Aug. 12, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:51:34
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| I'm just going to tell these fucking people. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| There's a lot of people that don't even know this podcast is happening right now. | ||
| This is a disaster. | ||
| I will right now tweet it as I'm talking. | ||
| That's how slick I am. | ||
| I'm not very slick at all. | ||
| Just bear with me. | ||
| This is going to be clunky. | ||
| They're going to be like, I thought this was a good podcast. | ||
| Here we go, bitches. | ||
| Here we go, bitches. | ||
| I'll retweet it. | ||
| Please do, Jimmy Norton. | ||
| That's called being lazy, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll let Joe do all the work and the fucking hashtagging and I'll just retweet it. | |
| I do a lot of retweeting, too. | ||
| It's too much work when people ask you to just tweet things. | ||
| Hey, tweet this for me. | ||
| Bitch, you didn't even tweet it yourself. | ||
| Like Brian Callen, that motherfucker will tell you, hey, tweet that I'm here, tweet that I'm here. | ||
| And then you go to his Twitter page, and he didn't even tweet it himself. | ||
| It's like, I was gonna, but I had to do this wrestling class, and there was a guy, an alligator I had to see. | ||
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.com. | ||
| Squarespace.com. | ||
| Is a website that allows you to build websites very easily. | ||
| It's set up so that a dummy like you or I could easily make... | ||
| Notice how I said you or I? You thought I was going to say me? | ||
| I'm tricky. | ||
| Essentially, it's set up so that a simple person like myself could easily make a website. | ||
| And you can do it really quickly. | ||
| Choose from over 20 badass designs. | ||
| If you need help, they have 24-7 super fast email support. | ||
| You also can start it and try it without paying for it. | ||
| You don't even have to enter your credit card information. | ||
| Just to have so much confidence that it's a cool website for creating websites, that they allow you to play with it first, and then if you decide, like, wow, this website that I made, super easy, is fucking badass, you can easily register it, and you can easily start an online store. | ||
| So it's a pretty sweet account. | ||
| And if you use the code name Rogan, oh, don't even. | ||
| Use the code name Joe and the number 8. There's too many of these codes. | ||
| Squarespace.com and use the offer code Joe and then the number 8. So if you decide to purchase, you get 10% off. | ||
| And the number 8 is because it's the month of August, so it's all one word. | ||
| They're really tricky like that. | ||
| They want to know exactly what month people tuned in and got a Squarespace.com account. | ||
| But it's a badass website. | ||
| You'll enjoy it. | ||
| Go check it out. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Audible.com. | ||
| If you go to Audible.com forward slash Joe, you can get one free audio book and 30 free days of Audible service. | ||
| Audible, which also has Opie and Anthony, which is why I became deeply acquainted with my little buddy Jimmy Norton and his book, Best of Jim Norton, Volume 2. Oh, that's not a book. | ||
| No, it's probably audio. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, it's audio. | |
| Who put that together? | ||
| I guess fans did or something, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Yeah, well, Opie and Anthony's, you know, all the shows are on Audible, so that's the coolest thing ever. | ||
| So, like, if you missed yesterday's show, you just go online and download the show. | ||
| And I think they just took all the best parts of Jimmy on Opie and Anthony. | ||
| This is volume two, so there's a few of them. | ||
|
unidentified
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And this is an hour and ten minutes. | |
| And you said one of your books is available, right? | ||
| Yeah, Happy Ending. | ||
| I did the voice read for an audiobook. | ||
|
unidentified
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I didn't do it for I Hate Your Guts. | |
| How come you didn't have the time? | ||
| No, I wish I had, but because when I did the Happy Endings one, it was such an annoying process to go through because she's like, say it like this and say it like that. | ||
| And I listened to her, but I'm like, I'm a comic. | ||
| I know how to talk. | ||
| I should have just done what I did. | ||
| So she's telling you how to do it? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| How to read it so it's clear. | ||
| And they do that with everybody, but I should have overrode her on a few. | ||
| I went, no. | ||
| I know how to do that. | ||
| Yeah, you can't have that kind of impact. | ||
| You're not going to put out a bad product. | ||
| I know you. | ||
| You're trying to do the best thing that you can do. | ||
| You can't do that when people are trying to change your enunciations. | ||
| Micromanage. | ||
| Yeah, that becomes a problem. | ||
| I had a book deal and I gave back the money because of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you? | |
| Yeah, I didn't want to deal with it. | ||
| They were trying to get me to write it like a stand-up, in stand-up form. | ||
| And we kind of had such a, the gap between what they wanted and what I wanted to do was so wide that I was like, I don't think it's fair because I can't make your book. | ||
| What dummies they are. | ||
| Well, just they have an idea of what they think could sell. | ||
| They actually wanted me to try to do my stand-up in book form. | ||
| And I was like, there's no way I would do that. | ||
| And they go, but George Carlin did it, and Jerry Seinfeld did it. | ||
| I'm like, that's great, and those guys are great comics. | ||
| I said, I don't care. | ||
| I'm not going to do that. | ||
| I'm never going to do that. | ||
| I'm never going to put my fucking... | ||
| Stand-up is stand-up for a reason. | ||
| It's supposed to be that way. | ||
| And it's cheating in a way. | ||
| It's cheating. | ||
| Instead of coming up with a new book, you're just taking... | ||
| That's lazy thinking by publishers or copy editors. | ||
| Well, it was just gross. | ||
| I think they were just trying to make money. | ||
| And it led me to think that they were just trying to make the most money possible. | ||
| They weren't really worried about it being good. | ||
| Otherwise, they would never propose that. | ||
| So we just had a different idea of what to do. | ||
| So I understand where you're coming from. | ||
| But, you know, hey, they're in the business of making money. | ||
| They're not in the business of being Jim Norton. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| No one the fuck can tell you. | ||
| Think about all the crazy shit you've ever said and how many people could I would suggest that that would be a good thing to talk about. | ||
| Meanwhile, it's made you who you are. | ||
| They're idiots. | ||
| So, Joe, his book is usually $23.93, but if you sign up right now, you get this book for free. | ||
| Good googly moogly. | ||
| Go check it out. | ||
| Go to audible.com and audible.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Did they change that now? | ||
| Didn't they change that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is all ridiculous. | |
| It was Squarespace. | ||
| Squarespace changed it. | ||
| I think Audible is still basically the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, they all should be the same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jim, you go to a lot of massage parties. | |
| Have you heard of rubmaps.com yet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's going to be your new favorite website. | ||
| You're going to be addicted to it. | ||
| It's pretty much Yelp. | ||
| For massage parlors. | ||
| Go there and realize that Brian got jerked off by the gal right before you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, exactly. | ||
| But it has reviews, like if you want a handjob, if you want full sex, if you want whatever, and it tells you all the places near you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, nice, man. | |
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
|
unidentified
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The reviews are the best. | |
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Excellent. | ||
| Wouldn't it be great if that was all legal and we could just be like gentlemen and discuss this? | ||
| Oh, that would be wonderful. | ||
| She's an Asian, but she has bad breath, but she will eat your ass for an extra 30. Slightly bruised. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wonderful. | |
| But meanwhile, we're like, ew, why would you do that? | ||
| Ew, what do you want? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pleasure? | |
| Jimmy's book's awesome. | ||
| The one that's on tape you can get at audible.com for free. | ||
| Go audible.com. | ||
| Forward slash Joe. | ||
| You get one free audiobook and 30 free days of audible service. | ||
| Did I ever get you any of the Onnit stuff? | ||
| Did I ever get you any of the Alpha Brain or any of that shit? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| I'm going to get you some. | ||
| I like what you did there, Brian. | ||
| Knot. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that? | |
| Wayne's room. | ||
| I just thought I'd dust Knot off. | ||
| I haven't even tried that in years. | ||
| Knot! | ||
| Psych! | ||
| If you haven't been to Onnit.com, it's our last sponsor. | ||
| We sell what we call a human performance website. | ||
| Everything we sell on Onnit is, in some way, Going to benefit you physically or mentally or your cardio or your mental health. | ||
| There's a bunch of different strength and conditioning exercise equipment pieces that we sell. | ||
| We sell kettlebells and battle ropes and weight vests and steel maces and club bells. | ||
| All shit that really promotes functional strength. | ||
| Strength that you could apply to athletics, whether it's martial arts or a sport. | ||
| Or something along those lines. | ||
| And then the supplements we sell is essentially the best shit we can find in every category. | ||
| Where's the best protein powder that's made out of hemp? | ||
| Where's the best spirulina? | ||
| Where's the best melatonin? | ||
| We just sell the best shit we can get. | ||
| And we try to sell it at a reasonable rate, and we sell it through the internet, so the whole thing is done easily and smoothly. | ||
| We don't have to deal with any third party. | ||
| And if you're interested in any of these supplements, which are the most controversial things that we sell, you know, people are like, what? | ||
| It helps your endurance, what? | ||
| It makes your brain work, what? | ||
| There's a lot of people who don't want to believe things. | ||
| So we have a science thing set up at Onnit.com, explains the science behind all this. | ||
| And then on top of that, there's also a 30-pill, 90-day money-back guarantee. | ||
| So you don't even have to return the product. | ||
| You say, hey, this stuff didn't do shit for me. | ||
| And you get your money back. | ||
| No one's trying to rip you off. | ||
| All we're trying to do is just sell you shit that I use. | ||
| Shit that Aubrey uses. | ||
| Shit that my friends use. | ||
| Alpha brain is what's called a nootropic. | ||
| What nootropics are is nutrients that have been shown in certain studies to enhance certain aspects of cognitive function. | ||
| Whether it's being able to Problem Solve, or Memory, or there's other supplements like New Mood, which is a 5-HTP supplement, which is great for your serotonin development. | ||
| It also has L-tryptophan, which converts to 5-HTP. I'm talking too much. | ||
| Any of these questions you need answered on any of this stuff, you can go to onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. If you use the code name ROGAN, you'll save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| My pal Jimmy Norton is here. | ||
| Cue the music, Brian. | ||
| Let's get frisky. | ||
| That's the frisky off, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Powerful Jimmy Norton. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's the most magical intro we've ever given you. | ||
| It's delightful. | ||
| I just feel like there's some energy in the air when I said that. | ||
| What's going on, my brother? | ||
| Good to see you. | ||
| Good to see you. | ||
| I'm okay. | ||
| I'm drinking this coffee, and it's very good with the butter in it, but I know that I'm going to be... | ||
| Because any of that stuff, like lactose, just fucks me up, so I know I'm going to be... | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I'll be interested to see if it has the same effect on you, because it's grass-fed butter. | ||
| I wonder if that has the same effect. | ||
| You know what I find? | ||
| I find that I can be lactose intolerant. | ||
| But when I drink raw milk, I don't have any problem. | ||
| What's the grass-fed butter effect? | ||
| Well, the idea is, and obviously I'm no doctor, so don't listen to me, but the idea is that butter from grass-fed cows is butter from healthier cows. | ||
| And cows are not designed to eat corn. | ||
| And when they eat corn, it's one of the reasons why they get so fucking fat. | ||
| It's just not a part of their normal diet. | ||
| Their normal diet is just grass. | ||
| And when you have grass-fed beef, it's a much leaner beef. | ||
| It tastes different. | ||
| And the idea is that the butter is different too. | ||
| And the butter is actually healthy for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| As opposed to the butter that you're getting that's, you know, from corn-fed cows. | ||
| The other thing is the homogenization and pasteurization of milk changes so much about how your body absorbs it. | ||
| Like the enzymes in it and everything. | ||
| Have you ever had like raw milk? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't love milk. | ||
| I drink it out of necessity and other shit, but I can never be the professional just walking around slugging milk. | ||
| I always thought how bad his breath must be. | ||
| All he did was drink fucking milk. | ||
| Well, that was supposed to be the sign that you're a serious man. | ||
| Did you ever see the movie The Hustler? | ||
| Do you mean with Paul Newman? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Do you remember Jackie Gleason's backer was George C. Scott? | ||
| And George C. Scott played Bert and Bert Gordon. | ||
| And he drank a glass of milk everywhere. | ||
| Oh, I didn't remember that. | ||
| Everybody's getting fucked up left and right. | ||
| They're all drinking whiskey and they're all fucking... | ||
| And Bert's just over there drinking a glass of milk. | ||
| He's serious. | ||
| A serious gambler. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| No, I never saw that. | ||
| I remember the movie. | ||
| I don't remember that part of it. | ||
| I guess it was like, I want to say 63. Yeah. | ||
| I want to say it was 1963. It's a great fucking movie. | ||
| The guy Fats changed his name because of that. | ||
| Minnesota Fats was Gleason. | ||
| What was the original Fats? | ||
|
unidentified
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New York Fats. | |
| New York Fats he was. | ||
| Roof Wanderone. | ||
| Rudolph Wanderone. | ||
| I think that's his real name. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's Rudolph Wanderone. | ||
| He was not even the best pool player of his era. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Moscone was. | ||
| And they used to have these matches. | ||
| And Moscone hated the fact that people only knew him because he played Minnesota Fats. | ||
| Because Minnesota Fats stole the name off the movie. | ||
| It was a brilliant move. | ||
| He said, that was based on me. | ||
| He was a really eccentric character in Minnesota Fats. | ||
| It wasn't that he was a bad pool player. | ||
| He was a really good pool player. | ||
| But he was a hustler. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he had like a hundred cats. | ||
| He was one of those guys. | ||
| He used to go to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and he'd pick up like two buckets of chicken and he would just toss them in his yard and like a hundred cats would come in and tear the chicken apart. | ||
| Like that's what he did every day. | ||
| That was his thing. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, wow. | |
| Yeah, he had like a gang of stray animals that he fed. | ||
| So he was an interesting guy. | ||
| But the character wasn't based on him. | ||
| The character, most likely, was just based on a bunch of different pool players with some fiction added to it. | ||
| My priest, years ago, when I was in North Brunswick, his name was Father Mizorak. | ||
| He's dead now, but his brother was a very famous... | ||
| Steve Mizorak? | ||
| Yeah, that was his brother. | ||
| Even when you're just showing off, or his cousin. | ||
| There was a relation, though. | ||
| I just don't remember what it was. | ||
| Yeah, he was the guy that did those commercials. | ||
| Yeah, on Miller Lite, I think, right? | ||
| Yeah, every now and then a guy sneaks through and becomes famous through a sport where no one else is famous. | ||
| In pool, everybody says Jeanette Lee. | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| If you tell someone that you play pool, people go, do you know who Jeanette Lee is? | ||
| She's this really beautiful woman who was also a pool champion. | ||
| She doesn't play, I don't think, as much anymore. | ||
| She was on ESPN a lot. | ||
| She might be back into it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But she's beautiful. | ||
| And she plays really good pool. | ||
| And she wears all black. | ||
| And her nickname is the Black Widow. | ||
| And she's Korean. | ||
| So she's got this dark black hair. | ||
| And she's pretty. | ||
| So people go nuts for her. | ||
| So she's like the Lance Armstrong. | ||
| And I don't mean this by performance enhancing. | ||
| I mean by... | ||
| Or testicle cancer. | ||
| Either one. | ||
| Lance Armstrong is the only bike guy I've ever heard of. | ||
| I guess Greg LeMond, he was one that I'd heard of way back in the past, but as far as being able to name professional cycles, I can't. | ||
| After Lance Armstrong, no one cares about any of them. | ||
| Yeah, so if you talk about, like, professional pool players, almost everybody goes, oh, what about the Black Widow? | ||
| Like, that woman. | ||
| I've probably seen her, but I don't know her. | ||
| I bet you have. | ||
| She's in commercials, too, I'm sure. | ||
| She does a lot. | ||
| But she's been the most successful at, like, utilizing her image. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And becoming famous in a sport where almost no one's famous. | ||
| For pool players, it's a tough time. | ||
| It's very hard to make a living. | ||
| It's very hard to become famous. | ||
| And it's hard to express a personality there or something that differentiates you and makes you likable that is bigger than the sport. | ||
| Maybe she has that. | ||
| Maybe there's something about her. | ||
| She's just hot, dude. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's hot and she plays pool. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And she's very savvy as far as marketing. | ||
| Rather wide-backed girl. | ||
| She's a big girl. | ||
|
unidentified
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You played with her on that celebrity pool thing, didn't you? | |
| I didn't actually get to play with her. | ||
| I played in a tournament and she was the commentator, which was kind of crazy that she's commentating on me playing pool. | ||
| She's like a world-class professional. | ||
| But luckily I was playing against people who didn't have any idea what they were doing. | ||
| I like pool and hate it. | ||
| I don't find it relaxing at all. | ||
| It assets me because I stink at it and I suck at long green shots. | ||
| I'm fairly hideous at pool and I never found it enjoyable because I just can't get the hang of it. | ||
| Pool's one of those things that gets enjoyable when you get really good. | ||
| As you get really good, then it becomes really satisfying. | ||
| If you can get into a groove and run out racks and get in good position, it's so satisfying. | ||
| That cocky walk around the table that I've never taken, I just fucking shamefully go from point A to point B and hope I don't scratch like a cunt. | ||
| The worst is playing in a bar. | ||
| A whole bunch of people like crowded around a table and drinking and bumping into shit. | ||
| What a ridiculous idea. | ||
| A precision game in a bar with a bunch of drunks stumbling into tables. | ||
| And then darts. | ||
| There's another fucking genius idea. | ||
| Let's take a bunch of people that are hammered and give them pointed metal things to throw at each other. | ||
| Yeah, hope they don't cross the line. | ||
|
unidentified
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There's nothing worse than a dart league. | |
| They'll fight over a guy's fucking foot crossing the line. | ||
| They'll actually go to blows. | ||
| I don't find it enjoyable. | ||
| I've played darts. | ||
| Even if I got them all on the red button, I'd be like, who gives a fuck? | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
| I don't enjoy darts. | ||
| Do you think if you tried to pick a fight with a dart guy, did they draw on each other? | ||
| Did they pull their darts out? | ||
| And take three paces or whatever and throw them at each other? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was in a fight. | |
| Not in a fight. | ||
| I was at a bar that there was a fight and somebody took darts and stabbed the guy in the back of the neck with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| It was disgusting. | ||
| They probably never fight each other for that reason. | ||
| They're all holding darts. | ||
| It's like fucking robbing a store in Texas. | ||
| Everybody's got a gun. | ||
| You don't do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's an interesting way of looking at it. | ||
| You never hear about two dart players going at it and throwing darts at each other. | ||
| They're really experts at tossing weapons. | ||
| A dart's a fucking weapon. | ||
| If it was poison, you're fucked, man. | ||
| How are you going to stop a dart from a dart expert? | ||
| The only thing is they take their time, those fucks. | ||
| Don't you hate when they line? | ||
| I hate when they've got their foot there and they've got the eye thing and the arm's going back and forth. | ||
| You're like, oh, just fucking kill yourself. | ||
| It fucking stinks. | ||
| What a stupid fucking... | ||
| If you really stop and think about it, I mean, it's fun to play, don't get me wrong, but what a stupid skill to throw something and make it stick into a wall in a certain spot. | ||
| It's something that counted years ago. | ||
| We hunted for food or, like, you know, on Game of Thrones, that's a great skill to have, to be able to shoot something accurately at a target, but now it just doesn't mean anything anymore. | ||
| Unless you're hunting. | ||
| Unless you're going like squirrel hunting with a bow and arrow. | ||
| You have to have a really good aim. | ||
| Yeah, if you're doing something like that. | ||
| Could you hunt with a dart? | ||
| Could you go bird hunting with a dart and get close enough to these motherfuckers? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Blow dart. | ||
| Blow dart would work. | ||
| I watched a special where these dudes were jacking monkeys with blow darts. | ||
| It's really crazy to watch, man. | ||
| Watching people kill monkeys is very strange. | ||
| I mean, it feels so close to murder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You know, you're like, man, a monkey? | ||
| You're killing monkeys? | ||
| Like, those things are really close to people. | ||
| They're close, man. | ||
| Shooting darts on this thing. | ||
| And these monkeys. | ||
| There was, I think, Kirari? | ||
| I think that was the name of the poison. | ||
| There was some sort of poison. | ||
| Is it from a toad's back or some shit? | ||
| Usually frogs are motherfuckers, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Frog's back will kill you. | ||
| Yeah, well, the dudes in the Amazon, they find out everything that kills you, and they take note. | ||
| Okay, if you ever want to put something on a spear tip, that fucking thing will kill you. | ||
| Because they ate it once. | ||
| Somebody they know ate it once and dropped dead, and they're like, make a note. | ||
| Shoot that at somebody. | ||
| I mean, that's the only way they knew. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you're dealing with, like, the Amazon, you ever see the documentary about the guy who swam through the Amazon? | ||
| He swam, like, the length of the Amazon River? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It's a really fascinating... | ||
| Let me find... | ||
| A guy swims... | ||
| Amazon. | ||
| How many miles is the Amazon? | ||
| Documentary. | ||
| Oh, it's a long fucking time. | ||
| He got fucked up, too. | ||
| Big River Man. | ||
| Yeah, it's called Big River Man. | ||
| The guy is fucking crazy. | ||
| I mean, he's crazy. | ||
| He drinks beer every night. | ||
| And he gets in this water and swims for days. | ||
| And he doesn't even look like he's in the greatest shape in the world. | ||
| But the guy just can go and go and go. | ||
| But he's ingesting all this fucking water in this parasite-ridden place. | ||
| And he gets all fucked up from it. | ||
| I mean, he's really, really, really sick. | ||
| And he keeps going. | ||
| He keeps going. | ||
| He keeps fucking swimming this thing. | ||
| I mean, what he did was pretty fucking incredible. | ||
| Because he was just like a regular guy who drank beer who decided to make this happen. | ||
| Like, I don't think, you know, I mean, he's, he would, you know, look at him, like, you see the way he's built? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's built like a, I mean, he's a sturdy looking fella. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But he's, he's not built like a guy who's gonna swim the fucking length of the Amazon. | ||
| I saw it a couple of years ago, so I can't remember all the details about it, but I remember thinking, like, what a crazy character this guy is. | ||
| He's built like a fighter in the 20s. | ||
| Remember they had, like, they had the barrel chest, but you knew that they were fucking problems, but they weren't ripped and cut like guys are today. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of guys today that are like that. | ||
| You know, look at a guy like Mike Russo. | ||
| He's a world-class heavyweight in the UFC. He knocked out Todd Duffy. | ||
| He's a big fucking guy. | ||
| He's a Chicago cop, but he's built like that. | ||
| You know, he's built like a regular guy. | ||
| Some people just have a higher level of fat. | ||
| It's just genetically, there's nothing you can do about that. | ||
| Dude, who wants to be punched in the face by a Chicago cop UFC fighter? | ||
| How unpleasant. | ||
| He's a nice guy too. | ||
|
unidentified
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They all are. | |
| The UFC guys are the nicest athletes I've met. | ||
| That's why I love it so much. | ||
| Every one of them has been a cool guy that I've met and interviewed and never have they been dicks to us. | ||
| Well, they have a much healthier attitude. | ||
| I think that the accolades, and this is not hating on anybody, but I think the accolades that a professional athlete gets are almost unhealthy. | ||
| Sometimes, yeah. | ||
| And I think that they're not getting the humiliation that fighters get by losing, by training in the gym, by getting broken in the gym, by getting submitted, by getting tagged. | ||
| There's like a certain level of reality that fighters live in where they don't have to... | ||
| Engage on this chest puffing right that you see a lot of people doing almost to compensate because It's almost like they don't they can't even believe that they're this fucking superstar So part of their brain is like sabotaging of course and causing them to act like cunts and not tip anywhere and Slam doors on people and the kind of shit you hear from like really arrogant pro athletes But with MMA fighters for the most part these are dudes that if you if you're serious about that sport you have to have like a Spartan discipline I mean, | ||
| you have to be the type of person that's watching your diet, making sure you're organizing your training, and you just get humiliated. | ||
| You get humiliated and humbled is a better word. | ||
| You get humbled by the whole process of trying to become great. | ||
| So they're just different athletes. | ||
| You see some pro basketball players that are super arrogant or crazy. | ||
| You don't see nearly... | ||
| You're always going to see a certain amount in the population of people, but you don't see nearly as much in MMA or in the UFC as you would think. | ||
| I haven't met that many NBA people that I liked, to be honest. | ||
| The one I thought was really nice, Clyde Frazier we had on. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| Dr. J was really nice, but I think he's lost a lot of the money. | ||
| I met LeBron James once, briefly. | ||
| And he wasn't awful, but I only got a photo with him. | ||
| This is fairly humiliating. | ||
| I wanted a picture with him. | ||
| He's a comedy seller. | ||
| So I texted Kevin Hart, because they're good friends. | ||
| I'm like, I want to get a picture with LeBron. | ||
| So he texted LeBron. | ||
| He's like, my friend's going to be asking you for a picture. | ||
| So that's the only reason he stopped, was because I texted Kevin Hart. | ||
| Oh, well, that's a good deal, though. | ||
| That's a good connection. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| I'll text my friend who does movies and ask if you can get me a picture of a fucking NBA player. | ||
| What a bad favor to call in. | ||
| Well, people don't know. | ||
| You like getting pictures with celebrities. | ||
| You have more pictures with celebrities than any other celebrity. | ||
| I do have a lot of them, yeah. | ||
| And I'm glad I do it. | ||
| It's fun to do. | ||
| Although the ones I wished I had, I got autographs. | ||
| But I met Kinison once and didn't get a photo. | ||
| And prior I met once and didn't get a photo. | ||
| But I didn't do photos back then. | ||
| Yeah, there's a few people that I wish I had taken a photo with Hicks. | ||
| I think that would have been cool. | ||
| I got to meet him. | ||
| It was more like a hi. | ||
| I never got to talk to him, but I got to see him perform a couple of times when I was an open-miker. | ||
| If cameras were around back then, back then it was really rare you had a camera on you. | ||
| But if cameras around back then, what a great picture that would be. | ||
| Yeah, I never met Bill Hicks. | ||
| Never met him. | ||
| And I've never listened to his stuff. | ||
| Like, I've heard clips we played on ONA, but I've never listened to a Hicks CD. And everyone tells me how great he was, but it's like, at this point in my life, I just don't want to hear another comic and be influenced by him. | ||
| I'm like, I hear he's great and good for him, and I don't want to know it. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| You and I have had this conversation before. | ||
| We have a sort of different opinion on that. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| It can happen. | ||
| But I like getting inspired. | ||
| And I think, for me, the best way to get inspired is by just listening to comedy. | ||
| I get inspired. | ||
| It makes me want to write. | ||
| I don't feel like there's any sense in avoiding a certain amount of influence that we're going to give each other. | ||
| But I also think if your mind is straight and you have good ethics as far as your writing, I don't think you really have to worry about that. | ||
| You know what you're doing. | ||
| You're trying to pursue your ideas. | ||
| You're not trying to pursue somebody else's. | ||
| I think it's a good thing to worry about when you're first starting out, but I don't think you're a stop. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| You're very ethical. | ||
| I respect your take on this opinion. | ||
| Like the reason why you're doing it, you're doing it for the exact right reasons. | ||
| I just always feel like I got into comedy because I love the art form itself, and I'm a fan of it, and I don't want to not be a fan of it. | ||
| Just because I'm doing it doesn't mean I want to still enjoy it as if I had nothing to do with it, if I was never involved. | ||
| If I became a comic book artist or whatever else I wanted to be or could have been, if I wasn't a comic, I would like to think that I would like comedy just as much. | ||
| Yeah, you know, it's funny. | ||
| I went and saw Colin's one-man show about the Constitution. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| I heard great things. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Colin Quinn. | ||
| And where is it? | ||
| It's in New York, but I think he's moving theaters. | ||
| Is it like the Cherry Lane Theater, but he might be moving? | ||
| And it's a whole... | ||
| I think it's better than his last one, which I thought was brilliant. | ||
| But this one is totally... | ||
| It's like stand-up, but it's all about the Constitution. | ||
| And it's fucking... | ||
| That's inspiring. | ||
| To see, like... | ||
| Because he never takes the easy road. | ||
| I admire Colin because he never goes... | ||
| For the easy dick joke or the cheap angle. | ||
| Like, he fucking toughs it out. | ||
| And if he's bombing on stage at the cellar, he takes it like a man. | ||
| And he works it out. | ||
| And he makes it funny. | ||
| Like, he's really, really just above everybody, I think. | ||
| And I put him at the top above all comics. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| To do an hour on the Constitution. | ||
| I could do maybe three minutes. | ||
| And I would immediately go, I wonder how big Jefferson's dick was. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like, I would fucking... | |
| Would lapse right into the fucking slave fucking jokes. | ||
| Yeah, but okay, I've got to stop you right there, because I don't think there's anything wrong with that. | ||
| I think what you do, and I love Colin, I think Colin is hilarious, but honestly, I'd rather see you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| The reason being is because you're a fucked up dude, and you're going to say some fucked up shit, and it's going to be fun. | ||
| You're going to say some nutty shit. | ||
| Colin talking about the Constitution would be fascinating, and I think I'd enjoy that on a completely different level. | ||
| But for sheer laughs, if I wanted to just goof on shit, I would like to see an act like yours. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Because you're having fun, you know? | ||
| And I think having a show on the Constitution is very, very difficult. | ||
| But it's also very difficult to do a show the way you're doing it. | ||
| It's really hard to do what you do. | ||
| That's why there's so very few people who are As honest as you are when you're on stage, as open about your perversions, and as lovable in those. | ||
| That's very difficult to do. | ||
| You shouldn't sell that short. | ||
| What you do is just as much of an art form as what Colin does. | ||
| And I'd love to see both of them. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But you can't say... | ||
| I enjoy that style of comedy, and it's fucking hard to do. | ||
| That's why there's only... | ||
| Out of all the really good dirty comics in this country, how many of them are there really? | ||
| Is there even a dozen? | ||
| Is there even a dozen that you would go out of your way to see? | ||
| Out of 300 million people, is there even a dozen really perverted, dirty guys that you would go see? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, there's not. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a fucking... | ||
| It's a very difficult thing to cultivate, to get to that point. | ||
| You know, it's weird. | ||
| It's like, I don't mind doing dirty stuff. | ||
| Like, if I'm being truthful, I just don't like doing it when I know... | ||
| Like, Pryor said that he said motherfucker or nigger too much at times as a crutch. | ||
| And he knew when he was doing it. | ||
| Like, I don't want to do it as a crutch. | ||
| I don't want to, like, use it as Pryor's motherfucker. | ||
| If I'm doing it because I want to do it, I'm cool with it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| I'll be as filthy as you want. | ||
| Fucking tranny jokes. | ||
| I'll talk about being shit on, whatever. | ||
| But if I'm doing it because I fucking don't have anything, you know what I mean? | ||
| Then I feel like I'm doing the equivalent of a fart sound. | ||
| I wish I didn't sell myself out. | ||
| That is the big leap that you make as a comic when you get past just doing stuff that works to doing stuff that you believe in and it works because you believe in it. | ||
| It's not like a trick. | ||
| I remember doing material that was dirty when I was first starting out. | ||
| One of the things that I would remember is how old... | ||
| Awkward it was when I was forcing it. | ||
| When I was like bombing and I was trying to make like it was funny and it wasn't funny. | ||
| It was just bleh. | ||
| When you're dirty especially, it's like extra awkward. | ||
| Oh, it's like a giant echo in the room because you finish with cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
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Cunt, cunt, cunt. | |
| And you're like so disappointed in yourself. | ||
| And back then I was like always disappointed in myself that I could never go clean. | ||
| I was like, I could probably have a career, I thought. | ||
| I could do well as a clean comic, but for whatever reason, I just wouldn't do it. | ||
| I just didn't. | ||
| I was like, God, why can't you just be clean? | ||
| So when I would bomb, if I would bomb dirty, I'd be like, oh, God. | ||
| Yeah, it's extra humiliating, yeah. | ||
| I wish it was clean. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I don't find any extra valor in cleanliness. | ||
| I mean, it's a good thing to do if you're really funny clean, but I think that they're both equally acceptable if they're original and funny. | ||
| I see clean guys that stink, and I'm like, I don't give a shit. | ||
| I hate cute euphemisms. | ||
| And, you know, then she was giving me a kiss on my... | ||
| Just saying it all, man. | ||
| On the TV, you can't say Cocker. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| But when you're trying to cute it up in a nightclub, it physically makes me ill. | ||
| I'm embarrassed for comics to do that. | ||
| Well, there'd be an embarrassing person to talk to. | ||
| Could you imagine having a conversation with a person like that? | ||
| You're sitting down and having a conversation with a person that is just... | ||
| Just goofy and dorky. | ||
| You don't want to talk to a person who doesn't swear. | ||
| No. | ||
| Can't tell you one-on-one, tell me what happened. | ||
| And then she's sucking my cock, and I can't believe it's happening. | ||
| Tell that. | ||
| Say that. | ||
| Say that if that happened. | ||
| So I know you. | ||
| So I get to know you. | ||
| Because if you exclude anything weird or twisted about yourself, I'm never going to really know you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| It's hard for people to do. | ||
| People don't like to include that. | ||
| And I understand that I'm in a job and we're in a job where it's a little easier for us because almost most things are acceptable in our business. | ||
| Like, as a comedian, it's hard as an accountant to walk in and go, I fucking went out with this girl and she's blowing me and I realized she had a dick but I was high and I let her. | ||
| Like, you can't walk into an accounting office and tell everybody that. | ||
| But if you say that as a comic, everybody's like, alright, so what? | ||
| How was the gig? | ||
|
unidentified
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We don't care. | |
| We're hard to shock. | ||
| Yeah, you could come to a room full of comics, a writer's room, and tell that story, and instantly everybody would be laughing. | ||
| Yeah, they don't care. | ||
| We're harder to surprise, and we accept a lot more, and we can speak our mind a lot more. | ||
| But there's a line that goes beyond that, where people are just being unnecessarily adorable and not revealing, and I hate them for it. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Yeah, no, I know what you're saying. | ||
| They're putting on an act. | ||
| Either that or they're a crazy person. | ||
| I think they're putting on an act. | ||
| And not to say that everybody has to speak in racially insensitive language or be this way, but to judge it like they don't get it. | ||
| Like Wiener, I don't care what the guy does, but for men to act like, I can't comprehend taking a picture of my cock. | ||
| Of course you can. | ||
| We all understand why he does what he does. | ||
| Now, a lot of guys won't do it. | ||
| A lot of guys don't cheat. | ||
| But to act appalled that he wants to get his dick sucked. | ||
| People are enjoying claiming the moral high ground. | ||
| I think that's going to happen in the future less and less. | ||
| When technology becomes more intertwined in our lives, there's going to be less and less privacy. | ||
| There's going to be less and less of grandstanding. | ||
| Or there's going to be people that do it and get caught, like Wiener or like Eliot Spitzer. | ||
| It's a perfect example. | ||
| He was a guy who was the mayor of New York, or the governor of New York, and was arresting prostitution rings, but was also using them. | ||
| It's one of the craziest ideas ever. | ||
| And so when you get caught, nobody's going to feel bad. | ||
| What are you doing, man? | ||
| You didn't just use a prostitute. | ||
| You were arresting them. | ||
| You were shutting down prostitution rings, and then you were using prostitutes. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Yeah, it's the equivalent of your agent double-dipping. | ||
| It's immoral on every level, and it's sickening. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy to arrest him in the first place for getting paid to do something that's perfectly legal to do free. | ||
| If they just fucked, if they just had a website that said, hey, let's meet up and fuck, no one would have a problem with that. | ||
| But yet, because some money's being exchanged... | ||
| What is it really? | ||
| Is it a tax issue? | ||
| Just then say that's what it is and let's figure out how to tax it. | ||
| That's morals. | ||
| I think it's their idea of morals. | ||
| Well, the morals are ridiculous as soon as it's free. | ||
| As soon as it's free and you can do it and there's no problem whatsoever, but if you charge money for it, then all of a sudden it's a crime. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Sickening. | ||
| Because if somebody just wanted to fuck, if some crazy woman just wanted to go around town and, hey, meet me here, let's fuck, And then at 10 o'clock I'm going to meet another guy, I'm going to fuck him. | ||
| No one can say a goddamn word. | ||
| But because money's being exchanged, all of a sudden she's a criminal. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| And believe me, I'm a big fan of legalizing prostitution. | ||
| Trust me, I like it. | ||
| Well, it should be legal. | ||
| It shouldn't be mandatory, but it should be legal. | ||
| You should be able to do whatever you want to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be safer if it was legal. | |
| And I think a lot of our ideas about it... | ||
| Look, obviously, I don't want my daughters to be prostitutes. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But I think a lot of our ideas of what's so horrible about prostitution is all based on this puritanism bullshit that we've been pushing in this country from the get-go. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with being nice. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with having morals. | ||
| But when you push your own bullshit on other people... | ||
| And arrest them for giving hand jobs. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| You could rub your feet. | ||
| You could rub my feet until the cows come home. | ||
| You could rub my ass cheeks. | ||
| That's all good, but it feels too good when you rub my dick, so don't do that or it'll put you in a cage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just have to have food involved, pretty much. | |
| You have to give them a sandwich first. | ||
| I'm like, look, I gave you food. | ||
| Let's go back to my place. | ||
| What's the difference between a date and spending $100 on a date or $100 just here? | ||
|
unidentified
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Instead of eating, you can just have the money. | |
| Although you're spending money, you're spending money to try to show the woman that you're a generous person, you want to take care of her, and then the sex is a mutual thing. | ||
| The idea is just that the men should be paying for the woman because they're not worth as much, which I agree with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I agree, yeah. | ||
| Look, it's way easier for a girl to get laid than it is for a guy, so you've got to pay for dinner. | ||
| Seems like they have the upper hand, socially. | ||
| It's pretty obvious. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So pay for fucking dinner. | ||
| Until your buddy walks in with a pussy on his leg. | ||
| They win. | ||
| And even then, you gotta fucking smell your buddy's breath. | ||
| Yeah, look at the side of his dumb neck. | ||
| Yeah, you're fucking his thigh and going, what am I doing? | ||
|
unidentified
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He's squirting all over your carpet. | |
| Yeah, it's your buddy's squirt. | ||
| It's not hot at all. | ||
| You know, if your girl squirts all over your couch, it doesn't bother you. | ||
| Just throw a towel down. | ||
|
unidentified
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What if I came over and just started squirting all over you? | |
| Yeah, you could start squirting everywhere while I was fucking your leg. | ||
| Clear fluid. | ||
| What if genetic engineering leads to that? | ||
| Dudes just start putting vaginas on their elbows and banging each other's forearms. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Someone's going to offer that option. | ||
| If that option becomes available, someone's going to be the guy who gets a vagina on his thigh. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| Yeah, and his friend will fuck it at a party and all of a sudden... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We all start getting yeast infections in our legs. | |
| Did you hear that Eric Holder said today that they need to stop arresting people for petty marijuana crimes? | ||
| And crimes where there's no victims or where it's not a connection to drug cartels? | ||
| Like, it's sort of snuckling under the radar, but that's a gigantic statement from the Attorney General that they're going to basically stop this aspect of the drug war. | ||
| They want to let people out of jail. | ||
| It's like prisons are fucking overcrowded. | ||
| Like, this is two things in the last week that have been really surprising. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The Sanjay Gupta CNN thing, where he's coming out with a documentary on CNN called Weed, a year-long investigation to the positive benefits of medical marijuana and all these people that are sick and all the different things that it cures, all the different ailments that it alleviates symptoms. | ||
| And this guy is coming out and putting out this big piece on CNN.com and the special saying, I was wrong. | ||
| For years, I believed mainstream America's opinion about marijuana. | ||
| It was for a bunch of lazy slackers, and I thought that most of the medical marijuana was just people trying to get high. | ||
| But now he realizes it's not, and it's like there's massive, massive medical benefits. | ||
| I'm losing power in my dilithian crystals. | ||
|
unidentified
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I think they're getting ready. | |
| Captain! | ||
| I think they're getting ready to make it legal. | ||
| I'm losing power, Captain! | ||
| It seems like it. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| If CNN puts it on TV like that, I mean, that's pretty crazy. | ||
| And then Eric Holder saying, we need to stop arresting people for petty crimes that don't involve drug cartels and, you know, marijuana offenses. | ||
| Like, what... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Isn't that like 50% of the prison? | ||
| Because the problem is nonviolent drug offenders are a giant part of what's in the prison system and making people much more likely to continue being criminals. | ||
| Like once you start putting people in jail, that's when they're much more likely to start repeating crimes. | ||
| The idea of punishing people by putting them in jail, that scares the shit out of them. | ||
| And if they're smart, they don't do it again. | ||
| But it also introduces them to a bunch of other people that are fucking criminals. | ||
| And they all get together and they talk. | ||
| And they figure out what the fuck they're going to do together once they get out of there. | ||
| And that's a way of turning a person who just wants to sell something that should be legal into a fucking criminal. | ||
| By putting them in a cage. | ||
| And what, all of a sudden they're figuring that out? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Yeah, the government always seems to be a little behind on what... | ||
| They're always the last ones to show up and say yes to something or no. | ||
| They have to cover every angle at it. | ||
| They have to realize that you can't control it, and then they have to figure out how to make money off it. | ||
| Yeah, but this seems like a shift. | ||
| It seems like a shift in just the way they communicate about it. | ||
| I mean, these are new reforms aimed at curbing U.S. prison population. | ||
| There's a big article on The Guardian about this. | ||
| This is pretty crazy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
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The tobacco company – I can't even talk. | |
| The tobacco company probably went to the government and was like, look, we're losing shitloads of money because you're fucking all our crops up and making cigarettes so bad. | ||
| We want to get into this weed game and, you know – Maybe that's like a way for Marlboro and all these companies to keep alive. | ||
| Well, it's not just that. | ||
| It's also the projected revenue, tax revenue from legalizing marijuana is giant. | ||
| It's billions in every state. | ||
| I mean, it's the projected tax revenue. | ||
| It sounds so crazy, but it's really true. | ||
| It could fix the United States economy. | ||
| That sounds fucking nuts, but it really could. | ||
| There's so much money involved in marijuana. | ||
| And right now, it's all slipping through the cracks. | ||
| It's all going on either illegally or it's a state as a medicinal sort of a thing, and then they get eventually busted by the DEA because it's not federal. | ||
| If they ease up that, it changes our whole culture. | ||
| It's going to change everything. | ||
| And once people realize all the things you can do with marijuana that don't involve getting high, when they realize the benefits of hemp, which has been illegal forever in this fucking country, since the 1930s, as long as marijuana's been illegal, we can't grow hemp. | ||
| And the non-psychoactive form of marijuana. | ||
| So the stalks of marijuana make insanely good paper. | ||
| They make tremendous building materials that are biodegradable and last forever and are stronger than steel. | ||
| It's a nutty fucking plant. | ||
| It's got essential amino acids in it. | ||
| You can eat the protein from it. | ||
| Does it get you high or no? | ||
| Oh, it can get you high. | ||
| I mean the stalk. | ||
| The stalk doesn't, no. | ||
| The female flowers will get you high. | ||
| So what you're getting when you get hemp, you're either getting various strains, which are like, I think technically you wouldn't refer to it as a cousin, but it does get referred to as a cousin all the time, but people correct me online. | ||
| So just that caveat. | ||
| But it's essentially the male version of the plant. | ||
| And variations of the male versions of the plant. | ||
| And that doesn't have any psychoactive properties to it. | ||
| But you can make fucking ridiculously strong rope with it. | ||
| Like, it's a weird plant. | ||
| Like, you'll take a stalk of this stuff, right? | ||
| I've seen it like this thick. | ||
| It's light like styrofoam, but hard as a fucking rock. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's a weird fucking plant. | ||
| It's like no plant that exists on Earth. | ||
| It's really almost like it's an alien. | ||
| It's such a strange plant. | ||
| And it's so beneficial to humankind. | ||
| The fact that it's illegal is just outside of the psychoactive effects. | ||
| If it had no effect on the human body whatsoever, just for its ability to use it in building materials, the ability to make clothes and paper and oil. | ||
| Henry Ford's first fucking car had hemp. | ||
| All of the body panels were made out of hemp. | ||
| And it ran on hemp. | ||
| Like he would make oil from hemp and run engines on it. | ||
| I mean, you can do so much shit with it. | ||
| It's almost a joke. | ||
| Like, if you look at all the different things you can do with it, how could it be legal? | ||
| How could it be illegal, rather? | ||
| You wonder why there are certain things... | ||
| Like, I wonder why we can't go to Cuba. | ||
| There are certain things the government does that it's like, at a point, it's like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Like, after a while, it's like, enough is enough of these little things. | ||
| Like, why can't I do that? | ||
| I'm not a baby. | ||
| We're not babies. | ||
| And I think that's what these things are realizing. | ||
| There's a push by the American people and there's a transparency that the American people are demanding. | ||
| And under the weight of things like Edward Snowden and Bradley Manning, all these documents that are getting released where people are seeing the actual inner workings of the government, they have to make some radical reform if they want to keep a hold of us. | ||
| Because there's a lot of people that are upset right now. | ||
| Finding out about the NSA watching every single American as if we're all bad. | ||
| How about all of us who do... | ||
| Can it be like the TSA? Can I get a TSA pre where you know that I'm not a fucking terrorist so you stop reading my email, dickwad? | ||
| Can we make that deal? | ||
| I have mixed feelings about the NSA. A part of me loves that they did that. | ||
| Because the American people have become such... | ||
| What bothers me about Americans is we've become such nosy pigs into each other's lives. | ||
| And there's nothing an American loves more than violating the privacy of somebody else. | ||
| True. | ||
| Nothing we love more. | ||
| And now all of a sudden, we don't like it. | ||
| Because someone's invading our privacy. | ||
| I get the difference of what the government is doing. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| But I mean, on just the principle of it, where were all these fucking people, and I've said this before, crying about privacy when they couldn't get enough of Mel Gibson's private voicemails or Alec Baldwin's phone calls or Tiger Woods' private texts? | ||
| Now, I understand we look at them as entertainment value. | ||
| The people also are comfortable seeing those things and making judgments and treating people a certain way because of them. | ||
| So they didn't give a fuck that anybody else's privacy was violated. | ||
| However, their privacy is sacred. | ||
| So I kind of like Google Glass, and I like this. | ||
| It evens the playing field. | ||
| Just, you know, like fucking Petraeus. | ||
| The head of the CIA couldn't fuck some chick on the side when he's married to Michael Moore. | ||
| How depressing is that? | ||
| And no one gets away with anything anymore. | ||
| So I wish the American people would stop being so nosy and minding everyone's business but their own and I would completely be against the NSA. But until that happens, fuck them. | ||
| I love the fact that their privacy is being violated too and they can see how it feels. | ||
| Wow, that's an angry Jimmy Norton. | ||
| Not even angry, just tired of the... | ||
| I'm not even mad about it. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| I agree with you to a certain extent. | ||
| That self-righteousness that people have Like with Paula Deen, they're comfortable allowing her to be lynched publicly and no one is stepping up and going, you know what, I've said some shitty things. | ||
| No one expresses that honesty in themselves and gives each other breaks on inappropriate things that we say. | ||
| We're allowing moments to define who people are. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And we all have the moments! | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's nuts! | ||
| And we might not have the moments to that varying... | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| ...that degree of fucked-up-itude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She did a lot of... | ||
| I don't know what Paula Deen actually did, but if you listen to the people that work with her, she sounds like she was a funny, racist, all-white lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I wouldn't... | ||
| I wouldn't want to even guess what it would be like to be a black guy working for her and hearing that shit come out of her mouth. | ||
| Did she say it worked though? | ||
| I don't know if she did or not. | ||
| Supposedly? | ||
| Allegedly? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| I mean, that's what I read. | ||
| That's what people are accusing her of. | ||
| Unless you're there, who knows? | ||
| And you're also dealing with disgruntled employees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wins. | |
| Paula Deen wins. | ||
| The racial suit that destroyed her. | ||
| How does she win? | ||
|
unidentified
|
See her black friend that she hangs out with? | |
| Oh, she's got black friends now. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| Big black guy with a hat. | ||
| She's probably got a fucking snake for a cock. | ||
| What is the judgment? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| It says that the original lawsuit, a judge ruled that Lisa Jackson had no right to claim racial discrimination because she's white. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Any comments that Dean or her cohorts may have had had no legal consequence to her. | |
| Oh, so she tried to claim racial discrimination. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she was white. | ||
| She was just trying to get paid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, what a dirty cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, so... | |
| But she destroyed Paula Deen's... | ||
| Pretty much Paula Deen's... | ||
| Yeah, nah. | ||
| She'll be fine. | ||
| She's ruined. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| It's over? | ||
| Because, again, no one... | ||
| You see Matt Lauer, that fucking jizz bag, that sanctimonious interview he did with her? | ||
| Yeah, that wasn't nice. | ||
| But he couldn't... | ||
| Where was one ounce of honesty in this guy? | ||
| Maybe you've never said that word, but are you going to tell me you've never in your life, under oath, you could say you've never said a racially insensitive thing? | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| Yeah, I think he's got a problem. | ||
| And his problem is that he's a talking head on television who's not allowed to have anything even remotely controversial to come out of his mouth. | ||
| And he's also terrified because he's in that box. | ||
| So for him to try to... | ||
| First of all, you can't do that in a little conversation. | ||
| If you're going to have a conversation with that woman about the world, about racism... | ||
| You're going to have to sit down with her like this. | ||
| You're going to have to podcast with Paula Deen. | ||
| Have a three-hour conversation with her. | ||
| Find out who are you. | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| And you'll know by the end of three hours whether or not she's full of shit. | ||
| You will. | ||
| You'll know. | ||
| Everyone will be able to... | ||
| You can bullshit your way through a five-minute conversation on The Tonight Show. | ||
| You can't bullshit your way through three hours. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| And I think this is an issue that really needed to be addressed like that. | ||
| You can't, like, have a quick Matt Lauer interview with this scared lady, and a scared old lady that has fucking death threats coming in from black people all day, I'm sure. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, you can't be a white person in 2013 calling people niggers. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| The phony outrage, and it's not even from black people who get annoyed. | ||
| What I've grown to hate is other white people because... | ||
| Patrice said it. | ||
| Patrice said it best. | ||
| He goes, I've never met a racist. | ||
| Not one person I've ever met has ever admitted they were racist. | ||
| And what I hate about these fucking, these white people whose idea of combating racism is just targeting other white people who have said something inappropriate is simply their way of deflecting attention from themselves and their own, I think they have superiority complexes. | ||
| And I think, like, I can't walk up to my black friends and tell them, hey, I'm not a racist. | ||
| But if Paula Deen acts like one, then I can use her to mirror how good I am. | ||
| It's a self-serving proposition. | ||
| And I hate it, and I don't buy it. | ||
| I just don't buy it, man. | ||
| Yeah, I agree with you that there's a lot of people that love to do that moral high ground thing. | ||
| They love, by not, by telling you that you're doing something wrong, they're not just telling you that you're doing something wrong, they're telling you that they're awesome. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's a big thing. | ||
| And it's in their tone. | ||
| And it's in their lack of self-revealing they do in these moments and in these discussions. | ||
| If they revealed ugliness about themselves, I would have respect for them. | ||
| Like, why am I comfortable talking about Pat O'Brien's dirty voicemails or Tiger Woods' dirty text messages? | ||
| Because I talk about my own. | ||
| Like, I'll make fun of his, but I'll tell you that I also have texted my cock to many people. | ||
| I'm a piece of shit. | ||
| So I'm not coming from... | ||
| I'm not better than him. | ||
| And I refuse to come off like that. | ||
| Yeah, there's a real problem with people thinking that you need to be better than people, too. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| And especially pretending. | ||
| That shit never works. | ||
| Claiming the moral high ground and becoming the super white knight and pretending that you're there to defend all women... | ||
| This shit doesn't work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It never works. | ||
| The type of women you get from faking that shit, I mean, you might really be that guy, and if you are, God bless you. | ||
| But if you're faking it, who are you going to trick? | ||
| One average girl with glasses and a stupid tattoo with words on her arm. | ||
| Fucking boo. | ||
| Rotten fuck. | ||
| Stupid baggy jeans. | ||
| Yeah, you're not going to get much out of it. | ||
| Have you ever banged a feminist? | ||
| I'm sure I have. | ||
| I like strong women a lot. | ||
| I am strong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am invincible. | |
| Yes, I like that type of woman a lot. | ||
| A lot of them are sexual submissives. | ||
| Lawyers that I've fucked have been sexual submissive female cops because they're very strong. | ||
| They like something different. | ||
| Not all, I'm sure. | ||
| But I have nothing against a feminist. | ||
| If she's reasonable and she's fighting for women to get what they deserve, I'm for it. | ||
| When they language police and they nitpick because their cause is not as needed as it was 20 years ago, then I hate their guts like any other special interest group. | ||
| But when they're fighting for what's right and legitimately getting the right amount of money... | ||
| I don't think women should be sexually harassed at work. | ||
| These guys are like this fucking cocksucker in San Diego who's grabbing women and being a complete piece of shit and saying he didn't know. | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| One of those women's husbands should fucking hit this guy with an axe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It would be hard to imagine your wife being at work with some lech all day who's constantly harassing her and bothering her and brushes her cock by her when he walks by her in the hall. | ||
| That kind of shit, that happens to people at work. | ||
| People go, look, I was just walking by. | ||
| People are always being cunts. | ||
| But that's a cunt. | ||
| It doesn't matter if he's a man or a woman. | ||
| You know, I think the idea of feminism is a good idea. | ||
| As the idea of masculinism, that's a good idea, too. | ||
| I don't think it's a real word, but if it was a real word, it'd be a good idea. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with you being allowed to be you. | ||
| And me being allowed to be me. | ||
| And we're gonna be fucking different. | ||
| That's why the world varies so much. | ||
| That's why movies vary and music varies and stand-up comedy varies. | ||
| There's people that like all kinds of different shit, but a lot of men don't want women to be women. | ||
| And a lot of women don't want men to be men. | ||
| They want them to be what they want them to be. | ||
| And when you have some asshole who wants you to be a certain way and you have to work for that dick and you're a woman, that's a special place in hell. | ||
| I mean, that's a fucking horrible place in hell. | ||
| But it has nothing to do with this. | ||
| It's not a sex thing. | ||
| It's not an all-gender thing. | ||
| It's that that guy's a piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he is a piece of shit. | |
| You just found a piece of shit. | ||
| It just happens to be a man. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| If you're a man and you have a cunt boss and your boss is a woman and she's a fucking asshole, I have a friend who has a woman boss. | ||
| He actually just left his gig. | ||
| But he had this woman boss who brutalized him. | ||
| Just wouldn't leave him alone. | ||
| It was just like giving him cancer. | ||
| It was just like rotting at him, like all day, every day, with someone who you couldn't talk back to, who was just fucking with you, and pestering you, and berating you, and insulting you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. | ||
| Not a damn thing you can do about it. | ||
| She was talking to him in a way that a regular man, like a man in the street that you didn't owe anything to, would never talk to you unless he was ready to fight. | ||
| But she would just get in his face and point at him and say crazy shit to him. | ||
| There's nothing he could do. | ||
| No, and there's nothing he could do, and that's why she was doing it, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, she would ask him if he was stupid. | ||
| Are you stupid? | ||
| Are you stupid? | ||
| And like, wow, I have to listen to this. | ||
| There's nothing you can do about it. | ||
| You're just stuck. | ||
| That shouldn't be right. | ||
| And it shouldn't be right for any human being to do that to another human being. | ||
| He should have said stupid is as stupid does and then given her a cocky look. | ||
| So in that sense, yeah, I'm a feminist in a lot of ways. | ||
| I'm a masculinist. | ||
| I'm a humanist. | ||
| I think we should be able to do whatever we want. | ||
| The problem is when you start looking out for your own, when you start looking out for a gender, a generalization, you start going towards one gender only, emphasizing that one gender's inadequacies, In our society, the problem is you become a gang, and you become part of a team. | ||
| Right, but the thing is, what I hate about people so much is they say, because they're not consistent. | ||
| Like, I don't, everything should be the same, and I don't want, nothing should be different, unless you're talking about diversity, then it's good. | ||
| I don't like any kind of profiling, it's wrong, unless, of course, it's an ethnic pride parade. | ||
| Then we can all profile and it's a delightful idea. | ||
| I'd be proud to be Irish. | ||
| So people only want grand, sweeping generalizations when they're a part of a good, grand, sweeping generalization. | ||
| It's funny, I go through our TSA security and they're now saying anybody under 12 or over 75 does not have to take your shoes off. | ||
| And I have not heard one person complaining about age discrimination. | ||
| I'm over 75. Why am I not being treated the same as these other people? | ||
| I have not heard one fucking parent saying, my kid's under 12. Why aren't you treating them like everybody else? | ||
| It's only when we're treated in a manner that we don't approve of that we take this principle of, hey, don't treat me differently. | ||
| It's arbitrary and it's bullshit. | ||
| So that's why you can't respect any of it. | ||
| It makes me crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a big fan of groups. | ||
| I'm really not a big fan of groups that focus on one gender. | ||
| I'm not a big fan of generalizations. | ||
| I'm not a big fan of a lot of things. | ||
| I'm certainly not a big fan of anything where anyone who is the weaker is getting bullied, whether it's a physical, whether it's a sexual thing or a physical thing or a man bugging a woman. | ||
| I have a sister. | ||
| I have daughters. | ||
| I have a wife. | ||
| I 100% know it's way more difficult to be a woman than it is to be a man in a physical sense. | ||
| And I think there should be laws about that shit. | ||
| Abso-fucking-lutely. | ||
| I think that men who do abuse women or who do sexually harass them, they're fucking creepy people, man. | ||
| They are creepy. | ||
| But so are women who do it to men. | ||
| And the idea that that's not the case, the idea that a situation where a man who gets taken by a woman in a divorce in some fucking horrible way, where, you know, you find, I mean, I could go into this for days, but I'm sure we all know guys who've just been raped in divorce. | ||
| Some of us do radio with him every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just crushed. | |
| Yeah, Anthony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got murdered. | |
| I know a guy who lost millions. | ||
| My favorite story, I even talked about him on my act. | ||
| He had to pay for his wife's attorney. | ||
| And his wife dragged the thing out for years. | ||
| So he was paying for the enemy's general. | ||
| So he's going to war for all of his money, and it wound up costing him everything. | ||
| I mean, it was just a devastating several-year event. | ||
| That she was doing it on purpose to try to drag it out, to try to milk him. | ||
| When you see shit like that, you think, okay, men should have rights too. | ||
| Yes, absolutely, he's not in a sense, it's not the same thing as him being raped. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But he's being financially destroyed. | ||
| And someone's doing it in a spiteful way. | ||
| And they're doing it because they just grew to hate him or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| But there should be a law against that. | ||
| Like, they didn't even have children. | ||
| Like, it was one of the craziest things I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| When you find out what happens if a man and a woman are together... | ||
| For X amount of years, then he has to pay for her for the rest of her life. | ||
| Yeah, but he doesn't get to fuck her. | ||
| That's the beautiful part. | ||
| She's like, well, I have a lifestyle. | ||
| He's like, well, I was used to getting blown and having your ass on my face. | ||
| How about that, what we're used to? | ||
| You remember Chris Rock's bit about that? | ||
| About alimony and pussy payments? | ||
| Yeah, he had a whole book about it. | ||
| Like, I believe in alimony, but I also believe in pussy payments. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's all sorts of inequality in this world, both projected towards women and projected towards men. | ||
| And there's all sorts of assholes in the world, both women and men. | ||
| There's just assholes. | ||
| And that's our real problem in this life. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| Lumping ourselves into groups and generalizing that all women are good and all men are bad or vice versa. | ||
| That's crazy too. | ||
| What's important is recognizing that there's really only three types of people in the world. | ||
| Morons, assholes, and people that are alright. | ||
| You might not agree with them. | ||
| You might not like them. | ||
| They might not be your style. | ||
| They might be different. | ||
| Morons, assholes, and people that are alright. | ||
| That's really all there is in this world. | ||
| We're also paying for the sins of a lot of other people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Like for centuries. | ||
| White American men dominated everything in this country. | ||
| There's also a reality of... | ||
| A lot of people were treated like garbage for a long time, and a lot of promises were broken. | ||
| And there's a reality to that that's not excuse-making. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| And then they say, well, you know, white people have benefited from that system. | ||
| So what's happening is in an effort to balance the fucking playing field a little bit, a lot of us today are being treated unfairly because the balancing act is making things go so far. | ||
| I do understand that. | ||
| That's why... | ||
| I had a conversation after Tasha's... | ||
| Oh, Tracy's gay jokes. | ||
| For folks who don't know, Tracy Morgan did a joke about if his son was gay, he would stab him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everybody went crazy. | ||
| And I had a couple gay comics on, Rick Crome and Jim David, and we talked about this on this comedy special I did. | ||
| And as comedians, I asked him, how do they feel about the imbalance in the language? | ||
| Like the fact that you get in trouble for that now. | ||
| And Jim Davis said, I'm okay with it. | ||
| And I'm like, well, how are you okay with it as a comic? | ||
| And he goes, because it's not a level playing field. | ||
| Meaning, what he thought was like, in life, gay people are not treated as well. | ||
| So he didn't give a shit if that guy got in a little bit more trouble. | ||
| And I kind of, I heard what he said there. | ||
| Like, even though I don't want to get in trouble for it, in that sense, he was right. | ||
| It's like, you know... | ||
| We still have a big segment of our country that can't get married and they're treated like second-class citizens, but yet we go around and tell other countries how to live their lives. | ||
| We're so full of shit, it makes me nuts! | ||
| Well, I think there's a real legitimate argument in the idea that until it balances out, until everyone completely relaxes on discrimination towards gays, like, there's no discrimination on bachelors anymore. | ||
| You know, like if a man is a 50-year-old man, he says, I'm just not getting married again. | ||
| There's no discrimination or social pariah. | ||
| But if he decides to marry a man, then it is. | ||
| Like, well, what is that? | ||
| And why is that not eradicated from our culture yet? | ||
| Well, once that is eradicated from our culture... | ||
| Then I think people are going to be much more likely to accept gay jokes. | ||
| Because I keep hearing that gay jokes are homophobic. | ||
| And I'm like, guess what? | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| It's not homophobic at all. | ||
| It's a gay joke. | ||
| Just like jokes about straight sex aren't heterophobic. | ||
| They're jokes about sex. | ||
| And there's jokes about everything. | ||
| And it's really about context. | ||
| It's not about the subject matter. | ||
| And you can't eliminate certain subject matters. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| Because the human language is very nuanced. | ||
| There's a lot of shit going on. | ||
| And every single interaction that you have, where humor could potentially be crafted from it, can be taken in a whole wide variety of different ways. | ||
| And I like all those ways. | ||
| I like people saying fucked up shit they don't really mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| I think there's something funny in Tracy Morgan saying, if I find out my son was gay, I'll stab that little nigga. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's over the top. | |
| It's ludicrous, right. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| Of course he wouldn't do that. | ||
| Of course it would be, you know. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| The idea that it's like, I do a joke in my act, like, guess what? | ||
| Johnny Cash didn't really shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die, either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| I don't think he did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| He might have. | ||
| More likely that he did it than Tracy Morgan would stab his son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's stupid. | ||
| Johnny Cash probably should have said, I took some pills and fell asleep on the tour bus. | ||
| That'd probably be more accurate. | ||
| But I get where gay people are coming from, too, though, because it's not a level playing field. | ||
| So when you see, like, all this, like, it's almost like shitting on people when they're down. | ||
| Like, here's a perfect example. | ||
| Like, um... | ||
| This Opie thing that's going on. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| With this, if you don't know, Opie, many years ago, stomped on this homeless guy's cake, and he thought it would be cute to put it online. | ||
| And people are so fucking mad at him, because it's a really douchey thing to do. | ||
| It's been online for years, though. | ||
| He just retweeted it, I think. | ||
| But it's been up for seven years. | ||
| But the fact that he... | ||
| Well, what people didn't like is people have a sense of humanity. | ||
| And they look at this guy, and he's a homeless guy. | ||
| He's fucking down and out. | ||
| And here's this millionaire radio DJ who thinks it's funny to stomp on his cake. | ||
| Like, you know what I mean? | ||
| In that context. | ||
| And that's something that, unfortunately... | ||
| We would do a walkover from K-Rock every day, which you did with us, and that guy was Andrew, and he was the guy we saw every day. | ||
| He was the guy we talked to, we had on the air, we gave money to him, we would give him food. | ||
| We had a really good relationship with this guy. | ||
| I think that's why he was offering cake, because we had stopped by so many times and handed him food. | ||
| He had some cake. | ||
| And Ope did a dick thing, but it was just, it was literally just to make everybody laugh. | ||
| It wasn't to dehumanize this guy or to degrade him. | ||
| It was something he would have done to anybody else that he knew. | ||
| And I know that that made people go, well, too bad. | ||
| But the reality was, the context of that relationship with Andrew the homeless guy was not some, hey, bum, here's some money. | ||
| We can do what we want. | ||
| It didn't feel like that. | ||
| It didn't come off like that to any of us. | ||
| Yeah, but he got really depressed after Opie stomped on his cake. | ||
| Yeah, but he had just started drinking again, too. | ||
| We were trying to get him sober. | ||
| That's a good way to do it. | ||
| Step on his cake. | ||
| Well, you know, it was a piece of shit cake anyway. | ||
| It was a fucking... | ||
| It was another garbage. | ||
| I see you're supporting Opie, and I'm friends with Opie, too. | ||
| I'm supporting Opie only because I was there through that entire walkover with Andrew, and I saw him 50 times before and after that. | ||
| So, in context. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would have been fucking... | ||
| It was cringey, and I was like, oh, God. | ||
| Did he give him anything after he stomped on his cake? | ||
| Did he give him any money? | ||
| Of course he did. | ||
| We gave him like $100. | ||
| And then people were going, that wasn't good enough. | ||
| They're like, this is what I'm saying. | ||
| They're like, oh, you could dehumanize him and give him $100? | ||
| But it wasn't looked at like nobody felt like, wow, he dehumanized this guy. | ||
| Because he was somebody we talked to all the time and had great interactions with. | ||
| So that's why it didn't feel... | ||
| I understand people seeing it though and going, what the fuck is going on, you piece of shit? | ||
| I get seeing a one and a half minute clip. | ||
| Maybe I would feel the same way if I didn't have the luxury of having been there throughout that entire time. | ||
| See, here's a perfect example. | ||
| If that homeless guy was getting in an argument with another homeless guy and the homeless guy jumped on his cake, then it would be okay. | ||
| Because there's one homeless guy getting over on another homeless guy and stomping on his cake. | ||
| But when a millionaire DJ guy does it... | ||
| Look, I know what he was doing, and I know what that audience is like. | ||
| When you guys are... | ||
| Opie and Anthony is my favorite show ever to do, because it's such a hang, and everybody's making everybody else laugh. | ||
| And it's like what we were talking about before the show today. | ||
| It's like, what's okay for you and I... To talk about in our jobs as stand-up comedians, for most people, those same words and thoughts would get you fired. | ||
| It would get you kicked out of the office. | ||
| You'd get written up. | ||
| You'd get sued. | ||
| You can't have that sort of mentality. | ||
| But for us, it's so normal. | ||
| So when you're hanging out with Opie, And Anthony Cumia and you guys are just talking mad shit and you're on the air as you're walking across the street and you're just trying to make each other laugh. | ||
| And one of the things that people do when they try to make each other laugh is they cross the line. | ||
| They completely, brutally cross the line. | ||
| And that's the way to do that there. | ||
| You brutally cross the line, you gotta jump on the homeless guy's cake! | ||
| And Opie, you know, in doing that, it sounds like a cop-out on my part because he's my friend, and I would never have done what he did, but I know what his motivation was. | ||
| Exactly, and our audience will accept a lot, but honestly, there is a humanity to them. | ||
| Like, that homeless shopping spree we would do, the homeless guys would never mistreat. | ||
| Like, literally, they would treat like rock stars. | ||
| They would go to the mall. | ||
| Thousands of people would be cheering them, buying them shit. | ||
| There are people we had gotten to know. | ||
| So it was like the people would mention, oh, then they would do this homeless shopping spree. | ||
| It's like they weren't... | ||
| It didn't feel like, oh my god. | ||
| It felt like a fucked up thing to do. | ||
| But it didn't feel as literal as, oh my god, he's a millionaire stepping on the food of a homeless man. | ||
| Because I don't think that was the intent behind it other than just being a dick in that moment to a guy who he knew we had given food and money to and we were going to give money to the... | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| He knew it was just a momentary dick thing to do. | ||
| To make us laugh. | ||
| To be silly. | ||
| Not to humiliate Andrew. | ||
| Nobody wanted to humiliate the guy. | ||
| The problem is when you see things out of context, it's like you were talking about earlier about Paula Deen. | ||
| You don't know the entirety of a person when you see one event. | ||
| Ope's a great guy. | ||
| We had him on the podcast. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| And I always credit you guys with being one of the reasons why I wanted to get into podcasting in the first place. | ||
| It was because of doing your show. | ||
| Because your show was the only show that I'd ever done where there was no rigid set of this is this now, and then we're going to go to the wacky five at five, and then there's Bob on the chopper. | ||
| There was nothing. | ||
| It was a hang. | ||
| It was a complete total hang. | ||
| Every time I've ever done it, whether it's with Burr or with... | ||
| I mean, fucking, how many times have I done it? | ||
| I've done it so many times with so many different comics, with Rich, or with... | ||
| I've never got to do it with Patrice. | ||
| The only thing I did with Patrice was when we did that thing in Vegas together, which was a lot of fun, too. | ||
| Oh, wow, yeah. | ||
| That's how I got to hang with Patrice. | ||
| That's the only time I really got to hang with him, outside of seeing him early on in the day, when I didn't even know him. | ||
| He was one of my favorite people. | ||
| Even though he was very dominating and no one could out-yap Patrice loudness... | ||
| But he was so much fun to do radio with. | ||
| He was one of my favorite guys ever because to make him... | ||
| If you made him laugh, you knew you were funny. | ||
| He didn't give it to people for no reason. | ||
| He didn't give pity bullshit. | ||
| He was just too unconcerned with hurting people's feelings to do that. | ||
| He didn't care. | ||
| One of my favorite things with him is I convinced him that Face Off was a shitty movie. | ||
| And that's one of my favorite moments. | ||
| It happened at K-Rock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
John Travolta and Nick Cage. | |
| Who, he was arguing against that? | ||
| He loved it. | ||
| He loved it. | ||
| And I fucking convinced him. | ||
| But it was a fun, friendly, to watch him go like, oh, oh, like to see him give in. | ||
| It was one of my favorite moments of all time in that, just to see this, because he was such a giant of a guy intellectually. | ||
| The greatest mistake people could make with Patrice was to think, ah, he's a big, loud black guy. | ||
| Patrice was a brilliant motherfucker and could out-talk almost anybody and could out-logic almost. | ||
| So when you had moments like that, it was friendly. | ||
| It wasn't like an aggressive argument. | ||
| You're like, ah, that just was one of the most satisfying moments of my career. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's the opportunity to be around fun people like that, the rare human beings that you don't necessarily come across. | ||
| If you have a regular job, if you're working as an insurance salesman, how many Patrice O'Neill's do you come across in your life that you get to hang out with for hours? | ||
| No, just probably calling because they're late on their payments. | ||
| Quite a few, I think. | ||
| One more thing, by the way, before I forget, I wanted to say about Opie, too, about Homeless. | ||
| He's the one, not that it matters, but he's the guy that pushed Homeless Mustard through, Daniel Mustard, and tried to get him a recording contract and really tried to take care of the guy. | ||
| That's that guy who sang that song, Creep? | ||
| Creep. | ||
| That guy's really talented. | ||
| He is talented. | ||
| But it's like... | ||
| And Opie took a real concern with him and his sobriety. | ||
| And again, I'm not saying people don't... | ||
| I'm not trying to say don't be mad. | ||
| Be mad. | ||
| But again, don't think you understand the totality of a guy because he did one silly thing in a different context to make his radio guys and some fans laugh. | ||
| You're so good at breaking shit down, dude. | ||
| You said that. | ||
| There was not a hint of bias there. | ||
| You were being completely honest about it. | ||
| That's... | ||
| I really value that in the way you talk. | ||
| And that's why I was really happy... | ||
| When I watched that Kamau Bell show. | ||
| M. Kamau Bell. | ||
| Totally biased. | ||
| Kamau Bell, yeah. | ||
| W. Kamau Bell. | ||
| W. Kamau Bell. | ||
| You and Lindy West, who's a feminist blogger for Jezebel, which is a feminist blogger. | ||
| Website. | ||
| And what I loved about it, man, was first of all, you never got upset. | ||
| You were rational and logical, and you were talking about it in a very measured way, and you're being really friendly while you're discussing this. | ||
| And, you know, in her defense, it's a very tricky subject to breach for a woman, and she was saying a lot of shit like comedy clubs are filled with rooms filled with angry men, and you didn't even flinch. | ||
| You didn't go after her. | ||
| She had these digs about, like, you're allowed to joke about it, but I'm allowed to tell you you're a dick. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't think it personally. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The blog wasn't about me. | ||
| It was about any guy making a dick joke. | ||
| Or a rape joke. | ||
| Or certain rape jokes. | ||
| And this is the tricky part of Lindy West, because a lot of people would say, she's for censorship, but she really wasn't. | ||
| She was about, she didn't like the jokes that she thought minimalized the victim in a rape. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now, it's hard to logically say, well, yeah, minimalizing the victim of rape is a good thing. | ||
| But what people forget, they went after Sam Murrell. | ||
| A lot of jokes are just misdirectional. | ||
|
unidentified
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Who's Sam Murrell? | |
| He's a comedian in New York who had done some domestic violence jokes or whatever. | ||
| But in a misdirection joke... | ||
| You go for the most obvious or opposite thing. | ||
| That people are going to expect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes, like I did one joke, and this didn't come up in that show, but I was talking about seeing it a girl. | ||
| Now, I don't know if she had a good time or was raped in a porta potty. | ||
| I'm not going to go through the whole joke before, but it was at a concert, an outdoor concert. | ||
| So the two most opposite things I could think of... | ||
| If I said I didn't know if she had a good time or not a very good time, who gives a shit? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Raped in a port-a-potty... | ||
| You're painting a picture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I said I didn't know if she was beaten in a port-a-potty or raped in a port-a-potty, nobody would have laughed because they're too close. | ||
| So the fact... | ||
| I mean, I'm explaining this to the audience, not to you. | ||
| Yes, right. | ||
| The fact that you take two things that are such polar opposites... | ||
| Sometimes the polar opposite you land on for the joke is a horrible thing that minimalizes the victim. | ||
| And every Catholic priest joke is somehow minimalizing the victim. | ||
| Comedy does that, and I don't believe that it has to just be speaking truth to power. | ||
| I think that's part of it. | ||
| But I think that as long as your intention is genuinely to be funny and not to humiliate a person for real, I think it's allowable, and it has to be, because it gets to be too subjective after that. | ||
| Well, it's an art form. | ||
| And if you don't like that art form, I completely and totally understand that. | ||
| You don't have to participate in the shows. | ||
| You don't have to go. | ||
| But when you're being hypercritical about it and trying to get people to stop doing it, you're going to make it so that that art form is not available. | ||
| The really fucked up thing that you don't mean art form is not available. | ||
| Just like rap music. | ||
| What is going on in rap music? | ||
| Are they really running around killing people and selling cocaine every day? | ||
| No, most of what they're doing is talking shit about something. | ||
| It's no different than the movie Scarface. | ||
| Nobody really died in that movie. | ||
| You're painting a picture. | ||
| It's a gross, horrific picture. | ||
| But some people like that. | ||
| They like to watch Scarface. | ||
| They like to listen to rap music. | ||
| They want to hear a dirty comic say horrendous, inappropriate things that are fucked up. | ||
| One of my favorites is Otto. | ||
| Otto and George. | ||
| He would say some of the most fucked up, ridiculous, over-the-top shit. | ||
| But the reason why he did it is because that's what chocks the shit out of you and makes you laugh when you least expect it. | ||
| And it was well-crafted on top of that. | ||
| He made me laugh harder than anybody's ever made me laugh in a club we were doing in a pizzeria in Pennsylvania. | ||
| And he said something. | ||
| It was barbarism. | ||
| And it made me... | ||
| Because the imagery was such poetry that he flew off the top with. | ||
| And it was awful. | ||
| Have I ever told you this story? | ||
| No. | ||
| If I say it now, it's not going to be the greatest joke. | ||
| But the beauty of it... | ||
| We were in a pizzeria. | ||
| It was an awful gig. | ||
| And it was like real pizzeria bench seats. | ||
| It stunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And there was a bar next to it and I'm watching it. | ||
| I was just up there fucking struggling and hating it. | ||
| And in the middle of this dirty act, the booker's girlfriend walks down the aisle with her seven-year-old son, which was so inappropriate. | ||
| And everybody looked and it just derails the show. | ||
| And Otto just said, you know, because everyone looked at this, so the fucking puppet addressed it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And said, isn't that cute? | ||
| I'd like to grab him by the ankles and smash his skull onto a fucking sink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was a Caligula reference to the end of Caligula. | |
| And it made me – the speed at which he put those words together and the violence attached to that and the imagery of that, I've never laughed hard at anything anybody's ever said in a comedy club because I knew what had just happened. | ||
| I immediately saw the end of Caligula where they grabbed the ankles and they smashed the fucking head into the steps. | ||
| And I'm like, the genius to pull that out in this moment and word it that quickly. | ||
| It was beauty. | ||
| It was beauty, but it was a horrible thing. | ||
| And nobody laughed! | ||
| Of course they didn't! | ||
| This is a Philly pizzeria. | ||
| Nobody understood how funny that was. | ||
| Because if he had just said that and I hadn't seen Caligula, I might not have laughed as hard, but the fact that I immediately saw what he did with it, I wanted to hug him for that. | ||
| I'm like, you brilliant, brilliant guy. | ||
| He's a brilliant fuck, man. | ||
| He's a very funny guy. | ||
| And his style of comedy, much like Dice's style of comedy, is ridiculous, over-the-top, things they don't really mean. | ||
| Like, Dice has some bit about how a woman gets pregnant, and it's one of the most hilarious, ridiculous bits, because it goes into, like, this medical, or how you can make a gay kid. | ||
| Like, how, you know, like... | ||
| It's so fucking ridiculous! | ||
| It's idiocy! | ||
| It's completely, but it's hilarious. | ||
| And for people to say that that's a homophobic joke or that's like... | ||
| He doesn't mean a word he's saying. | ||
| Do you understand that this is like an art piece that you're watching? | ||
| This is just a ridiculous, over-the-top art piece. | ||
| And for you to say that it's not... | ||
| For you to say that I shouldn't be enjoying it... | ||
| Well, then we have to go with a fine-tooth comb over virtually all of pop culture. | ||
| Every song. | ||
| We have to find out what the true meaning behind movies are. | ||
| What's the implication on society? | ||
| Because it can't just be humor. | ||
| It's a dumb way of looking at it because you know it's a joke. | ||
| If it's a stand-up comedy show, you know it's a fucking joke! | ||
| At least in that sense, there's no excuse. | ||
| With a rap music, with a rap song, like, no, it's not a joke. | ||
| Maybe he's being serious. | ||
| With a movie, maybe they're trying to promote that lifestyle. | ||
| Maybe that's real. | ||
| It's a stand-up comedy show. | ||
| The only reason why people are laughing is because it's a joke. | ||
| Well, people do know that, but it's unfunny people attempting to influence. | ||
| It's just people trying to influence what you say. | ||
| It's like the same mentality. | ||
| And I don't mean individually. | ||
| Like, let's just say the same mentality. | ||
| That would target dice or that would say you should get in trouble for a gay joke are the exact same people who would stand up and defend Mapplethorpe. | ||
| They're the same people who would defend Piss Christ and say that the National Endowment of the Arts should have paid for Piss Christ because who cares? | ||
| Tell people what that is. | ||
| The NEA, I think, paid for it. | ||
| It was an artist who pissed into a jar and he put a crucifix in it and he called it Piss Christ. | ||
| Now, I don't think that that's particularly clever, but it doesn't offend me on any level. | ||
| And here's more inconsistency. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought it was... | |
| Clever. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it was, you know, look, I wouldn't mind if, I wish I would have thought of that. | ||
| I mean, I just, I couldn't fill a jar with my piss. | ||
| It would have been like, you know. | ||
| Took weeks. | ||
| Yeah, it really would. | ||
| It's a big jar, too. | ||
| It's very impressive. | ||
| Yeah, it's a very, it's a two kegger. | ||
| But the fact that they support that, and they're the same people. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, that comic is insensitive, and he's saying something racially insensitive or gender insensitive, and he should be attacked. | ||
| It's inconsistent, so you can't fucking respect it. | ||
| You can't acknowledge any of it with respect. | ||
| People have to leave room for art, and that sounds ridiculous when you're talking about dick jokes. | ||
| Or any kind of jokes. | ||
| But you have to leave room for art, because that's what it is. | ||
| It's just an art. | ||
| And if you don't appreciate that style of art, it's no different than you deciding to go to a Metallica show and not liking the lyrics. | ||
| If you don't like it, you don't have to like it. | ||
| Jody Mitchell's playing down the block. | ||
| Go see that. | ||
| Go see Sheryl Crow or go see Dave Matthews. | ||
| There's a lot of variety out there. | ||
| But at the end of the day, it's something that someone creates. | ||
| And when Otto says, you know, I'd like to pick him up by his fucking ankles and slam his head into a sink, and you're laughing, that means he delivered art to the person who likes that art. | ||
| And I feel the same way when I see, like when I saw Dice, or when I saw you in Austin, same feeling. | ||
| I enjoy ridiculous, over-the-top humor. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things to watch. | ||
| So when someone comes along and says, you can't do jokes about violence against children because it's fucked up, yes you can. | ||
| Yes you can. | ||
| You can. | ||
| Even if your kid had been killed. | ||
| Well, unfortunately for you, this one hit home. | ||
| And it's not fun to you. | ||
| But everybody else who doesn't have a kid that was killed by slamming their head into a sink, it becomes fun for them. | ||
| And it sucks, but you can't just stop the art form because it's going to hit you. | ||
| And that's one of the things that came up in that conversation with Lindy. | ||
| Lindy? | ||
| Lindy West? | ||
| Lindy West, yeah. | ||
| One of the things that came up in the conversation with her was that she was talking about rape jokes, and meanwhile she had a photo on her Twitter of Jeff Goldblum, who was in Death Wish. | ||
| He enacted a really horrific rape scene. | ||
| A barbaric rape scene, yeah. | ||
| Scary, terrifying, no joke. | ||
| There was no jokes involved. | ||
| There was no hee-hee-ha-ha, no double entendres. | ||
| And yet, an actor doing that in that piece of art, somehow or another, is exonerated from the impact. | ||
| And this idea that you should know that one-third of the audience, I think, is the current thing they're enjoying banding about. | ||
| When people talk about, I shouldn't say they're enjoying, I don't want to dismiss it, but the people who really believe this believe that one third of all women have been either sexually assaulted or raped and there's people that dispute that and there's a lot of it is based on a certain study from I believe it was 1987 and there's a lot of Questions that are very controversial in that study. | ||
| Like they'd say, if you ever had sex with someone and then regretted it, or we were coerced into having sex, and things along those lines. | ||
| They called all of those rape. | ||
| And so then, I think their findings was like one in five, but now people are saying it's one in three. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| The idea that you have to censor yourself because of the... | ||
| You can choose to. | ||
| You can choose to if that's your style of comedy. | ||
| You can choose to. | ||
| But for you to get mad at someone who doesn't choose to, it's like, ooh, this is a slippery slope. | ||
| And I know people don't think it's a slippery slope because you think it's all just about protecting people's feelings, especially victims' feelings. | ||
| And I see your point. | ||
| But... | ||
| At the end of the day, we're gonna have to go over this whole motherfucker with a fine-tooth comb if you want to do that. | ||
| You can't just single out stand-up comedy because it's coming from one person and not a giant movie where a woman gets assaulted and beaten or raped or whatever. | ||
| I mean, all of it has to be looked at. | ||
| You have to look at the whole thing. | ||
| See, and I also feel like I give myself the same credit I give the audience. | ||
| Like, I really do. | ||
| And it's like we all say we want to just treat people like you want to be treated. | ||
| Well, I treat the audience with the same level of intellectual respect that I want. | ||
| And I went and saw Joan Rivers, and it's the edgiest set I've ever seen a comic do. | ||
| And I mean, this was a few years ago at the Cutting Room in New York. | ||
| She's doing 9-11 jokes. | ||
| I mean, fucking bullshit. | ||
| Brutal! | ||
| And I literally wanted to cry at the end of it because I'm like, that is what we should be doing. | ||
| It is taking everything horrible that we experience, and I mean horrible, and making a room full of people laugh about it. | ||
| And when we walked out of there, my feelings about 9-11 had not changed, my feelings about rape, my feelings about AIDS. Not one thing she said made me value those real experiences less. | ||
| Not one thing she said made me devalue anything, made me lose respect for the horror of 9-11. | ||
| Nothing changed for me other than I was able to temporarily laugh at something that I knew was awful. | ||
| So why wouldn't I give my audience the same credit for being able to come to the conclusion I came to watching Joan Rivers? | ||
| Well, to take their argument, it would be because you haven't been raped, you haven't been murdered, you didn't lose loved ones in 9-11, and that what you should be doing by omitting rape jokes is you should be avoiding triggers, PTSD triggers, avoiding people freaking out and thinking about their rape while they're at a comedy show, just trying to have a good time. | ||
| And so their opinion is set up entirely to protect the victims of these crimes. | ||
| It's not like a person like you has A certain sensibility about 9-11. | ||
| Joan Rivers defies that sensibility but does it in a humorous way and you walk away with the same opinions that you had going in. | ||
| Because that's not really what you're dealing with. | ||
| What you're dealing with is a victimization crime. | ||
| A crime where someone's been dehumanized and them being in the audience watching you talk about that. | ||
| You should be more sensitive than that. | ||
| So that's their argument. | ||
| I think it's a very good argument in a lot of ways. | ||
| My point back to them would be, I do understand that, but like I said, whenever I talk about Tiger Woods' text messages, I reveal my own. | ||
| I talk about my own. | ||
| I also talk about things that have injured me. | ||
| I talk about my own suicide attempts, my own sexual proclivity. | ||
| So I include... | ||
| Well, you do. | ||
| You certainly do. | ||
| Everything horrible and things that have affected me and things that haven't. | ||
| It's not like I exclude things. | ||
| And if you break down humor like that, like you said, fine-tooth comb, every single joke or 90% of the jokes you do, unless you're talking about balloons or bouncing a ball, have hurt somebody. | ||
| Well, you talk about, oh my god, was I drunk driving? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Children being killed by drunk driving is not funny. | ||
| If we get that literal with humor, then Almost all jokes comics tell are going to be up for a careful examination. | ||
| I think Matt and Trey said it's either all okay or none of it's okay. | ||
| I won't make pedophile jokes when Kevin fucking Bacon can't play him in The Woodsman. | ||
| I won't do gun jokes when fucking Hollywood can't tell me how bad guns are and then they make a movie called Two Guns, which I have no objection to. | ||
| But then don't fucking preach to me about guns, motherfuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's like, I don't care what you do as an artist, leave me alone as an artist. | ||
| I don't tell you what to do, don't tell me what to do. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| No, your point is dead on. | ||
| And it's a very important point, the idea of censorship. | ||
| I can understand that people don't want someone in the audience to be impacted negatively about you making light of something that's a horrific crime that they've suffered from personally. | ||
| But that doesn't mean you should stop. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And it doesn't mean that you're a dick, either. | ||
| What it means is, you're saying something that hits them personally. | ||
| And, you know, then maybe you shouldn't go see Jim Norton. | ||
| And that sounds like a fucked up thing to say, but really that's the reality of the situation. | ||
| What you're doing is a style of art. | ||
| People who don't want to be scared, don't go see The Conjuring or The Evil Dead because they don't like, I don't like horror movies. | ||
| How come nobody's trying to stop horror movies? | ||
| People that don't like them, don't go to see them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So the same way should be with certain types of humor. | ||
| And when you break it down, what's the worst that can happen if you see something? | ||
| Am I going to talk about something that they don't show on Law& Order constantly? | ||
| Jesus, the whole thing's a fucking rape-murder fest. | ||
| Everything people like is a rape or a murder or some kind of voyeurism. | ||
| And I will acknowledge and honor people's abhorrence to violence when there's an accident in the southbound lane and the traffic in my lane doesn't slow down. | ||
| People slow down to look because they want to see it. | ||
| They want to fucking see it on some level, but they don't admit they want to see it. | ||
| And I hate their lack of admission. | ||
| Well, there's a weird exclusion thing, too, if you're discussing rape and you're not discussing murder. | ||
| If you have anything that involves rape in a tweet or something, you're a piece of shit, or you should have had a trigger warning in there. | ||
| This is the attitude that a lot of people are taking about this stuff. | ||
| But why doesn't anybody have the same issues about murders? | ||
| You can talk about a murder. | ||
| You can talk about... | ||
| It's very rare that people get upset at murder jokes or murder movies or anything murder. | ||
| But there was an Obama thing recently where Obama said that he could have been Trayvon Martin. | ||
| And I said, you know who else he could have been? | ||
| He could have been a little kid that got killed by drones. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, it's not really a joke per se, but it's kind of like mocking him. | ||
| It's mocking the idiocy of this, but it's also bringing up murder. | ||
| It's bringing up people getting hit with missiles and their bodies exploding. | ||
| Why is that image any less disturbing than the image of rape? | ||
| Are they equally disturbing? | ||
| Are they both off the menu? | ||
| Or why are we only going with rape off the menu? | ||
| How come... | ||
| There's like zero push to take murder off the menu. | ||
| Their argument would be, and again, this is what they would say, is because rape, murder victims, you're not taught to be silent about murder. | ||
| You're taught to be silent about rape. | ||
| And there's a lot of rape victims who are too scared to report the crime. | ||
| No one is scared to report a murder, unless it's a mob thing. | ||
| They're saying the perception of the crime is different and there's such a shame with it where there's not a shame with murder, there's not a shame with these other things. | ||
| And again, I heard what she said and I listened to it and I did get it, but I don't do a whole shitload of jokes on rape victims anyway. | ||
| But if that's the case, and it probably is the case, then be for castration of rapists. | ||
| Or fight the fact that the recidivism rate is so high in these fucking pigs because they're being let out of jail. | ||
| Like, fight that! | ||
| Don't worry about what dumb... | ||
| Contributing to a fucking rape culture is nonsense, and to say a comedian contributes to rape culture is simply bullshit, and it's simplistic thinking. | ||
| It's a way of saying, I don't like what you're saying, and I don't want you to say it, But I can't come out with that, so I have to find a higher reason which makes it sound like you shouldn't say it for this reason. | ||
| Well, even the term rape culture, you know, someone on my message board said, do they have like meetings? | ||
| Do they have a magazine? | ||
| Like, is it really a culture? | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And by calling it that, by defining it in those terms... | ||
| Calling it rape culture. | ||
| When you put quotes around that, it starts to be real. | ||
| And I don't mean that it's going to encourage people to rape, but I mean the idea that there's a culture that supports rape is going to be real. | ||
| It's going to be something that people address as if it's real, regardless of whether or not it is. | ||
| Is it real that people rape? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But is it real that our culture supports it? | ||
| Fuck no, man. | ||
| Most people have moms. | ||
| Most people have sisters. | ||
| What we have a problem with in this country is a lot of people are making shitty human beings. | ||
| There's a lot of terrible fucking parents who are doing a shitty job. | ||
| And they're making shitty human beings. | ||
| And they're also raising these shitty human rings around a bunch of other kids that were created by shitty human beings. | ||
| And they don't know what the fuck they're doing either. | ||
| And no one's paying attention to their kids. | ||
| Making a human being and raising a human being is a massive undertaking. | ||
| And all the people out there that are doing their best, I commend you and congratulate you. | ||
| All the parents out there that are taking their kid to wrestling classes and martial arts and their daughter to dance classes or martial arts if she wants to do it or anything. | ||
| Where you're getting them involved in activities, building discipline in them, developing their character. | ||
| Most people don't get that in this life, right? | ||
| They don't get taught how to behave how to be a good human being the qualities and the values of friendship and and Community that should be bestowed upon children at a very early age But for most of us we have to get the fuck out of the house for we can figure out that on our own And we figure it out by friendships. | ||
| And we figure it out by meeting people in life and learning from them. | ||
| But we're doing a real shit job of raising kids right out of the box. | ||
| And so you come into life with a deficit. | ||
| And that deficit manifests itself in a bunch of shitty fucking behavior. | ||
| Whether it's violence or whether it's rape, whether it's stealing, whether it's plagiarism. | ||
| Whether it's taking advantage of people in any way. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Like, why are you doing that? | ||
| Why are you being such a shitty human being? | ||
| And that's what is not emphasized enough in our culture. | ||
| It's not just about making money. | ||
| It's not about getting ahead. | ||
| It's about cultivating good friendships and a happy life. | ||
| And the only way you could do that is to be nice. | ||
| Those motherfuckers that are ruthless businessmen, those guys are all depressed. | ||
| They're all a bunch of fucking crazy assholes, taking Ambien to go to sleep, abusing hookers. | ||
| But, hey, easy. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Most of them need their throats cut. | ||
| Like, honestly, I think that would change a little bit if we dragged a few of those business guys, not all of them, but a few of them into the street and killed them in the street. | ||
| I think that they would stop stealing people's money. | ||
| Yeah, there's a certain... | ||
| Do I have time to piss? | ||
| I'm going to piss my pants. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, go piss your pants. | ||
| Go piss out of your pants. | ||
| Yeah, I'll be right back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those radio guys aren't used to doing the commercials and stuff. | |
| Yeah, these pussies. | ||
| You little 15-minute radio bladder. | ||
| Yeah, we're used to holding it for three hours while drinking C2O coconut juice. | ||
| That's right, C2O coconut juice. | ||
| People say, Joe Rogan, why do you drink C2O? I'll tell you why. | ||
| This is not a commercial. | ||
| They don't pay me anything, but they send me coconut juice. | ||
| It's really good because it's from Thai coconuts. | ||
| A lot of you have had coconut juice, and you're like, oh my god, this stuff tastes like ass. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| A lot of it tastes like ass. | ||
| Thai coconuts, a different animal. | ||
| It's short. | ||
| It's only like five feet tall, and it grows, and it's almost like a bush. | ||
| It's a totally different thing. | ||
| You know, you think of those long, tall ones, the coconuts at the top. | ||
| Those aren't so good. | ||
| But the Thai coconuts, oh, it's like sweet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's so great, too, like if you're hungover, or when you wake up in the morning, you're just dehydrated to chug that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I found out from my friend Edwin at Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| He came in and brought a case of this shit and started handing it out to people. | ||
| And I go, what is this? | ||
| I'd never had it. | ||
| I'd had coconut juice and it was gross. | ||
| But you know what's the best shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right out of a coconut. | |
| Yeah, that's my thing where they chop off the top and you have a little straw. | ||
| Ooh, that's so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you eat a little of the skin that's in there. | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Scoop it out with a spoon. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| If you can just hack the top off of a delicious coconut and get a straw in that bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what's weird? | ||
| I think we talked about this last podcast, and we briefly talked about it today. | ||
| I just found out the blue cigarettes, the one that we always talk about with that one dude in it, the sexy guy that's smoking a fake cigarette, Stephen Dorff. | ||
| That company, Blue, is owned by the third largest tobacco company. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| And then the second largest just bought a new company, and that's what their thing is now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the way they're hit... | |
| Hooking the kids on nicotine now. | ||
| We have these fake cigarettes with the cool blue lights and we're making them flavored so they taste like watermelons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So now that's how they're getting you again. | |
| And then they're making it better now. | ||
| The kids are... | ||
| I know somebody that just got one of these cigarettes. | ||
| She's like, I quit smoking. | ||
| I'm like, oh, that's great. | ||
| And I was like, what do you got? | ||
| Well, I got one of these electronic cigarettes. | ||
| She sat there. | ||
| I watched her for probably like five hours. | ||
| Non-stop. | ||
| Just sucking on that thing like it was air. | ||
| How about those batteries? | ||
| That's pretty impressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, those batteries last pretty well. | |
| They're rechargeable, and they even have little USB plugs, so they seem like a cool technology toy. | ||
| Yeah, they have a box. | ||
| I've seen them. | ||
| They have a metal box or a plastic box that they charge it in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some of them. | |
| The one I have actually has this thing you just hook up. | ||
| It has a USB cable. | ||
| The Jenny McCarthy one that she's pitching, she's got the opposite of the Stephen Dorff commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are we doing? | |
| We're doing blue commercials for these fucking people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How was the gathering of the Juggalos? | |
| Did anything crazy happen when... | ||
| No, it's funny. | ||
| Those guys from ICP have been really nice to me. | ||
| I was hesitant to do that gig. | ||
| Because I hear it's like, you know, you're in the woods. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I have never watched this. | ||
| I can't watch myself. | ||
| What was this? | ||
| This is a TV show, right? | ||
| This is their show on Fuse. | ||
| I was one of the first interviews they've done. | ||
| What's their show on Fuse? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Where they just watch videos and kind of mock them. | ||
| It's like a Beavis and Butthead thing. | ||
| They smushed you in between them. | ||
| This is uncomfortably close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's part of it. | ||
| I think I was one of the first interviews they ever did. | ||
| Why do they want to touch you like that while they're sitting there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it was just for camera framing. | ||
| What a shitty job of camera framing. | ||
| Yeah, they just block us all in there. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's like... | ||
| Who's doing it? | ||
| Their cousin? | ||
| I think that they just like the uncomfortability of it. | ||
| The fact that it just looks weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the Gather... | ||
| Can I... The Gathering of the Juggalos was... | ||
| The travel to it is an abomination. | ||
| But it was a really good gig. | ||
| There's like 700 people in a tent. | ||
| I mean, they were nice. | ||
| They were a little bit chatty, but nowhere near what you'd expect at an outdoor festival gig. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| And they were all fucking nice. | ||
| One of my favorite porn girls was there because she's a big fan of them. | ||
| Who's your favorite porn girl? | ||
| She's one of them. | ||
| Her name is Pepper Kester. | ||
| You go deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You like Pepper Kester? | |
| She goes deep to the bottom of the obscure porn stars of the redhead, right? | ||
| Yeah, really big pussy lips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to wear her pussy on my fucking nose. | |
| And she was there? | ||
| She's a big fan of them, yeah. | ||
| So that was the highlight for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you get her backstage? | |
| We're friends, no. | ||
| We don't do anything. | ||
| But I understand that she does mostly lesbian porn. | ||
| I have no shot at fucking her. | ||
| But I genuinely like her. | ||
| She's cool. | ||
| And she doesn't mind you beating off thinking about her. | ||
| Oh no, she's fine with it. | ||
| I'm trying to work her up where I can walk behind her and beat off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Has she been listening to ONA about you talking about her? | |
| Has she said anything about that? | ||
| People tweet her and she's happy that we do. | ||
| But I've had dinner with her once. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, but I knew it was just going to be a hang and she was actually really nice. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Can I plug my special? | ||
| I've been forgetting to plug it. | ||
| Go ahead, I'm going to take a leak. | ||
| Go ahead, plug it away. | ||
| It's called American Degenerate, and it premieres on Epix on this month, August the 23rd, and yeah, I'm looking all over. | ||
| What an unprofessional. | ||
| Have a look at the camera. | ||
| Am I looking at the wrong one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there's the piece of it. | |
| Oh, they're showing me talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's August 23rd. | ||
| It's on Epix, and if you don't have Epix, it's epixhd.com, and you can get a trial subscription. | ||
| So whether or not you want to keep Epix is up to you, but get the trial subscription online, and then you can watch it whenever you want. | ||
| But I'm actually really happy with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this something that you're going to eventually... | |
| Do you own this so that eventually you can sell it? | ||
| I will, yeah. | ||
| But I want people to go and see it there because Epics gave me money to do it and they artistically got out of my way. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| For a comedian, the only thing you could do better with them as a network is just do it and shoot it yourself and put it on your own TV because they're very, very good about leaving you alone. | ||
| Which is all a comedian wants is to be left the fuck alone from a network. | ||
| I know that Sam Roberts is in town right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you guys going to Get to hook up and do anything? | |
| I think he's coming in tonight? | ||
| I probably won't see him. | ||
| I'm just too busy. | ||
| I'm doing a bunch of shit today and a bunch of shit tomorrow. | ||
| And then I go home on Wednesday. | ||
| I'm very, very busy every day. | ||
| But I came out and I wanted to... | ||
| It'll be on Netflix in like eight months. | ||
| But I legitimately wanted to do promo for this network because they've taken good care of me. | ||
| And you don't get many people like that anymore that give you the fucking freedom. | ||
| Because every network person wants to get their hands on your business. | ||
| And they don't do that. | ||
| What, for you and your special? | ||
| For Epix, yeah. | ||
| They've been really good about it, man. | ||
| And the opening, they were a little hesitant. | ||
| I got an opening, which I was really happy. | ||
| Like, I got someone special for my opening. | ||
| And they were a little like, uh... | ||
| But, you know, it wound up working out, and they left me alone, and they were happy with it. | ||
| Who's on your opening? | ||
| I don't want to say. | ||
| I'll show it to you. | ||
| Okay, show it to me. | ||
| I have to email it to you. | ||
| It's a secret, Jimmy. | ||
| It is, and I should... | ||
| Because last year I had Ozzy do it, and Ozzy and Sharon both tweeted it. | ||
| Like, they really helped me out. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| But this one, Jonathan, if you're listening, could you email it to me and I'll email it to Joe? | ||
| Because I have not, no one has seen it. | ||
| There's like four people that have seen it. | ||
| I don't mean like that big special secret. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck, but I mean I just have it. | ||
| I understand you don't want to let out this secret. | ||
| You got a secret. | ||
| You crafted something. | ||
| You put together a little secret. | ||
| But I'm going to use it to promote the special. | ||
| It's nice that Epix is not fucking with you and letting you do whatever you want. | ||
| That's the only way to do it. | ||
| I've done... | ||
| I tried... | ||
| Before I ever did my first Comedy Central special... | ||
| It was on Spike first, actually, and then it was on Comedy Central. | ||
| But before that, there was a round I went where they went over some of my material. | ||
| And they were like, no, you can't say this. | ||
| No, you can't say that. | ||
| This is no good. | ||
| You can't even beep that out. | ||
| Like... | ||
| It got to be like, alright, we can't do this. | ||
| It's too frustrating to have to have all that stuff. | ||
| They didn't have any content issue. | ||
| As long as you're not slandering somebody, or libel, whichever is the spoken word, you gotta be careful. | ||
| You can't walk up and just say things that are gonna get you sued. | ||
| That's the only thing they cared. | ||
| They were fine with it. | ||
| They were very hands-off. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, it was refreshing. | ||
| Well, you know what it is, Jimmy? | ||
| I think that the same thing that we were talking about, how there's a broad spectrum of art that people like, whether it's music or movies or whatever, there's also a broad spectrum of content distribution methods. | ||
| And the one that we've all been stuck with was television. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 15 minutes commercial, another 15 minutes commercial, all these fucking commercials and all these breaks and all this editing and all this censorship and all this shit they're trying to sell in between in Toyota cars and Tide fucking detergent and all this shit that they're doing, other than the actual performance itself, then all of a sudden the internet comes along. | ||
| And then, like Louis C.K. did, you release it all, you sell it for five bucks, you watch the whole thing, it's an entirety, and then you go, why would I ever fucking do it any other way? | ||
| Why would I try to listen to a bunch of other people try to shape it, and then put sandwich commercials in it, and then censor it? | ||
| It's such a shitty way of distributing content. | ||
| Yeah, and you're right. | ||
| The only way we knew was that. | ||
| That's all we ever had. | ||
| Now there's a new way. | ||
| And Louis changed a lot of things because the networks realized that they have a certain amount of power still, but that is slipping and slipping. | ||
| I think you could do an online special if you wanted to. | ||
| I did one. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, my last one was online. | ||
| It was totally online. | ||
| I paid for it, did it online, and then sold it to Comedy Central. | ||
| So it sold to Comedy Central now, and then I'm going to do another one. | ||
| And I'm going to do it the same way. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| And Louie set a perfect bar, too, so nobody can get greedy. | ||
| Because Louie's top-shelf, A-plus stand-up comic, one of the greatest of our generation, without a doubt. | ||
| Between him and Rock and Chappelle, there's like four or five people that are the greatest of our generation. | ||
| So if he puts up a $5 special, that's what it costs now. | ||
| That's what it costs. | ||
| Everybody's going to do $5 now. | ||
| Because if somebody stepped up first and tried to do $20, and then everybody... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm... | |
| It would have been one of those things. | ||
| What do I price it at? | ||
| He made it super reasonable. | ||
| It wasn't just that he was the pioneer in doing the first one like this, but also that he set the bar as far as the expense. | ||
| He set it really reasonably. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Very smart to do that. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| It's also when you cut out all the other bullshit as far as networks and commercials and putting them on the amount of production money that has to be paid off by commercials and all that jazz. | ||
| When we take all that out of the equation, it's pretty easy to get your money back. | ||
| You don't have to sell that much to get your money back, and then it becomes profitable. | ||
| Unless you're dealing with one of these fucking networks or production companies that want to sneak in a 30% distribution fee on top of everything. | ||
| They fuck so many guys doing that. | ||
| Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, you get some back-end money, but they don't tell you. | ||
| That the 30% distribution fee, which is a VIG, you're paying a VIG, comes off. | ||
| So it's like, well, we made $100, but no, we only made $70 because the 30% distribution fee comes off. | ||
| I'm like, what's it for? | ||
| Well, it's just a distribution fee. | ||
| It's a non-existent fucking thing. | ||
| So, you know, it's nice to be on my own with this one, and I own it, and Epic's is leasing it, and they were amazing about it. | ||
| Well, you're on Sirius, and you guys are on five days a week or sometimes four? | ||
| Monday through Friday, yeah. | ||
| Monday through Friday. | ||
| Now, do you ever think about doing something on your own? | ||
| Do you see, like, in the time that you're on, like, you guys were one of the first... | ||
| On Sirius Satellite Radio. | ||
| And, you know, in my opinion, like, that move that where we guys shifted over to Sirius Satellite Radio, that changed a lot of, like, people's ideas of, like, how to do a radio show. | ||
| Because between you guys and Stern, all of a sudden we heard swearing on a regular basis on a radio show. | ||
| And Brewer, Brewer's show, Brewer Unleashed. | ||
| You got to hear, like, people just hanging out. | ||
| And then I think that is what gave birth to a lot of podcasts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you don't do a podcast. | ||
| No, you know what it is? | ||
| I get 20 hours a week with those guys, and we replay all day. | ||
| I have five nights a week on Ozzy's Boneyard. | ||
| I host a music show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Five nights a week? | ||
| You do Boneyard? | ||
| Yeah, but it's only, again, you pre-tape it, but yeah, my voice is heard five nights a week on Boneyard. | ||
| And again, the one-hour advice show, I love on Wednesday. | ||
| That's actually some of the most fun. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| I love doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that show. | |
| But my voice is heard a lot, and I'm freed up to do my stand-up, which is what I want to do, and I have two shows that I want to get on the air. | ||
| That's my new obsession. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Talk show? | |
| One talk show, and I have one scripted show, which I actually think is good, and I'm ultra-critical of my shit, and I always think it stinks, but I'm actually happy with this, so hopefully I'll be able to get it sold or do it online. | ||
| I'm just not big enough to do it online yet. | ||
| I hope you never leave ONA, but if you ever did leave ONA, you would have a gigantic fucking podcast. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I feel like I wouldn't, and I mean, maybe I would, but I feel like I would be like, I'll be afraid to do that, man. | ||
| I love interviewing people, though. | ||
| I love doing it, but... | ||
| It's that East Coast podcast, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just don't trust podcasts on the East Coast. | |
| No, I got spoiled with radio because I'm so used to doing it that way that to do it on my own. | ||
| I love your setup here. | ||
| You have a bigger studio than we do and I love the way you've got it set up and it's a great hang and it's well done. | ||
| Yeah, well, this place, I just had realized that somewhere along the line I was eventually going to have to do something. | ||
| So I found this office space and just over the course of a few months put it together. | ||
| But it's really only become functional over the last few months because for the longest time we had a terrible internet connection. | ||
| It's a pain in the dick to build something like this. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| We had to get a fat pipe put in here. | ||
| So it's like 100 megabytes up and down. | ||
| It's a tremendous internet connection. | ||
| So now we can stream easy with no hiccups, download things at ridiculous speeds. | ||
| Before we were crippled with a shitty DSL connection. | ||
| There's a lot of things that go into building one of these things or hiring people to build one of these things, but it's cool to do because it's cool to make it your way. | ||
| Like, I want a brick behind me. | ||
| Okay, let's make it bricks. | ||
| I want a werewolf in the lobby. | ||
| Okay, let's get a werewolf. | ||
| I want an oak wall or oak table that's made out of 100-year-old reprocessed farm wood or reclaimed farm wood so you can do shit like that. | ||
| Because it's yours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because you don't have to go through a bunch of producers. | ||
| Like, well, what we want is the... | ||
| You see this thing behind me? | ||
| This goofy fucking thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that thing. | |
| Yeah, this is created by producers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want one of these. | |
| These things on the wall, these black things that look like a swastika. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that shit's so weird. | |
| They're claiming... | ||
| People are claiming that's a swastika. | ||
| I don't mind it, though. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It doesn't hurt the room at all. | ||
| I think the whole setup here is great, man. | ||
| I would be too nervous to do my own podcast. | ||
| Oh, you're so crazy. | ||
| You'd be awesome at it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I bore myself a lot. | ||
| I hate listening to myself. | ||
| Unless I'm doing Uncle Paul, then it doesn't sound like me at all. | ||
| Then I can listen to it. | ||
| Well, that is the problem with doing a lot of hours, right? | ||
| You do a lot of hours on the radio, and after a while, you're like, God damn it. | ||
| I think that sometimes we do three in a week. | ||
| We do three three-hour shows in a week. | ||
| Yeah, we have. | ||
| But after three, three is where I feel like I don't want to hear me anymore. | ||
| I'm tired of me. | ||
| Yeah, it's 20 hours a week we do. | ||
| And, you know, again, it's draining sometimes, but it's also fun. | ||
| But it's also developed your conversation skills. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why I really enjoy you, like in that Lindy West thing. | ||
| It was a fascinating debate. | ||
| You were the perfect person for that because you're so succinct with your words. | ||
| You're so used to being involved in... | ||
| Disagreements with people where you know how to keep things civil no matter what. | ||
| One of my favorite disagreements with you was the Jesse Ventura one. | ||
| Jesse Ventura got all dicky with you and he tried to get abusive. | ||
| He put his hand on you, he tried to bully you a little bit, and you called him out on it. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| I'm much more likely... | ||
| You said you don't like to see weak people. | ||
| I don't like it either. | ||
| I'm much more likely to argue with a guy who could throw me through a wall. | ||
| And it's not a little man complex. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| When Paris Hilton was in, she was not a good guest. | ||
| She was a vapid jizz bag. | ||
| I hated her. | ||
| But she wasn't being vicious, and it's just too easy to attack her. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Who gives a fuck if I do? | ||
| Jesse Ventura, I did not want to have this interaction with. | ||
| I would have preferred it to be civil. | ||
| But the video does not tell the whole story. | ||
| The audio tells the whole story. | ||
| But the video, because Opie's so OCD and nuts, he didn't tape all of it. | ||
| He taped it like when it started to get heated. | ||
| But Jesse was more aggressive with me. | ||
| And, you know, when he patted me on the way out, I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me. | ||
| But again, the way for me to equal him was to pat him. | ||
| And he was fucking stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, because this happened in 2004, pal, so we're not going back that far. | |
| You said we send our guys off to war without giving a shit, and I'm telling you, that's not true. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When did you go to war? | |
| I've never been in the military. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go, so you don't know. | |
| But I say pull them out of everything. | ||
| Because I've never been in the military, when we are attacked by, I feel, a nation, we should not... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It should be proven first. | |
| I feel we proved it, you feel we didn't. | ||
| You also feel that fucking Bush was behind 9-11. | ||
| So we're always going to disagree. | ||
| Hey, don't put fucking words in my mouth. | ||
| You feel that the U.S. government was behind it. | ||
| How is that for me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't say that. | |
| Who do you think is behind it? | ||
| I just said... | ||
| Our government's covering it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have not been told the truth. | |
| Do you feel that... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, okay, wait a minute. | |
| All right. | ||
| If you'll calm down a moment. | ||
| You're yelling. | ||
| You said the F word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're the governor. | |
| The F word. | ||
| I'm only talking your language so you'll understand. | ||
| No, you shouldn't bring it down to my level. | ||
| Bring me up to yours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know. | |
| All right. | ||
| Let me answer this question. | ||
| No, I want to solve what you said about... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, if you're not going to let me talk, I'm out the door. | |
| You've been talking the whole time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All you do is yell over people and you don't want to address point by point. | |
| You act like we say, send our boys to war, fuck them. | ||
| We've never said that. | ||
| I agree with you, but I want to pull them out of Germany. | ||
| I want to pull them everywhere. | ||
| The U.S. military should never be dying for other countries. | ||
| I don't care what happens. | ||
| I don't care if Kim Jong-il takes this out. | ||
| That's not my business. | ||
| I just think that if we are attacked, we have the right to want our military to respond. | ||
| So that's not some warmonger saying, fuck the boys, send them over. | ||
| That's what I want to address. | ||
| And he's just sitting there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sits and looks at Jimmy. | |
| Why? | ||
| Awkwardly. | ||
| That was a fair point I just made. | ||
| You were wrong when you said that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I didn't listen. | ||
| - Oh. | ||
| - Oh. - - You just talk over everybody. - Oh, you're a big guy and you talk about it. | ||
| I talked over you. | ||
| You're just now yelling at me because I'm not talking. | ||
| I'm not yelling at you. | ||
| I'm just yelling about your point. | ||
| You accused us of something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I didn't accuse him. | |
| Sure you did. | ||
| You guys are just full of shit. | ||
| You're an interesting guy, Jimmy, because you're a liberal in a lot of ways, but you're also conservative in a lot of ways. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh, thank you, John. | ||
| Are you the man? | ||
| You're very conservative and right-wing in a lot of ways. | ||
| Certain ways, yeah. | ||
| But you're also very liberal. | ||
| Do you hear what you're saying in this and you still stand by what you're saying? | ||
| About pulling our military out of everywhere? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Fuck the rest of the world. | ||
| Fuck Egypt. | ||
| I'm sick of giving them money when people here don't eat. | ||
| I'm tired of us fucking telling everybody else how to live their lives and we don't do it. | ||
| We tell people, don't do this, don't do that, and meanwhile, if two guys want to get married, they can't. | ||
| If we were not full of shit and we were consistent, I'd be fine with it. | ||
| I just think that the rest of the world, fuck them. | ||
| But do you really believe that we were attacked by a country? | ||
| You were talking about sending troops into other countries? | ||
| Well, I meant Afghanistan, not Iraq. | ||
| But did you think we were attacked by Afghanistan? | ||
| No, but what I meant by that, and this was more to this, was the fact that the Taliban held bin Laden and shielded bin Laden and refused to give him to us. | ||
| That was what I felt happened. | ||
| I felt that they were complicit in allowing him to operate there. | ||
| So while the whole country didn't attack us, I feel, had they just given us Bin Laden, we never would have attacked Afghanistan. | ||
| You're a smart guy, and you know that the line that you get from the media, whether press releases or what have you, you know it's garbage. | ||
| So why would you think that they really were shielding Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan. | ||
| When you know what you know about Jessica Lynch, where they lied about Jessica Lynch being rescued, she was kidnapped, and meanwhile she was just in a hospital in Iraq, and they didn't even fire a bullet when they got her out of there, and she actually was pretty vocal about it, and in that received death threats and was threatened by numerous people that she was called a traitor because she didn't go along with the company line. | ||
| And then, of course, you know the Pat Tillman story. | ||
| You know the difference between his brother's version of the events and his brother's version of how his brother Pat Tillman felt about being in the war once he was there. | ||
| So different from what the government was saying in their press releases. | ||
| And then when we found out that it was actually Friendly Fire that killed him, it was actually killed by American troops. | ||
| The whole thing becomes incredibly complex and really fucked up and you're realizing that someone's lying to you and they're painting a bad picture. | ||
| So why would you assume that they're telling you the truth about Osama bin Laden being hid by the Taliban in Afghanistan? | ||
| In that case, I believed it. | ||
| At the time? | ||
| Yeah, and I still think the Taliban knew he was there and was happy he was there. | ||
| But I don't blame them. | ||
| They're religious fanatics. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get the connection. | ||
| I'm sorry to interrupt you, but have you ever talked to Special Forces guys? | ||
| I know you talked to a lot of those guys. | ||
| You have them on your podcast. | ||
| We had Chris Kyle. | ||
| Yeah, the guy who was killed. | ||
| Have you ever talked to them about Osama bin Laden? | ||
| Yeah, we have, sure. | ||
| A lot of them don't think that that guy was even alive. | ||
| They think he had been dead a long time ago. | ||
| They just decided to use it as a good time to say they got him. | ||
| You know Benazir Bhutto, that woman that was killed in an explosion? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is that her name? | ||
| Was she the one who was shot, killed by... | ||
| Who was the woman that was killed? | ||
| She was... | ||
| President? | ||
| Or she was running for president? | ||
| Oh, god damn. | ||
| I wish I knew. | ||
| I'm such a fucking idiot when it comes to foreign policy. | ||
| Killed. | ||
| Anyway, she said, whoever this woman was, she said that... | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Benazir Bhutto. | ||
| She was killed in 2007. She said that she went to his funeral. | ||
| I mean, she was the Prime Minister of Pakistan in two non-consecutive terms. | ||
| Was she shot though? | ||
| Was it a suicide bombing? | ||
| I think it was a bomb, yeah. | ||
| And she said, I mean, this is not a woman that has any reason to lie. | ||
| She said she went to his fucking funeral. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe it was one of those fake funerals. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Or just to fucking put out, maybe they knew that bitch would tell. | ||
| So let's bring her to a fake funeral. | ||
| She'll talk some shit. | ||
| We made a fake Osama bin Laden and then he can hide in Pakistan. | ||
| That's possible too. | ||
| It didn't really help Obama. | ||
| I firmly believe, I do think that he was there, and I do think that they just caught him the way they said. | ||
| I don't believe everything the government tells me, at all. | ||
| But in this particular case, it makes sense to me, and it's not that difficult a stretch for me to make, that he was holed up there and they finally got him. | ||
| It took ten fucking years. | ||
| I don't see the government being patient enough. | ||
| Or anybody not wanting to grab... | ||
| Like, Bush was getting slaughtered in the polls. | ||
| There's no way anybody on the Republican side would have allowed that to continue. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They could have grabbed the glory for it, as opposed to under Obama's watch. | ||
| So, do I believe that the Taliban... | ||
| If it was the French government, I would not have believed they were hiding him. | ||
| Even Saddam Hussein. | ||
| I probably wouldn't have believed. | ||
| And I was originally for the Iraq war, and then I'm against it. | ||
| I shouldn't have been for it. | ||
| But with Afghanistan, I feel they were much more of religious fanatics, and you see the way the Taliban are, and I do think that they were protecting him and they were okay with him being there. | ||
| So that was why I was okay. | ||
| With us lashing out at them, Iraq was a mistake, and I wish we hadn't gone there, because I think that most of the Iraq people don't give a fuck about us, and I don't think American lives should be shed over that shit. | ||
| Like, I believe in pulling—get them out of Germany, too! | ||
| Why are we in fucking Germany? | ||
| It's a waste of money! | ||
| Yeah, but do you think that we're really in Iraq for the Iraq people? | ||
| No! | ||
| No. | ||
| Of course not! | ||
| We're in Iraq to make some money. | ||
| They're in Iraq to control oil. | ||
| Then we should say that. | ||
| Most likely, right? | ||
| Yeah, well, you can't say that because nobody's going to agree to go to war then. | ||
| I mean, that's been the strategy from the beginning of time. | ||
| That's what Eisenhower warned people about when he was leaving office. | ||
| That's what people have always said. | ||
| I mean, did you ever read that Smedley Butler thing he wrote? | ||
| He was a general in like 1935. I think we both know I haven't. | ||
| So it's kind of a famous piece. | ||
| It's called War is a Racket. | ||
| And he wrote this whole thing about his entire career in the military being a racket. | ||
| It was all about money, about bankers, and about oil companies, and about all these different things where he thought he was doing one thing, but he was really just protecting the interests of these gigantic institutions. | ||
| And when you read it, it's really hard to read because it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that this was 1930-something. | ||
| And it's the same now. | ||
| It's the same way now, almost a hundred years later. | ||
| Eighty fucking years later. | ||
| And it's basically the same. | ||
| You know, I agree with a lot more of that than I would have five or six years ago. | ||
| What's changed? | ||
| Just, you know, guys like Bernie Madoff and all these, it's just growing up a little bit more or looking at things differently or reading more about, you know, just whatever changes in opinion over time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm never afraid of looking back and going, oh, I should have thought another way on that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't have... | ||
| That's why I don't... | ||
| Again, I don't try to convince an audience that I'm right. | ||
| I'm just honest about my opinion. | ||
| Yeah, you are. | ||
| We all bat 500. Well, you're brave with your opinions, too, which is important. | ||
| You know, you... | ||
| If you really believe it, you have a reason for believing it, and you're willing to talk about it. | ||
| You know, I think that's... | ||
| That's a rare thing. | ||
| People don't want to do that. | ||
| They don't want to take chances with controversial subjects. | ||
| It's a very controversial subject to defend war or even to criticize war. | ||
| It's controversial. | ||
| It becomes a topic of heated discussion. | ||
| Always. | ||
| I feel like with the Afghan government, again, if I found out that they weren't shielding Bin Laden, I'd say, oh God, I was wrong about that. | ||
| Well, if you really find out about the Afghan government is that we pay the brother of Karzi by the CIA. He's a drug dealer. | ||
| The CIA's been paying him for almost a fucking decade or something crazy like that. | ||
| Have you interviewed Saad Maseni? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's that? | |
| He's a buddy of Jonathan's. | ||
| He knows everything about it. | ||
| He's from Afghanistan. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| He runs Moby. | ||
| He's like the Rupert Murdoch of Afghanistan. | ||
| What's Moby? | ||
| It's a media company. | ||
| He's a TV station there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| Assad knows him. | ||
| In Afghanistan? | ||
| He knows everything about Afghanistan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| And he could tell you about the Taliban because he's communicated with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He knows them. | |
| Right. | ||
| And he's a guy you would love, love to have on the show. | ||
| He's a great guest. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| Really, really bright guy. | ||
| He would be able to answer that question very well and he would be very accurate in whatever he said because he knows those guys. | ||
| You know what my favorite story about Afghanistan is? | ||
| How they talk the Taliban into giving up the position? | ||
| Or how they talk the warlords, the local guys, into giving up the position for the Taliban? | ||
| You know how they do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Viagra. | |
| Viagra, yes. | ||
| They give them Viagra. | ||
| They're like, guns? | ||
| I don't need guns. | ||
| Pussy, I have 20 wives. | ||
| Then I cannot even get it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they're like, oh, okay. | ||
| We got you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got what you need here, son. | |
| All of a sudden, these old dudes are just naked with perpetual hard-ons. | ||
| Just running these harems that they have up there. | ||
| What a barbaric way of living life they have. | ||
| I mean, they have these... | ||
| What a lot of people don't realize about Afghanistan is if you watch documentaries on it or talk to people that have been there, it really is like it's frozen in time. | ||
| Like, there's people that are warlords and they control segments of the land and then they're bordered by other warlords and these guys have like 20 wives and... | ||
| It's a weird, wacky sort of a way of life. | ||
| 15th century, it feels. | ||
| 15th century. | ||
| I don't relate to it at all. | ||
| Again, I don't think we should be over there interacting. | ||
| Not that we should never have interaction with other countries, but the fact that we try to throw our ideas into other people's business. | ||
| I don't care what North Korea does. | ||
| It's nothing to do with me. | ||
| All that money we waste... | ||
| On fucking other countries. | ||
| Should be spent on American citizens. | ||
| And if we want Obamacare. | ||
| Fine let's take care of everybody. | ||
| Take that billion you're giving to Egypt. | ||
| And then fucking give it back to the American people. | ||
| Like give people here. | ||
| Who have their fucking pensions taken away. | ||
| Give them that billion dollars. | ||
| We waste so much money. | ||
| And I think that. | ||
| Like you said. | ||
| The asterisk with that should be. | ||
| If anybody attacks us physically. | ||
| Our response should be. | ||
| Embarrassingly bad. | ||
| Like, it should be embarrassingly strong and devastating. | ||
| So I think that should be the only... | ||
| That should be the thing. | ||
| Like, you do what you want, but if you come into our yard, we will blast you out of existence. | ||
| Well, I think that as a stand-up... | ||
| Which is very childish, by the way, I'm sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I'm childish in a lot of ways, too. | ||
| But as a stand-up comedian, I think it's ridiculous for me to try to even attempt to understand what it must be like to running foreign policy. | ||
| Just to say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, sure, sure. | |
| But if you look at the entirety of the situation, you would see that there would, I would think that there's probably a benefit in giving a lot of people money because they make you, they're indebted to you. | ||
| Those people are indebted to you and then you can kind of do things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You can put bases over there. | ||
| You can extract resources. | ||
| You can do all the shit the United States does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And we can't do all that if we don't give them money. | ||
| And if we don't give them money, and then they all start fucking forming their own organizations, then it's not One World Power anymore like it is now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The reason why One World Power works is because we put the whole world... | ||
| It's sort of a perpetual welfare state where the whole world relies on the United States either for military support or from financial support or something. | ||
| And by doing that, it's a terrible way of looking at it, but the reality is when you have these countries that are indebted to you, those countries kind of owe you. | ||
| You can get them to do shit and stay calm and they don't try to take over the world. | ||
| They owe a fuckload of money, you have military bases there, and you keep things on that level. | ||
| And when you tell people how many bases the United States has in other countries, most people have no idea. | ||
| There's more than a hundred different countries in the world that have United States military presence. | ||
| When you hear about that, you go, wait a minute, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, and this is what I love about us. | ||
| And again, I love America. | ||
| I really do, and I do think we're a great country. | ||
| I mean, you talk about American exceptionalism. | ||
| I believe a lot of it, and some of it I think is a bit overblown. | ||
| But I have patriotism and pride, and this is not about me, oh, fuck America at all. | ||
| I just hate the—because the same mentality that— Do as I say, not as I do shit trickles down into our daily lives and eventually affects us as comics and performers because people feel comfortable being self-righteous or duplicitous. | ||
| And it makes me fucking crazy. | ||
| But we're bellyaching about Snowden. | ||
| What the fuck do we think the Soviets are going to do? | ||
| We have had our door open to Soviet defectors. | ||
| Forever! | ||
| And we cry that they're keeping him? | ||
| Of course they should keep him! | ||
| I don't blame the Soviets for not giving him back. | ||
| We're going to huff and fucking puff when all we've done is say, hey, if you're a defector, come on over. | ||
| We'll take care of you. | ||
| And we should do that. | ||
| Not only that, do you know what the reason, like, the critical boiling point was where they decided to accept his acceptance for his application for asylum? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Couldn't stumble through that quick enough. | ||
| The United States was criticizing Russia for trying to silence political dissent. | ||
| They literally had the balls to criticize Russia for silencing political dissent while the biggest whistleblower in the history of our country is sitting in their airport. | ||
| And they were like, really? | ||
| Like, are you guys that fucking deft? | ||
| Are you that fucking dumb? | ||
| It's not deft, it's daft, right? | ||
| We are, though. | ||
| Whatever the word is. | ||
| Are you guys that arrogant that you think that you can criticize us while we're holding the guy that fucking released all those documents that proved that you guys are lying twats? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, Obama went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and was lying about it. | ||
| Wasn't telling the truth about releasing the... | ||
| First of all, he was saying that people are not being spied on. | ||
| But that's not true. | ||
| People are being spied on. | ||
| And they're telling the DEA... They're showing them how to fake an investigation so that they don't show that they got the records from the NSA. They're showing them how to retroactively piece together an investigation. | ||
| So they say, well, we arrived at our results this way. | ||
| If you already know someone's guilty because you have the NSA paperwork on them, Email, phone calls, what have you. | ||
| All you have to do is zoom in on this guy and then you could find the evidence and find a reason to investigate him because you know he's guilty already. | ||
| You could just piece it together easily. | ||
| And again, were they doing that to American citizens for normal interactions or was it really... | ||
| For people who were using the loophole of being here and communicating so we couldn't get into... | ||
| It's almost like somebody once said after 9-11, the Constitution is not a suicide pact. | ||
| Like, were they attempting to... | ||
| And I don't know the answer to it. | ||
| Were they attempting to use, like, America's laws kind of against it? | ||
| Like, well, I'm here... | ||
| Those American citizens using the DEA... The DEA was investigating American citizens for selling drugs. | ||
| Oh, it was drugs. | ||
| Okay, I didn't realize you were saying that. | ||
| Yeah, as far as I know, it's American citizens. | ||
| I believe so. | ||
| I'll have to go over the story again. | ||
| I don't want to use for that. | ||
| Well, not just that. | ||
| The real problem with it is not just the fact they're catching people doing things. | ||
| Like, I'm all for you removing meth labs. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| The problem is you're also asking investigators to fake an investigation. | ||
| And when you do that, you're asking public servants to lie. | ||
| position, the position of law enforcement, you're asking them to behave unethically. | ||
| You know what the fucking laws are. | ||
| And, you know, if you catch someone doing something and you don't want to reveal the message in which you caught them, so you think it's okay to lie, well, that's a slippery goddamn slope. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That gets real slippery. | ||
| You're faking an investigation? | ||
| What else are you faking? | ||
| I mean, that opens the door to you faking evidence. | ||
| That opens the door to you faking a lot of shit if you think that a person is guilty and you can't prove it. | ||
| And that's always been what's said. | ||
| That's how OJ got off. | ||
| That's the whole Mark Furman thing. | ||
| That he might have, you know, people said he might be fucking planting evidence. | ||
| A lot of that shit is real. | ||
| We see it all the time. | ||
| There's a million videos on YouTube of cops that get busted planting things. | ||
| There's stories online that people get busted. | ||
| So that sort of mentality is extremely dangerous. | ||
| And that's why I'm against it. | ||
| Yeah, and that makes sense. | ||
| And, you know, I'm against it for what is basically a perverse reason. | ||
| It is just simply a dislike of this nosy cunt culture we have become. | ||
| And it makes me crazy. | ||
| So I like to see people... | ||
| I like to see people going, oh, when it's me, it's different. | ||
| And again, someone can sit down and go, well, don't you? | ||
| Of course I understand the difference between the government doing it and us looking at Tiger. | ||
| Of course I get that. | ||
| Well, you know, sociologists have an interesting take on what's going on. | ||
| And as far as our attraction to gossip and gossip magazines and TMZ-type things and celebrity gossip... | ||
| And what they're saying is that we are in a weird point in time where we have the largest populations, big giant populations, but we don't know each other anymore. | ||
| I mean, you live in New York City, you live in an apartment building, right? | ||
| How many people live in your apartment building? | ||
| 45 stories, a lot. | ||
| 45 stories of people. | ||
| How many is that? | ||
| Is it a thousand? | ||
| Five hundred, a thousand, maybe. | ||
| I just don't know. | ||
| Maybe a thousand people. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| Think about what a big neighborhood that is. | ||
| That's a massive neighborhood. | ||
| How many people in that fucking building do you know? | ||
| Literally my neighbor and a couple, maybe two. | ||
| Yeah, it's craziness. | ||
| So they're saying that we are missing a need for a community. | ||
| And we're missing, there's like a draw of like busybodying about each other. | ||
| It's like finding what the cultural parameters and boundaries are. | ||
| And establishing them by talking about shit. | ||
| And normally there would be like a village. | ||
| And everybody in the village would be like 50, 100 people, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And we would all kind of know each other's business and figure out what's cool and what's not cool. | ||
| But when you're in this weird situation where you don't even know the people around you, And then you're watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. | ||
| That fills the void where community should be. | ||
| That's why people are so goddamn attracted to quote-unquote reality shows as opposed to scripted shows. | ||
| Because they know when someone's being a dickhead, there's no script. | ||
| They're just being a dickhead. | ||
| And you're like, oh, that bitch! | ||
| I can't believe she said that to him! | ||
| And they're really drawn into it. | ||
| Because they're lacking a real community and a real established community. | ||
| Like, group of people that you interact with on a regular basis all the time in your village. | ||
| And plus, well, network TV do that to themselves by emasculating comedies and language and making everything so soft and wrapped up and palatable that reality now stands out so much more. | ||
| Part of that is a lot of it, probably what you're saying, and some of it is because the writing on regular television is so soft. | ||
| And that's, again, that's not, the writers are probably very good, but it's just such fucking predictable drama. | ||
| Dreck. | ||
| All of it is such shit. | ||
| There's a lot of shit. | ||
| A lot of it. | ||
| Those sitcoms especially. | ||
| They're the worst. | ||
| There's no honest language. | ||
| There's no honest interactions. | ||
| Everything is presented in a way that you know is going to be presented. | ||
| Have you seen the ads for the new Jackass movie, Bad Grandpa? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you seen them? | ||
| Holy shit, is it funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| I went to see Elysium last night. | ||
| And they had this ad for this Jackass film, and it's a film they did where they made up these scenarios and did all these little stunts, but they did them in front of real people. | ||
| So people had no idea why it was going on. | ||
| I mean, it is fucking funny. | ||
| Like, laugh out loud funny. | ||
| Because you don't realize as you're watching it, it's like, is this an act? | ||
| Like, what is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep going straight. | |
| You getting tired? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This isn't drawing so much. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Are we gonna get in trouble for this? | ||
| They won't notice a thing. | ||
| That's how it looks most of the time anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These are real people. | |
| So what they did is they had some scripted shit, and then they interacted with real people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| That's a great idea. | ||
| But watch some of the shit that goes on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh God. | |
| Nothing. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I'm hungry. | ||
| Follow my lane. | ||
| Is this okay grandpa? | ||
| They're gonna take that child away from me. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| You're very pretty when you're mad. | ||
| Thank you for being here today. | ||
| What's your stripper stage name? | ||
| I look like a stripper? | ||
| I'll just call you Cinnamon. | ||
| Wanna have some fun? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| You're a pretty little girl. | ||
| You got it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm one of these girls with a brilliant party. | |
| Is that weird? | ||
| We've just never seen it, so it's different. | ||
| Watch this I don't want to tell people who are listening to this what's happening because I could probably get in trouble for Look at the grandpa with the cash! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Made it rain. | |
| It's fucking funny. | ||
| I don't want to say anything. | ||
| Watch it on YouTube. | ||
| Watch the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| I didn't know about... | ||
| But what they did was, instead of making just another... | ||
| Am I on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What they did was, instead of making another goofy comedy, they made a hilarious thing where they did it in front of people and the people had no idea. | ||
| So it is like a movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real reaction. | |
| They do have like a Borat sort of a situation where they use real people as they're filming the movie. | ||
| They're going to have to do shit like that. | ||
| The same tired premises over and over again. | ||
| I haven't been to comedy in quite a while. | ||
| It's been a while since I saw one of those movies, date movies or whatever. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I know what's going to happen. | ||
| You're both going to get together in the end and everything's going to be funny and yay, haha. | ||
| I'm tired of it. | ||
| And everybody's tired of it. | ||
| That's why something like this comes along and it's just like, holy shit. | ||
| Feels different. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| It catches you off guard the way comedy is supposed to. | ||
| Or the way a film is supposed to. | ||
| It feels like, oh, this is fresh. | ||
| Did you see Borat? | ||
| I never saw it. | ||
| I saw parts of it. | ||
| I did see a lot of it. | ||
| I didn't love it. | ||
| I'll tell you why. | ||
| Because I love the Ali G show so much. | ||
| I didn't like the parts of it were scripted. | ||
| I liked the Ali G show where I believe it was all real people. | ||
| I didn't like the fact that a lot of it was scripted in Borat. | ||
| I didn't think it stunk. | ||
| I didn't really do much for it. | ||
| But they kind of had to do that. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure they did. | ||
| There were some very funny moments where he brings the bag of shit down. | ||
| There was a lot of stuff that really made me laugh. | ||
| It was amazing, man. | ||
| I love that kind of comedy more than anything. | ||
| His show, The Ali G Show, there's a lot of people today that don't even know that. | ||
| I wonder if he's going into hiding so that he can do it again. | ||
| It's really almost like that show will never be erased. | ||
| There's no way in this day and age you could sneak that past a publicist. | ||
| He needs another character that no one has seen before. | ||
| But it would not just have to be another character. | ||
| It would almost have to be another person. | ||
| Because the internet is too goddamn... | ||
| There's too much information about those things. | ||
| Well, you shoot them all first. | ||
| You shoot them all first. | ||
| You shoot them all and then you show them. | ||
| You don't shoot them week to week. | ||
| You could definitely do that. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to do like one season, right? | ||
| I know a lot about TV production considering I can't get shit on the air, don't I? It's amazing. | ||
| Fucking pontificating idiot. | ||
| Well, you were in Lucky Louie. | ||
| I was, yes. | ||
| Once again, somebody else does something and I just come along for the ride. | ||
| Fucking, I'll be riding shotgun, my name should be. | ||
| Your thing that you're doing that's scripted, is this something you created yourself? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And it's a sitcom? | ||
| It's like a single camera comedy about me being a comic and a sex addict. | ||
| I think it's funny. | ||
| I have like nine episodes written. | ||
| Who are you going to bring it to? | ||
| I brought it to a few different networks and they liked it, but the problem was that Louie's a comedian. | ||
| They're like, well, we don't want it because Louie's... | ||
| Which I get, so I changed it to being a radio show host, which I actually like a lot better. | ||
| And I've just been kind of frazzled with it. | ||
| I just haven't done anything with it. | ||
| I'm so stupid. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| I just, you know, I don't get this stuff done. | ||
| Like, I should get it done. | ||
| I have a manager. | ||
| I have a personal appearance agent, but I don't have an agent. | ||
| And we get as much done as we can. | ||
| Why don't you have an agent? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| You're so logical about other aspects of your life. | ||
| Yeah, well, see, you know, again, because I zone out sometimes, and I'm just fucking online, being a creep. | ||
| How much of your time is spent, like, being a sex addict? | ||
| So much, dude. | ||
| How much of your daily life? | ||
| It's hard to say, when I'm doing good, I'm doing good, but when I'm doing bad, there's been times where literally, I get home from radio at 11, and then all of a sudden, it's like, you know, I've eaten and stuff, but it's like, man, it's 8.30, I gotta go to work. | ||
| Like, the whole day was wasted. | ||
| It's like so many of those days, it's like being in a fog. | ||
| Plus, I don't sleep at all. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, I'm always tired because of fucking dumb sleep apnea. | ||
| You haven't done anything with your sleep apnea? | ||
| I've done two tests. | ||
| Literally, the only thing worse than a pedophile is a fucking sleep apnea test technician. | ||
| Those fuckers. | ||
| I knew what I needed, and I'll never forgive the woman for not testing me for it. | ||
| I needed an ASV machine which handles complex apnea. | ||
| And I'm finally going in for a test with a new company, probably within the next few weeks. | ||
| But I need a mask that fits me properly. | ||
| I need a custom-made mask. | ||
| And there was a place that did them in Dallas, but I can't find them anymore. | ||
| You lost weight. | ||
| Yeah, thank you, I did. | ||
| Did that make an impact on your sleep apnea? | ||
| No, because it really wasn't that. | ||
| It might have made the... | ||
| The obstructive apnea a bit different, which is when your throat closes up because of your tongue blocking it. | ||
| But the central apnea I don't think is affected by weight at all. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| When your brain just doesn't say breathe. | ||
| That's what's going on with you? | ||
| I have both. | ||
| It's called complex. | ||
| Obstructive is I'll lay there on my back and my tongue goes... | ||
| Yeah, that's me. | ||
| And I make that horrible sound. | ||
| But then there's times where I'm laying on my side and I'll just go... | ||
| And I'll wake up, and I'll realize I haven't breathed. | ||
| My body didn't try to breathe. | ||
| So what happens is I wake up with an intense itch somewhere, like in my neck or my stomach, or I have to piss, or I wake up like... | ||
| Because your brain sends adrenaline to your heart to wake you up because you're not breathing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And what is the cause of that? | ||
| Oxygenization of the blood. | ||
| There's something off with that. | ||
| They don't know completely. | ||
| The central apnea is a newer one that they're addressing. | ||
| Obstructive, they've done a lot with. | ||
| Central apnea, they don't know as much about. | ||
| The masks are okay, but it's hard to find a mask that you're totally comfortable with. | ||
| The ASV machine is a very advanced machine. | ||
| It monitors your breathing, and when I'm not attempting to take a breath, it will do it for me, and it will force the air in. | ||
| Whereas most CPAP machines just are patterned. | ||
| So they're kind of patterning your breathing just to keep your throat open so your tongue doesn't block it. | ||
| But the breathing... | ||
| So this ASV machine has to do that, and it has to calculate when your brain isn't trying to breathe. | ||
| It's a really fucking weird, frustrating situation. | ||
| Because I'm an insomniac anyway, so I can't fall asleep with the mask. | ||
| Do you think any of this has to do with... | ||
| Is there any psychological things going on? | ||
| Sure, I'm sure some of it... | ||
| The falling asleep part is... | ||
| Like... | ||
| When I'm acting out sexually, I don't sleep as well. | ||
| If I'm jerking off to videos right before, it fucks my mind up, man. | ||
| When I'm off sex shit for a week or so and I'm not jacking off and I'm not obsessing, it's like my brain goes, And I can breathe and think normally and live normally. | ||
| But when I am constantly fucking getting that dopamine drip... | ||
| Like, I literally was recently... | ||
| I kept jerking off before sleep and I wasn't coming. | ||
| I would edge. | ||
| I would get myself close and then stop. | ||
| And then get myself close. | ||
| And I realized this the other night. | ||
| I feel high. | ||
| I'm getting myself fucking high. | ||
| I'm like a chimp or a fucking gerbil going for a little fucking... | ||
| I'm going for this high feeling and then I can sleep. | ||
| It's sickening. | ||
| How long have you had this issue? | ||
| My whole life. | ||
| Your whole life? | ||
| Long before I drank, long before I did drugs, there was this. | ||
| The sexual shit... | ||
| The jerking off didn't start until I was 10 or 12 or whatever it was. | ||
| But the edging, I don't cum a lot of times because that's the end of the high. | ||
| That's the end of the road. | ||
| I just keep it going and I keep it going because then you don't know where it's going to go. | ||
| And I don't come for days or weeks on end because I'm like, well, we're a week on end, I should say. | ||
| Because when I come, I piss more because then my fucking prostate's all fucked up because I've been edging. | ||
| It's a disaster, dude. | ||
| Your prostate fucks up because you don't come? | ||
| Yeah, when I start and stop and start and stop and start and stop and then I finally come, then I have to piss like an animal. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I think it just fucks you up a little bit. | ||
| I don't know exactly what that is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have... | |
| But this is obviously something that you don't like about yourself. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| You know, I hate it. | ||
| But you joke around about it, and you make a lot of comedy about it. | ||
| Because it's there. | ||
| It's always present. | ||
| But have you ever thought about doing something to stop it? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Without a doubt, man. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| I would need to go to a certain 12-step meeting, which I've attempted to go to, or I've gone to, talk to people in those fellowships that get it and understand it and don't go, ah, you're just a guy being a guy. | ||
| Like, they get it, man. | ||
| Like, you know... | ||
| And I would have to just stop doing it. | ||
| It's really difficult because it's like you act out. | ||
| If I drink, I drink. | ||
| If I get high, I get high. | ||
| Of course, I don't do those things. | ||
| But sexual shit is thought. | ||
| Food is really hard because you have to eat to live. | ||
| But with sexual shit, if I start thinking it, that triggers stuff. | ||
| It's really, really difficult to not fall into that pattern. | ||
| I could offer you something. | ||
| I could offer you, I don't know if you could do it, but what you should think about doing is an ayahuasca session. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Ayahuasca is a shamanic session in Peru. | ||
| Usually they do it in Peru or Brazil. | ||
| You could do it in America, but it's not legal, where you're doing this combinatory psychedelic drug that allows you to look at your life and look at all the issues that you have that's wrong. | ||
| It's not a drug like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not a drug that gets you high and fucked up. | ||
| It doesn't get you fucked up. | ||
| It shows you what's going on with your life. | ||
| It'll show you all the... | ||
| It's the recidivism rate, like the rate of fixing recidivism in things like heroin addiction. | ||
| It's one of the best cures ever. | ||
| That and there's another one, another psychedelic drug called Ibogaine. | ||
| Ibogaine, if you know anything about Hunter S. Thompson, that's what he accused Ed Muskie of being on during the 1970 political campaigns, presidential campaigns. | ||
| He wrote some stories in the Rolling Stone saying that there was rumors that Ed Muskie had brought in a Brazilian doctor and he was high on Ibogaine. | ||
| Wow, I never heard of that. | ||
| But Ibogaine is actually a different kind of drug than what he was describing. | ||
| It's actually a self-reflective drug, massively effective at curing people with addictions. | ||
| I have a friend who had an OxyContin addiction, and he was really fucked up. | ||
| He hurt his back, started getting on OxyContin, then developed a real problem. | ||
| It's incredibly physically addictive. | ||
| And he did Ibogaine once, cured him of it. | ||
| He's never touched it since, and now he runs an Ibogaine center. | ||
| And helps people with it. | ||
| There's a problem with me, too. | ||
| A lot of it comes down to lack of willingness. | ||
| It's a lack of willingness to act. | ||
| Intellectually, I know what I have to do. | ||
| Yeah, but you have a pattern in your mind that needs to be reset. | ||
| And you could reset your mind slowly over time, or you could reset it in one big fucking dump of information, like a DMT trip or like an Ibogaine trip. | ||
| And I know you have this thing about not wanting to get high or not wanting to be intoxicated. | ||
| But I think you're thinking of a completely different effect than what you're going to get on this experience. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| It scares me too much. | ||
| You should be scared of what you're doing, though, too. | ||
| Because obviously you don't like it and you can't fix it. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| But I can fix it. | ||
| It's a lack of will. | ||
| There's a really weird thing. | ||
| I know what the answer is, and I just like it too much. | ||
| I like it too much. | ||
| They said to think of liking lust as weird, but I like it. | ||
| Okay, but let me ask you this then. | ||
| What don't you like about it? | ||
| I don't like the fact that it distracts me. | ||
| It's consuming. | ||
| I'm much more creative without it. | ||
| I'm much more connected without it. | ||
| When I'm on it, I see... | ||
| I'm always behind glass, and I feel like I'm not seeing any real human interaction at all. | ||
| So it just overwhelms you completely? | ||
| Completely overwhelming. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I make enough money where I can... | ||
| No, I can't be stupid, but if I want to get whores, I can get whores, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I do. | ||
| Do you think there's a way that you could ever just sort of manage it? | ||
| Is it a way where you can still indulge and enjoy a little bit of sex, but not let it overwhelm you? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I don't think there's anything about being kinky or having a relationship that's dirty. | ||
| I'm not looking to be, you know, I want to in and out through a sheet. | ||
| I just don't want to be, there's a difference between that. | ||
| You don't want to be obsessed. | ||
| I don't want to be obsessed with it and making it my whole point of existence. | ||
| Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you probably can cure it without a psychedelic experience. | ||
| But in the way you're talking about it, it sounds like a lot of other psychedelic, a lot of other obsessive, compulsive sort of things that psychedelics can cure. | ||
| Maybe it could. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't go to my free cams. | |
| Have you been there yet? | ||
| No, I go to clitty.com. | ||
| Who doesn't love some good cuckolding porn? | ||
| I challenge any man. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Cuckolding porn? | ||
| I have everything. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I wouldn't really want that, though. | ||
| A cuckold? | ||
| You wouldn't like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, I tell you. | |
| A big black guy to fuck your woman in front of you? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Never. | ||
| But I'll tell you what I like about the movies. | ||
| It's not necessarily the black guy fucking the woman. | ||
| It's the husband being there and filming it. | ||
| The dynamics of that is so... | ||
| If it's just a black guy fucking a woman, I don't really watch interracial porn because I can't relate to the cock in it. | ||
| But when it's the husband watching, it's all about the woman. | ||
| She's being so dirty and so inappropriate. | ||
| It makes me feel something. | ||
| And I think that's a problem is I'm so numb. | ||
| If I didn't do this shit for a while, then I get my dick sucked. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| But I fucking just won't leave my dick alone. | ||
| Oh, fuck it. | ||
| It's like my dick's like, forget it. | ||
| I'm there fucking wheedling my nipples and trying to get a fucking load out of it. | ||
| It's a disaster. | ||
| It's a disaster. | ||
| Yeah, you can get numb. | ||
| Totally numb. | ||
| So when I lay off for a while, then it feels good again, then I don't need to go there. | ||
| Then I don't need to go there. | ||
| But yeah, I do manage it to a certain degree. | ||
| Like, I'm more responsible than I should be considering how fucking far gone I am. | ||
| I mean, I'm much more careful than you'd think. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, that comes with being sober. | ||
| There are consequences I'm aware of. | ||
| Yeah, you've been sober since you were like 19, right? | ||
| 18 years old. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| You gave up on it real quick. | ||
| Yeah, but I knew. | ||
| You were like, this is not for me. | ||
| Yeah, if you rob three banks, and every time one of your friends gets shot and you go to jail, you're like, robbing banks is just not for me. | ||
| That's what it was with this. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Every time I do it, there's a problem, and it's only going to get worse and worse. | ||
| Well, I think that along the same lines of your obsessive thing with sex, you can get that obsessive with anything. | ||
| And it could be good, like you get that obsessive about stand-up. | ||
| I think especially if you go back to your early days, do you remember what it was like when you were first getting on stage? | ||
| It really was like a drug you were seeking. | ||
| It was a high... | ||
| The thing is, though, it doesn't turn me into somebody I don't like. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whereas when I drink, I'm an ugly, angry drunk. | ||
| I'm a violent drunk. | ||
| I'm a self-destructive, physically drunk. | ||
| Do you think you still would be after 20 plus years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know for a fact. | |
| Wow. | ||
| There's not a doubt in my mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I'm not giving the sobriety company line. | ||
| I just know how I think. | ||
| You know you. | ||
| And literally, after I shot Please Be Offended, which was over a year ago in Cleveland... | ||
| I wasn't happy with it. | ||
| And I'm like, I just wanted to hang myself in the closet. | ||
| And I was like, fuck, I put a belt up and I wasn't going to do it. | ||
| I knew I wasn't going to do it. | ||
| You put a belt up? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I knew I wouldn't do it. | ||
| This is not some psychotic cry for help. | ||
| I knew it wasn't going to happen. | ||
| But I was so mad at myself. | ||
| I'm like, you fucking stink. | ||
| That all I could think about was just that feeling of my fucking throat being cut off. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But I wound up editing the special with people and then liking it once it came out, like a little bit. | ||
| And then I saw it recently. | ||
| And I'm like, it was good. | ||
| Like, what's wrong with you, you fuck? | ||
| Like, I liked it a lot more. | ||
| This one I actually am very, very happy with immediately. | ||
| But the other one, it took a while, and I think I had just been doing the material a little longer than I should have, and by then I was done with it. | ||
| That does happen. | ||
| How long had you been doing that material for? | ||
| How many years? | ||
| Not too, too long. | ||
| A couple of years. | ||
| Two years? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| But this one I shot ten months later. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| I was ready to get this one. | ||
| I still miss the material now. | ||
| I loved doing it. | ||
| But I know how crazy I think and irrational in moments. | ||
| It's why I don't own a pistol. | ||
| It's why I don't... | ||
| Because I know I would have that one moment that you can't take back. | ||
| Yeah, I have real similar problems. | ||
| I don't think it's as extreme as you. | ||
| I don't have a problem with drinking or with drugs. | ||
| But I do have a lot of extremity. | ||
| I have a lot of impulses and a lot of craziness. | ||
| But I keep it under wraps. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I have to work out. | ||
| I work out on a regular basis. | ||
| I need discipline in my life in order to keep order. | ||
| But if I got like that, whether it was... | ||
| Jerking off or if I got into a drug or it became like super impulsive like that I'd like to think that I would be able to pull myself back because I'm objective because I look at myself and I'm self-analyzed a lot but but I'm not that confident It's one of the reasons why I've never touched anything really addictive Besides alcohol, which isn't addictive to me, but I've never fucked with anything that could get you. | ||
| Anthony's a fun drunk. | ||
| Anthony Cumia is a fun drunk. | ||
| I am not a fun drunk. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| You're so much different than you were when you were 18, too. | ||
| That's very true, but because so many of these other feelings are still there. | ||
| I'm the drunk that all of a sudden, after four beers, my nose is down, but my eyes are up. | ||
| Remember in The Shining when Nicholson's wearing the maroon coat? | ||
| That's the look I have. | ||
| And I just don't trust it. | ||
| And the price to pay is just too much and it's not worth it. | ||
| Hey, nobody knows better than you. | ||
| My friend Tate's the same way. | ||
| He says, I can't. | ||
| He can't do anything. | ||
| He can't smoke a joint. | ||
| He goes, it might be great, but then I might wake up three days later not knowing how the fuck I got there. | ||
| And I don't miss it. | ||
| But I don't knock it either. | ||
| Like, you smoke pot and you have a horrendous career. | ||
| You're driven. | ||
| You're, I think, the best announcer in sports. | ||
| You have an amazing pot. | ||
| Like, literally, your life is very, very professional and functional and healthy. | ||
| You have a wife and kid. | ||
| Like, you do all these things and smoke pot and, like, for you it's cool. | ||
| If I could do that, gladly. | ||
| But I can't. | ||
| I just, I know I can't. | ||
| Not for any, you know, whatever. | ||
| We're just wired differently. | ||
| Everyone's wired differently, and people need to really recognize that. | ||
| I think it's a really important point. | ||
| For me, pot, it helps me. | ||
| Keeps me calm, makes me nicer, makes me more relaxed. | ||
| See, I wouldn't be productive, Stone. | ||
| Like, you're productive. | ||
| You smoke a joint and come in and talk for three hours. | ||
| If I took two hits of that, I would just look at the microphone. | ||
| Fucking dunce. | ||
| I would do nothing. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't need it. | ||
| For whatever it is. | ||
| For me, it gives me a perspective that's not available without the pot. | ||
| Obviously, I can get introspective. | ||
| I can think about things deeply without any help. | ||
| I don't need any marijuana or drugs. | ||
| But when I take them, I often feel like there's windows that are open that wouldn't be open ordinarily. | ||
| Carl Sagan had a quote about that. | ||
| Let me see if I can remember it because it's a fascinating quote because Carl Sagan is one of my favorite all-time science cats. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| This is what he said. | ||
| I'm convinced that there are genuine and valid levels of perception available with cannabis and probably other drugs which are, through the defects of our society and our educational system, unavailable to us without such drugs. | ||
| It's an interesting quote. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's just me. | ||
| It's probably correct. | ||
| For me, marijuana lets me know what I actually want. | ||
| Like, it sounds ridiculous, but when I get high, if I enjoy something when I'm high, then I really enjoy it. | ||
| But if I get high and I'm like, ugh, get me away from this fucking thing. | ||
| Usually, that's my actual feelings about it. | ||
| Whether it's with people, or whether it enhances... | ||
| How I already feel about certain people. | ||
| It enhances how I already feel about food or about sex. | ||
| But that's just me. | ||
| It took me until I was 30 before I realized that pot even worked for me. | ||
| Before that, I thought it was all for idiots. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| And again, I wish I could do it successfully, but I'm okay with the fact that I can't. | ||
| I would like to manage the sex shit better because I'm a better person when I'm not doing it. | ||
| I'm a more connected person. | ||
| I care about people, but I can become very uncaring and very distracted and very distant when I'm in that mode because it's addiction. | ||
| It's like any other addiction. | ||
| You're not present. | ||
| I hate that it makes me not present. | ||
| That's the big point, and that's what people who don't have an addiction will kind of never understand. | ||
| I've had many addictions. | ||
| I've had a lot of video game problems, behavioral type shit that really is just like a drug addiction. | ||
| It becomes an addiction. | ||
| A video game addiction might as well be a drug addiction. | ||
| And it's really similar to a sexual addiction. | ||
| It focuses you on something outside. | ||
| It's a zone out. | ||
| Sometimes it's just the zone out. | ||
| It's just the feeling numb, the numbness. | ||
| And it's like I like to think and I like to create and I like to fucking sit at my computer and write. | ||
| This is how a fucking pervert – like when I wrote my books, the second book especially, I wrote at the Comedy Cellar. | ||
| I would come up with stuff and I would write it in the cellar because I was surrounded by people so I couldn't jerk off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I had to be in a public place to sit on my laptop and write. | ||
| Like, you know what I mean? | ||
| I would just be in the corner writing because I could do enough instant messaging where I'd talk dirty. | ||
| So I could get a little dopamine drip, but I couldn't go the extra route, which was to fucking yank out my dick and just fucking sit. | ||
| My dick's soft. | ||
| I'm just yanking it against my dumb stomach. | ||
| Zone out, zone out, zone out. | ||
| Click, zone out. | ||
| Nothing real. | ||
| Nothing feeling good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many times a day would you say? | |
| I wouldn't even come. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Have you ever thought about taking a laptop and disabling the Wi-Fi connection? | ||
| You could do that, you know? | ||
| You can, but I needed it for research, and I liked it. | ||
| Dang, with the fucking research. | ||
| Well, I know this is because I was bashing public figures, so I had to. | ||
| Oh, while you were writing? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I had to. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And sometimes you need that for reference, and I also like the distraction of it because it puts less pressure on me Like, even if it's on watching Black Sabbath videos. | ||
| Like, I'll go on YouTube and watch Sabbath live in fucking Melbourne again, because I feel like watching Ozzy sing God is Dead for the 5,000. | ||
| And that will distract me from it, and then creatively, like, oh, okay. | ||
| It allows me to step away for a second mentally, because I'm just forcing myself, you know, write, write, I can't write. | ||
| Have you ever thought about trying some other form of discipline, like yoga or something along those lines? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I would say that yoga would keep you from being a sex addict, but the fucking head of Bikram's is getting sued like a motherfucker for rape and sexual assault and driving a Rolls Royce, a bunch of shit. | ||
| This guy's a fucking crazy gangster. | ||
| You ever seen pictures of him? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen one photo of him. | ||
| But look up Bikram sex scandal, something like that. | ||
| He dresses like a pimp. | ||
| Like, literally. | ||
| How do you fucking not become a sex addict when the girl in front of you is wearing cellophane pants and her fucking cunt is jumping out at you? | ||
| Looks like Al Jolson's face. | ||
| How do you not get turned on by that? | ||
| That's not him. | ||
| Is that him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's not the image I was thinking of, but that's a good one. | ||
| Just thinking about him slinging that Indian dick all over that room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Yoga is good. | ||
| I've tried Bikram. | ||
| Working out has helped a little bit. | ||
| I feel better about myself. | ||
| I'm more comfortable and confident. | ||
| I'm not where I want to be, but I'm much better than I was. | ||
| I feel like I see results. | ||
| I bet if you did yoga four or five days a week, you could fucking hold on. | ||
| I bet you could hold on a lot better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get a guy roommate take off all the doors in your place. | |
| Probably. | ||
| No, you guys could just be jerking off in front of each other after a while. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| We'd just sit back to back like a fucking rom-com poster. | ||
| Jerk off looking at the same laptop. | ||
| Yeah, do you think that prisoners, do they not jerk off because there's other prisoners around? | ||
| No, they just fucking do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They give up after a while. | |
| Well, you talk to guys who worked at prisons, and they'll say they're peeking in the cells, and dudes are just jacking it, like, looking right at them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Monster rain. | |
| They don't care after a while. | ||
| Yeah, you just get used to it. | ||
| They just give up. | ||
| You just get used to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The human mind is so strange as far as, like, what really, like, gets us on a track. | ||
| And now it's so difficult to get off that track. | ||
| And that obsession, like, they just constantly wanted to find another video or another video or another video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it's a weird thing, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do that shit all day long, too. | |
| To me, it's maybe five or six times a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those cam sites and these... | |
| These amateur video sites like Submit Your Flicks, it's just gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's nonstop. | |
| Yeah, you're just not as self-aware as he is. | ||
| You're not trying to fix yourself. | ||
| He's realizing he's a mess, and you're like, I'm perfect. | ||
| I usually try to do it right when I wake up, where I didn't wash my hands good enough, and I was at Starbucks, and I had a little bit of lotion still on my hand when I was paying for my stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, good for you. | |
| Fuck that. | ||
| Good boy. | ||
| Good for you, fuck that. | ||
| Yeah, fuck for washing the lotion off your hands. | ||
| Get it to the guy and stop it. | ||
| He's not going to thank you for the tip anyway. | ||
| You guys are both disgusting. | ||
| You're going to talk about the times you slimed people. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I can't jerk off in the morning. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I'm not sexual. | ||
| I'm too busy clearing out my sinuses and my phlegm. | ||
| Yeah, nothing. | ||
| I don't want to fuck in the morning. | ||
| I don't want to talk. | ||
| I smelled your load once, remember? | ||
| You picked it out of your belly button. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Stuck your finger in it from the night before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're welcome. | |
| Stuck it in front of my nose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're welcome. | |
| Woo! | ||
| It's one thing if you smell your own, which is pretty disgusting. | ||
| But when you smell other people's... | ||
| I know I'm a disgusting person when I jerk off and I don't even bother cleaning up. | ||
| I just wipe it with my underwear and put them right back in my underwear. | ||
| And then I get up in the morning and take a leak and I smell... | ||
| It's usually on the road. | ||
| It's maintenance jerking off. | ||
| And then I get up in the morning on the road to piss and I lift up the toilet and pull my dick out. | ||
| What is that smell? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sour milk. | |
| Yeah, like the banks of a fucking polluted river. | ||
| It's all clumped up in the hair. | ||
| So gross. | ||
| Yeah, I'm very smooth, so I wipe it right off. | ||
| Wipe it right off. | ||
| Yeah, it comes right off. | ||
| If you could fix one aspect yourself, though, that's the thing that you would like to get on track, huh? | ||
| Absolutely, because I think it stops me career-wise. | ||
| Like, I have a good career where I enjoy where I'm at, but it allows me to stagnate on a level... | ||
| Where I should not be stagnating. | ||
| And it permits me to be comfortable where I shouldn't be comfortable. | ||
| And it's like a little safety, it's like a little security blanket where it shouldn't be. | ||
| Have you thought about getting maybe like a cock lock or one of those chastity belt locks where it has a key and you just get a key? | ||
| He would love that. | ||
| It would turn him on. | ||
| Yeah, I'd find something about that. | ||
| I would just get Mistress to put a strap-on on and spit on me. | ||
| Believe me. | ||
| There's always a way. | ||
| Do you still like that shit? | ||
| You're in a dominatrix. | ||
| Yeah, they're sexy. | ||
| I haven't in a while, but they can be very sexy, sure, if they're good. | ||
| If they know what they're doing. | ||
| You just like the whole dirtiness of it, right? | ||
| Absolutely, man. | ||
| I love the perversion. | ||
| I love a woman who can read me. | ||
| Every guy wants to be owned, whether you're dominant or submissive. | ||
| And when a woman can read me and anticipate what I want... | ||
| I love that. | ||
| He's getting so fired up! | ||
| But it's hot, man. | ||
| Can't you just enjoy that, though? | ||
| Why does it have to be an obsession? | ||
| Is there a balance that can be achieved here where you can just enjoy the sex and sexuality and just not tweak on it all day? | ||
| It's greed. | ||
| It's being greedy. | ||
| It's wanting, as they say, more than my share. | ||
| It's wanting more than my share of pleasure and more than my share of experiences. | ||
| It's walking to a candy store and not picking a candy bar. | ||
| It's grabbing for everything and then shoving it into my fucking face and then crying that I have a stomachache. | ||
| But you've got enough discipline to work out and lose all this weight. | ||
| Like, you've changed your body over the last six months or a year or so, right? | ||
| How much weight have you lost? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, in the last year, I'd say close to 30. Your face, your body, everything looks totally different. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I think I'm like 146 now, 147. I was at one point, I was tapping out a lot in the 160s, hitting 170s. | ||
| At one point, a couple years ago, a few years ago, I was in the 180s. | ||
| I saw some pictures of myself. | ||
| Oh, what a fucking oinker. | ||
| That was really disgusting. | ||
| But it's good to remember that stuff. | ||
| And I feel much better. | ||
| But my eating is still not perfect, you know. | ||
| But it's nice, though, to get that under wraps, right? | ||
| You've handled that one aspect of your physicality. | ||
| You've got that out of control. | ||
| Yeah, but I have at least a pattern that's healthy for it. | ||
| I go to trainer sessions at least three, sometimes four days a week. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, maybe you could figure out a way to just get another pattern. | ||
| Isn't that something your mother told you? | ||
| Replace something bad with something good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She did. | |
| Dr. Phil said that. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| My mother on my second CD had left me that voicemail, and she was right. | ||
| Jimmy, why don't you go to the gym? | ||
| You meet a nice girl. | ||
| And she was right. | ||
| I have a fucking fart brewing right now. | ||
| I'm going to do it in the car with Jonathan. | ||
| It's going to be fucking putrid. | ||
| Hang it in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Much bigger you are in this picture. | |
| This was in Vegas when Opie and Anthony was in Vegas. | ||
| So what year was this, like 2003? | ||
| Yeah, but I have a lot fatter than that. | ||
| Look up, I mean, that was even, that was bad. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's me and Deacon Jones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that photo. | |
| Yeah, I was a fucking pig there. | ||
| That was in Vegas too, right? | ||
| He was hanging out with us in Vegas, I remember that. | ||
| That was a fun show, that Vegas show. | ||
| Was that Vegas or California? | ||
| That was a California poker thing. | ||
| The poker thing. | ||
| That was when Anthony was playing, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fun times. | ||
| And Opie stepped on Ed Asner's cake, theoretically. | ||
| Theoretically. | ||
| Metaphorically. | ||
| Ed Asner called him a destroyer. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, it was funny. | ||
| That was really fun. | ||
| Those shows that you guys used to do, how come you guys stopped doing them? | ||
| Those big comedy shows. | ||
| Well, we lost Terrestrial Radio, which I was happy for, but it became harder to do, and it became harder to get guys booked. | ||
| It just went away. | ||
| The merger happened, and things changed once we merged. | ||
| There were disadvantages to it, and there were advantages to it. | ||
| You know, I like being in our old studio at XM. The thing about Sirius I like is the guests we can get are much better because they're already in the building, so a lot of times we get people that we would not have gotten ever. | ||
| You know, there's been some great... | ||
| We're open to a much larger group of people now. | ||
| So, you know, the good with the bad. | ||
| Do you know what your numbers are? | ||
| No idea. | ||
| I probably could find out, but I don't ask because I just don't want to know because I don't want to be disappointed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I just, I don't know. | ||
| I know I have a decent amount of followers and a decent amount of fans. | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| No, but I mean as far as like how many people listen to Opie and Anthony every day. | ||
| I don't even know how we'd find that out because there's no Arbitron diaries. | ||
| I think they do, but they don't want to tell us how to negotiate. | ||
| How could they know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because it's probably... | |
| They send out surveys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's tuned in. | |
| You have to be tuned into that frequency or that channel. | ||
| No, it doesn't tell you that way. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| I think through a lot of times they could do listener surveys, which I guess work like Arbitron Diaries, but I don't know, man. | ||
| So antiquated, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, it's shitty. | ||
| I really think that if you weren't on it, you would have the biggest fucking podcast in the world. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think you'd have a huge podcast. | ||
| I feel like I've been, and I'm not fishing. | ||
| I really mean, I feel like I'm boring when I talk too long. | ||
| I just can't, I fucking would be out of my mind. | ||
| I like to snipe. | ||
| I like to fucking sit there and watch fucking Greg and Tony do the heavy lifting, and I pipe in with, like you said, the fucking quick shots, or I fucking, I'm the fucking sniper in full metal jacket. | ||
| I'll just shoot a few bullets and then sit back and let them do the heavy lifting, and I like that. | ||
| Well, you guys have a great relationship, too. | ||
| You guys have been doing it together so long. | ||
| But I think if the three of you bailed together, I think you could maintain the exact same amount of income. | ||
| I think it would be the exact same amount of people listening, if not more. | ||
| I think that's the future. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There is the Opie and Anthony podcast. | |
| Yeah, I was just about to bring that up. | ||
| Yes, we do have the podcast. | ||
| And how does that work? | ||
| It's on iTunes and a lot of times it's best of the week, plus a couple of old bits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the cool part. | |
| Yeah, there's an old bit in there. | ||
| It's basically just to get people, because they don't want to give away content either. | ||
| It's just to get people who have heard of the show to check it out and see if they like it. | ||
| But a lot of times the fans already have the content because they've heard it already. | ||
| Well, I'm going to tell you this, man. | ||
| If it wasn't for you guys, I don't think I would have ever started a podcast. | ||
| And if it wasn't for Anthony doing Live from the Compound, Brian and I would have never started doing that Ustream show, the show that kind of started it out. | ||
| And before that, what was it? | ||
| Justin TV? We did a few of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Green Rooms? | |
| Yeah, we did a few of those in the Green Rooms. | ||
| We kind of had an idea of doing something like this a long time ago. | ||
| But seeing... | ||
| Anthony Do It from his place really motivated me because Anthony set up a green screen and put a professional desk in there and had professional microphones and cameras. | ||
| I mean he really went balls out. | ||
| He told me he spent like a stupid amount of money to convert the downstairs of his house into a recording studio and this is a guy who already has a fucking full-time gig. | ||
| And if you've never seen Live from the Compound, he did some with his ex-girlfriend, Melissa, where he would get fucking shit-faced hammered. | ||
| He would do karaoke while holding a machine gun. | ||
| Oh yeah, I love that. | ||
| He was hammered! | ||
| And he would take calls. | ||
| I called in once. | ||
| I was watching, I was like, this is amazing. | ||
| And he was just hammered. | ||
| Hammered, drinking wine, holding it up. | ||
| Loving it. | ||
| Well, the fun thing is he accomplished all that and he built that studio. | ||
| All this while, like you said, doing a full-time gig and drinking like William Holden. | ||
| And I'm fucking jerking off and I can't get myself to fucking motivate. | ||
| That's humiliating to me. | ||
| I've watched Anthony build that studio. | ||
| I'm like, look at what he's doing. | ||
| I can't even rearrange my apartment. | ||
| I fucking just stagnate. | ||
| Start and don't finish. | ||
| I fucking hate it. | ||
| Yeah, I had always had this idea to do something like that after seeing him do it. | ||
| His thing was so interesting because at the time when he was doing that, nobody was doing something live on Ustream, like professionally. | ||
| He would have different backgrounds. | ||
| He could have a background that was like the city. | ||
| Because the green screen, he could switch the background and turn it into whatever the fuck he wanted, which was so badass. | ||
| It's a great idea. | ||
| And when he does it, when he eventually just turns it on and pots up the mics. | ||
| Anytime he wants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just goes downstairs and hits a switch, and boom, you know? | ||
| And then Brian set up the place at the Ice House, and that's like the natural progression of setting this place up. | ||
| I need a technical partnership with somebody. | ||
| I need somebody in New York who can technically, like when I come up with an idea... | ||
| Yeah, obviously, but then Rich would intellectually just take it and make it so much better as well. | ||
| His intellect would dominate it. | ||
| What can't Sirius? | ||
| Don't they have sound guys? | ||
| No, I don't mean with that. | ||
| I mean with somebody independent. | ||
| Because I want to do a talk show. | ||
| I love interviewing people. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| And I want to do that. | ||
| Well, that's what a podcast is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| But I want to do it on TV. I want to do it on TV if I can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you did. | |
| You let it out. | ||
| I couldn't help it. | ||
| It was beginning to cause me great pain. | ||
| It was like a secret. | ||
| So I would like to do that on TV. So you want to do it on, like, FX or something like that? | ||
| Well, FX has Kamau Bell. | ||
| Nah, they have him five nights a week now. | ||
| They would have no interest in it. | ||
| But I mean like that, something like that kind of a show. | ||
| Sure, I'd love to. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I think it's a fun thing to do, and I would like to do it. | ||
| Yeah, that does seem like a fun thing to do. | ||
| And you would have access to a lot of really fascinating people by doing something like that, too. | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| And again, I like to talk to people and interview them. | ||
| It's fun to do. | ||
| It's really fun to... | ||
| We were talking to Ben Kingsley one time. | ||
| I'm like, how great is this? | ||
| He has to answer my questions. | ||
| If I bumped into him at a fucking Oscar party, he'd spit on me. | ||
| But here he is sitting next to me going, oh, yes, yes, because he doesn't want to look bad. | ||
| That's the cool part about it. | ||
| Yeah, and especially if they come in specifically to sit down with you for X amount of time. | ||
| You know, you could really dig into somebody if you're talking to them for an hour, two hours, or whatever it would be. | ||
| Yeah, I think, you know what would be great if you did like a Bob Costas type thing? | ||
| Remember Bob Costas had Later with Bob Costas? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And it was just real simple. | ||
| It was like him at a desk with a person who'd sit down with them for a full hour. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't know if I can hold the audience for an hour. | ||
| I want to do sketches too that I pre-shoot. | ||
| Like I have some things I wanted to do. | ||
| So you want to essentially host a Tonight Show type situation. | ||
| Yeah, but nothing that quite that structured or that, you know what I mean? | ||
| It would have to have a much different feeling than that. | ||
| But would you want to do it like Showtime style, uncensored? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| So that's what you'd want to do. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just say whatever I want. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta do it on Showtime then, or HBO, either one of those. | ||
| Or a bunch of other cable channels, where there's a couple of language issues, but not many. | ||
| Like, there's a million channels now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're starting to open up, and a lot of people don't realize the FCC doesn't control cable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They only control broadcast television, NBC, CBS, that kind of shit. | ||
| When you get to cable, they essentially self-impose. | ||
| For the advertisers, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some of them, that's why, like, The Shield was able to say, shit, and asshole, and everybody was like, what the hell? | ||
| They didn't go fuck. | ||
| They don't go as far as fuck. | ||
| But they can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you like The Shield? | |
| Spike did. | ||
| I never saw The Shield. | ||
| I heard it's great. | ||
| Loved it. | ||
| I'm a Wire fanatic and people tell me you'll like this. | ||
| Have you ever seen The Wire? | ||
| I only watched a couple episodes of The Wire. | ||
| I need to get back to it. | ||
| People always tell me that it's the greatest show ever. | ||
| It's my favorite show ever. | ||
| It's a masterpiece. | ||
| I think Game of Thrones is my favorite show ever. | ||
| I love Game of Thrones too. | ||
| The Wire's better? | ||
| I thought so, yeah. | ||
| It was realistic about drug dealing, and I just, I loved it. | ||
| And I love the characters. | ||
| I'll check it out, little Jimmy. | ||
| And your special, when does it come out? | ||
| August 23rd, thank you, on epics and epicshd.com. | ||
| You can get, just sign up for a trial if you want to watch it online, if your cable provider doesn't carry Epics. | ||
| Where'd you record that? | ||
| I shot it in... | ||
| It looks like the tabernacle in... | ||
| Oh, that's in... | ||
| No, it's in Somerville, Mass. | ||
| Somerville? | ||
| A couple weeks before the bombing. | ||
| I wish it was after the bombing because I would have addressed it. | ||
| Would you really? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I would have mocked the bombers. | ||
| Yeah, I was talking about those fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I was talking about kicking their mother in the cunt and fuck them. | ||
| Yeah, I was bashing them. | ||
| Kicking their mother in the cunt. | ||
| Yeah, her womb is a terror camp. | ||
| Yeah, I had a whole bunch of fun with that. | ||
| They're shitty fucking brothers. | ||
| So it's on Epyx. | ||
| When's the date again? | ||
| August 23rd. | ||
| And it re-airs a lot. | ||
| And if you get the trial online, you can watch it whenever you want. | ||
| Ah, beautiful. | ||
| And I'm happy with it, man. | ||
| So that's Epyx.com? | ||
| EpyxHD.com. | ||
| EpyxHD.com. | ||
| And Jim Norton on Twitter is Jim Norton. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So follow him, you dirty fucker. | ||
| you fucks. | ||
| And JimNorton.com is finally going up. | ||
| It's been too long. | ||
| You're an honest motherfucker, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| And you're a really fun guy. | ||
| I really enjoy talking to you and like I said, I really appreciate your intelligent take on that debate about jokes and rape jokes with Lindy West. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I thought that was really important. | ||
| And I think it was really important that you did it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I actually liked her too, and I'm not saying that to be polite. | ||
| I genuinely liked her, and we talked after on the phone, and she's actually really nice. | ||
| She's not some psychotic man. | ||
| I bet she is. | ||
| You know, I think that a lot of our takes on these things, a lot of the interaction that we have, whether it's blog to blog or Twitter to Twitter, it's such a limited way of communicating. | ||
| And a lot of these same people that we have disagreements with online, if we sat down with them in a rational, sort of normal setting like this, and just talked... | ||
| We would probably see each other's point a lot better and have some healthy discussions about these things as opposed to these snipe attacks that people like to do in blogs or in Twitter and go back and forth with each other. | ||
| one-way interactions. | ||
| When I say something and then you say something. | ||
| And, you know, when you communicate with each other, a lot of times you can get to know someone a lot better. | ||
| That's why I like that conversation. | ||
| It was, you know, you could tell there was some real discourse going on there. | ||
| Regardless of which Alright, that's it, fuckers. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And thanks to Squarespace.com. | ||
| Go to Squarespace.com and use the code word JOE and the number 8 all together, one word, JOE8, and save yourself some cash, son, on a beautiful, self-constructed website. | ||
| And remember, it's super easy to do, so easy that they'll let you try doing it first before you even use your credit card information. | ||
| Thanks also to Audible.com. | ||
| If you go to Audible.com forward slash Joe, you will get one free audio book and 30 free days of Audible service. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| We are also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| I'm trying to do Uncle Creepy this week. | ||
| That's Ian McCall. | ||
| I'm going to see if I can get him in here before I take off from Boston. | ||
| And we've got some other people in town too. | ||
| Maybe Brian Callen wants to do one as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I drop a date real quick? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm going to be with Tony Hinchclip in Stand Up Live September 26th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can go to StandUpLive.com. | |
| That's in Phoenix, Arizona, you freaks. |
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