March 4, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:53:17
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Joe Rogan experience His name is Bert Kreischer He's a motherfucking world traveler, unlike any other. | ||
| And even if he stops doing this Travel Channel gig, he will be more traveled than any of you fucks. | ||
| I mean, essentially, you've traveled way more than the average person ever will in their life, just in the last few years. | ||
| Oh, just, I mean, you just talk about the stuff I've done on a daily basis. | ||
| We talked about this one day, you called me and you said, hey, what are you doing? | ||
| I said, I'm driving an old Russian motorcycle through rice paddies in Vietnam. | ||
| And you were like, you gotta talk about that on stage. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| I'm annoying as fuck at a party. | ||
| If anyone's like, oh, we went ziplining. | ||
| I was like, fuck, fucking ziplining. | ||
| I did 120 on flight lines outside of Vegas. | ||
| Almost broke my fucking knees. | ||
| And they're like, huh. | ||
| You almost broke your knees? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did you almost break your knees? | ||
| So these flight lines are basically ziplines on steroids. | ||
| They're massive cables and then massive rigs. | ||
| And you have to control your body in the wind so that you don't go over 100 miles an hour because it's really hard to stop you. | ||
| However, if the winds are bad, they'll cancel them. | ||
| We were already up into the hike six miles. | ||
| You take the hike all the way through, zipline, flight line, then hike. | ||
| You hike for six miles? | ||
| You hike all fucking day. | ||
| All day. | ||
| And flight line a mile and a half, and then hike to the next flight line, then flight line two miles. | ||
| They're long. | ||
| They're a fucking gangster. | ||
| They're in Bootleg Canyon in Vegas. | ||
| Go outside and do them. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| How long is the ride? | ||
| The ride's probably a minute and a half? | ||
| A minute? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, you're flying. | ||
| You're fucking flying. | ||
| What if a bug hits your face? | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| Did you get hit in the face by a bug? | ||
| Oh, I've been hitting fucking bugs by bugs a lot. | ||
| What about a geese? | ||
|
unidentified
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A goose? | |
| I think about that constantly. | ||
| Large fucking angry bird. | ||
| It happened to Fabio. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, you know, Fabio was riding roller coasters in New Jersey and a fucking seagull hit him in the face, broke his nose. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just type in Fabio Goose fucking roller coaster. | ||
| That's God. | ||
| God doesn't like Fabio. | ||
| God's tired of seeing all of his favorite romance novels with fucking Fabio on the cover. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Remember when Fabio used to pose for all those romance covers? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Those romance books were so fucking strange because they were like men that didn't truly exist in nature. | ||
| I think that's probably where minotaurs came from. | ||
| The idea of a man that's like half horse. | ||
| That's a minotaur, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Or is it a half horse? | ||
| That's Fabio. | ||
| Oh, damn, Fabio. | ||
| You got crushed, son. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| So yeah, I think about getting hit by bugs and fucking bees all the time. | ||
| So you only see it. | ||
| There's no actual video of the goose hitting him in the face. | ||
| What if the dude just is tired of not getting attention, so he just wailed on his own nose. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And no one fucking saw it. | ||
| And said, listen, we all make a deal here. | ||
| This is a goose that hit my face. | ||
| SMACK! Anyway, every one of those romance novels would be this long-haired guy who was super romantic. | ||
| It was essentially like a morph between a man and a woman. | ||
| It was like a woman's desire for a man that's one beautiful, Handsome and blonde man with this long luxurious mane of hair and he was always like holding her like she was like She was just going limp and he was like holding her body weight. | ||
| And that's what sold the book. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Because he did other authors He didn't just do one author and that would sell the book. | |
| Fabio would sell the fucking book. | ||
| It wasn't even a picture of him. | ||
| It was just a drawing. | ||
| It was a drawing of a Fabio-esque character. | ||
| I wonder if Kim Kardashian sued because there was some character in some commercial that looked like her, so she sued. | ||
| I guess they contacted her and she didn't want to do it. | ||
| It was that William Shatner commercial. | ||
| There was a William Shatner commercial where Kim Kardashian comes rolling in like a karate marshal and has leathers on. | ||
| I thought it was Kim Kardashian. | ||
| There was also a Kim Kardashian video game that she had nothing to do with at first. | ||
|
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And then she sued him and now she's making shitloads of money off that game. | |
| It's like an app. | ||
| Yeah, that's a little different. | ||
| She sued last year for $20 million because there was a woman in a commercial. | ||
| The chick's name is... | ||
| It's an Old Navy commercial. | ||
| The woman's name is Melissa Molinaro. | ||
| And she sued because the chick looked like her. | ||
| Aubrey is friends with Melissa. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| She's the musician girl, right? | ||
| No, there's probably a lot of girls named Melissa. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I think that's her. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why don't you Google it? | ||
| There's actually a dickload of Melissa Marinaro's, including the senator's assistant. | ||
| Yeah, there's probably quite a few of those girls with that name. | ||
| Do you know that girl? | ||
| She does look like Kim Kardashian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, she looks like her a little bit. | ||
| But how... | ||
| I mean, what? | ||
| No girls with dark hair allowed to be on TV anymore? | ||
| Is that what's going on? | ||
| We have to pretend that every girl with dark hair is pretending to be you? | ||
| How fucking egotistical is that? | ||
| She's stealing her essence, though. | ||
| But that's insane. | ||
| Look, if someone comes along and creates like a Burt Kreischer wild crazy guy with a beard who drinks and gets... | ||
| Let's get fucking crazy! | ||
| You can't sue that guy. | ||
| That's an archetype. | ||
| That's existed before. | ||
| The simple-minded gal who is a materialist who just wants to take photographs, that's not a new thing. | ||
| She is actually on a Death Squad podcast. | ||
| That same girl who got sued? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| This was 3-19-2011 with me and Esther and Melissa Maulner. | ||
| Oh, so it was before she got sued, then, because she got sued, it says here, in August of 2012. Wow. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Crazy shit. | ||
| Yeah, but, like, I thought of doing, uh, I thought of, uh, we were doing an episode for TripFlip in L.A., and I was thinking about getting, um, lookalikes, like impersonators, like, get, like, 30 of them and have them at a party. | ||
| So I was like, hey, you guys wanted to meet celebrities. | ||
| This is Michael Jackson. | ||
| And they'd be like, holy shit! | ||
| They were from Indiana. | ||
| They wouldn't know for the first five minutes they'd meet. | ||
| We'd start soft. | ||
| This is Katie Bell. | ||
| And they'd be like, whoa! | ||
| Oh, you know what you do, dude? | ||
| You get them drunk first. | ||
| And then the celebrities all come out of a room together. | ||
| I was like, what if you got Hitler too? | ||
| You really loaded it. | ||
| That would be ridiculous. | ||
| You'd have to give him acid. | ||
| This is Jimi Hendrix. | ||
| Anyway, so Fabio got hit in the nose by a duck and fucked him up. | ||
| So you were on these things and you were actually worried about getting hit. | ||
| Oh, definitely. | ||
| 100% worried about getting hit. | ||
| So there's no precautions, right? | ||
| Do you wear a helmet or anything? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're in a big five-point harness, and then you just go flying, and you're supposed to rock your body. | ||
| You're supposed to literally go out like this, and sometimes they'll put a parachute behind you to slow you down. | ||
| Slow you down. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| The weather changed on us, and I was getting nervous because it's lightning, and you're on these big steel platforms in Vegas in the middle of the desert. | ||
| Oh, good lord. | ||
| And I was like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm going. | ||
| I'm going right now. | ||
| And they're like, well, maybe we should. | ||
| I was like, fuck it. | ||
| And I was already locked in, and the guy sent me, and the winds picked up behind me, so they started pushing me. | ||
| And I came in hot as fuck. | ||
| I mean, you have, like, these big stoppers that are supposed to stop you. | ||
| I blew through all of them, blew through the emergency wind, and went up into the rigging. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| And I just had remembered someone at the very beginning of the day say, it ran in passingly, when in doubt, legs out. | ||
| And so, like, when in doubt, throw your legs out. | ||
| Like, spread your legs. | ||
| And I just, that's what I thought to myself, I spread my fucking legs. | ||
| And I went up into the rigging, racked my balls, like, fucking hit my taint, I thought I fucking broke my coccyx, come out, and then I shoot, like, and here's the worst part, is I shoot back, because you went into the rigging, I shot back, like, 150 feet into the fucking, out into the valley. | ||
| And I was, like, fucking stuck there. | ||
| And the guy had to fucking come out, and I'm fucking... | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| So I come in, and the guy's like, He's like, man, you have no fucking idea how lucky you are that you just had your legs open. | ||
| You have no fucking idea. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| He's like, yeah, you would have broken. | ||
| If I'd had them together, I would have gone up. | ||
| My legs would have hit the rigging instead of me, like, straddling it. | ||
| And I would have fucking shattered my legs. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| But you must have worried that it was going to shatter your hip the way you hit it. | ||
| It sounds like that's brutal. | ||
| Nothing happened to me. | ||
| And I know it sounds crazy, but nothing happened to me. | ||
| But you just go... | ||
| I went up like this. | ||
| Instead of going and going and breaking my legs, I went up like this and then popped down and then shot all the way back. | ||
| So what it is, is like, as you're going down, if your legs were in the way, it would be too much before the solid rigging hits the... | ||
| Your legs would have hit the rigging. | ||
| Right, before the whole system does. | ||
| Yeah, but instead... | ||
| Fuck, that sounds ridiculous. | ||
| Look, there's a level of chance in all these things I do, but it's the simplest ones where you get hurt. | ||
| The only times I've been hurt was on a blob in Texas. | ||
| Blob? | ||
| It's like a big inflatable kind of mattress where they're half filled with air, and you lay on the end, and then some guy jumps off a 30-foot dock, and when he lands, it's Einstein's theory of relativity, every action there is an opposite and equal reaction, and you shoot up, Equally as high as he went versus his weight. | ||
| So if he's more than you, you compensate for that and you go up in the air and you go into the water. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| They're fucking insane. | ||
| But I didn't... | ||
| I felt myself flipping and I'm not like a natural gymnast so I didn't want to flip. | ||
| So I started kicking my legs. | ||
| So I kicked them as hard as I could and I kicked both my hamstrings out. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Fucking the most painful thing I've ever felt. | ||
| Both of them? | ||
| You kicked both of them out? | ||
| I kicked both of my hamstrings out. | ||
| Now when you say out, like how bad? | ||
| Don't know in the sense that I just didn't walk for like three weeks. | ||
| You couldn't walk for three weeks? | ||
| I could not walk. | ||
| For three weeks, I couldn't, I was in the water and I was literally holding my legs, and it's a kids camp, all these kids around me, and I'm just holding my legs in massive pain, and they're like, we need you to go again, and I go, I can't go again, and like, it doesn't look dangerous. | ||
| Why did they say they need you to go again? | ||
| Do you need to go a couple times with these things to make sure that they've got the shot and they can get at different angles? | ||
| So, uh, I was like, I can't go. | ||
| And they were like, are you fucking serious? | ||
| And they had to carry me to the infirmary at this Christian youth camp. | ||
| I go into my bag, take a handful of Vicodins, because, I mean, I've never felt that pain in my life. | ||
| Do you just have Vicodins on you all the time? | ||
| I travel with nausea medicine and painkillers, always. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you never know if you get hurt, and if you get hurt in the middle of a fucking outback or in the middle of the Sahara, you, like, if you get fucking, say you get attacked by a fucking lion and you're not gonna die, but you have a fucking six-hour bumpy car ride in, I want painkillers. | ||
| I'm prepared. | ||
| Do you have a painkiller addiction? | ||
| No. | ||
| That you're not telling us about? | ||
| No painkiller addiction whatsoever. | ||
| They scare me. | ||
| However, when you are hurt, like when I blew those hamstrings, I grabbed two Vicodin, popped them, and I was manageable until they got me to the hospital. | ||
| But I had to sit and wait. | ||
| They had to fucking wait forever. | ||
| They had a prayer circle around me. | ||
| Prayer circle? | ||
| Yeah, a prayer circle. | ||
| What kind of prayers? | ||
| The fucking Jesus ones. | ||
| Hamstring gods? | ||
| Did you pray along with them? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Of course he did, right? | ||
| When in Rome. | ||
| The counselor came in. | ||
| The counselor came in? | ||
| He was like, you know, looks like the guy from 30 Rock, that like, you know, the white blonde haired nerdy guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he like, all these kids around my bed. | ||
| And he goes, are y'all thinking what I'm thinking? | ||
| They were like, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, Bert, do you mind if we pray on you? | ||
| And I said, uh, and I was fucking out of it, but I had two fucking hands, and now I'm zooming, and I was like, fuck, bring it! | ||
|
unidentified
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Did you say, fuck, bring it, or are you just thinking that? | |
| I probably said, fuck, bring it! | ||
| No, I probably said, sure, I'd love that! | ||
| Don't be cussing! | ||
| We're about to bring the Lord's word to you! | ||
| They form a circle. | ||
| It's so awkward, because I'm out of it, and I, like, instead of, the kid's hand was on my shoulder, but I wanted to touch him, so I grabbed his, like, inner thigh. | ||
| Like his thigh, and I'm holding the counselor's hand, and they prayed on me. | ||
| Did he lean into you? | ||
| No! | ||
| But then they prayed on me, and I prayed with them, and it was awesome. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Yeah, I always have emergency. | ||
| Like, these days, when I've been traveling abroad, I always bring little baby bottles of Jack Daniels with me on the flights. | ||
| Because a lot of these airlines don't serve alcohol. | ||
| Do you go to places where alcohol is illegal? | ||
| There's some Muslim countries where alcohol is illegal, right? | ||
| Yeah, it was just in Zanzibar, but you can get alcohol. | ||
| I think you can get alcohol in most Muslim countries, even Dubai. | ||
| You can get it. | ||
| Yeah, you can get it in bars. | ||
| In bars. | ||
| Yeah, because they want to accommodate Westerners, and especially Europeans. | ||
| Europeans love to drink, and they want to be a tourist location. | ||
| That's the big killer, is a lot of these large Muslim investors are going into Muslim countries like Zanzibar and buying up hotels, but they're not comfortable with alcohol and bathing suits. | ||
| And some of the most beautiful hotels in all of East Africa are just Muslim-owned, and they're vacant. | ||
| They're dead. | ||
| There's nothing but lizards. | ||
| Wow, because nobody wants to go on a plane. | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| The market dictates your ideas are stupid. | ||
| Let chicks wear bikinis. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| How dare you? | ||
| Who would stop that? | ||
| What kind of haters? | ||
| They had a sports bar in the one we were in. | ||
| And I said, I'll take a Heineken. | ||
| And the manager came up to me and said, you know, we're a Muslim hotel. | ||
| We don't serve alcohol. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, but it's a sports bar. | ||
| You gotta change the name if you don't. | ||
| Just don't say it. | ||
| It's a sports bar. | ||
| I thought I read sports bar. | ||
| What did they say to that? | ||
| She goes, uh... | ||
| She looks at me and goes, what do you want? | ||
| And I said, I want, like, a beer. | ||
| And she goes, for the night. | ||
| I said, I want 12-pack. | ||
| She goes, meet me in your room in 10. Wow. | ||
| She blew you, too? | ||
| No, but she came back to my room. | ||
| She's like, don't take him out of your room. | ||
| So she just can stow beer away to you? | ||
| He had bought the hotel within, I would say, within weeks of us booking the entire trip. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, I see. | |
| And so they still had a stock of alcohol. | ||
| It was a beautiful hotel. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, so it was just changing over. | |
| It was just changing over to a Muslim hotel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| You took the chance, though. | ||
| Dude, if I had known that, I would have never fucking stayed there. | ||
| Not in a million fucks. | ||
| I mean, it was empty. | ||
| It was like having the place to yourself. | ||
| It was like, because no one would go there. | ||
| And if they are there and they're Muslim, they're not in the pool. | ||
| So I had the pool to myself. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| When I was in Japan, they made me cover up my tattoos. | ||
| Japan's fucking weird like that, right? | ||
| Did you go to any of the big subways in Japan or any of the big train stations? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| Fucking silent. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| They don't talk to each other. | ||
| Like, I have a video on my phone, it's probably on my computer, of me sitting at what is their Times Square in Tokyo at rush hour at like 8 a.m. | ||
| in the morning, 6 a.m., 7 a.m. | ||
| in the morning. | ||
| Not a fucking word. | ||
| You don't hear a word. | ||
| And it was so eerie. | ||
| And I just kept looking at my crew and no one's talking to each other. | ||
| Now we're not talking to each other because no one's talking. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| It's that law of, you know, whatever dictates... | ||
| I heard about it on some podcast about, you know, this guy walked into an elevator and stood, but the guy in the other way was facing the wrong direction and went, huh, and looked at him. | ||
| Then it stops and someone comes in, faces the wrong direction again. | ||
| He's like, huh. | ||
| And then after the third person, when they face the wrong direction, the guy who was facing the fucking doors went, fuck it, and he just turned around. | ||
| Because you get into that assimilation. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, but it was crazy. | ||
| Japan was mind-blowing. | ||
| Did you like the toilets? | ||
| Yeah, they were great. | ||
| I fucking loved them! | ||
| Why don't they have those everywhere? | ||
| I have no idea! | ||
| You can buy them. | ||
| You can buy them. | ||
| They actually sent them to me after I talked about it. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| You have them? | ||
| Yeah, I tried to work. | ||
| They're in your house? | ||
| Yeah, you can get them. | ||
| You can buy them. | ||
| You can get them on Amazon. | ||
| Yeah, you get them online. | ||
| They have them everywhere. | ||
| I would just wake up in the morning and just clean my asshole. | ||
| Just sit on it and turn it on. | ||
| Put on some tunes, warm it up. | ||
| I rented a beach house that had one too. | ||
| It was glorious. | ||
| It was like, yes, they do. | ||
| Yes, they do have one. | ||
| Clean my butt proper. | ||
| It feels oddly pleasurable. | ||
| Yeah, we did that when we hung out with a gay ship for the night. | ||
| Dude, you've been all over the world, like, legitimately. | ||
| These things you do, though, scare the shit out of me. | ||
| When I hear you ziplining 100 miles an hour... | ||
| Oh, oh, oh, I just showed Jamie this. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's terrifying. | |
| Oh, yeah, it's some of it, you know, here's the deal. | ||
| I deal with panic. | ||
| Everyone knows that. | ||
| I've talked about that to everyone. | ||
| But it's hilarious that you deal with panic, and yet you do some truly terrifying shit. | ||
| Oh, dude, I just jumped off of Moses Mambita Stadium. | ||
| It's 500. Take a look at this, Joe. | ||
| This is me jumping off Moses Mambita Stadium in Durban. | ||
| So you send this to Jamie? | ||
| Can we play it on the show? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| It's from the show. | ||
| From the show itself? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Okay, so you... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| It's fucking 500 feet. | ||
| It's a beast of a fucking jump. | ||
| How many different trips like this have you gone on since you started this show? | ||
| You've been doing this show for like, what, four years now or something? | ||
| Four years. | ||
| I've gone on 14 times four, so 50... | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| 60 of them, probably? | ||
| 60 plus crazy adventures. | ||
| Three adventures a day, one high adrenaline. | ||
| I feel like I've done everything there is to do when it comes to adrenaline. | ||
| So yeah, each episode you're doing numerous things sometimes, right? | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| We've had days where, like, the other day in Michigan, I fucking... | ||
| And then you have these things that you don't always talk about. | ||
| Like, we're in Michigan, this guy flies us out to Mackinac Island. | ||
| It's like an hour flight. | ||
| It's not that... | ||
| Three... | ||
| Three hour, not an hour flight, a three minute flight. | ||
| So it's not that big of a flight. | ||
| It's a real quick jump. | ||
| And we meet the guy flying over. | ||
| I tell him I'm afraid of flying. | ||
| We land. | ||
| Next morning he comes to pick us up. | ||
| We spend the night out on the island. | ||
| He comes back and he says to me, hey, you want to fly? | ||
| I said, what? | ||
| He goes, I'm an instructor. | ||
| I'll show you how to do it. | ||
| I got my two travelers with me. | ||
| They're like, no, don't let Bert fucking fly. | ||
| But in my head, I'm like, now I get this same thing that happens with me on these jumps and all that other stuff is where you go... | ||
| Fuck, I gotta try it. | ||
| Like, I'm here. | ||
| It's there. | ||
| This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. | ||
| I gotta fucking try it. | ||
| So I'm like, fuck it, let's do it. | ||
| So we taxi down the runway, and he gets us in position. | ||
| He goes, alright. | ||
| You just want to throttle, and as we start to feel the lift, just start pulling back. | ||
| And we just fucking take off, and I pull back, and I'm like, and he goes, and you get up to like 3,000 feet, and he's like, alright, or 2,000 feet. | ||
| He's like, level it off, and you just start pushing forward, and you feel the plane land. | ||
| It was fucking amazing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But those are the ones that aren't even on the show. | ||
| That's just getting the special access. | ||
| It's been great. | ||
| It's been great. | ||
| I've been having a hard time talking about it on stage because it sounds alienating. | ||
| It doesn't... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I don't think so at all. | ||
| You know, that's a hang-up. | ||
| You're not an alienating guy in any way. | ||
| You feel like it's alienating because you're a humble guy. | ||
| Because you worry that it might sound braggy. | ||
| But it's just your life. | ||
| Your life is interesting as fuck, dude. | ||
| You're doing some crazy shit every time I talk to you. | ||
| I'm in a shark tank in the middle of the ocean. | ||
| No, you're not! | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| Get out of that fucking thing. | ||
| We were with great white sharks. | ||
| Dude, what the fuck, man? | ||
| You can't be doing that. | ||
| In South Africa. | ||
| And the visibility was shit. | ||
| So they were there. | ||
| They would draw them in with a big tuna head. | ||
| And then the shark would just appear. | ||
| Much like a shark attack. | ||
| Much like a shark attack. | ||
| We are simulating real shark attacks in that they just come up on the cage and just... | ||
| So I got frustrated, and I was like, I wanted to see where the shark was so I could predict it because it was scaring me. | ||
| So I was sitting on top of the cage, and I'm just sitting there looking for the shark. | ||
| And dude, just like out of a fucking movie, the shark leaps at the tuna head out of the water and right at me, and I shit in my wetsuit. | ||
| I went... | ||
| And I fucking sunk and I was like panicked. | ||
| But it was an amazing experience. | ||
| Like 14 foot shark swimming right up on you. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Dude, I have a hard time just hearing that. | ||
| I'm squirming in my chair and shit. | ||
| There's a video that I tweeted today. | ||
| See if you can find it. | ||
| There's a guy who's poking at this roof. | ||
| There's a leopard that's trapped in the roof. | ||
| In India, it looks like it's in India, where they do have a problem with leopards. | ||
| And as this guy is trying to open this thing up, this fucking leopard head pops out of this little hole, a small hole, and then a leopard bursts through the fucking roof and starts attacking these people. | ||
| And they're freaking out and trying to run away, and they're trying to hit it with sticks, and it runs into this guy, and this guy fucking panics. | ||
| It's like this crazy leopard running around the street. | ||
| Here's a video of it. | ||
| Check this shit out. | ||
| Oh, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| This fucking dude is on the roof. | ||
| Okay, so look. | ||
| There's holes in the roof, and he's like trying to figure out- Look at this. | ||
| Oh, shut the fuck up! | ||
| It comes out of the roof and gets after him! | ||
| Oh, oh! | ||
| That is a fucking- It looks like a lion! | ||
| It's a leopard. | ||
| It's a big-ass leopard. | ||
| Look, you see all the spots on it? | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Holy- I mean, it's not very high res, but it appears to be a leopard, right? | ||
| Oh, look, that guy's holding the door shut. | ||
| Am I wrong? | ||
| Is that a tiger? | ||
| No, that does look like a leopard. | ||
| It's so hard to tell because it's blurry, but it looks to me like it's small and it's fast as fuck, which leopards are fast as fuck. | ||
| Super aggressive. | ||
| Leopards are super aggressive. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| Fuck all this, right? | ||
| I mean, I react the way that guy did with a leopard when a mouse is in the house. | ||
| Like, I'm like, and you, like, almost, like, can't stabilize your feet. | ||
| It's in there, man. | ||
| Yeah, that's a leopard for sure. | ||
| So it's hiding back there? | ||
| Is that what it's doing or is it killing somebody? | ||
| I think they trapped it. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It might have somebody in its jaws. | ||
| It's just a blur for me. | ||
| Oh, that's its eyes. | ||
| Fuck, dude! | ||
| That's its eyes! | ||
| Looking up! | ||
| Fuck all that, man. | ||
| And now it's back in the house? | ||
| Look how that thing got through. | ||
| Look how it comes through. | ||
| It's his house, man, as far as he's concerned. | ||
| What does he give a fuck? | ||
| They don't have any idea about, like, oh, this guy has a mortgage. | ||
| That shit doesn't mean anything to a leopard. | ||
| If he finds a good spot behind a wall, that's his house, bitch. | ||
| What, are you gonna come take it? | ||
| You're not a lion. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Look at that there. | ||
| Fucking terrifying. | ||
| There was a crazy video of, apparently that happens in some parts of India all the time. | ||
| And there was a crazy video, or a series of images rather, of this guy who had a scalp removed by this leopard. | ||
| This leopard literally claws the dude's head and his scalp comes off like a flap. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to see it. | |
| This is important. | ||
| You need to see it. | ||
| The guy, he's fine. | ||
| He got all stitched up. | ||
| He's got a cool story. | ||
| But look at the size of the flap and you realize, oh, these guys have razor blades on their fingers. | ||
| It's like it just sliced them like a fucking perfect meat knife. | ||
| And all it takes is a scent of some perfume they don't like. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But they're so unpredictable. | ||
| Yeah, fuck leopards. | ||
| Fuck jaguars. | ||
| Fuck leopards. | ||
| I wouldn't mind having one of those big savannah cats, though. | ||
| Those like servals. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Just like five of them to run my backyard. | ||
| Dude, they growl at you. | ||
| I like that shit. | ||
| Sounds sexual. | ||
| I just want something standing on my chest in the morning like... | ||
| Jon Jones has a couple of those. | ||
| He's got Bengals, one of those types of cats. | ||
| He's got them on his Instagram all the time. | ||
| He's got these big-ass cats. | ||
| They're really big. | ||
| He takes them with him on the road because you have to really bond with them. | ||
| You have to bond with them. | ||
| So he takes them with him when he goes to places to train and he does shit. | ||
| He goes on press trips and shit like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Took it to his hotel in L.A. Yeah, he brings that thing with him. | ||
| Jon Jones is eccentric as fuck. | ||
| Now you gotta be. | ||
| He's eccentric as fuck. | ||
| He brings a giant cat with him everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love one of those. | |
| Takes it walking on the leash. | ||
| Yeah, this is the guy's head. | ||
| Oh no, I don't want to see that! | ||
| Look at the top of his head. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Yeah, I see that. | ||
| I see that. | ||
| Welcome to the world of leopards. | ||
| Welcome to the world of reality. | ||
| Look at that scalp. | ||
| It scalped him, man. | ||
| I mean, that's like some cartoon shit. | ||
| That's how terrifying that thing is. | ||
| You ever cut off the tip of your finger and then you just kind of push it back on and just hope it just stays? | ||
| You're like, that never happened. | ||
| That never happened. | ||
| Super glue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I would have done, just put it back on and be like, that doesn't happen. | ||
| Well, they stitched that bitch back up, but who knows if it took. | ||
| You know, when you get a cut that big, sometimes, like, the blood supply's compromised, you can get infected. | ||
| Know you the kind of guy that if you lost the tip of your pinky finger that it would affect you or that We just become who you are and then that's a bad just like Like this guy's the tip of your fake like that's like one of like as far as people the losses that some people have incurred That's pretty goddamn small I think you take it like a man and you just move on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if it comes up, you go, yeah, fucking hell, my pinky finger. | ||
| See, that's you. | ||
| The tip of my pinky finger. | ||
| I'd be like, I'd be fucking heartbroken. | ||
| Would you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I'd be... | ||
| Get over it, bitch. | ||
| You live in America. | ||
| These people in India, they're fighting giant cats. | ||
| They're popping into their fucking shitty house. | ||
| Their house has holes in it that cats claw through. | ||
| Those aren't even the cobras. | ||
| There's cobras all over India. | ||
| Oh, everything. | ||
| All kinds of shit. | ||
| How about tigers? | ||
| How about there's places in India where, over the last 200 years, 300,000 people have been killed by tigers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I wouldn't fuck with tigers. | ||
| I fuck with lions, but I wouldn't fuck with tigers. | ||
| And this is the most hilarious thing. | ||
| They're trying to save them. | ||
| They're trying to save these tigers. | ||
| It's so important that we make sure that we keep a healthy population of monsters running through the fucking jungle that eat people. | ||
| Let's make sure we keep them alive. | ||
| They're super important. | ||
| Because without them alive, we would be so sad. | ||
| We lost the monsters. | ||
| The monsters died. | ||
| We're fucking crazy like that. | ||
| Did you ever hear Colin Quinn's joke about polar bears? | ||
| No. | ||
| He goes, I'm trying to save the polar bears? | ||
| Save the polar bears? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you something. | ||
| If a polar bear came in this room, you'd be throwing your fucking chairs at it! | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| I'm doing a horrible... | ||
| Colin Quinn! | ||
| Have you seen his new thing, Cop Show? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's on LTV, I think,.com. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| It is really good. | ||
| It's a Colin Quinn show? | ||
| It's a Colin Quinn. | ||
| It's like a documentary about a cop show, and Colin Quinn plays the lead cop. | ||
| But it's a documentary about his TV show, and it is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Oh, so a mockumentary. | ||
| It's a mockumentary, and if you like Colin Quinn, if you like Colin Quinn a little bit, you're going to lose your fucking mind. | ||
| He is so goddamn funny. | ||
| It's called Cop Show? | ||
| It's called Cop Show, and he's got guests on. | ||
| He had Jerry Seinfeld on one of the ones I saw, Jim Norton, Keith Robinson's on all of them. | ||
| He plays his buddy. | ||
| I think he's like a very underappreciated talent, Colin Quinn. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think he's like, to people that are intelligent, he's fucking brilliant. | ||
| But to really stupid people, they're like, that shit ain't even funny. | ||
| There's a lot of stupid people that, especially on his Twitter... | ||
| Like, they miss all the jokes. | ||
| Like, if you know his style of humor, you know how he's like, he's absurd, but barely. | ||
| You know, to the point where, like, he's obviously fucking with you, but he's doing it cleverly. | ||
| You know, and when he does, it's like, if you know Colin's type of humor and you're a fan of his, it becomes really, really funny. | ||
| It's like he's trolling everyone on the internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jay Moore does a fucking fantastic Colin. | ||
| His Colin's creepy, dead on point. | ||
| Colin's a unique dude. | ||
| I really feel like he's underappreciated because he's been around a long goddamn time. | ||
| He was on TV back when fucking... | ||
| He was on remote control, wasn't he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He was on TV when I was in high school. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm an old man. | ||
| Yeah, he was on TV when I was an open miker, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I remember him being on TV. He's been around a long time. | ||
| We did an episode of Trip Flip with Colin Quinn. | ||
| He was on it. | ||
| And we were going to have people do stand-up. | ||
| And so we said, what we'll do? | ||
| I said, Colin, I'll give you the mic, and then I'll put an IFB in our guy's ear. | ||
| And then you just tell him the jokes to say, and he'll say them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And Colin's like, perfect. | ||
| So I was like, all right, let's test it out. | ||
| So we put this kid in the room and Colin in the other room. | ||
| And I go, alright, let's go. | ||
| And we had completely forgotten that Colin Quinn is so fucking funny that when you hear him talk, you'll fall apart laughing. | ||
| So the kid couldn't say anything because he's just doubled over going, say it again, say it again! | ||
| And all he was doing was making fun of me. | ||
| He's like, what's this guy, an ex-WWF wrestler? | ||
| What's up with the beard? | ||
| Like, just destroying me. | ||
| But yeah, Colin... | ||
| I think Colin... | ||
| Tough Crowd is one of my favorite shows ever. | ||
| You know, Keith Robinson and Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane were talking about that the other day on their podcast. | ||
| It was on... | ||
| It might have been their show. | ||
| Like, they were on XM. But they were talking and they were taking calls and stuff. | ||
| And they were talking about how, like, there's a different kind of mentality, at least in L.A., at the clubs... | ||
| All the mean comics have died off, like that fun, mean shit where you don't really mean it, but it's hilarious, just tearing each other apart. | ||
| That stuff has died off for some reason, and it's been replaced by, Bonnie said it best, she said it was like an acting class sort of a vibe. | ||
| That everyone's like, good to see you. | ||
| I really enjoyed you on this. | ||
| I really thought you were me. | ||
| She goes, it's like this weird alt crowd is coming over and there's like this air of phoniness about it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That you get from like acting class. | ||
| You know, like acting class is filled with people that are trying to like posture themselves. | ||
| Real actors too, but you know what I'm saying. | ||
| There's a few people in every fucking acting class that are trying really hard to become that person. | ||
| Stereotypical, prototypical California actor. | ||
| Where they don't say, here's one of the things they don't say. | ||
| They don't say, nice to meet you. | ||
| Because they might have already met you. | ||
| So they say, good to see you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They all say it! | |
| They all say it! | ||
| They all fucking say it! | ||
| Good to see you! | ||
| Listen, you can't say that. | ||
| You can't say, good to see you, unless you're seeing me again. | ||
| It's like, good to see you again. | ||
| Oh, again. | ||
| Where's the again? | ||
| Good to see you? | ||
| Good to see you? | ||
| It's good to see everything. | ||
| It's good to not be blind. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Good to see you? | ||
| Are you seeing me for the first time? | ||
| How many times do you think you've seen me before? | ||
| How many times we met, motherfucker? | ||
| Do you know me, bitch? | ||
| Yes or no? | ||
| No, you don't know me, you fucking fraud! | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| You say, yeah, we met before. | ||
| Fuck, we have! | ||
| We never met before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good to see you. | |
| What does that mean, you noncommittal fuck? | ||
| I saw a dude at my kid's school today at drop-off. | ||
| I'm talking to my buddy John, and some guy goes, hey, what's up, Bert? | ||
| Hey, Chris? | ||
|
unidentified
|
My buddy John, and I just talked to my buddy John and go, well, because I won't say anything. | |
| That happens all the time. | ||
| I've done that before. | ||
| And you go, oh, no, did I say Steve? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| His name's not Steve. | ||
| Now I have to tell him I know his real name. | ||
| Oh, I fucking hate that. | ||
| Come on, Bob. | ||
| You think I think you're Steve? | ||
| That's why I call everyone Boo for the same reason because I've fucked myself over so many times. | ||
| And when you fuck yourself over the wrong comic or comedian, they're always going to remember that. | ||
| Like that motherfucker called me Jeff or something like that. | ||
| People have a hard time letting that shit go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a hard time remembering names. | ||
| Yeah, of course you do. | ||
| Well, that's that thing. | ||
| There's a certain number that you have in your head. | ||
| And you get past that number, and it's called Dunbar's number. | ||
| You got 150 people in your head. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all you got room for. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You get more than 150 people, you gotta delete names. | ||
| Like, you can't have, like, friendships with more than 150 people. | ||
| You just don't have the data base. | ||
| I think I spent those numbers up in, like, third grade when I'd look at the yearbook and look at the kids older than me. | ||
| There's still people older than me in Berkeley Prep grade school that I remember them distinctly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| I remember looking at those pictures and seeing the hot girls, Holly Clifford, and now I still remember her. | ||
| I remember what her picture looked like. | ||
| People that had an impact on you, you're going to remember them for sure. | ||
| You're always going to remember them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people that, like, if you meet a bunch of people on a daily basis, like, how many people are you meeting? | ||
| You're talking about you did 60 fucking shows, and how many people are on each show? | ||
| That's like 120 people already, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| At least? | ||
| So that's no way. | ||
| There's no way you're going to remember all of them. | ||
| It's unfortunate. | ||
| Like, there's people that were on Fear Factor, and I'll meet them again, and I'll go, What the fuck? | ||
| Where do I know? | ||
| I try to remember where I know them. | ||
| Oh, we did the thing with the bowl. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, hey, man. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I have access to those files again. | ||
| My brain will go, yeah, yeah, let me pull that up. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| In my regular brain, my regular memory, it just wasn't available. | ||
| But your brain will give you access to these files if you pull them up every now and then. | ||
| If you delete certain things, you could still find them. | ||
| They're in your trash, but you haven't emptied your trash yet. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It gives you a chance to pull them back. | ||
| But I think it gets to a certain point and then there's no more file. | ||
| The file does not exist. | ||
| Yeah, I'm done. | ||
| I'm done with the files. | ||
| And now I'm dreaming so intensely that I'm literally going through every morning and I have like fucking 13 dreams that I'm remembering. | ||
| And that's kind of fucking with my day. | ||
| Why are you having so many dreams? | ||
| I have no idea, man. | ||
| I think I broke my governor with the lucid dreaming. | ||
| Like, I got really into lucid dreaming, and I was lucid dreaming constantly. | ||
| Still am. | ||
| I mean, today, last night I had a dream about getting arrested at the Hillsborough Lake with a bunch of my friends. | ||
| And I was in my underwear, and they had the dogs putting us down. | ||
| And then I woke up, and they had thrown tear gas at us, and the dogs were standing over us and were handcuffed. | ||
| And it's like me and four friends spread out. | ||
| And I woke up, and I went, oh, I'm not done with that cop. | ||
| Because I need to levy justice in that dream. | ||
| And so I went back to sleep and I just started dreaming immediately about that cop. | ||
| So this is something that we actually talked about this. | ||
| Did we talk about this? | ||
| You and I talked about this on the podcast before? | ||
| You got me on Alpha Brain and what I've realized is my lucid dreaming is attached to Alpha Brain in the sense that Alpha Brain will give me energy and make me think quicker and faster. | ||
| I don't know if it was caffeine or what was in it. | ||
| It's no caffeine. | ||
| It's probably choline. | ||
| Acetylcholine is something that people have reported. | ||
| If you take it, it gives you really intense dreams. | ||
| Yeah, that's a one of the like universal things that people said about alpha brain is the the dream part I've always said it makes it feels like I got I'm not a lucid dreamer where I don't have any techniques I don't practice it but occasionally I found myself in that state and when I find myself in that state where I realize that I'm dreaming It feels like it's more it's it always used to feel like a like a child's bubble You know when you blow a bubble like if you touch it it pops. | ||
| Yeah, it became like a basketball I'm like I could bounce this motherfucker around like this dream I could bounce it around, but I know I never pursued it You pursued it like you got into like the techniques and you you got into like getting your mind in the right state No, no just blacking out and then passing out drunk Yeah, but I mean you say you got into lucid dreaming like you're practicing it, right? | ||
| The thing is is that I found myself waking up and being able to get back into dreams and And then I went, there's something to that. | ||
| And then I found myself, for a big chunk, a big, big chunk, being in a dream state for almost the entire night without sleeping. | ||
| Like, I mean, and I put this on the sensitivity of my Fitbit watch. | ||
| I put it on the sensitivity. | ||
| Very sensitive when I sleep. | ||
| I'm always sleeping, really, like, sleeping, like, three to four hours a night. | ||
| But I'm out the whole night. | ||
| But I'm having these intense, really... | ||
| Like, all-encompassing dreams, you know? | ||
| And I was weaving my way in and out of them. | ||
| I was having my way with them. | ||
| I mean, they were like, it was like next level. | ||
| I talked about it on a podcast I did with Shane Moss, and I ended up, he asked me about the stream, I told him, and then I ended up crying in the middle of it because it was about a buddy who killed himself, but it was such a surreal fucking dream that even telling anyone about it, they're like, how the fuck did that, like, are you serious? | ||
| Did you ever think about reading books on it and getting deep into the methods that people use to achieve those states? | ||
| I did online. | ||
| I've read a bunch about dreaming online and I even took it as far as I became obsessed with it and I wanted to do a dreamcast where I'd bring in like a zen buddhist monk to relax you And get you to sleep, and then for like seven minutes we get you to sleep, and then give you a period of two minutes silent, and then I am like the Dreamweaver. | ||
| And I go, alright guys, we're in. | ||
| And so as you're sleeping, because that happens to me a lot, I know I've told you that, I'll have dreams of you, I dream of you and Fitzsimmons hanging out in my living room talking, and I just, it was you guys on my podcast, and I was sleeping and it was just immersing itself into my head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it's like, it was so funny because whatever you guys were talking about, I had an opinion, and I kept trying to interrupt you guys, and you were like, hold on, Bert, Bert, stop. | ||
| How bizarre. | ||
| But yeah, dreaming for me is like... | ||
| I feel like I need it in life in order to stay sane. | ||
| Because my dreams are like fucking literally... | ||
| When I say 13 dreams a night that I remember, sometimes 30 dreams. | ||
| God damn, dude. | ||
| And you remember them all? | ||
| I remember... | ||
| What will happen is I'll tell you one, and then as I tell you one, it'll untangle all the other ones, and it'll start coming out like a braid. | ||
| And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then... | ||
| And so I called Doug Benson. | ||
| My dreams were so intense at one point. | ||
| Doug Benson asked me to leave them to him on his answering machine. | ||
| So I leave him on his answering machine now. | ||
| And then he puts them on Doug Loves Minis. | ||
| So he puts my dreams on Doug Loves Minis. | ||
| Like, I mean, I can't even, like, I had a dream one time. | ||
| This is one of my funnier dreams. | ||
| Doug Benson has an answering machine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's his voicemail. | ||
| It's just his voicemail. | ||
| Can you use his car phone to call his answering machine? | ||
| I had a dream one time that I'm standing like this, okay? | ||
| I'm on stage, and I'm standing like this. | ||
| Okay, hands on the hips, very feminine, more flamboyantly gay than feminine. | ||
| If a woman did that, you'd be confused. | ||
| So I look, and I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| And there's a curtain right in front of me, and I'm like, what is this? | ||
| And I look to the left, and I see four dudes, staggered stance, two with me, two behind us, in Klan outfits. | ||
| Ku Klux Klan. | ||
| Ku Klux Klan outfits. | ||
| And I look, and you know sometimes there'll be a mirror on the side of those stages? | ||
| I look and I see me. | ||
| I'm not in a Klan outfit, but I'm all in white, and I've got a dunce cap on. | ||
| And I'm like, that's close enough. | ||
| Like, even if I don't look just like them, and in the dream I thought, Travel Channel's gonna be pissed. | ||
| When they see that I'm dancing, and all of a sudden I hear the curtains start to pull back, and I'm about to get off stage, and I hear, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the click-clack clans! | ||
| And we start tap dancing, and I've always wanted to tap dance. | ||
| The click-clack clans. | ||
| And we start tap dancing, and just fucking hammering it out. | ||
| I'm like, I can't get off stage! | ||
| It's so much fun! | ||
| And then I woke up, and I was like, Benson, I had a dream. | ||
| Dude, that would actually be a great sketch. | ||
| The click-clack clans. | ||
| You should write this down. | ||
| It's on Doug Benson's answering machine. | ||
| No, no, I mean like make a sketch out of it about these guys that were in the Klan but they feel bad and they don't hate black people anymore and they want to entertain and spread their new message and so they start going around the country tap dancing. | ||
| And along the way, they encounter so many mean black people, they become racist again. | ||
| Towards the end, they turn back around. | ||
| They just start doing black rooms! | ||
| And it's so hard to break over in black rooms! | ||
| People get really mad at them because they used to be in the Klan. | ||
| Like, fuck you, but we're not in the Klan anymore. | ||
| I'm telling you, we're not racist. | ||
| We have a total change of heart. | ||
| We already have the costumes, that's why we're wearing them. | ||
| We're just being buffoons as the Klan. | ||
| And by the end of it, they're like, fuck black people. | ||
| I'm back. | ||
| I'm back. | ||
| I'm moving back to Tennessee. | ||
| I'm moving back to the mountains. | ||
| Back to the deep woods. | ||
| The click-clack clans. | ||
| There was a period of my dreams, like a big chunk where they were like cyclical and had amazing endings. | ||
| I mean, I was just like, I was blown away and I was telling Benson, he's like, leave him on my thing and I'll put him on my podcast. | ||
| So I started doing it. | ||
| And then what happens, and I'm going through this right now, is I go through a big period. | ||
| I was leaving him a lot of malaria dreams because they were insane. | ||
| And then I get, I'm so, I'm so keyed into dreaming that I'm dreaming obsessively where I am right now where I'm having like fucking 13 to 35 a night. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And I can't stop them and I'm not relaxing. | ||
| Have you ever been able to remember all 35 of them? | ||
| Oh, yeah, I could. | ||
| I mean, obviously I don't, even if I listen to my dreams now, if I go to Doug Loves Minnie's and listen to my dreams. | ||
| You put all your dreams on Doug Benson's podcast? | ||
| Yeah, why don't you do it on your own? | ||
| Yeah, why don't you have Bert's dreams? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dreamtime. | |
| Have a separate podcast, Burt's Dreams. | ||
| I did it at a time. | ||
| It just came out organically, and I was like, people are going to fucking hate the moment that they're on my podcast. | ||
| Wait a minute, does he have commercials on that? | ||
| Oh yeah, he's making money off of Burt's Dreams. | ||
| He's making money off your dreams? | ||
| It's typical Hollywood. | ||
| No, it's Burt Gloves minis. | ||
| It's like a five-minute just catch-up of the week. | ||
| Anyway, it felt pure. | ||
| Did you sign any papers about Bert Lozmini's on Doug Benson's podcast? | ||
| What's going on here, Bert? | ||
| You getting fucked over here? | ||
| Business-wise, I feel like you're getting fucked. | ||
| No. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| You've got commercials on your dreams. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been thinking about doing a big, long one of all my dreams for him, because they're just... | ||
| Well, you should just release a podcast where you wake up and you explain in great detail. | ||
| I mean, you could do 15 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever, and just release it as a podcast. | ||
| People would love that. | ||
| If you're really having that many at night... | ||
| Dreamcatcher. | ||
| Make it a cool dream podcast. | ||
| Bert's Dreamcatcher. | ||
| Bert's Dreams. | ||
| Yeah, how about a podcast? | ||
| Just real simple. | ||
| Bert's Dreams. | ||
| And it's just you talking about your dreams. | ||
| Every single episode is a dream, and that's it. | ||
| There's no sports talk. | ||
| All your dreams. | ||
| All your dreams. | ||
| Maybe I will. | ||
| Yeah, like you could do, you know, you could do how they tied in together, what you did before you went to bed, what you drank that put you in this catatonic state where you believe that you're in a bubble bath that's the size of the Philadelphia Eagle Stadium. | ||
| You're floating in there, and you're naked, but no one could see you because the water's so high. | ||
| You could have a bunch of different fucking crazy dreams that you could just relay. | ||
| You could have your kids tell their dreams. | ||
| You could tell their kids dreams too. | ||
| I have a whole Burt family. | ||
| I have a bunch of dreams. | ||
| Usually, like lately, all my dreams have been comics. | ||
| All my dreams have been about comics. | ||
| I had a dream about you and Jim Norton and Bill Burr and a bunch of guys in a radio show two nights ago. | ||
| But they're all about comics right now. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because you've been doing the road a lot? | ||
| Because I haven't been doing stand-up as much as I've been doing stand-up. | ||
| And so now I've started back on stand-up, and I think I'm just inspired by a bunch of people who I feel like are doing it a lot better than me. | ||
| So you said you haven't been doing stand-up as much as you've been doing stand-up. | ||
| I think you've probably been doing the show more? | ||
| I've been doing TV more than I've been doing stand-up. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| You put me in a weird quagmire when we had that conversation in Vietnam because I said, alright, so I've been very attentive to writing material about these things that I've been doing. | ||
| And I've been going back and looking at all the activities. | ||
| However, I feel like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like... | |
| It's really interesting. | ||
| So often you hear comics come on the podcast and they'll talk about writing new material. | ||
| Jamie, are you getting a beer? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Writing new material versus the addiction of killing. | ||
| And I think I'd always thought, because I write on stage, I'm like, yeah... | ||
| I always write. | ||
| I'm not worried about that. | ||
| But then this weekend I was in Columbus and I noticed that when I would get into a spot where it was a genuine new bit about scuba diving 80 feet to go see a wreck or riding in a Top Fuel drag store or jumping off this Moza Bambita Stadium, that when it started to bomb, that's the panic feeling where people go, I need to get out and do an old bit. | ||
| And to be able to own that bomb and sit in there and trust it and trust that That these people are going to get a piece of shit joke right now that I'm working on, but trust me, one day it'll be better. | ||
| Well, that's what LA clubs are for. | ||
| It's for writing. | ||
| That's where you should really fuck around and try to expand bits, try to come up with new ways to do them. | ||
| You can take a lot of chances in LA club. | ||
| Gaffigan and I had a conversation about this. | ||
| It was kind of interesting. | ||
| He's like, I always do new shit, but I always want to make sure the show is good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the most important thing. | ||
| I'm not going to go up there and do a completely new stuff and bomb. | ||
| If it's all going bad, I will go to old stuff that I know really works. | ||
| He's like, the most important thing for me is that the show's good, which makes a lot of sense, especially if they're paying high ticket dollar prices in theaters, which is a lot of stuff he's doing. | ||
| He's got a pretty big obligation to have a good show. | ||
| People got babysitters. | ||
| They came out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's where the LA clubs come in. | ||
| That's where fucking around comes in here, you know, at the store, the improv, or just going up and, you know, just going up with like a skeleton of a joke and trying to figure out what it is, recording it, listening to it, going back over it. | ||
| I don't record it. | ||
| You should record it. | ||
| You got an iPhone? | ||
| Just use your phone. | ||
| It's not hard to do. | ||
| I don't know, yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I feel like when I record it, I actually say it differently than if I feel if it's getting lost to the ethos, then I feel like it's in the spirit, it's in the moment, and it's live by the sword, die by the sword type shit. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I mean, if you like doing that, there's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| It just takes longer to get a bit better. | ||
| Yeah, the reality of recording is, if you do it all the time, you're not going to say it any different if you're recording. | ||
| Every set that I have, I record. | ||
| So every set, it's like when it's 100% of your sets, it's never different because you're recording. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, it just becomes doing a set. | ||
| So, if I say something, I don't have to ponder afterwards, what did I say? | ||
| What did I say? | ||
| I have a recording. | ||
| Because there's a lot of times where you're saying things off the cuff, and you're like, that's the line! | ||
| That's the line! | ||
| And, dude, if you're not recording, that line can escape you. | ||
| It can leave you and never return. | ||
| You can take yourself into some strange headspace, because when you're doing a bit... | ||
| Something might happen, or someone might react to it in a certain way, and because they react to it in a certain way, you say, well, you're thinking, duh, and that's the best line of the joke. | ||
| And that just came out of that particular moment. | ||
| If you don't capture that, you might not ever be able to recreate it in your memory. | ||
| Because you're in that weird zen state where you're killing, too. | ||
| That's part of the problem. | ||
| When you're really in the groove, you're in that zen state where you're barely there. | ||
| You're like a ride on this thing. | ||
| And when you're creating all those new bits in that sort of zen state, a lot of times you can't remember what you said. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I usually end up saying out loud, if I say something new that's really good, I'll go, can someone please tweet that to me? | ||
| That works. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some guy tweeted me, sushi, your kid's sucking dick. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Because I was like, by the end of the night, I'm hammered. | ||
| And then it was the idea that, I don't know how the bit goes, because I said it in the moment, but I'll figure it out, but that... | ||
| To guys watching gay porn is like giving your kid sushi for the first time. | ||
| Like, I don't think I like it. | ||
| And you're like, well, put it in your mouth. | ||
| See what you think. | ||
| Maybe you like it. | ||
| And they're like, no. | ||
| And the texture's gonna freak me out. | ||
| I heard it's expensive. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I heard you can get sick from eating it. | ||
| People, if they get sick, they always blame sushi. | ||
| Oh, I got diarrhea. | ||
| I ate sushi. | ||
| I ate bad sushi. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| How the fuck do you know? | ||
| You eat things all day. | ||
| Joe, you know, what's funny about that is that it's almost impossible to get food poisoning from sushi because in the United States, sushi is flash frozen. | ||
| It has to be frozen and then re-thawed out. | ||
| So it's like almost impossible for you to actually... | ||
| That's not totally true. | ||
| There's certain sushis where you can get parasites from, especially freshwater fish. | ||
| Right, but when people get sick, it's from the rice. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Well, I bet some people get sick from the salmon, too. | ||
| Certain freshwater fish is parasites. | ||
| Saltwater fish, you don't really have to worry about it as much. | ||
| But freshwater fish. | ||
| I drank ghost blood with a Maasai chief the other day. | ||
| I've given up on any of that fucking... | ||
| Because I'm a nervous eater about stuff like that. | ||
| Ghost blood? | ||
| Ghost blood. | ||
| Cut its throat. | ||
| Poured it into a horn. | ||
| Put some grass in there. | ||
| Shook it up. | ||
| Gave it to me like... | ||
| Why grass? | ||
| It's not disgusting enough by itself. | ||
| That's a good question, Joe. | ||
| Let's get some grass that a hyena pissed on. | ||
| I had thought of that in the moment. | ||
| Mix that shit up with the goat blood. | ||
| Here's your goat blood hyena piss smoothie. | ||
| Ooh, it was irony. | ||
| It tasted like liver. | ||
| Irony? | ||
| It was real irony. | ||
| You could feel it like tin out your mouth a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Well, it makes sense, man. | ||
| That's a hard scrub of life, being a goat. | ||
| Goats live in places where there's not a lot of water, right? | ||
| There's no fucking water where we were. | ||
| They can survive a long time with no water. | ||
| Those mountain goats, they must taste like shit. | ||
| I heard they taste like shit. | ||
| No, they taste great. | ||
| Like, can you eat them? | ||
| Yeah, we put them on skewers, had a fire, and then had the skewers angled from the fire, and just cooked it. | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| That's the way they cook. | ||
| I learned, too, that's the way they cooked medium rare to well done, is they stick that stick in the fire that way, and it cooks. | ||
| I wonder if something else I found, I was meditating with a Zen Buddhist priest in Japan. | ||
| Wait, what are you saying? | ||
| They stick that stick in and it melts? | ||
| What? | ||
| So if there's a fire, they stick the stick in this way, and that's how this is more well done and this is less well done. | ||
| So that's how they cook it. | ||
| People are listening to this, so try to explain this in a way that makes sense. | ||
| Because I'm confused and I'm right in front of you. | ||
| If you build a fire... | ||
| What you just said, if you look at that on paper, people are like, what the fuck is he saying? | ||
| Let's just mark it off to I wasn't listening and I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about! | ||
| There's a stick, they stick it in the fire and then put the meat on the stick? | ||
| They skewer the stick. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So they skewer the meat on a stick. | ||
| All the size have this big sward that's like fucking this long. | ||
| It's fucking sharp as shit. | ||
| They make it sharp as shit and thin. | ||
| So they make a stick, they turn into like a barb. | ||
| And then they basically skewer all the goat's meat on the stick, like a kebab, and then they shove it right next to the fire. | ||
| Like two o'clock on a clock. | ||
| Well, they put it all around the fire, really, just like hands on a clock. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then, but they're angled out. | ||
| I see. | ||
| They're angled, pointing away. | ||
| And I said, that's interesting. | ||
| And he said, well, no, the top ones aren't as well done, and the bottoms are more well done. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes sense. | |
| And so I was like, I thought that was really fucking fascinating. | ||
| I was like, holy shit, in my head, I'm like, I could just grill my shit. | ||
| Like, I could actually, but then I talked to him about wood, and it's really specific about what kind of wood you use. | ||
| You can't just use any wood. | ||
| So there's certain different types of wood that people will cook with, especially in Africa. | ||
| Well, that's in America, too. | ||
| You watch those barbecue contests. | ||
| You ever see those barbecue contests? | ||
| Those get you fascinated. | ||
| Those get you wanting to smoke a meat. | ||
| Smoke a brisket or some shit. | ||
| Always have, like, a cherry tree. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cherry tree. | ||
| Dude, we had fucking veal, or... | ||
| Venison sausage? | ||
| I need venison sausage. | ||
| I got some. | ||
| I got some in my house. | ||
| It's one of my favorites. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| Oh, I fucking love it. | ||
| You have to mix pork fat into it, though. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Like, yeah, most venison sausage is not really venison sausage. | ||
| It's venison sausage with pork fat. | ||
| I cook ground venison. | ||
| I take ground venison and I cook it and I'll use gluten-free pasta or sprouted grain pasta and I'll mix it all together with some tomato sauce. | ||
| It's fucking fantastic. | ||
| But it's one of the rare times where people use ground venison by itself. | ||
| Most ground venison they mix up with pork fat. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because it's so lean. | ||
| Because it's a healthy animal. | ||
| I mean, it's an animal that's running around eating crops and grass and alfalfa and shit and running all over the place. | ||
| They don't have much body fat on them. | ||
| So if you had just the meat of the deer in the sausage, it would probably be really dry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wouldn't like it. | ||
| Venison. | ||
| I've had a bunch of venison as of late, and I just fucking love it. | ||
| It's really good for you, dude. | ||
| I really love it. | ||
| You know what's the best, though? | ||
| Elk. | ||
| Oh, I've had elk. | ||
| Elk's insane. | ||
| I need to get one of those. | ||
| I'm going on two elk hunts this fall. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have a problem with wolves. | ||
| They've killed so many elk. | ||
| There's certain populations, certain parts of America where the elk populations drop down to 20% of its original size. | ||
| I think I heard, what's his name, Ranella talk about that on your podcast. | ||
| Yeah, there's places where it's dropped 50%, but there's still a lot of elk. | ||
| There's a lot of elk. | ||
| It's just about getting near them. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| My friend Helen Cho, she's the woman who works for 0.0. | ||
| She works with Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| She works with Steve Rinella on his show. | ||
| They took her hunting for the first time. | ||
| She's been here a bunch of times hanging out with us when Rinella's come on. | ||
| And she's like super sweet, like, you know, grew up in Brooklyn. | ||
| And on Rinella's show, he took her hunting. | ||
| Her and another woman who works in the office, they took the both of them with my friend Ryan Callahan and Rinella. | ||
| And they took them to Montana to shoot an elk. | ||
| But you see like these herds of elk where there's like 50, 60, 70, 80, or 100 elk. | ||
| Like giant herds of these cow elks. | ||
| And so she picks one out and she drops it and she, you know, they cooked it that night. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It's crazy watching, like, knowing her, like, knowing her as a person that's, like, you know, didn't really have a lot of experience outdoors at all. | ||
| It wasn't, like, a crazy fitness person or an extreme athlete who's doing nutty things all the time. | ||
| She, you know, is a regular person, very nice person, works in an office, you know, works for Anthony Bourdain and 0.0 and all of a sudden she's shooting a fucking elk in the mountains of Montana in the snow and the woods and it's like, It's wild shit, dude. | ||
| Did you did she like cry or anything? | ||
| She was pretty not a cry, but she could tell she was like really was like an overwhelming experience She was like there's no words for this, which is how I felt to the first time I shot a deer It's like there's no words for this. | ||
| This is wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not like hitting a home run Nah. | |
| Hitting a home run, there's no sense of loss. | ||
| There's a weird sense of loss when you shoot an animal. | ||
| Like, you're gonna eat that animal so you don't feel bad about it. | ||
| At least I didn't feel bad about it. | ||
| I thought about it for so long before I actually did it. | ||
| But there's a sense of loss. | ||
| When you hit a home run, it's all like, yeah, yippee! | ||
| Nothing has to die. | ||
| When you're gutting an animal and you've got your hands inside of its body and you feel the hot body cavity, it's really weird. | ||
| I stuck my hands in a buffalo one time. | ||
| We shot it up on Crow Nation. | ||
| It was hard. | ||
| It was tough. | ||
| Which show was this? | ||
| We went hunting with the crow. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You shot a buffalo? | ||
| Shot a buffalo up on a perch like a sniper. | ||
| It was with the whole pack. | ||
| And they have to keep the male population down because it fucks with it. | ||
| And so they know which one they're shooting and they go out and they pop it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what was really fascinating to me, and the small details of a story overwhelm me. | ||
| Like the little thing that you wouldn't normally talk about in a story. | ||
| But what was funny to me was kind of the gallows humor that these Crow Indians had as they were gutting the buffalo. | ||
| They weren't being disrespectful of the animal, but I guess you cut out its asshole? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they were laughing as they cut out the asshole because it's kids' first time cutting the asshole out. | ||
| And it was kind of an interesting, almost morbid humor, but like comics kind of humor. | ||
| You couldn't offend anyone in that circle. | ||
| And then when they were like, put your hand in the buffalo, and I was like, oh, no. | ||
| And they're like, come on, do it. | ||
| Be a man. | ||
| And they had a little kid put his hand in. | ||
| They go, you've got to feel it. | ||
| It's an animal. | ||
| It was just alive. | ||
| So I was like, fuck it, so I've got to do it. | ||
| Put my hand in there, and it just kind of took me over. | ||
| I was like, oh, fuck, this is human warm. | ||
| Like, this is... | ||
| Way warmer. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like, yeah, it was hot. | ||
| And it was really kind of, I don't know, it blew me away. | ||
| But I kept saying in my head, it was similar... | ||
| To being a comic, because comics can't get offended, so there was no, like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was no PC police there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You just killed an animal. | ||
| You're all in this together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, uh... | ||
| It's like, I was overwhelmed. | ||
| And then we ate the buffalo that night, and it was fucking fantastic. | ||
| Buffalo's delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Some of the best meat for you, too. | ||
| It's leaner than chicken. | ||
| It's leaner than chicken. | ||
| It's super high in protein. | ||
| It tastes better than beef. | ||
| It's really good, man. | ||
| Fuck chia seeds. | ||
| Especially if they have a good diet. | ||
| Fuck chia seeds. | ||
| I'm on chia seeds right now. | ||
| It's the biggest mistake I ever fucking made. | ||
| You ever drink those chia drinks? | ||
| They're really good. | ||
| I'm just swallowing the seeds whole like Taylor Swift. | ||
| Oh, don't do that, man. | ||
| You get to get these chia drinks. | ||
| I forget what it's named, but it's like chia and in between there's some juice or something like that. | ||
| And so it's like it slips down like real easy. | ||
| This actually tastes good and it's super healthy for you. | ||
| Apparently, well the reason I was eating them is because they expand in your stomach and so they make you feel full faster. | ||
| But then you just shit babies. | ||
| I mean, you're shitting a thousand ants. | ||
| You want to lose weight. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| This is the only way, buddy. | ||
| Dolce fucking emailed me. | ||
| See this here? | ||
| You gotta let this go. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| This has gotta go away. | ||
| Dolce texted me the other night. | ||
| Mike Dolce. | ||
| And he was like, hey, bro, what's up? | ||
| Or on Twitter. | ||
| I was like, I'm fat as fuck. | ||
| Can you fix this? | ||
| And I sent a picture. | ||
| Can you fix this? | ||
| You know how to fix it? | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| Everybody knows how to fix it. | ||
| Nobody wants to fix it, man. | ||
| They all want to talk about fixing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody wants to talk about fixing it and stay almost exactly the same weight pretty much forever. | ||
| A few people break loose from the herd and become thin. | ||
| And you're like, how the fuck did you do it, man? | ||
| And they're like, man, I just didn't eat bullshit. | ||
| Like, that's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| I don't know how you did that. | ||
| I just cut back on the Cheetos ice cream and soda and fucking melted off me. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I want to maintain my lifestyle and simply add in more activity and hope that it disappears that way. | ||
| You need to burn off insane amounts of calories. | ||
| That's what people don't understand. | ||
| If you want to get your body to the point where it's burning off fat, you got to burn off more calories than you're taking in. | ||
| I mean, it's like super simple, but most people aren't willing to do that. | ||
| They're just not willing to eat less than your body needs. | ||
| What? | ||
| No, I'm still hungry. | ||
| What kind of bullshit is this? | ||
| This diet could suck my dick! | ||
| And then you get crazy, and you start eating cookies, and the next thing you know it, the diet's gone. | ||
| You just can't take it anymore. | ||
| I get in those moments where I see Oreos, and I just go... | ||
| They're good. | ||
| There's milk right next to them. | ||
| Someone pours a glass of milk and Oreos. | ||
| If they're fucking with you, if they're trying to get you... | ||
| Do they do that shit on The Biggest Loser? | ||
| Do they put cake and ice cream? | ||
| No, it's the opposite. | ||
| Isn't The Biggest Loser the one where they have the big table buffet where they have to go around and they can't... | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| What show? | ||
| What show is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm positive. | |
| I've been watching The Biggest Loser all the time. | ||
| The Biggest Loser would never incorporate unhealthy lifestyle in it whatsoever. | ||
| They would never tempt them with that. | ||
| That's not the theme of the show. | ||
| What show was that? | ||
| Probably Celebrity Fat Person. | ||
| Oh, Celebrity Fat Fuck. | ||
| That would be the great name of the show. | ||
| Celebrity Fat Fuck. | ||
| They didn't find out the name of the show until the first day when they lined them all up, and they're like, gentlemen, or people, I'd like to welcome you to Celebrity Fat Fuck, and you just watch them all go, oh man, fuck. | ||
| My agent's a dick. | ||
| My agent's an asshole. | ||
| You know what's interesting about fat? | ||
| This is the reality about diets. | ||
| Is that everybody doesn't get an even starting point. | ||
| That's what's not fair. | ||
| Some people just get weird bodies that just, like, you look at them and you see, like, little babies. | ||
| Like, little chubby babies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, my daughter was in this dance class, and there's little girls with her when she's little. | ||
| She's, like, you know, two, three years old. | ||
| There's other little two, three-year-olds, and some of them are just fat as fuck. | ||
| Some of them, their parents are fat, their parents sit down there, and they struggle to sit. | ||
| They sit down, and this kid waddles out there and dances. | ||
| You're like, whoa. | ||
| This kid doesn't even get a chance. | ||
| From jump, she's overweight. | ||
| She's carrying all this body fat at three. | ||
| Well, because the food that that kid's getting fed, I'm sure, is also whatever the parent's eating. | ||
| It certainly could be, but you could feed that to my kid, and they would burn it right off. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's not even. | ||
| It's just not even. | ||
| My oldest daughter's, like, super skinny, man. | ||
| The middle one, actually. | ||
| She's super skinny. | ||
| Like, she, like, is always thin, like, really thin. | ||
| And she eats whatever she wants. | ||
| She never has to worry about it. | ||
| She always wants another scoop of ice cream. | ||
| And, you know, we don't restrict. | ||
| We give them, like, mostly healthy food, but we don't restrict shit. | ||
| I don't believe in restricting things. | ||
| I believe, like, and also reminding them after they eat ice cream how they feel like shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, like, after they eat ice cream, like, that was good, right? | ||
| It tasted good, but damn, I feel tired now. | ||
| Do you feel tired? | ||
| And they're like, yes. | ||
| Why do I feel tired when I eat ice cream? | ||
| Well, your body's not supposed to have that much sugar. | ||
| Like, it sucks because it tastes really good. | ||
| She goes, it does suck. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I know. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's a weird trick we play on ourselves. | ||
| I want her to know about that trick when she's six, not when she's 26 and she's throwing up in the toilet to try to stay thin. | ||
| It's good to have... | ||
| Fatty foods is fun sometimes. | ||
| I don't believe it's good to miss out on all the pleasures in life because some people get hooked on them. | ||
| I think that's horseshit. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Like bacon is fucking delicious. | ||
| I'm not quitting. | ||
| I will never stop eating bacon. | ||
| It's not gonna fucking happen. | ||
| It's too good. | ||
| When I sit there and I'm chewing on a crispy piece of bacon, this cooked maybe just a little too long, but it's just crunching in my mouth and the saltiness and the sweetness of the pig fat that's just warm and melting in my mouth as I chew it down, breaking down the crispy fat. | ||
| I'm not! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not! | |
| I'm not stopping! | ||
| It's never happening. | ||
| Never! | ||
| If you bake bacon at like 425 for 20 minutes, it is the perfect... | ||
| I mean, it's translucent. | ||
| And it melts in your mouth, and I swear to God, if dick tastes like that, my dad had bruised knees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I fucking love bacon. | |
| Was I telling you today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I haven't had a dick tasting like that on his knees! | |
| I fucking love that taste. | ||
| Well, Rob Wolf is one of the paleo diet pioneer guys, just a sort of genius fitness health guy. | ||
| He slow cooks bacon every morning. | ||
| He's like, it's a ritual. | ||
| He gets that fat bacon from Whole Foods, you know, those thick-ass bacons, and he puts on this, like, fucking slow bacon cooker, and he's like, as I'm getting ready for my day, and I'm going through my day, it's smelling, the aroma's filling the house. | ||
| It's like, there's a bunch of experiences going on. | ||
| I'm like, God damn these poor vegans. | ||
| These poor bastards! | ||
| My wife, my wife, you know how like women have scents? | ||
| Like a woman will have a scent when you start dating them. | ||
| You're like, oh, she kinda smells like strawberries. | ||
| I had a chick one time that smelled like fucking bologna. | ||
| I was like, ugh. | ||
| I ended up dating her for two years. | ||
| Processed. | ||
| But my wife smells like bacon. | ||
| Every morning she makes the same thing. | ||
| She's southern. | ||
| Bacon, eggs, biscuits, and fruit for the kids. | ||
| Every fucking morning. | ||
| That's a good call. | ||
| That's a good back rust. | ||
| My house reeks of bacon. | ||
| I'd even take my bacon game to the next level. | ||
| When you go to buy your bacon, if you buy it at like just a regular store, they have the thick cut. | ||
| Don't get the thick cut that's spread out like playing cards, like fanned out. | ||
| Get the thick cut that's packed in like dollar bills, okay? | ||
| And then look at this. | ||
| You've got to make sure that the beginning to the end of that thick cut is even. | ||
| You don't want any dips in it. | ||
| Go for fucking straight even. | ||
| That's the most amount of bacon you can get for your money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm taking my bacon pretty seriously these days. | ||
| You go to a butcher? | ||
| That's when you take it to the next level, right? | ||
| You know when you really take it to the next level? | ||
| You raise your own fucking pigs. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Raise your own pigs, get friendly with them, and shoot them right in the head. | ||
| Because that's what you've got to do. | ||
| We had this guy on the podcast named Joel Salatin, and he's a pretty famous farmer for writing books about farming. | ||
| He tries to recreate natural environments as much as possible. | ||
| One of the things he does with his pigs is he puts them all inside a movable fence. | ||
| So the fence is enormous. | ||
| All the pigs are inside of this, and then he moves the fence. | ||
| And so the fence moves to a new area, and the pigs root around. | ||
| They eat acorns and nuts and all kinds of shit. | ||
| And then after, you know, X amount of days, they move the fence to a new area. | ||
| So the pigs have a totally new area to graze. | ||
| He has this enormous plot of land that he does all this on. | ||
| And it's all like a little electric fences to keep the pigs in. | ||
| But the pigs are more like a wild pig. | ||
| They have like a dark texture to their meat, but they're super healthy. | ||
| But they maintain the same sort of characteristics of domesticated pigs where they're not like freaked out by people. | ||
| They're not like fucking trying to run from you all the time. | ||
| I thought what you described was like, do you remember Daniel LaRusso's Halloween costume in the Karate Kid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That shower that he could walk around and no one could see them? | ||
| I thought that was the fence? | ||
| Like the pigs could move the fence? | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Like a 3D sort of term table. | ||
| Like the pigs could just walk their fence around like a walker. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| And so I was like, you're a fucking genius! | ||
| And then all of a sudden, hey, your pigs are in town, and they're all on that fence. | ||
| The guy's got to come put a fucking toe hitch on the fence. | ||
| Maybe that's what they'll do one day. | ||
| They'll get the Oculus Rift for pigs. | ||
| They put it on them, and they'll fucking... | ||
| What are you doing, Jamie? | ||
| That's Danny LaRusso's costume for the Karate Kid. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Daniel LaRusso. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember it. | ||
| I used to have a joke. | ||
| Don't you think at one point, at some point, Daniel LaRusso's mom would have been like, I think this maintenance man is trying to fuck my son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| We're spending a lot of time together. | ||
| Crazy Japanese guys making him paint his house. | ||
| He comes, his knees are bruised, his hands are sore. | ||
| He's painting for him. | ||
| This is some weird slave fetish thing. | ||
| Wax on, wax off. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You're waxing his car or he's teaching you karate. | ||
| It's one or the other. | ||
| People had this idea that somehow or another painting a fence was going to help you fight. | ||
| That was the dumbest fucking movie. | ||
| He's catching fucking flies with chopsticks and shit. | ||
| That ruined a lot of people with karate. | ||
| Oh, or it started us. | ||
| That was the first movie I ever cried at. | ||
| I fucking sobbed. | ||
| Well, you were in Taekwondo Champion. | ||
| Did you not see Old Yeller? | ||
| Oh, I cried at that too. | ||
| But that was before that. | ||
| No, I've cried at a lot of movies. | ||
| I cried on stage at the Columbus Funny Bone telling people about Time Traveler's Wife. | ||
| Just telling, I said, I said, I can't even talk about it. | ||
| Someone who was a fan of the podcast was like, talk about Time Traveler's Wife. | ||
| I can't even talk about it. | ||
| I'll start crying. | ||
| If I start telling you about the movie Time Traveler's Wife or the movie Miracle about the U.S. hockey team, I start sobbing uncontrollably. | ||
| Which one is more emotional? | ||
| The one about the guys getting this puck in the net or the guy who goes back in time and sees his wife or some shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're equal in my opinion. | |
| What is the premise of Time Traveler's Wife? | ||
| I'm not doing this, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| I'm not doing this. | ||
| Well, tell me what it is. | ||
| Okay, I'll Google it. | ||
| No, I'll tell you. | ||
| Don't Google it, because it's going to take forever. | ||
| Well, tell me what it is. | ||
| It's a guy who learns how to... | ||
| He time travels. | ||
| He's told... | ||
| He had a certain time, right by the day his mom dies, he time travels. | ||
| And it turns out that in times of stress, he time travels. | ||
| So he's a drinking problem, because when he drinks, he doesn't time travel. | ||
| So Bert's in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I'm in. | |
| He's relating to this guy. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| I'm so glad you see it this way. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Eric Bana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| Sucked as the Hulk. | ||
| Loves him and everything else. | ||
| Got too high, saw him as the Hulk, like homeboys phoning it in, not liking it. | ||
| I maintain that hamstringed his career, no pun intended. | ||
| I think he got hamstringed by his Hulk performance. | ||
| Before that, he did that fucking movie where he played that con man, or the convict in Australia. | ||
| The guy with the fucking tattoos all over his name, or the tattoos all over his body. | ||
| Oh, damn it. | ||
| I've seen him in some really good performances. | ||
| Harden the fuck up. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| Eric Bana. | ||
| What was the movie he played? | ||
| It was like the movie that let everybody know who the fuck he is. | ||
| Chopper. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Chopper. | ||
| That was like Russell Crowe had Romper Stomper. | ||
| Did you ever see that one? | ||
| He plays a skinhead. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's a really good movie. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That was his first movie that kind of sent him off. | ||
| Anyway, I maintain that his performance as Bruce Banner... | ||
| Just fucking hamstringed him. | ||
| So I watched it on pot brownies or pot cookies, some form of edible, and I was like, bullshit! | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| He was like so, like, phoning it in. | ||
| It was just so fake. | ||
| There was some scene where the guy and the girl were talking, and it was so fake. | ||
| I was like, ugh, I lost it. | ||
| I lost the trance of the movie. | ||
| It's weird how we can do that, like, I think tons of weed can do that to you. | ||
| It can either dial you in so you get things that no one would get, or you can all of a sudden see the costumes on the actors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| That's a mask! | ||
| Especially edibles, man. | ||
| They make you super sensitive to bad acting. | ||
| But if you go see, like, that fucking Daniel Day-Lewis movie, what was the one where I drink my milkshake? | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| There will be blood. | ||
| There will be blood. | ||
| Go see that one when you're high as fuck, and it'll lock you in. | ||
| You'd be like, Jesus. | ||
| Imagine if you knew this fucking guy, and if you actually had a deal with this guy, this guy was in your... | ||
| You're gonna have to kill this guy. | ||
| You're gonna have to kill him. | ||
| I drank your milkshake. | ||
| Like, fuck! | ||
| I don't remember any of that movie. | ||
| All I remember is them swimming, like, 40 feet out in the Pacific. | ||
| It was a good fucking movie. | ||
| And he finds out that his brother's not his brother. | ||
| And he fucking takes him back to the beach and kills him. | ||
| How about spoiler alert? | ||
| Sorry, guys. | ||
| Oh, listen. | ||
| If you haven't fucking watched it by now. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| There's a lot of people that haven't seen it yet. | ||
| Erase, erase, bad memories. | ||
| Erase, erase. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's just, he knows how to do it. | ||
| Like, whatever it is that acting is, that guy knows how to do it. | ||
| He's that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Towns in New York? | ||
| Gangs in New York? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the first time I realized I was like, because I remember seeing Last of the Mohicans when I was a kid, and I was like, ah, it's a good movie, but I thought there'd be more action. | ||
| I couldn't appreciate acting or whatever. | ||
| But when I saw Gangs in New York, I was like, motherfucker, this guy is that guy. | ||
| He committed. | ||
| Yeah, he's in the groove, man. | ||
| And he does that with a bunch of different characters, too. | ||
| He played that IRA guy who was a boxer. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| I think it was called The Boxer, right? | ||
| Yeah, I think that was like the best performance of an actor pretending to be a boxer. | ||
| The most realistic. | ||
| Because it looked like real boxing. | ||
| Whereas opposed to like a lot of these movies, like... | ||
| What a lot of people are missing is, in the choreography, it shows one guy teeing off on the other guy. | ||
| And that's very rare. | ||
| In reality, it's usually exchanges. | ||
| Like you're hitting each other. | ||
| Like the good guy gets hit too. | ||
| But if you look at Marky Mark's movie, what was that? | ||
| The Boxer or whatever the fuck it was? | ||
| What was his movie? | ||
| The Fighter? | ||
| The Fighter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Apparently he's boxed before, but the choreography of the boxing scenes is very unrealistic. | ||
| It didn't look anything like watching Mickey Ward fight. | ||
| If you watch Mickey Ward fight, I mean, he's taking shots. | ||
| He had this earmuff style defense. | ||
| He kept his hands up high. | ||
| He'd come in and he'd take shots and he'd throw vicious body punches. | ||
| But you're watching Marky Mark do it. | ||
| His hands are down, his face is out there. | ||
| It's not like a real boxer. | ||
| Daniel Day-Lewis looked like a guy who had been punched in the face. | ||
| Like, there's a difference between a guy who gets punched in the face all the time, the way they hold their hands, the way they're actually aware that that's a possibility, and then guys who are just not thinking they can get hit at all. | ||
| You know, like, if you're in a movie, it's one thing if you're hitting the bag or something, but if you're in a movie, you're playing a boxer, it's very important that you look like someone who might get hit in the face. | ||
| As opposed to an actor who knows where the camera is. | ||
| Yeah, an actor who knows where the camera is and knows how to throw the punches together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's unrealistic because the guy's not hitting you back. | ||
| Like, it doesn't look like the guy can hit you back. | ||
| You're not scared of the guy. | ||
| You're not posturing. | ||
| Like, Daniel Day-Lewis, he's got his hands up. | ||
| He's moving. | ||
| He's throwing punches. | ||
| He's throwing his left hand. | ||
| His right hand is here. | ||
| When he throws his right hand, his left hand's here, his shoulders are hunched. | ||
| He's not standing like some fucking superhero. | ||
| He's standing like a boxer. | ||
| He's like making his target small. | ||
| His footwork is excellent. | ||
| The way he's delivering the jab, right hand combination, the one-two combination, looks very smooth. | ||
| Everything looks real. | ||
| And he boxed for a full year before he did that role. | ||
| For a full year, this motherfucker trained every day. | ||
| He got up. | ||
| He went jogging. | ||
| He lived like a boxer. | ||
| He went to the gym. | ||
| He hit the mitts. | ||
| He hit the speed bag. | ||
| He hit the heavy bag. | ||
| He did rounds. | ||
| He put fucking Vaseline on his face, and they sent him out there with a cup on. | ||
| They beat the shit out of each other. | ||
| He did it for a year, dude. | ||
| A year. | ||
| He lived like a pro boxer for a fucking year. | ||
| And when that movie came around, he really looked like a boxer. | ||
| What about, did you see the movie Warrior? | ||
| Which one's not? | ||
| The MMA one with... | ||
| Unfortunately, I did. | ||
| Okay, that one made me cry also. | ||
| What? | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| It was a good movie. | ||
| It was a great movie. | ||
| It was poorly executed as far as MMA is concerned. | ||
| It was preposterous. | ||
| First of all, you would never make people fight two days in a row. | ||
| It would never happen. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because two days in a row, the first day, you get beat the fuck up. | ||
| Everybody, even the people who win, the next day, you're sore as fuck. | ||
| Your body's all beat up. | ||
| Your head might be... | ||
| You might have internal swelling. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that goes on with these guys after a serious MMA fight. | ||
| You could never do two fights in a row where you're going to war like that. | ||
| It's just not happening. | ||
| It's just not happening. | ||
| I think the premise could have been achieved with a realistic scenario. | ||
| You could have people fight more than one time in a night. | ||
| That's happened. | ||
| People have done that. | ||
| They barely limp into the final round sometimes. | ||
| But people have done it. | ||
| People have fought three times in a night. | ||
| It's happened. | ||
| You know, they do that. | ||
| I've seen them fight in that Horian, Hoyler Gracie, Hexen? | ||
| Hoist, probably. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Hickson? | ||
| Choke. | ||
| Choke. | ||
| Yeah, Hickson. | ||
| And that one he fought twice in a night. | ||
| Yeah, that was Japan, Valley Tudo. | ||
| Yeah, he might have fought three times. | ||
| Might have fought three times. | ||
| Two or three times, but three times is not uncommon back then. | ||
| They used to have those tournaments. | ||
| They did that recently on Glory, man. | ||
| Joe Schilling, the guy who was in here a couple weeks ago, he made it to the fucking finals, man. | ||
| He fought three times in a night against killers. | ||
| He's fighting killers. | ||
| He fought this guy. | ||
| The first guy he fought was undefeated. | ||
| He fights him, and then he fights another guy who had beaten him, and then he goes to the finals and fights arguably the best middleweight in the world. | ||
| So it was fucking ridiculous, man. | ||
| I have a hard time doing three show nights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like they do that in Columbus sometimes. | ||
| I was there last week. | ||
| I was like, no three show. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I was like, by the third show, I'm literally going. | ||
| I get on stage. | ||
| I'm like, I have no idea what I've said so far. | ||
| Yeah, because you've done two shows already, you get confused with your jokes. | ||
| Also, the audience is done. | ||
| It's midnight. | ||
| Yeah, it's the fucking 18 and under show, usually. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| That's what they do? | ||
| Yeah, well, in Miami they would. | ||
| In Miami it was 18 and under. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
| Fucking dick-swagging chaos. | ||
| Dick-swagging chaos? | ||
| Dude, I know I've told you, but I had a number of times where gangbangers were getting on the stage and showing their dicks. | ||
| And I was just like... | ||
| I made friends with the wrong gang, and they showed up at my show, and they just would get on stage and show their dicks, and it was fucking chaos. | ||
| You made friends with them? | ||
| So you're like, Hey guys, we come back to my show! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright! | |
| No gang signs! | ||
| Just kidding! | ||
| LOL! It was like stepping shit stupidity. | ||
| I was doing radio with DJ Laz in Miami. | ||
| He's like the biggest radio guy. | ||
| And there was this gang called... | ||
| There was this band called The Zo Pound. | ||
| And I was like, and I'm doing radio with them, and I bring in tequila, and so we're all drinking tequila. | ||
| Are you allowed to talk about this without getting gang retribution? | ||
| Yeah, no, of course, of course, of course, yeah. | ||
| You know, I mean, it was on radio. | ||
| Everything was up and up, and all this was set on radio, and so I just started doing shots with them in tequila, and the radio, and with DJ Laz, and then I invited them to the show that night, and then halfway through, the song they were singing was, I'm a zo, I'm a zo, I'm a zo for life, or whatever. | ||
| You sang along with it? | ||
| I'm fucking, I'm sure I was. | ||
| I was drunk. | ||
| But halfway through, I go, wait, Zopal, that sounds so familiar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And literally, I'm like, oh my god, I saw you guys on Gangland last week! | |
| Oh my god, I saw you guys on Gangland. | ||
| DJ Laz is losing his mind like, motherfucker! | ||
| Does this guy not know who he's talked to? | ||
| And I was like, and I had already invited him to the show, so then they came out with the show. | ||
| It was fucking chaos. | ||
| It was absolutely chaos. | ||
| Well, the DJ's asking you. | ||
| Well, you're the one who got him in the studio, motherfucker. | ||
| How about letting me know who the people are? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| He's upset at you that you don't know who they are? | ||
| How about you tell me, bitch? | ||
| Was this a secret? | ||
| Yeah, it was so, and then everyone came to my show that night, and I had to drink tequila on stage, and then next day a bunch of gang members came on stage, showed their dicks, and It's fucking chaos, but... | ||
| Were they hard or were they just... | ||
| They were soft and they were massive. | ||
| They were fucking massive. | ||
| They were heckling so fucking bad, you have no idea. | ||
| And I can't... | ||
| I don't know these three dudes. | ||
| I never met them other than I knew that they were armed because that's what the manager said. | ||
| The manager told you Oh, they were armed? | ||
| I said, kick them out. | ||
| They were heckling so bad. | ||
| Lisa Crao, they heckled her so bad that she was visibly upset. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then the guy goes on next, the feature act, and his hair is, he's like balding guy a little bit, like feathered, covered. | ||
| But when he comes off, it's matted, sweaty to his bald head. | ||
| And he's just fucking like, he's like, these guys are fucking assholes. | ||
| They're ruining the show. | ||
| And so I tell the manager, who's not there for a long time now, I said, dude, can you ask him to leave or tell him to be quiet? | ||
| And he's like, I think they're armed. | ||
| I'm not gonna fucking say anything. | ||
| I think they're armed. | ||
| I'm not gonna say anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, how does he expect you to perform? | ||
| I think he just said, you know, take one on the chin and here we go. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| They're letting these people just take over their club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The possible potential threat of violence, they're letting these people just dictate what goes on in their club. | ||
| They're letting these people bully the club around. | ||
| That's what's going on, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, but here's the deal. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| I'd argue to say this, that you'd probably hand it up very differently, but you're a very different guy than, say, like, me or Bobby Kelly. | ||
| But, like, I feel like there's a New York vibe, and I just know how to deal with that bad element where they're not getting kicked out. | ||
| They've already paid. | ||
| They're going to be sitting here. | ||
| So I would just ask them questions that I already had the answers to that were set up to my jokes or bits I could get into, and then they've—it went fine. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| If they play along, they don't want to just ruin the show. | ||
| Sometimes people just want to ruin a show. | ||
| They're not just trying to have a good time. | ||
| There's a bunch of different... | ||
| Like, all hecklers are not created equal. | ||
| Some people heckle shit, and it's funny. | ||
| I think... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I've dealt with a number of hecklers, and... | ||
| I feel like starting in New York, it's easy. | ||
| It's not easy, but you just know how to fucking shut it down. | ||
| Well, you get used to being fucked with. | ||
| We were talking about that yesterday, Brendan Schaub and Brian Callen and I, about actors, like some actors who take themselves super fucking seriously. | ||
| You can't joke around with them at all. | ||
| They'll get fucking furious. | ||
| They have no sense of humor and they storm off. | ||
| You know, I think people who've been fucked with a bunch, you know what getting fucked with is. | ||
| Like, you walk out there like, oh, it's fucking Burt! | ||
| What's up, guys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| What's up? | ||
| You get used to it. | ||
| You're not like, what? | ||
| Why are you guys giving me a hard time? | ||
| Why don't you just accept the way I look? | ||
| I have body image issues already. | ||
| You guys are fucking, oh, it's my breasts? | ||
| You don't like my breasts? | ||
| Okay, well, fuck you. | ||
| This is me. | ||
| Get on or get off. | ||
| It's the Burt ride. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I'm not changing. | ||
| This is who I am, okay? | ||
| Like really self-indulgent, actor-y type thinking, right? | ||
| Well then, you know, you would have a hard time with hecklers. | ||
| But if you're a guy that's like a guy who did stand up at the store, you know, the store doesn't have any crowd control. | ||
| So I started out there. | ||
| No one ever stopped anybody from yelling shit out. | ||
| Very similar storm mentality to him as New York. | ||
| They would kick people out, though, if shit got ugly. | ||
| They would kick people out. | ||
| They would just figure out a way to do it. | ||
| See, I'm the opposite. | ||
| I'm the exact opposite of that in that I'm maybe not perfect for hecklers, but I want everyone to like me. | ||
| That's a massive fucking underlying tone in my personality. | ||
| So even if they say something hurtful or mean, I don't snap on them. | ||
| It takes a lot for me to snap. | ||
| Well, you should just, as a craftsman, not snap on them immediately anyway, unless it's the funny thing to do, and you've got to know when it is. | ||
| It's like a weird sort of... | ||
| Sometimes it's funny to just snap on someone right away, as long as you don't really mean it. | ||
| That's the thing, too. | ||
| Like, you can't actually be angry. | ||
| When you're snapping, there has to be a smile there. | ||
| I mean, like, a real legitimate smile. | ||
| You have to be enjoying yourself. | ||
| And it has to be that what you're doing is you're putting on an improvised performance dealing with these variables, these people in the audience. | ||
| And if you can do that, you can manage that, you can make a crazy situation become fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like, some people can't. | ||
| It's not their style. | ||
| Some people's style is... | ||
| I've prepared a performance. | ||
| And if you heckle me, you're ruining what I've prepared. | ||
| And what I've prepared is not better than dealing with you. | ||
| And you're fucking it up for all these people around you. | ||
| And they're right too, man. | ||
| They're right too. | ||
| It's just, live performances are weird. | ||
| You can't control, like, it's a crazy agreement that works most of the time. | ||
| I mean, it is a great testament to how fucking cool people are. | ||
| That stand-up works as often as it does. | ||
| We were talking about the news, about how the news is always highlighting all these negative things. | ||
| Because really what the news is is an entertainment show. | ||
| And the best way to get you to be paying attention is to scare you. | ||
| Not to show you robust views of happy people thriving in this world and being loving and successful. | ||
| Which is a great majority of people. | ||
| Way more than our cunts. | ||
| It's just a small that small percentage gets to the news And so you look at the news like the world's overrun with cunts, but it's it's not it's not It's just that's what they're showing you like that's what's in front of you If you look at how many goddamn comedy shows that go on the great majority of people are fucking amazing Yeah, the great majority. | ||
| It's just a very few people heckle one out of three hundred maybe one out of six hundred I like the thing that drives me more nuts than heckling is those people who talk to other people about something. | ||
| That's what drives me nuts is a table of eight where a guy's talking across the table and you see them leaning forward and going like, hey, I don't mind heckling. | ||
| I feel like that's the way my black friend was saying that racism is. | ||
| I'd rather know you're fucking racist and know where I lay than have you do it behind my back. | ||
| Then you're sneaky. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| You want to know if somebody doesn't like you or someone's going to be a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so there's people that talk like, just talk like shit. | ||
| I just fucking, that will make me crazy and then I'll snap. | ||
| That'll be weird. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen people talk, like, not while I've been on stage, but rather while other people have been on stage. | ||
| I've seen people, like, talk shit about the comedian's performances, like, in the front row. | ||
| And then, like, saw it with Nick DiPaolo or something? | ||
| Nick DiPaolo, some guy was, like, had his arms crossed. | ||
| And Nick, even though Nick was killing with, like, the rest of the crowd, he's like, this fucking guy with his arms crossed. | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| Like, my joke's not good enough for you? | ||
| Like, became, like, this obsession with him. | ||
| It's just this guy with his arms crossed? | ||
| Guy had his arms crossed, but I've seen people talk shit about people like, this guy sucks. | ||
| Like in the front row, and you see the comic deal with it, like, oh, I suck, sir. | ||
| You know, like, what's going on here? | ||
| And it always winds up being these people are way less clever than they think they are. | ||
| They think they're going to get you, and it's almost like when someone throws a haymaker at you, and you just get out of the way of it, you're like, what? | ||
| Was that supposed to hit me? | ||
| And they're like, oh, shit. | ||
| Now you know you're going to be in for a long night. | ||
| Because now you're actually having a conversation with a stand-up. | ||
| Instead of being able to say to your friend, oh, this guy sucks. | ||
| Now this guy's going to focus on you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're going to trip up. | ||
| You're just going to. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Unless you're some fucking comedy wizard that's undercover. | ||
| And even then you know I'm a microphone. | ||
| You're going to get beaten up by someone who's a real comic. | ||
| They're going to be able to chew you up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they don't think that. | ||
| They don't think that. | ||
| They think they're smarter. | ||
| When people see people fight, I can't tell you how many times... | ||
| Where people after UFC goes, why the fuck didn't the guy just do this? | ||
| Why doesn't he just do it? | ||
| Why doesn't he fucking hit him with the right hand? | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| You think it's that easy to punch somebody? | ||
| Like, what are you, crazy? | ||
| You don't think he sees the right hand coming? | ||
| He's right in front of him. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Why don't you go do it? | ||
| You don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| You've never tried to do this. | ||
| This is crazy talk. | ||
| If they actually got out there, they would shit their pants and realize, like, oh, this is a moving target that's better at this than me, and they're moving faster than I can move. | ||
| I'm going to get hit in the head. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then when you're thinking about getting hit in the head, you're trying to throw a punch, like... | ||
| Yeah, that's reality. | ||
| Every time you throw a punch, bang! | ||
| You get your fucking head knocked back. | ||
| That's reality. | ||
| When people are watching shit, their ridiculous confidence plus boos, they get this ridiculous... | ||
| Stupid distorted idea of who they are in the greater spectrum thing They think they're better at something than you without even ever doing it which is hilarious It's amazing how fast a real-life punch like how you're right you can kind of do it's almost like the dance move in your head versus the dance move you really do like I've only ducked one punch and I fucking when I did I cracked my nose on my knee because I ducked way too fucking hard. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I just went whack and fucking was like holy shit, but that's the reality of it is you go I know what to do, but I just have never done the dance myself Well, that's what that Daniel Day-Lewis guy did It's a reason why he looks so good as a boxer as he was out there moving with real boxers getting hit ducking bobbing and weaving So that when he was in there, he had a realistic sense of the movements that you would actually be performing while you're fighting. | ||
| As opposed to, like, a lot of guys is like, yeah, and then I'm going to hit him with this punch, and he's going to go falling back, and then I'm going to hit him with a one-two, and your face is wide open, you're not bobbing, you're not weaving. | ||
| You know, the unrealistic sense of competence without experience is the sign of a fucking idiot. | ||
| And that's a really common thing, especially with men. | ||
| Men with testosterone and alcohol combined with very few real live experiences as far as really having to pull yourself up, really having to dig down deep and find out what your character's all about. | ||
| There's a lot of guys going through life that never find out who the fuck they really are when the going gets rough. | ||
| They just don't know. | ||
| They've never been there. | ||
| So their idea of what they're capable of or how they would respond to those situations is based on fucking movies. | ||
| It's based on, like, hero bullshit movies. | ||
| You know, this guy kicks everybody's ass. | ||
| That's what I fucking do. | ||
| I'll kick everybody's ass. | ||
| I saw a YouTube video. | ||
| I know what to do. | ||
| I'll kick this fucking guy's ass. | ||
| Like, the reality, though, is that's terrifying. | ||
| There's no rules. | ||
| This is all wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, no one knows what's gonna happen here. | ||
| This is completely improvisational, and it involves violence. | ||
| It involves you being successful at achieving violence on someone who's probably been doing it way longer than you. | ||
| They're way better at you. | ||
| Just like a comic is way better at cracking jokes than a person who's never been on stage cracking jokes. | ||
| Oh, when you see actors play comics in movies, and you go, oh, you're clearly acting. | ||
| You're clearly acting. | ||
| Because you've never done stand-up. | ||
| Because I know right now that if there was a stand-up doing that, he would simply be doing stand-up and they'd be filming it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| As opposed to watching them act. | ||
| As if they're fun- Oh, it's fucking painful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, Tom Hanks and fucking Sally Fields- I was just thinking- I was just thinking of that. | |
| Good lord, that movie's awful. | ||
| Oh, it's painful. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| It's the fucking one with- Oh, never mind. | ||
| Barry Sobel. | ||
| No, yeah, there's more that have been out like that, but like- Yeah. | ||
| Well, you just watch someone who's clearly not a stand-up, and you're like- Yeah. | ||
| Like, and I think Seth Rogen's very funny. | ||
| But he's not a stand-up. | ||
| Well, he was a stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, but he's not. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Have you ever seen his Canadian performance? | ||
| He has his first performance in Canada online. | ||
| You should watch it, man. | ||
| Is he really funny? | ||
| I think he's fucking hilarious in all his movies. | ||
| I think he's an amazing writer, an amazing actor. | ||
| I love watching the guy. | ||
| But just when I saw him in that movie, I thought he was a great actor in it. | ||
| But when we did stand-up, I thought he was doing a version of someone else that people thought he would be doing, as opposed to Seth Rogen, the movies I watch. | ||
| The movies I watch, when I watch him be funny, that is not him being funny. | ||
| Like, that's not the translation of that. | ||
| You know what another problem is? | ||
| What? | ||
| When they have those movies where guys do stand-up on stage, the material's never good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because stand-ups are never going to give you good material that you could use in their fucking movie. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| If I come up with a good... | ||
| If I'm writing for a movie about stand-up and I come up with a really good idea, that's not going in that movie, bitch. | ||
| That's going over here. | ||
| I'm going to store that. | ||
| I'm going to give you some mediocre nonsense that you could add. | ||
| I always think that about writers for TV shows that started up as stand-ups. | ||
| I'm like, there's no way. | ||
| I'd never write for anybody. | ||
| I can never write for anybody. | ||
| That's not me. | ||
| I could never also take material from other people. | ||
| It all needs to be mine. | ||
| It needs to come from me entirely, 100%, and it needs to be my words. | ||
| Some guys can't do that. | ||
| They don't have the time. | ||
| They're doing a bunch of movies and shit, so they hire writers. | ||
| Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with hiring writers. | ||
| If that's what you want to do, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. | ||
| I don't do it. | ||
| Most of my friends don't do it. | ||
| I don't know anybody who does it. | ||
| I don't know anyone who does it. | ||
| I mean, I know a guy who does it, but I don't know him personally. | ||
| But it's alright. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| I mean, it's an honest exchange. | ||
| I don't know the problem with Larry the cable guy doing it or Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall. | ||
| I just think anyone who's not a household name in that respect, I just fucking tap out. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| 1996 Seth Rogen doing stand-up comedy in Canada. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, no, he's a comic. | ||
| I heard him on Opie and Anthony talking about it. | ||
| He definitely started out as a comic. | ||
| But I think he was doing comedy in a movie. | ||
| Again, he's probably not doing stand-up right now. | ||
| I think he did a little bit for that movie to prepare for it, but he's not doing it enough to where he's got like 20 killer minutes that he could do in the movie, and they can use that. | ||
| And you wouldn't do it anyway. | ||
| You would give them some whack-ass material. | ||
| The good stuff you're going to use on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're going to use it for a special. | ||
| You're going to use it... | ||
| Like, if you're a comic especially, and the guys who are good comics are the guys who are going to be good at writing stand-up comedy. | ||
| If someone's never done stand-up comedy, it's just theoretical whether or not their jokes are good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, there's a lot of people that write for sitcoms that have never done stand-up and never performed, and they have some ideas of what they think will be funny in a scene, and occasionally they write... | ||
| Occasionally they're right, but they're wrong almost as much as they're right, you know, unless they're really good writers, you know, on a really good show where they've got a tremendous amount of experience, they've got a good feel of the dynamic of these situations and what's going to be funny about the pause and what's going to be funny about this line in response to the pause, but a lot of them are just guessing. | ||
| They're just guessing. | ||
| Like, you'll get scripts, dude. | ||
| I've read some scripts. | ||
| I've read a script recently where I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because none of this is funny. | ||
| I'm like going page after page like, when does it get to be funny, you fucking lazy cunts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like this is shit. | ||
| This is like shit writing. | ||
| But that's a lot of it out there, man. | ||
| Go watch an episode of fucking Two and a Half Men after Charlie Sheen left. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He'll have a heart attack. | ||
| He'll go, where are the jokes? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What are you trying to make me look? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What are you trying to sell? | ||
| Watch it when he was still on the show. | ||
| Same shit. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes it was half decent. | ||
| I've seen a lot of sitcoms where I just... | ||
| Some funny, you know, half decent premises. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| That kid passed away, Harris Whittles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I read that, some of his writings, Aziz Ansari wrote a blog about him. | ||
| The kid, his writings were fucking hilarious as shit. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I think I met him one time in Houston, a long time ago. | ||
| He worked the door. | ||
| It's really hard to translate, even being funny on stage, to writing a script and making it funny. | ||
| It's really fucking hard. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to get a real genuine sense of interaction between two human beings when you're trying to put in punchlines. | ||
| Like, oh god, some people are so bad at it. | ||
| I got fucking really spoiled because the writers on news radio were really good. | ||
| And I did it for five years. | ||
| You have no idea how funny that show was. | ||
| I know, I was there. | ||
| No, just as an outside watch, someone who watches it, you have no idea. | ||
| Because you had to deal with Andy Dick every day. | ||
| Yeah, it was alright. | ||
| No, but I mean, even just working with him, from the outside looking in, Andy Dick was so goddamn hilarious on that show. | ||
| It's a real tragedy that that didn't turn him into fucking what Ben Stiller is, you know? | ||
| Well, he could have. | ||
| Andy's crazy. | ||
| I mean, he got the Andy Dick show and all the other stuff, but Andy will tell you himself that it was more battling demons than anything. | ||
| He's got a lot of demons. | ||
| He had something that he's talking about on his Instagram the other day. | ||
| I looked at it. | ||
| It was him drinking some healthy drink. | ||
| He's like, thank God I'm addicted to something healthy for once. | ||
| That's his deal. | ||
| It's always going to be his deal. | ||
| We used to do scenes. | ||
| We had to do them three or four times because I couldn't fucking not laugh. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I would break. | ||
| Yeah, I would break. | ||
| Because he drove you nuts on this set, right? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes he's great. | ||
| I mean, out of all the times we worked together, he didn't drive me nuts the majority of the time. | ||
| It wasn't that bad. | ||
| He became way more out of control after he left the show than he was on the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Getting arrested and all that stuff. | ||
| That didn't go on while he was on the show. | ||
| Now, did you guys have a set... | ||
| I don't think I've ever asked you this. | ||
| Did you have a set next door to Geraldo's? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And did you guys used to drink beers after work? | ||
| Yeah, we would go to... | ||
| Well, we used to drink beer on the set. | ||
| We used to drink beer down the street. | ||
| There was this bar that we used to go to that would be like a lot of different shows would go there. | ||
| I hung out with the dude from Everybody Loves Raymond, the old man. | ||
| What's the guy's... | ||
| The dad? | ||
| Famous actor. | ||
| Jerry, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Peter? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Not O'Toole, Peter. | ||
| He was in Young Frankenstein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Peter Boyle. | |
| Peter Boyle. | ||
| Yeah, Peter Boyle. | ||
| Yeah, he was in Young Frankenstein. | ||
| He was in a bunch of movies. | ||
| He's been around a long time. | ||
| He was cool as fuck. | ||
| We got to hang out with a lot of cool people back there. | ||
| I always wanted to party with the girl that was on your show. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Melissa? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Mora Tierney? | ||
| Mora Tierney's great. | ||
| I think I heard Geraldo say she was just fun to party with. | ||
| She liked to drink. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She likes to get fucked up. | ||
| She's hilarious, too. | ||
| She's very funny. | ||
| She's a really good actress. | ||
| Actor, whatever you want to call it. | ||
| She's so good that sometimes we'd be doing scenes. | ||
| And I wouldn't really know that we had started doing the scene. | ||
| I thought she was just talking. | ||
| Because she was so natural, the way she would act. | ||
| It was really natural. | ||
| Kind of creepy. | ||
| But it's like, that's the craft. | ||
| The craft of sliding effortlessly into a role with no bullshit about it. | ||
| And that's something that's very hard for a lot of people to do. | ||
| And it's very hard for a lot of people to write that way as well. | ||
| That's the big thing. | ||
| For an actor, you get a great actor like a Steven Root. | ||
| Steven Root never... | ||
| He didn't really ad-lib. | ||
| He had a very specific, very clear character. | ||
| Steven Root was the boss. | ||
| He was the boss. | ||
| It was Jimmy James. | ||
| He's not anything like that guy. | ||
| If you met him... | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| He's like the biggest sweetheart. | ||
| He's like, you know, Jimmy James the boss is like this slick-talking guy, and you know, who's kind of like, not dumb, but not really interested. | ||
| Like, he was, dude, that show was, I mean, that show was, honestly, and I know you guys always teetered on whether or not you're going to get renewed, that show was one of my favorite shows I've ever seen ever on television. | ||
| Quantum Leap, number one. | ||
| That show, number two. | ||
| I mean, like... | ||
| Okay, we're in lofty company, at least. | ||
| That show got moved nine times. | ||
| Newsradio moved nine times before the internet. | ||
| So there was no internet back then. | ||
| Well, there was an internet, I guess. | ||
| The internet sort of started in 1994, but nobody was using it to find out what time shows were on. | ||
| The amount of people that were on the internet back then was fucking nil. | ||
| That show was during dial-up. | ||
| Yeah, it was during dial-up. | ||
| It was during 14-4 dial-up. | ||
| That's when it started. | ||
| Fucking 14-4 baud modems. | ||
| Everything was slow as fuck. | ||
| If you want to download a picture of tits, it would be like this, chunk chunk. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Chunk chunk. | ||
| Chunk chunk. | ||
| And then all of a sudden you get a tunk and you're like, I'm going to start jerking off now. | ||
| And then it's a dick. | ||
| This will be loaded by the time I come. | ||
| Yeah, you get past her tits and she's jerking off. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| She's got a dick? | ||
| But the show moved nine different times. | ||
| So because you guys weren't like a definite hit, does that mean you guys... | ||
| I feel like when shows aren't hits, it brings the cast closer together. | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, we definitely couldn't get a big head, which is good because there's a lot of people that get big heads when they get successful. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| It happens so often. | ||
| We were talking about the other day about this show where this guy got on it and then immediately started acting like a cunt. | ||
| Like just thought he was... | ||
| Every reality show out there. | ||
| The whole world revolved around. | ||
| It wasn't a reality show. | ||
| It was a sitcom. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The whole world revolved around him and then it wound up fucking ruining his entire career. | ||
| But that just happens when things get successful. | ||
| Something happens when certain people get successful, especially like actors. | ||
| There's a part of them that almost like serial killers want to get caught. | ||
| This is a part of actors where they act so ridiculous that they almost want someone to call them on it. | ||
| They almost want someone to tell them, hey, you're being a fucking cunt. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, you know, I really was. | ||
| There's a comedy movie that my friend did with this guy. | ||
| And the guy's a famous guy. | ||
| And in the middle of the scene, he just starts smashing this car. | ||
| He fucked his scene up. | ||
| So he starts kicking at this car, and he breaks the windows, and he breaks the side mirror off, and he just fucking picks up something and smashes it against his car. | ||
| Fucks this car up, man. | ||
| And I don't know if it was somebody's car, or if it was production's car, or what is. | ||
| But he felt like he was such a big deal, and he's a very famous guy, that at the time, he just felt like he could smash this car. | ||
| So he just smashed a car on set. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's just one of those things. | ||
| It's like, the guy went crazy. | ||
| But he went crazy because he could get away with it. | ||
| And they cleaned it all up, and he paid for whatever the damage was in the car, and that's where it ended. | ||
| And it's like, it's one of those things. | ||
| It's like, you can't do that if you're in the Teamsters. | ||
| You can't do that if you're the craft service guy. | ||
| The craft service guy can't say, look, I'm gonna pay for that car. | ||
| I fucked it up. | ||
| Like, no, you're not gonna pay for it! | ||
| You're gonna go to jail, you asshole! | ||
| Yeah, eventually you'll pay for it. | ||
| Even if you do pay for it, fuck you, you don't work here anymore. | ||
| Like, I don't care how good your egg sandwich is, you can't smash someone's car because you fucking burnt an egg, you know? | ||
| But if you're an actor, you can get this sense that it's okay for you to just smash this fucking car. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That kind of makes people go nutty when they get famous, when things go really well for them. | ||
| We never got famous. | ||
| It never went well. | ||
| We were on television, and it was really hard for people to just enjoy the moment of being on television. | ||
| There was a lot of conversations we had on the show where a balanced perspective was required because they would be like, I can't believe this show is after Friends, this is bullshit, that show fucking sucks, and why are they after Seinfeld? | ||
| That show fucking sucks, and why can't we be on Thursday nights? | ||
| God, this is so frustrating. | ||
| And, you know, I remember we were having this conversation. | ||
| I was like, look, last time I checked, we're on fucking TV. Yeah. | ||
| We have a TV show, you know, and it's still in the air. | ||
| We're in, like, season three. | ||
| Like, this is crazy. | ||
| And there was probably no perspective at the time that you guys were... | ||
| I mean, we're getting to work with Phil Hartman, who is... | ||
| It was like a blessing. | ||
| Oh no, there was definitely a perspective in that. | ||
| I definitely recognize Phil and Dave Foley. | ||
| It's equally important. | ||
| Dave Foley was like the glue that kept that hole. | ||
| He was like what I call the secret producer. | ||
| I see that guy a lot. | ||
| I run into that guy a lot. | ||
| Where do you run into him? | ||
| Jerk Off Powers? | ||
| I saw you wink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Our kids go to the same school, but I always want to stop them and say, I'm never good at meeting celebrities. | ||
| He's a sweetie. | ||
| I want to go like, hey, I know Joe Rogan, but our... | ||
| Just do it. | ||
| You'd have a great conversation with him, trust me. | ||
| He's a sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| Or he'd be creeped out like I've creeped out a lot of fucking celebrities before. | ||
| I think he would deal with it. | ||
| He's very intelligent. | ||
| Yeah, well maybe I'll try to say hi to him next time I see him. | ||
| He's a good dude, man. | ||
| He's a really good dude. | ||
| And he struggled with that fucking demon in a bottle too. | ||
| Yeah, but what were you saying? | ||
| I didn't mean to interrupt you. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| You were saying that I said Phil Hartman's so talented and he was taken away so quick that you didn't know you were getting to work with a guy that's a legend at the end of his life. | ||
| We certainly didn't know it was the end of his life, but we definitely knew he was something special. | ||
| You know, every time we went anywhere, like, that's where the people, they wanted to talk to Phil. | ||
| Like, very rarely anybody wanted to talk to me. | ||
| Like, they did interviews and stuff like that. | ||
| I mean, occasionally people wanted to talk to me. | ||
| But most of the time, it was they wanted to talk to Phil. | ||
| It was Phil fucking Hartman. | ||
| He was always doing big movies. | ||
| You know, like, he had that Sergeant Bilko movie that turned out to be, like, a bomb. | ||
| He did that while we were all together, and he did another couple of movies while we were all together. | ||
| He was always doing something. | ||
| He was always kicking ass. | ||
| He was always doing... | ||
| Was he in Beethoven? | ||
| I think he was the dad in Beethoven. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| In like the third one. | ||
| I think it was in the third one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Charles Grodin, who became a talk show host, right? | ||
| Charles Grodin was in the first one, and then I think down the line. | ||
| He got weird. | ||
| That guy got weird. | ||
| I think he just got implants or something. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I think I just saw him with hair. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, he had wigs forever. | ||
| Maybe that's what I'm thinking of. | ||
| He might have. | ||
| He might have done it all up and then released the hounds. | ||
| He seemed like an interesting guy. | ||
| He seemed like an interesting guy when he was a comic and then I think he fell off the deep end. | ||
| Well, I think dudes get older, and they just get tired of it, too. | ||
| You know, I mean, the guy was around the 70s. | ||
| By the time, you know, the year 2015 rolls around, he's probably like, oh, I'm done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's not going to be me. | ||
| It's not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Joan Rivers it? | ||
| Burnout. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I always think, I don't think you die. | ||
| I've been thinking about this lately. | ||
| I don't think you die. | ||
| You don't think you die? | ||
| I don't think you die. | ||
| Good luck with that idea. | ||
| You prove it. | ||
| I don't have to. | ||
| Theoretically, I guess it just ends, but I just feel like you keep going into new parallel universes. | ||
| It's just as possible. | ||
| I feel like I could have died a lot. | ||
| You might have. | ||
| You know, and like, yeah, I might have died a million deaths, but I keep going. | ||
| So what do you think people that die around you, what's that about? | ||
| I think that's part of my universe, but it's not part of theirs. | ||
| In my own parallel universe, they die, and that is for my journey for them to die. | ||
| I remember I lost a dude. | ||
| We lost a bunch of guys. | ||
| I've lost a ton of friends from suicide. | ||
| Whoa, whoa, hold on. | ||
| How many? | ||
| Let's not even get into it. | ||
| How many? | ||
| We lost like four in college in our fraternity. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I had three in high school. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Three in high school? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Three of your friends in high school committed suicide? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many of them did you fuck? | ||
| Two. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, we lost so many in our fraternity that at one point the therapist came and was like, you guys may not be being good friends to each other. | ||
| You guys are killing each other. | ||
| It was like a two year span. | ||
| The therapist blamed you guys? | ||
| We brought in a therapist to talk about, to explain loss. | ||
| At a certain point, after the second suicide, I think. | ||
| How many years of this? | ||
| Probably two years. | ||
| In two years you had four suicides. | ||
| Two years, three years maybe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| So more than one a year. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We had one in the spring and one in the summer. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| And then we, you know, and so we brought a therapist in because we're like, all right, is there something going on in this room? | ||
| Because we're all killing ourselves. | ||
| Haunted room, maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Haunted room. | |
| It would have been a lot sexier than just a bunch of fucking homophobic dicks. | ||
| Alcoholics. | ||
| Homophobic racist assholes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drink themselves into depression and then blow their brains out. | |
| With drug problems. | ||
| It had no barriers. | ||
| How were these guys icing themselves? | ||
| By two guns. | ||
| One drugs, one hanging. | ||
| There was a dude who was one of the writers of news radio who was a good friend. | ||
| He was a really good guy. | ||
| I really enjoyed talking to him. | ||
| He was a comic before the news radio days. | ||
| His name is Drake Sather. | ||
| It was a funny comic. | ||
| He'd been on MTV. I know that name. | ||
| He was a writer on news radio and he wrote this thing. | ||
| If you've ever seen that video of me, it was like the VH1 Fashion Awards from 1997. I played this crazy photographer that didn't know anything about photography. | ||
| I was just in photography to get laid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweet. | |
| You show your butt. | ||
| Nice butt. | ||
| I was naked. | ||
| I was naked in front of this model. | ||
| The question was, I say, do you have any problem? | ||
| I'm going over her portfolio and I'm like, you're very beautiful. | ||
| This is excellent stuff. | ||
| Do you have any problem with nudity? | ||
| She goes, no, no, I don't. | ||
| Next picture is me naked taking her picture. | ||
| It's like Bruce something fashion photographer. | ||
| Bruce Testoni. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It was written by Drake, and Drake killed himself. | ||
| Was he a Texas comic? | ||
| He was a Boston comic. | ||
| Well, I don't know where he started, but I met him in Boston way back in the day. | ||
| He might have been from Texas originally. | ||
| When I was in 1988, when I was starting out, he was in Boston. | ||
| He was doing stand-up there, and he was more established than me. | ||
| He was like a couple years ahead of me. | ||
| And somewhere along the line, he stopped doing stand-up, and he had a family and the whole deal, and one day, I don't know what happened, man. | ||
| Some breakup, and I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what happened, but he killed himself while he was on the phone, apparently, with his wife. | ||
| And that fucked me up, man. | ||
| That one fucked me up. | ||
| That was hard to take. | ||
| Because I'd been over their house, and they had a party, and I got to meet everybody, and it was fun, and it was... | ||
| Harlan Williams was there, so I associated that party, and being over their house was like, it's fun... | ||
| Friendly time and just to think that that guy could go from that moment where we're drinking wine and everyone's laughing and, you know, it's having good times and good friends and then so dark that he wants to end it. | ||
| So fucking funny too, man. | ||
| Such a good writer. | ||
| Such a clever guy. | ||
| That this guy could be so haunted that the lows were too low. | ||
| That he was like, I can't do this. | ||
| I can't cope with this frequency. | ||
| And he just... | ||
| Boom! | ||
| I mean, Ari was almost there, you know, a few years ago, you know, and now it's... | ||
| I was talking to him about this the other day, how he's changed. | ||
| So he has a billboard in front of his old apartment now, of his own face. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to do a podcast about it. | ||
| But Ari was, yeah, he was very, very down. | ||
| Very down. | ||
| And a lot of it was, like, physical. | ||
| A lot of it was career-related. | ||
| He thinks a lot of it might have had to do with him taking Propecia. | ||
| In some people, Propecia causes depression. | ||
| Because Propecia, if you read the literature on what it does, it inhibits dihydrotestosterone, which is DHT, which is an essential part of being a human being. | ||
| But that DHT is what causes your hair to fall out. | ||
| And it affects people in different ways. | ||
| Some people, it kills their boners. | ||
| Me, it killed my boners. | ||
| And I didn't realize until I got off of it. | ||
| I ran out of it, and then all of a sudden my dick was hard as a rock. | ||
| I was like, what is going on with my dick? | ||
| Did it help with your hair though? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, it keeps your hair. | ||
| And as soon as I got off of it, and as soon as I got off Rogaine too, when I decided to shake my head, I bailed on everything. | ||
| Because I was losing the battle anyway. | ||
| And I was like, I am going to have to abandon this fucking dam and run from the river. | ||
| Because I can't hold it back anymore. | ||
| I've been on Rogaine for like fucking 22 years. | ||
| It'll keep your hair. | ||
| It holds on to your hair. | ||
| It holds on to your hair. | ||
| But as soon as you get off of that shit, like fire through bushes, baby. | ||
| Like if I grew my hair out now, you'd be like, oh my god, dude, you're bald as fuck. | ||
| Like for three years I've been shaving my head. | ||
| You and I had the exact same hair loss when I met you. | ||
| Because you both used the sprinkle stuff. | ||
| And the Propecia and the... | ||
| What's the other stuff? | ||
| Oh, I found the stuff that you get online that was this pump that was... | ||
| It was like eslaic acid and retin-A and minoxidil. | ||
| And this company had the shit. | ||
| This was the shit. | ||
| This stuff kept your hair. | ||
| But for whatever reason, it wasn't approved by the FDA. Yeah. | ||
| And so the FDA came along and they shut them down, but like I knew a bunch of dudes that were taking this stuff, it had retin-A in it, make your hair red, like your scalp red if you spray too much of it in, but the effect was pretty dramatic, like it really kept all of your hair. | ||
| And when that stuff went away, I took a hit. | ||
| When I got off the You can see like if you watch like episodes of the UFC you could see like we start seeing hair like light through my hair It's like it's going baby and then finally I had to let it go, but I should have let it go a long time ago I love having a shaved head. | ||
| I wish I could get there You can do it right now. | ||
| I'm still holding on, Joe. | ||
| I'll fucking help you. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| Anyone send this to Rogaine. | ||
| I will do a million dollars commercial. | ||
| Why don't they give you a million dollars? | ||
| I'll keep my head for a million like you're holding them hostage. | ||
| No, I'll do the opposite. | ||
| I will time lapse, stop using Rogaine, and just watch my hair fall out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a great idea. | |
| And then you say to all these young kids, hey, you want to keep your hair? | ||
| Get on this shit right now. | ||
| Because I'm 42. I should arguably be bald as fuck right now. | ||
| I've been holding on his hair just with Rogaine since I was 22. I said this weekend, tell me if you agree with this, and it's a little bit of a stretch of a thought. | ||
| Men who lose their hair at a young age, they start losing your hair. | ||
| That is the first signpost for mortality in a person. | ||
| Like, you witness your mortality at a young age when you realize, fuck, I'm actually losing my hair. | ||
| It didn't seem mortality to me. | ||
| It seemed more like you couldn't control something. | ||
| It's like going away from you, and it's something that makes you look better. | ||
| It was really confusing. | ||
| For a lot of men, it's very confusing. | ||
| It freaked me out bad. | ||
| We should shave your head, though. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about it. | ||
| The solution of shaving your head is always there. | ||
| And once you do it, you go, oh, yeah. | ||
| What am I clinging to fucking hair for? | ||
| I may shave it and then stay on Rogaine, though. | ||
| I wish I shaved it when I was in my 20s instead of going through hair transplants, all that stupid shit. | ||
| I should have just shaved it. | ||
| I would definitely do that again. | ||
| If I went back, I would definitely do that differently. | ||
| No, if they said that there was a pill that could grow a full 18-year-old head of hair for you. | ||
| I don't want any more hair. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| Yeah, like right now, who the fuck knows what else that pill's going to do to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, if I just shaved my head, I'm very happy with it. | ||
| Look, I could be born in Ethiopia. | ||
| You know, I could have been an Eskimo. | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with an Eskimo, all due respect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't even think you're supposed to say Eskimo. | |
| I think you're supposed to... | ||
| Shit out in an igloo. | ||
| Some gigantic walrus vagina. | ||
| I could have red hair. | ||
| No offense, Bill Burr. | ||
| Yeah, no offense, Bill Burr. | ||
| I could have had red hair. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of things that could have been way... | ||
| Like, you gotta deal with the hand you've been given, you ain't gonna change it, and take that hand and fucking run with it, man. | ||
| And sometimes the hand looks just devastating. | ||
| Sometimes you've got two fucking twos. | ||
| And you're like, this is it? | ||
| I got a two and a three. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| This is nothing! | ||
| This hand's dogshit! | ||
| And then you're going down the street to the guy who's a soap opera Fabio-looking motherfucker with the long hair, like, this guy's got all the fucking cards! | ||
| This cunt! | ||
| He's got a 52-deck card! | ||
| I got two cards! | ||
| It's amazing how you see that in people sometimes. | ||
| You go, God, that guy's got fucking everything, and then you realize they got fucking nothing. | ||
| Well, it's not true though, you know, it's like the thing about human beings is like what what what are you? | ||
| You're not just how you look The problem is with a lot of people you gauge how you look based on how sexually desirable you are That's that's the real issue with people you see it with a lot of people as they get older They start freaking out and there's fucking photos of Mickey Rourke now Mickey Rourke was at the UFC this weekend. | ||
| It's like Somebody talk to that guy. | ||
| He's got fake hair and fake lips and something's going on with his face and it's like, God, give him a hug. | ||
| You know, he's fucking Mickey Rourke. | ||
| Does he know he's Mickey Rourke? | ||
| Does he think it looks... | ||
| I mean, Mickey Rourke is amazing. | ||
| I would love to drink with Mickey Rourke. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It would be nothing about old boxing stories. | ||
| I've never been any good for the first fucking hour. | ||
| Dude, he's fighting fake boxing matches. | ||
| You see, he's 62 years old. | ||
| He fought some guy in a boxing match. | ||
| It was a total dive. | ||
| The guy never punched him in the face once. | ||
| He hit the guy with a weak punch in the body and the guy went down like someone stole his liver. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| It was so dumb. | ||
| It's so pathetic. | ||
| This is the guy from Nine and a Half Weeks. | ||
| This is the guy from Angel Heart. | ||
| This is Mickey motherfucking Rourke from Diner. | ||
| Is there anything about you that you don't like that you'd like to change? | ||
| No, but for what, man? | ||
| You deal with all the perspective. | ||
| Deal with the perspective of who you are in comparison to who you could have been. | ||
| You can be born in Ethiopia with no feet. | ||
| My nose is too wide at the top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a part of my nose that gets kind of weird right here. | |
| Just smooth that out and be good. | ||
| You're not going to be good. | ||
| You're going to start tweaking out about other things. | ||
| There's people that get their shins broken and separated slowly with these devices that make them inches taller. | ||
| In China, it's a big deal. | ||
| There's a lot of guys in China that they feel like they can't get a woman because they're below five feet tall, and so they're slowly but surely stretching the fucking bones of their legs out. | ||
| They have these bolts that are attached to their bone, and they crank it, and they saw it, and they slowly separate it. | ||
| So it grows a little bit, and then they separate it more, and it grows a little bit, and they separate it more, and the bone keeps filling in. | ||
| It's fucking madness. | ||
| The mechanics of your body are all out of whack because you've got a seven foot long shin bone. | ||
| The whole thing is madness. | ||
| People are crazy. | ||
| I think health and well-being is good. | ||
| Maintaining vitality is good. | ||
| But you've got to also have perspective. | ||
| Perspective is big. | ||
| And sometimes people, they just get mad because they don't look like Lorenzo Lamas in his prime. | ||
| They get mad because they're born... | ||
| You know, fill in the blank. | ||
| I wish I was Filipino and I'm Thai. | ||
| I wish I was black and I'm Asian. | ||
| I wish I was Asian and I'm fucking Portuguese. | ||
| People have weird things in their head where they want to be something other than what they are. | ||
| And right now that's unavailable. | ||
| So you're losing resources in your 90-whatever-the-fuck-it-is-year ride on this globe. | ||
| You have a 90-year ride, allegedly, and also the bleeper of Kreischer, where you just die and you keep going and everybody else thinks you're dead, but you're on another plane of existence. | ||
| Which is possible. | ||
| I totally believe that too. | ||
| Of course you do. | ||
| You two get together and write a book. | ||
| It'll be awesome. | ||
| We're Team White Gold, right? | ||
| We're Team White Gold. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I saw some article about you. | ||
| Is that what you're talking about? | ||
| No, I'm talking about the dress. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I saw an article that made me think about you. | ||
| It was about the White City, the monkey god. | ||
| The place they just found. | ||
| Yeah, and I saw it and I thought I saw the thing and it looked like a shirt of yours So I tweeted it. | ||
| That's that's crazy, man They found this hidden city in Honduras that was legendary up until recently and they haven't even disclosed its origin But they brought back artifacts like this motherfucker is real like we found a hidden city in Honduras From a long time ago where it's gone. | ||
| There's nothing but relics and shit I just think that's so fucking cool. | ||
| It's so cool that they keep finding shit like that in the Amazon, too. | ||
| They have these, like, satellite images, and they go, wait, what is that? | ||
| They go, look at the shape of this. | ||
| This is symmetrical. | ||
| And they realize, like, oh my god, that's a canal system. | ||
| Oh my god, this is a fake. | ||
| This is a fucking city that got swallowed by the jungle. | ||
| They have hills that they thought it was just a hill, and they realize it's a building. | ||
| Like, there's some structure underneath this hill, and the dirt literally grew over it, and trees grew on the dirt. | ||
| So there's this mound in the middle of nowhere, and you walk up to it, and you're like, what's going on here? | ||
| And archaeologists start digging, and they go, oh, this is a fucking building, man. | ||
| Like, shit got swallowed up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking insane. | |
| Well, there's a type of, I think it's called the Toltecs, that they don't even exactly know what they looked like. | ||
| They don't know where they came from. | ||
| They had very African-looking faces, and they lived thousands and thousands of years ago down in Mexico and South America. | ||
| They're like, okay, who the fuck are these people? | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| They have these giant heads. | ||
| Have you ever seen those Toltec heads? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jamie, pull up an image of one of the Toltec heads. | ||
| They find these enormous blocks of stone that are cut out to the shape of these African faces. | ||
| It's like Gradius heads. | ||
| They're real weird, man. | ||
| There's one over there, I think. | ||
| Isn't there one over there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What are you looking for? | ||
| Nothing, nothing. | ||
| I'm not looking for anything. | ||
| Hashtrays don't exist in the world of the Travel Channel. | ||
| Jesus loves Tibet. | ||
| Is that the head you're talking about? | ||
| Because I was thinking about the other kind of heads. | ||
| No, that's a Toltec head. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's an African-looking face, man. | ||
| You're talking about the Easter Island shit. | ||
| That's a different place. | ||
| This isn't Central America, man. | ||
| They find these fucking things. | ||
| They're like 600 tons or something crazy. | ||
| How big are those fuckers, Jamie? | ||
| Google how big those heads are. | ||
| I might have made up that weight. | ||
| But look what they look like. | ||
| They're fucking cool as shit. | ||
| That looks like an African. | ||
| Yeah, the lips. | ||
| Yeah, some of them are tossed over. | ||
| Some of them are... | ||
| Some of them are... | ||
| They're all different sizes and shapes. | ||
| Joe, I saw you tweet. | ||
| You just didn't even get into the whole dress thing that happened the other day. | ||
| The white, gold, blue, black thing. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about dresses. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But do you understand what happened? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I'm a grown man. | ||
| Don't you think that's interesting? | ||
| We could both look at the same picture and see two different colors. | ||
| Yeah, but why is that? | ||
| Explain it. | ||
| Here you go, Brian. | ||
| Supposedly, it's the cones in people's eyes. | ||
| My eyes are more oval than circles. | ||
| That's what the eye doctor used to always tell me. | ||
| You have more oval of an eye. | ||
| He's going under the table for the Trevor Channel. | ||
| Out of respect. | ||
| But I guess how the shape of your cones is. | ||
| And how you get light into your eyes. | ||
| But how come it looks different to different people? | ||
| Like sometimes it looks different to the same person. | ||
| Like you look at one image and it looks like white and gold. | ||
| Mine would look like white and gold. | ||
| And then like an hour later I'll look at it and be like, it's a completely different picture. | ||
| And I would freak out. | ||
| I'm like, where's the picture I was just looking at? | ||
| So I can switch back and forth. | ||
| Where I know people that can't switch or people that only see blue and black, white or gold. | ||
| That's nothing compared to what Phil Plait made for Slate. | ||
| Pull up Phil Plait, Slate. | ||
| It's like those dinosaurs. | ||
| Slate Magazine. | ||
| No, hold on a second. | ||
| Slate Online. | ||
| Color. | ||
| What would you say? | ||
| Color Confusion. | ||
| What would you say? | ||
| Color Confusion. | ||
| Illusion. | ||
| Optical illusion. | ||
| Color optical illusion. | ||
| That's what you said. | ||
| Also, pull up the dress. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this one. | ||
| This is way crazier. | ||
| You see those blues and those greens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's the same color. | ||
| The exact same color. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| When you look at it in Photoshop, you realize it's the exact same color. | ||
| It's the green. | ||
| Scroll back, Jamie. | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| When you look at it, the green has the orange go through it, but the blue doesn't. | ||
| The blue, the orange turns into purple. | ||
| And that confuses your eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| If you go up close, it's the exact same color. | ||
| Hey, Jamie, do you have the picture of the dress, though? | ||
| I want to see what you guys actually see on the dress. | ||
| But look at that image. | ||
| You see how it is when you get it close up? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That green is across the board. | ||
| I mean, how trippy is that, Bert? | ||
| Bert can't deal. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's freaking out. | ||
| Making me freak out. | ||
| What's weird about the dress is that people were saying it's blue and black and I put it in the Photoshop. | ||
| I mean, I spent like three hours on this. | ||
| Me and Asa Akira were going back and forth like we're going to start our own communion somewhere and don't trust blue and black people and stuff. | ||
| But I took it... | ||
| What do you see when you see that? | ||
| Right now I see white and gold. | ||
| I see white and gold. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You guys are both retarded. | ||
| No, I see white and gold. | ||
| Do you have the dress picture? | ||
| That shit's blue and black, son. | ||
| That's not blue and black, Joe. | ||
| That's white and gold. | ||
| You got an issue with your brain. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Am I right, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, see the two sensible people in this room. | ||
| See black and gold. | ||
| You see blue and black? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's a blue and black dress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're refusing to acknowledge that. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Jamie, you're completely missing the point here. | ||
| The actual dress is blue and black. | ||
| I actually have it on my phone. | ||
| This is what you're seeing right now. | ||
| This is not what me and you are seeing. | ||
| He's starting to stumble. | ||
| He's getting very excited and emotional. | ||
| That's not what me and Brian, that's not what I see. | ||
| No, no, this is not what I see right now either. | ||
| But this is what they're seeing. | ||
| That was the actual dress that they have. | ||
| You see blue and black right there, Joe. | ||
| Well, it's a light blue. | ||
| It's a very, very light blue. | ||
| But there's no black. | ||
| And the black is like a gold, for sure. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That does not look black. | ||
| No, I see white and gold. | ||
| I see white and gold right there. | ||
| Well, it's not white, because if you look at the white beside it, the reason why you can make out the outline is because beside it is an absence of light, which we think of as white. | ||
| No, no, but if you look at that, you would say, hey, that's a white and gold dress, but in a shadow or something, like kind of a light. | ||
| No, I would say it's a light blue and almost like a brownish goldish. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| Like a dark gold. | ||
| Yeah, so you're seeing white and gold. | ||
| You're not seeing this. | ||
| No, no, I'm seeing light blue. | ||
| I'm seeing blue. | ||
| I'm seeing blue and I'm seeing this gold is like a dark gold, almost like a brown. | ||
| A mustard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Kind of. | ||
| It's darker than mustard. | ||
| It's darker than mustard. | ||
| So you are actually seeing what people are saying as the white and gold. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not really white and gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's blue. | |
| It's definitely blue. | ||
| Light sky blue and a brown. | ||
| Yeah, it's like the blue is difficult to describe. | ||
| But you're not seeing this. | ||
| No. | ||
| So you actually are seeing what me and Bert are seeing and Jamie's seeing this. | ||
| Is that what you're seeing, Jamie? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't see that. | ||
| I know that that's what it is. | ||
| This is a goofy argument because the contrast is very different. | ||
| Like, what you're looking at there, the contrast between that color and the white behind it is very different than what you're looking at there. | ||
| This is a different image, and because it's a different image shot in different light, you have a different perspective. | ||
| No, what I'm saying is, though, there's two different ways people are seeing it. | ||
| You are seeing it, the white and... | ||
| What they're saying is the white and gold side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure. | |
| 100%. | ||
| Because I can see both. | ||
| Some people think it's white. | ||
| No, I see both. | ||
| I see white and gold right now. | ||
| I don't see anything other than white and gold. | ||
| It doesn't look white. | ||
| It doesn't look blue to you? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| Not in the slightest. | ||
| Now, can we just cut to the chase and why is it that I see this? | ||
| It's because of how your eye is shaped in the cones and how your eyes precipitate colors and stuff like that. | ||
| You can actually look... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Precipitate? | |
| Your eyes rain colors? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Perceive. | ||
| You're 40. But, uh... | ||
| I love you, Brian. | ||
| The way you precipitate. | ||
| The way you precipitate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You precipitate on the cones. | |
| Pretty much the easy way is how your eyes take shadows and your brain goes, alright, that shadow's purple or blue. | ||
| But you can watch, if you look at this, I keep it on my phone, if you look at it once an hour, it will change throughout the day. | ||
| I see white and gold. | ||
| That shit's blue for life, son. | ||
| But here's the thing that makes it more important, Joe, is what else are me and you seeing different than that person? | ||
| Like, if I'm looking at a face, I'm seeing this face that's beautiful, and that person's seeing a guy. | ||
| Yeah, well, some people are colorblind, man. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| Some people don't see certain colors. | ||
| They just don't see them. | ||
| I see, I thought you were talking about, never mind, I was on the, I think socially I see things that other people don't see. | ||
| Like I saw today, I was jogging in the park next to our house, and these two girls, a cop pulls up in the middle of the park, pulls these two girls that are sitting at a, the young ladies that are sitting at a park bench, interrogates them, goes through their purses, cuffs them, and I'm watching this, I'm jogging around the park, cuffs them, and starts to put them in the I'm jogging around the park, cuffs them, and starts to put them in the back of the car, but as he cuffs them, they kind of have to put one in first and | ||
| And I saw that the two girls clearly in high school, I'm going to say 10th grade, 11th grade, that they weren't crying. | ||
| And I didn't see that as how sad. | ||
| I saw that as someone needs to step in and fix these girls. | ||
| Because if they've gotten handcuffed and thrown in the back of the car, and they're not crying, then there's something wrong with this picture. | ||
| Like, there's clearly something wrong. | ||
| These girls need a life lesson to change them. | ||
| Because if you cuffed me in 10th grade, I probably would have started tearing up and freaking out. | ||
| And they just cuffed him, and then this guy that was smoking a cigarette walking his dog, and now I'm trying to... | ||
| I got my head buds out, so I'm trying to hear what the cops are saying, and we're walking right by him. | ||
| He said, how sad. | ||
| And I didn't see it as how sad. | ||
| I went... | ||
| I was like, no, these little girls have a problem. | ||
| But that's so interesting, the way you see social... | ||
| Like, social things you'll see differently, too, and I don't know if it has to do with the way you're brought up or the things that have gone through your life, but the black and blue dress, you know. | ||
| Here's an interesting way to show that we're all looking at the dress the wrong way. | ||
| If you take the picture of the dress on your laptop, go into your preferences, and invert your screen, so what it does is it reverses the colors. | ||
| It stays exactly the same if you see it white and gold. | ||
| It's not supposed to stay the same, obviously. | ||
| It's supposed to change to a different color. | ||
| So, yeah, it's a trip. | ||
| I made a video, if you look on my Instagram, where I show it, where I reverse my colors on my computer, and it stays exactly the same if you go to Instagram.com slash redband. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| Yeah, Jamie, you can pull that out. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
| Perception is a weird thing. | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| We just guess that we're seeing the same things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| But there's some dudes that are into, like, really weird chicks, you know, and you go, what is that guy seeing? | ||
| My overall three on this whole thing, though, is that time travel was created that day because that day started off the llamas, the black and white llama, Do you remember that? | ||
| There was a police chase in Arizona. | ||
| I heard about that. | ||
| And it was seriously, everybody was talking about it on Twitter. | ||
| Every TV channel was on TV. And it was just a police chase of trying to capture a black and white llama. | ||
| And they ended up capturing the white llama or something like that, the black llama. | ||
| It was like a race thing type thing. | ||
| I didn't hear about this at all. | ||
| Brian will never sell anyone on crime travel. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| So here's the dress. | ||
| So that's not what I'm talking about, but this shows how it changes colors if it goes into a shadow. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, what I posted... | ||
| Oh, that is weird. | ||
| I do see that when you pull it back, it does... | ||
| So it goes into a shadow, it changes color? | ||
| Exactly, because your eyes are now going in, you know, it's... | ||
| The light, just the light changing makes it change colors? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay, now I can finally see. | ||
| Jamie's a photographer. | ||
| Jamie, explain this. | ||
| Black doesn't absorb light, it reflects it. | ||
| And this is a, it's like a yellow shitty lamp, and it's a shitty camera. | ||
| And it's bouncing it off, and as soon as you move away from it, the exposure changes, the autofocus changes. | ||
| Wait, Brian, you went out and bought a dress. | ||
| Hold on, let him explain this. | ||
| So let him explain this. | ||
| There's a lot of things at play here, and people are just ignoring facts. | ||
| I think there's trolls also playing into this white and gold thing. | ||
| What are you talking about, Jamie? | ||
| There's no troll. | ||
| Let him talk. | ||
| I want to hear this. | ||
| I've been paying attention to it the whole time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For instance, the black and gold right there, watch it fading away. | |
| I'm holding, like, light is now in a shadow. | ||
| It's not a shadow. | ||
| Hey, by the way, I don't know why you're showing this video, because I'm not even talking about this video. | ||
| It has nothing to do with that. | ||
| It's not even the same dress. | ||
| Hold on, dude. | ||
| He's explaining what this effect is. | ||
| Let him talk. | ||
| This is my opinion, I suppose I would say. | ||
| What is happening here is I know this is a black and blue dress. | ||
| And when I'm seeing it, I'm going to go ahead and say, yeah, I know that there's also light here affecting the way I'm seeing the black and blue dress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's making other people see gold. | |
| All right, this is the video I'm talking about. | ||
| Let him explain. | ||
| So why is that? | ||
| I think it's a difference of people saying what they see and what they know they're seeing. | ||
| And it's just like an optical illusion. | ||
| Remember the two faces make a vase? | ||
| I see two faces, but someone else can see a vase. | ||
| You've never seen the blue and black though, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can see both of them and I also don't think it matters. | |
| This is an optical illusion. | ||
| Here's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Here's proof that we're seeing it wrong. | ||
| Go to this video where I open it up in Photoshop and I invert the colors of the screen. | ||
| When you invert a color to the opposite, it should change, right? | ||
| Is that in your Instagram? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Go to his Instagram. | ||
| It's on my Twitter. | ||
| It's in your Twitter? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fascinating, man. | ||
| It's hard for me to believe that that's the same thing. | ||
| It's weird as it moves away. | ||
| Well, what's confusing is that in... | ||
| I understand what as it moves away and absorbs lights and reflects light, but what I'm confused at is that when I see that one picture, you see it differently. | ||
| If we had changed sides, Jamie, and the lighting was different, would I see it the same way Joe sees it? | ||
| No, because you're looking at an image. | ||
| So it's just our cones are shaped differently, so I pick up different amount of light than you do. | ||
| So what were you seeing when that thing started out? | ||
| White and gold. | ||
| I saw that too. | ||
| I see white and gold. | ||
| I saw white and gold too. | ||
| As it pulls away, do you still see white and gold? | ||
| When it pulls away, I see blue and black. | ||
| Okay, me too. | ||
| And then, oddly enough, as it pulls closer, as they do that again, now I see what you're talking about when you go light blue and brown. | ||
| Or mustard. | ||
| Now I see it. | ||
| This is a way more radical change than the other one. | ||
| The other one, that other image was like, I mean, I kind of see, it's like a very light, like, we've all taken pictures before with, like, weird lighting on a digital camera, and you're like, oh, this is weird. | ||
| This doesn't look like what it really looked like in real life. | ||
| Because the colors are all off, for whatever reason. | ||
| Something's too bright, like a flash is too strong. | ||
| Before you play this, let me explain something real quick. | ||
| This is where I actually take this into Photoshop, and I use this thing called a color picker, where it picks the color and it shows you what the color is. | ||
| So what I was clicking on, which looked to me immediately gold or yellow, it was doing brown, dark brown, almost black. | ||
| And then when I did it to what I thought was white, it was doing it to a blue. | ||
| So then I decided to reverse, invert all the screens of the colors and watch how the pictures stay exactly the same. | ||
| I don't disagree with what you're saying here, but it's also a JPEG, and there's not all the data in there. | ||
| It's a compressed file. | ||
| It's not real-life color. | ||
| But when you reverse colors, it will change color, right? | ||
| Well, let's see. | ||
| Let's see what happens. | ||
| See? | ||
| That looks the same to you? | ||
| No, it's the same color is what I'm saying. | ||
| It's white and gold. | ||
| What? | ||
| Right now, that's kind of a golden white right now. | ||
| No. | ||
| I see you're seeing something completely different. | ||
| I see totally blue and black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do? | |
| You see right there, right there. | ||
| Right there, frozen screen dress. | ||
| Yes, that's white and gold to me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's fucking weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Technically, Joe, I think you know that it's black, so you're saying it's black. | |
| No, he's seeing completely different. | ||
| No, I'm seeing, first of all, the really important one is blue. | ||
| The blue is undeniable to me. | ||
| The other one that we're calling black, to me, it's not gold. | ||
| It's way darker than gold. | ||
| But it's not black of space. | ||
| It's more like a dark, dark bronze looking sort of a thing. | ||
| But it's not black or gold. | ||
| It's sort of disingenuous. | ||
| Yes, it's like a creepy black. | ||
| Yeah, the only way it could be black is if it's black that's super overexposed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you look at it in a more blurry way, like that image behind you, here's what's interesting, that image behind you on this different television, look behind you over your left shoulder, that looks different than that. | ||
| That looks way more black. | ||
| The one behind you on a totally different television. | ||
| I see no black, I see white and gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's also a better TV that's got billions more colors than that TV probably has. | |
| Wait a minute, isn't this the 4K TV? Yeah, this is the 4K TV. This is the one that has the most. | ||
| It has more resolution. | ||
| It might not have more colors available. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 4K's lines of resolution. | ||
| Whatever it is, that one looks better. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That looks way better than that one. | ||
| I still see them. | ||
| Both of them, I see white and gold right now. | ||
| You see a completely different thing. | ||
| Okay, let me ask you this. | ||
| When you're looking at these two screens, does one of them look clearer to you, more in focus? | ||
| This one right here looks brighter and nicer. | ||
| This one looks crisper. | ||
| This one looks kind of more like duller. | ||
| This looks like we're looking at the same dress through fog. | ||
| Boy, this podcast sucks a fat one for people that are just listening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to stop it. | |
| It's terrible. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't want to stop it. | ||
| I don't want to stop it because it's interesting. | ||
| Because what you're saying, I think, is important because you understand it from the point of view of someone who understands perspective and photography. | ||
| I've seen this happen multiple times, the photos I've taken. | ||
| I can change... | ||
| Through white balance, I can change the way a whole photo looks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| From green to purple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you take a picture of Bernie Mac and Halle Berry together. | |
| You can make them blend. | ||
| You're like, I see blue and black. | ||
| They've done that before. | ||
| Can I go outside and smoke a cigarette? | ||
| I can't deal with this. | ||
| You're totally not getting the point, Jamie. | ||
| I... Why are you getting upset? | ||
| Because you're talking about contrast and brightness, how you can change and make things look. | ||
| What I'm saying is me and Joe are looking at the exact same picture, and it looks exactly different. | ||
| Yeah, that's definitely a fact. | ||
| That seems to be going on other than what you're talking about. | ||
| I think we're dealing with two totally different issues. | ||
| First of all, we're dealing with the change of color, which was pretty drastic to me. | ||
| When I watched it go from white to gold to blue and black, I was like, wow, this is really weird. | ||
| Like, this is really weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then we're dealing with a frozen image, and in that frozen image, we see a different thing. | ||
| Two exactly different things. | ||
| We definitely see two different things. | ||
| I think that blows me away a little bit. | ||
| Well, that makes yellow cars all of a sudden make sense now. | ||
| I was looking at a yellow car. | ||
| I was like, bitch, do you know there's a lot of other colors? | ||
| Why the fuck do you want a yellow Corvette? | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| He's like, it's mustard. | ||
| This is just a silly color to me. | ||
| This is like, oh, this one? | ||
| Why not black? | ||
| Black is like dope. | ||
| My heart pressure, my blood pressure has gone up. | ||
| If you watch the llama video, it brings it down and it makes you still think that time travel was created that day. | ||
| I'm not going to let you watch the llama video. | ||
| I haven't even seen a llama video. | ||
| It's just a llama getting away from police. | ||
| Is it as cool as the leopard? | ||
| It's not as cool as the leopard, gentlemen, because it's a fucking llama. | ||
| It's a black one and a white one, and there's people trying to trick it, walking next to it, like, hey, how's it going? | ||
| And then the llama's like... | ||
| Get the fuck away from me. | ||
| It's like police helicopters. | ||
| It's like news. | ||
| They're just trying not to kill it, right? | ||
| Trying to make it captured. | ||
| I knew a dude who had llamas. | ||
| Paul Barkley, the owner of the Comedy Connection in Boston, one of the original owners. | ||
| He also owned this club called The Rack. | ||
| He's a very successful club owner. | ||
| A club called The Rack. | ||
| Remember, Brian? | ||
| We played at that place. | ||
| It was the pool hall that was right next to the Faneuil Hall when we used to do the comedy connection down there. | ||
| Anyway, that dude owned llamas. | ||
| He had a fucking giant spread out in the Cape, and he had fucking llamas on his lawn and shit. | ||
| Yeah, you want the alpacas. | ||
| The alpacas are what you want. | ||
| And then you want one llama to be dominant. | ||
| I got exotic animals grazing on my fucking yard, bitch! | ||
| That's like the ultimate. | ||
| To have some crazy llamas in your front yard. | ||
| Do you smell that? | ||
| What does that smell? | ||
| My fucking neighbor's llamas. | ||
| No! | ||
| You live on a farm. | ||
| This guy's got llamas. | ||
| You've been to Solvang, right? | ||
| I have not been to Solvang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I've driven through it. | ||
| I've not stopped. | ||
| They have this llama farm where you can just hang out with a shitload of llamas. | ||
| Dude, I entered. | ||
| I did an entire TV show about the Leaping Llama Festival. | ||
| You want to know the best part of it? | ||
| What? | ||
| The crux of the competition is how much you can adorn your llama with gear. | ||
| Like, put stuff on it, cover its eyes, and how you can control it. | ||
| And you've got to do a sketch. | ||
| So this is in front of the whole 4-H for all the high schools around, all the parents, all the kids. | ||
| I'm not producing, I'm just a host. | ||
| And I go, so what's me and the llama skit? | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| Rocky 3. I go, oh, it's my favorite Rocky. | ||
| Clubberland Rocky. | ||
| I go, I'm Rocky. | ||
| And they're like, fuck yeah. | ||
| You're going to come out. | ||
| The music will be playing. | ||
| You get the llama. | ||
| Llama's going to look just like Mr. T. So we get out. | ||
| I get it to the llama. | ||
| And it was a white llama. | ||
| So they had to put it in blackface. | ||
| So it had like red lips. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And they're like, well this part of the competition is to put shit on his face. | ||
| I go, yeah but it's racist! | ||
| It looks like a black face lava! | ||
| And I was supposed to go beat it up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| And they're like, it'll be fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's not even just a black face on my own. | |
| It's a black face on my own with gold chains. | ||
| It had gold chains? | ||
| Gold chains and gold knuckles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was covered like Mr. D. The whole fucking thing. | |
| Do you have a picture of it? | ||
| Settle down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| You're breaking glasses on the neighbor's wall. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| And I had to dance out and they played just some fucking eye of the tiger and I had to take punches at this fucking black-faced llama. | ||
| And the llama's just standing there because it's a fucking llama. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I'm like hitting it in the face. | ||
| My friend Steve Rinella and his brother Matt use llamas when they hunt to carry out the meat. | ||
| They have trained llamas. | ||
| They have these trained llamas. | ||
| They take them into, like, a cargo van. | ||
| They load them up in the back of the van, and they bring them to, like, Montana, and they pull them out of the van. | ||
| And these things are hardy as fuck. | ||
| And they can just carry shit. | ||
| And they don't give a fuck. | ||
| They don't get cold. | ||
| They just stand out there in the snow, and they're like, whatever. | ||
| Like, it doesn't bother them at all. | ||
| Their body temperature's way higher than ours. | ||
| They're way sturdier than ours. | ||
| And they use them to pack out meat. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| He had a whole show about it. | ||
| He had a show about these llamas going with them out and they're getting an elk and packing it into the back of these fucking llamas and traveling out of the woods with them. | ||
| It's just so weird. | ||
| He apparently had a moose once and in carrying the moose back to his car over and over again in all these trips, he fucked his back up. | ||
| So he literally couldn't hunt anymore because he couldn't carry anything out because he'd hurt his back so bad. | ||
| So he trained all these moose Or I trained all these... | ||
| What are they called again? | ||
| Meese? | ||
| No, the things we were just talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Llamas. | |
| Llamas. | ||
| Trained all these llamas to carry out the meat for them. | ||
| I thought you were talking about the plural of moose. | ||
| No, it's just that the word llama, I don't use that often. | ||
| It's not on the tip of my tongue. | ||
| Alpaca was there for some reason. | ||
| I was like, that's not it. | ||
| It's a llama. | ||
| But so these fucking things are pissing inside this van. | ||
| They're like disgusting. | ||
| In the back of this cargo van and then they pull them out and they slept in the van. | ||
| They'll spit at you. | ||
| You know Big Cat Derek, right? | ||
| That guy in Texas that has all the animals. | ||
| He has a llama. | ||
| If you look at his videos on Instagram, Big Cat Derek, he let his llama in his house the other day. | ||
| I don't know why he does this. | ||
| I think he just does it to film it, but the llama is just like breaking shit, going through his cupboards and throwing things, and it's just like hilarious. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| That's a fucking rude animal, man. | ||
| The animal's rude, but they don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| They have these things in the mountains in Montana. | ||
| It's just snowing like crazy, and you see these llamas just standing there like... | ||
| God, they don't give a fuck! | ||
| And it makes you realize, like, we're so vulnerable when it comes to the environment that we kind of, like, think of all animals as, even though we know that other animals are more hearty than us, we just don't understand, like, how could they survive this environment? | ||
| But wait, how did we? | ||
| Well, we figured out a way... | ||
| No, but I mean, how did the first couple generations... | ||
| It took a while, I'm sure. | ||
| We could only live in places where you can live without any worry of, like, heating yourself. | ||
| Like, that was the big issue. | ||
| Like, everything started out in the rainforest, right? | ||
| That's what they think. | ||
| It all started out in Africa. | ||
| And if it all started out in Africa, Africa is warm as fuck, okay? | ||
| The last thing you have to worry about is clothes. | ||
| The last thing you have to worry about is abundance of life. | ||
| The first thing you have to worry about is not becoming food. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| So it's all about getting to the high trees and figuring out weapons. | ||
| And it starts out, you're a bunch of super horny monkeys who fuck like crazy because they're going to reproduce as much as you can. | ||
| And everybody fucks everybody so that nobody gets greedy as far as like, oh, these are my fucking kids. | ||
| Your kids can suck my dick. | ||
| And everybody's like raising everybody because you're just trying to keep away from jaguars and fucking leopards and shit and whatever the hell else is trying to eat you. | ||
| So that's what we were forever until we slowly but surely figured out weapons. | ||
| We figured out weapons and shelter. | ||
| As soon as we could think, we could fucking hole up, build something, nothing can get in, and go, okay, how do you want to deal with these motherfuckers? | ||
| Dude, I've been thinking, you know how, like, you pull a stick, and it kind of, like, goes back to the original shape? | ||
| If I tie a fucking string on that bench, and then have some shit with, like, a long pointy thing that's sharp in the end, I think it can fly! | ||
| I think I'm going to shoot it right at these fucking crazy bears that are eating our babies, and we're going to figure out how to dominate these woods. | ||
| And the next thing you know, they started killing things, and they started using fire. | ||
| They figured out how to knock rocks together to create sparks, and the embers... | ||
| They would blow on it with dried moss and shit that they had saved for this occasion. | ||
| They get that little amber crackling, and they stack wood upon it, and that keeps the animals away from them. | ||
| The animals can't believe they can control the fire. | ||
| These motherfuckers have fire in their hands. | ||
| And they slowly figured out how to stockpile food. | ||
| They slowly figured out how to make walls. | ||
| So do you think community... | ||
| I think at times, like 9-11, community comes tighter because there's fear. | ||
| The fear's out there. | ||
| Do you think when people were getting eaten and they were a community, do you think community was tighter? | ||
| Or do you think there were people that talked shit behind people's backs? | ||
| They think that gossipy shit like really like gossipy type like the way people do it today and the way people are especially into celebrity gossip. | ||
| There's one theory that I found really fascinating was that they think that it has something to do with a lack of community. | ||
| Like someone was talking about They were talking about communities bonding together against an enemy, which is what cities used to be. | ||
| Cities used to bond together. | ||
| They used to have to worry about someone from outside coming into their midst. | ||
| But now people don't do that anymore because they don't really know their neighbors. | ||
| So they're not bonded with all the people that they live next to. | ||
| The people that they live next to are almost inconvenient. | ||
| Instead of it being like the best people in the world, they're all like everyone surrounded together. | ||
| No, you're just next to Mr. Johnson. | ||
| He's kind of an asshole and his dog shits on your yard. | ||
| There's always some weirdness involved. | ||
| But if there were lions roaming through this community, we'd all be a lot tighter. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, if you had to. | ||
| If you had to, you'd all be a lot tighter. | ||
| That's a great idea for a community service project. | ||
| Just release a lion, one lion. | ||
| No, because it's always gonna be somebody who doesn't realize that lion can fucking kill you, and they'll be really mad if you kill the lion, you know? | ||
| And there's people that, like, they really do choose animals over people, and animals welfare over people. | ||
| And, like, what we were saying before about people working hard to keep the tigers alive, like, I get it. | ||
| Believe me, I get it. | ||
| I'm completely joking. | ||
| I don't want tigers to go extinct. | ||
| But, if I lived in India, I would be like fucking Rambo, okay? | ||
| I would make an Iron Man suit, and I'd get every fucking weapon. | ||
| If tigers ate my family, dude, I would... | ||
| Gatlin guns. | ||
| I would just be wandering through the tall grasses, gunning down those cunty cats. | ||
| Imagine if they ate your mom in front of you. | ||
| Tiger ate your fucking mother and dragged her off to the top of a tree. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| What is this world? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just trying to save these things? | |
| Fucking metal helmet on like Iron Man and shit all fucking bolted down. | ||
| Just a giant carbon fiber and metal outfit with machine guns. | ||
| With like a million rounds of ammo. | ||
| a backpack filled with ammo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd pay to watch it. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I just just... | ||
| I was 10 feet from a lion about a month ago. | ||
| 10 feet from a lion in the wild. | ||
| Just watch it. | ||
| Every little movement of an animal is so heightened when it can kill you. | ||
| It just looks at you. | ||
| You want one of those safari trucks? | ||
| Open air. | ||
| Why are they open like that? | ||
| Because it's real. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| And it's scary. | ||
| Look, I'd love to be in a van, but it's real because you see the wildebeest running next to you, and you're running right next to them. | ||
| And then you see the lion, you see the hippo, you see the giraffe, you see everything out there. | ||
| You don't see gorillas. | ||
| That's the wrong place. | ||
| But, like, the lion was ten feet from us. | ||
| I mean, from me to that wall right there, and I just looked at it, and it looks at you, just like a cat just looks at you, flaps its tail, flaps its tail... | ||
| Kind of stares and looks off. | ||
| And you're just waiting for it to make that one move. | ||
| Like, huh? | ||
| And then go, it's all fucking over. | ||
| But Safari is well worth it. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I tamed lions for an episode of Hurt Burt one time. | ||
| You tamed them? | ||
| I tamed them, yeah. | ||
| What did you have to do? | ||
| Go into a room cage with like four, I guess, theoretically unruly lions. | ||
| But four lions and they call them out. | ||
| And they gave me... | ||
| Two? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They gave me like a fanny pack full of sirloin and a plunger stick with a nail on it. | ||
| And they're like, this is called your meat stick. | ||
| Don't lose it. | ||
| Don't drop it. | ||
| They'll respect you as long as you have your meat stick. | ||
| Put meat on the meat stick and the lions will respond to the meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, dude. | |
| I was like, I bet they will. | ||
| Jesus Christ, man. | ||
| It was fucking intense. | ||
| The smell of fear coming off you must have been like a New Jersey fucking trash dump. | ||
| It must have been just, whoa, this guy's terrified. | ||
| That was fucking really scary. | ||
| Do you think they could smell that? | ||
| Do you think they could smell that? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Oh, when you see that animal size you up, there's no doubt that is the king of the jungle. | ||
| I'm being dead serious. | ||
| He called out. | ||
| It's a little bit of a... | ||
| I'm not going to do the bitty part of it, what sounds like a bit, but it's very true. | ||
| He calls him out. | ||
| He said they all listened to the head of the pride. | ||
| So he calls him out, and he's like, Mufasa! | ||
| And this lion just comes out. | ||
| When you see a lion look at you, it's not like someone... | ||
| It's like someone walking by you in prison. | ||
| He sizes you up. | ||
| I mean, I looked at that thing, and his eyes are huge, his lungs, as he breathed, it felt like golf bags were being squeezed. | ||
| I mean, you could hear these breaths. | ||
| I mean, and it just runs up, and then it stands there, but it never takes its eye off you. | ||
| It's never like, man, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| It's just staring at you, and it's sizing you up. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He called out two more lions. | ||
| The next one's name was Simba, and the last one's name was Doug or Reggie. | ||
| It was fucking horrible, but he calls it over, and the other one, last one was unruly, and just went right up to me. | ||
| Nose in my junk, but not, but powerful. | ||
| You know when a dog does it, and everyone's like, oh, and they hold their, but it doesn't feel like he's in it? | ||
| He put his nose in my junk and bent me over, like, and I dropped the meat stick, and now I'm fumbling for my fucking meat. | ||
| I'm like, it was intense as fuck. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| We did this thing called the Ring of Circle, or the Tunnel of Death, where they stand the lions up, four lions, and they hang over, and they roar at you as you walk through them. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Roar, just roar. | ||
| Just like you're fucking... | ||
| Now it's your first night in prison. | ||
| You're welcome to Oz, motherfucker! | ||
| And it was... | ||
| It was fucking insane. | ||
| Dude, why? | ||
| For a TV show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| That no one saw. | ||
| Was that the scariest thing that you ever had to do? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That wasn't the scariest? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I've done... | ||
| The scariest thing was getting mauled by the bull probably because I really got hurt and I could have gotten killed. | ||
| That's probably the scariest thing, you know... | ||
| How'd you get mauled by a bull? | ||
| You've seen it. | ||
| Pull up, type in Hurt Burt Rodeo Clown. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Did we play that before? | ||
| I'm sure we have. | ||
| I'm sure we have. | ||
| That was probably the scariest because I realized, oh fuck, there is no golden egg policy in this TV show. | ||
| They don't really give a fuck if I get hurt. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| I broke my ribs, broke my foot, and I was like... | ||
| And then I remember getting done and they were like, we need more footage. | ||
| This is just me getting mold. | ||
| This is perfect. | ||
| So this bull, this is a big fucking bull, dude. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And you're stuck in a bullpen with this thing. | ||
| No, dude! | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| My foot's broken. | ||
| I'm trying to run on it, but it's broken. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| That bull just full-on charged you. | ||
| Well, what would they have done if you got, like, gore to death? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Absolutely nothing. | ||
| That's what I realized. | ||
| That's what scared me the most about reality-driven host reality shows. | ||
| We had actually shot for about another hour of me in the barrel, and the bull hitting the barrel, because this is back when you had to make TV that was eight minutes. | ||
| You had to do an eight-minute segment or a five-minute segment, so they didn't feel like they had it in just this shot. | ||
| What kind of fucking producers do you have, man? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| It's the same one that maybe... | ||
| I told the Fightin' a Bear story on this isn't happening. | ||
| This is not happening. | ||
| It's the same producer. | ||
| Oh my god, that's crazy. | ||
| That guy was like reckless with you. | ||
| He made me wear makeup. | ||
| That was probably the scariest thing I've done to date. | ||
| Having said that, obviously jumping out of a plane with Rachael Ray was terrifying. | ||
| Being the first guy to jump off a stratosphere was pretty insane. | ||
| A lot of these rope swings that I'm doing these days, I showed you the one in Durban, but we did one in Switzerland that was like fucking next level terrifying. | ||
| Bulls are fucking horrifying when you're right next to them. | ||
| Anything with big animals. | ||
| I can't believe that thing hit you like that. | ||
| Big animals, you can't tell them to, like, take it at 50% so that we get the shot. | ||
| What did that feel like when that thing fucking slammed into you? | ||
| Helpless. | ||
| It's like, you ever been in a car accident and you went, whoa, fuck, I forgot, I'm this fragile. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A helpless. | ||
| When it hit me, I remember it instantly knocking the air out of me. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But there was this fight-or-flight survival instinct where I was... | ||
| I mean, my foot was broken and my ribs were broken. | ||
| And automatically I just get up, like, I remember the first words I said were, how do I get out of here? | ||
| But it's not like, there's no TV in my head, I'm just like, how the fuck do I get out of here? | ||
| And they told me the number one thing, they said, do not go to the walls of the ring, because if he pins you in between there, he won't let go, and that'll kill you. | ||
| And I went, but I didn't think. | ||
| I just went right to the fucking wall to get out of there because I was like, I'm in the middle of the fucking pen. | ||
| It's going to come back for me. | ||
| It's going to stomp me. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And they had no fucking plan to keep you safe. | ||
| They had no plan. | ||
| I mean, no plan. | ||
| And I think FX canceled that knowing, fuck, we really dodged a bullet. | ||
| This kid could have been killed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But... | ||
| Do you have trust issues now? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| That sounds like a joke. | ||
| I have hardcore trust issues with reality shows. | ||
| You should. | ||
| And everyone that works on TripFlip and Birth to Conqueror, they all know that I'm like, I feel like you may fuck with my safety to get the shot. | ||
| And here's the other problem. | ||
| Sometimes when I say this, and I know maybe you've listened to this and you've been a part of this, but there are guys that know me if they see me and we're shooting and they recognize this podcast. | ||
| You know my honesty. | ||
| The problem sometimes is you go into a place where you go like, we're going to go redneck muddin'. | ||
| And we got a guy, we got a truck, we're going to interview him on TV, and then we're going to get in his truck and he's going to take us for a ride. | ||
| Well, sometimes it's not always across the board that you can't drink in those trucks. | ||
| And a lot of times the guys are drinking. | ||
| And the other thing that is kind of fucked up is... | ||
| I don't want to paint it off that all these red mud things are, but often they don't really care. | ||
| And the other thing is, is that for TV, that one guy who has been drinking, whose name's like Bubba, he wants to, you gotta show the Hollywood boy what we do down here in Alabama. | ||
| And I'm not saying Alabama's the place that we did this. | ||
| I understand what you're saying. | ||
| We gotta show this Hollywood boy how to, hey, Ricky, Bobby, Bubba, take it to the next level. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And you get guys where they say to you stuff like, you're gonna get fucked up tonight, Hollywood. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| And you just, it's this weird thing. | ||
| You do these fucking sky jumps and these jumps. | ||
| And they're like, so the guy was telling me, I did one in Switzerland, and he goes, make sure to lift your feet, you might hit the rock. | ||
| And I went, hold on. | ||
| I go, I need to know if I'm going to hit the fucking rock. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| But he's fucking with you because you're making a TV show and they think they'll be making better TV shows. | ||
| And so that happens a lot of times as you go to these fucking tracks or these like, you know, like we were in a top fuel dragster, 130 miles an hour in three seconds. | ||
| And I had a panic attack. | ||
| I had a full panic attack. | ||
| Because they put you in a flame retardant suit. | ||
| Five-point harness. | ||
| They harness your hands to the suit, so you can't move your hands. | ||
| So you're basically in handcuffs, in like a straitjacket. | ||
| They put a helmet on you and a neck brace on the helmet around you, and they tighten the helmet up, and you cannot move. | ||
| It's for your safety, but I started panicking, and I was very clear. | ||
| I was like, hey guys, I don't need you to try to break the world's record. | ||
| Like 130 miles an hour in three seconds is going to look pretty fast. | ||
| And you just want to make sure that they don't want to think they're making the show better by putting you in danger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that sounds really fucking dangerous. | ||
| There's a lot of things, but it's all, I mean, you know, everything with trip flip that we've ever done has always been gauged in safety. | ||
| But that's because I'm an executive producer and I'm, fuck, everyone knows I'm a pussy. | ||
| But isn't it fascinating, dude, that you have these like really contradictory feelings? | ||
| Like you're terrified of shit, but your job, like a big part of your job entails you putting yourself in tremendous danger for no reason whatsoever. | ||
| Yeah, I think about that all the time. | ||
| I wonder what the fuck's wrong with me. | ||
| I think you're trying to exercise it out of your system or something. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| I went scuba diving at 80 feet to go see a wreck. | ||
| I had a panic attack halfway through. | ||
| I had to swim back up. | ||
| In a moment of panic, in a real honest panic, it's beautiful because life's never been more defined in what you want and what you don't want. | ||
| And I fucking was like, I want nothing at the bottom of this ocean. | ||
| All the shit I dig is up top. | ||
| But, and I had a hard time. | ||
| I ended up doing it and seeing the wreck at 80 feet. | ||
| My brain the whole time was like, I could totally fuck with you right now. | ||
| And then I got done and I was fucking celebrating it. | ||
| I mean, it's finding new boundaries in your spirit or your soul or your DNA and getting to the next level. | ||
| And I'm a little addicted to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So risky. | |
| You're space traveling. | ||
| Everybody wants to go to space. | ||
| You know what's up there? | ||
| Rocks. | ||
| How about you go in the ocean? | ||
| They have fucking sharks and clams and crabs and eels and weird fucking things that have fishing rods growing out of their heads. | ||
| They're tricking fish and opening their mouth up like some cartoon monster. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Sucking the fish in. | ||
| It's like space with monsters. | ||
| That world's way crazier. | ||
| Space is stupid. | ||
| Space is just... | ||
| We've been waiting. | ||
| Every night, no flying saucers. | ||
| It's just infinity. | ||
| Go in that ocean, that's fucking the wildest world out there, man. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| If they said there were monsters, like just 20,000 feet in the atmosphere... | ||
| There were killer whales in the clouds. | ||
| Do you know how fucking popular SeaWorld would be? | ||
| If there's killer whales in the clouds? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could just go up in a plane, your own plane, and fight animals? | |
| Like, that would be fucking amazing. | ||
| Could you imagine if you had to go to space to see, like, condors, and you'd get up there and you'd see them? | ||
| Who's that fucking bird? | ||
| And they wanted to eat you? | ||
| They only exist in space. | ||
| You'd have to go see them in space. | ||
| You'd appreciate them way more. | ||
| You'd appreciate birds in space way more than birds down here. | ||
| Birds down here are bullshit. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if you see a duck. | ||
| I'm not pulling the car over for ducks. | ||
| You only care if they're fucking. | ||
| But if you had ducks in space, they would be the craziest things ever. | ||
| If you were on the moon and there were ducks, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here! | ||
| There's ducks on the goddamn moon! | ||
| Dude, there's ducks at the park! | ||
| We can go feed them. | ||
| They wait for people to throw bread at them. | ||
| Who gives a fuck if they're in space? | ||
| It's like something in space makes it way cooler. | ||
| If you found some naked retard on the moon, you'd be like, there's a guy on the moon! | ||
| He's a naked retard, though. | ||
| You get a rock from space, and you're like, oh, it's from fucking space! | ||
| Yeah, he's up there. | ||
| Welcome to the moon, quiz! | ||
| And he's jerking off at the camera. | ||
| He's like, we found intelligent life. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| You got a guy who's beaten off on the moon camera. | ||
| We'd be so excited. | ||
| We found... | ||
| He lives on the moon! | ||
| We lose our fucking mind! | ||
| He's trying to communicate. | ||
| We're trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because all the years of loneliness and madness alone, beating off on the moon, he didn't understand how inappropriate it was in our culture. | ||
| We cannot expect him, the crazy man on the moon, to have our ethics and our... | ||
| The way we look at the world. | ||
| That guy would be so... | ||
| Meanwhile, there's a million of those guys in insane asylums all across the country. | ||
| We don't appreciate them. | ||
| You're in that room. | ||
| You've got a cage. | ||
| Not that big a deal. | ||
| But if that guy is just jerking off in the nurse's face on the moon, it was just him and the nurse on the moon, and you see him, and he's holding her down, jerking off in her face, like, what the fuck is going on on the moon? | ||
| Insane asylum on the moon. | ||
| That sounds like a movie. | ||
| It should be. | ||
| It should be. | ||
| be Rob Zaman's next film. | ||
| Why did you dream so much about Joe? | ||
| He doesn't dream that much. | ||
| Because you said two separate occasions. | ||
| Why don't you ask me shit when I'm not around? | ||
| And then tell me. | ||
| The distorted version. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is your old cat still alive, Joe? | |
| I think this might be the week. | ||
| It's day by day. | ||
| I'm like, you know, I might let you live one more day. | ||
| You know, it's just getting too bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's getting too old. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| My girl's going alright. | ||
| She can't see good anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She's 19 now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eek. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And so she can still hop up on the couch. | ||
| Does she fall though? | ||
| So she falls off shit. | ||
| Yeah, she falls. | ||
| We used to have her food like it was like on this little counter area. | ||
| She would jump up to it. | ||
| But now she slips a couple times and it's sad. | ||
| Sad to watch her slip. | ||
| When is it the point where you're like... | ||
| When she's in pain. | ||
| In pain. | ||
| How do you know where not to? | ||
| I don't know, she might be. | ||
| But when I feel like she's miserable, you know, I don't want her to just slowly die. | ||
| If you could put her to sleep, it's probably more humane. | ||
| I've been looking at her and she sleeps about 99% of her life now. | ||
| How long is yours? | ||
| About the same age. | ||
| About 17, something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sad. | |
| But when she is awake, she's puking. | ||
| She can barely pee in the litter box anymore. | ||
| She's just going right outside of it or something like that. | ||
| And it's just like, is she in pain right now? | ||
| Actually, they get dementia. | ||
| They literally have kitty cat Alzheimer's. | ||
| They meow in the middle of the night. | ||
| They'll howl. | ||
| Yeah, that's really bad now. | ||
| Yeah, my cat, she picks up my daughter's shoes. | ||
| My daughter has these Uggs, these soft shoes. | ||
| She picks them up and carries them in her mouth. | ||
| And while she's carrying them in her mouth, she's going... | ||
| This weird powell. | ||
| She thinks it's a kitten? | ||
| I don't know what. | ||
| She never had kittens. | ||
| Maybe she's going mad because she never had babies. | ||
| Now here's a question for you. | ||
| When this happens, do you... | ||
| I've never had to deal with this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's dark. | |
| I didn't even think of that. | ||
| Do you have to go... | ||
| Should you go to the vet, have her put to sleep? | ||
| Or do you think it's cooler to just go to a nice field and just let her be like, look, good luck. | ||
| Brian, no. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Brian. | ||
| Why would you say that? | ||
| But she's gonna starve to death. | ||
| Well, I feel like it's like, I'm getting my, like, it's either going, hey, I'm ready to give you, uh, you're gonna go on the electric chair, like, you're gonna go on an electric chair, or we're leaving that prison door open. | ||
| No, Brian, there's no prison door open. | ||
| Dude, they give him a shot. | ||
| They give him a shot and they're dead within moments. | ||
| They don't electricate them. | ||
| They give the cat a shot, and they're dead within moments. | ||
| Or they do it IV, and they're dead within moments. | ||
| And here's what you do. | ||
| Here's what you do. | ||
| Schedule an appointment to put her down tomorrow. | ||
| She'll start acting 100% as soon as you schedule that appointment. | ||
| Anytime you have to put out an animal. | ||
| It's the day you go, all right, here it goes. | ||
| They're totally perked. | ||
| Like, hey, no, I feel good. | ||
| Well, she's probably, my cat is probably a little healthier than yours because she still gets around and, you know, she sleeps a lot. | ||
| But she comes over to me, she wants to get pet, but she sounds like she's like... | ||
| Yeah, her voice. | ||
| She doesn't sound happy. | ||
| She doesn't sound happy. | ||
| It's like a squawk, you know. | ||
| Well, she's fucking 19 years old, man. | ||
| For cats, that's a long-ass time. | ||
| That cat lived with me on the other side of the world. | ||
| Is there like some stupid law that you have to hold your cat when they put it to sleep? | ||
| No, you don't do that. | ||
| You just hand it to them. | ||
| Oh, you do? | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Yeah, that's called law of having a heart. | ||
| No, I don't want to... | ||
| You can't just like hand it in a box and be like, I'm done with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to want, trust me, you're going to want to be there. | ||
| Can you pay extra for that? | ||
| You can pay extra for them to come to your house and do it. | ||
| I was there for a puppy that had distemper. | ||
| We got it from this guy. | ||
| I got it from Callan. | ||
| I think it was Callan's friend. | ||
| And it had distemper, and it started having seizures. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| And the seizures kept coming more and more frequent, and this dog would just lock up in agony. | ||
| And the doctor was like, you know, there's really no hope at this stage. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, I can't believe this. | ||
| Like, the moment we got him, he's really cute, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it was hard, man, because the doctor was crying. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, we held on to the puppy. | ||
| He gives the puppy the shot, and it just kind of goes stiff. | ||
| I was there through the whole thing. | ||
| Did it go stiff? | ||
| Yeah, it just went limp rather, you know. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to watch, man. | ||
| And the guy who's like, I've talked about him before. | ||
| His name is Dr. Craig. | ||
| He was cool. | ||
| Like a really cool guy. | ||
| He died. | ||
| He got killed by a drunk driver, man. | ||
| Somebody slammed into him one day. | ||
| I got an email or something about it. | ||
| It might have been an actual physical mail because it was quite a while ago. | ||
| I was so bummed out. | ||
| That guy cared about animals so much. | ||
| He'd been around so many animals that he had put to sleep, but when that puppy died and I was crying, he started crying too, man. | ||
| He's a doctor, you know? | ||
| He's like, it's the hardest part of my job because I love being able to save him, but he had like fucking 15 dogs. | ||
| Like, the guy loved animals. | ||
| He had a bunch of cats, a bunch of dogs, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was just a sweetheart of a guy, man. | |
| Sad shit. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| Take it easy. | ||
| at the end of the podcast. | ||
| Yeah, we've been fighting that with Pris, Yeah, how old is your dog? | ||
| Two. | ||
| She's had five knee surgeries. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Five. | ||
| Now we're getting the big one, the knee replacement. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's wrong with her? | ||
| Why is she... | ||
| Purebred. | ||
| Purebred. | ||
| It's overbred, interbreeding, and she had torn ACL, and then she tore the other ACL. I had a dog like that. | ||
| She had both her ACLs replaced. | ||
| She's had both her ACLs done twice, and she's had her kneecaps put back in place because she had degenerative kneecaps. | ||
| And the one leg, her right leg, just never really healed. | ||
| So we went in, and we went to therapy, and they're like, look, There's no cartilage in there. | ||
| The only thing that's possible is a knee replacement or we cut the leg off or we just leave it and she drags it and And I was just in the place where I was like I was like I already paid so much fucking money for this dog Get the fucking new knee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How old's your dog? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two. | |
| Two. | ||
| And they're getting a knee replacement. | ||
| Do they think there's any like Light on the horizon? | ||
| It's like an 80% chance that it's going to be fine. | ||
| I think they put that out of all the cases of knee replacements, but it's only been around for a couple years. | ||
| So they're getting better at it, obviously. | ||
| But just to be able to give this dog an opportunity to run and chase, play, and just play, other than sit on the couch and come up and get love. | ||
| I mean, it gets love all the time, but... | ||
| Yeah, I've seen those ones that are doing for people now. | ||
| They showed there was an animated version of the operation online where they do a full knee replacement. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| You're watching and you're just going like, what? | ||
| Like, this is crazy. | ||
| They're sawing your knee off and putting this new piece. | ||
| Yeah, cut it off. | ||
| New piece of equipment that's like on a groove and socket sort of set up and you're watching this whole thing that screws into place and like... | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're making bionic knees. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I guess for people that have it, man, it's a huge pain relief. | ||
| Some people have degenerative diseases of their joints, and it just gets to the point where there's nothing they can do about it. | ||
| Like Rouse. | ||
| You know Sean Rouse. | ||
| Dude, I just hit him up this week. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He is such a talented comedian. | ||
| Very, very funny dude. | ||
| And he has a very extreme case of arthritis, where he's, I guess it's called rheumatoid arthritis, but very extreme, where his hands and his knees, and like, he's always in agony. | ||
| And I know he's had some, I think he's had some... | ||
| He just got new knees or something like that. | ||
| I believe Russell Peters bought it for him. | ||
| Wow, that sounds like Russell. | ||
| Russell's a good guy. | ||
| He's buying knees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the best. | |
| Yeah, see if he'll buy my dog's knee. | ||
| Well, Rouse is a really funny fucking comic, man. | ||
| Really funny. | ||
| He's really talented. | ||
| He is a fucking beyond talented comic. | ||
| Yeah, it's sad when you see shit like that and you just don't know what is it? | ||
| I mean, can they fix it? | ||
| What's the solution? | ||
| Like, there's got to be a way to improve that. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about medical science is that they look at a situation like that and they slowly but surely chip away at all the different ways to fix the problem. | ||
| Like, every day they're coming up with all these new methods for dealing with things that were almost insurmountable just a little while ago. | ||
| Like they got this doctor in Germany that's replacing people's discs now. | ||
| Like I've heard of quite a few people going there. | ||
| And I talked to a doctor about it and he explained to me that there's certain artificial discs that they've created in Germany. | ||
| That, you know, for people that have neck injuries or back injuries, a lot of times they get their discs fused. | ||
| And what that means is they take your two bones of your disc, they remove all the gel that separates them, they cut it all away, and they put the two bones together and they screw them into each other. | ||
| So now you only have the degeneration of the disc above it and the disc below it. | ||
| You have one giant fat disc that doesn't move that well. | ||
| So you just can't go like all the way back. | ||
| It just fucks with your movement. | ||
| It fucks with your mobility for some people. | ||
| But for some people it's a significant like release of pain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so then they came out with these spacers. | ||
| They had these spacers that they used in replacement of a disc. | ||
| I believe that that's what the operation they did to Tito Ortiz, and they explained it on the UFC. They showed, like, the doctor came and showed this spacer, this plastic spacer. | ||
| But what they figured out now in Germany is like this articulating, sort of moving joint, almost. | ||
| And they're putting it in people's necks. | ||
| I know Braulio Estima got one of those. | ||
| I don't know if the same thing, but he's a world-famous jiu-jitsu champion. | ||
| Who had a significant neck injury and he had his disc replaced with an artificial disc and talked about it and how much of a benefit it was to him. | ||
| So these guys are getting these discs like where they were like really fucked up before and this one guy's a skier and he was fucked up before and he's had like two or three discs replaced with these artificial discs and now he's like skiing again. | ||
| He feels great. | ||
| I'm like, that's crazy. | ||
| Like they're putting like robot discs in people. | ||
| I have neck problems and shoulder problems. | ||
| What's your issues? | ||
| I have no fucking clue. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Oh, nothing. | ||
| Just went 150 miles an hour to the side of a mountain in Vegas. | ||
| I think that might have something to do with it. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| But it goes from my elbow to my... | ||
| I told you about that. | ||
| I was worried I was going to probably deal with what Boss Ruten's dealing with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he gets it from MMA, and I get it from five roller coasters. | ||
| Well, he got it, actually. | ||
| Boss Rootin had, like, a few neck problems from MMA and from jiu-jitsu and kickboxing, but the big one happened to him during stunt work. | ||
| He was doing an episode of Sons of Anarchy, and he got dropped on his head, and it fucked his neck up. | ||
| Like, that, like, really fucked his neck up, and that's when he had to get his discs fused and all that jazz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, so it wasn't even like MMA. It was like doing stunt work. | ||
| Stunt work is hard fucking work, man. | ||
| Those guys that ride those bulls all the time, those guys that, I mean, people that are rodeo clowns, like, there's some hard work out there. | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| It's all in the same kind of category, you know? | ||
| There are a lot of men out there that are just fearless. | ||
| I could never... | ||
| I mean, I guess I do do it a little bit, but... | ||
| Dude, I've seen stuntmen do ridiculous shit in movies. | ||
| You watch, like, some of those making-of movies, and you see, like, car accidents these stuntmen have to do, or motorcycle wrecks, they have to lay down bikes, and, like... | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| All for some shitty movie? | ||
| Lay down bikes is the scary one because you don't know what's gonna happen with it. | ||
| Like, we've done spin-outs in cars where we've had cars come and hit us and spin us out, but ultimately you know it's not gonna flip. | ||
| Laying down a bike, I saw one in Anchorman the other day, Jack Black was supposed to do it, but the bike fucking caught and started flipping crazy. | ||
| I went, dude, I bet that was one fucking stuntman who lost his shit. | ||
| Yeah, if he didn't lose his shit, he's a better man than I. Yeah. | ||
| Somebody died in a Steven Seagal movie. | ||
| A guy was making a Steven Seagal movie and died in some sort of a wreck. | ||
| Can you imagine if he died for one of those straight-to-DVD, shitty-the-end ones? | ||
| Not like the early ones, either. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Above the Law was badass. | |
| To this day, I still enjoy Above the Law. | ||
| That comes on. | ||
| It was a fun, stupid movie. | ||
| I like the one, is that the one where he's the cook in the Navy? | ||
| No, that's a different one. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| You had a few good ones back in the day. | ||
| A ship won. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Under Siege. | |
| Under Siege. | ||
| Under Siege 2. Under Siege 2 is pretty good. | ||
| The ship won. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My buddy Mike Starr was on one of those with him, and he had to do a fight scene with Steven Seagal. | ||
| He had to wear this chest protector and let Steven Seagal punch him in the chest. | ||
| He said it sucked. | ||
| Just a regular actor, too. | ||
| He wasn't even a stunt guy. | ||
| But you're getting your chest lit up by some guy who's a big fucker who knows how to punch you. | ||
| Steven Seagal is big? | ||
| He's a big fucker. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's a big dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's probably like 6'4", 6'3", somewhere on there. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| How tall? | ||
| Take a guess. | ||
| I was gonna say 5'10". | ||
| No, he's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How tall is Steven Seagal? | |
| Seriously, no shit. | ||
| 6'4". | ||
| Yeah, see? | ||
| It's not automatically known. | ||
| His sister, Katie Seagal, was married with children. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's his sister, the mom from Married With Children. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's his sister. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Nailed it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that true, Jamie? | ||
| Why are you looking at Jamie? | ||
| Just look at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Katie Seagal is his sister. | |
| Shut up, Jamie. | ||
| Oh, you son of a bitch. | ||
| Jamie, you're just a white-dressed, gold-looking motherfucker today, aren't you? | ||
| Are you going to stick to this, Bert Crouch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bet Jamie proves to be correct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Steven Seagal. | |
| Their son's name, their son, is Jason Seagal. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Relatives. | |
| Yep, there we go. | ||
| She changed. | ||
| Is that her name? | ||
| White gold. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is her. | |
| That's her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not him. | |
| Not him. | ||
| So it's not. | ||
| No, she just is keeping Stephen off there because she's embarrassed. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| Hold on, bullshit. | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| It's spelled totally different. | ||
| No, Steven Seagal and Katie Seagal are fucking brother-sister. | ||
| You're gonna have to put her here some data, son. | ||
| Go to Steven Seagal's website. | ||
| She's not proud of it the way fucking the girls are proud of it. | ||
| Listen, Steven Seagal made up a bunch of shit about being a Navy SEAL. Why wouldn't he make up a bunch of shit about this? | ||
| Didn't he? | ||
| Didn't he do some, like, special ops work? | ||
| I think he threw a little Brian Williams in there. | ||
| Highly questionable. | ||
| Opkido, Hollywood, DirecTV. | ||
| Legit as a martial artist. | ||
| Oh, here, I'm reading it right here. | ||
| Steven Seagal, younger brother to the less, more famous Katie Seagal. | ||
| Come on, what is that on fucking Bob's website? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| What website are you watching? | ||
| It's The Union? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The guy's a legit martial artist. | ||
| I'll give him that. | ||
| Okay, look, maybe they're not brother and sister. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucked up, you son of a bitch. | |
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| You know, you just ruined the story in my head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you. | |
| It was so much more interesting to me. | ||
| No, they are not related, you fuck. | ||
| It's not even spelled the same. | ||
| This ruined it for me, though. | ||
| Fuck you guys. | ||
| I always had this interesting story of them growing up together. | ||
| Sir, your view of reality is quite rigid. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Steven Seagal is a fine gentleman and an excellent martial artist. | ||
| Katie Seagal, a fine actor in her own right. | ||
| You have besmirched their name. | ||
| Besmirched? | ||
| With your horrible... | ||
| You were so committed to that rumor. | ||
| You don't even want to know the truth. | ||
| I've been holding that in my head for fucking years and being like, isn't that fascinating? | ||
| That they both kind of took different angles in the business that don't even look like. | ||
| All it would have taken was a simple Google search. | ||
| You just weren't willing to do it. | ||
| But you were willing to get on this podcast and argue to the fucking death. | ||
| I believe in faith. | ||
| I believe in faith. | ||
| You gotta have faith. | ||
| I heard that one from George Michaels. | ||
| And Fred Durst. | ||
| Baby! | ||
| Alright, that's it. | ||
| Podcast over. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| Bert Kreischer, follow him on Twitter. | ||
| Brian Redband, R-E-D-B-A-N on Twitter. | ||
| Be back later this week. | ||
| See ya. | ||
| I don't know. |
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