Jan. 6, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:42:33
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Amy. | ||
| Young Jimmy, fix this fucking mess we have here. | ||
| Electronics fail, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do. | |
| They just do. | ||
| Sometimes they just go bad on you. | ||
| That's why people like mechanical shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like cars with a clutch. | |
| And they fail, too. | ||
| They fail, too. | ||
| He did three boards. | ||
| Three boards. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Young Jamie had to fire through a bunch of shit we have laying around. | ||
| Luckily. | ||
| We almost have enough. | ||
| If you're listening to this, you're like, this is in mono. | ||
| It's not even in stereo. | ||
| Is it stereo? | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| It's just like mine now. | ||
| I'm gonna sound like shit. | ||
| Well, you're in like one ear only. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's why. | |
| That's what I can only get us to one from what I had over here. | ||
| How do you sound to the regular people? | ||
| I'll fix it later. | ||
| I think it should be just fine. | ||
| But for right now, it's only gonna be left ear. | ||
| Well, if anybody's listening to YouTube on headphones, that means you're probably at work and you're fucking off. | ||
| So that's what happens. | ||
| You're definitely not working. | ||
| Do you know how many people listen to podcasts while they're working and don't really work? | ||
| Do you know how many people message me about how they're doing something pretty dangerous? | ||
| And they're like, I'm doing forklifts and moving shit around, but I'm laughing listening to podcasts. | ||
| That's really comforting, man. | ||
| But at least they're, well, if you work a forklift, you really need to listen to people, you know? | ||
| No, I guess not. | ||
| You can have those headsets on and have a good laugh. | ||
| I think a lot of them say they have policies where someone will tell them, hey, one ear free, you know, so that you can hear someone screaming, my leg's under this thing right now, you know, that kind of shit. | ||
| Isn't that the rule when you're driving? | ||
| Like, you're not allowed to have, like, full headsets on? | ||
| You're not supposed to, yeah. | ||
| But you can have one in. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| You can. | ||
| You can? | ||
| Definitely, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Legally? | |
| Yeah, you could drive. | ||
| I don't know, legally. | ||
| I'm guessing. | ||
| What am I, a lawyer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You'd be a great lawyer. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I would fucking argue to the end. | ||
| I think if you became a lawyer, and you were arguing all the time, you'd probably be a nightmare to be around. | ||
| Because you're probably always trying to win. | ||
| Well, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they do, right? | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Try to find their way out of technicalities. | ||
| What if you're a shrink, too? | ||
| And you're, you know, every conversation you get in, are you psychoanalyzing everybody? | ||
| Probably, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| That's got to wear on you, other people, for a while. | ||
| Like, will you knock it the fuck off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, when I was in college, that was the area. | ||
| I never really applied myself in college at all. | ||
| But the one thing that I was thinking of, like, if I had a job, like, what are things that I'm interested in? | ||
| Psychology did come up because I'd read a lot of, like, self-help books and psychology books while I was fighting to try to, like, manage my mind and anxiety and shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| But then I thought about it, I'd be like, you just be dealing with people with problems all the time. | ||
| And you don't, I don't necessarily want that. | ||
| I don't think that's a good idea. | ||
| Problems make your dick soft, that's why. | ||
| Does it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, when someone tells you their problems, I always feel like if you tell me your problems, you're making my dick soft. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Problems make your dick soft? | |
| I've never heard that expression before! | ||
| I always felt like that when I was dating, you know? | ||
| It's like you go out with a girl and she starts telling you your problems. | ||
| You're like, man, you're making my dicks off right now. | ||
| Depends on what the problems are. | ||
| The problems are, I'm my ex-boyfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just never wanted to eat my pussy. | |
| I don't know why. | ||
| Oh, that's a good problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a problem that makes your dick hard. | |
| Baby, we got solutions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got solutions for this. | |
| Problems. | ||
| Problems make my dicks off. | ||
| I've never heard that before. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| But now... | ||
| That's an original right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Problems make my dick soft. | |
| You should make a song. | ||
| I've written a few lyrics about it. | ||
| I really have. | ||
| Was it rap or singing? | ||
| No. | ||
| The way that I had it written out is that it's one of those songs that starts with banter between the piano player and the guy on the mic. | ||
| And he's like, you know, hey, Joe, how'd it go last night? | ||
| He's like, ah, man, you know, she came over. | ||
| But, you know, there's nothing I hate more than problems. | ||
| Like, oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Then you hear a little twinkle of the piano. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your problems, your problems make my dick soft, dick soft. | |
| That could actually be a funny song. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Yeah, you just need to team up with somebody. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's a sure sign that someone is not really into turning you on. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, they get together with you and they just start whining and complaining when you're trying to get your freak on. | ||
| Especially if it's early on and you're wondering. | ||
| You're like, I don't know where we stand. | ||
| And they start, if it's a girl that's downloading the problems on you, she's not interested in that dick at all. | ||
| Or she's just so into herself that you just gotta get out of there anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Time to bail. | ||
| Yeah, because when you tell someone about your problems, aren't you thinking while you're telling them, like, I don't want to fucking burden this guy with my problems. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So when someone doesn't think like that... | ||
| They're very self-obsessed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just thinking about themselves. | ||
| That's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I told her, I was like, fuck you, you're fucking, you're only my boss because you're fucking her. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, like I made a souffle, what's up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you going to do? | |
| Especially work problems. | ||
| When people start talking about work bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Like, you're not even there. | ||
| Do you have that when you go on a, you know, double date with your wife and then they start telling you about Sarah and accounting or something? | ||
| Dude, double dates can be fucking brutal. | ||
| Especially the ones my wife wants to set up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, they'll be really fun. | |
| They don't realize you're conditioned pretty much fully to interesting people. | ||
| You host a podcast, you have guests on, you have a lot of interesting people. | ||
| You're friends with comedians, so you have funny, insightful people all the time. | ||
| Like Tom Segura! | ||
| Fucking right here! | ||
| And then you're in the fight world and you have people talking about things that interest you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I think if you go on a double date with someone who doesn't check off any of those things, it can be a real fucking downer. | ||
| Some people just don't know how to tell a fucking story either. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my God, we went on this one double date and this dude started telling me this story about his son and his son's basketball game. | ||
| And I swear to God, there was fucking no point! | ||
| There was nothing! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was nothing! | ||
| There was nothing there! | ||
| You know, he usually gets a few minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then the coach apparently wanted him to do this, but he wanted to do that. | |
| And so he's not getting enough time on the court. | ||
| And it's droning on and on and on and on and on. | ||
| And the guy is just... | ||
| No sense of someone listening. | ||
| There's no sense. | ||
| There's no interaction. | ||
| It's just like he's decided that he has a story that he likes to tell, and he's going to go on with the story. | ||
| And he's using his hands, and he's bending his head forward. | ||
| He's got all this crazy movement, and there's nothing there. | ||
| There's like... | ||
| Probably because that story works in his dad circle, you know, with his other dad friends that are dads on that team, and then, you know, they have kids on that team, and he tells them, can you believe when the coach and the other dads are like, I saw the same thing! | ||
| I mean, he usually scores! | ||
| So he leaves that going, that's a good story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think some people, they don't care. | |
| They just wait for their time to talk. | ||
| Some people, they talk, and then you talk, and then they talk, and everyone they know is boring, and they just can't wait to go to sleep. | ||
| And that's their life. | ||
| They fucking take sleeping pills. | ||
| Do you know how many people I've run into that fucking take sleeping pills every night? | ||
| No. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's one of the things that I do. | ||
| One of the things that I do, I ask questions. | ||
| You know, I did this bit on Ari Shafir's show about a house fire or a fire in a hotel that I was in with Tom Segura. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And Joey Diaz. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The best part about it, they tell us not to take the elevator. | ||
| We get stuck in the stairs. | ||
| The whole point of the story is I was ready to fucking stampede these people because they were slowly walking down the stairs. | ||
| And we got outside and we were looking for Joey. | ||
| We were panicking. | ||
| Joey comes outside and I go, where were you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I took the elevator like a doctor. | |
| He was smoking a joint. | ||
| He's outside already smoking a joint. | ||
| He's the greatest. | ||
| But I realized while I was doing this that some of these people were literally waking up while they were walking. | ||
| And then I started thinking, how many of these fucks are on sleeping pills? | ||
| Because I knew Kevin James. | ||
| Kevin James would take sleeping pills and he would do shit. | ||
| Like he made dinner once and he just didn't want to admit that he made dinner. | ||
| I think he went to the store and bought a turkey or something crazy like that and cooked it. | ||
| Got up in the morning and didn't want to admit he did it. | ||
| He's like, I didn't fucking do that. | ||
| Because he didn't remember it. | ||
| Didn't remember it at all. | ||
| Because it warped him that much? | ||
| They don't remember shit. | ||
| They just do things they don't remember. | ||
| I've actually never taken one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| They're scary, dude. | ||
| They scare the shit out of me. | ||
| When I'm not tired, I stay awake. | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fucking crazy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| If I'm not tired, I just get up and do shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm crazy! | |
| Now, can you sleep well when you- Like a brick. | ||
| You know what I do if I'm tired? | ||
| Or if I want to get tired? | ||
| I jerk off. | ||
| Yeah, that works. | ||
| I go out like a baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Almost instantly. | ||
| Especially high. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Sometimes you get paranoid, though, right in the middle of jerking off. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When is it going to end? | |
| What if tonight's the night that I never wake up? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I had those. | ||
| So I started getting into pain, sleeping pills. | ||
| Like, I started asking. | ||
| And people I work with at the UFC, fucking tons of them. | ||
| Tons of them take sleeping pills every night. | ||
| Tons of them. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Every night? | ||
| Yeah, I can't sleep without him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But that's not good. | ||
| Don't get started. | ||
| That seems like the key to that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You don't get good sleep on, though. | ||
| I don't think you get real sleep. | ||
| I heard a doctor talk about that one time, that you're not actually... | ||
| Getting the benefit of real sleep on that. | ||
| That you're shutting something down, but you're not actually dipping into real REM sleep and getting all the benefits to your brain. | ||
| You're almost like getting knocked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Unconscious, right? | ||
| Like when you get fucked up. | ||
| Like Michael Jackson. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he went as deep as you get. | ||
| He was taking that fucking stuff that they used to put people under anesthesia. | ||
| He was getting anesthetized. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine that every night? | ||
| Doctors administering that. | ||
| Hey, are we removing your gallbladder? | ||
| No, I just want to take a nap. | ||
| I just like to sleep. | ||
| Well, he was probably so fucked up. | ||
| You know, I saw Dick Gregory talking about him, and it was really interesting. | ||
| Dick Gregory was getting interviewed by this guy, and the guy was talking to him about Michael Jackson, and Dick Gregory just started going off, and he started screaming, he never had a fucking childhood. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
| He never had a fucking childhood. | ||
| He never bounced a ball. | ||
| And he's just started going off because I guess he knew Michael Jackson I'm just saying like he missed that part of his childhood like the whole Neverland thing and hanging out with children a big part of that was just that he never had a childhood I think that makes sense. | ||
| It does make sense I don't know if he ever did anything to anybody. | ||
| I don't know cuz I wasn't there obviously But I think a lot of the people that he's hanging around with those little kids. | ||
| Yeah, they're parents They realize, like, this is a fucking golden ticket, even if he never did anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| They realize, like, this is a guy, my kids spend the night over this fucking crazy multi-multi-multi-millionaire's house, who's a fucking backyard filled with amusement park rides and toys in his house. | ||
| And monkeys and zebras and shit. | ||
| Guys, if he's not a pedophile, you know, like, there's something going on. | ||
| Fucking let's sue this guy. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who knows? | ||
| Yeah, it's a sad story when you think about... | ||
| I mean, it's pretty well documented that it wasn't very pleasant to be a Joe Jackson kid. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That had to be a fucking disaster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That had to be a goddamn nightmare. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He seemed like a crazy guy. | ||
| That's how you get good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Having a dad make you do that dance one more time, I guess, but it's pretty... | ||
| Is that the only way? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| That's probably the only way to get that good. | ||
| I do think with athletes, you know, I've read a lot of stories about how dads affect certain athletes. | ||
| Some of them, but there's the other side of it, that some of them just have that focus and that desire themselves. | ||
| And some of them say, the only way you get this good, it's in you. | ||
| You've got to be the one that wakes up and goes on the run and trains and that's how you get it. | ||
| But the flip side of that is the dad, you know, the overbearing dad that I'm going to make you a champion or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of times those overbearing dads, the kid winds up rebelling. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They wind up just abandoning that dad and they never want to have anything to do with him. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Todd Marinovich and Marv Marinovich, you know that whole story? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| His dad, Marv Marinovich, was this legendary strength and conditioning coach. | ||
| He's a guy who worked with B.J. Penn when B.J. Penn was in his prime. | ||
| And he just has these crazy, really revolutionary ideas when it comes to strength and conditioning. | ||
| And he had his son on this just insane organic diet. | ||
| And I don't think he was even feeding him meat when he was young. | ||
| And it was at home. | ||
| So it was a, this was 24-7. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was, you're gonna, it's not like here's a meal plan. | ||
| Hope you stick to it. | ||
| He was stretching him as a baby. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| Working on his flexibility. | ||
| Now, he did make Todd pretty fucking insanely good. | ||
| I mean, Todd was a hell of a quarterback for a minute. | ||
| But he also was freaking out and went to drugs, I think, as a release for how overbearing Dad could be. | ||
| Yeah, he blew a fuse. | ||
| There's a really interesting documentary. | ||
| I think it's one of those ESPN ones. | ||
| It is. | ||
| 30 for 30. Yeah, I watched it and I was like, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a weird life having a dad like that. | ||
| Then he became like a painter. | ||
| He's like an artist now. | ||
| Todd is now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| He could have been world-class NFL quarterback. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I think the only thing that really derailed that was probably the drugs, right? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, also desire. | ||
| I guess he just didn't want to do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That desire thing, you have to have it in you. | ||
| They say that. | ||
| Some people do have it in them, and some people don't. | ||
| And so... | ||
| When you look at someone that became successful, it's so hard to figure out what was it that drove that guy to be so obsessed that he had to be the best baseball player, the best basketball player. | ||
| Was it his upbringing? | ||
| Did he have... | ||
| I mean, with everybody, there's a different story. | ||
| Some people, they had to prove something. | ||
| Like, maybe they were born, you know, single mom, didn't have a father, always angry. | ||
| They want to prove to the world. | ||
| Prove to dad a lot. | ||
| There's a lot of prove to dads. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jerry West, his story, he's the guy that's the logo of the NBA. You know, the outline of the player playing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was Jerry West, and he had a really abusive dad. | ||
| And he even said in an interview, he didn't think he would be... | ||
| As driven, as good, and be a great player if he hadn't had basically a shitty dad. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there is a lot of that. | ||
| Or the Herschel Walker story, did you see his? | ||
| What was his story? | ||
| His story was, it wasn't anything about that. | ||
| His parents he had a good relationship with. | ||
| His was getting bullied. | ||
| You know, he was teased and bullied. | ||
| Who the fuck could bully that guy? | ||
| I guess eight, nine, ten years old, you know? | ||
| We're talking that young. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| But he was getting pushed around. | ||
| He was chubby. | ||
| And then it was that focus, though, of, I'm not going to get pushed around anymore. | ||
| I'm not going to get bullied. | ||
| They started running and doing those insane claims, at least, of push-ups and sit-ups. | ||
| And then he just, you know, also had... | ||
| Genetics, he was a freak fucking athlete. | ||
| He's still a freak. | ||
| He is still a freak. | ||
| Back then, and the thing about Herschel Walker is he allegedly never lifted weights. | ||
| Yeah, that was a big thing. | ||
| I don't know if that's true, man. | ||
| I don't know if it's true either. | ||
| Because a lot of people said they saw, like, I saw him lift weights. | ||
| Like, people say. | ||
| I was with him in the fucking weight room. | ||
| Like, when you talk to strength and conditioning coaches, they're like, there's muscles on that guy that you really don't develop unless you're picking up heavy shit. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But I don't know if that's the truth. | ||
| His push-up claims are 5,000 a day for back then. | ||
| So that's a little also, you know... | ||
| I'm a big Herschel fan, but that's a lot of fucking push-ups. | ||
| I could do that. | ||
| I could do that shit. | ||
| I could do that easy. | ||
| He was like, I was doing it between every commercial, you know, watching shows. | ||
| I just hit the ground, bang out like 500 push-ups. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I think there's a lot of these, maybe, you know? | ||
| The fake ones, the kind of half-inch push-ups? | ||
| The half ones, yeah. | ||
| Well, he definitely did something right. | ||
| Whatever he did. | ||
| But he also says something that... | ||
| He says some stuff that's not physically possible. | ||
| Like he said he only eats a salad and a bowl of soup a day. | ||
| Well, that's not enough calories to keep your body mass. | ||
| That doesn't make any... | ||
| Your whole body... | ||
| The only reason why your body is the size that it is is because you take in calories enough to fuel all that muscle. | ||
| If you don't take in enough calories to fuel all that muscle, your body starts eating that muscle. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| That's just physiology. | ||
| Did you wonder, by the way, I was listening to your Lance Armstrong episode, how when he was talking about how riders just not eat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you go like, how do you have any energy to ride? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're not talking about a leisurely stroll down the beach. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You guys are training for Tour de France and starving yourself? | ||
| How? | ||
| How do you have the... | ||
| Probably amphetamines, if not amphetamines, caffeine, some whatever legal. | ||
| And isn't there just all kinds of cramping going on? | ||
| Your body's just... | ||
| I would think so. | ||
| Freaking out? | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| I have no idea how anybody could do that. | ||
| He said that's a very common practice. | ||
| Like, cyclists? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not cyclers. | ||
| Cyclers, right? | ||
| No? | ||
| Cyclists. | ||
| It's not cyclers? | ||
| No! | ||
| Come on, Joe! | ||
| He got so fucking mad at me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe! | |
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| He got mad at me, man! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like, it's cyclists! | ||
| Cyclists! | ||
| Don't say cyclers! | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| But I guess it's like if someone said the ultimate fighting challenge. | ||
| No, it's championship. | ||
| Championship. | ||
| You know, the ultimate fighting challenge. | ||
| Challenge? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Cyclist. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| I think there's a lot of mental toughness involved in that sport, for sure. | ||
| I mean, those fucking people are savages. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| They really are, yeah. | ||
| Just, I mean, how many days in a row do they do it? | ||
| I think it's 21. Something insane like that? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| 21, 25. Something like that. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| 100 miles a day? | ||
| I know. | ||
| 2,500 miles total? | ||
| What? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Have you heard about these super, I don't know the right term, mega marathon people who do the 50 mile ones and then they do them back to back. | ||
| There's a few people that do them day after day after day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How does your body just... | ||
| Sustain. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Some lady in my neighborhood. | ||
| She ran two ultra marathons in a row. | ||
| Two days in a row. | ||
| 100 miles one day and then 100 miles the next day. | ||
| That's a chick who hates her husband. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| You think so? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking piece of shit. | |
| She's fueled by anger. | ||
| You say my problems make your dicks off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna run for 200 fucking miles. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| She comes home. | ||
| Their toenails fall off. | ||
| Their toenails fall off when they do that. | ||
| I saw a real sports about that. | ||
| And then a guy who so didn't care about that just had them lasered off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Because they kept falling off and he goes, I don't need them. | ||
| So he just had them lasered off. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What purpose do they serve? | ||
| I guess they protect the tips of your fingers. | ||
| Is that what's going on there? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It is a weird thing when you look at fingernails. | ||
| They are strange. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| This weird hard surface. | ||
| Like every other animal that has nails, they're claws. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're either designed to climb things or they're designed to kill. | ||
| But we have these weird tips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're good for opening up envelopes. | ||
| Stickers. | ||
| That's why we have these, man. | ||
| Scraping stickers off. | ||
| It's a weird feature of our bodies. | ||
| It's weird how a person developed. | ||
| And not only that, they just keep growing. | ||
| So you're supposed to cut them. | ||
| Have you ever seen that guy in India that grew his nails, like the world's longest nails? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen, I don't know if I've seen him, I've seen photos like that that's so gross. | ||
| I think he did it for more than 18 years or something like that. | ||
| Just grew his nails and they grew so long that he couldn't use his hand. | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| They grow like that. | ||
| Hey, what's up asshole? | ||
| That guy has two hands like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on man. | |
| So he has to wear like special shirts with no sleeves. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I saw a... | ||
| Ew, look at that guy. | ||
| I saw a TLC show where it was, I don't know, weird. | ||
| They have all these shows, weird people. | ||
| And it was a lady who didn't cut her toenails. | ||
| And they grow and curl. | ||
| You know, she can't wear regular shoes. | ||
| And I don't think she can work. | ||
| I think that was the other thing. | ||
| She's like, I can't go to work. | ||
| I'm going to fuck up these nails. | ||
| So. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| I got priorities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That lady was weird. | ||
| She kept them straight. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| No, thank you. | ||
| Good Lord. | ||
| That's like a bear. | ||
| She looks like a bear. | ||
| How strange are people? | ||
| I know I'm sexy. | ||
| But you have to take care of those nails. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, what's on the far left? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Lower left. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What are those? | ||
| What are those? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Well, that seems like we're looking at some other stuff there. | ||
| Like, we're looking at hand nails and toenails there. | ||
| Because there's the toenails and then there's nails coming down. | ||
| Christ. | ||
| Yeah, something disgusting about long nails. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Yeah, even... | ||
| Sometimes women will have the slightly longer pedicure. | ||
| Why do you have them long? | ||
| I don't even understand why. | ||
| Yeah, even slightly longer is kind of gross. | ||
| Get that shit even, man. | ||
| Yeah, have you paid for that? | ||
| If you have a half inch long on your toes, like, ew. | ||
| So gross. | ||
| Who are you, you fucking weirdo? | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| What are you using them for? | ||
| Isn't that strange, though? | ||
| Because a half inch on your fingers is totally acceptable and can even be sexy. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Like, girls with, like, red nails. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's kind of sexy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The color? | ||
| It's because of the color. | ||
| But how come the red toenails that are a little long are not sexy? | ||
| Maybe to somebody it is. | ||
| I'm saying I think it's fucking foul. | ||
| I'm sure someone's going to be like, I love those half long inch toenails. | ||
| I think it's gross, man. | ||
| Who wants toenails that go over the edge an inch? | ||
| People do it purposely. | ||
| So they have to be. | ||
| They have to be doing it. | ||
| Maybe it's one of those things, like, girls think guys like it, but only girls like it. | ||
| Like, really skinny girls. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, like, girls will see a girl that's, like, basically dying. | ||
| And you're like, oh, she's so hot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look how skinny she is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's so hot. | |
| I wish I was that skinny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish I was that skinny. | |
| No, you don't. | ||
| There's some people that really think that that looks good. | ||
| They really do. | ||
| Because of fashion models, you know? | ||
| I just don't... | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| Like, no guy likes that. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| He wants something. | ||
| There must be a few guys, but they're fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But normal guys want meat. | ||
| Something to grab onto. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| Like, every guy I've ever asked, would you rather your girl be 15 pounds too heavy or 15 pounds too light? | ||
| Everybody says too heavy. | ||
| Too heavy, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody. | |
| For sure. | ||
| Too light is like... | ||
| Are you going to be okay? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You're dying. | ||
| Yeah, you're tired all the time. | ||
| Your face is all sucked in like you're making weight for a fight. | ||
| You want the ass to move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| You take the ass moving, jiggling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jiggles are good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Spank. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| So tell me about Throatzilla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| We were starting this podcast. | ||
| Before we started, he started telling me a story. | ||
| I go, stop! | ||
| Save it! | ||
| You asked me if I have on Snapchat. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I said, no, I don't post on Snapchat. | ||
| And I said, well, I do have a Snapchat account just to follow Throatzilla. | ||
| And you said, who's that? | ||
| And here's the whole story. | ||
| So my buddy, Josh Potter, who's a great comic out of Buffalo, he turned me on to this. | ||
| Snapchat, for people that don't know, you can post photos, but also videos. | ||
| I think they're 15 seconds, and they time out, and then once they air, they're gone. | ||
| If you follow someone and they post all the time, you're seeing, essentially, a timeline of their day or week. | ||
| Throatzilla came to prominence because she is an escort in the Dallas area, and she's hooked up with a number of high-profile people who she doesn't call out, but one of them... | ||
| Dallas Cowboy offensive lineman Lael Collins hired her to blow him and eat his ass, and she did it, but then he didn't pay her. | ||
| So she put him on blast, called him out, told media outlets, and then I got turned on to her. | ||
| Her Snapchat, because she'll also post sometimes little snaps of her blowing guys and eating their asses, and also running out of gas. | ||
| Oh, that's her? | ||
| No, don't put that one. | ||
| I don't think she wants that one up. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because she doesn't actually post her face. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, is that actually her? | ||
| I don't know if that's her. | ||
| I've never actually seen her face. | ||
| Oh, true of that, yeah. | ||
| But anyways, she... | ||
| She really has a gift. | ||
| She had a monster energy can in her mouth. | ||
| Man, you should see her with dicks in her mouth. | ||
| She also goes by Orally Gifted, 214, which I think is the Dallas area code. | ||
| But yeah, there it is. | ||
| Orally Gifted, underscore 214. It says, I swallow everything, LOL. And what is that? | ||
| A lemon? | ||
| What is that, a lime or something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That might be the end of a guy's cock that she sucked off. | ||
| The whole stick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she posts hilarious stuff, you know? | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she'll do things like, um, don't nobody want the dick sucked right now, so I'm just gonna get something to eat. | ||
| That'll be like the Snapchat. | ||
| She's like, I just feel like giving head right now, but nobody's hitting me up. | ||
| Alright, I'm gonna go get some gas. | ||
| And then she'll get some gas. | ||
| Orally gifted. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Well, there was that other girl that got famous in the hip-hop world. | ||
| She called herself Superhead? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I know you're aware of all this stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| She always counted on Tommy. | ||
| She did a bunch of music videos, too. | ||
| She was a video vixen. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, she was blowing everyone left and right. | ||
| I think she wrote a book about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That I might own, actually. | ||
| I think I own it. | ||
| Well, she puts everybody on blast. | ||
| She does. | ||
| Bobby Brown came over her house and fell asleep on her couch and she filmed it. | ||
| That's fucked up though, right? | ||
| Um, yeah. | ||
| I think the fucked up thing, like, so I had Throatzilla on my podcast. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I messaged her and she called in. | ||
| So she called into the show. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And she was really candid and really funny. | ||
| And she basically said, you know, I provide this service. | ||
| People pay, and I never would call you out. | ||
| That's part of the unspoken deal. | ||
| But when this guy didn't pay up, it was fucked up. | ||
| We agreed to something, and he goes, oh, I only have 100 bucks on me. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Yeah, so she goes, at that point, that's when I called him out. | ||
| Yeah, well, he treated her like an idiot. | ||
| Yeah, exactly, which was the wrong thing to do. | ||
| What a rude guy to eat someone's ass. | ||
| And then we actually, Josh and I had this comment, and I know you don't follow football, but maybe you'll be able to weigh in on this. | ||
| We started to discuss which position players have the worst assholes, because if... | ||
| She ate a pretty big guy's ass. | ||
| How big is he? | ||
| 6'6", 330. That's a big guy. | ||
| That's a big guy. | ||
| And she said it was a lot of work to get in there, you know? | ||
| She said with skinny guys, she can put them in to change my diaper, like push their legs up and get underneath there. | ||
| But with these big guys, with the big guys, they've got to lay on their stomach, and then you've got to kind of... | ||
| Open their asshole up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Does she require that they go through some sort of a cleansing procedure? | ||
| I asked. | ||
| I'm glad you brought that up. | ||
| And she said that no one's ever not been ready for it. | ||
| In other words, cleaned up, trimmed up, everyone's ready to go. | ||
| No one's... | ||
| No one has to be sent to clean up, but... | ||
| Well, she is known for her work, so... | ||
| She's known for it, yeah. | ||
| These guys know their... | ||
| Proper work environment. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wouldn't ask someone to do electrical work in the pouring rain. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| It's a great analogy, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| So... | ||
| She says that it's one of her go-to moves. | ||
| Eating ass? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a buddy of mine who hooked up with this girl, and they went back and forth online, and then they got together, and he said immediately, before she even blew him, she went right to his ass. | ||
| And I went, what? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, I just got off a plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, that was fucking disgusting. | |
| That travel ass is bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, what? | |
| I'm like, what? | ||
| He goes, I was so disgusted I never called her again. | ||
| She went right to his ass. | ||
| I'm like, who does that? | ||
| A friend of mine said he also had an online hookup where the lady was pretty aggressive with how she was setting it up, and he goes, come on over. | ||
| And he said it was her first move. | ||
| He goes, I wasn't prepared for that. | ||
| Her first move went to the ass. | ||
| Went to the ass. | ||
| Some ladies are bold, I guess. | ||
| That's a weird move though, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Go straight to the butthole? | ||
| Straight to the butthole. | ||
| What kind of message are you trying to send? | ||
| I was trying to say, like, this is gonna go crazy. | ||
| I'm going nutty. | ||
| You're saying I'm freaky. | ||
| Like, if you were wondering, I am. | ||
| That's what you're saying. | ||
| As freaky as is possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Unless you bring a bunch of friends over to lick his ass, too. | ||
| That's, yeah, that's even... | ||
| Whistle, and a bunch of girls start knocking on the door. | ||
| Like Pac-Man mouth? | ||
| They all have fucking lobster bibs on. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty... | ||
| You're saying I'm advanced. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not marrying me. | ||
| Maybe that's why she did it. | ||
| Maybe she doesn't want a commitment. | ||
| The best way to keep a guy from wanting to marry you is just to make him disgusted. | ||
| Eat his asshole right away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just really tongue fuck it. | |
| You're not even coaxing her into it or anything. | ||
| She just leads with that. | ||
| My friend said he thought she was going to blow him. | ||
| She grabbed his dick, picked it up. | ||
| And then pushed his legs forward. | ||
| He was like, what? | ||
| And she's just gobble, gobble, gobble. | ||
| Like a Rottweiler drinking out of a toilet bowl. | ||
| Some chicks are just cool, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's really cool chicks out there. | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| She's the best. | ||
| I mean, how many guys have told their friends that kind of a story, and their family are like, wow, that's awesome. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| So what are you guys doing next? | ||
| So you found a good girl, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and the family this weekend? | ||
| Yeah, well, I'm trying to get her pregnant, bro. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Nah, you don't want to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woof. | |
| Mm-mm. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird thing. | ||
| Shit comes out of there. | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Well, why does it feel good though? | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's also part of the problem. | ||
| Why doesn't your asshole feel like your fingernails? | ||
| Wasn't it just like some dead dull spot that just pumps out shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember doing that to someone in college. | ||
| I only did it because I saw it in a movie, you know? | ||
| You know what I did? | ||
| I got Hershey's syrup, and I thought it was kinky to do. | ||
| And then I realized, as the Hershey's syrup smear around, it just looks like she's shit all over, because it's just liquid chocolate. | ||
| So I pull my face up, and I'm like, oh, man. | ||
| It looks like she just shit in my mouth. | ||
| Even though it didn't taste like it, it sure looked like it. | ||
| Yeah, that's not a good look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's a bad look. | ||
| Yeah, it's like cherry sauce. | ||
| Put cherry sauce all over it. | ||
| And it was all over, too, you know? | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| I don't think she liked it either. | ||
| No? | ||
| Did she get weirded out by you? | ||
| Nah, she was just like, it's what you want to do, right? | ||
| All righty. | ||
| All right, man. | ||
| Did she say it felt good? | ||
| I don't remember, actually. | ||
| I mean, I don't think she was like, hey, this sucks. | ||
| But I don't remember it being, you know, a big applause break or anything. | ||
| It's weird that some girls don't want to have nothing to do with taking the ass, where other girls beg for it. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| Put something in there. | ||
| All right. | ||
| God. | ||
| It's really aggressive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or girls with toys. | ||
| That's always weird. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Girls come back with like a giant black rubber dick. | ||
| Like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. | ||
| Hey now. | ||
| Where's this going? | ||
| That's for you, right? | ||
| Or a girl with a strap on. | ||
| I never had that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not interested. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I wanted that, I'd fuck dudes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or have dudes fuck me. | ||
| Why would I want a girl to pretend to be a dude? | ||
| Some people love it. | ||
| Well, some people are really into trannies, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Insensitive. | ||
| I was insensitive with that word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You still say cabbies, though. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Call a cabbie. | ||
| Point. | ||
| Counterpoint. | ||
| Well, Tranny sounds cute to me. | ||
| It does sound kind of cute. | ||
| I don't know why it's bad. | ||
| It's offensive. | ||
| What do you think, I mean, is it pretty obvious that the attraction there, for people that are attracted to it, is that it looks like something and it's not? | ||
| I mean, is that the appeal, you think? | ||
| Um, I think people that like transgender guys, I mean, there's probably a whole fucking spectrum of different things that people like and why they like it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I think some of them, they like the idea of it being, like, naughty. | ||
| Like someone with, like, she's got tits and she's got a beautiful face and then you take her and say, oh, it's a fucking shillelagh! | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Like, it's just exciting that it's crazy. | ||
| Naughty. | ||
| Well, it also could be, That you had some weird experience during your formative period, like when you were young, like when you're developing, apparently, they say. | ||
| Chris Ryan has described this to me, that there's a state, Dr. Chris Ryan, who wrote that book, Sex at Dawn, I do podcasts with him all the time and he was talking about imprinting like as you're young like during your formative years I think it's I think he said between somewhere between like 11 and 13 or 9 and 13 or something like that that something can happen sexually like someone could do something to you sexually maybe a man can do something to you sexually and you might not even be gay but you might get like sexually | ||
| imprinted You know that like that somehow or another excites you in some sort of a weird way. | ||
| Even reluctantly excites you. | ||
| Yeah, even reluctantly. | ||
| Well for a lot of people, they're afraid of the shame that comes with liking what you like. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like if you're a supposedly heterosexual man, but you're really into transgender women, There's, you know, you could run a risk of people finding out at work and thinking you're fucked up, you know, or, you know, labeling you sort of deviant and thinking like, what else is this fucker into, you know? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| Almost weirder than being gay. | ||
| Because if you, I mean, there's some people that don't like gay people. | ||
| There's some people who are afraid of it or there's a religious thing, you know. | ||
| But I think that that's more accepted maybe even than wanting to date a transgender person. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| I mean, in today's world, I think a lot of people have come a long way with, you know, at least somewhat accepting homosexuality. | ||
| But when you get to transgender, that's a big leap for a lot of people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For sure, right? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, they start looking at like, this is what your cards are. | ||
| You gotta fucking deal with it. | ||
| You gotta take it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then some people are like, I got the wrong cards. | ||
| I feel like inside I got the wrong cards. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Not only do I support that, I support people that feel like a dude but want to be a girl. | ||
| Like, I was definitely born a guy, I'm a guy, but ah. | ||
| I want to be a girl. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I want to get a sex change. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| I don't care if you tattoo your face. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| I never care what turns somebody on. | ||
| You know, I mean, like, I don't understand how it would bother you when some people are afraid, you know, you're saying, like, the shame and people finding out, but it's amazing to me that it would bother somebody what gets somebody else off. | ||
| I think it's American's Puritan culture. | ||
| We're apparently, when you compare us to the rest of the world, as far as what we like and what we'll accept from society, from people, we're one of the most Puritan cultures on the planet. | ||
| It's so bizarre to think that that's our... | ||
| Our surroundings. | ||
| Because when you're in it, you don't even think about it until you step out and you see how other cultures are. | ||
| Do you think we make the most porn? | ||
| Make the most? | ||
| Yeah, I bet we make the most. | ||
| I think without question we make the most. | ||
| Without question? | ||
| Without question. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because industry-wise, I'm talking just as a business, there's no other place that's creating the amount of content as the San Fernando Valley. | ||
| It's got to be. | ||
| Well, they're fucked now because they have to wear condoms. | ||
| That's why there'll be a change, a shift, but for the last 30 years, it's gotta be California. | ||
| It's like when they started shipping jobs overseas. | ||
| That's what it is, goddammit. | ||
| Fucking manufacturing jobs. | ||
| They fucked middle class. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Doing that to porn. | ||
| Shipping all these hard dicks to another place. | ||
| You need someone to put them. | ||
| Well, they're wrapping them up with rubbers. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| That is a bummer, by the way, to me, to watch that. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| I don't want to watch a guy wearing a rubber. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Like, why would you care? | ||
| But there's something about, like, they even try to trick you by having those, like, super transparent rubbers. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But there's something about the glistening of the dick just doesn't look realistic. | ||
| You can't see the end, like the rim, the part that went down. | ||
| Kind of like, wait, is there something on there? | ||
| That's a fucking rubber. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a rubber. | |
| His dick's all shiny. | ||
| You know what bums me out the most? | ||
| When a girl's blowing a guy with a rubber on. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Just stop. | ||
| Stop! | ||
| Buddy, just jerk off on the top of her head and that'd be better. | ||
| Don't even come near her face. | ||
| Don't let her blow you. | ||
| I just don't like it. | ||
| I don't want to watch it. | ||
| I don't want to see it. | ||
| I've seen one of those blooper videos where it has the guy, it's like a double team, and one guy finishes on a girl's head, you know, on her hair, and she goes, did you just cum in my hair? | ||
| And the whole scene stops, and there's like a big fight, everyone's screaming and yelling. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and he's like, I'm sorry. | ||
| She got mad? | ||
| Oh, really mad, really mad, yeah. | ||
| Why would you get mad at that? | ||
| Because he went right into her hair. | ||
| And so she can't clean it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She's planning on going out? | ||
| I think she had an appointment afterwards. | ||
| Girls get their hair did. | ||
| When they get their hair did, they like to keep it that way for days. | ||
| Yeah, do not fuck with the hair. | ||
| Don't come in it, for sure. | ||
| Well, especially if there's like hairspray, then it becomes like stalagmites, hangs down. | ||
| He gets caught up in the fucking webbing of the hair. | ||
| No, no bueno, man. | ||
| Not bueno. | ||
| Even slightly. | ||
| No, it's the worst. | ||
| But eyelashes are okay. | ||
| Come on, the eyelashes? | ||
| Yeah, when they get it in the mug and then it's dripping off their eyelashes, like, hey. | ||
| They have that look on their face. | ||
| And the flutter, the eye flutter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The eyelashes kind of, in some ways, protect them from cum. | ||
| Like a good... | ||
| That's why we have eyelashes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Didn't Dr. Ryan talk about that? | ||
| A good thick shield, like palm fronds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Protect you. | |
| Protect you from juice. | ||
| Well, you know, Joe, we've studied for the last few hundred thousand years. | ||
| Humans have eyelashes to protect them from facials. | ||
| There's a weird thing, huh? | ||
| Facials? | ||
| Like, where'd that come from? | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| Why come in someone's face? | ||
| It's gotta be power. | ||
| It's a power move, right? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I think it's a power move. | ||
| Well, it's a freak move, too, right? | ||
| True. | ||
| Like a girl sticks her tongue out. | ||
| She goes, ah. | ||
| How about the scoop and score? | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Oh, that's disgusting. | ||
| When it's like, oh, there's a little up here. | ||
| And they take it down. | ||
| And then they have to pretend. | ||
| That it's the most delicious thing ever. | ||
| That even when you're watching, you're like, I don't know. | ||
| It's been sitting on your face for a while. | ||
| You didn't remember it was there. | ||
| It's kind of cooled off. | ||
| And you're like, it's delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's cooled off. | |
| I like hot jizz only. | ||
| It's like, you know, you never eat a pot pie when it's cold. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, don't you think those, those, like, save all the jizz videos? | ||
| Oh, those are the worst. | ||
| Those are disgusting, man. | ||
| You see, that's where a fella draws the line. | ||
| Like, if you date a girl, she used to be a porn star. | ||
| Well, you know, she's just having sex. | ||
| Who cares if it's on camera? | ||
| But then if you watch a video of, like, five guys coming into a mug, and she chugs it, she chugs it. | ||
| That is so, so foul. | ||
| There's a lot of those out there. | ||
| Jamie's gonna throw it. | ||
| Yeah, that is foul. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| And they're like, drink it through a straw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, they do something so disgusting. | |
| So gross, man. | ||
| With that Max Hardcore guy, he opened up a woman's asshole with a speculum, then he pissed inside of it, and then attached a straw to it and made her drink his piss out of her asshole that was opened up like a bowl. | ||
| What do you think his imprinting is from childhood? | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| Pretty crazy. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Someone did bad things. | ||
| I saw one of those... | ||
| Is it Speculum? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it's called? | |
| Yeah, when they open you up. | ||
| Yeah, and a girl's ass, and then they put cereal and milk, and somebody ate it out of there. | ||
| That's fucking gross as shit, too. | ||
| That's when they need to stop. | ||
| Like, I've had this bit for a while that I just never figured out what to do with on stage, but the bit was like, why are they still making porn? | ||
| Who has jerked off to all the porn? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, how could anybody... | ||
| Who's showing up at the video store on Monday morning going, there's new shit here yet? | ||
| Where's the new shit? | ||
| Where's the new shit? | ||
| It's fucking constantly checking. | ||
| Like, no one has seen all of them. | ||
| Like, there's enough. | ||
| There's more than enough. | ||
| Well, you could jerk off once an hour, every hour, for the rest of your life, and you would never get through all the porn that's ever been made. | ||
| Through ten lifetimes you could do that. | ||
| But yet they're still making it. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's just this insatiable appetite for it, I guess, from enough people. | ||
| Because it's not like music or comedy or something where people want new things because you like... | ||
| Well, maybe it is. | ||
| Maybe that's it. | ||
| I was going to say, you like a particular artist. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Say, you know, Chris Rock. | ||
| Like, when's Chris Rock? | ||
| Or Tom Segura, who's got a new Netflix special that's available this Friday! | ||
| January 8th! | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Shameless plug. | ||
| So, like, if you're a Tom Segura fan, like, there's only one way to get it. | ||
| You gotta wait for Tom Segura to put out a new CD or a new Netflix special. | ||
| But for porn, I guess maybe that's what it is. | ||
| I mean, guys like jacking off to one girl. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So they become like a Kendra Lust fan. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You ever seen her? | ||
| That name sounds familiar, so I'm sure I have. | ||
| Big ol' ass. | ||
| Big ol' ass. | ||
| Fucking woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's all woman. | ||
| She's milfy, too. | ||
| She looks like she's in her late 30s and is ready to party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Has some experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But takes care of herself. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if you're a fan of hers... | ||
| There's only one way to get it. | ||
| You gotta watch her videos. | ||
| There she goes. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Good lord, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good lord, put it away before somebody gets hurt. | |
| So, like... | ||
| If you're a fan of any, you know, fill in the blank, Tara Patrick, whatever. | ||
| You gotta wait for her when she's retired. | ||
| You gotta wait for her. | ||
| That's a bummer when girls are still hot and they retire. | ||
| Yeah, what are you doing retiring? | ||
| Come on, come on. | ||
| We're all still jerking off over here. | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| You're not done. | ||
| You're not done. | ||
| Is she back or not? | ||
| Yeah, it's like, you know, if Conor McGregor retires now, you're like, come on, Conor. | ||
| You got a few good years left in there. | ||
| At least. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Could you make a few videos for us? | ||
| There's a thing about watching them, you know, where guys get obsessed with, like, one girl, and then they go to, like, the AVN shows, and they wait in line to get a picture signed. | ||
| No, that's too far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I get a photo with you? | |
| Can I get a photo with you? | ||
| And they're, like, they're holding on to her. | ||
| And if the girls do escorting, that's the other thing. | ||
| Some of those porn stars, like, you can actually fuck them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sure it's a pretty penny though, right? | ||
| Couple grand probably? | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, but is that awful? | ||
| I mean, is that worse? | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
| Here's the big question. | ||
| Is that worse? | ||
| Easy over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You alright? | |
| Getting sick? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not. | |
| Yeah, I'm not. | ||
| Is it worse to have sex with a guy who's paying you? | ||
| Than it is to have sex with a guy on film. | ||
| Is there a line that's crossed there? | ||
| What do you mean by worse, though? | ||
| Well, I don't give a fuck either way. | ||
| But for some people, is the perception worse? | ||
| Like, is it worse to be a girl who's a porn star who also escorts? | ||
| Or... | ||
| Is it, you know, what's... | ||
| Personally, I think the... | ||
| If it's between the two, I would do it off camera so it's not documented. | ||
| Unless for some reason you want it to be documented. | ||
| You know, if you're doing just your escorting, well, it's just between you and whoever you do it with. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you don't have that social stigma of being known for doing that. | ||
| Right, but for those girls, they don't care about that social stigma. | ||
| I got you. | ||
| I mean, that's their living. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| But is it worse to be an escort and a porn star or just a porn star? | ||
| Or is it a stupid question? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It might be a stupid question. | |
| I just feel like... | ||
| They're probably trying to get lucrative. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| So just keep taking those escorts. | ||
| Escort hires. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's a good move for them. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Probably get... | ||
| I bet some of them get paid a lot of money. | ||
| I bet they do too. | ||
| Like rich dudes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rich dudes fly them out. | ||
| Look, and then she's like, it's $10,000. | ||
| And for the guy who's like, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then you're getting paid, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Red Band had something he put on Twitter the other day about girls that take another vacation to go shopping in Dubai. | ||
| It was a thinly veiled prostitution reference. | ||
| Because that's what a lot of people do, apparently. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They go shopping? | ||
| Well, there's so much. | ||
| So much money. | ||
| Have you ever been? | ||
| I've never been. | ||
| I was there once for the UFC, because there was a UFC in Abu Dhabi, and we went to Dubai to do the weigh-ins. | ||
| We did the weigh-ins in Dubai, and then we drove to Abu Dhabi from there. | ||
| When you drive, you have to drive the fucking speed limit, or they will hit you with a missile. | ||
| They'll shoot you in the face with a missile. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's so strict there like the drivers like they will not violate the speed limit like if you violate the speed limit If you do anything wrong, anything that can allow you to get locked up, who knows what the fuck's going to happen? | ||
| Literally, who knows what's going to happen? | ||
| Especially if you are in a position like a driver or a service person, like a waiter or a waitress or bartender or something like that, you cannot fuck around over there. | ||
| It is not America. | ||
| You're essentially dealing with kings. | ||
| It's some kind of Game of Thrones type shit in a lot of ways. | ||
| So we were there, and when you're in Dubai, every fucking car you see is $100,000, $200,000. | ||
| It's all Mercedes and Ferraris and Lamborghinis. | ||
| It's like everywhere. | ||
| I mean, it's literally, it's like a joke. | ||
| It's like a scene in a movie of extreme opulence, like over-the-top opulence, where you go, come on, it's not really like that. | ||
| But it is really like that. | ||
| Like, everywhere you go, everyone's got a million-dollar car. | ||
| And there's Bugatti Veyrons. | ||
| They're like $1.5 million. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| The amount of wealth. | ||
| I remember that one of my cousins came to do an English course here at USC. And he had people from all different countries. | ||
| And so the Abu Dhabi guys took the classes, the kids from the class. | ||
| And we're talking kids. | ||
| I'm saying 22-year-old people out on L.A. | ||
| And they would just pull out stacks of money. | ||
| And he was like, where did you get that? | ||
| And he's like, oh, we just, the government gave us money because we're educating ourselves and coming back. | ||
| So they'll pay for everything. | ||
| And he said, you know, you could go, if you're born there, you can go to the government and be like, I need money for this. | ||
| And they would just give you the money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were just spending on everyone. | ||
| Stacks of money. | ||
| Well, you're not supposed to drink there either. | ||
| But you can drink in the bars. | ||
| There's certain bars where they allow it because of Americans and Western people. | ||
| But as a whole, they don't want drinking. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| And I had some friends when we were at the UFC. I stayed in Abu Dhabi, but a bunch of the guys... | ||
| We're bored and they were like, we're gonna go to Dubai and see what's up. | ||
| They went to a bar and they said it was 90% prostitutes. | ||
| It was all like Eastern Bloc prostitutes. | ||
| Like you walked in, it was like a wolf den and just a bunch of wolves looking to fucking snack on you. | ||
| Like everywhere they went. | ||
| These girls just go there and they just wait for someone who's got a lot of money. | ||
| He goes, you, you, you, come with me, eat the ass, let's go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they leave with a stack. | ||
| Yeah, fat stacks. | ||
| Well, if you're a girl and you want to involve yourself with some prostitution, it's probably a good move. | ||
| You go over there, just clean up for a month or a week, come back with half a year's worth of salary. | ||
| So people are doing that, though. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| According to Red Band. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| How is he so in on this? | ||
| He knows things. | ||
| He knows things. | ||
| He knows these people. | ||
| He's aware. | ||
| He knows that hoeing mentality. | ||
| He's around hoes. | ||
| He definitely knows hoes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He knows them. | ||
| We always tease, because we started doing our podcast with him, that he's our retarded stepchild. | ||
| He has special knowledge. | ||
| Yeah, he knows things about certain things. | ||
| It's just like he's got to figure out... | ||
| He started doing his own podcast. | ||
| That guy's own thing? | ||
| First episode just launched last week. | ||
| And I've been telling him to do that forever. | ||
| I'm like, it'll be so good for you because you have this weird style, this weird way about you. | ||
| I'm like, get into it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'll find people that want to see it. | ||
| But right now, they only see it if you're on someone else's show. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And you're like, do your own show and it could be all your freakiness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I think... | ||
| Also, when you do your own show, too, you realize how much is involved in managing the ship, making sure it steers in the right direction, thinking about What the subject you're talking about. | ||
| Is this entertaining? | ||
| When do I pick this up? | ||
| How do I ramp it up? | ||
| How do I add some new stuff in there? | ||
| And he has a lot of experience. | ||
| I mean, you know, we actually love Red Ben. | ||
| But he steered our ship for a while, you know? | ||
| Kind of helped shape things. | ||
| He did it with a lot of people. | ||
| Imagine if all the people that started podcasts with him could tolerate him and stay. | ||
| It'll be Ari, Duncan, Joey, Brian Callen, Sam, yeah, Sam Tripoli. | ||
| Is Sam still doing a show? | ||
| I thought so. | ||
| I don't know, but I didn't think he'd stopped. | ||
| I haven't seen it or heard it in a while. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, those guys definitely still do their punch trunk, their sports one. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's still a thing, too. | ||
| Yeah, he still does that. | ||
| They do that on another network, right? | ||
| What is that, All Things Comedy? | ||
| Is that on All Things Comedy? | ||
| That sounds like an All Things Comedy show, yeah. | ||
| All Things Comedy has a lot of good shows on it, right? | ||
| It does, yeah. | ||
| It does. | ||
| I mean, it's Madrigal and Burr and then, I mean... | ||
| We're part of that. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| Being a part of all things comedy is almost like being part of a collective support thing where everybody still owns their own shows, but you just kind of have more power in numbers thing. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Well... | ||
| I think the idea behind it was that if we are all together and we can approach people as, here's what doing business with all things comedy means. | ||
| It means you're getting this bundle as opposed to just saying one thing. | ||
| You still get to be your own entity, but you're a part of something when you need to be. | ||
| And it's great for promotion, too. | ||
| If my special comes out, so I send out a message to our group, and then everybody who has a podcast will get info about helping to plug my thing. | ||
| We do that for each other. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I mean, if you get every show together, you're getting a few million downloads. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, we kind of all do that for each other anyway. | ||
| We do anyways. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You know, I'm always tweeting for friends, and you do the same, and we all do that for each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| We all support each other. | ||
| That's the best kind of network, right? | ||
| The kind of network that's totally organic. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There's no financial gain in it at all. | ||
| We all just kind of help each other. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I know we've, as All Things Comedy, we've also worked with sponsors that, you know, the idea was that we're approaching you because we have this collective. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And they responded to it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So, like, they handle the ads and they bring them to you? | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you know, Al or Bill approach, you know, whatever company and say, we have 50 shows. | ||
| Here's our gross amount of downloads. | ||
| If you sign up to do this, set amount, and then kind of divvy it up amongst the people that can do it. | ||
| So we've done that a few times. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| So is the amount of money that you get based on the amount of downloads that you have? | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Who manages all that? | ||
| That seems like a nightmare. | ||
| It's a lot of work, man. | ||
| I mean, Mike is one of the guys over there, I think Flynn, and I'm trying to remember another name. | ||
| But it's a job. | ||
| It's a full-time job. | ||
| At a certain point in time, though, as your podcast becomes more and more successful, it seems like that would kind of get in the way. | ||
| Well, it doesn't really, like I said, because those guys are so about Al and Bill. | ||
| Hey, we're not taking anything from you and do whatever you want. | ||
| They're not saying, if you do this, you can't do that. | ||
| It's almost like they're saying, do whatever you do, and in addition, you can do this with us. | ||
| That's a perfect world, then. | ||
| It is a perfect world. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Your podcast is fucking blown up, man. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's been going well, yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You guys do live ones, too. | ||
| The live ones, I see when you guys tweet about live ones and the people go to them, it's a thing. | ||
| It's a thing. | ||
| There's a whole thing going on with the mommies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People get excited and they go, live podcasts are something fucking different, man. | ||
| It's fun, man. | ||
| We did it at the Ice House in the main room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it sold out almost immediately. | ||
| When did you do it? | ||
| A couple months ago, because we've been, you know... | ||
| When are you doing it again? | ||
| We don't have it set up, but we need to. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Let me come. | ||
| I want to be a guest. | ||
| You want to be a guest on a live one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Yeah, please. | ||
| I want to start doing live podcasts. | ||
| I've done a few other people's podcasts live, but... | ||
| It's really fun to do live. | ||
| I did Fitzsimmons the other day. | ||
| We had a great time. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| We did it in the belly room, his 500th episode, with his buddy Mike. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| Yeah, we just did his show, too. | ||
| Fitzsimmons. | ||
| You find yourself, like, going for jokes more. | ||
| Like going for laughs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| It changes. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| They're so geeked up for those laughs. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So it becomes a really fun environment to do it in. | ||
| I watched another podcast live that's not mine and not yours and not Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I wanted to run through a fucking wall. | ||
| I was like, podcasts are weird, man. | ||
| They find their own level. | ||
| Like, water seeks its own level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They find their own vibe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's some podcasts where you go, and there's fans of that podcast. | ||
| You go and see it, and you're like, this is not my fucking scene. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| At all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| They weren't swearing. | ||
| They were doing it very much like a radio show. | ||
| There's got to be a little bit of that, too, don't you think, to probably stand-up shows? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| You don't end up walking into, but if you were to go to, oh, so-and-so's here tonight, and it's sold out, and you walk in, you're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, that's just the way of the world, right? | ||
| That's how it is with music. | ||
| With everything. | ||
| Movies. | ||
| I mean, have you seen Pitch Perfect? | ||
| That's a singing one? | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| No, you haven't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, but fucking millions of chicks have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, I can't wait! | |
| Pitch Perfect! | ||
| They fucking love it. | ||
| They get crazy. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's not them. | ||
| It's what they like. | ||
| There's a lot of shit I like that people don't like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody told me one time, and it was about, you know, a movie had come out. | ||
| It's one of those, a comedy comes out, and you go, this looks like fucking shit, right? | ||
| And there's billboards, and there's always a few famous people in it. | ||
| And I was hating on how shitty it looked and how terrible. | ||
| And he goes, well, you know, this wasn't made for you. | ||
| And I go, yeah, I know. | ||
| He goes, no, no, but there's a lot of people that love this, and this just isn't for, you know, it's not made for you. | ||
| And I started to think of entertainment differently from the moment that was said to me, that I see things now, trailers, posters, commercials for something, and I go, oh, but this is made for a different audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's things that are made for me where I respond to and I go, oh, I fucking can't. | ||
| Well, that's for me. | ||
| Well, that's why it's so important to do what you like on stage. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Stand-up-wise. | ||
| If you start trying to make it for somebody. | ||
| Those guys are, they're fucked. | ||
| Those guys who create those squeaky clean acts, but they're not squeaky clean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are tortured people. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Because they're literally making art that's not for them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you're you! | ||
| You're you and you can't be you. | ||
| The audience won't accept it. | ||
| You should be talking about roofing chicks and sticking it in when they're asleep. | ||
| Speaking of Bill Cosby, I watched his lawyer debate some commentator or some television pundit or whatever you would call them, host, and she was explaining You know, how ridiculous these allegations are, | ||
| and how Mr. Cosby, you know, didn't do any of these things, and that all these women, like, their stories, some of them are just, they were like, he grabbed them by the wrist hard, like, some of them aren't even sexual allegations, and she's like... | ||
| Effectively sort of muddying the water, and that he is this very rich, wealthy man, and that has to be taken into consideration that these people are doing this for attention. | ||
| And I was like, wow, this is fascinating to watch the spin, the dance. | ||
| You know, and the guy was saying, well, there's 50 people, though. | ||
| And she was like, well, out of those 50, a lot of them are not even sexual allegations, not even sexual assault allegations, which I didn't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, only 23. Only 37! | |
| It's not that many. | ||
| I don't know if he did or not, but I haven't heard of another person ever that's had 50 people claim that he raped them by giving them drugs. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's the... | ||
| I think the sad part is the people who really want to defend the conspiracy theories on it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, he was about to buy NBC. I don't know if you know that. | |
| He was making a move to buy NBC, and they don't want a black man in power like that. | ||
| That's so ridiculous, man. | ||
| Oh, they don't? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Nobody wants to take down Cosby. | ||
| Nobody's agenda was that. | ||
| If they did, they would have taken down Oprah first. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| Oprah's worth more than anyone ever. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| She's the most successful entertainer ever, and she doesn't even have a talent. | ||
| She's not a singer, she's not a dancer, she's not a great actress. | ||
| What does she do? | ||
| She doesn't tell jokes. | ||
| What does she do? | ||
| She talks to people. | ||
| Gives away cars. | ||
| Get up in the morning and look at the sun and think. | ||
| It's like, yeah, okay. | ||
| Well, she has positive messages. | ||
| She's super positive. | ||
| She's really good for menopausal women. | ||
| They really relate to her in some strange way. | ||
| She got their vibe down. | ||
| But I get why people do have their, why they want to defend them. | ||
| I understand the love. | ||
| Motivation. | ||
| Yeah, and feeling like the adoration for them and wanting to defend them. | ||
| I totally get why they do it. | ||
| And the reality is we don't know. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| We really don't know. | ||
| I mean, the idea that you could never find 50 liars, of course you could. | ||
| Of course you could. | ||
| But it's, you know, I think that the argument that I find the most sort of ignorant and uninformed is the one where people go, why'd they wait that long? | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| If you talk to any sex crimes unit officer, detective, any psychologist about victims of sexual assault, it's not unusual for it to go unreported or for it to go a long time without someone wanting to talk about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's completely within the spectrum of normal responses to something like that. | ||
| So when people are like, you know, it happened 25 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, it's normal. | ||
| It's normal for someone not to bring it up. | ||
| Completely normal. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of shame involved. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And some women, they would rather just forget about it than report it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They would rather just pretend it never happened than go through all the public shaming. | ||
| And then you're dealing with an insanely rich, insanely powerful man who's loved by so many. | ||
| And then if there was no previous allegations, who the fuck is going to believe you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, to a woman in 1996, let's say, back when he was, you know, not doing the show anymore, but he's in his heyday, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's loved by everybody and he's drugging chicks, banging them. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She's probably like, how does this? | ||
| This can't be real. | ||
| I'll just fuck it. | ||
| I'll just eat it. | ||
| I'll just deal with it. | ||
| Just deal with it. | ||
| But then it fucks with them, I'm sure, for a long time. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Well, that was the weirdest thing, is that some of them claimed that he was in a mentorship role with them. | ||
| Like, I'll help you with your career. | ||
| I'll do this. | ||
| I'll have a coffee. | ||
| That was his move. | ||
| His power move, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's happening? | |
| What's happening? | ||
| Is there more? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there more? | |
| Yeah, you want more coffee? | ||
| Yeah, it's full. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is good. | |
| What is this? | ||
| That's butter coffee. | ||
| It's caveman coffee with a little grass-fed butter and some MCT oil. | ||
| It's good for the soul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's lovely. | |
| I just feel right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lovely. | |
| I feel good. | ||
| So, you're a Trump supporter, right? | ||
| Big time, man. | ||
| I'm the Southern California chapter head. | ||
| These Bernie Sanders people have been fucking tweeting at me. | ||
| They're so mad because I said that Bernie Sanders supported 90% taxing of the rich. | ||
| Apparently it's not exactly true. | ||
| This is what... | ||
| So I'll correct it for the Bernie Sanders people because they get upset. | ||
| What he did say was... | ||
| They're talking about marginal tax rate, which that means if you make over a certain amount, how much should you tax? | ||
| Are we going to cap that? | ||
| He was saying that for a marginal tax rate, is 90% too high? | ||
| He said no. | ||
| And that's for extremely wealthy people. | ||
| So let's say if you make 10 million bucks a year, everything over 10 million bucks they would tax at 90%. | ||
| And I'm just coming up with a number for 10. But the regular, and he thinks it's not too much to tax 90% over amount. | ||
| But the problem with this kind of thinking is that people say, well, yeah, it's going to help other people. | ||
| It's going to be good for other people. | ||
| Not necessarily. | ||
| The problem with that kind of thinking is that money goes to the government, and the government is a bunch of fucking monkeys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the reality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not like an insanely ethical, really educated, super smart, really disciplined, conservative, fiscally conservative person who's going to take care of this money and allocate it correctly. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're going to give it to the government, and you're going to create bigger government. | ||
| Bureaucracy red tape more people more bullshit more jobs that are bullshit jobs It's not necessarily gonna help people and then he I think Bernie Sanders says a lot of good shit like People that think that I'm a Bernie Sanders hater, he says a lot of good shit. | ||
| I like what he says about marijuana, but he says some fucking silly shit too. | ||
| Here's one of the things that he said that drove me crazy. | ||
| You don't necessarily need a choice of 23 underarm spray deodorants or 18 different pairs of sneakers when children are hungry in this country. | ||
| Those two things are totally unrelated. | ||
| That's totally unrelated. | ||
| So what if you wanted to open up a fucking deodorant company? | ||
| You shouldn't be able to open up a deodorant company because children are starving? | ||
| So you should work to feed children? | ||
| What's the context in which he said that, though? | ||
| He was just talking about the economy. | ||
| He was just talking about the world. | ||
| And the idea of choking on choice. | ||
| We have too many choices? | ||
| Yeah, that we have too many choices that we divert our... | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| When you think about these choices, you're talking about these choices that are created by whatever percentage, whatever number, of 300 million people that has nothing to do with whether or not poor people get fed. | ||
| It just doesn't. | ||
| And taking money away from wealthy people doesn't have anything to do with whether or not poor people get fed. | ||
| I think that one of the things that he said that I agree with wholeheartedly is they need to stop people, these corporations, from hiding their money overseas where they don't have to pay taxes on it. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I think that's fucking criminal. | ||
| If you want all the benefits of living in America, you want all the benefits that are provided to you by this free country, but you want to store your money overseas, fuck you. | ||
| You don't want to pay taxes on that? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| But maybe there's some compromise where that tax rate does get adjusted for that a little bit so that they have the incentive, right? | ||
| To keep it over here. | ||
| Yeah, because right now the reason they're saying, well, I'm going to keep it over there is because I'm saving so much fucking money. | ||
| Yeah, but they make so much money. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| They're just greedy cunts. | ||
| Those are greedy cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| For sure they are. | ||
| Because you're talking about people that are making insane amounts of money that are doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Billions. | |
| Some people that are barely getting by. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Billions. | |
| So I think in that sense, yeah. | ||
| I'm 100% with him on that. | ||
| And corporate tax shelters, there's a lot of really sneaky shit where you find out companies made billions of dollars and they paid almost nothing in taxes because of shelters. | ||
| I'm 100% with him on that. | ||
| I think he's got a lot of really good points. | ||
| I mean, he's 100% down with pot. | ||
| I appreciate that. | ||
| Position on cannabis is it's totally on Unnecessary and criminal to have it illegal. | ||
| I believe 100% on that and I also support him 100% on the idea of a living wage Like if somebody works 40 hours a week, they should be able to feed themselves and have a roof over their head Yeah, I'm 100% down with that I think a minimum wage for a kid who's in high school or something like that still lives their parents That's one thing and I think there are entry-level jobs like that where someone should make whatever it is But it should be enough where you could live You know, | ||
| if you're a person who's 18 years or older and you're working at a job and you are spending eight hours of every 24-hour day working for someone, you should make a living. | ||
| You should be able to feed yourself without worry, clothe yourself. | ||
| I'm not talking about opulence. | ||
| I'm not talking about wealth and driving a Mercedes, but you should definitely be able to take care of yourself. | ||
| You should. | ||
| I think the problem with that, because I think a lot of people agree with that, is it's always, well, who's going to pay for that? | ||
| In other words, the idea is right, and then you go, where will the money come from to support making that a reality? | ||
| Well, I think the money's got to come... | ||
| I mean, it's got to be a profitable business, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So if you had a profitable business, how much of the profit goes to the employees, and how much of the profit goes to the owner of the business? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like, say if you have a diamond business, right? | ||
| And you're selling diamonds, and your employees are making $5 an hour. | ||
| That's kind of fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, like, you're making millions, and you're paying your employee $5 an hour. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucked up. | ||
| What is it, seven now? | ||
| What's the minimum? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| See, and that's obviously an extreme example, but in that extreme example, yeah, man, you need to pay more money to people who work for you. | ||
| If they didn't work for you, your job wouldn't work. | ||
| Like, you need someone. | ||
| Say, if you run a car manufacturing business, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you don't have employees that put together those cars, you literally don't have cars. | ||
| You don't have anything to sell. | ||
| So you need to pay those fucking people, because they're the reason why your cars get made. | ||
| And if they do a good job, they should be paid well. | ||
| I totally agree with you. | ||
| I mean, nothing is... | ||
| It's... | ||
| It's horrible when somebody applies themself to a job and can't sustain the minimum, you know, like having a place to live, paying for food. | ||
| Yeah, it's terrible. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| I totally agree. | ||
| The only thing that I'm not smart enough to definitely figure out is, well, what is that number? | ||
| And then, you know, do you then dictate to different places of business, it's got to be this number or it's got to be this percentage at least? | ||
| You know, how do you make it a reality? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I do know that Obamacare, according to everyone that I know that runs a business, is a fucking disaster. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And it's costing people way more money, costing businesses way more money. | ||
| I've yet to hear anybody make a convincing argument why it works. | ||
| But, on the other hand... | ||
| I'm a fan of the idea of socialized medicine. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I think that medicine should be just like the police and the fire department. | ||
| I think the people who do it should be paid really well, they should have an incentive to want those jobs, and the people should be able to get the services for free. | ||
| I really think that. | ||
| I'm not opposed to private doctors. | ||
| Say if you're a badass fucking knee surgeon, you work on the NBA, and you work on all these different people, and you're just the best at what you do, you should totally be able to work privately. | ||
| But the government... | ||
| Could easily allocate enough money to provide public health care. | ||
| It's been done in other countries. | ||
| The fact that it can't be done here, it's impossible. | ||
| They do it other places. | ||
| They don't do it well. | ||
| It sucks in England. | ||
| It fucking sucks. | ||
| Does it really? | ||
| Everybody I talk to that lives over there tell you it's a year if you hurt yourself, a year to get surgery. | ||
| Because people always cite Canada, too, and I'm sure... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Canada's a joke, too. | ||
| Well, I know that... | ||
| I know a couple Canadian people that when shit got serious, you know, and they needed to see a cardiovascular surgeon, and they talked about that weight, that they were like, fuck it, let's fly over to the Mayo Clinic. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And then you shell out the money, though. | ||
| Yeah, and then you have to come to America, and you have to pay for a hotel and airfare, and who knows if you have that money. | ||
| Yeah, I think... | ||
| I think there's got to be some sort of a comfortable middle ground, but it's got to be, it's sort of like public school. | ||
| You know, like you can get educated in this country if you don't have enough money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But is it a good education? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not in a lot of parts it's not. | ||
| Not in a lot of parts. | ||
| Not in a lot of parts of California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Southern California. | ||
| Los Angeles. | ||
| One of the richest fucking cities in all of the United States. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the schools are dog shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dog shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| There really shouldn't be an excuse for that. | ||
| No, but you know, also you're dealing with crime, you're dealing with extreme levels of poverty. | ||
| Engineering that and trying to fix that is not an easy task, but I just don't think you do that by limiting the amount of underarm sprays or toothpaste or fucking the flavors of ice cream or whatever the fuck you want to... | ||
| I don't see the connection. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| No, I just don't know. | ||
| I don't know if he's been a businessman ever. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think so. | ||
| That's what I like about Trump. | ||
| I don't like a lot of things about Trump. | ||
| I don't like how he talks about Mexicans. | ||
| That shit drives me crazy. | ||
| I mean, the idea of people sneaking over here, over the border, like, dude, how do you not have compassion? | ||
| These fucking people were born in a third world country that's attached to America. | ||
| I think he knows what he's saying when he's doing that. | ||
| He's fucking around? | ||
| Well, I think he's playing to what he knows will get... | ||
| People go, you're goddamn right, you know, at that place. | ||
| Yeah, he knows that saying those controversial things that are going to get in the paper are also going to get people going, well, at least someone's saying it. | ||
| I think he knows that. | ||
| I don't think it's an accident. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're probably right in a lot of ways, but I think he gets a big response from that, and he feeds off that response. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| But he's a successful businessman. | ||
| You know what's something someone told me though? | ||
| This is really kind of fucked up. | ||
| If he took that money that his father gave him, his father gave him two million bucks to start his business, If he took that money and put it in a mutual account, it would be worth way more than he currently is worth. | ||
| That I do not believe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I would check your friend pretty fucking hard. | ||
| I was not a friend. | ||
| Someone told me on the internet. | ||
| Well, if he put that money in a mutual fund, that would have been probably around 35 years ago, $2 million, his net worth Conservatively, it's around $4.5 billion. | ||
| I mean, do you really think that a mutual fund would have... | ||
| Well, let's look at it. | ||
| Jamie, why don't you Google that? | ||
| If Donald Trump took the money that his father gave him and invested it in blank, whatever it is, whatever that... | ||
| Whatever that equation is. | ||
| I mean, shit. | ||
| Let's see if he would have bought Apple stock, you know? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It would have been crazy. | ||
| I don't think it'd be four and a half. | ||
| What about Google? | ||
| Billion. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'd be some big money. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| But you know what's funny is that he goes, I'm worth 10 billion. | ||
| And Forbes did this breakdown of all his... | ||
| You know, assets? | ||
| And they go, no, you're not. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I am. | ||
| And that's kind of how he argues things, is go, yeah, I am, though. | ||
| You know, he doesn't have the substance, the facts behind it. | ||
| He just says, yeah. | ||
| And they go, why are you saying that? | ||
| He goes, because it sounds better. | ||
| It sounds better to be worth ten than four and a half. | ||
| Did he admit that? | ||
| Yeah, he said that. | ||
| He said it because it sounds better? | ||
| Yeah, and they said, in other words, to make him worth 10, he would be inflating the value of a lot of his holdings. | ||
| In other words, it's like saying, well, I have this house, and it's worth $65 million. | ||
| But nobody wants to buy it. | ||
| They're like, well, no houses in that neighborhood sell for that. | ||
| They sell for $3 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, not mine. | |
| 965. And that's how he determines that he's worth 10. I'm gonna start doing that. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| You just tell people, no, you're wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I don't think he can hang at all with the elite politicians when it comes to substance and knowing actual policy, knowing details. | ||
| That's a good point, but here's the question. | ||
| Is anybody who's running for president an elite politician? | ||
| Well, I mean, you'd have to say that Hillary's at least way more savvy and knows a lot more about how certainly, you know, how the world works, international affairs. | ||
| I mean, she was Secretary of State. | ||
| She knows the ins and outs of a lot of... | ||
| Well, you would assume she knows that, but wouldn't she know not to use a private email account while she's Secretary of State? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| She should go to jail for that. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| That's something that if somebody wanted to push, that's a crime. | ||
| I... You're not allowed to do that. | ||
| I still don't understand why, even though it's still discussed, how you kind of get away with that, because it just feels like... | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| But, I mean, she's certainly a more savvy politician, I think, than Trump. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is savvy, though? | ||
| Because he's saying shit that's led him to a 39% lead over any other candidate in the Republican Party. | ||
| Remember when Ben Carson was, like, on the... | ||
| He was, like, climbing. | ||
| He was ahead of him at one point. | ||
| For a minute he was, yeah. | ||
| That all dried up. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| I think people are really into the idea, the fantasy of a Trump, you know? | ||
| But I still think if you get to a debate, it's not that he wouldn't win. | ||
| Maybe he'd win, but it would be based on, well, you know, you're a fucking loser. | ||
| Like, it's like that kind of shit. | ||
| Well, he says shit like that, but it's weird. | ||
| No one ever does that, but it seems to work. | ||
| It's that... | ||
| Yeah, and then I guess you could argue, see, he is savvy. | ||
| But, I mean, I guess he's not savvy in the traditional sense. | ||
| I don't think he knows the ins and outs of the way a lot of things work. | ||
| I think his whole thing is, look, I'm super successful, and I'll get it done. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of the ways that things work are kind of bullshit. | ||
| You know, crony politics and influenced by gigantic corporations. | ||
| He doesn't have that same sort of influence because he's independently wealthy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a lot of weirdness to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There is. | |
| It's like special interest groups don't really have the same sort of pull on him that they have on other people. | ||
| No, they can't own him. | ||
| They would never let him say the shit that he's saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course not. | |
| No. | ||
| He wants to put a wall between us and Mexico and call it the Trump wall. | ||
| Put his fucking name on it. | ||
| Here's what does amuse me. | ||
| Anytime, so if this is CNN, and we're in your host of CNN show, and I'm somebody saying like, well, you know, Trump is, he's completely unqualified, and this claim he made is idiotic. | ||
| He then tweets, saw Tom Segura on CNN. Guy's always been a fucking loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoever says anything bad, he'll be like, saw his show last week, not one laugh! | ||
| Exclamation point. | ||
| Like shit like that. | ||
| He does that for everyone. | ||
| Well, you know, he did that to Ronda Rousey when Ronda got knocked out. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| He said, I'm glad she lost. | ||
| She's not a good person. | ||
| And you know why he did that? | ||
| Because he had claimed that she was a Trump supporter. | ||
| And then she said, no, I support Bernie Sanders. | ||
| And he was like, oh, really? | ||
| So when she lost, he was like, she's a loser. | ||
| Before that, he was saying that she was a supporter. | ||
| He was like, all for it. | ||
| Ronda Rousey supports me. | ||
| And she was like, the fuck I do? | ||
| And he's like, she's not a good person! | ||
| Glad she lost. | ||
| She's a loser. | ||
| It's a pretty interesting way of doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a loser. | |
| Yeah, she's a loser. | ||
| Guy's a loser. | ||
| Always been a loser. | ||
| Bunch of losers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember, he was going back and forth. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Glad to see that Ronda Rousey lost her championship fight last night. | ||
| Was soundly beaten. | ||
| Dash, not a nice person. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| What about you? | ||
| You're way more of a dick. | ||
| She's at least not a nice person to sell massive amounts of fucking pay-per-view sales and be the protagonist. | ||
| He tweets about everybody. | ||
| If they write an article in the Washington Post, the Washington Post, which has been on the decline for years, had an article written by this loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Sad. | ||
| I kinda like that! | ||
| I know, it's pretty funny. | ||
| I like that part of him. | ||
| Sad. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| Not a nice person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're fired. | ||
| Like, that's this whole thing, you know? | ||
| I was, uh, they gave me an offer to be on that show. | ||
| I was gonna do it. | ||
| I was thinking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I talked to the family. | ||
| Like, you guys wanna live in New York for a few months? | ||
| But, you know, they fire you in the beginning. | ||
| They do all that you're fired stuff in the beginning. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| So you don't have a chance to go, fuck you. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, like before anyone knows anybody's fired, he fires everybody. | ||
| Like, Tom, you're fired. | ||
| And then you get up and leave. | ||
| Jamie, you're fired. | ||
| And you get up and walk away. | ||
| Joe, you're fired. | ||
| You get up and walk away. | ||
| And then they do the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Yeah, so they don't get a chance to say, let me tell you what I think about you and your fucking plastic hair, you cunt. | ||
| You fucking sloppy dummy. | ||
| That was probably done once, and he was like, that's not going to happen again. | ||
| Well, probably, right? | ||
| I think he probably planned for it in advance. | ||
| He's probably a pretty good chess player. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I got to look like I'm always the king. | ||
| But they canceled that show after we talked shit about Mexicans. | ||
| Yeah, and Macy's ended their partnership. | ||
| They had a whole line of, you know, Trump ties and shirts. | ||
| Dead Trump ties? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, and they were like, we're done. | ||
| We're done with you. | ||
| And then Miss Universe threatened to, or NBC threatened to not air his thing. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| And he posted the contract. | ||
| He was like, I'll steal your balls off, you know? | ||
| NBC had a contract with him to air Miss Universe. | ||
| He does Miss Universe? | ||
| It's his? | ||
| Well, he sold it. | ||
| But he owned Miss Universe and maybe Miss America, too. | ||
| He owned those pageants. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He owned pageants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just to be around chicks. | ||
| He literally just bought those to be around chicks. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| For sure! | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It's a good move on his part. | ||
| It's a gangster move. | ||
| I'm a billionaire. | ||
| I bought a pageant. | ||
| I like the Czech Republic this year. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| I found some more information about what he inherited. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He was also, when his father died in 1974, him and his siblings took over a $200 million real estate business, which he may have gotten around $40 million of. | ||
| The bottom of this says if he invested that since 1974 in the S&P 500, he could be worth around $3 billion today. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So it kind of makes sense. | ||
| All right. | ||
| But that's also $40 million, not $2 million. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Not just the one or whatever he was given. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| So his current claimed network of $8.7 billion would equate to around $120 million in 1974, which is right in the middle of estimates of what he inherited. | ||
| So that means if he invested that... | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| That's confusing. | ||
| Yeah, it says the S&P is up 74-fold since 1974. I see. | ||
| So if he didn't do anything and just left it there, it'd be about $120 million. | ||
| But if he did other chances and got good business, things went well for him. | ||
| It could be worth up to $3. | ||
| Okay, so what they're saying is, here's a clear example. | ||
| It says, if he had invested the $40 million in an S&P 500 index fund, he'd be worth about $3 billion today, which is in line with the third-party estimates of $3 billion and $4 billion, which is his net worth. | ||
| So they estimate between $3 and $4 billion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, which is probably right. | ||
| Still. | ||
| Baller. | ||
| Baller. | ||
| Still baller. | ||
| Doesn't have to listen. | ||
| He can do whatever he wants. | ||
| I like that he's making a mockery of the whole thing. | ||
| I like a lot of things about him. | ||
| And apparently Jeff Ross, who did the Trump roast, says he's a good guy. | ||
| So you talk to him, he's a good guy. | ||
| He knows what he's doing. | ||
| A lot of this fucking fanfare and this craziness and all this shit that he's doing, he's mocking this stupid fucking system. | ||
| He's a smart guy. | ||
| He knows what he's doing. | ||
| I mean, look, he's talked shit about Mexicans, and he's still the fucking front-runner in a giant way. | ||
| He's like, well, someone's raping. | ||
| Someone's murdering. | ||
| We're going to let a bunch of rapists and murderers over there. | ||
| Are you saying that everyone over there is rapists and murderers? | ||
| Well, someone's raping. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's doing all the raping? | ||
| He says crazy shit like that. | ||
| It flies in the face of, look what happened to that poor fuck, the Mormon, what the fuck's his name, that ran for president last time. | ||
| The fuck's his name. | ||
| Romney. | ||
| That poor fuck, all he said was, we don't have to pay attention to the 47% that aren't going to vote for us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The lower 47% that make little money, they're not going to vote for us in the first place, so let's not pay attention to them. | ||
| That tanked his business. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That tanked it. | ||
| Tanked it. | ||
| They're like, it's over. | ||
| It's over, bitch. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's over. | |
| How about Howard Dean? | ||
| All he did was cheer. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| You fragile bitch. | ||
| You can't even cheer. | ||
| You can't cheer. | ||
| You can't scream. | ||
| Trump can say Mexicans are rapists. | ||
| And everybody's like, oh, El Chapo wants to kill him. | ||
| Check these Muslims at the border. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should stop letting them in! | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| Wait, this is a country founded by letting people in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only way this country got filled is letting people in. | ||
| Not those people! | ||
| These people are running. | ||
| They're leaving their country because radical Muslim terrorists have taken over it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| His new ad. | ||
| His first ad came out this week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it? | |
| What is it? | ||
| His first ad? | ||
| Oh my god, play this for the beginning. | ||
| Play this for the beginning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crank it. | |
| The politicians can pretend it's something else, but Donald Trump calls it radical Islamic terrorism. | ||
| That's why he's calling for a temporary shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until we can figure out what's going on. | ||
| He'll quickly cut the head off ISIS and take their oil. | ||
| And he'll stop illegal immigration by building a wall on our southern border that Mexico will pay for. | ||
| We run America great again! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He got flack for that shot of the people running. | ||
| That's not where they were from. | ||
| That was a shot of Morocco. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's pretty funny. | ||
| That's not America. | ||
| It's not running across my heels. | ||
| Just get me some brown people running. | ||
| Any brown people running in black and white footage will take it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's entertaining. | ||
| I will give him that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yeah! | |
| As a show, this is a fun show to watch. | ||
| It's the best show ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hope him and Hillary debate. | ||
| I hope he gets to debate alongside, because I think he'll crush her. | ||
| Do you think your husband will be back in the White House getting blowjobs like he was? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's going to throw some grenades, for sure. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He'll detonate some. | ||
| It'll be awesome. | ||
| And Ben Carson should be involved, too, just to tell us that the Earth is 10,000 years old and Jesus rode a unicorn through the fucking Garden of Eden. | ||
| You're a doctor. | ||
| He's a fucking awesome doctor. | ||
| He's an amazing neurosurgeon. | ||
| One of the greatest neurosurgeons this country has ever produced. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That accomplished? | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he doesn't believe in evolution. | ||
| He'll say, well, I believe in certain types of evolution. | ||
| I don't think he's a 10,000 year guy. | ||
| I don't think he's one of the young earth Christians. | ||
| But Sarah Palin was. | ||
| Sarah Palin talked to, allegedly, obviously this is all anecdotal, but she allegedly talked to a librarian in Alaska and told the librarian that she saw photos on the internet of a dinosaur footprint with a human footprint inside of it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Which means dinosaurs and people were in the same area walking. | ||
| Is that recorded? | ||
| No, it would be amazing if it was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of young earth Christians, man. | ||
| I don't know the argument that they make for carbon footprinting things, because that's how... | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| It's just a bullshit science? | ||
| It's made by losers! | ||
| Not a nice person! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that guy that said that's fucking dumb. | ||
| I know who you're talking about. | ||
| He's always been a loser. | ||
| I'm waiting for the day when no one runs for president. | ||
| I'm waiting for the day where the fucking roster is just... | ||
| Everybody gives up. | ||
| It's like, as soon as we can read minds and figure out exactly what people, what their intention is and what their past is, and you have to sign up for the mind-reading machine in order to be president, that's going to be the end. | ||
| It's a wrap! | ||
| I do think, I look at it so much differently now at this age when I see people, I'm like, you're just, they're all just egomaniacs. | ||
| Their egos are climbing out of their skin to want to be, to go through that, to be the president. | ||
| Well, Obama's publicly stated that it's not what he thought it was, and that all these people that are lining up to do it, like, listen, the fame wears off, is what he said. | ||
| And then people criticized him by taking that quote out of context and showing a bunch of pictures of him with famous people, smiling and laughing, handing out with Jay-Z and rich people, and ha ha ha ha ha ha! | ||
| And then there was this whole story about his vacations, how much his vacations cost while he was in the White House. | ||
| All the president's vacations cost a ton. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Well, they have to fly in Air Force One, and they got Secret Service everywhere. | ||
| They fly out the vehicles. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they have bulletproof cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have to. | ||
| His Hawaiian vacations, apparently, during his time in the White House, it's been $70 million taxpayers have had to pay. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| It's a little pricey. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It is a little pricey. | ||
| It's a good trip, though, man. | ||
| We had a great time on that trip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| Golfing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was golfing. | |
| That $70 million trip we took? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He was golfing when the San Bernardino murders were taking place. | ||
| He went golfing. | ||
| Out there with his little skinny legs, picking up golf balls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude doesn't do any squats. | ||
| Dude, there's this shooting going on. | ||
| Man, I'm trying to play this back nine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me a second. | |
| Why do they all play golf? | ||
| Can you be president? | ||
| There's two things you can't be if you want to be president. | ||
| You can't be someone who doesn't believe in God, and you can't be someone who doesn't play golf. | ||
| I think we're about to see maybe a change to that. | ||
| What, Hillary? | ||
| I don't think she plays. | ||
| She's going to be golfing if she wins. | ||
| Bernie? | ||
| You think if he won, he would play? | ||
| Well, first of all, I'll make golf illegal, and I'll turn those places into places where the homeless people live. | ||
| Yeah, he would be like, these courses are a waste of space. | ||
| They are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The courses... | ||
| I don't have a good Bernie impression. | ||
| I need to get a good Bernie impression. | ||
| Have you seen, I think it's James Adomian. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| He's a comic and an actor. | ||
| His Bernie Sanders is unbelievable. | ||
| Oh, let's find it. | ||
| How do you spell his last name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's A-D-O-M-I-A-N. James Adomian. | |
| I think that's it. | ||
| Bernie Sanders! | ||
| Oh, you know who else does a good one? | ||
| Stephen Crowder. | ||
| He calls it Bernie Claus. | ||
| Stephen Crowder fucking mocks Bernie pretty heavy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's pretty funny in his Bernie Claus impression. | ||
| Bernie Claus. | ||
| You know who Crowder is? | ||
| He's kind of like an internet comedian, but politically conservative. | ||
| He did a really funny thing. | ||
| Social justice warriors are always saying that you should ask people what their correct gender pronouns are because some people like to use Z and H-I-R and all these different non-conventional gender pronouns because they're either genderqueer and they don't want to be labeled in a specific male or female gender. | ||
| Your setup for this is exhausting, just to you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I want to punch whoever fucking told you this. | ||
| It's the worst thing I've ever heard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| I'm having an aneurysm right now. | ||
| I'm just thinking about where this is going to go. | ||
| Well, this is real. | ||
| See, you're paying attention to Throatzilla. | ||
| And I'm paying attention to ridiculous social requirements that people in college today are asking people to do. | ||
| And they want people to ask other people's social, you know, like they have like this real rigid idea of how you're supposed to behave socially. | ||
| And you're supposed to ask their preferred gender pronouns. | ||
| Like, I can't just assume that you are a man. | ||
| I have to ask you. | ||
| I'm not kidding! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| There's a guy, we had this guy on who was a guest who said that one of his colleagues was, I think he was fired, because he refused to, he had a student in his class that would change his gender pronoun from him to her and her to him. | ||
| And it would go back and forth, back and forth, depending on what days of the week. | ||
| Like, some days he wanted to be a girl, and some days he wanted to be a boy, and this professor was not willing to do that, and so he was fired. | ||
| Good for the professor. | ||
| That's one where I 100% support. | ||
| If you're going back and forth on, today she is here, and tomorrow he might be back. | ||
| Maybe it's tomorrow I'm Z. I'm not her, I'm Z. And then the next day I'm H-I-R, her. | ||
| Alright, I give the fuck up. | ||
| Well, you know, Harvard released a list of possible gender pronouns. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And so, like, they sent it home with people to, like, I want you to be aware of these potential gender pronouns and gender-neutral pronouns that you should be aware that people want them to use. | ||
| Fuck me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would just... | |
| Ha ha ha ha. | ||
| Walk around, I would go, he, and then if someone was like, no, I'd be like, whatever, I'm sorry. | ||
| You have a fucking beard, lady! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry! | |
| You're a he! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| You can't have a fucking Tom Segura style beard and be a she. | ||
| She? | ||
| No. | ||
| Her. | ||
| Maybe you're Z. You're Z. Z. Z Segura? | ||
| Z. Z Segura? | ||
| Mister? | ||
| Can I say mister? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, when he was in class. | ||
| Ah, excuse me! | ||
| When Z was in class. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't say it. | |
| When Z was in class. | ||
| When her was in class. | ||
| So are H-I-R. Here. | ||
| They're really using Z? Oh yeah. | ||
| Z-H-E. Here it is. | ||
| Gender binary. | ||
| These are gender binary. | ||
| He, she, her, him. | ||
| But gender neutral. | ||
| Are they, them, theirs? | ||
| Like some people on their Twitter page have preferred gender pronouns. | ||
| Use pronouns. | ||
| Z, h-r-r, h-i-r-s, z-h-e-e, here, here's, here, here. | ||
| How about here? | ||
| Pronunciation. | ||
| H-i-r is here. | ||
| It's not even her. | ||
| Z. Zier. | ||
| Ziers. | ||
| Ziers. | ||
| Sometimes Z, if you get crazy, they spell it with an X-Z. This looks like another class I would have failed. | ||
| I would have run right through the fucking door. | ||
| I would have never even bothered to open it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| No! | ||
| Get me out! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| I would have been like the Kool-Aid guy. | ||
| I would have left my outline like in the cartoons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Gone. | ||
| I'm gone. | ||
| I'm not doing it, man. | ||
| I'm really not doing it. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| What is going on? | ||
| I'll tell you what's going on. | ||
| Everybody got a trophy. | ||
| Participation trophies. | ||
| Yeah, I'm against that for sure. | ||
| Oh, that's what did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody got attention for who they are. | ||
| I'm amazing on my own right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm here. | ||
| I'm zeer. | ||
| I remember, you know, losing games. | ||
| And it sucked. | ||
| That was part of the thing, is that you remember it sucks. | ||
| Yeah, that's why winning is awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Winning is awesome because you're not a loser. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, when no one's a loser, winning isn't awesome anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because everybody gets participation trophies. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, well, my daughter, when she was three, she was playing soccer, and no one won. | ||
| I was like, what do you mean no one won? | ||
| This team scored five, that team scored zero, that team fucking won. | ||
| Nope, we don't celebrate that. | ||
| I'm going to look into a league for my kid that definitely has winners and losers. | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, when my daughter played softball, too, and she was six. | ||
| This was not even the three-year-old. | ||
| When my seven-year-old was six, she was playing softball, and they didn't count the score. | ||
| I don't get it, man. | ||
| They would run, and everybody would high-five, and nobody would count the score. | ||
| They wouldn't count. | ||
| It's just about playing. | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| What's the point of hitting the ball then? | ||
| How about we just throw the ball around? | ||
| How about you just hit balls randomly? | ||
| No. | ||
| Someone's pitching. | ||
| You're trying to hit it. | ||
| If you don't hit it, you're a loser. | ||
| Okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You suck at this. | ||
| You know what I sucked at? | ||
| T-ball. | ||
| Where the ball sits on the tee, and it doesn't move. | ||
| I had trouble with that. | ||
| I couldn't hit the tee. | ||
| Well, that's the other thing they do with kids. | ||
| If they can't hit the pitch, they give them a couple pitches, and they can't hit it, then they put it on the little stick. | ||
| And they set it up for them, and they hit it. | ||
| And they get them on base, for sure. | ||
| A lot of times, yeah. | ||
| A lot of times, they don't even hit the ball. | ||
| They hit the stick itself, and the ball falls down, and then they just start running like they just won the World Series. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I got out of t-ball pretty quick. | ||
| I was like, I suck at this shit. | ||
| I was bad at every sport until I did martial arts. | ||
| I was okay at baseball, but I wasn't a good baseball player because I wouldn't listen to the coach ever. | ||
| They would say, go on there and try to hit a single. | ||
| Okay, whatever. | ||
| And I'd get up to the point every time. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Swing for the bleachers. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I hit a couple of them and it was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the best. | |
| When you feel that TINK! That crack of the bat and that ball starts flying through the air. | ||
| You're like, yeah! | ||
| Sweet spot, man. | ||
| There's that feeling, man. | ||
| There's that feeling that you only get when you hit a home run. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You don't get that feeling when you get on base. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's like, oh, okay, I'm not a loser. | ||
| When you get on base, you're like, I'm not a loser. | ||
| But when you... | ||
| You watch that thing fucking sail into the bleachers. | ||
| You're a winner. | ||
| Winner. | ||
| Now you're a winner. | ||
| You'll won. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| You hit a home run. | ||
| You come back, everybody's high-fiving you, and the coach's like, I told you to get on base. | ||
| You could fuck all the way off, dummy. | ||
| I just hit a home run. | ||
| Yeah, that's why in football they always try to teach you when you tackle to wrap up. | ||
| You know, they're like, lower your body, head to the side, shoulder into the chest, and then you wrap up. | ||
| But you know what you try to do? | ||
| You try to light people up. | ||
| And you miss, you know? | ||
| The guy bounces off of it, but every once in a while you lay somebody the fuck out and you're like, what's up now? | ||
| So that's... | ||
| That's why you do that, you know? | ||
| That is why you do that. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with these coaches? | ||
| Raising a bunch of pussies that want to be called Z. Or her. | ||
| Or Zer. | ||
| Zer. | ||
| Zer. | ||
| Well, let's see the Bernie impression. | ||
| Do we have it? | ||
| Do we fire it up? | ||
| What's his name again? | ||
| James Adomian. | ||
| Where's he at? | ||
| He's here. | ||
| He's an L.A. guy. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pop. | |
| Let's go full screen on this bitch. | ||
| Give James Adomian some props. | ||
| Yeah, he's a funny dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the 2016 bipartisan debate, Donald Trump versus Bernie Sanders. | |
| My fellow Americans, I am running for president so that in the unlikely event that I am elected to office and there's not an immediate military coup d'etat to take me out of power, this country will engage in an unprecedented this country will engage in an unprecedented revolution politically to take on the billionaire class. | ||
| *laughter* That's really good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because in a society with a top 1% of the top 10% of the top 1% of the top 10% of the top 1% of the top 10% for those of you not tracking it that's.00000001 of the top 1% This is a great country. | |
| This is a great country. | ||
| This is a fun place. | ||
| That's pretty good too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I promise, I'm killing everyone in the polls. | |
| I can guarantee this. | ||
| I'm killing everyone in the polls. | ||
| And if I'm elected president, I will kill everyone. | ||
| I promise you that. | ||
| I can promise you that. | ||
| Here's some facts, okay? | ||
| The minute I become president, we start the Anchor Baby program where we start bronzing Mexican immigrants and putting them on naval ships so that they're put to use finally. | ||
| I'm just saying, bronze them and make it a real thing. | ||
| It's no longer an offensive metaphor. | ||
| Now, I know what you're thinking. | ||
| I know what you're thinking. | ||
| Barney, you look like you're running for president of the Muppet Show. | ||
| Look at his fucking hair. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| They grew it on the left and the right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's two wigs. | |
| I was forcibly held down in a cotton candy machine. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| That is true, but it happened while it was simultaneously being struck by lightning, giving me a rare superpower where I am simultaneously completely bald and I have more hair than anyone else running for president. | ||
| Nearly impossible to go! | ||
| That's great. | ||
| And so is the, I don't know the Trump guy's name, but he's great too. | ||
| Yeah, what is his name? | ||
| What's the Trump guy? | ||
| If you press, if you highlight the video, yeah, it's Anthony, what is it? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| James Adamanian, Adomian, and Anthony... | ||
| Adam Manwick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Both immigrants, obviously. | ||
| Both names. | ||
| Both probably Muslim terrorists. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| He does a really good Trump, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That Trump is good. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| But that fucking Bernie Sanders is on point. | ||
| It really is, man. | ||
| And talking about the percentages of the percentage, he got the substance of it down, too. | ||
| Well, everybody's looking for somebody that comes along and stands out as being the counter to what we're experiencing, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one feels like any of these people represent them, except maybe Ted Cruz fans. | ||
| There's a few fucking weirdos. | ||
| I like the guys that still stay in it, you know, when they know there's not even a shot. | ||
| Why do you think they do it? | ||
| You're just in denial. | ||
| Or they're hoping. | ||
| Yeah, but there's a certain point where you know it's not going to turn around. | ||
| They're still like, I don't know. | ||
| I've still got a shot. | ||
| You know you don't have a shot. | ||
| I mean, is Jeb still in it? | ||
| Is he still in it? | ||
| I think Jeb is laying back. | ||
| This is my thought. | ||
| My thought is Jeb is rope-a-doping. | ||
| He's letting all these people beat each other up, and he's laying way back. | ||
| And I think he's going to be the eventual Republican nominee. | ||
| That's what I believe. | ||
| His numbers are terrible, aren't they? | ||
| Yep, and he's not trying. | ||
| He's not trying to do anything about it. | ||
| He's got a long way to go. | ||
| November, right? | ||
| Which is almost a year from now. | ||
| Think about what can happen publicly in a year. | ||
| In a year, people become superstars, from no name to superstars. | ||
| In this world, the world we're experiencing today, this is a different world. | ||
| Like, you gotta be careful. | ||
| And if you're a media-savvy guy, and I gotta assume that anybody who grows up where his fucking dad was president and his brother was president, boy, if anybody understands that business, it's him and Hillary. | ||
| But Hillary looks so tired. | ||
| She looks exhausted. | ||
| She looks super unhealthy. | ||
| Here's a thought. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Hillary Clinton and Christie Brinkley are essentially the same age. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Aren't they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I bet they are. | ||
| I bet they're fucking close. | ||
| Who would you rather hook up with? | ||
| Hillary, just for the story. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good story. | ||
| Christy Brinkley, it's like, so you're gonna marry her, bro? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Hillary's like, ew, what were you thinking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I was doing coke, and I had fucking Viagra in me. | |
| Yeah, I did 200 milligrams of Viagra, I did 10 lines of coke, I drank a bottle of tequila, I was on ecstasy, and I ate mushrooms. | ||
| She's had a real dog, too, so she's had some savage sex, I think, you know? | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| She probably hasn't been fucked in forever. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| She's probably been a lesbian for the last 30 or 40 years, at least. | ||
| Just hangs in there with them? | ||
| They made a deal. | ||
| I think they made a deal. | ||
| Let's just take a picture together. | ||
| What am I now? | ||
| What the fuck do I know? | ||
| I'm talking shit. | ||
| But I gotta assume... | ||
| First of all, if you got a guy like Bill, you get to know him, you know that dude's a freak. | ||
| He's a whip his dick out type freak. | ||
| He's one of those guys like, hey, how are you? | ||
| What do we have here? | ||
| That's my dick. | ||
| Belongs in your mouth. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Christy Brinkley. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| But that's a really good picture of Hillary, too, by the way. | ||
| There's some horrific pictures of Hillary. | ||
| You can find some monstrous ones. | ||
| That's probably from about 30, 40 years ago, too. | ||
| How long was that picture? | ||
| It says it's November 21st, so two months old. | ||
| Lies. | ||
| That's photoshop. | ||
| The same people that girls are on Instagram, they use that. | ||
| She's listed as 68 and Christy Brinkley 61, so a seven year gap. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| There's no way that Christy Brinkley is going to look that bad in seven years. | ||
| Go for a better picture of Christy Brinkley. | ||
| That can happen in seven years. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at her face right there. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Dude, she's hot. | ||
| But she's also genetically gifted, you know? | ||
| That's her gift, to look like that. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| I think there's a lot involved. | ||
| It's not just genetics involved. | ||
| She certainly was genetically gifted at the jump. | ||
| To have that bone structure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's a lot involved there. | ||
| First of all, there's massive exercise, diet. | ||
| She takes care of herself. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Gotta be some Botox and some cautious use of fillers. | ||
| Kegels. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that one right there. | ||
| Like, come on, man. | ||
| That's a hot 35-year-old. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| How is that? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Why aren't her teeth rotting out of her fucking head? | ||
| Are those real? | ||
| They can't be real teeth. | ||
| Probably not hers, yeah. | ||
| Those teeth are made out of like ivory from murdered elephants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those aren't real teeth. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| My grandmother died when she was like 64. And her teeth look like shit. | ||
| Why is she so hot? | ||
| I appreciate the effort, too. | ||
| By the way, her forehead would not move if you had a hundred Mexicans and six trucks trying to move it. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| All the moving trucks in the world are not gonna make that fucking forehead move. | ||
| That thing is frozen in time like a bully mammoth trapped underneath a glacier. | ||
| Nothing's moving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the fucking forehead. | |
| That shit ain't moving. | ||
| She barely has some lines on the corner of her eyes. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| She's hot as fuck though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever she's doing, everyone should do it. | ||
| We should all do it. | ||
| And by the way, this is what we're seeing from this rare of rare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The 1% of the 1% of the 1%! | |
| This is... | ||
| She's the rarest of the rare when it comes to, like, women in their 60s that are still hot as fuck. | ||
| She's 100% hot as fuck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That... | ||
| Is what women are going to look like in the future. | ||
| There's this doctor, I think his name is Peter Welling. | ||
| The same guy who created Regenikine, that blood spinning procedure. | ||
| They are literally months away from launching some new treatment where it reignites your body's ability to produce collagen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so collagen is what makes your face turn all Hillary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like hang and droop and it loses all its elasticity. | ||
| They're going to... | ||
| Bring that shit right back to life. | ||
| Your face pops up? | ||
| No more when women get those old lady elbows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where the skin's just hanging. | ||
| Nobody wants to see that. | ||
| So what will they do? | ||
| They'll just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't understand the procedure. | ||
| But it'll tighten up on you. | ||
| You're going to... | ||
| Your body's collagen production is going to re-kickstart. | ||
| It's going to just jam back into your skin and your cells are going to flourish and they're just going to fucking look elastic and... | ||
| Yeah, you're going to... | ||
| Ooh, wonderful again. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like us all walking around all tight-faced. | ||
| Yeah, hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Old ladies are going to snap back to life. | ||
| Start strength training again. | ||
| Build their butt up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| And they'll be looking for... | ||
| They'll still have old lady feet. | ||
| D. Ugh, yeah. | ||
| Keep socks on. | ||
| Keep those socks on. | ||
| Big, thick socks. | ||
| I don't even see the twisted shape underneath. | ||
| And that heel crust that won't go away. | ||
| Ooh, heel crust. | ||
| Don't they have treatments for that, though? | ||
| They sand it down, right? | ||
| Yeah, there's commercials for it. | ||
| Pumice stones. | ||
| They're always trying to... | ||
| things that'll just shave it off, but I don't know. | ||
| Have you ever seen that show, Dual Survivor? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wait, is that the one where it's a couple ex-military guys and they drop them off? | ||
| They're wandering around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They survive. | ||
| Drop them off in a lake or something. | ||
| It's like sort of a fake version of Survivor Man with two dudes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But one of the guys who's a survival expert, and I use air quotes for that. | ||
| I'm sure he's an expert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I think his name is Cody. | ||
| He's completely crazy. | ||
| He doesn't wear shoes. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| So he goes through the jungle, wandering through the jungle barefoot, and his feet are a fucking atrocity. | ||
| They have to be. | ||
| They have to be. | ||
| They're a crime against nature. | ||
| His feet, he doesn't wear shoes. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| So he's just developed these insanely thick calluses on his feet. | ||
| Like, there's photos of his feet online. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Well, that's a good photo. | ||
| His feet look great there. | ||
| But you gotta see what his feet look like when they get close up on the bottoms of him. | ||
| I've seen some horrific photos of what his feet look like. | ||
| But he just walks everywhere. | ||
| Through the jungle, like there's his heel. | ||
| Oh my fucking god. | ||
| Yeah, look how thick it is. | ||
| It's all cracked and everything. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's called dual survivor. | ||
| Yeah, there's the bottoms of his feet. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to. | |
| That's so gross. | ||
| Made my eyes water. | ||
| He's got elephant skin feet. | ||
| God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's what people did. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It is weird that we have clothes. | ||
| And shoes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, for years, I mean, obviously many, many years, everybody walked and ran everywhere barefoot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's why it's strange to see someone naked. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You don't have any clothes on. | ||
| Who's the first person to wear clothes? | ||
| Who's the first person to come out of the cave? | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| This guy's got underwear on. | ||
| It's a guy with a little dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Had to be. | |
| Had to be. | ||
| He saw a couple and he was like, what the fuck is that thing? | ||
| When do you think little dicks started surviving? | ||
| That's a trait, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Somebody with a little dick had to fuck somebody. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But that had to be like... | ||
| I don't know if that's a... | ||
| I mean, is it a trait? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because... | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Everybody with a big dick has a big dick son? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Can you imagine if you have a giant dick and your kid has a little tiny micro dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| I know. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You're not my son. | ||
| Yeah, you probably start thinking, that fucking whore. | ||
| She's banging some little dick guy. | ||
| She got tired of my big dick. | ||
| My son's three weeks old. | ||
| Giant hog? | ||
| No, we have about the same size dick, though. | ||
| I mean, his body, proportion-wise, about lines up. | ||
| Can you imagine if your son was born with just a giant hog? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He comes out. | ||
| Why does he have two umbilical? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's his hog. | ||
| It's his hog. | ||
| Timmy's a baby. | ||
| It's hard every day. | ||
| The balls look big. | ||
| How big? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know, their body, you know, it's such so small the baby. | ||
| And then you see like a ball bag that stands out for the size of the baby. | ||
| Do you know that the size of the testicles is directly proportionate to the amount of promiscuous women who are in the area? | ||
| Well, there's some fucking sluts where I live, because he's got big balls on him. | ||
| Well, they actually say that the human body adapts to the amount of promiscuous women that are in the area, and your balls... | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That's how it is with primates. | ||
| The more promiscuous the women are in the area, the larger the testicles are of the primate. | ||
| That's why chimps have giant balls, but gorillas have little tiny balls. | ||
| Little tiny balls and little tiny dicks. | ||
| For chimps. | ||
| For gorillas. | ||
| For gorillas. | ||
| Because chimp women are hookers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're just sluts. | ||
| But gorilla women, they mind their P's and Q's. | ||
| They fucking keep it in line. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the gorilla has a... | ||
| Right. | ||
| The gorilla has a harem. | ||
| He's got a harem of a big fucking pile of bitches and just sticks his little tiny dick in them. | ||
| Fast and easy. | ||
| The chimp, they just fuck. | ||
| Everybody fucks everybody. | ||
| And what's the super slutty bonobos? | ||
| They must have some dicks on them. | ||
| Giant dicks, giant balls. | ||
| They're balls. | ||
| Chimp balls are giant. | ||
| And that's the reason why they're giant. | ||
| But they have observed that in humans. | ||
| Like, there's a direct relation to the size of the testicles because the more sluts there are in the area, the more competition there is to get your sperm in. | ||
| So you have to produce more sperm. | ||
| So you have to have larger balls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| That's something, man. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| It's pretty nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In primates, there's a direct connection. | ||
| They used to think that there was different kinds of sperm. | ||
| There was a book written called Sperm Wars, but it's been largely disproven. | ||
| And the idea behind that book was that there's different kinds of sperm. | ||
| There's actual sperm that attack other sperm. | ||
| They go in there and they attack other sperm. | ||
| That turns out to not be true. | ||
| There's no evidence that sperm have any other duty other than Coming, you know, hitting eggs and trying to get people pregnant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't have any other properties. | ||
| They don't actually kill sperm. | ||
| It sounds like a good premise for a movie, though. | ||
| Sounds like an awesome premise. | ||
| Killer jizz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She went blind. | ||
| She got the killer jizz in her eye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Evil sperm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're, like, around a lot of promiscuous women, like on a porn set, then that jizz that gets in a girl's eyes could probably blind her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Because it's just looking to kill other sperm. | ||
| They burrow into your eye. | ||
| Like little fucking piranhas. | ||
| It's chewing away through the outer eight. | ||
| On one of those mugs, it starts bubbling because there's mean ones in there. | ||
| It froth like a fucking feeding frenzy in the mug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you bet a bunch of guys jizz in the mug. | |
| It starts bubbling over. | ||
| And the fucking gang fight in the comm. | ||
| She's like, I don't want to drink it. | ||
| Drink it! | ||
| It's frothing like boiling water No, have you ever gone fishing? | ||
| Where there's a feeding frenzy? | ||
| I Yes, I have, actually. | ||
| I was in Mexico, and it was awesome, man, because I took my kids fish. | ||
| My kids love fishing. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, they love it. | ||
| Because it's fun for little kids. | ||
| Like, if you could get them near where the fish are, and they actually catch one, it's so exciting, and then they get to eat it. | ||
| They're so happy. | ||
| Like, we caught this! | ||
| I'm eating it, and we caught it, Mommy! | ||
| They're so excited, but we went out in Mexico, and there was like a hundred yards, like a football field size, of all these jacks, like amber jacks, I guess they are, skip jacks? | ||
| Amber jacks, yeah. | ||
| And they were crushing these bait fish. | ||
| So they're like anchovies or something like that, or minnows, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And they're smashing these things. | ||
| And the whole football-feel size is just frothing. | ||
| And all you had to do is get close to it and cast a lure in there. | ||
| And then bam! | ||
| And the girls were like, ah! | ||
| And they're holding on to the rod, and I have to hold on with them. | ||
| Otherwise, the fish will literally pull the rod into the water. | ||
| It was wild, man. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Yeah, fishing is a pretty good time. | ||
| I haven't done it in a while. | ||
| Fucking love it. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's so fun, man. | ||
| I just love the idea that you can go out into that water and catch lunch. | ||
| You just go out there and bring home dinner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not a store. | ||
| And have you ever had fish that's caught? | ||
| They prepared it for us. | ||
| We caught a couple different kinds of fish. | ||
| When I was in Hawaii, we caught an ono. | ||
| Or it's a wahoo, but they call them onos. | ||
| And an ono is delicious. | ||
| It's such a delicious fish. | ||
| And it's a big fish, too. | ||
| We couldn't have even eaten all of it, so I gave half of it to the guy who ran the boat, and then we took half of it, and half of the fish was enough for my whole family. | ||
| Everybody ate it. | ||
| And they ate it, they prepared it a bunch of different ways. | ||
| They made sashimi out of it, they baked it, and they grilled it. | ||
| So they gave us like three different preparations. | ||
| And oh, they even made ceviche. | ||
| Yeah, they made ceviche as well. | ||
| What city were you in doing this? | ||
| That was in Maui. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was really awesome, man. | ||
| No, actually, that was on the Big Island. | ||
| I love Hawaii, man. | ||
| I wish it wasn't so far. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But that's why it's awesome. | ||
| Because it's so far. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it was right there, it'd be like Mexico. | ||
| Just go right there. | ||
| But Mexico's pretty badass, too, man. | ||
| Do you go there recently? | ||
| Mexico? | ||
| Yeah, I was there last year. | ||
| What area? | ||
| Punta Mita, I think it's called. | ||
| Is that Puerto Vallarta? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's near Puerto Vallarta? | ||
| Yeah, I went to Tulum. | ||
| Tulum is nice. | ||
| That was cool. | ||
| Next time I go, I want to go where the Aztec pyramids are. | ||
| Because when I was in Mexico City... | ||
| I've been to Mexico City twice last year for the UFC. But when I go, man, I just fucking chill in my hotel. | ||
| I work out. | ||
| That's a pretty crazy city, right? | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| It's chaos. | ||
| First of all, the pollution is worse than anything you've ever seen in your life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I took photos and put it on my Instagram and people thought it was bullshit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| The photos on Instagram that I put up, it looks like you're in a fire. | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| Oh, it's crazy. | ||
| It's way worse than LA. It's like LA in 20 years. | ||
| Well, it's way more people, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the biggest city in the world. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah, I believe so. | ||
| More than Chinese cities, like Beijing? | ||
| There's some people. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it's the biggest. | ||
| It might be just the biggest in North America. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| Yeah, they might have Chinese cities with 100 billion people. | ||
| I think Tokyo's the biggest. | ||
| Last time we looked this up. | ||
| Tokyo? | ||
| Yeah, it's like 22, 3, 30 million. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| But isn't that L.A.? Doesn't L.A. have 20 million? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| It's not official. | ||
| Well, let's Google the world. | ||
| Let's guess right now. | ||
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| I have a guess on a couple of things. | ||
| L.A. County? | ||
| Not city. | ||
| County is probably 13, 14 million. | ||
| You're not counting Mexicans. | ||
| Am I not? | ||
| How many illegal aliens are there in California? | ||
| No one has a fucking clue. | ||
| 7 million. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It might be true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seven million illegals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Thirteen million regular. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Normal people. | ||
| Normal people. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It says 3.8 for LA. Bullshit! | ||
| I think that's like LA City proper. | ||
| That's exactly what that is. | ||
| That's the horseshit. | ||
| That's LA City proper. | ||
| That's Los Feliz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But that's not counting, you know, that's not the greater metropolitan area. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing is that LA is not really a city. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's, you know, it seems like it's a silly... | ||
| Whoa, what is 18 million? | ||
| Greater Los Angeles area, 18 million. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 18.5. | ||
| Yeah, that seems... | ||
| That's more likely. | ||
| See, the thing about when I say LA is not a city, what I mean is like New York City is a city. | ||
| It's only New York City. | ||
| Like you go there and you're like, oh, now we're in the city. | ||
| Top to bottom, left to right, we're in the city. | ||
| And people say, oh, we left the city. | ||
| Greater Tokyo is 35 million. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| 27% of the nation's entire population... | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Now, how about China's cities? | ||
| Because I saw something that said they have something like 10, maybe more than 10 cities in China with 20 million or more people. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| China cities. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| List of cities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Look at that! | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Look at that first city. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| We don't even know what fucking city that is. | ||
| What's area? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Where's the population? | ||
| Guangzhou. | ||
| Guangzhou has 12,700,000. | ||
| Okay, so Shanghai 23. Jesus. | ||
| 23 for Shanghai. | ||
| What is Beijing? | ||
| That says administrative area. | ||
| 19. That's not the real... | ||
| But see, the problem with this is you're leaving this up to people in China to count their people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, this city that you've never heard of that has 28 million. | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you did an admirable attempt. | |
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| That if you do that, you're an asshole. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You know, if you incorrectly pronounce Asian cities in a humorous way, you're a terrible person. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You can't say chong chong chong. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| Well, you just did. | ||
| But I'm a bad person. | ||
| Right. | ||
| See, I'm a bad person. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Gwangju. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gwangju. | |
| Population. | ||
| 2015. What do we got here? | ||
| 14 million? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| According to who? | ||
| Gwangjujians? | ||
| They're not counting. | ||
| They're not counting, for real. | ||
| They're hiding their babies, too. | ||
| They're for real, for real. | ||
| And you're only allowed to have women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| 30 million additional. | ||
| 30 million migrants. | ||
| Living in the area for six months out of the year. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| So they have 13 million and 30 million. | ||
| 30 million people just kind of sitting around. | ||
| They don't really live here. | ||
| There are snowbirds. | ||
| You're living there. | ||
| You're living there. | ||
| You can't say migrants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You're fucking with your numbers, man. | ||
| That's Hollywood logic or Hollywood arithmetic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When they do Hollywood accounting on movies, we have a movie that made a hundred million dollars and they tell the actors, I'm sorry, no profit. | ||
| Didn't really make that kind of money. | ||
| Yeah, we'd love to give you what you deserve, but we can't because the accounting, it says that we didn't make any money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| That's how they do it with record companies too, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Have you seen Soaked in Bleach? | ||
| Soaked in Bleach? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's something that I have to watch. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's Courtney... | ||
| There's a documentary about Courtney Love. | ||
| Eddie Bravo and Brendan Schaub were fucking raving about it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They were saying that she killed Kurt Cobain. | ||
| And her former bodyguard or private investigator, apparently, he's the one who... | ||
| Recorded all these conversations with her. | ||
| It's another Netflix jammy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not. | |
| No, it's a documentary. | ||
| But it's on Netflix, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we're talking about Narcos. | ||
| You just started that. | ||
| Yeah, Narcos. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| Narcos is the shit. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Fucking Netflix is killing it lately. | ||
| F is for Family, the Bill Burr series. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Bloodline. | ||
| The new Bob and Dave show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mr. Show. | ||
| They're doing a new version of it. | ||
| With Bob and David, yeah. | ||
| They're calling, I don't know what they're calling it. | ||
| With Bob and David. | ||
| That's what it's called? | ||
| With Bob and David. | ||
| It's funny, man. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't seen it. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| I saw the Aziz Ansari show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm, so-so. | |
| Yeah? | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's been rave reviews. | ||
| As Ys Ansari shows? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| Bloodline. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You watched the whole thing? | ||
| I watched the first episode. | ||
| I was like, it's okay. | ||
| I mean, I had a couple laughs. | ||
| You know who was funny in it? | ||
| Eric Werheim? | ||
| Tim and Eric? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| That guy's a maniac. | ||
| He's really funny. | ||
| He's funny. | ||
| He's funny in that. | ||
| But Bob and David, maybe the problem is I compared it to Bob and David. | ||
| Maybe if I watched it on its own, I would like it more. | ||
| But Bob and David was fucking funny, like really good. | ||
| I just got into The Killing and ran through that, which was an AMC show. | ||
| That ended up on Netflix and then Netflix paid for a fourth season. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That series, I loved it. | ||
| I loved The Killing. | ||
| What is it about? | ||
| It's about these two Seattle homicide detectives, but it's really good, you know, storytelling. | ||
| Basically, it's them following a murder per season. | ||
| And they really, you know... | ||
| It makes it super engaging. | ||
| It's cliffhanger stuff where it ends, you're like, fucking press play on the next one. | ||
| Isn't that crazy, too? | ||
| They release... | ||
| That's one of the things where Netflix figured it out. | ||
| They just released the entire season in one gulp. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Binge watch it, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| House of Cards. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| They had House of Cards. | ||
| I watched House of Cards, too. | ||
| I watched one and a half episodes. | ||
| That's all I've seen. | ||
| But I saw it on a plane. | ||
| American Airlines has Netflix on a fucking plane. | ||
| Well, that one, I'll tell you, I think... | ||
| You get three episodes in the House of Cards. | ||
| Consider it. | ||
| Oh, you're done. | ||
| You're going to watch the whole fucking thing if you make it that far. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It gets better? | ||
| Pilots are tough. | ||
| I think, yeah. | ||
| The more you watch shows like that, you understand that pilots are tough to introduce a world, introduce characters, make you care about what's going on. | ||
| But once, if you can get over that hurdle, and you get to the second or third, and when it's good, like I said, Bloodline, I was totally... | ||
| Impressed with after I got through a couple episodes. | ||
| And Fargo, which is not a Netflix thing, but both of those seasons, you know, the first season pilot of Fargo is just one of the best pilots I've ever seen. | ||
| I never hear about Fargo. | ||
| I never hear about it. | ||
| It's so fucking good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think it might be the best show on television. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gosh! | |
| Damn it, Tommy! | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How are you saying this? | ||
| You gotta check it out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'll give you... | ||
| What? | ||
| What are you gonna give me? | ||
| Give me something. | ||
| I have it on DVD. Come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me something. | |
| But you can also just digitally... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me some shit, man. | |
| You can also just, you know, on demand. | ||
| It's on demand. | ||
| If you really care, dude, give me something. | ||
| I'll give you the fucking thing. | ||
| I give it to you. | ||
| It's on Netflix? | ||
| No. | ||
| But if you have Apple TV, you go to FX On Demand, you can just watch it on demand. | ||
| Apple TV is another thing. | ||
| That is the shit. | ||
| Netflix is built in. | ||
| Netflix is built in. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| And the new one apparently is even better. | ||
| I got the last generation. | ||
| Is the new generation out? | ||
| Of what? | ||
| Of Apple TV? I got the old shit. | ||
| I don't even have the new shit. | ||
| There's new shit. | ||
| There's a new one. | ||
| The remote's better and all that. | ||
| It's way easier to use. | ||
| It's faster. | ||
| The remote's better. | ||
| I might have to get a second Apple TV. Isn't there a way you can make a remote with your phone? | ||
| You turn your phone into a remote? | ||
| That's some shit. | ||
| That's some Jamie shit. | ||
| Well, they've been doing that with Android phones for a while. | ||
| Some Android phones actually have an IR thing in the front where you can point it at your TV and you can actually change channels. | ||
| The Apple guy was trying to get me when I was in the store. | ||
| He's like, oh, buy these lights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And then your phone can control lights and make them different colors in your home. | ||
| Yeah, we have those. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They're here. | ||
| They're here? | ||
| Never install them. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I don't have that kind of time, dude. | ||
| I go, dude, come on. | ||
| Yeah, and then someone hacks my phone and turns the fucking lights on off and on while I'm sleeping. | ||
| It's no fun. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| It is bullshit, man. | ||
| It's a light switch. | ||
| My wife installed these stupid fucking light panels in my house. | ||
| They're like a little computer where you have to touch it. | ||
| It's a touch screen thing. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| She likes it because it looks cool, but they don't click. | ||
| There's not a click. | ||
| So when you walk in a room and the light's off, you can't just touch it. | ||
| You have to look at it, find out where the white light is, touch that, and then it turns out. | ||
| It's glass. | ||
| There's no tactile feel. | ||
| Horse shit. | ||
| Horse shit. | ||
| How do you feel about curved TVs? | ||
| Curved TVs are dog shit. | ||
| They can suck my dick. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| All right. | ||
| I was looking for an opinion. | ||
| I want a flat TV. God damn it. | ||
| I'm not looking to sit in a fucking cockpit of a jet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is it curved? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What, do I have to look left? | ||
| Look right? | ||
| Look forward? | ||
| I don't know where to look. | ||
| I want it right in front of me. | ||
| Flat. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Not too big. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| What size are you talking about? | ||
| TVs can get too fucking big. | ||
| What size are you talking about? | ||
| Assholes, they're 100-inch TV. What the fuck are you looking at? | ||
| What are you going up to, 55? | ||
| How close are you? | ||
| How about you get a smaller TV and sit closer, you fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You got a 100-inch TV. We gotta sit a mile away from that fucking thing to take in the entire image? | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| What about projectors? | ||
| Those are dog shit. | ||
| I've had one. | ||
| They take a couple seconds to boot up. | ||
| They're stupid. | ||
| If someone steps in front of it, you see that person on the screen. | ||
| So TV's the way to go. | ||
| TVs are definitely the way to go. | ||
| The image is better, too. | ||
| And I've had several generations of projectors. | ||
| Were you at my house? | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| When I had the projector room? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, that's all gone now. | ||
| There's a pool table in there. | ||
| I gutted that room. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| Yeah, I changed it. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| But the projector was there when I got there, when I moved in. | ||
| I had to buy it, and it was stupid. | ||
| I shouldn't have bought it. | ||
| I should have told them, take that wonky hunk of shit and get out of here. | ||
| I own your house! | ||
| Kick the bricks! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the light, if the curtains were open even a little, you couldn't watch TV. Yeah, that sucks. | ||
| You had to make it so dark you couldn't see anything. | ||
| You had to get blackout curtains. | ||
| You had to get blackout curtains. | ||
| You had to shut the door. | ||
| If anybody opened the door while we were watching TV, close the door! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't see the fucking screen! | |
| That sucks. | ||
| It was so stupid. | ||
| So then we got the next generation of projector, which is smaller. | ||
| It's a lower profile. | ||
| And it was much, much, much better. | ||
| And then I got a big TV in there. | ||
| And I was like, these things are stupid. | ||
| Projectors are stupid. | ||
| They're just not as good. | ||
| It's not as good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| I mean, I'm just thinking about it. | ||
| You thinking about it? | ||
| I love, you know, I love watching movies and all that. | ||
| Just get a TV. Badass TV. You want a nice TV. They have 4K TVs now. | ||
| Like, this is a 4K TV. This fucking thing looks so good. | ||
| The resolution is so high-end, it's so pretty, that when you're looking at an image, like, it doesn't get any better than that. | ||
| You know, my new special's in 4K. Oh my goodness, your new special that's out this Friday on Netflix? | ||
| January 8th. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| It's called Mostly Stories. | ||
| Why'd you call it Mostly Stories? | ||
| I just figured I'd tell stories, even though the whole special is not stories. | ||
| Is the story about your doctor in this one? | ||
| That's in my... | ||
| Other special. | ||
| It's in my other special. | ||
| I fucking love that story. | ||
| You know that I get a breakdown of what does the best from SoundExchange? | ||
| They go, here's what people are playing the most on Pandora. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, and that story's number one. | ||
| It's a funny fucking story. | ||
| That's the Dr. Dick story. | ||
| That's a real guy too, right? | ||
| That's a real guy. | ||
| Who I finally told him that I told a story about him and I gave it to him to listen to. | ||
| And then he called me and he was like, I fucking love it. | ||
| He's like, I just sent it to my parents and they can't believe I talk like this to my patients. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If anybody hasn't seen it, we don't want to give away any spoilers because it's a fucking hilarious story. | |
| Yeah, that's my special. | ||
| It's called Completely Normal, which is on Netflix. | ||
| Is that the one with the Serena Williams bit in it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But this one has a bunch of stories of, you know, it has a bunch of stand-up. | ||
| It's a stand-up special, but I have stories about my trainer in it. | ||
| I have a story about... | ||
| Oh, your Jesus trainer? | ||
| Yeah, I have him in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then I have... | |
| He's going to find out, I think. | ||
| He's definitely going to find out. | ||
| He's going to find out. | ||
| I have a Tyson, my Mike Tyson story is in this new one. | ||
| That's a great story, too. | ||
| Yeah, and I have a story about a movie theater fight that I got into, and yeah, there's all kinds of stories in it, so I called it mostly stories. | ||
| What was I going to ask you? | ||
| Oh, this is what I'm going to tell you. | ||
| You know, I downloaded one of your CDs off iTunes. | ||
| I bought one of your comedy CDs. | ||
| Oh, thanks, man. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| But there's something, I was just in the mood for some comedy, and I know you're hilarious, but I was really weird. | ||
| My phone, like when you have Bluetooth synced up to your phone, and your phone, if it starts, when I get in my car, I don't know what the settings are or why it does this, but my car will just all of a sudden start playing, like from the moment, because it's synced up to Bluetooth, it has Bluetooth for music, so when I get in my car, it'll all of a sudden start playing music. | ||
| It plays your fucking Serena Williams bit every time. | ||
| That's so bizarre. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| It plays it first. | ||
| So when I get in my car and I start my car up, I hear you. | ||
| You're the first thing that I hear every time. | ||
| That's so bizarre. | ||
| The whole about, you know, I want to die in a dumb way. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like it goes right into that. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| It's happened to me. | ||
| Well, it happens to me in my car with a gang star, which I guess is probably better than my Serena Williams business. | ||
| For you, it's better. | ||
| If you got in your car and you started playing your shit, you'd be like, hey, hey, hey, listen to this. | ||
| This is my favorite. | ||
| This is my favorite shit. | ||
| But actually, you know who else it happens to with what you're saying? | ||
| My mother called me and she goes, I bought your album and now every time I get in the car it plays and how do I stop it from doing that? | ||
| That's my own mother. | ||
| She's fucking sick of my shit. | ||
| I wonder why your song, or that one bit rather, plays every time. | ||
| Every time I get in my car, it starts off with that. | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| Yeah, it's very strange. | ||
| What is your Gangstar one that goes? | ||
| I think it's Above the Clouds. | ||
| Which makes sense because... | ||
| It's alphabetical. | ||
| That's alphabetical. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| Hmm. | ||
| But gangs are... | ||
| But why... | ||
| I mean... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what it is. | ||
| And sometimes if I plug in the phone... | ||
| Then it will also only play that song and won't let me fast forward or jump to another song. | ||
| What is the name of that bit? | ||
| I think it's called... | ||
| A Good Death. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Oh, that's why. | ||
| A. I do think about death. | ||
| A. That's why. | ||
| I just want it to be justified. | ||
| That's how every fucking day starts for me. | ||
| It's because A. Yeah, it must be. | ||
| It must be. | ||
| Well, that's a good move. | ||
| I'm going to name all my bits A Big Dick Story. | ||
| That was like what I did with my special. | ||
| Every fucking bit was called a big dick story. | ||
| Another big dick story. | ||
| My favorite big dick story. | ||
| I had that thing where I, that was kind of the idea behind when I did my first album called Thrilled, where I do like a parody of Michael Jackson's Thriller. | ||
| The whole idea, like part of the fun of that was so that I, because I knew that people who got the album had a good chance of in their library having it next to Michael Jackson's Thriller. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| And people send me screen grabs. | ||
| They sent me screen grabs of their library. | ||
| You know what my favorite part of that picture is? | ||
| I love how you trimmed your neck, but not your chest. | ||
| There's like a wall between your facial hair, and then you have this bridge of no hair. | ||
| So much hair. | ||
| That should be the name of my next album. | ||
| So much hair. | ||
| So people send you screen grabs of you? | ||
| Of their phone being like, it's like me and Michael Jackson, you know, like side by side. | ||
| Thrilled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Look at you with the chest hair and a fucking chain. | ||
| Something about chest hair and chain together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You attract a very specific type of woman with that look. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Chest hair and chains? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the kind that'll scoop and score, I think, then. | ||
| Scoop and score. | ||
| Have you watched F is for Family yet? | ||
| I saw the first episode. | ||
| I just saw the first one. | ||
| Fucking funny, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it is. | |
| I love the neighbor. | ||
| I was thinking of him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The gold chains and the hairy chest. | ||
| That guy's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a funny series, man. | ||
| Yeah, Bill killed it, man. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Apparently, Louis C.K. is going to do an animated series now, too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Those gingers are taking over, man. | ||
| Gingers are fucking running it. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's like a lot of lack of pussy when you're young. | ||
| It's hard to get laid. | ||
| That tension builds up. | ||
| You get upset. | ||
| Focus and drive. | ||
| Focus and drive. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That redheaded focus and drive. | ||
| So he's going to do an animated one, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's apparently going to do an animated one, too. | ||
| Animated series, man. | ||
| You get away with so much. | ||
| I mean, think about what South Park has gotten away with. | ||
| The stuff that they can do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What Beavis and Butthead did back in the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Weren't they going to redo Beavis and Butthead? | ||
| They did, right? | ||
| But nobody cared anymore. | ||
| But he's doing that HBO show. | ||
| Mike Judd? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What show? | ||
| Silicon Valley. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| That's his. | ||
| That's a good show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| That's another funny show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is this the best time ever to be just a fucking loser who sits in front of the TV? Without doubt. | ||
| This is the best TV shows ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| TV has, for a while now, just leapt over films. | ||
| Movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cinema. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Think about what you can do with TV, man. | ||
| Well, the thing about TV is something like Game of Thrones is like a new movie every week, and it's tied together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a movie, I mean, how much can you really get attached to a character in a two-hour film? | ||
| You kind of can. | ||
| You can, but not the way you can over 10, 15, 20-episode season, for sure. | ||
| You know what else I like? | ||
| That these television shows, whether it's Narcos or whether it's Game of Thrones, they're largely unknown actors. | ||
| So you associate them with the actual character instead of going, oh, here's Benicio Del Toro playing another crazy guy. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| That's big, man. | ||
| Because when I go to the movies and I see Tom Cruise, I'm seeing Tom fucking Cruise. | ||
| I'm not seeing some mad scientist. | ||
| I'm not seeing a private agent. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I'm a secret agent. | ||
| I'm seeing Tom fucking Cruise. | ||
| He's famous. | ||
| Or Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Lawrence. | ||
| I'm seeing them. | ||
| I know it's them. | ||
| You can't lie to me. | ||
| It's why those actors that really get into playing parts stand out so much. | ||
| The way that... | ||
| Philip Seymour Hoffman used to play roles. | ||
| You'd lose yourself in his role because he was so committed to not being the actor. | ||
| He was the part. | ||
| Daniel Day-Lewis is my favorite example. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That fucking guy, when he did that boxer movie, he did nothing but box for a year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For a year. | ||
| All he did was go to the boxing gym every day and train. | ||
| He's the only guy that I've ever seen in a movie where he actually looked like a real boxer when he was doing the scenes. | ||
| It was like, if you watch The Fighter with Marky Mark Wahlberg, and he's playing Mickey Ward. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He doesn't look like a boxer. | ||
| He looks like a guy who knows how to throw punches. | ||
| Gyllenhaal? | ||
| Do you think he looked like a boxer? | ||
| I didn't see that movie yet. | ||
| But the Marky Mark movie, he doesn't look like a guy who's actually been boxing. | ||
| He looks like a guy who knows how to throw punches. | ||
| But there's a big difference between a guy who knows how to throw punches and a guy who knows how to throw punches anticipating that somebody punches back and the idea of an actual boxer. | ||
| There's a difference between knowing that a guy is going to stand in front of you like a Rocky movie or a guy who looks like a boxer. | ||
| And Daniel Day-Lewis is the only guy I've ever seen in a movie that actually looks like a boxer. | ||
| This is him jumping rope, but maybe there's a... | ||
| Oh, that's him actually jumping rope. | ||
| Look how good he's jumping rope. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's an animal, man. | ||
| He really is an animal. | ||
| That motherfucker, when he did that My Left Foot, he was in character for like a year. | ||
| Well, they said he was like that for There Will Be Blood, for Lincoln. | ||
| Yeah, he stays in character. | ||
| That's probably annoying as fuck. | ||
| It's gotta be. | ||
| Imagine if you do a movie like Lincoln and nobody gives a shit. | ||
| How about Offset when your, you know, lunch is ready? | ||
| Try to go to dinner with them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll have a milkshake! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Hey, Abe, sorry. | ||
| Yeah, it's gonna wear on you. | ||
| Four score and seven years ago. | ||
| Nobody gave a fuck about that movie. | ||
| More people cared about the Abraham Lincoln versus the vampire movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. | ||
| More people cared about that movie than the Daniel Day-Lewis Abraham Lincoln movie. | ||
| Yeah, I believe that. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| We don't give a fuck about historical movies. | ||
| I don't know, sometimes they take off, right? | ||
| I think part of it is this. | ||
| Name one. | ||
| Well, no, I think part of it is now, is that we've seen a lot. | ||
| Like, there's a point where you go, I know, even though it might be worth telling, I've seen a number of Holocaust movies, or I've seen a number of civil rights, you know, American stories. | ||
| So when those come out, you go, I kind of know the story. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I think that's where the interest, the box office goes down. | ||
| People go, well, I know this story. | ||
| You can retell it or tell it in a new way or interesting way, but people feel like... | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I've seen the story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It doesn't feel like new, but it was for a moment. | ||
| It's boring. | ||
| We don't want to hear about it. | ||
| We don't want to hear about history. | ||
| I want spaceships, and I want aliens and laser beams and explosions and vampires. | ||
| Did you see The Force Awakens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I did. | |
| What'd you think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I loved it. | |
| Haven't seen it yet. | ||
| You should before I tell you everything that happened. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ready? | |
| Go! | ||
| I do want to see it. | ||
| It's good, man. | ||
| I was obsessed with it when I was a kid. | ||
| I enjoyed the shit out of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a perfect blend of new and old. | ||
| It's a perfect homage. | ||
| It captures the essence of the original films, but with much more updated special effects, graphics, storytelling. | ||
| And acting's really good, too. | ||
| There's nothing bad about it. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Have you started watching, we were talking about Netflix, Making of a Murderer? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| Get your entire life together. | ||
| I know, I need to. | ||
| Everybody keeps fucking telling me that is the number one thing that people tweet me about, other than that I'm wrong about Bernie Sanders. | ||
| You're wrong about Bernie Sanders! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bernie Sanders! | |
| He did not say 90%. | ||
| He said he's okay with it. | ||
| It's not too much if it's over a certain amount. | ||
| I'm not done with it. | ||
| Feel the burn! | ||
| It's shit your pants. | ||
| I keep hearing that. | ||
| Apparently, I've listened to a Radiolab podcast that talked about the exact same story. | ||
| It is, right? | ||
| Yeah, I looked it up. | ||
| It came out in like 2013, but they left out all the corruption. | ||
| What's going on in the movie, yeah. | ||
| They told the state side of the story. | ||
| And the state side of the story and the woman side of the story who accused the man of rape and she thought... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The level of conspiracy involved in this is just, it's mind-blowing. | ||
| Yeah, the Radiolab thing didn't cover that at all. | ||
| That's what really kind of sucks. | ||
| They couldn't have, though. | ||
| Radiolab only had an hour, two hours to do it. | ||
| These guys do ten episodes. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| A little over an hour each. | ||
| See, that's where something like Netflix fucking shines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you can't do that anywhere else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They won't let you. | ||
| No, like my new special is six hours. | ||
| Wow, that's amazing. | ||
| Are you naked in all of it? | ||
| In most of it, beginning and the end. | ||
| Is there a lot of asshole shots? | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| What I try to do, I do the diaper change style, and then I do the face down. | ||
| I do both. | ||
| I had a guy come up to me at the fucking improv the other day, asked me to do comedy at a nudist camp. | ||
| He's like, it's amazing. | ||
| Everyone who performs, they perform naked. | ||
| I go, oh yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| And he goes, are you interested in doing it? | ||
| I go, nope. | ||
| See ya. | ||
| He goes, come on, man. | ||
| I go, hey, dude, you're not going to see my cock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You want to. | ||
| This is your elaborate method. | ||
| The guy was clearly gay, by the way. | ||
| He was going for that cock. | ||
| Who was the guy that was dying to see you or was at a gym or something? | ||
| Did you have a guy somewhere that was eyeballing you or something like that? | ||
| Was it working out? | ||
| Every day, bro. | ||
| But I mean, you know. | ||
| I did work out at a gay gym for a while when I was on news radio. | ||
| I worked out at Gold's Gym on Cole. | ||
| Wasn't it the same guy waiting all the time? | ||
| Oh, that was in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu, okay. | ||
| Yeah, that was this guy. | ||
| Well, we had to kick that guy out. | ||
| Did he just hang back all the time? | ||
| He would wait for me to get dressed, but he waited for everybody to get dressed, and he would harass guys. | ||
| He would say a bunch of creepy sexual shit to people when they were changing. | ||
| And he also would go and do jiu-jitsu and purposely get his ass kicked. | ||
| So you're manhandling him? | ||
| Yeah, he wanted to. | ||
| You'd barely fight back. | ||
| I remember he rolled with this one guy, and the guy tapped him really quick, and the guy realized he wasn't fighting back, and he looked at him, and the guy tried to keep going. | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
| We're not doing this. | ||
| We're not doing this. | ||
| First of all, you just came all over yourself. | ||
| Well, he said to my friend Brett, he said, uh, sometimes I just come here to get my ass kicked. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| What? | ||
| This is not the place, Brett. | ||
| And this is, Brett was one of the guys who got him kicked out of there because he would just say creepy sexual shit to him. | ||
| Yeah, that's creepy. | ||
| He would say weird shit to guys, you know? | ||
| Like, one time, uh, I would wear a jockstrap, and then, uh, over my jockstrap, I would put a cup on, you know, and the cup goes in a jockstrap. | ||
| He goes, yeah, you wear two jockstraps? | ||
| And I just looked at him like, why are you staring at me getting changed and commenting on him? | ||
| Shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| And the way he would do it is like this longing look in his face, like just hoping that you just pull your cock out and just stuff it in his mug. | ||
| Throatzilla. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Sweet freedom. | ||
| There was none of that. | ||
| That's another thing about the evolution of porn. | ||
| Two things that have happened that have been pretty radical. | ||
| One, no one has hair pussy anymore. | ||
| Pussy hair. | ||
| Pussy hair is out the wood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| The radical crazy girl has a little landing strip. | ||
| Oh my god, she's crazy. | ||
| Do you like a little bush? | ||
| You like some bush? | ||
| It's not that I like it or dislike it. | ||
| I have no problem with not getting pubic hair in my mouth. | ||
| But what I'm thinking is, kids today, they don't know what it's like to get a pubic hair stuck in between your teeth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's part of growing up. | ||
| Yes, for us. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| That feeling, where you have it in your tongue, you can't get it out. | ||
| And even if you get it out, you think he's still in there. | ||
| You keep going... | ||
| Never get it out. | ||
| You actually don't use that move for anything else than removing pubic hairs from your mouth. | ||
| Maybe if you bite a napkin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you take a napkin and bite into it and chew it, then you go... | ||
| But why would you do that? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you eat a lot of pussy, you have to spit out hairs. | ||
| I spit out a lot of hairs in my youth. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, it just stopped. | ||
| It's like silence. | ||
| Like the fucking, the trees were all chopped down. | ||
| Like, what happened? | ||
| What happened to the forest? | ||
| Just stop being there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| They just stopped growing pussy hair. | ||
| Or when you saw girls get one of yours, and then they stop, and you're like, could you get back to it? | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| F. But some change happened, both in pornography and in people. | ||
| And it's almost like pornography became more popular because of, like, Blockbuster and VHS tapes. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Remember they have those local video stores? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You have to go through the fucking saloon doors to get to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You get to kick open it. | ||
| And when you're young, you get an adrenaline rush walking through those doors. | ||
| People don't understand. | ||
| It was like if you were visiting someone in prison and you had to go through the lockdown area. | ||
| Yeah, it really was. | ||
| I remember buying too, buying porn in those. | ||
| If you go to a porn store, it's one thing, but if you go to a regular store that has porn and you buy a porn and then you get the checkout person who's totally judging you. | ||
| You're a real fucking pig, you know that? | ||
| You'd be so nervous. | ||
| Oh, so nervous. | ||
| I remember the checkout person one time was like, do you want me to throw away the box for you? | ||
| A lot of people don't like the box. | ||
| I was like, I'll take the box. | ||
| Put it in the fucking bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| I need the box. | ||
| I collect them. | ||
| I collect the boxes. | ||
| I frame the boxes, man. | ||
| If they're going to be in order, how am I going to know they're in order if I don't have the box? | ||
| I need the box. | ||
| Yeah, the saloon door thing. | ||
| So I think people started buying them. | ||
| They started renting them, right? | ||
| They started taking them home. | ||
| Then they started going, what's all the hair? | ||
| And then something happened where the industry recognized that it looks weird when you see all this asshole hair and you've got a fucking camera three inches away from it and some dude's hairy ass and his ball back are slapping up against her hair. | ||
| They're like, look, we've got to clean this up. | ||
| We've got to clean this up. | ||
| And so somewhere along the line, I don't know what year it was, the 80s maybe? | ||
| They started all just shaving down and waxing. | ||
| I feel like the 80s still had some hair. | ||
| I think it was the shift into high def that really took the hair away. | ||
| Oh, you might be right. | ||
| Well, it's also people got bored with the regular products. | ||
| Like we were talking about earlier, like, why are they still making porn? | ||
| Well, obviously... | ||
| There came a point in time where they had a shift from just two people meeting. | ||
| Pizza guy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on in. | |
| I don't have any money, but I can pay you in another... | ||
| Something happened along the way where porn itself changed. | ||
| They got tired of those scenarios, and then it became rough porn, and gagging, and mascara running, and snot. | ||
| Those are really crazy still. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I saw this one where this girl, they laid her down on a bed, and her head hung off the edge of the bed, and guys just took turns just mouth-fucking her. | ||
| Just balls into her nose. | ||
| Just, and slobber, and she was like puking up saliva, coughing and spitting, and then she would And they would just right back in there and the next guy would do it and these guys were these giant cocked black guys with these big meaty asses and they'd just pound her fucking mouth. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| It was just whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| But who's asking for that? | ||
| Someone's clearly asking for that. | ||
| How do you think they just had figured out, you know, we gotta present this in a different way? | ||
| I think it's probably the people that do the porn. | ||
| Like, we were talking about Max Hardcore being so fucking crazy. | ||
| I think they just get so bored with sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're like, no, I'm opening your asshole, I'm gonna throw my keys in there. | ||
| Like, there's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| People have, like, we're gonna play jacks, I'm gonna throw the jacks in your asshole. | ||
| Something happened to people. | ||
| There's a progression to that. | ||
| It went from missionary to lay on your back, you know, get a doggy, and then it's like, you know, tongue my balls from underneath. | ||
| Let's go ass to mouth. | ||
| Someone was the first worst, and you go, I got an idea. | ||
| And then ass to mouth was born. | ||
| Is that safe to do? | ||
| Now it's a genre. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| ATM. It's a genre, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
MILFs. | |
| There's like a bunch of different genres. | ||
| GILFs. | ||
| You can find these genres. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| 60 plus milf. | ||
| But because of that, the images that people saw in pornography changed the way people take care of their pubic hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's 100% what it was. | ||
| That's the influence. | ||
| Pornography changed the way women trim their pubic hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe guys, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Guys didn't trim out their hair before. | ||
| Guys didn't trim it at all before. | ||
| Do you Manscaped down there? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Is it like your neck in the thriller thing? | ||
| Where it's like beard, beard, beard, no hair. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Hair, chest, clean cock and clean bikini line, hairy legs. | ||
| That would be so weird. | ||
| It's not as crazy down there, but yeah, I'd definitely do some maintenance, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I like having a pretty clean ball bag. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| And then, you know, hair grows on the shaft. | ||
| I trim that off, too. | ||
| How much hair grows on your shaft, dude? | ||
| Just like my beard, like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is going on with your dick? | |
| No, it's just a few. | ||
| It's a few. | ||
| Your dick is a werewolf. | ||
| But I'll shave all around it, man. | ||
| I'll trim all around that. | ||
| Do you shave your asshole? | ||
| No. | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| I had it waxed once. | ||
| I did it once and I tweeted about it. | ||
| People got mad at me. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I gotta say, I want to go back to it. | ||
| Shaving your asshole? | ||
| No, I had it waxed. | ||
| Why'd you do that? | ||
| For a radio show. | ||
| What radio show? | ||
| Bob and Tom. | ||
| They waxed your asshole? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the... | ||
| Explain further, please. | ||
| They made some comment about waxing and hair, and I said something to them, like, well, next time I'm in town, I would do that, you know, to my ass. | ||
| Because I'd heard about how it ups your wipe game so much. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| Well, they did it. | ||
| It was fine. | ||
| Like, it wasn't that crazy to do. | ||
| It wasn't? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Who did it? | ||
| They had a local people that waxed. | ||
| Male or female? | ||
| Female. | ||
| A girl saw your asshole. | ||
| She waxed it. | ||
| She got in there. | ||
| She got in there. | ||
| Did she have those Rubbermaid gloves? | ||
| She had some type of glove on, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, and then she was putting hot wax in my ass. | ||
| Imagine if she didn't. | ||
| You'd be like, um, are you professional? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's pulling off with her teeth. | |
| But here's the thing. | ||
| She uses her fingernails, chips it away like a sticker. | ||
| The memory isn't even getting waxed. | ||
| It's how great the wiping was for six weeks after that. | ||
| Six whole weeks until the stubble starts kicking in and you have unbelievable taint itch. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The taint itch was other level. | ||
| But I didn't even know what it was like to wipe a few times. | ||
| I'd be like, yeah, I'm done. | ||
| Because when you have a hairy ass, you're like smearing shit onto the top of your head. | ||
| Picture that. | ||
| That's what you're doing with your hairy ass. | ||
| And you never quite get done. | ||
| Dude, I've gone through a roll of toilet paper for a normal shit to clean my ass. | ||
| So disgusting. | ||
| So one time I decided I was shaving my ball bag and I trim first and then I get in the shower and then I use a razor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I'm razoring my ball bag. | ||
| I go, you know, let me just fucking get in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so I lifted my leg up because I'm quite flexible. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I put my leg up on the wall and just looked down there and just started shaving away. | ||
| The visual is amazing. | ||
| Hacking fucking trees out of my asshole. | ||
| First of all, I couldn't believe how long my asshole hair is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It gets long. | ||
| You get something like that. | ||
| More than a beard. | ||
| Yeah, or a crazy beard. | ||
| Maybe like a Rasputin-type beard. | ||
| But how'd you feel after? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great! | |
| First of all, my farts changed. | ||
| The sound... | ||
| I was like, I couldn't... | ||
| It's almost like before, I was like farting through the forest. | ||
| And now it's like a... | ||
| All my farts were like wet. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Because it gets muffled with that hair. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They sounded different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They literally sounded different. | ||
| And they were louder. | ||
| I couldn't sneak them. | ||
| That beautiful beef cream was coming out. | ||
| Beef cream? | ||
| What the fuck is beef? | ||
| Beef cream! | ||
| There's this guy that we found on our podcast. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| His name's Thursday Lane. | ||
| Oh, this is another guy. | ||
| This isn't the other guy, the fart master guy. | ||
| It's not King Ash Ripper. | ||
| This guy is named... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He found a new guy! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| His name is Diego, but he goes by Thursday Lane. | ||
| He has a fucking name. | ||
| He's got a rap name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he wants to be... | ||
| He wants to do fart fetish porn. | ||
| That's his dream. | ||
| So he posted all these videos about... | ||
| How much he loves farts, and that's how we got in touch with him. | ||
| And he has a description for whatever type of hair color you have, he associates it with a different type of cream or broth. | ||
| That's the smell to him. | ||
| So if you have brown hair, you have beef cream farts. | ||
| And if you have... | ||
| This is him? | ||
| This is him, yeah. | ||
| Thursday Lane marries a fart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah, this is... | ||
| I'll play this. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| You'll see. | ||
| Marries a fart? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're a guy with a cop, picture me marrying your farts, where you're like the beef, chicken, spicy cream. | |
| Can I marry y'all farts for life? | ||
| Please, please. | ||
| What is up with his hair? | ||
| It's different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ready? | |
| One, two. | ||
| I just married a fart for life. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| These are the three rings I got. | ||
| So a guy farts in his face and he gets super excited. | ||
| Yeah, he loves it. | ||
| I mean, you don't understand, so, you know, if you have, um... | ||
| He really does like it. | ||
| Oh, he loves it. | ||
| He's not kidding. | ||
| Oh, he just did a flip. | ||
| Well, he's, even the way... | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| His face is in there. | ||
| That guy's eating that guy's ass. | ||
| I wonder if the guy who's farting in his face is gay or not. | ||
| I don't think he is. | ||
| He works for that, because we talked to that company, too. | ||
| Company? | ||
| Yeah, because we talked about them on our podcast. | ||
| What kind of company are we talking about? | ||
| It's hotmovies.com or something like that. | ||
| So they heard him on our podcast, and then they contacted him and shot that interview. | ||
| But he has a description for every hair color. | ||
| So if you have white hair, you're a silver trout cream. | ||
| If you have blonde hair, you're chicken cream. | ||
| So he associates these. | ||
| It's really intense. | ||
| He has a whole list of... | ||
| And he calls your farts beautiful guppies. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with him? | ||
| He loves farts, man. | ||
| Did you ask him how this all happened? | ||
| Yeah, he likes to ramble, though, so I couldn't really keep him. | ||
| He kind of goes off on some stuff. | ||
| You're on the phone with him, not in real life. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| So I was like, alright, man, we've got to pull this in. | ||
| I even said, I feel like I've got a little beef cream today. | ||
| today? | ||
| He goes, There's all types of people out there in this wacky world. | ||
| There's so many wacky people, and if you met this guy and he was like, I love farts, nothing gets me off more. | ||
| That's what gets me when people say they're bothered by something. | ||
| Would it bother you that that's what he likes? | ||
| No, you don't give a shit. | ||
| Well, we're comedians. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that is what it is. | ||
| We're freaks. | ||
| We're not regular... | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of freaks out there that have regular jobs that don't care either, but we're freaks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, in terms of society, we're about as freaky as it gets. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| We're looking for this stuff. | ||
| I mean, you contacted this guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wanted him on your show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You got the throat master. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Throatzilla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Throatzilla? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You had her on your show. | ||
| True. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're seeking it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| And loving it, by the way. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| I wish I met somebody like that every day. | ||
| Why not, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just like a professional cycler, I gotta pee. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Well, we're done anyway. | ||
| It's 5 o'clock, man. | ||
| Yeah, we did three fucking hours. | ||
| Goddamn, Tom Segura. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| What are you doing here? | ||
| Right here? | ||
| Monitor your peeing? | ||
| You're turning that on? | ||
| I'm turning it on to go pee. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| I'm a vlogger, man. | ||
| Oh, you're vlogging? | ||
| I'm vlogging. | ||
| You know, people start saying that. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| I'm not in support of people saying it. | ||
| I don't mind reading it. | ||
| I make fun of it. | ||
| I make fun of it. | ||
| Vlogging? | ||
| Vlogging is a funny term to me. | ||
| I feel weird standing there pointing at the- you have a handle on it like it's a gun. | ||
| It's a- I've had it stick out of the jacket, by the way, and I've seen some people's eyes go like- Let me ask you this. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why that and not just a phone? | ||
| Because it seems like a phone would make it easier to upload, the video's just as good. | ||
| It's not? | ||
| This picture quality's got to be better. | ||
| Much better. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Jamie? | ||
| It's easier to edit those videos. | ||
| It's actually not so easy to get the video off your iPhone. | ||
| You gotta connect it to your thing. | ||
| You can just take that card out and plug it in your computer. | ||
| It's not like it's super hard, but it's a little bit easier to deal with those. | ||
| Okay, I see what you're saying. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I would think that just having a phone, it's easy. | ||
| I always have a phone. | ||
| You're right, but I think this picture is... | ||
| Better? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure it's better. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, that thing sticks out. | ||
| It sticks out. | ||
| The lens sticks out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| It's real shit. | ||
| Alright, I'll knock it off. | ||
| No, you don't have to knock it off. | ||
| Well, you know. | ||
| I just want to say everybody, if you're watching this, you need to watch Tom Segura on Netflix starting January 8th. | ||
| It's called Mostly Stories, and it's fucking hilarious, and I've seen most of what Mostly Stories is, and it's gut-wrenchingly hilarious, you fucks! | ||
| Before you watch F is for Family, or Narcos, or any of that shit, watch Mostly Stories, January 8th, Friday, on Netflix. | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| Thanks, Rogan. | ||
| Podcast is over. | ||
| Tom Segura on Twitter. | ||
| You can also listen to your mom's house with Tom and his lovely wife, Christina P. Congratulations on the little bambino, the little Tom Segura with his giant hog. | ||
| Grazie, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Grazie. | |
| All right, fuckers. | ||
| That's it for the week. | ||
| We'll be back next week with lots of awesome people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye-bye. |
Export Selection