May 6, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:25:27
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Okay, we're live! | ||
| What's up, dude? | ||
| How are you? | ||
| I'm doing fantastic, my friend. | ||
| Brad Williams, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, a meeting. | ||
| If you told me six, seven years ago that I was going to be on the Joe Rogan podcast, or the Joe Rogan show, I would have told you no way in hell. | ||
| Well, it didn't exist, so you'd have to go to Colorado. | ||
| You'd have to find me. | ||
| You'd have to go, dude, I got an idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| There's this thing called podcasting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to love it. | |
| There's no way. | ||
| I would have thought I would be doing this either six, seven years ago. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| We're in the same boat. | ||
| Love it, man. | ||
| There you go, man. | ||
| We were talking about the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight before he came on air. | ||
| Did you actually watch it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, I watched it. | ||
| As a fight guy, what were your thoughts on it? | ||
| I'm sure you've covered this already, so I'm sorry if you're going to make me repeat things. | ||
| I'm in the minority. | ||
| I actually enjoyed it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I enjoyed it from like a technical standpoint and like two guys who are the best in the world trying to figure each other out. | ||
| Yeah, and now do you think that as a guy that knows the fight game you can respect defense more than your average fight fan? | ||
| Well, definitely more than my wife. | ||
| Oh my god, she was saying some retarded shit. | ||
| She was saying, you should have to get knocked down in order to win. | ||
| I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| She goes, that way it would at least be exciting. | ||
| Make them go for it. | ||
| Guaranteed concussion. | ||
| Hearing shit like that, she's so ridiculous. | ||
| Some people, I kind of get it. | ||
| She's not a fight fan. | ||
| So for her, watching it is just boring as fuck. | ||
| It's just two dudes not hitting each other, and then when one dude gets close, the other dude grabs him. | ||
| Yeah, I love watching hockey on TV. That's my favorite sport to watch on TV. And hockey is notoriously awful on TV, and people hate it on TV. I love it, because I played for five years when I was a kid, so I recognize that they're setting up plays, I recognize strategies and stuff like that. | ||
| So when I'm trying to explain to people, they're just like, this is stupid, they're not scoring, I can't follow the puck. | ||
| And I'm trying to tell them the ins and outs of it. | ||
| And I'm sure the fight game is like that for you. | ||
| Do they still have that thing where they follow the puck with a circle? | ||
| Or did they try that for a while? | ||
| They tried that on Fox. | ||
| And it turned slap shots into a comet. | ||
| It just had this red trail behind it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was supposed to get the casual fan into it. | ||
| But it's like... | ||
| No one is going to hate hockey and then see a comet trail on the puck and go, well, now I'm in! | ||
| I got this now! | ||
| Well, they've done some weird shit like that with football, right? | ||
| With graphics and... | ||
| Well, the amazing part is that I was a huge fan of the XFL. If people remember the XFL, that was Vince McMahon's thing. | ||
| And then a lot of the stuff that they did is now being implemented into the NFL. Like what kind of stuff? | ||
| Like, the overhead camera that is, like, on strings and that follows the game from the top, that was XFL. That was XFL before, trying to make, I mean, they tried to make kickoffs more exciting until, like, all the concussion stuff came out. | ||
| But yeah, like, there's a few things, and certainly making it more... | ||
| Vince at least recognized that it would be more fun if there was, like, complex storylines and, like, you... | ||
| You knew the soap opera of it, much like he did for wrestling. | ||
| So now you see the NFL, and it's the world's greatest reality show. | ||
| They follow the guys off the field, and they get into their lives, and now it's what the XFL was. | ||
| They're trying to build up rivalries, and you know what players actually don't like each other, and who slept with whose wife, and things like that. | ||
| You know, the problem with getting into the NFL's life, like getting into the player's life, is like you're trying to pretend that these guys are not these savage gladiators who are just smashing people every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you want them like off field to be like these sweeties who like baking pies and hugging their kids. | ||
| No, it's like you don't get a guy like Ray Lewis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Without him, like, did you see the video of him pleading to the people of Baltimore going, violence is not the answer! | ||
| That's my whole life, dude. | ||
| He's so intense, he's like, yeah, okay, so if violence isn't the answer, move out of your mansion, because that's what built that mansion, was violence. | ||
| That's how people know who you are. | ||
| You're super violent. | ||
| Yeah, that's like you and me saying, like, don't tell jokes. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Wasn't he on trial for murder? | ||
| I mean, that's pretty violent. | ||
| But he didn't really do it. | ||
| It was like one of his entourage. | ||
| He was allegedly an accessory to murder. | ||
| It was kind of like the Snoop Dogg thing. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Either way, he's a football player. | ||
| When you see these fighters, or these football players, and you see them doing ridiculous shit, and people get all surprised, you can't ask them to be anything other than what they really are. | ||
| And if you want that result, you want that Ray Rice result, you're going to get a Ray Rice. | ||
| You're going to get that happening. | ||
| Which is not saying we condone it, but it's just saying don't be surprised when it happens. | ||
| Well, you can't all of a sudden, in 2015, start putting cameras on these guys and following them around and expecting them to have exemplary behavior. | ||
| What they're good at is when the fucking play starts, they're good at getting shit done. | ||
| And the way you do that is through violence, explosive athleticism, smashing into things, fucking diving through mounds of Enormous, steroided up dudes. | ||
| Yeah, and then with so much testosterone boiling over, and then when Richard Sherman gives an interview last year or two years ago, when he's like, why do they think Crabtree can be put on me? | ||
| Crabtree's a punk! | ||
| Then they start getting mad at him. | ||
| Like, how dare you talk to Aaron Andrews like that? | ||
| A petite white woman, and you're just getting angry. | ||
| Why are you so angry? | ||
| Because he just played football for an hour. | ||
| That's why he's angry, and that's why he's good at what he does. | ||
| Yeah, the idea that you wanted him to take it from ten all the way down to one again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right! | |
| And then just, like, come off like he's an Oscar Wilde player, like, well, as we were on the field of battle, might I tell you, it was quite an interesting route, that one. | ||
| No, it's not gonna happen. | ||
| Those guys are gonna be too intense. | ||
| It's not fair. | ||
| I mean, well, it's... | ||
| Everybody wants everything sanitized. | ||
| I mean, we want the purity of the sport, but then we also want it to be fan-friendly. | ||
| We also want it to be easily absorbed by the casual person who's watching it. | ||
| Yeah, and you know this because you've had to interview guys Right after they fight. | ||
| Yeah, they're fired up. | ||
| After they've just been punched in the face. | ||
| And that's literally the most testosterone probably that can run through your body in a three-minute period of just, like, getting revved up. | ||
| And then Joe Rogan comes in and puts a microphone in. | ||
| Explain what happened out there, and then they expect these guys to get a complex thing. | ||
| People wonder why athletes, they get mad that they always have those textbook answers, like one game at a time, I was just doing a play at a time, we're gonna go back and we're gonna examine. | ||
| They have those scripted answers so they don't have to think about giving those answers because they can't in those moments. | ||
| Not only that, a lot of people are just not that good talking on camera. | ||
| Like, that's something you've got to get relaxed at. | ||
| We forget because we talk for a living. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, like, that's what our normal is. | ||
| Our normal is talking in front of a bunch of strangers and being funny on a moment's notice, whether it be in an interview or a radio show or a podcast, whatever, just, hey, flip the switch, go. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The average person does not do that. | ||
| Like, when they have an actor give a speech at an award show, and it's like something crazy happens and they have to be spontaneous, it's like, no, they're actors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lots of times they can't do that. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them can. | ||
| And some of them can. | ||
| Like, one of the best... | ||
| One of the best interviews ever was Mickey Rourke when he won some like Golden Globe or one of those fucking, whatever the name of the, I think all awards are stupid. | ||
| I don't pay attention to any of that shit. | ||
| You faked it better than this faker. | ||
| But I mean, you know, people do great performances. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| But he did this amazing speech where he was just so loose and relaxed and he was talking all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| It was like one of the best speeches ever. | ||
| And it was fun because he seemed like real comfortable in his own skin, despite all the craziness that that guy's been through. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's always, and that can go either way. | ||
| Like, people either freak out with the honesty of that person, or it's really refreshing. | ||
| Yeah, this is it. | ||
| It was a Spirit Award. | ||
| It was a Spirit Award. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| I mean, it was really, what's really crazy, too, is like, you see him in this video, and we'll play a little bit of it. | ||
| And then you see him now. | ||
| Now he looks like an old gypsy woman. | ||
| He's gone crazy and doctored his face up. | ||
| There's actually an image that says Mickey Rourke, old gypsy woman. | ||
| And that's exactly what he looks like. | ||
| Listen to some of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you all very much. | |
| Like, look, he's so happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just want to say one thing about Eric Roberts. | |
| Eric Roberts is probably the best actor I ever worked with, and I don't know why, in the last 15 years, ain't nobody giving him a chance to show his shit again, because whatever he did 15, 20 years ago should be forgiven, and I wish there was... | ||
| No, I'm goddamn serious about that. | ||
| Eric Roberts is the fucking man. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| That's just one part of it. | ||
| He gets loose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like I got, he deserves a second chance. | ||
| And I wish there would be one goddamn filmmaker in this room that would let him fly because the man he is is something else. | ||
| Thank you, Eric. | ||
| Okay, it's enough on Eric. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eric will probably be arrested by the end of the day, but... | |
| Anyway... | ||
| And that little blonde dude that did that thing, I'm gonna beat your ass when I get out of here. | ||
| But you're right, he's very loose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just like, whatever. | |
| But it gets better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what you do, honey, but these two are really good. | |
| These two are really good. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| You know, I've just gotten thousands of letters and shit from my people, strangers and people that know me about my dog that died six days ago. | ||
| Loki! | ||
| Loki! | ||
| This is what people who don't have kids do. | ||
| They get all torn up about their dogs. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I just got done talking to the Santa Monica Police Department. | |
| They gave me a bed to sleep in 10 years ago. | ||
| And I thanked them for... | ||
| I asked them for two pillows. | ||
| They told me to fuck off. | ||
| But anyway... | ||
| It's like this kind of a speech. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're believing in me. | ||
| This is right after he did The Wrestler. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which, damn, that was a good movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told people in the past, directors like Darren Aronofsky come around every 25 years the same way like Chimino, Coppola, Parker, Adrian Lyne, all the rest of them. | |
| And I said 25 years, and he whispered in my ear, 30. Uh... | ||
| And the only thing I want to say to any young actor or any actor that gets an opportunity to work with Darren, you better be in shape because he will break you down. | ||
| He is one tough son of a bitch and he don't like it when I say that because he goes, Mickey, you'll scare all the other actors away from me. | ||
| But Darren, you know what? | ||
| If they ain't got the balls to bring it, then fuck them, you know? | ||
| Anyway... | ||
| I love this guy. | ||
| Yeah, but now, okay, so go from there and look at the image of him now. | ||
| Pull up, uh, Mickey Rourke, old gypsy woman. | ||
| Just, just, just, just Google Mickey Rourke, old gypsy woman. | ||
| I would just always wonder, like, what the fuck happens to dudes or women or, you know, like that, that gal, um, what the fuck's her name? | ||
| Renee Zellweger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's not even it. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, there's that one right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, jeez. | |
| Yeah, this one. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I said she. | ||
| I said she on instinct. | ||
| He looks like his name should be Mildred right there. | ||
| Everything's crazy about that. | ||
| The wig is crazy. | ||
| The face is crazy. | ||
| It's like, poor bastard. | ||
| Pull it back so you can see his hair. | ||
| He's wearing this crazy hair piece thing. | ||
| And is he trying to look like an old gypsy woman, or is that just him? | ||
| No, he was at the fights. | ||
| He was at the UFC. And he was upset at one of the decisions, and that was the face that he made. | ||
| But he's done something to his lips, apparently. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| He looks like the character from the Stephen King movie Thinner. | ||
| That gypsy woman that rubbed her hand on the face like, Thinner! | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's her. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, I mean him and Bruce Jenner could hang out and just talk shit. | ||
| I don't think he's trying to be a woman though. | ||
| I think he's just going crazy. | ||
| I mean that's what do you think like that's what this business does to people that as they age like rather be Renee Zellweger or Mickey Rourke or now there's some pictures out there I think of I think it's Uma Thurman where it's like I Uma Thurman's gotten plastic surgery? | ||
| I think they did some plastic surgery. | ||
| I think she did some plastic surgery to her and it's just something where you're built up as like sort of either a sex symbol or whatever for so long and then it just goes it starts to fade away and then does that fuck with your head? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I would imagine. | ||
| I mean, someone described beauty as a short-lived tyranny. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I think beauty is, like, a really hard one because some women, they go from being unbelievably desirable and then through no fault of their own, just father time... | ||
| Natural aging. | ||
| ...they become monsters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa, what's going on there? | ||
| What did she do? | ||
| Oh my god, what did she do? | ||
| She pulled some stuff back. | ||
| She doesn't look like her. | ||
| No. | ||
| She looks like she's a character from that new movie Ex Machina. | ||
| Whoa, that is weird, man. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| What did she do? | ||
| I'm trying to figure out what she did. | ||
| Is that just her wearing no makeup except for lipstick? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Believe it or not, I'm not a plastic surgeon. | ||
| Well, I feel like if you added, like, see, like, one of them has all this eye makeup on, and the other one doesn't. | ||
| That's a big thing with gals. | ||
| Like, you ever see a woman who doesn't have eye makeup on, and you always see her with eye makeup on, and then one day you don't? | ||
| You're like, who are you? | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Oh, you're a fucking different human. | ||
| The Huffington Post, and you might want to- Porn stars? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The porn stars without makeup thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That blew my mind. | ||
| That's a trip. | ||
| Because then you see these girls without makeup, like with the makeup on, they are goddesses. | ||
| And you just see them on the screen, you're like, holy shit, that's like the ideal. | ||
| And then you see them without the makeup, you're like, oh, I know eight girls from Riverside that look just like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Yeah, you could do some amazing shit with makeup if you're a chick. | ||
| Yeah, there's also a story about a dude, he's a makeup artist, I think he's a black guy, and he showed that with makeup he could look like Kim Kardashian. | ||
| And he put makeup on his face, and at the end of it, you're like, yeah, that, let me, granted, it looks like a Madame Tussaud's, like, wax museum Kim Kardashian, but that's, you look like that. | ||
| Like, you created that, and then his face without it is not like that at all, obviously. | ||
| Looks are a weird thing, right? | ||
| It's like, you didn't ask for it, you didn't work for it, and just, boom! | ||
| It's that old debate, would you rather have all the looks and then slowly lose them, or would you rather be like Jason Alexander that looks the exact same as he did 30 years ago? | ||
| But he's going crazy, too. | ||
| He's wearing a toupee now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, Jason Alexander put a toupee on. | ||
| He's like a walking episode of Seinfeld. | ||
| There was an episode of Seinfeld where he wore a toupee. | ||
| It was really awkward. | ||
| It was really obvious. | ||
| And now he's kind of trying to do it. | ||
| I mean, I don't blame guys that do the plugs or anything like that. | ||
| I don't blame them. | ||
| Hell, Wayne Rooney, the soccer player, did it. | ||
| And everyone knew that he had plugs. | ||
| And he's like, I don't care. | ||
| I got hair now. | ||
| I did it, but you know what happens, man? | ||
| First of all, you get a scar in the back of your head, so I have like a permanent smile on the back of my head, and then second of all, if the rest of your hair falls out, the way I described it is like taking healthy people and moving them into a neighborhood where everyone's dying, the other hair falls out. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| They haven't figured it out yet. | ||
| It's like lips. | ||
| Like, when girls get their lips done, you don't want to be an early adopter of that. | ||
| You don't want someone fucking with your face permanently. | ||
| Yeah, this is the, I think, is it the Bill Burr bit? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Bill Burr has a great bit about this where he's like, yeah, just wait until they fucking fix it. | ||
| Like, wait until they get it right. | ||
| Like, the people that are going into plastic surgery right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| Wait. | ||
| Yeah, but they can't wait because they're 50 and they're like, fuck, you know, I just want to look 37, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, you know what, there's people, like, some doctors nail it, though. | |
| That's the other problem, is some doctors can do a really good job of making you look a little bit better. | ||
| It's those guys that go crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's also like, a girl like Uma Thurman, I mean, how much shopping around does she do for a plastic surgeon, if she even got plastic surgery, or the other one, Renee Zellweger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do they just go with someone they could trust? | ||
| Do they know? | ||
| Do they ask around? | ||
| And that's the thing is, we talk about all the ones that went wrong, because the ones that went right, we don't know. | ||
| There's gotta be a ton that went right, right? | ||
| I mean, I don't know who, but like... | ||
| She says she never had anything done. | ||
| She's like 61 or something like that. | ||
| She's still hot as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what that is. | ||
| Genetics, hard work, good diet. | ||
| You see Sophia Loren, even when she was 65, you're like, yeah, well done. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Well, who is the other one? | ||
| Raquel Welch. | ||
| She's like deep, deep into her 70s. | ||
| And she's still hot as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's weird. | ||
| It's just the genetic lottery, I guess. | ||
| Totally that. | ||
| Like, you know, because, hey, some people are born and they've got like the natural, like Bo Jackson, where they say like just natural athlete, like God-given talent, Herschel Walker, just did push-ups and sit-ups his entire damn life. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| I'm not sure I buy that, because he also said that he only eats like a salad and soup the whole day. | ||
| Whole day. | ||
| Which doesn't even make any sense. | ||
| And he also has multiple personality disorder, trauma-induced multiple personality disorder. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So who knows which Herschel is telling you that? | ||
| Yeah, one Herschel might be doing roids and squats and... | ||
| What you mean, if anybody can talk about genetic lottery, it's you, right? | ||
| Yeah, no kidding. | ||
| For people who don't know, people aren't listening to this. | ||
| A lot of people are just listening to this. | ||
| Explain. | ||
| I am a chondroplastic dwarf, and that's the type of dwarfism that I have. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Because there's over 100 types of dwarfism. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, well, because it's a genetic mutation. | ||
| So you have slight differences in how the gene changes. | ||
| So there are literally some dwarves out there, some little people that it's only like one of three people in the entire world that have that specific type of dwarfism. | ||
| One of three in the whole world. | ||
| What are the differentiations? | ||
| Well, like, okay, for me, achondroplasia is what I have. | ||
| It's the most common type of dwarfism. | ||
| Mine is characterized by small arms, small legs, prominent buttocks. | ||
| I love that one. | ||
| Prominent buttocks, enlarged forehead, collapsed nose bridge, average-sized torso. | ||
| So, like, when we're sitting down, we're making eye contact right now. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm 4'4", you're 6'8". | ||
| Yeah, you're 5'8". | ||
| But there's some dwarves that have a completely different body type, like Vern Troyer, who played many of me in the Austin Powers movies. | ||
| He's got dwarfism, but it's a completely different type of dwarfism. | ||
| When that guy was on that celebrity, what was that show? | ||
| Oh, Surreal Life? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that was so sad. | ||
| I do a perfect impression of him drunk when he's pissing in the corner. | ||
| He made a noise. | ||
| Is he still alive? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| He's still alive? | ||
| That guy seemed like he was drinking himself to death. | ||
| You would think. | ||
| I mean, hey, he's still ticking, man. | ||
| Wow, that's amazing that he's still alive. | ||
| It's hardcore for a guy like that, too, because he goes and he gets this big movie. | ||
| He becomes a celebrity almost instantaneously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, after that, it kind of dries up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And no one wants to see him hump a laser anymore. | ||
| So now what you got? | ||
| And it's weird because I saw that when I was trying to enter show business. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I love being a stand-up comic. | ||
| Because no matter what, I can always go on stage and talking from an audience and be funny. | ||
| I can do that. | ||
| And there's only a few amount of people that can actually do that. | ||
| So as long as I got that skill, I'm good. | ||
| I don't have to wait until a producer says, yes, I'll put you in a movie. | ||
| Yes, I'll put you in a TV show. | ||
| Well, to answer your earlier question, I think that's what makes people go crazy out here. | ||
| Like, does the business do it to them? | ||
| What goes crazy is that they're not in control of their own destiny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if they do have any sort of success whatsoever, if anything does take off for them, it's like, they're like, oh, it's happening. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| It's like, it's all out of their control. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You audition for things, you get the job, you're on the set. | ||
| It's like, when is this going away? | ||
| And you've got to cultivate your career, so they have to be very careful about the things that they say. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| So, yeah, and that's one of the reasons, like I said, I love being in comics. | ||
| No matter what, I always have that. | ||
| Because, yeah, I've had a ton of auditions for TV shows that I haven't gotten. | ||
| Thanks, Peter Dinklage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucker. | ||
| Well, that guy's changed the game. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's changed the game. | ||
| He's so fucking good. | ||
| He's the main guy on that show. | ||
| He's the dude! | ||
| And it's the biggest movie ever, or the biggest show, rather, ever. | ||
| I mean, that show is one of the most impactful shows ever, and a dwarf is really the big guy. | ||
| And I love that, and the fact that, yeah, they talk about him being a dwarf in the show, but it's not the focus. | ||
| I love that it's just like... | ||
| He bounces it off, man. | ||
| What's beautiful about what he does and his character in that show is he utilizes it to his advantage and he lets people underestimate him because of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And Lord knows that's true for anyone that has dwarfism. | ||
| Like, we're not... | ||
| No one thinks that we can do certain things, or they're just not sure. | ||
| Hell, when I played hockey when I was a kid, the coaches on the other team would tell their players, alright, don't hit Brad. | ||
| We don't know what's going to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I don't know if they thought they would hit me and I would just explode into candy or something like that. | ||
| But they were like, don't hit him! | ||
| We don't know! | ||
| He could summon a spell! | ||
| I don't know what they thought. | ||
| But yeah, people underestimate. | ||
| Hell, the first time I ever went on stage, I got on stage because a guy was just like, well, you're a dwarf. | ||
| That's funny enough. | ||
| And then I went on stage and started telling jokes. | ||
| He was like, oh... | ||
| Shit! | ||
| You actually have jokes! | ||
| You're actually prepared for this. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Awesome! | ||
| What was your first time on stage? | ||
| How long have you been doing it? | ||
| I've been doing it 12 years. | ||
| And I've told this story on a couple radio shows, podcasts before, but I'll tell it just because it's a very interesting tie-in with you. | ||
| I was in the audience of a Carlos Mencia show, and he's on stage making midget jokes. | ||
| Half the audience is laughing. | ||
| Half the audience that's sitting by me is just like... | ||
| Like just kind of pointing over like... | ||
| And he notices that and he looks over and he goes, why aren't you guys laughing? | ||
| And he actually said the sentence, what is one of them here? | ||
| And I just raised my hand. | ||
| I was like, what's up, dude? | ||
| And he didn't even flinch. | ||
| He called me up on stage like, holy shit, I gotta talk to you. | ||
| And I'd never done stand-up at that point. | ||
| And I walk on stage. | ||
| He started asking me questions and the answers I gave got laughs. | ||
| And that's when I was like, oh, wow, this is what I have to do for a living. | ||
| Wow, so Carlos Mancia did do something good in this world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| One good thing happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's amazing. | |
| Yeah, that's why I said at the very beginning, like, if you told me six years ago that I'd be sitting with you, I'd be like, no way in hell, because there was a time, and I talked about this with Red Band on my podcast when he came on, there was a time I hated you guys. | ||
| I absolutely hated you, and I had never met you guys before. | ||
| But, you know, it was like teams, you know what I mean? | ||
| It was like, this guy's trying to take out my boss and my friend. | ||
| What's up, fucker? | ||
| Well, I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| He was helping you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you had to know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, everybody knew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's... | |
| I mean... | ||
| But the things that he would do for me, I can never repay the man enough. | ||
| Because he literally took me from being an open-miker. | ||
| Because what happened was I got bit by the bug. | ||
| I started doing stand-up. | ||
| About a year and a half later, I showed up to one of his shows. | ||
| And he recognized me. | ||
| And he said, dude, you're the guy... | ||
| Did you start doing stand-up? | ||
| And I said, yeah, I've been doing it about a year. | ||
| He goes, okay, well, let's... | ||
| Let's get you up on stage. | ||
| Let's have you open up my show tonight. | ||
| Let's see what you got. | ||
| And that's the whole, like, I put you up there because you're a dwarf and I think that's funny, but then, holy shit, you got jokes. | ||
| And when I came off stage, after doing about five minutes, he goes, wow, do you want to be my new opening act? | ||
| Like, right then and there. | ||
| And I was a junior in college. | ||
| I was going to USC. I had a year to go to graduate. | ||
| And I dropped out. | ||
| I dropped out to be his opening act. | ||
| And I was his opening act for four years. | ||
| First of all, way better job security, if you're funny, than ever. | ||
| Whatever fucking career you're gonna put together. | ||
| Well, like... | ||
| Yeah, and people tell me, they're like, oh, but you were going to college. | ||
| What were you studying? | ||
| Stop. | ||
| I was a communications major, so calm down. | ||
| I wasn't curing cancer. | ||
| Even if you were a doctor, you know how hard doctors have to work? | ||
| Unless you're obsessed with being a neurosurgeon or something crazy like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right, right, right. | |
| Fuck that job. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm so glad that other people do it. | ||
| So dumbasses like me don't have to. | ||
| Well, you know, a guy like Carlos, even people that do bad things, like people that have bad ethics, they're not always bad. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of gray in this world, and that's the reality of life. | ||
| And he took me on the road, and when we were on the road, he would pay for all my travel, he would pay for all my meals. | ||
| If we were ever going shopping, he'd say, hey, whatever you're getting, throw it on my pile, I'm good. | ||
| He took great care of me, and it's funny, because I still consider him a damn good friend. | ||
| But now I'm friends with you, I'm friends with Burt Kreischer, I'm friends with Jay Moore, I'm friends with all these guys. | ||
| You're a fence rider, Brad Williams. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I don't pick a side. | ||
| Whatever! | ||
| That's good, man. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| I have friends that hate other friends. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I have a lot of acquaintances like that. | ||
| The people that can't deal with that, they're babies. | ||
| If you really need all your friends to be on your team, throw the fuck up. | ||
| Some people aren't going to like each other. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| And if you have fans, and I'm sure you have fans that will never like me because of my association. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Those guys aren't really fans. | ||
| Fucking punks. | ||
| I mean, that's fine. | ||
| That's okay if you think that. | ||
| The term fan is weird anyway, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| I hardly ever use it. | ||
| It just seems odd. | ||
| It seems like you're diminishing a person. | ||
| It's like people that like you. | ||
| That's what they are. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| When you call someone a fan, it's like all of a sudden there's a different tier. | ||
| There's you and then there's them. | ||
| There's you and then there's the fans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whenever you label things like that, they're just people. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of bands that I like. | ||
| Well, I'm a fan of a lot of musicians, and now I'm friends with them, and it's weird. | ||
| Right! | ||
| Yeah, and when I started doing comedy, that started happening a lot. | ||
| I was a fan of people, and then, you know, once you get past a certain level, and that level is pretty much just open-miker, once you get past that level, you meet everyone. | ||
| If you're in New York or LA, you run into everybody. | ||
| So now I'm friends with Dave Attell, which is... | ||
| Weird, because I love Dave Attell. | ||
| He's so damn funny. | ||
| And then I started talking to him, and now I get an email from him every now and then. | ||
| It's like, holy shit, Dave Attell's emailing me. | ||
| But I can't have that moment. | ||
| I go, no, this is your friend Dave. | ||
| This is not Dave Attell, the comedy god. | ||
| I still get those. | ||
| I still get those when I talk to Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is my friend. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| Joe Perry was on the podcast, and every now and then, Joe Perry texts me, and I'll show a friend, like, fucking Joe Perry. | ||
| Yeah, like Joe Perry's texting me right now. | ||
| And it's been said a million times, but I can't emphasize enough that it's true. | ||
| The people that you put on pedestals are still people. | ||
| No one is this being of all power that's higher levels. | ||
| They're all people. | ||
| Everyone is a person. | ||
| Even the most brilliant people on earth are just people. | ||
| And one of the things that I've found is the most successful people, the most interesting people, people that I truly enjoy talking to, they don't expect anything different. | ||
| And as soon as someone does expect something different, then they stop being cool. | ||
| Then I don't like them anymore. | ||
| I can't just talk to you. | ||
| Now you're fucking weird. | ||
| Yeah, now I have to make an appointment. | ||
| I was at the Hollywood Improv and Paul McCartney was there. | ||
| Yeah, I was there. | ||
| I was there that night. | ||
| He was there two different times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He loved, I guess for a while, he just loved coming to see comedy. | ||
| And I got to talk to him very briefly, but still. | ||
| But he had like a guy that kept trying to drag him away. | ||
| And he kept looking at like, no, no, no, it's alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's alright. | |
| Here, let me talk. | ||
| Let me talk. | ||
| Who's the guy? | ||
| Whoever. | ||
| Some fucking handler. | ||
| Some agent maggot. | ||
| Yeah, it's just like, Paul, we gotta go, we gotta go. | ||
| And Paul told him no and took the time. | ||
| And that's literally the most famous person on the planet. | ||
| He's right up there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's gotta be top five. | ||
| And he's taking time to be like, no, I'm gonna give this guy his moment. | ||
| And I don't know if it's just because he's a great dude. | ||
| Maybe he understands that I'm Paul McCartney. | ||
| And if I talk to a guy, it's gonna make his life happen. | ||
| I think he's just a normal dude. | ||
| When I watch him talking to people, he just seems like a guy who is a great artist, but he's just a human being. | ||
| That's exactly what he seems like. | ||
| Just a human being, man. | ||
| It's cool when you realize that. | ||
| It's cool when you realize, oh yeah, I can just talk to whoever. | ||
| When people in show business or whatever athletes that you look up to... | ||
| I have fans that are musicians that I like, and now it's like, wait, they watch that? | ||
| They watch... | ||
| Yeah, of course they watch that TV show. | ||
| They listen to that podcast. | ||
| They consume entertainment just because they're a human being. | ||
| Well, that's also the cool thing about podcasts is that podcasts, these long-form conversations with no interruptions, they give you insight to a person. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| There's a lot of people listening to this right now that feel like they're sitting in here talking to us. | ||
| Yeah, just hanging out. | ||
| Because that's what we're doing. | ||
| We're just hanging out. | ||
| Yeah, it's not that radio thing where it's like, alright, you have a four-minute break, and so you're like peppering, you're pretty much doing your act because you're just trying to get as many jokes in as possible so people come see you in wherever comedy club you're playing. | ||
| It's like, no, this is an actual conversation where you actually can dive into how people tick and what people's thoughts are. | ||
| It's also those four-minute breaks. | ||
| They fuck with the flow. | ||
| That's why I don't break up my podcast ever with commercials. | ||
| I just do them in the beginning and the end. | ||
| And I get all these really juicy offers to do them in the middle, and I'm like, it just fucks with the flow, man. | ||
| You can't just stop a conversation. | ||
| I'll do Adam Carolla's podcast. | ||
| I love the dude, but he'll be like, well, that's funny you say that, Brad, because... | ||
| Real greats. | ||
| Man greats. | ||
| You know, man great. | ||
| He'll just start talking. | ||
| You're like, oh, are you doing an ad? | ||
| Oh, he's reading now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| I guess we're not talking. | ||
| And then you have to sort of build up this conversation. | ||
| I think it's also one of the reasons why I like doing these really long form conversations, because I always found when I'm talking to people, when we're alone, I'm having a really cool conversation with someone. | ||
| It takes a while to sort of get cooking. | ||
| And then when it gets cooking, everybody sort of relaxes and settles in. | ||
| Then you really kind of understand who that person is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, Red Band told me something when he was on the podcast, when he was on my podcast, called about last night, what's up? | ||
| Plug. | ||
| That I wanted to ask you about, because he said there was a meeting at some point, or you brought something up during the whole feud, war thing, call it whatever you will, where you said, let's steal Mencia's midget. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's so retarded. | ||
| That's so not true. | ||
| That was a fucking sketch from the Man Show. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yes, it was a sketch. | ||
| He's so confused. | ||
| His memory sucks so bad. | ||
| I was hoping there was a meeting. | ||
| It was an action. | ||
| No, we definitely didn't have it. | ||
| We might have joked around about it because it was during the same sort of time period, but we did a sketch Stanhope did on The Man Show, where he went at, oh, look at the devil. | ||
| There he is! | ||
| He just came in a perfect time, just dissecting one of your bullshit stories. | ||
| Oh, no, what? | ||
| There was a sketch for the Man Show where Doug Stanhope was trying to steal the Man Show midget from those guys, from the Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel show. | ||
| It was a brilliant, brilliant fucking bit. | ||
| Yeah, it was art. | ||
| I know him. | ||
| Great shit on that. | ||
| And that was one of them. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And so, I mean, maybe we said, you know, we should do that to Mencia's buddy Brad. | ||
| But we definitely didn't have a fucking meeting and plan out stealing one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We didn't have a meeting. | |
| I didn't say it was a meeting. | ||
| I just said it was... | ||
| You said there was a conversation where you're like, let's steal Mencia's... | ||
| Hi, we talk about, would you blow a unicorn if you knew you could live forever? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| We've had some pretty ridiculous conversations. | ||
| First of all, the answer is yes, but yeah. | ||
| Yeah, if you could live forever. | ||
| But I don't know, man. | ||
| You might not want to live forever. | ||
| As I get older, I'm like, if you weren't alive, you would never expect life, right? | ||
| Because you wouldn't have any expectations, you wouldn't be alive. | ||
| Now that you are alive, you wouldn't expect what happens after life. | ||
| We're just guessing that it's nothing. | ||
| And I'm not saying that it's a bunch of dudes in the clouds with a harp, but it's very possible that whatever the fuck consciousness is, is not... | ||
| Native only to this space. | ||
| It's not restricted only to this existence. | ||
| It's very possible that whatever you have, whatever's going on when you dream, whatever's going on when you take mushrooms, whatever's going on when you die, they might be very similar things. | ||
| Your consciousness might be some sort of energy that moves on to some new plane of existence that might be way cooler than this monkey body. | ||
| If the theory holds true that there's an infinite number of universes, who knows that you just don't hop to another universe and say, alright, there's your shot again. | ||
| Go again. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| That's not what happens every time you wake up. | ||
| It's very possible that every time you wake up, you are in a different existence. | ||
| You've blown my mind already, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I had a crazy dream about that last night. | ||
| I had a crazy dream last night that was I had DMT trip in my dream, which I've never had before. | ||
| Now, DMT, I'm new to all this, but DMT trip during your dream, that's sort of meta, isn't it? | ||
| Because isn't DMT kind of what makes you dream? | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| That's all theory. | ||
| But you never dream a DMT trip. | ||
| DMT trips are way more intense than a dream because you're flooding your brain with this chemical that's native to your brain. | ||
| The idea being that when you're sleeping there's times when you're in heavy REM sleep or you're not conscious where you do visit these same realms But I've never remembered it before not like like last night like last night I was in there man It was really really really intense and very strange, | ||
| but it was Essentially it was this this dream was in some way Telling me that this that that what we're doing here right now that don't get all crazy about this Don't get crazy about this life Don't get too fixated on it because it's really just one piece of some sort of infinite mandala of existence and Just like that was the the entire DMT trip in my dream was it was real Relax | ||
| it was like somehow or another Coaxing or coaching rather me to to relax and to understand that like all the stress and all the Weird shit that people have in their brain like the more you can like settle that in the more you can ah The more you can exist in in like a real peaceful state where where this is like your real self You're just constantly being inundated with all these different ideas | ||
| and stresses and different things that you're trying to accomplish and different things that you're concentrating on, worrying about, concerned about, that you anticipate in the future. | ||
| But I thought all these things are bullshit. | ||
| And that was the dream last night. | ||
| It was very, very strange. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Were you on the new mood? | |
| Was it the 5-HTP? No, no, I didn't take anything. | ||
| I just went to sleep. | ||
| I mean, I took some AlphaBrain during the day. | ||
| I don't know if that had anything to do with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been taking that ZMA again. | |
| I just got a new bottle of it. | ||
| And that shit really does fuck with your dreams a lot. | ||
| Because ever since I got that bottle every night, I haven't had dreams until I got that for a while. | ||
| Well, it's zinc. | ||
| Zinc ups your testosterone. | ||
| It ups your sperm production. | ||
| It probably has a lot to do with... | ||
| And then it probably helps you sleep, too. | ||
| I think it relaxes you. | ||
| It helps you sleep. | ||
| See, this is the stuff I know nothing about, so I'm fascinated by all this stuff. | ||
| Because you've done so many things in terms of other levels of consciousness and things of that nature. | ||
| I've never even done mushrooms. | ||
| You should go to Shroomfest. | ||
| You should do Shroomfest with Larry Shaffir in the desert. | ||
| They do it every year. | ||
| He's been trying to get me to go. | ||
| Why don't you go? | ||
| I would love to go. | ||
| Why didn't you go? | ||
| I've had such bad experiences on drugs. | ||
| What drugs? | ||
| Just weed. | ||
| Just weed I've had bad experiences. | ||
| Like what kind? | ||
| Like panic attacks, anxiety attacks. | ||
| That's the good stuff then. | ||
| You're getting good shit. | ||
| That's this podcast. | ||
| Pretty much every couple weeks, all of us going to a panic attack. | ||
| Oh, fantastic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was one time, it was my birthday in Vegas, and I was severely dehydrated, and on top of that, I took way too much of a pot cookie and passed out at the Rio, like, next to a slot machine. | ||
| Like, just collapsed. | ||
| Like, it was like a marionetter just dropped the puppet strings. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The weirdest thing is that, like, first of all, it's Vegas, so people walk by, they see a midget passed out in the Rio, they're like, oh, that's a new exhibit. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Now, are you getting anything out of it? | ||
| Like, did you, like, when you had that experience and you, you know, you have this panic attack, after it's over... | ||
| Do you experience anything positive? | ||
| I wouldn't say. | ||
| The only positivity I had was because I went to the hospital and they pumped me so full of fluids that I felt so good afterward. | ||
| I was so hydrated that that felt amazing. | ||
| So they gave you an IV at the hospital? | ||
| Yeah, they gave me an IV. Why were you so dehydrated? | ||
| I got a massage earlier in the day and it was like the deep tissue stuff. | ||
| What? | ||
| You need to drink water after that. | ||
| You need to. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| That's definitely not going to get you that dehydration. | ||
| Is somebody rubbing on your skin? | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| Wringing you out like a dishcloth? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Hey, Joe, I'm very tiny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He only holds a bottle of water. | |
| That doesn't make any sense, man. | ||
| I mean, to be honest with you, I don't know, but... | ||
| When they tell you after a massage to drink a bottle of water, most of that's bullshit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, what they're trying to tell you is that you get your toxins out of your system. | ||
| Drink the water and you get toxins. | ||
| Your muscles are releasing toxins. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your body's fucking processing toxins with your liver, right? | ||
| You know what happens when you get your muscles rubbed? | ||
| It breaks up your tissue a little bit. | ||
| It's massaging soft tissue, and it loosens things up, and it makes you feel better. | ||
| You should drink water anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You know, water's good for you, but I really don't believe that, you know, when you get a massage, it's releasing toxins. | ||
| I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't see how it could. | ||
| I've never heard a doctor say that. | ||
| There's toxins that are released when you have a very strenuous exercise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Like that's why those CrossFitter people, they get that rhabdomyelosis. | ||
| I think that's how you say it. | ||
| Rhabdo is when your kidneys start failing because your kidneys can't process. | ||
| Yeah, your muscles are breaking down and your kidneys can't process all the toxins and all the fluid. | ||
| Yeah, it's very dangerous and it was really rare up until this CrossFit Sort of craze, but now when people go to the hospital, and they find that they're having kidney failure, and they have this rhabdomyelosis, or however the fuck you say it, and they always ask them, are you doing CrossFit? | ||
| Because CrossFit, they're trying to get people to do, like, you know, 50 fucking clean impresses in a row, and they'll have competitions with each other. | ||
| You're pushing your body way past, like, a workout limit. | ||
| You're pushing your pot to the point of, like, real failure. | ||
| You talk to a guy who's done CrossFit for 10 years and doesn't have some significant fucking injuries, like significant back injuries, significant muscle tears, or something along those lines. | ||
| I'm really glad you're saying this, Joe, because now I could have a legitimate reason to not do CrossFit, and not just that I'm a lazy fuck. | ||
| My good friend is Steve Maxwell, who's this really world-renowned strength and conditioning coach, and he's worked with a lot of high-level MMA fighters. | ||
| He was one of the first Americans to get his black belt in jiu-jitsu, and he's just this great guy and knows so much about martial arts and knows so much about strength and conditioning and health, and he fucking hates it. | ||
| He thinks that what CrossFit is, he says, you're doing a competition to lift weights. | ||
| He's like, unless you're doing, like, a power... | ||
| Like, when you watch powerlifting, they do that once. | ||
| It's like a one-lift thing. | ||
| Like, when you're doing a bunch of them in a row, like, what his take on it is that weightlifting should be to strengthen your body for sports. | ||
| Strengthen your body for competition. | ||
| And when you do a competition... | ||
| Out of weightlifting. | ||
| He's like, it's kind of ridiculous. | ||
| It kind of defeats the purpose of strength and conditioning in the first place. | ||
| Like, doing strength and conditioning as a sport, he's like, it's kind of silly. | ||
| It's like it's supposed to help sports. | ||
| It's not supposed to be the sport. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| And there's other people that have a similar criticism, and their take on it is that when you see these big compound movements, like Olympic cleans and presses, like these are full body movements, those are supposed to be done with low repetition. | ||
| Once. | ||
| A few times, maybe, you know, maybe a couple, but you're not supposed to engage those muscles like that, like over and over and over again to the point of failure, because you're taking some big fucking risks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You're putting really heavy weight over your head. | ||
| You're, you know, you're throwing your back into this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You're cleaning it. | ||
| Well, yeah, you've seen all the YouTube videos of people like dropping the weight on their necks or like some people lose their bowels while they're doing the weight lifting. | ||
| You can only be so lucky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen those videos. | ||
| Shocker, I'm not a doctor, but that just doesn't seem right. | ||
| It doesn't seem like your body should be doing that. | ||
| The other side effect of CrossFit is that when you meet someone, the first sentence out of your mouth is, I do CrossFit. | ||
| Yeah, that's usually people just starting to do it. | ||
| It's like anything else. | ||
| People just start to do Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| People just become a vegan. | ||
| You know, people just got into yoga. | ||
| They all do the same shit. | ||
| People get into something, they can't shut the fuck up about it. | ||
| I've been guilty of that, too. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| Vegan CrossFitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That has to be the worst combo. | |
| A vegan CrossFitter? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That'd be interesting. | ||
| It's just one of those things where a lot of people are doing it, and there are benefits to it. | ||
| There's benefits to any kind of exercise. | ||
| You're raising your heart rate up, you're getting your body to work, your body's gonna break down and recover, it's gonna get stronger because of that process. | ||
| There's a lot of benefits to it. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| I'm very skeptical when I know so many people that do it, and they're all fucked up. | ||
| Like, Eddie Ift is all fucked up. | ||
| His back's a wreck. | ||
| And he used to totally be, oh, I love CrossFit, I love CrossFit. | ||
| Now he's like, fuck CrossFit! | ||
| He's out of it now? | ||
| Like, he's out of doing CrossFit? | ||
| He has this CrossFit podcast, which has to be the most amazing podcast in the world. | ||
| Well, for CrossFitters, it is, because it's just an hour and a half of talking about CrossFit. | ||
| Yeah, they're probably jerking off to that, like, yeah! | ||
| What's your workout of the day? | ||
| Well, today I do box jumps. | ||
| You know, there's probably good to it. | ||
| There's some good to it. | ||
| It's like everything else. | ||
| Everything in moderation, right? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you can run an ultramarathon if you're fucking crazy, but you can only do them like once every few months. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If at all, I have a friend, a friend of his ran an ultramarathon, and she had kidney failure that was so bad, you could take your finger and push it into her arm, and it would stay, like the dent would stay, and then it would slowly come back up like she was made out of, remember Stretch Armstrong? | ||
| Yeah, she was like human memory fault. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's dehydration, right, from your kidney? | |
| Well, it's inflammation. | ||
| She probably got a damn good massage then. | ||
| Her kidneys were failing. | ||
| So her body was swollen. | ||
| Everything was all fucked up with fluids. | ||
| It's just like, it's not good. | ||
| My friend is going through a kidney failure right now. | ||
| She just got lupus and she's getting all these infusions and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is kidney something that you have two of them, right? | |
| So you can get rid of one and live an okay life with the other one? | ||
| It's fairly okay. | ||
| Yeah, but it's going to be compromised. | ||
| Yeah, and there'll probably be a moment where you might wish you had two. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I think you have to be really careful about dehydration and drinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drinking, yeah. | |
| Drinking and dehydration go hand in hand. | ||
| Our mutual friend Bean from the Kevin and Bean show has one kidney. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| What happened to him? | ||
| He donated his kidney to a friend of his. | ||
| Aw, that's awesome. | ||
| He's a sweetie. | ||
| He is. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| He's a big Seattle proponent, too. | ||
| Talk to that guy. | ||
| I love you moving up to Seattle. | ||
| He almost got me that fuck. | ||
| Dude, I've got two friends that are like that. | ||
| I have Bean, and then I have my podcast partner, Adam Ray, who's from Seattle. | ||
| I fucking love Seattle. | ||
| I just don't love cloudy weather. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| That's all I don't love about Seattle. | ||
| I love the restaurants. | ||
| I love the people. | ||
| I think it's a smart town. | ||
| It's less materialistic. | ||
| It's less focused on just plain looks and attention and all the bullshit that comes with this town. | ||
| Yeah, that you characterize for Hollywood. | ||
| I mean, we're kind of out of that loop because we're comics and, you know, we hang around at the store and it's just like, we're barely in that loop, you know, but goddamn, every now and then I dip my toe into it. | ||
| Like, I'll go to a restaurant and I'll see paparazzi in front and people that are like, it's just all that horse shit. | ||
| It's just so stupid. | ||
| Yeah, the most annoying part about the whole LA scene for me is talking to someone, and while I'm trying to make eye contact, they're looking around for the next person to talk to. | ||
| Oh, there's certain places. | ||
| If you go to certain places, that's all anyone is doing, is looking for famous people to walk in. | ||
| Yeah, and then they're going to go talk, like, okay, I'm talking to you now, because you've done a few things in your life, but the next person that walks in... | ||
| I guess I kind of get it, because it's sort of like birdwatching. | ||
| Like, ooh, there's a blue jay. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, who gives a fuck if a blue jay shows up? | ||
| I mean, they're kind of pretty. | ||
| But if Jennifer Lopez walks in like, yeah, her ass is great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old is she? | |
| 45 bucks, dude. | ||
| So you're like, oh, there's the rare Brad Williams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A dwarf. | |
| Small, funny, but... | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Oh, look over there, Joe Rogan! | ||
| Larger. | ||
| Larger of the species. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is weird. | |
| So Brad used to be friends with Carlos. | ||
| I wonder if he's still friends. | ||
| And they'll still have this fucking... | ||
| They'll have these debates and one to ponder. | ||
| No, man, you know what I heard, man? | ||
| I heard they had a falling out. | ||
| There's certain people that are experts on like celebrity relationships and friendships. | ||
| Those people are fucking disgusting. | ||
| Those people, well, she broke up with him because she found out that he was text messaging his ex. | ||
| How the fuck do you know? | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| You don't even know about your own life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't even fucking clean your car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Jamie. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| I wasn't talking about you, Jamie. | ||
| I didn't mean you, Jamie. | ||
| But yeah, the, uh, yeah. | ||
| What, right after him? | ||
| Jamie just went pale on us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He talks about it all morning. | |
| Hey, he's a fucking, he's an enthusiast. | ||
| That's how I look at it. | ||
| Like, sometimes I'm mad. | ||
| I'm mad that, like, the tweets that I throw out there that get, like, the most retweets and favorites are, like, Kim Kardashian jokes. | ||
| That's gonna happen. | ||
| I hate the fact that that's how it is. | ||
| Sometimes I write a tweet where I'm like, oh, this is a good one. | ||
| This is a good joke. | ||
| This is a fun one. | ||
| Did you guys see that the fucking director of X-Men, he quit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He quit Twitter because of all the mean tweets that he got? | ||
| And it's all from social justice warrior types. | ||
| All these people that are angry, they're calling him a sexist and an ableist and transphobic, like all this crazy shit. | ||
| This guy calls himself a feminist. | ||
| I mean, he's like a really sweet, progressive guy, and he got attacked for the way he portrayed Scarlett Johansson's character in the movie. | ||
| It's so fucking crazy. | ||
| Crazy, dude. | ||
| Yeah, like, well, it was that whole thing where, uh, what was it? | ||
| The, uh, Chris Evans and, uh, they got attacked because they called a fictional character. | ||
| A slut. | ||
| Yeah, they called Scarlett Johansson's character a slut. | ||
| And they're like, that's slut shaming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| So if I call the Easter Bunny a cocksucker, are you going to come after me and be like, well, that's just gay bashing? | ||
| What? | ||
| No, it doesn't exist! | ||
| Somebody got this one guy who's like a famous social justice warrior. | ||
| He's such a twat. | ||
| And he was typing in all this shit and putting all these tweets about X-Men, Ultra about it being violent, all these different things like, do you know what the fuck you went to see? | ||
| It's X-Men! | ||
| You went to see a goddamn comic book movie, you dork! | ||
| You didn't go see Anthony Hopkins in Remains of the Day, like you're seeing a fucking X-Men movie! | ||
| He was comparing it to... | ||
| It was really hilarious, actually. | ||
| He was comparing it to war and the attitudes that we have on the military invasion of other countries and the use of aggression. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that a guy you block on Twitter, though? | |
| He takes this guy seriously. | ||
| He blocked me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He blocked me. | |
| I won't mention his name. | ||
| He's like Candyman. | ||
| I won't mention his name because he's such a dork. | ||
| He showed you, Joe. | ||
| But he blacked me without me even mentioning his name. | ||
| I don't mention any of these guys' names anymore because I feel like a lot of these guys... | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| This is why I know that they're attention whores because all of their posts are complaining. | ||
| That's all they're doing is complaining. | ||
| You're not creating. | ||
| Not only are you not creating, you're not contributing, you are just fucking bitching all the time. | ||
| What a miserable cunt you have to be. | ||
| We live in an amazing time. | ||
| You can get video on your phone, you go outside, you hear birds chirp, you meet people, you hug them. | ||
| And all you're doing is complaining about a fucking cartoon movie. | ||
| A cartoonish comic book movie as if somehow or another this is the degradation of the moral fiber of our culture and the degrading of women and dehumanizing. | ||
| What was their message behind the Hulk smashing a Mercedes? | ||
| Is that that we need to not buy foreign cars? | ||
| No! | ||
| It's because it looked fucking cool! | ||
| Cunts. | ||
| That's it! | ||
| Cunts. | ||
| The world's filled with cunts. | ||
| Someone gave me the best advice I ever got for being in show business is, Brad, just remember, nobody cares about you. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That advice sucks. | ||
| I love that advice. | ||
| I love that advice. | ||
| Your parents tell you that? | ||
| Every day of my life. | ||
| I love that advice not for the fact that nobody cares in terms of no one loves you or anything like that, but a lot of these people get in their own heads and it's very narcissistic where it's like, oh, this person tweeted this so this offends me. | ||
| Or how does this affect me? | ||
| Or this person didn't book me on this show so he is mad at me. | ||
| Or there's 22 million comics in LA and he didn't book you on the show that week. | ||
| Calm down. | ||
| Okay, you're talking about a totally different thing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you're just talking about people who are just egomaniacs, who are completely obsessed with themselves. | ||
| Don't be that. | ||
| Yeah, good advice. | ||
| Jamie, can you make some tea, man? | ||
| I got some fucking crazy phlegm going on here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I've got a comic friend of mine, and she told me, she's like, I don't know, I'm really stressing over the fact that some people said something about my Twitter avatar picture, and I think it's holding me back in this business. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Holding me back in this business. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Okay, you're just talking idiots. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| No one's gonna hire you and then looks at your Twitter avatar photo and says, ah, can't hire that person. | ||
| There are people that do believe that, though. | ||
| There's people that believe, you know, you have to have the perfect headshot. | ||
| You have to have this and that. | ||
| I don't even have a fucking headshot. | ||
| I need to get one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to get them together? | |
| No, I mean, I kind of have a photo that I use for Twitter that's my profile picture on Twitter that's probably kind of a headshot. | ||
| But, like, when people say, oh, we need a headshot for a club, they use headshots that are fucking 15 years old. | ||
| I've got to get new ones. | ||
| Anything with hair is old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The San Francisco ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been to clubs where, like, and then Joe Rogan's going to come here, and then they got you with hair. | ||
| I'm like, um... | ||
| With a leather jacket on from the 80s. | ||
| It's basically like your news radio promo pic. | ||
| You're like, really dude, you couldn't find anything else? | ||
| Well, there's just so many fucking, you know, there's so many people out there that have ideas of like what you need to do as a comic or an actor, like what you need to do. | ||
| And it's because they're trying to figure out themselves. | ||
| A part of it, they're trying to like justify their own choices with you, you know, or, you know, I just I feel like this is holding you back, or I feel like this is holding me back, and they're trying to figure it out. | ||
| So they're talking. | ||
| They're just... | ||
| They're just putting it out there just so hopefully they come up with the answer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're exercising their own anxiety, man. | ||
| Just fucking nutty bitches. | ||
| The world's filled with nutty bitches, Brad. | ||
| That's really what's going on. | ||
| I would wholeheartedly agree, Joe Rogan. | ||
| This poor fucking Josh Whedon guy, or Joss Whedon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you say it? | ||
| Whedon? | ||
| W-H-E-D-O-N? How do you say that? | ||
| Whedon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is this person? | |
| This is the guy that directed the X-Men. | ||
| I read some of the tweets and holy fuck did they go after this guy. | ||
| Yeah, but if that happens to me all the time, and you just block it, you don't quit Twitter. | ||
| Why would you quit Twitter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why wouldn't you just block that shit? | |
| Because you're tired of assholes. | ||
| Yeah, I think when it becomes part of your day to go through your Twitter and like, okay, block, block, block, block, block. | ||
| Like, when that becomes, when it's adding stress that you don't have to have, and Joss doesn't need Twitter. | ||
| He directs movies. | ||
| He makes a ton of money. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Well, I think that sometimes it's great. | ||
| I love Twitter. | ||
| I love communicating with people online. | ||
| It's just you take a risk that you're going to run into cunts. | ||
| And if you only run into... | ||
| My opinion on the amount of people that suck is it's a very small amount. | ||
| But if they're a vocally active, very small amount... | ||
| If you look at some of these people, like we were talking about the Social Justice Warrior guys, that guy had fucking 15 tweets about X-Men. | ||
| And I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| Fifteen tweets about how horrible it was and sexist and ableist and all this different stupid fucking shit. | ||
| If you are one person and you have all these comments on the horrible nature of this one particular thing, it's like this guy runs into that and he's fucking tired of it. | ||
| He doesn't want to deal. | ||
| There's, I mean, it's strange because all these social media platforms, like you say, they're unbelievable in terms of the fact that you can communicate with anyone. | ||
| You could get, because before, you didn't know how to get an access to someone that you were a fan of or that you watched on TV. You wouldn't know how to do it. | ||
| You've got to go through a publicist. | ||
| You've got to write a fan club. | ||
| You didn't know what to do. | ||
| Now you can instantly say something to anyone and they have a good possibility of seeing it. | ||
| That part is unbelievable. | ||
| But then you have so much else that comes with it where now because people have that voice, now they feel like people need to hear their voice constantly in whatever topic that might be. | ||
| Rather be, I got offended at this personal thing. | ||
| Everyone needs to know, I was offended by that. | ||
| Everyone needs to stop and acknowledge. | ||
| They're trying to get social points. | ||
| So when they're complaining about something or calling something sexist or calling something homophobic or whatever they're doing, sometimes they're complaining, but oftentimes what they're doing is they're trying to show you that they know that something's bad, which makes them of a high moral fiber. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They're trying to show you that they're a very moral person with really strong, intelligent opinions, and that these assholes, these Neanderthals that are ruining the world, they're below them. | ||
| Yeah, I get that because I say the word midget a lot, and that is apparently a horrible word. | ||
| Dude, you got a fucking green light to say midget like I got a green light to say guinea, okay? | ||
| If anybody gets mad at me for calling Italians guineas, you know my last name is Rogan. | ||
| I am mostly Italian, so fuck you. | ||
| And if you don't think they're guineas, you need to meet my fucking relatives. | ||
| I'll show you some pictures of some grown men with gold chains, okay? | ||
| Like, yeah, but I get attacked all the time for saying the word midget in my act, and it's just like... | ||
| And people say like, don't, aren't you concerned about the message that you're sending, that this word is okay? | ||
| And I was like, I don't, why is it bad? | ||
| I'm still trying to figure out why people don't like that word. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| I think it's a language police issue. | ||
| There's people that try to get rid of bossy, remember that? | ||
| They tried to get rid of Bossy a couple years ago. | ||
| They gave it a hard push, too. | ||
| And everybody went, fuck you! | ||
| No, that's enough. | ||
| I think we need to do that on a lot of people complaining about certain words that we can't say. | ||
| But that shows you. | ||
| Why would anybody want to get rid of Bossy? | ||
| Is Bossy really so strong? | ||
| Didn't they say it was sexist or something? | ||
| They're saying that they use the word bossy to describe women, the women that are powerful or women that are strong and in charge, that they're bossy and that you're demeaning them and trying to marginalize them in some sort of way. | ||
| And, you know, women are like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Ban bossy. | ||
| When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a leader. | ||
| Yet when a girl does it, she's risked being branded bossy. | ||
| Words like bossy send a message. | ||
| Don't raise your hand or speak up. | ||
| By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys. | ||
| Listen, man, there's a lot of that that's social, there's a lot of that that's learned behavior, and there's a lot of that that's biological. | ||
| And that's a fact. | ||
| And that's why it exists in almost every culture. | ||
| There's very few matriarchal cultures. | ||
| Very few cultures that are run by women. | ||
| And that doesn't mean that women are less than men. | ||
| That just means that you've got to stop trying to make everybody even. | ||
| Because we're not even when it comes to child rearing. | ||
| We're not even when it comes to breastfeeding. | ||
| We're not even when it comes to nurturing. | ||
| We're not even when it comes to emotional intelligence. | ||
| Women are superior to men in a lot of ways. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And, you know, if you try to make everybody the same, you're going to have a fucking bullshit world that doesn't exist. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you say, like, I think there was a story recently about a woman firefighter that got hired just because, like, they needed a woman firefighter. | ||
| And it's like, you're going down a slope where it's like, if I'm stuck in a burning building... | ||
| Like, hey, if she can run up there, granted I don't weigh a lot, but if she can come up there and throw me over her shoulder and get me out of there just as fast, fantastic. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| I want her there then. | ||
| But if you're just trying to fill a quota, if you're like, well, HBO Sports... | ||
| Just did something where it was like, there's not enough blacks in baseball. | ||
| Like, there's not enough black people in baseball. | ||
| We need to get more black people in baseball. | ||
| It's like, well, if the Dominicans can throw faster and hit harder, that's who I want in baseball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fine. | |
| You know what, man? | ||
| Why are you forcing it? | ||
| I think there's certain issues with sports where there is some sort of segregation, where there is some sort of discrimination. | ||
| I don't know that that's one of them. | ||
| I don't know if they're trying to keep black people out. | ||
| I bet polo. | ||
| How many fucking black people are playing polo? | ||
| You might want to look in a polo. | ||
| Well, cricket is a lot of people of color because a lot of Indians, people in India love cricket, man. | ||
| They're like some of the best cricket players in the world. | ||
| That was that stupid movie where they recruited cricket players to come over to America to pitch. | ||
| Remember that stupid movie? | ||
| John Hamm. | ||
| It was like a love story because there was a guy and a girl and he was struggling trying to get it together and the fucking girl and him fall in love and the Indian guys helped him. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm going to start my own campaign. | ||
| There's not enough dwarves in baseball. | ||
| There's not enough. | ||
| How about any sport? | ||
| Yeah, we're not represented. | ||
| There's none in the NBA. Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck, Joe? | ||
| What the fuck indeed. | ||
| What the fuck indeed. | ||
| What's wrong with my people? | ||
| And then, when transgender people get into women's sports, if you don't support that, then you're a piece of shit. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| Yeah, you got a lot of flack for that, didn't you? | ||
| Just the fighter thing. | ||
| Just the one about the woman. | ||
| I'm pretty much cool with it in almost every other way. | ||
| We did talk about that woman who used to be a man who's 6'6 and 50 years old is playing college basketball, which I think is ridiculous. | ||
| First of all, because she essentially has given a redo for her whole life. | ||
| She already used up her college credits. | ||
| You can only play college sports for so long, but the... | ||
| The dig is, or the loophole is, you can only play college sports as a man. | ||
| Now when you change your name and become a woman, now all of a sudden you get a whole new college sports career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yes. | ||
| So this man lived as a man, played sports as a man, lived to be 50, got a sex change, which I'm fully in support of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I want to say. | ||
| This is super important. | ||
| I'm not in any way saying that someone shouldn't be able to do that, but what I am saying is when it comes to athletic competition, you got a 50 year old man playing fucking college basketball against 18 year old girls. | ||
| If that's your daughter, And your daughter, she can't perform to the best of her abilities because it's unfair. | ||
| Because you have this giant fucking man, who's now a woman, who's 50, who's had full testosterone for 47 fucking years, or whatever the hell it is, before she became a man, or became a woman. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| That's where sensitivity and progressiveness goes too far. | ||
| But at least then, no one's getting hurt. | ||
| Where's the fight game? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I had a huge fucking problem with, and still do, and most people do too. | ||
| And by the way, a lot of fucking transgender people have an issue with that. | ||
| The people who don't have an issue with that, or have an issue with me, are the super progressive, ultra-liberal, social justice warrior types. | ||
| That they don't have a dog in the fight. | ||
| It's not even that, man. | ||
| They want the opportunity to call someone a bigot. | ||
| They can't wait. | ||
| They just can't wait to get upset. | ||
| They're just looking for the opportunity to call someone a piece of shit. | ||
| There's actually a surgery that you can have to lengthen your limbs. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that on a thing in China. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, dude. | |
| It's rough. | ||
| It takes forever. | ||
| Yeah, it takes forever. | ||
| And you're in pain. | ||
| It's literally, they put braces on your arms and legs. | ||
| Every day, you turn a little crank. | ||
| And that crank separates your bones by a millimeter. | ||
| Well, they cut your bones, first of all. | ||
| They cut your bones, and then they put this crazy brace with these screws on it. | ||
| They did this guy in China who couldn't get a girlfriend. | ||
| And, you know, he changed his height from, like, 4'11 to, like, 5'3. | ||
| But it took years. | ||
| It took years. | ||
| And the guy was in agony. | ||
| Every day, you're breaking your arm and leg, and then the bone grows and regrows overnight. | ||
| We were talking about the Bill Burr bit earlier, where it's like, hey, just wait until they get good at it. | ||
| Fucking wait until they get good at the limb lengthening surgery, guys. | ||
| Holy shit, because I've seen the people. | ||
| There's no other alternatives, though. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I would never get that. | ||
| I do not need to ride a roller coaster that bad. | ||
| But let me ask you this. | ||
| If they could do it, like, say if they could do it and it was a one-time thing, it took a year, like, I had ACL reconstruction, that took like six months, and someone said, oh man, I wouldn't even get the surgery. | ||
| I'm like, but I go through the six months and then my knee works again. | ||
| Like, if someone could do that, if they could give you a surgery, and you would be in pain for like a year, but after that year, you would be, you know... | ||
| Five, six, whatever. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| See, that's a really interesting question. | ||
| First of all, I would have to write a whole new act. | ||
| Would you, though? | ||
| Well, I mean... | ||
| You could write an act about how you used to be a dwarf. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You had a crazy operation. | ||
| Right, and this is why. | ||
| For a year, you're popping pain pills like Tic Tacs. | ||
| I mean, if that surgery existed, and it was, I could take the pill, or whatever, and then just be 5'6", the next day, and not... | ||
| Because now the guys that have that limb lengthening surgery, they look like you've had limb lengthening surgery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird? | |
| Yeah, you have like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see a photo. | |
| Yeah, you're... | ||
| Well, the mechanics are all wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, your shins are longer than your upper thigh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| So it just looks... | ||
| Like, you look at someone like that, and you're just like, that's... | ||
| He's off or she's off in some way. | ||
| Well, there's a natural sort of like... | ||
| When you look at a person's body, there's a natural distance that most... | ||
| I mean, you have people that have some extra long arms or extra wide shoulders or extra long legs. | ||
| But generally speaking, it looks fairly normal. | ||
| But then some folks, they get this surgery and what they're doing is they're taking your shin bone and they're stretching that bitch out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| So your shin is like, you know, an extra couple inches longer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not funny. | |
| It takes a long time, too, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they do anything with, like, the snail dick and the spikes and stuff like that? | |
| Wait, snail dick and spikes? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Oh, is this, like, a stereotype about dwarves that doesn't necessarily exist? | ||
| Do you have a normal-sized dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was saying that all dwarves have snail dicks with spikes on it. | |
| Spikes? | ||
| Why spikes? | ||
| What, so my cock is like a medieval weapon? | ||
| Why would you say that like it's normal? | ||
| Does that make sense to you? | ||
| Oh yeah, snail dick with spikes. | ||
| You're not even qualified, it's so lazy. | ||
| But to answer your question, yeah, I would probably do that. | ||
| I'd probably, because there's health things that I'm going to go through that I'm already going through that your average-sized people don't have to go through. | ||
| Like what kind of things are you going through? | ||
| Surgery on my legs because my legs were bowed and so I had to have surgery on them to like straighten them up because they were unhealthily bowed like I looked like I was a fucking croquet wicket and then I have back problems now like granted everyone has back problems it seems like but I've like because my spine I've got not scoliosis, but what is it called like? | ||
| Stenosis? | ||
| Yeah, where it's curved on the very bottom and I don't know, because stenosis is like a shortening of the nerve canal. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's probably something different. | ||
| Yeah, I've got something where my spine curves at the bottom. | ||
| There's a lot of little people that have breathing problems. | ||
| I'm thankfully not one of those. | ||
| But yeah, there's a lot of dwarfs that have back surgeries, like neck surgeries. | ||
| And also, these necks are holding up these ginormous heads that we have. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| There's a mechanical difference between that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| When you have the surgery for your legs, what do they do? | ||
| I had what's called a domosteotomy, where they carve a dome shape into my bone, and then they just move the bone. | ||
| They just kind of... | ||
| You know, and then they just straighten it up and I had to be in a wheelchair for about like eight months But yeah, when did you have that done junior high? | ||
| So right when you're trying to get cool I was in a wheelchair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was awesome That's fucking crazy. | |
| Yeah, and and I've been lucky like like the fact that I've only had essentially one major dwarf related surgery That's pretty rare for a 31 year old little person like there's a lot of us that have more surgeries than that and So, in that way, yeah, I would absolutely do the magical surgery that made me not. | ||
| It doesn't exist. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't exist. | ||
| Jamie, see if you can find that piece that they did on people in China that got that limb lengthening surgery, because it was really disturbing. | ||
| This poor guy, he wanted his face blurred out, but he was just talking about how he was hoping that he could get a woman, that someday a woman would talk to him. | ||
| Dude, I'm 4'4". | ||
| I get laid. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Yeah, but you're a comic. | ||
| That's the difference, man. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| It does help. | ||
| That's a lot, dude. | ||
| We've all seen some pretty ugly comics that have hot chicks. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is everyone looking at me? | |
| You're not ugly. | ||
| You're just a slob. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Is this it? | ||
| Bone stretching. | ||
| Yeah, so this is it, man. | ||
| Yeah, this is the piece. | ||
| Crank this up. | ||
| It's from Nat Geo, so if I play it, it might get us... | ||
| If you play it, like, the volume? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, the volume. | |
| Yeah, just play the volume of it so we can listen to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Tallness is a word? | ||
| Fucking sizists. | ||
| Tallness. | ||
| Isn't it height? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, there it is. | |
| Oh, there's girls getting it done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're not even dwarfs! | |
| Fudan is given a local anesthetic, which means he will be awake for the two-hour long procedure. | ||
| Oh, fuck me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's a drill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck no. | |
| He's doing it with a wire saw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Brian's surrounded by this. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| They are hammering into this guy's shin. | ||
| Meanwhile, this guy's awake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is definitely something you're going to look back and go, that's medieval. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 20 years from now. | ||
| God. | ||
| You can hear what he says here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My bad. | |
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Out of their legs. | ||
| They're taking them out of their legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now the patient can walk away by herself. | |
| What? | ||
| Now I feel more natural, more normal. | ||
| Oh, do you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I feel much happier. | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many taller is she? | |
| Four inches? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's all four inches in your chin. | ||
| In your shin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Inches. | |
| That's it. | ||
| Not a foot. | ||
| Here's homeboy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Now, when they say four inches, it's all four inches in your shins. | ||
| Like, imagine if your shin grew that much. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, that can't be... | ||
| Like, your shin can't maintain the same amount of strength and, like... | ||
| Well, definitely. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, it's all bone. | ||
| I don't think that's the issue. | ||
| I think the issue is the mechanics of your body are going to be different. | ||
| Especially if you do any kind of sport. | ||
| It's like you're standing on stilts. | ||
| Just a little extra there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, why wouldn't you just get four inches put on your shoe, you know? | |
| He wants to be naked and taller, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But, like, that's the part that, like, that whole process, we saw a two-minute clip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a year, at least, or, like, between 8 to 12, like, 8 to 14 months of doing that for four freaking inches. | ||
| Well, maybe she could do it with her upper leg and get eight inches. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Her freaky-ass legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| And then do it on your back, stretch your fucking back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Imagine you don't see your friend for like a couple of years and all of a sudden they're 6'2". | ||
| Like, dude, you used to be 5'5". | ||
| What the fuck happened? | ||
| Surgery, man. | ||
| Dude, I've been doing a lot of shit. | ||
| Like, and... | ||
| And that's the thing that trips me out too, is like, these are advertised people that are just like five, three, or whatever, that are getting the surgery. | ||
| When dwarves do it, we still have the disproportionate body. | ||
| So you can still tell, it's like, oh, that, like, you don't suddenly become like a normal looking person. | ||
| Like, you look like a dwarf that was stretched out in a fucking taffy machine. | ||
| Like, it's not like everything now fits and looks as it should. | ||
| Well, for someone who is a dwarf, they would literally have to stretch out almost all of your body, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It would have to be a thing where you're in just constant agony. | ||
| Yeah, arms-less. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They've done it on this woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And she's got achondroplasia. | ||
| On the left, but then, like, look at how the thighs on the right, like, when she's had the limb lengthening, your ass and thighs are still those dwarf ass and thighs, which are fucking huge. | ||
| They're massive, so that just, it looks like she has a weird thyroid problem now. | ||
| Well, it's also, she's only lengthened her shins, right? | ||
| Is that what happened there? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| It looks like her upper legs are longer as well. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Limb lengthening surgery creates controversy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gee. | ||
| X-Men creates fucking controversy. | ||
| Yeah, you think? | ||
| Okay, here it goes. | ||
| Three foot ten inches tall. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Cruise associated with any challenges, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| I was having hip problems, knee problems, back problems because of how bowed my legs were. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| That's what you had to This is accomplished with a series of three controversial bone lengthening procedures using technology developed in Southern California with such procedures. | ||
| Patients' bones in the arms and legs are surgically broken and increasingly separated over a period of months. | ||
| The body generates new bone to fill the gap, thus making the bones longer. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Does it say what her... | ||
| 13 inches taller. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's pretty... | |
| $100,000. | ||
| Four years. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Four years to do it. | ||
| Wow, she became 13 inches taller. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| For me, that would go from four foot four to five foot five. | ||
| Dude, you'd be like almost my height. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You'd be three inches shorter than me. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| No, fuck no. | ||
| You do it. | ||
| Actually, I think if I was a small person, I would just stay small. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's great. | |
| I don't have any problem with that. | ||
| If your dick's the same size and everything, I would embrace being a small person. | ||
| I mean, I, like, I understand the things that drive these people to do it because, and, like, for me, no matter what I do in this business, if I become a famous actor doing movies or whatever, stand-up specials, whatever, I'm still gonna walk down the street and kids are still gonna see me and go, Mommy, what's that? | ||
| Mommy, what's wrong with him? | ||
| Like, what's up? | ||
| And so that never, that never stops if you're a dwarf. | ||
| Never. | ||
| And so I kind of get what drives people to do it. | ||
| They're just so depressed and so, like, because they think that's going to stop and now their lives are just going to be perfect, but... | ||
| Well, you're always going to have that. | ||
| I mean, there's people that are beautiful that fuck with their face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We don't have to name names, but we know beautiful women that have gotten their lips shot up with things and fucked their faces up. | ||
| People are crazy, man. | ||
| And if you start fixating on anything, you start fixating on, God, my shoulders should be like this. | ||
| I wish my shoulders were like this. | ||
| They need to go upper. | ||
| There was a video that I was watching the other day about this guy in Brazil that almost had to have his arms removed. | ||
| It's been circulating. | ||
| Because he does this thing called synthol. | ||
| Do you know what synthol is? | ||
| Bodybuilders use it to pretend that they have bigger muscles than they are. | ||
| So what they do is they inject their body with this oil. | ||
| And this oil makes their muscles bulge out in this really weird, unnatural way. | ||
| Like an infection. | ||
| It swells. | ||
| Right, looks like he was bit by a spider or something. | ||
| Yeah, look at this guy. | ||
| Oh, fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Steve-O! Yeah. | |
| He has two turtles in his shoulders. | ||
| Yeah, and not only are they turtles, not only does he look weird and crazy, but it's totally out of proportion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, you look at his waist and the whole thing is like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| It's like, you're sick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks goofy. | |
| Why would he think that even looks good? | ||
| Well, why do you think women that have giant breast implants think that those things look good? | ||
| Yeah, they've got like, I've got double D's, but then I think I could go bigger. | ||
| There's a lot of women like that, man. | ||
| It's just like anorexia. | ||
| Just like certain bodybuilders. | ||
| People have body dysmorphia, where they look at their body and it becomes an issue. | ||
| They just can't stop fucking with their body. | ||
| They can't stop fucking with their nose. | ||
| Like, I know a girl who's ruined her nose, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She had a beautiful nose. | ||
| It was just kind of a little big, but she was pretty. | ||
| You know, there's nothing wrong with her. | ||
| And then I saw her like a year ago. | ||
| They don't see the pretty face. | ||
| It looked like a ski slope. | ||
| Like there was something missing from the middle of her nose. | ||
| It's like, fuck... | ||
| Don't do that! | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| I feel sorry for the people that go through it. | ||
| I can't imagine just nitpicking so much. | ||
| Well, you probably have a level of body acceptance that other people don't. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's a certain amount that you just have to deal with that other people don't have to deal with. | ||
| So when you hear people complaining about stupid shit, My ears are too little. | ||
| You shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, my calves aren't big enough. | ||
| Fucker, I'm four feet tall. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You're going to tell me? | ||
| Yeah, it's like, sometimes people come up to me after shows, and they're like, wow, Brad, what you said on stage, I really was touched and moved by it, because I go through a lot of that, because I'm 5'4", and I'm a guy, and I'm like, do you realize what I would do to be 5'4"? | ||
| What horrible things I would do behind a dumpster to be 5'4"? | ||
| Five foot four. | ||
| And you're out there like, oh man, I'm starting to accept myself as five foot four because of you. | ||
| Do you pay attention to all of the scientific research that's being done and genetic engineering and changing? | ||
| Is there anything that's... | ||
| Yeah, like, they actually identified the dwarf gene. | ||
| Like, they've been able to identify the gene that causes dwarfism. | ||
| And this debate has gone on as the technology keeps getting closer to the point where we can actually do this. | ||
| But there's some debate going is if we can remove that gene. | ||
| If we can prevent your child from having dwarfism, should we? | ||
| And a lot of dwarves are like, no, we shouldn't do it. | ||
| It's playing God. | ||
| And I'm there going, yeah, you should absolutely remove it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Why would you want your kid to go through... | ||
| I mean, granted, I've been lucky. | ||
| Like I said, I've only had like one... | ||
| Surgery, and I made a good career with the hand that I was dealt, but there's a lot of little people I know that haven't, that don't, and then get constantly made fun of their entire lives or hidden away by their parents. | ||
| Why would you want your kid to go through that? | ||
| And as a dwarf, you know what struggles that you had growing up. | ||
| Why would you intentionally put those pains on your child? | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| It's hard to understand a lot of decisions that people make. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of rationalizations that people make. | ||
| Like, one reason that I'm able to be a comedian and sort of have this sense of humor about it is because my dad was amazing. | ||
| Is amazing. | ||
| Like, When I was born, he found out that I was going to be a dwarf, so he would go to these LPA, Little People of America meetings, and he would find out about it, and he was like, oh shit, my kid's going to get made fun of a lot. | ||
| His life is going to be weird. | ||
| So his philosophy was, when I was growing up, he would make fun of me first, but he would do it in a supportive way. | ||
| He would fuck with me, but then say, okay, I just insulted you. | ||
| Hit me back with something. | ||
| Hit me back because this is going to happen to you later. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So he's like training you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So by the time I got to kindergarten, I remember kindergarten walking in and a kid just laughing at me going, ha ha, you're little. | ||
| And I looked at him and went, ha ha, your mom doesn't live with your dad anymore. | ||
| In kindergarten? | ||
| In kindergarten. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the hell? | |
| And fucking, like, I got sent to the principal's office for, like, hurting this kid's feelings. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, like, they called my dad. | ||
| They're like, we're gonna call your father. | ||
| I'm like, fucking do it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He turned you to be a comedian, kind of. | |
| He did! | ||
| Because now, like, when I get a heckler, it's like, do you think you're gonna say anything to me that I haven't heard on the street? | ||
| That I haven't heard walking down and some kid haven't, like, saying a comment? | ||
| Like, I've had... | ||
| I've had parents bring their children up to me when the line is too long at the mall Santa and go, hey, tell this guy what you want. | ||
| I've had that happen to me. | ||
| They came up, they said, tell this guy what you want when you were just a regular guy at the mall. | ||
| Yes, because they're like, well, he knows Santa, so you could talk to him, and then he'll give the message to Santa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I've had that. | ||
| What did you say to them? | ||
| I tell this story in my special, which, hey, I'll plug it now. | ||
| My one-hour comedy special, Brad Williams Fun Size, comes out on Showtime, May 8th. | ||
| So watch it, record it, and Showtime's going to replay the shit out of it. | ||
| So you'll have plenty of chances to see it. | ||
| Anyway, but what happened was, is this guy came up with this kid and was like, you see, son? | ||
| He's working undercover for Santa. | ||
| He's out here finding out who's naughty and nice, and he's going to go back and tell... | ||
| And, like, I knew in that moment where if I get pissed off, now this kid, who doesn't know anything about dwarfism, his first interaction is going to be with someone angry. | ||
| And that's going to be what he thinks all dwarves are. | ||
| That's going to be his first interaction. | ||
| So I can't get pissed off. | ||
| I can't get angry. | ||
| Because that's... | ||
| I'm setting the precedent. | ||
| So what I did was, I looked at the kid and went, you're absolutely right. | ||
| I am... | ||
| I am working undercover. | ||
| I'm going around seeing who's naughty and nice, but guess what? | ||
| You've been really good. | ||
| What do you want more than anything in the world? | ||
| And the kid's like, I want an Xbox. | ||
| And I looked right at the dad and went, guess what? | ||
| You're getting an Xbox. | ||
| And the dad's like, I don't know about this. | ||
| I'm like, what else do you want? | ||
| And the dad's like waving like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He's like, I really want a bike. | ||
| I'm like, you're getting a bike too! | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| You're getting one! | ||
| And I told the kid, I'm like, the only way that you don't get these things is if your parents failed to file the proper paperwork. | ||
| So then he looks at Dad, like, did you file the proper paperwork, Dad? | ||
| And Dad's like, oh, of course I did! | ||
| You son of a bitch! | ||
| Like, it was so... | ||
| What a douchey guy. | ||
| Yeah, then the Dad, like, gets mad at me. | ||
| And it's like, what? | ||
| You brought this on yourself, fucker? | ||
| Yeah, it's not like you came to get a service somewhere. | ||
| No! | ||
| I wasn't dressed in the outfit, like, alright, if I come to the mall and I've got pointy shoes on and pointy ears, I can't get pissed when you say, tell them what you want for Christmas. | ||
| I can't get mad. | ||
| Well, that's fucked up. | ||
| You can't even wear pointy shoes. | ||
| What if you're into, like, those little Ali Baba shoes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Mexican pointy shoes? | |
| You know, what if you're into some cool shoes, man? | ||
| Right! | ||
| Your style's restricted because of your height? | ||
| That seems ridiculous. | ||
| Because if it was like a fucking, you know, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar-sized dude with pointy shoes, no one's going to say anything. | ||
| It's a genie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No one's going to say that guy works for Santa. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's fucked up, man. | ||
| I can't work. | ||
| That's racist. | ||
| That's sizist. | ||
| I can't go through life with pointe shoes. | ||
| Is sizist an expression that gets used? | ||
| I heard... | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I forgot what show it was. | ||
| Some TV shows said it. | ||
| Oh, I think it was The League. | ||
| I think the league on FX said sizist, and I just heard that. | ||
| I'm like, that's pretty good. | ||
| I'm going to start using that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sizist. | |
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| There's a million different ists now. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's getting weird. | ||
| Well, everyone has to find a way for them to be offended. | ||
| So you have to create what applies to you, so now you can complain like the rest of us. | ||
| I'm hoping this is temporary. | ||
| I'm hoping this ultra complainy society, ultra whiny stage we're going through is just a side effect of people learning how to use the internet. | ||
| Sort of like how people didn't know how to not get crazy in the 90s, like in the internet. | ||
| People didn't know how to, you know, people get upset at things and they overreact and freak out. | ||
| They just didn't know how to deal with people insulting them. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I'm wondering if it's because have we gotten to a point where Because I doubt that in third world countries they're having a debate of should we say bossy? | ||
| Like, do you think those people who are trying to get food, who don't have clean water, who don't have vaccinations are like, okay, I know all this shit's going on, but we've got to stop saying the word bossy. | ||
| Like, we've got to focus on that. | ||
| I think it's a lack of problems, and the human being is a dramatic animal, so we create this. | ||
| We create these problems out of nowhere just so we feel like we're struggling against something. | ||
| There's certainly a lot of that. | ||
| There's certainly a lot of people that just have it too soft. | ||
| It's too easy. | ||
| The ability to tweet 15 times about X-Men shows me that you either have no fucking friends, too much free time, or your career is being a cunt online. | ||
| Yeah, that's all you do. | ||
| One of those things. | ||
| Either you got family money, or you just don't care about money, or you don't have the real problems in your life. | ||
| Those same people 20 years ago, what were they, picketers? | ||
| No, they didn't exist. | ||
| It's too hard. | ||
| Picketing, you have to actually do something. | ||
| You have to show someone, you have to look people in the eye. | ||
| If you're standing outside of an abortion clinic, or you're picketing in front of a warehouse that's non-union, you gotta make fucking contact with people. | ||
| You gotta interact with people. | ||
| Organize, you have to be good at arts and crafts, so you have a sign that's halfway decent. | ||
| All you have to do when you want online is just find other cunts, and you gravitate through forums or Twitter groups, and you just cunt it up together. | ||
| That's what you're getting a lot. | ||
| Hashtag cunt it up together, Joe Rogan. | ||
| It's also like you create this negative ripple for no reason, really. | ||
| You can enjoy a movie or not enjoy a movie. | ||
| You can write a review about a movie, but this idea that you... | ||
| If I go see a movie that sucks... | ||
| That I did not like. | ||
| I'll walk out of there going, well, I didn't like that movie. | ||
| If I go eat at a restaurant that's shitty, I'm just gonna say, well, I'm not going back to that restaurant. | ||
| I'm not gonna go online and start this campaign of, everyone must think like me, everyone must not go to this restaurant, everyone's gotta not see this movie. | ||
| Fuck you if you like Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. Hey, if you like Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, more power to ya. | ||
| It does not affect me. | ||
| You enjoying that movie does not have any repercussions on my life. | ||
| At all. | ||
| So I don't care. | ||
| Like whatever movie you want to watch. | ||
| You like. | ||
| Enjoy whatever comic. | ||
| In terms of the feud that you had with Ned, some people are like, you have to be either a Joe Rogan fan or a Carlos Mencia fan. | ||
| You can be a fan of both. | ||
| You can be a fan of Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| That's where I draw along. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're talking crazy talk. | |
| Yeah, you're talking nonsense. | ||
| But like, you could be a fan of Lair the Cable Guy and Bill Burr. | ||
| Yeah, but they don't hate each other. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| There's a difference there. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| There's a difference there. | ||
| Apparently I was saying X-Men earlier. | ||
| It's Avengers. | ||
| Did I say X-Men? | ||
| Was I saying X-Men? | ||
| Oh, you're getting those tweets. | ||
| It's all the same shit to me. | ||
| It's comic books. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, but it's just like... | ||
| People who enjoy a certain music, if you enjoy the band, name your band that is supposedly shitty. | ||
| KISS. Sure. | ||
| I love KISS. Done. | ||
| I've had people get angry at me because I love KISS. Fuck off, you and the Pixies can suck it. | ||
| They're such a simple band, they can't play, so they have to use pyrotechnics and facial makeup to cover the fact that they're shitty musicians. | ||
| It's like, or I can listen to their music and it makes me happy. | ||
| Yeah, or you're moody. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're just a moody bitch and you need people to cry in their songs. | ||
| Hey, guess what? | ||
| Sometimes I like listening to Motorhead. | ||
| Sometimes I like listening to Sade. | ||
| Sometimes I like listening to her. | ||
| I think you have to say it different than that, though. | ||
| Sade. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shaka. | |
| Smooth. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes I like that. | ||
| Sometimes I want to rock and roll all night and party every day. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| You fuck. | ||
| Whenever I accomplish anything halfway decent in my career, and this is absolutely true, I go into my car, I play Katy Perry's Firework, I roll down the window, and I lip sync the shit out of that song. | ||
| I don't like you as much. | ||
| I go nuts with that song! | ||
| Isn't it funny, though, when people actually do do that? | ||
| They don't like people for their choices, like, oh, you fucking listen to that? | ||
| Like, there was a guy that had a fucking bit about that way back in Boston. | ||
| Oh, it was Barry Crimmins. | ||
| Barry Crimmins, a hilarious comedian who, um, Bobcat Goldthwait has a documentary that he did about him, because apparently Barry was, like, molested when he was younger. | ||
| He's got a documentary called Call Me Lucky, or They Call Me Lucky. | ||
| It's supposed to be like really dark and really good. | ||
| You know, Bobcat is awesome. | ||
| Great filmmaker. | ||
| But anyway, he had a bit about going to the record store, and the clerk at the record store was like, you listening to this? | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| It brings me joy. | ||
| That doesn't affect you in any way whatsoever. | ||
| Yeah, get out of here. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's Barry Crimmins. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What are they doing with their pose there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It looks like they're trying to look like dwarves. | ||
| It looks like they're trying to look like gorillas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gorillas are standing up on their back legs. | |
| Yeah, Barry Crimmins was like, back when I was starting out, I was an open-miker. | ||
| He was already an established comedian. | ||
| He was like one of the... | ||
| Did you start in Boston, too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was one of the, like, the main guard of, like, the established comedians in Boston, like, the established headliners, like, really, really respected guy, very original, political, very political, just very, just very wise guy, had some really good things to say. | ||
| He's really good to follow on Twitter, too. | ||
| His Twitter is filled with very good points, and also he'll tweet some great articles and stuff and different things. | ||
| But Bobcat also started out in Boston, so Bob, he did this documentary on Barry. | ||
| And I don't think it comes out for a couple months, but I think right now they're touring and doing the festival thing and trying to get it up there. | ||
| Fantastic, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll... | |
| Put that fucking thing down and contribute. | ||
| Just be a part of the show, will you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna periscope a little. | |
| Oh, I'm gonna periscope? | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Now, do you, like, consume all, like, movies or whatever that's stand-up related? | ||
| Like, can you watch, like, the new Kevin Pollak one? | ||
| What's the new Kevin Pollak one? | ||
| Something around people being miserable or something Misery Loves... | ||
| Comedy Loves Misery or something like that? | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| Yeah, like, I've got that queued up ready to go when I get home. | ||
| So it's like, I love all those types of movies. | ||
| I like some of them, but we're around comedy all the time. | ||
| I don't need someone to tell me what comedy is. | ||
| And I don't need someone... | ||
| It's just like the idea that do comedians have to be miserable? | ||
| Let's explore this. | ||
| I have friends that aren't miserable, but they're comedians. | ||
| I don't have to explore that. | ||
| I mean, yeah, because you know. | ||
| Or it's like you can just sit back and enjoy their art and say, like, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you have to go into the mental state of Jackson Pollock? | ||
| Or can you just sit back and be like, wow, those are some cool paintings? | ||
| Yeah, well, I mean, I don't think there's a problem with exploring whether or not comedians are miserable. | ||
| It's just, I don't want to do it. | ||
| I don't need to do it. | ||
| I don't like that idea either that you could just lump everybody together. | ||
| Like, are all musicians dickheads? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Some musicians are dickheads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| What was that thing you sent me the other day? | ||
| A Stone Temple Pilots guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh my god, Scott Whelan was either wasted on something, but that was sad to watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not in the band anymore, right? | |
| They kicked him out. | ||
| They kicked him out. | ||
| Now the lead singer of Linkin Park is touring with him. | ||
| Wasn't that the same banjo that you saw at a private party, like a UFC party? | ||
| Well, this is Dana White's birthday party. | ||
| His 40th birthday, I think it was. | ||
| And goddammit, dude, they fucking nailed it. | ||
| They did that show at a private party, there was only a few hundred people there, and they did that show as if it was a packed arena. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I mean, he did the whole, he had the bullhorn, you know, he does like some of his songs, he sings some of it, like to change the sound of his voice, he sings into a bullhorn. | ||
| It was Scott Weiland? | ||
| Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| STP. Let me hear this. | ||
| Is this at the party? | ||
| Oh, I can tell you right now, that guy, he can't even balance correctly. | ||
| That dude is... | ||
| He's on something. | ||
| He's on some hair-on, as Joe Diaz would say. | ||
| Look at him dancing. | ||
| Yeah, he's moving in slow motion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah I bet he's having a good time though Sure. | |
| Yeah, oh my god, he's tripping. | ||
| Let me hear this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's one note. | |
| He's just... | ||
| He's heroned out of his mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at his eyes. | |
| Dead eyes. | ||
| What I saw was the total opposite of this. | ||
| You saw, like, jumping around and moving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was crushing it. | |
| I mean, he was crushing it. | ||
| I was really, really... | ||
| You know, I have no musical talent at all, so I love watching musicians, because you watch musicians, you can kind of get this... | ||
| Inspiration from them that's totally unrelated to what you do. | ||
| I was really impressed with him as a performer, just as an artist. | ||
| I was like, this guy's fucking bringing it! | ||
| He's showing up to some private party. | ||
| They probably got a fucking ass load of money. | ||
| But apparently he was a nightmare to deal with backstage. | ||
| They were threatening to walk if the show didn't start right now. | ||
| There was all this craziness to it. | ||
| He wasn't chill about the experience at all. | ||
| But... | ||
| But, you know, maybe he's amped up to get up there, because once he got up there, he was fucking smashing it. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| It was so tight and smooth, and everything he was doing was just energetic and focused. | ||
| I was super, super, super impressed. | ||
| It's cool when you can see someone who's really in their element, and you're like, oh yeah, you were absolutely put on this planet to be a rock star. | ||
| This is what you do, and you're fantastic. | ||
| Well, I would never say that, but I would say he's nailing it. | ||
| He's whatever it is that takes to be a rock star. | ||
| That guy is in that groove. | ||
| He's in that headspace. | ||
| He's worked really hard. | ||
| He's done all the preparation necessary, and he's producing it at a very, very high level. | ||
| That's one thing I definitely would say. | ||
| I don't think anybody's born to be a rock star or born to be a poet or any of that. | ||
| There's a lot of silliness when it comes to that kind of shit. | ||
| I think some people's personalities, because of whatever reason, are better suited for certain activities. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| I don't think anybody's born to do anything, you know? | ||
| They just kind of discover where their talents or where their personality can sort of fit the best, and then they just accelerate. | ||
| I mean, find what you enjoy and do it. | ||
| I mean, like, for you. | ||
| Like, you know, you're in college. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Mencia brings you on stage, you say funny shit, and then you realize, I could be funny. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, the next thing you know, I mean, what was that process like? | ||
| Did you get home and start writing? | ||
| Did you start watching comedy? | ||
| Like, what did you do? | ||
| I consumed everything. | ||
| Like, that one moment? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one blip? | ||
| Just because I got a laugh, and it was... | ||
| It was a sold-out improv, and I was just like, wow, this is... | ||
| I mean, you know, the drug of stand-up, of being on stage and saying something, and then having a whole room of strangers just laugh. | ||
| And that, and for me, I've always used laughter as kind of a defense mechanism, because when I meet people, I try to immediately make a dwarf joke, just so they're comfortable. | ||
| Just so they go like, oh, okay, he's cool with it. | ||
| And now we can be friends. | ||
| Like now we can move on past that. | ||
| That's like something you learned over the years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think that has to do with the way your dad sort of like... | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Because then if I don't talk about it, then people are like on pins and needles because they don't know if they're going to offend me or if they're going to like say something that's going to set me off. | ||
| So if I make that quick joke, then they're like, oh... | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| I don't have to worry about it. | ||
| So yeah, as soon as I went on stage the first time, I went home and I just started writing like crazy and just started writing all the stories that I've told at parties for years, just of experiences and things like that, and just started watching a ton of comedy. | ||
| Someone showed me the Jerry Seinfeld documentary, Comedian, and I was like, I was in, man. | ||
| That's a sneaky documentary. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because he put Orny Adams in that movie to make himself look good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I know he did. | ||
| I know he put Orny, like, Orny, like, they focused on, like, look, they come to you and they say, look, you're going to be in a documentary about comedy with Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| They're like, fuck yeah, I'm in. | ||
| You're a struggling comic. | ||
| And they narrow in on this. | ||
| Neurotic guy who's a mess, and he's freaking out, and he's got no experience being on camera, and you just fucking shove this camera in his face. | ||
| And in contrast, it makes Jerry Seinfeld look very likable. | ||
| Sure, because he's polished, and he's done this for years, and now he's trying to do the new act. | ||
| But then at the same time, and as comics, we know this now, yeah, Jerry Seinfeld was trying to write new material, but... | ||
| And when he's going on stage like he's done this a thousand times so that scene where he's essentially trying to think of a word or bombing as some people would say he's very comfortable in that scenario because he knows what to do and he's very analytical because he's done it a million times it's not Orny to where when he goes on he's you know he's neurotic and he's learning all this stuff yeah because yeah I saw that movie I thought I I thought I knew Orny Adams and then I actually met the guy I'm like oh You're fucking cool. | ||
| He's just a normal dude. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| But you know, they edit it. | ||
| They focus on all the most ridiculous shit that the guy does. | ||
| Get that camera in his face. | ||
| You have Barry Katz breaking you down on camera, which is preposterous. | ||
| The whole thing is ridiculous. | ||
| I saw that and I'm like, they set this dude up. | ||
| They used him in this fucking documentary. | ||
| If you're really going to show a guy creating new material, you've got to kind of do a guy who's not loved already. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Who can't walk on stage and get a standing ovation before you've said one word. | ||
| So that's where Orny comes in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So I think it helps to have a guy like that where you're following another guy. | ||
| On the way up, yeah. | ||
| But why did they choose Orny? | ||
| Choose a guy who's not going to overshadow him. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| They didn't do a Kevin Hart type character. | ||
| Some big, powerful, energetic performer who just crushes. | ||
| Well, hell, they had the one scene at... | ||
| Caroline's, where I don't know who the comic was. | ||
| It might have been Angel Salazar. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Check it out, check it out. | ||
| Where he was doing his costume changes on stage at, yeah, I think it was Caroline's. | ||
| And then you see Jerry in the back like, well, how am I going to follow this? | ||
| How am I going to go on after this? | ||
| Just be funny. | ||
| Yeah, just walk on stage and say, hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| Then tell a couple jokes. | ||
| Boom, you're following it. | ||
| Tell jokes that are actually good. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| Don't worry about it, dude. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But yeah, I just consumed all things comedy. | ||
| I never saw that I Am Comic either. | ||
| That was the documentary that everybody always quotes because that's the one where Mencia admits to stealing material and he does that interview where he's talking about, you know, yeah, I steal, of course I steal. | ||
| You know, if I'm on stage, you better run, bitch. | ||
| I think he was doing that to be funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of people thought it was sarcastic. | |
| I think he was doing it to be sarcastic. | ||
| You can't do that if you actually are a thief. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's true. | |
| How do you do that if you actually are a plagiarist? | ||
| I mean, that's preposterous. | ||
| But that's all I know about that documentary. | ||
| Oh yeah, because I'm sure people tweeted you that clip like crazy. | ||
| Is that a touchy subject with you? | ||
| You talk about your friend? | ||
| Yeah, kind of, because it's like, yeah, he's my friend, you know, and we're still friends, and so we still text every now and then. | ||
| Hell, some of your fans will probably, like, when that thing was at its peak, there was a moment where some of your fans will probably hate me for this, but he called me up and was like, I'm quitting. | ||
| I'm not doing this anymore. | ||
| I'm not doing stand-up anymore. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| This is too much. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| And I was on the phone with him for like three hours and talked him back into doing it. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| See, this is when all your fans are like, there's nothing wrong with him doing stand-up. | ||
| Because, you know, there's never the issue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the issue always was, was he was victimizing other comedians. | ||
| And you might not have known it, because you weren't around. | ||
| I wasn't around the scene. | ||
| This isn't a mystery. | ||
| And the sad part is, because I was with him on the road, I would see things happen during the day, and then him go on stage that night, do 20 minutes on what happened during the day, and have it be brilliant stuff. | ||
| I'll be the first one to say he's a great comic when he's being a comedian. | ||
| You know what the problem is? | ||
| People get addicted to killing. | ||
| They want to kill all the time. | ||
| And when they don't have something to say, they'll take somebody else's shit. | ||
| And that's the reality of it. | ||
| It's a lack of artistic integrity. | ||
| That's the reality. | ||
| It doesn't mean you're not talented. | ||
| It's like we were talking about before. | ||
| There's grays. | ||
| There's not everybody's good, or everybody's bad, or everybody on this side is good, everybody on that side is bad. | ||
| It's not that. | ||
| Some people are really talented, but... | ||
| They're all they also have questionable ethics and that's that's reality and because what is most important to them is Adulation and love it's filling up that hole whatever that hole that was created We all have a hole every comic has a hole that was created by their childhood some more than others you know some some in a different way than others everybody's everybody's varies and some people That the need to kill is way more important than the need to be original and the need to be creative. | ||
| And when they don't have anything to say, when they can't find something, they'll just steal. | ||
| And once they steal, they steal all the time. | ||
| And once that becomes what they do... | ||
| And they do it to their friends. | ||
| They do it to people they don't know. | ||
| They do it to open micers. | ||
| They sit in the back room and they write things down. | ||
| And he's not the only one that's ever done this. | ||
| He was the only one that was ever called out for it and got busted for it publicly. | ||
| And these things still happen today where, you know, behind the scenes, someone comes up to someone and says, hey, that joke, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Look, it's still an issue. | ||
| Artistic integrity is always going to be an issue. | ||
| For sure, there's parallel thinking. | ||
| For sure, there's going to be people that come up with similar jokes. | ||
| There's always something that happens in the news, like Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift. | ||
| There's going to be a bunch of people that have a joke about that. | ||
| Especially with Twitter, you'll see it. | ||
| Because I remember when Bruce Jenner got into that car accident and the woman died, one of the first tweets I saw was Neil Brennan saying, great, now every comic's going to say that Bruce Jenner's really becoming a woman because he can't drive. | ||
| And that was his tweet. | ||
| And then, sure enough, within minutes, you saw comedians tweet that joke. | ||
| It just filled up the line because that's the most obvious punchline there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, like, you have all these eyes looking to one topic. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they're gonna come up with. | ||
| It was pretty fucked up. | ||
| Did they even bring that up in the two hours that he was being interviewed? | ||
| No, like, oh, by the way, you killed someone. | ||
| By not paying attention. | ||
| Right, and recently. | ||
| Yeah, and it was totally... | ||
| I mean, anybody else in that similar situation, like, that would be the main focal point. | ||
| Oh, by the way, you fucking weren't paying attention while you were driving a giant truck with a fucking boat behind it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you smashed... | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I think on the PCA, somebody said that you're not supposed to have trailers or something on that street because of that reason of stopping faster. | ||
| Let's Google that. | ||
| Find out if that's true. | ||
| I don't know if that's true, but that could be true. | ||
| You could have done a Diane Sawyer interview on the fact that you fucking killed someone a month ago. | ||
| You should have. | ||
| A month ago! | ||
| A month ago! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Glossed over it like it was, that's not important. | ||
| What's important is, are you a woman? | ||
| Are you a woman who kills people? | ||
| By negligence, by pure negligence, while you're smoking a cigarette. | ||
| Yeah, and I think I heard Corolla talk about this, and I thought it was really interesting. | ||
| I mean, the fact that, like, I think the car he hit, and then she veered off into oncoming traffic, and the car that hit her was like a Homer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that part sucks, because you're like, well, if you get hit by a Yaris, you're good. | ||
| What's a Yaris? | ||
| A Yaris is, I don't know, it's a little tiny car. | ||
| It's not that, yeah, it's a small car. | ||
| Well, it doesn't matter. | ||
| But yeah, you get hit by any sort of regular... | ||
| You don't have to pull up a Yaris. | ||
| Yeah, it's fine. | ||
| It's a car. | ||
| They taped the interview before the car accident, it says. | ||
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| So, okay. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, there it is. | ||
| I mean, you can have like an asterisk. | ||
| How did they tape it so long ago? | ||
| Yeah, and then just sit on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Who gives a fuck, really? | ||
| Yeah, but it was the whole thing of where, like, out of all the cars on the road that hit you head-on, it had to be a Hummer. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's just, negligence like that is just so infuriating, and to have it, you know, from a person that's in the public eye, people get really angry about it, but in this case, it seems to be, like, fading. | ||
| Like, no one really seems to give a shit about it, other than the people that directly knew, and they're like, there's people that are trying to sue, but they're the step Step-daughters, and apparently they didn't even have a relationship with the woman, and they're suing. | ||
| Yeah, and now they're like, oh, but you took away my chance to rekindle that relationship, so I deserve a million dollars. | ||
| That is kind of true, sort of. | ||
| I mean, I guess. | ||
| Who the fuck is to say that... | ||
| I was gonna call her tomorrow. | ||
| If there's anybody that deserves, like, money from, like, a lawsuit, it's not the people suing Manny Pacquiao for five million bucks because he had a hurt shoulder. | ||
| It's the people who, well, hey, Bruce Jenner killed my mom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Okay, alright. | ||
| Try to get some money. | ||
| It's not like he's broke. | ||
| Yeah, let's give him some money for that. | ||
| And you almost just never hear about that anymore. | ||
| You don't hear about the fact that he... | ||
| You don't hear about it at all. | ||
| No, it's just him becoming a woman now. | ||
| It just fades away. | ||
| It fades away into oblivion. | ||
| It's interesting how the public decides to fixate on certain things and not fixate on other things. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like, I was thinking about that when it came to this police violence case. | ||
| You know, the public will decide. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The Freddie Gray one is one that sticks. | ||
| But this South Carolina one where the cop shot the guy in the back on video just running away. | ||
| The guy was running away. | ||
| It wasn't a guy who died in the back of a van. | ||
| It was a guy who's running away and the cop shoots him. | ||
| I'm like, that one didn't stick? | ||
| I am shocked. | ||
| Well, it's like, it was kind of like a few years ago, and a bunch of comics made jokes about it, but it was like when it was missing kid time. | ||
| It was like, every story's going to be a new missing kid. | ||
| And everyone made the joke that it was all good-looking white women. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| And not... | ||
| White girls, yeah. | ||
| There's so many other missing kids. | ||
| And now it's kind of like that, but with police brutality. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It's almost like the news just sits down one day and says, what are we going to focus on this week? | ||
| Like, what's going to happen? | ||
| Did you see Nightcrawler? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That's a perfect, perfect movie, if you want to understand this whole... | ||
| If it bleeds, it bleeds. | ||
| Yeah, that style of news. | ||
| It also gives you real insight into what a news show is. | ||
| It's an entertainment program. | ||
| They're trying to get ratings, the same way everyone else is. | ||
| They're not trying to enlighten you. | ||
| They're not trying to educate you. | ||
| They're just trying to somehow or another get you to pay attention. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I like the the speech in the TV show the newsroom. | ||
| It was near the beginning of the first season. | ||
| Jeff Daniels plays the news broadcaster and he talks about what the news was designed to be and how there were people that when the news was first conceived they they said no ads, no sponsors, government funded or I mean then you go to a whole nother part where they can't talk about government government funded or I mean then you go to a whole But, yeah, it's like, no sponsors to where they have to get ratings. | ||
| Just, this is the news. | ||
| It's going to be put on by taxpayer money, you pay a little extra, you get the news. | ||
| So now it's not people with the news tickers at the bottom trying to sensationalize everything. | ||
| What did Hillary Clinton really mean when she said, ba-ba-ba, Republicans and Democrats and they're fighting and, like, so the newscasters don't have that to go to. | ||
| And I thought that was a great little monologue that made me kind of think, like, yeah, why do we, like, why does the news have to be ratings? | ||
| Because, and it's like you said, it's an entertainment show. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| At the end of the day. | ||
| They're trying to get eyes. | ||
| They're trying to get sponsors. | ||
| They're trying to get ratings. | ||
| So, yeah, you're going to lead with, uh, That's how you get people to pay attention. | ||
| It's the only way. | ||
| It's also like what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| It's like when you run into most people that you communicate with online. | ||
| My interactions with people on Twitter and on Instagram or Facebook are almost universally positive. | ||
| There's very Very few negative people that I run into. | ||
| And most of it is because I'm nice, and I don't cause too much bullshit. | ||
| But I say controversial shit. | ||
| I run into enough nice people. | ||
| But there's a certain percentage that are just cunts. | ||
| And it's just a numbers game. | ||
| When you're dealing with the news, if you're trying to put on an hour show, you're dealing with the events of seven billion people, and the Nepal earthquake, and the typhoon that hits the Philippines, This, and the that, | ||
| and the that, and the this, and the murder, and the death, and the cop, and the shot, and the boy, and the gun, and the baby, and the window, and you can just fill that hour up with these events, because the sheer numbers, if you just looked out, if you opened up your window, and you looked out your apartment, and you saw seven billion people, you'd be like, well, of course some shit's going down. | ||
| There's too many people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stuff's going to happen. | ||
| The events that you're dealing with, if you're dealing with even like one one hundredth of one percent of chaos and violence, that's pretty good when you consider what the world must have been like five, six thousand years ago. | ||
| People just fucking show up and cut your village in half with swords. | ||
| And then just say, alright, we own it now. | ||
| Yeah, flaming arrows go flying through the air. | ||
| Oh, great, we're doing this again. | ||
| That was the news. | ||
| That was what the news was back then. | ||
| The news was you open up your window and people were trying to kill you. | ||
| Yeah, here's who your king is now. | ||
| Alright, great. | ||
| So if you try to pack a 7 billion person... | ||
| Like, a report on the events of 7 billion people. | ||
| How the fuck are you going to do that in an hour? | ||
| You're not. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| And you're not getting an hour, by the way. | ||
| You get 44 minutes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| 18 minutes of fucking commercials or 16 minutes of commercials. | ||
| And they're like, the news is biased. | ||
| And you're like, well, yeah, for that reason. | ||
| Because they have to look at all events and say, which ones do we want to focus on? | ||
| Well, their job is not to educate you. | ||
| No. | ||
| Their job is to get you to pay attention. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And we have this idea that somehow or another they're like our educators. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, this is the news. | ||
| And, you know, when you hear them talking in that strange way, the newscasters talk. | ||
| Tom broke our voice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My favorite is when they uncomfortably try to comment on things in between stories. | ||
| Well, that's upsetting. | ||
| It certainly is. | ||
| Next story. | ||
| Yeah, the local news broadcast, like, after the last story, and that 20 seconds at the end of the broadcast where they have to, like, be funny or just interact. | ||
| Did you see that one where the woman was talking to a black guy? | ||
| There was a woman who was a white newscaster, and she had a black guy with her, and they were talking about Lady Gaga. | ||
| Lady Gaga did a performance, and she starts calling it Jigaboo music, and To a black guy! | ||
| She doesn't know what Jigaboo is apparently. | ||
| Have you seen this? | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Of course, it's Fox News. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How about the black guy just sitting there going, yep. | ||
| I'm a robot. | ||
| I have a mortgage. | ||
| I'm a robot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Has there been anything like that, though, that you've said that you didn't know? | |
| Like, I didn't know it was racist to say, hey, boy, to a black guy. | ||
| Like, I remember saying it. | ||
| I moved to L.A., and I remember the first year I was out there. | ||
| You never say, hey, boy, to a white guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I mean, it's like, what's up, boy? | |
| I remember I said that to my friend, and my friend goes, wait, what'd you just say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, boy, guy, hey, man. | |
| And he goes, you know what? | ||
| You shouldn't say boy to a black guy. | ||
| And then he explained it to me. | ||
| I was like, I've never heard this before in my life. | ||
| Well, now we're going through that with Tranny. | ||
| Yeah, Tranny's out. | ||
| You can still say cabbie, though, for cab drivers, so cling to that. | ||
| They won't even exist in another few years after Uber dominates the market. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did I tell you, I took a cab the other day. | |
| I did not know how much more expensive it was and how bitter they have. | ||
| The second I got in there, that's all they talked about was how horrible Uber was. | ||
| Did you bring up Uber? | ||
| No, I didn't say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, oh, thanks, man. | |
| Yeah, you know, my phone's dead, so I couldn't, you know, call you. | ||
| Use Uber. | ||
| No, so I couldn't call because I had to flag down a taxi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, my phone's dead. | |
| I couldn't call. | ||
| And he goes, oh, that's right. | ||
| It's Uber. | ||
| And the whole time, the whole ride home, he was just bitching about Uber. | ||
| Sure, because they had a monopoly in the market. | ||
| Then someone figured out how to do it better. | ||
| And it was $20 more. | ||
| You ran into a cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was $20 more. | |
| For the same ride? | ||
| Yeah, for the exact same ride I've taken a million times with Uber, $20 more. | ||
| How do they get paid? | ||
| They get a check from Uber? | ||
| Is that how that works? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I think it's twice a month. | |
| It's direct deposited into their... | ||
| Do they do any background checks on the people that are involved? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're supposed to. | |
| And now with all the latest news and stuff, it's gotten more intense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's still easy. | |
| I mean, I know a ton of people who are comics that are Uber drivers. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're an Uber driver? | |
| Hilarious. | ||
| Like, you're a horrible person. | ||
| David Seaman, he does some fucking Uber driving in his spare time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just to pick up chicks, I think. | |
| No, remember when Deadmau5 was doing it? | ||
| He was Uber driving up in Toronto with his fucking Ferrari? | ||
| And then they had his logo, like, you know how they had the car logo? | ||
| Like, it was the Deadmau5 mask that was on the map. | ||
| That must have been cool as fuck. | ||
| You get picked up by Deadmau5 and driven around in a Ferrari. | ||
| What if you have luggage, though? | ||
| Like, bitch, you don't even have a trunk, you fuck. | ||
| Yeah, like, could you imagine just being on the side of the street, be like, alright, call this Uber, then, like, Gene Simmons pulls up, and goes, Joe Rogan, you're a very rich and powerful man. | ||
| You have to get super lucky, like, to get someone who's not totally retarded in your car, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, now, like, there's a thing, like, um, Hilary, like, Hilary Duff is getting a lot of press because she's on Tinder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she's, like, filming it and stuff, and, like, cute, like... | ||
| Is she trying to do a reality show? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Jamie knows. | |
| He's just nodding his head over there. | ||
| Is that what she's doing? | ||
| Let's go to our Us Weekly Report with Jamie. | ||
| Why'd Jamie say that again, please? | ||
| I read she did a few dates, and they filmed a couple things, and they went on... | ||
| Well, she'd probably film it just so nobody kills her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| Some psycho shows up and it's Hilary Duff. | ||
| Speaking of psychos, I watched Golan Clear last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You hadn't seen that before? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Well, I read part of the book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I'd seen, like, some clips from the documentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But, oh my god. | ||
| I watched it last night. | ||
| That is incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know Scientology is down to only 50,000 members? | ||
| That's what they were saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And with that, they still have whatever. | ||
| A billion dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have over a billion dollars in cash. | ||
| I mean, there was a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Equity. | |
| There was like two sponsored tweets today that I saw. | ||
| Scientology? | ||
| By Scientology. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What's their Twitter handle? | ||
| I think it's just at Scientology, right? | ||
| Church of Scientology or at WeWillControlYouYouSmallWeekMindedImp. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah, Scientology. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many people do they have? | ||
| Let's take a guess. | ||
| Yes, 28,000? | ||
| Damn, that's it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it? | |
| That's it? | ||
| I am one followers of Scientology? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweet! | |
| 28,000. | ||
| But like, look what their top photo is. | ||
| Like, their top photo of the Church of Scientology is a lobby of a hotel or building that looks like a palace. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's what their logo is. | ||
| Well, that's the church. | ||
| That's where they party. | ||
| That's where they give praise to Xenu. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Meet Heike, a mother and Scientologist. | ||
| So I guess they're like on a publicity run to try to... | ||
| Gotta be. | ||
| The same way SeaWorld now has those commercials. | ||
| We love our whales. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Because of Scientology, Mayuku treats her young son as an individual. | ||
| As a result, he's a happier child. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| As opposed to what? | ||
| You treat him like he's a fucking puzzle piece? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| Yeah, what parent isn't doing that and it's because they're not a Scientologist? | ||
| This is weird, man. | ||
| Calm the fuck down. | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| Joe, did you see the SeaWorld, that new commercial that they've been playing? | ||
| We haven't captured an orca in the wild for 20 years or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, they just forced them to breed in captivity as slaves. | ||
| Yeah, there are some falsities going on. | ||
| We're not that mean. | ||
| We're just cunts. | ||
| This is really wild, man. | ||
| They're trying to go for the diversity angle, the Scientology Twitter page. | ||
| The Scientology mission of Kathmandu serves as the base camp for Scientology Nepal disaster response. | ||
| Hashtag Nepalquake. | ||
| We're helping. | ||
| Well, I'm sure they'll help by completely obliterating psychiatry in the Nepal region, and then all the people will be better. | ||
| It's just amazing when you see the actual films of L. Ron Hubbard talking. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, that was what is amazing. | ||
| And Paul Haggis, the director, who got to some super high level, you get the handwritten notes from L. Ron Hubbard, he's like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| Have you seen the documentary? | ||
| Dude, you have to. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| It's a whole new level, bro. | ||
| It's that good. | ||
| It's that good. | ||
| I got it last night on HBO Go. | ||
| You ever use HBO Go? | ||
| I just got it last night to watch the Nirvana movies on there now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I was gonna watch that too, but I said, let me watch this. | ||
| Really, it was late at night, and I was like, I'm just gonna watch this for like 10-15 minutes. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| And I was glued to that motherfucker for two whole hours. | ||
| Yeah, I'll watch it. | ||
| It's sad too, man. | ||
| Some of the people's bad experiences with their children, with their families. | ||
| It's being taken away and being forced to work on top of a roof of a building. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| How about the mother whose daughter won't talk to her anymore? | ||
| The whole family grew up Scientologists, and it's really hard to watch. | ||
| And then the guy who started taping the people that were out in front of his house, like the Scientologists out in front of his house, to do a smear campaign against him? | ||
| I think it's really important, whenever you're talking about something like this, to look at both sides of it. | ||
| And this does not look at both sides of it. | ||
| This is only one side of it. | ||
| I had a neighbor that was a Scientologist. | ||
| I actually don't think he is anymore, and I don't live near him anymore. | ||
| But he was a Scientologist. | ||
| He was the nicest fucking guy. | ||
| And he was telling me how much it helped him and how much it got his life in order. | ||
| So I don't think it's... | ||
| It's all negative. | ||
| I think there's some horror fucking stories. | ||
| Well sure, it's the same thing. | ||
| Some of the nicest people I've ever known in my life were Mormons. | ||
| Mormons are great. | ||
| If I had to pick a religion, I really would pick Mormonism. | ||
| They really would. | ||
| They're all family-oriented. | ||
| They all have tight-knit, or they try to have tight-knit families. | ||
| They're really supportive. | ||
| Their church functions are pretty... | ||
| And they all kind of band together to help each other. | ||
| I mean, granted, then you have the instances where polygamists and girls are being married off at age 12 and stuff like that. | ||
| Those are some weird sex, though, Mormonism. | ||
| They don't really have those. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, that's Mitt Romney. | ||
| Do you know the whole deal with Mitt Romney? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, this is great. | ||
| Oh, this is going to be great because my dad's like a hardcore Republican. | ||
| Mitt Romney's dad couldn't be president because he was born in Mexico. | ||
| The reason why he was born in Mexico was because Mitt Romney's family is from an extreme sect of Mormonism that left the country when polygamy became illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So they left the country in the 1800s back when there was no cars. | ||
| When there was no cars, Mexico was just as cool as America. | ||
| It was probably even cooler. | ||
| So let's just go over there. | ||
| Fuck it, we're on horses. | ||
| What the fucking difference does it make? | ||
| Just land and land. | ||
| Yeah, you have a horse over here, or you have a horse over there. | ||
| Have a horse over here, you can have 15 wives. | ||
| You know, lock them up in a dungeon, you have a party. | ||
| You know, over here, you have to have one wife, and they tell you what to- Fuck them! | ||
| You have to pay taxes? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Let's go have 15. So Mitt Romney and his family, they came from this one sect, and they're heavily armed, and they fight off the fucking Taliban, the drug cartels down there. | ||
| They get kidnapped and shit. | ||
| It's like extreme shit. | ||
| The whole scene is really dangerous. | ||
| These guys have rifles everywhere they're going. | ||
| They're always worried the drug cartels are going to storm the gates. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| I believe Vice did a piece on it. | ||
| Was it a Vice piece? | ||
| See if you find it. | ||
| Vice is pretty damn cool. | ||
| I think they did a piece on it. | ||
| I think that's where I got all the original information from. | ||
| Then I just kept looking into it. | ||
| But Mitt Romney's dad always wanted to be president, but couldn't because he wasn't born in America. | ||
| Like Ted Cruz. | ||
| Ted Cruz was born in Canada, that fuck. | ||
| Wait, but he was running for president. | ||
| He was both American and Canadian citizen, because his mother was American, but he was born in Canada. | ||
| So like, some sort of thing where... | ||
| I say if you're born in a plane, shouldn't you be allowed to... | ||
| The Mexican-Mormon War. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Vice. | ||
| Full-length. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, they're at war, apparently, with the drug cartels down there. | ||
| They get kidnapped and all kinds of crazy. | ||
| Five-part thing. | ||
| Seven-part thing. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| You can watch the full-length thing on vice.com. | ||
| I mean, the Warring Mormon sounds like a great band name. | ||
| The warring Mormons are playing Coachella next year. | ||
| The Mormon War. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want eight wives! | |
| I live in Mexico! | ||
| It's like the Mormon Guar. | ||
| Well, I think they were fine. | ||
| Everything was cool until the drug war came. | ||
| And when the drug war came, I think they got fucked. | ||
| Because they were like, oh, well now this place that we had sort of decided to live in is super dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So now we gotta go back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I know when Mitt and his family decided to come back to good old U.S. of A. Having two wives sounds good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, just have one on each side of the house. | |
| You know, one week you spend one with one. | ||
| On paper, dude. | ||
| In theory. | ||
| On paper. | ||
| In theory. | ||
| It's like communism in theory is awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because everyone just does their own thing and then all the things are split amongst everyone and like, hey, you're a doctor and hey, you're a mechanic, but we're going to take care of everyone. | ||
| It sounds great. | ||
| And then you get human beings into it where it's like, okay, now the doctor who went to 12 years of med school has to be like, well, I'm being paid the same as the mechanic? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Also, too, man, whenever someone has any control over people at all, people don't like to be controlled at all. | ||
| You get one grown adult that has any control over another grown adult, and people resist, and it gets ugly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Telling people what they can and can't do with their existence on this planet, they don't want to hear that shit. | ||
| You will be a mechanic. | ||
| You will be a carpenter. | ||
| You will be a tailor. | ||
| That's why Cuba doesn't work. | ||
| Communism doesn't work in that way. | ||
| That style of dictator-driven communism, where they decide what you're going to do, what your occupation's going to be, how much you can make. | ||
| Just socialism in general. | ||
| The idea behind it is beautiful. | ||
| We all contribute. | ||
| We all become a part of this community. | ||
| In a way, your small family unit is a communist state because you're all helping each other out. | ||
| And you're all doing your jobs. | ||
| A wife and a husband together. | ||
| That's very communist, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Piling all your money together. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But no one's telling the wife, you know, listen, bitch, you've got to do this. | ||
| Hopefully not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, just the husband, this is his rule. | ||
| But I guess you are, kinda. | ||
| I wonder if there's gonna be any way that you can test for what you'd be best at, though. | ||
| Like, that website 23andMe, it goes through your DNA, and it tells you, like, if you have the warrior gene, if you have, like, all these certain genes, if your kids are gonna be bald. | ||
| But I wonder if there's ever gonna be that thing where they go, you're gonna be really good at math stuff, you're gonna be really good at arts. | ||
| Yeah, but even if you are really good at it, like, say, like, if something comes along that says you're gonna be really good at math, but you really wanna be a musician. | ||
| Like, who the fuck is to tell you that you can't be a musician? | ||
| Dr. Ken. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| Dr. Ken. | ||
| Yeah, Ken Jeong was a doctor. | ||
| Yeah, like really recently. | ||
| And good at it, apparently. | ||
| Yeah, he's a really good doctor. | ||
| And he's like, you know, doing this acting thing and doing comedy and I like that better. | ||
| I'm making a good living at it. | ||
| I'm gonna do that instead. | ||
| And he's funny. | ||
| And he's great at that. | ||
| He's phenomenal at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| I just think there's a lot of people who like to do a lot of things. | ||
| Like, look, what if someone told me that I could either be a cage-fighting commentator or a comedian? | ||
| I couldn't be both. | ||
| Or have a podcast, you know, either you do a podcast or, you know, you do something else. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| One or the other. | ||
| I'd be like, what? | ||
| How come? | ||
| Or I can just do it all. | ||
| Like, I got time. | ||
| Do whatever the fuck you want to do, man. | ||
| Like, that's the beautiful thing. | ||
| One of the most beautiful things about life is people deciding what they want to focus their energy on, and then you see the fruits of their labor. | ||
| Like, someone who does murals. | ||
| Like, they can just decide. | ||
| I want to do really fucking cool murals. | ||
| Or someone who makes music, or someone who writes books. | ||
| Like, you can just decide. | ||
| And when you've got someone telling you what you can and can't do, that just becomes all fucked up, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's the reverse psychology thing, where you almost go against it, even if it makes sense, just because you're like, I don't like you telling me to do that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| People just, it's not a natural aspect of, for some people, it's natural. | ||
| Some people enjoy being told what to do. | ||
| They need that guidance in their life. | ||
| They like it. | ||
| And then there's also some people that like being ordered around. | ||
| There's like dominant and submissive people. | ||
| There's people that enjoy that, and there's nothing wrong with that either. | ||
| That makes you happy. | ||
| It's like freedom, man. | ||
| Freedom to be submissive is just as much of a freedom as the freedom to be free. | ||
| You know, freedom to be an artist, freedom to be a doctor. | ||
| Fucking let people figure out what their thing is. | ||
| Even from families, man. | ||
| I mean, how many fucking people, like, I know a dude, and his family disowned him. | ||
| No, no, I'm sorry. | ||
| His family disowned his sister. | ||
| Because his sister didn't marry a doctor. | ||
| The dad put the girl through nursing school with the hopes that the girl would marry a doctor. | ||
| So she could be a nurse? | ||
| Just so she could marry? | ||
| So she could marry a doctor. | ||
| Dad's a total piece of shit. | ||
| And the dad disowned her. | ||
| Because she married some fucking mechanic or something like that. | ||
| She fell in love with some regular dude. | ||
| The world is just filled with stories like that. | ||
| Yeah, for a while, my parents told me that I could only marry a dwarf because any tall woman would only want me for either a sick fetish or for fame or for money or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Yeah, I mean, they've since changed their tune. | ||
| Did you bring up Peter Dinklage? | ||
| She's got a regular-sized gal. | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
| I like how you said that with an eyebrow ring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I like the tall women. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| Why not, man? | ||
| If they like you. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| And that and, like, I have shelves in my house. | ||
| I would love to get used. | ||
| Yeah, get up there, bitch. | ||
| I'm tired of using ladders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I would love to put things up there. | ||
| Go get the fancy plates. | ||
| We're eating off the fire in China! | ||
| Yeah, you see those baked beans at the top shelf? | ||
| Go grab them. | ||
| That, like, that's dwarf porn. | ||
| Dwarf porn is just watching people reach shit. | ||
| And you're just sitting there like, oh god, I want to do that one day. | ||
| That's so hot. | ||
| Do you worry, like, as a stand-up, that there's gonna be a certain amount of, like, dwarf jokes? | ||
| The way you'll hit, like, a wall? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| I mean, but the thing is... | ||
| Is this your first special? | ||
| Yes, this is my first hour special. | ||
| I have two albums out, and then this is the third special, or the third hour that's being put out there. | ||
| And what are the albums out called when people get them, if they want to get them? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| On iTunes. | ||
| They're called Brad Williams Coming Up Short. | ||
| And then the second album is called Hi-Ho. | ||
| And they're available on iTunes. | ||
| They're available on my website. | ||
| BradWilliamsComedy.com. | ||
| If you order them from my website, I'll sign them and send them to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| It's worth about five cents more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Alright! | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| But the thing is that... | ||
| My jokes are always gonna have a little person perspective, because I don't know how to write any other way. | ||
| They're not necessarily gonna be dwarf jokes, like, hey, I can... | ||
| Like, isn't this weird? | ||
| I wear this size shirt or whatever the fuck. | ||
| Like, it's not gonna be... | ||
| I always use this example that a guy told me to say on stage. | ||
| He's like, I wrote a joke for you. | ||
| I was like, what's that? | ||
| He goes, you go on stage and say, you can take a bath in a thimble. | ||
| It's gonna be hilarious. | ||
| And I was like, alright, thanks. | ||
| Good. | ||
| So that's like my example of the cheesy dwarf joke. | ||
| But no matter what I do, no matter what I experience, it's always going to be through that perspective. | ||
| Simply because I don't know what it's like if it's that different to experience things through the... | ||
| Through the eyes of a 5'8 guy. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not familiar with it. | ||
| I don't know if it's different. | ||
| It might be exactly the same. | ||
| Do you think that you'll ever get to a point where it just doesn't even get addressed? | ||
| Say if you become a famous comic and you're 20 years in and you're doing specials on a regular basis every 2-3 years. | ||
| Everybody knows who you are. | ||
| Everybody knows what you do. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| Because right now it's at a point where when I go on stage I have to talk about it. | ||
| Because the entire audience is like, yo, what's this? | ||
| What's up with this? | ||
| I gotta know. | ||
| Because people aren't that familiar with little people. | ||
| It's an experience that a lot of people aren't necessarily... | ||
| And there's a lot of nuances to it that some people just aren't quite aware of. | ||
| And they have a lot of questions. | ||
| So I go on stage and I address those questions. | ||
| But I don't want you to think that my entire act is just like, dwarf joke, dwarf joke, dwarf joke. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You would run out, right? | ||
| There's only so many things that you can cover. | ||
| Right now, in the new hour that I'm trying to get together, a lot of the jokes are just like, this is what my life is. | ||
| These are the stories that happen to me that are weird as fuck that your advertised person wouldn't even consider and you don't think about. | ||
| And it's not necessarily like, if I fall off a curb, that's a long way, man. | ||
| You know, it's not like that. | ||
| It's just like when a dude got, like when a, and I won't do the joke, but like a guy, I got into a car accident with a guy, and he got out, and when he saw me, he didn't give a fuck about the car accident. | ||
| He was just like, whoa! | ||
| Alright! | ||
| Let's talk about this! | ||
| And he just started asking me questions. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that a normal thing for you? | ||
| Does that happen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, people have... | ||
| Is that uncomfortable? | ||
| Did it annoy you? | ||
| The fact that he wasn't angry about the fact that I fucked up his car. | ||
| I was like, whatever. | ||
| Oh, so you hit him. | ||
| Oh, it was totally my fault. | ||
| I was texting while driving like, oh, fucking idiot. | ||
| Never do that, people. | ||
| My fault. | ||
| So, yeah, I wrecked his car. | ||
| Like, he didn't care. | ||
| He's like, dude, this is awesome. | ||
| Like, he just started talking to me about being a little person. | ||
| I'm like, whatever distracts you, bro. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| You're an elf who just showed up. | ||
| Yeah, like... | ||
| How bizarre. | ||
|
unidentified
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Do you have phone books taped to your pedals and stuff like that? | |
| I have pedal extenders. | ||
| Pedal extenders. | ||
| So it's kind of close. | ||
| So it's like metal rods that you put on, that you attach, that have a pedal on top of it. | ||
| Brian, don't you remember that dude who drove us around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, in Texas. | |
| He had no arms and no legs. | ||
| He had nubs for arms. | ||
| He drove us around. | ||
| We got in the car. | ||
| Hand controls or what? | ||
| We made a video of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we have a video. | |
| Joe Show 10, I believe. | ||
| Is that available? | ||
| Can people find that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's on YouTube, yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| See if you can find that, Jamie. | ||
| We'll end with that. | ||
| But yeah, he drives around with his elbows, and he was like spinning, you know, the steering wheel, and... | ||
| Necessity is the mother of invention. | ||
| Yeah, it was a trip. | ||
| He was a really good dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was drunk, I think. | |
| I don't know if he was drunk. | ||
| I didn't breathalyze him. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| Yeah, he's got the nubs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forgot about him. | |
| That was... | ||
| That's a good rear naked defense. | ||
| Yeah, he just slips out of it. | ||
| Yeah, and this guy drives around. | ||
| He drives around in his van. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| You know, there's a part right after here where he actually shows him driving, I think. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then his other friend, what was up with his other friend again? | ||
| Oh, his other friend was paralyzed. | ||
| He was in a wheelchair, and he was heckling, and he wouldn't stop heckling, so I taught a girl who's in the front row with him how to choke him unconscious. | ||
| So she choked the dude out cold. | ||
| Oh, this is in Cap City. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Cap City Comic Club in Austin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I recorded my first album there. | ||
| That place is awesome, man. | ||
| Love that club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show this part. | |
| This is the good part. | ||
| So is this the guy with no arms who's heckling? | ||
| No, this is his friend. | ||
| I had him shut up the only way I could think of. | ||
| I talked to his friend into choking him unconscious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was a girl that was with him and I explained to her how she could get him in a weird naked choke. | |
| Tom from MyPlace. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's MySpace Edition. | |
| Then does she choke him out? | ||
| Well, yeah, she eventually did. | ||
| I coaxed her through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's kind of all about this. | ||
| These people are so drunk and so stupid. | ||
| Do you right or left? | ||
| Squeeze that motherfucker. | ||
| That's Tate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| You know you have to be ruining a show when the audience is encouraging a woman who just showed her tits to choke a man who's in a wheelchair unconscious. | ||
| She put him out. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| You're lucky that dude didn't die. | ||
| Like, he didn't sue the shit out of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Yeah, how's a valet gonna utilize that equipment? | ||
| Oh, valets fucking hate me. | ||
| It was fun, man. | ||
| Yeah, would you valet your car? | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, I pull up and I just go, dude, let me do it. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine, right? | ||
| Like, they probably would have to have their knees up way high. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And, like, I've got my car, I've got my seat at the perfect spot where I can see the mirror, the steering wheel's good, I can reach everything, it's good. | ||
| And then the valet gets in and they just fuck it up. | ||
| So I just tell them, hey, I'll pay the valet fee, just let me park it, I'll come out, like, just do that. | ||
| Are there certain cars you can use and certain cars you can't use, like certain cars you can't adjust properly? | ||
| Yeah, like the car I have right now, I've got a Lexus CT, which is a little hatchback hybrid, and I didn't have to do too much to it. | ||
| I got pedal extenders on that that were very small, and then the seat moves up a lot, but also their steering wheel extends out. | ||
| So my arms are good because my arms are small, but yes, I was able to grab the steering wheel. | ||
| I can drive that thing with not too much modification. | ||
| The only thing I had to do was I also had to pop the airbag because I'm really close to the steering wheel. | ||
| So if that airbag goes off... | ||
| It takes your head off. | ||
| Yeah, I'm gone. | ||
| You ever seen people's faces when they get hit with that airbag? | ||
| That airbag would fucking give you some black eyes. | ||
| It looks like they got hit with a waffle iron. | ||
| They got those lines on their face. | ||
| That's a good way to put it. | ||
| And I gotta tell this to you based on watching that video. | ||
| Thank you, because you treated that guy and his friend like an equal. | ||
| You're just like, no, you're in the front row, your buddy's heckling, I don't care that you got no arms. | ||
| Well, there was 300 other people in the show that he was ruining it for. | ||
| People have to deal with, and you and we could all agree on this. | ||
| When you're doing a show and someone is heckling, it's not just you, this person's fucking it up for you. | ||
| They're fucking up... | ||
| For the whole room. | ||
| That's why everybody gets angry at them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, people don't understand that. | ||
| Like, there's this thing, like, you're trying to put on a show, and when someone jumps in like that, like, that person needs to be stopped at all costs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I, like, when I get a heckler, it's why I, like, Some people say when a comic will go on stage and they get a heckler and then they get, they're like, oh, but he, this woman was heckling him and then he said that she should go get raped by a thousand dicks. | ||
| It's like, he's not thinking, or she's not thinking what's politically correct at that moment. | ||
| Your only thought is, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, be as mean as possible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get this person to shut up. | |
| And also reflect the attitude of the room. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because the room, they're fucking angry. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They want to say something like that, but they can't. | ||
| Right, so you're the voice of that. | ||
| Yeah, they're 15, 20 rows back, and if you say, I hope you get raped by a thousand dicks, like, yes! | ||
| They don't really think that. | ||
| Right, no. | ||
| But that's, when you violate the agreement, the agreement is, you come to a show. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That's the agreement. | ||
| You come, you're an audience member. | ||
| You're not a part of the show, and you're interrupting bits that are planned out in advance. | ||
| You're interrupting time, and you're making it all about you. | ||
| You're a selfish fuck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I hate that excuse of, well, you should be a professional. | ||
| It's part of your job. | ||
| That is part of the job. | ||
| Yeah, that I shut you the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, that is part of the job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In any way possible. | |
| But the idea that you should be a professional, meaning that, like, this is, like, you should just deal with it. | ||
| And you shouldn't say anything mean to these people. | ||
| Yeah, but without saying anything controversial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Fuck you. | ||
| You don't even know what this job is. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You have no idea. | ||
| People think that just because they paid money to come see you, they can sort of dictate how you do it. | ||
| Well, yeah, it's the same way with the movies. | ||
| I paid money to see this X-Men movie. | ||
| It must be to my liking. | ||
| Cyclops is wearing the wrong outfit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cunts... | |
| Cunts... | ||
| Avengers, right? | ||
| Avengers, not X-Men. | ||
| I gotta remember. | ||
| Alright, Brad Williams, FunnyBrad on Twitter, and your special is May 8th. | ||
| May 8th, Brad Williams, Fun Size. | ||
| Which is really soon, right? | ||
| That's like this week. | ||
| Great cover. | ||
| What's today? | ||
| This Friday, yeah. | ||
| Today is the 6th? | ||
| Oh, two days away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Showtime. | ||
| Brad Williams. | ||
| And then the other ones are available on iTunes. | ||
| Just do a Brad Williams search or go to bradwilliamscomedy.com. | ||
| And the podcast that I do with Adam Ray is called About Last Night. | ||
| Mr. Redman is a guest on a very future episode. | ||
| We've had Melissa McCarthy. | ||
| We've had Bud Saget. | ||
| We've got a lot of cool people on there. | ||
| Hopefully in the future, Joe Rogan. | ||
| We'll talk. | ||
| Listen, and I'm really glad I finally got to do this because, like I said, years ago, I hated you having never met you. | ||
| And now... | ||
| I never hated you, dude. | ||
| So there you go. | ||
| I'm glad we got together, too. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Thanks, buddy. | ||
| Brad Williams, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| See you fucker soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye-bye. | |
| You've never been on a rollercoaster? | ||
| Oh, I've been on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. |
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