Brad Williams joins Joe Rogan to dissect the absurdity of online outrage, from Twitter’s fixation on "midget" vs. "bossy" to cancel culture targeting directors like Bryan Singer over X-Men: Apocalypse. They debate transgender athletes’ biological advantages and Williams’ limb-lengthening surgeries, framing both as extremes fueled by societal pressures. Rogan mocks viral joke trends (e.g., Kanye’s Taylor Swift moment) and media sensationalism, comparing it to Scientology’s controversies—financial control, psychiatry suppression, and forced labor—while Williams notes even religions like Mormonism have dark sides. The episode ends with Rogan teasing Williams’ fear of rollercoasters, contrasting online vitriol with real-life comedy struggles. [Automatically generated summary]
Yeah, I love watching hockey on TV. That's my favorite sport to watch on TV. And hockey is notoriously awful on TV, and people hate it on TV. I love it, because I played for five years when I was a kid, so I recognize that they're setting up plays, I recognize strategies and stuff like that.
So when I'm trying to explain to people, they're just like, this is stupid, they're not scoring, I can't follow the puck.
And I'm trying to tell them the ins and outs of it.
Well, the amazing part is that I was a huge fan of the XFL. If people remember the XFL, that was Vince McMahon's thing.
And then a lot of the stuff that they did is now being implemented into the NFL. Like what kind of stuff?
Like, the overhead camera that is, like, on strings and that follows the game from the top, that was XFL. That was XFL before, trying to make, I mean, they tried to make kickoffs more exciting until, like, all the concussion stuff came out.
But yeah, like, there's a few things, and certainly making it more...
Vince at least recognized that it would be more fun if there was, like, complex storylines and, like, you...
You knew the soap opera of it, much like he did for wrestling.
So now you see the NFL, and it's the world's greatest reality show.
They follow the guys off the field, and they get into their lives, and now it's what the XFL was.
They're trying to build up rivalries, and you know what players actually don't like each other, and who slept with whose wife, and things like that.
You know, the problem with getting into the NFL's life, like getting into the player's life, is like you're trying to pretend that these guys are not these savage gladiators who are just smashing people every day.
Without him, like, did you see the video of him pleading to the people of Baltimore going, violence is not the answer!
That's my whole life, dude.
He's so intense, he's like, yeah, okay, so if violence isn't the answer, move out of your mansion, because that's what built that mansion, was violence.
When you see these fighters, or these football players, and you see them doing ridiculous shit, and people get all surprised, you can't ask them to be anything other than what they really are.
And if you want that result, you want that Ray Rice result, you're going to get a Ray Rice.
Well, you can't all of a sudden, in 2015, start putting cameras on these guys and following them around and expecting them to have exemplary behavior.
What they're good at is when the fucking play starts, they're good at getting shit done.
And the way you do that is through violence, explosive athleticism, smashing into things, fucking diving through mounds of Enormous, steroided up dudes.
Yeah, and then with so much testosterone boiling over, and then when Richard Sherman gives an interview last year or two years ago, when he's like, why do they think Crabtree can be put on me?
Crabtree's a punk!
Then they start getting mad at him.
Like, how dare you talk to Aaron Andrews like that?
A petite white woman, and you're just getting angry.
Why are you so angry?
Because he just played football for an hour.
That's why he's angry, and that's why he's good at what he does.
And then just, like, come off like he's an Oscar Wilde player, like, well, as we were on the field of battle, might I tell you, it was quite an interesting route, that one.
And that's literally the most testosterone probably that can run through your body in a three-minute period of just, like, getting revved up.
And then Joe Rogan comes in and puts a microphone in.
Explain what happened out there, and then they expect these guys to get a complex thing.
People wonder why athletes, they get mad that they always have those textbook answers, like one game at a time, I was just doing a play at a time, we're gonna go back and we're gonna examine.
They have those scripted answers so they don't have to think about giving those answers because they can't in those moments.
Our normal is talking in front of a bunch of strangers and being funny on a moment's notice, whether it be in an interview or a radio show or a podcast, whatever, just, hey, flip the switch, go.
Like, when they have an actor give a speech at an award show, and it's like something crazy happens and they have to be spontaneous, it's like, no, they're actors.
One of the best interviews ever was Mickey Rourke when he won some like Golden Globe or one of those fucking, whatever the name of the, I think all awards are stupid.
Eric Roberts is probably the best actor I ever worked with, and I don't know why, in the last 15 years, ain't nobody giving him a chance to show his shit again, because whatever he did 15, 20 years ago should be forgiven, and I wish there was...
I told people in the past, directors like Darren Aronofsky come around every 25 years the same way like Chimino, Coppola, Parker, Adrian Lyne, all the rest of them.
And I said 25 years, and he whispered in my ear, 30. Uh...
And the only thing I want to say to any young actor or any actor that gets an opportunity to work with Darren, you better be in shape because he will break you down.
He is one tough son of a bitch and he don't like it when I say that because he goes, Mickey, you'll scare all the other actors away from me.
But Darren, you know what?
If they ain't got the balls to bring it, then fuck them, you know?
I mean that's what do you think like that's what this business does to people that as they age like rather be Renee Zellweger or Mickey Rourke or now there's some pictures out there I think of I think it's Uma Thurman where it's like I Uma Thurman's gotten plastic surgery?
I think they did some plastic surgery.
I think she did some plastic surgery to her and it's just something where you're built up as like sort of either a sex symbol or whatever for so long and then it just goes it starts to fade away and then does that fuck with your head?
I mean, someone described beauty as a short-lived tyranny.
Wow.
And I think beauty is, like, a really hard one because some women, they go from being unbelievably desirable and then through no fault of their own, just father time...
Yeah, there's also a story about a dude, he's a makeup artist, I think he's a black guy, and he showed that with makeup he could look like Kim Kardashian.
And he put makeup on his face, and at the end of it, you're like, yeah, that, let me, granted, it looks like a Madame Tussaud's, like, wax museum Kim Kardashian, but that's, you look like that.
Like, you created that, and then his face without it is not like that at all, obviously.
It's that old debate, would you rather have all the looks and then slowly lose them, or would you rather be like Jason Alexander that looks the exact same as he did 30 years ago?
First of all, you get a scar in the back of your head, so I have like a permanent smile on the back of my head, and then second of all, if the rest of your hair falls out, the way I described it is like taking healthy people and moving them into a neighborhood where everyone's dying, the other hair falls out.
It's like...
They haven't figured it out yet.
It's like lips.
Like, when girls get their lips done, you don't want to be an early adopter of that.
You don't want someone fucking with your face permanently.
It's also like, a girl like Uma Thurman, I mean, how much shopping around does she do for a plastic surgeon, if she even got plastic surgery, or the other one, Renee Zellweger?
Like, you know, because, hey, some people are born and they've got like the natural, like Bo Jackson, where they say like just natural athlete, like God-given talent, Herschel Walker, just did push-ups and sit-ups his entire damn life.
So you have slight differences in how the gene changes.
So there are literally some dwarves out there, some little people that it's only like one of three people in the entire world that have that specific type of dwarfism.
What's beautiful about what he does and his character in that show is he utilizes it to his advantage and he lets people underestimate him because of it.
Yeah, that's why I said at the very beginning, like, if you told me six years ago that I'd be sitting with you, I'd be like, no way in hell, because there was a time, and I talked about this with Red Band on my podcast when he came on, there was a time I hated you guys.
I absolutely hated you, and I had never met you guys before.
But, you know, it was like teams, you know what I mean?
It was like, this guy's trying to take out my boss and my friend.
Yeah, and when I started doing comedy, that started happening a lot.
I was a fan of people, and then, you know, once you get past a certain level, and that level is pretty much just open-miker, once you get past that level, you meet everyone.
If you're in New York or LA, you run into everybody.
So now I'm friends with Dave Attell, which is...
Weird, because I love Dave Attell.
He's so damn funny.
And then I started talking to him, and now I get an email from him every now and then.
Even the most brilliant people on earth are just people.
And one of the things that I've found is the most successful people, the most interesting people, people that I truly enjoy talking to, they don't expect anything different.
And as soon as someone does expect something different, then they stop being cool.
Well, that's also the cool thing about podcasts is that podcasts, these long-form conversations with no interruptions, they give you insight to a person.
You're like...
There's a lot of people listening to this right now that feel like they're sitting in here talking to us.
Yeah, it's not that radio thing where it's like, alright, you have a four-minute break, and so you're like peppering, you're pretty much doing your act because you're just trying to get as many jokes in as possible so people come see you in wherever comedy club you're playing.
It's like, no, this is an actual conversation where you actually can dive into how people tick and what people's thoughts are.
And then you have to sort of build up this conversation.
I think it's also one of the reasons why I like doing these really long form conversations, because I always found when I'm talking to people, when we're alone, I'm having a really cool conversation with someone.
It takes a while to sort of get cooking.
And then when it gets cooking, everybody sort of relaxes and settles in.
Then you really kind of understand who that person is.
Now, Red Band told me something when he was on the podcast, when he was on my podcast, called about last night, what's up?
Plug.
That I wanted to ask you about, because he said there was a meeting at some point, or you brought something up during the whole feud, war thing, call it whatever you will, where you said, let's steal Mencia's midget.
We might have joked around about it because it was during the same sort of time period, but we did a sketch Stanhope did on The Man Show, where he went at, oh, look at the devil.
There was a sketch for the Man Show where Doug Stanhope was trying to steal the Man Show midget from those guys, from the Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel show.
As I get older, I'm like, if you weren't alive, you would never expect life, right?
Because you wouldn't have any expectations, you wouldn't be alive.
Now that you are alive, you wouldn't expect what happens after life.
We're just guessing that it's nothing.
And I'm not saying that it's a bunch of dudes in the clouds with a harp, but it's very possible that whatever the fuck consciousness is, is not...
Native only to this space.
It's not restricted only to this existence.
It's very possible that whatever you have, whatever's going on when you dream, whatever's going on when you take mushrooms, whatever's going on when you die, they might be very similar things.
Your consciousness might be some sort of energy that moves on to some new plane of existence that might be way cooler than this monkey body.
If the theory holds true that there's an infinite number of universes, who knows that you just don't hop to another universe and say, alright, there's your shot again.
DMT trips are way more intense than a dream because you're flooding your brain with this chemical that's native to your brain.
The idea being that when you're sleeping there's times when you're in heavy REM sleep or you're not conscious where you do visit these same realms But I've never remembered it before not like like last night like last night I was in there man It was really really really intense and very strange,
but it was Essentially it was this this dream was in some way Telling me that this that that what we're doing here right now that don't get all crazy about this Don't get crazy about this life Don't get too fixated on it because it's really just one piece of some sort of infinite mandala of existence and Just like that was the the entire DMT trip in my dream was it was real Relax
it was like somehow or another Coaxing or coaching rather me to to relax and to understand that like all the stress and all the Weird shit that people have in their brain like the more you can like settle that in the more you can ah The more you can exist in in like a real peaceful state where where this is like your real self You're just constantly being inundated with all these different ideas
and stresses and different things that you're trying to accomplish and different things that you're concentrating on, worrying about, concerned about, that you anticipate in the future.
There was one time, it was my birthday in Vegas, and I was severely dehydrated, and on top of that, I took way too much of a pot cookie and passed out at the Rio, like, next to a slot machine.
Like, just collapsed.
Like, it was like a marionetter just dropped the puppet strings.
The weirdest thing is that, like, first of all, it's Vegas, so people walk by, they see a midget passed out in the Rio, they're like, oh, that's a new exhibit.
Like that's why those CrossFitter people, they get that rhabdomyelosis.
I think that's how you say it.
Rhabdo is when your kidneys start failing because your kidneys can't process.
Yeah, your muscles are breaking down and your kidneys can't process all the toxins and all the fluid.
Yeah, it's very dangerous and it was really rare up until this CrossFit Sort of craze, but now when people go to the hospital, and they find that they're having kidney failure, and they have this rhabdomyelosis, or however the fuck you say it, and they always ask them, are you doing CrossFit?
Because CrossFit, they're trying to get people to do, like, you know, 50 fucking clean impresses in a row, and they'll have competitions with each other.
You're pushing your body way past, like, a workout limit.
You're pushing your pot to the point of, like, real failure.
You talk to a guy who's done CrossFit for 10 years and doesn't have some significant fucking injuries, like significant back injuries, significant muscle tears, or something along those lines.
My good friend is Steve Maxwell, who's this really world-renowned strength and conditioning coach, and he's worked with a lot of high-level MMA fighters.
He was one of the first Americans to get his black belt in jiu-jitsu, and he's just this great guy and knows so much about martial arts and knows so much about strength and conditioning and health, and he fucking hates it.
He thinks that what CrossFit is, he says, you're doing a competition to lift weights.
And there's other people that have a similar criticism, and their take on it is that when you see these big compound movements, like Olympic cleans and presses, like these are full body movements, those are supposed to be done with low repetition.
Once.
A few times, maybe, you know, maybe a couple, but you're not supposed to engage those muscles like that, like over and over and over again to the point of failure, because you're taking some big fucking risks.
Well, yeah, you've seen all the YouTube videos of people like dropping the weight on their necks or like some people lose their bowels while they're doing the weight lifting.
It's just one of those things where a lot of people are doing it, and there are benefits to it.
There's benefits to any kind of exercise.
You're raising your heart rate up, you're getting your body to work, your body's gonna break down and recover, it's gonna get stronger because of that process.
There's a lot of benefits to it.
It's just...
I'm very skeptical when I know so many people that do it, and they're all fucked up.
Like, Eddie Ift is all fucked up.
His back's a wreck.
And he used to totally be, oh, I love CrossFit, I love CrossFit.
If at all, I have a friend, a friend of his ran an ultramarathon, and she had kidney failure that was so bad, you could take your finger and push it into her arm, and it would stay, like the dent would stay, and then it would slowly come back up like she was made out of, remember Stretch Armstrong?
It's less focused on just plain looks and attention and all the bullshit that comes with this town.
Yeah, that you characterize for Hollywood.
I mean, we're kind of out of that loop because we're comics and, you know, we hang around at the store and it's just like, we're barely in that loop, you know, but goddamn, every now and then I dip my toe into it.
Like, I'll go to a restaurant and I'll see paparazzi in front and people that are like, it's just all that horse shit.
Yeah, the most annoying part about the whole LA scene for me is talking to someone, and while I'm trying to make eye contact, they're looking around for the next person to talk to.
Yeah, and then they're going to go talk, like, okay, I'm talking to you now, because you've done a few things in your life, but the next person that walks in...
Somebody got this one guy who's like a famous social justice warrior.
He's such a twat.
And he was typing in all this shit and putting all these tweets about X-Men, Ultra about it being violent, all these different things like, do you know what the fuck you went to see?
Not only are you not creating, you're not contributing, you are just fucking bitching all the time.
What a miserable cunt you have to be.
We live in an amazing time.
You can get video on your phone, you go outside, you hear birds chirp, you meet people, you hug them.
And all you're doing is complaining about a fucking cartoon movie.
A cartoonish comic book movie as if somehow or another this is the degradation of the moral fiber of our culture and the degrading of women and dehumanizing.
I love that advice not for the fact that nobody cares in terms of no one loves you or anything like that, but a lot of these people get in their own heads and it's very narcissistic where it's like, oh, this person tweeted this so this offends me.
Or how does this affect me?
Or this person didn't book me on this show so he is mad at me.
Or there's 22 million comics in LA and he didn't book you on the show that week.
Like, I've got a comic friend of mine, and she told me, she's like, I don't know, I'm really stressing over the fact that some people said something about my Twitter avatar picture, and I think it's holding me back in this business.
Well, there's just so many fucking, you know, there's so many people out there that have ideas of like what you need to do as a comic or an actor, like what you need to do.
And it's because they're trying to figure out themselves.
A part of it, they're trying to like justify their own choices with you, you know, or, you know, I just I feel like this is holding you back, or I feel like this is holding me back, and they're trying to figure it out.
It's just you take a risk that you're going to run into cunts.
And if you only run into...
My opinion on the amount of people that suck is it's a very small amount.
But if they're a vocally active, very small amount...
If you look at some of these people, like we were talking about the Social Justice Warrior guys, that guy had fucking 15 tweets about X-Men.
And I'm not bullshitting.
Fifteen tweets about how horrible it was and sexist and ableist and all this different stupid fucking shit.
If you are one person and you have all these comments on the horrible nature of this one particular thing, it's like this guy runs into that and he's fucking tired of it.
There's, I mean, it's strange because all these social media platforms, like you say, they're unbelievable in terms of the fact that you can communicate with anyone.
You could get, because before, you didn't know how to get an access to someone that you were a fan of or that you watched on TV. You wouldn't know how to do it.
You've got to go through a publicist.
You've got to write a fan club.
You didn't know what to do.
Now you can instantly say something to anyone and they have a good possibility of seeing it.
That part is unbelievable.
But then you have so much else that comes with it where now because people have that voice, now they feel like people need to hear their voice constantly in whatever topic that might be.
So when they're complaining about something or calling something sexist or calling something homophobic or whatever they're doing, sometimes they're complaining, but oftentimes what they're doing is they're trying to show you that they know that something's bad, which makes them of a high moral fiber.
They're trying to show you that they're a very moral person with really strong, intelligent opinions, and that these assholes, these Neanderthals that are ruining the world, they're below them.
They're saying that they use the word bossy to describe women, the women that are powerful or women that are strong and in charge, that they're bossy and that you're demeaning them and trying to marginalize them in some sort of way.
And, you know, women are like, get the fuck out of here.
Ban bossy.
When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a leader.
Yet when a girl does it, she's risked being branded bossy.
Words like bossy send a message.
Don't raise your hand or speak up.
By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys.
Listen, man, there's a lot of that that's social, there's a lot of that that's learned behavior, and there's a lot of that that's biological.
And that's a fact.
And that's why it exists in almost every culture.
There's very few matriarchal cultures.
Very few cultures that are run by women.
And that doesn't mean that women are less than men.
That just means that you've got to stop trying to make everybody even.
Because we're not even when it comes to child rearing.
We're not even when it comes to breastfeeding.
We're not even when it comes to nurturing.
We're not even when it comes to emotional intelligence.
If you say, like, I think there was a story recently about a woman firefighter that got hired just because, like, they needed a woman firefighter.
And it's like, you're going down a slope where it's like, if I'm stuck in a burning building...
Like, hey, if she can run up there, granted I don't weigh a lot, but if she can come up there and throw me over her shoulder and get me out of there just as fast, fantastic.
Awesome.
I want her there then.
But if you're just trying to fill a quota, if you're like, well, HBO Sports...
Just did something where it was like, there's not enough blacks in baseball.
Like, there's not enough black people in baseball.
We need to get more black people in baseball.
It's like, well, if the Dominicans can throw faster and hit harder, that's who I want in baseball.
It was like a love story because there was a guy and a girl and he was struggling trying to get it together and the fucking girl and him fall in love and the Indian guys helped him.
So this man lived as a man, played sports as a man, lived to be 50, got a sex change, which I'm fully in support of.
Yeah.
That's what I want to say.
This is super important.
I'm not in any way saying that someone shouldn't be able to do that, but what I am saying is when it comes to athletic competition, you got a 50 year old man playing fucking college basketball against 18 year old girls.
If that's your daughter, And your daughter, she can't perform to the best of her abilities because it's unfair.
Because you have this giant fucking man, who's now a woman, who's 50, who's had full testosterone for 47 fucking years, or whatever the hell it is, before she became a man, or became a woman.
That's crazy!
That's where sensitivity and progressiveness goes too far.
If they could do it, like, say if they could do it and it was a one-time thing, it took a year, like, I had ACL reconstruction, that took like six months, and someone said, oh man, I wouldn't even get the surgery.
I'm like, but I go through the six months and then my knee works again.
Like, if someone could do that, if they could give you a surgery, and you would be in pain for like a year, but after that year, you would be, you know...
But to answer your question, yeah, I would probably do that.
I'd probably, because there's health things that I'm going to go through that I'm already going through that your average-sized people don't have to go through.
Surgery on my legs because my legs were bowed and so I had to have surgery on them to like straighten them up because they were unhealthily bowed like I looked like I was a fucking croquet wicket and then I have back problems now like granted everyone has back problems it seems like but I've like because my spine I've got not scoliosis, but what is it called like?
I had what's called a domosteotomy, where they carve a dome shape into my bone, and then they just move the bone.
They just kind of...
You know, and then they just straighten it up and I had to be in a wheelchair for about like eight months But yeah, when did you have that done junior high?
So right when you're trying to get cool I was in a wheelchair.
Yeah, and and I've been lucky like like the fact that I've only had essentially one major dwarf related surgery That's pretty rare for a 31 year old little person like there's a lot of us that have more surgeries than that and So, in that way, yeah, I would absolutely do the magical surgery that made me not.
Jamie, see if you can find that piece that they did on people in China that got that limb lengthening surgery, because it was really disturbing.
This poor guy, he wanted his face blurred out, but he was just talking about how he was hoping that he could get a woman, that someday a woman would talk to him.
And that's the thing that trips me out too, is like, these are advertised people that are just like five, three, or whatever, that are getting the surgery.
When dwarves do it, we still have the disproportionate body.
So you can still tell, it's like, oh, that, like, you don't suddenly become like a normal looking person.
Like, you look like a dwarf that was stretched out in a fucking taffy machine.
Like, it's not like everything now fits and looks as it should.
On the left, but then, like, look at how the thighs on the right, like, when she's had the limb lengthening, your ass and thighs are still those dwarf ass and thighs, which are fucking huge.
They're massive, so that just, it looks like she has a weird thyroid problem now.
That's what you had to This is accomplished with a series of three controversial bone lengthening procedures using technology developed in Southern California with such procedures.
Patients' bones in the arms and legs are surgically broken and increasingly separated over a period of months.
The body generates new bone to fill the gap, thus making the bones longer.
I mean, I, like, I understand the things that drive these people to do it because, and, like, for me, no matter what I do in this business, if I become a famous actor doing movies or whatever, stand-up specials, whatever, I'm still gonna walk down the street and kids are still gonna see me and go, Mommy, what's that?
Mommy, what's wrong with him?
Like, what's up?
And so that never, that never stops if you're a dwarf.
Never.
And so I kind of get what drives people to do it.
They're just so depressed and so, like, because they think that's going to stop and now their lives are just going to be perfect, but...
Yeah, it's like, sometimes people come up to me after shows, and they're like, wow, Brad, what you said on stage, I really was touched and moved by it, because I go through a lot of that, because I'm 5'4", and I'm a guy, and I'm like, do you realize what I would do to be 5'4"?
What horrible things I would do behind a dumpster to be 5'4"?
Five foot four.
And you're out there like, oh man, I'm starting to accept myself as five foot four because of you.
Surgery, and I made a good career with the hand that I was dealt, but there's a lot of little people I know that haven't, that don't, and then get constantly made fun of their entire lives or hidden away by their parents.
Why would you want your kid to go through that?
And as a dwarf, you know what struggles that you had growing up.
Why would you intentionally put those pains on your child?
Like, one reason that I'm able to be a comedian and sort of have this sense of humor about it is because my dad was amazing.
Is amazing.
Like, When I was born, he found out that I was going to be a dwarf, so he would go to these LPA, Little People of America meetings, and he would find out about it, and he was like, oh shit, my kid's going to get made fun of a lot.
His life is going to be weird.
So his philosophy was, when I was growing up, he would make fun of me first, but he would do it in a supportive way.
He would fuck with me, but then say, okay, I just insulted you.
Hit me back with something.
Hit me back because this is going to happen to you later.
I tell this story in my special, which, hey, I'll plug it now.
My one-hour comedy special, Brad Williams Fun Size, comes out on Showtime, May 8th.
So watch it, record it, and Showtime's going to replay the shit out of it.
So you'll have plenty of chances to see it.
Anyway, but what happened was, is this guy came up with this kid and was like, you see, son?
He's working undercover for Santa.
He's out here finding out who's naughty and nice, and he's going to go back and tell...
And, like, I knew in that moment where if I get pissed off, now this kid, who doesn't know anything about dwarfism, his first interaction is going to be with someone angry.
And that's going to be what he thinks all dwarves are.
That's going to be his first interaction.
So I can't get pissed off.
I can't get angry.
Because that's...
I'm setting the precedent.
So what I did was, I looked at the kid and went, you're absolutely right.
I am...
I am working undercover.
I'm going around seeing who's naughty and nice, but guess what?
You've been really good.
What do you want more than anything in the world?
And the kid's like, I want an Xbox.
And I looked right at the dad and went, guess what?
You're getting an Xbox.
And the dad's like, I don't know about this.
I'm like, what else do you want?
And the dad's like waving like, no, no, no, no, no.
He's like, I really want a bike.
I'm like, you're getting a bike too!
Look at that!
You're getting one!
And I told the kid, I'm like, the only way that you don't get these things is if your parents failed to file the proper paperwork.
So then he looks at Dad, like, did you file the proper paperwork, Dad?
I wasn't dressed in the outfit, like, alright, if I come to the mall and I've got pointy shoes on and pointy ears, I can't get pissed when you say, tell them what you want for Christmas.
I'm wondering if it's because have we gotten to a point where Because I doubt that in third world countries they're having a debate of should we say bossy?
Like, do you think those people who are trying to get food, who don't have clean water, who don't have vaccinations are like, okay, I know all this shit's going on, but we've got to stop saying the word bossy.
Like, we've got to focus on that.
I think it's a lack of problems, and the human being is a dramatic animal, so we create this.
We create these problems out of nowhere just so we feel like we're struggling against something.
You have to show someone, you have to look people in the eye.
If you're standing outside of an abortion clinic, or you're picketing in front of a warehouse that's non-union, you gotta make fucking contact with people.
All you have to do when you want online is just find other cunts, and you gravitate through forums or Twitter groups, and you just cunt it up together.
I'll walk out of there going, well, I didn't like that movie.
If I go eat at a restaurant that's shitty, I'm just gonna say, well, I'm not going back to that restaurant.
I'm not gonna go online and start this campaign of, everyone must think like me, everyone must not go to this restaurant, everyone's gotta not see this movie.
Fuck you if you like Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. Hey, if you like Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, more power to ya.
It does not affect me.
You enjoying that movie does not have any repercussions on my life.
At all.
So I don't care.
Like whatever movie you want to watch.
You like.
Enjoy whatever comic.
In terms of the feud that you had with Ned, some people are like, you have to be either a Joe Rogan fan or a Carlos Mencia fan.
Whenever I accomplish anything halfway decent in my career, and this is absolutely true, I go into my car, I play Katy Perry's Firework, I roll down the window, and I lip sync the shit out of that song.
Isn't it funny, though, when people actually do do that?
They don't like people for their choices, like, oh, you fucking listen to that?
Like, there was a guy that had a fucking bit about that way back in Boston.
Oh, it was Barry Crimmins.
Barry Crimmins, a hilarious comedian who, um, Bobcat Goldthwait has a documentary that he did about him, because apparently Barry was, like, molested when he was younger.
He's got a documentary called Call Me Lucky, or They Call Me Lucky.
It's supposed to be like really dark and really good.
He was one of the, like, the main guard of, like, the established comedians in Boston, like, the established headliners, like, really, really respected guy, very original, political, very political, just very, just very wise guy, had some really good things to say.
He's really good to follow on Twitter, too.
His Twitter is filled with very good points, and also he'll tweet some great articles and stuff and different things.
But Bobcat also started out in Boston, so Bob, he did this documentary on Barry.
And I don't think it comes out for a couple months, but I think right now they're touring and doing the festival thing and trying to get it up there.
I mean, he did the whole, he had the bullhorn, you know, he does like some of his songs, he sings some of it, like to change the sound of his voice, he sings into a bullhorn.
It was a sold-out improv, and I was just like, wow, this is...
I mean, you know, the drug of stand-up, of being on stage and saying something, and then having a whole room of strangers just laugh.
And that, and for me, I've always used laughter as kind of a defense mechanism, because when I meet people, I try to immediately make a dwarf joke, just so they're comfortable.
Just so they go like, oh, okay, he's cool with it.
Because then if I don't talk about it, then people are like on pins and needles because they don't know if they're going to offend me or if they're going to like say something that's going to set me off.
So if I make that quick joke, then they're like, oh...
Oh, okay.
You're fine.
I don't have to worry about it.
So yeah, as soon as I went on stage the first time, I went home and I just started writing like crazy and just started writing all the stories that I've told at parties for years, just of experiences and things like that, and just started watching a ton of comedy.
Someone showed me the Jerry Seinfeld documentary, Comedian, and I was like, I was in, man.
I know he put Orny, like, Orny, like, they focused on, like, look, they come to you and they say, look, you're going to be in a documentary about comedy with Jerry Seinfeld.
They're like, fuck yeah, I'm in.
You're a struggling comic.
And they narrow in on this.
Neurotic guy who's a mess, and he's freaking out, and he's got no experience being on camera, and you just fucking shove this camera in his face.
And in contrast, it makes Jerry Seinfeld look very likable.
Sure, because he's polished, and he's done this for years, and now he's trying to do the new act.
But then at the same time, and as comics, we know this now, yeah, Jerry Seinfeld was trying to write new material, but...
And when he's going on stage like he's done this a thousand times so that scene where he's essentially trying to think of a word or bombing as some people would say he's very comfortable in that scenario because he knows what to do and he's very analytical because he's done it a million times it's not Orny to where when he goes on he's you know he's neurotic and he's learning all this stuff yeah because yeah I saw that movie I thought I I thought I knew Orny Adams and then I actually met the guy I'm like oh You're fucking cool.
That was the documentary that everybody always quotes because that's the one where Mencia admits to stealing material and he does that interview where he's talking about, you know, yeah, I steal, of course I steal.
Yeah, kind of, because it's like, yeah, he's my friend, you know, and we're still friends, and so we still text every now and then.
Hell, some of your fans will probably, like, when that thing was at its peak, there was a moment where some of your fans will probably hate me for this, but he called me up and was like, I'm quitting.
I'm not doing this anymore.
I'm not doing stand-up anymore.
I'm out.
This is too much.
I can't.
And I was on the phone with him for like three hours and talked him back into doing it.
And the sad part is, because I was with him on the road, I would see things happen during the day, and then him go on stage that night, do 20 minutes on what happened during the day, and have it be brilliant stuff.
I'll be the first one to say he's a great comic when he's being a comedian.
And when they don't have something to say, they'll take somebody else's shit.
And that's the reality of it.
It's a lack of artistic integrity.
That's the reality.
It doesn't mean you're not talented.
It's like we were talking about before.
There's grays.
There's not everybody's good, or everybody's bad, or everybody on this side is good, everybody on that side is bad.
It's not that.
Some people are really talented, but...
They're all they also have questionable ethics and that's that's reality and because what is most important to them is Adulation and love it's filling up that hole whatever that hole that was created We all have a hole every comic has a hole that was created by their childhood some more than others you know some some in a different way than others everybody's everybody's varies and some people That the need to kill is way more important than the need to be original and the need to be creative.
And when they don't have anything to say, when they can't find something, they'll just steal.
And once they steal, they steal all the time.
And once that becomes what they do...
And they do it to their friends.
They do it to people they don't know.
They do it to open micers.
They sit in the back room and they write things down.
And he's not the only one that's ever done this.
He was the only one that was ever called out for it and got busted for it publicly.
Because I remember when Bruce Jenner got into that car accident and the woman died, one of the first tweets I saw was Neil Brennan saying, great, now every comic's going to say that Bruce Jenner's really becoming a woman because he can't drive.
And that was his tweet.
And then, sure enough, within minutes, you saw comedians tweet that joke.
It just filled up the line because that's the most obvious punchline there.
It's just, negligence like that is just so infuriating, and to have it, you know, from a person that's in the public eye, people get really angry about it, but in this case, it seems to be, like, fading.
Like, no one really seems to give a shit about it, other than the people that directly knew, and they're like, there's people that are trying to sue, but they're the step Step-daughters, and apparently they didn't even have a relationship with the woman, and they're suing.
If there's anybody that deserves, like, money from, like, a lawsuit, it's not the people suing Manny Pacquiao for five million bucks because he had a hurt shoulder.
It's the people who, well, hey, Bruce Jenner killed my mom.
Yeah, that's why I like the the speech in the TV show the newsroom.
It was near the beginning of the first season.
Jeff Daniels plays the news broadcaster and he talks about what the news was designed to be and how there were people that when the news was first conceived they they said no ads, no sponsors, government funded or I mean then you go to a whole nother part where they can't talk about government government funded or I mean then you go to a whole But, yeah, it's like, no sponsors to where they have to get ratings.
Just, this is the news.
It's going to be put on by taxpayer money, you pay a little extra, you get the news.
So now it's not people with the news tickers at the bottom trying to sensationalize everything.
What did Hillary Clinton really mean when she said, ba-ba-ba, Republicans and Democrats and they're fighting and, like, so the newscasters don't have that to go to.
And I thought that was a great little monologue that made me kind of think, like, yeah, why do we, like, why does the news have to be ratings?
Because, and it's like you said, it's an entertainment show.
It's also like what we were talking about earlier.
It's like when you run into most people that you communicate with online.
My interactions with people on Twitter and on Instagram or Facebook are almost universally positive.
There's very Very few negative people that I run into.
And most of it is because I'm nice, and I don't cause too much bullshit.
But I say controversial shit.
I run into enough nice people.
But there's a certain percentage that are just cunts.
And it's just a numbers game.
When you're dealing with the news, if you're trying to put on an hour show, you're dealing with the events of seven billion people, and the Nepal earthquake, and the typhoon that hits the Philippines, This, and the that,
and the that, and the this, and the murder, and the death, and the cop, and the shot, and the boy, and the gun, and the baby, and the window, and you can just fill that hour up with these events, because the sheer numbers, if you just looked out, if you opened up your window, and you looked out your apartment, and you saw seven billion people, you'd be like, well, of course some shit's going down.
The events that you're dealing with, if you're dealing with even like one one hundredth of one percent of chaos and violence, that's pretty good when you consider what the world must have been like five, six thousand years ago.
People just fucking show up and cut your village in half with swords.
Yeah, the local news broadcast, like, after the last story, and that 20 seconds at the end of the broadcast where they have to, like, be funny or just interact.
Yeah, like, could you imagine just being on the side of the street, be like, alright, call this Uber, then, like, Gene Simmons pulls up, and goes, Joe Rogan, you're a very rich and powerful man.
And then the guy who started taping the people that were out in front of his house, like the Scientologists out in front of his house, to do a smear campaign against him?
Mitt Romney's dad couldn't be president because he was born in Mexico.
The reason why he was born in Mexico was because Mitt Romney's family is from an extreme sect of Mormonism that left the country when polygamy became illegal.
Yeah, you have a horse over here, or you have a horse over there.
Have a horse over here, you can have 15 wives.
You know, lock them up in a dungeon, you have a party.
You know, over here, you have to have one wife, and they tell you what to- Fuck them!
You have to pay taxes?
Get the fuck out of here.
Let's go have 15. So Mitt Romney and his family, they came from this one sect, and they're heavily armed, and they fight off the fucking Taliban, the drug cartels down there.
They get kidnapped and shit.
It's like extreme shit.
The whole scene is really dangerous.
These guys have rifles everywhere they're going.
They're always worried the drug cartels are going to storm the gates.
Because everyone just does their own thing and then all the things are split amongst everyone and like, hey, you're a doctor and hey, you're a mechanic, but we're going to take care of everyone.
It sounds great.
And then you get human beings into it where it's like, okay, now the doctor who went to 12 years of med school has to be like, well, I'm being paid the same as the mechanic?
I wonder if there's gonna be any way that you can test for what you'd be best at, though.
Like, that website 23andMe, it goes through your DNA, and it tells you, like, if you have the warrior gene, if you have, like, all these certain genes, if your kids are gonna be bald.
But I wonder if there's ever gonna be that thing where they go, you're gonna be really good at math stuff, you're gonna be really good at arts.
Yeah, but even if you are really good at it, like, say, like, if something comes along that says you're gonna be really good at math, but you really wanna be a musician.
Like, who the fuck is to tell you that you can't be a musician?
Yeah, it's the reverse psychology thing, where you almost go against it, even if it makes sense, just because you're like, I don't like you telling me to do that.
Yeah, for a while, my parents told me that I could only marry a dwarf because any tall woman would only want me for either a sick fetish or for fame or for money or something like that.
Right now, in the new hour that I'm trying to get together, a lot of the jokes are just like, this is what my life is.
These are the stories that happen to me that are weird as fuck that your advertised person wouldn't even consider and you don't think about.
And it's not necessarily like, if I fall off a curb, that's a long way, man.
You know, it's not like that.
It's just like when a dude got, like when a, and I won't do the joke, but like a guy, I got into a car accident with a guy, and he got out, and when he saw me, he didn't give a fuck about the car accident.
He was in a wheelchair, and he was heckling, and he wouldn't stop heckling, so I taught a girl who's in the front row with him how to choke him unconscious.
You know you have to be ruining a show when the audience is encouraging a woman who just showed her tits to choke a man who's in a wheelchair unconscious.
And, like, I've got my car, I've got my seat at the perfect spot where I can see the mirror, the steering wheel's good, I can reach everything, it's good.
And then the valet gets in and they just fuck it up.
So I just tell them, hey, I'll pay the valet fee, just let me park it, I'll come out, like, just do that.
Like, there's this thing, like, you're trying to put on a show, and when someone jumps in like that, like, that person needs to be stopped at all costs.
I, like, when I get a heckler, it's why I, like, Some people say when a comic will go on stage and they get a heckler and then they get, they're like, oh, but he, this woman was heckling him and then he said that she should go get raped by a thousand dicks.
It's like, he's not thinking, or she's not thinking what's politically correct at that moment.