Jan. 12, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:57:45
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Your problem with Brian's fucking microphone, listen to that goddamn fan. | ||
| God, that fan sucks. | ||
| Yeah, until you, when you turn your mic up and down, you're gonna have to do that when you talk, because that microphone's dogshit. | ||
| Just be careful of your drink there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | |
| You're right. | ||
| That thing's loud as heck out over here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are we live? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, yeah, that thing's loud as fuck. | ||
| We have a problem here, folks. | ||
| It's not a major problem. | ||
| We have this new TriCaster set up. | ||
| HD Joe Diaz. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| We're in HD now, but unfortunately the TriCaster has fans on it. | ||
| It's super noisy where Brian's microphone is positioned. | ||
| Maybe I could just sit over there until we fix this. | ||
| Sit over there, yeah. | ||
| Sit over there and we'll throw a camera on you and let Jamie run it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, come on over here, bitch. | ||
| Let's do it, baby. | ||
| Be one of us. | ||
| Come over to the big boy's table. | ||
| We got this TriCaster set up, and it's pretty sweet. | ||
| It's because a lot of people watch this on their televisions. | ||
| You know, you take, like, Chromecast, or you just use an HDMI cable. | ||
| There's a bunch of different ways you could do it. | ||
| Or you could use that Apple thing where you throw it to Apple TV and you could watch it on Apple TV. What is that called? | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| Apple TV AirPlay. | ||
| AirPlay, yeah. | ||
| So anything that's on your computer, you can watch on TV. You just shoot it to that, and if you're using the Air... | ||
| That's how it works, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can do it from your iPad or your iPhone or anything like that. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty fucking sweet. | ||
| So, we're moving into 2015, Joe Diaz. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| We're taking shit to the next level. | ||
| My wife canceled cable. | ||
| Did she really? | ||
| Yeah, she kept some package. | ||
| She said, that's it. | ||
| We live on Netflix. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Well, I gotta tell you. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I ain't gonna lie to you. | ||
| When I come home at night from comedy, Netflix, and I unwind, and I can watch whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A buddy of mine worked for sci-fi for 20 years, and he said, I got it once. | ||
| He goes, I would watch how my children would watch TV. Mm-hmm. | ||
| And I knew that they were onto something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They watch kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I kept going to sci-fi and telling them, and they were like, fuck, you know what you're talking about. | ||
| He quit. | ||
| And he started his own YouTube channel, horror show, and he's fucking killing them. | ||
| But it's funny how even my daughter goes nuts when a commercial comes on. | ||
| When she's watching Bubble Guppies and a commercial comes on, She's two, and she looks at me like, because she's not used to it. | ||
| On Netflix, when I put on Dora or whatever, or The Grinch That Stole Christmas or whatever. | ||
| There's no commercials. | ||
| So for her, it's fucking... | ||
| So I watched her the other day, and I'm like, look at this. | ||
| Even a fucking two-year-old tells you that commercials suck ass. | ||
| Yeah, they're not fun. | ||
| It's unnecessary, and it ruins the vibe of the show. | ||
| I watched The Walking Dead almost entirely on Netflix, or on Apple TV, rather. | ||
| But I decided to record it on my DVR one night, and I tried watching it on regular TV. Oh, it's fucking awful. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| Oh, that's what it was. | ||
| I watched it live without recording it. | ||
| Because you can't watch it on Apple TV until the next day. | ||
| So it came out on Sunday, so I watched it live. | ||
| So we just paused it and walked away for 20 minutes and came back so we could fast forward through all the bullshit. | ||
| But it's like every fucking 15 minutes, they have this big break. | ||
| And the show stops and... | ||
| It's a dumb way to intrude on television. | ||
| It's like, for whatever reason, they started doing it like that, and they stuck with it. | ||
| And some guys do it like that with podcasts. | ||
| Like, I love Adam Carolla, but Adam Carolla does commercials like a radio show. | ||
| He does them all the time. | ||
| He does them every 15 minutes. | ||
| You know, he's got, like, breaks, like hard breaks, just like a radio show. | ||
| You know, I guess that's the world he came from, so he decided to just do it that way. | ||
| Well, these new marketing agencies, They contact you now? | ||
| They're trying to ruin you. | ||
| They dangle big money at you, but they want you to read 18 times a show. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| It becomes what we went to get away from. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So, no. | ||
| I don't interrupt. | ||
| I won't interrupt. | ||
| I do it before. | ||
| I do it afterwards. | ||
| I'll put shit on Twitter. | ||
| If I think it's a good product and I enjoy it, I'll do it, but I'll do it with no contract. | ||
| Like, if I tweet something, like, if you see me tweet something about NatureBox, it's because I like it. | ||
| Like, I got these sriracha cashews. | ||
| They're the shit. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| So I tweet it. | ||
| Like, there's no agreement. | ||
| There's no, like, you have to tweet this five times a week. | ||
| There's none of that. | ||
| No, I don't want to tweet shit. | ||
| So I don't interrupt any podcast, and I don't, because I don't want that. | ||
| When I'm listening to stuff, I like stuff to go all the way through to the end. | ||
| And I'd be more inclined to support something that supported that than I would be to inclined to support something that's that same old system. | ||
| That system sucks, man. | ||
| Every 15-minute system. | ||
| You don't do it. | ||
| You don't have commercials on any of your fucking podcasts. | ||
| I don't do any commercials, yeah. | ||
| None at all. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| You need to make some money. | ||
| Well, I usually just say, hey, go to, if you want to help out, just go to Shop Squad, and then that just takes care of everything in one little swoop. | ||
| Are we rocking a split screen now? | ||
| Old school, like the old days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| We're going old, but we're going new again. | ||
| I'm sorry, what's in between Apple TV and Netflix? | ||
| Well, Netflix is incorporated in Apple TV, so if you have an Apple TV, there's Netflix in there. | ||
| You just gotta sign up for an account. | ||
| But you said that Apple comes out the next day. | ||
| Netflix... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, Netflix doesn't have... | ||
| I don't think they have The Walking Dead. | ||
| If they do, it's probably like the earlier seasons. | ||
| With Apple, you buy the whole season. | ||
| Like, you rent a season. | ||
| And you can watch, like, all the episodes at once. | ||
| Which is legit! | ||
| If you haven't done... | ||
| Do you watch Walking Dead? | ||
| No, I'm scared of that shit. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You know, when I was a kid, I went to the One. | ||
| We would get high and go to Dawn of the Dead and those type of movies, you know? | ||
| And that was George Romero was the fucking crazy fuck when I was a kid. | ||
| That's the guy that made all those movies. | ||
| Yeah, Night of the Living Dead. | ||
| And I still remember that one thing with the black guys yelling, Mama, Mama, and he stands next to the helicopter. | ||
| And the helicopter just cuts the top of his fucking head off. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Like, I just never. | ||
| And I, you know, I don't know. | ||
| It's not for me, people walking around like zombies and shit. | ||
| I have fucking nightmares and stuff, so I don't watch nothing. | ||
| American Horror Story is probably one of the scariest motherfucking shows I've turned down and lasted for like 13 or 14 minutes. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| That lady's fucking scary, dawg. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What is her name again? | ||
| She used to be good-looking. | ||
| Hot as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, hot as fuck when we were young. | ||
| What is her name? | ||
| Goddamn, it's not fake. | ||
| Angelica Houston? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Not Angelica Houston, the other one. | ||
| She was in The Mailman Always Rings Twice, The Postman Always Rings Twice. | ||
| Goddamn, she was hot back then. | ||
| What is her name, man? | ||
| Jessica Lange? | ||
| Jessica Lange. | ||
| Yes, that's who it is. | ||
| You know, she was Faye Ray in the King Kong remake. | ||
| The Dino DeLorientis. | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| King Kong remake with Rick Baker, which is like... | ||
| That was like the second King Kong. | ||
| It was like the old school King Kong. | ||
| It's a stop motion claymation that looked like shit. | ||
| But then Rick Baker did a version of King Kong that was super sophisticated for the time. | ||
| And she was... | ||
| Jessica Lange was the Faye Ray. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was on his phone. | |
| Girl, when Jack Nicholson put her on the table and fucked in that movie, it was tremendous. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She looked great. | ||
| Yeah, she was smoldering. | ||
| But you know what, man? | ||
| She, as an actress, like, or an actor, I guess you say, doesn't need to be gender specific, she fucking holds her own right now. | ||
| She is as good as anybody, man. | ||
| She's so creepy on that show. | ||
| She's so, like, powerfully creepy, you know? | ||
| Like, there's just a realism to the crazy that she projects. | ||
| It scares the shit out of me, man. | ||
| And the black chick is on there, too. | ||
| The one that played Tina Turner with... | ||
| Is she? | ||
| She's in the new season? | ||
| I haven't watched the new seasons. | ||
| She's in a couple of seasons. | ||
| The fat chick from that cut off Jack Kahn's legs, James Kahn's leg and... | ||
| Kathy Bates is in it? | ||
| Kathy Bates is... | ||
| Oh my God, she's a motherfucker. | ||
| It's a fucking scary-ass fucking show. | ||
| My wife watches. | ||
| I walk back and I'm like, fuck you, I keep walking. | ||
| Do you have to watch the older seasons to be caught up, or is it a new season, a totally new story? | ||
| I don't know how it fucking works, man. | ||
| You just tune in and freak out and then get out of the room? | ||
| I sit down for like eight minutes. | ||
| I watch Jessica Lange. | ||
| I watch the black chick. | ||
| And I get the fuck out of there. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I can't deal with that shit at all. | ||
| I watched Angel Heart. | ||
| I couldn't sleep for fucking... | ||
| Angel Heart was on a couple weeks ago. | ||
| And I stayed up and watched it. | ||
| Fucking scared the shit out of me. | ||
| It's really well written, because they set up the first episodes. | ||
| I don't want to give any spoilers, but a family moves into this house, and Jessica Lange is, like, the neighbor, or she comes by, and she comes by, like, unannounced. | ||
| It's real creepy how she does it, and, you know, you know she's fucking nuts, and so the guy's there with his wife and his children, and you're like, oh, fuck. | ||
| Like, this is gonna end terrible. | ||
| It, like, draws you in, like, right away. | ||
| You get nervous, and you feel freaked out, like, right away. | ||
| Do you have Hulu, Joey? | ||
| Did you ever get Hulu? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, I got Hulu. | ||
| I quit my cable also, and Hulu is actually one of the best ones because you can do shows usually the day after or at the same day. | ||
| Like South Park's a good one on there if you like South Park. | ||
| What networks do they have? | ||
| What networks do they have? | ||
| They have a lot of Fox ones. | ||
| They have... | ||
| Brooklyn Nine-Nine. | ||
| Yeah, they have a lot of NBC, like Saturday Night Live and stuff like that. | ||
| It's a nice blend of all the main networks and also... | ||
| They also have movies on there, so it's a nice little change from... | ||
| Also, Amazon Prime is another thing. | ||
| If you have Amazon Prime... | ||
| You get access to all of Amazon Prime's stuff also, and they have their own shows, and you can also rent movies through them, which is nice. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it's all the options that are available today. | ||
| You're not the first person to tell me either. | ||
| I have several friends that have cancered the cable. | ||
| People said, I don't want to do a buck and a half no more. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| Yeah, it seems ridiculous. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| Netflix is seven bucks a month. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, it's $7. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, that's so insane. | ||
| And the other one's $8.99. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So for $20, you got everything. | ||
| And I think CBS just announced that they have something for, like, $5, and you just get all of this CBS, which is silly because you can get it for free already, but I guess the convenience of downloading whatever you want. | ||
| HBO's going, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, HBO's going. | |
| So if you just want to watch Game of Thrones, fuck them. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, you just go HBO online, right? | ||
| It's pretty much becoming of a cart, which is something that I've always wanted in a cable company, being able to pick and choose which channels you want. | ||
| Cable companies are screwed. | ||
| Yeah, and when you develop a show, like if you, when I was doing that sci-fi show, you film the show, you edit it, and once it's edited, then it has to wait for, you know, whatever night it's on, Tuesday night at 8 o'clock, whatever it is, and then You wait for it to go on, and then the show broadcasts live, Tuesday night at 8, and they sandwich in a bunch of shit that you don't want to see. | ||
| So in between that, you're watching Prilosec commercials and fucking Toyota commercials and all this shit that you don't give a fuck. | ||
| You're just being... | ||
| They're literally fucking with your experience. | ||
| Just, come on, buy me! | ||
| Come on, buy this! | ||
| Hey, what about this? | ||
| I feel better! | ||
| Look at my wife! | ||
| Look at my car. | ||
| Next one. | ||
| What about us? | ||
| You could buy us, too. | ||
| What about us? | ||
| Do you have insurance? | ||
| Is your insurance run by a lizard? | ||
| And they have all this fucking goofy shit, and it ruins your experience. | ||
| They don't have to do that anymore. | ||
| What are they going to do for commercials? | ||
| Product placements, I think, mostly. | ||
| That's even grosser. | ||
| And I think that's the reason why we're paying a monthly subscription fee. | ||
| If you're, like, holding up a fucking soda, like, I know why he killed her. | ||
| It's done right, though. | ||
| South Park is a good example of them doing it right, where they actually I think have sponsors, but they just trash the sponsor the whole time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Out of nowhere, just one episode, they'll be doing, like, Dr. Pepper, but yet they just talk mad shit on Dr. Pepper the whole time. | ||
| You could talk shit on Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Pepper's basically invincible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, as long as you're talking about Dr. Pepper, unless it's killing anybody, it's not killing anybody. | ||
| But if you want to talk shit about the way Dr. Pepper tastes, you ain't affecting anybody. | ||
| You know, I noticed that one night I was watching Diane Sawyer, the day that fucko... | ||
| Said something. | ||
| Who's the guy that said, oh, Rush Limbaugh? | ||
| What did he say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He took pills 20 years ago. | |
| But then a couple years ago on his radio show, he said something. | ||
| I'm sitting there watching Diane Sawyer, and she pops up on the screen, and all of a sudden they pop up the sponsors that left them. | ||
| Those sponsors were like, fuck Rush Limbaugh, we just hit the jackpot. | ||
| That's what they don't really realize. | ||
| If they sponsor Joey Diaz's radio show, and he says, fuck whoever, whatever genre group, and they get rid of him, Diane Sawyer's gonna come up and go, did you hear what happened to Joey Diaz today? | ||
| And also they show American Airlines, Delta. | ||
| Delta's going, we didn't lose. | ||
| We fucking 630, Diane Sawyer. | ||
| That's as good as it fucking gets. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| They didn't lose. | ||
| So either way, you don't lose because they mention you. | ||
| Nobody loses. | ||
| They don't really fucking lose. | ||
| Did you see what happened with his perfect example? | ||
| I'm not trashing Adam Carolla. | ||
| Like I said, I love Adam. | ||
| But Adam had this chick, Alison Rosen, who was on her show, and he just decided he wanted to try something different, which is his prerogative. | ||
| But here's what happened. | ||
| Her show, It was shot through the fucking ratings. | ||
| It was number one out of all podcasts on iTunes. | ||
| And you know why? | ||
| Because people responded. | ||
| Because she's really nice. | ||
| Like, Alison Rosen is really nice and really smart. | ||
| And she's a good podcaster. | ||
| So, like, I think, and I even sent her an email. | ||
| I said, you're gonna be fantastic on your own. | ||
| Like, you don't need anybody. | ||
| Like, it's probably better for her to be completely independent because I think her show could be really profitable. | ||
| It could be really good. | ||
| When you're that smart and that opinionated, you should have your own show. | ||
| I mean, she's really good. | ||
| People always liked her. | ||
| Yeah, she's great. | ||
| People have loved her. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| And she had her own show for a long time. | ||
| No, she still has it. | ||
| Alison Rosen is your best friend, or your new best friend. | ||
| She's really good. | ||
| So when she got fired... | ||
| Her show just shot up. | ||
| Shot through the fucking ratings. | ||
| Shot up through the fucking roof. | ||
| And I think that just shows you that, like, if it gets out there, if there's controversy, like, oh, Alison got fired. | ||
| Poor Alison. | ||
| Poor Alison! | ||
| What are you, crazy? | ||
| She's number one now. | ||
| She's number one. | ||
| She shot past all of us. | ||
| Because there were so many online stories about it. | ||
| And, you know... | ||
| Because the timing was really bad for her. | ||
| Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Her dog just died. | ||
| Her dog died, and she was out of town, and it was done by email. | ||
| There was a lot going on with it. | ||
| But hey, man, the guy should be able to do whatever the fuck he wants to do with his show. | ||
| But the bottom line is, she showed that she was really good on the show, and then the controversy of him firing her was huge. | ||
| It was way better than him giving her some... | ||
| If he announced Alison Rosen being vice president of controversy at Adam Carolla Enterprises, nobody would give a fuck. | ||
| But her getting fired for it. | ||
| If you got on the radio and you were like, Castro! | ||
| Fuck all these cocksuckers! | ||
| Suck my dick! | ||
| And then, you know, Nature Box pulled out and everybody got crazy. | ||
| We are no longer sponsoring the Joey... | ||
| And it was a big... | ||
| Oh, all over these websites. | ||
| Nature Box pulls out of the Joey Diaz podcast. | ||
| You would get hundreds of thousands more downloads that week. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands! | ||
| Offers. | ||
| Look at... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Two and a half, man. | ||
| Charlie Sheen. | ||
| He got fired, drugs, hookers, blow. | ||
| Fuck, FX is right there with an envelope. | ||
| Not only did they have an envelope, they gave him the stupidest deal anyone's ever given anybody ever. | ||
| He made all the episodes. | ||
| They did a hundred-episode deal, and they make them over a really short period of time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So they're just churning out scripts. | |
| Like, you... | ||
| I don't have to tell you. | ||
| It takes time to write something good. | ||
| Sometimes it doesn't. | ||
| Sometimes you have the best idea. | ||
| Like, you'll hear about Quentin Tarantino. | ||
| He did blow. | ||
| He ran up to his apartment real quick, and he just spent the next six hours writing a script to, you know, Pulp Fiction 2 or some shit. | ||
| Occasionally, that does happen. | ||
| Like, um... | ||
| Hunter Thompson wrote most of his, the book he wrote about Hell's Angels, he wrote most of it coked up, like in one night. | ||
| Like most of it, like he finished up the book, like in one night, just rattled out. | ||
| It is possible, but most of the time, you gotta spend time, you gotta do revisions, so they're not doing any of that. | ||
| They're just fucking slamming them out there. | ||
| And if it went past X amount of episodes, I forget what the deal was, they had to film all 90, so he got this huge deal. | ||
| So he made like $900 million or something stupid, or $90 million. | ||
| Just some ungodly sum of money from that deal. | ||
| Something with a nine in it. | ||
| Jamie would know. | ||
| I bet Jamie knows the exact number. | ||
| I bet he's got a tattoo. | ||
| Well, he was talking about it all morning today. | ||
| I love Gossip Jamie. | ||
| The whole idea makes me laugh. | ||
| The controversy for anything is almost worth doing. | ||
| That's why people stir up shit on purpose. | ||
| Anybody that's in the reality show business, all they're doing is just controversy, controversy, controversy. | ||
| Can we get some controversy? | ||
| If we have controversy, we've got a show. | ||
| Controversy! | ||
| Ta-ta-ta-ta! | ||
| I mean, that's all they're trying to sell. | ||
| That's all they're trying to sell. | ||
| But you can see right through it. | ||
| You can! | ||
| I can. | ||
| Let's see a reality show. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| This is the white chick who caught the black husband with a transvestite and took him back. | ||
| And the show's on E! And she's like, what do I do with such a tough... | ||
| He was with a fucking transvestite. | ||
| You get rid of that fucking freak. | ||
| And now she took him back again, and now they're on season eight, and... | ||
| You know, who even cares about that fucking broad? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| People care if they put him on the cover of a magazine. | ||
| Like, if you're on the cover of a magazine, and that's what you sell, like those reality star-type people. | ||
| It just has to be, they're on the cover, and then something happens. | ||
| She dumped him for this guy. | ||
| There's a more handsome guy. | ||
| Shit, now he's in the dumps. | ||
| That's all you need to do. | ||
| And then people go, well, what happens next? | ||
| What happens to him? | ||
| What happens to her? | ||
| Will they be reunited? | ||
| Will she forgive him? | ||
| Will he forgive her? | ||
| They got me hooked. | ||
| I mean, you don't even know what Kim Kardashian's fucking voice sounds like. | ||
| Do you understand that? | ||
| Like, you would not be able to tell that. | ||
| If Kim Kardashian was doing a commercial for Delta, you wouldn't be like, oh, that's Kim Kardashian. | ||
| But if, like, say, um, what's her name, uh, from Friends, uh, no, the other one. | ||
| Phoebe Cates. | ||
| What's her? | ||
| No, not Phoebe Cates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lisa Kudrow. | |
| Lisa Kudrow. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Gossip Jamie. | ||
| You hear how funny it is when he turns the mic on? | ||
| Turn it on for a second just so everybody can hear the fan. | ||
| That is so stupid. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| We're working it out, folks. | ||
| We're working it out. | ||
| The video looks beautiful, though. | ||
| What is her name again? | ||
| Courtney Cox. | ||
| Lisa Kudrow. | ||
| This fucking guy's got the big tip of his fingers. | ||
| She's very talented. | ||
| Have you ever seen Courtney Cox's show? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| With the fucking plastic surgery. | ||
| Oh, I've seen her. | ||
| And they put friends before it some nights on, like, TNT. Just to fuck with her? | ||
| Well, sometimes they have that. | ||
| Yeah, they have her on TNT and something on TBS. They have friends on TBS. Oh, no. | ||
| And Kuga Tyler, you're in a hotel room after doing a show, and you go, and there they are, and you're like, oh, my God! | ||
| What the fuck happened? | ||
| That fucking plastic surgery those chicks do, it doesn't make them look better. | ||
| It just makes them look different. | ||
| When you start shooting shit into your face to freeze it up and puff your cheeks up to hide wrinkles, it does not make you look better. | ||
| It just makes you look different. | ||
| And there's the uncanny valley. | ||
| You know what the uncanny valley is? | ||
| This is a term they use for video games, where, with CGI, they're really close to being able to completely replicate what a person normally looks like. | ||
| Don't pull up her face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, I'm not. | |
| Don't be rude, you son of a bitch. | ||
| This motherfucker. | ||
| Uncanny valley, like, There's some videos that you can see now that NVIDIA has created, where they are so close to it looking... | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What are you showing? | ||
| It shows you all the different stuff. | ||
| They're not seeing it, but this is for us. | ||
| It's all the different versions of the Uncanny Valley. | ||
| I'll pop it up so they can see it. | ||
| Okay, well, let me just explain the term. | ||
| Don't pull this up. | ||
| The term that they use in... | ||
| You're confusing the shit out of me. | ||
| Yeah, I have no idea what the fuck's going on here. | ||
| This has nothing to do with that. | ||
| That's a different uncanny valley. | ||
| The uncanny valley that we're talking about is the difference between CGI, like high-level CGI, and a person. | ||
| Like, it's so close, but there's something creepy about it. | ||
| And that's what they call the uncanny valley. | ||
| There's this valley that they can't quite cross. | ||
| Like, did you see... | ||
| The dead eye. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, did you see the latest NVIDIA shit? | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| I'm pretty sure we could show that. | ||
| Show NVIDIA's latest technology for CGI. Oh, the guy's face. | ||
| Yeah, the guy's face. | ||
| We saw it in person, me and Todd Messereau from my TV show. | ||
| We went to see it in person in Northern California. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| It's fucking incredible, man. | ||
| But it still hasn't bridged that uncanny valley. | ||
| We could show this on the podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is all NVIDIA's technology, and they have pores, they have sweat, but what they can't do is tongues. | ||
| So when the guy's talking, they can't quite do tongues. | ||
| And the teeth look a little fucking weird. | ||
| His eyes look dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But goddamn, that's pretty close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| That's getting real close. | ||
| But there's still something about it where you're like, man, I don't know. | ||
| They got skin down, but they don't have edge down. | ||
| Like, the edge detection around the forehead, you can see it's a little weird. | ||
| Yeah, like a green screen, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's like the difference between the... | ||
| Well, it's also... | ||
| Why is everything in the background blurry, you know? | ||
| Well, I guess that's just a sample, but still it's... | ||
| But you're pretending, what, this is an old-school camera? | ||
| Is that what you're doing? | ||
| Like, why is that shit all blurry like that? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| And his head's floating. | ||
| But that's, like, real close. | ||
| But they still can't do that yet. | ||
| I don't know why we were bringing up the Uncanny Valley. | ||
| Because the fucking people with plastic surgery. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because they got that uncanny fucking valley. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| They all look the same. | ||
| And they're all starting to look creepier and creepier. | ||
| And they're not all going to be happy until they all look like Walking Dead or something like that. | ||
| They're all going to be hanging out together. | ||
| Oh, yours looks great. | ||
| Did you get it done? | ||
| No, you don't look fucking great. | ||
| You look like a fucking something. | ||
| You look monstrous. | ||
| They start looking monstrous. | ||
| It's unfortunate. | ||
| And it looks, you know, it looks crazy. | ||
| Like you're a crazy person. | ||
| Like you're doing, you know, it's not like some tribal thing where you're doing like some tribal scarring on your face. | ||
| The women from Mob Wives. | ||
| Have you ever seen those women? | ||
| No. | ||
| The big one, Big Ang, I just saw her last night when I was scrolling. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Oh my god, they just, she's shooting shit like Jail Sonnen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's just shooting shit constantly. | |
| All those women, those East Coast women, the fake tits, the fat taking off their body, the tightening the legs, the ass implants, you can put implants in your ass. | ||
| By the way, dog, I've been torturing this hooker for about a month. | ||
| What hooker? | ||
| Bobby Slayton style, just torturing her. | ||
| Torturing her. | ||
| Who? | ||
| I went to 7-Eleven one night on Magnolia there, and I come out, and there's a black girl in the Jeep that is banging. | ||
| And she comes out, she goes, are you a stand-up? | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| She goes, I'd really like to get into stand-up. | ||
| I'd like to talk more about it. | ||
| I go, there's an open mic at the Ha Ha. | ||
| Good on this. | ||
| She goes, I've been down there, but the guy's rude to me and all this shit. | ||
| So I go down there like three weeks later and I see you. | ||
| And I'm like, hey man, you been trying this? | ||
| She goes, no, I'm still taking notes. | ||
| I mean, this chick is gorgeous. | ||
| She goes, I'm still taking notes, but you can tell there's something not right, you know, and there's something not right. | ||
| So she's like, you know, I just need somebody to take me under their wing and do it to me and all this stuff. | ||
| Can I give you digits? | ||
| And I'll give you a call. | ||
| And then she started with the calls, you know, how are you? | ||
| I'm like, I'm fine. | ||
| She goes, when can we, I can't, you know, I can't teach you comedy. | ||
| You gotta go out there and do it, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And then finally I would go, well, go here. | ||
| You know, go over there. | ||
| Go to fly. | ||
| I don't know where else to go. | ||
| And I wouldn't talk to her for weeks at a time and she'd call me like, where are you going? | ||
| I'm going to the comedy store. | ||
| Can you talk to them for me? | ||
| I can't get you up at the fucking comedy store. | ||
| And then one day she started talking about how Jeep blew up and she needs $1,000. | ||
| You know, right there, I just started giggling. | ||
| Like, I just knew. | ||
| Now, once they do that, you're intrigued. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| To see where it goes. | ||
| Now you want to talk to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because she's trying to play you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So then finally I got the call one night. | ||
| She's like, are you going to be home in the next 10 minutes? | ||
| Can I call you back? | ||
| I'm busy right now. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I know she's got to be, like, a stripper or something, you know, because she disappears. | ||
| Like, she'll call me, like, at eight and go, are you doing comedy tonight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm doing the spot 11. All right, I'm gonna come see you. | ||
| And then I'll never see you. | ||
| And then she'll call me, like, a week later and go, she always disappears if it's after, like, 10. So she does something. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So finally, she called me one night, and I just, I'm like, I don't even want to talk to this. | ||
| I can't even have fun with her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because she's trying to lie to me. | ||
| At least if she would just tell me she was a hooker, I would torment her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So finally, the clouds parted. | ||
| And she's like, you know, I really need this thousand dollars. | ||
| I really need $2,700. | ||
| I could take $1,000 to help me out, so you need $2,700. | ||
| But I could take $1,000. | ||
| You could take $1,000. | ||
| But I could take $1,000 to help me out. | ||
| Like, you're like, well, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because she's a DJ. Supposedly she's a DJ. She DJs, too. | |
| That's why I don't see her late night, because I'm a DJ, you know. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What do you DJ? Oh, I just do independent parties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What do you make? | ||
| $500 a night. | ||
| Then what the fuck you need $1,000 for? | ||
| Well... | ||
| You know, they want $3,000 for my Jeep and shit. | ||
| So I finally said, this fucking bitch is crazy. | ||
| I'm not going to give her any money. | ||
| So the other night, I pull up at 7-Eleven. | ||
| I'm not going to give her no fucking money, Joe. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| I pull up at 7-Eleven, I see her at the counter, and I'm sitting with Lee. | ||
| And she comes out, and she's like, how come you won't return my calls no more? | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| I go, listen, I've just been busy, you know. | ||
| I'm doing comedy over the valley, down over the hill. | ||
| You're never around. | ||
| I can't help you. | ||
| She's like, you really got to help me with that money. | ||
| Me and Leah Howland, because I told Leah about it. | ||
| Me and Leah Howland. | ||
| She hasn't seen you in a week, and she's running after you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weeks, yeah. | |
| You really got to help me with that money. | ||
| Yeah, you really got to help me with that paper. | ||
| So I said, all right, let me drop Leah home, and I'll call you. | ||
| So I called, and I go, listen, how much do you need? | ||
| She goes, $1,000. | ||
| I go, listen, I'm not just going to give you $1,000. | ||
| She goes, then what do you want to do? | ||
| I go, well, if I give you a thousand bucks, I'm going to put it in every orifice in your fucking body. | ||
| And there was, like, silence, you know? | ||
| I'm not going to fuck this chick, you know? | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| You're just playing. | ||
| I'm just pushing it. | ||
| I hate when women try to play you. | ||
| Like, just tell me you want to suck dick, and I'll give you the genome. | ||
| And she still refuses. | ||
| She's like, I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| I go, listen, if I give you the thousand, I'm going to stick it in your fucking ass. | ||
| I mean, this ain't no game. | ||
| And she's like, okay. | ||
| She said okay? | ||
| She broke. | ||
| She goes, where are we gonna go? | ||
| I'll take her to a hotel, wherever the fuck, you know. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| And I go, meet me on the corner by the gym now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That bitch is still waiting. | |
| She's been calling me since Thursday night, every hour at the hour. | ||
| Where you at, boo? | ||
| Where you at, boo? | ||
| I need that money. | ||
| You gotta help me with that paper. | ||
| I'll go half seats with somebody if you wanna go half seats. | ||
| Nothing bothers me more. | ||
| I want the bottom half, though. | ||
| Nothing bothers me more. | ||
| I gotta tell you something, Brian, she's fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| 7-Eleven corner of what? | ||
| She said she's from Jersey. | ||
| Yeah, we'll talk. | ||
| Magnolia and... | ||
| Dude, you're giving out her spot. | ||
| Come on, Joey. | ||
| You're blowing up her spot. | ||
| She needs $1,000. | ||
| Someone's gonna go down there and go, you know, Joey Diaz been talking shit about you. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| She needs $1,000. | ||
| I ain't gonna give it to her. | ||
| Someone's gonna find her and put a camera in her face. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| There's a black chick for months that's a fucking 10 with a blonde wig. | ||
| That I've seen her walk in that studio. | ||
| In fact, she hangs out outside of Gelson's and waits for old Jewish red, old men. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I've seen her. | ||
| I've parked there. | ||
| My wife has gone to Gelson's. | ||
| I waited outside with the baby and seen her. | ||
| With a blonde wig. | ||
| I've been in that coffee shop, and she walks by, and everybody looks at her. | ||
| She's young. | ||
| She's young, because she came into the coffee shop once, and she started asking us questions about where this at, like, playing us, you know, like, just in case somebody said, you look good. | ||
| Well, I ain't busy right now. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You can tell she's a woman. | ||
| They get away with it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She's a professional. | ||
| A young girl. | ||
| Does it right. | ||
| She doesn't wear the heels. | ||
| She has the backpack. | ||
| You know, she's the real deal. | ||
| I've seen her up and down that fucking thing for months. | ||
| So this girl... | ||
| If you do it right, they, you know, they get away with it. | ||
| With the backpack and no sexy clothing. | ||
| You don't want a blonde wig. | ||
| Black and blonde wig always makes me think transgender. | ||
| Black and blonde? | ||
| Yeah, black... | ||
| What, red- red-headed wig? | ||
| They're good? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the Brian test. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Her hair is bright orange. | ||
| Let's fuck. | ||
| The blonde wig is weird. | ||
| Blonde wig is weird? | ||
| On a black lady. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It just looks kind of like... | ||
| It's odd. | ||
| Disguise-y. | ||
| Well, it's, you know, you should be able to wear whatever the fuck you want to wear, but when I see, like, a Chinese chick with blonde hair, an Asian chick with blonde hair, or a black chick with blonde hair, I'm like, you look good with black hair. | ||
| You don't have to do that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But what difference does it make? | ||
| Eve looks good with blonde hair. | ||
| Who's Eve? | ||
| Eve, the chick from that TV show, The Rapper. | ||
| What TV show is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Eve? | ||
| Jamie, you know what it is. | ||
| What's the name of it? | ||
| It's Eve from like the 90s, early 2000s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's tall. | |
| She's tall. | ||
| She's in barbershop. | ||
| She has blonde hair. | ||
| Not this fucking guy. | ||
| That looks like the old manager from the comedy store. | ||
| Eve is fucking right there. | ||
| But she looks good. | ||
| She's big, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That's a big mama. | ||
| That's a pretty girl. | ||
| Yeah, she's good looking. | ||
| I like her. | ||
| Look at her, yeah. | ||
| She's in barbershop. | ||
| But I think she wears a blonde wig. | ||
| That's her hair, bleached blonde, it looks like. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| No, she's banging, guys, and she's tall. | ||
| Well, so many black chicks wear weaves, you know, which is really strange. | ||
| Like, they wear hair, like, kind of sewn into their hair. | ||
| Have you ever smelled it? | ||
| It smells funny. | ||
| Yeah, it's got oils and stuff. | ||
| Funny, like, Carrot Top, or funny, like, Louis C.K.? Funny, like, gasoline and fucking odors. | ||
| Like, she'll fucking explode if I have a joint next to her ear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha! | |
| I gotta think there'd be some fermenting going on, right? | ||
| And it's hard. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| Like, I... Never mind. | ||
| I can't say that story. | ||
| But you feel the weave when you run your fingers through it? | ||
| Yeah, you can't really. | ||
| It feels like plastic. | ||
| There's a whole bunch of different kinds. | ||
| Like, Tiffany Haddish had one that was, like, plastic, where it felt like... | ||
| It looked like the predator's hair. | ||
| And have you seen Tiffany Haddish's hair lately? | ||
| Now she just has this humongous, like, 70s fro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice! | |
| And every time she's in a picture with somebody, it looks like she's, like, in between two ferns. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Yeah, we know this documentary, Jamie. | ||
| Shut all this shit off. | ||
| So weaves is like what the blonde girl had. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's a weave. | ||
| I'm talking about what black girls had. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weave, too. | ||
| It's a hair weave. | ||
| I was confused. | ||
| We can get a weave. | ||
| Yeah, guys can get weaves. | ||
| Yeah, they just sew your hair onto other hair. | ||
| Like Nicholas Cage in all his movies. | ||
| He gets a fucking weave and everything. | ||
| Well, they also have these wigs that have what, it's like a lace front, so it looks like your skin, like they glue it to your head, and it looks like the hair is coming right out of your skin until you get right up in there, and you're like, What the fuck's going on there? | ||
| Yeah, they don't have that downright either. | ||
| There's that show, Undercover Boss. | ||
| I don't know if you ever see that, where they take a CEO of Boston Market, and then he gets thrown in as a regular employee at one of their stores. | ||
| And it's cool because he catches all the things wrong with his store and people don't know. | ||
| But they always give him, like, the dumbest, like, fake mustache. | ||
| And it looks so fake. | ||
| And, like, all the employees have to be like, all right, what is this? | ||
| Undercover Boss? | ||
| Like, there's something going on here. | ||
| The employees are probably all in on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's probably all horseshit. | ||
| So much of those shows, they're faking, like, what? | ||
| I'm in trouble? | ||
| What? | ||
| Like, so many of them are set up in advance, and especially ones that make people look bad, because you've got to think, like, how much are they going to pay this person to ruin their life? | ||
| What are they going to give you, $1,500? | ||
| Like, what scale on one of those shows? | ||
| They're going to ruin your life, and you agree to this. | ||
| They can't just film you and put you on television. | ||
| Like, you have to sign a waiver. | ||
| Yeah, well, they say how they do that is they say it's a different reality show. | ||
| It's like, this is a reality show about a guy that's, he's a waiter at this table, and we're giving him the opportunity to own his own restaurant. | ||
| So it's like another game show that's not Undercover Boss. | ||
| That's how they sign the papers. | ||
| Oh, so it's deception. | ||
| Yes, deception. | ||
| That seems like they can get sued. | ||
| Well, it's deception by its own company that they work for, so I think it's kind of... | ||
| There's, like, that loophole. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once you cash the check, they ain't no going back. | |
| This poor kid's gonna make him 10 bucks an hour. | ||
| You give him a check for 600 a day. | ||
| Once you cash that check, they ain't no going back, Jack. | ||
| You know, that's... | ||
| There's a lot of those shows now, too. | ||
| It's amazing how easy it is to make one of those shows. | ||
| There's still hidden camera shows. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| My friends still executive produce hidden cameras. | ||
| Well, Howie Mandel has that show, right? | ||
| He has a show where he does hidden camera things, where you make money, the more you get people to do. | ||
| Like, you gotta tell your wife you're leaving her for a man. | ||
| And, you know, like, and you get, like, 500 bucks for that. | ||
| You get more for more things you do. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I did that show for CBS years ago, like six years ago. | ||
| It was called Game Show in My Head. | ||
| And we would put this little earpiece in these people, and then they would go out and we would make them do shit on camera. | ||
| We had this guy... | ||
| We put him in the middle of Hollywood and gave him a suit and put some news cameras, like it was a news camera show, and had these people come over and you had to tell people that you were there to talk to someone who was a witness for a UFO. And they took off and you got to ask these other people, would you pretend it was you? | ||
| Would you pretend that you saw this UFO? And you gotta get them to admit that they were taken aboard the aircraft and that they were probed. | ||
| That they did some medical examinations on them. | ||
| And they got people to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's how I knew that all that... | ||
| That was like a huge eye-opener for me about how full of shit people are when it comes to UFOs. | ||
| Everybody's talking about it. | ||
| Yeah, it came down the field and it wasn't from Earth. | ||
| I've seen a lot of airplanes on TV. It didn't look nothing like that. | ||
| And it was spinning around in a circle and there was no doors. | ||
| And I saw these little... | ||
| Those people are full of shit. | ||
| There's a giant percentage of those people. | ||
| You put a camera in front of their face, and they just start talking. | ||
| And we didn't have no problem. | ||
| We got like seven people to just, right away, to just start making shit up, right off the top of their head. | ||
| All of them did it. | ||
| No one said no. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| And we all, everyone that did that show with me, we all left it and we were like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Like, everybody just lied. | ||
| Like, at least I expected a few people to be like, what? | ||
| You want me to make up a story about being taken aboard a UFO? Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's the reality show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just to play Martians. | ||
| Get, like, a fake rocket ship and just go to places like at one in the morning, like, landing. | ||
| We're here, bitches! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See all these motherfuckers that wanted to see Martians all these fucking years run down that street like it's King fucking Kong. | ||
| They would start shooting, yeah, like that. | ||
| Yeah, in today's world, they would start shooting. | ||
| Too many people have guns. | ||
| Yeah, in today's world, people would shoot one of those fucking... | ||
| How about in the fucking 90s? | ||
| They would have shot UFOs. | ||
| They would shoot UFOs. | ||
| Any time someone's had a gun, They're willing to shoot, like, a UFO if it lands. | ||
| Like, the odds of... | ||
| If you get 1,000 people with guns, and a UFO lands in front of them, 500 people are pulling that fucking trigger. | ||
| Now, let me ask you this. | ||
| You're an intelligent guy. | ||
| When you have a UFO landing, and you have 10 people that concur, they saw the same thing, or they saw something, what is that? | ||
| When I go from door to fucking door and pay people, I mean, what the fuck? | ||
| It could be a bunch of things. | ||
| The thing is, it could be from another planet. | ||
| It could be. | ||
| If it's possible for us to put a rover on Mars, it's possible for them to send a ship from another galaxy. | ||
| Of course it's possible. | ||
| Not only that, we assume that these aliens, that everybody keeps seeing these gray aliens with the big black eyes, we assume that they're living beings. | ||
| They could easily be robots. | ||
| If we're this close to To crossing that uncanny valley and making some sort of an artificial computer generated image. | ||
| If the technology continues to accelerate to the point where you can actually get a ship to go through a fucking wormhole, the real impeding factor, I would think, would be biological life. | ||
| Like, why send something living when you can make something artificial? | ||
| They're so close to being able to make artificial life. | ||
| And when I say so close, within 100 years? | ||
| I mean, I don't think anybody disputes that. | ||
| They'll have some form of artificial life within 100 years. | ||
| A robot with skin that looks like us? | ||
| Now go in the future. | ||
| Let's... | ||
| The Earth is for... | ||
| Something billion years old, but we're not the oldest planet. | ||
| We're not in the oldest galaxy. | ||
| Like, not even close. | ||
| Like, the universe is 14 billion years old, supposedly. | ||
| So that means an extra 10 billion years for things to form and possibly grow. | ||
| Even at one billion years, even a million years. | ||
| Who the fuck knows what we could do in a million years? | ||
| So if these UFOs show up and these little aliens are inside of it, they're probably robots. | ||
| I would assume that unless they figure out some incredible way to bypass space and time and to fold space and create a wormhole and punch through like they did in Event Horizon and all these physics documentaries where they talk about the possibility of using wormholes, it's all crazy theoretical shit. | ||
| But until they figure out how to do that and send, like, monkeys back and forth for a few years, they're not... | ||
| I mean, why wouldn't they just send robots? | ||
| Just like we're sending a robot to Mars. | ||
| I mean, it looks like a toaster and it's got wheels and it's rolling around, but it's a robot. | ||
| If we sent a robot that looked like Tracy Lords and it was walking around on Mars, I mean, that would be what it looked like. | ||
| You know, it just so happens that we sent one that looks like a toaster. | ||
| But it doesn't. | ||
| A thousand years from now, we could send whatever the fuck we want. | ||
| We could send Bob Costas to the moon. | ||
| You know, Bob Costas, robot Bob Costas would be reporting from the surface and the fucking moon. | ||
| You know, I've never been a big Martian guy. | ||
| And I always... | ||
| And I always thought that fucking... | ||
| You know, you always think that the high population of areas are Area 51 and maybe in the south. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, you just write it off. | ||
| But it isn't. | ||
| The high populations of Martian sightings and UFOs is where I grew up. | ||
| It's northern New Jersey. | ||
| I fucking couldn't believe it. | ||
| Well, you know why? | ||
| This is the conspiracy theory. | ||
| Do you know the conspiracy theory? | ||
| Why? | ||
| That's where Bell Laboratories are. | ||
| In Jersey? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The big conspiracy. | ||
| This is the big conspiracy. | ||
| This goes back way back. | ||
| There was a company on the internet, I don't know if you remember it, called the American Computer Company. | ||
| And they had this website. | ||
| They made computers. | ||
| It was back in the day where you'd call up or you would fill out, like, specs. | ||
| Like, you know, hey, I want a 300 Celeron processor and this and that. | ||
| And they would put together a computer for you. | ||
| But they also had this website page that was dedicated to conspiracies about the creation of the The, was it the transistor? | ||
| The stereo. | ||
| Bell Laboratories invented the stereo. | ||
| Yeah, there was certain aspects of sound and electronics that were invented in Bell Laboratories. | ||
| And this website supposedly pulls, this is the big conspiracy, pulls the cover over the creation of these things and says all this shit came out of Area 51 from some shit that crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. | ||
| It was all about the Roswell, New Mexico crash. | ||
| They took all those, whatever those parts of those UFOs were and back-engineered them. | ||
| And that's how they created all this stuff. | ||
| And this website was totally dedicated to it. | ||
| It was talking about how there's a military base that's outside of Bell Labs that they said was to protect New York City. | ||
| They're like, why would you protect New York City from way the fuck out there? | ||
| You wouldn't. | ||
| It would take way too long for everything to coordinate. | ||
| But it's right next to Bell Labs. | ||
| And during the military days of, I guess this is like, Bell Labs was probably created post-World War II, I think. | ||
| So you've got to think, there's the Cold War days and the Russians and there's all this, the technological races to try to get to the moon I mean, we were racing with the Russians virtually everything. | ||
| Nuclear power, nuclear weapons, space travel. | ||
| And so this Bell Labs apparently played a very vital role in, you know, United States strategic technology advancement, like, for whatever it was. | ||
| But this American computer company was convinced that all this shit came from UFOs, from the crash saucer in Roswell, and they back-engineered it. | ||
| There's a lot of people that believe that. | ||
| Northern New Jersey is like the capital, if you look at fucking sightings. | ||
| It's not Roswell. | ||
| It's Northern New Jersey. | ||
| That's fucking Karlstadt all the way to fucking, like, Bergen County. | ||
| Well, it could also be the air quality in New Jersey is so fucking bad that people are just delirious all the time. | ||
| They're living in those swamp towns. | ||
| But there's one story that came in North Bergen, and this is the part of town where it's fucking uppity. | ||
| And they interviewed all these people. | ||
| And I stayed up one night and looked at it. | ||
| There's a tape on YouTube. | ||
| There's a video on YouTube. | ||
| They show where the thing landed on the baseball diamond and all this shit. | ||
| But then they went to all those business owners. | ||
| And whenever you see... | ||
| Last night I was watching something. | ||
| They showed a view of New York. | ||
| There's a circular building. | ||
| That's the building that complained the most. | ||
| That they saw the lights, people landing, taking samples of dirt out. | ||
| I mean, it could have been anybody fucking with them. | ||
| but not all these people in conjunction. | ||
| All right, the liquor store owner, maybe he had a couple cocktails, but all these people in the building saw the lights, the flashing, they heard the landing, they heard the booms. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's crazy. | |
| Maybe all those broads were just seeing stars. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, stupid. | |
| He mocks his own line. | ||
| Meanwhile, you thought about that before you said it. | ||
| You're like, this is the shit. | ||
| Well, you kept on saying that they saw lights and they were talking about jerseys, so whatever. | ||
| You know what I think? | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| Don't even explain it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| You know what I think, too? | ||
| The CIA came out with this report recently about how many of the UFO sightings that people saw was actually experimental aircraft that they were working on. | ||
| And that was real recent. | ||
| Like, they admitted this kind of stuff. | ||
| But then you also have, like, remote control drones. | ||
| I mean, they've had that kind of technology, like radio control technology. | ||
| They've had that for a long time. | ||
| And they've been able to do things not, like, quite to the level that they can do them now, but they've been able to do things. | ||
| Like, they used to have drone airliners. | ||
| They could send an airliner with no people on it. | ||
| They were going to use that. | ||
| That was part of Operation Northwoods. | ||
| They were going to blow it up. | ||
| They can't land them. | ||
| They couldn't land them in, like, 1962. But they could launch them. | ||
| So what they were gonna do is they were gonna have this plane take off, and they were gonna say all these people were in it, and they were gonna blow it up in the sky. | ||
| And they were gonna blame it on Cuba. | ||
| And that was gonna be what led us to go to war with Cuba. | ||
| Because that was when, like, the Russians were trying to put military bases there, and they were gonna have missiles pointed at the U.S. from right over there. | ||
| That was the Bay of Pigs and all that shit. | ||
| Like, it got real hot and heavy. | ||
| There was this, like, real showdown between the United States and Russia. | ||
| Over Cuba and over them having missiles in Cuba. | ||
| And one of the things that we're going to do, they're going to arm Cuban friendlies. | ||
| They're going to give, like, people that they had good relationships with, they're going to give them arms and have them attack Guantanamo Bay, because we have a military base in Cuba. | ||
| And this blowing up this airliner was a big part of their thing. | ||
| Like, everyone's going to make up a bunch of fake people, and they're all missing, and have actors play their parents crying on TV, all that kind of shit. | ||
| But they had the capability in 1962 to shoot a plane up. | ||
| They couldn't land it, like I said, but they could definitely fly that fucking thing. | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| So you gotta think, how many, like, remote-controlled, like, saucers did they have? | ||
| How many remote-controlled... | ||
| I mean, some of the drones that they have now, they look completely alien. | ||
| Well, this is early 70s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is when the Martians landed in Hudson County Park. | ||
| Or mid-70s when they landed, so... | ||
| But since then, it's... | ||
| There's a ton of fucking spots, and people spotting those things in northern New Jersey. | ||
| Yeah, CIA admits most UFO sightings in the 1950s and the 60s were our planes. | ||
| Yeah, they have all these crazy jets apparently they're working on. | ||
| It was confirming in a report that the U-2 spy planes and test flights over the U.S. coincided with a lot of the UFO sightings. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, think about that fucking... | ||
| Have you ever seen one of those stealth bombers in real life? | ||
| You ever seen one flying overhead? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, it looks like you're in a science fiction movie. | ||
| It's like some War of the Worlds, Star Trek type shit. | ||
| We were in Palmdale and we were doing Fear Factor and we saw several of them because Fear Factor started post 9-11. | ||
| So it was like right after 9-11. | ||
| It was actually one of the things that people were saying. | ||
| One of the dumbass fucking reporter questions that I got when I was doing press for Fear Factor. | ||
| This lady goes, don't you think that it's in poor taste to have a show that concentrates on fear Right after 9-11. | ||
|
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Wow. | |
| You fucking idiot. | ||
| They're gonna jump off a bridge with a bungee cord and eat an eyeball. | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| It's like the terrorists won. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| The terrorists won. | ||
| But my point being that when those things flew by, we were out there in Palmdale, and those things flew by because it was a lot of military activity. | ||
| It was right when the war was about to start. | ||
| They looked like they were from another planet, man. | ||
| I know they weren't. | ||
| I know where they were going. | ||
| They were going to Edwards Air Force Base. | ||
| It's right out there. | ||
| Didn't matter. | ||
| When you see them, you're like, oh, my God, those are aliens. | ||
| It feels like they're aliens. | ||
| You see that black fucking thing? | ||
| The sound, I bet. | ||
| Dude, they're fast as shit. | ||
| And they look, they don't look like any plane you've ever seen before. | ||
| They look like spaceships. | ||
| It looks like a scene in Star Wars where you have some sort of a starport and then, you know, in the background all these planes are landing and taking off into space. | ||
| That's what we all thought we would be seeing by now anyway, right? | ||
| We would all... | ||
| If you were a kid and you said, hey, Joey, what do you think it's gonna be like in 2015? | ||
| You'd be like, oh, fucking space travel, for sure, right? | ||
| Everybody thought we'd have bases on the moon by now. | ||
| Everybody thought we'd be flying around in jets. | ||
| Everybody would be going all over the place. | ||
| Hover cars, back to the future. | ||
| This was the year that 2015 was back to the future, too, when he comes in and there's all the cars flying around. | ||
| We had hoverboards. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No flying cars. | ||
| The flying cars they do have will fucking kill you. | ||
| Actually, there's one that's supposed to be pretty good. | ||
| There's a couple different guys who've made flying cars, but one of them has, like, these folding wings, and you drive around like this, and then when you take off, the thing goes clink, clink, and the wings come down, and you fly. | ||
| Like, so you're driving around with the wings up, and you can drive around town like a normal, you know, as good as, like, a Prius or something, and then when you want to, you lower the wings down. | ||
| Say, fuck, 405 got traffic. | ||
| Pick this motherfucker up right here. | ||
| I would need a large parachute on that fucking thing. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| There's going to be drunk drivers in the sky now. | ||
| Everyone's houses will have, like, a car in it at one point. | ||
| I think once they figure out, like, Google Drive, you know, like Google's driving cars, and they figure out how to keep cars in their lanes and have them avoid each other, like, no matter what, they can't collide. | ||
| Once that technology becomes, like, standard, then I think you might be able to have some sort of a flying vehicle. | ||
| But until they do, you're gonna have people... | ||
| Like, you ever watch people in, like, little private planes just fly around? | ||
| They just fucking fly around. | ||
| I went with Phil Hartman. | ||
| He took me up to look at real estate, and we got in one of his... | ||
| He had a little single-engine plane, and we took this plane up into the sky, and we just flew... | ||
| He went wherever he wanted to. | ||
| Like, I'll show you where Malibu is. | ||
| He doesn't have to call somebody and say, hey, I'm gonna fly over by Malibu. | ||
| Is that cool? | ||
| No, he just does it. | ||
| And they hit each other sometimes. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| One just crashed on Van Nuys the other day. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| The only reason why more don't is because there are not more people flying. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Did you watch people fucking spin out like retards in this rain? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You saw them? | ||
| So many people, yeah. | ||
| I saw so many people crash in the rain. | ||
| They just forgot how to drive in the rain. | ||
| Yeah, I got some good videos. | ||
| I have that dashboard camera now, so everywhere I go, it records HD video, and every night during the rainstorm, just pull out, save it to computer. | ||
| There's just tons of clips of people, like, running red lights, almost hitting other cars. | ||
| They don't know how to stop. | ||
| They don't know how to slow down. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| California, we get rain maybe ten times a year on a crazy year. | ||
| People don't believe that, but that is real, right? | ||
| I mean, last year, did we get rain three times last year? | ||
| Was it even three times? | ||
| Probably wasn't, right? | ||
| They say we need 11 trillion gallons of water to even out what we've lost in this three-year drought. | ||
| We're still in a bad drought, right? | ||
| Like, none of that rain did anything, right? | ||
| I mean, it's better than no rain, but we need 11 trillion gallons. | ||
| Up north, they're taking the water out of the ground. | ||
| Recycling it and using it again on all the vegetation that's up north, you know, Bakersfield, all those little towns that have, that live off cherries or whatever the fuck they live off, strawberries and shit. | ||
| Yeah, like the agricultural towns, right? | ||
| I just watched it up 60 Minutes a couple weeks ago was on. | ||
| New company, they're busy till fucking 2020. Are they making wells? | ||
| Is that what they're doing? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| They come up and pull the fucking water from all the deepest parts of the earth and they recycle it and use it again. | ||
| It's not a well? | ||
| No. | ||
| They go deep. | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| It was just on 60 Minutes maybe three weeks ago. | ||
| Really interesting shit. | ||
| I'm amazed that no one's figured out a way to take salt out of water. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They have. | ||
| They have. | ||
| But it's not commercially effective. | ||
| Sewer water. | ||
| They have the new one with sewer water and they have the people drinking it. | ||
| Right from the fucking sewer. | ||
| And people drinking water that look like this, dog. | ||
| Right from the sewer. | ||
| Already with shit. | ||
| Yeah, Bill Gates had... | ||
| Syringes. | ||
| Condoms, pills, fucking old sneakers, and you're there drinking it like a fucking mojito. | ||
| And you pay for it. | ||
| And you pay for it, but it's a new machine, and it's tremendous. | ||
| Do you think in the future we're gonna have our own water? | ||
| Like, the water's gonna be so, you know, bad that we have our own, like, I don't know, 20 gallons supply of water that we can use to cook, wash ourselves, then we pee it out, Clean it, but it's our personal water. | ||
| You have to keep your own water. | ||
| That's totally possible. | ||
| It actually might not be the worst idea. | ||
| I would be happier drinking my piss water than someone else's piss water. | ||
| You could hack it. | ||
| Would you use your girlfriend's water? | ||
| You and your loved one would switch waters? | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| All of your water came out of someone's dick. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Dinosaur balls. | ||
| If you think about it, some animal most likely pissed away some water and it evaporated, came down as rain. | ||
| It can kill water. | ||
| Yeah, I think the amount of water we have is finite. | ||
| Even though we're like, oh, we're running out of water, I think the water's going somewhere. | ||
| I mean, it's still in Earth. | ||
| It's like, you might not be able to get to it. | ||
| It might be pouring in Seattle, or it might be... | ||
| But it's all just water. | ||
| Like, somehow or another, it gets reused, it evaporates, it comes down again. | ||
| It's all kind of contained in this crazy ball. | ||
| And they say that a lot of the water that we drink, you know, it's very likely some of it passed through an animal's body. | ||
| And was pissed out and was filtered down through, like, a stream. | ||
| Like, have you ever, like, seen a creek where you have, like, crystal clear spring water that's coming down from a glacier? | ||
| Like, that is a woolly mammoth dick pissed out some of this water, and that water, like, seeped into the earth or gets sucked up in moisture. | ||
| It's very possible that a lot of this stuff actually came from animals' dicks. | ||
| So if we get to a point where we're so good at recycling water that you know when you're getting water, even though it was poopy water or piss water or whatever, there's nothing in there but water. | ||
| It's absolutely clear, pure water. | ||
| And spirits. | ||
| And spirits? | ||
| The spirits of your farts? | ||
| It collects the spirits of the past. | ||
| You can't get the spirits. | ||
| Like, imagine if they drained the Hudson River. | ||
| And use that water. | ||
| How many bodies are in that water? | ||
| How many people went over the bridge and threw a bag of blowover? | ||
| Or a hooker's finger, or a hooker, or condoms in that river? | ||
| They're gonna fucking, eventually, they're gonna clean it out with that machine. | ||
| They got a bunch of little machines. | ||
| It purifies it, the whole thing, man. | ||
| Don't they already do that with a lot of water? | ||
| They take sewage treatment, and they treat the water, and then they put it right back into the supply? | ||
| That's what they do right now. | ||
| That's, you know, our waters, or that drainage, the LA River or whatever, that all gets clean and put back into the faucets. | ||
| Do you guys even drink faucet water anymore, though? | ||
| I was thinking about this the other day. | ||
| I won't touch my water. | ||
| Right, but don't you cook with it? | ||
| That's an issue. | ||
| We all cook with faucet water. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't use my kitchen. | ||
| I just eat out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But yeah, I guess I do cook with it. | ||
| What if you make tea or coffee? | ||
| No, I have arrowheads. | ||
| People like to be bohemian and use that city water. | ||
| I was watching some news show the other day, I forget what town I'm in, but it was showing, I think it was San Francisco, they were showing all these different blocks where you couldn't drink the water right now. | ||
| Like, there was this whole area where they're saying, don't drink the water if you live on these streets. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Like, I have to just be on Twitter or I have to be paying attention to the news to know this? | ||
| What if I'm a guy that just likes to read newspapers and sit at home for a few days and I'm drinking the water? | ||
| Are you knocking on my door? | ||
| Are you telling people? | ||
| Are you assuming they have Facebook? | ||
| You're just gonna make them drink this fucking shit water? | ||
| They should have stormtroopers knock on everybody's door. | ||
| Don't drink the water! | ||
| But they don't. | ||
| I have hard water. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Because, like, if I wash my car, my car will be white when it dries. | ||
| Minerals. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is that really bad for you or really good? | ||
| Seems like it would be good for you. | ||
| I think some trace minerals are good for you, but I don't know if, like, that quantity of minerals is good for you. | ||
| Like, hard water. | ||
| It's really hard water. | ||
| But they say that that's one of the things that is bad for people when you have distilled water. | ||
| As you drink distilled water, it doesn't have any minerals in it. | ||
| Like, you can actually kind of fuck your body up if you only drink distilled water. | ||
| Like, distilled water is something that wrestlers take a lot of times before they cut weight, because when you drink it, it flushes all your system out, it flushes all the minerals in your... | ||
| But a lot of people are saying, like, I don't think Dolce fucks with that stuff. | ||
| I think a lot of guys are saying, like, that is not good for you. | ||
| Like, you need those. | ||
| Like, those elements of the water, the minerals, it might make it easier to dehydrate yourself that way, but it's not good. | ||
| Like, I think all that shit in water is actually probably good for you. | ||
| I'm laughing because my old coke dealer used to drink distilled water. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's all fucked up now. | ||
| Potential health impacts of hard water. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
| This is a PubMed study. | ||
| So it says, in the past five decades or so, evidence has been accumulating about an environmental factor which appears to be influencing mortality, in particular, cardiovascular mortality, and this is the hardness of the drink in water. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| In addition, several epidemiological investigations have demonstrated the relation between risk for cardiovascular disease, growth retardation, reproductive failure, and other health problems, and the hardness of drinking water or its content of magnesium and and the hardness of drinking water or its content of magnesium Which is weird because magnesium and calcium are things that people take as supplements. | ||
| There's such a fucking balance to being a person. | ||
| If you drink a pound of salt, you're dead. | ||
| That's fucked. | ||
| In addition, the acidity of the water influences the reabsorption of calcium and magnesium in the renal tube. | ||
| Tubule. | ||
| I don't know what that is, but it's not good. | ||
| Not only calcium and magnesium, but other constituents also affect different health aspects. | ||
| Thus, the present review attempts to explore the health effects of hard water and its constituents. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy, man. | ||
| Alzheimer's disease is linked to Alzheimer's disease, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and cancer. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It's all of them. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| Hard water's fucking terrible for you. | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| That's weird, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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Shit. | |
| Well, the only thing I use it for is really just taking a shower. | ||
| So hopefully that doesn't... | ||
| But is that bad for you? | ||
| Because I know that, like, you absorb magnesium through your skin. | ||
| It's one of the benefits, actually, of, like, flotation tanks. | ||
| They absorb magnesium through your skin. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Yeah, but maybe they need to do studies on that. | ||
| Maybe it's not good to absorb too much magnesium through your skin. | ||
| I know you're taking magnesium, though, is like, especially for men, very beneficial. | ||
| There's correlations between magnesium and testosterone and zinc, zinc and testosterone as well. | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| Oh, so it's a ratio of magnesium and calcium in the water. | ||
| It's a crucial factor indicating the hardness. | ||
| So I guess it's just like when shit gets really wacky. | ||
| There's concentrations of dissolved calcium and magnesium in soft and hard water. | ||
| You're dealing with like hard numbers, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird because, like, minerals are really good for you. | ||
| It's important. | ||
| Like, if you don't have minerals, that's where osteoporosis comes from, you lack of calcium, your body starts drawing calcium out of your bones. | ||
| Like, one of the best ways to prevent it, you take calcium. | ||
| But they also say that a lot of our farmlands, like the vegetables that we're getting and the plants that we eat, a lot of them are nutrient deficient because a lot of the farmlands, they've been growing shit on them for so long, they kind of sucked all the good stuff out of the ground. | ||
| It's dead dirt. | ||
| Like the cigars in Cuba, they say. | ||
| They're not that good no more. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's what some of the old-time Cubans said. | ||
| The fucking ground has been, you know, how many fucking leaflets can you get out of there since 1940? | ||
|
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They have to do a really good job of protecting the dirt. | |
| You got to use mulch, you know, you got to use compost, you got to like replenish manure. | ||
| Yeah, and also compost is big too. | ||
| Replenishing the nutrients. | ||
| Like, that's the thing about dirt is it's... | ||
| You look at soil, you think of it as dirt, but it's alive. | ||
| There's all sorts of shit in there. | ||
| There's not just minerals, there's organisms and worms and bugs. | ||
| You need worms. | ||
| Worms are great. | ||
| People add worms to their garden. | ||
| You want them all living in there. | ||
| You know, you want all that salt. | ||
| You want worm shit. | ||
| You want worms to shit. | ||
| You want them to eat the dirt and shit. | ||
| It makes it all nice, easy to grow in. | ||
| Like those mushrooms I ate in Vegas with Ari and those guys. | ||
| Those fucking things were good, Jack. | ||
| Joey was up till five o'clock in the morning. | ||
| You never see Joey up till five in the morning. | ||
| I didn't sleep. | ||
| You didn't sleep? | ||
| I went right to the airport. | ||
| Got the fuck out of that seven-something. | ||
| Didn't sleep till like two that afternoon. | ||
| Good visuals. | ||
| Those days are over with you gotta go deep deep deep to see visual Body music I just giggled I just giggled my ass off. | ||
| It was tremendous. | ||
| What is Vegas like on mushrooms? | ||
| Like, what is the experience of the craziness of Vegas? | ||
| I didn't really... | ||
| We went and did the show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I walk off stage and I had a fucking handful. | ||
| I ate them and that was my Vegas. | ||
| Yeah, but then we went out and we had some dinner. | ||
| Yeah, but we didn't really walk and talk to fucking crazy people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I mean, Duncan had that fucking meth guy. | ||
| After the show that was telling him about, you know, the coming of fucking Satan and all that stuff. | ||
| Duncan was giving him his email address. | ||
| Hey, contact me, man! | ||
| That's the, you know, the mushrooms, when you go out in public, any of those drugs, it becomes something else. | ||
| It really enhances, you know, there's a couple different mushrooms you could take. | ||
| I mean, for trips, you know, you could take the mushroom at home and become very, uh, whatever that word is, into yourself from writing. | ||
| Or you can take mushrooms and leave and go for a fucking complete different odyssey. | ||
| That's an odyssey. | ||
| When you go out with like four friends, and you're each fucked up, and you have to be tight with those four friends. | ||
| So I don't have to look at you. | ||
| We don't have to communicate. | ||
| All I have to do is look at you. | ||
| And I can send you the fucking mushroom telepathically. | ||
| We know. | ||
| We'll lose each other in a bar, and every couple of hours, we'll just look at each other. | ||
| And next, we'll know. | ||
| You know what's going on by that look. | ||
| Like, and your own body will tell you. | ||
| Like, you'll be drinking, giggling, all of a sudden, something. | ||
| Where's Joe? | ||
| And you'll look at that same time, and we'll look at each other and go, And you go back. | ||
| That's the fun of it. | ||
| It's that certain connection with your friends. | ||
| With me, I didn't grow up on mushrooms. | ||
| I was more of a micro dot acid guy growing up. | ||
| All those type of hallucinogenics, which were basically fucking poison. | ||
| But I had the same experience as my friends. | ||
| We'd go into large venues, concerts. | ||
| We all didn't sit together, but we'd always find each other. | ||
| Duncan told me he took that kind of acid that has formaldehyde and a blotter acid on paper. | ||
| He said he's been taking pure stuff for a while, and he took this stuff, and he was like, it's so disgusting. | ||
| He was like, it hurt my bones. | ||
| Strychnine. | ||
| Strychnine, the rat poison. | ||
| Yeah, that's been around, you know. | ||
| Why does it have strychnine? | ||
| Well, that's all part of the process. | ||
| Like, when you smoke crack, there's fucking turpentine in there. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But acid's supposed to be just LSD. Stick to the paper, supposedly. | ||
| We were told it was to stick it to the paper. | ||
| It really is trichnine? | ||
| Is that a Snopes thing? | ||
| It might have been a Snopes thing. | ||
| I do know that when I used to have it in my vials and, like, sell it, and I'd just be like, you got a sugar cube, and I'd just drop a little drop on the sugar cube. | ||
| That never had the back Or the bone problems, you know, with the liquid acid. | ||
| And the micro dots didn't either, because those were like those little black ones that pretty much just had a bubble of acid. | ||
| Right, a bubble of acid. | ||
| The liquid always worked for me. | ||
| The liquid in the sugar cube or in the eye, right in the eyeball. | ||
| I never did the eye. | ||
| That would fuck me up. | ||
| I was very fortunate. | ||
| I got to meet these guys when I was growing up. | ||
| They were hallucinogenic experts. | ||
| You know, that's what they did. | ||
| They made that shit on the weekends. | ||
| All week long. | ||
| And they pumped it out to college kids, but they pumped out, you know, grocers. | ||
| They would sell you 144 hits, you know. | ||
| And that's all they did. | ||
| And they made 10,000 fucking hits of everything a week. | ||
| And every time you went up there on Saturday, they had something different. | ||
| Yes, okay. | ||
| Anti-drug educators frequently tell their students that some variant of the theme of inevitable strychnine poisoning through LSD use. | ||
| For example, that strychnine is commonly sold as a cheaper substitute for LSD by unscrupulous drug dealers, that strychnine is a byproduct of LSD synthesis, that the body produces strychnine as a result of LSD metabolism, or that strychnine is used as a preservative Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| to be propagated by drug users themselves. | ||
| In reality, most hallucinogens cause some degree of mental or physical discomfort after the trip is over. | ||
| This is an indirect effect of the drug, not strychnine or any other adulterant. | ||
| Oh, there we go. | ||
| They used to always also say that the old, which always seemed fake, like, ooh, so much strychnine on that, that it collects in your back, and if you ever get in a car accident and hit that part in your back, you're going to trip forever. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've heard that. | |
| It's so stupid. | ||
| Yeah, man, LSD stores in your fingernails, and you note how your fingernails constantly grow. | ||
| That means you'll constantly be tripping. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then my voice. | ||
| I hate that guy. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| I met that guy last night. | ||
| It was one of them. | ||
| Same guy. | ||
| I'm doing a documentary. | ||
| I'd love to have you involved to raise consciousness and expand consciousness sort of in an overall sense of consciousness. | ||
| It's basically like the vibe I'm on right now is I don't even care about money. | ||
| I'm just all about spreading peace and consciousness. | ||
| It's so funny, those guys that you meet, that follow you, that are fans of you, but the other day, there was a few of them, and we would play this game where one would come up to us and start talking. | ||
| You don't want to give up the ghost. | ||
| No, but Christina Piszczycki was there, and he starts talking to me and Christina. | ||
| Christina said something to him, and the next thing she knows, she looks over, and I'm gone, you know, because I'm just kind of like, Hot potato, you pass off the crazy person, too. | ||
| It's one thing I'm not enjoying about being at the Comedy Store is how many people are pitching me ideas. | ||
| You can't just hang out there. | ||
| Four guys pitched me ideas last night. | ||
| Came up to me, hey man, I came here to talk to you about this project I'm doing. | ||
| One guy was the history of the fart joke. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| He's doing a documentary on the history of the fart joke. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah. | ||
| And this is true. | ||
| I have no time for anything. | ||
| I have no time for other stuff. | ||
| I have exactly the amount of time for the stuff that I'm doing right now. | ||
| And anybody that comes up to me, hey, can you do this? | ||
| Can you do my podcast? | ||
| I literally don't have the time. | ||
| It's not available. | ||
| So I can't do it. | ||
| And so the guy goes, well, can I go through proper channels? | ||
| What? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I just said no. | ||
| Like, I don't want to do a history of the fart joke documentary. | ||
| There's no proper channel. | ||
| Like, good luck. | ||
| Maybe it'll be great. | ||
| I mean, look, who knew that a documentary on corn would be great? | ||
| You could have an awesome documentary on the history of the fart joke. | ||
| I just don't have the time. | ||
| Was he like, whatever, dude. | ||
| He just blows a fart on you and then walks away? | ||
| Well, here's a joke. | ||
| You pull my finger. | ||
| It was a good guy. | ||
| He wasn't a bad guy. | ||
| He was really cool about it in comparison to how many other different people have come by with ridiculous ideas where they weren't cool about it. | ||
| I had to tell a guy last night, I'm like, dude, you've got to stop pitching me. | ||
| I'm not pitching you. | ||
| I go, yes, you are. | ||
| I go, I'm trying to have this conversation with Ari. | ||
| You've sandwiched yourself in between us and you're telling me about this movie you're doing or this thing you're doing. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| You can't hang out there. | ||
| I don't get those. | ||
| I get none of the business propositions. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You need to move to Denver with Rogan and open up a weed store and when people come, you pick them up at the airport and do a tour of the city and donate half your money to the charity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And I told the guy, listen, I live in L.A. You do know that. | ||
| I live in LA. I can't help you. | ||
| Well, that means you really don't want to spread. | ||
| Listen, I really don't give a fuck. | ||
| Who does? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I really don't give a fuck. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| You want to smoke dope? | ||
| Smoke dope. | ||
| You don't want to smoke dope. | ||
| I'm not taking you around. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here! | ||
| I never believed in none of that shit anyway. | ||
| I never bought High Times in my life. | ||
| I just smoke dope. | ||
| I don't look at buds. | ||
| I don't have pictures of buds. | ||
| You don't see me with no t-shirt with weed on my shirt. | ||
| I just smoke motherfucking dope. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I don't know nothing else. | ||
| I don't know nothing. | ||
| I don't know about consciousness. | ||
| I don't know about fucking, you know, the Lord. | ||
| I don't know nothing. | ||
| Roll it up or shut your fucking mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| It's that fucking easy. | ||
| I don't want to hear about nothing. | ||
| Nobody gets that shit. | ||
| You go to a town now, you get 19 people wanting to do a podcast. | ||
| I don't have the fucking time. | ||
| And they want you to jump in that car. | ||
| I don't even fucking know you. | ||
| I don't even fucking know you. | ||
| I'll take you. | ||
| It's 20 minutes away. | ||
| 20 minutes in your fucking world. | ||
| That's 40 minutes in my fucking world. | ||
| When I go to a town, I don't want to do dick. | ||
| Once I get on that plan to go to anywhere the fuck I go, I don't want to do dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to do the radio that they have for me, and that's it. | ||
| I've already done my podcast for the week. | ||
| I've done everything. | ||
| I go in and fucking get a computer. | ||
| I got that little, what's that new thing? | ||
| The substance. | ||
| I don't even know what the fuck it is. | ||
| Surface. | ||
| Surface. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| You got that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got one of those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Little windows? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Perfect for me. | ||
| Nobody bothers me. | ||
| I go to my room, I watch all this shit that I can't watch at home because there's a baby around and a wife asking you questions about the hemisphere when you're in the middle of writing fucking something, you know? | ||
| But you can't say no to the kid because they don't get what the fuck. | ||
| They don't get a joke. | ||
| They don't get nothing. | ||
| You got to stop what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| She runs into the computer room and jumps on my lap. | ||
| That's the end of the computer. | ||
| It's YouTube and I got to watch fucking something about the window or what's raining or something about animals. | ||
| And I love it. | ||
| But that's just how it goes. | ||
| So when I go to a town, it's to fucking sit down and write a few jokes and fucking focus on the act for tonight and tomorrow night. | ||
| I don't want to fucking drive 40 minutes that you tell me. | ||
| Then they want to stop and introduce you to their uncle, who's a fan of the Longest Yard. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, all right? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| On the way. | ||
| I don't want to do nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On the way, yeah. | |
| Well, I guess you just don't care about spreading the message. | ||
| The message is suck my dick. | ||
| That's the fucking message, huh? | ||
| Yeah, what about the cause, man? | ||
| Is it all just about sucking your dick? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| At the end of the fucking week, yes it is. | ||
| I don't even want a blowjob. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't even want a blowjob. | ||
| I just want to smoke dope and be fucking left alone. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| They do, they have been coming out to the Comedy Store full force. | ||
| Full force? | ||
| There's swarms of them. | ||
| Every show I've done in the past three weeks, I've been hit up for something. | ||
| They don't bother me. | ||
| They just, you know, I love talking to those people. | ||
| I don't mind talking to people. | ||
| That's not the problem. | ||
| It's the people that are pitching shit. | ||
| Just regular folks who want to come by and say, what's up? | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| You have great conversations with some of those people. | ||
| It's the people that, like, interrupt other conversations, just sandwich themselves in, and, gay, I've got to talk to you about this movie. | ||
| We're about to jump off. | ||
| Seth Rogen's involved. | ||
| It's very big. | ||
| It's going to be huge. | ||
| I've got a lot of Bobcat Goldthwait. | ||
| We're in negotiation. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please. | |
| I had a guy show up with a camera. | ||
| A camera? | ||
| Like a film camera? | ||
| Kissed me, took a picture, cool, and then goes, do you mind saying something about my... | ||
| TV show, my web series. | ||
| And I'm like, I've never watched it. | ||
| I don't even know what you thought. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It just... | ||
| And all of a sudden, he's like... | ||
| And they fucking jumped the thing. | ||
| They were in that car on the side going down a hill at the store. | ||
| Like, they went up the hotel ramp and turned around. | ||
| They were waiting for me outside. | ||
| And they just jumped out with a camera. | ||
| And the kid was like, hold on one second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| And the kid fucking jumped and came when the kid had a camera. | ||
| You didn't even say yes. | ||
| I didn't even say yes. | ||
| He just, and I was like, God, I don't know. | ||
| How can you want me to say something about your web series? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it is. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| All the weed people also, that's another one. | ||
| People just like, I got this joint company, you know, you take some joints and it's like shitty weed with oil on it. | ||
| Well, by the way. | ||
| Well, that's another problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, people trying to give you your shit to smoke. | ||
| I have no idea what kind of monkey business you're doing in that joint. | ||
| Did you just give me... | ||
| Does this have cocaine in it? | ||
| Like, now I'm gonna get pulled over and I have some heroin-laced joint? | ||
| Yeah, who knows? | ||
| Well, the other day, some guy gave me one of those tubes. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| And I buy those tubes sometimes when I'm in a rush by my house. | ||
| They have the tubes with the joint in it and they have a little bit of ash. | ||
| And they're not bad. | ||
| They're like 12 bucks, you smoke them, they're not fucking bad. | ||
| So I thought it was the same thing. | ||
| Well, I fucking took it and I go, Lee, you want to get high on the way back from the store? | ||
| We got fucking blasted. | ||
| We had to stop at 7-Eleven and get water and shit. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| And I drive Lee to the car and I go home and I'm like, I'm saving this fucking tube. | ||
| And the next day I go to the weed store and I give it to the guy and I go, I want fucking ten of those. | ||
| And he looked at me and he goes, I don't have these. | ||
| I gave it to the girl. | ||
| That's my friend. | ||
| She went in the back. | ||
| And they go, we can't sell these. | ||
| These have wax in them. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| No wonder I was so fucking whacked out. | ||
| I thought it was Doe. | ||
| He goes, no, you have to look. | ||
| CVW? Yeah. | ||
| And the kid went to give you two of them the other night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That night I was standing next to you. | ||
| I told him I couldn't take him. | ||
| Like, I don't know you, dude. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Like, listen, I don't know you. | ||
| You could be a cop. | ||
| And the girl gave you the muffin. | ||
| Yeah, that was really ridiculous. | ||
| She gave me a cake, a bunt cake for my daughter. | ||
| And I'm like, look, I'm not giving my daughter a cake from someone I don't even know. | ||
| So I don't want to be rude to you, but thank you very much, but I don't want the cake. | ||
| I don't eat that stuff, and I'm not going to give it to my kids. | ||
| She's like, why not? | ||
| And I was like, I don't know you. | ||
| Like, I'm not gonna just accept a cake from you to give to my kid. | ||
| You know, I mean, this is... | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It's weird already. | ||
| You know, if you gave me a cake to give to my kid, well, I know you. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| I don't want them eating that much sugar. | ||
| I mean, I give them dessert every now and again, but that's not even the point. | ||
| The point is, like, why would I do that? | ||
| Why would I give some food to my kid from some strange lady that the first thing she says is, I have a cake for your daughter. | ||
| Like, not, hello, not, how's your night going, not, what are you guys up to? | ||
| Hey, that was a really funny show, Joey. | ||
| You know, where are you at next? | ||
| Are you going on the road? | ||
| No, it's like right away, I've got a cake for your daughter. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| What kind of crazy shit is that? | ||
| I don't think people understand how creepy that actually sounds, because they're probably from a small town where it's like, you know, they're bringing apple pie over to strangers, like, I'm your neighbor, you know, and shit like that. | ||
| In the middle of talking to someone last night, this guy comes over, interrupts, and the first words are in his mouth, hey man, can you do me a favor? | ||
| And he's got his camera out, and he wants me to make a video for him. | ||
| No, no, no, I can't do you a favor. | ||
| You don't even care that we're talking. | ||
| Like, it doesn't even bother you. | ||
| You're not, excuse me, can I ask you a question real quick? | ||
| Are you guys free right now? | ||
| Can I ask you something? | ||
| Like, right away... | ||
| Can you do me a favor? | ||
| I'm gonna make a video. | ||
| I want you to be in it. | ||
| Like, get out of here! | ||
| No! | ||
| Like, that place needs a green room. | ||
| It does have one. | ||
| Yeah, but nobody uses it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You use it in the main room. | ||
| But in the main room the other night, a guy came in. | ||
| A guy weaseled in. | ||
| He was already in the back. | ||
| Me and Russell were talking about it the other night. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I like talking to people, but there's a line that I wouldn't even cross with somebody. | ||
| I'd love to go up to somebody. | ||
| Me and Redman, we're eating breakfast in Atlanta. | ||
| We saw Tommy Heinsohn from the South. | ||
| Excuse me, you Mr. Heinsohn? | ||
| Yeah, it's an honor to meet you. | ||
| I didn't even bother him. | ||
| I don't even want a fucking picture. | ||
| Stop with your fucking pictures! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop with the fucking pictures! | |
| What the picture gotta fucking do for you? | ||
| What are you gonna do with the fucking picture? | ||
| I'm going to bother this fucking guy at breakfast. | ||
| Mr. Heinz, I was a fan. | ||
| He was from Union City. | ||
| I was from North Bergen. | ||
| Your second cousin's with the Holloway. | ||
| Yeah, thank you for your time. | ||
| And he left. | ||
| I didn't stop. | ||
| I'm not going to stop him and get a fucking hug. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I've never given a fuck. | ||
| I've seen people a lot, and it's like, all right, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm going to go bother this fucking person. | ||
| You know, I just, I don't mind talking to people. | ||
| I love talking to people. | ||
| That's why I became a comic. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| But there's a line that I... You know, when I go out at night, I go out to do stand-up. | ||
| Nothing else. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| What do you think I did on the way to the show? | ||
| Do you think... | ||
| I smoked 15 joints. | ||
| On the way down Lower Canyon, I already got high. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I already ate a fucking pot cookie. | ||
| I'm where I need to be. | ||
| You know, if I wanna smoke, and there's times I smoke with people, but there's other times that I'm already baked, and I gotta get back on Laurel Canyon. | ||
| What if I get pulled over and I got your shitty weed on my fucking breath? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I gotta do 90 days, because you wanna hit me with that fucking pink, purple, fucking fake weed you got and shit. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's just... | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| I just... | ||
| I don't want to get pitched. | ||
| I know where you're coming from. | ||
| I don't want to... | ||
| I like talking to people. | ||
| It's the weird people before you go on stage, too. | ||
| That's the only time. | ||
| Well, sometimes people at the comedy store, like, literally, they'll be introducing you. | ||
| And people say, hey, man, can I get a picture? | ||
| Like, you don't hear that guy, like, bringing me up on stage right now? | ||
| Like, you don't... | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| They just want to get that thing on their Facebook. | ||
| And that's a real fucking problem with the access to cameras. | ||
| People want to use them even if it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| People weren't bringing cameras out in like 2000 when we would go on the road. | ||
| People weren't bringing that many cameras with them. | ||
| We didn't take that many pictures of people. | ||
| Most of the time when you talk to people off the show, you said hi to them. | ||
| Took a few pictures with folks. | ||
| But not everybody had a camera. | ||
| Now every fucking person you meet every day has a camera. | ||
| That's a mind-blowing change between two decades ago. | ||
| Yeah, can you imagine, like, 20 years ago, everyone just having camcorders, walking around the street? | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| And the worst part is that you don't know when people are recording. | ||
| So, like, that people are sitting there texting, but they're just recording you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I was out with my girlfriend the other day, and it was one of those guys just sitting there staring. | ||
| Like, oh, I know this guy. | ||
| I know this guy. | ||
| And he's just sitting there with his camera just up. | ||
| Like, he's looking. | ||
| And I know he was just sitting there recording or doing something. | ||
| Yeah, people are fucking weird. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| It's a weird time. | ||
| People have lost their etiquette. | ||
| And because this is such a new world, there's no etiquette as far as cameras and sticking them in people's faces or asking for photos. | ||
| How many times do you get asked while you're eating? | ||
| Mouthful of food. | ||
| Hey, man, can I get a picture? | ||
| Who the fuck would ever come up to you in the middle of eating? | ||
| In the middle of, hey, man, can I talk to you about something? | ||
| No, this is not the time to talk to people. | ||
| These are people who are eating food. | ||
| They're having a meal. | ||
| Not only that, they're sitting at a table looking at each other. | ||
| It's one of the most enjoyable things we do as friends. | ||
| Sit around and have a meal together. | ||
| That's like that expression, breaking bread. | ||
| You break bread with people. | ||
| And what are you saying, I can't do it in public or I'm going to be interrupted every five seconds by somebody who wants to take a photograph? | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| Most people realize that and they don't interrupt you while you're eating. | ||
| But some people do not give a fuck. | ||
| You could be eating with a baby on your lap, mouthful of food, answering the phone, and they'd tap you. | ||
| Hey, man, can I get a picture? | ||
| Can I get a picture? | ||
| Hey, man, can I get a picture? | ||
| Hey, excuse me, can I get a picture? | ||
| I hate to be that guy, but can I get a picture? | ||
| You hate to be that guy, but you're being that guy. | ||
| I bought a new car, and I didn't know the, not this Subaru, the one before it. | ||
| I didn't know the particulars of it, Joe. | ||
| I bought it off the lot. | ||
| I was in a rush. | ||
| I left the indoor light on. | ||
| My car was dead on Cahuenga in fucking Hollywood at rush hour. | ||
| Do you know that the guy that came over to say, do you need help, in the process, goes, hey, man, can I pitch you the... | ||
| I swear to my mother's grave, that was the worst thing ever. | ||
| When I'm on Cowenga, the car won't start. | ||
| I have fucking groceries. | ||
| The key, the fucking phone was in the car or something, and my car won't start. | ||
| I got these groceries. | ||
| I got to put them down, pop the trunk, and wait for somebody with a fucking... | ||
| This motherfucker pulls over. | ||
| I go, you got jumper cables? | ||
| He goes, no, I don't, but I got to ask you something. | ||
| Can I drop off a script to your agent? | ||
| And I looked at him like, no, you're fucking not. | ||
| It was like a Jersey boy thing where he wanted me to dance. | ||
| I couldn't fucking... | ||
| And he had met me one time. | ||
| He's just happy to see me on the street and pulled over in the middle of my fucking... | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And came up to me and he goes, hey man, do you think... | ||
| You couldn't go anywhere. | ||
| You were trapped. | ||
| And I looked at him and I go, you got to get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Like, you're not fucking serious right now. | ||
| You have to go to the proper fucking channels. | ||
| I take pictures with everybody. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| I do theaters. | ||
| And after this show, I don't charge anybody. | ||
| I stay for hours. | ||
| I'll take hundreds of pictures. | ||
| There's lines. | ||
| We have videos of it, of all these theaters where there's lines around spiral staircases. | ||
| And I'll wait till everybody's done before I go get something to eat. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| It's not like I don't want to meet people. | ||
| I want to meet everybody and be friendly. | ||
| But there's a certain line that people cross that just shows they're socially goofy. | ||
| They're just klutzy and clumsy. | ||
| And those are the exact type of people that are always trying to pitch you something. | ||
| Who the fuck have you ever pitched anything to? | ||
| Who the fuck have you ever pitched anything to? | ||
| I've never pitched anybody an idea. | ||
| I've never come up to someone and said, hey man, if there's this project, if we had a name attached to it like you, I really think you could jump off. | ||
| I don't even know you. | ||
| You're supposed to have an agent. | ||
| There's a whole system of things that are in place for a reason. | ||
| You have a script. | ||
| The script is good. | ||
| The script gets read by reviewers. | ||
| The reviewers take it. | ||
| The agency represents it. | ||
| They bring it out. | ||
| They contact other people. | ||
| They say, hey, we've got this script. | ||
| We think that this could be a really good script. | ||
| Do you have any actors that would be interested in doing this? | ||
| And then they contact the agents and the actors. | ||
| You have meetings. | ||
| That's how shit gets done. | ||
| You don't just show up When Joey Diaz's car is broken down, it's like, hey, I'm trying to break into the business. | ||
| Like, well, you're doing it wrong. | ||
| It's like coming up to me and saying, hey, man, can I open for you? | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| I don't know you. | ||
| You want to come with me on the road? | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| A guy I don't know, flying around with me, being fucking weird, and who knows how bad you suck. | ||
| You know, you could be terrible. | ||
| I've had people that told me they've never gone on stage before, but they know that they would be fucking awesome, and if they could just go up during my show, it would be the right kind of show to go up for, because we have the same sensibilities. | ||
| Oh, what a great idea. | ||
| You should do no open mic nights. | ||
| You should just go directly to a bunch of people that paid to see me and I'll just let you on stage and you do whatever the fuck you want to do and I don't even know you. | ||
| Like, who asks that? | ||
| Who says, hey, man, I'm the best basically baseball player of all time, and just, like, Dodgers should just let me play one day and just get out there and show what I can do? | ||
| Do you want to audition? | ||
| No, man. | ||
| Just let me hit the ball, bro. | ||
| I'll fucking hit a home run, I guarantee. | ||
| There's people out there that are that goofy. | ||
| There's a lot of them, man. | ||
| And this town is like a magnet for them. | ||
| Because some of them get on TV. Some of them get on a reality show and they're so retarded that they're compelling and that you listen to them. | ||
| I mean, how many fucking... | ||
| Look at Windy City Heat. | ||
| How about that fucking movie? | ||
| That's exactly what we're talking about. | ||
| Windy City Heat is a diary of a madman. | ||
| I mean, it's a fucking biography. | ||
| Don Barris, Jimmy Kimmel put together, took this guy who was out of his fucking mind, and they had this guy convinced that he was a movie star, and that he was something special, and he was a celebrity, and they hosed him the entire way. | ||
| I mean, the guy wasn't in on it at all. | ||
| And that fucking guy's still around, man. | ||
| And he still thinks he gets people coming to his shows. | ||
| He's a real headliner. | ||
| I mean, you have to hear the shit that comes out of his mouth. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| It's kind of fucked up, man. | ||
| Because they've essentially taken advantage. | ||
| There's Bobcat Goldthwait, that sick fuck. | ||
| Look at that look on his face. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| And Don Barris is the master of dealing with retards. | ||
| Don Barris has a PhD in nuts. | ||
| He knows how to deal with it. | ||
| Who's the guy with the wig? | ||
| That's the guy that fucks with Scary Perry all the time. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| That's one of the big three. | ||
| But like those type of people are the people that you get at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I don't mind the picture taken. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At all. | |
| That's under my skin. | ||
| So you've taken 300 pictures. | ||
| I've given out hugs. | ||
| I've smoked pot. | ||
| I've taken hits off six pipes. | ||
| I go inside. | ||
| I hug the staff. | ||
| I get paid as I'm walking out the door. | ||
| There's four fucking people in an alley. | ||
| Can we take a picture? | ||
| Where the fuck were you? | ||
| Where the fuck were you before? | ||
| Like once I'm done, I'm done. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Once it's over, it's over for me. | ||
| You guys know it. | ||
| Once it's over, you got a minute to make up your mind because I'm going. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| There's no more nothing. | ||
| And those are the only ones that I go, I don't get this. | ||
| That we've been here for two hours and you've been standing there like a fucking bump on a wall. | ||
| They get nervous. | ||
| They want to be with you at the end. | ||
| And now at the end, as I'm about to go in, I gotta stop what the fuck I'm doing momentum-wise. | ||
| And fucking... | ||
| Like, my head wasn't in there no more. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I'm done with the fucking pictures. | ||
| I'm done talking. | ||
| I just did two shows. | ||
| We just talked to 500 people for fucking... | ||
| I've been here since 7 fucking 30. That's the only part of the fucking thing that doesn't... | ||
| On Sunday nights, one of the purposes that I stay in on Sunday nights is to answer emails. | ||
| I answer anywhere from 80 to 125 emails every Sunday. | ||
| I do it because I don't have what everybody else has. | ||
| That's my little edge. | ||
| People come to the show and they go, I hate your material, but you answered my email. | ||
| I hate your material, but you answered my email. | ||
| I don't think you're funny, but you answered my email. | ||
| People say that to you? | ||
| And I emailed six out of comics. | ||
| They didn't answer me. | ||
| Well, people are shitty like that. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll come to your show. | ||
| They'll buy you a shirt just because you answered an email. | ||
| You know, that's how far I go. | ||
| I go the whole fucking way with these people. | ||
| But when I say that's it, that's it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I get hit, obviously, for ten fucking podcasts a week. | ||
| I don't even know who these people are. | ||
| I don't even know who they are. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| They're calling me. | ||
| And they get angry, Joe. | ||
| That's what burns me up. | ||
| That they don't understand what we go through here. | ||
| That, you know, if I get in a car, it's 45 minutes to go somewhere. | ||
| That's time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's an hour and a half. | ||
| Then I have a baby. | ||
| I got no babysitter. | ||
| I got a podcast. | ||
| I try to work out. | ||
| You know, not to mention whoever wants to talk to me legitimately about something. | ||
| Then I got a wife. | ||
| And then we got to do stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Then there's a thing that you have to do called writing. | ||
| When the fuck do you want me to... | ||
| You know, these people that call you up and go, can you do my podcast? | ||
| Yeah, we do 5 o'clock by the airport. | ||
| Listen, you're with no dating. | ||
| You're in no danger. | ||
| That's not happening at all. | ||
| Five o'clock by the airport. | ||
| Four o'clock in the afternoon, you're not getting me out for a fucking podcast. | ||
| It's either early or late at night. | ||
| Take your pick. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Four o'clock, I can't do it, guy. | ||
| The Culver City, that's an hour each way. | ||
| You just kill me. | ||
| If you're lucky. | ||
| That's three hours for your fucking podcast out of my time. | ||
| If you do Culver City, you literally have to do 11 in the morning so that you're out by 2 at the latest and then you get on the road. | ||
| Because even 2, you're pushing. | ||
| You're 2. It used to be 3 in this town. | ||
| Now it's 2. 2.15, you're fucking kaputs. | ||
| I drove at 5 once from Venice, and I said, let's see what it's like. | ||
| Let's just see what it's like to be on the 405 at 5 o'clock. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It really is insane. | ||
| And I feel so bad for those people that have to do that every day. | ||
| My Mexican does that every single day. | ||
| You're Mexican. | ||
| Your girlfriend, you mean? | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| Don't call you a Mexican. | ||
| Adam Huck is my boy, but he tapes that podcast by the airport. | ||
| Oh, it's crazy. | ||
| Oh, that's where the Fox studio is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They do it in the same place where Brendan and Cal does his. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so. | |
| I'm not going to Fox at 5 o'clock, bro. | ||
| Yeah, you can suck it. | ||
| You can suck my dick. | ||
| I'm not going to Fox studios at 5 o'clock. | ||
| That's what we did fighting the kid over here. | ||
| I was like, you know, I'll do your podcast, but we'll do it over here. | ||
| Like, come on, guys. | ||
| That's retarded. | ||
| That's too far away. | ||
| It takes over an hour and 45 minutes every single day, and it's only 23 miles. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| From where to where? | ||
| From Venice to Burbank. | ||
| Does she do it back and forth it takes that much? | ||
| No, that's just one way home. | ||
| One way is an hour and 45 minutes? | ||
| Home. | ||
| Oh, good lord. | ||
| She gets off at 5 and she gets home about 6.30, 7. Oh my god. | ||
| That is fucking insane. | ||
| On the way there, it's only an hour. | ||
| So three hours on a bad day, she's in the car. | ||
| Yeah, she's pretty much going to Vegas every day. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| You'd be messed up, pedal to the metal. | ||
| I made it back from Vegas once in three hours. | ||
| But I shouldn't have. | ||
| I used to make it from San Diego in an hour 35. Yeah, that's nice when that happens. | ||
| Not a lot of people could make my records 120. That's when the drug dealer was closing at 1. When that drug dealer was closing at 1, Doug, I used to get off the stage at the Comedy Store in La Jolla. | ||
| I would headline. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| How much time do you want me to do? | ||
| Oh, we want you to do 45 to an hour. | ||
| Listen, whatever 1140 is, that's what I'm doing. | ||
| So all these guest sets and all these people you're putting up, at 1140, I get off the stage and I walk right to the car. | ||
| The car's already filled up with gas. | ||
| There's no need to stop. | ||
| It's pointed to the fire from La Jolla. | ||
| So what were they trying to do? | ||
| Sandwich a bunch of people on in before you? | ||
| Yeah, like they would just tell me, oh, you have to stay till 12. No, I'm not. | ||
| An hour 20. My drug dealer closes at 1. I gotta hit Los Feliz by fucking 5 to 1. This situation ain't gonna work. | ||
| I would do 70, 75 from the La Jolla Comedy Store to Immigration. | ||
| There's a certain thing that some clubs would like to do where they want to put on their good local guys in front of a guy like you. | ||
| Because they know a guy like you is going to have a good audience. | ||
| So a bunch of local guys are like, Joey Diaz, do you want a show? | ||
| Can I get on that show? | ||
| Can I get on that show? | ||
| You know who used to do that shit all the time? | ||
| It's Tom Sawyer in San Francisco. | ||
| Remember we used to let Tom book the gig? | ||
| And then somewhere along, they're like, yo, dude, done. | ||
| There's no more of this. | ||
| No more. | ||
| Because he was like, you know, I really want to be able to put this show together. | ||
| I'm like, why would you want to put the show together when it doesn't cost you anymore if I bring my friends and I know they're hilarious? | ||
| Like, listen, just trust me. | ||
| I've got some great local talent. | ||
| And he's put on this just nightmare of an opening show. | ||
| And be like, oh, fucking Christ. | ||
| Two, three guys in a row that you're like, what am I listening to? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And then you'd bring, you know, I'd bring you, or I'd bring Duncan, or I'd bring Ari, and we'd have a fucking amazing show. | ||
| But they went, well, Joey Diaz upsets people. | ||
| Like, I don't know if that's the kind of act we want in our club. | ||
| Nobody hated anyone that fucking much. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| He was the worst? | ||
| Oh, and I used to go there just to irritate him. | ||
| I knew he was gay. | ||
| I knew he was dying to suck your dick. | ||
| If there was a guy that was dying to suck your dick, it was that guy. | ||
| He had a girlfriend. | ||
| He's not gay. | ||
| He was a flamer from the fucking jump. | ||
| The day he showed up with the two-seater to pick you up to do radio, that Ari came up and Ari goes, Joey Diaz, you might be right. | ||
| That guy's... | ||
| He's got a small car. | ||
| It doesn't mean he's gay. | ||
| No, he went out and rented a two-seater so he could have you. | ||
| He was trying to get you. | ||
| He was in the Cosby U. He likes comedy. | ||
| No, he didn't like comedy. | ||
| That's why the guy ran the club well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where is he today? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't like comedy. | ||
| He got out. | ||
| When somebody likes comedy, they stick with it. | ||
| That dude was a dick to a lot of people. | ||
| And when that guy got fired, a lot of people were happy, bro. | ||
| He fucked over a lot of people. | ||
| I don't know about all that. | ||
| I like that guy. | ||
| Still like him. | ||
| He told like two or three people how he hated when you brought me out. | ||
| He fucking hated because he knew he couldn't suck your dick. | ||
| He knew he was dying to suck your Johnson. | ||
| That guy was a pole smoker from the word go. | ||
| It's amazing how many guys on the road. | ||
| Look at all the guys when we were touring that said things. | ||
| At the end, they never fucking mattered. | ||
| When I see a comedy club owner now and he comes and talks to me, I look right fucking through. | ||
| And I don't give a fuck if they're listening to the show. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| You're a fucking pimp in heat, is what you are. | ||
| I just look at you because... | ||
| A freak without warning? | ||
| With an appetite for cunts. | ||
| Makes him a fucking puke. | ||
| You know, from Mark Babbitt. | ||
| I have to go in and listen to... | ||
| Shut the fuck up, Mark Babbitt. | ||
| That's your cocaine buddy. | ||
| All those douchebags. | ||
| All those douchebags were the same. | ||
| That made believe there was something so important. | ||
| And at the end of the week, we outlasted them. | ||
| We outlasted those fucking pukes. | ||
| But those people were important, too, because, look, when Mark Babbitt was around... | ||
| I hate to be defending Mark Babbitt. | ||
| Mark Babbitt was a great guy. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| But the importance that Houston... | ||
| Look at Houston County went kaput after that. | ||
| It did go kaput, but that's what I'm saying. | ||
| He broke those motherfuckers. | ||
| No, but he kept it alive. | ||
| He was like the Jim Jones of comedy down there. | ||
| He was giving out blow and, you know, recruiting young kids. | ||
| Somebody busted him putting that out for young kids and shit. | ||
| You know, it was such a... | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Young kids. | ||
| You know, like fucking how creepy was the guy from Tempe. | ||
| As much as I liked him. | ||
| Oh, poor bastard. | ||
| You know, when he, I would listen to the man, like his whole vocabulary was, he couldn't wait to say spade. | ||
| He loved saying the word, the spades? | ||
| No, like David Spade. | ||
| Oh, spade, David Spade. | ||
| You know, David Spade. | ||
| Was from Phoenix, remember? | ||
| A card conversation? | ||
| He couldn't wait to... | ||
| You're not going to believe who's here for the Super Bowl. | ||
| Spain and Fallon. | ||
| They're not coming to your stupid fucking club in Arizona, okay? | ||
| They're not coming to your dumb fucking comedy club in Tempe that year. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| All those comedy... | ||
| You know, get them on Letterman. | ||
| You're friends with the guy that said that all women weren't funny. | ||
| Once he got fired, your Letterman juice got lost. | ||
| That's the only reason why he would go to New York and go to Letterman. | ||
| It's amazing the self-importance they had on themselves. | ||
| And at the end of the day, they were worth nothing. | ||
| And what they don't know about comics is that 90% of comics are fucking whores. | ||
| They have zero loyalty. | ||
| So once those motherfuckers are gone, they're gone. | ||
| Like, they try to call people and say, hey, how you doing? | ||
| And comics just hang up on them. | ||
| We have nothing to get from you no more. | ||
| We have nothing in common with you. | ||
| I've spoken to 20 club owners that are gone, that have said that. | ||
| Jesus, I tried to call Titus. | ||
| He never returned my call. | ||
| You got nothing for him! | ||
| Well, I'm putting together this one night. | ||
| Yeah, from Pete to him to Mark Babbitt to the guy in Phoenix calling me. | ||
| I've reached out to 20 comics. | ||
| Not one of them will help me. | ||
| You don't have a club no more, guy. | ||
| I'm the only moron that calls you back because I feel bad for you. | ||
| Because you were very good to me. | ||
| You know, Sarah and I was the biggest cunt ever. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| A Chinese chick that worked for the improvs. | ||
| Guys, you don't know what the word cunt was when you talk to Sarah Knotts. | ||
| She was an Asian chick that booked Cleveland and Buffalo in the 90s. | ||
| And she would abuse you. | ||
| She would abuse you. | ||
| Like, if I ever see her now, you better call it domestic violence, because I will smack her in the mouth. | ||
| Whoa, that's threatening. | ||
| You don't have a lot of threatening people on the internet. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| This is terrorism. | ||
| This is against the patriots. | ||
| She would book Miami, Buffalo, and Cleveland. | ||
| What she used to do to comics was fucking rude, bro. | ||
| The statements you hear are the opinions of Joey Diaz and Joey Diaz alone. | ||
| That's my opinion in my fucking heart, my nutsack. | ||
| You know, these people actually picked up this thing like they were important, and they were no more important than talent. | ||
| Well, I got to tell you, though, the co-argument, the counter-argument to that is that Mark Babbitt, I think, as crazy as he was, was responsible for creating a scene, like a creative scene. | ||
| No, I agree with you. | ||
| They had a goddamn open mic night at that Laugh Stop that was packed. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| It would start at, like, 8 o'clock. | ||
| It would go till 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| And next door, they would be doing another show. | ||
| So they'd have a show in the main room, which was a perfectly shaped, perfectly sized room. | ||
| That Laugh Stop in River Oaks is one of the greatest clubs of all time. | ||
| All time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All time. | |
| And that fucking maniac ran it. | ||
| And yeah, apparently there was some inconsistencies with the books, and there was all sorts of issues according to the owners. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With the blow. | |
| Yeah, there was a lot of shit going on. | ||
| The boys were missing on the back of milk cartons and shit. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| That he had in the basement. | ||
| That I have no knowledge of. | ||
| But it was a fun club to work. | ||
| Here's the thing that pisses me off. | ||
| I had... | ||
| He broke my ball. | ||
| Mark Babbitt was one of the... | ||
| Let me just tell you the Mark Babbitt story. | ||
| Mark Babbitt went to Freddy Soto and said, I'm looking for feature acts. | ||
| So Freddy came up to me at the comedy store, and then he goes, Mark Babbitt's looking for a feature. | ||
| I send him a tape. | ||
| I refuse to send the tape. | ||
| Especially if I'm at the motherfucking comedy store. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I'm not sending you no fucking tape. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I'm at Missy Shaw's comedy store. | ||
| You want a tape? | ||
| You take a ride up here. | ||
| You want? | ||
| I'll send you a copy of the 1045 spot I get. | ||
| I ain't sending you no tape. | ||
| I just refuse. | ||
| I never send normally a tape. | ||
| I refuse. | ||
| Especially people from L.A. that would call me. | ||
| We're putting together a TV show. | ||
| We need a tape. | ||
| 1115 at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I don't fucking send tapes. | ||
| Mark Babbitt, I sent him a blank tape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hilarious. | |
| Okay? | ||
| I sent that jerk off, finally, because the manager I had, Ken Phillips, kept calling me saying, that guy from Houston keeps calling you. | ||
| He wants you to send him a blank tape. | ||
| I fucking didn't send him a tape for a year. | ||
| Finally, one day, I went to fucking Ralph's, bought a tape, put an envelope and sent. | ||
| Put Joey Diaz saying there was none on the tape. | ||
| You know that motherfucker called me a week later? | ||
| And say he loved my tape and he hired me as a feature actor to open for Bobby Slayton. | ||
| So fuck all you motherfuckers. | ||
| That whole tape thing is a power move. | ||
| When you go to a comedy club and you go to his office to get paid, he's got a TV and he's got a thousand tapes on him with dust on him. | ||
| He don't watch those fucking tapes. | ||
| That's his fucking power move, okay? | ||
| Send me a tape. | ||
| I sent him the fucking tape. | ||
| So the first time he booked me, he asked, I called him, he goes, I don't have a feature spot for you, but I have an MC spot, I'm gonna pay you 300 bucks. | ||
| Bitch, the plane ticket's 280. At that time it was 220 or something. | ||
| So I took the week, but I was always looking for a better week. | ||
| And I got a guy in Toronto to pay me like 800 for a feature week. | ||
| Bollywood, whatever the fuck it was called up there. | ||
| So I did two weeks. | ||
| So I called Babbitt like a man. | ||
| I told him the truth. | ||
| I go, Babbitt, I got a week up in Toronto. | ||
| I got two weeks for 800. Fuck you and your $300 Super Bowl week with David Teller. | ||
| Whatever the fuck you're trying to pimp me off with, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And he goes, okay. | ||
| And about a month later, I heard he's never going to hire you again. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| He told me, oh, he told people I wasn't going to work again and all this shit. | ||
| And I fucking called him up, bro. | ||
| I fucking called him up. | ||
| And I said, so that's what you're doing? | ||
| You mean to tell me that you're not going to fuck? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| He called me back a week later and gave me two gigs opening up for Paul Rodriguez in Bakersfield. | ||
| And then it says that we were cool. | ||
| But I sent him a blank tape. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| I can't believe you sent him a blank tape. | ||
| Yeah, and then he called me. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Joey Diaz and I did a free show there once, and he lost his fucking mind. | ||
| That we decided... | ||
| I came down, it was when my first CD, I recorded a CD in Houston. | ||
| Look who called me, Pete from Houston. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| How fucking cool is that? | ||
| He must be listening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Maybe somebody called him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I bet. | |
| I bet that's because Pete was the owner's son, and they found out some discrepancies. | ||
| Babbitt came in the middle of the night and left with everything. | ||
| See, Babbitt was... | ||
| Uh, doing the Carlos Mencia concerts with the Laugh Stop's money, and then he would put the check back in on Monday morning, so nobody knew. | ||
| This is an old fucking trick, bro. | ||
| When I was a kid, I knew a guy that worked at a bank that would give you cash, 30 grand on a Friday. | ||
| You better have that cash back by Monday at 9 a.m., or some people are gonna come knock you the fuck out. | ||
| But he did it at a bank, bro. | ||
| So he'd take the money out, and then you'd give him, like, $35,000? | ||
| $40,000. | ||
| In the kilo days, he'd give you $30,000 for a kilo, but you'd better be back here Monday with my $45,000. | ||
| So he'd pull it out of the bank for him? | ||
| Pull it right out of the fucking bank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cash! | |
| And give it right back to you. | ||
| That's so risky. | ||
| You gave it right back to him on Monday. | ||
| I was friends with that guy for years. | ||
| I met him my sophomore year. | ||
| I was mailing something. | ||
| Something fell out. | ||
| I was working on a lumberyard, and an envelope fell down. | ||
| And when I went to pick it up, I heard the envelope go... | ||
| I didn't say nothing. | ||
| I ripped it. | ||
| I put it in my pocket. | ||
| And then I went home and there was two credit cards and two checks. | ||
| One for like 20 and one for like 18. And I was going to use the credit cards. | ||
| I was a young kid. | ||
| My mom had just died. | ||
| I didn't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| And I went to a buddy of mine who I knew his brother was a little fucked up. | ||
| He knew those people. | ||
| And I said, dog, I got these two checks. | ||
| One for 18, one for 20. He wrote his brother's number. | ||
| He goes, call my brother. | ||
| He'll take care of it for you. | ||
| He called the brother, brother met me. | ||
| The brother had to be like 20. | ||
| He came with like three other fucking mafiosis. | ||
| And they go, "What do you want from this?" I go, "I want one of the checks and you keep the other one." He goes, "You'll have your cash tomorrow." Done. | ||
| Those motherfuckers gave me 20 grand in a bank envelope when I was 16 years old, the week John Lennon got shot. | ||
| Don't you think, though, like-- we think about, like, how many guys that benefited from having Babbitt run that club? | ||
| Oh, it was a great club. | ||
| It was a great club while he was running. | ||
| I'm just saying that... | ||
| I'm not talking about the job they did. | ||
| I was talking how most people ran around thinking they were the end-all, be-all. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of club owners that they get to a point that they get so cocky, they're like, oh, I'm calling Hollywood. | ||
| You'll never work again. | ||
| And people really trip. | ||
| You know, when I first started in this business as a guy that's the Holly, the drummer from Buddy Holly, He books in Texas. | ||
| And he's a real cuntbag. | ||
| What he does is he calls you and he goes, I'm gonna pay you $2.50 a night from Tuesday to Saturday. | ||
| And then once the gig week comes up, we only have Saturday left. | ||
| Well, I can't drive from Boston to fucking New Orleans for fucking Saturday night. | ||
| No! | ||
| You know, I'm not doing it. | ||
| So I was working with the guy. | ||
| I had a great relationship with the guy. | ||
| I moved to Seattle, and he gave me this week in New Mexico, and I wanted to go down. | ||
| They had great clubs in New Mexico at the time. | ||
| Sure enough, the motherfucker calls me. | ||
| He goes, there's only one night. | ||
| It's Saturday night. | ||
| I go, dog, I'm living in Seattle now. | ||
| I could have gone down there for the other money, but I can't go for one night. | ||
| This motherfucker told me, if you fucking cancel on me, you'll never work on improv. | ||
| You'll never work for nobody. | ||
| I waited till the night of the gig. | ||
| And I called this motherfucker. | ||
| At a quarter of eight, he kept calling me. | ||
| On the pager, where are you? | ||
| And I kept calling back, I'm 30 miles out. | ||
| I'm 10 miles out. | ||
| At about a quarter of eight, I called this motherfucker. | ||
| I said, don't you ever threaten me again. | ||
| It looks like your mother's headlining that motherfucker. | ||
| And I just hung up the fucking phone, dog. | ||
| Don't you ever threaten me again, you dumb motherfucker. | ||
| Your mother's head lying in the closet. | ||
| So then, a couple years later, I go to Houston and tell them, oh, Doug, there's some guy, he's looking for somebody to go to Mississippi tomorrow night for like 300 bucks. | ||
| And I go, I'll do it. | ||
| And they told me the guy, oh, that's the guy I beat. | ||
| And they go, he forgot, call him by now. | ||
| He forgot. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Your name sounds familiar. | ||
| I go, listen, I'm the headliner. | ||
| I'm at the store. | ||
| I've done movies. | ||
| Just give me the gig for three bills. | ||
| He goes, oh, your name sounds familiar. | ||
| Call me tomorrow. | ||
| The next day, he called me. | ||
| He goes, I remember you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're the guy that called me at 10 to 8. Told me to tell my mother the headline. | |
| Did you still do the gig? | ||
| Fuck, no. | ||
| He wouldn't give it to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| That's the shit that bothered me. | ||
| That's my thing. | ||
| That we're young. | ||
| We're stupid, we're naive, and we believe, and those people take advantage of us. | ||
| It's like anybody else taking advantage of you. | ||
| Babbitt was a great guy, but the reason why the Houston comedy scene is the way it is because Babbitt fucked with those kids' heads. | ||
| At some point, he had them like, bitches, don't look at me. | ||
| Don't make eye contact. | ||
| Look at the motherfucking floor. | ||
| Look at the kid that bombed at the comedy store. | ||
| He never did comedy again. | ||
| Babbitt had him telling me, you were going to be bigger than Carlos. | ||
| You're going to be bigger than this guy. | ||
| You're going to be bigger than this. | ||
| You're the next Bill Hicks. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, he did have bad taste. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He had some bad. | ||
| Like, he would tell you a guy, I want this guy to open for you. | ||
| And you would go, what are you talking about? | ||
| Like, are you fucking crazy? | ||
| I'm not going to have people pay to hear that guy talk. | ||
| Like, he would have guys that were... | ||
| They had nothing. | ||
| There was nothing there. | ||
| This one guy who would just memorize these, like, fake rants. | ||
| It was, like, this long... | ||
| He would, like, have these big, deep breaths in between the rants and just rant this thing out, like, with all these, like, stats and numbers, and he'd say all this shit, and it was because he had memorized it all that it was so impressive. | ||
| But there was no funny in it. | ||
| There was no comedy in it. | ||
| It was, like, a trick. | ||
| It was, like, he memorized all this stuff with this crazy brand, and all of a sudden... | ||
| And then everybody go, oh, that was great. | ||
| He did that thing. | ||
| And that was his whole act, was these rants. | ||
| But they weren't like a... | ||
| It wasn't like a rant where he had a point, like a Bill Burr rant, where it's a rant, but there's all these jokes in it, pointing shit out, and you're laughing. | ||
| No, there was nothing until the end, and in the end you would clap. | ||
| He was one of the beginnings of alternative comedy. | ||
| Like, people go see him, oh my God, that's such a brilliant, you know, because when Jesus Jones wrote that song, you're like, Jesus, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| And look, he faded away and he cracked and became a bartender or something. | ||
| And that's what, you know, a couple, my breakthrough in my life really came when I did analyze that and I met that director. | ||
| When I met that dude that was that they told him to go fuck himself on Saturday Night Live. | ||
| What dude is that? | ||
| Harold Ramis. | ||
| Harold Ramis. | ||
| He really changed my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That two hour... | ||
| I had a great talk with him about comedy. | ||
| And he goes, I watched your tape. | ||
| Why don't you go to Montreal? | ||
| Wait a minute, you had a tape? | ||
| I had a stand-up tape at the time. | ||
| You gave a tape to him? | ||
| Fuck you, that's Harold Ramis. | ||
| He gets his tape. | ||
| That's Harold Ramis. | ||
| I put together a... | ||
| At that time, I went to... | ||
| I went to see this lady... | ||
| I gotta know the rules. | ||
| No, no, I went to see this lady for a movie, and she goes, "You're not perfect for this movie, but my next movie you're gonna be good for." She goes, "I want you to keep in touch with me." And it was Helen Chenoweth. | ||
| That bitch is bad. | ||
| Like, that bitch just hangs out with De Niro. | ||
| She was just doing-- she did Bronx Count, she did Bronx Tale, those type of movies. | ||
| And she really took a liking to me. | ||
| So she would tell me, send me everything you got. | ||
| I want to push you for this movie. | ||
| But I need for you to send me what you got. | ||
| So I only had at that time, I only had the mesos. | ||
| I had that gay mafia thing. | ||
| That's all I had. | ||
| So I put stand-up on it. | ||
| I had a really good set somewhere and sent it to her. | ||
| And I remember Harold Ramis pulling me over and he goes, you're natural. | ||
| These pricks I see in Montreal, I ain't got dick on you. | ||
| I mean, this guy said shit. | ||
| This is Harold fucking Ramis. | ||
| And he's the one that looked me in the eye and he goes, don't take shit from these pussies either. | ||
| Because they're all a bunch of pussies. | ||
| Al Ramos said that? | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| He was like... | ||
| Don't take shit from these pussies. | ||
| Don't take shit from none of these pussies. | ||
| Because once you take it, it's like... | ||
| Clemenza told Michael, they should have stopped Hitler in Munich. | ||
| Once you take this shit... | ||
| And I remember I shot that movie in, like, September. | ||
| And that October, that December, Pete, from the goodness of his heart, used to headline me in Houston. | ||
| The first guy to ever headline me was Pete Houston. | ||
| That's why he still calls me. | ||
| And I give him the respect as a man. | ||
| I still call him and thank him. | ||
| Nobody else would even feature me. | ||
| He was headlining me. | ||
| He's like, you're a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He saw me with Pablo in Houston. | ||
| And he's like, I'm going to headline you. | ||
| So he would headline me in Christmas for two weeks. | ||
| I didn't pay me, Joe, before anybody paid me. | ||
| And I went down there and did blow and went crazy. | ||
| But that wasn't the point. | ||
| Pete took care of me. | ||
| That wasn't the point. | ||
| I didn't blow. | ||
| I went crazy. | ||
| Oh, I used to go crazy. | ||
| Not for nothing. | ||
| I just watched my episode of Coke Case after two weeks in Houston. | ||
| I was like 400 pounds. | ||
| My neck was swollen from the sodium and the fucking inositol and cloline and the cocaine. | ||
| My neck was swollen. | ||
| I would go to Houston and just eat that barbecue every day and do blow every night and drink shots of Jägermeister. | ||
| You know, what happens to you? | ||
| It is awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds great. | |
| Coke is fun. | ||
| Burritos from Houston. | ||
| We'll put some fucking pounds on you. | ||
| I remember coming back one day and I got a call from a guy at the improv. | ||
| And this guy, this pretty cool guy to an extent. | ||
| He goes, hey man, you know, this is a true story, Joe. | ||
| This is like January 6th of 2003. And I had just done analyze that. | ||
| And this is the first time I was in a test when Harold Ramis said to me. | ||
| He goes, don't take shit from none of these comedy guys and tell them all to go fuck themselves. | ||
| You're a funny guy. | ||
| Don't ever look back. | ||
| Go! | ||
| And I got a call from one of the heads of the improv, and he goes, hey man, we just got a call. | ||
| We have a club in Houston, but you're working the other club. | ||
| And I said, yeah, that's when they were trying to make people not work. | ||
| This is early on. | ||
| This is 2003, before anything. | ||
| I was driving on Melrose, and he goes, you know, it's not right that you do that. | ||
| We've always taken care of you. | ||
| And I go, and I snapped, Joe. | ||
| And I go, taking care of me where? | ||
| In Miami for $6.50 a fucking week? | ||
| I do 13 shows, and I outsell the fucking headliner because I'm Cuban? | ||
| How the fuck do you take care of me? | ||
| When do you take care of me? | ||
| I go, look at your fucking schedule right now for the next six months. | ||
| Go look at Irvine. | ||
| Am I in Irvine? | ||
| Am I in Ontario? | ||
| Am I in fucking Brea? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You give it to all your boys. | ||
| Don't say you fucking take care of me. | ||
| And he goes, well, you don't understand. | ||
| All you have to do is ask. | ||
| Well, I'm fucking asking. | ||
| Open your book. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| Oh, I can't. | ||
| I have to. | ||
| No, right now. | ||
| Open your fucking book. | ||
| And they're like, no. | ||
| And I go, listen, the conversation's fucking over. | ||
| Well, that's anti-competitive practice. | ||
| And I go, the competition, I go, the conversation's over. | ||
| And he goes, no, it's not, because you just won't work any of our improvs. | ||
| And I go, say that again to me. | ||
| I go, say that again. | ||
| I'm gonna go down and I'm gonna bang your head off that fucking desk. | ||
| Joe Rogan, just like that. | ||
| I was in one of those cocaine morning moves. | ||
| He caught me at like 10, 15. A bad time to catch me in those cocaine days because I was probably broke and thinking of where am I gonna get my next fix from. | ||
| And you're calling me, threatening me at 10 and 15 in the morning, telling me I can't work Houston when you don't do dick for me. | ||
| And I said, say another word. | ||
| I'm three blocks from your office. | ||
| I'm gonna go there, I'm gonna bang your head off your... | ||
| No, I said, you're gonna say something, I'm gonna say something, you're gonna say something, I'm gonna say something, that I'm three blocks from your office, I'm gonna go there, I'm gonna bang your head off your fucking desk. | ||
| And dog, I heard a hang-up, and I went home, and I didn't call nobody, I thought I was done at the improv. | ||
| And do you know that two days later, I got a motherfucking call with three weeks from The Improv. | ||
| It's a feature spot in Southern California. | ||
| So sometimes you got to put your foot down with these creepy motherfuckers, dawg, because they get a pow up to... | ||
| In L.A., nothing happens to you till they see you on television. | ||
| They treat you like shit. | ||
| Once they see you in a commercial, because now they know. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You may not be that motherfucker, but you might become that motherfucker. | ||
| So they don't give you everything. | ||
| They still break your balls. | ||
| But they don't... | ||
| Now they know that you're real. | ||
| This motherfucker could strike. | ||
| That's the most important thing with me, that every year I keep throwing jabs at them. | ||
| So they can talk all the shit they want, but I'm still alive, motherfucker. | ||
| You follow me? | ||
| So they can say all the shit they want... | ||
| Yeah, but I'm still here. | ||
| What the fuck have you done? | ||
| When a company has too many rooms like that, and they want too big of a piece of the pie, and then they want you to stop doing the other rooms that are in town that you've had a relationship forever, whether it's Atlanta or Denver. | ||
| Denver, they had a big issue in Denver, where, you know, When you go there, Wendy will tell you the whole fucking story about it. | ||
| She had this meeting with people that were going to open up another club in town, and they wanted to tell her they were going to either go into business with her, allow her to buy in, or they're basically going to run her out of town. | ||
| She's like, oh yeah, good luck with that. | ||
| What are you guys going to do for open mic nights? | ||
| It's one of the things she asked them. | ||
| And they said, we're not going to have an open mic night. | ||
| She goes, okay, so let me get this straight. | ||
| It's like if you sold widgets, why wouldn't you make widgets? | ||
| You gotta get your widgets from somewhere else? | ||
| Like, why don't you make your own widgets? | ||
| Like, you're not gonna develop any widgets? | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| They're not thinking in terms of, like, long term. | ||
| Especially, like, someone like Wendy's the best case example. | ||
| Wendy, in my opinion, is the reason why there's a Denver comedy scene. | ||
| Like, her supporting those two clubs, the Comedy Works, which are two of the best clubs in the country, she's the reason why there's a scene in Denver. | ||
| But she's the best-case scenario. | ||
| She's a cool person. | ||
| She loves comedy. | ||
| She's fun to be around. | ||
| She does it right. | ||
| But then you got, like, a Babbitt that you gotta deal with his shit, or you got a Tom that you gotta deal with his shit. | ||
| Well, I didn't have to deal with it, but you had to deal with it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And these people, they're responsible for the fucking scene. | ||
| They're a big part of the scene. | ||
| Babbitt was responsible for the scene. | ||
| It's obvious. | ||
| Once he left, the scene went away. | ||
| He was a key cog in that wheel, you know? | ||
| And when you got a person like Wendy or a person like Babbitt that's like a big player in the whole scene, like, they're so important. | ||
| Because otherwise, all you have is L.A. and New York, and Chicago barely has a scene. | ||
| What's the Chicago scene like? | ||
| Chicago's ripping and rocking. | ||
| Is it ripping and rocking now? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Which club? | ||
| You got Zany's, which is... | ||
| Downtown's a great club. | ||
| Do they have an open mic tonight? | ||
| I don't know, but the Laugh Factory is doing great. | ||
| Brian Morton, my buddy, is fucking kicking ass over there as the manager. | ||
| They have an open... | ||
| Are they developing local talent, though? | ||
| Dog, he sells out on Friday and Saturday with no headliners. | ||
| He is... | ||
| That's how good Brian Morton's going after it. | ||
| Brian Morton walked into that laugh factory and said, I want to be a county manager. | ||
| And Jay Masada said, well, buddy, who's your favorite comedian? | ||
| He said, Joey Diaz and Irie motherfucking Shafir. | ||
| He said the guy turned pale. | ||
| He hired him, and the dude's over there ripping that fucking place apart. | ||
| So who, does he have local guys? | ||
| Local guys. | ||
| Oh, so he's got a local scene. | ||
| But Zaney's is great. | ||
| That one in Richmond or the other one, Zaney's has three of them. | ||
| Yeah, there's, um, what's the one that's just outside? | ||
| The airport is tremendous. | ||
| That's tremendous. | ||
| I've done the other one that's just outside. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a great club. | ||
| Oh, I would shoot a special there. | ||
| I went off. | ||
| So who's doing the open mic nights, though? | ||
| There's a couple clubs now. | ||
| There's a couple. | ||
| There's one other club in Chicago. | ||
| The Laugh Factory is doing a lot of open mics. | ||
| This is a comedy you've seen in a lot of places now. | ||
| You'd be surprised. | ||
| You know Mike Epps bought a club in Miami? | ||
| He did? | ||
| Miami, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does he live down there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know the particulars. | ||
| I just heard that. | ||
| But there's a lot of comedy going on. | ||
| Do you think you would ever want to own a club? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It seems like it would be a huge fucking headache. | ||
| It would be a huge headache depending on how you did it. | ||
| I think that the clubs they're opening now are huge headaches because, A, there's a couple of weeks, a couple of years ago, I was in the mood for Dairy Queen. | ||
| I go, Terry, there's no fucking Dairy Queen. | ||
| We gotta go all the way to Northridge. | ||
| What if the Northridge had the Dairy Queen tasted like dick? | ||
| The reason why is because these had these fucking people that never grew up on Dairy Queen. | ||
| They bought it as an investment. | ||
| They mixed it with Orange Julius, and they don't know nothing. | ||
| They're from another country, and they went to somebody, and they thought that was the best thing. | ||
| When I go to the Dairy Queen in Tennessee, that motherfucker's owned it for 41 years. | ||
| When you go in there, you can tell he knows his ice cream. | ||
| Same thing with some of these comedy clubs now. | ||
| For some people, they're investments and they come and go. | ||
| It's the people who really love comedy. | ||
| And I will tell you one thing. | ||
| Wendy was there when I walked into that club in 1991. January 18th, June 18th, 1991, when I walked into that comedy club, Wendy was there. | ||
| I'm gonna tell you something else. | ||
| Wendy was doing things at that club. | ||
| 24 years ago that nobody else was doing. | ||
| She was putting motherfuckers in like Bobby Collins on a Tuesday. | ||
| And Wednesday. | ||
| Nobody was doing that. | ||
| Then having a different headliner come in Wednesday and Thursday. | ||
| Then have a different headliner come in Friday and Saturday. | ||
| Don't tell me because I was there. | ||
| Wendy is really good at what she does. | ||
| Wendy is one of the top three comedy people in this country. | ||
| Wendy can make a call and shut your fucking lights out if she really wants to. | ||
| Wendy deals with everybody. | ||
| Everybody likes Wendy. | ||
| Wendy loves comedy. | ||
| When Wendy dreams at night, she dreams of an orgy, but there's a comedy guy on TV doing stand-up while she's getting fucked. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's Wendy. | ||
| Wendy knows comedy. | ||
| I respect Wendy. | ||
| I never had a problem with Wendy. | ||
| Wendy asked me to leave, and I wasn't mad at her. | ||
| It was business. | ||
| It wasn't my comedy. | ||
| It wasn't that she hated me. | ||
| It was something that happened. | ||
| She's a real... | ||
| I never used Wendy. | ||
| I'm talking about 50% of these people. | ||
| That they actually become the end-all, be-all in comedy, and we're scared of them. | ||
| And they fuck with us. | ||
| They fuck with you, Joe. | ||
| They fuck with you on a lot of levels. | ||
| But do you imagine what it would be like to fucking deal with comedians? | ||
| I mean, they developed this... | ||
| It's like, if you deal... | ||
| Like, if you're a woman, okay? | ||
| And you're walking down the street, and everywhere you go, men are fucking cat-calling you and yelling shit at you and freaking you out, and you run into a guy in an elevator, you're automatically gonna be like, what? | ||
| You know, you're automatically gonna be like, Jesus Christ, another guy? | ||
| Like, I'm tired of getting hit on by guys. | ||
| If you're a fucking owner of a comedy club, and you're dealing with wacko comedians all day long, constantly, think about all the people that we know that are fucking crazy. | ||
| Crazy, crazy. | ||
| All the people that we've dealt with over the years at the store. | ||
| I, I, I... All the Barry Diamonds. | ||
| We're the craziest bunch in the world, but there's a certain way to deal with it. | ||
| There used to be a guy in San Francisco at the punchline that you'd hatch or whatever his fucking name. | ||
| It was another cunt. | ||
| That you'd go up there and there was no list. | ||
| He'd point at you to tell you he was next. | ||
| And you had to sit there like an ugly girl at the prom and hope that he would put you up. | ||
| And after there was 50 people at the end of the night, he'd go, all right, everybody gone. | ||
| See you next week. | ||
| It was like on the waterfront when those people went and they would get called on. | ||
| Union jobs, right. | ||
| In the morning. | ||
| You're working today. | ||
| You're working. | ||
| You're working. | ||
| The rest of you go home. | ||
| He did it in a way to make you feel bad. | ||
| Todd Sawyer did the same thing to people at Cubs. | ||
| They used to do an open mic on Mondays. | ||
| I heard people used to call them. | ||
| Club owners would go, I'm sending Joe Rogan up there to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Then he'd come up and think, I don't have a spot for you. | ||
| Bitch, I came all the way up to San Francisco on a Monday. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Those are the douchey things. | ||
| How about Jamie makes people wait in front of the Laugh Factory? | ||
| He makes them sign up in the morning and wait all day in the sun. | ||
| In LA. It's a hundred fucking degrees outside and there's a line around the side of the building of people waiting to go on stage for three minutes. | ||
| And that's actually waiting in line to go next week. | ||
| You have to wait in that whole entire line just to sign up for next week's show where you have to wait in line again. | ||
| It didn't used to be like that. | ||
| It used to be the week of. | ||
| Okay, I knew you were. | ||
| You go someplace and they sign you up and you come back and I say, listen, you get as many minutes as people you bring. | ||
| You're earning your keep. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| I'd rather know where I stand than get fucked with. | ||
| That's the leg I'm talking about. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You need a tape of me. | ||
| You just saw him at the store. | ||
| What the fuck do you need? | ||
| If I'm good enough for Mitzi Shaw, why do you want a tape? | ||
| Who the fuck are you in your fucking shit town to want a tape from me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm at the fucking major league of fucking comedy, the comedy store. | |
| You call me and you want a tape? | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| I'm not sending you a fucking tape. | ||
| It's against my fucking will. | ||
| It's like these people now with movies and TV. Joey, they want you to do a co-star, but they want you to send the reel. | ||
| No, don't send shit. | ||
| Joey, but they... | ||
| No, it's a co-star. | ||
| They could offer it to me. | ||
| And if they don't, fine. | ||
| I'll do my podcast and I'll live another week. | ||
| That's the mind. | ||
| And eventually they'll go, this motherfucker isn't gonna. | ||
| We might as well give it to him. | ||
| I'm not doing it for that. | ||
| You want me to fucking be a guest star or reoccur? | ||
| You want to give me a series regular? | ||
| I'll give you a fucking tape and I'll fucking come down and talk to you. | ||
| But for a co-star, we've been doing this. | ||
| Look at the IMDB. What fucking tape? | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| Who the fuck are you to decide? | ||
| Let me see your fucking tape. | ||
| Let me see your fucking tape. | ||
| I ain't sending, you know, fucking tape. | ||
| Even then, I had my fucking pride. | ||
| Even then, I wouldn't send the fucking tape to him. | ||
| I refused. | ||
| I finally sent him the blank tape. | ||
| He gave me that answer, and I never had respect for none of them again. | ||
| Because I found that it was a power play. | ||
| It was like, you're on my court. | ||
| You know, you want to give me some respect. | ||
| What respect? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| You're a pimp. | ||
| You take 20% of what people come to the fucking door. | ||
| What the fuck do you do? | ||
| What have you done? | ||
| You can't even play the fucking ukulele. | ||
| What the fuck do you do? | ||
| You can't even play the fucking ukulele. | ||
| What the fuck have you done? | ||
| That's my... | ||
| That's where I'm coming from. | ||
| I didn't want to insult club owners of Babbitt. | ||
| They did great jobs. | ||
| It was the shit they pulled. | ||
| That I didn't fucking like. | ||
| I used to bring Joey on the road with me, like, way back in the day. | ||
| We started going on the road together, what, in, like, the late 90s? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We started going on the road together, and I would bring him to clubs, and they would go, you know, I just don't think your friend is a good fit for this club. | ||
| I mean, it's, you know, I'm like, what are you, do you not hear the people laughing? | ||
| I go, they're all laughing. | ||
| You hear all those people laughing. | ||
| Yeah, it's just not our kind of comedy. | ||
| I go, what kind of comedy is that? | ||
| I go, you don't like funny comedy? | ||
| Like, you know, I've had guys tell me that he makes me look bad. | ||
| This is, like, way back in the day. | ||
| It's before people knew who he was. | ||
| And they were like, you know, let's just say we just don't think he's that good and it's just not what we want for our club. | ||
| And I'd be like, I'd open the door, listen to that. | ||
| You hear everybody laughing? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You know, they'd have these ideas, especially in the 90s. | ||
| They had ideas of, like, what comedy was. | ||
| And there was a lot of pressure to be clean. | ||
| There was a lot more push now before the Internet. | ||
| Once the internet came along, slowly but surely, it sort of expanded everybody's idea of what's acceptable. | ||
| Like, even things on television are so, like, look at the fucking scene in The Walking Dead. | ||
| I don't want to tell you, spoiler alert, where they hit the people over the head with the baths and they cut their throats. | ||
| That was on fucking cable television. | ||
| It's not on HBO. I mean, and they showed it in the most graphic way possible. | ||
| I don't think people would have accepted that before the internet had come along. | ||
| I don't think people accept that. | ||
| But now, like, our ideas of what you can say and what you can't say, they're all so different. | ||
| And you can get famous from the internet. | ||
| And because Joey's become famous from the internet, you know, I get to say, like, see? | ||
| I fucking told you. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| You were wrong. | ||
| You had this idea that everybody had to fit in your cookie cutter world. | ||
| And they thought that I was like a sick fuck for thinking that you were funny. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not the only one. | ||
| Like, you're not hearing the rest of the crowd, but until someone comes along and puts you on a television show or puts you in a movie, then they don't want to take that chance. | ||
| They don't want to take the chance on this wild man. | ||
| You know, it was you, it was Ari. | ||
| Duncan was the only one that nobody ever complained about. | ||
| Nobody ever complained about me taking Duncan somewhere. | ||
| You know, because he's a good joke writer, but he's also not... | ||
| Well, he is now. | ||
| He's gotten much more offensive. | ||
| Like, lately, over the last, like, three years. | ||
| That's a new joke he's got again. | ||
| I don't want to spoiler alert it, but he's got some great fucking jokes. | ||
| But it was this idea that comedy couldn't... | ||
| It couldn't be, like, what goes on at the store. | ||
| It had to be, like, what they saw on MTV. It had to be what they saw on Comedy Central. | ||
| You know, it had to be censorship. | ||
| Listen, Joe, they saw... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, Lisa's a really good marketer. | ||
| You don't know what they're gonna go for. | ||
| What comes out of my mouth... | ||
| I've seen people say worse than me, and they love them. | ||
| And they love them. | ||
| You know, I remember going for a showcase for two and a half men before the show even started. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| They were looking for comedians, for sidekicks at the Laugh Factory ten years ago. | ||
| We all went on a Monday night, and the thing about me was they really liked me, but he's a little too dirty for our show. | ||
| I never watched the show until about five years ago. | ||
| One day I was in a hotel and I put it on. | ||
| The whole show was about sex. | ||
| It was all about Charlie Sheen being a pervert. | ||
| Being a pervert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, what was your point that night? | |
| Embarrassing me to tell me I was dirty and I wasn't for your thing? | ||
| I always found that you got picked on a little. | ||
| As an example, as a comedy and magic club, I remember he thought you were too dirty, but then Ari was allowed to go on and Ari was a million times dirty. | ||
| He was a gentleman because he told me to my face. | ||
| That guy from the Comedy Magic Club, I give him the utmost respect because he told me on a Saturday night after I went there and bombed, he pulled me aside and he goes, Joey, I think this is the last time you came down here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what the fuck up with him is? | |
| And I'm not mad at that guy. | ||
| He's got that Jay Leno crowd. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he told me to my face and that's all I want. | ||
| Doug, Doug, Joe Rogan, and I know that you... | ||
| I've been fucked with a little bit, and that's why I am as defensive as I am. | ||
| I don't have time for these people, and I didn't have time for them. | ||
| Once I made up my mind that I was working hard and that I was doing the right thing, I didn't let people influence me. | ||
| I didn't want to go to Montreal no more. | ||
| They can't... | ||
| They don't hold on. | ||
| Since 2004, I haven't wanted to do nothing. | ||
| I don't want to do nothing they're a part of. | ||
| You don't see me. | ||
| I don't bother nobody. | ||
| I'm in my own circle. | ||
| Nobody sees me. | ||
| I go to the store. | ||
| I'm not a part of the... | ||
| I don't want to. | ||
| They don't want me, and I don't want to include. | ||
| But I'm going to keep doing what the fuck I do, and I'm just going to keep getting funnier. | ||
| And I'm going to keep getting funnier. | ||
| I'm going to get a hold of this. | ||
| And you're going to be... | ||
| Where the fuck are you going to be? | ||
| You're gonna keep saying you don't like my style of comedy? | ||
| How bad are you gonna look? | ||
| That's been my life since day one, dog. | ||
| I've always been trying to prove somebody fucking off of something. | ||
| No, they don't like me. | ||
| I can't be trusted. | ||
| Well, I'm still fucking here 15 years later, and there's been no problems, and nobody's missing a fucking head. | ||
| So for you people who couldn't trust me, you're wrong, too. | ||
| If I wanted to rob you, I would have robbed you a long fucking time ago. | ||
| It would be my pleasure to rob somebody who would talk shit about me. | ||
| That's how I roll. | ||
| Is your nose stuffed up or is there something wrong with your microphone? | ||
| Your nose is not working at all, is it? | ||
| Do you want to blow it? | ||
| I did, I went before, but it's just... | ||
| Do you want some tissue paper or something? | ||
| Yeah, I can excuse myself. | ||
| I'm sorry, guys. | ||
| I just thought there was something wrong with your microphone. | ||
| I was hearing that weird crackling noise. | ||
| I thought it was staticking out or something like that. | ||
| I see what they do to people. | ||
| I see what they've done to people. | ||
| And I can sit here and cry. | ||
| Some amount of energy is, you know, it's good to recognize it and to see what it is. | ||
| But, you know, some amount of energy, when you start talking about it too much, it becomes a waste of time. | ||
| And now, the best line Eddie Griffin ever said was when he went to see Amistad, he saw white people walking out covering their faces. | ||
| I love seeing people that didn't like me ten years ago. | ||
| I smile at him, and I wave my fingers. | ||
| Well, do you remember that one time, let's not mention any names, but there was this one agent that would tell me that you weren't talented. | ||
| And then one day, you and I were in first class, and he walked past us, the coach. | ||
| And Joey was laughing at him. | ||
| Look at this fucking mama. | ||
| Get back there where you belong. | ||
| You know, it's hilarious. | ||
| Filthy animals. | ||
| I think these guys get a little God complex, and they're not God, because they don't know the work and the effort we put into it. | ||
| It hurt my feelings, and a lot of it hurt my feelings. | ||
| Well, you win, Joey. | ||
| But it was the best thing they ever did, because it's like... | ||
| They made it hard for you. | ||
| Yeah, they made it hard for me, and now they're not around. | ||
| There's so many people who are not around anymore, who I thought would be around forever, including a lot of comics. | ||
| Who came to the store fucking barreling through the store, Montreal, deals, this and that, and they fucking disappeared. | ||
| And then there's guys like me and Ari. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I'm gonna tell you something to your face right now. | ||
| You too, red man. | ||
| What Ari did in front of me in Vegas is some of the best material I've heard in the last two years. | ||
| I'm going to tell you that right now. | ||
| The biggie small stuff, and the thing about shit in China, guys, best material I've heard the last two years. | ||
| And for you motherfuckers that had your complaints about it, I remember somebody coming out, a club owner telling me, remember one of his first big jokes is texting and shitting, playing video games? | ||
| I'll never forget that owner saying that was the worst bit he ever heard in his life, and me going, another fucking moron that doesn't know anything about what we're doing. | ||
| Well, it was the same thing. | ||
| It was like, there was no TV credits, and I would bring you guys to open, and they would just decide that you weren't ready or you weren't good or that I was picking the wrong horse. | ||
| And, you know, they would tell me that. | ||
| They would tell me that, like, these guys, they're not that talented. | ||
| I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| Like, I know what funny is. | ||
| I've been around funny for a long time. | ||
| If I was a talent scout, I mean, my record for picking guys to open for me that are funny, that turn out to be big headliners, it's undisputed. | ||
| Undisputed? | ||
| Every one of them. | ||
| Everybody became a big headliner. | ||
| You know, all of them. | ||
| It's like, comics know what's good. | ||
| And you're not going to be good every night. | ||
| There's not going to be good every joke. | ||
| Every time you try new shit, you run the risk of it not working. | ||
| But the guys who try new shit are the guys who are good. | ||
| And the guys, you know, sometimes the sets go bad. | ||
| Sometimes things go awry. | ||
| But that's because you're taking chances. | ||
| It's this cookie-cutter, bland, non-offensive stuff. | ||
| That's not exciting to me. | ||
| What's exciting to me is people that do wild shit and take chances. | ||
| But when you don't have credits, man, they automatically assume... | ||
| Look, I experienced that. | ||
| The difference between... | ||
| In my experience, it happened for me really quickly. | ||
| But the difference between how people reacted to me before I was on TV and how they reacted after I was on television, like the gigs that I could get, places that I could work, I had the same act. | ||
| But all of a sudden, just one or two TV credits, and all of a sudden they let me in. | ||
| All those early TV credits that I got, like Caroline's Comedy Hour and MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour, as soon as I got that, I was in. | ||
| It's just like they needed a pass. | ||
| They needed to be able to say, oh, this guy's approved by a higher power. | ||
| You know, whether it's MTV or whatever it is. | ||
| And then you're on a sitcom. | ||
| Like, you could work anywhere. | ||
| When I was a kid and I watched Pryor, you know? | ||
| Jamie Vernon. | ||
| Can't hold his bladder. | ||
| And I used to watch Pryor, whatever. | ||
| Ken is in it. | ||
| Brian Redband. | ||
| Gonna pee on him. | ||
| I always thought that was the best time for comedy in our lives. | ||
| But I gotta tell you something right now. | ||
| In the last 100 years, and I'm not talking this out of my ass, you could go home and think about what the fuck I'm telling you. | ||
| Right now is the best time that comedy has ever been. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they gave us greats. | ||
| They gave us Gleason. | ||
| They gave us this guy. | ||
| They gave us that guy. | ||
| And how good really were they, you know? | ||
| Now, today, what we have is we have what you fucking idiots buy into, the shit that they shoved down your throat. | ||
| But guess what's also happened? | ||
| The underground has become mainstream because of the internet. | ||
| So the shit that they were pushing at you 20 years ago, the shit they're pushing at you at these fucking comedy channels anymore, it's not the end-all be-all now. | ||
| You motherfuckers are figuring it out for yourselves that they've been shoving shit down our fucking throats. | ||
| Well, you know, what I know is there was this period of time for more than ten years where they were focusing on what they thought, what the agents and the managers thought was clever or inside comedy. | ||
| Like comedy that the comedians thought was appropriate. | ||
| Or that like certain groups thought was appropriate. | ||
| Like you got that alternative movement and they were trying to push that hard. | ||
| Like this was the hip guy to be attached to. | ||
| This was the hip guy. | ||
| How many of those guys did we want just fucking die? | ||
| Die. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Die. | ||
| Die. | ||
| And they walked around like they were doing something different. | ||
| Yeah, like what they were doing, even though it wasn't funny, it was better. | ||
| It was better. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Because somehow or another, you were, you were, because you talked about getting your dick sucked or doing coke, like, oh, he's, ugh. | ||
| Who wants to hear that? | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| That's what you're missing. | ||
| You're missing, like... | ||
| And that's one of the things that freed us with podcasts, because you don't have to constantly, like, express yourself in a way where people have this, uh... | ||
| You know, this idea of you on stage. | ||
| You don't have to present who you are. | ||
| Everybody already knows you. | ||
| They know who you are. | ||
| So when you're talking about something on stage, this is what I think is funny about this. | ||
| You don't have to, like, what is his philosophy? | ||
| How does he feel about the New World Order? | ||
| What is his thoughts on chemtrails? | ||
| How does he feel about, is he equal rights? | ||
| Is he pro-choice? | ||
| You don't have to say any of that. | ||
| Like, you don't have to establish yourself as a left-wing guy or a right-wing guy. | ||
| But that was, like, a big part of comedy for a while. | ||
| It was, like, people would do stuff that would establish themselves. | ||
| Like, guys would say things that weren't funny at all. | ||
| But, like, you know, if you want to... | ||
| Like, Bill Hicks had a fucking bit about if you want, you know, if you want people to not have abortions, you fucking raise those kids. | ||
| You fucking raise those kids. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Where's the joke? | ||
| There was no joke in it. | ||
| Because back then, if you had an important point, you wanted to sandwich that point in between jokes. | ||
| Because in people, a lot of times to this day, people get upset at that comedy. | ||
| And rightly so. | ||
| And they say it's preachy. | ||
| You're using your time on stage to preach instead of to be funny. | ||
| And you can do both. | ||
| And if you're not doing both, you're taking a shortcut. | ||
| Because you have an advantage. | ||
| You're on stage. | ||
| If you're on stage and you start talking about something, you have a point of view about Republicans or Democrats, and it's not funny. | ||
| It's just your opinion. | ||
| If I'm in the audience, I'm like, I disagree. | ||
| You know, I think this. | ||
| My opinion, it differs. | ||
| I don't want to hear your opinion. | ||
| How come I can't talk about my opinion? | ||
| But if you go on stage with your opinion and you make me laugh, Well, that's different. | ||
| Because then, like, you've planted an idea in my head that I might not ordinarily accept ever. | ||
| But you've made me laugh with it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And, like, Ari says fucked up shit all the time that I don't agree with. | ||
| But it's hilarious. | ||
| Because he's not necessarily even saying it because he agrees with it. | ||
| He's saying it because it's a funnier thing to say. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You do that, too. | ||
| You say shit on stage, I know you don't really mean. | ||
| But it's fucking funny. | ||
| And I talk about it. | ||
| I talked about it in my last special. | ||
| It's a very important point that we do. | ||
| We say shit we don't really mean because it's funnier. | ||
| That's what comedy is. | ||
| And for the longest time, there was this idea that comedy had to adhere to, like, Certain rules in order for it to be highbrow or certain rules for it to be considered alternative or sophisticated or, you know, this is progressive stand-up comedy. | ||
| But you're missing the funny part. | ||
| It's missing a lot of that. | ||
| To become this other thing, to fit into this ideology, to be accepted, you're missing a lot of the funny. | ||
| It's not in there. | ||
| There's certain things you don't talk about. | ||
| You won't talk about sex. | ||
| You don't ever talk about sex? | ||
| Like, you're on stage, you don't talk about sex. | ||
| That seems ridiculous to me. | ||
| Like, that seems outrageous. | ||
| And someone says, like, oh, how could this guy be good? | ||
| He's doing jokes about... | ||
| I've heard people say that. | ||
| Like, you're telling me this guy's doing jokes about jerking off. | ||
| Like, yeah, that's really challenging. | ||
| I'm not asking him to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. | ||
| I'm asking him to tell jokes that are funny, that make me laugh. | ||
| I want good stuff, you know? | ||
| And it doesn't matter what it's about. | ||
| If it's funny, it's fucking funny. | ||
| And those people had this idea. | ||
| And for the longest time, they pushed that idea. | ||
| But now the floodgates are broken. | ||
| Now they're like, ah! | ||
| Fucking the Brody Stevens are running through. | ||
| I mean, everybody's running through. | ||
| And Brody could be mainstream. | ||
| Brody's like squeaky clean. | ||
| But it's like nobody could figure out what to do with Brody. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, people realize, like, we got to put him on TV in some way. | ||
| Like, he's fucking goddamn hilarious. | ||
| Like, how can we figure out a way to get that guy on TV? And you're the same thing. | ||
| And Ari's the same thing. | ||
| It's like, The internet has allowed people to see what you really are. | ||
| You know, it allowed people to see the internet. | ||
| And all they had to do was, like, see the numbers of the podcast that get downloaded, and then they go, well, I guess we gotta get on board here. | ||
| And then they all just get on board. | ||
| It's 2015, and a lot of these comedy clubs don't even know about what a podcast is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And I'm like, this is your realm of business, and you have no idea how to, you know, no, I'm not doing a podcast. | ||
| You guys have no idea. | ||
| You just want somebody to come in. | ||
| No, no, you guys have no idea, no concept. | ||
| How can you not have no concept? | ||
| You're in your fucking entertainment business. | ||
| They'll know within a year or two. | ||
| Within a year or two, everyone will know. | ||
| And it'll be the most important thing that they invest in. | ||
| Every comedy club, if you have a local scene, every comedy club should have a podcast. | ||
| You should have your own podcast. | ||
| How hard is that? | ||
| You got a guy coming in for a week, you tell him, hey, come down. | ||
| You're going to do this radio station. | ||
| You're going to do that radio station. | ||
| You're going to do our podcast for an hour. | ||
| We'll put our podcast up that day. | ||
| Everybody is addicted to the podcast. | ||
| They know who the guys are that are going to be on that week. | ||
| Hey, Nick DiPaolo's in town. | ||
| He's going to be doing the blah, blah, blah club podcast, you know? | ||
| The fucking Ice House Chronicles podcast or the fucking Flappers finale podcast. | ||
| Whatever the fuck, you know, name it up, the Comedy Store Countdown, you know, whatever the hell. | ||
| Every club should have its own shit. | ||
| So, like, you have the guy who's, you know, maybe not the store, because it's not like a headline club for the weekend, but any club that's like Zany's in Nashville, they should have an hour podcast. | ||
| They release every week with the headliner. | ||
| How hard would that be? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Have a local guy host it. | ||
| Have them understand that the idea is to just shoot the shit with the... | ||
| You know, if you had a good local guy, you could do it. | ||
| And you'd do it under the name of the comedy club. | ||
| Or maybe even switch hosts out. | ||
| Like, maybe you have the middle guy in the headliner every week do a podcast together. | ||
| You would get a lot of people addicted, first of all, addicted to that podcast and excited about going to the club that week. | ||
| That weekend. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, how hard is that to do? | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| You know who's been doing that for a while is Atlanta, haven't they? | ||
| Because I remember interviewing you a long time ago. | ||
| Jamie, yeah. | ||
| Fuck, yeah, that was... | ||
| Jesus, that was like when we first started doing podcasts. | ||
| Even longer than that, maybe. | ||
| Did he have a podcast before we did? | ||
| Yeah, I remember him interviewing you in the office. | ||
| And this was like when you threw me up on stage the first time back from my break, which was like... | ||
| I'm gonna say six years ago or so. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It was probably before we even started ours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he had a good sense of it. | ||
| Well, that's a good club, too, that fosters local talent. | ||
| There's a lot of local guys that come out of Atlanta that they're actually moving the punchline. | ||
| You hear that? | ||
| They're losing their location. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah, they're moving to another spot. | ||
| They apparently always had an issue with parking there and apparently just got too much. | ||
| Atlanta opened up an improv. | ||
| In that green room. | ||
| Did they? | ||
| An improv opened up in Atlanta. | ||
| Brian Callum did it. | ||
| Oh, did he? | ||
| They have that Laughing Skull, too. | ||
| It's a great fucking spot. | ||
| Laughing Skull's a great spot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm gonna tell you something else about Wendy and her defense. | ||
| In 1994, Wendy hired two headliners to help the open micers develop. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| Hired them, like, to help them write their material? | ||
| Hired them, so you would meet at six at the Comedy Works, she'd buy, she'd cater it, get, like, tacos, and you sat around, and you wrote material with the headliner, and then you went and did the open mic, and the headliner graded you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| A lot of clubs, 1994, Matt Woods was the guy who gave me the talk, who told me, get your life together, don't come back here, you're funny, but you're wasting your time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's how I got that. | ||
| She used to pay Matt Woods. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And she paid a couple other guys, man. | ||
| So that's how much she had foresight. | ||
| Like, she really believes in developing. | ||
| They give you three minutes once a month at the Comedy Works. | ||
| That's what it used to be. | ||
| Then you had to work around town. | ||
| You had to do McKelvey's, Wits End, you had to do those open mics, you know? | ||
| But Wendy always did try to homegrown her own comics. | ||
| You know, all those holidays, she puts locals, you know? | ||
| Any time she could sneak locals in there, you know, her lineup is killers. | ||
| A lot of people used to bring their own people because they didn't like working there. | ||
| Because she'd have Rick Kearns, you know, Todd Jordan, Steve McGrew, and some guy had to come in and follow her. | ||
| It was hard for them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So the guys would bring in their own acts because the local guys were too strong? | ||
| She always had help. | ||
| So it's like the Comedy Store. | ||
| So what if I call the Comedy Store and say, all right, I'm coming in for the weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| I'm working it, but there's no feature or emcee. | ||
| It's the Comedy Store lineup. | ||
| So I'll go in and it's you, Maren, and Sebastian, and I'm going up the headline. | ||
| I don't want to follow that mess. | ||
| That's work, Jack. | ||
| So a lot of people started bringing their own. | ||
| Wendy's very smart. | ||
| Wendy had a club in Tampa. | ||
| When the Comedy Forks first, when I first got involved with the Comedy Forks, they had Tampa and Fort Collins. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And Wendy used to send me up to Fort Collins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tampa, Florida? | |
| Tampa, Florida. | ||
| And Fort Collins. | ||
| I used to go to Fort Collins. | ||
| When I first started, Wendy sent me to Fort Collins every Tuesday, every Monday or something, Wednesday. | ||
| They did an open mic. | ||
| Four comics did... | ||
| Five minutes, and then they started the regular show. | ||
| And then they closed Fort Collins, they closed Tampa, and they kept Denver, because Denver was her bread and butter. | ||
| Wasn't she gonna open in Chicago at one point in time, too? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| But Wendy's very smart, man. | ||
| Wendy knows that you're not gonna do the job, nobody's gonna do the job you're doing unless they love comedy as much as you do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wendy's very hands-on. | ||
| Yeah, and get somebody to run your club. | ||
| That loves... | ||
| You know, you've been to a club. | ||
| When you walk in, you're like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These people don't know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| This guy was at an Olive Garden for eight years, pushing spaghetti. | ||
| Now he's doing comedy. | ||
| It doesn't fucking translate. | ||
| The Chicago Improv. | ||
| Remember the guy was watching us? | ||
| We couldn't smoke dope. | ||
| We couldn't bring people up on stage. | ||
| Remember we came out to... | ||
| We had some craziness going on once, and they were freaking out. | ||
| They were like, he's got people on stage with him. | ||
| Yeah, we can't have it. | ||
| Nobody in the green room. | ||
| We came out to Bob Marley, Exodus. | ||
| Oh, I don't know, we have this dentist music. | ||
| We're going to a con. | ||
| We're like, no, this is dumb. | ||
| Yeah, they were trying to do some goofy shit. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| There's two things that happened. | ||
| There was, like, two shifts in bringing you guys on the road with me. | ||
| The first one was, like, people didn't want you guys because you were too dirty. | ||
| But the second one was, why are you bringing these guys? | ||
| They're too good. | ||
| There's, like, there was a shift somewhere, like, in the 2000s. | ||
| Where, you know, I tell people, you know, Joey Diaz comes on the road with me, like, they're like, you have Joey Diaz open for you on purpose? | ||
| Like, why the fuck would you do that? | ||
| But it's what you were talking about with this Denver thing, like, people don't want to follow people that are strong, like, funny acts, but doesn't that make it fun for everybody? | ||
| It makes it fun for everybody. | ||
| Why is that a bad thing? | ||
| It should be the opposite attitude. | ||
| If you've worked on your comedy, and your comedy is good, you should be excited that the whole show is really good. | ||
| And you just ride that wave. | ||
| Especially if you are friends with the guys who are on the show with you. | ||
| If you love them. | ||
| You want them to have fun. | ||
| You want everybody to laugh at them because you love them. | ||
| Like we did this show we just did in Vegas. | ||
| That fucking show was amazing. | ||
| That was a fun show. | ||
| It was Ari, Duncan, Joey, me. | ||
| And the Mirage, that fucking Terry Fedor showroom is so good. | ||
| They set it up for that ventriloquist dude. | ||
| So the voice has to be perfect. | ||
| You have to be able to hear his voice. | ||
| So the speaker system is amazing. | ||
| I was in the back of the room. | ||
| I could hear everything, like crystal clear. | ||
| When you were on stage, I was in the back of the room, not this time, but one of the other times we did it, you hear everything you say crystal clear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's perfect. | |
| It's an amazing room. | ||
| But just to emphasize that, you know, a lot of comics listen to these shows, these podcasts, and they walked around like I did, fucking scared, you know? | ||
| And then one day I got it. | ||
| I'm like, fuck these bitches. | ||
| This is my motherfucking playing field. | ||
| And if they don't like it, they're gonna go down. | ||
| And my life changed. | ||
| My comedy changed. | ||
| My outlook changed. | ||
| You know, I let them scare me the same way I let people scare me about life, you know, when I was young. | ||
| And then went there and said, fuck you, motherfuckers. | ||
| And it's the same thing. | ||
| And I'm happy I did that with comedy. | ||
| I would have been running scared. | ||
| You know, there's club owners that'll come up to you and go, hey, next time there's a club owner that I worked for years ago that'll come up to you and go, hey, man, you should put something on that joke. | ||
| And then after you got off the second show, he's like, you didn't add my tag. | ||
| Bitch, I don't fucking know you. | ||
| Who said that to you? | ||
| There's some fucking jerkhole that's still around. | ||
| I don't want to, you know. | ||
| He would come up to me and say, oh, this tag would sound better. | ||
| Get the, you know, get the fuck out of my head. | ||
| Then on the way home, he'd tell me again, you got to really use my tag. | ||
| I'm told one day I said, Doug, when was the last time you were on fucking stage? | ||
| I'm not going to use your fucking tag. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Then after that, he would hire me and wouldn't talk to me the whole weekend. | ||
| Get the fuck out of my face, all right? | ||
| I don't fucking use your tag, guy. | ||
| You know, we work hard at what we do, but you gotta respect that. | ||
| It's like a plumber or an electrician coming to my house and me telling them how to fucking do his job. | ||
| What the fuck am I? You booked me, now you gonna tell me how the fuck to do it? | ||
| Get the fuck out of my face! | ||
| Well, a lot of them used to be comics. | ||
| There was a lot of guys who got involved in comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, those are the worst! | |
| Those are the worst! | ||
| Those are the worst! | ||
| Barry Cass was a comic. | ||
| Did you know Barry Cass was a comic? | ||
| Early on? | ||
| Yeah, he was a comic. | ||
| But he became a good fucking manager. | ||
| You know, these guys... | ||
| How high are you right now? | ||
| These guys... | ||
| Well, the proof is in the pudding. | ||
| He had Dane, he had a lot of good people. | ||
| Had is a good word. | ||
| That's my point. | ||
| But still, he had them, and he developed them, and they did something while he had them. | ||
| There's people who are comedy club, who are comedians, that one day go, oh, wait a second. | ||
| I'm going to figure out how to make money on these jerk-offs. | ||
| Then they become comedy club owners. | ||
| There's a couple of them with local clubs around here that tell you what to say. | ||
| You can't work clean. | ||
| You can't work clean? | ||
| No, you can't work dirty. | ||
| Oh, you can't work dirty. | ||
| Then they don't want to pay you. | ||
| Oh, come do radio. | ||
| We're not going to give you a hotel. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You're a comic. | ||
| So when I work for a comic, I let them know right off the bat, listen, before this goes any further, you're a comic. | ||
| So I'm not going to have to tell you how to act correctly. | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
| That there's a TV in the green room, that everything's copacetic? | ||
| Because you're a comic. | ||
| And that's when I just don't. | ||
| Well, every time, any time... | ||
| I don't understand what you're saying. | ||
| There's a comic, there's a TV in the green room. | ||
| If you're a fucking comic, there better not be no misunderstandings, because you're a comic and you know the business. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know how we act and you know how it works. | ||
| I don't want to hear no misunderstandings about checks or how the green room should be or there should be sodas in the green room. | ||
| You're a fucking comic. | ||
| If you're a comic and I go to your green room that's the size of a closet, you're not a fucking, you're a scumbag just trying to make money on fucking comics. | ||
| If a comic opens up a room, I want that room to be that much better because you're a comic. | ||
| If a comic opens a room. | ||
| Opens a room. | ||
| Well, how many comics open a room? | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| Brad Garrett. | ||
| A lot of Vegas, you know. | ||
| Brad Garrett's club is supposed to be the shit, man. | ||
| Yeah, and Brad Garrett was the shit. | ||
| That's a big difference. | ||
| He wasn't a bad stand-up. | ||
| I'm talking about guys that were bad stand-ups. | ||
| And then one day go, I'm gonna become a stand-up. | ||
| Then they try to tell you shit when you get there. | ||
| You're like, do me a favor, bro. | ||
| This is not what you're doing. | ||
| You headline, 4th of July and Christmas. | ||
| Come back then. | ||
| Tonight, Uncle Joey's here. | ||
| Get the fuck out of my face. | ||
| If we were gonna buy a club, it would be the Ice House. | ||
| The Ice House would be the comfort club to buy. | ||
| Flappers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Flappers is a beautiful club. | ||
| Well, it's hard to fucking get people to go to a club. | ||
| Think about everybody that goes to the store, everybody that goes to the improv. | ||
| There's only so many guys. | ||
| There's so many clubs that we can work out here. | ||
| When I was preparing for the last Comedy Central special, I was doing the Ha Ha on Tuesday nights. | ||
| I was doing the improv. | ||
| I was doing Irvine occasionally. | ||
| I was doing all these different clubs. | ||
| Ice house, hopping all over the place. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of clubs here. | ||
| This is like, as far as like a hotbed of places to work, this is one of the best spots in the country. | ||
| Have you been in the new ice house yet? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| The new ice house? | ||
| I mean, new ha-ha. | ||
| There's a new ha-ha? | ||
| Oh, the one across the street? | ||
| Supposedly they just had a cold open on January 1st, and I heard it's beautiful. | ||
| Four months ago they were doing shows there. | ||
| No, they... | ||
| They had a show there, they just didn't have... | ||
| It wasn't quite a show. | ||
| It was like an invitation-only party that was not catered with alcohol. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| I haven't seen it, but I heard it's like the Ice House. | ||
| I heard it's like the Ice House main room station. | ||
| It's bigger, though. | ||
| Yeah, it's like the Ice House only sits like 100-something. | ||
| This is like 200-something. | ||
| Yeah, but still small, you know? | ||
| Still, like, maybe a little bit bigger than the OR, you know, but not as big as the main room. | ||
| I did the main room the other night, and then I did the OR afterwards. | ||
| The OR is such a better room. | ||
| It's such a better room. | ||
| OR. It's the best. | ||
| It's such a better room. | ||
| That's the way you're supposed to do comedy. | ||
| Jammed in there, stacked on top of each other, low ceiling. | ||
| It's the most fun. | ||
| And the closest thing to the OR is the San Francisco punchline. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Closest thing to the OR. They just tried to offer me to do the cobs again. | ||
| I said, no, even Ari. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Cubs is a great club, but the punchline is so intimate, I don't care about the money. | ||
| I just want to have a great time. | ||
| I don't fucking give a fuck. | ||
| Just let me go up there and go crazy. | ||
| What do I give a fuck about? | ||
| Yeah, it's worth paying or getting paid less to do that club. | ||
| Yeah, there's just some rooms to that. | ||
| If I opened up a club, I think they're opening up a club with too many moving parts now. | ||
| I think they're getting ahead of themselves. | ||
| And it's like I always say, you put all these smart guys together and they do the dumbest thing in the fucking world. | ||
| You know, I still love this. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| I want to do comedy right there in front of that wall. | ||
| If there's anything else on there, you're wasting my time. | ||
| You want to serve food? | ||
| Go serve it on your own time. | ||
| Just give these motherfuckers stiff fucking drinks. | ||
| Stiff drinks. | ||
| Let them get fucked up and sit there. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You know, really? | ||
| How about 600 seats? | ||
| When do you get 600 people in here? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Kevin Hart's gonna play here? | ||
| Not in your fucking dreams, you dumb fuck. | ||
| Well, they wind up papering a lot of the room. | ||
| Yeah, and it's a waste. | ||
| You need 250, 200, two and a quarter for a great room, brick, a tremendous sound system, sell hot dogs next door or do something special, but after the show, so you don't have to fuck with the waitstaff, and let them go in there and sling drinks, bro. | ||
| Two shows, you know, and get the... | ||
| That's what I would do as a comic. | ||
| The green one would be paradise. | ||
| You know, there's things that you do. | ||
| These people now are opening up clubs thinking that 600 people are gonna show up. | ||
| You know, last night I saw something interesting. | ||
| Again, I was in the room last night and I came out my wife was watching the fucking Emmys whatever the fuck was on last night And who's in the fucking Emmys up there standing killing it but Margaret Cho Dressed as the Korean guy with white powder on her face walking across days like Fidel Castro And I'm thinking about what they put her through 20 years ago and how they did to her and they gave her that ABC show because after the Tim Allen rush After the Tim Allen rush, okay? | ||
| After the Tim Allen and Roseanne rush, something happened. | ||
| The network said, we gotta get a bunch of comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's the idea. | ||
| So they gave Greg Gerardo a show. | ||
| They gave Tom Rhodes a show on NBC. Brett Butler. | ||
| Brett Butler a show on ABC. And they gave that poor Margaret Cho. | ||
| And then they insulted her. | ||
| They told her not to be chinky. | ||
| They were saying all this shit to her. | ||
| You know, be more Chinese. | ||
| They just insulted her insides. | ||
| Then they canceled everybody. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Half of these fucking punks today would fucking crawl under the tree. | ||
| I'm looking at Margaret Cho last time going, I bet Margaret Cho's happy that she didn't fucking quit or bail out or got hooked on drugs. | ||
| Margaret Cho said, fuck you motherfuckers. | ||
| I'm just gonna get stronger as a comic. | ||
| She built up a huge following on the road. | ||
| Whether they're gay or not, they spend And she sells out. | ||
| That bitch is tatted from her head to her fucking toe with fuck you in Korean letters to all these fucking Gentiles. | ||
| And 20 years later, that chick was killing it last night on stage with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, the two hottest comedy chicks in the fucking world. | ||
| How you like me now, bitch? | ||
| What'd they put that fucking chick through 20 years ago? | ||
| They embarrassed her. | ||
| They made her feel like shit. | ||
| They told her to lose weight. | ||
| Do you remember the shit that she came out with years later and they told her she was never gonna work again? | ||
| You're doomed for going against the network. | ||
| How'd she go against the network? | ||
| She told them what they were telling her. | ||
| They'd lose weight. | ||
| There's no fat Asians. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| The shit they were saying to Margaret Cho that she came out and said later. | ||
| Last night, if I was Margaret Cho, I would have took this Cuban disgusting dick out with that fucking foreskin on it and said, here you go, America. | ||
| Yum-yums for a week. | ||
| This ain't a fucking malfunction of a wardrobe. | ||
| This is just to tell you that you can't stop comedians, bro. | ||
| We just get better. | ||
| Don't you know that, you dumb motherfucking club owners and you TV dumb fucking cunts? | ||
| We just get... | ||
| While you're giggling and onto your next mindfuck, we're taking that joke and breaking it down and getting on stage and getting better. | ||
| These fucking people, David Tell, nobody goes to see David Tell. | ||
| He's funniest as he's ever been. | ||
| Because that's all we do, unless we're fucking cunts and go away. | ||
| But we don't go away. | ||
| We don't go away. | ||
| We're worse than fucking roaches. | ||
| You know how proud I was last night for Margaret Cho? | ||
| Do you have any fucking idea dressed up there with a hat on and white fucking thing on her face, dog? | ||
| That 20 years later, she probably thought she was done. | ||
| What do you think when they cancel your show after three seasons? | ||
| What the fuck do you think? | ||
| You're done. | ||
| I didn't quit. | ||
| And that's what these comedy club owners, and that's what all these guys that have an opinion on comics always remember. | ||
| You fucking go away, you worthless fucking faggots. | ||
| You go away. | ||
| You go away. | ||
| We keep going. | ||
| How long did Burns do comedy with to with a fucking cigar in his mouth? | ||
| These motherfuckers don't know nothing about nothing. | ||
| They don't know nothing about nothing. | ||
| That's why now every morning I wake up and I go, somebody's sucking my dick today. | ||
| Someone, one of these TV guys is gonna hear my name. | ||
| Last week they had to drive by the Melrose Improv and see my name there all week and go, that fucking coke, that fat motherfucker did it. | ||
| I didn't do anything. | ||
| I just stayed here. | ||
| Well, you kept working. | ||
| I kept working. | ||
| I didn't give up. | ||
| But everybody doesn't keep working, right? | ||
| Some people get tired. | ||
| I never gave a fuck about none of those cunts with their threats that you're not gonna... | ||
| I don't give a fuck, dog. | ||
| I'm gonna get stronger. | ||
| Once I got off the blow, now they really gotta suck my asshole. | ||
| Now it's two live crew. | ||
| Now they gotta suck my dick in your asshole, too. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Blow your nose. | ||
| Blow your nose, you're killing me. | ||
| The crackling. | ||
| I don't know how you can breathe like that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It reminds me of your old nose, or before you had your operation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| My old nose? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Before it was carved out. | ||
| I was very nasally. | ||
| Just throw it on the ground there. | ||
| No, there's a garbage can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, my old nose was useless. | |
| Joey, maybe you should get your nose carved out. | ||
| Have you had it? | ||
| Does your septum work? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck. | ||
| Can you usually breathe out of your nose? | ||
| Once I get out, I gotta bring spray with me to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You gotta bring what? | ||
| Spray with the jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Always? | ||
| Since I go into a closed guard, I gotta tap out and go spray my nose. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Something about leverage with me or something. | ||
| Then once I clean it out, it's good. | ||
| Ever since I had an ear infection a couple years ago, I went swimming, I had an ear infection, then I went in and I flew. | ||
| And I got fucked up and I went to the doctor and he stuck a fucking probe in my nose. | ||
| My nose has been all fucked up. | ||
| And they sent me their sprays, but their sprays suck. | ||
| I live on fucking Afrin. | ||
| You get addicted to that stuff, too. | ||
| The real issue with those sprays is the inside of your nose gets addicted to that spray and won't open up unless you have it. | ||
| It's very common. | ||
| People get... | ||
| And when your body's responding and wants that shit, it swells up. | ||
| It makes it worse. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| Does your nose ever rage? | ||
| Rage out? | ||
| What's that, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rage against the dying of the light. | |
| Oh, it's not that kind of steroid, silly. | ||
| Well, they gave me... | ||
| I have steroids at the house, and I'm supposed to spray two times in there. | ||
| Addicted to nose spray. | ||
| It's a shame. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm writing addicted to nose spray here, and yeah, nasal spray addiction, is it real? | ||
| Mayo Clinic. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Does cocaine clean it right out, though? | ||
| Like, if you do a bump, will that, we'd be able to breathe immediately? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Cocaine's the best fucking nose. | ||
| The spray they gave me now, the doctor gave me the prescription, if I hit my nose two times, for like five minutes, I go into confusion. | ||
| Because it feels like that. | ||
| It has that thing to it. | ||
| What they're saying is it's not a true addiction because a true addiction, what happens is like you get sick if you don't have it. | ||
| True addiction is a compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance known to be physically, psychologically, or socially harmful. | ||
| What the nasal spray happens is you put that stuff in and after a few days of using it, your nose may become less responsive to the effects of the medication. | ||
| As a result, you need to use more and more of the medication to control congestion or your congestion may worsen if you stop using the medication. | ||
| That happens to people. | ||
| Apparently that happens to people with Xanax too. | ||
| They say there's some sort of a rubber band effect of Xanax. | ||
| Xanax calms your anxiety, but when you start getting off of it, your anxiety heightens and worsens to a place where it probably wouldn't even be if you weren't on it in the first place. | ||
| I think that's what happens with these sprays, too. | ||
| They get you coming and going, Joey Diaz. | ||
| They get you coming and going, these fucks. | ||
| Spraying shit up your nose. | ||
| If you get your nose carved out, though, you know, if you ever want to go and do it, my guy retired. | ||
| My guy, Feinberg and Encino, he was the best. | ||
| He had, like, he was so fucking, he was so patient and meticulous when you would talk to him and take notes with him. | ||
| But he would talk about what people did wrong and what people did right and here's the common errors and here's where they fuck up. | ||
| He had been doing it for fucking years. | ||
| He was like in his 60s when he did my operation. | ||
| But he made my nose whiter. | ||
| Like if I look at photos of my nose before the operation and after, my nose was all sucked. | ||
| I just didn't talk as well. | ||
| I couldn't breathe out of my nose very well. | ||
| My voice sounded different. | ||
| And he stuck these fucking plastic things in there and cut everything out, cut the turbinates out, removed chunks of meat. | ||
| I took photos of it. | ||
| I've got a video of me blowing my nose with the water pick. | ||
| I had photos of the boogers that I would blow out, these bloody, giant hunks. | ||
| They were thumbs. | ||
| I showed it to Tom Segura once in the airport. | ||
| He almost threw up. | ||
| I go, look at that, dude. | ||
| It just came out of my nose. | ||
| Like, you ran away. | ||
| But that guy cleaned my nose out. | ||
| I have two Holland Tunnels, man. | ||
| I'm just like... | ||
| Before that, how was your jiu-jitsu breathing? | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| My cardio got 20% better. | ||
| That's what Dave had jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Regan's guy goes, I think with you, it's a deviated symptom, my friend. | ||
| Oh, I guarantee you that's an issue. | ||
| He goes, I guarantee you'll lose weight because more air goes in there. | ||
| Well, that's what Vandele Silva, when Vandele Silva had his nose fixed, he had all that facial surgery, they took a piece out of his rib and reconstructed his nose and made his nose bigger. | ||
| Like, if you look at Vandele's nose, it's way bigger than it was before, because he had a big chunk in there to open up his nose. | ||
| Like, Vandele ain't trying to look better. | ||
| He's trying to fuck you up. | ||
| When he got his nose fixed, it wasn't good. | ||
| He wanted to look cute, but his nose was completely smashed in and flattened. | ||
| It was like no cartilage at all. | ||
| It was just smashed and flattened. | ||
| And if you look at what his face looked like when he started fighting in the late 90s, as opposed to what he looked like in the early 2000s, his nose was just a pancake. | ||
| And so he had it fixed And stuck way the fuck out. | ||
| Like, way bigger than it was before. | ||
| And all just so he could breathe better and smash your fucking face. | ||
| How funny is Van de Lee Silva? | ||
| It's funny as shit, man. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Right now, they should just call Van de Lee on Van de Lee. | ||
| Truce. | ||
| Just truce. | ||
| What, the UFC? You can't. | ||
| It's the Nevada State Athletic Commission. | ||
| What we're gonna do is this. | ||
| We don't want you to come back. | ||
| During UFC tonight, we're gonna tape you every week just doing this segment. | ||
| That's it, because now... | ||
| Just talk about stuff? | ||
| Because now he has a remark for everything that happens. | ||
| So he stuck up for Jon Jones last week. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, he stuck stuff for everybody, and it's always at the end. | ||
| Dana's at the end of a punching bag or the UFC, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like, Dana, what do you think of Jon Jones? | ||
| Like, they just go to Van Lee, he's like shooting Decker. | ||
| Some guy's rubbing his back and shit. | ||
| And some lady's shooting him in the arm. | ||
| And they're like, Vandley, what do you think of Jon Jones? | ||
| Hey, I give him my heart. | ||
| He had a problem. | ||
| It's the UFC! And that's it, because it always ends with the UFC. The UFC did it. | ||
| Nobody else did it, Vandley. | ||
| Very good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good train. | |
| Good hard train. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very, very... | |
| Dana White, thank you for Dana White. | ||
| Thank you for help. | ||
| Thank you for UFC. Yeah, that guy, he fucked up, man. | ||
| You can't run from a drug test. | ||
| And then he ran from a drug test and then was talking about how the UFC doesn't pay its athletes and all this. | ||
| And then the UFC, okay, you made $9.7 million fighting for us. | ||
| Here's your record. | ||
| The UFC put his record out. | ||
| Like, here's your record. | ||
| Here's how much money we paid you. | ||
| You made $9.7 million. | ||
| I don't know what you think a lot of money is, but a lot of people think $9 million is a lot of money. | ||
| Two years or something, right? | ||
| Well, several years. | ||
| Probably five years he was fighting. | ||
| But the point is, he didn't... | ||
| Five years, he only fought six times. | ||
| That was the other thing. | ||
| Like, you're saying, we work you so hard? | ||
| You're fighting once a year, essentially. | ||
| But not only that, on top of that... | ||
| Like, Vanderlei didn't have a winning record. | ||
| Like, Vanderlei got beat by Chris Lieben. | ||
| Vanderlei got beat by Rampage Jackson knocked him out. | ||
| Like, he got beat by a lot of guys. | ||
| He's a great fighter and a fan favorite, and personally, like, my all-time favorite guy to watch, I think. | ||
| I think if I go back to, like, the Pride days, I love the Pride days for two guys especially. | ||
| Well, three. | ||
| Minotauro in his prime, four. | ||
| Cro-Cop in his prime, Fedor, for sure. | ||
| Fedor was the motherfucker. | ||
| But Vanderlei was a destroyer. | ||
| He was a destroyer. | ||
| He was so aggressive and psychotic and... | ||
| You would watch a Vanderlei fight, you always knew you were going to see some fucking crazy shit. | ||
| That's when they had stomps and soccer kicks, and he's stomping dudes in the head, holding onto the rope, stomping Tamora in the face when he's down. | ||
| I mean, Vanderlei was amazing, man. | ||
| His fights were awesome to watch. | ||
| But you, you know, that hard, hard career and then comes over to the UFC and now he's got, like, really strict drug testing and all this other shit. | ||
| And so when he took off from that drug test, man, I mean, that was just a colossal fuck-up. | ||
| You're better off testing positive. | ||
| If you test positive, they ban you for nine months. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| They fine you. | ||
| They ban you for nine months. | ||
| They tell you you can't fight that guy and, you know, you have to go through a suspension. | ||
| But when you take off... | ||
| They had to send a message. | ||
| They're like, this is for life. | ||
| You can never fight again. | ||
| I personally think that's too much, but the fear of it and the fact that he's going to be out for who knows how many years while he fights it, and if he wins, a lot of people think he will win in court. | ||
| The Nevada State Athletic Commission doesn't have the jurisdiction to test him against his will in between contests because he wasn't licensed for them. | ||
| Like in preparation for licensing, the idea of random drug testing, a lot of people have issues with that, including like Vandley's attorney. | ||
| But the bottom line is they're going to make you go to court. | ||
| You're going to have to do battle. | ||
| And even if you win, they'll let you fight again. | ||
| You still wasted all those years of your life and no one's going to run from a drug test again. | ||
| Because they're going to know that the drug test, like running for it is way worse for you than taking it and failing it. | ||
| That's the message they're trying to send. | ||
| They're trying to clean up the sport. | ||
| There's only one way. | ||
| You've got to take your test. | ||
| And if you fail, well, you have to be punished. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| Otherwise, you're not playing by the rules. | ||
| If you're not playing by the rules, you can't fight for us. | ||
| You can't just run away. | ||
| I don't agree with the suspension. | ||
| I think a lifetime suspension is ridiculous, especially since... | ||
| Look, Vanderlei's not gonna become a composer. | ||
| I mean, you're taking away the guy's livelihood. | ||
| I mean, he can teach and he can train guys, I guess, but Vanderlei still has fight in him. | ||
| He still wants to fight. | ||
| He had some good fights lined up. | ||
| That Chael Sonnen fight would have made him a fuckload of money. | ||
| That Chael Sonnen fight, I don't know what they were gonna pay him for that, but how much that fight would be worth, especially if he could beat Chael Sonnen and do it in Brazil. | ||
| That would be gigantic. | ||
| But he fucked up too, man. | ||
| When he was on that show, he got embarrassed. | ||
| Like, Brazil was upset at him. | ||
| There was a lot of people in Brazil that were upset at his performance and behavior on the show where he attacked Chael Sonnen. | ||
| A lot of people thought he made them look bad, and Chael Sonnen took him down real easy on the show. | ||
| You know, Vanderlei took a swing at Chael, and Chael ducked and took him down. | ||
| It's like, are we seeing what's going to happen on the show? | ||
| And you're making us look like thug. | ||
| You're starting a fight in the middle of a fucking television broadcast. | ||
| Talk all the shit you want, but be there when the actual fight goes down. | ||
| So both the guys tested positive for shit. | ||
| It wasn't just, I mean, Vanderlei might not have tested positive, but essentially did. | ||
| And Shale Sonnen, he was positive for everything. | ||
| Everything that existed. | ||
| Everything other than testosterone he was on. | ||
| He was on all these different testosterone boosters and EPO. It's the Lance Armstrong shit that make more oxygen in your blood. | ||
| You know, they have to clean up the sport. | ||
| It's unfortunate that Vanderlei has to go out like that because the guy was, you know... | ||
| So he can't fight even in Atlantic City, like, in the backyard? | ||
| Nowhere. | ||
| He can't fight anywhere. | ||
| Not only can he not fight anywhere, Bellator was going to hire him to do promotional shit for them. | ||
| And the UFC's like, you're under contract with us. | ||
| Like, not only can you not work... | ||
| We won't let you work for us fighting, but we won't let you work for the competition in any sort of a promotional way. | ||
| But that was also because Vanderlei talked a lot of shit. | ||
| He was talking a lot of shit about the UFC. Who the fuck knows, man? | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| I hope he... | ||
| I hope it all gets cleared up. | ||
| I mean, I think the guy should've got suspended for a while, but I don't know what the number is. | ||
| I ran from a drug test once. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| The feds came right to my house. | ||
| I wouldn't open the fucking door. | ||
| I wasn't even hot. | ||
| I was high. | ||
| Fuck being hot. | ||
| Fuck last night or two nights ago. | ||
| I was fucking high. | ||
| On weed or on coke? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| I sent my wife somewhere. | ||
| Where the fuck did I go? | ||
| My friends came out. | ||
| I was on probation. | ||
| And I did something. | ||
| I told my wife, me and my buddies were going to Aspen, so she left that afternoon to her parents or something with the baby, and I fucking stayed at the house. | ||
| Blasting. | ||
| And they called me, they go, when are you leaving? | ||
| I go, I'm already at the fucking, you know, I'm going, right now the car's coming, we're leaving. | ||
| And they go, okay, we thought you said 5 o'clock. | ||
| No, no, no, 1 o'clock. | ||
| I'm leaving right now. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| And I hung up. | ||
| About 10 minutes later, the guy knocked on the fucking door. | ||
| We were talking in the kitchen. | ||
| We had to hide. | ||
| I had to go upstairs. | ||
| They kept knocking. | ||
| I think I could hear somebody in there. | ||
| I can't hear nothing. | ||
| Are they allowed to... | ||
| They're not allowed to break in. | ||
| They can't break in for a drug test. | ||
| They just come to your house. | ||
| But if he would have knocked and I said, I'm not giving him a drug test, he would have came back with a sheriff. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| They call the sheriff. | ||
| I would open the fucking door, Doug. | ||
| You know what's the most fucked up is drug tests for companies where they test you for weed and you're not even like, it's not even like while you're on the job. | ||
| Like UPS, something along those lines. | ||
| Like they'll test you to make sure you're not doing drugs while you work for them. | ||
| As if someone can tell you what to do with your time. | ||
| Like when you leave. | ||
| You could start drinking Monday at 5 o'clock. | ||
| You could ask everybody at work, hey, you guys want to go do drugs? | ||
| Let's go down to the bar and do liquid drugs. | ||
| And everybody's like, yeah, we're going to go meet Joey for a couple of liquid drugs. | ||
| And everybody's fine with that because it's all alcohol. | ||
| It's all legal. | ||
| But if you said, hey, you guys want to smoke some joints after this is over? | ||
| Everybody would be like, what the fuck? | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| You're gonna get fired from UPS. They're gonna drug test you. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| And they will. | ||
| They could. | ||
| They could hit you with a random drug test. | ||
| And they could fire you. | ||
| And you could get drunk as fuck from 5 p.m. | ||
| to 10 p.m. | ||
| Sunday night, crash, wake up, head pounding, driving to work, hungover as fuck, drinking Pedialyte and Gatorade and water, and you're fine. | ||
| Nobody can say a word. | ||
| They'll drug test you, you'll pass a flying collar. | ||
| As long as you're not actively drunk on the job, you're fine. | ||
| That's some goofy shit. | ||
| A kid hit me up from Boulder. | ||
| He went to get a job at Fisher Hunter. | ||
| They take your fucking hair now, Jack. | ||
| God of the piss. | ||
| Take your hair! | ||
| That should be illegal! | ||
| That's an invasion of privacy. | ||
| Vegas, too. | ||
| Vegas, too. | ||
| At those casinos? | ||
| Hair. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Give us the hair. | ||
| So you can't smoke weed? | ||
| Can't do nothing, dawg. | ||
| What if you have a medical prescription? | ||
| There's a lot of places that don't even give a fuck. | ||
| Ask Nick Diaz. | ||
| Ask Nick Diaz if they give a fuck about a medical prescription. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about nothing. | ||
| I was thinking the same thing. | ||
| I was thinking about, let's say a guy that's in a California prison. | ||
| Not getting the right medication for whatever his thing is. | ||
| Eventually that's going to happen. | ||
| Some guy in prison is going to raise his hand and get an attorney. | ||
| I don't know what he's going to win, but you lose your rights when you're a felon. | ||
| You lose your rights to what? | ||
| You lose your rights. | ||
| But I don't think you lose your rights to proper medical attention. | ||
| So if you get diagnosed with ADHD or something like that, the doctor says cannabis is the best medication. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| And it's a state law. | ||
| It's a state law. | ||
| This is federal. | ||
| The federal law is the real issue. | ||
| The federal. | ||
| Somebody in California is going to eventually go, I'm not getting the right medication in prison because they don't. | ||
| We're almost out of time, so I've got to ask you about this because this just came out. | ||
| The whole Jon Jones thing, you know, knowing your past and your past experiences with coke, what did you think about that when it all went down? | ||
| I had heard rumors. | ||
| I'm not going to lie to you. | ||
| I just didn't say nothing to you because I didn't want you, you know, drilling me. | ||
| That night we were in Vegas and we ate the mushrooms and we came back and John Jones was at the dinner table. | ||
| I told Dara when John Jones got up, there's rumors he's doing blow from here in L.A. Two people told me. | ||
| And you know me, I don't care. | ||
| I never repeated it. | ||
| I'm not that type of person. | ||
| I just... | ||
| But it didn't surprise me. | ||
| I'm not mad enough. | ||
| It breaks my heart. | ||
| People are sitting there that don't do blow and are wondering how can a champion risk his family and everything. | ||
| Cocaine has no nothing. | ||
| I had a baby inside the room with my wife in there. | ||
| I'm on federal probation and I'm snorting blow outside. | ||
| I'm hiding the beers in the snow. | ||
| I would let the dog out. | ||
| That's what I would do. | ||
| She'd be in the room reading. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm letting the dog out. | ||
| That dog was the only dog that went out every 15 fucking minutes. | ||
| He'd go out. | ||
| I'd open a can of beer, crack it, drink it, down it, put it back in the snow, and I'd do two lines and go back in the house. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Knowing that they were going to throw me in jail, knowing Knowing they were going to throw me in jail if I piss tested. | ||
| Knowing I would drink vinegar. | ||
| I told this story out here before. | ||
| What I went through that year in the halfway house drinking vinegar and putting pool cleaner on my dick and, you know, cranberry juice and vinegar and Gatorade and just letting it go. | ||
| When you're addicted like that, nothing means anything. | ||
| Here's a question. | ||
| Here's a question. | ||
| Is it possible that a guy could just enjoy a little coke every now and then? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You say yes. | ||
| But you don't have an addiction thing. | ||
| You've done coke before. | ||
| You've never been addicted. | ||
| But he's found himself in dark places. | ||
| If not, he'd do it every night. | ||
| He knows how scary it is. | ||
| If not, he'd do it every night. | ||
| Yeah, I can see where for certain people... | ||
| Once you get scared with it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That you respect it. | ||
| But don't you get scared with alcohol, too? | ||
| Like, if you get really drunk and fucked up, I've been really drunk and fucked up before, but I was like, wow, you could die from this, you know? | ||
| I've thrown up in garbage cans. | ||
| I mean, I've been hammered before, where I think, I wonder, like, isn't that just as destructive as cocaine? | ||
| No, because you're not spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars every night on alcohol, usually. | ||
| You know, if you usually drink a bottle of Jack and you puke, where cocaine, you could be up till 10 in the morning still buying it. | ||
| You know, from the night before. | ||
| Oh, because you keep going. | ||
| You keep on going. | ||
| Because it's energy. | ||
| It's pretty much just like, hey, I'm awake. | ||
| I feel great. | ||
| I want to get shit done. | ||
| I want to... | ||
| So that's the issue, is that you keep going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So, like, a guy like Jon Jones, who has a lot of money, like, the money's not an issue for him, but the keeping going is an issue. | ||
| Keeping going and bitches, man, because bitches love cooking. | ||
| Where was he going? | ||
| I feel very bad for Greg Jackson in this camp because somebody had a note out there. | ||
| Yeah, well, people probably knew, you know, but they also knew he's the baddest motherfucker in fighting right now. | ||
| Nobody just goes, buys a package and does it by themselves. | ||
| He's got to be doing it with somebody. | ||
| My heart goes out to him. | ||
| But do you think he could be fine with it? | ||
| I mean, Brian, do you think he could be fine with it? | ||
| Do you think that if you're a disciplined guy, you know, because you haven't had the problem that maybe Joey's had, you know, you've never been, like, full-on addicted, like, for long periods of time. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| So do you think that a guy like him, who's an athlete, who's a strong-minded dude, is very disciplined? | ||
| I mean, Jon Jones, when he's training, like, when he trained for this fight, for Daniel Cormier, he was fucking disciplined. | ||
| The word on the street, the word from Albuquerque was, this fucking guy is training hard, twice a day, doing everything he can to beat this motherfucker. | ||
| Well, he got popped December 4th, so obviously he wasn't training that hard. | ||
| He got popped four weeks before the fight. | ||
| That's true, that's a good point. | ||
| So he wasn't training that hard. | ||
| He was still doing the cocaine, which is... | ||
| Mind-boggling to a guy like me, but I understand it because I was addicted. | ||
| It just depends how much he does. | ||
| I know people that just do it once a month. | ||
| I had a friend that was a tremendous athlete. | ||
| And one night in front of me, he whipped out a package and I almost died. | ||
| And I go, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| And he goes, at the beginning of the night, I always do two bumps so I can drink with the rest of these assholes. | ||
| And I throw it away or I give it away. | ||
| He could do two bumps and drink like it was no tomorrow for two or three hours. | ||
| Pee and then go home. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| Everybody has a different way of partying, a different way of doing coke. | ||
| Some people could do a little coke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But everything starts off easy in the drug world. | ||
| Everything's a party. | ||
| I'm happy they caught him now. | ||
| I don't know what level of the addiction he was up to. | ||
| Maybe he just done it the first time. | ||
| None of us know until he tells the truth. | ||
| And it's also a thing of John is so fucking good that maybe while he's doing it and he's still winning, he's still beating guys, he's so good he can do coke four weeks out. | ||
| He could have done coke three days before, dawg. | ||
| Lawrence Taylor was fucking, you know, Friday night in New Jersey, you're playing Sunday? | ||
| Really? | ||
| What do you think Lawrence Taylor went home and drank Gatorade? | ||
| Well, how bad does it fuck you up if he did do it on Friday night? | ||
| It fucks you up, baby. | ||
| Listen, it fucks up your heart, your breathing. | ||
| It fucks up a lot of things. | ||
| But once you get back in there, you're fucking back in there. | ||
| I know as a comedian, if I did it two nights in a row, it affected me as a comic. | ||
| I couldn't really control my words. | ||
| I could control a lot of things, and I'm very good with a lot of things in my system, with THC and edibles. | ||
| Once I did coke two days, you could tell as a con. | ||
| You're talking about raging two days all night long, all morning long now. | ||
| A gram and a half till four in the morning. | ||
| I was, you know, I could do two grams in the night till four in the morning and go back to sleep. | ||
| I'm talking, and no drinking. | ||
| I knew on Thursday that might... | ||
| I knew that my stand-up was falling apart. | ||
| With fighting, it's something different. | ||
| You want to be crazy. | ||
| But then again, when I sold sports information, I always did better with a hangover. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was unconscious. | ||
| I worked off technique. | ||
| I was unconscious. | ||
| Everything had to be... | ||
| So you didn't overthink things? | ||
| I didn't overthink things. | ||
| I closed them. | ||
| I stuck to the pitch. | ||
| I took those beats. | ||
| So maybe when you're unconscious, you're more... | ||
| I'm not saying that this poor kid did it before he fought. | ||
| I can't see it. | ||
| Listen, right here in the room with men, 24 years I've been doing stand-up. | ||
| I did cocaine and went on stage one time. | ||
| March 17, 1992 was my second year doing comedy. | ||
| I thought I could do coke like Richard Pryor and talk. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| So did Michael Richards. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't work that way. | ||
| It doesn't work that way. | ||
| You do coke and go on stage. | ||
| You might kill one time. | ||
| Ask Kenison if he killed at the end. | ||
| It was a nightmare. | ||
| You have no emotion. | ||
| You have no emotion. | ||
| The cocaine cuts to your heart and the material. | ||
| So all you are is... | ||
| Red man, give me your jokes. | ||
| Right, I see what you're saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your timing's off. | |
| When I say a joke, my leg goes on the... | ||
| I've seen guys that are croaked up on stage, too, and they are very robotic. | ||
| Robotic. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| You're working off technique. | ||
| And with stand-up, you can't work off technique. | ||
| With jujitsu and me punching, yeah, you know, I can grab that arm and underhook. | ||
| With stand-up, there's no technique. | ||
| The technique is my emotion. | ||
| The technique is my pain. | ||
| I have to fuel that. | ||
| I have to fuel that energy. | ||
| Once I have the bridges broken, once I do blow, Once I do blow my brother, the bridge breaks. | ||
| There's no disconnect. | ||
| I can still yell the jokes at you. | ||
| Hey, what do you get with the chicken crusts? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But there's nothing there. | ||
| So, I don't see it. | ||
| I just hope he gets better. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I hope that it was just something he was doing every couple weeks just to burn some energy. | ||
| It's amazing that he could party like that and still kick everybody's ass. | ||
| But we don't know what he did. | ||
| We don't know how he partied. | ||
| Well, we know he was doing coke four weeks out. | ||
| Yeah, but he could have just been with a girl that had, like, a couple lines. | ||
| Yeah, we could have done a blast. | ||
| Listen, you're with a girl, she got a tremendous piece of pussy, a fucking diamond thing studded in her belly button, her ass don't smell like flowers. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Maybe you didn't do coke. | ||
| Maybe she put a coke rock in her pussy. | ||
| You licked it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| You know, maybe you touched it. | ||
| There's so many fucking things. | ||
| But if I came to you and said, Joe Rogan, I didn't do blow. | ||
| I'd just put it on the girl's belly button. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Joey, Jesus, I've known you 20 years. | ||
| You're gonna come at me with that one? | ||
| Well, it was only metabolites that you tested for, so somewhere between two and four days before that. | ||
| Well, it was a great test because usually the cocaine's gone in 72 hours. | ||
| This test got you until about eight or nine days. | ||
| All right, we're running out of time, Joey. | ||
| No worries, bro. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| We did our three. | ||
| When can people see you again? | ||
| Buffalo, helium, next week. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And then the funny bone in Columbus, Super Bowl weekend. | ||
| All of it at joeydiaz.com? | ||
| All of it at joeydiaz.net. | ||
| Dot net. | ||
| Joeydiaz.net. | ||
| Love you, too, man. | ||
| January 30th, I'm at the Mirage with Ian Edwards and Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| That's January 30th in Vegas, Mirage. | ||
| Everything else is sold out. | ||
| Boston this weekend, next weekend rather, next Saturday night, sold out at that Laugh Comedy. | ||
| I'll be back. | ||
| I'm going to come back in the spring probably and I'll do the Wilbert Theater for a couple nights. | ||
| I'm sorry everything sold out so quick and it was only two shows and people didn't get a chance to get tickets, but I'll be back. | ||
| I didn't forget where I came from. | ||
| I will be back. | ||
| And Helium in Portland, that shit's all sold out too. | ||
| So, sorry. | ||
| Naughty Show Wednesday, Jeff. | ||
| Yeah, Naughty Show Wednesday. | ||
| We're going to be at the Comedy Store. | ||
| 9pm in the main room. | ||
| And it's a fuckload of talent. | ||
| Jim Jeffries is on the show. | ||
| Brian's on the show. | ||
| Tripoli's on the show. | ||
| Ari Shaffir's on the show. | ||
| Morgan Murphy. | ||
| Morgan Murphy's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Ronnie Rotten. | ||
| Yeah, okay, beautiful. | ||
| We'll be there. | ||
| So we'll see you, Fox, very soon. | ||
| All right, much love. |
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