June 27, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:54:46
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| One. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh boy. | |
| Hey everybody, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| Hey, I've been away a while, but I missed you guys. | ||
| How long have you been away? | ||
| Four days or something. | ||
| We took a week off. | ||
| I was out of town. | ||
| This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| There's probably about five or six websites out there dedicated to various parts of Ari's body that have been made during the construction of this very podcast. | ||
| It's that easy to make websites. | ||
| Squarespace allows you to make your own website with just simple web tools. | ||
| Drag and drop interface. | ||
| Very easy to do. | ||
| It's nothing complex. | ||
| It's nothing that the average dimwit that knows a little bit about computers like myself can do. | ||
| It's just they've figured it out. | ||
| They've figured out how to streamline it, narrow it down. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty easy. | ||
| Just drag and drop. | ||
| Everything's drag and drop. | ||
| It says where to put stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can make websites that look really good. | ||
| It used to be very difficult. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Want to make a portfolio? | |
| It lets you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Want to make a different looking portfolio? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Online store. | ||
| Set up an online store. | ||
| Super easy. | ||
| Beautiful designs for you to start with. | ||
| Use your own images. | ||
| Your wife can sell her handbags. | ||
| Or she can sell pictures of your dick. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| You guys made a living selling pictures of your dick. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Your wife just takes pictures of your dick and sells them. | ||
| Just a little bit of mouth. | ||
| His dick's not bad, but I'm an excellent photographer. | ||
| If it was real easy to buy shit online, if everything was like Amazon One Click, you know, and I landed here like five cents to see your dick, you know. | ||
| You'd get some for people. | ||
| Yeah, people would. | ||
| People would say, I want to see Ari's dick. | ||
| There's a few people that would, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, think about how much, like, let's get weird, Ellen DeGeneres. | ||
| If Ellen DeGeneres took pictures of her butthole and you needed, it cost you five cents to see it. | ||
| How many fucking people would pay if it was really easy to pay? | ||
| I would definitely pay that for her vagina. | ||
| I think it's going to come to that. | ||
| If I didn't have to open my e-wallet. | ||
| Yeah, if it was super easy to do. | ||
| Give her a change back from a dollar. | ||
| If it was just a word interface. | ||
| Like, do you want to pay five cents to see Ellen's? | ||
| Yeah, I'll see. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| How much? | ||
| Five cents? | ||
| And the computer knows. | ||
| And I'll have a bag too for ten. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're allowed to not even take like a breathalyzer test for anything under a certain amount of money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| After a certain amount of money, it should be like the responsibility of the manufacturer of the cell phone to make some sort of a breathalyzer thing. | ||
| Because otherwise it's too fucking easy to just buy shit if you're really hammered and you buy something fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, you would buy everything. | ||
| Yeah, it's rude. | ||
| You can't have that. | ||
| People have been calling that for a long time, breathalyzer for your phone, for your computer. | ||
| It's a good move for text messages. | ||
| Anything that you send after 2 o'clock in the morning is most likely a mistake. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I get too high late at night, I buy so much things. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Everything's so beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful and awesome. | ||
| And you can make a website about those things. | ||
| Start your own business, you fuck! | ||
| Resell your shitty purchases. | ||
| Go to squarespace.com. | ||
| You can make a logo creator. | ||
| You can create a sleek and simple logo. | ||
| I just made one for Ari. | ||
| While we were doing that? | ||
| Big juicy hog. | ||
| Ari Shafir, big juicy hog. | ||
| And it's a picture of a chicken. | ||
| It makes zero sense. | ||
| And it's perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase, go to squarespace.com and enter in the code word JOE. Yeah, they're all different. | ||
| It's a t-shirt. | ||
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| What is it the t-shirt's name? | ||
| Big Juicy Hog. | ||
| Big Juicy Hog. | ||
| Is it H-A-W-G? Yeah, of course. | ||
| That's the way to say it. | ||
| It sounds more delicious that way. | ||
| The Brewster on top of it. | ||
| It sounds more slurpy. | ||
| These dudes online have been getting mad at all these gay innuendos and jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All this fucking homophobic shit and all this fucking... | |
| Listen, I like dick jokes. | ||
| I think they're funny. | ||
| If you get weirded out, that's your own shit, son. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| Don't panic. | ||
| Dick jokes are funny. | ||
| Go to squarespace.com, make your own dick joke website, use the code word Joe. | ||
| One cool thing about it, code word Joe, is that you can actually build the site and then not pay for it yet, and then decide, like, alright, I'm going to get this thing. | ||
| Yeah, that is a good word. | ||
| That is a good idea, rather. | ||
| They're so confident in the ability to make a website so easily that they let you try it out, register and try it out without entering your credit card information. | ||
| So at the end of that, if you're like, your website's whack, son! | ||
| You can just bail. | ||
| You can just bail. | ||
| And you'll have learned about that service. | ||
| Anyway, go to squarespace.com, use the code word Joe, and save 10% off. | ||
| And more importantly to me, I met the Squarespace people. | ||
| And they're very nice. | ||
| They're cool. | ||
| What did you meet in New York? | ||
| I met them in New York. | ||
| Very nice guys. | ||
| I went over to their offices. | ||
| Super friendly. | ||
| Everybody, they came to the show, they're really friendly and nice and fun. | ||
| They're working at an internet company, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are the cool people. | ||
| Those are the cool people. | ||
| That's why I have faith in the future. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People always say, oh, you're so faithful, you're always looking at the bright side of things, man. | |
| We're going down the toilet. | ||
| I have faith in the future because I think that technology and the technology creators are the ones that are dictating what's taking place. | ||
| Everyone is scrambling to deal with the technology and the technology innovators. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Before. | ||
| Before. | ||
| Well, instead of actual products, solid items, instead of solid items and things that you weigh and put on a scale, instead you're dealing with things like a Google. | ||
| I mean, there's a solid item. | ||
| Somewhere, you know, there's hard drives that keep all the information on, and obviously there's offices, but the reality is that Google's not a real product that you can pick up and have in your hand. | ||
| You can have a Google phone, but what the fuck is Google? | ||
| Well, the number one thing in that company is nothing. | ||
| It's an air. | ||
| It's an idea. | ||
| So this idea has picked up all these hard drives and set up all these web browsers and set up all these different Google Chrome and Google operating system. | ||
| Based on nothing. | ||
| But what is it really? | ||
| It's just ideas. | ||
| An idea is what Google is. | ||
| And they're a really ethical and responsible company, which is fascinating. | ||
| Because one of the most powerful, one of the most, is also very progressive. | ||
| They're super progressive. | ||
| I have a friend who works at Google, and there's a guy who works in the office who's a guy outside the office, but in the office he likes to be referred to as a woman, and he dresses up as a woman. | ||
| So he goes to the office, he dresses up like a man. | ||
| Dresses up like a woman? | ||
| He's a man until he gets to the office. | ||
| Then he goes to the office. | ||
| Just at work? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Like Clinger? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| He's not trying to get a thing from the government. | ||
| It's just what he does. | ||
| And Google's like, okay. | ||
| As long as you're nice. | ||
| As long as you do your work. | ||
| Yeah, what do we care? | ||
| What do we care? | ||
| That's perfect! | ||
| See, that didn't exist. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| In older... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why does he wear a regular boy suit to work? | |
| That's a very good question, but a better question is, why can you identify someone's sex by the clothing they wear? | ||
| That seems like the most ridiculous thing ever. | ||
| We push people into certain ways of being. | ||
| I used to, when I was religious and worked at some law firm for the summer, and then the next year I lost my religion in that summer, and then I worked there again. | ||
| Like a goddamn REM song. | ||
| Yeah, and I didn't want to explain to them, so I would just take my yarmulke off as soon as I left work. | ||
| I would put it on to work, and then take it off as soon as I left. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I have faith. | ||
| I have faith because of that. | ||
| Because these smart motherfuckers are the ones that are the most innovative, the ones that are the most on the cutting edge about what's changing the world. | ||
| Like Google searches are changing the goddamn world, right? | ||
| Panned in China. | ||
| Can't get on Google. | ||
| Google's a crazy thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The ability to just get all the questions. | ||
| I mean, not always write a lot of contrary information, but just the sheer bulk of the information. | ||
| And then sources. | ||
| Oh, this is a Stanford University study. | ||
| And you go, okay, you know. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You start reading things like, oh, this guy's a professor of astronomy from Cambridge. | ||
| Oh, yeah, your ability to get knowledge. | ||
| Yeah, you go, okay, well, this guy's super legit. | ||
| He's a professor of astronomy at Cambridge. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, we didn't have that. | ||
| All you had was a microfiche for newspapers. | ||
| And all these dudes that are involved in these companies. | ||
| In my opinion, it seems to be they're moving. | ||
| I mean, there's still corporations. | ||
| There's always going to be weirdness when money is involved. | ||
| But it seems like the ethic of the internet, the ethic of these electronic corporations is one of social responsibility. | ||
| One that didn't really exist before. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I'm trying to think if there's any bad of those companies. | ||
| Not that I can think of. | ||
| Like Tesla, they're supposed to be really cool. | ||
| Elon Musk has got a reputation of being this really fascinating, innovative guy. | ||
| Starbucks is cool. | ||
| Starbucks is cool as fuck. | ||
| I love having good coffee on the corner. | ||
| They pay for people's health insurance. | ||
| They offer to put you through Phoenix Online College. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Check out their new sodas. | ||
| Yeah, 24, 25. We'll pay for it if you want. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| I think that shit is possible, man. | ||
| I think people can build an ethical company, you know? | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I just think that for so long, people are so goddamn ruthless. | ||
| So people say, oh, you know, you're always fucking so optimistic. | ||
| Ben and Jerry, they've been doing it for years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ben and Jerry have been doing it, like, way back before it was interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, we're just going to do it because it's the right thing. | ||
| Well, they're from Vermont, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Vermont is... | ||
| Have you ever been up there? | ||
| Burlington, Vermont? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, once. | ||
| My parents tried to send me to a special camp there. | ||
| It's a fucking beautiful, beautiful town. | ||
| God, Vermont is awesome. | ||
| They have higher ground. | ||
| I want to go to that higher ground place. | ||
| What's higher ground? | ||
| Like a small rock theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| That part is cool. | ||
| Maybe I'll work that. | ||
| Because I definitely worked something in Burlington. | ||
| Really? | ||
| A long time ago. | ||
| Yeah, I guess we're doing a podcast. | ||
| Let's just fucking go with it. | ||
| I did something in Burlington. | ||
| I mean, clearly, we're done with commercials. | ||
| We haven't done Nature's Box yet. | ||
| Yeah, Nature Box. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| Give me some yummy treats. | ||
| Do you really want to stop? | ||
| Because I was going to say, I actually made a Squarespace store. | ||
| I'm working on one right now. | ||
| And it was so fucking easy. | ||
| You just put a picture in of what you want to sell. | ||
| Put how many there is, like quantity there is. | ||
| You sign up for this thing that's like PayPal. | ||
| And then if somebody buys it from you... | ||
| In two days, it automatically goes to your bank account, the money, and it sends you like a little shipping thing, where to ship it to. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I was so blown away how easy a store was because I knew blog kind of websites and stuff. | ||
| I knew it couldn't be that hard because I used WordPress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But this store thing, I was so amazed at how easy it was, how much control you had. | ||
| And Squarespace, you can make a store in less than five minutes. | ||
| It is really that crazy. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Is it like a PayPal store? | ||
| Did you use PayPal? | ||
| It uses another company that's just like PayPal. | ||
| And PayPal, you could just use a credit card, too. | ||
| You don't have to have a PayPal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So if someone has PayPal, that's crazy. | ||
| It's just pretty much a credit card processor that charges, I think, like, $0.35 per transaction. | ||
| And that's actually cheaper than what PayPal does, because I believe PayPal actually uses a percent of how much money. | ||
| So if you have $100, PayPal takes like $11. | ||
| It's like 11%. | ||
| Where this actual company, whatever, I forget, it's like Spark or something, actually only just charges you 35 cents because all it is is a credit card transaction fee. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So we're just moving numbers around in the ether. | ||
| So we don't care how big your transaction is. | ||
| It's the same process for them. | ||
| What a scam. | ||
| To make money by moving numbers on computers. | ||
| Fucking Ticketmaster always does that garbage. | ||
| Dude, Ticketmaster hits car. | ||
| Processing fee. | ||
| Why is it on... | ||
| We bought four tickets all at once. | ||
| Why the four processing fees? | ||
| What's a processing fee? | ||
| The computer's doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I didn't call the hotline. | ||
| Well, that's what the big argument with that band in Seattle was about. | ||
| Pearl Jam. | ||
| Pearl Jam. | ||
| Remember Pearl Jam? | ||
| They rallied against Ticketmaster. | ||
| And I talked to someone over there and they were like, no, it's the venues that they want their percentage. | ||
| They take it too. | ||
| It's like, well, then why don't you put it as a venue cost so we know who to blame? | ||
| Look at that face you're making. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I hate when I see that. | ||
| I've seen your shows and people are like, your tickets were $35. | ||
| I paid $66. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird, but that's how it is. | ||
| You know, I would love to rally against shit like that, but I don't have that kind of time, so I just gotta keep pressing forward. | ||
| You know, I think Louis for a while was doing some weird shit where he's making people pay in cash, and they had to buy it the day of the show, and they had to pay in cash. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| He did that at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I know that. | ||
| The idea was to stop scalpers, too, because there's always a scalping problem. | ||
| That always happens if you're going to sell out of place. | ||
| Like a Ticketmaster, someone who buys it from Ticketmaster, some company. | ||
| We realized this was a long time ago. | ||
| Robin Williams played, and it was sold out. | ||
| I was like, why didn't we get... | ||
| People were offering to pay $150, $200 for tickets. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| We had access to them. | ||
| We never scalped at the store. | ||
| Somebody must have, right? | ||
| Somebody must have gotten people. | ||
| Chewy had to scalp a little bit. | ||
| I did it this year. | ||
| Did you just get some scalping in? | ||
| No, I bought Louie tickets for you, for someone else, and then you couldn't go, the other person couldn't go. | ||
| So you scalped them? | ||
| I told the doorman, I was like, hey, you can sell them. | ||
| Get whatever you want. | ||
| Give me the 40 back and then take the rest. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| He doubled it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| People can't get in, like, what do you want? | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| Especially in LA, right? | ||
| In LA, people are like, come on, this restaurant's gotta have two seats somewhere. | ||
| I'm important. | ||
| Stop pulling out that paper, son! | ||
| Pulling out that sweet paper! | ||
| Alright, let's keep going with the commercial. | ||
| Nature Box. | ||
| Nature Box, don't go fuck yourself. | ||
| When I said that before, I was treating you like a buddy. | ||
| I just got my first Nature Box today, man. | ||
| I was really, really happy. | ||
| They just sent me two packages of Sriracha cashews. | ||
| Sriracha cashews? | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| I forgot to bring them in, man. | ||
| I went home and I forgot to bring them in. | ||
| They're so good. | ||
| You would die. | ||
| You would want them delivered to your house every day. | ||
| They're the best snack I've ever had. | ||
| These Sriracha cashews, nope, that's not true. | ||
| I got some elk jerky from Amazon.com. | ||
| I know you can buy some elk jerky. | ||
| That's pretty goddamn good, too. | ||
| But shiraj cashews, as far as being an option where nothing had to die that's an animal or a mammal... | ||
| That's way better for you than chips. | ||
| You eat nuts. | ||
| Than elk jerky? | ||
| No, than chips. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Nuts are way better. | ||
| Even if they're salted and roasted and stuff, still, it's got to be more easy to process, right? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Well, what's more easy to process about everything that NatureBox has is that they have no trans fats. | ||
| Trans fats, your body has a process issue with those. | ||
| High fructose corn syrup. | ||
| That's why so many Holocaust survivors are living such a long life. | ||
| Because no high fructose corn syrup? | ||
| No trans fats for a while. | ||
| That's what it is? | ||
| Yeah, now they're living to a hundred and something. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Imagine if that's true. | ||
| Can't be that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Imagine if it was killing people that quickly. | ||
| Do rabbis really bless those foods, the Jew food? | ||
| What do you mean bless them? | ||
| It's called kosher. | ||
| Don't say Jew food. | ||
| No, they look over it and make sure people like you aren't doing anything to it. | ||
| According to Eliza Schlesinger, you're not supposed to say Jew. | ||
| You're supposed to say Jewish. | ||
| And if you say someone's a Jew, then it's like an insult. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I've heard that before. | ||
| It's the first time I've actually heard a girl say that. | ||
| According to Eliza Schlesinger, people would get upset if you called someone a Jew. | ||
| It's all tone. | ||
| Zero high fructose corn syrup too. | ||
| Nothing artificial. | ||
| Free shipping anywhere in the U.S. If you have an office vending machine and the best thing that you can eat in there is peanuts. | ||
| You know those fucking machines? | ||
| Where it's just candy bar, chips, peanuts. | ||
| I guess peanuts. | ||
| Put some NatureBox in your desk. | ||
| I heard the owners of NatureBox are Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What?! | |
| Ari's allowed to say that. | ||
| You know why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Jew privilege. | ||
| Well, somebody told me they blessed all the animals. | ||
| And I was like, that's kind of cool if there's just like this old Jewish guy that came over there and just like, all right, guys. | ||
| They look over the killing and they make sure it's all killed right. | ||
| In theory, I think that kosher was a great idea at first. | ||
| They set some ground rules like don't eat pigs. | ||
| They're dirty fuckers. | ||
| People were probably getting sick like crazy. | ||
| They didn't know how to cook animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you cook a pig the same way you cook a deer, you're going to have real problems. | ||
| Pigs are omnivores. | ||
| They eat a lot of animals, and so they get trichinosis. | ||
| You've got to cook that out of them? | ||
| You've got to cook the shit out of it. | ||
| You're going to eat that parasite, too. | ||
| When you eat a pig... | ||
| They didn't know that back then? | ||
| People got sick? | ||
| No, they didn't know that. | ||
| How do they know where to get fucking... | ||
| Try mushrooms and get sap from a tree, but they didn't know, why do we keep getting sick every time we eat this pig? | ||
| Well, they just thought the pig was disgusting. | ||
| They thought if you eat pig, you're going to get sick and you're going to die. | ||
| It makes sense, because that is true. | ||
| I mean, back then, you had a real issue. | ||
| And most pigs, whether they were wild or domestic, apparently they're the exact same thing. | ||
| They're the same animal. | ||
| They just look different. | ||
| But they can fuck with each other. | ||
| They can interbreed. | ||
| That was a rule we weren't allowed to accept when they said, why is stuff not kosher? | ||
| Because it's the tapeworm stuff. | ||
| The answer was always, because God said. | ||
| That's a good answer. | ||
| You're not supposed to know why. | ||
| Yeah, you don't need to know, bitch. | ||
| God said. | ||
| God said, stay away from the fucking pigs. | ||
| But, you know, now that we know, it's silly. | ||
| Because bacon is awesome, and nobody dies from bacon. | ||
| I had some bacon today. | ||
| Oh, it's so good. | ||
| I mean, you could buy from, you could die from, like... | ||
| Hey, NatureBox, how about some bacon-flavored stuff? | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| There's no beef jerky in here. | ||
| They don't have beef jerky? | ||
| No, but I'll tell you what they do have. | ||
| Bacon jerky's gluten-free. | ||
| They have those South Pacific plantains. | ||
| Goddamn, those are good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| And that Big Island pineapple. | ||
| Oh, yummy, yum, yum, yum. | ||
| But I keep going to those Sriracha cashews. | ||
| It's funny how Nature's Box doesn't have anything bacon-related, now that I think about it. | ||
| They need some bacon to ward off the juice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or some pickles. | |
| Why don't they have pickles? | ||
| Pickles would be a good one. | ||
| Well, pickles are tricky, man. | ||
| Grillo's Pickles, by the way, has the greatest pickles in the history of the free world. | ||
| They don't need to make pickles when Grillo's Pickles is out. | ||
| What show do they show up at? | ||
| They were just giving them out. | ||
| That was our show in Boston. | ||
| In Boston. | ||
| Yeah, the dude from Grillo's Pickles. | ||
| Cool as fuck. | ||
| Grillo's Pickles. | ||
| I am not bullshitting you. | ||
| The best pickles I've ever had in my life. | ||
| People are like, what's the big deal with pickles? | ||
| Bitch, listen to me. | ||
| Just buy yourself one container of those hot, spicy... | ||
| Spicy garlic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, they're so fucking good. | ||
| That Big Island pineapple is oh so delicious. | ||
| Love that snack. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Simple, dried pineapple. | ||
| So good. | ||
| And what's cool about Nature's Box is that, you know, you get this once a month, and you could add any other... | ||
| A snack for only $3 extra. | ||
| So you can just load up your box. | ||
| Like, I loaded up mine with like 12 different... | ||
| Right, but don't go to naturesbox.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Naturebox. | |
| Naturebox. | ||
| Because if you go to Nature's Box, it's a chick named Nature. | ||
| And that box is disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, it's all about her butt problem. | ||
| She's got one of those... | ||
| How long are you doing ads on each of these people? | ||
| This is done. | ||
| You ever save them for like... | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| This is not really an ad. | ||
| I mean, this is sort of a podcast ad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, naturebox.com. | ||
| Slash Rogan. | ||
| Suck it! | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| We don't need to do Onnit today. | ||
| We'll do it later. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| Use the code word Rogan. | ||
| Shazam! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| I move like a ghost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Damn, we said a lot of cool shit before this podcast ever started. | ||
| We have a Nick Diaz calling into our Punch Drunk sports podcast. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He's going to call in? | ||
| Allegedly, allegedly. | ||
| Yeah, he calls in all the time. | ||
| So, did you do Punch Drunk when you were on the road, when you were in China? | ||
| Yeah, I loved doing it from other places. | ||
| I did it from the Slopes and Veil ones. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Did you have a guest, or did you do it by yourself? | ||
| Punch Drunk? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Like, you called in? | ||
| Yeah, Skyped in. | ||
| Okay, so you did it from, like, remote locations? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| From the slopes in Vail. | ||
| I pulled over into some woods until my phone went off because it was too cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious! | |
| It's always been like, where are you? | ||
| I did it from the shower once. | ||
| We came back from break and I was just like, and Tebow's like, are you fucking showering? | ||
| What is the audio like when you're Skyping into a podcast like that? | ||
| Pretty good as long as I'm on Wi-Fi. | ||
| So you could, but have you ever tried to do it on 4G? Yeah, I did a walk around the city a lot. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| 4G LTE? Yeah. | ||
| And it works? | ||
| Yeah, but sometimes it goes like, especially in New York, it comes in and out. | ||
| That seems like that would be a really cool way to do a podcast. | ||
| Walking around. | ||
| Yeah, TBL, TBL, TBL, TBL. Sounds like this, kind of. | ||
| It's very room echo-y, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The good part of what you could do, though, is you could record it separately on an MP3 player. | ||
| And then send them the audio later and they could cut it in so it sounds fine. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| So have two recordings going simultaneously and they would have to sync them up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The live one would be the only one that kind of stops. | ||
| That seems like a project that we would give to you and it would take at least a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would find all sorts of reasons why that's not going to happen. | |
| But I'm so happy you're video editing again. | ||
| That video of us shooting hard drives. | ||
| We decided to shoot hard drives. | ||
| Yeah, my old hard drives. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| More for fun than anything. | ||
| But I always wanted to know what happens when a bullet hits a hard drive. | ||
| So I set up some hard drives and loaded up my hunting rifle. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's a serious rifle. | ||
| It's a 7mm Remington Ultramag. | ||
| Did it just go through it? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| It went through it sideways too. | ||
| It's so accurate you could hit it width wise. | ||
| So you're shooting at something that's 100 yards away and you have about an inch Wow. | ||
| Maybe a little more, inch and a half or something like that. | ||
| You can get it through that way. | ||
| You can see this is us shooting at the hard drive. | ||
| As long as you stay put. | ||
| It's all just about staying put and not freaking out. | ||
| Freaking out? | ||
| Yeah, when you pull the trigger, don't flinch. | ||
| It's really hard not to flinch. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, you've got a rifle, man. | ||
| That's a fucking rifle. | ||
| Breathe out. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that thing, that has a muzzle brake on it, which is this thing around the tip of the rifle barrel that distributes the energy better. | ||
| Makes a louder noise though. | ||
| So it doesn't, it's a hundred yards. | ||
| So it doesn't, it doesn't kick as much, which is really important because the kick is what scares the shit out of you. | ||
| That's what you're scared of so you clinch up before it happens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tense up. | ||
| How do we get to talking about this? | ||
| Hard drive destruction. | ||
| We were on a secretous route. | ||
| Oh, your video. | ||
| I'm glad you're doing videos again. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's so cool to see you doing videos again. | ||
| Somebody put up a thread of some of your old videos. | ||
| Dude, you're so talented at that. | ||
| It's like you have such a gift for video editing. | ||
| I quickly learned, though, how to, how, using, like, editing HD nowadays, how much fucking computer you need, though, to make it even worth not killing yourself trying to do. | ||
| Yeah, as far as rendering, right? | ||
| Well, I don't just edit videos like that. | ||
| The videos I do, there's, like, at least that It had like at least 12 layers of audio going on at the same time. | ||
| Is there some sort of super dope setup that we can get that would convince you to start making videos again? | ||
| Well, I mean, this one was fun to do, but, you know, I don't know. | ||
| Dude, you could make the best. | ||
| You were making amazing videos a long time ago. | ||
| That super black video we did. | ||
| That submission video for some show on comment section that will never happen. | ||
| Yeah, it has like a million views. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It has a lot. | ||
| I looked at it the other day, and I was like... | ||
| Wow, I've got that many? | ||
| No, you've got some real talent, dude. | ||
| You've got real talent as far as how you choose scenes and edit things and music and effects into them. | ||
| You're really good. | ||
| It's like you don't just take a video and cut it together and edit it. | ||
| You add something to it. | ||
| You add a lot to it. | ||
| You made some awesome videos when we were working together doing those. | ||
| Those are really good. | ||
| David Taylor says that. | ||
| He's like, you're the first guy to figure out length on the internet. | ||
| With that Mencia clip. | ||
| They were like, how do you make a 10 minute long clip that people will actually watch? | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| It hasn't been done yet. | ||
| Make it like a show. | ||
| Make it like a little show. | ||
| You have a timeline going on. | ||
| It goes back in time and forward in time. | ||
| Nowadays it is getting easier, the actual programs. | ||
| The new Final Cut Pro is cool because it can sync up... | ||
| Automatically where you used to have to just try to line up two sounds and stuff like that. | ||
| It'll just go to sync? | ||
| Yeah, go to sync. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, of course that should be a thing. | ||
| Let's get some bad mamma jamma computers and do this, man. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I mean, it would be fun to see how much unstressful it is. | ||
| Dude, we'll get you some Adderall. | ||
| We'll get you whatever you need. | ||
| Allegedly, this is a comedy show. | ||
| Do not take us to a cage. | ||
| Adderall that motherfucker up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was talking to a dude today who recently quit Adderall. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, we were having a conversation. | ||
| Wow, he ran out? | ||
| No, he was cool. | ||
| He ran out. | ||
| Very cool guy. | ||
| No, I think he felt like... | ||
| I think a lot of people that do the Adderall feel like there's a crash at the end of the day. | ||
| Oh, you've got to have a It's either the fast acting ones or the time release ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there's no crash that way. | ||
| Is that like they slowly weed you off of it? | ||
| Yeah, they come down so it's not like boom and drop off the cliff. | ||
| But he was loving the Adderall when he was on. | ||
| Tell I gotta get back going. | ||
| He was telling me how productive. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you get shit done. | ||
| Was he self-medicating that one? | ||
| I do not believe so, but I didn't ask. | ||
| I believe he was talking about a doctor. | ||
| It works so much differently. | ||
| When you need it or when you don't. | ||
| It does the opposite thing to you. | ||
| Yeah, if you need it, allegedly. | ||
| I don't understand ADD, because I have it, hardcore. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| But I think if you have it and then you take it, it calms you. | ||
| It centers you. | ||
| Is that true, though? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| It's so hard to tell what the fuck is going on. | ||
| It's like, you ever... | ||
| See someone drink, and then they just lose their marbles. | ||
| They just, for whatever reason, they just lose their marbles. | ||
| They're drunks. | ||
| Their brain just shuts off. | ||
| They're not there anymore. | ||
| They make terrible decisions. | ||
| You're like, how many fucking drinks have you had? | ||
| He's only had like three drinks. | ||
| And they just go away. | ||
| They just go away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't get that. | ||
| You don't get that. | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| No, I just barf. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't pass out. | ||
| But I mean, do you get that guy? | ||
| Oh, understand it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you try to get it? | ||
| Because obviously something's happening to him. | ||
| I think there's a very direct, there's a distinctly different physiological effect of alcohol on his body as opposed to your body. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You and I have gotten drunk a bunch of times together. | ||
| You just are, you should fear drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's nothing crazy at all. | ||
| You're you. | ||
| You're exactly the same guy, but you'll laugh a little bit more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| You'll be a little bit more ridiculous, like all of us when we're drunk. | ||
| You get looser. | ||
| But there are certain folks that they go away. | ||
| And then this other guy's there. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things to say. | ||
| They're not making memories right now. | ||
| This is all just unrecorded. | ||
| That's what's really fucked up. | ||
| It's like they're in a dream. | ||
| There's people that have a real issue like that. | ||
| That was always the sign of alcoholism. | ||
| If you black out, that means you're an alcoholic. | ||
| People are like, what do you mean? | ||
| I blacked out like a hundred times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, yeah, you're an alcoholic. | |
| But there is something to say. | ||
| I've been freaking myself out. | ||
| I like to drink, but it seems like every night I come home like, I don't remember the last hour at all. | ||
| But then I'm thinking, wait, I only had three drinks last night. | ||
| I think there's also a lot to do with how much you smoke weed with alcohol. | ||
| Together, make them both jump off. | ||
| Yeah, because I... No, no, no. | ||
| Dude, it's like that's in both... | ||
| Like, jump-started. | ||
| Like, right now, today, I've only smoked weed, and I really don't remember what I did last... | ||
| Like, two hours ago. | ||
| I'm just trying to remember... | ||
| Well, you didn't get much sleep last night either, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is for me. | ||
| It happens a lot, though, where, like, I come home, and I'm like, well, I don't remember much last night, but... | ||
| I smoked like 14 joints. | ||
| Smoking 14 joints is probably a bad idea, but what's a good idea for you is definitely to take a break off the boozing. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's this week. | ||
| Because you're healthy. | ||
| I mean look, what you did with your life as far as like have fun over the last few years, go party, you know, just be at the comedy clubs all the time. | ||
| Great, fun thing that so few people get to do. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with doing it. | ||
| It's like, do you do it and manage how much damage you do to yourself in the process? | ||
| At a certain point in time, I just feel that most folks can't keep drinking. | ||
| Most folks, they get to a certain point in time. | ||
| There's always stories about some guy who's 100 years old, smoked cigarettes, but that guy, the reason why you hear those stories is that's unusual as fuck. | ||
| Most people, when they get to be 50, 60, when they're smokers, they start having real problems. | ||
| Extreme problems. | ||
| Strokes, cancer. | ||
| He drank every day until he died. | ||
| I'm like, how often did you hang out with your grandfather? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's over there jerking off and eating tobacco. | |
| I don't know how much of it is true. | ||
| I know there's always a guy that lives to be 100 and a guy that smokes all the time and he's fine until the day he died. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| I know people that I've seen their body deteriorate. | ||
| I've seen their face start to shrivel in. | ||
| From cigarettes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know that weird thing you do when a guy's a chain smoker and you start to see their face starts to shrivel in? | ||
| It's hardened. | ||
| It's like it's pulling into itself. | ||
| Also the sun of the other. | ||
| They look gray. | ||
| They gotta go outside all the time. | ||
| That leather face. | ||
| That beach face. | ||
| Because you gotta be outside smoking. | ||
| But just, I know several people have died because of cigarettes. | ||
| Several. | ||
| The first was a guy that I knew, well, I guess I don't have any relatives that died from it, but I knew a guy who was at the pool hall he used to hang out with. | ||
| He died slow, man. | ||
| Cancer? | ||
| Yeah, he died slow. | ||
| That James died quick. | ||
| I knew three guys there. | ||
| I knew three guys there that died from cigarettes, that smoked cigarettes every day. | ||
| He changed smoke, then they got cancer and died. | ||
| Does anyone in your family smoke? | ||
| No, not anymore. | ||
| But my sister smoked for a little while. | ||
| My mom smoked for a little while. | ||
| Well, then you're probably good to go. | ||
| You could probably smoke for a good 20 years if you wanted to. | ||
| I'm not into it. | ||
| Thanks, though. | ||
| No, just 20 years. | ||
| Just try it. | ||
| It's probably okay. | ||
| Probably like, I mean, Ari, you have to admit, you used to enjoy smoking. | ||
| Oh, I loved it. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| In China, I was thinking, like, I got the urge back. | ||
| Ooh, because everybody smokes over there, right? | ||
| Everybody smokes. | ||
| Maybe it's the pollution, so I was already feeling it a little too. | ||
| Did you get close? | ||
| Just saying, fuck it? | ||
| No, I was looking at people with their cigarettes going... | ||
| Do you think that you could smoke for like a week and then not get hooked again? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think two cigarettes I'm fully hooked. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| One is still, I could still be like, that was disgusting. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| It might be disgusting, but then it starts going away through your body. | ||
| And then the next day, you'll be like, yeah, I need one. | ||
| I really wish I understood addiction. | ||
| I had a guy on here, Dr. Carl Hart, who explained addictions to me. | ||
| When you're talking to a guy who's super smart and knows a lot about the human body and the mechanisms of addiction, and he's explaining to me, I'm hearing the words he's saying, and I get what he's trying to explain to me, but I totally don't understand the mechanisms of how these addictions work. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| But the way he was saying it was that it's more mental than anything. | ||
| It's more people just, it's in their mind. | ||
| The actual physical addiction, he said, is not that big of a deal. | ||
| Yeah, like the people who eat their couches and stuff. | ||
| People who eat their couches? | ||
| Yeah, you know those weird addictions. | ||
| People who eat their couches? | ||
| Eat the couch cushion out a little bit at a time. | ||
| Oh, Jesus, I haven't seen that. | ||
| I saw a chick who was eating tape. | ||
| Yeah, stuff like that. | ||
| She was addicted to eating tape. | ||
| She would pull the plastic tape, break it off, put it in her mouth and start chewing it. | ||
| But there's nothing chemical to that. | ||
| That's just mental. | ||
| That's crazy person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's just 100% crazy person. | ||
| But that's also an addiction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what's weird about being a person. | ||
| I'm addicted to it. | ||
| Yeah, there's like addictions that are just compulsive. | ||
| They're a habit. | ||
| For whatever reason, you just feel the need to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a cigarette apparently is one of those. | ||
| Food's a big one. | ||
| Food's a big one. | ||
| For some folks, it's the drive-thru. | ||
| That rush that you get when you're not supposed to go to that drive-thru, but you, fuck it, let's do this, and it's like you get an addiction to that feeling. | ||
| It's like they're skydiving. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're stopping at Arby's. | ||
| Well, dude, I've had that feeling. | ||
| You've had that feeling too, especially when you're drunk. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It does feel good to know you're going to get food. | ||
| Yeah, you're going to get some delicious, delicious... | ||
| Remember when we used to walk to Carney's right down the street from the store? | ||
| That's some of the worst shit you could ever eat in your life. | ||
| Yeah, it was so good. | ||
| So good. | ||
| I had it like last year again. | ||
| Yeah, you should never eat it. | ||
| Every time I eat it, I was like, what the fuck did I just do to my body? | ||
| There's no food pyramid where that's on. | ||
| Yeah, you get chili fries on top of a chili dog. | ||
| That's totally an addiction. | ||
| That place is an addictive place. | ||
| Those kind of places are addictive and great. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I'm glad they exist. | ||
| I would go there tomorrow. | ||
| I would go there tomorrow. | ||
| But there's a certain addiction to that. | ||
| This is very peripheral because you're not doing it all day, every day like you can with cigarettes. | ||
| So I would imagine just the ritual aspect of the tradition, of the habit, would be way bigger because you're doing it all day. | ||
| Something to do with your hands, too. | ||
| Yeah, you're doing this all day? | ||
| Dice had to chew on cigarettes for years. | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| Chewing on cigarettes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Chewing for the same six minutes it would have taken to smoke it, and then throws it out and starts a new one. | ||
| That's smart of him, but then he started smoking again. | ||
| Then he started smoking again. | ||
| But then one time I saw him on stage, he threw one out and started a new one, and he goes, What are you doing, Dice? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Toothpicks are $3.99 for $100! | ||
| That's so nice that he would worry about how much money he's spending. | ||
| I'm giving these jerk-offs! | ||
| Yeah, he's got to get a special brand cigarette that he wasn't even smoking for like five years. | ||
| There is something very calming about it, though. | ||
| Like, when you're stressed or if you... | ||
| Do you want a cinnamon stick? | ||
| Oh, yeah, no, no. | ||
| A cigarette? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| There's a real effect. | ||
| But here's what's crazy. | ||
| That real effect is just that you're addicted to cigarettes. | ||
| No, nicotine's calming also. | ||
| But it's not, though. | ||
| It's a stimulant. | ||
| Nicotine is more of a stimulant, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I don't think it has a calming effect. | ||
| It's also, it calms you because you're like, oh, now I don't need a cigarette anymore. | ||
| Well, let's Google that because we live in 2014 and I might be totally wrong. | ||
| But the way it was explained to me and the way Dr. Hart describes it is that what's going on is you have this buildup and this need to get it in your body. | ||
| Then when you get it in your body, you calm yourself. | ||
| So that when you're in a situation where you're very stressed out, you absolutely have extraneous external stress, but you also have the stress of the fact that you need a cigarette. | ||
| Maybe it also seems like the same feeling as when you get a cigarette. | ||
| So when you do actually get stressed, it's like, oh, this reminds me of the time. | ||
| I should have cigarettes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And again, I think what we talked about earlier, that the daily ritual aspect of a cigarette must be incredibly strong because you do it so often, especially if you have a drink. | ||
| How many people tell you they only smoke when they drink? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people. | ||
| Right? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| You know you're doing something bad. | ||
| It's the same thing as eating their carnies. | ||
| You know you're doing something bad and you're like, fuck it. | ||
| It's a ritual. | ||
| When I get drunk, I like to do that. | ||
| It's like the flavor of coffee and cigarettes together is like the best two ingredients that make the best pie ever. | ||
| Yeah, nicotine is a stimulant. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| This is the actual explanation of what nicotine is. | ||
| Nicotine is a potent, boy, here we go, sympathomimectic. | ||
| That's my middle name. | ||
| Parasympathomimectic alkaloid found in the nightshade family of plants and is a stimulant drug. | ||
| Nightshade? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| That sounds cool. | ||
| That's why people like to smoke cigarettes after they fuck. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| It's a nicotinic acetylcholine receptor and agonist. | ||
| It's made from the roots and accumulates in the leaves of plants, which is obviously a tobacco plant. | ||
| I think some other plants have nicotinic. | ||
| There were a lot of words in there I didn't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think you can get nicotine from, I want to say guarana. | ||
| It might be something differently. | ||
| You ever have that acai? | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| That's guarana berries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Acai. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| Is acai guarana? | ||
| It's spelled like something different, right? | ||
| How's it spelled? | ||
| I can never spell it. | ||
| A-C-A-I. Is Nigeria going to play Germany? | ||
| A-C-A-I. That's it. | ||
| Is Nigeria going to play Germany? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a black guy on the Nigerian team. | ||
| I mean, on the German team. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What's so funny? | ||
| I just wondered. | ||
| This acai stuff is so delicious. | ||
| But apparently when you get it in Brazil, you get the pure form of it. | ||
| And a lot of times what we get has a lot of sugar in it. | ||
| I wonder who's got the best acai. | ||
| So I'm wrong. | ||
| It's not that other fruit. | ||
| What did I say it was? | ||
| What did I think it was? | ||
| Uh... | ||
| Guarana? | ||
| Guarana. | ||
| I think Guarana is a totally different thing. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I know. | ||
| But Guarana is some sort of a stimulant. | ||
| Guarana is like caffeine. | ||
| You ever have that shit, that soda, that Brazilian soda? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| At Fogo de Chão, you never have that green Guarana soda? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. | |
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Oh, son, you're missing out. | ||
| If you're going to go to Fogo de Chão and have the full Brazilian experience, you've got to get one of those Guarana sodas. | ||
| I'm going to go back to Brazil. | ||
| Oh, so good. | ||
| I wouldn't go there. | ||
| Or Fogo. | ||
| Yeah, Fogo. | ||
| They have real Fogos. | ||
| They have the original Fogos in Rio. | ||
| Chicken hearts. | ||
| Yeah, they have chicken hearts and organs. | ||
| They love to eat like that, man. | ||
| Those people love to eat like that. | ||
| Guarana has caffeine. | ||
| Yes, it does. | ||
| Caffeine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that stuff has caffeine in it. | ||
| That's what I was getting confused with. | ||
| So guarana, I'm pretty sure is a totally different thing. | ||
| Acai, yeah, it doesn't even look like it. | ||
| Acai is those berries. | ||
| Anyway, the important thing is keep smoking because it simulates you. | ||
| Listen to these guys. | ||
| They're fucking with you, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do it. | |
| It was so good. | ||
| I wonder how many people, as we talked about cigarettes and how bad they were, got the urge and lit up. | ||
| I'm sure they did. | ||
| They're smoking right now. | ||
| At least some. | ||
| Cursing us. | ||
| You know what I wish? | ||
| I wish I'd never smoked my whole life and on my 40th birthday I would start smoking. | ||
| Because who cares? | ||
| By the time you turn 80, who cares if you get cancer? | ||
| Oh my god, you're so retarded. | ||
| Why would it be then? | ||
| Why wouldn't it be when you're 43? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I wonder about you sometimes. | ||
| Maybe that fucking computer sitting in front of the computer editing just cooked you. | ||
| You ever think of that? | ||
| That's what I'm saying, Joe. | ||
| That shit's not good for you. | ||
| You're a different man now. | ||
| Maybe you could do it from a distance with a remote control or something. | ||
| No, because you get addicted to things and you start looking at things and overplaying stuff over and over. | ||
| Oh, when you're video editing me? | ||
| Yeah, when you play something over like three hours in a row. | ||
| That makes it so crazy, right? | ||
| But that's a sign of being really in love with what you're doing. | ||
| You're just really connected. | ||
| You're obsessed with your work. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| You know that when you release those really good ones and you got awesome response online from people. | ||
| It's just work. | ||
| Universally, on that message board, people talk about how great your video editing skills were. | ||
| Did your eyes burn at the end of that? | ||
| I read about it. | ||
| At the end of those nights where you're like, ah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They actually say that is what's happening. | ||
| It's cooking your tear ducts. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| There's something about it, like it dries out your tear ducts. | ||
| It's really bad for you. | ||
| I still cry. | ||
| Well, I got a pair of glasses, and they're yellow. | ||
| They're supposed to cut down on the glare. | ||
| It's less intrusive. | ||
| It's like shooting glasses. | ||
| They look just like the type of glasses you wear on the range. | ||
| Because looking through yellow, it's supposed to be like... | ||
| Remember they have those stupid fucking commercials for those cheap-ass sunglasses? | ||
| HD glasses. | ||
| They're the best sunglasses. | ||
| They would go to the beach and be like, what do you think of these? | ||
| Everything's so much clearer! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and Segura wear those. | ||
| Segura wears them? | ||
| Yeah, me and Tom. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, those are the ones that you're supposed to look at when you look at your computer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're really nice. | |
| HD vision! | ||
| It wraps around my normal spectacles! | ||
| Yeah, you got the side ones too. | ||
| There's a little window on the side. | ||
| Listen, Ari, you got nothing to say to that guy. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| What are you and him going to talk about? | ||
| You're on a bus next to each other for five hours. | ||
| So, what do you do for a living? | ||
| I'm just a comic. | ||
| Where'd you get those glasses? | ||
| Oh, these are my HD wraparounds I've seen on TV. What? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You saw them on TV and you ordered them from TV? They allow me to see you in a totally different light. | |
| Like what? | ||
| I've never met a Jew. | ||
| You can see the horns. | ||
| What is it like being a Jew? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rawr. | |
| What is it like? | ||
| It's my favorite question. | ||
| My favorite stupid question to ask somebody. | ||
| What is it like to whatever? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What's it like to be fucking funny? | ||
| Seven. | ||
| It's like eight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's it like to have those beautiful wraparound yellow sunglasses? | ||
| It's like not having them, but it's way better than that. | ||
| Yeah, people say some weird shit to people sometimes. | ||
| What's it like? | ||
| Yeah, it must be nice. | ||
| What's it like? | ||
| What's it like drinking a Coca-Cola? | ||
| What's it like to have him for a brother? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| For what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For a brother? | |
| Him for a brother. | ||
| What's it like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What's it like to have him for a brother? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's it like to have her for a mom? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Fuck, bro. | ||
| I guess the experience is... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People say douchey things, like, on the sneak tip. | ||
| They can say douchey shit like that where you're not supposed to get mad at them, but you're allowed to anyway. | ||
| It's like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| What kind of question is that? | ||
| It's going nowhere. | ||
| You're wasting everyone's time. | ||
| What's it like to have her for a mom? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What kind of question are you asking me, bitch? | ||
| Like, that's some weird person, right? | ||
| That's a person who's not nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're being douchey with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck them. | |
| Fuck them right back. | ||
| Fuck them right back, son. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Take that shit. | ||
| Joe, did you follow that story about that kidnapping of the kid that they found in the basement? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| What the hell was that about? | ||
| That's so suspect. | ||
| Which kid? | ||
| It's very suspect, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Nancy Grace interviewed the guy, the father, too, I guess, last night. | ||
| I didn't watch it, but I heard it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're trying to tell me that you didn't look in the basement for your son and he was in there for 11 days? | |
| Is that what you're trying to tell me, sir? | ||
| And wasn't he like, I just thought my son was dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| He was just trapped in there? | ||
| He was hiding. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| The official story. | ||
| He died? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, he's alive. | ||
| They went looking for him for like 11 days. | ||
| The kid was in the basement the whole time hiding. | ||
| Hiding behind some shit. | ||
| In a self-built dungeon? | ||
| He decided to make himself like a little house back there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| So whatever. | ||
| He had food and clothes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Obviously, there's something wrong. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, that doesn't seem like a normal kid wants to be around their parents. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Kids don't usually want to hide. | ||
| It must be much more than it. | ||
| For 11 days. | ||
| Oh, you're saying the dad must have done something. | ||
| No way some kid hides for 11 days. | ||
| Something's wrong. | ||
| Whatever it is, whoever did something, it seems like something's wrong. | ||
| How many people are out there like that, that we don't know about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like what? | |
| What percentage of the population is in some terrible place like that, where they're trying to hide from their parents or they're trying to hide from someone in their family or someone they're close to? | ||
| What percentage? | ||
| It is Detroit, Michigan. | ||
| The kid's 11. He might just have a girlfriend. | ||
| He's fucking in a basement somewhere. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He'd be banging in the basement. | ||
| I don't think so, though. | ||
| Because they said they found him solo back there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe he decided to go on an epic masturbation. | ||
| What was he like when they found him? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He had food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had food down there. | ||
| He was hiding. | ||
| But there was blood that was found, like on rags and stuff. | ||
| There's a lot of weird questions about this whole thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| I didn't hear about that part. | ||
| There might be period blood, though. | ||
| It could be, right? | ||
| But do girls get their period now at 11? | ||
| In Detroit they do. | ||
| They do. | ||
| I heard Detroit's becoming a cool city again. | ||
| Is that because of the metal? | ||
| Whoever said that, tell them to go fuck themselves. | ||
| All these artists are moving in there and it's like changing up. | ||
| Listen, I hope that happens. | ||
| But we were just there a little while ago. | ||
| There's houses there that are $500. | ||
| We're going to be kicking ourselves in 20 years. | ||
| You could have gotten a house for $10 and you didn't do it? | ||
| Why didn't you buy $100 at $10? | ||
| All due respect to Kid Rock and Eminem, I'm not moving to fucking Detroit. | ||
| I'm not buying property there. | ||
| It went bad. | ||
| I hope it goes back, but it went bad. | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
| Suddenly build new plants there? | ||
| Well, listen, the folks that are there, I definitely think there's an artist community there. | ||
| We met a lot of cool people that live there, no doubt about it. | ||
| But I'm saying, if you were trying to invest in something that you think you're stealing money, it's going to take a lot of work to bring Detroit back. | ||
| People are cool as fuck, though, man. | ||
| I enjoyed hanging out there. | ||
| People were super nice. | ||
| But I felt bad. | ||
| We were on this river. | ||
| Um, where, uh, these people were fishing and I was like, this water is not clean. | ||
| This is dirty water. | ||
| And they were like, yeah, it is. | ||
| And it was like, it's one of the most, the area around Zug Island is one of the most polluted areas in the country. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And these people were fishing in it. | ||
| And I was like, man, I mean, how, I don't know if they're testing these fish. | ||
| I don't know if people are just eating them. | ||
| There were Chinese people fishing in those fucking dirty, and I was like, what are you doing? | ||
| Even the residents were like, what are you doing? | ||
| They need food, man. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You might have a fish that's not so good, but at least you're not hungry. | ||
| You cook it up good. | ||
| Shit, if you're smoking cigarettes already, you know, what difference does it make if you eat a fucking metallic fish? | ||
| Some fish loaded up with polluted heavy metal pollutions. | ||
| Apparently they checked a fish that they caught outside of Fukushima. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was fine. | ||
| And it was one of the fish... | ||
| This is a science guy who debunks a lot of the myths about, you know, climate change and disasters and all sorts of like... | ||
| He's very, very strict, very concise with his, whether it's politically correct or not. | ||
| He's very scientific about his explanations for these things. | ||
| And he was explaining that this is a fish that is indigenous to this area. | ||
| It doesn't migrate. | ||
| So it's a fish that's been sucking in that water, filled with radiation. | ||
| It's only like a mile off the coast. | ||
| I think it was less than a mile. | ||
| And you can eat it. | ||
| He's like, these fish are fine. | ||
| You don't have to worry about the fish that's in the ocean. | ||
| Have they caught fish that weren't like that? | ||
| They have caught fish that have an elevated amount of radiation in it. | ||
| And this is what's been really fascinating about Fukushima. | ||
| Obviously, I'm a fucking idiot, so when you're listening to me, anything that I say that might sound tricky, Google it. | ||
| What's fascinating about this is that it's opened me up to paying attention to how many different things have radiation. | ||
| There was an article the other day that said Grand Central Station has more radiation naturally occurring because of all that stone, all that marble that they have inside of there. | ||
| Marble gives off a certain amount of natural radiation. | ||
| It radiates. | ||
| And there's more radiation inside that giant train station than is allowable at a nuclear power plant for workers. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But it's natural radiation. | ||
| So that's better for you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Natural cholesterol. | |
| That's where shit gets weird. | ||
| But when you're on a plane, you're taking mega doses. | ||
| We had Ensign Inoue, who lives in Japan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Ensign, he does a lot of relief work for people up in Fukushima, trying to help people and spread the word about how bad the situation is and how many displaced people are up there. | ||
| He said that he brought his Geiger counter with him. | ||
| He brought in a plane. | ||
| He said, when you're in a plane, it's like the same as when you're in Fukushima. | ||
| It's fucking terrible! | ||
| My dad said that you could actually... | ||
| Hang out there for a couple hours and you'll be fine. | ||
| So if you find a fish that's like a mile off shore, that fish is probably not just hanging out at that exact location for, you know, the whole time. | ||
| It probably just swam there, got caught. | ||
| So it's probably safe enough to eat this fish. | ||
| No, but that fish wasn't a migratory fish. | ||
| That was one of the reasons why it was significant. | ||
| I guess, yeah. | ||
| I think it's hard to put in our stupid little heads how big the fucking ocean is. | ||
| It's pretty big. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
| It's so big. | ||
| It's bigger than the continent. | ||
| If you look at what the Pacific Ocean looks like and you look at the continent in North America, we're like this little tiny thing in there. | ||
| We don't show the whole thing on the map because there's not enough room to show the whole thing on the map. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I mean, sort of. | ||
| I mean, look, you don't really get it. | ||
| You don't get it. | ||
| There's no way you get it. | ||
| The only way you get it is when you fly in Australia and you look out the window. | ||
| Just go out there and find it. | ||
| It's so fucking far! | ||
| It's so fucking far! | ||
| There's so much water! | ||
| You can't see an end to the left, you can't see an end to the right, you can't see an end ahead, and you can't see an end behind you. | ||
| Everywhere you look is just water. | ||
| Life of pie. | ||
| Yeah, and you better have a fucking good one of them... | ||
| Yeah, that's the stuff we were going to get back to. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| There was a part in Life of the Pie, I just watched it in 3D the other day, but there was a part in it where the tiger made this crazy face right before he was about to pee on the main character, and it was so trippy. | ||
| It made me wonder why they threw it in there. | ||
| Like, it was very unrealistic. | ||
| And you were saying that you thought the movie kind of felt unrealistic, the tiger. | ||
| Well, it was completely unrealistic as far as the dynamic of the relationship between the guy and the tiger. | ||
| The fact that they fought over food. | ||
| The fact that he beat the tiger back and he was on a boat. | ||
| I mean, that... | ||
| I can go so far if he had superpowers. | ||
| If he was Wolverine or something like that, he could survive. | ||
| But the end explained that. | ||
| You understood the end, how he explained all that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It didn't really happen. | ||
| No, he's hallucinating. | ||
| But during the movie, I'm like, this is just pissing me off. | ||
| Right, because it's too much. | ||
| When he was trying to get up that ladder and he wouldn't let him in the boat, man, that was some deep shit right there. | ||
| It was deep shit. | ||
| But the problem is, that's... | ||
| You know, my only problem with it is the unreal... | ||
| I mean, I shouldn't have a problem with it if it's just a dream. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the unrealistic movement of the cat drove me fucking crazy. | ||
| Because without that, the whole movie does not exist. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| It's just a special effects movie. | ||
| Yeah, because if you... | ||
| Like that Judge Dredd where they all use a slow-mo. | ||
| Did you see that one? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, like, this is, wow, this is a commercial for that camera. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| Hey, did you like Godzilla? | ||
| I'm gonna guess yes. | ||
| Only the end. | ||
| I love the end. | ||
| What was the end? | ||
| When he killed that monster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh. | |
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| No, you can spoil it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just went like this, and I'm holding tight in your headphones. | |
| Don't be spoil alert. | ||
| You get a limited amount of time, and then it's like, go fuck yourself. | ||
| With ample opportunity. | ||
| You can say somebody who's a Super Bowl winner the next day. | ||
| I can give away Star Wars. | ||
| At some point, it's a shitty movie. | ||
| You have a year to watch it. | ||
| It wasn't that shitty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was just dumb. | |
| People are hating on it so much. | ||
| It's like the hipster thing they do. | ||
| It was just so dumb. | ||
| Even Breaking Bad was unpleasant in it. | ||
| It didn't do anything good. | ||
| Why is this storyline in there? | ||
| I almost said what happens to him. | ||
| Say it all. | ||
| It has problems. | ||
| No, don't do that. | ||
| Listen, it was a decent special effects movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Godzilla was most certainly, no spoilers, no spoilers, most certainly the best Godzilla of all time, without a doubt. | ||
| You didn't mind the part where he got knocked out and buried under that building, and then all of a sudden he was up and fighting again, and then the next scene he was back to buried under that building? | ||
| Nobody likes guys getting knocked out with pistols in the movie and then getting up and then duking their way out of a bar. | ||
| Nobody likes that more than me. | ||
| Those are my favorite scenes. | ||
| They're so unrealistic. | ||
| I'm saying not getting up, being buried under a building, suddenly fighting the second Mothra guy, and then back to buried under the building as if he never had gotten out of it. | ||
| Yeah, ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, just terrible editing. | ||
| That really happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He got out. | ||
| I was like, wait, what's happening? | ||
| There was no consistency. | ||
| Yeah, they just edited it wrong. | ||
| How about the dude? | ||
| Yeah, horrible. | ||
| The dude had the worst luck of all time, but yet the best luck. | ||
| Yeah, it was all fine. | ||
| The main character, all these terrible things keep happening, and yet he just stays alive. | ||
| But Godzilla looked awesome. | ||
| What I loved about Godzilla was the face. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| I was going to ask you, Tony said that he hated it because the face was really round and he looked very Japanese and cutesy. | ||
| Cutesy? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Tony's an evil man. | ||
| I think that was Tony who said that. | ||
| I'm pretty sure he's the one that said that. | ||
| He looks Japanese and evil. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| Yeah, cutesy. | ||
| Cutesy. | ||
| I will go with cutesy. | ||
| Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| I don't know why he was thinking about it looking cutesy. | ||
| I thought Godzilla looked awesome. | ||
| He looked pretty cool. | ||
| I had no problem with the look. | ||
| I like the other monster too. | ||
| The movie felt like a bunch of Hollywood people made it. | ||
| Well, like in an afternoon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it just felt like when you have an idea that's that high concept, you can run into cut-the-shit moments. | ||
| You can run into a bunch of cut-the-shit moments. | ||
| And there was just too many of them. | ||
| Way too many. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you could get away with doing a movie like 28 Days Later. | ||
| Obviously, they're completely different types of movies, but there was no cut-the-shit moments in that movie. | ||
| That movie was hard, fucking core. | ||
| There was one. | ||
| Dragged you into it. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What was one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When he's in the... | ||
| Spoiler alert! | ||
| Oh, come on! | ||
| It's been a fucking decade and a half! | ||
| I think probably more. | ||
| What was the spoiler? | ||
| So he goes to that compound with all the army people. | ||
| They turn, because I like it. | ||
| Realistic. | ||
| That's what humans would do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's, you know... | ||
| Not Bukowski. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Somebody's view of the world. | ||
| Nietzsche? | ||
| No, who's that director? | ||
| Kubrick. | ||
| Kubrick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He would always, like, humans will just devolve into animals. | ||
| That's pretty much true. | ||
| Take away society. | ||
| So, that's fine. | ||
| But then he, like, releases, like, one zombie into the, they were keeping. | ||
| But he's, like, suddenly an expert with weapons. | ||
| The whole movie is, like, trying to figure out what's happening. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| They have no clue. | ||
| He's never going to try to find a cure. | ||
| He's not that special. | ||
| And then suddenly he's just got... | ||
| He's really awesome with a machine gun out of nowhere. | ||
| Mo, how long had he been hanging out with those resistors? | ||
| It was too fast. | ||
| Too fast. | ||
| It was the only moment. | ||
| Everything else was great. | ||
| What if he had a background in the military or some shit? | ||
| Yeah, that's right then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you could explain that. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| That's very cliche though. | ||
| The lone guy who's had a background in the military, he's a loner. | ||
| Fucking Walking Dead does the same shit. | ||
| Carl, he's been using a gun. | ||
| He's fucking six. | ||
| He can shoot somebody over his father's shoulder at like eight yards. | ||
| He's older now. | ||
| Carl's been shooting a lot of zombies. | ||
| You get good at shit like that. | ||
| Kids are good at video games. | ||
| Everyone in that world is awesome at guns. | ||
| I feel bad for Carl because he has zero chance of getting laid. | ||
| There's no pussy for Carl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poor Carl. | |
| He's already wandering around shooting fucking zombies. | ||
| There's no pussy. | ||
| He's like some older chicks that might eventually take him. | ||
| Would you cut... | ||
| I'm going to change the question. | ||
| How long till you would... | ||
| Once you heard about cutting off the arms of zombies and like... | ||
| Can I run around with you? | ||
| No, fuck one. | ||
| Fuck one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would worry that... | ||
| Look, dude, I wouldn't fuck someone with AIDS. Imagine fucking someone with a zombie. | ||
| It seems like people with AIDS live a lot longer than zombies. | ||
| People with AIDS look way better than zombies. | ||
| They just need some fucking medication. | ||
| There's modern drugs, okay? | ||
| But I wouldn't do that. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| What? | ||
| Fuck a guy who had AIDS. No. | ||
| What about a girl that is? | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| Okay, no, of course not. | ||
| So why would you fuck a zombie? | ||
| Because there's nobody else to fuck. | ||
| We have other people to fuck. | ||
| But dude, you wouldn't. | ||
| But if there was no one else to fuck? | ||
| Hold a zombie down and jerk off on its back. | ||
| What if there was no one else? | ||
| Oh, yeah, maybe. | ||
| Just fondle his butt. | ||
| But you'd have a problem. | ||
| Caress the butt. | ||
| You'd have a problem. | ||
| You'd still feel like a rapist. | ||
| Imagine holding some girl zombie down and she's screaming and gnashing. | ||
| And you're trying to fuck her. | ||
| You'd feel terrible. | ||
| What if it started screaming a different way? | ||
| You'd feel the... | ||
| What if you fucked them and they came back to life? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I couldn't tell you, but that was a secret. | ||
| You had to fuck me. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| I found a cure that none of you are going to believe. | ||
| Like a prince. | ||
| A prince and a frog. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| The girl had to kiss the frog, right? | ||
| The guy's got to fuck the zombie. | ||
| And boom, she comes back to life. | ||
| But you cut my fucking arms off, asshole. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I thought you were never coming back. | ||
| That's a great idea for a movie and everyone just starts fucking zombies and then you have to fuck the little ones too. | ||
| Sometimes they bite you while you're doing it. | ||
| Fuck, now I've got to turn. | ||
| It would be called Rape the Undead. | ||
| Rape the Undead? | ||
| Yeah, all through the movie would be Death Metal. | ||
| Just guys kicking doors down, holding zombies down, white pale asses bobbing up and down, male and female zombies. | ||
| Just an interracial, intergender orgy of fucking dead people. | ||
| As they get healthy again, they have to start fucking whatever zombies are left. | ||
| Go back to the compound, dude's got a fucking oil drum filled with Viagra. | ||
| I gotta fight the fight! | ||
| For the future. | ||
| Imagine it's like between fucking and biting. | ||
| Like it's a race. | ||
| Between the fuckers and the biters. | ||
| Because the biters would fuck you back a little bit. | ||
| They'd bite you back and the fuckers would fuck. | ||
| It'd be like the game of Othello. | ||
| It totally would be. | ||
| Could you imagine if the only way that you could get them to come back is to fuck them? | ||
| You'd have to fuck everybody. | ||
| You'd even have to fuck your enemies. | ||
| Because you wouldn't want them being zombies and eating your family. | ||
| You have to fuck them. | ||
| Come up with a boner to fuck your landlord. | ||
| That annoying lady who lives down the block. | ||
| The fucking yappy poodle. | ||
| That bitch turned into a zombie. | ||
| You gotta fuck her. | ||
| One zombie's making it really hard for you. | ||
| Like, I got this one. | ||
| Everybody would be rushing to yoga mat places to try to fuck all the yoga zombies. | ||
| Oh yeah, whoever got locked in the yoga, whatever happened there. | ||
| If you could get to a yoga mat, most likely you're going to have some hot chicks in there. | ||
| These in-shaped zombies. | ||
| And that might kind of be a freak thing. | ||
| Or the farts have stayed in there for too long. | ||
| What if the zombie just completely gave in to you? | ||
| What if the zombie started backing up on your dick? | ||
| It was a female yoga zombie. | ||
| She started backing up on your dick. | ||
| She was really into it. | ||
| You're like, holy shit. | ||
| But she still reaches back, claws at you, so you've got to hold her wrists. | ||
| But she's backing into you. | ||
| Yeah, would you go to yoga first? | ||
| Yes, that's the first place I'd go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I was on a mission to save the world, I'd go Korean barbecue. | |
| Korean barbecue. | ||
| Yeah, but you see, it's a race between if you could fuck them before they can bite you or their friends bite you. | ||
| So you can't go into places like a fucking Korean barbecue solo. | ||
| Plus, if they bite you, they might eat you. | ||
| If you don't come back at all. | ||
| They might eat you. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| They might kill you. | ||
| You only turn into one of them if they bite you a little. | ||
| If they bite you a little, yeah. | ||
| Get a little blood on you. | ||
| I come fast, so I won't be worried. | ||
| How fast? | ||
| Because I'd be making an army real quick. | ||
| I think you need to fill them up. | ||
| I think every time you come inside of them, they get a little less zombie. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| More human. | ||
| You've got to hold them down for weeks. | ||
| Chain them up in your basement. | ||
| Just bang them. | ||
| But then the problem would be you'd both get addicted to having sex in that way. | ||
| Once you become a normal person... | ||
| Yeah, how long till you get hard every time you hear... | ||
| You would start just... | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Maybe you just automatically hear that. | ||
| You hold a chick's hands behind her back. | ||
| She's like, what the fuck? | ||
| I don't like this, Ari. | ||
| Cut this shit. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I thought we were playing rape zombie. | ||
| What would be gross is they would all come back to life, but half of them would be missing chunks of their neck. | ||
| They heal up! | ||
| So they heal up! | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| So she's got no lips. | ||
| She's a sweet girl. | ||
| She draws pictures of the things she wants. | ||
| I like walking down. | ||
| If you hold them to that hand too much, it just evaporates. | ||
| Their hand breaks off in your hand. | ||
| But now they're a regular person. | ||
| They start crying and looking at their stubs. | ||
| Why is it that's a thing that people are constantly worried about? | ||
| They're constantly worried about the zombie apocalypse. | ||
| That's like a reoccurring theme in movies. | ||
| Fucking Bible. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| There's no such thing as zombies in the Bible. | ||
| But do you think it's because people worry that... | ||
| It's so loosely put together. | ||
| Society is so loosely put together. | ||
| They could easily become that. | ||
| They could easily just fuck up. | ||
| Something can go wrong. | ||
| What would make it go wrong? | ||
| Some fucking disease that gives us rabies or something. | ||
| You think of things like that? | ||
| Like, oh, don't go near that squirrel. | ||
| He's got rabies. | ||
| When 12 Monkeys came out, I was like, that shit's real, man. | ||
| That shit's real. | ||
| They have toxins that can get with everybody. | ||
| That was a terrifying movie. | ||
| There's a lot of those movies. | ||
| How many of those apocalyptic movies are there? | ||
| Tons. | ||
| Fuckload of them, man. | ||
| 28 days later, 28 weeks. | ||
| What was the rage one? | ||
| That was 28 days later. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There was something that they, a chimp disease, right? | ||
| They manufactured it and then it got into people. | ||
| It got out. | ||
| Goddamn, that was a good zombie movie. | ||
| They were fast as fuck. | ||
| Like, oh wow, it's way worse if they're really fast. | ||
| Way better. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck they went back to slow zombies after that. | ||
| 28 days later would be 10 times more epic if those motherfuckers were fast. | ||
| Like that rage. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| If those motherfuckers were fast, that movie would be, that show would be so different. | ||
| They're all adrenaline, just running after you as fast as possible. | ||
| I don't know if you could do it. | ||
| I mean, maybe one of the elements in being able to construct these stories that take place over long periods of time is that the zombies can't be the biggest threat. | ||
| Because if they're not the biggest threat, then people sort of become the biggest threat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because that show is a show about, the zombies are sort of periphery at this point. | ||
| Like, what the show's really all about is people, like, turning on people. | ||
| What, what, what? | ||
| Walking Dead? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| That's what it's all about. | ||
| Yeah, zombies are like, yeah, it's just like a speed bump. | ||
| This should be nothing. | ||
| It should be nothing. | ||
| I used to go crazy when I watched that show and they were all at the prison and they were all outside. | ||
| I'm like, why aren't you killing them? | ||
| And then one day it became a problem. | ||
| They're right there. | ||
| They're pressed up against the cage. | ||
| Occasionally you'd see them kill them, but there were days on end where they're out there planting tomatoes. | ||
| I thought about that. | ||
| Because they're right outside the fence, you mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's millions of them. | ||
| Just fucking kill them every day. | ||
| That's what you do today, dude. | ||
| That's what you do today. | ||
| Just catch them on fire. | ||
| You know, just pour hot lava on them. | ||
| That's too hard. | ||
| Why would you do that when you're just stabbing the head? | ||
| You're stabbing the head. | ||
| It takes five seconds. | ||
| That's your workout for today. | ||
| Yeah, that's your workout. | ||
| Well, if there were so many, you could just mow them all down in big portions of gas and stuff. | ||
| See, that's what you're thinking. | ||
| You're taking the lazy way out. | ||
| You don't want a goddamn exercise. | ||
| I'm thinking like one of those minors axes. | ||
| One of those pickaxes. | ||
| And you're just doing like kettlebell exercises. | ||
| Just smashing... | ||
| These zombie things in the head, yeah. | ||
| In a switch, you've got to do a lot of lefties because you don't want to imbalance your back. | ||
| Do you think you could do that, even if it was a zombie? | ||
| Because I think I'd be like, eee! | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I could do that right now. | ||
| If it was a crew of zombies, I wouldn't need any preparation. | ||
| There are zombies up against a fence. | ||
| It wouldn't even take me five seconds to stab the first zombie in the head. | ||
| If you gave me a nice big sword type thing, and there were zombies, and I had to stab them, I would immediately start stabbing zombies. | ||
| Yeah, but you would see the human elements of them. | ||
| Like a little necklace. | ||
| You're like, oh, that necklace. | ||
| Nope, right in the brain. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| That's not a little kid. | ||
| That's a monster. | ||
| Off with his head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They always have that when somebody sees their kid. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| Stabby, stabby. | ||
| I know how to get over things. | ||
| That's stabbing through the face. | ||
| I don't help you get over it. | ||
| I'm so fucked up. | ||
| That was the most fucked up part of that show where guys had to kill their wives and shit and kill their family members and kill their daughters. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| The one guy that kept his daughter locked up and thought she was sick. | ||
| He kept talking to her all the time. | ||
| That's dark. | ||
| That is dark, dark, dark. | ||
| It would be that example of it. | ||
| It would be that example. | ||
| That very specific scenario would definitely take place with a lot of people. | ||
| It would be too hard for them to take... | ||
| And also they would also hope that one day there'd be a cure. | ||
| Yeah, so we could save them. | ||
| But they're carrying this threat around all the time. | ||
| I wonder if you could have the same show with that 28 Days Later style. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, just people surviving like that? | ||
| The zombies much faster. | ||
| So much faster. | ||
| But would the stories be the same? | ||
| Because it seems like the zombies would be a way bigger threat. | ||
| Yeah, they're on you at any time, and then it's over. | ||
| Yeah, they were a way bigger threat. | ||
| So you couldn't have as many relationships with people that go bad. | ||
| You wouldn't really get to that. | ||
| You'd just be scrambling for survival. | ||
| And these things would be... | ||
| I'm fucking chasing after you full clip with crazy bloodshot eyes. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| I was 28 weeks later... | ||
| It was pretty good, too. | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty good. | ||
| It wasn't as good, but it's pretty goddamn good. | ||
| Pretty goddamn good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a realistic monster scenario, not like Godzilla. | ||
| Oh, there's something that's on the ocean. | ||
| It's been there the whole time waiting. | ||
| Oh, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We tried to kill it during World War II. They were trying to kill it. | ||
| That's with the nuclear bomb. | ||
| They weren't tests. | ||
| They were trying to kill something. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It was so badly acted. | ||
| I've seen the tests, you dummy. | ||
| You can watch the animated GIF online. | ||
| Those tests that they did in the South Pacific, they weren't shooting Godzilla. | ||
| You can't rewrite history. | ||
| Shitbox movie. | ||
| They did that in the X-Men too. | ||
| What? | ||
| They said that Kennedy was a mutant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bitch! | |
| Stop. | ||
| How do you think one man got shot three times by one bullet? | ||
| He was trying to curve the bullet away. | ||
| Bitch! | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| You guys, I can't believe you left that in the script. | ||
| That's one of the... | ||
| Someone should have been in the room. | ||
| You need to take it to a board of people who will watch this and tell you what's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, just normal people. | ||
| We're all sitting around smoking a joint. | ||
| Why would he do that? | ||
| Why would he do that? | ||
| We should offer that as a service. | ||
| The Death Squad movie reviews. | ||
| We'll sit down, watch a movie together, and then give them feedback. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why the fuck will we listen to you, assholes? | |
| We'll give you honest feedback. | ||
| We'll cuss in our feedback, probably. | ||
| We'll be like, that was fucking stupid. | ||
| That guy would never do that. | ||
| You know what they would need? | ||
| They would need something where you would agree to not talk about it. | ||
| If it was really bad. | ||
| They would need that. | ||
| That's how you know a movie's going to suck when there's no critic reviews because they don't put it before the critics. | ||
| They're like, you guys are going to pan it and they'll know it. | ||
| When you see no ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, avoid that movie. | ||
| The day before. | ||
| They know it's a piece of shit. | ||
| Not even those people are deluded enough to think people will like this. | ||
| There's also weird movies that they don't release for years. | ||
| They sit on the shelf and they're like, do you remember Antonio Banderas, The 13th Warrior? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| It was originally called, like, The Eater of the Dead. | ||
| It was a, um... | ||
| God, who was the fuckin'... | ||
| What happened to Antonio Banderas? | ||
| He's just chillin', man. | ||
| He got a lot of money. | ||
| Just enjoying himself in cartoons? | ||
| Eating pineapples and drinking margaritas and shit. | ||
| Eaters of the Dead. | ||
| The 13th Warrior. | ||
| 6.6. | ||
| Yeah, it was one of those movies that took a long time to come out. | ||
| It was a Michael Crichton book. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, I think I read it. | ||
| Either I read it or I started to read it. | ||
| I think I started to read it, but I never actually read it. | ||
| But it's from a long time ago. | ||
| The book is from 1976. Really? | ||
| Yeah, the book is, like, way more involved, though, and much more, like... | ||
| Oh, you think? | ||
| Much creepier. | ||
| Books always get it better. | ||
| Well, they do better than this Antonio Banderas movie. | ||
| It was way over budget, apparently. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you go over budget? | ||
| They'd only made $62 million. | ||
| This is how much money they lost. | ||
| It made $62 million, but the budget was more than $100 million. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, Chihuahua. | ||
| You know what looks stupid is that I Frankenstein movie. | ||
| Oh my god, who said you could make that? | ||
| Who said you could make that? | ||
| Who said you could make that? | ||
| Could you imagine if you sit down with the guys who wanted to make that and go, wait a minute, wait a minute, what? | ||
| You're having a sexy Frankenstein? | ||
| Did you just tell me you're having a sexy Frankenstein? | ||
| Joe, I could have sworn tomatoes. | ||
| I could have sworn I walked in this office and you told me you wanted me to invest movie in a sexy Frankenstein. | ||
| I did not say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, listen, listen, listen. | |
| This is what we got. | ||
| We got fucking vampires, okay? | ||
| The vampires are sexy. | ||
| Women are going for that. | ||
| They are going to go. | ||
| What's the difference between a vampire and Frankenstein? | ||
| Frankenstein is actually alive now. | ||
| They were both dead, okay? | ||
| Frankenstein is alive. | ||
| So, a sexy Frankenstein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And who can pull it off? | |
| I'll tell you. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Aaron Eckhart? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's it? | ||
| Aaron Eckhart? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aaron Eckhart. | |
| That's who can pull it off. | ||
| That is our sexy Frankenstein. | ||
| This is what we've been missing, Ari. | ||
| This is our fucking Twilight. | ||
| So wait, he's not going to be a big zombie anymore? | ||
| He's not going to be a big wolf? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| He's beautiful. | ||
| He's delicious. | ||
| He talks well. | ||
| He looks like a guy who's been in a rough street fight. | ||
| Maybe that should be a different monster. | ||
| It's clearly not Frankenstein. | ||
| Hey, easy. | ||
| Dracula wasn't even allowed to go in the sun, but the Edward guy just sparkled. | ||
| You can change the rules. | ||
| It's part of fiction. | ||
| Why was that? | ||
| Seattle's Overcast? | ||
| Is that how they got rid of that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they said Seattle's overcast. | ||
| Don't put the vault. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it was. | ||
| That's why he went up there. | ||
| They went to Pacific Northwest. | ||
| That's why they moved up there. | ||
| The sun never comes out. | ||
| But when it does come out, they glisten. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they don't die like a real fucking vampire. | ||
| They change the rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's why it's bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why. | |
| Can you pull up without us getting pulled off of YouTube? | ||
| I don't know if it's possible. | ||
| See if you can pull up a video of Frankenstein with no volume. | ||
| Don't put any volume on it. | ||
| And let's just mock how it looks. | ||
| It won't matter. | ||
| Jamie, they'll still pull it? | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Fuck it then. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Look at it for yourself. | ||
| You know what we need to do? | ||
| We need to set it up on that thing so we can watch it without it being... | ||
| 4kspecial.com TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We'll do that from now on. | ||
| There's no copyright in China. | ||
| Is this new Frankenstein movie the same story? | ||
| Does he play a dumb guy, but he's sexy? | ||
| He's fighting these winged creatures. | ||
| Yeah, he's making shit up. | ||
| They're making shit up. | ||
| I thought he was like, oh, fire. | ||
| No. | ||
| He sparkles when he goes outside. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| It's all bullshit. | ||
| I hate that spot. | ||
| And he's smoldering. | ||
| Meanwhile, how the fuck is that guy still in class? | ||
| Can you imagine you're a thousand years old, you keep going to class because you don't want to make anybody suspicious? | ||
| Oh, when did Columbus discover? | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| I was alive back then. | ||
| 14, yeah, that's right. | ||
| He was actually like the Spanish flu that killed him, which was I think in the 1900s. | ||
| Killed who? | ||
| Edward. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| From Twilight. | ||
| And so he died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He died? | |
| Spanish flu. | ||
| Big Spanish flu. | ||
| And that killed the vampire? | ||
| The vampire. | ||
| He got vampired right around the same time. | ||
| That's how he stayed alive forever. | ||
| Oh, oh, oh. | ||
| Same time. | ||
| Back in the Spanish flu days. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So he's only been around for like 100 years or so. | ||
| He's old enough to know that he shouldn't be in high school anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking idiot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trying to pretend. | ||
| It's like the idea is that he died when he was in high school. | ||
| So we keep him in high school forever. | ||
| You can do better. | ||
| No, why? | ||
| How about you just grow a beard? | ||
| How about just say, oh, actually, I'm older than I look. | ||
| Yeah, just say I look young for my age. | ||
| Hey, don't... | ||
| That was something that I read today online where it was showing how many Asian women could be like almost 50 and they look like they're 20 years old. | ||
| Is that really true? | ||
| You just got back from China. | ||
| Oh, they look 50. Oh, they look younger, not 20. But they look super young. | ||
| 50 looks like 30? | ||
| I'd say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, they stay in shape. | ||
| Low-sugar diets. | ||
| Low-sugar diets and they stay in shape. | ||
| Yeah, they walk around a lot. | ||
| At least in the few cities I went to. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I know a couple girls that are like 45. And I mean, they look pretty sexy. | ||
| Yeah, Asian girls keep it for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why is that, you think? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's just better genetics that way. | ||
| More alien DNA? Just that type of DNA. That's my theory. | ||
| No, it's just the type that stays young longer. | ||
| Jews have the kind that makes you smarter. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Asians have the kind that makes you look... | ||
| How did... | ||
| Black don't crack. | ||
| Without... | ||
| At risk of sounding really racist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Although I'm not. | ||
| Start recording now. | ||
| If you look at all the different races, and obviously there's some sort of biological explanation for this, but how the fuck did so many Asian people have such similar features? | ||
| How the fuck did so many African people have such similar features? | ||
| How did they start? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing when you look around at how many Chinese people have black hair and And similar skin tone. | ||
| How many black people have that hair and similar skin tone? | ||
| I mean, it's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, those whites have a variety. | ||
| Well, people who are of mixed race. | ||
| Like my family, a lot of it comes from Sicily. | ||
| And you remember that scene from True Romance? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're an eggplant. | |
| The Moors. | ||
| But I think the Moors were Sephardic people. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| It's like Morocco. | ||
| It's like breeds of dogs. | ||
| All Shih Tzus look like Shih Tzus. | ||
| All white people look like mutts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Now here's what's weird. | ||
| Because breeds of dogs were engineered. | ||
| That's why it's crazy. | ||
| Breeds of dogs originally were all wolves. | ||
| All dogs were at one point in time who knows how many thousands of years ago. | ||
| They have no idea when people started domesticating dogs. | ||
| But they assumed that it was right around the time civilization was invented. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| And that's when breeds became a thing? | ||
| Yeah, it's like 10,000 years of breeding. | ||
| That's what you're looking at when you look at a shih tzu, when you look at a husky, when you look at a wolf. | ||
| It's the same animal. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It started off the same animal. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Dog. | ||
| Dog. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| They all come from wolves, which is the weirdest thing. | ||
| An English bulldog. | ||
| He domesticated a wolf who was like, let's get the two coolest wolves. | ||
| Well, they had an episode about it on the Cosmos. | ||
| It was really fascinating. | ||
| The Cosmos show? | ||
| Have you watched that? | ||
| No, I've heard it's great. | ||
| God damn, it's good. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| And it pisses off religious people. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| They're like, well, we want the whatever theory explained, too. | ||
| Intelligent design. | ||
| Yeah, and he goes, why would I include that? | ||
| There's no scientific basis for it. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| We're talking about science. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| Yeah, he's awesome. | ||
| He's awesome as fuck. | ||
| I'm not talking about that. | ||
| What happened was, apparently... | ||
| According to the cosmos, is that some wolves got friendlier with people because the people would feed them. | ||
| And then they kept coming around, the people would feed them, they developed a relationship, and then those wolves would chase off the other wolves. | ||
| And then they only bred with the wolves that were friendly. | ||
| Nice wolves. | ||
| Yeah, those wolves eventually became dogs over who knows how many thousands of years. | ||
| Selective breeding, bringing certain dogs, wolves that behaved in certain ways together. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how many generations it took to do it. | ||
| Yeah, me neither. | ||
| But yeah, that's what humans are. | ||
| That's what humans are. | ||
| That's what we're like. | ||
| Did you have to tell you my new theory about why black people are late? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| So, you've heard about black people's time and how they're just late. | ||
| I have no idea what you're talking about. | ||
| That's a racial stereotype. | ||
| I've never even heard it. | ||
| If you haven't heard, now you heard. | ||
| I never say anything bad about black people. | ||
| It's like Don Barris says, there's only one race. | ||
| The human race. | ||
| Aw, you sweet. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Because when you were slaves, time didn't matter at all. | ||
| What about Jamaicans? | ||
| They're on time. | ||
| Jamaicans are slaves too, aren't they? | ||
| I think they were slaves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a poor example. | ||
| Any black people over here? | ||
| What about Africans? | ||
| Actual Africans? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hard-working people. | ||
| Some of the hardest working people you'll ever hire are African Africans. | ||
| Those are the drug dealers in Beijing and Hong Kong. | ||
| Are you ratting them out on the podcast? | ||
| Just like that? | ||
| Well, the black people. | ||
| You're ratting them out? | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| As a race. | ||
| Dude, you shouldn't do that because I bet the Chinese authorities had no idea. | ||
| They know. | ||
| I bet it was a complete mystery. | ||
| Cracked by Ari Shafir on the Joe Rogan podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He explained. | ||
| Imagine if they got angry and they started going after you. | ||
| This is something that you would think about if you ate way too much pot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you ate way too much pot, you're like, why did I give up the fact that they were drug dealers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I'm such an idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| What was I thinking? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I ratted out all the drug dealers. | ||
| You! | ||
| That guy from the podcast! | ||
| I saw your podcast! | ||
| You think it's for... | ||
| You want drugs from me? | ||
| Yes, I'd love some. | ||
| Imagine that shit, dude. | ||
| You'd be tripping. | ||
| Now you get none. | ||
| No, they would kill you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Serve you. | ||
| That's worse than not selling you. | ||
| How many weeks were you over there? | ||
| Two and a half. | ||
| And you were in China. | ||
| You were in Singapore. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| I'm just making shit up. | ||
| Vietnam. | ||
| Did you go to Africa? | ||
| Shanghai. | ||
| South America. | ||
| Shanghai and a few cities around there. | ||
| Beijing. | ||
| And then Hong Kong. | ||
| So what was the biggest city out of those? | ||
| Shanghai. | ||
| Shanghai's huge, right? | ||
| 24 million. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's like a New York 24 million, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Manhattan has nine. | ||
| But I mean, like, New York's stuffed in there. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's stuffed in. | ||
| It's like an enormous stuffed in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stuffed in. | |
| There's a few places with, like, one-story things, but not much. | ||
| Everything's just tall buildings. | ||
| Because LA's 20 million people, but the good news is they're flat out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The flattened out, I think, alleviates a little bit of pressure. | ||
| Shanghai was completely flat. | ||
| So, but it's low, like, single-story? | ||
| Like, buildings, tall buildings and stuff? | ||
| Oh, all short buildings. | ||
| No, I'm saying actually the ground is flat. | ||
| So you can bike around real easily and walk around. | ||
| That's not what I meant. | ||
| I meant that they stack on top of each other. | ||
| Yeah, no, they have high rises there. | ||
| See, that's the difference between New York and LA. New York doesn't really have those. | ||
| Yeah, completely safe. | ||
| Or excuse me, LA doesn't really have those. | ||
| 100% safe. | ||
| No one's doing anything to anybody. | ||
| LA has those apartments on Wilshire. | ||
| A few. | ||
| It's like Century City. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't really have it. | ||
| Fairly big. | ||
| Like 16 floors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did they like Americans? | ||
| Or did you feel like they... | ||
| Didn't care that you were there. | ||
| Well, the shows I played to were for expats. | ||
| It was like 15-20% Americans. | ||
| So the rest of it was Chinese? | ||
| No, the rest was English, Australians. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they're cool. | ||
| I mean, they're a little bit conservative because they don't have any plumbers that are over there. | ||
| They have people that work for the embassy or people that work for banks. | ||
| So the people are a little more conservative and smarter. | ||
| But they're adventurous people. | ||
| People that go work in Shanghai or in Hong Kong instead of where they're from. | ||
| You guys are the cool people that want to do stuff. | ||
| That's a good way of looking at it. | ||
| I mean, it was. | ||
| They were all cool. | ||
| Or running from the law in other countries. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But those are often the good people as well. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So who set this up? | ||
| Well, you don't have to tell me the person's name, but so you had your agent set this up? | ||
| Yeah, I think Rhodes talked to my agent at an airport, and he tells him he goes on those things, and he got me and Schubert. | ||
| Schubert went, too, a different time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, so it was just these scenes. | ||
| They start their own scene, and then they'll bring out a guy to do their four rooms, and then they'll team up with another guy in another scene. | ||
| Wow, and these guys fly from America. | ||
| No. | ||
| There is, and this is the coolest part. | ||
| There are brand new comedy scenes starting from scratch. | ||
| In China? | ||
| In China. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Both in Chinese now and English speaking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And the people that are already there, they're working for banks, they're working as teachers, and then they see a show and somebody goes, hey, guess what everybody, there's going to be an open mic next Thursday because they found some bar that will allow it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then somebody tries, so these people there are like, Longest is like three years. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, it's all starting from scratch. | ||
| There's no rules. | ||
| There's no like, this is the way it is. | ||
| You have to wait until these guys move on. | ||
| There's nowhere to learn from either other than YouTube. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so cool. | |
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| From scratch. | ||
| It was really exciting. | ||
| What if they take over? | ||
| Imagine if China takes over and becomes the number one comedy community in the world. | ||
| That'd be hilarious. | ||
| But China has this style of comedy that's like this thousand-year-old Abbott and Costello with cadence changes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the new guys that speak both are trying to do regular style comedy? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And people are like, wait, I don't understand. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Oh, so it's a cadence issue. | ||
| Yeah, it's way different than they're used to. | ||
| I saw a guy, there's a video about a guy from Canada who moved to China and became a comedian. | ||
| He was a comedian in America, but he learned Chinese. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, learned Chinese, speaks, you know, which one, Mandarin, I don't know which one. | ||
| Yeah, those people have done that. | ||
| Des Bishop did it for the last year, took a bunch of Mandarin classes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Who's this Des Bishop? | ||
| He's big in Ireland, but he's from New York originally. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I think he did a show. | ||
| That's a ballsy move. | ||
| It's a ballsy move. | ||
| He lived in Beijing for a year. | ||
| Now he's in his second year. | ||
| Can you imagine going from not speaking Chinese to speaking Chinese for a fucking living in front of Chinese people? | ||
| It's such a foreign language. | ||
| Making fun of the alphabet and why certain symbols look like certain things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And how difficult is it to learn how to talk in that language? | ||
| He said you can't translate your bits. | ||
| You've got to write new bits for it. | ||
| Because the references are so off that it just won't. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it was. | ||
| A lot of it, something really big in Chinese culture is losing face. | ||
| Like, way bigger than you would think. | ||
| Being embarrassed, you mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, like, losing faces, like, say, I'm trying to pay for a meal, and you're like, no, I got it. | ||
| I'm like, no, no, I got it. | ||
| You're like, no, no, I can pay. | ||
| I'm like, I'd be like, hey, man, you gotta let me do this here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I put my card out. | ||
| Like, you gotta let me do this. | ||
| You can't embarrass me in front of these people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I see. | |
| It's more than just, like, slight embarrassment. | ||
| That's another reason why there's less crime, is because people are like, what am I getting caught? | ||
| Fucking shoplifting? | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| You know how embarrassed I'll be? | ||
| So they go out of the way to not be that person. | ||
| So is there statistically less crime than America? | ||
| It's so safe. | ||
| Shanghai. | ||
| They say women can walk 3.30 in the morning drunk and no one's touching them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The only violence is acts of rebellion against this country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Against that country, I mean. | ||
| Yeah, where people take out machetes and fucking hack up a Mahjong game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Which they show on the subways, by the way. | ||
| They show Mahjong games on the subways? | ||
| No. | ||
| They show Mahjong games getting hacked by these fucking Uyghurs. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| In South China. | ||
| These Uyghurs are rebelling. | ||
| They're the 7% minority, ethnically. | ||
| What are they? | ||
| What's a Uyghur? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a different ethnic group. | ||
| I'm not fully sure. | ||
| I think W-I-E-G-E-R? But it might be W-E-G-E-R. You can put ethnic W-E and it'll probably come up. | ||
| Comes up a gun. | ||
| Yeah, they look a little different. | ||
| They have different food. | ||
| And they're 7%. | ||
| And in some cities, like 1%. | ||
| But they don't, I don't know, they don't like, they want to break off or something. | ||
| So they're the ones who got the big stabbings that were going on. | ||
| And there were these videos of this mahjong playing game going on. | ||
| And this guy just lifts up his shirt, pulls out an axe, a little hand axe, and just starts axing this guy. | ||
| And then the other guy, who's also watching, he's like, oh, it's on? | ||
| And he just picks up his shirt and starts fucking axing these people. | ||
| Yeah, and then everyone, like, this mayhem, somebody, like, is what, they try to tackle him. | ||
| He comes back, tries to ax this girl a few more times. | ||
| Then they chase him down. | ||
| Uyghur. | ||
| The way it's spelled. | ||
| It's a very unusual spelling. | ||
| It's spelled U-Y-G-H-U-R. Wow. | ||
| I would not have guessed that. | ||
| Say that again. | ||
| U-Y-G-H-U-R. Wow. | ||
| It's also spelled in another instance U-I-G-H-U-R. So U-Y or U-I. And they're Chinese Muslims. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're always starting to trouble, the Muslims. | ||
| Always with the violence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Yeah, but they show this on the subway and it's with the kids there. | ||
| It's like, Jesus, they really... | ||
| I mean, they blur it right as the hacking goes on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| It goes into the head and stuff. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So you can see that when you're on the train? | ||
| Yeah, they show everybody. | ||
| Now they have complete control over the media, of all the media. | ||
| So the government has complete control. | ||
| Yeah, and it's not hidden. | ||
| What does that feel like? | ||
| What does that feel like? | ||
| Well, they kind of don't know that they're getting the real story. | ||
| So they say it's the Uyghurs, but you know how there's rumors like, I don't know what Al-Qaeda is and what the other one is? | ||
| It's like they say that, but who knows what that really is? | ||
| Right. | ||
| What's the other group? | ||
| Al-Qaeda and... | ||
| Taliban. | ||
| Yeah, and like... | ||
| But there, they just like, we really don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| But, you know, it's different than here, and it's the same as here. | ||
| It's like they were going to put chips in all the computers so that you couldn't go on sites that China didn't allow. | ||
| You can't go to Google, but you can go on a VPN and just go through a different server and get all the stuff. | ||
| You know, Google's very concerned about China. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're concerned also. | ||
| Other companies are concerned about China because China will just copy shit. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| Like, they have fake Apple stores that are just totally fake. | ||
| Fake Apple stores? | ||
| My friend, Turner Sparks, who's helping running the scene in Shanghai, So he's bringing Mr. Softy to China. | ||
| He got like a licensing agreement. | ||
| The ice cream? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's bringing these Mr. Softy trucks out there. | ||
| And they're starting to do good. | ||
| And then someone else will just paint up another van exactly like Mr. Softy. | ||
| The same exact colors. | ||
| Serve the same things. | ||
| And just park it right in front of his Mr. Softy van. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It just looks like he put two vans there together at the same time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And the government doesn't do anything. | ||
| It's like, what did they do? | ||
| You had a good idea? | ||
| Now they're doing it. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's hard. | ||
| You don't even think in terms of copyright laws. | ||
| Yeah, they don't think in terms of litigation either, right? | ||
| It's just a totally different kind of culture as far as our constant suing of each other back and forth. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| It's interesting when you see that, though. | ||
| I mean, it's got to be really fascinating for you to come from our American culture and be immersed in their culture for three weeks. | ||
| I've never done that before. | ||
| It was cool. | ||
| I've been to Brazil for a few days, but a lot of Brazilians speak English. | ||
| After like seven, eight, nine days, though, it started to become normalized a little bit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I could really observe stuff. | ||
| Plus, I got a little lonely, so I could make friends easier once you need to. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How long did you stay in the same place? | ||
| Shanghai was the first night and we went to like suburbs of Shanghai for a few days and then back to Shanghai for two days. | ||
| They have a proper club called Kung Fu Comedy which is like... | ||
| Listen, you proper. | ||
| Saying proper like an Englishman. | ||
| But I mean, yeah. | ||
| It's like it works out as a club. | ||
| There's one room that looks like the belly room and it's just like, oh, this is a cool place. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Other places where bars where they try to set it up, you know. | ||
| That's cool, man. | ||
| But it's all these expats who need something English-speaking. | ||
| It's kind of like the USO tours, you'd ever hear about that, where they're always really thankful. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| No hecklers. | ||
| They're just so happy that there's English-speaking comedy. | ||
| And how many of those people knew you from online? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| No, no, no, not zero. | ||
| Like, a couple. | ||
| So most people are just there because they're checking out new comics that come into town every week. | ||
| Yeah, and some guy's like, man, I'm a big fan of yours. | ||
| Like, oh, thanks. | ||
| He goes, yeah, I checked out those videos on the website that they showed. | ||
| I was like, oh, that means you saw who was playing, and then you watched the video. | ||
| You're not a big fan. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| You became a big fan super recently. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It wasn't like excited. | ||
| There were some podcast listeners, a few here or there, that one show in Shanghai had like seven or eight. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So Shanghai is just developing a reputation, like these scenes are developing a reputation for bringing funny people around, so folks just come out to see who the new guy is. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like once a month they can bring in an out-of-towner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And the scene starts, but you can only do the room like twice with any joke before they're like, yeah, we've all seen it, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Because you're drawing from a city of 50,000 tops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| In a city of 24 million, there's 50,000 English speakers. | ||
| So do they write a lot there? | ||
| They have to. | ||
| But you know, the open mic days, that's how you did it anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You'd write a lot. | ||
| Every week, you'd be like, oh, they're performing in front of the same guys. | ||
| Gotta come up with a new joke. | ||
| That's the worst when it's almost all comics in the room and just a couple audience members, but the comics have all seen your shit before. | ||
| You can't even do the tagline. | ||
| We're not going with you for seven minutes for your one new bit. | ||
| Yeah, your barely new tagline. | ||
| It's just a better version of an old tagline. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do it. | ||
| You see my new tagline? | ||
| It's not really, it's just better. | ||
| It's not that new. | ||
| I've seen your act a hundred times. | ||
| Just riffing up there. | ||
| That's the worst though when there's no one in the audience that's beaten down and tired and you know there's more comics in the audience than the audience is. | ||
| So Shanghai's just emerging. | ||
| And they have a city outside, like a 40 minute bullet train outside there called Suzhou that had this real small town feel. | ||
| 10 million people. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| A small town feel? | ||
| Everything closed early. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| 10 million people and everything closed early. | ||
| So is it like Chicago sized? | ||
| 10 million. | ||
| That's bigger than Manhattan. | ||
| Shanghai. | ||
| I mean Suzhou. | ||
| Suzhou. | ||
| When they say Manhattan, do they just mean only the island? | ||
| Yeah, we're not talking about the actual full city. | ||
| Do they ever actually say that, or do they say New York City? | ||
| The Triboroughs or something? | ||
| Is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know what New York City means. | ||
| The Five Boroughs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not Triborough. | ||
| It's Five Boroughs, right? | ||
| It's Long Island, Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, Manhattan. | ||
| There's a Triborough Bridge. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Is that how you say it? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck they want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| But I never know if they're just talking about only the island of Manhattan or the surrounding boroughs. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Or Greater New York. | ||
| Like when someone says New York City, the Bronx is New York City. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Van Nuys is part of LA. Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It shouldn't have to be in like just there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| It's sort of the same kind of thing. | ||
| But if you picture just Manhattan, this is bigger than that. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's also a lot of people. | ||
| I remember the first time I came to Manhattan. | ||
| I was driving from Boston. | ||
| I think I'd been there once before for a karate tournament, but I was like 16, and I didn't really remember it that much, and somebody else was driving. | ||
| It was like one of those experiences. | ||
| I was really young. | ||
| So I was there for comedy, and the first time I drove, I drove up the West Side Highway. | ||
| That was the first time I ever saw the skyline. | ||
| It was just pretty dramatic on the West Side Highway. | ||
| He looked like the Death Star. | ||
| I was like, this is the craziest thing I've ever... | ||
| I was so intimidated. | ||
| It's pretty big. | ||
| So intimidated. | ||
| It's pretty overwhelming. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe how big this city is. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| When I got back after three weeks, I was like, oh yeah. | ||
| I was like, fuck. | ||
| It's immense. | ||
| All those buildings. | ||
| It's immense. | ||
| It's just insanity. | ||
| Did you feel that when you were in China? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which places? | ||
| In Suzhou too. | ||
| They needed a financial district. | ||
| And so they had these rice paddies right across the field. | ||
| 20 years ago, all rice paddies. | ||
| And they were like, let's make a financial district. | ||
| And now there's 50 skyscrapers. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| They just do it. | ||
| They just filled them in? | ||
| They don't have to vote. | ||
| They don't have to do referendums. | ||
| They don't have to wait until it's an election year to show they're doing anything. | ||
| Did you go into any of those cities that were crazy polluted? | ||
| Shanghai. | ||
| How bad? | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| Now, I wasn't there one of the awful days where Des Bishop, the Irish guy in Beijing, is not as bad as Shanghai, but still real bad. | ||
| He says, I mean, everywhere wears masks. | ||
| Tons of people wear masks. | ||
| Not everyone. | ||
| 40% of the people wear masks. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| They see what they, everyone has an app on their phone for pollution. | ||
| And so I was in the unhealthy range pretty much while I was there. | ||
| But if it gets worse than that, he goes, you wake up in the morning and it felt like you smoked all night. | ||
| So the app recognizes the air or tells you what the forecast? | ||
| Tells you what the air quality is. | ||
| So then they won't bike to work if it's real bad. | ||
| They'll take a bus. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you have these tissue papers they give you that everyone has at all times. | ||
| To wipe their hands down? | ||
| Yeah, because after SARS, everyone started wearing... | ||
| People are concerned with spreading it to others, too. | ||
| So there's no spitting allowed anymore. | ||
| Do you know that there's a spread of MERS that's going on now? | ||
| Oh yeah, they have signs up for that at every train station. | ||
| They're like, do not bring anything else in. | ||
| Don't bring your fucking chickens in. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Livestock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people kiss their livestock sometimes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dudes kiss their camels. | ||
| Trying to get guys to stop kissing their camels. | ||
| Guys, people are dying. | ||
| Fuck your superstition. | ||
| Don't be kissing your camel anymore, okay? | ||
| And then riding on a train. | ||
| Superstitious. | ||
| I mean, how long does it take for some of the more ridiculous... | ||
| The original origins for it were pretty smart. | ||
| Pretty smart to not eat pigs if all these people are dying and getting sick. | ||
| How long does it take before those just totally go away? | ||
| How long before we have no superstitions? | ||
| A hundred years? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| New ones will come in. | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| Throwing the salt over the shoulder, when did that come? | ||
| That's not, not everybody does. | ||
| Some asshole. | ||
| That's some asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When do you think that ends? | ||
| 500 years from now? | ||
| Hopefully it'll be done by then. | ||
| God, hopefully. | ||
| It's got to happen, right? | ||
| It seems like we're moving that way. | ||
| But it's natural to feel, like every time, I would do that growing up, I'd be like, I just believed in sudden superstitions that I thought of. | ||
| Yeah, I did that too. | ||
| Yeah, we all did it. | ||
| It was like a thing. | ||
| Remember, do you ever do one of those things where if I step on this crack, my whole family might die? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My mom's back broke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or you try to avoid cracks for whatever reason, but then you really keep going. | ||
| It's like, why? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Well, when you're confused about the nature of reality, you think it's very mystical. | ||
| Maybe this is how you control it. | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| That's not how you control it. | ||
| Well, I've always wondered if the real origins for superstitions like that in children are that children have a more honest awareness of the nature of reality itself, is that it's malleable, and the things you can alter The way things go, but you think about it in stupid ways, like stepping on a crack. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it might be the way you act or think or behave, and you feel that, you sense it, but you can't sort of communicate it correctly. | ||
| Can't process the thoughts. | ||
| Can't process it, can't put it into context, so instead you worry about stepping on cracks and breaking people's backs. | ||
| You feel the sense that you have some sort of a weird ability to affect and change your destiny based on decisions that you make. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When the cat goes across the street in front of you, do you still get at least plus one? | ||
| Yeah, you think about it. | ||
| Ladder? | ||
| Ladder? | ||
| When I see a ladder, I'll usually move around it the other way instead of like, what the fuck does this matter? | ||
| Well, here's a perfect example of that. | ||
| I was kind of superstitious when I was a kid, but I've always loved cats, and I've always had cats, and I've always had black cats, so I never give a fuck about black cats. | ||
| So when a black cat would go across the street, I would never think, oh my god, I'm fucked. | ||
| I'd be like, fuck you. | ||
| That's a cat. | ||
| It's just a cat, man. | ||
| Give that cat a little bowl of tuna fish and pet it. | ||
| Be purring. | ||
| It's just a cat. | ||
| A lot of straight cats in Beijing. | ||
| Bad luck. | ||
| He's a fucking animal. | ||
| He's having a good time. | ||
| Sitting alone. | ||
| Southern white guy made that... | ||
| Probably about the black cat. | ||
| It's probably some racist shit. | ||
| I think it's just a fear thing. | ||
| I think people are afraid. | ||
| Yeah, it's witches. | ||
| It represents witches, right? | ||
| Black cats. | ||
| It's cursed. | ||
| We're scared of what we can't see. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some fucking glowing eyes running across the road in front of your car? | ||
| Because it's about a car, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Black cat crosses your path. | ||
| You're on a bicycle. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| No. | ||
| Walking. | ||
| You're just walking. | ||
| Anytime they're walking in front of you. | ||
| That too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was thinking of his cars. | ||
| There's an old Disney thing with a superstitious guy. | ||
| He has one of those umbrella canes. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And he moves the cat backwards so it won't. | ||
| So even walking. | ||
| Do you think that's when it was created? | ||
| Yeah, I think it was created then for walking days. | ||
| Maybe horses would freak out and they'd see a cat run across them and people fell. | ||
| Very possibly. | ||
| And it bled into the shadows so it just saw something moving. | ||
| And people fell and got fucked up. | ||
| You figured it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fact. | |
| Could be it. | ||
| Or you could shit your pants and fall on your rake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you fucking die because you don't know what staph infection is back then. | ||
| That's another way to die. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| I saw a guy first day. | ||
| Whenever someone says dude, you got to give him the floor. | ||
| He had this leg that had purple from like just below the knee all the way. | ||
| And this guy was taking me around. | ||
| I was like, don't look. | ||
| And I started to not look. | ||
| I'm like, how am I not going to look? | ||
| I'm just starting here. | ||
| It was a purple ring about that big. | ||
| And inside the purple ring was like a yellow ring. | ||
| And then inside that was like a little bone. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So he's just eating him up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, their homeless are legit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't have to say anything. | ||
| They just let their fucking... | ||
| They show it. | ||
| They don't tell it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they don't have much homeless. | ||
| That was the only guy I ever saw in Shanghai that was homeless. | ||
| He's got a legit excuse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The leg is wasting away. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| He ain't going to make it. | ||
| He's probably already dead. | ||
| Did you have a newfound appreciation for America when you re-landed? | ||
| And are you ready to say a Pledge of Allegiance right now? | ||
| I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| There were some things where I felt a lot more free. | ||
| In China? | ||
| You can buy a beer and walk down the street and drink it like a man. | ||
| You can do that in New Orleans. | ||
| Go to New Orleans. | ||
| You can be a man in New Orleans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vegas. | |
| Not really in Vegas. | ||
| You can smoke a joint, too. | ||
| I think outside. | ||
| Don't they stop you outside? | ||
| No, you can walk around in Vegas. | ||
| Vegas, come on! | ||
| It's 40 minutes away from fucking Burbank. | ||
| This place is nice, but it's not a safe. | ||
| It's not a safe. | ||
| Smoke a joint, they don't know what weed smells like. | ||
| The cops have no reference point. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They have no reference point. | ||
| They don't know what it smells like. | ||
| Now I just solved the whole puzzle. | ||
| They don't know what it even smells like. | ||
| The country's confused as fuck. | ||
| Did you imagine they've kept weed from the whole country? | ||
| There's so little of it. | ||
| Whoa, that's amazing. | ||
| What would happen if weed spread through that country like wildfire? | ||
| You can get it. | ||
| People have it. | ||
| Yeah, but what would happen if weed spread through that country like wildfire? | ||
| If Ari Shafir became a weed evangelist for China? | ||
| And got it going. | ||
| But not there. | ||
| Don't go there. | ||
| Do it all through email. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Petition. | ||
| They'll fucking get you, dude. | ||
| They'll get you. | ||
| Don't test them. | ||
| They're going to fight tooth and nail to keep their silly cultures. | ||
| Keep kissing their camels and shit. | ||
| They'll throw you in a hole for like ever. | ||
| Kissing their fucking camels, man. | ||
| Their kids shit in the streets. | ||
| Murs. | ||
| Their kids shit in the streets? | ||
| Their pants are cut down the middle, so that allows them to. | ||
| Oh my god, no way. | ||
| Yeah, they have these loose shorts, like skorts. | ||
| No way. | ||
| And then if they're squatting, you can just see their little dicks. | ||
| And they train their kids. | ||
| I saw one of them in a market. | ||
| She was motioning to them. | ||
| You can tell what motions are, you know? | ||
| Things are universal. | ||
| And the kid kept looking back confused. | ||
| He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, do it. | ||
| And he pulled his pants down. | ||
| She goes, yeah! | ||
| And then he just pissed in the street. | ||
| He said, finally! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you see anybody shit in the street? | ||
| No. | ||
| You only saw him piss. | ||
| It had to smell like shit. | ||
| But they had to cut all the way to the back. | ||
| They're just allowed to shit. | ||
| That stink? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The bathroom smells so bad. | ||
| The bathroom smells so bad from pollution. | ||
| I think it's just from polluted water. | ||
| Just polluted water makes it smell bad? | ||
| And also, they don't... | ||
| They don't what? | ||
| You can't even say it. | ||
| No, look at him. | ||
| He just died thinking about it. | ||
| They have a lot of toilets, but there's just no toilet. | ||
| It's just a hole? | ||
| It's just a porcelain hole. | ||
| It's a shy one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you have to squat? | ||
| You have to squat. | ||
| Supposedly, that's better for your bowels. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That face! | |
| That face! | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| I was in the Forbidden City. | ||
| I was walking around there. | ||
| The Emperor's Palace. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I got bad diarrhea. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| Like, sweating. | ||
| Like, I gotta fuck. | ||
| And then there's a picture toilet. | ||
| You go in there. | ||
| And you fucking run. | ||
| As soon as you cross the threshold of the bathroom, it smells horrible. | ||
| And you open up the first stall door, and your mind can't even register at first. | ||
| Like, this must be under construction. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Because there's no toilet here, so that's the only explanation. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then you go to the next one, and you're like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| Is there paper? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| There's no paper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You watch with your hand? | ||
| Well, first I just said, I'm not doing this. | ||
| I walked away. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I took like two steps out of the bathroom and I was like, oh yeah, diarrhea. | ||
| What do you mean I'm not doing it? | ||
| Of course I'm doing it. | ||
| So you went back in and washed your butt? | ||
| Is that what you have to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| So this guy who owned the bar, the club was in Shanghai, gave me this tissue packet. | ||
| And he goes, you'll need it. | ||
| I thought it was for pollution. | ||
| And he goes, you'll need this. | ||
| And I just had it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then it was like, oh, yeah. | ||
| You got to pull your pants all the way down, squat over it, but also try not to shit into your pants. | ||
| You can't go over the balls of your feet. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| There's probably a better way. | ||
| What do you do with explosive diarrhea, though? | ||
| It seems like you're going to miss. | ||
| Blast it into that hole. | ||
| You're going to hover over that hole. | ||
| You're like half a foot over the hole. | ||
| Is that good for your quads? | ||
| It's good for your core. | ||
| I would feel like that would really work your core a lot. | ||
| And there's no air conditioning. | ||
| It's so hot. | ||
| That would work your resolve. | ||
| Yeah, that's why the H's are thin. | ||
| Maybe it's not the low-sugar diet. | ||
| Does the shit hit your foot? | ||
| Hit your ankles though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Because I have explosive diarrhea. | ||
| It feels like I'm just going to hit my feet. | ||
| Picture this. | ||
| Picture this. | ||
| I'm down. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ari's squatting right now. | ||
| So like your ass is right... | ||
| Over the hole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Filling the hole essentially. | ||
| Your feet, if you're moved far enough away... | ||
| What do you do if you have bad knees? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| You do after that. | ||
| Everyone has it after that. | ||
| But I sit like that all the time. | ||
| That's how Asians just squat, eat all the time. | ||
| I do that sometimes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'll sit out in my yard like that. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Once in a while. | ||
| It's good for your back. | ||
| This just happened last week in China in one of those toilets. | ||
| Somebody dropped their brand new phone in the toilet, and so the husband went to go in there and grab it, but he passed out because of the fumes, and then the woman tried to grab the guy out. | ||
| She passed out? | ||
| She passed out. | ||
| Two people died, three injured. | ||
| That's like that scene in Stand By Me where they're all barfing. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We have it so good in America. | ||
| Dick Cheney's right. | ||
| They have those shitters on the train when it's moving around and stuff. | ||
| They have those shitters. | ||
| Dick Cheney's right. | ||
| I opened up my tissue packet. | ||
| What? | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Right. | ||
| We're the best. | ||
| It sounds like at first I was kind of jealous, but now I don't want to. | ||
| You would never even go there. | ||
| They have someplace where there's real toilets. | ||
| Like in the hotels, it was fine. | ||
| In the bars, it's fine. | ||
| But like in a lot of places, you just don't know. | ||
| It's going to be one of those. | ||
| And then it's like six or seven tissues in there. | ||
| So suddenly you got a budget. | ||
| Prostitutes? | ||
| Hot chicks? | ||
| How was that part of it? | ||
| Did you see any of it? | ||
| There were prostitutes in... | ||
| I went to the area in Hong Kong. | ||
| I didn't get any. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I went to the area in Hong Kong. | ||
| They grab at you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They watch your business. | ||
| Now, a couple of them were hot. | ||
| A lot of them were just like older Chinese ladies that look weathered. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Here's something interesting. | ||
| Hong Kong... | ||
| They don't call it China. | ||
| You gotta use your visa to go between them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Even though it's been given back. | ||
| It hasn't been fully given back yet. | ||
| It used to be English. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For a hundred years. | ||
| How did they give it back? | ||
| How did they let that happen? | ||
| How did what? | ||
| They gave it back. | ||
| They said that we'd get it for 150 years. | ||
| Imagine if Puerto Ricans asked for Puerto Rico back. | ||
| We'd be like, no. | ||
| No way. | ||
| But that was always the deal. | ||
| We want Hawaii back. | ||
| They've wanted Hawaii back forever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're not getting that back. | ||
| We want to take Alaska. | ||
| No. | ||
| Alaska should be its own country. | ||
| But at this point, if Britain was like, no, you don't get it back, China's like, you really want to do this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if you want to go, we'll go. | ||
| We'll go. | ||
| We'll go in a crazy way. | ||
| We signed a contract. | ||
| We'll abide by that. | ||
| But it's time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're not going to lose faith. | |
| But all the Hong Kong people, they look at the mainlanders. | ||
| Mainlanders are like an insult. | ||
| They look at them as like the garbage people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They all shit in malls. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And they carry fucking raw turkeys in their bags when they go. | ||
| All the meres, that's all them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They view them as like real underlings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I was told that it was racist against other Chinese. | ||
| But I was like, no way. | ||
| How can it be? | ||
| I was like, wow, you're right. | ||
| Deeply. | ||
| Deeply. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Like the north, but think of like the south, but way worse than that. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I'll tell you what, if someone shit in a mall, it was a mainlander. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It doesn't mean they're all like that, but that's... | ||
| That thinking comes from there. | ||
| Well, it seems like their reality is just far more sparse, right? | ||
| There's far, far fewer resources. | ||
| There's too many people. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| Well, what is it that's causing them to behave in such a... | ||
| Well, they had a lot of revolution in the last, like, not that many years. | ||
| Like, the old people, they walk around. | ||
| Like, you know that walk where they put your hand behind your back and clasp it and just, like, stroll? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, none of my friends are getting shot in the face, you know, at a firing squad. | ||
| Like, they've lived through some, like, bad times. | ||
| So they're calm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, we're safe. | ||
| Or they're baiting you with a Kimura. | ||
| Trying to bait you. | ||
| Trying to get you to go into it. | ||
| Yeah, if you go to that Kimura, a lot of guys have good defense. | ||
| And they know that. | ||
| Set up that far side arm bar if you don't control the body. | ||
| They'll just trip you, get you to the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| Hong Kong's pretty built up too. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| They're all bankers. | ||
| It's the English influence. | ||
| So the English influence, was it... | ||
| They drive on the other side of the street. | ||
| They drive like English. | ||
| And China drives like us? | ||
| Yeah, except... | ||
| They don't drive like us. | ||
| They're pedestrians. | ||
| I mean, it's like, if you're crossing a street like this, and you know they're making a right turn, if they see a hole big enough for their car, they're taking it. | ||
| Those mopeds are shooting in and out through traffic, through like pedestrians. | ||
| How many people get hit? | ||
| They said tons all the time. | ||
| I didn't see any, but they say tons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| Did you walk across that shit? | ||
| Oh, all the time. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And you have to just keep walking and know, you see me, you're gonna move. | ||
| Or you see my angle. | ||
| You want to, like, stop and throw it off. | ||
| So you gotta, like, give them timing. | ||
| Yeah, you just gotta go at the same pace. | ||
| You don't just trust them and not hit. | ||
| You gotta trust their timing. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, they see where you are. | ||
| I see where you're not gonna be in, like, two seconds. | ||
| I'll go where you are now. | ||
| Don't stop walking in the middle of the street. | ||
| Do they text in characters while they're driving like that? | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Their texting must be so much more complicated than ours. | ||
| They're drawing little pictures. | ||
| They do text in characters. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So they text in characters and they drive like that. | ||
| And they all, at night, especially the cab drivers, To save battery, they'll turn off their lights. | ||
| They'll drive without their lights. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They drive without their lights. | ||
| And all but the darkest, cloudiest nights. | ||
| Oh my god, that's the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| Like it's in the city, you can pretty much see. | ||
| And you're just walking across the street and you have to hope that they can see you well enough to time you. | ||
| They have such bad ideas about it. | ||
| They'll turn off their motor at red lights because they think that saves gas. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Well, it does. | ||
| Not to turn it on over and over again. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| On a Prius? | ||
| No, it's a new feature on a lot of cars. | ||
| What? | ||
| They shut off at stoplights. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Porsches have it. | ||
| And doesn't that take the most gases to start up again? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's like an instant start up again. | ||
| The engine goes into some sort of sustained hibernation or some shit, but it essentially shuts the engine off. | ||
| It's an option, though. | ||
| You can turn it off or on. | ||
| And it's how they beat emission standards. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So over time, maybe for every five minutes we're worse, but over ten minutes we're better. | ||
| If you read those things where it says what's the miles per gallon that a car gets, that's only driving a really sane, calm person. | ||
| It doesn't take any risks. | ||
| You're driving like super slow. | ||
| You're observing the speed limit. | ||
| You slowly accelerate up to whatever speed you want to go to. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| That's how they cross the street. | ||
| That is fucking insane. | ||
| That's how you just have to cross the street. | ||
| That is fucking insane. | ||
| He's on a crosswalk. | ||
| Oh my god, that is fucking insane. | ||
| They're just like, man, those are just white paint on a road. | ||
| That's got nothing to do with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is fucking insane. | |
| It's hard to watch. | ||
| I get anxiety. | ||
| So many of those mopeds, too. | ||
| I rode one of those fucking drunk late at night. | ||
| If those hit you, that would suck hard, too. | ||
| Yeah, they hit. | ||
| They're solid. | ||
| Did you come close at all? | ||
| Did anybody come close to hitting you? | ||
| No, I mean, I didn't skim one at all, but I could feel the breeze go by. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| What was your favorite place? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hong Kong was a lot of fun. | ||
| Shanghai was a lot of fun, too. | ||
| Is Hong Kong better air? | ||
| Oh yeah, it's cleaner, definitely. | ||
| We went on a junk boat in Hong Kong the day before I left, the day before the last day, and just jumped off into the bay and stuff. | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| So it was essentially just different, but both cool? | ||
| Yeah, both cool. | ||
| Fucking swam. | ||
| It's a perfect mix of beer, Thai food, a little bit of acid, and just fucking jellyfish came up at some point. | ||
| And you went in the ocean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| High food, beer, and acid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And jellyfish. | ||
| Yeah, the jellyfish came in and it got a little more dangerous, but we just kept jumping in. | ||
| And if jellyfish get you, you're fucked? | ||
| You're just in a lot of pain for two days. | ||
| Two days? | ||
| And you'll be scarred even. | ||
| My ex had it on her neck and it was just this huge burn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Well, they teach them how to get it out. | ||
| You gotta take a credit card and scrape it out. | ||
| It's the hottest pot loads. | ||
| Yeah, it's the hottest pot loads. | ||
| They said it was gonna last like six months. | ||
| That's what loads do. | ||
| They burn you for about six months. | ||
| They mark you up. | ||
| Nobody else can get you. | ||
| They don't swim real fast, though. | ||
| Loads? | ||
| No. | ||
| Loads go fast. | ||
| Mine go fast, bro. | ||
| Mine are like sprinters. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| You don't know my jigs. | ||
| There's one in Australia that kills people on a regular basis. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, it kills people. | ||
| They have these emergency stations that they have set up on the beach where they have these giant jugs of vinegar. | ||
| Just in case. | ||
| Yeah, you pour it on, like, maybe they let go. | ||
| It's disinfectant or something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think, I should probably Google that. | ||
| There's one comic, Sean got stung the year before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, in Australia? | |
| And they said they had to pee in a cup and then pour it over it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but then they said they found out later that's not the way to, that's actually not a thing. | ||
| Yeah, Australia has a lot of shit. | ||
| No, this isn't China. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How far away is China from Australia? | ||
| It's not that far. | ||
| It's not as far as we are from Australia, I don't think. | ||
| From Sydney. | ||
| I think they're closer to Sydney than we are. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they're south, but like straight down south. | ||
| There's a ton of Asians in Australia. | ||
| There's a box jellyfish. | ||
| It's no bigger than your fingernail and it can kill you. | ||
| That's hard to spot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even when you haven't bitten your nails lately. | ||
| No bigger than your fingernail and it can kill you. | ||
| I gotta pee real bad. | ||
| Go pee. | ||
| I'm freaking out about a box jellyfish. | ||
| Size of a fucking matchstick. | ||
| Look at that shit. | ||
| Look at that shit. | ||
| Brian, pull that shit up. | ||
| Box jellyfish. | ||
| Just pull up. | ||
| Box jellyfish no bigger than your fingernail can kill you. | ||
| In the blink of an eye, by the way. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Just when I was starting to relax. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's this live? | |
| Is it really rare? | ||
| Australia, man. | ||
| Wow, look at that. | ||
| Look at that shit. | ||
| That's how big that is. | ||
| Size of a goddamn fingernail and it can kill you in seconds. | ||
| That is not cool. | ||
| Upon further research, this itty-bitty jelly... | ||
| It's so cute that it might kill you. | ||
| No, really. | ||
| And not from the sheer adorableness of it, but from its insanely poisonous sting. | ||
| The species box jellyfish was described as recently as 2007. Wow. | ||
| So they didn't know about it? | ||
| The species of box jellyfish was described as recently as 2007. After a 44-year-old American tourist, of course, by the name of Robert King, was swimming in Australia waters and encounter... | ||
| This minute box jellyfish. | ||
| He was stung and died soon after. | ||
| That's where the name of Common Kingslayer comes from. | ||
| After Robert King. | ||
| That's the guy's name. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They called this fucking jellyfish a kingslayer because it killed this guy named Robert King. | ||
| They didn't know about this jellyfish until 2007. So this guy got stung. | ||
| He died from a tiny jellyfish they didn't even know about. | ||
| They came to spot it? | ||
| It's the size of your fingernails. | ||
| Look at the images of it. | ||
| Brian, pull up some of the images. | ||
| There's some of them where they have one in a little tiny test tube. | ||
| Where in Australia? | ||
| All over Australia, especially Sydney. | ||
| And he just died? | ||
| I don't know where it is, man. | ||
| I'm just making shit up. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| But it's in Australia somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Especially Sydney, because that's where someone might be. | |
| Look at the size of that. | ||
| You see how tiny it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That thing can kill you. | ||
| And it didn't kill a guy until 2007, and so they decided to call it the Common Kingslayer. | ||
| That's what it's called now. | ||
| That's pretty wild, because it killed that guy named Robert King. | ||
| It didn't kill anyone until then? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| They didn't even know about it. | ||
| They never knew about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is from a box jellyfish. | |
| Motherfucker! | ||
| That's a lot of stings. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| They said this one girl, it wrapped around. | ||
| It didn't just sting you once. | ||
| It wrapped around and held on. | ||
| And then all the things, all the barbs are going into you. | ||
| Well, this is a type of box jellyfish. | ||
| They've known about box jellyfishes for a while. | ||
| But this type of box jellyfish, the common kingslayer, was discovered as recently, first described as recently as 2007. Wow. | ||
| So they didn't know about it until this guy got fucked up by it. | ||
| Oh, is it on him? | ||
| Yeah, Steve went to this beach where there's just tons of jellyfish and he just started putting them on his head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, it's a great video. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| How does he know which ones they are? | ||
| That fucking guy. | ||
| That wild man guy. | ||
| They would tell him all the time. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| The old man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Manny. | |
| Manny, yeah. | ||
| Manny was cool. | ||
| Did Steve-O actually put like a poisonous jellyfish on him? | ||
| Oh, he got stung from it, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| But not like that guy that got stung by the box jellyfish. | ||
| Not the box jellyfish, not poison jellyfish. | ||
| They took chances in that show. | ||
| That is so weird, man. | ||
| It's so weird that these things exist that can kill you so easily. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| It's just weird that these things exist that have venom in them. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no anti-venom for box jellyfish. | ||
| For these box jellyfish, little tiny ones. | ||
| There's none. | ||
| Only symptoms can be treated, which can last from hours to weeks. | ||
| Weeks of symptoms. | ||
| If you live. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to be researching jellyfish for the next month. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| This is really funny. | ||
| Part of this is what it does to you. | ||
| This is really interesting. | ||
| The severe symptoms don't breathe their ugly heads until about 5 to 120 minutes. | ||
| 30 minutes on average. | ||
| Some syndrome. | ||
| It's characterized by severe pains at various parts of the body, typically excruciating muscle cramps in the arms and legs, severe pain in the back and kidneys, a burning sensation of the skin and face, headaches, nausea, restlessness, sweating, vomiting, increase in heart rate and blood pressure, and last but certainly not least, increase in heart rate and blood pressure, and last but certainly not least, a psychological phenomenon which consists of the feeling home. | ||
| Well, it sounds like with all that other shit, of course you would think that you're dying. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| It does sound like that. | ||
| How is that even like an additional symptom? | ||
| Is it a separate thing? | ||
| It's not. | ||
| You're dying, man. | ||
| You're getting jacked. | ||
| Think about all that shit. | ||
| Severe pain, excruciating muscle cramps, severe pain in back and kidneys, burning sensation of skin and face, headaches, nausea. | ||
| You're dying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vomiting. | |
| You're fucking dying. | ||
| Who wouldn't? | ||
| You'd have to be the cockiest motherfucker ever to be like, yeah, we'll walk this off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Bro, these fucking box jellyfish ain't killing me, dude. | ||
| This is like a cold. | ||
| My grandfather swam here every day. | ||
| He didn't get no box jellyfish thing. | ||
| This is incredible. | ||
| It's scary as fuck that nature creates these little things like that. | ||
| They can just jack you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just jack you. | |
| And probably some goldfish can eat it fine, not get in trouble at all. | ||
| Probably feeds off of it, right? | ||
| It's probably some shitty bird that comes down. | ||
| We did see a fish eating at one of them, and it was trying to get out of there, so we'd have to dive. | ||
| A jellyfish? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So fish do eat jellyfish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it has to be what they created. | ||
| I mean, they must have created this toxin to avoid predation. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soul. | |
| They serve jellyfish. | ||
| They serve jellyfish in some of the restaurants. | ||
| You eat it? | ||
| They serve it? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't get any. | ||
| I was getting other stuff. | ||
| Can we play the Steve-O video or would that get us yanked from YouTube? | ||
| Probably get yanked from YouTube. | ||
| Steve-O wouldn't do that to us. | ||
| Who owns the Steve-O footage though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Steve-O does. | |
| He'll be happy if he shows up. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Let's show it then. | ||
| I want to see him get fucked up. | ||
| Did you ever see the video of Steve-O when he's up in a tree and lions come up to him? | ||
| Swiping and barely missing his butt? | ||
| No, they swat his hat. | ||
| They took his hat. | ||
| He had like one of those Mexican farm worker hats, you know, those straw hats those dudes like to wear, and he's up in this tree, and this lion runs up to him in the tree. | ||
| Just runs up the tree, he's checking him out, a female lion, and she like bites his hat. | ||
| She doesn't bite him, she bites his hat, and he's like stuck up there in the tree. | ||
| It is the most terrifying thing anybody that I've ever met has ever done. | ||
| God. | ||
| Was that the guy who died, his buddy from that show, Wild Boys? | ||
| Steve O's alive. | ||
| No, the other guy in Wild Boys. | ||
| That's what killed him. | ||
| No, the guy who died in a car crash was one of the guys from the other show. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't from Wild Boys. | ||
| He died speeding, drunk, in a Porsche. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lame word. | ||
| Not from all that other crazy shit. | ||
| Not from all the other crazy stuff, but the chances. | ||
| I mean, they just, those guys just every day would risk their lives. | ||
| I mean, that was, Johnny Knoxville was a goddamn movie star, and he's putting a bandana over his eyes and letting a bull throw him through the air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is the nuttiest fucking shit. | ||
| So you talk about the best comedies, you're like, oh, what are there any good comedies? | ||
| You may have mentioned three or four. | ||
| All three of those jackasses were fucking awesome. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Just laughs every 10 seconds. | ||
| Did you see the new one with the old man? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Bad Grandpa. | ||
| Bad Grandpa? | ||
| Goddamn, that's funny. | ||
| There's the unedited version. | ||
| If you haven't seen it yet, it's like the 2.0 or whatever version. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| It's even more worse. | ||
| I couldn't even imagine it could be better. | ||
| That movie was really funny. | ||
| Like, there's some really, really funny scenes in that movie. | ||
| The grandpa stuff they did in Jackass was awesome. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| Johnny Knoxville is so good. | ||
| He was riding that rocket and that thing went off and blew a hole through the metal rocket right by his head. | ||
| He's like, whoa, that was so close. | ||
| I would have been gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Could you imagine if that's how he died? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rocket to the fucking head. | ||
| Johnny Knoxville filming a stunt and everyone would be like, oh, yeah, of course. | ||
| Why hasn't that happened before? | ||
| What is it about dudes who want that feeling, that rush of getting right up to the edge? | ||
| Because those guys get right up to the edge. | ||
| But Steve-O backed off a lot, right? | ||
| Got off the drugs. | ||
| He's completely sober, which is awesome. | ||
| I talked to him like six months ago. | ||
| I saw him in San Diego and he had a sex addiction. | ||
| That he was trying to get off of. | ||
| Why are you throwing him under the bus? | ||
| No, because I think he talks about it. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But then this last time I saw him, just a month ago, I went down again to see him, and he had a guy that came with him to make sure he didn't make his sex addictions. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That guy's a joke. | ||
| Listen to me, Steve-O. I'm going to tell you something right now. | ||
| A guy like you is supposed to have a sex addiction. | ||
| I've cock-blocked for the best. | ||
| Because if you, the amount of, that's his job. | ||
| I'm a cock blocker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| My name is Johnny. | ||
| Johnny Runtanzi. | ||
| Cock blocker. | ||
| You got a sex addiction? | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| I'm gonna go a three-pronged effort. | ||
| I'm gonna mention your daughter in front of them. | ||
| I'm going to talk about your treatment and leave it blank. | ||
| The treatment's a big one. | ||
| And then I'm going to fuck her. | ||
| A guy like that, like he probably, I mean, he's a famous dude. | ||
| Steve O's a famous dude. | ||
| So I bet some really hot chicks launched themselves in his direction. | ||
| He's pretty goddamn famous. | ||
| And he's famous for being a wild man. | ||
| So really crazy bitches are probably attracted to him like a magnet to metal shavings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| They start moving across the desk at him. | ||
| It's probably normal, right? | ||
| So, for a guy like that, the amount of love and sex he must be getting, or thrown in his direction, offered to him, must be pretty stunning. | ||
| Must be high. | ||
| Yeah, and he's probably, you know, he looks in the mirror, he knows what he looks like. | ||
| This doesn't even make sense. | ||
| I may as well catch him while I can. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| I have to take myself up on this opportunity. | ||
| Who else would? | ||
| Why wouldn't you? | ||
| No one else gets that shot. | ||
| No one, I mean, only one guy gets to be Steve-O. Yeah. | ||
| You know, I said that to you once. | ||
| I remember that because it struck with me, too, as I said it. | ||
| We were talking about comedy. | ||
| We were talking about creating, like, when someone's a fan of yours. | ||
| The craziest thing is, like, if someone's an Ari Shafir fan, you're the only one that could give them Ari Shafir. | ||
| If they become an Ari Shafir fan, you're the only one who's doing Ari Shafir comedy. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You're responsible. | ||
| You're responsible for that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, I'm sure he feels the same way. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's only one Stevo, bro. | ||
| Let me cash in. | ||
| Cash in! | ||
| This girl's an ultimate fan of Stevo's. | ||
| Why would he not have sex with her? | ||
| Sex addiction nonsense. | ||
| Do you mean he has sex a lot and it's awesome? | ||
| Because that's what you're saying. | ||
| Make Stevo alone. | ||
| Some Christian person going, you shouldn't do that so much. | ||
| But of course there are sex addictions. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But there's everything addictions, right? | ||
| I mean, there's addictions to fucking washing your hands. | ||
| If it's like he can't carry on with his day, so he can't get anything done, then it's like, I guess that's an addiction. | ||
| But isn't it parallel to what we were talking about earlier about the cigarettes that it becomes like a force of habit? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It becomes a part of your life. | ||
| It becomes like a well-worn trail in your mind. | ||
| But I like sex a lot. | ||
| But then if I've got work to do, if there's something I have to do, I'm like, I can't. | ||
| I've got to take care of this. | ||
| Well, you're not sick. | ||
| You don't have the sickness. | ||
| Some people like to call it no will. | ||
| Some people like to call it no discipline. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| I prefer illness. | ||
| Disease. | ||
| I want to take it completely out of your control. | ||
| Did we crash? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so we're off Ustream right now? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean the YouTube crashed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, YouTube. | |
| This computer crashed over here. | ||
| But we're still on Ustream? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Oh, I got a YouTube video to show you, by the way, that you could probably play. | ||
| I guess the sex addiction thing, when it becomes a problem, is when you start spending money and we start being sloppy and having sex with no condoms with people in the streets. | ||
| Or when you're doing things you don't want to do. | ||
| Or you really like doing that and it's way better than not doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's one of the things that I don't buy. | ||
| I think it's when you look at yourself later and go, fuck, I don't want to do that. | ||
| Why can't I stop doing that? | ||
| And that's everything. | ||
| That's beating off, that's using Q-tips, that's fucking biting your fingernails. | ||
| People get weird. | ||
| We're weird. | ||
| I saw this guy, somebody was talking about losing a bunch of weight, some comic at a barbecue, and this other fatter comic, he was talking about eating natural chips and stuff instead of processed stuff. | ||
| And the fatter guy's like, man, Lewis, you've got to show me how to lose weight as he's eating the chips. | ||
| He goes, I just told you! | ||
| Just don't eat those things that you put in your mouth. | ||
| Yo, you gotta rewire my brain and make it awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta do it all the way for me. | ||
| I'm tired of having this lazy ass bitch ass brain. | ||
| That's a problem, man. | ||
| If people don't get their brains rewired in some way, shape, or form, if you're a lazy fuck, it's very difficult to wake up one day and go, I'm not going to be a lazy fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Yeah, if you don't get early going, I have lazy tendencies. | ||
| Yeah, we all do. | ||
| And it's one of the reasons why I'm not lazy at all. | ||
| Because I'm terrified. | ||
| Push against it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like that part of me. | ||
| That's why I don't have cable. | ||
| I know I could watch TV all day. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| I'm never getting rid of mine. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I like coming home. | ||
| I'm going right to internet. | ||
| I like, if I work, especially if I do a show, the show goes well, everything's great, I listen to set on the way home, I know the new bits I'm working on, I don't have a responsibility as far as writing, and I don't like to write too late at night. | ||
| And then you watch cable when you get home. | ||
| Yeah, I write late at night, but only if I am home. | ||
| I don't go out and then come back and write, because I feel like I'm tired. | ||
| So I like to relax. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure. | |
| Sit in front of TV. I'll download TV. I just won't have cable so I can have it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | |
| I'll still watch the shows I watch. | ||
| Yeah, you could get everything now on Apple TV, Hulu, Netflix. | ||
| Yeah, but then when it's done, you don't automatically, like, oh, this next show's started. | ||
| I guess I'm watching this now, too. | ||
| Can you get Cosmos? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can you get, like, all the regular shows? | ||
| Yeah, Cosmos on Netflix. | ||
| The good rule of thumb is you can get anything that's ever been made. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So if it's in that group... | ||
| You can pretty much get it. | ||
| So you don't need a TV anymore that's hooked up to cable. | ||
| You just need a good internet connection. | ||
| Yeah, and a news server. | ||
| The only bad thing that you'll run into is live local TV, which you can now find. | ||
| Sports is a problem. | ||
| Go to a bar and see that. | ||
| That's the way to be seen. | ||
| FirstRowSports.eu is fucking garbage. | ||
| It skips constantly and cuts out. | ||
| Today in Pasadena, a young man came home to find another man sleeping in his bed. | ||
| That fucking type of talk, that news type guy. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| They have to die. | ||
| Not die, as in physically, but die off. | ||
| That business. | ||
| That fucking news business. | ||
| Now with Chromecast, though, and Apple TV, you can just stream from your phone, like NBC.com, so you can watch the local news streamed to your Apple TV anyway, so it doesn't even matter. | ||
| Is there any bigger dinosaur in our culture than the local news show? | ||
| Is there any bigger dinosaur than the 5 o'clock news? | ||
| Today, President Obama met with Egypt. | ||
| You're not going to say shit. | ||
| You're not going to say anything. | ||
| You're not going to say shit. | ||
| We all know. | ||
| No, we don't all know. | ||
| You're in with the government. | ||
| You're not going to say shit. | ||
| On top of that, you've got three minutes. | ||
| You've got three minutes. | ||
| You've got to bounce around to five different things. | ||
| You know what somebody pointed out that was so scary about the government? | ||
| You know how Bush was like, I can't let you show the caskets coming back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then Obama's like, okay, guys, we're going to stop that. | ||
| You're allowed to show them. | ||
| And now they just don't show them. | ||
| Out of just fear. | ||
| So the news just doesn't show them. | ||
| They just don't on their own. | ||
| So whatever was told to them is like... | ||
| What do you think about all the shit that's going on in Iraq? | ||
| Do you know what's happening in Iraq? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jihadists are taking over Iraq again. | ||
| Yeah, as soon as we left. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| It was a vacuum that we made. | ||
| It's not our fights, man. | ||
| I know it's not our fights, but what a disaster. | ||
| What a disaster. | ||
| We did nothing to help them. | ||
| What could you do? | ||
| Just stay there forever? | ||
| We're running shit now. | ||
| No, and that's not what you want to be. | ||
| Then you're an occupying force. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| Dick Cheney's right. | ||
| It's obviously the move. | ||
| You can't let the jihadists take it. | ||
| You want a jihadist state run by jihadists? | ||
| What about the children? | ||
| I'll tell you one thing. | ||
| Please do. | ||
| So they had this thing they were going to do in China. | ||
| They were going to put chips in one of the computers so that you couldn't go on VPNs. | ||
| So you couldn't go on the stuff they didn't allow. | ||
| And the people got really mad about it. | ||
| They were like, it's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| They didn't uprise, but they were all upset. | ||
| And the government was like, alright, alright, alright, we won't do it. | ||
| Whoa, they were worried. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whereas here, that's just something we were going to do and not tell anyone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Until Snowden told us. | ||
| But that's just something we were... | ||
| They at least ran it by their people. | ||
| We were just going to do it in secrecy. | ||
| Force the companies to do exactly that. | ||
| Isn't that interesting when that happens? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you see that thing that... | ||
| So when you talk about, like, ultimate freedoms, it's like, eh, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know which one's worse. | ||
| Joe, you want to get really freaked out? | ||
| I just found this out by PDC. You know, you remember PD. If you go into your security on your... | ||
| Your privacy on your phone... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you go down to location services. | ||
| You click on location services. | ||
| Then you go all the way down to system services. | ||
| And then you go down to frequent locations. | ||
| Then it'll just say, like, it'll show your history. | ||
| And let's just say, we'll click on Los Angeles, nine locations recorded, and it's just showing locations that I've been in the last nine days, the exact address I've been in. | ||
| Like where you're driving around. | ||
| Suzo, Jiangsu, one location. | ||
| No, locations that I've hung out at, like I went to. | ||
| Shanghai, New York, four locations. | ||
| Is it places where you stopped and made a call? | ||
| No, where I stopped and it just shows that I wasn't driving anymore, like I hung out. | ||
| It shows exact dots on a map of New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| It's like the exact map, the exact addresses of places I've been. | ||
| How do people not know about this? | ||
| I'm just finding out about it on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. | ||
| Can you shut that off? | ||
| Can you shut it off? | ||
| You can turn it off. | ||
| And now what Apple is saying that you use it for is that it will automatically become smart. | ||
| Your maps are smart. | ||
| Maps are smart. | ||
| Not if you're running from the law. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| And that's why if you use different things like Google Home versus your trip to... | ||
| Pasadena Ice House right now is 20 minutes. | ||
| I'm like, why are you telling me this? | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| It's done shit like that. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's just to improve maps and And things like that. | ||
| So that's why you can turn it off. | ||
| Unless the government gets a hold of it and finds out the warehouse where you're storing the drugs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Isn't that crazy, Ari? | ||
| Where you're storing the drugs. | ||
| Oh, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Well, if you're going to the drug house, don't bring your phone. | ||
| Don't bring your phone. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Get a burner phone from 7-Eleven. | ||
| Well, he stopped here four times. | ||
| Let's go check that out. | ||
| Get one of them flip phones from Ting. | ||
| God, that's a good point. | ||
| Here's all those jellyfish. | ||
| Check out how many are on the beach right here. | ||
| This is Steve-O. Sombrero! | ||
| I hope I never did that. | ||
| Look at all those jellyfish. | ||
| He's got to put a sombrero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It dangers my business, and business is good. | |
| It dangers my business, and business is good. | ||
| He has so many jellyfish. | ||
| He's going to throw the jellyfish on his head. | ||
| Do you think that just feels weird or hurts? | ||
| I don't know because if it's... | ||
| It's hurting. | ||
| I think it probably just feels... | ||
| It looks like it just feels weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Oh my god, look at the size of that thing. | ||
| Oh, he hit him with the tentacles. | ||
| Oh, damn. | ||
| Oh, he's in pain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh yeah, he's probably cut. | ||
| He's got it. | ||
| He's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's putting on his back. | |
| And then he's in agony, screaming and running. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Hands him back around fire. | ||
| Oh my god, he's just running around in agony. | ||
| What does it say afterwards? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing sucks on my channel, so subscribe here. | |
| And if you haven't seen my incredible paparazzi prank I filmed with Okay, you can kill that. | ||
| Jesus Christ, you just lost me, pal. | ||
| I loved you and then I hated you all in one video. | ||
| YouTube Stevo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What a crazy guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, he's a better man than I. Yeah. | |
| It's not happening. | ||
| He's just always willing to go for it. | ||
| The grossness and the snort of wasabi. | ||
| Yeah, fuck all that, man. | ||
| This guy crazy. | ||
| I just can't imagine. | ||
| I can't imagine someone would actually want to do that. | ||
| That seems like a fucking terrible idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we watched it, so he wins. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He wins. | ||
| That's what his objective has achieved. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It was cool. | ||
| It was worth watching. | ||
| By the way, my Storyteller show is recording September 9th and 8th. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I started working on that story. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I got that bitch tightened up now. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| So far it's you, Diaz, Big J, Kreischer's in. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| TJ Miller's in. | ||
| They're trying to get Joan Rivers to do it. | ||
| Oh, snap. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'd be fun. | ||
| That'd be very cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Going after a few cool people too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, doing your show, man, that was really fun. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You liked it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Loved it. | ||
| I loved the setup that it was in Cheetahs, which is like a dingy strip club in LA. Yeah, you get this vibe just going into it. | ||
| That's what we did in Montreal the first time. | ||
| We're doing it again this year, actually, in Montreal. | ||
| But it's upstairs in this tranny strip club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you walk up the stairs, you just feel like darker. | ||
| And then no matter what's said, it's like, go for it. | ||
| I've already been anesthetized against this. | ||
| You're in a tranny strip club. | ||
| You're not allowed to say tranny anymore, by the way. | ||
| Yeah, it's transgender. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yep. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's like saying fag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| But you can still call cabbies. | ||
| Cabbies? | ||
| Cab drivers? | ||
| They're going to get upset now, too. | ||
| No, they're okay for now. | ||
| So we've got to use it up while we can. | ||
| In the future, it'll be one of those things where it's like, you know, like Tom Sawyer, they don't say... | ||
| You can't say Jew in the future. | ||
| The word nigger, they took it out of Tom Sawyer. | ||
| They took it out of Huckleberry Finn. | ||
| I was just thinking about that. | ||
| That's the problem with people going, well, that's certainly certain lines. | ||
| That you shouldn't, people shouldn't listen to it. | ||
| I'm like, no, you just shouldn't listen to it. | ||
| Just turn it off. | ||
| Otherwise, you're like the exact same people that took out, that edited Huck Finn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And said, no, you can't have that book in there. | ||
| You can't edit that. | ||
| I'm not saying you can't write what you write, but I'm allowed to go to the school board and try to get them to take it out of the libraries. | ||
| That's what you're doing when you contact the network and say, we want this band. | ||
| Yeah, you have to reflect the time in an accurate way because it's not about... | ||
| You're pretending that people haven't evolved socially since the 1920s or whenever the fuck they made... | ||
| Was it 18-something that he made? | ||
| Time and a place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's part of being a human being is understanding that there's a constant series of... | ||
| Changes and people grow. | ||
| Cultures evolve. | ||
| We're seeing it in front of our own fucking eyes because of the internet. | ||
| We're seeing blowback. | ||
| We're seeing people get super sensitive about shit they shouldn't get so sensitive about. | ||
| Other folks embrace it just because they want to be in and out of a fight and pick a side and look for the fat acceptance movement. | ||
| Fat acceptance. | ||
| No, I'll fight that. | ||
| No, you're going to die. | ||
| I'm not going to accept that. | ||
| You're going to die early. | ||
| It is disgusting, and you smell. | ||
| Dude, you're so out of line. | ||
| No, fuck that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about fat acceptance? | |
| That's one of those where you're like, well, stop it. | ||
| Stop being like that. | ||
| What about what? | ||
| Fat acceptance. | ||
| No, I do not accept it. | ||
| No! | ||
| No! | ||
| You're so angry. | ||
| It's not even in a My Day thing. | ||
| It's gross, and you're going to die. | ||
| It's clearly unhealthy. | ||
| Stop being gross. | ||
| But isn't that another thing? | ||
| Just like a sex addiction or a gambling addiction, it's a food addiction. | ||
| I don't care what anybody says about- It fringes in the eyes of others. | ||
| It does a little bit sometimes. | ||
| On a plane, it does. | ||
| But what anybody says about the causes of it, for sure, some people have a faster metabolism. | ||
| For sure, some people can get away with eating anything. | ||
| We all know dudes who can just eat anything and they never get fat. | ||
| I'm close to one of those. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we also know that if they staple your stomach, what are they doing? | ||
| They're making your stomach smaller. | ||
| That means you're taking less food. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| So it's a willpower thing. | ||
| If you start taking less, you'll need less to fill up. | ||
| This motherfucker did it. | ||
| He lost 80 pounds. | ||
| Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brian lost 80 pounds. | ||
| And I gained back most of it. | ||
| But he lost 80 pounds. | ||
| Same thing with Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz lost 80 pounds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He gained back... | ||
| 67. Somewhere in... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But the idea is that if you could just get it off and keep it off. | ||
| Some guys have gotten it off and kept it off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I guess there is such a thing as an addiction, but I think it's way more people just going like, well, I'm in that group. | ||
| Like, no, you ain't. | ||
| You just stop going to the diner at 345. It's also they get addicted to having certain types of foods in their body, like sugars. | ||
| There's a lot of people... | ||
| Yeah, you get used to it. | ||
| If I have enough days in a row of lots of candy, which is every day, and then if I go a day without it by 6pm, I start getting low blood sugar. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to stop eating candy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to get off it. | ||
| I was doing a lot less of that in China. | ||
| You don't take caffeine in. | ||
| No, no caffeine. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Constantly eating sugar. | ||
| I can see the negative effect on me. | ||
| But caffeine has benefits. | ||
| Antioxidant effects, cognitive benefits. | ||
| I drink a lot of tea. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's probably better. | ||
| You get some caffeine from the tea, but they say that herbal tea is like drinking a very mild vegetable soup. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I see that. | ||
| There's some certain type of vegetable nutrients that you can get. | ||
| Not a lot of it. | ||
| Very watered down. | ||
| But it's actually not bad for you. | ||
| A lot of teas are actually quite good for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I see even the caffeine teas. | ||
| Really, the caffeine stays in the leaf, so it's not really coming off it into your stuff. | ||
| I never got jacked from tea. | ||
| I never drank tea, and I was like, whoa! | ||
| Once I started losing my voice, I just did a little research. | ||
| Like, what makes you lose your voice? | ||
| And one of them was caffeine. | ||
| I was like, I'm done. | ||
| I've never heard that. | ||
| I've never heard caffeine makes you lose your voice. | ||
| Anything dehydrates you in some way. | ||
| It's caffeine. | ||
| They definitely said alcohol. | ||
| They said smoking, but I'm like, look, I'll make do where I can. | ||
| Dave Foley used to drink pots of coffee. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Pots. | ||
| Pots. | ||
| He said he pretty much ran that show, top to bottom. | ||
| Dave Foley didn't pretty much run the show. | ||
| Paul Sims definitely ran the show. | ||
| He was the guy who produced it and created it. | ||
| But Dave Foley was what I would call a secret producer, an uncredited producer. | ||
| He just took control of it. | ||
| Well, he was just really good at creating sketches because of Kids in the Hall. | ||
| Oh, so good. | ||
| Really good at creating... | ||
| Oh, I saw them live somewhere. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you tell me. | ||
| He was really good at creating moments. | ||
| And so Dave would see a scene, and the reason why he was able to do that was that Paul... | ||
| Like, he saw that that was a benefit. | ||
| They had super healthy egos about that stuff. | ||
| Like, they would let us... | ||
| We could ad-lib all the time. | ||
| Especially for the first four years. | ||
| We did a lot of ad-libbing. | ||
| And Dave Foley was a big part of that. | ||
| Like, restructuring entire scenes. | ||
| The first four years of the meeting before? | ||
| Before Phil died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But Dave, you know, he just had a great sense of it. | ||
| And it was just a really open sort of an environment where they allowed, like Andy Dick, you know, they allowed him to be him. | ||
| They allowed him to open up and expand. | ||
| He got set him loose. | ||
| Yeah, expand the character. | ||
| He would have these moments, and he would add a bunch of things to the moment to make them more ridiculous and preposterous. | ||
| And we would add things to each other. | ||
| I would occasionally write for Vicki Lewis. | ||
| I could see how she would make something really funny. | ||
| And so we would do it for each other. | ||
| She might suggest something to me, and she would see your character from an outside point of view. | ||
| I'd say something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that would work. | ||
| Well, it was a weird environment. | ||
| Camaraderie, huh? | ||
| Yeah, it was a great camaraderie. | ||
| It was a great cast. | ||
| It was a really good show, man. | ||
| And Sims, a great show. | ||
| There was, like, straight actors, too. | ||
| Like Steven Rue, who's fucking hilarious. | ||
| But he essentially would just take the lines and go into his character and then, you know, like, create that Jimmy James character. | ||
| I was talking about the other day how great he was in, like, Office Space. | ||
| And, like, you forget about him. | ||
| Dude's great on everything. | ||
| He's a fucking great guy, too. | ||
| And he goes serious, too, a lot. | ||
| He gave a million dollars to some charity. | ||
| You're like, how good did he do in his career? | ||
| He gave a million dollars to some charity. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's what Renazisi said. | ||
| Renazisi might have made that up. | ||
| Yeah, it might have been $20. | ||
| I could see him doing that, though. | ||
| He's such a nice guy. | ||
| If he really had a lot of money laying around, he might do it. | ||
| Something he cared about? | ||
| He's a very interesting, real artist. | ||
| That's how I describe Stephen Root when it comes to being an actor. | ||
| He's a real artist. | ||
| Some of them are into it like that. | ||
| He's legit. | ||
| Plus, you couldn't say anything bad about the guy as a person. | ||
| He's a very, very nice person. | ||
| Always a very nice person. | ||
| But the most impressive actor was Maura Tierney. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I didn't even know she was acting sometimes. | ||
| Like, we'd be doing a scene together. | ||
| Like, sometimes we'd fuck off in the middle of scenes. | ||
| People would joke around. | ||
| And she'd get back into the scene, and she was so good. | ||
| Like, you couldn't tell that she was acting sometimes, if that makes any sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, her ability to act... | ||
| You know, I never even took acting classes. | ||
| I took a couple lessons, some private lessons that Disney made me take with this really crazy lady who was trying to get me to leverage her to be my mom in a sitcom. | ||
| They created a sitcom. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, she was so crazy. | ||
| I did it because they made me do it. | ||
| I took these acting classes. | ||
| She tried to get you to put her in it? | ||
| Yeah, it was humiliating too. | ||
| It was such an uncomfortable scenario. | ||
| They hired her to do it, but she was really weird with me. | ||
| She wanted in. | ||
| Well, she said weird shit to me too. | ||
| She's like, I'm worried you're going to go over there and you're going to fail. | ||
| Oh, that's what I put in my head. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm not good at that shit. | ||
| You know, because people played head games with me all throughout my childhood in fights. | ||
| Like, that would be at the weigh-ins. | ||
| People would say weird head game shit to you when you were weighing in. | ||
| Like, what's it going to be like when I knock you out? | ||
| Oh, that's not going to happen, so don't worry about it. | ||
| Have a nice night. | ||
| I'll see you in a few minutes, okay? | ||
| And I'm going to kick you in your fucking face. | ||
| Dudes would say shit like that to each other. | ||
| So when you knew that you were going to have a fucking kickboxing match and then you're talking shit to somebody at the weigh-ins, the difference between that and some lady who's an acting coach trying to tell me that she thinks I'm going to go over there, I'm worried you're going to go over there and you're going to fail. | ||
| I'm like, well, you don't need to worry about that. | ||
| And don't talk to me like this. | ||
| This is some gross, passive-aggressive, like, why are you worried that I'm going to fail? | ||
| Because I got something that you never got? | ||
| Like, shut up. | ||
| This is a stupid way of talking to people. | ||
| You don't ever say, I'm worried you're going to go over there and fail. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| I'm not the best actor in the world. | ||
| I've never been. | ||
| But I know how to do it. | ||
| It's not that hard. | ||
| When you're acting sitcom style, you pretend that it's really happening. | ||
| So when I'm doing that, I'm like... | ||
| I know what I'm doing here. | ||
| I was never watching you on news radio going, Jesus, man, fucking do the line again. | ||
| It's not that hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was also good writing is the most important thing because news radio had- It's hard when it's really shitty writing. | ||
| It had perfect writing at many times. | ||
| It was like the best written shows, by far, the best written thing that I was ever a part of. | ||
| But I was on a bad show before that. | ||
| This Fox show was terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, the baseball show was diggity-diggity dog shit! | ||
| It was so bad! | ||
| And so that's way harder to do. | ||
| When you do a show like NewsRadio, it's easy to be good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because the writing's so good. | ||
| Yeah, so you get into it more. | ||
| The idea's good. | ||
| They let you say, like, I'm going to change these lines a little bit. | ||
| This sounds more like I'd say... | ||
| If you let someone be involved... | ||
| I think this is where Paul Sims was a genius. | ||
| not just in the fact that he's a really good writer, but he also recognized that if you let someone be a part of the creative process, they're even more invested in it. | ||
| They enjoy it even more. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I mean, I think that was it. | ||
| It was also that there were always just no ego, looking for the best line. | ||
| And Foley would always come up with the best line. | ||
| He was so good at that. | ||
| It's, you know, he's one of those guys, man. | ||
| He's been on the podcast before talking about the problems that he's had in divorce and alimony and child support and stuff like that. | ||
| that he's one of those guys that like when I think about the fact that he might have been like derailed in a lot of ways because of this horrible relationship that he is still tied up to and financially entangled with and still a part of some crazy divorce procedure it's like going on and on and on because he owes back alimony or child support or whatever second worst relationship on that show The second worst. | ||
| Yeah, he had the second worst. | ||
| Phil had the worst. | ||
| That was the other thing you get used to. | ||
| You get used to seeing all these people interact with other people of their ilk, and that's where I developed my no headshots policy. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| You always tell us about that. | ||
| Seeing actors interacting with other actors, and they're both crazy, and they're both trying to work it out. | ||
| It was just too much chaos. | ||
| Too much chaos there with famous people trying to hang out with other wanting-to-be-famous people or other famous people. | ||
| It's very weird, huh? | ||
| There's also the weird dynamic if only one of you is successful. | ||
| And you're both in the same business. | ||
| Not good, dude. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| I've had friends that were successful, but they dated unsuccessful actresses, and the unsuccessful actresses would always try to get them to mention them to a casting director. | ||
| Did you talk about me? | ||
| Because that movie, he's casting that movie, and I am fucking perfect for that part. | ||
| He doesn't know that I'm perfect for that part, but you have to tell him. | ||
| I've seen that shit. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| No, because you're not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or the other way, it's even crazier when it's a chick and the chick's making mad money and on TV in front of the camera. | ||
| And then she's like, do something with your life. | ||
| It's that Weasley dude that's behind her sweaty, holding her hands. | ||
| And what do you do, Tom? | ||
| I'm a producer of sorts. | ||
| Well, I'm working on the script right now. | ||
| It's kind of a romantic comedy involving my wife and another man. | ||
| You know, that's all I got. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The dominant female. | ||
| The dominant female star with the beta male. | ||
| The beta male behind her. | ||
| Hanging in there, clinging. | ||
| People tell you it's normal. | ||
| It's totally normal. | ||
| It's totally normal. | ||
| Bitch, that ain't normal. | ||
| Yeah, it's not normal. | ||
| You need to get some enlightenment. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| People, like, the yin and the yang of relationships. | ||
| Very difficult. | ||
| I've seen so many, like, cool relationships that at some point became... | ||
| Death. | ||
| No, they just, the girl turns and they go, what are you doing? | ||
| I mean, you gotta get a better job. | ||
| You gotta do it. | ||
| It's like, why? | ||
| Because you're getting a better job? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, but it gets in the way. | ||
| That's their breeding. | ||
| Well, it's also you hanging around with comics. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, yeah, I'm gonna struggle for a while. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of comics that they get married and the girl wants to have a baby, and she worries, how are you going to be able to feed the baby? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why'd you get involved with a fucking broke comic? | ||
| What'd you think he was going to do? | ||
| Suddenly be a banker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, Ari, you can't help who you fall in love with. | |
| You can't help who you fall in love with, and I fell in love with you, okay? | ||
| I'm fucking sorry. | ||
| I wish it didn't happen, but it did. | ||
| It's a spell. | ||
| It's a magic spell. | ||
| Well, what I fell in love with you was your love for abortion, and now things are changing. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| That's the perfect thing to say right there. | ||
| How dare the perfect thing to say? | ||
| Yeah, if you talk to someone and you're dating them and you know this is never going anywhere, and they're like thoroughly opposed to abortion, you're like, eeks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This could end ugly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This could end the worst way. | ||
| Because unfortunately, Patrice had a fucking great joke about that. | ||
| What? | ||
| Patrice had a great joke about people getting mad that you don't want to have the same kind of relationship they have. | ||
| He was a prophet. | ||
| And, you know, you want to be the president of General Motors. | ||
| Well, the president of General Motors, that job's not available. | ||
| But the job is available that I come over to your house at 2 o'clock in the morning, drink your last Snapple, and you suck my dick. | ||
| That job's available. | ||
| Like, that position's available. | ||
| That's the only position that's available. | ||
| Take it or leave it. | ||
| So you tell me whether you want this position. | ||
| Like, don't, like, if that's the kind of relationship. | ||
| He goes, that's the kind of relationship we have. | ||
| You know, you can't get mad at me that I don't want to make it something different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is what I have open for you. | ||
| I call this girl in some city that I'd hooked up with here or there. | ||
| I met her in Bray at one of your shows, actually. | ||
| Yeah, real cool. | ||
| And we've done it on and on for a few years. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then I found her in some city. | ||
| She was living there now. | ||
| And she was like, actually, I got a boyfriend now. | ||
| I was like, you want to hang out? | ||
| Because, you know, I'll hang out sometimes. | ||
| And she goes, you don't have to. | ||
| I mean, honestly, our relationship is only ever like that one thing. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, you're right. | ||
| It was. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So best of luck to you. | ||
| So you offered to just hang out and be like a nice guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| First I offered to hang out and then also sex. | ||
| But I don't spell that out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was also born in that city. | |
| Oh, I see. | ||
| So you felt like if you got close to her and you were hanging out together, sex would probably happen. | ||
| Sure, it would. | ||
| But I was also lonely in that city. | ||
| I was like, hey, there's some new movie out this week. | ||
| You want to go see it? | ||
| And then, yeah, you don't have to say, obviously. | ||
| We're going to fuck later. | ||
| Look at their music playing, bro. | ||
| What's the music sound like? | ||
| Like a Cat Stevens song. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Cats in the crater in the sea. | ||
| Sing about my dad? | ||
| Little boy blue and a man blue. | ||
| That was the hold music they played when Homer lost his child and couldn't find Bart. | ||
| So it was like missing persons and they start playing that for the hold music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh God. | |
| He starts crying. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I read something. | ||
| It was like advice to men. | ||
| It was like all these different. | ||
| And one of them was one of the pieces of advice, never go back with an ex. | ||
| Why? | ||
| She doesn't really want you anymore. | ||
| Yeah, there's a reason it didn't work out. | ||
| She doesn't really want you anymore. | ||
| I'm like, God, that's so generalizing. | ||
| Because how many times have you gotten back with an ex and had the best sex in the history of the fucking universe? | ||
| We don't see each other for a long fucking time. | ||
| It should just be like, be careful with your heart with an ex. | ||
| Your heart. | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| What have you done with Ari? | ||
| Jesus Christ, what is this? | ||
| You blew it, mister! | ||
| You're like fucking Clayface from Batman. | ||
| You're pretending to be Ari. | ||
| East Coast now with his emotions. | ||
| I'll get rain on you, you bitch, and you'll turn back into Clayface. | ||
| I fall in love every once in a while. | ||
| God, who the fuck are you? | ||
| What have you done with Ari? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Are you in love right now, Ari? | ||
| No. | ||
| Tell me about your soul. | ||
| It's pretty right now. | ||
| Yeah, so what were you about to say when I'm so rudely interrupted? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| Something about your feelings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're stupid. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I was like, just be careful. | ||
| Yeah, if you get back with it. | ||
| Careful with your heart. | ||
| They're going to hurt you again. | ||
| Is that what you said? | ||
| If it's about sex, yeah. | ||
| Said careful with your heart? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You should write songs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should write songs. | |
| I don't know how to rhyme. | ||
| Otherwise I'd do it. | ||
| I would love to see you like swaying back and forth in front of a microphone. | ||
| Do that cricket dance? | ||
| Yeah, singing like a real serious song. | ||
| What's that song? | ||
| Hey there, Delilah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you singing like a real serious song? | ||
| Like maybe like Counting Crows style? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, be careful with your hearts. | |
| Yeah, emote. | ||
| Really emote with it. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| Some of the best times ever. | ||
| Some of the lyrics will be real quiet-y, like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's bad advice, right? | |
| You know what? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's like saying... | ||
| There's no weirdness. | ||
| If you hang out with an ex, you're definitely fucking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's probably going to be really fun. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Freeing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Be freeing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you'll know what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, the idea that she's... | ||
| I mean, come on, man. | ||
| Oh, I miss you. | ||
| You can't generalize. | ||
| I haven't fucked you like this for a while. | ||
| Sometimes it works. | ||
| Sometimes you apologize for how it went bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes you fuck like wild animals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
| And then, about five hours into it, they said something that reminds you of how fucking annoying they were. | ||
| And you're like, oh my god, what am I doing? | ||
| Jill Sobily used to have a song about, if you want to prove my lack of heterosexuality, listen to Jill Sobily. | ||
| But she used to have a song about forgetting a guy's smile. | ||
| And they're like, oh yeah, that's such a great smile. | ||
| And then forgetting why she broke up with him. | ||
| And I was like, oh yeah, you tried to fuck all my friends. | ||
| That's right, I remember that part now. | ||
| But that smile will win you over again. | ||
| It's very difficult, if a girl has a nice ass, to remember all the mean things. | ||
| A girl has a great ass, and she's DTF. You're hanging out. | ||
| You're both single. | ||
| You got a couple cocktails in you. | ||
| You just happen to be in the same town. | ||
| She just touches your skin. | ||
| It's around here. | ||
| Little kissy, kissy, kissing your dick is like a goddamn crowbar. | ||
| Oh, look who's back. | ||
| Look who's back, my little boner. | ||
| Yeah, ready to fuck. | ||
| Sometimes you get a girl that can just talk to you. | ||
| And you're like, oh, there it is. | ||
| Yeah, there's certain girls that are sexier. | ||
| And I'm sure there's certain guys that are sexier, too. | ||
| I'm sure it's girls. | ||
| There's a lot of shit you and I both do that it's really fucking annoying and is a real vagina dryer. | ||
| A real fucking close the show, right? | ||
| Every guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For every girl that thinks what you do is hot... | |
| First time I opened for you, I saw a girl, hot, walking across the whole, like, Faneuil Hall. | ||
| I see her crossing the hallway. | ||
| The show's over. | ||
| She's crossing from the bathrooms back there all the way. | ||
| And I'm looking at her the hallway. | ||
| And then she gets up to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are wicked funny! | |
| I almost pissed myself! | ||
| And I was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it goes. | |
| That's designed that way. | ||
| To keep them... | ||
| Yeah, nature designs it that way. | ||
| To keep them alone. | ||
| Well, to keep you from wanting to do that. | ||
| Keep you from breeding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a yellow snake. | |
| It's like you've been enlightened. | ||
| You've escaped. | ||
| You've escaped from that East Coast area. | ||
| Speaking of enlightened, Shroomfest is here August 9th, 10th, and 11th. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Allegedly, everybody who participates participates online simultaneously. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Just do mushrooms August 9th, 10th, and 11th. | ||
| Like portabella. | ||
| If you want to know how to find them, or what they're all about, I wrote a primer online you can go to. | ||
| It pretty much answers every question you've ever had about mushrooms. | ||
| If you just Google Ari Shaffir Shroomfest Primer. | ||
| Are you worried about advertising shroom press that you might be targeted by the feds? | ||
| As what? | ||
| As a shroom supporter? | ||
| No, man. | ||
| I live free. | ||
| Wow, you do live free. | ||
| Sometimes if I don't see any reason for these rules at all, I'm like, nah, we're not going to act on that. | ||
| It's the dumbest set of rules ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The fact that you go to CVS and buy a gallon of whiskey and drink yourself to death in the parking lot. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| No one can stop you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The fact that that's possible. | ||
| I'm not facilitating any mushroom. | ||
| Sons of bitches. | ||
| I'm not buying it for people. | ||
| I'm just fucking... | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Tell me, everybody. | ||
| Fucking, you should do it. | ||
| We should all do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how laws change anyway. | ||
| You know who shouldn't do it? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Dick Cheney. | ||
| No, he definitely should. | ||
| People under 23. And even if they do it, whatever. | ||
| That seems old. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd go younger than that. | ||
| It depends on their upbringing. | ||
| I'd say 21. Alright, 21's not bad. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I had some cool friends in high school that did it that always scared me. | ||
| If we're going to allow people to drink at 21, how can you not allow them to take mushrooms too? | ||
| I'd say, realistically, 16 and a half. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| If you have community centers where you could give these kids a dose that you know is super safe... | ||
| Even if they don't, they'll be fine. | ||
| What if the only way to get mushrooms... | ||
| I'm not saying the kids should do mushrooms, don't get me wrong. | ||
| Let's go to your counselor or something? | ||
| Joe Rogan says kids should do mushrooms. | ||
| I'm not saying they should do mushrooms, but if a 16-year-old wanted to do mushrooms... | ||
| And they just got them on their own and took them. | ||
| That could be dangerous. | ||
| And you don't know how much to take. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You don't know how strong it is. | ||
| You don't know how much to take. | ||
| Don't get behind the wheel with this. | ||
| It's going to really fuck you up. | ||
| And here's the reality. | ||
| 16-year-old kids will do it. | ||
| They did it when I was in high school. | ||
| There was always kids that did mushrooms and fucking listened to the wall. | ||
| You know what Vancouver's got? | ||
| I know. | ||
| In Hastings, in the fucking heroin area, they have safe shoot-up places. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| Where you can go tell them what I'm taking. | ||
| So if you overdose, they can whatever, help you. | ||
| As best they can. | ||
| Instead of hiding it, they're going to do it. | ||
| Why are we not helping them? | ||
| So people are going to do mushrooms. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You should be able to talk to your guidance counselor in high school about it. | ||
| Yeah, it's smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's smart to regulate... | ||
| How much do you take? | ||
| No, you don't need an ounce. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You need half an eighth. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You're not taking an ounce. | ||
| You're going to take a stem. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| We're going to see if you freak out. | ||
| And then you're going to come back tomorrow. | ||
| We're going to talk to you about how psilocybin affects the brain. | ||
| Take a cab. | ||
| Next time, we'll take more. | ||
| Here's all the benefits of psilocybin. | ||
| Here's what they've shown. | ||
| John Hopkins University showed that people who took... | ||
| Yeah, you started that study. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| That's what... | ||
| If they had like... | ||
| Certain drugs that were not just legal but respected. | ||
| Like, that's the real problem with things like psychedelic drugs. | ||
| They can't make grants to research them. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Well, they can now. | ||
| They can now more than ever before. | ||
| They can get the rights to, and Strassman did all those studies on DMT, and then new ones on DMT. They got new ones going on right now. | ||
| I gotta do DMT eventually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You do, indeed. | ||
| Yes, indeedy. | ||
| But only if it's legal under the God's law. | ||
| Somebody gave me some in Winnipeg, but he freaked me out. | ||
| He was like, hey, here's what DMC says. | ||
| I was like, oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I was like, maybe if I get the right... | ||
| And then he goes, but if you don't do it, don't give it to anyone. | ||
| Just throw it out. | ||
| I'm like, I'm out. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| The warning like that. | ||
| Don't give it to anybody. | ||
| Yeah, what does that mean? | ||
| What's in this? | ||
| Yeah, you fucking crazy asshole. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Mixed in some roofies. | ||
| He's got your phone. | ||
| He knows exactly where you are at all times. | ||
| He's got your phone's location addresses hooked up to his laptop, and he's phoning you around in a fucking bulletproof van. | ||
| Solid rubber tires like the Punisher. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm going to throw you back there. | ||
| Take you for a fuck ride. | ||
| You think you're funny, huh? | ||
| Amazing racist? | ||
| My mother's half Mexican! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beat you. | |
| Fucks your face while you're out cold. | ||
| Not good, dude. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| You're very smart. | ||
| They told me they had mushrooms in Hong Kong. | ||
| I found some people that were podcast listeners. | ||
| These musicians were out there. | ||
| And he said something because I made a joke about mushrooms. | ||
| And he goes, uh... | ||
| And he's like, oh yeah, you know, I get him out here. | ||
| I heard from the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And I was like, where do you get them out here? | ||
| He goes, they're in the woods, man. | ||
| Hong Kong has woods and it's humid as shit. | ||
| Like, how do you know what to pick? | ||
| He goes, I did a lot of research. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta know. | ||
| Cross-reference it with pictures. | ||
| McKenna talked about all the different varieties that look like psilocybin mushrooms but are super toxic. | ||
| Super poisons? | ||
| Yeah, those are like the red ones. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know, man. | ||
| That seems like a get-out warning from the plant. | ||
| Some of them, yeah, like the Amanita muscaria. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, I'm not taking any answers. | ||
| Drug dealer or nothing on that. | ||
| You know what the other problem with that Amanita muscaria one is? | ||
| What? | ||
| Never talked to a single person who had a real trip with them. | ||
| You had people taking them? | ||
| Take them and nothing happens. | ||
| It's not really a mushroom, right? | ||
| It's different than a regular mushroom. | ||
| Well, it's not psilocybin. | ||
| Right, that's what it is. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's some other... | ||
| Different psychoactive. | ||
| Yeah, and they think that the mushrooms that you're getting now, when you get an Amanita muscaria, for folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about, Google Amanita muscaria mushroom and religion. | ||
| Google religion, because it's connected to a lot of religions. | ||
| It's connected to Santa Claus. | ||
| It's supposed to be the original Santa Claus. | ||
| Just Google it and figure it out. | ||
| It's fascinating, but we've talked about it too much on the podcast to go on. | ||
| But it's apparently different than psilocybin. | ||
| It's another different type of... | ||
| But I've never heard a single person who's done it who got off on it, who had a real psychedelic experience. | ||
| I did it with Doug. | ||
| Doug and I did it on the day of the Iraq War. | ||
| Me and Doug and Jan Irvin. | ||
| Jan cooked it up and we drank this tea, but McKenna was saying that those mushrooms may be different genetically and seasonally and also in the area. | ||
| If you get cherries out of season, then it's sweet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And apparently you got to catch them in the right area. | ||
| You got to get them from the right branch of this mushroom tree that's grown or whatever it is. | ||
| Mexican food in New York. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| But the ones that we're getting today are just bullshit. | ||
| But apparently in some parts of the world, some people know how to do it right. | ||
| They're probably the ones who cultivate them on purpose since they're letting them grow. | ||
| But it's not like psilocybin. | ||
| Like psilocybin mushrooms get you off no matter where the fuck you are. | ||
| No matter who takes them, psilocybin mushrooms produce psilocybin. | ||
| That's what they are. | ||
| You know, there's stropharia cubensis. | ||
| There's a bunch of different types of these, similars. | ||
| But all of them that have psilocybin knock you into fucking Jupiter. | ||
| That doesn't work that way with the Amanita Muscaria. | ||
| So a lot of people are confused about the original use of the Amanita Muscaria. | ||
| There's all this speculation about it being attached to Christianity and all these ancient religions. | ||
| If you look at all these old cards and things from the 1800s, Santa Claus on Christmas cards. | ||
| They all had the Amanita muscari attached to it. | ||
| That mushroom was like a big part of Christian folklore and culture. | ||
| Super Mario Brothers, too. | ||
| I don't know how that got in there. | ||
| They didn't know. | ||
| No one knew. | ||
| So they just thought, like, I'll put this weird-looking mushroom in? | ||
| No one really... | ||
| It was mainstream for a small period of time in the 1970s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But the Catholic Church bought off the rights to the John Marco Allegro books. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, one of them's still available. | ||
| You're the worst. | ||
| You're the worst, Catholics. | ||
| The new pope's a good guy, though. | ||
| Seems like a nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This John Marco Allegro guy wrote a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross. | ||
| And the reason why it was significant is he was one of the scholars that was... | ||
| That said that's what helped start Christianity? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, and they're like, no! | ||
| Yeah, they were like, fuck this. | ||
| So they bought up the rights. | ||
| It connected the mushrooms to Jesus and a bunch of other shit. | ||
| They bought up the rights to it, but they didn't buy up the rights to the other one, the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Christian Myth, which is even more inflammatory in its title. | ||
| Sort of like to go, hey, you can't silence me, dickheads. | ||
| I'll just write another one, and I'll write it with another company. | ||
| That's right, you can write another book. | ||
| That one you can still buy. | ||
| The Sacred Mushroom of the Cross, you have to buy, you have to get it. | ||
| Oh, actually, Jan Irving just republished it. | ||
| You can probably almost automatically illegally download it. | ||
| No, Jan Irvin started publishing it again. | ||
| Yeah, he started publishing it again a few years ago. | ||
| Before that, I have a couple copies of it, but they're all really old. | ||
| I got them from a used bookstore. | ||
| And Christianity doesn't want people knowing of that. | ||
| They didn't back then. | ||
| That's for fuck sure. | ||
| It was at Simpsons where Homer had a crayon up his nose and it went through his brain and made him super smart. | ||
| And he came up with a proof that there's no such thing as God. | ||
| And he gave it to his next door neighbor, Smithers. | ||
| Smithers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, not Smithers. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| No. | ||
| Who's Smithers? | ||
| No, what? | ||
| Mr. Burns. | ||
| Flanders. | ||
| Flanders. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Flanders, there you go. | ||
| Yeah, he goes, well, that can't be true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, oh, that, yeah, that, oh, wow. | |
| And he goes, well, we can't let this get out. | ||
| He burns it immediately. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's like, well, we can't let there be a proof for no God. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they would do. | ||
| Like, what if they found today? | ||
| Like, what if they found incontrovertible evidence? | ||
| If the Catholic Church found incontrovertible evidence that Christianity was designed by aliens to keep people in line until they landed? | ||
| They have to bury it. | ||
| I'll give you an analogy. | ||
| Yeah, what if they found, like, one of those, like, Obi-Wan, help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope. | ||
| They hit some thing. | ||
| I'm about to start crocheting it. | ||
| Hulligan shows up and explains how humans were created. | ||
| L. Ron Hubbard. | ||
| Shows an alien. | ||
| Wearing old clothes. | ||
| Banging a monkey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shooting a load into a monkey. | ||
| Shaking it up in a test tube. | ||
| Point. | ||
| A human being pops out. | ||
| I think they keep going because for the same reason Philip Morris kept going when they found out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, well, we got a good business going now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I'm not giving up my house in Tahiti. | ||
| So it's based on nothing. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| I have a castle in Tahiti. | ||
| So what? | ||
| People smoke cigarettes. | ||
| They're going to smoke anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We tell them it's bad. | ||
| Look, people need to worship something. | ||
| They worship cigarettes. | ||
| I gotta pee again. | ||
| Go pee, you silly bitch. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I got another story for you about Shanghai. | ||
| Well, you have such an interesting... | ||
| Go ahead and pee. | ||
| Ari, for folks who don't know, has such an interesting take on religion and religious, fundamentalist religion ideas, because he lived in a crazy religious community in, not a kibbutz, but one of those things, in Israel. | ||
| And studied the Talmud for like 12 hours a day, every day, and had all these super specific rules. | ||
| And then went from there to become, within a couple years, he was a dirty comedian, which is amazing. | ||
| And like the exact opposite. | ||
| Like not only was he just a dirty comic, but he was doing like, you know, like that. | ||
| Those videos that he was doing that was very, you know, jokingly racist and stuff. | ||
| He went from, like, the opposite end immediately. | ||
| Well, he went very inflammatory, shock humor, stuff that he thinks is funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we're talking about you, dude. | ||
| How weird it is. | ||
| You're, like, one of the only dudes that I know that went from being, like, in a very strict religious upbringing, like, about as strict as you can get, to becoming an open-minded, dirty comedian who starts a mushroom festival. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's probably the only one. | ||
| Who the fuck else is there? | ||
| You're in a class by yourself, pal. | ||
| There were a few others that were religious that got out. | ||
| Metzger, Pete Holmes. | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely a few that got out. | ||
| But not as far out as you got. | ||
| They all kind of linger around the edge. | ||
| They dance. | ||
| Metzger's pretty out. | ||
| Metzger hates religion. | ||
| Kurt Metzger? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was he? | ||
| He was Jehovah's Witness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| He was real deep in the brother so-and-so, brother Joe, brother Brian. | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now he's viewed it the same way. | ||
| He brings up these... | ||
| And he breaks them down, too. | ||
| He says this thing. | ||
| There's no justification in the Bible for killing someone at war. | ||
| War has nothing to do... | ||
| There's no nations in the Bible. | ||
| You're not allowed to... | ||
| Just because America's attacking Iraq, you're not allowed to go in and kill an Iraqi. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But still do not kill. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he talks about stuff like... | ||
| Baking up in kosher, then it always comes back to something. | ||
| Why was that in the Bible? | ||
| Because it's made up! | ||
| You're like, why is there an explanation? | ||
| Because it's clearly made up! | ||
| Well, it has to be made up. | ||
| Everything's made up. | ||
| We know that... | ||
| Look, if it's not like... | ||
| Could you imagine if you're dealing with a religion that the people that all practice that religion are clearly elevated? | ||
| They're clearly in some incredible place where they never lie, and they're only altruistic in their motives, and they're super kind, they're super honest, and they live universally. | ||
| There's no variation. | ||
| Universally by this intense moral code and this... | ||
| Projecting of love and understanding everywhere. | ||
| So much so that you felt it when you were near them. | ||
| Like, wow, that guy's clearly a Catholic priest. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, if that was a thing. | ||
| If it was a thing where these people would never lie, they would never cover up child rape, then you might listen to them. | ||
| Then you might say, okay, well maybe these guys really did find the Word of God. | ||
| And if the word of God made a lot of sense, if it doesn't make sense to people, well, you know, God works in mysterious ways. | ||
| Or retards wrote a book, and you're asking me to follow a book that retards wrote. | ||
| They used to sell, if you donated enough, they would sell you these tickets. | ||
| I forget what they're called, but these tickets into heaven. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they started selling to rich people. | ||
| And that, I mean, the priests, the popes, they would do that. | ||
| That's not even close to the worst thing they've done. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, not even close. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Well, how about the last pope himself? | ||
| The last pope, the last guy, is really, he's guilty of crimes against humans, crimes against nature. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| He was one of the guys that diverted priest pedophiles. | ||
| He diverted them to new places. | ||
| So they could do it again. | ||
| They did it again. | ||
| And it's like, this is your head. | ||
| That means the head of your organization is going to do that, and you're still going to be in that organization? | ||
| One of them raped a hundred deaf kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Wrap your head around that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| So the priest was directly responsible for moving a guy who raped like a hundred deaf kids. | ||
| The official numbers, like, speculation between 30 and 100. I mean, this has been going on for 1,500 years. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Probably since the beginning of the times where they made them be celibate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| It's probably when they started fucking kids. | ||
| It's probably when they started covering it up. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing that you have one religion. | ||
| And this is a religion that I come from, by the way. | ||
| One sect of the religion. | ||
| One sect of this. | ||
| It's not even Christianity. | ||
| It's specifically this. | ||
| I think of Catholicism as its own religion, but I guess you're right. | ||
| Protestants don't do this. | ||
| But Catholics don't think of themselves as Christians. | ||
| You talk to a Catholic, it's very rare that a Catholic considers themselves a Christian. | ||
| They consider themselves a Catholic. | ||
| Yeah, and Egyptians don't consider themselves Arab. | ||
| But get over yourself. | ||
| They're in Africa, though. | ||
| Yeah, they're whatever. | ||
| Arab. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| That's not Arabia. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Ooh, this guy's an asshole. | ||
| But Catholics, the one religion that's explicitly connected to raping children. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no other one. | ||
| It's in their newsletter. | ||
| Look, there's people in all sects of life that do terrible things. | ||
| It's not people. | ||
| It's systematic. | ||
| Systematic. | ||
| Systemic over the years. | ||
| Been covered up and made to continue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Instead of going, oh, who cares what you are? | ||
| You've done this. | ||
| We're going to report you to the police. | ||
| And try to get you to stop doing it. | ||
| It should be the responsibility as a Catholic Church. | ||
| Not even cover it up and make sure it never happens again. | ||
| This guy should go to jail as a warning to other priests. | ||
| He was accused of crimes against humanity by victims of sex abuse. | ||
| Victims' complaints to the International Criminal Court accuses Pope Benedict and three others of failing to prevent abusers. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
| And hiding them and moving them. | ||
| Yeah, he's a criminal. | ||
| He knew that this guy was fucking kids and moved him to a place. | ||
| Just the idea that you are in charge of administering the law in some way and you're so ignorant, you don't understand the recidivism rates for child molesters. | ||
| Like that's criminally ignorant. | ||
| Or it's either that or you're complicit. | ||
| It's one of the two. | ||
| You're trying to protect your business. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This will be bad news for it. | ||
| Let's cover it up. | ||
| There's no other options, right? | ||
| Those are the only two options. | ||
| So why is that guy wandering around? | ||
| Why isn't that guy locked in a cage? | ||
| Remember those people in China that the baby powder formula? | ||
| Baby formula powder that like 20 kids died from this baby powder? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they found out what the CEOs of that company were doing was putting this enzyme in that would make it test higher for purities. | ||
| But this enzyme, they just added on their own It also had toxins in it and it killed 20 people. | ||
| They just murdered those people. | ||
| The Chinese government said, we're going to kill you all now. | ||
| How about what happened with GM? With these fucking cars? | ||
| Yeah, they just cover it up. | ||
| Sam Tripoli was on the podcast and he was talking about it in sort of vague terms. | ||
| He didn't know the whole story. | ||
| And I believe him. | ||
| I didn't believe him. | ||
| Like, you had that wrong. | ||
| They don't do that, dude. | ||
| I was convinced. | ||
| And then you looked it up. | ||
| And I looked it up. | ||
| It would have saved them a dollar a car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| A dollar a car. | ||
| And they're willing to risk someone else's life over a dollar a car. | ||
| It would cost them a dollar a car. | ||
| So it would save them a dollar per car to let this happen. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| It's like you think you're better than that, but it's like organizations, when they go unchecked, they'll just become that. | ||
| They'll just become that horrible thing. | ||
| You need repercussions. | ||
| What kind of car do you drive, Ari? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Don't tell people. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was a Honda for a long time. | ||
| You're free now, right? | ||
| Free of that now. | ||
| Are you Ubering around and shit? | ||
| Uber and some. | ||
| Bar and Renazisi's car today. | ||
| Bar and Renazisi's car. | ||
| That's a good friend. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Bar and Renazisi's car. | ||
| He's got a second one here for his wife. | ||
| His wife's not here. | ||
| You've been lifting? | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Uber's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uber. | |
| Uber's great. | ||
| Uber, to me, is a perfect example of why the free market exists. | ||
| Where it's like, cabs are assholes. | ||
| They don't pick up black people. | ||
| They fucking yell at you and demand that you pay fucking cash instead of credit card, even though that's not the rules. | ||
| They just smell. | ||
| And then you're like, well, guess what? | ||
| A new organization pops up from that. | ||
| Those guys have downtime in between gigs sometimes. | ||
| Limo drivers. | ||
| That's why Uber works so well. | ||
| And then there's UberX, which uses Priuses. | ||
| They take people around in Priuses. | ||
| UberX is the best. | ||
| UberX is just comedians. | ||
| You have to have a job to do that? | ||
| How do you work for UberX? | ||
| You just pretty much turn on the app. | ||
| If you've signed up, whenever you're ready, go ready to work. | ||
| Here's what I asked them once. | ||
| Do you have to get checked out? | ||
| Do they register? | ||
| Do they know who you are? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know they're not paying people's insurance. | ||
| I know they're not paying their driver's insurance. | ||
| If a driver crashes, it's on that driver. | ||
| They have to get special insurance. | ||
| I think they've gone through some checks, but I don't think they're that crazy checks. | ||
| I had talked about how I thought that somebody was going to get murdered and kidnapped. | ||
| Here's the check. | ||
| Here's the check. | ||
| It's the rating system. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you get bad ratings, if you drive all over, people won't take you. | ||
| Yeah, I got a guy in New York who asked me to give him a rating. | ||
| He asked me to rate him on a very nice guy. | ||
| So you could help me if you did that. | ||
| Yeah, but if you murder and kill somebody, you just take their phone and give yourself five stars. | ||
| That's a great point. | ||
| That's a great point. | ||
| Then he just never does a rating. | ||
| Someone's going to fight for their life on a password-protected phone. | ||
| That'll be your demise. | ||
| It's weird, though. | ||
| You would know who they are. | ||
| You would know who they are. | ||
| They'd come to pick you up. | ||
| Only if you have an iPhone that's new. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| No, they would know in the system they came to pick you up. | ||
| You don't kill the other ones. | ||
| What about the Android users? | ||
| No, they have the thumbprints now. | ||
| Thumbprints don't work on the Android phones. | ||
| They don't really start the phone up that good. | ||
| There's one on the fucking big silver one. | ||
| Moto X. No, not the Moto X. What's the other one? | ||
| HTC One Mega or whatever it is. | ||
| They have a fingerprint thing in the back. | ||
| Thinking of getting off my data plan. | ||
| Oh, look at you. | ||
| You're a gangster. | ||
| Just like no data plan. | ||
| They do Galaxy S5 too. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| It's addiction. | ||
| Oh, you're addicted. | ||
| Too much time spent checking social media and emails. | ||
| But I'm like, I can get to that later. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what. | ||
| I was on vacation for a few days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Felt good, right? | |
| Did you get off it? | ||
| Occasionally I got on Twitter to send out messages. | ||
| You know, like something funny. | ||
| I saw a picture. | ||
| I saw a deer walking around. | ||
| Took a picture of this guy walking around. | ||
| Because the deer gave zero fucks. | ||
| Just walking towards me. | ||
| And so I took a picture of him. | ||
| Because I was just amazed that this deer was so used to being around people. | ||
| He was just walking around. | ||
| But other than that, I didn't really go online. | ||
| Didn't really read too much. | ||
| Just chilled. | ||
| Relaxed. | ||
| Great feeling. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Shut your phone off. | ||
| Don't check my email during the day. | ||
| Look at people a little bit. | ||
| Hang out with people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I see it on elevators. | ||
| As soon as the elevator... | ||
| Everyone takes it off. | ||
| And like, no one's even... | ||
| Not that we need to make friends all the time. | ||
| But keep your eyes up. | ||
| Just like... | ||
| Both are good. | ||
| It's good to have a phone. | ||
| Because it's good to be able to get information quickly. | ||
| I want to go to a movie. | ||
| Let's find out what's playing. | ||
| But you have to have discipline with that. | ||
| Yeah, and if I don't, then it's like, I don't know if, you know, I'll tell other people, look it up on your phone. | ||
| Do you think technology in doing that, like if you look at that trend, the trend of being constantly connected to your phone, being afraid to leave your phone behind, do you think that technology, if you sort of extrapolate, like where is that going, that didn't exist before? | ||
| Do you think that technology is drawing us in to become completely committed to machines? | ||
| Yeah, Borg-ish. | ||
| Dude, Duncan just got back from this virtual reality conference, and he fucking called me up, tripping out. | ||
| Tripping out. | ||
| Tripped me out. | ||
| On LSD. No, no, no. | ||
| He was completely sober. | ||
| I was in front of the improv, and we're talking on the phone. | ||
| He goes, dude, you're not gonna fucking believe this, man. | ||
| He goes, this is bigger than the invention of the camera. | ||
| This is bigger than the invention of the internet. | ||
| He goes, you go into a room, and there's a man in the room playing piano. | ||
| You have these virtual reality goggles on. | ||
| You put them on and he goes, and it's almost indistinguishable. | ||
| He goes, you're watching a movie. | ||
| He goes, it's HD and it's a film and it's playing out in front of you in three dimensions. | ||
| The way they make this film is they put cameras all over a person's body and then they film as this guy's walking around. | ||
| So as you move this headset that you're wearing, it picks up all the appropriate angles from all the different cameras and it's seamless. | ||
| He said the first one, if you got that Oculus Rift, the first one, Yeah, I played that at his place. | ||
| Very pixelated, but still fascinating, right? | ||
| Made you nauseous. | ||
| That's gone. | ||
| He said, that's gone. | ||
| Gotten way better, right? | ||
| But the nauseous is still there. | ||
| He said, I'm sure. | ||
| But like a new prescription on my glasses that you get nauseous for like half a day. | ||
| Those people are called pussies! | ||
| The fucking, the change is here. | ||
| But Duncan was freaking the fuck out. | ||
| It didn't give me nausea. | ||
| It kind of, I could see where it would happen. | ||
| Doug Benson had made him sick. | ||
| I think it was, I don't know. | ||
| Do you get sick when you read in a car? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| I get really sick when I read in a car. | ||
| I've gotten like where I've rolled down the window, I'm like, I'm not going to make it. | ||
| You have to breathe out fresh air. | ||
| Well, I'm like, I am gonna fucking, I can't swallow quick enough. | ||
| Especially if it's a curvy road. | ||
| Because you don't know where the turns are coming, so it's like, it goes against where you know where it's going. | ||
| For me, it's just reading. | ||
| It's just, it does not even, it has to be curvy. | ||
| If I'm reading in a car, if I try to read a book or a newspaper in a car, I get sick. | ||
| But nothing, that's the only time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Get on a bus or train easier. | ||
| I got sick flying in an FAA-18 when I flew with the Blue Angels. | ||
| I tried super hard, but I got sick at the end. | ||
| You barfed. | ||
| Did a little puking. | ||
| What's the term, I got sick, to mean barf? | ||
| Yeah, I know, right? | ||
| I didn't ever hear it like that, and then I heard it in books that way. | ||
| How about the term, I got my eye on you? | ||
| I had my eye on her. | ||
| Like, she had her eye on you. | ||
| Dude, she's got her eye on you. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like if a girl's got the hots for you, hey Ari, she's got her eye on you. | ||
| She's looking at you. | ||
| But what is that fucking, some ancient fucking medieval shit? | ||
| Throw your eyes. | ||
| She has her eye on you. | ||
| Eye of Newt is part of a spell. | ||
| Back when people talked really weird, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that the only thing that's lacking in cell phones and stuff is the, it hasn't gotten caught up by the etiquette yet. | ||
| So people are now starting to be like, hey, it's dinner. | ||
| Put your phone away. | ||
| That is nice when people do that. | ||
| And people are also starting to really get into retro shit. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| People are really into record players now. | ||
| And a lot of people are into old cars. | ||
| Three more minutes. | ||
| We're going to turn into a pumpkin in three minutes. | ||
| Oh, I've got to tell you this thing. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Tell it quick. | ||
| So in Shanghai, they have these noodles. | ||
| Street noodles. | ||
| They also have street meat, which is delicious. | ||
| There's expose, which I did not eat any street noodles. | ||
| This is the way they got their oil to cook the noodles. | ||
| They would. | ||
| Brian, I sent you the link. | ||
| Do you think you have another podcast in you right now? | ||
| Do you have another like hour and a half or so? | ||
| Hour maybe. | ||
| Let's do another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| We'll just end this bitch. | ||
| We'll do another one for an hour. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I got nowhere to go. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| My kids are asleep. | ||
| This episode of the podcast was brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| Go to squarespace.com and use the code word Joe. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Did I say it right? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so. | |
| Yeah, they all have different ones. | ||
| 10% off. | ||
| Free trial and 10% off. | ||
| Thanks also to NatureBox. | ||
| Go to NatureBox.com forward slash Rogan and save 50% off your first box. | ||
| Awesome food too. | ||
| I really love it a lot. | ||
| NatureBox.com forward slash Rogan. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And go to Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| We'll be back tomorrow with the guy from... | ||
| Oh, this is going to be really interesting for you, Brian. | ||
| You're going to love this. | ||
| The guy from Unbox Therapy. | ||
| Unboxed. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a great YouTube channel. | ||
| And it's all about technology. | ||
| It's all about new shit. | ||
| So going in line with what we're talking about. | ||
| We'll find out about Oculus Rifts and all kinds of other shit! | ||
| And we have a show tomorrow night. | ||
| Oh shit, we got a show tomorrow night at the Ice House. | ||
| Dom Irera and Joey Diaz are in the big room. | ||
| And then there's another show that we're doing in the little room. | ||
| And maybe we'll get people back and forth from over there too if they want to do extra sets. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons, Sarah Tiana, Tony Hinchcliffe, and myself and you. | ||
| And what about Christina P? Jesus Christ! | ||
| She had to jump out. | ||
| She's on some new thing. | ||
| Fitzsimmons, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sarah Tiana, you and me. | ||
| God damn it, son! | ||
| What a great fucking show! | ||
| Alright, Ari Shafir on Twitter. | ||
| A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. If you're listening to only this part of the podcast, you're allowed to do that. | ||
| But we're going to continue in about two seconds. |
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