Tony Hinchcliffe and Joe Rogan debunk the "sperm light switch" myth, then dive into vision acuity and skill mastery—like EverQuest’s addictive power mechanics—before critiquing Seattle PD’s mishandling of Kurt Cobain’s case. Rogan defends cops against media bias while exploring stress, power imbalances, and the absurdity of celebrity culture (e.g., P. Diddy’s butler). They mock Montage of Heck, discuss synth oil’s grotesque distortions, and link Amy Winehouse’s heroin use to creative extremes, praising psychedelics like psilocybin for their therapeutic potential despite Nixon-era criminalization. Hinchcliffe teases his Netflix special One Shot—filmed in one take with Joey Diaz—while Rogan hypes his Tabernacle show and upcoming Kill Tony lineup, contrasting modern comedy’s freedom with traditional censorship. [Automatically generated summary]
It seems like in America, these type of things are becoming more and more attractive to us, like an instant solution to anything that we got going wrong.
Oh, we're going to come up with new retinas.
And these retinas, they're artificial retinas.
You put them in your eyes and you can see 2,200 or 20...
You have to understand how you're orientating the sight on it.
It's a little more tricky than like a hunting rifle where the sight is magnified.
With a shotgun, for the most part, unless it has a scope on it, most of the times they don't, you're using the barrel of the gun to line up where the bullets are going to go.
But any variation up or down by the slightest amount Results in a big deviation of the intended path of the weapon.
So if you're trying to shoot straight and your thing is just kind of at him but not really, it'll go over his head.
So you have to line up this little thing in the front, which is like a little tiny nub.
Like a U. And then the thing in the back, the thing in the back is the U. And you're looking, you're trying to line the two of them up.
So there's like this little V and you're trying to put this pin in between the little V and hold it there as you squeeze the trigger and don't flinch.
So there's a lot involved in it.
It takes practice.
But once you get, it's like anything else, like archery or bowling.
You know, once you understand the technique behind it, then it's just a matter of drilling it over and over again.
Like, you ever see a really good bowler like Ari's friend, Tommy?
But if he taught you how to bowl, if you watch him bowl, those guys, they throw that curveball where it comes spinning and it smashes into everything at an angle, and they can do it consistently over and over and over and over again to the point where they'll bowl pretty close to perfect games a lot, where they'll get real close to making eight, nine strikes in a row, and you're like, what the fuck?
When a guy like you or I, I don't know how you bowl, I bowl like shit.
And he would come to the comedy store and he would be depressed.
Like, he would get out of his house when he could.
When he could, he would come out and hang out with us in the real world.
I'll never forget this.
We were in the back bar, and it was just me and him, and it was the back bar era.
A lot of times, comedians gather there and talk, and he just goes, it's just so weird that I can be so good at making money in my online life and so bad at it in my real life.
He goes, I'm so good at being successful in this artificial life, but I can't get it together in my real life.
The concept that you can get The better at it, the more time you put in it because you get more stuff.
That's a really weird concept because that's not how it is in any other game.
In any other game, what's cool about playing Quake, right?
I hate to harp on Quake all the time, but I used to love playing it.
Was that you both start out like you guys were gonna have a death match you both start out with a hundred and fifty life points the same amount of Access to weapons.
You know you have like a little pistol like you have a little blaster and then you run around the map to try to find where the other weapons are so you have to know the map you have to know where the weapons are and when they spawn because they spawn in increments like every 15 20 seconds or something like forget what it is maybe a minute for some weapons maybe some weapons spawn differently so these guys had programs in their code Where it would alert them when the rocket launcher was about to spawn.
So they had it, like, timed into their code.
So they would receive little messages up on their screen that would let them know that rocket launchers are about to spawn.
So they'd run to get to the rocket launcher, because he who gets the rocket launcher first most likely wins the deathmatch.
Because these guys know the maps, and they start blasting each other.
Well then, everybody starts even.
Everybody starts even.
That's what's exciting about it.
It's a mad scramble.
If you got to a point where you could just fuck people up and turn their cities into dust and bring down fire and brimstone, that's too much.
Yeah, Tom Hardy's one of these guys that I didn't even know about until my girlfriend, who's like a huge movie buff, kept showing me movies, like, and she would always talk about how hot he is, and she's just like, this guy's fucking amazing.
And I'm like, you're just making me watch these Tom Hardy movies, because you have a crush on him.
And sure enough, this fucker won me over, like, big time.
There's a way they could do that with CGI. Well, what's interesting is that if the camera was locked off, Then, up until, I'm sure this movie, it's not locked off on everything.
So he's got to somehow or another act both sides of it.
I'm only assuming if he's physically in contact with someone, they would have to somehow or another get him to act out those scenes and replace his face on the other person's body or something along those lines.
He brought a different element when it was the Britney Spears thing.
When that Britney Spears thing was going on and she was shaving her head, and he was like, why are we doing this?
Why would we attack this girl?
And I think, in a lot of ways, his...
Like sort of reasonable approach to addressing the subject instead of like cracking jokes about it when it was like She was shaving her head and there's like you're looking at a person that's having some some serious stress and mental problems Probably and all we're doing is just piling on to that and he made this like really reasonable Measured plea and I remember thinking like wow that was a genuine thing like that wasn't a That didn't seem like some fake,
pumped-up PR move to try to get people to view him a different way.
But anyways, he made a video with Josh Robert Thompson where Josh Robert Thompson played George Lucas on his ranch, and he looks just like George Lucas.
And so when these guys come in with a premise or whatever, he'll just go, you know, if you go, and the crowd that already heard that premise and punchline, but it's all restructured, he just repeats it back because he has that math brain that's just like...
He's notoriously one of the most respected comedy writers around town.
Writing gigs that I've done, he's come up in every writer's room and everybody around a table that are working together always ends up talking about where and when they worked with Bob Oshak and how cool and nice he is.
I have that same thing with a few guys, and it's amazing because there's definitely a special bond that happens when you know that you start around the same time.
And you've known each other through the whole process of being fucking horrible, totally incompetent, but just starry-eyed for the idea of being a comic and chasing these dreams together.
Whether it's stuff like that, which is internet-based, which is almost all of the fucking specials that you're hearing about now are these internet-based specials.
And television shows that are internet-based.
I mean, Netflix is just, they have so much fucking programming now.
There's so many different things that you can watch that are internet-based that I think comics have, like most of us, have gotten to podcasts.
A giant amount of us.
And you realize, like, this is way more fun and way easier to do than a television show.
It's always silly, but I'm really glad you're doing your own as well because I think that it's gonna be I think it's gonna be real successful It's gonna be and so it's it's all it's it's something that you can pursue and like you could say I want to talk to this Interesting person.
I want to talk to this cool guy Like maybe I can get him on my podcast and then all of a sudden you get him and you're sitting there talking to this person and as a per as a human being If you're allowed to pursue your interests like that, it's very enriching.
And I think what the audience gets out of it, and that's such a fucking pompous word, but that is what it's like.
It's enriching.
And what the audience gets out of it, it's like they get to go on this really cool adventure with you.
And some of the best aspects of the adventure, like having conversations with these cool and funny and interesting people, they get to be in on them.
They get to sit there and be a part of like your little adventure through choosing your interests.
And so that's why I think everybody should, every like comic who has any interest in it whatsoever should have a podcast.
Because you get to see them go down their little, the adventure of their interests.
You know, like if you listen to Bill Burr's podcast, I don't pay attention to football.
It's the only part I can't listen to when he starts talking about football and they should have done this and the defense was that.
Because he's a football fucking fanatic.
But the rest of it is just Bill talking about how he's living his life and how he's going through his life.
And it's really interesting.
It's really interesting to follow someone, follow their interests, follow, like, what's curious to them.
Like, when you don't have any other agenda.
Like, when your agenda isn't, man, we need to get good ratings, we need to get some people in here that are doing some things that people are aware of, which is how you think of, like, every other talk show, right?
They all become almost generic in a way.
Because even, like, Letterman, who is, like, fiercely independent and very smart and just overly critical of, like, shitty stuff, And a smart guy, like, didn't like his own stuff half the time.
He would do his own show, and it would be brilliant, and he'd be like, fuck, I hate myself.
Like, he was crazy like that, right?
That was, like, the thing about Letterman.
But who did he have on his show?
Like, regular people, man.
Who's selling a fucking movie?
Who's selling a song?
Who's selling a this?
Who's got a TV show?
It's the same thing.
So Dave would have humorous conversations with these people and say funny stuff, but the bottom line is that's not who he chooses.
That's not what he wants to do.
If you could say, all cost aside, all consideration of ratings aside, who would you want to talk to, Dave?
Then you would get a chance to see.
But the way the system is set up, even though it's a fantastic system if it works out, and you get something like the Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show, which I think is excellent, I think Jimmy Fallon's the best Tonight Show guy ever.
If you heard his interview with Tim Ferriss, you would look at him in a different light.
I've always thought he was insanely talented.
The fact that he could play Ray Charles, and then he played the guy with mental illness that was a homeless guy who was a musician in the Robert Downey Jr. movie.
But literally, like, I go up there, and it was at the Irvine Improv.
It was insane.
This lady stood up during my set at one point, because I'm talking about this one part of one thing where I talk about how Trump's gonna win this shit, and here's why.
You know what I mean?
And basically, like...
This lady stands up, and you can tell that I'm a comedian on a stage.
Everybody else could, but this one lady out of 200 stands up and starts waving her arms, and she's like, stop, stop, stop.
I'm like, oh shit.
But I'm still staying in the pocket going with the joke for another 10 seconds.
But she's still like, stop!
Stop!
And my jokes were killing.
So I'm like, you motherfuckers.
So I bailed out and I go, what the fuck is your problem, lady?
What's going on?
unidentified
She's like, Donald Trump will never be our president.
I think at one point in time we're going to realize that the idea that we keep clinging to of a single guy that's in charge of the whole country is stupid.
Mm-hmm.
It doesn't make any sense.
Like, why would you have one person be in charge of anything?
Why not have, like, a gigantic team of people and why not have the influence of the public on a daily basis be tuned in to this gigantic group of people with, of course, reasonable filters for hysterics when something crazy happens and all of a sudden people want to nuke, you know, some country or something like that.
And for that system to change, what's amazing is, like, I think that we would have to have Well, there's some other things he says, like, I actually can...
Like the other day, I don't know, I was just walking out of a hotel and the news was on the TV and it says, you know, Trump says that Germany terrorist attacks are because they let those people in.
That's all that I saw.
And at first I'm like, yeah, what an idiotic thing to say.
And then I thought about it and it's like, well, they did let what?
Which is in this insane move was telling women how they should behave around these men and that they should stay within arm's length It's fucking crazy.
It's victim blaming.
I mean, they're resorting to victim blaming to try to take focus away from the fact that what they've done is they've let in a bunch of people from another culture who behave differently.
It's maybe not their fault.
Maybe, let's look at it this way.
This is the way they lived in their other country.
They're coming into your country, they're going to behave the way they've behaved all 37 years of their life.
Are we just going to invite a million Syrian refugees in America?
And if you look at the history of America, that's what people have always done.
We've always let in people from other countries who are trying to get away.
I mean, that's how this country got founded.
So ideally, we'd all want to say, yeah, these are the people that are running away from the people that are doing terrible things to them.
But you're going to get some shitheads.
You're definitely going to get some shitheads.
So how do you deal with that?
That's a good question.
I don't think that's a question for one person.
I mean, even one person in a cabinet and one person has, like, veto power and what...
Man, I think there should be a fucking team of PhDs and super smart motherfuckers who get evaluated on a regular basis for ego problems, alcoholism, all of the above.
If you're testing mixed martial arts fighters to see if they're on steroids, you should be testing congressmen and senators to see if they're fucking crazy.
What are they on?
What kind of fucking antidepressants are you on that's affecting your judgment?
How often do you take Valium?
How often do you take Ambien to go to sleep?
What happens?
Do you lose a sleep cycle there or something?
Is there some wacky non-sleep that's going on when you're Ambien'd out of your head?
He's a fiscally conservative guy who's open-minded in the sense of socially open-minded, in terms of how he views gay people and even recreational drug use and things along those lines.
He's very open-minded, almost like with a libertarian bent, but a Republican.
So it actually, he wasn't a bad choice.
He didn't do a great job.
But guess what?
You're dealing with a bunch of shit, a bunch of red tape and bullshit, and if you ever hear him describe his time in office, it's pretty interesting stuff.
Like, you don't realize, I think, from the outside, like someone like you or I, Have zero political aspirations or motivations.
Once you get in, man, you're dealing with this insane system of how things get done and how people will filibuster and people will block this because it'll anger their constituents because these people are paying for that and these people are paying you to make sure that this doesn't pass through because that'll get that through.
When someone's gone, what they actually thought and what they actually were like.
Because when you put it through the filter of what we know about how we describe other people and might be off about something or how people describe the past and they try to idealize certain aspects of it.
Like if it was made by his daughter, she wasn't alive when he was doing that.
So she's getting it from other people who were there, who, you know...
I feel like Montage of Heck is like a documentary about Kurt Cobain and Soaked in Bleach is a documentary about the possibility of Courtney killing him.
I'll tell you this, is that no matter what happened, it's unbelievable how bad the Seattle Police Department dropped the ball on that.
To walk in on some guy that just killed himself that's worth God only knows what.
I don't even know if they say during that, but...
You know, his collection has to be worth, what, at least a hundred million dollars or something crazy.
Because as long as you're a regular person that doesn't have the public's eye paying attention to the case with extreme scrutiny, and again, this is in 1994, right?
Today, it would be in social media, and it would blow up, and it'd be gigantic, and it'd be way more scrutiny.
But back then, they could kind of consolidate everything.
They could compartmentalize everything.
And they just shitted the whole thing up.
Their accounts differed from the first responders' accounts.
Their description of the room differed.
There's so much of it that was off.
They were terrible.
It was just they had never done a high-profile case, so their terrible police work hadn't been revealed to anybody that wasn't, like, the victim of it.
You know, someone who, I mean, I'm assuming that if they fucked up this case, they probably fucked up other ones as well.
I just spent a couple days on a top-secret project, but with cops.
I learned so much.
You learn a lot immediately about the current perception.
They're very defensive and it's incredible to watch.
So it got me more into...
I've been watching a lot of these police shootings and things.
There's not many where...
You know, if you're going for a gun, if you have your hand in your pocket and they're like, take your hand out of your pocket, you have to take your hand out of your pocket.
I don't have any sympathy for anyone who doesn't do that immediately.
And I get it.
There's like mental health issues and stuff.
And I think that's the exception to it.
And yeah, sometimes it's totally like you said, incident to incident.
Well, how can you see the media mess them up when there's all these videos of cops shooting people for no reason, doing terrible shit like planting evidence.
That guy that throws the taser down when he shoots that guy who's running away from him.
There's a lot of really hardcore video evidence of cops doing terrible things.
I think they just have to look at it in a balanced perspective.
The media's not doing anything wrong by reporting these things.
Like, if you saw something and you saw a cop, like, in a YouTube video do something...
He did something terrible.
When you see another cop, that guy, you're not in the same city.
You don't even know this guy.
This guy's just a person.
You don't make him responsible for something that some guy did in North Carolina, but kind of people do.
Kind of people do.
If you go and watch some YouTube video of some cop doing some horrible shit in the Oakland subway, and then all of a sudden you're in downtown LA and some cop looks at you funny like a fucking pig.
You know, like, you hate that guy because of something that someone else did that's in his organization that he most likely has never met in his life.
Imagine if we did that with people.
Imagine if some person did something fucked up in New York, and you're down in Florida, and you're like, you fucking piece of shit, and this guy's like, what are you talking about?
I know what you are, man.
You're a fucking person.
You're a regular dude with a dick, and I know what that guy did in New York, and you're just like him.
This one cop told me, you know, like a kid ran up to him the other day, like he's walking down a sidewalk or whatever.
Donut shop or somewhere.
And a little kid walks up and is like, hey, you know, hi, Mr. Officer.
Like a little, like, you know, three or four year old.
And some lady walks over and she grabs her little boy and is like, no, you stay away from these, you know, murders like that.
And had an in-depth talk with this police officer.
And it's like...
Not only is that terrible that they're being called a murder, but imagine the feeling of knowing that that's the next generation and that's the type of things that they're being taught about police officers right now.
I think in one way I look at it that the police are necessary and that we need police because we have too much crime and we have too much violence.
The way it is now is like they're our shield that protects us from...
Bad people.
But another part of me looks at it and says that The dynamic of a person in control with ultimate lethal power and then everyone else around them is a bad dynamic.
The dynamic in and of itself can create conflict.
Because there's always going to be resistance to this idea of someone who lives amongst you, who has ultimate power over you, and who, if the chips go down the wrong way, they might shoot you and kill you.
And they can get away with that.
And they could say you attacked them or you were reaching for something they thought was a gun.
Who knows what kind of personal vendetta they might have against you.
Who knows what kind of stress they might have been under when they pulled the trigger.
But they could do it to you.
They're allowed to have a gun on them.
And you can't.
Even if you're a guy who's never done anything wrong and you're walking around, you're gonna feel weird around cops.
Like, maybe you'll respect them.
Intellectually, you'll say, thank you for your service.
I appreciate everything you guys are doing.
Stay safe.
But in the back of your head, you fucking know that if things got ugly, they could shoot you.
Like, if somehow or another you got in an altercation with them, you go towards them and you're in somehow or another way threatening or physical, they'll gun you down.
They'll gun your dog down.
If your dog starts running at them and barking, we've seen videos of that.
Yeah, and imagine, you know, you pull someone over, and there's some Brock Lesnar-looking motherfucker sitting in the driver's seat, and he doesn't want to make eye contact to you, and says, what did I do wrong, officer?
Did you see the video that was released like two days ago from Boston of a guy recording his ex-girlfriend just breaking his windows, scratching his car.
Then he goes outside to be like, look what she did.
She, like, crushed my bumper.
And then out of nowhere...
Like she just comes from behind going like 50 miles an hour.
my rear windshield oh my god Yeah, and at the beginning, she broke windows in his house, and he's in the house, like, she's breaking my windows in my house now.
She got him arrested earlier, like previously, because he was at his brother's house or something, and She just said he was beating her up and the cops came and arrested him.
And fun fact, if you Google her name, Jamie, or his name, I don't know if you can find this, but they actually were a rap duo and they have rap videos together.
I've gotten to work and hang out with Snoop Dogg quite a bit, and he has an Asian guy who his only job, and he's the best at it, is rolling blunts.
And he just rolls blunts, and he's just the best blunt roller, and it just comes up, and it's like, hey, this is, you know, I don't remember his name exactly, but it's like, this is blah, blah, blah, he's the blunt roller guy.
And he just, and when you hit it, it just is like, you, it's like a rate laser coming at you.
Yeah, you would think that the blunts, I wonder what kind of paper they're using.
Are they using, like, legit blunt?
Which is, uh, what a blunt is, for folks who are not aware, is they take a cigarette, um, or rather a cigar, and, uh, take the tobacco out and then put weed in and roll it up together.
And, uh, I never had one until I hung out with Charlie Murphy and his cousin Rich.
Well, I think Twitter, because of the fact that you can see all that stuff, there's maybe more of a limit in as far as what kind of ads they'll get.
Whereas, maybe Instagram, because they've been proactive in censoring people's material, censoring the images and stuff that you're allowed to put up, maybe they can sell more of those sponsored Instagram ads that way.
If you're watching The Walking Dead and they're about to get jacked by zombies and it fucking fades to black and it's, don't you want your car to shine like new?
I remember when we were making the show The Burn a couple years ago on Comedy Central, a Jeff Ross show, and I wrote and produced it.
It was the only show that I ever watched on TV because I was always doing stand-up and stuff, and I didn't even have a TV. This was like four or five years ago.
Anyway...
But, going into every commercial break during this comedy show that's at 10.30 at night, it was always a life alert commercial.
Like, straight into, like, I've fallen and I need help.
I'm dying here.
You know what I mean?
Like, who's gonna save your grandma if you don't have life alert?
And it's like...
And it's like, now back to your comedy experience.
It's like AMC and, you know, the Independent Film Channel, IFC and all these different channels.
Those are cable.
They can do whatever they want.
Like, they have to censor themselves to ensure that they get the right ads.
So they self-censor just to get ads.
It's not like that.
ABC, CBS, NBC, those are governed by the FCC. And so when you're on television, you're not allowed to swear.
You're not allowed to.
There's a law.
But on cable, there's no fucking laws.
That's why they say shit now.
They say asshole.
There's a lot of shows that get real close to saying fuck you, but they don't really say fuck you.
But they get real close.
And that's because they're on cable.
The only reason why they don't do everything, full nudity, do whatever they want, is ads.
That's it.
That's why HBO gets away with just going buck wild.
No ads.
But try getting people to pay for shit.
Today, if they don't produce things like Game of Thrones, if they don't have specials like Whitney Cummings specials, if they don't have a lot of original content, Amy Schumer's last special, a lot of original content where people are going to seek it out specifically, big-time fights whenever they have big-time fights on HBO. If it's not that, it's hard getting people to pay today.
I feel like it's hard for the middle of the country, I think, is making the transition now, but Netflix is up to over 75 million subscribers or something like that.
Well, because he would probably start fucking her and she would interfere in his business and, you know, if she was hot especially and they're around each other all the time, at a certain point in time she'd start complaining about not getting any dick.
You know, you're finding a human, what you want is a robot.
You know, you want a replicant, like Blade Runner style, which we're going to have.
It's going to happen.
It's 20 years away.
We're 20 years away from going over someone's house and they have a replicant.
You're going to go over your buddy's house and he's going to have a Chinese lady with giant ridiculous tits and a waist that doesn't seem to be possible for the size of her tits and ass that's out of this world and she's going to be cleaning up and you're not going to be sure if she's real or not.
You're going to be like, um, what's that?
Is that a person?
Is this a person or is that a replicant?
And he'll pull you into the fucking kitchen, and he'll explain it to you.
Do you think when we get close to that, that they're going to first just let them out into the world and try to fool everybody to see if they can do it?
Well, think about all the negative aspects of people, right?
Jealousy and anger and that lady fucking their homicidal rage smashing into that dude's car and then breaking all those windows.
Think about all those negative aspects of being a person.
Now think of all the positive aspects, all the great things that people can do when they're wonderful to you and they're nice and supportive and loving and friendly and caressing and affectionate.
What if, like, you were the really, really wealthy guy, and you had yourself a Barnesworth, and Barnesworth did a wonderful job, but Barnesworth had ambitions of his own, and Barnesworth left.
And he left to start his own business, and that business was ultimately a gigantic success.
Boy, it took off.
But your business?
Well, the internet came along and gutted it, and record companies just weren't making any money anymore.
Those record stores, they don't exist, and you owned a chain of them, and that's how you had Barnsworth.
The few times that I've gotten to fly first class, I mean, just having somebody come up once in a while and be like, is there anything I can get for you?
You know what's funny is last time I did a podcast with you we talked about puns and I defended puns and I said only people that can't make puns I've been getting, like, smashed in my Twitter mentions in a great way.
Like, people send me, like, funny things that they thought of, and it's, like, my favorite thing.
Now people are like, hey, this happened today, crazy pun, right?
Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they send me the thing.
You follow Tony from the outside where he's smoking in front of the headliner spot in the parking alley into the club and on stage and it never misses a beat.
I fell in love with him the first time that I saw him.
I was hosting that night and they were making some little promo video for the Comedy Store and it was the first time that I ever saw him on stage.
And they asked me to interview, you know, just walk around and explain how potluck works because they wanted to make a little two-minute video for the comedy.
So I think it's still on their website, actually.
And I talked to him and I met him that night and I go, what do you do for work?
He goes, I'm a manager at a McDonald's, like an hour outside of Los Angeles.
I'm like, you have such an interesting look and you sound so funny.
But he looked at me so disappointed when he goes, Alright, what do you want me to make for you?
I'm going back.
I'm going to make something.
And I go, Whatever you want.
I don't eat meat and I don't eat dairy.
And the look he gave me.
It was like Emperor Palpatine electricity out of nowhere and you're just like...
Oh my god 31 years this guy's been my dad and I've never gotten a look of like he stopped and looked at me Confused and sort of like turned his head like a dog.
Well, nobody out of all the years, out of everything, it's been, you know, it was like five or six years of vegetarianism, veganism, but I eat fish, so it's like pescatarian, but I don't eat dairy, so it's weird.
Anyway, nobody's busted my balls more about it than Brian Redband here and our very good friend Pete, because I hang out with them all the time.
And so something happened, and I just sort of like, after the few days of being back and being like, I wonder how good my dad's...
I mean, the seafood pasta that he made for me was the most mind-bending seafood pasta I've ever had in my life, but there was something about the look that he gave me.
In which it's like, do you have any idea what you're missing out on, you fucking idiot?
Those things, they have a similar effect to Viagra and Cialis.
They have a similar effect in being like, somehow or another, it aids the blood flow or it stimulates the blood flow.
A lot of those same drugs are banned in the Olympics, like Viagra and Cialis is banned in the Olympics because it's actually a performance-enhancing supplement.
Not that they judge you when you're fucking, but that your muscles...
The reason why your dick gets harder, everything gets bigger.
You get harder.
Your body has more resources available for a brief amount of time.
At least they determined enough to make it illegal in the Olympics.
Taking Salis and Viagra sucks when you're working out, though, because you can't control it when you're on the treadmill and stuff, so you just have crazy boners and all these guys.
There's this stuff called synth oil that some crazy people shoot into their bodies to make it look like they have giant muscles.
But they don't really have giant muscles.
They have these oil-swollen limbs that don't look real.
So it looks like they have fake boobs on their arms, fake boobs on their shoulders, fake boobs on their boobs.
There's a weirdness to it, where you can tell that the guy's not really strong, but he has these crazy, fake, giant arms that don't look real at all, and giant traps.
She would always just throw up everything that she had.
But an amazing documentary.
Oh my god.
It starts with this...
There's like so much old video footage of her.
And it starts with her hanging out with her friends.
And they're singing happy birthday to one of their friends.
There's like five girls all hanging out.
And they're just like little girls.
Like, I don't know, 10, 11 or 12. And they're all singing Happy Birthday, and then she keeps going on this solo, and you're like, oh my gosh, already totally a star.
She has that Amy Winehouse fucking voice that just kills.
No, I love it also, the documentary, because she was amazing.
She just had pipes, and she has that cool old bluesy fucking big band feel that just gets me pumped up.
Well, heroin has some sort of connection to like this deep moody pain that a lot of blues singers and a lot of jazz musicians and a lot of a lot of rock and roll stars figured out a way to tap into and find some resource of creativity in that realm.
It's just so destructive to your body while you're there.
It's just so devastating.
The fact that you're a junkie, you're not taking care of your health.
And it's not even necessarily even primarily the effects of heroin, but the side effects of the lifestyle of being a junkie, that the lack of sleep and the terrible life and the terrible food and just the chaos.
You know, that's that's what cripples them all.
It crushes them all.
There's people that are like functional junkies that exist for a long time.
They can live for a long time.
It's weird.
Even being an alcoholic, it's not just the alcohol.
It's also the lifestyle that you live.
This unhealthy lack of sleep, lack of recovery, lack of nutrients.
It's not just the alcohol.
It's the fact that because you're throwing all this alcohol down your shithole, It's affecting your whole body.
Those decisions to drink that much booze that affects everything you do.
You're not going to drink that much booze and also eat an incredibly nutrient-rich organic diet.
You're going to go to Air One and get a fucking salad bar.
You're not going to do that.
You're a drunk.
It all goes bad.
And I think with a lot of these junkies, they just give in to the fucking sound.
You also see that she had this amazing voice her whole growing up and she wanted to be a musician and she was doing good and she was doing good and good and good and good and then she started heroin.
And then it's like, immediately, you know, even the documentary shows, and it's like, alright, and she started doing heroin, all of a sudden it goes from these tiny little jazz clubs to, like, amphitheaters to whole new songs, you know, Rehab, the album Back to Black or Back in Black, which is just all hits, like, out of this world.
And that's what's incredible is that that always blows my mind is that's how it ends up happening when we take our little, like, the holiday that Ari Shaffir started Shroomfest.
So once a year we go out there in the middle of the beautiful desert.
You wait until the moon's at its brightest of the year, the supermoon.
And it's always incredible how quiet and beautiful it gets.
All these guys, like six, seven...
I guess it's normally like five, six, seven comedians that spend every other night talking.
You see them...
We all end up scattering.
It's not like we're sitting by a campfire or anything.
And you see little starry outlines of like, oh, that's Ryan Mervis over there just standing there.
It's amazing how quiet that beautiful desert can be with these personalities.
It gives you a chance to look at yourself in a way that you probably would never be able to get to without it.
And it'll give it to you for a short window.
You get to see yourself.
You get to see life.
You get to see intention.
Yeah.
You get to see the past, you get to see the present, you get to see it all combined together in some strange light of this otherworldly intelligence, this weird, like, overwhelmingly powerful new thought process that's going on in your head, where you're just overwhelmed and you're seeing things and the visualizations when you close your eyes are spectacular.
Like, that's the one thing that makes people better.
Like, we know it.
Like, John Hopkins University did the whole thing.
They did a thing on people that were dying.
People that had...
No, actually, it was personality.
That was a different one.
They did one on people that are dying.
They gave them psilocybin and significantly alleviated their stress levels.
And then they did another one on people.
The John Hopkins one was they had these people do a psychedelic experiment, psychedelic experience, and then like over a decade later, they were still saying that the quality of their life significantly changed after that experience.
A lot of them were saying it.
There's a lot of benefits to a lot of these different things that they made illegal in 1970. We just got to face up to the facts.
We got fucked by the same people that had Nixon in power, Lyndon Johnson and those type of people.
We shouldn't be held prisoner to these old ways of thinking.
But I think that law enforcement and a lot of people that control laws and have laws in place, they're very reluctant to give up a law or to admit that all the arrests that they made were unjust.
Because it opens up this giant box of shit, you know, like looking at all these people that are in jail for nonviolent drug crimes.
Now those drugs are legal.
What the fuck do you do with all those people in jail?
And the premise is that, like, you know, he was in prison for all those years, so maybe he did do this, and if he did do this, he did it because he learned these bad ways in prison.
Which brings it back to the jug people, is it's like they might go in being a pot dealer and come out being a rapist murder because they jerked off for months to their bunkmate's fantasy that he told them, oh yeah, I tied this bitch up and it was the most fun.
And they're like, wow, that sounds interesting.
And they get out and just start doing crazy stuff like that.
And then you hear about things like that guy in Pennsylvania, that judge, that was sending these kids to juvenile detention, sending these kids up the river for like nothing because he was getting paid for it.
That guy, he's in jail now.
But he was selling children to prisoners, to prisons, to private prisons.
Essentially, that's what he was doing.
It was a scam.
He was being paid off to continue to supply them with prisoners.
So he was taking these kids and just...
Ruining their lives like ruined countless people's lives took people for minor offenses.
They should have never done time They're just kids and just locked them up and fucked them over and then kept them trapped and imagine how terrified you'd be your 15 16 year old kid and you do some normal kid shit and all sudden you get railroaded through this justice system and this guy who's corrupt Sends you to a detention to get you away from your parents and all sudden you're locked up in some fucking juvenile center somewhere with a bunch of real legit criminals Fuck man.
I think you put them in a stormtrooper type of setup and just make them a soldier and ship them around the country and program them to only be able to do certain things.
If someone came along, what if someone was in a motorcycle accident and they were essentially brain dead and some doctors came along and said that they have the ability to turn this guy into a soldier robot and he could go fight for his country?
Like, your brother's dead, Tony, but we can keep him alive and have him go defend his country.
Yeah, I just did the fighter and the kid and it actually came up that like, they're like, you know, are you doing all new stuff now?
And I talked about how, you know, working with you being, you're one of the few guys in the whole game that also, you know, I mean like generates, not also, you're one of the few comedians that has like a new hour a year.
You have to.
You have to.
Even though you've never said to me personally, like, you need to write more material.
Like, it naturally, I think, rubs off that, you know, you gotta just keep going and plowing.
Like, if you can do it with an hour and a half or two hours after my half hour, then I should be doing it with my half hour, you know?
Yeah, and I also like to bounce in and out once in a while of crowd work and improvising stuff on stage.
So that's also mixed into things.
And that's also part of the reason why I shot this in one shot.
Because I just went with my gut.
And I'm like, if things go off the track, that's normally when I shine.
You see, sometimes when we do our shows at those big theaters, I'll do a thing where...
I'll roast people, a group of people, if they come in late.
And I warn the crowd in the beginning, like if somebody comes in late, I'm going to light them up.
Our little secret, okay?
And the place just loves it.
And I love that, you know, just improvising in the moment.
I love that pressure.
I love like that feeling of like, you know, like being a quarterback and you feel like that linebacker coming, but you still have to get rid of the ball.
You have to just stay calm and deliver.
And I think part of the reason why I did it all in one shot is because I knew that if something, which it didn't at all, and I didn't end up doing any crowd work, and I sort of was half planning, like I was towing the line right before I went on, like, you know, you know, Anything can happen.
I knew that I only had one show, which is rare in itself when shooting a special, to only have one show and one audience and one camera.
And I was ready to do crowd work, but I just sort of, you'll see in like the first 15 seconds, I just sort of like, you know, just saying hello.
Yeah, I ended up just on material, and it sort of stayed on track.
There was a part where, I don't know, 35-40 minutes in or something, my throat goes completely dry, which never happens, but I was sort of choked up a little bit, and I take a sip of my water that's sitting there, and I go, most comedians take a sip of their drink when they're getting a huge applause break.
This is a special special.
Then they just giggled, because they all know Hey, I gotta take a leak.
I mean, naturally, you know, after doing that, I mean, there's always like, you know, things that change or different.
Like, for example, like I close with, you know, even in March, I had a different version of the Cosby thing that I do now, but a totally different joke entirely.
It was, because my Cosby joke now has everything to do with how he admitted to giving girls quaaludes in order to rape them.
And the Cosby joke that's on one shot just covers the fact that, like, basically it's all these little white girls that hooked up with a rich black man for the first time, and they just felt dizzy because his dick was so good.
I pissed in a car once in a Mountain Dew bottle or something like that, like whatever I had, like some sort of a soda bottle, and got pissed all over my fucking hands.
But, like, other ones, you have to also use two hands, because you want to hold your dick over the hole, and you want to hold the bottle, and you can't do that while you're driving, so you're trying to, like...
Get your dick in between your two fingers and then use like your ring finger and your thumb to kind of hold the bottle while you're squeezing your dick through.
I used to know this guy who would take a Mountain Dew bottle, Mountain Dew or ginger ale, one of those green plastic bottles, and he would fill it up with booze, and he would drink it all day long.
He was like a serious, serious alcoholic that I worked with on this construction site when I was a kid.
It was weird, man.
He would just drink all day.
It scared me.
It scared me watching him, because this guy who would just drink this stuff all day, and it was only a day or two into the job that I realized that it was booze, talking to people.
He would drink malt liquor.
Just all day.
All day.
Just drink a fucking...
And he lived in this house.
The house had no electricity.
Most of the windows were out.
We were working on it.
We were renovating this house, and he lived in it while we were renovating it.
He worked with the guy who owned the construction company that was renovating the house.
And I'm pretty sure...
It was foggy, to remember, because I was a teenager.
But I'm pretty sure the guy who was renovating the house also owned it and was fixing it up.
And so this guy was living in it at the time, when it was like gutted out, just raw wood, no insulation, some windows are missing, and just some of the floor was missing.
And this guy would just get wasted all day, just drink, and shake.
Hands would shake.
And even on his hammer and nails and shit, his hands are shaking.
Carrying things out.
He was just deep in the web of addiction.
Did you ever see anybody like that when you were young?
Because you grew up in a rough neighborhood, right?
He's like the head bartender at all the best places in Columbus over the past 20 years or whatever.
And that even Columbus has a culture for it, but also I don't think a lot of people know that the restaurant industry has a real, real, real culture for it.
Everybody that works in fine dining restaurants goes out and gets shit faced every year, like 80, 90 percent of the people because you're taking care of people all the time.
Three months sober, which if you would have told me three months ago that he'd actually stopped drinking, you know, I would have said that's very hard to do.
I wonder if mushrooms were legal and if they had real treatment centers, how many people would be cured of diseases like that?
I want to say diseases, addictions like that.
How many people would be cured of a lot of different things that they've been struggling with psychologically?
We use Ibogaine here in America, which is super effective in Mexico and a lot of other countries where it's legal, where they use it for treatment for addictive diseases.
It's supposed to be incredible for kicking people off of pills and opiates.
It literally reprograms your addictive tendencies in your system somehow.
The government paid for tests on psilocybin at Carnegie or Harvard or Cornell or some stuff, and they kept finding that it cured chronic depression on people that they had given up and just said, it's for life.
Remember how I used to use that when I had my nose operation?
When I had my nose chewed open, I had a really bad scar tissue inside my nose, and I had a deviated septum, and a lot of the scar tissue was like, it comes calcified, because if you've been hitting the nose a few times, if it bleeds inside your nose, it's like cauliflower ear, but inside your nose.
So they cut away all this different tissue and opened up this passage, and then to clean it, I used to use a water pick.
So I'd squirt the water pick up one nostril, and it would be pouring out the other nostril, and I would blow out these fucking titanic boogers.
They looked like they were from another planet.
They were giant, covered in blood, and they were like the size of a thumb.
Like they would come out and I would treasure them.
I go, dude, I just fucking blew the most insane booger out of my nose.
I go, do you want to see it?
He goes, okay.
Okay.
Open it up and it's like just it's like rubber cement glue So like as you pull the pages aside the booger was so big that it just didn't seem like it come out of a human didn't make any sense and he's Immediately if you have to get that done though folks if you find a good doctor I know some people have had bad experiences with a doctor that didn't really know what they're doing That was a life-changer for me to get my nose cleaned up so I could breathe A neti pot.
When you had that crazy shit the other day and you're like pushing your kids out of your way and everything, do you remember what you ate or what caused that?
If you don't know what it is, there's Fogo de Chal, Texas de Brazil, those are the chains, but there's a bunch of independent chuhascarias.
In a Brazilian-style barbecue, what it is is you have a chip, and one side is green and the other side is red.
And when it's green, they come over with these trays of meats, like sausages and chicken wrapped in bacon and filet mignon and picanha, which is like top sirloin, which is like the best one.
And it's unlike, like, a regular steak where they come over and they slice pieces on the outside and they put them on your plate, and then they go back to cooking it again.
I go, he's been working out for like 24 hours and he already looks better.
She goes, that's impossible.
I go, no, I just think Brian was so unhealthy that literally, if he doesn't poison himself for a few hours, you start to turn into Tom Hardy or something.
And a lot of cool guest appearances in it, like Joey Diaz brings me on stage, and Brian Redband, I high-five because he goes in and goes up after me while check drop happens and stuff, because it was a real show.
it i envisioned it home two weeks out when i booked it with by the way super huge shout out for the ice house sean sullivan over there two weeks out goes two weeks before i shot this he goes hey you want to headline the ice house is saturday 7 30 i go yes and quick question would you mind if i taped it with one camera in an attempt to shoot a special and he goes absolutely that'd be awesome i go oh okay Okay, bye!
And, like, you know, the rest is, like, history.
He was there that night.
In fact, a fun fact about that is, if you noticed, when we saw the trailer, there was one guy that sort of, like, walked off.
That's Sean, which I think is so cool.
It's like a perfect little tiny, tiny, tiny cameo.
You'd have to really pause it at the right moment to see him.
He was always, like, ramping up, becoming more and more famous every year.
But once his Netflix special came out, and it was probably his best special to date, he just smashed it and then became a guy who sold out Madison Square Garden.
And that's...
That easily could happen to you.
It could happen to Segura, too.
Segura's new special is even better than his other one.
When Brian and I do the road, when we go to ones that we drive to, like if it's a San Diego or a Phoenix or a San Fran or a Sacramento, which is the majority of the places that we do go, it's the only podcast that we listen to.
We're so lucky that something like Netflix exists.
Because if you do a special on anything else, like say if you do an HBO special, they air it whenever they air it.
You know, they might air it once, they might air it twice, they might air it a few other times, they might air it randomly at 3 o'clock in the morning on some special night.
And with their amazing algorithms, the people that would like it are going to get a shot at it, you know?
Everybody has a different...
Screen when they turn theirs on based on what they watched and if they liked it and if they rated it and even if you don't rate things It still knows you that their algorithm is like world world world class.
So yeah, you know though I didn't know this the ratings on Netflix movies like if it says like four stars or whatever That's not actually the rating or the movie.
It's what they think you would say the rating is and What?
Yeah, so there was one movie I watched the other day, and I was like, how is it half a star?
That movie sucks so bad, but really, it has a half a star?
And I was like, oh, wait, if you look at somebody else's, it would be like three stars.
You know, people, like, they've hacked iTunes ratings.
They figured out how to get higher ratings and pretend they have more downloads or have, like, multiple different...
Like, there's services that'll, like, download your shit just to, like, juice up your ratings and add comments.
And, like...
The algorithms that someone like iTunes has, they're easier to manipulate because they're based on downloads, they're based on comments, and they're based on new people.
So if you just have a bunch of new people sign up and then they leave a comment and they download it, it'll jump you up in the rankings.
It's kind of interesting.
But I guess you can only sign up for iTunes so many times though, right?
And it has your public name on there, so it's like, even if you use your account, you don't want to be like, this sucks, and then have your real name on there.