June 27, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:29:04
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| That's right, bitches. | ||
| Round two. | ||
| We make choices like that. | ||
| If we were on a network, we would never just say, hey, can we do another hour? | ||
| Yeah, let's do another fucking hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How should we end this shit? | ||
| This episode, this episodeette, we'll call it an episodeette, is brought to you by Ting. | ||
| Ting, which is a mobile service. | ||
| When are they going to stop calling them? | ||
| They were trying to decide that recently. | ||
| Like, why do people still call them cell phones and mobile phones? | ||
| It's not cellular. | ||
| They're all smart, though. | ||
| But mobile means, like, we can move it with it, right? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But it's so smart, it's not just mobile. | ||
| All phones are mobile now. | ||
| But if you have an iPhone, it's more than just... | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not just mobile. | ||
| If you have an iPhone 5, that's not just a mobile phone. | ||
| That motherfucker has a computer in your pocket. | ||
| You can take pictures, make videos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what do you think we should call it? | ||
| Better name than a smartphone. | ||
| Some of the people in charge of names. | ||
| Come up with a better name, bitch. | ||
| Do your fucking job. | ||
| The point is, Ting has phones for sale, folks. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| They use the Sprint backbone and they rent time on it and then give you the same service that you would get if you had Sprint, but at a very reasonable rate. | ||
| How reasonable? | ||
| I'm glad you asked, Ari Shafir. | ||
| How reasonable are we talking about? | ||
| 98% of people would save money with Ting. | ||
| That's a lot of goddamn people. | ||
| That's almost like saying everybody. | ||
| 98%? | ||
| There's just two fucking weirdos that somehow or another have strange data usage and they wouldn't save money. | ||
| Ting has, the way Ting is set up is you only pay for what you use, which I think is what the whole world is going to have to do in the future. | ||
| Because just like you used to have to pay for long distance if you called your friend in New York, you remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit's out the window now. | ||
| They had to abandon it. | ||
| Candidly, still got that. | ||
| Canada still has that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a joke that didn't work. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, really? | |
| A homeless guy asking about his cell phone and saying it's not long distance. | ||
| I'm like, wait, it's never long distance. | ||
| And in Canada, I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They also have socialized medicine. | ||
| You gotta take the good with the bad. | ||
| Pros and cons, son. | ||
| Pros and cons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what they do is they only charge you for what you use. | ||
| So, because of that, like, you don't have, like, a lot of people, they'll have a plan, 100 minutes, or whatever the hell it is. | ||
| A lot of times you use way less than that, especially with phone calls. | ||
| Who the fuck makes phone calls anymore? | ||
| Or probably way less phone calls than you would just a few years ago because people text so much. | ||
| But you oftentimes don't use all your minutes, but you don't get credit for those. | ||
| And Ting used to do that. | ||
| They used to give you credit. | ||
| But now they said, you know what? | ||
| We've got a better way to do this. | ||
| Just pay for what you fucking use. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| No early termination fees. | ||
| No cancellation fees. | ||
| Pay for what you use. | ||
| Yeah, you didn't use it while you were paying for it. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's what I'm saying! | |
| Why don't you have to guess ahead of time? | ||
| It's in the game of spades. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ! | ||
| Someone get it right! | ||
| They also have the best Android phones that you could buy. | ||
| All the cool ones. | ||
| All the fascinating new gadgets. | ||
| They have the Samsung Galaxy S3. They have that Moto Max that we were talking about. | ||
| They have that LG G Flex Samsung Galaxy S5. Galaxy Note 3 is what I meant to say. | ||
| And that HTC, the HTC One, the M8, which is pretty fucking slick. | ||
| A lot of really cool shit. | ||
| All the best and most groovy new cell phones. | ||
| And if you use rogan.ting.com, you can save yourself $25 off any new phone. | ||
| Rogan.ting.com. | ||
| Alright, Ari Shafir is here. | ||
| This is what we call a... | ||
| Podcastette. | ||
| Podcastette. | ||
| So we will do an abbreviated version of the commercials. | ||
| This, by the way, is the size of most people's whole podcast. | ||
| Fuck them! | ||
| Fuck those people! | ||
| Cue the music on, Jamie! | ||
| The 209, bro. | ||
| This is what happens when Brian's not here. | ||
| The whole place goes to shit. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| All night. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're doing now. | ||
| You train and then the night comes and you stop training. | ||
| Get it right. | ||
| Get it right. | ||
| Are you ready? | ||
| Did you get it right? | ||
|
unidentified
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The sound is all fucked up. | |
| Oh, you're a mess. | ||
| But can the folks hear us? | ||
|
unidentified
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They can hear you. | |
| Okay. | ||
| We don't need that music. | ||
| We already had the music once today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We probably... | ||
| We got greedy. | ||
| Tried to double music it. | ||
|
unidentified
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You can't do that. | |
| It's not a two for Tuesday. | ||
| R. Shafir has so many stories about China. | ||
| We talked about so many other things besides the stories about China. | ||
| We decided we have to keep going. | ||
| So you were about to tell some crazy noodle story. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So they had these street meat, which is great. | ||
| And this is Shanghai? | ||
| That's me. | ||
|
unidentified
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What was that? | |
| I knocked into this table. | ||
| That sounds like a fucking truck fell over outside. | ||
| Yeah, Shanghai. | ||
| But they were like, be careful. | ||
| The meat's great. | ||
| There's kebabs. | ||
| You pick it up, they roast it, give it back to you. | ||
| Say 0.32, whatever it is. | ||
| For how much money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can get by with gesturing. | ||
| I learned hello and thank you. | ||
| Those are the only words I really knew. | ||
| Ni hao and shashar. | ||
| You know how I know that? | ||
| What? | ||
| Ni hao kailan. | ||
| It's a show my kids watch. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Kailan. | ||
| Ni hao kailan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Ni hao. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I can learn stuff from TV. Sha-sha. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's what you say? | ||
| Sha-sha? | ||
| Sha-sha. | ||
| It's like thank you. | ||
| Ah, okay. | ||
| It's also used some other way, but I don't know. | ||
| So how do you... | ||
| Gesturing. | ||
| I got sick of gesturing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Except a couple times I would be about to go into a noodle store or something, like a shop, and I'd have to call my friend. | ||
| They gave me burner phones, which was nice, that I could use. | ||
| And I was like, hey, how do you say noodles and how do you say beef? | ||
| And they would tell me both words and I would just go in. | ||
| I'd be like, what was it? | ||
| I forget now. | ||
| Mian is noodles and... | ||
| One of the guys from the Matrix movie is the word for beef. | ||
| Who's the black guy from the Matrix? | ||
| Morpheus? | ||
| No, okay. | ||
| What's the main guy from the, what was his name? | ||
| Neo? | ||
| Neo, yeah. | ||
| That's how you say beef? | ||
| Neo. | ||
| Neo. | ||
| And what's the other one? | ||
| What's the noodles? | ||
| Mian. | ||
| Meow, mien. | ||
| Did you say mien, meow, or meow, meow? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I said that, and then they point to the fucking menu. | ||
| There's 18 things. | ||
| I'm like, lady, come on! | ||
| You can see me struggling with... | ||
| If I'm foreign, and I come in, I go, beef? | ||
| Noodle? | ||
| Just pick something for him. | ||
| Just pick something. | ||
| Listen to who's saying this. | ||
| The amazing racist is saying this. | ||
| Where if you would be like, learn the language! | ||
| You fucks! | ||
| Those are parody sketches. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| Of course, it doesn't really feel that way, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The comments on those are the best parts of them. | ||
| So many people got so angry at you for those. | ||
| The comments are the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fools. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fools! | |
| They just argue back and forth. | ||
| It still goes. | ||
| Angry. | ||
| Angry fuckheads. | ||
| So the noodles. | ||
| So they have these noodles, these street noodles you can get. | ||
| And I was advised the first day, like, you don't want those. | ||
| And why? | ||
| Show me this video that I can send you right now. | ||
| You can put up. | ||
| But they are... | ||
| Here, put your email here and then just send it to me. | ||
| You can just send it to yourself. | ||
| So to get the oil, what they would do is they would go to the sewer. | ||
| They would take raw sewage out of the sewer and then boil it down the way they'd make wax, hash wax. | ||
| They'd boil off the sewage and whatever was left, that's cooking oil that they would use. | ||
| It's super fucking harmful. | ||
| And then sell to like a lot of the street noodle guys. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, that face is what I made. | ||
| That same face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They were cooking with sewer oil, bro. | ||
| It was going around. | ||
| So it's not common, but it was possible. | ||
| So it's not like that's the only way they do it. | ||
| No, but the street places were like, you run a risk here. | ||
| It's cheaper oil. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And they're just getting it from that source. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| China's food production up close. | ||
| Give me some gutter oil? | ||
| The making of gutter oil. | ||
| Give me some volume, Jamie. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's all in a day's work for this woman. | |
| She opens up a manhole cover and scoops out as much slop as she can, delighted by what she finds. | ||
| What others might view as revolting, she sees as a bonanza. | ||
| She works in the streets of the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen, a foot soldier in China's so-called gutter oil industry. | ||
| I seriously almost threw the slops out. | ||
| I just gagged. | ||
|
unidentified
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People are awful. | |
| People are just awful. | ||
|
unidentified
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She's scooping out That slop eventually winds up in a processing plant like this one, where it's combined with other animal fat refuse to create recycled cooking oil. | |
| Workers put the oil in barrels for delivery to restaurants at hotels. | ||
| Somebody call Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| How can you eat this? | ||
|
unidentified
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If you eat it, it can kill you. | |
| Cooking oil has long been a cherished commodity in China, where stir frying in a wok is the mainstay of daily meal preparation. | ||
| The high profit margins from gutter oil production have proven irresistible. | ||
| Chinese experts estimate that one-tenth of China's cooking oil is gutter oil, which has been found to contain carcinogens and other toxins. | ||
| Gee, you think? | ||
| Shit, water's bad for you. | ||
|
unidentified
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Breaking news. | |
| Illegal production sites are often discovered after people living nearby notice a nauseating stench and alert the authorities. | ||
| That's where they're cooking your food in. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's pretty much all the good parts. | |
| Look at these guys fake destroying it. | ||
| Chopping out a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
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We're barely swinging at it. | |
| But many consumers doubt that China's dinner tables can be completely free of gutter oil. | ||
| All we can do is accept it. | ||
| In our current society, everybody tries to swindle everybody else. | ||
| There's nothing we can do about it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, that's disgusting. | |
| What? | ||
| That takes disgusting to a whole new level. | ||
| I have never almost grown up. | ||
| When you're pouring it from the bucket and you hear the... | ||
| Go get that sound bite. | ||
| No! | ||
| Dude, I almost threw up. | ||
| I had a look away. | ||
| That's the first time I've ever had a look away on a show. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
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Nice. | |
| Yeah, that's amazing. | ||
| Because you knew where it's headed to someone's food. | ||
| Dude, I almost threw up watching that. | ||
| So I did not have any of the street noodles. | ||
| I did have a lot of noodles, though. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Street noodles. | ||
| Motherfucker, man. | ||
| But you might have had some gutter oil. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I absolutely might have had some. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| I would like to know if you had gutter oil. | ||
| I've got to assume when I see that, when it said where it was, I'm like, I probably had some gutter oil. | ||
| I would like to know. | ||
| How do you think we could find out? | ||
| My friend who was there said, he was like, yeah, I mean, I ate it for a little while. | ||
| You know, I got a kick of eating it. | ||
| This was way before the expose came out. | ||
| He goes, I had a lot of diarrhea. | ||
|
unidentified
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Ha! | |
| I mean, it was a lot. | ||
| Because you're eating shit. | ||
| Because you're eating someone else's shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jesus Christ! | |
| We boil it. | ||
| We put a flame under it. | ||
| It's not good enough. | ||
| You know what China is to me? | ||
| What? | ||
| When you see the worst case scenarios about China. | ||
| Did you ever see that HBO documentary about them selling bait? | ||
| I think it was HBO. They were selling children. | ||
| Guys were selling their two-year-old children. | ||
| This one boy was screaming because his dad sold his brother away. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Deep, dark shit. | ||
| And they were interviewing the guy who sold his kid. | ||
| And he was like, look, I didn't have any money. | ||
| I had a kid. | ||
| I had to sell the kid. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really fucked up. | ||
| I mean, really fucked up. | ||
| But to me, when I see stuff like that, when I see that guy that was saying that people swindle people, when you see the whole gutter oil thing, it's like humanity, if shit gets bad, if people are in a bad spot, people go real bad. | ||
| They go real bad. | ||
| They can part metalize. | ||
| They don't think, I'm not concerned with who gets this. | ||
| They just don't think about it. | ||
| I'm sure it's okay. | ||
| That lady was telling me, I bought a house. | ||
| You bought a house by feeding people shit. | ||
| How much shit did you have to shovel to get your house? | ||
| And you have to continue shoveling shit in order to pay for that house. | ||
| I assume they have mortgages over there. | ||
| Do they have mortgages? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know what they do. | |
| She's not buying a house with cash, like showing up. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| Big fucking stack of paper. | ||
| Dude, that's insane. | ||
| That was pretty gross. | ||
| That's beyond gross. | ||
| I almost threw up on a podcast. | ||
| I've never done that before. | ||
| That plopping sound. | ||
| Dude, I hosted Fear Factor for six years. | ||
| I've seen some shit. | ||
| I'm not a regular person in that regard. | ||
| I've seen more disgusting shit than almost any other person who's a comedian. | ||
| Yeah, up close and personal. | ||
| Right there, and helped people get through eating things. | ||
| And you got nauseous from that. | ||
| And I got nauseous from that. | ||
|
unidentified
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I could smell the shit as she was scooping it up. | |
| That sound made it so descriptive. | ||
| Yeah, the... | ||
| Really, I got that weird tingle in my throat. | ||
| I know what you mean. | ||
| I didn't think I could control it. | ||
| Oh, that's horrible. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty bad. | ||
| Brian Callen told me he was in China, and they were at a restaurant, and the restaurant had pigs underneath the restaurant. | ||
| Just running around? | ||
| Yeah, they were like in containers underneath the restaurant. | ||
| And then they realized, his mom asked, and realized that when you shit, the shit was going down to where the pigs were. | ||
| The pigs were eating your shit. | ||
| You're human shit. | ||
| Oh, gross. | ||
| And then you're being served that. | ||
| And then you're eating the pigs. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| You think? | ||
| I mean, and they're doing it old school style. | ||
| You're shitting in a hole. | ||
| You're squatting like you were talking about in the first podcast before this one. | ||
| An old podcast we did. | ||
| Yeah, we did another podcast a couple hours ago. | ||
| Ari was talking about how you go into these bathrooms and there's a hole in the ground. | ||
| That's your toilet. | ||
| So underneath that hole, pigs. | ||
|
unidentified
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Just... | |
| Just waiting to get a shit in their mouth. | ||
| You really get a impression, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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So fucking gross. | |
| But again, that's what happens when people just, when it goes bad. | ||
| Play that noise again, Jamie. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Just play that noise alone. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Just that part. | ||
| Just cue it up in case we need it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, hurl. | |
| Just cue it up in case we need it. | ||
| It sounds like we do need it. | ||
| That plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. | ||
| They said the hashish in Hong Kong was cut with up to 25%. | ||
| Gutter oil? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Shoe polish. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's too high a percentage for me. | ||
| But there was some California weed there. | ||
| 25% shoe polish. | ||
| Up to. | ||
| Up to. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Just because they wanted to make it bigger. | ||
| Make more. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| That's so gross. | ||
| It kind of looks like shoe polish. | ||
| Yeah, it does, so you can't really tell. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, man, it's fucking me up. | ||
| Like, yeah, it's not good weed. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| It's just fucking you up. | ||
| What does hash cut with shoe polish smell like? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| It's got to have a turpentine-y sort of a smell to it. | ||
| You know that smell? | ||
| You know those cans? | ||
| You'd open up your grandpa's shoe polish and you'd smell it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was like those little circular cans. | ||
| Does turpentine keep it moist or something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm saying turpentine. | ||
| Yeah, the circular ones. | ||
|
unidentified
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I know. | |
| We used to do that. | ||
| We used to shine our Shabbat shoes with those. | ||
| Yeah, spit. | ||
| Spit on a rug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just rub it on there. | ||
| We had those brushes, too. | ||
| Or you can use an old schmata. | ||
| You see those guys at the airport now? | ||
| Shoe shiners. | ||
| Shoe shine guys. | ||
| But you never see those anywhere else. | ||
| It's the airport and that's it. | ||
| They come around businesses sometimes. | ||
| In New York. | ||
| In D.C. too. | ||
| This guy used to come to our law firm. | ||
| He would go to each business once a week. | ||
| Have you ever seen one in L.A. at a business? | ||
| I mean, there must be some. | ||
| When am I in a business? | ||
| When are you in a business? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| In an office building. | ||
| Whenever you're in your fucking apartment, you're in a business. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about being a comic. | ||
| Yeah, I got some technically in my business right now. | ||
| You're in the business of writing fucked up things down that will eventually become jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a business. | ||
| It might not be your business, but it's a fucking business. | ||
| Yeah, get into bed, turn the heat on. | ||
| It's business. | ||
| I'm going to beat off on myself and watch cartoons. | ||
| Bring my computer with me. | ||
| Research. | ||
| This is right off time. | ||
| I'm hoping that in watching all this porn, I can come up with a joke about me watching all this porn. | ||
| And if not, so be it. | ||
| Tough shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's the beautiful thing about being a comic. | ||
| Anything you're interested in, like anything you pursue online, could potentially be a bit. | ||
| All research. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, literally anything. | ||
| Any idea that you read online that you find fascinating, you can find, if it strikes you, you can find a comic angle to it. | ||
| Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Exactly, anything you care about, enough to look at. | ||
| And it's almost like today we're spoiled because every day there's some new ridiculous story that goes on that could be like an awesome bit and they just keep flying by. | ||
| They keep coming at you. | ||
| It's too many of them. | ||
| They keep coming at you. | ||
| And they're like, oh no, guys, don't forget about the story because I'm already doing a bit about it. | ||
| Well, even if people forget about it, you can reinvigorate the idea, but the idea is that you forget about them, because there's so many of them. | ||
| There's another one that comes by. | ||
| I'm constantly retweeting things where I'm like, what? | ||
| Like I'll retweet it and go, I gotta write a bit about that, but it just goes by the wayside. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Because it's just too much shit. | ||
| There's so much. | ||
| If you look online, like, if you have a bunch of good Twitter feeds that you follow, you'll find some of the most ridiculous articles and stories. | ||
| A guy got caught. | ||
|
unidentified
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What? | |
| A fucking American tourist got caught in a giant vagina statue in Germany. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They had to rescue him. | ||
| I saw the billboard for that. | ||
| Another billboard. | ||
| Preview? | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
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Headline, just the one word, the top of the website. | |
| U.S. student is rescued from a giant vagina sculpture in Germany. | ||
| You find it on my Twitter feed there. | ||
| Dude, they laugh at us at how stupid we are. | ||
| We're dumb as fuck. | ||
| They laugh at us. | ||
| Look at this fucking giant vagina. | ||
| Oh, he went in there? | ||
| Yeah, he's got his legs trapped in there. | ||
| Fucking idiot. | ||
| The fireman had to come and get him out. | ||
| Where did he step in and then couldn't? | ||
| They should have just hacked his legs off with an axe. | ||
| They should have came over. | ||
| Left the leg in there. | ||
| just grab the axe and he would have figured out a way to get out. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Work harder. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm sorry. | |
| I called 911. | ||
| You fuck. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
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I called 911. | |
| Chop. Hack. Chop. Chop. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| Just let me try to get my right leg out. | ||
| No. Chop. Chop. | ||
| My right leg's not even stuck though. | ||
| Let me just. | ||
|
unidentified
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Shut up. | |
| Chop. Chop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The vagina sculpture for me. | ||
| First of all, why do you have a vagina sculpture in Germany, you fucking weirdos? | ||
| Like, what is that about? | ||
| Come on, Germany. | ||
| What an odd choice to have a fucking vagina sculpture. | ||
| Outside. | ||
| But meanwhile, vaginas are fucking super important. | ||
| And they're inviting. | ||
| Yeah, if it wasn't for vaginas, there'd really be no people. | ||
| Of course they're supposed to get inside it. | ||
| But isn't that funny that for whatever reason, like, it's a bad thing to have a vagina sculpture? | ||
| Taboo. | ||
| You can have a sculpture of a woman's face. | ||
| Yeah, that's okay. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| No controversy. | ||
| No controversy. | ||
| Shoulders, shoulders, up to shoulders like this. | ||
| Showing the boob off. | ||
| Nah, boobs get tricky. | ||
| People like to cover those. | ||
| They like to cover the boobs. | ||
| But as long as the boobs are colored and you're an angel, that's okay. | ||
| Oh, if you're an angel, forget about it. | ||
| You need a thing like that in your town square. | ||
| But a vagina? | ||
| We're not like that. | ||
| It looks like a vagina, too. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| If you scroll down, Jamie, there's a picture of this fucking poor slob with his goofy glasses. | ||
| Yeah, the headline was that poor slob gets stuck in a statue. | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| Vagina statue. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Did you find the image? | ||
| I found more photos of it. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| This fucking crazy bitch got so far down and so stuffed into this thing that he couldn't move his legs. | ||
| Like, they had to figure out how to get him out of that thing. | ||
| Don't play that. | ||
| Just go to photos, because this is the kind of shit that gets us kicked off of YouTube. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Look at this fuck. | ||
| There's another one with his face. | ||
| We should shame him. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So he fell over or something, and then he climbed in like an idiot, and his legs got smushed. | |
| He got stuck. | ||
| Or it's a gag. | ||
| It could be a stunt. | ||
| That looks pretty tight in his legs, though. | ||
| It does, but so does a hero. | ||
| You always gotta put everything up. | ||
| Like, it's possible as a stunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Always. | ||
| Looks like it. | ||
| If I had to guess... | ||
| Looks like a stunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 22 firefighters had to pry him open. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| 22 firefighters. | ||
| They probably all jerked off on him to lube it up. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| Imagine if there's only one way to do this. | ||
| We've got to jerk off on you. | ||
| The hard way. | ||
| Lube up your legs. | ||
| That's the only way. | ||
| Lube up his legs. | ||
| Americans, what does it feel like telling people in another country like China that you're American? | ||
| Do they just go, ugh? | ||
| Well, the other... | ||
| Chinese people, you didn't really talk to much. | ||
| You didn't talk to them much? | ||
| Barely. | ||
| Only the ones that spoke English. | ||
| Did you hang out with your Chinese ladies? | ||
| Yeah, I won. | ||
| She was at this bar that I performed at, or right next door in this area. | ||
| I thought she was in my show, but then later I wasn't positive. | ||
| Apparently, they have a thing, according to this guy who posted on the Rogan board. | ||
| What? | ||
| He lives in China. | ||
| What thing? | ||
| They have a thing for people with big noses. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| White men with big noses. | ||
| They go crazy for it. | ||
| Yeah, maybe some people are like that. | ||
| It looks so different to them. | ||
| Yeah, she didn't really talk English at all. | ||
| She knew a couple of words, but then you got a vibe. | ||
| Still a vibe there. | ||
| So you kind of knew. | ||
| Did you feel like you were some crazy foreigner? | ||
| Like some savage from another land? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Tell me more. | ||
| Well, that's the area. | ||
| There's a lot of foreigners there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In that area. | ||
| This guy on the Rogan board was saying... | ||
| I should give the guy credit. | ||
| He was saying that these women... | ||
| You'd have to tell them that you love them. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, but saying that you love... | ||
| Saying that is different. | ||
| Doesn't mean not committing to you forever. | ||
| It just means I love you. | ||
| It doesn't mean what you think it means here. | ||
| People say it all the time. | ||
| Yeah, there were differences like that. | ||
| Yeah, and then he was also saying that when you break up with them, they go fucking crazy. | ||
| He was saying that he had a real problem with that. | ||
| You break up and they go crazy? | ||
| Yeah, like suicidal or murderous. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, his name is Ripple. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| It's a very long thread. | ||
| And it's on the Rogaboard. | ||
| It's actually from July 23rd of 2010. So it's a four-year-old thread. | ||
| And it just recently got bumped up, probably, I mean, maybe because of you being there. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Huh, that's cool. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe I'm wondering. | ||
| But it might just be coincidental. | ||
| But either way, pretty interesting shit. | ||
| This guy talking about his experiences being a white guy in China and just dating chicks. | ||
| He never was into Chinese chicks until he went to China. | ||
| And then he got like super into them. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| You're there all the time. | ||
| I mean, they're not fat. | ||
| They're all real thin. | ||
| Like, too thin, almost. | ||
| Too thin? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of times, like, you gotta have some, like, you know, meat on your bones. | ||
| No butt? | ||
| Is that what you're trying to say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Definitely no butt. | ||
| No, butts were scarce. | ||
| That would be a problem. | ||
| A lot of barbecued chicken claws. | ||
| You know what this guy was saying, though? | ||
| Not enough butts. | ||
| What he calls McTits. | ||
| He said that the Chinese people that lived there that ate McDonald's grew tits. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because of all the hormones they shot into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| He said those were the ones. | ||
| It was like one of his things that they were saying. | ||
| The McTits theory. | ||
| They some have nice B-cups. | ||
| Ah, nice B-cup. | ||
| But, you know, nothing crazy. | ||
| McTits, that's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| That the ones who ate a lot of McDonald's food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's so hilarious. | ||
| It's his McTits theory that the foreigners have formulated over there. | ||
| McTits theory of body type. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| But if they live off McDonald's, they have tits. | ||
| But he was saying that they mistake 40-year-olds for 30-year-olds or younger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I've heard some of them are like... | ||
| They're looking... | ||
| Well, a lot of times they're also like... | ||
| Immigrant workers, when they get off, they're just looking to fuck. | ||
| They're just looking to have a good time. | ||
| I mean, I've never seen anybody party like that. | ||
| On Sundays, they get off, and they have very little rights, but Sundays, they don't work. | ||
| And they just fill up the markets, and they all dance. | ||
| They're all line dancing together by the Bay, drinking. | ||
| Yeah, but like the Chinese music, but absolutely. | ||
| They don't just know their things. | ||
| They party. | ||
| They are free. | ||
| For one day? | ||
| For one day. | ||
| Wow, that's interesting. | ||
| So do you think they're all bottled up and then they get that one day so they just enjoy the fuck out of it? | ||
| They're like, we're going to enjoy this. | ||
| We're going to enjoy our day off. | ||
| No one's taking a staycation. | ||
| Let's all get out there. | ||
| Some comics have days off all the time, and they get super lazy and forget to appreciate those days off. | ||
| You get used to it. | ||
| You know, Eddie Bravo always talks about that. | ||
| Eddie Bravo always talks about learning to appreciate life, that sometimes in the middle of it, it's really difficult to appreciate it, and that you've got to force yourself to really step back and appreciate how awesome this is. | ||
| Yeah, once in a while, I'll get a new comic that'll be like... | ||
| Like, genuinely, like, man, you got your name on the wall at the comedy store. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, yeah, I mean, I guess so. | ||
| Did they take my name down? | ||
| No. | ||
| They don't take names down? | ||
| No, they don't take names down. | ||
| They should. | ||
| There's a lot of names they should take down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's a bunch of fucking names where you go, come on, man. | ||
| That dude's got his name up there. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| If they would take those names down, I wouldn't be mad if they took mine down. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You gotta get off. | ||
| You can take mine down. | ||
| Well, you can take mine down. | ||
| Dom is up there twice. | ||
| Is he really? | ||
| Yeah, they thought he slipped through the cracks and they put him up another time and then he didn't slip through the cracks. | ||
| But that's how late they are about not taking names down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| His name's up twice. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I guess it's up there. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, what if someone did something terrible? | ||
| Like, what about that comic that was like a rapist? | ||
| Remember that comic that was a rapist? | ||
| He was going to colleges. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Name stays up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is his name up there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know if he was a regular at the store. | ||
| I don't think he was a paid regular. | ||
| I would have heard that if he was. | ||
| Somebody would have run into him. | ||
| That's fucked. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| I had his name on the tips of my tongue. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's in jail forever, right? | ||
| He's in jail for a while. | ||
| A lot of rapes. | ||
| A lot of rapes. | ||
| He would say creepy religious shit to them, like, pray for me. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Vince Champ? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Thanks, Tip of Tongue. | ||
| I remember not knowing who that guy was, but the people that did know who that guy was were like, oh, I could see that. | ||
| Adam Richman just got acquitted. | ||
| Adam Richman, the food guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a comic. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Who's Adam Richman? | ||
| It's a comic. | ||
| Scare the shit out of me. | ||
| I don't know why I'm scared of the food guy getting raped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or raping. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| It was something in Minneapolis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Yeah, with a waitress. | ||
| Someone accused him? | ||
| Waitress. | ||
| Who do you believe? | ||
| Well, a lot of people find Adam Richmond annoying, so a lot of the comedy community was like, I can see you, I can see you. | ||
| I'm like, that's not equal to sexual assault. | ||
| Annoying is not the same as sexual assault. | ||
| Right, but isn't annoying a sign of being a clueless fuck, and isn't a clueless fuck a sign of being selfish, and isn't being selfish the type of person? | ||
| Yeah, he's also drunk, and he said he was getting aggressive to the cops. | ||
| He said he was getting a little aggressive, and then they have some 911 audio of him, her going, put your fucking dick away. | ||
| Put your dick away. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| But acquitted. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And what did he do? | ||
| Well, who cares? | ||
| What are we, fucking TMZ? Yeah. | ||
| But... | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| There's a real problem when you have sexual urges, idiots, and alcohol. | ||
| Alcohol adds to it, yeah. | ||
| Adds to it! | ||
| But also being an idiot, you know, you're not a sexual assaulter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wouldn't hold someone down and do something creepy to them if you were drunk. | ||
| One time I was jumping out with Amy Kerfer in college, just a friend, just kissing and stuff. | ||
| And I was like, come on, trying to get in her pants. | ||
| And she goes, no, no. | ||
| Like, kissing was as far as it was going to go. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was like, come on. | ||
| She's like, no, no, come on, stop. | ||
| And then I got up as a joke to lock the door. | ||
| Like, hey, lock the door. | ||
| We're doing this. | ||
| And then as soon as I locked the door, I took one step back. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this seems... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Unlock the door. | ||
| Open it up. | ||
| This seems weird. | ||
| Yeah, it's not even funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we've all been in that situation where a girl's like, no. | ||
| And you're like, please. | ||
| Yeah, but what about please? | ||
| Yeah, but it doesn't work sometimes. | ||
| Some guys are assholes. | ||
| What do you mean it doesn't work sometimes? | ||
| It never works to beg for pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes it does. | |
| You never know. | ||
| Have you ever heard of the sympathy handjob? | ||
| That's the greatest thing of all time. | ||
| When a girl says, okay. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| You're like, yes! | ||
| Finally, we can stop fighting. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Okay, but only put it in my ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| I've been blessed by the gods! | ||
| Yeah, but you add, like, idiocy, sexual urges, and alcohol is a fucking terrible, terrible, terrible combination. | ||
| It's a bad combination. | ||
| But it's everywhere. | ||
| That's the weirdest thing about people. | ||
| It's like the worst combination of drugs to dating is what you get. | ||
| I mean, good in that it's a social lubricant. | ||
| People relax, have a couple drinks, it loosens up the vibe. | ||
| You might get a little loose and silly and have fun and be more likely to fool around. | ||
| But not... | ||
| You know, at a certain point, you gotta realize that that's not everybody. | ||
| It's like we were talking about earlier in the podcast, that I don't know what happens to some people when they drink. | ||
| But I've seen it. | ||
| Yeah, you see it. | ||
| Yeah, you've seen that switch that goes off and they're not there anymore. | ||
| It's not you. | ||
| You don't do that. | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| But we all know guys who do do that. | ||
| Yeah, one of them's got a portrait in the bathroom. | ||
| Yeah, maybe it's one out of ten. | ||
| You know, whatever it is. | ||
| When you see that man, you know that that guy shouldn't be drinking booze around women if he has a sexual urge because it's just going to be a disaster. | ||
| But that's the drug of choice. | ||
| That's what you get. | ||
| You go to a bar, you don't get an option. | ||
| It sucks to be a woman. | ||
| You can take ecstasy. | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine being a chick and dudes are trying to drug you? | ||
| How many girls have you talked to that have been roofied? | ||
| A lot, right? | ||
| Yeah, all the ones I hung out with. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| Well, the ones I roofied, but that doesn't count. | ||
| Those fucking bitches had a coming. | ||
| A lot of them wouldn't drink it. | ||
| So, you know, the stats are all skewed. | ||
| Wasn't Bill Cosby in trouble for some shit like that? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Dr. Cosby? | ||
| Yeah, Bill Cosby. | ||
| Second only to Martin Luther King, an important black man? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Bill Cosby's sexual assault allegations. | ||
| Why doesn't anyone care about the sexual assault allegations against Bill Cosby? | ||
| Those allegations that people agree that when someone's famous enough, we're just not going to care. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Who the fuck knows it's true? | ||
| It also could be just... | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| There was a girl at the comedy store who claimed somebody raped her. | ||
| And one of the door guys. | ||
| And it got really weird for a while. | ||
| Because you don't really know who to believe. | ||
| But at the same time, it's like, this is bad. | ||
| You're not going to come out vehemently on the side of the door guy. | ||
| You might be like, I'm not going to get involved. | ||
| And then a few months later, she accused someone else of raping her. | ||
| And then eight months after that, she accused a third person of raping her. | ||
| I was like, why do you keep hanging out at the rape house? | ||
| I'm starting to believe that maybe none of this happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that was the girl who claimed that Mike Tyson raped her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She had made a false allegation when she was 18 about another guy. | ||
| I feel like, I think you did too. | ||
| Michael Tyson, that wasn't a good conviction. | ||
| He probably did a bunch of bad shit, but in that situation, it seemed like that girl went back up to his room wanting to fuck. | ||
| She took her panty liner off. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I don't want to speculate because I wasn't there. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| But there's a lot of shit going on when you have someone who's got a false allegation. | ||
| It's like, the problem is... | ||
| Those Duke players, they all lost their season. | ||
| It's way worse to rape someone than it is to falsely accuse someone of rape. | ||
| In my opinion, it's worse. | ||
| Because the rape is a violent crime. | ||
| Falsely accusing someone of rape, although horrific, in my idea, my hierarchy of crimes, is slightly lower. | ||
| What if the same amount of violence happened to you because of... | ||
| Then it's the same crime. | ||
| Like if you go to jail and then guys rape you because you didn't really rape a girl. | ||
| If the punishment for rape is a just punishment, if it's like, okay, that's about right, you know, like that eight months for purse snatching, like that's too much. | ||
| Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Thirteen women have accused Bill Cosby of drugging them. | ||
| With what? | ||
| Pudding pops? | ||
| Jello pudding! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Thirteen. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| Where there's smoke, there's thirteen fires. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, who knows what the fuck happened, but, you know, and I don't want to be callous about it. | ||
| I'm just saying who knows because I don't know, but that don't look good. | ||
| Be Callin about it. | ||
| Brian? | ||
| Yeah, go. | ||
| Bill Cosby's cock glistened. | ||
| Understand. | ||
| Glistened in the sun. | ||
| Hawks would land on it. | ||
| That cock comes out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, it just makes its own roofies. | |
| You don't even understand. | ||
| They weren't drugged. | ||
| They were fucked to sleep. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| You're being cowled about it. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That's what he would say, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Joey Dees would probably say a similar thing. | ||
| Bill Cosby ain't drugging any of those bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just gives them that sweet, thick, that candy jello pudding covered pop. | |
| That's not a good amount of, that's not a good number. | ||
| I almost saw him recently. | ||
| 13's a lot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they were telling, everybody keeps telling me you gotta go see him live. | ||
| You gotta go see him live. | ||
| Yeah, to be there for experience of like, it was fun and like childhood-like. | ||
| Well, also they say he's really good. | ||
| People are shitting on his special and people are like, how can you show a special? | ||
| He's a legend. | ||
| Like, because we're not shitting on his legacy. | ||
| We're shitting on this one special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how. | ||
| You can say everything he does is good now? | ||
| He's definitely a good... | ||
| He's definitely a great artist as far as the bulk of his stand-up comedy history. | ||
| He's a million right now. | ||
| He's a great, great comedian for the longest time. | ||
| I didn't watch his new one. | ||
| I watched a little bit of it on Comedy Central and I never got a chance to see it in Vegas. | ||
| I was with too many people. | ||
| I was too scared. | ||
| Scared to go see it live? | ||
| No, to watch the Comedy Central thing. | ||
| Because you'd hate it? | ||
| I've got enough respect for him. | ||
| I don't need to watch it. | ||
| Yeah, but do you have more or less respect for him if you drug 14 chicks? | ||
| That seems like if his special sucks, that's not nearly as disappointing. | ||
| It's like, you've got to be more honest on stage. | ||
| If that's what you're going to really do, you've got to deal with that from your act. | ||
| Could you imagine if he's like this squeaky clean guy, but he's really doing just dirty, drugging chicks and Like that Price is Right guy? | ||
| Not Price is Right. | ||
| What show was that? | ||
| Family Feud. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| The Hi-8 cameras. | ||
| Wasn't that movie Hi-8? | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Hogan's Heroes. | ||
| Yeah, Hogan's Heroes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The other guy who was on Hogan's Heroes was the host of Family Feud. | ||
| Oh, went on to it. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Survey says! | ||
| The British guy? | ||
| Brad Combs, yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Before him. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| The British guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I remember that guy. | ||
| He was the original guy. | ||
| Yeah, he was the original guy. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who the fuck was that? | ||
| I don't know who his name is. | ||
| What was that dude's name, Jamie? | ||
| Richard Dawson. | ||
| He would always kiss the fucking ladies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| He was in Hogan's Heroes. | ||
| That's why he kissed the ladies, because he was so fucking a horndog. | ||
| That's evidence from that movie. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Richard Dawson. | ||
| He's a British POW. Yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Slinging dick with that fucking beautiful vest on. | ||
| I got a suit made with a three-piece like that. | ||
| I saw. | ||
| I saw you. | ||
| I retweeted it. | ||
| Your pimp-ass photos from... | ||
| No, I retweeted you poking Bruce Lee in the dick. | ||
| Yeah, that one got the most, like, favorites I've ever gotten. | ||
| I retweeted that. | ||
| What were you doing to his dick? | ||
| Doing karate on him? | ||
| Yeah, and I just, like, angled it. | ||
| So I was, like, right in his dick. | ||
| That's in Hong Kong? | ||
| That was in Hong Kong. | ||
| Is he, like, the biggest star to ever come out of Hong Kong? | ||
| International? | ||
| I gotta believe so. | ||
| Imagine the other Chinese dudes like, what the fuck do I have to do? | ||
| This doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Two guys ever. | ||
| Jet Li and him. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Oh, Jackie Chan. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Three guys. | ||
| I invented tables. | ||
| I can't get a fucking footnote. | ||
| Oh, look at you. | ||
| Ballin'. | ||
| Yeah, those guys made it. | ||
| How long did that take? | ||
| You go once, they measure you. | ||
| You pick out a fabric, they measure you. | ||
| Rhodes told me about it. | ||
| They love him. | ||
| His headshot's on the wall there. | ||
| That's hilarious! | ||
| That guy's been there for 30 years, Rocky, the guy on the left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Your left or his? | ||
| Yeah, that guy. | ||
| The guy in the blue shirt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rocky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 30 years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| Looks like he's 80. He's like 60-something. | ||
| So he's been there since he was 30. Yeah. | ||
| His son's there. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that other guy has been doing tailoring for like 45 years. | ||
| Yeah, they pick out a fabric, they measure you, and then you come back the next day to measure it on your body, see what they've got to take in and stuff, and then you come back a couple days later, pick up your suit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what they did for me for the UFC. Oh, the UFC finally told you, like, we're going to do this for you? | |
| Yeah, they gave up on me. | ||
| Handmade suit? | ||
| They just made it for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Great. | ||
| It won't fit better than that. | ||
| It's kind of tight. | ||
| It is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I stopped wearing the jacket. | ||
| The jacket was too much. | ||
| They don't make them for chimpanzees. | ||
| They make them for regular people. | ||
| You can get it made for your fucking garbage can body type. | ||
| Garbage can? | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| The jacket doesn't work. | ||
| The clothes work fine, although they're a little tight. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's like a stretchy fabric, so it doesn't feel bad that it's tight. | ||
| It moves real good. | ||
| But, you know... | ||
| There's like a slim look that people wear these days. | ||
| Slim, trimmed sort of clothes. | ||
| I pass those people in the lower east side. | ||
| I'm like, God damn it, you look good! | ||
| And there's suits like with the one button and like, fuck, black man and like fucking cool suits. | ||
| Like, Jesus. | ||
| Slick suits. | ||
| Chicks do that shit. | ||
| Walking around with those stupid shoes on. | ||
| They like it. | ||
| Oh yeah, those stupid shoes. | ||
| Uncomfortable, slippery shoes. | ||
| Oh, those are so ridiculous. | ||
| They try to get me to wear those. | ||
| Slippery shoes? | ||
| I'm like, bitch. | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| You're never going to film my feet. | ||
| I should wear sneakers. | ||
| You should wear ratty Chuck Taylors. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I should, but occasionally they see my feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I don't think I can show you from the bottom up. | ||
| It looks like I'm trying too hard. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, if you're a comedian, you wear Chuck Taylors with a nice suit. | ||
| Jordan Rubin. | ||
| But it's like you're being a comedian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You're trying too hard. | ||
| You're like, look, I'm wacky! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a wacky guy! | |
| I had a meeting with a dude once. | ||
| There was a time... | ||
| I don't know if I told you the story. | ||
| There was a time where they were giving out development deals like fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Left and right. | |
| Left and right. | ||
| Mad money. | ||
| Mad money. | ||
| For comedians and, more importantly, for writers. | ||
| And this one guy was a writer. | ||
| He was a writer on, like, Friends. | ||
| And he got a crazy deal. | ||
| I think it was Michael Eisner's company. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Remember when he had some company? | ||
| Huge amount of money and an office. | ||
| And they say, we got you for two years. | ||
| Give us some ideas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so I had a development deal with Fox at the time. | ||
| So they wanted me to meet with this cat. | ||
| So I met with this guy to work on a sitcom. | ||
| This was post-news radio. | ||
| Right after news radio ended, I got this development deal. | ||
| When you're done with this, you've got to tell another story. | ||
| So I go, tell another story? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You're going to tell me what it is? | ||
| You're writing it down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| So I go... | ||
| You freaked me out. | ||
| What was I talking about? | ||
| You got this development deal? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Okay, so I go in this guy's office. | ||
| And they gave him this giant fucking development deal. | ||
| They're telling me how amazing he is. | ||
| One of the writers on Friends. | ||
| This guy's incredible. | ||
| Turns out he was actually a partner of a funny guy. | ||
| And he was the guy who would write shit down. | ||
| And there was like a two-guy team. | ||
| And this guy got a development deal. | ||
| But he was horrible. | ||
| So I go in to meet with him and he's wearing bowling shoes. | ||
| And I look down and I see those bowling shoes. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Does that work? | ||
| Oh, he's a wacky guy who wears bowling shoes because he's silly. | ||
| Don't you get it? | ||
| So this guy's talking to me about plots and this and that, and I'm looking at his bowling shoes. | ||
| You silly, silly motherfucker. | ||
| And I got out of there, and Sussman said the same thing to me. | ||
| He goes, you see his shoes? | ||
| He goes, he's wearing bowling shoes. | ||
| And I go, yeah, what's up with that? | ||
| He goes, he wants you to think he's wacky. | ||
| Like, who likes wacky? | ||
| Because I'm a wacky guy! | ||
| Because he was thinking that's how you become a funny guy. | ||
| You've got to walk around with bowling shoes on. | ||
| The script that he wrote was such a massive hunk of shit. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| It was about an immortal guy. | ||
| An immortal guy who banged chicks. | ||
| He got cursed in Egypt and banged chicks through the end of time to the future and had all these sexual dilemmas. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| It was so, it didn't make any sense. | ||
| It was like you would read it and you would go, who could have thought this was funny? | ||
| I was in the office with the Fox people when they brought it to me and, you know, they have this, like, did you read it? | ||
| So we have this meeting. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| Did you read it? | ||
| And they go, yeah. | ||
| I go, I fucking told you. | ||
| Like, I told you. | ||
| And they're like, well, I mean, it's important. | ||
| What he's really good at is story structure. | ||
| I go, what the fuck do you mean by that? | ||
| You just said nonsense. | ||
| What he's really good at is story structure. | ||
| On a sitcom? | ||
| The idea is that, like, maybe you comedians know how to make things laugh, make people laugh. | ||
| But what you don't know is how to structure a story. | ||
| Nobody really cares about the structure of the story. | ||
| But when they say stuff like that, like story structure, you know what? | ||
| They're just saying words that sound right. | ||
| You probably won't know what this means, so I'll just say it so you won't argue with me. | ||
| Well, there's guys who know how to write movies or books that are really good at story structure. | ||
| Yeah, the guys who write 24. Yeah. | ||
| That's hard as shit. | ||
| Hard as shit. | ||
| Really good at structuring stories. | ||
| They spend a ton of time on it. | ||
| But a sitcom is about being funny. | ||
| Stories are important, but funny stories are... | ||
| Like, Larry David was the master of that. | ||
| Because he knew how to make a funny, thorough through line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Funny, funny. | |
| It's funny, the idea itself is hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I went out for an audition for some part, I told you this, but I read it, you know, some best friend character, and the casting director was like, okay, that was good, my only note, you didn't do any of the lines. | ||
| You told me this. | ||
| I was like, oh yeah, those lines are terrible. | ||
| I cannot do those. | ||
| I was supposed to go out for that same role. | ||
| Yeah, that's hilarious. | ||
| I read it and I was like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| They're making a big push through the comedian community. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It got to me and I was like, because I'm not completely out of the loop. | ||
| I don't audition for things. | ||
| I don't want to act. | ||
| I don't have any desire. | ||
| So when it comes to me, it's coming to me completely out of the blue. | ||
| I don't put myself out in that world. | ||
| The only person I've ever acted with is Kevin James because we're friends in the last decade plus. | ||
| So, I was like, well, maybe it's just really good. | ||
| And you read it, and it's like, it ain't good. | ||
| And then I heard what you did, and I was like, that's how to handle it. | ||
| I asked my manager, like, hey, I said yes before I read it. | ||
| So now, can I just fuck around and have fun, or should I just not go? | ||
| Like, how do you want me to handle it? | ||
| I don't want to get you in trouble with the casting director. | ||
| She goes, Ari, I'm never going to tell you not to do what you want to do. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good agent. | |
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| That's a good agent. | ||
| Yeah, but that's how they make a piece of shit sitcom. | ||
| You always wonder how you take a funny guy and make a fucking terrible sitcom with him. | ||
| Hook him up with some shitty writer who just whips it out in a week, who doesn't care about it at all. | ||
| Some dickhead wearing bowling shoes, thinking he's wacky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Well, that's the beautiful thing about being a comic, about detaching yourself from that ridiculous system. | ||
| Like, for the longest time, we were all taught that we had to get a sitcom. | ||
| You have to get a sitcom. | ||
| Put together an act. | ||
| Get your seven minutes together. | ||
| Even if you just want to go on the road, that's the only way you're going to go on the road and have a draw. | ||
| Put a sitcom together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the thing, man. | ||
| We always were taught that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then suddenly you're like, I just lost faith in television. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I stopped even caring. | ||
| It was like a girl you're trying to fuck all the time. | ||
| She doesn't want to fuck you. | ||
| After a while, it's like, I'm not even mad at you. | ||
| You're irrelevant. | ||
| I just stopped thinking about you. | ||
| Well, one thing that I owe Dane Cook. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that Dane Cook inspired me to use social media more. | ||
| You could do this without the TV, the approval of some guy. | ||
| Well, he inspired me to use social media in a promotion way. | ||
| I never used it before, but I saw the results that he got, which were insanely good. | ||
| Myspace, he crushed it. | ||
| I mean, he got results from performances, for sure. | ||
| But he also got results because of the fact that he had so many Myspace friends. | ||
| Yeah, he capitalized on those results of the shows. | ||
| He capitalized so hard on them. | ||
| Yeah, fascinating. | ||
| Completely fascinating. | ||
| So that got me really into MySpace, which got me really into Twitter, which got me... | ||
| I'd always had a message board, but that's also when Brian and I started working together and he started creating videos and that also. | ||
| Oh yeah, message board was nice, but it's not the same. | ||
| It's reaching out to everybody. | ||
| Yeah, it's not the same. | ||
| The message board is very exclusive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're right. | |
| It shouldn't say exclusive, but limited. | ||
| But once you see he showed the way a little bit where it's like, guys, we don't need them anymore. | ||
| We can do some of it on our own. | ||
| He was the first guy to break through. | ||
| And when I saw it, I was looking at what he created by breaking through like that. | ||
| And then I started seeing. | ||
| I was like, ooh, there's going to come a point in time. | ||
| Maybe it's now. | ||
| Maybe it's in the future. | ||
| All that's going to matter is how many people you can connect with online. | ||
| Like, whatever you can create that people, whether it's one of those videos that Brian used to do, or whether it's a blog entry, or whether it's a stand-up comedy clip, or whether it's a podcast, which didn't even exist back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By the way, I have a podcast called... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| The Skeptic Tank! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, suck it! | |
| Everyone should check it out. | ||
| It's pretty fun. | ||
| But that was one of the things that led us to doing those Justin.tv, those Justin.tv things. | ||
| Oh yeah, those were the first kind of podcasts we did. | ||
| Turned on the green room. | ||
| We used to do these, I used to have a thing that connected to my laptop that would stream the internet from a cell phone. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh really? | |
| Oh yeah, we didn't have Wi-Fi in the Cobbs green room. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| It was when cell phone data was first starting to make its way to laptops with these little USB things. | ||
| And then they started making some ThinkPads and some certain laptops that had cellular connections built into them. | ||
| So they had a Wi-Fi cellular data. | ||
| Like I have an iPad that's a Verizon iPad. | ||
| It's synced up to Verizon. | ||
| So even if there's no No wifi, I can still get on. | ||
| I can still look at websites and shit like that. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| Yeah, that's nice. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice. | ||
| It's way better than trying to look at something on your phone. | ||
| You can look at it on your iPad. | ||
| It's like a real website. | ||
| But back then, when we were in that room and we were streaming it from that little clunky USB thing that would stick in there, that all started out because of Dane Cook. | ||
| He wasn't doing that at the time. | ||
| He wasn't doing that, but he did something online that I thought was extraordinary. | ||
| I tell comics too, when they're like, everyone's got a podcast, it's not going to be big. | ||
| It might not be big. | ||
| And it almost definitely won't. | ||
| But keep doing things to move forward. | ||
| You'll get a couple fans. | ||
| It's not going to make you massive. | ||
| It could easily be big if it's good. | ||
| The beautiful thing about podcasts is that it's about merit. | ||
| Like look at Joey Diaz. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| Joey Diaz is not famous for anything other than being awesome. | ||
| It all came from him being awesome. | ||
| It didn't come from movies. | ||
| It didn't come from TV shows. | ||
| It didn't come from anything else. | ||
| And he did a lot of those things. | ||
| He did all those things. | ||
| Joey Diaz got famous from doing podcasts, from people realizing what a funny fucking guy he is. | ||
| Just from being awesome. | ||
| And that wasn't available, man. | ||
| When Dane Cook popped out of the scene, that was when I first became aware, like, whoa, the internet isn't just for looking at stuff, it's for putting stuff out. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You don't need anybody's approval anymore. | ||
| They don't need shit! | ||
| Give it to your fans, give it to whoever. | ||
| They can't take that back. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| And the way we use it is very unique, too. | ||
| Because we all support each other, and we tweet each other shit, and we pump each other up. | ||
| We do shows together, like you, me, Duncan Diaz, Red Band, Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Everybody's all connected in this little thing. | ||
| And because of that, because of that connection, it makes for an even bigger force, an even bigger impact. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, Tripoli's fucking CD was number two on iTunes, man. | ||
| That was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was great. | |
| He was so happy. | ||
| He was so happy. | ||
| Took the gun out of his mouth for like a week and a half. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Like a whole week and a half. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're happy for him. | ||
| He's super happy. | ||
| And also, he sees the light at the end of the tunnel. | ||
| You know, when something like that happens. | ||
| Okay, I can get a little bit of like... | ||
| Fucking headline all over the place on the road now. | ||
| He did Edmonton. | ||
| We did Edmonton the week before. | ||
| He did the River Creek Casino with me. | ||
| And then he went back and packed that comedy club the next week. | ||
| Yeah, I was wondering that the first couple times I did it with you where it wasn't like the next week, but it was like within some time. | ||
| And I'm like, well, let's call the club owner and make sure they're okay with it because we already had this thing booked, you know. | ||
| But then a couple of them are like, yeah, it's okay. | ||
| And then you realize you're telling way more people. | ||
| And so a lot of people will just come back. | ||
| And you're going to kill in front of those 2,000 people at the River Cree and they're going to tell them, oh, we went to see this guy, Ari Shafir. | ||
| Holy shit, was he funny. | ||
| Oh my God, he's at the comedy club next week. | ||
| At a club, if you get 30 people extra a show, they're like, thank you so much. | ||
| Here's some extra money. | ||
| Yeah, they're so happy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a club like that that consistently gets- Edmonton's a good room. | ||
| Good people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Brian Callen was there. | ||
| We were on the plane and Adam Hunter was there. | ||
| Adam Hunter was there. | ||
| Yeah, I was going up to Edmonton a couple of weeks ago and I ran into Hunter on a plane. | ||
| Oh, that was for the hunting? | ||
| Yeah, the hunting thing. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Yeah, and Hunter was up there doing that comedy club. | ||
| Callen was there the week before. | ||
| The Hunter was up there? | ||
| No, Adam Hunter. | ||
| Oh, oh, oh. | ||
| I had him under the comedian. | ||
| I was like, you just got the hunter to do it. | ||
| I had him through five minutes. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good club. | ||
| I've heard it's a great club. | ||
| That's owned by the same people who talked me out of jail time at Mall of America. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They talked you out of it? | ||
| They got you... | ||
| Yeah, when I did the Hide the Edible there. | ||
| So they allegedly... | ||
| Wasn't really hide the edible, it was fake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| We're not on trial. | ||
| Dude, this is the internet. | ||
| The government, man. | ||
| I'm concerned. | ||
| I'm concerned about the future. | ||
| I had a conversation with someone about this today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone who was talking about medical marijuana and marijuana being legal in Colorado and, you know, because I was just in Colorado. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Legal. | |
| Someone popped around and it's in the Rockies game until the fourth inning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Woo! | ||
| Amazing, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that incredible? | ||
| So what did he say? | ||
| Worried about 2016. Why? | ||
| Because of a couple things. | ||
| The conversation went like this. | ||
| We were talking about all this shit that's going down in Iraq. | ||
| And I said that if Iraq gets really ugly and things start happening, like really bad, and then someone blames Obama and they blame Democrats and they blame weakness. | ||
| Oh, I see it switching over this time. | ||
| People are dissatisfied with Obama so Hillary doesn't have a chance. | ||
| Then it could go Jeb Bush style. | ||
| And then it could go John Ashcroft style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real bad. | |
| And then, that same type of thinking, it's like Chris Christie style, that tries to like, medical marijuana will never be legal in my state, marijuana will never be legal in my state, children are losing, they're dying out there, their fucking brains are rotting, their feet are exploding, inside their shoes, their dicks are falling off. | ||
| These guys, they're all like in that sort of vein. | ||
| When a Chris Christie in 2014 is spreading disinformation, he's a guy who's... | ||
| What is he disinformation... | ||
| Crazy shit about cannabis and the effects on the human brain. | ||
| I heard Nancy Grace has been super into pot for the last six months. | ||
| Has she been? | ||
| Yeah, she likes doing pot. | ||
| She smokes it constantly. | ||
| Just making it up? | ||
| Yeah, but maybe. | ||
| She might. | ||
| She's probably lighting up. | ||
| She probably realizes she's got to get out of that business. | ||
| It's bad karma. | ||
| She's in the business today. | ||
| She keeps talking about the crime spree in Denver. | ||
| The crime spree is here. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| The crime spree is here. | ||
| It's made its way to Florida. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Directly proportionally. | ||
| This guy that I had this conversation with, the conversation was worried about what happens in 2016. Because if 2016 snaps over and becomes super Republican, you know, things sort of go in and out. | ||
| You have pendulums. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, look, they had the 60s. | ||
| He's worried what will happen if we go super Republican? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You had the 60s, and then you had the 70s, and then you had the 80s, which was Nancy Reagan, just say no. | ||
| I mean, that's all within two decades. | ||
| This is your brain on drugs. | ||
| Remember all that shit? | ||
| Seems like when it snaps back, too, it snaps back harder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hard. | |
| They don't go moderates. | ||
| They go, like, hard. | ||
| And then people are like, that's what they want. | ||
| They go, super hard Democrat. | ||
| They go, super, and then eventually one of them will just win. | ||
| Or the aliens land. | ||
| We're going to power to outlaw the other one. | ||
| We'll burn the Reichstag. | ||
| It'll be over. | ||
| Or the aliens attack. | ||
| The aliens land. | ||
| And then we realize. | ||
| Remember when Ronald Reagan said that? | ||
| What? | ||
| You never remember that? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Ronald Reagan gave the speech that all the wacky UFO dudes always point to as evidence that the alien invasion is imminent. | ||
| It was Ronald Reagan talking about how quickly we would abandon our differences if we faced a threat from an alien world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when he said it, people were like, what the fuck did you just say? | ||
| Like, it is an interesting way. | ||
| There's no way he would say that other than if there was aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sort of. | |
| He was putting things into perspective. | ||
| I mean, it is kind of, we would realize that we are citizens of the world if we were facing a threat from another world. | ||
| It would be us versus them. | ||
| The ultimate us versus them. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Earthlings. | ||
| Pull that up, Jamie, because it's quite fascinating. | ||
| Gene Roddenberry's view of the world later was like, Earth comes together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it's a French region, but that's it. | ||
| Listen to this, though. | ||
| It'll freak you out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perhaps we need some outside universal threat. | |
| I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world. | ||
| And yet, I ask you, is not an alien force already among us? | ||
| What could be more alien to the universal aspirations of our peoples than war and the threat of war? | ||
| That's a great goddamn speech, by the way. | ||
| You know, Ronald Reagan was an old fuck, and he died confused and selling arms to Iran and allegedly forgetting about it. | ||
| He's one of the good Republicans, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Depends on who you ask. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| Back then he wasn't loved. | ||
| I remember when I was a kid, when Ronald Reagan was president, people fucking hated him. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| They hated him, especially towards the end. | ||
| They hate all the guys, all the presidents. | ||
| Jimmy Tingle? | ||
| Do you know who Jimmy Tingle is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jimmy Tingle. | ||
| Oh, yeah, the political comic? | ||
| Political comic. | ||
| And back then in Boston, he was just starting to become political. | ||
| He was on a tape of like, expose at the comedy store. | ||
| Not expose, but just like new comics. | ||
| Here's a show, new comedy night. | ||
| And Doug Benson was on it. | ||
| Just eating it. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| I mean, he was just starting. | ||
| He was just starting. | ||
| How many days have you been into comedy? | ||
| Had he been in? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He must have just moved. | ||
| Less than a year. | ||
| Less than a year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was on tape? | ||
| Yeah, and then you've got Arsenio Hall because he's watching with Mitzi in the back. | ||
| He goes, sometimes you just, I forget what he said, Mike Long's like, you just don't got it. | ||
| Go home. | ||
| Go home. | ||
| He said that about Doug Benson? | ||
| Well, they cut it to make it seem like that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Wow, that's dark. | ||
| It was pretty funny. | ||
| But Jimmy Tingle had the best job. | ||
| 2020, that was 2020. It was on 2020? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was it about? | ||
| The Comedy Store. | ||
| Oh, it was just on the Comedy Store. | ||
| And how Mitzi Pats's people. | ||
| And Doug Benson was up there bombing on 2020? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, he recovered. | ||
| He recovered nicely. | ||
| He recovered very well. | ||
| He did very well. | ||
| But Jimmy Tingle was on there, too. | ||
| That's an example of someone who's a little bit more. | ||
| I would have eaten a plate of shit up there, too. | ||
| You would have jumped at the chance to be on 2020, though. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Jumped at the chance and ate a fat pile of shit. | ||
| Fat pile. | ||
| Jimmy Tingle had this great joke about when... | ||
| Ronald Reagan got in trouble for that. | ||
| He was testifying in front of Congress. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they said, you know, did you sell arms to Iran? | ||
| And he was like, I do not recall. | ||
| That was the best way of not lying. | ||
| Yeah, and Tingle goes, Mr. President, when you sell arms to people who hate us, jot it down. | ||
| He goes, write a note. | ||
| Put it on your refrigerator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like in that heavy Boston accent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| It's really funny. | ||
| There's Jimmy Tingle. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| He's got 1,536 tweets. | ||
| He's following 11,000 people. | ||
| More people should follow him. | ||
| He's a funny fucking guy. | ||
| He's got more followers than followers. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Oh, here's what I could tell you to say. | ||
| Tell the story of how you got that first development deal. | ||
| What Sussman did. | ||
| Sussman's a wizard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a development deal to do an offer to do a show on MTV. And how much was that offer, Joe? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't really remember the money. | ||
| The story I heard, I think I remember it being like $500. | ||
| It wasn't much. | ||
| Or it's like a technical amount. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It wasn't much. | ||
| It was somewhere around that. | ||
| It wasn't much at all. | ||
| It was like they give you money for a week to do this pilot. | ||
| It was really cheap. | ||
| And then if you did that pilot, you were locked up for years. | ||
| You're locked up for some long-term contract. | ||
| So Sussman... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Decided to take my tape and then he was send it out to all these different development companies. | ||
| I love this. | ||
| Like, you know, NBC and CBS. Well, he's just a wizard when it comes to planning shit. | ||
| So he sent this thing out and said, hey, this guy's about to sign a development deal for MTV. If you want to do something with him, you got to act now. | ||
| So you create like this demand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hype. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then all of a sudden my phone was ringing off the hook. | ||
| I had to leave my apartment. | ||
| I couldn't stay in my house because people were calling me. | ||
| They were saying they were going to send a flight out for me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're going to fly out of LA tonight and meet us in LA. Wow. | ||
| Or fly out of New York tonight, meet us in LA in the morning. | ||
| And we have a 10 a.m. | ||
| morning meeting with this guy at this executive, this fucking network, this fucking thing. | ||
| It was craziness, right? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I talked to Sussman. | ||
| Sussman goes, don't answer the phone. | ||
| Just go to the pool hall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll call you there. | |
| I didn't even have a cell phone back then. | ||
| No one had cell phones. | ||
| This is 1993, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I take off. | ||
| I go to the pool hall. | ||
| Within two days, it had just gotten completely crazy. | ||
| And then I think a couple days after that, I had a development deal with Disney. | ||
| Disney won out. | ||
| And the next thing you know, I was fucking flying out there and talking to these guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Flying to L.A. and talking to these people, Gary Valentine stayed in my hotel room with me because Gary was out here huffing, and Kevin James had just won Last Comic Standing. | ||
| Kevin James had won Last Comic Standing. | ||
| Not Last Comic Standing, excuse me. | ||
| Star Search. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Kevin won Star Search, so it was like a big deal. | ||
| He definitely won a few rounds, whatever it was. | ||
| Maybe he won it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He was really good. | ||
| Kevin James is a very underrated comic. | ||
| Very underrated stand-up. | ||
| At the time, he was killing it, man. | ||
| He was killing it. | ||
| He doesn't do it much anymore because he does a lot of movies. | ||
| He does a lot of movies. | ||
| But anyway, I got $150,000. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| What? | ||
| $150,000? | ||
| $150,000? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| $150,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I went from being broke To $150,000. | |
| It was the craziest thing ever. | ||
| And then from then... | ||
| He just used their ability to not be able to decide for themselves. | ||
| Like, oh, somebody else likes you? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Well, he was also pissed off because the executives at MTV, they had this idea. | ||
| And the idea was that they had created stars. | ||
| So they did it with Dennis Leary and Dennis Leary left. | ||
| And so they're like, we're not going to do that again. | ||
| We create stars. | ||
| If you come with us, it'll make you famous. | ||
| We don't have to pay you. | ||
| So they didn't want to pay much money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They still do that. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's still their thing. | ||
| It's like, no, no, we make stars. | ||
| It's like, sometimes. | ||
| Not anymore, you know. | ||
| The shows you remember. | ||
| Listen, that fucking boat has sailed. | ||
| That boat is gone. | ||
| It's not in the harbor. | ||
| You can't even see it on the horizon. | ||
| That's a joke. | ||
| There's a million fucking cable channels now. | ||
| The idea that your one network is valuable is preposterous. | ||
| Back then, it was valuable because there weren't that many fucking channels. | ||
| There was no history channel, discovery channel, sci-fi, Spike TV. All that shit didn't exist. | ||
| So MTV... Fucking Netflix now, where there's Xbox that's starting their own channel. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| DirecTV has their own shows. | ||
| Back then, it was like MTV had remote control, and MTV created Jenny McCarthy. | ||
| Remote. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And they created Chris Hardwick. | ||
| A lot of people forget that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| With that Jenny McCarthy show. | ||
| He was the fucking guy. | ||
| He was on it with... | ||
| And for the longest time, Jenny McCarthy was a famous one, and Chris Hardwick was the one that nobody knew who the fuck he was, and he vanished. | ||
| Wow, now he's humongous. | ||
| Now Chris Hardwick is bawling because of the podcast world. | ||
| He took over the podcast world. | ||
| And the nerds. | ||
| That's Chris Hardwick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With Jenny McCarthy and some chick who's got a nice ass. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Carmen Electra. | |
| Carmen Electra. | ||
| Pow! | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| That's a booty for the ages. | ||
| Carmen Electra was on that show? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Look at Chris Hardwick there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is all when I was an open mic-er. | ||
| This shit was going on. | ||
| He had a good joke when we were in open mics together. | ||
| When he was still drinking. | ||
| This weekend I learned something. | ||
| At a wedding. | ||
| It's never okay to spill beer on a baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| It's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| What was that other show? | ||
| MTV Remote Control. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah, Remote Control. | ||
| That made Colin Quinn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Adam Sandler. | ||
| It didn't really, though. | ||
| It made Adam Sandler. | ||
| Colin Quinn, people didn't know who he was. | ||
| It didn't even really make them. | ||
| It got them known to be on Silent Night Live. | ||
| It got them a little fame. | ||
| Where's Ken Ober? | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| Did he do remote control? | ||
| Oh, he died. | ||
| Oh, congratulations. | ||
| He died in 2009. Damn. | ||
| Fucking Verizon will not turn on my internet service. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| In New York. | ||
| He's 52. Complaining of headaches, chronic chest pain, flu-like symptoms. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Heart attack? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| That's fucked. | ||
| Look at Colin Quinn there. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Where is he? | ||
| On the far right. | ||
| Who's the guy laying down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably a contestant, maybe. | |
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Remote Control. | ||
| That was another big MTV show. | ||
| And it was supposed to be taking place in Ken Ober's basement. | ||
| The idea was that his parents had a basement and he always wanted to have his own show, so he put his show together. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had a show with the chick from the Brady Bunch. | ||
| It was a talk show called Ober and Olsen. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dennis Leary was on Remote Control, too. | ||
| That's what launched him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then MTV started doing these things with him. | ||
| All these little promo clips. | ||
| Hilarious promo clips. | ||
| Yeah, a little rant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's sort of what made him. | ||
| Yeah, I remember those. | ||
| Showtime special, whatever it was. | ||
| Showtime, HBO, whatever the fuck is special. | ||
| Look at that fucking now. | ||
| Adam Sandler. | ||
| Look at the girl's hair behind him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's like from his show, that 80s show, The Wedding Singer. | ||
| God damn, the 80s were weird. | ||
| That is so weird. | ||
| Look at the 80s, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What year was this shit? | ||
| 1989, I think. | ||
| 1987. Don't guess, son. | ||
| You're in front of a fucking computer. | ||
| 1989, I think. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm looking at a picture. | |
| Don't guess. | ||
| Don't guess. | ||
| Always look. | ||
| It was in syndication, 89 to 90. Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It ran for five seasons from 87 to 1990. They had five seasons in three years? | ||
| I don't know how you do that. | ||
| MTV seasons? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| MTV's first original non-musical program. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| New episodes were made for first-run syndication. | ||
| How do you convince an executive, like, hey, I want to do something on your network that you just don't do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They don't do any music. | ||
| Break it up a little bit. | ||
| The people that I talked to that were over there, they wanted to break it up a bit. | ||
| Oh, you know who it also made? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Carrie Werrer. | ||
| You remember her? | ||
| Carrie Werrer. | ||
| She is still hot. | ||
| She's 47. Well, that picture hasn't aged. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at the picture. | ||
| That's her now? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's her from back then. | ||
| But if you see, there's a picture of her now on Wikipedia. | ||
| She's cute. | ||
| She's still hot. | ||
| She's got that sexy milf thing going on. | ||
| Kapow kapow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that her now? | |
| That's her today? | ||
| Damn, still in shape. | ||
| Still in shape. | ||
| Powerful character. | ||
| Were her? | ||
| I was on Politically Incorrect with her. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Way back in the day, like in 1990-something, I think. | ||
| I think it was like, I want to say it was the Fear Factor days, but it might have been before that. | ||
| It might have been the news radio days. | ||
| I'm not even sure. | ||
| I know I was on at least once. | ||
| Yeah, there's Carrie... | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Carrie... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't even know who she is. | |
| I don't remember her at all. | ||
| She's hot as fuck, dude. | ||
| Look at you back in the news radio days. | ||
| Sexy as fuck. | ||
| Full head of hair. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| Almost full. | ||
| Starting to go. | ||
| It was one of those kind of shirts, too. | ||
| I love those big... | ||
| Over the elbow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little bit of color. | ||
| That, I think, was the news radio days. | ||
| And then after that was the... | ||
| I did it again on Fear Factor. | ||
| Oh, that shirt? | ||
| No, no, no, no, that show. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Politically Incorrect. | ||
| That was before he got in trouble. | ||
| Remember he got in trouble for saying that we're cowards for fucking launching this? | ||
| That's why I lost respect for him. | ||
| Why'd you lose respect for him? | ||
| Not for that. | ||
| Because he didn't stand up for it? | ||
| No, because when I saw him this first show on HBO afterwards, he like cursed and he goes, this is why we wanted to come here. | ||
| This is why we wanted to get off network and come here. | ||
| I was like, bitch, you got thrown off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Quit pretending like you were responsible for that. | ||
| You begged for your job back. | ||
| Dude, he's a rebel. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Do you not know he's a rebel? | ||
| He's a reverend. | ||
| That's what I like about him the most. | ||
| He's a reverend. | ||
| Dude, he's a rebel. | ||
| Fucking Verizon made me wait three times all day long for goddamn technicians who never showed up. | ||
| What does that have to do with Carrie Warwick? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I just keep thinking about it. | ||
| You're all angry, bro. | ||
| I'm supposed to come on Saturday. | ||
| Verizon? | ||
| Verizon Internet. | ||
| Are you fucking, you're really angry at them right now? | ||
| Yeah, it's the worst. | ||
| And you call them, you're like, I get so angry at the customer service. | ||
| I know they're not to blame, but it's like, fucking, what time are they going to be? | ||
| Stop saying you're sorry! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it! | |
| It's an insult! | ||
| Ugh! | ||
| Three days I've given up. | ||
| Just waiting there for people to don't show up. | ||
| I still really guarantee you to be on by 5pm today. | ||
| You're very upset. | ||
| Dude, you know how you go to someone's page and you know them on Twitter but they don't follow you and you get sad? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why I just went to Carrie Werwer's page. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But I'm not following her. | ||
| You just remembered her for the first time in 20 years. | ||
| Listen, easy. | ||
| I'm trying to be nice. | ||
| Are you looking at her recent pics? | ||
| No, I just followed her on Twitter. | ||
| Put up her recent pics. | ||
| Put them up? | ||
| This is pretty, man. | ||
| Yeah, let me see. | ||
| She's hanging in there. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I saw a TV show the other day and Wonder Woman was on it. | ||
| Oh, you can't put them up? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Linda Carter. | ||
| How is she? | ||
| Time's a motherfucker. | ||
| Time is such a motherfucker. | ||
| Linda Picard? | ||
| Time, time, time. | ||
| See what's become of me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look what's become of her. | ||
| You ever see that chick? | ||
| Oh, the Bengals girl? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not so good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| She's actually still pretty. | ||
| For whatever reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hoff? | |
| I associated her with Grace Slick from Jefferson Starship. | ||
| The tall black lady? | ||
| No, that's Grace Jones. | ||
| That was the one who dated Dolph Lundgren. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She didn't date Flavor Flav. | ||
| No, Flavor Flav was the girl who used to be married to Sylvester Stallone. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| Brigitte Nielsen, yeah. | ||
| She was the one who dated Flavor Flav. | ||
| You're confusing everybody, man. | ||
| I barely know you actors. | ||
| I barely fucking know you. | ||
| That's your legacy. | ||
| Grace Slick was the lead singer of Jefferson's Starship. | ||
| I need to get a lot of those mixed up. | ||
| Gray Slick was hot at one point in time. | ||
| Time's a motherfucker, dude. | ||
| Time doesn't wait. | ||
| Time gives no fucks. | ||
| Time keeps swinging. | ||
| Even if you're down, time kicks you. | ||
| Let's wrap it up, but this is a comeback to the beginning. | ||
| It was cool being at that Forbidden City and the Great Wall of China and touching these walls. | ||
| You're like, this has been here for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, what did that feel like? | ||
| It just was this cool connection to the past. | ||
| I mean, it's not real, but just imagine this, like, emperors have been by here and touched this. | ||
| How about the Mongols? | ||
| They built it to fucking fight off the steppe people. | ||
| That's what they did. | ||
| They built it to separate. | ||
| Imagine walking through the forest, trudging and marching through the forest, up and down mountains, these mountainy forests, and then you're getting not even close to their land, and then all of a sudden you're like, what? | ||
| The giant wall? | ||
| That you can see from space. | ||
| How do we get the horses up there? | ||
| I'll go around. | ||
| You march three miles. | ||
| Guys, do we even know which way is the end of this? | ||
| There's no end. | ||
| How long is that wall? | ||
| Look at you, you sexy bitch with no shirt holding the fucking Chinese flag. | ||
| Respect! | ||
| I love taking my shirt off there. | ||
| They do this thing all Chinese bikini. | ||
| They just tuck this up. | ||
| The men walk around like that. | ||
| Why did you like taking your shirt off? | ||
| I love taking my shirt off. | ||
| Well, I know. | ||
| Got a little sun in me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright, keep your clothes on. | ||
| Don't get wear with me here. | ||
| Yeah, I walked out to the top pots where people like stop walking and then this one guy's like, you go another this many kilometers, that's like Tower 23, that's as far as you can go. | ||
| And I was like, I guess I'm doing it. | ||
| So you walked all the way to the end. | ||
| It was so hot and so humid and so many steps, irregular shaped steps. | ||
| It was so hard. | ||
| How long is the Great Wall? | ||
| What is the total distance? | ||
| Dude, we got up somewhere. | ||
| We got up somewhere near the toboggan to get down. | ||
| Okay, let's find out. | ||
| But yeah, it's the only man-made object viewable from space. | ||
| The Great Wall of China. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| 5,500 miles. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| 5,000 what? | ||
| 5,500 miles? | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Longer than the United States of America. | ||
| It goes up and gets windy too. | ||
| It goes up and over things. | ||
| Is that really right? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What kind of undertaking was that? | ||
| That's like some pyramid level shit, right? | ||
| How many deaths? | ||
| You really think about it. | ||
| It's 8,850 kilometers, which is 5,000. | ||
| And it's not just a straight up wall. | ||
| There's ways to stand it. | ||
| There's elements that you can stick your arrow through and fire down without getting shot. | ||
| It's all built well. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I didn't know it was that long. | ||
| It goes on forever. | ||
| I figured it was like 100 miles. | ||
| That's what I thought in my head. | ||
| I was like, eh, 100 miles. | ||
| That seems like long enough. | ||
| That's the not-so-great wall. | ||
| That's a wall. | ||
| Look how far it goes. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| We're looking at a map right now. | ||
| It's Greater Great Wall. | ||
| That's what it says? | ||
| Is that what it says? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A Greater Great Wall. | ||
| Extended sections. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're making it bigger. | |
| What? | ||
| Why would they keep building a wall? | ||
| They do this a lot, where they go, we're going to redo all this stuff. | ||
| We're going to upkeep it. | ||
| And they just replace the wood. | ||
| They replace the stuff. | ||
| They're just like, as if someone was still living here, we're just going to keep it going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's weird. | ||
| And it shows date built, and then date renovated will be like 45 years ago. | ||
| Right, but why would they extend it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Make it more of a... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is it a tourist trap? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| They're extending it for... | ||
| More tourist traps? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went outside Beijing... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Why else would they do that? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Did you know that South Korea was smooshed up against China like that? | ||
| Where's... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Right over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeez. | |
| That's an insane... | ||
| Look, it's so much bigger than Korea. | ||
| It's fucking huge! | ||
| I can't believe the wall was that big. | ||
| Maybe they just hate Pink Floyd. | ||
| It's like, don't tell me. | ||
| No, I'll build it up. | ||
| I'll build it up. | ||
| Even years after this is relevant as a defense force. | ||
| Keep building, fuck you. | ||
| Did you ever see the renovations they're doing to the Sphinx? | ||
| No, what are they doing? | ||
| It's kind of sad. | ||
| Putting their nose back on? | ||
| No, they fix up the feet and shit. | ||
| And they're patching up the body. | ||
| But they're not really. | ||
| What they're doing is they're building their own version of it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, because they're covering over the Sphinx. | ||
| Like, they're making the feet all smooth. | ||
| Like, Jamie, pull up. | ||
| The actual stone has something to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, fuck yeah. | |
| This is what's been here. | ||
| Not the design. | ||
| This is what's been here. | ||
| This object. | ||
| It's just a really soft stone, and it's all worn out and shit. | ||
| It's thousands of years old. | ||
| Oh, let it fall down. | ||
| Yeah, no shit, but they don't do that. | ||
| See how long it lasts on its own. | ||
| Look at these pictures, because it's kind of gross, because what they're doing is they're making the feet all smooth and shit, and where the paws are was totally irregular. | ||
| Jamie, let's go to the videotape! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm trying. | |
| Survey says... | ||
| What do you... | ||
| I found a page that was an Egyptian... | ||
| Just look up images. | ||
| Do a Google search on images. | ||
| Jamie, instead of failing, why don't you not fail? | ||
| How about you don't fail, you fucker? | ||
| See the right-hand corner? | ||
| That shit is all just renovation. | ||
| That's not what the feet originally looked like. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What do they go over it? | ||
| See all those little bricks? | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| It was originally carved out of one unique set of stone. | ||
| Oh, they're just putting new bricks on it. | ||
| Yes, they're smoothing it all out. | ||
| It was what's called a yardang. | ||
| What a yardang is, is something that comes up out of the desert and then they shape it. | ||
| It's like, it comes up out of the ground, like a rock structure would be a yardang. | ||
| This is just bricks? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It's so stupid. | ||
| See if you can get some other photos of it. | ||
| You can see the photo. | ||
| See what it was like before. | ||
| Yeah, see if there's that. | ||
| But there's a full image of the Sphinx where you could see it from a distance and you get a real sense of what a travesty that is. | ||
| What they're doing is really kind of fucked up. | ||
| It's just too bad. | ||
| They're making their own shit. | ||
| Like, those feet are not the original Sphinx feet. | ||
| They're all smooth and bricks all over them. | ||
| The rest of the Sphinx used to be, like, everything below the head, all jacked up and fucked up. | ||
| Why did they make the Sphinx? | ||
| Sphinx? | ||
| Ward off some, like, demon or something? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Well, the thinking is, rather, that originally it was a lion. | ||
| And that one of the pharaohs was like, fuck that lion head. | ||
| Make that shit my head. | ||
| Because their face is fairly African, so they believe that it took place after the Nubians conquered Egypt. | ||
| Because there were two... | ||
| different types of people that were rural in Egypt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| There were the Sephardic people, the original Egyptian people, which are always depicted as, you know, like Arab-looking folks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Cleopatra was always depicted that way Arabic, a little bit. | ||
| Stacy Dash. | ||
| Well, they actually look kind of strange. | ||
| Have you ever seen what Tutankhamen really looked like? | ||
| A recreation of Tutankhamen? | ||
| No. | ||
| Ooh, it's weird. | ||
| What does it look like? | ||
| He had a weird head, man. | ||
| He had an elongated skull. | ||
| His whole family had elongated skulls. | ||
| And they had sculptures that were drawn of him. | ||
| That was a recreation of what he looked like. | ||
| But that doesn't look as weird as when you see a side profile. | ||
| He died super young, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he died like 17 or 18 or something. | |
| But look at what his skull looks like. | ||
| Like, they were freaks, man. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I don't remember who his father was. | ||
| See if you can find out who his father was. | ||
| I think his father was, I want to say Tut Moses, but I might be wrong. | ||
| But whoever his father was. | ||
| Like a chicken from Kids in the Hole. | ||
| Yeah, Akhenaten. | ||
| Akhenaten, yeah, that was what it was. | ||
| And Akhenaten had this very strangely shaped head. | ||
| And they have these sculptures that were created of Akhenaten. | ||
| I mean, he looks like a goddamn alien. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| Look at what he looked like. | ||
| Look at his fucking head. | ||
| And they don't know whether or not that was a result of headbinding. | ||
| Oh yeah, maybe it was that. | ||
| Could be, but it also could be some weird genetic issue that some of those guys had, and that's one of the reasons why they headbound in the first place, to try to recreate that. | ||
| That it might have been... | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| You know, like, some people have, like, strange lips. | ||
| Some people have big jaws. | ||
| Some people have, you know... | ||
| They might have just naturally had weird-shaped heads, and they became bad motherfuckers, and then they all interbred. | ||
| There was a lot of that going on. | ||
| Royal blood, fucking other royal blood. | ||
| Some player at Florida State had a head like that. | ||
| Bob Soura, maybe. | ||
| That way? | ||
| Yeah, it was all weird in the back. | ||
| It looked like the alien from Enemy Mind. | ||
| Look at that head. | ||
| See if you can pull up a picture. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Was that... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the skull of... | |
| That's his real head? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cotton. | |
| Cotton. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's good to come. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cotton. | |
| That's Tutankhamen. | ||
| Is that Tutankhamen or Akhenaten? | ||
| The JPEG says it's Akhenaten. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Was Tutankhamen Akhenaten? | ||
| Not the same guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's a crazy fucking head, though. | ||
| Look at his head. | ||
| It's like an extra three inches wide. | ||
| Or long, rather. | ||
| Stop right there. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| So who is the dude? | ||
| No, it wasn't Bob Sur. | ||
| It was a black one. | ||
| Black Bob Sur's head. | ||
| No, it wasn't. | ||
| It was this black player that he played with at Florida State that went to the pros afterwards and he shaved his head. | ||
| Fuck, I forgot where he played. | ||
| And he had a crazy shaped head? | ||
| Crazy shaped head. | ||
| What would you do if you had a crazy shaped head and you had your head shaved? | ||
| Not shave my head. | ||
| But what if you had to? | ||
| What if you're a black guy and you're going bald? | ||
| Black guys can't rock like the side, like, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doesn't, you know, you can't have side hair and bald on top. | ||
| It looks goofy. | ||
| It doesn't look good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Do you think they do something about that? | ||
| They put, like, implants in there to shape the back of your head better? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, think about all the shit that they do do. | ||
| Think about all the shit they do for, like, the... | ||
| Straighten their hair. | ||
| I read an article recently about South Korea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the thing about South Korea... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eyeballs? | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's so common. | ||
| Yeah, they do it in China too. | ||
| Girls are getting their eyeballs done. | ||
| It's like a rite of passage. | ||
| You gotta cut them so you can have an over lip on your eyebrows, on your eyelashes, whatever that's called. | ||
| An over lip? | ||
| It's like ours fold over. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Theirs don't fold over. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| So they want to get them to look like they fold over. | ||
| So they get the surgery. | ||
| What do they look like with their eyes closed? | ||
| I think normal with her eyes closed. | ||
| And then when it's up, there's no lip. | ||
| You know how it folds over on the top? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In South Korea... | ||
| I think Bobby's mom got that surgery. | ||
| Bobby Lee? | ||
| Yeah, she's Korean. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Boom, that proves it. | ||
| Why doesn't Bobby get it done? | ||
| How weird would that be if all of a sudden Bobby Lee had these crazy... | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Weird eyes? | ||
| Your eyes don't belong on you. | ||
| Sam Cassell! | ||
| That's it! | ||
| Pull up Sam Cassell! | ||
| Sam Cassell's head? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| See the one that won a Heisman and still played basketball? | ||
| That was Charlie Ward. | ||
| Put up Sam Cassell's head. | ||
| Yeah, side angle of Cassell. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Yeah, it gets rid of their things. | ||
| Before and after. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Pull up a picture of that dude's face. | ||
| Or a head, rather. | ||
| It's hard to tell in that picture. | ||
| Did you pull up Sam Cassell's head? | ||
| Yeah, do a Google search, son. | ||
| Learn how to internet. | ||
| Isn't this ridiculous? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did an amazing job. | ||
| With her whole face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everything about her face was different. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, she became super hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So I guess it's worth it. | ||
| It's like one of the rare instances where some of these... | ||
| She has George Muir's own head. | ||
| Like, it's super effective. | ||
| Some of these girls... | ||
| You gotta get a little more back, but that still looks at the start of it. | ||
| That's pretty Akhenaten. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's pretty nuts. | ||
| Sam Cassell. | ||
| That's a weird fucking head, man. | ||
| That was a weird head, son. | ||
| Look at this one. | ||
| Want to see a crazy one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at this South Korean transformation. | ||
| I mean, this is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| I thought you were showing me that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She went to what? | ||
| To wow. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Pull up some... | ||
| She looks like an old lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| And then she looks like an amazing 24-year-old. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| She looked disgusting and then hot. | ||
| And it's clearly, if you see the jawline, it's clearly the same woman. | ||
| They must have done a lot of shit on her. | ||
| Look up South Korea eye surgery and you can see that image. | ||
| There's a bunch of them, man. | ||
| It's super common. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| There's a phrase for it. | ||
| Sakapult? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Whoa, that's nuts. | ||
| She got rid of her chin. | ||
| She's a dime. | ||
| Know how to use the word dime? | ||
| Like I'm a black man? | ||
| Yeah, like you talked to Ian Edwards. | ||
| Ian, I'm a dime, son! | ||
| She looks like she has Down syndrome in the first one. | ||
| And then she looks gorgeous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She looks like Down syndrome. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, there's a whole website dedicated. | ||
| It's called 30 Startling Before and After South Korean Plastic Surgery Pictures. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's like an advertisement for plastic surgery. | ||
| I guess that's why it's so common. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because it works. | ||
| Changed your life. | ||
| Yeah, really. | ||
| I mean, all of a sudden. | ||
| Did you hear about that one guy who sued his wife because his kids were ugly? | ||
| It turned out that she had gotten plastic surgery. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| I think he won, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Man sues wife because kids were ugly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, we're ugly. | ||
| Oh wow, the dudes look good too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, he looks a lot better. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Man successfully sues wife over ugly children. | ||
| Successfully? | ||
| What country? | ||
| America? | ||
| Fuck no, son. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spain? | |
| A Chinese man divorced his wife and sued her for giving birth to what he called extremely ugly baby girl. | ||
| At first, he thought his wife had cheated on him because there was no way a good-looking guy like him could have or even produce such an unattractive thing. | ||
| Is that a real article? | ||
| Yeah, it's the same lady. | ||
| That was the image, actually. | ||
| It was her. | ||
| That was her. | ||
| What's that from? | ||
| Arabia.msn. | ||
| It was MSN. And then they showed the image of the chick and then the image of the kids and the image of the woman. | ||
| She was stupid hot at the end. | ||
| Look at how hot she was. | ||
| She's there with him. | ||
| So he thought he had, like, the super hottie. | ||
| Golly. | ||
| Oh, look at those ugly kids. | ||
| Look at those fucking ugly kids. | ||
| Their mouths go down. | ||
| Oh, they're fucking kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| How rude. | ||
| Can't he take them in for a little chop and snip? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Can't do it to babies, though. | ||
| Oh, because they'll grow out of it. | ||
| They'll fuck them up. | ||
| Imagine a nightmare. | ||
| What an asshole you'd have to be to give plastic surgery to a baby. | ||
| Look at this fat little son. | ||
| Isn't that weird, man? | ||
| That's so weird that people are doing that. | ||
| They're doing it so much that it's changing the way they envision a woman should look. | ||
| So much so that it's super, super common. | ||
| Super common. | ||
| Weird, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just a strange thing. | ||
| And so oddly effective, too. | ||
| South Korea now has the highest number of surgeries performed per capita, overtaking Brazil as the plastic surgery capital of the world. | ||
| Brazil's all ass implants. | ||
| No, they don't need any of them. | ||
| Ass reductions? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| South Korean women have become so immersed in Western celebrity culture that double eyelid surgery, that's what it's called, which creates the Caucasian crease many Asians don't naturally have, has become as common as going to the dentist. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Okay, I gotta go to sleep. | ||
| That's as common as going to the dentist. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| I want you to jerk off and think about plastic surgery in South Korea. | ||
| Meanwhile, the doctor that does it... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Asian as fuck looking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can't do it to himself. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| He's not interested. | ||
| Doesn't trust anyone else with lesser talent than him. | ||
| He's like, this is stupid. | ||
| These people are crazy. | ||
| There's no reason for it. | ||
| I can do beautifully. | ||
| I'll take that money and blend in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Debunked! | |
| It's debunked? | ||
| Probably false. | ||
| It rang untrue to me. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| It's probably false. | ||
| I feel like I just got ripped off. | ||
| What did you get that from? | ||
| What debunked it? | ||
| The way he was quoting too casually. | ||
| I'm in a way with a good looking man like me. | ||
| Eh, probably you're right. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| Motherfuckers. | ||
| Ari Shafir, where can the ladies and gentlemen see you doing your stand-up? | ||
| Well, I'll be in Calgary in September, middle of September at Yuck Yucks, and I guess I'll be in Chicago. | ||
| Calgary, Yuck Yucks, I heard. | ||
| For one date on 26th. | ||
| Calgary's fun, dude. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's great. | ||
| Didn't you do Calgary with me? | ||
| A few times, a few times. | ||
| Fun times. | ||
| I saw your rye's there. | ||
| Those are fucking animals. | ||
| My rye's? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's been like two years. | ||
| You sold out, but you had trouble selling out that place. | ||
| And next year, no press, sold out two shows. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Two years later. | ||
| Were there those people behind us? | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Jack Singer? | ||
| Jack Singer, yeah. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| There was people behind us, remember? | ||
| Like, they were up above. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They turned around and waved to them. | ||
| Like, alright. | ||
| Was that there? | ||
| Was that that one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was also the place where they oversold it and they didn't know what to do. | ||
| So they put seats on the stage. | ||
| On the stage. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| You remember? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the giant stage. | ||
| We don't need all that room. | ||
| But they were going to not do it. | ||
| They were going to give those people their money back and send them home. | ||
| And so I said, well, you know, that's okay. | ||
| If you want to seat them on the stage, you can seat them on the stage. | ||
| And so there was like a powwow and a meeting. | ||
| And they go, okay, we're going to put seats on the stage. | ||
| They just ran out chairs out there. | ||
| And there was like 200 fucking people on the stage. | ||
| Good Canadian unions. | ||
| They fucking got that shit set up in no time. | ||
| How many people were on the stage? | ||
| There was a lot of goddamn people on the stage. | ||
| There was at least 150, maybe 200. There was madness. | ||
| On the stage. | ||
| That was fun, man. | ||
| Calgary's good. | ||
| Those towns like Edmonton, Calgary, there's a lot of oil money. | ||
| Those fucking folks have a lot of oil money. | ||
| They know how to party. | ||
| And they party. | ||
| They party hard. | ||
| They go hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We did Lloydminster. | ||
| Lloydminster's like a mining town. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Hours from Edmonton. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's like they look at Edmonton like, oh, look at him up in the city. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We did a show in a hockey rink. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Callan, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me. | ||
| In a hockey rink in Lloydminster. | ||
| Had a great fucking time. | ||
| Sound system was kind of dog shit. | ||
| It threw me off a little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was tough, because it was echoing a lot, and I was on the side when Callan was on stage. | ||
| So you could hear it not being clear. | ||
| I couldn't hear him. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I was on the side, and I could barely understand what he was saying, and I knew his act. | ||
| Man, sound matters. | ||
| The people in front got it good. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it matters. | ||
| People want to be like, no, the crowd's here to have a good time. | ||
| I know, and you're not making them have as good a time. | ||
| As good a time as they could. | ||
| All they had to do was set it up a little bit better. | ||
| Put speakers in some different areas. | ||
| But now we know. | ||
| They don't do shows up there. | ||
| Yeah, it's a thing. | ||
| They're trying to figure it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You met Harvey, the promoter guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I met Harvey. | |
| He's a good dude. | ||
| So we did it up there with him. | ||
| All right. | ||
| This fucking show's over, Ari Shafir. | ||
| This is the second of two podcasts we did today. | ||
| It's nice seeing you again, man. | ||
| It's great to see you always, brother. | ||
| Hey, I sold that couch, so we gotta go to dinner sometime soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| The original couch from the original Joe Rogan Experience podcast, I gave it to Ari years ago. | ||
| He kept it in his apartment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was great. | |
| It was the nicest thing in my apartment for five years easy. | ||
| Very nice couch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so then some dude bought it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How much you got for that fucking thing? | ||
| 540 bucks or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| We're going to a nice place. | ||
| Yeah, eBay. | ||
| Dude, let's go to like Morton's. | ||
| Yeah, something really nice. | ||
| Have a steak and a glass of wine like gentlemen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, let's do it. | ||
| Follow Ari on Twitter, Ari Shafir, A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. And you can also get his stand-up comedy. | ||
| You have two stand-up comedy CDs that are available, two comedy specials that are available. | ||
| No, I have one. | ||
| Now, Chill went down, so I guess Comedy Central is going to buy it and put it up. | ||
| What went down? | ||
| Chill, the website that did mine and Maria's and Proops's. | ||
| So you can't buy it anywhere now? | ||
| Can't buy it right now. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So Revenge for the Holocaust is still out. | ||
| But there are illegal downloads that you can find. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, good. | |
| If you go to Views Player and put in Passive Aggressive, Ari Shaffir, you can probably find a seed for it. | ||
| But Revenge for the Holocaust is still out. | ||
| That's out, yes. | ||
| That's out. | ||
| And the other one is not out. | ||
| Not out. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Passive Aggressive is just out there in the ether somewhere. | ||
| We're getting it up. | ||
| But right now, they got the green light. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To hit the torrents. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| Beautiful green light. | ||
| Powerful green light. | ||
| Oh, and I have a storyteller show on Monday at Union Hall, but there's only like 40 seats. | ||
| New York? | ||
| Yeah, New York. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| Miss Pat's doing it. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Miss Pat's going to be on the podcast. | ||
| Oh, you're going to love her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to love her. | ||
| I keep hearing that, man. | ||
| She's going to be on the podcast on, I think... | ||
| She's such a nice, warm... | ||
| 29th. | ||
| Tuesday of 29th. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, July 29th. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Alright, you dirty fucks. | ||
| We love the shit out of you. | ||
| We appreciate you very much. | ||
| And I appreciate it even more after being gone for a week. | ||
| I enjoyed this. | ||
| This is an awesome day. | ||
| Alright, we'll be back tomorrow with the dude from Unbox Therapy and lots of podcasts coming up. | ||
| Fight Companion on Saturday. | ||
| Brendan Schaub and me. | ||
| Gonna watch the fights together. | ||
| Alright, much love. | ||
| Big kiss. | ||
| See you soon. |
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