Jan. 13, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:41:36
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| I'm ready, Jimmy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Powerful Ari Shafir and his three-dimensional t-shirt. | ||
| It says Do Mushrooms on it. | ||
| And you can get this at AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| That's my tour this year. | ||
| It's the Do Mushrooms tour. | ||
| It's a good tour. | ||
| It's a good name. | ||
| It's a good message. | ||
| It's a good thing you're doing. | ||
| You're doing the Lord's work. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to get the word out for the Lord's product. | ||
| You're doing the Lord's work. | ||
| If there's anyone who's ever been doing the Lord's work, it's the man who invented Shroomfest. | ||
| How many people, by the way, worldwide participate in Shroomfest every year? | ||
| I heard it was over a billion. | ||
| Is that true, Mr. Shafir? | ||
| That's the last stats I saw, were over a billion. | ||
| Over a billion. | ||
| Really, we're doing fairly well in that regard. | ||
| God, it's like, how many billions are there? | ||
| Definitely, that's not most of them, but we're getting there. | ||
| There's 7 billion people, and out of the 7 billion people on Earth, 1 billion every year participate in Shroomfest. | ||
| You know, this year, it's August 29th, 30th, and 31st. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you give it three days? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Saturday, Sunday, Monday. | ||
| What's ideally for the average shroomer? | ||
| How many trips do they do in those three days? | ||
| Oh, one. | ||
| Just one? | ||
| Yeah, find a time to do it. | ||
| Oh, just one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Only one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't like to do, like, multiple on a weekend? | ||
| I have done that. | ||
| This last Shroom Fest, we just kept taking them. | ||
| Just three days, just in the cabin, just fucking going. | ||
| Did you ever worry about, like, being that dude from Pink Floyd that never comes back? | ||
| No, I stopped worrying about that. | ||
| You stopped worrying? | ||
| There's only like barely any guys I've ever seen like that. | ||
| Barely any? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know if it's from that or just mild schizophrenia. | ||
| There's always that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The real problem is like, what if you have mental illness plus psychedelics? | ||
| If you're just a totally normal person, you have normal balance levels of whatever hormones in your head, but then you take psychedelics. | ||
| That's the only thing. | ||
| If you're prone to that, to schizophrenia, that's the only time I'd be like, then don't. | ||
| If you have it in your family, maybe don't. | ||
| Yeah, I would say if reality is at all slippery, just hold off on that. | ||
| If you barely hold on, it's like, I'm real. | ||
| Get yourself a good foundation. | ||
| But then there's the other problem. | ||
| If you take a lot of the drugs that people take, like even antidepressants, you're not supposed to ever take mushrooms when you're taking those. | ||
| Nope, not true. | ||
| There's different kinds of antidepressants. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Ask your doctor. | ||
| I asked mine. | ||
|
unidentified
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Ah, yeah. | |
| Ask your doctor. | ||
| I ask mine. | ||
| With Ari Shafir. | ||
| Doctors are here for you. | ||
| Just tell them what you're doing. | ||
| And then they'll help you medically through that. | ||
| So I asked them about, hey, I heard this thing about MOAI inhibitors. | ||
| And SSRI inhibitors. | ||
| So I'm like, I heard mushrooms counteract badly with those. | ||
| And he goes, and I don't know which one's which. | ||
| But he goes, no, that's that one. | ||
| You're taking this type of antidepressant medication. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So it wouldn't interfere at all. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So you really should ask your doctor and find out whether or not it's an issue. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| So with you, it was zero issue at all? | ||
| Yeah, he goes, no. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| Sometimes they tell you not to take antibiotics and you have to say why. | ||
| And they go, because if the antibiotics won't work anymore, then I won't drink. | ||
| But if it's just that it's going to make drinking awesome, then I'm going to drink. | ||
| Well, I've heard people that are talking about taking MAOIs, monoamine oxidase inhibitors, and taking those with anything dimethyltryptamine-based, whether it's ayahuasca or DMT or anything along those lines, and it becomes really potent to the point where it's dangerously potent. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I think chemical MAOR... I'm saying it fucked up. | ||
| MAOIs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Monoamine oxidase inhibitors. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| The pharmaceutical versions of it are extremely strong. | ||
| They're really strong. | ||
| And you're not supposed to take anything... | ||
| DMT-based with them. | ||
| Because that's the whole basis of ayahuasca is a natural MAOI inhibitor, which is called harmine, mixed in with the leaves that have the DMT. That's why you can take it in through drinking it. | ||
| Sometimes those things that flood your brains with... | ||
| It's almost like the inhibitor is shut off. | ||
| So it floods your brains. | ||
| You get super happy, like XLC or some things like that. | ||
| And then... | ||
| That all drops out, and then you're like, oh, I need... | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Your body sort of stops producing it after a while. | ||
| Dopamine, depletion, and shit like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Tim Ferriss has this statement or this saying, which is a really good saying, is that there are no biological free lunches. | ||
| You know, and that everything has a price. | ||
| You drink coffee, then you crash. | ||
| You know, you take speed, then you come down. | ||
| You know, you drink alcohol, you feel great, then you're hungover. | ||
| It's like, in order to achieve these hyper-natural states, there's some sort of consequence. | ||
| It's vacuum. | ||
| Vacuums can't exist, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a pull and a push and there's something going on every time you do something that fucks with your consciousness. | ||
| It's just the idea of finding what does the least amount of damage and the most amount of benefit. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I'm gonna get fucked up. | ||
| What's it gonna be on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Should I go meth or should I pull it back? | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that are like, I am not going through this fucking thing sober. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Why would you? | ||
| Not doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Not interested. | |
| Live with all that at all times. | ||
| Not doing it. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| You have met my mother and father-in-law? | ||
| No, thank you. | ||
| I will be fucked up for this. | ||
| This is not a ride that you should take seriously. | ||
| This is a ride. | ||
| You should be sober only when necessary. | ||
| Only when, like... | ||
| Are you doing surgery? | ||
| Yeah, you should be sober. | ||
| Are you going to Disneyland? | ||
| Why are you sober? | ||
| Yeah, why sober for this? | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Are you going to somehow or another make a terrible decision when you're on the teapots? | ||
| I went... | ||
| Yeah, what are you doing? | ||
| You're spinning around the teacups, those things that you spin around. | ||
| So they don't serve alcohol at Disneyland, huh? | ||
| Well, they have alcohol at California Adventure. | ||
| Oh, and they have the outside place with all the bars. | ||
| Yeah, which is like downtown Disney. | ||
| They have alcohol there. | ||
| Like regular restaurants. | ||
| It's not like Mormon alcohol where it's like 2% beer. | ||
| Technically alcohol. | ||
| It's real alcohol. | ||
| They have real alcohol. | ||
| But inside Disneyland, there's apparently only one place where you can get alcohol. | ||
| And it's this place that's above Pirates of the Caribbean. | ||
| And you have to pay some insane amount of yearly money. | ||
| To be able to go there? | ||
| Yeah, you have to spend a shitload of money. | ||
| It costs like $25,000 to join or something. | ||
| What? | ||
| To be a member? | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
|
unidentified
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It's more than that. | |
| What is that shit called? | ||
|
unidentified
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Club 33 or something like that? | |
| Yeah, something along those lines. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's like CEOs of companies... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Didn't Dice have Club 43 in his basement or something? | ||
| And he wouldn't tell anybody why he called it that? | ||
| Maybe that's what it is. | ||
| Maybe I finally figured it out. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| You gotta know what it is. | ||
| It's 18 more! | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh! | |
| Like your big fat fucking ass! | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Dude, you know what I was talking about? | ||
| Your Diaz impression is one of the best around. | ||
| I forgot about it. | ||
| We used to have Diaz off, like the Brea Improv. | ||
| These fucking SoCal Mexican comics thought they had great Diaz. | ||
| And you're like, let's do it. | ||
| At the end of your headliner set. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But that guy beat me. | ||
| He beat me. | ||
| His Diaz was better. | ||
| His mannerisms were awesome. | ||
| Silent Bob, he got me. | ||
| My voice might have been a little bit better, a little bit more exact. | ||
|
unidentified
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He also did the hand thing where it was like this weird... | |
| Well, he was also, yeah, he was just in the groove. | ||
| He nailed it. | ||
| The hand thing, the coke hand. | ||
|
unidentified
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The coke hand. | |
| When you bring people up to the open mic, he goes, next up. | ||
| And he's just like doing that open shut, open shut. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Next up what? | ||
| Well, he's also just having fun. | ||
| Oh, this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That's the Joey Diaz mannerisms. | ||
| He had the mannerisms down. | ||
| I had a voice. | ||
| My voice was probably a little bit better than his, but he overwhelmed me with his mannerisms. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| He took the title. | ||
| What am I going to say? | ||
| Yeah, I forgot who won. | ||
| I really forgot who won. | ||
| Yeah, he beat me. | ||
| I gave it to him. | ||
| I said he won. | ||
| I mean, I gave it up. | ||
| I said, that's better. | ||
| His is better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know stuff he says, though, that sounds like stuff he would say. | ||
| I guess that guy did, too. | ||
| Well, maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
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He deserves to win. | |
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Joey's the greatest guy that's ever walked the face of the planet. | ||
|
unidentified
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Are these 3D glasses kind of tripping around a little? | |
| A little. | ||
|
unidentified
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You have a lot behind you, Joe, so it's... | |
| A little. | ||
| Yeah, the lava lamp is fucking weird. | ||
| The reason why we're wearing these shirts, Ari Shaffir has these 3D... Why we're wearing these shirts. | ||
| Why we're wearing these goggles. | ||
| These glasses. | ||
| These fucking... | ||
| Ridiculous paper glasses we're wearing. | ||
| Ari has these new t-shirts, and if you wear these glasses, these t-shirts look three-dimensional. | ||
| It's weird that no one's ever figured out a way to make 3D work without glasses. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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They have. | |
| But you go to the movies, you always have glasses. | ||
| Yeah, just make the fucking screen. | ||
| A 3D movie for all time. | ||
| 3D movie screen. | ||
| Yeah, but even those 3D screens, you have to wear glasses. | ||
| Yeah, no, bullshit. | ||
| Shouldn't have to. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like the Nintendo... | |
| I'm sorry, we live in a horrible... | ||
|
unidentified
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Bullshit! | |
| Our lives are worth in Ethiopia. | ||
| The Nintendo 3DS is an example of a small screen that you don't need glasses, and they do have small monitors that... | ||
| How good is it? | ||
| Have you used it? | ||
|
unidentified
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It's getting there. | |
| Is it better than the Game Boy graphics? | ||
| It's just Game Boy by 3D. Okay, like when you go to see like top level 3D, like Avatar. | ||
| Avatar was the best. | ||
| Who do I see that with? | ||
| At the fucking, that one place in the valley. | ||
| Like that opening scene where the dude is floating around, where they're all in that 3D floating around space. | ||
| Remember when they're coming out of their pods? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And he's floating. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, whoa. | ||
| It was like the greatest 3D of all time. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, wow. | ||
| And the islands, the floating islands were like, what the fuck? | ||
| The floating islands. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| You can't do that without glasses, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Not to that point yet. | |
| Not to that point. | ||
| I mean, it's still kind of small screens and not as good. | ||
|
unidentified
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Last I checked. | |
| Isn't it interesting that somebody even figured out how to do that? | ||
| How to do it. | ||
| Yeah, separate the red and the blue. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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You figured out how to make people look like they're floating in front of you. | |
| Give this extra dimensional aspect to what you're watching. | ||
| I remember the olden days when they had those spaceship movie 3Ds. | ||
| Like when I was like a young teenager, like 14, 12, something like that. | ||
| And the ships would come over you and you'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
| You'd have to lean back to avoid it. | ||
|
unidentified
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I want that 3D. None of that bullshit they give you now. | |
| Avatar was great. | ||
| Everything else is garbage. | ||
| Could you imagine if life was 3D? It is. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's not 3D like that. | ||
| No, not like that. | ||
| It's not 3D like that. | ||
| That's 3D in this really weird, freaky way where you see a car accident a mile away and all of a sudden it's in your face. | ||
|
unidentified
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A couple of good 3D movies. | |
| That slow motion movie was good in 3D? What movie was that? | ||
| It was like the new Judge Dredd or something. | ||
|
unidentified
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Sin City? | |
| No, it was like super slow motion. | ||
| They gave people the drug they were giving out was slow-mo. | ||
| So they give them slow-mo, then dump them off this fucking giant roof, and they die in like an hour and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, God. | |
| Take them to fall. | ||
| Slow-mo. | ||
| And then Jackass 3D. That and Avatar, those are the only three movies that have ever like, fuck yeah, 3D here works. | ||
| Avatar was insane. | ||
|
unidentified
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Avatar was insane. | |
| When they were flying, when they were on those dragons flying around, and it was in 3D, you're like, wow. | ||
| It was like your mouth is open. | ||
| God, it's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's glorious. | ||
|
unidentified
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Was Godzilla good in 3D? I never saw Godzilla. | |
| All these movies do five at the beginning and three at the end. | ||
| That's all they do. | ||
| And they give you garbage up front. | ||
| Recycle this when you're done with it. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I'm breaking it right in front of them. | ||
|
unidentified
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Do it. | |
| So they know. | ||
| That's what I do now. | ||
| I'm like, let John Lowe's know. | ||
| This isn't acceptable anymore. | ||
| This movie's bad. | ||
| You can't tell us it's 3D as we're going in saying it's going to be at 450. And then fucking nothing. | ||
| Five at the beginning, three at the end. | ||
| That's all they give you. | ||
| Five at the beginning, three at the end. | ||
| Five minutes at the beginning of 3D and then the end, so you go on your way out. | ||
| They'll throw some garbage at you. | ||
| Like, oh, remember it's 3D? No 3D the whole way. | ||
| You forget it because you watched the movie. | ||
|
unidentified
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Not even like atmosphere 3D? Just where it feels like depth? | |
| Nothing. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| They're just robbing you. | ||
|
unidentified
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It was a little... | |
| They added it later. | ||
| There was a little thing with the canyons and the big bug and the electrical nuclear power supply. | ||
| There was a few moments with the 3D. The fucking falling of cranes. | ||
| Where? | ||
| In what? | ||
| Godzilla? | ||
| Godzilla. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what the problem with Godzilla was? | ||
| Spoiler alert! | ||
|
unidentified
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Spoiler! | |
| If you've never seen Godzilla, shut your car off on the highway. | ||
| Brian, what don't you know about Godzilla? | ||
| It's a fucking Godzilla. | ||
| Shut the power off on your stereo on your car. | ||
| Spoiler alert King Kong for somebody. | ||
| Here's the spoiler alert. | ||
| King Kong loses in every movie. | ||
| Every movie. | ||
| Every movie. | ||
| He never wins. | ||
|
unidentified
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He never fucking wins. | |
| They should do a Fight Club type King Kong where he just fucking starts dominating, gets right off the statue of whatever he's on, the Empire State Building, and just goes and fucking smashes him shit. | ||
| That's what's up. | ||
| Goes underground. | ||
| Do you really think our puny bullets can penetrate the fucking Great Kong? | ||
|
unidentified
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Did Godzilla ever fight King Kong? | |
| No. | ||
| Well, yeah, but it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Well, they had to change the sizes. | ||
| Yeah, Godzilla was so much bigger. | ||
| Yeah, King Kong was only 50 feet tall. | ||
| Godzilla was 500 feet tall. | ||
| That's fucking retarded. | ||
| Yeah, but King Kong has black people's strength, so that overwhelms the bigger Asian. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Who would you think of fighting? | ||
| A big Asian or a little black guy? | ||
| He's not an Asian, and he's not a black person. | ||
| He's a gorilla, and that's a lizard. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fuck you! | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| I just became a social justice warrior. | ||
| I give in. | ||
| You fought for the right of freedom. | ||
| I'm on the wrong side. | ||
| I realize. | ||
| Being friends with you, Shafir, I'm on the wrong side. | ||
| Black people's strength, King Kong. | ||
| That's not a person. | ||
| It's a fucking gorilla. | ||
| How else do you justify that he fought even in that fight? | ||
| Well, because it was a fucking Japanese production, it didn't make any sense. | ||
| King Kong didn't even look like King Kong. | ||
| If you had that King Kong and the real King Kong in a lineup, people would really be able to distinguish between the two of them. | ||
| They'd be like, that is not the guy that fucked me. | ||
| It's the guy on the right, the little short dude, the 50-foot guy. | ||
| I don't know that 500-foot tall dude. | ||
| Who the fuck is he? | ||
| Where did he come from? | ||
| He's ten times bigger than that other dude I know. | ||
| Couldn't he just swim across the ocean? | ||
| That guy's way bigger than the guy I know. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| He was as big as Godzilla. | ||
| Did he get hit with radiation or anything? | ||
| No explanation whatsoever. | ||
| Just they want you to be stupid because it's 1962 or whatever the fuck it was when they made that movie. | ||
| There was no thinking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm looking at a picture right now. | |
| It's so hilarious of King Kong versus Godzilla. | ||
| Yeah, they're fighting over a giant. | ||
|
unidentified
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Because King Kong looks just like... | |
| It looks ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, I've watched them, dude. | ||
| When I was a kid, I fucking loved King Kong. | ||
| I loved King Kong, and my cousin Mike loved Godzilla. | ||
| We even got into fisticuffs at one juncture. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Over what? | ||
| What was better? | ||
| Over King Kong versus Godzilla. | ||
| Who would win? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was before they had that movie? | ||
| Or you both agreed that movie wasn't proof? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, we were both retarded. | |
| We were both six or whatever the fuck we were. | ||
| Five? | ||
| Probably five. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And we were arguing, going knuckles up over who would win. | ||
| Godzilla versus King Kong. | ||
| We were unsupervised children. | ||
| We fought them over it? | ||
| We totally fought. | ||
| God. | ||
| That's why. | ||
|
unidentified
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I was always on Godzilla's side. | |
| I was always on Godzilla's side. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| When I moved to New York, I finally realized any sort of racism, any fear-based racism, like I'm afraid of black people, just became, oh, I'm just afraid of the youth. | ||
| Anyone young, they're just rowdy and pushier. | ||
| They just shove... | ||
| They're more likely to shove and say something. | ||
| Like, settle down, young man. | ||
| Yeah, we were talking about that in the previous podcast. | ||
| We were talking about the scariest thing. | ||
| My friend Eric Crisp of Sugar Tree Cues. | ||
| I think you met him before. | ||
| Eric Crisp, maybe. | ||
| What city? | ||
| He's a cue maker. | ||
| What city? | ||
| He lives in New Mexico. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He said that teenage boys are the scariest thing on earth. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| They don't know limits. | ||
| And they're getting strong. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| They're like real cocky. | ||
| They're just coming into their bodies overwhelmed with like testosterone. | ||
| Rage! | ||
| And a lot of their versions of the world are based on movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll fuck you up. | ||
| Come to me that way. | ||
| I'll die for that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 17-year-old? | ||
| I think you will. | ||
| They say shit that makes you realize like, oh, you're just a child. | ||
| You're just a little boy who's like six feet tall. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They don't know anything. | ||
| You're 16 years old and you're really strong, but you're out there running through the world like a big baby almost. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Unsupervised baby. | ||
| No, big, strong, unsupervised baby who's just learning. | ||
| America's the best. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| Fucking fight. | ||
| It's because America's the best, right? | ||
| America's the best. | ||
| This one guy said it wasn't. | ||
| I fucking beat the shit out of him. | ||
| That bitch swallowed his teeth. | ||
| He'll learn. | ||
| Like, no, well, actually he had a point that he was trying to make. | ||
| No, fuck him. | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| You didn't even hear his point out. | ||
| America. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the world we live in, Ari Shafir. | ||
| Golly. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| Tough to get it together. | ||
| It's a goddamn mad race. | ||
| We're all dealing with a big spreadsheet of genetics that was sort of formulated back when people were running. | ||
| Avoid them like barking dogs. | ||
| You gotta just avoid them. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's in people's DNA, Ari. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're trapped in some 10,000-year-old shit. | ||
| Fight, murder, and rape. | ||
| And drug ourselves. | ||
| Cold syrup. | ||
| Did you ever get a hold of the real NyQuil? | ||
| No. | ||
| You never got a hold of the real NyQuil? | ||
| You never took it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Did it really fuck you up? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I remember, look, when I was on news radio, like in the late 90s, I'd never done any drugs. | ||
| I didn't do anything. | ||
| I would occasionally have a beer. | ||
| I don't know why he says that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You're like, guys, pot. | ||
| It's not the way to the fucking top. | ||
| I thought it made you lazy. | ||
|
unidentified
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For real. | |
| No bullshit. | ||
| But this was totally... | ||
| So fun when you learn new things. | ||
| You're like, I was wrong. | ||
| Let's go the other way. | ||
| Because I was wrong. | ||
| I was so wrong. | ||
| That's what I said about when I was still a virgin in college. | ||
| I'm like, guys, it's the same as masturbating. | ||
| Sorry, it's not. | ||
| I'm like, it's the same. | ||
| You orgasm. | ||
| That's the same. | ||
| It feels the same. | ||
| And they're like, man, so wrong. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| It feels considerably better. | ||
| What was I saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to like the purple stuff. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, don't make sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Robitussin. | |
| Oh, Robitussin. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, it wasn't even Robitussin. | ||
| It was that other stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
NyQuil. | |
| NyQuil. | ||
| The real NyQuil. | ||
| The real NyQuil with codeine. | ||
| So I wasn't doing anything. | ||
| Occasionally I would drink, but even then I would feel guilty. | ||
| Very, very, very rarely would try weed. | ||
| You hung out in pool all the time? | ||
| You never drank? | ||
| Not much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I didn't really drink. | ||
| I was trying to be healthy. | ||
| You know, that was like my thing. | ||
| You were a fighter, too. | ||
| You were all in shape. | ||
| I was just trying to be healthy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I was just trying to not be a loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| I love how you don't even know what it is to be a loser, but you're like, don't we just not be that? | ||
| Yeah, well, it's enough to scare off the wolves. | ||
| So you've never done drugs or alcohol, pretty much. | ||
| Yeah, but I got sick. | ||
| And now somebody gave... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I got sick, and I just felt like total shit, man. | ||
| I was just... | ||
| I got hit with the flu or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| So I took some NyQuil, and I felt so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What was that relaxing? | ||
| I felt so good. | ||
| It was codeine, man. | ||
| Whatever it's said to take, I took more. | ||
| You know, if it's said to take, like, if you weigh, like, up to 170 pounds, I'm like, yeah, we're about 190 pounds. | ||
| And I probably weighed like 169. I was lean, son. | ||
| I didn't have much fatty tissue. | ||
| I took a full dose. | ||
| You took a ladle? | ||
| This NyQuil fucked me up. | ||
| And I was deep in this pillow, this down pillow. | ||
| And I felt so loved. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I felt so loved. | ||
| I felt like the universe was just rubbing me with love. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I felt soaked. | ||
| What was in it? | ||
| What's in that? | ||
| Codeine. | ||
| Codeine, man. | ||
| What's codeine? | ||
| What drug is codeine? | ||
| It's a good one. | ||
| That's its own drug? | ||
| That's the drug? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's what you used to take when you were a kid growing up. | |
| You would take one thing and you'd do it right before you go to bed. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| But where can I find that now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can still get it. | |
| In what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta go to your doctor's office, coughing up a fake storm. | |
| If you got bronchitis, you can get it. | ||
| You just need to start coughing, rough your throat up a little bit. | ||
| And how do they give it to you? | ||
| A pill form or something? | ||
| Like, if you're gonna turn your girlfriend into the cops... | ||
| Drink it. | ||
| If you're gonna turn your girlfriend into the cops for domestic abuse, you'd punch yourself in the face a few times and call the police. | ||
| That's what you gotta do. | ||
| To get the codeine, you gotta raspy up your throat, man. | ||
| You gotta fuck it up. | ||
| You gotta cough a lot. | ||
| And they go, this poor gentleman needs some codeine. | ||
| It's usually way worse than this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm braved out because of this doctor appointment. | |
| I'm barely breathing. | ||
| And they hook you up with that. | ||
| I got prescribed for wisdom teeth out. | ||
| And my doctor, both of them have done a really good job. | ||
| So I was not really worried about this one. | ||
| He's like, if you need these, there's Vicodins. | ||
| He goes, if you don't need them, I'm sure you can find maybe somebody. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm a comedian. | ||
| I have multiple people telling me to tough it out. | ||
| Let's not say he said that. | ||
| Let's say he allegedly said that. | ||
| Let's say that. | ||
| Someone could track your dental records. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's like my friends did love it, though. | ||
| They're like, you don't use those? | ||
| I'm like, never been into them. | ||
| I'm like, well, you might be. | ||
| That stuff you're talking about is what all the celebrity kids mix with Red Bull and shit like that, and they drink it as a drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called purple drink and stuff. | |
| And that's all the beavers and stuff that get caught with the bottles of that. | ||
| What are they drinking? | ||
| What's the mixture? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Syrup. | |
| Syrup. | ||
| So that's what they're drinking. | ||
| Codeine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Codeine. | |
| It's usually mixed with Mountain Dew or something like that. | ||
| Jolly Ranchers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jolly Ranchers. | |
| This is a comedian. | ||
| I'm not gonna name names. | ||
| Don't you name names either, you fuck. | ||
| This is a comedian that used to have a real problem with NyQuil. | ||
| And club owners would have to buy him containers of NyQuil. | ||
| And bring them to him. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he would drink them. | ||
| Like, more than one in a night. | ||
| I would have said Duncan until he said club owners had to bring them. | ||
| Duncan was our first thing. | ||
| I can see him having a problem with NyQuil. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| And that's why. | ||
| They had to bring it for him. | ||
| Fault in this guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, he's a good comic. | ||
| Did he perform well on it? | ||
| He's very good. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think he was on it when I was on stage. | ||
| I think it's one of those things where, you know, you want to, like, fight the demons on into the night, you need some sort of chemical protection. | ||
| Take the codeine and rally against smog. | ||
| Did you see that yet? | ||
| Fuck yeah, I did. | ||
| The moment it came out, I was first in line. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| Hobbit? | ||
| Fucking Hobbit, man. | ||
| I love those movies, man. | ||
| The dragons in those Hobbits were such cool dragons. | ||
| Oh, they're the best. | ||
| I rooted for him. | ||
| Fucking elves. | ||
| You always root for your elves. | ||
| Elves are douchebags. | ||
| Quit singing songs all the time, idiot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking good fight. | ||
| You guys are way too happy with yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you're really good with a bone arrow. | ||
| We're lovely. | ||
| We're all lovely. | ||
| That fucking dragon was so dope. | ||
| The CGI they can do together. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I don't know how many people are working together on that thing, but the CGI that they were able to concoct, what they're able to do- Did it look really good? | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It looks like it's a real thing, and there's another real thing that it's interacting with. | ||
| The CGI is so good, especially with dragons, because dragons aren't real. | ||
| So you don't know what they really look like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| You can't use video in the wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But if you look at, like, a dog, like, when they CGI dogs, it just looks slightly goofy. | ||
| There's just a slight goofiness to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| They haven't totally overcome yet. | ||
| But they've overcome it with dragons. | ||
| And also with dinosaurs. | ||
| Yeah, they don't move quite right. | ||
| It's like, what are you doing with your fucking... | ||
| Why are you walking like that, dogs? | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| I think hair is a big one. | ||
| I think hair is tough to reproduce. | ||
| I think they have a real hard time, like, making, like, accurate-looking ripples and stuff like that. | ||
| Because it's all done with programs and they have to use all these like various technologies to figure out how to fucking shade things correctly and use the proper textures and it's like it's really complex. | ||
| Hair moves too slowly? | ||
| Doesn't like jitter like it does in the wind like normal? | ||
| Well, you know, Clay Guida couldn't be in the early UFC games because he wouldn't cut his hair. | ||
| Couldn't get his hair down. | ||
| So Clay Guida, his hair was so important to him that he chose to not be in the early UFC games. | ||
| Instead of cut it. | ||
| Yeah, because he's like, I mean, I don't know if anybody ever... | ||
| Pull that hair and just yank it down during a fight? | ||
| You're not allowed to. | ||
| You're not allowed? | ||
| You used to be able to do that. | ||
| In fact, Hoyce Gracie used Kimo's hair like it was a really important part of him winning that fight. | ||
| He was beating the shit out of him from his back and then he set up an arm bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But Hoist was holding on to his ponytail. | ||
| Like, he had a grip on the back of his head. | ||
| Like, it's ridiculous to give someone the ability to hold on to the back of your hair if that's, like, a part of fighting. | ||
| Eric Paulson, he's another guy who got in a bad situation because the guy was grabbing his hair and punched him in the head. | ||
| Like, in real life, like, oh, you can't have hair like this. | ||
| It's bad for a fight. | ||
| It's easier to grab onto. | ||
| You have a handle on your head, son. | ||
| It's like my bit about the duck hunting guys, the Duck Dynasty guys and their beard. | ||
| Yeah, it's easier to hold onto. | ||
| Yeah, if someone wants to fuck your face, that's a goddamn handle right there. | ||
| That's the best way to do it. | ||
| This is the best way. | ||
| You gave them a handle to hold onto your mouth. | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| You're leaving it open for me. | ||
| Yeah, but they can do it with dinosaurs and they can do it with dragons. | ||
| Jurassic Park got it great. | ||
| Jurassic Park had it great. | ||
| The first Jurassic Park. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| You can't watch it on TV now. | ||
| You can't watch it on TV because it looks terrible. | ||
| On the screen, that was awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I saw the new trailer. | ||
| It looks amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would they go back there ever? | |
| Why would they keep going back? | ||
| Fucking ten years later, that's it? | ||
| Is that what it is though? | ||
| Or is it a total reboot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I feel like it's a reboot, like Spider-Man. | ||
| Like they're rebooting it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're going back. | |
| They're going back? | ||
| You can see it on the... | ||
| There's like a map. | ||
| You can see the quarantine zone. | ||
| Like you're not supposed to go here. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| They fixed the rest of the shit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish we could play that. | |
| We could play it on this TV. The trailer? | ||
| Yeah, play it on this TV so we could watch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The trailer? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, I hope it's in 3D because then we'll already be ready. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I don't think it will. | ||
| It definitely will not be. | ||
| We're going to probably go blind by the end of the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| Keep these fucking glasses on. | ||
| Does anybody feel uncomfortable or is it just me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a little bit uncomfortable. | |
| Maybe we should go without the glasses. | ||
| So they're going back. | ||
| Can we get some volume? | ||
| So we'll listen to this? | ||
| Oh, Tweety Birds over my head. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Oh, you have Tweety Birds. | ||
| Who put Tweety Birds over his head? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Birds? | |
| That's rude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If someone chases you, run. | |
| If someone chases you or something... | ||
| Ten years ago, they were killing people. | ||
| Don't joke about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| We joke about Hiroshima. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| So what we're watching, people that are listening at home, is a super dope yacht headed towards an island that is populated by... | ||
| And this little fucking kid pushes it up front so he can just see. | ||
| Not everyone else is watching? | ||
| Where's your dad, fuckface? | ||
| Push it up front? | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Learn some manners, you little cunt. | ||
| You white privileged little cis privilege. | ||
|
unidentified
|
White privilege! | |
| White privilege! | ||
| Cisgendered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now they're in some balls. | |
| Little suppressive asshole. | ||
| Now they're in these weird trains and pods. | ||
| And they're just casually strolling around dinosaurs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then it's zero. | |
| Yeah, there's a shark suspended. | ||
| And an impossibly huge dinosaur comes out of the water, eats the shark. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And ruins everyone's iPhones. | |
| And you know what I realized when I look at that? | ||
| You gotta feed that fucker a lot of sharks. | ||
| How many sharks does that thing need to eat today? | ||
| A lot, probably. | ||
| It's way bigger than the shark. | ||
| I doubt they planned this out. | ||
| That's some science shit. | ||
| So many super hot scientists for no reason. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Super hot with bangs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is that broad? | |
| Probably not a good idea. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| That guy's hot as fuck too. | ||
| I would just wish this would turn into Guardians of the Galaxy 2. I haven't seen the first one yet. | ||
| Because you're an idiot. | ||
| Oh, how dare you. | ||
| It's a good movie. | ||
| There's a handsome bastard right there. | ||
| Also, Deer Hunter. | ||
| Look how pretty that girl is. | ||
| Evacuate the island. | ||
| Would you be willing to give it all up, the whole Hollywood dream, just to be in her arms for the rest of your life in harmony? | ||
| Every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| I don't like it. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like this background. | |
| She said run! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get that girl away from me. | |
| Ooh, I love the sound. | ||
| Oh, good lord. | ||
| And the racin against Velociraptors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And the Velociraptors are running away from what is chasing him. | ||
| Because they're all gonna get killed. | ||
| A super dinosaur. | ||
| It's a new super dinosaur. | ||
| Yeah, like regular dinosaurs weren't funky enough. | ||
| For sure, the giant one they fed the sharks to, that's coming back into play later. | ||
| That's not going to only be a plot point they're going to hit once. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That could be it. | ||
| Yeah, it's very possible that's it. | ||
| I don't think it is. | ||
| My bet said it's not. | ||
| I think it's probably really expensive to film underwater shit, and they're like, look, if we could stick to the jungles, we could save about $75 million from the budget. | ||
| No way! | ||
| They're gonna do it all! | ||
| This is a trick movie. | ||
| James Cameron has this underwater technology down pat. | ||
| He's the only guy right now because of Avatar 2. And he's deep sea diving in the rig, right? | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| He goes down like the bottom of the fucking ocean. | ||
| He's setting records. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| What? | ||
| Him. | ||
| Think about him. | ||
| The guy's nuts. | ||
| He goes to the bottom of the ocean, and he, like, innovates. | ||
| He's, like, one of those guys that's involved in the innovation as far as, like, deep-sea filming and exploration. | ||
| He's going down in little one-man submarines and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where he's gonna die. | ||
| He's gonna die in one of those things. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Maybe not, though. | ||
| Even more incredible if he gets through all this and he's fine. | ||
| Yeah, you can see the depths of the fucking... | ||
| where no one has ever been. | ||
| Look, he's got enough money to do it correctly. | ||
| God. | ||
| I mean, he's incredibly wealthy and incredibly smart. | ||
| Do you think he has a wife that's like, you should take me with you next time. | ||
| You don't think I want to see that stuff? | ||
| That's how annoying his wife is. | ||
| He goes to the bottom of the ocean to get away from her. | ||
| Could you imagine if that's what he said? | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| James Cameron, why did you go to the bottom of the ocean? | ||
| Because my wife won't shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just can't. | |
| That was his post-game interview. | ||
| We're not saying it is, Mr. Cameron. | ||
| Please, please don't hack our station. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please. | |
| We're humble servants of the Lord. | ||
| The overlord Cameron. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| I'm a huge James Cameron fan. | ||
| I love that fucking movie. | ||
| He does cool stuff. | ||
| Not just that one. | ||
| I love a million of his movies. | ||
| What else has he done? | ||
| God damn. | ||
| We want to pull up his IMDb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're making two sequels to Avatar, right? | |
| No way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Avatar 2 and Avatar 3. Is that what I... Really? | ||
| You're making two of them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's done so many movies, man. | ||
| Yeah, he did Aliens, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the Terminator movies. | |
| Yeah, he did the Terminator movies. | ||
| Terminator movies, that's right. | ||
| And then he married the girl. | ||
| Did he do the first one, too? | ||
| He married the girl from the Terminator movies, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| I'm gonna fuck my star. | ||
| Never found her that hot. | ||
| What? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I always thought she was just like there. | ||
| Take a lap. | ||
| Take a lap. | ||
| I'll stand by it. | ||
| She's a date in six. | ||
| Oh, she's so sexy. | ||
| She's a survivor, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three new Avatar movies. | |
| Wow, three new? | ||
| So there's going to be four of them total? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Damn, he did Titanic. | ||
| Motherfucker did Titanic. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oh yeah, Titanic. | ||
| And Aliens. | ||
| You know, I had a problem with Aliens and I still do. | ||
| The only reason I have a problem with it is because I saw Alien. | ||
| Aliens is all of a sudden they became dopey and easy to kill. | ||
| Because there were more of them. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Alien, the first one, He's incredibly smart and slick and avoiding people. | ||
| And he finds a way to ambush you when you're not looking. | ||
| You turn around and he's there. | ||
| That's what they always do in the movies. | ||
| They scale wrong. | ||
| So you can murder a thousand people trying to stop you, but then one guy, it's difficult. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unless that one alien was that bad of an ass. | |
| He was just born. | ||
| He was a newborn with no one to teach him. | ||
| The problem is... | ||
| He had no one to teach him, right? | ||
| He's the one who escaped out of the fucking belly and ran off? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| He's living on his own. | ||
| You're really being compassionate. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| No one talked to a little guy. | ||
| On his own, he figured that out. | ||
| Maybe what we would do to fix the alien population is get them together, like when they're really young, and feed them only vegetables. | ||
| Oh, you're right. | ||
| Turn them into vegans. | ||
| Little vegan aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Change them. | |
| Change them. | ||
| Just give them beans. | ||
| Beans are fine. | ||
| There's a lot of protein. | ||
| The aliens. | ||
| Mr. Alien, we have a bowl of beans. | ||
| It fucking slams its head into the door trying to get at you. | ||
| Trying to kill you. | ||
| You keep it in some sort of a cell. | ||
| We have your beans. | ||
| Fucking get away from me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fuck! | |
| You fuck! | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| When are they going to be vegan? | ||
| They should be vegan by now! | ||
| It's been wigs! | ||
| You go to try to retrieve your tray and there's fucking teeth mark in it, big shark bites taken out of it. | ||
| Why are you eating metal? | ||
| Don't! | ||
| Just eat vegetables! | ||
| Mr. Alien! | ||
| Okay, I'm not giving you anything but mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and yams. | ||
| And vegan butter. | ||
| Cat escapes and goes in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're just clawing at the door. | |
| Clawing every day for 16 hours clawing at the door. | ||
| Eventually they'll get calm instead of the stereo. | ||
| They have to bring in engineers to figure out when they're going to get tired. | ||
| They don't seem to be getting tired. | ||
| We should just give them some meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| It's all about the meat experience. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I can't give them the meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be a good sequel to Alien. | |
| again. | ||
| Alien the vegan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine something like Alien? | |
| Just take one right out of the chest. | ||
| It explodes into a tube. | ||
| We have the tube set up on the guy's chest when you know he's going to give birth to the alien. | ||
| Right when it breaks through, it breaks through into one of those vacuum things. | ||
| The old mail slots? | ||
| Yeah, the mail slots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those fucking things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those tubes. | |
| That's the best way to get an abortion, is stick your vagina in that. | ||
| Jamie and I were looking at another warehouse space, and one of the spaces, like podcast studio space, one of the spaces had one of those things in it. | ||
| Still there? | ||
| He opened the cap, he sticks something in it, he closed it. | ||
| Well, we don't know. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, we don't know if it worked, but they had a thing there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They had one of those fucking launcher things. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| And then people just knew it just went to the right place, just shh. | ||
| I guess there was a destination on the other end. | ||
| The mailroom? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it might have been... | ||
| The place that we were looking at, they did all sorts of weird experiments. | ||
| So I don't know what the fuck kind of weird shit they were doing inside there. | ||
| They were doing missile technology. | ||
| Yeah, we looked at warehouses where they had previously done missile technology shit. | ||
| They probably weren't even supposed to tell us that, right? | ||
| Probably those motherfuckers. | ||
| They probably violated some sort of a constitutional amendment. | ||
| We all start getting, like, knee cancer from just being there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Knee cancer. | ||
| Knee cancer. | ||
| Yeah, but they had a tube. | ||
| They had one of those... | ||
| Wow, that's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, I would stick my hand in all the time. | ||
| Hold it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Of course. | ||
| Eventually, you'd have your dick in there, right? | ||
| With a fleshlight. | ||
| Someone would. | ||
| Just saw the bottom off a fleshlight or unscrew it and just... | ||
| Is this pure suction? | ||
| Yeah, I'll just... | ||
| Suction. | ||
| Someone's gonna do it. | ||
| Like, it's pulling you back in. | ||
| Someone would definitely do it. | ||
| It might be built perfectly for it. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| Imagine if no one knew, but then, like, you get, like, the standard, like, male slot vacuum thing, and you put a flashlight to it, and you're like, oh my god, look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shunk! | |
| It just, like, locks in place, like, thunk! | ||
| This is like, it's like Indiana Jones, where you, like, put the right thing into the wall, and you turn the key. | ||
| To make it work. | ||
| Oh, but then the worst part about that is after you come, it would just shut up that fucking slot, and someone else would just shoot it into somebody's office. | ||
| No, we're going to test it, just catch a fucking facial. | ||
| No, it goes right into the ocean, and it feeds fish. | ||
| It's biodegradable. | ||
| Oh, this is all set up just for that? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You're building infrastructure. | ||
| Yeah, it's in Malibu. | ||
| It's the same house that they use to film Iron Man. | ||
| We're just coming on dolphins. | ||
| Dolphins swimming in it and loving it. | ||
| The vacuum tubes leading out into the ocean. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Yeah, if somebody came up with something like that, have you seen the latest stuff they're doing with Oculus Rift? | ||
| They're doing Oculus Rift first-person porn. | ||
| They're doing three-dimensional, yeah, virtual reality. | ||
| And so you have stuff on you, it's going to, like, touch you and stuff? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| Right now, it's just you're watching it. | ||
| And you're watching it, and it looks like you're actually doing it. | ||
| Yeah, but eventually they're gonna be able to sync that up with something that stimulates your senses. | ||
| You still haven't watched a South Park Oculus Rift episode, have you? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, you gotta watch this whole season of South Park. | |
| It's an amazing season. | ||
| Don't watch one episode. | ||
| This is the first season where the whole season holds together as one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a movie. | |
| They have through lines. | ||
| Start at the beginning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have... | |
| I'm guilty of not watching enough South Park. | ||
| I'm really guilty. | ||
| I need to get on it. | ||
| Is it on Netflix too? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's on southparkstudios.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it on Apple TV? It's on Hulu Plus. | |
| Hulu Plus? | ||
| It's probably on the Comedy Central. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's southparkstudios.com. | |
| Well, Comedy Central, you use an HDMI to get it to the Comedy Central Direct or ccdirect.com? | ||
| No, but not even.com. | ||
| Don't they have their own Apple TV and then... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have their own app. | |
| Oh, they have an app. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So if you have an iPad or an iPhone, you just use that app. | |
| The UFC has an app now, too. | ||
| If you go on Apple TV, yeah, they have an app. | ||
| Like, you go on Apple TV, you can go to the UFC.tv. | ||
| You can go and watch Fight Pass. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, Fight Pass is available on Apple TV. And you can watch fights like that? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| I was watching the other day. | ||
| I was bored, and I just said, let me just watch some old fights. | ||
| And I watched, like, two hours of old fights. | ||
| I just kept choosing different fights. | ||
| Yeah, we were Renazisis. | ||
| All those old, they each have their own symbol. | ||
| Whatever the fucking device is. | ||
| I haven't watched TV on a regular TV in forever. | ||
| What do they have those things up there where you can go to the Netflix one and the FX and... | ||
| Oh, like little icons you click on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And because they all just have their own live HBO Go. | ||
| They all have their own live feed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you just Apple TV it into the TV. Apple TV is incredible. | |
| The only thing that's incredible is live sports. | ||
| But now they've got that. | ||
| You can watch live Fox, live CBS. That's eventually going to happen. | ||
| I mean, why wouldn't they just... | ||
| Get what you want to get. | ||
| Don't get what you don't want to get. | ||
| Have it all available to everyone. | ||
| The regular television networks are going to be obsolete. | ||
| There's almost no way around it. | ||
| It's just too difficult to support that sort of model when someone can do something like Netflix where they can have the entire season up in advance. | ||
| In advance. | ||
| When you're ready, here it all is. | ||
| There's this Marco Polo show I'm watching. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| It's on Netflix. | ||
| It's fucking good, dude. | ||
| And the entire season is in advance. | ||
| You just download the whole season. | ||
| You binge watch from the jump. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking great. | ||
| They've got a good model. | ||
| Ah, they're so, they're killing it. | ||
| But they have like some insane amount of people that have subscribed. | ||
| Yeah, because they keep putting out good products. | ||
| 70 million worldwide and 70 million people paying seven bucks a month. | ||
| That's a lot of fucking people, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lot. | |
| That's insane. | ||
| The money's insane. | ||
| Yeah, they keep putting it back into like making new shows and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| Game of cards. | ||
| House of cards. | ||
| And also stand-up specials. | ||
| They're great for stand-up specials. | ||
| Netflix, my first one, my first legit one, I did it for Netflix, then put it on Showtime. | ||
| That was 2005. That was old Netflix. | ||
| They were always doing things like that, though. | ||
| They've done a lot. | ||
| The Bill Burr one they did, the black and white one from Atlanta. | ||
| And my special can be seen this Friday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| On Comedy Central. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| It's Friday night at midnight. | ||
| 11 p.m. | ||
| if you're in the middle zones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you can get it right now, right? | |
| You can get it right now. | ||
| Go to arieshaphir.com, arieshaphir.com. | ||
| Wait, what are you saying? | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| It's available right now for download. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| What don't you understand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Okay, hold on. | ||
| Let's back up. | ||
| You're trying to tell me that you can get your special right now at arieshaphir.com. | ||
| It's not even been on Comedy Central yet. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's not even been on Comedy Central. | ||
| And you'll get the bigger version, the 30 extra minutes. | ||
| That is fucking outrageous. | ||
| And a Jew and A. Yes. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The Jew and A is one of the funniest things. | ||
| That is outrageous. | ||
| Have you ever seen the Jew and A? No. | ||
| Yeah, of course I have, man. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| A million times. | ||
| The back of the Comedy Store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ask a Jew a question. | ||
| Ask a Jew a question. | ||
| That's just fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was there before it was a Jew and A. Before somebody came up with, like, Jew and A. That's short in the Q&A Jew and A. Yeah. | |
| It was weird watching you film that there. | ||
| That was one of the first days I ever came back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I came back the day before that to watch the roast battle. | ||
| I like how you said, I don't make a big deal with your special. | ||
| Let me just get it out of the way now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted it to be, I wanted it to be, I wanted just to see your special, take it in, not as someone like, I can't believe I'm at the store the very first time back in seven years, and I'm seeing Ari's special. | ||
| Being filmed, I wanted to get that out of the way, so I got that out of the way first. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| It was so weird seeing you up there doing your special. | ||
| Like, killing it. | ||
| Oh, thanks. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Why weird? | ||
| Well, not weird, like, unexpected. | ||
| Just surreal in so many different ways. | ||
| Knowing you as long as I've known you. | ||
| Knowing you when you really first started doing stand-up. | ||
| And you watched me on that stage fucking as a terrible new comic. | ||
| Well, as a smart, open-miker that had potential. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| But super green, anyway. | ||
| Yeah, but I thought you'd be fine. | ||
| I remember the moment I first started talking to you, I was like, this guy can do it. | ||
| I'm like, all you have to do is just keep going. | ||
| I knew you were smart, and you were funny, and you were young, and we were all young and awkward, but you were... | ||
| You had an idea. | ||
| Like, if you had an idea, you could say, we could be all talking, and you would say something, and people would go, yeah, you know, and that's all you need. | ||
| That's all you need, and then you have to be able to draw from that. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But I knew you were smart, and I knew you were, you know, you were pretty driven to be a stand-up comic. | ||
| Like, you really wanted it. | ||
| I knew you were going to make it. | ||
| I knew you were going to make it. | ||
| It was just one of those things. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| You couldn't. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| No, no one can. | ||
| I mean, that's just what it's all about. | ||
| I mean, that's also part of what drives you to put in the work. | ||
| That takes you to make it. | ||
| We all know guys that started out at the same time as you, that were really talented. | ||
| Like you were. | ||
| They had the same kind of potential that you had. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of them. | ||
| I don't even want to mention names because I don't want them to hear this podcast to be bummed out and how things went on. | ||
| They didn't go on to become professional comedians even. | ||
| They just kind of got a job somewhere and they never figured out how to follow through. | ||
| But there's a few guys that we could talk about off air. | ||
| They were like really goddamn good. | ||
| They were really good. | ||
| Yeah, running in to watch their sets. | ||
| But I think that's for the guys who do get through. | ||
| It's a stern warning. | ||
| Like, don't think you're special. | ||
| Like, don't think you can ever relax. | ||
| Don't think you can ever take time off of analyzing what you're doing and making sure that you're doing it right. | ||
| Don't take it for granted. | ||
| Don't take the audience for granted, ever. | ||
| Don't, you know, just... | ||
| Well, at every level of development, somebody's dropped off. | ||
| So even somebody's like, how to hit, you know, special. | ||
| And then it's like, then they drop off there. | ||
| Someone else has one good open mic joke and drop off there. | ||
| Like, at every level, you're going to have a... | ||
| Have however many people, ten people at that level, and it's going to drop off to three that make it to the next level. | ||
| We can all crash and burn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, one of the things that's really excited me about being back at the Comedy Store and also deciding that I'm going to stay in L.A. for a while. | ||
| This area that we have now, the amount of cool places to work, the amount of cool comics, the amount of funny guys that are in this area that we're at right now, this is really rare. | ||
| This is a rare spot, man. | ||
| We've done some of these shows at the Ice House. | ||
| The last one we did I think it was you and Bill Burr and Joey Diaz and Brian Callen and Ian Edwards. | ||
| And we're sitting around and I was like, this is the fucking most murderous lineup I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| And we all live here, you know? | ||
| We all drive here on a Wednesday night to hug each other, smoke some joints. | ||
| You know, and Brian's doing the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| He's getting millions of downloads out of the same spot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going up there and you're killing it in front of this crazy Pasadena crowd too. | ||
| I know about comedy. | ||
| These are crazy shows, man. | ||
| I mean, these are shows that are just like... | ||
| Yeah, me and Metzger always get into a fight over, like, LA or New York who has better comics. | ||
| But then I always point to, like, guys like Byrds. | ||
| Like, you developed their best ones and then shipped them off to us. | ||
| So, like, we're the Yankees. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| Fucking, we have the best team. | ||
| There's no best. | ||
| Yeah, this doesn't matter. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| It's all bullshit. | ||
| Like, the idea of arguing about that... | ||
| There's two good environments for stand-up, and I think one of the advantages that you have, coming from the LA model, which is less clubs, less sets, to the New York model, which is more clubs, more sets, more travel, you're hopping back and forth from club to club, is that you're coming from two different perspectives. | ||
| Yeah, I like they're both. | ||
| I like they're both. | ||
| There's weaknesses that each one has, and they just can deal with it because they're used to that scene. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like your jokes, your laughs per joke, the tightness of your joke has become cleaner since you went to New York. | ||
| Yeah, in New York there's a lot of like, come on, come on, get to it, get to it. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's a good thing to have. | ||
| But then also center it with something else where it's not all about an ironic level of just, here's my writing joke. | ||
| They have a lot of that where it's not so much truthful, it's more like, here's a good joke about a thing. | ||
| Well, what I was going to say is I think that the combination of what you brought from your experience in LA and on the road and then going to New York, that's a good mixture. | ||
| And I think that ultimately that's all you could want as a comic. | ||
| I think one of the things that's really important for all of us that seems to be important when I watch other people do it, when I'm outside of it, is life experiences equal funny, equals perspective, equals funny. | ||
| The more experiences you have in your life, the more material you're going to have. | ||
| You know, and I mean, experience is like, go do something. | ||
| Like, go somewhere. | ||
| Go do something, yeah. | ||
| Go do something. | ||
| Go try something out. | ||
| Like, Bill Burr's bit about being a helicopter pilot. | ||
| Have you ever seen that bit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Let's get this new bit of a special about learning how to fly a helicopter. | ||
| I'm not saying anything more, because it's just that fucking... | ||
| It's that fucking good. | ||
| I don't want to ruin any of it. | ||
| I won't ruin it by saying the word helicopter, so I'll leave it at that. | ||
| But it's one of my all-time favorite bits. | ||
| And it's a bit that he developed by actually doing that. | ||
| By actually learning how to fly a helicopter. | ||
| He actually can fly. | ||
| So I think that doing stuff... | ||
| Yeah, he's got a dog. | ||
| He had that great pit bull joke. | ||
| I like to watch people cross the street while he's coming at them. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I like the power. | ||
| He's got a lot of great jokes. | ||
| Living a little. | ||
| Yeah, living. | ||
| Experiencing life. | ||
| It's a whole different scene in New York. | ||
| Not just like the comics, but I'm talking about the girls, the bars, and the way you walk instead of drive. | ||
| Yeah, just a new experience in general. | ||
| Like, get your fucking mind moving. | ||
| It gets everything fired up in a new way. | ||
| And, I mean, even if you don't want to move somewhere, I mean, try jujitsu. | ||
| Do something weird. | ||
| It's a different route to work every day. | ||
| Try surfing. | ||
| Learn how to surf. | ||
| Take a fucking lesson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get out there in the fucking shark-infested waters of Santa Monica. | |
| Swim for your life, boy! | ||
| Swim for your life! | ||
| Your toes are in the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum. | |
| You know what I did for this special too? | ||
| I worked this out in 10 countries. | ||
| This material. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting, man. | ||
| I went to a bunch of different places and tried it as much as I could. | ||
| Well, you did a lot of comedy in China, and we talked about that the last time you were here with all that gutter oil stuff. | ||
| Was that the last time I was here in June? | ||
| July, when I got back? | ||
| It was right when I got back from China. | ||
| Was that the last time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so. | |
| Man. | ||
| You might have been here in between. | ||
| It's hard to tell. | ||
| Oh, yeah, maybe. | ||
| Oh, maybe I was here to tape the special. | ||
| Could be, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think you were. | ||
| But doing comedy there for like a specific type of people, it's like, oh, interesting. | ||
| All right, some stuff works, some stuff doesn't. | ||
| Do they just go to see anybody who comes there every week? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, but a lot of them would. | ||
| They'll read, like, this comic's in town. | ||
| People seem to like him. | ||
| They'll be like, oh, maybe I'll go. | ||
| Well, it is pretty cool if you're in a spot, if someone figures out a way to get really good comics to fly out all the way to Singapore and perform in front of you. | ||
| Like, that's got to be pretty fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brent Weinbach just got back. | ||
| They loved him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They loved him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a funny dude. | |
| He's so weird and funny. | ||
| Yeah, he's very funny, though. | ||
| I really enjoy watching him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's so outside the box. | ||
| What we're saying is, like, this is a great time. | ||
| There's so many good comics right now. | ||
| This is, like, maybe the best time of all time. | ||
| There's a bunch of good people doing good stuff. | ||
| You're like, yeah, cool, man, cool. | ||
| Yeah, like, if you take yourself out of the mix. | ||
| Yeah, take yourself out and then judge the system. | ||
| And then look at the system. | ||
| Good shows. | ||
| There's so many shows and there's also like the ability to promote oneself through the internet has gotten to this point where you get to know people. | ||
| We've talked many times about Robin Harris who was a really funny black comic back in the 90s. | ||
| He died before anybody got to know who he was. | ||
| But he didn't really have the distribution. | ||
| He was in, like, a couple of movies. | ||
| He did, like, a little bit of... | ||
| He had a CD called Bay-Based Kids. | ||
| Bay-Based Kids, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but he was just so goddamn good, man, at the time. | ||
| But for whatever reason, the distribution method just wasn't available for him at the time. | ||
| And it's available now. | ||
| It's way better than it's available now. | ||
| You can just find your... | ||
| That's why there's no big... | ||
| What's going on over there, Brian? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just trying to get my sweatshirt. | |
| That's why there's no giant bands anymore. | ||
| Looks like you're on fire. | ||
| Because you don't need a Beatles for everybody. | ||
| You just need very specific things for very specific audiences. | ||
| Dave Matthews band. | ||
| So they break it down further and further. | ||
| And it's like, you don't have to like Dave Matthews band. | ||
| You can like a little bit more of an upbeat Dave Matthews band. | ||
| Well, guess what? | ||
| There's nine bands that are playing that type of music right now. | ||
| And you can find all of them. | ||
| You don't have to wait for the radio to bring it to you. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| So you can't get these massive stars anymore. | ||
| Do you think that's true, though? | ||
| I mean, how does Justin Bieber emerge? | ||
| Kids music. | ||
| Kids music is the only way it works. | ||
| Yeah, and he was still through those distribution methods. | ||
| Those kids don't download shit yet. | ||
| I think that's probably best for everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| There's no giant stars. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of people that essentially should be giant stars that for whatever reason don't get considered in the same breath as like Jim Morrison or Janis Joplin or dead people, right? | ||
| Like, okay, Chris Cornell. | ||
| Chris Cornell from Soundgarden, maybe one of the greatest vocalists of all time. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Dude, he's a monster. | ||
| He's still around, right? | ||
| Dude, of course he is. | ||
| But, I mean, if you, like, if you looked at, like, people who people, like, worship as being, like, all-time greats, for whatever reason, that guy, like, slips through the cracks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Some people just hold up and some people don't when you talk about him 20 years later. | ||
| That guy's amazing. | ||
| Listen to Spoonman, you know? | ||
| I mean, that guy had the most insane voice. | ||
| His voice is incredible. | ||
| Did you hear the guy who took over for him? | ||
| Was that that band or the other band? | ||
| Who's the black guy that took over for the white guy? | ||
| Give it to me, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know you don't. | |
| The black guy that took over for the white bye? | ||
| Yeah, they kind of... | ||
| White bye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
White bye? | |
| Down in a Hole. | ||
| Who sang Down in a Hole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, is that Allison James? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The black guy took over after... | ||
| Oh, they got a new lead singer and he's black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lane Stanley died. | |
| And he sounds exactly like Lane Staley. | ||
| Exactly like Lane Staley. | ||
| And you forget the fact that it's not Lane Staley until he sings Down in a Hole. | ||
| All right. | ||
| We're going to play a little game of YouTube Roulette. | ||
| Yeah, can you tell? | ||
| Let's see if we get kicked off YouTube by playing this. | ||
| You get kicked off YouTube by playing it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| We get kicked off all the time. | ||
| Why? | ||
| So, I don't know. | ||
| It just happens. | ||
| So, let's see. | ||
| Let's play it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Free information trade, everybody! | |
| What's it called? | ||
| I have to find something with him and singing it. | ||
| Okay, what's homeboy's name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
William Duvall, I have it. | |
| William Duvall? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, let's just find out some of their new shit. | ||
| He sounds just like... | ||
| He sings the old stuff, too. | ||
| He doesn't seem black to me, man. | ||
| Boom, there he is. | ||
| That guy doesn't look that black. | ||
| He is black. | ||
| He looks, like, Sephardic. | ||
| Notice I used that really... | ||
| Safest way to say it. | ||
| Really articulate term. | ||
| Sephardic. | ||
| Makes you sound more cultured. | ||
| Yes, thank you. | ||
| He's a Semite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man in a box. | |
| That's the guy? | ||
| No, that's a white guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Jerry Cantrell. | |
| I think it's the guitar player. | ||
| That guy looks like he does meth. | ||
| Wow, Jerry Cantrell looks like he should be in a fucking Nickelback. | ||
| Where is the black one? | ||
| Bring him to me. | ||
| He's so happy with life and everything, though, so it's tough to believe that he can actually sing about heroin. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's the only song I don't buy from him. | ||
| Them Bones. | ||
| You know that song? | ||
| Them Bones. | ||
| He sings it all. | ||
| Big ol' pile of them bones. | ||
| Oh, that guy's buck. | ||
| Now, you realize. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Different angles. | ||
| Oh, that guy's buck. | ||
| Black as fuck. | ||
| That is not the same dude. | ||
| At some point or another. | ||
| I gotta hear what this dude sounds like. | ||
| You gotta hear it. | ||
| Just fast forward a minute and a half. | ||
| Get Born Again, 1998. Well, this is Lane Staley then. | ||
| This isn't the black gentleman. | ||
| I don't know yet. | ||
| You think it's both? | ||
| After Lane Staley died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Staley died in 2002. The band decided to reunite for a benefit concert. | |
| That was the starting point for a new beginning of Alice in Chains. | ||
| 14 years, they released a new album with lead singer William Duvall. | ||
| Well, what is this? | ||
| Why am I reading this, Jamie? | ||
| Can I hear this gentleman sing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's... | |
| Yeah, just fast forward a minute and a half. | ||
| Where's the black guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you guys ready for this? | |
| That's Gene Simmons. | ||
| What the fuck kind of fuckery? | ||
| That's the guy? | ||
| It looks like him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So it's about their journey. | |
| Whoa, that's that dude singing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is bullshit. | |
| I want to hear about your journey. | ||
| Jamie, this is probably your biggest failure you've ever had here. | ||
| I just want to say, as an artist, as an artist, artist to artist, shut up about your fucking journey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not a hobbit, okay? | ||
| You're a goddamn singer in a rock and roll band. | ||
| I know what you're doing, bitch. | ||
| You're a journey. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| They so overdo that. | ||
| Fucking shut up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| Grab me a river. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Journey. | ||
| Journey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had to take my own guitar case up to my room. | |
| Fur-topped boots, tied up with fucking sinew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you hike over the hill? | |
| We always see DSA guys with leather pants in Hollywood during the day when it's hot out. | ||
| He's like, that's the only pants they own. | ||
| They're their fucking show pants. | ||
| They're hot as shit, and now it's melting inside. | ||
| Your ball bag's simmering in there. | ||
| It's cooking. | ||
| It's like a fucking ceviche. | ||
| Jamie, this is the same video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, Jamie. | |
| Come on, dude. | ||
| What's going on over there? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Jamie's been off. | ||
| Top five William Duvall songs. | ||
| Last couple. | ||
| Wow, that looks weird with the 3D glasses on. | ||
| I'm not happy with these. | ||
|
unidentified
|
William Duvall has made a generally positive number five. | |
| Okay, let's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We get it. | ||
| We get it. | ||
| Sounds like a white guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds like Blaine Staley. | ||
| But yeah, we get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's your balls been, Ari? | |
| Everything downstairs? | ||
| Because we never talked to you about your balls and your butts and stuff like that. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| Thought I had herpes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| Really positive I had herpes. | ||
| I mean, really positive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what was the symptoms? | |
| Like, on a 1 to 10. You had 10? | ||
| I was a 9. I was like, fuck, well, I got herpes. | ||
| The symptoms were I saw a scab on my dick. | ||
| And I was like, well, that's... | ||
| And then I looked it up on Google, on images. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What else do you think it is? | |
| Herpes scars or whatever. | ||
| Herpes outbreaks. | ||
| And it didn't look like most of them. | ||
| It looked about like one out of like ten of them. | ||
| A real light case. | ||
| Never had them before, but I was like, look, I'm not the most careful guy in the world. | ||
| I mean condoms. | ||
| I mean no condoms. | ||
| So I was like, well, look, it's caught up to me. | ||
| I guess this is fucking, you know, get it now. | ||
| It's better than I got it when I was 25. I wish right now we could play Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you were in 10 different countries at least. | |
| I was in a bunch of countries and I was like, look, this could have happened at any point, but I narrowed it down to who I thought... | ||
| It probably was. | ||
| I called like three or four girls. | ||
| Four girls. | ||
| Hey, I think I have herpes. | ||
| You should go get tested and stop fucking. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| I'm like, I have a herpes outbreak. | ||
| There's no way there's anything else. | ||
| I have a herpes outbreak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because what else could it be? | |
| You just don't wake up and have a scab. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And so I scheduled the blood work. | ||
| Get everything taken care of. | ||
| And in the meantime, it's over Christmas weekend, so it's going to take longer. | ||
| And then while I was hanging out, I was hanging out at the stand, comedy club. | ||
| Maybe the best club in New York. | ||
| But I'm talking to the owner and Pete Lee, this comedian, and telling him my problem. | ||
| And Pete was like, you know, where is it? | ||
| Like right underneath the hood of your dick? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, right there. | ||
| He's like, I had something like this once. | ||
| It was like a penile tear. | ||
| Have you done anything like rough lately? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| Actually, I noticed it right after unlubricated anal sex. | ||
| That's when I first noticed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're lucky you're alive. | |
| But it just didn't go away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're lucky you're alive. | |
| I'm lucky I'm alive. | ||
| And then that's what it turned out to be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you have unlubricated anal sex? | |
| That's like... | ||
| Fucking hard, bro. | ||
| Hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, no spit? | |
| You didn't spit on the dude's ass first? | ||
| No, yeah, of course. | ||
| It was wet. | ||
| It was wet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Lame. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| That joke is played. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha. | |
| Yeah, you get it wet and then you fucking go for it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But yeah. | ||
| Do what you gotta do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So relieved. | |
| But you didn't have anything commercial lubricant. | ||
| So relieved. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm telling you, if you think your wife has been happy when you've called before, after fucking three days on the road of not being able to call, you've never heard you tell a girl, oh, I was wrong. | ||
| You don't have herpes. | ||
| They get elated. | ||
| Overcome with joy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, do you think maybe you should have just waited until the results came back? | |
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Well, I didn't want them to fuck somebody else in the meantime. | ||
| And then while I'm waiting aside, some other guy's life is ruined. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, I heard this is... | ||
| I may as well suck it up and take my lumps. | ||
| Also, on the other level, I figured I could tell them I'm 90% sure it was like a cop-out. | ||
| So I'm not like fully saying, look, I have it. | ||
| We fucked. | ||
| I thought that, from what I understood when I got tested, was that you can only test herpes while the outbreaks happen and they actually spoon a little out of the outbreak. | ||
| Like you can't really, it's really hard to test for herpes. | ||
| So a lot of times you can get tested during like not an outbreak and be like, oh yeah. | ||
| And you want to test positive for herpes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think that was an old test. | ||
| I think that was like 15 years ago test. | ||
| They need Olympic style herpes test. | ||
| For serious boy and girl sluts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I heard if you do pop it, you could actually taste it. | |
| Taste herpes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's like a sweetness. | |
| What? | ||
| How many different fucking pus wounds do you have to taste before herpes is like, I got it. | ||
| Yeah, you can't just taste it once. | ||
| That might just be that pus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Sauvignon Blanc, 94. This person's had it for a while and treated. | |
| It's a Burgundy from the South Valley. | ||
| Burgundy! | ||
| Burgundy's around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The smell, the culture. | |
| Swiffer around like a penis in your hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the legs on that herpes. | |
| How many herpes did you have to be able to taste to be able to taste herpes? | ||
| Well, you know, they figured out a way to train dogs to smell cancer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's pretty crazy. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You're telling me they can't put a dog at the fucking TSA counter? | ||
| Smell for bombs? | ||
| Yeah, but they also were going to smell for weed. | ||
| No, only training to smell for bombs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| What about the weed dog? | ||
| He needs a job. | ||
| Get him in fucking Miami Airport. | ||
| The weed dog, he fucks up. | ||
| He thinks it's a bomb, but it's really just weed. | ||
| The poor guy, we try to train him. | ||
| Listen, man, we don't want to send him to the pound, Ari. | ||
| Let's just take a few, you know, one or two weed arrests a month. | ||
| It's not going to hurt anybody. | ||
| We're going to get more revenue in the system. | ||
| We're going to have... | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's infringing on our rights just for your way to raise money. | |
| And you know what? | ||
| Sometimes out of that struggle comes a dialogue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| That's not a thing! | ||
| You're just robbing us and saying... | ||
| A few important people... | ||
| You're saying buzzwords, cops. | ||
| Don't stop! | ||
| Don't just rob our freedoms. | ||
| Say buzzwords. | ||
| No, don't just say the children. | ||
| They're gonna go to jail for a little while, 24 hours. | ||
| Maybe you'll snap them. | ||
| I'll tell you what, my friend's son, the kid was a ne'er-do-well. | ||
| He started going to jail, and he got out of jail, and he realized, I don't want to go to jail anymore. | ||
| No, that's not a reason to search every American. | ||
| He got back on the fucking right track. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm sorry, Cops and Jerry Everman. | ||
| You're not giving me good reasons. | ||
| I punched him in the stomach, and I brought him to the Lord. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you know that? | |
| Have you seen that video? | ||
| No. | ||
| You want to see something hilarious? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Pull that video. | ||
| You want to see something great? | ||
| Pull that video. | ||
| And then get ready, Bonnie, uh, wait, Princess Bunny. | ||
| Princess Bunny? | ||
| Do you remember Princess Bunny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| You're about to see something that's going to disturb you. | ||
| You're about to see, before that, you're about to see a guy punch a guy in the stomach. | ||
| I want to see that. | ||
| Yeah, um, he says, uh, pastor... | ||
| I was on my... | ||
| Yeah, pastor punches kid in the chest. | ||
| Look, as soon as he starts writing pastor, that's what shows up. | ||
| It's one of the first, uh, that's it right there. | ||
| This is so ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was a young man in Calvary. | |
| His name was Ben. | ||
| I mean, this is really ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was running a youth group. | |
| I was there for a few years. | ||
| He was just, he was a nice kid, but he was one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart aleck. | ||
| Was a bright kid, which didn't help things, right? | ||
| Made him more dangerous. | ||
| We were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons, and he was just, you know, kind of not taking the Lord serious. | ||
| And I walked over to him, and I went, bam! | ||
| I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled the kid. | ||
| Why'd you punch him in the chest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just crumpled him. | |
| And I said, I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God? | ||
| I led that man to the Lord right there. | ||
| There's times that that might be needed. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| What? | ||
| He didn't give a good example at all. | ||
| There's times that that might be needed. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| The guy was just being a smart aleck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He just punched a kid. | ||
| He was smart, but that's bad. | ||
| He was saying he was smart, and that was part of the problem. | ||
| Too much ammunition. | ||
| What a chump that guy is. | ||
| I love the word chump. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just a straight jerk. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Punched him as hard as he could in the chest. | ||
| You punched a little boy at youth camp? | ||
| And I said, Ben... | ||
| And crumpled him? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| When are you going to take the Lord serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's ridiculous. | |
| Why was he making jokes? | ||
| Ari, he wasn't taking the Lord seriously. | ||
| He's being smart, Alec. | ||
| I punched him. | ||
| That's a grown adult. | ||
| That's a grown man who's teaching people, who's leading people. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a microphone on. | ||
| Fucking Christianity should be illegal. | ||
| It all should be illegal. | ||
| Anybody telling you they know the answer should be arrested. | ||
| When you know they're not. | ||
| That's false advertising. | ||
| They should all be arrested, man. | ||
| You can't put on food, even this crooked FDA, you can't put on food tons of nutrients without any proof of nutrients. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| You can't just say, oh no, I know the answer. | ||
| It's like, could you show us that you do it all? | ||
| Are you just making it up and taking people's money? | ||
| Sir, would you like to show me your proof of this Adam and Eve concept you've been throwing in front of this congregation? | ||
| What do you have written down? | ||
| Do you have any studies? | ||
| Anything with some veracity? | ||
| Yeah, when you look about it, when you take a step back and look at any level of religion, you're like, oh, this might be garbage. | ||
| Or this is garbage. | ||
| This is garbage. | ||
| Yeah, this is garbage. | ||
| This is a bunch of people that were trying to figure out what the fuck the stars were. | ||
| Noah's Ark bit was great. | ||
| I have a joke about the Ten Commandments in my new special, Paid Regular. | ||
| Out this Friday night. | ||
| Set your DVRs. | ||
| It is funny. | ||
| You'll like it too. | ||
| DVRs coming from Central Midnight. | ||
| Ari Shaffir. | ||
| He's got a new special. | ||
| He's got a few songs in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it. | |
| And it's funny. | ||
| Ari Hasford. | ||
| And it's funny. | ||
| This Friday night. | ||
| Is it censored or uncensored? | ||
| Censored online. | ||
| I mean on TV. Uncensored online. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, if you have it on television, it comes on after midnight, they can do whatever they want. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They can have it. | ||
| Yeah, there's stuff I'm able to get where they were like, well, we don't know about that. | ||
| I was like, are you serious? | ||
| And they're like, oh, actually, it's after midnight. | ||
| We'll just fucking, it's fine. | ||
| After midnight is the right spot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Except you want more people to see it. | ||
| But more people can at Ari Shaffir. | ||
| My comedy special aired again last Friday night. | ||
| Did it really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| So you got a bunch of feedback? | ||
| I wish I had more of a heads up so I could have promoted it. | ||
| But yeah, the feedback has all been good, man. | ||
| The ratio to people that didn't like it versus liked it was way higher than my last one. | ||
| So that means I'm on the right track. | ||
| I think that right now, it's such an exciting time for stand-up, and I'm so excited about doing new shit. | ||
| I don't think in all the years I've been doing comedy, I've had more fun doing it. | ||
| Doing new stuff. | ||
| Fuck, I'm loving it. | ||
| But it's not like you're not trying to do well. | ||
| You're trying to kill it, but just with newer... | ||
| It's like taking a smaller bat and still trying to hit a home run. | ||
| Well, you gotta throw water on that, bitch. | ||
| You gotta keep using fertilizer. | ||
| Start a mulch pit, son. | ||
| Get your fucking compost game. | ||
| Get your compost game up, kid. | ||
| It's an amazing time, man. | ||
| I'm having so much fucking fun. | ||
| Especially that show in Vegas. | ||
| God damn, that was fun. | ||
| That was cool. | ||
| The Phoenix show was really cool. | ||
| That was fun, too. | ||
| Terry Fader Theater is really good for it. | ||
| and they got that fucking... | ||
| When I tell you the word I was looking for, when I tell you the word I was looking for, it's where it's clock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good one. | |
| The sword. | ||
| I couldn't find it. | ||
| My brain wouldn't have... | ||
| I gotta stop smoking weed and start reading. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| The combo. | ||
| One or the other. | ||
| I gotta do one or the other. | ||
| I can't let this keep going downhill like it is. | ||
| I can't remember my clock! | ||
| You gotta start working out, son. | ||
| This clock's all over! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, what you need? | |
| I gotta get you working out. | ||
| There's one right here. | ||
| I can't remember what the word is. | ||
| I gotta get you on it. | ||
| I need lumosity. | ||
| I need you to do some kettlebells. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When's the last time you took a break from smoking? | |
| What? | ||
| In London for fucking three days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| Three days in London. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| And then right back to it. | ||
| Did you not know anybody there or something? | ||
| I was working. | ||
| I had to do this thing where I was working so I was like quickly like doing... | ||
| I didn't have time to like go out and try to find weed. | ||
| And then I just didn't find it. | ||
| Too much danger in another land. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got scared. | ||
| I didn't take anything with me. | ||
| Good. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| Overseas, I'm always like, oh, how'd you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How'd you know? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Overseas is too much danger to take it with me. | ||
| But... | ||
| Yeah, I just didn't find that name. | ||
| It's like what you said, Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| It's the easiest fucking thing to come off. | ||
| If you don't have any, you're like, oh well. | ||
| I sure would want some, but I've been working, so I don't have time to do it. | ||
| Well, if you watch Celebrity Rehab, you see Eric Roberts on it. | ||
| That's it, Eric Roberts. | ||
| Eric Roberts. | ||
| You said everyone's having the shakes. | ||
| Everyone's coming off coke and meth. | ||
| Eric Roberts is drinking coffee reading the New York Times. | ||
| Coming down off weed. | ||
| He had his fucking feet in slippers. | ||
| He was in a reading robe. | ||
| Everybody else had fucking crusty mascara all over their face and tears and fucking sadness. | ||
| Band-Aids over their major arteries. | ||
| And Dr. fucking Drew still won't say it's different than those other things. | ||
| Come on, Drew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you do know people that can't stop. | |
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Yeah, but I know people who can't stop doing a lot of shit. | ||
| I know people who can't stop jerking off. | ||
| Yeah, I know people who can't stop gambling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, with the 3D glasses, the fire looks really kind of weird. | ||
| It looks magical. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder if, like, if we keep this arm this long, when we take him off, it's going to fuck our regular. | |
| It probably is already fucked. | ||
| When I go over the blue, it just goes off. | ||
| When I go over to my left side, the flame just goes off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gaze. | |
| Gaze into the burning magic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, do you want to see this pool table projection? | |
| No, I don't want to see that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's cool, man. | |
| That's cheating. | ||
| I've never seen Joe react so horribly to any piece of technology. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you can't add new layers to games. | |
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| A real pool table is played with fucking traditional lights and regular balls to keep everything clear. | ||
| This is Ames, mister. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No bar, no pinball machine, no bowling alley. | |
| You can see the bottom. | ||
| Still felt, but see-through felt. | ||
| Oh, no fucking way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And a fucking place in there the whole time. | |
| Yes! | ||
| Maybe you can play TV so you can watch the big game while you're lining up. | ||
| If you hate money, go ahead. | ||
| If you want to win, you can't play like that. | ||
| A pool table is supposed to be a green landscape of opportunity, of collisions, of maneuvering, of English and spin and reaction to chalk and balls colliding and slide and follow and draw. | ||
| That's what it's supposed to be. | ||
| Not pussy and glass. | ||
| Not supposed to be looking down at a fucking glass table. | ||
| That's horse shit. | ||
| No! | ||
| It's not what it's about. | ||
| Make your own new game. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| How about you just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| ...be on a table. | ||
| Do you guys remember Chess 2? | ||
| They had Chess 2. Instead of having straight up and down, they would have the go like this, like lines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So you couldn't really see where another opponent was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You couldn't really visualize it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like, you'd have the corner ones. | ||
| What'd you go diagonal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Battle chess? | |
| Oh, uh, rooks? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bishops. | |
| Bishops, yes. | ||
| And they'd be, like, almost right above you. | ||
| So, like, well, they can't get me. | ||
| But then you look at the way it's, like, curved. | ||
| And you're like, oh, it's right in a diagonal line. | ||
| The rook is the castle, right? | ||
| Rook is the horse, yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, the castle is the rook, you're right. | ||
| Yeah, the knight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| Knight is the horse. | ||
| Knight is the horse. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| For a game for intelligent people. | ||
| We couldn't even remember the pieces. | ||
| When was the last time you ever even tried to play a game of chess? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's been a while. | |
| I fucked around with it on my phone like maybe a decade ago. | ||
| That was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you guys like Chinese checkers? | |
| I was always a Chinese checkers guy. | ||
| Chinese checkers? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was always my favorite. | |
| You could play up to like, I think, five people or something. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| All sides. | ||
| Like a Jewish star. | ||
| In Washington Square Park. | ||
| You ever go there and watch those chess players? | ||
| Man, that's fun to watch. | ||
| The timing chess where they hit the clock and they slap the clock. | ||
| They only get so much time. | ||
| That's amazing stuff. | ||
| Because they're really thinking, like, about this grand plan on this board and where all these pieces have opportunities. | ||
| Yeah, they're sitting all at once. | ||
| And trying to be sneaky and creative and they're doing it on a clock. | ||
| God, I'm dumb. | ||
| I feel so stupid. | ||
| And they're like homeless people too that are playing there. | ||
| It's not like winners. | ||
| The thing about pool and the thing about chess and the thing about there's a lot of these games that are so engrossing. | ||
| You get so sucked into them that it takes over all your other ideas. | ||
| There's a lot of bachelors that just wind up being some bachelor in some shitty apartment and you just give up on having a girlfriend and you just gamble all the time. | ||
| And you get sucked into that lifestyle. | ||
| And you see that a lot of times with, like, pool. | ||
| With pool, you see that a lot. | ||
| So the pool hall groupie, like, describe her. | ||
| Would she get, like, passed around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a groupie in every, if you can think of anything. | |
| If you can think of, like, miniature golf, there's probably miniature golf. | ||
| Once Tommy DeLutz showed me who the bowling groupies was, right after I was saying the UFC groupies, that's when I realized everybody's got a groupie. | ||
| There are definitely pool hall groupies. | ||
| What's interesting, they will go for the best players. | ||
| They always want to date the best players. | ||
| It's not about looks or young. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| There's like dudes who aren't that good looking, but they're really good players and they'll get like pretty good looking pool groupies because the pool player girl like really wants to be associated with like a world class player. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Are they pool players too? | ||
| Sometimes, yeah, most of the time. | ||
| Most of the time, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Usually they smoke Marlboro. | |
| The ones who are, like, pool players as well, then they really appreciate how good a guy is. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, so there's like... | ||
| But I think that's the way with everything. | ||
| Cello players and fucking... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And male to female as well. | ||
| I think there's men that are just obsessed with the way a woman sings. | ||
| They become, you know... | ||
| Fan of that. | ||
| There's no getting around it, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're impressed by shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just stay in that world, and that's all I care about. | ||
| Of course that's who you want to fuck. | ||
| If a guy's a badass pool player, and that's all you care about is pool, that guy's doing magic up there. | ||
| Someone's talking about David Letterman. | ||
| It's like, well, the problem is he uses power to get laid. | ||
| You're like, oh, you mean you can't build up a bunch of power and then use it? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| It's half the reason to build power to become the president so girls would want to fuck you. | ||
| You're not like saying, I won't give you this promotion without you fucking. | ||
| It's just saying, they just come in wanting to fuck because I'm President Bill Clinton. | ||
| And I'm supposed to suddenly go, no, that's wrong for me to accept. | ||
| And you're also supposed to deny a Fucking million generations of conquerors in their whoremongering ways, and you've usurped them to become the fucking king of the world. | ||
| I mean, the president of the United States is the king of the world, right? | ||
| No, I'm too good. | ||
| I don't get laid because of the system of Catholicism that started in our country fucking 200 years ago. | ||
| He's a noble man. | ||
| Nobody's that noble. | ||
| Even the fucking good one on Game of Thrones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Well, the Game of Thrones is like really... | ||
| Even the good guy. | ||
| He fucking cheated on his wife. | ||
| That's why he has that bastard son that they sent to the fucking castle. | ||
| Because he cheated on his wife. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's the best man that's ever been in that fucking world. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| Let's not say anymore. | ||
| Cheating on the red. | ||
| Stop it right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know this is episode 600? | |
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| This is episode 600. I just did episode 200 this week on Skeptic Tank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my. | |
| My goodness, that's the same thing. | ||
| 800 episodes between us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a lot of fucking talking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shocking amount. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you done anything interesting on your podcast lately? | |
| My favorite one was the one where you had a talk with a hooker back in the day. | ||
| Yeah, I've had a few good ones like that. | ||
| I had this guy who helps work at the Insight at that Vancouver place with a safe shoot-up place. | ||
| Safe shoot-up place? | ||
| Yeah, you know, Hastings Street's all fucking zombies and fucking heroin addicts. | ||
| And so they offer this safe shoot-up place where you can tell them what you're going to shoot up on. | ||
| And if something goes wrong, they can tell the paramedics how to revive you. | ||
| So it's just not as dangerous. | ||
| The cops don't bug it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, so they told me all about that. | ||
| What it's like, if there's fucking going on. | ||
| Just regular questions. | ||
| Turns out there's no fucking going on. | ||
| Because when you want heroin, sex drive goes way down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then this week's about the open mic at the Comedy Store. | ||
| That was a really good one. | ||
| The open mic? | ||
| Yeah, about potluck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Did you talk about how it pretty much got it chopped in half and how it's not as... | ||
| No, this was about the heyday when it was the freak show. | ||
| When you hosted it. | ||
| When it was just a freak show. | ||
| I'm giving up on these glasses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm having a fucking aneurysm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait. | |
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do them backwards for... | |
| Oh, to see what the alters are. | ||
| Oh, things are a different color a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, wow. | ||
| Wow, it's so much better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it is better. | |
| Yeah, definitely don't wear this for an hour or more. | ||
| Just kind of look at the shirt in them. | ||
| We did, like, almost two hours with those stupid fucking things on. | ||
| Just kind of look at the shirt, say, wow, cool, and then take them off. | ||
| So when I hosted it, it was like... | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you hosted the employees and the showcases, but before that part is the potluck part, where it's the fucking 20 pure open micers, which could be guys like me when I started, or could be fucking guys like Boon Shakalaka. | ||
| When did I host it? | ||
| Just that one time. | ||
| I host regular open mic night. | ||
| I hosted people going on for the very first time ever. | ||
| Yeah, uh-huh. | ||
| That's what Bob Oshack did for years. | ||
| That's what I did for years. | ||
| Bob Oshack is a funny fucking dude. | ||
| I was always amazed that Bob Oshack didn't become like some sort of a... | ||
| He became one of the head writers at Ferguson. | ||
| But I would have thought that he would be like... | ||
| A host. | ||
| A letterman. | ||
| Like a famous guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like he's really funny and really nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think... | |
| Oh, super nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really good. | |
| Good human. | ||
| Only fucked his wife ever. | ||
| One of those guys. | ||
| Like, you know, polo shirt. | ||
| He's funny as shit too, man. | ||
| But I think he really loves being in a fucking writer's room and just churning out jokes. | ||
| I think he loves doing that. | ||
| Give me the topic. | ||
| I'll hit you with fucking eight hours worth right now. | ||
| I've always thought that guy was going to be some big household name. | ||
| I remember watching him. | ||
| I'm like, he's so composed. | ||
| He would have his bits. | ||
| He's like the opposite extreme of people who write on stage. | ||
| He was like 98% done with his bits when he brought them up for the first time. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was the open mic host. | ||
| He was the potluck host when I started. | ||
| So he was like the first professional comedian I saw over and over again. | ||
| Powerful Bob Oshack. | ||
| Powerful Bob Oshack. | ||
| He's out there, representing middle America. | ||
| Where's he from? | ||
| He's still in LA. Some weird cornfin. | ||
| Tennessee or Alabama. | ||
| One of those weird spots. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He wears it. | ||
| He wears it for sure. | ||
| He wears it like a shield, like one of those motorcycle jackets with pads all over the elbows. | ||
| It's one of his best jokes. | ||
| He's talking about, like, it's okay to look. | ||
| That's all right, but as long as you don't hop on her. | ||
| She's the last chopper out of Nam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha, ha, ha. | |
| He has such good, like, lines. | ||
| Ah, he's a good writer, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Funny dude. | ||
| And just a good dude. | ||
| He comes around once in a while. | ||
| He's cool. | ||
| Does he still do stand-up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| But Tommy kind of was like, mm, kind of pushed him to the side, so I think now he's back a little bit more. | ||
| That's really unfortunate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy should get spots. | ||
| But that's, uh, you know, when you're primarily focused on one club and you have a Bad relationship. | ||
| With that one club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was like that with Mitzi too. | ||
| Mitzi would give them like one spot a week. | ||
| It went out a month and it's like, why? | ||
| She just like didn't want any more. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it's the same thing though. | ||
| It's one club. | ||
| You're talking about one guy letting you say yes or no. | ||
| Isn't there something when you see certain guys where you go, okay, I think if you don't really pay attention to this guy, you might see it one way. | ||
| But if you follow him long enough, you realize there's like all these layers underneath there. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| That you weren't even seeing. | ||
| Yeah, like you're looking at him, you might judge him. | ||
| Oh, look at this guy. | ||
| He's wearing a tie. | ||
| He's on stage. | ||
| His glasses on. | ||
| He's trying to be cutesy. | ||
| He's trying to be proper. | ||
| But then, like, you watch him a few times. | ||
| You go, oh, this guy's, like, really funny. | ||
| Yeah, he's just making a presentation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| That's what Tom Papa is. | ||
| You're like, why are you wearing a suit, man? | ||
| And then you're like, oh, you're not a suit comic. | ||
| You're just wearing a suit. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like we're being prejudiced. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| We love it because he wants to look good. | ||
| We're like, fuck you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whereas, like, if you, like, went on TV on some television show, like, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, you had a hoodie on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, get the fuck out of here. | |
| They'd be like, who the fuck do you get to fucking wear something nice? | ||
| Yeah, you piece of shit. | ||
| You're not happy to be in front of us like it's your birthday? | ||
| There was some old jazz singer who got, like, one of those trombones, one of the greats, like, Dizzy Gillespie types, and he was like, the one thing I was told was, I know I was living out of my car, but they're like, find yourself a good suit. | ||
| When you're on stage, you gotta present. | ||
| You gotta present. | ||
| Well, most important, when you don't have money, that's why those nouveau riche nirvana type motherfuckers had millions of dollars and they're wearing tattered up Converse All-Stars. | ||
| Cardigans with one button missing. | ||
| Yeah, that was almost like a badge of courage that they kept their wardrobe as real as possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Again, if you could do that at the MTV Video Music Awards or... | ||
| You can do whatever the fuck you want when you're in nirvana. | ||
| You don't have to wear suits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody ever expected Kurt Cobain to wear a suit. | |
| If Kurt Cobain went on stage with a suit on, that would be him fucking with you. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| What are you trying to say here? | ||
| Yeah, but if you saw him the first time that night, you'd be like, I don't get it. | ||
| Why is he wearing a suit? | ||
| Because that's Kurt Cobain wearing the suit. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Sometimes people just don't see it right away. | ||
| Or comics sometimes choke under showcase situations. | ||
| That's definitely true. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I've done it on auditions. | ||
| I've done it on important sets. | ||
| Even your average is better than that. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Damn, I did like 20th percentile instead of... | ||
| Yeah, you could, I mean, up till, you know, the time you record a special, like when you're trying to develop new material, there's always the possibility that it could go wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's always that possibility. | ||
| I saw Dave Smith, this comic in New York. | ||
| He's actually a really good political comic, but he's new, and he went up to the cellar, and he just fucking choked. | ||
| And then he had to wait around for her to come tell him no. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| You're like, but maybe, because you always hold off in the back of your head, but maybe, maybe she'll be like, well, that was good. | ||
| You didn't have a good set, but I like it. | ||
| Nobody just goes, yeah, obviously, I didn't do it right. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I was there so many times. | ||
| I felt so bad for her. | ||
| I was like, I've been there. | ||
| Waiting. | ||
| Maybe she'll just... | ||
| No! | ||
| They won't. | ||
| There's nothing crazier than watching someone perform in front of Mitzi and hear a girl, He's terrible! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get him off the stage! | |
| Gosh! | ||
| Brutal! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Pass. | ||
| It's my dream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pass. | |
| Give the backhand wave away. | ||
| Do you have dealings with her at all? | ||
| Yeah, a lot. | ||
| Yeah, in the 90s, she was lucid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I first met her, I had many conversations with her about comedy and what I was doing wrong. | ||
| She was going to point that out. | ||
| She goes, you don't do new stuff in the beginning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bury it in the meadow. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| No, she was right about that. | ||
| She was always really smart about challenging you. | ||
| She would give you these sets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where you would go on after whoever she thought was going to do the best. | ||
| She would shove you right afterwards to teach you. | ||
| This is what it feels like to be nobody. | ||
| Oh, you think you're good? | ||
| Then go after this guy. | ||
| You should be able to. | ||
| Go on after Martin Lawrence in 1995. In his prime. | ||
| Good fucking luck, soldier. | ||
| God, that would have been such a hard spot. | ||
| I took those spots. | ||
| God, after Martin Lawrence. | ||
| I had many of those spots in the main room bombing. | ||
| He was a killer, too. | ||
| He wasn't just famous. | ||
| He was a killer. | ||
| Plates of dry bum shit. | ||
| Waiting for the light to come on. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Dude, I bombed going on after that guy. | ||
| Here's when you know you're bombing in that room because it's so quiet. | ||
| When the neon light goes on, you hear... | ||
| And you're like, I don't even have to look over. | ||
| I know I'm done. | ||
| You feel like you can. | ||
| It warmed your skin. | ||
| You feel the temperature change in your forehead. | ||
| God. | ||
| That's what Sanchez said, because she made him follow dice every night. | ||
| He said he tried to be extra dirty, and that didn't work, and then he tried to be extra clean, that didn't work, and then he was like, well, let me just do what I do, I guess. | ||
| And that was what worked. | ||
| Just trying to be funny. | ||
| You just have to accept your fate. | ||
| Yeah, some of that too. | ||
| At the very least, you've got to prepare to dig your way out of the ditch that's in front of you. | ||
| Just keep hammering away at it. | ||
| Don't lose your composure. | ||
| And don't try to... | ||
| You've just got to submit to the fact that you'll never be better than Martin Lawrence in 1999. Right. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| We're there. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| So now can we do okay? | ||
| Relax. | ||
| You're not going to kill. | ||
| Big Jay sees those as good opportunities because the crowd's in an awesome mood. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And then some of it's being a comic and having to be like, it's not just my material. | ||
| I got to fucking move and shift with the fucking new room. | ||
| Well, it's also Big J in 2015 is way better than I was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| In 1995. I saw Simone go up to Louis. | ||
| And he did this whole thing where he's like, you got, because it was just like, you know, those are big moments for a comedy crowd. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he's like, you guys just got Louis C.K. You did it. | ||
| That wasn't that fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You couldn't even come in here thinking you were going to see him fucking 11.45 a night. | |
| You saw that. | ||
| Everyone's like, yeah. | ||
| Now he's pulled him into his own wavelength. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| With like 40 seconds of that. | ||
| And then he mouthfucks them all. | ||
| And then he mouthfucks all of them. | ||
| He grabs them by the ears and just roars. | ||
| Now you're going to listen to my stories of childhood! | ||
| And you're going to like me! | ||
| And he fucking killed. | ||
| But it's that technique of being able to like, let me pull them in here. | ||
| Like, being a legit comic. | ||
| Steve Simone is easily in the top 100 nicest people ever to enter show business. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| Of every people that have ever lived, he's easily in the top 100 nicest. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That guy's so nice. | ||
| So nice. | ||
| He's such a friendly guy. | ||
| Like, who the fuck doesn't like Steve Simone? | ||
| You're like, if you tell me you don't, I've never really experienced it. | ||
| I've never experienced it either. | ||
| If you tell me you don't, though, then it's like, something's wrong with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Carmichael. | |
| Carmichael. | ||
| Gerard Carmichael said that about Steve Simone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| No, Gerard's the second nicest guy. | ||
| He's pretty goddamn nice. | ||
| He's gonna start a war between those two really nice guys. | ||
| Hey, Simone, I heard Gerard's talking shit about you. | ||
| Let's bring in the Pope. | ||
| This new Pope, yeah, you might think he's pretty cool, but here's what he said about Gerard Carmichael. | ||
| His hugs are fake. | ||
| That motherfucker, he's got... | ||
| He doesn't have strength behind them. | ||
| Sits in that regular chair, and as soon as the cameras goes off, bring me my throne! | ||
| He's my example, Simone, of a nice way to be. | ||
| He'll go out of your way to lock your door when he gets out of your car. | ||
| Well, he's one of those guys, you see him, you always want to hug him. | ||
| He's just a genuine sweetheart. | ||
| He has a podcast called Good Times with Steve Simone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And a special CD just came out. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Remember this. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the guy, also homegrown. | ||
| Homegrown, comedy store veteran. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's, yeah. | ||
| Steve Simone started there. | ||
| Started there. | ||
| He might have done a few sets outside of that before. | ||
| I think he did a few in Philly and then came, but like only a few. | ||
| Yeah, not much. | ||
| He grew up in front of us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was the manager. | ||
| He worked there a bunch, too. | ||
| Worked there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Bump it up, vomit. | ||
| Always a good dude. | ||
| Always a good dude, no matter what was going on. | ||
| He was suicidally depressed. | ||
| He was just nice to everyone. | ||
| Well, you know, when things weren't going as well as they are right now, now he's doing great. | ||
| Steve Simone is starting to build momentum. | ||
| I hear a lot of people talk about him. | ||
| I hear tweets, like when he was releasing his album, we all retweeted his album, and all these people were talking about how funny he is. | ||
| He's a very loved guy now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's hard to, like, get that connection. | ||
| And he's like, the stories he tells on stage are so good. | ||
| Like, he's like one of those guys, those storyteller guys that are, like, the best around at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, fuck. | ||
| Well, he's just a lovable dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Charismatic, lovable dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he grew that style out of that battlefield of the comedy store. | ||
| Where he's like, I'm gonna be my thing. | ||
| I'm gonna tell stories of childhood and fun times and beautiful things. | ||
| And I'm gonna go after some guy who's talking about going down on a girl during her period, like Tripoli, and just fucking, you know, battling against some heckler. | ||
| And then he's going to be like, well, now we're going to reset and have a great time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so funny. | |
| Yeah, but that's, like, also Sebastian. | ||
| Sebastian's another one. | ||
| He's clean dice. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, Sebastian's like, but he's hilarious. | ||
| Straight killer in his own super clean way. | ||
| Yep, and just, like, tearing apart, like, you know, messy people. | ||
| We were just talking about that he was shitting on, that he was like, he's against that, too? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| What was the topic? | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| Oh, Uber. | ||
| He's against Uber. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's hitchhiking with Yelp. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| Or it's hitchhiking with your phone. | ||
| He shits on everything. | ||
| It's your best. | ||
| God, he's good. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's what he said. | ||
| It's hitchhiking with your phone. | ||
| Yeah, he's funny, dude. | ||
| I was alone in a hotel room. | ||
| You saw the Sebastian special? | ||
| I saw his special on Showtime. | ||
| I think I was in Texas. | ||
| I think I was doing stand-up in Texas and just flipped on Showtime and I watched the whole thing and I was laughing. | ||
| I really, really enjoyed it. | ||
| Like, it was really fun. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| He's one of the best in the business. | ||
| Yeah, it was cool to see, though. | ||
| You know, like, because again, like you... | ||
| You saw a guy get passed. | ||
| Like Simone, yeah. | ||
| You guys saw a guy get that, gonna become a paid record, like a hole in the shell, then get better, then be like, okay, he can stand his own, then start getting better, and totally one of the best comics in the country. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who drew that, Ari? | |
| That's just amazing. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who drew that? | ||
| I got my wispy hair, too. | ||
| When it's long, that's how it gets. | ||
| All wispy like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Such a good photo. | |
| With balls? | ||
| You don't know who drew it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Who drew that? | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Somebody just posted it on the message board. | ||
| I got my long hair. | ||
| Well, why don't you ask whoever posted it where they got it. | ||
| Let's see if we can give that person credit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The whole thing. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| This looks like you fucked Daniele Bolelli. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You guys fucked each other. | ||
| Was my balls? | ||
| Was my balls like ha-ha? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, balls right there, the ha-ha balls. | |
| Half Jew, half Guinea kid. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm tired from doing morning radio. | |
| That's how my hair looks like that. | ||
| Then just take a shower, let it air dry. | ||
| The morning radio thing when you're on the road, that shit does get tiresome, doesn't it? | ||
| It's just because you don't have a chance to sleep at full 4. Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like, all right, you go to sleep. | ||
| It's like, go to sleep. | ||
| I'm not tired at 10. I was going to sleep at 3.30 in the morning the last three straight weeks. | ||
| Was I going to sleep at 10 p.m.? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy from the message board actually drew it. | |
| Who? | ||
| His name is Tom Silverby. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Silverby? | ||
| Thomas? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thomas Overby, probably. | |
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Tomas! | ||
| Tomas! | ||
| Tomas Overby? | ||
| Wow, that's his own art? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| He drew that while we're on the podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said that. | |
| He started at the beginning of this podcast and he finished that right then? | ||
| He's probably been drawing you since he was a child. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tomas! | |
| He's been seeing visions of me. | ||
| A dedicated wall that's covered in yellow spackling. | ||
| The dried cum of his ejaculate. | ||
| The first Joe Rogan he saw, he was like, huh? | ||
| All over your drawing face. | ||
| He says, I drew this last year from Ari's seven minute shit sketch after failing horribly at a Joey drawing. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Yeah, it comes from a 30-frame comic called Ari Shafir's Shit Anal Lube. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Where he, you shit yourself and he fucks you. | ||
| It's a longer piece. | ||
| It tells a lot about the world we live in. | ||
| It changes its meaning along the way, many times. | ||
| You gotta stay along for the ride to get the full heart. | ||
| To get the full heart. | ||
| Are you really analubing me up? | ||
| Really just bathing me in it? | ||
| The care he takes in that really shows how a mother and child can really love each other. | ||
| There must be a guy out there somewhere. | ||
| You were talking about how you tore your penis because of a lack of lubrication. | ||
| That's not a regular thing I've done, by the way. | ||
| Okay, it just happened. | ||
| It's no big deal, I understand. | ||
| I'm not judging you at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But, with, like, someone with diarrhea, that'd probably be way more lubrication than normal. | ||
| Way more lubrication. | ||
| Plus, the whole area would be super relaxed, all blown out. | ||
| I mean, it's just... | ||
| You just empty out... | ||
| From the diarrhea. | ||
| Empty out a fucking big gulp of... | ||
| Splattery diarrhea. | ||
| Had that little butthole. | ||
| The unprocessed seeds that go on the sides. | ||
| The ends of hot dogs. | ||
| Twisty ends. | ||
| I ate three times in Chinatown in San Francisco and I was shitting out full noodles. | ||
| Legit full noodles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your body's like, nope, it's not food. | |
| Leaves, leaves I get, and peppers, but full noodles. | ||
| They were like the flakes of my finger. | ||
| Long ones. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Your body's like, uh, I'm not buying it, man. | ||
| I'm not fucking buying it. | ||
| You call this food, we do not call this food. | ||
| Where do they get it? | ||
| Like, look, I am running this through all my fucking natural computers, and it's coming up negative. | ||
| Did you, is this gutter oil? | ||
| Gutter oil. | ||
| Do they have that in Chinatown? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Has it made its way? | ||
| Dude, I want to hear you hear the sound of it plopping again. | ||
| I don't want to hear it, man. | ||
| The plopping sound is what almost got you to bar. | ||
| I blame Jamie. | ||
| It's the second biggest fuck-up. | ||
| We're not continuing to play that plopping sound. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a dark, dark world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's happening right now. | ||
| Somewhere in the world, someone's digging into a sewer and pulling out a big shovel full of shit. | ||
| It's cheaper than buying it at the store. | ||
| Just doing this is cheaper than buying it at the store. | ||
| So we'd save money by doing this. | ||
| And look at the house that I bought. | ||
| If it wasn't for gutter oil, I couldn't have bought a house. | ||
| Yeah, that lady built an empire on gutter oil. | ||
| Yeah, gutter oil empire. | ||
| This lady's like digging deep into that well. | ||
| She owns a house in the People's Republic of China. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Somewhere. | ||
| Who knows what the fuck she actually said. | ||
| We're just reading what somebody translated. | ||
| Oh, that's a great point. | ||
| She didn't talk any English at all. | ||
| Yeah, translations are terrible. | ||
| Oh, maybe they didn't say any of that. | ||
| She might have said I was about to lose my house and my children would have died and everyone would have starved to death and I had to take shit oil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| People are eating it, though. | ||
| People are eating. | ||
| Not just people, like a lot of people, man. | ||
| Regular people. | ||
| I eat street food. | ||
| I didn't eat street noodles, though. | ||
| But I eat street food. | ||
| But isn't it oil that they cook in? | ||
| Couldn't it be anything? | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, probably. | |
| How many times do you eat street food? | ||
| The meat was great. | ||
| You just pointed a thing, it would cost one yen, which is about 16 cents, and it was three or four pieces of a meat. | ||
| And I don't know how to pronounce any meat or how to say any of them, so I'm like, I guess that's this. | ||
| One of those, please. | ||
| Two of these. | ||
| And if you ate it and you didn't like it, you just threw the thing out, because it was 15, 16 cents. | ||
| And you eat the next one, and you're like, this one tastes good. | ||
| What do you think it was? | ||
| Lamb, chicken, dog, tail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Probably dog, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dog is more of a Korean thing, they said. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| They said you could find it in China, but it's not really around much. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I maybe not want dog even more than I might have wanted it before, just for the experience. | ||
| Is, you know how venison, they gotta clean... | ||
| Well, you probably know this. | ||
| They gotta kill it clean because it dumps the adrenaline. | ||
| And it kind of ruins the meat. | ||
| It doesn't really. | ||
| Ever heard that? | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of... | ||
| You ever heard that as a theory? | ||
| Yeah, I've heard it as a theory, but I don't think it's correct. | ||
| With dog meat, it's the opposite. | ||
| They want the adrenaline. | ||
| So they beat on it for about two hours. | ||
| And smash the cage and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and then kill it. | ||
| For tastier meat. | ||
| I'm like, well, I'm out then. | ||
| Then I'm out. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| I'm only gonna eat people meat. | ||
| I'm skipping over dog. | ||
| There's no fucking way. | ||
| Can I only eat racists? | ||
| Yeah, this is purebid racist. | ||
| This guy lied. | ||
| He said he was racist, but some of these people were not. | ||
| I want a homophobe T-bone. | ||
| Really revenge-worthy cut. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What dog would you eat if you had to choose one? | |
| I'd go Retriever. | ||
| Golden Retriever. | ||
| No, they're too sweet. | ||
| They're fluffy. | ||
| No, those fucking slobber dogs. | ||
| Get them out of the way. | ||
| I was at another restaurant, a fancy restaurant, and someone brought in a fucking emotional support dog. | ||
| A big fucking Labrador Retriever sat down next to them. | ||
| At a table while they're eating. | ||
| And everybody's like, you gotta be kidding me. | ||
| No, it's a clean dog. | ||
| In Europe, everybody brings in some sort of restaurants. | ||
| Oh, we're not in Europe. | ||
| No, we're not. | ||
| We're in motherfucking America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America. | |
| How dare you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Tell them, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where are we from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're from America. | |
| Where are we from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
America. | |
| You ass of America. | ||
| America. | ||
| We don't bring our dogs. | ||
| Sit down next to our brunch. | ||
| Yeah, they probably wasted that meat in fucking that oil. | ||
| Shit oil? | ||
| You're still on that, huh? | ||
| Dude, I want to tell you something worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| How's that possible? | ||
| I was on Big Jay's podcast, Legion of Skanks. | ||
| It's a morning zoo type thing. | ||
| They have fun. | ||
| Anyway, they've been opening up fan mail because they're getting started as a podcast. | ||
| They're super excited about the fan mail. | ||
| They open it up on the air and they read it. | ||
| And they got sent stuff. | ||
| One of the things they got sent was cookies. | ||
| Sugar cookies. | ||
| We had all gotten high and I was like, fuck yeah, give me that sugar cookie. | ||
| And then Jay was like, oh, maybe you shouldn't eat... | ||
| I mean, that was just from a fan. | ||
| I wouldn't necessarily eat. | ||
| I'm like, what's it gonna be? | ||
| Fucking weed cookie? | ||
| All the better. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| And he's like, no, Ari, we do, like, long segments about, like... | ||
| We've done long segments about, like, coming on food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God, dude. | |
| Like, we had, like, a whole fight about it a few weeks ago. | ||
| Like, how you can come on food and... | ||
| And then, like, make people eat it. | ||
| And then as a podcast, we're like, oh, yeah, definitely. | ||
| Yeah, I for sure ate somebody's cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Just a cum cookie. | ||
| That's not nice. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| I was getting more nauseous as it went, but I was like, yeah, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On the other podcast you do, you have like contests. | |
| Punch drunk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| The bag of bets? | ||
| Now, recently Josh Martin lost and you guys all had to come on a towel and he had to wash his face with this towel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's cool. | |
| Same guy? | ||
| You half monkey astronaut, half Joe Rogan behind the stars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same guy. | |
| The same guy, yeah. | ||
| Tomas, overbay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Overbay. | ||
| Dude, he's an amazing artist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's amazing. | |
| Yeah, the bag of bets was if Sam Shipley came in the last two, it was a fantasy league. | ||
| And not only did he not come in the final two, he won the fantasy league. | ||
| So the loser has to take... | ||
| We all have to jizz onto a rag, and then they have to use that rag as their morning... | ||
| They have to reapply some moisture to reactivate the jizz. | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Sir Josh Martin had to do this. | |
| And wipe their face with it. | ||
| So, were you allowed to wipe it off after you wipe your face with it? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But you gotta wipe it off. | ||
| So you gotta do a little bit of wiping, and then you can wipe it off afterwards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How many days? | ||
| What do you mean, how many days? | ||
| How many days do you have to do this for? | ||
| Just once. | ||
| Just have to do it once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But reapply the water. | ||
| It's as if, you know, at the airport, on the plane's like... | ||
| Fresh towel? | ||
| You're like, oh, I'd love that. | ||
| I'd love that. | ||
| And then really get it in there. | ||
| Yeah, it's cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three people's cum. | |
| Three people's cum. | ||
| Bukkake on the rag. | ||
| It's bag of bets. | ||
| I'm more sad that three people can cum on a rag that easy. | ||
| It's that easy? | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| We're going to separate it. | ||
| We're not going to stand around it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The third guy has an issue. | |
| The third guy to come has a real issue. | ||
| The fact that he can still shoot a load on the dying loads of his two friends. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Who are you and what's getting you off? | ||
| How much is he knuckling his asshole? | ||
| Thumb deep in his ass. | ||
| I'm going to get there, vigorously moving it, just shaking it as fast as I can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Has Josh already done this? | |
| No, we're doing the awards ceremony at the Comedy Store patio. | ||
| He's got to do it there in front of everybody. | ||
| Oh, Friday? | ||
| We have all these bag of bets. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Do they watch porn while they jerked off onto this thing, or do they just jerk off from memory? | ||
| We just jerk off. | ||
| Whatever we want to do. | ||
| It's up to us. | ||
| Here's the rag now. | ||
| You go. | ||
| We had this bet where me and Tebow bet on a round of golf. | ||
| He was positive he could beat me. | ||
| and we put in there, loser has to watch every episode of Whitney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In a row. | |
| Write a book report about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In a row. | |
| Yeah, I have to do it as sitting. | ||
| Write a book report about it. | ||
| You have one day off in between seasons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tebow had to do it, right? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, Whitney Cummings has this... | ||
| I don't want to tell you what the bit is about. | ||
| I don't want to give up any of it, but it is a murderous bit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She's got this bit that I've watched grow over the last three or four weeks. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| It's murderous, dude. | ||
| She's been doing a lot of stand-up. | ||
| It's really interesting to see someone just really, like, catch momentum. | ||
| Really just, like, you see a bit. | ||
| If she keeps working, there's no reason why she can't become a really, really, like, great comic. | ||
| Yeah, no doubt. | ||
| I mean, you get the opportunity. | ||
| All these people that get the opportunity, like, will get you up, they usually just stop doing comedy. | ||
| Yeah, no, she does a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's always on stage at the store. | ||
| I've followed her at the store like three or four times in a row. | ||
| I see her at the improv all the time. | ||
| That chick puts in work. | ||
| I respect the shit out of her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She is always doing stand-up. | ||
| And she's always, like, tweaking stuff and adding to stuff and changing stuff. | ||
| She takes chances. | ||
| She writes a lot. | ||
| She moves forward. | ||
| It's the Whitney model I tell everybody about. | ||
| Move forward. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Do something. | ||
| Well, this podcast made it. | ||
| Just do it anyway. | ||
| Then it won't go anywhere. | ||
| Just do it. | ||
| What have you lost? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| The time you're doing nothing. | ||
| Move forward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Write a bit. | ||
| Make the short sketch. | ||
| Do something. | ||
| Just go. | ||
| She's a super likable person, too. | ||
| Like, in real life, when you talk to her, she's really friendly. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So it's like you want her to be really good, you know? | ||
| And now she's like... | ||
| I'll tell you off the air what this bit is, because I don't want to give up what the topic of the bit is. | ||
| God damn, it's hilarious. | ||
| She's funny, man. | ||
| This is a good time, dude. | ||
| I've been seeing so many funny guys that I didn't even know were around at the store recently. | ||
| I gotta start remembering people's names. | ||
| Santino, Theo Vaughn is really funny. | ||
| Michael Costa. | ||
| This is the hidden gem. | ||
| This is the hidden gem of the Comedy Store. | ||
| This is the hidden gem of the Comedy Store. | ||
| It's the late night sets with either Brian Holtzman or Brody Stevens. | ||
| I have seen them for the past couple weeks. | ||
| I've stuck around and the last guy on stage in the main room does as long as they want. | ||
| And a lot of times they go on stage somewhere before 1am and they have an hour if they want to. | ||
| They can go all the way to 2am. | ||
| There's anywhere between 60 and four people in the room. | ||
| So the show starts out, there's 300 plus people, the place is mobbed, everybody goes up, Chris D'Elia kills, ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, and then it gets to the end, and then Brody Stevens goes up. | ||
| And Brody Stevens made... | ||
| I was fucking... | ||
| I was hyperventilating, crying, laughing, and slapping the table. | ||
| That angry has... | ||
| You don't... | ||
| I'm watching you not laugh! | ||
| I push. | ||
| I push. | ||
| You know who I am? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I push. | ||
| Dude, those late... | ||
| Yeah, he's like, where'd you go to school? | ||
| He'll tell you where he went to school. | ||
| If it's anywhere in Southern California, anywhere, he will tell you a Major League Baseball player who went there, and then he goes, I know him! | ||
| You're gonna treat me like that? | ||
| I'm friends with your highest honored person. | ||
| Arizona State. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Alumni. | ||
| Two and one. | ||
| He'll always, like, shit on himself a little bit at the end. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Choked under pressure. | ||
| Choked during the big game. | ||
| I'm on Lamictal. | ||
| It fucks with my body temperature. | ||
| Soloft didn't work for me. | ||
| I gotta move on. | ||
| I'd like to get off the meds. | ||
| He's fucking awesome. | ||
| His late night show the other night, it was not this past Friday night, but the one before. | ||
| Late night set? | ||
| My God, man. | ||
| I was in awe. | ||
| What'd he do? | ||
| Well, he's been doing so many warm-ups. | ||
| You know, he does warm-ups so much. | ||
| He's constantly used to just completely ad-libbing in front of, like, this group of people that's waiting for a television show to be filmed. | ||
| So there's, like, they'll film a segment. | ||
| They'll, all right, audience has to clap now. | ||
| And in between that, when they're setting things up. | ||
| Yeah, he does it for a lot of shows. | ||
| I go out there early and watch him. | ||
| I was like, I just want to see you, Bernie. | ||
| He's fantastic at it. | ||
| But when he's so fantastic at it, one of the things he does is he has this incredible ability to make comedy out of nothing. | ||
| Anything that's going on. | ||
| Like, he's completely free. | ||
| Like, his ability to ad-lib is like no one's. | ||
| Like, his ability to, like, move into the crowd and just start bringing everybody together and pulling, like, little things that he said to this person, to that person. | ||
| Like, he's so used to being free when he's doing those warm-up things. | ||
| Like, constantly on, just free-flowing back and forth. | ||
| Stay together, people. | ||
| We're working here. | ||
| We're pushing. | ||
| I push. | ||
| I'm from the valley. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| 818 till I die. | ||
| You know, but he can do that in that rhythm with that sort of... | ||
| He's so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His intensity... | |
| Usually two warm guys are either rah-rah-rah or they just can't do the warm-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, he's a monster. | ||
| He was murdering the other night. | ||
| I mean, fucking murdering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is something Eddie found the other day, Eddie Ift. | |
| This is what Brody used to send out to managers and comedy clubs and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's a VHS tape. | |
| Personality, human, 27 years of experience. | ||
| Trust me, I understand comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Man, you're a friend. | ||
| He's so awesome. | ||
| I'm such a huge Brody fan. | ||
| Yeah, he makes late nights fun, especially when you're stoned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you just like go in there and just laugh. | ||
| And the crowd's like half full, so it's like, oh, this is great. | ||
| Holtzman almost had me barf once. | ||
| I was laughing so hard. | ||
| I was almost like, it was like only that and Jackats 2, where I was like, I just couldn't barely hold it. | ||
| Those two guys, if you ever see them on the lineup at the Comedy Store, please go for the late night aspect of them. | ||
| I mean, go for the whole show, but stick around to the end. | ||
| Here's when the story gets cool. | ||
| It's actually when you're out, you're done out, you're finished, you're drunk. | ||
| It's midnight. | ||
| Should we go home? | ||
| It's like, no, midnight's at 2. It's this kind of raw, jazzy environment at the store. | ||
| So just head into the store and sober up there. | ||
| They'll probably let you in for free. | ||
| Almost always. | ||
| Unless it's still packed on a weekend or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Last night there was a million dollar car there, right? | |
| Yeah, parked up front. | ||
| Porsche fucking testers. | ||
| Yeah, Porsche 918. They were testing it? | ||
| It was all these Porsche guys with Porsche jackets. | ||
| And there was a car ahead of them too with a Porsche, a nice Porsche. | ||
| Oh, I wonder if they like... | ||
| I think it was a prototype. | ||
| Well, no, it's a car that's available. | ||
| It's called a 918. It's this incredible car. | ||
| $875,000 sticker value. | ||
| Yeah, and that's if you can get one. | ||
| They're all spoken for. | ||
| So you'd have to pay some sort of premium. | ||
| Yeah, you'd probably have to pay over a million dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it'd be worth it too. | ||
| Parked at a meter on Sunset. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| That's a million dollars. | ||
| I touched it. | ||
| While people were texting. | ||
| With my dick. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| People are texting and barely paying attention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You know? | ||
| And this car's parked on the side of the road. | ||
| Parked right there. | ||
| It's a million dollars. | ||
| Yeah, we were like then, and Simone's like, hey, look at that car. | ||
| We're like, what? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, I saw a Veyron once in Hollywood, which is even more expensive. | ||
| A Bugatti. | ||
| Bugatti Veyron. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Which is one of the fastest cars in the world. | ||
| This big, giant spaceship-looking thing. | ||
| And that's more than a million. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That's like a million and a half or something. | ||
| Yeah, there it is. | ||
| The only thing is, like, when they open the doors, I was really expecting, like, this really cool door thing that would, like, go back and then up or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it was just, like, this little door. | |
| Regular door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, Porsche is, like, the best. | ||
| They're the best designers in terms of, like, the right compromise between, like, ridiculous speed and power and handling and also, like, efficiency. | ||
| It's a hybrid car. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's also like just the way they don't make things that are too extravagant. | ||
| They don't make like Lamborghini Countaches, you know, they're like this big ridiculous fire-breathing cars. | ||
| Like if they make a car, like the width, it's all about the engineering of the car. | ||
| It's like how fast can we get this car? | ||
| Like what is the best way to stick to the road? | ||
| Yeah, if they're making something like this. | ||
| But it's interesting because they're stuck with this 911, and that's the car that has the engine in the back. | ||
| It's really not the best way to do it. | ||
| You're not really supposed to have an engine in the back. | ||
| It becomes unbalanced. | ||
| It swings back and forth. | ||
| So why do they just put it in the front? | ||
| Because they started out doing it that way back when they didn't know any better. | ||
| Only for the 911? | ||
| Yeah, and then they've sort of stuck with it because it's become a characteristic of the 911. Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this the kind of car that Paul Walker died in? | |
| Like, this kind of, like, horsepower? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, more horsepower. | ||
| But his was a Carrera GT. And the issue with Paul Walker's car, everybody's like, well, the car was, like, really dangerous. | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| It was not that dangerous. | ||
| According to everybody that I've talked to that's a car expert and it's not coming from me. | ||
| Chris Harris told me. | ||
| Matt Farah told me. | ||
| The real issue was that the car itself had been on the same tires for a long time. | ||
| Like seven, eight years. | ||
| They get hard and they have no grip. | ||
| And you have amazing horsepower and you're treating the car as if it's like a car with current tires on it. | ||
| Car tires actually harden and dry up. | ||
| You sound like the guys, when you're saying that though, you sound like the guys who were defending pit bulls in like the 80s. | ||
| It's not, but it's not, I know like high horsepower cars, like it's a really high horsepower car, but it's not so high horsepower that it would be dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, like, I drove a car... | ||
| I never heard it was dangerous. | ||
| I just heard it was going way too fast and crash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard it's hard to drive. | |
| People have crashed... | ||
| Well, it's a mid-engine car. | ||
| It's got a really good balance, but it's really powerful. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a race car driver. | ||
| You can't go so fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And it doesn't have the same sort of, like, traction-based technology that they have in 2015. We have these weird, like, traction control, like, computers built in. | ||
| They know when one tire is, like, losing traction. | ||
| They compensate with the other side. | ||
| They brake on one side to keep things moving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at his old phone. | |
| I know. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You don't even have Bluetooth in your car. | ||
| You son of a... | ||
| This has Bluetooth? | ||
| I don't have a car. | ||
| Ari Shafir, for folks who don't know what we're talking about, has gone completely back to the flip phone. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Pros and cons. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Pros. | ||
| Pros? | ||
| They're few and far between. | ||
| One pro is I have to charge it every three and a half days. | ||
| Obviously the reason why is because you can't do anything worth draining it for. | ||
| That's undeniable, Pro. | ||
| You don't have to charge it. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Two, you can do ignore without saying no on somebody. | ||
| Remember that on the old phones? | ||
| We could just stop the ringer without saying off. | ||
| The iPhone never did. | ||
| Yeah, you can do that. | ||
| They finally got that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, they've had it for a while. | |
| You just hit the volume button down or up. | ||
| And then I'll just silence it and let it keep ringing. | ||
| But you can't stop ringing, but not... | ||
| You can't go back to what you're doing. | ||
| You have to wait for it to finish ringing, right? | ||
| Before you can go back to your text and shit? | ||
| Uh, yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, as far as declining it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you want to pretend that you're not ignoring that call, yeah. | ||
| Just stop pretending. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop pretending. | |
| Like, I'm doing something. | ||
| I don't feel... | ||
| I do not get upset when people send me the voicemail. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You're like, oh, you were doing something. | ||
| So please do it. | ||
| Please send me the voicemail for a goof. | ||
| I can't wait to send you the voicemail now. | ||
| Let me tell you this right now. | ||
| For every time you send me the voicemail, send me another time to voicemail and avoid sending Joey Diaz to voicemail because he will burn your soul. | ||
| You've got to be like, Joey, I can't talk right now. | ||
| I'm getting married. | ||
| I'll talk to you later. | ||
| Okay, bye. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| You've got to answer and you've got to talk to him. | ||
| Now the cons. | ||
| Hey, cocksucker. | ||
| I'm loving your fucking voicemail right now. | ||
| Where have you been all day? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's been 30 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Relax. | |
| It's 11 a.m. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's that camera, though? | |
| That camera has to be amazing. | ||
| It's great, man. | ||
| It's over one megapixel. | ||
| It's 1.3. | ||
| I don't even use the camera. | ||
| And when I get text messages that have picture messages, if it's any, like, look at this bet I made on a fight or something, I have to forward that to my email. | ||
| And look at it on computer because I just can't see it. | ||
| And then you have to do it forwarding on your computer from your phone to your computer. | ||
| You have to do that all by pressing like... | ||
| Individual buttons. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I mean, to hit an S or to hit the number 7, you've got to go 10 times because you're going to overpass the first time. | ||
| You forgot about that. | ||
| I think it doesn't get messages also because I think I've sent you stuff before and you'd probably just never received. | ||
| Well, you probably have that. | ||
| Here, Sam Shibley just sent me a picture. | ||
| How do you enjoy that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For the people listening, it's about 40 pixels. | |
| I don't even know what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a... | |
| I don't even know what it is. | ||
| That could be anything. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Is it like Times Square? | ||
| Is it a funeral? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it people? | |
| Might be mushrooms. | ||
| It's war! | ||
| Aliens have landed! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, Ari, is it annoying, though? | |
| Like, if you're driving, you're like, shit, I'm fucking lost. | ||
| Oh, he said Barnett after Ohio State won the game. | ||
| Josh Barnett after Ohio State won the game, maybe? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| But, like, if you're driving somewhere late at night, you're lost. | ||
| Gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gone. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Also, so, yeah. | ||
| Can't. | ||
| No GPS. That's terrible. | ||
| But, I already have found two new train routes that I didn't really know would work perfectly. | ||
| In the six days I was off at New York, I was like, oh, the six train goes in here and here? | ||
| Oh, I could just take this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know they have the app that tells you that on Google Maps? | |
| It tells you what it tells you, but it never tells me to take the six train, and it's right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It shows you off. | |
| It didn't tell me that. | ||
| I'm telling you, I've been there for a while, and it would never show me that. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, I can take this. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Oh, this one connects. | ||
| I understand the map better, because you have to look and see what connects to what. | ||
| So when you miss your train, if you stop and tie your shoes and miss the one train, and you can't get a signal underground, instead of being fucked, like, which train can I take? | ||
| Like, oh, any of these. | ||
| The R, the N, the Q, these all go there. | ||
| And you can figure it out by learning the maths, which you don't do when you have it on your phone at all times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sound recorder? | |
| Non-existent. | ||
| No. | ||
| I have to open it up. | ||
| Keep it in my pocket. | ||
| Open. | ||
| Because if you close it, it's done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you're going to go back to an iPhone 6 tonight? | |
| Gold one? | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| I'm way more present. | ||
| I'm more social. | ||
| Instantly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I look at my surroundings more. | |
| That part is all carry forward as is. | ||
| And trust me, right now is the worst time for me to do this. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Because I've got a special I'm trying to promote coming out Friday. | ||
| Comedy Central at midnight. | ||
| I've got my storytellers coming out a week from Thursday. | ||
| That's starting. | ||
| Why don't you make a statement out there to all the technophiles and perhaps techno junkies, shall we say? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| People said they couldn't live without it, but it's like, this is what we lived at seven years ago. | ||
| You can't live without... | ||
| You can't possibly live without you... | ||
| What you lived with seven years ago? | ||
| Do you feel like your life has been enriched by abandoning the smartphone? | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Here's the deal. | ||
| We haven't tested it yet. | ||
| We haven't tested what the etiquette is. | ||
| The only reason people don't text while they drive anymore is because they had to make a law against it. | ||
| Otherwise, people just would. | ||
| So the idea that everyone will control it the right amount of time is sort of ridiculous. | ||
| They won't. | ||
| They've proven not to. | ||
| The battery on the iPhone 3 was minuscule compared to what the iPhone 6 is. | ||
| And it lasts the same amount of time because we're on the phone way more. | ||
| I was going to say that you should have like a phone, like a regular phone, and then an iPhone to do like social media type shit. | ||
| Yeah, like an iPod. | ||
| You have to do it. | ||
| Then the problem is two hours in bed every morning before you get out of bed. | ||
| I was going to say, that's your issue, right? | ||
| You get sucked into the web. | ||
| You get sucked in. | ||
| And people say, well, just don't use it. | ||
| Well, it's been five years. | ||
| Welcome back to us, honey. | ||
| We have apps. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| It's just too much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think for your job and everything, you need it. | |
| No, people just say you need it. | ||
| I tweet from my phone. | ||
| I can Instagram from my computer. | ||
| You say you need it, but do you need things? | ||
| Wait a minute, you can Instagram from your computer? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| I didn't know you could do that. | ||
| It's an app. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| I've only used, like, the web browser. | ||
| So then you can, like, change shit on computers, stuff you can't do, like, on your phone, and then, like, update it right there. | ||
| Put memes in yourself. | ||
| I'll have to check it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, you would like that anyway. | ||
| But, but, like, uh... | ||
| I just don't... | ||
| You just don't trust yourself. | ||
| And also I see it on elevators. | ||
| The doors close. | ||
| Everyone gets out like that. | ||
| People don't even look at each other. | ||
| I walk down the street in New York. | ||
| I go 10 blocks in one of the most exciting cities in the world. | ||
| And I haven't looked at my surroundings at all. | ||
| I just haven't even had any new input. | ||
| And you get connected with everyone. | ||
| There is that, but you're connected really with the circle you're already in, friendship-wise, so then you don't make new connections. | ||
| You're like, yeah, I can connect with this friend. | ||
| I'll tell him how he is on Facebook or whatever, on text. | ||
| And then there's no reason. | ||
| Your body doesn't make you, like, say, oh, hey, you reading that book? | ||
| I read that. | ||
| It's a good book. | ||
| Everyone just shuts in. | ||
| They just go to their phone. | ||
| You can't bother somebody on the phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somewhere Dana White's just going like a teardrop. | |
| Yeah, I found out Dana White did it. | ||
| I mean, I knew Attel used a flip phone, and I was like, well, that makes sense. | ||
| But then Louie was like, yeah, I went to 102. I was like, no way, really? | ||
| I mean, you got a lot of shit going on. | ||
| And then when I found out Dana White... | ||
| Louie went to a flip phone? | ||
| I found out Dana White did it too, and I'm like, god damn. | ||
| Dana White has never moved from a flip phone. | ||
| Dana White is so good with his flip phone, he can send you a message while looking right in your eyes. | ||
| He knows exactly what button to press. | ||
| He said all sorts of people are doing it. | ||
| I asked him about it. | ||
| He said all sorts of people are doing it. | ||
| He's like more and more like people that are like winning in life, like doing shit. | ||
| This is how easily influenced I am. | ||
| I'm ready to switch. | ||
| I mean, here's the deal. | ||
| There's growing pains. | ||
| There's growing pains. | ||
| The first day you're like, I need it. | ||
| But that's what happens when you quit caffeine. | ||
| You're fucking, you got headaches. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think if you have an iPad mini, it's totally do that. | |
| There's no reason to do it. | ||
| Brian's like, I think if you have a 42-inch screen that's on a wheel, it rolls in front of you everywhere you go, like handlebars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I think nowadays it's great safety. | |
| Snapchat, half of them is just to get laid. | ||
| Half of those things are just like instruments of sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
GPS. How dare you. | |
| It's true. | ||
| I mean, the reason I have a Facebook fan page at all is because some woman wrote me that once, wrote me on there once, and pretty much laid it out there. | ||
| She wanted to hook up. | ||
| And I was like, damn it, I missed it. | ||
| It's already gone from the city. | ||
| Then I check it every two days. | ||
| Won't go without checking it again. | ||
| Because of that one time! | ||
| All right, it's going to be okay. | ||
| Anyway, it's been pretty cool. | ||
| I'm okay with it. | ||
| GPS sits weird. | ||
| Uber's tough. | ||
| You can only Uber away. | ||
| You can't Uber back. | ||
| So in a city like this where I don't have a car... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What do you mean you can only Uber away? | ||
| I took the bus for the first time. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Uber from my computer. | ||
| Oh, and then getting back home was difficult. | ||
| Because you can't get back home. | ||
| You took the what from the where? | ||
| I took the bus from the doctor's office. | ||
| What the fuck are you saying to me? | ||
| I was like, what bus goes here? | ||
| I just looked and I was like, oh, that goes right by the Beverly Hills. | ||
| Like a regular bus in Los Angeles, California? | ||
| Yeah, I take it twice. | ||
| First of all, the first time, everyone's like, it's all Mexican. | ||
| The first time there was two black people. | ||
| There was a couple from Australia, two white people, and maybe like six or seven Mexicans, but it was other people too. | ||
| And then the second time I took it, they were full-on homeless people on there. | ||
| It was pretty disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So Tinder's probably impossible. | |
| Tinder is impossible. | ||
| But a Tinder I deleted from my phone nine times anyway. | ||
| Nine times. | ||
| Like Duncan was with World of Warcraft. | ||
| I'm like, I can't anymore. | ||
| I got nothing out of it. | ||
| I'll delete it. | ||
| And then like a month later, I'm like, oh, I just did Tinder. | ||
| They don't have any apps that really limit your app use. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| No, they have apps that tell you, you're at your two hours, and then you're like, ignore, keep going. | ||
| Well, you can always shut it off, Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you can't. | |
| You can always go deep into your settings and say, fuck you. | ||
| You can always double tap on that bottom button and delete those bitches. | ||
| But then you just read, get them immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| That's so easy to do. | ||
| When you need to learn how to have a little discipline in your life. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And not stop blaming it on iPhones. | ||
| I got rid of cable for the same reason 10 years ago. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Again. | ||
| Nothing wrong with cable, boy. | ||
| You know what's better for cable? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't do that. | |
| It's better to have cable than to not have cable. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You don't have to watch cable if you have cable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| You have to constantly be glued to the fucking television. | ||
| God, it's a sickness. | ||
| It's always on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can get away from it. | |
| Brian, come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't do that. | |
| That's ruining Tinder. | ||
| Now girls don't see it as a real match when you actually do match because you're fucking idiots. | ||
| You're just like, like, liking all day. | ||
| It should be something special that once you do like each other, now they're like, wow, this guy's interested in me. | ||
| Now they don't even know that. | ||
| Because of you guys that are always liking everything. | ||
| You and Pete Davidson and all these guys. | ||
| Like, like, like, like. | ||
| Just have a little class with it. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| It's a fuck site. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just have a little bit of class and we can all have a nice fuck site. | |
| You're ruining it with your fucking lack of patience. | ||
| Is it ruining it talking about it right now? | ||
| No, it's a great site. | ||
| But is it possible? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not underground. | |
| It's ruining it talking about it? | ||
| Is it ruining it talking about it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did way more damage than I did. | |
| Stop swiping like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The benefit of just accepting everybody is it's better odds. | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're sticking it right in front of our faces. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You were interrupting the conversation. | ||
| Trying to blame it on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| How dare you? | ||
| I love when you can only hear a laugh, and when someone knows, they've been like, oh yeah, good point. | ||
| That kind of laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My point was just trying to show you that you can't do Tinder. | |
| I mean, there has to be so many things that you are actually missing. | ||
| That I'm so addicted to. | ||
| Tinder is one of the best examples of why I should not have a phone. | ||
| It's garbage. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| It takes all your time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, what if something crazy happens, like, you know, like, terrorists? | |
| Let's talk about it. | ||
| Let's hear it, yeah. | ||
| And you are, like, you know, walking in a park, and you hear all these explosions, people screaming, you go to your phone, and you're text-based, I don't know. | ||
| Everyone's gonna go to their phone! | ||
| Somebody's gonna be like, it's the fucking terrorists! | ||
| They say run that way! | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You probably checked your phone! | ||
| Run that way, you say? | ||
| Fine! | ||
| I'm not going to wait and fucking enter into my fucking search engine. | ||
| Well, you will be so easy to deceive. | ||
| That's what everybody does. | ||
| When they show up their apps, everyone's like, no, let me do it on my app. | ||
| Let me get the Google search. | ||
| So easy to deceive. | ||
| So easy. | ||
| I'll go down fast. | ||
| They're going to pull up the wrong website. | ||
| They're going to stick it in your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't snopes it. | |
| It's going to be one of those, like, Onion-type websites. | ||
| You didn't snopes it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just see Ari running. | |
| You're running the wrong way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no dragons. | ||
| You're freaking out. | ||
| They use your footage for their documentary of suckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These are dummies without Google. | |
| Watch what happens to them. | ||
| Keep Google in your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're on a road trip. | |
| You're on the road doing a gig and you rent a car. | ||
| Give me a better example. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you rent a car. | |
| Yeah, with the GPS in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Say I didn't have GPS. They all have it now if I rent a car. | |
| You get lost. | ||
| It's four in the morning. | ||
| You get completely lost. | ||
| Your car runs. | ||
| Then I'll do what I did in high school. | ||
| And I'll find my way home. | ||
| It'll be such a fun adventure. | ||
| It'll be such a fun adventure trying to find your way home. | ||
| We used to do it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would just let myself get lost on purpose. | |
| God, it was fun. | ||
| You learn your surroundings that way? | ||
| You really see a city? | ||
| That seems like a terrible suggestion. | ||
| Get lost on purpose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it. | |
| When I was in Shanghai and I had the fucking GPS telling me exactly which public transportation direction to get there. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And I'll miss that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I might get a GPS. How about you just have a little discipline, boy, and let us have our fucking iPhone? | |
| Your texting sucks. | ||
| Your voice quality sucks. | ||
| That's a shackle, son. | ||
| That's a technological shackle. | ||
| I'll tell you what I found really interesting. | ||
| And also, by the way, you can watch my special on your iPhones. | ||
| Yeah, you can't watch it on a flip phone. | ||
| No, you cannot watch it on my phone. | ||
| Please do not watch it on my flip phone. | ||
| The reaction people give me to me saying, I'm just doing this for a while, is really similar to the reaction smokers give when you say I'm quitting smoking, when pill poppers give when you say I'm done with pills or alcohol. | ||
| It's real similar. | ||
| People react sort of viscerally. | ||
| They get angry at you. | ||
| I'm feeling that right now. | ||
| You are. | ||
| You're getting mad. | ||
| Not so much you. | ||
| We're all talking. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Stop that! | ||
| It's like, why do you care so much? | ||
| Well, people that have addictions, like if you're a coffee drinker and you go to have coffee with your friends every morning... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't do coffee, yeah. | |
| But if you did. | ||
| Right, but when I say, no, I don't do that, then they go... | ||
| No, but I'm saying, what I'm saying is if a guy just quit on you, stopped drinking coffee, and you meet every day, like, you're not going to have coffee? | ||
| No, I don't want to. | ||
| I'm going to have a water. | ||
| Oh, boy, you're too good for coffee? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Come on, have a fucking coffee. | ||
| What are we doing having coffee? | ||
| But it's like, come on, you're getting rid of your iPhone? | ||
| Dude, we have iPhones. | ||
| We have iPhones. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| Don't fuck this up. | ||
| I want to be able to Google. | ||
| I want to be just like you. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love Googling. | ||
| I want an Uber. | ||
| Back and forth. | ||
| Back and forth. | ||
| It's like pros and cons. | ||
| They outweigh each other. | ||
| I'm gonna try this way for a little bit. | ||
| Why don't you just try this? | ||
| This is just. | ||
| This is just. | ||
| Why don't you just? | ||
| This is just. | ||
| Why don't you try this? | ||
| Why don't you try going back to an iPhone like a fucking human? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then this is the move. | ||
| This is the move. | ||
| Just write a rule. | ||
| Write a rule where you can't look at your phone all day. | ||
| I had one where I was like, I won't even, I won't check it until I go, just let me go to a coffee shop, which is like a block away from me in New York. | ||
| Let me just go outside and then I can check it all from there. | ||
| And I was like, well, let me check once before I go out. | ||
| Give yourself three points in the day where you're allowed to text message. | ||
| Are you going to check text messages? | ||
| Can I translate that for you? | ||
| Are you going to tell him that about cigarettes? | ||
| I'm not telling him about it. | ||
| You only get three cigarettes, but then that's a good way to do it? | ||
| You know dogs that eat out of the litter box? | ||
| He's one of those. | ||
| And you yell at them a couple of times and you keep catching them fucking... | ||
| Torso deep into a litter box. | ||
| Chewing on cat shit. | ||
| Those dogs are always going to eat cat shit. | ||
| Why aren't they like it? | ||
| You've got to leave them alone. | ||
| But a smoker, are you going to tell them to smoke three a day? | ||
| I can't tell him that. | ||
| But I can tell you that. | ||
| But you wouldn't tell me to smoke three a day. | ||
| I would not tell you to smoke any cigarettes at all. | ||
| Because that's going to give you cancer. | ||
| But I don't think the cell phone is going to give you cancer if you check your text messages three times a day. | ||
| But it won't just be that. | ||
| You're right there. | ||
| Well, if you only give yourself three strikes. | ||
| Carry around a pack of cigarettes in your pocket and say don't smoke any. | ||
| Give yourself three strikes always. | ||
| Dude, they have these programs that you can say. | ||
| It lights up so you've gone over your hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a man. | |
| Internet use. | ||
| I'm a man. | ||
| I don't need no fucking program. | ||
| Just tell yourself. | ||
| I don't really think I need any of those things besides text and email. | ||
| Not text and email. | ||
| Text and phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you still have a CompuServe email address? | |
| My agents, I tell them, like, if you need me to follow up with something right away, you're going to have to just call me or text me and say, hey, I sent you an email. | ||
| Check that. | ||
| Because business-wise, they always feel like that anyway. | ||
| Like, how can you ever check that email? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| It's been four hours. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They want you to be checking your email all day long. | ||
| You're in an office. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's weird that they don't want to talk to you on phone. | ||
| Just call you. | ||
| Just say, Ari, listen. | ||
| You've got to listen to this. | ||
| It's a new offer coming in. | ||
| They want you to shave your beard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Porn. | |
| I get it, man. | ||
| Yeah, porn. | ||
| I gotta drag my whole fucking laptop over my bed like a goddamn fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Savage. | |
| Cave person. | ||
| Like an asshole. | ||
| What do you do with it when you're done? | ||
| You can't just fucking... | ||
| God, it's awful. | ||
| The battery runs out so quick. | ||
| The battery runs out. | ||
| Poor Ari. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| I think it's great for that. | ||
| Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari Shafir giving as little fucks as possible, slinging some 1996 technology. | ||
| So Adam Eby says, like, do you have a special and a show coming out? | ||
| Why do you have a flip phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It seems like that's not even the best one you can get. | |
| Oh, no. | ||
| I researched it. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. | ||
| This one's one of the better ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| 300 contacts. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't realize that would be an issue until it was like, no fucking way, some of these are 100 contacts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, you gotta decide. | ||
| This one has 300, so that's good. | ||
| 300 plus, I think. | ||
| You don't need 300. Dude, it's like for phone calls, for calling people, pretty fucking dope. | ||
| Yeah, you get right up to your ear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does it have Bluetooth? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| It does. | ||
| So does it sync up with a car? | ||
| Have you done that yet? | ||
| No, but I could, but I don't drive. | ||
| But I Bluetooth it from the other phone. | ||
| Where do they fit it? | ||
| Between the battery and all the phone shit. | ||
| But when you think about it, man, like, there's something satisfying about, like, going, well, you know? | ||
| Oh, yeah, hanging up just like that. | ||
| It does feel good. | ||
| That part feels good. | ||
| That's a pro. | ||
| All right, take care, man. | ||
| Slight pro. | ||
| That's pretty dope. | ||
| I'm sure you get a case that would do that. | ||
| They should have that for iPhone cases. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They did. | |
| It's a slap shot. | ||
| And there's no, like, pocket calls or stupid shit. | ||
| There's no pocket texting or you open up and your phone's on Spotify. | ||
| There's a lot of unexpected things. | ||
| Oh, yeah, exactly. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| How did it do that? | ||
| My dick's trying to make a call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| Yeah, this is pretty dumb, dude. | ||
| I would have to have a phone, too. | ||
| When I went and started doing way more sets in New York, doing three or four at night, my body reacted weird after a while. | ||
| I was like, oh, I think there's too many spots. | ||
| Because I was, like, not really getting the most out of them. | ||
| And then I just overcame that, like, learning curve. | ||
| And I was like, oh, actually, okay. | ||
| If I just gear up for it, this is fine. | ||
| But it just felt too many because it was twice or three times as many I was getting before. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But then it was like, had to get used to it, and now it's like, cool, I like that. | ||
| And now if I have one spot at night in New York, it's like, oh, come on, that's, are we wasting it? | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So a lot of these, with this phone, where it's like, oh, I gotta have that. | ||
| It's like, easy, get over it. | ||
| Just like cigarette urges, where it's like, if you wait 10 minutes before smoking, that's a good way to quit smoking. | ||
| If you wait 10 minutes every time you have an urge. | ||
| And then if you still have the urge, go for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but to me, it's like promoting shows. | |
| I'm like, oh, I need to promote shows while I'm on the road. | ||
| You know, I'm like going to get something to eat. | ||
| Yeah, I definitely got to be better about doing that for my computer. | ||
| But you can time tweets out from Hootsuite. | ||
| Real easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but sometimes, you know. | |
| Yeah, sometimes, sure. | ||
| And then there's sometimes you write a whole bit because you're meeting someone and you're not in your phone checking your fucking Instagram. | ||
| And you have a bit about that meeting. | ||
| I mean, you said it. | ||
| You've seen all the people on stage doing jokes about apps. | ||
| It's non-stop. | ||
| That's everybody's life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess I use my phone for way more than just Twitter. | |
| But you also use it for way more than just work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I mean, I'm using it as my voice recorder on stage. | ||
| I'm using it for my ways on the way home here to see which way I should drive home so I'm not wasting an extra hour in traffic. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, there's just so many, like, little things that... | |
| Like, I mean, do we eat 24? | ||
| So when I get home, there's going to be food waiting for me. | ||
| You know, there's so many little things that, you know... | ||
| Yeah, but you don't have a problem with being addicted to your phone. | ||
| It doesn't freak you out. | ||
| I think what Ari's doing is... | ||
| I didn't like what life was becoming. | ||
| You're trying to optimize the way you think, and you're trying to optimize where you focus your attention on. | ||
| And you felt like you were spending too much time just staring at a little device, and it was taking away from the way you think, taking away from the way you interact with people. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| Totally taken away from the way I interact with people. | ||
| Absolutely, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, just saying that, you saying that, and, you know, taking it into consideration, it made me reconsider it. | ||
| There's this etiquette that's evolving with it now, where people are on it during dinner a lot, you know? | ||
| And then it's like, well, we don't know if you're supposed to or not, because it's such a fast-changing thing that we haven't built a fucking, a way of, a manner system around it. | ||
| So we're developing it now, you know? | ||
| It's becoming more and more like, put your phone away, it's dinner time. | ||
| right you know right right but it's like we have to develop we don't know it's just getting it's busier and busier and all the time and yeah it takes you away from who who you're around isn't that what hipsters say isn't that what the whole thing that a hipster is what it's like against the you know that's not hipster yeah it is what's the term of hipster right that's exactly the term of it against the norm what are you thinking about goths also and about like all those groups are against like the norm Yeah, I mean, hipsters are just one of those groups that's sort of... | ||
| Hipsters are just uber fashionable. | ||
| Well, they're just fighting against what they think is like a staid and boring standard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, fighting against the currently accepted dress codes and all that shit. | ||
| Wearing cardigans. | ||
| There's something to like, you know how when you're on stage and you can't think of a joke and you're just like doing it anyway but you need an ending and the panic in your mind will force you to create an ending right then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes, yeah. | |
| If you don't have your phone to go to when you're in an uncomfortable social situation, you'll feel that uncomfort level for a while and then your body will like, I don't like feeling this way. | ||
| So instead of going to my phone, that was a way out. | ||
| Now it's like, oh hey, you're a Raiders fan too? | ||
| Yeah, I fucking, man, whatever. | ||
| I had some good years there. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| Just something to get out of this uncomfortable thing. | ||
| I just met somebody and hung out with them and tried to make a new friend. | ||
| And they're on Uber all day. | ||
| Yeah, or you're on Uber. | ||
| Instagram and I'm a storm. | ||
| Facebooking up the place. | ||
| Just following those cars. | ||
| Tweeting up a storm and Facebooking up the joint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can see it, girl. | |
| Facebook offers nothing to your life anymore. | ||
| But it does, if you like Facebook. | ||
| God. | ||
| For some people, Facebook is their life. | ||
| It's like their community of friends of friends that you're like, I don't even know most of these people. | ||
| Most people don't know most of their Facebook friends. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Have no memory. | ||
| They have to really think hard. | ||
| And they're just an online community. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's cool. | |
| That part's cool. | ||
| But then you're missing other parts. | ||
| What do you think about the potential for virtual realities online? | ||
| Have you ever talked to Duncan about this? | ||
| Yeah, he may show me his Oculus game. | ||
| Have you seen the new version or the old version? | ||
| No, I saw one from like a few months ago. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't seen the new one either. | ||
| But he called me at the improv one night with fever depression. | ||
| Pitching his voice, man! | ||
| It's a fucking game changer, man! | ||
| Dude, this is fucking bigger than the internet! | ||
| This is bigger than space travel! | ||
| This is bigger than anything! | ||
| He told me about this Oculus Rift where this guy goes into this room and it's all in like 4K HD and he said you really feel like you're in this room and you walk up to a piano and you interact with this guy that's at the piano and he's like it is a mind fuck. | ||
| He said it's so stunning and so realistic that it just makes you realize oh my god this is like If technology, inevitably, we all agree, is going to continue to get better. | ||
| I mean, we've all experienced nothing but that in our life. | ||
| There's been some bottlenecks along the way, but people always figure out some new power source or some new battery supply. | ||
| People figure out how to get... | ||
| People, unlike any of us in this room, right? | ||
| They figure out how to get through that shit. | ||
| We assume that they're going to keep doing that. | ||
| And if they keep doing that, if they're at that now, in 2015, this insanely fucking rich, high-definition, Oculus Rift where you're looking around, it almost feels like you're in the room. | ||
| Apparently, the way they filmed it, they put cameras all over the guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like, everywhere you look, like, they have, like, an image for that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like, you can look down, you can look up, you can look at the sky, you can walk through the room and look behind you. | ||
| Like, you're walking into it like it's a three-dimensional environment. | ||
| And they're going to be able to do that with these, they have these, like, circular treadmills. | ||
| They're 3D treadmills. | ||
| So it's like the holosuite from Star Wars, Star Trek. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| You're just running around in these things. | ||
| You put the headgear on, and you run around on this multi-directional treadmill. | ||
| The treadmill goes left and right and back and forth, and as you're moving around on it, eventually you get a groove with what you're seeing in your headset and what you're feeling when you're running around, and you're running through this artificial world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| This is gonna get really intense, man. | ||
| Yeah, then what are the long-term effects of that? | ||
| And short-term, it's like, oh, I don't know. | ||
| But long-term is something different, too. | ||
| How does it feel once you... | ||
| The kids today, like your kids... | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of people get sick from it, though. | |
| Oh, yeah, it's nausea. | ||
| That's what they kept saying in South Park, too. | ||
| It's like, I'm kind of nauseous. | ||
| Yeah, some people have a really hard time with car sickness and shit. | ||
| It's not quite even with it. | ||
| You don't know which way it's going, or you look down, and it looks a little bit less down than you're looking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I have one and it kind of makes me, after like a good three minutes, I'm like, alright, I gotta take it off. | |
| Because it didn't read your eyeballs. | ||
| So if you look down, then you look into there, but then you look further down with your eyeballs, you know? | ||
| But it just reads that your head is going down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Because when I'm in a front seat on Laurel Canyon and not driving, I don't know when it's going to turn right or left. | ||
| That's when I get the most nauseous. | ||
| What they're going to do eventually, they're going to be able to 3D map your body, and you're going to be able to just show up, like kick in the door of an orgy, and chicks are just going to hop onto your dick, and you're going to feel it. | ||
| You're going to feel them touching your body, feel them touching, you're going to go into this thing with electrodes placed in various spots in your head. | ||
| I mean, if you make it perfectly real, perfectly real, where your body can't tell a difference, then... | ||
| I mean, you're not really going to have a reason to leave. | ||
| The only reason to leave and see the outside world is because, like, well, you can't replace reality. | ||
| But if you can replace reality, then it's like, really, there's no difference. | ||
| Stay there. | ||
| You would want to live in somewhere that really sucks. | ||
| Like Montana in the winter. | ||
| Just for like a day? | ||
| Yeah, just where it's really brutal. | ||
| You want just to appreciate the reality difference between what this artificial world is that you have in your little computer setup and what the real world is outside. | ||
| I wonder if you get happiness getting sun in the artificial world. | ||
| I'll bet you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I would fill you with vitamin D. Sun while you're getting blown on the beach. | |
| Come on, sun. | ||
| You know, you're at the mast of a boat. | ||
| Dr. King's real dream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hanging on. | |
| You've got it wrapped around your wrist several times. | ||
| You're holding onto the mast. | ||
| You're being pulled across the ocean. | ||
| You can do all those things like that? | ||
| While chicks are blowing you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| That's living. | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| I mean, if we really do come up with some sort of technology that replicates that, I mean, what incentive do people have to engage in regular life? | ||
| So they're not going to. | ||
| So let's just assume they're going to stop, because I don't see a reason why they would. | ||
| That's scary as fuck. | ||
| To think that you could create an artificial world that would be so intoxicating... | ||
| That people wouldn't want to participate in the regular world. | ||
| We're on that direction now. | ||
| As soon as this podcast ends, you both, all three of you, and I would have too, are going to bury yourself in your phone for the next 30 minutes. | ||
| Incorrect, sir. | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| My willpower is outstanding. | ||
| You feel a nagging at you at all times too, right? | ||
| I certainly do. | ||
| That's like a pull. | ||
| I gotta check this. | ||
| I gotta stop. | ||
| I gotta check this. | ||
| I'm getting way better at it. | ||
| I'm getting way better at putting it down, just leaving it somewhere. | ||
| Developing a manner system about it. | ||
| But people get upset. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| If someone texts you and they'll text you three hours later or not, Like, sorry, I just got back to my phone. | ||
| Like, I put it down for a while. | ||
| I don't want to be always available at all times. | ||
| You can't go see a movie? | ||
| People, like, don't even give you time for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I plug it in and just, like, drop it off, and I forget I even have it on. | |
| You gotta do that. | ||
| I think you gotta disconnect. | ||
| And I know you promote shows, and you promote shows, and I promote shows, and, you know, like, you... | ||
| You can use that as an excuse, but I think there's something very admirable about what you're doing. | ||
| I think there's some wisdom in what you're doing, too. | ||
| Well, that's all I wanted. | ||
| Some goddamn respect. | ||
| Yeah, I'm respecting it. | ||
| I think it's the move. | ||
| I think to have both is the move, but to give that to your closest friends, I think that's the move. | ||
| So when you have to do some horseshit, you know, you got to do some fucking tax problems, you got to call on a... | ||
| You had that guy... | ||
| Sign this and fax it back to me. | ||
| That motherfucker. | ||
| Do all that shit on the phone. | ||
| Do that on the iPhone. | ||
| But all your friends, your actual real social interactions, if you put someone in your regular flip phone, you really care about them. | ||
| You just keep this in your car, just in case if you need to drive or go see a good restaurant's near. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what I do. | |
| I keep it in my car, so I couldn't even use it in my bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and you keep that on you, so just to make... | |
| Maybe I'll plug the battery into the thing and then superglue that. | ||
| So I literally cannot unplug it from the car charger ever again. | ||
| Yeah, why? | ||
| I'm not going to leave it in my car. | ||
| That's actually a good move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you could always, like, break it loose and go, some fucking asshole superglued my charger to my phone. | ||
| Can you fix this? | ||
| They'd just get you a new one, I guess. | ||
| But that'd be too hard to get on right then to go on Twitter. | ||
| You need AppleCare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They probably have a Kensington lock or a case that has a Kensington lock, which is just a case that you can just connect it to, like, a wire. | |
| Kind of what they use as displays at Apple stores where you can't steal it. | ||
| Oh yeah, something like that. | ||
| Oh, like it glues to it and it clamps on the outside of it. | ||
| Yeah, I guess if they have them at Best Buy, they would have to be able to sell them to regular people. | ||
| It's not like it's government secrets or some shit. | ||
| You could probably buy one of those. | ||
| Yeah, you probably could. | ||
| You just keep that shit in your car. | ||
| Or maybe in your house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great, let's go to an Apple store after here and we'll get you an iPhone. | |
| Why do you get that crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The care, the care that I need to get in the game. | |
| I'm off the train for a little bit. | ||
| He's that heroin junkie. | ||
| I'm not off the grid, I'm just off the train. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hard to track you with that phone. | |
| Where you at? | ||
| That didn't catch on, the where you at thing. | ||
| Oh, there's the button where I can track my friends at all times. | ||
| That was one of the, there's several things that stand out as being ridiculous to call racist. | ||
| One of them was, do you know what happened with Margaret Cho at the Golden Globes? | ||
| Do you know about this thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| Margaret Cho at the Golden Globes played Kim Jong-un's publicist from North Korea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| She put, like, white face on, like, put on, like, pale makeup, and, like, played the dictator, or a dictator, or someone who works for the dictator, right? | ||
| And people were saying that it's racist. | ||
| I'm like, dude, she's fucking Korean. | ||
| That's the race she is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She said it's not racist, it's racist. | |
| Margaret Cho didn't give a fuck, huh? | ||
| She's great. | ||
| Well, she's fucking Korean. | ||
| Not only that, she's a mixed North Korean and South Korean. | ||
| Okay, so fuck off, man. | ||
| She can say whatever she wants. | ||
| Like, it's just people are just waiting. | ||
| They are just sweaty trigger fingers ready to be offended. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| I'm offended. | ||
| Saying something's racist is not racist. | ||
| Just saying a racist thing is not racist. | ||
| Acts are racist. | ||
| Murdering people because they're black, that's racist. | ||
| Just saying, I hate black people, you haven't done anything to the world. | ||
| So fine, so it's racist. | ||
| You haven't done anything. | ||
| Go after people who are actually doing something. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Said, oh, this guy has that opinion. | ||
| Okay, so let him have that opinion. | ||
| Just ignore him. | ||
| That's him being his racist self. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| But you can't not hire black people at your company. | ||
| Or we're going to run you out of here. | ||
| That's the line. | ||
| Doing something. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't want a hostile work environment. | ||
| No, you don't want someone who's going up to people and saying, fuck you, chink. | ||
| You don't want that. | ||
| Obviously, I chose chink because the other one's going to be too divisive. | ||
| The other word? | ||
| The end one. | ||
| Are you going to say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I was thinking of it. | ||
| I switched last minute and came up with junk. | ||
| You don't want that, but if someone wants to think that, then fucking fine. | ||
| Just don't do anything about it. | ||
| It's not fine, right? | ||
| You don't want them around you, right? | ||
| But that's not up to you. | ||
| I don't want fucking Raiders fans around me either. | ||
| But that's not up to me. | ||
| Okay, Ari, if you start a factory, you're producing Ari Shafir t-shirts, and you're in that office all day long, and you choose to answer the phone because you want to take care of this business correct, and you hire two guys, and one of them turns out to be racist, and every day he says a bunch of stupid racist shit, and he poisons the environment. | ||
| He's making the environment bad. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| Well, they all are. | ||
| Anybody that's racist or sexist... | ||
| No, if they say something at home and I find out they say something later outside of office hours at home, then no, that's not a problem for my office. | ||
| Not outside of... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's legal to join the Klan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's legal to do this very outspokenly racist thing. | ||
| That's legal. | ||
| You know the Klan is trying to invite Puerto Ricans in? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why? | ||
| They're inviting all these other people in. | ||
| Shoring up? | ||
| They're trying to expand their horizons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seems like a mistake. | |
| No, they're not. | ||
| Yes, they are. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Here, I'll pull up a story. | ||
| The KKK is trying to expand their horizons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doesn't seem like a good idea. | |
| What? | ||
| Inviting minorities? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, just Puerto Ricans. | |
| Why bother? | ||
| Well, I think they're trying to say this is the new plan. | ||
| All it does to vilify people that say racist things is make it so that no one can speak. | ||
| The KKK is accepting black members. | ||
| Here is what is actually happening. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, just come into the clubhouse, guys. | |
| Just go through the stories. | ||
| Insexual Jewish people? | ||
| Yes, you read correctly. | ||
| Expanding to accept African Americans. | ||
| Man, you would really have to hate other black people to join the KKK as a black guy. | ||
| Click on it instead of just... | ||
| Yeah, we're having a bit of an issue here. | ||
| Well, in this time, I guess I should tell you guys that starting a week from Thursday, my storyteller show, This Is Not Happening, is on every night after At Midnight. | ||
| Oh, good lord. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| People who do it include, from this podcast, Joe Rogan and me. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| Kreischer's on. | ||
| Diaz is on. | ||
| A bunch of people. | ||
| D.L. Hughley, Rob Corddry. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| Segura. | ||
| Powerful Tom Segura. | ||
| Fucking bunch of people. | ||
| Miss Pat. | ||
| I'm forgetting a lot. | ||
| But anyway, eight weeks. | ||
| Oh, there it is. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| I think you're going to see a full episode right now if you go to the Comedy Central app or Comedy Central stand-up app. | ||
| I got to tell you, I like the classic jacket you're wearing there. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| I got that in Hong Kong. | ||
| It looks good. | ||
| It looks very good. | ||
| They told me I had to break out one outfit the whole time. | ||
| And I was like, you know what? | ||
| That was the right time for this suit. | ||
| Yeah, how many suits do you have? | ||
| Two now. | ||
| I got them both made in Hong Kong. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I had a third, but that was like, move out to LA, find a real job. | ||
| Did you decide, like, the style? | ||
| Did you just pick something off the wall? | ||
| He helped me decide, uh-uh, it was handmade. | ||
| That looks nice. | ||
| I mean, a style off the wall? | ||
| Do they have a style to choose from? | ||
| Yeah, there's like a few different cuts you can choose. | ||
| Rocky, he's the best. | ||
| That's amazing, dude. | ||
| You're wearing tailored suits. | ||
| That's dope as fuck. | ||
| 300 bucks. | ||
| Son, you're a baller. | ||
| You're an international baller. | ||
| International baller. | ||
| Look at you, Shafir! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's not herpes. | |
| I remember when you were a doorman at the Comedy Store, now you're an international motherfucking baller. | ||
| A true American success story, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| True American. | ||
| Holla at your boy, Ari Shaffir. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, are you excited to have your special play? | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| I've got to be honest, man. | ||
| The people who listen to this podcast are the reason I was able to do that. | ||
| Comedy Central would even come up to a guy like me. | ||
| It's because of the force behind this thing. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| I can try to be as good as I want, but if I'm an outsider, which I was, that's it. | ||
| They ain't coming calling that way. | ||
| Yeah, you know, there's no outsiders anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, this is the, like, these kind of shows, internet shows, where there's no network behind it. | ||
| That's the last bridge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the last bridge between just straight comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| It's like, I'll just find my own people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So people found me, and that's great, and they put the money behind it, do a cool special at the comedy store, make it look all cool. | ||
| Yeah, don't play any of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks great though. | |
| The stage looks great. | ||
| I like the way that came out. | ||
| Yeah, it looks awesome. | ||
| I mean, it's so obviously the OR, but yet with like a little twist to it with those lights behind you. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| Just like ever so slightly. | ||
| I took it down so much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Why this light bulb? | ||
| Get it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get it out. | |
| Why this light bulb? | ||
| No, get it out. | ||
| Yeah, that fucking room is magical. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that looks great. | |
| That room doesn't leave any... | ||
| There's no space for horseshit in that room. | ||
| There's no space for horseshit, yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Try to riff and it's like, good luck. | ||
| Well, you can. | ||
| You can. | ||
| That's a bad example. | ||
| I mean, like, if it's not all there and you're like, oh, that should have worked. | ||
| Like, no, it wasn't good. | ||
| It made a bad riff. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| They're not going to just laugh anyway. | ||
| Well, it just forces you into that position where you really got to try hard to find the right words. | ||
| And, like, that's one of the things that I was talking about earlier about this time that we're in right now. | ||
| One of the cool things about it is that there's so many other really funny guys around that we're all feeding off each other, and you get inspired by each other. | ||
| So, like, everything is sort of ramped up, and even in your mind, like, all your connections to comedy, your ideas are sort of ramped up because there's all these really good guys around you all the time. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I think that's huge for any sort of artistic... | ||
| Oh yeah, absolutely. | ||
| The bar. | ||
| You see the bar set higher. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once you see the bar set all high, it's like, well, that's what I should be aiming for. | ||
| If you fall short of that, which you will in the beginning anyway, then it's like you're falling short at a 50th percentile. | ||
| But if the bar is set at 40, Yeah. | ||
| If you fall barely short, you're still 39. Well, I think also one of the things that we sort of exhibited after I left the Comedy Store and when we started doing a lot of shit on the internet and started doing this podcast is that we're all sort of like banding together. | ||
| As like a group. | ||
| Like there's a group of comedians that are all banding together. | ||
| And the more everybody else does good, the more everybody else does good. | ||
| They like more comedy. | ||
| I see people see Fultron. | ||
| Like I saw my Fultron. | ||
| Great, man. | ||
| Yeah, you should know about him. | ||
| He's in your town. | ||
| You should go. | ||
| The guy's like that. | ||
| It's like, go. | ||
| Everybody's feeding off everybody. | ||
| And it's getting to this really interesting pitch. | ||
| And if you look at great communities of musicians, great communities of comics, like the old Boston days that everybody always talks about, I think this day right now is the heyday. | ||
| We're in the heyday right now. | ||
| When I look around... | ||
| Golden era. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| Golden era. | ||
| Without any of us in this room, when I look, just extract us from the equation, just look at all the... | ||
| If you were just a comedy fan that was an insurance salesman or whatever, this is maybe the best time ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so many guys I want to see right now. | ||
| And one of those guys has a special premiering Friday the 16th at midnight, 1159, and his storyteller show premiering January 22nd at... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you should just buy it and get the extra footage of Ari Schaeffer the Great. | |
| Yeah, but some people just don't open up the e-wallets that way. | ||
| If you're not a buyer, then you're not a buyer. | ||
| Still watch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but just for the GNA, I think. | |
| How do you feel about people pirating the GNA? Is that ultra insulting? | ||
| No. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Why would it be insulting if someone said, Hey everybody, look at this awesome thing! | ||
| Hey everybody, come look at this thing! | ||
| Because they're pirating your Jew in A. Do you not understand what I'm saying? | ||
| It's a goddamn cheap joke. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| My fault. | ||
| You're a non-Jewish supporter of pirating. | ||
| Like, you never give a fuck. | ||
| Never give a fuck. | ||
| You don't have this attitude, like, trying to maximize your income. | ||
| That's how people get you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| That's how they get you. | ||
| That's how they get you. | ||
| The GNA is only available for the download. | ||
| So if you don't get by the download, how else are you going to see it? | ||
| Other than somebody fucking doing something with it. | ||
| Somebody saying, hey, you should come see this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| That's the way people, you know, the old wrestling tapes were like that. | ||
| Let me show you all this wrestling match you didn't know about. | ||
| That's how you fucking, that's why I just did a wrestling thing with wrestling. | ||
| Wrestling? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People used to trade tapes because the regional ones were on local TV. Oh, good lord. | ||
| So people would have old tapes and like, oh, look at this guy's moves. | ||
| It wasn't pirating. | ||
| It was like sharing information. | ||
| That's all this shit is. | ||
| I couldn't put up my own hotel set because Viacom would have kept taking it down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I had to call Comedy Central. | ||
| I'm like, can you please put up my hotel set? | ||
| And they're like, yeah, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But it's like, let me disperse my information. | ||
| Yeah, I think people are under the impression that if something's online, they won't watch the television as much. | ||
| They're separate markets. | ||
| Separate markets. | ||
| You know, Bo Burnham released his special on Netflix and YouTube. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he's a YouTube celebrity. | ||
| I know, but the people who watch shit like that on YouTube are not the kind of people who watch... | ||
| It's just like they're sort of separate. | ||
| There's a little overlap, but they're sort of separate. | ||
| I watch concerts online, and also overall for ticket sales. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Well, there's also enough people that spend that seven bucks a month every month on Netflix, and it's just as easy to get it through Netflix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, there's so many options of things that you can watch if you watch something like Netflix. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And no commercials. | ||
| No commercials. | ||
| Seven bucks. | ||
| Hulu has commercials, right? | ||
| Hulu has commercials, yeah. | ||
| Annoying ones. | ||
| The same ones. | ||
| Why are you showing the same commercial three times in an episode? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is pretty fast, though. | |
| They're trying to steal your soul. | ||
| They crank it extra loud, too. | ||
| They don't have those rules on them. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| My neighbors are fucking listening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if you're watching The Walking Dead or something like that, that's really spooky and creepy and quiet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Geico! | ||
| Look at the lizard! | ||
| Come on, get out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're invasive. | |
| You know what's funny? | ||
| All these networks have this very specific, like, this is what we want our network to be, to be about. | ||
| And then they take these fucking ads that are so offensive to anyone's sense of creativity. | ||
| Taco Bell ads. | ||
| They're just fucking garbage based on shitty jokes you've seen a thousand times. | ||
| And you're like, this is what you're putting on in between your fucking awesome shows? | ||
| Make a fucking better standard for your commercials. | ||
| It's cloying. | ||
| It bothers very... | ||
| Either straight pitch, you know, use this bank, we'll get you a better APR. | ||
| Or not corny. | ||
| Is the time of the intrusive commercial gone? | ||
| Intrusive! | ||
| Is it seems ridiculous? | ||
| Yeah, it seems ridiculous now. | ||
| You're getting awesome entertainment. | ||
| That's why nobody plays commercials on podcasts. | ||
| And if you want to watch... | ||
| In the middle of it go a real commercial? | ||
| A lot of guys still do. | ||
| But if you want to watch like a television show... | ||
| You do? | ||
| The White Castle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's why you're a holy year. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| If you want to watch a television show on A&E that's also available on iTunes, you're going to have to watch with commercials. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's crazy! | ||
| Isn't it crazy? | ||
| It's crazy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I haven't watched TV like that in so long! | |
| It's just so crazy. | ||
| What? | ||
| That will be in the future what we think of as Blockbuster video right now. | ||
| Like the idea of going to Blockbuster and getting a video is so alien right now. | ||
| Like unless you're like in Hawaii, you know, and you're staying in a room that has a DVD player. | ||
| When the fuck are you renting DVDs? | ||
| You're not. | ||
| Never. | ||
| That shit's ridiculous. | ||
| A lot of people do that red box, but that's like middle America. | ||
| Those people. | ||
| Those fucking miners and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like older people. | |
| I mean, they go to the grocery store, they can pick up a movie. | ||
| I have a sense of standards, too. | ||
| Some interviewer asked me, like, what do I think about the standards? | ||
| I'm like, they're not for the people who would like me. | ||
| The standards? | ||
| Yeah, like, you know how to say these words or something like that, you know? | ||
| Like, FCC rules. | ||
| But, like, anyone who would become a fan of mine wouldn't care about those rules. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So for me to say fuck or for me to say something gross, it's like, none of my fans will care. | ||
| Yeah, the idea that you're gonna, like, cut out... | ||
| That applies to Arkansas Housewives. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| That's not me and my fans. | ||
| They won't watch anyway. | ||
| There's plenty of dummies out there that don't want to hear you swearing. | ||
| That would be offended by certain subject matter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's nothing you're going to do about that. | ||
| Just don't watch. | ||
| But there's so many people. | ||
| That's the thing that people aren't considering. | ||
| That people never considered when they were giving advice to comics back in the day. | ||
| When they're telling them to be clean. | ||
| Yeah, there's so many people. | ||
| If you get your piece of the pie. | ||
| The pie's massive. | ||
| You can fill up. | ||
| On a piece of the pie. | ||
| Ridiculously big. | ||
| Yeah, one one millionth of a percentage. | ||
| The pie has 300 million possible people in this country. | ||
| And look at Starbucks. | ||
| There are companies like, oh, this is great. | ||
| We expand and expand and not just in Seattle. | ||
| And then all over the country. | ||
| It's like, great. | ||
| It's like, oh, guess what? | ||
| The pie is fucking 18 times that big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Go to the whole world. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| And then you make so much more money. | ||
| Exactly how I should feel. | ||
| And it's all about the money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom, boom. | |
| Five or ten dollars to get my special paid regular that's out right now at reshapir.com. | ||
| It's five or ten? | ||
| You can get ten and get the audio too. | ||
| Oh, you get like a double? | ||
| So it's out on iTunes on Tuesday. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| So you get like a package deal. | ||
| Yeah, you get a package deal. | ||
| The video and the audio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn, son, moving forward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm trying to arrange with Comedy Central, too, so we're trying to get this, like, algorithm or just based on, like, because they're, like, starting a new system, and they're pretty cool. | ||
| They're like, all right, you've done this online before? | ||
| Tell us, like, what do you got? | ||
| Any thoughts? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, when someone buys a Joe Rogan special, after that, it said you might also like, and then you got to tell... | ||
| Find some names of guys, like Segura's Half Hour or My Hour. | ||
| Like, yeah, that should come up. | ||
| And then if you like me, then after you watch that, like, here's some other people you might like. | ||
| Not just random dudes. | ||
| Don't put a Bob Saget after me. | ||
| Right, people you actually do like. | ||
| But, like, have it, like, this is a similar... | ||
| No, not Ant. | ||
| Like, have it, don't say it three times, it'll show up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Need somebody to say something homophonic? | ||
| DatFan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
DatFan. | |
| Kick the door in. | ||
| Yeah, just half shit like that. | ||
| So they're trying to build something like that for their website. | ||
| The CC Direct stuff. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, keep building. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good idea. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| All due respect to DatFan. | ||
| I voted for him. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah, it was first year. | ||
| You voted? | ||
| You actually called in and voted? | ||
| No, I was one of the judges. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I voted on the show, they got him in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't see Joe at home opening his phone. | |
| I'm going to contribute. | ||
| I'll be part of the solution. | ||
| That was when... | ||
| Him and Ralphie Mae head to head for one and two, right? | ||
| Yeah, Ralphie Mae was there. | ||
| Who was three that year? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me neither. | |
| I was just in the beginning, like when they were trying out to be on the show. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| I was one of the judges on that. | ||
| They'd have comics go up and do sets. | ||
| Yusuf just tried out for a new season. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was the best trial process ever seen. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They don't reject you or accept you right there. | ||
| You go up, there's a full crowd at the improv. | ||
| Go up, do three minutes, get off, leave. | ||
| Who's the host now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe Wanda Sykes. | ||
| Oh, that's a good move. | ||
| No, they had her already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's done. | |
| Bill Bellamy did it for a while, right? | ||
| Yeah, he was never here. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| He was here. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| Bill Bellamy till I die. | ||
| Till I die forever. | ||
| That was... | ||
| Who was Ingram's black character? | ||
| What's Ingram's black character? | ||
| Darnell. | ||
| Darnell. | ||
| His favorite comic was Bill Bellamy. | ||
| He goes, oh, you remember that one bit? | ||
| Where he's like, with the Rolodex. | ||
| To call bitches. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Darnell. | ||
| Or maybe Darnell was his cousin. | ||
| Darnell was his cousin. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Why can't I remember his name? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Marijuana. | ||
| Marijuana fucks with memory. | ||
| No, Darnell was Ingram's character's cousin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you hear about Jeremiah, what happened? | |
| Watkins? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got skin cancer and he got a big chunk taken out of his back. | |
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm doing a show tonight. | ||
| Me too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you? | |
| The Three Clubs show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's got his arm brace on. | |
| I was like, what happened? | ||
| Why do you have an arm brace on? | ||
| Cancer. | ||
| Maybe, what if we found out that Satan fucked him in the ass and shot his demon load on his neck. | ||
| Oh, and that would make cancer. | ||
| That would make cancer. | ||
| If we found out that Jeremiah's just tired of being on the periphery. | ||
| It's a funny comic. | ||
| It's got a lot of talent. | ||
| It just needs to do what a lot of these other guys have done. | ||
| He made a deal with the devil. | ||
| Satan's like, I'm just going to put the tip in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a tip. | |
| People say I shouldn't trust you. | ||
| I don't need to do much because you're very talented already. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just going to have to put the tip in. | |
| It's just a tip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what's that noise? | |
| Relax. | ||
| It's hard to relax when you're talking to me like that. | ||
| That can't just be the tip. | ||
| That was like, I got a six mile tip. | ||
| You hear the fluttering of his wings as he shoots his hot load on your back. | ||
| Hot olive oil. | ||
| As your skin fucking rides in agony. | ||
| Where his load ate through. | ||
| That's it, folks. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| That's the end of this podcast. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Friday, January what? | ||
| 16th. | ||
| On where? | ||
| 11.59, Comedy Central. | ||
| 11.59. | ||
| Set your DVRs right now. | ||
| Why even risk it? | ||
| Well, if it's 11.59, that means that it's uncensored, correct? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Glorious. | ||
| Uncensored. | ||
| On television. | ||
| He can say cunty. | ||
| I said cunty on Comedy Central. | ||
| Oh, so they don't put bleeps over the cuss words there? | ||
| That's right, baby. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| Watch that, then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Oh, fuck, yeah. | ||
| Bleeps are annoying. | ||
| They do whatever they want. | ||
| Yeah, and then the following week, January 22nd, Thursday, and every Thursday after that, This Is Not Happening premieres, the first one's with me, Bobby Lee, Keegan-Michael Key. | ||
| Chrysler's on the second one, and the intro to the second one is amazing. | ||
| Jim Tomczyk, that guy who did the intros, did eight different intros for eight episodes. | ||
| He's out of his mind. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Good googly moogly, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Good googly moogly. | ||
| Joe Rogan's on week five or six, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four. | |
| That was fun, man. | ||
| Awesome crowd. | ||
| I love the fact that you're doing it in that weird little strip joint place, too. | ||
| Weird environment. | ||
| It's got such a great vibe. | ||
| It's a little... | ||
| Unpretentious vibe. | ||
| Like, I think the vibe of that place, like, helps those shows. | ||
| Because it's not a comedy club where you demand, like... | ||
| It's a strip club. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| What are you upset about? | ||
| It's a weird... | ||
| The beast themselves here. | ||
| Yeah, and you're having a lot of people that come on that aren't even comics. | ||
| You're having McCordry, Shear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a great idea, man. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keegan? | |
| Beautiful to see it on Comedy Central. | ||
| Ari's ballin'. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chaka chaka chaka. | |
| We actually got this tomorrow. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| We're doing that too. | ||
| Yeah, January 14th, we will all be at the Comedy Store for Sam Trisley's Naughty Show. | ||
| I think it starts at 9 p.m. | ||
| Is that correct? | ||
| Yeah dog Jesus Rogan Jeffries Yeah Ari Shafir is gonna be Morgan Murphy's gonna be there January 30th I'm at the Mirage In Lost Wages Dude Cerrone's fighting again After you told him Like you may as well get in there And ask to fight again Yeah he got right back in He said fuck it Three weeks later I've never seen twice in a month Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. | ||
| Yeah, I wish you were coming with me, man. | ||
| Yeah, that would be cool. | ||
| I got all this shit. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Yeah, that'd be cool. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to Boston with Ian. | ||
| Was that a Joe Lozon fight? | ||
| Was he supposed to fight Benson? | ||
| Joe was supposed to fight. | ||
| I think he got hurt. | ||
| I don't know if he was supposed to fight Benson. | ||
| I don't remember the original. | ||
| He was supposed to fight somebody, though, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes, he was supposed to be, but I believe he got injured. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, thanks, Joe Rogan. | ||
| This has been fun as always. | ||
| Thank you, Ari Shafir. | ||
| You're fucking awesome. | ||
| Only reason to come into the Valley is to do the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. | ||
| Shit on the Valley. | ||
| I was born here. | ||
| Till I die! | ||
| Alright, that's it, you awesome people. | ||
| Oh, January 30th, Mirage, Vegas. | ||
| Ian Edwards and Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chugga, chugga, chugga. | |
| See you guys soon. | ||
| Much love. | ||
| Big kiss. |
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