Feb. 4, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:48:51
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hey, everybody. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's Valentine's Day almost. | ||
| It's coming up soon. | ||
| It's one of those dangerous holidays. | ||
| We gotta do something. | ||
| Can't just forget that one. | ||
| Valentine's is tricky. | ||
| Do the gays give out the flowers? | ||
| Do they give out the flowers the same way the straights? | ||
| Do the gays give out the flowers? | ||
| The straights must give out the flowers. | ||
| It must the gays as well. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't go on dates. | ||
| I say no. | ||
| The answer is no. | ||
| We've got confirmation. | ||
| I mean, either way, they end up dying, you know? | ||
| Flowers or the gays? | ||
| Both. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| We all die, flowers and gays. | ||
| This is fucking... | ||
| Jesus, we're just right off the bat. | ||
| I know. | ||
| We're trying to sell flowers here, fella. | ||
| This is a sponsor. | ||
| 1-800-Flowers.com A really cool sponsor. | ||
| Like, going to the florist, you don't want to get caught in the florist. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| You look like a bitch. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| If you're a man wandering into a florist, you look like somebody done whooped you, son! | ||
| Take care of your shit online. | ||
| Keep your hands clean. | ||
| Keep it on the DL. This year, really wow her with a beautiful bouquet that she would love from 1-800-Flowers.com, your rose authority. | ||
| These are beautiful flowers. | ||
| If you look at some of these bouquets that they sell for Valentine's Day, for whatever, for birthdays, for anything, they're really pretty. | ||
| I know it's not manly to love flowers, but I do love flowers. | ||
| I think they're beautiful. | ||
| They're nature's artwork. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I don't know what it is about things that are beautiful that give you a feeling. | ||
| I'm right here, Joe. | ||
| A beautiful forest. | ||
| When you see a beautiful sunset. | ||
| I'm not exactly sure what beauty is. | ||
| I don't know why it works. | ||
| I don't know what it is about looking at flowers and making you go, wow. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I feel the same way when I look at a nice Instagrammed sunset. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| When you see a sunset in real life, it's way better. | ||
| But what is it about things that are beautiful? | ||
| Why would it be evolutionary advantageous for us to be attracted to the look of flowers? | ||
| Why would it give us such a good feeling? | ||
| It doesn't really make sense. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I guess you can eat them. | ||
| You can eat some of them at least. | ||
| But that's not it. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| I don't want to eat a flower. | ||
| They're supposed to be pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| Like in a salad. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, just something that's not right. | ||
| I have roses in my yard and deers eat them. | ||
| They're always eating my flower. | ||
| I should say deer. | ||
| Deer. | ||
| But I'm unsophisticated. | ||
| 1-800-FLOWER is available through Wednesday, February 5th only. | ||
| That's tomorrow, you fucks. | ||
| Order 24 stunning multicolored roses for only $29.99. | ||
| That's a really awesome deal. | ||
| Like a rose for less than a buck. | ||
| 24 of them. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Multicolored. | ||
| Plus, for just $10 more, you can upgrade them to red roses. | ||
| I actually think I prefer them multicolored. | ||
| Yeah, diversity. | ||
| Some people just love the classics. | ||
| The classic red. | ||
| The classic flower. | ||
| The classic red must be worth more. | ||
| It's an amazing offer. | ||
| Two dozen roses for $29.99. | ||
| This deal ends Wednesday, February 5th. | ||
| And only while supplies last. | ||
| So you need to order now before you're locked out, son. | ||
| You go wandering around picking daisies for her. | ||
| And she's like, what, bitch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Daisies? | |
| Have you ever done that? | ||
| Have you ever gone on a date or gone over to somebody's house and picked somebody else's flowers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, I never have. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I mean, I've definitely bought flowers before. | ||
| I just can't think of how many times. | ||
| It hasn't been a lot. | ||
| But I would, you know... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| People are weird about that. | ||
| Some people want people to buy them shit. | ||
| They would rather you buy them shit than pick up some flowers somewhere that you saw. | ||
| Like, I would think if I was a chick and a guy came over and he said, I saw these flowers and they were, you know, in a field, in a wild field, and they were really beautiful, so I thought I'd bring them over. | ||
| I would like that even more than someone going to a fucking store where someone's been raising these things. | ||
| They're not special, okay? | ||
| They're being raised. | ||
| You want your flowers wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I want them wild. | |
| Wild. | ||
| The problem is, wildflowers look like shit. | ||
| If you want to get some good-looking flowers, you've got to go to 1-800-STAMPS.com and enter in the code word JRE. Click on the radio microphone in the upper right-hand corner and enter in the code JRE. And get yourself this sweet deal. | ||
| Available, as I said, Wednesday, February 5th is when it ends. | ||
| Through Wednesday, February 5th. | ||
| 24 stunning multi-color roses. | ||
| Only $29.99. | ||
| And for $10 more, you can upgrade them to red roses. | ||
| Alright, you fucks? | ||
| So go do that. | ||
| Chicks dig it. | ||
| I don't understand it either. | ||
| But look, you want to get laid, right? | ||
| You want to keep her happy, right? | ||
| I don't know if you want to keep her happy. | ||
| You might not want to. | ||
| Don't listen to me. | ||
| Just don't get that baby's breath stuff. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| What is baby's breath? | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| It's like those little white little things they put in the flowers. | ||
| You don't like those? | ||
| No. | ||
| And it has a weird name. | ||
| The gays do not like the baby's breath. | ||
| Do not get us baby's breath. | ||
| I remember as a kid I thought there was a connection to babies. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I thought it was too. | ||
| I was like, do they steal the breath from babies? | ||
| What kind of witchcraft is this on Valentine's Day? | ||
| We're also brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| I got a chance to meet the Squarespace guys this weekend in New York City. | ||
| Very, very cool guys. | ||
| So it's nice to actually put a face to a company. | ||
| The company is excellent. | ||
| The product, what they sell. | ||
| They have a website where you can make your own website. | ||
| And it's easy. | ||
| A dummy like myself could do it. | ||
| It's all about drag and drop and point and click. | ||
| Just the regular functions of using a computer. | ||
| If you know how to open up Microsoft Word, if you know how to, you know... | ||
| Fuck around with your iPhoto or whatever. | ||
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| And then I'll be like, I told you, bitch. | ||
| And then once you do that, you can get 10% off your purchase for a free trial and 10% off your purchase. | ||
| If you enter in the code word Joe, that's just J-O-E. No numbers anymore. | ||
| Squarespace wisened the fuck up and dropped the stupid numbers after every Joe 1 and Joe 2. Squarespace has beautiful designs for you to start with. | ||
| You can start not just creating your own website, but putting on your own online store, including musicians. | ||
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| It's cool. | ||
| It's very dopealicious, and we are very, very happy with this company. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| Nothing but positive reviews from all of our fans and friends that have used it, including... | ||
| I know Cara Santa Maria organized all of her digital media using Squarespace, and Duncan uses Squarespace. | ||
| It was funny, because one of the guys was there. | ||
| It's like, we got our support ticket for Duncan Trussell, and we were like, wait a minute, what the fuck? | ||
| Is that the real Duncan Trussell? | ||
| And Duncan Trussell needs to figure out how to do something. | ||
| Hey, man! | ||
| 24-7 email support. | ||
| Squarespace.com. | ||
| Use the code word JOE and save 10% off, you fucks. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. It's 2014, freaks. | ||
| Did you blow off your New Year's resolution already? | ||
| Is it already over? | ||
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| Get a zombie bell, that's kettlebells that look like zombies, learn how to use them, and prepare for the apocalypse, because Yellowstone is going to blow. | ||
| I'm going to talk about that on the podcast today. | ||
| Massive volcanic activity underneath the caldera volcano at Yellowstone. | ||
| No! | ||
| So much that they ran out of red ink. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| There's so much volcanic activity that the seismograph ran out of ink. | ||
| Jesus fucking Luizus. | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| We're gonna go, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Anyway, get yourself a zombie kettlebell to prepare for the apocalypse. | ||
| You don't want to be a skinny, weak bitch when the apocalypse comes. | ||
| And you don't want to smoke cigarettes either. | ||
| So quit the cigarettes and start off light. | ||
| Don't get nutty, man. | ||
| Get yourself like a goblin. | ||
| The Brain Goblin one is only 18 pounds. | ||
| It seems like it would be too much for a weak bitch like you, but I have confidence that we'll get you a few exercises with 18 pounds and build you up to 35. Most important is learn the functional movements of kettlebells before you use any of these things. | ||
| I've said it before. | ||
| I'll say it a thousand times because I don't want anybody getting hurt. | ||
| Start off light. | ||
| Learn how to do it. | ||
| Either go to a trainer and pay someone to show you correct movement or Be very careful and watch a DVD and watch yourself and maybe even film yourself and watch yourself to see if you're doing the exact same movements as the DVD so you can really make sure that you're not putting any undue stress on any of your joints. | ||
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| They would do one body group this day, another body group that day, and that does make your muscles grow bigger. | ||
| But what it doesn't do is get your muscles used to communicating with each other while doing something and developing your balance and developing your core strength. | ||
| There's a lot of things that bodybuilding type exercises just don't take care of. | ||
| That's where kettlebells come in. | ||
| It's the most effective way to condition your body with weights. | ||
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| Boom, shalak, glug, boom. | ||
| All right, my friends. | ||
| Mad love. | ||
| Justin Mondale's here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Dream by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Justin Martindale. | ||
| What's up, guys? | ||
| Hey, Joe, how are you? | ||
| Good, what's cracking, dude? | ||
| You know, living a dream. | ||
| You are living a dream. | ||
| Are you living your dream, Justin Martindale? | ||
| I live in my dream world, yes. | ||
| Yeah, things are good. | ||
| Things are good until the world ends, which is very close. | ||
| Yeah, tomorrow, apparently. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Apparently, Yellowstone's volcano has been active today. | ||
| By the way, I read one website about this. | ||
| Didn't verify it at all. | ||
| Not only that, I don't want to verify it because what if they're wrong? | ||
| And then I can't freak out for the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No reason to freak out. | ||
| What time is it? | ||
| It's only 1220. Let's wait for a panic attack around like 3, shall we? | ||
| Yeah, I wonder. | ||
| I'll probably have to look at some other websites and see if this is actually accurate. | ||
| Because I've been reading a bunch of things on Fukushima. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
| I was reading all about radiation and fish and everything. | ||
| But then there's a scientist that I was reading. | ||
| They caught a halibut from right offshore from Fukushima. | ||
| And they tested it and it was okay to eat. | ||
| Liars. | ||
| My dad owned me. | ||
| I was like, I wish I could go back to Japan. | ||
| And he's like, why wouldn't you go back to Japan? | ||
| And I'm like, well, you know, the radiation. | ||
| He goes, you know there's people that work. | ||
| Around that radiation plant. | ||
| They can only work there like five days in a row, but they have to get out of there before it starts affecting them. | ||
| But it's not like you're going to go over there and be shitting. | ||
| No, Brian, they're mutants now. | ||
| They have powers. | ||
| Yeah, you don't know shit. | ||
| Yeah, you're wrong. | ||
| Here's a thing about the Yellowstone thing, though. | ||
| No, is this today? | ||
| This is today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm reading about Yellowstone volcanic activity. | ||
| So what are they saying? | ||
| Here, let me... | ||
| There's actually... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is this the newest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, hold on. | |
| Yeah, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Huge magma pocket lurks beneath Yellowstone's supervolcano. | ||
| Not a magma pocket. | ||
| A large earthquake at Yellowstone is much more likely than a volcanic eruption, they said. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Just let me shoot a pilot, you know? | ||
| That's all I wanted. | ||
| It's so close. | ||
| It's supposed to be this month. | ||
| Just let me hit syndication. | ||
| Just let me get something. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
35 seismic stations send information continuously from the park to their lab at the University of Utah. | |
| Within Yellowstone is a caldera or volcano hole 50 miles across, so big you can't see it from the ground. | ||
| A little below the surface is a pool of molten rock called magma, as shown in this 60 minutes graphic. | ||
| Heat from the magma drives Yellowstone's geysers, such as Old Faithful. | ||
| Researchers used the seismic waves from earthquakes, like X-rays, to see the magma underground. | ||
| Pause this for a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pause this. | |
| That guy fucking freaks me out just by the way he talks! | ||
| Yeah, I was like, stop saying magma! | ||
| Why are you talking about magma that way? | ||
| Can you imagine if the guy was over your house and be like, oh my god, I have a crazy person over my house. | ||
| Look how they're talking to me. | ||
| What's for Tanner? | ||
| This is where the volcano's gonna kill us all! | ||
| Mitchie wanted to make the volcano under Yost. | ||
| Yeah, he's much more animated than that guy. | ||
| He's like the worst, like, fourth grade teacher ever. | ||
| Science teacher. | ||
| The potential is... | ||
| 2,000 times the force of Mount St. Helens. | ||
| This is a new study from the University of Utah. | ||
| The hot molten rock between Yellowstone, beneath Yellowstone, is two and a half times larger than previously estimated. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I watched a doom and gloom documentary on Yellowstone that freaked me out about seven years ago. | ||
| And now they've got new findings that it's twice as bad as they thought it was. | ||
| Ugh, what is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
30,000 years ago, no one knows if or when it will erupt again, but if it does, it'll be big. | |
| Ash comes all the way to Salt Lake or Denver. | ||
| Researchers think they'll see the eruption coming. | ||
| We believe we'd have a bit of warning if there was going to be a volcanic eruption in Yellowstone. | ||
| I'm going somewhere. | ||
| I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere. | ||
| I think Australia. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| That's a beautiful prison colony. | ||
| They're nice people. | ||
| They like to party. | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| It's a smart country. | ||
| If this happens, is it going to trigger the big one here? | ||
| That's something to think about, too. | ||
| That doesn't matter, man. | ||
| Do you understand how big this is? | ||
| If this fucker blows, it's like, from what that guy said, he said like 50 miles across, but I've read that it's much larger than that. | ||
| It's a super volcano, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've read that it was like the entire base of the crater was something nutty, like 300 kilometers, like something insane. | ||
| Apparently, if this thing blows, it kills most of the animals on the continent. | ||
| It's not just gonna be like an issue for people that live around Yellowstone. | ||
| It's gonna be an issue for people that live in Portugal. | ||
| It's gonna be an issue for China. | ||
| It's gonna be an issue for the whole planet. | ||
| It'll cause like a giant cloud that will cover the sky and probably kill off like a lot of people and animals. | ||
| It's probably gonna kill most people. | ||
| Will it kill off gluten? | ||
| It won't kill off sugar, gluten, or... | ||
| Kale, it'll... | ||
| Yeah, you can't buy any more organic. | ||
| Oh, God! | ||
| There'll be no organic. | ||
| Everything will be done in these things underground with light bulbs. | ||
| Everything will be nuclear power. | ||
| Yeah, fake light and nuclear power. | ||
| We'll all be living underground. | ||
| Cave pirates. | ||
| There's a bunch of fucking people. | ||
| Duncan interviewed this guy for the sci-fi show where he went and talked to this dude who's got this organized retreat underground. | ||
| A doomsday lair? | ||
| I think it was Utah, yeah. | ||
| I forget where it was, but Homeboy had, like, you drove into it. | ||
| It was like a bomb shelter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He drove into it with buses and these tunnels, and then they had oxygen machines, and they were setting up a whole colony in there where they were going to grow food. | ||
| This is where they were going to store their supplies. | ||
| This is where they were going to have their recreation room, and they were going to have a daycare there. | ||
| This one dude was, I think, basically thinking about getting together a group of women and fucking them all and killing off the husbands. | ||
| I'm not a cult leader. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm just a guy with a bomb shelter. | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| Who doesn't have a good bomb shelter these days? | ||
| That's the best way to be a cult leader. | ||
| Ladies, come on in. | ||
| If you were right, though, dudes who wanted to be a cult leader would be so psyched for the apocalypse. | ||
| Like, fuck yeah! | ||
| Now I'm running shit! | ||
| There's no more law, there's no more rules, the internet's down, fuck yeah! | ||
| I can trick these dummies. | ||
| I can wear this eye patch and look hardcore. | ||
| It's hard as fuck to trick people in 2014. If you go making some shit up and starting some new religion and then they go, well, let me Google search this guy. | ||
| And you Google him, he's a fucking con man. | ||
| That's not going to go far. | ||
| But Joseph Smith was a con man. | ||
| Joseph Smith was a con man and he started Mormonism. | ||
| If you try to do that today, people will be like, dude, I Googled you last night. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| That's the best response to anything. | ||
| I googled you. | ||
| Dude, fuck off. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| You're all bullshit, man. | ||
| You didn't find no golden tablets. | ||
| Or it's like the Branch Davidians and those guys. | ||
| Well, the Waco one is really spooky because the government killed those people. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| I don't know if they attacked first. | ||
| I don't know what the exact situation was. | ||
| But I know they lied about what they did. | ||
| Because they rode over those buildings with tanks and shot fire into those buildings. | ||
| And tear gas and stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can see the videos of it. | ||
| I think it's called Rules of Engagement? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Let me make sure that that's what it is. | ||
| I think that's the documentary. | ||
| Rules of Engagement. | ||
| But it's all about Waco. | ||
| It's about what the... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But those... | ||
| I mean, they were definitely fucking crazy people. | ||
| Waco, The Rules of Engagement. | ||
| That's the name of the documentary. | ||
| You can find it on... | ||
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| The full version of it is on YouTube. | ||
| So just Google Waco, W-A-C-O, and if you're interested, watch it. | ||
| It's pretty fucking interesting, man. | ||
| It's creepy. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| They killed the fuck out of those people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had guns. | ||
| They have the foundation of the building, and it says, the most televised massacre in the world. | ||
| And it spray paints... | ||
| Arrows in each direction on the tablet, on the foundation, where it's like, oh, CNN was here. | ||
| And, you know, Fox News was here. | ||
| Like, how it was all televised for everyone to see. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that is what happened. | ||
| They massacred those people. | ||
| And they did it right in front of everybody. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| I mean, it was a 51-day siege. | ||
| And at the end of the 51 days, they were like, E-fuck, enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's fascinating because I can't side with that dude. | ||
| You know, I can't side with Koresh. | ||
| You know, he's obviously a cult leader. | ||
| He's obviously one of those charismatic weirdos that was fucking all the women. | ||
| He was having sex with all the women. | ||
| And the kids, too. | ||
| Some of the kids. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| Kids having kids. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I'm not saying that he was a great guy and he should still be around running his cult, but the way to handle it might not be smashing buildings, tanks, shooting fire, and killing, and cooking kids. | ||
| I mean, they cooked everybody. | ||
| Yeah, they nuked them, not nuked them, but... | ||
| They killed everybody that was in that building. | ||
| And they had tunnels down there, too. | ||
| They had tunnels underground and all that, so they smoked them all out. | ||
| Yeah, how many people died at Waco? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Happy Tuesday, how many people died? | |
| I'm gonna say a hundred. | ||
| I'll say more. | ||
| Siri, how many people died in Waco? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Who? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop creeping me out, Joe Brogan. | |
| 76. Oh, 76? | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot. | ||
| I thought more, yeah. | ||
| Do you imagine 76 bodies stacked up on top of each other? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| Man. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| The ATF failed to raid the compound, so the FBI jumped in. | ||
| So apparently they had been shooting back and forth at each other. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I remember seeing that in the windows and stuff. | ||
| You can't shoot at the cops, dummy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In my culture, can. | ||
| I mean, there's a certain amount of bullshit that they're not going to tolerate. | ||
| You can't shoot at cops. | ||
| Where did it go wrong? | ||
| That's where they fucking roll over your buildings with tanks. | ||
| That's when they did that. | ||
| It's interesting because I had seen like Bill Hicks used to have a bit on it, you know, about the United States were liars and murderers because you could watch the video of them rolling tanks through these buildings and blowing fire out of the end of the tanks. | ||
| And it wasn't like a funny bit. | ||
| It was more like, you know, he had some bits that were really just sort of, he was showing you, like, this is what you're dealing with. | ||
| These are the kind of thugs you're dealing with. | ||
| They blew fire. | ||
| But then you look at the other side, and you go, well, they're shooting at cops. | ||
| They're fucking kids. | ||
| The guy plays a really shitty guitar. | ||
| They just like to party, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's banging everybody's wife, and he's got guns, and he shoots at cops. | ||
| And they're like, oh. | ||
| Oh, right, yeah. | ||
| Okay, run him over. | ||
| Alright, what about the kids? | ||
| These kids are gonna grow up to be assholes. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Little inbred misfit fraggles. | ||
| Have you ever seen him sing? | ||
| Pull up David Koresh. | ||
| David Koresh singing. | ||
| David Koresh. | ||
| David Koresh sings the blues, an all-new Time Life classic. | ||
| Let's see if you can see yourself. | ||
| The worst moments of your life. | ||
| Could you see yourself falling for any of this bullshit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now that's what I call Koresh! | |
| I just want him to have like an album release party. | ||
| Put aside what you know or think you know about David Koresh. | ||
| Listen to his words recorded just before his death and the death of his entire family. | ||
| Oh, they have a video of him. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| How many of us have said the same thing? | ||
| Pull this up. | ||
| David Koresh tells the truth about Waco. | ||
| This is a video of them right before the feds stormed the building and cooked everybody. | ||
| It was the most entertaining thing Waco has ever seen, I'm sure. | ||
| Well, you know, a lot of people went down there when the standoff was going on, and they were, like, hanging out with the cops, like, watching. | ||
| It was a spectacle. | ||
| Which is fucking really odd. | ||
| Especially when you find out how it turned out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's really odd. | ||
| What you're actually watching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got it? | |
| David Koresh tells the truth about Waco. | ||
| It's him inside the Branch Davidian... | ||
| I mean, it's really creepy because I think he'd already been shot by the time they did this. | ||
| Listen to his words recorded just before his death and the death of his entire family. | ||
| Jesus, so dramatic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many of us have said the same thing? | |
| You know, it's not against law to buy a firearm. | ||
| It's not against law to buy anything that they sell at a gun show. | ||
| And when this is all resolved, you know, hey, yellow sheet is legal. | ||
| The accusation is not. | ||
| Ugh, I can't listen to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bringing these tanks and stuff around here, I tell you what, being an American first, I'm the kind of guy that I'll stand in front of a tank, you can run over me, He's awesome. | |
| Walmart? | ||
| bear witness against the ATF. | ||
| The two agents across the street over here, Robert Gonzalez, I love the guy. | ||
| I was honest with him. | ||
| I brought him into my home. | ||
| He was going to stay here for two weeks. | ||
| All this stuff you guys may want to avoid and deny, you know? | ||
| You know, he wanted to tour around the place. | ||
| I promised him a tour. | ||
| He could have talked to any of these guys around here, anybody. | ||
| He was free to come and go as he chose. | ||
| And I do not appreciate it and never will I ever appreciate somebody coming here with two helicopters and cattle trailers and all that. | ||
| And pushing people around with guns. | ||
| Hey, I'll meet you at the doorstep any day. | ||
| You know, and somebody will get hurt. | ||
| If you want to keep playing that game, I'm talking to you. | ||
| Somebody's going to get hurt. | ||
| Because this ain't America anymore when the ATF has that kind of power to come into anybody's home and kick doors down and things like that. | ||
| Now, I do understand. | ||
| Someone reminded me of this. | ||
| I do understand that one of the officers says his gun went off on accident. | ||
| And that, you know, that was just like a signal and all that, you know? | ||
| But look, besides the point, ATF, you boys are wrong. | ||
| Your practices, your habits, yeah. | ||
| Drug dealers, fine. | ||
| You know, but even, there's always a question, if there's any question whatsoever, the kids or women are involved, damn you, I tell you what, you keep your damn gun in your holster. | ||
| You send a couple of big, brave, Invincible kind of men, you let them knock on the door. | ||
| If they're so damn involved to where they can risk their lives with the name of the wall, then send them up bulletproof, put them in some kind of knight armor or whatever, and let them knock on the door and ask the questions first. | ||
| But no one's going to expect me, when they come busting in on my door with guns drawn and pointed in the air, and someone fired me, that I'm going to lay down and die for anybody. | ||
| You know what's fucked? | ||
| Part of what he's saying, you shouldn't come in to people's houses if you have any questions with guns drawn, if there's women and children. | ||
| He's like, that makes a good point. | ||
| Why not wear a bulletproof outfit? | ||
| You know, wouldn't that be like a more, you know, have a bunch of people with bulletproof outfits. | ||
| Don't storm into the house with fucking guns. | ||
| With kids and... | ||
| Look, he's obviously a redneck. | ||
| He's Kenny Powers. | ||
| Yeah, he looks, yeah, he definitely loves Walmart. | ||
| He's Kenny Powers. | ||
| Yeah, he gets his... | ||
| He's the Kenny Powers evangelist. | ||
| But here's the question, man. | ||
| Okay, if a guy, let's say there's some guy, some slick-talking guy, and he finds some sad girls, and the two girls live with him, and he has this harem of these two girls, his two girlfriends. | ||
| He takes them everywhere, and they make a show of it Hugh Hefner style. | ||
| He's kissing them all out in public. | ||
| Alright, that's okay. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| I think you pitched a show for Bravo right now. | ||
| I think that's actually really good. | ||
| Is it a new show? | ||
| This guy moves in with two girls. | ||
| They're lost. | ||
| They're lost and sad. | ||
| They can't afford food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So this guy... | ||
| Mine fucks them. | ||
| Erases their memories. | ||
| What I'm saying is, when does it become a cult? | ||
| If you've got two gals, that's okay. | ||
| Everybody's like, well, it's just an eccentric lifestyle. | ||
| It's polyamorous, right? | ||
| What if you have 30 of them, and it's you and your five friends, and you all swap wives, and you live in a place, and you're gun enthusiasts? | ||
| Then you're getting into the learning channel right now. | ||
| That's exactly what that is. | ||
| All you think about is TV, dude. | ||
| I mean, I'm thinking shows, and I'm like, dollar signs, Joe. | ||
| We've got two days to live before the magma piles up on our bodies. | ||
| Money's not worth anything anymore. | ||
| You need bitcoins. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That is an interesting thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like the... | |
| God, where is that? | ||
| We were driving by that place. | ||
| It is like a Mormon or one of those big love plots where everything's boarded up and they have no outlet to society. | ||
| When do you go, hmm, this sounds like a great idea? | ||
| As long as it's old, it's okay. | ||
| It can be very cult-like. | ||
| It can be like the Amish. | ||
| Quakers. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Quakers are fine. | ||
| As long as it's old. | ||
| Yeah, but if it's like creepy... | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Amish are creepy. | ||
| Well, you know. | ||
| They don't even use electricity. | ||
| That's creepy as fuck. | ||
| But they make their own butter. | ||
| That's so cute. | ||
| That is kind of cute. | ||
| It's kind of cute. | ||
| Their outfits are ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, it's really dumb. | ||
| Massive restriction on their activities. | ||
| But they've been around a long time, so it's okay. | ||
| But if, like, Justin Martindale decided to start the Martindales, and this is your new religion, the religion of the Martindales. | ||
| The Martindalians, yeah. | ||
| Dress up like they're a band member in Devo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, fucking... | ||
| You have a bunch of specific shit you make them all do, and everyone lives in this gated community. | ||
| Fucking feds would come and knock on your door. | ||
| Where are you getting the ecstasy? | ||
| What ecstasy? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I'm just grinding my teeth. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| I'm hydrated. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| I pay taxes. | ||
| Get the fuck off me. | ||
| Next thing you know, you'd be getting arrested. | ||
| You'd be having too much fun. | ||
| But if it was just you living with a couple of dudes, partying it up all the time, no one would say shit. | ||
| If three guys share a house and they just have parties all the time and they like to go dancing and they like to eat and go drink and bring people home and have more parties, nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, that's just called Palm Springs. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's a house. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it as long as your neighbors don't freak the fuck out. | ||
| Once the neighbors freak out. | ||
| But if you have 50 guys, and they all lived in these five houses that you had fenced in, that would be a real issue. | ||
| There's 10 guys in each house, and they grow their own food. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Oh, that's weird. | ||
| Oh, these fucks. | ||
| They have solar backups. | ||
| They have generators. | ||
| They seem to be digging a well. | ||
| Oh, we gotta fucking stop this. | ||
| Anti-American. | ||
| What are they trying to do? | ||
| You trying to get off the grid? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| What are you doing on here, you fucks? | ||
| Trying to be self-sustaining? | ||
| Growing their own weed? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| That's what everybody looks for. | ||
| That's what everyone's doing these days. | ||
| There's a great story about these CIA agents that got arrested because the DEA thought that they were growing weed and they were actually growing tomatoes. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Because they go by their house with those scanners. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| To pick up the scent or something? | ||
| No, the scanner, they have those in Denver now, but apparently they're being ruled unconstitutional or there's some sort of a dispute about them. | ||
| No, these are some things they use outside to find out how much electricity the house is using. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| If you have a series of glow lights, or grow lights, rather, it'll give off a very specific signal outside the house. | ||
| They can find out if you're growing things. | ||
| So they knew these guys were growing things, so they came in, broke in their house, and found out they have fucking tomatoes. | ||
| They were using those lights for the tomato plants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People are just so bored now. | ||
| Who's growing weed? | ||
| Yeah, I'll pull up the story, because it's so fucking stupid. | ||
| It hurts your brain. | ||
| That would be amazing to be those people. | ||
| They're like, they're tomatoes. | ||
| Yeah, they have fucking... | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| And it happens all the time, by the way. | ||
| There's a bunch of stories online... | ||
| You can find them all over the place where people are busted from growing tomatoes. | ||
| My brother-in-law was growing tomatoes in the basement. | ||
| I mean, people do it all the time, especially on the East Coast. | ||
| You have a piece of your basement, you set up some lights, you can have food. | ||
| Why wouldn't you do it? | ||
| But this is a funny fucking story because it's two former CIA employees. | ||
| They're in Kansas. | ||
| Their home was broken down and searched for a two-state drug sweep claim. | ||
| They were illegal. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Wait, so they were ex-CAA and homeless? | ||
| No, what are you talking about? | ||
| I thought you said homeless. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Their home was. | ||
| Oh, homeless. | ||
| Their home was invaded. | ||
| I was like, these are just homeless people invading someone's house. | ||
| This is how stupid this idea of the drug war is and this war on plants. | ||
| Their operation, the operation was Operation Constant Gardener. | ||
| God. | ||
| Operation Constant Gardener. | ||
| Yeah, people are growing plants. | ||
| Is it okay to grow things? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Stop creating life. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| We decide it's not. | ||
| Operation Home and Gardens. | ||
| So we will most think about all the different things you can grow that aren't illegal, okay? | ||
| And then if you're growing something, we assume it's illegal, and we have the right to break down your fucking door. | ||
| We've lost a lot of rights, folks. | ||
| We've lost a lot of rights. | ||
| That's really weird. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| I mean, these dummies are doing this to ex-CIA agents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| We found plants! | ||
| Tomatoes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking stupid, man. | ||
| It's a stupid, stupid, stupid situation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking dumbasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why I used to grow my weed underneath my waterbed, like the floor underneath it. | |
| Of course you did. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| They would still find it. | ||
| You'd have enough room. | ||
| You'd have the shittiest weed ever. | ||
| It's like farts, too. | ||
| Waterbeds and farts. | ||
| Waterbeds and farts. | ||
| I always like the way waterbeds smell, though. | ||
| They're weird to sleep in, man, because they're like a womb. | ||
| I remember when I lived in Boston. | ||
| They're bad for fucking, though. | ||
| The only way you get a good fuck on in a waterbed is you got to get in a corner. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| You got to brace your legs, one leg on each side, and you got to... | ||
| You gotta figure out how to ride the sloshing. | ||
| This is gonna be a lot of sloshing. | ||
| Even if you have those waterbeds that have baffles in them, like a lot of them have baffles in them, so they only wiggle a little, it's not quite the same. | ||
| Once you get a good fuck on and like a real solid bed, like a Tempur-Pedic, one that's got a good fucking give to it. | ||
| Is there Tempur-Pedic waterbeds? | ||
| No, there's Tempur-Pedic beds, regular beds. | ||
| You don't even pay attention to anything. | ||
| You're thinking about pilots. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| You're thinking about putting together shows. | ||
| No, because that would be amazing. | ||
| That would be the best bed ever, because I'm thinking water beds are the most uncomfortable beds ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they're not. | |
| No, they're not. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| I had a bad water bed. | ||
| That was just me then. | ||
| Uncomfortable to you. | ||
| How about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But was it one of those ones where you sink right to the middle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, those are the problems. | ||
| That's what we're talking about, like baffles. | ||
| You know what baffles mean? | ||
| There's a bunch of different compartments. | ||
| It's still a waterbed, but there's many different compartments, not just one big one that wiggles around. | ||
| There's like, you know, hundreds of them. | ||
| So you sit in it and you would just wiggle just sort of a tiny little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kind of a small wiggle. | |
| Yeah, just a tiny little bit. | ||
| But the heat off of the waterbed is what's fascinating. | ||
| Because it gives you this weird, like, deep sleep feeling. | ||
| Like you're in a womb. | ||
| Like in the, yeah, in utero. | ||
| But I fucked up once and my heater stopped or something. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| But you get so fucking cold. | ||
| If you're sleeping over a waterbed and the heater breaks, you could get hypothermia or something. | ||
| Titanic shit. | ||
| Yeah, you freeze your dick off. | ||
| Like, I'm sitting there going, I can't believe how fucking cold this is. | ||
| Like, I thought it'd be fine. | ||
| I didn't realize that, no, the water is gonna, like, suck the heat out of your body. | ||
| It's not like it's not warm anymore. | ||
| You just wake up blue, if you wake up. | ||
| It's not like a mattress. | ||
| Like, a mattress is the temperature of the room, and that's fine. | ||
| But you can't have a waterbed, the temperature of the room. | ||
| The waterbed is 70 degrees. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want a warm bed. | ||
| I need a warm bed. | ||
| I never even thought about it. | ||
| My waterbed popped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My cat ended up popping mine, and I woke up into the water. | |
| I was with a girl, and all the water just started coming up. | ||
| That's a weird way to wake up. | ||
| You're like, are you peeing on me? | ||
| Fucking cats. | ||
| Silly cat. | ||
| I popped a waterbed once. | ||
| That's a disaster, man. | ||
| It's a disaster, and you gotta fucking do something quick, because the apartment's gonna fill up with water, and it's gonna go through the floor, and if you're above somebody, you're there for- Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Were you above someone? | ||
| No, it's in the basement. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I was. | ||
| I mean, I was above someone, but it didn't get that bad. | ||
| I took care of it before it went crazy. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| I don't even remember how. | ||
| I don't remember what the process of draining it was. | ||
| It's like attach a hose and get the hose and carry it to the sink and then siphon it and pour it in or something. | ||
| I don't even remember the full boat of issues. | ||
| But I remember when I got a regular bed after that, I was like, fuck water beds, man. | ||
| This is what a bed's supposed to be like. | ||
| Silly goddamn gimmick bed. | ||
| Do they still make waterbeds? | ||
| Of course they do. | ||
| They do? | ||
| I don't know anybody. | ||
| I'm going to Google dope waterbeds. | ||
| Just go to waterbeds and stuff. | ||
| They have those ones with fish in them now and shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Bunch of fucking fish shitting over your head. | ||
| Dope waterbeds. | ||
| Dopewaterbeds.com Doesn't have much. | ||
| Waterbeds and stuff has it. | ||
| Alternative to waterbeds. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Waterbed suggestions. | ||
| Waterbeds still making waves in Google News. | ||
| Oh, that was clever how they said that. | ||
| Waterbeds still making waves. | ||
| On my recent trip to Florida. | ||
| Of course, Florida. | ||
| I picked up the Sarasota Herald Tribune one day and started to flip through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I stopped at a... | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| You're boring the piss out of me, you shitty writer. | ||
| Fucking dummy. | ||
| What if it was the guy who was narrating the magma thing? | ||
| He was like, I bought this waterbed. | ||
| There's a guy named Waterbed who's on Twitter. | ||
| Or Tumblr. | ||
| Oh, it's Waterbeds on Tumblr. | ||
| Yeah, so they still make them. | ||
| And they have what you were talking about, Justin. | ||
| It looks like with the foam on top. | ||
| Yeah, the Tempur-Pedic. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But see how it has all those layers to it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's how they do it these days. | ||
| Just like the Earth's crust. | ||
| Oh no, back to Yellowstone. | ||
| We're going to die. | ||
| That does look like waterbeds and magma. | ||
| Dude, what if this shit is awesome now? | ||
| I would like to try one out. | ||
| I want to try a Tempur-Pedic waterbed. | ||
| It's like sleeping in a little hot pocket, like a little sandwich. | ||
| That probably would be pretty good. | ||
| It's the warmth of the waterbed that's really awesome. | ||
| Especially when you live in a cold place. | ||
| I was in Chicago one weekend and then New York last weekend. | ||
| God damn, you appreciate LA when you get back from that. | ||
| Isn't it amazing what we don't have to deal with? | ||
| Yeah, you don't have to like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| ...freeze or eat your grandma's butt, you know? | ||
| But, here's the... | ||
| Grandma's butt with a spoon. | ||
| Like those fucking poor people in that movie. | ||
| No, she's dead. | ||
| Nom, nom, nom. | ||
| Alive. | ||
| That movie where they were trapped in the mountains and they ate it with a spoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Alive. | ||
| It was the soccer team, wasn't it? | ||
| Just ass cheeks out with a spoon and ate it. | ||
| Hey, times are tough. | ||
| You gotta eat that ass. | ||
| Gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a good movie. | |
| You know the thing about those warm climates, though, as opposed to cold climates? | ||
| Cold climates develop cooler people. | ||
| Goddammit, I hate saying it, but it's fucking true. | ||
| There's something about those cold climates that, like, people, they develop more character. | ||
| Yeah, well, it kind of makes them human. | ||
| Like, they're all in it together. | ||
| They all know it sucks. | ||
| So they're like, why are we gonna... | ||
| It's like, here, I think it's warm, it's always nice, so I think people just... | ||
| Numb to it. | ||
| Everyone's just a dick. | ||
| Everyone's just an asshole. | ||
| I think we live in a very medicated city, too. | ||
| I don't know what the actual numbers are. | ||
| I smell weed everywhere I go. | ||
| Not that way, man. | ||
| The other kind. | ||
| That's the good medicated. | ||
| I'm such a hypocrite. | ||
| I'm like, people are just doing drugs all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everywhere. | |
| They're just doing all these paraphernalias. | ||
| They're all just escaping reality. | ||
| Oh, everyone. | ||
| Bunch of weak bitches. | ||
| Each and every one of them. | ||
| You're talking pills. | ||
| There's fucking people who are weak, dude. | ||
| They can't do it in reality. | ||
| Everyone's just trying to escape. | ||
| This is a Xanax and antidepressant city. | ||
| Okay, game on. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| It's a Xanax and antidepressant culture. | ||
| We need a little snow to shovel. | ||
| It wouldn't hurt any of us. | ||
| It's one of those things where I hear that... | ||
| Every day I hear Xanax or I hear Valium or I hear... | ||
| What's the upper one? | ||
| Methys? | ||
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Methys? | |
| Adderall. | ||
| Adderall, that one. | ||
| I like a really good game of crazy or on meth. | ||
| I think that's a good street game I play with myself. | ||
| You just see people now who are just like... | ||
| And you're just like, what is going on? | ||
| And you're like, oh, they're on meth. | ||
| I'm seeing a lot of women on meth now lately. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like young girls, especially on Sunset. | ||
| Who starts meth in 2014? | ||
| Amateurs. | ||
| Who's like? | ||
| People that can't afford cocaine. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Or is it people like, man, I don't believe the hype? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, there was a story on it... | ||
| There's a guy in Hollywood who does a thing like it's a Hollywood night angel program or something because a lot of kids in Hollywood who move out here and they're homeless and their dreams aren't working out, whatever. | ||
| They just start doing it and this guy goes around and helps them, gives them shoes, all that kind of stuff. | ||
| It's a huge epidemic in Hollywood, and I'm pretty sure everywhere else, but I could never do that. | ||
| I could never do that or heroin or any of that stuff. | ||
| It's a huge epidemic all over the country, meth. | ||
| Meth is a big one. | ||
| It's a weird one, too, because it's kind of like universally accepted as being bad, but yet it's everywhere. | ||
| You had a show about it, you know? | ||
| It's like kind of glorifying it in a weird way. | ||
| Almost, right? | ||
| It was a little bit. | ||
| It was a great show. | ||
| Don't say it. | ||
| In order to make an effective piece of fiction, you've got to make it a little crazy and exciting. | ||
| But the weird thing about meth is it's so goddamn popular that they decided to make fake versions of meth and call them bath salts and sell that. | ||
| Is that still a thing? | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's still a thing. | ||
| Bath salts are? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| You know why? | ||
| Because there's so many different ways they can sell things. | ||
| They can change so many different aspects of whatever the illegal drug is. | ||
| Like add an oxygen molecule, add phosphorus or whatever the fuck. | ||
| It's like a cocktail kind of thing. | ||
| Yeah, they can add things and twist things. | ||
| Like say if, you know, you have a very specific drug, like you have a new thing that you created called Donk. | ||
| You know, oh man, the dudes are doing Donk, man. | ||
| Donk fucks you up. | ||
| And donk is, you know, whatever the chemical composition for donk is. | ||
| If they just add, and then the government makes donk illegal, if you just add an oxygen molecule to donk, even though it still fucks you up beyond repair, it's not donk anymore. | ||
| Because now it's got this other thing. | ||
| So chemically speaking, it's a different thing. | ||
| It's dank. | ||
| So it becomes legal, and then you say, not for human consumption. | ||
| And you sell it like bath salts. | ||
| So that's essentially what they did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A donk. | |
| But bath salts aren't over-the-counter, though, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They are over-the-counter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They used to sell them at gas stations. | ||
| What? | ||
| Used to be able to buy them at 7-Elevens. | ||
| No, I shouldn't say 7-Elevens. | ||
| I should say convenience stores. | ||
| I don't think actual... | ||
| Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure 7-Eleven never came out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, is that that... | |
| But convenience stores, like head shops... | ||
| That synthesized... | ||
| Stuff? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, what you're thinking of is, I don't know if you're thinking of the synthesizer, you're thinking about fake weed? | ||
| Yeah, it's fake weed, right? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Fake weed is just fake weed. | ||
| It's just glass. | ||
| And there's some fake weed that has like some psychoactive effect apparently, but it doesn't feel like weed and it's really shitty, like spice or whatever the fuck that stuff is. | ||
| Yeah, fake weed is horrible. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| Like a lot of hospitals are getting filled from people taking it. | ||
| Because you can like, it messes with your head. | ||
| I've taken some fake weed before. | ||
| Meanwhile, by the way, there's a fucking story that's on the internet about a woman in the UK that died from cannabis poisoning. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| The idea that she's the first person to ever die from weed ever. | ||
| I don't know what fucking newspaper. | ||
| It's like the Daily Mail. | ||
| Here, I'll pull it up. | ||
| Woman dies from weed. | ||
| Yeah, supposedly she overdosed. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| It's not possible. | ||
| She overdosed on... | ||
| Where is she? | ||
| In Canada? | ||
| How old was she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was younger. | |
| She was cute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't find much in her system, though, or something. | |
| Well, it's not true. | ||
| She had a heart attack. | ||
| She had moderate doses of marijuana in her system, and she had a heart attack. | ||
| It's not that weed killed her. | ||
| Who knows what killed her? | ||
| She could have had some sort of an issue with her heart. | ||
| Who knows what it was? | ||
| But marijuana takes... | ||
| When they test a drug, like say if it's acid or LSD or mushrooms or MDMA, they have a thing called the LD50. And the LD50 is lethal dose for 50% of the population. | ||
| So say if they gave all of us in this room 1,000 milligrams, whatever the fuck it is, if it kills two of us, That's LD50. That's the dosage that, like, 50% of the people are gonna fucking die. | ||
| This is pretty bad stuff. | ||
| It doesn't kill everybody. | ||
| Like, you'd probably give Joey Diaz enough to kill all of us combined, and he would survive. | ||
| You know, so it doesn't work on everybody. | ||
| Phoenix out of the ashes. | ||
| But if you gave, like, little Esther half of what would kill us, it would kill her. | ||
| A cookie, yeah. | ||
| So lethal dose at 50% of the population. | ||
| For marijuana, it's 1,500 pounds. | ||
| Stop and think about that. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| That's a ridiculous amount. | ||
| Let's make sure that I'm correct about that. | ||
| LD50 of marijuana. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So do you think it's this one coroner or whatever just being a retard? | ||
| Or do you think they're trying to push something? | ||
| They're just trying to make a legalization point. | ||
| No, it's just a story. | ||
| Now, why am I picturing this girl, like, naked in the snow? | ||
| Like, is that, I don't know, like, did she smoke and, like, wander out into the field and die? | ||
| Or, like, where was she, in her apartment? | ||
| Where was she? | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| A smoker, okay. | ||
| A marijuana smoker would have to consume 20,000 to 40,000 times as much marijuana as is contained in one marijuana cigarette. | ||
| Bullshit Canada. | ||
| A regular marijuana cigarette has approximately 0.9 grams. | ||
| A smoker would theoretically have to consume nearly 1,500 pounds of marijuana within 15 minutes to produce a lethal response. | ||
| It's one o'clock now. | ||
| Should we start? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I have shit to do today. | ||
| I'm busy. | ||
| That's an all-day experience. | ||
| One thing you can't do is smoke 1,500 pounds of marijuana and then get shit done. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| You'd just be on Facebook all life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd just be one pound. | |
| What's fucked is that you could smoke 1,300 pounds of marijuana in 15 minutes. | ||
| It'd be fine. | ||
| That's what everyone's missing here. | ||
| Like, if the LD50 is 1,500 pounds, we could probably, each one of us, smoke 1,000 pounds safely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We would shut down every Carl's Jr. Oh my god, you would shut down every cell in your body. | |
| You would probably transcend space and time and become a god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You probably would. | ||
| You would be David Koresh. | ||
| You would probably have a whole new perspective on all these guys. | ||
| Time travel. | ||
| They were just a little off. | ||
| They were a little off. | ||
| The guys who cut their dicks off down in San Diego with the purple sneakers on. | ||
| Remember those guys? | ||
| Yeah, the Kool-Aid guys. | ||
| Just a little off. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Those were the South American guys. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Wrong guys. | ||
| Where was David Koresh? | ||
| No, Jim Jones was in Guyana, right? | ||
| Jonesboro. | ||
| Guyana tragedy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Jonestown. | ||
| Jonestown. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that was Guyana, which is South America, right? | ||
| Guyana, isn't it? | ||
| Either way, 1,500 pounds. | ||
| So, shut the fuck up. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| All those people that said that the woman died of cannabis poisoning, she did not. | ||
| She died a fool. | ||
| And you know that had to hit every single local news station. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| So all your moms and everyone thinks that. | ||
| Look, there's a girl. | ||
| Do you want to be number two? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you want to be the second child to die and leave your mother childless? | |
| I raised you. | ||
| You called to me from another dimension. | ||
| I brought you into this existence and I didn't do it so you could be a fucking pothead! | ||
| You called me from another dimension. | ||
| You're coming with mama to church! | ||
| Come on, let's pray. | ||
| Let's pray. | ||
| My lips are vibrating. | ||
| I want to cry. | ||
| It makes my lips itch. | ||
| There's so many dumb fucks in this world. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Whoever put that story out, every one of them should be sued. | ||
| You should be sued for fraud. | ||
| You should be sued for misrepresenting the facts. | ||
| You should be sued... | ||
| Actually, you shouldn't really be sued. | ||
| Someone should yell at you, though. | ||
| I don't want anybody sued. | ||
| I don't want anybody being dragged into the legal system, even for something that's stupid. | ||
| But it is... | ||
| Dumb as fuck! | ||
| There are dumb people. | ||
| Remember that fire a week ago? | ||
| The one over in Glendora? | ||
| Yeah, so this is my favorite dumb story for the past week. | ||
| I was outside and I was like, oh, look at the sky because it was turning the sky pink. | ||
| It was kind of really nice. | ||
| And this girl was like, what's going on with the sky? | ||
| And I was like, oh, there's a fire in Glendora. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, oh, oh, I thought it was like another sunrise. | |
| And I was like, what? | ||
| I just looked at her and was like, what? | ||
| She's like, yeah, I thought the sun was rising again. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, because we live on Pandora. | ||
| You dumb, dumb bitch. | ||
| God, I've never wanted to just rip out a throat and just say, fatality, you know, more in my life. | ||
| There's a problem with the world, is that you making fun of this one girl, someone could say, Justin Martindale, you hate women. | ||
| I don't hate women. | ||
| I love women. | ||
| I adore women. | ||
| I am America's gay best friend. | ||
| Isn't that a tricky thing, though? | ||
| Isn't that a tricky thing? | ||
| Like, if you bash any woman... | ||
| Oh, I've been told on stage that they're like, oh, you just have woman issues. | ||
| I'm like, no, I don't. | ||
| I love women. | ||
| Dumb bitch issues. | ||
| I think anybody can be a dumb bitch, though. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Or a dumb cunt. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| If you make fun of men, nobody ever accuses you of hating men. | ||
| Is that a weird thing? | ||
| You make fun of the dumbest fucking guys ever. | ||
| No one assumes you're talking about the entire gender. | ||
| I think everybody just knows that guys are stupid. | ||
| Guys are stupid. | ||
| Women are stupid. | ||
| Everyone is stupid. | ||
| Can we all just be on board and be stupid? | ||
| Yeah, most of us are stupid a good chunk of the time. | ||
| There's plenty of evidence of me being stupid just online. | ||
| You can find it. | ||
| It's there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Maybe it's just an L.A. thing. | ||
| I find myself around town and I listen to what people are talking about. | ||
| Someone will say something and I'm very vocal about it. | ||
| I'll just look and just be like, ugh! | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| God. | ||
| That's a stereotypical bitchy gay guy. | ||
| No, but it's not bitchy. | ||
| That's not bitchy? | ||
| I'm an intelligent... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's wrong with you? | |
| That is bitchy defined. | ||
| You sound like Ari. | ||
| That's why he's my friend. | ||
| Ari's the same way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, you were such a bitch. | |
| You just don't want to look at yourself objectively. | ||
| No, I do. | ||
| I do it every day. | ||
| Maybe that's a little bitchy. | ||
| I can be a little bitchy, but when somebody says something stupid, I'm going to call it out. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think I'm just being very blunt. | ||
| If that makes me bitchy, then fine. | ||
| Well, it's a good thing to do occasionally, but it's also a good thing to just internalize and laugh at. | ||
| Yeah, I do that too. | ||
| You could have two different reactions. | ||
| And you could be around someone who's saying really annoying shit and just focus on it and get fucking crazy and go, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Or you could just go... | ||
| Yeah, sometimes I'll sit back and laugh at it just because it is pretty amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Human folly is some of the funniest shit. | ||
| It's been around forever. | ||
| We were talking about Kenny Powers yesterday, how funny that character is, because it's so subtle and close to reality. | ||
| Almost David Koresh-like, in a way. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why it's so funny, because human hubris and folly, and people just being dumbasses, Some of the most amusing stuff for us. | ||
| Because we can relate. | ||
| I think especially now with technology, I just think everyone's just a little brain dead inside now. | ||
| It's like everyone's on their phones, everyone's... | ||
| I look around, I'll go to a restaurant or something, and I'll see a whole family on their phone, and it just blows my mind. | ||
| I'm just like, wow. | ||
| I'll see kids. | ||
| I'll see three-year-olds with iPads and iPhone 5s and stuff, and I'm just like, whoa. | ||
| Did you see that history and pictures thing that was going around the internet a couple of days ago with all the people on the train with their newspapers in front of them? | ||
| That was amazing. | ||
| Wasn't it beautiful? | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| The caption was something like, technology is making us antisocial. | ||
| And then it showed all these people from the black and white 1930s or some shit. | ||
| And everyone's got a paper in front of their face. | ||
| And now everyone's got a phone. | ||
| How fucked must it have been back then to get your news from some stupid piece of paper that William Randolph Hearst edited? | ||
| I mean, that's how marijuana became illegal in the first place, because William Randolph Hearst got a hold of this idea to stop marijuana, stop hemp production from being made after they invented a thing called the decorticator. | ||
| I mean, William Randolph Hearst, who ran the fucking newspapers, these people right here, they're probably reading 80% bullshit. | ||
| They're like, hmm, well, the New York Times today, I read it. | ||
| So hard to get information back then. | ||
| I read it for Beto Bailey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those fucking awful cartoons. | |
| Remember how bad? | ||
| They were so unfunny. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Like Family Circus? | ||
| Like the funny pages? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would read them and go, this is dog shit. | |
| There's never been a worse version of the comedy arts. | ||
| There's never been a worse depiction of the comedy arts manifested in a final product than cartoons. | ||
| The funny pages. | ||
| Like Annie and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kathy? | |
| Remember Kathy? | ||
| I'm fat and lonely. | ||
| Doonesbury. | ||
| Doonesbury fucking sucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was the one? | |
| People were like, oh, you gotta watch Doonesbury. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Who's bitchy now? | ||
| You can't make it funny. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| Every now and then, you know when they were funny? | ||
| It was funny when he was making fun of Hunter S. Thompson in the 70s. | ||
| Or like Marmaduke. | ||
| Yeah, Marmaduke. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here with Marmaduke. | ||
| Somebody didn't just pay for Marmaduke. | ||
| Somebody made millions off of Marmaduke. | ||
| What was that one? | ||
| I love the far side, though. | ||
| The far side was great. | ||
| Calvin and Hobbes was kind of... | ||
| I kind of got into that one. | ||
| What was the one with the guy with the glasses? | ||
| Predator. | ||
| Sexual Predator. | ||
| No, a famous one. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Gilbert? | ||
| Dilbert? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dilbert. | |
| Yeah, Dilbert. | ||
| Scott, what was his name? | ||
| He worked in the office. | ||
| I never read that. | ||
| He did an episode of News Radio. | ||
| The guy who was the creator of Dilbert. | ||
| He was the little fat guy, right? | ||
| With the glasses. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I don't know why I'm doing this. | ||
| Why did you do this? | ||
| He was like a little Humpty Dumpty. | ||
| He's a DJ. He's a double turntable mixer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you like DJs, Joe? | ||
| I don't really like electronic music that much. | ||
| It's not really my thing. | ||
| I know the gays are really into electronic music. | ||
| No, don't. | ||
| You're just penning us up. | ||
| You're putting us in a category. | ||
| Garfield. | ||
| No, but they were saying that... | ||
| Have you ever done poppers? | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| Like, a lot of them? | ||
| No. | ||
| Why did you do poppers? | ||
| Because you gotta try shit. | ||
| That's a gay thing, right? | ||
| No, it's a thing. | ||
| Straight guys don't do poppers. | ||
| You know what it is, though? | ||
| It's like, it's just a... | ||
| Well, they don't? | ||
| Just jalapeno. | ||
| Yeah, I do jalapeno poppers. | ||
| Just jalapeno poppers? | ||
| For people who don't understand what you're talking about, for non-drug users, poppers are alien. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I'm not a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so junkie now. | |
| No, but he's saying poppers like everybody knows what the fuck poppers are. | ||
| You gotta explain to people. | ||
| Well, it's like... | ||
| Well, pretty much what it is, is it's VCR head cleaner. | ||
| And it's like, if you go into any shop, like a sex shop, or like a, like, yeah, like if you go into like, I won't even say, I don't know if I can name businesses, but like any sort of like novelty sex store or something like that, they will have at the very front case, they'll have these little vials. | ||
| And sometimes they'll be like, oh, VCR cleaner. | ||
| Because we all know, we all still own VCRs. | ||
| So it's bath salts, essentially. | ||
| No, it's not bath salts. | ||
| But it's the same sort of a thing, where you make something illegal, because you say it's not for personal consumption. | ||
| Right, absolutely, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| It's like, yeah, it's a cleaner, or sometimes it'll have a nickname to it, like Jungle Juice, or something stupid. | ||
| And what it is, is like... | ||
| I've done it, I did it like once or twice, but it's one of those things where it's like you do it and it's like there's this crazy head rush and your body just gets like really, really hot. | ||
| And it only lasts for like 10 seconds. | ||
| I compare it to like whippets. | ||
| If you've ever done whippets, it's like that. | ||
| Okay, so is this actual amyl nitrate or is this just some other kind of head rush that you're getting? | ||
| They say it loosens up your butt, and I don't know about that, because I'm a top. | ||
| You have very specific rules. | ||
| Do you start out a top, or is it like you're an open-miker, you work your way up to being a middle act? | ||
| Dude, I'm topping tonight. | ||
| Oh, badass. | ||
| I got a tight 30. A tight 30. No, I don't know. | ||
| I just don't like things up my butt. | ||
| But some dudes do. | ||
| Yeah, some do. | ||
| And that's what I'm there for. | ||
| That's what it's all about. | ||
| Life is all about finding people who want what you need to give them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what life's all about. | ||
| I help people out. | ||
| My friend Chuck, he had this girl that he was dating, and all she wanted to do was suck his dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, it's a dude. | ||
| You probably have a dude that's pretending to be a girl. | ||
| He's like, no, man. | ||
| I mean, we had sex a couple times. | ||
| He goes, but her favorite thing was to just suck my dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, that's so weird. | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| After a while, I was kind of like, I was like, come on, let's have sex. | ||
| She's like, no, no, no. | ||
| I just want to suck your dick. | ||
| And I was like, did her pussy smell or something? | ||
| He's like, no, no, no. | ||
| She goes, she was just weird. | ||
| She said she got more satisfaction out of sucking dick than she did out of... | ||
| Actually having sex. | ||
| Yeah, we're all crazy bitches. | ||
| There's weirdos out there like that. | ||
| There's so many. | ||
| I mean, have you ever talked to Dan Savage? | ||
| Dan Savage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, I know who he is, though. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I love that guy to death. | ||
| I would just love... | ||
| He's like a sex advice guy, right? | ||
| He's just the coolest dude ever. | ||
| I mean, I would love to just, like... | ||
| Sit down with him and just... | ||
| Brunch. | ||
| Just be like... | ||
| Because I think he's one of those guys who takes it to that next level. | ||
| What's... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I'm not really familiar with him. | ||
| I just know his name. | ||
| Like, the whole, like, gay rights. | ||
| He's, like, a huge... | ||
| Like, he's the It Gets Better guy. | ||
| Like, he... | ||
| You know, he's, like, a big campaign for, like, the LGBT movement and, like, equality and... | ||
| He's just one of those guys. | ||
| He's the guy who coined Santorum, Rick Santorum, when he was an asshole or whatever. | ||
| He compared Santorum to a frothy anal leakage, whatever. | ||
| He coined the phrase Santorum and named it after Rick Santorum. | ||
| That kind of stuff. | ||
| I was like, I love that stuff. | ||
| That Santorum guy, a lot of people, I went after that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's just so many of them. | ||
| Did you see the whole, like, the Coca-Cola thing? | ||
| Did you, the Super Bowl commercial with that? | ||
| What? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They did this Super Bowl commercial where they played America the Beautiful and they sang America the Beautiful and did it in different languages. | ||
| They did it in Spanish, they did it in, like, Hindu, they did it in, like, you know, all these different languages because that's what America is. | ||
| And you get all these crazy people who are just like, this is my country! | ||
| I'm drinking Pepsi now! | ||
| Hashtag fuck coke! | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I actually did see that. | ||
| It's embarrassing. | ||
| I mean, I'm just like, you have all these people, and then there was like a gay couple in the commercial, and everyone's like... | ||
| Oh, I'm not drinking that fag coke now. | ||
| It's like, God. | ||
| But that's what I was going to say. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| You threw those together, and you're right to do so. | ||
| It's all intolerance. | ||
| It's all intolerance and ignorance. | ||
| The language intolerance is just as bad as the homophobia. | ||
| It's just as bad as the racism. | ||
| It's just as bad as the nationalism. | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| It's just dumbasses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're right to throw them in together. | ||
| That's an important distinction. | ||
| Because it really is the same. | ||
| It's just idiots. | ||
| It's really the same. | ||
| What was the... | ||
| There was something else, too. | ||
| It was my country. | ||
| You ain't allowed to speak no Espanol. | ||
| Oh, it just pissed me off. | ||
| That whole... | ||
| The whole Grammys wedding, too. | ||
| That whole thing. | ||
| I actually knew one of the guys in the... | ||
| Who got married at the Grammys. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| There was like... | ||
| They did the Macklemore Same Love song for the Grammys. | ||
| And like, Queen Latifah came out on stage... | ||
| Like, she actually just walked out. | ||
| She didn't, like, come out. | ||
| But she came out on stage, and she is a minister. | ||
| And she married, like, 32 couples, gay and straight. | ||
| It was just marriage, just supporting equality and love. | ||
| And then, you know, it was actually really nice. | ||
| You just, like, cuts to, like, who was it? | ||
| I'm trying to remember who it was. | ||
| Oh, it was, like, Keith Urban just crying, just bawling. | ||
| And I was like, oh, look at him. | ||
| Look at that little guy. | ||
| And, um... | ||
| Immediately to Twitter, they were like, oh, the Grammys were great until the Fags got married. | ||
| I'm like, my God! | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Is it bothering you that much that you have to take it to Twitter and hope that someone... | ||
| And now Twitter's doing it, too, and I think social media, too. | ||
| They're taking the most offensive tweets from people and displaying them, showing the ignorance. | ||
| It's like that lady who... | ||
| Who's doing that? | ||
| There's just like websites and stuff now that are not like buzzfeed and they're just like look at these are the reactions from like horrible people. | ||
| Twitter's not doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no. | |
| It's like that one chick who was like the She was like a head of a company or something and she flew to Africa. | ||
| And she was like, she's from South Africa. | ||
| She's like, well, go on to Africa. | ||
| I hope I don't get AIDS. JK, I'm white. | ||
| And it's like, why would you do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's probably on a Xanax and she had a glass of wine. | ||
| She's from South Africa, flying to South Africa. | ||
| She's flying to her hometown and she's in America with this like head of something. | ||
| She was like some executive of some company. | ||
| And they're like, well, you got fired there. | ||
| Sorry about it. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| If she was Ari Shafir, I'd have been fine. | ||
| You know, that's something Ari would have said. | ||
| Yeah, no one would have cared. | ||
| Ari's probably upset. | ||
| I should have come up with that on my own. | ||
| I wish I went to Africa before her. | ||
| I would have definitely said something worse. | ||
| I totally should have done that joke. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's silly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's silly for her to do it, but it's also silly for people to get upset. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| She's obviously joking. | ||
| She's probably fucked up. | ||
| Maybe she's good at her job, and they're going to fire her just because she said that. | ||
| She's on that bath salts. | ||
| She said she was funny. | ||
| She got a little Xanax in her system, had a couple of cocktails, thought she was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LOL! I can't wait till I land in Africa and see my tweets! | |
| OMG! Am I right, ladies? | ||
| I think it's so fun. | ||
| I'm fired? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no, how do I eat? | |
| How do I eat? | ||
| How do I eat now? | ||
| Yeah, I'm disturbed that the amount of intolerance in this country is still at the level that it's at. | ||
| But I feel like we're at a turning point. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I feel like there's a tipping point. | ||
| There's going to be a lot of stupidity that comes along with the tipping point, like massive oversensitivity, massive overreactions to things, especially when people are joking around about things. | ||
| Apologize! | ||
| You need to apologize! | ||
| Yeah, but ultimately I think like the climate is way different people way more sensitive to things now than they were Just a few decades ago definitely more than even really even more than just a few years ago, you know, it's It's changed changed quite a bit and I think a lot of that is just the exposure to different people on the internet and when people Yeah. | ||
| other in real life. | ||
| But then you start to do it online, you realize, "This is just a bunch of fucking people." Yeah. | ||
| Just people are people. | ||
| Hiding behind the internet. | ||
| Yeah, and the idea that you can generalize just on sight unseen, just looking at someone or just knowing their lifestyle, you can generalize what kind of a person they are, that's unbelievably ridiculous because you can't do that with straight people. | ||
| Are all straight people great? | ||
| Okay, what about all the straight serial killers? | ||
| What about all the straight rapists? | ||
| What about all the straight thieves? | ||
| No, you can't take Team Straight, because Team Straight's filled with douchebags. | ||
| So what team are you on? | ||
| You're on Team People, fuckface. | ||
| I'm on Team People. | ||
| I'm on Team People. | ||
| Includes gay, straight, black, white, Filipino, Chinese. | ||
| I hang out with mostly straight people. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I actually feel lucky because I'm like, wow, I remember when I first started doing stand-up, people were like... | ||
| I'm just going to do an Ari voice. | ||
| Might as well, because it was him. | ||
| He's like, oh, so are you going to like, are you going to like, try and fuck me? | ||
| I'm like, you're a six. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| You're like a, you're an LA six. | ||
| You're like a, you're like a North Dakota negative three. | ||
| Like, um. | ||
| Negative three and he's worth less in North Dakota? | ||
| Yeah, probably so. | ||
| Why's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's more valuable in LA? Yeah, he's more valuable in LA. Keep him here. | |
| But, uh. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's the Jew thing. | ||
| It's the Jew thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| I love Ari. | ||
| That can't be right. | ||
| But he was one of those guys... | ||
| Not necessarily that it was giving me a hard time, but it was just... | ||
| He was being funny! | ||
| But I entered into this boys club. | ||
| It was one of those things where people were very weird. | ||
| They didn't know what to do with me. | ||
| And so I had to just kind of... | ||
| Just show them that I'm just me. | ||
| Do you ever worry? | ||
| Sorry to interrupt you. | ||
| Do you ever worry when you're meeting people and they find out you're gay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not at all. | |
| Are you going to get a negative reaction? | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think it's the same thing. | ||
| It's like, oh, you like MMA? Okay, well, I'm going to go. | ||
| You know, it's like, not that that's the same thing, but it's one of those things I'm like, what I like is when I get off stage, it's like, I get guys, I'll get like the Bro dudes who are just like, oh man, that was funny. | ||
| Do you want to fuck you? | ||
| No. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But it's one of those things where I'm like, okay, then I've done my job. | ||
| I get girls, I get guys, I get couples. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| It's nice to be a part of that. | ||
| What you're saying is that someone who has a problem with you being gay, who gives a fuck? | ||
| You want to talk to them in the first place, right? | ||
| Oh, you have a problem with You know, a black comic, or you have a problem with a Jew comic, or a female comic, or, you know, whatever. | ||
| It's like, you just have a problem, you just need to go home and look at yourself in the mirror and take a nice hot bath and listen to some Sade. | ||
| Do you find the comics, like, are more accepting than regular people, like, generally? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I... I... I don't know. | ||
| There's a lot of ego involved, you know what I mean? | ||
| Comedy? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of ego involved. | ||
| So it just depends, you know? | ||
| Yeah, he's getting laughs, but it's because he's all gay. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then you have those comics who, I mean, I remember, I've been brought up to, like, on stage before, like, all right, you guys ready? | ||
| This next guy's a fag comic. | ||
| I'm like, what the hell? | ||
| I've had that with some dude. | ||
| No, it was a Tony. | ||
| No, I'd squash him. | ||
| Was he trying to be funny? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| This was like... | ||
| This wasn't even at the store or the factory. | ||
| This was like... | ||
| Are you sure you didn't have a popper and tell them to say that? | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, hey, can you bring me up to this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lightheaded. | |
| Hanging out with werewolves. | ||
| Crumpled teeth. | ||
| Running naked in the woods in Canada. | ||
| Oh, God, that was, yeah, it's very more accepting. | ||
| And I think that's, as a community, I think it's way more accepting. | ||
| I grew up very religious, and it was, I really lucked out, really lucked out, really lucked out. | ||
| You lucked out growing up religious? | ||
| No, I lucked out with a cool family and cool friends, and like, I never, you know, I never got bullied. | ||
| I mean, I got called names and stuff, but I never got into like a physical fight with anybody. | ||
| Were you always out? | ||
| No. | ||
| When did you come out? | ||
| The first time? | ||
| God, it was, I think, 19. I think it was 19. And then I went back in. | ||
| You went back in? | ||
| Yeah, and then I came out. | ||
| It was like four or five times. | ||
| There was a bye phase. | ||
| What is that like when you want to go back in? | ||
| So you come out and then you go back in. | ||
| Is it because you're embarrassed? | ||
| Well, I got outed by somebody. | ||
| You got outed by someone that you had sex with? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Actually, yeah. | ||
| And then got caught by somebody. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then... | ||
| So... | ||
| Why is this so funny? | ||
| I've just never really told this story before. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it. | |
| No, I mean, it's fine. | ||
| It's whatever shit. | ||
| It's therapy. | ||
| I don't want to be like the... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I just don't want to be the pressure guy. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But it's just funny. | ||
| Now I'm thinking about it. | ||
| I was like, God, I was such an asshole. | ||
| Like, I'm still dating this girl. | ||
| We never broke up. | ||
| She could be married with kids now. | ||
| We're still technically dating. | ||
| How can you be technically dating? | ||
| Well, I was with this girl and then we like... | ||
| You know, I had one of those weeks where I was like, what are these feelings? | ||
| And, you know, hooked up with this guy who I was friends with, and, like, my roommate walked in and was like, bleh! | ||
| And I'm like, bleh! | ||
| And then... | ||
| Your roommate had no idea you were gay? | ||
| Well, I mean, everyone did, and then, like, so it got around, it spread like wildfire. | ||
| I mean, it got to Europe. | ||
| When you say, like, the roommate walked in, like, what exactly were you engaged in when the roommate opened the door? | ||
| I was under the covers. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| So you were under the covers. | ||
| I didn't see the roommate. | ||
| The roommate told me. | ||
| The dude was cross-eyed like that. | ||
| And he's holding out to the covers. | ||
| And you're underneath it. | ||
| There's a lot of wiggling. | ||
| You have an imagination, Joe. | ||
| His toes are poking at the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His toes at the end of the bed. | |
| White knuckled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| That's right. | ||
| They call me the Destroyer. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah, and then it spread. | ||
| I mean, it went to Europe. | ||
| The rumor? | ||
| The rumor went to Europe. | ||
| There was like a school abroad program, and someone sent a postcard and was like... | ||
| It's what they're saying about Justin True. | ||
| I was like, Jesus, it was like a Stonehenge postcard. | ||
| I'm like, enjoy Stonehenge. | ||
| Don't worry about me. | ||
| Yeah, but you care. | ||
| I mean, this was back, this was like the early 2000s, so it was like, it was a different time, but at the same time, it was, I didn't have to worry about like, you know, I feel bad for kids today with like, the cyberbullying and the, I mean, even YouTube comments. | ||
| Like, I have stuff online, like, You know, from the laugh actor or whatever, and it'll be like, you'll have that one that's just like, fag, kill yourself. | ||
| I'm like, God, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I'm like, no, you kill yourself, buddy. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, when you're 19 years old, it's hard to figure out who the fuck you even are. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I tried to take on a bunch of different roles when I was 19 years old. | ||
| I tried to pretend I was different things. | ||
| I tried to... | ||
| I remember I decided I was going to be a carpenter. | ||
| I fucking hated carpentry. | ||
| I did it for like a week. | ||
| I was like, what am I doing? | ||
| That's not what I want to do. | ||
| I'm pretending this is what I want to do for a living. | ||
| I don't want to do this for a living. | ||
| I need to figure out, you know, but I couldn't imagine what it would be like to, like, want to be something that you're not, or not want people to know who you are. | ||
| It was one of those things, and I didn't have like a, my family would never really, like, talked about sex. | ||
| And I grew up in Texas, and it was one of those. | ||
| What part? | ||
| San Antonio. | ||
| And, um, I just remember, it was very religious, like, we didn't talk about masturbation, it was always like, you know, it was like, sex ed was all about, like, put a condom on and, like, everyone giggled and, like, you know, it was, uh, I think my sex talk even was, like, My mom just being like, no, a guy puts his penis in a vagina and it feels real good. | ||
| Alright, mama's gotta go. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I was just like, what the hell did she just say? | ||
| You see my cigarettes? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, she didn't smoke. | ||
| She smoked pot, but she didn't smoke cigarettes. | ||
| Your mom smoked pot? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She's a cool mom. | ||
| Always? | ||
| Even when you were young? | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| There's stories that I hear about my mom recently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Like, she's 5'2". | ||
| I'm like 6'3". | ||
| And so, like... | ||
| Fucking giant... | ||
| Giant fetus just growing in that waterbed. | ||
| The giant must have banged her. | ||
| How big's your dad? | ||
| Yeah, 6'3". | ||
| Yeah, 6'3", 6'4". | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Big fucking corn-fed man. | ||
| Italian corn-fed pastrami. | ||
| Making him a Martindale! | ||
| And then I just swam, just... | ||
| Move, bitches! | ||
| You got brothers and sisters? | ||
| Uh-huh, I got two brothers and a sister, yeah. | ||
| How many of them are gay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
None. | |
| Zero? | ||
| None, yeah. | ||
| How many of them are borderline? | ||
| How many of them could be persuaded? | ||
| I don't think they could be persuaded. | ||
| I mean, one of them was in the military, so I don't know the shit that he saw. | ||
| But I wouldn't think so. | ||
| There's a lot of gay sex in the military? | ||
| You know, I think I'm not going to answer that like with a yes or no. | ||
| I just think that a lot of people will do things when they're away. | ||
| Okay, right now, people in Afghanistan are fucking taking off their headphones, throwing them on the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it! | |
| I'm done with this fucking hippie podcast! | ||
| I'm not over here sucking cock! | ||
| I don't care what the fuck Justin Martindale says! | ||
| I'm over here fighting for freedom! | ||
| I know, my brother was in Kuwait. | ||
| My brother drove a tank. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| I respect the military. | ||
| Dick sick, suck suck suck. | ||
| No, he didn't say that. | ||
| He told me that he almost got shot by a woman. | ||
| Like crazy stuff. | ||
| We didn't talk for a while. | ||
| A woman soldier? | ||
| She was dressed in civilian clothes and she pulled out a gun and his friend saw it and shot her in the head and saved his life. | ||
| I'm very grateful for that friend. | ||
| I couldn't imagine that. | ||
| It's messed up. | ||
| I applaud you guys over there for doing that because I cannot do that, especially with this hair. | ||
| Your hair's too good for Iraq. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| I would cry like a little bitch. | ||
| You would cry like a little bitch if you had to deal with the war? | ||
| Yeah, war and shaving my head. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| I'd go crazy. | ||
| I'd probably kill myself. | ||
| I couldn't say that, but I couldn't do that. | ||
| That David Koresh video was enough for me because I just kept hearing the babies and the women crying in the background, and I was like, I talked to a dude who told me there's some gay shit going on on a Navy boat. | ||
| He said there was a lot of gay shit going on in boats. | ||
| A lot of semen. | ||
| Don't ask, don't tell. | ||
| They had a boat filled with men. | ||
| It's all men. | ||
| I mean, I just think guys are just sexual beings, you know? | ||
| We're not going to talk about this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you keep a secret? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you keep a secret? | |
| First of all, before you answer yes or no, I want you to look at these lips. | ||
| These are lips that have their own penis, and they understand how it works. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Now close your eyes. | ||
| Close your eyes and touch the lips. | ||
| I'm gonna fucking shave! | ||
| I'm gonna fucking shave! | ||
| I'm just the future, son! | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Feel them lips. | ||
| Let me get them all wet first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Now, feel them. | ||
| Feel it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Feel it. | |
| You're getting Justin hard. | ||
| So many... | ||
| Pretend! | ||
| Pretend it's a woman! | ||
| Close your eyes. | ||
| Do you jerk off? | ||
| With a man hand, you jerk off! | ||
| I was like, so many guys are turned on right now. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| At least three or four. | ||
| There's a lot of people listening. | ||
| There's people that get turned on for anything. | ||
| You've got nice eyes, Joe. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| They help me see. | ||
| The kind eyes. | ||
| I'm going to get you some roses for Valentine's Day. | ||
| Dude, 1-800-Flowers.com. | ||
| Click on the microphone. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| Use the code word JRE and save yourself some cash. | ||
| You're on the cover of Huffington Post right now. | ||
| Am I? Or Huffington Gay. | ||
| What? | ||
| Isn't you in that Funny or Die spoof? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Me and my buddies did a spoof on the show Looking on HBO. What's it at? | ||
| How many hits does it have? | ||
| Does it say? | ||
| My friend Drew Droege and Jason Looney, myself, my friend Jeremy, did the spoof. | ||
| If you haven't seen that show Looking, it's on HBO and it's getting a lot of heat because everyone's like, oh, this is stupid and this isn't how gay people are represented in San Francisco. | ||
| It's actually a decent show. | ||
| I went out for the pilot. | ||
| What's the best representative of gay folk? | ||
| Remember Queer as Folk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Was that good? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that was more, I think, extreme, because it showed, I mean, it was very, it was very, very, very, very sexual, and yeah, dancing, and drugs, and, but it was, the characters were great. | ||
| Hal Sparks was one of the guys on there. | ||
| Yeah, and Hal Sparks is straight, which is fascinating. | ||
| Don't do that! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Don't you make that fucking incredulous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did I do? | |
| He went, mm. | ||
| No, that's just my face. | ||
| I know what the fuck you did, son. | ||
| I know what the fuck you did. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| He is, though. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Okay, we're good here. | ||
| Enough information has been transmitted. | ||
| It's the beautiful thing about human language. | ||
| Human language has a lot of subtlety to it. | ||
| So one of the things that I find so offensive about people pretending that jokes are statements is because just there, what we did, we transferred information very clearly between each other. | ||
| And most people listening know exactly what the fuck you said, and they know that I know that you know what you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's very funny, good looking. | ||
| Very handsome. | ||
| He's into a lot of conspiracies. | ||
| Wasn't he like a 9-11 guy? | ||
| Was he? | ||
| I think. | ||
| I should be careful because I've been accused of that. | ||
| Unjustly so. | ||
| What, being a 9-11 guy? | ||
| A conspiracy theorist for 9-11. | ||
| Yeah, by a guy that I had on the podcast, and I fucking told him to his face that I don't think it's a conspiracy, and he's still writing that I think it's a conspiracy. | ||
| Is that like the Illuminati of conspiracy theorists? | ||
| No, it's just a convenient one because obviously it was a conspiracy to commit the crimes that were committed. | ||
| It was a conspiracy to fly planes into buildings, for sure. | ||
| Someone conspired, they took over airliners, they hijacked them, they flew them into buildings. | ||
| That alone, no matter who did it, Whether it was the government or whether it was Saudi Arabia, whether it was the Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, whoever did it, it was a conspiracy, 100%. | ||
| Okay, so let's just get that out of the way. | ||
| 9-11 was a conspiracy. | ||
| But the people like the guy who ran out in a post-Super Bowl interview and said, 9-11 was perpetrated by the government, those people are fucking wacky. | ||
| Oh yeah, I saw that. | ||
| Yeah, that's unnecessary. | ||
| Well, the 9-11 truthers, those people that run out, you know, the real issue with that is they don't know. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| And you're saying that. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| I don't think it was. | ||
| I think it's much more likely that what happened was the United States was attacked by a bunch of fucking psychos and... | ||
| The government took advantage of this attack in order to instigate or to initiate some plans that they already wanted to go into Iraq. | ||
| They'd wanted to go into Iraq for a long time. | ||
| There was a bunch of shit that they wanted to do. | ||
| They wanted to go into Afghanistan. | ||
| They couldn't figure out a way to justify it. | ||
| Now they had a lock-tight, justified reason for going to these places. | ||
| That's what I think happened. | ||
| Much more likely than the thousands of people kept their mouths shut about organizing this horrible crime that killed thousands of people and, you know, they made the fucking towers disappear. | ||
| My fucking pot doctor, man, gave me a book. | ||
| I'm going to bring it in because it's so ridiculous. | ||
| He gives me this book about how 9-11 the towers were destroyed using Tesla technology. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| Tesla technology? | ||
| Or like magma, like lava or something like that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Well, there's thermite is the big one. | ||
| Thermite. | ||
| You know, it cuts... | ||
| You know, they've tested positive for thermite. | ||
| But the problem is, like, when aluminum melts and all the different particles are inside these infernos, like, you're gonna get thermite-like compounds anyway. | ||
| Right, because it's just burning so hot. | ||
| Well, all that stuff that's in there, like, and there's, like, all these pictures that they point to, these girders cut, you know, you can see the line cut in the girders. | ||
| What they don't understand is that was all cut by welders to clean up the scrap. | ||
| Like, they have before and after pictures of those cuts. | ||
| There's a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding when it comes to a lot of conspiracy theories. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| A big percentage of them. | ||
| They're saying the Super Bowl was rigged, too. | ||
| Oh, it must have been. | ||
| They're saying the Super Bowl was rigged. | ||
| The United States wants Seattle to win. | ||
| The Red Hot Chili Peppers were bunked. | ||
| That's what they say, too. | ||
| Yeah, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. | ||
| I don't know if that's true or not, though. | ||
| That's a new one, right? | ||
| Yeah, that was just today. | ||
| Breaking news. | ||
| They weren't playing their instruments. | ||
| The Red Hot Chili Peppers faked the funk. | ||
| I'm sure there's a picture, yeah, that they said that the Red Hot Chili Peppers guitars were not plugged in during the Super Bowl performance. | ||
| That hurts my soul. | ||
| It hurts my heart. | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| It really does hurt. | ||
| I just want to go. | ||
| How does that happen? | ||
| How does the Red Hot Chili Peppers ever get to a point where they're faking playing music? | ||
| I think what it is is that they actually can't hear. | ||
| When they're around that many people on stage, it would be impossible for them to actually... | ||
| Yeah, but they put ear monitors in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but I think it's even that loud that that wouldn't even do anything. | |
| Well, there was like explosions and fireworks. | ||
| Is there a picture of them? | ||
| It can't be any louder than the UFC. Like when the UFC is going on, I have headphones on. | ||
| I don't hear anything. | ||
| I can hear myself loud and clear. | ||
| People are screaming at the top of their lungs when a fight's going on, and they're feet away from me in an indoor arena. | ||
| The Super Bowl might be more people, but I couldn't imagine it would be louder, especially without a roof. | ||
| I can't imagine how it could be louder. | ||
| I want to go to a UFC fight with you. | ||
| I haven't put that on my bucket list. | ||
| Yeah, let me know, man. | ||
| I've never been. | ||
| I watched that. | ||
| There's one February 2nd. | ||
| You want to watch some chicks beat the fuck out of each other? | ||
| I mean, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ronda Rousey. | ||
| February 2nd? | ||
| It's the 4th today. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| 22nd. | ||
| Yeah, let's go see some girls fight. | ||
| Well, I will have to work, but you won't be able to sit and tell the audience. | ||
| I will sit and watch. | ||
| I'll live tweet it. | ||
| I can't sit with you and answer questions. | ||
| I have to actually do work. | ||
| I saw that video of that guy's leg break and that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| That was terrible. | ||
| It's rare, too. | ||
| Oh, it was so gross. | ||
| Yeah, really unusual to have a break like that. | ||
| We've only had two breaks like that in the history of the UFC. But there have been some in other organizations, very similar. | ||
| Were you at that fight? | ||
| Oh, yeah, of course. | ||
| You were there when it happened? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I've been at almost all the pay-per-views, almost all of them, and all the Fox shows. | ||
| I haven't been on all the Fox Sports ones. | ||
| I don't do those anymore, but I do virtually every pay-per-view, unless there's something serious going on that I can't do it. | ||
| That's only the second time that's ever happened. | ||
| And to have it happen to a great champion, like arguably the greatest fighter, I've said, the greatest fighter that's ever lived, to have it happen to him, that's pretty crazy. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| It's a nutty sport, man. | ||
| You know, the human body is just not designed for it. | ||
| It's all about compromising joints. | ||
| It's all about cutting off blood and sparking your fucking nerves with concussions and stopping your brain from functioning. | ||
| It's really a really crazy sport. | ||
| It's pretty intense. | ||
| Yeah, but the excitement that you get from that, from it being so crazy, it's like there's nothing like it in the world. | ||
| And the girls go that hardcore too? | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Dude, Misha Tate vs. | ||
| Ronda Rousey, which was the last big women's title fight that we had, was one of the best fights ever. | ||
| It was great! | ||
| There was so much drama in it. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Misha almost got fully armbarred once, because Ronda beat her by armbar in the first fight. | ||
| She beat her by armbar in the second fight, too. | ||
| But Misha got out of this crazy, locked-in armbar. | ||
| You knew it was over, and she gets out of it, and the crowd's going insane. | ||
| And it was just like, first of all, Ronda made her sail through the air with judo. | ||
| I mean, that was one of the beautiful things about the fight. | ||
| It was not just the two chicks were going at it. | ||
| It was Ronda's technique is impeccable. | ||
| It's like a dance. | ||
| Her judo is just magnificent. | ||
| Her technique, when she throws people, it's a fucking work of art. | ||
| Misha tried to grapple with her, and Ronda launched her through the air. | ||
| Not once, but several times. | ||
| Slammed her on her back in beautiful judo. | ||
| World-class judo in action. | ||
| Probably the best judo we've ever seen in the UFC. You know, in comparison, like, relative to her weight class and her division, and then her armbar techniques, the best in all of MMA. That bitch is badass, man. | ||
| Badass bitches. | ||
| She's wicked. | ||
| She's like Chun-Li from Street Fighter. | ||
| Better. | ||
| Better than Chun-Li. | ||
| She's a real person, and she has a vagina. | ||
| Chun-Li has a vagina? | ||
| I mean, I've heard. | ||
| Are you talking about the street fight of the girl? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know it was a girl. | ||
| Chun-Li. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She's the one who's... | ||
| Yeah, Ronda Rousey would tie that bitch up at a knot and throw her off a building. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, wait. | |
| Do they let them have long hair? | ||
| They have hair. | ||
| I mean, they've got to get the guys to watch. | ||
| You can't grab it, though. | ||
| You can't grab hair. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| Because I would say that would be the first thing. | ||
| You always see that in a girl fight where they just... | ||
| Well, you used to be able to do that like when Hoist Gracie fought chemo. | ||
| That's one of the ways he fucked chemo up. | ||
| He had chemo in his guard and was just bashing him, holding on to his fucking ponytail. | ||
| He got a hold of that ponytail and just fucked him up. | ||
| That was one of the all-time craziest fights ever in the UFC because chemo was enormous. | ||
| I should never have a ponytail. | ||
| He was like 230, 240, solid muscle, and Hoist was like 170 skinny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| David and Goliath, huh? | ||
| Hoist still beat him. | ||
| Still armbarred his ass. | ||
| Hoist was a bad motherfucker back then. | ||
| Still is, but back then, that was the guy that changed it all. | ||
| He came around and showed people what's up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But back then you could grab hair. | ||
| Girls are not allowed to grab hair. | ||
| They can't cunt punt either. | ||
| Cunt punt? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sorry, what? | ||
| Well, you can't kick a dude in the dick and a girl can't cunt punt. | ||
| A cunt punt, okay. | ||
| Don't call it that, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| This is a comedy podcast. | ||
| This is not what it's really called. | ||
| I learned a new word today. | ||
| The Joe Rogan podcast. | ||
| Yeah, you're not allowed to kick a woman in the groin, but they don't have protection on like a man does. | ||
| Oh, they don't wear cups. | ||
| I don't think they wear anything. | ||
| I'm pretty sure they don't, but your clitoris, I'm sure, is very sensitive. | ||
| If you take a hard knee there, that would be horrible. | ||
| Oh, Chihuahua. | ||
| But that's illegal. | ||
| It's illegal just like it is on men. | ||
| But what is interesting is, I don't believe that the breasts are off target. | ||
| Just grab them titties and twist! | ||
| A lot of women will wear like, you know, they wear like... | ||
| Sport bras. | ||
| Sport bras, but there's no real protection of the breasts. | ||
| That's a really good question, actually. | ||
| I need to know if women's breasts are a target in MMA. Are the rules exactly the same? | ||
| I would think they'd have to tape their nipples. | ||
| No? | ||
| No? | ||
| No taping of the nipples. | ||
| Okay, here's the question. | ||
| Shut that down. | ||
| The question is, January 17th, a very recent question, should chest strikes be banned? | ||
| So they're talking about banning them. | ||
| For women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It makes sense. | |
| Well, they're saying that it depends if the girl has implants. | ||
| Have you ever hit a girl in the boob, like, accidentally? | ||
| They will murder you. | ||
| What do you mean, accidentally? | ||
| Well, like, elbow. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Slap them around. | ||
| That's how you slap them around. | ||
| You can't hit them in the face. | ||
| You gotta tit slap them. | ||
| No, but I mean, like, I've been, like, out and, like, have nudged. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| Yeah, they're just like... | ||
| Yeah, it's sensitive. | ||
| That's why it feels good when you suck them. | ||
| Striking the enhanced breast will most likely cause them to burst. | ||
| So they keep a list of natural and surgically enhanced breasts for their female fighters. | ||
| So that's interesting. | ||
| So if a woman has surgically enhanced breasts, I guess they have to make a deal where the girl, if she's going to fight, you can't punch her tits. | ||
| Well, that makes sense. | ||
| You don't want a busted boob. | ||
| This might be bullshit, though. | ||
| This is on a forum, by the way. | ||
| But it's on the underground. | ||
| It's on mixedmartialarts.com. | ||
| And those guys are usually... | ||
| A guy named the Gumball Kid has the thing. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Do they have a list? | ||
| If you hit her in the boob and she just flies around the ring, just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like an old balloon. | |
| There she goes. | ||
| She's out. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Do they have a list of enhanced breath for women's MMA? No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll need to ask somebody. | ||
| This is too long of a Google search. | ||
| I need to call up Big John McCarthy or... | ||
| Yeah, you can't kick the butthole. | ||
| But you can grab it, which is weird. | ||
| You can grab the butthole? | ||
| Guys do what they call oil check. | ||
| Excuse me? | ||
| When an oil check is, sometimes in the middle of the grappling, a guy will literally have his fingers deep in a guy's asshole. | ||
| Just digging in there and, you know, it forces the guy to move. | ||
| Forces the guy to move in a way to get away from that grip. | ||
| And I don't think it's illegal. | ||
| I don't think it's illegal in wrestling either. | ||
| I wouldn't start making MMA butt plugs. | ||
| No, that would just shove something deeper in your ass. | ||
| You'd have to have a protection. | ||
| But what if you don't move? | ||
| But the problem is you need movement. | ||
| Your ass needs to be able to move, so anything that you do that would protect your asshole would be restrictive. | ||
| It would restrict your ability to move left and right. | ||
| It would be uncomfortable, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it would mess with your athleticism, too. | ||
| Are oil checks legal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if it's like this, though? | |
| That's just a buttinventor.com. | ||
| You're just sticking things in your ass. | ||
| I need to find out if this is... | ||
| So what about this one? | ||
| I gotta go to the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's one where he gets checked. | |
| Yeah, dudes do this all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Krzysztof Szynski saw I was on camera and he says, oops. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| He says, show it again. | ||
| You even said something on the end of it. | ||
| One guy actually got a rape charge. | ||
| From a wrestling match, apparently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| When was this? | ||
| 17-year-old Jerome Hunt faces 21 counts of rape and attempted rape. | ||
| Each count carries with him up to 25 years in prison. | ||
| Hunt's lawyer Mike Butler claims that complaints came from fellow Parker wrestlers who were simply victims of a legitimate wrestling move. | ||
| Butler just filed a motion to move the case to juvenile court on that court document. | ||
| He lays out a lot of information presented to the grand jury before they indicted Hunt on the rape charges. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Former state champion wrestler Jerome Hunt's lawyer says that all but two of the incidents reported happened in the Parker High School wrestling room before the practice during last year's wrestling session. | ||
| Before practice? | ||
| Before practice? | ||
| Before practice rape? | ||
| Yeah, it possibly came from a wrestling move called a butt drag or skinning. | ||
| Okay, before practice. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Butt dragging before practice. | ||
| It's not something illegal or not being taught. | ||
| It's being taught all over. | ||
| One accuser even testified to a grand jury, I didn't take it as a sexual move. | ||
| I took it as him just messing around. | ||
| Huh, who charged him then? | ||
| A prude. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| This is interesting because the oil check is like a legitimate wrestling move. | ||
| If that's what he's doing, it's like people have been—whether or not you think they should be able to do that, I don't think they should be able to do that. | ||
| But people have been doing that for a long time, like in actual legitimate wrestling. | ||
| But look up oil check wrestlers. | ||
| Find a video for oil check wrestling. | ||
| Because that's something that guys have done for a long ass time. | ||
| I mean, I would even say that's like gladiator days. | ||
| I'm sure they did that. | ||
| Well, it's not the most effective way to control a person. | ||
| So it's not like something that someone does for a long time or on a regular basis. | ||
| It's just, when you're in a wrestling match with someone, what you're trying to do is win. | ||
| And if you spend time fingering his butt, you could have been doing other things that would actually get you to win the match. | ||
| So it's not like something that comes up all the time. | ||
| Yeah, I call that a Friday. | ||
| But, um, some people, uh, you know, some people who don't know wrestling who found out that this guy's oil-checking people and, you know, maybe being a dick about it. | ||
| Hey, Johnny's oil-checking people. | ||
| No, fine, just, what is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crisis. | |
| No, no, no, no, not checking the oil crisis. | ||
| Oil-check, just image, oil-check wrestling. | ||
| Checking the oil crisis. | ||
| Just listen, Google oil-check wrestling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got some right here. | |
| That was about it though. | ||
| I'm gonna butt drag you so you ain't safe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, see? | ||
| Not a Maroon 5 song. | ||
| See? | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| That's totally legal. | ||
| See how he's doing this and the referee's not getting angry at him and no one's going to jail? | ||
| See, it is actually a legal wrestling move. | ||
| That guy putting his hands in that guy's asshole like that is totally legal. | ||
| Not only is it totally legal, it's so common. | ||
| Who made this video? | ||
| Like, who was like, you know what I'm going to do today? | ||
| Like I said, it's common, but it's not the most common thing. | ||
| Like, wrestling is all about... | ||
| It makes sense, though. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| It's not the best way to control a guy all the time, though. | ||
| So when it does come up, guys do it, but it's not like... | ||
| The only way to do it. | ||
| If you concentrate on that when you should be doing something else, you're going to lose the wrestling match. | ||
| What he's doing is using it as a hold. | ||
| He's literally trying to grapple by holding on to the guy like that. | ||
| He's not necessarily... | ||
| Sexual. | ||
| He might be sexual. | ||
| Or he might also be trying to inflict pain and discomfort. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's been going on forever. | ||
| One of those damn oil checkers! | ||
| So to take this one kid and call him a rapist for that... | ||
| That's messed up. | ||
| But the other thing was then it said before practice. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| The before practice, that disturbs me. | ||
| Like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| Like, hours before practice? | ||
| Like, five minutes before practice? | ||
| Are you warming up? | ||
| Are you in the locker room like, hey, check this out? | ||
| Are you going over techniques? | ||
| What is the exact... | ||
| What exactly is going on? | ||
| And how many counts did it say? | ||
| Like, was it just one person? | ||
| I think they said like 40. Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 40 people? | ||
| Or 40 charges? | ||
| Well, I'll read it again. | ||
| Well, I shouldn't talk about this kid. | ||
| By the way, this was several years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| 2006, actually. | ||
| But... | ||
| 21 counts. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't know what that kid did, so I'm just talking out of my ass. | ||
| But if the kid did what's in those videos, you better go watch those videos because there's videos of people doing that butt drag or oil check forever. | ||
| It's been going on for as long as there's been wrestling. | ||
| It's just not the most effective thing to do always. | ||
| It's not in every match. | ||
| But shit, it's pretty fucking common. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They made butt plugs. | |
| That doesn't help, dude. | ||
| It's a stupid idea. | ||
| It's just going to go deeper in and you bleed. | ||
| It's not going to stop the guy from holding onto it. | ||
| Get a little tail on the end. | ||
| Make it a decorative butt plug. | ||
| Pull that out and the guy gets embarrassed and you tap him. | ||
| Comes out with a loud pop. | ||
| He's like, sorry about that. | ||
| Can I take that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did I hear that Brock Lesnar is thinking about coming back to the UFC? Yeah, it's bullshit. | |
| Oh, it is? | ||
| Yeah, it's bullshit. | ||
| There's one hype story where they were trying to hype it up because the WWE was saying that Brock Lesnar was in Vegas. | ||
| They made a big announcement. | ||
| But it's really just a publicity move to talk about Brock Lesnar's wrestling appearance. | ||
| So there was a little bit of hype on that. | ||
| Some guy's tweeting me that the butt drag does not go into the butthole. | ||
| Yes, it does, sir. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| The butt drag does not go into the butthole. | ||
| They're saying there's a nerve back there of guys pulling. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| But tell me that dudes don't sometimes put fingers in people's assholes. | ||
| You fucking for sure do, because I've had it happen. | ||
| So shut your mouth. | ||
| If I had a nickel. | ||
| Don't tell me that oil checks don't go in your asshole. | ||
| I've had it happen. | ||
| Those sneaky, creepy fingers. | ||
| Do the oil jag you on a grappling hat? | ||
| Well, it's not like you're going to just rub it around. | ||
| It's there. | ||
| You go in. | ||
| It's not like, oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| There's Steve's. | ||
| I didn't mean to. | ||
| There's different people. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| There's a nice one right there. | ||
| That's a good oil jag. | ||
| Yeah, that's definitely, definitely. | ||
| Are those women? | ||
| Is that Bobby Lee? | ||
| Yes, it's a woman. | ||
| That is Bobby Lee. | ||
| Oh, it is a woman. | ||
| That might be Felicia. | ||
| Oh, I don't know who that is. | ||
| That might be my friend Felicia. | ||
| She's a badass grappler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this one. | |
| Oh, I know these. | ||
| That is not right. | ||
| That guy's an asshole. | ||
| That's the oil wrestling, the Russian oil wrestling. | ||
| Turkish, I believe. | ||
| Turkish, yeah, Turkish oil wrestling. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Yeah, anybody who says it doesn't go in your asshole, shut it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's clearly looking at that and just being like, yeah, you fuck it. | |
| Well, you know, it doesn't always go in. | ||
| Sometimes it just hits the taint. | ||
| Sometimes it's just the guy's got a good grip on the upper deck and doesn't actually get in the asshole. | ||
| He's just pulling the lid up on the macaroni and cheese container. | ||
| Just get the steam out? | ||
| Yeah, just Tupperware and that motherfucker. | ||
| But sometimes it goes in the asshole. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking butthurt wrestling guys out there that are arguing with me right now on Twitter. | ||
| We just showed you photos, you fucks. | ||
| You're in denial. | ||
| And there's a lot of guys who have had their assholes fingered who were like, thank you, Joe, for speaking up. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| Didn't even go in my ass. | ||
| It can't go in. | ||
| Dude, it's a trap. | ||
| My asshole's like a bank vault. | ||
| Nothing's getting in. | ||
| You might be knocking on the door, but you can knock on my door. | ||
| Does that mean you sleep in my house? | ||
| No, it does not mean you sleep in my house. | ||
| You're just knocking on my door. | ||
| You can't get in. | ||
| I think it's time, if you have had your butthole invaded by a finger to come out. | ||
| My asshole's the brown starfish of security. | ||
| Nothing gets through. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's tight. | |
| It's like that fucking Event Horizon when it opened up the time portal. | ||
| That's my favorite scary movie ever. | ||
| That's a good scary movie. | ||
| That's my favorite scary movie of all time. | ||
| I'm so glad you said that. | ||
| That's a terrifying movie. | ||
| Yeah, the idea that they run into hell. | ||
| In space, yes. | ||
| Enough, Brian. | ||
| Enough. | ||
| E-N-U-F-F. What are you showing? | ||
| More guys with hands up dudes' assholes. | ||
| I think we get it. | ||
| Yeah, Brian, come on. | ||
| It happens, wrestling fans. | ||
| I know you don't like to believe it happens, but it happens. | ||
| Oh yeah, that was real, too. | ||
| It's all real. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| That's just two men standing their ground. | ||
| With their lips locked. | ||
| And trying to gain an advantage. | ||
| Making Valentine's Day plans. | ||
| By the way, the white guy won. | ||
| White guy won that one. | ||
| Much to dismay of black people everywhere. | ||
| You should have butt-checked them. | ||
| Much to dismay of Anderson Silva fans. | ||
| Much to dismay of people who don't like wrestling or butt-checks. | ||
| Oil checks. | ||
| Drags. | ||
| Butt drags. | ||
| I'm sure Chris Weidman has been oil checked some time in his life. | ||
| With the last name like Weidman. | ||
| That's how you make an animal like that. | ||
| How dare you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you! | |
| What is this parody? | ||
| Can we play your parody video? | ||
| Yeah, sure if you want. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's called Not Looking. | ||
| Not Looking? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fake, Brian. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Jesus! | ||
| Byron believes everything. | ||
| Twin Towers. | ||
| Black helicopters. | ||
| That shit's naked. | ||
| So this is a parody of... | ||
| What's the show called again? | ||
| Of HBO's hit series, Looking. | ||
| It's not a hit series. | ||
| No, it's on its third episode. | ||
| I can't say it's a hit series. | ||
| But that's my friend Drew, who's a funny guy from the Groundlings, and we did an L.A. spoof because of the San Francisco trailer, or the trailer they do for this one. | ||
| Oh, I can't play. | ||
| The San Francisco one, they're all just like, it's so weird being in your 30s. | ||
| One of them was like, what's uncircumcised mean? | ||
| And I'm like, where are you? | ||
| You're in San Francisco and you don't know what uncircumcised means? | ||
| So we did a spoof on it. | ||
| It's like a minute and a half. | ||
| We had a lot of fun doing it. | ||
| It's Unfunny or Die. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| What's the name of it? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| If someone wants to find it. | ||
| Oh, Not Looking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is L.A. It should be so hard to meet an amazing guy. | |
| Hey, guys. | ||
| Oh, the audio cut out. | ||
| It did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I love this song, though. | ||
| The audio cut out? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| The words. | ||
| Oh, there it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, man. | |
| That's the guy from Nashville, the series. | ||
| Good morning. | ||
| This might be something people have to see. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta see it. | ||
| Yeah, because it's just like a montage. | ||
| What the fuck are you playing for me, man? | ||
| I'm wondering if I should be clenching my butthole right now based on the visuals that go along with this audio. | ||
| It was fun, though. | ||
| It was on Huffington Post this afternoon. | ||
| It's kind of crazy. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| People who are mildly homophobic, if they're listening to that, they would wonder whether or not they should clench. | ||
| This whole episode, there's Iraqi soldiers pissed off. | ||
| As long as it's Iraqi, not American soldiers. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, okay? | ||
| Team America. | ||
| Do you think I'm pissing off a lot of your listeners? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, listen. | ||
| I piss off a certain amount of people every week. | ||
| Am I the first gay on this podcast? | ||
| No. | ||
| Todd Glass has been on. | ||
| Melissa Etheridge. | ||
| Melissa Etheridge. | ||
| Who else has been gay that's been on? | ||
| Brian Dunning, but for other reasons. | ||
| Just being gay. | ||
| I'm a cool gay. | ||
| Oh, that feminist guy. | ||
| What feminist guy? | ||
| Oh, Buck Angel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Buck Angel was a porn star. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've had him, but no, the one that rape culture guy. | |
| Oh, Jamie's not gay. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| He's married. | ||
| Oh, was that the one you got into a fight with? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I've had two arguments ever on this whole podcast. | ||
| One was Brian Dunning and the other was Jamie. | ||
| But the Jamie argument was based on Daniel Tosh and Daniel Tosh getting in trouble. | ||
| Yes, I actually saw that episode. | ||
| I watched that one because that was when he made that rape joke and he was trying to defend it or for it or something like that and you guys just buried him to the ground, didn't you? | ||
| He didn't make a rape joke. | ||
| Well, he did in the past, but it was Tosh saying a rape joke. | ||
| The story was, Tosh is at the Laugh Factory, and he asks, what do you guys want to talk about? | ||
| And some guy yells out, rape. | ||
| And then Tosh is going, what is funny about rape? | ||
| Is it the humiliation? | ||
| What do you think is funny about rape? | ||
| And he's just trying to make fun out of this. | ||
| And some woman goes, actually, nothing's funny about rape. | ||
| And he goes, wouldn't it be funny if five guys raped right now? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| And then, of course, the whole crowd laughs because it's a hilarious thing to say, but this woman wrote a blog, and all these people freaked out. | ||
| Everyone's a blogger now. | ||
| They wanted him to apologize, and Jamie took the side of the heckler. | ||
| And I said, that's ridiculous. | ||
| It's so obvious that it was a joke. | ||
| And there's all this idea of trigger warnings. | ||
| The real problem with that show wasn't even the two people disagreed. | ||
| It was like his depiction of it afterwards was... | ||
| I think people forget how things actually went sometimes, and then they give their version of it, and then you get to go back and look at the actual words that were said, and then their version of it, and it makes them look deceptive. | ||
| Sometimes it's not even that they're actually deceptive. | ||
| What it is is that there's a lot of people out there that are delusional. | ||
| This Brian Dunning guy that we were talking about that we had that podcast with, his depiction of our podcast and me being a 9-11 truther when I... Clearly said I wasn't. | ||
| As clear as possible. | ||
| But he still thinks that somehow or another it's supporting some sort of conspiracy theories. | ||
| What are you throwing up that's distracting me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was Jamie Kilstein's latest CD. He has a track called Dude Bros. | |
| Get Super Mad When You Say Rape Is Bad. | ||
| Wait, he's still on it? | ||
| He won't let it go? | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| I listen to it. | ||
| Don't buy it. | ||
| You just listen to it on Spotify. | ||
| Oh, I don't want to hear it. | ||
| Who says Dude Bros? | ||
| Well, that's a way of diminishing anybody who has a contrary opinion. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| The idea being bros, like men who are like idiots. | ||
| Tough. | ||
| Tough and masculine. | ||
| That's a new way to diminish people's opinions. | ||
| Like, you're bros. | ||
| Oh, they're all bros. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The type of thing that people do if they want to diminish you without just talking about what the actual subject is. | ||
| It's not that people get upset if you say, don't say rape. | ||
| That's not what it is. | ||
| People get upset if you're hypocritical. | ||
| People get upset if you tell a... | ||
| Distorted depiction of the actual events and make it so that it favors your point of view and that you were attacked and victimized. | ||
| People have a real problem in this country with people that play the victim role and a lot of people do it by default and they might not even realize they're doing it by default, but they do. | ||
| They go into this, you know, I was victimized, these guys got mad at me because I did this. | ||
| It might not be that. | ||
| You might have done something annoying. | ||
| And it's also like, why do people relish so being in these disputes and these debates with people where they feel like they're going to lash out and right a wrong? | ||
| Because no one wants to be wrong. | ||
| No one wants to be wrong. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Because it's embarrassing. | ||
| It's belittling. | ||
| You're definitely right there. | ||
| People will fight to prove how right they are. | ||
| But the problem is, when you do that, if you fucking... | ||
| There's a recording of you being wrong. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Damn, that makes you look bad, Brian Dunning. | ||
| Goddamn, that makes you look bad. | ||
| It makes you look bad. | ||
| It's bad for you. | ||
| It's bad for your thinking. | ||
| It's bad for your mind. | ||
| When you give a distorted depiction of the events and people can clearly see that, they go, oh, this guy's brain's broken. | ||
| This guy's so warped by ego, he doesn't see what actually happened. | ||
| And it's clearly still not over it and still... | ||
| Well, Jamie's a comic. | ||
| Jamie's also a progressive guy and he's trying to do the right thing. | ||
| I don't have any problem with Jamie. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| He's an odd guy. | ||
| We don't agree on a lot of things, but I think he's a good person. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I just think that these depictions of this scenario, it's like this very... | ||
| There's, like, this very progressive point of view that is, like, very rigid, and then there's this other point of view that either is, like, super douchey masculine that hates the progressive point of view, and then there's moderates that sort of get lumped into that super douchey macho frame of mind just because they disagree with, like, the uber-progressive point of view. | ||
| And I don't think it's that black and white. | ||
| You know, I think especially with something like rape jokes. | ||
| All rape jokes aren't funny. | ||
| The only rape jokes that are funny are funny ones. | ||
| Just like all murder jokes aren't funny. | ||
| The only funny murder jokes are funny murder jokes. | ||
| That's the ones that are funny. | ||
| Just like all jokes about fucking ice cream aren't funny. | ||
| And if you tell me a bad joke about ice cream, it's more offensive than a good rape joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| People don't want to hear that, but a joke about rape... | ||
| I see what you're saying, though. | ||
| Rape is a part of life, and it's not a good part of life. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| And it's not something you should promote. | ||
| But the idea that saying a joke about rape somehow or another promotes rape is crazy. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| And the idea that it becomes a part of this culture... | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| It's crazy, too. | ||
| It's not a culture of rape. | ||
| There's assholes that commit rape in our culture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do a joke about having a rape whistle... | ||
| It didn't work? | ||
| No, no, no, it does. | ||
| Because it's a very visual thing. | ||
| You have to come check me out and see it. | ||
| But I act it out. | ||
| I grab it off my nightstand and I just go... | ||
| And it's a visual. | ||
| And everyone dies. | ||
| Guys, girls, it's one of those things. | ||
| And I'm like, but that's the thing. | ||
| I'm blowing a rape whistle. | ||
| I never get that backlash. | ||
| I mean, anything's a joke now. | ||
| I get offended. | ||
| I mean, people ask me because a lot of people talk about gay people on stage and gay jokes and stuff like that. | ||
| And I don't get offended at them because I know it's part of the business. | ||
| It's one of those, I mean, how many times do I hear the N-word on stage? | ||
| How many times do I hear everything? | ||
| It's part of who we are. | ||
| If it's a bad joke and if I think it's unnecessary, yeah, I'll say something and be like, hey, that kind of didn't work. | ||
| But at the same time, I think those jokes are kind of... | ||
| Winding down now, because I mean, if you say anything about... | ||
| I mean, I've heard the word fag on stage, and you'll hear the audience just quiet, just a death eater, just sucked out all the life. | ||
| They're very aware. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's kind of cool, because I like that whole progressive mentality. | ||
| I mean, you can say gay people, whatever, but it's like, you can't say that word now. | ||
| It's like, ugh. | ||
| Like if Kinnison did that old bit that he did about AIDS. You remember that Kinnison bit? | ||
| Vaguely. | ||
| He had a bit about AIDS. It was really controversial. | ||
| And it got him in a lot of trouble. | ||
| It was his second album. | ||
| And he was like, just because a few fags fucked a monkey, I gotta wear a condom? | ||
| But that was the time. | ||
| That was the time. | ||
| He was talking about how AIDS is a gay disease. | ||
| They say AIDS is a heterosexual disease. | ||
| Straight guys can die too. | ||
| Straight guys can die too, Sam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he was like, name one! | ||
| Name one fucking guy! | ||
| It's not our dance! | ||
| It's not our dance. | ||
| Just cause a few facts. | ||
| Fuck the monkey. | ||
| Damn, that's a good impression. | ||
| Yeah, it was a really good impression. | ||
| It's not that good. | ||
| It'd be better if I heard him. | ||
| There's a dude that did the Stern Show. | ||
| He used to do it. | ||
| Oh, Craig Glass. | ||
| He does the most insane Kinnison impression. | ||
| You think Kinnison is in the room. | ||
| If you closed your eyes, you would really think it's Kinnison. | ||
| It's really quite freaky. | ||
| That guy does spooky impressions. | ||
| But yeah, people are definitely becoming more... | ||
| I'm more sensitive to these things. | ||
| People were upset at me this weekend because I said that I was a retard during a broadcast. | ||
| I was talking to Uriah Faber. | ||
| Uriah Faber fought Hen and Baral for the Bantamweight title, and Baral's one of the best fighters on the planet. | ||
| Baral hurt Uriah, and Uriah is as well, but he hurt Uriah pretty bad in the first round, and the referee stopped the fight early. | ||
| Uriah was still trying to recover and he was hanging on. | ||
| He was giving the referee the thumbs up, telling him he's okay. | ||
| The referee stopped the fight and the crowd went nuts. | ||
| Like it's over? | ||
| Yes, the fight was over. | ||
| He was definitely hurt, but it was a premature stoppage and most people agree that it was a big mistake. | ||
| So I was in the octagon and I was interviewing Uriah and I felt... | ||
| Real bad for the guy. | ||
| I mean, this was like a huge opportunity for him. | ||
| The fight got stopped early, and he's known as being like a really tough guy that could bounce back, and you know, he just, you could see like he really felt disappointed that the fight ended the way it ended. | ||
| And he was bringing up his teammates, and I said, what about Chad Mendes, who's actually in the wrong weight class? | ||
| He goes, he's in a different weight class. | ||
| I go, I want to like... | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I'm a retard. | ||
| That's what I said while I was interviewing him. | ||
| I shouldn't have said it. | ||
| You shouldn't say that on television. | ||
| It's not quote-unquote professional. | ||
| I only said it because I was flustered. | ||
| I was into this thing where I felt bad for the guy and I didn't know what to say. | ||
| What am I going to say to the guy? | ||
| The guy just had his dreams dashed. | ||
| He's 34 years of age. | ||
| And I did say the wrong name. | ||
| I did give the wrong weight class out, which is very unusual for me. | ||
| I'm usually really good at that stuff. | ||
| But, you know, you can only have so much information in your fucking brain, and sometimes it gets shuffled around, and sometimes it gets shuffled around on the fly on television, and you fuck up. | ||
| So I call myself a retard because I'm a self-deprecating person. | ||
| And everyone lost their mind. | ||
| Well, some people got upset at it. | ||
| I shouldn't have used retard. | ||
| And they're right. | ||
| I absolutely shouldn't have. | ||
| You're 100% right. | ||
| I apologize for using it. | ||
| But I do use that word all the time, and I use that all the time about myself in a self-deprecating way. | ||
| I could call myself an idiot. | ||
| The idea that I'm calling myself retarded is if retarded is a disease. | ||
| Down syndrome is the disease. | ||
| I'm not saying I have Down syndrome. | ||
| I'm saying retarded, like I'm slow. | ||
| I mean, that is not a technical medical term. | ||
| And when I'm using it to describe myself in a derogatory manner of being an idiot, I'm not going to listen to you, okay? | ||
| I'm going to keep calling myself a retard. | ||
| I think that is so silly that we're getting so fucking minute with our fucking criticisms of people. | ||
| You can't call yourself a retard. | ||
| There's a new one. | ||
| It's one thing if you call yourself a nigger. | ||
| I'd be like, you might not want to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, don't do that. | |
| That seems like people could get offended. | ||
| I just like, my balls just went inside me when you said that. | ||
| Maybe I just ruined my own argument. | ||
| Maybe I just threw my own argument out the way. | ||
| Well, there's a new argument. | ||
| It's like, right there, I did. | ||
| Didn't I kind of crush my own argument? | ||
|
unidentified
|
In a way. | |
| In a way, I did. | ||
| Like, why should I be able to call myself a retard? | ||
| If retard is offensive, to call someone else a retard, is it the word? | ||
| The word's totally taboo now? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| There's a new one. | ||
| There's the new word. | ||
| What's the new one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Transgender? | |
| No. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Twink? | ||
| No. | ||
| Can't say twink. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Andy Cohen got in trouble for saying twink. | ||
| You can say twink, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you can't! | |
| Yes, you can. | ||
| No, you're going to get me in trouble with a twink. | ||
| Everyone, all at once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Twink! | ||
| It's Andy Cohen from Bravo, right? | ||
| Oh, Andy, come on. | ||
| Who is gay, by the way? | ||
| Are you telling me? | ||
| No, but it's for the people who don't know. | ||
| Oh, yeah, Andy, yeah. | ||
| He said twink, and he had to apologize. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| Bullshit. | ||
| I got my brother Andy on this one. | ||
| That is a group of people that name was developed for the gay community. | ||
| There's twink and bear. | ||
| Then you shouldn't say bear. | ||
| Then you shouldn't say otter. | ||
| Then you shouldn't say... | ||
| Slut cum pig. | ||
| I don't know what there is. | ||
| Is him saying twink like a black guy using the word nigger? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Twink. | ||
| Twink is not offensive. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's kind of cute. | ||
| I get, you know, I get called. | ||
| I'd like to think of myself as an older twink. | ||
| I'm a twonk. | ||
| But you're tall. | ||
| You're tall. | ||
| Twinkies be a little lighter. | ||
| I'm actually no animal. | ||
| If anybody from the Death Squad family could classify me as an animal, I will go through your choices and establish myself as starting that. | ||
| No, but Gaboray Sidibe. | ||
| What? | ||
| Precious. | ||
| The girl from Precious. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Gaboray Sidibe. | ||
| Only gay man would know that, by the way. | ||
| Well, not really. | ||
| I have some of my friends who call her Anime Cinnabon, which I think is actually kind of a fun name. | ||
| But she got into trouble because she used the word tranny repeatedly on... | ||
| I think it was Arsenio. | ||
| But she was just dropping it left and right. | ||
| And that's one of those words to me, because I think that's the new word that everyone's like, you can't say that now. | ||
| You can't say that word. | ||
| I've been hearing that word for years. | ||
| I've heard transsexual people, transgender people using that word. | ||
| But they're trying because it's one of those things where the transgender community is trying to make a very, very poignant word. | ||
| And just be like, we are part of this community, you know, we're tired of it. | ||
| One of my friends who was on RuPaul's Drag Race, we actually did that podcast with Red Band when Raja was a guest. | ||
| One of her drag queen contestants named Carmen Carrera, who is gorgeous! | ||
| Pull up a picture of Carmen Carrera right now. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| It's stunning. | ||
| I'm going to get my sunglasses on. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, you turn to stone. | ||
| You don't even understand. | ||
| She's not Medusa. | ||
| If you're a straight guy. | ||
| No, you're going to be like... | ||
| But transgendered is now picketing... | ||
| Not picketing, that's a horrible word. | ||
| She is trying to get Victoria's Secret to make her the first transgendered model. | ||
| So I think... | ||
| But I don't think the word... | ||
| I hear the word tranny. | ||
| I've heard drag queens call each other trannies. | ||
| I just think it's... | ||
| Everyone's being very, very sensitive. | ||
| Well, people love to call you out on shit, and they love to get you in something that you were wrong. | ||
| That's a transgender chick? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Carmen Carrera! | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| She does have kind of a thick neck, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But gorgeous. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| How deep's her voice? | ||
| No. | ||
| Sounds like a girl. | ||
| Hey, guys. | ||
| She's post-op? | ||
| You better know. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It has boobs and everything, but I think is... | ||
| I don't know if she's had the surgery or not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She is hot. | |
| It's called the full package. | ||
| If they haven't had the operation, instead of being a glass half empty, let's just call it the full package. | ||
| I've heard a lot of people learn into that. | ||
| The full package? | ||
| Yeah, I bet. | ||
| There's a lot of anime porn online with the full package. | ||
| Giant dicks, big fake titties. | ||
| And it's like, what are you trying to fucking do? | ||
| What is going on in your cellar? | ||
| What's your mixed message? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Yeah, she's stunning. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| We had a transgender woman on the man show. | ||
| And we had this thing. | ||
| Her name was Vanity. | ||
| We had two. | ||
| Gia and Vanity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Both very nice people. | ||
| But the Vanity chick... | ||
| We had this box attached to dudes' dicks, and the box was, it goes to show you how stupid sensors and standards of practice people are. | ||
| Doug and I, we created this game show called Make Me Hard. | ||
| And the game show was, you would have a box over your dick, and then we'd have a bunch of things happen in front of you, and then we obviously control whether the bulb lights up or not. | ||
| So, like, you know, we have, like, women dancing around, nothing. | ||
| A dude eating a banana, ding, the box goes, like, pretend you got a card on it. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| That's a good social experiment. | ||
| But it was fake. | ||
| It was obviously just a sketch. | ||
| Let's do a real one. | ||
| But here's where it gets fake. | ||
| This vanity chick comes out. | ||
| She's gorgeous. | ||
| I mean, she's like a 10. And she's putting whipped cream on her nipples. | ||
| The guy's sucking it off. | ||
| Everybody's going crazy. | ||
| But the light is not going on. | ||
| And then she pulls her pants down and she's got a dick. | ||
| And the whole crowd sees it and goes fucking crazy. | ||
| It was the loudest sound of disappointment I've ever heard collectively from 300 men. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| And of course, that's when the light goes off. | ||
| His dick's hard as a rock. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| It was silly. | ||
| But it's true. | ||
| I've heard a lot of stories about people who are into that, like straight bros. | ||
| What was silly was that you could have this girl pull her dick out. | ||
| But what you couldn't do is say the word hard. | ||
| They wouldn't approve Hard. | ||
| They wanted it to be Make Me Stiff. | ||
| They made us change the title. | ||
| Stiff. | ||
| They're like, Make Me Hard is just too offensive. | ||
| We're like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I think Make Me Stiff is way more offensive than Hard. | ||
| They just want to change things. | ||
| They're just morons. | ||
| It's just moron talk. | ||
| Just dummies who want to go, what about Move This Around? | ||
| I want the lamp to be here. | ||
| Well, if the room didn't have the lamp there, the room wouldn't be the room. | ||
| I put the lamp there. | ||
| I made the room. | ||
| They were going to have no lamp, and I made them put the lamp there. | ||
| I walked in that room, and I said, it needs a lamp. | ||
| Well, you've always been good at figuring out which room needs lamps. | ||
| That's my skill. | ||
| I might not be funny, but I know where the funny belongs. | ||
| You can't say hard. | ||
| You've got to say fiam. | ||
| Who made it better? | ||
| Who made it better? | ||
| I put my greasy little fucking chubby donut fingers all over everything. | ||
| In the butt. | ||
| Stank it. | ||
| I oil-checked the whole show. | ||
| But the point is, everybody in the audience, before she pulled her dick out, everybody in the audience thought it was the hottest bitch on the planet. | ||
| Beautiful legs and beautiful face, long hair. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some epic thunder. | |
| The schlong heard round the world. | ||
| Yeah, but you're definitely right. | ||
| There's something weird with the morphs. | ||
| The anime morphs. | ||
| Giant dicks and big fake titties and having sex with women. | ||
| It's like, what is this? | ||
| No, having sex with guys. | ||
| That too sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Having sex with everybody. | ||
| Everybody's having sex. | ||
| That's just one of those things. | ||
| Why are that going around? | ||
| Why are that going around? | ||
| I've got a date tonight, so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you do ass-to-mouth ever, Justin? | |
| Easy, fuckface. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| There's no need to divulge that information. | ||
| A boy's got to have secrets. | ||
| There's got to be a little mystery. | ||
| As the green light goes off in Redman's corner. | ||
| He's a child. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| You don't want to take questions from that guy. | ||
| Do you mean, do I ever human centipede? | ||
| What is the policy in the gay community as far as outing people that are in the closet? | ||
| Is it considered to be a douche move? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Like, say, if, you know, this guy, and, you know, he's pretending to be straight, maybe he has a few boyfriends, but he says a few homophobic things, trying to throw people off the trail, then is it a green light? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Because he says homophobic things? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Then it's a green light. | ||
| I'll say... | ||
| Oh, that's a really good question, Joe. | ||
| That's a... | ||
| It's one of those things where... | ||
| It's like a... | ||
| My philosophy is that everybody has their own journey. | ||
| Let everyone do what they want to do. | ||
| That's a good philosophy. | ||
| It's not my time to say, I mean, I love you. | ||
| If I'm a friend of yours, I will love you no matter what. | ||
| That's just the person I am. | ||
| I won't. | ||
| If I catch you eating babies, I'll beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| That sucks, because I love a good bacon baby. | ||
| I love a good bacon baby. | ||
| Everybody's journey is different, whatever, but it's one of those things where it's like, if you've got some demons or you've got some issues and you're coming after my people, and then I know some things, I'm just going to be like, alright, you know. | ||
| Yeah, that's how I feel. | ||
| It's game on. | ||
| That's how I feel about the whole outing thing. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| At the end of the day, it's just sad. | ||
| It is definitely sad. | ||
| It's so pitiful to hate on a certain group of people when you're doing this, when you're part of that. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| What? | ||
| Well, they're just self-loathing and they're trying to throw people off the trail. | ||
| Yeah, it's pitiful. | ||
| It's like, you ever talk to, I mean, God, it's so common, like, you ever talk to girls that are sluts? | ||
| And I don't want to say anything wrong with sluts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, never. | |
| I don't want to slut shame, but sluts love to talk shit about other sluts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, and by the way, I'm a fan of sluts. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Maybe I shouldn't say the word slut. | ||
| Maybe a slut will go into the same box as retard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the new twink? | |
| Is retard and tranny? | ||
| We would all be lumped in together with Twink. | ||
| But there's girls who will do wild sexual shit. | ||
| They're one of the first to talk shit about other girls doing wild sexual shit. | ||
| Stacey's a whore. | ||
| That's a fucking whore. | ||
| And then you look over and there she is blowing a dude. | ||
| Jerking a guy off. | ||
| In the bar at the comedy store. | ||
| You're like, what are you doing? | ||
| That fucking whore. | ||
| I'll stab her. | ||
| She steals my guys. | ||
| But at least, look, that's like less of a secret, I guess. | ||
| Is that less of a secret? | ||
| Yeah, it's less of a secret than being gay. | ||
| Like, when you have a situation like Ted Haggard, that guy who was the priest, who turns out he was higher... | ||
| All this pro-family, anti-gay. | ||
| Mega church. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, working really hard against gay rights. | ||
| Meanwhile, having gay sex with prostitutes, doing meth. | ||
| When that kind of shit gets outed, I'm all for it. | ||
| I'm all for it. | ||
| I'm like, but it... | ||
| That is perversion. | ||
| They call gay people perverts. | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| What we do is we want to have kids. | ||
| We want to have rights. | ||
| We want to drive an SUV. I'm with you up to the SUV. No, I mean like having kids. | ||
| I feel like that's the kid car. | ||
| That's why I draw the line. | ||
| Queers and trucks. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| But when you take it to that extreme where it's like bathroom... | ||
| Meth use, and then you're going to preach God's word? | ||
| What? | ||
| I mean, it's like the, what's her name? | ||
| The Bachmans. | ||
| Those dickwads. | ||
| No, that guy's awesome. | ||
| Marcus? | ||
| Yeah, he's just a cute little teddy bear. | ||
| First of all, he's very heterosexual. | ||
| Maybe the most heterosexual man ever. | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| There's no way that guy's gay. | ||
| I don't get it at all. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Him, Hal Sparks, no way. | ||
| No, Hal Sparks, by the way, I think you're straight. | ||
| If you tell me you're straight, I'll say you're straight. | ||
| House parks, I love you. | ||
| I mean, hey, if he's straight and, you know... | ||
| I bet he is! | ||
| Easy! | ||
| Settle down! | ||
| I didn't say he was not. | ||
| I don't know him, personally. | ||
| I think he's totally straight. | ||
| Yeah, I think he is too. | ||
| He's a great ass. | ||
| But he's not an asshole. | ||
| You know, this Ted Haggard guy or any of these guys that do it, that's got to be a really, like, self-loathing place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To be, like, a gay person and to be, like, angry and twisted about it and lash out. | ||
| Like, that one, what is it, Larry Craig? | ||
| Was that his name? | ||
| The congressman? | ||
| It was a senator or congressman that got busted doing the thing underneath the stall. | ||
| Oh, yeah, the tapping the toes, yeah. | ||
| That old trick. | ||
| The old speakeasy days. | ||
| Hey, boy, you gotta shoot, I can tap. | ||
| Before the internet, we had a thing we used to do. | ||
| It's called playing footsie. | ||
| I mean, that's a whole generation. | ||
| I don't know if that's a generation. | ||
| Like, bathhouses, that kind of thing. | ||
| That's like... | ||
| Well, that's still going on, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Don't you guys get together? | ||
| Well, according to Bathhouse Weekly... | ||
| Buttfuck each other with masks on. | ||
| It has to be fun to pick up guys. | ||
| Like, if you want to get laid, it's probably so much easier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To just like, hey, I'm going to go to the bus stop and do my little gay hand wave thing until I find somebody. | |
| Hey, you leave our gay hand wave alone, all right? | ||
| Are you eating while you're talking? | ||
| Yeah, what are you fucking pig? | ||
| Just finish your food first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Can't hang on to that question? | ||
| We have a three-hour fucking podcast. | ||
| You gotta eat with a mouthful of food? | ||
| You monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, is it really easy to get laid? | |
| When you suck the cocks, you slobber a lot. | ||
| You're like a dry cocksucker. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah, it must be way easier to get laid. | ||
| I mean, it's the same. | ||
| I think it's easy to get laid. | ||
| You guys have Tinder, for God's sakes. | ||
| I've seen so many of you guys. | ||
| Tinder? | ||
| What's Tinder? | ||
| Tinder. | ||
| Website? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Straight grinder. | |
| So Tinder, you just hook up? | ||
| You just say, who wants to fuck? | ||
| Well, I think so. | ||
| Who wants AIDS? In La Jolla this weekend, I was with one of my buddies, and he was showing me, because I'd never really seen Tinder, and it looks so complicated. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| No, but it's like you've got to swipe this way, and then you've got to do this, and then you can scroll more. | ||
| I'm like, with ours, it's just like, eh, all right, come on. | ||
| So with yours, with Grindr, say if you're in a town... | ||
| Here, let's get on it right now, shall we? | ||
| No. | ||
| Brian, put that down. | ||
| If you're in Ohio, okay, and you want to get your freak on, say you're doing a gig in Columbus, you can just pull up your app and say, do you have a picture of yourself on it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, I'll show you. | ||
| Have you ever had a fan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I have to kind of, I think I have to kind of like get, I have to wean myself. | ||
| Not that I'm like an avid Grindr user, but yeah. | ||
| What's avid? | ||
| More than twice a day? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I rarely, rarely, rarely meet up with people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once a week? | |
| Every night, don't you? | ||
| No. | ||
| How often do you use the grinder? | ||
| Let's not throw him under the bus, though. | ||
| Ruining the guy's fucking game. | ||
| This one is, this is my, um... | ||
| This is B. He goes, uh... | ||
| Hey there, what's going on? | ||
| I go, not a whole lot, you? | ||
| How's your Monday? | ||
| Hey, listen, maybe B doesn't want you reading out his shit on the air, man. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not saying we're... | ||
| No complaints. | ||
| Worked early. | ||
| Had the afternoon to myself. | ||
| Just making dinner now. | ||
| I'm very sexy. | ||
| And he goes, I'm B. Nice to meet you. | ||
| What did you make? | ||
| And I'm like, I made a blackened chicken pesto pasta. | ||
| The only thing grocery... | ||
| Do you hear the sex coming up? | ||
| Guys trying to pick up girls is guys trying to pick up guys. | ||
| You're about to make me fucking throw up. | ||
| Just with the mundaneness of your fucking interaction. | ||
| I was hoping it was way more fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Like, who wants this dick? | ||
| There's a picture of some dick. | ||
| What I'm saying, guys. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| I'm on the corner. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And the guy drives by with his pants off. | ||
| That's how you think it would be. | ||
| That's how I talk to girls. | ||
| No, see, I'm a lesbian. | ||
| That's what I wanted to say. | ||
| I'm just a big old lesbian. | ||
| Yeah, you're about making dinner and shit. | ||
| You got pesto. | ||
| Fresh garlic. | ||
| It's such a scene now. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's such a scene? | ||
| It's such a scene now about the whole just hooking up. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Maybe I want a little more. | ||
| We don't know this. | ||
| We don't know this. | ||
| Maybe I want a little more. | ||
| We're on the outside. | ||
| We only talk to you guys very briefly about your sex life. | ||
| Then we run away. | ||
| I'm the unicorn in the room. | ||
| We run away. | ||
| We clean our hands. | ||
| Just run your body through a car wash. | ||
| Yeah, we keep that Purell and I spray it in my mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, we do the same with you guys, so don't worry about it. | |
| I'm actually leaving here and taking a nice hot shower. | ||
| Good move, dude. | ||
| You should get a scrub. | ||
| Go to a car wash. | ||
| Just a nice steel wool pad. | ||
| Ew, straightness! | ||
| No, I love straight people. | ||
| Have you ever sneezed and poop came out? | ||
| He told you, you dumb fuck. | ||
| He told you he's a top. | ||
| No, I'm not from your mouth. | ||
| God, why did you have to get gross? | ||
| Because he's a child. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And yes, I have. | ||
| Just think about what you're about to say for an extra five seconds. | ||
| Just think about it for an extra five seconds. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just think sex is just... | ||
| Sex is just... | ||
| I think it's gross either way, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fluids and blood and poop and cum. | |
| Well, but you do it, though, still. | ||
| Yeah, we're animals. | ||
| You gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're beasts. | |
| It's gross when you don't need it. | ||
| When you need it, it's exactly what the doctor ordered. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Did you like pussy when you had it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| No. | ||
| So it feels bad to you? | ||
| No, it didn't feel bad. | ||
| It wasn't like I'm shoving my dick in between a sandpaper Arby's sandwich, but it was so gross. | ||
| No, it was nice, but it was just like... | ||
| Well, you just weren't attracted to girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or you were sort of attracted to them. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was one of those things like, oh, I'm just going to be friends with them. | ||
| But you did have sex with them, so you did get aroused by girls. | ||
| It's just not as satisfying. | ||
| And you feel more drawn to men. | ||
| When you went bi, you said you went bi for a while. | ||
| What do you think that was? | ||
| Was that you trying to figure out who you were? | ||
| I think a lot of people do that. | ||
| This is an 8. This one's a 5. Maybe she just doesn't like me. | ||
| I'll find another one. | ||
| Yeah, so, yeah, exactly. | ||
| There was a period, I mean, there was a time when, I want to say it was like my, it was like 23, I guess, and there was this girl, and I can't believe I've been saying this story. | ||
| She, like, we had this thing, like, it was this kind of, like, affair, if you will. | ||
| Like, she was engaged, and, yeah, and so, like, it was... | ||
| Was it hot and heavy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was fun, but it was a girl. | ||
| Yeah, and we had a good time, and it was one of those things where she would tell me, she's like, you're not gay, you're doing this too well, and you're playing with my heart. | ||
| So it was kind of dangerous at the same time, and then her fiancé found out. | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| Her fiancé actually found out when I was going down on her. | ||
| In her bedroom. | ||
| He walked in? | ||
| No, he was knocking on the door outside and the lights were like, oh shit. | ||
| And he was like, hey, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. | ||
| Open the door, open the door. | ||
| And immediately, what do I do? | ||
| Because I'm like, what do I do? | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| I jump in the shower like an asshole. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Because that's not suspicious. | ||
| Oh, I just came over to shower at your fiancé's house. | ||
| You turned the shower on? | ||
| Turned the shower on, and he's like, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm like, oh yeah, I'll see you later. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Thanks for the study break. | ||
| And the shower... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I had to get pussy off my face. | ||
| Right, yeah, I really did. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| With the steel wool pad, you know. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So what did he say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then, like, she moved away, and then I got this phone call. | |
| Oh god, that was so crazy. | ||
| I got this phone call from him, the fiancé. | ||
| Was he jerking off over the phone? | ||
| No, he was mad. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude, he was like, so what the fuck am I hearing about this and this and this? | |
| And she's in the background, and she's just like, he's lying, he's lying, he's a fucking faggot, don't listen to him. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| She threw you down? | ||
| Threw me down under the bus. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And that was the last time, and this was somebody that I was like, I thought we had something, and when she said that, I was like, later. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| So how old were you at the time? | ||
| I was 22 or 23, yeah. | ||
| So you'd already come out? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So when you were with her, you told her that you were gay? | ||
| Yeah, like everyone knew. | ||
| It was just one of those... | ||
| But then you get those girls who are like, I'm gonna turn you, and you're like, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, I get it all the time. | ||
| You get it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Girls are trying to turn you straight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But this one had worked for a little bit, sort of. | ||
| I get asked it a while. | ||
| I don't know if it was you. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It was probably you. | ||
| The other night at the store, maybe like a week or two ago, you were like, would you ever, like, if a hot girl came up to you? | ||
| I'm like, hmm, that's a good question. | ||
| Well, like, imagine having sex and then just having a guy sit there with balls on your forehead. | ||
| You could probably love it. | ||
| You have your fantasy, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Meaning, like, he would only see guy and balls, but he would feel pussy. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Balls? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like, if a woman is on top of him fucking him, and then a guy just like... | ||
| That's a three-way! | ||
| Yeah, yeah, but you're only seeing the dick and balls. | ||
| That'd probably be the most ideal thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| Just shut up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seriously. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Just five minutes. | ||
| Think about what you're going to say for five minutes. | ||
| Yeah, so... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I would think... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if I could or not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| But there's no social stigma attached to that if you chose to have sex with a woman. | ||
| It's like it's no big deal. | ||
| Whereas if a guy is a straight guy and he just chooses to have sex with a guy... | ||
| In this culture, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| That's really unusual. | ||
| But in some cultures... | ||
| It's like, I don't think a straight guy... | ||
| Well, I don't think a guy could be bisexual, but a girl could be bisexual. | ||
| But isn't that... | ||
| I think definitely guys can be bisexual. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've said that there's two types of dudes who do gay things. | ||
| There's gay dudes, and there's really gullible straight dudes who get talked into blowing, crafty gay dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You think that's what it is? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| There's a lot... | ||
| Especially in the porn industry, there's a lot of, like... | ||
| You know, oh, we're all straight. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But gay for pay is a different thing. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of gay people will find straight guys that are really broke. | ||
| Like, there's this guy who's friends with my wife, who's a gay guy, who's this Mac Daddy. | ||
| He's got a lot of cash. | ||
| Gets a lot of boys. | ||
| You know how it is. | ||
| And he gets dudes that are straight. | ||
| He had this Russian dude. | ||
| Is it a website he runs? | ||
| He bought the guy a car, put the guy up in an apartment. | ||
| He was going broke because he was spending all of his money to take care of this straight guy, and this straight guy would suck his dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, you'd get together with this, you know, the guy was like heavy Russian accent, kind of tough looking. | ||
| Like, what's his name from... | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| He was like a gay Jason Statham looking kind of a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But with a Russian accent. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And apparently this guy was just... | ||
| No one's looking. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Just dig cheese everywhere. | ||
| He just made sure that he took care of this guy. | ||
| Gave this guy an apartment. | ||
| Gave him money. | ||
| Gave him... | ||
| The guy wanted too much at a certain point in time. | ||
| Let's go down to Fairfax. | ||
| He actually lost like a big chunk of his money trying to keep this guy. | ||
| But this guy was like the latest in a series of straight guys that he had... | ||
| Manipulated into uncomfortable positions. | ||
| That's a thing. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| That's a thing, yeah. | ||
| It's like finding straight guys. | ||
| Yeah, I had a buddy of mine who was in a wardrobe guy, and he was gay. | ||
| He would always tell us about all the different quote-unquote straight guys that let him suck their dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| He would get a kick out of it. | ||
| Yeah, they're really funny. | ||
| I get a lot of them too, so... | ||
| I still got it! | ||
| But they're not straight guys then, they're just confused. | ||
| No, they are! | ||
| They are. | ||
| Well, how are they straight? | ||
| No, okay, you were gonna say they're confused. | ||
| They're just confused. | ||
| Do you think that it's extra likely to happen to you if you kill on stage? | ||
| Yeah, it's happened before. | ||
| More likely? | ||
| Well, it has happened. | ||
| But I mean, more likely because you're on stage and you kill and you become attractive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's that like, yeah. | ||
| They're like, oh, he's hot and broken. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And so the straight guys find that attractive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| I had, um... | ||
| Actually, I had a... | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| Those guys are not straight, Justin Martindale. | ||
| There is no Santa Claus. | ||
| The Easter Bunny's not real. | ||
| And those are gay dudes. | ||
| No, but they're like, oh, this is my girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, oh. | |
| Oh, how the tables have turned. | ||
| Well, how many dudes put on this sort of, like, straight act just for society, for jobs, for career, for whatever. | ||
| Fill in the blank. | ||
| Like a percentage? | ||
| It's a lot, right? | ||
| I mean, who knows percentage-wise? | ||
| That would be speculative, but it's fairly common. | ||
| Yeah, I want to say, like, for instance, I was in San Diego this past weekend, and it was like, I was like, where are all the black people? | ||
| Where are all the white people? | ||
| Where's the Mexicans? | ||
| Where's the gay people? | ||
| I was like, really, guys? | ||
| Really? | ||
| No gay people in San Diego? | ||
| Is that what you're trying to say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, no. | |
| It's just one of those like... | ||
| They're scared? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, they didn't want to clap. | ||
| They didn't want to say anything. | ||
| And then afterwards, yeah, it's very, very conservative, whatever. | ||
| But then after the show, I had like a couple guys who were like, hey, yeah, so I'm in the... | ||
| You were talking about the military earlier? | ||
| Yeah, I'm in the military. | ||
| What are you doing later? | ||
| You want to go grab a drink or something? | ||
| I was like, quit trying to fuck, sir. | ||
| Whoa, that's what they do to try to get you to have a drink afterwards? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Maybe some dude spent a lot of time on a big Navy ship. | ||
| Which is very terrifying because I'm like, I just feel like I would be like a little piece of veal just thrown to the wolves. | ||
| And maybe have to kill you after it's over so you keep a goddamn secret. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| You're going to plug up my military career just in Martindale? | ||
| You'll never know. | ||
| I'm like, I refuse. | ||
| That's not like this. | ||
| Not like this. | ||
| I want to go on a big mega volcano. | ||
| I think that there's obviously a tremendous amount of discrimination, racism, homophobia. | ||
| There's still... | ||
| A tremendous amount of it. | ||
| But I think it's getting better. | ||
| I really do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do too. | |
| Culturally, I think we're at a really good time. | ||
| Yeah, I think those... | ||
| We're seeing change. | ||
| It's good, because, I mean, God, for a while that was just so boring. | ||
| Why wouldn't you want to make the world a little more colorful? | ||
| People are scared. | ||
| It's sad, too. | ||
| And I've been scared. | ||
| I go to... | ||
| I go to the Midwest and I'm terrified. | ||
| You know, there's like parts of the country that I'm just like, my God. | ||
| Well, I even like, I remember, I know when I, God, well, I went back to Texas not too long ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I mean, I feel like I dress okay. | ||
| Sometimes my shirts may be a little snug sometimes, or my jeans may be a little tight. | ||
| You know how the fashion, the style is out here? | ||
| And I'll wear that out in a small town, and I just see the looks. | ||
| Just like, what the heck? | ||
| He ain't even wearing flannel. | ||
| Yeah, there's a gay Sasquatch over there. | ||
| He ain't got no camo on. | ||
| Motherfucker, look at him. | ||
| Oh, his hair's too pretty. | ||
| What's up with his hair? | ||
| He's all clean shaved. | ||
| He's gonna make you gay if you touch it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a lot of crazy shit like that. | ||
| Like poison ivy, but gay. | ||
| I actually didn't know you were gay the first year I knew you. | ||
| My gaydar never went off. | ||
| Get that shit to the shop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bring your gaydar to the shop, son. | |
| Maybe I was just lost in your eyes. | ||
| It's very hypnotic. | ||
| You were just lost in LA. You were coming from Ohio, man. | ||
| You were coming from a time machine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or you were like, they don't come up this far of Santa Monica Boulevard. | |
| I kidnapped Brian from the 1950s and brought him into the future. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| Motherfucker was selling gateway computers in Ohio. | ||
| He got robbed by a black wizard the following week after I did. | ||
| That's right! | ||
| We talked about that. | ||
| Right out by my house at the time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I know several people who have been held at gunpoint in Hollywood over the years. | ||
| It's not pleasant. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| It's not pleasant at all. | ||
| And it's one of those... | ||
| God, it was so... | ||
| Did you have post-traumatic at all? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Yeah, I still have a little of it. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I think it's not as bad as it was, but it's one of those things where if somebody's behind me or if somebody pops out... | ||
| I mean, I like jerk and like... | ||
| Or it comes out of the blue really bad. | ||
| I'll be parking at night and I'll be like, oh my god, I don't want to get out of my car right now. | ||
| Out of nowhere. | ||
| There was a time when I did not leave my house. | ||
| I canceled spots. | ||
| It's a real issue for people that suffer from violent crimes. | ||
| Post-traumatic stress is big. | ||
| It wasn't violent at all. | ||
| It was just a... | ||
| Listen, it's violent. | ||
| The threat of violence is still violence. | ||
| I'm saying it wasn't physical and that's the thing that was scary because he made me walk I was in such shock that he robbed me and then started walking down the street that I needed to walk down, so I'm following him. | ||
| And he turns around, he's like, what are you doing? | ||
| And I'm like, I'm going home. | ||
| Like, I live right down the street. | ||
| He's like, you ain't gonna live down the street if you keep following me. | ||
| And I was like, oh, God. | ||
| So I honestly, I did the Justin, just the... | ||
| Roll the eyes inside. | ||
| That's a terrifying thing to hear. | ||
| I was like, God damn it, it took me so long to get here. | ||
| And then I, so I'm walking around the block, and as I'm walking around the block, he had... | ||
| Gone down the alleyway and got into this white van, and the white van drove off. | ||
| And that's the thing that scared me the most, was just the fact that I was probably being watched. | ||
| Like, he was the guy. | ||
| There's, like, three other guys probably out here. | ||
| Like, if I fought, or if I tried to make an attempt to... | ||
| Not giving my stuff. | ||
| That's the scary thing to me that they would have probably... | ||
| Same thing happened to me. | ||
| There was another guy in a van across the street. | ||
| They usually use other people. | ||
| They'll spot. | ||
| There's obviously people that do it single and desperado. | ||
| If you're going to rob a bunch of people, get in a car, drive somewhere, you look out, no one's coming, get this guy. | ||
| They got him, though. | ||
| I think they got him. | ||
| I had to file a police report and all that. | ||
| Did you have to go look at a lineup? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You sure it was him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But I honestly told him that I was like, I can't. | ||
| I was like, it was 3 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| It was so dark. | ||
| And I don't want to be that guy who likes that guy. | ||
| And it wasn't him. | ||
| I was like, honestly, I can't remember. | ||
| It's really hard. | ||
| And it was such a long time after it had happened, too. | ||
| So it wasn't like they got him. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I want to say it was... | ||
| Six or seven months afterwards. | ||
| Yeah, because apparently... | ||
| It was a string of them in Hollywood. | ||
| It was happening a lot. | ||
| The guy who was throwing the bombs in people's garages, remember that guy? | ||
| It was right around that time, there was this crazy crime ring because all the people from LA and Hollywood are slowly coming into... | ||
| To West Hollywood, and people are like, oh, West Hollywood's so safe, and it's clean and nice. | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| If you drive down Santa Monica Boulevard now, there's crazy people. | ||
| It's out of control. | ||
| Everyone's losing their minds. | ||
| Do you think people are targeting people because it's so safe? | ||
| Or do people think it's so safe? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| I mean, people are stealing people's dogs. | ||
| That's just messed up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| In West Hollywood? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You leave your dog in the car, someone will come in and take your dog. | ||
| Oh, I'm just going to roll the window down and have the dog... | ||
| You know, get some air while I'm running into CVS or something. | ||
| Someone just comes in and takes the dog and walks away. | ||
| There's so many shitty people out there in this world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of great people out there in this world, but goddamn, there's some fucking shitheads. | ||
| Someone's stealing someone's dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so dark. | |
| Right? | ||
| I'm like, who does that? | ||
| It's a real piece of shit, man. | ||
| I have to be a real piece of shit to do that. | ||
| I can do with that. | ||
| Assholes. | ||
| Everywhere you look. | ||
| I'm hoping that that's the next thing that changes about human beings. | ||
| We slowly but surely start to weed out the assholes in our culture. | ||
| I'm hoping that that's going to be the next evolution of society. | ||
| I'm hoping. | ||
| In your head, that's the... | ||
| It's got to be. | ||
| It's the only thing that's going to save us. | ||
| We have to realize that these ideas that we have, like fighting over Various ideologies, you know, politics, the way, you know, conservative versus liberal, white versus black, all that stuff is so fucking stupid. | ||
| I think that one day we're going to realize that our only problem in this life is people who are assholes. | ||
| It's our only problem. | ||
| Whether it's war or theft or crime or cybercrime or corruption, it's all the same problem. | ||
| It's people that are assholes, whether it's rape or murder or whatever it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Assholes. | |
| It's just shitty human beings. | ||
| Poorly developed humans. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| Poorly developed humans. | ||
| It's a mutation, if you will. | ||
| Well, we need really strict... | ||
| Not strict, but we need strong philosophies. | ||
| Like the tall whites. | ||
| Do you know what the tall whites are? | ||
| No. | ||
| The tall whites are apparently a group of aliens that are in Area 51 now. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| And they are walking amongst us. | ||
| And they are advanced. | ||
| And it's like a thing. | ||
| Did you see the Russian guy? | ||
| It's a thing? | ||
| It's like a thing. | ||
| The tall whites. | ||
| Check out the video of the Russian guy. | ||
| No, don't. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| A Canadian. | ||
| There's a Canadian guy, he's in Congress, and he's like, we all know about these aliens. | ||
| The guy's an idiot. | ||
| I've seen, I saw people walking out of the ocean. | ||
| I saw, well, you didn't see anybody walking out of the fucking ocean. | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| You saw a scuba diver. | ||
| No, it was late. | ||
| You see a man with a three-piece suit coming out of the ocean? | ||
| You sure you can't poop in your eyes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| The guy's an asshole who's thinking about killing himself. | ||
| Okay, guys, this is a hate crime now, alright? | ||
| Calm down. | ||
| You saw an asshole that was thinking about killing himself and decided to get home to his family. | ||
| And you walked out of the water and you're like, aliens! | ||
| OMG! And you ran away, fucking tweeting it. | ||
| Did I say OMG, Joe? | ||
| Do I look like I say OMG out loud? | ||
| The sparkles came off your heels when you ran uphill. | ||
| Okay, that part's true, alright? | ||
| That was true. | ||
| With a nice little rainbow stream behind me. | ||
| You panicked and farted glitter before you ran into your house. | ||
| Hey, don't be jealous that I fart glitter, alright? | ||
| It's a magical thing. | ||
| What are these aliens you believe in? | ||
| They're called the tall whites. | ||
| They're not. | ||
| Listen, all these people that tell you they see aliens are all idiots. | ||
| That's the universal, that's the one thing that's universal about these people. | ||
| They're almost all idiots. | ||
| I talked to a guy who was a former senator on my TV show, on the sci-fi show, who was telling me all about Area 51, all the evidence in Area 51. He's a fucking former senator. | ||
| And I talked to him for 10 minutes. | ||
| I knew exactly what was going on. | ||
| I'm like, you're just a silly man. | ||
| You're a silly man that happened to be a former senator. | ||
| You're a guy who's a believer. | ||
| And you believe in things with zero evidence. | ||
| I mean, there's almost no evidence except these weird photographs. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| Yeah, listen. | ||
| Play this. | ||
| We'll end with this because we've got to get out of here. | ||
| Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Let's end with this. | ||
| You're welcome, guys. | ||
| Yeah, a powerful Justin Martindale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That video doesn't exist. | |
| It doesn't exist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's that even possible? | |
| Well, they probably took it down. | ||
| Just look up Canadian Prime Minister, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| It's the Canadian Prime Minister saying that aliens are real. | ||
| What was his official title? | ||
| It wasn't Prime Minister, right? | ||
| I think it was... | ||
| Minister of Defense or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Canadian... | |
| We've got to find it. | ||
| Well, go back to the Vice thing. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Uh... | ||
| What does the guy do? | ||
| Oh my god, Brian. | ||
| This computer's like really shitty. | ||
| Canadian Prime Minister Aliens. | ||
| Is the computer shitty? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Canadian's former defense minister. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Former defense minister. | ||
| Okay, so just Google that. | ||
| Canadian, former defense minister. | ||
| I'll bring in, I have my other laptop. | ||
| I'll bring that in from now on. | ||
| Yeah, this one's just playing catch-up. | ||
| One of the species is called the tall white. | ||
| See? | ||
| Oh my god, it's so real. | ||
| It's printed. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's totally real. | ||
| There are live ETs on Earth at this present time. | ||
| O-M-T. A cabal formed by the Council of Foreign Relations. | ||
| The Bilderbergers and the Trilateral Commission, the International Banking Cartel, the oil cartel, and the select members of the military are planning to create one world government. | ||
| They are the ones suppressing the information about the aliens to the public. | ||
| Bitch. | ||
| He looks like he would believe in aliens, doesn't he? | ||
| He's a dumbass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is an hour and 20 minutes long. | |
| Oh, this isn't the one, though, but this is probably a different one. | ||
| I think it's a different guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Charles Hall? | |
| Yeah, I don't know what the fucking silly fuckheads are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's the thing that I got out of these interviews with all these people. | ||
| It's not that it's not possible that there's aliens. | ||
| What the problem is is these motherfuckers want to believe. | ||
| That's not the guy, Brian. | ||
| Just Google Canada's former defense minister UFOs. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| Or aliens. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Yeah, I've seen the video. | ||
| He was on RT. He might have actually been talking to... | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| Who was he talking to? | ||
| Was he talking to Abby Martin? | ||
| He was talking to like a group of people. | ||
| Who's like in a... | ||
| Isn't my girl Abby Martin? | ||
| It is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go to... | |
| No, that's not him, Brian. | ||
| It's not it either. | ||
| Look, he's a bald old guy. | ||
| No, it's not Abby Martin. | ||
| It's this cat. | ||
| It's this other girl. | ||
| This is the guy. | ||
| Look for this one. | ||
| See this guy? | ||
| Yeah, this is the... | ||
| That's... | ||
| No, but that's not the video. | ||
| You want the one with him on RT. See, look, it's on the Daily Mail. | ||
| This is what you want. | ||
| This silly old bitch. | ||
| He's crazy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| This is the thing, man. | ||
| But listen to the calm in the room. | ||
| Here's where the alien... | ||
| This note doesn't matter. | ||
| It's because someone says something rationally. | ||
| Wouldn't someone just be like, shut up! | ||
| No, it's just... | ||
| He's a former defense minister and he's talking to a woman who's a newscaster. | ||
| She's, you know... | ||
| I mean, whatever kind of journalism degree she has, it doesn't mean that she's gonna call bullshit on this fucking goofy old crazy dude. | ||
| Look, there may very well be visitors from outer space. | ||
| It's very possible. | ||
| But it's also possible that a lot of these people are just nuts and that they want to. | ||
| That's homeboy. | ||
| They want to have, like, UFOs be real. | ||
| More activity in the last few decades since we invented the atomic bomb. | ||
| What's up with our sound? | ||
| I think it's the laptop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's get rid of that bitch today. | |
| Other people in the cosmos? | ||
| No, this guy's crazy. | ||
| First of all, he looks like the creepy preacher guy from Poltergeist 2, which I'm very offended by. | ||
| Here's something that happens to a lot of these old cats. | ||
| No one wants to fuck them anymore. | ||
| And there's no light at the end of the tunnel. | ||
| It's not going to change. | ||
| It's not like one day they're going to become sexually attractive again. | ||
| And they look for some new meaning in life. | ||
| And the new meaning in life that takes away from all the worry and all the worries and stress is, if there are aliens, this whole life is bullshit. | ||
| So my miserable existence that I have, my depressing, miserable existence, all of a sudden becomes trivial. | ||
| In comparison to the mystery of the cosmos. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Aliens are real. | ||
| The whole world has been thrown on its head. | ||
| Money doesn't matter. | ||
| World politics don't matter. | ||
| Relationships don't matter. | ||
| The aliens are here. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It changed focus. | ||
| This idea, it's almost like a religious epiphany sort of a moment for them. | ||
| It's like they're looking forward to... | ||
| It's almost like an apocalyptic scenario. | ||
| Not apocalyptic, but... | ||
| What's the term when God comes back? | ||
| Armageddon. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Revelation. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Something that's going to make our regular, trivial, everyday life that he's a failure at seem meaningless. | ||
| And I think that's a lot of these guys. | ||
| It's all these unfuckable white dudes that are out there finding UFOs. | ||
| Are they playing at Coachella this year? | ||
| It's a need. | ||
| It's a need for mystery. | ||
| It's a need for meaning in life. | ||
| And I think they distort reality in order to fulfill this need. | ||
| There's a great deal of attractiveness to mystery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To solving mystery. | ||
| It's a part of our, it's like, I think it's almost like hijacks our natural reward mechanisms that we have built in. | ||
| Like we have this need to discover things because human beings have a need to innovate so they can stay alive. | ||
| So that we can, you know, develop weapons and figure out how to make fire. | ||
| And so this constant need to find out what are the mysteries? | ||
| Who's planning things? | ||
| We need to find out who are those people over there? | ||
| Are they going to get us? | ||
| And these needs to solve mysteries. | ||
| They're responsible for all these goddamn television shows that are on crime. | ||
| Every fucking TV show is about solving mysteries and solving crimes. | ||
| And who did it? | ||
| Where's the mystery? | ||
| The big mystery is aliens. | ||
| That's the grand finale. | ||
| That's the fireworks in the Fourth of July one. | ||
| That Ancient Aliens show, that scares the shit out of me, plus that guy's hair. | ||
| Well, Giorgio Tsoukalos, who's a very nice guy, as is Philip Copens, the late, great Philip Copens, who we had on the podcast. | ||
| We had two guys from Ancient Aliens on. | ||
| Great guys. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| I love that show, too. | ||
| How... | ||
| Not stoned though. | ||
| I can't do it stoned. | ||
| I'm just like, oh god! | ||
| They're right. | ||
| They have some really fascinating subjects. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they're right about a lot of things. | ||
| But they also skirt around facts sometimes in order to make their case a little bit stronger. | ||
| And there was an ancient aliens debunked video that someone put online. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That explained what's wrong with a lot of things. | ||
| They make a lot of conclusions where they jump immediately to aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It had to have been extraterrestrial beings. | |
| Extraterrestrial beings. | ||
| Extraterrestrial knowledge. | ||
| That's a good impression. | ||
| Is it possible that extraterrestrials created humans to mine for copper? | ||
| They have all these crazy theories. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| Yeah, it is fun. | ||
| It's fun to sit around and watch. | ||
| But as far as scholarly work, there's almost none that make any sense about aliens. | ||
| Some ancient images and there's some artwork that's pretty fascinating. | ||
| There's a lot of ancient Egyptian iconography and, you know, their hieroglyphs. | ||
| Eric Von Daniken, yeah, who did Chariots of the Gods. | ||
| It's a great book and a really interesting documentary. | ||
| Even if he's wrong about Chariots of the Gods, about the origins of these different things in his documentary, even if he's wrong about them being extraterrestrial, There are still fascinating mysteries. | ||
| There are fascinating mysteries that most likely were a lot of really sophisticated construction methods that we don't know about now that we lost somewhere or another. | ||
| It was lost in some raid, like getting raided by the Romans or the Mongols or who knows where the fuck the information went. | ||
| But there was a lot of like... | ||
| Really sophisticated construction techniques thousands and thousands of years ago. | ||
| That's much more likely than all this shit was created by aliens. | ||
| But the actual images and the actual sights and the mysteries themselves are still fascinating. | ||
| And maybe even more fascinating if it wasn't aliens. | ||
| The fact that people were so fucking smart 4,500 years ago that they made the pyramids. | ||
| I mean, that's incredible. | ||
| And that's a fact. | ||
| I mean, they carbon date the stuff inside the pyramids and it goes back to 2,500 BC. So they're pretty goddamn sure that someone at least was living there 2,500 BC and was already built. | ||
| But just the fact that it's at least 5,000 years old or 4,500 years old, just at least, at least that old. | ||
| That is goddamn fascinating. | ||
| I've been there and... | ||
| When you see them like that, you're just like, wow. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| Even the Sphinx, too. | ||
| I've never been there, but I've been to Chichen Itza. | ||
| I saw the Mayan Pyramids. | ||
| Yeah, I want to do that. | ||
| They're mind-blowing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You just stop and think about it. | ||
| These fucking people living in a Stone Age time got these goddamn rocks and put them- With those basins of water, those caves, they're just filled with water. | ||
| How did you get these rocks here? | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| How did you make this fucking giant structure 1,000 years ago? | ||
| Or whatever, 1,500 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Steps, steps, steps, steps, yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's amazing, amazing shit. | ||
| It's one of my favorite movies, Apocalypto. | ||
| I love that movie. | ||
| But the people love to go alien. | ||
| That's a good fucking movie. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| You know, it's a good movie, too, because it's like right when he was being shamed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And people realize, like, yeah, he's crazy, but goddamn that motherfucker knows how to make a movie. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I loved that movie. | ||
| It didn't get enough credit, right? | ||
| It didn't. | ||
| I don't think it did. | ||
| I think it did. | ||
| It went... | ||
| Yeah, but I don't think... | ||
| I think everyone was kind of in that shame phase. | ||
| We're like, ah, we're not going to support it, but it's a great film. | ||
| Well, The Passion of the Christ. | ||
| I didn't see that one. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| That was not a good movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was basically a two-hour movie about a dude who was magic who got his ass kicked. | ||
| I mean, that was exactly what the movie was about. | ||
| It was just two hours of them beating the fuck out of the guy. | ||
| It was almost perverted in a way. | ||
| It was like people were taking some sort of pleasure out of this torture film. | ||
| It was almost like a snuff film. | ||
| Because, yeah, I know it's representative of the Lord and representative of our Savior and all that good stuff, but the movie wasn't that. | ||
| The movie was just violence. | ||
| I remember a lot of people saying that it was like, and I think that's the reason why I didn't want to go see it because everyone's like, oh, you're going to cry. | ||
| And I'm like, that's what they want you to do. | ||
| They want you to, oh, God, look what we did. | ||
| Look what they did to him. | ||
| And it's like, it was such a push and just like they threw it in your face just, you know, nonstop. | ||
| You know what's interesting though? | ||
| You don't hear about that movie anymore. | ||
| It was a huge hit. | ||
| It was massive, yeah. | ||
| But it didn't last. | ||
| It's not something that people go and watch today and talk about, watch The Passion of the Christ today, reaffirm my faith, hashtag God bless. | ||
| That doesn't happen. | ||
| Like, maybe it happens. | ||
| It was like the secret. | ||
| But it doesn't happen very often. | ||
| Like, the secret was that. | ||
| Remember the secret? | ||
| Well, the secret is Mel Gibson's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when that secret got out, everybody was like, oh, well, I'm not going to see this fucking movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the one before that with Willem Dafoe, remember that one? | ||
| Which one was that? | ||
| There was a Christ movie with Willem Dafoe that was very, very controversial. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| The last... | ||
| Supper. | ||
| No, The Something Something of Christ. | ||
| Last Temptation of Christ. | ||
| 1988. Yeah, Last Temptation of Christ. | ||
| Four stars, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Willem Dafoe was sexy. | ||
| Green Goblin. | ||
| He was sexy. | ||
| Those cheekbones hadn't quite made him creepy yet. | ||
| He was just distinctive and interesting. | ||
| There's a new Jesus movie coming out this year. | ||
| Oh, thank God. | ||
| There's a new one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of God. | |
| What is it? | ||
| Son of God. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a lot of Bible movies coming out. | ||
| There's Noah... | ||
| Noah's coming out. | ||
| Yeah, who's doing Noah? | ||
| That's Russell Crowe. | ||
| Russell Crowe, yeah. | ||
| Who's the director? | ||
| It's like a good director. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| IMDB, there's Noah, there's Exodus. | ||
| Exodus is coming out as well. | ||
| Yeah, Darren Ornowski. | ||
| That guy's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Why is he doing his Noah movie? | ||
| Well, it looks very sci-fi, too. | ||
| It looks very... | ||
| The 300-like. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's guys coming out of the woods like, go to the ark! | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just like, hey, this isn't your King James version. | |
| Have you ever seen the ad? | ||
| The Super Bowl ad for it? | ||
| It's all extreme, right? | ||
| The trailer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Explosions. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| We'll end on this. | ||
| We'll end on Noah. | ||
| Noah movie official big game. | ||
| We started with a massive volcano. | ||
| We're going to end with a beautiful... | ||
| Yeah, Super Bowl ad Noah. | ||
| Just pull up that. | ||
| Super Bowl ad Noah. | ||
| And this will be the last day you hear this shitty laptop, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Oh, thank God. | ||
| Praise God. | ||
| Am I right? | ||
| Praise Jesus! | ||
| Praise Jesus. | ||
| Praise David Kokesh. | ||
| Noah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Praise... | |
| Anthony Hopkins isn't everything. | ||
| Praise Odin. | ||
| Praise Odin. | ||
| Praise Odin is like a hashtag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The storm cannot be stopped. | |
| It can be survived. | ||
| We have to protect our family. | ||
| Okay, stop it. | ||
| The sound's killing me. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's almost like Taken. | ||
| It's like Taken the Bible. | ||
| It's like, we've got to save our family. | ||
| I'm like, no, wasn't the world covered in water? | ||
| And why is Liam Neeson kicking everybody's ass at 60? | ||
| What's going on there? | ||
| Liam Neeson is in every movie, he's kicking everyone's ass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He has a new one coming out. | ||
| Ass kicker. | ||
| Ass kicker. | ||
| Irish ass kicker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Liam Neeson, Irish ass kicker. | ||
| He's in everything, just kicking ass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wolves. | |
| Kicked wolves' asses. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Come on, you wolf! | ||
| Come on, wolves! | ||
| I'm an Irish ass kicker. | ||
| Is he Irish? | ||
| Is he Irish? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does that make sense? | |
| Liam Neeson? | ||
| I think he's Irish. | ||
| Irish ass kicker. | ||
| He's an Irish ass kicker. | ||
| Good day, mate. | ||
| Justin Martindale. | ||
| How do they find you? | ||
| Just Martindale on Twitter. | ||
| Just Martindale. | ||
| Just Martindale. | ||
| Don't put in Justin Martindale because it's some other dude who got a free tweet the other day. | ||
| Yeah, and he was like... | ||
| You're welcome, bitch. | ||
| I hope a lot of dick got thrown your way because of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Son! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you for having me, Joe. | |
| Thanks for being on, dude. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| We gotta do this more often. | ||
| Absolutely! | ||
| Anytime! | ||
| Come on down, son. | ||
| Let's talk some shit. | ||
| And if people want to see you perform, where are you doing your hilarious stand-up comedy routine? | ||
| I will I'll be at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I'm a regular at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Laugh Factory as well. | ||
| And I'm shooting a pilot this month for the E! Network. | ||
| So check that out. | ||
| Hopefully it'll go. | ||
| I can't say. | ||
| Non-disclosure. | ||
| See, ladies and gentlemen, he's a team player. | ||
| Even under the influence of possibly any illegal drug. | ||
| He's a team player. | ||
| He still sticks to that non-disclosure. | ||
| Put him in your pile! | ||
| Thanks, dude. | ||
| It was a lot of fun, man. | ||
| Hey, Joe. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| Anytime, man. | ||
| Thanks, Brian. | ||
| We'll do it again, for sure. | ||
| I'll see you tonight, Brian. | ||
| Boom, shallot. | ||
| Ew. | ||
|
unidentified
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Leave the back door open. | |
| Hey, you fucks. | ||
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience was brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. | ||
| And 1-800-Flowers. | ||
| Use the code word J-R-E and get yourself a lovely bouquet of fantastic flowers. | ||
| It is a wonderful website. | ||
| It is a good thing to do. | ||
| So go and buy. | ||
| I just bought some with that coupon code at the beginning of the show. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How'd you do that? | ||
| You're so slick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fast. | |
| I checked out with PayPal. | ||
| Goddammit, son. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| How do you work so quickly? | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Let me read the copy because there's anything I need to say. | ||
| Oh yeah, there's a special one that's only for today. | ||
| By Wednesday, February 5th, it ends. | ||
| 24 stunning multicolored roses for only $29.99. | ||
| For just $10 more, you can upgrade them to red roses. | ||
| And this deal ends Wednesday, February 5th. | ||
| 1-800-Flowers.com. | ||
| Enter in the code word JRE. We are also brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| Squarespace.com. | ||
| Use the code word Joe. | ||
| Just J-O-E. And save yourself 10%, you fucks. | ||
| And onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word Rogan and save. | ||
|
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|
10% off of any supplements. | |
| Alright, I'll be back on Friday with Cameron Haynes, very famous elk bowhunter. | ||
| Talk about being specific. | ||
| But a very interesting and inspirational guy. | ||
| I'm looking forward to talking to him. | ||
| I really enjoy his videos online. | ||
| And lots more coming up. | ||
| I've got a lot of interesting guests, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We're going to have some fun. | ||
| Thanks for all the love. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Whether it's on Twitter or Facebook or in real life. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Everybody came to New York. | ||
| Tommy Segura and I had a great fucking time. | ||
| We do always. | ||
| I'm consistently impressed by the quality of people that come to these shows. | ||
| Just awesome fucking human beings. | ||
| And you guys give me hope. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Not that I didn't have hope. | ||
| I'm full of hope, bitch. | ||
| All right. | ||
| See you soon. |
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