Dec. 3, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:59:29
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Yee-haw! | |
| Ha! | ||
| Bert's already got the top off the vodka. | ||
| I'm on a cleanse. | ||
| You're on a cleanse. | ||
| Yeah, dude, I'm down. | ||
| You ready for this? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's a vodka cleanse? | ||
| Well, vodka's clear. | ||
| Oh, it's good for you? | ||
| Yeah, no, it's clear. | ||
| Anything clear. | ||
| That's my... | ||
| I don't know, Joe. | ||
| I'm fucking... | ||
| Clear, like tequila? | ||
| Yeah, tequila's on the cleanse. | ||
| So is meth. | ||
| By the way... | ||
| Meth's pretty clear, right? | ||
| Isn't the good stuff clear? | ||
| Well, good meth, and that's hard to come by these days. | ||
| Everclear? | ||
| That's not good for you, right? | ||
| That's clear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Acid? | |
| Moonshine? | ||
| That's clear. | ||
| You're... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a different approach to a Clintons. | |
| No, I talked to you the other day. | ||
| I was 255.6. | ||
| This is the most hilarious conversation. | ||
| Bert calls. | ||
| He goes, I'm cleaning up my life. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| He goes, I'm too heavy. | ||
| I go, what are you going to do? | ||
| He goes, no more appetizers. | ||
| And he was serious. | ||
| I wasn't joking at all. | ||
| He was serious, like appetizers were what's doing you in. | ||
| Dude, I make it rain appetizers. | ||
| When I sit down, I'm like, I go, first of all, every time, what are your two best appetizers? | ||
| And they're like, yep. | ||
| I go, we want those. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Little taster. | ||
| Here's where the weight gain really came on. | ||
| Anyone that's been working with me knows this. | ||
| I order two meals. | ||
| I order two meals because I like to eat like a king. | ||
| I'm not paying for it. | ||
| You're not paying for it? | ||
| The network's paying for it. | ||
| It's crude dinners. | ||
| So you're assuming all your meals. | ||
| That's how much you work, man. | ||
| You work so much, most of your meals are paid for. | ||
| I haven't paid for a meal in 11 months. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I've been on the road straight for 11 fucking months. | ||
| Dude, nobody I know travels as much as you, other than Bourdain, maybe he's pretty close. | ||
| He travels a fucking dickload, and he goes to like Miramar. | ||
| Well, he goes to horrible places that are like really scary. | ||
| I think that's the reason he left Travel Channel, is that they wouldn't let him go to those places. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No, no, no, I'm almost pretty certain. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because CNN has a different set of insurance, and Travel Channel's insurance doesn't cover like, they're like dangerous, sketchy places. | ||
| Kidnapping type shit. | ||
| It doesn't cover it. | ||
| Like you have to get pretty much your own insurance almost. | ||
| His last episode, he was in the Congo. | ||
| I haven't watched it yet, but I saw the Congo and I was way too high to watch it. | ||
| I was like, no, don't, can't do it. | ||
| No. | ||
| I did a Montana episode with him a couple weeks ago. | ||
| Yeah, we camped out too. | ||
| We did the full Montana experience. | ||
| We went pheasant hunting and then we camped out. | ||
| Hung out by the fire, got lit up. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| So wait, does he drink camping? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, dude, we went hard. | ||
| We went hard boozing, weed, everything. | ||
| We went hard. | ||
| Anthony Bourdain does not fuck around. | ||
| You know what's really incredible? | ||
| That guy's addicted to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| It's like 90% of what he was talking about. | ||
| He just wanted to talk about jiu-jitsu. | ||
| He started when he was like 58 or 57 years old. | ||
| Now he's 59. And he just every day trains. | ||
| He trains when he's on the road. | ||
| He goes to these places like Bozeman, Montana, and he finds like a local group of guys and he goes and rolls with these guys. | ||
| He's a madman. | ||
| Didn't his wife get him into it? | ||
| Yeah, his wife is super into it. | ||
| Super into it. | ||
| She's constantly training. | ||
| I think she trains like twice a day, every day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's good for him, man. | ||
| He looks good. | ||
| He doesn't look like the way he should look. | ||
| He's one of the canaries in the mine. | ||
| Yeah, he looks a lot better than he looked just a few years ago. | ||
| Is he still smoking cigarettes? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He stopped when his daughter was born. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Except for the occasional one. | ||
| He'll cheat, you know, I think. | ||
| But I don't even think he does that anymore now that he's doing jujitsu. | ||
| I'm sure he does. | ||
| You know what happens with the jiu-jitsu world, with the lifestyle, is you get, those become your new friends. | ||
| Like those become like, and it becomes like a jiu-jitsu family. | ||
| And like they understand you more than other people understand you because they've choked you. | ||
| You know, and you've gone to battle together. | ||
| There is an intimacy when someone chokes you out. | ||
| Like a bizarre like, I held you in my hand. | ||
| I could have let go of you and I decided to keep you. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| There's definitely something there. | ||
| And then it also makes regular life seem kind of boring. | ||
| So they just get engulfed into that world. | ||
| And some people, they wind up doing that to the point of that becomes their job. | ||
| They wind up teaching it. | ||
| I know a lot of people have left lucrative careers because they decided they wanted to start teaching jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You know, they just got into it a lot. | ||
| They were doing it. | ||
| They started teaching private lessons. | ||
| And then they just downsized and started doing jujitsu. | ||
| They're like, this is just so much more fun than being some guy trying to climb the corporate ladder. | ||
| Is there, um, I know that in like most martial arts there's like a spiritual message. | ||
| Is there any like kind of spiritual guidelines through jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Well, there are in different schools, you know, depending on who's teaching you and how they approach it. | ||
| But there's overall in the art of jiu-jitsu, and I call it an art because it really is an art. | ||
| It's like there's techniques and it's a martial art. | ||
| It's the most... | ||
| It's the most martial or the most art of martial arts, in my opinion, because it's the most open to creativity. | ||
| Guys like Eddie Bravo is the best example of that because he's such a creative guy. | ||
| He's invented so many moves and so many transitions and pathways, named them, and they're really unique. | ||
| So if you roll with him, you literally don't know what he's doing. | ||
| If you roll with a standard jujitsu guy, even if you're really good, there's certain guys like a Hicks and Gracie, for example, who does the basics, all of the basics of jujitsu, but does them to a level of mastery that you cannot comprehend until you train with him. | ||
| And when you train with him, you'll just go, all that other stuff is nonsense. | ||
| You just need straight jiu-jitsu, you know, from the mothership, from Elio Gracie and Carlos Gracie. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| Just razor sharp that shit. | ||
| Hodger Gracie is like that. | ||
| Henzo's like that. | ||
| They mostly just do the basics, but to a level of mastery that's incomprehensible to the average person. | ||
| But then there's a bunch of guys that are super creative. | ||
| Jeff Glover, the guy that we were talking about the other day, he's one of them. | ||
| Bravo, Eddie Bravo's one of them, of course. | ||
| And there's a bunch of other guys out there, too. | ||
| Eddie Cummins, who's a student of this guy, John Donaher, who's probably the most creative of all the teachers, or one of the most creative, next to Eddie. | ||
| And he's got this crazy leg lock game that they're all learning. | ||
| So they're all learning this super complicated leg lock game from this guy who was a philosophy PhD major. | ||
| That's what he was doing. | ||
| He was, like, studying philosophy and working as a bouncer. | ||
| And he got into jiu-jitsu because he wanted to learn how to defend himself because all these fights would happen when people were drunk. | ||
| And then he just became obsessed with jiu-jitsu. | ||
| And now he's, like, one of the most sought-after jiu-jitsu coaches in the world. | ||
| Like, George St. Pierre used to use him, and he teaches at Henzo Gracie's Academy in New York. | ||
| So it's like there's, like, this real underground... | ||
| Like, it's not what everybody thinks it is. | ||
| People think of it as being, like, meatheads and, like, these, like, really muscled-up dudes with tattoos on their necks. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| There's a lot of those guys in there, too. | ||
| But what it really is is this crazy problem-solving game that's going on that everybody's playing with their body. | ||
| This is going to sound like a really silly question, but if... | ||
| Like if you, say Eddie Bravo, say you picked a fight with Eddie Bravo and he was forced to kick your ass, would there be at some point when you woke up the next day that you'd remember something he did to you artistically and be like, damn, that was beautiful. | ||
| Well, yeah, if we would spar, Eddie would do shit to me, and I would go, how'd you set that up? | ||
| What did I do wrong? | ||
| And, like, he's always teaching. | ||
| Like, he doesn't hide anything from his students. | ||
| He's always trying to get them so that they tap him. | ||
| Like, he gets tapped by his students, but he considers it a good thing. | ||
| It's like, I taught this guy so well that he can get me. | ||
| But you need that if you don't have that. | ||
| It's like, don't you agree that... | ||
| As stand-up comedians, we need to be around killers. | ||
| Like, you need to be around Diaz, you need to be around guys like Burr. | ||
| Like, when you're around all these killers, it makes you up your game. | ||
| I told you that the day after we were all at the Comedy Store, and you had the joke about Bruce Jenner, the gargoyle. | ||
| And I'm fucking howling in the back. | ||
| And I don't know if I told you this part, but I will tell you right now. | ||
| And then I went up in between you and Burr, and Burr went up after me and just seamlessly destroyed. | ||
| And then you went up and just seamlessly destroyed after him. | ||
| And I woke up the next morning, and I told Leanne, I said, I'm fucking bummed. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| I'm not writing the way these guys are writing. | ||
| I feel like I'm slow. | ||
| I feel clumsy on stage. | ||
| I feel like I should... | ||
| And then Liam was like, hold on, hold on. | ||
| You're talking about Joe and Bill, two of the best comedians in the world. | ||
| So don't hold yourself to that standard, but use that inspiration by watching the best to say to yourself, well, fuck, I can be better, if that's what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, well, I always feel like that. | ||
| You always got to feel like you could be better, right? | ||
| I mean, I kind of always do. | ||
| Those low-level cunts who come out of a club and they're like, bro, just lit that room on fucking fire. | ||
| And you're like, I don't know what fight you saw, but I saw you get kind of fucking up against the ropes. | ||
| Like, New York was, when I was there, was filled with that. | ||
| Guys that walk out, fucking destroy that shit. | ||
| In the beginning, I think that's like a defense mechanism that guys put on. | ||
| If you talk to most comics, most comics are not happy with their act. | ||
| Do you think? | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| People that are good. | ||
| People that are good. | ||
| Yeah, there's always like these moments where you're like, God, I gotta fix this. | ||
| I gotta tighten that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta... | |
| It's the guys that are like super confident about, oh, my act's perfect right now. | ||
| Like, your act's dog shit. | ||
| You know, that's like... | ||
| It's just a... | ||
| There's a high level of scrutiny that you have to give yourself and give what you're doing. | ||
| There's a lot of bits that just don't ever work. | ||
| You've got to eventually throw them in the garbage. | ||
| You're like, God damn it, there's something in here. | ||
| And you just hammer at it and try to turn it into a sword. | ||
| But nope, it's just a ladle. | ||
| It's a ladle. | ||
| It's going to stay a ladle. | ||
| It just never works. | ||
| It's just a stupid thing that you very rarely use. | ||
| And it just might have worked a couple of times on stage in certain places. | ||
| But it's just, you can't figure out the transition. | ||
| And then there's other bits that you pilfer. | ||
| You take chunks of them and you create other bits with them and it turns out that they're a better mine than they are like an entity. | ||
| They're better for mining ideas. | ||
| That's how that happens all the time. | ||
| We have a bit and you're into the bit, but it turns out the best part about it is like a side thing. | ||
| Like a little side path that you take while you're creating it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I like it more than I've ever liked it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stand up. | |
| More than ever. | ||
| It's so much fun, man. | ||
| You know, especially, like, right now, because it's a year after my last special, and I have, like, a full set now, and now I'm just trying to make it good and trying to add to it and cut away from it. | ||
| But it's like I'm working with, you know, a full hour, 20 minutes of new stuff. | ||
| So it's all... | ||
| I pretty much have... | ||
| What I need to turn into a weapon now. | ||
| Now I have to hone it and sharpen it. | ||
| It's super exciting, man, because it's nerve-wracking. | ||
| You're doing a lot of sets and you're fucking around in different places. | ||
| I've never been more excited about it. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| I'm not the opposite of you, but I have a hard time. | ||
| I like the fucking of creativity. | ||
| I like the fucking of impulse. | ||
| I don't like to be in a relationship with creativity. | ||
| I like the moment where you get an idea, you meet it at the bar, and you fucking take it home, and you fuck it up against a wall, and then you walk out and you're like, I'll never call that idea again. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| So you mean like in the moment? | ||
| Like on a show? | ||
| Like improvisation? | ||
| Is that what you mean? | ||
| Yeah, I love when you come up with that idea, and I walk away. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I used to call it the angel share. | ||
| It wasn't a bit. | ||
| It just happened. | ||
| Or what happens to me a lot of times, I'll come up with a bit, and I'll fuck it one night. | ||
| I won't make a relationship out of it, and then I'll just use it. | ||
| I'll be like, okay, I don't want to fuck with that. | ||
| I'm bored. | ||
| I want the new next thing. | ||
| I'm a commitment-phobe with material. | ||
| I tear through material so quickly that I just go like... | ||
| And maybe it's because it's not that good, or maybe it's because I'm not focusing on it, but I don't really have a lot of the passion to focus on it and literally toil with a bit. | ||
| Like, I get really kind of disconnected sometimes on stage. | ||
| Like, I tell the machine story now, and the second I say when I was 22 years old, I fucking feel a weight on my shoulders. | ||
| Like, fuck, this is 12 minutes. | ||
| We were talking about this the other day. | ||
| Like, you should just get that on a video. | ||
| Like, get that and put it on a Netflix thing or something, and then just release it so you don't have to do it anymore. | ||
| Yeah, we're negotiating that. | ||
| What you talked about I brought up. | ||
| Yeah, and if you do that, man, then maybe a year from now, someone will ask me, tell me the machine! | ||
| And I'll be inspired. | ||
| Yeah, it'll still be fun. | ||
| But yeah, you can tell a story, even a great story like that story. | ||
| You can tell it too many times and it just goes away from you. | ||
| It doesn't mean anything. | ||
| The noises. | ||
| It's like, you know, if you ever say fuck around your grandma, it's like, whoa! | ||
| It sounds so harsh, you know? | ||
| Like, oh my god, you know? | ||
| But if you say fuck to us, we say fuck around each other so often, it's just like the, or and, or but. | ||
| It's just normal. | ||
| There's no unusual registration of it, you know? | ||
| I think that's the same thing with a story. | ||
| If you tell a story so much that it doesn't register anymore, even though if you heard it for the first time, you'd be like, what? | ||
| Like, the first time you told me that story, I was like, what? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| It's filled with, no! | ||
| It's a chaos-filled story. | ||
| It's an awesome story. | ||
| But if you, you know, you fuck it too many times. | ||
| Yeah, that's where I'm at right now. | ||
| You get bored, right? | ||
| It's just a Chechen whore in a fucking tent. | ||
| And fucking miners are just running trains on it. | ||
| Cigarette breath. | ||
| Come on, you want to fuck one more thing? | ||
| Come on, machine. | ||
| You show me. | ||
| You show me. | ||
| You have to change oil? | ||
| There is a great moment, though, when you tell that story, and I have no passion about telling it, but I tell it, and then this couple that doesn't seem like they'd ever like me just come out, and they're like, that was fucking amazing! | ||
| And you're like, you forget exactly, Daniel Tosh told me this, he goes, you have no idea how many people don't know who you are. | ||
| Like, the concept of, like, you think... | ||
| Everyone's heard the story. | ||
| Everyone's heard the story. | ||
| Fucking, I would say, at least 80% of every room I sell out, or I sell, or I sell, you know, in a club, hasn't heard me. | ||
| Like, hasn't heard that story, at least. | ||
| Live. | ||
| Well, you gotta think about how many people there are to listen to nowadays, too. | ||
| You know, like, for them to know, even if they catch one of your podcasts, like, you've been on this podcast, what, six, seven times? | ||
| Even if they catch one of them, it might not have the machine story in it. | ||
| So they might think you're the best, and they don't even know that story. | ||
| I met a guy on a plane going to Japan who's a fucking massive fan. | ||
| He had the shirt on, and this is how fucking disconnected I am with life sometimes. | ||
| I just see the JRE shirt, and I'm like, I'll walk by him slow, and he'll be like, Machine! | ||
| Like, in my head. | ||
| I really thought that. | ||
| That's ego. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I'll be honest. | ||
| And I contacted the guy and the guy goes, hi. | ||
| And I was like, hey. | ||
| And you look like a bear. | ||
| You look like a big gay bear. | ||
| And we're on a fucking 13 hour flight. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| I've been targeted. | ||
| I'm like, hey. | ||
| He's like, hey. | ||
| And then I'm like, and then I did it like twice. | ||
| I was like, wait, maybe I just got to do my laugh. | ||
| I'm like, oh, or whatever. | ||
| No. | ||
| But no, but in my head, I'm like, I'm like, this is. | ||
| Sober or drunk? | ||
| Fucking drunk, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe I should do my laugh. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And so then, finally, on the third walk-by, I'm like, hey man, Rogan Experience. | ||
| And he's like, fuck yeah, man. | ||
| And I was like, yep. | ||
| And he was like, you listen to it? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I have. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| And in my head, I was like, I gotta be honest, I have like fucking five back-loaded for this flight. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, which ones do you have loaded? | ||
| And I forget what we talked about that. | ||
| You should have said, you should get Burt Kreischer. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| Do you know who Burt Kreischer is? | ||
| You don't even, oh my god. | ||
| Oh, the machine? | ||
| It's the best story I ever did. | ||
| You gotta turn it on. | ||
| And then I finally said to him, I was like, I've been on the podcast. | ||
| And he's like, really? | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| I said, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| He's like, oh, cool. | ||
| He's like, I don't get to everyone. | ||
| I'm really into the mixed martial artists. | ||
| And I was like, oh, cool. | ||
| And then I was like, well, I'll tell you who you should listen to. | ||
| And then I was like, have you listened to Duncan or Joey or Ari? | ||
| And he's like, I've heard Ari. | ||
| I know Joey. | ||
| I don't know Duncan. | ||
| Like, he just was like, he was a mixed martial artist fan. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he was ripped, too. | ||
| What does dick taste like? | ||
| Salty. | ||
| It was a flight to Japan, I put wasabi on it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Someone's done that. | ||
| Oh, I guarantee you. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Someone's such a dick that's coated in wasabi. | ||
| It's definitely happened. | ||
| After listening to that humiliation-ist? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Isn't that bizarre? | ||
| I fucking couldn't turn it off. | ||
| I think that was the shortest podcast we ever did. | ||
| It was like an hour. | ||
| She was very nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It wasn't her fault. | |
| She was a humiliatrix. | ||
| Yeah, I know a very well-known one of those where she steps on a guy's balls with high heels. | ||
| No, this girl doesn't do that. | ||
| She doesn't do anything in person. | ||
| She does it all over the internet, all over the phone, and all over. | ||
| She sends them things, and they pay for her poop and her fingernails and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like dirty stench. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Stinky socks and stuff. | ||
| They pay for underwear. | ||
| I can understand the underwear one. | ||
| Well, it's all sorts of weird shit, too. | ||
| Like, they'll film themselves doing awful things, like getting fucked by guys, and they send it to her, and then she holds it and threatens to blackmail them, and then they get suicidal, but they want this. | ||
| They request this. | ||
| Like, she would never release it. | ||
| She's really interesting. | ||
| She's very smart, and she was a very nice person. | ||
| She didn't seem like the type of person that would do that. | ||
| She's very intelligent. | ||
| You have a great conversation with her. | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| The thing that she said that was interesting to me was... | ||
| For Hurt Bird, I was with a dominatrix for a day, so I was full-blown with a dominatrix. | ||
| And what was really fascinating is they said something about that first sexual experience you have, it sets an imprint for who you're going to be sexually. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I remember the first thing I ever fucking saw was on Fletcher Avenue near this pizza shop. | ||
| It was an old newsstand and my sister picked up a magazine that was bondage and showed it to me. | ||
| It was like fucking full-blown bondage. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| I was like maybe first grade. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| When I went to this dominatrix in like 19... | ||
| No, 2001 is when I went and did an episode. | ||
| She said, you should check out some of my stuff. | ||
| We're just bullshitting. | ||
| Mistress Isabella already had her on his podcast too. | ||
| She's like, you should check out some of my stuff and gave me a bunch of videos. | ||
| And I put in one and dude, one thing just like fucking like the rubber gloves up to the shoulders with the bustier. | ||
| And I was literally... | ||
| It brought me back to that point and I had this fucking... | ||
| It's like rediscovering like shit. | ||
| Like I was like... | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So it imprinted in you during that formative age. | ||
| So you've had an actual experience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what age were you again? | ||
| I'm going to say six. | ||
| I'm going to say probably first grade, before first grade, around first grade. | ||
| And then when was it that you saw it again? | ||
| 28 years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So 22 years later or something like that? | ||
| 22 years later. | ||
| And by the way, I'd never been tied up. | ||
| I'd never tied up a girl. | ||
| I'd never been in... | ||
| Butt. | ||
| I'd never done any of that shit. | ||
| I'd never been leather or like... | ||
| Never. | ||
| Been leather? | ||
| Like been leathered up or... | ||
| Leathered up? | ||
| Yeah, no, you know, like, I've never been any... | ||
| I'm like a meat and potatoes fucker. | ||
| Like, I go in, I have sex, maybe a couple positions, but that's it. | ||
| And, man, I saw this and I was like, it fucking hit a switch and I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| But you liked it. | ||
| Yeah, I liked it. | ||
| I thought it was hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Like, have you ever looked at, like... | ||
| Did she tell the missus? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, she knows. | ||
| I had Mistress Isabella at my house. | ||
| I wish my wife would get into that. | ||
| Not interested now, huh? | ||
| No, not at all! | ||
| Chicks with kids do not want to get tied up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just a fact. | |
| Fucking... | ||
| Not at all! | ||
| What happened? | ||
| They used to love that shit. | ||
| Because now they're a mom. | ||
| There's something that happens that switches. | ||
| It's very hard to describe. | ||
| I think you know a little bit of it because you're a dad. | ||
| And when you become a dad, you switch from just being a guy to a dad. | ||
| And it's a very real switch. | ||
| But I don't think it's nearly as... | ||
| Gigantic is the switch that goes off inside of a woman when she actually grows the baby in her body and then gives birth to it and then is Insanely responsible for that baby and they love them to a level that Like you compare the way you love your kids to the way someone says oh my god, I love my cat You're like you don't even know what the fuck love is you think a cat is like I can love a cat openly and pure. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| If you had a kid, it would be different. | ||
| There's an intense, and I don't even necessarily say that this is like a moral choice that you make that it's different. | ||
| I think there's some insane biological switches that go off that are undeniable. | ||
| You know, there's this connection between oxytocin and kids, and that you look at the kids and your brain produces oxytocin, which is this love feeling. | ||
| There's like all sorts of weird shit that goes on. | ||
| I think that for a woman, and not all women, because there's women that do porn, that have babies. | ||
| They have families, and they've given birth, and then they go and just get gang-banged by giant dicks. | ||
| And they love it. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| You think they love it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They say they love it. | ||
| I have no reason to believe they're lying and I don't want to ruin it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They say they love it. | ||
| I think there's a lot of different people in the world, man. | ||
| Think about a guy like you and some guy who's really into accounting. | ||
| There's got to be someone out there that enjoys doing people's books. | ||
| No, I enjoy it. | ||
| There's got to be someone out there that does that. | ||
| That's a real person. | ||
| So if there's a real person out there, of course there's a real person who wants to pay for Sarah Lynch's shit. | ||
| Or, you know, some real person who can do stand-up comedy. | ||
| People are fucking weird. | ||
| We vary so much. | ||
| We vary so much. | ||
| I mean, that's why there's so many different types of music and so many different types of movies. | ||
| Human beings are fucking very strange. | ||
| But one big thing that does happen with a lot of them is they have kids and they change. | ||
| Fucking really change. | ||
| Like, I have a fucking night and day. | ||
| I don't even know the guy I was before trying to get lap dances and like, undo my zipper with your butt cheeks, that kind of guy. | ||
| I don't even fucking know that guy anymore. | ||
| I know that guy. | ||
| I've been drunk with that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll introduce you to him next time we get drunk again. | |
| Hey Burt, this is your other Burt. | ||
| This is the original Burt. | ||
| He's still here. | ||
| He's just dormant. | ||
| He's like some alien virus. | ||
| I always think if someone videotaped me jerking off, it would go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like those eye things and the Macs. | |
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I was like, someone's gotta be able to get in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They already have. | |
| I'm sure they have. | ||
| And if they've done that, I'm just putting out the numbers of the honeypot. | ||
| I gotta be folded in there somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just have to go all in, I've found. | |
| The other day I noticed my light was on, and then I was frantically looking through all my programs to see which one was using my webcam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
None of them were. | |
| And now I'm like, alright, you know what? | ||
| How long has this been going on? | ||
| I've just straight been masturbating for these people for like a long time. | ||
| You just have to accept it that they've seen you cum many times. | ||
| It's bad, man. | ||
| It's probably fun for them. | ||
| Imagine, be able to hack into your laptop and watch the machine jerk off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sitting crisscross applesauce on a bed. | |
| Crisscross applesauce. | ||
| Picking your toes. | ||
| Pausing in between jerking off to pick your toes. | ||
| I got the same move every fucking time. | ||
| I'm not sure if I want to know this. | ||
| I'll tell ya. | ||
| Criss-cross applesauce on a mattress. | ||
| That's how you do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You always sit like a Buddha? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Indian style? | |
| Criss-cross applesauce. | ||
| You ever hear a boss's joke about sitting Indian style? | ||
| No. | ||
| When I was in first grade, the teacher told me to sit Indian style, so I got drunk and laid in the curb. | ||
| Fucking love Rich Voss. | ||
| For the uninitiated, what exactly is criss-cross applesauce? | ||
| Sitting with your legs. | ||
| Sitting Indian style is what we called it as kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do you remember that? | |
| What? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Why do I remember that? | ||
| Because he has kids. | ||
| Oh, because I have kids. | ||
| You can't say like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Indian style? | |
| Yeah, you can't say Indian style. | ||
| You get in trouble now. | ||
| You can't say gypped. | ||
| You can't say like... | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Gypped is gypsies. | ||
| Yeah, and they're fucking in L.A. They are? | ||
| Oh, God, yeah, man. | ||
| Caravans? | ||
| Fucking no. | ||
| They're like these Russian gypsies, like lower, these Ukrainian gypsies living there, and you cannot get them to fucking obey traffic laws at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I do like safety valet for our school. | ||
| They'll come rolling in, just and just don't give a fuck about anyone, and you can't tell them anything. | ||
| They just start fucking yelling at you, and they literally don't give a fuck. | ||
| Is that your daughter's school? | ||
| Both of my daughter's school, I ran into a black security guard. | ||
| Why does he gotta be black? | ||
| Because he fucking was. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Because he wouldn't say I ran into a white security guard. | ||
| Yeah, I wouldn't. | ||
| I'd just say I ran into a security guard. | ||
| What if he was Mexican? | ||
| I ran into a Mexican. | ||
| Because I'm about to do his accent, so I... I'd definitely be like... | ||
| So he just goes, man, these motherfuckers don't listen to shit. | ||
| I ain't racist or nothing, but fuck these Russian motherfuckers. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| But I get it, man. | ||
| They come from a much harsher place. | ||
| A place where you had to fight for fucking toilet paper. | ||
| And then you come here and you're like... | ||
| Soft. | ||
| Oh, everyone's soft. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Soft little holes in our top of our heads still. | ||
| Little babies. | ||
| And the Russians just fucking... | ||
| Just fuck these red lights. | ||
| Fuck red lights. | ||
| Yeah, the word gyp is a weird one, because I never even knew what that meant until I realized, like, only a decade ago. | ||
| Like, oh yeah, gypsy. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Leanne got lit up for saying one cotton pick a minute. | ||
| Wait, one cotton pick a minute. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They still pick cotton though. | |
| No, hold on. | ||
| Who did this? | ||
| Just a mom. | ||
| Mom. | ||
| An overly politically correct mom. | ||
| Just, excuse me, I'd appreciate if you didn't use that kind of language. | ||
| Leanne was like, wait, hold on. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Because like there's things when we said when kids, like you call people ninnies. | ||
| Well, I think that... | ||
| What's a nanny? | ||
| A ninny is a, I think it's a derivative of pick-a-ninny, which is a derivative of a young, small, black kid from the island. | ||
| But we got called ninnies all growing up, and I still say ninny. | ||
| I didn't know that one. | ||
| And so Leanne was like, cotton pick a minute. | ||
| And they're like, cotton pick a minute has to do something with black people. | ||
| And Leanne's like, and by the way, Leanne's been saying it her whole life and never, and my wife's a redneck, but had never heard that Right. | ||
| And, like, her knew the definition. | ||
| She just knew that was a phrase. | ||
| So we looked it up. | ||
| Turns out a cotton pick a minute has nothing to do with race. | ||
| It has to do with the fact that cotton is the most tedious crop to pick in the world. | ||
| So if you picked cotton for one minute, it would feel like a year. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when you say, wait, well, cotton pick a minute, it says wait a little longer than a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Wait a long fucking minute. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so, but the men, everyone's so quick to be up and fucking outraged. | ||
| Well, they're just looking for an opportunity to be outraged. | ||
| I can't imagine that she was actually upset at someone saying, one cotton-picking minute. | ||
| I can't imagine that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's dumb. | |
| It's not just dumb. | ||
| It's a sign of the times. | ||
| We live in this time where there's a bunch of people out there that think they're doing good, that they're good people because they call people out and they shame people. | ||
| It's so arbitrary. | ||
| What you decide is negative and what other people... | ||
| It's all about intent, right? | ||
| And when you say one cotton-picking minute, who the fuck is thinking about racism? | ||
| Who's thinking a racist thought when you say that? | ||
| It's just a nice way of saying one motherfucking minute is what it is. | ||
| Yeah, that chick was the racist for even putting the two together with that. | ||
| She's just a dummy. | ||
| There's a lot of them out there. | ||
| There's a lot of politically correct dummies. | ||
| Here's one that's super common that everybody wants to use. | ||
| You know, the term faggot is a terrible term to use for gay folks. | ||
| I'm gonna It's a terrible term, right? | ||
| I'm gonna have to say that that has backfired, because that word is now aged like a fine wine. | ||
| It's a beautiful word. | ||
| We were throwing around way too much as kids, and now you only hear it on special occasions, and so you just saying that caught me so fucking off guard. | ||
| I was like, fuck, man, I haven't heard that in a little... | ||
| That's like the machine story. | ||
| It'll make a comeback. | ||
| But to call someone that for being gay is a terrible thing to do, right? | ||
| It is a slur. | ||
| It's a terrible thing to do. | ||
| But to call someone that for being just a pussy is what we always did as kids. | ||
| Well, we can't do that anymore because it's too problematic. | ||
| It's too connected with that other word. | ||
| But one of the things that drives me crazy is when they, you know, what is it? | ||
| Entomology? | ||
| What's the word? | ||
| Etymology? | ||
| Etymology, right? | ||
| The history of the origins of the word. | ||
| They always like to say that it's about a bundle of wood because they used to light gay people on fire. | ||
| That was on Louie's show. | ||
| He repeated this false myth. | ||
| That's not what it meant. | ||
| A bundle of wood meant you were, when they called you, it was like a burdensome woman. | ||
| That's the way they described it. | ||
| Like a bundle of wood is like something you had to carry that was really awkward and a pain in the ass. | ||
| So that was a faggot of wood. | ||
| So when you were acting like a pain in the ass woman, like you would be a faggot. | ||
| You'd be a bundle of wood that's such a pain to carry around. | ||
| You'd be awkward and annoying. | ||
| That's the origins of the word. | ||
| So how did it get connected to gay people? | ||
| It sounds great. | ||
| It was because they used to light people on fire. | ||
| Oh my god, you're a victim. | ||
| Yes, I am. | ||
| So don't ever use that word again. | ||
| It's so hurtful. | ||
| People died. | ||
| Sure, people have definitely died from being gay, but that's not the origins of that word. | ||
| That fucking makes me angry. | ||
| It's not like the whole world was lighting gay people on fire at one point. | ||
| It was a sport so much that it became a name. | ||
| You connected them. | ||
| We'll just call gay people kerosene. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| That's not what it was. | ||
| It was a bundle of wood was also like a burdensome woman. | ||
| That's the way they used to describe it. | ||
| You can look up the origins of the word. | ||
| That makes so much more sense for using it as kids when you called your friend a burdensome woman. | ||
| You're taking forever, you faggot. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Stop crying, faggot. | ||
| That has nothing to do with homosexuality. | ||
| The homosexuality aspect of it was calling someone that if they're gay as a slur. | ||
| Because if you think of the stereotypical gay man that gets mocked, it's like, ugh! | ||
| You know, they're like really femme and feminine, which would be like a burdensome woman. | ||
| So that's why they would call those gay guys that slur. | ||
| Holy shit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
West Hollywood's like a faggot of gays, right? | |
| A bundle of gays. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| If you wanted to use it for the original word. | ||
| I wouldn't start dropping that in grouping out things. | ||
| Well, I'll take a faggot of carrots. | ||
| It became a cigarette. | ||
| I'm not butchering that, right? | ||
| Look that up. | ||
| Make sure I'm not butchering that. | ||
| I'm 99% sure I'm not, but it's also somehow or another a fag became a cigarette. | ||
| And that was a big one in England. | ||
| Like in England they still say that, can I call up a fag? | ||
| And they do that to each other and it has no context. | ||
| There's nothing gay about it at all. | ||
| It's like their word for that. | ||
| It's just, you know, it's different. | ||
| Like fanny for them is a vagina. | ||
| So if you have a fanny pack, I wear a fanny pack. | ||
| They mock me hardcore. | ||
| You have a vagina pack. | ||
| Do you know what you're saying? | ||
| You have a vagina pack. | ||
| That's amazing that they say, do you know what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a fanny pack! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's a bum bag. | ||
| That's what they call them over there. | ||
| They call them bum bags. | ||
| But the real problem with all this stuff, these forbidden words, taboo words, is words aren't what's important. | ||
| It's intent. | ||
| And if you go around policing the world and stopping words from being used, you don't change people's intent. | ||
| You don't do anything but be annoying. | ||
| That's all you're doing. | ||
| You're being an annoying person who is the voice of moral outrage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me, I would appreciate if you didn't say cotton-picking merit. | |
| Because do you know that black people pay cotton? | ||
| Your white privilege doesn't allow you to see that black people pay cotton. | ||
| Do you know what you're saying? | ||
| Do you know what you're saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucking racist. | |
| Oh my god, you're a racist. | ||
| I'm gonna shame you. | ||
| I'm gonna blog. | ||
| And they run home to their Tumblr account and blog about your wife and lie about it. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Exaggerate. | ||
| Everybody's a fucking victim today. | ||
| Just exaggerate to such an extreme extent. | ||
| It's like, it's so tiresome. | ||
| It's like, stop! | ||
| And the reason why they do it is because it gets attention. | ||
| It gets attention. | ||
| That woman, now your wife had to talk to that woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And your wife had to defend herself. | ||
| What, me? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Racist? | ||
| And that woman's like... | ||
| My wife's one of those people, like the guy that ran Formula One in Britain. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| There was a guy that ran Formula One in Britain that got caught in this, like, sex scheme, this sex thing. | ||
| Your wife's a pimp? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I read a book on public shaming. | ||
| And there's all these examples. | ||
| And there's this one guy whose dad was a famous Nazi sympathizer. | ||
| And then he got caught in these S&M things where it looked like he was a Nazi. | ||
| And it was like the people were going to fucking slam him. | ||
| And it said in the book, the only way to get through public shaming is to not give a fuck about the shaming. | ||
| If you're like, you can't shame me because I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, isn't that funny with this Charlie Sheen story? | ||
| Because that's how Charlie Sheen got through everything up until now. | ||
| Not giving a fuck. | ||
| Up until sucking a dick. | ||
| And then it's like, hey! | ||
| Hey, hey, hey! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I'll give you money. | ||
| So he did suck a dude's dick? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| That's what he's saying. | ||
| You're getting everything third, fourth hand. | ||
| Who the fuck knows what really happened. | ||
| Allegedly, there's a video. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| But the point being is that he always owned up to everything he did up until this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everything he did up until this was like, who gives a fuck? | ||
| Oh, well, that's me. | ||
| Tiger blood winning, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tiger blood. | |
| Quote, unquote. | ||
| Now, you know, I mean, he went on Matt Lauer, is that what it was? | ||
| And said that he had HIV. But you know what? | ||
| HIV is a weird one, dude. | ||
| Because medication that they have today is so effective. | ||
| You take HIV medication and it doesn't even show up in your blood. | ||
| I'd rather have that than Hep C. Oh my God, there's so many... | ||
| It's got this stigma attached to it, right? | ||
| But there's so many diseases that kill people that are quicker than that. | ||
| Women die from HPV, which is like super common. | ||
| One of four people. | ||
| Yeah, women get cancer from that. | ||
| They can get cancer from that, and they can die from that. | ||
| That's way more common than a guy with HIV in the Western world who finds out about it, gets diagnosed, and starts taking medication. | ||
| Way more common for a woman to die from that than it is for the guy to die from the HIV in 2015. 2015 is an amazing time to have HIV. You wanna go get it, go get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go get it, you want it? | |
| They don't have it licked in the point where they have an injection that they can give you that cures it, but they have medication that make it undetectable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Him not telling the girls, though, do you think that's... | |
| I mean, that's pretty fucked up, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's prison time. | |
| It's definitely not nice. | ||
| It's definitely not nice. | ||
| I just feel like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I had to do the triangle, like, oh shit, did I sleep with somebody that slept with somebody that might have slept with him? | |
| You know, it... | ||
| I don't think you can get it that way. | ||
| There's very little evidence that a man can get it through normal heterosexual intercourse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Herpes outbreak in her period. | |
| I've been saying, by the way, I've been saying this for fucking years. | ||
| Yeah, it's not politically correct to say, but there's very little evidence. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| If you could, if it was easy to get, I'm not saying it's impossible to get, because I'm obviously not a doctor and an idiot. | ||
| But I think if it was possible or easy to get, Jesus Christ, everybody would have it. | ||
| Ron Jeremy would have it. | ||
| Well, that's what everybody was worried about in the 1990s. | ||
| When AIDS started its rampant rage through the public eye, everybody was scared that everybody was going to have it. | ||
| I had my first AIDS test in 92. It was an HIV test, I guess. | ||
| I was getting insurance, and I had to get an AIDS test. | ||
| I was like, oh my God, I was fucking terrified. | ||
| Terrified! | ||
| Terrified. | ||
| And when it came back clean, I was like, yes. | ||
| Because you don't know. | ||
| I think all the times you got drunk and didn't use a condom, and who knows what that girl had, and who knows what... | ||
| It's just like, there's no... | ||
| If it really was something that normal heterosexual men got through normal intercourse, The way it's been described to me by medical professionals, obviously, not by knuckleheads on the internet, is that it's just really difficult to get that because a man is injecting his dick inside of a girl and coming in a girl. | ||
| A woman's vagina, on the other hand, is an excellent candidate for reception. | ||
| Because it's moist in there. | ||
| It's essentially open tissue. | ||
| That's why some girls take drugs that way. | ||
| That's why people take drugs anally, too. | ||
| When you take an anal suppository, dudes will take ecstasy anally. | ||
| They'll take an ecstasy pill and stuff it up their ass, and it'll melt down, break down, and get into their bloodstream. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People have done DMT. Can kill you. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Can kill you. | ||
| Because it goes through right in your blood. | ||
| Yeah, that's real dangerous, man. | ||
| Because it's not going through your stomach. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can get fucked up from putting, like, alcohol? | ||
| Vodka tampons. | ||
| Vodka tampons, right. | ||
| Vodka tampons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Girls soak tampons in vodka and stuff them in their pussy. | ||
| And then go to the club? | ||
| And get lit. | ||
| But they have fresh minty breath. | ||
| Their breath is perfect. | ||
| Go back to this AIDS thing. | ||
| I had some people one night, and I was drunk. | ||
| I was in Atlanta. | ||
| But I had some people from the CDC at my show. | ||
| And they were saying exactly what you're saying to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I said something about... | ||
| I'm sure I made a joke. | ||
| And they came out and they set me straight. | ||
| They're like, listen, it's very... | ||
| Oh, my first... | ||
| This is not worth telling, but I got an AIDS test in 95. And one of the first jokes I ever wrote, ever, before I was a comedian, I remember waiting the results and saying, think positive. | ||
| No, no, think negative. | ||
| Think negative? | ||
| No, think positive or think negative? | ||
| And I was waiting in the waiting room and I thought, that's funny. | ||
| Like, you want a positive result, but you want a negative positive result. | ||
| And I was joking in my head. | ||
| I said this and then they came out and they said, no, exactly what you just said. | ||
| Yeah, it's very hard to get, apparently. | ||
| And this seems to be a consensus. | ||
| I wouldn't say something like this to try to encourage people to not use condoms. | ||
| But it just seems like through... | ||
| Now, gay sex, on the other hand, if you're having gay anal sex, the same thing. | ||
| You're dealing with, like, open tissue. | ||
| It's not skin. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| You know, it's not the same as the skin on the... | ||
| If you come on someone's back, I'm pretty sure they're not going to get AIDS. But if you come in their butthole... | ||
| And you've got the hiv. | ||
| Weird things can happen. | ||
| Skin on skin, man. | ||
| I think there's a lot of scary diseases out there, man. | ||
| I think we're super lucky that we live in this amazing time as far as like modern medicine and what they can figure out and not figure out. | ||
| But it's always going to be weirdest when diseases come through sex. | ||
| Because, like, Ebola is scary as fuck, and malaria is the scariest of all time. | ||
| Malaria has killed—ready for this? | ||
| There's a fact. | ||
| Malaria has killed half of the people that have ever died ever. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Half the people that have ever died on the planet Earth ever were killed by malaria. | ||
| Out of all the reasons why people died, car accidents, plane crashes, AIDS, cancer, malaria, killed half of the people that have ever died, ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's that possible? | |
| Because malaria is a motherfucker. | ||
| Malaria kills millions of people. | ||
| We just don't hear about it because we don't get malaria in California. | ||
| We don't get malaria in America. | ||
| But if you're in Africa, you are fucking terrified of malaria. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Black... | ||
| Okay, this is not a fact that I'm sure is right, but black people with sickle cell anemia developed a sickle cell gene to defend against malaria, correct? | ||
| Whoa, I never heard that before. | ||
| Jamie, can someone help me type in sickle cell malaria? | ||
| Wow, that's interesting if true. | ||
| It's something to do with the sickle cell gene is what protects black people in Africa from malaria because the body tried to fight it. | ||
| I only know this because when we were traveling to Africa, we had to take malaria pills and they fucked me up. | ||
| They really fucked me up. | ||
| Dude, I heard they cripple you. | ||
| Oh, my dreams were like insane. | ||
| I've heard people say that they would rather get malaria than deal with the malaria medication. | ||
| Because they get malaria, then they just get antibiotics and get it taken care of. | ||
| Mystery solved. | ||
| How sickle cell hemoglobin protects against malaria. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I learned that in Africa from a black dude. | ||
| He goes, how come you're not taking malaria medicine? | ||
| He said, I'm black. | ||
| A new article is likely to help solve one of the long-standing mysteries of biomedicine. | ||
| In a study that challenges currently held views, researchers unravel the molecular mechanism whereby sickle cell hemoglobin confers a survival advantage against malaria. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's racist. | |
| I have a buddy that died of sickle cell. | ||
| A guy I used to train with back in Boston, my friend Walter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, he was like a really talented Taekwondo fighter, and he would come in and train like really hard for a short period of time, and then he would get sick. | ||
| And he was always one of those guys that everybody was like, where's Walter? | ||
| He was like super talented, really good. | ||
| But... | ||
| He would get sick and he just couldn't compete and then he would get better and he would just look like a world beater. | ||
| He was like really fucking good, really talented, really smart, just knew how to fight and then just kept getting sickle cell, just kept getting worse and getting better and this is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Early 80s, 84. That's when it was taking out brothers left and right. | |
| Yeah, maybe even earlier than that. | ||
| It might have been 82. Dewey Selman, Leroy Selman played for the Bucks. | ||
| Dewey Selman was a defensive back, and Dewey Selman had sickle cell anemia. | ||
| That was the first time I ever heard of it. | ||
| But I remember telling my dad, I think I have sickle cell anemia, because I'd heard Dewey Selman had it. | ||
| My dad was like, are you black? | ||
| And I was like, I don't think so. | ||
| That's amazing that it came from malaria. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it makes sense. | ||
| I mean, your body... | ||
| Or the human body has got to try to figure out some way to get over this hump. | ||
| This is the most deadly disease, I think, ever. | ||
| If I had a guess, I would say malaria is probably the most deadly disease ever. | ||
| But everybody's scared of AIDS. Well, I'll tell you what. | ||
| Rabies is pretty fucking bad. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because I got bit by a bat in Costa Rica. | ||
| Very bad. | ||
| And I thought I had a rabies. | ||
| I was like, I got bit by a bat. | ||
| I just got the rabies shot. | ||
| And they were all, you know, Costa Rica's like, Pura Vida, man. | ||
| Pure life. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| Nah, you'll be fine. | ||
| We don't have rabies down here. | ||
| Nah, you'll be fine. | ||
| And then I go back and I come back to, you know, get my shots to go again. | ||
| And they said, you want a rabies shot? | ||
| And I said, I've been bit by a bat once. | ||
| And the lady freaked. | ||
| And, like, laid it on me. | ||
| She was like... | ||
| She goes, you know, there's no recovery from rabies. | ||
| Like, if you do, in fact, have rabies, you will die from rabies. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They can give you an injection. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Not one person has ever not gotten... | ||
| Bit by rabies, gotten the shots in two days, you gotta get them within two days, and ever lived. | ||
| Ever fucking lived. | ||
| Not one fucking person. | ||
| So everybody who gets rabies, even if you get the shots inside of two days, you still die? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| No, you have to get the shots within two days. | ||
| And then you live? | ||
| And then you live, yes. | ||
| But if you don't get those shots... | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| So if you don't get the shots, you're dead? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Five months later, you're just sitting in a bed, you start feeling sick. | ||
| Rabies is scary, man. | ||
| It starts with a sore back. | ||
| How many fucking times I lay in a hotel bed going, God damn it, my rabies is kicking in. | ||
| Your rabies. | ||
| I'm fucking scared, man. | ||
| Are you a hypochondriac? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, Joe. | |
| I'm worse than a hypochondriac. | ||
| You ever heard about when I thought I got genital warts? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Did you get a magnifying glass and look at little individual cells? | ||
| No. | ||
| That one looks weird. | ||
| No, but I did sit with my balls and dicks in a bowl of vinegar watching Quantum Leap drinking a 40. Why vinegar? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I got fucking obsessed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just seems right. | |
| No, vinegar will tell you if you have genital warts. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| It'll tell you? | ||
| Hey, man, you got the warts. | ||
| It'll whisper to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, yeah, this is bad. | |
| You look down, it's an exclamation point. | ||
| You never have one of those times where you just looked at your dick a bunch? | ||
| Like you like have sex one night and then the next day you like, like kind of giving your dick a once over and you're like, wait, what the fuck is that? | ||
| It's kind of amazing how rarely guys do give their dick a once over. | ||
| Like how often do you like, hmm, let's see what we're dealing with here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time I take a shit! | |
| Pick it up, look to the left, look to the right. | ||
| Flip him upside down so he's staring up at me like I got him pinned in jujitsu. | ||
| Stare at your sack underneath in the mirror. | ||
| Is that left ball bigger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it just from fucking? | |
| Was it just like a sore from fucking too hard? | ||
| Well, it started out as nothing. | ||
| It started off with a one-night stand, and I was working at Barnes& Noble, and I went into the bathroom, and I was looking at my dick nonstop. | ||
| And then I started looking at those med journals. | ||
| And then I was like, you know what? | ||
| I don't know if anyone has obsessive compulsive hypochondria. | ||
| This is how it works. | ||
| You're like, you know what? | ||
| I'm going to be fine. | ||
| I'm going to go get some stuff at CVS, put it on my balls. | ||
| I won't notice anything in the morning. | ||
| And next thing you know, you're rubbing lotions and tenactin and fucking putting shit all over your balls and dicks thinking you're going to fix something. | ||
| And then it looks worse the next day. | ||
| And then you're like, alright, listen, all I gotta do is I'm gonna do the Tenactin, I'm gonna stay with the Tenactin, and then I'm gonna dip my balls and dick in a bowl of vinegar tonight, and that'll tell me. | ||
| And the next thing you know, your dick and balls have just been getting a fucking beating for like two days, and they don't look normal anymore. | ||
| And now you can't stop fucking with them. | ||
| You're literally like fucking with your dick nonstop. | ||
| Oh my god, you're so obsessive. | ||
| I'm not the only one that's been through this. | ||
| I know there are people that have done this. | ||
| A lot of guys out there pickling their balls and dick. | ||
| Pickling their- Pickling? | ||
| That's what you're doing? | ||
| And then you're in Philly, and you can't stop looking at your dick. | ||
| You're just like, non-stop. | ||
| Why does it have to be Philly? | ||
| Because that's where I went. | ||
| I went to Philly! | ||
| Went to Philly with my cousin Abe, and I stayed in this place, and I was fucking looking at my- Hey, cousin Abe, come take a look at my cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get some vinegar. | |
| Another little pickle? | ||
| Every conversation you start starts with like, you know, General Warts is very common. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then it took- I mean, I'll be very honest about this. | ||
| I went to a dermatologist in Tampa. | ||
| I spiraled out. | ||
| My mom said, come home. | ||
| Something's going wrong with you. | ||
| I flew home, and I was like, I'm fine. | ||
| Damn, you had to fly home to deal with this, and it wasn't even genital warts? | ||
| It wasn't even... | ||
| By the way, it wasn't even... | ||
| Dipping your dick in vinegar. | ||
| You got to get on a plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what the hell? | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| By the way, use hydrogen peroxide. | ||
| It's way better than vinegar. | ||
| Yeah, why are you using vinegar? | ||
| You're just kind of starting... | ||
| We didn't have the internet back then. | ||
| We didn't have the internet back then. | ||
| Don't marinate your dick. | ||
| Just don't. | ||
| Just don't. | ||
| Don't try any home remedies. | ||
| Did you even bother Googling it? | ||
| Google wasn't around. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| This was right when I moved to New York by 1997. So yeah, you'd have to get an encyclopedia. | ||
| And you know how hard those were to thumb through? | ||
| Does anyone remember the Dewey Decimal System? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That fucking was so complicated to me. | ||
| I never learned it, and I never had to. | ||
| Do you, like, do they even cover that kind of stuff? | ||
| Like, if you got an encyclopedia or a medical encyclopedia, would they talk about dick warts and home remedies, like pickling your dick in vinegar? | ||
| Where would you get that data? | ||
| Pickling dick in vinegar I probably did get from the internet. | ||
| The internet was around, it just wasn't like what it is today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was those books, those home remedy books, like medical books, though. | |
| My mom used to have, like, kind of a book that, like, if you have a fever and you don't have Tylenol, try this. | ||
| They didn't have gentle warts in that, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure they had something. | |
| They had general words back then. | ||
| I wonder if they talked about it, though, because there's a certain innocence to that time where they like to sweep stuff under the rug and not talk about it for the longest time. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I wonder how much of that was discussed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They probably called something different back then, too, like Indian mounds or something. | |
| What? | ||
| I don't know if that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| But I'll tell you what, there wasn't a lot of information back then, and it was just what you'd get was literally what you'd get on the internet now if your battery was dying. | ||
| That's the kind of internet information you'd get. | ||
| Well, that's why AIDS was so scary. | ||
| There was no information. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you would have to wait till a news report came out to find out how you could get it, how you couldn't get it. | ||
| When's the vaccine coming? | ||
| 2020 was how people found out about AIDS. Yeah, man. | ||
| Stop and think about that. | ||
| Unless you read some Newsweek article. | ||
| You had to read some article, and then it was up to the person writing the article. | ||
| They had a tremendous responsibility to get the facts right, which they don't always do. | ||
| And then the facts change, especially when it comes to science and medicine. | ||
| The facts, they change. | ||
| They find out new discoveries. | ||
| They have to backdate things. | ||
| They have to change things. | ||
| There's a great, I believe it was Radiolab. | ||
| There was a great, yes it was, Radiolab, on patient zero. | ||
| And it was all on the origins of AIDS, how it happened. | ||
| And they think it happened from a hunter in Africa. | ||
| They think that it was a combination of two different diseases that different monkeys got. | ||
| And they probably got it from eating each other. | ||
| And that a hunter who killed a monkey and was cutting the meat up must have cut his hand and gotten that monkey blood in his body. | ||
| So the virus got into him. | ||
| And that was the origins of HIV. And he was gay? | ||
| Fucking fascinating. | ||
| It had nothing to do with gay. | ||
| Well, I mean, if he was... | ||
| Okay, well... | ||
| Oh, if he just had sex with a woman. | ||
| He just might have had sex with a woman, or it might... | ||
| It's just by virtue of the way men have sex, gay men have sex, it made it easier for them to spread it. | ||
| More susceptible. | ||
| Yeah, more susceptible. | ||
| And then on top of it, there's... | ||
| The gay community loves to party. | ||
| You know, and that's like a big thing that that Peter Duisburg guy that we had on that was super controversial. | ||
| Man, I never had more people get mad at me. | ||
| Was that the one with you and Brian Callen? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And that guy, I heard that one. | ||
| He's a professor of biology at the University of California, Berkeley, and he has this insanely controversial viewpoint on AIDS. And I want to just say this before I repeat what he believes, that 99% of the people that are in his field disagree with him. | ||
| This is a very, very small percentage of people. | ||
| It might just be him. | ||
| But this is his fringe belief. | ||
| He believes that HIV is actually a weak virus. | ||
| And he said that what it is a symptom of is a compromised immune system. | ||
| And that your immune system is compromised from drugs. | ||
| And one of the things that he connected is the amount of people that die from AIDS complications that were heavy drug users in the gay community. | ||
| And it's overwhelming. | ||
| Crazy numbers, crazy numbers, because they do animal nitrate and poppers, which are poppers, and meth, and they just love to party, because they don't have kids, and they're butt-fucking, woo! | ||
| Just having a great old time. | ||
| Getting haircuts. | ||
| Yeah, having a good time, man. | ||
| So it was his contention that HIV was just a symptom that their immune system was already fucked up, and that if If we looked at it correctly, instead of from a social point of view, everybody's looking at it as like a social stigma, and it's something that can't be questioned because it's such a blight on the gay community, and we should all rally and help them, and you can't question what's actually going on. | ||
| They obviously have a disease that's killing them off, and we need research and funding and all this. | ||
| And he was saying, what, you get outside of that cloud of emotion that's attached to this and politically correct thinking. | ||
| And one common denominator you see with these people, with a lot of them, is heavy drug use. | ||
| So what he believed is that your immune system gets shattered from doing all the drugs, and then when they test you, HIV shows up. | ||
| But the reason HIV is there is like if you were healthy, your body would battle the HIV. Now HIV researchers think he's out of his fucking mind. | ||
| But they are saying that there is ways to make it so that HIV doesn't show up in people's bodies. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's more recently. | ||
| That's within the last, I believe, the last decade or so. | ||
| I think those things are called protease inhibitors, and I think that's one of the ways that they have figured out how to... | ||
| I think they have even better stuff now. | ||
| I don't know what the latest in HIV medication is, but... | ||
| If they have something that could make it get to that point, you would kind of assume that that would, like, I know a few people actually that have it, that have HIV, and they take the drugs, and they are, one of our friends works at the comedy store, and they are unperceptible, and you don't, what's the word? | ||
| Unperceivable. | ||
| Unperceivable, thank you. | ||
| You can't test it. | ||
| When you test them, they show up negative. | ||
| But he knows that he has it. | ||
| Somehow or another it's like dormant in his system, and if his immune system drops down and gets all fucked up, like if he parties too hard or something like that, and he doesn't take his medication, maybe it would come back. | ||
| See, that doesn't necessarily mean that Dewsberg is right. | ||
| It seems very complicated. | ||
| It seems like Doing the drugs doesn't help. | ||
| That's what it seems like to me. | ||
| To say that doing the drugs is the reason that these people should get AIDS, and it's not the HIV, and the drugs are what's compromising their immune system, that's not necessarily true because there's not a lot of people that are just getting HIV and then getting better on their own with no drugs, with no medication. | ||
| So it could be that One thing we all know is that doing a lot of drugs is bad for your body. | ||
| So when they're doing crystal meth and amyl nitrate and they're getting crazy and not getting any sleep, that's terrible for your body. | ||
| And any disease that you have, when your body's already wrecked, is going to have a better grip on you. | ||
| That's just a fact. | ||
| We all know that. | ||
| That's with the common cold, with the flu, with anything. | ||
| When you have the flu and you get fucking hammered and start doing meth, you're going to feel like shit, you know? | ||
| Because your body's already wrecked. | ||
| Your immune system's already torched. | ||
| I don't necessarily think that his conclusions make a lot of sense to me, a non-scientific, non-medical person. | ||
| I think he probably, one of the reasons why all these people are angry at him is because he's jumped to some unscientific conclusions or some conclusions at least that they don't think are scientific. | ||
| Or just politically incorrect. | ||
| Definitely politically incorrect. | ||
| But these guys are researchers, man. | ||
| They've spent decades. | ||
| The cynical point of view is that people that are conspiracy theorists would say, hey, the money is in the treatment, not in the cure, man. | ||
| What they want to do is they want to continue making money. | ||
| You'd have to be extremely cynical to think that that's the case. | ||
| They say that about cancer, but they kind of know how to stop cancer in a lot of ways. | ||
| They could prevent a significant amount of cancer. | ||
| If people just cleaned up their diet, cleaned up their diet, started eating healthy and exercising, that would stop a lot of it. | ||
| A lot of it. | ||
| What percentage? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But if you cut sugar out of your diet, and you started eating healthy, and you started exercising on a daily basis, how many people would be way healthier than they are now? | ||
| Probably a lot. | ||
| There's definitely people that get cancer because of genetics. | ||
| It's not all of it is due to poor diet and stress, but that can't help. | ||
| When your immune system's going bonkers and you're fucking tired and stressed out all the time, that shit ain't good. | ||
| Everyone's looking for one or the other. | ||
| They're looking to point the finger at one source. | ||
| I think it's a combination of a bunch of different things that makes you wrecked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, I always thought the CIA created AIDS. Did you hear that presidential thing that came out this week? | |
| It's like you didn't even listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where Ronald Reagan... | |
| And Gorbachev? | ||
| No, no, like, them talking about HIV and AIDS early. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, pretty much, they were just making fun of it. | ||
| And, like, people were like, is the president going to mouth-to-mouth kiss? | ||
| And they weren't taking it serious at all. | ||
| And the press was like, are you guys not taking AIDS serious or HIV serious? | ||
| And they just continued to joke about it, like Reagan's administration and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was a whole audio about it. | |
| Well, you remember that woman who was a publicist who made that joke on Twitter and then got on the plane? | ||
| That's a book I read is So You've Been Publicly Shamed. | ||
| Yeah, oh, okay. | ||
| John Ronson. | ||
| Yeah, Justine Sacco was, I mean, it fucking destroyed her life. | ||
| Now, I'll tell you what, I'm this far out of it. | ||
| The stuff I read in the book, like where she works now, and I've heard stories about her now, I won't even share because I don't like public shaming. | ||
| I don't think it works, and I don't think it benefits anyone. | ||
| I think it just makes the people that shame good. | ||
| Wait a cotton-picking minute. | ||
| I don't like what you're saying. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| No, I don't like it either. | ||
| I think, again, it's what we were saying earlier. | ||
| It's these people that are just looking to be outraged. | ||
| That's a big part of it. | ||
| There's some things that you probably should shame people for, like Bill Cosby. | ||
| Like, if you want to go around drugging and raping women, yeah, you should be shamed for that. | ||
| But really, you should be prosecuted. | ||
| If you're not prosecuted, then definitely shamed. | ||
| But like, prosecute him and let him go to fucking jail. | ||
| And I don't really care to shame him, just send him away. | ||
| He's definitely experiencing hell, right? | ||
| Whether they lock him in a cage or not, I don't give a fuck if that guy's living in the lap of luxury. | ||
| He's experiencing hell. | ||
| Because he's gone from being a guy who's been loved his entire career, he's like revered. | ||
| He's like, you look at him, he's one of the great, if you had a Mount Rushmore of stand-up comedy, you'd have to put Bill Cosby's head on there. | ||
| You'd have to. | ||
| Yeah, but he's impervious to shame, I bet. | ||
| I bet he's like a great white shark. | ||
| He was so fucking condescending to everyone he spoke to, I heard. | ||
| I didn't hear he ever fucking met someone with like, hey man, I'm Bill, nice to meet you. | ||
| So, like just staring down, like DC Benny's got a story of just the way he treated him. | ||
| And DC was like, what a fucking dick. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was probably 12 years ago that I heard the story. | ||
| So for me to repeat it would be... | ||
| Just start making up stuff. | ||
| DC walked into his trailer and Bill Cosby's raping this woman. | ||
| And DC's like, I do a great impression of you. | ||
| And started doing it as Bill Cosby's raping the woman. | ||
| The girl starts waking up. | ||
| She hears Bill Cosby. | ||
| Bill's like, not cool, man. | ||
| I don't use my voice with them. | ||
| I mean, that's what DC told me. | ||
| Did he have like a lukador mask on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're right. | ||
| One of the Mexican wrestling masks. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Old school Bill Cosby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| What were you going to say about Justine Sacco? | ||
| Oh, well, that's a perfect story when you talk about someone cracking a joke about AIDS. This was fairly recently. | ||
| She was talking about going to Africa. | ||
| She goes, I think the exact quote was, I'm going to Africa, hoping I don't get AIDS. LOL, just kidding, I'm white. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jesus. | ||
| She tried to say, I think, that it was like that she was pointing out the disparity of how white people did it. | ||
| She just did a poor job. | ||
| Please, bitch. | ||
| You're cracking a joke. | ||
| She was in that first generation of funny girls. | ||
| No, I'm going to say girls only because they ran the internet at this time. | ||
| They ran Twitter. | ||
| Was she black, too? | ||
| No, there was a bunch of women that overtook and showed people how funny women were on the internet. | ||
| There was Jenny Johnson High Five, Jenny Mullen. | ||
| Jenny Johnson High Five is very funny. | ||
| Fucking really funny. | ||
| She says some really funny shit. | ||
| And Slashleen, our friend Slashleen from Toronto. | ||
| Kelly Oxford. | ||
| They're all funny-ass women, and she was in that first generation of those women who would post outrageous shit. | ||
| Kelly Oxford posted one time, and I fucking lost it, but I lost it laughing, and she deleted it because she was afraid of it, I think, was that women who wear pads love to smell their menstruation. | ||
| And I love that. | ||
| I just thought it was my wife's like, my wife would never wear a pad like in her life. | ||
| I remember someone offered a pad since she had her period. | ||
| She's like, what pad? | ||
| I'd put a sock in my fucking pants. | ||
| What are you fucking kidding me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pad people hate tampon people. | |
| It's like a war going on. | ||
| PC and Mac. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The first PC and Mac. | ||
| First generation of that fight. | ||
| But I think Justine Sacco was in that group of women. | ||
| She was? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| It happened a while ago. | ||
| Not like friends with them, but in that generation. | ||
| She'd had a bunch of outrageous tweets. | ||
| In the book I read from John Ronson, that she was just outrageous and funny and would say the inappropriate things. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, there's a young lady who worked with mentally disabled adults who took a picture at Arlington Cemetery where it said... | ||
| Please be quiet and be respectful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she did this, like, fake yelling and flipping off thing. | ||
| The girl's life got destroyed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Destroyed. | ||
| And apparently her thing was posting funny pictures of her doing the opposite of whatever the sign said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The sign said no smoking, her with a cigarette and a lighter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, like, an over-the-top... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Girl picture, she got destroyed to the point where she didn't... | ||
| She's like, I don't want to get my name cleansed because I'm afraid I'll come back up in the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Because they can now clean your name. | ||
| Here's the real one. | ||
| This is one that fucking... | ||
| They can help clean your name? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Companies that they go through... | ||
| The cleaner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they... | |
| That sounds like the professional. | ||
| Is that French guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Was that guy? | ||
| No, that's the professional. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They go through. | ||
| They do it a lot. | ||
| I think they do it for sex offenders. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And my reading comprehension skills aren't tops. | ||
| But, like, for people that don't want their name on the internet for whatever the fuck they did. | ||
| Guys that have been convicted of rape. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so what they do is they basically... | ||
| You pay them, and then they flood the internet with websites that your name comes up on and fake pop-up. | ||
| You go to the website and it says, temporarily unavailable or whatever. | ||
| And they just flood the internet with that so that when you do find Justine Sacco, it's number seven on the list, and number one is semi-final medalist for this. | ||
| Ran a 5K. Oh, okay. | ||
| So they just add shit to the internet to flood the water so it makes it more difficult to find information about you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That would be the smart thing to deal with if somebody was fucking with you. | ||
| Hire someone to write complete fiction about you. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Like, all day long. | ||
| Like, just make up shit. | ||
| Like, to the point where it's, like, finely, thinly veiled. | ||
| Like, it's very difficult to tell, like, what's true, what's not. | ||
| Like, almost like an onion story. | ||
| And just hire someone to do that all day. | ||
| So, like, if Justine Sacco had, like, a pile of cash, if she was Scrooge McDuck, and she just sat back with all her cash and said, you know what, I'm just gonna hire a team of creative writers. | ||
| They just tell my story! | ||
| What's that? | ||
| To just tell her story. | ||
| To just make up stories all day long about things that she did. | ||
| Like, constantly. | ||
| And make them, some of them seem reasonable, and some of them seem completely ridiculous. | ||
| I hate to say this. | ||
| You're that guy. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| No, because you, I remember, I'm sure you remember. | ||
| I hate to say this. | ||
| No, but what you're saying is, in this fanbase that you have, there are people that hear stories and have truths. | ||
| Do you remember the time when everyone thought you really killed a mountain lion with a belt? | ||
| Nobody thought that. | ||
| You'd have to be so retarded to think that. | ||
| Then I guess I didn't think it either. | ||
| Did you think it? | ||
| Oh, dude, there were a lot of people that were like, hey man, like, tweeted me, did Rogan really, and there were people going, no, he got- Brian didn't get tricked, I'll tell you that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| But who said it? | ||
| Who said it? | ||
| It was a parody website. | ||
| It was like an Onion-type website. | ||
| Oh, but it got out there, and like, I didn't read the website. | ||
| Nobody believed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on, I didn't read the website, but I did get- But you had to be hammered when you heard that story. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just sounds fake, knowing Joe. | |
| It sounds fake as fuck. | ||
| It's like a mountain lion, come on. | ||
| With a belt. | ||
| I would tell you. | ||
| How the fuck would you get a belt around a mountain lion's neck? | ||
| You know how hard that would be? | ||
| I was fucking almost texting you. | ||
| My own sister asked me if it's true. | ||
| How sad is that? | ||
| You know, there's a kid that I know that gets bullied, and I told him the same thing about, like, you should go online, take the bully's name, and, like, really just throw all this fake stuff on there, make fake websites about him, and ruin the guy online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's, like, nowadays the best way to get back at a bully, like, anonymous... | |
| Yeah, you can, but at the end of the day, the bully's still the same guy. | ||
| You're not really hurting him. | ||
| You're not changing anything by making up a bunch of shit. | ||
| Until the middle school sees these websites and he's getting bullied for being pictures of him and Leonardo DiCaprio kissing him. | ||
| He should be laughing at that, unless he's an idiot. | ||
| Do you want me to push this your way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Make it look real. | |
| Here, take yourself. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soda. | |
| Soda water? | ||
| Yeah, it's clean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want something else? | |
| Sprite or something? | ||
| Or soda water. | ||
| What's the best? | ||
| I don't usually drink vodka. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something that has flavor. | |
| Okay, give me some flavor. | ||
| Well, if you're Brian and pre-diabetic, yes. | ||
| Diet Coke? | ||
| No, not Diet Coke. | ||
| Do you think Brian's pre-diabetic? | ||
| Do you watch his? | ||
| He said no. | ||
| Brian said no. | ||
| Do you watch his periscopes? | ||
| He went on a website and definitely he's not. | ||
| He was telling me his eyes weren't working correctly. | ||
| And I'm like, you know, that's a symptom of diabetes. | ||
| I definitely don't have it. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| You drink all the time. | ||
| You don't want your food. | ||
| Was that good? | ||
| Coconut water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| Did you get tested for diabetes, Brian? | ||
| Or are you just hoping? | ||
| You did get tested? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I got fully tested. | |
| The only thing I had was a little bit of lack of vitamin D. Which is, I guess, normal. | ||
| Or being outside. | ||
| It's called being outside, Brian. | ||
| That's the only thing you had? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Brian, you want one? | ||
| Vitamin D is a pretty normal ailment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or a pretty normal thing to be deficient in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jaundiced. | |
| It's jaundiced. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, George and I were both jaundiced, and you'd have to sit and hold them by the sun, like by the window, and let the sun hit them, and then you'd watch them turn from yellow to white. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| I just remember hearing that they turned from yellow to white. | ||
| How bizarre is it that your body produces a vitamin from the sun? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like the sun hits you and it actually produces vitamin D. And I had a convertible and I live in Los Angeles and I still was that. | |
| You really need to be actually out there. | ||
| We're very rarely out in the sun. | ||
| When was the last time you were sunburned? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Without going to a tanning bed? | |
| That shit's not good either. | ||
| Tanning beds. | ||
| I have a friend who just got, my friend Cameron Haynes, he just got a big chunk of his face cut off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Skin cancer. | ||
| Not tanning beds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| How did it start? | ||
| He had like a weird mole on his face. | ||
| I'm a mole-y guy, and it's scary because a lot of my moles look like they should be cancer, but then you get them checked, and they're like, no, if it turns red and starts to spread and stuff. | ||
| Well, he had some weird thing on his face. | ||
| Wait, wait, I'm sorry. | ||
| Tell me about Cameron. | ||
| I'm more interested in Cameron Hance. | ||
| It's some weirdity on his face. | ||
| And I went to the doctor and they check it and they're like, yup, you gotta cut it out. | ||
| They make an appointment and they sliced him like a box cutter. | ||
| Like he was in a war with a gangbanger. | ||
| Cut his face open and stitched it back up. | ||
| They took a big chunk out of his face. | ||
| Now does Cameron use sunscreen when he goes hunting? | ||
| Um, no, I don't think so. | ||
| Probably doesn't when he runs either. | ||
| He runs a lot. | ||
| He's a beast, right? | ||
| Yeah, he's doing, he's getting ready now for a double ultramarathon. | ||
| It's something called the Bigfoot race. | ||
| It's 200 plus miles. | ||
| I think it's 204 miles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Yep, it's two days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a two-day race. | |
| I had a sound guy that was James Diemer who does those ultra-marathons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cam's done a bunch. | ||
| Well, not a bunch. | ||
| He's done a bunch of marathons, but I think he's done three 100-mile runs. | ||
| And one of them, he actually did a 24-hour race, and he went 106 miles, I think it was. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Something crazy like that. | ||
| 106. And now he's going to essentially double that or close to it. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I'll say this. | ||
| Guys like Cameron, and who's the guy who had the show on Travel Channel? | ||
| I can't remember his name right now, but he's a good friend of yours also. | ||
| Steve Rinella. | ||
| Steve Rinella. | ||
| They've made hunting cool again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I listen to those stories, and it's... | ||
| You know, when I was a kid, hunting was about, like... | ||
| Waking up early and going out with your dad and fucking being tired and cold in a car and then going out and then possibly someone would hit you with buckshot at some point in the day. | ||
| But now it seems like these adventures, which almost, as a man, my wife got chickens and I understand she's never been more happy about a project in her life. | ||
| And she got it from your wife. | ||
| When we went to your house, she saw that. | ||
| She thought it was so fucking cool. | ||
| She'd been talking about it forever, finally gets the chickens. | ||
| Every morning she lets the chickens out. | ||
| She talks to them. | ||
| She's trained them so they'll come up and get on her. | ||
| And I watched that, and it's a primal instinct that's inherent in humans is to almost, I want to plow my own field. | ||
| I want to do my own work. | ||
| I want to feel like I did something. | ||
| And... | ||
| Those guys, when I listen to y'all do podcasts about it, it makes me want to go hunting. | ||
| And I told you, I've never killed an animal. | ||
| I don't know if I'd be cool with it. | ||
| I don't know that I'd... | ||
| I've killed a couple animals. | ||
| I take that back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've had a pig roast at your house. | |
| I've killed animals. | ||
| I've definitely killed animals, but never with a shotgun, never with a gun, never with a bow and arrow. | ||
| But it makes it seem like, hey man, I might need this in my life. | ||
| That sounds so fucking stupid. | ||
| But I might need this in my life to get out into nature with me and a gun and be afraid because you're in the jungle. | ||
| You're in the woods and a bear might roll up on you. | ||
| What you are out there to hunt might roll up on you. | ||
| And get... | ||
| It's like this fight club, cut your fingernails because you're fighting type thing. | ||
| And I just started going back out to that place we shot shotguns and shooting sporting clays because I was like... | ||
| I was like, maybe this will be like a new form of therapy or maybe this will be like a new thing that blossoms into me growing. | ||
| Does that make any sense? | ||
| Yeah, it does make sense. | ||
| Like the shotgun, the way you were explaining it, I've never done that sporting clay stuff, but it sounds really fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That what it is is, well, you can explain it, but you go out there and there's a course and all these things pop up and you shoot them. | ||
| But you're going through this course, and as you're going through this course, some of them are rolling on the ground, some of them, they shoot up, they launch them in the air, and there are these clays, just like those same sort of things, right? | ||
| Like those discs. | ||
| Yeah, it's 15 different stations that you go to. | ||
| You can go to 15 different stations, and they're all set up differently to be different types of birds, different types of animals. | ||
| So, like, some will be like a rabbit where the clay rolls on the ground out in front of you, but you don't... | ||
| The real sport in it, and I've got to be honest with you, it's... | ||
| It's like fine-tuning your machine where you get up there, you have your gun, your shotgun, and we did the two-shot top and bottom, you know? | ||
| And you're out there, and you go pull, and your buddy hits the button behind you, and all of a sudden, two things come out of the woods, and you don't know where they're coming from, and you just are like, fuck, and you try to get it, and then there is this thing that hits on your head and hits in your fucking cerebellum where you're like, I couldn't feed my family today. | ||
| Like, you get done, you're like, I couldn't have fed my family today. | ||
| I couldn't have fed myself or my family. | ||
| I'd be back in the woods tomorrow. | ||
| And it was, it's cool, man. | ||
| I wish I could remember the right name of the place to say it so people would go there. | ||
| But it was, I mean, it's fucking packed. | ||
| But the day we went, sun was setting. | ||
| I posted a video on my YouTube page because we were walking, doing the walk, and a deer just walked across us. | ||
| And we have fucking shotguns. | ||
| And a deer just walked across. | ||
| I go, we can fucking kill it! | ||
| Like, we have loaded shotguns, but we're shooting sporting clays. | ||
| And we're like, What the fuck? | ||
| You might not really even kill it. | ||
| You just fuck up its hide. | ||
| You would hurt it pretty bad because you're shooting spray, those little tiny pellets. | ||
| You would need a slug. | ||
| They use slugs to hunt deer with a shotgun. | ||
| That's the one thing about that video is I posted it. | ||
| I was like, hunters and anti-gun people will both hate this video because hunters will be like, you couldn't fucking kill it. | ||
| And anti-gun people are like, why do you have guns? | ||
| So I'm like right in that window of stupid... | ||
| Well, what's going on is when you're out there and those things are running by, you're forced to focus on them. | ||
| And when you're forced to focus on the clay rolling on the ground or the one launching through the air, it takes you away from your problems and your troubles. | ||
| It takes you away from thinking about all the other things that are going on in the back of your brain constantly, whether it's bills or stress or schedule or travel. | ||
| I mean, you're constantly doing things and you have all these obligations and all these people tugging at you all the time. | ||
| Dude, and it just happens. | ||
| The second you get kids, you commit to all that shit. | ||
| It's like growing up, I talked to my therapist about it, and he was like, when did your stress start? | ||
| Like, when did you start really caring, giving a fuck? | ||
| I finally gave a fuck when I had kids. | ||
| And then you go out hunting, and you're like, I don't know, I don't know. | ||
| It takes you back to... | ||
| Society fucks up what being a man is about so much and make you overthink it and not let you be it. | ||
| And sometimes when you're a man, it's fucking, someone called me a bro comic. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm just a fucking person. | ||
| I happen to have a perspective because I have a dick. | ||
| And if that's my perspective, call me a bro comic. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| But like, but like, uh, I don't even know what the fuck I was saying. | ||
| That's such a weird pejorative. | ||
| That bro pejorative is so funny. | ||
| People love using it. | ||
| You should dismiss anything that anybody says. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're into manly type activities, you have to be a bro. | ||
| Like, you should be ashamed of your gender, Burt Kreischer. | ||
| I fucking love... | ||
| MMA. I get kicked out of bars when Conor McGregor wins. | ||
| Like, that's how I got kicked out of a fucking beef fucking Buffalo Wild Wings. | ||
| What? | ||
| I got kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings twice this year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Two Buffalo Wild Wings. | ||
| Conor McGregor's win, I got kicked out, and I got kicked out in Utah because I was standing up and drinking a beer. | ||
| Well, hold on. | ||
| Let's go to the Conor McGregor one first, and then we'll visit the Utah one. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because I need to know about this. | ||
| So you're watching the UFC. They're playing it in the bar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when you're playing the UFC, like, anytime you're there, you've been the one lot. | ||
| Can I stop you? | ||
| I'm going to jump ahead of you for two seconds. | ||
| Next to us is a man and his wife, probably 25, with their two-year-old child watching this fight in Ohio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So whatever time it happened where you were at, mind you, it's Ohio. | ||
| So it's like, probably like 10. 10 at night, maybe later? | ||
| I'm going to probably say 11 by the time Conor McGregor got on. | ||
| Oh, okay, you're watching the main event, right. | ||
| Yeah, I'm watching all the fights, but Conor McGregor is a precious Irish saint. | ||
| Two hour difference between LA? Three hour difference? | ||
| Oh, it's even later than that then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| So there's a child with an iPad. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's probably like 12. It's probably midnight. | ||
| And there's a child there. | ||
| So we're watching. | ||
| I bring my whole crew out. | ||
| We're on the road. | ||
| And I'm like, this is the one thing that makes you sane on the road. | ||
| One thing that makes me touch into life is you're on the road, you're working, and then my cameraman, John Manns, would always be like, hey, UFC's on tonight. | ||
| Come on, we gotta go watch Rogan. | ||
| So my whole crew will go out, we'll go to Buffalo Wild Wings, they always show it, and we'll all watch it, and when you comment, one of the fun things, people that don't know, they're like, you know that guy? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah. | ||
| But it's a connection to life, where you're like, I'm lost on the road, and then you hear a friend on TV, and you're like, I'm back in, and this is the shit I like, and we're men. | ||
| And we're watching UFC, Conor McGregor is fucking losing that fight. | ||
| It looks like he's losing that fight, and the last minute, he comes in, and I've been cheering for him the whole fucking time, and everyone in Ohio hates this motherfucker, and I am cheering for him the whole time because he's a precious Irish saint, and the second he knocks him out or fucking takes him down or whatever, he ended it, shirt comes off, and I'm like... | ||
| That's what's up, motherfuckers! | ||
| That's what's up! | ||
| That's against the license they have for serving food, having no shirt on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you can't take your clothes off at a fine dining establishment like Buffalo Wild. | |
| Listen, I didn't say I wasn't guilty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
BW3s was in it. | |
| How did you describe Conor McGregor in an angel or something? | ||
| Precious Irish Saint. | ||
| We don't get many of those. | ||
| You get Ricky Patton, you get Conor McGregor. | ||
| Ricky Patton. | ||
| Whatever his name was, Joe. | ||
| Dick Van Patten. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dick Van You get Ricky Patton. | |
| We fucking love those guys, man. | ||
| There are fucking... | ||
| The guys we had to go, see? | ||
| Told you we're not that bad. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But the shirt coming off got you kicked out. | ||
| So they grab you and that's it. | ||
| The guy grabs me and he goes, hey, you can't take your shirt off in a Buffalo Wild Wings. | ||
| And I go, I'll put it back on. | ||
| And then he goes, there's a child here. | ||
| I go, hold on. | ||
| Don't use that defense. | ||
| We're watching a fucking blood sport on TV. The child's been watching two... | ||
| Two shirtless guys. | ||
| Don't fucking light me up for being the fucking... | ||
| Start with them. | ||
| Kick them with the kid out. | ||
| Then kick me out. | ||
| So I got kicked out of that one. | ||
| What if the kid's gangster and likes fighting? | ||
| He wouldn't even watch. | ||
| He was on an iPad the whole time. | ||
| Maybe one day he will. | ||
| He'll take it in peripherally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The roar of the crowd. | ||
| I want to inspire them. | ||
| Father, teach me to fight. | ||
| The most ridiculous one is Buffalo Wild Wings. | ||
| I'm standing up having a beer. | ||
| Guy comes up to me. | ||
| He's like, hey man, I can't have you doing that. | ||
| I need you to sit down. | ||
| I didn't realize you can't stand and have a beer in Utah. | ||
| That's illegal to stand and drink a beer. | ||
| So when you go to a bar in Utah, everyone's seated? | ||
| You have to be seated. | ||
| You can't be walking around. | ||
| You can't be, like, standing at a bar. | ||
| So you can't, like, you know, people go to a bar and they mingle and they walk around with their beer. | ||
| You sit down. | ||
| If you want to stand up, you've got to have no beer in your hand. | ||
| Oh, that's so crazy. | ||
| There used to be a rule that we thought for the longest time with the Tempe Improv that you weren't allowed to drink on stage, but it turned out it was bullshit. | ||
| Fucking bullshit. | ||
| Dan Murr, may he rest in peace. | ||
| Dan Murr, he's dead, was decided for whatever reason that he was going to put up a fake sign that there's a fake state law that says you can't drink on stage. | ||
| And so we would just bring flasks. | ||
| When Brian and I were there, we went to like a drive-through booze place, which is hilarious. | ||
| Bought a flask and a bottle of Jack. | ||
| And then we're drinking on stage. | ||
| I was just adding, I was explaining that I was adding warm Diet Coke to my cold Diet Coke because I like it like a medium temperature. | ||
| So I have a flask of warm Diet Coke that I always keep with me. | ||
| By the way, I'm already on top of that lie to whoever asked, because I'm such a drinker in public. | ||
| Like, you were like, because I like it, and I was already going, what's my lie real quick? | ||
| Because my teeth get too cold. | ||
| I don't want my teeth to get cold. | ||
| I just had oral surgery. | ||
| That's a good way to look at it. | ||
| So, in Utah, is that true, Brian? | ||
| You can't stand up? | ||
| It doesn't say anything about that, but it does say a lot of weird things about Utah. | ||
| Any beer over 4% ABV is considered liquor. | ||
| Alcohol by volume, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have Zion's Curtain there. | ||
| Zion's Curtain is the... | ||
| They won't pour your drink in front of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't see the bartenders mixing or pouring drinks. | |
| They used to have it so you would buy your drink in one spot and your mixer in another spot. | ||
| Like if you wanted a Jack and Coke, they would pour the Jack Daniels in the glass in one spot and you'd have to go over and get the Coke in another spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like another part of the bar. | ||
| This also says that you can only have 1.5 ounces of alcohol in your drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No exception. | |
| So like a long island iced tea would be like the worst drink ever in the whole time. | ||
| No, you can actually get a long island iced tea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you can't. | |
| No, that's the exception in Utah. | ||
| Because I ordered a double Tito's and soda, and they said we can't do doubles. | ||
| We can bring you two drinks. | ||
| No, we can bring you a drink and a shot, but we can't do two drinks. | ||
| They can't order doubles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doubles. | |
| Dude, you should have seen the look on my face as we're watching UFC in a Buffalo Wild Wings and the bartender says to me, the manager comes up. | ||
| I wish I knew where we were in Utah, because it's a smaller, it's not Provo, it's one of the smaller towns, so it's not like the big city, which I'm sure you're allowed to stand up with your beer in your hand at times. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| But he came up to me, I had gone to the bathroom with my beer in my hand. | ||
| Who leaves a beer on the fucking bar and walks to the bathroom? | ||
| You'd have to be crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't even think anything of it. | ||
| It sounds ridiculous now. | ||
| Just walked to the bar with my beer in my hand, take a piss, come back. | ||
| And he goes, hey, man. | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| I can't have you walking around with that. | ||
| And I was like, excuse me? | ||
| He was like, I don't want you walking around with that beer. | ||
| You need to sit down. | ||
| And I was like, sure, sure, sure. | ||
| And then I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Is this a white guy voice or a black guy voice? | ||
| This is a white guy. | ||
| I should have said he was white. | ||
| It's my predecessor to all my stories. | ||
| This white guy comes up to me, why was he going to be white? | ||
| Because he fucking was. | ||
| And so I'm sitting there drinking my beer, but I'm watching UFC, so I'm standing up, like going through the moves. | ||
| Kidding, I'm kidding. | ||
| But I was standing up. | ||
| I'm standing up, and I'm drinking my beer, and the guy comes up to me again and lights me up. | ||
| And I go, and now I'm confused, but I'm also drunk. | ||
| So, like, I take a very, like, guilty drunk perspective. | ||
| Ever, anyone on a plane ever says anything about anything drinking, I go, oh, I'm sorry, I'm done. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| Like, I'm never, I'm not that guy. | ||
| How many times does that happen? | ||
| Good joke. | ||
| I fly fucking three million miles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he hates flying so he gets drunk. | |
| Yeah, but, like, people complain a lot about you drinking on planes. | ||
| Yeah, if you drink on planes at four beers, someone will say something to you. | ||
| What do they say to you? | ||
| Eh, you've had a lot. | ||
| Who says this? | ||
| The flight attendant. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| If they say, hey, I've given you four, this is a 30 minute flight, I'm giving you four, you know, I think you've had a lot, then you just go, oh, I automatically, I'm like, I'm so sorry, totally fine, don't worry about it, and then I fucking white knuckle the rest of the flight, because I can't, because I get nervous flying. | ||
| I had a guy flying to South Africa telling me I've had a lot. | ||
| And I was like, I pulled him aside. | ||
| I was like, I'm totally sober right now. | ||
| But we need to figure out a way where I can drink the rest of this flight. | ||
| Because I will have panic. | ||
| Because I had 13 hours left. | ||
| And I was like, so you come up with the system, I'll agree with it. | ||
| And the guy looked at me very plainly. | ||
| He's like, I'll give you a beer every hour for the next 13 hours. | ||
| I was like, perfect. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So you drank 13 beers on a flight? | ||
| Well, are we going to be honest or are we going to lie? | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| We nibbled a little Xanax and went to sleep. | ||
| So I nibbled a little Xanax and then had the next beer and then fucking... | ||
| I don't think you're supposed to mix those. | ||
| I know, Joe. | ||
| That's why I was going to lie to you. | ||
| For some fucking reason, I lie sometimes. | ||
| There was a lady on a plane once, I'll never forget her. | ||
| She was talking about how great it is to have a Xanax and a glass of wine. | ||
| Just a Xanax and a glass of wine. | ||
| She's looking at me like, right? | ||
| A Xanax and a glass of wine? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| It's dangerous, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| How Geraldo went out is a Xanax. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why would you ever listen to me? | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| I'm 100% sure in the same way Doug Stanhope is who I go to when I have problems. | ||
| Like when Heath Ledger died, both Stanhope and I both were on the internet going like, hold on, how much Ambien did he have and how much Xanax did he have? | ||
| Because these are real, for people who take Xanax, you need to know. | ||
| But from what I understand... | ||
| Greg, I hate... | ||
| I don't even know how I want to talk about this because I like Greg a lot and I don't want to sound like a guy that's celebrating. | ||
| Well, let's just Google it. | ||
| Google what Greg Geraldo died of. | ||
| Well, his toxicology report is going to be a little bit of everything, I'm certain, because I think he was partying at the time. | ||
| Well, he definitely liked pills. | ||
| I mean, he had an issue. | ||
| I think... | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I feel weird talking about Greg because I really genuinely liked him and he was very sweet to me. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| He was a fantastic guy. | ||
| It doesn't take away from the fact that he had an issue with pills. | ||
| He definitely did. | ||
| It doesn't mean he wasn't a great guy. | ||
| I know, but I still... | ||
| A lot of great people have issues with pills. | ||
| I say this then as a warning and using Greg's legacy as a warning. | ||
| It's not a bad thing to say. | ||
| It killed him. | ||
| I mean, I think it's a good thing to bring up. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, the whole reason I don't fuck with Xanax at all is because of Greg. | ||
| Because from what I understand, he was coming off partying, he was in a hotel room, he wanted to sleep, he took Xanax, and with Xanax, sometimes when you use it, and I've used it a bunch in the past, You build up a tolerance, and then you stop using it, and it feels like shit when you stop using it. | ||
| Benzos are the worst. | ||
| They won't even admit you to rehab if you're on benzos. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I have a buddy who couldn't go to rehab because he's on benzos. | ||
| And you stop using it, and then the second you stop using it, you get sick, and you could die. | ||
| You could have a stroke. | ||
| But then when you go back to using it again, your tolerance goes back. | ||
| So you can take back to half a milligram and you feel it again. | ||
| But from what I understand, Greg used what he used to use. | ||
| And it just had its way with him. | ||
| I could be totally wrong. | ||
| And I hope I am. | ||
| I hope whatever. | ||
| I love Greg. | ||
| I really genuinely love Greg. | ||
| Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're saying something everybody knew. | ||
| You know, it's like Patrice dying of diabetes. | ||
| It's not a bad thing if you say that Patrice didn't take care of his health, because he didn't. | ||
| You know, it's just a fact. | ||
| It doesn't make him any less of an awesome guy, you know, or an amazing comedian, or just a fucking joy to be around. | ||
| He was all those things, but... | ||
| He also had diabetes. | ||
| He didn't take care of it. | ||
| I think of him a lot. | ||
| And by the way, these are all, whatever I say, fucking shelve it into what Bert's memory of his narrative is. | ||
| But Patrice called his girlfriend, Vaughn, when he was having a stroke and he's like, I feel weird. | ||
| Like something's going on. | ||
| I need to go to the hospital. | ||
| And you know what's so funny is I think anyone with anxiety attacks, an anxiety attack feels like that. | ||
| And so like sometimes I've been like sitting in a hotel room and I just feel weird. | ||
| Like everything's shifting. | ||
| You have an anxiety, a panic attack. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you start thinking you have a stroke. | ||
| And I think of what Patrice said that night. | ||
| Do you ever take yoga or do you ever meditate or anything like that? | ||
| No, I like to get into meditation. | ||
| I really like to. | ||
| Do you ever exercise when you're on the road? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not in the last 11 months. | ||
| No exercise at all? | ||
| Last 11 months, probably no. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I mean, a little bit, like, scattered. | ||
| Like, I'll feel, like, up for it. | ||
| I'll be like, goddammit, I feel like a piece of shit. | ||
| Let me get down there, and I'll run. | ||
| I'll run, walk two miles, and I'll lift some weights. | ||
| But not like, oh, like, right now I'm on a pretty sincere regiment where I'm working out. | ||
| I think I'm about 10... | ||
| I walk on my Fitbit, I walk like 10 to 12 miles a day. | ||
| Which is pretty good. | ||
| Burning about 4,000 calories. | ||
| Taking in under 2,000 a day. | ||
| Writing down everything I had taken other than... | ||
| This is a new thing that you're doing? | ||
| Yeah, it's on my vlog. | ||
| I just started doing it. | ||
| I started November 29th. | ||
| And who's giving you this number, like 2,000 calories? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me. | |
| I'm registering the calories. | ||
| But why did you decide on 2,000? | ||
| Because... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weight Watchers? | |
| No, just me. | ||
| Just decided that would be enough? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Now, do you look at, like, what you're actually eating? | ||
| Have you ever tried, like, different... | ||
| 100%. | ||
| What kind of diet are you on? | ||
| 100% I can literally run through what I've eaten. | ||
| Okay, well just tell me like what kind of foods are you avoiding? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I'm avoiding a lot of breads, a lot of sugars. | ||
| A lot of breads or all breads? | ||
| All breads, all breads, all sugars. | ||
| Those are two great steps. | ||
| Yeah, all breads, all sugars. | ||
| I'm cool with fruits. | ||
| I'm cool with a lot of vegetables. | ||
| Every vegetable can make its way in my mouth. | ||
| Vegetables are running a train on me. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Lean protein, salmon, chicken. | ||
| I do the shredded beef every now and then, which is just so good. | ||
| But if we do taco bowl night, I do tortillas and romaine lettuce. | ||
| And then I'll do almond butter and rice cakes as a snack. | ||
| And a lot of avocado. | ||
| And you've been doing this for? | ||
| Right now I'm... | ||
| Six days. | ||
| Six days. | ||
| And I've lost 13 pounds. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, if you can keep that up for like a few months, oh my god. | ||
| 12 pounds, 12 pounds. | ||
| 12 pounds for 12.4 pounds. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm just really active. | ||
| I get up in the morning and I just go at it. | ||
| But it's very easy to do when you're at home. | ||
| It's really hard to do on the road. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not hard to do... | ||
| Let me take that back. | ||
| It's not hard to do when you do a stand-up. | ||
| When you do a stand-up... | ||
| You have plenty of time. | ||
| Man, I always say to myself, I work out at 5 o'clock every day doing stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, you're in a weird position. | ||
| Because you're doing a TV show. | ||
| And there's TV shows on the travel show. | ||
| Two TV shows. | ||
| Actually, two or three. | ||
| Which ones are you doing? | ||
| I'm doing everything on the network. | ||
| What are the other ones? | ||
| I can't talk about two of them, but Birth Conqueror I can talk about because I've accidentally spilled the beans. | ||
| You're bringing Burke the Conqueror back? | ||
| Back. | ||
| We already shot a full season. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Did six half-hours, seven one-hours. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| When you're out there doing this, how often are you doing stand-up? | ||
| Say I shoot Bird of the Conqueror 13 weekends, I probably did stand-up during that time, probably four weekends out of that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I take that back. | ||
| Probably more than that, but four while shooting. | ||
| I'll shoot. | ||
| I did Toledo while we were shooting. | ||
| I did Atlanta while we were shooting. | ||
| I did Pittsburgh. | ||
| I'll do the weekend when I'm there, or an abbreviated weekend, like Friday, Saturday. | ||
| What do you think you'd be happier doing? | ||
| Do you think you'd be happier just doing stand-up all the time, just killing it on the road? | ||
| Or would you be happier if you continue to do these giant workload schedule shows like 11 episodes here, 12 episodes there, 6 of this, 7 of that, on the road for 11 months? | ||
| Would you be more happy if you were doing stand-up, you think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| It's not hard to say because my heart is in stand-up. | ||
| It's always been in stand-up. | ||
| The only thing I'm proud of in my life is the fact... | ||
| That I am a stand-up comedian. | ||
| The fact that I can, and it doesn't happen often, but the fact that I can roll into the Comedy Cellar, and I'll know Jim, I'll know Bobby, I'll know all the guys there. | ||
| The fact that it's like a fraternity that you've earned that you can't get. | ||
| You can't, like, just your parents pay money and you join it. | ||
| I will say very candidly that having money is really nice when you have a family. | ||
| Traveling stinks, but like, man, I've gotten opportunities in my life this last six years that no one will ever get in their life. | ||
| I mean, like... | ||
| From doing the show. | ||
| Doing the show is like, it's amazing. | ||
| I mean, working on Travel Channel is amazing. | ||
| Anthony Bourdain would tell you that, like, the same thing. | ||
| You just have these experiences. | ||
| Now, not even the ones on TV, but these great life experiences that, I mean, I'm a horrible person to be sitting next to with my wife at a party because someone will go, oh, I just did this. | ||
| And I have five experiences that are so much different than Cooler, insane, unbelievable than anyone's. | ||
| I go to this all the time. | ||
| You called me one morning and you said, what are you doing? | ||
| And I said, I'm riding a moped in Vietnam through rice paddies. | ||
| And you were like, are you fucking writing about this? | ||
| And I was just sitting in a rice paddy going like... | ||
| That was one of the coolest calls ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like, I don't want to lose that. | ||
| And I love that network, and I love the people that work in that network. | ||
| I always want to do that. | ||
| But I think you know this, and I know you know this, and I know that Bill Burr said the same thing to me, and Al Madrigal said the same thing to me, is that I've definitely unfocused on stand-up for the last year. | ||
| Last year, I've been touch-and-go. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I always... | ||
| I got the same shit that those star athlete quarterbacks like Michael Vick's brother had. | ||
| He had just a bunch of talent and a bunch of opportunity. | ||
| And then just was like, fuck it, I'll go pro. | ||
| And then didn't go pro. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I feel like that sometimes. | ||
| Where you're like, I got a lot of talent. | ||
| And I got a lot of ability. | ||
| And I can go around and fuck around on stage and have a good time. | ||
| But when it comes to making a solid hour... | ||
| And, like, doing what Bunz did. | ||
| I look at Bunz because he's my contemporary. | ||
| Tommy Segura. | ||
| I look at him. | ||
| I look at Ari. | ||
| He's my contemporary. | ||
| These are my, like, contemporaries. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I go, man, they're murdering it. | |
| They're killing it. | ||
| And now, granted, and Ari and I talk about this. | ||
| Ari's like, I'd love to have your job. | ||
| That's such a cool job. | ||
| But, like, where's the trade-off, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| A little bit. | ||
| There's going to be a trade-off, 100%. | ||
| There's no way around it, man. | ||
| I've got to retweet something for Ari. | ||
| I'm just remembering this. | ||
| There's going to be a trade-off, 100%. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| If you're going to do, I mean, that's how I always felt when I was doing Fear Factor. | ||
| I always felt like a big trade-off. | ||
| But go back to yourself in a time machine. | ||
| Yeah, well, I would do it again because I made enough money that I didn't have to give a fuck about anything. | ||
| And in that not giving a fuck, having not giving a fuck money, like true not giving a fuck money is when you can be yourself. | ||
| You don't have to say, oh, I shouldn't say this because then people are going to be upset at me. | ||
| Maybe that'll stop me from getting an audition or stop me from getting a... | ||
| But if you have enough money that you don't have to worry about that anymore, then you can be yourself. | ||
| So on stage, you can be yourself. | ||
| I'm not going to be myself on stage, but here's the question. | ||
| Is there... | ||
| Is there... | ||
| There's a time we should stop. | ||
| There's a time we should stop hoeing it out. | ||
| And go and do what you love the best. | ||
| That's, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or do less. | |
| Maybe not three shows. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Definitely three is too many. | ||
| Okay, here's the question. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Where do you consider whoring it out? | ||
| Because I don't consider anything you've done really whoring it out. | ||
| I whored it out for like six years doing Fear Factor. | ||
| And I think that my stand-up got better when I stopped doing Fear Factor. | ||
| Pretty positively. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| If I go to, like, Shiny Happy Jihad, it was, like, one of my best things ever, and I did it, like, right when I quit, or right when it ended. | ||
| And then from Shiny Happy Jihad, Talking Monkeys in Space is probably my best one after that, and that was no fear factor at all, no TV at all, just doing the UFC and stand-up. | ||
| And then I honestly think, like, now I might be doing too many things. | ||
| With a podcast and then doing the UFC and doing stand-up might be too many. | ||
| I think podcast and stand-up is, like, the way to go. | ||
| I think those are just having less stuff. | ||
| The less you have to focus on, the more you can focus on those things. | ||
| And then free time. | ||
| Free time is also giant. | ||
| It's giant. | ||
| Not having to go by anybody else's schedule. | ||
| Like if you want to go out to the Salton Sea and go visit that fucking weird guy's hill that he's painted and all these religious symbols and signs and crosses, you should be able to just do that. | ||
| Well then hold on. | ||
| Stop on that thought. | ||
| Because that's what I do for a living. | ||
| Right, but you have to do it with a camera, and you have to be with these people, and Bert, let me get you makeup. | ||
| Bert, I'm going to put a microphone on you, and you're doing it for 12 hours a day, and then you're going out to eat in some strange hotel in Boise with your fucking crew. | ||
| You know, there's great things to that, no doubt about it. | ||
| But I think that if you ultimately want to do your best stand-up, You probably should do less of it, right? | ||
| My wife was a big believer in putting what you want in the universe. | ||
| And so, like, right when she told me that, I think it might be a Scientology thing. | ||
| Your wife's a Scientologist? | ||
| No, but I gotta be honest with you. | ||
| I like a lot of their ideas. | ||
| I'm not a big... | ||
| I like all their... | ||
| Actually, I like all their crazy ideas. | ||
| The ones that they really grounded in, I don't get. | ||
| Like what ones? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aliens. | |
| I do believe in aliens. | ||
| I do believe in aliens. | ||
| What do you believe when you say you believe in aliens? | ||
| I believe there's fucking life forms out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I don't know if they started us. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I don't know if they started us just as much as I don't know if Jesus really got out and moved to fucking rock and was like, I'm bad, bitches! | ||
| So there's a lot that I hear about Scientology that makes sense. | ||
| They have those acting courses they teach in LA. Every young actor you ever hang out with took a Scientology acting course. | ||
| And it's about accountability, fucking being a better person, being your authentic self. | ||
| It's all Deepak Chopra shit. | ||
| Well, I'm in the middle of reading going clear, and when I say in the middle of it, I put it down, and I won't pick it up for a week or two, and then I pick it up for a few days, and I'll throw it down again. | ||
| I just get... | ||
| It's so bizarre that I'm worried that I'm gonna get infected by this dude's ridiculous ideas. | ||
| Well, the sea orb shit. | ||
| Like, L. Ron Hubbard was nuts. | ||
| My dad represented Scientology through the infancy stages. | ||
| Represented them as a lawyer? | ||
| One of their head lawyers. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My dad... | ||
| We're out of Tampa. | ||
| The onion continues to peel. | ||
| My dad can... | ||
| My dad's not like that at all. | ||
| My dad's not even... | ||
| He's religious, but Catholic. | ||
| Only Catholic in his 60s. | ||
| Like, fearing the fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, whatever's gonna happen. | ||
| Hell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But my dad, when we were kids, L. Ron Hubbard would show up. | ||
| My dad would have to go out to his yacht. | ||
| He lived in Clearwater and flew out to L.A. a bunch. | ||
| Yeah, Clearwater's the spot. | ||
| Oh, the rest is where the Sea Orgs are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so my dad doesn't believe in any of that shit. | ||
| My dad's like a phony, like phooey on that shit. | ||
| Phooey, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and my mom, I remember they went to a party and the one story is that my dad told my mom, don't fucking talk to anybody because you will get convinced this shit's real. | ||
| But yeah, Leanne's been through the Scientology acting classes, and a lot of their shit makes sense. | ||
| I dated a girl who went to Scientology acting class. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I went to the acting class with her at the time. | ||
| And so she wanted me to go to her acting class. | ||
| She was brutal. | ||
| Are you on TV at this time? | ||
| She needed so much attention. | ||
| Yes, I was. | ||
| She needed so much attention. | ||
| It was so ridiculous. | ||
| She wanted you to watch her rehearse for her thing in an acting class. | ||
| And she made me come to her acting class once when they did this thing called private moments. | ||
| And this is what private moments are. | ||
| What a private moment is, you would go on stage and you would just do stuff. | ||
| Like they had like a little set so they had like a bed and they had some books and they had like a little fake kitchen area and you would just go on stage and pretend that you were just hanging out by yourself like maybe reading a book and and I I remember sitting there First of all, the relationship was a disaster from Jump, but she was hot. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| But watching this whole thing go down, I was like, okay, do you understand what's happening here? | ||
| This is not acting. | ||
| You're not acting. | ||
| What this is, is they're giving you a little fix, okay? | ||
| You have this desire for attention, this overwhelming desire for attention. | ||
| And they say, hey, we don't even have anything for you to prepare, but you can be the person on stage for the next 10 minutes. | ||
| Everyone's going to look at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's kill 15 minutes with people fucking twiddling their thumbs. | |
| And that was, okay, what were you doing with the book there? | ||
| Is that how you normally would read a book? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, when I read, I like to read things that are important. | |
| And so, like, it was like they would go over the public moment, or the private moment, rather, with the various actors. | ||
| And I would love to sit there and listen to the things that they would say. | ||
| I only made it to, like, two of them. | ||
| Two classes where I was like, I can't do this. | ||
| You realize that could be a TV show on Comedy Central if you just did that with comics. | ||
| Five comics. | ||
| Jim Norton's private moments. | ||
| And it's just five minutes of Jim in a room, just watching him fucking do Jim. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ever see that show, Nathan For You? | |
| I think one of my favorite shows that's on right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| It's this comedian, Nathan, and he gets hired to go to these small businesses and help their business by using weird ways. | ||
| As an example, this bar, ever since smoking became... | ||
| I've got to interrupt for right now. | ||
| It totally sounds like Comedy Central is buying ad space through Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, has anyone seen David for you on Comedy Central? | |
| So, as an example, bars can't have smoking in them, and they're saying that they've lost a lot of money since that's happened. | ||
| A lot of smokers want to smoke in a bar, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| So he found like a loophole where you can make it a theater like a bar being a theater So he put up two seats sold like tickets so that you would sit down on these seats and just sit there and watch a bar for an hour That giving the bar being able to smoke cigarettes as if there were a play and it's just interesting like how he hacks normal Everyday things it's really funny But what's the one? | ||
| And he did, I mean, it's a very funny show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dumb Starbucks. | |
| Dumb Starbucks is the big one that everyone knows. | ||
| Where, using parody laws, he made a whole thing called Dumb Starbucks, so it looked just like a Starbucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He could sell coffee because he was using a parody law. | |
| And he does this, like, every episode, it's so amazing. | ||
| I heard about the dumb Starbucks one. | ||
| Dumb Starbucks. | ||
| It's actually a pretty good show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll be honest with you. | ||
| The better show than that... | ||
| Who's the guy you guys... | ||
| I know his name. | ||
| It'll come to me. | ||
| The guy you had that always wore the blue hat. | ||
| They had a Comedy Central show. | ||
| He came in. | ||
| I kind of felt like it might have been like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Judah Freelander? | |
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I know Judah. | ||
| He did the show with Coach... | ||
| His name's Ben. | ||
| Ben... | ||
| That guy's show was super funny and he didn't get enough of a chance. | ||
| What was the name? | ||
| Ben Franklin? | ||
| Not Franklin. | ||
| It was my first vodka. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ben Hoffman. | |
| You had him in here, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I liked his show a lot. | ||
| Did you ever hear his coach one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, it's so funny. | ||
| Can you play it, Jamie? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, never mind. | ||
| Comedy Central Pause. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, you can do that. | ||
| Because they have their own, they have the Comedy Central Live, they have their own website where they encourage people to go and watch their shows. | ||
| I talked to Ari about that. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| No, he doesn't like it? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't talk to him about that. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Fucking know he doesn't like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's upset? | |
| Because we're fucking grown-ups and we know how this internet works. | ||
| It's like, look, my kid's never going to get one over me on Instagram because I've been in this shit. | ||
| And you're never going to bring a person... | ||
| I promise you this, and I... I bite my tongue sometimes. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You're not even on Comedy Central. | ||
| I have a deal with them. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He doesn't like it that they pull stuff off of YouTube. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love you, Ari. | ||
| This is what Ari said. | ||
| I love you, Ari. | ||
| Whatever you said. | ||
| Okay, okay, okay, Jay. | ||
| Fucking. | ||
| We both agree with this. | ||
| Look, fucking people find content is where you find content. | ||
| If content drives you to traditional media, then so be it. | ||
| That's how this fucking business works. | ||
| We push it on YouTube because that's where people are finding content. | ||
| And then I put five minutes of a show on YouTube and you like it and you go, I kind of want to watch that show. | ||
| And then you go there. | ||
| Like when I look at trailers, I watch trailers for movies that I will see inside movie theaters on YouTube and on Apple movies. | ||
| That's where I go. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And so Comedy Central and Travel's guilty of this as well sometimes. | ||
| They try to get all the traffic to their website. | ||
| It's the older people in the company that don't technically get how people are using their content and finding their content and enjoying their content. | ||
| I know how I enjoy mine. | ||
| I sit online and I fucking watch it on YouTube. | ||
| And I go through YouTube, and I go into a spiral. | ||
| And next thing you know, I'm watching botflies getting extracted out of a guy's back. | ||
| Now I'm looking at ear cleaning. | ||
| Now I'm watching Opium Gym. | ||
| Like, that's how it goes. | ||
| But no one that's, like Leanne, my wife is 45. She hasn't used fucking YouTube. | ||
| She's never used YouTube in her life. | ||
| She tried to find a video the other day. | ||
| She's like, it's on Facebook. | ||
| I go, well Google the things you remember from it. | ||
| Google that, and those are the code keywords, and you'll find it. | ||
| She's like, no, it's not on Google. | ||
| It's on Facebook. | ||
| But that's who's running Comedy Central. | ||
| So when they go, we don't want any of our content on YouTube because it's a bunch of ad sales dollars that we're missing out on. | ||
| Maybe they're accurate in some extent, but I would argue that 300,000 people watch me talk about fighting a bear on Ari's, this is not happening now, on YouTube. | ||
| I would venture to say not one person woke up that morning after they saw that and went to ComedyCentral.com and then said, hey, check this out. | ||
| Swipe, swipe, swipe. | ||
| This is Burt. | ||
| Yeah, they're not going to go there. | ||
| This is what they need to understand. | ||
| You can get money from YouTube ads. | ||
| They just need to control their own YouTube channels, and then they could have it on YouTube... | ||
| And it would be on the Comedy Central channel on YouTube and put all their stuff up there. | ||
| And they would make plenty of money. | ||
| And I don't think it would cost them shit because no one's paying for anything, man. | ||
| No one's paying for anything. | ||
| They're not going to pay for shows. | ||
| Unless it's on Apple TV and you can just buy the whole season like Game of Thrones or something like that and watch it. | ||
| Or like a show like Walking Dead. | ||
| I pay for The Walking Dead so I don't have to watch those fucking commercials. | ||
| Because I've made the mistake of recording it on live TV and then trying to watch it when I've been used to watching it on Apple TV. It's unwatchable. | ||
| The fucking commercials are brutal. | ||
| Anytime something happens, the fade to black and a fucking dancing tied box comes on the screen. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hulu's no commercial option is awesome, by the way. | |
| It's like an extra five bucks or something. | ||
| Another thing Brian's being paid for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hulu Comedy Central. | |
| You guys still sponsored by Hulu? | ||
| But it's a new era. | ||
| And I think you're right, that a lot of people need to understand that. | ||
| Having things on YouTube, it doesn't take money away from you. | ||
| It makes your show bigger. | ||
| You know, the more Ari has his content on YouTube, the more it's going to make that show bigger, the more Comedy Central is going to get more viewers, the more ad dollars they're going to make. | ||
| It's not taking any money away from them. | ||
| It's making it bigger. | ||
| It's going to make a show bigger. | ||
| Period. | ||
| I mean, think about... | ||
| We've talked about this and touched on this at certain times, but the fact that we have free content out there, the fact that I fucking three, four years ago told a story on your podcast that changed the scope of my career, and I never make any money off that. | ||
| I don't make any money off the guys that have posted it. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| You think I look at Become My Minions is the guy's name. | ||
| You think I look at him and go, man, he's making ad dollars on this. | ||
| That guy was great enough to create a comic and add it to the story, and it got me people to come to my shows. | ||
| That's what I give a fuck about. | ||
| It's free content, man. | ||
| That's why I'm doing the vlog. | ||
| Just think about, like, Comedy Central, how much money they spent on advertising. | ||
| On billboards, they had that giant billboard above sunset. | ||
| That billboard above sunset, above pink dot, didn't get nearly as many people to listen or watch to Ari's show as a YouTube video would. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| What he's doing right now with the storytelling is so fucking smart. | ||
| It's so smart. | ||
| I've told this to two people, probably more than that, but definitely to Ari and Tommy. | ||
| I'm jealous in the most happy way for them. | ||
| Like, I'm so happy that they did what they wanted to do. | ||
| What's interesting to me is because you're very successful right now, but it seems like you look at what they're doing and it looks like more fun to you than what you're doing, or it looks like something more attractive to you than what you're doing. | ||
| That's why you're saying you're jealous. | ||
| I am jealous. | ||
| I'm definitely jealous. | ||
| But I don't want people to associate that with negative. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| You're not a petty guy. | ||
| It's like you said one time, you saw Dave Chappelle at the comedy store working out, and you got... | ||
| I don't know if you said jealous, but you said you got... | ||
| Envious of how great he was, and you went home and wrote. | ||
| Well, I would say inspired would be the term that I would use. | ||
| I don't think it was an envious thing, but it's certainly like, wow, God damn, he's so good, and you want to run home. | ||
| Anybody can get envious. | ||
| We all can fall prey to that. | ||
| Maybe I'm broad-stroking that. | ||
| I don't let it in. | ||
| I don't let it in, man. | ||
| I know what it is. | ||
| I feel it. | ||
| I don't let it in. | ||
| I recognize it. | ||
| I turn it the other way. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| I don't sit and go, God, I fucking want that. | ||
| That's jealousy. | ||
| That's envy. | ||
| But I recognize that feeling. | ||
| I recognize that feeling of like, But we've all seen people that do get that jealous, envy, angry thing. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| Well, I don't get that. | ||
| What I get for with Ari, and like Big Jay Oakerson. | ||
| Big Jay Oakerson did, I went out to New York. | ||
| To do its crowd work show. | ||
| It's all crowd work. | ||
| And it was a bunch of comics. | ||
| It was at the Village Underground. | ||
| It was fucking... | ||
| No, it wasn't. | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
| I don't remember what it was. | ||
| But it was great. | ||
| Rich Voss and I were on the same show. | ||
| And I look at Jay and I watch him do crowd work. | ||
| And Big Jay, his crowd work, is impeccable. | ||
| I do good crowd work. | ||
| I'm a really good crowd work guy. | ||
| Not like Big J. Big J can do it for a living for the rest of his life and never write material. | ||
| He's that fucking good. | ||
| He does it all the time, too. | ||
| He is. | ||
| Joe, I'm telling you, watch Big J do crowd work. | ||
| And, like, I don't know how you do it the way I do, but, like, I go to crowd work when I want to do it. | ||
| I don't just do it all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Man, he fucking destroyed. | ||
| And I literally looked at him, and I was like, I was so... | ||
| I'm enviously proud of him, like going, Big J, you sold your own show. | ||
| You're doing just what Ari did. | ||
| But with crowd work, what your thing is. | ||
| And I look at those guys, and you're right. | ||
| I think I do look at them and think, like, I know Ari's a different beast. | ||
| He answers to nobody. | ||
| He wants to do his own fucking thing, take a year off from stand-up. | ||
| He'll do it. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| I'm envious of that, in that, like... | ||
| It's gotta feel really good to be untethered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, to be like, you know what, man? | ||
| I got no fears. | ||
| Not to say... | ||
| I'm fucking filled with fears. | ||
| Everyone knows that. | ||
| But, like, I got no fears. | ||
| I'll do my thing. | ||
| And, like, I remember, like... | ||
| We were having a conversation about notes Comedy Central was given, and Ari's take was, well, they're wrong. | ||
| Like, just so impervious to critique. | ||
| They're wrong. | ||
| I know what I'm doing. | ||
| Like, just almost like Winston Churchill, like walking down the street. | ||
| Well, it becomes a real problem when you have a vision for a show, then a bunch of people come along, they have their own vision, and they try to get the greasy little fingers on your vision and change it and add their little jizz to the fucking soup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| I told him my notes that I had just gotten from the network from Comedy Central. | ||
| He was like, don't do it! | ||
| That's why it's no good to do something that's... | ||
| You collaborate creatively when you do one of those things with people that aren't creative. | ||
| Like, they might be creative, but they're not stand-up comics. | ||
| So if they're telling a stand-up comic, like, you have a vision of what you want it to be, and they're telling you that you're wrong, you should do it a different way, that's going to be a disaster. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| I experienced that on The Man Show. | ||
| We got in the most fucking insane arguments over nonsense, where Doug would come into the room pulling his hair, and he'd be like, I can't fucking believe this is something we're arguing over. | ||
| Like, and I would go, what are they saying? | ||
| And he would tell me what they were saying. | ||
| Well, that can't be real. | ||
| That's really what it is. | ||
| One of them, I think I've told this before, but we had a game show called Make Me Hard, where we'd have a bunch of different things happen. | ||
| The guy had a box over his dick where the light would go on when he got a boner, so we'd have like midgets eating bananas, ding, ding, ding. | ||
| You know, it's really stupid, but they didn't, they wouldn't let us use hard. | ||
| We had to call it stiff. | ||
| A crying argument. | ||
| Like, crying. | ||
| Like, it's gone too far. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| When Joey Diaz, we had Joey Diaz introduce us. | ||
| And Joey Diaz came out naked with Timberlands on. | ||
| Let's get this party started! | ||
| That was the beginning of every episode. | ||
| That's what we wanted to do. | ||
| They were literally crying. | ||
| Executives. | ||
| Female executives. | ||
| Crying. | ||
| How was that man show? | ||
| How was that funny? | ||
| It's not funny. | ||
| Tears. | ||
| And I'm like, I can't even believe I'm having this conversation. | ||
| I go, how about we do this? | ||
| So we did two ways. | ||
| I go, we'll do the normal way first. | ||
| We'll have them introduce us, normal. | ||
| I go, and then we'll do it our way. | ||
| Joey will come out naked. | ||
| So we do the normal way. | ||
| Alright, we're gonna do a second take. | ||
| He fucking kicks the door open. | ||
| Let's get this party started! | ||
| They go apeshit. | ||
| People are falling out of their chairs. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| You know, and he introduces us. | ||
| Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan! | ||
| And the place goes apeshit. | ||
| The fucking room changes. | ||
| And I looked at the lady and went, see? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Like, don't tell me what's funny. | ||
| You don't think it's funny. | ||
| You want everything to be alt-clever, like it would work really great at the UCB and everybody would golf clap. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| You want props for putting together a really smart and diverse show. | ||
| Like, that's not what we're here to do. | ||
| We're here to just make the shit that we think is going to be the funniest. | ||
| And we can't do that with you. | ||
| You're an albatross. | ||
| You're a bundle of wood. | ||
| You're a burdensome woman. | ||
| You're a burdensome woman? | ||
| That's a burdensome woman. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And it didn't just so happen that she was a woman. | ||
| If it was a guy that was crying, I would smack him. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, I think, I don't know, yeah. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| That's why the YouTube option is the best option, or an online option is the best option. | ||
| That's why podcasts are so superior, a form of expression, than anything you're ever going to find on network television. | ||
| Because whether it's good or whether it's bad, it's ultimately all coming from you, 100%. | ||
| Dude, we had this conversation the other day, but the... | ||
| Creating your own content, putting your own content out there, and making your own content, despite what you may believe your content is. | ||
| I woke up this morning, I got a tweet from some guy, and he was like, hey man, I haven't had a BirdCast in a week, like, what's going on? | ||
| And I was like, nah, fuck it, and I hit, like, you know, I'll get on it, I'm doing Rogan today, enjoy that. | ||
| And then all of a sudden I was like, fuck it, man, I can get up and go to the Man Cave and bang out a podcast, get up, fucking start talking, Incorporate my vlog go out get the girls donuts podcast the whole thing talk to people at yum yums and it's like You're creating your own content is is being the owner of your own shit is where the future is It is but there are places that will let you do your thing and that's where Netflix is right now Yeah, bill bird just he has a show coming out December 18th. | ||
| It's called f is for family and His experience with them has been amazing. | ||
| And him talking about his experience with them and creating that show, he's like, they left me alone. | ||
| They just let me do the best show that I could do. | ||
| He brought on a bunch of great people, great voice actors, great writers. | ||
| And he put together this fucking banging animated show that's going to be killer. | ||
| They just let him be himself. | ||
| They let him do his thing. | ||
| They're fucking getting it. | ||
| And they're internet-based. | ||
| But how soon until they... | ||
| How soon until they get so recognized that fucking 2020 does a piece on Netflix taking over public television or regular television and then execs start flooding into Netflix and Netflix becomes that? | ||
| From Comedy Central, from NBC. The real problem is those people that were in the original networks. | ||
| Those dinosaurs, those motherfuckers on CBS and NBC and ABC, they are dealing with soap operas. | ||
| They're dealing with nonsense. | ||
| They're dealing with the multi-camera shoot sitcoms. | ||
| You know, well, who could possibly do that? | ||
| Door kicks in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's Kramer! | |
| You know what somebody did the other day? | ||
| Somebody put out a bunch of outtakes from Seinfeld, and you got to see, like, Angry Kramer. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| He fucking sizzled. | ||
| If anyone was, like, laughing, he would be like... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He would have hated working on news radio. | ||
| I did a scene with Andy Dick where I think we probably broke like 10 times. | ||
| It was like 10 times to get through it because Andy was so funny. | ||
| We'd do the things. | ||
| I would bite myself. | ||
| I'd bite the inside of my mouth to hurt so I wouldn't laugh. | ||
| I would do all sorts of different things so that I wouldn't crack up. | ||
| But if it's a funny show, you're going to laugh. | ||
| I could have never done news radio. | ||
| I was watching the video. | ||
| It looked like he didn't give a fuck about the scene. | ||
| He was waiting for his moment. | ||
| He was waiting for his time to come in and shine. | ||
| He didn't care that Julia Louise Dreyfus and Jerry Seinfeld were laughing. | ||
| They were all laughing and yucking it up. | ||
| He didn't want to be a part of that. | ||
| He just wanted to do his thing. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| If you watch it, you watch him just go. | ||
| And like, not even joking, like, stop it. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| You're ruining this. | ||
| Like, he fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seems like they all had some weird things going on. | |
| Like, George's wife, who died in the show, died because he didn't like her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, acting with her. | |
| He's like, she sucks. | ||
| So they killed her off. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But that is possible, though, man. | ||
| You can have a husband or a wife on a show and they're a goddamn nightmare and you're stuck with those people. | ||
| For five years. | ||
| Dude, that's a real problem. | ||
| I had a friend who did a sitcom and he had a girlfriend on a sitcom that was supposed to be his girlfriend and he was like, I fucking hate her. | ||
| She's such a cunt. | ||
| And he didn't know what to do. | ||
| Fortunately, it didn't last, but They have issues like that. | ||
| And you could run into issues like that. | ||
| And also people change with success. | ||
| Like the show starts getting really good and then they want a lot of money. | ||
| I've heard those crazy stories of people coming in to renegotiate and plopping their feet up on the executives' desks and just letting them know they're the center of the show. | ||
| I'll never be that guy. | ||
| I know those guys, man. | ||
| I know a guy who got his whole show canceled because he said some nasty shit to an executive that was a woman. | ||
| He literally said, to paraphrase, I am the creative genius behind this show and you are a dumb cunt. | ||
| That was his words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And they went, that's a wrap! | ||
| They canceled the show the next day, and he was only like a few episodes away from syndication. | ||
| You'll never see that show in syndication. | ||
| I'll tell you after the show's over. | ||
| After it's over, I'll tell you. | ||
| I don't want to shit on the guy. | ||
| But it's publicly known that he's, you know, he's insane. | ||
| But I think it's also like, why did you become an actor in the first place? | ||
| Why did you become a stand-up? | ||
| For a lot of people, they want validation because they were rejected. | ||
| And they have this hole in their soul. | ||
| They need to fill up with love and attention. | ||
| And they didn't get enough of it when they were developing. | ||
| So they have this overwhelming maw, this need, this gaping volcano that just swallows couches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mwaaah! | |
| And they just need attention. | ||
| They can't fill that fucker up. | ||
| And then once they get what they always wanted and they're still not happy, they don't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| And a lot of them become tyrants. | ||
| But here's the problem. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| What percentage of that group do you think does that... | ||
| Because I got a little bit of that fucking sinkhole. | ||
| Like, I'm a stand-up. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| I got that sinkhole. | ||
| That's what gets you into the game. | ||
| But I have no interest in... | ||
| And we were talking about this before you walked in. | ||
| I have no interest in propaganda or being famous. | ||
| Being famous for the sake of being famous, although I'll fuck around with the concept of it. | ||
| I have no, like, I don't want to be Kim Kardashian. | ||
| I'd rather be a respected stand-up. | ||
| So what's the difference, then, between that fucking, that sinkhole that's sucking in all of you versus, like, us guys who I really love the art form. | ||
| I really love... | ||
| Well, the difference is between, like... | ||
| Larry David and Kramer. | ||
| Like, Larry David is a creative, brilliant man. | ||
| He's genius. | ||
| That show Curb Your Enthusiasm is fucking genius. | ||
| And it's all him poking fun at himself and finding the best possible comedic angle of everything. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| He's always a loser in every episode. | ||
| I mean, it's goddamn... | ||
| Brilliant, brilliant show. | ||
| And he, by all accounts, is a very level guy. | ||
| Like, very intelligent, is not needed. | ||
| He just wants to do the best work he can do. | ||
| And brilliant, brilliant, absolutely brilliant. | ||
| That's the difference between a guy like him and a guy like Kramer. | ||
| And my thoughts on Kramer are only from watching him do stand-up. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| I wasn't a guy that was into Seinfeld for whatever reason. | ||
| I never watched that show. | ||
| I only watched a couple episodes of it ever. | ||
| It was a good show. | ||
| It's just there was only so many things you can watch, you know, and you get when you have South Park or Married with Children or whatever the fuck it is on your plate that you watch a lot of, you can only watch so many shows. | ||
| For whatever reason, Seinfeld wasn't the show that I watched all the time, although the ones that I did watch were always really hilarious. | ||
| But I got to see him do stand-up at the store and he was fucking awful. | ||
| It was like a guy who had nothing prepared and just went up there with like a reputation and some pratfalls and it didn't make any sense. | ||
| Like it wasn't like he was trying to work out some bits. | ||
| Like you'll see a guy come in and try to work out some shit. | ||
| Like even like a famous person will come in like a Paul Reiser or someone like that will come into a club and they'll try to work out some shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's not what he was doing. | ||
| What he was doing just didn't make any sense. | ||
| I saw him at the improv like the weekend before. | ||
| The weekend before the disaster? | ||
| Yeah, the disaster. | ||
| And it was uncomfortable. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| Like you literally... | ||
| He fell and he landed on his glass and broke his glass. | ||
| Like he did like a pratfall and broke his glass and all I remember thinking is did he just cut his hip? | ||
| Like is he gonna be bleeding now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like legit falls. | |
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I called Joe up that night. | |
| I'm like, you gotta see Kramer's on stage right now. | ||
| He's acting all fucked up. | ||
| Like, he seems like he's on something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's with some girl that she's wasted to. | |
| And then he got off stage, went to Laugh Factory. | ||
| It all happened. | ||
| Jamie ran across the street with TMZ with the video. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Brent Ernst was there. | ||
| So Brent Ernst came over to the store, because I got there at the Comedy Store right after he had gone wacky at the Comedy Store, and there was a buzz around, and Brian had called me up, and a bunch of other people were talking about how fucking coked up he was. | ||
| And so then he went down to the Laugh Factory and had his meltdown, and Brent Ernst was there and saw it, and he came back to the store, and he's like, You know how Brent talks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, yo, you ain't gonna believe how fucking crazy Kramer got at the laughing. | |
| Unlaced Adidas on your dog. | ||
| With a fucking full tracksuit on, dropping N-bombs like a motherfucker. | ||
| I go, no. | ||
| He goes, oh, yeah. | ||
| These black kids were heckling him, and he starts dropping N-bombs, and I'm like, no. | ||
| I go, was it funny? | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
| No, it wasn't funny. | ||
| He's like, it's funny now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then Monday, it hit, and it was the first instance of a video of someone being captured doing something crazy like that, and then putting it on the internet, and it just ruining that person. | ||
| Destroy them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, here's the night when I called you. | |
| That's right! | ||
| Look at Babyface Brian and Kramer. | ||
| You have a Caesar. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Babyface Brian and Kramer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That was the first. | ||
| So see if you can, what are the top five instances of cameras coming out at a comedy club that a comic then had to do a Monday morning Mia Copa? | ||
| You got Kramer. | ||
| Who are the other ones? | ||
| We got Tosh. | ||
| But Tosh didn't really do a mea culpa. | ||
| Even his apology. | ||
| First of all, that woman did not record it. | ||
| No one recorded it. | ||
| That's part of the problem, was her version of the facts were completely distorted. | ||
| So then you disregard... | ||
| She wrote a whole blog about her heckling and his response to her heckle. | ||
| That's essentially what happened. | ||
| But he acknowledged it. | ||
| He definitely acknowledged it, but he didn't really apologize. | ||
| No, but right there, to whittle it down to this, what is the difference then between Daniel Tosh and Tracy Morgan and Patton Oswalt acknowledging they're getting fucking blogged about versus Michael Kramer? | ||
| Is it the fear, the culture of fear? | ||
| What did Patton Oswalt do? | ||
| Patton Oswalt, uh, some woman was videotaping him and he yelled at her at the whatchamacallit and, uh, and he said shut up and then he kicked her out and he was a dick to her and then she had to leave and then he had to just someone google Patton Oswalt. | ||
| Man, we don't need to. | ||
| We don't need to. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Yeah, I think Patton... | ||
| Yo, Jamie, cut my camera. | ||
| Cut the camera! | ||
| Burt Kreischer smoking marijuana! | ||
| Cut the camera! | ||
| This is, as Joey Diaz would say, this is that pedophile smoke there with the church. | ||
| So yeah, I count Tracy Morgan and Patton Oswalt and Daniel Tosh in the Michael Kramer shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dave Chappelle maybe has a solution to all this. | |
| Well, Hannibal came up with a solution first. | ||
| He started using it after the Bill Cosby thing. | ||
| That bag. | ||
| You give a bag to people and they put their cell phones in it so they can't record while they're in there. | ||
| But how many fucking... | ||
| What if they have a cell phone in their sock? | ||
| Are you going to check their whole body's cell phones? | ||
| I think they're talking about big theaters that Chappelle would be in where they would have the security, the metal detectors. | ||
| You have to You guys metal detectors at theaters? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you know, UFC has them. | |
| They all have them in big theaters nowadays. | ||
| But that's an arena, though. | ||
| Most of the theaters that we perform at, like if I perform at a place that's got 3,000 seats or something like that, they don't have metal detectors. | ||
| Do they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Have you ever walked through the doors? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think they do nowadays. | |
| I mean, look at Eagles of Death Metal. | ||
| You know, that kind of arena place probably has, you know, security and stuff like that. | ||
| How much time do we have left? | ||
| Do I have another time for another drink? | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have another drink. | |
| It's only 4 o'clock. | ||
| Oh, perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bird motherfucking crying. | |
| Bird was saying that he got to a point where he was drinking. | ||
| Fucking Brian, I told you when I said that, these are secrets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I didn't say the rest of it. | |
| Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, jump in. | ||
| Jamie, fucking jump in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Secret secrets aren't a fun. | |
| Yeah, Brian, I said that was a secret. | ||
| I said I don't like to share everything, because sometimes Joey, Ari, and Bunz are too honest. | ||
| And they don't go like, all you guys are very honest. | ||
| You have my wife's thing. | ||
| If you want to feel better about yourself, talk to Jamie and fucking Brian. | ||
| If you want to hear the truth and the brutal truth, talk to you, Joey, Ari, or fucking Bunz. | ||
| And so, yes, I was getting to a point where I was drinking a thing of, not a handle of Tito's, but a bottle of Tito's a night on the road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That wasn't what I was going to say, but you said, Motherfucker! | |
| That is what he was going to say. | ||
| That was what he was going to say. | ||
| Absolutely, he's full of shit. | ||
| Yeah, so. | ||
| And I also got the fucking Doug Stanhope lump in my stomach. | ||
| A lump? | ||
| Like a hernia? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Does it, like when you flex, does your intestines pop out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can get that fixed. | ||
| I know I can. | ||
| It's not that big a deal. | ||
| I don't know if it's facts. | ||
| I'm so fat right now. | ||
| I don't know if it's... | ||
| How does it poke out? | ||
| I tried sitting up in bed the other day, and I just noticed that my stomach had what looked like a sail in the center of my stomach, so I was like... | ||
| I know Doug showed it to me. | ||
| A sale. | ||
| Doug's got like three of them. | ||
| Doug's got a little different than mine, but I texted... | ||
| Three hernias. | ||
| I texted Doug right away. | ||
| I was like, hey man, I think I got that thing you got. | ||
| And Doug was like, ah, I hung out with a doctor. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| I hung out with a doctor. | ||
| It was a gynecologist. | ||
| Doug's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dad just got a hernia last week. | |
| That's right, we're talking about that. | ||
| I love, I gotta say this, and I know there's a lot of crossover fans. | ||
| If you are a Rogan fan and you're not listening to Doug's podcast, you're missing out a huge portion of just, of what a podcast should be. | ||
| His podcast is so fucking good. | ||
| He's great at everything. | ||
| He's great at fucking everything, but man, his podcast... | ||
| I'm just so bummed out that he lives in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| I'm thinking about taking a road trip to the Super Bowl. | ||
| To do a Super Bowl party? | ||
| Yeah, just to roll out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| Because it's not that big. | ||
| It's not that big anymore. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's going to be now. | ||
| We're talking about it right now on a podcast. | ||
| You're going to be there. | ||
| He released the address online. | ||
| What if I go, I'm going too? | ||
| Then it's going to compound. | ||
| We're going to get another hundred people. | ||
| It'll be chaos. | ||
| His streets will be overrun with retards. | ||
| He'll give out his address. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Here's Dan Hopes' reply. | ||
| Nah, I've successfully ignored it for quite a while, and I actually had a doctor say that he's ignored his for 30 years, and then I wrote back, that's exactly what I wanted to hear. | ||
| It's fine unless you plan on lifting anything. | ||
| If you want to carry a sandbag up a hill, you might have a problem with that thing because it'll tear further. | ||
| As your stomach wall tears further, your intestines will poke out more. | ||
| And the hole can get bigger depending on how much you strain yourself. | ||
| Or you can just get it fixed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to get to a base level. | ||
| I'm going to get to like 230 and see where I'm at. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How about just get it checked out? | ||
| I can just get to 2.30. | ||
| Just go get a doctor to look at it. | ||
| They'll probably be able to tell you right away, and then you can go, oh, okay, it's nothing. | ||
| When I'm 2.30, I'll do that. | ||
| It's got this thing, huh? | ||
| That's the number? | ||
| 2.30? | ||
| I get to 2.30. | ||
| No health checks until 2.30. | ||
| Fucking no health checks. | ||
| Who rolls into a health check fucking, like, unhealthy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever been on a horse? | |
| Because you're not allowed to ride a horse over 225 pounds. | ||
| I've been on a lot of horses. | ||
| I've sprinted on horses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You're not allowed to ride on a horse? | ||
| Most horses can't go over 225 pounds unless they're just a giant horse. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| I ran Buffalo through Texas. | ||
| What about those Budweiser horses? | ||
| They're big as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's Clydesdales. | |
| You can totally ride that bitch like Conan the Barbarian. | ||
| The new Game of Thrones horses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a cool horse. | |
| Yeah, I mean, it would seem to me that that horse could, like, take me, well, I'm only 200, but if I was 220, I would think a horse could take me, no problem. | ||
| Those big giant horses? | ||
| They could take, like, three or four, I bet. | ||
| Those giant Clydesdale-looking things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're so big. | |
| Two birds, at least. | ||
| You ever been in front of one of those things in real life? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They're so big. | ||
| Like, they're muscles, and, like, you think about the fact that this thing just lets you climb on its back and it runs. | ||
| Don't get me started. | ||
| Horses are incredible, man. | ||
| I laid in bed with my dogs last night, and I thought, how fucking cool. | ||
| I think that's in the Bible. | ||
| Oh, never mind. | ||
| I ignored the story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Prank caller. | |
| How cool? | ||
| How cool is it to, like... | ||
| Like, get in bed with two warriors who are ready to go to fucking battle for you. | ||
| If someone rolls in the bedroom, I was like, I really felt like Jon Snow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| I was like, man, I'm sitting here with Priscilla. | ||
| Mona is a little shit dog. | ||
| But Priscilla, who's like 130 pounds, just sitting there, just at my leg, just staring at the door, sleeping face to the door. | ||
| Any noise made, she's up and willing to die for me. | ||
| I thought, how cool is it? | ||
| Like, my wife would never do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| Female dogs are super protective. | ||
| They're really good at that. | ||
| How many pit bulls did you lay in bed with at one time? | ||
| I had three in bed at one time. | ||
| Who fucks... | ||
| Okay, think about how defensible that is. | ||
| Who fucks best? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who fucks best? | |
| Out of the three ones. | ||
| Who's your favorite to come on? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Which one's got ball duty? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's an owl here. | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Who could fuck with that bedroom? | ||
| You got three pitbulls and you in a bed. | ||
| Someone with guns. | ||
| The great equalizer is guns. | ||
| The great equalizer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to get a gun. | |
| It's about time. | ||
| That's what everybody is scared of people thinking now when you have the San Bernardino thing that happened. | ||
| Is that people are just going to be ready and armed and we're going to turn into some sort of a military state. | ||
| I mean, how many of these things can... | ||
| You know, two of them happened yesterday. | ||
| Here's another weird thing. | ||
| Most people don't know that there was a second armed mass shooting and killing in Georgia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, it was near Atlanta. | ||
| On the same day, same day, there was four people were killed in Georgia. | ||
| Was it in Atlanta? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was. | |
| It was in Atlanta. | ||
| And, you know, it's one of those things that I do not know if there's a fucking solution for. | ||
| It's one of those weird things where you look at the amount of guns that exist, you look at the amount of people that there are, The amount of disenfranchised people with mental illnesses, the amount of people that are religious fanatics, the amount of people that are just fucking batshit crazy. | ||
| And when you deal with 350 million people, which is I think what the United States is now, somewhere between 300 and 350? | ||
| You're gonna have a certain amount of nutty fucking people, man. | ||
| There's almost no avoiding it. | ||
| There's so much pressure and stress and life is difficult for you. | ||
| You're a successful guy with three TV shows and you're talking about how much you have to drink to be on a plane. | ||
| You're talking about anxiety that you get in a hotel room and you're a successful stand-up comedian and a television host of three fucking shows. | ||
| Your life is ballin'. | ||
| You got a beautiful wife. | ||
| You have a great family. | ||
| You're hilarious. | ||
| You're a good guy. | ||
| It's like everything is in place and you still freak out. | ||
| Imagine some guy who's married to some monster, who works for a tyrant, who lives in a shithole, Who's every day just looking at his crime and flat tires and stealing and breaking and entering. | ||
| And that's his life every day, all day, constantly. | ||
| And there's a lot of people like that out there, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that don't get any love. | ||
| They have no place in their life where it feels like they're making a connection. | ||
| They've missed. | ||
| They've slammed into walls at every turn. | ||
| They have a dumb job they don't give a fuck about that a robot can do. | ||
| They're idiots. | ||
| And they just realize it, and they're fucking horrified. | ||
| And they're angry, and their programming from birth to today has been nothing but dog shit by shitty parents and shitty circumstances and shitty genetics, shitty neighborhoods, shitty life experiences, bullying, rape, molestation, alcoholism, racism, constantly over and over and over and over and over and over. | ||
| And they somehow survive to get to the point where they get their hands on a gun. | ||
| That's what we're dealing with. | ||
| That's what we're dealing with. | ||
| What we're dealing with is humans freaking out and finding a way to kill other humans. | ||
| To focus on the mechanism in which they're doing that with, we're missing a giant piece of the puzzle. | ||
| There's too many fucking guns, for sure. | ||
| It's too easy to get a gun, for sure. | ||
| You should have... | ||
| Look, I have guns. | ||
| You should have to take tests, okay? | ||
| There should have to be some very stringent requirements on your capabilities. | ||
| We should know exactly how you... | ||
| Do you know where the safety is? | ||
| Do you know what's a safe way to point the gun? | ||
| Do you know how to load it correctly? | ||
| Do you know how to clean it? | ||
| Do you clean it? | ||
| You just have this ultimate weapon of destruction, and you don't have to have any knowledge of how to use it at all. | ||
| But to have a car, you have to show that you can turn, you can hit the brakes, you can hit the blinkers. | ||
| You have to show all this competency. | ||
| You have to show all this knowledge of all the laws and all the rules. | ||
| You don't need to show none of that thing to get a gun. | ||
| All you have to do is just not be a criminal. | ||
| That's all you have to do. | ||
| Don't be a criminal. | ||
| Are you a criminal? | ||
| We're gonna do a little check on you, Mr. Kreischer. | ||
| Oh, you're not a criminal? | ||
| Well, here's your gun. | ||
| Okay, question number two. | ||
| Are you an idiot? | ||
| Are you? | ||
| And who's to decide? | ||
| Who's to decide? | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| Because I'm an idiot to a lot of people. | ||
| I would say a lot of people are idiots. | ||
| And they would be idiots to me. | ||
| And to them, there'd be some people that they know that would be stupid as fuck. | ||
| Well, there's levels of people. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You and I are not at the top. | ||
| We're just not. | ||
| There's people out there that invented Wi-Fi and they're using lasers to give us fucking satellite communication and all the crazy shit that you and I know of that we can never invent on our own. | ||
| There's some people out there way fucking smarter than us, dude, and they're making that shit. | ||
| That's the reality of life. | ||
| I'm so high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're a little too high for this conversation. | ||
| Too high. | ||
| Too high. | ||
| Too high to break it down. | ||
| I was like, I was like... | ||
| You know what scares me the most about the San Bernardino killing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Is it didn't surprise me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what scares me the most. | ||
| What scares me the most is like, oh, another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seems like almost every day now. | |
| Like every day it's been something, right? | ||
| Almost. | ||
| Well, they have that calendar out that the calendar shows that it's like literally 13 days a month that there's mass shootings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
ISIS advent calendar. | |
| Is that what it is for real? | ||
| Oh, maybe I don't do enough research. | ||
| It just seems so crazy. | ||
| Well, here's the problem. | ||
| It's exactly what you said. | ||
| I love... | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Something's wrong with our system with the guns. | ||
| Something needs to be done. | ||
| Something needs to be changed. | ||
| Because we have a lot of fucking mass killings. | ||
| And from what I hear from Jim Jeffries' act, there's none in Australia. | ||
| Well, they took the guns away. | ||
| They had a mass killing, I think... | ||
| Quite a while ago. | ||
| I want to say it was in the 80s. | ||
| Jim Jeffries has a viral bit that every time there's a mass shooting, he gets another 12 million views. | ||
| And I love Jim, I'm not shitting on him, but it is about that fact. | ||
| There was one mass shooting and they all took their guns back, and they've never had another killing mass shooting in Australia. | ||
| Well, you're dealing with a place that has... | ||
| Way less people. | ||
| Here's Australia. | ||
| 20 million people and mostly in two cities. | ||
| There's very few people. | ||
| The country of Australia is pretty massive as well, right? | ||
| It's gigantic. | ||
| It's the same size as the contiguous, that's how they say it, contiguous or continuous, the entirety of the United States of America. | ||
| Same size. | ||
| Of the whole US? Yep, same size. | ||
| Essentially. | ||
| And they've got the population of LA in there? | ||
| Yeah, less. | ||
| Less than LA. Holy shit. | ||
| LA's got 20 million people plus Mexicans. | ||
| Okay, let's be honest. | ||
| What are the real numbers? | ||
| Oh, it's gotta be through the fucking roof. | ||
| I love Mexicans. | ||
| I'm not hating on illegal immigrants. | ||
| I love people that are willing to do... | ||
| Undocumented workers. | ||
| Whatever you want to call them. | ||
| I call them Mexicans. | ||
| I love people that have the courage to do something illegal to better their life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I think a lot of them are great. | ||
| I think a lot of them are... | ||
| They embody what America is supposed to be. | ||
| America is supposed to be this place where you can go and you can make it. | ||
| You know, this spot where it's freedom. | ||
| You don't get suppressed by just fucking generation after generation of people doing it wrong. | ||
| You can get the fuck out of Mexico. | ||
| And you get to America and just hustle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just go to work. | |
| Just go after it. | ||
| There's jobs out there. | ||
| Go get them. | ||
| But then what about the Syrian refugees? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a good question. | |
| Everyone fucking doesn't want them. | ||
| Well, listen, it's against our... | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| It's against what makes us up to not welcome people. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| First of all, Those are the people that are leaving the bad people. | ||
| Like, what are we assuming that everybody over there is bad? | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Because then, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. | ||
| If you won't let them in, and you don't give them open arms, like, just because they're Muslims, that's ridiculous! | ||
| Well, hold on. | ||
| Some of the attackers in Paris were Syrian refugees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| So? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that true? | |
| 100%, yeah. | ||
| Well, 100% for whatever, I fucking know. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I think what they gotta look out for is young, radicalized, single men. | ||
| That's what the entirety of this movement seems to be is these radicalized younger men like that Jihadi John guy was like a former rapper from England and he joined ISIS. There's a lot of people that are joining this. | ||
| It's very strange, dude. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| Like, girls are joining and they're getting killed. | ||
| You know, one of the girls recently got beaten to death and another one got murdered. | ||
| It's like, what is going on? | ||
| I thought it was closeted homosexuals at first. | ||
| I thought all terrorists were... | ||
| What? | ||
| I thought they were all just closeted homosexuals. | ||
| They're gonna come after you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Burt Kreischer. | |
| Don't say my name. | ||
| You're worried about Comedy Central, but you're not worried about saying that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fucking... | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, you've been drawing Muhammad the whole time. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You don't hear a lot of, like, homosexuality is so kept down there. | ||
| Like, maybe they're just guys that are fucking... | ||
| No, I don't think that's what it is. | ||
| Sitting in a cave, like, hey, I'll blow you. | ||
| And the guy's like, what? | ||
| And he's like, I said, I'll blow up. | ||
| Let's go blow each other up. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| It's just radical ideologies, man. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| The fact that there could be anything out there. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Call it whatever you want. | ||
| Don't even call it a name. | ||
| Just think about whatever it is, the energy and the influence that leads someone to go shooting a bunch of random people. | ||
| I think one of the problems with labeling things, when we start saying, oh, this was a mass shooting, this was a religious killing, this was a jihadi cell, this was a... | ||
| We give it all these titles and names, but just separate yourself from culture, like pretend you're an alien or something, and you're looking at this. | ||
| You're looking at this from afar, and you're just looking at this as some sort of an equation or something like that. | ||
| You're watching what's going down. | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| What's going down? | ||
| What is it that these things down here can convince themselves of by manipulation of communication? | ||
| So they've got a way to talk to each other. | ||
| They've got a way to relay ideas, and they've got a way to reinforce opinions and ideas that are thousands of years old. | ||
| And they've got a way that it's so strong That it can make some of them explode and just go around, kill random people, and think somehow or another they're doing it for the greater good. | ||
| So through this ancient ideology, whatever it is, call it whatever you want, but through this influence by some people's minds that's projected somehow or another into another person's mind, And it convinces that person to kill random people. | ||
| Forget about what you call it. | ||
| Forget about whether it's Islam or Christianity or Mormonism or Scientology. | ||
| Forget the names. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| Forget even the language that it's been spoken in. | ||
| Look at it in terms of what are the noises that are made by the humans that create the reaction? | ||
| And what are those noises, what are those words, what are those written things represent? | ||
| They represent almost like a living idea. | ||
| A living idea that wants to express itself. | ||
| Like through the filter of the language and the culture, like what is it? | ||
| What is it that causes something to want to get people To go after people that are opposed to this idea or that have differing ideas and kill them! | ||
| Just kill them! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bad parenting. | |
| It's all bad parenting. | ||
| ISIS is the worst parenting in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you think about it, that's what it is. | |
| Right? | ||
| There might be a point to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There might be a point to all the ancient cultures, right? | ||
| Like if you think about people that made a break, like those are the ones that seem to be the healthiest, like the Australians. | ||
| They made a break from England. | ||
| They got in a boat. | ||
| They got kicked out. | ||
| They're a prison colony, right? | ||
| So they made them get in a boat and go over to Australia and live there, right? | ||
| That's essentially how Australia started. | ||
| But look at them. | ||
| They're fucking amazing. | ||
| Their cities are incredible. | ||
| The people are cool as fuck. | ||
| They're generally, like, really easy to talk to and friendly. | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| Like, dude, Melbourne was amazing. | ||
| It's like a, like, I almost didn't want to tell people about it. | ||
| I'm almost over here, I'm like, whoa, this is, where else is there like this in the world? | ||
| Oh, dude, Australia is like your girlfriend's younger, hotter sister. | ||
| You sit down at Thanksgiving and you're like, motherfucker, I didn't know she was coming. | ||
| But look what it is. | ||
| It's a civilization that emerged or a culture that emerged out of a break from an old culture. | ||
| They kind of had a reset and they started fresh. | ||
| The people that are stuck in these spots that are super ancient, you're dealing with this pattern repeating itself over and over again and it's hard to break. | ||
| So what you're saying is like, all my friends that when I go down to Tampa, they never left Tampa, and they're kind of still using racial slurs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What that is, is on a global scale, people that have never left that area for thousands of years. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's just ignorance. | ||
| So your experience begets kind of open-mindedness. | ||
| Well, I think that it's just, it's very difficult to break out of the hive. | ||
| If you're in a hive mind of people that are essentially thinking the same way they did when Alexander the Great was around, it's hard. | ||
| Like, Afghanistan's a perfect example. | ||
| There's really only one city. | ||
| I mean, I don't know much about Afghanistan, honestly, because I haven't been there. | ||
| But I've talked to many people that have been there, soldiers that have fought there, and I've absorbed as much as I could what they were trying to say and trying to figure it out, but essentially what it seems like. | ||
| Is you have one city, and then you have these strange areas that are controlled by warlords, like a lot of them. | ||
| They have, like, these areas where... | ||
| So, Afghanistan is not just like what I'd imagine Iraq to be? | ||
| It's insanely mountainous. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| So, just like a small town in, say, Butler, Ohio would be controlled by a warlord. | ||
| Mm-hmm, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No targets. | |
| Well, you know, John McCain, I remember this, was trying to impart that on Barack Obama when they were debating, when they were running for president, McCain and Sarah Palin. | ||
| And he said the exact same words that I just said. | ||
| Like, that's where I got it from him initially until I started looking into it and talking to these guys that went over there. | ||
| They said it's like the same as when Alexander the Great was around. | ||
| And that's what McCain said. | ||
| He said to Obama, like, this is, you don't understand Afghanistan. | ||
| You're saying we're just going to send troops in there? | ||
| You can't just do that. | ||
| Like, this is like the Rocky Mountains. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's all mountains. | ||
| These guys are living out there in caves. | ||
| I mean, these Taliban guys are living in caves. | ||
| You got these dudes that are warlords, and they got like 20 wives, and they're giving them Viagra to get them to talk. | ||
| They give these guys Viagra to rat on the Taliban. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yes! | ||
| That's how they would get them to talk. | ||
| They would give them Viagra. | ||
| That sounds like something on the internet. | ||
| That's a real thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| This is one of the government's main uses of bribery. | ||
| Or main items that they would bribe people with. | ||
| Because these guys would get like 60 and they got 20 wives and they can't fuck them anymore. | ||
| And then someone, American G.I. comes along and he's like, yeah, man. | ||
| What do you need, dude? | ||
| Well, you know, let's talk. | ||
| We got guns. | ||
| You know, do you need guns? | ||
| He's like, I've got plenty of guns, my friend. | ||
| And like, do you need girls? | ||
| I got eight twin wives, my friend. | ||
| I don't need you. | ||
| I got a blue pill that makes your dick hard. | ||
| Let's talk. | ||
| Let's talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you need? | |
| Take a left up at the light. | ||
| I'll tell you right now, I never liked those motherfuckers. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Little blue pills among the way CIA wins friends in Afghanistan. | ||
| I thought I was having a stroke that came on so fast. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Afghan chieftain looked older than his 60-odd years and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with the duties as tribal patriarch and husband to four younger women. | ||
| See? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| They gave them Viagra, dude! | ||
| They gave them Viagra. | ||
| I recently tried real Viagra and real Cialis and it's pussy shit compared to the stuff you get at the gas station. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that shit. | |
| Yeah, you were talking about it on one of the podcasts we did recently. | ||
| Brian would take these boner pills that you would get at a gas station. | ||
| For like a closing bit, right? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| You know how you have those things? | ||
| Like where there's like a little lighter container, and there's a breath mint container, and they're right when you go to pay at the gas station. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's like porn almost, where it's like a naked girl getting fucked by someone. | |
| Yeah, it's like, you know, blue dynamite. | ||
| You're digging me hard like blue steel. | ||
| Well, these things are like a cocktail of steroids. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, steroids, Viagra, acorns, things like that. | ||
| What's crazy, though, is that this guy in a wheelchair recently came to the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a comedian from Chicago. | |
| I can't remember his name right now. | ||
| And he goes, I always hear about the boner pillows. | ||
| Well, I get them because I'm in a wheelchair and they're retard strength. | ||
| I want you to, like, have these. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So he gave me a whole box of them. | |
| And I took one and was like, oh, this is an okay boner. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| The retard strength? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, he's, like, really, really strong. | |
| Like, they're, like, you know, not the normal level. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's what he says? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he said that. | |
| I'm really having a hard time understanding what you're saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| I'm stoned. | ||
| I can't tell if you're thinking about it. | ||
| So he gave me the high-end versions of them, and I took them, and being used to only the kinds that you get at the store, they're really like bitch versions of what you can get at 7-Eleven for $6. | ||
| I just think that what you're getting at 7-Eleven is a lot of illegal steroids, too. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You're taking something, and you're just getting jacked up on testosterone as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, maybe, but I'm saying if you want to... | |
| Sure, maybe. | ||
| If you're gonna fuck like a 21-year-old and you're like, you know, I better do something right here, I'm just saying go with that one instead. | ||
| Yeah, but what I'm saying is, like, I appreciate the results. | ||
| Like, I think it sounds like you're right, but it would be a good idea to get that stuff tested, to find out exactly what's in it, because I guarantee you they're not consistent. | ||
| I mean, if you're just getting this random shit from who knows where, Malaysian fake Viagra. | ||
| But after looking at 4,000 different reports from the FDA, they're all just like the worst of steroids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's just a teeny bit of steroids in your dick. | |
| You know, it's not like it's... | ||
| You're pumping it like a needle in your arm and I'm not a UFC fighter. | ||
| There's some really strong ones that you eat. | ||
| They're orals. | ||
| I knew this bodybuilder guy was insane and he would take some shit called Anadrol 50. It was supposed to be one of the more liver-toxic ones. | ||
| But I can't remember whether it was one you ate or one you injected. | ||
| But the guys that were beyond that... | ||
| This buddy of mine who took it, he was a serious bodybuilder. | ||
| He became a jiu-jitsu black belt. | ||
| If you saw him now... | ||
| You would never believe that he was a serious bodybuilder because he's like really lean, almost like a runner. | ||
| He's like a tall guy, like maybe 6'2", really strong, like super, super tight grip and great jiu-jitsu. | ||
| But he was on this stuff, this and I'll draw 50 shit. | ||
| And he said, some guy said something to him at a red light. | ||
| And he said he didn't even realize what was happening until he was reaching through the guy's window, beating the shit out of him. | ||
| Like, he sort of, like, woke up in the middle of beating the shit out of this guy. | ||
| Parked his car. | ||
| Like, some guy had yelled at him, like, fuck you, old man, or something like that. | ||
| And he snapped and said he didn't even realize. | ||
| And that's when he realized, like, okay, I can't. | ||
| I can't be doing this anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit! | |
| And he got away with it somehow or another. | ||
| He didn't get arrested. | ||
| I don't know what he did to the guy. | ||
| I don't think this was jujitsu training. | ||
| I don't want to say the guy's name, but I don't think this is when he was training jujitsu. | ||
| I think it was before. | ||
| I think it was just bodybuilding. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And I think that's when you eat. | ||
| I think that's an oral one. | ||
| So if they took that stuff and put it in his fucking little dick pills, it might have quite a significant pop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know Earl Skakel? | |
| You know Earl Skakel? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| He's one of my favorite people ever. | ||
| I was just on his podcast, and he's like the boner pill connoisseur. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, he knows everything. | |
| Earl Skakel is the guy who just had... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Related to a Kennedy, yes. | |
| No, he just had... | ||
| Tommy Morris on it, which is an amazing, amazing interview. | ||
| Amazing is an overstatement for what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's eye-opening. | |
| It's a really great interview. | ||
| It's interesting if you're in comedy. | ||
| Yeah, I wouldn't say it's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's eye-opening. | |
| It's eye-opening how crazy it is. | ||
| Well, that's what we were dealing with for a long time. | ||
| That's the number one reason why I came back to the Comedy Store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I was just on his podcast. | |
| He doesn't agree with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just on his podcast yesterday. | |
| I was the next person after Tommy, and that interview made me so mad that I kind of blew up a little bit on his podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we also talk about boner pills. | |
| And you can actually buy a lot of ingredients on Amazon and stuff like that that will give you the same results as a boner pill that are healthy and stuff like that as zinc. | ||
| Can I stop you right here? | ||
| Because I've never needed a Viagra, but I have friends like you that I can't imagine need a Viagra or a boner pill. | ||
| What does it do? | ||
| All I need is something that doesn't make me cum as fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, that's different. | |
| That's called a condom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's alcohol. | |
| No, I meant, I'm with my wife. | ||
| Like, I would love something that made me not climax so quickly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alcohol. | |
| Well, that doesn't work, obviously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I had alcohol, I can last for three hours. | |
| Everybody's different, fella. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sorry, but what does Viagra do? | ||
| Do you have a problem getting a hard dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, I don't. | |
| I think it's a vasodilator. | ||
| What's crazy is it's banned in the Olympics as a performance-enhancing drug because it has a beneficial effect on athletic performance, a measurable effect on athletic performance. | ||
| And it has something to do, I might butcher this, but with your body's production of nitric oxide, I think that's what it is, that stuff that's in like NO2 max and all these pump things. | ||
| That stuff apparently has a beneficial effect on muscle and athletic performance, that nitric oxide stuff. | ||
| So you don't need it to... | ||
| You can get your dick hard. | ||
| Yeah, but see, it's not that it doesn't... | ||
| The way it works, it's not that Brian would just automatically get a heart out of nowhere. | ||
| It's just like will it. | ||
| You'd still have to be in the presence with a girl that you thought was attractive, and you do it. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| You would normally, you know, be attractive, start making out with someone, but your dick would get hard as a fucking crowbar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like everything's dialed up to 10. Yeah, it's like more like a swollen, like a snake bite or a bigger dick. | |
| Here's the thing is that, yes, your dick is maximized. | ||
| But here's the thing is that it's your whole body. | ||
| Your whole body is experiencing this. | ||
| Like your muscles are experiencing this. | ||
| All of your muscles are experiencing this. | ||
| It's not just your dick. | ||
| That's why if you have no muscles, it doesn't really do anything for you. | ||
| Well, no, it's not that. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| If you use it and run, like, if you did exercise and you did something, you would have, like, more endurance. | ||
| You'd have, like, more work output. | ||
| It could benefit you. | ||
| To a point, at least some way, in a measurable way, that the Olympic Committee is like, nah, I don't think so. | ||
| And you can't have it in your system. | ||
| I know cyclists have used it, you know. | ||
| So if I took one, I would just feel like a rock star and that my dick was bigger and I could... | ||
| It would be just fully engorged, like, to the fullest. | ||
| See, I like it, like, at massage parlors, because you usually are too nervous, like, where the girl's, like, working, and you can't get hard without touching yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're just laying there, your dick's crushed. | |
| But when you flip over, you want to have a nice, healthy dick so she can take care of you. | ||
| And so boner pills really help out, like, in situations like that, where you want a boner all the time. | ||
| Here's the thing about encouraging people to take those things. | ||
| You don't know who's going to make the next batch. | ||
| This is the reality of having supplements that aren't really examined. | ||
| You can just sell them. | ||
| The worst thing that happens is someone catches the fact that you have a prescription drug in there, like a Cialis or something like that. | ||
| This is according to Aubrey. | ||
| I asked him about it, and he understands the rules on things like this. | ||
| He said that what they do is they essentially just fine you and these people reopen under a different name and they just go right back at it. | ||
| Because they develop a reputation where people like Brian know that they go and there's a little thing with the fucking lighters and the breath mints and the boner pills. | ||
| They're right there. | ||
| Those things work. | ||
| That's why they're selling them. | ||
| They're not placebos. | ||
| They fucking work. | ||
| And it's easy to get that stuff from China or wherever the fuck they get it from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Russia. | |
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta watch out for some of the China... | |
| Fake Viagra and stuff can actually contain, like, poison recently. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, dude. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Don't be fucking around with that. | ||
| I mean, I had some stuff that I can still buy today that makes me trip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I start seeing visuals. | |
| So I stopped with that one. | ||
| But I want to know what that one is. | ||
| So I've been waiting for the FDA to test that one. | ||
| That's what Anderson Silva got popped for. | ||
| When he got popped for steroids, he wasn't taking steroids. | ||
| He was taking a Viagra that was like from China. | ||
| And when they had made this stuff in the laboratory, it was somehow or another contaminated by steroids. | ||
| And he had to admit this. | ||
| I know this from people in his camp. | ||
| They were talking about this. | ||
| This isn't a made-up story. | ||
| It's embarrassing, and it's crazy, but it's totally true. | ||
| When you buy stuff from these random companies in China, There are some that do an awesome job of making sure that all of the ingredients and whatever you're buying from them are pure. | ||
| But there's some that just, they don't bother to clean out the machinery. | ||
| So like if you have a vitamin B12, and right before you had the vitamin B12 order, they had some other stuff in there, some vitamin C or whatever, it could easily get mixed up in to a measurable amount. | ||
| An amount that'll show up in a drug test. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| It's totally possible. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And when you looked at Anderson's results, like, he tested positive before the fight, like, outside of training, and then he tested negative, like, I think at the weigh-ins, and then positive or... | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| Then positive after the fight. | ||
| It didn't make any sense. | ||
| And they were trying to figure out, how is this happening? | ||
| This doesn't make any sense. | ||
| The steroids should stay in your system for a longer period of time. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense that they would be there at one time, not be there, and another time, what was the variable? | ||
| And then Anderson had to, like, come out and have, like, a press conference and said that I took this weird Viagra shit. | ||
| And that's why the tests were so odd. | ||
| What a weird world it is. | ||
| The world of, like, trying to figure out what you can get away with and what you can't get away with to beat someone's ass better. | ||
| What a weird world where you gotta fucking figure out that it was Viagra pills. | ||
| That's all I went to. | ||
| I guess he tested it. | ||
| What am I allergic to? | ||
| Type thing where you're like, what did I have? | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| I had this indigestion one day. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| And someone's like, is it peanuts? | ||
| And you're like, fuck. | ||
| What a crazy world. | ||
| As you're telling the story, I couldn't read your shirt, and I went, I don't know if you posted it, but Roy Jones Jr. is easily, in my opinion, watching him fight the most beautiful fighter that ever lived. | ||
| Yeah, if I had to choose my all-time favorite boxer, it would either be Roy Jones Jr. or Mike Tyson. | ||
| Those are my two all-time favorite boxers. | ||
| Tyson's knockout sizzle is fucking phenomenal, but Roy Jones Jr. fighting. | ||
| Well, both of them were just... | ||
| Fucking incredible and in a different way I mean Tyson was incredible in like a violent storm and Roy Jones jr. Was just a virtuoso who could do shit that nobody else could do and reinvented how to engage Roy Jones jr. You know barely through jabs Roy Jones would throw a lead left hook that was as fast as anybody else's jab and he would crack dudes with that shit off the back leg And he would hit dudes and you would see their reaction to the speed of Roy's punches. | ||
| And they'd be like, oh my god. | ||
| When they realized what a different level he was on. | ||
| Like one of my favorite Roy Jones Jr. fights was Roy Jones Jr. vs. | ||
| Vinny Pacienza. | ||
| Vinny Pacienza. | ||
| Yeah, he was going way up in his weight class. | ||
| I mean, Vinny was a much smaller guy, and he got real big and juiced up. | ||
| He was tough as shit, but he was just too short. | ||
| It wasn't built for the weight class. | ||
| Vinny Paz came out. | ||
| Vinny Paz fought Roy Jones, and it was the only round ever where the CompuBox numbers showed the opponent landing zero punches. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Roy just lit him up like a Christmas tree and did whatever he wanted to the point where Vinny couldn't land a single punch. | ||
| It had never been recorded before. | ||
| I don't know if it has since, but that's how good Roy Jones was at the time. | ||
| And Roy Jones was beating his ass. | ||
| He knocked him down and he turned to the referee saying, please stop this. | ||
| And the referee said, nope, keep fighting. | ||
| He said, all right. | ||
| So he dove in with an uppercut, cracked him, like lifted him up in the air and planted him on the ground. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| He was a fucking... | ||
| When he was at his prime, dude, he was a marvel. | ||
| A marvel of movement. | ||
| Like, he had a level of movement to him. | ||
| Like, you can say that Bernard Hopkins might have been more fundamentally sound, or Julio Cesar Chavez might have had, like, a more gritty, in-your-face game, because Roy would kind of hang on the outside and pick his shots and decide what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. | ||
| But when it comes to like movement... | ||
| The best ever. | ||
| Nobody moved like that guy. | ||
| Nobody moved like that guy. | ||
| Roy Jones Jr., there's a video of him. | ||
| This guy throws a punch and he counters with a right-left, like a straight-right, oh no, it was a left hook and a right hand, like, ba-bap! | ||
| And he counters with it so fast, like you can't even believe it's real. | ||
| And it's just like one of those little quick Vine clips, and you just watch him go ba-bap! | ||
| And the guy's, like, central nervous system just shut off. | ||
| There was a time for a few years where he was just an unstoppable force. | ||
| I missed it. | ||
| I missed it in life. | ||
| I was there, man. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| I was watching the whole time. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| He was so much better than everybody else at the time. | ||
| So much faster. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| When he fought James Toney, dude, he fought James Toney the assassin. | ||
| He fought the killer from Detroit. | ||
| He fought James Toney, who was just a slick boxer with nasty knockout powers, tough as shit. | ||
| And Roy Jones Jr. just showed him another level of movement, just another level, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dropped his hands, and then Tony dropped his hands, like, in response, like, and then Roy leaps in with a left cook, cracks him right in the chin, and drops him. | ||
| And I was like, just like, like, don't fucking do what I'm doing, bitch! | ||
| Like, he was just on such a different level. | ||
| How's Roy... | ||
| And Vinny Pazienza was a tough guy. | ||
| He knocked out my friend Dana Rosenblatt, who was a guy that I used to train with back in the day in Boston under Joe Lake. | ||
| He was a boxing coach that I knew from back then. | ||
| I was a big fan of Vinny Pazienza. | ||
| He's tough as shit. | ||
| But he was really, like, way out of his weight class. | ||
| Roy was so much bigger than him, so that Vinny, even though he was a big guy because he had all that muscle on him, his actual frame was nowhere near the frame of Roy's. | ||
| He was more like a guy, he fought a lot of really tough guys at lower weight class too, but you look at him there, he looks almost like a bodybuilder. | ||
| He does. | ||
| Vinny Paz and his training partner came out to a show that I did in New Jersey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With Mr. Sandman. | |
| I think I want to say that's right. | ||
| Dude, it's crazy watching this. | ||
| You forget how fast Roy was. | ||
| There's just no one like him at the time, man. | ||
| And you know one of the things that really messed with Roy was that when Roy Nelson was in his prime, there was a guy named Gerald McClellan. | ||
| And Gerald McClellan was, I want to say he was a light heavyweight champion. | ||
| Gerald McClellan? | ||
| How do I know that name? | ||
| Gerald McClellan was a famous boxer who was a world champion. | ||
| I want to say light heavyweight, but I might be incorrect. | ||
| And Gerald was one of the guys from the Cronk Gym under Emanuel Stewart. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And he was just murking people, man. | ||
| He was nasty. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| And he fought this dude named Nigel Benn. | ||
| They fought in Italy, or in England, rather. | ||
| And it was this wild, I believe it was England, wild, crazy-ass fight. | ||
| And Nigel Benn went through the ropes in the first round, and Gerald McClellan was just putting it on him. | ||
| And then later in the fight, something happened. | ||
| There was like a clash of heads, and then Gerald McClellan went down to one knee, and then he quit the fight. | ||
| And they were like, we can't believe this, the fight's over. | ||
| And then he collapsed in his corner. | ||
| And he had some serious brain-bleeding, man. | ||
| And went to the hospital, and they did their best to alleviate it, but to this day, he's blind, he can't walk, he's in a wheelchair, he's all fucked up, he has a very, very short memory of life, you know, of who he was, and his capacity's been like, radically diminished. | ||
| But he was the guy that people were saying, one day Roy Jones Jr. and Gerald McClellan are going to fight, and it's going to be crazy, because Gerald was a monster. | ||
| Gerald was a monster. | ||
| And now, you know, that Gerald got fucked up, I think it affected Roy Jones. | ||
| I think it affected him, like, psychologically, where he realized, like, hey, that could happen to that guy. | ||
| That could happen to me, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| And so he fought a lot more smart, took less risks, you know? | ||
| But how many concussions, I said this before, how many concussions do you think is too many? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seven. | |
| I've definitely had seven. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| I think any grown man has to at least have five. | ||
| By the time you're 18, um... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've definitely had at least five by the time I was 18. I think I gave one to myself the other day. | |
| I, like, bent down. | ||
| I told you about this. | ||
| Like, I bent down in my head for, like, a sleigh bed thing, like, a wooden thing. | ||
| I just cracked my head really hard on the corner, like, picking up a shoe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, and I saw the flash of light. | |
| I just laid down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, all right, I'm not passing out. | |
| I'm not passing out. | ||
| Yeah, you probably gave yourself a concussion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You'd have to talk to a neuroscientist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many have you had? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Have you had to ballpark it? | ||
| I'll ballpark mine at... | ||
| I've had a couple for sure. | ||
| Oh, I've definitely had a couple. | ||
| But I think everyone's had a couple. | ||
| I've had a couple go to the hospital couple. | ||
| I've had two definitive ones where I had to go to a hospital for them. | ||
| See, the problem with sparring all the time is you get them and you don't know if you got them or not because you're not going to a doctor. | ||
| So there was nights where I would just lay in bed and my head would be throbbing, you know, and just me and some other meathead beating the fuck out of each other in the gym just doing boxing sparring or kickboxing sparring. | ||
| Yeah, there had to be a bunch. | ||
| There had to be like three or four in there. | ||
| Do you have a hard time in memory? | ||
| No, my memory's excellent. | ||
| It's only excellent about things I care about, though. | ||
| But that's just my mind. | ||
| When I don't give a fuck about something, it's gone. | ||
| I have developed this over the years. | ||
| It's just my style of focusing on things. | ||
| If I don't give a fuck about something, I don't pay any attention to it. | ||
| I just can't. | ||
| Because I know how my brain works. | ||
| So what I know about, I know about. | ||
| And what I don't give a fuck about, like, what was it? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I just don't remember things. | ||
| I remember things that are super important, though. | ||
| But it's never like, I don't give a fuck where my car is. | ||
| Oh, wait, where the fuck's my car? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, like, I don't know. | ||
| I feel like I've had, I definitely feel like I might be on the upside of concussions. | ||
| The upside? | ||
| What do you mean by the upside? | ||
| Meaning I'm on the higher end of the spectrum. | ||
| If you're not experiencing any problems, I wouldn't worry about it. | ||
| I think experiencing problems would be pretty obvious. | ||
| Once you start having real problems, like memory problems, or if you heard of the guy who was the quarterback for the Chicago Bears. | ||
| Jim McMahon. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Was that the test, if I could remember his name? | ||
| I was trying to remember his name as I was saying it. | ||
| But he was the star of the Super Bowl. | ||
| That guy was an animal. | ||
| And now he's all fucked up. | ||
| There's a Sports Illustrated article I read about him. | ||
| And they were talking about he would just forget what he was doing. | ||
| He'd be in the middle of his house and just not know why he's there or where he's going. | ||
| He might have his keys in his hand, not know where he's headed to. | ||
| And he knows he's got something going on. | ||
| And Brett Favre's got that shit coming down the line. | ||
| 100%, man. | ||
| They all have it. | ||
| You're in there in the arena, you're clashing heads, and they came up old school. | ||
| Those guys came up before they really understood CTE. They came up as in, like, if you're not a hard-nosed quarterback, then you're not shit. | ||
| What, are you going to be fucking Joe Montana, or are you going to earn your money because you live in Milwaukee? | ||
| It's a fucking hard sport, dude. | ||
| There's no way around that sport being hard. | ||
| You get the biggest super-athletes in the world, and they're sprinting your way. | ||
| Sprinting. | ||
| Some of those guys are bigger and stronger and faster than humans have ever been. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| And they're trying to get you, because you got that ball. | ||
| Dude, I couldn't even jump onto my side right now and not get hurt. | ||
| Like if they said, just jump on your side, hold a football and jump on your side, I've broken a rib diving for something and landed on my arm wrong. | ||
| In a lot of ways, you gotta think that, like, playing football is one of the most courageous sports. | ||
| Because, at least in a fight, you only have one dude. | ||
| And if you're better than that guy, you can control the action. | ||
| If you understand what's going on, you can control it to a certain extent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, Bernard Hopkins is still fighting into his 50s, right? | ||
| He's 50 now. | ||
| He's still fighting. | ||
| He's still, like, at a world-class level. | ||
| You know, he beat some guy when he was 49 for a title. | ||
| I mean, this is insane, right? | ||
| Why does he do that? | ||
| He does it because he can control the action. | ||
| He controls it. | ||
| Like, he makes sure that he's in the right position at all times. | ||
| He's constantly controlling exactly what's going on. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins is the only black guy my wife's ever wanted to fuck. | ||
|
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Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| All right, let's wrap it up, everybody. | ||
| I'm at the Irma. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did she write it down? | |
| No, we were sitting on the couch. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Did you get hard? | ||
| No, it's just an interesting guy out of all the guys that she could have named. | ||
| It was Bernard Hopkins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Did you get hard when you thought about it? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not at all. | ||
| Give me a Drake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me a Drake. | |
| What if she went Lenny Kravitz? | ||
| Would that be intimidating? | ||
| I saw his dick. | ||
| I can beat it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Especially with some zinc. | |
| Yeah, with Lenny with those pants. | ||
| Like, that was ridiculous. | ||
| Dick looked unimpressive! | ||
| Well, what's hilarious about it was, like, it almost seemed like a CGI dick. | ||
| Like, it came out so perfectly. | ||
| It didn't kind of, like, half-tuck. | ||
| No, it went, hello! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a 1950s tattoo of a dick. | |
| It's just... | ||
| Exactly! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It just jumped out of nowhere. | ||
| I mean, his pants ripped and his dick went, how are ya? | ||
| I'm not saying that mine would be better unprepared. | ||
| Like, I need to prepare mine to present it. | ||
| But fucking, I saw his dick, I was like, I could beat that. | ||
| Yeah, it seemed like it was like a dick radar in some ways, like on Facebook, like all the guys going, oh, whatever, man, he's got a huge dick. | ||
| And you're like, oh, now we know what your dick size is. | ||
| It's a justice warrior. | ||
| They're just saying that because he's black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| So if he was a white guy, they would just say... | ||
| They'd mock his dick. | ||
| They'd mock it. | ||
| I mean, he had a good helmet. | ||
| You heard about Justin Bieber's dick? | ||
| No, I haven't heard about his dick. | ||
| He had a better dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He has a massive hog, apparently. | |
| No, you saw it. | ||
| Yeah, oh, I googled it. | ||
| I looked for Justin Bieber's dick and then googled, how old is Justin Bieber before I searched his dick? | ||
| But like, yeah, apparently there's pictures of him on a beach naked and he's fucking hung like a horse. | ||
| No one says a fucking word, but everyone says, Lenny Kravitz's little tiny dick is massive. | ||
| Fucking bullshit, man. | ||
| Bro, you seem angry. | ||
| Does he seem angry to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does! | |
| Jamie, how much time do we have left in the podcast? | ||
| Let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| There's only like seven minutes left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on! | |
| Why are you so upset? | ||
| No, I'm not upset. | ||
| I'm just, I'm not. | ||
| There's no fucking, I have no connection to either with dick. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| It seems like a weird thing to have on your mind. | ||
| You're a father. | ||
| You have children. | ||
| You've been traveling the world. | ||
| You were on a moped in Vietnam in a rice paddy. | ||
| We were talking on a cell phone on the other side of the world. | ||
| These are amazing, amazing experiences. | ||
| Here you are. | ||
| His dick is shit. | ||
| I'm a grassroots guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you hate the color of your dick? | |
| I wish I could. | ||
| I wish I could. | ||
| I wish they made dick cream to jerk off with so that it would like sheen your dick to a perfect side body feel like this. | ||
| Like, oh, perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've actually thought of that as an invention. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Dead serious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like you go into a dermatologist and you're like, hey, what if we had like a stripping material just to like fucking make it perfect? | ||
| And you give it to a guy, hey, once a month, jack off of this, and your dick will be like fucking Kathy Griffin brand new. | ||
| Yeah, but I think that you would miss your veins. | ||
| You might, you might. | ||
| Yeah, if you had just like a smooth, weird, fake cylinder looking dick, even if it felt good. | ||
| Like an Andy Warhol dick. | ||
| Like, what do you prefer? | ||
| Here's a perfect example. | ||
| Do you prefer big, stretched out fake tits or big, real tits? | ||
| Oh, big real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Big real. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they're real. | ||
| Because when you try to grab the nipple, it slips away from you, like someone trying to get to a different arcade game. | ||
| If somebody grabs your dick and it feels like a FedEx tube. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just perfectly round and smooth, and you just want to fucking stick a fishing rod in there. | ||
| It's a tube for mailing things. | ||
| It's not a dick. | ||
| Dicks are supposed to be uneven, just like nipples. | ||
| If you look at a girl's nipple, If you get really close to it, like a magnifying glass, it's chaos. | ||
| There's all sorts of stuff going on there. | ||
| The skin is all crazy, like the butt of an artichoke. | ||
| One side's tight, one side's loose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Morgan Freeman moles, or whatever those face moles are. | |
| There's little dots all around it. | ||
| But it's beautiful and it's in perfection. | ||
| That's like half of the thrill of it. | ||
| If it was just completely doll-like and smooth on the nipple and then smooth on the areola and then the breasts where there's no veins. | ||
| It was just smooth like a bowl of jello. | ||
| Like a Broadway show. | ||
| Like a fucking robot, man. | ||
| You wouldn't want that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It might look good, though. | |
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| It might look clean, what the girls would call clean or on fleek. | ||
| Yeah, but half of the thing about sex is animalistic, man. | ||
| The dirtiness, the humiliation. | ||
| No. | ||
| Humiliation? | ||
| I disagree, too. | ||
| What are we going to wrap this podcast up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you okay? | |
| Are you sweating? | ||
| No, I just got to the place where I'm so fucked up. | ||
| You shouldn't be talking on the air? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen, nothing bad has been said. | ||
| This is all beautiful. | ||
| We're talking about areolas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dark ones? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I like my wife is like a high pink. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| It just seems real. | ||
| I want real. | ||
| I don't want to go into strip club and have them be able to get naked like that. | ||
| I want them to take boots off. | ||
| No, I want the realness. | ||
| I want to see, like, sock marks in their legs. | ||
| You want the realness. | ||
| Oh, sock marks. | ||
| Like, I want real. | ||
| Okay, let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| This is going south. | ||
| Sock marks on the legs. | ||
| I just got back from Columbus, Ohio, and you're not allowed to be naked there, and so all the girls had pasties, but they would have, like, darker nipple-looking pasties, so it looked like they all just had really big areola, dark areola nipples. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| You have to have a thin rubber sheet over the outside of your nipple. | ||
| And if you go outside, you can just take your shirt off, because it's legal in Columbus, Ohio, to just take your shirt off outside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But when you're inside at the strip club, you have to put pasties on. | |
| In Columbus, it's legal to be topless if you're a woman? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's been there forever. | |
| You can just walk around with no kids. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| What a dumb business. | ||
| Hey, are you upset at all the freedom that you have with girls' nipples out there on the street? | ||
| Well, come on inside. | ||
| Come inside. | ||
| We'll show you a watered-down version of what's available right outside our door. | ||
| And we'll charge you. | ||
| Christy Tegan's a nipple warrior. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just read it the other way. | ||
| She's a nipple warrior. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Demi Moore's kid's a nipple warrior. | ||
| They're nipple warriors. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| They want everyone to be able to see their nipples. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Like a really sheer shirt or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| They want to go... | ||
| Demi Moore's kid, she just walks around shirtless. | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| You gotta be like 20 or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're talking about Jay Leno. | |
| Baby Jay Leno? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Something. | ||
| One of their names. | ||
| Ryder or something. | ||
| Rain or something. | ||
| Rickles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rickles. | |
| One of the fucking... | ||
| Moore kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Moore. | |
| Roger Moore. | ||
| Whatever his fucking name is. | ||
| Demi Moore. | ||
| Demi Moore is fucking... | ||
| How much time, Joe? | ||
| Rumor. | ||
| Rumor or Rumor? | ||
| It'll be like five minutes now. | ||
| Her name is Rumor. | ||
| Rumor More. | ||
| Type in Rumor More Nipple. | ||
| No, don't. | ||
| Leave that little kid alone. | ||
| No, it's a fucking grown-up. | ||
| It's a real grown-up. | ||
| Type the goddamn thing in. | ||
| Type it in. | ||
| Fucking Nipple Rumor Nipple. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, that's a wrap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie, what? | |
| Bert Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Give it up for Bert Kreischer. | ||
| I'll be at the Irvine Improv all weekend. | ||
| Will you be? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, that fucking place is the bomb diggity. | ||
| Irvine Improv, the new one, like a 500-seater. | ||
| That place is awesome. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| Brian Redband, got anything coming up? | ||
| Wednesday, a secret show at the Comedy Store with Henry Phillips, Tony Hinchcliffe, and a bunch of other people in Ventura, December 26th. | ||
| Outstanding. | ||
| Wednesday we're doing a show at the Ice House. | ||
| It's Al Madrigal, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Tony Hinchcliffe will be there as well. | ||
| And Vegas, December 11th. | ||
| All that shit's on JoeRogan.net forward slash tour. | ||
| Bert Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Good night, buddy. |
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