Oct. 5, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:57:31
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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Boom, boom, boom. | |
| Boom. | ||
| We're live. | ||
| We're live with Alonzo Bowden. | ||
| He just got back spraying chemtrails for the past six hours all across Southern California. | ||
| He's controlling mines and the weather. | ||
| There's a reason why it's cloudy out, folks. | ||
| It's Alonzo Bowden, hilarious stand-up comedian slash weather modification expert. | ||
| What's up, Joe? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
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What's going on? | |
| It's going to rain tonight. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm just saying that you might want to put the top up on the convertible. | ||
| Why are you working for the man? | ||
| Hey, it pays well. | ||
| But you make great money. | ||
| You're a comic. | ||
| You do well. | ||
| You're very successful. | ||
| I know, Joe. | ||
| But, you know, ever since Obama took over, I mean, he gave me a call. | ||
| He said, look, Alonzo, we need a brother on the weather. | ||
| I said, I got you. | ||
| I got you. | ||
| So this is part of that whole thing. | ||
| So it's a part of, like, Black Lives Matter. | ||
| Yeah, I just wanted to let you in. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Look, you got to do what you got to do in this crazy world. | ||
| And if a little weather modification is on the menu... | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, then I'm getting some of the ski resort money from Mammoth. | ||
| You know, that's like a side hustle. | ||
| They say this winter is going to be fucking crazy, the weather modification experts. | ||
| I'm just here to let you know. | ||
| El Nino. | ||
| Do you believe in El Nino? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah, I think that is. | ||
| But weather, you know what's so funny about the weather, like they really don't know. | ||
| At best, it's an educated guess. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So when they say something like there's a change in an ocean current, like that's what El Nino is, right? | ||
| Like there's warm water flowing through the ocean where it's normally cold, and that's going to bring more water and vapor. | ||
| I get that on the large scale. | ||
| But they can never say, okay, it's going to rain Tuesday between noon and four o'clock. | ||
| There are times when they're so wrong, it's comical. | ||
| In any other job, you'd be fired for being that far off. | ||
| And they're like, oh, it missed. | ||
| But compared to how they used to be, it's fucking amazing. | ||
| They used to just look up at the sky, and when their clouds were running, they'd go, oh, we better get inside. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Yeah, they knew a tornado was coming because you could see the tornado coming. | ||
| But then you have the other things, like in Phoenix, they have weather people, right? | ||
| What is your job? | ||
| From April through November in Phoenix. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to be hot. | ||
| It's sunny, hot. | ||
| Be back tomorrow. | ||
| There's nothing else. | ||
| What, in July they have, oh yeah, it's going to be monsoon. | ||
| It's going to rain between 3 and 4, and then it's going to be hot again. | ||
| Yeah, there's no weather. | ||
| And L.A., the same thing. | ||
| I mean, over the summer, it's occasionally you get a little bit of rain in L.A. But what did it rain, like maybe four times this year? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I... I did a thing with, what's his name, the comic slash weatherman, Fritz Rogan. | ||
| Fred Rogan? | ||
| No, Fritz Coleman. | ||
| I get him confused with that other guy too. | ||
| Fred Rogan, yeah. | ||
| That's the sports guy. | ||
| They're partners, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, I did a thing with Fritz Coleman, and one of his funniest jokes, he said, you think it's easy doing weather in L.A.? He said, think of 300 different ways to say partly cloudy in the morning, sunny in the afternoon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it gives you a lot of time to write jokes. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Probably a good gig for a comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
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You know? | |
| Plus, you get it on TV if they let you plug your gigs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, I'll be at the Ice House on Tuesday. | ||
| Come on down. | ||
| I think he does well because people see the name and when they walk into the club, they're like, that's the weatherman. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's an instant recognition kind of gig. | ||
| Yeah, but he's got to keep it super clean, right? | ||
| Oh yeah, he's nice. | ||
| If you're a weather guy or a news guy, and if you just stray slightly outside the lines, people are looking to take you down. | ||
| But they still do it. | ||
| That's what's funny. | ||
| Yeah, you always hear about the little small town weather guy that was in some weird thing, like got caught with a prostitute at a massage par. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's just life, though. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| But when you know you're that guy... | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Then you know you gave that up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're not allowed to do that anymore. | ||
| You can't get crazy. | ||
| You're like, well, I'm going to be on TV every day, so I got to give up the hookers and blow to trade off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, you're not in a band. | ||
| Or even a comic. | ||
| A comic, yeah. | ||
| We can get busted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now you have a new bit. | ||
| Look at Cat Williams. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I can't think of... | ||
| I don't know what a comic could do. | ||
| I guess violence would be the only thing Unforgivable for a comic. | ||
| But when it comes to, like, sex scandals or, you know, cheating on your wife or drunk at the airport or whatever, like, for comics, they're like, yeah, well... | ||
| It just makes you better. | ||
| He's on your own. | ||
| He doesn't have more material. | ||
| Like, look at Cat Williams. | ||
| Look at Cat Williams' last special. | ||
| Half the special was all the shit that he got arrested for over the last two years. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And that's a trip. | ||
| Like, I worked on this cruise line And they said, yeah, Cat came, but he had a gun. | ||
| And you're just like, well, you brought a gun to a cruise ship? | ||
| Like, what did you expect to happen on a cruise ship? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Maybe somebody could throw him off. | ||
| That's what would freak me out about a cruise ship. | ||
| Somebody throwing you off. | ||
| Because that has happened. | ||
| Like, some guy threw his wife off. | ||
| And he's like, oh, I don't know what happened. | ||
| She was out. | ||
| She went out to get a drink. | ||
| And then, uh, huh? | ||
| And they were like, what? | ||
| It was like the reaction the guy had to his wife falling overboard, the crocodile tears. | ||
| And they were like, okay, dude, have a seat. | ||
| We're going to ask you some questions. | ||
| You and Debbie, how are you guys getting along? | ||
| You know? | ||
| You guys fight a lot? | ||
| I do these charter cruises, jazz cruises. | ||
| And, you know, after the cruise, the guy who runs it will tell some of the funny stories of what happened while we were at sea. | ||
| And on one cruise, newlyweds get into a fight the first night. | ||
| She threw all of his clothes overboard. | ||
| Everything of his thrown overboard. | ||
| They had to bring him to the ship's store. | ||
| And he had to wear, you know, they sell like the little shorts and the polo shirts from the cruise line. | ||
| And he had to wear that all week. | ||
| Well, I hope he stayed with her. | ||
| I hope they worked it out. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know how it worked out in the long run. | ||
| They finished the cruise. | ||
| A little throwing clothes overboard. | ||
| I hope it didn't wreck a beautiful future relationship. | ||
| Beautiful matrimony. | ||
| Beautiful nuptials in the Lord's eyes. | ||
| You had to know that was in her though, right? | ||
| You'd never know, man. | ||
| I've met people that got married and then immediately afterwards their chick became a nightmare. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've heard that more than once. | ||
| I've heard, I don't know, I've heard some things, but not like to that extent. | ||
| I would think there'd be flashes of psycho prior to that level. | ||
|
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I don't know. | |
| My buddy said when his girl got pregnant, she was a little irritable because she was pregnant. | ||
| But then after the baby came, once she realized that he was never going to leave because he loves the baby and he loves having a family, she started ordering him around, yelling at him. | ||
| Barking orders out. | ||
| I'm telling him what he can and can't do now. | ||
| And he was like, what the fuck happened to you? | ||
| Like, we're the same people. | ||
| We just have a baby now. | ||
| But in your mind, no. | ||
| The relationships change. | ||
| We're going to have to reorganize and restructure this deal. | ||
| We're going to have to sit down. | ||
| And this is how it's going to go now. | ||
| I'm going to shit in your mouth. | ||
| It's time to renegotiate. | ||
| And you have no negotiating power in this negotiation. | ||
| Yeah, she kept threatening to take the kid away. | ||
| That was her big thing. | ||
| Take the kid away, I'm gonna move in with my parents. | ||
| All kinds of crazy shit, man. | ||
| And just immediately, and he went from being the happiest guy, I'm psyched, she's perfect, we get along so well, we're gonna have a baby together that's gonna be amazing, to fuck, dude, I don't know what to do, fuck! | ||
| He was just constantly stressed out, his eyes were darting around the room. | ||
| That sounds like the old days when you had to stay married. | ||
| When was that? | ||
| That was our parents' generation. | ||
| They stayed married. | ||
| They hated each other. | ||
| I'm not saying specifically, but you know what I mean? | ||
| Like that divorce, they just didn't do it. | ||
| They just stayed married. | ||
| They were like, yeah, we've been married for 50 years. | ||
| Don't particularly like each other, but we got to stay married because we made a vow. | ||
| I mean, that's how it was. | ||
| It was a generational pressure. | ||
| And now they say the opposite is true. | ||
| Like you have one bad day. | ||
| Yeah, it's enough of this shit. | ||
| Well, it's a religious thing too, right? | ||
| A lot of people don't want to get, like Catholics especially, did not want to get divorced. | ||
| That was a big thing. | ||
| Yeah, it was like an unforgivable sin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was young, it was a big deal, man. | ||
| Someone talked about getting divorced. | ||
| I remember when I was a little kid, a lot of it was like they would start bringing up the church. | ||
| But the church doesn't want you getting divorced. | ||
| In the eyes of the Lord, you're married, you should work this out. | ||
| Part of the problem is who you are when you meet, say if you meet, you're 25, you fall in love, you get married and you're 30, who you are at 30 is not who you are at 40. You are a different fucking human being. | ||
| But you have a much better chance then than really young. | ||
| I have a niece, she's 26, and she's engaged, and I'm still waiting to see how this plays out, because he's 23. And I'm just like, too young. | ||
| Just think who you are at 23 to who you are at 30. Completely different. | ||
| If you grow up together, that's cool. | ||
| And you go through those bumps together. | ||
| But it's too easy to be a whole different person. | ||
| When I moved out here, when I came to LA, I worked in aircraft. | ||
| I went to aviation high school in New York. | ||
| Lockheed Aircraft discovered this high school that trains airplane mechanics. | ||
| So they literally hired hundreds of us, like, moved to L.A., you got a job. | ||
| I knew more guys, 18 and 19, who married their girlfriend because they didn't want to, like, they were leaving home. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I'm starting life. | ||
| We're going to get married. | ||
| Consequently, I knew more guys who were divorced at 21. Yeah. | ||
| I would have married my girlfriend in high school. | ||
| When I was 18, I would have definitely married her. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| How long do you think it would have lasted? | ||
| A week. | ||
| A couple months at the most. | ||
| She was a very nice girl, but she moved across town. | ||
| Not across town, across the state, like an hour and a half away. | ||
| I was so sad. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| God damn, she's all the way over there. | ||
| If she wanted to get married and we'd be together, I would have done it. | ||
| I will say, without exaggeration, without exaggeration, of 100 guys I knew married before they were 20, I only know two still married. | ||
| I only know two. | ||
| You know 100 guys who got married by the time they were 20? | ||
| Yeah, guys were coming out and it was like I got a job. | ||
| I got an apartment. | ||
| Let me send for my girlfriend from New York. | ||
| Let's get married. | ||
| And they were just doing it. | ||
| There were two things that we did on a regular basis. | ||
| Go to weddings and bail guys out of jail. | ||
| Because everybody was getting DUIs. | ||
| So we were like, all right, let's just keep a DUI fund for whoever gets picked up this week. | ||
| You guys had a fund? | ||
| We practically did. | ||
| We had a network. | ||
| Where we call, like, yeah, so-and-so's in jail. | ||
| All right, I got 50 bucks. | ||
| All right, I got 100 bucks, whatever, and we get them out. | ||
| How much does it cost to get you out of jail for a DUI? Back then, let's see, that was early 80s, probably about 400 or 500 bucks. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| It wasn't, yeah, back then it wasn't yet the big crime it is now. | ||
| Like back in around, this is 80, 81, 82, getting a DUI was like a really bad ticket. | ||
| You went to jail for one night, but it wasn't like it is now. | ||
| As a matter of fact, I taught comedy traffic school in the late 90s, and they said a DUI then cost you $10,000 by the time you paid for the fine and drunk driving school and a lawyer and all of that. | ||
| It's got to be a lot more than that now. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably 10,000 to 15,000. | ||
| But it's a big crime now, right? | ||
| Big crime, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was in high school, a kid I went to school with, nice kid, got in a drunk driving accident, killed his friend. | ||
| Never forget that. | ||
| I think that's the worst part, if you have that, because you've got to live with that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I can't imagine... | ||
| It's bad enough if you have an accident, but if you're drunk and you have an accident or you kill your friend in the car or some shit like that, having to live with that's got to be the worst. | ||
| Yeah, and he was like, I don't think we were any older than 17 or 18 at the time. | ||
| I think he was just learning how to drive, really. | ||
| I heard about it, heard the whole story, and I knew that he had tried to commit suicide at the hospital. | ||
| He tried to jump out of the window. | ||
| The cops told him. | ||
| They came up to him while he was in the hospital bed and said, you know, you're a murderer now. | ||
| And he's like, what? | ||
| He's like, your friend's dead. | ||
| You're a murderer now. | ||
| And he's like, what? | ||
| And he just freaked out. | ||
| He just ran towards the window and they grabbed him. | ||
| I was walking down the street in my neighborhood, and he was walking towards me, and I saw him, and he saw me, and we looked at each other, and I said, how you doing, man? | ||
| He said, hi. | ||
| I'll never forget the sadness, the sadness that was oozing out of his body. | ||
| Poor bastard. | ||
| They had this commercial, and it was like the last text of people who died texting. | ||
| Did you ever see that one? | ||
| No, but there was a guy, I think he was a publicist to Paris Hilton or something like that, like one of those, I think it was Paris Hilton's publicist, drove off the fucking mountain in Malibu, you know, those crazy winding roads, and he made a text about his dog, like, LOL, she's so cute, and the dog was in the car with him. | ||
| I forget the specifics of the case, but they found the dude at the bottom of the canyon, and then they deduced, like, oh, this dumb fuck was texting. | ||
| One single passenger, I mean, a dog, by himself, not an accident, didn't collide with anything, just went off the side. | ||
| Just drove off the, yeah, well. | ||
| It's, I don't know. | ||
| You'll never have me on the podcast again. | ||
| People are like, this is the saddest shit I've ever heard. | ||
| We've heard a lot sadder. | ||
| We're ten minutes in and everyone's dying. | ||
| When you're driving and you're drunk especially, you don't think it's going to happen to you. | ||
| That's the real problem with people. | ||
| Everyone thinks it's someone else. | ||
| I can drive. | ||
| I'm okay. | ||
| Well, that's what alcohol does to you, though. | ||
| Alcohol has you convinced that everything's gonna be fine. | ||
| Yeah, you hold all of your perceptions off so you think it, yeah, I'm alright. | ||
| Which is like the exact opposite of pot. | ||
| When you smoke pot, you're like, I can't fucking drive! | ||
| Dude, there's no way I can drive! | ||
| Like, drive when you're high, everything works. | ||
| Like, you can hit the brakes, you can make turns, but you're convinced that there's no fucking way you're gonna be able to make this exit. | ||
|
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Like, the exit's over there, I gotta get over there, fuck! | |
| I remember one of the first times I ever drove when I was high. | ||
| I just couldn't believe I was driving. | ||
| I was like, this is so bad. | ||
| This is so bad. | ||
| Meanwhile, I was going 55 miles an hour, staying in the lane, was very aware of everything, looking left, looking right, looking in the rearview mirror. | ||
| But if I was drunk, I'd been like, I got this. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| When I used to get loaded, I could drive high. | ||
| I never liked being drunk because I always felt out of control. | ||
| Not like crazy out of control, but sloppy out of control. | ||
| You are. | ||
| It's a terrible drug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially the next morning when you wake up sober in jail. | ||
| You realize what you did? | ||
| That's when it hits. | ||
| Have you had DUI before? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Knock wood. | ||
| Got arrested for possession once. | ||
| That's when I got sober. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Got arrested for possession of cocaine. | ||
| And spent the night in jail. | ||
| And I'm going to tell you, the happiest moment in court Is when you show up for your possession of cocaine and as a public defender. | ||
| And I'm sweating like I don't know what's going to happen or this or that. | ||
| Because it was crack that I had. | ||
| And he's like, you okay? | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| He said, did anyone tell you? | ||
| No. | ||
| I said, oh, whatever you had, it wasn't cocaine. | ||
| So you're just here on driving on a suspended license. | ||
| I was like, guilty! | ||
|
unidentified
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Ha ha ha! | |
| Guilty! | ||
| What? | ||
| Suspended license? | ||
| I don't even need you. | ||
| It wasn't real? | ||
| Someone sold you some bullshit crack? | ||
| Yep, yep. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Oh, you're so lucky. | ||
| Wow, what was it? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| Whatever it was, when they tested it, it was not cocaine. | ||
| I'll tell you what it was. | ||
| It was the greatest day of my life. | ||
| Well, Joey Diaz would tell stories about giving girls chopped up aspirins and them acting like it's the greatest coke they've ever done in their life. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, people, well, so much of it is, like, psychological. | ||
| But with crack, I mean, when it hits you, you know it. | ||
| But this one, I, listen, Joe, I got busted. | ||
| It was the dumbest thing. | ||
| Like, I was on this street, you know, crack road, whatever, you go to cop, right? | ||
| So I had the rock, and I knew the rock because I had tried to smoke it and it melted, and I was like, this is bullshit. | ||
| So I go back like I'm looking for the guy, right? | ||
| Like, what am I going to do? | ||
| I ain't going to do shit. | ||
| Like, I'm not hard. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm not a crip. | ||
| I'm just going back looking for the guy. | ||
| And the cops swooped on the street, and they come in from both sides with cars, you know, like it's a whole thing. | ||
| Just shut down the whole street. | ||
| So I throw the rock out of the window. | ||
| It hits the gutter above the window and lands in my lap. | ||
| When the cop looked, I had a rock sitting in my lap. | ||
| It's like, I tried to get rid of it, you know? | ||
| Yeah, you think a rock, if your window is open, a rock, you could just flick it like a booger. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I thought. | ||
| Did you try to throw it out the side window? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| The passenger? | ||
| No, no, driver's. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yours? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And it bounced off. | ||
| Literally hit that gutter, you know, that little rail above the window and bounced right, landed right in my lap. | ||
| Dude, that is shit luck. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| But great luck. | ||
| Great luck in the long run, but in the moment, not good. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| So that was the moment you decided to quit? | ||
| When I, yeah, that night in jail, it was one of those things where, like, it's one of those moments where you realize I'm not supposed to be here. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like with everything that had transpired in my life, like I was still in aerospace then, but you know, licensed airplane mechanic, good job, blah, blah, blah, everything else. | ||
| It just hit me in that moment like this is not how it's supposed to end. | ||
| Because I knew guys who had gone down that road, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like I knew guys who were doing time and shit like that. | ||
| And for a lot of guys... | ||
| Jail is just part of life. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I go away for a couple of years, come back. | ||
| Like, I'm not that guy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I didn't want to become that guy. | ||
| I had no... | ||
| When I was a kid, one of the neighbor's sons, he was in Attica. | ||
| And I will never forget this. | ||
| We were going somewhere upstate New York, and we went to visit him. | ||
| And when you go in and that gate closes behind you, like I don't know if you've ever been in a maximum security prison, but when that gate, it's... | ||
| Never forgot that sound for the rest of my life. | ||
| Like, oh, fuck no. | ||
| Whatever I do, this ain't where I'm gonna end up. | ||
|
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What did he go to Annika for? | |
| Armed robbery. | ||
| Yeah, he was an armed robber. | ||
| He was a habitual criminal. | ||
| He'd spent the rest of his life, like, he was never out of jail. | ||
| For more than a year. | ||
| Because once you get in that system, then you're always getting picked up for something. | ||
| And the people that you know, the people that you surround yourself with, it becomes a pattern. | ||
| You're constantly around people that are doing things like that. | ||
| It becomes normal. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| It becomes normal. | ||
| And once it becomes normal, it's tough to crack. | ||
| How old were you when you first tried crack? | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Speaking of tough to crack. | ||
| 22? | ||
| Maybe 23, something like that. | ||
|
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And what was the scenario? | |
| Well, actually, the first time I tried it, okay, it started out, you know, like just partying as a kid, smoking weed, drinking beer, whatever, and then getting into a little cocaine. | ||
| Here and there, you know, snorting it. | ||
| And then I had a friend, and this had to be 84 maybe, 83, whatever, when people were still, you know, just starting to get into freebasing and crack and stuff like that. | ||
| And he hit it, and he gave me the pipe, and I hit it, and I was like, holy shit. | ||
| It scared me. | ||
| I was like, this is too good. | ||
| I said, man, you better get off this shit. | ||
| You're going to lose everything. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Because the high was so good. | ||
| What does it feel like? | ||
|
unidentified
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Describe it. | |
| It's a rush. | ||
| It's an overpowering rush of energy and, I don't know, like a lightning bolt hitting you with no pain, but just like you're buzzing, like your whole body is just... | ||
| You know, I guess cocaine works on whatever the receptors of good feelings in your body. | ||
| I forget what it's called scientifically. | ||
| It's dopamine, but they're also like nerve... | ||
| There are nerve endings that make you feel good, and cocaine works on these. | ||
| And crack is such an intense hit. | ||
| It's like doing it all at once, as opposed to when you're snorting it, you're getting high a little here, a little there. | ||
| Now it's concentrated, and it's a rush, but it's beyond anything else. | ||
| It is instantly addicting. | ||
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unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Because it's a rush that you've never felt before. | ||
| Now, I've never shot up, so I can't compare it to shooting drugs, but I had never felt anything like that, and it literally scared me. | ||
| And then, like, a year and a half later is when I got into doing it myself, you know, with some other guys. | ||
| And it was like me and this other guy... | ||
| We kind of said we're going to watch each other. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So it's like he'll tell me when to stop or I'll tell him when to stop. | ||
| And it actually worked for as long as we were both in the same room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you decided to be like sitters for each other. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because you knew. | ||
| Because we'd seen people. | ||
| We'd seen people get sprung and lose everything. | ||
| The first guy who turned me on to it, I watched him lose. | ||
| He had this incredibly beautiful girlfriend. | ||
| She dumped him. | ||
| Then he lost his car. | ||
| Then he lost his apartment. | ||
| Like, it literally... | ||
| Crack will take... | ||
| You know, I mean, Richard Pryor's... | ||
| Jokes, like that shit is true. | ||
| The pipe will tell you. | ||
| That ain't shit. | ||
| This is you and me. | ||
| It's you and me. | ||
| You don't need this, bitch. | ||
| You don't need that fucking car. | ||
| You don't need, you know, I sold a crack car. | ||
| I sold a car I had for 500 bucks, you know, to smoke that up. | ||
| How often were you smoking it? | ||
| At the end, I was daily. | ||
| As often as I could get the money. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Daily? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As often as I could get. | ||
| I still had a job almost to the end. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I got laid off from my job. | ||
| So when I got my paycheck, that's when it would start. | ||
| And it was always the same bullshit. | ||
| Like, alright, I'm only going to do like one eight ball. | ||
| I mean, that's like... | ||
| Spend $150, that's going to be it. | ||
| So you get that, and then you smoke that up. | ||
| You're like, alright, I'm only going to do 20 more. | ||
| I'm only going to do 20 more. | ||
| I'm only going to do 20 more. | ||
| And then you do that, and then the next thing you know, it's the next day, and it's all gone. | ||
| And the money's gone. | ||
| And I was... | ||
| Like I say, I'm not a criminal. | ||
| Like, I didn't come from that. | ||
| That's where my head was. | ||
| My next stop was, okay, how do I steal something or rip somebody off or whatever? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And, yeah, it's totally... | ||
| And the bad thing is, once you get to that point, you're not getting high anymore because your brain's so fried. | ||
| That the drug's not working, like whatever the nerves and the brain cells and stuff are fried, so you're smoking it, but you're not getting that rush anymore. | ||
| You're chasing it, you want it, but you can't find it. | ||
| So the initial rush that you get the first time you do it is just overwhelming, and then everything else diminishes more and more? | ||
| It's never, you know, like Sade's song, it's never as good as the first time. | ||
| And that's the whole thing with drug addiction. | ||
| With any drug, it's so good that first time that you're chasing it and you can't get that feeling again. | ||
| I think that's the difference between addicts and regular people. | ||
| Like regular people like you get high. | ||
| And you're like, okay, I'm good. | ||
| You know, I'm a high. | ||
| I'm having a good time, but when you're an addict, it's like you want that ultimate feeling that you got that one time, and you will sacrifice everything to get it. | ||
| Yeah, I've never fucked with coke. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what that feeling is. | ||
| Coke in general is an up drug. | ||
| It ups your energy and heightened sense of awareness. | ||
| That's why you get Coke paranoia. | ||
| I had Coke bugs one time. | ||
| Coke bugs? | ||
| Coke bugs. | ||
| Like crawling on you? | ||
| It feels like something's crawling in your skin and you're scratching. | ||
| People have cut themselves open. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But I'll never forget that. | ||
| That was the weirdest thing. | ||
| Because it literally felt like there were bugs crawling out of my skin, and I'm just like, ah! | ||
| But it does that, because it affects your nervous system. | ||
| And this is the extreme. | ||
| This isn't the snort coke with a chick in the bathroom of a club. | ||
| This is beyond that. | ||
| This is beyond the fun part. | ||
| Did the snorting grab you as much as the smoking it, or was the smoking it where it really... | ||
| Yeah, the snorting was good, but snorting is also hard on you, like your nose gets fucked up. | ||
| In the 80s, there were a lot of deviated septums. | ||
| There were a lot of plastic surgeons putting noses back together in the 80s. | ||
| So it eats through your nose? | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, it literally eats through your nose. | ||
| I always wanted to know if that was true. | ||
| Yeah, that's center... | ||
| Membrane goes away. | ||
| And your nose just becomes one big nostril. | ||
| Probably better for cardio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| Oh, I used to work out, man. | ||
| I used to get coked up and work out at a 24-hour gym. | ||
| If I wasn't in shape, my heart would have exploded with some of the shit I used to do. | ||
| But you do it for the rush because you're coked up and then you start lifting. | ||
| And you know how it is. | ||
| You get that pump. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And now you're like, ah! | ||
| And you just feel like you can fucking... | ||
| Explode, you know, and I'm sure my heart was doing 150 beats a minute at least. | ||
| And you were coked up lifting weights. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| And that was one of the reasons I think that I was able to hide it because I didn't look like a crackhead because I didn't lose weight because I got coked up and worked out. | ||
| But did you eat too? | ||
| I ate when I wasn't on it. | ||
| I didn't eat when I was on it, but I ate when I wasn't on it. | ||
| But you were doing it every day. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, every day, as long as I had the money, the money would run out. | ||
| So if I got paid Thursday, every day lasted until Saturday, maybe Sunday. | ||
| And then you just get a little chip here and there, a little piece, but nothing to keep you high all day. | ||
| So, I mean, I did a lot to hide it. | ||
| You know, I led this dual life like I worked during the day. | ||
| I was the airplane mechanic, and then when I got off work, I just locked myself up in my apartment, did coke, drank. | ||
| I lived like that for... | ||
| My life was fully like that for a little over a year. | ||
| But the worst part, the last two years was when it was bad. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| So you went crazy for a year? | ||
| Were you drinking just to try to calm your heart down? | ||
| No, you drink because, first of all, your torch was a little cotton ball dipped in the 151 rum. | ||
| So you had 151 there. | ||
| So you would drink that. | ||
| Because you have it. | ||
| And you drink... | ||
| A torch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In other words, you don't cook crack with a lighter. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| I hate giving crack lessons on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please do. | |
| Don't worry, because I won't. | ||
| No, you don't hold a lighter. | ||
| You need a torch. | ||
| You need a hotter flame. | ||
| So you would take... | ||
| I'm trying to remember... | ||
| How we did it. | ||
| I'm trying to remember what you dipped into the rum. | ||
| And it's great that I don't remember. | ||
| Because I remember the screen was this chore boy, which was like a steel wool with no soap in it. | ||
| That's what you used as a screen in the pipe. | ||
| But I forget how I did the torch. | ||
| But anyway, the torch, you would dip it into 151 rum. | ||
| And light that, because that was a hotter flame than using a lighter. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about those, like, blowtorch? | |
| Yeah, they came out with those. | ||
| They came out with the torch lighters later. | ||
| But, like, you knew certain crackhead things, and you would, like, when you were at a crackhead liquor store, you know what I mean? | ||
| You could tell by stuff they sold. | ||
| Like, they would just have Shore Boy scrub brushes, and they would have, like, 151 rum, but like in half pints. | ||
| You know, who's buying a half pint of 151? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And you'd get Bic lighters, you'd get that pack of five. | ||
| Because you'd go through lighters all the time. | ||
| So you just... | ||
| But that was it. | ||
| That was the life. | ||
| But it was the initial rush, man. | ||
| The rush was like... | ||
| And once you hit it, once you hit that... | ||
| Then nothing else mattered. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, in other words, once you got that first hit, then you didn't care about... | ||
| And that's why you hear about those stories about people, you know, leaving... | ||
| I mean, the tragic stuff, leaving their kid in the car while they were in the crack house or, you know, the guy who never comes home or whatever, because you were out of your mind. | ||
| It took over. | ||
| Very rarely did you come across a social crack user. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Crack-dominated life. | ||
| What you saw happen to Chris Rock in New Jack City, that was it. | ||
| That was real. | ||
| And that's how it would take you over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing that you kicked it just from one arrest. | |
| Well, again, that one arrest... | ||
| Well, you gotta remember, you hate yourself while you're doing it. | ||
| You're not enjoying it. | ||
| You're in a place... | ||
| Because you know you're fucking up. | ||
| I mean, like, in my case... | ||
| I'm not going, my family's in New York where I grew up. | ||
| I'm not going home to visit anybody. | ||
| I'm not going home on any holidays. | ||
| My last Thanksgiving, now I'm invited to at least two, three friends and families, you know, come over for Thanksgiving dinner, this or that. | ||
| It's me, the pipe, and a Denny's. | ||
| Take out Thanksgiving dinner. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And you're sitting there, and you know that. | ||
| That's what fucks with you. | ||
| You know, and you're like, well, one more hit, and then I'm going to go to, you know, so-and-so's house. | ||
| I'm going to make it out the house today. | ||
| And you don't. | ||
| And this is every week, and it's in your mind, like, I just did it again. | ||
| I didn't show up for this. | ||
| I didn't show up for that. | ||
| I'm missing work. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Bills aren't paid. | ||
| I went through bankruptcy, the whole bit. | ||
| And so you know you're destroying your life. | ||
| And so the arrest was just like when it all came to a head. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because now I'm just in jail by myself, sitting in Van Nuys Jail with nothing but my thoughts of this is what I did. | ||
| Yeah, they say that you need a rock bottom, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's different for everybody, but you hit that bottom. | ||
| And the only thing I remembered after that when I went to rehab was I never want to feel like that again. | ||
| You know, like whatever happens in my life, I don't want to feel like that again. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So, bad timing on the rehab. | ||
| That's a good rock bottom, though. | ||
| It's a good rock bottom story, too. | ||
| It's a real rock bottom, but when it comes to rehab, if I had walked out of the house on Last Comic Standing into celebrity rehab, how fucking famous would I be now, Joe? | ||
| Pretty famous. | ||
| Yeah, I blew it. | ||
| You timed it for him. | ||
| Timing off. | ||
| When did you start doing stand-up? | ||
| Well, that's the funny thing, and it's literally one of those cases where the worst thing in your life leads to the best thing in your life. | ||
| So... | ||
| I go to rehab, and when you're in, I was in outpatient, so you're in these meetings and there's psychologists and whatever. | ||
| So this wasn't court appointed, this was like your own decision? | ||
| No, this was my thing, yeah. | ||
| Because I had gone, when I had my job, I had tried rehab once and I didn't make it because I didn't give a shit, you know. | ||
| So I went back to the same place and they let me back in. | ||
| So four hours a day you're doing the psychology thing and the meetings and whatever else. | ||
| And this woman came in, and she was from... | ||
| People who are in recovery go to rehabs, and they tell people, like, this is how it works, this is what it's like, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| So... | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| All I remember is she was hot as hell. | ||
| And she was from New York, right? | ||
| So after she talks, I make my move, you know, because I'm sober like three fucking days, right? | ||
| But she said, listen, I'm married, but there are a lot of women like me that go to a place called Studio 12. And Studio 12 was a rehab for the crew. | ||
| So the stars went to Betty Ford. | ||
| But the crew, the electricians, the lighting guys, the makeup artists, the clothes, they all went to this place called Studio 12, and that's where she was from. | ||
| So she took me over there, and I met these guys, and I started going to meetings there, and that's where I got sober. | ||
| Those were the guys who helped me, who showed me, who sponsored me, everything else. | ||
| But they were also they were in the entertainment business and and I always had a sense of humor I could make people laugh but I had never thought about it because if you're not like you know I grew up in blue-collar home and then you you grow up you go to school you get a job like entertainment show business nowhere on the radar that's something that other people do and you watch on TV but now I know guys who are in it I know people who are doing it and I was teaching aerospace and making people laugh and shit like that and I said I want to be a comic and And my AA sponsor | ||
| was like, man, go for it. | ||
| Try it. | ||
| And I literally did one of those writing classes, and I did the five-minute graduation hooked. | ||
| And from then on, so that's how my comedy career started. | ||
| So was it writing like a Sandy Shore type class? | ||
| It was a guy named Len Ostrovich. | ||
| He used to write for Rich Jenny. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And he was... | ||
| He was somewhere in Santa Monica. | ||
| There used to be a theater in Santa Monica where they used to do, I forget, it was this Comedy Central half-hour comedy thing. | ||
| I forget what it was called. | ||
| But anyway, he used to work there, and that's where he did the class. | ||
| So I did his six-week writing class and the five-minute graduation show and just absolutely knew it. | ||
| I was like, this is what I'm going to do. | ||
| I'm never going to fix an airplane again. | ||
| I'm doing this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Then, you know, that's how it started. | ||
| Then it was just open mics and grinding and everything else. | ||
| I know a lot of dudes who got into it because they would go to AA and then they'd have those meetings. | ||
| Then they'd go up in the meetings and they would tell funny stories about shit they did when they were fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I got laughs in meetings, but it was almost unintentional. | ||
| It was just like I'm telling a story, but it's coming out funny. | ||
| Like, I'm not trying to be funny. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| It just comes out that—because you know how it is. | ||
| If you have a sense of humor when you tell a story, it's going to be funny. | ||
| But I didn't know what I was doing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It was just—I had this sense of humor. | ||
| And what Recovery did, it changed my sense of humor from, like, this— This anger, belittling, ripping on people thing to jokes like I'm in on a joke. | ||
| Like, now it's just funny. | ||
| Like, instead of being an attack... | ||
| Oh, so before when you were doing coke, it was like aggressive, like angry at everybody. | ||
| Fuck this guy. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, because you're paranoid and you're fucked up. | ||
| And when you do talk to people or whatever, you just kind of separate from them, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But anyway, yeah, so that literally, had I not gotten sober, I wouldn't have become a comic. | ||
| I don't think. | ||
| Jamie, can you throw some tea on? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck is going on in my throat. | ||
| But I know that people listening to this are probably like, will you stop fucking clearing your throat? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I can't help it, folks. | ||
| I think you might have gone a little heavy with the grass-fed butter in today's coffee. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe that's it. | ||
| Never tried the butter in coffee. | ||
| I heard it's better. | ||
| I heard it's better than sugar. | ||
| Want to try some? | ||
| You might start phlemming up, too. | ||
| Maybe it's something I ate. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But for me, when I was starting out, when I was an open-miker, there was a lot of guys. | ||
| There was a guy named Dave Fitzgerald. | ||
| Who's a really funny guy, and he just, his whole life, he was just doing blow and partying and drinking and fucking up. | ||
| And then he finally got himself cleaned up, started going to meetings, and then started making people laugh at these meetings. | ||
| And he was a good writer, man, a funny comic. | ||
| And then he got sick. | ||
| He got sick, wound up dying of cancer. | ||
| He would have been a big comic. | ||
| He would have made it. | ||
| He had a real good sense of humor. | ||
| He was a funny dude. | ||
| But just the toll on his body, all those years and years of just fucking hitting it hard. | ||
| I have friends who that's happened to, mainly guys who shot drugs, who gave them up, and then 20 years later, Hep C or something like that. | ||
| Some latent result from shooting drugs in their 20s destroys their body in their 50s. | ||
| Yeah, that hep C one's a real common one for guys who do heroin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was what the Tommy Lee, Pam Anderson accusation, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they got tattoos together with the same needle to show their love. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's the tattoo artist that does that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Someone that loves hep C. You know, I don't know a tattoo like a I know tattoo artists like if you asked them do they be no like No, I'm wearing gloves for a reason, right? | ||
| Yeah, this is this is a this is a real procedure You know, it's funny that you said that you you grew up in a blue-collar house and that you didn't know like entertainment was never on the radar because I think that's the case for a lot of people that once you're around someone like when you're around those people that were working in show business you're like, oh These are just regular people. | ||
| This is a job. | ||
| Yeah, it's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's real. | |
| That's the case with a lot of things, isn't it? | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| We were talking about this the other day. | ||
| We were talking about race car drivers. | ||
| Because a lot of drivers, their kids, their father was a race car driver. | ||
| So to them, that's normal. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But to most people, the idea of driving a car at 150, 200 miles an hour, they're like, are you out of your mind? | ||
| But if your dad did it, then you start driving go-karts when you're like three years old. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And then you grow up and you do it, and you never think about, like, this is unusual. | ||
| Did you see that movie with Thor? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, Rush. | ||
| Rush. | ||
| Yeah, I love that. | ||
| That dude's Thor forever, by the way. | ||
| I don't even know his name. | ||
| Handsome bastard. | ||
| I love that stuff. | ||
| Formula One racing. | ||
| That's the real racing, right? | ||
| That shit is neck. | ||
| I mean, it's a whole different world, but it's so cool to be one of those guys. | ||
| The world champion now, this guy Lewis Hamilton out of England. | ||
| This guy makes $30 million a year. | ||
| He's got a private jet. | ||
| I think his girlfriend was like the leader of the Spice Girls or something like that for a while. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And he flies his private jet to Malibu to see his girlfriend. | ||
| And they always show him like hanging out at some awards show. | ||
| Like he knows everybody there. | ||
| Or like he's in the Hamptons with Jamie Foxx. | ||
| You're like, hell yeah! | ||
| Like that's... | ||
| That's how you're supposed to live. | ||
| Screw all that. | ||
| I'm training all the time. | ||
| This guy's living life. | ||
| You're like 30 years old and you're kicking it in the Hamptons with Jamie Foxx and banging the leader of the Spice Girls. | ||
| Like, fuck yeah! | ||
| That's a world champion. | ||
| That's Rush. | ||
| This ain't no NASCAR bullshit. | ||
| You ain't drinking PBR. Yeah, the NASCAR thing, I mean, I understand that people enjoy it. | ||
| I bet it's fun as hell. | ||
| But that whole going left, I can't watch a race where you only go left. | ||
| I can't watch. | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| 500 miles of Bubba's turning left. | ||
| Well, there's a girl in there, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bubba. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Danica Patrick. | ||
| Are there other girls, Jamie? | ||
| But the knock on Danica Patrick, and it is true. | ||
| Like, she ain't gonna win. | ||
| And she has an attitude about it. | ||
| It's like she did all the Go Daddy, you know, the bikini stuff and this and that. | ||
| And then she's like, well, why do you treat me like a girl? | ||
| Because you're fucking selling bikini pictures like you, you know. | ||
| I don't think there's anything, you know, people will say there's something that like it lessens a girl to sell herself in bikinis or something like that. | ||
| I think that is total bullshit. | ||
| Here's my take on it. | ||
| A girl's body, when a girl has a hot body, for a guy, that is the most desirable thing to look at on the planet. | ||
| When you see a girl that has Jennifer Lopez's ass, that little thin waist and big ass. | ||
| There was a girl in line to take pictures with us after the show at the House of Blues in Houston, and me and Ian Edwards talked about her every 20 minutes for the rest of the weekend. | ||
| Oh yeah, they'll do that. | ||
| Just because of her body. | ||
| She had this waist, it was like your arm, and then her ass came. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| And we would be in the car, and I would go, that didn't seem like a real body. | ||
| And he goes, it didn't seem like a real body. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| I'm not knocking her for doing it. | ||
| This is my thing. | ||
| Don't do it and then complain when people talk about it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| In other words, Jennifer Lopez can never say, why are you looking at my ass? | ||
| Well, Jen, you called us. | ||
| J-Lo, you called us, said, look at that ass, and I'm just playing along. | ||
| A lot of them, they start out trying to sell it that way, and then they want to be taken seriously. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that does happen. | ||
| But come on. | ||
| You can still be taken seriously if you're in your underwear. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just admit that that's what you're selling. | ||
| It's part of you. | ||
| It's not all of you, but it's part of you. | ||
| You know what story I love? | ||
| They went to the women beach volleyball players. | ||
| And they said, you know, you don't have to wear bikinis, you can change the uniform. | ||
| And all of them were like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| We were wearing the bikinis. | ||
| Because they knew, they were like, yeah, we want people to watch. | ||
| That's how they're making money. | ||
| If we're wearing sweats, nobody's watching beach volleyball. | ||
| Yeah, I remember... | ||
| No knock. | ||
| When I first started doing comedy, especially, I always was like real nervous about people seeing the fact that I had muscles, seeing the fact that I worked out, because I always felt like that working out and comedy, they just didn't go together. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| You couldn't be built and do stand-up. | ||
| But then I met guys like you, and then I met Nick DiPaolo was the first one. | ||
| I met Nick DiPaolo in Boston. | ||
| That was back when he was young. | ||
| He was a football player. | ||
| He's a big, giant neck. | ||
| And he was killing. | ||
| And I was like, this is bullshit. | ||
| All you have to do is just be funny. | ||
| You don't have to hide it. | ||
| Early in my career, I used to acknowledge it. | ||
| I've stopped even acknowledging it. | ||
| But it's always funny to me when people are like, man, if they don't laugh, you can just beat them up. | ||
| Like, yeah, that's my second strategy. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| That's absolutely what I was going to do, because I'm a fucking Viking. | ||
| And I'm just gonna jump into the crowd and start beating the shit out of people. | ||
| This is funny, y'all! | ||
| Yeah, the idea that somehow or another, like, a person who's fit or you have a good body or something, that precludes you from being smart. | ||
| Like, that's a big thing with girls. | ||
| Like, if a girl has a hot body, you think she's gotta be a fucking idiot. | ||
| Instantaneously, you see a girl in a bikini with a nice body. | ||
| A good percentage of the population wants to write her off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's an easy ride for her. | ||
| Because we know that if you are built like that, the odds that you're doing the work, the odds that you're really studying shit and reading shit and paying attention and really analyzing your thoughts and being objective and correcting mistakes, eh, probably not. | ||
| Because you got dick thrown at you like javelins all day long. | ||
| You're just dodging dick. | ||
| I mean, a girl like that, it's easy to rest on your laurels. | ||
| But it doesn't mean that... | ||
| To judge them on that, I mean, if you've met enough people in your life, you realize that there's some really hot chicks that are smart as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's confusing. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| But they're out there. | ||
| But it happens. | ||
| It's like they say, and I found this to be true, the most amazing women are the ones who got hot after high school. | ||
| Mmm, yeah, they did because they yeah because they had to they had a personality and they were smart or this or that and then they hit their 20s and They kind of figured out how all the parts come together and became like holy shit hot but they still have that they develop that personality or whatever whereas I If you're born hot and you just look great all your life, and I've met women like this that they have no clue, like, they really think life is that easy for everyone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, you understand, like, not everyone, like, some people have to wait in line for shit. | ||
| Yeah, for clubs. | ||
| Some people, like, yeah. | ||
| It's no knock against them. | ||
| It's like, you know, certain people win the birth lottery, you know? | ||
| You just, like Michael Jordan, Ability to fly. | ||
| Yeah, but Michael Jordan's a perfect example. | ||
| I mean, Michael Jordan didn't even make his high school team. | ||
| Michael Jordan, he failed like a lot and then become obsessed, became obsessed with success. | ||
| Hard work. | ||
| But then he also happened to grow to 6'7 with the jumping ability. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like that helped. | ||
| But yeah, it's great when you do all of that, but you still have to have, I think you have to have some talent. | ||
| It's like comics. | ||
| You know, I've always thought Dave Chappelle had an unfair advantage because Dave looked funny when he came out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about Joey Diaz? | |
| I don't mean that as a knock. | ||
| I mean like when you see him on stage before he opened his mouth, you're like, oh, this guy looks funny. | ||
| This is going to be fun, you know? | ||
| Joey's like that. | ||
| When Joey starts talking, you're like, this guy's hilarious. | ||
| Because you think Joey's one of those guys, like Rocky Laporte's another one, where you think they're playing a character. | ||
| And then you find out, no, this is really him. | ||
| He's really that guy. | ||
| So it makes it even funnier. | ||
| Joey's a human cartoon. | ||
| I mean, he just walks out on stage. | ||
| As soon as he walks on stage, people start laughing. | ||
| They just start smiling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck has this guy been doing for the past 50 years? | |
| I love Joey, man. | ||
| He's my favorite of all time. | ||
| I think he's the funniest guy that's ever lived. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I don't think there's anybody any funnier because I think If you look at comedy, you look at stand-up comedy, I really think that we're right now, we're in the golden age. | ||
| I don't think there's ever been more funny comics. | ||
| I think because of the internet, guys like Joey that probably would have never made it on television and they wouldn't have gotten a shot on a Tonight Show back in the day, now you get to find out how funny they really are from podcasts and you get to go see them do stand-up. | ||
| I think if you look at all the greats, if you go back in time, comedy gets better over the years. | ||
| The greatest of all time. | ||
| Only Richard Pryor. | ||
| He's the one guy that I'll go back and I'll listen to his old stuff and it's still really funny. | ||
| It's still really funny. | ||
| But you go back and listen to Lenny Bruce, it's hard to listen to, man. | ||
| It's not really funny anymore. | ||
| I think Carlin was always funny. | ||
| Once he got past that hippie weatherman thing, once he put that down, Carlin became just these... | ||
| I mean, the observations he made were hilarious. | ||
| And Cosby, you know, obviously everything with Cosby is now tainted. | ||
| But Cosby the comic, he was a beast. | ||
| You listen to Noah's Ark and some of that old shit, and it's like... | ||
| Genius. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| We had this argument once. | ||
| Somebody threw it out there. | ||
| They said, if Cosby started today, would he have made it? | ||
| And I was like, fuck yeah, he'd have made it. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| He would have adjusted. | ||
| They all would have adjusted to the new level of comedy. | ||
| The level of comedy is higher. | ||
| People expect more. | ||
| I think it's higher now. | ||
| I just think that as time goes on, things get better. | ||
| But out of all the guys that I've ever seen, and I saw Kinnison live, I worked with Pryor at the end a bunch of times at the Comedy Store, but he wasn't really Pryor anymore. | ||
| He was real sick, and he was in a wheelchair at the time. | ||
| They would literally carry him. | ||
| Chewy from the Comedy Store. | ||
| Yeah, I remember Chewy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is her name? | |
| Martinez, what the fuck is her name? | ||
| Anyway, they would carry her, they would carry him, they would carry her husband, would carry Richard Pryor through the audience and sit him down, and then they would crank the microphone, and I'm like, real loud, because he could barely talk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was on medication and he would drink. | ||
| And he would drink and he would talk. | ||
| And it just wasn't that good. | ||
| And it was sad. | ||
| But I did get a chance to see him when I was younger. | ||
| I saw him live in the Sunset Strip. | ||
| I saw the movies. | ||
| And I saw Pryor. | ||
| I saw Carlin live a few times. | ||
| No one has ever made me laugh like Joey Diaz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When that guy's on, when he's on and when his face is red and he's fucking screaming and going crazy, I just, I don't think there's anybody better. | ||
| I think he's the funny, I think, like, overall, he's the funniest guy that's ever loved. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got to work with Carlin, and I met Cosby, never got to work with him, but I never got to meet Pryor. | ||
| He was the only one. | ||
| Last summer, I worked with Rickles. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Rickles, he's in his late 80s, and it's the same thing. | ||
| He's offstage, they have him in a wheelchair. | ||
| He can walk, but they help him get around, and then they bring him out, and he sits at a piano. | ||
| And the minute the lights hit, he's fucking Rickles. | ||
| One of the highlights of my life, I got it on video, is backstage, Rickles was ripping on me. | ||
| Oh, man, Joe, you're fucking crying. | ||
| He's like, I don't know what he is, 6'9", 6'10", he could kill somebody, God forbid, and you can catch him this weekend at Sam Quentin. | ||
| He'll probably be inside Friday because, you know, Alonzo. | ||
| Yeah, took a white man's name, so he's not in jail. | ||
| And just shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just rickling lines. | |
| Bam, bam, bam. | ||
| And all you can do is sit there and fucking laugh. | ||
| Yeah, Jeff Ross told me he worked with him, too. | ||
| And he said the same thing. | ||
| He said once the lights are on and the microphone's on, he comes alive. | ||
| Yeah, it was great to watch. | ||
| And it's one of those things. | ||
| Like, that's a video I'll have forever. | ||
| Like, yeah, that was the night Rickles ripped on me. | ||
| Buddy Hackett yelled at me once. | ||
| Oh, man, I got a great fucking Buddy Hackett story. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm doing a benefit, and Robin Williams was presenting Buddy Hackett with this award. | ||
| So I'm outside. | ||
| It was, let's see, I was on the show. | ||
| I want to say Shoemaker was on the show. | ||
| And anyway, so I'm just outside. | ||
| This is when I still smoke, so I'm having a cigarette. | ||
| So Buddy Hackett walks up, right? | ||
| I've never met him. | ||
| I don't know anybody. | ||
| It's right after Don Imus did the nappy-headed hose thing, right? | ||
| So he comes up to me. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I know. | ||
| I know you're going to let Hackett have it, right? | ||
| Because you black comics, when it comes to being funny, I mean, the coloreds, you colored guys are just so hilarious. | ||
| When you Negroes start, and he just keeps going, he just keeps going, saying the same thing with different words for black, and I am fucking cracking up because it's like, I don't even know you. | ||
| But it was great. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Those guys were, they had a thing, you know. | ||
| It's a different time. | ||
| They had a different time and they had a camaraderie and when they were When they weren't on TV or on screen or whatever, they had no filter. | ||
| That's why he was doing that. | ||
| Because, you know, back in the day, that's what you did. | ||
| That's what you did. | ||
| They fucked around with each other. | ||
| And those guys didn't even have comedy clubs. | ||
| Those guys had to start off on variety shows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where they'd be like a dancer or a band. | ||
| And they'd be like the emcee. | ||
| And they'd have to come out and, you know, shuck and jive. | ||
| And they would emcee strip clubs and jazz clubs. | ||
| You ever emcee a strip club? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I did once. | ||
| I did a Jack and Jill strip club in Woonsocket, Rhode Island. | ||
| Jack and Jill means a guy goes out and a girl goes out. | ||
| It was atrocious. | ||
| There was no one in the audience. | ||
| And there was maybe like, no bullshit, like six people in the audience spread out, like two here, one over there, three over there. | ||
| It was so bad that I couldn't even say I bombed because there was no response. | ||
| It didn't feel like a bombing. | ||
| It felt like they weren't even acknowledging that I was alive. | ||
| It was the strangest thing ever. | ||
| And then this guy and this girl who were both equally unattractive. | ||
| The guy would dance first. | ||
| I don't remember who danced first, guy or the girl. | ||
| But they were both disgusting. | ||
| And they both had terrible tattoos. | ||
| The guy was covering his tattoos up with like bandanas on his arm. | ||
| And the girl had like... | ||
| The way I described it on her ass, it looked like someone tried to chew it into her ass like that you bit into a pen. | ||
| Got the ink on your teeth and tried to chew a snake into her ass. | ||
| That's how bad the tattoo looked. | ||
| It was one of those moments where I go, wow, I'm never going to forget this place. | ||
| I did have a moment. | ||
| I worked with the Chippendales guys once. | ||
| I guess this is hosting a strip club. | ||
| Anybody trying to blow you? | ||
| Any of those Chippendales guys? | ||
| No, they didn't. | ||
| I wasn't their type. | ||
| It was some little casino, you know, one of those side-of-the-road casinos about an hour and a half north of Sacramento, right? | ||
| So we're in the middle of farm country and, you know, where there's just like, okay, here's a casino for no reason. | ||
| Had to be 1,500 farmers' wives' chicks in this crowd waiting for the Chippendales guys, right? | ||
| So I go out there. | ||
| So I'm out there for about... | ||
| Maybe 12 seconds before the first take it off, you know? | ||
| And it just was one of those... | ||
| They're just screaming, right? | ||
| So whatever. | ||
| So I didn't even do jokes. | ||
| I just yelled back at them and something, and then I would, like, open a button on my shirt. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But the funny thing was, like, it was almost like they weren't in on it. | ||
| Like, they were trying to fuck the Chippendales guys. | ||
| And, like, you know these guys are, like, there's, like, one of them. | ||
| Like, it's a lottery thing to find which one of these is the straight guy, you know? | ||
| And the other thing was, these guys were kids. | ||
| They were, like... | ||
| You know, I guess it's a Chippendales road crew. | ||
| It's not like the main guys. | ||
| These guys are like 20, 22, 23. And these women are like in their 50s. | ||
| You know, I was like, this is going to end badly. | ||
| Ugh, the monsters. | ||
| Farmer's wife monsters. | ||
| Screaming cigarette breath. | ||
| Dragons. | ||
| When I was a kid, I had two friends that were male strippers. | ||
| One of them was an older guy. | ||
| I used to work out. | ||
| They both worked out at the gym. | ||
| I worked out. | ||
| And one of them was an older guy and one of them a younger guy. | ||
| And the older guy was real fucking weird. | ||
| Just real weird. | ||
| Like, he had a pair of underwear that was an elephant trunk. | ||
| And his dick would go where the trunk is. | ||
| And then he had, like, little ears. | ||
| You know, it was very fucking strange. | ||
| He would joke around. | ||
| But shit got real one day. | ||
| When we're all hanging around, he was talking about, you know, girls and, you know, go to this... | ||
| And the guy was, you know, pretty built. | ||
| And girls, you know, they go to these bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, and you dance for these girls. | ||
| And the girls get about to get married, and she winds up sucking my dick. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And we're all sitting around laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, you ever have to dance for guys? | |
| And you could hear a pin drop in that fucking room. | ||
| And he looks at me, and I'm looking into his soul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, he goes, yeah, yeah, but I hate it. | |
| I'm like, yeah, okay. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It was the weirdest moment. | ||
| I'll never forget that moment. | ||
| Looking in his eyes with him saying, yeah, but I hate it. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| I'm like, you dance for guys? | ||
| What's that like? | ||
| And then everybody like, yeah, what's that like? | ||
| Because finally someone asked, finally someone asked, But the other dude was this younger guy, this young Puerto Rican kid that I used to work out with. | ||
| And he wound up doing a lot of dancing for dudes. | ||
| He wound up dancing for dudes, and I think he told me he let dudes suck his dick, too. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| He goes, hey, as long as I'm not doing anything, man, dude wants to give me $1,000 to suck my dick. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Yeah, I was going to say, it's probably just money. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't believe he didn't do anything, either. | ||
| You know, $1,000 to suck his dick. | ||
| Okay, well, $10,000 if you suck mine. | ||
| Well, hey... | ||
| As long as you're here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not going to take long, right? | ||
| Listen, when you leave here, they're going to say you suck dick whether you suck dick or not. | ||
| So you might as well pick up ten grand. | ||
| Yeah, you're already in the neighborhood. | ||
| When a guy is sucking your dick, you're already in the neighborhood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You might as well just suck his dick and make the real money. | ||
| I was trying to think what comedy is related. | ||
| Like if there's a comedy gig that's that bad where you're like, fuck it. | ||
| But yeah, we don't have... | ||
| There's no one-nighter where there's a possibility of you sucking a guy's dick. | ||
| Unless you're a gay dude. | ||
| Unless you're a gay dude. | ||
| And you're trying to hook it up. | ||
| If you're trying. | ||
| No, I'm talking about where it just happens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nor is there a gig for chicks where they wind up, you know, for chick comics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what it's... | ||
| It's different for women on the road, though, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't go out and get dick. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Their whole energy is different. | ||
| They get sad. | ||
| Their whole energy is avoid dick. | ||
| Avoid dick. | ||
| I don't want dick. | ||
| I don't want you showing me your dick. | ||
| They usually bring dogs with them. | ||
| They bring a little dog. | ||
| A lot of them have dogs. | ||
| A little tiny dog. | ||
| The weirdest thing I heard, after we did last comic, we were touring this and that, and Tammy Pascatelli said she went to a gig And a guy had a life-size cutout of her that he brought to the gig and he wanted her to sign. | ||
| How fucking weird would that moment be? | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| Is Tammy still living in the middle of nowhere? | ||
| She was like in Pennsylvania or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, she's in Pennsylvania and she's doing good. | ||
| She's doing her, you know. | ||
| She's doing great with stand-up, right? | ||
| Yeah, she's doing great with stand-up. | ||
| She's always cool. | ||
| She's part of Jenny McCarthy's tour, and then she's doing her own gigs. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| She does her radio show, too, right? | ||
| Yeah, she's got a Sirius XM radio show. | ||
| Tammy's always cool. | ||
| Yeah, I've loved Tammy. | ||
| She's always been cool. | ||
| She's funny, too. | ||
| We had a good time when we did the show. | ||
| Who else did you do it with? | ||
| What season were you on? | ||
| I was in seasons two and three. | ||
| Oh, you were on both seasons? | ||
| Yeah, well, three was the kind of thrown together season where they took comics from season one and put them against the comics from season two. | ||
| But I did it with Heffron. | ||
| Gary Gullman, Todd Glass, Kathleen Madigan, Tammy, Corey Holcomb, Ant. | ||
| That's a good crew up to Ant. | ||
| Ant was the reason why I got in a fight with Buddy Hackett. | ||
| I know. | ||
| We know that story. | ||
| And I'm trying to remember, what's his name? | ||
| Jay London. | ||
| Oh, Jay. | ||
| Jay London. | ||
| Jay London, man. | ||
| He's a funny dude, man. | ||
| Yeah, Jay's funny, man. | ||
| But he's, boy, you talk about a guy who's a mess. | ||
| Oh, he's crazy. | ||
| Jay London was selling American flags after 9-11. | ||
| That's what he was doing for a living. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I worked with him. | ||
| The first gig I ever did on television in 1992, I want to say two or three, I did Stand Up Spotlight in New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And it was me and Jay Lunden and a couple other people. | ||
| And Jay and I were friends, you know, from the New York comedy scene. | ||
| And then he just kind of like faded away. | ||
| And then he came to L.A. And in 2001, he was like basically like almost homeless. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Before he did Last Comic. | ||
| Like he was the only guy who stood in line on Last Comic and made it to the finals of the show. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So he went through the whole line to audition? | ||
| He went through the whole wait outside. | ||
| But I'll give you my best Jay London moment. | ||
| We were in the house and it was a game Hefron had. | ||
| He called it 10. I don't know if you ever heard of this. | ||
| It's a group of people and you start telling facts about yourself, starting from the most innocuous thing. | ||
| That's number 10. Like I might say, you know, my name's Alonzo. | ||
| I'm from New York City. | ||
| You know, and you go around. | ||
| Then number nine, you know, I had my first girlfriend at 18 or whatever. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like you go. | ||
| Number six, Jay London. | ||
| Sometimes I get mad at myself and I rip pubic hairs out with pliers. | ||
| And I was like, that's your fucking six? | ||
| Because I had to go after him. | ||
| I was like, that's number six? | ||
| What the fuck do I have? | ||
| Like, that's six. | ||
| And he was serious. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Wow, he gets mad at himself. | ||
| Like, what is your, what is number, I don't think we got to number two. | ||
| What does he get mad at himself for? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Jay's a sweetheart, but definitely a tortured soul. | ||
| There are a lot of demons going on with him. | ||
| It was fascinating watching him become famous, because knowing him as long as I knew him, and then for a small window of like a year or so, after Last Comic Standing, he was really well known. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| People loved him. | ||
| Yeah, and we were at the store. | ||
| People would love him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People would come up to him at the store, and they would go, can I get a picture with you? | |
| And he'd be like, me? | ||
| You want a picture with me? | ||
| He was genuinely confused. | ||
| Yeah, he never figured it out. | ||
| He was a guy who needed someone to take care of him. | ||
| He needed a manager. | ||
| Yeah, he needed a manager that would handle and take care of him, which he didn't have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just book him. | |
| Just get him booked. | ||
| I mean, it's just like having him manage his career on his own. | ||
| Did he ever have a manager? | ||
| He was with Barry briefly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Did he ever have a manager? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| No. | ||
| Yeah, no, he didn't. | ||
| We toured with him for a while. | ||
| Me, him, and Gary Goldman toured for about six months. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And me and Goldman would call it Londonitis. | ||
| Where you just get tired of Jay. | ||
| Like you love him, but man, I can't do it anymore. | ||
| But he needed somebody to help him. | ||
| It was fucked up because it's one of those cases where if somebody worked with him, he could have sustained it. | ||
| He's a guy who could just come in and do 10-minute guest spots forever. | ||
| And people would love him. | ||
| Well, he opened up for Louie recently in L.A. at the Comedy Store when Louie was warming up for his stand-up special that he filmed there. | ||
| And he was really funny, man. | ||
| He's got some great one-liners. | ||
| Yeah, he's got some killer one-liners. | ||
| My girlfriend had crabs. | ||
| I bought her fishnet stockings. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be over here. | |
| And he would move the microphone when a joke didn't go well. | ||
| He's the only guy I know who could honestly do the same joke twice in one set because he forgot and the crowd would laugh. | ||
| Because everyone knew. | ||
| Like, he honestly forgot he's already told that joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they were all non-sequiturs. | ||
| It was like one after the other that didn't make sense. | ||
| The Buddy Hackett story, if you didn't hear it, was Buddy Hackett and Monique and I were hosting. | ||
| We were the judges. | ||
| First season of Last Comic Standing. | ||
| And Ant's killing, right? | ||
| Doing great. | ||
| But he does like a George Carlin joke. | ||
| He does a joke from a movie. | ||
| He does all this shit. | ||
| So I compliment him. | ||
| I say, you got great energy. | ||
| Your delivery's awesome. | ||
| You know, you really got a lot of charisma. | ||
| But I've seen those jokes. | ||
| Like, you did a joke from a movie, the movie Boiler Room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which I guess they stole from Jim David, who's a comic in New York. | ||
| The joke was, you know, they should take you gays and put them on an island. | ||
| They did. | ||
| It's called Manhattan. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know, like, when you say that and you live in L.A., like, come on, bitch, that ain't your joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know? | ||
| Like, that doesn't even make any sense out here. | ||
| But when I said that, you know, I said, look, a comic is supposed to be, when you're on stage, it's supposed to be your point of view. | ||
| Like, that's what everybody wants to go see. | ||
| They want to see, here's the world through your eyes. | ||
| Bunny Hacker just started screaming at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I ain't never heard those jokes before, you fucking asshole. | |
| Just screaming at me. | ||
| Because all those old vaudeville dudes would all steal. | ||
| All steal, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All of them. | |
| They all would steal each other's shit, and they would go from town to town, and they would do jokes, two Jews walking to a bar, and then they would have a little thing that they would piece together. | ||
| Because no one did television back then. | ||
| They never did television. | ||
| Yeah, so nobody knew. | ||
| Nobody knew anything. | ||
| You just had a bunch of gags. | ||
| It was like your toolbox that you'd bring with you, and you'd go and do it. | ||
| And that's the only... | ||
| I mean, we all knew that. | ||
| Everyone knew that as comics. | ||
| You talked to guys that were alive back then. | ||
| They would always talk about that. | ||
| Like the Milton Berle thing was the classic one, right? | ||
| Milton Berle stole everybody's shit. | ||
| But I just struck a chord, and he was screaming at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucking asshole! | |
| Just screaming. | ||
| He had gloves on. | ||
| And I remember trying to figure out what I was going to do. | ||
| Like, am I gonna yell back at Buddy Hall? | ||
| He's like fucking, or Buddy Hackett, rather. | ||
| He's like 80-something years old. | ||
| I mean, he looks like he's on death's door. | ||
| And he's a legend. | ||
| You know, he's a comedy legend. | ||
| And, you know, he's screaming at me, and I know why he's screaming at me. | ||
| And am I gonna say, listen, you're just pissed off because your entire career you stole. | ||
| That's what you guys did. | ||
| You guys all stole. | ||
| What stand-up was back then is not stand-up now. | ||
| This is all in my mind. | ||
| And I'm like, I can't say that. | ||
| I just can't say it. | ||
| It's not my place. | ||
| I'll be crucified. | ||
| So I decided to just eat it. | ||
| I'm not going to say a word. | ||
| So I just sit there while he's screaming at me, and I'm looking at him, and I don't say a word. | ||
| And I think to myself, like, God, did I do the right thing? | ||
| And then fucking Barry came over, who I've never liked. | ||
| He doesn't like me. | ||
| I don't like him. | ||
| And he was the producer of the show. | ||
| It was that weird controversy where all the people that got on the show, even though we didn't vote for them, they wound up getting in because Barry was managing them. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| Because he was producing the show and managing people that were on the show. | ||
| It was fucking gross. | ||
| That was when Drew Carey and Brett Butler walked off the show in the second season for the same reason. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| I'll talk to you about that. | ||
| We'll do that next. | ||
| So I decide. | ||
| I go, I'm not going to say anything. | ||
| I'm going to say that. | ||
| And Barry came over to me. | ||
| You know, you're such a professional. | ||
| I'm really amazed that you just did that. | ||
| The way you did that was beautiful. | ||
| You just handled it perfectly. | ||
| I'm like, thanks. | ||
| Great. | ||
| So I'm thinking to myself, yeah, I'm thinking to myself, Jesus, I definitely did the wrong thing if Barry comes over and tells me that. | ||
| So I, you know, I just... | ||
| And then Monique was like, you made those jokes yours, sugar. | ||
| Those are your jokes now. | ||
| You made them yours. | ||
| I'm like, you made them yours? | ||
| It's a fucking George Carlin joke. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| He's doing the joke about George Carlin talking about how fighters fight for a person. | ||
| They wear a belt. | ||
| That's a goddamn George Carlin bit. | ||
| And he's doing this, and he's going to do it on television. | ||
| I'm like, do you know what's happening here? | ||
| I don't say a word. | ||
| I just let it all happen. | ||
| And two weeks later, Buddy Hackett's dead. | ||
| Two weeks. | ||
| So his health was so fragile that him screaming at me at that moment, if I screamed back at him, he could have died on that show. | ||
| I mean, that's how fragile his health was. | ||
| I mean, he was dead. | ||
| I want to say two weeks, I might be wrong, but it was no more than two months. | ||
| And he was dead. | ||
| And so I was thinking, like, if I yelled at him there, fuck you, you old cunt. | ||
| That would be the worst thing. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| His heart explodes. | ||
| Yeah, Joe Rogan kills Buddy Haggit. | ||
| No, literally killed him. | ||
| Yeah, literally killed him. | ||
| And this was all, I want to say this is all pre the Mencia thing, too. | ||
| It was, right? | ||
| When was the last comic standing? | ||
| What year? | ||
| 05. Yes. | ||
| 04, 05. Yeah, so this was pre, because the Mencia thing was like 2007. Well, what happened with Brett and Drew Carey, and I always felt that they set them up You know, kind of set them up for this to happen. | ||
| So we're doing the semifinals in Vegas, right? | ||
| There's 20 of us there, and 10 of us are going to go forward into the house and do the show. | ||
| So it came down to, I think it was Dan Natterman and somebody else. | ||
| It was between the two of them. | ||
| And Natterman had had a killer set, and I love Natterman. | ||
| Natterman's really funny. | ||
| But I think they didn't see everything that led up to that. | ||
| In other words, we had done our auditions in our various cities. | ||
| We had done New York. | ||
| And they had us do some shit backstage. | ||
| Like we had a gambling night. | ||
| We had a party. | ||
| And Dan doesn't really interact. | ||
| Like it's, you know, a lot of comics. | ||
| You stay to yourself. | ||
| Like it's a thing. | ||
| And I think all of that made a difference in them picking... | ||
| But they had Brett and Drew under the impression that they were going to pick the ten. | ||
| Because one of the other comics they picked wasn't going to get on because they did the same set at both auditions and they'd kill you for that. | ||
| They were like, look, if you don't have two different three-minute sets, you're not ready for the show or whatever. | ||
| So I felt they set... | ||
| Brett up, because I remember when Brett got pissed and got up out the chair and walked off, because I think we all knew that they weren't making the final decision. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They were like celebrity judges, but they weren't going to, you know what I mean? | ||
| Well, it wasn't, you weren't really judging. | ||
| They didn't take you into consideration at all. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was the producer's decision, which is why it was so frustrating for people when they found out that Barry was managing people. | ||
| Yeah, and the one thing I can say when all that went down, I had no connection with anybody. | ||
| Because Barry managed some, and then Ross, Bob and Ross from The Tonight Show, they had had a management company before they were scouts for The Tonight Show, and I think one or two of the comics had been with their management company. | ||
| But I was like, nope. | ||
| Check my history. | ||
| There's no one pulling for me here. | ||
| But then I went back a few years later, season five, and I was one of the judges. | ||
| And so now I'm on the other side of the table. | ||
| And I got to say, I don't know how it was when you did it. | ||
| They didn't interfere with us. | ||
| Like, they didn't tell us who they wanted. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, they didn't really... | ||
| The only thing they would tell us is if somebody did that act before. | ||
| In other words, they tried out with it in 05 and now they're back in 06 with the same act. | ||
| And then there were a couple of times, I'll never forget, there was this one... | ||
| This chick had been like Miss New Jersey or something like that. | ||
| Like she was a beauty queen and she was hot as hell. | ||
| Not funny at all, but just fucking amazing to look at, right? | ||
| So they were like... | ||
| Gotta get her in the house. | ||
| Gotta pass her. | ||
| Yeah, they were like, you gotta pass her. | ||
| You gotta bring her back to the night audition. | ||
| And we're like... | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like it's not gonna... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We brought her... | ||
| We were at Gotham's in New York. | ||
| Man... | ||
| It was the most awkward silence, like her act. | ||
| It was like this monologue and just the crowd was just, like, where it's not even bombing. | ||
| Yeah, the look on your face right now, I don't know if there's a camera on you, but if people, if you saw the face Joe just made, that was the whole, yeah, a lot of that. | ||
| That painful feeling. | ||
| She's beautiful, isn't she? | ||
| Look at her hair. | ||
| Look at her hair. | ||
| Is she still the stand-up? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| What if she got good? | ||
| Like really good? | ||
| Could have. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think she would have been plucked into the actress pool if she was funny at all. | ||
| And even remotely decent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they didn't tell us anything, who they wanted and who they didn't, but it was real obvious when we all, like, we would talk about it, like, before Buddy got mad at me. | ||
| You know, I'm like, did you guys pick them? | ||
| How did this guy get through? | ||
| Like, there was a conversation where we were trying to figure out how someone got through that we didn't pick, that none of us picked. | ||
| Monique didn't pick him. | ||
| That was what it was. | ||
| I don't think I was talking to Buddy. | ||
| I think Monique didn't pick him and I didn't pick him. | ||
| I go, you didn't pick him and I didn't pick him, right? | ||
| I go, how did this guy get through? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And then there was, um... | ||
| There was the Brett Butler thing, and then we had read that the judges were really just sort of for show, and that really it was the producer's decision who to get on and not get on the show. | ||
| Yeah, ultimately it was, because part of it, like I was talking with K.P. Anderson about it, because K.P. was working on the show. | ||
| He was writing for Jay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And K.P. said, you know, well, part of it is you've got to have a balance in comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So you can't have all white guys or all black guys. | ||
| They had an idea of how many slots. | ||
| Because he told me the thing when the season I went on with Corey Holcomb, he said, look, they only thought there'd be one black comic. | ||
| But you and Corey were both so funny and so completely different. | ||
| That they were just like, yeah, bring them both on. | ||
| And then when it came down to, there were six of us and going to be five finalists, right? | ||
| And me and Corey were both still in the running. | ||
| And we were like, all right, one of us ain't going to make it. | ||
| It ain't going to be two brothers in the final five on NBC. That just ain't going to happen. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So whichever one of us makes it. | ||
| We, you know, we're back the other one. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because we knew. | ||
| But how is that? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| If you guys were the two best, it should be a possibility. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it should be. | |
| Isn't that fucked up about the show? | ||
| But it's not just that show. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, that's how TV works. | ||
| Like, you know, I've always said that, like, when people talk about discrimination in TV, there's definitely discrimination in TV, but a lot of it, but one of the colors they see is green. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And some of the shit they do, like when they do stereotypes, like we were talking about it earlier, you know, like Friday night I was on Dr. Ken's show as a bouncer, alright? | ||
| I fucking nail bouncer, alright? | ||
| I've been a bouncer on more sitcoms and more movies. | ||
| Now, you know, could I get mad and say, well, you know, I can play a professor? | ||
| Yeah, I could, but I'm damn sure I could play bouncer, you know? | ||
| And it's like, that's how TV works, right? | ||
| Like every hot blonde is dumb on TV. And every sitcom dad is a bumbling idiot, you know? | ||
| And it's like, that's how they play the game. | ||
| So you can get mad at it to an extent. | ||
| And I understood, like, the Emmy speech that Viola Davis made. | ||
| Like, I get that. | ||
| Like, she's like, if we had more opportunities, there would be more black actresses like me. | ||
| And I never want to insult people who act on that level. | ||
| By lumping myself in that category. | ||
| I'm not an actor like that. | ||
| I love playing the bouncer. | ||
| It's easy and I get health insurance. | ||
| But as a comic, you're a professional comic. | ||
| A legit professional comic. | ||
| And the idea that you wouldn't have you and Corey Holcomb, who's also a legit professional comic, hilarious dude. | ||
| You two hilarious guys that it's not possible that you can get into the finals. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| It was possible, but we kind of knew. | ||
| You knew it wasn't possible. | ||
| We knew. | ||
| On UPN, we'd have got it. | ||
| On UPN, I forgot that existed. | ||
| The WB, remember the WB? On the WB? Shit, it would have been, listen, Mr. Heffron, we're going to see you later. | ||
| Me and Corey got business to take care of. | ||
| Well, at least Heffron's funny. | ||
| Heffron's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| After all the dust settled, we were all cool with it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It was what it was. | ||
| And it was a good shot for all of us. | ||
| But I liked it better then than I do now. | ||
| I think the show was better when you had all the reality and all that. | ||
| What do they do now? | ||
| Now it's just straight stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's like they just get up and do stand-up against each other. | ||
| And America votes. | ||
| Oh, the whole America votes. | ||
| I don't even know if America votes or I don't even know how they do it now because, you know, when we did it, they didn't have Twitter and shit like that. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| I did it when we had MySpace and I had a girlfriend who would get mad at me Because of things chicks would post on MySpace after they saw me on TV. Oh, Alonzo! | ||
| I got no control over this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She would get mad at you for things other people posted? | |
| She was never able to adjust to TV. You know how TV is. | ||
| Pretty women are like a decoration on TV. You know what I mean? | ||
| They're always around. | ||
| And whenever there's an event, there's hot chicks there that nobody really knows how they got there. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I don't know who invited them or what, but they're just here. | ||
| But that's how it is. | ||
| It's always like that. | ||
| And she was never comfortable with that. | ||
| And I was like, look, if they're going to fuck anybody, they're going to fuck a producer. | ||
| Like, they know. | ||
| They know how this game works. | ||
| They know they're only going to get so far fucking the winner of last comic stand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not a career move. | ||
| You might be a step, though. | ||
| You might be a stepping stone. | ||
| A stepping stone at best. | ||
| A nice little rock to get you across the creek. | ||
| I might be able to get you backstage where you could meet somebody. | ||
| And she was hot, but she never couldn't get used to it. | ||
| There's some of those things, some of those events where they bring in girls. | ||
| I knew girls that would get hired. | ||
| They would literally get hired. | ||
| They'd get paid like a thousand bucks to go to these events and parties and mingle because they want to just be filled with tents. | ||
| Right, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| It's just filled with hot chicks, but they're not, like I used to always say, they're not real. | ||
| They're just here. | ||
| Not meaning they're not real. | ||
| They're real people. | ||
| I'm sure they have a life and stuff, but in this atmosphere, they're here to make this room look good. | ||
| They're also here to find some sort of a producer that might be able to take care of them. | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| I used to call them coyotes. | ||
| God bless them if you, you know, you can make it work. | ||
| Some chubby Jewish dude and just start working them. | ||
| I quote my friend in one of my favorite comics, Matt Kazan. | ||
| Look, I got my own problems. | ||
| Me and Matt be on the road, and he'd say that a hundred times. | ||
| Whenever you read something in the paper, like some guy, you know, tornado blew his trailer away and his dog died, Matt was like, yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got my own problems. | |
| Yeah, you can concentrate on other people's problems way too long, and you get lost. | ||
| You lose yourself. | ||
| It's just too easy. | ||
| That's the other thing about social media. | ||
| It's too easy to get caught up in nonsense that really shouldn't affect you at all. | ||
| Yeah, and some people do more than... | ||
| Like, it's unreasonable. | ||
| Like, okay, we can't save everyone from everything. | ||
| Like, in a perfect world, we could, but no. | ||
| The world's not perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, and it's the same way with Hollywood and show business. | ||
| Like, you have to remember this shit ain't real. | ||
| You know, it is on some level, but a lot of it is just glamorous, and they treat you good, and they love you, and they... | ||
| I think what helped me was the fact that I worked in the real world before I got into this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I remember my first job, I was a truck driver for the show Power Rangers, for the kids' show. | ||
| And I'd never worked in TV, and I didn't know anything about it. | ||
| And we go, and there's breakfast, and then there's lunch, and I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| What? | ||
| And, you know, I'm hearing someone complain, and I want to say, you know, in the real world, you've got to get your own food. | ||
| They feed you every day. | ||
| You might want to show a little gratitude here. | ||
| Well, when you're on the Power Rangers, you wish you were on Friends. | ||
| This is how it is. | ||
| Everybody always wants better. | ||
| No one's ever happy. | ||
| There's always a bigger, better deal around the corner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had fun with that show. | ||
| Actually, that's where I learned everything about TV. I learned what the best boy is and what the key grip... | ||
| You see all those titles and you're like, what the hell is that? | ||
| And that's where I learned who all those people are. | ||
| I learned what upstage meant while I was on a television show. | ||
| They told me, could you move upstage? | ||
| I go... | ||
| Which way is that? | ||
| Which way is upstage? | ||
| It's all flat. | ||
| And you know there were a bunch of people like, oh Jesus. | ||
| How the fuck did he get here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking comics. | |
| They were mad. | ||
| They were mad. | ||
| I worked with some actors that really didn't like the fact that I had never really done any acting before. | ||
| And then it was easy. | ||
| It's not that hard. | ||
| But upstage, the way it used to be in those Victorians, Shakespearean stages, it was a ramp. | ||
| The stage was not flat. | ||
| It was elevated in the back. | ||
| And the idea being that you could see it through the entire crowd. | ||
| As they moved to the back of the stage, upstage, you could see in the back. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They had to make a ramp so everyone could see it. | ||
| Yeah, because they were flat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody was flat. | |
| Then someone figured out, hey, wait a minute. | ||
| If we put the seats in a ramp, we can make the stage flat. | ||
| It's one of those great moments in theater that nobody got credit for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy who said, hey, man. | ||
| How about if we put the seats uphill and we keep... | ||
| Keep the stage flat. | ||
| Keep the stage flat. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So I'm going to tell you my great Joe Rogan story, because I don't know if you remember this story, but I will always remember this story. | ||
| This was... | ||
| No, this was a great... | ||
| This was my second year at Montreal. | ||
| I had gone once and I had done New Faces, and then, you know... | ||
| Just doing whatever. | ||
| It was great for me, and that's when I became a comic full-time, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| So I come back the next year. | ||
| And I bumped into you, and I think either you were still on news radio or you had just finished news radio or something like that. | ||
| What year was it? | ||
| 99? | ||
| 98? | ||
| Yeah, 98. Probably on it still. | ||
| I think it ended in 99. And then Kevin James showed up, and I think Kevin's show was about to hit or it just hit or something like that. | ||
| And you grabbed me, and you're like, come on, we're doing spots. | ||
| And I rode around in a cab with you and Kevin James, crashing stages, and now I'm just coming off new faces, so I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| I'm hanging out with Joe Rogan and Kevin James. | ||
| I'm a fucking comic now! | ||
| I'll always remember that, man. | ||
| That was so fucking cool at that time. | ||
| Because you knew me from the Laugh Factory, but you know what I mean? | ||
| You guys were both on sitcoms, and you're recognized everywhere you walk in. | ||
| And I'm just like, is that their security? | ||
| Nah, it's a fucking comic. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I remember driving around with you. | ||
| But to me... | ||
| I mean, I never wanted to be on TV, so being on TV was just something like, whoa, okay, I'll do that. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| Yeah, all right, I'm on TV. But any moment while I was on stand-up, when I was on TV, I was thinking, this is going to end, and I'm going to go right back to being a stand-up. | ||
| I always thought of myself as a stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, I love being a stand-up. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| I mean, I would love that. | ||
| Everyone would love that hit TV thing. | ||
| That's the lottery payoff, right? | ||
| When you get one of those and you make a ton of money. | ||
| But there's nothing like being on stage. | ||
| And the other thing I've always loved is the respect of the good comics. | ||
| That's everything. | ||
| When the good ones, when the pros, the masters, whatever you want to call them. | ||
| And you know you got it because they just treat you like you're one of them. | ||
| You know, that was always the thing when they talk to you, they treat you like you're like, okay, yeah, I'm in. | ||
| Dude, I was in the parking lot of the Comedy Store in like 94 or something like that. | ||
| And Damon Wayans, he had seen me on stage and he looked at me and he goes, you a funny motherfucker. | ||
| He goes, you a funny motherfucker. | ||
| Goddamn, that was funny. | ||
| And I remember like my whole body was tingling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like... | |
| Damon Wayans said that? | ||
| To me, that was the most elevating thing that could have ever happened. | ||
| I was like, holy shit, I'm legit. | ||
| I can't believe this. | ||
| And then you become that guy. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| In the past five years, I've definitely become the old guy. | ||
| Like, there's so many young comics. | ||
| I mean, oh, man, I was watching you and, oh, man, just talking to you. | ||
| I'm learning. | ||
| I'm like, I got you. | ||
| Because I remember, like, George Wallace was my guy. | ||
| Like, I used to see George at the Laugh Factory and I'd talk to him and this or that. | ||
| And he still fucks with me about it. | ||
| Like, we were in Vegas. | ||
| We were having lunch or something. | ||
| He's like, yeah, there's Alonzo just sitting around waiting for me to die. | ||
| I was like, you're damn right, George. | ||
| I take over this whole operation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Vegas operation. | ||
| He hated that operation, man. | ||
| Yeah, toward the end. | ||
| I talked to him about it at the Comedy Magic Club. | ||
| He came backstage and I was there and we were hanging out and talking and he said, he goes, it is not easy. | ||
| He said, it is hard. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| They four wall it. | ||
| He had to pay for everything to promote it. | ||
| Because he was going up again. | ||
| He said the reason he stopped doing it, because other clubs, they were giving it away free. | ||
| So he's four-walling and trying to sell tickets when they're giving away, you know, free tickets to so-and-so's show because they're backed by the casino. | ||
| And he said that's why he said you just got to where you couldn't, you can't compete with free. | ||
| You got to go on the road and you haven't really established yourself on the road in decades because all this time he's been in Vegas doing this one place just trying to pack this one place with people out of town so he's got the billboards he's got the the things on top of the cabs and all that shit and he's got a good hustle at keeping it together in Vegas but that shit doesn't mean anything when you go to Philly you know the people that haven't gone to Vegas they're like George who? | ||
| George Wallace? | ||
| Oh yeah, I remember that guy. | ||
| They're not going to come. | ||
| They're not going to come. | ||
| Was he on Comedy Central last year? | ||
| When was the last time he had a special? | ||
| That's always been my weakest thing. | ||
| I've never been great at marketing. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Marketing's a tough gig, but he had a great run in Vegas, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| For a long time, he had a great run. | ||
| How many years was he there? | ||
| I think nine. | ||
| Yeah, I think nine years. | ||
| But I talked to another guy who had one of those shows, and he told me, he said, man, you see them taxis? | ||
| I get a bill for that. | ||
| Like every month, like the casino gives me a bill. | ||
| The casino gives you a bill. | ||
| Yeah, because the casino puts up the money to put your picture on top of 100 taxi cabs, you know. | ||
| And then at the end of the month, you get a bill for that. | ||
| Or they take it out of what you made in the box office. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, yeah, it's tough. | ||
| Unless you're a big name, you know, unless you're one of those big Vegas shows going in. | ||
| But you have to be like Britney Spears or something like that. | ||
| Like, I never hear about a comic having a big name. | ||
| Like, I guess Carrot Top. | ||
| He does well. | ||
| But he's more of a variety show. | ||
| I mean, he's a comic for sure, but he's more of a variety show. | ||
| Because he's got props and... | ||
| He's been in Vegas long enough. | ||
| He's built a show there. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| People know him. | ||
| It's kind of like Siegfried and Roy type thing. | ||
| Carrot Top is a Vegas show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long has he been in there? | ||
| Ten? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Probably like ten years. | ||
| He's been in longer than George. | ||
| There's no one else, though. | ||
| I mean, what's her name? | ||
| Well, Rita Rudner was there. | ||
| Yeah, Rita Rudner. | ||
| Louis Anderson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, Louie had a show there. | |
| I didn't remember his. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Didn't Eddie Griffin do something there for a while? | ||
| I think Eddie Griffin still has a thing at the Rio. | ||
| Like, yeah, but it's not all week. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Weeknights at the Rio or something. | ||
| It's a weird night thing. | ||
| It's like a Monday or a Tuesday. | ||
| Monday and Tuesday night or something like that. | ||
| I've always wondered what that would be like. | ||
| There was one time we were negotiating to do a... | ||
| They wanted to do a reality stars thing in Vegas so they'd have... | ||
| I was going to host it because I won last comic standing and then they were going to have the winner of the country singing. | ||
| They couldn't get the big American Idol winners and stuff like that, but it was all the... | ||
| Second-tier reality shows like the winner of the country music singing show. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| There's some show on country music television, like American Idol, but for country singers. | ||
| Meanwhile, it probably gets 20 million people to watch it. | ||
| Yeah, and they wanted all of us to do a show, and I had hoped it went, because I wanted to see what it would be like to just be on a Vegas show, to live in Vegas and work in Vegas for six months. | ||
| You would go crazy. | ||
| Think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think you'd go crazy, and I think your world would get very weird. | ||
| I think your world gets weird if you live there. | ||
| I think there's something strange about being in a city that is... | ||
| I love Vegas. | ||
| I love working there. | ||
| I love doing the UFC there, but I love getting the fuck out of there just as much as I love getting there. | ||
| Yeah, a week is pretty much as much Vegas as you can... | ||
| I never even do a week. | ||
| I do two days. | ||
| That's all I've ever done. | ||
| And even two days. | ||
| When Sunday rolls around, I take the fucking 6 a.m. | ||
| flight out. | ||
| And I'm not kidding. | ||
| I've stayed up all night. | ||
| And then I say, well, I'm just going to have a fucking Red Bull and play with my kids on Sunday morning. | ||
| I'm going to stay awake. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| I'm getting out of here. | ||
| I'm not taking some noon flight or 1 p.m. | ||
|
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flight. | |
| And the last thing you want to do is try to drive. | ||
| Yeah, not on the weekend. | ||
| If you're gonna drive out of Vegas, you better leave at Saturday night at 5 a.m. | ||
| You better leave. | ||
| You gotta do it. | ||
| Because otherwise, it's gonna take forever. | ||
| I know people, it's take eight, nine hours. | ||
| When I go, when I do a club... | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| I'll hang out. | ||
| I don't hang out on the strip. | ||
| Like, I'll go to a gym somewhere off the strip, and I'll go eat somewhere off the strip. | ||
| And then you're there at night and that's okay. | ||
| But the idea, and I'm not a gambler, like the idea of just being in that casino doing that for a week. | ||
| But I've talked to people who work there and they're like, if you work here you don't even hear the bells. | ||
| Like, they walk to the stage, you know what I mean? | ||
| They have a thing, they go back, go on stage, go on stage, do your show, leave, go home. | ||
| You live somewhere else away from the Strip. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Well, I know people that live in Henderson. | ||
| Like, my buddy Max lives in Henderson. | ||
| Like, you know, nice suburb. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| You know, he's a professional pool player. | ||
| A lot of pool action in Vegas. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that live outside of it that really like it, you know. | ||
| Yeah, like, I don't know if you know, do you know Matt King? | ||
| Matt King, no. | ||
| Mac does it. | ||
| He's a magician. | ||
| He has like an afternoon show, I think, at Harrah's. | ||
| But he's been there. | ||
| Like, he just sold his two millionth ticket. | ||
| Like, he's been there forever. | ||
| It's his gig. | ||
| And he loves it. | ||
| And, you know, it's like a one-hour show at like four in the afternoon for the whole family. | ||
| It's like clean. | ||
| And he loves it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's been there forever. | ||
| 15 years? | ||
| Well, if you had to choose between living in Vegas and living in Toledo, I'll take fucking Vegas every goddamn day of the week. | ||
| No offense, Toledo, but you know what the fuck I'm saying. | ||
| I think there's something weird, though, about living in a city that is the place that people go to get crazy. | ||
| Yeah, well, you have to get away. | ||
| That's why you can't. | ||
| I don't know anyone who lives there who goes to the Strip on a regular basis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyone I know who lives in Vegas, they're like, yeah, I'll go. | ||
| Occasionally there's a show they'll go to or they'll take their friends there when their friends visit, but otherwise they just don't go to the strip. | ||
| Have you ever been to that bar on the top of Vegas, the top of the, is it Mandalay Bay? | ||
| I think it's Mandalay Bay, the bar on the top where it looks out over, it's like the most insane view. | ||
| Like the 50th floor or something like that, yeah. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| And you get up there and you look out at all that neon and all that craziness and it literally is like an image of the future from a science fiction movie. | ||
| Like if you were in the 1920s or something like that and people imagine, what do you think it's going to be like in 2015? | ||
| Well, this is what they would probably imagine. | ||
| See, the thing I love about Vegas, and I've always said, if somebody came from another country, they're like, I want to see America. | ||
| I got five days. | ||
| We're going to Vegas. | ||
| Because, you know, you get like the buffet at Circus Circus, right? | ||
| And you see the American hillbilly in his, you know, natural environment, right? | ||
| And then you go to like the Bellagio and you see the beautiful millionaires and you just... | ||
| That's the thing I love about Vegas. | ||
| Like, it is the craziest... | ||
| If you watch the strip... | ||
| You will see the craziest collision of cultures, you know? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Is that a pimp talking to a Kansas City grandma? | ||
|
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Yeah! | |
| This is Vegas! | ||
| Yeah, and that's a genuine pimp right there in a green suit. | ||
| Yeah, he's right there walking the strip. | ||
| That's what I love about Vegas. | ||
| It is the best and worst of America. | ||
| It's like fine dining, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like just the steakhouse with the greatest cut of meat you've ever had or... | ||
| You know, $3.99, all you can eat, shrimp. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's shrimp. | ||
| Nathan's hot dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Circus Circus is a classic one. | ||
| The Riviera used to be classic, but they're tearing that fucker down, man. | ||
| Yeah, they're tearing the rip down. | ||
| Now it's all the corporate mall casinos, where you can't tell which one you're in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're just trying to rake up money. | ||
| Especially, they were hit hard during the downtime of the economy. | ||
| When 2008, when the economy crashed, I was in Vegas, and I was asking one of the guys who was a cab driver, I said, what do you think? | ||
| Like, how much is it down here? | ||
| And he goes, it's about 50%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went, wow, 50%. | ||
| Yeah, they laid off a ton of people. | ||
| Like, the hotels were empty, and all those... | ||
| Yeah, cab drivers and all that other stuff, a lot of them lost their jobs. | ||
| All the service people, all the people that were, you know, dependent upon folks hopping around town and also giving out tips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, when people and the money's tight, those tips are the first thing that dry up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you're on your own, bitch. | ||
| You know, that whole industry of people relying on people coming there, that's a very tricky, tricky thing. | ||
| And then the housing thing dropped. | ||
| They built all those condos and all of that. | ||
| You remember Shamitash? | ||
|
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|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| Shay Matash is a comic from a comedy store. | ||
| She accidentally married two different gay guys. | ||
| She's fucking hilarious. | ||
| She married two different dudes and it turns out they were gay. | ||
| I'm like, are you fucking attracting gay guys? | ||
| But she bought a house out there for like a hundred grand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she said, it's amazing. | ||
| She has a great house in a nice neighborhood. | ||
| She goes, I got a yard. | ||
| I got a great kitchen. | ||
| I know a few people who did that. | ||
| Yeah, I got a friend. | ||
| You can get a real house there. | ||
| A buddy, Don Barnhart, he did that. | ||
| He moved there, bought a nice house, you know, him and his wife, and he's been there for years. | ||
| And if you live in L.A., the idea of a nice $100,000 house, it's like a fucking unicorn. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| $100,000, that's it? | ||
| That's all you have to pay? | ||
| That's a down payment on a house. | ||
| But you know, in America, you see that, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I was in Indianapolis, and I don't know if you ever did Bob and Tom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so you know the houses out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, so how much are you? | ||
| I was like, eh, it's about $3.50 for it. | ||
|
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|
I'm like, what? | |
| Like, my townhouse costs more than that. | ||
| Like, I could live like a king in Indianapolis. | ||
| Yeah, you could have a palace in Indianapolis. | ||
| But I gotta live in Indianapolis. | ||
| That is the problem. | ||
| With all due respect to Indianapolis. | ||
| It's not happening. | ||
| With all due respect to Alonzo staying in L.A. But you gotta think, like we were talking about with Tammy Pascatelli, as a touring comic, you really... | ||
| You know, your home becomes just a base, and you travel out of it. | ||
| If you have somewhere with... | ||
| I remember Schimmel telling me, because Schimmel moved to Scottsdale. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said, man, I got a beautiful house. | ||
| He said, I got a great airport. | ||
| He said, that's all you need. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said, if you're a road comic, if you got a good airport... | ||
| You can live anywhere you want. | ||
| Yeah, that is all you need. | ||
| But when you leave L.A. or New York, you give up the weekday spots and you give up the auditions. | ||
| There is an aspect of the business you give up when you leave New York and L.A. The weekday spots are big. | ||
| The weekday spots and also being around great comics. | ||
| You know, Tom Rhodes just moved to L.A. And Tom had been, Tom has been like living like a vagabond. | ||
| Like he just lives out of a suitcase. | ||
| Been living hotel to hotel for years. | ||
| I think for like five years he hasn't had an actual address. | ||
| And he came to the comedy store. | ||
| And it was like a Friday night or something like that. | ||
| And he saw, you know, Burr was on. | ||
| I was on. | ||
| It was just a packed fucking room. | ||
| Just madness. | ||
| Just one smash after another. | ||
| Like all these people were there that were really high level. | ||
| It was just a great night of comedy. | ||
| Neil Brennan killed. | ||
| I think Chappelle might have stopped in that night. | ||
| It was just madness. | ||
| And then he said, I gotta fucking, I gotta move here. | ||
| He was like, I can't. | ||
| He goes, I'm not seeing good comedy. | ||
| Yeah, it's too easy to rest when you're on the road. | ||
| And then you come here, even last week, like Tuesday night when we did Dom's show, and it was like me, Joey, and you with Dom Herrera. | ||
| I don't get that in Indy. | ||
| You're not gonna get that. | ||
| And it elevates your own level because, you know, you realize, like, I gotta ramp my game up, you know? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And like we were saying before, that joke you did about wiggers, like, Joey and I were, like, howling on the phone laughing about that one joke. | ||
| We're cracking. | ||
| Like, that's important for comics. | ||
| Yeah, you have to get into town. | ||
| And New York now is going crazy like that. | ||
| But it pushes you because you're like, man... | ||
| These guys are good. | ||
| I gotta stay sharp. | ||
| And now you have the next generation coming up. | ||
| I like working some of those alternative rooms and some of those youngster rooms just to be around something different. | ||
| Not the bullshit side, but the ones who are real comics, but they're coming up and they're just funny, but they're doing it in a different way. | ||
| I like being around that. | ||
| Well, there's a group that are coming up now that grew up with the internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is the first generation of stand-up comedians, these guys that are in their early 20s. | ||
| You've got to think, 1994, 20 fucking one years ago, that's when the internet came around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They all grew up with the internet. | ||
| When they were five and six years old. | ||
| All technology is normal to them. | ||
| It's totally normal and a part of life. | ||
| So we start talking about looking at encyclopedias, like, what? | ||
|
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Did you break out the scrolls of the elders? | |
| Did you go to the sacred cabin in the woods where they kept the scrolls? | ||
| And then the other side, when you see older comics who don't change their act, so they'll make like a videotape reference, and you're like, videotape? | ||
|
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That's the worst. | |
| You know, and you gotta set the clock on your... | ||
| Set the clock? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You've heard someone do a joke like that recently? | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the past three years, I've heard set the clock on the VCR. There's nothing sadder than a lot of these guys that just don't write anymore. | |
| There's something about, like, musicians can pull that off. | ||
| Like, musicians from the 1960s can do the same songs. | ||
| If you went to see, you know, fill in the blank, you know, whatever band, and they were doing some shit from the 1960s, you'd be like, oh, shit, that's a great song. | ||
| But if you went to see a comic and they were doing jokes from the 1960s, you'd be like, what kind of sadness am I looking at? | ||
| Like I said, I do these jazz cruises. | ||
| And I love it, because I get to work with some of the greatest jazz musicians in the world. | ||
| And they're brilliant. | ||
| But I bring that up. | ||
| And they love when I fuck with them about it, because I'm like, look, I gotta do a show Monday, and then I do another show Friday. | ||
| And I gotta do two different shows. | ||
| You are playing some shit Miles Davis wrote in 1947, and they think you're a fucking genius. | ||
| You are playing some shit that Dizzy Gillespie played after the war. | ||
| That would be World War II, and they think you're brilliant. | ||
| But I fuck with them. | ||
| They love it, though. | ||
| Because it is true. | ||
| When you're a musician, and if you have a hit song, you have to play that song, you know, no matter how old it is or whatever it is. | ||
| You have to do that song. | ||
| And if I do a joke, we heard that one, and I could never be like, alright, it's from Eddie Murphy and Delirious 1983. I'd like to do Gunny Goo Hoo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no cover comics. | ||
| There used to be. | ||
| Do you remember Elon Gold? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He used to do impressions of comedians and doing it with their own material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then people started getting mad at him. | ||
| Because his impressions were dead on. | ||
| He did amazing impressions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he would do it with their material. | ||
| But that's funny because you're doing it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're not doing it as if you came up with it yourself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he still had to stop doing it. | ||
| He got in trouble a little bit. | ||
| People got mad at him. | ||
| I don't know who got mad at him, but that's what I had heard. | ||
| So then he started doing impressions of these comics with material that he wrote. | ||
| I heard some guy did an hour of Patrice and put it on YouTube as if it was his own. | ||
| Well, he had done a bunch of other stuff that Patrice had done in the past and not acknowledged it, and he tried to pretend that it was obviously just an homage to Patrice, but it wasn't. | ||
| It wasn't. | ||
| He's just a plagiarist. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| People are insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People think they can get away with shit. | ||
| There's a lot of nutty people out there that think that they're gonna sneak by. | ||
| And you know, some of them do because the audience doesn't know. | ||
| You know, we know, but the audience doesn't, so... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you fool the audience. | ||
| There's some guys to this day that snuck by. | ||
| You tell people, that guy, he got famous by being a plagiarist. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| And you go, yeah, go Google it. | ||
| And you'll tell them, they'll go Google it. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Yeah, but they don't care. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They do. | ||
| You know how you can always tell? | ||
| I wonder if the artist cares, like if the comic or whoever, you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
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They care. | |
| Look what you said. | ||
| You know it when you can bullshit the crowd and you can make millions of dollars, but then you're in the room or you're on the show with the real comics. | ||
| Same thing with singers. | ||
| If you're one of these singers where the machine is doing it, but now you're in a situation like, oh shit. | ||
| Award show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You call yourself a diva, but Aretha Franklin's in the room. | ||
|
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And you're like, oh shit, this isn't going to go wrong. | |
| They care because, like, what you were saying, like, that the respect of the old guard, like, the respect of respected comedians, like, coming up to you, like, you know, we've all had, like, I tell you that the Damon Wayans one, I'll never forget that, because it's in the parking lot, and I was like, whoa, he probably doesn't even remember, you know, but just becoming friends with Robert Schimmel, you know, I'm like, I'm really friends with Robert Schimmel, like, he's a real comic, and I'm friends with him, like, I guess I'm a comic now, like, I can be a comedian. | ||
| Like, it doesn't seem... | ||
| Like, now, we both... | ||
| We've been around so long, it's just normal. | ||
| But, damn, the beginning is so fucking shaky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you still... | ||
| I think there'll always be some moments with some comics where you're like, wow. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| That's really cool that I notice. | ||
| I'm friends with this guy or whatever. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| So those guys don't have that. | ||
| Those guys know that we know that they're full of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That eats away at them. | ||
| I mean, that always ate away at Mencia. | ||
| That was one of Mencia's biggest things is that no comics liked him. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Those biggest things that you never got anybody's respect. | ||
| You used to chew away at him. | ||
| Yeah, it's a tough place. | ||
| And then the other thing that's funny is when they take an actor and they call him a comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what happened with Michael Richards. | ||
| That's what happened with Richard. | ||
| It was like, you're not a comic. | ||
| You know what happened with Michael Richards? | ||
| The same shit that got you arrested. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Michael Richards came to the Comedy Store before he went to the Laugh Factory, coked out of his mind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was just all real aggressive and talking crazy shit and just wasn't, just was out of it. | ||
| Just out of it. | ||
| But I watched him go up at the Comedy Store and my initial thought was like, oh shit, I didn't even know Michael Richards did stand up. | ||
| And he would go on stage and the audience went nuts. | ||
| But then three minutes in, they were like, When does this guy start telling jokes? | ||
| What he'd do, I'd watch him, and then he would just do a Seinfeld move, like the head shake, something like that from Seinfeld, and the crowd would love it. | ||
| For a little bit. | ||
| Well, you know, that's the thing. | ||
| That's the beauty of stand-up, no matter who you are, right? | ||
| Even Seinfeld said that, like, no matter who you are. | ||
| You gotta be funny. | ||
| Like, he was like, B and Jerry Seinfeld got me the first five minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they're like, alright, what else you got? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, this fucking show's an hour long, dude. | ||
| You better come with some thunder. | ||
| This Cosby thing, man, we were talking about that, about, like, how this guy... | ||
| For the longest time was thought of as like one of the all-time greats and now people look at him and they think well he's a guy that's just he's just a piece of shit yeah like that flip-flop between being like this respected adored idolized all-time great comedians like if you had to pick a Mount Rushmore stand-up comedy there's only four guys on there one of those fucking guys until the last year one of those guys is gonna be Bill Cosby Yeah. | ||
| You know, I'm so torn because I love Cosby. | ||
| I think Cosby's one of the greatest, if not the greatest of all time. | ||
| Definitely would be on the Mount Rushmore. | ||
| So now it's like, okay, still a great comic, but bad guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, at best... | ||
| Flawed human being. | ||
| But I don't understand. | ||
| I'll never understand the motive. | ||
| It had to be, and it's just my opinion, there had to be some weird fetish involved. | ||
| Because it's not like you can't get laid if you're Bill Cosby. | ||
|
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I think he probably... | |
| So there had to be some kind of weird turn-on or something. | ||
| You know, like, I'd be interested... | ||
| In what a psychologist would say, like, why does someone do this? | ||
| I think a lot of people used to do it. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I think in the 1960s, dosing people wasn't... | ||
| You know how we were talking about drunk driving? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the early days, drunk driving was no big deal. | ||
| I think they used to think the same way about dosing people. | ||
| Because Bill Cosby used to have a whole bit about Spanish Fly, about giving a girl, slipping a girl a mickey, and she gets all horny and fucked up. | ||
| I mean, you're drugging someone against their will. | ||
| They don't know it. | ||
| I think that was a normal thing. | ||
| It was never a good thing. | ||
| Ethical, moral, reasonable people never did it. | ||
| But I think it was way more common than we would like to believe. | ||
| I think people dosed people. | ||
| I think it was like, remember that scene in Animal House? | ||
| Where the girls passed out, the dudes get the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. | ||
| You know, like, you leave her alone. | ||
| Fuck her brains out, suck her tits. | ||
| Like, you couldn't even do that today. | ||
| You couldn't have that in the movie today, because that's rape. | ||
| But back then, it was like there was at least the possibility that this guy was considering having sex with this passed out woman. | ||
| And then today, the drug thing, like the Cosby thing, drugging someone, is thought of as a heinous crime. | ||
| Like, you drug people and you raped them, it's a heinous crime. | ||
| Well, and it was then. | ||
| But yeah, maybe society looked on it differently. | ||
| Or maybe it was something amongst the boys that you did. | ||
| I don't really know. | ||
| He's always hanging out at the Playboy Mansion. | ||
| It's horrible for everyone involved. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's horrible for the women involved. | ||
| It's horrible for what's happened to his lifelong reputation. | ||
| It's all gone now. | ||
| And it's almost... | ||
| It was like with Michael Jackson. | ||
| There's a generation that only thought of him as a freak. | ||
| And it's like, you guys really don't understand who he was musically through the 70s and 80s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because in the 90s, he just became a freak show. | ||
| When I was a kid, there was a radio station in LA, or in Boston, rather. | ||
| It was called The Rock of Boston. | ||
| I think it was called WCOZ. I think that's what it was. | ||
| And they played Michael Jackson. | ||
| When Michael Jackson came out, I remember the DJ saying, look, I know what you're saying, that this is dance music, but listen, this is just a great song. | ||
| And the guy played, I think it was, I'm trying to remember what song it was. | ||
| Might have been Beat It. | ||
| I don't know what it was, but it was like that, like, Thriller, when Thriller came out, everybody just stepped back and just went, what the fuck? | ||
| This is just genius on a level that no one had been able to reach before. | ||
| Yeah, I did this award thing, and they were giving an award to Quincy Jones, you know, and he produced Thriller. | ||
| And I was joking with him about it. | ||
| I said, you know, Quincy Jones, the brothers didn't know who Eddie Van Halen was. | ||
| What is Eddie Van Halen doing on a Michael Jackson record? | ||
| Only Quincy would think, yeah, let's get the baddest rock guitarist and have him do a solo with Michael Jackson. | ||
| The brothers was like, who? | ||
| He played guitar, you know? | ||
| But that was, yeah. | ||
| But people don't know. | ||
| And the videos. | ||
| Because that was when video just started. | ||
| And he had dance shit. | ||
| When he did that thing in Smooth Criminal where he leaned forward, you're like... | ||
| That's not humanly possible. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| No, he was like no one before him. | ||
| There was no one that you could compare him to. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you could say, you look at Elvis and you go, yeah, Elvis was a really good singer and a good performer, but Elvis kind of borrowed a little bit from the old rhythm and blues guys, and he borrowed a little bit from the way Chuck Berry used to dance, and there was a little bit of this and a little bit of that. | ||
| When Michael Jackson came along, you gotta go, okay... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Compare that to anything. | ||
| And the other thing about Michael Jackson, and I always said that this is the part people don't talk about. | ||
| Like, he was world famous at 10. Like, when you talk about he's fucked up, can you imagine everyone in the world knowing who you were when you're like 10 years old? | ||
| Like, you know, by the time you're 15, adult women pass out. | ||
| Like, can you imagine walking into a room and having people pass out? | ||
| Just because you walked in a room, they're overcome... | ||
| And they literally faint. | ||
| Like, how does that affect you, you know, as a person? | ||
| Well, I think we all have that weird effect when we meet someone who we can't believe we're really meeting them. | ||
| We're just, like, taking it back. | ||
| Like, whoa, we've all been starstruck before. | ||
| We've all had that weird effect. | ||
| Even if it's at a low level, like, you know, you're at a comedy club and Chris Rock shows up. | ||
| Like, whoa, shit, Chris Rock. | ||
| I mean, you could be a professional comic and Louis C.K.'s there. | ||
| You're like, oh, shit, Louis C.K.'s here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When that guy would walk into a room, it was that times a million. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There was nothing like it. | ||
| And no way to prepare for it. | ||
| And he never had a normal life. | ||
| Like, you were talking about your career as an airplane mechanic. | ||
| And, like, you knew regular people. | ||
| You had regular jobs. | ||
| You'd been to jail. | ||
| You know, the whole deal. | ||
| You ran the whole gamut as a grown adult human being. | ||
| This kid... | ||
| Remember when he was in the Jackson 5 and his fucking brothers, his brothers who were all grown ass men, had to sit back and watch their little brother just run shit. | ||
| Because their dad gave birth to this one just super genius. | ||
| Like they had all these kids and everybody was really talented. | ||
| Latoya and Janet and Jermaine, everybody was talented. | ||
| But then there was this little motherfucker, the last one out of the box. | ||
| That just had magic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He had magic. | ||
| And then you're getting back to Cosby, what you were talking about. | ||
| The other thing is, like, how many hundred million dollars did he give to the United Negro College Fund? | ||
| Like, there were kids like, yeah, Bill Cosby paid for my college education. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So it's just such a weird... | ||
| Well, that's often like human beings that are flawed. | ||
| They're not flawed in every way. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're not all bad. | ||
| There's a lot of people that do terrible things, but they're actually really good with other things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| My friend Eddie has an interesting theory about Bill Cosby. | ||
| He said, you know what, at the end of the day, Bill Cosby, even though he was super famous, he probably got turned down. | ||
| He probably got turned down occasionally. | ||
| It probably drove him crazy and didn't like it. | ||
| And so, one of the stories that I was reading, where the girl was talking about her experiences with Bill Cosby, that it started out in this mentor-friendship sort of relationship, and then eventually he drugged her and then fucked her while she was passed out. | ||
| And then, you know, she just felt violated and horrible. | ||
| But it was this mentor thing that he would angle in first. | ||
| And then when he couldn't get the pussy that way, he was like, oh, okay. | ||
| Have a cappuccino. | ||
| You want a cappuccino? | ||
| Here you go. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| And the next thing you know, she's passed out. | ||
| Like, he got tired of working for it and decided to just go back to his bag of tricks. | ||
| Might have been. | ||
| Again, I have no idea because I can't imagine. | ||
| It's also, you know, because it's something I can't imagine doing, so I don't know what the motivation would be. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's so evil. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, this woman was on television talking about it. | ||
| And I think she was a lawyer. | ||
| And she was saying, you know, they were talking about the legal ramifications. | ||
| And apparently one of these women, her accusation is inside of the statute of limitations. | ||
| Yeah, but they're not going to bring him to trial. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| No. | ||
| What do you think is going to happen? | ||
| It's going to cost him a lot of money. | ||
| He's going to pay, you know, whether it be some like... | ||
| I think it's Gloria Allred has the class action lawsuit. | ||
| So whether it's like, okay, we give her a ton of money and she divides it up amongst the women. | ||
| And she goes on a fucking crazy trip and buys a Rolls Royce and fingers herself with a gold dildo. | ||
| Or they come up with something else. | ||
| Like, you know what I thought was... | ||
| Like, weird and it was funny but in a horrible way with Jared. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Where Jared paid like $1.4 million so that 14 victims get $100,000 each and it was like, okay, so 14 kids who he solicited, he offered money for sex. | ||
| The solution is to pay them each $100,000 out of the settlement. | ||
| That shit just... | ||
| It's a horrible thing to laugh at, but it's like, isn't there something wrong with that? | ||
| But that's how it's going to go down. | ||
| Well, there's another parallel that Jared and Bill Cosby are like in that Bill Cosby is undoubtedly a piece of shit. | ||
| At this point in time, anybody that thinks he's not guilty, you've got to be crazy, right? | ||
| So he's a piece of shit. | ||
| But he's also one of the greatest comics of all time. | ||
| You can't take that away from him. | ||
| And Jared from Subway... | ||
| He still lost 100 pounds. | ||
| No matter what you say, that's hard. | ||
| It's hard to lose 100 pounds. | ||
| He might have fucked a few kids, but that guy lost 100 pounds. | ||
| And he did it eating shitty sandwiches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's even more impressive. | ||
| If you're eating Subway sandwiches and still losing 100 pounds, you're fucking putting in some work. | ||
| It's running uphill. | ||
| Jared gets to say, well, I got one thing in common, Cosby. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| That's not. | ||
| No, nothing in common. | ||
| What a fucking freak. | ||
| What a fucking freaky creep. | ||
| And again, nobody knew it when his best friend was like a pedophile. | ||
| How did his best friend come out as a pedophile? | ||
| Is that recent? | ||
| Is that a recent discovery? | ||
| That's how they found him was through his best friend. | ||
| I don't know when they knew it about his best friend, but his best friend ran his charity organization. | ||
| And I don't know if his friend was a registered sex offender or when it came up, but that's what led to Jared. | ||
| First the friend, and then... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| Yeah, now that you're saying that, I remember briefly. | ||
| By the time it was on my radar, he was already arrested. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was already going to jail. | ||
| No, I first heard about it when his friend got arrested. | ||
| And they were like, this guy runs Jared's charity organization and... | ||
| I don't know if he had anything to do with kids, like if it was Little League or whatever, but there was something wrong with this guy being involved in charity and helping children. | ||
| There's no worse, because they're both awful, but somehow it is worse. | ||
| Somehow fucking kids is worse than drugging people and having sex with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, when you do it with kids... | ||
| It's all worse. | ||
| It's all sick, but I think the thing about kids is kids aren't sexual. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, women, like, if you have a sexual attraction to women, that is normal. | ||
| I mean, drugging them and raping them isn't, but they are women. | ||
| But with kids, there's nothing sexual about a kid. | ||
| Well, how old were they? | ||
| Didn't you have sex with some 15-year-olds? | ||
| They were probably pretty sexual. | ||
| They might have been, but I think some, I don't know, well, they only, part of his plea was only one count. | ||
| So he's only, like, in other words, they're only charging him with one, even though there were others involved. | ||
| But even so, you know something, you know what's funny about that? | ||
| Like, you talk about a 15-year-old, and like, we were talking about this the other night, you know, like when the 50-year-old guy, A 15, 16-year-old girl could be hot, but she's still 15 or 16 if you're an adult man. | ||
| If you're over 20, 21, you're still like... | ||
| Yeah, if you're 18 and a girl's 16, that makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're 48... | ||
| Yeah, she's a kid. | ||
| That's a baby. | ||
| She's a kid, and she may have developed, she may have the body... | ||
| She may, you know, walk around half naked. | ||
| Don't be alone with her. | ||
| Get out of the room. | ||
| You can't, yeah. | ||
| You gotta get out of the room. | ||
| It's still a kid. | ||
| It just doesn't, you know... | ||
| It's not the same thing. | ||
| The problem with someone who's developed though, the instincts are horrible. | ||
| Instincts are horrible. | ||
| If you got a girl like that girl I was talking about in Houston that Ian and I met that had this tiny waist, this big juicy ass. | ||
| She was a grown woman, but she was probably built like that when she was 14. I had a buddy, he's a principal now, but he taught high school when he was like 23, 24. So he's the guy that the 16 and 17-year-old girls, they want him. | ||
| And it was like, man, I don't know how you do it. | ||
| I don't know how you do it because these girls are coming at you hard. | ||
| And their bodies are perfect and they're wearing nothing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because they're 16, right? | ||
| So they're wearing... | ||
| And they're just starting to be aware of it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he's a man. | ||
| Like, he's not the 17-year-old boy. | ||
| Like, he's a man, but he's not an old man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, he's not old, creepy guy. | ||
| And they're only a few months away from legally fucking him. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| He was a better man than me. | ||
| I was like, I couldn't... | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| In my early 20s, I have to work at a high school? | ||
| No. | ||
| When I was in high school, there was this kid that was a, not kid, guy. | ||
| He would be a kid now if I was talking about him because he was in his 20s. | ||
| He's a Spanish teacher. | ||
| And he fucked one of my friends. | ||
| She was 15. She was, at the time, I think, actually I think she was 17. But still, you know, he was fucking her. | ||
| She was in high school. | ||
| Yeah, it happens. | ||
| And he was a Spanish teacher and he was fucking her. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| This was pre-internet. | ||
| She couldn't rat him out. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not pre-dad got a gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| It's not pre-dad got a gun because that's some shit that they will not convict you. | ||
| Well, ages of consent are very strange, man. | ||
| And there's all sorts of weird gray areas that come along with ages of consent. | ||
| Like, here's one of the issues that's happening right now with kids and technology is that young people are taking photographs of themselves naked and passing it out to their friends and then getting busted for child pornography. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, there was a girl that, she's 15 years old, and she would send dudes pictures of her pussy. | ||
| And, you know, just, and send it to them in text messages. | ||
| The cops arrested her and charged her with trafficking child pornography to other children. | ||
| Yeah, it's one of those that if they want to bring you down, they can use that charge. | ||
| But they couldn't. | ||
| She wound up getting cleared of it because the judge was like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| How come you're not out there arresting robbers? | ||
| Why are you trying to stop a young girl from showing a picture of her pussy? | ||
| Yeah, it's one of those things, like I said, they can charge them with it. | ||
| They don't always. | ||
| But there's a time, like, if they want to bring you down, they can... | ||
| I think it's one of those things they use as a threat against you. | ||
| But again, it's just... | ||
| You know, I do not want any 15-year-old pussy pictures on my phone. | ||
| I don't, you know, you hear me joke about it, like, they're young, no, I don't, too much trouble, too much drama, energy, whatever, nope, no thanks. | ||
| I got a friend who's a dentist, and he's in his 50s, and he's divorced, and he's talking about dating. | ||
| We were talking about it, and I go, how old are the girls that you date? | ||
| He goes, well, here's the thing. | ||
| He goes, I don't mind a mature lady. | ||
| He goes, I don't mind a lady my age. | ||
| He goes, I'm not a young guy anymore. | ||
| He goes, I'm 58 years old. | ||
| He goes, I'm just looking for some nice company and go to dinner. | ||
| And he goes, but... | ||
| He goes, there's two different things going on. | ||
| He goes, you got the younger ones that are like in their 30s. | ||
| They just want to fuck. | ||
| He goes, they want to fuck, and then they want to get out of there. | ||
| And he goes, then you got the older ones. | ||
| They want to settle down, but they want everything to be their way. | ||
| Because they're all like, they're in their 40s. | ||
| These are grown women. | ||
| They're not malleable. | ||
| And that was interesting. | ||
| He was talking about how, he goes, these women are set their ways. | ||
| Well, I'm that guy. | ||
| I'm the old bachelor. | ||
| How old are you now? | ||
| I'm 53. Damn, you look good. | ||
| Black don't crack. | ||
| Black don't crack. | ||
| It just ends badly one day. | ||
| You look great for 53, though, man. | ||
| You could seriously pose for 35. Easy. | ||
| The girls, in their 20s, it's just too young. | ||
| Like, on occasion, if I get some 20-year-old pussy, it's a gift. | ||
| From the gods? | ||
| Yeah, God was like, alright, I'm gonna give you this. | ||
| Don't get attached to it. | ||
| Just, you know, just enjoy the day. | ||
| No kids? | ||
| No, no kids. | ||
| Wow, how'd you do that? | ||
| So, started comedy late. | ||
| Started comedy at 30. So, in my 30s, when most people have kids and start relationships, I was an open-miker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I did not want the obligation... | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| I have a friend who is married, and he has children, and he's just starting out doing comedy, and he doesn't know what to do. | ||
| And he can't struggle the way we struggled. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He can't go and just do a set for $75, five-hour drive away, and all that shit. | ||
| He can't do all that. | ||
| So that was that. | ||
| But... | ||
| But, you know, dating, like, I started seeing this woman, and she's in her late 40s, and it's fantastic, because she's got a son, but he's, you know, almost like he's in his late teens, so that's not a big hassle. | ||
| And she's a woman. | ||
| She's comfortable with who she is, and everything's cool and stuff. | ||
| But, yeah, and then you get some... | ||
| The worst ones for me, early to mid-30s, when a date is an interview. | ||
| So, when you do find the right girl, how long do you think it would be before you got married? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So, why don't you have kids? | ||
| Are you open to it? | ||
| Do you think about it? | ||
| You know, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| What do you say to that? | ||
| I tell them, like, look, I didn't have the right one at the right time. | ||
| I said, now, I'm open to it. | ||
| It could happen, but I'm not really looking at being an old dad. | ||
| You know, I joke about it. | ||
| Like, if I have a kid now... | ||
| When he's 16, if I say, you can't have the car, and he says, yes I can, there ain't shit I'm gonna be able to do about it. | ||
| I'd be like, son of a bitch took my car! | ||
| Give me 69! | ||
| Son of a bitch took my car! | ||
| Look at Stallone at 69. He's fuckin' yolk still. | ||
| Yeah, some guys do it. | ||
| Stay in the gym, smoke that crack, and fucking hit those weights. | ||
| Some guys do it, and some guys have that. | ||
| I could have it. | ||
| You know, like they say, as a man, you could always have a kid, but do you want to? | ||
| I think now it would be more likely, like, if I met a woman who had a young kid and I took him on as a stepchild or something like that, that would be more likely to happen. | ||
| How crazy is it that you're 53 and Joey's 52? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's living. | ||
| That's living. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucking hard miles, baby. | |
| But you know something, man? | ||
| You know something? | ||
| We'll all be gone and Joey will still be here. | ||
| Probably like cockroaches. | ||
| That's how it happens. | ||
| Isn't it true with comics that comics either die too young or live forever? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them, right? | ||
| You don't hear about a comic dying at 68 years old. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I think laughter is the best medicine, like that idea. | ||
| I think there is something real about the fact that you're making people laugh all the time, you're having a good time, a lot of laughter and fun. | ||
| I mean, we have more laughs on a regular basis than a great percentage of the people. | ||
| Yeah, because our friends are the funniest people in the world. | ||
| Like you and I the other night, Tuesday night, hanging out at the Laugh Factory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were just howling, laughing, just howling. | |
| And then you leave there, your whole body's like, ah, you're energized. | ||
| And you do that all the time. | ||
| And there's nothing terrible. | ||
| I mean, our whole work day was like we both did 20-minute sets. | ||
| Well, this is it. | ||
| Like, people ask me, what are you doing today? | ||
| I'm like, well, I'm doing Joe's podcast. | ||
| Like, this is my job today. | ||
| But I think the other thing is we don't stop doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because my business manager, she's like, well, you know, we got this retirement thing set up and this, and I said, really? | ||
| When have you ever heard of a comic retiring? | ||
| She's like, what do you mean? | ||
| I said, we die. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| We do this, and then we die. | ||
| We might work less. | ||
| Well, you'll find a different niche. | ||
| Like, it may end up doing the old folks' home circuit in Florida, you know, but I'm still going to be doing my 20-minute spots at 7 o'clock. | ||
| Well, look at Carlin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm doing 20 after Jell-O. Didn't Carlin die in a hotel room somewhere? | |
| Yeah, on the road or whatever. | ||
| He's died in his hotel room. | ||
| Well, even, what's his name? | ||
| George Burns. | ||
| He died at 100, but he did his last set at his 100th birthday or something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I remember when Rodney was coming to the Laugh Factory... | ||
| In his last days, Rodney was coming to the Laugh Factory in a bathrobe. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, yeah. | |
| He would just come down the hill from his house in his robe and just go on stage. | ||
| Well, he performed in front of arenas in a bathrobe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was working when I was 19 years old at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts. | ||
| It's like this performing arts center. | ||
| And I was backstage. | ||
| I was one of the security guards. | ||
| And Rodney was backstage, and I watched him walk around with a bathrobe on. | ||
| Well, that's how Rickles was. | ||
| But that's because back in the day... | ||
| You didn't put your pants on because you would mess up the crease. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a Seinfeld episode about that, but it really is true. | ||
| When Rickles was backstage in Montreal, he was in a rope. | ||
| I'm going to start performing in a rope. | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, Joe. | ||
| I don't know if you're a robe guy. | ||
| Slippers, a robe, no underwear. | ||
| Slippers. | ||
| Where do you buy slippers? | ||
| I think you can only get slippers for the month before Christmas. | ||
| I think that's the only time slippers are for sale. | ||
| I guess you get them online. | ||
| That's about it. | ||
| I've never seen a store that sells slippers. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm going online. | ||
| I'm looking for slippers. | ||
| You know, Rodney was partying until the fucking very end, too. | ||
| That was one of the things that people said about Rodney. | ||
| He was doing blow and drinking and having a great time smoking joints. | ||
| Smoked joints for every show to the bitter end. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| You know, because if you're Rodney, you can. | ||
| What's somebody going to tell you? | ||
| Hey, hey, Rodney. | ||
| Slow down. | ||
| We don't want you high before this show. | ||
| Well, Rodney is one of those crazy stories, too, because he took a long time off and was like an aluminum siding salesman. | ||
| Right, he raised his family or something and then went back to comedy. | ||
| In his 40s. | ||
| I think it was like 46 when he went back to comedy. | ||
| And then hit. | ||
| And then did, you know, all those movies and all that crazy shit. | ||
| Yeah, there I am with Rickles in his robe backstage. | ||
| That's a classic picture, man. | ||
| Oh my god, that is classic. | ||
| Look at him with the knee-high socks and his robe. | ||
| Dude, send that to me. | ||
| I want to put that on Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, I will. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But that was, you know, a different generation. | ||
| Different generation and someone's gonna be saying that about us someday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those guys used to work in t-shirts. | |
| What were they thinking? | ||
| Those guys used to... | ||
| There was no internet when they started. | ||
| They had to promote themselves by going to local radio shows. | ||
| People would be like, ew, they had radio back then? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| But that works. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| If it's a good market. | ||
| Yeah, or if it's the morning guy who's been there for 30 years. | ||
| Yeah, if it's a good morning guy. | ||
| And you get on his show. | ||
| Do they still have those? | ||
| There's a guy in Rochester, Weez. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Brother Weez. | ||
| Brother Weez is still around. | ||
| Still kicking it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like in the morning in Rochester, everyone listens to Brother Weez. | ||
| Like you literally go on there and sell out your show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| There's a few of those guys. | ||
| Johnny Dare in Kansas City. | ||
| There's a few of those guys that are still out there. | ||
| There used to be a good one in Phoenix. | ||
| I wonder if there's still... | ||
| There's been a few that still... | ||
| But it's fucking hard, man. | ||
| Yeah, now it's the syndicated guys that have taken over the whole country. | ||
| Yeah, guys like a Bob and Tom that have like a hundred different markets. | ||
| Or Steve Harvey. | ||
| Does he do that? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a big radio show. | ||
| Tom Joyner. | ||
| Steve Harvey's one of those dudes, like, he's got so many jobs. | ||
| He does so many things and he puts out a new book like every year. | ||
| Does he write those books? | ||
| I think he probably wrote the first one. | ||
| I don't know how much he writes. | ||
| I don't know how much more. | ||
| But it's not... | ||
| And the funny thing is it's not like any... | ||
| Genius advice, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, well, if you want to keep a good man, don't be a hoe. | ||
| You know, like, wear your dress a little longer, put away your hoe shoes, you know, stuff like that. | ||
| It's like, oh yeah, I never thought of that. | ||
| Oh, so I shouldn't be a hoe. | ||
| He's an odd character, that Steve Harvey. | ||
| Yeah, I met him once. | ||
| We joked around a little while. | ||
| He was hosting the Apollo, and I did it. | ||
| He was cool, but I don't know him. | ||
| I don't have any relationship with him. | ||
| I had somebody the other day text me, can I get them tickets to Kevin Hart? | ||
| Shit, I couldn't get me tickets to Kevin Hart. | ||
| I did BET with Kevin Hart once in 01. I don't think Kevin's gonna stop shit and say, oh fuck, Alonzo's at the door? | ||
| Well, they think that we know everybody. | ||
| That you know everybody. | ||
| There's so many people in that business. | ||
| But even when you know people, there's certain times when it's a little... | ||
| I think it's a little awkward to hit them up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like Chappelle was doing a bunch of shows in Montreal. | ||
| And I know him. | ||
| I don't know him well, but I know him. | ||
| But I just bought tickets. | ||
| I'm not gonna... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Try to get to him, and then, like, then it gets fucking awkward, you know? | ||
| Because you know a thousand people are hitting him up while you're up there. | ||
| So it's like, you know, I'd rather just go and have a good time. | ||
| Yeah, those are the awkward calls or texts you get from people that you barely know and they want something from you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't feel weird asking me for this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| And it doesn't bother them a bit. | ||
| No, some people are brutal, too. | ||
| They just keep hitting it. | ||
| And it's really funny when you ask me for someone else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, hey, I heard you on Joe Rogan's podcast. | ||
| I want to go to UFC. Really? | ||
| I'm sure they sell tickets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz gets that. | |
| He gets that all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He gets angry at people. | |
| I bet, because you guys are tight. | ||
| He gets angry at people. | ||
| People want to get on this podcast, and they try to go through Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You can't go through Joey. | ||
| Joey gets fucking angry. | ||
| The thing is, the people you would give it to are the ones who will never ask. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The ones you'd be happy to do it for, they're the ones who would never ask you For anything. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that have that distorted misconception that this business is all about finding the right connections, and then those connections, like you have to work those connections, and that's how you get to the business. | ||
| That's how you get famous. | ||
| Although some people do that. | ||
| Yeah, but they're not good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not talent. | ||
| It's salesmanship backstage. | ||
| It's being everyone's friend. | ||
| One thing that does happen, for sure, is that you find someone who's really funny, and then you go, well, who's that dude hanging out with? | ||
| And then you find out, oh, he's got friends. | ||
| I guarantee you their friends are funny, if they're funny. | ||
| If you know Ari Shafir, and you go, well, Ari's funny as shit, who's Ari's friend? | ||
| Ari has some friends from New York that I don't even know, and then he tells me about him, and I'm like, I want to meet that dude. | ||
| I want to have that guy. | ||
| Because they wouldn't be hanging with him if they weren't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If he tells you they're funny, they're funny. | ||
| You know, there's definitely that. | ||
| There's that sort of connection. | ||
| That definitely helps. | ||
| But you've got to be talented. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if you're not, we all have those few friends that we were friends with back from, you know, 15-whatever years ago, and they're not really that good, but you're still kind of friends with them. | ||
| They're like, hey, man, why don't you take me on the road with you? | ||
| Hey, man, how come you never work on your fucking act? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, man, how come you're not really a comedian? | ||
| You know the people I admire? | ||
| The people who weren't funny who got funny. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Because, I mean, I think I was pretty funny from the start, but I know some people who just weren't. | ||
| Because you kept doing it. | ||
| Hammering at it. | ||
| Yeah, when nobody believed in you, when nobody thought you were... | ||
| And maybe you weren't funny. | ||
| Maybe you were just bombing, but you knew there was something... | ||
| There and you kept doing it, like I admire that. | ||
| I think that's a lot harder than being funny and just going out and being funny. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| I don't want to name any names, but I know a few guys that are like that. | ||
| They just incrementally got better. | ||
| And then, you know, just kept chipping away, kept chipping away. | ||
| And then once they started developing real confidence, then it started taking off for them. | ||
| Then they started getting some momentum. | ||
| It's hard to figure out, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why, you know, like you were saying, like meeting comedians, you know, like Kevin James and I taking you for a tour of Montreal. | ||
| It's like, yeah, I'm in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because it doesn't seem like you should... | ||
| In the beginning, it just doesn't seem like it's going to work. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's like, it's so... | ||
| It's all of it. | ||
| It's so slippery. | ||
| And they're so big. | ||
| Like, I remember when I started out, when I was opening for Tommy Davidson. | ||
| Like, I spent a summer opening for Tommy. | ||
| And I was like, man... | ||
| When they say his name, there's more applause than my best joke. | ||
| Like, just saying his name, he got a bigger applause, break them. | ||
| But I always felt, like, it's funny because sometimes you meet people or you have somebody opening for you. | ||
| I don't know if you get this because you probably bring yours, but you're like, how long have you been doing this? | ||
| Oh, 12 years? | ||
| And you're hosting? | ||
| Do you have any ambition? | ||
| Even back then, my thing was like, yeah, I want his job. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Any headliner I opened for, I wanted to be them. | ||
| I never thought, I guess I want to open for you for the next nine years. | ||
| No, fuck, I want your job. | ||
| But there's a lot of guys that are local guys in Nashville or whatever that just host when comics are in town. | ||
| You've got to get out of those cities. | ||
| Yeah, and some do it for fun, which I get. | ||
| But if you have real ambition in the business... | ||
| I tell openers, you know what your job is? | ||
| Be funnier than the middle. | ||
| You need to blow that middle off stage. | ||
| That's what you have to do. | ||
| If you want his job, you've got to show you can do it. | ||
| If you've got to announce drinks, you better come up with a funny way to announce drinks. | ||
| That's part of your job. | ||
| Yeah, that's why it's tricky working with people on the road, too. | ||
| Do you ever work with guys that try to steal your shit and step on it? | ||
| They twist it around a little bit to fuck with your premises? | ||
| I've heard guys, not so much that, a little bit of that, but I've heard them doing something from somebody I know who had been there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So they're doing it, and they're like, that sounds familiar. | ||
| And then you're like, wait a minute, he was here last month. | ||
| But, you know, when they do that, they're not going to get out of that circle. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, say they're a middle act in the South, and they're stealing material from headliners touring the country. | ||
| You're going to stay a middle act in the South. | ||
| Because once you leave, people know who did that. | ||
| They know who wrote that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's a different world now. | ||
| Are you doing a podcast at all? | ||
| You ever thought about it? | ||
| Yeah, I do a podcast. | ||
| It's... | ||
| And it's very interesting. | ||
| I love my podcast. | ||
| It's called Who's Paying Attention? | ||
| And I do kind of a weekly news wrap-up thing. | ||
| But it's just me talking about shit I read in the news. | ||
| To see you by yourself like Bill Burr does in Monday morning podcasts? | ||
| Some of it is... | ||
| Some of it is... | ||
| The more insightful stuff that I can't do in the comedy world, so I'll give my real opinion on it. | ||
| Then other stuff is just me joking about some crazy shit in the news or making fun of some stuff in the news. | ||
| But on occasion I have guests, like I did the LA Podcast Festival and I had guests and people like it, so I guess I need to take it to the next level. | ||
| What is that like? | ||
| What is the podcast festival like? | ||
| I've heard of it. | ||
| I've never been. | ||
| It was actually pretty cool. | ||
| It's just doing a lot of podcasts. | ||
| Like you would do your podcast in a room with a big audience. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's just it. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| They have different ballrooms set up, you know, different sizes, I guess, from like 50 seats to maybe a few hundred seats. | ||
| I don't know what the biggest ones were. | ||
| But yeah, and you just do your podcast live for an audience there. | ||
| And they do them one after another. | ||
| So the audience, I guess they buy a ticket and say they might listen to your podcast and then walk out of yours and go listen to Todd Glass for a while and come listen to me or whatever. | ||
| You know, it's like a, excuse me. | ||
| Just that. | ||
| A weekend of podcasts all in one place. | ||
| Did you do it this year? | ||
| Yeah, I did it. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| I was surprised. | ||
| It was last month. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was surprised because they had asked me to do it before. | ||
| And I don't think a lot about my podcast. | ||
| Like, I'm always flattered when people listen or when I get to, like, when's the next podcast? | ||
| Because I do it about every week, but I don't have a set day to do it. | ||
| And I'm like, you're listening? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, that's the name of it. | ||
| Is anybody paying attention? | ||
| I'm very flattered that you were listening on a regular basis. | ||
| But yeah, I like doing it. | ||
| I like it because I get to just give my opinion on shit, you know. | ||
| How long you been doing it? | ||
| Episode 120, so it's been about two years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Those things build, man. | ||
| Now you're going to get a lot more people listening to it. | ||
| People listening to this. | ||
| Yeah, this is fantastic. | ||
| I mean, this is great because you're one of the big ones and you got a huge following and this and that, but it's also because you and me, and we talk about it, we don't get to hang that often. | ||
| No. | ||
| We've known each other a long time. | ||
| We cross paths here and there, but it's just, this was, that's why this was always something I wanted to do and fun, just because I like you. | ||
| I have a text on my phone, the last text that I had with you was a year ago, before the recent one, where we ran into each other at the Laugh Factory, and the last one, we were planning on doing a podcast, but we just never fucking pulled it off. | ||
| And that's how it is, because we're both traveling, doing our thing, and this and that. | ||
| I mean, that's the other thing about being friends with comics. | ||
| When you reach the headliner level, you don't see each other anymore. | ||
| Yeah, unless you work together. | ||
| Yeah, you work together or there's like a festival or a show or something like that. | ||
| Or the store or the laugh factory or the improv. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I take guys on the road with me, too. | ||
| You know, I never use like a local guy. | ||
| I always take people on the road with me because I want to work with... | ||
| First of all, I want to work with really funny guys. | ||
| And then I also don't want to be alone. | ||
| I want to work with friends. | ||
| I take people when I can, but a lot of times they're like, the places don't want to give up a room or they don't. | ||
| They're like, we got a local guy that we pay 50 bucks a show. | ||
| So if your guy will come in and do 50 bucks, you know, whatever. | ||
| I always paid. | ||
| I paid for the hotel room. | ||
| I paid extra money for the guys. | ||
| Well, you make more money than me, Joe. | ||
| I don't know if you're aware of this. | ||
| But even when I didn't, I was like, I did it too many times by myself. | ||
| And it was a crapshoot. | ||
| Sometimes you'd work on the road and the guys would be fun. | ||
| You'd work with a great middle act and you'd make a new friend. | ||
| But that was half the time. | ||
| And the other half the time, you'd work with idiots. | ||
| And you'd hate yourself. | ||
| And then you'd have to plug your ears while they were on stage because they were so terrible, you hated the audience by the time you got up there. | ||
| I hate the places that have their local favorite And they put him on your show and either he's like some filthy guy or it's just not funny. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like he's fooling that one audience at that club every week and he thinks he's great. | ||
| But you're like, ugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I've experienced that. | |
| Or the other thing I hate is when the green room is the hangout for the local comedy. | ||
| Oh, that's the worst. | ||
| And I've always thought that's why you have a road manager. | ||
| Because you have somebody to say, alright... | ||
| Everybody out you know that the worst is when they start Bullshit with you like you're about to go on stage Yeah, you're going over your notes and they want to fuck around and hang out Yeah, they're talking to the waitress and complaining they're drinking and you're like what what is this? | ||
| Yeah, but you're not even working here I remember, like, this was back when I was opening for Tommy. | ||
| We were somewhere and his security guy wouldn't let me in the green room. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I was like, you know, and I fucked with Tommy about it because I knew Tommy. | ||
| And I don't think Tommy knew, but I was like, yeah, I'm kind of... | ||
| On the show, friend of his, not just a fan, but the guy wouldn't let me in. | ||
| That was the Unliving Color days? | ||
| Hilarious, yeah. | ||
| He was huge back then. | ||
| What is he up to these days? | ||
| He's touring, he's doing his thing, working live. | ||
| He did a tour... | ||
| With Tony Rock and some more. | ||
| Tony Rock is fucking hilarious. | ||
| That dude is funny. | ||
| Yeah, Tony's funny. | ||
| So they were on tour. | ||
| They did a tour together. | ||
| But yeah, Tommy's still around. | ||
| Still in the game. | ||
| Tony Rock is one of those guys where he might have actually been held back by the fact that his brother's Chris Rock. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| You know... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's funny, like, I see more similarity in them now than when I first met Tony, but not intentional similarity, just in similarity in the sense that they're brothers. | ||
| But, um... | ||
| Because he never talked about it, but you know he's Chris's brother. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So it wasn't the same as like the weigh-ins where you know their family and they work together and they do projects and stuff like that. | ||
| I don't know if Tony's ever been on the same stage as Chris. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's kind of crazy. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe he has. | ||
| I'm not saying he hasn't. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he never... | ||
| He never pushed that he's Chris Rock's brother, but you know he's Chris Rock's brother. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying that he's so good that people almost don't take him seriously because he's the brother of one of the greatest comics of all time. | ||
| He doesn't get the props that he deserves. | ||
| Right, but he's not riding his brother in any way. | ||
| It's like the opposite of nepotism. | ||
| He almost suffers from it in some sort of way. | ||
| So he's not Jim Belushi. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Charlie Murphy jokes around about being Eddie Murphy's brother. | ||
| People are just yelling, Charlie Murphy! | ||
| They yell at him, and he goes, does that ever get tired? | ||
| And he goes, no. | ||
| He goes, as long as they're not saying, there's Eddie Murphy's brother. | ||
| Because for years, I was just Eddie Murphy's brother. | ||
| He goes, I'm happy when people yell out Charlie Murphy. | ||
| They know my fucking name. | ||
| Yeah, I guess, I mean, that's the price you pay when there's fame or talent like that in the family. | ||
| And just such immense fame and talent, too. | ||
| I mean, in those two situations, Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock, two of the funniest, most famous guys of all time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you, you know... | ||
| And they have brothers that do stand-up, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a grind. | ||
| Well, that was... | ||
| I just watched Chris Farley documentary. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And his brothers on stage doing stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And it's like... | ||
| I mean, he's talking about how funny Chris was and stuff, but it's like, yeah, there was only one of those in the family. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's probably not going to be another one. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, he was definitely not doing enough coke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got to do more coke if you want to be like Chris. | ||
| You got to be amped up. | ||
| But apparently, he was like that all his life. | ||
| From when he was a little kid. | ||
| I met him backstage at the set of news radio. | ||
| He was friends at Andy Dick. | ||
| And this is, you know, Andy Dick was a hard partier. | ||
| Hard, hard partier. | ||
| He's all sober now, but he was a hard partier. | ||
| Chris Rock, or Chris Rock, Chris Farley was there with two very hot-looking young girls who looked like they'd been up for days. | ||
| They were very attractive, but just looked fucked up. | ||
| And he was gray. | ||
| And when I mean gray, I mean like wet cardboard gray. | ||
| He looked like he could die at any second now. | ||
| He was sweaty and gray and pale, and his eyes, there was like deep bags under his eyes. | ||
| And he was just on some kind of crazy bender. | ||
| And he was there with these two girls. | ||
| And I had always heard that he was this wild partier. | ||
| It wasn't long after that that he died either, but I remember seeing him there like, whoa, they weren't fucking around. | ||
| Like, this guy's really doing it. | ||
| But that's what I was talking about. | ||
| That's when it's not fun. | ||
| You're beyond, like, it's not a party. | ||
| It's beyond, and... | ||
| What kills guys like that is you have the unlimited money to do that. | ||
| And you basically have permission to do it as long as you can make another movie or another show or another record or whatever. | ||
| I read Clapton's book, which was actually really good. | ||
| And in the beginning of the book, he says, you know, with the amount of drugs and alcohol I did in my life, I should have been dead. | ||
| And then about two-thirds of the way through the book is when he sobers up and you're like, holy shit, how is he not dead? | ||
| Like when you read about how much he did and the quantities and just that you're like, this guy's not human. | ||
| Like, yeah, you should have been dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was he doing? | |
| Everything. | ||
| And large amounts of pills and cocaine. | ||
| And he talks about he did one show for like 23,000 people in a total blackout, didn't know he was there. | ||
| And, you know, yeah, just tons of pills and alcohol. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| How was the show? | ||
| Imagine it was pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you want to hang out, you got to take her out. | |
| Yeah, that was the life, though. | ||
| That was what those guys were embracing. | ||
| There wasn't a generation before... | ||
| I mean, there was the jazz musicians before them. | ||
| There was some of the older blues guys that fucked around with drugs and did heroin and stuff like that. | ||
| But for the most part, those hard-partying rock stars from the 60s and 70s, there was no one before them. | ||
| Yeah, 60s and 70s was like... | ||
| And there were new drugs. | ||
| Acid was new. | ||
| Cocaine was, I guess, relatively new on the consumer level. | ||
| Was it really? | ||
| Yeah, I think cocaine had been around, but there weren't a lot of people who did cocaine before the 70s. | ||
| Well, they would just get it from Coca-Cola. | ||
| If you wanted to get fucked up, just get a Coca-Cola. | ||
| Yeah, back in the early days, it was in Coca-Cola. | ||
| Did you watch that show, Narcos? | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| I keep hearing about it, man. | ||
| I keep hearing it's amazing. | ||
| I'm in the middle of it now. | ||
| It's pretty good, but they said that was one of Pablo's things. | ||
| Pablo Escobar was like, I'm going to put Coke back into Coca-Cola. | ||
| Calls Coca-Cola. | ||
| Well, you know, Coca-Cola still uses cocaine for flavoring. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They still use coca leaves. | ||
| They're like one of the biggest producers of medical cocaine. | ||
| The same company that takes the coca leaves, they extract the cocaine out of it, use whatever flavor that makes... | ||
| That's why Coca-Cola tastes better than Pepsi. | ||
| I had medical cocaine. | ||
| I had liquid cocaine. | ||
| I cut my retina, like playing ball. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And it is pain like you would not, you know, it's as painful as it sounds. | ||
| And apparently that's what the treatment is. | ||
| Like he gave me this eye drop and the pain went away instantly. | ||
| I'm like, what was that? | ||
| He said, cocaine. | ||
| Like, can I? And he said, no, we don't prescribe it. | ||
| You got to come in and we put the drop in your eye. | ||
| You know how you go to the doctor when you're hurt and you want it to stop hurting right away? | ||
| It did. | ||
| It was one of those rare times where you go to the doctor like, yep, that stopped the pain instantly. | ||
| Thank you, doc. | ||
| But that's what they use it. | ||
| I'm sure it has other uses, but yeah. | ||
| When I had my nose fixed, they put lidocaine in there, which is like the gay cousin of cocaine. | ||
| It's like cocaine's less talented brother. | ||
| And it tastes horrible. | ||
| It tastes fucked, but it numbs everything up. | ||
| But all it does is numb everything up. | ||
| You don't get sick, but you do get this weird, jittery feeling. | ||
| Like, I went out that night. | ||
| I went to dinner, and I tried to eat. | ||
| I couldn't eat. | ||
| It was like my appetite was all fucked up. | ||
| And I realized, like, oh, I guess this is like the effects of that lidocaine shit. | ||
| Because they've been squirting up my nose and cleaning everything out. | ||
| You know, it's weird with drugs what people like. | ||
| I went through a surgery and they gave me that morphine drip. | ||
| Ooh, yeah, I got one of those ones. | ||
| And some people love it and I was like, it would put me to sleep, but I had no desire to feel like that. | ||
| Whereas if you're a heroin addict, you want to feel like that all the time. | ||
| Maybe I could be a heroin addict then, because I fucking loved it, man. | ||
| I had my ACL reconstructed. | ||
| You'd go more that way, I think, because you're naturally a high-energy, active person, so your high would probably be a slow down, whereas I'm naturally slow, laid back, so my high was more up. | ||
| I think that's why I took the pot so well. | ||
| This pot, like, gave me a chance to slow down and look at things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I always felt like most of my life was always like, go! | ||
| Just fucking go! | ||
| Just go! | ||
| And then get away! | ||
| Get out of your own way! | ||
| Because, like, the momentum of all the shit I had done before was always, like, knocking out my door and I'm like, keep moving! | ||
| No time for introspective thinking. | ||
| No time for objectivity. | ||
| Just fucking run! | ||
| And if you get success, good. | ||
| That success justifies all this behavior and motion. | ||
| So keep going! | ||
| And pot was the first thing that made me go... | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| Why am I doing this? | ||
| What is the purpose of all this? | ||
| What is my path? | ||
| What makes me happy? | ||
| What do I want to do? | ||
| What makes me unhappy? | ||
| How do I stop doing that? | ||
| It made me think about things in a way. | ||
| When I had my ACL reconstructed, the first one. | ||
| The second one, they didn't do shit. | ||
| The second one was so easy. | ||
| I had two, and I tell everybody, if you have a chance, then they offer you... | ||
| There's two different types of... | ||
| There's three different types they use. | ||
| They sometimes use hamstring, which is really rough. | ||
| And a lot of rehab. | ||
| They cut a chunk of your hamstring. | ||
| It takes a long time for that to come back. | ||
| And some people, they don't feel like it ever is 100%. | ||
| And they put that and they use that as a tendon. | ||
| But I had the patella tendon graft. | ||
| They take a piece of bone out of your shin. | ||
| And a piece of bone out of your kneecap, and then they slice the patella tendon, and it's connected with these two pieces of bone. | ||
| And the patella tendon is a very thick, wide tendon. | ||
| They use that as a replacement for your ACL. I had that done on my left knee, and that's the one that did the morphine drip. | ||
| The right knee, they used a cadaver. | ||
| They use an Achilles tendon, so it's much thicker than an ACL, and it's like 150% stronger. | ||
| And they use that. | ||
| They screw that in place. | ||
| I went to a party five days later. | ||
| I was walking around without crutches. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| It was so much better. | ||
| But the first one, the patella tendon was like fire was going through my veins. | ||
| It was like I would get up off the couch and I didn't like take pain pills. | ||
| I hated the way those made me feel. | ||
| I don't remember what it was, Percocets or Vicodins. | ||
| I don't remember which one it was, but I remember I sold them to this dude at the pool hall because I was like, these are fucking bullshit. | ||
| I'd rather be in pain than be that stupid. | ||
| But the morphine trip at the hospital was like having your balls cradled by angels. | ||
| It was just like you were being hugged by God. | ||
| It was like the world was just giving you this big warm hug. | ||
| Everything was going to be fine. | ||
| I was on this machine. | ||
| They constantly straightened my leg and bent it. | ||
| It was like this constant motion machine because they're trying to keep your leg from going stiff after they, you know, fucking chisel into it and start putting screws in and all that. | ||
| So this machine's going... | ||
| And I'm going, click, click, click. | ||
| And I'm just melting into this fucking bed. | ||
| And the last time I had that feeling... | ||
| Was in the early, maybe the late 90s, I guess it was. | ||
| Must have been the late 90s because I remember I lived out here. | ||
| And I got a hold of some of the real NyQuil before they took that shit off the market. | ||
| Oh yeah, the alcohol. | ||
| With the codeine in it. | ||
| Oh my god, it was magical. | ||
| NyQuil was like 25 proof with codeine or something. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| Yeah, you just forgot you had a cold. | ||
| I knew a comic used to drink that shit. | ||
| There's a lot of people who used to drink it. | ||
| He used to get bottles of it. | ||
| The people that worked at the comedy club at Rascals in New Jersey. | ||
| Yeah, I remember Rascals. | ||
| They'd have to bring bottles of fucking NyQuil. | ||
| And they would always just talk about it. | ||
| Yeah, he fucking wants bottles of NyQuil. | ||
| He just drinks NyQuil. | ||
| Goes into his hotel room and drinks NyQuil. | ||
| My knees have no cartilage. | ||
| That's just beat up. | ||
| So when they hurt, my doctor's like, yeah, we're going to replace them. | ||
| We're just waiting. | ||
| Don't, don't, don't. | ||
| Listen, if that's all it is, is just cartilage, you got to get stem cells. | ||
| Stem cell shots, oh my God, dude. | ||
| It's the greatest thing of all time. | ||
| They actually regenerate tissue. | ||
| They can regenerate meniscus, regenerate cartilage in bone-on-bone situations. | ||
| I'll hook you up with his doctor. | ||
| I'll get you connected to him. | ||
| It's just over the last couple years they're doing these things. | ||
| They're having miraculous results with stem cells. | ||
| Someone online complained to me on Twitter. | ||
| They're like, yeah, a lot of people can't afford stem cells. | ||
| What, do you want me to not talk about it? | ||
| Should I not talk about how awesome it is because people can't afford it? | ||
| I mean, that's the way our medicine is. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's annoying to you that you can't afford it. | ||
| But I'm not going to not talk. | ||
| I had it in my shoulder. | ||
| I had a stem cell shot in my shoulder. | ||
| I was probably a couple months away from surgery. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Just trying to figure out when I could schedule it, because it was so annoying. | ||
| Every time I'd work out, I'd be in pain for a few days, and then I would do it again, and ice it, and all this different shit. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going to have to fucking bite the bullet and get this thing fixed. | ||
| One stem cell shot. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Within two weeks, it feels 100% better. | ||
| Within a month, it felt better than it felt in a year. | ||
| And now, it's like, I mean, occasionally it's sore. | ||
| Like yesterday, I lifted, and I lifted this morning. | ||
| I mean, it's kind of a little sore, but nothing to complain about. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| It's funny when you were talking about how they take part of the shin bone and the other bone. | ||
| When doctors do shit like that, I'm like, how smart are you? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, wow, you can actually do that. | ||
| I had shattered my wrist and I got to know the doctor who fixed it. | ||
| Motorcycle crash? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I knew it. | ||
| On a racetrack. | ||
| Not ordinary circumstance, but... | ||
| I was talking to the doctor, you know, and we've become friends over time. | ||
| I fuck with him about it. | ||
| He fucks with me. | ||
| Like, when he did the surgery and he said, yeah, do it again, I'm like, well, you couldn't get shit right the first time? | ||
| And he's like, well, if you hadn't fucked it up so bad, you know, it's like that kind of... | ||
| But sometimes I just look at him like... | ||
| How smart are you? | ||
| You just put bodies back together. | ||
| That shit is amazing. | ||
| I tell fucking dick jokes. | ||
| You go inside a human body and repair it. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's certainly a different kind of smart. | ||
| How about that Ben Carson guy, that guy that runs for president? | ||
| That guy was a neurosurgeon that he fixed conjoined twins at the head. | ||
| And yet, you listen to him talk. | ||
| Now, you talk about a disconnect. | ||
| Honestly, it's not like Herman Cain, because obviously I make fun of all these guys, and the black Republican is always going to be hilarious because it's like everyone else knows. | ||
| Nobody told you. | ||
| But to be that smart, and yet when you listen to some of his political stuff, you're like... | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| And you're not just a neurosurgeon. | ||
| You worked your way up from nowhere. | ||
| It wasn't like you were born into a silver spoon in your mouth or whatever. | ||
| So, yeah, I don't understand Ben Carson at all. | ||
| Well, it's hard when he starts talking about religion, when he starts talking about the Big Bang and evolution is a myth and the Big Bang is bullshit. | ||
| He doesn't believe in evolution. | ||
| He might think the Earth is 10,000 years old. | ||
| He might be one of those guys. | ||
| He's got some really wacky ideas, but when it comes to fixing a brain, he knows what the fuck to do. | ||
| Yeah, but that's what I mean. | ||
| How do you put those two together? | ||
| In the course of learning to fix a brain, Didn't they teach you any other science? | ||
| Wasn't there any other science classes you went to? | ||
| He doesn't buy it. | ||
| Not buying it. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Maybe it's like the hubris that you have to have to be so confident that you could fix conjoined twins. | ||
| Because apparently conjoined twins at the head is like one of the most dangerous operations. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| It took more than 20 hours. | ||
| They brought in surgeons from all over the world to assist him. | ||
| But he figured out a way to... | ||
| They shared one artery, like a major artery between their two brains. | ||
| And he figured out a way to channel it and to make it work. | ||
| So that's two votes he's going to get. | ||
| He's ahead of Trump now! | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what's really crazy in the most recent polls. | ||
| He's ahead of Trump. | ||
| That's because this is the reality show portion. | ||
| And then next year they get to the real election. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Next year is when the real candidates come forth. | ||
| Do you think that's why Trump is so gung-ho already? | ||
| He knows it's bullshit? | ||
| Trump's going to sell books and get a TV show. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| This is all publicity for Trump. | ||
| My theory is that Around December or January, Trump comes up with a way to back out. | ||
| Like, I don't want to work with these politicians. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He comes up with something like that. | ||
| Like when Stern was running for governor? | ||
| Yeah, and he backs out of it. | ||
| And then he rides the wave of the publicity. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| Or President Trump. | ||
| What if he fucking wins? | ||
| What if he gets in there? | ||
| I mean, would that be the biggest... | ||
| I just can't see it happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| Because, for one thing, he knows nothing about policy or how government works or, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But how hard is that to learn? | ||
| Oh, it's very hard. | ||
| On that level, even Barack Obama, who went in... | ||
| Knowing it, I think his first two years in office was in education. | ||
| Because I think when you really find out how hard it is to make this work and to get these people to work together and to get anything done, you know what I mean? | ||
| I think he learned a lot about... | ||
| Like, how to try to make politics work, how to get anything done. | ||
| And Trump is more like Schwarzenegger. | ||
| When Schwarzenegger thought he was gonna go in and call the legislature girly men and be the Terminator, and they were like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Like, he got slapped, you know? | ||
| And it would be the same thing with Trump. | ||
| They'd be, what do you mean you're fired? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up! | |
| Shut up. | ||
| I think the difference being that Trump would probably make a big deal out of explaining where all these bottlenecks are. | ||
| He would probably make a big deal about explaining it to the public, doing press conferences and not playing ball because he's so fucking rich. | ||
| But that's no secret, though. | ||
| Everyone knows that. | ||
| We all know about the party of no. | ||
| And to get in... | ||
| With all the backdoor deals and stuff like that, you gotta have some serious backing. | ||
| He has a lot of money, but he doesn't have Koch Brothers money. | ||
| Or what's that guy who owns the casinos in Vegas? | ||
| I don't even know his name. | ||
| He owns a Venetian and stuff. | ||
| I don't want to say his name. | ||
| Sounds like Candyman. | ||
| You don't want to say it. | ||
| That's too much money. | ||
| Yeah, or on the Democrat side, they have some people. | ||
| I mean, you got Spielberg and Geffen and all of them. | ||
| Trump has money. | ||
| He doesn't have their money, nor does he have their influence. | ||
| He doesn't have their... | ||
| Influence when it comes to the media and when it comes to everything else involved. | ||
| You know what's annoying to me? | ||
| How many women that want to vote for Hillary just because she's a woman? | ||
| I'm like, do you know how much shady shit is going on with her? | ||
| Like, I've had these conversations. | ||
| Like, I'll vote for her. | ||
| I want a woman in office. | ||
| I'm like, but do you know how shady she is? | ||
| Do you know that when she was a criminal lawyer, she was a defense lawyer, she got some guy off for raping a kid? | ||
| There was like some video or a recording of her joke. | ||
| Joking around about it from like the 1980s or whatever the fuck it was when this happened. | ||
| If you're going to be a politician, you're bad. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But even before she was a politician, the Whitewater deal with her and her husband. | ||
| But even then she was in it because Bill's been in it from the beginning. | ||
| The thing I like about Hillary is she knows how the game's played. | ||
| She has experience and she's very smart. | ||
| So I give her that. | ||
| I don't think she's perfect. | ||
| I think she's the best of them. | ||
| Of the ones running, I think she's the best. | ||
| She scares me. | ||
| And the thing about Bernie Sanders, although I like a lot of what he says, it's not going to get done. | ||
| What about the taxes? | ||
| He talks crazy about taxes. | ||
| He wants to tax the fucking shit out of rich people. | ||
| He wants to do what some other countries do, where the government provides a lot more services, but it's paid for by a lot more taxes. | ||
| So now you're going to have to somehow get that rich 1% that ain't paying to suddenly be willing to pay. | ||
| And to make college-free Sounds good, but now you're talking about change. | ||
| See, when you start talking about changing an entire system, when you talk about cutting money out of defense to pay for things, yeah, it sounds great, but the problem is this has been this military, industrial, defense complex business. | ||
| How many military bases do we have where it's just welfare for the town? | ||
| They don't need the base, but the base is there because the base employs everyone in the town. | ||
| And if you shut down the base, the town goes broke. | ||
| I mean, that's true all across America. | ||
| And the congressmen from that town will fight to the death. | ||
| Like, there's a naval base in West Virginia. | ||
| That's not in the ocean. | ||
| There's no ocean! | ||
| But they had this congressman, I forget his name, but he was like, that was his thing. | ||
| He was that guy. | ||
| And he's like, I'm getting these jobs and this money to my district. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So when you get a Bernie Sanders, when you get someone who's talking about, I'm going to change the whole system. | ||
| And I think this was the thing with Barack. | ||
| When Barack Obama ran initially, And it was about hope and change and a bunch of young people, college age, got on board and they wanted everything to change. | ||
| And it was great. | ||
| And I think he really meant it. | ||
| And then he got there and it was like, oh, this ain't gonna get done. | ||
| Because when he got there and he had the Democratic Congress, like if there was any chance of him doing it, it was when he had the president and the Congress from the same party. | ||
| And even then Congress was like, well, no, we ain't changing that shit. | ||
| You know, we're not gonna mess with that. | ||
| It's like they say, moving the United States is like turning an aircraft carrier. | ||
| It turns, but it takes a long time. | ||
| That's the one thing I really love about Bernie Sanders, the idea of free college. | ||
| I think the idea that these kids come out of college and they owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans and they're fucked, it drives me crazy. | ||
| It makes so much sense that you're almost baffled why we don't do it. | ||
| There's one state, and I want to say it was Iowa, I want to say it was Iowa, and I only know about this because a friend of mine, her kid was in school at the time, and she was divorced, and her husband lived there. | ||
| But they had this deal. | ||
| They said the first 10 cents of every tax dollar goes to the schools, and you can't mess with that. | ||
| You can't change it. | ||
| And what they noticed, they didn't plan it, but about seven, eight years later, their jail population started dropping. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you know why? | ||
| Because if kids go to school, they don't go to jail. | ||
| And you look at the cost of putting a guy in jail for one year versus putting him in college for a year. | ||
| It just makes so much more sense. | ||
| Not to mention the fact that how is an educated populace bad other than the fact you can't control it? | ||
| That's the only negative to educating people. | ||
| You can't control them. | ||
| Well that and if you do have an educated populace that's in debt, they're gonna have to work. | ||
| They're gonna have to work and they're gonna have to keep their fucking mouth shut and stay inside the boundaries of the system. | ||
| But I'm talking about if you do away with the debt so that more people can go to college. | ||
| Like, in other words, the more people that go to college, the better a country we are. | ||
| And yet they literally fight against it. | ||
| And it's always funny when you see people... | ||
| Fight against their best interest. | ||
| Well, I don't think it is their best interest because they make money off of the fact that college education in this country is subsidized. | ||
| One of the reasons why it's so expensive is because the government is involved. | ||
| The government is involved in all these loans and there's money in that. | ||
| Whenever you have a tremendous amount of money that's being generated by anything, whether it's college or law enforcement or the drug war, it becomes an industry. | ||
| Well, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like you were talking about the military, like shutting down those bases. | ||
| The same thing would happen if you figured out a way to pay for colleges through tax dollars. | ||
| There would be, without a doubt, some people would lose their jobs. | ||
| People would lose their gigs. | ||
| But what I mean is that is the overall, in other words, the overall health of the nation. | ||
| Like if everyone's smarter, we're better off. | ||
| Yeah, the one thing, look, if you want to make the nation strong, make less losers. | ||
| It's real simple. | ||
| I mean, that's the number one argument for cleaning up all these impoverished areas in our country. | ||
| Look at Baltimore. | ||
| I had this guy, Michael Wood, on this podcast that was a former cop in Baltimore, and when they were there, when he was working there, they found some papers from the 1970s that showed all the crime areas and all the tactics they were using, and he's like, we're fucking doing the same shit they were doing in the 1970s. | ||
| We're spinning our wheels. | ||
| If you want to fix that area, concentrating resources on that area and figuring out a way to solve this poverty cycle that just keeps going on and crime cycle that just keeps going on, you will have less losers. | ||
| You will have less people that you have to prosecute. | ||
| You're talking about education. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Because education and opportunity don't exist. | ||
| I mean, that is the one thing about the cycle of poverty that I think a lot of people can't understand. | ||
| It's like, you know, well, just get a job. | ||
| Like, well, no, you don't have that, you know. | ||
| And when you go to school and your books are eight years old, you know, like when you say, like, this generation grew up with the Internet... | ||
| But a lot of kids don't. | ||
| That's where the separation is, where did you have an iPad when you were in school, or did you have an eight-year-old textbook? | ||
| And then you get to the college level, now you're supposed to compete with the kid who had the iPad. | ||
| The whole system... | ||
| Yeah, and it's one of those things that it just makes sense to do something. | ||
| It's like guns. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| We have to admit that, okay, we got to do something. | ||
| Like, that's the first thing. | ||
| Before we do anything, let's just admit we have to do something because whatever we're doing isn't working. | ||
| And then once we realize we have to do something, then figure out what to do. | ||
| But instead, we're always us versus them. | ||
| So it's like... | ||
| Either no guns at all or just carry your AK to a grocery store. | ||
| I'm sure there's somewhere in between those two that works. | ||
| And we have become a nation that has become so divided. | ||
| On every issue. | ||
| And sometimes when it's no reason to be divided other than the other side, set it. | ||
| And it just keeps anything from getting done. | ||
| I don't know what this country's going to be in 50 years, you know? | ||
| It's going to be very different. | ||
| Because all these complications that we have right now, all the problems that we have right now, they're going to be accelerated. | ||
| They're going to be accelerated when the growth of the population, when more and more people around There's going to be more and more problems, and then there's going to be all these technological issues. | ||
| There's going to be cybercrime. | ||
| It's going to be really difficult to keep money in your bank account. | ||
| People are just going to be stealing money from bank accounts left and right. | ||
| You're going to have virtual reality. | ||
| You're going to have people escaping reality in all sorts of ways that they're not really doing yet, and that's going to be just as addictive as crack. | ||
| There's going to be people that are just dropping out of society and living in the headset. | ||
| You're going to put on those virtual reality goggles. | ||
| You know, or people are going to figure out how to use it and how to make society work, you know, better or educate people more or allow for communication. | ||
| You know, I mean, when you talk about these kids who grew up with the Internet, another thing they're growing up is they're growing up globally. | ||
| So they have friends in Europe and shit like that. | ||
| They communicate with people from other countries all the time. | ||
| And you learn so much. | ||
| Like, there's so much more culturally savvy because of that. | ||
| So it's one of those things. | ||
| It's like we can become... | ||
| Much better or much worse. | ||
| And I don't really know. | ||
| Sometimes I think, well, we're going to be better. | ||
| Then some shit happens and you're like, wow, we can't be trusted with anything. | ||
| You know, so I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what's going to happen. | ||
| And, you know, and that's where you have like when you have Trump. | ||
| Honestly, when you have this viable presidential candidate saying, well, we're going to build a wall between here and Mexico because Mexico is full of rapists, and then put my name on it, you're like, okay, no. | ||
| That's no. | ||
| That's like some Lenin and Stalin type shit, putting his name on it. | ||
| Yeah, and yet you have a percentage of the population... | ||
| Who honestly believes that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, we still have, what, 40% of the Republicans in the South or whatever that still believe Barack Obama's a Muslim undercover. | ||
| He's not? | ||
| Sorry, Joe. | ||
| I didn't mean to ruin that. | ||
| I didn't mean to ruin that for you. | ||
| We're out of time, dude. | ||
| We ran out of time. | ||
| Man. | ||
| We hit the three-hour mark. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| This was amazing. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| We'll do it again. | ||
| Let's do it again, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're in town all the time, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Anytime. | ||
| Alonzo Bowden, amazing gentleman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alonzo Bowden on Twitter, website. | |
| AlonzoBowden.com. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| How do we remember that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| B-O-D-D-E-N. B-O-D-D-E-N. Thank you, brother. | ||
| And your podcast is Who's Paying Attention? | ||
| It's on iTunes, all that jazz. | ||
| Glorious. | ||
| We did it, man. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| All right. | ||
| See you guys soon. |
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