March 3, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:58:37
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Are we live? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| We don't need no fucking stinking music. | ||
| We don't need it, man. | ||
| We got us. | ||
| We got us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were just discussing referees letting guys get choked unconscious. | ||
| So we need you to educate that dude from this previous weekend. | ||
| Yeah, I think some guys have never been choked out. | ||
| I think that's one thing. | ||
| Even if you don't have a martial arts background, you can be a referee. | ||
| You're aware of that, right? | ||
| You can be. | ||
| Yes, you can be a referee. | ||
| All you have to do is understand what's going on. | ||
| You take referee classes and you learn. | ||
| You can start out taking referee classes as a complete, total novice. | ||
| I think as a ref, you should have at least been choked out once and been knocked out once. | ||
| I mean, Herb Dean had a pro fight, I think. | ||
| Oh, he had several pro fights. | ||
| Yeah, a couple. | ||
| And Herb Dean rolls all the time. | ||
| Herb Dean's a real martial artist. | ||
| So is Mario... | ||
| Yamasaki's a black belt. | ||
| So is John McCarthy. | ||
| He's a black belt in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| All those guys that we think. | ||
| So is Josh, who's in jail right now. | ||
| Josh is out. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's out. | |
| Pretty sure he's out. | ||
| Josh has a very high level brown belt. | ||
| Even if you're a one-stripe white belt, you know what the hell's going on. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Especially on a rear naked choke. | ||
| It's not like it was a dars or something hidden you can't see. | ||
| Well, he was face up, too. | ||
| It was a rear naked face up. | ||
| So it wasn't like, you know... | ||
| Like, sometimes guys get choked out, and the guy's on top of them, and they have their back, and they got their belly down, and you can't see the guy's face. | ||
| But when the guy's face up, and you're looking at his eyes behind his head... | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Yeah, he cues out for a couple seconds. | ||
| You know, sometimes people just don't make good decisions. | ||
| You know, they just... | ||
| They err. | ||
| It's not that they're bad people. | ||
| It's just they err. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| And in that case... | ||
| Look, if I fuck up... | ||
| It's not good because a bunch of people are listening. | ||
| They want the show to be smooth and entertaining. | ||
| But if I fuck up, it's not that big a deal. | ||
| No one's getting hurt. | ||
| If this guy fucks up, someone's going to get choked to sleep that wouldn't get choked to sleep or someone's going to get beaten a few extra times. | ||
| Which can make a huge difference. | ||
| The beatings for sure. | ||
| Well, good thing it was in a joint manipulation submission because then you're talking about someone's arm being broken instead of just getting choked out. | ||
| Well, in that situation, though, don't you let the guy fight out of it? | ||
| Like, I let a guy fight out of a full arm bar. | ||
| Because the way I would feel is that if his arm pops, that's on him. | ||
| And guys have gotten their arms popped in one fight to four. | ||
| Jon Jones got his fucking arm popped against Vitor. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| Fuck yeah, he did. | ||
| He got his arm completely hyperextended. | ||
| Yeah, but then Vitor's whole body... | ||
| Dude, it was bad. | ||
| There's probably, well, if we play the video, there might be a picture of it, you can find an image of it, but at full extension. | ||
| It was completely hyperextended the other way. | ||
| And John's elbow was fucked up for a long time after that, because I remember he had to coach the ultimate fighter, and that's one of the things they said, like, well, this is good anyway, because he can't really train right now, because his elbow's fucked up from the Vitor fight. | ||
| So he went and tapped. | ||
| That's probably the closest he's been to losing, huh? | ||
| Besides the decision with Alexander, but that's definitely the closest. | ||
| Most trouble he's been in. | ||
| For sure, for sure. | ||
| That was a bad, bad, bad, bad spot. | ||
| Vitor's a nasty dude. | ||
| You know, a lot of people are taking him for granted versus Weidman because of the whole TRT thing. | ||
| I don't fucking buy it, man. | ||
| I don't buy it for a second. | ||
| He looks good in his pictures. | ||
| He looks way better than he used to. | ||
| Like, there was a period after he got off TRT where he deflated. | ||
| When we saw him at the Zwaynes, he looked like a straight... | ||
| Welter weight. | ||
| Yeah, but it looks he looks a lot thicker now. | ||
| Yeah, he looks way better. | ||
| So I know he's been doing a lot of They say that the way you have to jump start your system one of the big ways you do a lot of compound exercises like cleans and presses Because it forces your body to produce as testosterone and estrogen Yeah, yeah big big things like he was doing searcher squats Which is where you know you like it's almost like you do you put your hands together like you and make your arms like you're curling you put the bar and You hang it from your arms and you do your squats like that. | ||
| They're tough, man, on your core? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, I do them too. | ||
| So he's doing all that kind of crazy shit. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| So, you know, I'm hoping this is how it, uh, how he, this is one example of it. | ||
| But this gives you an idea how strong Jones is. | ||
| He's just so weird strong. | ||
| He's ridiculously strong. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But Vitor caught it at a perfect spot. | ||
| You know, he might have been able to win the fight if he didn't let up on it, but I think he let up on it when it popped. | ||
| He said he let up on it, and I believe him. | ||
| And then he got submitted. | ||
| Yep, he got Kimura'd. | ||
| John Kimura'd him. | ||
| I mean, after his arm got all fucked up. | ||
| So his right arm's all blown out, and he still uses it to Kimura him later on in the fight. | ||
| And then he's fucked up for a while after that fight. | ||
| That was one of the reasons why he coached The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Well, Chael said he just wasn't training. | ||
| He'd walk by and Chael would be training twice a day, all full of sweat, and John would walk by crisp as clean, just nice and showered. | ||
| He's like, what is he training? | ||
| Maybe he wasn't. | ||
| He wasn't. | ||
| He wasn't. | ||
| Yeah, Chael said that's when he realized that he's just not as good as John. | ||
| He said he got in there. | ||
| Yeah, he said 30 seconds in, he goes, I wanted to get out of that ring so fast. | ||
| He goes, I just couldn't believe how strong he was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| John Jones is no goddamn joke. | ||
| No. | ||
| Now think about him and then think about what Anthony Rumble Johnson versus him is going to be like. | ||
| Like that's going to be the most chaotic goddamn fight. | ||
|
unidentified
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Insane. | |
| That's my number one fight all time. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| All time? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Dang. | ||
| That really escalated. | ||
| You think why? | ||
| Because he's got such knockout power and if John makes a mistake? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And because I've been thinking about it. | ||
| I've been thinking about all the great matchups. | ||
| There's been some great matchups, you know, for sure. | ||
| Like BJ Penn versus George St. Pierre when it first happened. | ||
| God damn, that was a big build-up. | ||
| Big matchup. | ||
| Chuck Liddell vs. | ||
|
unidentified
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Tito. | |
| But those, I had a pretty good sense of what was going to happen. | ||
| I had a pretty good sense that GSP was too big. | ||
| I think GSP was too big. | ||
| He was too hot. | ||
| His wrestling was too good. | ||
| And I knew that BJ just didn't... | ||
| That was before the Marinovichs. | ||
| He didn't have that work ethic that he had. | ||
| For a very short period of time, when BJ was in just insane shape, like the Sean Shirk fight, he was in insane shape. | ||
| That was actually before that. | ||
| But he was in insane shape for that fight. | ||
| The Diego Sanchez fight, he was a destroyer. | ||
| Kenny Floyd, yeah. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| There was a couple other fights that he had. | ||
| One, he was in the best shape ever as a lightweight. | ||
| You know, but when he fought George, I was like, George is just too big. | ||
| This is just not the right fight. | ||
| So this is, for you, this is the biggest fight ever. | ||
| To me, this is the one where I don't know what the fuck... | ||
| First of all, I think John is the greatest light heavyweight champ of all time. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Yes, I agree. | ||
| And I think he's also still growing and getting better. | ||
| That's what's scary. | ||
| Spectacular talent. | ||
| Because he just moved his entire... | ||
| Camp to Albuquerque because he used to live in New York. | ||
| Now he bought a place in Albuquerque and he's training full time now. | ||
| He was just going to Albuquerque for camps. | ||
|
unidentified
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Huh? | |
| Think how crazy that's going to be. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible. | ||
| The question becomes after he beats Anthony Rumble Johnson. | ||
| Kane. | ||
| That's where he's going to go, right? | ||
| The question is if. | ||
| It's not after. | ||
| Because I don't know what the fuck is going to happen when Anthony Rumble Johnson puts mitts on you. | ||
| I don't know who's going to be able to withstand that. | ||
| See, the problem is John is so much longer, and the reach is a factor. | ||
| Listen, I thought Glover was going to be an issue for him boxing. | ||
| Offered nothing. | ||
| Because of that length, it's tough to deal with, man. | ||
| Glover is very good. | ||
| I think Glover is like at a possible stand-up challengers. | ||
| When I was looking at him coming in against John, I was like, he's got really heavy hands. | ||
| Especially at the time. | ||
| Especially at the time. | ||
| Well, he took a step back. | ||
| He's not training with... | ||
| He wasn't training with Hackleman for this last fight. | ||
| He did it all in Connecticut. | ||
| Yeah, in his own camp. | ||
| Yeah, he had his own camp that he did down there. | ||
| A lot of people thought maybe he wasn't prepared as well. | ||
| When he fought John, though, there was a ton of hype in the UFC. I'm like, this is the guy. | ||
| Chuck Liddell signed off on it. | ||
| Dana White. | ||
| I felt like it. | ||
| I feel like guys are as good as they are in their best performances. | ||
| If you look at him, his best performance, he gets clipped by Ryan Bader and seconds later he puts Bader away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you look at the way he beat up Kyle Kingsbury. | ||
| That was a scary goddamn fight. | ||
| The Kyle Kingsbury fight was scary. | ||
| He just came out and he shows you what the fuck he could do. | ||
| True. | ||
| And you're like, whoa. | ||
| And you know that Kyle Kingsbury, who's a very good athlete and a really cool guy, wasn't at the best of the best. | ||
| He wasn't at that level, right? | ||
| You know, he was dominated by... | ||
| Pat Cummins. | ||
| Pat Cummins recently. | ||
| Recently, yeah. | ||
| So, you know, there's levels. | ||
| And then, you know, Rumble Johnson has bad times at 170, but you've got to think that a lot of that had to do with him starving himself. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| And when you're looking at him as a light heavyweight, you know, the way he fucking destroyed Nogueira, I was just like, Jesus. | ||
| And then taking out Gustafson like that in the first round. | ||
| Although I wonder, because he did headbutt Gustafson and Gustafson fell to his knees. | ||
| It makes you wonder at that point, because... | ||
| I mean, Gustav's still a killer. | ||
| And I don't know. | ||
| We just didn't get a chance to really see it. | ||
| Definitely a factor. | ||
| But it should be a factor for both men, right? | ||
| I mean, they're hitting each other with their heads. | ||
| But I feel like every time John has a new opponent, it's like, oh, this is it. | ||
| This is the one. | ||
| Look at DC. I legitimately thought DC was probably going to beat him in a decision. | ||
| Three to two. | ||
| I thought he had the perfect setup, the perfect pedigree to beat John Jones. | ||
| And then, I mean, John destroyed. | ||
| He picked him up by the hips. | ||
| It really wasn't that close of a fight. | ||
| So then now it's like, oh, here's Anthony Johnson. | ||
| And I love Anthony. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| But I feel like we go through this every time. | ||
| Well, we do. | ||
| Until he fights Kane, I think once he does, and that's going to happen, I bet. | ||
| When he fights Kane, now we're talking. | ||
| Well, I think Kane has to stay healthy. | ||
| I think he beats Kane. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He might. | ||
| You never know, man. | ||
| Look, he might very well beat Johnson. | ||
| It might be very well one of those things you look back on it in hindsight. | ||
| And you say, well, you know, maybe I should have figured that this could have happened or that John would have an advantage here. | ||
| But... | ||
| Dude, when I watch that dude lay mitts on people, I'm telling you. | ||
| He's the hardest hitter at 205. Hands down. | ||
| A lot of shit can happen when that guy's hitting you. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I don't think that John Jones is hearing a peep out of him wrestling-wise, though. | ||
| I think John Jones will dominate. | ||
| I mean, if he grabs him, holds on to him, he seems to dominate everybody. | ||
| This is why you should shut the fuck up. | ||
| Did you see him fight Phil Davis? | ||
| The sprawls he hit Phil Davis with, ferocious sprawls. | ||
|
unidentified
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Did you see what he did to a two-time Olympian? | |
| Phil Davis is a very high-level wrestler. | ||
| Not like Daniel Cormier. | ||
| Daniel Cormier is a two-time Olympian. | ||
| That's true, but fitness-wise. | ||
| Sure, but Jones literally, I couldn't believe, he picked him up by the hips. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Dumped him. | ||
| Dumped him again. | ||
| Just out-wrestled him. | ||
| And Cormier said, this guy is so much bigger than you think when he's hanging on you. | ||
| Whether it's leverage or whatever. | ||
| And Daniel Cormier is a guy who picks up heavyweights and throws them on their head like, what's his name? | ||
| Josh Barnett. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| Look, Cormier wasn't a good matchup for him. | ||
| Jon figured out right away that he could take him down. | ||
| Once he took him down in the first round, I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, once that happened with the other guy. | ||
| Yeah, holy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jesus. | |
| Yeah, that's a goddamn wake-up problem. | ||
| All anybody who knew a lot about wrestling said is, there's no question that Jones is going to be on his back when Cormier grabs him. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| When you got a guy who's super fucking talented and his big derailment is a family. | ||
| I mean, that's what happened. | ||
| He had a kid and then we got out of competitive wrestling because he had to feed his family. | ||
| But if he had gone on... | ||
|
unidentified
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What I'm seeing out of this guy, like, wrestling with people, he would have been a very... | |
| He was a JUCO national champion. | ||
| JUCO national champion. | ||
| Which is no punk, man. | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| What is JUCO? Junior college national champion. | ||
| But I think, like, he would have given people fits as a wrestler. | ||
| I mean, anybody in the world, he would have given them fits. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think it would have all been dedicated, or how much time he dedicated to it, how much energy he did. | ||
| But if he was in a situation where he could train 100% enough to support his family, he would have been a seriously world-class amateur wrestler. | ||
| If not the best, especially in his weight class. | ||
| You look at what he's doing in the UFC. If he decided to focus on wrestling, he would be the best. | ||
| He's a fucking stud. | ||
| With his mentality, man. | ||
| And then, you know, you look at what Johnson's been able to do when he hits people, man. | ||
| John doesn't do that. | ||
| There's a difference between the way John hits people. | ||
| John fucks people up, make no mistake about it. | ||
| John's fought tougher guys, though. | ||
| Fuck yeah, he has. | ||
| At 205. 100% he has. | ||
| John's fought everybody. | ||
| Jon fought everyone. | ||
| Jon fights a little nog. | ||
| It's not going to be pretty. | ||
| No, it'll be ugly as fuck, especially now. | ||
| He'll be so confident coming into it now. | ||
| But, you know, if you fought him back when Noguera gave, like, let's think about his best performance in the Octagon. | ||
|
unidentified
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Brills? | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Brills. | ||
| Rashad? | ||
| Rashad was a good one. | ||
| Rashad was a good one because he shut him down with his boxing. | ||
| And Rashad was tentative, afraid to commit. | ||
| People don't realize Little Nog was a national champion in Brazil. | ||
| He medaled as an amateur boxer. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, he medaled in like the Pan Am games or something like that. | ||
| No, he's legit. | ||
| Super legit, Boston. | ||
| But Rumble at that stage, like Rumble's coming up, Little Nog is getting older. | ||
| I was in the dressing room while Little Nog was warm up because I was corning Pat Cummings against Kingsbury in Sacramento, I think. | ||
| San Francisco. | ||
| Anyways, Little Nog was warming up and I'm telling you, man, I was like, oh no. | ||
| Someone should stop him from going out there. | ||
| He couldn't even hit the mitts. | ||
| He couldn't hit the mitts. | ||
| He was so stiff. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He just sat there until Burt said his name and then he started going. | ||
| A lot of those guys, by the time they get to a certain age, their bodies have gone through so much trauma, so much physical trauma, so much damage, so many kicks, so many punches, so many takedowns. | ||
| There's just micro injuries everywhere. | ||
| And they're not that old. | ||
| No. | ||
| Him and his brother are not that old. | ||
| They had ferocious, especially his brother, had ferocious wars. | ||
| Brother, that fight with Bob Sapp. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He was never the same after that fight. | ||
| His neck was always fucked up after that fight. | ||
| If you watch that fight, it's hard to believe he got through that. | ||
|
unidentified
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I know. | |
| He got pile-drived by a 300-plus pound gigantic super athlete. | ||
| They offered him the fight again. | ||
| He was like, no, I beat him. | ||
| Again? | ||
| Yeah, and he was like, it doesn't make sense. | ||
| I'd never fight a guy that big again. | ||
| He'd break his back, man. | ||
| He could have broken his back. | ||
| Dude, he pile-drived him. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Just an all-natural Bob Sapp. | ||
| Just fresh off those ears. | ||
| Are you being sarcastic? | ||
| Dude, you're gonna get us written up in MMA magazines again. | ||
| This would be the number one story. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Brendan Schaub says Bob Sapp was on steroids. | ||
| That's an outrage? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| This is outrageous. | ||
| I should probably address this Fedor thing because people keep bringing it up. | ||
| First of all, I think it's weird that every time we have a podcast and we just talk shit, it becomes like stories. | ||
| We get in trouble. | ||
| Yeah, it's hilarious. | ||
| They're stories. | ||
| And one of them was that I said that it was highly possible that Fedor could have been on performance-enhancing drugs. | ||
| I'm not saying that because he was cheating and everybody else wasn't. | ||
| When I say that, I'm just saying it only based on the environment that guy was competing in. | ||
| Where you looked at the contracts and said specifically, we do not test for steroids. | ||
| Does that mean that anybody's on steroids? | ||
| No, it absolutely doesn't mean it. | ||
| But it doesn't mean the possibility is there. | ||
| If Fedor comes out and he says, I never took steroids, this is a fact, I have no reason to disbelieve him. | ||
| But we look at the environment that that guy was competing in, and there's no doubt about it. | ||
| We just brought up Bob Sapp. | ||
| He's the major one. | ||
| He's the number one major one. | ||
| There's the best evidence you ever need that no one's testing anybody. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Not even a human. | ||
| 375. 375 with abs. | ||
| 6% body fat or something like that. | ||
| Ridiculous, silly jack. | ||
| Beat Ernesto Hoos that way. | ||
| One of the greatest kickboxers of all time. | ||
| Those uppercuts jumping in the air. | ||
| Just smashing with muscle and just test and D-ball and whatever the fuck else was in his veins. | ||
| It's like, there was a lot of guys that were doing stuff back then. | ||
| If you talk to the people that competed, even people that are clean, they'll tell you, man, I saw dudes that I know for a fact were doing shit. | ||
| I know a good percentage of what we're doing. | ||
| It might not have been Fedor. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's very possible. | |
| Yeah, but it's not crazy to assume that. | ||
| It's not ridiculous to assume that. | ||
| So, first of all, the big important point, it wasn't even cheating. | ||
| It's only cheating by our laws. | ||
| We're calling cheating by United States laws. | ||
| They didn't even have it in their contract. | ||
| Like, it said in the contract, we're not going to test for steroids. | ||
| They're telling you you can do whatever you want. | ||
| Which basically says, yeah. | ||
| So it's like, let's put it in perspective with this whole Tour de France thing. | ||
| The big argument, Bill Burr had a hilarious segment on Conan talking about it, is like, everybody was on Juice. | ||
| That it's a dirty sport. | ||
| That our psychopaths beat your psychopaths. | ||
| But everyone's cheating. | ||
| And he's right. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| If everyone just admitted what they were doing, then we would just be able to deal with it on the fact, well, to do that bike race, you need to have all this shit in your system. | ||
| That's the only way these guys could do it. | ||
| We could tell kids that. | ||
| Don't feel inadequate next to this fuck guy. | ||
| He's got scientists working for him. | ||
| Because this fuck guy's got EPO in his veins, and we should tell people this is the only way they can do this and compete. | ||
| But we make sure that their levels don't get above a safe amount, and then you let them compete that way. | ||
| There's a lot of people that feel like that. | ||
| You have such a dirty sport. | ||
| Whereas when Armstrong had to give his shit back, and they'd go back to people. | ||
|
unidentified
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15th place. | |
| Yeah, it was like 15th place, the guy who didn't test positive for something. | ||
| So it's basically a level playing field. | ||
| It's basically a level playing field. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They're all cheating. | ||
| It's just who's better at hiding than cheating? | ||
| Who's got a better team behind them? | ||
| I don't think that's necessarily the case with fighting. | ||
| Like I've said, I would bet a million dollars if BJ Penn never took shit. | ||
| I bet a million dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
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I agree. | |
| He's the guy. | ||
| There's a lot of other guys I think if they got injured, like this is Anderson's thing. | ||
| He's saying that he took it because he was injured and he was trying to heal his leg. | ||
| You still can't do it because it's illegal. | ||
| Like, you can't. | ||
| It's not in the rules because, first of all, they've shown that if you do take it, I believe that you're only taking it to heal your leg. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But if you allow people that sort of loophole, there's certain steroids that you can take that they alter your body permanently. | ||
| Like you're gonna take steroids that they've done tests on these and it might be a small amount and that small amount might be Not even close to like the advantage that someone like has John like John Jones has over someone like Eddie Brill You know what I mean? | ||
| Like just insane genetics, insane athleticism Like even if you do take steroids and you keep a little bit of it, bitch, you're still not as... | ||
| He's naturally stronger than you. | ||
| Like you're fucksville with nothing. | ||
| With no drugs, he's way stronger than you. | ||
| So you're fucked. | ||
| But you can't let that be something that everybody does. | ||
| Because you'd have to define what an injury is now. | ||
| Suddenly people would all have injuries. | ||
| Well, not only that, people would do it in the offseason and put on crazy strength. | ||
| And Americans would hate you. | ||
| The world would hate the sport if they knew everyone was We're cheating and roided to the gills. | ||
| It's just not pure. | ||
| People won't assume their heroes and the guys they see on TV, or gals, are supplement-free. | ||
| Yeah, and if we got to a point where everyone is doing... | ||
| It's all obvious they do it. | ||
| It's listed in their stats. | ||
| He takes 15 milliliters of this fucking chemical. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Dioxymacathate. | ||
| And he tells the whole stack that he's on. | ||
| And it's all about getting the right stack. | ||
| But it raises a very important question, which is, as we are pushing way beyond our biology, and it's becoming exponential, and so you're going to have high school kids, like Ray Kurzweil says, who can inject themselves with tiny little robots, like red blood cells, that basically oxygenate your blood. | ||
| They can sprint for an hour. | ||
| Robots. | ||
| Brian told me the other day that they have technology to create bulletproof flying dragons. | ||
| No, I was just saying synthetic biology. | ||
| They probably do. | ||
| We're all fucked, man. | ||
| I mean, we're probably 100 years away from them being able to create organisms. | ||
| Whatever you can come up with. | ||
| Craig Venter says 25 years. | ||
| He's probably smarter than me, so I'll go with what that guy says. | ||
| The point is that you're getting to a point where biology and technology is just getting to a... | ||
| How do you deny it? | ||
| You're going to gene dope and do all this stuff. | ||
| So then what does that mean? | ||
| When you're competing against another guy, is it actually like race cars? | ||
| Race cars have a whole team of mechanics that work on that engine. | ||
| But like race cars, you have a very specific amount of cubic inches you're allowed to have. | ||
|
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|
That's true. | |
| There's a limit to it. | ||
| There's a limit to horsepower. | ||
| That's very true. | ||
| So it's all about the skill of the driver. | ||
| Like the sophistication of the team that puts it together. | ||
| I mean, they have to adjust the suspension, calibrate the dampers, make sure that everything's correct as far as the weight balance and all this other jazz, and they build a solid engine. | ||
| But the engine has to be like, you know, whatever it is, 500 horsepower. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| And here's a little news flash for you. | ||
| If every girl in the division at 135 took steroids, they're still not beating Ronda. | ||
| You could be juiced to the gills and you're not beating Ronda. | ||
| Guys at 205, juice all you want. | ||
| You're not beating Jon Jones. | ||
| It's just not going to happen, man. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Isn't that strange? | ||
| There's guys that, and by the way, that might have been Fedor. | ||
| It's very possible. | ||
| True. | ||
| And when I say this, I have a few all-time favorite fighters. | ||
| Brendan Schaub, of course, because he's my friend. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You never saw me do time. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, I did some video, I guess. | ||
| Okay, we'll show you. | ||
| We'll get to that. | ||
| But the top two, there's maybe like three or four that are interchangeable. | ||
| And one of them is Vandalay, just because every fight was chaos. | ||
| I'll be a Vandalay Silva fan to the day I died. | ||
| That motherfucker was a maniac. | ||
| In Pride, when he fought Rampage, and he's standing in front of him, like bobbing his head back and forth, a fucking stare down. | ||
| Do this fucking thing. | ||
| Axe murder. | ||
| The wiggle, the gloves. | ||
| Dude, I can very clearly remember Eddie Bravo and I sitting in my living room, cross-legged on the couch, hands sweaty, when Vandelay was about to fight Rampage. | ||
| It was a fight, son, man. | ||
| It was a fucking war! | ||
| Couple of balls of estrogen. | ||
| It was war! | ||
| Goddamn, he was good. | ||
| Goddamn, he was chaotic. | ||
| He was just so ferocious. | ||
| So he will always have a special place in my heart. | ||
| But then when it comes to technicians, there's two guys that are interchangeable. | ||
| It's Anderson and Fedor. | ||
| Those are my two favorite technicians. | ||
| Anderson fell out of my top because of the steroids. | ||
| I give him a break. | ||
| You give him a break. | ||
| I give him a break on his past performances. | ||
| I give him a break on the spectacular knockouts like the Vitor Belfort front kick to the face, choking out Dan Henderson when Dan was dropping bombs out people. | ||
| I give him a break. | ||
| You know, before his chin went. | ||
| Before the Weidman fight, when Weidman caught him, Weidman fucking hurt him, dude. | ||
| He hurt him bad. | ||
| And if you watch that second fight, it just does not look like he takes the same punch that he did in the first fight. | ||
| During the clinch, he gets clipped and he goes down. | ||
| And I look at him, I go, man, here's a guy who's struggling. | ||
| Like, this is the end of the career. | ||
| He's 39. This is how we look at athletes. | ||
| You know, I mean, there's the reality, if you're gonna be natural, there's the reality of athletes. | ||
| They get to a certain point, especially after a few knockouts, and they're 39 years old. | ||
| Like, that's what you're looking at, man. | ||
| You're looking at the deterioration of the master. | ||
| And at one point in time, Anderson was the fucking master, to say anything else. | ||
| The best I've ever seen. | ||
|
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Just ridiculous. | |
| He's the best. | ||
| Finished everybody. | ||
| As far as performances, I look at the way he put guys away too, like the Stefan Bonner fight. | ||
| Like, Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| He did it like he's a magician. | ||
| He's standing with his back up against a cage. | ||
| Waved him over. | ||
| Waved him over. | ||
| And then when he decides it's time to attack, crushes him with one knee to the solar plexus. | ||
| Imagine the confidence you have to have to do that. | ||
| Bonner's huge too. | ||
| Bonner's 6'4", 235. Was on Juice. | ||
| Bonner tested positive. | ||
| Yeah, he tested positive. | ||
| I mean, obviously Bonner's not the best example. | ||
| I mean, he's not the best fighter that Anderson, no disrespect, he's not the best fighter that Anderson's faced. | ||
| But you look at what he did to Rich Franklin. | ||
| Rich Franklin's a tough motherfucker, man. | ||
| Look at Rich Franklin with Chuck Liddell. | ||
| How about Forrest Griffith? | ||
| But do you think the Rich Franklin that fought Chuck Liddell was better than the Rich Franklin that fought Anderson? | ||
| Because I don't. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| No. | ||
| So the Anderson that fought Rich Franklin, he fought the best Rich Franklin ever and just ran through him. | ||
| Stood in front of him, dropped his hands, and let him throw kicks at him. | ||
| In a fucking championship fight! | ||
|
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In a world championship fight, his hands are down, the guy's throwing kicks at his head. | |
| And he's bobbing and weaving like it's not even happening. | ||
| So you got Anderson over Fedor. | ||
| I got Anderson overall. | ||
| I have Anderson over everyone. | ||
| Always. | ||
| He's your favorite. | ||
| He's my number one. | ||
| Anderson's my favorite. | ||
| Has to be. | ||
| He doesn't have to be. | ||
| Who's your favorite? | ||
| Well, this is just my opinion. | ||
| This is my opinion. | ||
| And in that mix, in that mix of those great guys is Anderson and in Fedor. | ||
| I say Anderson overall, but I've had some fantastic enjoyment watching Fedor fights. | ||
| Like what I'm saying and what I said about it being Possible that someone might have done performance enhancing drugs. | ||
| It's not an accusation I'm just highlighting the reality of the environment that they were competing in That's it as far as my respect for him as an athlete as a fighter. | ||
| I'm a huge huge fan of that guy. | ||
| I've always been a huge fan There's a video of me on YouTube with that huge UFC hated because I was talking about what a bad motherfucker He is this what he's fighting for the other organization It's a highlight video of me just ranting about what a bad motherfucker he is. | ||
| Like, I've always thought he was amazing. | ||
|
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But I have to be honest. | |
| I'm honest about everything. | ||
| And even if it could be possibly perceived to be disrespectful, it's not my intention. | ||
| My intention is to look at the reality. | ||
| I don't know whether or not someone took a performance-enhancing drug. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I could take a wild guess. | ||
| But it's all bullshit. | ||
| Unless I see it or unless we know for sure because someone tested positive. | ||
| Or his traps are ridiculously large. | ||
| Well, even then. | ||
| There's some dudes that are just built a certain way. | ||
| To assume that, though, it's not crazy. | ||
| No one should write a story about you assuming that. | ||
|
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|
Exactly. | |
| That's like assuming I'm the only one that tans in here. | ||
| I'm brown as shit. | ||
| You guys are white. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's not ridiculous to assume I tan. | ||
| You know Dimitri. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dimitri's Ukrainian. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And he's built like a brick fucking shithouse. | ||
|
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He really is. | |
| This dude and I have been friends since we were like 15. We competed together. | ||
| We were in the same taekwondo team. | ||
| We tried. | ||
| He was the heavyweight. | ||
| I sparted that dude all the time. | ||
| You probably know him, Brian. | ||
| You're on the same I didn't I couldn't actually I like missed a national tournament once because he kicked my shin and snapped my fucking not the tibia the fit which the fibula or the tibia tibia is the fat one the fibula yeah the painful one he was a he's a my point is he's a stone that motherfucker never did anything I know he never did anything we're friends we're friends back when he's competing I mean they didn't test anybody back then like they tested you if you got to the Olympics in Taekwondo you would know I don't know if he was on something. | ||
| He wasn't on shit. | ||
| I know he wasn't on shit. | ||
|
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But if you looked at him, you would have got guys juicing the tits. | |
| You can't do that. | ||
| And I wish the public could meet certain athletes where it's like, no, these people are actually born different than you. | ||
| You meet Tim Tebow. | ||
| You see Tim, and it's just like, he won't take protein powder he's worried about. | ||
| Ronda Rousey, you hang out with Ronda? | ||
| No. | ||
| She does nothing. | ||
| And she's just built different than us. | ||
| She's just a freak. | ||
| Brock was at the UFC this weekend, and I shook his hands, and he picked me up in the air with a handshake. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| And I'm not bullshitting, dude. | ||
| He picked me up in the air with a fucking handshake. | ||
| I go, what's up, big man? | ||
| I clapped hands with him, and all of a sudden I was in the air. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Dude, I'm not fucking around. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| I mean, he kind of touched me with his left hand while he picked me up, but most of it was just him sack of potato in me. | ||
| Just a giant hand. | ||
| Just giant. | ||
| My hand disappeared. | ||
| It was like a laptop. | ||
| It was like shaking hands with a laptop. | ||
| That's like Shane Carlin who picked me up and started to squeeze me. | ||
| You were there. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I was tapping. | ||
| And he goes, I just hear in my ear, that's 20%, bro. | ||
| Dude, Shane. | ||
| He squeezed my body. | ||
| Shane, we'd be on his boat. | ||
| His hand's so big, we'd be on his boat. | ||
| And I'd be like, hey, Shane, you need any other berries? | ||
| He's like, I got one, brother. | ||
| Peel his hand back. | ||
| I'm like, damn, bro. | ||
| You can't fuck with that kind of genetics. | ||
| You just can't fuck with that kind of genetics. | ||
| It's just guys that are just too big. | ||
| And I wish people could hang around with athletes of this caliber. | ||
| It's like, no, I'm telling you, they're just built different. | ||
| No matter what you ever do, you're never going to be on the same plane. | ||
| Make sure ain't equal. | ||
| Mike Tyson in his prime. | ||
| I mean, just get the fuck out of here. | ||
| He didn't even do shit. | ||
| All he was doing was working out. | ||
| He was getting out. | ||
| I run at 530 in the morning because it's dark out and I always assume that my opponent's still sleeping and that gives me extra strength. | ||
| I feel confident. | ||
| He's fucking running. | ||
| Just fucking diesel. | ||
|
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|
Diesel, square-headed, destroying machine. | |
| Incredible. | ||
| Fast twitch muscle, fiber, and angst. | ||
| And finally in his life, he's become special after years of neglect. | ||
| And that special talent is knocking motherfuckers out. | ||
| And a hundred mil in the bank. | ||
| Can you imagine him in his heyday? | ||
| He had four hundred mil, I believe. | ||
| God, Jesus. | ||
| At one point, then lost it all. | ||
| Well, I don't think he all had it all at one point. | ||
|
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|
No. | |
| I don't think he had 400 million in the back. | ||
| I think that's like his total that he pissed away over his life. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He had tigers. | ||
| Charlie Murphy was on my podcast and told a story about Mike Tyson and a fucking tiger. | ||
| There's a video of it. | ||
| Pull the video of it. | ||
| Somebody made a video. | ||
| Find out who the video was made by. | ||
| Some fan did it. | ||
| He did an animation of Mike Tyson and his fucking tiger. | ||
| He's got tigers. | ||
| Charlie Murphy pulls up and no one wants to get out of the limousine. | ||
| They're all sitting there. | ||
|
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|
Mike Tyson's house. | |
| This is when his brother Eddie Murphy was fucking gigantic. | ||
| You know, he still is. | ||
| But when Charlie, people didn't know who Charlie was. | ||
| Charlie was hanging out with his brother, who was friends with Mike. | ||
| Are they close? | ||
| They're pretty close those two? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're close. | ||
| I ran into them just totally randomly in Maui. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was the coolest shit ever. | ||
|
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|
Both of them? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I was at the counter checking into a hotel, and his cousin Rich was there. | ||
| I was like, what's up, Rich? | ||
| What are you doing, man? | ||
| Because we went on that tour together, the Maxim-Condy tour. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He goes, oh, shit, man. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Charlie's here. | ||
| Eddie's here. | ||
| I go, no way. | ||
| So I went and hung out with Charlie, and I sat down with Eddie Murphy. | ||
| I was sitting down with Eddie Murphy having lunch. | ||
| Cool, dude. | ||
|
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|
It's pretty cool, man. | |
| Funny dude. | ||
| He's the nicest guy. | ||
| He's a good guy, man. | ||
| He's so nice. | ||
| Charlie's a stand-up guy, right? | ||
| Charlie is a fucking prince of a human being. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's a gem. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| That's good to hear, man. | ||
| He's such a good dude. | ||
| I hung out with that dude. | ||
| We did 22 shows together, and I liked him more every night. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's just a solid stand-up dude. | ||
| Charlie Murphy is a great guy. | ||
| Where are they from, those two? | ||
| New York. | ||
| Charlie Murphy's a legit martial artist, too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's a legit black belt in karate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he fought in, like, points tournaments and shit back in the day, but he's well immersed in martial arts. | ||
| Like, you talk to him about martial arts. | ||
| He just recently got pretty popular, right? | ||
| Well, not recently, but because of the Dave Chappelle show, he was on there. | ||
| But before then, it's like, oh, cool, Charlie Murphy. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I think his dad was a boxer, and Eddie Murphy works out. | ||
| He boxes. | ||
| I don't know if he spars. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah, but his dad was like, I don't think he was a pro, but I think his dad was pretty close. | ||
| Well, I don't know, but I know that Charlie's been doing martial arts since he was young. | ||
| We had some great conversations about it, but just about everything, man. | ||
| He's just one of those dudes that you listen to him, like you want to hear him talk. | ||
| He has great stories, man. | ||
| Could there be anyone bigger than Eddie Murphy at the time in his heyday? | ||
| Eddie Murphy was so big. | ||
| Yeah, that donkey on, what is it, is it Shrek? | ||
| I think he made, well, the movie made. | ||
| He's done a lot. | ||
| He's done a lot. | ||
| He's done fucking Shrek? | ||
| Coming to America? | ||
|
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|
The voice of Shrek? | |
| Are you a terrorist? | ||
| No, he's the Shrek. | ||
| He's the donkey. | ||
|
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|
Who are you? | |
| He's the donkey. | ||
| Were you living in Saudi Arabia when all this shit was going on? | ||
| No, I know who he is. | ||
| Coming to America? | ||
| You know who he is? | ||
| No, he's huge. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| I'm saying Shrek the donkey is where he made a ton. | ||
| He made $13 million in a day or something. | ||
| Yeah, I need to hit the brakes real quick. | ||
| Can you name me one of Eddie Murphy's stand-up comedy specials? | ||
| Raw, which I saw live. | ||
| You saw live? | ||
| You were in the audience? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| How'd you get tickets? | ||
| My friend bought them for us. | ||
| It was a surprise for her brother's birthday. | ||
| God. | ||
| And it was incredible. | ||
| Greg Belasco and his sister Amy. | ||
| And we went there, and I was so... | ||
| I was probably, what, 18, 19? | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| And he comes out in his leather suit. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And these are seminal moments, because you could see him on the screen, too, and his acting and the things he did. | ||
| It was shocking how good he was. | ||
| Shocking. | ||
| And they were all going crazy, and he went to one side of the room, and he put his hand to his ear, then the next hand to his ear, and I was just like, well, that's the coolest dude on the planet. | ||
| And the idea that I do that in a small way that I'm a comic is still incredible to me. | ||
| Yeah, but for sure his highlight of his career is not Shrek being the donkey. | ||
|
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|
No, no. | |
| How dare you. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| You didn't let me finish. | ||
| What I was saying was they were talking about how much he made for Universal. | ||
| But you definitely fucked up, right? | ||
|
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|
No, man. | |
| Guys, hold on. | ||
| You went with Shrek and you don't think you fucked up? | ||
| Guys, hold on. | ||
| I'm sure you made a lot of money, but guess what? | ||
| He was already rich as fuck. | ||
| If a guy like Eddie Murphy... | ||
| What? | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| If a guy like Eddie Murphy... | ||
| Beverly had a dry spell for a while, though, didn't he? | ||
| Listen, dude, settle down. | ||
| What is dry spell? | ||
| What are you sitting back counting? | ||
| You found out how much money he had. | ||
| He got done. | ||
| He probably counted about $1,000 a day, and he got bored after a while. | ||
| And then he said, ah, let me start doing movies again. | ||
| And he did that movie with Steve Martin. | ||
| Everybody goes, oh, shit. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| Eddie Murphy's one of the funniest guys ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| And Brian's like, the donkey. | ||
| What'd you say, Jamie? | ||
| A little Yeah, Dr. Doolittle? | ||
| No, no, the donkey. | ||
| Those are like little kids movies. | ||
| I gotta go back to like trading places. | ||
| You know? | ||
| 48 Hours? | ||
| 48 Hours. | ||
| Yeah, 48 Hours is the big one, right? | ||
| Beverly Hills Cop is huge. | ||
|
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|
Beverly Hills Cop. | |
| One, two, three, son. | ||
| But Nick Nolte? | ||
| Come on, him and Nick Nolte. | ||
| You fucking said Shrek, man. | ||
| You said Shrek! | ||
| You didn't let me finish! | ||
| No, you said a cartoon voice. | ||
| It wasn't even him. | ||
| I was saying, he effortlessly made some insane amount of money just being a donkey. | ||
| I'm telling you, he got $13 million. | ||
| He didn't need it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That 13 million, it was chic. | ||
| It went in a pile somewhere. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He doesn't even feel that. | ||
| Have you seen his girl lately? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you seen his girl lately? | ||
| She's the best looking woman on the planet. | ||
|
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|
I'm sure. | |
| He's still beautiful. | ||
| I saw him at the beach. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| He doesn't look like whatever old he is. | ||
|
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|
He's older than me. | |
| But I look older than him, probably. | ||
| He is also a germaphobe. | ||
| He'll use a bar of soap once, throw it away. | ||
| Well, he's just rich. | ||
| Charlie does that with sneakers. | ||
| Charlie gets sneakers, they're in a box before a show, puts them on, throws those bitches to the side. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not even rich. | ||
| I only wear socks once, son. | ||
| I'm not rich. | ||
| I don't wear socks twice. | ||
| Play the video of Charlie at Mike Tyson's house, because this is how fucking goddamn funny Charlie Murphy is. | ||
| I bet he has such good stories. | ||
| Oh, he's a gem. | ||
| I've never seen that Tyson documentary. | ||
| Is it just called Tyson? | ||
| What is it called? | ||
|
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|
I think it's extremely powerful. | |
| You see a man cry. | ||
| It is fucking incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cry when he reflects on parts of his life. | |
| A strong man like that. | ||
| You have to realize that whatever was on him was no joke. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible. | ||
|
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|
That's a man who one time I went to his house. | |
| And it was six limos and nobody would get out the limo. | ||
| And I said, how come nobody's getting out the car? | ||
| They said, you don't see that line standing over there? | ||
| Mike Tyson had a line in his front yard. | ||
| Like hangover style. | ||
| That's the only man in his house I ever went over. | ||
| There was a line in the front yard, loose. | ||
| He was on the steps like this with a heavyweight belt. | ||
| I was like, no, man, no, that's not a cat. | ||
| That's a lion. | ||
| That's fucking real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mike Tyson had a lion. | |
| A male lion or a female lion? | ||
|
unidentified
|
With a mane, a lion in his front yard. | |
| Loose. | ||
| It was off the leash, man. | ||
| It was not in the cage. | ||
| It was in the yard. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
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|
Then he came out and started wrestling with him. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Damn, he wrestled? | ||
| How big was the lion? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was big, man. | |
| It was a lion, man. | ||
| He was wrestling with a lion. | ||
|
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|
Came over there and grabbed him and started tussling with him and all. | |
| Jesus. | ||
| And everybody was in the limousine. | ||
| So the lion could come up to a limousine and bust the window open and come in there. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| He could just go like this booth and come right in there. | ||
| So everybody was in the car. | ||
| He couldn't back out because it was all like five limos. | ||
| So everybody's in the car horrified, thinking that Mike's getting ready to be eaten. | ||
| He plays with him and he takes him in the back and comes back out and I was like, you know what? | ||
| I'm never going to be around another man in life that's going to do that in front of you. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Who's the animation? | ||
| That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. | ||
| Slain at Telepathoid. | ||
| That's the dude who put it together. | ||
| Walking the lion back. | ||
| S-L-A-I-N at, what is it again? | ||
| I just want to give this guy's credit. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What did it say at the very end there? | ||
| I just want to give the guy because it's really cool. | ||
| It's funny animation too. | ||
| Telepathoid? | ||
| So slain at telepathoid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Thanks, buddy. | ||
| Thanks for making that. | ||
| But yeah, how funny is he? | ||
| I said, boof. | ||
|
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|
Boof. | |
| I've never heard anybody use that expression. | ||
|
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|
A lion. | |
| I'll be a lion. | ||
|
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|
Heavyweight belt. | |
| Heavyweight belt. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| It's the first time I've never seen something like this again in my life. | ||
| Imagine seeing him sitting there with a heavyweight belt. | ||
| Imagine the experiences Mike Tyson had in his heyday and Eddie Murphy had in his heyday. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Yeah, excess. | ||
| Insanity. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That kind of celebrity brings out the aphrodisiac. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
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|
Oops. | |
| There's so many crazy fucking dudes in this world that have competed in MMA. So many crazy dudes that have fought in boxing. | ||
| They're a whole life story. | ||
| If you had to, like, accumulate the wildness of, like, a Roberto Duran's life story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Johnny Tapia? | ||
| You ever seen the Johnny Tapia series? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Watch the documentary on Johnny Tapia. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's insane. | |
| Mirita loca. | ||
| Drug addict, fight world champion. | ||
| Aaron Pryor, same thing, just below. | ||
| So many of these great fighters, just crazy wild lives, so much nuts, chaos. | ||
| Lending sometimes like Arturo Gatti getting shot and killed. | ||
| No, he strangled his fucking girl. | ||
| His girl killed him. | ||
| He got off in Brazil. | ||
| It was all in Brazil. | ||
| Set him up for the insurance, right? | ||
| Apparently he was hit on the head and choked. | ||
| Yeah, and they're saying he did it to himself. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| His family thinks she fucking killed him. | ||
| They got a picture of her getting out of jail. | ||
| She's laughing and smiling. | ||
| That's not how you feel. | ||
| If that is really your husband and you miss him and he's gone, first of all, you feel horrible that someone put you in jail for that when you miss him so much and killed himself. | ||
| And second of all, when you come out, you're not smiling. | ||
| It's like a celebration for her. | ||
| Yeah, this ain't a celebration. | ||
| You're still depressed because your husband's dead, because he killed himself, and you were just accused of doing it, and people still suspect you of it. | ||
| You should be depressed. | ||
| You should feel terrible. | ||
| You should feel terrible that the whole world is calling bullshit on you and saying that you killed him. | ||
| You should be under pressure. | ||
| She doesn't look like she's under pressure at all. | ||
| I saw a statistic today that said in Mexico, if you commit a murder, there's less than 5% chance that you'll do any jail time. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| How insane is that? | ||
| The people doing the murder are a lot of times so well connected. | ||
| You're talking about cartel violence now. | ||
| Where the cops are involved and everything. | ||
| That's why I keep my ass in America. | ||
| Yeah, you know what, man? | ||
| I have a real terrible feeling about the way our world is connected with these borders of countries. | ||
| We won't let people in and we keep people out. | ||
| In some sense, I kind of understand what people are trying to do, trying to manage what we can with our own space. | ||
| But if you're not managing your fucking next door neighbor, if you're not helping... | ||
| Say if you live next to a crazy broken down trailer and you can't move. | ||
| You have a permanent house. | ||
| This is your neighbor, man. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to help them out? | ||
| You know, his kids need some food. | ||
| Maybe he needs a little money for gas. | ||
| Like, yeah, you're doing a lot better than him. | ||
| Just give him a little every now and then just to sue this motherfucker's life. | ||
| Just sue this motherfucker's shitty life. | ||
| Mexico's issue is not that. | ||
| Mexico's issue, though, is institutions and the integrity of those institutions. | ||
| Professor Callan, at it again. | ||
| It's really true, though. | ||
| Okay, but I was making a point, you fuck. | ||
| No, but what I was trying to say is, these people, they shouldn't be like another country. | ||
| They're right there. | ||
| They should be people that we consider, you know, to be in a bad situation and try to help them. | ||
| Whether it's help them politically, help them financially. | ||
| Yeah, they're struggling, man. | ||
| But the idea that we're just, we're separate from them. | ||
| Like, there should be like a lot of emphasis on trying to fix Mexico. | ||
| And a less emphasis on fucking with countries that are on the other side of the planet. | ||
| Well, you want to fix illegalized marijuana overall in the United States, because the cartel drug war is what's feeding all this chaos. | ||
| That's a big part of it. | ||
| That's a big part of it, for sure. | ||
| And there's a big part of it is probably going to be a lot of the corruption that you're seeing. | ||
| Probably a lot of that's going to go away when things become more and more transparent because of the internet. | ||
| It's going to be harder and harder for people to pull off the kind of shit they're doing in Russia right now, where you see Putin's number one enemy just got whacked. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Shot right in the public. | ||
| Dude! | ||
| With his hot, hot girlfriend. | ||
| Good lord! | ||
| Really? | ||
| Good lord, sir! | ||
| Good lord! | ||
| Lord have mercy! | ||
| And he's got this smoking Russian girlfriend. | ||
| She's 23. He's been with her for three years. | ||
| Hello. | ||
| So it's love. | ||
| So he's walking down. | ||
| It's totally love. | ||
| They're very compatible. | ||
| He's walking down the street with her and a fucking car pulls up and just unloads on him. | ||
| Kills her too or no? | ||
| I think no. | ||
| Didn't even shoot her. | ||
| I think more than one guy shot her. | ||
| Shot him rather. | ||
| It was a hit. | ||
| And she's just standing there while they just shoot him in front of her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like bang, bang, bang, bang. | |
| That's horrifying. | ||
| The dude's dead. | ||
| And now they just let her leave and go back to her country. | ||
| They allowed her to leave. | ||
| You think she cried or she's like, damn. | ||
| She's probably freaked out. | ||
| That's a terrible thing to see. | ||
| She's probably completely freaked out. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| You're dating this dude and he gets assassinated because... | ||
| She probably loved him. | ||
| He was a really charismatic, awesome guy. | ||
| He was all about reforms. | ||
| He was a big critic of the Gremlins. | ||
| I'm sure that's why she was with him. | ||
| Well, it's cultural. | ||
| Everybody's got a different way of looking at things. | ||
| Police question girlfriend. | ||
| What are you doing, Jimmy? | ||
| She is... | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's as crazy as I've ever seen. | ||
| It just hit red hot. | ||
| Murdered Putin critic. | ||
| That's the murdered Putin critic. | ||
| Imagine if that was your title after you're dead. | ||
| You're the murdered Putin critic. | ||
| Because that's all people are going to remember about that cat. | ||
| Well, on CNN, it's tough. | ||
| When I was doing the Ice Bucket Challenge, I did it benching 315 pounds, right? | ||
| You did the Ice Bucket Challenge while benching 315 pounds? | ||
| Yeah, and I had Calen pour the water on me. | ||
| And the only thing I was concerned with is, I said, if it slips, like it falls off and hits me in the neck and I die, will it be on CNN? Will it be like, guy tries Ice Bucket Challenge, dies? | ||
| That's the only thing I was worried about. | ||
| You're not going to die for 315 pounds. | ||
| Drop it on my face? | ||
| I'm not going to totally drop it. | ||
| Your arm's going to stop working. | ||
| Well, with the water, let's say it slips off. | ||
| Have you seen the USC football player? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen the guy. | ||
| It's not going to be good either way. | ||
| Yeah, that guy was benching some stupid amount of weight, like 600 plus pounds, right? | ||
| Wasn't he? | ||
| No, this dude, the homeboy had I think maybe 400, 300 something and it slipped because the way they would do it, they wouldn't wrap their fingers around the bar. | ||
| They're just like this. | ||
| Oh God. | ||
| And his arms failed and it fell? | ||
| It just slipped off. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And he died? | ||
| He takes it off the bar. | ||
| No, he's supposed to be a pretty high draft pick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fell on him. | ||
| Obviously he can't do anything. | ||
| He just jacked him up, man. | ||
| He can't talk anymore. | ||
| Broke his neck, trachea, everything. | ||
| Can't speak. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| I saw a different one. | ||
| I saw it was a white guy. | ||
| It was a power lifter dude. | ||
| Oh, I've seen that. | ||
| He was so fat that I think he's good. | ||
| Let's be real, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so fat, I think he's good. | |
| I think he's good. | ||
| There's an advantage to being that thick, man. | ||
| Well, a lot of guys get punched in the belly when they're fat, and the punch never even reaches them. | ||
| I mean, they've got fucking five inches of layer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| Like, if somebody punches you legitimately, if somebody... | ||
| Like, you could fuck somebody up with one of those Taekwondo body protectors on. | ||
| You know, I've seen people get kicked and go to the hospital to the body. | ||
| But if you're a fat guy, you're walking around through life with a Taekwondo... | ||
| You ain't dropping Roy Nelson with a liver shot. | ||
| I'll tell you that right now. | ||
| Roy's gonna laugh if you hit him to the body. | ||
| Yeah, well, especially to the front of the body. | ||
| Keep him to the front. | ||
| Roundhouse kicked that dude in the stomach and really fucked him up. | ||
| He's the biggest mystery to me. | ||
| He fights over him next. | ||
| That's a good fight, son. | ||
| That's in Dallas. | ||
| Dallas. | ||
| That's a big card. | ||
| That's a good card. | ||
| What are you doing that weekend? | ||
| You around? | ||
| What weekend is it? | ||
| March 13th and 14th? | ||
| I will be in Chicago at the Schaumburg Improv. | ||
| And this weekend... | ||
| Sucks for you, buddy. | ||
| Where will I be this weekend? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| You're supposed to do my advertisement. | ||
| Lexington, Kentucky. | ||
| Brian Callen. | ||
| Off-Broadway comedy. | ||
| Oh, is that the name of the place? | ||
| Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. | ||
| Off Broadway in Kentucky. | ||
| Ryan Callen! | ||
| It's really off Broadway. | ||
| It's way off. | ||
| It's very off Broadway. | ||
| It's in Kentucky. | ||
| Far as shit away from Broadway. | ||
| You don't want to do comedy on Broadway unless it's only you and you open with the exact same shit every night and you do it as a performance piece. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'd have to do a performance art piece. | ||
| With a box of wigs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For them, it's very important if you're going to do a one-man show performance piece. | ||
| Like, guys do stand-up. | ||
| There's guys that have made a career off of doing stand-up as a one-man show. | ||
| Like that Defending the Caveman guy. | ||
| He's made a fortune. | ||
| Fuckload of money. | ||
| Also, he might be a redneck. | ||
| He did the same thing over and over, right? | ||
| Over and over. | ||
| Yeah, one-man show. | ||
| I didn't know he did that. | ||
| You talking about Larry the Cable Guy? | ||
| No, it's not Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| Jeff Foxworthy. | ||
| Oh, you didn't even know your goddamn film? | ||
| No, he was always just a stand-up, I think, wasn't he, Foxworthy? | ||
| He had that show for a while. | ||
| He's still a stand-up. | ||
| He was part of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. | ||
| Is he still doing stand-up? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Killing it still. | ||
| You'll never stop. | ||
| I'll never stop. | ||
| Dude, well, fucking Larry the Cable Guy killed... | ||
| Nobody talks about Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| He flies under the weather. | ||
| Under the weather? | ||
| Under the radar? | ||
| Under the radar. | ||
| He's got a fucking... | ||
| There's a picture that Josh Wolfe showed me. | ||
| Josh Wolfe and him did a tour together and they did a goddamn football arena. | ||
| And it's him standing on stage. | ||
| Josh Wolfe took a selfie of him standing on stage in front of 100,000 fucking people. | ||
| Or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| What is one of those football things? | ||
| 90% mullet. | ||
| 50,000. | ||
| Let's say it's 50,000. | ||
| How many did they get in one of those things? | ||
| 100,000. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Failed! | ||
| For Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| What? | ||
| Failed. | ||
| Is it 2004? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look what you're looking at. | ||
| That's the craziest thing I've ever seen. | ||
| That's Nebraska. | ||
| That's a big-ass stadium, bro. | ||
| Are you shitting me? | ||
| The big red? | ||
| Look at the size of that fucking crowd. | ||
| Is that from Josh Wolfe's Twitter feed or something? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Dude, that's insane. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Dude, that's a sea of humans. | ||
| That's an army. | ||
| He could start a war. | ||
| He could take those Larry the Cable Guy-ets and send them overseas. | ||
| They could conquer countries. | ||
| One of his crowds. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I gotta be honest. | ||
| I thought he was dead. | ||
| Yo, that's the entire population of Boulder, Colorado. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is. | ||
| For reals, man. | ||
| He's killing it. | ||
| I didn't even know. | ||
| Honestly, I didn't know he's still doing stand-up. | ||
| Dude, he does that all the time. | ||
| He does that all over the country. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He doesn't do that like once a year. | ||
| That's not like the once a year Larry the Cable guy. | ||
| No, he's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| You think he's that redneck when you just hang out with him? | ||
| No, it's not even who he is. | ||
| His name is Dan Whitney. | ||
| Look, pull the video. | ||
| There's a video of him doing stand-up, and you have to watch it. | ||
| It's him before he did the Larry the King. | ||
| First of all, he's a great guy. | ||
| Not dissing him at all. | ||
| He's a super nice guy. | ||
| Always cool. | ||
| Very down-to-earth. | ||
| Always has been. | ||
| I met him, like, way back in the day in Montreal, before he was ever famous. | ||
| He was cool as fuck back then. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| We had some drinks together, hung out at the Comedy Works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| Very, very cool guy. | ||
| He might have a line at his front door. | ||
| But he had a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He's killing the game. | ||
| He's married and, you know, he's having family and all that shit now. | ||
| But if he wanted to, yeah, he could. | ||
| But my point being is that this guy, like, created a character and was doing it on the radio. | ||
| And then that character became super successful. | ||
| And that's just, like, who people think of him as now. | ||
| But this is him. | ||
| This is him doing stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good to be here, I'll tell you what. | |
| You know, my... | ||
| I just went to visit for a... | ||
| Grandma, she's got Alzheimer's disease. | ||
| Try to put her in a home. | ||
| It's a nice place. | ||
| It's called, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm kidding. | |
| She laughed when I thought of that. | ||
| Wow, man. | ||
| So I thought I was just born a pure redneck. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not fair to him to play this old material, so let's just cut it right there. | ||
| We got the point, but still, man. | ||
| Nobody wants to see anybody's material from 1987. Old school? | ||
| No, still doing comedy today when you started out like two years in and you're on some terrible TV show. | ||
| Think about when he's having a bad day. | ||
| And just has to play a redneck. | ||
| He's like, can I rip the fucking sleeves off? | ||
| Give me this mullet. | ||
| Listen, that dude's having fun. | ||
| He's having fun. | ||
| You don't think he gets sick of playing a redneck? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because he's... | ||
| He's performing. | ||
| He's a character. | ||
| It's a really funny character. | ||
| Super funny. | ||
| And he's got good jokes. | ||
| He's always writing new stuff for it. | ||
| I can't believe he's selling out Nebraska Stadium. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Dude, he makes over $20 million a year easy. | ||
| Yeah, he's gigantic. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| He's gigantic. | ||
| Just doing stand-up. | ||
| And, you know, he's his own boss. | ||
| He does whatever he wants. | ||
| I think the goal now is to get a lion in my front yard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Callan, you want to go in on one? | ||
| Yep, I do. | ||
| Go in on a lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I do. | |
| You can't go halfsies on an apex predator. | ||
| Yeah, I'll have it Monday through Friday. | ||
| You get it Saturday, Sunday. | ||
| All right, get around the kids. | ||
| No, the cat's going to have some fucking problems. | ||
| It's going to feel weird not know where its real house is. | ||
| There's a guy in New York City. | ||
| Cats can't have two dens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| No, the dude in New York City who had a tiger in his apartment? | ||
| He had a crocodile too. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| This guy's awesome. | ||
| Motherfucker had like alligators and shit. | ||
| Feeding it whole chickens. | ||
| What the fuck did you think was going to happen? | ||
| What was the best case scenario with this giant alligator in your tub? | ||
| You might want to plan. | ||
| You might want to plan for it. | ||
| You had to call the cops. | ||
| You had to call the cops, man. | ||
| Well, the tiger fucked him up. | ||
| The tiger scratched him. | ||
| Yeah, the tiger was like, bitch, I'm living in a fucking apartment. | ||
| I need some exercise. | ||
| It was being a tiger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't have a tiger in your goddamn apartment in Harlem. | ||
| No. | ||
| In his one-bedroom studio. | ||
| Yeah, the lion, the tiger freaked out, son. | ||
| You can see some crazy dude who thinks he's Neo in the Matrix, and he's got some long coat on, and he doesn't want anybody to know. | ||
| He's got extra bolts on his door, and you go inside, and he's got a menagerie of fucking animals in there, tigers and lions and shit, in his apartment. | ||
| I told you I got a tiger in my house. | ||
| You're like, this motherfucker really has a tiger in an apartment? | ||
| His thought clad over his head is constantly, I win. | ||
| Nobody knows, but I win. | ||
| I have the best pet. | ||
| I have the strongest pet. | ||
| Not even that. | ||
| He's like the fucking neighborhood mystery. | ||
| You know, nobody wants a pet. | ||
| He has zero friends. | ||
| If you have an alligator in your bathtub and your best friend's a tiger, a pet tiger, you have zero friends. | ||
| Okay, but let me look at it from his point of view. | ||
| What would you rather have? | ||
| An alarm system that you know no one's gonna give a fuck because the cops are never gonna answer it anyway. | ||
| Like, they kick in your door, your alarm goes off, whatever. | ||
| By the time the cops don't give a fuck. | ||
| You're dead as fuck, okay? | ||
| If someone's gonna try to harm you and you're in the Harlem, the cops are gonna stand outside until the dust settles and then move in. | ||
| They're not there for crime prevention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| They're there to write tickets and shit. | ||
| Okay, so would you want an alarm system that everybody knows is bullshit or a fucking tiger in your house? | ||
| How confident are you with a pistol that you're gonna walk out with a stereo while you're holding off a tiger? | ||
| Bitch! | ||
| Bro, but that tiger, it's not like he was trained. | ||
| It's like, alright, someone's breaking, I better let this tiger out. | ||
| That tiger's fucking the robber up and you. | ||
| No one's getting out alive. | ||
| Well, probably once it realizes how fun it is to fuck the robber up, it'll just want to fuck you up too. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You know, be like, why don't I wait for this motherfucker to crack open a can of Hannah for me? | ||
| They just decide. | ||
| Fuck him up right now. | ||
| I don't want you stupid chicken. | ||
| Eat that face off. | ||
| They just decide. | ||
| Well, they want to kill things. | ||
| That's what we ignore when we put them in zoos. | ||
| The most torturous aspect of zoos. | ||
| It's like taking a man in his prime when he's just unbelievably attracted to women, right? | ||
| And then putting him in like a glass zoo enclosure and parading naked women around him back and forth. | ||
| Some people say that's an unfair example, but it's not. | ||
| Because nature has reward systems. | ||
| And the cats are the clean-up crew. | ||
| When you get a limp, your design didn't work well. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| People with thicker anchors, they survive. | ||
| But thicker-ankled people survive, you thin-ankled motherfuckers gotta go. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Thinning the herd. | ||
| Thick, fucking Samoan babies that can run fast. | ||
| That's what's gonna survive if tigers are everywhere. | ||
| In the San Diego Zoo, there was a jaguar, and the woman who tends to the cats was there. | ||
| And I said, if I walked in that cage, would that thing attack me? | ||
| And she said, it would kill you. | ||
| And I said, you didn't seem to hesitate. | ||
| She goes, nope, it's a predator. | ||
| It will kill you. | ||
| And I said, what are the chances you think of a human fighting something like that? | ||
| She goes, well, she said, what it would do is it would bite you, and it would keep adjusting its grip because its canines, whatever you call them, have nerves where they can sense where the juggler is. | ||
| So it would just keep adjusting and then get on your juggler. | ||
| My boy Cody Donovan worked at the morgue in the hospital where they put the bodies in. | ||
| And at the Denver Zoo, the lady at night who would feed the tigers and all that shit, she didn't lock it good enough. | ||
| She threw in the fucking T-bones in order that they give them, and then she thought it would automatically lock, and it didn't. | ||
| Messed up the door from closing. | ||
| So she's wheeling the cart. | ||
| This fucking Jaguar sneaks out from behind. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And they said she died instantly because it's big ass canine. | ||
| Went all the way through her skull through the back of her neck. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And Cody had to get the body and he said they had to look. | ||
| And it was just like this giant hole from the cat's canine. | ||
| Straight through. | ||
| Jaguar, too. | ||
| I mean, that's not even a particularly... | ||
| Well, they're pretty big. | ||
| They're a couple hundred pounds. | ||
| They're not huge, though. | ||
| They're not like a tiger. | ||
| They're bigger than leopards, and they're very powerful. | ||
| Well, they think that, yeah, jaguars are way bigger. | ||
| And they're in South America, too. | ||
| They're going to creep up here. | ||
| What do you know about a liger, son? | ||
| I think they say they're the most pound-for-pound. | ||
| I believe a jaguar is the most powerful cat. | ||
| I think the most powerful cat, pound-for-pound, is a house cat. | ||
| I think they said if house cats were big, if they were big like a lion or tiger, we would be fucked. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You tame them. | ||
| You never domesticate them. | ||
| They still have all the same traits as a jungle cat. | ||
| They're just smaller. | ||
| They're very powerful. | ||
| Like when you see how far a house cat can leap for its body size. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Well, have you ever seen that video of the tiger that jumps like 12 feet in the air to get a piece of meat? | ||
| There's a video of them holding this meat like above this truck for this tiger. | ||
| This tiger just leaps through the air to get the meat. | ||
| Well, look at how high the wall was in San Francisco when those kids were shooting at Tiger with wrist rockets. | ||
| No, they were throwing pine cones at it. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| And Tiger was like, I'm gonna... | ||
| I thought they were shooting with wrist rockets. | ||
| No, they were throwing pine cones at it, supposedly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it was a bit from my act. | ||
| And he got out. | ||
| Remember I had that bit about it? | ||
| About the tiger getting out and the look in the guy's face when the paws at the top of the glass. | ||
| I don't care who you are. | ||
| I don't care who you are. | ||
| I don't care who the fuck you are. | ||
| I would have loved to have seen that guy's face because no one can pretend that. | ||
| Killed one guy and fucked up another one. | ||
| I don't know if the guy tried to help his friend or what happened, but the second guy got killed, not the first guy that got attacked. | ||
| And these were the guys throwing the pine cones at them? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| The thing jumped the fence. | ||
| Apparently they can jump 14 feet, but this fence was only 12 feet. | ||
| And there was a big lawsuit, or threatened a big lawsuit. | ||
| I don't know if it was settled. | ||
| But because their fucking fence was too short, man. | ||
| The tiger just had never jumped before. | ||
| He'd never given a shot. | ||
| For sure someone needs to map that out better. | ||
| Well, my bit was if you got a monster in a box in the middle of the city, put a top to the box. | ||
| You went through all this trouble to build all this shit this way, and you're like, is that high enough? | ||
| Yeah, let's get out of here. | ||
| Someone decided the 12th, why don't I put a fucking top on it? | ||
| You got fake rocks. | ||
| You got a fucking pool in there for them. | ||
| How about a roof? | ||
| You fuckheads. | ||
| Why make it so it could jump out? | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| That's the dumbest fucking thing ever. | ||
| Zoos are lame in general, though, man. | ||
| When's the last time I went to the zoo? | ||
| I went to the San Diego Zoo. | ||
| That line was... | ||
| Pissing on everybody. | ||
| Pissing, man. | ||
| Walking back and forth. | ||
| That's as good a zoo as a zoo can get, but I don't like zoos. | ||
| That was the most exciting part, by far. | ||
| Zoos suck, man. | ||
| It's good for little kids. | ||
| I take my kids. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| They like to look at the animals, but it's depressing. | ||
| If you go... | ||
| Bums me out, man. | ||
| Especially the primates. | ||
| It's very depressing. | ||
| I was surprised at how poorly they actually eat, especially the primates. | ||
| They're not fed the kind of food. | ||
| It's very hard to feed them their natural diet, especially in certain ratios. | ||
| I don't think they feed the chimps. | ||
| First of all, they give them mostly vegetables, right? | ||
| A lot of them develop diabetes in captivity because there's no real set standard for how to feed a chimp as far as National Zoo. | ||
| What do they eat in the wild? | ||
| These chimps. | ||
| It was not good food. | ||
| It was not. | ||
| You know what they really like to eat, man? | ||
| They really love to eat monkeys. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Other monkeys? | ||
| Dude, it's hard to watch. | ||
| You know, they didn't know it until the 1990s, I think. | ||
| There was that guy, David Attenborough. | ||
| Is that who it was? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| We did a nature documentary in the Congo or some shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they followed these chimps and they had this hunting party. | ||
| They took down this monkey and they're ripping the monkey apart and eating it alive. | ||
| Little colobus monkey. | ||
| They see the thing screaming, the look on its face while it's eating it like ass first. | ||
| It's chewing on this thing. | ||
| Pulling it apart. | ||
| And the monkey's screaming like you can't believe it's getting eaten apart. | ||
| It's one of the most fucked up, disturbing videos I've ever seen. | ||
| You see them looking up in the trees. | ||
| The main one looking up in the trees and they're mapping where these monkeys are going and they cut off. | ||
| As a group, they cut them off. | ||
| They funnel them, they beat the trees, and they get them to go in a certain direction, and then they box them in. | ||
| Like West Side Story. | ||
| And then they just tear them apart. | ||
| They also found that young male chimps will band together and go kill other chimps from other groups. | ||
| I didn't know this. | ||
| They'll even occasionally cannibalize. | ||
| They'll cannibalize chimps from other tribes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, our ancestors are assholes. | |
| So are people a lot of times. | ||
| They do a lot worse. | ||
| Well, of course. | ||
| Or a bipolar ape. | ||
| We're not killing eating people, though, really. | ||
| Well, we are, but it's so rare. | ||
| We certainly are. | ||
| But if you look at the numbers, see how many fucking chimps there are in the wild, and they're doing this fucked up shit to monkeys, and then look at how many people there are. | ||
| If there was as many people or chimps as there were people, it would be cannibalized. | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| You wouldn't be able to leave your house. | ||
| If there was as many chimps as there were people, you would never be able to get to your car. | ||
| They would mug you every chance they got. | ||
| They would rip your fucking feet off and fuck your ass. | ||
| They would do whatever they wanted to. | ||
| Rip your feet off. | ||
| I think that would be the one animal actually you definitely don't want To have an encounter. | ||
| You may as well choose a croc because they'll kill you right away. | ||
| A chimp will just take your face off and your genitals off. | ||
| Gorillas are less likely to attack you. | ||
| Gorillas will fake you. | ||
| They'll fake charge you. | ||
| And you have to stay on the ground. | ||
| Just to scare you, right? | ||
| It's a mock charge. | ||
| They want you to get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Just get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You're staring at me, you crazy asshole. | ||
| And the chimp's going to rip your dick and face off. | ||
| But we're so soft, we think it's okay to look at a wild animal in its eyes. | ||
| That's how stupid we are. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| It's a challenge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, we're cool. | |
| We're cool, man. | ||
| We're from National Geographic Society. | ||
| We just come to make sure your baby's okay. | ||
| Fucking crazy 800-pound silverback. | ||
| What's wrong with people? | ||
| It's right in your face. | ||
| He's got fangs and he only eats vegetables. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Shredded. | ||
| And the fangs are only designed to fuck you up. | ||
| And you can't even imagine what an 800-pound gorilla's strength is like, because you would think of it as like an 800-pound man. | ||
| But it would really be more like a 3,000-pound man. | ||
| It would twist your head off like this, man. | ||
| Like, just rip you to pieces. | ||
| Probably more than 3,000. | ||
| Probably like a 5,000-pound man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Some ridiculous number. | ||
| Look at the muscles on a 200-pound chimp, man, when they lose their hair. | ||
| Oh, they're disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, crap. | |
| Troll-looking, fucking horrible-looking beast. | ||
| Stared at those muscles forever. | ||
| If we had as many chimps as there were people, everybody's always down for chimps. | ||
| Look, I'm not saying we should exterminate the chimps. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But let's just be realistic. | ||
| If chimps were everywhere and they had full freedom the way people do, we'd have a fucking serious problem! | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the first problem was someone said that was okay for those chimps to fucking hang out with us, man. | ||
| And if you don't think chimps will steal babies and eat them, you haven't been paying attention to the literature. | ||
| That's right, sir. | ||
| I haven't been paying attention because I'm terrified. | ||
| They will steal babies. | ||
| Baboons will steal babies for fun. | ||
| From each other. | ||
| Baboons I knew. | ||
| Baboons are wild as fuck. | ||
| Evil fucking cunts. | ||
| Yeah, baboons are bad. | ||
| Evil, evil cunts, baboons. | ||
| When you carry a baby on your back, it's not a good idea. | ||
| Baboons are creepy dog fucking monkey things. | ||
| Nobody's got a pet baboon in New York City. | ||
| Some people do. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| I don't know about New York City. | ||
| Well, they do in Africa, I know. | ||
| There's like baboons with fucking masks on them. | ||
| I feel like every time I'm in here, I'm terrified, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Every time. | ||
| Last time I left, there was volcanoes. | ||
| I was like, you're going to die any minute, bro. | ||
| Listen, this is what you do. | ||
| Keep away from volcanoes. | ||
| Don't run for office in Russia. | ||
| Make sure... | ||
| Don't get a baboon because it will challenge you eventually. | ||
| We keep the chimp population to a minimum. | ||
| Everybody was down for chimps. | ||
| If chimps were like squirrels, you'd be fucked! | ||
| You would be fucked if chimps were running through the fucking car. | ||
| Look at the muscles, look. | ||
| Oh, good, googly moogly! | ||
| Look at that thing! | ||
| Look at the muscles! | ||
| They're so strong. | ||
| There's a male. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the same chimp, I think. | ||
| But what's really fucked is... | ||
| He's got some balls and no dick. | ||
| That's what they all look like. | ||
| We just usually see them covered in hair and we don't realize it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He's got some thick wrists on that guy. | ||
| And those hands, built for brutality. | ||
| Look at his nuts. | ||
| Built to pull your eyes out of your head. | ||
| With no dick. | ||
| No wonder he's ferocious. | ||
| He has a dick. | ||
| He's probably playing with it, man. | ||
| He's probably holding it up with his extra long fingers. | ||
| You're not putting him in a rear You're not doing anything to him. | ||
| Oh my god, he would laugh at you. | ||
| Bro, look at that gorilla down there. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ! | ||
| He's so big! | ||
| Oh my God, that thing's so big! | ||
| Six foot, six hundred pounds. | ||
| Again, not messing with a very big piece though. | ||
| Oh no, they have tiny dicks, as a matter of fact. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| And notice how he has tiny balls, too. | ||
| Here's what's interesting, give you a little science. | ||
| With primates, there's a direct relationship with the size of the testicles and the promiscuousness of the surrounding women. | ||
| So the more the women are just fucking everything, buck wild up in here, the more the dude's balls get big. | ||
| And that exists in cultures as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| - Sure, I live in LA, my bones are huge. - Humans have the largest dicks though of all the primates per capita, per size, per measurement. | ||
| Wow, I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, if you measure this pound for pound, our dicks are the biggest, because we're the biggest hoes. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Not necessarily, like us and bonobos. | ||
| Bonobos fuck a lot, huh? | ||
| But our dicks are bigger. | ||
| The thing about gorilla's dicks and balls is that the gorillas are so fucking unchallengeable, they could have little tiny puds and they still get all the pussy. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| There's no one coming along. | ||
| There's no giant gorilla just stroking it, sitting by the side of the fucking pond, eating bamboo shoots with a giant shillelagh. | ||
| Just letting all the other gorillas know. | ||
| With a Shiva-like lingam. | ||
| Get over. | ||
| Fuck this one-inch killer you've been fucking with. | ||
| Because gorillas have one-inch dicks. | ||
| That's so disappointing. | ||
| But, if you look at it in a gorilla's way, a big dick is a big target. | ||
| You want to get your dick bit by a snake. | ||
| Might be the difference between survival and death when you're out there living in the fucking jungle. | ||
| You want a tiny dick with a pee hole so small that one of those little ball-eating fish can't swim up there and eat your ball sack out from the inside like they're known to do. | ||
| I heard back in the day, like in the Roman times, a big dick you were made fun of is like licked down upon. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's the same today. | ||
| It's like the internet. | ||
| The Roman days were like Twitter. | ||
| If you have a big dick on Twitter, yeah, but you fucking, the blood goes to it, you become a retard. | ||
| It's been proven the body can't support a dick that big. | ||
| The Roman statues, the aesthetic was to keep the penis small because it took away from the body and how hard it was to chisel like a realistic body and foot and all that out of the marble. | ||
| So you kept that area. | ||
| That's the story. | ||
| I bet there's a bunch of dudes jacking off on a statue of a giant cock. | ||
| They probably took the cock and they were buttfucking the statue in the middle of the square, backing each other up on the statue of this giant cock. | ||
| I just heard back in the day if you had a big ol' dick in the Roman times, they made fun of you. | ||
| Like you're an outcast. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Make fun, boys. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Real funny, fellas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Real funny, man. | ||
| Sorry about my heavy dick. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| That's the one group of humans that will never get sympathy if you mock them. | ||
| Dudes are big dicks. | ||
| No matter what. | ||
| No matter what. | ||
| I mean, just different races, different nationalities, different genders. | ||
| There's all sorts of categories where you're not allowed to mock people because it's rude. | ||
| Even white people. | ||
| There's people get mad that you're mocking white people. | ||
| Like, man, why don't you fucking leave us white people alone? | ||
| You know, all the privilege that white people have, it's still not enough for you to be able to mock them. | ||
| Take your four pound dick and get out of here. | ||
| Dudes with giant dicks, you got a green light. | ||
| If you can find something about that guy that you can make fun of, if you can make fun of that dude, nobody's going to back him up. | ||
| Nobody's going to come along and say, hey dude with the big giant dick, you know man, I feel your pain. | ||
| It's the bullshit they're mocking your giant super fucking alpha hog, that giant dick that all the women want, that huge veiny monster of destruction that you're swinging. | ||
| The one thing that a dude cannot own up to. | ||
| I mean, we just can't. | ||
| No matter what you do, you make all the money in the world, that guy's got a giant dick. | ||
| And if he bangs her, she's going to remember. | ||
| She's going to remember that giant thing. | ||
| And you can't pay for it either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about Love Line? | |
| We did Love Line and the open forum was Does Size Matter? | ||
| Literally every girl but one was like, absolutely. | ||
| Dudes will tell you it doesn't matter. | ||
| It's wishful thinking, bitches. | ||
| Dr. Drew was like, no, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Silly boy! | ||
| We're like, well. | ||
| Silly boy. | ||
| No, he said it does matter, I thought. | ||
| Well, he's got a piece on him, apparently. | ||
| Well, that's what they told us. | ||
| But at the end of the day, it was funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need proof. | |
| I need a dick big. | ||
| What's a piece? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like, guys, I took karate in high school. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How much karate did you really do? | ||
| Well, I've been doing martial arts since I was a kid. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| You and your brother hit a brick with a fucking flashlight in your backyard? | ||
| Every guy exaggerates how much they bench and how fast a runner they were. | ||
| I ran a 4 or 540. Hmm. | ||
| Well, the NFL... How about your friend? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I ran a 4-6 in the 4-day. | ||
| I went, well, no, you didn't. | ||
| He goes, oh, I benched 385, though, three times in high school. | ||
| Oh, though? | ||
| Why would he say that, though? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's admitting the first one was a lie. | ||
| Listen, that was bullshit, but I'm an Eagle Scout. | ||
| I'm an Eagle Scout. | ||
| I made that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did make Eagle Scout. | |
| I got a badge. | ||
| I saw a grown man who was an Eagle Scout at the airport, and he was pushing 45, and he was an Eagle Scout. | ||
| He was in the full getup? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure was. | |
| Oh, he's molesting kids 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, he is. | |
| Well, he's a Scoutmaster. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he might have earned the rank of Eagle Scout, but he's not in the Boy Scouts anymore. | ||
| He's, like, running these Scout trips. | ||
| He can make a... | ||
| That's some shady shit. | ||
| Oh dude, weird guys. | ||
| Join the military. | ||
| I remember I was a kid. | ||
| I was a kid and I was in the Boy Scouts. | ||
| I was probably like between... | ||
| I guess it was between... | ||
| So when I was living in Boston, so I think I was probably like 13. That was when I was in the Boy Scouts. | ||
| I was only in it for like one year. | ||
| Whatever it was, 13 or 14. I was living in Jamaica Plain. | ||
| And my mom took me to the Boy Scout thing and this fucking dude who was a Scoutmaster was hitting on my mom. | ||
| Like hard and my mom was like blushing and she was trying to be polite about it But I remember like this is creepy this dude's hitting on my mom in front of me And I gotta go camping with this asshole and he was like hey, what's up with your mom like she's married my dad You're getting extra marshmallows and shit. | ||
| I didn't get any extra marshmallows I went to camp with a bunch of fucking hoodlums. | ||
| It was a scary camp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I didn't do any of the shit we're supposed to do I hid During the day, like, we're supposed to do all these different activities. | ||
| Took my fishing rod, went down to the lake. | ||
| I checked out early. | ||
| Joe, the individual? | ||
| I checked out right away. | ||
| Doesn't play well with us. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Dude, there was ricochets, okay? | ||
| Dudes were, he gave kids.22s, and they were shooting at rocks. | ||
| And we're hanging out there, but there was, like, an archery range. | ||
| And while we're hanging out by the archery range, I hear... | ||
| And I go, what the fuck is that? | ||
| And someone goes, it's a ricochet. | ||
| I go, what do you mean it's a ricochet? | ||
| They're like, someone over by the rifle range probably hit a rock. | ||
| I go, it goes all the way the fuck over here? | ||
| Like, what are you talking about, man? | ||
| Yeah, just keep fishing, bro. | ||
| This is the Boy Scouts in New Hampshire, okay? | ||
| Listen, survival of the fittest. | ||
| They would take kids, pull them out of their cots, like pick their cots up, and tie them up and leave them in the middle of the woods. | ||
| And it was pitch dark. | ||
| You couldn't see your hand. | ||
| I went to camp out there. | ||
| I got molested. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Oh, you talked about this. | ||
| I know, it doesn't matter. | ||
| You didn't tell this story on the podcast? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| What are you, a girl? | ||
| You're going to tell us a story? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Oh, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Tell the story, though. | ||
| Didn't Officer Greg suck your dick or something? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Someone sucked your dick? | ||
| With Dan, his name was Fistful of my dong, and I had a morning boy hard on, and I was like, what's going on? | ||
| And he was doing this, and I was like, I do this usually, why is he doing this? | ||
| I remember going, I do this, why is he doing this? | ||
| So I go to my buddy Donnie, and I go... | ||
| Uh, probably 11. And I go, I go to my buddy Don, I go, hey man, this guy, you know me, I'm like, this guy Dan was playing with my dick! | ||
| And my buddy John goes, he's playing with my dick too! | ||
| And Donnie goes, he sucked mine! | ||
| And I go... | ||
| I'm telling my mom! | ||
| So I waited like a little tiger in the tall grass. | ||
| He sucked mine. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Donnie got his dick sucked. | ||
| He was getting it done repeatedly. | ||
| He wasn't like a violent... | ||
| Real quick, Callan got molested as a kid. | ||
| Sure did. | ||
| He wasn't a violent guy. | ||
| He was probably a guy who... | ||
| He had a beard, I remember, with a bald head, terribly non-athletic at all. | ||
| I threw a ball at him and he clapped like he was clapping at a bug. | ||
| And then he just loved boys. | ||
| And I went and told my mom. | ||
| What did you tell your mom? | ||
| How did you tell your mom? | ||
| Well, my mom wasn't there, so she didn't come for about two weeks, and he kept asking me why I wasn't going on more trips, because I was just taken. | ||
| I was, like, not signed up for any more canoe trips. | ||
| Was it just that one time? | ||
| Because you were there for two weeks. | ||
| Did you get your dick sucked by Greg? | ||
| No, I was there for longer than that. | ||
| I was in camp for two months, I believe. | ||
| Did he suck your dick? | ||
| No, he never sucked my dick. | ||
| How close did he get to it? | ||
| He just had it. | ||
| It was hard. | ||
| We were all in the tent. | ||
| It was probably me and a couple of guys, and he had his hand in my... | ||
| In my sleeping bag, playing with my little wiener. | ||
| So, give me like a jujitsu position. | ||
| Does he have you in side control? | ||
| Nope, I'm lying next to him. | ||
| Is he ski-polling? | ||
| And he's looking... | ||
| He's ski-polling. | ||
| Tents are small, bro. | ||
| There's three kids. | ||
| He's probably like this. | ||
| Two fistfuls, sucking Donnie off. | ||
| Well, I know that I was looking... | ||
| You were in a threesome with Donnie. | ||
| I was looking... | ||
| I had woken up like this. | ||
| I wasn't a threesome, probably. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| And... | ||
| This explains so much. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Why are you fucking rubbing your head? | ||
| That's gotta be an internet meme. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| This explains so much. | ||
| So much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Calvin was molested. | |
| I was molested. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's fucked up to laugh, man. | ||
| Why are you laughing at that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so rude. | |
| There's a big difference between being molested and then being fucked. | ||
| And so, you know, for me, and I knew that. | ||
| He was minorly molested. | ||
| You're crazy if you don't think Donnie was fucking him, too. | ||
| No, I think Donnie... | ||
| Donnie didn't want me to tell anybody. | ||
| And I was like, I'm telling my mom! | ||
| I almost got molested by a guy. | ||
| Came real close. | ||
| Didn't realize that the guy was creeping on me until the very end. | ||
| Neither did I. I thought he was nice. | ||
| I thought he was nice, but he was getting weird. | ||
| He was getting weird and he was showing up drunk. | ||
| How'd you know him? | ||
| I used to go fishing near this place called Jamaica Pond. | ||
| And Jamaica Pond was this place in Jamaica Plain, where I lived, that had really good fishing. | ||
| Like, I could walk to it. | ||
| Seems weird, but that's, you know, Boston, it rains a lot. | ||
| You know, you have, like, ponds and lakes and shit. | ||
| Like, sometimes near cities. | ||
| And this was a real legitimate trout pond. | ||
| And we would go fishing there all the time. | ||
| You'd catch bass there, trout. | ||
| But they would stock it with rainbow trout. | ||
| And I loved fishing back then. | ||
| I'd fish all the time. | ||
| I'd fish every day after school. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| It was just peaceful. | ||
| And it's fun catching fish. | ||
| You know, it's like one of those things kids love it. | ||
| When I caught my first trout, I was like, holy shit! | ||
| I brought it in and I picked it up and I took it home and I cooked it. | ||
| I couldn't believe I caught a fucking trout. | ||
| It was very exciting to me. | ||
| Anyway, this dude used to jog by and he used to talk to me and my friend Josh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love how Brendan can't stop laughing. | |
| We used to go fishing at this place all the time. | ||
| Dude's probably dead now. | ||
| Because I was... | ||
| It was before I moved to Newton. | ||
| I moved to Newton when I was 14. So I was living in Jamaica Plain. | ||
| I was probably 13-ish. | ||
| Somewhere around that. | ||
| And he's probably in his late 50s. | ||
| So he comes around and he'd ask us about fishing. | ||
| Like, what do you catch? | ||
| Like, sit down with us for a little bit and talk with us. | ||
| Very friendly. | ||
| And then he'd take off. | ||
| And he kept doing it. | ||
| Like, over and over again. | ||
| Come by. | ||
| Very friendly. | ||
| Softening you up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Softening us up. | ||
| Feelers. | ||
| He would offer us some food. | ||
| He would give us some food, like a cake or something. | ||
| He would probably rub his balls off. | ||
| I have no idea, right? | ||
| Probably give you like a cookie that he just had deep in his ass. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| I ran it over my crack. | ||
| Who knows what he did, right? | ||
| But I didn't know any better, man. | ||
| I was 13. I just didn't know any better. | ||
| I had one experience when I was younger, when I was like seven years old. | ||
| I was at a library in San Francisco. | ||
| And I was looking at these books, and I was looking at these monster books, and this guy came up to me like, you like monster books? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, I got monster books out in my car. | ||
| I go, oh, really? | ||
| And I start going out to this guy's car. | ||
| And the lady, who's the librarian, screams out, Joseph, you get away from that man. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| That man just got out of jail. | ||
| So I run away. | ||
| I'm crying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, dude. | |
| He's probably going to... | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, man. | |
| Most likely molest me. | ||
| I dodged. | ||
| If it's a good... | ||
| Or kill you. | ||
| Could be killed me. | ||
| Dang, man. | ||
| I'm like seven. | ||
| At the most, I'm eight. | ||
| I'm not laughing anymore. | ||
| Scary shit. | ||
| So I had that in my past, like I remembered that, that I dodged that bullet. | ||
| So this dude, man, so stupid, man. | ||
| I had lunch over this guy's house before, just me and him. | ||
| This is where it started getting weird. | ||
| I peed in his bathroom, and one of the things he said to me, he goes, you're very developed. | ||
| And I said, what? | ||
| And he goes, your penis. | ||
| Your penis is very developed for a boy your age. | ||
| That's a very good thing. | ||
| I was like, oh, okay. | ||
| But he didn't get creepy with me. | ||
| I mean, I was over the dude's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's creepy. | |
| It was creepy, but you know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's creepy as fuck. | ||
| He didn't try to fuck me. | ||
| He probably loved you. | ||
| He just said that. | ||
| Dude, whatever it was. | ||
| It got real weird after that. | ||
| So that was probably the beginning of the weirdness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah. | |
| So I definitely told Josh. | ||
| I was like, dude, he said that my dick was developed. | ||
| He's looking at my dick and Josh was like, whoa. | ||
| And Josh was an interesting character too. | ||
| That kid knew a lot of shit. | ||
| He knew about weird sexual shit way early because his mom My mom was a lesbian. | ||
| I lived with this woman who looked like a truck driver. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| He knew some shit. | ||
| He was a sharp kid. | ||
| He's like, dude, he's trying to fuck you. | ||
| This is going to get ugly. | ||
| We were talking about it. | ||
| Do you think he's a pedophile? | ||
| It was some weird shit. | ||
| So anyway, I started avoiding the dude. | ||
| And then one time I'm fishing, and there was two areas. | ||
| There was one area where Jamaica Pond was, was the big area, and then there was this other smaller pond that was off, like, you know, like a few blocks to the left. | ||
| Sometimes we would go to that pond, because no one ever went there, and it did have some good fish in there, and every now and then, like, it had different kind of fish. | ||
| It had, like, pickerel and all these different kind of fish. | ||
| So he shows up. | ||
| It's just me and him. | ||
| And this is kind of an isolated area. | ||
| There's a lot of trees and shit. | ||
| It's not like Jamaica Pond, which has this big running track. | ||
| Is he in sweats? | ||
| This is a sketch. | ||
| This is a sketch. | ||
| And he tells me that he loves me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I don't know what to do. | ||
| I'm sitting there fishing. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, well, yeah, I like you too, man. | ||
| And he goes, no, no, I love you. | ||
| And there cannot be no true love. | ||
| There can be no true love without sex. | ||
| Holy shnikes. | ||
| No, I remember him saying that. | ||
| And I remember going, what? | ||
| And I remember I had a knife. | ||
| I had a Swiss Army knife, one of those little red plastic handle Swiss Army knives, and I had it in my pocket, and I put my hand on the knife. | ||
| And I didn't want to pull it out, but I wanted to have it on me. | ||
| And I remember thinking, I might have to fucking stab this guy. | ||
| Chop that dick up. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, first of all, I'm probably going to get killed. | ||
| I'm 13. I didn't know how to fight back then. | ||
| And he's a big dude. | ||
| I wasn't big. | ||
| He was bigger than me. | ||
| He was an old guy. | ||
| Yeah, a grown ass man. | ||
| He's a grown ass man. | ||
| And if he knew how to fight at all, I was fucked. | ||
| I didn't have any martial arts experience back then. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I started getting into martial arts is after this. | ||
| I figured I have to know something. | ||
| If this guy beats me up and fucking kills me and stabs me, no one's going to hear me. | ||
| I'm in this really kind of wooded area. | ||
| And so I told him, you better fucking leave me alone or something like that. | ||
| Whatever words I was able to muster being scared out of my mind at 13. And then years later, after I had moved, this is where it got really creepy. | ||
| He sent a letter to my house when I was like 16 or 17 or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Relentless. | |
| Yeah, he sent a letter to my house many, many years later. | ||
| He found out where I moved to, found out where my house was. | ||
| I had never told him my house in the first place. | ||
| And this guy sent me a letter. | ||
| It was really creepy, man. | ||
| I read this long, it was almost like a love letter to me. | ||
| It was really creepy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm just thinking, if I see this guy, Jesus Christ. | |
| He was truly in love. | ||
| Right alert. | ||
| Me and my buddy Michael in Saudi Arabia. | ||
| He fell in love with that dick. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| He saw my juicy dick... | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| And that's the turning point. | ||
| That's an insane story though. | ||
| One of the most traumatic experiences for me, I was in Saudi Arabia with my buddy Michael and in Saudi there was nowhere to play so you would just go play in these like abandoned lots and you know whatever we'd find cars that were old but you'd break them up as you're doing what 13 year olds do, 14, 13 and I'll never forget I see a guy I couldn't understand what the guy was doing at the trunk of his car. | ||
| I was like, what is that guy doing? | ||
| And I realized I got closer. | ||
| It was the most bizarre thing. | ||
| There is a guy in the trunk of the car with his ass out of the car. | ||
| So he had his ass sticking out of the trunk of the car, this giant hairy ass. | ||
| And another guy had his robe lifted up and he was standing there. | ||
| In Saudi Arabia? | ||
| Fucking, yeah, fucking the guy in his ass. | ||
| So I couldn't, I could just see an ass sticking out of a trunk. | ||
| And he had his, I was 13, me and my friend Michael, and he was jamming, he was fucking standing up, and I was like, and I go, I remember, I go, I was kind of the leader of us two, and I go, I see it, he looks at me, and he didn't say anything, he just looks at me with a blank expression as he's just drilling some poor gimp in some Cadillac. | ||
| And I go, Michael, let's run away! | ||
| I've never run faster. | ||
| You know when you can't feel your legs? | ||
| I was just like... | ||
| Scared, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I don't have any molest stories. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I have another one. | ||
| That's a crazy one, though. | ||
| So that guy, what did he do when he saw you running away from him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| Did he try to finish real fast? | ||
| Did he continue? | ||
| Just looked at me with heavy eyes. | ||
| And kept banging the dude? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Kept thrusting. | ||
| What do you think would happen if he just stood there unimpressed? | ||
| That's what you should have done, like rap style. | ||
| You just stood him down. | ||
| Let me know when you're done. | ||
| I'll show you how it's done. | ||
| Let me know when you're finished. | ||
| The worst audience member ever at a comedy club. | ||
| You know these guys? | ||
| That's the last thing you'd ever want to see. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| Are you doing that to him while he's fucking a guy in the ass in a truck? | ||
| Seemed better. | ||
| You got molested again, though, Callum? | ||
| Weak strokes. | ||
| Well, no, I remember I met an older dude, and he was a cool guy. | ||
| We hung out. | ||
| That's how it starts. | ||
| It always starts with an older dude. | ||
| We were in Wisconsin. | ||
| In a sweatsuit. | ||
| We're in Wisconsin. | ||
| The Northwoods of Wisconsin. | ||
| Summertimes. | ||
| And I remember I meet this guy, and there was this girl there, two girls, older. | ||
| How old are they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Let's say... | ||
| Forties? | ||
| Thirteen or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Fourteen. | ||
| It was so hot. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| Eleven, ten, something younger. | ||
| Oh, they're not that old. | ||
| Even younger. | ||
| Younger. | ||
| Because I'll tell you why I know I was younger. | ||
| So, I'm hanging out with this guy. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| I was such a little pervert. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| He's a grown man? | ||
| I don't know, but I'm going to tell you how I know he was a lot older. | ||
| This is the point. | ||
| I actually say we should try to have sex with those girls. | ||
| I'm trying to conspire. | ||
| I don't know how old I was. | ||
| Or at least I was like, we should try to see their Boobs. | ||
| I don't know what I was saying to him. | ||
| He goes, yes, that's a great plan. | ||
| So we're talking. | ||
| He goes, come, we have to go to the woods and come up with a plan. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah, so I'm like, all right. | ||
| So we go to the woods. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| No wonder you've been molested several times. | ||
| The next thing I know, this is coming to me now. | ||
| The next thing I know, he pulls his pants down, and I notice how hairy his ass is. | ||
| So I go, that's weird. | ||
| There's his dick and his ass. | ||
| And he lies down and he goes, do you want to rub on top of me or no? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I go, I don't think so. | |
| Do you want to rub on top of me or no? | ||
| I was young enough to have to think about it. | ||
| Imagine if that's his fucking go-to line. | ||
| I swear to God! | ||
| How do you get these kids to fuck you? | ||
| Dude, this is all you have to do. | ||
| You lie down and you go, do you want to rub on top of me or no? | ||
| And they always just start fucking you. | ||
| And then a couple of kids go... | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Spit on your asshole and start pounding away. | ||
| They all do it. | ||
| It's like hypnosis. | ||
| But he laid down with his legs straight. | ||
| It wasn't like he was bending legs straight. | ||
| You want to rub up the top of me or no? | ||
| And I go, I don't think... | ||
| I looked at his hairy ass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw the crack and I was like, do I say yes? | ||
| I was like, this is vaguely sexual. | ||
| And I go, no, I don't think so. | ||
| So then he gets up and he goes, all right, well, just hold on for a second. | ||
| And he starts, I'm going to show you something. | ||
| And I go, all right. | ||
| And he starts jerking off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And I go, I tickle my 2-2-2. | ||
| I used to rub it on the bed. | ||
| Tickle my 2-2? | ||
| Yeah, that's what my mother called it. | ||
| So I go, so he's wanking off. | ||
| And that was the first time he goes, hold on, ready? | ||
| Ready? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| And he comes. | ||
| On you? | ||
| He busted in your face? | ||
| No, not in my face. | ||
| He just shoots. | ||
| And I go, what the fuck? | ||
| I go, what's that white? | ||
| I couldn't believe seeing white stuff. | ||
| It was the first time I saw somebody ejaculate. | ||
| Bro, hold on. | ||
| You were watching this dude jack off in the woods for a solid four minutes. | ||
| Hey man, it just came to me. | ||
| What were you saying to him? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It was so long ago. | ||
| Yeah, Jim. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| What do you call this, mister? | ||
| Yeah, hold on. | ||
| He was like, watch this. | ||
| Wait for it. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Wait for it. | ||
| What's going to happen? | ||
| And then we went. | ||
| Then we left and we went and spied on those girls. | ||
| You hung out with him after that. | ||
| I did, I sure did. | ||
| You watched a grown man jack off, bust near you, not on your face, then you went to go find chicks with him. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So you know what, man? | ||
| When you're 11 years old, weird shit can happen to you. | ||
| Not to this 11 year old. | ||
| You got lucky. | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| You got lucky, but I'm not saying that would have happened. | ||
| You would have stood around while the guy jerked off, but I am saying it's possible that a guy, when you were 11, could have lied down and say, hey, you want to rub on top of me or no? | ||
| And you would have been like, what the What the fuck? | ||
| You would have said no, 100% no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't say 100% no, for sure. | |
| No, I don't. | ||
| I thought about it, because I thought that looks like... | ||
| The guy would be down there, you might be surprised. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I would not be surprised. | ||
| I just thought I could pretend that's a girl. | ||
| I could rub against that and pretend it's a girl. | ||
| You can pretend it's a girl. | ||
| What? | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| Where the fu- Are you revealing- Is this a confession thing? | ||
| He wanted to let a little bit of it out, and we were talking about funny shit? | ||
| You're like, no, no, no, I still have to add some stuff that I did that was- I was thinking about him being a girl. | ||
| There's just a couple million people listening. | ||
| Biggest podcast ever. | ||
| This was last week, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This guy looks like the Iron Sheik in his prime. | ||
| Thick as fuck. | ||
| Jacked off a gallon mustache. | ||
| Monster, hairy asshole. | ||
| Smells like wood leather. | ||
| I'll tell you what bothers me about the story is you watched him for several minutes jack off and ejaculated. | ||
| Sure did. | ||
| I just didn't know what was going to happen. | ||
| We found a video of the guy. | ||
| We have the guy. | ||
| Pull up that video on my Twitter feed of the Russian dude doing kettlebells in the snow with no shirt on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This is why you shouldn't fuck with Russians. | ||
| They're a different kind of human. | ||
| And everybody's freaking out about this Putin stuff, like Putin assassinated, or allegedly. | ||
| Putin's actually investigating it, and he's quite upset that this happened. | ||
| He's very upset. | ||
| He wrote a letter to the guy's mother. | ||
| So, anyway, bottom line is, Russia is a different fucking, it's a different beast. | ||
| He's still stuck on the jacking off. | ||
| Look at this video of this dude. | ||
| There's a video of this dude. | ||
| He's in the fucking snow in Russia, and he's doing the man-maker. | ||
| It's on the Keith Weber kettlebell cardio workout series. | ||
| He does the entire man-maker. | ||
| No fucking shirt on in the winter. | ||
| Hard to tell how much that kettlebell weighs. | ||
| It depends on the construction of it. | ||
| It's either 35 pounds or 50 pounds. | ||
| Is that an on it, Bill? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| This is the motherland. | ||
| They don't want on it up there. | ||
| Probably looks about 50 pounds, right? | ||
| That dude's in shape, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah, he is. | ||
| Watch him do this shit, man. | ||
| The dude's stacked. | ||
| He does this with no shirt on in fucking Russia in the winter, and he talks Russian to his dog who waits for him. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| It's just a different breed, man. | ||
| Because this guy's throwing this fucking 50 pound kettlebell around like it ain't shit. | ||
| And he's doing it over and over again. | ||
| Switch hands, neck size. | ||
| If you survived Russian history, that was a distillation process. | ||
| This is some warrior genetics you're looking at here. | ||
| This guy's all fucking stud. | ||
| Oh, by the way, he might be 70. Oh, and both of you are lucky. | ||
| This isn't the guy who's trying to fuck both of you as kids. | ||
| By the way, you're damn right about that. | ||
| Well, this looks like a tall fella. | ||
| He's not a very big fella. | ||
| No, he's short, for sure. | ||
| But this guy's a tank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because he's rattling these fucking... | ||
| I mean, I don't know how much that weighs. | ||
| It might only be 35 pounds. | ||
| Dude, that looks pretty. | ||
| That looks heavier than 35. I think that's heavier, Joe. | ||
| It looks like a 50 to me. | ||
| It looks like a 75-er. | ||
| No, it would be 72, I think. | ||
| 70 or 72. That looks heavy, Joe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| It's the size of his head! | ||
| Yeah, but there's some ones that they make that are really light. | ||
| They look like that, but they're really light. | ||
| I've used them before. | ||
| I've used them before. | ||
| If you see those colored ones, you ever see the ones that are colored? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are light as fuck. | ||
| And they're big. | ||
| Big. | ||
| They look like you're using superhuman strength and it's like 30 pounds. | ||
| But that thing is as big as his Russian head. | ||
| He's got a big Russian head. | ||
| That looks like a real Dragon Door style or one of the Onnit ones. | ||
| It's all cast iron. | ||
| If that's the case, that's probably 50 pounds. | ||
| That dude's just way tougher than me. | ||
| Yeah, look at this motherfucker. | ||
| He's just switching hands. | ||
| Clean press. | ||
| The entire time we've been talking, this guy has never taken a break. | ||
| He's just throwing around this 50-pound kettlebell. | ||
| Kind of awesome. | ||
| I gotta take my kettlebell workouts way more seriously. | ||
| Are those ankle weights he's wearing, though? | ||
| That's the only thing I question. | ||
| No, those are fucking Let's Get Physical socks. | ||
| Look at the people behind them freezing, covered up like they're Bedouins. | ||
| That's a good time to live there, huh? | ||
| This guy's an animal. | ||
| This is the best way to stay warm in the winter. | ||
| Just keep doing this. | ||
| Maybe this is a strategy. | ||
| You know how you go to those cryotherapy places and they keep the inflammation down? | ||
| Maybe if you do fucking heavy workouts like this while you're in the middle of a snowstorm, it might actually aid your performance. | ||
| Bad idea. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Because, like, you think about what this guy's doing. | ||
| This is all about the burnout. | ||
| These are all, like, high rep exercises he's doing. | ||
| The blood's flowing. | ||
| Yeah, blood's flowing. | ||
| It's cold. | ||
| Pushing the inflammation out. | ||
| He's doing one-arm presses and then full deep squats. | ||
| So this guy, in the course of us watching him, we're assuming that's about 50 pounds, has probably done, like, what, 30 or 40 deep squats with that 50-pound kettlebell over his head, and he continues to do it. | ||
| He's an animal! | ||
| Yeah, he's an animal. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| But doing it like this while it's freezing out with no shirt on, it also makes you keep the pace up. | ||
| You don't want to get cold. | ||
| That's a chow. | ||
| That's a chow. | ||
| The dog is a chow, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Socks are perfect. | ||
| He's got Olivia Newton-John blaring in his Russian-built car. | ||
| I think they're ankles. | ||
| This motherfucker's doing windmills, son. | ||
| Windmills after all this with that 50 pounds. | ||
| That shit is not easy. | ||
| I guess that's a chow. | ||
| That's one of those... | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird Russian dog. | ||
| No, it's a chow. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| It's 100% chow. | ||
| 100% chow, by the way. | ||
| Are they Russian descent? | ||
| No, they are Chinese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which is right next to Russia. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Well, alright. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| That thing wandered into his yard one day. | ||
| Come with me, your friend, comrade. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Comrade. | |
| You, live with me. | ||
| I give you scraps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You bark when people come to me and I kill. | |
| I kill and I feed you people. | ||
| He's struggling a little bit on this side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, he is. | |
| This motherfucker's working hard. | ||
| That's a hundred reps deep, though. | ||
| Yeah, he's working hard, man. | ||
| Yeah, he's a stout little man. | ||
| This is a savage fucking workout for a no-shirted man in the middle of snow. | ||
| That dude wants to rape kids. | ||
| We're all fucked. | ||
| That dog doesn't give a fuck about the cold, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| Look how much hair he has on, man. | ||
| It's pretty dope to be a dog like that and live in a place like that. | ||
| Everybody else is suffering. | ||
| Oh, this is what I was thinking. | ||
| Do you think homeless dogs have just the best lives of any dog? | ||
| Because they're outside all the time, and they do feed them. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Dogs are pack animals, so as long as they have a pack to be with, yes. | ||
| If they're alone, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I'm saying they have an owner, but he's homeless. | ||
| This Russian motherfucker has not stopped. | ||
| Somebody needs to dub us talking about this guy over his video and send it to him. | ||
| Respect, comrade. | ||
| Respect, we give to you respect. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| He's a badass. | ||
| He's a fucking savage. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's still going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| He's still going. | ||
| That guy, that's a lot of goddamn reps this guy's done in five minutes. | ||
| He's in really good shape. | ||
| He's a crossfitter. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Don't insult, please, from Motherland. | ||
| These are kettlebells. | ||
| Then I drink vodka. | ||
| This is Russia. | ||
| I drink vodka all night. | ||
| Have you ever seen that picture of young Fedor in front of kettlebells? | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe one of the best pictures ever of a fucking post-training session. | ||
| Oh, I need to see that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Post-training session, great super athlete. | ||
| Because the kettlebells being a Russian invention, you know, like you see Fedor with all these kettlebells around him, it sort of signifies like this was a different motherfucker. | ||
| A man made from iron. | ||
| Russian Sambo champion. | ||
| Look at that fucking photo. | ||
| God damn, son. | ||
| And he was thin. | ||
| Well, he had very little body fat, but he was very thick, muscled back then. | ||
| Look at the back on that guy. | ||
| He had less body fat back then, but more muscle. | ||
| He was a big fucker. | ||
| But that's also, he's pumped. | ||
| Like, he's probably just worked out, in which you get real thick, because you're all pumped up in blood. | ||
| You don't get more masculine. | ||
| Than that, dude? | ||
| No. | ||
| How about the fact that he never gave a fuck about his gut? | ||
| He's just sad. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He's Russian! | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Just went in there dropping bombs on people. | ||
| Is he married? | ||
| Yeah, he's been married and divorced a couple times. | ||
| He does paintings and shit, too. | ||
| He does? | ||
| He does art. | ||
| Yeah, he does drawings and shit. | ||
| It's not the best shit you've ever seen. | ||
| Well, it's not bad. | ||
| It does cartoons. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's like the shit a real serial killer thinks of when they're out there smashing people's heads. | ||
| Well, his brother's a fighter and spent a lot of time in jail, I think, right? | ||
| His brother's a maniac. | ||
| His brother's a different level. | ||
| He's covered with prison tattoos. | ||
| On his back, there's a picture of the angel of death holding a baby. | ||
| Well, that's not gangster shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's all prison tattoo shit. | ||
| You've never seen it? | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| Alexander Melianenko's tattoos. | ||
| He's in jail right now for rape. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Really bad guy. | ||
| I don't know whether or not he did it, but he's definitely an alcoholic. | ||
| He definitely gets drunk. | ||
| He's very different than Fedor, whereas Fedor is completely composed, very disciplined. | ||
| Alexander also had some significant losses. | ||
| He lost in pride to Mirko. | ||
| Mirko head-kicked him. | ||
| Yeah, but this is like, look at his back. | ||
| It's like the angel of death holding a baby. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah, he's got weird, like, he had these ones on his shoulders, but he had them taken off. | ||
| It was like they had these gang tattoos on his shoulders, but he had them removed and changed to some sort of pattern. | ||
| He's a... | ||
| You think anyone's fucking with that guy in prison? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Jesus Christ, not a good idea. | ||
| That guy knocked James Thompson out in about 15 seconds. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, he's a beast, dude. | ||
| Alexander Emelianenko is a beast. | ||
| You know, I mean, he got knocked out by Krokop, but he fought Krokop when Krokop was just on fire. | ||
| Do you think that there's dudes that just like they hit this like BJ Penn level like BJ Penn when he beat Sanchez BJ Penn when you know he was like at his very best like this is only like a couple of years You can keep that intensity. | ||
| I think it's only a couple fights. | ||
| I don't think it's years really. | ||
| Yeah Do you think that maybe that's where Kane is right now? | ||
| That's why he's getting all these injuries that yes fucking junior dos Santos wars were just so insanely I think junior junior is not the same after those wars either I No, I don't think so either. | ||
| But you've got to remember too, back in those pride days, those guys were fighting a lot more frequent. | ||
| So we got to see the very best when they were at their prime. | ||
| And now in the UFC, you fight, if you're a star, two times a year, maybe three. | ||
| Grant did people say, oh, cowboy. | ||
| I'm talking about a superstar. | ||
| He's fighting maybe twice a year. | ||
| Now think of us back in the day, we'd see him three, four times. | ||
| And you remember when they used to make these fights? | ||
| They put the fight together within, like, three or four weeks of the fight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what happens in the UFC when there's a fallout would happen in Pride all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Instead of, like, you having, like, eight weeks to prepare, like, they would tell you, like, a couple weeks out. | ||
| Like, occasionally there would be, like, a long wait, you knew. | ||
| Like, when the... | ||
| Open weight Grand Prix tournament pretty much we knew who it was but then last minute like guys were getting added Josh Barnett I think was one of the later editions I might be wrong about that though, but I mean you look at that lineup Barnett, Noguera, Crow Cop, Hunt Jesus fucking Christ Those days man. | ||
| Toughest motherfuckers on the planet Yeah, it's interesting when you think about that time, the Wild West days of Pride, you know, head stomps and soccer kicks on the ground when Vanderlei fought Tamora and he was holding off the rope and stomping on his face. | ||
| Bro, when Crow Cop fought Ron Waterman and soccer kicked him in the face? | ||
| Oh yeah, man. | ||
| Oof, I forgot about that fight. | ||
| Yeah, and Ron Waterman ate it too. | ||
| He ate a couple of those. | ||
| Waterman was one of my first training partners. | ||
| He tapped me out with his titties. | ||
| Got in my guard and just smothered me with his titties. | ||
| That strong, man. | ||
| Almost broke my nose. | ||
|
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Jesus. | |
| I knew nothing at the time. | ||
| My training partner was Ron Waterman and Shane Carlin, my first two training partners. | ||
| They were just rotating on me and just dismantled me. | ||
| That's a terrible idea. | ||
| I wish I was your friend back then. | ||
| That'd be nice. | ||
| Did you have to talk shit? | ||
| No one said shit. | ||
| Shane was like, nah, this is making you tough, man. | ||
| I'm like, I know, man, but he tapped me out with his titties, and it's super embarrassing. | ||
| Okay, the tapping you out with the titties is the least of your concerns. | ||
| That is the least of your concerns. | ||
| We didn't spar. | ||
| Oh, thank God. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| Ron used to whoop my ass, and then four years down the road, B-Shop was working on stand-up, and he comes in to spar, and I'm like, yes. | ||
| Oh, me and Shane put it on him. | ||
| Well, he was a big guy, but he didn't move that good. | ||
| No, he's real stiff, but so strong. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Crazy strong. | ||
| Do you remember Dan Bobish? | ||
| No. | ||
| Goddamn! | ||
| Dan Bobish was a dude who was in the... | ||
| He lost to Mark Kerr in the UFC where Kerr got on top of him and stuck his chin in his eye socket. | ||
| You used to be allowed to stick your chin in someone's eye socket. | ||
| So dudes would get a hold of your head, they would shove their chin, like get the mount or something like that. | ||
| You know, any position where they get on top of you, they can balance out. | ||
| And they would get their hand behind your head and then get your fucking chin right in your eyeball and just squeeze. | ||
| And, you know, your eye's on fire. | ||
| You get blowout fractures in your eyes. | ||
| Guys are seeing sparks and shit. | ||
| Some meathead shit. | ||
| You got a giant man like Mark Kerr. | ||
| I never even thought of that. | ||
| That's so vicious. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| Mark Kerr taps Dan Bobish with his chin. | ||
| Yeah, I was there, dude. | ||
| I interviewed him afterwards. | ||
| It was the glory days. | ||
| Was his eye jacked up? | ||
| Oh, yeah, he had a tap, man. | ||
| Still may have the best body. | ||
| Still may have the best body in those American flag shorts of any... | ||
| Super nice guy, too. | ||
| Yeah, great guy. | ||
| Steve Kerr? | ||
| Yeah, Mark Kerr. | ||
| Super, super nice guy. | ||
| 260? | ||
| About 260? | ||
| Always a very, very cool dude. | ||
| Regardless of what was going on in his life, if you saw Mark Kerr, he was always... | ||
| Your boy Ken Shamrock's fighting again. | ||
| Yeah, he's fighting Kimbo. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| He's fighting your boy Kimbo. | ||
| Yeah, and you know what I said? | ||
| I liked about what he said. | ||
| He goes, I've earned the right to fight for fun. | ||
| He goes, yeah, I'm doing it for money. | ||
| I'm a professional, but I've earned the right to fight for fun. | ||
| He goes, I don't want to go play golf. | ||
| He goes, I don't want to go hiking. | ||
| I don't want to go hunting. | ||
| I don't want to go fishing. | ||
| He goes, I like fighting. | ||
| He goes, I like the camaraderie that comes. | ||
| We're preparing for a big fight. | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| But I love the way he said it. | ||
| You know, it's like very honest and refreshing. | ||
| And it's true. | ||
| He has earned it. | ||
| Ken Shamrock's goddamn all-time great. | ||
| He's a legend. | ||
| Hall of Famer. | ||
| And he had some fucking great technique back in the day, man. | ||
| Ken Shamrock, man. | ||
| Go to the early UFC when he tapped Pat Smith and fucked his leg up with that heel hook. | ||
| Ken Shamrock's a monster. | ||
| Dropped down for that heel hook. | ||
| Pat Smith had no idea what the fuck was going on. | ||
| He was fighting in Japan, right? | ||
| Way before. | ||
| Fought in Pancreas. | ||
| Yeah, he fought a bunch of... | ||
| We fought in Pride for a while. | ||
| He had some good fights in Pride, man. | ||
| Ken Shamrock had some... | ||
| He was developing some pretty decent stand-up. | ||
| Remember that fight where the PD, my heart, he had something going on with his heart. | ||
| His heart was beating too fast in one of his fights. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| He stopped the fight. | ||
| I think it was Fujita. | ||
| But he was putting it on him before that. | ||
| I was really impressed with his striking. | ||
| Like, Ken Shamrock doesn't get enough credit because he fought Tito Ortiz when he was already, you know, past his prime and his knee was fucked up when he fought Tito. | ||
| The first time he fought Tito, he basically didn't have an ACL. Wow. | ||
| Like, he was fucked up. | ||
| I was at that fight with you. | ||
| And Eddie. | ||
| After the fight, it was crazy. | ||
| Like, you know, Tito was still mad at him and Ken said to him, he was just real honest about it. | ||
| He goes, hey, man, we made some money. | ||
| You know, we made some money. | ||
| Let's let it go. | ||
| You won. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| And he gave him a hug and, like, you could see Tito, like, noticeably calmed down. | ||
| You know, Tito was still mad even after he kicked his ass because of all the trash talking. | ||
| Ken's like, but look, look what happened. | ||
| It's like, all this trash talk, we both made a lot of money. | ||
| It's over, you won. | ||
| Yeah, but then it rekindled. | ||
| That's very mellow about it. | ||
| Then it rekindled, though, the second time. | ||
| There's more money! | ||
|
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More money! | |
| Get some more money! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Get this money, son. | ||
| I remember you and I, we talked to Tito after that fight. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| A long time ago. | ||
| We went there. | ||
| Well, I ran into Ken at a diner at like 1 o'clock in the morning the night of the fight. | ||
| He was eating. | ||
| Night of the fight after? | ||
| I'm like, how do you do it? | ||
| Before it. | ||
| You know, it was into the morning. | ||
| It's 1 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| He's going to fight the next day. | ||
| And he's out at a diner. | ||
| And he was real. | ||
| He had been through so much. | ||
| He'd fought so many times. | ||
| 20 days. | ||
| He goes, hey, man. | ||
| He goes, it only hurts after it's over. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| That's great. | ||
| And he's like laughing about it. | ||
| He's like, so I'm going to go fight tomorrow. | ||
| Like, that was his attitude about it. | ||
| This is Mark Kerr and Dan Bobish. | ||
| Let's see if we can see the video of him putting his fucking cheek in his eye. | ||
| See, he got him in side control. | ||
| Beautiful back. | ||
| Look at the sides of this guy. | ||
| He certainly did. | ||
| And Dan Bobish is goddamn enormous. | ||
| Look at Bobish's legs. | ||
| So see the way he's grabbing his head with his arm? | ||
| So he gets on side control, and he gets on top of him. | ||
| Can you see it? | ||
| Did they have a good angle? | ||
| Poor production team back then. | ||
| Full mount. | ||
| Chin in the eyeball. | ||
| You can't see it in that angle, man. | ||
| Can't see it, I don't think. | ||
| I don't think they have a... | ||
| Well, if he goes to Mount here, we'll be able to see it. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That was the tap. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| But this is the full sequence. | ||
| Let's see it. | ||
| Look how strong he is. | ||
| He's like, bitch, you ain't going nowhere. | ||
| Mark Kerr back in the day. | ||
| I think Mark Kerr wrestled at 188 in college, too, by the way. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| He had a lot of creatine in his diet. | ||
| He certainly did. | ||
| He fought in pride, and he definitely didn't take steroids then, right? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| It'd be crazy to assume that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| That documentary was super brave. | ||
| Smashing machines? | ||
| Super brave of him. | ||
| I mean, he basically let them document his ascension into drug addiction. | ||
| And a lot of that came from fighting, like painkillers and shit he got addicted to. | ||
| It was everything. | ||
| Steroids, painkillers, like... | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I haven't seen that documentary. | ||
| It's good, huh? | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty good. | ||
| This is actually pretty fucking good technique here. | ||
| For the day. | ||
| For passing? | ||
| Yeah, hell yeah. | ||
| Kurt was a hell of a wrestler. | ||
| Big collegiate wrestler. | ||
| See, you can't really see it here, but he's got his chin in his fucking eyeball. | ||
| Look at him grab his eye. | ||
| Look at him grab his eye. | ||
|
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|
Damn. | |
| Look at him, see? | ||
|
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|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah, I remember that, man. | ||
| That was back in... | ||
| Look at the size of that motherfucker, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| God damn, that's a big man. | ||
| Yeah, because I said, you wrestled at 188? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I put a little Miracle-Gro on my cereal. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it was a different animal. | ||
| How's he doing now? | ||
| Not so good. | ||
| No? | ||
| He was selling cars for a while. | ||
| Lost a shit ton of weight. | ||
| He fought... | ||
| A few times since they got knocked out by King Mo, and he looked like really out of shit. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| King Mo smashed him in the first round. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Destroyed him. | |
| It was really not fun to watch. | ||
| It looked bad. | ||
| He went to sleep. | ||
| And you could tell he was in a bad spot. | ||
| And then he wound up retiring from MMA, sold some cars. | ||
| I don't know what he's doing now. | ||
| I hope he's doing well. | ||
| I hope so, too. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| He's always a good dude, but he definitely had his demons, man. | ||
| Like, a lot of those dudes. | ||
| I mean, you were talking about it. | ||
| You know, it hit you for a few months. | ||
| Those goddamn pain pills, man. | ||
| You can get... | ||
| Those demons can fucking haunt you. | ||
| You can get sucked in. | ||
| Dude, pain pills are the most dangerous drug in the world. | ||
| Hands down. | ||
| There's nothing more dangerous than prescription pills. | ||
| They're trying to slow that down. | ||
| They're trying to cut back in America. | ||
| I mean, they're starting to pass new legislation. | ||
| Too much money to be made. | ||
| When you say pain kills, you're talking about codeine, oxytocin, what? | ||
| All that. | ||
|
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|
Oxycontin. | |
| Oxycontin, oxytocin. | ||
| But the thing being, there's still so much profit, even if they cut back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's still overprescribing. | ||
| Too much money in them, man. | ||
| There's just too many. | ||
| I mean, I get the idea. | ||
| Like, what would you rather do if you had, like, severe pain all the time? | ||
| Would you rather be addicted to opiates and just deal with that pain and be fine? | ||
| Or would you rather be absolutely miserable and sober all day long? | ||
| And I think you have the right as an adult to choose to be fucked up on opiates. | ||
| Yeah, but there are Addicting. | ||
| You have to depend on them. | ||
| And then you also got to realize when you take painkillers, it sends a message to your body that says, oh, we're doing fine. | ||
| It's healed. | ||
| We don't need to send those receptors to heal the muscle or bone, whatever it is. | ||
| So you're fucked, man. | ||
| Or you could smoke marijuana. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Or you can eat marijuana. | ||
| You don't even have to smoke it. | ||
|
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|
Yeah, whichever. | |
| You can get that CBD oil that people are using to help tumors. | ||
| But it's crazy addictive, man. | ||
| Help inflammation. | ||
| Painkillers, you get stuck on them, you're in trouble. | ||
|
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|
You're in trouble. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They're going to come up with a way to heal injuries that they don't have today. | ||
| And we're going to look back at these days like it was the dark ages. | ||
| Like, you know how we look back at using leeches and shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You know, when they had to saw people's legs off and they broke. | ||
| They didn't have to put rods inside your bone. | ||
| Like Anderson Silva's leg. | ||
| Guess what, son? | ||
| We're going to have to take that sucker off. | ||
| They would do back then. | ||
| It would fester and rot. | ||
| They wouldn't know what to do with it. | ||
| You'd die most of the time for antibiotics? | ||
| They probably braced it and some people survived. | ||
| What are the odds of you getting both legs connected perfectly? | ||
| Both bones, rather. | ||
| His leg snapped in half. | ||
| I had an orthopedic surgeon tell me that if you're in the wilderness, somebody gets a compound fracture, I said, what are you doing? | ||
| He said, pull. | ||
| I said, what do you mean? | ||
| He said, Your bone wants to go back in place. | ||
| Take that ankle. | ||
| Pull it out. | ||
| Pull it out. | ||
| And the bone will reconnect. | ||
| And then splint it. | ||
| So you're just supposed to line it back up? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He said, pull that fucker right out. | ||
| And I went, oh! | ||
| And that's exactly what they do to you. | ||
| They will pull. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Do you ever see somebody, a doctor reset a shoulder when it comes out of the socket? | ||
| No, but I had a pretty significant break of my arm when I was a little kid. | ||
|
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|
Oof. | |
| I remember them setting. | ||
| It would freak me the fuck out. | ||
| My arm went like that. | ||
| Like it was like bent up. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| I fell on the monkey bars and I tried to block myself with my hand and my forearm just snapped. | ||
| It just went crack. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| Yeah, it happens a lot. | ||
| It happened to my daughter. | ||
| It happens a lot to kids. | ||
| A lot of kids. | ||
| My friend's daughter, it happened to. | ||
| Another kid that they're friends with happened to. | ||
| But when you're a kid, it's all good, right? | ||
| Because they're so young. | ||
| They heal so quick, it's amazing. | ||
| Their bones just go. | ||
| They just fuse up. | ||
| They take the cast off in three weeks. | ||
| They're soft. | ||
| Dude, they grow like wolves. | ||
| The thing is, with little kids, one of the big issues is not even the bone healing that quickly because it heals so quickly. | ||
| As long as it's set correctly, it heals very quickly. | ||
| But it's the stiffness. | ||
| You don't want to lose the range of motion. | ||
| So that's what my daughter had issues with. | ||
| She had to go through some range of motion stuff that takes a couple weeks before the motion comes back. | ||
| But you compare it to the way you would be if you broke your arm at 48. It would take a long fucking time. | ||
| It's rough, especially if you don't use help. | ||
| Which is one of the reasons why I was willing to forgive Anderson. | ||
| And I'm not forgiving Anderson. | ||
| He doesn't need my forgiveness. | ||
| I'm just saying one of the reasons why I go, look, man, I'm judging the dude before he fought Chris Weidman. | ||
| I'm judging him up to this point when he's 38 years old and he gets knocked dead by this young stud. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I go, that guy before that is the best ever. | ||
| And this guy is unfortunate. | ||
| The post-fail test is what sucks. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I can't speak about this because I know some shit that I'm not supposed to know or that's not out there yet. | ||
| And once it does get out there, then we can talk about it. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| But the person who told me about it... | ||
| Legit. | ||
| Legit. | ||
| And... | ||
| We don't have time. | ||
| We just move on. | ||
| This is one thing for sure. | ||
| For sure he took some shit he wasn't supposed to take to make his leg healed. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Can't explain... | ||
| There's a really goofy explanation. | ||
| I'll explain after the show. | ||
|
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|
Cool. | |
| But it'll all come out eventually. | ||
| Moving on. | ||
| How about Burt Watson? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That sucks, man. | ||
| I don't know what happened there, man. | ||
| I heard a couple different stories. | ||
| I've heard a story, but I'm just saying, we don't have to talk details. | ||
| It just sucks he's gone, man. | ||
| Yeah, he quit, apparently. | ||
| That's the word is that he quit. | ||
| He got in an altercation with someone or something. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| Or he'd just get tired of it, man. | ||
| The guy was traveling to fucking China and traveling to this place and that place in Brazil. | ||
| He was the manager of Joe Frazier. | ||
| Yeah, he's been around a long time. | ||
| Crazy, right? | ||
| And he's the nicest guy. | ||
| One of the best human beings you've ever met in your entire life. | ||
| One of the nicest guys ever. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| They don't make two Burt Watsons, ever. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Irreplaceable. | ||
| I gave him that nickname, Babyshit to the Stars. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, that was my nickname. | ||
| I used to say it when he got on stage, when he would get on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| He would say, Burt Watson, babysit to the stars. | ||
| Because that's what he does. | ||
| He babysits everybody. | ||
| He makes everybody's experience at the UFC smooth and easy. | ||
| He takes care of all your shit. | ||
| And so that when these fighters would fight, they would have this welcome feeling of being at home because Burt Watson was there to take care of everything. | ||
| You were talking about that. | ||
| When you'd see him, everything would be okay. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, when you're going to fight these monsters and you check into the fighter hotel and it's like chaos, there's fans, and then you see Burt and he's just like, what's up, baby? | ||
| Everything's smooth, makes you feel calm. | ||
| Even in the back of the locker room, don't leave it to the judges. | ||
| Like, before I fought Travis Brown, remember that? | ||
| Don't leave it to the judges, boss. | ||
| Don't leave it to the judges. | ||
| They made you cry last time, I told you. | ||
| And he talks to you, and there's this comfort level where... | ||
| I don't know if anyone else in the world could do it, man. | ||
| And he was so damn good at it. | ||
| He's a genuinely really nice guy. | ||
| Great human being. | ||
| So when he's doing that, you know, he's pumping everybody up. | ||
| That's his nature. | ||
| His nature is to pump you up to make you feel good. | ||
| He wants you to feel good when you see Bert Kreischer. | ||
| There's not a time that I saw that guy that I didn't give him a big giant hug. | ||
| Burt Kreischer are you talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| Burt Watson. | ||
| Burt Watson. | ||
| Who said Kreischer? | ||
| Did I say Kreischer? | ||
| Did I? I was like, yeah. | ||
| Well, he's another one I love. | ||
| I was like, that's probably a good guy, too. | ||
| He's going to be here tomorrow. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| But Burt Watson. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Burt Watson. | ||
| Burt Watson was the guy who... | ||
| He would make guys on the undercard feel like they were the main event. | ||
| You felt like you were literally the only guy fighting that night. | ||
| Like, he was just amazing. | ||
| But every time you would see him, you would hug him. | ||
| Just like, that's what... | ||
| He was just such a sweet guy. | ||
|
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|
Those intangibles. | |
| Those intangibles. | ||
| Some people just have that... | ||
| That quality, that sort of... | ||
| Well, you know what the problem is, man? | ||
| It seems like a job that other people could do. | ||
| So it says, like, you know, maybe sometimes people don't appreciate... | ||
| I think you'd be surprised. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It seems like it. | ||
| When you look at it. | ||
| Like, what's he doing that's so important? | ||
| You know, like, why is this guy... | ||
| Why is he getting all this attention? | ||
| You can't write it down on paper. | ||
|
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|
Like, some people would look at it that way. | |
| No, you can't. | ||
| What he does, you can't, like... | ||
| There's not a job description. | ||
| Okay, oh, you deal with divas and you deal with some of the toughest guys on the planet, and you make sure their week is smooth. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah, I can do that. | ||
| I'm telling you, man, it's gonna be a beast. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I think other people probably could do it, but no one's gonna replace him. | ||
| He is his own unique individual, and he's a beautiful guy to be around. | ||
| I just think that's worth something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I would've never let the guy quit. | ||
| Some people have a weird... | ||
| This guy, we used to train American Bulldogs for attack training. | ||
| And he had this dog on a leash called Axe, and we went and saw all those dogs because at the time I was thinking about buying an American Bulldog. | ||
| And he said, you can't go near that dog over there. | ||
| I said, okay. | ||
| He goes, yeah, he's by train. | ||
| He's a mean boy and everything. | ||
| And then they were talking about how there was a guy who just could walk up to every single dog he had in that whole lot, and he had a bunch of them. | ||
| And at one point, Axe was just the only person that Axe lets near him is this dude. | ||
| And they didn't tell him not to go up to Axe. | ||
| And he walked up to Axe. | ||
| And the next thing you know, he saw the guy get down on his knees and open his arms and hug Axe. | ||
| And Axe was wagging. | ||
| Axe didn't rip his throat. | ||
| He just had a thing with dogs. | ||
| That's Bird, man. | ||
| Yeah, same thing. | ||
| Some people just have a... | ||
| I wonder if it's a... | ||
| They're retarded. | ||
| The dog recognizes they're too stupid to know any better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the dog doesn't bite their face off. | ||
| God, man. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| When I was going to do a movie a long time ago, I can't remember the name of the movie. | ||
| It actually got released. | ||
| And it was about a French soldier in the desert who meets a leopard. | ||
| And they have... | ||
| Defected by a woman named Lavinia Currier. | ||
| And I had a meeting with her and she said, well, we're looking for an actor. | ||
| The only issue is that the leopard will either like you or it won't like you. | ||
| If it doesn't like you, it'll never like you. | ||
| If it likes you, you'll be fine. | ||
| And that was a huge part of getting cast in the role. | ||
| And I said, what is it? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| How does it know? | ||
| How does it know? | ||
| And she said, we don't know. | ||
| It's maybe a scent or however you move, but it likes you. | ||
| You get the part. | ||
| Yeah, so getting the part's one thing, and then you have to go through the leopard test. | ||
| Oh, fucking Christ. | ||
| I was like, very interesting. | ||
| Did you go through the leopard test? | ||
| No, I sure didn't. | ||
| I didn't get the part. | ||
| Not that good in acting. | ||
| So what were you thinking when he gets on his knees in front of the dog? | ||
| I'm sorry? | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| I was just told the story. | ||
| I don't like those stories that you weren't there for. | ||
| Don't tell those. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Tell another guy's story. | ||
| Yeah, those are not good. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because they might be bullshit. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate those stories. | |
| No, because somebody else was there. | ||
| You're freaking me out, man. | ||
| Yeah, but it might have been exaggerated. | ||
| The dog might have been super friendly. | ||
| I saw a video. | ||
| It was a wiener dog, so there's no threat at all. | ||
| I went over my friend's house, and they're like, yeah, everybody's like, oh, his dog's scary. | ||
| I'm like, why, because it's a German Shepherd. | ||
| It's a friendly dog. | ||
| Comes over, wagging his tail. | ||
| Everyone thinks Pitbull's a scary dog. | ||
| Well, you and I were talking about the difference between a liar and an exaggerator, right? | ||
| Yeah, you just took me down a journey where you don't know if you have no veracity. | ||
| You're Brian Williams of the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it! | |
| Do you see the meme of Brian Williams saying he escaped one of Ronda Rouse's arm bars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| That guy's fucked, huh? | ||
| He's only out six months, man. | ||
| What the fuck ever? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Dude, it's over, son. | ||
| You think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Fuck yes! | ||
| You guys are crazy. | ||
| America, forget them. | ||
| Don't do a press conference. | ||
| Yeah, because no one can do that. | ||
| Listen, if I wanted to be a fucking newscaster tomorrow, if it wasn't for my checkered past, if I wanted to do it tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ain't doing it. | |
| Tomorrow. | ||
| This is a clean record. | ||
| There's way too many endorsements of illegal drugs of mine online. | ||
| Also, you and I are friends. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| If you found out I told a major lie like that. | ||
| Like that dog story of the Taekwondo. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| I mean, I've told a lot of stories. | ||
| But if you... | ||
| If you found out that I was just a liar, there's a big difference, man. | ||
| That's where you go. | ||
| I've got to reassess everything now. | ||
| Brian Williams is doing it for ratings. | ||
| There's a lot of competition out there, and he went, yeah, I was in this helicopter. | ||
| He heard of a helicopter crash, and he just put himself on. | ||
| He didn't need the ratings. | ||
| He didn't need ratings. | ||
| I think you're giving him too much credit. | ||
| I think you're saying that he's like, this is a calculated move. | ||
| But that's stupid. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because the true story is still awesome. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Here's the true story. | ||
| The true story, he's in a helicopter. | ||
| There's a helicopter convoy of three helicopters. | ||
| The one in front of him gets hit with an RPG. They have to force land in a fucking sandstorm, and they're stuck in the sandstorm for two days. | ||
| That story's awesome, and that story's true. | ||
| That's a true story. | ||
| No, it's not, though. | ||
| What you're missing is... | ||
| Is he was three and a half hours behind the one they hit with RPGs. | ||
| But this is what the pilot said. | ||
| The pilot said that's not the case. | ||
| The pilot said they landed an hour late because they had to get rid of their cargo. | ||
| They had a full load of cargo. | ||
| They landed, they got rid of their cargo, and then they met up with the other helicopter that got hit by the RPG. That's why they were an hour behind it. | ||
| That's a dope story then. | ||
| But this is what the guy says. | ||
| They were all in a convoy. | ||
| And the helicopter pilot even said that the helicopter that Brian Williams was on took small arms fire. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Then when he landed, or then when he told his story, two other people came out and said, no, they were the guys that were flying Brian Williams around, and he didn't fly him around. | ||
| And so he's like, you know what? | ||
| I don't even know anymore. | ||
| He said, I have suppressed this so much, and this is a guy who's a totally legit guy, and he said, I'm starting to get nightmares again, and I had already put this behind me. | ||
| Now you're making me relive this experience from 12 years ago, and I'm starting to question my own memory. | ||
| Which is super common in traumatic situations. | ||
| Like, for Brian Williams, let's be real. | ||
| I don't know that dude, but I guarantee you he's a pussy. | ||
| I guarantee you... | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He's never been in a fight in his life. | ||
| The way he apologized, the way... | ||
| I mean, this... | ||
| I mistakenly told... | ||
| I conflated the two stories. | ||
| Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. | ||
| That's not the way a goddamn man apologizes for fucking up. | ||
| What he should have done was instead of doing it that way where you're in some constricted time of 15 seconds they allot you to try to clear your name, you should do it on a YouTube video. | ||
| You should put a goddamn camera in front of you and as long as it takes to get your full thoughts out about how this possibly could have happened or that you did lie or what it was or that you got caught up in it and somebody repeated it and you almost forgot because you kept telling the story. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| The actual story is pretty goddamn good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At least according to the helicopter pilot. | ||
| The helicopter pilot said that his... | ||
| And then the helicopter pilot came out the next day and said he's not even sure of his own memory. | ||
| And so he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. | ||
| Which is that guy's fucking prerogative, right? | ||
| So what do you think should happen to Brian Williams? | ||
| You don't think he should... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never! | |
| It's over! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Get out of here with your news! | ||
| You're not telling me the news. | ||
| You're a bullshit artist. | ||
| You lied. | ||
| Yes, do something else, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You lied. | |
| Go host a talk show. | ||
| Go host a talk show. | ||
| You think he's the first one ever to lie? | ||
| No, but you can't get caught. | ||
| You can't get caught as a news liar. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He's the face of NBC News! | ||
| Okay, how about this? | ||
| What if you found out that a dude was pitching for the World Series and he got paid off by some gambling organization to throw the game? | ||
| Would you ever trust that guy to fucking pitch a legit game again? | ||
| Would you ever? | ||
| No, but Anderson Silva told me he didn't take steroids. | ||
| He's still your number one guy. | ||
| But Brian Williams can't tell the news these days? | ||
| I think it's fundamentally different. | ||
| Anderson Silva, at the end of his career, definitely did take steroids. | ||
| It's also different, though. | ||
| It was when he had a broken leg, and he's 39 years old. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You heal slow as fuck, and I'm with you. | ||
| I get it, man. | ||
| You shouldn't do it. | ||
| It's totally illegal. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| What I'm saying is, when I say Anderson's the best of all time, I'm not taking away his previous accomplishments because he fucked up when he was 39 years old. | ||
| What I'm saying is, if I look at him in his prime, from Chris Lieben all the way to Vitor Belfort to fucking Stefan Bonner, if I look at his fights, Dan Henderson... | ||
| And we assume he's clean. | ||
| We assume he's clean. | ||
| We do not know. | ||
| We obviously don't know. | ||
| We do not know. | ||
| I'm not saying he did anything. | ||
| If he really was clean, I give him the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| He never failed a test. | ||
| And I say that he was the best ever. | ||
| So Brian Williams had this one mess up. | ||
| I also give Fedor the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| But Fedor has more benefit because Fedor never tested positive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| Even though he was in a dirty league. | ||
| I mean, we could call it a dirty league, right? | ||
| Pride. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| 100%, right? | ||
| Amazing fighters. | ||
| When we say dirty, we don't mean it disrespectfully. | ||
| It was the environment that they were competing in. | ||
| I say awesome. | ||
| So Fedor has way more benefit than doubt because he never tested positive, but yet wasn't even tested until he came to Strikeforce. | ||
| Bro, all I'm saying is, so Brian Williams basically tested positive for this one time. | ||
| No, hold on. | ||
| So we're just going to assume all of it's bullshit? | ||
| No, it's not that. | ||
| You trust Brian Williams to deliver information. | ||
| He is a journalist. | ||
| People tell him to deliver. | ||
| A journalist's credibility and an organization's credibility is everything when it comes to the news. | ||
| When you're a journalist and you have a story, you have to have, I think, depending on where you're at, they cross-check your You've got to get very, very good sources, and I think an editorial board has to okay it. | ||
| That's why we trust the news. | ||
| In my opinion, when someone like Brian Williams lies, and he blatantly lied, and it was a self-aggrandizement. | ||
| It was about making himself look not only like a sympathetic character, but a grandiose character. | ||
| He exaggerated. | ||
| It's more than an exaggeration. | ||
| It's a lie. | ||
| It's an absolute blatant lie. | ||
| And everybody uses these euphemisms. | ||
| And like, well, he wasn't forthcoming. | ||
| No, it's okay that you lied. | ||
| I forgive you as a lie. | ||
| What if he's dumb as fuck and he really thought that he was in the helicopter that got hit by the grenade? | ||
| He might have been like, oh shit. | ||
| Too bad though, right? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But what if it's like the O.J. Simpson thing? | ||
| People thought that O.J. Simpson literally believed at the end of his time as a free man that he hadn't killed his wife. | ||
| There's people that knew him that had said this in interviews. | ||
| They said, I really believe that he doesn't believe he killed her. | ||
| Like, he got it in his head. | ||
| Like, he twisted his brain up. | ||
| Technically, he didn't, though. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| But not civilly. | ||
| The civil lawsuit... | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But the courts have recognized that too, right? | ||
| They recognize that's the degree of mental delusion or whatever it is. | ||
| All I'm saying, Brian Williams shouldn't be out of a job for lying. | ||
| I don't want to hurt the guy. | ||
| I don't think he should be banned for news. | ||
| Let's be honest about this. | ||
| First of all, he made a dossier of Brian Williams' lies, investigating his suspense accounts. | ||
| Okay, there you go. | ||
| He's done. | ||
| If they're doing that, what's the date on that again? | ||
| Last month. | ||
| Wait, so he's lied more than once? | ||
| Then he's screwed. | ||
| But that's how it always is. | ||
| That's how it always is. | ||
| I thought maybe you just exaggerated this one time. | ||
| People don't do it that way. | ||
| That's not human behavior. | ||
| When somebody steals money from you, they go in and they take money. | ||
| I promise you, they got a history of it. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| You don't know the situation. | ||
| You don't know if they're stealing money. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Sometimes there can be an exception. | ||
| We don't know his situation. | ||
| If he's desperate for money, I can understand that. | ||
| I'm just saying that typically when people behave a certain way and they get caught, they've probably done something like that in the past. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| I don't think you know the situation. | ||
| It's very possible that he hasn't. | ||
| But if they do have a dossier of lies on him, then your suspicions have kind of been confirmed. | ||
| Yeah, he's screwed. | ||
| Yeah, he's fucked. | ||
| But it's also, it doesn't mean that he can't work. | ||
| And by the way, he was making $10 million a year. | ||
| He's just fine. | ||
| He's making a lot of fucking money. | ||
| That guy's going to be fine. | ||
| I really don't give a shit if my newscasters are crystal clean. | ||
| Oh, you're crazy, man. | ||
| I don't want that to bully. | ||
| It's going to make you angry. | ||
| You're going to watch this puppet, this fucking state-run puppet. | ||
| All of them are puppets. | ||
| But they're not. | ||
| They're not all puppets. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| Brennan, he makes $10 million because you trust him. | ||
| Because he's a face of credibility. | ||
| The reason Brian Williams made $10 million a year is because he was the face of NBC News. | ||
| And when you brought him into your living room, like everybody did, what happened was you do that because when you get news from him, you believe it. | ||
| That's why you're watching the news. | ||
| You're not watching fiction. | ||
| I didn't trust him from the get-go. | ||
| I don't assume these are world-class, great Americans deliver us to the news. | ||
| You're a dummy for basically a corporation. | ||
| We're telling you what to say. | ||
| You exaggerate. | ||
| That's not how the news is. | ||
| You're also being simplistic about this. | ||
| Okay, but he's not really. | ||
| Because all Brian Williams' credentials... | ||
| I mean, what does he need to be able to do that you can't do? | ||
| Or that you can't do? | ||
| Or that I can't do? | ||
| I'm not good at reading off telepompters. | ||
| There's evidence online. | ||
| I know what you mean. | ||
| But that's all he has to do. | ||
| He's telegenic, right? | ||
| You get used to doing that. | ||
| He looks like someone's dad. | ||
| He's a good height. | ||
| He's got good facial structure. | ||
| There's a reason for that. | ||
| That's what they hire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His speech. | ||
| But he's not particularly a brilliant guy. | ||
| I had a conversation off the record once. | ||
| I won't say the guy's name, but he's one of those news guys. | ||
| And I was shocked at how dumb he seemed. | ||
| Like, we were having a conversation about, and I questioned him on a couple of things. | ||
| We were just, like, throwing some, you know, just shooting the shit back and forth. | ||
| And I forget what came up or what the subject was, but I remember thinking, this guy, he's not that bright. | ||
| What was he? | ||
| Was he hesitant, or what was it? | ||
| Clumsy. | ||
| Clumsy. | ||
| Like, clumsy in his thinking. | ||
| I can't really tell you what it is, because then you'll know who the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| He's not a bad guy. | ||
| My favorite is Anderson Cooper. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| But, you know, look. | ||
| Anderson Cooper is another one. | ||
| He's on television. | ||
| Well, Williamson was considered by people, I've only read this, I don't know, and I can't give you examples. | ||
| He was recognized by a lot of people who wrote about this afterwards as a pretty good journalist that got him to where he was, got him to be an anchor of NBC. He was a credible journalist who did good work, who wrote good articles and did good investigation. | ||
| And that's why it was such a bummer for so many people. | ||
| By a lot of accounts, I don't give a shit. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Other accounts, it's not true. | ||
| There's other people that said he was an asshole, that he was pretentious. | ||
| I mean, who the fuck knows? | ||
| Whenever something like this happens, you're going to get bullshit on both directions. | ||
| But all I know is... | ||
| We don't really need those guys. | ||
| We don't need someone that's a credible voice. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| We need information. | ||
| That's what we need. | ||
| And it's almost worse when it comes from a personality, especially if we think that personality could potentially be manipulated. | ||
| It's that charismatic father figure that's reading you the news. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's kind of creepy in a way. | ||
| But a free, honest, and open press and knowing that you can trust the information you get, say, from the New York Times because they work very hard at making sure at least that the stories or the information, not the stories or the slant, but the information presented. | ||
| So, for example, somebody gets shot, a 12-year-old gets shot. | ||
| We know that's true. | ||
| We're not going to say they're making that up. | ||
| There has to be a certain amount of... | ||
| Non-cynical trust in a society where we just give people the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| But you can't go through life believing that CNN and Dateline is the best source of news and they have no hidden motivation. | ||
| Well, they certainly do. | ||
| But here's the other part of the problem. | ||
| The format is incredibly flawed and antiquated. | ||
| The format of getting the entire world's news in an hour with 18 minutes of commercials is ridiculous. | ||
| You can't get it that way. | ||
| Because they're going to pick and choose the things that are exciting. | ||
| It's an entertainment show about events. | ||
| That's what it really is. | ||
| It's an entertaining show about events. | ||
| And that's why you have this asshole with a tie who speaks like your girlfriend's father. | ||
| Like, oh, this fucking guy again. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, this is who he is. | ||
| And there's a reason Kim Kardashian posting a selfie, signing a deal for $100 million is the start of the news. | ||
| That's the catcher. | ||
| If it bleeds, it leads. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| And there's no doubt that political leanings by journalists bleed into the news. | ||
| I think we give them too much credit. | ||
| I don't assume they're good people. | ||
| It's a shitty way to get information. | ||
| That's not how any of us should get information. | ||
| They shouldn't have it anymore. | ||
| It was important back in the day when they didn't have fucking reading. | ||
| They would get on TV and you'd read your newspaper in the morning and then in the afternoon you would listen to the news or you would watch the news. | ||
| It became on television. | ||
| We are at war with Japan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Did you hear on the news? | ||
| We're in Japan. | ||
| Now you would get Twitter alerts like way before that shit would happen. | ||
| When you see Walter Cronkite back in the day, it was just very matter-of-fact. | ||
| He got on and read the news. | ||
| And one of the things, there's a famous story I think about, the guy who ran 60 Minutes. | ||
| And he came in and he said, good news and bad news. | ||
| Good news is, got very high ratings last night. | ||
| Bad news is, we got very high ratings last night. | ||
| And the news will never be the same. | ||
| So in other words, we now have a lot of pressure to get ratings. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Sensationalize things. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Focus on what's wrong, not what's right, self-fear, all these things. | ||
| Well, not only that, it's a disproportionate and non-accurate view of the world. | ||
| Because by only focusing on these negative things and not focusing on the Fucking hundreds of millions of positive things that are happening all the time all over the world. | ||
| You're getting this distorted version of reality that threatens people and makes people alert and react to stress. | ||
| You're reacting to danger. | ||
| A sense of fear all the time. | ||
| I feel like ISIS lives next door. | ||
| And more importantly, let the guy fucking rant about ISIS. Jesus Christ, you just can't stop. | ||
| He's trying! | ||
| He's trying to do some comedy here, and you're just tripping all over like you're not listening. | ||
| No, you got this, man. | ||
| Carry on. | ||
| What's going on about ISIS in fucking Marina del Rey? | ||
| You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, about my uncle. | ||
| No, I was going to say that what I think the damage done is that you don't get any real information. | ||
| I was having a conversation with somebody who really knows the Middle East, and they were like, nobody ever talks about the biggest problem with two things. | ||
| First of all, the Middle East is the Sunni-Shia schism, the idea that you start there. | ||
| We don't even know where to start with the debate. | ||
| We start talking about ISIS. We start talking about the problems that bother us, and we don't actually really know where the source of the problem is. | ||
| We don't know how it started, because you don't get it from what you were saying. | ||
| Well, you get it from CNN and Dateline, and you assume this guy's the... | ||
| You're not supposed to. | ||
| It used to be you had to wait for the news to come out. | ||
| You had to get a newspaper, and then you got alerted to the important stories in the radio or on the news on television. | ||
| We don't need that anymore. | ||
| It's just antiquated. | ||
| And it's dangerous because it gives you a version of the world that's not entirely accurate. | ||
| It's very slanted because that's what you're scared of, so that's what you'll tune into, so that's what they can sell. | ||
| Advertising, hey, we scared the fuck out of 100 people. | ||
| Did you see Nightcrawler? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's fucking excellent. | ||
| No, so dope. | ||
| It's excellent. | ||
| And it's all about this. | ||
| Nightcrawler is all about this. | ||
| First of all, Jake Gyllenhaal is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| How did he not win a... | ||
| He should have won an award. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| I think awards are stupid. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| He's just excellent. | ||
| It's an excellent move. | ||
| It's really, really, really, really well done. | ||
| And a dope-ass Dodge Challenger makes an appearance. | ||
| Isn't that sweet? | ||
| Yeah, it's not even Hellcats. | ||
| When he starts balling. | ||
| It's SRT. Yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Once he starts balling, he gets a nice red Challenger with black stripes. | ||
| To get there faster? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I love how he talks to his sidekick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| He's like, Jeremy, if you want... | ||
| Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't spoil it. | ||
| He's never gonna see it. | ||
| He's never gonna see it. | ||
| But folks that are listening, there's people listening. | ||
| Oh, my bad. | ||
| Oh, I'm a spoiler alert. | ||
| And I see every movie. | ||
| He ruined my... | ||
| I ruin shit for people. | ||
| Yeah, you ruined my time when I go, don't tell me about the fights. | ||
| Whatever you do, don't tell me about the fights. | ||
| I'm just disappointed. | ||
| 14 seconds, that's all I'm gonna say. | ||
| It pisses me off when he misses the fight, so I text him all the results. | ||
| He's actually an asshole. | ||
| You know, that's part of your job, is to pay attention to MMA. I'm aware of that. | ||
| And when he doesn't see it, I'm like, fuck that noise. | ||
| I'm aware of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I tape it. | |
| I tape it. | ||
| I'm taping his defensive stance. | ||
| I'm aware of it. | ||
| He's a fucking cobra. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's bracing for impact. | |
| Because I get mad. | ||
| I'm like, Brennan, don't tell me anything. | ||
| We're on our way to play volleyball. | ||
| I go, don't tell me anything. | ||
| He goes, Cain Velasquez ends up winning. | ||
| He punches him in the face. | ||
| I got to discipline you, man. | ||
| I got to teach you. | ||
| He runs through the whole thing. | ||
| How do you not know? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're out there in the wild? | ||
| Yeah, dude, my workouts are at night a lot of times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, what do you do? | |
| You run the beach? | ||
| Think about death? | ||
| No, I do the Alexander Emelyenko workout, not the Fedor one. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| Just a lot of back work and crime. | ||
| A lot of back work. | ||
| Chin ups and crime. | ||
| Just crime. | ||
| Just do crime. | ||
| Damn you! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about Brendan's part? | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's got a goddamn full head of hair. | ||
| If I had that much hair, I'd do weird shit with it, too. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| Because I've been taking a break from training, and I haven't grown my hair out since I was in... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| So for me to be able to grow it out... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a cutie pie, huh? | |
| Because you can't have a really hairstyle and train a ton. | ||
| Putting gel in your hair would feel like a... | ||
| Dude, I know you had a neck injury for a while. | ||
| This dude does rolfing, and he's got this fucking crazy metal piece that's wrapped in a soft plastic, like a thin sheet of plastic around it. | ||
| So it's semi-soft on the outside, but underneath it's iron, steel, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And he breaks up scar tissue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| That shit hurts. | ||
| Doggy! | ||
| Okay, so now here's my question. | ||
| You're a beast if you can sit through that. | ||
| I had it done on my hamstring once. | ||
| I get it done once a month. | ||
| Or once a week, rather. | ||
| Dang, you're a gangster. | ||
| Not once a month. | ||
| Once a week. | ||
| You know what's weird? | ||
| Is people be like, oh, Shab, your neck hurts, and I'll... | ||
| This is my fault. | ||
| I'll have random people like, let me see it. | ||
| And I'll just sit down. | ||
| And they start cracking it. | ||
| This random girl was grabbing my neck. | ||
| She's like, your ribs out. | ||
| Your ribs out. | ||
| I'm sitting there. | ||
| Her weight's on my shoulder, pushing on my head. | ||
| I'm thinking, I don't know this woman. | ||
| I let her do it. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| But what do we know? | ||
| You know a lot about this stuff. | ||
| What do we know about, like, so my lower back hurts. | ||
| Is that a function of inflammation? | ||
| Well, here's the deal. | ||
| You don't know until you get an MRI. You need to get an MRI. Okay. | ||
| I got an MRI recently because I wanted to get a look at my back, know exactly what's going on, and everything's cool. | ||
| Just some disc degeneration, minor disc degeneration, a little bit of soreness and inflammation. | ||
| There's really nothing you can do for that, though. | ||
| No, not much you can do. | ||
| So it's all fine. | ||
| Like, it's fine to push myself. | ||
| But you've got to know that you're fine to push yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I mean, how bad's your back? | ||
| No, I'm fine. | ||
| But if you don't, you say that, but if you don't know, it's just guessing. | ||
| Like, people that have sciatica, they keep going, oh, my sciatic nerve. | ||
| Well, do you know what that is? | ||
| That's a... | ||
| Bulging disc that's pushing on your nerve. | ||
| You're making it look like your nerve is acting weird. | ||
| No, your nerve is being squashed by your fucking, the soft shit in between your bones and your spine is pushing against your fucking nerve. | ||
| Like, that's serious shit. | ||
| And people that ignore that or try to work through it, like, you can fuck yourself up. | ||
| I know three dudes that have had significant neck surgery because of impinged nerves where it was causing atrophy to their muscles. | ||
| Three dudes very close. | ||
| Guys from my gym. | ||
| I know one dude that can't do jujitsu anymore. | ||
| Can't roll, can't do anything. | ||
| It's a fine line though. | ||
| Like a lot of guys, they'll be messed up and like, nah, I'm not going to see a doctor. | ||
| And then now, you know, with the UFC insurance policy, I'm like, damn, my wrist hurts. | ||
| I get an x-ray. | ||
| I'm like, damn, my nose hurts. | ||
| I get an x-ray. | ||
| You should do that. | ||
| You're a fucking professional fighter, man. | ||
| The people at the UFC must be like, fucking shop, man. | ||
| What's wrong with me? | ||
| He jammed his thumb. | ||
| Hey, look, man. | ||
| You're not the only one. | ||
| A lot of dudes are doing that, and they should. | ||
| They should. | ||
| That is a giant part of what you do for a living. | ||
| They probably have awards. | ||
| You gotta know. | ||
| Behind our backs. | ||
| You gotta know whether or not it's serious or not. | ||
| Biggest pussy of the year. | ||
| Big Brown. | ||
| They're silly. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| Look, this is what you do. | ||
| That's antagonistic sort of relationship with people when they have injuries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a very fucking tricky thing to be. | ||
| It's weird though, man, because back in the day, it's like, oh, I want to be tough. | ||
| And it's my own ego. | ||
| When I have to call my manager and be like, dude, I gotta get MRI or I gotta get my neck checked out. | ||
| It takes usually three or four weeks for me to talk myself into... | ||
| Getting the doctor. | ||
| Because it's like this ego thing where you're like, God, I want to be a bitch, man. | ||
| Like, like, like, like Mitch Rowe was in town. | ||
| He's like, you want to train? | ||
| I really can't go real hard wrestling right now. | ||
| I want to with him and Barnett. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just can't. | ||
| And so I was like, I'm busy, man. | ||
| Well, that's smart, man. | ||
| When dudes try to ignore pain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| There's a lot of dudes that try to ignore pain. | ||
| Their bodies wind up falling apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| We had John Wayne Parr on and he was talking about Ramone Deckers. | ||
| Ramone Deckers, they got him to a point where they fused his fucking ankle to his shin bone because he had broken it so many times. | ||
| Just full power kicks. | ||
| He would kick so fucking hard and smash into Elbows and knees and shins. | ||
| And he shattered his ankle so many times from his right kick that they had to fuse it. | ||
| So he would hobble when he walked and he would tape that fucker up and get in there. | ||
| And they told him, they're like, you can't kick with this or we're going to have to fucking amputate your leg if you break it again. | ||
| And he would wait a little while fighting in the southpaw and he'd say, you know what? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Switch stances and ha! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Just start attacking with it again. | ||
| Dude, fused! | ||
| That's a bad motherfucker right there. | ||
| His fucking ankle didn't bend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's still ha! | |
| Ha! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just fucking kicking him. | |
| Yeah, he passed away, right? | ||
| At 43. Oh, no. | ||
| Died of a heart attack at 43. Oh, boy. | ||
| Riding a bike, apparently. | ||
| He was one of the all-time great kickboxers. | ||
| Oh, phenomenal. | ||
| If you don't know who he is, research. | ||
| That's a compromise against your arteries. | ||
| Ramon Deckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| He was good. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Dude, Ramon Dagger. | ||
| Just savage. | ||
| So aggressive. | ||
| And he was a Dutch guy, but the Dutch people were very big. | ||
| The average height for a Dutch man is six feet tall. | ||
| Tallest people in Europe. | ||
| Yeah, the tallest people in Europe. | ||
| And a lot of big... | ||
| And he was little. | ||
| So he had to be tough. | ||
| And he was one of the first guys to go over to Thailand and beat the Thais in Thai boxing. | ||
| Think about how tough he is. | ||
| Your ankles fuse to your fucking leg, man. | ||
| Your ankle. | ||
| Yeah, your foot and your knee and your ankle. | ||
| All the way down is one piece. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| Don't use it. | ||
| Don't use it and then gets in a fight and fucking uses it. | ||
| It's definitely a guy who doesn't know what to do with his time. | ||
| He's just not going to quit. | ||
| He might have to amputate your leg because you've shattered your bones so many times. | ||
| I've got to be honest, I'm just not that tough. | ||
| I'm like, ah, cool, man. | ||
| Ha! | ||
| Ha! | ||
| It's kind of how I feel about Madonna at 56 showing her ass off, like an old fighter who won't quit. | ||
| Just take a look at this! | ||
| I won't give up! | ||
| How dare you make that comparison? | ||
| He fucked the whole thing up with the Eddie Murphy Shrek thing. | ||
| Yeah, but this might be just as bad. | ||
| Madonna's an oddity at this point. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| When people go to see her, it's an oddity. | ||
| She's a 60-year-old woman in her underwear who's dancing around with a bunch of gay guys following her everywhere she goes and hanging on her every word. | ||
| She got yanked off stage the other day. | ||
| Why I know that, I don't know. | ||
| I think fucking Brian Williams told me. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| She was dancing. | ||
| The thing was supposed to yank the cape off, but it got her neck. | ||
| It yanks this bitch right off the stage. | ||
| Is there a video of that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, we've got to see that. | ||
| Play it for us. | ||
| Play it again, Jamie. | ||
| She gets decapitated. | ||
| She'll be 80 showing her body off. | ||
| You best believe that dude got fired. | ||
| Whoever made that cape, fired. | ||
| He's probably dead. | ||
| Yeah, he's probably dead. | ||
| He's probably dead. | ||
| She probably beat him to death. | ||
| Remember when Madonna beat someone to death with a hammer, and you see the body just scooting out the back. | ||
| It was like the 1930s. | ||
| Just a little hammer. | ||
| It was the 1930s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| She just had a carpenter's hammer. | ||
| Just fucking impaled her. | ||
| Oh, that's not good. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Let me see that again. | ||
| One more time, please. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bitch. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| She's old, dude. | ||
| When you fall like that and you're old, you could break a hip. | ||
| She got up, though. | ||
| She's walking up like a champ. | ||
| Oh my god, that's crazy. | ||
| Where was that? | ||
| She handled that really well. | ||
| By the way, she fell really well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a professional. | |
| She really did. | ||
| She could have got hurt. | ||
| Fuck that tailbone up because she has zero ass. | ||
| She could have got hurt. | ||
| She's got some muscle on her ass. | ||
| I was filming this movie with Kevin James, Zookeeper, in Boston. | ||
| We had a bike chasing scene. | ||
| We had a bike chasing scene. | ||
| And I kept hitting the front brakes on the bike because the front brakes were my left hand and the back brakes were my right hand. | ||
| And I'm riding this bike and I'm hitting him with this thing. | ||
| And I hit the front brakes and go flying over the handlebars on the concrete, like tumble into the grass. | ||
| I did it like three times. | ||
| So you did your own stunt in other words? | ||
| Yeah, I did all of it. | ||
| Well, there's one where a guy made a bike jump where it was a stuntman. | ||
| Where he had to ride down this hill and then hit this ramp and jump over this flight of stairs and land on the ground. | ||
| And he did that. | ||
| He was like a stunt jumper. | ||
| But all the other shit I did. | ||
| And they wanted to have a stunt guy Do the fall, because that's what would eventually happen. | ||
| He was supposed to jam his flag into my wheel, and then I go flying, and then he takes off. | ||
| But I fell so spectacularly that they used my actual fall in the actual movie. | ||
| Look at the body! | ||
| Let's see this! | ||
| Did you do a judo roll, or what happened? | ||
| Yeah, I just rolled. | ||
| Look at you! | ||
| Sick, man. | ||
| I think I rolled in one of them and one of them maybe. | ||
| I fell a bunch of times. | ||
| One of them was cool because I landed in the grass, like I hit the curb and went flying. | ||
| I got to see this movie. | ||
| I can't believe I haven't seen you. | ||
| Kevin James is a good dude, huh? | ||
| He's a very good dude. | ||
| He's a very, very, very good guy. | ||
| Dude, how about stuntmen? | ||
| They're fucking crazy, man. | ||
| Stuntmen are crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I have people tell me all the time. | ||
| I'd probably say once a week, dude, you should get into some stunt work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What are you fucking crazy? | ||
| Well, that's how boss hurt his neck. | ||
| One of the things I was going to get to is Boss, when he was on, I think, Sons of Anarchy, one of those shows, he did a stunt, and he's doing his own stunt work, and they landed him on his head. | ||
| And bang! | ||
| And he just fucked his neck up, and then he had to get his discs fused. | ||
| Didn't you have a friend who does stunt work, and he was in a coma for a grip, can't taste food anymore? | ||
| Yeah, he hit the back of his head and lost his sense of taste and smell and has never come back. | ||
| And his testosterone went vroom, so he had to go on... | ||
| But I was doing the Goldbergs, and this girl had to fall down on her, just fall on her back. | ||
| And I thought, and I said, she was a girl, and it was on a linoleum floor, like a real cafeteria floor. | ||
| And I said, how are you going to do that? | ||
| And she goes, just fall. | ||
| And I said, I know, but, and she just, boom, just hit. | ||
| And she did it five times. | ||
| No, she was a stuntwoman. | ||
| Five times. | ||
| And I said, how are you doing? | ||
| She goes, I'll be sore tomorrow. | ||
| She was falling. | ||
| I remember when I did Death Valley and I had to judo flip this giant guy, Joe Arnaz. | ||
| This guy, Joe Arnaz, who is... | ||
| Well, this was crazy. | ||
| This guy, Joe Arnaz, who's a giant stuntman on Death Valley. | ||
| And awesome. | ||
| Works all the time. | ||
| Just big, big judo guy. | ||
| And we had this... | ||
| Desk! | ||
| Like this thing, and he's a vampire. | ||
| He jumps on me, and I had to flip him over. | ||
| And I thought it was going to break away furniture. | ||
| It really wasn't break away furniture. | ||
| It was as hard as it gets. | ||
| And I just would throw him, and he would flip over me and throw him something and fall on his back. | ||
| He did it over and over. | ||
| Do they get paid well? | ||
| They get paid well, but not well enough. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| It depends on what you have to do. | ||
| I mean, if you have to do something like that, it's definitely not well enough. | ||
| Oftentimes they wear padding, and they do their best, but look, they're taking bumps no matter what, and their head's getting jostled around. | ||
| They're getting concussed. | ||
| Being dragged by a horse, they say, is the most dangerous. | ||
| Dude, fuck that! | ||
| And they have to do that for some fucking movies, man. | ||
| There's not much you can do about that. | ||
| You get dragged by a horse. | ||
| You've got to do it very specifically. | ||
| You've got to be really careful because they can't really stop the horse. | ||
| How do you control the horse? | ||
| You control it with another horse. | ||
| But you've got to let that horse go for a while. | ||
| And they spook the horse, the horse is trying to run, and you get dragged. | ||
| And that is they consider the most dangerous. | ||
| How about car shit? | ||
| When they're doing car chases and shit? | ||
| Can't be. | ||
| Guy in The Hangover 2 was never the same. | ||
| Someone was in a movie. | ||
| Oh, Jake Lillenhall. | ||
| They were saying that that fucking movie that was not CGI, when they did those car accidents in that movie, all the car accidents in Nightcrawler, I'm pretty sure it was him. | ||
| See, please Google that. | ||
| He was in too much crazy accidents. | ||
| What about the fucking high-speed chase? | ||
| I don't want to say anything more. | ||
| I'll say that one time, there was some serious shit. | ||
| Enough so that you're like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| This is real? | ||
| This is not CGI? Apparently, that was one of the things that the director wanted to do. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's the case in that movie. | ||
| I know people clown on Tom Cruise for kind of being a sissy, but he did all his own stunts in Mission Impossible, I heard. | ||
| When he hung from that building, that's pretty gangster. | ||
| He does his own driving stunts, too. | ||
| And running. | ||
| He's a powerful kid. | ||
| He did whatever the fuck that movie was that he did with Cameron Diaz. | ||
| He had some crazy movie with Cameron Diaz. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I like that movie. | ||
| End of Days? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's a great movie. | ||
| That's a great movie, too. | ||
| No, Edge of Tomorrow. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's very underrated. | ||
| That is a good movie. | ||
| That's a movie that almost suffers from him being too wacky. | ||
| I agree, man. | ||
| That's a beast of a movie. | ||
| Yeah, like if that movie was like someone else, like Will Smith, Will Smith's a little wacky too. | ||
| The Cameron Diaz one was Night and Day, right? | ||
| Yeah, Night and Day. | ||
| Good movie. | ||
| Yeah, if you, if like, who would have been, who would have, like, Tom Cruise killed it in that movie, by the way, Edge of Tomorrow. | ||
| He killed it. | ||
| Oh, he's so good. | ||
| Killed it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But if someone else did an equal job of killing it. | ||
| John Travolta. | ||
| Daniel Day-Lewis. | ||
| If Daniel Day-Lewis was in that movie. | ||
| He's too serious, though. | ||
| Too serious? | ||
| Way too serious. | ||
| For a fucking sci-fi, crazy movie. | ||
| That was a realistic sci-fi movie, though. | ||
| Yeah, it was good. | ||
| You know, I mean, it wasn't, like, so stupid. | ||
| You put that heartthrob from Thor in there. | ||
| That thing's going to do well. | ||
| That boy's a beast. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| Tom Cruise, I did a reading with him, and I took his body in. | ||
| I spent a good four hours with him. | ||
| Tom Cruise? | ||
| Just tiny. | ||
| I spent a good four hours with him. | ||
| Well, he'll tell you he was there. | ||
| We talked wrestling. | ||
| How tiny is he? | ||
| He's not as tall as I am, but he's very stout. | ||
| He's got wide center of gravity, thick hips, thick shoulders. | ||
| What's his dick taste like? | ||
| I'm glad you asked. | ||
| I would make out with him. | ||
| Would you make out with him? | ||
| If it all went down. | ||
| If you were like on a canopy, like under a canopy. | ||
| You gotta push me. | ||
| You gotta get me in the corner, don't you? | ||
| You drink wine together. | ||
| You gotta put me in a corner, don't you? | ||
| And you're playing a gay lover in a movie. | ||
| But in the movie, you don't ever make out. | ||
| But he wants to make out with you just one time, just so you could pretend. | ||
| Look, we're together. | ||
| We're gay lovers. | ||
| This is our movie. | ||
| After I did the reading, I see him six months later at this big hoity-toity party. | ||
| I talk to him for a Good hour? | ||
| Maybe an hour and a half? | ||
| Did you wake up when you passed down? | ||
| That means ten minutes. | ||
| I remember saying to myself... | ||
| An hour and a half? | ||
| That means five minutes? | ||
| That means he went... | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Tom Cruise is like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| He wants to have an hour and a half by himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's talking to Brian one-on-one for an hour and a half at a party? | |
| For an hour and a half? | ||
| Oh, I kept him there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know how long that is? | |
| Dude, I kept him there. | ||
| Are you lying a little bit, though? | ||
| I got a witness. | ||
| An hour and a half? | ||
| We'll ask Jeremy Piven, you tell him. | ||
| Anyway, he's got a funny story about it. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But we're sitting there talking for 15 minutes, and I remember looking at him going, and he was complimenting on my job I did in the reading. | ||
| And Jeremy goes, he said, you did a good job 13 times. | ||
| I said, 13? | ||
| He goes, yes. | ||
| I said, good. | ||
| So we talked for a long time. | ||
| We talked about kids, everything else. | ||
| And I remember thinking to myself, this is so lame. | ||
| And I was a grown man. | ||
| And I remember thinking to myself, I go... | ||
| I just really want to be his friend. | ||
| I hope he says, let's hang out again. | ||
| I remember saying, I would love to just... | ||
| I was so starstruck and I really liked him. | ||
| He was so nice. | ||
| And I figured, you know what? | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| We're kind of friends now. | ||
| I kind of know him, kind of. | ||
| That didn't happen. | ||
| And I remember I said to him... | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you thought it was going to happen? | |
| I looked at him and I go... | ||
| You thought it was going to happen? | ||
| This is what I said to him. | ||
| I go, so how you been? | ||
| What's it like just to be the king? | ||
| Is it just generally boring or a lot of fun? | ||
| He just looked down and he went, it's, you know, it is what it is. | ||
| And... | ||
| And we started talking. | ||
| I tried to make him laugh, and I did. | ||
| I've seen him in person. | ||
| He's the first time I've ever been like... | ||
| I was at this party. | ||
| Everyone was there. | ||
| Athletes. | ||
| And I was going to the bathroom. | ||
| I wasn't expecting him. | ||
| And I saw him. | ||
| I just went... | ||
| First time. | ||
| Everyone went, oh shit, Tom Cruise. | ||
| And he was tiny. | ||
| Tiny. | ||
| Like 5'6"? | ||
| Yeah, 5'6". | ||
|
unidentified
|
160? | |
| Yeah, tiny. | ||
| I think thicker than 160. I think I give him 5'8". | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not a chance. | |
| But then again, he's in shoes. | ||
| Probably might have some weird shoes. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But he's thick. | ||
| He's thick. | ||
| Hey, I'm a fan, man. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| He's got a dick on him. | ||
| We did take a piss together. | ||
| What about his obliques? | ||
| We took a long piss together. | ||
| Sculpted obliques? | ||
| You didn't look at his dick. | ||
| I'm disappointed if you didn't. | ||
| I was at the urinal right next to him. | ||
| He took a long piss together? | ||
| What the fuck does that even mean? | ||
| We talked about Dan Gable's wrestling camp. | ||
| How long your piss is? | ||
| We talked about Dan Gable's wrestling camp, because I went to Dan Gable's intensive wrestling camp in Iowa, between my junior and senior year of high school, and he said he would have loved to have, but he couldn't afford it. | ||
| We were holding our dicks, and I remember thinking, I'm pissing with Tom Cruise. | ||
| I pissed with Dennis Miller once. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| That's my story. | ||
| He's right next to me. | ||
| Somewhere like NBC or something like that. | ||
| Hey, Joe, you got a hip on your hands there. | ||
| It was like Fear Factor first got on the air. | ||
| I'm like, oh shit, I'm pissing right next to Dennis Miller. | ||
| I wanted to ask him, man, what's all this fucking George Bush shit? | ||
| Your buddies with George Bush? | ||
| I didn't have the balls. | ||
| No? | ||
| I wanted to ask him. | ||
| That's when he became George Bush's buddy. | ||
| Is there anyone now that would startle you or make you starstruck? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| For sure, yeah. | ||
| Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| Because you meet everyone, right? | ||
| Yeah, I got weirded out when I met Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| That was a few years back, but I got weirded out. | ||
| He's at all the UFCs now. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| That guy trains jujitsu every day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He trains jiu-jitsu every day. | ||
| He does two-hour classes every day. | ||
| He does an hour of classes all over the place, even when he's on the road. | ||
|
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Really? | |
| He was rolling in Budapest, Hungary. | ||
| I'm a bigger fan of him, though. | ||
| He put a picture of him on Twitter with his fucking white belt and a gi showing up at this fucking jiu-jitsu place, at Carlson Gracie's place. | ||
|
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Wow. | |
| He told me they were doing all top game. | ||
| He said he was shitting out bone fragments. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| He said they all have old-school Carlson Gracie top game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| He said I'm shitting out bone fragments. | ||
| That's the message he gave me. | ||
| So, you were a little starstruck with them. | ||
| Who would you be starstruck with, though? | ||
| Because you see everybody. | ||
| I got starstruck when I met Arnold Schwarzenegger and he knew who I was. | ||
| Oh, he did? | ||
| Nice to meet you, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| I was like, what's up, dude? | ||
| I got that dinner when I was so starstruck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, really? | |
| You're doing a very good job. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| He's a UFC fan. | ||
| He's a UFC fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Arnold's one of the... | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| That was a big one. | ||
| That was a big one. | ||
| If I met Clint Eastwood, even though I think he's a silly bitch, you know, that thing he did with Obama when he was talking down to him in a chair, it's still Clint Eastwood. | ||
| I mean, he's a crazy old man now, kind of. | ||
| It's Clint Eastwood, dude. | ||
| It's still Clint Eastwood. | ||
| You gave him his props right now. | ||
| Outlaw Josie Wales. | ||
| One of the great movies, period. | ||
| Dying a much of a living boy. | ||
| Oh, High Plains Drifter? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I gotta be honest with you guys. | ||
| I'm a lot younger than you. | ||
| Clint Eastwood's not that big of a deal for me. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's a shame. | ||
| If you're a fan of films, though. | ||
| Million Dollar Baby. | ||
| Unforgiven? | ||
| Did you ever see Unforgiven? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| The good, the bad, the ugly. | ||
| It just goes on and on. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| It's a different time. | ||
| I'm way younger than you guys. | ||
| No, it was before our time, man. | ||
| Clint Eastwood's old as fuck, dude. | ||
| Don't try to put it in Clint Eastwood's character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's old as fuck. | |
| But in his heyday, you guys. | ||
| Dirty Harry. | ||
| When we were kids, when we were like little kids, every which way was loose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Every Which Way But Loose was the big movie, which meant that he was already so old he wasn't doing the cowboy movies anymore. | ||
| He was like this old-school bare-knuckle boxer. | ||
| Killer. | ||
| Dude, back in those days, oh my god, his girlfriend was in every movie. | ||
| He had this chick, Sandra Lockhart, was that who she was? | ||
|
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|
She was in every fucking movie he did. | |
| Every movie he did, that was his girlfriend. | ||
| The motherfucker had this one girlfriend who was an actress and he put her in every movie. | ||
| Every movie was him and his girlfriend until they broke up. | ||
| And when they broke up, like, part of their breakup was that he had to get her some sort of a development deal and then she sued him. | ||
| Hell of a deal for her. | ||
| She sued him because she said that, like, Allegedly. | ||
| I should say this is all allegedly. | ||
| I'm reading this online. | ||
| It could all be bullshit. | ||
| But she thought that he was blocking her movies from being made. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, it was an ugly breakup, man. | ||
| He composes his own music. | ||
| All the jazz and all the music. | ||
| Yeah, probably not anymore. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Sure he does. | ||
| He composes in, what's the movie? | ||
| High Plains Drifter. | ||
| That's his score. | ||
| Have you seen interviews with him lately? | ||
| Have you seen interviews with him lately? | ||
| Well, he's very old now. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| He did American Sniper. | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| Or was he on set and they just gave him credit? | ||
| No, he directed it. | ||
| He directed it. | ||
| You know, he's not so old that he can't do that. | ||
| I mean, that's what makes movies. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's not all up in there like frickin'. | ||
| You think he's all up in there? | ||
| Sir, are you American, right? | ||
| Mind your peers and kids about Clint Eastwood. | ||
| Do me a favor. | ||
| You hated on Chris Kyle, motherfucker. | ||
| Well, I think he lied. | ||
| Hold on, hold on a second. | ||
| It's not hating on someone to tell the truth. | ||
| It's hating on the rest of the population to pretend that truth doesn't exist and to not take those facts into consideration when you're discussing a story. | ||
| I hate that, but he's the greatest American sniper ever, ever. | ||
| Whether he's lying or not, that's true. | ||
| Those are facts. | ||
| What do you know about that? | ||
| I know what America tells me. | ||
| What do you know about Clint Eastwood directing American Sniper? | ||
| What do you know about it for sure? | ||
| It's a movie, first of all. | ||
| That's what they tell us. | ||
| And it's a good movie, according to some people. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| You want me to tell you what happens? | ||
| Ari Shafir fucking hated it. | ||
| I have a video of Ari Shafir and Tom Segura arguing. | ||
| Tom Segura says it's amazing, and Ari Shafir says it's retarded. | ||
| I listen to Ari on your show Hate On It. | ||
| He's fucking crazy. | ||
| He should join ISIS. If what he said was true, does he not have a point? | ||
| Was there a rubber baby that was obviously a rubber baby? | ||
| Not really! | ||
| Not really! | ||
| I thought it was a real baby! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not really. | |
| I believe he was a real baby. | ||
| Jamie, you have something to say to him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't go to the movies and be like, God damn, that baby looks fake. | |
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Clint Eastwood, come on. | ||
| That is splitting hairs. | ||
| Well, that's just one thing. | ||
| I mean, Ari had a bunch of points. | ||
| That's the least of my worries when I go to the movies. | ||
| The fakest baby. | ||
| The fake baby? | ||
| Okay, let's see the fake baby. | ||
| That looks real to me. | ||
| Hold on, we'll see. | ||
| You just saw it for a brief second. | ||
| If you're staring at the baby, you're fucking crazy. | ||
| Okay, here's the fake baby. | ||
| Right now, that looks like a baby. | ||
| I'm cool with this. | ||
| This seems fine. | ||
| I'm not really paying attention to it. | ||
| Okay, that was it? | ||
| And your boy Ari's hating on it. | ||
| No, there's more, apparently. | ||
| There's some real fake baby shit going on later. | ||
| Oh, here it goes. | ||
| Okay, that's fake as fuck. | ||
| Look at his thumb. | ||
| Oh, come on! | ||
| That's fake as fuck. | ||
| It doesn't look. | ||
| That's like going to Jurassic Park and being like, that T-Rex, man, I'll tell you what. | ||
| That thing's just not real enough. | ||
| You're being dishonest. | ||
| You don't think it's ridiculous looking at his thumb moving that rubber baby? | ||
| They didn't show that. | ||
| Yeah, that's from the set. | ||
| No, it's not even. | ||
| That's a joke. | ||
| That's someone being silly. | ||
| They're joking around because it's a fucking rubber baby. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| Look, the baby can only work a certain amount of hours, and they got union rules for babies. | ||
| So it's a bad movie because that baby looks fake? | ||
| I had to work with babies. | ||
| It's a pain in the ass. | ||
| Listen, I don't think it's a bad movie because I didn't see it. | ||
| But I definitely don't think that just... | ||
| Look, I don't want to pay attention to the baby, but apparently the baby was only one issue. | ||
| Ari thought the acting was terrible. | ||
| I didn't see the movie. | ||
| The movie was implausible, was ridiculous. | ||
| I was just disappointed that I found that he lied a lot about certain things. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| He still is the greatest American sniper ever. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's a weird thing to say, though. | ||
| Like, you don't give a fuck. | ||
| So you were not willing to give Anderson Silva a pass on doing steroids for the broken leg. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I'm giving Brian Williams a pass, though. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| You're very inconsistent. | ||
| That's me! | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| We go with the wind. | ||
| That's my entire career. | ||
| There's kind of like a blind patriotism to that, right? | ||
| Like, you recognize that he's the greatest American sniper, so all the other stuff you just don't want to talk about. | ||
| No, I'll talk about it, but him being a great American sniper is the biggest thing. | ||
| That should trump all of it. | ||
| Yeah, he lied. | ||
| He didn't take out people during that... | ||
| Katrina. | ||
| Katrina, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he didn't do that. | ||
| He also didn't beat up Jesse Ventura. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Cool, man. | ||
| But you killed 160 terrorists? | ||
| Yeah, I'm cool, man. | ||
| I'm going to overlook some of that shit. | ||
| You're still a great American. | ||
| They're both true. | ||
| I mean, if it is true, I don't know what's true, obviously. | ||
| I'm talking about interviews and people's books and all this different shit. | ||
| Unless we were there, we really don't know what the fuck actually happened. | ||
| But they can both be true. | ||
| I've met people that were movie stars that were also tremendous liars. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to name names, but the dude was a movie star, and he's a tremendous liar. | ||
| Just makes up stories about all kinds of things. | ||
| And you would never believe. | ||
| The stuff you know is just a complete fabrication, things that never happened to him. | ||
| And the guy's worth millions and millions of dollars. | ||
| But one thing we do know is he was a Navy SEAL, and he was a sniper who killed a lot of people. | ||
| For America. | ||
| He risked his life for America. | ||
| So he's okay with me. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Yes, he went through BUDS training. | ||
| Yes, he became a Navy SEAL. Very difficult to do. | ||
| And he's really good at killing people. | ||
| That's a skill set as a sniper that I'm sure takes a lot of things I don't know about. | ||
| I don't think that that necessarily means, and I'm sorry to say this, that means he's a good guy. | ||
| I don't think that necessarily means that he's a good guy. | ||
| Heroes aren't good guys. | ||
| It doesn't mean he gets a pass for lying and making up stories about not only killing looters in New Orleans who are stealing stuff, which is already illegal and considered murder under the laws of this land. | ||
| But he didn't do it, so. | ||
| Well, but that's what he was saying he was doing, which is very strange. | ||
| I haven't read the book, so I don't want to talk too much. | ||
| You haven't read the book or the movie. | ||
| All you do is know his name. | ||
| So you're out of the game. | ||
| Let me play devil's advocate here just as a person who, like, let me just be completely objective, take a wild shot at this. | ||
| This might not be the case. | ||
| So I'm just put that out there in advance. | ||
| What if he decided to tell all these tall tales because the book would be better? | ||
| And he wanted to sell a book and make a lot of money selling a book. | ||
| And he didn't understand the kind of media storm and that these checks, these stories are going to be checked and double checked. | ||
| And what he decided to do was add a bunch of fabricated shit to a real story. | ||
| Because, you know, first of all, he's probably psychologically damaged from shooting 160 people. | ||
| Like, I don't think you get away from that for free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't think you go to war, and I don't think anybody rides for free in war. | ||
| I think you take in a lot of psychological damage. | ||
| Everybody says that. | ||
| So it could possibly be that the guy just said all that shit because he wanted to sell books. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| And is that crazy? | ||
| Does that make him a bad guy? | ||
| Because the US government's not paying him very well, right? | ||
| He's not making much money. | ||
| So he fabricates these stories. | ||
| His book is a New York Times bestseller. | ||
| He gets all this money. | ||
| Is that It's all possible. | ||
| It's all possible. | ||
| All I'm trying to say is this. | ||
| I don't know Chris Kyle. | ||
| I don't know anything about the guy. | ||
| I don't know if he's a bad guy, a good guy. | ||
| I tend to be pretty patriotic. | ||
| Well, you know what he did for America, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So usually he gets a lot of leeway with me when you're a soldier and you went to Iraq and you did all that stuff. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| For me, that's how I am. | ||
| But I do think that I still have to at least, like what Joe was saying, when you It's found out that you made up these stories. | ||
| That's kind of a bummer for me. | ||
| It's just disappointing that he did lie about something like that. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| Trying to sell books. | ||
| It could very well have been that he was trying to sell books, and it could also very well be that we were talking before. | ||
| Maybe we need to understand a little bit better, since none of us went to war, What kind of mental toll that takes on a person and that you kind of shouldn't expect them to be completely fine with everything when they come back. | ||
| And some of them are gonna make shit up and maybe they're making shit up because reality is so fucking crazy that they don't want to deal with it anymore. | ||
| Or maybe he's so fucked up he thinks it's real. | ||
| It could be. | ||
| Maybe he had a situation where he was in New Orleans and he thought about shooting, didn't happen, but he goes to war, something happens, like, did that happen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's good for the book. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And by, you know, no one could understand what the fuck that guy's life was like except for him. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| And it's not even giving him an excuse. | ||
| What we're saying is we're just looking at the possibilities. | ||
| Instead of saying, hey, this is a guy that was full of shit and he lied about that and he's a bad person, this is a guy that was forced to do some anti-human shit for the government. | ||
| People are complicated. | ||
| You and I have talked about this. | ||
| People are complicated. | ||
| We know certain people that are high-profile people that get criticized a lot and they're hated on, and you know them pretty intimately, and it's like... | ||
| Yes, they've done some things. | ||
| They're also complicated people. | ||
| They also do incredibly good things for people that nobody knows about. | ||
| So there's no question that people generally are not black and white. | ||
| They have a bad side. | ||
| They have a good side. | ||
| I know I do. | ||
| I know I do. | ||
| I know a lot of things about myself I'm not that proud of. | ||
| This is black and white. | ||
| This is very black and white. | ||
| If you didn't like the film American Sniper, you're a fucking terrorist. | ||
| This is easy. | ||
| Brendan! | ||
| Ari Shafir is a Jew. | ||
| That's what they should do. | ||
| At airports, this is how they should check if you're a terrorist or you have a bomb. | ||
| Did you like American Sniper? | ||
| No. | ||
| Go to the right. | ||
| Did you like American Sniper? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Go to the left. | ||
| What happens when you go to the right, though? | ||
| You don't get on the plane. | ||
| Damn it, Brendan. | ||
| Ari Shafir would chew you up if you guys had this conversation. | ||
| Bring it, son. | ||
| He gets so angry. | ||
| Bring it, son. | ||
| I get angry, too. | ||
| You want to hear him ranting with Tom Segura? | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| The two of them together. | ||
| I've got to eventually put this online, but they get so fucking in each other's face about it. | ||
| They're like yelling. | ||
| It's something really important to talk about. | ||
| I do think it's important to be charitable about just how complicated human beings are. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It doesn't mean you don't call somebody out online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The bar, just so contrived and awful. | |
| The fact that they didn't show him getting shot was actually a good choice. | ||
| Two hour and 17 minute movie, and then at the end they're like, he was killed that day in writing? | ||
| Listen, you communist fuck. | ||
| I'll play the whole thing. | ||
| I'll put the whole thing up on Twitter. | ||
| Listen, you communist fucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Tom Segura? | |
| That's Tom Segura. | ||
| They go at it for like 10 minutes in front of the ice house. | ||
| So he was mad that at the end they don't show him getting killed. | ||
| He was mad about everything. | ||
| He thought it sucked. | ||
| He brought a bunch of people from his Twitter feed to go to the movie and heckle. | ||
| What's his deal? | ||
| They filled the audience. | ||
| The entire audience was Ari Shaffir's friends. | ||
| I would have got arrested. | ||
| UFC fighter beats the shit out of Ari and his friends during American Sniper. | ||
| This is not the time to get arrested. | ||
| This is not for you. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| Beat up a bunch of chubby comedians. | ||
| Chris Kyle forever, son! | ||
| Chris Kyle forever! | ||
| Hey man, I can be swayed. | ||
| Did you see the movie? | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| I haven't read the book or anything. | ||
| He knows nothing about it. | ||
| I know nothing. | ||
| All I've read is that I looked at all the stuff online and I was like, well, it's interesting. | ||
| I haven't read it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a credible source. | ||
| I haven't formulated an opinion on anything. | ||
| You've got to think that when someone has killed that many people for the government, they give them a green light to kill that many people and to kill 160 people. | ||
| The idea of telling a lie about something, it's really no big deal. | ||
| That guy killing 160 people doing all these tours... | ||
| You know, in war, should get a million dollars from the U.S. government for the rest of his life. | ||
| He should be financially set for the rest of his life. | ||
| Yeah, no kidding, right? | ||
| How much do they actually get when they retire? | ||
| Not much. | ||
| My buddy's Delta Force was Delta Force, and he said that I heard, and I don't want to say online, but it's so pitiful. | ||
| It's called hazardous duty pay. | ||
| You don't make any money. | ||
| You don't have enough to live. | ||
| And if you go through a divorce, half of that money goes to your wife. | ||
| Oh, in your personal life, you're fucked because their divorce rate's like 96%. | ||
| It's not cool, man. | ||
| They should definitely get more money in my opinion. | ||
| It's the stress. | ||
| The same with cops. | ||
| Stress. | ||
| That stress is insane. | ||
| It's an unprecedented level of stress. | ||
| It's so hard to deal with. | ||
| It's also really hard when you're a sniper, you're, I don't know this, but I do know that a combatant can be even a child running munitions to a mortar. | ||
| And if that child's doing that or a guy's looking at you with binoculars and trying to get a beat on your position, you take them out. | ||
| Yeah, son. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's war. | |
| That's hard for a soldier who gets in command, take that guy out, shoot that kid, shoot that woman because she happens to be somebody who's aiming the enemy. | ||
| Chris Cowell had to do that if you watched the movie. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| The word hard is not even, it's not a good enough word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's not that it's hard. | ||
| It's almost impossible. | ||
| It's almost impossible to reset from that and be a normal person without some help. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| You go from doing that to fucking walking through Radio Shack with your wife? | ||
|
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|
What? | |
| What the hell? | ||
| That's why all these guys coming back from war, that's one way to make America a little bit more polite, running into a bunch of people that just got back from killing a bunch of other people. | ||
| People have a different attitude when you've been to a war. | ||
| There's a different mentality. | ||
| And we have to respect that. | ||
| And I think we have to consider that. | ||
| That's important as a culture, as a society that sort of wants to gloss over war and wants to glorify it and make it out to be all this John Wayne shit. | ||
| We have to look at what the fuck has really happened to these people psychologically. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And the same thing with cops. | ||
| Everybody wants to shit on cops because cops do, occasionally they do bad things. | ||
| And for you that have been done wrong by these cops that couldn't handle that job, I 100% feel for you. | ||
| I 100% feel for you. | ||
| I feel bad for the cops. | ||
| We also have to consider the fact that being a cop is this insane job. | ||
| Some people become fucking insurance salesmen. | ||
| Some people sell cars. | ||
| Some people become artists. | ||
| Some people become cops! | ||
| And you're out there, and you're fucking pulling sideways. | ||
| A guy's shooting a rifle out of a fucking window and taking people out. | ||
| You gotta figure out how to sneak into the building. | ||
| You're calling a SWAT team. | ||
| You're hiding behind your car. | ||
| You're hearing fucking bullets bouncing off the street. | ||
| Cops have to deal with some insane shit. | ||
| You're getting shot at. | ||
| And they don't have much experience. | ||
| A lot of them don't have much experience. | ||
| And you know how few of them know how to fight? | ||
| Yeah, not many. | ||
| That was the thing that always shocked me when I would train with guys who had been police officers, and they didn't know how to fight. | ||
| I'm like, this is insane. | ||
| Like, you don't know any jujitsu? | ||
| You don't know nothing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Horrible. | |
| Like, if you get in a scramble with somebody, what do you do? | ||
| Do you know how to get out? | ||
| Like, they don't know anything. | ||
| Yeah, they freak out. | ||
| You could sign up for being a cop. | ||
| You could be a cop, and you have to just be in reasonable shape and not completely insane. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And then they get in trouble because they get put in these... | ||
| Listen, I'm not defending all cops. | ||
| Some cops are scumbags. | ||
| I get that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No doubt. | |
| But in general, they're good people. | ||
| And they get put in these situations where... | ||
| Well, I think in general, all people are good people. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Most people are good. | ||
| But then you get put in these situations where they have no experience. | ||
| They don't know if this kid's going to shoot or not. | ||
| So like, dang, my life, his, they shoot, and then there's this big uproar. | ||
| It's similar to what we were talking about earlier with referees. | ||
| If referees make a mistake, you're making a mistake, and a guy is going to take some fucking punishment because of that mistake, you're not designed to handle those high-pressure situations, or you're not qualified because you don't understand martial arts, or you're just not good at your job. | ||
| Like, for whatever reason, not focused, whatever the fuck it is that makes you fuck up. | ||
| But if you fuck up as a referee, it's way worse than if Bruce Buffer fucks up as an announcer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If Bruce Buffer mispronounces, Brian Casey! | ||
| You know, you're like, oh god damn my name. | ||
| It's not that bad, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| If a cop fucks up, someone gets shot and dies, or he gets shot and dies, or he sees someone get shot and die that he could have prevented, all that stuff is too much for people. | ||
| It's a tough job, man. | ||
| It's too much! | ||
| And to have that go on day after day, what do you have to look forward to? | ||
| When you're 25, they give you a watch? | ||
| You look at all the friends that you've had along the way that have blown their brains out or drank themselves to death or fill in the blank, done all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| My buddy was a SWAT team sergeant and he said he knew he had to get out when he was sitting down next to a body that they had shot and the coroners were doing all their vesting and he started eating a sandwich and it didn't occur to him. | ||
| He was like, I'm sitting right next to a body and I'm this not phased. | ||
| I've become so numb to my job. | ||
| The view of cops, too, it's not like most Americans are not like, oh hell yeah, cops, man, sweet. | ||
| Most of them when they drive by, most people, especially the ones I hang out with, they're like, fuck cops. | ||
| Americans don't like authority. | ||
| Americans always have a problem. | ||
| There was an interesting article that I put up the other day that, again, I don't know if it's true, but it was that this town in Texas hired a private security firm and crime dropped by 61%. | ||
| And that with no financial incentive for there to be crime, because they were just compensated for their job, for what they do, for the hours on the job, they found less crime. | ||
| They also patrolled areas that had the most crime instead of just arbitrarily deciding where people went based on whatever the fuck it was that they had decided on before. | ||
| They targeted it, like, very tactically. | ||
| And they cut back on crime by 61%, and it cost less money. | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| So they hired a private security agency? | ||
| They fired the cops in 2012. They fired the cops. | ||
| They said, this police force is retarded. | ||
| This government police force sucks. | ||
| We're going to hire our own security force. | ||
| We're going to vote to do this. | ||
| So they decided to do this. | ||
| They hired a security firm to become cops. | ||
| And because these guys don't have the incentive to write tickets, because they're not getting... | ||
| It actually costs less. | ||
| It costs them less. | ||
| It costs them less and there's less crime. | ||
| They're not getting as much revenue from it, but they're also not arresting people for fucking nothing. | ||
| So it's going to adjust the attitude of the people that live in the city. | ||
| They're not going to be upset at cops all the time because they're not going to think that cops are just trying to pull people aside because they have criteria they have to meet. | ||
| They have quotas they have to make. | ||
| Which is insane. | ||
| They did the same thing with road signs. | ||
| Jamie, see if you can pull that article up, because it's on my Twitter feed. | ||
| It's pretty fucking interesting. | ||
| There's an intersection in Holland that's really, really busy, and the guy took all the road signs out, because there were a lot of accidents, and said, watch this, I'm going to take all road signs out, and people figured it out on their own, and he does this experiment where he walks, he puts his hands behind his back, and walks backward into the busiest intersection, and of course never gets hit, because people figure out how to navigate that crazy space on their own. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| For sure that guy's gonna get hit. | ||
| For sure that guy's retarded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, we'll see. | |
| He hasn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrible story. | |
| And I was there. | ||
| It's not the best story. | ||
| That's terrible story. | ||
| I was piggybacking. | ||
| 61% SEAL security solutions. | ||
| They hired a bunch of fucking people that were former SEALs and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Shit, that makes sense. | ||
| Of course it makes sense. | ||
| It's fucking smart, man. | ||
| Those guys have experience in high-stress situations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Reduce crime by 61% in just 20 months. | ||
| You know, and also then you're not going to deal with the militarization of the fucking police department. | ||
| And this is legit shit? | ||
| Yes, it's legit shit. | ||
| Or is this written up by the Operation The Seals? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm just reading what I'm reading online. | ||
| I've done very little actual research out in the field. | ||
| I didn't take any plane trips down there. | ||
| I'm not on the ground. | ||
| When you privatize an area, the solution goes, when you privatize an area that tends to be policed better a lot of times than if the government has to do it. | ||
| Right, but now this is where fucking some Alex Jones shit comes up. | ||
| This is what you want, America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want former military guarding your streets, holding a gun to your children's head. | |
| And who do you think they... | ||
| Who do they listen to when the shit hits the fan? | ||
| FEMA! FEMA, goddammit! | ||
| You got plastic coffins out there in the field. | ||
| I've seen them with my own eyes. | ||
| Look at the guy who is babies. | ||
| We support our troops by hiring many employees who have served our country. | ||
| Dude, I'm not mad at this at all. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Look, if it works, I think that there's a lot of things that they do better when you take out bureaucracy, when you privatize them, when you offer them an incentive to be successful, and when they have some support of the community because the community actually likes them. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| A lot of times they live in the community, too. | ||
| Those are fucking sloppy, out of shape cubs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, for sure. | |
| You need some three out of shape... | ||
| Yoked up, roided up dudes where you take care of business. | ||
| I want three Ronnie Coleman's just jacked. | ||
| Ain't no one doing shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would go more of a thinner, like Ian Freeman. | ||
| Yeah, I'm with you, man. | ||
| I like that they have dogs. | ||
| I like those big canines. | ||
| They can smell out anything. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good idea. | ||
| Use canine. | ||
| They have bomb detection, drug detection. | ||
| Look, boys, drop the drug detection. | ||
| Let that slide. | ||
| Let it slide. | ||
| But I think that, look... | ||
| I think there's a lot of things that could be taken care of better by the private sector. | ||
| That's what you see with education. | ||
| I mean, you get a way better private education in most schools where you deal with really high-level private schools. | ||
| They're going to have a better education than the best public schools. | ||
| It's about incentives, man. | ||
| It's about incentives. | ||
| And the teachers are more qualified at the private schools, right? | ||
| A lot of times. | ||
| They get paid more as well, right? | ||
| A lot of times. | ||
| There's some really good public schools out there, don't get me wrong. | ||
| But if you had to look at them all per capita, like what's going to be the most formal education? | ||
| What's going to be like the most comprehensive education? | ||
| There's a lot of people that have a lot of money to take their kids to private schools because they think that their kids are going to get a better education. | ||
| That's college too. | ||
| You look at the private universities, man. | ||
| I mean, the good thing about universities is that people can get scholarships if they prove, you know, academically that they're superior, that they're excellent. | ||
| Or athletically. | ||
| Yeah, or athletically. | ||
| Those are good things, too. | ||
| They get an opportunity. | ||
| But, you know, privatizing shit, that's the thing that I had that guy on the podcast. | ||
| The fuck is his name? | ||
| Peter, the fucking Peter Schiff. | ||
| Very, you know, financial genius. | ||
| And he was saying, one of the big problems with college is the reason why it costs so much is because it's all subsidized by the government. | ||
| And because it's subsidized, these fucking loans have these ridiculous interest rates, and everybody gets roped in this incredible payment that they get stuck with. | ||
| You get saddled up in debt before you even get out of school. | ||
| You get out of school, you already owe fuck tons of money. | ||
| The good thing about privatization is you can innovate according to your circumstances. | ||
| A lot of times when you have top-down bureaucracy telling you what to do, regardless, it's hard to innovate. | ||
| It's hard to move. | ||
| If you see it with huge corporations versus smaller companies, you've got to be able to change with the times. | ||
| You know where I'm torn, though, man? | ||
| I think every kid deserves a private-style education. | ||
| It doesn't work like that, though. | ||
| I know it doesn't. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| But I think that's where the problem is. | ||
| I think every kid deserves the best possible education. | ||
| But we said, like, the best way to make America great. | ||
| Everyone's like, let's make America great. | ||
| Let's guard our borders and keep our criminals out. | ||
| This is the best way. | ||
| Make less losers. | ||
| Less losers. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Put shit tons of money into community programs and education and counseling and try to help people that are in bad situations. | ||
| People that got a shitty deck of cards. | ||
| You know that's been society's problem from day one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always. | |
| It always will be. | ||
| What do you do with the people that, not losers as is you're a loser, but the losers in society, the people who don't get a piece of the pie? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| That's always been the issue. | ||
| It's the issue with the Middle East. | ||
| We're never going to solve that. | ||
| It's the biggest issue with the Middle East. | ||
| You've got a group of people who have young men, angry young men, nowhere to place their energy. | ||
| And you want to go through the list of why? | ||
| Fine. | ||
| It's essentially governments that are not representative, etc., etc., etc. | ||
| It's a major problem. | ||
| What do you do about it? | ||
| What do you do about it? | ||
| I think what you do about it. | ||
| I'm obviously not a fucking financial planner, but if I was, if I had to look at the country as far as allocation of resources, tax dollars, and how much money do we have, what do we spend it on, I would say let's triple, quadruple, even more the amount of money that goes into education. | ||
| And anybody who wants to go to college should be able to go to college. | ||
| The idea that you go to college and get saddled, and it sounds contradictory from what I said earlier because the best schools, a lot of them, are private today. | ||
| But still, I still think that the public education should be so much better than it is now, and being a teacher should be worth so much more. | ||
| It should be like a very prestigious position that's difficult to get and should be worth a lot of money. | ||
| And you may not need more money. | ||
| Even a PE teacher, what about a really good one? | ||
| What about a really good PE teacher that teaches you about physiology, about explosive fast twitch muscle fibers that shows you how to get better in sports? | ||
| Nah, what about the one that teaches you like kickball and fucking something? | ||
| Why do we have to have that though? | ||
| Because it's awesome. | ||
| But why can't you have that kind of shit where you have a little kickball game with kids, but you also explain to them, this is what's going on when you're getting tired. | ||
| This is what's going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That'd be dope. | |
| The food you eat has a different effect on the way your body performs. | ||
| Right, and a lot of it doesn't take money. | ||
| That'd be dope. | ||
| A lot of it sometimes just takes a change in approach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Give them some fucking money. | ||
| There's teachers out there that get paid 50 cents an hour. | ||
| There has to be a standard though. | ||
| There has to be a standard, right? | ||
| There has to be a standard. | ||
| You can't have every dumbass in school or private school. | ||
| It's not easy to be a doctor, right? | ||
| It's fucking really hard. | ||
| It's really hard. | ||
| You've got to go to school. | ||
| A lot of schooling, yes. | ||
| A lot of fucking education. | ||
| A lot of education. | ||
| It's difficult. | ||
| Most people fall out. | ||
| They don't heck through it. | ||
| It should be like that to be a teacher. | ||
| It really should. | ||
| It should be hard. | ||
| Finland has probably the most, like according to a lot of ratings, the best school system. | ||
| They don't test. | ||
| I think they have one test a year. | ||
| The teachers are responsible to a large degree in making their own curriculum. | ||
| They don't have this core curriculum. | ||
| Everybody has to learn the same thing. | ||
| You better have some good teachers, man. | ||
| And more importantly, they pay their teachers and their teachers have a great deal of esteem in the society. | ||
| And Finland's school system is always outperforming almost every other country. | ||
| And when I had the guy on who wrote this thing called Finnish Lessons, a book, he said, I don't even like talking about rankings because that's already the wrong way to look at it. | ||
| And the problem with testing is that that's what happens is you, instead of focusing on understanding, and the other really interesting thing is he said, we focus on teaching people how to solve problems as a group. | ||
| Because if you think about it, you do a lot of that when you work in a corporation or whatever. | ||
| You have to test at some point. | ||
| Because if the teachers always – let's say they're teaching for a year, and it's like, well, let's see if these kids learn anything. | ||
| No one's learning anything. | ||
| You have to test at some point. | ||
| Well, actually, they do because they have to rely on each other to solve problems. | ||
| So they'll give them a problem, and then they'll kind of let them solve that problem. | ||
| And they try to mimic – As closely as they can, the real life situations and problems that they're going to come across when they are, for example, working for a company like Toyota or Nokia. | ||
| I don't like just that. | ||
| I don't like that new age teaching, man. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It's not new age. | ||
| It's more practical. | ||
| I think it's more practical. | ||
| I think you still have to have history. | ||
| They still have to learn all that stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do. | |
| And they do have testing, but not nearly as much. | ||
| Oh, so they do have some testing. | ||
| I think they have two tests a year. | ||
| Well, you said no testing. | ||
| Yeah, for the most part they don't. | ||
| But that's just Brian Callen, the way he talks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I took it literally. | ||
| No testing. | ||
| Then you have kids just afraid of shit. | ||
| No, I said they have one test a year, maybe two tests a year. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that do think that you shouldn't have that. | ||
| That shouldn't be your incentive to get a high score. | ||
| Your incentive should be to absorb knowledge. | ||
| That's what stupid people say. | ||
| Well, it becomes a competitive thing. | ||
| Like, my daughter got a 98. My daughter got a 100. Sorry. | ||
| I bet you thought your daughter was smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Competition, man. | |
| You need competition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes we do. | |
| It's like sports, too. | ||
| It's like, you know you can't play tag anymore. | ||
| You can't play dodgeball anymore. | ||
| Well, they don't want losers in certain games. | ||
| My daughter played softball, and no one lost. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I'm like, I watched people lose. | ||
| Fuck that noise, man. | ||
| How come no one lost? | ||
| There were four, and they were barely hitting the ball. | ||
| I'm the dad keeping score. | ||
| 1-0. | ||
| That's real life. | ||
| 2-0. | ||
| That's real life. | ||
| Janine, you're out. | ||
| Get the fuck. | ||
| You only get three swings. | ||
| They don't learn that losing's okay because that's how you try harder because it feels bad to lose. | ||
| No one wants their kid to feel bad. | ||
| That's life. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You're preparing them for life. | ||
| That's that Calabasas shit, man. | ||
| It's not Calabasas, dude. | ||
| This is not going on out here. | ||
| This is going on across the country. | ||
| It's the little kids. | ||
| I'm in Aurora, Colorado. | ||
| You struck out and got made fun of. | ||
| I bet there's places today in Aurora, Colorado and all over the country that employ these ridiculous ideas. | ||
| I don't think it's local. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Life is basically, I think life is, if you look at your life, life is working really hard to get to Accomplish something and losing to a degree anyway. | ||
| Life is about failures. | ||
| And learning how to navigate that. | ||
| Well those failures are what motivate you to never feel that shitty feeling so it gets you off your ass. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's why people who are born rich or they win the lottery early, they're fucked. | ||
| That's why we hate those people. | ||
| The motivation just slides away. | ||
| There's very little motivation if you're already wealthy. | ||
| It's hard for me to relate to a dude who just grew up super rich and he's never had any struggles. | ||
| It's hard to sit down and have dinner with that dude. | ||
| I feel bad for them. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I feel bad for them. | ||
| Because they have no idea. | ||
| Especially, you know any friends that are rich that were raised by their nanny and shit? | ||
| Where the mom and dad are both working 20 hours a day and no one's ever home and they're fucking weirded out. | ||
| They're lost, man. | ||
| You see a lot of that. | ||
| Those rich guys who are surrounded by yes men and they come up wearing a shitty holiday sweater and you're like, nice fucking sweater and it ruins his night. | ||
| No one ever hangs out with these guys, man. | ||
| No one ever busts their balls. | ||
| That's so true, man. | ||
| Sweet new haircut. | ||
| That's so interesting. | ||
| Oh, ruins their night. | ||
| Dude, we were playing a cold, this silly game, like running charades, like a group of us. | ||
| And I made fun of the guy's boyfriend, the girl's boyfriend. | ||
| We said, that's not a word. | ||
| He had some stupid movie. | ||
| And he dropped the hat and threw his hands in the air and went off in the balcony. | ||
| And we were like, what? | ||
| This is awkward. | ||
| He went out and... | ||
| Sulked and his girlfriend goes, he just gets really sensitive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'm gonna have to smack that guy in the mouth. | |
| That's what happens when you don't keep scoring shit. | ||
| I was on a sitcom once and this guy was ad-libbing to something. | ||
| It was an actor. | ||
| It was a couple comics and an actor and the actor tried to ad-lib something and it wasn't funny at all. | ||
| And we stone-faced it. | ||
| We were like, what? | ||
| Like, he just wanted to try something different. | ||
| How about I say this and that? | ||
| But it was really, he was not a bright guy. | ||
| And I remember we just looked at each other and we're like, that, no, I don't think that works. | ||
| He throws the fucking script up in the air and storms off the set. | ||
| All he said is, I don't think that works. | ||
| You tell that to a comic, they go, yeah, something fucked up about it, right? | ||
| You tell it to even a lot of funny people. | ||
| I told that they've People have good senses of humor. | ||
| We started laughing so hard, Brennan pitched an idea for this thing we're going to do and I was like, oh. | ||
| And then let me guess, then I go, let's get out of here. | ||
| I couldn't stop laughing. | ||
| I was like, that's not funny at all. | ||
| I couldn't stop laughing. | ||
| And we do all that, but we bust each other's balls. | ||
| The only thing I won't stand for is if you guys made fun of my Taekwondo. | ||
| That's the only thing I put my foot down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not good. | |
| You're lying. | ||
| Have you ever gone back and read your notebooks from your first years of comedy? | ||
| Sure have. | ||
| Dude, I have a notebook from when I was driving limos. | ||
| I found it the other day. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Must have been awesome. | ||
| It was unbelievably bad. | ||
| I should have quit. | ||
| I bet it's awesome, though. | ||
| I can't believe I kept going. | ||
| Me too, bro. | ||
| I should have fucking retired. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| Like, my ideas. | ||
| And to this day, like, sometimes I'll write ideas that are dog shit. | ||
| But I write the ideas that are dog shit hoping, like, man, there's some fucking something there. | ||
| Let me just write down, like, a half a concept, and then I'll sit down and start working on it. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So it might have been that, but more likely I was just a 21-year-old retard with a pen. | ||
| Nah, you gotta start somewhere, man. | ||
| God, I want to tell a story, but it'll make me sound bad. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| Aw, damn it. | ||
| All right, I'm just going to tell it. | ||
| Don't judge me. | ||
| We only have, like, two minutes to go. | ||
| This better not be someone else's story. | ||
| I was in Jamaica. | ||
| I was in Jamaica. | ||
| I don't do drugs. | ||
| Is this the you getting high in Jamaica story again? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| Lindsay Lohan. | ||
| See, I don't want to tell it now. | ||
| No, go. | ||
| If it's someone else's story, I'm going to punch you in the dick. | ||
| I don't condone... | ||
| Try finding it. | ||
| I don't condone cocaine use at all. | ||
| I was in Jamaica and somebody gave me some. | ||
| I may or may not have done it all night. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I wrote all night and kept waking up my girlfriend, who you know, my old girlfriend, and telling her what amazing bits. | ||
| And she was like, I was like, and God's a Rastafarian. | ||
| And I was high, I was doing lines and writing, writing, writing. | ||
| And I looked at my notes and it was basically one long bit about God being a Rastafarian. | ||
| And I thought it was the greatest thing I've ever written in my life. | ||
| And it was just fucking chicken scratch. | ||
| And the motto of the story, kids, is don't do cocaine in Jamaica because you are never going to write anything funny. | ||
| Brian Callen would be appearing at some club in Lexington, Kentucky with way better jokes than he just slugged. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to have a Rastafarian God joke for you, Kentucky. | |
| This is a setup. | ||
| It's one of the best bits ever. | ||
| Best bits ever. | ||
| He just wants you to really lower your expectations. | ||
| I'm your creator, man. | ||
| I'm your creator. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Every team gonna be alright. | ||
| The fighter in the kid podcast is kicking all kinds of ass. | ||
| You guys gotta be happy about that. | ||
| You guys are storming the fucking sports charts. | ||
| You're the only thing that's on sports that's funny. | ||
| You should be a comedy podcast. | ||
| You're cheating by being on sports. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is bullshit. | |
| We barely talk about sports. | ||
| You guys need to move over to comedy and talk about sports occasionally. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| They look for funny shit. | ||
| They miss you. | ||
| They might miss you. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That was Fox's idea to do sports. | ||
| You gotta cut that tit. | ||
| I'm gonna have to break off thefighterandthekidshop.com. | ||
| We're killing it with merchandise. | ||
| Kill it with the merchandise. | ||
| Go buy the shirts. | ||
| Go download the podcast. | ||
| For sure, subscribe on iTunes. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I'll tell you my story if you do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A bonus. | ||
| Brennan Schaub on Twitter. | ||
| Brian Callen on Twitter. | ||
| That's it, you dirty fucks. | ||
| Tomorrow, Burt Kreischer. | ||
| See you then. | ||
| Until then, much love. | ||
| Big kiss. |
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