Jan. 11, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:58:58
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| It's always hard to stop a conversation and then restart it in a natural way after you smoke pot at 10 o'clock in the morning on a Monday. | ||
| It's just one of those things, right? | ||
| That's a lot of ifs, yeah. | ||
| There's just too much going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We can't be asked to start and stop a conversation. | ||
| That was pretty smooth. | ||
| He was just like, hey, we're going. | ||
| Okay, go. | ||
| Yeah, the pauses are weird, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, and start the show. | ||
| Da-da-da-da-da. | ||
| It's weird where you gotta listen to a whole theme song, and then you're like, I gotta wait, and then like, how long does this go? | ||
| That was the wrong way to do it. | ||
| We made a few mistakes. | ||
| The big one was... | ||
| Oh, is that me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oops. | |
| I haven't done that in a long time. | ||
| I thought I had this closed. | ||
| I swear to God I did. | ||
| How come the Apple thing, when you hit your Apple TV, presses play on your fucking iTunes on your computer? | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Yeah, all the time. | ||
| You're like, no, stop that one, just that one. | ||
| Oh no, I didn't know that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It does both. | |
| Oh no. | ||
| It hits them both. | ||
| So if you have Apple TV and the computer open at the same time, so if you're watching it on TV and you have a computer open... | ||
| Yeah, or if you have a QuickTime file on the desktop or just plays that... | ||
| Oh wow. | ||
| How annoying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I had to make blockers for the sensor. | ||
| Sometimes even when it's closed, it still starts it up. | ||
| Dude, my fucking phone started making my computer ring the other day. | ||
| Making your computer ring? | ||
| Yeah, we were in here and my computer was ringing. | ||
| I was like, what kind of dog shit new thing is this? | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure they're not watching us. | ||
| I'm sure they're not watching us. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm sure it's totally not air connected and they already look at everything we do. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| They're fucking up. | ||
| We don't even notice it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's pretty nuts. | ||
| How are you making your computer ring? | ||
| Dude, my phone made my computer ring. | ||
| They're connected in some way. | ||
| Some new update. | ||
| Yeah, some new update. | ||
| Made my fucking... | ||
| My phone made my computer ring. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What are we doing here? | ||
| Those updates change your life. | ||
| We are just giving in to the Borg. | ||
| Why don't we just admit it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why don't we admit it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who's going to be the first one to get their legs cut off for some new bionic legs that make you jump over buildings? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bro, you're going to get to keep your cock and bone. | ||
| Legs chopped off for what? | ||
| You're just going to have fake legs, bro. | ||
| These legs never get tired, man. | ||
| Are you tired of walking all the time? | ||
| You get your cock and balls, though, right? | ||
| You keep your cock and balls, bro. | ||
| That's the important part. | ||
| Do you want to keep these stupid meat vehicles, or do you want to get the Cyber 2000? | ||
| Cyber 2000, two-legged system. | ||
| It's amazing, man. | ||
| It doesn't even feel... | ||
| You totally feel like your own legs, but they never get tired, dude. | ||
| You would only need head and cock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could replace everything else. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
| You could live with everything else being fake. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Maybe fingertips. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe one hand I'd like to give. | ||
|
unidentified
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One hand and cock and face. | |
| Here's the thing. | ||
| If people are smart enough to start manipulating bodies like that, do you think they're going to keep the same shape that we have now? | ||
| Oh, why not just go round like the R2-D2 from the new Star Wars? | ||
| I don't think that's beneficial. | ||
| Some will try it. | ||
| Would there be a better design? | ||
| Than this bipedal hominid form that we use. | ||
| Would we get to a point where, aesthetically, we start changing things on people? | ||
| Yeah, like have chainsaw hands? | ||
| Well, I was thinking minotaur bodies. | ||
| How much of you wants to be a person? | ||
| How many legs you want? | ||
| Run a lot faster on four legs. | ||
| What if it was the first guy to have four legs, and everybody's like, whoa, and for no reason, doesn't make any sense, but girls are like, that's hot. | ||
| You have to get lucky. | ||
| That's just some fucking freak DNA thing that pops in a female's head when they see a man with four legs, and they just can't help themselves. | ||
| Like, oh my god. | ||
| He's so hot. | ||
| I just did this to get faster, but this is nice. | ||
| He has two asses. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Dude, if I got a Minotaur, I would hire all the viral companies and the PR firms. | ||
| I'm like, get it out there where it's an attractive thing. | ||
| Make it part of the zeitgeist that everyone says, oh yeah, yeah, that's hot. | ||
| More legs. | ||
| It's hotter. | ||
| Hire Leonardo DiCaprio to say it. | ||
| That could totally be done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've seen some of the crazy things that people are doing with their bodies these days. | ||
| Someone would definitely want something different. | ||
| One wheel? | ||
| One wheel? | ||
| Dude, there's so many weird body modifications today, right? | ||
| I was jealous when those shoes... | ||
| Remember the wheels came out of the bottom of the shoes for kids? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, the wheelies, yeah. | |
| But they never made it for adult sizes, and I was pissed about that. | ||
| Of course I could make feet with wheels on it. | ||
| You should start a company. | ||
| Adults, adult. | ||
| You should license the product. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That's a good idea, actually. | ||
| Yeah, why is it no fun to do it as an adult? | ||
| I don't understand the problem. | ||
| You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
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You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself, Ari. | |
| You're a grown-up. | ||
| You're supposed to have to be a little more mature. | ||
|
unidentified
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Stop it. | |
| You're not supposed to be wheeling around the mall like an asshole. | ||
| What is that wheeling thing, man? | ||
| I would love it. | ||
| But you've got to stand on your back feet. | ||
| Seems like an awkward way to stand. | ||
| It's probably bad for old people. | ||
| They pop in. | ||
| Backwise. | ||
| A lot of strain. | ||
| On that? | ||
| Back like that. | ||
| Did you see Tyson wiping out on that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those things, dude, those things, the first time I got on one, I can do one now, but the first time I got on one, it was at the comedy store, and this dude who's a comic, what is his name? | ||
| Jamie, you know that dude's name? | ||
| You know what I'm talking about, right? | ||
| Sir Ben Kingsley? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Might have been. | ||
| I forgot his name. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
| Anyway, he has a white one. | ||
| He was tooling around the parking lot with Tate. | ||
| And I go, how hard is it to do? | ||
| And he goes, try it. | ||
| I got on it. | ||
| I couldn't imagine doing it. | ||
| I got on it and I was like, there's no way I'll ever get good at this. | ||
| This is fucking insane. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Just two wheels and a base on top of it? | ||
| It's essentially... | ||
| It's some form of a gyroscope. | ||
| And it's like those scooter things that they have at the mall. | ||
| What are those things called again? | ||
| Segways? | ||
| Segways. | ||
| Those Segway things. | ||
| Have you ever ridden one of those? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really fun. | ||
| Kevin James had one on the set of that Zookeeper movie. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| He actually had a couple of them, and he would zing around the park in them. | ||
| Dude, they are fucking fun. | ||
| They're really cool. | ||
| But when they run out of batteries, you go flying. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Another stopper? | ||
| Another uprighter? | ||
| Dude, the battery just breaks. | ||
| If the battery runs out of juice, you go down hard, son. | ||
| Because the only reason why it's keeping you up, but you're not doing that yourself. | ||
| It's a gyroscope. | ||
| It's counterbalancing you as you move. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, it allows you to be way stable. | ||
| Oh, you could definitely fall. | ||
| You definitely can fall. | ||
| But it's really easy to ride. | ||
| I hope I'm saying gyroscope properly or explaining the physics behind it. | ||
| I have no idea what a gyroscope is, to be honest. | ||
| Self-balancing scooter is what they call them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Would you say that it's run like a gyroscope? | ||
| Is that... | ||
| Am I making things up? | ||
| What's a gyroscope? | ||
| The thing that you get at the Air and Space Museum where you pull the string and it spins forever? | ||
| The thing that's keeping balance of how steady something is and how upright it is. | ||
| Can you pull up the definition of gyroscope, just so I don't feel like an idiot? | ||
| I just want to know if that's what it is, because I've always been saying that, but now that I'm thinking while I'm saying it, am I right that that's a gyroscope? | ||
| I have no idea what a gyroscope is. | ||
| Whatever it is, whatever this technology they've invented for Segways... | ||
| Yeah, that's that thing! | ||
| You pull the string and it stays spinning forever? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| The orientation of the axis is unaffected by tilting or rotation of the mounting. | ||
| Okay, so that does make sense. | ||
| They're also in, like, drones to keep them upright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| They also use GPS to help them keep upright, too. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| See, that drone almost smashed that skier. | ||
| Yeah, we watched it. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Do you know about that guy who died in the Segway? | ||
| A guy died? | ||
| He went off a cliff. | ||
| Oh, one of the guys that owned the company? | ||
| Yeah, the inventor of it. | ||
| Died on a Segway going off a cliff. | ||
| When he went to patent that thing, my friend worked at the patent office when he came in. | ||
| He didn't submit any, like, blueprints. | ||
| He just brought one in and had everybody ride it. | ||
| First of all, why is he near a cliff? | ||
| Why is he near a cliff? | ||
| Why did he do that? | ||
| He's off-road Segway. | ||
| Oh, he went off the cliff in an off-road Segway? | ||
| Oh, what a terrible idea. | ||
| Do they have that? | ||
| I don't know, but if they do, that's a terrible idea. | ||
| Off-road Segway. | ||
| Because unless those things are, like, way improved, I would think that the batteries, like, if you're hitting rocks and shit... | ||
| Yeah, giant tires. | ||
| The idea of, like, running over a rock and hitting your electrical system, me, as someone with zero knowledge of even how electricity works, I'm just gonna comment on this, Ari. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't even know what the fuck electricity is. | ||
| I know you can't stick a fork in the hole or you die. | ||
| That's what I know. | ||
| I'm such a fucking idiot. | ||
| People are like, you can live if you hold on to the telephone wire because your feet don't connect. | ||
| Like, shut up. | ||
| You don't know any of that. | ||
| What is this, dude? | ||
| What are you showing me? | ||
| A TV shredder. | ||
| It looks like an off-road Segway. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Is this real? | ||
| Yeah, it looks like it. | ||
| Look, he's wearing a whole gas mask. | ||
| This looks like Halo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is like a fucking... | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| He's wearing a business suit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is insane! | |
| This is insane! | ||
| It's got tires like a tank. | ||
| It's got tank tires on a Segway. | ||
| That is so crazy looking. | ||
| Is that dude in a suit? | ||
| Is there a video? | ||
| You gotta show me a video of this. | ||
| And it goes side saddle like skateboards? | ||
| Yeah, I guess, right? | ||
| That guy in that position is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That seems weird. | ||
| That seems like a weird way to stand. | ||
| Maybe it's just that one picture. | ||
| Look at this fucking thing! | ||
| It's a little mini tank that is badass! | ||
| Like, fucking why not, right? | ||
| Oh, he's going off the wall. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Oh, I thought he was going to jump. | ||
| That's the dumbest fucking thing. | ||
| It was just a seesaw. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's another seesaw. | |
| He's going on the seesaw. | ||
| Why is he doing this? | ||
| This is one of the dumbest tricks. | ||
| Well, I guess it's to show that he can go over obstacles. | ||
| Oh, whoa. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Like, nothing. | ||
| Hell, yes. | ||
| Oh, this thing is actually really badass. | ||
| Dude, podcast over. | ||
| Let's go get one of those. | ||
| This thing is insane. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, wow. | |
| Okay, but you can hop off easy. | ||
| Dude, this is crazy. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| This is a DTV shredder. | ||
| Here's the thing, it's not even that heavy. | ||
| Like when he falls down, you see when he just fell down? | ||
| Look, he just picks it up and moves it. | ||
| Like it's not that big a deal. | ||
| Yeah, look, it's not like a motorcycle. | ||
| That's why they're showing it fucking up. | ||
| What are we doing, a fucking commercial for this? | ||
| Seems like we're doing a commercial for this. | ||
| I never even heard of this until seconds ago, I swear. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| I see what you're doing, dude. | ||
| They've got fucking product placement, man. | ||
| DTV slash Joe Rogan right now. | ||
| You get 10% off. | ||
| 10% off a new DTV. Free shipping. | ||
| What the fuck is that, man? | ||
| And your shredder plates. | ||
| That's like some 14-year-old boy got like 10 million bucks. | ||
| And said, dude, I'm starting my own company. | ||
| You know that bit you have about rappers? | ||
| You had about rappers getting everything in their home? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's the white version of that. | ||
|
unidentified
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That is the white version. | |
| Yeah, ATVs are like a white man's treasure. | ||
| Like an ATV, if you're white trash and you got like really powerful ATVs, like you were running shit. | ||
| You got a good piece of land where you could just drive through mud. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's go to Bobby's. | ||
| Ride those ATVs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mudden. | |
| That's fun as shit. | ||
| You ever ride on one of those? | ||
| ATVs? | ||
| Oh my god, they're so fun. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The three wheel things? | ||
| Well, they're four wheels. | ||
| But those like motorcycle type things, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're like motorcycle things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've done it? | |
| They're fun as shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been in a bunch of different kind of little buggies. | ||
| Do you jump them and stuff? | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Just driving through the woods in them. | ||
| They're really fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Is it bounce everywhere? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's really bouncy. | ||
| But they can get out of anything. | ||
| And they go into the woods and drive over logs with them and shit. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| They take those things up in Canada. | ||
| And my friends in Canada, the Rivets, they run this hunting camp in Canada. | ||
| They have an Argo. | ||
| An Argo is like a mini tank. | ||
| It goes amphibian. | ||
| It goes through the water. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dude, it's crazy, these things. | ||
| My friend John Rivet. | ||
| Who has that? | ||
| From up in Canada. | ||
|
unidentified
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What? | |
| Well, he needs it. | ||
| He goes moose hunting. | ||
| So they'll kill a moose and they have to drag it out of the woods and they have it on this fucking mini tank. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whoa. | |
| Dude, you have to see this thing. | ||
| They have different wheels for them. | ||
| Like sometimes they have like wheels, like giant truck tires, but other times they put tank treads on them and they can go deep into the woods. | ||
| They just drive through shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whoa. | |
| Like, you could buy a tank. | ||
| That sounds fun. | ||
| See, pull up a video of an Argo so I can show him what he's talking about. | ||
| These dudes, the Rivets, they have all sorts of ATVs, but this Argo is the mother. | ||
| This is the mother. | ||
| Like, if you're stuck, this motherfucker will get you out. | ||
| It's the mother. | ||
| It just goes deep into the woods. | ||
| It's a tank! | ||
| It's a fucking small tank! | ||
| It just gets over everything? | ||
| Everything! | ||
| Logs! | ||
| Look at it, look at it, look at it. | ||
| Okay, this is one of them... | ||
| This is, they have some of them- Take the Nigerian army. | ||
| What? | ||
| They're going through the water? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes? | |
| And over the snow? | ||
| And see the tank treads? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh yeah! | |
| Freedom, versatility. | ||
| You can drive through water with these fucking things. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Why are they showing a dollar bill? | ||
| They have, I don't know, some hillbilly shit. | ||
| Whoever's making them, you know, they're appealing to the Duck Dynasty crowd. | ||
| This is video over a dollar bill. | ||
| But back that up. | ||
| Back that up so you can see where the one has the tread. | ||
| Look at that right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Where you can see the tank tread. | ||
| Oh, he's plopped. | ||
| He's put on Christmas trees in the snow. | ||
| Dude, he's got tank tread. | ||
| There's tank tread on these things. | ||
| I mean, it's a fucking tank. | ||
| It's a tank for the forest. | ||
| See, girls right now would be so angry if they were here. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| We don't live in the forest. | ||
| Ladies, I'm so sorry that we don't see things the same way. | ||
| This is like for a girl. | ||
| Going through creeks and shit would be cool. | ||
| What would be the female equivalent for something like this? | ||
| Like awesome handbags? | ||
| Girls with awesome shoes. | ||
| A shoes thing, right? | ||
| It'd be a shoes thing. | ||
| A man with money? | ||
| Older man with money and a heart condition. | ||
| Oh my god, you have got to see this one. | ||
| Look, he can barely breathe. | ||
| Look how fat his wallet is. | ||
| Isn't that terrifying that some old dudes like that really are preyed upon like that? | ||
| Yeah, nobody protects them. | ||
| There's no like, guys, come on, they can't make their own decisions. | ||
| I know a dude who got taken. | ||
| Really? | ||
| An older dude. | ||
| By a Sofia Vergara? | ||
| No, he had a younger girlfriend that he met on one of those weird dating sites. | ||
| And two years in, she was involved in his business. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of dollars went missing. | ||
| It just got to this weird state. | ||
| He had to jettison the experience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's old dudes. | ||
| Old people in general, you know? | ||
| You start getting older, you truly don't want to be alone. | ||
| And if you're really old and you're wealthy, and you just find some girl who seems so nice, but every time she makes your tea, you just start... | ||
|
unidentified
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Just start feeling weird. | |
| Diarrhea, and I don't know what's going on. | ||
| There's something wrong with me. | ||
| Maybe you're anxious because of the new girl. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It's just, maybe I just, you know, I haven't been having sex since my wife died, and I'm 85 years old now, and I can't believe this girl even wants to be with me. | ||
| I mean, it's just, what a treasure, and what a blessing from the Lord. | ||
|
unidentified
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But God, every time she makes me this tea, I'm just shitting myself. | |
| He doesn't want to admit it. | ||
| Are you okay, baby? | ||
| We're still gonna do it? | ||
| Do you not think I'm hot anymore? | ||
| He said, baby, I love you. | ||
|
unidentified
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I just, you know, I'm 85 years old. | |
| One second, I just go... | ||
|
unidentified
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Ass, blood. | |
| Slowly, but she's eating through his insides. | ||
| Those fucking shows, like those murder shows, where they talk about... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Where you talk about different people that it did... | ||
| Like there was one that was a nurse that was purposely poisoning all of the people that she was taking care of. | ||
|
unidentified
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Why? | |
| She was crazy. | ||
| No reason? | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
| She was purposely poisoning patients. | ||
| To get out of work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think she was doing it to get out of work. | ||
| I think she was just killing people. | ||
| I think she was just crazy. | ||
| It was a few years back. | ||
| But the idea that someone would... | ||
| Would want to consciously, slowly kill someone with a poison. | ||
| Like, oof. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| How about you just move on with your life, bitch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Leave that poor guy in the bed alone. | ||
| No, she got off on it or something, right? | ||
| Oh yeah, something. | ||
| She was killing them while they were in her care. | ||
| Do you ever think about what it would be like to kill somebody? | ||
| Oh god, it's dark. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oof. | |
| It's amazing how few people kill people, really, when you think about it. | ||
| How mad people get at each other, and how few people actually get killed. | ||
| We're awesome. | ||
| We're doing pretty good. | ||
| We're fucking hanging in there, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, think about how many times. | ||
| I walk around in no fear of any physical violence. | ||
| Yeah, almost never. | ||
| You have to be in the total wrong place at the total wrong time. | ||
| Or drinking. | ||
| If you're drinking, anything can happen. | ||
| Especially if you're one of those guys. | ||
| But I just freely walk around with plenty of money in my pocket. | ||
| Just for anyone to... | ||
| I just mean everyone has a wallet. | ||
| So you keep your cash. | ||
| How long before that's not real anymore? | ||
| How long before paper money just is gone? | ||
| That's gotta be coming, right? | ||
| I'm ready for the chip. | ||
| You're ready to give in to the Borg. | ||
| Someone's ready to give in to the Borg and get some horse legs. | ||
|
unidentified
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In order for the phone to work, you have to get horse legs. | |
| That's what they're gonna do. | ||
| Yeah, and eventually they're like, okay, anyone who doesn't still have the chip in and the horse legs, we're gonna give you free ones now. | ||
| Because everyone has to be on. | ||
| Like with the TV. It would be like certain things you couldn't get. | ||
| You couldn't get on the internet anymore. | ||
| They will deprive you of your services. | ||
| I just got a text saying, my phone will no longer work overseas. | ||
| But if you want an overseas phone, they can get me one. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| If you don't know, ladies and gentlemen, Ari Shafir has done one of the bravest things that any man has ever done. | ||
| He went from an iPhone to a flip phone. | ||
| The jankiest little 1979 technology flip phone ever. | ||
| At the time, it was super advanced, like what you're sporting in your pocket at one point in time. | ||
| At one point, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, it's undeniably. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Undeniably super advanced. | ||
| I had to find this one. | ||
| The first was just the free, like, Best Buy, go get it over there. | ||
| Yeah, you started off with a regular one when you had to do like four presses to get an S. That was impossible. | ||
| That was really, really tough on me. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's so stupid! | |
| Yeah, this double flip is the future, man! | ||
| Well, you know what the real future is? | ||
| Voice recognition. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This whole typing thing is so stupid. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| It's on its way out. | ||
| It's so close. | ||
| It's so close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're so good now. | ||
| The one you showed me was dead on. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| I use it for notes all the time. | ||
| I'll say something into notes and it comes out almost perfect. | ||
| Like weird things get spelled wrong if it's a weird name or something like that. | ||
| But that's to be expected. | ||
| It spells it phonetically. | ||
| Got Ari. | ||
| Got Ari? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what else did? | ||
| Washington Post. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah, Washington Post. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crossword puzzle. | |
| Washington Post. | ||
| Ari Shafir was a goddamn answer to a crossword puzzle, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| So, suck it, haters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha, ha, ha, ha. | |
| My mom and sister sent it to me. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| They said they were getting all sorts of phone calls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, no way. | ||
| That's such a non-comedy... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've transcended, son. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| Unquestionably. | ||
| You've now transcended. | ||
| That's like a George milestone. | ||
| Comedian Shafir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| 47 across. | ||
| Suck it! | ||
| Weird. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You're famous. | ||
| You're on TV. What do you expect, man? | ||
| You have to, at that point, be, like, there enough for someone to get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If they don't suck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're doing the right thing, though. | ||
| I like the fact. | ||
| I would never do what you're doing with your phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I like what you're doing. | ||
| What you're doing is you're looking at the data. | ||
| And deciding, okay, how much willpower do I have? | ||
| Not enough. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| That's the way to put it. | ||
| I analyzed the stats on my life, and I was like, oh, I can't stop. | ||
| But you did it very intelligently. | ||
| Like, it's very difficult to do. | ||
| It's very difficult for people to not just look at some weird addiction that they might have, but to say, okay, even though there's all this amazing convenience of being able to buy movie tickets and being able to check websites and answer emails on your phone, it's not worth it. | ||
| That's a justification. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| Well, you know how when you see someone on TV smoking cigarettes? | ||
| You never really smoked, huh? | ||
| No, I never smoked. | ||
| When you see somebody, it just triggers. | ||
| Like, oh, I need to smoke too. | ||
| Or as soon as you get in your car, some people smoke, no matter what. | ||
| Or whenever I went to the comedy store, I would smoke. | ||
| You know what's funny, though? | ||
| When I see people get high, it does the opposite. | ||
| It makes you not want to get high? | ||
| It makes me go, oh my god, do I sound that stupid when I'm high? | ||
| You know, because sometimes you'll say things when you're high, and as you're saying them, you would listen to me, and you would go, oh my god, he's an idiot. | ||
| But believe me, I'm saying, oh my god, I'm an idiot. | ||
| As I'm saying it, I'm thinking I'm an idiot. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes I'm like, somebody should write this down and alert the media, because it's brilliant. | ||
| And then you're here the next day, and you're like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I did a scene on news radio once with Bob Costa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's a very nice guy. | ||
| Bob Costa's great. | ||
| He's a very, very intelligent guy, too. | ||
| And we had this scene, and he beats me up. | ||
| He has to flip me. | ||
| He does this judo flip and beats my ass for some strange reason. | ||
| But afterwards, we were all out talking. | ||
| And while we were talking, I had smoked pot. | ||
| And I was rambling to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| As I remember talking to him about DuPont making the chemical compound for nylon at the same time when they made hemp illegal. | ||
| Like some stupid ass story. | ||
| And in the middle of it, I'm like, while words are coming out of my mouth, I'm going, shut the fuck up! | ||
| Your brain is telling you, hey man, stop this. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, he's a gentleman. | ||
| I'm sure he didn't even call me on it. | ||
| I just realized it while I was doing it. | ||
| He's a super nice guy. | ||
| He's a really, really interesting guy. | ||
| Very, very smart. | ||
| You know, there's certain dudes that you talk to, you go, oh, okay. | ||
| Like, you're fucking sharp. | ||
| There's a few guys like that. | ||
| He's a very sharp guy. | ||
| You know, and he's in that interesting position, too, as a sports commentator who also gives, like, really well-thought-out opinions, agree with him or disagree with him, about gun violence, about a lot of other things, about, like, important social issues. | ||
| Yeah, Bob Costas. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You know who I'm talking about, right? | ||
| Yeah, I thought you said Bob Costa. | ||
| I thought it was just another person. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bob Costas. | ||
| Yeah, you got it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See the diaper guy? | ||
| The diaper guy. | ||
| Who's the diaper one? | ||
| Bob Costas is the guy that does football, right? | ||
| Marv Albert. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Bob Costas used to do that late night show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Later with Bob Costas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| That was, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Later with Bob Costas. | |
| He had a shot at late night for a little while. | ||
| Super fucking smart guy, man. | ||
| How dumb is that billboard for that late night show where they're making that daily show girl be a girl? | ||
| Oh, the one we were looking at in the middle of a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, they're just trying to get your attention. | ||
| It says, like, if you don't like it, you're sexist. | ||
| Or if you don't watch it, you're sexist. | ||
| Even the name of it, full front. | ||
| It's just like, come on, let them fucking just be a host. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| All the minorities. | ||
| They just keep pushing them into, like, being that thing. | ||
| A girl's a minority? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Just because it's a girl? | ||
| On TV. That's an interesting way of putting it. | ||
| I've never heard a girl be described as a minority. | ||
| Even though they're 52%? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're the underrepresented on television. | ||
| What's the ratio? | ||
| On TV? Yeah. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| Underrepresented? | ||
| Less than half. | ||
| People on TV are girls? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just a bunch of dudes? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm trying to think about movies or TV shows. | ||
| Walking Dead seems to have an even number. | ||
| They have an even number of boys and girls. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| And somehow those people aren't hooking up. | ||
| Like, what are we living forever? | ||
| No, some of them are. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Ah, couple. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| And they just fall deeply in love while they fight off the zombies. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| They never even fight. | ||
| Remember What's-His-Name was watching him in that one episode? | ||
| He was just staring at them fuck? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| The comedian? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Josh. | ||
| Josh McDermott. | ||
| Josh McDermott, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Josh McDermott. | |
| He's just there and he's like, Josh is looking at us again. | ||
| He goes, let him look. | ||
| Do you remember how we worked with Josh? | ||
| Did you do that gig? | ||
| You didn't do that gig? | ||
| Was it Duncan? | ||
| It might have been Duncan and me. | ||
| We're in Arizona? | ||
| Yeah, we were in Arizona and this was, I think this was a Diaz no-show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how it started it, back in the day. | |
| For the people who don't know, the reason I went out on the road with Joe Rogan is because he needed a second person to open for him. | ||
| Because Diaz was, at best, 70-30 to show up. | ||
| It was more than that. | ||
| He was more than that. | ||
| In all fairness, there was only a few instances where it didn't work out. | ||
| But you didn't want to get stuck with nobody, so you're like, fine, I'll have two. | ||
| Just in case he shows up, we'll have two. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| I love Joey. | ||
| And I always felt like I have an obligation to let Joey be Joey. | ||
| What a great employer. | ||
| When it's like, oh, you might not show up today, I'll just hire more people to do your job also so that we don't have this problem. | ||
| I knew way back in the day that Joey was special. | ||
| He's a special guy. | ||
| And he's special. | ||
| He's important for everybody. | ||
| He's like an engine. | ||
| And he's beautiful. | ||
| If you get close to him, he's beautiful. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| That guy shines inside. | ||
| That's why we all love to be around him. | ||
| He calls you. | ||
| Even if you're busy or something, you're like, this will be a 90-second phone call. | ||
| He does those check-in phone calls every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's a classic original. | ||
| But he had problems back then. | ||
| But you saw something, right? | ||
| I knew it. | ||
| I just knew it. | ||
| I just knew it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| I was like, this guy just needs to be... | ||
| Just leave him alone. | ||
| He'll figure it out. | ||
| He's closing out my storyteller show again. | ||
| He's a monster! | ||
| We're going to end the season with him every year. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| He could do that forever, by the way. | ||
| He never runs out of stories. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| I've never met anybody who... | ||
| I've known him for, what? | ||
| Fucking almost 20 years. | ||
| And he just always has new stories. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people go, this didn't happen. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| He gets verification. | ||
| Verification, cocksucker! | ||
| Fucking call people up, put them on speakerphone. | ||
| Tell them that fucking time. | ||
| Verification. | ||
| With Joey Babaluno in fucking North Bergen. | ||
| And he has these conversations with people. | ||
| Oh, verification's great. | ||
| It's verification. | ||
| Remember Tripoli called you for verification? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| I don't remember what it was. | ||
| What was the verification? | ||
| He come from on stage. | ||
| He calls you and you were at the improv. | ||
| Yeah, what was the question? | ||
| He was like, this girl said that we're not friends. | ||
| And I said I have you on my phone or something like that. | ||
| That's exactly what it was. | ||
| Perfect verification. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The fact that I'm getting him on the phone proves it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was a heckler who's being mean to him. | ||
| Nobody's better with hecklers than Tripoli. | ||
| Oh, well, Tripoli's been in the trenches. | ||
| He's been in the trenches. | ||
| Yeah, Diaz is... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tripoli's a comedy store, dude. | ||
| Those comedy store guys, especially us from, like, the 90s... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was no... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was terrible. | |
| Nobody was... | ||
| There was no crowd control. | ||
| I can't believe he would get off like, is no one? | ||
| I'm fighting for 10 minutes, no one's even telling him to shut up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How come? | |
| Dude, fucking Holtzman got knocked out. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| He got punched in the face by someone's bodyguard. | ||
| Holtzman one time tackled somebody. | ||
| They were walking by the front row in the original room, and they walked in between the front row of chairs and the table chairs. | ||
| There's one right against the stage, and there's one with the tables. | ||
| So they were walking in between there, and he saw them, and he just leaned over and grabbed onto their shoulders and just left his body weight, this drop, and he just brought them to the ground. | ||
| They were just going back to their seat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Oh my god! | ||
| Okay, let me ask you this. | ||
| As a responsible person and an adult, if you're running that business, do you fire him? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that how you look at it? | |
| That's why Yelp reviews of comedy clubs are some of the greatest things in the world. | ||
| Because they point out stuff that you'll be like, they're doing it as a Yelp review of a business. | ||
| But they're like, literally, one of the employees said, I hope I die in a fire when I'm going home. | ||
| It's like, imagine if a waiter said that to you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then they're like, oh, you're talking about David Taylor. | ||
| It's like, he's running you out of there. | ||
| And now he's trying to hurt you so you think about it on the way home. | ||
| We don't want your business. | ||
| If you're running out of there too, you are probably a dick enough to be like, we don't want you back. | ||
| That's the most important part. | ||
| Well, you can run into dicks, man. | ||
| And a lot of times it's just people that don't know how to behave. | ||
| Like Chappelle was at the store the other night and some guy kept yelling shit out at him and the crowd started yelling at the guy to shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, that's the best. | ||
| He was just so obnoxious. | ||
| But he just couldn't believe he was talking to Dave Chappelle. | ||
| You know, he's just drunk, and he fucked up, and the people around him were responding, and it started getting shitty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, but the store never had anybody that, like, you can't do that at the improv. | ||
| They will grab you, and they'll pull you out of there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, they, like, patrol the room. | ||
| Because the drawer guys are all comedians. | ||
| We're outside fucking smoking pot. | ||
| No one's paying attention. | ||
| We're drinking. | ||
| And they're like, where were you? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know, talking to this chick. | ||
| No one's paying attention. | ||
| Yeah, you have to get a door guy. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I would say that it's way less necessary today than it's ever been before. | ||
| But the crowds have been amazing at the store lately. | ||
| They also sort of, okay, here's the thing, and this is why Canadian crowds are better too. | ||
| Because if you go into it, and your listeners are good, with an understanding of, here's the etiquette of what it's like to be in a comedy show. | ||
| I sort of get it already. | ||
| Then they're just like a base level better crowds. | ||
| Like, oh, I know you're supposed to shut up and laugh. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Some people didn't get that message. | ||
| That's what's going on though, man. | ||
| That's part of what it is. | ||
| Some people, they just don't know that yet. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| No one else is doing this. | ||
| I think it's hard for some people. | ||
| They grow up around morons. | ||
| You know, if you grow up, like, exclusively around morons, and you've been responding to morons your whole life, then all of a sudden you're drinking, Dave Chappelle's on stage, you're gonna act like a moron. | ||
| You don't even know why you're doing it. | ||
| Like, as it's coming out of your mouth, you're like, who is this asshole representing the great spirit that is inside me? | ||
| He used to have more problems, like, right after Chappelle's show, they would yell all those catchphrases at him. | ||
| Oh, he had a real problem once. | ||
| It was at the House of Blues, I think, or something like that, one of those places in Vegas. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, on tour. | ||
| Yeah, remember? | ||
| Like, you were saying people kept yelling out, you know, all the different phrases, you know? | ||
| And you're just like, what? | ||
| I can't go anywhere with this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was the big one? | ||
| What was that big one? | ||
| I'm Rick James, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, I'm Rick James, bitch. | ||
| That was one they kept yelling at. | ||
| He had, when he came back from Africa or whatever, he had a show at the store. | ||
| The comedy store. | ||
| And it was mobbed. | ||
| And everybody was there. | ||
| Soundgarden came. | ||
| And Bruce Willis came. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, it was mobbed. | ||
| And then, I mean, way oversold. | ||
| And the fire department showed up, and it was like trouble, but they just wanted to sit on the steps and watch. | ||
| And he was the biggest thing that was then. | ||
| But they were strict. | ||
| They told everybody, you say a word and you're gone. | ||
| And there was a line out the door of people not being able to get in. | ||
| And when Madrigal was on, I think, he had two guys open for Madrigal, some black guy, I forget who, and then he went on. | ||
| Somebody heckled a little bit from the front row, and they just yanked him right out, and then somebody came right in. | ||
| Got a front row seat, because those guys fucked up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I think people are learning. | ||
| No tolerance. | ||
| I get it if you don't like the person who's on stage. | ||
| Go outside. | ||
| Go get a cigarette and come back in. | ||
| Listen, I'll sit and watch the show and if someone is not doing well or if you're not into it. | ||
| If it's a one-on-one, that's when you say something. | ||
| If your waiter is being super rude to you or a plumber is being an asshole to you, you'll be like, hey, man, you're being a dick. | ||
| Get out. | ||
| But not if it's ruining everyone else's experience. | ||
| You don't like a movie. | ||
| Go outside and complain. | ||
| Well, it's just not necessary if other people are enjoying it for you to express your displeasure. | ||
| And that happens sometimes. | ||
| Imagine leaving Star Wars going, this is a kid's movie! | ||
| I don't like this! | ||
| It's for kids! | ||
| And all these kids go, why are you ruining this for me? | ||
| But again, we know that because we're in the business. | ||
| I think for a lot of people, they don't understand. | ||
| And then there's also people that will tell you, hey, you should be able to handle anything. | ||
| You're up there on stage. | ||
| You should be able to handle anything they throw at you. | ||
| One of the ways I have to handle this is to make you leave by an off-duty cop who's working the door. | ||
| That's a weird thing when people tell you what you're supposed to be able to do as a comedian. | ||
| You're supposed to be able to handle it. | ||
| Imagine going to a restaurant, throwing a plate onto the floor, and so, well, you know, you guys deal with spills all the time, don't you? | ||
| You should be able to handle it. | ||
| Somebody literally said when the subject of stealing jokes came up, look, you should be able to write more jokes. | ||
| I remember someone saying that. | ||
| Like, you should be able to write more jokes. | ||
| Oh, it's fucking so simple. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And apply that logic to other things. | ||
| Like, oh, you have a job with a boss who's, like, abusing you? | ||
| Well, you should be able to get a better job. | ||
| Yeah, why don't you have a better job? | ||
| You should have a better job. | ||
| What? | ||
| My boss rapes me. | ||
| Asshole commentary. | ||
| Different days. | ||
| Asshole commentary. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| I like to just walk away from those people. | ||
| You can do it online better. | ||
| I might try to educate you. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| That's so funny, man. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God. | ||
| We should be able to handle anything. | ||
| You told me early on when you started like really like, you would be vicious with those hecklers. | ||
| I'm like, don't you feel bad? | ||
| And you were like, they've already shown their assholes. | ||
| So no, no mercy, no reason to show mercy. | ||
| They're trying to be mean to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What they're doing is trying to be mean. | ||
| Like they're yelling shit out, trying to interrupt. | ||
| And a lot of them, the reason why they're doing it is because they just want attention. | ||
| You know, it's not even what you're saying. | ||
| They just, for whatever reason, they wanted to do an open mic night, they never did it, they got drunk, and here they are, and they feel like, I'm gonna fucking get this Ari Shafir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't, this guy, he can't handle what I'm coming with him. | |
| Look at those fucking ears! | ||
| Can you fly around the room with those things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Dude, I had these two gay guys at the stand, and they were mad at me because it was one of those things where drunks will mishear one word, you know, and they'll just be like, I don't like that. | ||
| No, no, I was saying I don't like people who hate black people. | ||
| And like, what's black people now? | ||
| And you're like, no, shut up. | ||
| It's one of those. | ||
| And they were just being angry and giving me the mean stare all the time, and the stand is so small that you can see everybody. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| And then I was like, but you guys don't like this. | ||
| I said something like, first smile I got out of you. | ||
| And they're like, well, whatever. | ||
| And then I just started calling Mr. and Mrs. Poopypants. | ||
| And just belittling them. | ||
| It's just so fun. | ||
| I'm watching them get angrier and angrier. | ||
| We just talk over people. | ||
| They're just angry. | ||
| Well, what were they doing? | ||
| What got you so mad? | ||
| Just giving me mean mugs. | ||
| You've seen that. | ||
| I'm just going to try to show you how mad I am. | ||
| Yeah, things like that. | ||
| Things like that. | ||
| I had a woman in Calgary. | ||
| She was bitching about everybody. | ||
| The whole opener. | ||
| I was like, hey, you gotta be quiet. | ||
| And then she did that thing with like, next joke. | ||
| And I'm like, beat it. | ||
| You're out. | ||
| Get out. | ||
| Get the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| Yeah, you don't need to be above this show. | ||
| I just railed on her for like 10 minutes. | ||
| And then I had to stop like, by the way, crowd, this is not coming out of your time. | ||
| So the clock stops. | ||
| Next joke. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, you don't even want to be here. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It's just so weird. | ||
| Because you can go to, like, the most amazing movie, but if you're sitting next to someone who's going, pfft, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that could happen. | ||
| Oh, he fucking lived! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who saw that coming, Stallone? | |
| He found a way to get that rock pick into the side of the mountain just as he's hanging off of it. | ||
| Not likely. | ||
| Pulls himself up. | ||
| Be quiet! | ||
| Grabs a log and drags himself over the top of the cliff. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're ruining this! | |
| That could happen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Dude, I had this guy in Scotland threaten to sue me. | ||
| Oh, that's wonderful. | ||
| Yeah, because I told his wife she was ugly. | ||
| Did you hear what happened in Canada with that? | ||
| With Mike Ward. | ||
| Do you know the guy? | ||
| He's getting sued by tribunal. | ||
| Yeah, I like him a lot. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Which one are you talking about? | ||
| The one where the guy cursed out the lesbians and said a bunch of anti-gay things to them? | ||
| No. | ||
| Called them dykes, something along those lines. | ||
| And there was a nasty exchange between this guy and this girl. | ||
| And... | ||
| The woman sued, and apparently, I believe, won. | ||
| And I don't know the specifics of it. | ||
| Oh, for like mental damages? | ||
| Well, I think she sued for like... | ||
| Jamie, see if you can pull that up. | ||
| I don't want to talk... | ||
| I don't know exactly what the charges were, but everybody was like, whoa. | ||
| And she won? | ||
| Yeah, she got an award of like $10,000 or something like that. | ||
| Well, then it becomes a thing where it's like, you either have to make everyone sign a release before coming to a comedy club, or just saying you're going to kill the art form. | ||
| As Jamie pulls it up... | ||
| Because you can't take any sort of risk. | ||
| I don't want to misquote anything, so I want to make sure I say this incorrectly. | ||
| But it was a story. | ||
| I don't know what the judgment was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'll tell you what happened to Mike. | |
| To Mike Ward. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He's a French-Canadian comic. | ||
| And so he was doing... | ||
| There was this kid who was like, make-a-wish kid, whatever. | ||
| And they were like, he's going out. | ||
| And it was a big, like, on TV. It was like a cult campaign about this kid. | ||
| And then Mike had a bit about... | ||
| Ten years later, this kid's still alive. | ||
| And he's like, I want my money back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And he started going off. | ||
| He was like, he's supposed to die. | ||
| He's fucking 23 now. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| That's so fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the kid said he got made fun of because of it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And it wasn't cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| And he was like, well, sorry, man. | ||
| You were like a celebrity. | ||
| And I'm going to make fun of that stuff. | ||
| And he got taken to a tribunal. | ||
| He's going right now to a French-Canadian tribunal. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| What are they suing him for? | ||
| What are they charging him with? | ||
| Or what are they doing? | ||
| I don't know if these are charges, but it's either 80 grand or more. | ||
| But the problem is, then it just makes anything off limits. | ||
| It makes any sort of subject where you have no idea. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| How do you attach a monetary number to that? | ||
| Slurs force comic to pay 15,000. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| More than I thought. | ||
| Pirate of ugly words against lesbian patron after appeal falls flat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So no appeal. | ||
| I guess his appeal fell flat. | ||
| They didn't win the appeal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I think he lost. | ||
| Human Rights Tribunal. | ||
| That's what Mike is being brought up in, too. | ||
| A Human Rights Tribunal. | ||
| What is going on, Canada? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Lasting physical and psychological effect? | ||
| What's the physical effect? | ||
| Well, see, I would say, here's one thing. | ||
| If this woman came to a show, okay? | ||
| Let's be honest about this. | ||
| And he just started berating her. | ||
| I'm on her side. | ||
| I'm on her side. | ||
| If she's sitting there with her girlfriend, and she didn't do anything, and he starts saying a bunch of lesbian shit to her and being mean to her... | ||
| And just being an asshole. | ||
| Just being an asshole. | ||
| And you know guys have done that, right? | ||
| We all know comics have done that. | ||
| We've all seen bad comics do things like that or take attempts, you know, try to be funny and it's just offensive. | ||
| And if you paid money to see something like that, No matter what it is, whether it's a black joke, whether it's a joke about Asian people, and you feel abused, and you're just sitting there. | ||
| What if it's just a joke about their height? | ||
| Where's a line after that, in that way of thinking? | ||
| It's really a matter of what is being said. | ||
| It's not just a blank subject, right? | ||
| We can't say, what if it's a joke about being black? | ||
| Because it could be a joke, you know. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| You can't really make it up to anyone. | ||
| It's got to be like, you're allowed to say everything, or you're not allowed to say everything. | ||
| How do you do a monetary number? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Well, it could be like, these are my doctor's bills, my psychologist bills. | ||
| This is how much work I've missed. | ||
| You could do it that way. | ||
| I think in this case, though... | ||
| Fifteen grand is not a huge amount of money. | ||
| It's a lot, but it's not like those McDonald's settlements. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, for a comic, though, who's interested in a guy working, that's a big hit. | ||
| Plus, I'm sure he has legal fees, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what I was going to get at is, did the girl heckle first? | ||
| Yeah, see, that's what I don't know. | ||
| See, if she did... | ||
| Then fuck her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, yeah, you probably shouldn't say mean shit about her. | ||
| I've seen stories about a guy, a comic, going off on somebody. | ||
| So in the court of public opinion, like, they get eviscerated because they went off too hard on somebody. | ||
| But then people at the show were like, no, no, this lady was heckling everyone in the show. | ||
| Let's see what it says here. | ||
| In May of 2007, I don't need to read her name, and a girlfriend were at a club in Vancouver, a restaurant, Vancouver restaurant with a largely gay clientele, when an open mic night hosted by Mr. Earl kicked off. | ||
| The two women decided to stay, according to the later findings of the Human Rights Tribunal. | ||
| During the show, Mrs. Purdy's girlfriend had, Ms. Purdy's girlfriend had merely I pecked her on the cheek when Mr. Earl told the crowd, don't mind that inconsiderate dyke table over there. | ||
| You know lesbians are always ruining it for everybody. | ||
| Stop right there. | ||
| Stop right there. | ||
| Go back up. | ||
| Let me read that. | ||
| I've seen that before. | ||
| All I did was this one, they're probably fully making out and disrupting everyone. | ||
| Why else would you say don't mind that inconsiderate dyke table? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And ruining it for everyone. | ||
| I would imagine there was probably some chatter. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| And then he went off too hard. | ||
| But we've all seen that where they don't want to admit that they did that. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They don't want to admit. | ||
| It's always like, I didn't do anything. | ||
| All I do is move my chair. | ||
| And it's like, no, why would anyone throw you out when you're a customer for doing nothing? | ||
| I was just laughing. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| There's a lot of different kinds of lesbians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| There's like... | ||
| Educated lesbians that are into the arts, right? | ||
| And then there's like the bull dykey lesbians that are like thicker, bigger boned, right? | ||
| And then there's the lipstick lesbians. | ||
| We don't know what we're dealing with here. | ||
| So then they all booed him. | ||
| This line prompted Boos from his party's table. | ||
| And then that escalated the string of slurs. | ||
| And it's like, all right, you don't like it. | ||
| You're seeing an artist. | ||
| Get the fuck out. | ||
| I don't like this. | ||
| So leave then. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| You can just leave. | ||
| Really, it's hard to know what happened. | ||
| If you want your money back, fine, get your money back. | ||
| Or was it this? | ||
| Were they just two really pretty, interesting women, and one of them did kiss her friend on the cheek lightly, and the comic was eating dick on stage, and he started blaming these girls for the fact that he's eating dick on stage. | ||
| You ever seen that happen before? | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| So here's the deal. | ||
| We should be fair here, right? | ||
| Yeah, so let's say it was that way. | ||
| So in that scenario, they should get their money back and leave. | ||
| You still can't stop a guy, an artist, from fucking trying something. | ||
| You're never gonna know what the line is unless you cross it. | ||
| And then you pull it back a little bit. | ||
| So if you don't let a guy even try to get to the line, then you're hurting art in general. | ||
| This is what he said that's really rude. | ||
| You're not even lesbians, no guy will fuck you, that's why you're with each other. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| I'm still on the dude's side here. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I see myself saying that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In my darkest moments, for sure. | ||
| Really, we don't know. | ||
| Here's another problem. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| When Kramer did that stuff, it was like, oh yeah, I get it. | ||
| I get the point of like, I just want to hurt you now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that's not even what he was trying to do. | ||
| Here's the thing, looking at it on print here like this, it's so much different. | ||
| So much different. | ||
| Looking at it on print is so much different. | ||
| First of all, we don't know if that's exactly what he said. | ||
| Is this taking from a recording, or is this from people's memory? | ||
| How exactly do we know exactly what he said? | ||
| Is it what she says he said? | ||
| They call that discrimination, but really discrimination is if they wouldn't let them in. | ||
| Was it recording Young Jamie? | ||
| This says in the court case they used witness testimony from junk patrons that were there. | ||
| See, you can't do that. | ||
| Because I don't remember guys joke sometimes. | ||
| I'm a fucking professional comedian. | ||
| I doubt they remember exactly what he said. | ||
| Especially if they're hammered. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Everyone's booing him. | ||
| He was an asshole. | ||
| It's like, oh, he was just going down. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| He's an open-miker. | ||
| If comics are bad, they will eventually stop being hired. | ||
| They'll stop or they'll get better. | ||
| Yeah, or they'll get better. | ||
| But if you're heckling, you're not supposed to do that. | ||
| And when you do do that, you open the door to chaos. | ||
| Also, I've had stuff where it's like, I'm going to take you down one road, and then I'll take you clear in the end. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| If you just be quiet and listen the whole time, you'll see where I'm going with this, and you'll be fine. | ||
| But if you stop me in the middle, it's going to make it seem really bad, what I've said. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If you get interrupted, you're just going to look bad. | ||
| And it's a long setup. | ||
| You can't make someone pay money off doing their art badly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Well, first of all... | ||
| And I'm not even saying it was bad. | ||
| He might have fucking gotten other people laughing at him. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what happened. | ||
| It's so hard, but I think the monetary aspect of it, a monetary judgment, like, come on, $15,000? | ||
| Like, what really happened there? | ||
| Until you can define what really happened... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It sounds so crazy that they just come up with a number. | ||
| 15,000! | ||
| Pay the money! | ||
| Give money to people! | ||
| You have to give money to people if they get mad at you? | ||
| Yeah, can you say shit to people on the street? | ||
| Can you, like, call someone a dick on the street? | ||
| Or can you get sued for that? | ||
| What is it about, like, gay slurs? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| That it was a gay thing? | ||
| Because, like, what if he just... | ||
| Concentrate on other aspects of her. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| What if it was like, you can't get a better girlfriend because you're too empty inside. | ||
| Like, really want to hurt her in a different way. | ||
| It had nothing to do with it. | ||
| Yeah, people wouldn't be as mad. | ||
| That's kind of bullshit. | ||
| It's not about the hurting. | ||
| It's about how he's hurting. | ||
| Yeah, he's hurting her by saying that she can't get men to fuck her. | ||
| That's why she's a lesbian. | ||
| She's not even a real lesbian. | ||
| He's trying to hurt her there. | ||
| It's a funny thing to say. | ||
| It's a funny thing to say. | ||
| That's what a comic would say. | ||
| But he has to try. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he going to have a dissertation on... | ||
| Fucking lesbian rights? | ||
| He's also ad-libbing. | ||
| And again, we're not taking this guy's side because we don't know what happened. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, who knows? | ||
| He might have been a dick. | ||
| And then is it up to the rest of the audience to decide how dickish he was? | ||
| Or is it just like, no, I felt hurt, so I get the money. | ||
| It's just like, it's an art form. | ||
| You can't stop anyone from doing or saying anything. | ||
| That's why you're allowed to smoke on stage here. | ||
| Because you're like, well, it's part of the art. | ||
| If you're on stage, it's like a performance. | ||
| Yeah, I should have smoked four cigarettes the other night in a 20-minute set. | ||
| And once I saw him light up another one, I was like, all right, I'm out. | ||
| I just kept smoking him. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| What does it say here? | ||
| In addition to Mr. Earl's $15,000 penalty, the restaurant was also ordered to pay $7,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Since he had a bar trap, he was illegally an employee. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| So, because the comedian had a small bar tab to host the event, the comedian was legally an employee. | ||
| Oh, man, that's sad. | ||
| It's an Earl's lawyer walking down the tribunal process. | ||
| Yeah, it's a tribunal. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What rights do they have? | ||
| Nordic. | ||
| They have gods. | ||
| It's Greek, and fucking Thor comes down, slams the hammer at the end of the decision. | ||
| So stupid looking. | ||
| So the guy, the comedian, the host of the show, was trying to say that the lady, quote, played a vital and highly dramatic role in utterly disrupting a performance by unpaid volunteers. | ||
| Comedy clubs are like no other places. | ||
| The quintessential element that distinguishes them from vapid mainstream media is the fearless pursuit of free speech. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Listen to this though, too. | ||
| Played a vital and highly dramatic role in utterly disrupting a performance by unpaid volunteers. | ||
| Open mic. | ||
| They're just trying to fucking go on and you guys are... | ||
| For that sentence, when he finished that sentence and he hit that period, the judge should have said, it's over. | ||
| You win. | ||
| You win. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| This is over. | ||
| Oh, she was messing you guys up? | ||
| Well, I'm on his side just by the way he spells things. | ||
| Spells things out. | ||
| Like, his sentence is perfect. | ||
| So, in the judge's words, the comic was not giving a comedy performance when he launched into his tirade of ugly words directly from his party. | ||
| But you can see that there are jokes there. | ||
| Yeah, that's not true because that was funny. | ||
| But even if he doesn't land them, it's like if you can see, if you can get an expert to say, oh yeah, here's where he was trying to get a joke, here's where he's trying to get a laugh. | ||
| Well, let's scroll back up to the thing that he said to her because it's fucking clearly a joke. | ||
| And if it's the way... | ||
| That's for the water throwing. | ||
| And by the way, this is people recanting it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, go down, go down, go down. | |
| No, it's right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's right there. | |
| Oh, wait, hold on. | ||
| Water throwing. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| She threw water at him twice. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| She threw water at him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Aww. | ||
| Well, that's just silly. | ||
| Come on, crazy lady. | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| That wasn't enough? | ||
| We're barely hitting each other? | ||
| We're gonna slap? | ||
| We're gonna have a slap fest? | ||
| She threw two glasses of water. | ||
| Threw two glasses of water. | ||
| And he broke her sunglasses in turn. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| They're like chimps smacking trees. | ||
| I could see that. | ||
| If somebody threw a glass of water at me and then threw another one and it was a girl so I couldn't hit her, I'd be like, well, you can't just fucking... | ||
| I could see my just... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I could see that. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I don't know if I would or not. | ||
| As Mr. Earl told it, however... | ||
| You're not even lesbians. | ||
| No guy will fuck you. | ||
| That's why you're with each other. | ||
| That's the joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's clearly a joke. | ||
| Well, listen to his point of view, though. | ||
| He says, the couple was passionately kissing in the front and repeatedly interrupting the set with obscenities. | ||
| When Mr. Earl tried to shut up the table with the quip, you're not even lesbians, no guy will fuck you, that's why you're with each other, just thus kissing off the ugly escalation. | ||
| Dude, that's the exact situation, that's happened a billion times that you've seen. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| People are being way too loud and disruptive. | ||
| And they don't believe they are. | ||
| They have no idea. | ||
| Well, it's people we were talking about before. | ||
| So this tribunal said, okay, if that happens and you're too harsh, you're going to have to pay money that you can't afford. | ||
| That's an open micer who's paying 15 grand. | ||
| Canada has legislated politeness. | ||
| That's how serious they take their politeness up there. | ||
| They've made laws where you have to be polite. | ||
| Well, in this situation, clubs are going to start recording filming sets. | ||
| That's the only way they're going to be. | ||
| I mean, this owner would have to protect himself. | ||
| Then that takes away this sort of... | ||
| Stand-up comedy is counterculture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is counterculture. | |
| And part of it exists because, like, hey, nobody's recording this. | ||
| This is all just existing right now in a basement of some hole. | ||
| I agree, and I think that's a beautiful aspect of it. | ||
| If you record everything, then you take away like, ugh, hold on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| I think it's a beautiful aspect of it. | ||
| But this poor fucking guy, I mean, if this is the landscape he's operating in, the owner of the goddamn club is getting fucked over by an open-miker. | ||
| So, hey, he has no incentive now. | ||
| This isn't just the $7,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| Why would any club, why would any place have an open-miker at their place? | ||
| Open mic nights are filled with crazy people. | ||
| And people who will become great comedians. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But the ratio is very high to crazy. | ||
| But even the ones that are going to become great are terrible when they're at the open mic. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And they can make terrible decisions. | ||
| And they might be one day, 20 years later, your all-time favorite comedian. | ||
| But right now, they're clonking their way through everything and spilling their fucking drink and looking... | ||
| Nobody does it right in the beginning. | ||
| It's an ad-lib thing. | ||
| And when you're ad-libbing like that, like where there's people in the audience that are disrupting the show... | ||
| If it's true from his perspective, what he's saying, well, they're interrupting with his job. | ||
| And his job is to talk and to be funny. | ||
| So, now you've engaged in some sort of a verbal warfare with a comedian who has a microphone. | ||
| How could they make him pay for that? | ||
| Because they couldn't see where the comedy would be. | ||
| Well, the fact that she threw drinks at him, that should sort of void out the whole thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| I guess... | ||
| I'm saying she was already so disrupted that she had to... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't like talking about these things if I wasn't there. | ||
| But you can see how this could play out exactly like a show you've been. | ||
| You could be on that side of that. | ||
| So easy. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| So now what you're saying is, hey, open mic places. | ||
| Don't start. | ||
| That's the worst part about it. | ||
| It's going to discourage the clubs from taking a chance and putting on these amateurs who, they don't know these people. | ||
| An open mic night, folks. | ||
| Let me just put it in perspective. | ||
| We had a guy who dropped an N-bomb Maybe 75 times at this place on Sunset. | ||
| At this recovery place. | ||
| A recovery place? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's a recovery place? | ||
| It was just where AA people hung out. | ||
| Oh, and he did like a set thing? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was an open mic? | ||
| It was an open mic. | ||
| And it was so uncomfortable. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But then, whatever. | ||
| He felt it too. | ||
| He probably won't do that again. | ||
| Or he will. | ||
| Or he will, whatever. | ||
| He'll cut it down. | ||
| About 10 N words. | ||
| Or that's his point. | ||
| He's trying to shock everyone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's fine. | ||
| He did it. | ||
| Or he just maybe doesn't know how goofy he sounds. | ||
| Some people don't know how goofy they sound. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got to get a response from people. | ||
| Like, if you're around entirely goofy people. | ||
| What if you're going to shock? | ||
| What if that's what you're going for, is to offend? | ||
| That's what you're looking for. | ||
| That's the emotion you're trying to get out of an audience. | ||
| And it's like, we're going to legislate and say, that's not one you can get out of them. | ||
| Or what if it's like you think that that's gonna be funny, but it's not? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you just suck it. | ||
| It's not working. | ||
| Like, you suck at this kind of... | ||
| Like, Diaz angry is one of the funniest things ever. | ||
| When his fucking face gets red and he starts getting mad, he starts screaming about how, when he was a kid, he's bottled water. | ||
| He goes, I used to drink puddle water. | ||
| And when everybody does that, he's fucking beat red in the face. | ||
| Like, that real anger, that shit's hilarious. | ||
| Because he's got jokes and it's real anger. | ||
| But when you have a manufactured anger, and you're trying to be edgy... | ||
| Yeah, fake rants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can see through them. | ||
| To me, that's offensive. | ||
| It's offensive if you're not in the moment, for sure. | ||
| Like, when Joey's talking about bottled water, he's in the moment. | ||
| It's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drink bottled water? | |
| We've all sort of figured this out in our own way. | ||
| But when you're on stage, and you're locked in, right? | ||
| The audience is laughing hard. | ||
| Everything's going great. | ||
| It feels like some kind of a mass hypnosis in a way. | ||
| Oh yeah, you're conducting it. | ||
| You can just point at them and they'll all laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's that, but it's also like I feel like when I watch... | ||
| Oh, when you're in the audience. | ||
| Yeah, like when I watched Burr the other day at the store in the main room and then Chappelle the other day in the OR. They're locked in. | ||
| Dude, I loved it. | ||
| I loved it as an audience member. | ||
| And I was thinking like when they were doing their jokes and I'm laughing, I'm like going along with their thought process. | ||
| And as it's happening to me, I'm recognizing this thing that it's somehow or another, they're thinking for you. | ||
| Like they're thinking for you and you're just on a ride with their thoughts. | ||
| Who's thinking for you? | ||
| The comic on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when someone has some fake rant, and you're like, oh, stop. | ||
| Like, if someone came over your house and went, the problem with the government is programs on TV are programming you. | ||
| That's why they call them programs. | ||
| You know, if this guy was in your house, you'd be like, will you shut the fuck up? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| But if Diaz is in your house, and he starts talking to you about some shit, Oh, the government has a fucking program. | ||
| You have a free show. | ||
| You have a show with Diaz. | ||
| We have shows with him whenever we hang out. | ||
| He'll perform at the restaurant. | ||
| He'll perform on the ride over. | ||
| New Year's is fun. | ||
| He's always on. | ||
| He's alive, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just don't think it should be up to anyone to decide what that line is of right or wrong. | ||
| Nailed it or didn't nail it. | ||
| Yeah, you just can't. | ||
| My line is different than your line. | ||
| Even the too soon kind of thing. | ||
| I heard Jeff Ross do a joke about something. | ||
| It was South Carolina, but it was like a year later. | ||
| But I remember people trying to do jokes right then, and people were like, no. | ||
| And so then Jeff did it, and it hit, and still got an oh like a year later. | ||
| But it's like, oh, what I want as an audience member is the day of. | ||
| So we like different things. | ||
| I like spicier foods, so it's fine. | ||
| My favorite example of people saying something isn't funny that was fucking hilarious was Artie Lang. | ||
| Artie Lang got in trouble. | ||
| Oh, for that Twitter stuff? | ||
| Because he said, he goes, I was having sex with this really, I'm paraphrasing, I was having sex with this really hot black girl and I was on top of her and she goes, I can't breathe. | ||
| And I'm like, let's not make this political, honey. | ||
| Let's not bring politics into the bedroom. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| Let's not bring politics into the bedroom. | ||
| But people got up and screamed at him, apparently, at the cellar in New York, and they stormed out. | ||
| I mean, this is like a year after the guy attempted suicide, too, by the way, right? | ||
| Oh, Artie? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, wasn't it like a year before that? | ||
| Like, it wasn't like a long time between them. | ||
| No, maybe a couple years, but not a lot. | ||
| Maybe two years, right? | ||
| So he's just getting back in the stand-up again. | ||
| But it was the heart of that I-can't-breathe time. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
|
unidentified
|
People were like, fuck you! | |
| Eric Gardner. | ||
| You can't make jokes about that! | ||
| See, me, I felt... | ||
| I mean, the only way you would look at it and say you can't make jokes about that is if you feel like it's somehow racist. | ||
| Because if it was any other reason, you could totally make a joke about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not even listening to it right. | ||
| You're just going, I think this is wrong. | ||
| I'm going to interrupt and yell. | ||
| Yeah, if you listen to what he's saying in the joke, like, come on. | ||
| That'd be like interrupting fucking... | ||
| It's not even a joke. | ||
| A Jonathan Swift essay, because you're like, wait, are you saying we should kill kids? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're saying we should... | ||
| He just said we should eat children! | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Let's get this guy the fuck off! | ||
| But the joke is not saying... | ||
| It's not making fun of the guy who died and the cops killing him. | ||
| The joke is making fun... | ||
| Of everyone talking about it. | ||
| Yes, that's it. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| The joke is him with a hot black girl and he's smothering her because he's fat. | ||
| She says, I can't breathe. | ||
| I mean, that's a fucking great joke. | ||
| It's a great joke and it's not mean. | ||
| Here's the joke. | ||
| The protests are affecting my life. | ||
| Last week I was having sex with a black girl. | ||
| She yelled out, I can't breathe. | ||
| So he put it on Twitter. | ||
| Right at the end of 2014. So, at the height of the Black Lives Matter. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Well, this was the height of the punchline. | ||
| I think the Black Lives Matter thing has never been bigger. | ||
| So, I don't think you can say it at the heart of it. | ||
| I think it's bigger now than ever before. | ||
| No, it was bigger then. | ||
| No, I don't think so at all. | ||
| I don't think so at all. | ||
| I think it's kind of eaten itself a little and people going, eh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, like all activism groups, you're going to get some weird people. | |
| Well, and there's also one of the guys who worked for him was white. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| See that? | ||
| They kind of proved this guy was white. | ||
| Who? | ||
| One of the guys in Black Lives Matter. | ||
| Was white? | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| He's a white guy. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| What the fuck do I know? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But the point is, like, that one was particularly egregious. | ||
| That incident with that Eric Gardner guy. | ||
| I got disgusted by that one. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Because all it was was cigarettes. | ||
| The guy was selling loose cigarettes. | ||
| He didn't do anything. | ||
| And the problem with that is, that comes from a place of, that guy had to sell loose cigarettes to make a living. | ||
| That's not like, he ain't robbing people. | ||
| He's selling loose cigarettes for a fucking dollar a piece. | ||
| For the people who can't afford a penny. | ||
| That's not a guy who wants to dream of that as a job and a career. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like, alright, they're poor people, and you're saying, we have regulations where the government's gotta get paid so some guy's able to push you around. | ||
| And they're like, eh, he had asthma. | ||
| But it's like, why is he fucking being that violent? | ||
| Instead of telling a guy to beat it. | ||
| Cops are not supposed to be revenue collectors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just not. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| It's stupid for the cop to be put in that position where you're making them arrest people because you have a quota. | ||
| We have to figure out a way where these people don't get paid that way. | ||
| The idea that you have to have a certain amount of crime every day in order to keep your position as a cop, that's insane. | ||
| What about a perfect world where we employ a lot of great cops, they become a member of the community, a respected member, because you don't have any fucking crime, so the cop doesn't be a problem anymore. | ||
| You don't look at him as a problem. | ||
| Don't do anything here because the sheriff's got to... | ||
| Well, you should look at cops. | ||
| It would be ideal, like in a perfect world. | ||
| All the people that were police officers would be the coolest fucking people in the world. | ||
| They just wanted everything to be cool. | ||
| Everything to stay calm. | ||
| And in the best case scenario, you live in a world where, like we were talking about how little violence there is. | ||
| Imagine if that got way better. | ||
| Imagine if like the douchebag factor got reduced dramatically for whatever way, in whatever way. | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| Imagine how wonderful it would be. | ||
| The world would be perfect. | ||
| We wouldn't have this fear that people constantly have of getting their home broken into or getting their ass kicked or getting in a fight or getting this or getting that. | ||
| All of it could go away. | ||
| But you can't just fucking choke a guy for cigarettes. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You just can't do it. | ||
| Yeah, the way they slam people's faces into the pavement when they arrest them. | ||
| That shit's criminal. | ||
| Because it's written down somewhere? | ||
| Someone decided there's a swath of land, and you've got a mark across it. | ||
| Some people sneak over. | ||
| They don't have good paperwork. | ||
| They don't get a good education. | ||
| Who knows what this guy's life was like? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I don't know if he was an immigrant. | ||
| I'm making up an immigrant story, but there's so many people that do so many different things in this world because they're trying to get by. | ||
| And the idea that someone would tackle you and choke you just because you're selling loose cigarettes. | ||
| For, at worst, a ticketable offense. | ||
| How about if he's selling stolen cigarettes that he broke into a building and stole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's one thing. | ||
| Well, this guy's a property thief. | ||
| Also, they told that, whatever, the head cop there was like, no more chokeholds. | ||
| And so he did it anyway. | ||
| You have to choke a guy like that in their defense. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| Chokes shouldn't kill you. | ||
| You certainly do if it's a fight. | ||
| It wasn't a fight. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| In that situation, if he's defending himself, I'm saying. | ||
| The only time you would have to use a chokehold against a person is if that person is somehow or another trying to hurt you. | ||
| So, okay, let me ask a question. | ||
| He was just dragging the guy to the ground. | ||
| But if they told them to stop using chokeholds, and he used it anyway. | ||
| Well, you have to if you want to take the guy to the ground. | ||
| Yeah, but he said, the head cop was like, guys, no more of these. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Before this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| He used it anyway. | ||
| So if I went and choked somebody, and he died, and I could say, well, he just had asthma, what trouble would I be in? | ||
| Big time. | ||
| Manslaughter. | ||
| Manslaughter. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And I couldn't use the excuse. | ||
| It depends. | ||
| It depends on what evidence the guy could be. | ||
| Like in this situation. | ||
| Same situation. | ||
| Okay, let's look at this situation. | ||
| Because in this situation, that guy was totally passive. | ||
| He didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| It was ugly. | ||
| It was ugly the way they grabbed him. | ||
| It was ugly the way... | ||
| But what I'm saying is like, if you want to control a guy who's that big, once it's a physical altercation, don't wait until he starts punching you or biting you before you choke him. | ||
| You choke him quick. | ||
| That's just what you do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm not condoning it in any way, shape, or form. | ||
| I think it's a terrible, terrible miscarriage of what's ethically right. | ||
| What's ethically right is not that the people with guns that are employed by the state come after you and drag you to the ground because they're not getting their tax money from you, which is all this loose cigarette thing is. | ||
| But what if the store owner did the exact same thing? | ||
| You were saying you, if you did it, you would have to have a reason to do it. | ||
| I mean, it would have to be some sort of an altercation. | ||
| So let's say I was a stoner. | ||
| And I came out there like, same reason, like, hey, I don't want you here, I sell cigarettes in here. | ||
| And the guy was like, I'm just trying to do it. | ||
| And then he just ran up behind him, choked him, and then his asthma made him die. | ||
| It depends on how it escalates, you know? | ||
| If you just attacked him, I would say, yeah, man, you just assaulted him for no reason. | ||
| Like this. | ||
| But what if he told you to fuck off and then tried to sucker punch you, and you had to duck under his punch. | ||
| He didn't do this. | ||
| Exactly, he didn't. | ||
| So then it would be a different story. | ||
| So in this situation, the store owner didn't do shit. | ||
| They called the cops. | ||
| But it was about a fight, because there had been a fight before. | ||
| That's why the cops had showed up. | ||
| So they showed up all geared up. | ||
| Yeah, they showed up geared up because there was an incident, and I think this guy might have even called it in. | ||
| The guy who they wound up killing. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know exactly what happened. | ||
| But this dude just happened to be there when it went down. | ||
| I might be wrong about him calling it in. | ||
| But he was just there. | ||
| And so they had come looking for this fight. | ||
| The fight wasn't there. | ||
| And then they started going after this guy. | ||
| What's the result of this cop? | ||
| What happened to him? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't want to single the cop out. | ||
| I don't even want to mention his name. | ||
| Did he get off or is he in trouble? | ||
| I'm sure he was. | ||
| There's a cop right. | ||
| I was just looking right now. | ||
| Two days ago a cop was charged in this incident. | ||
| In the Eric Garner? | ||
| It's a woman, so it's not the one that put him in a chokehold. | ||
| I mean, we could- A sergeant, so she might be one of the ones that's in charge of the people that did it, so I'm looking right now. | ||
| That's what happens when you're a leader, right? | ||
| That's again, like the club owner and the open miker. | ||
| Imagine if you're a sergeant and your rookie out there chokes some guy to death and you get in trouble and you get kicked off the force, you lose your cushy job. | ||
| She's charged right now with failure to supervise, an internal charge. | ||
| Damn, they got her with failure to supervise. | ||
| How the fuck is she supposed to supervise like these guys choking this guy on the street? | ||
| What is she supposed to do? | ||
| Take the losses on a coach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is your forearm under his chin, yes or no? | |
| Stop! | ||
| Let me check your technique. | ||
| I was in New York then. | ||
| What could she do? | ||
| And there were those cops. | ||
| I remember passing by these cops talking to each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And one was going, that's not a choke. | ||
| It's a fucking choke. | ||
| That's not a choke. | ||
| Let me put you in it. | ||
| He got it in a hold on his neck. | ||
| Let me put you in it. | ||
| No thanks. | ||
| I'll choke the shit out of somebody. | ||
| Anybody who tells me that's not a choke, let me hold your neck like that. | ||
| What qualifications do you have to be able to say what a choke is? | ||
| Me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've got a couple things. | ||
| You can definitely be called as an expert. | ||
| I said it on Twitter. | ||
| I said as a martial arts expert. | ||
| I even said that as a professional martial arts expert. | ||
| I'll tell you very clearly, that's a choke. | ||
| I will choke the fucking life out of you with that. | ||
| If I have your head in between my arms, forget me, okay? | ||
| How about Eddie Bravo? | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| If Eddie Bravo has your neck and it's trapped in between his arms, you're going to sleep. | ||
| You're just going to sleep. | ||
| That's a choke. | ||
| If he's got your neck like they had Eric Gardner, you're going to sleep. | ||
| If Jake... | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That guy has his finger tucked under his wrist. | ||
| He's got the hand in the back. | ||
| He's just got a shitty choke. | ||
| He doesn't have the proper technique, for sure. | ||
| The other guy's holding his hand. | ||
| He's definitely underneath the guy's chin though, but this is just a freeze frame. | ||
| That might have been like a brief millisecond of struggle, you know, where he was pushing down with his left arm and up with his right. | ||
| Because if you look at his right arm, in this position, that right arm is just an underhook. | ||
| That's not putting any pressure on his neck. | ||
| The only thing that's pushing pressure on the neck is the left arm, which is under the chin, but there is definitely some space. | ||
| There's definitely some space, because it's not under his chin. | ||
| You see where his chin is? | ||
| Like, make it bigger, real quick. | ||
| Make it bigger. | ||
| But this is just one picture. | ||
| If you see where his chin is... | ||
| Yeah, he's just got the back of his hand. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Going to your Twitter? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| But I saw an image where they were like on the ground. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw a different image. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| See, that's a choke. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| That's a choke. | ||
| Oh, he's got under the neck, too. | ||
| That's a fucking 100% choke. | ||
| I'd choke you to death with one arm like that, if you let me. | ||
| If you let me get under your chin like that, like, this guy's letting him. | ||
| He's not resisting. | ||
| He's being, what I mean, he's letting him. | ||
| He's in a position where he can't do anything about it, I should say. | ||
| Even if he didn't die, let's say nothing happened to him. | ||
| See, he's not defending it. | ||
| So if he's not defending it, it's 100% of that guy's might. | ||
| The left guy, he's in a side choke position, so he's pushing down with his left shoulder as well as pulling up with his left hand. | ||
| And if he puts his left hand on the guy, Eric Gardner's shoulder, he uses that as leverage. | ||
| Like, guys choke... | ||
| Luke Rockhold tapped out Michael Bisping with a one-arm guillotine. | ||
| Okay, from the mount position, that's a powerful move. | ||
| I mean, it's not exactly this move here, but it's very similar in regards to how much pressure you can put down with your shoulder and how much you can pull up with your arm. | ||
| That's a fucking choke. | ||
| Somebody gets you in a bed, like, Marcelo Garcia? | ||
| How about Jacare? | ||
| Jacare gets a hold of you like that? | ||
| Yeah, that's a fucking choke. | ||
| You're gonna go to sleep. | ||
| It's not the best choke in the world, okay? | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| It's not like the perfect choke. | ||
| The perfect choke is, you know, like a Marcelo Garcia rear naked choke, where the technique is just so laser sharp. | ||
| Is there a laser sharp? | ||
| Lasers might not even be sharp. | ||
| Like in Star Wars, they're not sharp. | ||
| Do we really need to watch this guy die? | ||
| They're fucking with him, I'll tell you that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, I didn't sell anything. | |
| He didn't even have loose cigarettes on him when they arrested him. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| Nope, didn't have him. | ||
| Every time you see me, you want to mess with me. | ||
| I'm tired of it. | ||
| It stops today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy right here is forced to leave. | |
| Trying to lock somebody up for breaking up a fight. | ||
| So yeah, he broke up a fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody standing here, they told you I didn't do nothing. | |
| I did not sell nothing. | ||
| Because every time you see me, you want to harass me, you want to stop me, trying to tell me something. | ||
| You know what the world needs is a mediator. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Like, let's press a button on our app. | ||
| A life mediator. | ||
| And we have a life mediator show up who's like a really cool dude like The Rock. | ||
| Like, I feel like The Rock could have kept that guy alive. | ||
| He would have got there in between the cops. | ||
| Boys, boys, boys, relax here. | ||
| Let's talk this through. | ||
| Let's be rational, man. | ||
| We'll regret it in the morning. | ||
| He'll have some motivational shit, maybe take him to the gym, everybody does some squats. | ||
| Diaz had a guy, Brea, a show, I think we all did, I think it was Brea, where the guy was getting kicked out and they were like, he wouldn't leave, so they were calling the cops, and Diaz was like, you gotta get out of here, they're gonna arrest you, just leave! | ||
| Oh yeah, that video, we made a video of it, remember? | ||
| No, I don't, really? | ||
| Yeah, there was a video of it. | ||
| Because they're gonna rape you, you're small, they're gonna rape you in prison! | ||
| Just go! | ||
| So you don't get raped in prison, you have to go! | ||
| I'm pretty sure Red Band got a video of it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I think he got a video of it and then maybe a video of the guy getting arrested later. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he wouldn't go. | ||
| He was settled in. | ||
| Yeah, you never know, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn it, Javier. | |
| Life is good. | ||
| Life is good, but I need a tank. | ||
| Either a little one or a big one. | ||
| I already did my show. | ||
| Artie Lang did it? | ||
| What did he talk about? | ||
| He talked about, he told two stories. | ||
| So, one's going on just web, one's going on TV, talked about when he was on MADtv doing a bunch of blow while he was supposed to be working. | ||
| This is the only life where you can talk about things like that. | ||
| Just casually? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it seems funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whereas if he was an insurance salesman and he was talking to the people at his sober counseling. | ||
| Oh yeah, you cannot talk about your cocaine. | ||
| By the way, new episode is February 23rd on Comedy Central. | ||
| Oh, season two? | ||
| Deuce? | ||
| Are you calling it deuce? | ||
| Season deuce? | ||
| Season dose? | ||
| Yeah, I should say that. | ||
| I like what you're doing. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Overall, I like what you're doing with your life. | ||
| I like how you go on these nutty trips. | ||
| You just take a month and just go somewhere. | ||
| You went to Thailand for a while. | ||
| You talk to your average stoner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who is a brokester and is just barely getting by. | ||
| Man, if I had fucking money, you know what I'd do, dude? | ||
| I wouldn't even be worried about shit, man. | ||
| I'd just fucking leave my phone behind. | ||
| I'd go to Thailand for a month. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I'd tell my agent, suck my dick. | ||
| I'll be back in 30 days. | ||
| Until then, deal. | ||
| But we have meetings, but we have, fuck you, I'm going to Thailand. | ||
| Just bring your laptop. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| So you just decided. | ||
| You just decided. | ||
| I had to go to Atlanta first to shoot something and then right to Thailand, so I mailed my phone back to my home. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| And went and got on the plane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
| That's how you're supposed to do it. | ||
| Yeah, it was so much fun. | ||
| No, you're doing it exactly the right way. | ||
| Find some shit in a new country. | ||
| Eat some crazy noodles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Experience some weirdness. | ||
| They sell so much Viagra on the streets of Bangkok. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| It is everywhere. | ||
| They just look at you like, Viagra, Viagra! | ||
| And you're like, first of all, this is like Viagra. | ||
| It's such clearly a knockoff. | ||
| Does it work? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I wasn't going to try it. | ||
| Because they weren't discounted to like a dollar a pill. | ||
| They were like half as much as they would have cost in like a store here. | ||
| And that was offensive to you. | ||
| Look at your face. | ||
| You're like, excuse me, we're in a third world country. | ||
| You don't deserve my money. | ||
| There are children working right now and it's 3 a.m. | ||
| And that guy's six and he's trying to sell me shit. | ||
| So I think the pleasure should reflect that. | ||
| Yeah, you don't need a lot of money to get by in Thailand, right? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Once you're there, you're good. | ||
| And it's relatively safe. | ||
| Dude, everything is free. | ||
| Thailand's a little more dangerous. | ||
| China's super safe. | ||
| Thailand, you can get fucked with a little bit. | ||
| But it's relatively safe. | ||
| It ain't, like, any worse than here, really. | ||
| The only thing you gotta worry about a little bit is cops more. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Thailand? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They probably know Muay Thai. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you up. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| But yeah, I walked around the streets and shit. | ||
| Even the small places and the big places. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't really feel any danger. | ||
| Did you go to Muay Thai fights? | ||
| I went to Thai kickboxing fights? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just play this fucking flute thing the whole time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's an annoying sound. | ||
| And they each have a dance of their own sensei. | ||
| They have to do this special dance of their own dojo. | ||
| Well, I think it's called the Y-Crew. | ||
| I think that's how they spell it. | ||
| It was so cool! | ||
| I might have said it wrong. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty dope. | ||
| Okay, so you just walk down this like... | ||
| Yeah, explain what that is. | ||
| The whole little dance, because people are like, what the fuck are they talking about? | ||
| They have to do this, they introduce each person, and then as they're both in there, I think they do it together? | ||
| Maybe one at a time, I'm not really sure. | ||
| They just do this act-out dance, where they just sort of kick a knee up, and then do a fake clinch, maybe a spin, kick and stuff, but just by themselves, not at anybody. | ||
| And then they do that for a while. | ||
| They go all the way down to like one knee where one foot goes way out behind. | ||
| We'll watch these guys do it at the same time. | ||
| These are the hardcore guys. | ||
| They're doing a lot more of these matches. | ||
| You see these guys' wraps on their hands? | ||
| They're gonna fight bare knuckle. | ||
| It's not totally bare knuckle. | ||
| You have wraps, but they're not gonna wear gloves. | ||
| And there's quite a few fights that are taking place where guys are fighting like this now. | ||
| And I'm wondering if it's an impact of MMA being more popular. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| The ones I saw had these thick boxing gloves on. | ||
| This guy I follow on Instagram, Sanchai. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And he just fought the other night with those gloves on. | ||
| Wraps, rather. | ||
| No gloves. | ||
| And I was like, wow, he's doing those fights. | ||
| Like, some of the top Thai guys are doing these fights. | ||
| And they wrap the rope around their head. | ||
| It's just sort of like... | ||
| This is all ceremonial right now. | ||
| Well, it's not just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| They do the spin things with their hands? | ||
| No, it's also a warm-up. | ||
| See, when you watch what he's doing here, when he bends his knee down and picks his foot up, he's stretching his hips. | ||
| He's stretching all the muscles around his upper leg. | ||
| It'll make it more loose for kicking. | ||
| So he's loosening up. | ||
| See, all the power in your kick comes from weight, but it comes from your hips. | ||
| A lot of it is the swinging of the hips and the engaging of the hips when you throw kicks. | ||
| So what he's doing is like, it's conducive to warming up that area where you're gonna light someone's legs up. | ||
| They're both doing it. | ||
| See how they're both doing it? | ||
| It's a warm-up. | ||
| But it's also spiritual. | ||
| But it's also spiritual. | ||
| So you're walking down the street and you see an alley. | ||
| And you just go down in the alley. | ||
| And there's just a ring in the middle of it. | ||
| And maybe a pool table and four makeshift bars around it. | ||
| It almost looks like a lemonade stand at the Rose Bowl swap meet. | ||
| And then you just get booze. | ||
| Some people come around taking bets. | ||
| Like, who do you want? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then if you pick the right guy, you can bet whatever bet you want, and they'll just pay it off. | ||
| Dude, this is a beautiful art. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love Muay Thai. | ||
| It's beautiful, but see, like that, he was doing one-legged squats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you're doing that, you're just trying to warm up. | ||
| Yeah, he's just trying to warm up his hips. | ||
| And they're right next to each other, too, and they're about to beat the fuck out of each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| They're all real respectful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I didn't see any. | ||
| I went to a couple different ones. | ||
| They're these weird promoters. | ||
| These are just back-alley things, and they just get like, you know, 50 people to show up. | ||
| Well, they're the same way, though, even when they're world champions. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's really interesting, yeah. | ||
| I've seen world championship fights where the two fighters get, but I've also seen animosity. | ||
| I watched this fight in L.A. where Bukow was fighting this guy, and Bukow, I think his name was Par Promet. | ||
| It's like their name, part of their name is what their gym that they're fighting out of. | ||
| But I think his actual name is Bull Cow. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Either way, he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Like a world champion, world class TIE fighter. | ||
| And he fought this dude who was really disrespectful to him. | ||
| So he did this like very violent and aggressive dance towards him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was very different. | ||
| It's very different than I'd ever seen before, where he'd like launched arrows at him and shit and like had all this like choreographed, but it was like directed towards this guy. | ||
| Then they fought and he fucked him up. | ||
| He lit him up. | ||
| He shot the arrows at him and also fucked him up? | ||
| Well, he fake shot the arrows during his dance, but when they fought, he fucked the dude up. | ||
| He backed out the trash. | ||
| Well, Bull Cow's on a very high level as a TIE fighter. | ||
| And there's a lot of... | ||
| Fighters who are maybe aggressive and athletic, and they hit really hard, and they overestimate their ability, and they just think they're a bad motherfucker. | ||
| They've knocked a bunch of guys out. | ||
| They're gonna fight Bua Cao. | ||
| They're gonna knock this motherfucker out, too. | ||
| Like, people have this idea in their head, but you get in there with that guy, and you realize, like, oh, okay. | ||
| I can't even hit him, and every time I move, he's killing my legs. | ||
| Every time I come close to him, his knee is getting buried into my ribcage. | ||
| He's elbowing me in the head on the break, and then smiling at me and doing it all over again. | ||
| He's gonna keep doing it, and your body's gonna start breaking down, and that's what happened. | ||
| He just started beating the fuck out of this dude. | ||
| Like, those guys were getting a little aggressive there. | ||
| Yeah, he was. | ||
| Getting the wave off. | ||
| This is lasting way longer than anything I saw. | ||
| Yeah, these guys love each other, I think. | ||
| I think they're gonna start making out. | ||
| I think Jamie just tricked us into watching some gay porn. | ||
| It's gonna start off, that's why they have the gloves on. | ||
| They're just gonna fist each other with those things. | ||
| How many fights did you see? | ||
| I saw probably 10 fights the first time. | ||
| And then in Chiang Mai, I probably saw another probably seven, eight fights. | ||
| What was the fight where you and Duncan were in the crowd at the UFC and you timed it perfectly? | ||
| I don't know who was fighting in this wrestling fight. | ||
| Nate Marquardt and Brad Tavares. | ||
| Powerful memory. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| How do I remember that? | ||
| My wife would tell me some shit yesterday. | ||
| I'm like, you never said that. | ||
| Meanwhile, she totally talked for like 10 minutes about it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But Nate Marquardt versus Brad Tavares. | ||
| Oh, it was so much fun. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Nate Marquardt, Brad Tavares. | ||
| So we're sitting in the front row. | ||
| And when the camera came to them, they made out. | ||
| Look at Frosty dying. | ||
| Dying laughing. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| So we're starting to throw Illuminati signs up. | ||
| We made a big one with my whole forearm and his both. | ||
| Giant triangles. | ||
| And then he goes, at some point Duncan's like, we kept taking it up a notch. | ||
| And at some point he just leans to me and he goes, you know we got a kiss, right? | ||
| And I was like, motherfucker. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| And so I'm watching a fight and Duncan's staring at the monitor, the whole time just staring, waiting for it to come on us. | ||
| And then at some point he just goes, now! | ||
| So I just had to turn and start making out. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta be careful about that, folks. | ||
| What? | ||
| Get me in trouble. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| The UFC didn't even care. | ||
| They thought it was funny. | ||
| Dana wrote me the next day. | ||
| Dana's an animal. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| I didn't know if he met me. | ||
| He goes, you two are quite the social media stars this morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But, like, it ain't a bad thing. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| You didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| Like, Dana's a regular person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, for having a guy who's the president of, like, the Illuminated Eyesights! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get so retarded! | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| That is so stupid. | ||
| We're children. | ||
| We're in our 40s. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with us? | ||
| Duncan, the people he thinks, legit think that he's in the Illuminati. | ||
| Of course they do. | ||
| They think I am too. | ||
| They think I'm a Satan worshipper. | ||
| Because I went to that performance that he did at that guy's funeral. | ||
| Or, funeral. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Duncan. | |
| Funeral. | ||
| This is where my mouth is. | ||
| It was his birthday party. | ||
| Oh, the wedding thon. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Someone's wedding? | ||
| It was one of the LaVey's, Anton LaVey's grandson or something like that. | ||
| We went to that show. | ||
| He performed at one of his birthday parties with a dead grandfather. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I wasn't there for that one. | ||
| But Duncan did Little Hobo. | ||
| It was so bizarre. | ||
| It was just so strange. | ||
| I ran into a bunch of people I knew there, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you guys are quite the Satanists, huh? | ||
| Yeah, hmm. | ||
| Well, they weren't really Satanists. | ||
| Like, one of them was hired. | ||
| It was Dave Foley's wife at the time. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, oh, hey, what's up? | ||
| She was there. | ||
| There was a bunch of people. | ||
| Didn't we run into some other comics there, too? | ||
| I wasn't at their wedding. | ||
| You didn't go to their wedding? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It was just me and Duncan and Joey? | ||
| Joey went. | ||
| Eddie Bravo went, too. | ||
| Yeah, we were like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| It wasn't some party. | ||
| It wasn't necessarily a wedding. | ||
| It was like six... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I met a guy. | ||
| Hank III was there, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's who it was. | |
| Hank Williams III? Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't get to meet him, but I like his music. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was awesome. | ||
| He's got country roots, too. | ||
| Oh, deep. | ||
| He was awesome in that Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. | ||
| It was a good movie. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| They were rednecks. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| But he was great in it, too. | ||
| He's helping narrate it and talk to the Jesco, the dancing outlaw. | ||
| What a bunch of fucking awesome, strange people. | ||
| They run shit too, huh? | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| I mean, they're only getting arrested and fucked up. | ||
| They're the Duke boys. | ||
| They're the real Duke boys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like the Duke boys are supposed to be like these heart of gold moonshiners who don't want to fuck their cousin. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| I would be like, we're only cousins. | ||
| Look at this bitch. | ||
| Nobody's fucking Daisy, okay? | ||
| She can't get a goddamn boyfriend. | ||
| She's running around. | ||
| Oh, because she likes Cletus. | ||
| She likes Cletus. | ||
| Can she make it more obvious? | ||
| She's cut the legs off her shorts so you could just finger her on a swing. | ||
| She's there for you. | ||
| She's letting you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| She's hacking her shorts like no girl ever before her. | ||
| No girl's ever done that. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Even now, it's like, God damn. | ||
| And she was doing it when no one was doing it. | ||
| And she was wearing men's shirts. | ||
| Like, she just got done fucking. | ||
| Tied up? | ||
| Like, she tied some man's shirt on. | ||
| Like, your shirt. | ||
| She could be wearing your shirt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Buttons down to the fifth button. | ||
| Tied off on the bottom. | ||
| Titties. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| She's got a man's shirt on. | ||
| Why does that super hot girl have almost no shorts in a man's shirt? | ||
| That's the second Luke Duke, right? | ||
| That ain't number one Bo and Luke. | ||
| No, that's real. | ||
| That's number two Bo and Luke. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You don't even know your history. | ||
| Show me the number two Bo and Luke. | ||
| That's John Schneider. | ||
| Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| Yeah, it's been a while. | ||
| Tom Wolpat. | ||
| Man, that hair. | ||
| Those are the number twos? | ||
| No, these are still the real people. | ||
| No, same guy, same guy. | ||
| God, look at those shorts. | ||
| Jesus Christ, she was hot. | ||
| All pink? | ||
| This makes me nervous just looking at her. | ||
| You can see their fucking junk in their pants. | ||
| Yeah, their dicks were as hard as rocks. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Look, they're right next to her. | ||
| And they're not even related to her. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| Does she have camel toe on that? | ||
| She's got everything. | ||
| It looks like it's the beginning of one. | ||
| Just the beginning of vag outline. | ||
| She's got everything. | ||
| You can see the slice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had grandma panties back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Guess who doesn't care? | ||
| Me. | ||
| Are you a panties guy? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Smelling and stuff? | ||
| I like when girls wear thongs. | ||
| I don't like granny panties. | ||
| I think when girls learn nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Say it. | |
| Somebody's got help. | ||
| What are you constraining yourself? | ||
| So they were moonshiners with a heart of gold that never got any pussy. | ||
| And they were beautiful men. | ||
| Beautiful men and their hot cousin. | ||
| It was a show where no one fucked. | ||
| It was the most ridiculous world. | ||
| It was way more ridiculous than the fact that they were shooting bows and arrows with dynamite at the end of it. | ||
| And they didn't have guns because they did time for fucking running moonshine. | ||
| But the man Man, that was a fun show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But nobody fucked. | |
| Nobody fucked. | ||
| Yeah, you'd think fucking Boss Hogg would have had a slew of hookers. | ||
| She should have a line of dudes. | ||
| They should do that show now, in reality. | ||
| Like, this is what it would be like. | ||
| Well, let's think about her. | ||
| She was the only hot girl on the show ever. | ||
| Look who fucking Uncle Jesse's sitting next to. | ||
| One of the grossest women of all time. | ||
| That's his wife. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| He would have been fucking Daisy. | ||
| She's a wonderful woman and a great cook. | ||
| Uncle Jesse would have been fucking her. | ||
| He would have been fucking her. | ||
| Uncle Jesse would have fucked her. | ||
| Everybody would have fucked her. | ||
| Cletus, Scooter. | ||
| Boss Hogg definitely would have had her on the payroll. | ||
| He would have had her on the payroll. | ||
| She would have been riding right next to him in that Cadillac with the bullhorns in the front of it. | ||
| But she came on to the other guy. | ||
| Oh, Cletus. | ||
| She was always coming on to him. | ||
| Cletus is gay as fuck. | ||
| And he was uncomfortable by it. | ||
| Because Jesus was strong in his life. | ||
| That's why Cletus didn't want to admit it. | ||
| That's them now? | ||
| Don't show me now. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| Don't do it to me. | ||
| Just don't do it to me, Jamie. | ||
| Kill this thing. | ||
| We're watching television now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at her sitting up. | |
| Her legs were so hot. | ||
| She was ridiculously hot. | ||
| We're just watching TV now. | ||
| But here's what's crazy about that show. | ||
| I mean, was there another girl on the show? | ||
| Ever? | ||
| Besides, like, old ladies? | ||
| Maybe she had, like, a rule in the contract. | ||
| She could be the only hot one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, listen bitches. | ||
| I don't think there was ever another lady. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| If I was running the Dukes of Hazzard, okay? | ||
| That's why I'm not an executive producer. | ||
| If I was running the Dukes of Hazzard, I would say, okay, why do we only have one hot chick? | ||
| Are you guys out of your fucking mind? | ||
| We need to Baywatch this motherfucker up. | ||
| You would turn into porn if you were running it. | ||
| Within two seasons, it'd be like... | ||
| Let's just say, hey, boss hog! | ||
| No, it's a comedy, folks. | ||
| You should have more funny, hot girls in the background. | ||
| Do another shit. | ||
| Maybe run another alternative storyline. | ||
| You know, you have an A plot and a B plot. | ||
| This is the problem with Hollywood. | ||
| As soon as you get some fucking heat, now you're like, let's put some more hot women in this sitcom. | ||
| You're ruining it! | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm trying to diversify. | ||
| I'm thinking a hot Indian woman. | ||
| That's what I'm thinking. | ||
| A really hot Indian woman. | ||
| You always get... | ||
| You think you're going to get... | ||
| It's that close to happening and she shuts you down and makes you feel like an idiot. | ||
| And maybe they're smuggling a shipment of Jell-O and the two of them have to... | ||
| Maybe have some sort of battle? | ||
| Let's just make sure that punch is up. | ||
| When we write this together... | ||
| Everyone will be white. | ||
| Everyone will be white. | ||
| It has to punch up. | ||
| We make fun of white men, especially. | ||
| Let's punch up. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's important, Ari. | ||
| Somebody recognized me in an island in Thailand. | ||
| It said Eddie Bravo. | ||
| He takes Muay Thai class there and said Eddie Bravo's got to teach a seminar. | ||
| He was going to teach a seminar? | ||
| No, he was like, please tell Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Well, what are you, a messenger for Eddie Bravo? | ||
| Tell that motherfucker to get on Twitter like everybody else. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You guys have the internet. | ||
| They have the internet. | ||
| How dare he? | ||
| Try to use you. | ||
| How about just say hello, man? | ||
| He did. | ||
| You have a task! | ||
| What am I, a carrier pigeon, you fuck? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| What am I, a raven? | ||
| You want to tie something to my ankle? | ||
| He helped me teach me how to get the fucking kick out of my scooter. | ||
| I was like, how do you fuck it? | ||
| And he goes, Ari Shafir? | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, hey, how do you kick this scooter thing out? | ||
| And he goes, here, let me show you. | ||
| Tell Eddie Bravo to come out here. | ||
| That would actually be really hot if you had, like, a girl who was like a super hot girl who would carry a message to you taped to her ankle. | ||
| Yeah, and then what? | ||
| Like, it became a service. | ||
| A messenger hottie. | ||
| Yeah, you know how, like, maybe, like, you would hire someone to be a clown at a birthday party, or someone to show up at your dance, show up at your office, rather, and do a dance for you on your birthday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, somebody got you a dancagram! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Da-da-da-da-da! | |
| Instead of that, you have hot girls show up like ravens with a note. | ||
| Attached to their ankle and they have to put their leg up on your desk and untie the note and give it to you in some weird sort of semi-stripper sort of situation. | ||
| And you read this little scroll that someone had written out like old-timey. | ||
| Go way back. | ||
| This is how you communicate with people. | ||
| Can you have a seal, one of those wax seals that you have to stamp like it hasn't been broken? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, a wax seal around her ankle. | ||
| Maybe a little hot wax got on her. | ||
| How did I feel when this message was the test? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| I like it. | ||
| I like being in a little pain. | ||
| Don't hurt me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little wax, a little hot wax never hurt anything. | |
| That would be a new service. | ||
| How much would you pay? | ||
| At least five dollars extra. | ||
| Well, what I'm thinking is... | ||
| But probably more. | ||
| Let's just concentrate on ballers. | ||
| We move into Bel Air and Beverly Hills where all these fuckheads are driving million-dollar cars, and we just start running shit. | ||
| Get the former Miss Yugoslavia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's running from a fucking uprising in her country. | ||
| Let's get crazy. | ||
| Let's say each message costs a thousand dollars to deliver a message in Los Angeles. | ||
| In that style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| In that style. | ||
| One thousand dollars plus tips. | ||
| But you gotta make sure the girls don't become hookers. | ||
| They would just become hookers. | ||
| You've already done this for a thousand? | ||
| Well, I have 30,000 more if you'll... | ||
| Come on into my castle. | ||
| How long have you been working for this agency? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're so much hotter than all the other girls who ever do this. | |
| Listen, you don't need this shit. | ||
| Sit down. | ||
| I'll call them. | ||
| Have a drink with me. | ||
| Do you like music? | ||
| What kind of music do you like? | ||
| How about R. Kelly? | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| Real talk! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes! | |
| Real talk! | ||
| Have you heard Real Talk? | ||
| I heard it a long time ago. | ||
| Maybe the greatest song humanity's ever done. | ||
| Well, the whole video series. | ||
| Everything amazing. | ||
| Oh, The Trap in the Closet? | ||
| You're thinking of The Trap in the Closet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trapped in the Closet was pretty deep. | ||
| I wonder if Real Talk was the other thing. | ||
| Real Talk was one song. | ||
| It was one song and one music video. | ||
| What happened to R. Kelly? | ||
| So he went a little crazy too, then came back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh! | |
| I didn't do anything, man. | ||
| Nothing happened. | ||
| Peed on a girl. | ||
| A girl's like 14. R. Kelly has 40 more chapters of trapped in the closet planned. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| I hope he never dies. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I really hope he lives forever. | ||
| He might be my favorite person ever. | ||
| Real talk! | ||
| There's a specific kind of crazy that's famous crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where it's like no one will ever tell you, don't be this crazy. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| It's also black famous crazy. | ||
| Black famous crazy? | ||
| You couldn't pull that off if you're a white guy. | ||
| You can't wear a clock around your neck and act like it's normal. | ||
| Black guys can pull off way more extravagance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, this isn't racist. | ||
| I'm just being real with you people. | ||
| Says the guy with the sumo sword on his desk. | ||
| Somebody give it to me. | ||
| Samurai sword. | ||
| Sumos don't have sword, you fucking racist. | ||
| How dare you misappropriate culture. | ||
| Oh my god, you're a terrible person. | ||
| I always knew you were a racist. | ||
| You hide behind the fact that you're a Jew. | ||
| Oh, I'm so persecuted. | ||
| Let me be racist. | ||
| Sumo and samurai. | ||
| Sumo. | ||
| What's sumo? | ||
| Oh, the fat guys throwing each other? | ||
| Oh, they got swords. | ||
| They should get swords. | ||
| Oh my god, you're right. | ||
| It would change the game in sumos. | ||
| You might have just made sumo amazing. | ||
| Made it relevant again. | ||
| The most amazing thing ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just watching guys go to war. | ||
| Okay, how about this? | ||
| Fat guys going to war. | ||
| You're not allowed to stab through the body. | ||
| But you can hack them apart. | ||
| So guys would just be covered with scars. | ||
| Oh, the fat would be pouring out when they get sliced open. | ||
| Spilling. | ||
| Dude, you don't have to give them shields. | ||
| No, fuck them. | ||
| No, their bellies are their shields. | ||
| Can you at least make it like dull swords? | ||
| How about no swords? | ||
| Okay, what if you were playing with lightsabers, but the lightsabers just shocked you? | ||
| Oh, but like a heavy shock. | ||
| Yeah, like a taser. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like a Jason Ellis type shock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That level, but with lightsabers. | ||
| Yeah, imagine if that was a sport. | ||
| Oh my god, I might have just invented the perfect sport. | ||
| By the way, Jason Ellis, run with this. | ||
| Yeah, go for it, dude. | ||
| For real, I'll give it to you. | ||
| I'll even help. | ||
| Do they have lightsaber tasers? | ||
| They should. | ||
| Why don't they? | ||
| If they don't, they're retarded. | ||
| Dude, if I was a girl and a rapist came to me and I had a taser, I'd be like, oh, fuck. | ||
| But if I had a taser lightsaber, I'd be like, you're probably not going to continue with this, right? | ||
| You're going to get fucked up. | ||
| You're going to get out of here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, anyone can touch you with something, like a lightsaber. | ||
| Like, they might be able to, well, depends on who you are, obviously. | ||
| Like, if you're Steven Seagal, he'll figure it out. | ||
| He'll be able to block it and flip you. | ||
| You never touch him with it. | ||
| Any part of you touches it, it shocks you. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to just touch their feet. | ||
| Like, fake, you're going low, go high. | ||
| They couldn't block at all. | ||
| Any sort of block at it would be shocked. | ||
| Well, anybody who knows fencing, for sure, they would fuck you up. | ||
| Like, fencers would be the most dangerous people ever. | ||
| On Earth. | ||
| Well, imagine if you had one, and it was small, and you could press a button like you do with a lightsaber, and a rod extends. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a metal rod. | ||
| Because they have those things, like those batons. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You press a button, and it becomes a steel baton. | ||
| Taser rod. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What are we, 12? | ||
| What's wrong with us? | ||
| We're grown men. | ||
| We pay taxes. | ||
| So you would press a button and it would just become electrified. | ||
| Yeah, that totally seems like it would be a real thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, they probably have that in development, right? | ||
| How did they not? | ||
| If they don't, they do now. | ||
| That Batman should have that. | ||
| Fuck yeah, you should have that. | ||
| Superman will still fuck him up. | ||
| That's why this movie's stupid. | ||
| I don't care what anybody says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Superman, Batman's just gonna put kryptonite all over his body. | |
| Superman's gonna go and make the world spin backwards so that Batman doesn't get the fucking kryptonite suit, dummy. | ||
| He can make the world spin backwards. | ||
| All he has to do is stay like a hundred feet away from Batman. | ||
| He could find out when he got the kryptonite and just keep spinning backwards until it was like a month ago. | ||
| He would just pick up cars and throw them at Batman until he died. | ||
| Just stop. | ||
| Well, he's not trying to kill him because he's all good. | ||
| But if he wanted to, he could. | ||
| That's the idea, right? | ||
| Everybody says, you don't get it, bro. | ||
| Batman's evil. | ||
| That's why he always wins. | ||
| Listen, bitch. | ||
| Batman ain't evil. | ||
| Listen, bitch. | ||
| Even if he's evil, the other guy's bulletproof. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| He's an alien. | ||
| Dude, do you remember when we were saying... | ||
| People just get angry right now. | ||
| What if you don't even fucking understand comic books? | ||
| When I did an Instagram post about that, oh my god, people were so mad at me. | ||
| People got mad. | ||
| Why are you taking the Fear Factor guy seriously? | ||
| Why are you taking me seriously? | ||
| You don't even know about comic books. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| I don't know about the subject that you just said I don't know about. | ||
| I barely, barely know something about comic books. | ||
| Dude, those previews for Star Wars, all the superhero movies were exactly the same. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't look good. | ||
| We gotta pull power back. | ||
| You guys gotta check in. | ||
| We gotta know about your powers. | ||
| The government gets mad. | ||
| Other superheroes are like, I'll help pull their powers back. | ||
| Superhero fight. | ||
| It was more than one preview, right? | ||
| In Star Wars, was that same movie. | ||
| The last Avengers felt really stale. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I saw it right after the Machina, what is it? | ||
| Ex Machina. | ||
| Ex Machina, which was excellent. | ||
| If you haven't seen Ex Machina, it's a movie about artificial intelligence, and it is brilliant. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| It is a perfect movie. | ||
| I wouldn't change a thing about that movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That movie was so good. | ||
| The ending wasn't boring and long? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That movie was amazing. | ||
| That movie was like, whoa. | ||
| Because the reality of these things, of this artificial intelligence this guy had created, was fucking feasible. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was good. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| The drama's good. | ||
| The whole thing is good. | ||
| It's just so good. | ||
| And then after that, I went to see The Avengers. | ||
| I was like, this is so stupid. | ||
| I'm like, this movie's so dumb. | ||
| It's just like I'm watching the Dukes of Hazzard take place with superheroes. | ||
| It's just like it didn't mean anything. | ||
| Like, Ex Machina, everything meant something. | ||
| Like, these people, their interactions, their interactions felt real... | ||
| There's some real palpable tension. | ||
| There's like real danger. | ||
| They're being played by these artificial creatures that they've created that look exactly like people. | ||
| It's good, man. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| That's why Star Wars to me was like, whatever. | ||
| I love Star Wars. | ||
| It was just like a B-minus fun movie. | ||
| A-plus. | ||
| A-plus. | ||
| There's no real characters. | ||
| Five stars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| I'll go ten times. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I did love it, man. | ||
| I have, I think, almost the exact opposite taste in movies as you. | ||
| And a lot of music, too. | ||
| You like a sucky, sucky selection of music. | ||
| You like a lot of the chick rock that I like. | ||
| You're just quiet about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't tell anybody that I'm blessing Nelly Furtado. | |
| Bro, bro. | ||
| I like a little Nelly. | ||
| She's got a beautiful voice. | ||
| When I mentioned Lana Duret and you were like, who was that girl you were talking about before? | ||
| Dude, I picked up Eddie Bravo once and this girl that he was dating way back in the day and I had Sheryl Crow playing in my truck and she's like, why are you playing this? | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I'm like, this is mine. | ||
| This is mine. | ||
| She goes, no, it's not. | ||
| I go, yeah, it's a CD. I got the CD. She's like, no, you do not listen to this music. | ||
| I'm like, but I do. | ||
| So I don't know where we're going with this. | ||
| Never spoke to her again. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Eddie Bravo, bringing these barbarians around. | ||
| Yeah, you can't like chick rock, otherwise you're some kind of a pussy. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I used to have my CDs alphabetized, and I would have them separated by chick singers and male singers. | ||
| Have you ever heard of Grace Potter and the Nocturnals? | ||
| Heard of them, haven't listened to it. | ||
| Dude, that girl's got a voice. | ||
| Well, you know about Alabama Shakes, right? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Joe. | |
| Well, let's kiss one person's ass at a time. | ||
| They're so much bigger, but yeah, it's Grace Potter. | ||
| Yeah, they're pretty massive now. | ||
| I think she's pretty big, too. | ||
| We don't know, dude. | ||
| We're out of the loop. | ||
| I know Alabama shakes you've heard of. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't know shit, bitch. | |
| You don't even have a phone. | ||
| You got some fucking 1980 Morris Code thing in your pocket. | ||
| It doesn't even vibrate when I get a text now. | ||
| Of course it doesn't. | ||
| If it's in my pocket, I don't even know if people text me. | ||
| And then five hours later, he's like, where are you? | ||
| I need this information. | ||
| I was like, I don't know. | ||
| I was walking. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got to only vibrate when it rings and that's it. | ||
| It's the only notification. | ||
| I went to a clusterfuck when my phone upgraded and went from text messaging to sending iMessages. | ||
| And then I turned the iMessage off, but then people were still sending me iMessages. | ||
| And you couldn't get them. | ||
| And I was getting them on my computer, but I wasn't getting them on my phone. | ||
| I'm like, this is so stupid! | ||
| Like, this system is so goofy! | ||
| Like, how do you opt out of this? | ||
| How do you just... | ||
| I want everything in one place. | ||
| I don't need it going everywhere. | ||
| I don't need to be getting phone calls on my fucking computer. | ||
| When I put my phone over there, I want to be able to get, like, the voicemails later. | ||
| I don't want to see it on my computer when I'm working. | ||
| So what do I have to do? | ||
| Now I have to disable this, and I go, why is this set there by default? | ||
| Why is my phone making my computer ring by default? | ||
| Can I get some shit done? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Goddammit, Ari Shaffir. | ||
| Yeah, it's always infringing. | ||
| It's always infringing on your day. | ||
| Get into the Borg. | ||
| Check Twitter. | ||
| It's been four minutes. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| What if there's a new response? | ||
| The Borg calls you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari, your resistance is futile. | |
| Independence. | ||
| Here's my real thing. | ||
| I think it's going to get better, but I don't think we've developed an etiquette around phones yet. | ||
| You say that until you have four legs. | ||
| Every girl wants to blow you. | ||
| Once you get that four-leg upgrade, girls don't even know why. | ||
| Something about them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As soon as you get four legs, life looks up. | |
| It did get way easier. | ||
| What's the matter, James? | ||
| I was going to say, what about the Twitter news of the weekend where they might be changing some free speech stuff? | ||
| They pulled away verification from... | ||
| Well, they pulled away Milo Yiannopoulos. | ||
| They pulled his verification away. | ||
| Why? | ||
| They said that... | ||
| Well, they don't say exactly. | ||
| They don't say why. | ||
| Violation of terms of service. | ||
| So now he's no longer verified? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But he's still allowed to post. | ||
| But some posts are saying if it's offensive, they'll delete your account, right? | ||
| Well, he's not being any more... | ||
| Look, here's a problem with that guy. | ||
| And it's not a bad problem. | ||
| He's funny. | ||
| And a lot of what he's doing is theater. | ||
| Like, and if he gets you riled up, especially if he has a point, and I think he has a point with a lot of things he's picking on, he's not dumb. | ||
| He's very smart. | ||
| And so, he's getting people riled up, Like a professional troll, who's also a very bright guy who writes some pretty good articles. | ||
| I would say really good articles. | ||
| What is his deal? | ||
| Is he a comedian? | ||
| He writes for Breitbart. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's a conservative writer. | ||
| He's a conservative, I guess, blogger, I guess you would call him. | ||
| You wouldn't say he's a journalist. | ||
| He's more of a, you know, he writes editorials. | ||
| He writes just pieces, right? | ||
| But he's also gay. | ||
| Like, gay as fuck. | ||
| And conservative. | ||
| And he goes and debates with these feminists and just crushes them with facts. | ||
| And they can't attack him because he's gay. | ||
| So he has the touchdown card? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| The immunity? | ||
| He's got this weird loophole and he knows what the fuck he's talking about. | ||
| I mean, I don't agree with him on some things, but he's a very bright guy. | ||
| So when he finds someone that he can pick on, especially like he's really into picking on feminists and calling them out on their hypocrisy and picking on people that... | ||
| He'll go across the board with anybody if he thinks you're being ridiculous. | ||
| And he makes a big deal out of it. | ||
| So then what? | ||
| People got mad at what he was saying? | ||
| He'll say things to rile people up. | ||
| He'll say offensive things. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| Block them. | ||
| I think it's enjoyable. | ||
| I think it's funny. | ||
| Twitter becomes weird where it's like you have a bunch of followers who follow you. | ||
| You say something funny on the offensive side instead of on the cute side. | ||
| You'll get retweets, if it's on the cute side or offensive side. | ||
| So now the retweets go to people who don't follow you. | ||
| And they might not even know who you are. | ||
| So then they go like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| You know? | ||
| And they don't see any context. | ||
| They don't see it's one out of ten tweets in a row about a subject. | ||
| So then they see, and then they get mad, and they flag it. | ||
| And then the people don't know. | ||
| They're like, I don't know, it's been flagged 7,000 times. | ||
| I guess people are mad at this guy. | ||
| We've got to ban him. | ||
| It's just a terrible road to go down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, if you're doing a series of... | ||
| Yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You show one, and it's like, oh, you're not even looking at the context! | |
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, that can definitely happen. | ||
| So they took away his verify? | ||
| I actively try to not be verified. | ||
| But here's what I'm saying. | ||
| They fucked up, because now you've made him a martyr. | ||
| You're playing right into his spiderweb. | ||
| Why is Twitter getting involved? | ||
| Any level of celebrity, which he seems like he is, if he's a known writer, then... | ||
| He's a known writer. | ||
| He's been on my podcast. | ||
| That's who they want to verify. | ||
| He was great on the podcast. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's hilarious. | ||
| He's a nut. | ||
| You know, like I said, I don't agree with him about a lot of things, but I like what he's doing. | ||
| It makes me laugh. | ||
| What is the difference between what he's doing and what a lot of funny, humorous journalists have done? | ||
| Well, what about feminists who say something in earnest that I think is offensively wrong anti-free speech? | ||
| And it gets me angry. | ||
| I don't try to get them banned from it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't mind. | ||
| But I don't mind because it hasn't affected me. | ||
| I mind. | ||
| I just don't want to stop them from saying it. | ||
| I mean, it hasn't affected me on a professional level. | ||
| Right, no. | ||
| And if it has, it's my fault. | ||
| You know, anything that I've ever been affected by, like if I've made a mistake, it's clearly been my fault. | ||
| I've made definitely some errors. | ||
| But I think there's a difference between, like, I think... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell yourself to make those decisions, not for them to make them for you. | |
| Getting back to that guy in Vancouver that had to pay 15 grand, what bothers me about Any interaction between two people, that one person said something rude or who knows what exactly went down, that money starts being a thing that's thrown around. | ||
| Because then the government gets their piece too, by the way. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| So they're on the side of like, sure, you should be able to sue. | ||
| They also get their piece because of their trial. | ||
| Oh yeah, court costs. | ||
| Court costs. | ||
| Everything has to get factored in. | ||
| I don't know exactly how it works in Canada, but if it was in the United States... | ||
| Mike Ward is in serious... | ||
| He's out a lot of money in his own lawyer fees. | ||
| Because he's fighting it. | ||
| He has cash. | ||
| He's like a well-known French-Canadian comic. | ||
| So he has this whole French-Canadian tour he can do. | ||
| And which one was he? | ||
| Mike Ward is the one with... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You were talking about it earlier. | ||
| With that kid who had some disease. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That's right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And he made a joke about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| And it was a bit he had. | ||
| But he's got to pay all his legal fees and try to win this. | ||
| And he could pay the 80 grand that they're suing him for. | ||
| But he's like, then it sets such a terrible precedent. | ||
| So he's just in his own battle on free speech. | ||
| Saying, I don't want to lose this for what it means. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| People are like, fuck him. | ||
| Shouldn't have said that joke. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| Of course he should have. | ||
| He got laughs. | ||
| A bunch of laughs. | ||
| He said it enough times where there's a winning bit in his act. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can't decide that. | ||
| You can't take... | ||
| Well, obviously they can. | ||
| But you shouldn't be able to take money away from people like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you might want to say you don't want to ever go to one of his shows again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there you go. | |
| That's what you do. | ||
| Let the market decide. | ||
| I'm not going to Chick-fil-A. The guy supports, you know, anti-gay stuff. | ||
| Okay, there you go. | ||
| That's how you speak, with your own dollar. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Let the market decide. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I think that's the appropriate way to handle it. | ||
| I see fucking directors. | ||
| That guy... | ||
| Who did Pan's Labyrinth? | ||
| Guillermo del Toro. | ||
| Yeah, he's garbage now. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| What have you done with our fear? | ||
| He used to be cool, but now it's fucking awful, and he's gone sour. | ||
| So then it's like, I just won't watch him anymore. | ||
| But of course, go make whatever you want to make. | ||
| Well, I wouldn't say he went sour. | ||
| I still like his stuff. | ||
| You liked The Hobbit that he wrote? | ||
| Did you like that last movie? | ||
| You didn't like it? | ||
| That last movie? | ||
| You didn't like it? | ||
| It looked like it was an acting class thing. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| It was just like there was no acting. | ||
| How high were you? | ||
| The cabin thing. | ||
| Who was higher? | ||
| You think you were the main one to see it? | ||
| I mean, I was probably pretty high. | ||
| But, God, it was such terrible acting and no plot and just like, wait, wait, wait, I'll show you some special effects in a little. | ||
| Did you yell out? | ||
| No, but I did leave. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| I left quietly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Me and the girl I was with, eventually, we were like, it was like we both realized we were both wanting to leave for about 25 minutes. | ||
| And then it was like, yeah, let's just go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe we just want to get your freak on. | |
| You like that movie? | ||
| That new movie you made? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Loved it! | |
| Did you really? | ||
| Dude, you have... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't... | |
| I'm not even going to bring up the American side because I'm afraid of what you're going to say. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Let's bring that up. | ||
| Let's bring that up. | ||
| Because I saw it. | ||
| So tell me you didn't like it. | ||
| It wasn't a good movie. | ||
| It wasn't a good movie! | ||
| It wasn't a good movie. | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| No character development. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I never got to like him, so now he's having trouble sniping, suddenly it's good again? | ||
| Why is this scene in there? | ||
| The subject matter is highly charged and very, very sensitive to people. | ||
| So, anything that's thought of in disrespect of Chris Kyle, people automatically get up in arms for. | ||
| I completely understand. | ||
| They start talking about his book, and I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| I didn't read any of that. | ||
| I saw this fucking awful movie. | ||
| Yeah, I completely understand people's position in respecting him as a guy who kept people safe over there. | ||
| I understand where they're coming from. | ||
| Okay, but why is he on the phone with his wife in half the movie when he's in battle? | ||
| He's very angry. | ||
| What I was going to say is it's just not well done. | ||
| No, it's not well done. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's just not that well done. | ||
| I mean, this is my opinion. | ||
| I just felt like it was flat. | ||
| And this is like, here's a good comparison. | ||
| I hate to beat a dead horse, but... | ||
| Ex Machina. | ||
| Watch Ex Machina and watch that movie, and there's a way that it's shot. | ||
| There's a way the story's told. | ||
| That story is a very compelling story. | ||
| It's kind of a crazy story. | ||
| Black Hawk Down was a good movie. | ||
| That was like, wow, gripping and fucking exciting. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| And the Chris Kyle story, you know, would have been fucking really fascinating. | ||
| Steven Private Ryan was great. | ||
| How about tell the truth about Chris Kyle's life? | ||
| Towards the end, where he was involved in that Jesse Ventura thing, which is really kind of crazy, where he's making up a story about a fight with Jesse Ventura that never happened. | ||
| So Jesse Ventura sued him and won, and then after he won, Chris Kyle got killed, and Jesse Ventura got all these death threats because he wanted to continue with the case. | ||
| He sued a hero. | ||
| He wasn't that much of a hero before he died. | ||
| He was just some guy who was lying about me. | ||
| Well, I think you can be both. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, sure. | ||
| This is where things get really confusing. | ||
| Michael Jackson raped boys. | ||
| I don't think he did. | ||
| I think he just jerked off in front of him and shit. | ||
| Stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, maybe Ray. | ||
| If he was raping him, I just feel like that would have got out. | ||
| Yeah, maybe Ray. | ||
| I think he was just doing shit that you shouldn't be able to. | ||
| No, I bet it was weird color parties and maybe stroking them, but not the orgasm. | ||
| Definitely some inappropriate boners. | ||
| If he could get one, he got one. | ||
| I mean, during that time period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not my fault. | |
| I'm turned on. | ||
| I mean, he's got to find time to jerk off unless he's only jerking off in the shower. | ||
| It's not like I'm touching it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all what happens. | |
| They're over the house all the time, and they're sitting in his lap, and, you know, there's blood there, sensitive tissue. | ||
| Look how they're playing video games with their asses in the air. | ||
| It's not his fault. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not my fault. | |
| I didn't tell him to sit like that. | ||
| I mean, it's just love. | ||
| It's Super Mario Kart. | ||
| Everyone's so sensitive. | ||
| It's just love. | ||
| God. | ||
| The world could just be beautiful again. | ||
| Super Mario Kart, but listen to Beat It. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Oh, yeah, good times. | ||
| I'm going in the room with Macaulay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Anyway, what happened? | ||
| I don't know how we got on that. | ||
| How did we get on that? | ||
| I just went with it. | ||
| We were talking about somebody else before that. | ||
| You can be two things at once. | ||
| Yeah, you can be two things at once. | ||
| It doesn't mean he wasn't a hero. | ||
| You can be an artist and a douche. | ||
| To those people that he saved. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, think about what he did, all right? | ||
| He was a great sniper. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| He saved American citizens that were over there fighting in the war against other people that were fighting against American citizens. | ||
| The way they had- Hold on a second. | ||
| Draw your conclusion about who's right or who's wrong. | ||
| Get that out of your head. | ||
| And he was trying to protect his friends, right? | ||
| So whether or not you think that he should be on this team or that team or this team's bad and that team's good, put all that aside. | ||
| He kept a bunch of people alive. | ||
| Those people came back. | ||
| Whether or not you think they should come back, whether or not you think they should ever have been there in the first place, he definitely helped. | ||
| But if this movie is about a French sniper or about a sniper in a world that doesn't exist, you wouldn't like the movie. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a good movie. | ||
| The longest shot he ever took was like 2,000 yards. | ||
| I don't remember the numbers anymore. | ||
| And then he heard so-and-so, Mustafa, was getting shots that long. | ||
| He's like, it's possible I've shot that, but that's the longest I've ever shot. | ||
| And then when he shoots him at the end, it's twice as far as the longest shot he's ever heard of. | ||
| He can't even see the guy. | ||
| You just see a blur, and he goes, I know it's him. | ||
| It must be. | ||
| I have a feeling. | ||
| And then he goes, yep, got him. | ||
| You can't even see him! | ||
| How do you know you made the twice as long as any shot that's ever been recorded without being able to see it? | ||
| You just know you made it? | ||
| Yeah, you need a spotting scope for 200 yards. | ||
| You know, people look at a target that's 200 yards away. | ||
| It was garbage. | ||
| You look at a spotting scope to see where you're hitting on the target. | ||
| Because it's not that good to see how the scope... | ||
| A rifle fucking scope from 200 yards, which is nothing. | ||
| It's only two football fields. | ||
| It was just bad. | ||
| Here's the question, though. | ||
| What? | ||
| Is it also a factor of you're telling a real person's story with as little variation from the truth as possible over an acceptable period of time, a two-hour movie or whatever it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking hard to do. | ||
| Sure, but they didn't do a good job of it. | ||
| They did a terrible job of it. | ||
| But it would have been incredibly difficult to do, even if they did a great job of it. | ||
| Okay, and let's just back up a second. | ||
| Best actor? | ||
| Yeah, that's not real. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| He looked like you could tell when he was doing lines. | ||
| He had a rubber baby, and I knew the baby was rubber. | ||
| Yeah, forget the rubber baby, obviously. | ||
| But he's moving the rubber baby with his finger. | ||
| With his thumb. | ||
| You can go fuck yourself. | ||
| Okay, I'm not a kid. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| A magic trick that I can see? | ||
| Hey, watch. | ||
| I'm going to stick this thing to my hand. | ||
| You're shoving it into your wrist at the same time. | ||
| Look, my thumb's coming apart. | ||
| It's bulging in your shirt. | ||
| With the fucking hanky still sticking out a little bit. | ||
| God. | ||
| I mean, even the beginning when he finds his girlfriend in the bed with another guy and throws her out and they're having that talk and he's drinking a beer. | ||
| It's like, dude, this is acting. | ||
| You're not even a real person. | ||
| This is acting class. | ||
| I can see you doing lines. | ||
| He's not a real person. | ||
| He's behaving in this incredible, exemplary way like a hero. | ||
| He's impressive. | ||
| He's a beautiful hero. | ||
| He's a perfect hero, and we can't believe he's gone. | ||
| I mean, that's what he is. | ||
| He's a hero. | ||
| He's not a real guy drunk having a fight with his girl. | ||
| And he stands up, and they're like, you just tell the directors in the background, feel it more. | ||
| Feel it more. | ||
| Let this hit you. | ||
| You love America. | ||
| This is happening to you. | ||
| Feel it more. | ||
| Well, it's the problem whenever you try to dramatize anything. | ||
| You know that movie, Foxcatcher, is a clusterfuck of lies. | ||
| Do you know that movie that's based on Mark Schultz and David Schultz? | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Olympic wrestlers? | ||
| They were very famous American Olympic champion wrestlers. | ||
| They were both beasts. | ||
| And there's this crazy guy named John DuPont and John DuPont had a lot of money It's like the DuPont name and he was a crazy man and he wanted to wrestle So he hired all these guys and built this incredible world-class training facility and paid them and these guys were struggling wrestlers They went down there and one of the guys Dave wound up getting murdered by DuPont and it was this crazy story and Steve Carell played him in the movie But the movie although it was a good movie The reality was way off. | ||
| They changed the timeline of the UFC. They had the UFC existing way before it did. | ||
| I'm less concerned with that than if it's a movie. | ||
| Unless they say it's an actual biography. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I'm less concerned with that than if, like in Narcos, I'm like, yeah, some of this is based on truth, some of this is just like, they didn't know the relationship between this guy and this girl. | ||
| Yeah, but they didn't have to fake the, that's like historic data. | ||
| Why did they fake it? | ||
| Because they're idiots. | ||
| What benefit to this plot? | ||
| Somebody thinks they're smarter than everyone who's going to know the truth, which is the dumbest thing to think. | ||
| You should never think, if you're going to talk about a subject like the UFC, which to a person like you, I know you're a fan, and definitely People know when it starts. | ||
| It's offensive as fuck when you try to pretend it started at a different date. | ||
| Then, when you watch him watch on television, watch Big Daddy Goodrich fight, but then when he fights in the movie, he fights some white Russian guy. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| He fought Big Daddy Goodrich. | ||
| Mark Schultz fought Big Daddy Goodrich. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| He beat his ass. | ||
| He took him down at will. | ||
| And I remember watching it going, Jesus Christ, this is what happens when you get elite Olympic gold medalist, world champion wrestlers. | ||
| I was thinking to myself, who the fuck is going to keep that guy off of him? | ||
| That guy could have been a world champion, for sure. | ||
| Nobody would have been able to stop it. | ||
| But he predated the UFC? No, he was in the UFC. He fought Big Daddy Goodrich in the UFC. But there was no money back then. | ||
| And he had a gig with, he was teaching wrestling at a college. | ||
| Not paid more? | ||
| Well, it was a coach. | ||
| He's a wrestling coach. | ||
| Like a university gig. | ||
| I mean, he's a really respected wrestler. | ||
| And they didn't want him cage fighting. | ||
| So they told him, like, this is it. | ||
| Like, you have to make a decision. | ||
| So he had to go with the obvious job. | ||
| Because there was no money in the UFC back then. | ||
| It was fucking really dangerous, but... | ||
| They changed it to the movie. | ||
| In the movie, they had him fighting in some unknown organization. | ||
| It wasn't the UFC. And the guy was a white Russian guy who was fighting. | ||
| Why would you change that? | ||
| Let me ask you a question. | ||
| Could this be the reason they changed it? | ||
| Because what the UFC means right now is this massive thing. | ||
| So they go, well, viewers, if they saw this, they'd be like, yeah, UFC, that's really big. | ||
| How could you give up UFC? Where you're like, no, no, you need to be in the place back then of this was just a rogue thing. | ||
| People just did it to mix. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| Like when they have cursing in Deadwood, it's like, yeah, they didn't have that then, but you're not going to understand the cursing they actually had. | ||
| Did they have cursing back then? | ||
| They had like Rapscallion and shit. | ||
| And so it wouldn't hit as hard as it hit back then. | ||
| You Rapscallion! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they had to change the reality to make it the feeling of the reality. | ||
| Could you imagine if you were doing a comedy show in the Wild West and someone tried to heckle you? | ||
| What kind of fucking damage you could do to that guy? | ||
| What kind of damage you could do to him? | ||
| Oh, with the cursing I have now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Rex Scallion. | ||
| You're a cunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucking bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You're angry. | ||
| Get out of here, fuckboy. | ||
| You're angry, and it's not even a real person we're talking about. | ||
| I'm thinking about it. | ||
| God, you're all worked up, man. | ||
| Fucking peashooter motherfucker. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Beat it! | ||
| Rusty stirrup cunt. | ||
| And then he brings you in front of the tribunal and you have to give up three pieces of gold. | ||
| Chicken. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| Three pieces of gold. | ||
| Gold, Shafir! | ||
| What is gonna happen, man? | ||
| Are we gonna go Bitcoin, you think? | ||
| I gotta get Antonopoulos back on. | ||
| It's been a while. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He'll probably tell me again. | ||
| I'll believe him again. | ||
| By the time I come back here in two years... | ||
| I don't know how to spend Bitcoin. | ||
| How to spin it? | ||
| Spend it. | ||
| Spend it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| That's a problem if you don't know how to spend your money. | ||
| You should probably look into it. | ||
| But if you don't have this ancient fucking phone, you have to be plugged into your laptop with some sort of Ethernet cable, don't you? | ||
| You got some 1970s laptop, too, don't you, you fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| I have a MacBook Pro! | ||
| That doesn't even have a USB port, does it? | ||
| Which one doesn't have a USB port? | ||
| No, they do. | ||
| Dude, they have one that doesn't. | ||
| They don't have CD drives anymore. | ||
| No, one of them doesn't even have a USB port. | ||
| There's a real skinny one. | ||
| Oh, the Air. | ||
| No, it's not even the Air. | ||
| It's not the Air. | ||
| Google that shit, son. | ||
| iPads don't have them, I know that. | ||
| Yeah, iPads don't have them. | ||
| USB ports? | ||
| Which one's the USB port? | ||
| USB is where you would plug things in. | ||
| You know, like if you were trying to sync your phone up to it or something. | ||
| You'd plug your phone in by USB. Or if you want to save something on a drive. | ||
| Oh, they didn't have the USB port? | ||
| How do you charge your shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't even have the USB port. | |
| No, it has a little battery thing. | ||
| No, I don't have to charge your phone. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| Don't with your fucking laptop. | ||
| Maybe it can't handle it. | ||
| Maybe it can't handle the power draw because it's so thin. | ||
| Like it only exists like as something that you can store things in the cloud. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is where they're trying to sneak you. | ||
| They're trying to bring you. | ||
| Bless you. | ||
| Do you still accept bless you even though you're not religious anymore? | ||
| Or did I just defend your sensibility? | ||
| Did I trigger you in any way? | ||
| You hurt me. | ||
| You hurt me and I don't... | ||
| It's not inclusive. | ||
| What's your correct gender pronouns for today? | ||
| I am a... | ||
| He today? | ||
| I'm going by He. | ||
| I go by He every day. | ||
| I'm going to try Z out for a while. | ||
| Z? Z. Z-H-E-E. What is that? | ||
| Is that a new one? | ||
| Gender neutral. | ||
| Oh, it's kind of like she-he? | ||
| You can be whoever you want. | ||
| Z-H-E-E. I'm just Ari. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Why does it have to be my gender? | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| Why do you have to say mister? | ||
| What are we, formal? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Am I fucking checking into a hotel? | ||
| I love that misappropriation of words they're using. | ||
| It's like, no one has to say that. | ||
| That's just what they've been saying. | ||
| I think they, uh, you need to be able to control what people say. | ||
| I love when people, like, shit on some sort of stand-up and they go, oh, what is that all you can talk about? | ||
| It's like, that's not all they can talk about. | ||
| That's one little sentence in this whole bit that's part of a whole special. | ||
| It's clearly not all they can talk about. | ||
| Yeah, but if I'm going to make fun of it, that's what I'm going to say. | ||
| This is all you can talk about, bro. | ||
| You, like, dragged me to hell, too, huh? | ||
| Loved it. | ||
| Me and Red Band went to see Up, and we were so happy, and Rogan and Segura were like, you fucked up, should have seen Drag Me to Hell, and I finally saw it. | ||
| I'm like, this movie couldn't even make up its mind, whether it's a comedy or horror. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| You weren't high enough, and you didn't go see it with me. | ||
| Come to see it. | ||
| You, me, and Duncan would see Drag Me to Hell. | ||
| We would love it. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| We would have the best time. | ||
| Did you ever see Up? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Cartoon? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I liked Up. | ||
| Up was good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| It was interesting, but it was sad. | ||
| It was sad. | ||
| Those first ten minutes were beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| You saw what won Best Comedy last night, the Golden Globes? | ||
| No. | ||
| The Martian. | ||
| Oh yeah, how did that work? | ||
| The Martian won Best Comedy? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| How does The Martian win Best Comedy? | ||
| It's a comedy or musical category and I don't know how it gets... | ||
| Why are they still in comedy or musical? | ||
| That's so offensive to both comedy and musical. | ||
| That's not a comedy and it's not a musical. | ||
| Listen, award shows are stupid. | ||
| Just call it Other. | ||
| They're stupid. | ||
| Wait, how did The Martian win Best Comedy? | ||
| They're stupid. | ||
| Oh, because he kept it light-hearted sometimes? | ||
| Why is one the best? | ||
| We've already established, right here, between you and I, the shit I love, that you hate. | ||
| But I genuinely love Star Wars. | ||
| I walked out of there going, yes, they fucking did it. | ||
| I walked out of there like they nailed it. | ||
| They upgraded the original movie and made it fit in today and they did it with great acting and a great storyline. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| It was very Star Wars-esque. | ||
| You fucking hated it. | ||
| I didn't hate it, but I thought it was like a B. Okay, let's pick. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It was a fun movie. | ||
| Tell me some other movies that you've seen recently. | ||
| So Star Wars. | ||
| Let's compare. | ||
| Hateful Eight. | ||
| No way you saw that. | ||
| I haven't seen that. | ||
| I would see that, though. | ||
| Mad Max. | ||
| How dare you say that? | ||
| Mad Max. | ||
| I enjoyed Mad Max. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I thought it was really good. | ||
| Fun chase movie. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You know, Eddie Bravo fucking hated it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He hated it. | ||
| Eddie Bravo hated it. | ||
| There was none of those points where I'm like, this wouldn't exist in that world they set up. | ||
| I'm like, that wouldn't happen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In Star Wars, the world they set up, it's like... | ||
| Why does she suddenly have Jedi powers with no training? | ||
| Well, because there's a thing called editing. | ||
| There's probably a bunch of scenes that were on the cutting room floor that explain her powers. | ||
| Spoiler alert at this point in Star Wars. | ||
| Everyone's seen it. | ||
| You should really say spoiler alert first. | ||
| You really fucked up. | ||
| But we're already open. | ||
| She just got it a little too fast. | ||
| And then it's like, well, no, she was the chosen one. | ||
| Oh, like Luke Skywalker? | ||
| Who had to study for a month with a fucking Yoda to get any of his powers? | ||
| Well, chicks learn quicker. | ||
| And they have. | ||
| No, chicks don't learn quicker in their world. | ||
| And they have that if you don't get it as a kid, you're never going to get it. | ||
| Well, there's a thing called morphic resonance. | ||
| And they think that as people learn things, it becomes easier for other people to learn things. | ||
| We all learn together. | ||
| But she beat up a stormtrooper with it. | ||
| She beat up someone who's been studying with the head guy. | ||
| She had a guy who's been studying under the main Gracie. | ||
| And she was like, I just sort of get jujitsu. | ||
| And I think I can beat this guy who's been studying under the main Gracie. | ||
| BJ Penn won the world championships three years in. | ||
| Weird shit happens, man. | ||
| He was training, though. | ||
| He wasn't just like, I heard of jits. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You don't realize that she was using the force, but she was probably using it all along. | ||
| It was a fun movie. | ||
| You saw First Week, right? | ||
| What's First Week? | ||
| The first week or two was out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| See, at that point, it was the same as the other movie when it came out, episode one, where everyone's like, me too. | ||
| We're like, fuck yes. | ||
| This is way better than those, but it was not as good as people were remembering. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Were you in a theater where they clapped when they saw the Millennium Falcon? | ||
| I clapped. | ||
| Yeah, all right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I almost cried. | |
| That was a brainwash week. | ||
| I almost cried. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Oh, I hope they do the other thing that they've already done in episode four. | ||
| When Han Solo showed up, my heart filled with joy. | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| I like that a lot. | ||
| That was great with Chewie and, like, we're home. | ||
| Like, fuck yes. | ||
| I like that a lot. | ||
| They fucked up in that regard, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| No, there's no spoiler alerts anymore. | ||
| Shh, then you say it. | ||
| They had their chance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not saying it. | |
| It's been a month. | ||
| It's been a month. | ||
| Don't say it. | ||
| What if people, like, fast-forwarded and they get to the part where we say Han Solo got killed? | ||
| Dude, there is a guy that I saw a picture of, and somebody's... | ||
| You know those things you can put in the back of your truck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the Smith family? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Han Solo dies in The Force Awakens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| How rude. | ||
| In the Star Wars font. | ||
| That's so rude. | ||
| That's really rude. | ||
| Just driving around. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| It's big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spoiler alert. | |
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| Fucking awesome movie, though. | ||
| I'm done with these spoiler alerts. | ||
| You have a chance right then to get on it, or you're done. | ||
| I already knew. | ||
| I already knew going in to see the movie. | ||
| It had already been spoiled. | ||
| It had already been spoiled for me, but I still enjoyed the fuck out of it. | ||
| You knew he was going out there to die. | ||
| I knew he was going to die anyway. | ||
| When he walked out on the platforms, like, what are you doing? | ||
| Obviously, you're going to... | ||
| Shoot him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, why don't you shoot your stupid fucking son? | ||
| Late-term abortion son, ready to come up. | ||
| Worst case scenario, you're one of the coolest guys of all time, loved by millions, and your son just turned out to be evil, went to the dark side. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| Oh, by the way, you had a son with Princess Leia. | ||
| So you get to fuck Princess Leia. | ||
| You know what you think? | ||
| A match made in heaven. | ||
| He's a Moon Knight. | ||
| Super heroic swashbuckler with a giant Bigfoot by his side, and the hot... | ||
| Princess, and they get together and fuck, and they make an evil baby that winds up killing daddy. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| That is bullshit. | ||
| How much did it make you laugh when that guy finally took off his Adam Driver, finally took off his helmet, and you're like, what? | ||
| There's a beautiful Semitic man behind that mask? | ||
| He looked like an awesome magician. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| There was giggling. | ||
| Where it's like, what? | ||
| I like how you describe him as a Semitic man. | ||
| He's gorgeous, and there's no way those are his parents. | ||
| He's a gorgeous Jew. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Ari's hot for that guy. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Kylo Ren? | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| Kylo Ren. | ||
| That was dumb. | ||
| Jamie, back me up on that. | ||
| That was ridiculous. | ||
| When he pulls off his helmet, you're like, ooh, who's this evil guy? | ||
| Jamie, back you up? | ||
| I'm right here, bro. | ||
| I'm not leaving you alone. | ||
| You didn't think that was dumb? | ||
| Oh, it was ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's perfect hair. | ||
| How does your hair stay perfect under that? | ||
| Why isn't it sweaty? | ||
| There'd be no hat hair? | ||
| Why don't you have hat hair? | ||
| It's a full helmet. | ||
| You have a beautiful head of hair as soon as you pull it off. | ||
| It's like you just got out of a blowout. | ||
| You get his hair all blown out. | ||
| Like he's on a set. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It pulls this sweaty fucking metal helmet off. | ||
| Do you know how much you'd be sweating in that stupid thing where you're all killing people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's killing people. | ||
| He's running around. | ||
| He's grabbing them and crushing them. | ||
| He's hacking things up with his fucking sword. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did like that. | ||
| Beautiful hair. | ||
| Jesus Christ, man. | ||
| It's beautiful, man. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Princess Leia and fucking... | ||
| If that guy acts like... | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| Who's the actor? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Harrison Ford did not give birth to that. | ||
| Listen, if that guy acts like a dick to girls and just bangs them and never calls them back, it's not his fault. | ||
| No, it's not his fault. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's got powers. | ||
| He's got superpowers. | ||
| The force is strong with him. | ||
| Like, for real. | ||
| Like, the force to bang chicks. | ||
| It's very strong. | ||
| He might abuse it. | ||
| He could get away from him. | ||
| Driver, can you make your lips more pouty before we do this take? | ||
| Yeah, he's beautiful. | ||
| It's a ridiculous movie. | ||
| But I loved it! | ||
| I do like the theories of, like, there'd be stormtroopers who'd be like, wait, I'm not feeling this. | ||
| I like the way they handle it. | ||
| It's like, we keep checks on them all the time. | ||
| This one, I don't know how this one got through. | ||
| Isn't it interesting that the first stormtrooper we see without a helmet's a black guy? | ||
| Quitter, you're saying. | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| The first stormtrooper? | ||
| No, the first, well, the first quitter. | ||
| But, like, they didn't concentrate on stormtroopers. | ||
| Did we see any other stormtroopers without helmets? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But nobody paid attention to them. | ||
| The first one they paid attention to is a black guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Diversity. | |
| Diversity. | ||
| I don't have a problem with diversity there. | ||
| Look, that is a case. | ||
| I think Star Wars is a case where you can make the argument that even though they might have gone towards diversity, they nailed it. | ||
| The woman's a perfect fucking superhero, and the man who's a stormtrooper is a great actor too. | ||
| There was no part of me that was like, this doesn't seem like the right race, or this doesn't seem like the right gender. | ||
| Both of them seem totally fine. | ||
| Just actors. | ||
| Honestly hoping that the fighter pilot and the stormtrooper had a gay affair because it seemed like they were they were really close. | ||
| Like the way they hugged. | ||
| Yeah, the way they hugged. | ||
| They had like a deep embrace. | ||
| Oh, how you been man? | ||
| It's a deep embrace. | ||
| They were so happy to see each other. | ||
| So happy. | ||
| It was a lot like when that movie, what is the cowboy movie when they go gay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brokeback Mountain. | ||
| It's almost like when those two hadn't seen each other for a while. | ||
| And they just got together and they just dove into each other's arms and went after it. | ||
| Passionate. | ||
| Yeah, I mean they lived through life and death out there with laser beams and shit, people shooting at them, they survived, they crash-landed together. | ||
| There's a bond with people. | ||
| They say that when people form relationships after traumatic events, like if you met someone during 9-11, And like you grabbed her, come with me! | ||
| And you grabbed her hand and you ran and you guys both barely got out of the building and the building collapsed and you got in a car and got away together and then she's crying and she stays in your apartment and you end up falling in love. | ||
| Your fucking relationship will be super intense because it's always going to be connected to this one really powerful event. | ||
| Christy Brinkley apparently had a situation like that where she was in a helicopter crash with this dude and then wound up marrying the dude and then it fucking fell apart and got crazy. | ||
| Doesn't mean you could live with him. | ||
| You just feel like, we're together, baby. | ||
| We're supposed to survive this together. | ||
| The bond that you have, because you sort of imprint on this moment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you ever go somewhere where, like, you had a really bad time and you're around that area, and even if it's ten years later, you're like, ooh. | ||
| You still feel shitty about it? | ||
| Yeah, I remember this fucking place. | ||
| Yeah, deep emotional connection with somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
| I have emotional connections with clubs where I bombed. | ||
| Like, I'll go by. | ||
| Like, if I went by some places in Boston, I'd be like, ooh, I remember eating dick up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't want to eat there. | |
| It's a restaurant now, you're like, I can't eat here. | ||
| Yeah, that's nothing. | ||
| People can develop some serious emotional connections to areas. | ||
| They had that Tom Cruise movie that was actually good that nobody saw. | ||
| Oh, was that good? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Where he kept going back in time. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| Oh, that was really good. | ||
| Really good. | ||
| I think everyone had already given up on him from the last one. | ||
| But that was good. | ||
| And they handled everything right. | ||
| Like, well, if that If that was happening, this would happen. | ||
| And you're like, oh, there it is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| But he had that girl that he kept trying to fall in love with, and he figured out, oh, if we get to this stage in yesterday, we will fall in love. | ||
| And let's just stay here and stay in love as long as possible. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I'd like. | ||
| I ain't never gonna beat these guys. | ||
| I'd like it to work out like that. | ||
| Those aliens were cool, though. | ||
| They were really original. | ||
| They were robot aliens. | ||
| Yeah, they were weird, sort of mechanical, transforming alien things. | ||
| They were awesome, because they were so creative. | ||
| I'd never seen anything that I'd go, oh, that's like this. | ||
| Yeah, they drop them like cannonballs, and as soon as they hit the ground, they're just like these squids. | ||
| Yeah, like maybe the coolest aliens in a movie ever. | ||
| And then these people are shooting at them, and it's like, oh, you guys are done. | ||
| You have no chance. | ||
| Yeah, they morphed and changed. | ||
| Maybe pull a video up so you can see what that scene was like, because it's cool to see the... | ||
| That looks like an illustration, too. | ||
| Kevin Jenkins. | ||
| That's like a Frank Frazetta looking thing. | ||
| Do you know who Frank Frazetta is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Heathen. | ||
| You know nothing. | ||
| Who is he? | ||
| Costumer? | ||
| This is an amazing artist who used to do Conan the Barbarian. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Before we go to this, pull up Frank Frazetta Conan. | ||
| Just school this... | ||
| Sad, man. | ||
| Frank Frazetta, Conan. | ||
| Where do you see this image, motherfucker? | ||
| This guy was the shit in, like, the 70s. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Go with the one right next to it, to the left of that. | ||
| That's the classic one. | ||
| Go full screen on that. | ||
| That's a classic, classic painting. | ||
| Whoa, that's a real barbarian. | ||
| Dude, that's Conan the Barbarian. | ||
| That's what got me into those books. | ||
| With a girl, a naked woman at his feet, and he's standing on top of it. | ||
| Jesus yes blood and bones and meat and he's got a hot girl doesn't give a fuck She's lying on the blood while he's got a sword and I just want to hold on to your He's covered in scars, too. | ||
| He's got scars over his face all over his arms That was what got me into Conan these images by Frank Frazetta because they created this Superman this Sumerian Barbarian. | ||
| He loves having girls at his feet. | ||
| Of course he does. | ||
| That's the only reason why to fight with a sword, son. | ||
| Why else if you're not gonna get pussy? | ||
| They understood it back then. | ||
| Let's go to this one right now. | ||
| Sexist, go a little bit to the right. | ||
| We both know the same way. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Sexism, full, alive. | ||
| He came in her 34 times. | ||
| That's why her stomach sticks out. | ||
| No, that's cum. | ||
| It's bulging. | ||
| Her vagina is so full of cum. | ||
| It's like pushing forward on her abdominal wall. | ||
| That can cause hernias. | ||
| That guy was just shooting lows in her and killing people. | ||
| Look, that was back before they even knew what six-packs were and he had a six-pack. | ||
| No one had a six-pack in the 70s. | ||
| That guy, they had perfect bodies. | ||
| They were bigger than any bodybuilder at the time. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| Pretty cool paintings. | ||
| Well, when Conan was played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody, like, that's what everybody recognizes, you know? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But the character in the Frazetta drawings was much more... | ||
| So it was a comic strip No, no, no. | ||
| It was a book, a series of books, by a guy named Robert E. Howard. | ||
| And Robert E. Howard is this really fascinating guy. | ||
| They did a movie about him, and the dude from one of those cop shows. | ||
| The guy from... | ||
| You know the dude from Full Metal Jacket? | ||
| Amazing actor from Full Metal Jacket who played the guy who shot himself. | ||
| The guy who'd get bullied. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes crazy. | |
| Yeah, he's creating everything. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| What is his fucking name? | ||
| Vincent Zanofrio. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Sorry, Vincent. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's an amazing actor. | ||
| What was I gonna say? | ||
| He's in it? | ||
| He's in it. | ||
| What the fuck were we just talking about? | ||
| Conan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Conan? | ||
| No. | ||
| He plays Robert E. Howard. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| He plays Robert E. Howard in a biography on Robert E. Howard's life in a movie. | ||
| And I didn't see the movie. | ||
| But Robert E. Howard was supposed to be this, like, really strange guy who lived with his mom. | ||
| And he shot himself, I think, when he was, like, 36. Yeah. | ||
| So he had this, like, is that it? | ||
| The whole wide world? | ||
| He had, you know, some serious mental issues for sure. | ||
| But he also... | ||
| He wasn't healthy. | ||
| And so he had imagined this Superman, this Ubermunch, who was destroying people back in this fictitious world that he created that supposedly was a long time ago, but who knows? | ||
| It was like these... | ||
| Countries that never existed and they were doing battle and there's witchcraft and demons and monsters and then there was this barbarian usurper, this king, who became a king by killing everything in his path. | ||
| He was like this indestructible man. | ||
| That's Conan the Barbarian. | ||
| And so Robert E. Howard sort of created this guy who's the antithesis of what he was. | ||
| He was this frail guy who lived with his mom, he's a pussy, and he wrote with this longing about this guy who just This lust for adventure. | ||
| Fucked everything. | ||
| Killed everything. | ||
| Killed everything. | ||
| Always survived. | ||
| He was just this uber man. | ||
| You know, like the greatest of all time. | ||
| This giant man who moved like a panther. | ||
| Who like had a mind of like a steel trap. | ||
| He would never show weakness. | ||
| You know, he always was ready to die but never did. | ||
| So, he wrote all these really badass books. | ||
| They were really wild. | ||
| Probably now, if I read them, I'd be like, what am I reading? | ||
| But when I was 11, they were the shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Did you get the sex stuff? | ||
| Sort of, I kind of get. | ||
| It wasn't like, he put his hard cock in her cunt. | ||
| It wasn't like that kind of stuff. | ||
| It was like romantic, you know? | ||
| It was more about cleaving heads and the gore, him being covered with gore and bits of sinew cover the glistening blade as he slices through the attacker's You know and then they realized like how they fucked up and tried to do battle with Conan and Everybody died everybody died by Conan, but it was just this For a 12 year old kid or whatever the fuck I was when I guess I was probably like that age when I got into it. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It was like You know cuz you're a boy like first of all, no one's gonna let you see that You're like a 12-year-old boy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't show it in movies. | ||
| They cut away from it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're on cable yet. | |
| Yeah, you don't really... | ||
| Even today, they do. | ||
| Today, if you watched a recent Barbarian movie, there was... | ||
| They would show. | ||
| Did you see Jason Momoa? | ||
| Have you seen him play Conan? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's the guy from Game of Thrones. | ||
| Oh, the real tall one? | ||
| Yeah, well, the really built, handsome guy that dies early. | ||
| That dude is a cool motherfucker. | ||
| I ran into him recently at Whole Foods. | ||
| He couldn't be cooler. | ||
| I've ran into him with the UFC before, too. | ||
| He's just a really nice, really friendly guy who you want to hate him because he's a little too beautiful. | ||
| A little too beautiful, a little too tall. | ||
| But he was my favorite all-time Conan because that's what Conan is supposed to be built like. | ||
| Did he do it on a TV show? | ||
| No, he did a movie. | ||
| It was kind of a shit movie, unfortunately. | ||
| But, um, it's cool to watch anyway. | ||
| I enjoyed it. | ||
| That's him as Conan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a good size for Conan. | ||
| Like, that would be, like, what Conan would be built like. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have a chance to win, like, every one of your hand-to-hand combat battles. | ||
| Yeah, he wouldn't be built like Arnold Schwarzenegger. | ||
| If you look at the Frazetta drawings, like, go to, like, the Frazetta one with the sword again. | ||
| The classic one. | ||
| It's a little bit over there. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Bang. | ||
| So, like... | ||
| The real Conan's like a little more built than him, but that's probably because homeboy's on the natch. | ||
| You know, Jason Momoa, that's actually what he's really built like. | ||
| Whereas Schwarzenegger was filled with 32 pounds of Mexican supplements at any given time. | ||
| You know, when he played Conan, I mean, nobody's built like that. | ||
| When he was Conan, I mean, he had the most ridiculous fucking body. | ||
| Schwarzenegger? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was, like, number one in the world in my body, right? | ||
| Well, he's slimmed down, though. | ||
| He slimmed down towards the other ones. | ||
| Like, you see, you can kind of tell the difference between that one and the other one that you just... | ||
| God, those months are huge. | ||
| He's so big! | ||
| And by the way, that's small, like, right there. | ||
| Like, that's very slim in comparison. | ||
| Like, that's a guy who's slimming down. | ||
| Like, that guy's built, like, Tyron Woodley or something like that. | ||
| That looks like the body of the drawings. | ||
| Yeah, that's perfect, actually. | ||
| That must have been in one of the later movies. | ||
| So I think he went from being the bigger bodybuilder to slowly get smaller. | ||
| It looks so weird to see him with that fucking chest and the sword and a backwards baseball cap on. | ||
| That's not a backwards baseball hat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like a little helmet on. | ||
| Go back up. | ||
| Does he really have one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Backwards. | ||
| That almost looks like it, but it's a bandana. | ||
| It could be like a hillbilly with a sword who's really yoked. | ||
| Really yoked. | ||
| Because even when he slimmed down, he was still massive. | ||
| You know, even when he like got smaller. | ||
| But if you go back to his bodybuilding days when he was Mr. Olympia, holy shit. | ||
| He, in my opinion, out of all like the bodybuilder styles, like there's a bunch of different styles. | ||
| Like now guys are just massive and shredded. | ||
| Like that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that guy is, um, the guy on the left is, um, the fuck's his name? | ||
| Multiple time Mr. Olympia. | ||
| What the hell's his name? | ||
| Those legs. | ||
| Ew, gross. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| Goddammit, Jamie. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Ronnie Coleman. | ||
| Ronnie Coleman. | ||
| So that's not real. | ||
| Ronnie Coleman was many years later, right? | ||
| 2002. So that's just a comparison to the two of them? | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 1975 or 2000. See, if you lift it up, go back up again. | ||
| Go back to that image again, please. | ||
| That's really him? | ||
| Wow, he looks amazing there, yeah. | ||
| But if you go back to that image, the one, yeah, look at the difference in the legs. | ||
| That's the real difference. | ||
| Ronnie Coleman's legs are massive. | ||
| They're insane. | ||
| They don't seem real. | ||
| See, Arnold's seem ridiculously muscular as well, but real. | ||
| How does he wear shirts? | ||
| Roddy Coleman? | ||
| Either of them. | ||
| Their waist are narrow. | ||
| Why would you wear clothes if you're built like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just walk around those little grape smugglers all day. | |
| Just let everybody know what the fuck is up. | ||
| He can't stay like that for very long either. | ||
| That's the other thing you have to realize. | ||
| When you're looking at these athletes, should I call them athletes? | ||
| Bodybuilders? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think they're a little bit different than an athlete. | ||
| I mean, it's obviously... | ||
| The way their muscles get tired and they can't... | ||
| Well, yeah, they're in a state of massive dehydration there. | ||
| They can't maintain that very long. | ||
| It's super dangerous. | ||
| When guys get that dehydrated like that, they can't hang on for very long. | ||
| They don't have much endurance. | ||
| You feel really tired all the time. | ||
| But that's how you get your skin really thin. | ||
| A lot of those guys, when they do that, they're fucking exhausted while they're doing it. | ||
| They maintain a good face and flex. | ||
| It's just crazy what people do to their bodies. | ||
| Even then, you look at that, which is big, giant, but the guys are so much bigger today. | ||
| Like, you see them there. | ||
| It's that muscle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| A lat or something? | ||
| Trap? | ||
| Who's the guy to the left? | ||
| Is that Franco Colombo? | ||
| Some guy's about to lose. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Some guy thought he had a future. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of those guys that did have a future. | ||
| They just never had a future like him. | ||
| But he's just that crazy, ambitious motherfucker, you know? | ||
| Ever heard Burr's bit about him? | ||
| No, Burr has a bit of a... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A great man! | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's when after your bang is made. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
| You can do all these things. | ||
| They tell him, you can't come to America and be a bodybuilder. | ||
| You're just some German. | ||
| You came? | ||
| You're going to win? | ||
| You won? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're the biggest bodybuilder? | ||
| Well, you can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You want to be a movie star? | ||
| No, you can't be a movie star. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You should be a bodybuilder. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| You did it? | ||
| Alright, that's enough. | ||
| You've done enough. | ||
| What, you're the biggest movie star in the world? | ||
| Alright, well that's it. | ||
| No, stop. | ||
| You can't run California. | ||
| That's not allowed. | ||
| You're a movie star bodybuilder. | ||
| You're not allowed to run California. | ||
| You're doing it? | ||
| I bet. | ||
| Oh, now you want a fucking maid? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Oh, that's the line? | ||
| That's what brought him down. | ||
| A great man! | ||
| A great man. | ||
| I think if they didn't have law against it, a law against it, because he was born in another country, he could be president. | ||
| I think he could be president now. | ||
| Nah, not now. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| He's too far removed from his fame. | ||
| He'll find a new woman. | ||
| A new woman that really anchors him. | ||
| A woman who's religious. | ||
| I mean, she's not like crazy about it, but there's something about Jesus' teachings that's really starting to appeal to Arnold as he gets older in life. | ||
| And then boom, connects with that Republican base. | ||
| You'd have to get Jesus real popularly. | ||
| Yeah, but dude, Jesus forgives. | ||
| You can get Jesus. | ||
| Dude, just listen. | ||
| Jesus said some cool shit. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| He just did. | ||
| He really did. | ||
| He did some cool... | ||
| If it was a real guy, which is debatable. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's a lot of, not a lot of evidence that there was a real guy, right? | ||
| They wrote about him in the Talmud. | ||
| Did they? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Oh, what else did they write about? | ||
| Dragons? | ||
| Anything about witches? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| About demons? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No? | ||
| Isn't that the one that tells you if you come, you're jerking off? | ||
| That's Kabbalah. | ||
| No? | ||
| Oh, the other one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| I think he was real. | ||
| I think they did have historical evidence for him. | ||
| But not the powers, not the walking on water. | ||
| Have you ever seen that movie? | ||
| There's a guy who was talking a lot of shit. | ||
| It's like, okay, before the internet, you remember those videos of that sensei who's like, try to rush me and just with one finger who drives people back? | ||
| And they all fly back, clearly faked. | ||
| Before, there were videos of that. | ||
| They were just, dude, I heard this guy can knock off any attacker with one finger. | ||
| And I don't have TV either, so I don't know what's real. | ||
| That's what Jesus, Jesus got big. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| People were telling stories about him. | ||
| The idea of Jesus coming back from the dead, right? | ||
| That was the big one, right? | ||
| That was probably one of the biggest ones he did. | ||
| And then what? | ||
| Three days later. | ||
| And then what happens? | ||
| He goes away? | ||
| What happens then? | ||
| Yeah, I think he just... | ||
| They're like, oh, look, his body's not in here. | ||
| He must have come back from the dead. | ||
| Couldn't be that hyenas ate his body or anything, right? | ||
| Yeah, or somebody just went and grave robbed. | ||
| Why don't you leave a body out in bare country? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He's back. | ||
| He's alive again. | ||
| And then he went to heaven. | ||
| So he came back to life, went to heaven. | ||
| Jamie, do you know? | ||
| Yeah, they put him in a tomb. | ||
| They put him in a tomb, right? | ||
| And three days later, the rock was moved. | ||
| And someone saw him go up into heaven, full body. | ||
| Oh, this lion bitch. | ||
| And that's where the Dome of the Rock is, where he went up to heaven. | ||
| You know who saw him? | ||
| Those lesbians in that club in Vancouver. | ||
| They were there. | ||
| Their account is totally verifiable. | ||
| His Canadian tribunals have too much power. | ||
| Yeah, if you had a Canadian tribunal to discover whether or not Jesus ever came back to life, I just think if you came back to life, you should probably stick around and talk to people. | ||
| Let them know that you did it. | ||
| Look, I'm so for real. | ||
| You guys crucified me. | ||
| Not again, bitch. | ||
| Come at me this time. | ||
| I'm gonna use my magic. | ||
| I'm here to fix you guys. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I died for your sins. | ||
| Get it together, bitches. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Removing anything we know is not true from that. | ||
| How do you know it's not true? | ||
| You don't know shit. | ||
| From what you know of, let's say- That's a guy who got strung up for saying he was a messiah, which he wasn't the only one at the time saying he was a messiah. | ||
| He got strung up for it, and he died, and then the followers had to keep hope alive. | ||
| And whatever they did, they did. | ||
| But like... | ||
| If it was a real person, then it's like, yeah, he got killed, like a lot of people. | ||
| Well, it's so hard. | ||
| It's so hard to recount the truth in an accurate way from things you've actually experienced. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you can take the God out of it. | ||
| But imagine those stories of whoever he was, counted down And retold by people that barely remember the original version. | ||
| They weren't even there. | ||
| They added their own bullshit to it like people do. | ||
| They added their own spice. | ||
| They added their own rules. | ||
| They added their own happy ending or sad ending or consequences of said action. | ||
| You know, and Jesus said, if you do not cover from your eyes to your ankles, you shall be stoned to death. | ||
| And a dishonor killing. | ||
| People just add shit, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who knows what the original message was and who the fuck it was that came up with it? | ||
| It might have been just some really cool dude who wanted everybody to get along. | ||
| And so they decided to kill this fucker because he's talking shit. | ||
| Imagine if the Romans came to town, they got their swords, ready to kick some ass, and this fucking hippie is over here talking some stupid shit. | ||
| No, dude, we're here to kill people. | ||
| Okay, we're just going to nail you to this cross like we do thousands of other fucking people. | ||
| As a matter of fact, they had... | ||
| What was the story that... | ||
| There's a story in History on Fire that Daniele Bolelli talks about, where the Romans, they put miles and miles of crucified bodies on this road. | ||
| Like in Game of Thrones. | ||
| Dude, it's horrific. | ||
| When he recounts it, it's horrific. | ||
| And they did that. | ||
| So why would they give a shit about doing this to one other dude? | ||
| This is what they were doing. | ||
| Let them do whatever they want. | ||
| So if you were in the town and there's this one cool guy who wants everybody to get along, you're like, man, I'm glad Jesus is here. | ||
| He's talking sense. | ||
| You know, we really should listen to him. | ||
| Like, why are we being assholes? | ||
| We really do. | ||
| We need to appreciate our surroundings and love each other like brothers and sisters. | ||
| Oh shit, dude, the Romans. | ||
| Look over the hill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Fuck! | ||
| And you look over the head, you see dust and horses, just thousands of them coming forth. | ||
| And this dude's gonna step up and try to talk to these people. | ||
| Lay down! | ||
| Chop his fucking dick off and stuff it up his nose. | ||
| They're monsters. | ||
| That's why I love Game of Thrones. | ||
| They don't fuck around. | ||
| They're not like, they were just like, this is how it would be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A bunch of loose cannons. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, no government oversight. | ||
| Die. | ||
| They kill people for no reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Why take the chance? | ||
| Swords, too. | ||
| You die by the sword. | ||
| Heads and fucking arms get lopped off. | ||
| That's why I've always hated the crossbow. | ||
| Takes too long to reload. | ||
| It's a bullshit weapon. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Crossbows for pussies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it offend you? | |
| Get a fucking bow, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seriously. | |
| A real bow and arrow. | ||
| Does it make you mad, Walking Dead? | ||
| It totally makes me mad. | ||
| You know what makes me mad? | ||
| The Walking Dead? | ||
| That he's one of the coolest guys, too. | ||
| How does that fucking arrow not get a pass through? | ||
| Okay? | ||
| He's shooting people in the bodies. | ||
| He's shooting them in the head. | ||
| It always sticks right in. | ||
| It always sticks in and he pulls it right out. | ||
| Listen, man, I ruin three or four arrows a week. | ||
| A week. | ||
| This guy has been out there. | ||
| He keeps finding new arrows. | ||
| Yeah, I shoot a lot of arrows. | ||
| And sometimes when I'm practicing with new- It's Georgia. | ||
| New releases. | ||
| I'm practicing with new Archer releases. | ||
| Sometimes I hit rocks and shit. | ||
| And they just break? | ||
| They just break. | ||
| I'm exaggerating the amount. | ||
| Do you ever hit a rock on purpose to see if it'll ricochet? | ||
| It just destroys the arrow. | ||
| The arrow's going too fast. | ||
| It just shatters and explodes. | ||
| But my point being, this guy has the same goddamn arrows. | ||
| These arrows are gone, dude. | ||
| You shot 100 zombies. | ||
| You don't have any more arrows. | ||
| You just don't. | ||
| You're not going to pull them out and they're going to be perfect. | ||
| First of all, you have field points, and that's bullshit anyway. | ||
| You don't even have broadheads. | ||
| You don't even kill anything. | ||
| You're just going to put a little pinhole in it. | ||
| That's all you need, just get through the brain. | ||
| He shoots him in the head, you know, and it just sticks right in there magically and he pulls it right out. | ||
| Like, what are their heads made of? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| And when they eat, what happens to the food? | ||
| Their bodies don't still work and process stuff. | ||
| You would be way better off with a regular bow and arrow. | ||
| Because a regular bow and arrow, like you can make your own bow and arrow that'd be better than that stupid fucking crossbow. | ||
| You want something you can just load up like that and keep shooting. | ||
| You can shoot several times. | ||
| That stupid thing. | ||
| You gotta grab it. | ||
| You gotta pull it. | ||
| People just like it because it looks like Chewbacca's gun in Star Wars. | ||
| It's some old-schooly shit. | ||
| Like, you think, oh, that's even better than a bow and arrow. | ||
| Bow and arrow's way better than a crossbow. | ||
| Unless you're a pussy. | ||
| You don't want to learn how to shoot a bow and arrow. | ||
| They should have somebody walking dead with an actual bow and arrow. | ||
| Have those guys butt heads. | ||
| I mean, it's not a bad weapon if you want to kill something. | ||
| Like, if you want to use it, like, if you're in a deer blind and you're trying to kill a deer, and you want to show someone how to do it with a crossbow, it's a great weapon for that. | ||
| Because it's really easy to do. | ||
| Have you seen Sebastian's bit about bow and arrow? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's got a good bit? | ||
| Don't tell me. | ||
| Don't say it. | ||
| Don't say I don't want to ruin it. | ||
| It might be already recorded. | ||
| You've got to look and see if you can find it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll try it out. | |
| Oh, it's so funny. | ||
| His act-outs are so good. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's such a good dude, too. | ||
| It's cool seeing a guy like him. | ||
| You gotta look it up. | ||
| See if it's up there. | ||
| I don't want to play it. | ||
| It is? | ||
| Yeah, I'll find it later. | ||
| But for folks listening, go check it out. | ||
| But I mean, most people don't actually have a bow and arrow, so if anyone would like this bit, it would be you. | ||
| He's fucking funny, man. | ||
| And he's a really nice guy, too. | ||
| Yeah, Sebastian's cool. | ||
| He's one of those guys where everybody likes him. | ||
| I've never heard anybody doesn't like Sebastian. | ||
| You know one person? | ||
| Who doesn't like Sebastian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ever? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| His wife's cool, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hardest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's also a guy that really worked hard. | ||
| That guy, he hustled, man. | ||
| He made it happen for himself. | ||
| He kept getting better. | ||
| The weak guy had today! | ||
| That was his catchphrase. | ||
| He couldn't do a set without doing that. | ||
| He came in and did a podcast, and he was fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, he's hilarious. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| He's so, like, particular. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, very particular. | ||
| Like, what's going on with your fingernails? | ||
| He looks, and he just bothers him. | ||
| He's like, what is this? | ||
| Did you paint your fingernails, guy? | ||
| Yeah, he's another guy that has, like, a very specific style. | ||
| He's cleaned ice. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| Man, I don't know. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm going to say no. | ||
| I've seen him before. | ||
| Maybe it's just when he does crowd work. | ||
| When he does crowd work, he lifts everybody up. | ||
| Instead of that shirt's gross, he goes, that shirt's amazing. | ||
| I could never get away with that shirt. | ||
| Look at how gorgeous this guy. | ||
| Their smile. | ||
| You had all your teeth fixed, huh? | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| He takes the opposite end of it and just gets the funny out of just being positive. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| In that sense, maybe, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe in that sense. | ||
| Which is exactly the exact opposite of what I used to love about watching Dice in the OR. Just hurting people? | ||
| Late night, there'd be a guy, he'd go, look at you. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| The last piece of pussy you saw is the last piece of pussy you're ever gonna see. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| He would have a cigarette. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Who's gonna fuck you? | ||
| Who's gonna fuck? | ||
| Let's be honest, Ovi. | ||
| She shits on you. | ||
| Believe me. | ||
| Who's gonna fuck you? | ||
| You're gonna pay for it? | ||
| You're gonna be sad. | ||
| You're gonna fall in love with the hooker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're gonna wanna bring her into your life and save her. | |
| Meanwhile, all the time, she's getting... | ||
| Cock when you're not looking. | ||
| He would just go deep on his people. | ||
| He would get bad. | ||
| But it was fun. | ||
| Like, it was theater. | ||
| It was theater. | ||
| It didn't seem real, right? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's theater. | ||
| Like, it's a character that's doing this mean act on people. | ||
| Yeah, it's when you act like yourself on stage, people feel way more like, how dare you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But when it's a complete character or a movie where it's like, this is all definitely not true, so it's okay. | ||
| It just seems more like reality. | ||
| I think that's why people get madder more. | ||
| Stand up. | ||
| Look at you over here. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you hear about Bowie dying? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| What'd you think of him? | ||
| I loved him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw the exhibit in Melbourne. | ||
| This Bowie exhibit. | ||
| He had some great songs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And just the way he dealt with live performance and getting the world's best costumers. | ||
| He was like, I gotta talk to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he was just like, here's what I'm kind of doing now. | ||
| I want you to design something with me. | ||
| I forgive him for dancing in the street. | ||
| That's in the street. | ||
| With him and Mick Jagger? | ||
| I forgive them. | ||
| I forgive them for arguably the most confusing sexually, at least, to a young man. | ||
| I'm like, what is happening with these two? | ||
| Who are they? | ||
| But him and Mick Jagger, I was like, what is this message? | ||
| You're confusing the fuck out of me. | ||
| I don't know what you guys are doing. | ||
| I want to know. | ||
| Are you guys platonic friends who just start dancing for For some strange reason? | ||
| Or it seems like you're flirting with each other. | ||
| Like, I need to know. | ||
| I need to know. | ||
| He did that shit all the time. | ||
| Mick Jagger's ex-wife got mean. | ||
| Said she found David Bowie in bed with Mick Jagger. | ||
| So she told everybody. | ||
| That's where, when you're a guy like David Bowie or Mick Jagger, it becomes really problematic being married to some normal person. | ||
| Because she's got this amazing story. | ||
| So what if they want to get together and figure out whether or not they're gay? | ||
| And David was like, oh yeah, I fuck all sorts of stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, let's see if this is a shot. | ||
| Let's see what the fuck happens. | ||
| And meanwhile, this woman that Mick Jagger supposedly had some sort of a contract with, where they're not supposed to have sex with other people, she got all upset, and she fucking puts them on blast all over the world. | ||
| Probably put it in a book or something. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Yeah, they're right next to each other. | ||
| Listen, that's privileged information, man. | ||
| That's not like regular people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's not like Bob, you know, the guy who fixes bikes down at the bike shop, and Tim, who's the UPS driver, who has friendly conversations with Bob, and catching them fucking in the men's room. | ||
| This is a bigger deal. | ||
| This is going to affect the record companies. | ||
| This is going to affect venues. | ||
| It's going to affect the people that sell tickets. | ||
| There's a lot of jobs attached to these two people, and you're just being rude just because you're a petty cunt. | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| Look at the way he's dressed. | ||
| Of course he fucks guys. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That was a shocker to you? | ||
| Doesn't make him any less awesome. | ||
| Makes him more awesome. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| These guys are awesome. | ||
| Coming up from behind you there. | ||
| Can you imagine if you and I did a music video when we were doing this? | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| How long do you think we could do this? | ||
| What is he sticking his fingers up in the air? | ||
| You and Duncan couldn't kiss each other for more than two seconds for a hilarious thing at a pay-per-view event. | ||
| My biggest regret is that is pulling away and laughing. | ||
| I didn't realize it. | ||
| I thought the camera was gone. | ||
| Did you give him any tongue? | ||
| Yeah, I gave him a little. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Did he give it back? | ||
| You think I don't like Duncan? | ||
| But did he give it back? | ||
| Did you guys tongue? | ||
| We were locked in there, man. | ||
| I thought you guys were like just lips. | ||
| I didn't know you went tongues. | ||
| You gotta sell it. | ||
| Oh, you sold it. | ||
| What is up with the trench coat? | ||
| Is he warm or cold or what is he? | ||
| What is he? | ||
| Because it seems like they're both in different climates. | ||
| Like David Bowie seems like he's in a rainy London sort of climate, but Mick Jagger's in the Keys. | ||
| He's in the Florida Keys. | ||
| He's having a good old time. | ||
| He's like listening to Jimmy Buffett music or some shit with his blue pants. | ||
| What's going on with their butts? | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| Why'd they freeze-frame on that butt? | ||
| Is that you? | ||
| Did you do that, Jamie? | ||
| Or is that the actual video? | ||
| That's how it ends? | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| Or fortunate, depending on what you're really into. | ||
| Dude, Ground Control to Major Tom? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's like one of my all-time favorite songs. | ||
| So you know what he did? | ||
| So he had this Ziggy Stardust character, and he was all coked up. | ||
| They had these Coke spoons as part of the exhibit. | ||
| All of his Coke spoons. | ||
| They didn't have anything. | ||
| Did they really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So in his Coke rage, whatever he was in, he goes, there's this famous thing. | ||
| He goes, not only has you guys been a wonderful audience, and not only is this the last Ziggy Stardust show of the tour, But it is also, and the band has no idea what he's talking about, what he's gonna say, because this is also the last Ziggy Stardust show of all time. | ||
| And then he plays his last song and gets off. | ||
| And the band's like, wait, we're done? | ||
| That's how you're telling us? | ||
| We're fucking done? | ||
| Holy shit, that sucks for the band. | ||
| Yeah, and then he went and started just being David Bowie. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But he had this character that was huge, and they're like, what are you doing? | ||
| Don't stop. | ||
| He goes, fuck this, I'm an artist, I'm developing. | ||
| I'm not gonna get stuck with that moneymaker forever. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, he had some fucking really amazing songs, man. | ||
| Amazing songs. | ||
| And they were so original. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But his live performance, they showed him on the Top of the Pops, just like androgynous shit on like a late night talk show. | ||
| Not a late night talk show, just like a mainstream thing, and they're just like almost half kissing this guy. | ||
| And people are like, wait, what the fuck was that? | ||
| What did I just see? | ||
| Yeah, and the music was so unique. | ||
| You know, his style was, it was just, it was very specific, you know. | ||
| It was very David Bowie. | ||
| Yeah, oh my god, what a great song that is. | ||
| What a great song. | ||
| Yeah, he was awesome, man. | ||
| And it wasn't like, okay, when Michael Jackson died, everyone's a Michael Jackson fan. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When he died, it was sad, whatever. | ||
| But he wasn't still making music and stuff, you know? | ||
| So it was like, oh, it's too bad he passed, but it was either then or 30 years later. | ||
| We weren't going to miss out on anything. | ||
| David Bowie released an album last Tuesday. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The first hit is just on the radio right now. | ||
| He still has stuff that's being planned for radio releases in the next few months. | ||
| There was a rollout scheduled. | ||
| Fucking cancer, man. | ||
| He did a lot of stuff. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I don't even think he hid from it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a bummer, man. | ||
| It's a bummer. | ||
| Did you see the Sean Penn thing? | ||
| Sean Penn went to El Chapo. | ||
| Sean Penn, I've completely changed my opinion about him. | ||
| I think he was a blowhard. | ||
| When he did that Chris Rock thing, I was very critical of him. | ||
| I was like, because Chris Rock made a joke, and he's doing his monologue, and he made a joke about Jude Law. | ||
| And Sean Penn comes out and goes, well, the reason why Jude Law works is the reason why I'm like, come on, man. | ||
| So I goofed on him. | ||
| But that fucking guy went to Mexico, to the jungle, to meet El Chapo and interview him and write about it for Rolling Stone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Just to be a journalist? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Dude, he has everything to lose. | ||
| He's got a family. | ||
| He's got children. | ||
| He's got money. | ||
| He's got fame. | ||
| He's got everything. | ||
| He has no reason to want to do this, and he decides to do it. | ||
| He decides to be... | ||
| And people are... | ||
| He did that with Congo, too. | ||
| People are criticizing him in this really bizarre way. | ||
| First of all, they said, one of these guys said, I read this tweet about it where he's saying, I wonder how Sean Penn feels about real journalists being killed. | ||
| Because the narcos have killed journalists that report on them. | ||
| Well, guess what? | ||
| He's risking his life. | ||
| You don't think they would think it would be funny to kill Sean Penn? | ||
| If somehow or another Sean Penn had irritated El Chapo and El Chapo decided to have him killed... | ||
| He must have known the risk of that. | ||
| This guy doesn't care. | ||
| El Chapo got out in tunnels. | ||
| I heard he was hiding out in Justin Martindale's asshole. | ||
| I don't think Justin Martindale's asshole is that little. | ||
| No, I'm saying that's the series of tunnels he dug out of. | ||
| You could find him if you looked in there. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| I mean that big. | ||
| So he interviewed El Chapo? | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| He went to Afghanistan during the beginning of the war, too, right? | ||
| Or Iraq? | ||
| One of those two? | ||
| To interview people on the street? | ||
| I'm not sure about that. | ||
| I wasn't aware of that. | ||
| But what he did with El Chapo was he got in touch with some Mexican actress who knows El Chapo. | ||
| She's probably got El Chapo's El Chapo in Santa Fe, you know what I say? | ||
| And El Chapo arranged a meeting and they had like specific conditions. | ||
| Like he had to read the story before it's published, which they've never granted before with Rolling Stone. | ||
| They don't do that. | ||
| And they agreed to it because it's just like such a crazy coup. | ||
| Otherwise legally I'm not gonna let you? | ||
| Not only that, it's Sean Penn is interviewing him. | ||
| But all these journalists are mad. | ||
| Is Sean Penn responsible for the fact that El Chapo has killed other people? | ||
| He shouldn't be sitting down and talking. | ||
| You don't want to see a conversation between Sean Penn and this killer guy. | ||
| He is being a journalist. | ||
| He's a killer, but okay, let's interview him. | ||
| Journalists would get Manson. | ||
| What is this catty shit, like, real journalists? | ||
| Like, don't say that. | ||
| Like, that guy, that's a crazy risk he took. | ||
| Undeniably crazy risk. | ||
| It's just cattiness for anybody to shit on it. | ||
| Like, to say that he shouldn't have done that. | ||
| Like, he's not gonna keep people alive by not going there. | ||
| And in fact, they believe that the paper trail, or the electronic trail, Of them setting this up is probably what led to them capturing El Chapo in the first place. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Which they just did. | ||
| The whole thing plays out- Again? | ||
| They did again? | ||
| Yes, they just did. | ||
| Oh, he escaped and then he just caught him. | ||
| They only caught him like two days ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And they caught him like right as this story is coming out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And who's trying to catch him? | |
| American still? | ||
| It's almost like fucking Rolling Stone set up El Chapo to make their story sell even better, Jamie. | ||
| Are you thinking that? | ||
| I can't believe you're saying that. | ||
| I don't know why you would say that, because I don't think the world works that way. | ||
| God, Jamie's like, conspiracies. | ||
| Do they sell the extradition stuff? | ||
| Oh yeah, they want to. | ||
| The United States is going to give Mexico a bunch of gasoline or something. | ||
| Why, because he makes drugs that come here? | ||
| Because, yeah, he sold drugs in America. | ||
| So we get to pull them out of his country of jurisdiction, because they can't keep that fucker locked up. | ||
| We can keep him locked up. | ||
| Can you guys help us with holding this joker? | ||
| He fucking escaped twice. | ||
| We're done with this. | ||
| Let's stop. | ||
| I've completely changed my opinion on Sean Penn. | ||
| What are you going to pee? | ||
| I knew it. | ||
| The interview was in October. | ||
| Go pee. | ||
| It was in October? | ||
| Yeah, but it's just coming out now, right? | ||
| Yeah, which might be added to your... | ||
| It might be added to why would Rolling Stone release it now? | ||
| Conspiracy, my brother. | ||
| It's the Illuminati. | ||
| It controls all of the media. | ||
| Do you think he can get in trouble for doing this at all? | ||
| Sean Penn? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck yeah, for sure. | ||
| Look, man, he just got a story with one of the biggest drug dealers, or apparently the biggest drug dealer, if he's to be believed, ever. | ||
| That's ever lived. | ||
| Other than the CIA. That's ever lived, allegedly. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I mean, of course you can get in trouble for that. | ||
| That's a dangerous move. | ||
| Like, anybody that says that what Sean Penn did didn't take any courage is crazy. | ||
| Why criticize it? | ||
| Just look at it what it is. | ||
| He had a conversation with a known gangster of incredible reputation. | ||
| I mean, that's what that guy is. | ||
| He's a known gangster of incredible reputation. | ||
| And Sean Penn met him in the jungle in Mexico. | ||
| You don't think that's a ballsy move? | ||
| That's like one of the ballsiest moves that a person can do as a journalist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What Sean Penn did. | ||
| But to do it as a movie star? | ||
| A fucking guy who's won Oscars? | ||
| Or at least an Oscar, right? | ||
| He's won an Oscar, right? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| Look, he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| I rescind my previous criticism. | ||
| Very big of you. | ||
| I heard that it's obviously a conspiracy thing, but I heard that the Mexican government might have let El Chapo out to get the cartels and gangs under control because once they arrested him, there was a vacuum. | ||
| Now that he was out, he got everything wrapped up. | ||
| Now they've pulled him back in, which is why he's been arrested again. | ||
| Jamie's with his conspiracies over here. | ||
| I heard this on the radio today. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you repeat these? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably... | |
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| I don't think they let him out. | ||
| I think somebody paid a shitload of money to have somebody dig a tunnel, and I don't think they do a good job of watching their prison. | ||
| That's most likely... | ||
| Or probably there's probably some people in on it that probably got paid too. | ||
| Definitely, right? | ||
| That's why they want to keep him here in the good old U.S. way. | ||
| We got him locked down, Ari. | ||
| We're done with this shit. | ||
| We're going to take him down to Quantico, put him down in that fucking place we got there in the bottom of the Denver airport. | ||
| That's where he is. | ||
| Denver airport prison. | ||
| The place they always talk about. | ||
| I want to see that place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it's bullshit. | ||
| It's probably a jail down there. | ||
| I think a lot of airports have a jail. | ||
| Doesn't Fenway Park have a jail, too? | ||
| I might have made that up. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| But yeah, so El Chapo got captured. | ||
| And Sean Penn wrote... | ||
| That's pretty cool, though. | ||
| He went down there and fucking... | ||
| Yeah, it's not the best story. | ||
| Writing needs a little work. | ||
| A little dry in points. | ||
| But you still say it's wrong for him to go like, he's one of our finest actors. | ||
| What he did was just unnecessary. | ||
| And he was just trying to stand up for a guy that he has a deep respect for. | ||
| It's his craft. | ||
| Who doesn't get comedy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's his craft. | ||
| He doesn't have to. | ||
| To be who he is, to be able to do Harvey Milk, and to also be able to do the Fast Times at Ridgemont and the Irish Mob Guy. | ||
| He obviously knows how to get into his work. | ||
| He doesn't do a shit job. | ||
| He's not doing an American Sniper, right? | ||
| Have you ever seen a movie where he plays it where it seems like he's just phoning it in? | ||
| Like moments you saw American Sniper and you're like, this is not real. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You don't see Sean Penn in those movies. | ||
| Here's the scene where you're criticizing. | ||
| The Bradley Cooper scene where the girlfriend was banging another guy and it just seems all fake. | ||
| Could you imagine Sean Penn in that scene? | ||
| No, of course you can. | ||
| He would figure out how to make it more real. | ||
| Better shut up, brother. | ||
| He would figure out how to make it more real or he wouldn't be doing it. | ||
| His quality of work... | ||
| Is definitely to be respected like there's a few guys like that that have that Daniel Day-Lewis you know him Russell Crowe there's like there's a few people that have this ability to like transform into like Mariel Hemingway oh yeah Russell Crowe puts out some stuff although he's always pretty good Faye Dunaway Faye Dunaway like from the beginning man you ever watch that's the original stoner that's the original rendition of a stoner the original like everyone else is doing an impression of that now I'm so wasted Remember when he beats the sneaker against his | ||
| head? | ||
| That was my head! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was my head. | |
| Did you ever see Chinatown, Faye Dunaway? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway in Chinatown? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, there's some fucking people. | ||
| You know, who's that broad that's in all the Coen Brothers movies? | ||
| She's really awesome. | ||
| She was in Fargo. | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, with the accent. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| She was in the movie Fargo. | ||
| She's been in everything, yeah. | ||
| She's been in the movie Fargo. | ||
| Frances McDormand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She's one of those people that become... | ||
| Kathy Bates. | ||
| Yeah, I don't care that I know who it is. | ||
| She's so good. | ||
| You lose yourself. | ||
| Yeah, if I go to see a movie and I'm like, oh, that's that guy. | ||
| How'd that guy get to play that guy? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Seth Rogen is Steve Wozniak? | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| It's Seth Rogen. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| He's playing somebody. | ||
| It's not that Seth Rogen's not good, but... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I know who he is. | ||
| But she's so goddamn good, you don't care who she is. | ||
| You don't care that it's Frances McDormand. | ||
| When she's playing a role, you buy it. | ||
| Hook, line, and sinker. | ||
| You're locked up in it. | ||
| Which is way harder to do. | ||
| You know, it's way harder to do when you don't know who the person is. | ||
| Like, in Ex Machina, I didn't know who any of these fucking people were. | ||
| So it was perfect. | ||
| It just slipped right in. | ||
| But if one of those people had been Tom Cruise, and the other one was Nicole Kidman, it'd be like, come on. | ||
| I know who you are, fucker. | ||
| That's why it's hard to see whenever your friends book anything and you're watching a movie and you see Diaz or anybody you know or Maz Jobrani. | ||
| It's real hard to get lost in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Almost impossible. | ||
| When you know them. | ||
| Well, plus it's not fun to get lost in it. | ||
| It's fun to go, what's up, Maz? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Maz Jobrani. | |
| That's what's fun, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Goddammit, Ari Shafir. | ||
| Are you enjoying your newfound success? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's been great. | ||
| I get a little worried about certain things to keep track of. | ||
| You're traveling all over the world, though. | ||
| Traveling all over the world is real fun as shit. | ||
| I'm trying to do... | ||
| I realized I made this promise with Morrissey. | ||
| Paul Morrissey a few years ago. | ||
| We were in Denmark for some comedy festival. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| We were in Montreal, Switzerland for some comedy festival. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then we went to Amsterdam afterwards. | ||
| And just for fun. | ||
| And we were like, let's go to two new countries every year. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just to visit or to work? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Either one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, one of the things I'd like to do in another country is see what it's like to do comedy there. | ||
| You should do a show in Thailand. | ||
| I did a show in Thailand. | ||
| How many shows? | ||
| Just one in Bangkok. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| Fun as shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That was a lot more Thai people were there than in China. | ||
| China was all expats, maybe one Chinese person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Hong Kong has a mix. | ||
| But like Thailand, they speak some English. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| So I might do a show in India this year. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| They speak English in India. | ||
| That's how when you get your computer fixed. | ||
| Yeah, English. | ||
| You're calling India. | ||
| In India, everybody speaks English. | ||
| So they don't have to... | ||
| They do it for not just expats, but for locals. | ||
| By the way, if you have an American Express issue, you're talking to someone in India. | ||
| That's pretty crazy. | ||
| I found that out. | ||
| Isn't that wonderful? | ||
| They renamed them. | ||
| My name is Fred. | ||
| I'm here to take your order. | ||
| What is the problem with your phone card? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this? | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| American Express. | ||
| That is, again, racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's offensively racist. | |
| Just like he was saying the sumo sword. | ||
| This is more racist. | ||
| You're appropriating an accent. | ||
| No, it's racist if they rename those people. | ||
| That's racist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, clearly. | ||
| Because they don't think Americans are handled- My name is Fred. | ||
| Doesn't someone have a bit on that? | ||
| Someone has a bit. | ||
| I had a bit. | ||
| I used to have a bit about it. | ||
| Was it you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Eddie Bravo had a real problem with those people at one point in time. | ||
| And, you know, Eddie Bravo is a real trickster. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Like, Eddie must have ordered, like, a prescription medication and used his cell phone as the phone number. | ||
| You know, like, when you get a prescription, like, what number do you leave? | ||
| He left his cell phone. | ||
| So, somehow or another, that got... | ||
| This is like in the... | ||
| Early 2000s, and somehow or another that got sold as a list. | ||
| You know how that happens? | ||
| They'll find out, like, oh, this guy buys prescription drugs, or this guy has solar panels in his house. | ||
| For whatever reason, you get a list. | ||
| That was like a big issue with people. | ||
| They would sell your information. | ||
| So he started getting all these phone calls from pharmacies, and there were these people that barely spoke English, and they're trying to sell him prescription drugs. | ||
| Because this was during the day where there was a kind of a Wild West period, where you'd buy all your drugs from Canada and overseas, and they would ship them. | ||
| And so you could get things without a prescription, like really heavy stuff without a prescription. | ||
| And so Eddie would keep these people on the phone forever. | ||
| I mean forever. | ||
| He would have these conversations with them and pretend that some noise is going on in the background and he would talk to them and say, what do you have that I can use? | ||
| Oh, hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be right back. | |
| I have to clean my feet. | ||
| And then he would go and put the phone down for like five minutes and go take a leak. | ||
| He would get something to drink and then come back to it and then start talking to them about what different drugs. | ||
| What do you have that gets your dick on? | ||
| Do you have anything to get your dick hard? | ||
| And he would have these crazy conversations with these people. | ||
| And they would go on forever, man. | ||
| He would be laughing. | ||
| He would hold the phone up to his chest. | ||
| And he loves playing tricks like that on people. | ||
| Especially, like, he felt he had the green light. | ||
| Because they're contacting him. | ||
| So he would drag it on forever. | ||
| And they can't hang up, too. | ||
| Unless you curse. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So he was dragging it on forever, and he would go to give them an address to send it to her, a credit card number, but then he would have some ridiculous excuse he had to put the phone down. | ||
| He'd put the phone down for like 10 minutes, and then go back to it and pick it up again. | ||
| He would keep doing it. | ||
| Sorry, just one second. | ||
| I need to deal with this. | ||
| Yeah, he'd have like crazy fake arguments. | ||
| In the background? | ||
| Hold the phone down and fucking scream and yell. | ||
| And then, you know, say he was about to get raped and he'd call the police. | ||
| Would he record him? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was just for fun. | ||
| Just for the pure art of it. | ||
| He would do it for like, I'm telling you, man, he did a bunch of them. | ||
| I sort of remember those. | ||
| You remember those? | ||
| I sort of remember those, yeah. | ||
| Dude, he would get excited when the phone would ring. | ||
| Hello? | ||
| So what does this drug do? | ||
| Oh my god, I'm so glad you guys called me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just don't have that kind of patience. | ||
| I don't have that mind either. | ||
| You gotta be bored. | ||
| You gotta be crazy. | ||
| In a different way. | ||
| He loves doing that though. | ||
| He gets such a kick out of doing that. | ||
| Or he did. | ||
| I'm sure now he's too busy. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't do that anymore, do they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you get calls? | |
| No, they don't call you. | ||
| It's supposed to not have your cell phone. | ||
| Oh, is that what it is? | ||
| It's supposed to be like, you're not supposed to call my cell phone ever. | ||
| That was like a law of change. | ||
| Imagine if they didn't? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| I think it only came from when people didn't have unlimited phone calls. | ||
| It wasn't like a standard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| So then it was like, hey, you're using up people's fucking time and money. | ||
| That's actually a good argument to keep it the way it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So now they can be like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the difference? | |
| Yeah, because if it's free, if you get all the minutes in the world all the time, then people are free to contact you for no reason. | ||
| Dude, even fax machines... | ||
| As soon as we had fax machines, within how long? | ||
| It was spam. | ||
| Spam. | ||
| Just like someone sending you some fucking ad. | ||
| Remember when you would call someone and the fax machine would answer? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| You'd be like, you motherfucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, Javier, we're out of time. | ||
| We've got to wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Can I plug some dates or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Yeah! | ||
| You just ran your hour special, or you ran it? | ||
| I just ran my new hour, yeah. | ||
| In the belly room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I walked in for a little bit, saw the cell phone bit. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| Oh, thanks. | ||
| It was going well. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| So, are you ready to do another one? | ||
| I'm getting... | ||
| I mean, I'm doing... | ||
| My hour on the road now is pretty solid. | ||
| Like, I don't feel like I'm... | ||
| The crowd's not getting a full good show. | ||
| But I'm deciding when I want to do it. | ||
| I think I'm going to hold off until October. | ||
| Because I'm going to do it in Edinburgh. | ||
| Oh, in Edinburgh. | ||
| For a month. | ||
| Say it right, though. | ||
| Don't say Edinburgh. | ||
| Edinburgh. | ||
| They'll get mad. | ||
| Edinburgh. | ||
| They're like, you fucker, you're running from here, stealing all the money. | ||
| So I don't want to waste that time on the material. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to run it 25 times in the UK. That would make it stronger. | ||
| Yeah, we'll definitely adapt you to that environment, too. | ||
| You know, you get a groove, like what audiences are like in different countries, and you're there for a few days, especially. | ||
| My last special, I ran in 10 countries. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like, you know, getting it to everybody and seeing if it works everywhere. | ||
| Smart move, man. | ||
| It's smart. | ||
| You know how guys in one town, they'll develop a style that's suitable to one town. | ||
| We started on 3rd Street. | ||
| Yeah, it might not work in Chicago. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck is 3rd Street? | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| I have this bit about apartment brokers in New York, and it's like, it doesn't. | ||
| I've got to make it work outside of New York. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
| Regional material is hard. | ||
| But anyway, every two weeks I'm going to be doing my storyteller show at the Belly Room. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| The 19th is the next one, and then whatever, it's two weeks after that. | ||
| But I've got Irvine, I'm doing my hour, but I'll be in Denver. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com? | ||
| AriTheGreat.com for tickets. | ||
| Or AriShafir.com? | ||
| In Denver with Steve Simone on the 28th, 29th, 30th, 31st. | ||
| At the Comedy Works? | ||
| At the Comedy. | ||
| Greatest club on the planet Earth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or one of them? | ||
| Indianapolis, Tempe. | ||
| Everything's at AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| AriTheMotherfuckingGreat.com And if you like sports, check out the sports podcast to do with Sam Tripoli and Jason Tebow called Punch Drunk Sports. | ||
| Oh, that's right, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We have Nate Diaz and Nick Diaz calling all the time. | ||
| And how about the Skeptic Tank? | ||
| The Skeptic Tank, your podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't forget that. | |
| Ari's for the Skeptic Tank. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's another good one. | ||
| He's got a fucking podcast, too. | ||
| This week, coming out later today, I guess, is the Ari Shaffir interview by Danish and O'Neal. | ||
| Good googly moogly, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Alright, that's it. | ||
| You listen to it sometimes. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I listen to your podcast all the time. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Good night, you fucks. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| See you tomorrow. |
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