Sept. 13, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:50:47
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hey, fuckers. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I am right now in the middle of tweeting this out. | ||
| It's just David Cho, right? | ||
| You don't have anything special? | ||
| No. | ||
| People with crafty Twitter names are a real problem. | ||
| Or the underscore? | ||
| They just have to kill that underscore shit. | ||
| What's your username? | ||
| Underscore name. | ||
| Being named David Cho and being Korean is like being named John Smith. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I went to school with three David Cho's. | ||
| Yeah, I knew a few David Cho's because I grew up doing Taekwondo and there was a lot of David Cho's. | ||
| A lot of Korean kids knew David Cho's. | ||
| And I'm late to the social media game, so when I wanted Twitter at David Cho, I was fucked. | ||
| So what is your Twitter? | ||
| Well, I mean, they gave it to me. | ||
| They gave it to you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so they ganked it from somebody? | ||
| They ganked it. | ||
| Some not-so-famous David Cho? | ||
| Well, someone, like, whenever there's a new social media thing, someone just grabs it, and then I get the email. | ||
| Hey, you want this? | ||
| You want to buy it off me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| And I'm like, no, I'll just be David Cho 1, David Cho 69. I got super lucky with Twitter. | ||
| I got lucky. | ||
| There was like one dude who got the Joe Rogan one, but he wasn't used. | ||
| Joe Rogan is sort of a basic name too, right? | ||
| Yeah, there's a guy named Joe Rogan that's a real estate agent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He's in Idaho. | ||
| He owns JoeRogan.com. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he wanted to sell it, but it was a bit pricey. | ||
| He's a very nice guy. | ||
| He's got a legitimate claim to it. | ||
| What did he want for it? | ||
| A lot of money. | ||
| Like a million dollars? | ||
| No, not that much money. | ||
| But enough that it was a lot. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I don't have a beef with the guy. | ||
| Because it's his website. | ||
| It's his name. | ||
| The idea that it's mine more than it is his is ridiculous. | ||
| He owns it. | ||
| He's Joe Rogan as well. | ||
| That's his name. | ||
| But I'm sure it's confusing. | ||
| No, it was cool. | ||
| I was chodating for a while, and someone at Twitter sent me an email and said, hey, do you want... | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| And I thought, fuck, I'll take it. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| I'm blacklisted on Twitter. | ||
| It used to be so easy to get Redband on everything, and now I can't get it on anything. | ||
| And they still won't verify me, and yet there's like a million fake Redbands. | ||
| Like, there's even fake Redbands selling fake Redband shirts. | ||
| Wait, I don't understand what you said. | ||
| It used to be easy to get Redband? | ||
| It used to be really easy to get Redband on everything, like MySpace, Facebook, whatever. | ||
| But now it's like everyone takes my name, my fake name. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta expect that though. | ||
| And then Twitter, there's like a million fake red bands. | ||
| There's even fake red bands selling fake red band shirts. | ||
| And Twitter won't verify me, so it's just a heyday with my red band name. | ||
| They don't like you. | ||
| Yeah, but it's easy. | ||
| Which one says Redband? | ||
| Which one has 100,000 fucking friends? | ||
| That's the real one. | ||
| Yeah, but there's still idiots like, is this Twitter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Redband wants... | ||
| You're always going to have that. | ||
| You have to just accept that. | ||
| It's just a part of the... | ||
| Why am I blacklisted on Twitter and on whatever that other shit? | ||
| Wikipedia. | ||
| You're not blacklisted. | ||
| They just don't accept you. | ||
| It means you're doing something right, dude. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| It's a nice compliment. | ||
| If you were on any other show... | ||
| If you were on a television show and you were one of the guest stars on the television show, that would be listed in Wikipedia, most likely. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| I want the funniest Instagrammer by LA Weekly. | ||
| That's not bad, man. | ||
| If you were on one legit TV show, like if you did an episode of Stand Up on The Tonight Show... | ||
| If you did one thing, then they'd probably put you on Wiki. | ||
| You could do that too, you know. | ||
| Alright, so I'm going to go do Leno this week. | ||
| That would be really interesting. | ||
| See you do Leno. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| See what material you could do on Leno and what that experience would be like. | ||
| The last episode of Leno, that would be awesome. | ||
| Because he would be like, I don't care. | ||
| And you just tank it. | ||
| Just freak those fucking people out. | ||
| Talk about fucking dolphins on the Leno show. | ||
| Yeah, don't do that, man. | ||
| Anyway, this episode of the podcast is brought to you neither by The Jay Leno Show, nor by any of the other David Cho's, or any of the other Joe Rogans. | ||
| Much love to all of you people. | ||
| We're brought to you by Stamps.com, this episode is. | ||
| Stamps.com is an excellent resource for, if you have your own business, managing it out of your home as far as sending things out. | ||
| If you're trying to sell things and sell them over the internet and send them yourself... | ||
| Most of the time what you have to do is you have to go to the post office, you have to wait in line, and it's really annoying. | ||
| And they figured out a way to make that much easier. | ||
| You can do it from your home. | ||
| You do it from your computer. | ||
| They give you a digital scale. | ||
| They tell you how to do it. | ||
| You print it up on your own printer. | ||
| You print up your postage, and then the postman comes and takes it away, and you're done. | ||
| You cut out so much of the bullshit of going there and waiting in line and dealing with someone who doesn't want to wait your dumb shit. | ||
| You can do it all yourself. | ||
| Get a free digital scale that you should never use for illegal, non-government-sanctioned drugs. | ||
| I say don't use it for that, but if you want to find out, what does a beer weigh in the bottle? | ||
| And you weigh it, that's legal. | ||
| Beer's a legal drug. | ||
| And so we support that at Stamps.com. | ||
| But don't be weighing your mushrooms, you fucks. | ||
| You weirdos. | ||
| Plus you need something a little more accurate. | ||
| You need something really, really accurate for that. | ||
| You don't want to be lying about mushrooms. | ||
| That could be some awful karma. | ||
| If you were selling mushrooms and you were underdosing people... | ||
| I think about dosing my parents all the time. | ||
| That's probably a good idea. | ||
| Don't do it through stamps.com though. | ||
| There's a little old-timey microphone in the upper right-hand corner. | ||
| If you click on it and use the code word JRE, you get a no-risk trial plus a $110 bonus offer, including a digital scale and up to $55 for free postage. | ||
| And we have personal experience with this company because this is exactly how Brian sends out his t-shirts. | ||
| So t-shirts from deskwad.tv, which are all Brian's original art. | ||
| He sends those out through Stamps.com. | ||
| Does it all through his office. | ||
| So it's super easy. | ||
| If a knucklehead like Brian can do it, you can too. | ||
| Right, Brian? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Alright, code words JRE for this special offer. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. And I sound like a robot repeating myself over and over again for this. | ||
| But there's no way around it. | ||
| We have some new primal bells in. | ||
| The primal bells are the kettlebells that were designed by an artist to look like gorillas and chimpanzees and now orangutans. | ||
| And they're fucking badass. | ||
| And they're fun to work out with because they're all legit and balanced out. | ||
| But they're fun because they look like something that might be fucking you up. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| Steven Shubin Jr. is the dude who did the artwork on them. | ||
| He did a badass job. | ||
| And they're really well balanced, too. | ||
| That was super important. | ||
| Although they're these strange shapes, we had to make sure that we kept it balanced. | ||
| So that it doesn't change what a kettlebell workout should be. | ||
| Even though it looks cool, it doesn't change it. | ||
| So check that out at Onnit.com along with all of our various supplements including Testosterone Boosting T+. You ever take a Testosterone Booster? | ||
| I injected myself and ran across the border from Tijuana to the US. It was amazing. | ||
| The Tijuana police even stopped us and they looked at us and they're like, what are you idiots doing? | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| That won't happen through T Plus, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| David Cho was taking a walk on the wild side. | ||
| He was hanging out at that place that Cheech was running. | ||
| You remember from, what was that movie with George Clooney, the vampire movie? | ||
| Oh, Dust Till Dawn. | ||
| Dust Till Dawn. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Of course. | ||
| It was a great movie. | ||
| A great movie. | ||
| Harvey Keitel had a Korean son in that movie. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And it was almost like two different movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like there was this really intense, dramatic movie with this super violent guy and his brother. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Who was trying to keep everything under control. | ||
| It was two separate movies. | ||
| And then all of a sudden there's this wild, crazy monster movie that's really fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Quentin Tarantino is the baddest motherfucker of all time. | ||
| He's pretty bad. | ||
| When it comes to movies... | ||
| That was a Robert Rodriguez movie, right? | ||
| Yeah, but it was amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Quentin Tarantino in that, that's one of my favorite roles of any actor ever playing ever. | ||
| He knows how to play that creepy murderer dude so fucking good. | ||
| It's like bone chilling when you watch that. | ||
| You really believe. | ||
| Anybody who says that Quentin Tarantino can't act, you need to watch him in that movie. | ||
| If you give him the right role, that motherfucker can act his ass off. | ||
| That was a great movie. | ||
| That does till dawn, man. | ||
| He fucking creeped me out because I got new dudes like him. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, there's dudes like that that cross your path in life. | ||
| You'd say, I'm going to go out and get a snack, and you come back, and they just murdered everybody in the room. | ||
| There's a dude that I used to train when I was a kid. | ||
| I was really young. | ||
| I was like 18 and 19. And he was a hitman. | ||
| He was a hitman for local gangsters, Irish gangsters. | ||
| Yeah, and he wound up doing time. | ||
| He wound up getting caught for it. | ||
| And he used to come to my Taekwondo school and he would just like straight ask you how you would kill somebody if you were going to kill somebody. | ||
| He had a crude martial arts background. | ||
| He was a very big, powerful guy. | ||
| But this guy, I knew something was up. | ||
| He would ask you how you would kill someone or you would ask him? | ||
| He was learning how to fight. | ||
| He wanted to learn. | ||
| Oh, he wanted to know how to kill someone. | ||
| He wanted to know. | ||
| He would just flat out ask you. | ||
| He would take the black belts and like, what would you do? | ||
| If you're going to kill somebody, how would you kill somebody? | ||
| And I was like, wow, this guy's pretty intense. | ||
| And then we find out years later, he was a fucking hitman. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you taught him how to kill? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| He already knew how to kill people, trust me. | ||
| Or at least knew how to fuck you up. | ||
| He wanted to tighten up his martial arts technique, but it was just interesting. | ||
| Running into a guy like that that you know is just not playing by the rules we're all playing by. | ||
| We're playing by the be nice rules. | ||
| Most of us on this planet are playing by the be nice rules. | ||
| I want friends. | ||
| I don't want anybody to hate me. | ||
| You want friends. | ||
| You're a nice person. | ||
| When we run into people, we're just trying to be nice to each other. | ||
| For the most part. | ||
| For the most part. | ||
| But every now and then, you run into a dude who's not playing that game. | ||
| You can run into a crazy person. | ||
| For instance, I went on a hike today. | ||
| It's 3 o'clock right now. | ||
| I was like, let's go on a hike. | ||
| And I go hiking with Critter, the guy out there. | ||
| I don't know how we got onto this subject matter, but while we're walking down the thing, we got into an argument. | ||
| And he's like, fuck you, I could rape you if I wanted to right now. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Who said that to you? | ||
| Critter, the guy sitting out there. | ||
| Oh, that's uncomfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I go, what'd you just say? | |
| He's like, I could rape you right now because we're hiking. | ||
| He's like, I'll throw you in the bushes right now. | ||
| I'll rip your legs up and I'll fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And Critter, he can beat the shit out of anybody. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| And overpowering me? | ||
| Yes, he could overpower me. | ||
| But, like... | ||
| That's a weird thing for a friend to say. | ||
| It's a weird thing to say to a friend. | ||
| And also... | ||
| So then we got into it, you know? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And... | ||
| I'm like, okay, if I went to prison or even if Critter's trying to rape me in the mountains right now... | ||
| Okay, physically you get me down. | ||
| I'm fighting you. | ||
| You hold my legs down. | ||
| You punch him in my face. | ||
| You rip my pants down. | ||
| Now you've overpowered me. | ||
| I'm still fighting you, whatever. | ||
| But I was like... | ||
| It takes a special kind of guy. | ||
| There's a guy that will kill you. | ||
| There's a guy that will beat the shit out of you. | ||
| But like... | ||
| Like, Joe's, you're a fighter, and you could probably beat the shit out of me, but you're like, I want to rape Dave Cho. | ||
| You're like, I want, could you, like, even get your dick hard to do that? | ||
| I don't think I could. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You think you could? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| Brian, Brian could just be excited about the possibility of being a guy alive that he could rape. | ||
| That'd be awesome! | ||
| Because you see it in prison movies, and you're like, we need to show, you know, it's the most embarrassing, humiliating thing you could do to a man. | ||
| Hey, we're supposed to start some music, but let's not. | ||
| Let's just keep talking. | ||
| This podcast has begun. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oni.com, go fuck yourself, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, what, like... | |
| That takes this kind of guy that you're talking about, the hitman kind of guy. | ||
| It takes a little bit more than that. | ||
| It takes most likely someone who's probably been molested themselves. | ||
| What are you going to... | ||
| Okay, so you're trying to ultimately beat me physically and then humiliate me, but then you still have to get your dick hard to get it into my butthole. | ||
| Yeah, it's an odd thing to be proud of. | ||
| I think if you're a man and you're doing that, there's a lot of those guys that have probably been molested. | ||
| They've probably been... | ||
| I mean, they say that That's one of the big factors for child molesting is people who were molested themselves as a child. | ||
| I'm not saying that that's child molesting, but fucking rape like that, but it's kind of akin to. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's the number one fear if you're going to go to prison. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sons of Anarchy just started. | ||
| The new season, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| It starts with Otto getting buttfucked. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| And he's the creator of the show, I think. | ||
| So that means he okayed himself getting buttfucked. | ||
| Okayed it? | ||
| The guy probably wrote it in. | ||
| Yeah, he wrote it in. | ||
| With a big smile on his face. | ||
| So he's getting buttfucked, and I'm like... | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| And then the guy implies this is gonna go down on the regular every day now. | ||
| So if you know every morning you're gonna get buttfucked, at what point do you just... | ||
| Give up, like, even fighting it. | ||
| You're just like, do you shit yourself every morning so that the guy has to stick his dick, like, through, like... | ||
| I bet he's not that shy. | ||
| I bet shit's not gonna scare him off. | ||
| If I had to take a wild guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Any guy who's trying to fuck you in the butt every day. | ||
| That guy's not, like, discerning. | ||
| Learn to like it, you know? | ||
| Day two, day three, do you just... | ||
| He could. | ||
| That could be the non-passive Buddha approach. | ||
| Learn to like and learn to be a good wife. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe you actually grow to love each other. | ||
| Try to make yourself look pretty. | ||
| It's a terrible idea to be locked up in jail with a guy who's fucking all the time. | ||
| For sure, your mind would probably try to rationalize and find some way to escape it. | ||
| But think about the performance anxiety of just being with a girl regularly. | ||
| You're with her and then you can't get it up and you're like, oh my god, how embarrassing. | ||
| Think about the performance anxiety of a male rapist who's like, I'm gonna rape this guy. | ||
| You beat him up, you get him down, you rip his pants down, and then you're like, sorry, give me a second. | ||
| You're like, I gotta get this. | ||
| Well, it's a perfect example of rape being not sex. | ||
| Rape is violence. | ||
| A guy fucking and raping a guy, especially if he's not gay, it's a control and violence thing. | ||
| You should get a known male rapist prison guy on the show and ask him what he thinks about to get hard. | ||
| I don't think they could do it. | ||
| They'd have to wear a wrestling mask. | ||
| You got two people now taking their minds to separate places. | ||
| You got the guy getting raped trying to think of anything but getting raped, and you got the rapist trying to think of something to get him hard to rape the guy. | ||
| Yeah, it's an uncomfortable idea. | ||
| But it's also an idea that we kind of understand. | ||
| That's one of the more uncomfortable aspects of it. | ||
| We kind of understand that there are guys out there that would rape somebody. | ||
| They would do it. | ||
| And you trained him to kill. | ||
| I don't think that guy was... | ||
| He could have been a rapist. | ||
| But he definitely at least tried to kill people. | ||
| Or was, I should say, at the very least ready. | ||
| I met a couple guys like that. | ||
| I met a couple guys along the way that were really crazy. | ||
| One of the guys that I used to do martial arts with, he went to jail and came back a completely different person. | ||
| It was weird, man. | ||
| He came out like a wild animal. | ||
| He went in, he was a real tough kid, and he went in when he was like, I guess he was probably like 18 or something like that. | ||
| We were around the same age. | ||
| And when he came out, he came out years later. | ||
| He didn't want to tell everybody he was in jail, so he had this crazy story about being away and helping somebody out or something like that. | ||
| And then eventually he just confessed. | ||
| But then getting to know him, he was a totally different person. | ||
| All of a sudden I had to realize, oh, the last guy, he's not here anymore. | ||
| This is some new dude. | ||
| Now I've got to talk to this new dude. | ||
| And figure out what the parameters of our friendship are, because he seems fucking crazy. | ||
| He's been fighting for his life in a cage for the last four years. | ||
| I mean, the dude went away, and he told me about fights where he tried to beat a guy to death with a mop handle. | ||
| Some guys were coming at him with a shank. | ||
| He came out an animal. | ||
| Yeah, he came out an animal. | ||
| It was for real, wild animal, fight to the death type shit on a regular basis. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, he was in jail for drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And so he was in a serious jail. | ||
| He was in jail, I think, either heroin or cocaine. | ||
| I don't know what it was, but he was fucking nuts when he came out. | ||
| I hate to say how much time I've actually thought about getting fucked in my ass, but because I've been to jail a few times, you know? | ||
| I've never done hard time, but I've been to jail a few times for a few months. | ||
| And, you know, it's like you have to think about it going in. | ||
| Especially being an Asian. | ||
| You go in as a black guy, there's the blacks. | ||
| You go in the Mexican, there's the Mexican gangs. | ||
| You go in the whites, you join the Aryan whatever. | ||
| I have a friend that's Japanese, a little Japanese guy that went to jail. | ||
| And then there's not enough Asians in jail where they just all have to, you know, you have to be friends with the Chinese, the Japanese, the Thai, the Filipino. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| It's not like, oh, because there's so few. | ||
| And come on, let's face it. | ||
| Everyone likes Asian chicks. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Especially this pervert over here. | ||
| So if everyone likes Asian chicks then male rapists want Asian dudes? | ||
| Dude if you're in jail and you're fucking white dudes and hairy afro buttholes and Mexicans and then like a I guess I kinda see your point. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Depends on what you're into. | ||
| Asians are small. | ||
| We're smaller than... | ||
| So if you're a rapist and... | ||
| Look, I'm just... | ||
| This is the things I think about. | ||
| And I get to jail. | ||
| I'm an easy target, you know? | ||
| I'm not a fucking giant guy like... | ||
| He's like, oh, and he doesn't have that much hair. | ||
| Like, I wasn't... | ||
| That's a weird thing to think about. | ||
| How often do you think about this? | ||
| Well, I think about it when I go to court and they go, you're going to jail. | ||
| How many times have you been in jail? | ||
| I've been maybe five times, most of them like just a week or a day, and then the Japan thing where I was for three months, but never more than a few months, you know? | ||
| And I never got raped. | ||
| It's like almost... | ||
| It's almost a weird thing, like I almost wanted it to happen so I could finally... | ||
| Yeah, you didn't try hard enough. | ||
| Because you remember the Edward Norton movie, 25th Hour, where he asked his best friend to beat the shit out of him? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So he would look ugly going in, so he'd look like a badass. | ||
| So I never went that far, but it was like... | ||
| Oh my god, I forgot about that scene. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What a crazy strategy. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like, it's... | ||
| Okay, I get to prison. | ||
| The first day, a white gang, Mexican gang, whatever, is like, let's fucking show the new guy how it's done here. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| At that point, I'm like... | ||
| I'm going to be overpowered, whatever, this and that. | ||
| In my mind, I made it up very early on. | ||
| I was like, I'm not going to get fucked in my ass. | ||
| It's not going to happen. | ||
| If I go to jail and, like, five guys hold me down and fuck my ass or whatever, then I'm going to die the next day. | ||
| I don't want to be the guy that gets... | ||
| I'm going to fucking kill the guy that did that to me. | ||
| And if I die trying, then I'll just be dead. | ||
| But I'm not going to, like... | ||
| You know, if they make me suck their dick, I'll bite their dicks off, you know? | ||
| I'm not... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm not... | ||
| Strong statement. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, I'm not gonna fucking be the guy that just gets buttfucked, you know? | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| What if you like it, though, man? | ||
| That is the problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think you're gonna like it. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Well, you know, you have that bingo button in your prostate or whatever, so... | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| I never push that bitch. | ||
| I don't want that jackpot. | ||
| But on a regular, like... | ||
| You've trained martial arts, this and that. | ||
| I've heard the Bruce Lee story stuff where he's a badass so everyone always tries to fight him. | ||
| On a regular week, how many times does someone try to fight you? | ||
| No, never. | ||
| People never try to fight me. | ||
| I'm very nice. | ||
| Somebody comes up to me. | ||
| I know you're a nice guy, but does people ever go, hey, you think you know how to fight? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm not very impressed with myself. | ||
| I'm not the type of person who brags about what I can and can't do. | ||
| So it's not like I have to respond to things that I've said. | ||
| Like, I could kick this guy's ass. | ||
| I'll fuck that guy up. | ||
| I don't even think like that. | ||
| I do it for me. | ||
| I do it to calm my crazy monkey body. | ||
| I do it to keep my mind straight. | ||
| I do it to give myself something that's very difficult to do. | ||
| Because I think that as a person, oftentimes, We have a lot of intensely built up stress because of the nature of average everyday life in comparison to the nature of ancient... | ||
| I aggressively jerk off everyday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ancient man had a completely different existence. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But we essentially have the same body. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so that body has energy requirements. | ||
| And I find that if I don't test myself in some extreme way on a regular basis, physically, that I can't stay calm. | ||
| Well, I try to push my... | ||
| I've been painting my whole life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I guess, when anyone does anything their whole life, to other people it makes it look easy, right? | ||
| So I'll paint, and I paint quickly, so I don't really spend too much time on anyone painting, you know? | ||
| And that's because I've practiced and practiced, you know? | ||
| Well, it's your style, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You have a very particular style. | ||
| But, you know, people will see me paint and go, oh, I think I could do that. | ||
| Thank you very much for the werewolf that you made me. | ||
| That was cool as shit, dude. | ||
| I wish the framing was done. | ||
| I'd have it hanging up while you're in here. | ||
| That was very cool. | ||
| Well, that was cool to find out how much you liked comics and horror shit growing up. | ||
| That stuff for me is fun to paint. | ||
| To me, it was so fun. | ||
| The old creepy and eerie and all those. | ||
| Dude, you bought me a whole book series, too. | ||
| You're the nicest guy ever, man. | ||
| You bought me a whole book series of those comic book horror things. | ||
| Look... | ||
| You've been doing this show for four years, right? | ||
| Almost, yeah. | ||
| I'm a baby, but you've been on Fear Factor. | ||
| You've been in broadcasting for a while. | ||
| Broadcasting? | ||
| Well, you've been in front of a camera. | ||
| As an entertainer. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I'm new to this shit, and that's another thing for me to challenge. | ||
| My podcast is barely a year old. | ||
| When I did the show for Vice, the thumbs up, I was just fompering and fumbling through, like, making shit up. | ||
| No, no, the Vice things were cool, dude. | ||
| The Vice things got people to know you. | ||
| I first heard about you. | ||
| I'm sorry, go ahead. | ||
| It's just a lot of stuttering, though. | ||
| Yeah, but so what? | ||
| It's a real person. | ||
| There's no script. | ||
| I'm just like... | ||
| And so, to have, like, you, Kevin Smith, Anthony Bourdain, Howard Stern, like, all these guys, like, let me be on the shows and interview them, like, A, I get... | ||
| Ridiculously sick before the show. | ||
| Like, I just get filled up with so much, like, nervous energy. | ||
| Before this show? | ||
| Like, well, I'm more calm now, but, like, the first time I was on your show, I puked, like, outside of Chili's or something right here. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| I would have never believed that. | ||
| You seemed so calm and relaxed. | ||
| Well, also, I had a little food poisoning then, too. | ||
| But just in general, any time, like... | ||
| I have a lot of anxiety with being in front of cameras or anything like this. | ||
| I like it because it makes me nervous in the same way I would like someone to at least attempt to try to buttfuck me in prison. | ||
| It's an insane amount of nervous energy where I get shaky and then I just puke it out and then I'm good. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, it's one of those things that I think once you start it, and then you just get comfortable. | ||
| And so I'm appreciative to you and everyone who's let me be on their show and talk, so I think it's a little bit of a lost... | ||
| Art of writing a nice note. | ||
| It's like, hey bro, had a good time. | ||
| Send a text message. | ||
| It's like, okay, cool, but someone does something nice for you. | ||
| Do something nice. | ||
| Well, I really recognize the gesture and I really appreciate it. | ||
| It was very, very cool of you and very generous. | ||
| I don't want people who have been on the show now to just start sending me shit. | ||
| Like, oh, David Cho says... | ||
| Well, that's the other thing. | ||
| I don't want to send people shit that I hate... | ||
| Like, I have a hard time throwing stuff away and people are like, hey, you're an artist. | ||
| I'm an artist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And they send me a giant, like, shitty painting. | ||
| And I'm like, this is so sweet that you did this, but I sort of feel like shit now because I inspired you to paint this horrible painting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| And I, you know, I have a lot of space to put it, so I'm like, I have a real tough time throwing stuff away. | ||
| But, like, I know you like werewolf shit, and you told me you like the EC horror stuff, so I'm like, Joe will like this. | ||
| Oh, it's very cool. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Very cool. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| And I went to Kevin Smith's house. | ||
| He has a shitload of Batman toys. | ||
| So I'm like, this guy for sure likes Batman toys, but he doesn't have the best ones that I know about. | ||
| So it's like, you know, I like getting people stuff that they want, you know, not like just bullshit, you know? | ||
| No, no, that's very, very cool. | ||
| Very cool of you, man. | ||
| Yeah, you're a very thoughtful guy. | ||
| I would have never thought that you were nervous the first time you did it because you were so calm and normal and relaxed and honest. | ||
| Well, it goes from this. | ||
| It goes from retardedly nervous, like, I can't, like, I get filled with, and one of the main things that people say about me is, like, I interrupt people or I say like too much, but it's because I have so much, it's all in me, and, like, I don't know how this shit goes. | ||
| Well, I've seen you do it, right? | ||
| And I've seen Howard Stern do it, and to me, I see Joe pull up to the show, sit down, have a coffee, and start talking. | ||
| And that's how I do everything. | ||
| That's how I do art. | ||
| People go, what do you think about when you paint? | ||
| I go, I don't think about shit. | ||
| I know you have your deprivation chamber stuff to relax and stuff, but for me, For podcasting, for playing music, for making art. | ||
| I sit there. | ||
| I try to do the Zen meditation shit of just thinking about nothing. | ||
| Just go blank from the Ghostbusters, think of nothing. | ||
| And I just try to think of nothing, and then I just try to explode. | ||
| But then I walked in on... | ||
| The Nerdist, they broadcast from Meltdown, and they had all these writers writing shit, and I think they do that for The Stern Show too, and I'm like, this is crazy! | ||
| They like preparing, they, you know, and so for me, I don't do any of that shit. | ||
| I just show up, I turn the mics on, and I start talking for like 10 hours straight, because I usually do four podcasts back to back, but it fills me with such nervous energy, and it takes me a second where that nervous, I puke it out first, then I calm down, And then in the same way where people are like, oh, when they see me paint, they're like, oh, I could do that because I make it look easy or whatever. | ||
| I do the show with Joe and then I'm like, I think I could kick the shit out of Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not that bad. | |
| I think I could fight him. | ||
| I think I could take him. | ||
| You relaxed. | ||
| Yeah, you relaxed a little bit. | ||
| I think too that it's such a unique medium, the podcast medium. | ||
| And it's really, it's a medium that like works best when you do it this way, in my opinion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think there's two types of podcasts. | ||
| There's like the Dan Carlin type podcast, which we were talking about last night with Wayne Fetterman, who's a buddy of mine, who's a hilarious comedian, who became a fan of that Hardcore History podcast. | ||
| But it's not really a podcast the same way this is. | ||
| It's more like an audio book, like a lecture, a brilliant, entertaining lecture on history. | ||
| That's like a preparatory thing or a preparation thing, but what we do is essentially it's done best when it's like, who is David Cho today? | ||
| We vary. | ||
| Who's David Cho today, September 12, 2013? | ||
| Where are you at right now? | ||
| What's going on right now? | ||
| Where are you at in your laundry list of experiences in this life? | ||
| It's very unique in that way. | ||
| A guy like you, you know, the only way, we were talking about this before we even started, but about people wanting to do something with you, oh, we get you, David Cho. | ||
| We get you. | ||
| We know you're wild. | ||
| We know you're crazy. | ||
| We love that. | ||
| We want you to do that on our thing. | ||
| And then once you get involved with it, you realize, like, oh, no, this is, they don't get me. | ||
| No, no, no, I can't. | ||
| You're telling me to do this, and I want to do that, and you're telling me I can't swear, and I can't say that, and I shouldn't say this, and that'll stop them from advertising, you know, hiccups. | ||
| This to me is the most perfect media to express myself when I'm not painting or doing anything. | ||
| First of all, the shit's free. | ||
| I don't have any ads. | ||
| And you don't have to listen if you don't want. | ||
| I know what I am and I know what I'm not. | ||
| I don't know shit about history. | ||
| I don't remember dates. | ||
| I'm not that smart where I'm going to actually inform you about anything. | ||
| I just know that I have a feeling When I isolate myself, when I'm a bit of a recluse and I don't go out, that the evil thoughts start coming in and I start feeling like a weird person. | ||
| And I'm like, does anyone else feel like this or is it just me? | ||
| And a lot of times it is just me, but I get all... | ||
| Anxiety. | ||
| Anxiety. | ||
| And so then I go see a therapist and I'm like, I don't even know if this is for me. | ||
| So for me, the podcast is me and my friends bullshitting. | ||
| I talk about shit I know, fucking art... | ||
| hanging out this and that and then I could just verbal diarrhea all my problems out and you could listen or you could not listen but by me doing that I'm exercising my demons and you could relate or not relate go this guy's a weirdo or or not and I can only I can only talk about what I what I know and I I'll give you an example I just, for the first time in four years, had my first art show. | ||
| I haven't painted... | ||
| I did a few murals and shit in that time, but not an actual art show in a gallery or museum. | ||
| I'm at a point in my life where money is... | ||
| I don't need to play the money game, which is a very rare thing to say. | ||
| I don't have to make money doing anything. | ||
| I don't have to make money off my podcast. | ||
| I don't have to have an art show and sell it out. | ||
| So if I'm not playing the same game of most humanity, most people will never get a chance to say that, right? | ||
| Like, I don't have to worry about money. | ||
| My kids don't have to worry about money. | ||
| Their children don't have to worry about money. | ||
| So I'm starting to do some more charitable stuff to help people. | ||
| And as far as art goes, I didn't become an artist so that only rich people can afford my art. | ||
| So I'm trying to do shit that's free at museums, more murals, whatever. | ||
| So I did my art show in Mexico. | ||
| But immediately after the art show, and actually it's still up if anyone's in Mexico City and wants to see it, it's at the Museum del Chopo, and it's called Snowman Monkey Barbecue. | ||
| And it's an old gambling term. | ||
| Is that online? | ||
| Can we see that image online? | ||
| Yeah, you can see shit online. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Snowman what? | ||
| Snowmanmonkeybarbecue.mx. | ||
| And so... | ||
| I'm like, that was crazy because I had two and a half weeks to put that show together, you know? | ||
| And I did murals and watercolors and sculptures and all that shit, so... | ||
| Wow, what's going on back there? | ||
| Oh yeah, I just made shit out of... | ||
| Pinata material. | ||
| Oh my god, that fucking thing is huge. | ||
| How big is that, man? | ||
| I don't know, it's like three stories high. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's a real work of art. | ||
| So it's like... | ||
| I haven't painted in four years. | ||
| I'm flumpering around, I'm doing bullshit. | ||
| And then someone's like... | ||
| Here's a space at a museum. | ||
| You got two and a half weeks. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Just puking it all out, you know? | ||
| Brian, go back to that one large image of it, if you would. | ||
| Fill that up with the screen. | ||
| Look at what? | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| You look like a giant eagle-looking thing. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's everything I saw in Mexico, everything that I felt, and I just, you know, and I'm confident at this point in my life to paint, you know. | ||
| When I was younger, I would see something in my head, And the hand-eye coordination of like... | ||
| It wouldn't look exactly how I saw it. | ||
| Now I can make exactly what I see in my head come out, so... | ||
| Dude, your head is filled with chaos. | ||
| You make me nervous just peeing across the table from you. | ||
| That's dope. | ||
| So I just puked that shit out, you know? | ||
| And then... | ||
| Brian, I don't think you can show that. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I don't think we can get in trouble. | ||
| Those were not real, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| They were definitely not real. | ||
| So then I was at a dinner... | ||
| A year earlier, with Anthony Bourdain and David Chang, and there's a food symposium in Copenhagen every year called Mad Symposium, and it's like a food conference, you know? | ||
| And it's just all Michelin star chefs, like the guys that do with food, that kind of shit, you know? | ||
| Dude, that's so cool looking. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| The young child, girl, boy in the lower right-hand corner with the eagle thing over its head. | ||
| What kind of bird is that supposed to be? | ||
| If you saw that in detail, it just goes deeper and deeper. | ||
| Like, the girl's being eaten by, like, a parrot, but then her beak turns into another thing, and then there's a blue dog. | ||
| I try to... | ||
| It's fractal, almost. | ||
| Well, I try to do this, like... | ||
| Well, I could talk to you about it because you understand the ayahuasca. | ||
| The ayahuasca opens something inside me where I'm tripping all the time now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I'm tripping all the time. | ||
| Let's go to a doctor. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| They broke your trip button. | ||
| No, it's crazy, man. | ||
| Like, I don't know... | ||
| Like, in what way are you tripping all the time? | ||
| Like, it's happening, you know, like you do mushrooms or you do ayahuasca and then you start seeing shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just happening all the time now. | ||
| So you see it all the time? | ||
| It's all the fucking time. | ||
| Like, you'll just be sitting down one day. | ||
| I'm seeing it right now. | ||
| What are you seeing? | ||
| Like, there's like a train track right here and then there's like weird colors coming down this way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't want to sound like a weirdo, but it's... | ||
| Oh, it's too late. | ||
| Look, you're an awesome weirdo. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with being a weirdo. | ||
| I don't try to fight it. | ||
| The images are just exploding. | ||
| I mean, I could differentiate between reality and whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But it's... | ||
| If I just close my eyes, like, that time before you fall asleep and I just lay there, I could just watch, like, this symphony of... | ||
| I don't know what it means. | ||
| I don't try to make sense of it, but it's happening. | ||
| So it happens on a super regular basis. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| And it only happened once you had your initial ayahuasca experience. | ||
| I did, yeah, in one year I did mushrooms a few times and I did ayahuasca three times back to back. | ||
| And since then... | ||
| It opened something inside me. | ||
| And, you know, it's the same visions that I would see, like, if I had a dream or whatever. | ||
| But now it's just all the time. | ||
| There's no, like, oh, now I'm going to trip. | ||
| And the ayahuasca on the third night, it talks to me. | ||
| And it said to me, don't ever do this again. | ||
| You got your homework now. | ||
| You know what you need to do. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I wrote everything down and said, you need to do this, this, and this. | ||
| And it gave me instructions of all the shit I need to do for the rest of my life. | ||
| Like, I couldn't do it eight lifetimes, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| 20 lifetimes. | ||
| And it says, you could abuse anything, right? | ||
| I could start doing ayahuasca recreational. | ||
| And it's a powerful tool, and I don't want to abuse that, you know? | ||
| So, I'm like, why would I need to do something I mean, I think I could still function as a human, but it's all the time. | ||
| It's open now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it's cool. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| You like it? | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| It's not like maddening or whatever. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I wish, this is one of those days where like, you know, if you and I were not in the same room, and I'd say, well, show me what it looks like. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, if you were describing a physical object, you could take a photo of it and send it to me. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| One day, I hope that technology exists and I can actually see what you're seeing. | ||
| Like, can you imagine if we found out that, like, your version of, like, various things that you're looking at is different than my version? | ||
| Because you do it, and you're like, it's crazy, Dave! | ||
| And I go, but explain crazy! | ||
| And I'm like, is your crazy the same thing that I'm seeing, you know? | ||
| Well, it's like how much of what you impart as beauty to something is based on your own personal or cultural context. | ||
| And if you could absorb another person's views. | ||
| Maybe an actual visualization of something is not just the image itself, it's the emotions attached to the image automatically by the mind. | ||
| And I think we all have different ones of those, which is why some dudes like girls that are really kind of overweight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, and some girls like really skinny guys or some, you know, it's like something triggers in you. | ||
| Well, one thing when people do like dream analysis and shit, like what does it mean, this and that, one thing that I try to, that I do a lot is I overanalyze stuff. | ||
| Like why did I just draw this guy's own dick going into his own butt? | ||
| Or why did I draw, like, a blue... | ||
| Over and over again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why did I draw... | ||
| Yeah, why did I draw... | ||
| Why did you draw that a hundred times? | ||
| Well, that movie, Superbad, when the guy keeps drawing the dicks, I was like, why didn't I get that job? | ||
| Nobody draws veins on a dick better than me. | ||
| Dude, that was... | ||
| That hit... | ||
| That hit so close to home. | ||
| But it's everywhere. | ||
| If you go to any country and you take a shit in any public bathroom, someone always draws a dick. | ||
| What is that desire to draw? | ||
| A dick, a peace symbol, a fuck you, you know, it always goes back to the dick. | ||
| Well, who are these bathroom philosophers? | ||
| I do it. | ||
| What is their quest? | ||
| People who write like shit down on a wall? | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| It's like we're all admitting that we're experiencing the same uncomfortable moment. | ||
| So here's something to think about, distract you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, so when you have dreams and you have visions and you're like, what did that mean? | ||
| Did something happen in my life that day? | ||
| I did a lot of overanalyzing like that. | ||
| Like, why am I seeing this right now? | ||
| why is this dog's head exploding and then a mushroom's coming out and then flowers are coming out of the mushrooms and this and and it's turning into my mother's face slapping like what instead of thinking about that i just watch it now instead of trying to be like why is that happening it's just like cool this is happening and in the same way that mural everyone's like it just kept changing every day and it's like what is it is it a animal or is it this and what was happening in my life during that time | ||
| first of all there's an unbelievable amount of pressure as an artist after not having a show in four years to you know every time i do a show i want it to be the best show i've And this was, like, such a small amount of time to put that much art together that I was, you know, everyone's like, you fucking bitches in Mexico. | ||
| I'm like, I'm working! | ||
| I didn't go to Mexico to fuck, you know? | ||
| But... | ||
| You have a very strange way of saying fuck. | ||
| How do I say it? | ||
| It's very bold. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's got bravado to it, like you're wearing a cape. | ||
| I didn't go to Mexico to fuck. | ||
| No, it's like you have a confident way of saying fuck. | ||
| What do I like to do, fuck? | ||
| You're almost defiant in your tone. | ||
| So, I gotta tell you what happened. | ||
| I... You know, cause every... | ||
| I'm gonna go off subject just for a second, cause... | ||
| No way. | ||
| Every time... | ||
| Not on this show. | ||
| Every time I think... | ||
| Wow, I've experienced a new sexual thing that I've never, like, this is insane. | ||
| How many are left? | ||
| When a girl shoots an ice cube up my butthole or, you know, like, or, like, when I'm laying down and then, like, five women are just giving me a massage just using their tongues, I'm like, it's not going to get better than this, you know? | ||
| You're living like a baller. | ||
| Damn, I didn't know it went over two-handed. | ||
| I thought it just stopped there. | ||
| You got five-handed? | ||
| And then so I meet a guy yesterday and he's like, oh yeah, we did some red rope shit and this and that. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't know what that is. | ||
| He's like, you don't know what a red rope service is? | ||
| And I go... | ||
| No, but please tell me. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you talking about right now? | ||
| My name is Marty, and I'm the inventor of the red rope service. | ||
| So I'm, like, sitting there. | ||
| Okay, so you're laying on your, it's a massage parlor. | ||
| You go, it's a service. | ||
| It's not a name of a place. | ||
| Oh, it's a move. | ||
| It's like a code word. | ||
| You go, can I get the red rope? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So you're getting a massage, and I think it's only in Asia, and you're laying on your back, and then you go, you know, you get to the happy ending point where she gets your day card and everything, and you're like, I would like the red rope. | ||
| At this point, she ties a rope, and here's the crazy part. | ||
| It doesn't have to be red. | ||
| It's just a rope. | ||
| And they tie it to the, whatever, the bars above the massage table. | ||
| And they hook their feet on it, so they're upside down. | ||
| And so they start spinning around. | ||
| And then they put their mouth on your hard dick. | ||
| And then they let go. | ||
| And they helicopter their mouth around your dick. | ||
| All the way... | ||
| And I've never done it before, but the guy says it feels like your dick's gonna, like you've never felt anything like that before in your life. | ||
| And it feels like your dick is just gonna explode with, you know, like a neutron bomb and explosion. | ||
| And then it's done, and it stops, and then it spins the other way around. | ||
| Dude, listen. | ||
| Leave it to the crafty Asians. | ||
| Always! | ||
| Figuring out something like that. | ||
| It's unbelievable, because they... | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| They really, like, take sex to another level. | ||
| Like, they try to figure out the most pleasurable things to do to you, and then they do them, you know? | ||
| Well, they wrote books about it. | ||
| I mean, you know, what is that book? | ||
| What's the fucking famous tantric book? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck is that book? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| What is that? | ||
| Tantra love book. | ||
| Well, here's the thing about the red rope. | ||
| Or any of that shit. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| What is that book? | ||
| I do that tantric shit, you know? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| What's the name of the book, though? | ||
| There's a famous name that if you find it over people's house, you're like, oh, they're a freak. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| I am a student of tantra. | ||
| Have you ever had a soapy where you're on a raft and they put soap all over you and then you just rub your body up and down? | ||
| Brian, I've done it all. | ||
| The red rope. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| Here's all the shit that we're talking about, right? | ||
| The soapy raft, the red rope, whatever. | ||
| Kama Sutra. | ||
| The Kama Sutra. | ||
| I mean, duh. | ||
| Here's the thing about all these weird sex things, especially like at a massage parlor where they do those things. | ||
| You're like, how does one girl do the red rope? | ||
| She had to learn it from... | ||
| They have to teach. | ||
| Someone who does a happy ending, like, amazingly, the quality of service has to maintain. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, how can one girl give the best handjob? | ||
| She had to learn it. | ||
| So, that's another thing I think about, you know? | ||
| Who's teaching them? | ||
| Who's teaching them? | ||
| Is it a class? | ||
| Who's the guinea pig? | ||
| The guy who owns the building. | ||
| Who's the guinea pig? | ||
| The guy who owns the building. | ||
| He's got a fucking big mayonnaise jar filled with Viagra. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So, I don't know if you know this, Joe, but I like to gamble. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I haven't gambled in almost a year and eight months now. | ||
| No one's counting. | ||
| But I used to gamble in Macau. | ||
| Macau is like Vegas times ten, right? | ||
| It's Vegas times a thousand. | ||
| A thousand. | ||
| They do shit in Macau that shits on... | ||
| Like one good casino in... | ||
| And Macau makes more money than all of Las Vegas. | ||
| What? | ||
| Like, their Venetian out there is two football fields wide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Like, it's crazy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And they have chips, like, you know, you go to Vegas and you see black chips and green chips, whatever. | ||
| They have like square chips the size of this. | ||
| And you're like, what's that? | ||
| And they're like, that's a million dollars. | ||
| A million dollars. | ||
| China? | ||
| If you ever thought China is going to run the world, yes. | ||
| The answer to that is yes. | ||
| They don't give a shit. | ||
| They have money there that it's like, you wouldn't even fucking understand. | ||
| Is that a good thing or a bad thing if China runs the world? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| I mean, you say China, and everybody goes, Communism, Tiananmen Square. | ||
| Those are the two things that come up. | ||
| Communism, Tiananmen Square. | ||
| And then you say America, and what do they say? | ||
| Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Kent State. | ||
| Well, it all depends on whether you like Chinese food or not. | ||
| If you like MSG. Then it's good? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Chinese people running shit? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I do know that if you... | ||
| To the three listeners out there that are into Asian guys... | ||
| If you like Asian dudes, if you like the hairless body and all that shit, date a Chinese guy. | ||
| From China. | ||
| Because there's so many of them. | ||
| Because you don't want to date a Korean because they're fucking assholes. | ||
| They're stubborn, insecure, judgmental assholes. | ||
| You don't want to date a weird Japanese guy. | ||
| China, Chinese, like to fuck. | ||
| They like to fuck a lot. | ||
| That's why there's billions of them. | ||
| There's more Chinese people... | ||
| Got a good point there. | ||
| What is that point? | ||
| They don't like to pull out, they like to come inside, and they like to have babies. | ||
| So much that there's billions of them, overpopulation. | ||
| What does the Chinese government do? | ||
| You can only have one child now. | ||
| You can only have one. | ||
| If you can only have one, what do you want? | ||
| A boy. | ||
| What do the Chinese people do now? | ||
| For years now, you can only have one kid or else you have to pay crazy taxes. | ||
| So if you're Chinese and you have brothers and sisters, that means your parents are probably rich. | ||
| So you abort till you have a son. | ||
| So what does that do to the population now? | ||
| There's way more boys than there's women. | ||
| What does that do? | ||
| Now, in the same way they used to do the Russian mail order bride, now they do that for China with Vietnamese and Filipino. | ||
| There's not enough women so that they need to do Filipino mail order bride, Thai mail order bride. | ||
| And what does that do? | ||
| There's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know statistics, but I think it's something like for every 10 guys, there's one girl. | ||
| So what does that do to the entire country? | ||
| It creates homosexuality, more, higher numbers, and... | ||
| If you're a dude and you're lucky enough to get a girlfriend, you're going to treat her amazing. | ||
| You're going to treat her like a fucking princess. | ||
| So, ladies, if you like Asian dudes, get a Chinese guy. | ||
| Well, it seems like a recipe for fucking chaos because it doesn't seem like if you live like that and you only have one child and the majority of them are men, first of all, it doesn't feel like that's sustainable, but it feels like people are going to be so unhappy. | ||
| People are going to be so crazy and unhappy. | ||
| Well, one answer is to get this book called Akama Sutra and learn some tantric shit so you don't fucking come inside and have so many goddamn babies, you know? | ||
| That's not going to help at this point. | ||
| At this point, it seems like when you have that situation already in place where you're only allowed to have one kid, so you have this excess of males and this completely imbalanced setup, whenever you have imbalance like that, it creates unrest. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| What they could be doing is just setting up their entire country To change the tone of the country. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, here's the thing that I know. | ||
| I know when shit is fucking crazy because the art gets really good, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The art in China is better than the art in the rest of the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because they have been tormented. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because they have been living under communism. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like, Brian only fucks porn stars, and he thinks it's gonna be a step up for him to start dating artists? | ||
| That is, like, ten steps down. | ||
| Wait till you hear his comedy after he starts dating an artist. | ||
| It'll be the best comedy he's ever done in his life. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they're crazy? | ||
| They're horrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Horrible people. | |
| Especially ones that paint a lot of self-portraits of themselves. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| Give me a fucking break. | ||
| Hey, let's not get specific here. | ||
| Let's not get specific. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yes, I know exactly what you're saying. | ||
| So, like... | ||
| So, I'm in China, and I'm gambling, and... | ||
| And I get stressed out, and they go, do you want to go get a massage? | ||
| And I told the guy, he goes, you know, a massage or a massage? | ||
| And I go, no, seriously, like a regular massage, I want to calm down. | ||
| So he gives me the number for this place in like Old Macau, and I go in, and it's amazing. | ||
| It's like giant, huge sofas where you can kick back, and the guy runs and goes, do you want a sandwich and some ramen or whatever? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, give me some noodle soup, give me a ramen. | ||
| Then a dude rolls up, and he's like, You got some, like, hard skin on the bottom of your feet. | ||
| You want me to shave that off? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, fuck yeah, you know? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Manny Petty, dude. | ||
| A Manny Petty? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I got a dude shaving with a razor blade, like, the hard skin off the bottom of my feet. | ||
| And then a little girl just comes and sits on my shoulder, and she goes, do you want your ears clean? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| And she's doing, like, little flowery shit, blowing in my ear, digging all this, like, earwax out. | ||
| And I'm like, I feel like a goddamn princess right now. | ||
| And then I sold a sort of like milfy older, not that attractive, but you know, got some weird milf vibe. | ||
| That's my type. | ||
| Comes up and goes, do you want a leg massage? | ||
| And this is all like 30 bucks. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, like now I got three people catering to me. | ||
| I got one dude on my feet, one chick cleaning my ears. | ||
| And I think at one point I had four, like one chick was like, do you want a head scalp massage? | ||
| And I was like, let's just do the whole thing, you know? | ||
| So you're just sitting there like a goddamn king. | ||
| And then the lady that's giving me my thigh massage, she's like sitting on a little stoop between me, rubbing my legs, rubbing my calves. | ||
| And then once in a while she goes from one leg and then she goes to the other leg. | ||
| And one time when she went to the other leg, her hands scraped the bottom of my balls. | ||
| I was like, oh, whoops, sorry. | ||
| Like, was that an accident? | ||
| And then... | ||
| Did you ask? | ||
| Well, I was like, oh, that's sort of cool, you know? | ||
| Did you say something? | ||
| I didn't say anything. | ||
| I was getting my ears, whatever. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| A lot was going on. | ||
| But then she goes to the other leg, and this time she grabs my balls. | ||
| I go, that's not an accident. | ||
| So I'm like... | ||
| Monkey grabs the peach. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm sitting there, and she starts... | ||
| What's that image? | ||
| Monkey grabs a peach. | ||
| And so now she's giving me an HJ, but not like an aggressive HJ. It's like she's just playing with my balls. | ||
| You get so many hand jobs, you've broken it down to two letters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just the old HJ. Well, there's the dry HJ, there's a wet HJ. Rub Maps terminology right there. | |
| Do you have the monkey steals the peach? | ||
| But she's just giving me like... | ||
| Just like a boring... | ||
| Right. | ||
| She's not trying to get me off. | ||
| She's just massaging. | ||
| She's just being nice to you. | ||
| But then I start getting hard and I'm laying on a sofa thing like this right next to my friend. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like our feet are touching. | ||
| Oh, that's kind of gay. | ||
| So I'm like, it's kind of gay. | ||
| You're like, dude, push off me. | ||
| I'm getting hard. | ||
| I feel the firm bottoms of your feet. | ||
| I want a toe shake with you. | ||
| But there's a blanket over my dick. | ||
| So I start getting hard and she starts hitting it on her hand and showing my friend. | ||
| She's like, look, your friend very hard. | ||
| And I'm like, don't do that. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| And I'm like, this is weird. | ||
| I'm getting a sexual act while other people are like manicuring me, you know? | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And then it's 15 minutes and she stops and she goes, do you want it to go on or whatever? | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Let's stop for right now. | ||
| Let me just try to figure out what just happened right now. | ||
| He's like a business manager. | ||
| Let's stop for right now. | ||
| Let's stop for right now. | ||
| And we're going to get the team together and assess where we go from here. | ||
| So they all stop. | ||
| They go away. | ||
| And I go, bro, that girl said, do you want a thigh massage? | ||
| And she was massaging my balls. | ||
| And he's like, that was awesome. | ||
| And then we're talking and we're looking at everyone. | ||
| So we look like... | ||
| The feet manicured people are mostly dudes. | ||
| The ear cleaning chicks are usually like really small because they sit on you. | ||
| And the thigh massage ladies, for the most part, and they all have different color jackets. | ||
| This is what my job is. | ||
| So the thigh massage ladies are all MILFs. | ||
| They're all older. | ||
| And they're not all hot. | ||
| Some of them aren't even hot. | ||
| Then I saw one with a thigh massage jacket that was young and beautiful. | ||
| And I said, hey, hey, hey, thigh massage, thigh massage. | ||
| And she's like, ah, she had a weird look. | ||
| And I was like, what, what, what? | ||
| And then the old one that just gave me one comes and goes, you don't want her. | ||
| And I was like, no, no, no, I do. | ||
| And she goes, first day, doesn't know what she's doing. | ||
| And you're like, perfect. | ||
| Perfect, I want her. | ||
| And she goes, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| And she goes, You don't want her. | ||
| Like, I'll do it again. | ||
| I know what I'm doing. | ||
| And I go, no, no, no. | ||
| I want her. | ||
| And she's like... | ||
| They start speaking in Chinese and they go, like, okay. | ||
| And then all this shit I'm talking about, the dreams came true. | ||
| They tell me to get up. | ||
| I go into a side room and she trains her on me. | ||
| I'm the guinea pig. | ||
| They never even look at me. | ||
| The young one's like, this? | ||
| He's like, no, no! | ||
| And she starts yelling, like this! | ||
| And they're having a fight, arguing over my dick, practicing giving me a handjob, and I'm like, this is the best day of my life. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'm the guinea pig of the girl that gets trained on how to give a thigh massage. | ||
| And you're in Macau. | ||
| And I'm in Macau. | ||
| You must have felt like you were in an Indiana Jones movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I always feel like I'm in an Indiana Jones movie, but I'm always short round. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds incredible. | |
| That sounds like the craziest, freakiest experience ever. | ||
| It was amazing, and it was nothing close to sexual for them. | ||
| I was just a fucking piece of meat. | ||
| She was like, like this? | ||
| No, no, no, no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like this! | |
| That's so amazing. | ||
| I was like, I want this to go on forever. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| So things like this happen, and then I have, you say, I say, fuck. | ||
| I talk about this shit, you know? | ||
| And it's like, it's sort of like suicide to just keep openly talk about. | ||
| But the freaky chicks that listen to me, they hear me say a story like this, and then they're like, oh, I'll fucking, I'll do some shit to him that he's never. | ||
| Why would you say it's suicide to talk about things like this? | ||
| There was a girl that I really liked a long time ago when I did a different podcast called Kareem's Gone Bad. | ||
| And I was considering... | ||
| I've been single for eight years now. | ||
| And I was considering dating her. | ||
| Settling down. | ||
| And she goes... | ||
| First thing was, no more podcasts. | ||
| Like, I can't be with a dude that's talking about... | ||
| People practicing handjobs on his dick, you know? | ||
| Which makes sense. | ||
| You know, you don't want to be with... | ||
| Right. | ||
| I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, you know? | ||
| So, it's so... | ||
| You know, when I put all my shit out there... | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I'm on a... | ||
| I have my own podcast, DVD, ASA, where... | ||
| You know, Austin's a porn star, but everyone else on the show, they don't want to share that shit, and that makes sense, you know? | ||
| They're not, you know... | ||
| Yeah, but she knows who you are, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| I mean, you are who you are. | ||
| You're a very interesting guy. | ||
| The idea that everyone has to be uniform. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| And that we all have to fit into the same pattern of control. | ||
| Well, what's happened is I've turned into like... | ||
| When guys look at a chick and they're like, she's a slut. | ||
| You're a male slut? | ||
| That's a chick you fuck, but you would never take home to your mom. | ||
| That's how girls look at me now. | ||
| I think some do, but some probably don't. | ||
| Which I love. | ||
| They think that it's probably like a challenge to be the girl that cracks his... | ||
| His mind open. | ||
| It's exciting to me because this is what married guys say to me. | ||
| Don't you get sick of it, Dave? | ||
| No, you know why they say that? | ||
| Don't you get sick of it. | ||
| They want you to join their misery. | ||
| And I get it because I know some famous people that do fuck a lot and they say this shit like you're getting dangerously close to start sucking dick. | ||
| What? | ||
| It happens, you know? | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| This is the problem with married people. | ||
| This is coming from a dude who's married. | ||
| Married people are much like people that want you to use the same cell phone service as them. | ||
| They're like, dude, why are you with Verizon? | ||
| AT&T, you can answer your phone. | ||
| And they get real passionate about it. | ||
| They want you to be miserable with them. | ||
| For whatever reason. | ||
| And it's not a knock on AT&T. It's just an example. | ||
| Whether it's Windows or PC. There's people that want you to use what they use. | ||
| And people who are married are like, come on, dude. | ||
| Why don't you just fucking get married, man? | ||
| Become one of us. | ||
| They just want you to... | ||
| They have accepted this new stage of existence. | ||
| And they want, for whatever reason, everybody else to be exactly like them or it becomes uncomfortable. | ||
| Because I do the same thing. | ||
| I go, why don't you just get divorced and come fuck all these girls with me? | ||
| Take my sloppy seconds, you know? | ||
| I got hit with a pussy bar. | ||
| Take some shrapnel, you know? | ||
| Take my sloppy seconds. | ||
| What a great sales pitch, Dave. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| I don't give a shit, dude. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| You go first. | ||
| I'll take sloppy seconds. | ||
| This is a mess. | ||
| This podcast is an M-E-double-S. Guys are like, ew, dude. | ||
| You're gonna fuck a girl? | ||
| I was like, you guys all go first. | ||
| You can go first. | ||
| You can take sloppy seconds. | ||
| I'll go last. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'll eat Joe and Brian's come out of a pussy. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| How dare you! | ||
| I'm not gay, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, that would, you know, I can see how some girls would have a problem with that. | ||
| No, but Joe, I understand that because it's sort of true. | ||
| They go, don't you get sick of that? | ||
| Another sex story? | ||
| Another fucking quadruple handjob? | ||
| Another, like, tongue? | ||
| I have a problem with people that have a problem with people that don't get tired of shit. | ||
| Like, why do you care? | ||
| People have called me a misogynist. | ||
| I love, love women. | ||
| I love them, and I'm not sick of it. | ||
| I can see the feelings of maybe I'll get bored of this one day, but in eight years I haven't. | ||
| But why is that a point of concern for you if you're a happy person? | ||
| If life truly is a temporary existence, and if you are a good person, and you are, you're a very nice guy. | ||
| So if those bases are covered, then what difference is there? | ||
| I'm going to do some Asian math for you. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I'm 80% happy. | ||
| 80% of my life I'm happy with how I'm living it, what I'm doing. | ||
| 20% of my life is miserable. | ||
| I look at married people, I go, I want that. | ||
| I look at this and that, but I go, at the end of the day, when I do the math part, the Asian math part, I'm like, my life is so fucking awesome. | ||
| Whatever that next 20% to fill up that, to make it a 100% whatever, has to be so fucking amazing that I'm going to fucking risk what I have right now, you know? | ||
| So there's parts of my life that I'm like, oh shit, you know. | ||
| I don't have a wife. | ||
| I don't have kids that say I love you, dad. | ||
| Shit like that. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| 80%. | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
| Don't have to give that up to, you know. | ||
| But you don't know, Dave. | ||
| You don't know the love of a child. | ||
| That's some shit. | ||
| I know, but you also don't know the love of two fucking women fighting over your dick that don't speak English. | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| Either or. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| And the real problem is people want it to be the way they're living only. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| I don't say never. | ||
| You know when someone goes, hey Dave, are you gay? | ||
| I go, not yet. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I might be one day. | ||
| So I might be married one day. | ||
| People go, are you going to get married? | ||
| And I used to say, no, I'm never getting married. | ||
| But I might one day. | ||
| I don't know if I'm not... | ||
| Dude, there's nothing wrong with anything you're saying. | ||
| But here's the thing that I do see with guys that fuck a lot. | ||
| Is they get into the... | ||
| You know, this, that, the group sex, the anal, threesomes. | ||
| Then it goes to trannies, shemales. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Sorry, sorry, sorry. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Trannies is derogatory. | ||
| It is now, Wyatt. | ||
| Or TS. Transgender. | ||
| Dude, I got attacked by the transgenders. | ||
| Yes, me too. | ||
| Tranny is like saying nigger or jap or... | ||
| You say TS or trans or transsexual. | ||
| TS. Like, you know when midgets get mad for... | ||
| It's little people or... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's... | |
| FS with a TS. I don't know. | ||
| So... | ||
| But, you know, you keep... | ||
| You know, it's when you catch Hugh Grant or Eddie Murphy and they're with, like... | ||
| It's because they've already fucked Elizabeth Hurley. | ||
| They've already fucked the hottest supermodels, and then they want something else, you know? | ||
| So I understand that too, and people are like, Dave, the path you're on, you're gonna start letting guys suck your dick. | ||
| Just for fun. | ||
| Just to feel the stubble on your balls, you know? | ||
| You're getting there, and I'm like... | ||
| It's possible, right? | ||
| It is possible. | ||
| Anything's possible, man. | ||
| I see fucking blue snakes in this room right now. | ||
| As your friend, I would say it's possible. | ||
| And I would say don't worry. | ||
| Because it's not the worst thing that can happen to you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a lot worse shit. | ||
| But I'm going to bring all this shit back to Mexico. | ||
| So this is what's going on in my life. | ||
| And people tell me shit about the red rope. | ||
| But I get to Mexico. | ||
| I'm not there to fuck. | ||
| I'm there to paint. | ||
| But, you know the thing about love? | ||
| The funny thing about love? | ||
| You never know when it's gonna hit, right? | ||
| I can see you entering through bead doors. | ||
| Remember those bead doors that they used to have when you would buy porn when you were a kid? | ||
| In Mexico, I painted with one of the last living Mexican surrealists, Pedro Fredoberg, which was an amazing experience. | ||
| What is his actual name? | ||
| Pedro Fredoberg. | ||
| Pedro Fredoberg. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's old school. | ||
| He's like 80 years old, still drinks mezcal, smokes, and we just sat and painted. | ||
| But I also met... | ||
| The greatest comedian of all time. | ||
| Of all fucking... | ||
| Joey Diaz? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Joey Diaz is funny, but this... | ||
| This is on some next level shit. | ||
| What's this guy's name again? | ||
| Pedro... | ||
| Fredo... | ||
| Fredo... | ||
| F-E-R-O... He's a Jewish-Mexican, so it's... | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I'm looking him up. | ||
| Oh, there he is. | ||
| He's like the MC Escher of Mexican art, you know? | ||
| So I'm having, like, this... | ||
| I'm painting with him for the show. | ||
| I'm painting my own shit. | ||
| And you never know when love's gonna hit you, you know? | ||
| So I meet this girl in Mexico, my Mexican girlfriend. | ||
| My friends love calling her that. | ||
| And she doesn't have a phone that I can text her. | ||
| So we have a super like WB Dawson's Creek kind of relationship where she lives two blocks from my studio. | ||
| And to contact me, she has to throw rocks or lighters or sticks at my window. | ||
| Oh, that's beautiful. | ||
| So I'm like, cool. | ||
| This is what it feels like to be a normal person. | ||
| Every morning I wake up and I have a job to paint this show. | ||
| It's not like, oh, next week I'm going to be in Cambodia. | ||
| It's like, every day I'm painting. | ||
| So that feels regular. | ||
| And now I have this chick that really likes me. | ||
| She's an architect. | ||
| I like her. | ||
| And this is what it feels like to have a girlfriend, you know? | ||
| So I'm like, cool. | ||
| And she's super busy, so she doesn't have that much time for me anyways. | ||
| And we didn't have sex right away. | ||
| I really liked her. | ||
| And she did this weird move that we talk about on our show all the time, which is black people, when they have sex with Asa, they never take their shoes off or their socks off. | ||
| They need traction. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| She says they'll even take their pants off and their shoes to take the pants off and then put the shoes back on. | ||
| They want to be able to fuck with a lot of force behind it. | ||
| And she was the same way. | ||
| She's like, I won't take my socks off the first time we did it. | ||
| The lights were off. | ||
| She's like, I'm not taking my socks off. | ||
| I'm like, oh, like black guys. | ||
| And she goes, no, like Woody Allen. | ||
| And I go, oh, I don't. | ||
| Stop saying that. | ||
| So I'm fucking her and the whole time she's like, like Woody Allen. | ||
| I'm like, stop saying Woody Allen. | ||
| I really like this girl. | ||
| This is a joke that I've killed but I keep saying. | ||
| It's the worst STD you could possibly catch. | ||
| Feelings. | ||
| I like her. | ||
| It's going good. | ||
| All of a sudden, the show became a relationship advisor, David Cho. | ||
| And one night, because she loves drinking, she's a hard-drinking Mexican, sloppy, we're having sloppy sex, and she goes, you like my little piece? | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| And she goes, I have a little piece. | ||
| And her English isn't perfect, so I go, I don't know what you're saying right now. | ||
| And she goes, it's really shy, and it doesn't come out all the time. | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| And she goes, you know, like a little penis. | ||
| And I go... | ||
| And the thing is, every night, every day that I painted in Mexico, my hands are caked in paint. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I would come home and I'd scrub them so she would let me finger her, you know? | ||
| And... | ||
| Girls... | ||
| You know... | ||
| Joe, you know how many urinary tract infections... | ||
| This podcast is the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life. | ||
| I know, me too. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Joe, you know how many urinary tract infections these hands have given? | ||
| I know now. | ||
| I... Wow. | ||
| I cut my nails. | ||
| I scrub them. | ||
| Even with the scrubbing, I get some paint on still. | ||
| But if I'm painting a giant mural like that, I'm going for it. | ||
| My hands are covered in paint. | ||
| And then the chemicals you use to take the paint off as well, right? | ||
| Doesn't that linger in the skin? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So I go home and I spend hours cleaning my hands because I want a finger. | ||
| Could you get a chick drunk with turpentine? | ||
| I'm sure you can, you know? | ||
| It seems like that would absorb in the skin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, somehow or another. | ||
| That guy's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That doesn't clean. | |
| That guy's a weird guy. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| Don't say shit like that, dude. | ||
| If you just stopped and thought about half the shit you said, just cut out half of them, you'd be amazing. | ||
| You'd be like the greatest podcast sidekick of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| Right now you're number two. | ||
| What do you get from... | ||
| I don't know who number one is. | ||
| What do you do from that, Joe? | ||
| You started having sex with a girl you really like. | ||
| She doesn't speak perfect English. | ||
| Man, I don't know. | ||
| And she tells you in the middle of the night she has an extra piece that only comes out sometimes. | ||
| You would have to really decide how much you liked her. | ||
| I really did like her. | ||
| So what difference does it make? | ||
| I've seen... | ||
| I've had a girl that tied that up. | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| She said it and immediately my brain goes... | ||
| She's a transgender. | ||
| That's what you thought. | ||
| She said it and immediately my brain goes, oh my god, I'm going to lose my boner right now. | ||
| I'm like, I'm with a guy. | ||
| But it only got harder. | ||
| So I don't know what that's... | ||
| It means you're a savage. | ||
| You're enjoying the real primal-ness. | ||
| I tried to laugh it off. | ||
| I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And then you came like a fucking rhino. | ||
| As soon as she says it, I go for the fingers. | ||
| I'm searching. | ||
| And she goes, it's shy. | ||
| It doesn't come out all the time. | ||
| I go, my brain is thinking as soon as she walks out that door I'm gonna google hermaphrodite. | ||
| Is that even how it works that a penis is inside the vagina? | ||
| My dick is inside her vagina. | ||
| She has a dick in there. | ||
| Our dicks are rubbing right now. | ||
| Her little dick is going into my dick. | ||
| Well, it's not. | ||
| Most likely it's an enlarged clitoris, right? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Her clit was fine. | ||
| I looked at the clit. | ||
| She said it was inside and it doesn't come out all the time. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Is this a real thing? | ||
| Did you look this up in medical journals? | ||
| I looked it up. | ||
| I couldn't find a picture of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did you look up? | |
| I've been with a girl that's like that. | ||
| Hermaphrodite. | ||
| So this is a hermaphrodite? | ||
| Hey, Joe, I think that the girl that's like that, what it is, it's like right on the top of the penis, some girls have this little thing that comes out, and it looks like a little baby kid's finger. | ||
| No, man, that's a clitoris. | ||
| It's just an enlarged clitoris. | ||
| No, Joe, I've seen women who have enlarged clitoris. | ||
| Where it comes out. | ||
| Yeah, and it looks like a little penis, but this is not that. | ||
| She had a normal clitoris, and I'm searching. | ||
| And here's the thing. | ||
| It's a weird thing to say to someone during sex. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| That's how you're gonna bring it up. | ||
| You're gonna bring it up. | ||
| Bring it up now. | ||
| So listen. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Bitch, don't pretend you ain't enjoying this sweet boy pussy. | ||
| But let's be honest. | ||
| This is a lot of things. | ||
| And it's a weird thing to say... | ||
| This is many things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You enjoying the shit out of it, bitch. | ||
| She's constantly fucking herself. | ||
| And she's like, oh, your dick got harder. | ||
| Yeah, I guess, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to look for images, human hermaphrodite. | ||
| Okie dokie. | ||
| Did you find it? | ||
| Did you taste it? | ||
| Whoa, it's very odd. | ||
| I don't want to see what you're looking at right now. | ||
| It's not what I thought it is. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| And because I overanalyze everything, I start thinking, am I gay now? | ||
| And there's a little liberating feeling. | ||
| I'm like, yes, finally, I'm gay. | ||
| There's nothing about this girl. | ||
| Let me see her face. | ||
| Brian, there's nothing about this chick that's male. | ||
| She's a beautiful girl. | ||
| She's cute. | ||
| That might be a little hot then. | ||
| I'm like, I found the perfect man. | ||
| Woman. | ||
| Well, I hang out with my guy friends all day, and I go on bro dates, and I'm like, man, I wish you had a pussy. | ||
| Wow, that is just so weird to say. | ||
| I don't know if I would keep eating. | ||
| You're on a lunch date, and you're like, I might need my energy to fight this dude off. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck's going down next. | ||
| Joe, you don't have guy friends? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I could rape you if I wanted. | ||
| No, Greg Fitzsimmons has a very funny joke about if he was trapped on a deserted island and he'd get to pick his wife or one of his friends, he would go, I would take a guy. | ||
| He has this great joke. | ||
| It's fucking funny. | ||
| And he's like, because we would just laugh, we'd go in the woods and jerk off, and then we'd just be hanging out with each other. | ||
| He goes, if it was my wife, it would be like, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. | ||
| I'm not doing that bit justice, by the way, Greg. | ||
| Sorry, I'm paraphrasing. | ||
| Pick a guy, and you have to be bigger than him, in case that day comes when you want to rape your friend, also. | ||
| Why would you rape your friend? | ||
| If you were really friends, you'd jerk each other off. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Trapped on an island together, I'd jerk you off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it getting a butthole to butthole, just touching buttholes? | |
| It's not as gay, but it's all gay. | ||
| You're naked, you're trying to cum. | ||
| It's gay. | ||
| If you were at that point where you're rubbing buttholes and you're telling a chick, like, look, baby, we were on that island for ten years. | ||
| The worst I did is rub buttholes with her. | ||
| She'd be like, why don't you just suck each other off? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| You're trapped on an island. | ||
| He pooped into my butt, I pooped into his butt. | ||
| It's not just how long would you hold out in prison. | ||
| Would you want to hold out? | ||
| It's an amazing skill to have to just send your mind somewhere else. | ||
| The whole thing if you're getting raped and you just want to go somewhere else. | ||
| We're not even talking about rape. | ||
| We're just talking about gay sex. | ||
| You blowing your buddy because you're both just collecting coconuts for the rest of your life on this deserted island. | ||
| Occasionally one of you gets a boner. | ||
| You're like, come on, man. | ||
| Can you just pretend you're a girl, bro? | ||
| I fucking love you. | ||
| I saved you from that snake. | ||
| First of all, are you right-handed or left-handed? | ||
| I'm right-handed, but I use my left hand for a lot of things. | ||
| Well, I'm left-handed, and I jerk off with my left hand, so we could do side-by-side. | ||
| And also... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Luggies. | |
| Interesting. | ||
| But the thing is... | ||
| Did you do that from holding an iPad with your right? | ||
| You get, like, really good with the iPad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you just, like... | ||
| Oh, I'm amazing. | ||
| I'm like Tom Cruise in the fucking Minority Report. | ||
| But I just close my eyes, and I just try to pretend like it was my dick. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It would be like doing The Stranger when you sit on your hand and you make it go numb. | ||
| I would just pretend I was a girl for five minutes. | ||
| Jesus Christ, how hard would it be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would you just fuck a coconut? | |
| Just put some hot oil in your hand and jerk your friend off. | ||
| I'm a pretty girl. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's not gay. | ||
| You're helping each other out. | ||
| You're both trapped. | ||
| Is it gay to get a massage? | ||
| I used to think it was gay to get a massage by men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Until I realized that... | ||
| It is gay until they stick their fingers in your butthole. | ||
| I'm a manly man and I need hard massages. | ||
| I can't just get a regular massage because I'm thick. | ||
| Thick like a bowling ball, son. | ||
| I know a couple of Thai girls that would take care of me if they ever go to a guy. | ||
| No, trust me, dude. | ||
| They can't do it. | ||
| I go through these tortured deep tissue massage sessions that you need a really strong dude to do. | ||
| I'm in pain right now because I got a Thai chick to just destroy me last night. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I was crying. | ||
| I was like, what is that? | ||
| What stuff? | ||
| She probably wouldn't make me cry, though. | ||
| Because you're a real man. | ||
| You're a manly man. | ||
| I'm a savage. | ||
| When it comes to Thai massages, no, when they step on your back especially, that is pretty intense shit. | ||
| I went to one once and this lady was standing on either side of my back and she had her hands clamped on my wrist and had my arms like stretched back and she was just walking up and down my back and I was like, wow! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like, this lady's probably done this a thousand million times. | ||
| She just had it down. | ||
| It was almost like a jujitsu move. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you get really good at a triangle, and then you lock it in tight. | ||
| It's just strong in that position. | ||
| That's how she was with this crazy arm thing. | ||
| When's the first time you got a massage by a guy? | ||
| Like, years ago? | ||
| A long time ago. | ||
| First time was this Mexican dude who worked for, I think it was a Mexican boxing team. | ||
| But you had the conversation in your head, right? | ||
| You're like, it's not gay, I don't give a shit. | ||
| No, no, he wasn't gay, he was a married dude. | ||
| No, no, I'm saying for you, you're like... | ||
| We fucked a couple of times, but it was just because I owed him money. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You had had massages by women, and you had made up your mind, it's not strong enough. | ||
| Actually, no. | ||
| I need a man to do it. | ||
| Actually, no. | ||
| I'd never had a massage by a woman. | ||
| I'd never had a massage, period. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And this guy was shocked that I was a competitive athlete, and that I never had a massage. | ||
| And I had done all this martial arts competition and everything, and I never had a massage. | ||
| When I was... | ||
| When I was young, my approach to nutrition and vitamin supplementation and all that, it was really kind of crappy. | ||
| And so I never got massages when I was competing. | ||
| I never did any of that shit. | ||
| So this one dude who was a friend of a friend who had a problem with his shoulder is like, I'm telling you, man, this dude changed the way my body moved. | ||
| It doesn't feel good. | ||
| It fucking hurts. | ||
| But when it's over, everything just sort of snaps and flows and moves good. | ||
| He loosens you up. | ||
| And he had this... | ||
| Happy ending? | ||
| No happy ending. | ||
| But he had this way of... | ||
| It was like a... | ||
| I think it's called a pressure release or point release or something like that style of massage where you would just fucking trigger release. | ||
| They would just pinch down on these muscles and pull it across. | ||
| It fucking hurts, man. | ||
| It's similar in a way to rolfing. | ||
| Have you ever had that done? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rolfing is another really brutal form of massage. | ||
| I've had it all, man. | ||
| That stuff's great, though. | ||
| That stuff, if you work out a lot, is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I went... | ||
| I had that conversation with myself, too, like, years ago when I lived in New York. | ||
| There's a Russian bathhouse, like, on the Lower East Side. | ||
| It's like a schvitz and all that shit. | ||
| And I was like, shit, I feel like shit, I should get a massage. | ||
| And they're like, there's only... | ||
| Do you care? | ||
| There's only guys. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| At that point, I'd only gotten a massage from women. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck do I care? | ||
| You know, it's not sexual. | ||
| And it's like, guys... | ||
| Cut to... | ||
| Well, it's like I had a problem of getting boners every time I got a massage, no matter what, just because I loved someone touching me like that. | ||
| You remember the Seinfeld where George is like, I think it moved? | ||
| So I'm like, I don't even want to mistakenly get a boner, but I was like, whatever. | ||
| It was like an old Eastern European guy. | ||
| Bunch of Fedor looking dudes. | ||
| Not your type. | ||
| I'm like, whatever. | ||
| What did he look like? | ||
| He was like an old man. | ||
| If you had to compare him to a movie star. | ||
| Ben Gazzari. | ||
| He looked like Ben Gazzari. | ||
| Ben Gazzari. | ||
| Who the hell is that? | ||
| What, are you watching indie films? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's an actor. | ||
| I think he was Vincent Gallo's dad in Buffalo 66. Oh my god. | ||
| That was obscure. | ||
| That was supposed to be a good movie. | ||
| It is really good. | ||
| It's about gambling. | ||
| Ben Gazzari? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he in your spank bag? | ||
| Wait, why do you want this visual right now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm trying to... | ||
| Oh, Ben Gazzara. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, that guy's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's been in a lot of shit. | ||
| So I'm like, I'm not going to get a boner during a Ben Gazzara massage. | ||
| Oh, yes you would. | ||
| I would if it was Ben Gazzara. | ||
| Just out of respect. | ||
| And also, I hadn't gotten a lot of massages where I take all my clothes off. | ||
| I always leave my boxers on or something. | ||
| So I get in the room and he's like... | ||
| Oh, he's dead. | ||
| He goes, take your clothes off. | ||
| And I'm like, all right, whatever. | ||
| And then he puts the oil on and he starts massaging my butt. | ||
| The butt is the exclamation point on his massage. | ||
| It's shoulders, back to butt. | ||
| Calves, back to butt. | ||
| And I go, hey, you know, butt's not that sore. | ||
| It's cool, thanks. | ||
| And then he just started kneading my butt and started talking about how he misses home and this. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| I was like, dude, you gotta stop touching my ass, man. | ||
| I'm over it. | ||
| Please stop doing that. | ||
| And then he kept doing it, and I was like, alright. | ||
| He kept doing it after you told him to stop? | ||
| Well, he was in a zone, just talking to himself, pretending like it wasn't happening. | ||
| He was ready to suck your dick. | ||
| I was like, alright. | ||
| And that was the last time. | ||
| How many dicks do you think you probably sucked that week? | ||
| Him or me? | ||
| That guy. | ||
| Oh, uh... | ||
| It's probably his move, man. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Listen, I miss home. | ||
| The only way to get away from this miss is penis and mouth. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I just had the worst massage thing. | ||
| I think I'm done now. | ||
| I was in Santa Monica, and it was like... | ||
| I was trying to get... | ||
| Think carefully if you want to say this on the air. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's fine. | ||
| But I was actually thinking, I'll just get a legit massage. | ||
| This place was open really late though, but it looked really nice outside. | ||
| So I was like, are you open? | ||
| And I think they might have just sent the last girl home because I saw this pretty decent looking girl walk out the side door. | ||
| What time is it? | ||
| 9.30. | ||
| There's really, for the most part, no legit massages happening after 9.30. | ||
| Most massage places close down around 9.00. | ||
| Yeah, but this was right down the street from Boa, so I'm like, alright, it can't be too crazy. | ||
| So I go in, and this really old, fat Asian lady was there, and I was like, are you open? | ||
| And she's like, oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| So I go in the room, and I now just always take all my clothes off. | ||
| I don't even keep boxers on all the time now, just in case if the girl's really hot, that's cool. | ||
| But I just wanted a real massage. | ||
| And then she walks in wearing a dress, no underwear. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| And cut really short and just fat and old, like a grandma old. | ||
| And she was dressed up, totally changed clothes. | ||
| I heard somebody go to the bathroom, so that means she went into the bathroom and washed herself, you know, and stuff like that, because she smelled like this perfume. | ||
| And then she gets on top of me. | ||
| Removes the towel, gets on top of me, and just kept on bouncing. | ||
| Her vagina was on my butthole. | ||
| Oh, she's on you? | ||
| Yeah, on me, just bouncing. | ||
| And then she's just not really massaging or anything. | ||
| Shaved? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I was freaked out. | ||
| And so I was just like, play dead, play dead, play dead. | ||
| Don't even make a noise. | ||
| I'm thinking, like, I hope she, like, really gets off me if she just start massaging me. | ||
| So suddenly she starts rubbing her hands on my back and she had calluses or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Because it just scratched. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| And it hurt, though. | ||
| Like, it felt like she was, like, stabbing me, like, hurry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's see. | |
| So I'm just like, ah, ah. | ||
| And then, like, she flips me over eventually and stuff like that. | ||
| Is there any point where you're like, I'm going to just leave right now? | ||
| No, because I didn't want to be rude. | ||
| And I thought she was kind of trying, and then she started playing with my butt and stuff. | ||
| A lot of places give you prostate massages, and I'm trying to tighten it up. | ||
| That's one of the funniest statements anybody could ever say. | ||
| A lot of places give you prostate massages. | ||
| No, it's pretty popular. | ||
| Compared to what? | ||
| I'm really good now at like what you said like when uncomfortable like shit like that I would be bad at leaving because yeah but like now I walk out of movies I walk out of massages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh really you just get up? | |
| I'm just like I'm not into this anymore and I just get up and I leave. | ||
| I should have done that yeah it ended really bad and then when she flipped me over she just kept on like touching my dick and I'm like no like this and stuff like that and then she finally gave up. | ||
| And then left, and then came in and watched me. | ||
| Gave up like you didn't get hard for her? | ||
| No, I couldn't. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| No, seriously, I didn't. | ||
| I was so grossed out. | ||
| I was, like, freaked out. | ||
| I had my eyes closed. | ||
| How many times have you been back? | ||
| I'll never get back that. | ||
| How many times have you jerked off thinking about it? | ||
| Never. | ||
| She's not in my spank bank. | ||
| It was too gross. | ||
| My spank bank... | ||
| There's a massage place by my house. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| That... | ||
| Listen, let's not name names. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't want to get anybody in trouble. | ||
| I live in Koreatown. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| And I've been going to this place for over 10 years, you know? | ||
| Do they have young girls? | ||
| No, it's not a sex place. | ||
| It's a complete, legitimate massage place. | ||
| And like Joe, when I go to a place when it's like some white chick or something, it's not a good massage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You go to the Thai place or you go to the Korean place where they look like your mother, they fucking rip your shit up, dude. | ||
| They go fucking crazy. | ||
| Like, you know, they give you... | ||
| They get in there. | ||
| They stand on your back. | ||
| They pound your shit. | ||
| And yeah, afterwards you feel all svelte and nice and flowy, whatever. | ||
| Gio's boxing gym in Burbank, there's a massage parlor that's connected to it. | ||
| Dude, dude, dude, dude. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Best good, legit massage. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Legit massage. | ||
| So this is a place I've been going to for 10 years. | ||
| Not that much, but, you know, every time I know that I just want a regular massage, I know that some chick that looks like my mom or my aunt is going to give me a great massage, and then I'm done, you know? | ||
| But I haven't been back for a few years. | ||
| I moved to New York, whatever. | ||
| And my way of dealing that whole thing with me puking before going on shows is I started getting massages, like hard ones. | ||
| I'm like, it has to be a hard, deep tissue. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going to go back to that place. | ||
| And so I already told this story, but I'll tell it quick. | ||
| It's the same story as yours. | ||
| It's 9.30 or 10, all the, you know... | ||
| They're not ugly, but they're just older, and it's just the mama-san. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I'll just come back. | ||
| And she's like, no, no, no, just come in. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| Never once even thought that I was going to get a handjob. | ||
| I get in there, she comes in, and then I'm like, oh, the fucking lady, the receptionist is giving it. | ||
| I'm like, all right, cool. | ||
| Amazing massage. | ||
| Cracks my neck. | ||
| Cracking sounds back, just fucking doing it. | ||
| And then, you know, she flips me over and starts jerking me off. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Oh, that's what I thought. | ||
| When I came in, it was always like a $40 massage place, like a cheap Korean massage. | ||
| And then it was $75 now or something like that. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| A $30 increase? | ||
| And like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| That's a bargain and a half though. | ||
| If you're like, what could they be doing different? | ||
| Maybe it's an incense tax. | ||
| Maybe it's scented candles that they have to pay. | ||
| She flips me over and she goes like, like she just does a couple of ball flicks. | ||
| Like, do you want this? | ||
| And I was like, I was like, no, but I was like, Yeah. | ||
| You were like, no, but you were like, yeah. | ||
| What are you like, 12? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And I was like, Brian, there's no way I'm going to get hard. | ||
| But because she's a professional, whatever she did, lots of hot oil, I'm like, whoa. | ||
| And then, I'm pretty sure this is a massage parlor faux pas. | ||
| The bell from someone else coming in, hello, is someone in here? | ||
| She goes, okay, wait. | ||
| So mid-jerk, she stops. | ||
| And I hear, you know, it's like a small place, so I hear their whole conversation. | ||
| He's like, hey, is Rachel or Jenny working tonight? | ||
| She's like, no, everyone go home. | ||
| Wait 10 minutes, maybe 5 minutes. | ||
| And the guys, you could tell he's like, no, I think I'll come. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, no, no, stay. | |
| I give you a discount. | ||
| I give you a $10 discount. | ||
| And he's like, ah. | ||
| And I'm sitting there, and my bone is just going... | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Because you're seeing her actively be rejected. | ||
| It's bad on both fronts. | ||
| And just like, I got a break. | ||
| I'm like, I could cut out right now. | ||
| And I'm like, I should leave. | ||
| And then the negotiation is like, he's one foot out the door. | ||
| He's like, I don't know. | ||
| He's like, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Come in. | ||
| I'll be done in five... | ||
| No, three minutes I'll be finished. | ||
| Three minutes. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| I'm going to get up. | ||
| Okay, I'm going to count to ten in my head right now. | ||
| Ten, nine. | ||
| When I get to one, I'm going to walk out the door. | ||
| So I start sitting up, and then she... | ||
| The guy's like, I'm going to go. | ||
| And he left, and she runs back in, and she goes, lay down. | ||
| And I go, okay. | ||
| So I lay down, and now I'm deflated. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| I said, it's okay. | ||
| I'm just going to go. | ||
| And she goes, no, no, no. | ||
| And she starts up again, and now she's just playing with my wet noodle. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| It's like... | ||
| There's too much thought in. | ||
| And I go... | ||
| Stop right there. | ||
| Is there a sadder moment in life? | ||
| No, it's... | ||
| Someone's tugging on your dick and you don't want them to? | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, it's done. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| This lady's face... | ||
| And it's a dark room. | ||
| She doesn't give a... | ||
| She's a trained, trained assassin. | ||
| She wasn't even worried for a second. | ||
| She goes, okay, okay. | ||
| She reaches behind her and tears a piece of saran wrap. | ||
| And I go, what's going to happen now? | ||
| I don't know what this is right now. | ||
| And she fucking, like, puts some shit on my ass, some lube, and she, like, puts the saran... | ||
| She holds my legs up like this and taps my legs like, like, hold your legs. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| So I'm holding my legs like this, and I go, I don't know what's gonna happen right now, but I'm going for it. | ||
| She puts the saran wrap over my butthole, and I go, she's gonna lick my ass right now, like, through the saran wrap. | ||
| To this day, besides the part where when I was a kid and I put a vacuum cleaner on my butthole, I've never felt this before. | ||
| She didn't stick her tongue into my butthole. | ||
| She sucked my butthole. | ||
| She put her lips around my butthole and sucked, and I was like, never felt that before. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Dick gets hard immediately. | ||
| A few seconds. | ||
| You shot a load without even jerking off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, she jerked me off, but it was like... | ||
| How much time between her putting the saran wrap over your butthole and you shooting a load? | ||
| How much time? | ||
| 15 seconds to put the saran wrap, 5 seconds to shoot. | ||
| You just got hard immediately? | ||
| I've heard of girls putting their finger up a guy's butt and licking it. | ||
| She sucked the butthole. | ||
| She sucked my butthole. | ||
| So I'm filled with so much shame. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| She's like, and you know, she just throws a towel on me. | ||
| She's like, okay, cool. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I'm like, you know, does this lady, when she goes to the supermarket and she buys the saran wrap, does the lady know what she's going to use it for when she brings it home and the kids are like, Grandma, why do you buy so much saran wrap every week? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I go in the car and I go, I can never talk about this day. | ||
| What? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you lie to yourself like that? | ||
| Well, unlike Brian, I've been back several times now. | ||
| And where is this again? | ||
| They hit hard times, you know? | ||
| It went from a totally legit place to... | ||
| Suck an asshole with saran wrap place. | ||
| You need to open your shit up a little more and quit judging so much, you know? | ||
| Oh, he's not judging. | ||
| Yeah, I had a horrible experience. | ||
| He's just doing it for comedy's sake. | ||
| Her hands hurt. | ||
| She gave me zero massage. | ||
| If she gave me some kind of massage, I would probably... | ||
| You have to be honest, man. | ||
| Just because you had a good experience doesn't mean you can't accidentally wind up with a demon. | ||
| We all know you can wind up with a demon. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I had an old lady in Pasadena. | ||
| She was soft hands. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| Don't say names or places. | ||
| Brian, she grinded on her butthole with her gilf-shaved pussy. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Her what? | ||
| Gilf. | ||
| Grandma. | ||
| Oh, Grandma. | ||
| That's so dark. | ||
| So, Joe. | ||
| So, Dave. | ||
| First of all, that fucking story is one of the greatest stories I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| I was going to tell you, it changed my way of thinking about you being single. | ||
| I'm sweating right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm nervous. | |
| Here's the thing. | ||
| It's like, that experience was so important and so funny, and there's so few people that would express it with the same kind of honesty and glee that you do it with, that it's almost like a disservice to mankind if you decide to settle down. | ||
| We have a real hard time with that. | ||
| And anybody who wants to stop your podcast is a cultural criminal. | ||
| Well, this is what I see after traveling a lot. | ||
| This is what I see in Chinese and Italian culture. | ||
| And it's like, in this society, there's a lot of crying, oh my god, my husband cheated on me! | ||
| It's like, yeah, that's just sort of what guys do. | ||
| There's sort of almost like an acceptance in China and Italy, where you got your guma and you got your wife, as long as you're... | ||
| Handjobs and girlfriend shit doesn't fuck with your family. | ||
| It's almost like an understanding of the wife knows you're gonna go get massage parlor handjobs or have a girlfriend, and it's like, just don't put it in my face. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, you have a business meeting, you guys are all gonna fuck hookers, get it, but don't bring it back to me, you know? | ||
| But that's in a lot of European cultures as well, right? | ||
| Like, the Prime Minister of France didn't he openly have... | ||
| They're like, they're cool. | ||
| They're just like... | ||
| I think Monica Bellucci said it about... | ||
| I want to ask you about this, because this is an important subject, I think. | ||
| What do you think is the cause for... | ||
| I mean, is it the sexual puritanism of America, where people would judge you on you being a nice person, you having fun, and just having these experiences which are readily out there for a lot of people, that somehow or another it's perhaps... | ||
| Perhaps, what am I, a lecturer? | ||
| Exploitative or that people would have a problem with the idea of using prostitution. | ||
| But at the end of the day, you're not really hurting anybody. | ||
| Is that one of the most important issues to concentrate on? | ||
| What is the reason why people do concentrate on it and get mad at you and judge you? | ||
| And I think it has to be based on insecurity. | ||
| It has to be based on the idea that if more men found out what you're doing, they would want to do it too. | ||
| Well, A, you had those Sex at Dawn guys in here, so there's a lot of weird religious shit. | ||
| Christopher Ryan? | ||
| The guys that wrote the Sex at Dawn? | ||
| Yeah, it's a guy. | ||
| Great guy, by the way. | ||
| Okay, so I went to the extreme version of that. | ||
| I just came back from Afghanistan, right? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| You know, you're not supposed to judge other cultures, right? | ||
| And I get there, and I'm staying with a guy who runs, like, all the networks in Afghanistan, Saad Mohseni, and he's letting us crash at his place, and everyone's like, oh man, it's so backwards out there, like, the girls, they wear the burkas, and you only see their eyes. | ||
| In Afghanistan, you don't even see the eyes. | ||
| It's complete. | ||
| You don't see... | ||
| Like mosquito netting. | ||
| You don't see flesh. | ||
| Like ghosts. | ||
| They're wearing gloves? | ||
| The shit goes to the feet. | ||
| You don't see flesh at all. | ||
| The dudes, what are they wearing? | ||
| Flip-flops? | ||
| Sweatpants? | ||
| They're chilling. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| Don't fucking touch my girl. | ||
| Don't fucking look at her. | ||
| And you go back to this whole thing with insecurity? | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's like, oh, if she cheats on you, if she talks to another guy, yeah, we stone her. | ||
| We beat the shit out of her. | ||
| It's like, the reason why the Taliban has no problem getting female suicide bombers is because your life is miserable if you're a woman in fucking Afghanistan. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Your husband beats you, and if you go to the police station to complain, then the fucking police beat you for complaining. | ||
| And it's just like... | ||
| We had two girls that are Westerners so they didn't have to wear the full burqa but they still had to cover their hair and wear jeans and long sleeve shirts or whatever. | ||
| And they took us to... | ||
| They took me to a calligraphy school to check out that Arabic calligraphy style. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| And they go, hey, if we go to the roof right now, we could see the whole city. | ||
| It's a beautiful view. | ||
| I go, cool, let's check it out. | ||
| So they went up first, and I was drawing with some kid. | ||
| And then Critter was with me, and he's like, dang, get up here right now! | ||
| Get up here! | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| We run up to the thing. | ||
| The two girls, they were all standing on the ledge of the roof, looking out at the whole city. | ||
| The junkyard tire shop below The guys working at the tire shop look up and see two white girls and they could see their face. | ||
| They start jerking off. | ||
| They pull their dicks out and start jerking off. | ||
| What are they saying? | ||
| Like in a trance. | ||
| And you're like, whoa, crazy, crazy. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Think about how much pussy you already saw today, without even trying. | ||
| Turning on the TV, a Victoria's Secret ad, a billboard. | ||
| You see flesh. | ||
| You go to the supermarket, you go to fucking Whole Foods, where the bitches are like wearing short shorts and... | ||
| Sex is everywhere. | ||
| Think about being a horny, horny Arab kid, and then you see a fucking chick, just her face. | ||
| They couldn't control themselves. | ||
| And then they saw us and then they stopped. | ||
| But it was like they went into a trance, like... | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I was like, I never got so much joy watching another guy jerk off. | ||
| Those weird levels of like intense religious control. | ||
| It all goes back to sex. | ||
| It all goes back to fucking. | ||
| Well, whether it does or it doesn't, it's all about control, but when you see that control implemented on people, there's always a rebound from it. | ||
| There's some crazy reaction to it, some fanatical, explosive reaction to it. | ||
| Yeah, we have a very real, natural, built-in response to someone trying to control us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And we either go with it full-heartedly and make it like it's our idea, or we rebel against it and we hate it and we go the exact opposite direction, like Catholic schoolgirls who become sluts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Nothing wrong with being a slut. | ||
| Slut's a bad word. | ||
| No slut shaming on the Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| I don't believe in sluts. | ||
| I think there's people that do whatever the fuck they want to do. | ||
| I'm just saying, I agree with you. | ||
| This society is... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Every society has its problems. | ||
| For me personally, I think if I were to ever get married... | ||
| I don't want to get into some sick swinger shit or whatever, but I think I need to be with... | ||
| Some European or... | ||
| Just hold out until they have robots. | ||
| Hold out until you can be monogamous. | ||
| The robots? | ||
| What's that shit you just showed me? | ||
| The Silius Rift shit? | ||
| Oculus Rift. | ||
| Don't buy that. | ||
| Don't buy that. | ||
| I'm not going to until... | ||
| It's going to ruin your life. | ||
| Until I know that I have to go to the mountains and fucking put up a high fence to keep the fucking crazy people out. | ||
| I have some of those robots, like the shittier ones, and they're in my... | ||
| In my closet, I buy... | ||
| Every time someone's like, this is the next best thing, I buy it with that thought. | ||
| When I go to the mountains and everyone's dead, at least they'll have this. | ||
| But I don't open the plastic because I know it'll ruin my life. | ||
| That's too freaky right now. | ||
| When you're dealing with things like rubber vaginas or fake boxes that you stick your dick into and they gyrate, you know it's fake. | ||
| Even though it's enjoyable, it's a pleasurable sexual experience, it's removed from the sexual experience of having sex with a real woman. | ||
| That's not going to be the case 50 years from now. | ||
| 50 years from now, they're going to have robotics down to the point where they can have a real, bona fide, artificial woman who's warm and feels fucking amazing and is the hottest chick you've ever seen on the planet Earth. | ||
| And you can have 10 of them in a warehouse charging by solar. | ||
| But that will help overpopulation. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| Well, it'll help a lot of things. | ||
| But overpopulation is most certainly a bad thing. | ||
| But one of the worst parts about it is that there's a depletion of resources and this sort of diminishing of the value of a human being when there's too many people. | ||
| I think about L.A. and I think about a lot of places and it's one of the worries that I have about China is the volume. | ||
| And I think... | ||
| My personal experience is I've lived in small towns and I've lived in really big places. | ||
| I've seen there's a different way that human beings treat each other when they don't see each other as often, there's less of them, they have more camaraderie. | ||
| There's a number that becomes unmanageable. | ||
| I don't know what that number is. | ||
| I think we've passed it. | ||
| In Los Angeles, we certainly are past it. | ||
| But I think that's... | ||
| Hurry up, doctors, with that rubber fake robot pussy. | ||
| Make that shit quick. | ||
| I don't think it's doctors. | ||
| Or scientists or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, scientists and inventors and modelers and people who are making artificial skin. | ||
| But in the same way, you know, people, like adults, get weird when they find out how obsessed kids are with video games. | ||
| They're like, we had Pac-Man. | ||
| I'm like, okay, look. | ||
| What's Grand Theft Auto on right now? | ||
| Five? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, when it was on two or three... | ||
| You're like, wow, because you're like a guy running through a city and it feels like virtual reality. | ||
| But, like you said, the guy still looks a little pixelated and the facial features, you know, they do like the stubble, but it looks still like a computer. | ||
| I don't know what this says about me, but when I would kill hookers in Grand Theft Auto, the bodies don't disappear as long as you keep shooting them. | ||
| So I would just stand over the hookers and keep shooting their vaginas. | ||
| You shouldn't admit to that. | ||
| Well, my little nephew walked in, because there was a time when I got out of prison and I didn't have a place to live, so I stayed with my cousin. | ||
| I would play like Mickey Mouse and the little kid video games. | ||
| And then when they went to sleep, I'd play Grand Theft Auto. | ||
| And he snuck in my room one day. | ||
| And you know when someone's in the room? | ||
| You know someone's in the room, but you didn't hear them? | ||
| So I stopped for a second. | ||
| I turned around. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| He's like, what are you doing, Uncle Dave? | ||
| And I was like, come in, be quiet, don't tell your mom. | ||
| How old is this kid? | ||
| He's like six years old. | ||
| He's ready. | ||
| He was ready. | ||
| He was ready to see Hooker. | ||
| But they're like, wait till next one and the next one. | ||
| I'm like, video games? | ||
| In the next ten years, you'll be you. | ||
| It'll look exactly like you. | ||
| There'll be no glitches where it looks like a computer. | ||
| And so if you're in the game raping, killing, pillaging... | ||
| That's going to fuck with your head even more. | ||
| When I played Grand Theft 2nd, 3rd one, after a day of just killing non-stop, I'd walk outside and just feel weird. | ||
| But at least I knew it was still a video game. | ||
| Brian, there were some images that somebody posted in the Duncan Trussell thread on the Rogan board about another new technology that was akin to the NVIDIA technology that looks absolutely insane. | ||
| I believe it's from Activision. | ||
| See if you can find that, if you can pull those images up. | ||
| Because what they're doing... | ||
| The virtual is going to be really intense. | ||
| I can't wait for that robot pussy. | ||
| Yeah, the robot, the physical... | ||
| Red ribbon robot pussy. | ||
| The physical carbon-based, artificially created robot... | ||
| Like, what's her face? | ||
| What was that girl's name in Blade Runner? | ||
| Oh, Daryl Hannah? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That looks crazy. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Dude, I met Daryl Hannah in 1994 at Cantor's Deli in LA. And she was so incredibly normal. | ||
| Like, just a normal chick, hanging out with her friends. | ||
| Her friends were totally normal. | ||
| And it was, for me, it was a very educational experience. | ||
| Because I never thought that some woman, who's, first of all, an attractive woman, second of all, a super famous... | ||
| Splash? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Super famous actor, right? | ||
| And she could be with a couple of her friends. | ||
| I think it was two guys and another girl. | ||
| And I could be with a couple of our friends. | ||
| And they were sitting next to us and invited us to talk to them. | ||
| Just engaged us. | ||
| They were doing some game where you name the state and what's the capital or what's the state motto. | ||
| That's what it was, what's the state motto. | ||
| And they were engaging us. | ||
| Come on, help out. | ||
| They were friendly, super friendly. | ||
| Like any normal person who you could sit next to if you were in a booth by... | ||
| Yeah, that was cool. | ||
| It was really cool. | ||
| It was really cool because it was like, oh, these movie star people, they're just fucking people, man. | ||
| They're just fucking people that someone turns a camera on to. | ||
| But, like, that's not going to happen when we all fuck robots. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| And the robots are going to know all the answers anyways. | ||
| Her character in Blade Runner... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're going to be like... | |
| Sacramento. | ||
| Her character in Blade Runner was fucking badass, dude. | ||
| She was the number one robot for that crazy little dude. | ||
| I love that movie. | ||
| Oh, that movie was good. | ||
| That movie was so fucking amazing. | ||
| And that movie was badass because of that Sean Young check... | ||
| She was hot, too. | ||
| Goddamn she was hot, dude. | ||
| Not just hot, but like hypnotic. | ||
| There was like something about her. | ||
| Yeah, she had that look with her hair and everything. | ||
| Her eyes, man. | ||
| There was like a perceived innocence or something like that to her as this robot character that was just brilliant, man. | ||
| Damn, my memory's going to shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, Blade Runner's all-time great movie. | |
| When I was younger, I got a weird job with Sean Young, and I can't remember it now. | ||
| You got a job with her? | ||
| Like some weird movie... | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| And you know what happened to her, man? | ||
| She kind of went off the rails. | ||
| Yeah, what happened to her? | ||
| She went off the rails. | ||
| It was too much pressure. | ||
| I think being a famous movie star has got to be so... | ||
| Being a famous guy like you or a famous artist, you're famous kind of for being crazy. | ||
| You can... | ||
| And you know, the amount of like mainstream TMZ type pressure you get is very non-existent or minimal at best. | ||
| You just enjoy it. | ||
| You enjoy it. | ||
| You just like... | ||
| But that Tom Cruise shit? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like where she was at? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| She was at that... | ||
| Sean Young was in like all the... | ||
| That's her name, right? | ||
| Sean Young? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She was in like that movie with Kevin Costner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What was that movie? | ||
| She's in a gang of fucking movies, man. | ||
| She was a big time movie star. | ||
| And there's more pressure for women because it's like you have a window to just do all this shit. | ||
| You have a window to do all this shit in and there's a freak out of being this one person that all these people are focusing on that is so completely unnatural. | ||
| You're supercharging your system. | ||
| It's like putting a blower on a Mustang and revving the engine much higher than it's supposed to go. | ||
| I stay the fuck away from actresses, bro. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| I would never generalize like that because I've met a lot of really cool actresses that I love being friends with. | ||
| But as far as dating them... | ||
| Friends, yeah. | ||
| Friends is fine. | ||
| I don't want to date anybody who's anything like me. | ||
| I don't want to date anybody who's even remotely as crazy as I am. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| So when I date a chick that she's like, you've got to quit the podcast, I'm like, that's sort of, like, fuck you, bitch, but then also, like, that's sort of a good instinct. | ||
| But, you know, there's people that it works out, like Tom Segura and his wife, Christina Pazitsky. | ||
| Do you know Tom Segura? | ||
| Hilarious stand-up comedian. | ||
| And his wife is fucking brilliant. | ||
| Like, a really funny comic. | ||
| And they're married, and they're happy, and it works. | ||
| I've got to finish telling you about the Mexican comedian, because you just brought up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I guess. | |
| Okay. | ||
| I love what you're drawing right now, by the way. | ||
| My best drawing... | ||
| So I told you I'm the greatest comedian ever in Mexico. | ||
| That's not possible. | ||
| I'll tell you, and you fucking tell me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, I'm fucking my Mexican girlfriend, and it's not like she's joking with me. | ||
| She's almost nervous to tell me this. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| We're fucking, and she's drunk, and she's like, I have a little piece. | ||
| Like, she was super nervous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Nervous tone. | ||
| That was never resolved. | ||
| Yeah, so I'm going to resolve it right now. | ||
| Or, okay. | ||
| It was never resolved. | ||
| You're correct. | ||
| It was never resolved. | ||
| And I'm analyzing this. | ||
| I'm like, was she joking? | ||
| No, because she was super nervous to even tell me. | ||
| We fuck, and I'm like, ha ha ha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that for... | |
| Is that for real? | ||
| She falls asleep. | ||
| I fall asleep. | ||
| She's out. | ||
| She's drunk. | ||
| We fuck. | ||
| She's out. | ||
| And I'm like this. | ||
| Am I gay? | ||
| Did I just fuck a hermaphrodite? | ||
| I don't sleep at all. | ||
| The next morning, she has to get up early to go to work. | ||
| I go, hey, remember that thing you said last night? | ||
| She's like, what? | ||
| She's like, you know, you said something last night. | ||
| And she's like, I got to go. | ||
| She runs out. | ||
| And I'm like, whoa, no closure, no whatever. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And I had three or four days left in Mexico, you know? | ||
| And I was like, I need to find out if I'm gay now. | ||
| This should be on Vice. | ||
| Why is this not... | ||
| Why haven't you, like, written this for Vice? | ||
| Because I'm telling you right now, you know? | ||
| So she... | ||
| So then, uh... | ||
| Every day, so we fucked like every night until I left and every night she always says, turn the lights off. | ||
| Never leaves the lights on. | ||
| Always leaves the socks on. | ||
| Does she have dude feet? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And won't let me finger her because of the paint. | ||
| Well, I got the paint on my hands. | ||
| Oh, paint. | ||
| So I'm scrubbing and I go, look, they're clean tonight. | ||
| She's like, no, no, no, don't finger, just fuck me. | ||
| And I'm like, is it a thing that comes out like this? | ||
| Like alien? | ||
| There's so many questions. | ||
| I go, I go, hey, that thing, the extra piece, was that a joke? | ||
| She's like, and her face turns red. | ||
| Like, don't bring it up. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm with a fucking hermaphrodite. | ||
| Wow, this is crazy. | ||
| And you didn't go down on her, right? | ||
| You didn't ever go? | ||
| No, I went down. | ||
| Dude, I went searching, bro. | ||
| I wanted answers. | ||
| You know, I try to go deep. | ||
| I try to get the answers. | ||
| Damn, son. | ||
| Never got the answer. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No closure. | ||
| Look, dude, you got to do what you got to do. | ||
| In certain situations, you just got to back out and count your losses. | ||
| This is two months ago. | ||
| But you really liked her. | ||
| I really like her. | ||
| Still talk to her. | ||
| Can't stop thinking about her. | ||
| So she just doesn't want to talk about that. | ||
| And I accept it now. | ||
| I love it now. | ||
| I love that she's a guy. | ||
| But it doesn't sound like she is a guy. | ||
| She's a hermaphrodite. | ||
| Did her pussy taste like pussy? | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| Well, what does it feel like? | ||
| It feels different? | ||
| Like guacamole. | ||
| No, when you're actually having sex. | ||
| No, it feels... | ||
| When you make it love. | ||
| It felt great. | ||
| You know, she has a wonderful vagina. | ||
| She's a great girl. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Didn't you say something like on your podcast that she's disconnected with sex, though? | ||
| She was a weird chick, you know? | ||
| Okay, but what are you saying, though? | ||
| This is what I'm saying. | ||
| So this is two months ago. | ||
| No closure. | ||
| And in the two months, I've accepted that she's a guy. | ||
| Or has male parts. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Wowza. | ||
| And she avoids the thing. | ||
| And she texts me last night. | ||
| She goes, hey, you know that little piece I told you about? | ||
| And I go, yes, yes! | ||
| Finally closure. | ||
| She goes, I was joking. | ||
| I go, this is why she's the best comedian. | ||
| To fucking drop a line like that on a dude and tell the punchline two months later while he's racking his brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, you're a fucking genius comedian. | |
| That is amazing. | ||
| You tell a joke that has a fucking punchline two months later. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That is one possibility. | ||
| Another possibility is she decided to tell you that it was a joke because you were pressing the issue and you wanted to talk about it a lot and that was the best way for her. | ||
| You understand that though. | ||
| It very well could have been a hermaphrodite. | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with a hermaphrodite but it's not like you did some sort of a chromosomal test. | ||
| She told you something and you declared her the greatest comedian ever. | ||
| Or maybe it was a hemorrhoid. | ||
| It could have been a hemorrhoid. | ||
| Did they get them up there? | ||
| Listen. | ||
| You can get a cyst. | ||
| Listen, guys. | ||
| Those ones that pop out. | ||
| When her little dick went into my dick hole, it was the most amazing feeling I ever felt in my life. | ||
| We just hit a low point. | ||
| She easily could be a hermaphrodite. | ||
| I just didn't want to talk about it. | ||
| Yeah, I... That's a good way to say, I was just joking. | ||
| How do you deal with people, this is a good question for you, that say they don't listen to you, but they do? | ||
| See, they don't listen to you? | ||
| Yeah, they go, I don't listen to your podcast. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| But they know, but they do, and they, like... | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You know? | ||
| No, if you want to listen, listen. | ||
| If you don't want to listen, don't listen. | ||
| Because I'm thinking... | ||
| If you want to tell me you don't listen, you're either doing it one... | ||
| You're either trying to inform me, like, I don't know what you do, like, just being normal, or you're being dismissive. | ||
| You know, it's possible that you could say it, like, in a way that, like, David Cho, I don't listen to your podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| Okay? | ||
| You know, where you're like, whoa. | ||
| Like, I wouldn't waste my time listening to you fucking talk. | ||
| No, but here's the thing. | ||
| I talked about this on my show, and I'm thinking, did she hear it? | ||
| And so that's why she called me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she doesn't, like, follow me on Twitter or Facebook or any of this shit, and she really, you know... | ||
| Well, it sounds like it was a very strange thing for you and almost indicative of, like, life itself. | ||
| Whether it was... | ||
| Life itself is never perfect. | ||
| Whether it was a joke or not, whether she really forgot to tell me the punchline or, like, whatever the case, I accepted it. | ||
| Well, accepting it, there's definitely nothing wrong with that, but that's not the funniest comedian on the Facebook page. | ||
| Come on, Joe. | ||
| It's pretty fucked up, though. | ||
| You're having sex... | ||
| What if... | ||
| It's most likely an excuse. | ||
| But it's not most likely a joke. | ||
| What if your wife, just out of tonight, just all... | ||
| Fucking totally serious that I used to be a guy. | ||
| And you're like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And then she didn't tell you the truth a month later. | ||
| That's pretty funny. | ||
| Well, I guess it could be funny. | ||
| You know, if you were the right guy and she was the right girl and she said it the right way, I guess it could be funny. | ||
| Started crying and go, I never, ever told anybody. | ||
| David Cho, goddammit. | ||
| It also could be that she's lying to you because she doesn't like to talk about it and she really is something like a hermaphrodite. | ||
| It's possible too, dude. | ||
| I mean, unless you're going to go in... | ||
| Minovia, if you're listening out there, baby... | ||
| Don't say her name! | ||
| No, I just said sweetheart in Spanish. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Minovia, if you're listening, I hope you're not lying. | ||
| Listen, it doesn't matter, man. | ||
| I hope it wasn't a joke. | ||
| Listen, you're not looking to have a family, are you? | ||
| I can't wait to... | ||
| Are you looking to have a family right now? | ||
| I'm starting to think about having kids without the wife part. | ||
| Like adopting or freezing my sperm and doing the whole surrogates or whatever. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Just freeze the baby. | ||
| I think I'm starting to think about having a family, but, you know... | ||
| Like I said, gay or not gay, I hang out with a lot of dudes. | ||
| And so, like Critter, who I hang out with all the time, is like, fuck. | ||
| You get a girlfriend, I'm going to have to have a girlfriend. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| What? | ||
| Because then... | ||
| What kind of fucking logic is that? | ||
| Because we hang out all the time. | ||
| So I said, why don't we just share? | ||
| You could get Monday, Wednesday, I'll get Tuesday, Thursday. | ||
| Oh, you're such a slapper of seconds, dude. | ||
| No. | ||
| You automatically offered up the first three days. | ||
| I'm like, you could get the P-hole, I'll take the B-hole. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| Come on, Joe. | ||
| There's so many women right now that are so angry. | ||
| This podcast is bullshit. | ||
| I don't think I would have a problem, by the way, if the girl had a pussy boner. | ||
| I don't think if she acted like a girl, she was beautiful. | ||
| You're such a pussy, Brian. | ||
| You couldn't even get hard for the grandma. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I'm not a pussy, though. | ||
| She went to the bathroom and cleaned up for you. | ||
| Well, listen, man. | ||
| The bottom line is you were enjoying the experience until your perception of who she was in the whole male-female paradigm shifted. | ||
| She became this oddity to you, like a damaged goods. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Was that it? | ||
| Well, this is the thing. | ||
| I need a second. | ||
| I didn't like avocados growing up. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| I love them now. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| It took me a second. | ||
| My mom's like, eat this. | ||
| I go, oh, it's green. | ||
| It probably tastes like a watermelon. | ||
| It tastes like shit. | ||
| I love guacamole now. | ||
| I had uni, sea urchin, for the first time. | ||
| I was like, this is disgusting. | ||
| It's my favorite food now. | ||
| It took me a second. | ||
| I get to China. | ||
| The girls have thin mustaches. | ||
| I go, what the fuck is that? | ||
| Because they don't care about waxing and bleaching. | ||
| I go, that's gross because it's not normal to me. | ||
| I'm in China for three months, sort of into it. | ||
| Like it now. | ||
| I'm starting to have sex with Arab women. | ||
| They have hairy asses. | ||
| Grossed out. | ||
| Wanna puke. | ||
| Sort of into it now. | ||
| Just give me a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me a second. | |
| You got a little dick inside your pussy? | ||
| Gross. | ||
| Give me one month to adjust? | ||
| I'm from America. | ||
| I was born in Los Angeles. | ||
| I live in Western society. | ||
| I'm not used to dicks. | ||
| I'm not used to hairy asses. | ||
| I'm not used to mustaches. | ||
| But just, I'm open-minded? | ||
| Give me a second to just open wider and accept your mustache, your hairy ass, your dick in your pussy. | ||
| Just give me a second. | ||
| I'll eat the avocado. | ||
| I'll eat the sea urchin. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You weren't like, avocado tastes like shit. | ||
| I'm never going to eat it again. | ||
| It grew on you. | ||
| It took a second. | ||
| I hated it. | ||
| I spit it out. | ||
| Well, I just realized it was just a texture issue. | ||
| The actual taste of it was fairly bland. | ||
| In fact, it has a lot of health benefits. | ||
| But you're a kid and you want candy. | ||
| You want watermelon. | ||
| You want fruit that tastes good. | ||
| Well, the problem is you find out about candy. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| You find out something that gives you this drug rush. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, kids that get high on sugar, like have you ever seen kids eat cake? | ||
| They turn into fucking demons. | ||
| They go running around, I mean, they're on crank. | ||
| That guy out there eats more candy than anybody. | ||
| He's not a kid, but he is sort of. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's clearly a drug. | ||
| So of course they don't want to eat guacamole. | ||
| Guacamole doesn't give them that drug. | ||
| They want that drug that comes from those... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a sophisticated palate. | |
| You know those fucking things that they do? | ||
| Those powders? | ||
| Those fucking things that kids eat where it's literally a tube of sugar? | ||
| Pixie sticks. | ||
| Pixie sticks. | ||
| You crack open the end and you just... | ||
| The fun dip. | ||
| It's drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nerds. | |
| Nerds rope. | ||
| It's a crazy sugar drug. | ||
| I still get fun dipped. | ||
| It's so bad for you too. | ||
| They say that sugar is just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| For kids. | ||
| Almost toxic. | ||
| Sugar is just almost toxic for you. | ||
| I know, but like I'm saying, all these things... | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Have you ever been with a chick, like a Middle Eastern girl with a hairy butt? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And what did you do? | ||
| Well, it was back in the 80s when people had hairy butts. | ||
| It was a normal thing. | ||
| What's worse is when they have catfish whiskers, and in certain lights you can see it, and you're like, ugh. | ||
| It's like, but see, what we're doing now is that episode of Seinfeld when he finds the one thing wrong, like the chick has the big hands or whatever, and it's like, you know, I had sex with this girl. | ||
| I go to the bathroom. | ||
| We had sex in the dark, and I turn the lights on to take a piss, and I look at the bed, and she has a hairy ass. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to puke in the toilet while I'm pissing right now. | ||
| And I go, just slow down. | ||
| Just... | ||
| Except that it's someone from another culture. | ||
| I sleep with a lot of women where I'm their first Asian, and they do the, oh, you have no hair on your body. | ||
| I go, yeah, I'm Asian. | ||
| We're not hairy people. | ||
| It's like being with a girl. | ||
| I'm like, cool. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| It's interesting how porn has completely triumphed in the area of pubic dressing. | ||
| But it's back. | ||
| It's coming back hard. | ||
| It is a little bit, but it's just contrarianism. | ||
| For the most part, people prefer a groomed area. | ||
| It's because HD, you know? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It was before that. | ||
| There was some trimming done before that. | ||
| They want to hire the bumps? | ||
| Well, it was because pornography became really prevalent. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Pornography became really prevalent and then along the way people started looking at the aesthetic of male balls covered in hair that creeps all the way up to your asshole and girls with giant crazy bushes that go to the inside of their thighs and they just decided to make alterations on porn and then people, whether they admit it or not, are massively affected by pornography. | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| And then the shift happened where, I mean, there's a good percentage of the population of this country at least that trims their hair basically based on the aesthetic that porn established. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| No. | ||
| Because it's an untalked about thing. | ||
| It's an undiscussed thing. | ||
| It's a denied thing. | ||
| It's like it's a darkness that we just like... | ||
| Meanwhile, they're getting billions of hits every day. | ||
| You trim your shit or you just let it grow up? | ||
| Oh, I trim my shit. | ||
| Well, I have to trim it too because it also gets caught in the hair and my balls gets caught in my cup. | ||
| Like, and if you're doing jujitsu... | ||
| You know your shit's getting long when your bald hair gets stuck in your asshole hair. | ||
| Oh, that's never happened. | ||
| So it makes like a dreadlock? | ||
| A taint dreadlock? | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| You need better hygiene than that. | ||
| You need better standards. | ||
| You need to not let it get to that point. | ||
| Well, Joe, because I've been naked around lots of different men in different countries because of prison or whatever, it's like, yes, when I was homeless here in America and I was showering at 24-Hour Fitness, then I'm like... | ||
| In a giant shower with a bunch of men and like, yeah, for the most part, you look down for a second and you're like, well, people shave their shit. | ||
| It's like, okay, cool. | ||
| Then I'm in prison in Japan and I, you know, it's a bath culture. | ||
| It's not a shower culture. | ||
| And I look down and I'm like... | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| These guys don't shave their shit at all. | ||
| Well, first of all, porn in Japan is pixelated, so you never really see anything anyways. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Do they pixelate genitalia or pubes? | ||
| The whole area. | ||
| Just insertion. | ||
| But they don't shave their shit down there, so their pubes are the same pubes that grew from when they were a kid, so they have beards. | ||
| Their pubes are longer than their dicks. | ||
| My goodness. | ||
| So I get out of the bathtub. | ||
| I keep my shit tight. | ||
| And I get out with my dick and balls hanging out. | ||
| And then these guys come out. | ||
| And you just see a black beard with a red dot with the tip of their dick. | ||
| And you're like, oh, it looks like a cute homeless guy. | ||
| But yeah, those things are all informed by pornography. | ||
| In Japan, they don't watch American pornography, so of course they don't shave their shit. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| But Bush is coming back. | ||
| Well, it's fascinating, though, that it sort of gets a stab. | ||
| I would imagine that Bush is coming back. | ||
| I'm out there. | ||
| I'm out on the front line. | ||
| I'm telling you it's coming back. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| But look, even Bell Bottoms came back. | ||
| No, but it's back, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah, definitely. | ||
| I'd say five years ago, every girl I was with had no hair or a tiny, thin strip of whatever. | ||
| Now, almost all girls have some kind of... | ||
| They probably heard that crabs were going extinct and they got sad. | ||
| They wanted to save the crab. | ||
| Grow your bush, save the crab. | ||
| It's cyclical, you know? | ||
| Well, how come everybody doesn't want the crabs to live? | ||
| They want to save, like, wood owls. | ||
| I love seafood. | ||
| I love crustacean. | ||
| No, the ones that grow in your bush. | ||
| Yeah, I eat those crabs like Daryl Hannah eats the lobster in Splash. | ||
| A little tartar sauce, a little cocktail sauce. | ||
| Mm-mm-mm, going to Red Lobster right after this. | ||
| What's it like hanging out with DeAntward? | ||
| Because I know you guys are friends, man, and I love them. | ||
| They must be very interesting. | ||
| Do you ever paint with them? | ||
| Yeah, I've... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| First of all, I love those guys. | ||
| And do you know who DeAntward is? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| But I don't love one of their new songs. | ||
| They got some new songs. | ||
| You know, they're just going for it, doing everything. | ||
| There was that fuck you in the ass song. | ||
| Put a dick in your ass song. | ||
| I was like, okay, what are you doing, man? | ||
| What the hell is this? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I like some of his really earlier shit, too. | ||
| They did some really interesting early stuff. | ||
| But do you hang out with a lot of artists in general? | ||
| Comedians. | ||
| Okay, so comedians are artists. | ||
| I have a few friends that are artists, artists. | ||
| Artists, artists, chefs, musicians. | ||
| Most people that are highly, highly creative are sort of... | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| Crazy as fuck. | ||
| And then you try to do normal shit with them and then you're like, why are they doing this? | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| Because they're fucking crazy! | ||
| Well that's what makes them tick. | ||
| Every comedian that I know is out of their fucking mind. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Every single one. | ||
| And I love Ninja and I love Yolandi. | ||
| Ninja's one of probably the most creative people. | ||
| He'll do a song and like he goes and then the part goes like this and he'll sing every part of the song and he goes and then the music video is going to go like this and then he'll act out everyone's part in the music video and what the lighting is going to look like and down to the costumes and there's going to be a lion and this and... | ||
| Do you ask for this or does this just like happen in the middle of a conversation? | ||
| He goes, he goes, can I tell you like a quick story? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's it? | |
| Do it in his accent. | ||
| You were about to. | ||
| You bailed out of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I tell you a quick story about a South Africa? | |
| The best is he can do a perfect American accent and not like a gangster. | ||
| Have you ever heard Jim Jeffries? | ||
| Hey Dave, how's it going? | ||
| Jim Jeffries, the Australian comedian, has the most eerie American accent. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like he does an American guy and you're like, yikes. | ||
| It's too good. | ||
| It's like too good. | ||
| They can do us apparently way easier than we can do them. | ||
| Because we're speaking normal. | ||
| I'm not sure if that's the case. | ||
| G'day, mate. | ||
| What is normal? | ||
| Can you decide somewhere along the line that your way of talking is better than mine? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And the way that you do that is the language of English is spoken in Australia, England, America, and people make fun of... | ||
| They do the crocodile Dundee. | ||
| Yeah, but England... | ||
| And then you take someone... | ||
| You take a Japanese exchange student who doesn't speak English and you go... | ||
| Learn English. | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
| They're going to listen to American movies. | ||
| They can understand Americans. | ||
| They can't understand British people. | ||
| They can't understand Australians. | ||
| They're like, I don't... | ||
| What? | ||
| We speak normal. | ||
| Like normal people. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Everybody in England who grows up in England knows how to understand people from England. | ||
| Everybody in America... | ||
| Everyone in England can understand us. | ||
| We can't understand them. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| A thick, thick British accent? | ||
| Give me a fucking break. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| That is interesting. | ||
| It goes, hey, what did you just say? | ||
| He's like, oh, fucking... | ||
| But if you were living there, you would understand him pretty clearly. | ||
| If you were in his neighborhood. | ||
| We're speaking proper English, Joe. | ||
| This is like slang. | ||
| I'm not like this. | ||
| I'm not trying really hard. | ||
| So what we did is basically the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu of English. | ||
| We took the original Japanese English and we made it more badass with some extra guard submissions and shit. | ||
| How come when they have some British movies, sometimes they gotta put fucking subtitles on that shit? | ||
| Because you don't know what the fuck you guys say. | ||
| Not me, man. | ||
| I get offended. | ||
| If they have movies like Snatch and they put subtitles, I get offended. | ||
| I want to be trying to figure it out. | ||
| But you have to concentrate. | ||
| Well, I do when I interview fighters. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| I've had Paul Kelly, he's a gentleman I've had an interview in the UFC. Michael Bisping, he's a guy from Manchester. | ||
| These guys have incredible accents. | ||
| Bisping has gotten much better at speaking in a more clear, he slows it down a little bit. | ||
| But English people and Irish people, they talk faster. | ||
| They have a faster way of combining the words together. | ||
| I had a fucking guy come up to me. | ||
| I had a conversation with a dude in Belfast, Northern Ireland. | ||
| We're getting drunk at a bar. | ||
| There was a UFC there. | ||
| And just me and Eddie Bravo went down to this bar and we said, let's just tie one on with these Belfast people. | ||
| And I think Dave Bishop was probably there too, who's the local comedian that we did a gig with. | ||
| This fucking dude was talking to me. | ||
| I didn't have a clue as to what he was saying. | ||
| We were hammered. | ||
| And he was telling me how to fight. | ||
| The basic script was, I'll fight any man. | ||
| He was just telling me no, letting me know. | ||
| He'll fucking fight anybody. | ||
| I'll fight any man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll fight any man. | |
| I barely could understand him. | ||
| It was like this crazy game I was playing, like staring into his eyes and struggling to comprehend his world. | ||
| And this is like the shit everyone always wonders about, right? | ||
| You got the dude that's the Jax from Sons of Anarchy. | ||
| You got all these actors that have that accent, right? | ||
| I'll fight any man. | ||
| But then they're in movies and TV shows or when they do songs. | ||
| Accent just magically disappears. | ||
| And then they're back doing the interview and it comes back. | ||
| So they could turn it off. | ||
| They could turn that shit off. | ||
| Not when they're drunk in a bar and not some dude who actually lives in Belfast. | ||
| Some local boxer is ready to throw down and fight any man. | ||
| Would he fight me? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| They want to fight. | ||
| When we were in Belfast, you're driving around and they have these cop cars that have bulletproof windows and these giant metal plates and bombproof shielding all over the car. | ||
| The cop cars are designed to absorb bombs. | ||
| Pull up some pictures of them. | ||
| Belfast, Northern Ireland, cop cars. | ||
| Bomb protection. | ||
| They like to fucking party. | ||
| It's a different kind of a world. | ||
| I mean, they went through some crazy fucking shit. | ||
| They went through a crazy war, like, fairly recently. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Between, you know, essentially people that are right next door to them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Joe, I gotta ask you a question. | ||
| Okay, David. | ||
| I like being scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Like, I like thinking about how I'm gonna fight myself if guys are trying to rape me. | ||
| I like doing a podcast, something that I've never done. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Challenging myself. | ||
| I like trying stand-up, something I've never done before. | ||
| So I like being scared and challenging myself. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Never been in a professional fight. | ||
| I used to fight all the time when I was a kid. | ||
| I'm 37 now. | ||
| I haven't been in a real fight in over eight years now. | ||
| If I wanted to have one shitty pro undercard fight, how much training would I have to do? | ||
| You'd have to do a lot. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Like for a year? | ||
| Years. | ||
| Years. | ||
| If you want to be safe. | ||
| I don't want to be safe. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| You're not in shape right now? | ||
| Totally not in shape. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Do you do any kind of sport? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| Jerk off. | ||
| Nothing that allows you to move quickly? | ||
| Aggressively. | ||
| You're in a lot of trouble. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| I'm 37. You're going to get hurt. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| I'm definitely going to get hurt. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Listen, this is a romanticism that people have about getting hurt. | ||
| I have no problem. | ||
| Let me help you. | ||
| Joe, I have no problem getting hurt. | ||
| It's going to change your thought process. | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| Do you understand this? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's going to change who you are as a human being. | ||
| You don't understand head trauma. | ||
| I've been hit in my head my entire life. | ||
| I bet you've been really lucky. | ||
| I have severe head trauma. | ||
| You've been really lucky. | ||
| I've been in comas and shit, man. | ||
| I bet you have. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| But it all works still. | ||
| There could be, at any point in time, there could be the tipping point. | ||
| And head trauma is just no joke. | ||
| And any unnecessary head trauma that you want to introduce into your life... | ||
| I always think it's a terrible idea. | ||
| And what I know is, if there's a guy who's 37 years old and has never had any martial arts training... | ||
| Do you do pro fights? | ||
| Well, I don't even spar. | ||
| I don't even kickbox spar. | ||
| You're over it. | ||
| I do jiu-jitsu spar, but I won't kickbox spar. | ||
| Because it's not worth it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Listen to me, man. | ||
| You only can get hit a certain amount of times in your head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And if you think it's, like, cute to go out there and have an MMA fight... | ||
| No, I don't think it's... | ||
| Just because you want to experience it, it's fucking dangerous. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I know I'm most likely not going to win and I know I'm most likely going to get the shit kicked out of me. | ||
| But you don't want that, man. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I understand that you want it as an experience. | ||
| I got my best friend asking me that he could easily rape me. | ||
| I would like to be able to defend him. | ||
| You're not going to beat that guy. | ||
| You're not. | ||
| I met that guy. | ||
| That guy's too big. | ||
| He's too big. | ||
| A guy like that, you're going to have to become some sort of a black belt in jujitsu. | ||
| You're going to have to be able to wrestle him to the ground. | ||
| Okay, so I appreciate the concern for the head trauma because I've had been... | ||
| Extremely damaged in my head before. | ||
| I've had been knocked out, all that shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's not fucking awesome. | ||
| I've been knocked out where I wake up and I don't know who I am, like that kind of shit. | ||
| So I'm not under any like misconception of it's like gonna be like a cakewalk or anything, but I'm just saying... | ||
| It's too many variables. | ||
| Will you train me? | ||
| No way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I don't want to be a part of it. | ||
| It's too many variables. | ||
| You want to fight me, Brian? | ||
| Here's a bunch of the variables, okay? | ||
| You're in shape. | ||
| First of all, you've got to have to pick a guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you're going to have to pick a guy that's commensurate. | ||
| I love saying that word. | ||
| It makes me feel such. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It means like similar, like the same level. | ||
| I want to fight a guy bigger than me. | ||
| Okay, what are you doing, man? | ||
| What are you trying to get hurt for? | ||
| Are you trying to be a hero? | ||
| No, I just want to... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Look, I know a dude who lost his sense of smell. | ||
| He took a beating and lost his sense of smell. | ||
| And it was just a one-two head kick combination. | ||
| Okay, I'm fat and I'm the most out of shape and fattest I've ever been. | ||
| But I have the X Factor. | ||
| I'm ferocious. | ||
| I won't stop. | ||
| Good luck with that shit. | ||
| I won't stop. | ||
| That's not gonna help you. | ||
| At all. | ||
| Not even a little bit. | ||
| People think that being tough is gonna help you. | ||
| I'm tough. | ||
| I'm ferocious. | ||
| That's just gonna get you hurt more. | ||
| That's just gonna mean you're gonna take more punishment. | ||
| So then I'll tap out then if I'm getting fucking this shit kicked out of me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well then what happens? | ||
| You got damage to your brain. | ||
| Have you just tried bondage? | ||
| Look, if you fight a guy... | ||
| Here's my recommendation in this area. | ||
| If you really think about doing it, if you want to do it and you want the same kind of thrill, you can get a very similar thrill from doing a jiu-jitsu match. | ||
| Or just getting your butthole licked by old ladies? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because when you tap out, it's your responsibility with the butthole things going on. | ||
| So you're telling me to stick to just getting massages by men. | ||
| Well, I just think that it's not to be fucked with. | ||
| Head trauma is not to be fucked with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| People die, man. | ||
| There was a kid in Ireland that died really recently in a rugby match. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And he had had... | ||
| He got knocked out, I guess, and then he got knocked out again and died. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| I know for sure I have a glass jaw. | ||
| Like, if you hit me in my jaw, I knock out. | ||
| But my entire life... | ||
| I'm Korean. | ||
| I have a thick head. | ||
| We have big heads. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's how you can tell Asians apart. | ||
| Like, Koreans usually have bigger heads. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Big moon pie faces. | ||
| No, if you see a Chinese, Japanese, and a Korean, our heads are a little bit bigger. | ||
| I've been kicked, punched. | ||
| I've had a lot of head trauma, and it all, for the most part, still works. | ||
| My memory's going to shit a little bit, but aside from that, I can fucking, for the most part, function. | ||
| Listen, if you're willing to take this chance and possibly alter the way your mind works... | ||
| If you're going to be intelligent about it, because you're an intelligent guy, what you would want to do is dedicate yourself to martial arts first. | ||
| Before you ever actually do it, and it's going to take a long time, you're going to have to learn how, first of all, to defend yourself, and B, you're going to have to learn to be proficient in something. | ||
| My background is Judo. | ||
| I grew up doing Judo. | ||
| How good are you? | ||
| I won a lot of awards. | ||
| What was your belt? | ||
| What belt did you get to? | ||
| Green or something? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I didn't get a black belt, but I won every single judo match I was in. | ||
| Well, listen, you're not an amateur. | ||
| No, but I shouldn't say you're not a novice. | ||
| Joe, I'm talking 15 years old was the last time. | ||
| Yeah, but there's an understanding there. | ||
| I wrestled in high school. | ||
| There was no punching in judo, but I never lost. | ||
| I wrestled in high school, and I didn't do any grappling again until I went to jiu-jitsu, which is like almost 10 years later. | ||
| And I remembered it instantly. | ||
| It just came back. | ||
| It came right back to me. | ||
| Because your body develops as a young man, understanding how to pin someone, understanding how to grapple and get gable grips and how to use your hips to sprawl. | ||
| It just comes back to you. | ||
| And I think that having that background, especially at that age, 15, that's big. | ||
| Learning something and getting really good at it where you're competitive at it when you're 15, that's like such a developmental period. | ||
| It becomes sort of a part of who you are as a person. | ||
| But the thing with me is my bones break easy. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing, man? | ||
| I just quit after whatever. | ||
| Like, I broke my collarbone in judo, I quit. | ||
| I played baseball, I broke my other collarbone, I quit. | ||
| I played football, I broke my ankle, I quit. | ||
| It's like, anytime I break a bone, I'm like, okay, that was that, you know? | ||
| Well, it's not hard to break your ankle or your collarbone doing any of those things. | ||
| Whether it's judo or football or baseball, that sounds in line. | ||
| I mean, it might not even be that your bones break easy. | ||
| It might be that you're just a little bit too ferocious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll hug the shit out of you. | ||
| No, but you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You're like going for it. | ||
| That's how people injure themselves often. | ||
| My parents were like, or my dad was like, you have to learn some kind of martial art. | ||
| You're Asian. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| And I was like, we were not into sports. | ||
| Bruce Lee set the bar. | ||
| We had long hair. | ||
| We listened to heavy metal. | ||
| We didn't care about anything. | ||
| You know, it's like when a guy has three sons and he's like, yes, they're going to watch sports with me, whatever. | ||
| We didn't fucking give a shit about it. | ||
| We were nihilists. | ||
| We don't care about shit. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| We would go to school. | ||
| My dad would take a sack full of balls and just pour it out in front of us on the weekends and go, what do you guys want to play? | ||
| Softball? | ||
| Baseball? | ||
| Kickball, handball, football, basketball. | ||
| He'd have every ball and be like, what do you guys want to do? | ||
| And we're like, nothing. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We were just very... | ||
| We don't care about anything. | ||
| When you look back on what turned you into who you are today, this sort of wild dude, do you have any one thing that stands out as being the I don't give a fuck anymore moment? | ||
| There's not one... | ||
| Like, incident, but it's a combination of racism, humiliation, and, like, just never getting laid, you know? | ||
| So, just lack of good experiences and a lot of bad experiences. | ||
| Just an unbelievable amount of anger. | ||
| You know, like, going to a school where everyone makes fun of you for being Asian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Going to some place where every girl rejects you, and then within your own family, having this insane sex drive where just everyone just catches me jerking off all the time. | ||
| Like, just the... | ||
| I'm sleeping. | ||
| Well, don't you think, though, that when you're really young and your life is really fucked up? | ||
| I mean, the humiliation, like, oh my god, my mom just saw the tip of my dick hard. | ||
| But don't you think that when you're, like, really young and really stressed out and really fucked up that that's almost like a natural way to blow off the steam? | ||
| Like, dudes who are troubled almost always jerk off a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What do I do in surveys? | ||
| There's no census attached to anything that I've said here. | ||
| I'm just talking shit. | ||
| No, I know, but you're right. | ||
| I would go home and I'd just be full of aggression. | ||
| And I just wasn't good at sports. | ||
| So I'm like, I don't even want to try this shit. | ||
| But then when they told me in football you could hit people, cool. | ||
| So you're angry. | ||
| You wanted to hit people. | ||
| Very angry. | ||
| And the thing with judo is that's another thing that my parents made me do. | ||
| I didn't want to do it. | ||
| But it's like I also didn't like people throwing me around. | ||
| So when we got into it, I was just like, I don't care if this guy's a higher belt than me, whatever. | ||
| I'm not going to let him pin me down. | ||
| As soon as he starts winning, I'm going to go... | ||
| Like, I just went there. | ||
| I'm gonna go fucking crazy and... | ||
| Well, what you should do... | ||
| I became the pride of my dojo. | ||
| They sent me to all the tournaments and I was like... | ||
| I was like the reluctant, like, I don't want to be here, but okay, fine, I'm here, I'm gonna win. | ||
| You were the pride of your dojo? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I won every, like, trophy thing for... | ||
| And then I broke my collarbone. | ||
| I was like, okay, that's the end of my... | ||
| Is your collarbone okay now? | ||
| My shoulders are a little smaller because I broke this one and this one. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So, you know, the collarbones break and then they heal like this, right? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just heal next to each other? | ||
| Collarbones snap, and then there's no brace you can put on, so you just hold your thing up, and then the bones just heal like this. | ||
| Over each other? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so how much stronger or weaker is it than it used to be? | ||
| I think they get stronger, but my shoulders are a little bit narrower. | ||
| Wow, that's weird, man. | ||
| It could be worse, though. | ||
| There's a lot worse shit that you can break, right? | ||
| I'm not scared of pain. | ||
| Like, I've been burned. | ||
| You sound like a guy who's doing his, like, interview thing for, like, King of the Cage. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Like, pain is not, like, oh, like, I'm not gonna do something because I could get hurt, you know? | ||
| Like, that doesn't bother me, you know? | ||
| And I'm not scared to be humiliated either. | ||
| Not that what I worry about. | ||
| What I worry about for people that don't have an extensive background in martial arts is head trauma. | ||
| You're not going to know how to get away. | ||
| You're not going to know how to not get hit as hard. | ||
| You're not going to know how to protect yourself. | ||
| Well, judo, all we do is, for the first few months, learn how to fall down. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Like jumping over someone and then tucking into a roll and all that shit. | ||
| I know how to fall down. | ||
| I'm worried about you getting hit, that's all. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I mean, it's just part of MMA. I appreciate your concern, and this is something I'm probably not going to do, but just wanted to throw it out to see. | ||
| What's your thoughts on it? | ||
| I've seen people take some serious punishment and change them as a human being. | ||
| Change the reality of their life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Impair their function. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| No, I know that. | ||
| I've seen it happen not just from MMA, but I have a friend who got hit in the head with a golf ball and he wasn't the same for almost a year. | ||
| He said for like six months he was fucked. | ||
| Fucked. | ||
| Just every day. | ||
| Massive headaches and depression and that can happen. | ||
| Who hit the golf ball? | ||
| Some dude just, he got hit with a line drive right in the side of the fucking head. | ||
| Like while he's playing golf or just sitting at his house? | ||
| He was on a golf course. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| And just an errant ball hit him in the temple. | ||
| And he got fucked up, man. | ||
| He went down hard, just like totally knocked unconscious. | ||
| Fucked up for a long time. | ||
| So my point is, that can happen from a kick too, man. | ||
| That can happen from a knee. | ||
| You could be diving for a takedown, and some guy comes up with some flying knee and separates your fucking vertebrae. | ||
| It's nasty shit, man. | ||
| You can get really, really hurt. | ||
| If you really want to do it, though, what I was going to say is, what you should do is make it a vice thing. | ||
| Have them follow you with cameras. | ||
| Start a real training thing. | ||
| Have them check in on you every couple months. | ||
| But do it in a way where you're not going to hurt yourself. | ||
| Go to a gym. | ||
| Where's the fun in that? | ||
| You can minimize the amount of damage that you take with intelligence by actually learning some skills. | ||
| Will you have me back on the show if I'm in a wheelchair? | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| I'll have you back on the show if you talk to me through a thing in your neck. | ||
| Joe, I should have listened to you. | ||
| You were so right when it came to not doing MMA. I'm not saying that anybody should not do MMA. I think that if you're going to take risks... | ||
| It's ridiculous to take risks that have within them the possibility of massive trauma and not do it correctly. | ||
| Like, you could get knocked out, obviously. | ||
| Look, Anderson Silva, who's the greatest mixed martial arts fighter of all time. | ||
| He's the master. | ||
| He got knocked unconscious. | ||
| Anybody can. | ||
| The stuff you're telling to me is complete common sense. | ||
| But. | ||
| There's no but. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| You're making sense. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the thing is, it's... | ||
| You're telling me this shit and it's not like, oh man, Joe's talking crazy. | ||
| It's like, you're being a good guy, giving me the wisdom of, you know, all the stuff you've seen and learned. | ||
| Okay, yeah, there is a but. | ||
| But, it's weird. | ||
| Like, I just got, did you see the Vice HBO series? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's just like, suicide bombers, you know, pirates, like all dangerous shit. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| They asked me to be, for season two, one of the hosts. | ||
| And I just got the assignment list of things, you know, of places to go, and it's every single place I could die, you know? | ||
| And it's like, there's nothing about that, and I don't know what this says about me, but there's nothing about that where I'm like, oh, I'm scared of my life, or, you know, I'll go anywhere. | ||
| I don't give a shit, you know? | ||
| Well, then you're the perfect guy for the job. | ||
| Because me, I'm at home going, boy, I wouldn't want to be fucking David Cho right now. | ||
| Well, that's why. | ||
| The things you tell me about hurting myself, that's not a deterrent for me. | ||
| But I guess dying is dying. | ||
| You're just dead. | ||
| But being in a wheelchair, you're traumatized. | ||
| I would never want someone like me doing something to me that I could do to me. | ||
| I would never want someone planting a fucking shin on my head the way I know I can do to somebody. | ||
| I would never want someone kicking me in the body, punching me in the face the way I know I can do to somebody. | ||
| I would never want someone who knows how to strangle me strangle me the way I could do to me if I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. | ||
| So what I'm saying is if you are going to engage in mixed martial arts, you've got to get proficient at a martial art in order to be able to intelligently defend yourself. | ||
| Because if you can intelligently defend yourself, someone who's good is going to really fucking hurt you. | ||
| And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. | ||
| It's not going to be a fight, man. | ||
| You think it's going to be a fight. | ||
| But unless you find someone who's a novice, it's not going to be a fight. | ||
| It's going to be a slaughter. | ||
| No, unfortunately, I'm better at defending myself than being offensive. | ||
| That's all nice and good, but if you get a guy who actually knows how to fight, you're fucked. | ||
| If you're not careful and you go in there against some Division I All-American who fucking puts you on your back in three seconds and starts smashing your face with elbows from an impossibly strong body that's been throwing other bodies around its entire life, and you just thought you're being cute because you're an artist who likes to fuck chicks and you never work out, and you're like, oh, I'm just going to go in there and take an adventure. | ||
| I'm like, fucking, I'm a modern-day... | ||
| Keep going, Joe. | ||
| I'm getting harder. | ||
| You gotta be careful, man. | ||
| Is he sweaty? | ||
| I don't want you to get sweaty as fuck, dude. | ||
| If you lick him, you'll get pregnant. | ||
| You'll grow ovaries if he drips his sweat in your mouth. | ||
| It's a dangerous thing. | ||
| You're involved with someone who, you know, you have to be careful and make sure that what you should do is take another, if you really want to do this, take another person who's like you and say, hey, let's fight in a year. | ||
| And let's do it amicably. | ||
| Let's get together and let's both experience this. | ||
| It'll probably make us like each other more as a person. | ||
| That was super steamy, what you just described. | ||
| It was almost like a gay sex scene. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| I'll do this to you. | ||
| I've seen it too many times, man. | ||
| I've seen people who think they're tough guys go in there and get really fucking hurt. | ||
| I don't think I'm a tough guy. | ||
| I don't think I'm a tough guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I understand. | |
| I don't think I'm going to go in there and like... | ||
| You kind of described yourself as being pretty ferocious and durable and really good at judo and the pride of the dojo. | ||
| So although you might not think you're a tough guy, you think you're proficient. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Well, I think I'm able to... | ||
| Like, protect myself from getting those things. | ||
| That's all nice and cute until you find somebody who actually knows how to fight. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You don't know how to protect yourself. | ||
| Just do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up, dude. | |
| Seriously. | ||
| I'm trying to help the guy. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| I've seen it too many times, and I'm acutely aware of the possibilities. | ||
| And what I can do is nothing... | ||
| I'm more scared to go... | ||
| And it's something I've already done now, so I know what it feels like. | ||
| I'm more scared to go in front of an audience and do stand-up than I think I would be to go and fight someone. | ||
| It's a ferocious fighter. | ||
| That's because you haven't done both. | ||
| If you did both, you'd be way more scared of fighting. | ||
| I've been in fights before, Joe. | ||
| I've had the living shit kicked out of me by gangs and a bunch of people. | ||
| I know what pain feels like. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| I know what it feels like to get knocked out and then wake up a day later and not know who I am. | ||
| I'm sure you do know that, but you also know that it's bad. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course I know that. | ||
| That's all I'm saying, man. | ||
| I don't like when people get romantic about it because it's a part of... | ||
| It's almost like the comedy thing, you know? | ||
| I've done it three times now, and it turned out good. | ||
| But I didn't go in there with that. | ||
| I was like, oh, I'm going to bomb, and people are going to boo me, and this and that. | ||
| And I'm prepared for that, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it didn't turn out that way. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not going in there going, I'm going to be fucking Eddie Murphy. | ||
| I've never discouraged someone who wants to actually be a mixed martial artist. | ||
| I've never discouraged anyone who wants to actually take a big risk. | ||
| I'm not even going to learn mixed martial arts. | ||
| I'm going to do Taekwondo. | ||
| I've never tried to discourage anybody who wants to do something dangerous, but I just always say, if you're going to do it, remove as many variables as possible. | ||
| There's always variables in a live fight. | ||
| You could get hit by the first punch and your lights go out, or weird injuries. | ||
| Weird things can happen, but you've got to be as prepared as possible in order to be smart about it. | ||
| That's what I would say. | ||
| And most fighters retire around what age anyways? | ||
| It's completely different. | ||
| I mean, here's an interesting thing. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins, it's interesting because it never existed before. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins is the oldest champion ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old is he? | |
| And he's the light heavyweight champion today. | ||
| He's 48. And he's amazing. | ||
| He's still outboxing the shit out of people. | ||
| And doing it, it's a thing of beauty. | ||
| I mean, he's a fucking artisan in there. | ||
| He has a craft. | ||
| It's just like playing a guitar or being a painter. | ||
| He's got a craft. | ||
| He's an artist at it. | ||
| He knows how to minimize the amount of damage he takes. | ||
| He very rarely gets hit. | ||
| And he knows how to box the fucking ears off these young whippersnappers. | ||
| But he's 48. That's awesome. | ||
| But he takes care of himself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's eating right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He's working out on a regular basis. | ||
| He never allows himself to get out of shape. | ||
| He's been fighting forever and he's got these skills developed over a long period of time. | ||
| He treats it serious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, if I did this shit, I would treat it totally serious. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I wouldn't go in there fat. | ||
| I would train, like, my ass off. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| If you, like... | ||
| I don't know, a year? | ||
| How long would you want? | ||
| A year? | ||
| If you could do a year, you could get a lot done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you would have to make sure that you were matched up ethically. | ||
| That someone who's really a nice person, like, matches you up with another guy who's, you know, at least you have a chance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I know you say you want to go against a bigger guy. | ||
| Just someone yourself. | ||
| Alright, fine. | ||
| Alright, fine. | ||
| Yoshi, Yoshi. | ||
| Why would you say that? | ||
| They're friends. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I wouldn't want to fight Yoshi. | ||
| Yoshi's got that to-the-death look in his eyes. | ||
| Yoshi might take things into the basement. | ||
| He might invoke the Dark Lord. | ||
| He might see some fucking hellfire in his eyes. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I just, I get sensitive about the one issue. | ||
| I don't like to preach, but there's one issue that I get sensitive about, and that's the frivolization, if that's a word. | ||
| I'm not frivolizing it. | ||
| I'm not frivolizing it. | ||
| Like, Joe, I'm telling you, like, I'm prepared to get hurt. | ||
| I know that shit, I know I might break something, or I might get knocked out unconscious. | ||
| Like, I know that. | ||
| I'm not, like, saying, yeah, it's gonna be fine. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I'm not frivolizing at all. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| You're just willing to take that risk. | ||
| You're in this world. | ||
| I thought you'd be a good guy to talk to about this. | ||
| Well, if you are really going to dedicate yourself to it and you want to do it as an experience, I think a year is a good amount of time. | ||
| It's just something that I... In the same way I started thinking about Maybe adopting a kid? | ||
| I just thought, also, maybe I should fight. | ||
| I would say go with a fight first. | ||
| That seems like less of a commitment. | ||
| If you get fucked up, hopefully a body shot, somebody hooks you to the liver, and you just tap out immediately. | ||
| I'm just going to stick with the hermaphrodites. | ||
| What if you get a hermaphrodite pregnant? | ||
| I mean, it's very likely she could still get pregnant. | ||
| Then the baby could suck the dick on the way out. | ||
| We should... | ||
| Dude, how dare you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Let's look that up. | ||
| Can a hermaphrodite get pregnant? | ||
| A hermaphrodite. | ||
| Well, I mean, if I was a herm... | ||
| I think most hermaphrodites, the dick is above their vagina, right? | ||
| And I think... | ||
| I think it's inside. | ||
| I think it's inside, and I think it's just like half the size, and it really doesn't... | ||
| Like, even if it gets hard, it's not like a dick. | ||
| It's just like a little... | ||
| I think it's not functional either. | ||
| Like, it doesn't, you know... | ||
| See, I wouldn't mind that. | ||
| If the girl's cool and shit, you know, it'd be cute. | ||
| You can rub her a little pussy boner and it'd be fun. | ||
| There's a porn store that has a huge clitoris. | ||
| I can't remember her name. | ||
| But, like, the dudes in the pornos always suck her clit like it's a little penis. | ||
| Okay, here's the question. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Here's the question that's answered. | ||
| Surveys suggest that functioning ovaries are fairly common in the intersexed. | ||
| Pregnancy and birth don't happen often, but they happen. | ||
| Functioning testes are rarer, but again, not completely unknown. | ||
| Functioning ovaries and functioning testes, however, plus functioning everything else. | ||
| I suppose I could propose one far-fetched scenario where it could possibly happen, but as a practical matter, it's not. | ||
| Get out, it says. | ||
| So what they're basically saying is that there's variables. | ||
| The same reason why there's a hermaphrodite in the first place is because there's this weird variation. | ||
| There's a bunch of different levels of that variation. | ||
| It only makes sense. | ||
| I mean, if you think about people are not the same. | ||
| We're all different. | ||
| We all look different. | ||
| We're all shaped different. | ||
| We're all different sizes. | ||
| It just makes sense that we would have variations as far as our genitalia go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does she have a period or does she just fart? | |
| Great question. | ||
| That's another one you should have not said. | ||
| Just run those through the internet first. | ||
| Before she told me the punchline, I really enjoyed this last month thinking I was gay. | ||
| I really did. | ||
| That's not a punchline, dude. | ||
| That's a fucking excuse. | ||
| It's not a punchline. | ||
| Do you understand? | ||
| You're trying to rationalize that that's a punchline. | ||
| This woman's got a dick up there. | ||
| It's okay, though. | ||
| It's just a joke. | ||
| She's the greatest comedian ever. | ||
| LOL, RFL, MAO. Ladies, if you're listening, it's a fantastic joke to pull on here, dude. | ||
| Just tell them that you used to be a guy or that there's an extra piece. | ||
| Yeah, what if the dude jumps right off a fucking cliff and you're like, I was joking! | ||
| That's why it's a next level joke. | ||
| It's a next level joke. | ||
| It's not next level. | ||
| Dude, you're thinking incorrectly. | ||
| And, uh, yeah. | ||
| My mom is also like, she came to Mexico for the show, and she's just letting me know, you know, my mom had three children, me, both my brothers, I'm in the middle. | ||
| We're all in our late 30s now. | ||
| No one's married. | ||
| Do you think that's like a rebound from the strict Korean way of being raised? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Me and all my brothers are weird. | ||
| We're like weird people. | ||
| Always have been. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All of our cousins, they're all happily married, have kids, they have normal lives. | ||
| I tell them my stories and they're like... | ||
| Dave's weird. | ||
| Uncle Dave's... | ||
| He's, you know... | ||
| Right, but aren't they weird too? | ||
| Aren't people that are suppressed and keep it inside? | ||
| I think everyone's weird. | ||
| Yeah, now you're talking. | ||
| Like, I think I'm normal. | ||
| And I know that that sounds... | ||
| Oh, Dave's crazy. | ||
| He does crazy shit. | ||
| And he thinks... | ||
| I'm like, I think I'm the most normal person because I just... | ||
| I live like... | ||
| How I think you're supposed to live. | ||
| And then I meet these people that just do what society wants them to do and it's crazy to me and they withhold. | ||
| They live like fucking pussies. | ||
| Well, human beings are pattern followers. | ||
| We're naturally pattern followers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And we naturally follow successful patterns of behavior because those have been... | ||
| Proven to be effective, so all of our concerns and issues and insecurities sort of get ironed out in advance by other people that are successful. | ||
| So when we follow the society pattern that's set up right now, the society pattern is, you know, get married, get divorced, lose all your money, get married, stay together, have a family, get married, grow apart, get married, be super happy. | ||
| There's a few different possibilities that can happen to you. | ||
| There's a bunch of different ones. | ||
| But you have to follow the natural paradigms. | ||
| If you don't, there's something wrong with you. | ||
| And people who are following them, they don't want to be around you. | ||
| Especially wives. | ||
| I'm sure you have friends that have wives that do not want David Cho being around. | ||
| No, they hate me. | ||
| Because David Cho's talking about getting his butthole sucked out of his body by some crazy woman. | ||
| Look, I got advice for people, but it's not for married people. | ||
| It's not for everybody. | ||
| My advice is for people who... | ||
| Don't want to be like... | ||
| You're not giving advice. | ||
| You're giving out experiences that you feel are very positive experiences. | ||
| People like to go... | ||
| And people can learn from them. | ||
| Yeah, and people go, oh, Dave's lucky. | ||
| It's like he won the lotto with the Facebook shit. | ||
| I'm like, I've been successful at everything I've ever done. | ||
| I've made tons of money doing art, gambling. | ||
| It's like, oh, so... | ||
| That was all luck. | ||
| For people who don't know what the Facebook thing is, just in a nutshell, just spell it out real quick. | ||
| That was something that I learned from gambling that I brought over. | ||
| I had just gotten out of prison, and a guy named Sean Parker, who started Napster, he was 23 or 24 at the time, maybe he was 26, but he was in his young 20s, and he'd already started a couple of multi-million dollar companies, none that really made any money. | ||
| Plaxo didn't make any money. | ||
| Napster got sued for, I think, a trillion dollars. | ||
| So this was his next project. | ||
| And this whole time, he was a fan of my art. | ||
| He's like, Dave, I gotta get a painting from you. | ||
| Like, you're a sick fuck like me. | ||
| I need to get a painting from you, but I'm being sued right now. | ||
| I can't afford it. | ||
| This and that. | ||
| And so when Facebook came up, he's like, look, there's this new social media site that connects college kids. | ||
| And I was like, that sounds gay. | ||
| And he goes, uh, and we have some financial backing, so now I can finally pay you to do a painting. | ||
| And I said, or... | ||
| If you want, if... | ||
| And he's an innovator. | ||
| He's like, I'm going to fucking... | ||
| This shit is going to take over the world. | ||
| I'm going to change the world. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| If you don't want, then I could give you stocks in the company. | ||
| And I needed money because I needed to pay my lawyers. | ||
| I needed to pay all my ex-girlfriend, my friends. | ||
| I needed to pay everyone back. | ||
| And I said... | ||
| I don't know about social media. | ||
| I was never on MySpace. | ||
| I was never on any of these things. | ||
| I said, you know what? | ||
| I believe in this kid. | ||
| So I took the stock. | ||
| The stock ended up being worth hundreds of millions of dollars. | ||
| So overnight, that made me, I guess, the highest living paid artist in the world, which is pretty cool. | ||
| But before that, I was pretty successful at everything else I did. | ||
| Why do you think that is? | ||
| Well, I just came back from this conference in Norway of all the top chefs in the world. | ||
| So I'm like, this is cool. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| I'm in a new environment. | ||
| It was sort of like... | ||
| Did you go with Bourdain? | ||
| Bourdain didn't go. | ||
| That's why I went. | ||
| David Chang, who has Momofuku in New York... | ||
| He goes, Bourdain, please come. | ||
| This year is talking about guts, about being brave. | ||
| And you come and Bourdain's like, are you kidding me? | ||
| I'm not going to fucking embarrass myself in front of the top chefs I've been out of this game. | ||
| He's like, Dave, you should go. | ||
| And so I'm like, what am I going to do? | ||
| And I just started thinking I want to start doing stand-up. | ||
| So Dave Chang was like, Dave, why don't you come? | ||
| I'm like, you'll be the first non-chef that's been asked to speak at a fucking chef conference of 600 of like, The top Michelin star chefs. | ||
| And I don't know these people. | ||
| I get off the plane and they're like, Dave, we're going to eat at NOMO tonight. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Or NOLA. Sorry, I said it wrong. | ||
| I'm fucking retarded. | ||
| We're eating at NOLA tonight. | ||
| I'm like, oh, NOBU? And I'm like, oh, there's a Nobu in Copenhagen? | ||
| Nola is the fucking number one voted restaurant in the world, like, four years in a row. | ||
| Like, it's like an eating experience you've never... | ||
| The guy that runs Nola Rene is a fucking, like, Picasso of the cooking world. | ||
| I mean, just insane, like... | ||
| Like, he'll put this in front of you. | ||
| And you're like, what is this? | ||
| And it's like, this is a rock that I just shit with food that you would never believe. | ||
| And so I'm here with these highly, highly successful people that are like, you know, fucking Dario Cecchini. | ||
| I can't even remember all their names. | ||
| Alex Atela from Brazil. | ||
| They all have the number one restaurant in their city. | ||
| The guys in LA. For me, it's amazing because Dave's like, we're not going to be able to pay you. | ||
| We can get you out here, but you will never have to fucking wait to eat at any of these restaurants ever. | ||
| I'm like, I'll do it just for that. | ||
| I get there. | ||
| I don't know who any of these people are, but they are the fucking champions of the cooking world. | ||
| I got to hang out with them for a week. | ||
| You want to talk about following patterns of success? | ||
| I mean, first of all, they're all angry. | ||
| Like an insane amount of, like, this is the way you run a restaurant. | ||
| Why? | ||
| They challenge everything. | ||
| They are fucking brave. | ||
| They fucking went for it. | ||
| Everyone said a restaurant is going to fail. | ||
| The chances of a restaurant staying in business is not that good. | ||
| And who's going to want to eat a fucking taco that has Korean meat? | ||
| They're challenging the norm. | ||
| They're challenging society. | ||
| And they're all crazy. | ||
| A challenging society with tacos? | ||
| Just, you know, whenever you go to a restaurant and you... | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| I went there and I was like, I don't even know why I'm here. | ||
| So these guys are talking about... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| You're there to eat? | ||
| No, it was about next level food. | ||
| It was serious. | ||
| It's like what food is doing to... | ||
| You mean the conference? | ||
| The whole conference, yeah. | ||
| Okay, I thought you meant the restaurant. | ||
| Oh, well the restaurant was to eat, but then the whole conference was like... | ||
| The fucking shitty food we're serving in public schools. | ||
| A speaker there was from Somalia, his restaurant had been blown up like three times and he keeps opening it. | ||
| So it was about all these... | ||
| It was sort of like on a serious topic, like the state of food right now with overpopulation and what that's doing to create dark snow. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here? | ||
| And it was super serious and they're covering real issues about Food and the world and this and that. | ||
| And then I just went on stage and started talking about how everything makes me shit. | ||
| That's all I could do. | ||
| So you tried to do stand-up? | ||
| I did stand-up. | ||
| How did it go? | ||
| It went amazing. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, it was fucking awesome. | ||
| I puked before. | ||
| I went for a walk and I was like... | ||
| The girl before me was a 10-year-old speaker that talked about how she changed the way people eat in Africa off her blog. | ||
| And I'm like, I need to kill myself right now. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She's 10 and she changed the way they eat in Africa. | ||
| Yeah, she started a blog about how people are starving and everyone's crying and clapping. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I was like, I can't go up there and try to sound like I'm a food guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I just talked about... | ||
| Things that give you diarrhea. | ||
| Well, I'm Asian. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I'm Asian, I grew up in America. | ||
| Asians aren't supposed to eat lasagna. | ||
| They're not? | ||
| No. | ||
| Why? | ||
| There's no cheese in Korean food. | ||
| There's not? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's no cheese in Korean food. | ||
| So you can't eat lasagna? | ||
| So thousands of years of Koreans eating rice and soup and Korean seaweed and shit. | ||
| Kriapula wine? | ||
| They come to America. | ||
| What did you say, Brian? | ||
| Korean poo wine. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's something in Korea. | ||
| It's a medicine. | ||
| Vice did a thing on it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Where they take the poo of a seven-year-old child. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| And they actually had a reporter from Vice that had to take it. | ||
| And I felt so bad for her. | ||
| She was so... | ||
| Nice about it. | ||
| And she drank the poo wine? | ||
| I don't know about Korea. | ||
| I don't want to see this. | ||
| Poo wine, but basically... | ||
| Cut that off, dude. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| You know, all this shit that's part of an American diet, like hamburgers, spaghetti, tacos, all this shit. | ||
| This is all new, you know? | ||
| This is all new, so... | ||
| So your genetics are not set up for cheese. | ||
| So my entire life, I've had irritable bowel syndrome. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| My whole life, a part of anxiety is... | ||
| I'm gonna go talk to Joel right now, live, for, I don't know, an hour, two hours, whatever. | ||
| If I'm getting nervous, I have to shit. | ||
| Like, what, I'm going to make this guy live cut the thing so I have to run? | ||
| So that gives me more anxiety, and that adds to the puking. | ||
| So did you cut dairy out of your diet? | ||
| I love lasagna. | ||
| I can't stop. | ||
| So that's just your decision. | ||
| You love lasagna more than you love not shitting yourself. | ||
| I love comics the same way you love comics. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But I grew up reading, like, Calvin and Hobbes. | ||
| I started with the funnies, the newspaper, you know, like Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes, all that shit. | ||
| And so, I was obsessed with Garfield, like, eating lasagna. | ||
| You know, I'm like, why does this cat eat lasagna? | ||
| You know, because I'm an Asian kid eating rice and fucking kimchi. | ||
| I forgot about Garfield eating lasagna. | ||
| I don't even know how to pronounce it. | ||
| Lasagna, you know? | ||
| So, I'm like, you know, and I don't know what it is. | ||
| It's like an exotic foreign white people food thing. | ||
| And then my aunt brings it one day, and we eat the shit out of it. | ||
| And I'm like, no wonder Garfield loves it. | ||
| Because it's cheesy and it's got tomato sauce. | ||
| And what does it do? | ||
| It explodes out of my ass. | ||
| It's like poison to me. | ||
| I can't eat this shit. | ||
| I can't eat dairy. | ||
| I'm lactose intolerant. | ||
| But it tastes so good. | ||
| There's nothing in Korean food that tastes close to that. | ||
| I mean, we have other delicious treats, but nothing like that. | ||
| So I'm like, look. | ||
| But you were willing to take that just for the delicious taste. | ||
| You're willing to just have to shit yourself. | ||
| I do it even today, now. | ||
| I mean, my... | ||
| I've had irritable bowel syndrome, so I've always looked it up on WebMD and shit like that. | ||
| There's no known cause for it, but they think it's most likely stress. | ||
| But wouldn't it be dietary? | ||
| Well, it's a combination. | ||
| I have the IBS from the non-stop stress, and then also... | ||
| The dietary part of it. | ||
| So, yeah, I cut down a little bit on the dairy, but the stress part, a lot of it came from the gambling, from taking all these insane chances. | ||
| Like, I'll tell you, like, oh, I'm going to fight some crazy killer and I might get my shit kicked in, whatever. | ||
| Like, I'm cool, like, out here, but inside I'm like, oh my god, you know? | ||
| Or we're going to send you to interview some Somali pirates and they might chop your head off, you know? | ||
| Cool. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| But inside, I'm just shitting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| I'm just a fucking mess. | ||
| So I internalize it. | ||
| So as I've eliminated less stress from my life, the IBS has gotten better, you know? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| So that's what I did my whole act on. | ||
| And, you know, one of my friends, Harris Whittles, who writes for Eastbound and Down, he does stand-up too, and I said, Dude, what the fuck do I talk about? | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| Anytime you do stand-up, it's a fucking cheap shot, it's a no-brainer. | ||
| Shit stories always kills. | ||
| So I went up, and it did. | ||
| The people there were like, I was like, oh, that food you guys serve me makes me shit. | ||
| I turned it around. | ||
| I ended up talking about how I'm in a different practice than them. | ||
| You know, if you want to be successful, if you're not focused in life is to be like a family person, but if you want to be the absolute best of whatever your field is, then you have to take chances. | ||
| You can't be a pussy. | ||
| You can't be a follower. | ||
| You can't follow... | ||
| You have to break constantly and challenge yourself and challenge the way everything is. | ||
| You have to question things, and it's scary because no one else has done it. | ||
| So, shitting yourself? | ||
| You're questioning and challenging yourself? | ||
| Well, that... | ||
| That is the joke part, but when it was at its worst, I didn't leave the house. | ||
| Wow, that's so crazy. | ||
| I can't believe you kept that diet up, though. | ||
| This was my day. | ||
| Well, it wasn't just the diet. | ||
| How much of a variation did you give your diet? | ||
| Did you ever cut out gluten? | ||
| Did you ever cut out dairy, everything, and just try to eat nothing but meat and vegetables? | ||
| Yeah, I've done every different kind of... | ||
| Nothing helps? | ||
| I did just protein stuff. | ||
| I've done different stuff, but at the end of the day, it's always the stress that gets to me. | ||
| What stress? | ||
| I feel like I'm in therapy. | ||
| Well, I've been in jail a lot of times, which means I did a lot of bad things. | ||
| So yeah, I used to constantly be looking over my shoulder. | ||
| So that's the stress. | ||
| That was when I was younger. | ||
| Then the gambling, every time, every week, I would put my entire life savings on the line. | ||
| So it's like, wow, I'm in Vegas. | ||
| Someone else is having a good time, going to strip club, whatever. | ||
| I'm risking everything I've ever worked for right now. | ||
| That creates stress. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And how do you deal with that today? | ||
| Well, I don't gamble anymore. | ||
| Just couldn't take it anymore. | ||
| It's just stupid. | ||
| There's no reason for me to gamble. | ||
| When you made as much money as me, it's just retarded to gamble. | ||
| Right, because you get caught up and lose it all. | ||
| What's the point? | ||
| And it can happen, right? | ||
| People have done that. | ||
| Especially when you go to Macau and they're like, do you want to fucking bet with million dollar chips? | ||
| Oh my Jesus Christ. | ||
| That makes me so nervous. | ||
| It makes your dick dribble up into your body. | ||
| When I pass by those tables in Vegas and I see someone who's willing to bet like $25,000 on a roll of roulette, I've seen it happen. | ||
| Oh no, that was me. | ||
| What a crazy move that is. | ||
| That's the pink chips. | ||
| And I got to the point in Vegas where they knew me, and they would let me bet a quarter million. | ||
| Dan White won $7 million one night in Vegas. | ||
| He's lost as much as a million. | ||
| You guys should get together and make out. | ||
| I mean, that guy has made a shit ton of money doing UFC, and so to get his dick card, he has to bet like that. | ||
| To get his dick hard. | ||
| That is an expression for gamblers, isn't it? | ||
| To get his dick hard? | ||
| Yeah, what's he going to do? | ||
| Sit at a table and play $20 blackjack? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nickel slots. | |
| What is it about people that love that? | ||
| First of all, a lot of UFC takes place in Vegas, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He lives in Vegas. | ||
| The UFC office is in Vegas. | ||
| And if he's an addict, then he's dangerously... | ||
| That's a horrible place to live. | ||
| Yeah, but he's getting away with it because he's rich and he makes a lot of money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he figures out how to do it, and he's good at it. | ||
| Well, see, in Vegas they cap you off, you know? | ||
| You can't bet the way you do in Macau. | ||
| Well, that's one of the reasons why we stopped being at the Palms. | ||
| They cut back his limit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They cut back his credit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because he was killing them. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a shit ton of money, if you have a bankroll and you know how to gamble, you could fucking knock one of those casinos out and, you know, they'll fucking... | ||
| Yeah, it's a good feeling. | ||
| That's hilarious, man. | ||
| That's so crazy and dangerous and wild, the idea of betting that much fucking money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have that at all. | |
| How did you think I got to that point? | ||
| I'm sure I can get that. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| You bet with your life savings and win-win until you get to the point where you're like, oh, now I'm like those guys betting $25,000 a hand. | ||
| Well, you're a smart guy, and you also know that there's some ways as a gambler, in quotes, you can sort of minimize the risks, and it's by being very intelligent about what you're doing. | ||
| That's exactly what I'm telling you about MMA fighting, but with much more everlasting repercussions. | ||
| Because if you get broke, you're a smart guy, you'll figure out how to get money again. | ||
| You already know the drill. | ||
| You know how to get rich. | ||
| But I'm not trying to be like a professional fighter with a long career. | ||
| I'm trying to have one fight. | ||
| I understand, but I'll tell you what. | ||
| One fight could kill me. | ||
| Yeah, Tiago Alves in one fight could change your fucking life. | ||
| That motherfucker would change the whole rest of your life with a couple of knees. | ||
| It's just, you gotta make sure that if you're fighting someone that they're like you. | ||
| A guy who's not necessarily a lifelong expert, maybe has a little bit of martial arts, and you gotta get good at protecting yourself against strikes. | ||
| That's the big one. | ||
| Because it sounds like if you have a judo base, you're probably a really good grappler. | ||
| Judo guys are notoriously strong core strength, hard to take down. | ||
| I give amazing bear hugs. | ||
| But the striking is a totally different thing. | ||
| Dude will set you up, fake you out, and drop a fucking bomb on your noodle, and you're not going to like it. | ||
| I have a weak chin. | ||
| I'll get knocked the fuck out. | ||
| One chin, one knock right here, I'm out. | ||
| Don't do it, man. | ||
| Don't do it then. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| But a grappling match, that could be some hardcore shit. | ||
| You could learn jiu-jitsu, learn jiu-jitsu, get into a school, train, and train for a grappling match. | ||
| And the worst case scenario is you get tapped out. | ||
| You get strangled. | ||
| You're tapped out. | ||
| You're all right. | ||
| You get an arm bar. | ||
| You tap out. | ||
| And it'll be fucking crazy wild and fun, but you don't have to worry about the lasting effects of head trauma. | ||
| It still is possibly and potentially very dangerous, but you'll minimize the risks considerably when you take out striking. | ||
| I just tell people if you want to fight, that shit should be a solitary thing. | ||
| There should be nothing else you want to do in your life. | ||
| I don't want to fight and be a best-selling author and be a fighter pilot. | ||
| So what do you want to do? | ||
| Do you want to fight? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There's dudes out there that only want to fight. | ||
| The day I decide that this is something I'm going to do, I'm not going to... | ||
| Do anything else. | ||
| I'll train and that'll be it. | ||
| That'll be my life. | ||
| You should do painting too. | ||
| You'd be like Miyamoto Musashi. | ||
| He was a great samurai who also did a lot of calligraphy and painting. | ||
| He thought it was important. | ||
| Write poetry. | ||
| I mean, the way I throw myself in... | ||
| When I paint, that's all I do. | ||
| I throw my... | ||
| I'm like, this is... | ||
| You know, there's always going to be someone better than me, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to do the best I can, and there's nothing... | ||
| Besides painting, that's going to obsess. | ||
| We had a cool conversation about work last time I was at your place. | ||
| You go through these spurts sometimes. | ||
| You just decide to attack and start working. | ||
| I do that, but also the same way when people are like, I'm an artist. | ||
| I'm like, this is what I do. | ||
| Even though I haven't painted for four years, I do something creative every day. | ||
| If I had to paint for a career like living, Then I don't do the gay, like, oh, I only paint when I'm emotionally, like, moved to do it or when I feel like it. | ||
| Like, whether I feel like shit, like it's a real job, I show up every day, every day, repetition, paint a horse, paint it a thousand times, it'll get better. | ||
| It's like, it's a real job. | ||
| I paint whether my girlfriend dumped me or whether she's sucking my dick or whatever. | ||
| Every fucking day, you paint. | ||
| No matter what. | ||
| No excuse. | ||
| That's a beautiful statement right there. | ||
| People should take that and make a video of it. | ||
| Don't be fucking gay. | ||
| Don't say that, man. | ||
| You say that. | ||
| Gay as in like, I don't feel like... | ||
| I know what you're saying, but you still... | ||
| You know, I need inspiration. | ||
| Fuck your inspiration. | ||
| But you shouldn't call it gay. | ||
| Okay, you force yourself... | ||
| Come up with it another way. | ||
| You force yourself... | ||
| Transgender. | ||
| Don't call it that either, dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, gay as in glorious and amazing. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| I feel where you're coming from. | ||
| It's a call to arms. | ||
| Get up and work. | ||
| Get your shit done. | ||
| And if you're a professional, you do it every day. | ||
| And that's how the work gets done. | ||
| And don't be a wimp. | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| Don't be weak. | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| I shouldn't say don't be a pussy. | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| Pussy is amazing. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things. | ||
| Yeah, but don't be a pussy. | ||
| Why would you? | ||
| It would be something amazing. | ||
| It would be something I want to lick. | ||
| I'd lick myself all day. | ||
| It seems wrong to call someone a pussy, and that means he's a bad thing. | ||
| I'm not trying to change the language here. | ||
| It works. | ||
| It's better than fag. | ||
| But when they say don't be a pussy, are they talking about like a pussy cat, like a cat? | ||
| Is that working? | ||
| What are they talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Are they talking about the fat fuck Garfield? | ||
| Lasagna eating cocksucker. | ||
| Gave me irritable bowel syndrome. | ||
| But it's like, for success and shit like that, like especially with music or art or something creative, it's like, it's easy to be like, I only feel inspired. | ||
| It's like, fuck that. | ||
| Repetition. | ||
| Put in the time. | ||
| Discipline. | ||
| Put in the time. | ||
| Force yourself. | ||
| Whether you feel like it or not, that's the way you do it. | ||
| You're dead right. | ||
| You're dead right. | ||
| That applies to comedy. | ||
| It's training. | ||
| It applies to comedy. | ||
| It applies to martial arts. | ||
| It applies to everything. | ||
| And that's why when I paint something in two seconds, it's because I've already painted it a thousand times. | ||
| So... | ||
| I don't want to be a dick, Joe, but I have to actually run back to the other side of LA, and I have to get a painting done. | ||
| Dude, we're out of time anyway. | ||
| It was a lot of fun, man. | ||
| You were fired up today. | ||
| You can tell you've been doing a lot of podcasts. | ||
| You're a different person. | ||
| You've got a lot of shit to say now. | ||
| You're an animal, man. | ||
| When you get comfortable, you get wound up and you just fucking fire off. | ||
| Is this show over? | ||
| So the show's over. | ||
| The show is right now 6-12. | ||
| Do you just end it whenever you feel like it? | ||
| We end it whenever we feel like it. | ||
| We don't have any producers, man. | ||
| I gotta beat traffic and... | ||
| Beat that traffic, son. | ||
| I'm gonna bribe Aubrey Plaza into being my best friend. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| She's the actress from... | ||
| Are you doing shout-outs right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Are you giving someone a shout-out? | ||
| No, I gotta... | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| She wants a painting from me and I said, for you to get a painting from me, you gotta be my best friend. | ||
| Thanks to Stamps.com. | ||
| Use the code word J-R-E on Stamps.com and save some money. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com. | ||
| Use the code word Rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Alright, you freaks. | ||
| We'll see you next week. | ||
| Can I plug my show? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Everyone, thanks for listening to Joe Rogan's show. | ||
| If you like this shit... | ||
| Oh, this is my first commercial. | ||
| I got a show called Double Vag, Double Anal Sensitive Artist. | ||
| That's DVDASA.com. | ||
| Go listen to it. | ||
| That's my show. | ||
| DVDASA. And if you guys like the early episodes with Yoshi, he has his own show called Yoshi Didn't. | ||
| Go listen to that show. | ||
| And that's all I got to put. | ||
| Asakira.com. | ||
| And Asakira, my beautiful co-star. | ||
| All right, beautiful party people. | ||
| We'll see you guys next week. | ||
| Everybody have a good time this weekend. | ||
| Oh, we'll be Friday night. | ||
| We'll be at the Ice House fucking around in that little room. | ||
| If you've ever been to the Ice House, there's that little tiny room there. | ||
| And I'll be there. | ||
| Brian, who else is there? | ||
| We got Fahim, Justin Martindale. | ||
| Got a couple other people. | ||
| That place is the lab. | ||
| That place is where we do our best fucking around to come up with new material. | ||
| It's really small. | ||
| It's only like 80 people, and it's a lot of fun. | ||
| Alright, so that's the Ice House, Friday night. | ||
| One last plug. | ||
| Beautiful people. | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| The date, November 2nd. | ||
| November 2nd. | ||
| I don't know what I'm going to do then, but that's the year. | ||
| Last year, November 2nd, I took over the Reddit. | ||
| I'm going to maybe do something weird like that again. | ||
| So just don't know what I'm going to do yet. | ||
| So you're giving out a pay attention to me November 2nd ticket. | ||
| Something crazy. | ||
| Alright, party people. | ||
| Thanks everybody. | ||
| Love you. | ||
| See you soon. |
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