Jan. 13, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:44:14
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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*Wild voice* Oh fuck yeah. | |
| Here we go. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe is in the house. | ||
| Brian Redman is in the house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. | |
| And we've been talking about turning your cum off with a light switch. | ||
|
unidentified
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How's that work? | |
| It's like a little switch that's in your inner leg or something like that. | ||
| And if you want to make a baby, it turns on your cum or your sperm. | ||
| So it's like a sperm switch. | ||
| But they made it look like a light switch instead of having it, you know, like some weird button or something. | ||
| Put it up on the screen again, please. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| So it's in between your legs? | ||
| Like, what if you're jogging? | ||
| Does it just go on and off and on and off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, it is a light switch. | ||
| Come on, this isn't real. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Why am I seeing that guy's dick? | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| Why is he semi? | ||
| He's so big. | ||
| He's semi. | ||
| Okay, look at this. | ||
| Alright, so what they're showing us is... | ||
| Can we hear this? | ||
|
unidentified
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Is it okay if we hear it? | |
| It's like Andy Richter. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| I love this guy's accent. | ||
| Please start him from the beginning because it makes it even better. | ||
| He speaks in a slightly broken English. | ||
| Is that Andy Richter and his brother? | ||
|
unidentified
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...in order to begin the medical approval procedure. | |
| The human male's testicles produce millions of sperm cells every day. | ||
| These cells flow through the spermatic ducts and then combine with seminal fluids, which are then ejaculated. | ||
| I feel like Thomas Edison would be so disappointed if he saw what his technology was being used for now. | ||
| Thomas Edison invented dick switches? | ||
| Well, like, switches, I guess. | ||
| Power on and off. | ||
| Why is it more humorous? | ||
| Because this gentleman has an accent. | ||
| Why would they spend so much time making the texture of the balls in the dick that realistic? | ||
| Because they want you to know they're not playing games. | ||
| So this is insane. | ||
| You can feel the switch and you can flip it back and forth. | ||
| That is so fucking crazy. | ||
| And what are the odds that a girl who wants a baby is not going to reach back and click that switch while she's rubbing your balls? | ||
| Which is the perfect time to hit the switch if you really wanted to make a baby. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like, let them release the hounds! | |
| And whenever there be cum still in the tube, you know, like the end of the tube? | ||
| Hmm, good question. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's an issue, right? | ||
| Doesn't it like stay inside your dick hole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, it doesn't all come out in one blast, and sometimes it can come out in the next blast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do I know? | ||
| It seems fake. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| I mean, I don't understand. | ||
| If you got an operation to get all that stuff put in, just get a vasectomy. | ||
| Make a decision. | ||
| Stand by it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It seems like in America, these type of things are becoming more and more attractive to us, like an instant solution to anything that we got going wrong. | ||
| Oh, we're going to come up with new retinas. | ||
| And these retinas, they're artificial retinas. | ||
| You put them in your eyes and you can see 2,200 or 20... | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| Like, 2200 would be terrible. | ||
| Like, 25. 2020 is like normal, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| 4020. No, that's worse too, right? | ||
| Isn't that better? | ||
| That's twice... | ||
| I don't think it is. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I don't think, I think it's always been like low numbers are really good. | ||
| Like pilots would say, I have 2015 vision. | ||
|
unidentified
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I see an eagle attacking a salmon from a mile away. | |
| You know, like people are always like super proud of their vision. | ||
| Like really good vision. | ||
| Like whoa, amazing. | ||
| You see clearly. | ||
| So lower would be better? | ||
| Like 420 would be the best? | ||
| 420! | ||
| No, it's too high on one side. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What's perfect on one side, right? | ||
| 20 is 20. 2020. Right. | ||
| What the fuck does that even stand for? | ||
| Maybe we should know that. | ||
| What you see at 20 feet, the first 20 is what a normal person sees at 20 feet, and then what you see at 20 feet. | ||
| So you see, if you have 2200, you see what a normal person sees at 200 feet at 20 feet, because your vision sucks. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| That actually totally makes sense. | ||
| What a drag. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| Do you have perfect vision, Tony? | ||
| My vision is unbelievable. | ||
| I can read anything. | ||
| It's like insane. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| It's a lot of fun. | ||
| Have you always had that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should probably be really good at something like darts or something like that. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, I can see that. | ||
| I would think that something along those lines where it'd be super precise. | ||
| I don't play darts, but I would imagine that it's probably pretty fun with all that pressure to get a bullseye. | ||
| It seems kind of silly. | ||
| You're throwing a metal stick at a thing, but those dudes seem to be having a good time. | ||
| I'm a hell of a shot. | ||
| I was a natural. | ||
| With a dartboard? | ||
| With an actual gun. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I shot discus one time. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do they call that? | |
| Pigeons? | ||
| Pigeons? | ||
| Clay pigeons? | ||
| And I was like 13 or 14 and I was clipping them. | ||
| And I remember this group of old guys standing behind my mom's boyfriend that took me. | ||
| Just like, holy shit. | ||
| I'm terrible with a shotgun. | ||
| I did a Burt Kreischer show. | ||
| We had one of those clay shoot-off things. | ||
| I hit like one. | ||
| How do you get good at a shotgun? | ||
| It's just practice. | ||
| You have to understand how you're orientating the sight on it. | ||
| It's a little more tricky than like a hunting rifle where the sight is magnified. | ||
| With a shotgun, for the most part, unless it has a scope on it, most of the times they don't, you're using the barrel of the gun to line up where the bullets are going to go. | ||
| But any variation up or down by the slightest amount Results in a big deviation of the intended path of the weapon. | ||
| So if you're trying to shoot straight and your thing is just kind of at him but not really, it'll go over his head. | ||
| So you have to line up this little thing in the front, which is like a little tiny nub. | ||
| Like a U. And then the thing in the back, the thing in the back is the U. And you're looking, you're trying to line the two of them up. | ||
| So there's like this little V and you're trying to put this pin in between the little V and hold it there as you squeeze the trigger and don't flinch. | ||
| So there's a lot involved in it. | ||
| It takes practice. | ||
| But once you get, it's like anything else, like archery or bowling. | ||
| You know, once you understand the technique behind it, then it's just a matter of drilling it over and over again. | ||
| Like, you ever see a really good bowler like Ari's friend, Tommy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is that guy's name? | ||
| Tommy... | ||
| Mottolo? | ||
| What the fuck is his name? | ||
| He gave me a... | ||
| Alright, you'll find it, right? | ||
| You'll know it. | ||
| He's a really good dude, whoever that guy is. | ||
| Tallarino, right? | ||
| No, no, Tommy. | ||
| Jamie will figure it out. | ||
| Let him figure it out. | ||
| We'll talk. | ||
| But if he taught you how to bowl, if you watch him bowl, those guys, they throw that curveball where it comes spinning and it smashes into everything at an angle, and they can do it consistently over and over and over and over again to the point where they'll bowl pretty close to perfect games a lot, where they'll get real close to making eight, nine strikes in a row, and you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| When a guy like you or I, I don't know how you bowl, I bowl like shit. | ||
| Like shit. | ||
| I just bowl that fucking thing straight. | ||
| Tommy Dilutes. | ||
| Tommy Dilutes. | ||
| Great guy, by the way. | ||
| Super fucking nice guy. | ||
| He's hung out with us a couple of times. | ||
| And he's a pro bowler. | ||
| So if that guy taught you how to bowl, like he could teach you the technique, then it would just be a matter of you wanting to keep working at it. | ||
| Whether it's... | ||
| Whether it's archery or whether it's darts or anything, man. | ||
| It's just a matter of someone showing you how to do it, you figuring out what's best for you, and then numbers. | ||
| That's why people don't like to get good at shit. | ||
| The numbers involved. | ||
| They're nuts. | ||
| If you want to be a professional golfer, Do you know what kind of numbers you have to put in? | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All the practice and all the fucking knocking. | ||
| And then you're like, man, this isn't going to work out. | ||
| And okay, if you say it's not going to work out, then I guess it's not going to work out. | ||
| Because it fucking worked out for Tiger Woods. | ||
| Fucking worked out for Jack Nicklaus. | ||
| How come it fucking worked out for them? | ||
| Because they got nutty. | ||
| Because someone taught them the technique, they started to compete, and then they got nutty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just gotta decide whether or not you want to get nutty. | ||
| And getting nutty is not the best idea in the world either. | ||
| A lot of those guys wind up fucking hitting the rocks. | ||
| They never stop at the beach. | ||
| Just fucking keep that gas going. | ||
| It's like stand-up. | ||
| In a lot of ways, yeah. | ||
| I think it's like everything. | ||
| Everything that represents you, you know, you focus on it. | ||
| And the more you focus on it, the better it gets at it. | ||
| And if you don't focus on it, it doesn't get better. | ||
| And if you do, it does. | ||
| And it's a matter of how much do you want to focus on it where you can enjoy the rest of your life? | ||
| What percentage of your life does it become? | ||
| It always amazes me that people get so great at video games. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| Did you ever meet Robert, the dude who was the old manager at the Comedy Store? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| What was his job there? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| He was like... | ||
| Talent? | ||
| Was he booking talent? | ||
| I don't know if he was doing that for a while. | ||
| Maybe he was doing that for a while. | ||
| Anyway, really good guy. | ||
| The Magic guy, right? | ||
| Magic the Gathering. | ||
| He was addicted to that. | ||
| He was addicted to EverQuest, I believe, at first. | ||
| Maybe it was Magic the Gathering. | ||
| Magic the Gathering is a card game, though, isn't it? | ||
| It's also a video game. | ||
| It's a video game, too. | ||
| I'm pretty sure he was an EverQuest junkie. | ||
| Bad man, like bad. | ||
| And he would come to the comedy store and he would be depressed. | ||
| Like, he would get out of his house when he could. | ||
| When he could, he would come out and hang out with us in the real world. | ||
| I'll never forget this. | ||
| We were in the back bar, and it was just me and him, and it was the back bar era. | ||
| A lot of times, comedians gather there and talk, and he just goes, it's just so weird that I can be so good at making money in my online life and so bad at it in my real life. | ||
| He goes, I'm so good at being successful in this artificial life, but I can't get it together in my real life. | ||
| And he was tired, and he looked pale. | ||
| And I'm like, this is a great guy. | ||
| He's a really nice guy. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, man. | ||
| This game is like a vampire. | ||
| He was making money on it? | ||
| No, you make money in the game. | ||
| You make gold coins so you can buy magic and shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| Am I saying that right? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| You level up the more you play. | ||
| So he was like king of kings. | ||
| You know, he had like a crazy player and everything like that. | ||
| King of kings. | ||
| Well, when you get really good, right, in EverQuest, like the higher you get, the more you can fuck people up. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You just become like invincible. | ||
| You can become a god. | ||
| If you're on that shit 24 hours a day for 10 years, no one can fuck with you. | ||
| They just can't fuck with you. | ||
| Isn't that how World of Warcraft is? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| They're encouraging addiction. | ||
| It's so obvious. | ||
| It's so obvious. | ||
| It's very clever. | ||
| But this is a money vampire. | ||
| They figured out a really entertaining money vampire. | ||
| Sucks it out of you. | ||
| South Park did one on it, and it's just unbelievably hilarious. | ||
| You know what's interesting? | ||
| The concept that you can get The better at it, the more time you put in it because you get more stuff. | ||
| That's a really weird concept because that's not how it is in any other game. | ||
| In any other game, what's cool about playing Quake, right? | ||
| I hate to harp on Quake all the time, but I used to love playing it. | ||
| Was that you both start out like you guys were gonna have a death match you both start out with a hundred and fifty life points the same amount of Access to weapons. | ||
| You know you have like a little pistol like you have a little blaster and then you run around the map to try to find where the other weapons are so you have to know the map you have to know where the weapons are and when they spawn because they spawn in increments like every 15 20 seconds or something like forget what it is maybe a minute for some weapons maybe some weapons spawn differently so these guys had programs in their code Where it would alert them when the rocket launcher was about to spawn. | ||
| So they had it, like, timed into their code. | ||
| So they would receive little messages up on their screen that would let them know that rocket launchers are about to spawn. | ||
| So they'd run to get to the rocket launcher, because he who gets the rocket launcher first most likely wins the deathmatch. | ||
| Because these guys know the maps, and they start blasting each other. | ||
| Well then, everybody starts even. | ||
| Everybody starts even. | ||
| That's what's exciting about it. | ||
| It's a mad scramble. | ||
| If you got to a point where you could just fuck people up and turn their cities into dust and bring down fire and brimstone, that's too much. | ||
| Everybody's got to be even. | ||
| Whereas your game's bullshit. | ||
| You just got a giant addiction thing going on. | ||
| You got an addiction pyramid scheme going on. | ||
| And you're talking to yourself in third person as if it wasn't you that did all this. | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| But I'm thinking about Robert because I'm thinking about the game of EverQuest. | ||
| And that's a way more addictive element. | ||
| Like the element of... | ||
| The longer you do it, the more power you have and the more you can accomplish, the more dragons you can slay and what have you. | ||
| What I was into was these crazy one-on-one death matches. | ||
| They were so fun. | ||
| And I was never good at them, man. | ||
| I used to get fucked up. | ||
| It wasn't a matter of me being successful at Quake. | ||
| It was the opposite. | ||
| I could never catch up. | ||
| I could be able to beat dudes who were clueless. | ||
| If some dude was clueless and he got into one of those maps with me, I could fuck him up. | ||
| But most of the time I got fucked Most of the time you're getting fucked up with these young kids who are so good. | ||
| Their fucking hand-eye coordination is designed through the game. | ||
| Because as they were children, they're using a mouse and keyboard. | ||
| As their little brains were forming connections with their fingertips, a lot of it involved moving a mouse. | ||
| Obama plays one of these, right? | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah, he's on, what's one of those, Halo or something like that? | ||
| What's one of those popular ones? | ||
| Halo is very popular. | ||
| Or Call of Duty, I think it might be, but he plays it. | ||
| I always think that that's so crazy to think that Obama is sometimes just chilling, just getting lit up by some seven-year-old kid. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Obama plays Titanfall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Titan? | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Xbox One. | ||
| It's similar to Call of Duty. | ||
| So is it a war game? | ||
| Yeah, so you're in mechs, so you're like running around and you can jump into big machines during the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay, like Transformers, that kind of thing. | |
| Wow, that's wild. | ||
| Who would have ever thought that? | ||
| So this is like that movie with fucking Wolverine? | ||
| Yeah, kinda. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| What's the Wolverine guy's name? | ||
| Hugh Jackman. | ||
| Australian. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| He hides his accent so well. | ||
| It's always weird when one of those guys talks in their regular accent. | ||
| You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Like, did you ever watch Homeland? | ||
| There's a guy named Brody who's in Homeland, and he plays a dude who was kidnapped and tortured by the terrorists. | ||
| Then he comes back to America, and he's kind of like... | ||
| He's acting as a pawn for the terrorists. | ||
| It's very fucking crazy. | ||
| But he sounds like a regular, almost like a Southern American, like a Texan, like a slight Texas accent on the show. | ||
| And then in real life, he talks with this crazy English accent. | ||
| And you hear him talk, and you can't believe it's the same man. | ||
| One of my favorite actors right now who I'm like obsessed with because I saw him on this show, Bloodline. | ||
| You heard of this show? | ||
| Bloodline, what's that? | ||
| Bloodline is a Netflix original series that came out like six months ago and it's basically about like this rich family that takes a vacation. | ||
| They like have this vacation in Hawaii and they all get together and shit just goes down. | ||
| With this family. | ||
| And you don't know who's covering up what. | ||
| And it's just all these diabolical characters. | ||
| Anyway, there's this guy named Ben Mendelsohn, who is a monster. | ||
| He's one of those guys that's just so compelling to watch. | ||
| Like, his face is always moving. | ||
| He plays like a bad guy in everything. | ||
| And I watched like six, seven of his movies going back and they're all amazing. | ||
| He's one of these like real actors. | ||
| And then I found out that he's just Australian. | ||
| But complete Australian dude. | ||
| Total Australian accent. | ||
| And he was my favorite American actor up until I found out he's from Australia. | ||
| There's a lot of killer actors from Australia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Russell Crowe's from Australia, right? | ||
| Isn't he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy there is a monster. | ||
| Think of how many fucking Australian accents. | ||
| Mel Gibson, Australian. | ||
| Think of how many of those guys. | ||
| What's Tom Hardy? | ||
| English? | ||
| English. | ||
| Tom Hardy's a badass. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| There's so many of them from over there. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Sometimes I don't even realize I was watching a Tom Hardy movie until the end of the movie and his name comes up and I'm like, who was Tom? | ||
| Oh my god, he was the main character the whole time. | ||
| He's another one, one of the only other guys, it's funny to bring him up because he's another one where I literally will look up their name. | ||
| Some of these guys, they actually read the scripts and pick the things that they want to do. | ||
| Well, he can at this point, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| That guy can act his ass off. | ||
| Sometimes he's like a ripped monster, like in Mad Max, and then sometimes he's built like me in these movies. | ||
| And it's like, how the hell? | ||
| Like, he's one of those guys that cuts weight and puts it on and really gets in a character. | ||
| He plays a... | ||
| I can't remember the name of it, but in one of these things, he's a twin. | ||
| So he's playing the two lead characters, because it's him and his twin the entire character. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's playing the Cray brothers, right? | ||
| Remember that movie, The Crays? | ||
| It was out a long time ago. | ||
| It was basically on the same brothers. | ||
| There's two brothers who were into organized crime in England. | ||
| They're legendary. | ||
| And he's playing both of them. | ||
| The last time he did it, I think they had two actual twins in the last version of it. | ||
| Which is probably, they had to settle for whatever actors they could get that were twins. | ||
| Yeah, Tom Hardy's one of these guys that I didn't even know about until my girlfriend, who's like a huge movie buff, kept showing me movies, like, and she would always talk about how hot he is, and she's just like, this guy's fucking amazing. | ||
| And I'm like, you're just making me watch these Tom Hardy movies, because you have a crush on him. | ||
| And sure enough, this fucker won me over, like, big time. | ||
| That's when you know he's good, right? | ||
| To where you're like, uh... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's fucking great, man. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Fuck my girlfriend. | ||
| How many guys do you think have ever played themselves in a movie, like side-by-side, like twins like that? | ||
| So you're playing... | ||
| What I want to know is, does he get paid double for that? | ||
| Has it been done? | ||
| That only seems fair, right? | ||
| Well, he's got to be getting a shitload of money for this, because that's half of the movie is seeing if they can pull that off, right? | ||
| Because you're dealing with CGI. They're combining... | ||
| Somehow or another, I don't know how they're doing it. | ||
| I would imagine what they can do now, and this is just my guess, is that you can get a guy like you, and you and Brian could have like a tussle. | ||
| And as long as you are the same size, you could superimpose his features on you. | ||
| There's a way they could do that with CGI. Well, what's interesting is that if the camera was locked off, Then, up until, I'm sure this movie, it's not locked off on everything. | ||
| What does that mean, locked off? | ||
| You know, like, completely not moving, stabilized. | ||
| Then, it was always easier to do that, I think. | ||
| You know, the CGI type of things where you can put somebody into things. | ||
| But this is like a real movie with real dialogue. | ||
| I think they're doing it all with computers now. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| But he's got to act both sides of it, right? | ||
| So he's got to somehow or another act both sides of it. | ||
| I'm only assuming if he's physically in contact with someone, they would have to somehow or another get him to act out those scenes and replace his face on the other person's body or something along those lines. | ||
| If they're doing a tussle, they're just doing the thing where it's just the back of the head and then they just flip. | ||
| You know, when they're rolling around where it's like a smaller, weird, creepy version of them. | ||
| I did it with that Pepsi Spice commercial where I just pretty much recorded the same two things and then just split it right down the middle. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I forgot about these videos. | ||
| This was like 15 years ago I did this. | ||
| Yeah, these are hilarious. | ||
| This looks exactly like the commercial for the Tom Hardy movie that I was talking about. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| I forgot about this. | ||
| The next morning, and look, I even put down the coffee cup and then I grabbed the coffee cup. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| That's actually cool. | ||
| Dude, that was one of your finest hours. | ||
| The Pepsi Spice days. | ||
| I did that on Paintbrush. | ||
| But what would you do if you had to have like a confrontation? | ||
| Does he have a confrontation with his brother? | ||
| I assume he does. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| That's the only thing that I would think would be the issue. | ||
| It was like you fighting with you. | ||
| Because that would be really hard to mesh together. | ||
| But otherwise, if it's just you in a separate scene, or you in a scene with two of you, you just have to do the scene twice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But still, they have to combine it. | ||
| They have to move you around. | ||
| You have to do one, and then probably they play back your thing when you're talking to it. | ||
| But shit. | ||
| God. | ||
| You ever seen Bronson? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| He was really good in that. | ||
| He's good in everything. | ||
| He's just one of those guys. | ||
| He just knows how to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird type of respect we have for people also that come from other countries. | ||
| I mean, Americans love Americans, but we also hold people from other countries. | ||
| If you have an English accent, we'll cut you a lot of slack. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| More than ever, can I tell you something? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, this has been infuriating me lately. | |
| It's everybody. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| There's British accents everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Every show. | ||
| Because I only watch normal TV when I'm at a hotel. | ||
| And I've been doing the road a lot lately. | ||
| So I've been stuck watching commercials for the first time. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| First world problems. | ||
| I watch this James Corden or whatever. | ||
| Corbin? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's he? | ||
| He's the guy that just took over for Craig Ferguson. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Who also had an accent. | ||
| Everybody has an accent now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On everything. | ||
| Didn't you think Craig Ferguson was good, though? | ||
| I liked Craig Ferguson. | ||
| I thought he was really good. | ||
| Totally good. | ||
| He brought a different element when it was the Britney Spears thing. | ||
| When that Britney Spears thing was going on and she was shaving her head, and he was like, why are we doing this? | ||
| Why would we attack this girl? | ||
| And I think, in a lot of ways, his... | ||
| Like sort of reasonable approach to addressing the subject instead of like cracking jokes about it when it was like She was shaving her head and there's like you're looking at a person that's having some some serious stress and mental problems Probably and all we're doing is just piling on to that and he made this like really reasonable Measured plea and I remember thinking like wow that was a genuine thing like that wasn't a That didn't seem like some fake, | ||
| pumped-up PR move to try to get people to view him a different way. | ||
| It seemed very genuine. | ||
| Unfortunately, Britney Spears wasn't watching Craig Ferguson, so the message never got through. | ||
| You know, people did leave her alone. | ||
| They kind of leave her alone now, but she was obviously having some sort of a breakdown. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was something going on. | ||
| And I don't know if anybody could ever be expected to respond well to the kind of stress that someone in her position endures. | ||
| She's like some stupid, crazy superstar. | ||
| Like a Beyonce-type character or Jay-Z. That kind of stress level's got to be insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's calmed down a lot, right? | ||
| She does that thing in Vegas now. | ||
| She does like a Vegas show. | ||
| Were you a fan of Craig Ferguson's show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's good. | ||
| Do you know the robot, the guy that played the robot in it? | ||
| His name is Josh Robert Thompson. | ||
| And he played the robot for whatever, 11 years on that show or however long that show is. | ||
| And he kind of got screwed by the show because no one knows who he was. | ||
| They never said, hey, by the way, this is him. | ||
| So this guy, he's on Periscope all the time. | ||
| Really interesting guy. | ||
| Check him out. | ||
| He's just really... | ||
| What's his name again? | ||
| It's really sad though. | ||
| His name's Josh Robert Thompson. | ||
| And it's just like, imagine being on a fucking Tonight Show where no one knew who you were the whole time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So does he just complain about this on his Periscope? | ||
| No, I mean... | ||
| He does seem like he's always getting screwed. | ||
| He just released this new video the other day with George Lucas, and it has our friend... | ||
| What's the guy with the really built body that used to be a writer on that show? | ||
| He's been on Kill Tony before. | ||
| Fuck, I can't remember. | ||
| Really good body. | ||
| Remember, he always takes off his shirt and is like a six-pack. | ||
| Oh, Bob Oshack. | ||
| Yeah, Bob Oshack. | ||
| So Bob Oshack did a video with... | ||
| I would have never thought you were talking about Bob Oshack. | ||
| Some gay porn star that's infiltrated the comedy star. | ||
| I'm preparing myself for future encounters. | ||
| Like, what is going on? | ||
| This is what Brian considers a guy with a good body. | ||
| Bob Oshack. | ||
| Have you seen Bob Oshack's stomach? | ||
| He's very fit. | ||
| He works out. | ||
| He's very healthy. | ||
| Bob Oshack might be the nicest guy that's ever lived. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| If he's not the nicest, he's in the top ten of nicest people of all time. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| But anyways, he made a video with Josh Robert Thompson where Josh Robert Thompson played George Lucas on his ranch, and he looks just like George Lucas. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Fun little. | ||
| Oh yeah, I think I saw some of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, he's a funny fucking guy, Bob O'Shack. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the best. | ||
| He should be doing a podcast, right? | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| I was supposed to start mine with him. | ||
| He was going to be my co-host, and then I decided not to have a co-host at the last minute. | ||
| He also was really busy. | ||
| It's not like you have 50 different things you have to do all day long. | ||
| You could do another podcast once a week with him. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| Or he could do one on his own, too. | ||
| He's one of the best guys. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's such a good dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On Kill Tony? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's so sharp. | ||
| And he just loves joke writing so much. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| And so when these guys come in with a premise or whatever, he'll just go, you know, if you go, and the crowd that already heard that premise and punchline, but it's all restructured, he just repeats it back because he has that math brain that's just like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's notoriously one of the most respected comedy writers around town. | ||
| Writing gigs that I've done, he's come up in every writer's room and everybody around a table that are working together always ends up talking about where and when they worked with Bob Oshak and how cool and nice he is. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's so good to hear. | ||
| He's always a good, you say good stomach, good six-pack? | ||
| Yeah, it always organically happens. | ||
| Way better than that Maguire stomach. | ||
| Maguire? | ||
| Chris Maguire. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Chris Maguire. | ||
| Oh, Chris McGuire's stomach? | ||
| How's that? | ||
| I've never seen Chris's. | ||
| Seems like he's a normal guy? | ||
| The only one I ever see. | ||
| How do you get a Chris McGuire's stomach reference? | ||
| That might be the most difficult to put your head around. | ||
| If you don't know, Chris McGuire is a funny stand-up comedian. | ||
| He doesn't have an unusual stomach. | ||
| He looks like a normal guy. | ||
| If he's standing there... | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| ...to be sure that that was his. | ||
| If you saw Joey Diaz's stomach in a side view, you're like, yeah, that looks like we're outright. | ||
| That's about Joey. | ||
| If you saw a silhouette and someone said, whose stomach is that? | ||
| You wouldn't go Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But Chris McGuire, fuck, man. | ||
| It could be Jamie. | ||
| It could be Chris McGuire. | ||
| Now I want to know. | ||
| Now I want to see it. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| I want to see your dick. | ||
| I want to see your dick. | ||
| I want to see his stomach. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy, too. | ||
| Chris McGuire. | ||
| Him, Greg Fitzsimmons, and I started out within a week of each other. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| It's interesting all these years later. | ||
| I have that same thing with a few guys, and it's amazing because there's definitely a special bond that happens when you know that you start around the same time. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| And you've known each other through the whole process of being fucking horrible, totally incompetent, but just starry-eyed for the idea of being a comic and chasing these dreams together. | ||
| And there's nothing more fun than when you see one of those guys doing something cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's cool just seeing comics do something cool. | ||
| And we've all been talking about this at the store lately, that this is one of the things about this generation and this era, as it were. | ||
| Is that a good thing to say? | ||
| This era of comedy? | ||
| But this time. | ||
| Comics are real supportive of each other, and I don't think that ever existed before. | ||
| There wasn't a bunch of comics promoting each other on shows. | ||
| Like the way people are now, it didn't really exist before because there were so few spots. | ||
| Like if you got on TV, you had to covet it. | ||
| You had to, this is mine. | ||
| It was like this famine mentality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now that a lot of what we're doing is internet driven, whether it's your Netflix special, which comes out this Friday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| January 18th? | ||
| 15th. | ||
| 15th. | ||
| January 15th. | ||
| One shot. | ||
| It's available this Friday. | ||
| Whether it's stuff like that, which is internet-based, which is almost all of the fucking specials that you're hearing about now are these internet-based specials. | ||
| And television shows that are internet-based. | ||
| I mean, Netflix is just, they have so much fucking programming now. | ||
| There's so many different things that you can watch that are internet-based that I think comics have, like most of us, have gotten to podcasts. | ||
| A giant amount of us. | ||
| And you realize, like, this is way more fun and way easier to do than a television show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And through that, everybody says, yeah, you should do it too, and you should do it too, and they all do it together. | ||
| And you develop this weird network. | ||
| And this is like a network of supporters. | ||
| So I think when we all see someone who's doing really good, you know, it's interesting. | ||
| It's interesting to watch. | ||
| It's like, ooh, it's happening again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brian, your new podcast was in the top 15. Yeah, it got down to seven at one point. | |
| Really? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Sage Francis is really amazing. | ||
| We had him on the second episode. | ||
| That's awesome, dude. | ||
| I'm so glad you decided to do it, too. | ||
| Because you have a very unusual sense of humor that a lot of people like. | ||
| It's like trying to find the right vehicle for it. | ||
| It's like, I think the right vehicle for you is just do your own thing. | ||
| Do your own thing. | ||
| And when you do do it, it's fucking fun. | ||
| Because you get to be free. | ||
| You get to be you. | ||
| You're just such a silly weirdo. | ||
| And I'm trying to lose 40 pounds in three months, the first three months of the episode. | ||
| So I weigh in every episode. | ||
| And today I weighed in 14 pounds less since January 1st. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's awesome, man. | ||
| I love doing these with you, too. | ||
| I mean, it's always fun. | ||
| We always have a good time. | ||
| It's always silly, but I'm really glad you're doing your own as well because I think that it's gonna be I think it's gonna be real successful It's gonna be and so it's it's all it's it's something that you can pursue and like you could say I want to talk to this Interesting person. | ||
| I want to talk to this cool guy Like maybe I can get him on my podcast and then all of a sudden you get him and you're sitting there talking to this person and as a per as a human being If you're allowed to pursue your interests like that, it's very enriching. | ||
| And I think what the audience gets out of it, and that's such a fucking pompous word, but that is what it's like. | ||
| It's enriching. | ||
| And what the audience gets out of it, it's like they get to go on this really cool adventure with you. | ||
| And some of the best aspects of the adventure, like having conversations with these cool and funny and interesting people, they get to be in on them. | ||
| They get to sit there and be a part of like your little adventure through choosing your interests. | ||
| And so that's why I think everybody should, every like comic who has any interest in it whatsoever should have a podcast. | ||
| Because you get to see them go down their little, the adventure of their interests. | ||
| You know, like if you listen to Bill Burr's podcast, I don't pay attention to football. | ||
| It's the only part I can't listen to when he starts talking about football and they should have done this and the defense was that. | ||
| Because he's a football fucking fanatic. | ||
| But the rest of it is just Bill talking about how he's living his life and how he's going through his life. | ||
| And it's really interesting. | ||
| It's really interesting to follow someone, follow their interests, follow, like, what's curious to them. | ||
| Like, when you don't have any other agenda. | ||
| Like, when your agenda isn't, man, we need to get good ratings, we need to get some people in here that are doing some things that people are aware of, which is how you think of, like, every other talk show, right? | ||
| They all become almost generic in a way. | ||
| Because even, like, Letterman, who is, like, fiercely independent and very smart and just overly critical of, like, shitty stuff, And a smart guy, like, didn't like his own stuff half the time. | ||
| He would do his own show, and it would be brilliant, and he'd be like, fuck, I hate myself. | ||
| Like, he was crazy like that, right? | ||
| That was, like, the thing about Letterman. | ||
| But who did he have on his show? | ||
| Like, regular people, man. | ||
| Who's selling a fucking movie? | ||
| Who's selling a song? | ||
| Who's selling a this? | ||
| Who's got a TV show? | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| So Dave would have humorous conversations with these people and say funny stuff, but the bottom line is that's not who he chooses. | ||
| That's not what he wants to do. | ||
| If you could say, all cost aside, all consideration of ratings aside, who would you want to talk to, Dave? | ||
| Then you would get a chance to see. | ||
| But the way the system is set up, even though it's a fantastic system if it works out, and you get something like the Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show, which I think is excellent, I think Jimmy Fallon's the best Tonight Show guy ever. | ||
| I have a showcase for it tonight. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think he's the best. | ||
| He's fucking great. | ||
| I can't talk about anything that I've been working on. | ||
| That's what's funny, though. | ||
| I have this brand new 15-minute chunk that I'm just in love with right now. | ||
| It's just expanding and breathing, and I'm talking about crazy, crazy shit. | ||
| But I thought I was thinking about it on the way here because I just got the call. | ||
| My manager's like, hey, are you available to do a Tonight Show showcase tonight? | ||
| And I'm literally like, yeah, heck yeah. | ||
| And I get off the phone and I start thinking about everything I've been working out. | ||
| And I know for a fact I can't do any of it. | ||
| Not a single bit. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I know that feeling. | ||
| You get these new weapons. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they're right there. | ||
| And I know I would kill harder than anybody else on this. | ||
| I don't even know who's on it, but I just know how I feel about my material right now. | ||
| I'm in championship mode. | ||
| And with this new stuff, though, that's what's crazy. | ||
| I'm going to have to really figure out and finagle something. | ||
| Well, look at it this way. | ||
| Think of The Tonight Show with no censorship. | ||
| Think of the Tonight Show on Netflix. | ||
| How good would that show be? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| How good would that show be if someone like Jamie Foxx could go on and sit next to the couch and say whatever the fuck he wants? | ||
| Someone like Mike Tyson swearing. | ||
| Why did I go with two black people? | ||
| I love your Jamie Foxx love. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| I think Jamie Foxx is amazing. | ||
| If you heard his interview with Tim Ferriss, you would look at him in a different light. | ||
| I've always thought he was insanely talented. | ||
| The fact that he could play Ray Charles, and then he played the guy with mental illness that was a homeless guy who was a musician in the Robert Downey Jr. movie. | ||
| He can act his fucking ass off. | ||
| And he's singing in Ray. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| In Django Unchained. | ||
| I mean, unbelievable. | ||
| When you listen to the way he talks to Tim Ferriss, you kind of get an understanding of why he's the way he is. | ||
| He's just a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Just a super talented, super sharp thinking dude. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I love that guys like that exist. | ||
| You don't necessarily want to do what they're doing, but just knowing that there's people like that That exists. | ||
| You're like, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Real rock stars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Dudes are just... | ||
| They're operating on a fucking super high level with a lot of different things. | ||
| Like, Jamie Foxx can sing his ass off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he sings really good. | ||
| Totally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's insane. | ||
| Like, he could just do... | ||
| He could do any one of those careers regularly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's interesting, right? | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I don't know how much stand-up he does anymore, though. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think you got to doing too many different things. | ||
| Stand-up is definitely one of those things where... | ||
| You got to be doing just that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Got to work it. | ||
| If you're not doing it. | ||
| If you're not doing it all the time. | ||
| Boy, it gets slippery, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just took four nights off in a row for the first time in like forever. | ||
| Four nights in a row. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How'd you feel? | |
| I felt- I came back CRUSHING! Do you think it was reinvigorating? | ||
| Animalistic! | ||
| I just saw him- I remember- it was last night. | ||
| It was my first spot in four nights and I'm just standing in the back of the room with just fucking like- I was like- I'm crazy, you know what I mean? | ||
| I just love that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're crazy. | |
| You're so silly. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| But literally, like, I go up there, and it was at the Irvine Improv. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| This lady stood up during my set at one point, because I'm talking about this one part of one thing where I talk about how Trump's gonna win this shit, and here's why. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And basically, like... | ||
| This lady stands up, and you can tell that I'm a comedian on a stage. | ||
| Everybody else could, but this one lady out of 200 stands up and starts waving her arms, and she's like, stop, stop, stop. | ||
| I'm like, oh shit. | ||
| But I'm still staying in the pocket going with the joke for another 10 seconds. | ||
| But she's still like, stop! | ||
| Stop! | ||
| And my jokes were killing. | ||
| So I'm like, you motherfuckers. | ||
| So I bailed out and I go, what the fuck is your problem, lady? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, Donald Trump will never be our president. | |
| I'm like, ooh. | ||
| What makes your opinion so big that you're talking and none of these other 200 people are yelling right now? | ||
| I go, what the fuck makes your vote such a big deal? | ||
| What do you do for a living? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she goes, well, basically, I go, what the fuck do you do for a living? | |
| Crowd's just going crazy. | ||
| She goes, well, right now I'm unemployed. | ||
| I go, then your vote doesn't even fucking matter. | ||
| You're not even paying taxes. | ||
| Wow, how rude. | ||
| It was this whole crazy thing. | ||
| But she ended up leaving. | ||
| Of course, she should have been kicked out. | ||
| You can't just stand up and interrupt a bit in the middle of the bit. | ||
| That's like, do you stand up at a movie and say, Don't kill Han Solo! | ||
| You don't do it! | ||
| You don't do it! | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| She was flipping me off. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| I was just destroying her entire long walk out of the Irvine improv. | ||
| It's a long walk, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, come on. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| People need to stop. | ||
| Hecklers need to fucking just not ever go see shows. | ||
| They need to stop. | ||
| Wrong guy. | ||
| I mean, you make that hour drive to Irvine. | ||
| It's just they don't know, man. | ||
| I think people, they just don't know how ridiculous that is. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I just don't think they realize that you're in the middle of this piece, and this piece has a lot of places that it has to go to. | ||
| You have to go left, and you have to go right, and you have to trick them a little bit, and then you bring it home at the end. | ||
| And this woman is in the middle of this thing, screaming out. | ||
| And it's interesting because I've tried here and there with jokes over the eight years of doing this, but I'm never really a political guy. | ||
| But with this new election thing that I'm doing right now, I feel really good about it. | ||
| But it's amazing how the different reactions that you get around the country... | ||
| Doing this stuff. | ||
| This is a charged subject, man. | ||
| It's a charged subject in a weird time. | ||
| This is probably the weirdest election ever. | ||
| Because this is the only election I can ever remember where there's only one candidate that his supporters are really fucking excited about him. | ||
| And then there's a bunch of other people that you're like, man, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, like... | ||
| Bernie Sanders seems like a really nice guy. | ||
| He doesn't seem evil at all. | ||
| Maybe he's the best of all the choices available, except for people who make money. | ||
| I'd love it if he got in. | ||
| I'd love it if he just won the election and was just like, I was just fucking with you guys the whole time. | ||
| I'm an old white man. | ||
| Go fuck yourselves. | ||
| Back to the old system. | ||
| I don't think he would survive. | ||
| I mean, he already looks like he's done a few terms. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He does, right? | ||
| All these other presidents go in there looking good, you know, dark brown hair, and then they all come out looking like... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Not who we're talking about. | ||
| Well, Obama. | ||
| Look at Obama. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've shown side-by-side images of him from 2009 to 2015. It's crazy. | ||
| He looks like he's aged like 20-plus years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| It's a hard job, man. | ||
| I don't think anybody can do it. | ||
| I think at one point in time we're going to realize that the idea that we keep clinging to of a single guy that's in charge of the whole country is stupid. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Like, why would you have one person be in charge of anything? | ||
| Why not have, like, a gigantic team of people and why not have the influence of the public on a daily basis be tuned in to this gigantic group of people with, of course, reasonable filters for hysterics when something crazy happens and all of a sudden people want to nuke, you know, some country or something like that. | ||
| And for that system to change, what's amazing is, like, I think that we would have to have Well, there's some other things he says, like, I actually can... | ||
| Like the other day, I don't know, I was just walking out of a hotel and the news was on the TV and it says, you know, Trump says that Germany terrorist attacks are because they let those people in. | ||
| That's all that I saw. | ||
| And at first I'm like, yeah, what an idiotic thing to say. | ||
| And then I thought about it and it's like, well, they did let what? | ||
| Like a million people in or something crazy? | ||
| Well, there's a real issue in Germany. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the mayor of Cologne... | ||
| Which is in this insane move was telling women how they should behave around these men and that they should stay within arm's length It's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's victim blaming. | ||
| I mean, they're resorting to victim blaming to try to take focus away from the fact that what they've done is they've let in a bunch of people from another culture who behave differently. | ||
| It's maybe not their fault. | ||
| Maybe, let's look at it this way. | ||
| This is the way they lived in their other country. | ||
| They're coming into your country, they're going to behave the way they've behaved all 37 years of their life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because that's what they do. | ||
| And so now you have to deal with that in your culture. | ||
| And the way to deal with it is not to say women should fucking stay arm's length away from these people. | ||
| It's to educate these people about the rules of this place. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You can't just sexually assault women. | ||
| Girls could dress however the fuck they want. | ||
| And you can't tell those girls, now you're on your own. | ||
| You just have to stay arm's length away from somebody. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Because everybody's so scared of being racist. | ||
| Everybody's so scared of being Islamophobic that they don't want to point out... | ||
| Forget about ideologies. | ||
| Or forget about skin color, people of origin. | ||
| You have some people that are doing something that's not good to some people that haven't had these things done to them like this before. | ||
| You've got to figure out what to do. | ||
| You let in a different culture. | ||
| It's not their fault. | ||
| But it is. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You can't deny that it exists. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It is a thing. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that are pointing to letting people like that in this country. | ||
| And they're saying, well, what are we going to do? | ||
| What are we going to do if Syrian refugees come into America? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Are we just going to invite a million Syrian refugees in America? | ||
| And if you look at the history of America, that's what people have always done. | ||
| We've always let in people from other countries who are trying to get away. | ||
| I mean, that's how this country got founded. | ||
| So ideally, we'd all want to say, yeah, these are the people that are running away from the people that are doing terrible things to them. | ||
| But you're going to get some shitheads. | ||
| You're definitely going to get some shitheads. | ||
| So how do you deal with that? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't think that's a question for one person. | ||
| I mean, even one person in a cabinet and one person has, like, veto power and what... | ||
| Man, I think there should be a fucking team of PhDs and super smart motherfuckers who get evaluated on a regular basis for ego problems, alcoholism, all of the above. | ||
| If you're testing mixed martial arts fighters to see if they're on steroids, you should be testing congressmen and senators to see if they're fucking crazy. | ||
| What are they on? | ||
| What kind of fucking antidepressants are you on that's affecting your judgment? | ||
| How often do you take Valium? | ||
| How often do you take Ambien to go to sleep? | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Do you lose a sleep cycle there or something? | ||
| Is there some wacky non-sleep that's going on when you're Ambien'd out of your head? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Viagra, these congressmen. | ||
| What are they doing with the Viagra, Tony? | ||
| All the blood rushing down. | ||
| What are they doing with the Viagra, Tony? | ||
| Making their wieners bigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You sure? | ||
| Yeah, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Congressmen and senators and representatives, state representatives. | ||
| This is a representative government. | ||
| It's all a weird popularity contest. | ||
| Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| But it does. | ||
| He's a fiscally conservative guy who's open-minded in the sense of socially open-minded, in terms of how he views gay people and even recreational drug use and things along those lines. | ||
| He's very open-minded, almost like with a libertarian bent, but a Republican. | ||
| So it actually, he wasn't a bad choice. | ||
| He didn't do a great job. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| You're dealing with a bunch of shit, a bunch of red tape and bullshit, and if you ever hear him describe his time in office, it's pretty interesting stuff. | ||
| Like, you don't realize, I think, from the outside, like someone like you or I, Have zero political aspirations or motivations. | ||
| Once you get in, man, you're dealing with this insane system of how things get done and how people will filibuster and people will block this because it'll anger their constituents because these people are paying for that and these people are paying you to make sure that this doesn't pass through because that'll get that through. | ||
| You watch House of Cards? | ||
| Yeah, I just started. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's my favorite thing. | ||
| I don't know how accurate it is, but if it's even fucking 10%, we're doomed. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| If it's even 10%, it's a great show, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kevin Spacey's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, I love it when he looks at the camera and just starts talking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's another one. | ||
| He's a different guy in this. | ||
| He's a different guy in this show with a very distinct accent, and you buy it. | ||
| You're not going, like, that's Kevin Spacey. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He just becomes that person. | ||
| He becomes another person. | ||
| Frank Underwood. | ||
| What's going on with that shirt, Brian? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, the security guard shirt? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, I got it. | ||
| Thrift store. | ||
| It's funny when I wear it, because, like, I went to Starbucks and, like, Mexicans gave me double looks real quick. | ||
| It was pretty funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They thought you were security? | |
| Wow. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| That's so racist. | ||
| But it happened twice. | ||
| Today, it happened twice. | ||
| Why is it that they chose a blue color with like a dark blue pocket thing for security? | ||
| That's universal. | ||
| It looks like he got his badge ripped off him. | ||
| And a violent struggle. | ||
| Maybe he did it himself when he quit. | ||
| Fuck this job! | ||
| Yeah, that's what you want to do when you quit the sheriff's department, right? | ||
| You pull that star off and you throw it on the ground. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| You've watched Making a Murderer, right? | ||
| I have not watched Making a Murderer. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I know, I keep hearing it. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I watched Soaked in Bleach. | ||
| Yeah, that's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Drop it. | ||
| I was going to say what you think about that. | ||
| Soaked in Bleach? | ||
| Yeah, like... | ||
| There's a lot in that movie, man. | ||
| That's the movie that alleges that Courtney Love was involved in some way in Kurt Cobain's death. | ||
| It's too long of a movie, but yeah. | ||
| It's too long? | ||
| Yeah, if you watch the other movie and then watch that movie. | ||
| Which other movie? | ||
| The official one that his daughter made, Frances, what is it called again? | ||
| Montage. | ||
| Montage of Heck. | ||
| Yeah, that's the HBO one, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That seems more like closer to what I think really happened. | ||
| I didn't see that one. | ||
| Just drugs and it doesn't make Courtney look like she's murdering. | ||
| It just looks like he wanted to kill himself the whole time and he put it in his lyrics. | ||
| He wrote about it. | ||
| It was like it was going to happen. | ||
| I mean, that's what that movie made it seem more like. | ||
| It's so hard to decipher. | ||
| When someone's gone, what they actually thought and what they actually were like. | ||
| Because when you put it through the filter of what we know about how we describe other people and might be off about something or how people describe the past and they try to idealize certain aspects of it. | ||
| Like if it was made by his daughter, she wasn't alive when he was doing that. | ||
| So she's getting it from other people who were there, who, you know... | ||
| He's getting it from his own music and journals. | ||
| It has home movies and it has everything in it. | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| I feel like Montage of Heck is like a documentary about Kurt Cobain and Soaked in Bleach is a documentary about the possibility of Courtney killing him. | ||
| I'll tell you this, is that no matter what happened, it's unbelievable how bad the Seattle Police Department dropped the ball on that. | ||
| To walk in on some guy that just killed himself that's worth God only knows what. | ||
| I don't even know if they say during that, but... | ||
| You know, his collection has to be worth, what, at least a hundred million dollars or something crazy. | ||
| Well, it was just a bad police department. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just, what it was is a high-profile case in a bad police department. | ||
| But now, imagine that they had probably been running that police department in a shitty way for as long as that guy had been running it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because as long as you're a regular person that doesn't have the public's eye paying attention to the case with extreme scrutiny, and again, this is in 1994, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, today, it would be a different animal. | ||
| Today, it would be in social media, and it would blow up, and it'd be gigantic, and it'd be way more scrutiny. | ||
| But back then, they could kind of consolidate everything. | ||
| They could compartmentalize everything. | ||
| And they just shitted the whole thing up. | ||
| Their accounts differed from the first responders' accounts. | ||
| Their description of the room differed. | ||
| There's so much of it that was off. | ||
| They were terrible. | ||
| It was just they had never done a high-profile case, so their terrible police work hadn't been revealed to anybody that wasn't, like, the victim of it. | ||
| You know, someone who, I mean, I'm assuming that if they fucked up this case, they probably fucked up other ones as well. | ||
| You're gonna shit yourself when you watch this show, man. | ||
| You should just cut all the shows off right now and just watch the first episode, and you will... | ||
| Making a murderer? | ||
| Yeah, you will go crazy. | ||
| That's what I keep hearing. | ||
| You'll have podcasts for weeks about it. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| I'm scared to dive deep into this fucking poor guy's life. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| Hey man, police officers are people. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There's gonna be real good ones and real bad ones. | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| And just because you get through the fucking academy tests and get into the position doesn't mean you've got your shit together or you're worthy. | ||
| It just means you didn't fuck up yet. | ||
| And just because you're a cop doesn't mean you're a bad person. | ||
| There's a lot of cops that are fucking awesome. | ||
| They're great people. | ||
| And that's a job that they think is important. | ||
| It's a job that they think is very beneficial to our society. | ||
| And they do it the best they can. | ||
| And those people are important. | ||
| Those people are the ones that get overlooked. | ||
| And when you see terrible cops doing terrible things, when you see terrible people doing terrible things, do you give up on people? | ||
| Do you say, fuck man, I hate people now. | ||
| Some guy just stomped a kitten to death on a YouTube video. | ||
| I hate people. | ||
| I hate people. | ||
| I can't, I fucking, I don't want to talk to anybody anymore. | ||
| That's ridiculous, because most of us would never do that. | ||
| And I think that's the same thing with cops. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking cops. | ||
| And they're dealing with a lot of interactions every day. | ||
| Every day, all day long, you're dealing with people stealing things, people doing things to people, and people who might do things to you. | ||
| And they're just overwhelmed with stress all the time. | ||
| Especially now that the media is coming out of hard. | ||
| A lot of them are bad. | ||
| I just spent a couple days on a top-secret project, but with cops. | ||
| I learned so much. | ||
| You learn a lot immediately about the current perception. | ||
| They're very defensive and it's incredible to watch. | ||
| So it got me more into... | ||
| I've been watching a lot of these police shootings and things. | ||
| There's not many where... | ||
| You know, if you're going for a gun, if you have your hand in your pocket and they're like, take your hand out of your pocket, you have to take your hand out of your pocket. | ||
| I don't have any sympathy for anyone who doesn't do that immediately. | ||
| And I get it. | ||
| There's like mental health issues and stuff. | ||
| And I think that's the exception to it. | ||
| And yeah, sometimes it's totally like you said, incident to incident. | ||
| But the media really... | ||
| Really messed up the cops, man. | ||
| Everybody's on edge with them right now. | ||
| Well, how can you see the media mess them up when there's all these videos of cops shooting people for no reason, doing terrible shit like planting evidence. | ||
| That guy that throws the taser down when he shoots that guy who's running away from him. | ||
| There's a lot of really hardcore video evidence of cops doing terrible things. | ||
| I think they just have to look at it in a balanced perspective. | ||
| The media's not doing anything wrong by reporting these things. | ||
| They're making those cops accountable. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But I think what we have to be really careful is blaming all cops. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's where it's fucked up. | ||
| And I think that's where, like, the media makes it a little bit blander than just the specific guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They use the word police instead of officer blah blah blah. | ||
| Well, how about this? | ||
| Like, if you saw something and you saw a cop, like, in a YouTube video do something... | ||
| He did something terrible. | ||
| When you see another cop, that guy, you're not in the same city. | ||
| You don't even know this guy. | ||
| This guy's just a person. | ||
| You don't make him responsible for something that some guy did in North Carolina, but kind of people do. | ||
| Kind of people do. | ||
| If you go and watch some YouTube video of some cop doing some horrible shit in the Oakland subway, and then all of a sudden you're in downtown LA and some cop looks at you funny like a fucking pig. | ||
| You know, like, you hate that guy because of something that someone else did that's in his organization that he most likely has never met in his life. | ||
| Imagine if we did that with people. | ||
| Imagine if some person did something fucked up in New York, and you're down in Florida, and you're like, you fucking piece of shit, and this guy's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I know what you are, man. | ||
| You're a fucking person. | ||
| You're a regular dude with a dick, and I know what that guy did in New York, and you're just like him. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| This one cop told me, you know, like a kid ran up to him the other day, like he's walking down a sidewalk or whatever. | ||
| Donut shop or somewhere. | ||
| And a little kid walks up and is like, hey, you know, hi, Mr. Officer. | ||
| Like a little, like, you know, three or four year old. | ||
| And some lady walks over and she grabs her little boy and is like, no, you stay away from these, you know, murders like that. | ||
| And had an in-depth talk with this police officer. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| Not only is that terrible that they're being called a murder, but imagine the feeling of knowing that that's the next generation and that's the type of things that they're being taught about police officers right now. | ||
| I think that there's two ways I look at it. | ||
| I think in one way I look at it that the police are necessary and that we need police because we have too much crime and we have too much violence. | ||
| The way it is now is like they're our shield that protects us from... | ||
| Bad people. | ||
| But another part of me looks at it and says that The dynamic of a person in control with ultimate lethal power and then everyone else around them is a bad dynamic. | ||
| The dynamic in and of itself can create conflict. | ||
| Because there's always going to be resistance to this idea of someone who lives amongst you, who has ultimate power over you, and who, if the chips go down the wrong way, they might shoot you and kill you. | ||
| And they can get away with that. | ||
| And they could say you attacked them or you were reaching for something they thought was a gun. | ||
| Who knows what kind of personal vendetta they might have against you. | ||
| Who knows what kind of stress they might have been under when they pulled the trigger. | ||
| But they could do it to you. | ||
| They're allowed to have a gun on them. | ||
| And you can't. | ||
| Even if you're a guy who's never done anything wrong and you're walking around, you're gonna feel weird around cops. | ||
| Like, maybe you'll respect them. | ||
| Intellectually, you'll say, thank you for your service. | ||
| I appreciate everything you guys are doing. | ||
| Stay safe. | ||
| But in the back of your head, you fucking know that if things got ugly, they could shoot you. | ||
| Like, if somehow or another you got in an altercation with them, you go towards them and you're in somehow or another way threatening or physical, they'll gun you down. | ||
| They'll gun your dog down. | ||
| If your dog starts running at them and barking, we've seen videos of that. | ||
| Adrenaline, man. | ||
| That really just puts a blanket on your head. | ||
| That's like when people say, you know, get your hand out of your pocket. | ||
| Man, that guy's adrenaline's overtaken his body to the point he doesn't understand words. | ||
| I mean, I got robbed. | ||
| I had no idea what was going on. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's a real good point. | ||
| It's a real good point as far as the people they pull over. | ||
| When you get a jolt of adrenaline. | ||
| Yeah, and I feel like I'm shady when the cop comes up. | ||
| And there's like nothing even going, you know what I mean? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm just like... | ||
| I know. | ||
| And all of a sudden I'll be like turning down the radio and they're like, take your hand out of the middle there, put your hand on the steering wheel. | ||
| I'm like, oh god. | ||
| And then my hands go up, you know what I mean? | ||
| I said the steering wheel. | ||
| It's like I haven't even seen this guy yet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's really, it just takes over everything. | ||
| Yeah, and imagine, you know, you pull someone over, and there's some Brock Lesnar-looking motherfucker sitting in the driver's seat, and he doesn't want to make eye contact to you, and says, what did I do wrong, officer? | ||
| And you're like, oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Have a nice day, sir. | ||
| I don't know if this guy gets out of the truck. | ||
| He's just gonna literally rip you to pieces, or he might pull out a machine gun under his car seat and start gunning you down. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| When you're pulling some guy over, you don't know if he's got a body in the trunk. | ||
| You don't know if he's got a hundred kilos of cocaine in his spare tire. | ||
| You don't know shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How much... | ||
| that seemed like a lot. | ||
| A hundred kilos would be like 220 pounds or something like that? | ||
| 220 pounds? | ||
| A hundred kilos of acid. | ||
| Paper acid. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's enough acid to kill the world, right? | ||
| But you don't know. | ||
| Man, you pull somebody over, even a woman. | ||
| She could be some crazy bitch who just got done killing her entire family. | ||
| And she's driving to her mom's house to kill her, too. | ||
| Did you see the video that was released like two days ago from Boston of a guy recording his ex-girlfriend just breaking his windows, scratching his car. | ||
| Then he goes outside to be like, look what she did. | ||
| She, like, crushed my bumper. | ||
| And then out of nowhere... | ||
| Like she just comes from behind going like 50 miles an hour. | ||
| And hits him with his car? | ||
| No, he misses just by an inch, but it hits his car. | ||
| And if Jamie could pull up that video, you will freak. | ||
| I mean, the anger of this crazy woman. | ||
| And that right there, she supposedly has already gone to court twice and said that he has hit her and done all this shit. | ||
| But just watching this video, you go, oh no. | ||
| Look at this poor guy, what he's dealing with. | ||
| That guy needs to get one of those sperm switches. | ||
| Make sure he doesn't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Knocked up. | ||
| He will wind up fucking her again. | ||
| If she's that crazy, you know what kind of pussy she must be throwing around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Just fucking liquid thunder. | ||
| She's been wrecking that dude. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| God. | ||
| And yeah, he couldn't leave his house. | ||
| And his car. | ||
| It was scary being in that situation because she seemed like she would pull out a gun and just start shooting him. | ||
| Well, anybody would try to hit you with a car. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You might as well be shooting at me, right? | ||
| Trying to hit someone with a car, that's death. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Okay, give us some volume, young Jamie. | ||
| This is what he's showing what she did. | ||
| Is that as loud as it gets? | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She's got a Mercedes. | ||
| And what does he have, a Honda? | ||
| She tried to hit him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, she just tried to hit him with the car. | ||
| And then, if you saw the beginning of it, she was outside just smashing windows and stuff. | ||
| But dude, he didn't even know she was coming. | ||
| No. | ||
| He wasn't even looking and she almost killed him. | ||
| Oh, she's coming back? | ||
| Yeah, she's coming back. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She knocked my vehicle into my neighbor's vehicle. | |
| This bitch is crazy. | ||
| Back that ass up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is she gonna do? | |
| And I'm going inside because I want to avoid any further issues. | ||
| She rammed her Mercedes into his Honda. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's finishing up on the car. | |
| Oh my God, she's coming out with a crowbar. | ||
| She broke his back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, she has just smashed my window. | |
| my rear windshield oh my god Yeah, and at the beginning, she broke windows in his house, and he's in the house, like, she's breaking my windows in my house now. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's a freaky video. | ||
| Does that make your blood pressure go up? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| When she came out of her car with the crowbar, I was like, oh shit, this just got real as fuck. | ||
| That's how people die. | ||
| She got him arrested earlier, like previously, because he was at his brother's house or something, and She just said he was beating her up and the cops came and arrested him. | ||
| Yeah, so she's been tormenting him for a long time. | ||
| Devil's advocate. | ||
| What if she's telling the truth and he was beating her up and she's like, enough of this punk-ass motherfucker. | ||
| I'm going over his house at a crowbar. | ||
| I'm going to run this bitch over with a fucking truck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And fun fact, if you Google her name, Jamie, or his name, I don't know if you can find this, but they actually were a rap duo and they have rap videos together. | ||
| Together? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What have you done? | ||
| What spiral have you let us down? | ||
| I hope he at least did something good, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, banged a supermodel or something. | ||
| I'd be really disappointed to find out that he left her with a bill at Red Lobster or something like that. | ||
| She's like, just furious. | ||
| Yeah, what could have possibly been that bad that she wanted to kill him with a car? | ||
| Well, to ram a Mercedes into his Honda is like, you know, it's like throwing fucking money at somebody's face. | ||
| Like, you piece of shit, I hate you! | ||
| Well, that's a pumped move, though. | ||
| That's a pumped up move. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| You're pumped up if you're fucking throwing money in someone's face. | ||
| Bitch! | ||
| You don't give a fuck. | ||
| Didn't someone do that to P. Diddy? | ||
| It was like a story in some article about some violence that had broken out in this club. | ||
| People were getting shot. | ||
| Because some guy showed up at one of P. Diddy's things. | ||
| You know, P. Diddy's famous for going to these clubs. | ||
| And he'd have the velvet rope and all this money and all these bottles. | ||
| That was his whole thing, right? | ||
| His whole thing was flossing. | ||
| And some guy came up to him and threw $100 bills in his face. | ||
| Oh, that had to hurt. | ||
| I bet one of his eyes got puffy. | ||
| That's a Puff Daddy joke right there. | ||
| That's maybe when he became Diddy. | ||
| Didn't like being puffy anymore. | ||
| Maybe they corresponded. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Depends. | ||
| Yeah, but something happened. | ||
| I think somebody got shot in that incident, right? | ||
| Didn't somebody get shot or trampled or something like that? | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I'm trying to look it up right now. | ||
| I think Chris Brown was involved and there was something about a bottle getting broken and someone's eye got lacerated. | ||
| Oh, that's a different one. | ||
| That's a different one. | ||
| No, that's a different one. | ||
| That's a recent one. | ||
| The P. Diddy one. | ||
| He might have even been Puff Daddy, who was in New York. | ||
| That other one was out here. | ||
| But, I mean, I'm sure there's been a lot of incidents. | ||
| He was supposed to have gone to fight with Drake at a club, too. | ||
| P. Diddy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How dare he. | ||
| Who won? | ||
| Please tell me, Drake. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was over a girl. | ||
| Oh man, fighting over chicks. | ||
| I just sent you the music video of the two people, Jamie. | ||
| Throwing money in a guy's face is a real, like, I mean, that's like the ultimate, like, hitting a man with a glove or whatever, like, starting a duel. | ||
| That's the energy that he's put out to the world. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because, like, if you see P. Diddy walking down the beach with a dude who's holding an umbrella over his head, have you seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
| You haven't seen that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| He has a manservant, and the manservant will follow him around with an umbrella. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Here we go, Jamie. | ||
| I think it's the best. | ||
| His name is Barnesworth, apparently. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| He's a character in a Spider-Man comic book. | ||
| Barnesworth, can I have my umbrella, please? | ||
| I mean, if P. Diddy was, like, some diabolical... | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| He's got a guy following him around with an umbrella. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And the gentleman has a bow tie on. | ||
| Why wouldn't you have a girl do that? | ||
| You know, like, if I won the Powerball, I'll have that, but a girl, and she has to wear a bikini. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Well, it's a weird position, but maybe it's a really good gig. | ||
| Like maybe he just gets to jet all over the world and wear bow ties and just all he has to do is hold an umbrella. | ||
| How fucking hard is that? | ||
| In a fake world, what if P. Diddy liked guys and that was a way to have his boyfriend always with him? | ||
| In a fake world. | ||
| I've got no work. | ||
| What a thinly veiled attempt at humor. | ||
| Farnsworth Bentley attends the 2003 MTV Music Video Awards. | ||
| I've gotten to work and hang out with Snoop Dogg quite a bit, and he has an Asian guy who his only job, and he's the best at it, is rolling blunts. | ||
| And he just rolls blunts, and he's just the best blunt roller, and it just comes up, and it's like, hey, this is, you know, I don't remember his name exactly, but it's like, this is blah, blah, blah, he's the blunt roller guy. | ||
| And he just, and when you hit it, it just is like, you, it's like a rate laser coming at you. | ||
| You know how the end of anything cherries up? | ||
| It's always even. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| He does it with his hands? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a science. | ||
| Like an old school. | ||
| He really massages it. | ||
| You can tell that he really takes his time. | ||
| Very adhesive, perfect cylinder. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Hand rolled. | ||
| You can almost tell that it was just rolled. | ||
| There's no substitute for quality and craftsmanship. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| You're Snoop Dogg. | ||
| You smoke blunts all day, continuously. | ||
| And he does. | ||
| You see all these different celebrities have their things, and you're like, oh, I bet he doesn't really like that offstage. | ||
| Well, like, Snoop, just, he's unbelievably hilarious when it comes to smoking. | ||
| Yeah, you would think that the blunts, I wonder what kind of paper they're using. | ||
| Are they using, like, legit blunt? | ||
| Which is, uh, what a blunt is, for folks who are not aware, is they take a cigarette, um, or rather a cigar, and, uh, take the tobacco out and then put weed in and roll it up together. | ||
| And, uh, I never had one until I hung out with Charlie Murphy and his cousin Rich. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| They fuck you up. | ||
| First of all, because you're breathing in the tobacco smoke, which is an added element, and it does something. | ||
| It opens up your capillaries in your lungs so that more THC gets in your blood. | ||
| It also has an effect of its own. | ||
| The nicotine in the tobacco leaf has an effect of its own. | ||
| And it's also unusual in the fact that that tobacco leaf is generally not inhaled. | ||
| When you smoke a tobacco cigar, you puff it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Puff! | |
| Right. | ||
| like lung-filling breaths that you do when you smoke weed. | ||
| So if you smoke a blunt, it's really kind of the only time you're breathing that smoke in. | ||
| And it's a serious irritant. | ||
| I think that's real unhealthy for you to smoke those tobacco leaves all the way down. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think you can't do that every day. | ||
| That's why Gino's little, that electronic cigarette blunt, that thing tastes great, and you don't have to do the nicotine part of it. | ||
| No, Gino's the shit. | ||
| L.A. Speedweed. | ||
| He knows what he's doing, man. | ||
| He got pulled down from Instagram. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| Instagram deleted his account, or suspended his account, or whatever the hell they did, because he's weed-related. | ||
| He's operating within the California laws. | ||
| He's selling something that everybody loves. | ||
| How come you have all these wine companies that have Instagram accounts and all these beer companies? | ||
| Which I like wine. | ||
| I like beer. | ||
| We all do. | ||
| What's so wrong with weed? | ||
| Gino's service is like the greatest thing ever, by the way. | ||
| He should get back at Instagram by making a promo that's like the Instagram special where you get a gram of pot within 10 minutes. | ||
| Some type of crazy promotion where it's like, hey, did you hear about the Instagram thing? | ||
| Just use them as a marketing thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's funny. | ||
| Instagram's bitches, man. | ||
| I can't believe that Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're great. | |
| They're great. | ||
| It's just they're a company. | ||
| They're trying to fucking make some money. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| How is it, though, that Twitter, you're allowed to see buttholes, but Instagram, you can't even see nipples. | ||
| Well, I think Twitter, because of the fact that you can see all that stuff, there's maybe more of a limit in as far as what kind of ads they'll get. | ||
| Whereas, maybe Instagram, because they've been proactive in censoring people's material, censoring the images and stuff that you're allowed to put up, maybe they can sell more of those sponsored Instagram ads that way. | ||
| They have a lot of those sponsored ads. | ||
| You see them all the time now in your feed. | ||
| I don't have a problem with it. | ||
| You could show buttholes on Twitter? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can do whatever you want on Twitter. | ||
| I think sponsored ads on Instagram are probably the least offensive ads ever because they take a fucking half of a second to go through. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Whereas an ad on TV is the most offensive. | ||
| If you're watching The Walking Dead and they're about to get jacked by zombies and it fucking fades to black and it's, don't you want your car to shine like new? | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| You're like, you fuckers! | ||
| You fuckers have ruined the entire mood of this awesome show to sell me some wax or whatever the fuck you're selling. | ||
| Yeah, the artist took time to set a tone and a feel. | ||
| So much better if you watch it on iTunes. | ||
| It's crazy to me. | ||
| I remember when we were making the show The Burn a couple years ago on Comedy Central, a Jeff Ross show, and I wrote and produced it. | ||
| It was the only show that I ever watched on TV because I was always doing stand-up and stuff, and I didn't even have a TV. This was like four or five years ago. | ||
| Anyway... | ||
| But, going into every commercial break during this comedy show that's at 10.30 at night, it was always a life alert commercial. | ||
| Like, straight into, like, I've fallen and I need help. | ||
| I'm dying here. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, who's gonna save your grandma if you don't have life alert? | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| And it's like, now back to your comedy experience. | ||
| It's like the worst type of stuff. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| We all know that from doing stand-up or from going to the movies. | ||
| You know, if a movie got interrupted every 15 minutes for a commercial, you know how fucking pissed you would be at the end of that movie? | ||
| The problem with network television is the model they're using where you interrupt shows and show these commercials. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It sucks and you're stuck with it. | ||
| You got to figure out a whole new way to show ads because people are done. | ||
| And so their idea was, well, we'll just make ads more interesting. | ||
| We'll just make ads more creative. | ||
| And they did that to a certain extent, but they still suck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody wants to see them. | ||
| Even if it's the most awesome ad ever, it's interrupting whether or not fucking Rick is going to get jacked by the zombies. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And that's their cable. | ||
| That's even more fucked up. | ||
| It's like AMC and, you know, the Independent Film Channel, IFC and all these different channels. | ||
| Those are cable. | ||
| They can do whatever they want. | ||
| Like, they have to censor themselves to ensure that they get the right ads. | ||
| So they self-censor just to get ads. | ||
| It's not like that. | ||
| ABC, CBS, NBC, those are governed by the FCC. And so when you're on television, you're not allowed to swear. | ||
| You're not allowed to. | ||
| There's a law. | ||
| But on cable, there's no fucking laws. | ||
| That's why they say shit now. | ||
| They say asshole. | ||
| There's a lot of shows that get real close to saying fuck you, but they don't really say fuck you. | ||
| But they get real close. | ||
| And that's because they're on cable. | ||
| The only reason why they don't do everything, full nudity, do whatever they want, is ads. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's why HBO gets away with just going buck wild. | ||
| No ads. | ||
| But try getting people to pay for shit. | ||
| Today, if they don't produce things like Game of Thrones, if they don't have specials like Whitney Cummings specials, if they don't have a lot of original content, Amy Schumer's last special, a lot of original content where people are going to seek it out specifically, big-time fights whenever they have big-time fights on HBO. If it's not that, it's hard getting people to pay today. | ||
| Yeah, it really is. | ||
| I mean, but at the same time, it's sort of... | ||
| Isn't. | ||
| I feel like it's hard for the middle of the country, I think, is making the transition now, but Netflix is up to over 75 million subscribers or something like that. | ||
| Every day it's going up by millions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And HBO is, I think, at like 25 million households right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| I mean, I personally, I run completely off of, I have Netflix and I have HBO Go, and that is it. | ||
| If there's a sporting event on the TV, then I have to go to a local bar or something or restaurant to check it out. | ||
| That's just how I roll. | ||
| You just don't want cable or satellite or anything like that? | ||
| I don't ever use it. | ||
| The only thing that might come on is a college football game or the UFC or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, but you got the UFC pass now. | ||
| I mean, I cut the cable bill. | ||
| I haven't looked back at all. | ||
| With Hulu Plus and you have the UFC app where that's all you need. | ||
| A lot of people are going that direction now. | ||
| That's what they think the future is. | ||
| They think the future is not going to be television. | ||
| Especially now that TVs hook up. | ||
| They hook up to HDMI cables, they hook up to computers right away, and a lot of TVs are now getting online. | ||
| Like, a lot of TVs out of the box have online ability, and so they act as a small computer. | ||
| So you'll just be able to go straight... | ||
| Like, my TV by itself goes straight to YouTube. | ||
| I can go to YouTube. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| Through iTunes, you do everything. | ||
| iTunes connects you to Netflix. | ||
| Apple TV connects you to Netflix. | ||
| Did you get the new one yet? | ||
| I tell you, that's worth the upgrade. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things ever. | ||
| Just being able to go, uh, Steve Martin. | ||
| And it pulls up every single Steve Martin movie. | ||
| Oh my god, you talk to it? | ||
| Yeah, you just tell it. | ||
| So you're like, uh, you know, Walking Dead. | ||
| And then you click on Walking Dead and it says, available on Hulu or iTunes or Netflix. | ||
| And it just takes you right there. | ||
| Good googly moogly. | ||
| That's what Puff Daddy has Barnsworth do. | ||
| He just says something. | ||
| Walking Dead, Barnsworth. | ||
| Does he have to massage his feet at the end of a long day? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Get the lotion. | ||
| But, okay, but if it's Barnesworth's choice, like, say if Barnesworth was, like, living in Columbus and he's working at a tire factory. | ||
| And then all of a sudden this guy came into town and go, dude, I've been looking for a guy to carry my umbrella. | ||
| I'll pay you a million dollars a year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta go with me to Paris, France and all over the world, but you'd be with me 24 hours a day. | ||
| And you're at my beck and call, and you must massage my feet at the end of every night. | ||
| I'd be like... | ||
| He'd be like, I'm a millionaire, and I don't work at a tire factory! | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Pinky in. | ||
| Pinky's out. | ||
| No, pinky in. | ||
| Oh, in him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think he's asking for that, Brian. | |
| I just don't understand why you want to have a girl. | ||
| Well, because he would probably start fucking her and she would interfere in his business and, you know, if she was hot especially and they're around each other all the time, at a certain point in time she'd start complaining about not getting any dick. | ||
| Like, God, these guys, I don't know what's wrong. | ||
| I mean, they just don't want to have sex with me. | ||
| They're going to talk. | ||
| Got to gag these girls. | ||
| You know, you're finding a human, what you want is a robot. | ||
| You know, you want a replicant, like Blade Runner style, which we're going to have. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| It's 20 years away. | ||
| We're 20 years away from going over someone's house and they have a replicant. | ||
| You're going to go over your buddy's house and he's going to have a Chinese lady with giant ridiculous tits and a waist that doesn't seem to be possible for the size of her tits and ass that's out of this world and she's going to be cleaning up and you're not going to be sure if she's real or not. | ||
| You're going to be like, um, what's that? | ||
| Is that a person? | ||
| Is this a person or is that a replicant? | ||
| And he'll pull you into the fucking kitchen, and he'll explain it to you. | ||
| Do you think when we get close to that, that they're going to first just let them out into the world and try to fool everybody to see if they can do it? | ||
| Like a beta test? | ||
| No, they're too expensive. | ||
| But they're tracking them, like hardcore. | ||
| I think we'll know. | ||
| No, I think we'll know when they develop one. | ||
| When they get one to the point where it's almost like a person, we're going to know. | ||
| And it's going to be terrifying. | ||
| When they sit that one down on television and we have a robot that adjusts his clothes and goes, so what would you like to know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're gonna go, oh my god, what have we done? | |
| Like, what the fuck have we done? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what do we know about what this thing has done to protect itself? | ||
| What do we know about what this thing has done to ensure that the ideas that it has will continue and in some other form? | ||
| And the most important question, how do you fuck it? | ||
| Oh, you're going to be able to fuck it like you would a normal woman. | ||
| They're going to be able to have artificial skin. | ||
| They have artificial skin that they've already developed. | ||
| So they've been able to develop skin in some sort of an experiment where they recreated a woman's bladder. | ||
| They used stem cells and they recreated her bladder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They created a new bladder and then they put it back into her body and it acts as a functioning bladder. | ||
| They're gonna be able to develop artificial skin or lab-created skin. | ||
| When these robots that you can fuck become easily accessible, how much longer until women go extinct? | ||
| How much longer until you go over your ex's house? | ||
| Your ex is like 60 years old. | ||
| She's dressed like the wife on Three's Company. | ||
| Mrs. Furley. | ||
| She's dressed like Mrs. Furley. | ||
| And behind her are an army of seven foot tall black guys with giant dicks. | ||
| And they're just stroking their shafts all day. | ||
| She shuts that She goes, yeah, just put it over there. | ||
| She shuts that door back to work, and they just fucking stuff her all day. | ||
| And she takes Mr. Furley's money, and she invests it in these gigantic, bobsap-looking, mandingo warrior dudes with giant ebony dicks. | ||
| There's her. | ||
| So she comes to the door, and yeah, oh, thank you, Mr. UPS driver. | ||
| And the UPS driver takes a look down the hallway over her shoulder and sees all these guys just stroking it, staring out the window with glowing eyes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Big, crazy, vibrating robot dicks. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Why wouldn't they vibrate? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They probably punch you. | ||
| Multiple switches on these fucking things. | ||
| They whip. | ||
| Like a whip. | ||
| Do you think you would have to clean the cum out of it? | ||
| Or if it would just reuse the cum for tears later? | ||
| You know, like it was that advanced where it just used to... | ||
| It lives off cum, ideally. | ||
| That's the only way it stays alive. | ||
| So it has to constantly be trying to turn you on. | ||
| I sure would love a good charging this morning. | ||
| From behind. | ||
| Please put it in my palm. | ||
| You know, oversensitive people right now will be tuning in going, I can't believe what they're saying. | ||
| I can't believe Tony Hinchcliffe is saying that women would go extinct. | ||
| Someone made a perfect artificial woman that did everything that a man wants with no nagging. | ||
| Why don't you want the nagging? | ||
| Why don't you want a real woman? | ||
| Yeah, because real women don't have a mute button, bitch. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Mute and clean. | ||
| Alright, I'll be back in a couple hours. | ||
| Bye, babe. | ||
| Well, think about all the negative aspects of people, right? | ||
| Jealousy and anger and that lady fucking their homicidal rage smashing into that dude's car and then breaking all those windows. | ||
| Think about all those negative aspects of being a person. | ||
| Now think of all the positive aspects, all the great things that people can do when they're wonderful to you and they're nice and supportive and loving and friendly and caressing and affectionate. | ||
| And just get rid of the bad stuff. | ||
| And then you have this perfect person. | ||
| Maybe Barnesworth is a robot, and we just don't know it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| P. Diddy is just a man of the future. | ||
| Is that possible that there's something super shady about a guy that holds an umbrella for a living? | ||
| They've always existed, though. | ||
| I mean, that's the butler in fucking Batman. | ||
| He never wants to kick ass. | ||
| He never's like, look, I'm tired of this bullshit, dude. | ||
| You leave me, you get all this fucking press. | ||
| You're out there kicking ass. | ||
| Nobody even knows me. | ||
| I'm down here inventing shit. | ||
| No, he doesn't care. | ||
| There's always been that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| There's always been the manservant role in those television shows. | ||
| I wonder if anybody's ever gone to P. Diddy's house and accidentally left the door open and Barnesworth was like, were you born in a Barnesworth? | ||
| That'd be a great line. | ||
| Oh, you son of a bitch! | ||
| I mean, if your name's Barnesworth... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn you, Tony! | |
| Butlers are a weird thing, right? | ||
| A man standing there with a little white towel over his arm, with his hand upright in a very correct and proper posture. | ||
| Good day, sir. | ||
| May I help you, sir? | ||
| Like someone following you around, getting you things. | ||
| Barnesworth, please fix me a drink. | ||
| Scotch two cubes of ice and turn the music up very low and please close the door when you leave. | ||
| Right away, sir. | ||
| Come in and take care of you. | ||
| Imagine? | ||
| Getting a woman would have been better. | ||
| Imagine also, like, switching of roles. | ||
| What if, like, you were the really, really wealthy guy, and you had yourself a Barnesworth, and Barnesworth did a wonderful job, but Barnesworth had ambitions of his own, and Barnesworth left. | ||
| And he left to start his own business, and that business was ultimately a gigantic success. | ||
| Boy, it took off. | ||
| But your business? | ||
| Well, the internet came along and gutted it, and record companies just weren't making any money anymore. | ||
| Those record stores, they don't exist, and you owned a chain of them, and that's how you had Barnsworth. | ||
| And they went under. | ||
| But Barnsworth, he created Napster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Barnsworth started ballin'. | ||
| Barnsworth was, uh, he figured out how to make money off of YouTube ads. | ||
| And Barnsworth, uh, you know what he did, man? | ||
| He started selling MP3s. | ||
| So putting that shit on iTunes, now Barnesworth's worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and Barnesworth wants to hire you to be his butler. | ||
| Now what do you do? | ||
| That sounds like a great movie idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Face Off. | ||
| Trading faces. | ||
| Trading faces. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, people who have butlers would hate to be a butler. | ||
| Once you have a butler, you never want to go to being a butler. | ||
| Yeah, that would be diabolical. | ||
| Yeah, once you have some dude who stands there like a knight in front of a castle with his little white perfect tuxedo looking jacket on. | ||
| Or a tuxedo shirt. | ||
| I would love that. | ||
| The few times that I've gotten to fly first class, I mean, just having somebody come up once in a while and be like, is there anything I can get for you? | ||
| Anything at all. | ||
| It's always just the greatest feeling. | ||
| I can't imagine having a full-time Barnesworth. | ||
| They would grow to hate you. | ||
| They would taser you like David Spade's guy tasered him. | ||
| But I totally think that... | ||
| David Spade out of Barnesworth. | ||
| And he tasered him? | ||
| Attacked him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, attacked him. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| I wasn't there. | ||
| Allegedly tasered him, fucked him up. | ||
| It was like a big case. | ||
| It was in the news. | ||
| I think the dude just got enough. | ||
| David Spade had a butler, huh? | ||
| Enough! | ||
| He had an assistant, which is a milder version of a Barnesworth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, some dude follows you around, tells you when you're supposed to be somewhere. | ||
| His name is Skippy. | ||
| Skippy. | ||
| Do you guys remember Skippy from Family Ties? | ||
| No. | ||
| Remember Skippy from Family Ties? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was on that show with Michael J. Fox and then went from that into stand-up. | ||
| And he would be on the road in places we were in the early, early days. | ||
| What does he do now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| Screech did that for a while too, right? | ||
| From Saved by the Bell? | ||
| I had to roast him one time. | ||
| We did one of these roasts of the... | ||
| No, it was the roast of Ron Jeremy. | ||
| And I had to roast Screech. | ||
| Oh my god, it was so much fun. | ||
| He's completely out of his element, but it was so much fun. | ||
| I told him, nowadays when I watch episodes of Saved by the Bell, I think to myself, why couldn't there be a school shooting back then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Too soon! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Too soon! | ||
| Too soon. | ||
| I guess he stabbed someone at a nightclub in Minnesota. | ||
| Did he stab someone or was he involved in a stabbing? | ||
| I had heard about it. | ||
| He was at a bar. | ||
| Some dude was fucking with his chick. | ||
| He pulled out his knife. | ||
| I was actually talking to him the day before that happened and then the day after that happened. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What's he like? | ||
| He's nice. | ||
| I like him a lot. | ||
| Is he a good guy? | ||
| You called him or he called you? | ||
| Did you reach out to the speech out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| DM'd each other. | ||
| Jamie's clearly had too much. | ||
| I mean, Tony's clearly had too much weed today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Reach out to the Screech Alex. | |
| That came out of your mouth. | ||
| You know what's funny is last time I did a podcast with you we talked about puns and I defended puns and I said only people that can't make puns I've been getting, like, smashed in my Twitter mentions in a great way. | ||
| Like, people send me, like, funny things that they thought of, and it's, like, my favorite thing. | ||
| Now people are like, hey, this happened today, crazy pun, right? | ||
| Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they send me the thing. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Now, you love those. | ||
| Those to you are like little gifts that the universe gives you. | ||
| And you know they're corny because as you're saying them, I see your smile starts to turn up as you're saying it. | ||
| It's my favorite thing. | ||
| Fucker. | ||
| It's so like, because they're always in the moment. | ||
| I always love stuff that's like, right, that like just happened and only can last a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fleeting. | |
| Yeah, fleeting. | ||
| So, um, this is the special that comes out this Friday, is the one that you did at our world-famous Ice House Comedy Club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Our favorite spot, or one of our favorite spots right next to it. | ||
| Oh, let's play the trailer. | ||
| Is there a trailer? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Play the trailer. | ||
| A little something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Powerful Tony Hinchcliffe entrepreneur. | |
| That's me. | ||
| That's how it starts. | ||
| This is how it starts. | ||
| It's one complete shot. | ||
| This is what's really cool about it. | ||
| You follow Tony from the outside where he's smoking in front of the headliner spot in the parking alley into the club and on stage and it never misses a beat. | ||
| One continuous take. | ||
| No cuts. | ||
| No editing. | ||
| But there is a cut right there in the trailer, unfortunately. | ||
| Or else you'd see Joey Diaz bringing me up, which is awesome. | ||
| Why'd you throw your cigarette on the ground at the beginning of the video? | ||
| Because you're a fucking slob. | ||
| Because I'm done. | ||
| Because you're littering. | ||
| I had a Barnesworth there to pick it up, don't worry. | ||
| You did not have a Barnesworth. | ||
| You just wanted to be the cool guy. | ||
| Josh Martin. | ||
| A.K.A. Barnesworth. | ||
| We gotta call him Barnesworth right now. | ||
| It's a Barnesworth. | ||
| Don't you fucking do his list. | ||
| I have no idea why these guys call me Barnesworth now. | ||
| I was with somebody the other day, and I was like, who was your favorite comic on the night? | ||
| And I had Josh on the show, and she goes, oh, Josh Martin was my favorite. | ||
| I'm like, Josh? | ||
| Really? | ||
| You like Josh? | ||
| And she goes, dude, he says rape with a W. That was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's killing. | |
| He's absolutely murdering. | ||
| I've been randomly, you know, Monday nights are weird. | ||
| I randomly, once in a while, just go to check in at like 10 p.m. | ||
| whenever we're done with the podcast every time. | ||
| And he's always on because he just got done with our podcast. | ||
| So he has a thing where he always gets to go on right when we're done. | ||
| So he goes downstairs. | ||
| And that's always, I always say hi to a few people and then I'm in there. | ||
| He's murdering right now. | ||
| Josh that like has that speech impediment with his eyes. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| He followed Rogan on The Secret Show the other day, like 300 people. | ||
| He had to go up right after Rogan. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| He did okay. | ||
| He stayed alive. | ||
| He stayed alive. | ||
| That's really tough. | ||
| He's only been doing it, how long now? | ||
| Two and a half years. | ||
| I fell in love with him the first time that I saw him. | ||
| I was hosting that night and they were making some little promo video for the Comedy Store and it was the first time that I ever saw him on stage. | ||
| And they asked me to interview, you know, just walk around and explain how potluck works because they wanted to make a little two-minute video for the comedy. | ||
| So I think it's still on their website, actually. | ||
| And I talked to him and I met him that night and I go, what do you do for work? | ||
| He goes, I'm a manager at a McDonald's, like an hour outside of Los Angeles. | ||
| I'm like, you have such an interesting look and you sound so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That if you get good at this, you are going to be un-fucking-stoppable. | ||
| And I'm starting to see this fucking, like, when the car starts to turn over and it's like... | ||
| You're like, ooh, there's a fucking engine in here. | ||
| I'm seeing it every Monday. | ||
| And like I said earlier, there's nothing more fun than watching people that you know and that you root for just fucking start ripping it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's doing it right now. | ||
| It's so cool, especially since he has such a defined style. | ||
| Like, he literally, you know, they say it takes 10 years to find your voice, but he has his voice, like, literally. | ||
| As long as he keeps doing it and wiring... | ||
| So, no speech therapy? | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| Oh, no way. | ||
| I say you fix that, you're crazy. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| This was, like, literally, I think, his first time at the comedy store. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| And he's bombing. | ||
| It's probably really quick. | ||
| Oh, we don't want to watch him bomb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| There's no reason to watch that. | ||
| But this was like his first time up. | ||
| And I go, dude, you gotta fucking get in the game, bro. | ||
| And sure enough, he did. | ||
| Well, he works at the store now. | ||
| Yeah, he's worked there for... | ||
| And he's been the producer of Kill Tony. | ||
| I mean, this guy fucking hustles and he tries to do as many spots as possible. | ||
| I've watched him grow on and off stage because he used to start arguments with people and just talk shit. | ||
| It's one of the guys, like so many others, where you get to watch him grow as a human. | ||
| For some people, doing stand-up comedy, all of a sudden you're in a social setting for the first time ever. | ||
| It can be a real bad scene when you're struggling and you're young. | ||
| We could have no future. | ||
| Lived in his car for a while. | ||
| Paid dues. | ||
| For a while, like over a year, he lived in his car. | ||
| One time, Brian Moses, on the way to the Ice House, he had to pee. | ||
| I was in the car for that, and it was the most unbelievable thing ever. | ||
| So Josh is driving, in the car that he sleeps in. | ||
| His house. | ||
| We're going to the Ice House for one of these Friday night shows. | ||
| I'm sitting shotgun, and our good pal Brian Moses hosts a roast battle. | ||
| He's sitting in the back seat. | ||
| We're almost there. | ||
| We're like five minutes away. | ||
| It's like a 25 minute drive, right? | ||
| All of a sudden, Moses is like, oh fuck man, I gotta pee bad. | ||
| Like real bad. | ||
| Oh fuck, I'm peeing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And me and Josh are both like, what? | |
| Are you really? | ||
| He's like, I can't stop it now. | ||
| I'm peeing. | ||
| He just pisses himself? | ||
| Yeah, I'm like... | ||
| Out of nowhere? | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| I hope Moses doesn't mind me telling this story. | ||
| It's way too funny to not tell. | ||
| Sorry, Moses. | ||
| You're cool. | ||
| You're cool. | ||
| You can handle this. | ||
| But what's unbelievable about the story is who cares that he peed himself? | ||
| What are the odds that a guy peed himself that never pees himself ever? | ||
| What are the odds that he peed himself in the backseat of where this kid sleeps? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now he has to, no matter where he's staying, has to put his feet on that end of the back seat and his head on the other side. | ||
| And by the way, if he'd just given a few minutes a warning, we could've gotten off and eaten. | ||
| Who has to pee so quick? | ||
| I almost forgot how great this story really is. | ||
| It was on the ice house, right? | ||
| Because they came right to the ice house. | ||
| And then Brian just says, I just had to go. | ||
| It just came out of nowhere. | ||
| I just had to go. | ||
| And you could tell, even as it was happening, he's like, yeah, this never happens. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck's going on. | ||
| Well, it happens when people poop themselves, right? | ||
| That almost makes more sense. | ||
| Like, sometimes people get diarrhea, and you're like, oh, God, like, I remember just a couple weeks ago, I barely made it to the toilet. | ||
| I had these insane pains in my lower stomach, and I was climbing, I was going upstairs when I started to have them. | ||
| I'm like, oh, no! | ||
| Like, this is like a real battle. | ||
| So I was squeezing. | ||
| And I couldn't talk to anybody. | ||
| I'm like, I can't talk, can't talk, excuse me. | ||
| And I had to push past my kids and get to the toilet. | ||
| And I shut the door like, Daddy's gotta go, hold on, I'll be right out. | ||
| And they're asking me questions and shit. | ||
| And I sit down, I had to lock the door. | ||
| Because they start working the knob. | ||
| Like five-year-olds saying, give a fuck if you have to go to their bed. | ||
| This doesn't register with them. | ||
| They're like, Daddy, I have to talk to you about something. | ||
| I'm like, hold on, hold on. | ||
| And it just, rah! | ||
| It rushed out of me like a horde of barbarians, just swinging broadswords and fucking pushing the enemy over the cliff. | ||
| It was insane how it was coming out. | ||
| I can't even imagine. | ||
| You must have like real man shits. | ||
| Like I could never eat my little tiny deer droplets come out. | ||
| But you're starting to eat meat now. | ||
| Tony eats meat now. | ||
| Tony has a different diet now. | ||
| I've been eating meat for a few weeks and I am pumped about it. | ||
| I'm excited about it. | ||
| I had a whole chicken breast yesterday. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| You went from being a vegan to being a carnivore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Steak sandwich for dinner last night, chicken breast for lunch. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| What pushed you over the top? | ||
| Besides the mocking of everyone around you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was mostly that I wanted to have friends again. | ||
| Uh... | ||
| My dad. | ||
| I didn't get to go back to Youngstown where I'm from for a few years. | ||
| I've just been, you know, it's blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| But anyway, I went into my dad's restaurant. | ||
| He owns a great Italian restaurant where I'm from in Youngstown. | ||
| Give it a plug. | ||
| Well, I actually shouldn't. | ||
| Probably a bad idea. | ||
| Yeah, I've talked about other stuff about him on another podcast. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| What's his restaurant? | ||
| Applebee's. | ||
| It's an independent, great Italian restaurant. | ||
| But he looked at me so disappointed when he goes, Alright, what do you want me to make for you? | ||
| I'm going back. | ||
| I'm going to make something. | ||
| And I go, Whatever you want. | ||
| I don't eat meat and I don't eat dairy. | ||
| And the look he gave me. | ||
| It was like Emperor Palpatine electricity out of nowhere and you're just like... | ||
| Oh my god 31 years this guy's been my dad and I've never gotten a look of like he stopped and looked at me Confused and sort of like turned his head like a dog. | ||
| Like are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| So is your dad like Sebastian? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Yeah, my dad's like a complete perfect hybrid of Sebastian and Dice. | ||
| That's my dad Complete hybrid of those two guys. | ||
| Are you Kidding me? | ||
| So then and there you quit? | ||
| No, he waited until he got back and then did it the day he got back. | ||
| Well, nobody out of all the years, out of everything, it's been, you know, it was like five or six years of vegetarianism, veganism, but I eat fish, so it's like pescatarian, but I don't eat dairy, so it's weird. | ||
| Anyway, nobody's busted my balls more about it than Brian Redband here and our very good friend Pete, because I hang out with them all the time. | ||
| And so something happened, and I just sort of like, after the few days of being back and being like, I wonder how good my dad's... | ||
| I mean, the seafood pasta that he made for me was the most mind-bending seafood pasta I've ever had in my life, but there was something about the look that he gave me. | ||
| In which it's like, do you have any idea what you're missing out on, you fucking idiot? | ||
| I'll make you the seafood pasta shirt. | ||
| Your face looks fuller. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His body looks fuller, too, I think. | ||
| Yeah, it looks like you've stopped this growth stunt. | ||
| Like, you had maybe, like, a bend in a garden hose, and just opened it up, and now you're starting to fill in. | ||
| Have you seen his butt lately? | ||
| Look at his little butt. | ||
| He's got a new butt. | ||
| You got a little butt? | ||
| Show me your butt. | ||
| I don't have a butt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show me your little butt! | |
| You do seem... | ||
| Are you really standing up to show your butt? | ||
| Don't listen to him. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was looking to see if I had a butt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't listen to him. | |
| I wasn't showing you. | ||
| I was looking to see if I had one. | ||
| How could you check? | ||
| How could you be sure? | ||
| That's a terrible angle. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| There's no way to be sure. | ||
| I actually think he's right. | ||
| See that little poop? | ||
| Are you lifting weights or something? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Squats? | ||
| No, no squats. | ||
| I just have a couple dumbbells. | ||
| I just work shoulders and press and curls. | ||
| You should go to a trainer. | ||
| Yeah, I should. | ||
| You know what would be a funny show? | ||
| You and Brian. | ||
| Losing weight and gaining weight. | ||
| Both of you together. | ||
| In and out. | ||
| You can call it In and Out. | ||
| What's creatine? | ||
| Creatine. | ||
| Yeah, everyone says I should do that. | ||
| It helps muscles recover and it helps them grow. | ||
| And it helps them retain water. | ||
| And some people, when you take too much of it, it gives you kind of like a puffy look because you'll retain like a little bit more water, apparently. | ||
| I don't want to talk out of school, but it's definitely been shown to be beneficial for gaining muscle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's also something that they measure if you are over-trained. | ||
| I think it's called creatinine. | ||
| I think it's a little bit of a different thing. | ||
| But it's something that shows the damage of your muscles. | ||
| So if you're grossly over-trained, you might have really high levels of this stuff. | ||
| I know of a guy. | ||
| There's a guy I think was pulled out of a fight because of it. | ||
| Like, they tested him, and he tested really high for this creatinine stuff. | ||
| I want to say Tim Catalfo. | ||
| It's hard for me to remember. | ||
| But there was another organization outside the UFC a long time ago. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| I don't know how I remember that. | ||
| But creatine works. | ||
| It's legal, too. | ||
| Also, what's your energy, like five-hour energy before doing our workout? | ||
| Is that bad for you? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm so paranoid because this thing tracks your heartbeat at all times. | ||
| Well, the milligrams of caffeine, if you look at a five-hour energy drink, I think it's only a little bit over 200 milligrams of caffeine. | ||
| It's vitamin B12, which is healthy for you. | ||
| You get some stimulation from that. | ||
| It's a lot of vitamin B12. But vitamin B12 is water-soluble. | ||
| It goes right out of your system, in and out. | ||
| You'd have to take a giant amount of it for a long period of time to have any negative effects. | ||
| So using it as a stimulant or a potential energy source like that, five hour energy is fine. | ||
| It's not bad for you. | ||
| The only thing with the five hour energy is you could have a niacin flush. | ||
| You ever have one of those? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, I take niacin. | ||
| I take flash niacin, which makes my whole skin tingle. | ||
| It makes me fucking red. | ||
| Bright red? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shit's really good for it. | ||
| I've had it happen before. | ||
| I went on this five-hour energy thing where I thought five-hour energies were just the greatest thing for a while. | ||
| And maybe like my 10th or 15th one over like a couple months and... | ||
| One of those hit me and it just freaked me out. | ||
| Oh, you got a niacin flash? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Steve, that's nothing compared to taking the actual niacin. | ||
| You take actual niacin, it's nuts, man. | ||
| The feeling you get, the tingling on your skin. | ||
| It freaks some people out. | ||
| It freaked me out. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's a supplement. | ||
| I like it because I know it's not going to kill me, but you're feeling the reaction of this nutrient. | ||
| It makes your skin tingle and flush. | ||
| Yeah, they call it flash niacin. | ||
| But it's an essential nutrient, really good for your body. | ||
| A lot of people are low in it. | ||
| Good for sex, I imagine. | ||
| Oh, shit, yeah, son. | ||
| Well, it's also, that's what, the stuff like nitrous oxide, which a lot of people take, like different pump-up. | ||
| Crackers. | ||
| Those things, they have a similar effect to Viagra and Cialis. | ||
| They have a similar effect in being like, somehow or another, it aids the blood flow or it stimulates the blood flow. | ||
| A lot of those same drugs are banned in the Olympics, like Viagra and Cialis is banned in the Olympics because it's actually a performance-enhancing supplement. | ||
| Not that they judge you when you're fucking, but that your muscles... | ||
| The reason why your dick gets harder, everything gets bigger. | ||
| You get harder. | ||
| Your body has more resources available for a brief amount of time. | ||
| At least they determined enough to make it illegal in the Olympics. | ||
| Pretty interesting stuff. | ||
| I wonder if there's any sports where having a boner actually helps you at the time, like Javelin. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wrestling. | ||
| Freak the other guy out, right? | ||
| Yeah, just let him know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is to the death. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Taking Salis and Viagra sucks when you're working out, though, because you can't control it when you're on the treadmill and stuff, so you just have crazy boners and all these guys. | ||
| Well, you've got to tap homeboy down. | ||
| Tack him down. | ||
| You've got to have some tight jammies. | ||
| You can't be running around. | ||
| Yeah, you can't be wearing those There's a guy at the gym that has that muscle. | ||
| There's a guy at the gym that has that crazy bodybuilder. | ||
| But it's so ridiculous. | ||
| It looks like he pumps the gel in to that point. | ||
| It's so uncomfortable when he's around. | ||
| They do do that, man. | ||
| You know about that stuff? | ||
| There's this stuff called synth oil that some crazy people shoot into their bodies to make it look like they have giant muscles. | ||
| But they don't really have giant muscles. | ||
| They have these oil-swollen limbs that don't look real. | ||
| So it looks like they have fake boobs on their arms, fake boobs on their shoulders, fake boobs on their boobs. | ||
| There's a weirdness to it, where you can tell that the guy's not really strong, but he has these crazy, fake, giant arms that don't look real at all, and giant traps. | ||
| Like, there's this one, like, look at this guy. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Yeah, that's Synthol. | ||
| That's what the guy looks like at my gym. | ||
| It's scary looking. | ||
| Yeah, look at that guy. | ||
| If you cut that guy open, he would spill out like a bottle of olive oil. | ||
| That's exactly what he looks like. | ||
| That's so creepy that these guys make their entire lives around the size of their bodies. | ||
| What is this guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this shit. | |
| Popeye. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| Even Popeye wasn't that ridiculous. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| Oh my god, look at his arms, man. | ||
| Look at his neck boob. | ||
| Well, that's all... | ||
| All that synthol, because look at his abs and look at his chest. | ||
| It doesn't even make any sense. | ||
| He has a built-in neck pillow. | ||
| It must be fun to fly with. | ||
| What was that other one that you just showed? | ||
| Is that the guy, what he used to look like? | ||
| Oh, Photoshop face. | ||
| See, that guy, that's a real bodybuilder body. | ||
| That guy, that's just steroids and lifting weights. | ||
| You can tell the difference when you see those synth oil bodies. | ||
| There's a video of one. | ||
| Find the video of the Brazilian dude. | ||
| There's a Brazilian dude who's got a shirt off and he's dancing. | ||
| And it's so weird, man. | ||
| You're looking at his tits move and his shoulders move and his biceps move. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck is... | ||
| Why? | ||
| They get crazy, but it's just like anorexia, man. | ||
| You don't know what you look like. | ||
| Your mind gets warped. | ||
| Oh yeah, body dysmorphia is 100% real. | ||
| People's, their mind gets warped and they just decide, I'm not skinny enough, and they just keep starving themselves, so there's nothing left. | ||
| That happens with people that get all kinds of crazy shit done to them. | ||
| Did you see Amy? | ||
| The documentary on Amy Winehouse? | ||
| I didn't want to watch it, man. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Someone was sitting next to me. | ||
| Maybe it was Ian. | ||
| We were on the plane. | ||
| Was it you? | ||
| It was Jamie. | ||
| We were watching it. | ||
| I looked over a little bit of it. | ||
| I'm like, I don't want to watch this kid having a great time, having all this talent, and then turn into a junkie and fall apart and an alcoholic. | ||
| It just makes me sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's depressing, man. | ||
| Well, the main thing is that she had dysmorphia and she was totally bulimic the entire time. | ||
| And it's probably basically what sort of killed her is like her body was just on complete shutdown. | ||
| When you get to that point, you know, her face started swelling up. | ||
| Like there's crazy things that happen deep into bulimia. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| So towards the end she had bulimia? | ||
| Oh, she had it the whole time. | ||
| And it was like a huge part of everything. | ||
| She would always just throw up everything that she had. | ||
| But an amazing documentary. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It starts with this... | ||
| There's like so much old video footage of her. | ||
| And it starts with her hanging out with her friends. | ||
| And they're singing happy birthday to one of their friends. | ||
| There's like five girls all hanging out. | ||
| And they're just like little girls. | ||
| Like, I don't know, 10, 11 or 12. And they're all singing Happy Birthday, and then she keeps going on this solo, and you're like, oh my gosh, already totally a star. | ||
| She has that Amy Winehouse fucking voice that just kills. | ||
| No, I love it also, the documentary, because she was amazing. | ||
| She just had pipes, and she has that cool old bluesy fucking big band feel that just gets me pumped up. | ||
| I've been listening to a lot of it. | ||
| Yeah, I listen to her a lot. | ||
| I've always been a big fan of hers. | ||
| But she has this, there's like an authenticity to the sound of her voice, right? | ||
| Yeah, totally, totally standalone. | ||
| Almost there with like an Ella Fitzgerald type or like... | ||
| Have you ever heard of Ray Montague? | ||
| La Montague? | ||
| Is that how you say his name? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I can't remember what he's done. | ||
| There's this fucking guy, Rose, at the Comedy Store. | ||
| She, out of nowhere, she goes, we're leaving. | ||
| Everybody's leaving, and she pulls into the parking lot, and she's like, you gotta hear this fucking song. | ||
| She goes, you gotta hear this guy. | ||
| I go, who? | ||
| And she goes, I mean, it's out of nowhere. | ||
| She's like this guy, Ray Montague, and he's got this song. | ||
| No, not Trouble. | ||
| It's not Trouble. | ||
| He's got this song, Jolene. | ||
| See if you can find Jolene. | ||
| So she plays this song. | ||
| Yeah, there it is, Jolene. | ||
| That's like his most famous one. | ||
| Wait till you hear this motherfucker's voice. | ||
| Don't play it until you get everything in line, because I don't want it to half-play and then play again. | ||
| Because this guy, his voice is so good, it deserves to be uninterrupted for the brief amount. | ||
| Don't do a live version. | ||
| Do the studio version. | ||
| Is this a studio version? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Hear this real quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that as loud as it gets? | |
| Just listen to it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| What's this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's this? | |
| That's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| That's an undeniable bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's got like a touch of that Rod Stewart raspiness, but not like all the way Rod Stewart. | ||
| Well, he's just him. | ||
| He's him. | ||
| You know, whatever. | ||
| It's kind of raspy, but I wouldn't compare him to anybody else. | ||
| He's not like a Rod Stewart. | ||
| He's got his own vibe going on, man. | ||
| That's a crazy song, too. | ||
| A song about a junkie that's just telling his love. | ||
| I'm not going straight. | ||
| Like, this is it. | ||
| I'm fucking riding it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoo! | |
| That's a dark song with a fucking soul to it. | ||
| Is that a guy that's still alive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's still alive. | ||
| I mean, it's just a song. | ||
| He's not a junkie, for real. | ||
| No, no, no, I mean... | ||
| I mean, he actually might be. | ||
| He might be kind of fucked up, for real. | ||
| And that's another thing about the Amy thing, is it's like... | ||
| And Kurt Cobain, too. | ||
| It's like, what is that connection where these Freaky, freaky. | ||
| Both vocal-wise and they write their songs. | ||
| It makes you wonder, why is there always this crazy adverse effect on the other end? | ||
| Of heroin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, heroin has some sort of connection to like this deep moody pain that a lot of blues singers and a lot of jazz musicians and a lot of a lot of rock and roll stars figured out a way to tap into and find some resource of creativity in that realm. | ||
| It's just so destructive to your body while you're there. | ||
| It's just so devastating. | ||
| The fact that you're a junkie, you're not taking care of your health. | ||
| And it's not even necessarily even primarily the effects of heroin, but the side effects of the lifestyle of being a junkie, that the lack of sleep and the terrible life and the terrible food and just the chaos. | ||
| You know, that's that's what cripples them all. | ||
| It crushes them all. | ||
| There's people that are like functional junkies that exist for a long time. | ||
| They can live for a long time. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Even being an alcoholic, it's not just the alcohol. | ||
| It's also the lifestyle that you live. | ||
| This unhealthy lack of sleep, lack of recovery, lack of nutrients. | ||
| It's not just the alcohol. | ||
| It's the fact that because you're throwing all this alcohol down your shithole, It's affecting your whole body. | ||
| Those decisions to drink that much booze that affects everything you do. | ||
| You're not going to drink that much booze and also eat an incredibly nutrient-rich organic diet. | ||
| You're going to go to Air One and get a fucking salad bar. | ||
| You're not going to do that. | ||
| You're a drunk. | ||
| It all goes bad. | ||
| And I think with a lot of these junkies, they just give in to the fucking sound. | ||
| They give in to the siren. | ||
| They give in to the song of the beast. | ||
| It just takes it into its veins. | ||
| Then you sing a song like that. | ||
| That's another thing with Amy. | ||
| You also see that she had this amazing voice her whole growing up and she wanted to be a musician and she was doing good and she was doing good and good and good and good and then she started heroin. | ||
| And then it's like, immediately, you know, even the documentary shows, and it's like, alright, and she started doing heroin, all of a sudden it goes from these tiny little jazz clubs to, like, amphitheaters to whole new songs, you know, Rehab, the album Back to Black or Back in Black, which is just all hits, like, out of this world. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it, you know, made me wonder, it's like, wow, I just wish there was like a, uh, like some kind of, uh, What's the word? | ||
| Like, fake system or prototype or something that you could try that would be like, what would I write if I was on heroin? | ||
| I don't think you get to peek. | ||
| I think you have to open up the present. | ||
| We should all get together and find, like, a professional. | ||
| I'm not doing any drugs with you. | ||
| Do some heroin, ride the white snake, whatever. | ||
| Smoking pot with you is problematic 45% of the time. | ||
| Why would anybody want to do heroin with you? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Do you understand? | ||
| I always love that. | ||
| You never come to any of those mushroom trips with us either. | ||
| It makes me think you know something about yourself that you don't want us all to know. | ||
| No, it's just... | ||
| When I'm on mushrooms and stuff, I like hanging out and not being a retard and not having a bunch of people around me. | ||
| I like just... | ||
| You know, one other person, you know, either a girlfriend or, like, a best friend. | ||
| I don't need 20 people getting in my, like, 20 different things that could go wrong. | ||
| Well, not only that, at least one of them is going to have a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every time you have a group of six or more people that are doing mushrooms, one person freaks out. | ||
| They always freak out. | ||
| And that will become your problem if you don't watch out, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like being quiet. | ||
| Not just become your problem, but there's some people that when you're on trips with them, they want to dedicate the trip to their trip. | ||
| They want to dedicate your trip to their trip. | ||
| They want your trip to be about their trip. | ||
| Dude, I'm seeing this, and dude, this is happening. | ||
| Dude, I'm feeling this. | ||
| Like, hey, I'm over here doing my own thing, man. | ||
| I don't want to constantly be involved in your reporting of your trip while I'm tripping. | ||
| So if you have too many people together, you got to trip with someone who knows how to shut the fuck up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's a big part of it. | ||
| And that's what's incredible is that that always blows my mind is that's how it ends up happening when we take our little, like, the holiday that Ari Shaffir started Shroomfest. | ||
| So once a year we go out there in the middle of the beautiful desert. | ||
| You wait until the moon's at its brightest of the year, the supermoon. | ||
| And it's always incredible how quiet and beautiful it gets. | ||
| All these guys, like six, seven... | ||
| I guess it's normally like five, six, seven comedians that spend every other night talking. | ||
| You see them... | ||
| We all end up scattering. | ||
| It's not like we're sitting by a campfire or anything. | ||
| And you see little starry outlines of like, oh, that's Ryan Mervis over there just standing there. | ||
| It's amazing how quiet that beautiful desert can be with these personalities. | ||
| You almost feel like... | ||
| The power of it a little bit. | ||
| It's a potent psychedelic drug, man. | ||
| And if you use the right intention, if you have the right ideas going into it, and if you can handle it, you can get some wild thoughts out of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're very beneficial. | ||
| And people will dismiss people, like, you know, people that have done it, they'll do this, well, you know, I don't even like what he does. | ||
| He's done mushrooms, and why would I do it? | ||
| It's not disputable. | ||
| The experience is not disputable. | ||
| It's powerful. | ||
| It's undeniably powerful. | ||
| I mean, it might not be for you. | ||
| I don't know you. | ||
| It cures people of depression. | ||
| It cures people of addiction. | ||
| It cures people of cigarette addiction. | ||
| It cures people of alcohol addiction. | ||
| It gives you a chance to look at yourself in a way that you probably would never be able to get to without it. | ||
| And it'll give it to you for a short window. | ||
| You get to see yourself. | ||
| You get to see life. | ||
| You get to see intention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get to see the past, you get to see the present, you get to see it all combined together in some strange light of this otherworldly intelligence, this weird, like, overwhelmingly powerful new thought process that's going on in your head, where you're just overwhelmed and you're seeing things and the visualizations when you close your eyes are spectacular. | ||
| And somehow or another, it's illegal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| That's the best part about it. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| It's the stupidest thing to have illegal ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's the one thing that makes people better. | ||
| Like, we know it. | ||
| Like, John Hopkins University did the whole thing. | ||
| They did a thing on people that were dying. | ||
| People that had... | ||
| No, actually, it was personality. | ||
| That was a different one. | ||
| They did one on people that are dying. | ||
| They gave them psilocybin and significantly alleviated their stress levels. | ||
| And then they did another one on people. | ||
| The John Hopkins one was they had these people do a psychedelic experiment, psychedelic experience, and then like over a decade later, they were still saying that the quality of their life significantly changed after that experience. | ||
| A lot of them were saying it. | ||
| There's a lot of benefits to a lot of these different things that they made illegal in 1970. We just got to face up to the facts. | ||
| We got fucked by the same people that had Nixon in power, Lyndon Johnson and those type of people. | ||
| We shouldn't be held prisoner to these old ways of thinking. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But I think that law enforcement and a lot of people that control laws and have laws in place, they're very reluctant to give up a law or to admit that all the arrests that they made were unjust. | ||
| Because it opens up this giant box of shit, you know, like looking at all these people that are in jail for nonviolent drug crimes. | ||
| Now those drugs are legal. | ||
| What the fuck do you do with all those people in jail? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| When Seattle, they're letting people out. | ||
| They're letting people, people that were in for pot and people that were selling pot, they're dropping their cases. | ||
| You know, it's one of those things to where, you know, what's crazy is like, I guess you haven't seen Making a Murderer, but it's like... | ||
| I know the premise, though. | ||
| And the premise is that, like, you know, he was in prison for all those years, so maybe he did do this, and if he did do this, he did it because he learned these bad ways in prison. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which brings it back to the jug people, is it's like they might go in being a pot dealer and come out being a rapist murder because they jerked off for months to their bunkmate's fantasy that he told them, oh yeah, I tied this bitch up and it was the most fun. | ||
| And they're like, wow, that sounds interesting. | ||
| And they get out and just start doing crazy stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of those things, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, the recidivism rate of these prisons is insane. | ||
| And I did all this research on it when Jeff Ross did his prison special for Comedy Central. | ||
| I learned all about this stuff. | ||
| Jeff had a really powerful thing about that that he did. | ||
| Was it an interview or what it was? | ||
| I tweeted it. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| But he was talking about what he learned about the prison system and how hopeless it is for the people that get stuck inside of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you hear about things like that guy in Pennsylvania, that judge, that was sending these kids to juvenile detention, sending these kids up the river for like nothing because he was getting paid for it. | ||
| That guy, he's in jail now. | ||
| But he was selling children to prisoners, to prisons, to private prisons. | ||
| Essentially, that's what he was doing. | ||
| It was a scam. | ||
| He was being paid off to continue to supply them with prisoners. | ||
| So he was taking these kids and just... | ||
| Ruining their lives like ruined countless people's lives took people for minor offenses. | ||
| They should have never done time They're just kids and just locked them up and fucked them over and then kept them trapped and imagine how terrified you'd be your 15 16 year old kid and you do some normal kid shit and all sudden you get railroaded through this justice system and this guy who's corrupt Sends you to a detention to get you away from your parents and all sudden you're locked up in some fucking juvenile center somewhere with a bunch of real legit criminals Fuck man. | ||
| Yeah That's like insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It doesn't mean that all judges are bad, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Doesn't mean all judges would do that, but fuck. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Gotta come up with a better system for dealing with people. | ||
| Because it's almost like if someone does something wrong, we just write them off. | ||
| We just write them off and send them to this hole and lock them up in this cage where shit's just gonna get way worse. | ||
| And if you don't want shit to get way worse, you have to... | ||
| Followed by the rules or you get stuffed into a concrete and metal box forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Craziness. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| But what do you do? | ||
| What do you do with someone who is, like, a lifelong criminal and is broken mentally? | ||
| Like, how do you fix that person? | ||
| I think you put them in a stormtrooper type of setup and just make them a soldier and ship them around the country and program them to only be able to do certain things. | ||
| Like RoboCop programming? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hobo Cop. | ||
| You got to there just because you had Hobo Cop in your head, didn't you? | ||
| You said Robo Cop. | ||
| Hobo Cop, you set me up. | ||
| I wouldn't set myself up for a Hobo Cop thing. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What movie was that where they reprogram people's minds? | ||
| Universal Soldier, right? | ||
| Ah, that's it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You knew the answer to that before you started. | |
| And the other guy, not just Van Damme. | ||
| Yes, thank you. | ||
| Universal Soldier was the shit. | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's exactly what it was. | ||
| Look, that's totally possible. | ||
| That's probably possible before they even figure out how to do the robot thing. | ||
| They'll probably figure out how to program people's minds. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Man. | ||
| It's just a matter of time. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| It seems like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| We got lasers on. | ||
| It must be serious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was so hilarious. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Tiny Lester too. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Tiny Lester in the background. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Those movies were fun. | ||
| I roasted Tiny Lister at that same roast that Screech was at. | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| If someone came along, what if someone was in a motorcycle accident and they were essentially brain dead and some doctors came along and said that they have the ability to turn this guy into a soldier robot and he could go fight for his country? | ||
| Like, your brother's dead, Tony, but we can keep him alive and have him go defend his country. | ||
| We're gonna send him over to Afghanistan. | ||
| I mean, hey, might as well better there than buried, right? | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| Isn't that what Deadpool is? | ||
| Deadpool? | ||
| Deadpool the comic. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I think. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Isn't he of, like, superpowers or some shit? | ||
| They give him some sort of badass powers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| But he was gonna die, or he's given terminal... | ||
| Oh, see, that's a comic book that I was never aware of. | ||
| Me either, really. | ||
| So when this one comes out, I'm completely out of my element. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know anything about it. | |
| Yeah, me either. | ||
| That was a Marvel, though, right? | ||
| It was a Marvel comic? | ||
| They're doing some clever marketing for it, too. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Well, this is a movie that almost didn't get made, but then they made a really cool, like, trailer. | ||
| Someone made a fun trailer, and the interest for it picked up, so they decided to make the movie. | ||
| What's the movie? | ||
| Deadpool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Deadpool. | |
| They made this fake Valentine's Day to try to try to trick some people. | ||
| True Love Never Dies, Valentine's Day. | ||
| That's so great. | ||
| Rom-com style posters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Ryan Reynolds is taking full advantage. | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's going to be interesting. | ||
| There's going to come a time where they can sort of re... | ||
| Reanimate a human body. | ||
| Put an artificial brain in it. | ||
| It might be the first thing they do before they go to artificial intelligence. | ||
| Take some dude, get his head blown off. | ||
| It's like that dead dog. | ||
| His heart's still hanging on. | ||
| It's not thawed out yet. | ||
| Not thickened up. | ||
| Yeah, they just keep it going. | ||
| Just slap some robot head on there, screw it down. | ||
| Like Robocop style. | ||
| Like a pit crew. | ||
| Isn't it Isn't it funny how, like, RoboCop, when you watched that movie back in the day, was like, this is so never gonna happen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But today, you're like, well... | ||
| I bet they could probably do it. | ||
| We're probably pretty close to being able to come up with some artificial limbs that are more strong and more dynamic. | ||
| They just have to have some sort of a power source. | ||
| Yeah, there he is. | ||
| Robocop. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He had a dope outfit, too. | ||
| The new Robocop... | ||
| I never saw it. | ||
| I wasn't really into the new outfit. | ||
| The new outfit just didn't... | ||
| Is this the new one? | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Did you watch the new one? | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| I think that is the new one. | ||
| I met that dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| See, why doesn't he have his hands covered? | ||
| I'm going to chop your hands off, bitch. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| Then what you're going to do? | ||
| You've got to have your hands covered. | ||
| How come your mouth isn't covered either? | ||
| I'll shoot you right in the mouth hole. | ||
| We've identified the weak spots. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to have an exposed mouth hole. | ||
| Go for the mouth on your hands. | ||
| Yeah, why would you ever have an exposed mouth hole? | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't have it. | ||
| He's got his whole face. | ||
| Yeah, his whole face is ready to be shot. | ||
| Because I'm assuming there's a brain back there, right? | ||
| You've got skin. | ||
| I'm going to shoot right through your eyeballs. | ||
| What in your brain? | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like he's got like a regular human mouth. | ||
| Why would you have that when everything else is protected? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't project? | ||
| You have some sort of a speaker on the outside? | ||
| There's so many veins and important arteries that run around the neck. | ||
| How's he going to eat with no teeth? | ||
| He's going to get shot in the face with a cannon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is the new one in Detroit too? | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| That seems like the best place to put it. | ||
| Today it is, yeah, right? | ||
| No one seems to have seen this movie. | ||
| It must have been a robo-flop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He got you. | ||
| He out-punned you. | ||
| I went to it. | ||
| He went to it. | ||
| He had it. | ||
| He delivered it. | ||
| You were stunned, and now you're defensive. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| I actually went and saw the movie, and I ate a lot of popcorn during it. | ||
| I was a robo-slop. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| Robo-stop. | ||
| He double got you! | ||
| We're cleaning house in here. | ||
| Somebody grab us a robo mop. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, your guys' expectations are too high, right? | |
| Once you hear robo, you know it's coming. | ||
| This is a pun battle, like roast battle. | ||
| Red Band just one-toed you. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| He just one-toed you. | ||
| He pun-toed me. | ||
| Why do you keep making that noise? | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That's what you do with puns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I do with puns. | |
| That's what I do. | ||
| I go, oh. | ||
| How would you like me to react? | ||
| I'll do whatever you like. | ||
| I don't know, like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that. | |
| That's the pun laugh from now on. | ||
| Could you imagine if someone cracks a pun on stage and the whole crowd goes... | ||
| That would be awesome. | ||
| Dude, you're fucking manifested. | ||
| You better be careful what you wish for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, I love it. | |
| Careful what you wish for, young Tony. | ||
| Young Tony's gonna be with me Friday night in Atlanta. | ||
| Yeah, I'm gonna be with you when my special comes out. | ||
| And then Saturday night in Tampa, you will already be a star by the time you get on stage. | ||
| It'll already have launch and people will know. | ||
| And you'll be doing all new material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing. | ||
| You did this a few months back. | ||
| How many months ago? | ||
| March 2015. So it's almost a year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And in that time, you've got a whole new hour. | ||
| I have a new, yeah, 34. 35, somewhere in there. | ||
| It's ever-changing. | ||
| I've been realizing lately... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's wibbly-wobbly. | ||
| So you bounce some of it out and push some of it forward? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I started going all new as soon as I taped it. | ||
| A lot of guys, I guess, start when... | ||
| When it comes out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I was ready to move on anyway. | ||
| Well, you already knew also that you were going to try to get this on and you get ahead of the game. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Going out of the bat new. | ||
| Yeah, I just did the fighter and the kid and it actually came up that like, they're like, you know, are you doing all new stuff now? | ||
| And I talked about how, you know, working with you being, you're one of the few guys in the whole game that also, you know, I mean like generates, not also, you're one of the few comedians that has like a new hour a year. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Even though you've never said to me personally, like, you need to write more material. | ||
| Like, it naturally, I think, rubs off that, you know, you gotta just keep going and plowing. | ||
| Like, if you can do it with an hour and a half or two hours after my half hour, then I should be doing it with my half hour, you know? | ||
| So it's... | ||
| It helps a little when you do longer sets. | ||
| Longer sets on weekends helps. | ||
| But any time you can get in a half hour, if you can get in a half an hour set... | ||
| The real problem with LA is if you're going to do a spot in LA, you're probably going to get 15 minutes. | ||
| And when you get those 15 minute spots, most likely you'll have room for one or two new ideas. | ||
| I always try to balance it out if I'm doing new stuff, unless I did stand up on the spot last night, which is obviously all ad-libbed. | ||
| And that was really fun. | ||
| But when you do new stuff, you've got to kind of like... | ||
| It's hard to decide when to start the new stuff. | ||
| Do you open with the new stuff, or do you open with something established, get the ball rolling, and then introduce the new stuff? | ||
| You don't have a lot of time to fuck around in a 15-minute set. | ||
| Yeah, and I also like to bounce in and out once in a while of crowd work and improvising stuff on stage. | ||
| So that's also mixed into things. | ||
| And that's also part of the reason why I shot this in one shot. | ||
| Because I just went with my gut. | ||
| And I'm like, if things go off the track, that's normally when I shine. | ||
| You see, sometimes when we do our shows at those big theaters, I'll do a thing where... | ||
| I'll roast people, a group of people, if they come in late. | ||
| And I warn the crowd in the beginning, like if somebody comes in late, I'm going to light them up. | ||
| Our little secret, okay? | ||
| And the place just loves it. | ||
| And I love that, you know, just improvising in the moment. | ||
| I love that pressure. | ||
| I love like that feeling of like, you know, like being a quarterback and you feel like that linebacker coming, but you still have to get rid of the ball. | ||
| You have to just stay calm and deliver. | ||
| And I think part of the reason why I did it all in one shot is because I knew that if something, which it didn't at all, and I didn't end up doing any crowd work, and I sort of was half planning, like I was towing the line right before I went on, like, you know, you know, Anything can happen. | ||
| I knew that I only had one show, which is rare in itself when shooting a special, to only have one show and one audience and one camera. | ||
| And I was ready to do crowd work, but I just sort of, you'll see in like the first 15 seconds, I just sort of like, you know, just saying hello. | ||
| And then I go right into material. | ||
| I saw you get into it. | ||
| You get into it like a regular show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, I ended up just on material, and it sort of stayed on track. | ||
| There was a part where, I don't know, 35-40 minutes in or something, my throat goes completely dry, which never happens, but I was sort of choked up a little bit, and I take a sip of my water that's sitting there, and I go, most comedians take a sip of their drink when they're getting a huge applause break. | ||
| This is a special special. | ||
| Then they just giggled, because they all know Hey, I gotta take a leak. | ||
| I'm so sorry to interrupt you, but I've been holding this in for a while for some strange reasons. | ||
| So, Brian, talk to me real quick. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Hi, Tony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Normally, you bust my balls when I have to pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's the Brian story. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, it was cool doing the one-shot. | ||
| Did you, after it was done, did you think like, oh, I wish I would have done that different or this different? | ||
| Was there anything that you kind of wish, now looking at it, that you did different other things? | ||
| If you had the chance. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I mean, naturally, you know, after doing that, I mean, there's always like, you know, things that change or different. | ||
| Like, for example, like I close with, you know, even in March, I had a different version of the Cosby thing that I do now, but a totally different joke entirely. | ||
| You're like, Bill Cosby's innocent. | ||
| I know it's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| It was, because my Cosby joke now has everything to do with how he admitted to giving girls quaaludes in order to rape them. | ||
| And the Cosby joke that's on one shot just covers the fact that, like, basically it's all these little white girls that hooked up with a rich black man for the first time, and they just felt dizzy because his dick was so good. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So I just ruined the ending for that. | ||
| Is that a real curl? | ||
| And if you show the camera... | ||
| No, stop it. | ||
| I have curly hair. | ||
| With this one, it looks like it's a tightly curled curl. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It happens sometimes. | ||
| Did you have a bow? | ||
| No, it's just my curly Italian hair sometimes. | ||
| Remember when I had long hair? | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| I used to have an afro. | ||
| My apologies. | ||
| All good. | ||
| That was a close one. | ||
| It was interfering with my ability to form a conversation. | ||
| I was like, woo... | ||
| Maybe it's Brian Moses' story. | ||
| He's eternally planted the seed. | ||
| So just let it go. | ||
| That's not a good idea. | ||
| Imagine if we come in here and it just smells like piss every day. | ||
| Asparagus piss. | ||
| Have you ever peed yourself? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Who hasn't? | ||
| I mean, and then had to wear your pants for like a long period of time. | ||
| I pissed in a car once in a Mountain Dew bottle or something like that, like whatever I had, like some sort of a soda bottle, and got pissed all over my fucking hands. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's really hard to do because you don't realize that you need to have enough extra air. | ||
| Like, around it, or else it just sprays back at you. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| Gatorade bottle's good. | ||
| Gatorade's good, yeah. | ||
| It's very girthy. | ||
| Gatorade's... | ||
| But, like, other ones, you have to also use two hands, because you want to hold your dick over the hole, and you want to hold the bottle, and you can't do that while you're driving, so you're trying to, like... | ||
| Get your dick in between your two fingers and then use like your ring finger and your thumb to kind of hold the bottle while you're squeezing your dick through. | ||
| And don't put your balls in either. | ||
| Just keep those out when you're doing it. | ||
| There's no reason to put your balls in there. | ||
| Well, Brian can actually fit his balls into a bottle of Mountain Dew. | ||
| How does your balls get into a bottle of Mountain Dew? | ||
| Unless you have a moonshine jug in your truck. | ||
| Imagine if that's how you died. | ||
| You hit a bump and the moonshine jar broke and cut a vital artery under your cock as you're trying to piss in it. | ||
| Mountain Dew is a dangerous bottle to pee in because it's green. | ||
| So you may have forgotten that you peed in it. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| If you're just one of those fucking weirdos that picks up bottles on the floor of your car and just starts drinking warm liquid, then you can fuck up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to know this guy who would take a Mountain Dew bottle, Mountain Dew or ginger ale, one of those green plastic bottles, and he would fill it up with booze, and he would drink it all day long. | ||
| He was like a serious, serious alcoholic that I worked with on this construction site when I was a kid. | ||
| It was weird, man. | ||
| He would just drink all day. | ||
| It scared me. | ||
| It scared me watching him, because this guy who would just drink this stuff all day, and it was only a day or two into the job that I realized that it was booze, talking to people. | ||
| He would drink malt liquor. | ||
| Just all day. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Just drink a fucking... | ||
| And he lived in this house. | ||
| The house had no electricity. | ||
| Most of the windows were out. | ||
| We were working on it. | ||
| We were renovating this house, and he lived in it while we were renovating it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it was real weird. | ||
| And he was like a construction guy. | ||
| He worked with the guy who owned the construction company that was renovating the house. | ||
| And I'm pretty sure... | ||
| It was foggy, to remember, because I was a teenager. | ||
| But I'm pretty sure the guy who was renovating the house also owned it and was fixing it up. | ||
| And so this guy was living in it at the time, when it was like gutted out, just raw wood, no insulation, some windows are missing, and just some of the floor was missing. | ||
| And this guy would just get wasted all day, just drink, and shake. | ||
| Hands would shake. | ||
| And even on his hammer and nails and shit, his hands are shaking. | ||
| Carrying things out. | ||
| He was just deep in the web of addiction. | ||
| Did you ever see anybody like that when you were young? | ||
| Because you grew up in a rough neighborhood, right? | ||
| Yeah, I'm actually very close to somebody. | ||
| My oldest brother became, slowly over time, a big alcoholic, and he's been three months sober now. | ||
| Which is a miracle. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| Because it seemed like he was never going to stop. | ||
| And when he stopped drinking, he was shaking so uncontrollably that he couldn't even walk. | ||
| He would just fall down. | ||
| And he's a strong guy. | ||
| This is a guy who... | ||
| I remember going to Venice Beach with him when I came and visited... | ||
| Just to check this place out when I was 18 to visit our other brother. | ||
| Me and my brother came out to visit our brother that lived here. | ||
| And they played basketball on Venice Beach and they were just bawling all over everybody. | ||
| Like he's an amazing athlete and this and that. | ||
| And while he was doing that he was drinking? | ||
| Yeah, but when he was doing that, he was drinking at night. | ||
| Not like during the... | ||
| I mean, yeah, they were drinking during the day too. | ||
| There was so much booze that his body was just completely hooked on it. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Every day? | ||
| Every single day and night because he was a professional bartender. | ||
| And in Columbus, Ohio even has a big drinking culture. | ||
| Like, huge drinking culture. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it does. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| And he was like at the helm of it. | ||
| He's like the head bartender at all the best places in Columbus over the past 20 years or whatever. | ||
| And that even Columbus has a culture for it, but also I don't think a lot of people know that the restaurant industry has a real, real, real culture for it. | ||
| Everybody that works in fine dining restaurants goes out and gets shit faced every year, like 80, 90 percent of the people because you're taking care of people all the time. | ||
| You need to get fucked up. | ||
| You need to go get treated. | ||
| They walk in, shot, beer, shot, beer. | ||
| That's a big thing with restaurant workers, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| Huge. | ||
| Chefs, waitresses, bartenders. | ||
| Huge culture of it. | ||
| And I'm sure Barnesworth has to get liquored up once in a while. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Barnesworth probably does estrogen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just locks the door and just takes estrogen shots. | ||
| Drinks it. | ||
| But yeah, to watch my, you know, physically powerful brother. | ||
| Well, not watch, but I heard about it because he's in Columbus and I'm here. | ||
| That's dark. | ||
| But luckily he's doing really good. | ||
| Three months sober, which if you would have told me three months ago that he'd actually stopped drinking, you know, I would have said that's very hard to do. | ||
| I wonder if mushrooms were legal and if they had real treatment centers, how many people would be cured of diseases like that? | ||
| I want to say diseases, addictions like that. | ||
| How many people would be cured of a lot of different things that they've been struggling with psychologically? | ||
| We use Ibogaine here in America, which is super effective in Mexico and a lot of other countries where it's legal, where they use it for treatment for addictive diseases. | ||
| It's supposed to be incredible for kicking people off of pills and opiates. | ||
| It literally reprograms your addictive tendencies in your system somehow. | ||
| That's how I feel with Molly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Molly? | |
| Yeah, I think Molly really. | ||
| Well, they said that too about PTSD for soldiers, that Molly's giant for that. | ||
| The government paid for tests on psilocybin at Carnegie or Harvard or Cornell or some stuff, and they kept finding that it cured chronic depression on people that they had given up and just said, it's for life. | ||
| You're going to be depressed for life. | ||
| And I can totally see why. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It reprograms your brain. | ||
| It's like a shower for your brain. | ||
| Like when everything's just too cluttered and dirty. | ||
| It's the only real analogy that I think is effective for mushrooms. | ||
| It's like a brain shower. | ||
| I did this thing that I absolutely love that I found out about a couple years ago called neti pot. | ||
| You know about that? | ||
| You run warm water through your nasal passage, and it's the same thing. | ||
| Like, I think to myself every time I do it, like, I can't believe people don't know about this. | ||
| Do you know the squeeze one? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I have. | ||
| That's the real one. | ||
| That's what I have. | ||
| Boy, you blasted up there. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I blew off these crazy... | ||
| Remember how I used to use that when I had my nose operation? | ||
| When I had my nose chewed open, I had a really bad scar tissue inside my nose, and I had a deviated septum, and a lot of the scar tissue was like, it comes calcified, because if you've been hitting the nose a few times, if it bleeds inside your nose, it's like cauliflower ear, but inside your nose. | ||
| So they cut away all this different tissue and opened up this passage, and then to clean it, I used to use a water pick. | ||
| So I'd squirt the water pick up one nostril, and it would be pouring out the other nostril, and I would blow out these fucking titanic boogers. | ||
| They looked like they were from another planet. | ||
| They were giant, covered in blood, and they were like the size of a thumb. | ||
| Like they would come out and I would treasure them. | ||
| I'd be like, I want everybody to see this. | ||
| It was like your dick pic back in the day. | ||
| I showed it to Tom Segura. | ||
| I opened up the napkin for him to Tom Segura and he went... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He started retching. | |
| We're in the airport. | ||
| I'll never forget it. | ||
| I go, dude, I just fucking blew the most insane booger out of my nose. | ||
| I go, do you want to see it? | ||
| He goes, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Open it up and it's like just it's like rubber cement glue So like as you pull the pages aside the booger was so big that it just didn't seem like it come out of a human didn't make any sense and he's Immediately if you have to get that done though folks if you find a good doctor I know some people have had bad experiences with a doctor that didn't really know what they're doing That was a life-changer for me to get my nose cleaned up so I could breathe A neti pot. | ||
| I mean, you know, you gotta do it, right? | ||
| You gotta make sure you put the packet in and use distilled water and warm it up. | ||
| But, I mean, it's one of those things to where when I do it, I'm like, ooh, tonight's gonna be a good night. | ||
| Yeah, but if you have a broken nose, that's still not gonna work. | ||
| If someone... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Then you need to get that operation if you have a deviated septum. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| You really can't, like, do yoga correctly without breathing in through your nose. | ||
| It kept me from doing yoga a lot because they would always tell me, you have to breathe out of your nose. | ||
| I'm like, I don't have one. | ||
| It doesn't exist. | ||
| I can smell a few things, but it's just jacked in there. | ||
| So neti pots wouldn't have worked. | ||
| It just wouldn't have worked. | ||
| But now that it's clean, it works awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So salt water, too, because you pour those little salt packets in the water and shake it up. | ||
| It's my favorite fucking thing. | ||
| Do you ever find yourself, though, you bend over to tie your shoes like an hour later and some water leaks out of your nose? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Where the fuck was that water hiding? | ||
| In the corner. | ||
| Do I have a hole in my head? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Storing water? | ||
| Like, I bent over to tie my shoes, and I was like, what is this? | ||
| And it's just drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Happened to me during that set. | ||
| Like, just one little drop. | ||
| But that set last night when that lady's like... | ||
| No, Trump's never going to! | ||
| It came out of nowhere like, bloop, and I'm like, what is that? | ||
| You gotta just grab someone like that and take them out of the room. | ||
| You can't interrupt the show like that. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| Because that's one person. | ||
| The Irvine Improv's 500 people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's one person deciding that in 500 people that I'm sure a giant percentage of them are laughing, because I know the bit's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| That's why people were booing her before I even said, what's your problem, lady? | ||
| You just can't have to deal with that. | ||
| People don't get it because they look at you and they go, he's just talking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They go, oh man, he's going to make people in this room vote for Trump. | ||
| It's like, no, lady, you're the only one that's not realizing that you're at a professional show right now. | ||
| Well, not only that, how weak is your candidate where a comedian could talk you out of it and go, you know, he's right. | ||
| Fuck these poor people. | ||
| Bernie Sanders is an old loser. | ||
| Donald Trump's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think Trump really wants to be president? | ||
| Because it seems like he's going to be. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| And people are like, you're wrong, you're wrong. | ||
| He is way out ahead on the Republican side. | ||
| And more people are willing to vote Republican now than before Obama was in office. | ||
| There's a lot of people that have strengthened their resolve against liberals and against the left and against the Democratic Party. | ||
| It's highly... | ||
| If he just changes his tune on a few things... | ||
| He could get him. | ||
| I don't even know if he needs to change his tune. | ||
| He's saying stuff that I think a lot of people are thinking. | ||
| That's one of my alien boogers. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| That's a booger? | ||
| Yep, that was a booger. | ||
| Doesn't it look like a cockroach nest or something? | ||
| Yeah, so look at my hand. | ||
| It looks like one of the planets from Star Wars. | ||
| Look at my hand here. | ||
| Tatooine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because that's kind of an inflated picture, but you can see how big that was. | ||
| It was like that big. | ||
| That is like a real booger. | ||
| And that was a little dry. | ||
| When it came out, maybe a minute or two before that, it was a little larger. | ||
| When you had that crazy shit the other day and you're like pushing your kids out of your way and everything, do you remember what you ate or what caused that? | ||
| There's another one. | ||
| That's the one that made Tommy gag. | ||
| That's the very one that made Tommy gag. | ||
| He was like... | ||
| I took a photo of it in the bathroom, then I put it in a napkin and I brought it out to him. | ||
| That one really is. | ||
| That's something else. | ||
| What did you ask? | ||
| What did you just ask? | ||
| What made that crazy shit that you're talking about? | ||
| MCT oil. | ||
| Pretty sure I had too much MCT oil. | ||
| If you put too much MCT oil in a kale shake or a protein shake or something like that, occasionally there's like a tipping point. | ||
| I don't know how many cups. | ||
| I should probably figure out what's the beneficial dose instead of just adding capfuls. | ||
| And I might have added an extra capful. | ||
| And I might have drinking much more than I usually drank. | ||
| And whatever it was, the fucking click... | ||
| The seer snapped and the fucking opening was there. | ||
| It's funny, Max. | ||
| When you have five-year-olds, they don't want to hear nothing. | ||
| You can't say, the house is on fire, but daddy, I can't find my toy. | ||
| Whatever they're dealing with is so critically important. | ||
| I'm like, I gotta get in. | ||
| I'm gonna shit on you. | ||
| I'm gonna shit on you, little bitch. | ||
| Your face is where my ass is. | ||
| You better get out of the way. | ||
| I can't stop it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
With all my bite and my might, I was tightening up. | |
| Massive cramps. | ||
| Every squat you've ever done in your life counts for this moment. | ||
| The cramps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I was like, oh no, I don't know if I'm going to make it. | |
| There was that moment where I was like, I'm going to shit at least a little bit in my pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe if I just let a little prisoners out, let a few hostages out, then we can renegotiate once I get to the bathroom. | |
| I managed to keep it together just right to that point where I was like, wow. | ||
| And you just hear Mike Goldberg's voice. | ||
| It's all over! | ||
| It's all over! | ||
| MCT oil, though, will make you shit yourself. | ||
| Well, you have to be careful. | ||
| If you have too much of it, it will definitely... | ||
| It just lubes up the old pipes and just releases the hounds. | ||
| But it's probably a good thing. | ||
| Because once it goes through, like a blast out, boy, you feel great. | ||
| I've been taking healthier poops than ever lately with this new meat influx. | ||
| My body is just loving it. | ||
| They're so solid that every time now, every time I take a poop, you know, when you get the splash back, I'm at 100%. | ||
| I'm at 100% slash back now. | ||
| Splash back. | ||
| Have you ever had your butthole open up enough just after it splashes that it gets a little teardrop inside the bubble before it shuts? | ||
| And then a little bit comes out later when you tie your shoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you still eat vegetables though? | ||
| Are you still cognizant about it? | ||
| Oh yeah, totally, totally. | ||
| You definitely look different. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| Your face looks fit. | ||
| And I haven't even had breakfast or lunch today. | ||
| You look thicker. | ||
| Like your face looks thicker. | ||
| I feel better, yeah. | ||
| Vegans right now are so angry. | ||
| Why didn't you stay the course? | ||
| You just didn't follow the right, you didn't have enough quinoa on your diet. | ||
| What about avocados? | ||
| What about olive oil? | ||
| It's been a lot of fun to get back because I love food. | ||
| I'm huge on food. | ||
| Well, you guys went to Fogo de Chao, right? | ||
| That's where you broke your cherry? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's meat lover's paradise. | ||
| I've been to Fogo de Chao a couple times with you without eating meat. | ||
| Well, the salad bar is excellent. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You could easily fill up on the salad bar with no fucking meat whatsoever. | ||
| It's a great restaurant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those Brazilians know how to eat, man. | ||
| The chuhascarias, they're amazing. | ||
| If you don't know what it is, there's Fogo de Chal, Texas de Brazil, those are the chains, but there's a bunch of independent chuhascarias. | ||
| In a Brazilian-style barbecue, what it is is you have a chip, and one side is green and the other side is red. | ||
| And when it's green, they come over with these trays of meats, like sausages and chicken wrapped in bacon and filet mignon and picanha, which is like top sirloin, which is like the best one. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| They hide that. | ||
| I like that one all the time. | ||
| So many people want it. | ||
| And there was a place we used to go to that was called Picanha. | ||
| Where was that? | ||
| Oh, that's in Pasadena. | ||
| No, no, Burbank. | ||
| Burbank, right? | ||
| Isn't there a place in Burbank called Picanha? | ||
| Where was that? | ||
| I think it's in Burbank. | ||
| I think there's a place in Burbank called picanha, but it's the same, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Same style of food. | ||
| It's fucking so good. | ||
| Yeah, so they come over with these pitchforks with meat on them, these skewers with meat on them, and they slice it off. | ||
| Yeah, that's the one on the right. | ||
| Yeah, baby. | ||
| They hide it. | ||
| But if you like meat, you gotta go at least once. | ||
| It's so good, though, too. | ||
| They figured out the right way to baste it in front of an open fire. | ||
| You know, they slowly cook it. | ||
| So good. | ||
| And it's unlike, like, a regular steak where they come over and they slice pieces on the outside and they put them on your plate, and then they go back to cooking it again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, they baste it again with their, whatever they have that, it's like a salt and some sort of an oil to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I haven't had bread in 13 days. | ||
| Look at you, healthy bitch. | ||
| You looked a lot different, too. | ||
| When you came to the comedy store the other night, we were all saying that. | ||
| Yeah, I could clearly see it. | ||
| You were glowing the other day. | ||
| I even went home and mentioned to my girlfriend, I'm like, Brian looked good today. | ||
| Did you say that while you were inside her? | ||
| And she goes, what do you mean? | ||
| I go, he's been working out for like 24 hours and he already looks better. | ||
| She goes, that's impossible. | ||
| I go, no, I just think Brian was so unhealthy that literally, if he doesn't poison himself for a few hours, you start to turn into Tom Hardy or something. | ||
| Dude, it's great. | ||
| You're doing so much good shit now. | ||
| You're taking care of yourself. | ||
| You're on this kick that's lasted through the entire month of January. | ||
| You're doing your podcast now. | ||
| So much good shit's happening. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| It's awesome, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| How's it feel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's it feel? | |
| JonBenet Ramsey, you know? | ||
| You feel lighter? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What does JonBenet Ramsey mean? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Like, good fucked. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know what that... | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| He's laughing to cover up his own psychosis. | ||
| He's like the Joker now from Batman. | ||
| That Joker photo I made of Tony, that's crazy. | ||
| Have you seen that photo? | ||
| You know, that's like one of my dreams is I want to play... | ||
| Talk about it on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I really want to be the next Joker. | ||
| I think what Nicholson did is amazing, and I think what Heath Ledger did is great. | ||
| And I'd love to eventually get to the point to where, down the road, I could be a young Joker. | ||
| That's totally possible, especially if they keep making more Batmans. | ||
| And I think, especially if I keep... | ||
| Growing as a popular comedian, I think it's like a cool twist, like, you know, Marvel hires actual comedian to... | ||
| Play the Joker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who better? | ||
| Who better? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at you. | |
| Stand-up comedian turned evil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at you. | |
| Insult comic. | ||
| You feel it? | ||
| Turned evil. | ||
| Yeah, dude, you're born for that role. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're gonna die first before that happens. | ||
| Whoa, Jesus, bro. | ||
| I think we should all be. | ||
| Come on, Brian. | ||
| Brian, if you break your diet, you could be vain. | ||
| Brian, you were doing so good in this podcast. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Why go bad on us? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Tony, you've always felt like you're gonna die young and stuff, but you always talk about like... | ||
| What? | ||
| You have notes on me over there? | ||
| What are you checking? | ||
| No, I'm just checking your fucking Wikipedia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| There it is. | ||
| Brian made that to promote the podcast. | ||
| You look more like a zombie. | ||
| Well, that's the Jared Leto Joker that he made. | ||
| That's not the... | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Well, Jared Leto's Joker looked pretty fucking cool, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| So he's the Joker in the Suicide Squad, right? | ||
| He's another one that got... | ||
| He got ripped for that. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because the Joker's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| The Joker's the best bad guy of all time. | ||
| Why did he get ripped for it? | ||
| You gotta look that up. | ||
| Because the Joker's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Jared Leto's a bad motherfucker as an actor. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| But there's a thing where he shows himself working out in a Superman shirt or something. | ||
| What's the problem with that? | ||
| People just look for shit to complain about. | ||
| No, it's a good thing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| He's pumped. | ||
| Whoa, that totally could be you, Tony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Especially now with your new diet and fucking lifting. | |
| What kind of car is that? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that a real car? | ||
| It's a Pontiac. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie? | |
| See, they'll probably introduce some new car. | ||
| They do that sometimes. | ||
| Click on it. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Is that an Acura Anisex? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's a Jaguar, right? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Does it say? | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| It's a Vader G35. What is it? | ||
| A Vader. | ||
| A Vader? | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah, it's a Vader. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Some car I never heard of. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| It's so neat. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe, you're starting to make some money now. | ||
| You're ballin'. | ||
| You want to get a new automobile, Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| I have a sexy new Vader. | ||
| You want to get a new vehicle? | ||
| Um, maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I could see Tony in a Corvette. | ||
| Oh, God, I'd love a new car. | ||
| Yeah, no backseat. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Sorry, your friends can't come. | ||
| I want one so bad, but I have to be smart for a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at you. | |
| Look at you! | ||
| For a little bit. | ||
| For at least until Friday. | ||
| January 13th. | ||
| I want to spend everything. | ||
| When your new Netflix special comes out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| The 13th? | ||
| Is that what I said? | ||
| 15th. | ||
| Two days away. | ||
| How did I get it wrong both times? | ||
| By three. | ||
| I said 18th and 13th. | ||
| 1, 15, 2016. Oh yeah, by two. | ||
| I can't even count. | ||
| And a lot of cool guest appearances in it, like Joey Diaz brings me on stage, and Brian Redband, I high-five because he goes in and goes up after me while check drop happens and stuff, because it was a real show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Did you feel more comfortable because it was at the Ice House place you performed countless times? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| it i envisioned it home two weeks out when i booked it with by the way super huge shout out for the ice house sean sullivan over there two weeks out goes two weeks before i shot this he goes hey you want to headline the ice house is saturday 7 30 i go yes and quick question would you mind if i taped it with one camera in an attempt to shoot a special and he goes absolutely that'd be awesome i go oh okay Okay, bye! | ||
| And, like, you know, the rest is, like, history. | ||
| He was there that night. | ||
| In fact, a fun fact about that is, if you noticed, when we saw the trailer, there was one guy that sort of, like, walked off. | ||
| That's Sean, which I think is so cool. | ||
| It's like a perfect little tiny, tiny, tiny cameo. | ||
| You'd have to really pause it at the right moment to see him. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| But he was so responsible for it happening. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| Wait, what was the question? | ||
| Oh, yeah, being comfortable at the Ice House. | ||
| It was with the two weeks notice that I had. | ||
| I literally... | ||
| I'm not even kidding or exaggerating. | ||
| And my dreams at night was, like, envisioning it. | ||
| And I'd, like, you know, it would be a nightmare or a great dream, depending on, like... | ||
| But I was, like, picturing it. | ||
| And during the day, I was picturing it. | ||
| And where I wanted the Steadicam to be. | ||
| Because, you know, Ben Wolfensohn, my really good friend, amazing director, directed the beginning of Ari Shafir's special... | ||
| And Trip Tank on Comedy Central. | ||
| But this was my idea, shooting it all in one shot. | ||
| It's a great idea. | ||
| It's a great way also to capitalize on that small club. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, I knew I had to do something special to really stand out. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, because I don't have, you know, TV fame or anything like that. | ||
| That's so many, you know, networks and everything looks for. | ||
| Do you really think that anybody's going to view it based on the fact you shot in one shot? | ||
| I think more Netflix. | ||
| I think that's why they got it. | ||
| I don't think they're like, you know, let's take this nobody out of nowhere and, you know what I mean? | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| You would have got it anyway. | ||
| If you did that thing at the Irvine Improv, you would have still sold it to Netflix. | ||
| You're very funny. | ||
| You're very funny, you're doing great, and you have heat behind you. | ||
| You have heat behind you, and you're connected to a network of other comedians that have heat behind them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's another thing, because I'm so honored to be up there with Segura. | ||
| You know, who's came out two weeks ago and is amazing and everything about it's amazing. | ||
| Burr's whole fucking national persona changed. | ||
| Like, people really became aware of who Burr is. | ||
| Burr was always, like, peaking. | ||
| He was always, like, ramping up, becoming more and more famous every year. | ||
| But once his Netflix special came out, and it was probably his best special to date, he just smashed it and then became a guy who sold out Madison Square Garden. | ||
| And that's... | ||
| That easily could happen to you. | ||
| It could happen to Segura, too. | ||
| Segura's new special is even better than his other one. | ||
| He's fucking smashing it right now. | ||
| He's killing it. | ||
| It's the best platform for comedy. | ||
| It's an amazing time that we live in to where, like, that can happen. | ||
| A guy that's never done The Tonight Show, or I've never done stand-up on TV at all. | ||
| I'm starting first time ever in the public. | ||
| Netflix hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, think about Segura, too. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| He doesn't have, like, TV credits. | ||
| He's selling out theaters. | ||
| Over and over again. | ||
| They keep adding shows to his comedy works this week. | ||
| How about Sebastian? | ||
| Two shows Thursday, two shows Friday, three shows Saturday. | ||
| They just added a midnight for him in Denver Comedy Works. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Selling out comedy works. | ||
| Yep, yep. | ||
| Well, he's a monster right now. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's amazing. | |
| Well, he's a legit... | ||
| Like, world-class national headliner right now. | ||
| And it's all from, you know, working and grinding and doing specials on the internet. | ||
| It's amazing! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And from podcasting, you know, getting connected to people through podcasting. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| His podcast, too, him and his wife, Your Mom's House, they have this tour that they do on the road with it, and it's... | ||
| It's a whole thing of its own. | ||
| They have all these little things that people look forward to, like Tom or Black. | ||
| They'll play Tom or Black. | ||
| They have little games that they play. | ||
| When Brian and I do the road, when we go to ones that we drive to, like if it's a San Diego or a Phoenix or a San Fran or a Sacramento, which is the majority of the places that we do go, it's the only podcast that we listen to. | ||
| And we fucking crack up. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| You just laugh and laugh and laugh. | ||
| It's the funniest podcast. | ||
| It's the only podcast that I really listen to ever. | ||
| The last one I did with Tom, the last podcast I did with Tom, was one of the best ones we ever did. | ||
| It was fucking hilarious. | ||
| The entire time, we're just laughing and gagging and slapping the table for three hours. | ||
| Just me and him cracking each other up. | ||
| He's such a great guy. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| And he's just the best. | ||
| He gave me a call yesterday and gave me some cool advice and just is a great, great guy. | ||
| Because this Netflix thing is also a different... | ||
| It's uncharted territory and he's helping me out being like a cool big brother. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| To me as this whole thing happens and unfolds. | ||
| So I couldn't be luckier. | ||
| We're so lucky that something like Netflix exists. | ||
| Because if you do a special on anything else, like say if you do an HBO special, they air it whenever they air it. | ||
| You know, they might air it once, they might air it twice, they might air it a few other times, they might air it randomly at 3 o'clock in the morning on some special night. | ||
| But with Netflix, it's always there. | ||
| You just press start. | ||
| You just press play. | ||
| That's the secret. | ||
|
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|
That's everything. | |
| And with their amazing algorithms, the people that would like it are going to get a shot at it, you know? | ||
| Everybody has a different... | ||
| Screen when they turn theirs on based on what they watched and if they liked it and if they rated it and even if you don't rate things It still knows you that their algorithm is like world world world class. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| So the more that People would like you the closer you're gonna get to their front page. | ||
| So yeah, you know though I didn't know this the ratings on Netflix movies like if it says like four stars or whatever That's not actually the rating or the movie. | ||
| It's what they think you would say the rating is and What? | ||
| Yeah, so there was one movie I watched the other day, and I was like, how is it half a star? | ||
| That movie sucks so bad, but really, it has a half a star? | ||
| And I was like, oh, wait, if you look at somebody else's, it would be like three stars. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't know that. | ||
| That's bizarre. | ||
| Yeah, it's really bizarre. | ||
| That doesn't seem kosher. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| A star system should be kind of like what people think. | ||
| Maybe they wanted to get that to avoid a disgruntled person giving it really bad reviews under a bunch of different fake names or the opposite. | ||
| Maybe a company. | ||
| There's been that before where someone put out an independent film and then someone hacked into the iTunes comment section. | ||
| And it's all just overwhelmingly positive, like, fake reviews of this terrible fucking movie. | ||
| And then someone in the comments will post, these are paid reviews. | ||
| Like, this is not real. | ||
| This movie's fucking terrible. | ||
| I've seen that before. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| So maybe that's what Netflix is trying to avoid. | ||
| Rotten Tomatoes is pretty guilty of that in general, I think. | ||
| It's like, there's some... | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard when you've got a comment system. | ||
| People don't hack it. | ||
| You know, people, like, they've hacked iTunes ratings. | ||
| They figured out how to get higher ratings and pretend they have more downloads or have, like, multiple different... | ||
| Like, there's services that'll, like, download your shit just to, like, juice up your ratings and add comments. | ||
| And, like... | ||
| The algorithms that someone like iTunes has, they're easier to manipulate because they're based on downloads, they're based on comments, and they're based on new people. | ||
| So if you just have a bunch of new people sign up and then they leave a comment and they download it, it'll jump you up in the rankings. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
| But I guess you can only sign up for iTunes so many times though, right? | ||
| So that's probably how they avoid it, right? | ||
| And it has your public name on there, so it's like, even if you use your account, you don't want to be like, this sucks, and then have your real name on there. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's true. | ||
| Maybe iTunes is the right way. | ||
| But it seems like the right way, I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't think there's anything, like, Netflix might have a point there, though. | ||
| Like, in your circle of people that you like, what did those people think it was, star-wise? | ||
| Versus in the circle of, like, seven-year-old people that live in nursing homes. | ||
| What did they think of Bob and Dave's new show, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The fuck are we talking about? | ||
| We're talking business. | ||
| Stop talking. | ||
| Algorithms. | ||
| Yeah, algorithms. | ||
| All right, let's wrap this up. | ||
| Let's bring it home. | ||
| Friday, Tony Hinchcliffe will be with me in Atlanta in Hotlanta at the Tabernacle. | ||
| The shit is sold out. | ||
| If you did not get tickets, so sorry. | ||
| We'll be back. | ||
| But that night, Tony's One Shot will appear magically on Netflix in your queue. | ||
| That's Q-U-E. Download it. | ||
| Enjoy. | ||
| Let a motherfucker know. | ||
| One shot. | ||
| One shot. | ||
| Five stars. | ||
| Give that bitch five stars. | ||
| And then we'll be in Tampa on Saturday night, and then we'll be at the UFC on Sunday. | ||
| Excited about that one. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big one. | ||
| That's a big world championship. | ||
| Dominic Cruz versus T.J. Dillshaw. | ||
| That shit should be off the hook. | ||
| And a good end of the weekend for us. | ||
| Have a couple great shows and then head on there. | ||
| Brian Redband, who's your guest this week? | ||
| I'm still finalizing it, but I'll announce it soon. | ||
| It's incognito, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We keep it on the DL until we release, but you do them Fridays, right? | ||
| I usually do every Friday. | ||
| I have two episodes, one with Sage Francis and Sovereign and one with MC Crist and Christian Mingle. | ||
| It's called What Brian Redband Do. | ||
| It's on iTunes. | ||
| Subscribe, rate, and review. | ||
| Help me out. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| And January 22nd through the 24th, me and George Perez will be at the Brea Improv. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Okay, beautiful. | ||
| That's Death Squad TV. You can get information for that. | ||
| Kill Tony is every Monday, pretty much every Monday at the Comedy Store. | ||
| We have our biggest one ever this Monday. | ||
| The one that everybody's been asking for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The biggest one ever. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I'm not allowed to announce it because we're going to announce it on the Guy Who It Is podcast tomorrow. | ||
| So you're going to know who that is tomorrow afternoon. | ||
| And also, real quick, Caroline's headlining New York City for the first time ever. | ||
| February 5th and 6th, the week after we do the Beacon Theater together. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Caroline's on Broadway, February 5th and 6th. | ||
| Help me out, New York City, because I need to fill those seats. | ||
| And Beacon Theater's, I think it's sold out. | ||
| If it's not sold out, it's basically sold out. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| So if you're thinking about getting some tickets, jump on that. | ||
| That's end of the month. | ||
| All right, you fuckers. | ||
| Thanks, everybody. | ||
| Much love. | ||
| Bye-bye. |
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