Dec. 8, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:35:01
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Do I look cute? | |
| You look fantastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yes, you look great. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| Feel better? | ||
| It's all downhill from here. | ||
| Got Joe to think I'm pretty. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| Hey, what's up? | ||
| How are you? | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| I'm insecure. | ||
| I'm very insecure. | ||
| I want you to like me. | ||
| But you know I already like you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's ridiculous. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You're hard to read. | ||
| You're very hard to read. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bullshit. | |
| Shut up. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When you're sober, you're hard to read. | ||
| When I'm sober? | ||
| You want me to get high? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I'm high, I'm hard to read? | ||
| No. | ||
| When I'm sober, I'm easy to read. | ||
| Or at least you just like people more. | ||
| I like everybody. | ||
| Here's the thing about you that you don't know about with our relationship. | ||
| When I... Easy. | ||
| When I... I know you did just arch your back there for a second. | ||
| Prepare myself for impact. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When I started doing stand-up, you were like this very mythical hero at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I came into the Comedy Store when you and Carlos had your big saga. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So you had just like your exodus, your very ceremonious or unceremonious rather, exodus in the Comedy Store was happening. | ||
| So I never really met you, but you were like this deity at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know. | ||
| Do you want to weigh in on that? | ||
| I wasn't there. | ||
| You weren't there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good point. | |
| I wasn't there for that. | ||
| So I never really knew you. | ||
| Like, I feel like so many other comedians that I admire and I at least have had some FaceTime with and you I only sort of started knowing in the last year. | ||
| Yeah, well, we met Matt at the Laugh Factory. | ||
| True. | ||
| But I had seen you a bunch of times, and I liked you. | ||
| Yeah, but we had never vibed. | ||
| We never talked. | ||
| But we have since then. | ||
| That's true, but I'm just saying. | ||
| So how could you still be insecure? | ||
| Because I have nine years of you being this sort of very elusive, you know, Bigfoot. | ||
| Like, I never quite knew if you really existed. | ||
| It's weird when people have perceptions of you outside of you. | ||
| It's weird when you meet someone, you have a perception of them, and you're like, oh, I like them. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't think I did. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| Well, I think a lot of it is it becomes a Rorschach test, right? | ||
| It becomes like my projections onto you and my insecurities. | ||
| Like, if I see you and you don't give me what I need to feel secure. | ||
| I'm like, he hates, he doesn't like me. | ||
| Yeah, I had a friend tell me something about a celebrity that they met, and they were like... | ||
| Yeah, I met him and I said hi to him, but he's a fucking dick. | ||
| You know, you didn't even talk back to me. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| You just said hi to him? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| And all of a sudden he's a dick? | ||
| He doesn't owe you anything. | ||
| It's like you have this idea of what someone is and then based on a limited interaction, you create a narrative. | ||
| I know that when people, this is going to sound like a fucking person bloviating about people that recognize them, but when someone... | ||
| As long as you get to use that word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bloviating? | |
| Bloviate, it's a good word. | ||
| I've never used that in my life. | ||
| It's a good word because it does fit. | ||
| Sometimes I ramble and I want you to rein me in if I start getting boring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not boring. | |
| Or being redundant. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| And bloviating. | ||
| But when someone comes up to me at the airport and is like, hi, Whitney, I instantly, sometimes I have to say that I'm like, I just feel like I cannot give you what you need right now. | ||
| What you need from me, I can't give you. | ||
| I can take a picture with you, but I can't. | ||
| Have a conversation with you about your life. | ||
| There's no way you're going to walk away from this exchange feeling good about this. | ||
| She was this, she was this. | ||
| I get very insecure that I can't deliver what someone needs from a person they know. | ||
| I had a conversation with a guy where, and I'll never forget this because I didn't know this guy at all. | ||
| And it was after a show, you know, I say hi to people, you know, the whole thing, take pictures. | ||
| And then he goes, hey man, I'm dating this girl and she's about to have a baby. | ||
| What do you think I should do? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| I go, I don't, what am I supposed to tell you? | ||
| Have you seen the movie The Staircase? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that movie? | |
| Or The Jinx. | ||
| The Staircase. | ||
| You haven't seen The Staircase, the documentary? | ||
| Is that when he throws her down the staircase? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Two women are found at the bottom of a staircase. | ||
| Two? | ||
| It's what people think The Jinx is. | ||
| It was a Sundance Channel documentary. | ||
| It was a 12-part documentary series. | ||
| It's phenomenal. | ||
| You'll love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| 12-part? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| 12-part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two. | |
| I don't want to give away too much. | ||
| If you guys have seen it, tweet Joe what your thoughts are on it. | ||
| And let's all convince him to dedicate 12 hours of his life. | ||
| Because I am fascinated, speaking of what a shock test, I'm fascinated whether you think he's guilty or not. | ||
| Because usually it is all, whether someone thinks it's guilty or not, says more about them than it does about the case. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because again, we project around. | ||
| Goddamn though, 12 parts? | ||
| That's a lot of fucking commitment. | ||
| I know, that's what I said. | ||
| I made the mistake of only downloading one at a time. | ||
| I watched six in my first sitting. | ||
| It's that addictive. | ||
| Half hour, hour. | ||
| I promise you, I promise you, I will bet you, you have a lot more money than me, so maybe we shouldn't do this, I will bet you any amount of money that you'll watch it in two days. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| That's not gonna happen. | ||
| It made me want to quit writing, because I was like, I will never be able to write something as compelling as this true life thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's phenomenal. | ||
| The staircase. | ||
| Why wouldn't you just be inspired to write? | ||
| How would you want to quit? | ||
| The fundamental difference between me and you just reared its ugly head. | ||
| I'm a quitter and you're not. | ||
| But you're not a quitter. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| You're a hustler. | ||
| I'm a hustler. | ||
| Yes, people say that a lot. | ||
| You are. | ||
| I never know if it's an insult. | ||
| It's not an insult at all. | ||
| In my estimation, or the way I'm defining it, is you're always working. | ||
| You're always doing things. | ||
| Maybe the similarity between me and you, I grew up playing sports. | ||
| And you learn, I think a lot of comedians don't, you learn the harder you work, the better you get. | ||
| And you get that sort of mentality that, like, you know... | ||
| What sport? | ||
| I played basketball, really seriously. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| A lot of sprinting, a lot of running around. | ||
| Yeah, and just like the... | ||
| That's where you get that ass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, this ass is pretty new, actually. | ||
| I didn't have it... | ||
| See, you didn't know me six years ago when I was, like, anorexic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When did you get it? | |
| You were anorexic six years ago? | ||
| I was pretty anorexic, yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I don't want to clinically throw that term around, but I was like 100 pounds. | ||
| When I was doing the show with your buddy Chris on NBC, I was like zero. | ||
| And I had a lot of eating disorders in college, which is why I had to stop playing sports. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Eating disorders made you stop playing sports? | ||
| I had to choose. | ||
| So I was really serious basketball. | ||
| I played AAU, I played in Europe, like super psycho about it. | ||
| And then I started modeling just for money, not really fancy modeling, don't believe Wikipedia. | ||
| And I was sort of starving myself for modeling and starving yourself and playing basketball four hours a day don't go well together. | ||
| So I had to sort of give up basketball. | ||
| Wow, so you went with that over food? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Why'd you do that? | ||
| Was it more rewarding? | ||
| Well, modeling was paying my bills. | ||
| It was the way I was raised was, you know, your appearance was very valued. | ||
| My mom, I now realize as an adult, in retrospect, had an eating disorder. | ||
| And being thin was very valued in our home. | ||
| The messages I heard were my mom, who was very skinny, was, I have to lose five pounds. | ||
| I still need to lose that fat. | ||
| And one time someone would compliment her, she'd be like, no, I'm so fat right now. | ||
| We don't realize the impact that those messages have on kids. | ||
| Something we just think is a flippant comment, I need to lose five pounds. | ||
| For me, I was like, oh, she's a size zero, but she still needs to lose five pounds. | ||
| That's what women are supposed to look like and how they're supposed to... | ||
| You know, that dysmorphia was ingrained in me very young. | ||
| And there was a sort of culture of perfectionism where I grew up in my household because I was neglected quite a bit. | ||
| And it's a natural sort of reaction for kids to have perfectionism as a result of that. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because you think that, you know, children can't understand that their parents have flaws because it would be, you know, just... | ||
| Too traumatic to their psyche. | ||
| So we think parents are perfect. | ||
| If I'm not getting attention, that must be something's wrong with me. | ||
| So I need to work harder, be prettier, thinner, more successful, achieve more, you know, which I think is where a lot of my achievements are. | ||
| And you did it to try to get your parents to pay attention to you? | ||
| I think as a kid, that's when it started, is if I'm just perfect, I'll get this attention from these people who weren't capable of giving it to me. | ||
| And then it sort of started manifesting in other ways as an adult. | ||
| I think I had a very similar thing. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I was definitely neglected as a child but I think that I sought it out from other people, not necessarily from my parents. | ||
| Well, that's what I, you know, and similarly, which is I think why I had, and I'm in Al-Anon, so I'm in recovery for this, but people-pleasing. | ||
| What's Al-Anon? | ||
| Al-Anon is like, if you had any kind of alcoholism in your home growing up, which is not necessarily like, I did have an alcoholic parent, and I have a drug addict sibling, but alcoholism, You know, for alcoholism to be present, alcohol doesn't necessarily need to be present, so it can still be signified by compulsive behavior, workaholism, a codependent relationship, an addictive relationship among your parents, gambling, sex, food, all that sort of stuff. | ||
| Anything that's addictive. | ||
| Anything that's addictive. | ||
| What does Al-Anon stand for? | ||
| Al-Anon is, um, that's actually a really good question. | ||
| I do ACA, which is Adult Child of Alcoholics. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Al-Anon is more for, like, if you're married to an alcoholic, if you have a kid who's an alcoholic, like, because addiction is a family disease, and it affects everybody. | ||
| So, I am... | ||
| How convenient. | ||
| I know, isn't it? | ||
| Addicts are such a fucking pain in the ass in that regard. | ||
| It's a very sort of pernicious disease because sometimes... | ||
| Another good word. | ||
| Pernicious is a good one. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| Because it's, um... | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're live! | |
| I gotta pull out all the stops! | ||
| We can't fix this in post! | ||
| Is that sometimes alcoholism affects the people not drinking the most. | ||
| So I wasn't drinking growing up, but because of how insidious alcoholism is, I was acting like an alcoholic. | ||
| I just wasn't drinking. | ||
| So I was like arrogant and developed an ego of like, I'm the angel in the house. | ||
| Everyone else is an asshole. | ||
| I'm awesome. | ||
| But I was still manipulating, lying, managing, controlling, you know, and codependents. | ||
| Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol. | ||
| Codependents are addicted to alcoholics. | ||
| So as a result, I'm dating alcoholics. | ||
| I'm dating guys who are illiterate, people who need to get rescued, saved. | ||
| You dated guys who were illiterate? | ||
| I dated one guy who... | ||
| You couldn't read? | ||
| Couldn't really spell. | ||
| What kind of text messages do you guys have? | ||
| Lots of auto-correcting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, are you a basketball later? | ||
| What? | ||
| So, yes, I did go through that. | ||
| I dated a lot of alcoholics, needy people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Troubled people. | ||
| Yeah, I have a friend who would always date girls that were really really fucked up. | ||
| Brian Callen. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| How'd you know? | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| How'd you know? | ||
| Me and Brian. | ||
| Hashtag Fiona Apple. | ||
| Well, that's the best one he ever dated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| But I did the same thing. | ||
| He calls them vampires. | ||
| Oh, he had some bad ones. | ||
| But so it's recreating your childhood circumstances. | ||
| So I was the caretaker as a child. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I would put my mom to bed. | ||
| I would cook dinner. | ||
| I was always the one fixing things and trying to stop fights because I was, you know, my mom basically told me I was like a mistake. | ||
| I was born, you know, no one planned me. | ||
| Your mom told you that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah, it wasn't our shining moment as a family. | ||
| When I don't send money, I get reminded. | ||
| Oh, gee, you send money to your mom? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, that gets dark. | ||
| Very. | ||
| Well, as Chris Rock said in the hallway at the Comedy Store one night, I think you were actually probably there. | ||
| He said, when you give money to people, it's only a matter of time before they start hating you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Because then they start resenting you for supporting them and sort of robbing them of their own dignity. | ||
| And then if you have any kind of boundaries, they're all of a sudden like, oh, well, just because you give me money, you think you can talk to me that way? | ||
| And it's like, well, no, I'm just like, have self-respect. | ||
| It seems to me that the people that need money always need money. | ||
| Like, when you give them money, it's not really helping them. | ||
| Band-aid. | ||
| It's enabling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I mean, there's some people that just need money. | ||
| I mean, I've had friends that just need money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Some went wrong. | ||
| Transmission broke. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You know, that's one thing. | ||
| But it's the people that always need money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can't fix that hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| That hole is just, they come back to you, oh, it turns out we were late with the payment and now there's interest and this and that. | ||
| And so do you think that, okay, and then there's, we just had an issue with blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And like, oh, fucking Christ, this doesn't end, does it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so, and it's interesting, and I've had to work really hard on the parameters of when I can give money, when I can't. | ||
| My system now is basically to only pay bills directly. | ||
| Because that way I know... | ||
| Damn, you do this all the time? | ||
| So this is an all the time thing? | ||
| I am a cash borer, Joe. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I'm being hemorrhaged. | ||
| Hemorrhaging money through my family, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, because I didn't grow up in an environment, no one had health insurance, no one went to the doctor. | ||
| So now, you know, both my parents had strokes. | ||
| Nursing facilities are great. | ||
| No insurance, like the whole deal. | ||
| So it's been... | ||
| But it's, you know... | ||
| You talked about me working hard. | ||
| I worked hard initially because I needed, you know, I didn't have choice. | ||
| I didn't have money. | ||
| And now I still have to work hard to sort of pay for all these other things, which I think maybe in some ways keeping me, you know, motivated because I'm never going to get ahead. | ||
| I'm never going to be solvent. | ||
| You're very aware, though. | ||
| You might be kind of frantic and all over the place and motivated. | ||
| Do you think of me as frantic? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, but in a good way. | ||
| How so? | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| You've got like a lot of... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's fear. | ||
| It's an armor. | ||
| I'm an armadillo. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's not like a negative thing, but it's like, wow, that girl is getting shit done. | ||
| It's intense. | ||
| When I say frantic, maybe that's not the word. | ||
| Maybe the word is... | ||
| Pretty? | ||
| Kinetic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Stunning? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what you're going for? | |
| Fabulous is a lot of good ones. | ||
| Right, crevacious, right. | ||
| But, you know, you're not stagnant. | ||
| You know, you're constantly in motion. | ||
| Well, that is a, yes, I define... | ||
| You texted me, sorry to interrupt you, but you texted me, like, here's a perfect example, though. | ||
| Doing a documentary on head trauma. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER Like, what? | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| I mean, I know she's touring. | ||
| You're in the middle of doing an HBO special. | ||
| You've always got some shit going on. | ||
| You've always got these projects. | ||
| Then you're like, I'm directing a documentary on head trauma. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| It was violence, right? | ||
| It was on violence. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| You wanted to talk about violence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, whoa, this fucking chick is crazy. | |
| Yes, I mean, it is a literal disease. | ||
| I do have workaholism, which means you define yourself through productivity. | ||
| And that's how my self-esteem is derived, essentially, through what I'm able to make. | ||
| You're so aware of all this. | ||
| Yeah, I'm in pretty hardcore recovery for it. | ||
| So, you know, I am in Al-Anon. | ||
| I do EMDR. I'm in trauma therapy. | ||
| Are you addicted to therapy? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I wish. | ||
| I wish that I could actually find a healthy addiction. | ||
| I found a lucrative addiction. | ||
| Work is somewhat of a lucrative addiction. | ||
| I'm definitely addicted to waking up and being conscious and self-aware. | ||
| That's something that appeals to me. | ||
| And I wasn't in my 20s, but again, like we were just talking about someone earlier, being a mess isn't cute in your 30s and 40s. | ||
| Being asleep and unconscious and just being a disaster is just not cute anymore. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about lazy people in their 20s that I find adorable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But when I see a lazy guy... | ||
| Second you turn 30, it's not cute. | ||
| How about 40? | ||
| How about a 46-year-old lazy guy? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You're like, you didn't do that yet? | ||
| Nah, I gotta get to it. | ||
| What? | ||
| And also, as a girl, I mean, guys have the stigma too, but as a girl, you can be crazy in your 20s, you can't be crazy in your 30s. | ||
| It's not sexy. | ||
| That's not true at all. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you can be crazy. | ||
| Is it attractive to you? | ||
| Yeah, as long as you don't show up at someone's house and break windows. | ||
| Yeah, those days are over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those days are really fast. | |
| It's like, what kind of crazy? | ||
| My tits aren't big enough to behave like that and get away with it, unfortunately. | ||
| That doesn't really help. | ||
| What you can get away with, you can either get away with or you can't. | ||
| Tits, they're never the tipping point. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I just feel like, as a woman, you're already, anything you do, people want to call you crazy. | ||
| And even if you just talk sanely at a little too high of a decimal level, and people are so quick to call us crazy anyway that I don't want to actually be crazy. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Because guys don't ever have to worry about that. | ||
| They don't have to worry about the idea that you're too ambitious or that you're too forceful. | ||
| Guys don't like it. | ||
| No, but for a man. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| A guy being forceful. | ||
| He's decisive. | ||
| He's an alpha. | ||
| He's got his shit together. | ||
| It's a turn-on. | ||
| And then for a girl to be like that is like, she's crazy. | ||
| Mega bitch. | ||
| PMS. Psycho. | ||
| She's a psycho. | ||
| She's stalking me. | ||
| It's like, no, I just... | ||
| I like you. | ||
| Yeah, or like, I need to make plans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I have to schedule my flight. | ||
| Are we hanging out or not? | ||
| She's stalking me. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| Am I stalking you? | ||
| Well, don't you think that that's a power move, though, that people do that to try to, like, make you feel insecure? | ||
| Saying something like you're stalking them or saying, you know, like... | ||
| When people act like that now, I don't overthink it as much now. | ||
| To me, it just more signifies unintelligence. | ||
| In a fight with me, if we're together and you say crazy, psycho, or bitch, I just lose respect for you. | ||
| Because I'm like, I know you have a bigger vocabulary than that. | ||
| And if you're leaning on these sort of pop terms and these vague terms that get us nowhere, I'm just going to lose respect for you. | ||
| Well, those words, like, unless someone really is crazy, and if they are crazy, well, stop hanging out with them. | ||
| It's like calling someone stupid. | ||
| It's not productive. | ||
| It's not helpful. | ||
| Sometimes stupid is very productive. | ||
| It is actually, you know, some good words. | ||
| Idiot is pretty good if you don't overuse it. | ||
| I like dum-dum. | ||
| Dummy. | ||
| I love dummy. | ||
| I love dummy. | ||
| You fucking dum-dum. | ||
| You dummy. | ||
| Because it's so belittling. | ||
| I'm not even going to call you stupid. | ||
| It's so ruthless. | ||
| I'm going to call you dumb. | ||
| It's ruthless. | ||
| Silly goose is pretty good. | ||
| Silly goose is like, you can kind of get away with it. | ||
| You're such a silly goose. | ||
| Yeah, you can't really, like, get mad at someone for calling you a silly goose. | ||
| You know what the worst insults? | ||
| Like, if you want to hurt the person you're with, what do you say? | ||
| If you want to hurt them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What do you say? | ||
| I know that the most hurt I've been is when a guy said to me in a fight, not bitch, are we allowed to curse? | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I think we already have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know these days. | |
| Bitch, cunt. | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| Who's ever told you you can't swear to him? | ||
| I'm always getting sued. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's an instinctive... | ||
| I have PTSD. Microphones and saying cunt is just... | ||
| I'm sweating. | ||
| I'm already sweating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a big fan. | |
| Big fan of the word. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| None of those words hurt me. | ||
| They actually just make me lose respect for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Not you personally, Joe. | ||
| But you're pointing at me. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| It's the first time you pointed. | ||
| What I'm pissed is this. | ||
| It's these. | ||
| They're like clamshells. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I grab. | |
| I grab the air. | ||
| Looks like you're grabbing flies out of the air. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| I am. | ||
| Like fly trap. | ||
| I mean, our relationship was going to be over anyway, but we were arguing about something. | ||
| And he goes, you know what, Whitney? | ||
| You're a lot. | ||
| A lot? | ||
| You're a lot. | ||
| That bothers you? | ||
| You know what it was? | ||
| Number one, you don't even respect me enough to be specific with your insults. | ||
| You're going to be vague. | ||
| And it just meant like all of you is too much. | ||
| Like you're just too many opinions, too many things to say. | ||
| You're too loud. | ||
| It was just like be less of what you are. | ||
| And that weirdly hurt me more than anything else. | ||
| That's so strange. | ||
| You're a lot. | ||
| If somebody ever said that to me, I'd be like, yeah, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a lot. | |
| But it tapped into an insecurity that I already have that I'm too much for men. | ||
| That I have too many ideas, too many opinions. | ||
| I'm too alpha. | ||
| Oh, we're getting deep here. | ||
| Too much for men. | ||
| Guys are not super on board with girls having opinions and appointments and that sort of thing, I've noticed. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like opinions and appointments? | ||
| Do you realize for the last year I've hid my car from guys that I've dated? | ||
| Why have you hid your car? | ||
| What kind of car you got? | ||
| Well, I have a Tesla now, but I had a G-Wagon. | ||
| And I used to park it at the guy's house I was dating. | ||
| They'd be like, can I walk you to your car? | ||
| I'd be like, I Ubered. | ||
| I would Uber, like, two blocks back to my G-Wagon. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Because it would, like, weird them out and emasculate them. | ||
| Because you have a nice car? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Why are you dating broke dudes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know! | |
| I know, I need to work on that. | ||
| Seth MacFarlane, hit me up! | ||
| Hey! | ||
| I don't know, because I was like, I don't... | ||
| I would never, like, not date a guy because he didn't have money. | ||
| I don't see my... | ||
| You know, I don't think of that. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But I guess I did gravitate towards guys... | ||
| Or guys gravitated towards me who... | ||
| We're intimidated by sort of my alpha. | ||
| They're gravitating towards you, though. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| There are those guys that get taken care of by women, and it's very strange. | ||
| Call me. | ||
| Call me. | ||
| You don't want this guy. | ||
| But there's this guy that I know, he's an actor, and he's gone from one older wealthy woman to another older wealthy woman. | ||
| Divorced wealthy woman to another divorced wealthy woman. | ||
| Two is a habit. | ||
| Two is you're looking for it, but I find... | ||
| Well, that's what he does. | ||
| He gets these girls to pay his bills because he's trying to act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's trying to be an actor. | |
| Oh, bummer. | ||
| That's so not sexy, though. | ||
| Oh, it's pathetic. | ||
| I've done both. | ||
| He's got a ponytail. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Sold. | ||
| I will pay for that to get cut off. | ||
| He wears knee-high suede boots sometimes. | ||
| I want to kill him. | ||
| You can't do that when you're broke. | ||
| You can do that when you're a rich black man. | ||
| You can't do that when you're a broke white guy. | ||
| You can't even do that if you're white, if you're rich. | ||
| You can do that if you're Pharrell. | ||
| Can Richard Branson wear a knee-high suede? | ||
| No. | ||
| If he's completely naked. | ||
| Moccasins? | ||
| Neither. | ||
| The guy with the stitching on the bottom around the edges? | ||
| Would you be attracted to a girl who had more money than you? | ||
| Who earned it? | ||
| Who didn't get it bequeathed to her? | ||
| I have a theory that guys like girls who inherit money, but they don't like girls who earn their own money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| More money than you. | ||
| I don't think that would bother me. | ||
| Well, I don't have a money problem. | ||
| But because money represents resources, and on a primal, primordial level, it means she's the alpha. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I'm not worried about money. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Well, that's because you have it. | ||
| Yeah, I've got plenty. | ||
| So it's not like, oh, she could do something that I can't do. | ||
| When you have enough money, this is the way I've always said, everything becomes free. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, like, do you want to buy a car? | ||
| We'll go get a car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like things become free. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when things become free, then money stops being an issue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| When money is really an issue is when you don't have it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When you don't have it, someone else has it. | ||
| It's like, fuck, I wish I had it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How do I get it? | ||
| I'll give you some. | ||
| Oh, she's going to give me some. | ||
| She's going to give me some. | ||
| What about that money you're going to give me? | ||
| Are you still going to give me that money? | ||
| It becomes so symbolic. | ||
| Is that money still coming my way? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| That's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| It gets this weird fucking... | ||
| You get this weird relationship. | ||
| And it starts to represent more than just paying for a cup of coffee. | ||
| It's, am I a man? | ||
| Am I a woman? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| But I do feel like I have become... | ||
| This is going to sound so sexist. | ||
| I feel like me making... | ||
| Or being... | ||
| Whatever this thing that has happened where I'm able to pay my bills. | ||
| I'm doing... | ||
| I'm miming a weird thing. | ||
| Some sort of a funnel. | ||
| This funnel. | ||
| And what move is this? | ||
| I don't know, at least it's going away. | ||
| It's not going into you. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Guys, it has changed guys' relationship to me. | ||
| I've noticed that ever since I started making money, guys sexually want to dominate me, choke me, spit on me. | ||
| Spit on you? | ||
| Oh, I've gotten spit on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That didn't happen in my 20s when I was broke, Joe. | ||
| When I was 20s and my brain broke, guys wanted to coddle me and eye contact and grab your face. | ||
| Now that I have money, I'm getting choked, I'm getting spanked. | ||
| So there's a weird aggression. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta tell me what this is. | |
| I had a guy put his four fingers in my mouth and just leave him there for like two minutes. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Wash your hands first. | ||
| That's not how people get sick? | ||
| I have a seven-year-old. | ||
| She's sick because she touches things and then touches her mouth. | ||
| I'm like, see? | ||
| That's how you get sick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I mean, I just learned so much about you. | ||
| You could never be single, by the way, today. | ||
| You better just make this marriage work forever. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because the hands and the mouth, it's very unsanitary out there, Joe. | ||
| Oh, hands. | ||
| Well, I'm not worried about myself. | ||
| So he stuck his hand in my mouth. | ||
| I was worried about you. | ||
| I've spent every night at the comedy store for 10 years. | ||
| My immune system is on point. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I shake about a thousand hands a night after a theater show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I tell you? | |
| And I think that sharing a microphone with 300 road comics every night does a number on your immune system. | ||
| I never get sick. | ||
| I never get sick. | ||
| Shaking all those hands does it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I really believe that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sharing a microphone with Jay London, you're good for a while. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| He's like Pigpen. | ||
| Everyone's Googling Jay London and no results found. | ||
| He's on Last Comic Standing. | ||
| Oh, that's right! | ||
| So he stuck his hand in my mouth and I was like, this did not happen in my 20s. | ||
| And I'm thinking, am I... Are we gagging me? | ||
| I've lost the plot at this point. | ||
| Did you ask him about it? | ||
| Well, I'm sitting there and I'm just waiting for something to happen. | ||
| You're like, I'm going to talk about this on a podcast. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| I'm not going to talk about it to this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Live! | |
| And so I'm sitting there and I'm like... | ||
| And then for a minute I was like, maybe he lost his balance and he just had to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe he just had to commit to it because it'd be too weird to be like, sorry. | |
| And then I was like, maybe he was worried I was going to speak because I am a loquacious one. | ||
| Maybe he just wanted to stop me from talking. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| But this did not happen in my 20s when I was broke. | ||
| Got spit on in the face? | ||
| Spit in the face. | ||
| In the face? | ||
| Spit in the face. | ||
| Wow, that's dark. | ||
| Was it a broke guy that spit in your face? | ||
| No, actually. | ||
| Was he wealthy? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Maybe more wealthy than you. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Here's the thing about this nebulous wealth that I have. | ||
| Everyone thinks I have way more than I have, and it's been in the press that I have all this money, so I think guys that do have more money than me think I have more money than them, which I sort of... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I see. | ||
| So maybe it was he thought I had more than I had. | ||
| So he wanted to spit on you? | ||
| Yeah, he wanted to go, just so you know, bitch with the Tesla, I'm the boss. | ||
| You think you're so cute with your TV shows, I'm about to fucking treat you like a tie hooker. | ||
| There are people that like that, though. | ||
| That's where it gets weird. | ||
| And if you date someone who likes weird shit, and then you go to someone else, and you're like, I know what girls like. | ||
| I've had that recently, where I was in a relationship that was relatively sexually perverse, and then dated someone who was very not, and I was way overshot the mark. | ||
| It's like, what was that? | ||
| I mean, I'm just, fuck it. | ||
| I'm going to be single forever after this podcast. | ||
| I did have a guy one time, because here's what you do now. | ||
| I need more coffee. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| When you... | ||
| This is too graphic. | ||
| No. | ||
| I feel like I'm covering a lot of the stuff that Neil deGrasse Tyson covered on this podcast. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Let's talk about the moon landing. | ||
| You have to gag on dicks now? | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| If you don't, you will be... | ||
| Exercised? | ||
| Yes, you will be... | ||
| Your head will be pushed down. | ||
| Yeah, guys, push your head down, and you're like, oh shit, okay, this is happening. | ||
| I'm like, I have a fucking... | ||
| I have a Tesla two blocks away. | ||
| Why are you jamming my head on... | ||
| And then, so I just thought that's how you did it, and then I dated this guy, and I did that, and he goes, oh no, no, no. | ||
| Oh my God, I stopped you? | ||
| So embarrassing, so embarrassing. | ||
| He's like, don't do that. | ||
| He goes, I'm actually not turned on by girls hurting themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, oh God, I was so embarrassed. | |
| I was so embarrassed. | ||
| And I was like, okay, I'm off the grid. | ||
| I've been off the grid. | ||
| Now I'm back. | ||
| And I just don't know what's normal anymore. | ||
| Like, I don't even know. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| It's fascinating to be a woman who's got a lot of money, who's got a lot of power. | ||
| Perceived. | ||
| But in that... | ||
| Well, you... | ||
| You got plenty, all right? | ||
| We don't have to go over numbers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not helpless. | |
| I'm not a damsel in distress. | ||
| I don't need to be rescued, which a lot of guys want to rescue girls, I think. | ||
| If you make more than $34,000, you are in the 1% of the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Did you know that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you're in the 1% of America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| So that's it. | ||
| You got a lot of money. | ||
| So most men are dating girls that are like... | ||
| Waitresses or bartenders or... | ||
| All the costumes you dress up to play roleplay, by the way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Waitresses and bartending? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is when I really realized, like, oh my gosh, guys love us to be in, like, subservient positions. | ||
| What, because you roleplay? | ||
| Well, no, I'm just saying it's very telling that the only sexy costumes available are, like, waitress, candy striper, secretary. | ||
| Cop. | ||
| Oh, that's a good point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nurse. | |
| There's cop. | ||
| Nurse. | ||
| Nurse is not subservient. | ||
| They're kind of taking care of you. | ||
| It's not doctor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Ooh, true. | ||
| There's no doctor. | ||
| There's no CEO. There's no MMA fighter. | ||
| But there is the fantasy of the boss who calls you into the office and makes you eat her pussy. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of that in those porn movies. | |
| That's encouraging. | ||
| Yeah, but it's always like the guy has to dominate the boss. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, yeah, it's always she's like, where's that paper? | ||
| And he's like, there's paper dick in your mouth. | ||
| It's always like that. | ||
| It's never like she's like, you're fired, and then he just leaves and jerks off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know. | ||
| That's a weird dynamic though. | ||
| Now that you're making me think about it, I never dated a girl who made a lot of money. | ||
| Never dated a girl who made more money than me. | ||
| That's for sure. | ||
| I'm thinking about it. | ||
| Never. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Maybe when I was really broke. | ||
| I think that recently divorced guys are into it. | ||
| Oh, right, because they don't have to pay. | ||
| Because, yeah, they just had to pay, give half of their shit away. | ||
| So I feel like they're a little more receptive to it. | ||
| So I literally was saying to friends of mine, like, hey, set me up with your recently divorced friends. | ||
| They'll be into it. | ||
| But don't you think that there's a broad dynamic, right? | ||
| There's a lot of different kinds of people out there. | ||
| You just have to find someone who's into a strong woman, but not like a beta man. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Yeah, I want someone who's more alpha than me. | ||
| You don't want, like, a male feminist who's, like, catering to you, who's, like, a beta, who wants to take care of the kids, who doesn't want to work, who wants to stay home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
An equal. | |
| An equal, right. | ||
| Someone that I... I lose respect for people very quickly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And so I need some... | ||
| Because you're competitive. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| You're a predator. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Not a predator in a bad way, but you have predatory instincts. | ||
| You see weaknesses pretty quickly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And once I see it, I can't unsee it. | ||
| That's why that guy freaked you out when he said, you're a lot. | ||
| Because I'd tell you you're a lot, but I'd say it's a good thing. | ||
| Like, you're a lot. | ||
| He hit on my insecurity of I'm not feminine enough. | ||
| Like, I just want, like, in a relationship, I don't want to be the alpha. | ||
| I want to be, like, the subservient, obsequious Asian girl, quite frankly. | ||
| I don't want to have to be the boss in my relationship. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| This is turning into some weird sort of dating advice show. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Will you stop letting me talk? | |
| I want you to talk. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| I'm talking about sucking dicks? | ||
| This is a disaster. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| People are excited about this right now. | ||
| There's dudes with their pants off all around the world. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Hit me up. | ||
| I'll pay your bills. | ||
| But you don't want to pay their bills. | ||
| It'll get ugly. | ||
| It'll get ugly. | ||
| I won't pay the ostensible bill. | ||
| You'll pay the valet. | ||
| I'll pay for the house and the vacations. | ||
| You cover the valet. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| That sounds like a good deal. | ||
| Because I don't want anyone to think I'm paying. | ||
| Because I did date a guy that did not have money and I would wire him money. | ||
| and so that he would pay him when we basically so that when we went out to dinner he'd pay so that people didn't think i was paying yeah that was a mistake i'm not gonna do that again that was like a week ago Hashtag Tony Hensler. | ||
| That's so bizarre. | ||
| Well, I would imagine that it's probably very hard. | ||
| I mean, you're saying it's very hard, but I would imagine it'd be very hard. | ||
| It's hard anyway. | ||
| You know, again, it's, you know, I'm not like, I need to get married tomorrow and da-da-da-da-da-da. | ||
| You know, so I'm not, um, but it's all, you know, it's a comedian. | ||
| The good news about being a comedian is you're like, I get to use it all, I get to alchemize this and Sublimate this pain into jokes. | ||
| So I just try to use it. | ||
| Well, you've been doing that a lot on stage. | ||
| You're talking about this kind of stuff on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yes, I did in my last special. | ||
| I was like, huh. | ||
| I have not done stand-up since I shot my special. | ||
| I tried to take, like, I try to take like three months off after every special because I feel like, number one, I don't like doing old material because I feel like I have, like I just feel like gross. | ||
| And then number two, I feel like I start doing a bad impression of myself if I do it, if I don't take a break and rewire my brain and kind of reboot. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Stan Hub likes to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah? | |
| Yeah, Stan Hub takes big chunks of time off. | ||
| He's detoxing probably. | ||
| He's got AIDS right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's in Africa. | |
| He just told me he has AIDS. She told me. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was like, it's the fucking Charlie Sheenum comedy. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He doesn't have sex. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very Gandhi of him. | ||
| No, very drunk of him. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| He just killed his dick with booze. | ||
| Is that something that can bounce back? | ||
| You're concerned. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| He's on my hit list. | ||
| He's literally my type. | ||
| He's the perfect guy for me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have to talk to him. | ||
| Drinking problem. | ||
| Needs money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can't fuck. | |
| He doesn't need money. | ||
| He makes a lot of money. | ||
| Yeah, I guess that's true. | ||
| Yeah, he's pretty wealthy. | ||
| He doesn't have a big overhead. | ||
| Doesn't he live in New Mexico or something? | ||
| Arizona. | ||
| Bisbee, Arizona. | ||
| He owns like a shack. | ||
| He's got the most bizarre house. | ||
| Pull an image of Doug Stanhope's house because he puts it up online. | ||
| Not only does he put it up online, he tells you where he lives. | ||
| He's like, he knows no one's going to rob him. | ||
| No, they do. | ||
| They could rob him. | ||
| There's nothing there. | ||
| Go rob him. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Steal one of his wacky suits that he gets from a thrift store? | ||
| He doesn't save anything. | ||
| Steal his pop-off vodka? | ||
| He's got like a laptop. | ||
| He'll steal that. | ||
| He'll go get another one. | ||
| He's got some comedy joke books. | ||
| When he was at the comedy store, he had that like plastic gallon of Popov vodka. | ||
| Yeah, there's his house. | ||
| This is a party that he puts on. | ||
| I fucking love him because he's the real deal. | ||
| He's like a real American original. | ||
| He has a house in Bisbee, Arizona. | ||
| He gives out the address online and people come to his house for a Super Bowl party. | ||
| Regular party. | ||
| Anybody. | ||
| Anybody. | ||
| They drive. | ||
| People have flown in from other countries and driven to Bisbee, Arizona to come to Doug Stanhope's house, and they come into his living room and hang out with him. | ||
| He's got a girlfriend, Bingo, who's legitimately out of her fucking mind crazy, like medicated, sees things that aren't there. | ||
| Is it she, like, suicidal? | ||
| I heard them on Stern, I think. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't know if she's suicidal. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| I wish I had a relationship like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| He still has a relationship and I don't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All of these. | ||
| Non-sex relationship, I guess. | ||
| So it's just not sexual because he can't fuck or because they've... | ||
| He just doesn't have any desire to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| I just, you know, I think if you just drink all the time and don't take care of your body, it's just like, that's a wrap! | ||
| Yep, it's a wrap. | ||
| Well, I think most of you go into survival mode, I'm sure his body's just trying to keep him alive. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We don't have time to fuck right now. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or like his body's like, we shouldn't procreate. | |
| Let's just stop this. | ||
| It could be that. | ||
| It's cigarettes, too. | ||
| Cigarettes definitely kill your sex drive. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| He's my age. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's 48. But you look like, you're like Benjamin Button. | |
| You're like aging backwards. | ||
| Well, I work out a lot. | ||
| He doesn't. | ||
| But he makes fun of me. | ||
| He's like, how many surgeries have you had? | ||
| I'm like, I've had a bunch. | ||
| Surgeries? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Things breaking. | |
| Oh, you're like on your joints and all that kind of stuff. | ||
| Things ripping. | ||
| Are you worried about your body from fighting and stuff? | ||
| Martial arts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
| I used to be worried. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But everybody dies. | ||
| Everybody dies. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I worry about some things when things aren't going so well. | ||
| What happens when you don't work out? | ||
| I might have to get this fixed. | ||
| Your shoulder? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying like when things go wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I start going, uh-oh. | ||
| This one might not be good. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why is this clicking? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I've got to get an MRI. I might break things. | ||
| But I've had so many things fixed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you think that surgery is now improved? | ||
| Because I heard that the RG3 surgery is on his knee. | ||
| Not that he- RG3? Wasn't that the quarterback for the Redskins? | ||
| Who's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
RG3? Joe doesn't know football, but- I literally don't even know the rules. | |
| God, I love that. | ||
| Sexy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the only thing sexier than a guy knowing everything is a guy knowing nothing. | ||
| I just learned. | ||
| I don't know anything. | ||
| I had a friend of mine invite me over to a Super Bowl party, and thank God I had a fucking excuse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he's like, come on, go over and watch the football. | |
| It wasn't a Super Bowl party. | ||
| I guess Super Bowl wasn't happening until February. | ||
| It was a football party, a Monday night football party. | ||
| Well, the only reason I know is because the guy that owns it was explaining to me that the knee surgeries made his knees better than they were before the injury. | ||
| My knees are definitely better than they were before my surgery. | ||
| The surgeries can now improve your... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I've had ACL reconstruction on both my knees. | ||
| And the way they do it now... | ||
| Well, I have one they did the older way, which is a patella tendon graft, where they take a big slice out of your patella tendon, and then they open you up like a fish, and then they drill it into the knee, the tibia and the fibula. | ||
| And that one's definitely stronger than a regular ACL. And then my other one I had replaced with a cadaver ACL, which is even stronger because they use an Achilles tendon, which is much larger. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And that one is much less invasive, too. | ||
| The recovery time is incredibly quick. | ||
| I went to a party five days afterwards. | ||
| No cane, no nothing. | ||
| Yeah, it was crazy. | ||
| Just walk around. | ||
| Pimp limp. | ||
| Just walked around. | ||
| I didn't even have a limp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I mean, I didn't have full flexation. | ||
| Like, I couldn't bend it all the way. | ||
| But, you know, I get enough where I look normal. | ||
| Like, I broke my shoulder and I should have gotten surgery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Surgery would have, like, dramatic, like, the way he would have done it would have made it better. | ||
| I just didn't want to get surgery. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Uh, two years. | ||
| I just had, four months ago, I had stem cell shots in my shoulder. | ||
| Yeah, the ones, where'd you go? | ||
| Vegas. | ||
| I was going to get shoulder surgery, because I had a labrum tear and a rotator cuff tear, and there's some, apparently I've dislocated my shoulder before in jujitsu. | ||
| You just didn't know it? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| But that's jujitsu, it's fucking so brutal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you're, you know, engaging in a sport for 20 years, And the whole purpose of the sport is trying to break bodies. | ||
| Things go wrong. | ||
| And I guess my shoulder got dislocated and popped back in place and I didn't know. | ||
| So there's some broken shit in there. | ||
| And then I heard it again from practicing archery and from lifting too much weights. | ||
| I just literally pulled some of the tendon off the bone. | ||
| Literally pulled it off myself. | ||
| I didn't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| It wasn't like someone yanked on it or I fell. | ||
| I just kept pulling. | ||
| My shoulder would get sore. | ||
| I'm like, shut up, pussy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| See, I have that inner monologue of if it hurts, you're doing something right. | ||
| That's how I grew up. | ||
| You know, if you're in pain, things should hurt. | ||
| That's an athletic thing, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never say uncle. | ||
| But you can get, if your shoulder's still fucked up, you get these stem cell shots now. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I'm sorry, I got the plasma where they spin out the white blood cells. | ||
| Is it that one? | ||
| No, that's platelet-rich plasma. | ||
| Yeah, PTP. Yeah, PRP. PRP. Yeah, and that's really good. | ||
| That helps healing, reduces inflammation. | ||
| And there's a more advanced version of that, which is called Regenikine. | ||
| Which I had a series of those done on my shoulder, which helped a lot, but it was more of a temporary fix. | ||
| It would help. | ||
| It would reduce the inflammation. | ||
| It would help the pain, but then slowly but surely, because I kept working out, the pain would, you know, sort of reemerge. | ||
| But the stem cell shots were a fucking complete game changer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And people always ask, how much does it cost? | ||
| It cost $2,500, which is a lot of money, I know. | ||
| The fucking result. | ||
| One shot. | ||
| I mean, my shoulder's fantastic now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's your body. | |
| I worked out today. | ||
| No problems. | ||
| No pain. | ||
| I mean, I did chin-ups. | ||
| I did rows. | ||
| I did all these different things. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| No pain. | ||
| I was like that close to surgery. | ||
| I was like, I just can't keep doing this. | ||
| It used to make all these clicks. | ||
| It makes way less clicks now. | ||
| I used to have to wear that shirt, the shirt that has velcro on the back that pulls your shoulders down. | ||
| It's like I'd have to wear it like 30 minutes. | ||
| Who's that basketball player that wears it? | ||
| Jamie would know. | ||
| Yeah, the tall black guy. | ||
| Does that narrow it down? | ||
| It's a shirt that, it's probably a compression shirt, but it has velcro on the top and the bottom and they adjust it so that it changes the way that you walk and stuff. | ||
| Right, I get it, yeah. | ||
| Well, there's just amazing new innovations in science and medicine, like what they're able to do. | ||
| There's this guy, I think his name's Peter Welling, the guy who invented Regenikine, who's in Germany, Dusseldorf, Germany. | ||
| All the fucking Germans, always. | ||
| Well, they don't have the same restrictions that we had for the longest time. | ||
| For developing it. | ||
| Yeah, well, the fucking, the entire Bush administration fucked science and medicine in this country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where they couldn't do stem cell research. | ||
| And then they finally figured out how to do autolis, stem cell, autolis? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Google that. | ||
| Autologous? | ||
| Autologous? | ||
| Through your fat. | ||
| They take stem cell through your own fat or through your bone marrow. | ||
| They drill a hole in your hip. | ||
| They suck marrow out, make stem cells out of that. | ||
| But they don't even have to do that anymore. | ||
| Now they use placenta from a woman who has a cesarean section. | ||
| They take that placenta, make stem cells out of that, and that's what I got. | ||
| I put that on my face. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You put it on your face. | ||
| Placenta and colostrum. | ||
| Oh, colostrum. | ||
| And spit, apparently. | ||
| A lot of weird fluids on my face. | ||
| Well this guy, this doctor, they are literally months away from releasing this new procedure that they have that reinvigorates collagen in your skin. | ||
| Like changes your body's production of collagen. | ||
| They have some sort of an injection and through that injection your body reproduces collagen like it did when you were 20. Wow! | ||
| Yeah, people's face is just gonna go, like wrinkles are just gonna go away. | ||
| They're like, this is a fucking complete total game changer. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| When is that coming out? | ||
| Well, they're setting up the infrastructure right now just to deal with the amount of patience, the overwhelming amount of patience they're gonna get as soon as this happens. | ||
| It's gonna be like a trillion dollar business once it launches. | ||
| Let me ask you a question. | ||
| Would you, as a man, do it? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Good. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I'm glad to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I don't think I'd get my fucking face palm back if I wouldn't get my nose fixed. | |
| I don't think I would get my lips done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have a good nose. | |
| Why would you get your nose fixed? | ||
| I had my nose fixed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But the inside of it. | ||
| Oh, got it. | ||
| Like the cartilage and all this shit. | ||
| But it actually made my nose wider in some way because they shoved these wedges in there. | ||
| I think it's proportional to your face. | ||
| You don't want a smaller nose. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| No, I don't want a smaller nose. | ||
| Have you broken it a ton of times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Tons. | ||
| I don't even know how many times. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Do you even go to get it fixed? | ||
| Or you're just like, it's broken? | ||
| Once I did. | ||
| But I didn't get it fixed until I was 39 or something like that, 38, 39? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Maybe when I got it done, but it was amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, God, it was the greatest thing. | ||
| I broke it for the first time when I was five. | ||
| I fell down a flight of stairs when I was five. | ||
| You were neglected. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I fell down a flight of stairs, smashed my nose, and it's been crooked ever since, but the inside of it was all fucked up. | ||
| And then from a lifetime of martial arts, kickboxing, it's just been hit so many times. | ||
| It was always bleeding. | ||
| There was always something in there. | ||
| So when your nose bleeds... | ||
| You've seen cauliflower ear. | ||
| Cauliflower ear is from the break in the ear. | ||
| When the tissue breaks away, it fills up with blood, and that blood calcifies. | ||
| That also happens in your nose. | ||
| So the inside of my nose was filled with hard, calcified blood that had just been smashed so many times that I couldn't breathe. | ||
| I had no breathing out of my nose. | ||
| This one, my left nostril was like... | ||
| No. | ||
| And then the right nostril was just locked down. | ||
| And that probably is not good for an athlete. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially for kickboxing because I always had my mouth open. | ||
| Yeah, and you have the brace or the mouth garden. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So it's hard to breathe. | ||
| And if you open your mouth and you get hit with your jaw open, you get fucked up. | ||
| So it was never good. | ||
| But I didn't get it fixed for the longest time. | ||
| But once I did get it fixed, it was amazing. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're like, is this how everybody just lives all the time? | ||
| They shoved these big fucking things up my nose, these big foam tubes and stretched it out and he cut it. | ||
| There's things called turbinates in there. | ||
| They trim the turbinates, so they literally change the shape of the inside of my nose and shove these things up. | ||
| And my nose is a little wider. | ||
| I used to have, I get really bad migraines, and when we were trying to figure out what it was, like playing whack-a-mole with how to eliminate certain variables, they did cortisone in my sinuses, and that made me breathe so much better. | ||
| Cortisone? | ||
| Cortisone in my sinuses. | ||
| So you had some sort of inflammation? | ||
| A lot of us have sinus inflammation that we just don't know about. | ||
| And I was much less nasal, and I sounded less like Fran Drescher, which... | ||
| Some people like that, though. | ||
| They like that sound. | ||
| For like five minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Love that. | ||
| No surgery, whatever. | ||
| No surgery. | ||
| But if your shoulder still fucks with you, you should really think about going... | ||
| It does. | ||
| Well, women have... | ||
| We hold a lot of our emotion here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| And in our shoulders and necks and purses. | ||
| So my surgeon was like, you cannot carry a 30-pound purse with all your shit in it. | ||
| You know what you need? | ||
| What? | ||
| A fanny pant. | ||
| Fanny pant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll have them. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I get a Joe Rogan menu bag, please? | |
| We need a new shipment? | ||
| Contact them. | ||
| Get a shipment in here, quickly. | ||
| Yeah, because women, we carry... | ||
| I was carrying a purse on my broken shoulder, and it really fucked me up. | ||
| Why wouldn't you carry it on your other shoulder? | ||
| Because, I mean, it's just like, even when this was... | ||
| I did six months of physical therapy on this right one, which is, as I'm sure you've gone through, is so fucking boring. | ||
| You just sit there and have to rock it back and forth. | ||
| Did you go to a place to do it? | ||
| Yeah, Colonelo. | ||
| Yeah, I did it once, and then I went home and I got these rubber bands. | ||
| I'm like, these exercises? | ||
| I'm like, I'm just doing it at home. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| And then I had to, because of, you know more about this than anyone, if I heard this thing, it affects the left, and then it affects my hips, because it's all connected. | ||
| So I started sort of having to do my whole body, and that's when I got an S. Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| That happens to a lot of people, not getting an ass, but you hurt your knee, and then because of your knee, you'll get a left hip problem. | ||
| Yes, because it's all rubber band, right? | ||
| And I am hypermobile. | ||
| Hypermobile. | ||
| Hypermobile, which means I lift and run and everything with my bones and not my muscles. | ||
| So I had to relearn how to like- What the fuck? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I've never even heard of this. | ||
| It's a very, like, Western European inbred bullshit sort of thing. | ||
| I also have, um, uh, Osgood Schlatter's in my knees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does that mean? | |
| Which means you get, like, a bone spurt. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And your bones grow too fast, so I have, like, this... | ||
| Oh, holo. | ||
| What is that thing? | ||
| It's a tumor. | ||
| It's like a ball of nerves. | ||
| It's an alien. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just was like, probably GMOs plus like a... | ||
| GMOs. | ||
| I would imagine, plus like, you know, a Western European mutt alcoholism gene. | ||
| And so the bones get like, does it hurt? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or just sticks out? | |
| I had like a, just grew too fast. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You know, that happened to my mastiff. | ||
| Huge with dogs, especially purebred dogs. | ||
| Yeah, my Mastiff, he was getting some limping issues, and it was when he was a puppy, and they were saying that he has too much protein in his food. | ||
| You have to buy him large dog food. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| Like, large breed? | ||
| Because I was feeding him raw eggs, really healthy stuff, and his body was growing too fast. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was getting, like, he would have, like, a limp. | ||
| And I thought, uh-oh, he might have hurt himself. | ||
| So I brought him in. | ||
| Because I've had dogs that had ACL surgery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pits? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they have notorious. | ||
| I have a pit and a Great Dane puppy, who I'm going through the same thing with. | ||
| He's just growing himself. | ||
| I had this female pit that had both her rear legs done. | ||
| She had one rear leg, like, all of a sudden she had this weird limp. | ||
| Like, she was walking around with one foot off the ground. | ||
| So I brought her in. | ||
| They had to fix that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They do it by changing the angle of the bone. | ||
| They cut the bone so the bone, instead of it falling backwards, they cut it at an angle so that it doesn't do that. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird how they do it. | ||
| They don't do it like a person where they replace the ligament. | ||
| They change the shape of the bone. | ||
| Can I just say something random? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I'm so glad. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure we'll look back in 20 years and there'll be so much new technology and we're like, I can't believe we lived in a day where we didn't have the stem cell injectors at our home or whatever. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, like, my dad got sick with my animals getting sick. | ||
| I'm like, thank God we don't live in the fucking 20s when they were guessing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| They were just guessing. | ||
| Like, they worked out all the kinks. | ||
| They were telling you should smoke cigarettes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Did you ever see that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio where he played the aviator? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| Howard Hughes. | ||
| Howard Hughes' parents were telling him, listen to the doctor, you need to smoke cigarettes because it would make you more vigorous. | ||
| They used to tell kids that. | ||
| Well, that's like saying, I mean, is milk as good for you as it's supposed to be? | ||
| It's definitely not good for you. | ||
| Someone's explaining that because of the amount of, it actually strips your bones of vitamin D in some way. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not an expert, but we might look back one day and be like, milk isn't as good for you as we thought. | ||
| Here's the deal with milk. | ||
| This is a big part of what's wrong with milk. | ||
| Homogenization and pasteurization. | ||
| So when you're drinking milk, you're drinking milk with no enzymes in it because it's all boiled down so you can keep it on a shelf for a year. | ||
| Yeah, even overcooking vegetables, you're not really getting the... | ||
| Some vegetables. | ||
| Ordering a salad at a restaurant could be the most unhealthy thing because it has so much fertilizers and chemicals and stuff on it. | ||
| Well, it can have E. Coli. | ||
| That's a big one because water that's run off from the fields, from pastures where cows are shitting, that can be a real issue. | ||
| And women get over 50% of their calories from salad dressing? | ||
| What? | ||
| I've read that somewhere. | ||
| 50% of your calories. | ||
| What are you drinking, ranch? | ||
| From salads. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Like that women always eat salads and they think they're eating so healthy and they're just eating like salad dressing. | ||
| Croutons. | ||
| Yes, and just like the garbage. | ||
| Trans fats. | ||
| And that almost sometimes the worst thing you can get at the grocery store is just an apple because of all the shit in it and chemicals on it and the dyes and whatever. | ||
| You know what I like on salad? | ||
| I like oil, olive oil, and vinegar. | ||
| But good luck trying to find that shit at a restaurant. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
| You can just get oil and vinegar, no? | ||
| Most restaurants, they're allowed to give you balsamic or this or that or creamy this. | ||
| Be that guy that shows up with a dressing in a flask. | ||
| That guy's not good. | ||
| That guy is not good. | ||
| My vagina will dry up. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if a guy shows up with his own wine? | |
| Drink it in the car alone like a man. | ||
| Okay, drink it out of a flask like an adult. | ||
| How would you feel if you went to a date with a guy and you went to a fancy restaurant and he pulled out, he had a bag with him, like a velvet bag. | ||
| For a satchel? | ||
| He pulled out his own wine. | ||
| A rose? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, it would have to be a red. | ||
| A Sutter home? | ||
| Jacob's Creek? | ||
| If you're going to bring your own wine and it's like a white wine, you should really go die. | ||
| I have a good one. | ||
| I went out with a guy who's an actor. | ||
| I like how you said that. | ||
| That's how you should always say it. | ||
| Oh, you want to be an actor. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| There's none of those. | ||
| You'll flood the market. | ||
| He was more of an actress, actually. | ||
| He had long hair, and he sort of conned me into going out to dinner with him. | ||
| Is this the guy that was dating my friends, the older ladies? | ||
| The same guy? | ||
| With those knee-high moccasins? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Might have been the same dude. | ||
| I don't know who that guy is, but possibly. | ||
| Might have been the same guy. | ||
| This guy actually works quite a bit. | ||
| And we went out, and comfortably a foot and a half shorter than me, or at least feels like it. | ||
| And he was wearing his hair down. | ||
| When the food came, he put his hair up... | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| And then when they took the plate away, he took it back down. | ||
| Oh, he's got to die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I literally was like, I can't, I don't... | |
| What do I do? | ||
| Is that why we should own guns as Americans? | ||
| I was like, I now feel like we all need a handgun. | ||
| I need a handgun. | ||
| And he did when he was talking about a trip to Italy or something. | ||
| And when he taught, he'd be like, you know, and then the police said to me, which means take a left there. | ||
| So he would talk in Italian and then translate it for me. | ||
| It was such a bummer. | ||
| So he's trying to let you know that he's bilingual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't like it when guys hurt themselves. | ||
| You don't need to gag for me. | ||
| It's not a turn on. | ||
| Oops. | ||
| My mouth is numb. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| I've had a lot of really... | ||
| Because I am just sort of single-y. | ||
| And I also went on a date with a guy who, at the end of the date, put his hand up and said... | ||
| High-fived you? | ||
| All right, dude. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a rough one. | ||
| It was rough. | ||
| I thought I had been shot. | ||
| I felt like I had been shot. | ||
| All right, dude. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was actually like a, what's this? | ||
| What's this thing? | ||
| It's like a spring back. | ||
| You lean all the way back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he's like going for a very hard high five. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| He's going to give you a lot of impact. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you going to hit me? | |
| I wasn't sure. | ||
| He's going to throw a ball and you're going to go fetch it. | ||
| And then that's when I get... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| I was like, that's when I realized like, oh, I am now gender neutral. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| Guys don't see me as a girl. | ||
| I think what you've nailed it already is that there's a lot of guys that are intimidated by the fact that you're successful and ambitious. | ||
| And I think that's a legit concern. | ||
| I was listening to this TED Talk, TED Radio Hour, rather. | ||
| Yeah, I listened to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's where I heard about the salad dressing. | |
| There was one of the recent ones, I forget what the name of the title was, but a disruptive leadership? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So the woman was talking about the word bossy, and about how women are told to not be bossy, like if a man does it, he's assertive, but if a woman does it, he's bossy. | ||
| It was the first time that I ever heard that, that I thought, ooh, maybe there's something to that. | ||
| No one's ever going to say, Joe Rogan's bossy. | ||
| No one wants to be called bossy. | ||
| No, you're going to say he's assertive and strong. | ||
| But if they did say I was bossy, I'd be like, okay, well maybe I'm doing something wrong. | ||
| A lot of times people get carried away or get caught up in the momentum of their own behavior and don't even realize how they're acting. | ||
| Someone has to tell you, hey, you're being bossy, and you're like, oh. | ||
| But they don't say that about guys. | ||
| They can say to the guy, he's a dick, or he's overbearing, or whatever, but a woman becomes bossy. | ||
| But then she was going on about, we should encourage men to not work, and take the role of child-rearing, and let the women work, and I was like, okay, this bitch is crazy. | ||
| It's too general. | ||
| It's like this whole men and women, it's like you can't... | ||
| It was personal, I think. | ||
| I think it was her own trip that she was trying to make it more normal for men to do that, to be the one who takes care of the children, and we should encourage this. | ||
| I don't think you should encourage it one way or the other. | ||
| I think there's going to be a bunch of people that like that. | ||
| I know a guy who's a mom. | ||
| His wife works all the time. | ||
| She's like a high-powered executive. | ||
| But she's fucking miserable. | ||
| She works all the time, and the husband's always like, let's go on vacation! | ||
| And she makes a ton of money, and he doesn't make jack shit. | ||
| He's a very bright guy, too. | ||
| He's a professor. | ||
| But he teaches one class, rides his bike everywhere. | ||
| He's a fucking total hippie. | ||
| And she's fucking grinding, grinding every day. | ||
| And they make tons of money, but it's not on him. | ||
| It's a weird dynamic. | ||
| Whenever we're all together, I'm like, wow, this fucking relationship is so odd. | ||
| I mean, it's interesting. | ||
| I was talking to this neuroanthropologist. | ||
| Holo! | ||
| Holo! | ||
| You would like him, actually. | ||
| So this project that I'm doing has a lot of, like, sort of experts in it. | ||
| Which project is this? | ||
| It's a pilot for HBO, where I have, instead of, like, a... | ||
| You know, a friend who's like the exposition friend who's like, you know what you should do? | ||
| You should get a makeover. | ||
| I instead have, you know, people, TED Talk people and, you know, Malcolm Gladwell and Michael Moran or anthropologists and neurologists come in and sort of explain what's happening because I think a lot of us sort of are pretending or are Misinformed thinking that we have choices in all of the decisions we make when so much of it is our primal reptilian brain just running the show and human nature taking over. | ||
| Like, feminism! | ||
| Of course I'm pro-feminism, but human nature and evolution of neurology doesn't catch up as fast as social progress does. | ||
| So a lot of this is against some level of human nature. | ||
| So I was asking him if he thought humans were inherently a matriarchy or a patriarchy. | ||
| and what animals are a patriarchy and what are a matriarchy. | ||
| So lions are pretty much matriarchal in terms of they sort of do all the work and the male lions sleep 22 hours a day and just wake up. | ||
| Sort of, but the male lions are much larger and the male lions protect the pride. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The real matriarchal society is hyenas. | ||
| Hyenas, yeah. | ||
| And bonobo apes, also. | ||
| Do you know hyenas, the females, have fake dicks? | ||
| No! | ||
| Yes, they have a faux penis. | ||
| They have an actual penis, and they give birth out of it. | ||
| It's an enormous penis, and they mount the males. | ||
| They're the only mammals where the females are larger than the males. | ||
| And it's because life as a hyena is so ruthless that male hyenas will regularly eat the babies. | ||
| So to keep them from eating the babies, the women are the gangsters. | ||
| They're bigger and stronger, and they dominate the men and fuck them. | ||
| They fuck them with their giant fake dicks. | ||
| That's the happiest I've ever seen you, by the way, explaining that. | ||
| I just saw glee sparkling inside. | ||
| I have a fucking real problem with wildlife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking love it. | |
| I love it, but it's also what does patriarchal mean and what does matriarchal mean? | ||
| Does it mean physically bigger? | ||
| Does it mean the female lion's doing the hunting? | ||
| The male lion is pretty much the boss. | ||
| They call the shots and are bigger, but they have to sleep most of the time to To preserve their energy and it's not economical for them to be up and running around. | ||
| Bonobo apes, the women sort of call the shots in terms of who kills who and who's in charge and they're sort of like have the resources and stuff and because they're a gynocracy Is that what it's called? | ||
| They use their vaginas to, you know, like if someone's pissed off, they fuck them. | ||
| Yes, a gyneocracy. | ||
| So they use sex to sort of placate and to get what they want. | ||
| They're hookers. | ||
| Yes, essentially. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And so is that, you know, in humans, we would say that's a weakness and that's, you know, you're being... | ||
| Oh, not true at all. | ||
| That's fucking standard. | ||
| You're using what you have to make. | ||
| So we were talking about that and he sort of was making a strong argument that humans could have inherent matriarchal traits that we, you know, Oppress. | ||
| That we oppress? | ||
| Yeah, just in terms of like, you know, if, you know, what does power mean? | ||
| And, you know, men are sort of designed to do the hunting and the killing and the protecting, and we're sort of designed to do all the organizing and all of the, like, bullshit work, but we're not sort of allowed to do that a lot in this society. | ||
| Organizing? | ||
| Or, like, family organizing? | ||
| Tribal organizing, raising the kids, making decisions about... | ||
| We're not allowed to? | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| I think that we're criticized a lot when we do what we do best at. | ||
| We're called crazy and neurotic and obsessive and she's obsessed with getting married and nesting in the house and she wants to change the carpet. | ||
| It's like that's what we're wired very well to do. | ||
| Well, I think the reason why men will criticize that is because they don't understand those instincts. | ||
| Like, my wife takes care of everything. | ||
| She's the one who's responsible for all the... | ||
| If you go to my house, you'd be like, oh, this isn't even your fucking house. | ||
| This is some chick's house. | ||
| I have a few rooms in my house that are mine, clearly, but most of the house is my wife's design and all her shit. | ||
| I just let her, but I mock it because I don't understand it. | ||
| I'll make fun of it, but it's... | ||
| And I think what I should mention is I think that women are shamed for that more than men shaming women. | ||
| I think that there's this thing now where if you're, like, great at organizing the house and cooking and cleaning, like, you're not a feminist. | ||
| It's like, well... | ||
| I hate that word. | ||
| I don't like the word feminist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so loaded. | |
| It's so loaded. | ||
| And it's not that I don't like equality. | ||
| I just don't like... | ||
| There's so many hashtag feminists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so many people that... | ||
| There's people that I'm obsessed with. | ||
| I go to their Twitter page because every fucking post they make is about gender. | ||
| It's like most of their identity is based on feminism. | ||
| There's a giant chunk of what they do, and they think they're being activists, but you're not. | ||
| And a lot of feminists, or a lot of feminism doesn't mean being equal. | ||
| It means women should be superior. | ||
| It's like, wait a second, I thought the goal was that we were supposed to be superior, which means that we should equally be judged and criticized and all these other things. | ||
| It can't be like, I'm going to speak out, but you're not allowed to attack me or question anything I say. | ||
| If you do, you're a misogynist. | ||
| If you question anything I say, it's like, no... | ||
| So I think that is a very tricky place. | ||
| And I'm working on this thing that's sort of about how our primal neurology, like what annoys you about your wife today, not you particularly, Joe, or what annoys you about your boyfriend today is what kept you alive 2,000 years ago. | ||
| So essentially all the things that annoy your girl going through your cell phone today. | ||
| 2,000 years ago was her surveying land for tigers and threats. | ||
| You know, today it just manifests in going through your cell phone. | ||
| Looking for threats to the... | ||
| Yeah, we have streetlights now. | ||
| We have alarm systems. | ||
| You don't need to be looking for paw prints because there was a tiger around. | ||
| You need to be checking the cell phone and going through his computer and his emails. | ||
| That's the same impulse. | ||
| We're not just going to evolve overnight to catch up with cell phones and streetlights. | ||
| Well, there's just so many classic stereotypes when it comes to gender roles. | ||
| And one of my favorites is the feminist that's always concerned with rape and they constantly have all these rape tweets and rape awareness. | ||
| And then you look at them and they're morbidly obese and they have pink hair. | ||
| And you're like, well, what's going on here? | ||
| Why is your entire existence, so much of your thoughts, whatever you're projecting online, so much of it is about gender. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they mock men. | ||
| Like there's all this MRA mocking. | ||
| Like someone called me an MRA and I literally had to Google it because I didn't know what it meant. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Men's rights advocate. | ||
| So feminists who mock men who want rights, which is hilarious. | ||
| Oh, that's a bummer. | ||
| It is a bummer, but it's loaded. | ||
| It's also loaded. | ||
| And it's so loaded, and it's the few radical ones give everyone a bad name. | ||
| It's like, does every football player beat up his girlfriend? | ||
| No, Ray Rice did, so now it's in the zeitgeist. | ||
| Well, I had this woman, Christina Summers, on my podcast a couple of weeks ago, and she calls herself the factual feminist. | ||
| And she's an older woman who grew up as a feminist in a time where she believes that it had a different meaning and it was a true search for equality. | ||
| But now she thinks that it's been sort of hijacked with fake facts and biased statistics and a bunch of studies that aren't really based on reality. | ||
| And she confronts them. | ||
| And she's like, this is bad for feminism. | ||
| When you go around saying that women make 75 cents on the dollar, this is bad for feminism because what you're not talking about is, well, what are the jobs they choose? | ||
| And this is the difference between the jobs they choose. | ||
| They're not as dangerous. | ||
| When they do the same jobs, the difference in pay is very similar. | ||
| So these are disingenuous comparisons, and these statistics are biased. | ||
| Agreed, and I think that, you know, I talked to, Maureen Dowd wrote this article two weekends ago in the New York Times about less women in Hollywood and less women directors and all that kind of stuff. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| And I think that my sort of point, and she's a friend of mine and we're working on something together, but I think my point when people ask me about, like, what do you think about less women directors in Hollywood, I'm like, no one's talking about all the offers we get that we pass on. | ||
| So, no women in late night. | ||
| You think that they wouldn't make a show with Amy Poehler right now as the host of a late night show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They don't cover the women that pass. | ||
| Amy Schumer was offered the Daily Show and she passed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No one talks about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So it's like, I've been offered direct movies and I'm directing a movie next year, but I've said no because it's just not something that I really want to do. | ||
| Why are there less female comedians? | ||
| It's like, I mean, now I feel like there's not as much, but it's like, because the lifestyle is fucking stressful. | ||
| It's the same reason we might not have our own football league, because we don't want to play a sport where we have to put a helmet on. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| You know, so... | ||
| I think it's a harder gig for a woman. | ||
| Stand up? | ||
| Yeah, I think there's... | ||
| Name one female comedian who's married with kids. | ||
| I can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| There was a... | ||
| Bonnie McFarlane. | ||
| Oh yeah, there you go. | ||
| That's right, but she's married to a comedian and she gets to open for him on the road. | ||
| Right, and they pass the baby back and forth like a football. | ||
| Totally! | ||
| And comedians suck at football, so that kid probably hits the ground quite a bit. | ||
| Well, she's a child now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's not a baby anymore. | |
| But they get to do it together. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And they have a great relationship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They're funny together. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And she's very talented as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But it's a good point. | ||
| It's a very good point. | ||
| And I have, like, I mean, I even struggle to find female comedians who have, like, good relationships. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| Or have a kind of stable relationship. | ||
| So it's not. | ||
| Well, I think it's the same thing that you were talking about. | ||
| It's hard to find a guy who can deal with a woman that's got a strong personality. | ||
| You want a lot of guys, they just want a woman to be cute. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| No fucking way. | ||
| I don't let them come see me perform. | ||
| You don't let them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Nope. | ||
| It's like my dirty little secret. | ||
| It's like I'm cheating. | ||
| I literally will be cheating on the guy I'm with with stand-up. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to run to Starbucks, and then I'll go do a set at the comedy store and come home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How bizarre. | ||
| I will not let the guy I'm dating see it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should probably talk about all this offstage. | ||
| I think there's workarounds. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You need to establish parameters. | ||
| Yeah, maybe it's just the wrong guys. | ||
| Yeah, it's 100%. | ||
| But I think that... | ||
| Yeah, you're dating bimbos. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Who else said that to me? | ||
| It might have been Callan, actually. | ||
| I do date the... | ||
| Himbo. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You're dating himbos. | ||
| I'm like a chauvinist. | ||
| I was dating professional athletes and male models. | ||
| Well, that's why I used the word frantic, but energetic. | ||
| You've got too much... | ||
| Fear. | ||
| And a lot of men, they're not going to match that. | ||
| You know, and sometimes when you see, like, when people, like, if they hate, like, if they hate on someone, like, there's a lot of people that hate on, like, Kevin Hart or someone like that. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Is he getting a backlash? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Oh my God, that guy's got plenty of hate. | ||
| Well, he's so ambitious. | ||
| He's ambitious. | ||
| He's so ambitious and he makes you feel lazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I'm ambitious and I see Kevin Hart, I'm like, I might be lazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I might be lazy in comparison to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it's really what successful people do, right, is they just sort of illuminate our insecurities about ourselves. | ||
| They hold a mirror up to what we don't have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a lot of people, they don't do well with that, and instead they start attacking that mirror. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I heard a quote a long time ago that stuck with me, which is that comparison is the worst form of violence against yourself. | ||
| And it's one that I know you're probably not a big quote, like inspirational quote person, but that's one that I stick to whenever I get stuck in the heat. | ||
| She's got this and I don't and she did this and I didn't and I'm falling behind and all that sort of. | ||
| That's a good way to look at it because instead you should look at it like fuel. | ||
| That uncomfortable feeling that you get when you see someone kicking ass. | ||
| You're supposed to go kick some ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Use it. | |
| Go home and write. | ||
| Use it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Go work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go to the gym. | |
| Do something. | ||
| Because they have the same 24 hours we do, presumably. | ||
| And that's how you get better. | ||
| You don't get better because you're the shit. | ||
| And you're better than everybody. | ||
| Like, why would I even try? | ||
| Those days are gone. | ||
| That doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| There's not this one genius that comes down from the mountain with all the great ideas. | ||
| No, you have to be surrounded by other people that also have amazing ideas. | ||
| Yes, to elevate you. | ||
| And you inspire each other. | ||
| I mean, it's tricky because I feel like when I hear the word ambitious, maybe it's to your point about the word bossy and the disruptive leadership thing, I feel like when we say a woman is ambitious, there's this weird stink on that word. | ||
| It makes me recoil a tiny bit because it makes... | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| It's kind of a dirty word. | ||
| When people say I'm ambitious, I get uncomfortable. | ||
| But I think for me, I noticed recently, I'm just turned 33, I don't need to be famous. | ||
| That's not something that I need or I've realized that I want. | ||
| I think that in the beginning, I was like, oh, I was not seen and heard as a child. | ||
| All I want to do is be seen and heard. | ||
| And then in the last three years, I've done some work on myself and woken up. | ||
| I'm not like Like, just flying through space unconsciously the way I used to. | ||
| That's made things very clear for me in terms of when I wake up in the morning what my goals are. | ||
| And how I just want to be good. | ||
| I don't want to be famous. | ||
| And that makes my life a lot more sort of chill. | ||
| And I also think that if I had a relationship with kids, I wouldn't work this hard. | ||
| It's just I don't have kids. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When you say you want to be good, what do you define that by? | ||
| Good with your stand-up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty much every good stand-up that I know, and I think you're very funny, by the way. | ||
| Every person like you, anyone that's good, that's pretty much the most important thing. | ||
| I do a lot of different shit, but if anybody ever said, all right, Joe, you have to pick one, only one thing. | ||
| It wouldn't even be... | ||
| There's not even a thing. | ||
| There's no thought. | ||
| I could always enjoy conversations with people without putting them in a podcast. | ||
| I could always enjoy watching the UFC without being a commentator. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What would you do for free? | ||
| For an occupation? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What would you do? | |
| I still do it for free. | ||
| I do stand-up for free all the time. | ||
| I don't think I've ever gotten paid to do stand-up, actually, up to this day. | ||
| Honestly, I've never picked up one of my $15 tracks from the Comedy Store. | ||
| I don't pick them up. | ||
| Tommy picked them up. | ||
| Yeah, Tommy probably ate them. | ||
| That fucking creep. | ||
| But I think that, you know, for the first time, and I'm curious when you know you're good, because no comedian comes off stage and is like, Crust it! | ||
| The ones that do suck. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And so I know that my last two specials, I cringe even thinking about them. | ||
| It's like looking at a photo of yourself in the 80s with what you were wearing. | ||
| You're just like, ugh, God. | ||
| This last one is the first time. | ||
| I wasn't like, this is great. | ||
| It's the first time I was like, okay. | ||
| That was... | ||
| Well, it's so hard because you're so close to it. | ||
| You're there with it all the time. | ||
| So none of those jokes are surprising to you. | ||
| None of those jokes sneak up on you. | ||
| And that's what comedy is all about. | ||
| Comedy is all about, like, you have an idea, you start with a premise, and then you say something in that premise. | ||
| Like, say if you start talking about a clock, and you start doing a bit about a clock. | ||
| You're doing a bit about a clock. | ||
| I'm like, okay, we're talking about clocks. | ||
| And then you surprise me with some shit. | ||
| I'm like, ah! | ||
| That's half of what comedy is and that's not available to you because you're saying it. | ||
| It's a magic trick and we know the trick. | ||
| You know the trick. | ||
| So it's so hard to like and also you're so close to it because you're chipping away at it and the only way to be good is to be like constantly introspective and constantly objective and constantly analytical and it's fucking brutal. | ||
| It beats you down. | ||
| I just know that if, I know that this last one I taped, on tape night, I still kind of giggled at some of the, I still cared, I still gave a shit about what I was talking about, I wasn't phoning it in, I wasn't wrote just saying something I had said 600 times, I still felt this sense of like, I'm saying something I care about, which to me is all I can ask for. | ||
| That's the key, right? | ||
| To be in the moment while you're talking about the subject. | ||
| Because you write it, you film it a year later. | ||
| If a year later it's still relevant to you or matters, it's like, okay, that I've succeeded. | ||
| This is my thought about stand-up, and tell me if you agree. | ||
| I think that when you're on, like everything's going great, the audience is laughing really loud, you know, it's like everyone's tuned in. | ||
| I feel like it's a form of hypnosis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You feel the same way? | ||
| It's interesting, and I'm actually not bringing this up because of your occupation, but I think stand-up is very much a sport for me. | ||
| I agree that it's hypnosis, yes. | ||
| To me, the only things I compare it to are sex and boxing, because you can't be a second ahead, you can't be a second behind. | ||
| The audience is 50% of it. | ||
| I can't just do 90%. | ||
| What I do next depends on what you just did, and it does become a very hypnotic, symphonic thing. | ||
| Well, that's why hecklers don't realize what a fucking disaster they are, like how they're fucking things up because you're fucking up the rhythm of the interaction. | ||
| Like all of a sudden you have reared your ugly head and now everything has to focus on you and the whole trance has been transformed. | ||
| Yes, totally. | ||
| And you've truncated this like vibe. | ||
| I am not encouraging this because if I talk about this maybe I'll get increased the amount of hecklers I get. | ||
| I sometimes like hecklers because they keep me awake. | ||
| You don't fall asleep at the wheel. | ||
| Sometimes I fall asleep at the wheel. | ||
| Do you do a lot of sets? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I'm getting ready for a special, I'm like trying to time it out. | ||
| I'm very embarrassed about this and I have shame around it, but I write it out in the Word document and I'm like a geek. | ||
| I record every set and I do the same set and time it out and have four new tags I'm going to try. | ||
| I try one at each show. | ||
| I'm not a savant that gets up on stage and just writes on stage. | ||
| I wish I was that person. | ||
| I wish I could pretend like I just... | ||
| Why do you wish that though? | ||
| That's... | ||
| I feel like there's shame, and maybe this is just like a high school attitude, but in comedy there's still that, you know, the person that gets an F is cool. | ||
| Like the person who tries the least is the coolest. | ||
| Oh wow, that's so weird that you think that way. | ||
| That's because you come from athlete. | ||
| I feel like people think I'm a nerd because I try so hard. | ||
| That's so fucking strange. | ||
| That's gotta be a woman thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| A suppression of the ambitious woman thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's gotta be. | ||
| Because I literally have all my jokes typed out in a Word document. | ||
| I come to the Comedy Store and just pretend like I'm winging it. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. | ||
| Joey Diaz gives me shit for having a notebook sometimes. | ||
| What are you doing with that fucking notebook, dog? | ||
| To shame a man for preparing. | ||
| That's so like... | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Well, that's why you're you and he's him. | ||
| I write, dude. | ||
| I write shit out. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things, Attell. | ||
| I remember one time, because, you know, Attell has a new hour every six months. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he was, like, writing in his composition book before a show, and I can't remember what comedian came up to him. | ||
| You know, some middle guy was like, what are you doing? | ||
| What are you writing joke? | ||
| Or, what are you doing? | ||
| And Attell goes, I'm writing jokes. | ||
| Ever heard of it? | ||
| And it was just, you know, not particularly funny, but just so, like, yeah, the greats write shit down. | ||
| Did you ever see Greg Giraldo and Dennis Leary going at it on Tough Crowd? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The best! | |
| The best! | ||
| The fucking best. | ||
| First of all, Dennis is sitting there like a fucking douche. | ||
| In a leather jacket smoking. | ||
| With sunglasses on. | ||
| He's got sunglasses on inside during the filming, right? | ||
| So good. | ||
| Everything's going great for him. | ||
| He's on top of the world. | ||
| And Geraldo keeps coming up with these funny lines. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then he goes, so this guy, he's always got lines. | ||
| He goes, yeah, Dennis, this is a comedy show we write. | ||
| We write jokes. | ||
| Comedy writers. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The best. | ||
| And then he, you know, he shits. | ||
| I'm like, oh, these guys don't even have a TV show. | ||
| Where's your show? | ||
| He goes, I actually had a show, Dennis. | ||
| It was canceled. | ||
| We don't have to watch it. | ||
| Mark Maron made fun of me one time about that too. | ||
| I was on his podcast and he was like, he's like, you like write jokes. | ||
| You do like jokes. | ||
| And I remember being like, I'm so confused. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, isn't that what we're doing here? | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I think in the alternative community, it's very looked down upon to have like, da-da-da, punchline, set up punchline. | ||
| He was trying to say that that's a bad thing and you have jokes? | ||
| I mean, I annoy Mark very much. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Just the fact that I, like, have jokes and write jokes and prepare and, like... | ||
| Come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's something... | |
| That guy has jokes. | ||
| He writes jokes. | ||
| He does, but it's a little more... | ||
| It feels more unscripted and extemporaneous and, like, an inner monologue. | ||
| Just he's, you know... | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Naturally funnier or something. | ||
| And I'm not... | ||
| I'm not extemporaneously funny. | ||
| I have to work. | ||
| I'm a geek. | ||
| I have to be a geek. | ||
| I feel like there's benefit in doing both things. | ||
| I think there's benefit in freeballing and trying to come up with things and improvising and exploring the bits. | ||
| A lot of times I'll set myself up like I'll dig a hole on stage on purpose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smart. | |
| And then try to fight my way out of the hole. | ||
| And sometimes I don't. | ||
| And that opens the door to hecklers for sure. | ||
| But you gotta deal with that. | ||
| But in that process, sometimes bits come out. | ||
| But I also write. | ||
| I sit in front of the fucking keyboard all the time. | ||
| I sit in front of a notepad all the time. | ||
| And I feel like if I don't do that, there are bits that won't emerge. | ||
| They just won't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| And if I don't write them down, I'll forget them. | ||
| And I just, I was always, you know, people always, not people always, but whenever people say I'm smart, I get so confused because I got smart because I was not smart enough. | ||
| I was always in the kid in class asking a million questions and taking a million notes. | ||
| Like, I worked so hard to overcompensate for the fact that I wasn't smart that that's how I... I think smart's a loaded word, too. | ||
| It's a very vague, nebulous, it's a nothing word. | ||
| It's a nothing word. | ||
| Accumulation of information is not necessarily intelligence. | ||
| There's some people that will try to equate the two together. | ||
| And I think you can learn things, you remember things. | ||
| It doesn't necessarily mean you're smart. | ||
| I'm an encyclopedia of shit. | ||
| There's a difference between being articulate and you're smart in that way. | ||
| I just read a lot of shit and spouting out facts doesn't make you smart. | ||
| It's the same thing I do. | ||
| I just spout shit out that I remember. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| No, I'm not smart. | ||
| I'm plagiarizing someone else that I just read. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I just set a percentage and you think I'm smart. | ||
| I mean, I'm smart about certain things. | ||
| Like, if you want to ask me about martial arts, I know a lot about it because I've studied it my whole life. | ||
| But you're insightful and intuitive and, you know, like an artist when it comes to that kind of stuff. | ||
| You're brilliant with that stuff. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| Because you have, like, you have a sixth sense, you know, that's a magical... | ||
| It's not a sixth sense. | ||
| It's just I've been doing it so long. | ||
| For so long, yeah. | ||
| It's just data chunking, you know? | ||
| Well, it's like when people, you know, and not to demystify sort of what we do or pull the current back too much, when people are like, you're so good with hecklers. | ||
| It's like, well, there's no heckler I haven't encountered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Any exchange I have with a heckler I've done 500 times. | ||
| So a heckler's like, hey, bitch! | ||
| And they think it's the first time I've ever heard it. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, do you really want to do it? | ||
| Comedian club comics, there's nothing we haven't encountered. | ||
| Well, especially if you work the store, because there's no crowd control. | ||
| Like, you know, like, I've had, there's like so many videos online of me dealing with hackers, and people are like, well, how do you get so good at that? | ||
| Fucking work the comedy store! | ||
| And you can't even see them, because what people don't understand the comedy store is the way Mitzi lit it, is you, you're blinded by the light, and you, they're completely anonymous. | ||
| You can't even go, hey, fucking V-neck, because you don't know what anyone's wearing, because you see a black mask. | ||
| Well, there's also this thing that's going on in Hollywood that's very different than anywhere else, where there's a bunch of people that they're not fulfilled. | ||
| Like, if you come to Pasadena and you do a set in Pasadena, like, a lot of those people are not actors. | ||
| They're not in showbiz. | ||
| You work in Denver. | ||
| Those are not showbiz people. | ||
| True. | ||
| You know, I mean, you occasionally get the non-showbiz heckler... | ||
| Good point. | ||
| But those fucking showbiz failures are some of the most bitter, weird people that you'll ever encounter. | ||
| Well, here's the other thing, is I think that a lot of times people that come to comedy clubs, they're the funniest friend in their group. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| You always know when the guy's like, oh, you're the funny guy in the group? | ||
| You're the funny lawyer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're the funny lawyer, but you're the... | ||
| But hecklers, for some reason, don't... | ||
| Piss me off that much. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe because I'm so sick of my own material that I'm... | ||
| An insult is like a respite from my shit. | ||
| You are opening the door. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| But I don't totally mind. | ||
| Maybe it's because I usually agree with them. | ||
| Just sometimes. | ||
| When they yell insults, I'm like, that's a good point. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| There's some hecklers that are good-natured, and sometimes you encounter people that are just trying to have fun, and those people aren't nearly as shitty as the ones you'll encounter that are just rude. | ||
| I am so desperate, and I'm interested in your thought on this, I am so desperate to figure out how to be present, because I can't do it. | ||
| It doesn't come natural to me to be present in the moment. | ||
| Do you meditate? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Take yoga? | ||
| No, I can't do yoga. | ||
| You can't do it? | ||
| It's not for me. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| My inner monologue is too treacherous. | ||
| That's the whole idea. | ||
| You're supposed to beat that down. | ||
| I'm now doing this meditation practice that's based on John Bowlby's theory of attachment, which is to try to rewire your neural pathways in terms of how we attach to people. | ||
| And when you grow up in a chaotic environment, your amygdala doesn't develop... | ||
| The pathways to, I think, is it hippocampus? | ||
| Tell me if I'm wrong and bloviating. | ||
| That calms your brain down because you're on such high alert as a kid. | ||
| I developed an adrenaline addiction so early on that it's so hard for me to calm myself down, which is something I want to mention about smoking. | ||
| A doctor told me that, not that I was going to, but was saying something about smoking is... | ||
| The inhaling of smoking, because when you smoke, you take 10 deep breaths, let's say. | ||
| If you take 10 deep breaths without a cigarette, that's going to calm you down. | ||
| So sometimes the placebo of smoking is just the inhaling, which I thought was interesting. | ||
| That makes a lot of sense. | ||
| If you go outside and just take 10 deep breaths, you're going to feel better, with or without a cigarette. | ||
| Do you know who Wim Hof is? | ||
| Yeah, the ice guy that climbed to the top of the... | ||
| I do his breathing method before every set now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's that going? | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Have you gotten sick? | ||
| Doesn't he say you can control your immune system with the way you breathe? | ||
| He says you can. | ||
| I mean, I haven't gotten sick, but I was feeling sick the other night, but I ate a giant chunk of garlic. | ||
| My kids are sick. | ||
| When you have kids, they get sick all the time, and everybody in the house gets sick. | ||
| My wife has a little bit of a cold. | ||
| My middle daughter has a pretty good cold. | ||
| She's been home from school for a couple days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| But I just ate, I was feeling a little scratchy last night, so I ate just chunks of garlic, drank all this kombucha, and went to sleep. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| But my immune system is on point. | ||
| I bet that, I mean, I'd be interested in if it changed. | ||
| It's comedy clubs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am telling you, I never get sick. | |
| But it's also healthy food. | ||
| I eat really healthy for the most part. | ||
| I'm like bone marrow. | ||
| Bone marrow is my new thing. | ||
| Bone marrow? | ||
| Game changer. | ||
| Do you eat elk? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Do you want some? | ||
| I was waiting for this to come up. | ||
| I follow you on Instagram, so I'm just worried I'm going to go home with so much fucking meat. | ||
| Do you want some? | ||
| Do you cook? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I do, but pretty much bone broth, bone marrow, and eggs are the only meats I do. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bone marrow, bone broth, and eggs. | ||
| You're a fucking wolf. | ||
| I am a lone wolf. | ||
| You're like a wolf in the hen house, eating eggs and cracking bones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm Nell. | |
| I'm essentially, my ex-boyfriend used to call me Nell. | ||
| What's Nell? | ||
| Nell, remember that Jodie Foster movie where she was raised by wolves? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Because I got no attention as a kid. | ||
| What an obscure movie. | ||
| Because I have no social skills or people skills. | ||
| That's not true at all. | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| I'm not socialized. | ||
| I also have an extra bone in my foot. | ||
| I'm not fully evolved. | ||
| Like, I'm still a primate. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| You have an extra bone in your foot? | ||
| Like where a thumb should be? | ||
| Like where, like a webbing, or like, I'm basically, um, have you got your, um, what is it, your saliva test, your DNA test thing? | ||
| No, I'm scared. | ||
| 23andMeet? | ||
| You shouldn't. | ||
| Come on, let me vote. | ||
| They won't let you vote. | ||
| No, they'll find out I'm a monkey. | ||
| Yeah, if they see. | ||
| So I am in the, I think, 99th percentile of Neanderthal deviation. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you definitely have some Neanderthal in your past. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm an animal. | ||
| I'm a troc... | ||
| troc... | ||
| I eat things, like I'll just eat, like I was out with a friend of mine the other night and there was like a drink on the, and I'll just drink other, like I'll just drink trash troc I'm like a barnyard vulture. | ||
| And this is just the way you grew up? | ||
| Yeah, it's just like scarcity complex. | ||
| You never knew when food was coming. | ||
| You never knew when you were going to get attention again. | ||
| I wasn't socialized. | ||
| That took me a while to get over. | ||
| I just learned how to make eye contact like two years ago. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| The most basic shit, I was like not, I used to look like, okay, so I'm looking at you now. | ||
| I used to just look here for eye contact and someone, like I'm looking at the right side of your head. | ||
| This guy who worked with Rob Anderson finally one day was like, do you know that you're looking at, like he was like self-conscious about like his hairline. | ||
| I was like, what are you looking at? | ||
| I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| I'm looking in your eyes. | ||
| He's like, no, you're not. | ||
| And I asked all my friends, they're like, oh yeah, you always look to like the right of our eyebrow. | ||
| So you look over there? | ||
| I would just look over here. | ||
| Can you tell I'm looking at your eyebrow right now? | ||
| Or do you think I'm looking in your eyes? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| See, I'm so bad at this, I don't know. | ||
| I'm looking at your right eyebrow right now. | ||
| Can you tell? | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| That's so strange. | ||
| But here was my question. | ||
| I was like, is the right eye supposed to look in the right eye and the left eye supposed to look in the left eye? | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| Or do I look, like, to the center of your nose? | ||
| I think as long as you're looking at the eyes, it's okay. | ||
| I think two eyes look at one eye. | ||
| That's kind of what I'm doing now. | ||
| You know, some guys, this is always an insecurity with me. | ||
| Some guys, when they would fight, they would look their opponent in the eye. | ||
| So aggressive. | ||
| I never looked them in the eye. | ||
| So intimate. | ||
| I always looked in the chin, but I looked peripherally. | ||
| I looked abstract. | ||
| I see the whole body. | ||
| I would always look at people like this. | ||
| I know that when I am on stage, and if someone's not laughing, or if I'm not connected, I'll look them in the eye. | ||
| And then that's how you get them. | ||
| Listen, bitch. | ||
| Be obsequious. | ||
| Yeah, that's how you get them. | ||
| Obsequious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that it? | |
| You don't give a fuck with these words. | ||
| You're attacking. | ||
| But eye contact is like the most aggressive shit you can do. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| If you're in Trader Joe's and someone looks you in the eye, you're like, what, you want to fucking go? | ||
| I usually say hi. | ||
| How is it possible that I'm more aggressive than you, Joe? | ||
| When people make eye contact with me, I just say hi. | ||
| Well, because you're famous and you know that's what they're doing. | ||
| But even if they weren't, I would just say hi. | ||
| If you were in another country and someone just stared at you in the eyes, and you looked at them and they didn't look away... | ||
| I would think they're trying to steal my liver. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something. | ||
| Well, the chances are you probably are carrying a liver with the amount of meat you just have on you at all times. | ||
| I have a liver back there. | ||
| You have a liver. | ||
| I have some liver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a heart back there. | |
| Have you read this book called Source Nutrition or Something Nutrition? | ||
| It's about how the organs of the animal have more nutrients than the meat. | ||
| Oh, they definitely do. | ||
| Wolves always go right to the liver. | ||
| That's how they establish the alpha. | ||
| When they kill something, like kill a caribou, the alpha wolf will eat the liver. | ||
| Liver first. | ||
| It's all about how the human evolution of the brain was largely expedited once we started eating bone marrow because humans couldn't kill their own food in the beginning, so they would rely on eating the leftovers of wolves and lions and shit, and what was left over was always the bones and the shit that They didn't eat, so they started eating the marrow, and then their brains started growing exponentially, and then they were able to start developing tools and hunt their own food. | ||
| Then they started eating meat again, because they hunted their own food, stopped eating the bones and what they thought was the leftover trash, and then sort of plateaued. | ||
| It's so fascinating when you think about human beings, because what I've read is that human beings have been in this shape, as far as we know, for roughly 200 plus thousand years, but we've only been talking for 70. Wow. | ||
| So, like, our ability to communicate was only established about 70,000 years ago. | ||
| So for the first 130-plus thousand years, there was no talking. | ||
| Which sometimes talking is... | ||
| Just confuses people. | ||
| I feel like we can communicate so much better non-verbally than we can verbally. | ||
| That's not true at all. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm being, what's the word? | ||
| Hyperbolic. | ||
| Facetious. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| I know that I talk too much. | ||
| I should talk less. | ||
| But there's always these theories about why the brain is the size that it is. | ||
| The doubling of the human brain size apparently is the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record of any animal. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| They don't know what it is. | ||
| There's all these theories about maybe it was the consumption of more protein, but then the problem with that theory is, well, what about mountain lions? | ||
| How come they don't have giant fucking brains? | ||
| What about, you know, what about bears? | ||
| Why don't they have the biggest brains? | ||
| Then there's the other theories that we developed the throwing arm and that our throwing arm, the ability to throw at something and hit it, it led us to these problem-solving skills, all these different, because we figured out, oh, I can develop a tool now. | ||
| I can develop a weapon, but that doesn't make any sense either. | ||
| The most fascinating one is Terence McKenna's, because Terence McKenna's has a theory called the stoned ape theory, and his is based on psilocybin, and he believes that, and the crazy thing about this theory is it coincides with climate change. | ||
| Because two million years ago, the rainforests, the climate had shifted, rainforests receded into grasslands, and he thinks that these primates came down from trees and started experimenting with different food sources. | ||
| And one of the things, these undulate animals, cows and the like, they would shit, and then these psilocybin mushrooms would grow on cow patties. | ||
| Well, they would flip over these cow patties looking for bugs and worms, because they were always underneath there to eat, but they also had these mushrooms that were growing on the cow patties, and a lot of them were psilocybin mushrooms. | ||
| And that the psilocybin mushrooms, which were incredibly common in this area, when you eat them in low doses, they increase visual acuity. | ||
| They make you horny. | ||
| So that would make a better hunter and more likely to breed. | ||
| And then in high doses, they have these transcendent psychedelic experiences, and they would allow them to think out of the box, be more creative, come up with the idea. | ||
| Develop your right side of your brain, yeah. | ||
| Also, psilocybin has been known to regenerate neurons. | ||
| There's all these subjects they're doing right now about the properties of psilocybin. | ||
| Do you recommend this pill? | ||
| What pill? | ||
| Some mushroom pill. | ||
| Sorry, I keep pointing at you. | ||
| I'm going to stop doing that. | ||
| It's okay, point. | ||
| Cordyceps, shroom tech. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| This is alpha brain. | ||
| This is not mushrooms. | ||
| Isn't there one that's... | ||
| Yes, cordyceps mushroom. | ||
| But it's not the same one. | ||
| Shroom tech. | ||
| Same company. | ||
| That's my company. | ||
| But is it the same thing that you're talking about right now? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Psilocybin is magic mushrooms. | ||
| Psychedelic mushrooms. | ||
| Oh, okay, for real. | ||
| You don't have any psychedelic experience. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've done mushrooms. | ||
| I did LSD. I still have scars on my knuckles. | ||
| Punched people when you're on acid. | ||
| Punched myself. | ||
| You boxed a wall. | ||
| And won. | ||
| No, I remember the one time I did like acid acid, like the tabs of acid was in Rehoboth Beach, Maryland. | ||
| Don't be jealous. | ||
| And we were playing, do you know the card game Asshole? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| You know, where you like... | ||
| We would do when you lost the card deck. | ||
| You would cut someone's knuckles with the card deck until it bled. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Hardcore white trash shit. | ||
| And so I still have little scars on my knuckles from that. | ||
| On acid? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I lost my mind. | ||
| So I never did that again. | ||
| I go hard. | ||
| I am a ride or die. | ||
| And so I never did acid. | ||
| And then I spent the next like 18 hours being like, this is never going to end. | ||
| This is never going to end. | ||
| This is awful. | ||
| And then I did mushrooms a couple times. | ||
| That's a let go thing. | ||
| The thing about psychedelics is the bad trips come from the inability to let go. | ||
| I had a hard time with it when I first started doing psychedelics as well. | ||
| It's like you try to battle it. | ||
| You can't battle it. | ||
| You have to just succumb to it. | ||
| You just got to give in. | ||
| I was 13. I mean, I had no mental ability. | ||
| I had no recovery. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You're 13. Jesus Christ. | ||
| I feel like if I did it now, I probably could acquiesce a little better. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| Have you ever done isolation tank? | ||
| No, I did. | ||
| You know Amangiri in Utah? | ||
| The Amon? | ||
| It's like a... | ||
| I did like a deprivation tank. | ||
| That's different? | ||
| Sensory deprivation tank? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Same thing, different. | ||
| What is an amangiri? | ||
| It's like a wellness place and they have a giant sensory deprivation tank where it's like two inches of water and you float in this black bowl. | ||
| It should be a lot deeper than two inches. | ||
| Oh, it was two inches. | ||
| Or maybe it was more than that. | ||
| Well, in order for your body to float. | ||
| Whatever, however many is required. | ||
| She's like 12. Okay, 12. Okay, now you're just saying I'm fat. | ||
| No, no, I'm saying a person's body. | ||
| If you're two inches, you're that big. | ||
| My ass was smaller then. | ||
| Half of your body has to be underwater. | ||
| That's a good, whatever it is. | ||
| And you float. | ||
| So, obviously, you know, you're dealing with some mass. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| And you have to have like 11 inches or so of water. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I love how literal you are. | ||
| You know what you are? | ||
| You're the guy in a fight. | ||
| Who you can never win because you just stick to the literal facts. | ||
| And anyone exaggerating is going to lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I feel like you're the guy who's like, I didn't say you were a bitch. | |
| I said you were being a bitch. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| No? | ||
| Like, on the form? | ||
| Like, you're gonna win on a technicality? | ||
| That seems like a ridiculous way to have an argument. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I find that smart guys... | ||
| Like, I was dating this guy who's a doctor, and I could never... | ||
| I'd be like, well, I mean, it's not like you were there. | ||
| He's like, I was there at 2.30. | ||
| I'm like, but you were late. | ||
| He's like, I was... | ||
| Like, stuck to the technicalities. | ||
| Well, I think truly smart people don't get involved in relationships with people that argue over shit like that. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You got me. | ||
| You got me. | ||
| But I'm a comedian, so I don't know if this is chicken or egg. | ||
| I tend to exaggerate things. | ||
| I'm like, it was like two inches of water. | ||
| Makes it funny. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it screws up my relationships because you lose credibility. | ||
| Everything goes back to you fucking up these relationships or these relationships not going well. | ||
| Being a comedian, I know. | ||
| It's fucked me. | ||
| Or maybe it's the crutch I lean on so that I don't have to just take responsibility for my behavior. | ||
| I think it's gonna fuck you until you find the right guy, and then it'll be great. | ||
| It's not that. | ||
| It's the same thing with everybody. | ||
| Some people have personalities that are more compatible with more people, but your personality, I'm sure, is compatible with somebody. | ||
| You just gotta find that person who's the right Key to your lock or vice versa. | ||
| I'm just so impressed by you because you have your career and your personal life are equally successful. | ||
| It's just fortunate. | ||
| Very lucky. | ||
| Very lucky. | ||
| But I also like think about it a lot. | ||
| I work on it a lot. | ||
| You do. | ||
| Bold things. | ||
| You know, I think if you are not like comfortable in either or, like I read something today that made me sad. | ||
| I cried. | ||
| I cried. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| No, don't do that. | ||
| Praying is strength. | ||
| Strength and vulnerability. | ||
| It was about Scott Whelan from Stone Temple Pilots, and it was a story that his wife wrote. | ||
| The Rolling Stone one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you read it? | |
| Don't glorify tragedy. | ||
| Made me so sad. | ||
| Addiction is nasty. | ||
| It was not just the addiction, it was the way he treats his kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The way he sort of replaced his children. | ||
| He had a son and a daughter with the first wife, and then once he got the new wife and he had a new family, he replaced his family. | ||
| And he just stopped paying attention to his son, stopped paying attention to his daughter. | ||
| They never went to his new house, and all that was just such a bummer to me. | ||
| It was such a bummer. | ||
| Addiction, though, is like... | ||
| It is. | ||
| Nasty. | ||
| By the way, the kids that didn't live with him were probably better off. | ||
| I know that's a fucked up thing to say. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Being raised in addiction is... | ||
| Fucking heroin. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I look at you. | ||
| Heroin is so fucking scary. | ||
| Addiction, you can never... | ||
| You'll never win. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| But I work at it. | ||
| I think you have to work at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially taking care of kids, it's so fucking important. | ||
| Because you were neglected, because I was neglected, I think we have that thing in our head. | ||
| And I'm fucking bound and determined to let my kids know that I love them, I care about them, and I spend a lot of time with them. | ||
| And I don't talk about it too much. | ||
| And it's also not just time. | ||
| It's, I'm not on my phone. | ||
| Because I had, I wasn't like alone in a basement. | ||
| You're ignored. | ||
| I had people next to me who were not, they were with me, but they weren't hearing me or seeing me. | ||
| I was invisible, even though people were around me. | ||
| They weren't interacting with you. | ||
| Which is sometimes more confusing to a child than just complete absence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, definitely. | |
| Because then I'm going, I'm being rejected on a minute-by-minute basis by someone who's choosing something else over me. | ||
| So when you, the most tragic thing is when you see the new alcoholism, I think, is, is If kids with their parents, their parents are on their phone right next to them, completely checked out, but right next to them. | ||
| So you're there, but you're not there. | ||
| Yeah, that's a really common thing. | ||
| But here's what's fucked up, and this is something that I struggle with, and a lot of my friends who have kids struggle with as well. | ||
| A lot of people become interesting because of adversity they face when they're children. | ||
| And then you have children, and the last thing you want is your children to experience adversity. | ||
| But the people that you like, all my friends came from fucked up households. | ||
| Every single one of them. | ||
| Well, the good news is, with bullying, your kids will find it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure. | |
| There'll be plenty of adversity. | ||
| I hate to break it to you, but there'll be a lot of adversity, I would imagine, that you can't, you know, outside of your sanctuary of your home. | ||
| But what I'm saying is they all came from fucked up houses. | ||
| But this is all, but there's also no, you tell me, I feel like the last generation was just kind of a wash. | ||
| Like, I don't know that many people who had, like, great childhoods just because, like, that generation of men, alcoholism was so rampant in the 50s. | ||
| I mean, people don't think about the fact that, like, in the 20s, this country had to Outlawed drinking. | ||
| That's how bad it was. | ||
| For 10 years... | ||
| That's not why it happened, though. | ||
| In the 20s. | ||
| That's not why it happened. | ||
| Why did it happen? | ||
| It happened because they outlawed marijuana. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But... | ||
| This is what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What they did was they tried to control the population. | ||
| And one of the ways they were going to control the population was outlawing drinking. | ||
| They tried to put a shackle on people because they didn't want people going out in the streets and doing these things, but what they did is they empowered organized crime. | ||
| And in doing that, what they did was they just made Al Capone rich, and they made all these people rich, and then, once they did that, then they tried to put a stop to other drugs so they can take these people that they used to enforce the alcohol laws, and they enforced other laws. | ||
| Like, that's when marijuana became illegal. | ||
| But all of it is just a control issue. | ||
| It's not that it was necessary. | ||
| In fact, the best way to keep people from drinking is to let people drink around them, see the disastrous effects, like, this is why you don't, like, you're in all these groups. | ||
| Why are you in all these groups? | ||
| You're in all these groups because you grew up with people that were fucked up. | ||
| You know, I never touched coke, and one of the reasons why I never touched coke, because I grew up with cokeheads. | ||
| I had cokeheads that were friends of my, one of my good friend's cousin was a cokehead, and I saw it from a bunch of people, and then I had a buddy who died from heroin. | ||
| I've never even thought about trying heroin. | ||
| And also when you tell people they can't do something, they want to do it more. | ||
| So like in Europe, you know, I mean, there's a lot of alcoholism, but it's not like as bad as it is here because it's like, yeah, go for it. | ||
| They drink at 14 and they've got it out of their system and they have nothing to prove and there's not like, you know, all this taboo around it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I think it was more of a control issue than it was anything. | ||
| And it all coincided with World War I. And I think, you know, there was a bunch of people that wanted everyone to get back to work and make America strong. | ||
| Yeah, suck it up and man up. | ||
| Stop people from drinking. | ||
| But you just create slaves. | ||
| You can't tell people what they can and can't do with their body. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| And you can't. | ||
| Especially because drinking is fun. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Super fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| And then in the 50s, the fucking Mad Men generation, the three martini lunch, people were just drinking during the day at the office. | ||
| It was socially acceptable. | ||
| So that was our parents and our parents' parents. | ||
| We're the first generation, I mean, trying to be good parents that even have the information to be able to be good parents. | ||
| We have the information on the psychology and the sociology and alcoholism. | ||
| You're the first parent that's going like, you know what? | ||
| I'm going to see my kid and let my kid cry. | ||
| If I have a boy, I'm going to let him say like... | ||
| I don't feel good and not be like, man up and catch this ball. | ||
| You know, it's the first generation that I feel like we're really know enough to be able to be good parents. | ||
| Well, you got to know when to tell them to man up, too, though. | ||
| Yes, of course. | ||
| You got to tell them when to walk it off. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, like my five-year-old, she'll cry for everything because she knows that crying gets her attention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then I'll go, look, sweetie, if you want a hug, I'm happy to give you a hug. | ||
| But I know that that didn't hurt. | ||
| I saw what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| There's really nothing. | ||
| I'm not going to enable victimizing yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, she stopped at my fire. | |
| Because she's five, so she still has a lot of extra W's. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They put Willie. | ||
| Everything's Willie. | ||
| She stepped on my foot. | ||
| There's like all this woo, woo, this woo noise. | ||
| Because they still have like a baby sound. | ||
| Honey, your daddy's Joe Rogan. | ||
| You need to man the fuck up right now. | ||
| Suck it up. | ||
| You're embarrassing me. | ||
| You're going to be fine. | ||
| You give them love, but you also let them know. | ||
| But I don't ignore it. | ||
| I don't go, hey, stop fucking crying. | ||
| Your foot's fine. | ||
| You don't say that. | ||
| I go, look, it's not a big idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of it's just being heard. | |
| You gotta let it go. | ||
| It's just a sensation. | ||
| I read this thing. | ||
| There's this book called The Fantasy Bond about what happens when kids are ignored, neglected, and all that kind of stuff. | ||
| Kids would rather be physically abused than ignored. | ||
| Yeah, I've read that. | ||
| Because at least their existence is being validated, and they don't feel like their life is at stake. | ||
| I dated this girl, and we broke up, and she dated some guy that hit her. | ||
| And I've told this story before, but it was very bizarre. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| Hit me up. | ||
| I was like 17 at the time, but she was telling me that this guy hit her and I was like fuck and she's like, you know, what's fucked up is I like it and I was like, okay, well context easy You don't want him to like hit you because you you know the thing in the dishwasher You want the light slap in bed. | ||
| I don't think it was a light slap. | ||
| I think there was like some beating up It was weird. | ||
| But also, was he trained in jiu-jitsu like you? | ||
| I don't think she'd want you to hit her. | ||
| Some random guy who's not a trained fighter. | ||
| He's got shitty technique. | ||
| He's saying, I'm fine with Tony Hinchcliffe hitting me. | ||
| I don't want Joe Rogan hitting me. | ||
| Don't say that poor Tony's like, what? | ||
| Oh, show her. | ||
| I don't want a little vegan Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| He's got off the vegan. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's eating meat now. | ||
| Okay, we're back. | ||
| I influenced him. | ||
| Okay, there you go. | ||
| Took him to the gym a few times. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So look, you're not going to get this way eating beans. | ||
| Okay, maybe not him. | ||
| But yeah, I think it depends on who's doing the hitting. | ||
| I wasn't even there when he ate meat. | ||
| He did it last week for the first time. | ||
| He went to Fogo de Child, you know what that place is? | ||
| The Brazilian Steakhouse? | ||
| Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Did he skip a smorgasbord of fucking meat? | ||
| Do you know my Ari Shafir story? | ||
| About when he hazed me? | ||
| He hazed you? | ||
| When he hazed me at the Comedy Store? | ||
| Hazed you? | ||
| In the beginning when I started at the Comedy Store, I think we told this story on his podcast, or he mentioned it, which is that in the beginning when I got hazed so hard, you were not there to protect me because you had made your mass exodus from the Comedy Store. | ||
| It was like him and like David Taylor and all these guys used to just fucking kill me. | ||
| I mean, they would just make my life miserable because I was like, showed up in my backpack and like, you know, hoodie. | ||
| And I was like, she was like, I'm going to make it as a comedian. | ||
| And they were like, we're going to crush your soul. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And one night, Ari stole my backpack and hid it. | ||
| Because I would always come with a backpack, but he didn't know that my credit card had just gotten stolen. | ||
| And I just got to call for the bank saying, hey, some guy stole your credit card. | ||
| So he was like, it's probably someone around you who stole your credit card, copied it, etc. | ||
| And then Ari stole my book bag, put it up in the back bar, like hid it. | ||
| And then... | ||
| I instantly, I couldn't find it, started hysterically crying and made Tommy turn on the house lights in the OR, which have you ever even seen lights on in the OR? Yes, it's weird. | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| See ghosts in there and shit. | ||
| It's like looking at a one night stand in the face. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| And he didn't admit that it was him for like years until I think like seven years later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Because he was so, like, embarrassed or upset or whatever. | ||
| That's probably not the word. | ||
| I don't think he's capable of that. | ||
| Being embarrassed? | ||
| Those kind of emotions. | ||
| But he then admitted to me, finally, that was me that stole your backpack. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's dark. | ||
| Yeah, that wasn't as good a story. | ||
| Do you think... | ||
| Do you think there is a concerted effort to fuck with women when they start doing stand-up comedy? | ||
| Fuck with them emotionally, obviously. | ||
| Mentally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm grateful for it. | ||
| I'm glad they did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm grateful. | ||
| It made me tougher. | ||
| You say that. | ||
| Not a lot of women would say that, right? | ||
| Look, I know, maybe I'm not being feminist. | ||
| Oh, that word again. | ||
| That fucking word. | ||
| That's why I said it with a tinge on it. | ||
| So loaded. | ||
| I, again, because I grew up playing sports, I welcome adversity because I know it makes me stronger. | ||
| So I don't complain about it. | ||
| Like, pain, muscle soreness, all that stuff. | ||
| So rare, though. | ||
| Like, if I'm not sore after a workout the next day, I'm bummed. | ||
| Because I know that I didn't work that hard. | ||
| So adversity at the comedy store and stuff, I knew instinctively you guys are helping me. | ||
| You don't know you're helping me because you're trying to hurt me, but you're actually making me stronger. | ||
| And I'm grateful. | ||
| That's a very unusual attitude though, right? | ||
| Even for a man or a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For anybody. | ||
| I grew up in an environment that was very like, you know, idle hands is a devil's work and if it doesn't hurt, you're not doing it right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I'm grateful that I have that mentality because it helps in doing stand-up. | ||
| So you stop for three months. | ||
| You've stopped for three months now. | ||
| Three months, yeah. | ||
| Do you time it? | ||
| Do you decide three months? | ||
| No, I sort of like, I think stand-up for me is very much like a haunting, you know? | ||
| You get an itch. | ||
| You sort of like have stuff you have to talk about, and instead of like boring your friends at dinner with it, or you have a podcast, you have other outlets, I wait till I'm like, this is a gross word, but like constipated with like... | ||
| An obsession of injustice. | ||
| Like right now, there's nothing that's keeping me up at night that I have to get on stage and yell about. | ||
| And if I'm not obsessed with it, why would I waste an audience member's time? | ||
| So when did you do your special? | ||
| First week of September. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So when do you think you'll start getting that itch? | ||
| Maybe like a month. | ||
| I need to go on a couple bad dates and like get pissed on or something. | ||
| You know, because I just did, I did 50 cities in a year or something and like said so much and now I need to like get that. | ||
| 50 cities? | ||
| Yeah, I think I did 50 this year. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| No, and is this like every week or is it like doing several different cities a week? | ||
| Uh, yeah, I was doing, like, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| Like, one city Friday, one city Saturday, sometimes one Sunday. | ||
| Where'd you film? | ||
| For, like, Santa Monica. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| This is such a dorky comedian thing. | ||
| My new obsession is to do, and I did my last one in Irvine, my new obsession is to go all around the country to tour, and then when you shoot your special, sleep in your own bed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Get your crew, get everybody, and shoot it here. | ||
| So I shot my last one in Irvine, and then this one in Santa Monica. | ||
| Where in Santa Monica? | ||
| The Broad Theater, Santa Monica College. | ||
| It's a beautiful theater. | ||
| I want it to feel like a club, 500 seats, gorgeous, looks like a spaceship. | ||
| You know, because when you shoot in, you know, I loved the one you did in Denver, and I've been obsessed with shooting a special at Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| Yeah, it's the best. | ||
| You did the downtown one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love the other... | ||
| The other one's great, too. | ||
| It looks like a... | ||
| Larimer Square. | ||
| It's gorgeous. | ||
| Larimer Square one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, should I do that? | ||
| But then you're in a hotel, and then you're tired, and you don't have your restaurant. | ||
| You've got to get up, and you're in a hotel room, and you're like, where's food? | ||
| And it just throws off your rhythm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So my indulgence is to shoot a special and sleep in my bed the night before and the night after. | ||
| That's fucking smart. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| It's a good thing to keep you comfortable. | ||
| See, your last special, the Denver one, you talked about Denver and weed and that got into legalization of weed and all that kind of stuff. | ||
| But it's like, for me, it's like, I don't think most people give a shit where you shoot it unless you make it a cornerstone of what you're doing. | ||
| So it's like, I'm going to go all the way to Chicago to shoot it. | ||
| No one cares that I've schlepped all the way to Chicago, you know? | ||
| Isn't that in your mind, though? | ||
| Is it my ego? | ||
| It's in your mind, I think, no? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| I feel like for me, and maybe it's just because I'm a girl and I need my shit and my makeup artist and my fucking hair extensions. | ||
| And if I don't sleep eight hours, I look like Steve Buscemi. | ||
| I can't fuck around. | ||
| So being on the road is just, I think that's where the being the girl comes in. | ||
| It just gets a little more complicated. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Because when people are like, is it harder being a female comedian? | ||
| I'm like, literally the difference is I need my shit, my makeup. | ||
| I have to check luggage when I travel for one night. | ||
| I'm bound and determined to do all my specials from now on in smaller places. | ||
| Bigger place is all ego. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| Not only that, when you're watching at home, you're sitting in your living room, you're sitting on a couch. | ||
| It loses all the magic, all the scope. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| And no one's going, oh, look, so-and-so sold 2,000 tickets and Kevin Hart. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| And I don't even do audience reaction shots anymore. | ||
| Not either. | ||
| It's for ego, and then it also dates the special. | ||
| Because number one, if you can see the audience, it's too brightly lit. | ||
| Number two, you cut to it and then you see the, like, you know, Ross Perot t-shirt, so you know exactly whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, you know... | |
| Nothing throws me off more than seeing a No Fear t-shirt and I'm like, oh that was shot in 1998. It takes away the timeless classic thing. | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely some of that. | ||
| Some assholes in shorts and you're like, oh god. | ||
| I just think that that's a cheap way to cut away. | ||
| That they like to cut away. | ||
| The director I use was fucking insisting on that. | ||
| He wanted to keep the room lit. | ||
| We had a fight about it. | ||
| He even turned the lights up during the first showing. | ||
| I was like, why the fuck are the lights on? | ||
| We had like a problem with it. | ||
| These stand-up specials are so fascinating to me because it's like we get so good at something that's incredibly hard that's very much thought of as one of the hardest things you can do. | ||
| I mean, how many people can get up on a stage and make a crowd laugh for an hour? | ||
| How many? | ||
| How many do you think? | ||
| Thousand in the world. | ||
| Thousand in the world? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Really good ones for an hour? | ||
| Kill it for an hour and might be a thousand in the country. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Probably less. | ||
| I mean, there's more heart surgeons. | ||
| Well, I think if you really had to be honest, how many do you think are great? | ||
| How many do you think are really funny? | ||
| When I have said this- 500? | ||
| I would say 500. Hmm. | ||
| I would say 500. 300 million people plus in this country. | ||
| 350 with Mexicans. | ||
| I think that's probably right, 500 people. | ||
| And I mean, how many heart surgeons are there? | ||
| How many neurosurgeons are there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Thank God there's a bunch. | ||
| Tons, yeah. | ||
| So it's like, this is such a weird, specialized thing. | ||
| And then we get so good at something that so few people can get good at, that's so hard. | ||
| I hope this doesn't come off like egomaniacal. | ||
| And then all of a sudden you're shooting your special, the taping, and then we change the circumstances entirely. | ||
| We make it light. | ||
| We do it at 6 p.m. | ||
| instead of at 8 p.m. | ||
| We totally change the rules of the game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The one night that it really matters the most. | ||
| Also, there's, like, boom cameras. | ||
| Flying around. | ||
| There's things behind you. | ||
| So intrusive. | ||
| Now, wear high heels and wear your hair down. | ||
| You've never worn your hair down in stand-up before, but the night that it counts, you're going to wear your hair down and have makeup on. | ||
| It's just like, so I try to make the night that I shoot the special replicate a normal night at the club as much as possible. | ||
| That's very smart. | ||
| Same lighting. | ||
| Same number of people. | ||
| It was only like 400 people. | ||
| You know, no cameras in my face. | ||
| This, my hair is down, and it was a very big drama that my hair was down, because HBO wanted my hair to be down. | ||
| I was like, I've never wore my hair down doing stand-up. | ||
| Why did HBO want your hair to be down? | ||
| Well, this is actually kind of a funny story. | ||
| Apparently Chris Rock suggested to them that I put my hair down. | ||
| Fuck Chris Rock. | ||
| How dare he? | ||
| I mean, yeah, what does he know about comedy? | ||
| What does he know about your hair? | ||
| He did a documentary called Good Hair. | ||
| He's got black guys hair. | ||
| That's like me telling you not to wear makeup. | ||
| It's very... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's ridiculous. | |
| Don't wear lipstick, bitch. | ||
| I... I don't wear lipstick. | ||
| I could do a comedy for 26 years. | ||
| Look, I'm a fan of his, and he's... | ||
| Well, I am as well, but that's it. | ||
| Smart, and he told HBO that, and then they were like, we want you to wear your hair down, and I was like, you know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Did he direct your shit or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| I know! | ||
| He's giving advice on things that he didn't even have... | ||
| I got a note from Chris Rock on a... | ||
| Oh, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I was like, look... | ||
| I do believe in kind of things that not always my ideas are the best ideas and maybe other people know more than I do, especially people who've been doing comedy for 30 years. | ||
| So I just decided to do it and... | ||
| Did you feel weird? | ||
| I felt very weird. | ||
| I felt like I was being attacked by, like, a wild animal the entire time. | ||
| You see me, like, my hair, like, forget, and I'm, like, super tweaked out in the special because my hair's attacking me the whole time. | ||
| But, yeah, it's like playing a sport with your hair down. | ||
| That's what it felt like to me. | ||
| You get used to shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can see it. | ||
| And you've got muscle memory, and all of a sudden I'm fighting it, but anything that throws a curveball at me while I'm performing, I welcome because it keeps me present. | ||
| Well, especially something that throws a curveball at you while you're doing a special. | ||
| It's not just performing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're performing something that's going to be locked down forever. | |
| Yeah, but that's what I think we are best at, having shit thrown at us and us having to deal with it. | ||
| Sometimes, for sure. | ||
| But sometimes it's not representative of the actual material itself in its best form. | ||
| Never. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never. | |
| Well, I mean, you ideally never do the same show twice. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I think for me, in the first couple, it was all about how do I do the same thing every time, like acting or something. | ||
| How do I replicate the same thing? | ||
| And then as I, I think, grow more as a comedian, I'm like, how do I not do the same thing in a perfunctory, phoned-in way every time? | ||
| Right. | ||
| How do you have just a real present performance and then also be aware that you're filming this? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How do I, like, nail it, but also, like, be fresh and surprise myself? | ||
| Isn't that why it's important to do more than one show on a night? | ||
| I think that's super important. | ||
| I actually did one show Friday, one show Saturday. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, it was actually great. | ||
| I mean, that's the benefit of HBO is they have a little more money, but that was helpful to me because the first show was just working out the kinks with the camera guys so that, you know, you do a great performance and, God forbid, they don't even catch it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you're really trying to catch lightning in a bottle in a special. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, when you do one show, like, do you ever see Bill Hicks' Relentless Live from London? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, yeah. | ||
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of flat. | ||
| And one of the reasons why it's kind of flat is he did one show in a theater in London, and it was for HBO. So it's like this one, ready, go. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Also, the same thing with multicam. | ||
| I think a lot of the reason people think multicams suck is that it's like filming a play. | ||
| Being there, stand-up is meant to be live. | ||
| If you're watching it on Netflix or if you're watching it on HBO, you're getting it in its second iteration. | ||
| It's always going to lose 40% of the magic. | ||
| I mean, you go see Joe Rogan at the fucking Comedy Works, you're dying at every joke, clapping, fucking slapping your knee, going crazy, and then you watch it, and you're laughing out loud, but it's just a different... | ||
| You're not in the flesh in front of me. | ||
| Yeah, you're not caught up in the trance. | ||
| Yes, you're not in that vibe. | ||
| Same with multicams. | ||
| We'll shoot an episode of something, and I swear when it's there, it's funny. | ||
| We're all like, that was so funny. | ||
| The audience is going crazy. | ||
| Everyone's laughing. | ||
| And then you go see it in the editing room, and you're like... | ||
| It's so much funny if you'd been there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It always is. | |
| There's something weird about being there while someone's performing. | ||
| Music, too. | ||
| You know, you go to, like, really good music, you like really good music, and you listen to it, it's great. | ||
| But if you go see someone do it live, it's like, oh, man. | ||
| Magic. | ||
| It's the magic. | ||
| I rarely get to see people perform, like, music-wise. | ||
| I mean, I see a lot of stand-up, but it's so rare that I get to see music. | ||
| I went and saw Justin Timberlake when I was in Vegas. | ||
| We're in Vegas a lot of times at the same time. | ||
| I was in Vegas and after the show I went and saw Justin Timberlake and I was like- After the show? | ||
| So you did your show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then I went. | ||
| He does a three hour show by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| He did three hours, was dancing the entire time like Michael Jackson. | ||
| I had to sit down 45 minutes in of watching his show because my back hurt and he was dancing for three hours. | ||
| That motherfucker does not play. | ||
| I want to know what he's up to, what he's putting in his joints. | ||
| Sucks a lot of cock. | ||
| Semen, it really is very tissue regenerating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In that case, I'd be 12 feet tall. | |
| And so watching him, I was just like, holy fuck. | ||
| I was like, he is amazing. | ||
| He dazzled me. | ||
| I was dazzled. | ||
| And everyone's like, is it news to you that Justin Timberlake is talented? | ||
| And I was like, no, I'm just used to seeing it on tiny screens. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's the same reason that people can come up to us in airports and go, Joe, what's up, man? | ||
| What did you fucking eat for breakfast? | ||
| Because we're on small screens. | ||
| And then when an actor's on big screens, people are like, oh my God, look over there, that's Brad Pitt. | ||
| They don't go up to him and ask him what he's eating. | ||
| Do you ever take a picture of people and you feel them shaking? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| Yes, very. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very. | |
| You feel their body shaking. | ||
| It's just so weird to me because I have such career body dysmorphia, but also career dysmorphia, and it's very shocking. | ||
| I'm always like, she thinks I'm serious. | ||
| Like, who does she think I am? | ||
| Well, women, like, a really powerful woman like you, like, women like, oh my god, you're right there. | ||
| Like, yeah, I love you. | ||
| You're my idol. | ||
| Like, you're what I want to be. | ||
| Like, a lot of women want to be assertive and powerful, and they just want to feel confident, and they look at you, you're on stage, you're talking about sex, and you're talking about all this crazy shit, and you're saying it in a funny way, and people are laughing, and you have your assertion, and the way you're enunciating is all this clear, and I can't do that shit! | ||
| You know, and it's like they meet, and they're like... | ||
| I'm so scared and insecure, I can't not do stand-up. | ||
| I'm the opposite. | ||
| I'm so terrified of being invisible and no one's seen. | ||
| I literally do stand up out of weakness, not out of strength. | ||
| I do not operate. | ||
| My motives are completely out of, like, insecurity and fear. | ||
| That's funny, though, that you talk about it and you admit that, though. | ||
| That's what makes it really rare. | ||
| Because most people who would feel those things would just go, like, shut up! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Put them in the closet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get in there! | |
| Good point. | ||
| I need to... | ||
| Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. | ||
| Like fucking hammer boards on the closet. | ||
| I need to work on lying more. | ||
| I, to try to impress you today, I put eyeliner or eyebrow pencil on and I feel like it's melting off. | ||
| To impress me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not to impress. | |
| I'm a big fan of eyebrows. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't even know you have them until you pointed it out. | ||
| I've been looking at your tits the entire time. | ||
| Until I had to look at the one eyebrow to not look in your eyes to see what that would be like. | ||
| I just noticed that you had eyebrows. | ||
| No eye contact. | ||
| No, but I mean, eye stand-up for me is completely fear-driven. | ||
| It's not confidence. | ||
| Well, no, here's what I'm doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm afraid of... | |
| I'm afraid that... | ||
| I feel like you've never done what you just did before. | ||
| This? | ||
| I'm out of. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't remember doing it. | ||
| Does your wife fill in her eyebrows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I've never asked her. | ||
| I don't know your wife at all. | ||
| That's so funny that you don't know that about your wife. | ||
| I don't ask questions. | ||
| Yeah, smart. | ||
| I don't want to know. | ||
| I sometimes at night smoke weed and start plucking my eyebrows and then I wake up the next morning and they're just half the size and I'm just like, fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Did I get a new face last night? | ||
| So I put the tweezers. | ||
| I can't smoke weed and have tweezers in the house. | ||
| And then so like three nights ago, I tweezed like an entire chunk out of my eyebrows so I have to fill it in with an eyebrow pencil. | ||
| Hashtag feminism! | ||
| You should smoke weed and do yoga. | ||
| Maybe you would like it then. | ||
| Here's the problem with me and exercise. | ||
| I really like to feel, I need to feel some kind of pain and feel like I'm burning so many calories. | ||
| I don't think of yoga as exercise. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smart. | |
| I think of it as body maintenance. | ||
| Smart, because of the stretching. | ||
| And I think of it as a moving meditation. | ||
| For me, it's really helpful for me mentally, but it's also really helpful for my body, because everything I do is like... | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| It's all explosion. | ||
| It's self-care. | ||
| Yeah, it's fantastic for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, giant. | |
| Because hypermobile people, which I have, which is that we use our bones instead of our muscles, which is a lot of people. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| I don't understand what that means. | ||
| It basically means, like, so I can, like, knock my hip out of, like, I'm just, like, too flexible, basically. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| My hips are just, like, I'm just janky. | ||
| I'm a lemon. | ||
| You're very flexible. | ||
| Yeah, I'm very flexible. | ||
| My hips can pop out of socket. | ||
| They pop out a socket? | ||
| Literally? | ||
| Pop out a socket. | ||
| And then when I would run and walk, I would walk with my bones, my hips and my knees, instead of my quad muscles. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Well, you know, you would be a good striker. | ||
| Because it's one of the things that when you're teaching martial arts, one of the things that I would teach people back when I used to teach, is you've got to think about you're using your bones. | ||
| Don't think about your muscles. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Think about fighting with your bones. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| The way to do it correctly is, like, mechanically, you have to be using your bones. | ||
| You can't think about using your muscles because then you're like... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Everything becomes circular when you're trying to use your muscles. | ||
| But when you're trying to use your bones, everything is, like, done correctly. | ||
| If you do it correctly, it's much more effortless than it seems. | ||
| Like, if you watch, like, some of the best strikers, they strike in a sort of an effortless way. | ||
| I mean, there's some guys that do it kinetically and they use a lot of muscle to get the job done. | ||
| But efficiency, like the best way to do it efficiently, has kind of been mapped out. | ||
| And the way they do it correctly, it's almost like it seems counterintuitive, but you're using your skeleton. | ||
| Do you know Martin Snow? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's got a gym called Trinity Boxing on Melrose, I think? | ||
| And he was helping me with the... | ||
| What are those little things you put in pools that help you float? | ||
| Floaties? | ||
| Oh, those little things? | ||
| Yeah, so he would have me punch the floaty things. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of boxing trainers use those. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So that I would... | ||
| They're good for defense, too. | ||
| So I would do that, exactly what you're talking about, because I would try to hit two... | ||
| Oh, use all your muscles. | ||
| Because I'm too much. | ||
| I'm a lot. | ||
| I'm a lot. | ||
| I'm too much. | ||
| But yeah, so I was putting so much pressure on my knees and my hips and my ass. | ||
| I had no ass development at all. | ||
| Like, I wouldn't use my ass. | ||
| I would use my back. | ||
| If I was going to lift something, I would use my, like, vertebrae. | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then what happens is if you dat over time, that's how we get non-collision injuries. | ||
| When you just, at 55, you sneeze and throw out your back. | ||
| It's just so much pressure is built up on your bones. | ||
| Little micro-injuries. | ||
| You know when people are like, I just sat on the couch and threw out my neck. | ||
| You know, stuff like that. | ||
| I did that once in the fucking, in the shower. | ||
| I, like, turn to grab the shampoo or something like that. | ||
| Gets you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, it just hits you. | ||
| It's a straw that breaks the camel's back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It didn't make any sense. | |
| It's like the straw that breaks the camel's back. | ||
| And I had to drive to Vegas, and this was a long time ago, and I was in my car driving. | ||
| I remember I couldn't turn around and look behind me, so when I had to look behind me, I'd literally have to turn my whole body like this to look behind me. | ||
| So for you, is yoga about stretching? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And my mind, too. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's about my mind. | ||
| Because I have the same sort of internal dialogue issues that I'm sure you probably do. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| So I just breathe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dialogue? | |
| That means you have two people in there. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of people in there. | ||
| Mine's a monologue. | ||
| No, there's animals in there. | ||
| There's fucking plants. | ||
| There's all sorts of shit going on there. | ||
| Yeah, there's elves. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff going on in my head. | ||
| It's about keeping it together. | ||
| That's what it's about most of the time. | ||
| I know that that's the next thing. | ||
| I have so many prejudices against yoga. | ||
| You might be the first person. | ||
| I have yet to meet someone who does yoga who's not batshit crazy. | ||
| Or annoying. | ||
| Or annoying! | ||
| Literally, every Whole Foods parking lot is a bunch of people with yoga mats being complete assholes. | ||
| Just because you have a yoga mat doesn't mean you're cool. | ||
| It's fair that I meet someone who does yoga who abides by the principles of yoga at all. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| You can find them. | ||
| It's all like anorexic, unemployed people. | ||
| But it's also where we live. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| We live in a place where everybody's trying to reinvent themselves or pretend to be something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They create this false narrative. | ||
| That's... | ||
| That's a giant part of why we're here. | ||
| We're in this, like, magnet, okay? | ||
| This Hollywood attention magnet. | ||
| And all these metal filings, these people that just so desperately want to be special, they come to this place. | ||
| And if they don't feel like they're special, they go, well, that guy seems special. | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| Well, he's wearing wooden beads and he likes yoga. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| That's what I'm doing. | ||
| Namaste. | ||
| I'm doing, you know, I'm eating tofu. | ||
| I don't even, I don't, you know, no animals were harmed. | ||
| Yes, it's commodified. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I also am like at this place, and I don't know where you are on this, I'm like on self-improvement overwhelm. | ||
| So it's like, by the time I do all the things I need to do to improve myself, it's like 4.30. | ||
| By the time you go to like therapy and work out and meditate and yoga, it's like I don't even have time to, it's a full-time job to try to take care of yourself. | ||
| It's definitely a full-time job if you do it right, and that's why it's really hard for people that have full-time jobs to take care of themselves. | ||
| You find it overwhelming. | ||
| You get out of shape. | ||
| You get tired. | ||
| You can't indulge in hobbies. | ||
| If you're a full-time job and you have a family, and God forbid you're behind on your bills, so then you have to work overtime or pick up a second job, and fucking Christ. | ||
| It's a luxury to not be crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's a luxury to not have body trauma and to hurt yourself. | ||
| It's like, I go to this woman who helps me cry. | ||
| What? | ||
| You go to a woman to help you cry? | ||
| I'll fucking help you cry. | ||
| See, I just figured out what was wrong with me. | ||
| I thought that was hot. | ||
| I just learned everything I need to know about myself. | ||
| I failed that Rorschach test. | ||
| Um, she, um, her whole thing is that you, um, you're basically, your body's a blueprint to everything that ever happened to you. | ||
| And as a kid, all the trauma and emotions that you repressed are like held in your muscles. | ||
| And because of our bodies react faster than our brains, is that true to something? | ||
| That if as a kid, if I was abused and I used to do this, I'm flinching for those of you listening, uh, as an adult, if I flinch at something, all of a sudden it's going to signal my hippocampus. | ||
| The amygdala tells my hippocampus something bad is happening, even if it's not. | ||
| Are you overthinking shit? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| You go to a chick to make you cry? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Just go for a jog. | ||
| I never cried until I was like 27. What? | ||
| I never cried. | ||
| I never. | ||
| So I have all this like... | ||
| It's the bane of my existence. | ||
| I've always been a crier. | ||
| No, that's why you're healthy and it's release. | ||
| Crying is a solution, not a problem. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't cry about shit with me though. | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| Shit that happens to me doesn't make me cry. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| See what happens to other people. | ||
| Other people's tragedies and bad, and even sometimes positive things make me cry. | ||
| That's healthy. | ||
| I learned that crying is a weakness, and you're not allowed to cry, and if you do cry, you're going to attract attention of dangerous people who are just going to make things worse, so just pretend like everything's fine. | ||
| Well, I think that whatever crying is, this overwhelming emotion, that is also like horsepower. | ||
| That overwhelming emotion when it's manifested itself or when it's manifested in a positive way or when you turn it on and use it in some way. | ||
| As fuel for something else. | ||
| When someone says to you, this is like your thing, right? | ||
| That you're a lot. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| What they're saying is. | ||
| I mean, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable because you're insecure, because you have this self-judging thing, what that is is you got a lot of fucking horsepower. | ||
| There's a lot of shit going on. | ||
| So when you funnel that stuff into something, you can achieve spectacular results in that a lot of people that are like... | ||
| They're dull or there's not much going on there. | ||
| They can't do that. | ||
| And that's the difference. | ||
| It will overwhelm you in a negative way. | ||
| It'll fucking burn your house down if you don't control it. | ||
| But whatever it is, when you focus in on something, you can do some shit that other people can't do. | ||
| But then it's this balancing act of trying to keep this fucking tiger under control. | ||
| And that tiger is your mind, your emotions, your being, whatever the fuck you are. | ||
| And some people just have more of it. | ||
| There's some people that are just more. | ||
| And I wonder if you're, and I'm interested in your take on this, is that I wonder if, because I was very nervous when I decided, okay, I'm going to heal my, I'm going to fix all these invisible wounds, I'm going to fix all this brokenness, of like, will I still be funny? | ||
| Will I still be ambitious? | ||
| Oh, I used to have a real problem with that when I was young. | ||
| What if I get mentally healthy? | ||
| Will I still be funny? | ||
| I still need to tap dance for people. | ||
| When I was in my early 20s, there was always the concept that I would always chase as a martial artist, chase this concept of enlightenment, this unachievable goal of being in complete, total control of your mind, being present at all times, and being just absent of weakness. | ||
| You fix yourself. | ||
| You get to this point where you're operating in this pure zen state in competition. | ||
| That's what I chased all throughout my youth and all through my teenage years up until I started doing comedy. | ||
| And then when I started doing comedy, I was at this weird place where I was like, I shouldn't try to meditate and I shouldn't try to calm myself because I should be kind of fucked up because that's all the great ones, like whether it was Pryor or Kinison, they were all fucked up. | ||
| Lenny Bruce, we're all fucked up. | ||
| But imagine how great Pryor would have been if he was a little more sober. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Or imagine how long, who knows? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I was like, okay, I cannot, I mean, I'm killing myself with this. | ||
| Like, I can't live this way anymore. | ||
| And if I'm only doing comedy because I'm fucked up, I probably shouldn't be doing comedy. | ||
| Well, that's the crutch that Scott Whelan's wife was talking about. | ||
| Glorifying tragedy and glorifying illness. | ||
| Addiction. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially that fucking drug. | ||
| God damn it, I hate that drug. | ||
| That's so fucking 90s. | ||
| So scary, but it's not. | ||
| It's 2015 now because all the people that are addicted to pills. | ||
| Anthony Bourdain did a show recently about Massachusetts, and one of the things that they were talking about in the Massachusetts show of his show... | ||
| Parts Unown. | ||
| He was talking about these people, they were interviewing, because Anthony had a serious heroin problem when he was younger, and he was talking about all these people that became addicted to heroin because they got on pills, and it was so easy to get, and then they were prescribing them like fucking crazy. | ||
| When I got my nose fixed, my doctor prescribed me two different opioids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| And I didn't take any of it. | ||
| I was like, my nose doesn't even hurt, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was like mildly uncomfortable once it was done. | ||
| But they get that addiction and then they change the laws and made it much more difficult to get the pills. | ||
| And then people got desperate because they were addicted and they needed it. | ||
| And then they went to heroin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they were talking about this overwhelming heroin issue in Western Massachusetts. | ||
| I guess a lot of parts of our country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, just the more I learn about addiction, the more scared I get because a lot of it is genetic, too. | ||
| You know, they say genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger for drugs, you know? | ||
| So I know that's in my genetics. | ||
| That's a tattoo. | ||
| Someone has other ribs. | ||
| Some really hot girl who I met on med dates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| And I know that... | ||
| Because I am an addict. | ||
| My drug is not substances. | ||
| My drug is control and work and adrenaline. | ||
| Because adrenaline is an addictive substance and you can get addicted to adrenaline in utero. | ||
| If your mother is under stress, it's called epigenetic imprinting. | ||
| Whatever chemicals that your mother is producing in utero. | ||
| So if your mother in utero is producing adrenaline and cortisol, you're going to get addicted to that very young. | ||
| So I was an adrenaline addict when I was out of the gate. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Michael Irvin was telling me that. | ||
| Michael Irvin was telling me about the problem with young kids that were raised in really... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Horrible environments, violence and crime. | ||
| Constantly in fight mode and flight mode. | ||
| When you're around violence all the time, your body just becomes engineered to handle that from the womb. | ||
| Yes, and I found that I, and this is sort of what half of what I'm in recovery for, is that I found that I felt very comfortable in dangerous situations and in completely benign situations felt fear. | ||
| Do you think that's because in dangerous situations, it's like the circumstances are already laid out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Familiar. | |
| I know how to handle this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Drug addict, someone being abusive, violent. | ||
| This is my comfort zone. | ||
| This is giving me the adrenaline quota that I need. | ||
| This is what I'm designed for. | ||
| I'm in the ring. | ||
| I only know how to live with my gloves on. | ||
| When the gloves are off, that's when I get concerned because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. | ||
| And then you're also in your own head and like spiraling out of control. | ||
| What's wrong with my eyebrows? | ||
| Hypervigilant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha! | |
| Hyper-vigilant, you know, and because in my home growing up, silence meant it's the calm before the storm. | ||
| If things were calm, it meant someone's about to come home drunk, shit's about to hit the fan, so it's very hard for me to relax, which is probably why yoga is hard for me, because it's like, when's the other shoe gonna drop? | ||
| You know what's interesting? | ||
| PTSD is a huge problem with soldiers, but I talked to a lot of guys that were Special Forces guys, like Special Ops, whether Rangers or Green Berets or Navy SEALs. | ||
| They don't have nearly as much of a problem because they're the antagonists. | ||
| Yes, they create the drama. | ||
| They're the active guys. | ||
| They're going out. | ||
| They're in control. | ||
| They're going out and they're hunting down people. | ||
| Whereas the guys who are sitting around waiting to be attacked, those are the ones that are freaking out. | ||
| Predators versus prey. | ||
| The ones who are stationed in a place and they're being attacked all the time. | ||
| Those guys get rattled. | ||
| I would also be fascinated in the Special Forces. | ||
| A couple things that interest me about them is that, number one, the ones that have the most PTSD and depression when they come home are the ones that didn't kill anyone because they feel guilt and shame. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep, that they didn't kill anyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yes. | ||
| There's this, I'll send it to you. | ||
| I dated a guy who was really into SEALs and made a movie about Navy SEALs and stuff. | ||
| And then, so they probably, because they're, again, like the perpetrators, like you said, And I would imagine, I'm curious if it's chicken or an egg, the guys that end up being Navy SEALs, if they're, I don't want to say sociopathic, that's being extreme, but like if they became SEALs because they have less, they're less sensitive. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because the guys that make it aren't always the toughest and the biggest and the strongest and the fastest. | ||
| It's the most emotionally tough. | ||
| So if you become a SEAL, are you already predisposed to be less traumatized? | ||
| Well, that's the case with a lot of fighters as well. | ||
| There's a lot of really physically talented guys that never make it. | ||
| They fall apart emotionally, and they fall apart mentally, and they can never achieve greatness. | ||
| They get real fucking close. | ||
| And there's these guys that you would call gym legends, where in the gym, when there's no stakes, it's not difficult, they fucking shine. | ||
| They look fantastic. | ||
| It's like people, actors who are good at auditions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some are, some aren't. | ||
| Some are good with this weird, inauthentic thing and they have to perform. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Comics who are hilarious in the parking lot and bomb on stage. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you think that... | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| Do you think that it is a level of... | ||
| I mean, I've been around... | ||
| You've been around more athletes than I have, but what I... Having dated a couple athletes, there's this disconnect, this lack of empathy and, dare I say, narcissism that I don't know must work for them. | ||
| In order to become an elite athlete, I would imagine you have to have a healthy level of narcissism and ego. | ||
| I think there's probably something in that. | ||
| I think ego and athletes, it's so hand-in-hand, especially with pro athletes. | ||
| It's so hand-in-hand that you've got to think, man, there's got to be some sort of a connection there. | ||
| You have to be delusional on some level, don't you? | ||
| In a lot of ways, yeah. | ||
| I'm invincible. | ||
| But here's where it gets interesting. | ||
| With fighters, it's not the case. | ||
| The best fighters almost have sort of a zen ability to block all that bullshit out. | ||
| They have a belief in themselves, But they have a zen ability to block all that shit out, and that's why they're some of the most friendly people. | ||
| Some of the best fighters are some of the nicest people. | ||
| Anderson Silva is one of the fucking nicest guys you'll ever meet. | ||
| He's so friendly and sweet. | ||
| He's always hugging people and smiling and laughing, and he was a fucking murderer when he was the champ. | ||
| He was one of the best ever. | ||
| I could go down the list of some of the best guys. | ||
| Frankie Edgar is one of the best Featherweight's in the world. | ||
| Used to be lightweight. | ||
| Just like Sweetheart. | ||
| The fucking nicest guy. | ||
| He's so nice and he's a fucking assassin inside the octagon. | ||
| I knew one boxer person from the, I don't know anything about this field, but my ex had a boxing gym who had, I think it was Canelo. | ||
| Canelo Alvarez? | ||
| And he doesn't watch horror movies or only watches like Will Ferrell, like Sweet. | ||
| Like, you know, doesn't allow negativity in his brain. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| At all because negativity breeds negativity and paranoia and he doesn't even want to strengthen the part of your brain that even goes there. | ||
| You know what fucks with a lot of fighters? | ||
| Social media. | ||
| I can't even imagine. | ||
| I can't even imagine. | ||
| They go on these message boards and these people calling them pussies and faggots. | ||
| But does that work for or against you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Against them. | |
| Could you use that as fuel or do you... | ||
| Most of them against them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most of them against, because they're dealing with their own fears constantly, so they don't want more. | ||
| Like, what you are and who you are is in some ways defined by what you believe. | ||
| And if you are insecure and then that insecurity gets reinforced by other people calling you a loser, you know, that guy fucking chokes, I'm a choker, shit! | ||
| You know, and then you get in there and you're like, fuck, am I a choker? | ||
| And that's in your head, yeah, and it's strength in a neural pathway. | ||
| I work with this therapist. | ||
| She's like a trauma therapist. | ||
| And when I was going through a really bad breakup, I was not allowed to talk. | ||
| What?! | ||
| I swear you're gonna like this. | ||
| You're not allowed to talk? | ||
| I was not allowed to mention the person for 90 days so that we weaken the neural pathway of even thinking about the person. | ||
| So you're strengthening... | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah, you're strengthening neural pathways when you think, like, when you read tweets about you suck and you're an idiot and whatever. | ||
| Reconnecting those ideas in your head. | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| And then it's like the same way you quit coffee. | ||
| It takes 28 days to create a new habit, right? | ||
| Because that's how long it takes to develop a neural pathway. | ||
| I thought it was 90. I think it's 28 for a new neural pathway. | ||
| 90 for, I don't know. | ||
| For habits. | ||
| You probably know more about this than I do. | ||
| I think habit, well I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it depends on the habit. | ||
| Obviously we're both saying I think. | ||
| So neither one of us fucking know what we're talking about. | ||
| Someone Google it and hit us up. | ||
| I think I saw on Twitter. | ||
| I read. | ||
| Someone's Facebook. | ||
| Call Neil deGrasse Tyson. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| To fact check our podcast. | ||
| But I know that 28 days is the minimum for rehab because of that. | ||
| But 90 is really when it really matters. | ||
| Well, it makes sense that there's pathways for sure because it's one of the hardest things for people to break is habits. | ||
| And it's also one of the best ways to develop new creative thoughts is to do new things. | ||
| Take yourself completely out of your habits, out of your environment, out of your comfort zone. | ||
| This is when I'm trying to write something new, I'll rearrange the furniture in my house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a great move. | ||
| It's a new, like the couch is in it, it just gets your brain thinking outside of... | ||
| I like to go places. | ||
| Oh, that's smart. | ||
| I go places, and sometimes I go places, like I'll be in my car, I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna fucking drive somewhere I've never been before, and just get out of my car. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Just go somewhere. | ||
| I think it's good to just be in a place that you're not used to. | ||
| To just mix up your brain. | ||
| You get new perfume. | ||
| This sounds dorky, but I know that sounds crazy, but new smells, new colors, new everything. | ||
| So I won't wear black when I write. | ||
| I know that's so stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It might just be superstition. | ||
| You don't wear black when you write? | ||
| No, I try to wear colors because it stimulates different parts of your brain. | ||
| Different colors, music, smells, candles. | ||
| If I'm starting a new script, I'll have new candles, sage, like stuff that just like stimulates your brain. | ||
| You know, Benicio Del Toro? | ||
| I'm interested. | ||
| I'm listening. | ||
| Oh, no, not Benicio. | ||
| Call me. | ||
| He's the actor. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was like... | ||
| I know, that did seem very random. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucked up. | |
| Guillermo Del Toro. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| So it's a fat, ugly guy. | ||
| So don't have the same thoughts. | ||
| But he's very creative. | ||
| And he... | ||
| Was doing this thing where he took this camera crew and a tour of where he writes. | ||
| And he's a horror writer. | ||
| So his office is filled with all these weird trinkets and objects and statues and books and all this cool shit. | ||
| And the reason being is that he has designed this area, this creative space, to sort of stimulate his imagination. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| What do you do when you sit down and write? | ||
| What's your process? | ||
| Smokin' the weed! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get so high I'm scared I'm gonna die! | |
| That's what I do. | ||
| But I write sober, too. | ||
| But I like to write so high that I feel like I have to get the words out before they slip away. | ||
| Oh, that's smart. | ||
| Well, it's like what you do on stage when you dig a hole for yourself. | ||
| Sort of, but obviously there's not as much pressure when you're writing. | ||
| But I feel like when I'm writing, I like to get outside of my own comfort, my own control. | ||
| That's the thing that freaks people out most about pot is the paranoia. | ||
| What do you do, sativa or indica? | ||
| I do both, but I like sativa. | ||
| But do you pick one for hanging versus working? | ||
| I just like pot. | ||
| We noticed! | ||
| Are you investing in a weed thing? | ||
| There's something going on right now. | ||
| I'll talk to you about it offstage. | ||
| Pyramid scheme? | ||
| No, how dare you? | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| I think there's probably benefits to both, to sativa and indica. | ||
| Like indica is better for sex. | ||
| It's better for food. | ||
| It's better for relaxing. | ||
| Sativa is, I think, probably a little bit better for creativity, but sometimes it's not. | ||
| Sometimes indica is great. | ||
| They're both good. | ||
| There's not that much of a difference in the effect. | ||
| There's differences, but both of them have very similar creative enhancing effects, at least to me. | ||
| I'm convinced that everybody has a different reaction to it, because I've explained my reaction to marijuana to other people, and they're like, what? | ||
| And then alcohol, too. | ||
| But you also have to be as smart as you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And creative and driven and et cetera, et cetera. | ||
| Well, I think alcohol, too. | ||
| Like, I've talked to people that get, like, I know people that get angry and mean on alcohol. | ||
| Like, they want to go out and get in fights. | ||
| Do you think that that's who they really are? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Do you think that, like, the truth comes out when you drink? | ||
| Maybe, but I know people that drink and their fucking eyes turn like hamster eyes. | ||
| They gloss over. | ||
| They're not even there anymore. | ||
| Something happened to me the day I turned 30 where I could not drink tequila anymore. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The day I turned 30, it was like I was having a dinner. | ||
| It was like a birthday or something. | ||
| It was at Chateau Marmont. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| Someone sent over, someone I kind of knew, sent over tequila, and he was like, I bet you can't do more shots tequila than I can. | ||
| Was it Bill Cosby? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was Bill Cosby! | |
| The day. | ||
| The day I woke up with my underwear around my neck. | ||
| I'm so insulted that he didn't try to rape me, but that's another story. | ||
| Same thing with Craig Shoemaker. | ||
| Everyone's like, oh, did I just hit on you? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| And now I feel bad. | ||
| And so sent over shots, and I'm competitive, so I was like, I will crush you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I woke up in my bed fully clothed, looked at my phone, 80 missed text messages, did you go home with John Mayer? | ||
| And I was like, I'm never drinking tequila again. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 80 of them. | ||
| When you get a did you go home with John Mayer, Is it from a guy or a girl? | ||
| It was from, oh, tons of guys. | ||
| It was a whole staff I was working with, so it was like 30 people texting me, you're not going home with John Mayer, we're not going to let you go home. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| How dare a bunch of cockblockers. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're hanging out with a bunch of cockblockers. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That's what I would say. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's not like you're going home with fucking Ted Bundy. | ||
| I would do anything for John Mayer to want to date me for two months. | ||
| Two months? | ||
| That's what you look for? | ||
| Spit you out, but don't spit on you. | ||
| It's a pretty good... | ||
| No, spit on me. | ||
| Spit you out. | ||
| Spit my whole entity out. | ||
| The entity. | ||
| You're putting a lot of it out there. | ||
| You're looking for, yeah, Seth MacFarlane. | ||
| Seth MacFarlane. | ||
| John Mayer. | ||
| Guillermo del Toro. | ||
| No, Benicio. | ||
| Benicio. | ||
| Benicio, who else? | ||
| The guy with the ponytail who dates rich girls? | ||
| You don't want to get the fat Benicio Del Toro from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. | ||
| No, I want to get the Wolfman. | ||
| Yes, the Wolfman. | ||
| Did you watch that movie? | ||
| No, was it good? | ||
| I watched it a bunch of times. | ||
| I'm a fan of werewolves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's a terrible movie. | ||
| Shitty movie. | ||
| But I watch in the background sometimes when I write. | ||
| So you have movies that you have in the background when you write? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| You have specific go-to movies? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes I like putting images playing in the background and then I don't have the sound on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about music? | |
| Sometimes I have music, sometimes no music. | ||
| And then do you meditate before or after you write or during? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Sometimes I'm about to go in the tank, like sometimes I'll get high, and I'm thinking I'm going to go in the isolation tank, and then I decide to just start writing, and I can't stop. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I sit down, and the writing just says... | ||
| It just comes out of you. | ||
| That's fantastic. | ||
| I remember... | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes it's a bunch of bullshit. | ||
| I go back and read it. | ||
| Garbage. | ||
| You're like, fucking hell. | ||
| Nonsense is this. | ||
| I can't do anything with this. | ||
| Send this to fucking Carrot Top. | ||
| I mean, there are sometimes. | ||
| I'm just like, I'm the worst person. | ||
| But that's how it is. | ||
| You're mining. | ||
| You're chipping away at the rock and occasionally you find gold in there. | ||
| And then something I think Johnny Carson said is that B jokes that we would never do on stage that we write that are like B jokes that don't deserve to be on stage said extemporaneously are A jokes. | ||
| So you just have this arsenal now of if there's a heckler, like some joke that I wrote that never would make it to stage, if I just do it, quote, seemingly off the cuff, it's all of a sudden an A-joke. | ||
| There's definitely some of that. | ||
| Or on a podcast. | ||
| You're always going to use everything you write. | ||
| Sometimes, yeah. | ||
| And then sometimes jokes are like seeds and they give birth to a new idea. | ||
| Like maybe it'll be just a tagline or a new branch that you follow and that new branch will be better than the original premise in the first place. | ||
| You're totally right. | ||
| I have since my first special, I just did my third, and I was trying to write about squirting in the first one. | ||
| Couldn't get it. | ||
| Didn't get it. | ||
| Second one, couldn't get it. | ||
| Couldn't figure it out. | ||
| The third one, I have 25 minutes of squirting on my new special. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Outstanding. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It hit. | ||
| It was the right time. | ||
| It was like getting zeitgeisty in porn. | ||
| I just had to wait for more to be revealed. | ||
| The world is ready for squirting. | ||
| It was premature. | ||
| The world is ready for squirting. | ||
| Do you believe squirting is real? | ||
| You're going to have to watch my special, guys. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll watch your special. | ||
| I don't want to ask you to... | ||
| As my gynecologist says, I'm not just being defensive because I can't do it. | ||
| I mean, I tried to do it myself, and I peed all over myself. | ||
| But I did. | ||
| I did it in my bathtub, and I peed all over myself. | ||
| Well, someone had a good point. | ||
| I forget who it was. | ||
| But, like, how is it possible that that didn't exist until, like, a few years ago in porn? | ||
| It's always... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not possible. | |
| You know the women in porn use water balloons and stuff. | ||
| The ones that are, like... | ||
| And they pee. | ||
| The Bellagio fountain, that is not real. | ||
| No, none of it's real. | ||
| But you can... | ||
| At least 10% of it is always urine. | ||
| You're getting peed on. | ||
| At least. | ||
| At least 10% is always urine. | ||
| You're getting paid on. | ||
| If you're into that, cool. | ||
| But yeah, I feel I don't like that there's a lot of these new sexual things that make me feel bad. | ||
| And guys watch so much porn and become so desensitized that all of a sudden if I can't squirt water across the room, I'm not good at fucking. | ||
| Why do I feel bad? | ||
| I'm awesome at this, goddammit. | ||
| Why have you made me... | ||
| These Asian women are fucking killing me. | ||
| Is it Asian? | ||
| Asian women are squirting? | ||
| I feel like that's sort of where it started and that sort of... | ||
| You brought this up twice, the Asian subservient thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Asian women. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So that's the ultimate, like, quiet. | ||
| So it's like you view yourself as being like this overbearing sort of force of nature. | ||
| Loud, white, just Viking lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking kicking doors down. | |
| I got extra bones! | ||
| Just like Shrek lady. | ||
| Look at my eyebrows! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then the Asian girls are like, what do you need to do? | ||
| Yes, yes, sir. | ||
| Yes, Mr. Brogan. | ||
| I love you, Mr. Brogan. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| You come on my asshole. | ||
| Yes, anything you want. | ||
| And so, no, I think that a lot of guys, I'm obviously generalizing, but a lot of guys in Hollywood just sort of like dated, married Asian women. | ||
| And I was like, God damn it. | ||
| I wish I was Asian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Well, some women have real issues with that. | ||
| I mean, this girl that I dated, she fucking hated when men would break up with her and then start dating Asian women. | ||
| Yeah, because it's like, okay, I have a giant pussy and I'm too loud. | ||
| That's what it makes you feel like. | ||
| It's like if someone broke up with you and then started dating a black guy, you'd be like, oh, fuck. | ||
| You got to deal with it. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, and you, it's like, you know. | ||
| That's what you want. | ||
| But it's not to say that there aren't plenty of sassy Asian women with opinions. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| That's just the cliche. | ||
| Yeah, it is the cliche though, the subservient cliche, the mail order bride. | ||
| Yes, but I know that so many guys that I know are like super into that. | ||
| Isn't it funny that like a mail order bride is like a serious pejorative, right? | ||
| That's like... | ||
| Yes, the Russian mail order bride. | ||
| Oh, those are dangerous. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Fooled me once. | ||
| But just intense environment they grew up in. | ||
| Russians in general are pretty fucking dangerous. | ||
| But like the mail order bride thing is like, the idea behind it is like negative. | ||
| Like, oh, you had to go search for a mail order bride? | ||
| If there was mail order husband, I would have done it five years ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet there is. | |
| Solve all my problems. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet there is. | |
| You can probably find one. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not going to work. | |
| I feel like it's a.net. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's like a chip and nails dancer. | ||
| After a while, you're going to find out he's gay. | ||
| I think I've dated a gay guy before, too. | ||
| He's got a nice six-pack. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Great. | ||
| I would love to date a gay guy. | ||
| Do you know Shema Tosh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shema has had two ex-husbands that turned out to be gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Her latest one turned out to be gay, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Gay for pay, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| She's hilarious when she tells a story. | ||
| She's like, what the fuck am I attracting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Honey. | |
| Like, how am I doing this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I dated a guy that I'm pretty sure, that everyone told me was gay. | |
| I didn't really care that much. | ||
| Until? | ||
| Until. | ||
| He tasted shit on his nose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he said, bleh! | |
| But he was actually very sexual. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a very fluid time, guys. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| He was an athlete. | ||
| Gender is fluid. | ||
| The concept of gender is fluid. | ||
| It's very fluid. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of MMA guys who are into that, from what I understand. | ||
| I think a lot of fighters, and I want to just say MMA guys, some of them have been abused. | ||
| They come from abusive households, and sometimes that abuse could be sexual abuse. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it could be sexual abuse, obviously, by men, and that could lead to a lot of confusion. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Sexual confusion. | ||
| I would think so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's also, like, I talked to this guy, Chris Ryan, Dr. Chris Ryan. | ||
| He's a good friend of mine. | ||
| He wrote this book, Sex at Dawn, and he's, like, an expert on sex. | ||
| And one of the things he was talking about is imprinting. | ||
| That sometimes when something happens to you at a very early age, even if you're not gay, that those sexual thoughts get imprinted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| And there's something called cathexis, which was explained to me by Chad Presmak. | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| He's the neurologist guy for the Broncos. | ||
| No. | ||
| You would love him. | ||
| He was explaining this thing called cathexis, which is when something traumatic happens. | ||
| So if you're jerking off, let's say, and something horrible happens, you have a positive association with it. | ||
| Plane crashes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Someone was jerking off when 9-11 happened. | ||
| Literally, you're fucked. | ||
| You just have to watch the Twin Towers. | ||
| What are you doing in there, Mike? | ||
| I have to finish. | ||
| I can't stop now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's rebuffering stream. | |
| You gotta go back to old black and white footage just to throw it through. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| So if you have some sort of thing and you're eating as a child to deal with trauma and something bad's happening and then you're releasing dopamine in your brain and it's associating with something negative. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| The eating one is a big one with people that have trauma and they soothe themselves with the food. | ||
| It's instant dopamine. | ||
| It's the fastest kind. | ||
| You don't have to go get to a drug dealer. | ||
| You don't have to fuck someone. | ||
| You don't have to get a hooker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the most socially acceptable form of dopamine. | |
| And you don't have to deal with people while you're doing it. | ||
| You can shut the door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the car. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Jack in the Box. | ||
| I go into grocery stores like I hadn't in a while just because I was working and someone was going to the grocery store for me. | ||
| And recently I'm like, I'm going to go to the grocery store myself. | ||
| I'm going to be a human being and I'm a comedian. | ||
| You don't go to the grocery store for yourself? | ||
| I do, I do, I do. | ||
| But you didn't used to? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Not like when I was doing a couple things working at a time, no. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just in the last year I started going again. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Do you go to the grocery store? | ||
| I never have not. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, my whole life. | ||
| Do you have someone that manages your house? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're such a badass. | ||
| I remember when I wanted to do this documentary, I was doing it with my ex-boyfriend, and then I was like, why am I working with my ex? | ||
| The State of Play documentary, which they're still doing on Calcio Storco and Fear and all that. | ||
| But I'm just not running point on it. | ||
| Why do I bring that? | ||
| Oh, and I said to you, I was like, hey, so can I have HBO call your assistant? | ||
| And you were like, I don't have an assistant. | ||
| I do everything myself. | ||
| And I was just like, that's so fucking badass. | ||
| Well, it's normal. | ||
| It's like a person. | ||
| It's not badass. | ||
| It's just normal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think when I get to a point where I need an assistant, I should back off. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I guess for me, I overextend myself too much, and my luxury is help. | ||
| I don't buy expensive shoes. | ||
| I don't, you know, have a super nice... | ||
| Help is what I... And I don't mean that. | ||
| That sounds so, like... | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| Slave owner-y. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Employees, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, or just like an assistant who like helps me, makes my doctor's appointments and just does my schedule. | ||
| Well, I see people that have like just like a whole industry behind them, like all these people and handlers. | ||
| Too much, too much. | ||
| They have bodyguards they take with them on the road and they bring a personal trainer everywhere. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's too much input. | ||
| There's too much data coming at you. | ||
| And you're being infantilized. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, in a way, but you're enabling more productivity because you're sort of farming out all these tasks. | ||
| But I feel like, for me personally, I value alone time and I value thinking. | ||
| And the only way to do that is to not have obligations. | ||
| You have to have less people that you have to communicate with. | ||
| It's just more people you have to call back. | ||
| But I think for me, I'm so easily distracted and my perfectionism begets procrastination, which begets paralysis. | ||
| So if I'm going to go to the grocery store, it's going to take me three hours. | ||
| If I'm going, and this, and what about this, and this has gluten, and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| If someone else goes, it takes an hour. | ||
| If I go, it's like, and then I'm in this, and then I'm getting a lavender oil, and then this fucking salt, Himalayan salt, fucking light. | ||
| See, I put on the headphones, I listen to a podcast, I put my phone in my pocket, I push the cart around, I smile at people, I throw the vegetables in my cart. | ||
| I have a good old time. | ||
| That's fucking hot. | ||
| Everything's hot to you. | ||
| You need to get laid. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I gotta go take my kids somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, this is ridiculous. | ||
| We're at a quarter to five now. | ||
| We're gonna wrap this up. | ||
| We gotta do this more often. | ||
| Can we do this more often? | ||
| I would like to. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I love you too. | ||
| Such a fan. | ||
| When's your HBO special coming out? | ||
| January 23rd. | ||
| January 23rd? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And what's it called? | ||
| I'm your girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| All right. | ||
| Powerful Whitney Cummings. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not powerful. | ||
| I'm a mess. | ||
| I'm a mess. | ||
| Everybody's powerful. | ||
| Powerful audience. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Love you guys. | ||
| Take care. | ||
| Bye-bye. |
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