July 24, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:10:47
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hey, fuckers! | ||
| What? | ||
| The show's on right now. | ||
| We're live tweeting at the same time. | ||
| Hey, bitches. | ||
| Sweet, sweet bitches. | ||
| When I say bitches, I mean that with no disrespect. | ||
| Some of my best friends are bitches. | ||
| As a matter of fact, all of them, at one point in time, I've called a bitch. | ||
| If I don't call you a bitch at one point, bitch, please. | ||
| Or, come on, bitch, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| If I don't say that at least once in our relationship, I don't feel close to you. | ||
| Do you know what I'm saying, Duncan? | ||
| Then we are really tight. | ||
| We're tight as fuck, dude. | ||
| Bitch. | ||
| by LegalZoom. | ||
| If you have a situation like you want to become incorporated, you want to become an LLC, you want to make a will, you want to handle some standard legal stuff, most of the time you got to go to a lawyer. | ||
| You got to make an appointment, go somewhere, sit down, talk to some dude or a woman, give them a ton of money, and it's very frustrating that you can't handle that stuff on your own. | ||
| LegalZoom, though, allows you to handle most of those types of transactions, like wills, like becoming an LLC. All those things you can do online, naked, okay? | ||
| You don't even have to be sober. | ||
| You could be playing with yourself. | ||
| You could have your cock in one hand and a mouse in the other, and no one can stop you, man. | ||
| They can't tell you what to do. | ||
| They don't own you, okay? | ||
| If you go to their silly little legal box, the legal box, we have to say hi to the lady that sits at the desk and wants to fucking jump off a bridge. | ||
| You have to say hi to that chick bored out of her skull. | ||
| And then you have to give up credit card information, your address, and your this and your that. | ||
| And then you wait for the guy to let you in. | ||
| And then, oh, Jesus. | ||
| And then somebody coughs on you as SARS. Oh, Brett Duncan? | ||
| That's not what happens. | ||
| Anyway, LegalZoom.com. | ||
| Go there, check it out. | ||
| Use the code JRE and save yourself some money. | ||
| Is it JRE? No, LegalZoom is Rogan. | ||
| Rogan. | ||
| Which one's JRE? They really should all be universal. | ||
| Stamps.com is JRE. Yeah, use the code name Rogan and save yourself some money. | ||
| It's an excellent service. | ||
| Brian has actually used it, although I, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wouldn't really bring that up. | |
| They can do things for you. | ||
| And they can also get you in touch with a legitimate, independent attorney. | ||
| If you get along the process... | ||
| I've done this before with certain things where you're going over some fine print of something. | ||
| You're like, okay, I gotta stop here. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. | ||
| This shit just got deep. | ||
| I just went into deep water. | ||
| Well, if you feel that way... | ||
| LegalZoom can connect you with an independent attorney. | ||
| And LegalZoom is not a law firm. | ||
| They just offer you legal services online that you can do yourself. | ||
| They will guide you through it. | ||
| But if you get confused, they will hook you up with an attorney. | ||
| Use a codename ROGAN. Save yourself some money. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Stamps.com. | ||
| If you've ever bought any of those Desquad kitty cat shirts that Brian Redband sells, and there's a new one on the way out, it's available right now for pre-sale. | ||
| If you go to Desquad.tv, it's my favorite yet. | ||
| It's pretty dope-alicious. | ||
| And it's much higher quality than the other ones with the ink is like printed into the shirt itself instead of being like a plastic decal. | ||
| They're very cool. | ||
| Brian sells all of those himself. | ||
| He makes them himself, has them printed, and then actually sends them out himself. | ||
| So if you get a box from Brian Redman, it's been touched by his DNA. | ||
| It's healthy. | ||
| I mean, it's not dangerous DNA, but, you know, you could convict him of something if you wanted to, like, take that box, and he licked things on there, and you could say, this motherfucker licked my ass, and just stick it on your ass, then go directly to a doctor, and then they swab your ass with a cue. | ||
| My point is... | ||
| Stamps.com is a simple way of sending things through the mail with just using your own personal computer and a printer. | ||
| Instead of going to the post office with a box of shit that you're trying to sell and having it all weighed out, you can do it all at home. | ||
| You also have a wonderful opportunity to save some money. | ||
| If you click on the old-school microphone in the upper right-hand corner and use the code JRE, you get a $115 value. | ||
| Which includes a free digital scale and $55 of postage credit. | ||
| It's an excellent service. | ||
| And it makes things... | ||
| Is it fun? | ||
| It's fun to get stamps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Print it all up on your printer. | ||
| That was Duncan Trussell. | ||
| He's strange. | ||
| But I love him. | ||
| Anyway, use the code JRE at stamps.com and save yourself some money. | ||
| An excellent service. | ||
| One that we fully endorse here on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. | ||
| This episode is also brought to you by Onnit. | ||
| And this is the last sponsor. | ||
| I swear to the baby Jesus. | ||
| On it, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive nootropic... | ||
| Most people don't know what the fuck you're talking about when you say nootropics. | ||
| What nootropics are is essentially vitamins that enhance the way your brain functions. | ||
| It gives you all the fuel that you need to create neurotransmitters. | ||
| The building blocks, if you will. | ||
| Very controversial stuff. | ||
| Read up on it, but one thing that I can tell you with... | ||
| We've already done the first in a series of double-blind placebo tests and had excellent results with AlphaBrain. | ||
| So that was a big relief because you take something and even though you read a bunch of shit that says it does really good and even though you read all these positive results and even though you read even peer-reviewed evidence about the actual ingredients that are in AlphaBrain, Until you get your own double-blind placebo study, people don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| Unfortunately, we did it with 20 people, and four dropped out. | ||
| It's not enough to have a full-blown study, so we're going to do another one. | ||
| But the point is, the results were positive, and it was done the correct way, double-blind placebo style. | ||
| And it showed improvements in memory, improvements in cognitive function. | ||
| We'll explain it all once the piece is published. | ||
| But it's a huge weight off my back and a lot of other people's back. | ||
| Because, rightly so, whenever someone comes out with something that says it's a brain-enhancing supplement, people start thinking about all those big dick pills that you see in those porn ads that don't really work. | ||
| You start thinking about a lot of other snake oil-type situations. | ||
| I personally have been using nootropics, though, for a long time. | ||
| I started out with... | ||
| Bill Romanowski's Neuro One. | ||
| It's a combinatory thing like this. | ||
| You mix it, you make a drink out of it. | ||
| I read about it, and Bill Romanowski was a football player. | ||
| He started making that stuff and using nootropics after dealing with head injuries from concussions from football. | ||
| It's a fascinating topic that most people are kind of ignorant about. | ||
| But if you're interested in it, I suggest you pursue it because there is definitely some fruit at the end of that tree. | ||
| Can I pipe in for a second? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not sponsored by Onnit for some reason. | ||
| I don't know what I did to offend the Onnit company. | ||
| But I can honestly say because I have no financial stake at all. | ||
| In fact, I've been rejected by the company that I love. | ||
| I take AlphaBrain and what Joe won't say is it's speed. | ||
| It's good speed. | ||
| It's like low-level Adderall. | ||
| I don't get that at all. | ||
| I don't get that at all. | ||
| That's not what the function of the nutrients inside of it are designed to do. | ||
| It gives me a very good... | ||
| When I say speed, I don't mean bad. | ||
| I mean, that's good. | ||
| It's like a nice buzz. | ||
| You take it and you feel awake. | ||
| I like taking it all day when I have it. | ||
| I go through the jars. | ||
| Within three days, they're just gone. | ||
| Well, it depends. | ||
| It gives you weird dreams. | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| I took a nap today that was like Jacob's Ladder. | ||
| Alpha Brain. | ||
| And I swear, I was in an airplane sucking on the feet of this woman who was flying the plane. | ||
| She was flying the plane? | ||
| Yeah, and I was like laying under her, sucking her feet. | ||
| I had an Alpha Brain Dream the other day. | ||
| I tweeted about it. | ||
| It was about Bobby Collins, the comedian, was doing a talk show out of his apartment, and in the opening montage of his talk show is Sam Kinison's comb-over, and it's flying around the air getting pelted by meteors while it's flying around. | ||
| Just explosions. | ||
| His comb-over is flying around in the sky, and the meteors are hitting his comb-over. | ||
| It was the most nonsensical, ridiculous, you can't make this up dream. | ||
| And I woke up in the middle of it because my alarm went off and it was one of those where it's like you're right in the middle of REM sleep and your alarm wakes up and you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, that is good. | ||
| I think that was one of the best pieces of at least anecdotal evidence that AlphaBrain actually was working. | ||
| It was doing something. | ||
| The uniformity of the reports of people saying that it affected their dreams in a very radical way. | ||
| Why are you making everything, Paul? | ||
| Go to Onnit.com. | ||
| There's a lot of other shit we sell, including kettlebells, these primal bells that are kettlebells with awesome designs carved into them. | ||
| We hired a special effects designer to make an angry chimp. | ||
| We've got a gorilla coming out soon. | ||
| We've got a bunch of really cool designs in the future. | ||
| We sell a bunch of healthy shoots. | ||
| Testosterone powders. | ||
| Well, it enhances your body's ability to produce testosterone. | ||
| All of these things also, all these controversial things, they're all explained with science and references on Onnit.com. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN, save 10% off. | ||
| Duncan Trussell's here, and we're finna get our freak on. | ||
| Yo! | ||
| Hello. | ||
| Hey, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| All day! | ||
| It's so nice. | ||
| I worked all day. | ||
| Did the show all day. | ||
| And this never feels like work. | ||
| This always feels like... | ||
| The podcast? | ||
| Yeah, the podcast. | ||
| It's not work. | ||
| I mean, it is and it isn't. | ||
| It's never. | ||
| I mean, if you start thinking this is work, there's going to be a lot of coal miners who think you're a cocksucker. | ||
| Duncan Trussell on TV today. | ||
| Ooh, crazy. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kind of freaking out. | ||
| I've noticed. | ||
| I thought you would handle it well, but you're not. | ||
| You're kind of tweaking a little bit. | ||
| I'm excited! | ||
| How do I not be excited about this? | ||
| No, I'm just fucking with you. | ||
| No, you're handling it very well. | ||
| I mean, it's exciting, and it's like, thank you for getting me on the show. | ||
| Thanks for doing it. | ||
| You made it a lot of fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so cool that you did that. | |
| That's a cool thing, man, to usher your friends into something like that, because it's been such a freakish year for me, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like, in the beginning, it was fucked up. | ||
| Balls snipped off. | ||
| For folks who don't know, you got cancer of your balls. | ||
| Ball got snipped. | ||
| They took one of your testicles home. | ||
| They threw it away. | ||
| I always wonder where it is. | ||
| It's in a cat's litter box somewhere. | ||
| But it's great because the year culminated in being out in the Pacific Northwest with you high as a fucking kite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hunting for Sasquatch. | |
| It really was like, well, this is great, man. | ||
| This is definitely one of the coolest years of my life. | ||
| That was so fun, man. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| It really is like we've made this life inside of a simulation. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| When you actually have a job where you get to go... | ||
| We went to Utah last week looking for UFOs and giant bulletproof wolves... | ||
| These people, they see wolves that turn into mist and disappear and fucking show up on top of barns the size of a horse. | ||
| Yeah, bulletproof wolves the size of a horse. | ||
| We're having so much fun. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| We're talking to so many crazy people and so many really interesting science-y people, too. | ||
| Yeah, it's spun me around, that's for sure, man. | ||
| It's definitely spun me around in a lot of ways. | ||
| It's helped me understand... | ||
| How religion starts. | ||
| It's helped me understand delusion. | ||
| It's helped me understand the part of myself that is delusional or the part of myself that is either too eager to disbelieve something or too eager to believe something. | ||
| That's where my pendulum swings. | ||
| And in that middle place, people don't like that middle place. | ||
| That's my spot. | ||
| People don't like it there. | ||
| Because that middle place is the mystery. | ||
| People don't like that feeling. | ||
| That's where I live. | ||
| That's my spot. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's cool to get there, but goddammit, that's no fun. | ||
| I like to be there with my life, too, though. | ||
| I like to be there with my life. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I do so many different things at the same time. | ||
| I don't like to be comfortable that much. | ||
| I mean, I like to be comfortable in friendships, and I like to be comfortable in relationships, but as far as work stuff and life stuff and my pursuits, whether it's competition or exercise, I don't like to be comfortable. | ||
| I think that's the enemy. | ||
| I like to be plenty comfortable when I'm home and I'm lounging and chilling with my family or hanging with my friends. | ||
| I love being comfortable with them. | ||
| But other than that, I don't like it. | ||
| So when it comes with an idea, like an idea of what is or isn't, what is or isn't possible, that middle spot of the pendulum where it's all weird, that's my favorite spot. | ||
| Because I like when you're in a situation and people go, Bigfoot! | ||
| You believe in Bigfoot! | ||
| And then you bring a guy like Jeff Meldrum, that guy that we talked to, that anthropologist, who has got a PhD, an expert in human movement, and he starts explaining things like the metatarsal break that you find in these footprints that indicates it's built like a gorilla's foot, not like a human foot, because human beings don't have... | ||
| And then you see this break and he demonstrates it, and then you start going, huh... | ||
| You're talking to a fucking smart dude that believes his shit. | ||
| Like, this is weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then we asked him if we'd be willing to cut off a pinky. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A pinky toe. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's where it got weird. | ||
| You have to watch the show, Duncan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't. | |
| You don't have to watch the show. | ||
| I can't watch myself on TV. Oh, you can. | ||
| You were great. | ||
| The... | ||
| That place is a very Zen place, man. | ||
| That's like this Zen Roshi I met when I went on this Ram Dass retreat. | ||
| That's what she kept saying again and again. | ||
| It's live in the mystery. | ||
| That's where we belong. | ||
| It's in the mystery. | ||
| You're not going to know what happens after you die. | ||
| You're not going to figure that out. | ||
| And the place of like the Zen place or the Buddhist place or the non-attached place to be is a place where you are... | ||
| It's not that you don't know or do know. | ||
| It's some other state of just, I guess, being at the crest of the wave of the universe articulating itself as you. | ||
| Yeah, and what's important when I say that I like to be in the mystery, what I really mean about that is if it's a mystery. | ||
| And there's some shit that's not a mystery at all. | ||
| And that's also a part of the thing. | ||
| It's recognizing what is an actual mystery. | ||
| And when you do find it, like the nature of reality, if you get to one of those weird ones, the possibility of a universal power that's controlling the world and moving it into a certain direction... | ||
| The idea that this is all some sort of a mathematical program and that good and evil and sex and love and all this different shit, good and bad, all sort of make sure that this thing keeps moving. | ||
| That's the real mystery. | ||
| It's not chemtrails, okay? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's not ghosts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's plenty of mystery. | ||
| The real mystery is, does every decision that you make literally branch off and start a whole new reality and a whole new universe that you live in? | ||
| Because sometimes it feels like that, and I'm not sure, and I don't think you're sure either. | ||
| When someone tells me they're sure, or they're sure it's not, or they're sure it is, either one of those, it's unacceptable. | ||
| Because you can't be sure. | ||
| There's things that you can't be sure in. | ||
| Those things are really weird, and it's hard to get comfortable in those things. | ||
| It's hard to get comfortable holding on to those ideas and pondering them because a lot of them, the implications, they transfer through your entire life. | ||
| The implications are, well, if you really are building up a career but you're just a part of the ether and you're part of some sort of a gigantic superorganism, why are you concentrating so much on yourself? | ||
| Why are you twisting your mustache at the end with wax? | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| Why are you buying $2,000 shoes that you hope somebody notices? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What is going on? | ||
| Are those things distracting you from the mystery? | ||
| Well, I mean... | ||
| It seems like there's two parts to a person, which is the part that is the personality, the conditioning, everything you've learned, all the tricks that you've learned from other people, a lot of imitation, you know, a lot of observing things and imitating them and forgetting that you imitated them. | ||
| There's probably personality components in us that we picked up in the fourth grade from some kid we thought was cool and just forgot about it and it stuck inside of us. | ||
| And so then, there's this idea that we're kind of like, the human body itself is a hive. | ||
| And it is a hive within which dwell all these different bees. | ||
| And the bees are all the different aspects of our personality. | ||
| We're not one person. | ||
| We're a harmony of personalities that are always sort of rotating through. | ||
| Because if you think of the you and you're really pissed off, Whenever you're yelling at someone or in a state where you find yourself in a confrontational place, and then you think of the you when you're chilling at home with your family, that's like two different people, you know? | ||
| That's the idea, is that there's all these different parts of us that are rolling through all the time, always rolling through, and that we are constantly working to uphold the continuity of being by acting in certain ways all the time. | ||
| And quite often you'll hear, like if you're in a relationship or something, someone will say like, Yes. | ||
| a while. | ||
| And people that don't have a good transition between those, those are the people we call multiple personality disorder people. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| How many Abbies are in there with you, Abby? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And you see when people say that they're channeling or when people are, quote, demon-possessed. | ||
| Really what's happening is one of these personalities that has gotten shoved way deep down in the dark part of the hive has managed to claw its way out. | ||
| And it's so different than all the other ones that people are like, this guy has got a demon in him. | ||
| When really the truth is we're just this cluster of selves that are all sort of like... | ||
| I heard there's this mystic named Gurdjieff who described it as like a mansion where all the servants are running amok. | ||
| So it's a mansion where all the servants who are supposed to have certain jobs in certain areas where they work in the mansion have just lost... | ||
| have forgotten what they're supposed to be doing. | ||
| They're all going crazy. | ||
| And so the modern person is wandering around with this kind of constant... | ||
| Chaotic stream of personalities that aren't disciplined in any way. | ||
| And so the beginning of spiritual life or the beginning of discipline, martial arts, whatever the thing is, is where the master of the house returns. | ||
| And that's considered the personality that develops once you control all those different facets of the self. | ||
| And that's what you become, is the master of the house who's gone away. | ||
| And while he was away, all of the servants went nuts. | ||
| And that's what happens when you get drunk. | ||
| Like, eh, the master's not here anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo-hoo! | |
| Hey, yeah, all right. | ||
| Your underwear over your face. | ||
| Let me see your tits! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, where's my keys? | ||
| Yeah, and it's also why you have to be compassionate to people. | ||
| If someone around you has been a dick to you... | ||
| Some really stupid people, when someone's addicted to them, will never forgive them. | ||
| For the rest of your life, you'll be like, remember the time you said that to me? | ||
| It's like, well, that was just a part of me that came out. | ||
| That's not me. | ||
| That's not the totality of me. | ||
| That's just somebody who managed to get to the window and scream something. | ||
| That's a real problem, those people that want to bring up shit that happened a long time ago over and over and over again. | ||
| And just always use it as a button to get sympathy. | ||
| Like, that's not good. | ||
| That's not healthy for you. | ||
| It's not healthy for them. | ||
| It's not healthy for anybody. | ||
| Like, people that can't let certain things... | ||
| I mean, there's certain things you shouldn't let go, you know? | ||
| Like, if you were in a concentration camp and Hitler killed your family, you'd be like, hey, dick, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember when he killed my family? | |
| But if you like, you know, if you yelled at someone because you didn't want to get up and take out the trash, like, let's, you know, let that go. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta let it go, mostly. | ||
| You gotta just let it go if you can. | ||
| It's hard, though, man. | ||
| I mean, I ruminate over shit that people have done to me sometimes. | ||
| Like, I'll find myself ruminating, which is such a waste of time. | ||
| Dude, I had Graham Hancock. | ||
| I Skyped with Graham Hancock on my podcast today. | ||
| Oh, that's beautiful. | ||
| He blew my mind, man. | ||
| That guy is so goddamn smart. | ||
| He's got a book out now, a fiction book called War God. | ||
| War God. | ||
| Yeah, and he's really excited about it. | ||
| When he starts talking about history... | ||
| It's amazing because you feel like you're with somebody who has actually lived during that time. | ||
| When he was describing Mayan sacrifices, when he starts talking about that, it's not like reading it in a history book. | ||
| Like when he talks about the jagged flint tools to slice open the chest. | ||
| I'm not even doing it. | ||
| I don't know what accent I'm doing. | ||
| It's a terrible accent. | ||
| Terrible accent. | ||
| But the thing he was talking about today, and it was inspired from talking about his book, is this idea, a Gnostic idea, which is Gnosticism is this weird philosophy that believes that It's a terrible accent. | ||
| That everyone worships currently in all the different religions, the Christian God, the Muslim God, any God that's being worshiped is actually an evil force known as the Demiurge. | ||
| It's something that is Where does this concept come from? | ||
| Gnosticism. | ||
| Well, I know what Gnosticism is, but this concept of that is from Gnosticism? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's the Demiurge. | ||
| And the Demiurge created humans. | ||
| So humans are all the children of the Demiurge. | ||
| Humans are the children of this force, which is kind of the spirit of matter, that is all about dominance and fear and control. | ||
| What a crazy idea! | ||
| And that's why people overwhelmingly throughout human history, there's never been a period of time where no one's done anything evil. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| There's never been a period of time, as far as we can tell, as far as written history, there's never been a period of time where nobody controlled anybody, nobody hit anybody, nobody murdered anybody, nobody stole anything, nobody raped anybody, nobody beat their kids. | ||
| There's never been one time where like, nothing happened bad for like a year. | ||
| Everybody was just hugs and love and kisses. | ||
| But yet, we hold on to this idea that, well, people are mostly good. | ||
| We're basically good. | ||
| People, in their hearts, all people are basically good. | ||
| But if you look at the totality of the behavior of human beings, and you factor in the time of utmost peace, the time of ultimate peace, It's a zero. | ||
| There's zero percent ultimate peace in the totality of the human race. | ||
| It's never happened. | ||
| Yep, that's right. | ||
| You occasionally get that in a household. | ||
| You occasionally get that in a community where there's just mild disagreements. | ||
| They try to keep it to a little bit of shit talking behind people's back. | ||
| But then as you spread out and you get into cities, there's no cities where nobody gets robbed. | ||
| No. | ||
| They don't exist. | ||
| And religious communities? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to talk about some fucking stink holes, dude. | ||
| I'm reading this book by John Krakauer called Under the Banner of Heaven, which is about fundamentalist Mormons. | ||
| Do you know about this? | ||
| No. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Is that like the Jeffreys guy? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| The Jeffreys, which was the Jeffreys guy? | ||
| The Jeffreys guy was the guy that just got arrested. | ||
| He was the polygamist. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| So here's the way it works. | ||
| There is, in this book it talks about, I can't remember the town, but there is an area that is run completely by a guy named Uncle Rulon, or was run by this guy named Uncle Rulon, who is a Mormon fundamentalist. | ||
| These people are rejected by the mainstream Mormons because the government came in at one point and said, you guys can't be polygamous. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| And so they had to renounce polygamy. | ||
| And this was something that, according to this book, Joseph Smith said was the essence of Mormonism. | ||
| It's one of the most deepest, most important parts of Mormonism is that you have multiple or what they call a plurality of wives. | ||
| Plurality. | ||
| That's a good word. | ||
| So, and here's the thing. | ||
| This is why you need a bunch of wives. | ||
| If you are a fundamentalist Mormon, you are only supposed to have sex with your wife when she's ovulating, which means if you only have one wife, you're only going to have sex a few times a month. | ||
| Once a month. | ||
| I don't know when women ovulate. | ||
| Once a month. | ||
| If you have 15 wives... | ||
| You can fuck every night. | ||
| So it's very important to have as many wives as possible because then you could have sex with them all the time and they're always humping. | ||
| And a lot of these guys have so many children. | ||
| I can't remember which one it was. | ||
| It might have been Uncle Rulan. | ||
| I can't remember which one. | ||
| Had so many children that they named them... | ||
| According to the year. | ||
| So if you were born in like 1979, your name would have an A. So it would be like Annabelle, Angus, Ari, and then you would know what year your kid was born in by the first letter of his name. | ||
| That's how many kids they're having. | ||
| So then you have girls, and your girls get to be the age of 14, and you've got a pal. | ||
| Like if I had a 14-year-old kid and I was a fundamentalist Mormon, I'd be like, Why don't you marry my daughter, Lori? | ||
| She just started bleeding. | ||
| And then I would give her to you and you would immediately start fucking her. | ||
| And so that's what they're doing out there. | ||
| It's just like herds and packs of pregnant teenagers that have been impregnated by these older dudes who have so many wives. | ||
| And this shit is... | ||
| I think it's still going on today, man. | ||
| there's whole communities dedicated to this polygamist lifestyle which is a lifestyle that Joseph Smith said was one of the most important aspects of Mormonism according to this book. | ||
| The other thing about Joseph Smith, do you know what he did before he founded Mormonism? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What? | ||
| He was what was called a treasure seeker. | ||
| And so you would use magic stones to peer through that would show you where secret treasure was buried. | ||
| And there was a huge lawsuit against him because he convinced all these people that he could find buried treasure. | ||
| Well, that was also what he said about the golden tablets. | ||
| Yeah, that was the next step. | ||
| He said he could use a seer stone and see it through a magic rock. | ||
| That's how he could read the golden tablets. | ||
| Before he was doing the seer stone and the angel Moroni, before he was using the seer stone and the angel Moroni came to him, he was actually getting work convincing people like, hey, look, I've got a magic rock and I can find your silver for you. | ||
| because there was like a guy who hired him because he knew that there was some silver hidden up in the hills somewhere. | ||
| And Joseph Smith went around with like quartz, looking through the quartz. | ||
| And finally, after like three months of hiring him by the month, they took him to court. | ||
| And they're like, hey, this guy can't really find treasure with that rock. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's out there looking every day. | ||
| Wouldn't you have loved to have seen a video of him talking, of Joseph Smith talking and explaining his strategies and what he does and what Mormonism is all about? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I just love that idea of... | ||
| That here's a man who was, look, come on. | ||
| Let's just admit it. | ||
| Here's a man who's just basically like a classic con artist. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| You're really telling people you can find treasure with a rock. | ||
| No one's ever found treasure. | ||
| That's something like when I was in the third grade that I would lie about to a kid in the playground or something. | ||
| But this guy was making money off of it. | ||
| It's just very interesting to see something grow roots and flourish in the way that Mormonism has when just with a very simple investigation into the... | ||
| You've got lawsuits. | ||
| There's written records against Joseph Smith because he was taken to court for lying to people. | ||
| For being a codman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the angels really did take the golden tablets. | ||
| He really is the one. | ||
| He really did find the lost work of Jesus. | ||
| He really can look at it with a magic rock. | ||
| And for him, it was always a magic rock. | ||
| Yeah, magic rock. | ||
| That was his angle. | ||
| Magic rocks. | ||
| But meanwhile, when we were in Utah, we were in Utah the other day, and Duncan and I show up, and when we arrive, there was these hordes of people that were waiting for these elders. | ||
| And the elders are the young kids that go away on a mission. | ||
| All Mormons, when they're young, they're supposed to go on these recruiting missions as elders. | ||
| Where they go, they wear a suit and tie, and they go to third world countries, or wherever they go. | ||
| Some of them go to their world countries, and they recruit people. | ||
| And so these guys were returning from their missions, and they were all dolled up in their finest suits and with their ties on. | ||
| And when they showed up, people would just scream and cheer. | ||
| For Duncan and I, it was so strange, because we're like these weird heretics that are walking through them. | ||
| We're high. | ||
| We've got coffee in our hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're not even allowed to drink coffee. | ||
| And so, by the way, they're also one of the highest per capita users of antidepressants because of the fact they're not allowed to drink, they're not allowed to take coffee. | ||
| They are allowed to take prescription medications. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| They just chomped at shit. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah, it's really weird. | ||
| Especially when sober people, people who are really into sobriety are chomping on Xanax and shit. | ||
| What's the difference between that and booze, really? | ||
| I know a woman who criticizes pot on a regular basis. | ||
| She's very ignorant. | ||
| She criticizes pot. | ||
| She takes a Xanax every night to go to sleep. | ||
| She cannot sleep without a Xanax. | ||
| She'll take a Xanax and that's how she goes to sleep. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's a very confusing issue. | ||
| Drugs are bad. | ||
| That's why I love Terrence McKenna's breakdown of that, where he's like, come on. | ||
| Every morning, we are brewing a fucking drug. | ||
| We wake up every morning and we have machines designed to extract... | ||
| Alkaloids from coffee beans that we put into our bloodstream before we go to work every morning. | ||
| And that's not looked on as strange at all. | ||
| Not only that, every labor contract is negotiated with a break for this drug in it. | ||
| The coffee break. | ||
| Yeah, but that doesn't count. | ||
| So when you tell people, like, wait, no, really, the entire planet or North America wakes up, slurps back a drug every morning just to get ready to go to their jobs. | ||
| And then they take, what are they called? | ||
| Coffee breaks. | ||
| Coffee breaks. | ||
| If you heard someone like, hey, I'm going to go take a cocaine break, do you mind? | ||
| You'd be like, well, you got a fucking problem. | ||
| Well, how about the fact that they're taking Xanax to go to sleep and then they get drunk on the weekends? | ||
| Well, yeah, you add on top of it, they're getting drunk, they're taking Xanax. | ||
| Xanax is very popular nowadays. | ||
| It's very popular. | ||
| I understand why. | ||
| Have you done it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's it like? | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| You just like go to instantaneous, like an instant relaxed. | ||
| I'll try to think of a description of it. | ||
| Okay, think about a night when you've had a really good show, and you wake up the next morning, and you're laying in bed, you've had a good sleep, you're not hungover, and that dawning realization, like, man, that was a good show last night, but you're still relaxed and laying in bed, and you're like... | ||
| That's what Xanax does for you? | ||
| Oh yeah, it's like the opposite of any kind of anxiety or any kind of tightening up you might have. | ||
| It gets rid of that. | ||
| But I've noticed that there's a bit of a residual effect with it. | ||
| It's not a clean drug, at least it hasn't been for me, where a couple of days after you take it, you feel kind of greasy and weird. | ||
| And when I've taken Xanax, I've gotten the hiccups, which is really strange. | ||
| The hiccups? | ||
| Yeah, I'll start having Xanax hiccups. | ||
| The way I've heard it described is that it alleviates a lot of your anxiety, but then it's almost like a rubber band. | ||
| It snaps back and gives you more anxiety than you had before. | ||
| My friend who takes it, he takes it almost every day, and he really can't get along without it. | ||
| He needs it for anxiety. | ||
| He tells me when he gets off of it, he gets really freaked out. | ||
| What the fuck is anxiety, man? | ||
| Reality? | ||
| Reality? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The reality of your life. | ||
| The reality of your body. | ||
| This guy who is addicted to it, who takes it every day, he's also overweight and he also drinks too much. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's got issues. | ||
| And so I don't think he likes to address those issues. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so instead of addressing those issues, he says he has anxiety. | ||
| Man, there's certain things, though, where anxiety is unavoidable, man. | ||
| I just think there's certain times that emerge in your life where anxiety is not all... | ||
| A lot of the time it's an indication that you're fucking up. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But sometimes it's just a natural reaction to life. | ||
| Life itself. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Life itself, the inevitability of your demise. | ||
| There's no getting around it. | ||
| The ruthlessness of the day-to-day grind can also give you anxiety. | ||
| The idea that even though it's Friday and you're off of work, oh my god, I'm going to have to go back there on Monday and I'm going to work eight to nine hours, whatever I have to do, including over time, and then I'm going to do it again on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, and then on Thursday, and then on Friday again, and then I'm going to get a little break again. | ||
| And during that break, I've got a lot of shit to do, so it's not really a break. | ||
| And just that alone, as it accumulates over time, then you start to accumulate bills and you start to accumulate responsibilities, social responsibilities, physical responsibilities. | ||
| And the pressure of all that can freak you the fuck out because it's a never-ending, just a line of ants that goes on for millions of miles. | ||
| They're all tasks. | ||
| Every ant that you see in front of you, every dot, just like a million pages is all things you have to do. | ||
| Things you have to read. | ||
| If you have a job, a regular job, especially, that's one of the reasons why you should never, if you can avoid it, never have a job. | ||
| I mean, if you need to have a job, get a job. | ||
| But if you can find something that you love to do, you don't have a job. | ||
| Then what you are is a lucky fuck. | ||
| And then what you have is a cool gig. | ||
| You know, like whether if you're a comedian or a chef or a carpenter, something you love. | ||
| You know, a guy who builds motorcycles, he loves it. | ||
| He goes to work. | ||
| Programmer. | ||
| Yes, anybody who loves doing what they're doing. | ||
| That truly is the key to this life. | ||
| And everybody says it's going to be different. | ||
| Your love is going to be different than my love. | ||
| You can't really judge. | ||
| You can't judge what people like, what they don't like. | ||
| You can judge what you like and don't like. | ||
| But, you know, it's like music tastes or taste in food or anything. | ||
| Things are weird. | ||
| You know, things are weird and we vary wildly. | ||
| Yeah, I want to mention the idea that I've been thinking about. | ||
| It's called a temporal... | ||
| Temporal peripheral vision. | ||
| The temporal periphery. | ||
| So like humans develop peripheral vision to deal with predators so that it's something to our side. | ||
| We could see a predator coming and so we have this kind of like side view that helps us out. | ||
| It's a very important thing. | ||
| Some animals don't have that. | ||
| They can only look straight forward. | ||
| But we can see off to the side a little bit and that's a super important evolutionary trait. | ||
| Well, we also have the exact same thing, but it's a temporal peripheral vision where we can think about the past and we can think about the future. | ||
| And anxiety is always related to things that we're looking at in the temporal periphery. | ||
| Nine times out of ten, if you come into the present moment... | ||
| you won't feel anxious. | ||
| You could be sitting in a doctor's office about to go get your CAT scan, and if you could really pull yourself just into the moment and what's happening there, you wouldn't be, you'd be 90% less afraid. | ||
| But the moment you step past that sliver of the present moment, that light beam, and into the darkness of the future, that's where the anxiety pounds your fucking ass, man. | ||
| It's like touching an electric fence. | ||
| Because things are always fine. | ||
| If you really look at it, things are always fine. | ||
| Up until the zombie rips your intestines out of your stomach, things are generally pretty okay. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So that's the real conundrum and I think that's the thing that is so perplexing about it being a human being is you know that you're carrying around with you the ultimate treasure, which is the present moment, but you can't stay in it. | ||
| You don't have the discipline to stay there. | ||
| Fully. | ||
| You're always wandering off into the future, always wandering off into what you have to do, what's coming tomorrow, what's coming in the next few minutes. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's so curious that right there in front of us is the ultimate Xanax. | ||
| That's why the shallow feelings of materialism. | ||
| You know, what is materialism? | ||
| Well, it's fixating on objects to fill up your attention span. | ||
| Fixating on them instead of all the other shit that you could be thinking about. | ||
| Instead of designing your own personal philosophy for life. | ||
| Finding out what you like and don't like about your past behavior and incorporating it into the present. | ||
| Living in that moment, being aware of what's happening and managing it correctly. | ||
| All that's too much. | ||
| So you start thinking about the future. | ||
| I'd love to have a house that's like 6,000 square feet. | ||
| I want to have 50 acres of land. | ||
| I want to be on top of a mountain. | ||
| I want to have gun ports. | ||
| Gun ports. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You start thinking about shit because if those motherfuckers come, I'm going to be ready. | ||
| Instead of being right there in that moment. | ||
| Or you start thinking about what a piece of shit you were when you were a little kid and you used to yell at your mother. | ||
| You can start thinking about weird shit and it can fill up your present. | ||
| And it's part of being a human being is managing the thought that you hold on to. | ||
| Managing what you gravitate towards. | ||
| It's so hard to do if you just got fired from a job. | ||
| It's very difficult to see the silver lining. | ||
| You're like, shit, that feeling of getting just fucking kicked out of a job and someone doesn't want you working anymore. | ||
| You're a failure. | ||
| You failed. | ||
| You're like, oh, God. | ||
| It's so hard to go, come on, let's go out and have a good time. | ||
| You don't want to have a good time. | ||
| You feel fucking terrible. | ||
| Because it's also... | ||
| There's a dance going on. | ||
| A balancing act, if you will. | ||
| And that balancing act is... | ||
| You gotta learn from the fuck-ups. | ||
| And the only way you really learn is to feel like shit. | ||
| And it's best if you feel like shit for a while. | ||
| Because then it really sinks in that you can't show up an hour late every day. | ||
| You can't smell like whiskey after your lunch break. | ||
| You can't yell at your boss because you gotta have a hangover and you're crabby that day. | ||
| You can't do those things because you can get fired. | ||
| And when you get fired, it fucking sucks. | ||
| But every time I've ever gotten fired in my whole life where I fucked up and I got fired, I made like an evolutionary jump as a person after that. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Every stupid thing that I've ever done that's resulted in disaster has always made me a million times better. | ||
| And why is that? | ||
| Because you have a terrible feeling and you don't want to have that feeling again. | ||
| So it's forcing you to really focus on whatever the hell it is. | ||
| Well, this is the... | ||
| I mean... | ||
| It's something that you don't want to accept. | ||
| You want the universe to be something that's more gentle or something that's more compassionate. | ||
| But it really does seem like a huge portion of what makes people great is their ability to overcome internal difficulties or external difficulties and failure. | ||
| And that's something... | ||
| That when you're failing, it won't give you any, it won't help you. | ||
| When you're failing, thinking like, oh, this is, I guess this is helping. | ||
| I guess it does relieve some of the pain of the thing when you realize that you're in a kiln and the failure is the heat that's sort of transforming you into something. | ||
| Yeah, I think that the feelings are there. | ||
| They serve like an evolutionary purpose or a purpose that's in line with progress. | ||
| A purpose that's in line with moving forward and taking things to a next level. | ||
| Which is where we always feel at our best. | ||
| I always find that one of the reasons why I try to do a lot of things at once is because I like figuring things out and I like when things get better. | ||
| I like when a joke that I'm working on becomes better. | ||
| I like when it grows and becomes real. | ||
| I like when you write something down and then you add to it and then it becomes better. | ||
| I like getting better at a skill like a martial art or a game. | ||
| I love getting better at video games. | ||
| It's a great feeling. | ||
| And if you're not getting better at things, if you don't have some sort of improvement and movement, if that's not the general trend that you find your life in, I find that I don't feel happy. | ||
| I find that that greatly affects my happiness. | ||
| And I also find that's one of the most difficult things to achieve if and when you have a job that you don't enjoy. | ||
| Because the majority of your time and focus during the day, they take all your best hours, man. | ||
| You think about what a job is, a nine-to-five job. | ||
| They take the hours that you are the most awake, the most tuned in, the most aware, the most focused on the world. | ||
| So if you want to figure out how to get out of your job, you've got to take your weakest time. | ||
| That's all they give you. | ||
| They give you your time where you're the most tired and most likely to sit in front of the TV and the most likely to just have a beer, the most likely to take a nap. | ||
| They give you those times. | ||
| And they say, alright, you want to get out of this fucking system? | ||
| Here's your time. | ||
| Well, this is why I like chanting and I think chanting is a fantastic tool that you can use in those times because chanting is something that you can do... | ||
| At work to get fired? | ||
| No, you do it in your mind. | ||
| You don't say it out loud, but in your mind you can start doing a mantra. | ||
| You definitely don't have to say mantras out loud. | ||
| You can just say it in your mind so that in the midst of when stress comes, you can actually start training yourself to start doing a mantra inside of your mind. | ||
| But you can't do that if you're working. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| If you have to interact with people, you have a job. | ||
| You can do it while you're talking to people. | ||
| I'm doing it right now. | ||
| I can do it right now in my mind. | ||
| I can definitely right now. | ||
| How are you doing that if you're going to concentrate on what you're doing? | ||
| Because it's something... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can do both? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Multiple personalities? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which Duncan am I talking to right now? | ||
| Do you think you could give something your full attention, like a job while you're chanting in the back of your head at the same time? | ||
| Honestly, the next time you find yourself in the midst of working, doing some mundanity of whatever it is... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Watch, become mindful, and you will see that some percentage of you is focused on the task at hand. | ||
| But then another part of you is always thinking, always thinking, always processing, always a whole other conversations always going on in people's minds. | ||
| It's an inevitability. | ||
| And some people have more focus than others, but in general, there's always that part of the mind that's like an electric wire in a puddle that's just sort of skipping around and spraying out random thoughts. | ||
| Well, that's the part of your mind that chants. | ||
| That's the part of your mind that you begin to train to start doing a mantra, which is like a simple mantra, so that that thing, if you can, instead of it being like, oh man, what the fuck? | ||
| God, I hope the CAT scan doesn't mean I have cancer. | ||
| Jesus Christ, man. | ||
| I wish my jizz was wider. | ||
| I fucking hate that song. | ||
| Whatever your mind is stupidly spraying out, you start training. | ||
| When you can, it would go, rom, rom, rom, rom. | ||
| It's like throwing a dog a bone. | ||
| Why rum rum rum? | ||
| Is it just a sound? | ||
| That's a mantra that people recommend because it's got the OM in it but it also has this nice little R that you can... | ||
| Do you think that people who have ADHD... Which is the one that the guy on his deathbed said isn't real? | ||
| Is it ADHD? Like ADD is real, but the guy who created ADHD said it was bullshit? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's ADHD. It's that one? | ||
| What exactly happened? | ||
| He was on his deathbed and he was like, ah, this is bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder if he was being serious about it or if it was just because he was crazy. | ||
| I was fucking... | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is the difference? | ||
| ADD is attention deficit disorder and ADHD... Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, isn't it? | ||
| How much of that... | ||
| I mean, how accurate is their prognosis or their diagnosis of ADD? Because so often they're dealing with kids... | ||
| And kids are bored as fuck. | ||
| And it's not because they have a disease. | ||
| It's because you're making them do something boring as fuck. | ||
| Like, I know, because I have children, I watch how they develop as little people, sort of learning how to get through things. | ||
| It's difficult for them to sit down. | ||
| They got fucking energy. | ||
| They want to dance and play and have fun. | ||
| They want to throw things and wrestle with each other and play. | ||
| When you make them sit, even if they're 10 or 12, they're still juiced up with life. | ||
| And if you make them sit and just do things, they get fucking bored. | ||
| And they know that what they're doing is not as fun as baseball. | ||
| They know what they're doing is not as fun as the video game that they're addicted to. | ||
| They know it's not as fun as playing with their friends when school's over. | ||
| So they can't wait to get the fuck out of there. | ||
| And then you say, well, this boy's got a disease. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| You're offering them shit sandwiches and they're not hungry. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| And that's why I think it's a funny term, attention deficit disorder. | ||
| Because these kids, there's no deficit in attention. | ||
| Maybe it's an attention control disorder in the sense that they can't control what they focus their mind on. | ||
| I know I have an attention control disorder because I can be sitting on my porch and then look down at my phone and not look up for another 15 minutes. | ||
| Okay, but stop right there, because you don't. | ||
| Because if it's something that you really love, like StarCraft, you can fucking lock on to that shit for hours. | ||
| Hours. | ||
| You can tune in with 100% of your being for hours. | ||
| That's not an attention deficit disorder. | ||
| What you have is a love of StarCraft. | ||
| What you have is you find the one thing that you just fucking really vibe on, and you chase after that vibe on. | ||
| It sounded very 70s. | ||
| No, it's true. | ||
| I put Nansen family on everybody. | ||
| But I think that it's a... | ||
| If I had my... | ||
| If I could... | ||
| I would much rather... | ||
| Maybe this is an impossibility or fantasy. | ||
| But I'd much rather have the ability to lock my attention onto anything I wanted to with the exact same level that gets locked onto things that I enjoy. | ||
| Because I think if I could do that, then I would be able to... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But you can if you actually enjoy it. | ||
| If you actually enjoy it, you can. | ||
| Yeah, but certain things like books, especially like really long novels, like I'm just listening to The Stand, the Stephen King audiobook, The Stand. | ||
| Oh, it's good. | ||
| But I'll tell you, the first two hours, there's a lot of shit in there that doesn't involve people coughing up sprays of thick, briny plague mucus and wandering through an apocalyptic wasteland. | ||
| There's just a lot of character development that's not that fun. | ||
| But you need to focus on that because it brings the characters to life more. | ||
| It kindles the fire of the story. | ||
| And also, running. | ||
| When I go jogging, the first 30 minutes or 20 minutes aren't exactly a blast. | ||
| My mind's going everywhere. | ||
| But then this thing will kick in where suddenly you're like, this is fucking amazing. | ||
| It feels so good. | ||
| But to get there, you need to get through the first 30 minutes or however long of not enjoying it. | ||
| Or fucking jujitsu. | ||
| When I was taking jujitsu with Eddie Bravo, my mind was everywhere. | ||
| I know if I just had the ability to focus on that for a year, Then that would have radically transformed my life. | ||
| So that's why I say I wish that I could figure out a way to make my mind Become immersed in anything that I wanted to instead of what it wanted to get immersed in. | ||
| You still can. | ||
| Not only can you still do it, what you described is the very difficult aspects of things that you really enjoy. | ||
| It's a subset or another aspect of how you find what you enjoy and make what you enjoy better. | ||
| And that involves doing things that you don't enjoy at all. | ||
| It involves work. | ||
| And that's the weird sort of thing that happens to kids when they learn a sport or they learn a martial art or, you know, you try out for the wrestling team or something. | ||
| You realize, like, I love wrestling, but to get really good at wrestling, you got to go through wrestling practice. | ||
| And that's a motherfucker. | ||
| And that's, like, this thing that you learn in life. | ||
| But... | ||
| When you're dealing with something that you want to describe as attention deficit disorder, I don't think that applies to that. | ||
| I think all that is is a conditioning of discipline and a recognition that discipline is like a mode that you can put your mind into and that you can achieve. | ||
| And it's also one of those things where if you have a characteristic that you cultivate on a regular basis, then it becomes a part of who you are. | ||
| If you get used to an act, you get used to a habit, all you have to do is do something for 90 days and that will become who you are. | ||
| You say, I'm going to take yoga every day for 90 days. | ||
| It seems impossible. | ||
| People have been doing it for years. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| Just get up every morning at 8 o'clock, whenever the fuck the class is, and take it for 90 days. | ||
| You will be a fucking yogi by the end of those 90 days. | ||
| That will be who you are. | ||
| But how many people ever actually do that? | ||
| That's the discipline that life requires, and that's one of the lessons that you learn once you apply yourself to something. | ||
| You learn how to develop your human potential. | ||
| And one of the ways of developing it is to force yourself Into and through situations. | ||
| But you still love the things that you love, like video games, like doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| The things that don't require the discipline at all. | ||
| You still pursue them and have this passion for them. | ||
| It's just there's other stuff, too, that's not on the surface. | ||
| You just have to work to get to it. | ||
| Like, to get good at jujitsu fucking sucked when I first started doing it. | ||
| But I knew that these guys were way better than me, and they were an immortal person. | ||
| They were just people who practiced more. | ||
| So in getting killed, I realized, ooh, if I just keep doing this, I can eventually do that to someone else. | ||
| And when I first started playing Quake, same thing. | ||
| I was getting crushed. | ||
| I would go online and spin around in circles and dudes would shoot rockets into my face. | ||
| It was a terrible feeling. | ||
| And then I'd learn how to get really good at it because of that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, same with StarCraft, man. | ||
| Try starting that shit off, man. | ||
| You will get your ass handed to you. | ||
| I still do. | ||
| By the way, everybody, StarCraft people out there, I should make this very important announcement. | ||
| This Friday at 1pm, I will be live streaming a match between me and Pendleton Ward, the creator of Adventure Time, who also plays StarCraft. | ||
| Kick my ass the last time we played. | ||
| We're having a rematch, and it's being... | ||
| It's cast by Artosis and Jeff Robinson, who are these professional StarCraft casters. | ||
| What is a caster? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It's like what you do for the UFC, but they do it for StarCraft. | ||
| Oh, a broadcaster. | ||
| Yeah, they broadcast. | ||
| So when you're playing StarCraft, they will do commentary on your strategy. | ||
| And me and Pendleton suck. | ||
| So bad. | ||
| So it'd be like you casting a UFC with me and Ari fighting. | ||
| We're not good at all, but it's cool to get these two super professional casters to do it. | ||
| So that's at 1pm Pacific Time. | ||
| I think it's going to be on Twitch TV, but I'll tweet about it. | ||
| For those of you who like StarCraft, you can watch us flail. | ||
| Duncan is drinking the Mountain Dew and eating the Doritos. | ||
| He's slowly... | ||
| Can you imagine being a caster? | ||
| I think that game is one of those... | ||
| I think StarCraft, you have to be on the ball all the time. | ||
| Correct me if I'm wrong. | ||
| You can't be eating chips, right? | ||
| No, you can't eat fucking chips. | ||
| If you're going to play a real game of StarCraft, you've got to eat your cashews and drink your Coke, and then you start playing. | ||
| You might be able to take some swigs of water in the first four minutes or so when you're building up your army and your little zerglings are just beginning to grow. | ||
| Basically, it's all time, man. | ||
| I'm not going to get into StarCraft. | ||
| I was with Duncan in Utah. | ||
| We had a long drive to and from location. | ||
| It was like two hours from the airport. | ||
| And we got into a StarCraft conversation. | ||
| And the passion in his voice when he describes StarCraft, it's like, man, if you put that much effort into anything else in your life, this is a real problem is that those things don't pay off. | ||
| They don't give you anything back. | ||
| You get really awesome at them, but... | ||
| Then at the end of the day, you don't have a car. | ||
| You don't have a house to show that you're the best tennis player. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| Like Pete Sampras. | ||
| That guy has a giant-ass house. | ||
| But if you become the motherfucker at StarCraft, how much can you make? | ||
| What do the best pro StarCraft guys make? | ||
| $40? | ||
| Dude, I have no idea. | ||
| I think they make real money. | ||
| No, they can make real money. | ||
| I think I'm wrong. | ||
| If you go to Team Liquid, I saw somewhere there was a listing of how much... | ||
| In fact, when players start playing in tournaments as part of their credits, they will show the amount of money that they've won over the course of their career. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So you could see how much money these people won. | ||
| But it's, look, professional StarCraft is a young man's game. | ||
| This is for somebody whose neurology hasn't been frazzled by countless hits of LSD and nitrous oxide. | ||
| It's like you've got to have like quick, quick fucking what's called APM, which is actions per minute. | ||
| Well, they love this stuff, by the way. | ||
| Alpha Brain would definitely go over well with some of these people who play the game. | ||
| I play the game just for fun. | ||
| But I do recognize the time suck that it is. | ||
| Inevitably, when I'm playing, I'll look at my watch and think, why were you not writing for the last two hours? | ||
| You've just been running purple things all over a screen. | ||
| For two hours? | ||
| It doesn't do anything for you. | ||
| It does do something for you. | ||
| I shouldn't say that because it has been proven that it has a positive effect on cognitive function. | ||
| It strengthens your decision-making abilities. | ||
| It makes your brain fire at a rapid pace. | ||
| For real, they've figured this out with video games. | ||
| You're dealing with an intense series of things going on. | ||
| You're managing them and it's like an exercise for your mind. | ||
| I just think it's a drug, and I think that it's like some drugs have benefits, and I think that it's a digital drug, and I think that when you're playing... | ||
| You know, when I'm playing a video game for a long time, for a really long time, like when I was addicted to World of Warcraft, which I'm not anymore, which I don't play anymore, but when I was addicted to World of Warcraft, which was a true video game addiction, And I think about spending a couple of days playing that game as the main activity of my day. | ||
| I don't really see much of a difference in physical activity between me and somebody who just got on the spike and shot some heroin into his veins. | ||
| You know, he's going to be sitting on the couch nodding in and out. | ||
| I'm going to be sitting on my chair focused on a fantasy world and clicking buttons. | ||
| But our caloric, we're not burning a lot of calories. | ||
| We're just kind of sitting in a... | ||
| In other words, if my monitor was turned off and I was just sitting there, Doing the same thing, I might as well be... | ||
| It's like heroin, except that I don't have a chemical inside of me, so it's a drug. | ||
| It's a fucking drug. | ||
| And when the rift comes out, when these new... | ||
| Oculus rift? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| When that shit comes out, people are going to have to accept the fact that we found another way to get high that's as... | ||
| As addictive and potentially life-destroying as any other hardcore narcotic. | ||
| Well, you keep hearing about these people that abandon their babies because they've been playing a video game and they let their kids starve to death. | ||
| You hear about that shit all the time. | ||
| It's happened several times. | ||
| And, you know, these video games are only getting more and more powerful. | ||
| So their impact, what you're getting now, is way stronger than anybody ever got from Monopoly and Pong. | ||
| And then when Pong became Pac-Man, what you're dealing with now is something that's way, way, way, way, way more powerful. | ||
| And the question comes up is, are we really designed to handle that kind of stimulation? | ||
| Our brains are set up for a whole series of rewards that we get for finding food, you find a rabbit, you shoot it, then you get to eat. | ||
| There's that thrill of catching it and eating it. | ||
| Well, instead of rabbits, you're doing zorgs or whatever the fuck you're doing. | ||
| Zergs. | ||
| You're sending your troops over this 3D mountain range. | ||
| You're setting a trap on the other end when they retreat. | ||
| So you can attack from the back end as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd be good. | |
| Yeah, I'd be evil. | ||
| I'd be evil at that shit. | ||
| I don't want to fuck with it. | ||
| You would love it, man. | ||
| That's exactly what you just described as a great strategy. | ||
| And that's part of the fun of the game is like you start learning new strategies. | ||
| There's cheese strategies is what they're called, which is like when you attack within the first six minutes or four minutes, it's lame. | ||
| Cheese is lame. | ||
| So like you can, instead of spending your time building a giant army if within the first five minutes you can build a very small army and get that into your enemy's base taking them by surprise and they haven't built up any defense then you can sometimes defeat your enemy within the first five minutes of the game because they weren't prepared for what's called a rush and that's called a cheese attack and it pisses people off And it's so fun to piss people off when you're playing because then they'll chat | ||
| to you like, you fucking noob piece of shit. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Because they get really mad because it's lame. | ||
| Why is it lame though? | ||
| It seems like it's an option. | ||
| Well, it's lame because it's... | ||
| And I used to think like you think because I would love to do cheese attacks and I thought it was funny. | ||
| You don't do it anymore? | ||
| You want to be taken seriously? | ||
| I don't want to be taken seriously. | ||
| I enjoy the game more when I have bigger armies. | ||
| It's more fun when you have to deal with more variables and you let the thing expand. | ||
| The game is divided into phases. | ||
| So it's like mid-game, end-game, and the beginning of the game. | ||
| In each of these phases, there's different strategies that you employ according to what your enemy's doing. | ||
| It's kind of boring looking, though. | ||
| I won't argue with that. | ||
| The little dudes are like, they're no big deal. | ||
| They're not very distinctive. | ||
| I like how they explode when you shoot at them and stuff. | ||
| Go back to that. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| So look, what we have here, it appears, I can't see very well. | ||
| It appears that we have Terran. | ||
| These are Terrans attacking. | ||
| I can't tell what those fucking... | ||
| They turn into little red puddles. | ||
| They explode when you shoot at them. | ||
| It's a mod, Duncan. | ||
| A zombie mod. | ||
| Oh, it's a zombie mod. | ||
| Oh, wow! | ||
| StarCraft's zombie mod. | ||
| That looks fun. | ||
| So that's Terran's attacking zombies. | ||
| There are zombies that are actually in the game, but I've never seen those zombies before. | ||
| But I wish it was more first person. | ||
| I wish you had the opportunity to go first person and then above, just for the visual enjoyment of it. | ||
| Yeah, man, that would be really cool. | ||
| I keep praying that Blizzard releases some version of it where each member of the armies can be somebody else playing Halo-style, so each of the armies are like, each individual troop is being controlled by some other player somewhere else. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That would be fucking awesome. | ||
| Awesome, man. | ||
| That would be crazy. | ||
| So you literally would be an army of people. | ||
| How many people would you get into a game, then? | ||
| Well, you can only get a maximum of 200 units. | ||
| Not 200 units, but it's like 200 supply is what it's called. | ||
| Because for every unit requires... | ||
| The Zerg, to create units, you'll max out your units. | ||
| So you start off, you can only have ten units on the board, and then you have to build a thing called an Overlord, and for each Overlord, you can build another five units. | ||
| So you could have potentially 200 people as individuals, 200 different individuals logged into a server? | ||
| Well, it wouldn't be at 200, but you could have like 130 or 150 or something, because certain units are... | ||
| That would be fucking wild, to have 150 people online representing a team. | ||
| I mean, is that what's going to happen with Oculus Rift? | ||
| It seems like that would be totally possible. | ||
| Yeah, I think that is going to happen with Oculus Rift, and I think that... | ||
| How many people are going to die having heart attacks playing that? | ||
| Playing that, probably not many, but... | ||
| Oculus Rift. | ||
| Having sex. | ||
| Well, what about the running with the fucking... | ||
| Oh, you mean running on the fucking... | ||
| Omni-directional treadmills. | ||
| Yeah, on the Omni. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| I mean, I think that's going to be one of the problems that we see is people are going to get sick and people are going to, like, go into cardiac arrest. | ||
| People are going to have the most amazing legs ever. | ||
| People are going to be ripped. | ||
| This is something that Silva was talking about. | ||
| He had a word for the mixture of certain psychedelics and video games. | ||
| Silva who? | ||
| Jason Silva. | ||
| Oh, Jason Silva. | ||
| He was talking about some kind of mix of psychedelics and video games. | ||
| So it's like, not only are you going to be putting the rift on, but you're going to be taking some synthetic drug That helps you merge into the video game more so that you can merge into it more. | ||
| You get deeper into it. | ||
| Maybe it'll just be marijuana. | ||
| Bat salts. | ||
| But you're going to smack that fucking Rift on, man. | ||
| And I haven't seen much mention of porn yet with the Oculus Rift. | ||
| But come on, man. | ||
| Think about first-person porn. | ||
| They filmed their first porn with a Google Glass. | ||
| Yeah, some guy filmed porn with Google Glass. | ||
| There you go, man. | ||
| I don't think Joe would like StarCraft. | ||
| I think he would be more like a Battlefield 4 or something like that. | ||
| What's Battlefield 4? | ||
| This is Battlefield 4 where there's tons of people playing at once. | ||
| Oh, that's way better. | ||
| And you're in 3D like this? | ||
| Yeah, and you can get in planes, you can get in tanks. | ||
| Yeah, see, this to me speaks to me as an individual, as a human being experiencing life. | ||
| Like, I know I'm just in a video game, but you're running around with a machine gun, you're flying around in a plane, It's like you're seeing it from the point of view of an actual player. | ||
| When you're looking at it above, I'm sure it's really cool, but it lacks that feeling like it's actually happening. | ||
| It's apples and oranges. | ||
| It's chess versus quake. | ||
| It's a whole different thing. | ||
| You're controlling. | ||
| It's multitasking to the nth degree mixed in with planning and mixed in with strategy. | ||
| With these kinds of first-person shooters, you're dealing with A whole different type of gameplay. | ||
| And those are fucking fun, man. | ||
| I was just telling Brian, I cannot wait for the new Grand Theft Auto to come out. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That looks amazing. | ||
| And that's not even on the new generation of consoles, man. | ||
| We'll have access to that in a few months, and it looks so fun. | ||
| And there's a giant forest in it, I've heard. | ||
| And there's rumors that there's a Bigfoot that lives in the forest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| Did you ever play Quake like a duel? | ||
| Did you ever do duels with Quake? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Duels are fascinating because they got it down to when they know when weapons would respawn. | ||
| So the whole key to a duel was controlling the map. | ||
| You had to know where the rocket launcher is. | ||
| You had to get to the guy before the rocket launcher respawned. | ||
| You had to make sure that he never got a good weapon. | ||
| So all you have is like a little blaster when you spawn, and then if someone kills you and they're all armored up and they're filled with weapons, they can fuck you up. | ||
| And the key is like, you gotta figure out a way to kill that guy while he's all armored up. | ||
| It's very, very difficult, and it becomes like this massive duel to get to various strong spots on the map. | ||
| Where's the armor? | ||
| Where's the railgun? | ||
| Where's this and where's that? | ||
| It's so fun, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So fun. | |
| And it's so funny the way that... | ||
| It's too fun, unfortunately. | ||
| Yeah, I actually deleted my fucking StarCraft. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| Two nights ago, I deleted StarCraft. | ||
| You've done this so many times. | ||
| I tried again. | ||
| I deleted StarCraft, and then Pendleton texted me, and he's like, I want to come over on Friday and kick your ass at StarCraft again. | ||
| And then it's like, oh, fuck you, man. | ||
| We'll play, because I... When I played Pendleton, I didn't know that he knew how to play. | ||
| So I got really cocky and was being lazy and fucking around. | ||
| And then he stomped my ass. | ||
| He crushed me in the most horrible way. | ||
| So I wasn't prepared for that. | ||
| I thought he had just started playing. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| I think he had. | ||
| That's a pathetic thing. | ||
| That's how bad I suck at Starcraft. | ||
| He just started playing and he got that good at it? | ||
| I think he's just a really, really smart guy. | ||
| I mean, have you seen Adventure Time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's genius. | ||
| So when you do it, it's possible for someone to just learn, like, right away? | ||
| No, not me. | ||
| I've been playing now for, like... | ||
| You can learn the basics pretty fast. | ||
| Two years, and I'm still in the Silver League. | ||
| The Silver League. | ||
| I just got out of the Bronze League, which is the lowest league. | ||
| You're such a dork. | ||
| I gotta pee. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| I gotta pee. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Hey, everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi. | |
| I had a pee, too, but I've been holding it in. | ||
| But that's cool. | ||
| You go and then we'll go. | ||
| Have you seen this new campaign about pornography? | ||
| Somebody sent it to me on Twitter. | ||
| Pornography is the new drug. | ||
| This is the new drug. | ||
| And it's like fighter blog. | ||
| They're fighting pornography. | ||
| It's like fighter blog. | ||
| It's very odd. | ||
| What are they saying? | ||
| Well, you know, they're essentially saying things that people have always said about pornography. | ||
| That people get addicted to it, that it can affect your relationships. | ||
| And yeah, it can with some people. | ||
| But it's another one of those things. | ||
| It's just like TV, booze, cigarettes, fill in the blank. | ||
| It's like, yeah, yeah, you could just jerk off all day. | ||
| And sometimes that happens to all of us for like a week. | ||
| Especially when you're single. | ||
| When you're single, you could easily... | ||
| When I lived by myself and I was single, I can easily have jerked off twice a day for like a week in a row. | ||
| Yeah, the other day I masturbated and then like two minutes later I was like, oh, I'm going to masturbate. | ||
| I'm like, wait, I still have cum on my hands. | ||
| Like no time had even passed. | ||
| It was only a few minutes. | ||
| Yeah, people are weird. | ||
| They're weird as fuck. | ||
| And yeah, when you get something like pornography where you can just watch people fuck and get stimulated, for sure you can get addicted to that. | ||
| But does that mean that because you get addicted to it, it shouldn't be available to people that enjoy it? | ||
| Does that mean that just because you think it dehumanizes people and objectifies people, that everyone looks at it that way? | ||
| It definitely is changing the kids nowadays. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Oh yeah, like these girls, like the, you know, I forget who, I think it was Sarah Tiana has a bit about it where, where, you know, like the girls that are growing up nowadays thinks it's normal to get cummed on their face. | ||
| So, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, that's what you're supposed to do when you have sex, you know? | ||
| Or you're supposed to have a fist in your ass once in a while. | ||
| Because the porn is so shocking and crazy, and they're watching it at such a young age that usually, back in the day, you used to look at a Playboy and go, that girl has nice boobs. | ||
| But you're not seeing crazy, full-on XXX porn back then. | ||
| And people are seeing it on their phone. | ||
| And they're seeing it at a young age, too. | ||
| It's almost like you can't stop it. | ||
| And the other thing is, how about grooming? | ||
| Grooming. | ||
| Grooming the pubic hairs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Porn won that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Porn won that battle. | ||
| Okay, everybody does it now. | ||
| It's very rare that girls let their whole box get crazy. | ||
| Crabs is going extinct, actually, because of that. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| I'm going to pee now. | ||
| Feel free to talk shit about me while I'm gone. | ||
| Isn't that amazing that crabs are going extinct? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| They're like the indigenous people in the rainforest that are getting wiped out. | ||
| To think that we had something that, you know, is going to be extinct one day. | ||
| Disney should do a cartoon about like a tribe of crabs living in the pubic hair of someone who's on the verge of shaving her pussy and they've got to like convince her not to do it. | ||
| Save it. | ||
| I love it, man. | ||
| I had this girl recently that had a bush, and I forgot how nice it was to have a bush. | ||
| Just a little teeny bush. | ||
| I mean, if a girl wants to shave her pussy because it makes her feel better, I think it's good, but it's not something I really... | ||
| I like that much. | ||
| I like it when there's some hair down there. | ||
| I always just feel weird when they've decided to take that leap. | ||
| If it makes them more comfortable, it makes sense. | ||
| But if they're trying to appeal to some notion that that's what guys want, I think that could be a little off base. | ||
| I don't know that that's exactly the thing that guys fantasize about. | ||
| Man, just a nice shave, pussy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I've never gotten it. | ||
| That's never been a thing that... | ||
| It's just made me feel like, wow, you're really committing to fucking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I just recently started shaving my balls. | ||
| Because Joe says that he shaves his balls. | ||
| And I'm like, you know what? | ||
| I've never really just shaved them completely bald. | ||
| And so I did. | ||
| And it's so much nicer. | ||
| What do you use? | ||
| Just a razor. | ||
| Put some soap on it or some shaving cream and a Gillette sensor. | ||
| Once I was trimming my pubes and I sliced a piece of my skin with the scissors. | ||
| It was really sad because I was about to go on a date and I'm like, I gotta trim this bush. | ||
| And I ended up cutting a piece of my skin off. | ||
| So it's like now if we end up having sex, she's gonna think I have some kind of sore. | ||
| She's never gonna believe you either. | ||
| Yeah, I was trimming my pubes for you and I was so excited that I cut myself. | ||
| I caught my dick in a zipper once, more than once, but once in a way that it left like a mark, like a little herpes mark or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Ugh, so painful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you gotta wear underwear, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta. | ||
| One time I caught it with underwear, and it was not that bad. | ||
| I've caught my dick so many times in a zipper. | ||
| I can't even imagine if I had it counted up, I'd be so sad and how fucking stupid I am. | ||
| It's more than a dozen over my whole life. | ||
| But one time it was bleeding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh, fuck that. | |
| That sucks. | ||
| Ouchies, ouchies, ouchies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go buttonfly nowadays. | ||
| I hate zippers. | ||
| Buttonfly's a good move. | ||
| I got a problem, man. | ||
| I need to figure out better pants. | ||
| I need to start wearing pants that are too big and then, like, get a belt that ties them down because when pants fit my waist, they don't fit my troll-like thighs. | ||
| Well, you just... | ||
| I mean, do you get straight leg? | ||
| I get baggy ones. | ||
| They're not baggy. | ||
| They have to be like skateboarder baggy to be baggy on me. | ||
| Like regular Levi 501s. | ||
| Good fucking luck. | ||
| I can't put those on. | ||
| I can't even get those. | ||
| I get those halfway up my thigh and they're stuck. | ||
| I can't wear them. | ||
| That's the regular jeans that guys are supposed to wear. | ||
| I can't wear those. | ||
| Can't you buy them big and just go to a tailor? | ||
| I think I'm going to have to buy them the right length but a wider waist just to see if they make the legs. | ||
| They must make your legs bigger than they figure you're a fat fuck. | ||
| I got a real problem with that though because on TV I look like I'm wearing girls jeans because my jeans are tight on the top like I'm wearing skinny jeans. | ||
| You can see my package is all bundled in there and tucked. | ||
| There's this app called Tinder. | ||
| Have you heard of it yet? | ||
| No, no, I haven't heard of it. | ||
| What's Tinder? | ||
| Tinder is this thing where what it does is it's based on location and It will pull up a girl's photo and it will say, like, this girl is like... | ||
| A block from you. | ||
| A block from you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you say, like, thumbs up or thumbs down. | ||
| And you can, like, look through their photos and everything like that. | ||
| But my friend Benji Aflalo, he found this, like, secret. | ||
| So what we do is we just sit there as fast as we can and accept, accept, accept, accept. | ||
| Don't even look at the photos because you're, like, going through, like, millions of them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then if they like you back, it brings up a chat room. | ||
| And this guy I know says that he's gone, for the last six months, he's gone on like 30 dates. | ||
| And about 90% of them, he's fucked. | ||
| That's insane! | ||
| That guy's on a rampage. | ||
| Fuck being addicted to pornography. | ||
| We were talking when you went to pee about some new campaign about pornography being the new drug. | ||
| And I don't disagree, but I don't agree that you should stop it. | ||
| I don't agree that you should tell people they can't do it. | ||
| I don't agree that you can tell people they shouldn't watch it. | ||
| I feel like it's like everything else. | ||
| Just like booze, just like cigarettes, just like coffee. | ||
| You can overdose on StarCraft. | ||
| You can overdose on everything. | ||
| And you can overdose on porn. | ||
| Or a regular person, I believe it's possible to watch... | ||
| To jerk off, watch a little bit of porn, and then go about your day. | ||
| I know people that do that. | ||
| I just wish these fucking fundamentalist creeps would get their goddamn morality and ethics and fear dynamics out of our orgasms. | ||
| I don't think that this is a fundamentalist organization. | ||
| It's some form of fundamentalism. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| From what I looked, though, it didn't reference religion at all. | ||
| It seemed to be that it was just an organization that thinks that pornography itself is detrimental to society and to relationships. | ||
| And I can see how they would say that, but I say no. | ||
| I say, though the behaviors... | ||
| Of people that are addicted. | ||
| Those are the things that are detrimental to societies. | ||
| And those behaviors can manifest themselves in porn. | ||
| They can also manifest themselves in gambling. | ||
| They can manifest itself in a lot of different crazy things. | ||
| People are fucking nuts. | ||
| And the regular day-to-day job of no risk, no reward, That pattern of life is not fucking rewarding. | ||
| And because of that, people go on these nutty chases off into the woods of craziness. | ||
| And they'll bet their entire house on a fucking hand of cards. | ||
| They'll do nutty shit. | ||
| That, I mean, it's not always because of mundane jobs, but there's a part of us, whatever it is, whatever's the cause of it, the point is there's a part of human beings that will just get obsessed with something and get crazy with something and just fucking run with it and then go, oh Jesus, what did I do? | ||
| It could be that with pornography, but it could be that with almost anything. | ||
| And if you looked at the amount of people that watch pornography and aren't crazy and don't objectify women because of it and aren't mean to people because of it and don't hate and don't want to rape and kill, I would have to assume that that's much larger. | ||
| And there's also studies that show that people that are exposed to whether it's extreme, like rough sex or different types of sex or different sexual acts, that it can ease their desire to perform those acts. | ||
| That it can actually, especially things like rough sex. | ||
| There's some people that have fantasies about that. | ||
| They can watch it in a porn and never want to hit somebody. | ||
| And they think that it can have some sort of an alleviating effect. | ||
| I don't know if these studies are biased. | ||
| I don't know if they went into it trying to prove something and if it's been rejected by science. | ||
| But I know the argument is kind of strange that it has that sort of alleviating effect that has that sort of a release mechanism effect. | ||
| Like violent movies, a lot of people feel the same way. | ||
| I find it incredibly strange that... | ||
| We have no problem with violent movies. | ||
| There's very little blowback to these Batman movies or zombie movies or all these different movies. | ||
| But yet, if there was that same type of extreme sexuality in a film, we would lose our fucking minds. | ||
| But isn't extreme violence just as disturbing, if not more disturbing, than extreme sexuality? | ||
| Well, isn't it funny that the two even get put in the same goddamn category? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That they're even compared. | ||
| Like, one, you have, like, just pleasure-seeking people... | ||
| Trying to reach temporary utopian states by coming. | ||
| On the other, you have people actively killing each other and yet somehow people even bring those two together. | ||
| It's like talking about dragons versus butterflies. | ||
| One's just supposed to be fun. | ||
| I think that's one of the... | ||
| That's one of the problems with this repressed sexual culture that we live in, is that what ends up happening is people watch porn, and what they're seeing a lot of times is the result of sexual repression. | ||
| You know when you get that creepy narrator? | ||
| I'm sure we've talked about this before, but that guy who ruins the porn? | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The creepy narrator who's like, ooh, what do we have here? | ||
| Oh, a little dirty girl. | ||
| You're dirty. | ||
| You're dirty. | ||
| You want to suck this dick? | ||
| You know what's the worst? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's when the cameraman does it. | ||
| The girl's having sex with the guy and the cameraman's going, oh yeah, you want to suck his cock? | ||
| You're like, hey, what's going on here? | ||
| Who's that creep with the camera? | ||
| You know, that fucking weirdo? | ||
| It's just so fucking weird, man. | ||
| And it's like, that porn tone. | ||
| You know, that thing? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Suddenly, oh yeah, this is what we're doing, right? | ||
| And sometimes it's the girl, too. | ||
| Sometimes girls can be like, oh yeah, fuck me, baby. | ||
| Oh yeah, fuck me. | ||
| And you're like, hey, hey, hey, Jesus. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| That thing. | ||
| It's all this screaming. | ||
| Yeah, that thing. | ||
| That thing is so weird. | ||
| And that is just a result, I think, of sexual repression. | ||
| Okay, I don't know about that. | ||
| I think because to some guys, that's what they like to hear. | ||
| Some guys want to hear that girl being all loud and obnoxious. | ||
| Oh yeah, fuck. | ||
| And then some guys also want to hear the guy. | ||
| You know, I think it's all the styles. | ||
| Everyone's wildly different. | ||
| Everyone's got their own styles. | ||
| But the point is, how weird are we where extreme violence is the expendables? | ||
| It's everywhere. | ||
| And they shoot someone in the head, their fucking brain explodes. | ||
| That's someone's baby. | ||
| That guy just shot someone's baby that grew up in the head and his fucking skull exploded. | ||
| And we accept it because he's the bad guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And why is that acceptable? | ||
| Why is that not just acceptable, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Barely criticized. | ||
| Well, it's because a long time ago, some really fucked up dudes started controlling everything. | ||
| And it's been going on and on like that for a very long time. | ||
| And we're the descendants of super sexually repressed, fundamentalist, religious fanatics who came over here to start utopian societies and as part of their understanding of things decided that they were going to lock that pussy underneath a Bible and That's where we're at today. | ||
| It's true, isn't it? | ||
| That is what it is, isn't it? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| It's just a really beautiful, messy act that's kind of embarrassing, but it's just ultimately fun. | ||
| And we've managed to turn it into a goddamn multi-eyed HP Lovecraft monster that you're not supposed to talk about. | ||
| Certainly never show it to your kids. | ||
| Never want your kids to see sex, ever. | ||
| That's the worst thing. | ||
| It's just fucked up. | ||
| It's like Nancy Grace shit, man. | ||
| Speaking of, did you hear about that? | ||
| Yeah, some guy was trying to kill Nancy Grace. | ||
| Yeah, found a bunch of knives and stuff. | ||
| Was he on his way to her house or something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know Jamie? | ||
| Well, poor Nancy Grace. | ||
| Are you loud in bed? | ||
| Am I loud in bed? | ||
| Yeah, do you make noises? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Is that your little secret? | ||
| I vary. | ||
| I vary wildly. | ||
| Like in all things I do. | ||
| I like to mix it up. | ||
| Duncan, are you? | ||
| It depends on what kind of sex is happening. | ||
| And what kind of ball gag he's got in his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It depends on how tight the ball gag is. | |
| Did you guys see that Yoko Ono thing, speaking of ballgag? | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| Did you guys see the new thing that she did, singing the cover of the Adele song? | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| That's kind of old. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| How old is it? | ||
| Adele's only been around for a couple of years. | ||
| I mean, I saw it like a year ago or something. | ||
| 2012? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Pull it up, because this bears repeating. | ||
| For folks who haven't seen this at home, she does this thing. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it's almost like now she's heard the criticism, so she's just taking it to the next level and making it a joke. | ||
| And so Yoko Ono is at this art gallery, and she pulls up this microphone. | ||
| She's really strange. | ||
| Someone Like You is the song. | ||
| And she's dressed like real weird... | ||
| And people still sort of give her attention because she was John Lennon's wife. | ||
| And John Lennon was, you know, a motherfucker in his time. | ||
| So she gets up to this microphone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's just so weird. | |
| And I'm sure most of the people in that crowd were like, what the fuck, John Lennon? | ||
| What did you do to us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is she kind of making fun of Adele? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| How could she be? | ||
| Because that's kind of like, maybe that's her interpretation of modern music or something. | ||
| She's making fun of what she considers to be the empty emptiness. | ||
| Man, you're looking into it too far, pal. | ||
| This is why I say not. | ||
| Because she never did anything good before that. | ||
| It's not like she did something that was really cool and interesting and then people really got into it and then she's doing this as a parody. | ||
| No, she's always done that. | ||
| that thing there that she's always done that like bill burr had this whole areas bit about chuck berry and john lennon doing a solo together the duo rather and there they're saying this song and you know john lennon's they're singing a yoko ono is like playing the fucking tambourine the background and she just pulls up a microphone goes She makes this crazy noise. | ||
| And you can see the look on Chuck Berry's face. | ||
| Whoever made the video of the Bill Burr thing did an awesome job. | ||
| Was it Mischief Maker? | ||
| Did he make it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Some other dude. | ||
| Whoever made it, they froze frame right when Chuck Berry had this crazy look in his eyes. | ||
| What the fuck did that bitch just do? | ||
| Man, I've noticed that there's people like that who will attach themselves to things and ruin it. | ||
| A lot of times you'll find yourself around someone who's just going to squawk out some bullshit and ruin everything. | ||
| I would love to see that, Brian. | ||
| You ought to see the Bill Burr version of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But anyway, she's up there playing the bongos, right? | |
| So John Lennon, Chuck Berry, two of the greats of all time, harmonizing, singing this hit from the 1950s. | ||
| That's what this moment's about. | ||
| And Yoko, in the middle of it, can't handle that she's not getting any shine. | ||
| She takes the fucking microphone out of the stand, starts playing the bongo, and as they're singing, you know, go, go, Johnny, go, whatever, she picks up the mic and I swear to God goes, some fucking crazy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you see Chuck Berry's eyes. | |
| Fucking open as wide as they are, and it's that fucking look. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| What is it about some dudes like a John Lennon type guy that seems by all accounts to be one of the coolest people that's ever lived? | ||
| This brilliant artist, these amazing songs, this great way of looking at life, and then he has this really weird wife. | ||
| Asian fetish, man. | ||
| Back then, it wasn't that common to have an Asian girlfriend, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it was also who she was. | ||
| I think some women will provide... | ||
| They will provide a guidance thing to some guys. | ||
| Like Ozzy Osbourne's wife. | ||
| Obviously a very strong woman. | ||
| Very opinionated, successful businesswoman. | ||
| And she takes care of one of the craziest guys in rock and roll. | ||
| That's why that show was so interesting. | ||
| Because you've got this guy that's eating pigeon's heads on stage. | ||
| He's a fucking animal. | ||
| He's done every drug known to man. | ||
| He goes on stage and kids go, fuck it! | ||
| It's fucking Ozzy! | ||
| He represents the angst of every fucked up kid. | ||
| He's goddamn Ozzy Osbourne. | ||
| And he's singing Crazy Train and everybody's going nuts. | ||
| And then he's got this wife who's like on the ball... | ||
| Taking care of shit, putting things in line, managing his career, making sure he gets paid. | ||
| We're going to do a reality show, honey. | ||
| And all of a sudden, a reality show. | ||
| He's running around. | ||
| He can barely talk. | ||
| He's on a fucking reality show. | ||
| His wife and his kids are getting all the attention. | ||
| Not all the attention, but it's almost impossible to understand him. | ||
| But they find this. | ||
| In his case, it was a positive. | ||
| You know, he found this woman who was, like, really on the ball. | ||
| But in John Lennon's case, not. | ||
| He just found this woman who just said, come here, hold my hand, I'll take this. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| And she just, I've seen it happen. | ||
| I've seen it happen with comics. | ||
| Have you ever met a comic and they have a girlfriend that's sort of running the show? | ||
| Christiane Brzezinski? | ||
| Tom Segur is hilarious. | ||
| That's a bad one. | ||
| But I had a friend back in the day. | ||
| He sadly has passed. | ||
| But he had a girlfriend. | ||
| And his girlfriend was sort of like his manager type situation. | ||
| Just running the show. | ||
| Deciding what he does and what he doesn't do. | ||
| And they get linked up together. | ||
| And it gets weird. | ||
| It's like they become a package deal. | ||
| Like every time you're around Mike, you're also around Cindy. | ||
| And you're like, oh Jesus, here we go. | ||
| Or they'll start sharing emails. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, that's a big one. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| Where they have the same email account. | ||
| Yeah, me and the wife have the same email account. | ||
| Dude, I'm not trying... | ||
| I don't know your wife. | ||
| We're not friends. | ||
| Okay, I'm trying to send you an email. | ||
| Do you have your own email so we can talk shit and I can maybe send you a porn link? | ||
| And not have to deal with your wife going, hey, that's a shared email account. | ||
| I don't appreciate you sending him all your bullshit. | ||
| Or every time you call, they're on fucking speaker. | ||
| Oh, that's bad. | ||
| Yeah, that's bad. | ||
| Or how about when the woman answers the phone? | ||
| It's his cell phone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you're like, hello? | ||
| I thought I was calling Mike. | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| Is Mike there? | ||
| Yeah, who's this, please? | ||
| Like, oh, Jesus. | ||
| Like, you know, not even famous people. | ||
| Uh, this is Joe. | ||
| Can I talk to her? | ||
| And then you're like, dude, why does your girlfriend answer your phone? | ||
| Oh, hey, I don't care. | ||
| You know, it's no big deal. | ||
| It's just laying around like, that person is like controlling your environment. | ||
| So weird, isn't it? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's weirder. | ||
| It's just as weird if a guy does it. | ||
| If a girl's phone's ringing, like, who's this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello? | |
| Hello? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Debbie? | |
| Debbie who? | ||
| Yeah, I'll get her. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Oh, I hate it, Joe. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| I'll allow you to talk to Debbie. | ||
| It's so creepy, man, when people try to control each other like that. | ||
| It's so spooky, isn't it? | ||
| It is spooky. | ||
| It's dangerous, too. | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| You gotta just know when someone really likes you. | ||
| And if they don't like you, either find someone who does or figure out what's wrong with yourself. | ||
| If you don't, you're gonna get in that cycle of... | ||
| Like that girl that I dated that went through my phone and took screenshots of every single text I did. | ||
| Took every photo that I had in there and sent it to herself. | ||
| Like pretty much spent four hours while I was sleeping in bed just going through my phone and making copies of everything. | ||
| Well, that's obviously a person that thought you were doing something different than what you were doing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She just decided that she had the right to do that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You don't have the right to do that to people. | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| And that's one of the weirdest things about... | ||
| To become the NSA? Yeah. | ||
| You don't have the right to go through someone's phone. | ||
| I mean, if someone's lying to you, yeah, that sucks. | ||
| It sucks that someone lied to you. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| It sucks just as bad. | ||
| Are you going through their fucking phone? | ||
| That's... | ||
| I mean, finding out that someone betrayed you by betraying them, nobody wins there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, that's not a win, and it's certainly not a win if you're using it to, I don't know, what the fuck. | ||
| It's like, people need to figure out a way to just get along better. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I don't know how you eliminate the 50% plus divorce rate that we have in this country. | ||
| I don't know how you get it so that people can figure out how to not be that person, not be the woman, not be the man, not be the problem, but fuck. | ||
| It's so hard to do. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta let go, man. | ||
| You just gotta let go. | ||
| I mean, you gotta let go. | ||
| If somebody's gonna leave you... | ||
| They're going to leave you. | ||
| Well, it's not just that. | ||
| You've got to let go while you're with them, too. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| I'm saying, by the time it gets to the point where you're going through somebody's emails to see if they're cheating on you, that ship has left the port. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Whether they're cheating on you or not, you guys are so unconnected that you don't know what they're doing. | ||
| Well, you never know what someone's doing. | ||
| No, I mean, you don't trust what they're doing. | ||
| You're so unconnected. | ||
| Did you hear about that guy that disappeared for 22 years, or I think it was 19 years, something like that, a long-ass time. | ||
| His family assumed he was dead. | ||
| They had five children. | ||
| They got a life insurance policy, $800,000, and it turns out he was living with his gay lover in Palm Springs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Duncan, are you tweeting right now? | ||
| You're not really here? | ||
| I'm sculpting, Joe. | ||
| What are you sculpting? | ||
| Play-Doh. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| This guy, he was a deeply religious guy and just couldn't deal with his sexuality. | ||
| It was just too crazy for him. | ||
| He couldn't handle it, and then he went crazy. | ||
| He went on a vacation and just never came home. | ||
| He just moved in with this gay guy and just started sucking cock and taking the butt and then just loved it. | ||
| Just like, this is the place for me. | ||
| So much so that he abandoned his children. | ||
| And now his children, like, they were eight at the time. | ||
| Now they're grown. | ||
| Like, one of them is a grown woman. | ||
| And she has children of her own. | ||
| And she's like, I would never do that to my kids. | ||
| Like, he doesn't understand. | ||
| Like, he left when I was eight. | ||
| That was devastating to lose your father when you're eight. | ||
| Just because, you know, you can't come out of the closet. | ||
| So you go and you never come back for, like, X amount of years. | ||
| 15, 16, whatever the fuck years it was. | ||
| And then finally do come back and, like, look, I fucked up. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| People can do that too. | ||
| That's one of those things you've got to realize. | ||
| We're crazy. | ||
| That's also in the wheelhouse of human behavior. | ||
| It is. | ||
| That's the trick, I think, of relationships. | ||
| Of all things, you've got to be in the moment with relationships. | ||
| If you start... | ||
| Holding on to the idea that that shit's gonna last forever. | ||
| You'll start going crazy. | ||
| That's just never the case. | ||
| It's just never the case. | ||
| You have to appreciate the moments that are good and then the moments that aren't so good. | ||
| You've got to trust that things are gonna get better. | ||
| Yeah, and you gotta have a support system. | ||
| You gotta have some exercise in your life to blow out the fucking bad hormones. | ||
| You gotta have a lot of shit going on. | ||
| And we're not told this. | ||
| You gotta figure it out over stumbling through your life and running into walls. | ||
| This is a question I have for you. | ||
| It's something I've been thinking about, man. | ||
| And a relationship is a great way to bring it up. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| If you don't feel loving towards someone... | ||
| If you don't feel it, and that quite often happens in relationships where you're just not feeling it, how are you supposed to act? | ||
| In other words, if you're not feeling it and you start acting like you're feeling it, aren't you being dishonest or phony? | ||
| That's a giant general question, and that's the problem, because it really depends entirely on the moment. | ||
| It depends entirely on you, that person. | ||
| The variables are so vast. | ||
| The variables of people, the variables of scenarios, the variables of lifestyle, the variables of culture, the variables of what part of the world you're living in. | ||
| There's a lot of variables when you're going to answer that question. | ||
| And it's like, why are you not loving with that person? | ||
| Who the fuck? | ||
| I don't know your situation. | ||
| No! | ||
| To find out your situation would take a long time. | ||
| I would have to deeply delve into each one of your individual lives. | ||
| I'm saying you wake up in the morning. | ||
| You're a little hungover. | ||
| I'm not even talking about relationships. | ||
| You go to work. | ||
| You feel like shit. | ||
| You don't feel kind, empathetic, compassionate at all. | ||
| You don't want to listen to anybody yap. | ||
| Are you faking it if you start acting kind to the people around you? | ||
| What's better? | ||
| To follow that feeling and just be kind of like closed off or to try to act as though you're happy or you care about the people around you? | ||
| Well, that's a different scenario. | ||
| In that scenario, I feel like you have an obligation to be kind to the people that are around you as much as is humanly possible without compromising your own sanity. | ||
| Without getting to the point where someone's taking advantage of you being kind and they're just ruining your life and acting like a shithead all the time. | ||
| And you're like, hey dickhead, how about pay attention to yourself? | ||
| How about you not do this? | ||
| How about you not spew out every stupid thought that comes out of your fucking mouth that ruins everybody else's conversation? | ||
| Because you're doing something really selfish. | ||
| Sometimes you have to do that. | ||
| Sometimes you have to regulate. | ||
| But other than that, if you go into work hungover, that's on you, bitch. | ||
| Be nice to everybody. | ||
| And as a human being, you should do it because you want to do it. | ||
| And if you think, I don't want to do it, you're in the wrong frame of mind personally. | ||
| Period. | ||
| And that's not a generalization. | ||
| In that type of a scenario, what I thought you were talking about was inside the confines of a relationship. | ||
| And if you don't feel loving to someone inside the confines of a relationship, well, you know, there's so many possible variables. | ||
| But I ultimately think if you're a balanced person, if you are at least in the mode of balance, like trying to attempt to achieve balance, you should go with your instincts. | ||
| And if this is not the person for you, this is not the person for you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I meant, I just was using that because we were talking about it. | ||
| I just mean in general, you know, the prescription, you know, you're nice. | ||
| Just be nice. | ||
| Even if you don't feel it. | ||
| Yeah, you can be nice. | ||
| You can be nice. | ||
| I mean, you can sometimes get upset. | ||
| You know, sometimes, you know, just like, oh, look, I'm sorry, man. | ||
| I just fucking, today's crazy with me. | ||
| But, you know, unless they're doing something to you. | ||
| Be nice. | ||
| It's not their fault that you're hungover. | ||
| It's not their fault that you're troubled. | ||
| It's not their fault. | ||
| As long as they're not interfering with your... | ||
| As long as they're not being rude or disrespectful to your own space. | ||
| We have all been there before. | ||
| If you come to me and you're like, dude, I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm just in a shitty mood. | ||
| I'll be like, hey, don't worry about it, man. | ||
| We don't have to talk. | ||
| Just chill. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| Like, that's one thing about guys, too. | ||
| Like, say if you and I were in a car, okay? | ||
| And you're like, dude, man, I just don't, I really, I don't want to talk. | ||
| I just want to sit. | ||
| I'll be like, I get it. | ||
| No worries. | ||
| Just chill. | ||
| Like, you can do that. | ||
| But if a guy and a girl are together, and the guy's like, look, I just don't want to fucking talk. | ||
| I just like, you know, within 10 minutes, like, okay, what's wrong? | ||
| Just tell me what's wrong. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's such a problem, man. | ||
| It's such a problem. | ||
| I like to be quiet sometimes. | ||
| I like to just have moments of quiet and stuff. | ||
| It really is tough because sometimes it feels like Girls translate that quiet into exactly what you're saying. | ||
| And it's a real problem. | ||
| Well, men and women are so fucking radically different as human beings with the hormone levels, the life experiences, the goals and dreams, and the fact that men want to fuck women and the fact that women are willing to let men fuck them. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| All of it is so bizarre. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's so it's there. | ||
| So we're so radically divided in like who we are. | ||
| And then yet we love each other. | ||
| And yet we're constantly around each other. | ||
| And if you're in a relationship that, you know, is you really enjoy and is really serious. | ||
| You're around them all the time, like most of the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On a regular basis, you know, and it's it's strange. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons has a fucking great bit about it where he talks about, like, if I had to choose to be with one person on an island for the rest of my life, he goes, if it was you or my wife, I'd be like, sorry, honey, I'm going to live with Joe on an island. | ||
| He goes, because we're going to have fun. | ||
| He goes, when was the last time you went? | ||
| I'm going to have a great conversation with my wife. | ||
| He's like, that doesn't fucking happen. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| He goes, yeah, I love her. | ||
| Yeah, we have children together, but I'm hanging out with my friend. | ||
| He goes, yeah, we're not going to get any sex, but so what? | ||
| We'll just go jerk off in the bushes and then we'll make each other laugh for the rest of the day. | ||
| And that's because we're men and we understand men. | ||
| And that's why when women get together and they tell jokes about purses and shoes and fucking Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever the fuck they're into... | ||
| Whatever their style of person is into. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Feminist jokes. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| They get together and they laugh at the shit that they think is funny. | ||
| And if you were there, you'd be like, oh fucking Christ. | ||
| But for them, it's so awesome. | ||
| They're laughing. | ||
| And they're LOLing and they're saying stupid shit to each other that they like to hear. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they don't have estrogen. | ||
| Or they don't have testosterone, rather. | ||
| They have estrogen. | ||
| They have ovaries. | ||
| They don't have a penis. | ||
| They have a vagina. | ||
| It's a totally different setup. | ||
| It's a different animal. | ||
| It's a totally different thing. | ||
| So for you to try to become what she wants you to be, that's madness. | ||
| And for you to want her to become what you want her to be, that's madness too. | ||
| You've got to figure out what each other is and just sort of accept it. | ||
| And as soon as you don't do that, You're fucked. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| You're just going to fucking hit the rocks. | ||
| It's not going to last. | ||
| It's going to fall apart. | ||
| You're closing your eyes and hitting the gas. | ||
| And one day, eventually, you're going to hit something. | ||
| It's not going to work. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| So when someone's going through your fucking emails and checking your text messages and sending all that shit to themselves, it's never going to work. | ||
| It's never going to work for all the rocks. | ||
| You don't know he's crazy? | ||
| You don't know Brian Redband's a freak? | ||
| Are you not paying attention? | ||
| How are you not paying attention? | ||
| Do you not know this guy? | ||
| I know this guy. | ||
| You know, I don't have to look at his phone. | ||
| I know him, you know? | ||
| It's like, we're so radically different, though, that that is a lesson that's so easily said and so impossible to absorb. | ||
| And then, it doesn't help that if you tune into The View, you know, and they're all going, oh, no, girl, he needs to give you his phone. | ||
| You need to take that phone. | ||
| You need to be able to look at that phone any time of day, whatever you want. | ||
| You need to be able to do that. | ||
| Pornography is just as bad as cheating. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| There was an argument that was on the Fight Porn website. | ||
| A woman was saying that watching porn is just as bad as cheating. | ||
| Which is crazy talk. | ||
| You know, it's... | ||
| We're just totally different at one. | ||
| Muskrats and unicorns. | ||
| I was dating a girl once a long time ago, and I made the mistake of leaving porn up on the computer and leaving. | ||
| She came in and saw whatever porn website I had up in my apartment. | ||
| I don't remember why she was going into my apartment, but I remember coming home. | ||
| I guess I told her to meet me there or something. | ||
| I remember coming home, and she's sitting on my bed, and she's in tears. | ||
| And she's like, is this who you are? | ||
| This is what you like! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You like jerking off to this shit! | |
| I'm not good enough for you! | ||
| It was shocking because at that time I didn't realize that that was some women associated my four minutes or five minutes of lubing up my hand and jerking off to some random clip is like something offensive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's such a small little thing. | ||
| That's what you failed to mention, though. | ||
| It was gay porn. | ||
| That's why she was pissed off. | ||
| I went on a date with a girl whose mom is younger than me. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Hey, is there any booze in here, man? | ||
| Can we get a drink? | ||
| Do we have ice? | ||
| No. | ||
| What time is it? | ||
| It's 9.25. | ||
| It's not going to start until 10 o'clock. | ||
| We're at the Ice House tonight, folks, if you're in the neighborhood and you haven't made plans for the evening. | ||
| Hey dude, did you happen to- I'm gonna get ice. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Joe, did you see that fucking Pacific Rim? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You did see it. | ||
| We were talking about it the other day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Ugh? | ||
| Oh my fucking god, man. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| It's visually really cool, but the characters are... | ||
| I tweeted that I didn't like it and caught a lot of flack from people who like robots and Godzillas. | ||
| And they're like, look, have you ever seen a Godzilla movie? | ||
| You expect that to have good characters? | ||
| But it's like, come on. | ||
| Just because it's got fantasy beings in it doesn't mean it can't be good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a lot of fantasy beings movies that are awesome. | ||
| Even simple ones. | ||
| You didn't like Avatar, though. | ||
| Avatar, I liked better than I liked. | ||
| I made it through Avatar. | ||
| I didn't make it through Pacific Rim. | ||
| I left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| 40 minutes in. | ||
| Oh my god, I can't believe that. | ||
| Bored out of my fucking mind. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And this is a Benicio Del Toro, or not Benicio Del Toro. | ||
| This is one of those things where he presents it. | ||
| I'm not positive about that, but he did the same thing with Mama, where it's like Guillermo del Toro presents Mama. | ||
| He just attaches his name to it. | ||
| I mean, I would not go see Pacific Rim. | ||
| I would go see that movie that's coming out this Friday about the new... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| The guy who did Grizzly Man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Werner Herzog? | ||
| Yeah, he's putting out a movie called The Act of Killing. | ||
| Oh, I heard about this. | ||
| It's very disturbing. | ||
| I heard it's disturbing, and I heard it's brilliant. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I heard. | ||
| His stuff is always brilliant. | ||
| The only thing that I didn't connect with with him is that cave, the movie about the cave art. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Cave of Forgotten Dreams. | ||
| Yeah, it didn't, for whatever reason, I didn't really... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't enjoy that one as much. | ||
| That's a snoozer, dude. | ||
| That one knocks your ass out. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know why everybody liked that one. | ||
| I was watching that one. | ||
| I was like, hmm, there's nothing there for me. | ||
| But I loved Happy People. | ||
| I told you about that one. | ||
| Life on the Taiga, about all these people that live in Siberia and they're trappers and fishermen and hunters and they're just so happy. | ||
| They're all dancing and hugging each other and out there living off the land and teaching each other how to survive. | ||
| It's an amazing movie. | ||
| Yeah, he's a genius, man. | ||
| Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And also, I heard Blackfish is really good, too. | ||
| What's Blackfish? | ||
| Blackfish is, I think it's called Blackfish. | ||
| It's about SeaWorld, and it's about the way they kidnap orcas and bring them in and how the orcas, like, you know, every once in a while, the orca will, like, grab one by the arm or kill. | ||
| One of them got killed. | ||
| An orca killed one of them. | ||
| But, you know, these are super intelligent beings that you're keeping in a swimming pool, basically. | ||
| And it's just torture and a hellish existence for them. | ||
| Yeah, and they're like, what? | ||
| Oh, I can't understand you. | ||
| I guess you're going to have to keep doing tricks if you want fish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you want this fish, okay, you know what I want from you. | ||
| I want you to flip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let me get out of here! | ||
| I don't know what you're saying. | ||
| Do you want the fish? | ||
| You have to flip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, they found out the dolphins can, well, they believe, rather, the dolphins have names for each other. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yeah, it's so cool. | ||
| And I'm sure orcas do, too, I bet. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They kill dolphins, though. | ||
| They call them non-human people. | ||
| In India, that's what they started calling them, is non-human people. | ||
| Yeah, it's really obvious they're smart as shit. | ||
| There's no way that they should be in swimming pools. | ||
| It's so horrific. | ||
| Did you see that woman in front of the dolphin aquarium doing backflips for them and they stop to watch her and it's like they're really into watching it. | ||
| Two of them are just sort of sitting there watching. | ||
| One of them seems to be like grinning. | ||
| It seems like they're really smiling, like they think it's funny or weird. | ||
| Have you seen when they look in the mirror? | ||
| Have you seen those videos? | ||
| That's amazing! | ||
| They pose and they really are into themselves. | ||
| They're very aware of what they are. | ||
| And I think it's cool to them to see themselves. | ||
| They don't get to see that under the ocean ever. | ||
| So all of a sudden they have a mirror. | ||
| It's got to be a weird thing to have that sort of branch of development where their cerebral cortex is very evolved. | ||
| They have this very complex language and dialects. | ||
| And so complex and so different from ours that we don't understand it. | ||
| We are trying to pick out patterns and bits and pieces, but as far as anyone being able to translate dolphin into a code that you could read as English text, no one's been able to do that. | ||
| They can't do it. | ||
| But yet they understand what you're saying when you say, hey, you want a piece of fish? | ||
| You want a piece of fish? | ||
| Do your flip and they'll do the flip. | ||
| They know what you're saying. | ||
| They can understand what you're saying. | ||
| But we don't understand what they're saying. | ||
| It's really kind of interesting. | ||
| It's fascinating, man. | ||
| I think a lot of what they're doing... | ||
| I saw some documentary on them. | ||
| I wish I could remember what it was, but it's how their language is... | ||
| A lot of it's movement, too. | ||
| It's not just the sounds they're making, but on top of it is the movements that they're making with the sound. | ||
| And it's also relational to... | ||
| It's like more of a dance that they're doing with... | ||
| What do you call it? | ||
| A pack of dolphins? | ||
| What do you call it? | ||
| I think it's a pack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like they have more of a unified consciousness than human beings do. | ||
| They're more of one thing. | ||
| And so the communication is something that's not as much based on... | ||
| Is it a school of dolphins? | ||
| A school. | ||
| A pod! | ||
| Pod. | ||
| Pod. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| A plurality of wives. | ||
| They move in very strange ways together like that. | ||
| That is kind of cool. | ||
| And they also... | ||
| They're capable of using sound to measure where they're at and their distances from each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Their languages are really incredibly evolved and complex, and they're really beautiful in the fact that they're very friendly to human beings, and they're playful with human beings, but what's really freaky is they're rude as shit to each other. | ||
| They regularly rape. | ||
| They have these rape caves where they'll... | ||
| Tuck a female dolphin in and just fucking rape her forever. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They kill babies on a regular basis. | ||
| And then orcas will kill dolphins. | ||
| Orcas will target dolphins and kill them. | ||
| Dolphin talk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were talking about they found that dolphins have names for each other. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Is that craziness? | ||
| Dude, did you see that cartoon someone did, Scientifically Accurate Duck Tales? | ||
| No. | ||
| Will you play that, Brian? | ||
| Can you play that for Joe? | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| It's like Duck Tales, but the way ducks really are. | ||
| That cartoon Duck Tales. | ||
| Remember Duck Tales? | ||
| Oh, that's so cool. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Yeah, it's really violent and funny and disturbing. | ||
| Is it violent? | ||
| Ducks are violent. | ||
| It's like all creatures are kind of fucked up. | ||
| I mean, all creatures are not innocent and... | ||
| It's interesting, but ducks rape too. | ||
| Jamie, are those glasses over there right behind your butt? | ||
| Are those dirty glasses or clean glasses? | ||
| I think they're clean. | ||
| Lick it. | ||
| Tell me what's up. | ||
| Don't lick it. | ||
| Those look like clean glasses. | ||
| Yeah, bring those bitches over. | ||
| You got some ice? | ||
| Scientifically accurate. | ||
| I think what they're doing right now with zoos and dolphins, I think this is the last generation that does that. | ||
| That's my prediction. | ||
| My prediction is that they're going to realize in a few years that what they're doing is really evil. | ||
| It's evil and it's unnecessary and they're not allowed to do it anymore. | ||
| The United States is not allowed to kidnap dolphins and take orcas from their families. | ||
| They're not allowed to do it anymore. | ||
| So they have to be bred in captivity or they have some other... | ||
| They're realizing, oh, this is scientifically accurate. | ||
| A duck just got run over. | ||
| And another duck ran over and he's fucking the dead duck. | ||
| And they're shitting their pants. | ||
| I wonder if various feminist movements have gotten a hold of this making fun of rape. | ||
| Are you trying to spread rape culture? | ||
| This is quite rude. | ||
| I think this is rape culture. | ||
| I am not. | ||
| I'm trying to raise awareness about the fact that ducks are raping each other and that it should be stopped. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| You're cool, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am. | |
| It seems like, I mean, the way this is happening, it's almost like a rape apologist video. | ||
| That's why they had a woman do it. | ||
| You know, she's like the Uncle Tom of the feminists. | ||
| Oh, that she sang it? | ||
| Yeah, she sang it. | ||
| It's not a man sang it. | ||
| Well, I mean, they, Ducks, rape. | ||
| I can't believe you said that again. | ||
| What about a trigger alert? | ||
| And I think Ducks deserve to rape. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Because I'm into rape culture, man! | ||
| I like it! | ||
| What's your favorite part about rape culture? | ||
| Ah, the paintings. | ||
| The way the guy's breath smells? | ||
| I like going to a... | ||
| On your neck? | ||
| Yeah, no, I like the symphonies. | ||
| It's like, it's funny they call it a culture. | ||
| I'll have a tiny bit, please. | ||
| How dare you, tiny bit. | ||
| The culture. | ||
| Well, the idea of calling it, like, rape culture. | ||
| Some people protest that because when you put something into that sort of a box, like, oh, it's rape culture. | ||
| Well, then, is there a murder culture? | ||
| Because there kind of is, right? | ||
| There's a gun culture. | ||
| Whenever you want to, like, define something as being negative, you call it a culture. | ||
| Oh, watch out. | ||
| That bottle is about to fall. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| What are we drinking here? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a... | ||
| Bad company? | ||
| Who gave that to us? | ||
| Smells good. | ||
| Somebody gave us that whiskey a while ago. | ||
| I think this might have been the Armenians. | ||
| We got this from Ronda Rousey. | ||
| You want some? | ||
| No, I'm good. | ||
| Still drunk. | ||
| You're still drunk? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Brian's living the crazy rock and roll life. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| And it really caught up to him over the last couple of years. | ||
| If you follow his Instagram or his Twitter while you guys were in San Diego for Comic Con, it's all just drunken rampages and girls sticking their butts out. | ||
| The whole thing was a mess. | ||
| That was so much fun, man. | ||
| Comic-Con. | ||
| Have you ever been to Comic-Con? | ||
| The only time I even went down there was with you. | ||
| It was when we did shows last year at American Comedy Co. | ||
| But I didn't go to the Comic-Con thing at all. | ||
| I thought it would be too chaotic. | ||
| The guy from Breaking Bad, he wore a mask. | ||
| The Leeds guy wore a mask of his character. | ||
| So nobody would know who he is? | ||
| Yeah, and it was like a super realistic mask. | ||
| Oh, that's a good move. | ||
| It was kind of like Mission Impossible mask. | ||
| So he's like walking around and everyone's like, oh, can I get a picture with you? | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| That's dope. | ||
| And then when they had the panel... | ||
| They called his name and he came out of the audience and sat down and everyone was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Who's this weird guy with a mask on? | ||
| And he just takes off his mask and it's so weird because he's like taking off his own face. | ||
| Yeah, maybe I'll go next year and check it out. | ||
| It seems like something you have to do. | ||
| I heard Patton recorded his comedy special there. | ||
| Dude, seriously, I went to me and Jam Band. | ||
| No, it wasn't you, Benji. | ||
| We went from the beginning of the line and walked to see how far it went. | ||
| We went around the whole entire place, went down the street, around this other building, down this other street. | ||
| It was the longest line I've ever seen for stand-up comedy in my life. | ||
| Where was the venue? | ||
| What was the venue? | ||
| It was a theater that was down the street, like a big theater. | ||
| What theater? | ||
| I don't know, but it was a... | ||
| Is it the one that I did last time? | ||
| Did you go with me the last time I was there? | ||
| I didn't go with you the last time, no. | ||
| San Diego's badass. | ||
| I like it a lot, man. | ||
| There's a lot of great spots. | ||
| Pandora? | ||
| I want to say I did the Pandora. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a beautiful theater, too. | ||
| It's pretty dope. | ||
| Yeah, there's House of Blues there. | ||
| That's a great place to perform. | ||
| American Comedy Company. | ||
| Like, it used to be that there was no comedy clubs in San Diego. | ||
| There's... | ||
| There's Madhouse right down the street. | ||
| Madhouse and American Comedy Company together, and then there's the theaters too. | ||
| It used to be that San Diego had La Jolla, they had the Comedy Store, and that was it. | ||
| But now it's like a genuine comedy community down there. | ||
| I just fucking love it down there. | ||
| I love that comedy club too. | ||
| Right next to Mexico. | ||
| American Comedy Company is great. | ||
| Did you go to Mexico? | ||
| No, but Yoshi almost talked me into it because I guess people are saying that it's not as bad as everyone's saying. | ||
| Right when you go over, you just get in the taxi, tell them to take you to this one place, and there's like 200 hookers, and you just pick which ones you want out. | ||
| Dude, let me just tell you before anything. | ||
| On my show, I was interviewing a disease specialist. | ||
| I interviewed some new guy who scared the fucking shit out of me. | ||
| There's a new form of gonorrhea that they cannot cure. | ||
| In the Philippines, they're finding it in Southeast Asia. | ||
| And this form of gonorrhea, that's the warning shot, folks. | ||
| It's making its way over here, and you can't cure it. | ||
| And it kills a lot of people. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| So you just have, like, green shit coming out of your dick for life? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what happens. | ||
| Your dick probably rots off. | ||
| Falls off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what happens. | ||
| I really don't know what happens. | ||
| But when someone says he can't cure gonorrhea, that ain't good. | ||
| That can't be good. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| No, that's fucked up. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| One of the things about this show that's been fucking terrifying is talking to disease specialists. | ||
| Duncan and I went to Galveston, Texas, and we went to this Level 4 lab, which is the highest level. | ||
| That's where they deal with Ebola and hemorrhagic viruses. | ||
| Those hemorrhagic flus, they tear apart your body and you just bleed out of every hole. | ||
| Seems like a place not to go. | ||
| Dude, I was scared to go. | ||
| I was scared to go. | ||
| And Duncan and I missed our flight. | ||
| So when we went, we had like zero hours sleep the next day. | ||
| We slept for one hour. | ||
| We missed our flight just from talking. | ||
| We weren't even stoned. | ||
| No, we were just having fun talking. | ||
| We were just laughing. | ||
| Oh, you were at the airport? | ||
| At the airport. | ||
| We were at the airport drinking beer, eating pizza, and talking. | ||
| And then we casually forget that there's a time that flights happen. | ||
| Well, I was wrong. | ||
| I thought it was 20 minutes later than it was. | ||
| And it was 10 minutes before the flight. | ||
| They had locked the doors. | ||
| And I was like, oh, no. | ||
| Why won't you let us on? | ||
| They're like, we've already locked the door. | ||
| I go, but it's right there. | ||
| You can't just let us on? | ||
| Is it really that hard to open the door? | ||
| I'm not a terrorist. | ||
| They didn't call your name over the intercoms? | ||
| Or maybe they did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't think so. | ||
| No, because you had to take a tram to this place. | ||
| Yeah, it was a crafty situation. | ||
| But the bottom line is, Duncan and I, we waited at the airport, and then we flew there, and then we went from there with no sleep, got some coffee, and went to meet this disease specialist at this creepy fucking lab where they keep rabies. | ||
| This lab is a... | ||
| This lab is straight out of every movie where a plague starts. | ||
| It's guarded. | ||
| It's got an outside shell around it. | ||
| It's got a shell that's basically around another building. | ||
| That has within it different security levels. | ||
| And in the deepest security levels, that's where they keep the hemorrhagic fever. | ||
| That's where they keep the Ebola. | ||
| Four foot thick cement walls and the whole deal. | ||
| HEPA filters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was really... | ||
| They showed us the filtration system. | ||
| I mean, they really have it locked down. | ||
| But it's in Galveston, Texas. | ||
| And it's where tornadoes hit. | ||
| Hurricanes hit. | ||
| It's like right next to the ocean. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's like all the good shit is way up high. | ||
| So if the water comes in... | ||
| Theoretically, the water will never reach the areas where the diseases are. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, it's so crazy. | ||
| When you really stop and think about what a gamble that is, Montana used to be underwater. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| The whole fucking thing used to be under the Great Western Inland Sea. | ||
| So they're just banking that Galveston's going to stay above ground? | ||
| What if a massive shift in the Earth's crust happens? | ||
| If there's a giant earthquake right off the coast? | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| That fucker's underwater now. | ||
| How well do you have that lockdown? | ||
| They claim it's totally locked down and completely safe. | ||
| I was thinking about it, and I was thinking of the outrage and the hubris and all that of having a zoo of deadly viruses. | ||
| But then what freaked me out even more is I realized that's necessary. | ||
| We need that because of the gonorrhea that you're talking about and all the countless other things that are happening all over the planet all the time. | ||
| That is definitely the thing that creeped me out the most doing this show was the bio-apocalypse. | ||
| That shit is... | ||
| It's real and scary and provable and a matter of time. | ||
| And when you see the look on these people's faces, they look like people with a burden. | ||
| They're people who are operating under the burden of the knowledge that it's only a matter of time before the right duck shits in the right farmyard and the right kid eats that duck meat and that kid sneezes on the right person and... | ||
| 20 million people die. | ||
| It's only a matter of time. | ||
| It's like the earthquake that's gonna come to LA. Like, it's not a matter of if, but when. | ||
| And these people are desperately trying to understand how to create vaccines for shit that maybe doesn't even exist yet. | ||
| That's scary, man. | ||
| Well, they've got a hold of it so far. | ||
| It is scary, but it's also really incredibly fascinating that our bodies are essentially ecosystems. | ||
| We're not just a person. | ||
| You're a whole bunch of different life forms coexisting together. | ||
| And there's more bacteria cells in your body than there are human cells. | ||
| The whole thing is a mass of life. | ||
| There's E. coli and all this different flora that lives on your skin. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why probiotics, why you always see me drinking kombucha, I drink this stuff every day. | ||
| I drink it like crazy and I never get sick. | ||
| Build your immune system up. | ||
| Well, it doesn't just build your immune system, it actually creates troops. | ||
| It creates healthy bacteria troops that fight off aggressively, fight off incoming troops. | ||
| Wow, that's weird. | ||
| So if you come in contact with funky colds or weird shit on your hands, the acidophilus and various probiotics will actually go after that stuff and keep it from taking hold. | ||
| Whereas if you have an unhealthy skin flora, and you know, ironically, what gives you an unhealthy skin flora? | ||
| Using antibacterial soap. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Using antibacterial soap is bad for you. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Most stuff you can cure with just soap and water. | ||
| Unless you're a surgeon and you're about to cut someone's heart open and you're worried about MRSA. What you really want is good soap. | ||
| Just soap. | ||
| And there's in fact soap that actually fosters healthy skin flora. | ||
| There's some stuff called Defense Soap that a lot of grapplers use. | ||
| And if you go to DefenseSoap.com They sell this healthy soap that has tea tree oil and eucalyptus and all these natural remedies for healthy skin flora. | ||
| Promotes healthy skin flora and cleans off all the negative shit. | ||
| You shouldn't be fucking with antibacterial soap unless you have a real doctor-prescribed issue for it. | ||
| That's crazy, man. | ||
| I didn't know that because when I go to the airport, I'll buy one of those little tubes and slather my hands with it every five minutes. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| That's not that bad. | ||
| Putting it on your hands is not that bad. | ||
| When you wash your body with it, that's when shit gets weird. | ||
| You can wash your hands with antibacterial soap and you'll be fine, but regular old soap and water will kill anything that's bad. | ||
| You should wash your hands. | ||
| You should wash your hands on a regular basis, especially when you're touching a lot of things in public places. | ||
| Then you touch your eyes, your face. | ||
| I mean, that's how things get spread. | ||
| But washing your hands just with soap and water can fix most of that. | ||
| But when you wash your body with antibacterial soap, You really fuck up the whole ecosystem on the surface of your skin. | ||
| I knew a dude who had chronic ringworm. | ||
| He started getting ringworm from grappling and started getting it everywhere. | ||
| I think it was Andy Bravo who schooled him on it. | ||
| Who said, okay, what are you doing? | ||
| How are you getting this all the time? | ||
| What are you taking? | ||
| Do you use Lamisil? | ||
| Lamisil is something that kills it. | ||
| Do you take probiotics? | ||
| You've got to not use antibacterial soap. | ||
| You've got to figure out how to bring your body back to health. | ||
| Because this is a symptom of an issue. | ||
| What ringworm is, is an invading army. | ||
| And it's got a stronghold in your system. | ||
| And it has a stronghold in your system because your system is weak. | ||
| So let's figure out why your system's weak. | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| And that's the holistic approach that very few people take. | ||
|
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They just go, I've got to put some antibacterial soap on this bacterial problem. | |
| It's not just that. | ||
| You're a whole system, you know? | ||
| But it's really hard for us to wrap our heads up. | ||
| Because I'm not a system, I'm me. | ||
| You're Duncan Trussell. | ||
| That's Brian. | ||
| Like, we're people, right? | ||
| I'm a person. | ||
| I know who I am. | ||
| You're not. | ||
| No, there's like a consciousness that's moving this school of cells. | ||
| And this school of cells, there's a lot of shit going on there. | ||
| That's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| That's a crazy thing to think about, that we're just like a tightly woven school of bacterial fish swimming through the coral reef of matter. | ||
| Well, do you one better? | ||
| Each individual cell is almost entirely space. | ||
| So we don't even know what the fuck we are. | ||
| We're this combination of different cells that share some sort of a strange relationship with each other. | ||
| And each cell is mostly just nothing. | ||
| Yeah, it's a harmony, and by the way, it's a harmony that's destined to fly apart into a million pieces eventually. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That's the other, definitely. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe they figure out a way around that, Duncan Trestle. | ||
| Maybe that's not good. | ||
| Maybe we were talking about when we did the Robo-apocalypse show, where we deal with Robo-sapiens. | ||
| Duncan and I and Ari went to this Global Future 2045 conference in New York City and met with all these futurists. | ||
| Are we going to get in trouble saying all this stuff? | ||
| I thought we were supposed to keep our... | ||
| We're not giving away any secrets. | ||
| We're just talking about how badass it was. | ||
| That was badass. | ||
| Cool conversations we got to have with these people. | ||
| Yeah, it was amazing. | ||
| We're in strange times, people. | ||
| Strange fucking times. | ||
| And getting stranger every goddamn day. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| It's getting weirder and weirder. | ||
| Beautiful and weird and... | ||
| I wish... | ||
| It's just an interesting thing, man. | ||
| I'll tell you, if you keep doing this show, man, you're gonna stumble upon something fucked up. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| That's you, man. | ||
| You always go to that. | ||
| Dead babies. | ||
| Nancy Grace. | ||
|
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You're gonna stumble on some demonic possession thing. | |
| You're gonna be in the woods. | ||
| You're gonna find some people. | ||
| They're gonna be sacrificing virgins. | ||
| You're gonna have to make a decision, man. | ||
| And it's gonna be like a Star Trek thing or StarCraft thing. | ||
| You're going to have to move your dongles into a certain place. | ||
| Your dongles? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| There's no dongles in StarCraft. | ||
| See how angry he got? | ||
| Oh, it was real. | ||
| It was real, folks. | ||
| It was real. | ||
| It was beautiful, but it was real. | ||
| Duncan Trussell is back on the comedy horse. | ||
| He will be appearing tonight at the Ice House with lovely Brian Redman. | ||
| Under the comedy horse. | ||
| I don't know what this is going to be like. | ||
| Tom Segura. | ||
| Why do you say that? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Don't be negative. | ||
| You're creating your own reality. | ||
| This is the secret, okay? | ||
| I haven't been on stage in two months. | ||
| It's a secret. | ||
| Every comic I know hasn't been on stage in... | ||
| It's gonna be great. | ||
| It's gonna be the greatest set of my life. | ||
| Every comic that you know that hasn't been on stage in what? | ||
| Says what? | ||
| Says what? | ||
| If you haven't been on stage in two months. | ||
| That sucks? | ||
| You get a spanking from the gods of comedy. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| We all know this! | ||
| I took three months off once. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When did you do that? | ||
| A long time ago. | ||
| I was burnt out and I just decided, you know what, I'm in the middle of so much shit, let me just take some time off. | ||
| And it was the longest I had ever taken off a comedy. | ||
| And then I remember getting back on stage and I was like... | ||
| Oh, this is nice. | ||
| Like, immediately fell right back into it. | ||
| I miss it. | ||
| First setback was weird. | ||
| Second setback was comfortable. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I'm excited about it, but I know I've got to pay the piper a little bit, and I'm willing to pay that price. | ||
| You're still performing. | ||
| See, that's one of the things that I've found about doing podcasts and doing them on a regular basis, especially, like, you get used to talking in front of people. | ||
| You get the anxiety that fucks up your set. | ||
| That's alleviated. | ||
| You're always going on these rants. | ||
| I mean, you're doing these rants when we do the podcast for the show in front of just the suits and the camera people and the folks that work on the show. | ||
| And you're going right into it. | ||
| Going right in the flow. | ||
| You're not being self-conscious. | ||
| You're completely in the moment. | ||
| And I think a lot of that has to do with doing a lot of podcasts. | ||
| Yes, for sure. | ||
| Yes, it's definitely a skill that you develop, and you get better at it. | ||
| You're right, man. | ||
| It is a form of performance. | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| It's a lot less anxiety-provoking than getting on stage, but I'm excited about getting on stage again. | ||
| I want to get back into walking around the Ice House. | ||
| You know, just like being in a comedy club, this thing starts rising in me like, fuck, I miss this, man. | ||
| It becomes such a huge part of your life, you know? | ||
| But it's like, sometimes you do have to take a break. | ||
| I had to take a break. | ||
| I couldn't go on stage after my mom died. | ||
| It was just too weird. | ||
| It was like, I just didn't want to spend any mental energy dealing with that. | ||
| I told you about the time I went on stage after Phil Hartman had died. | ||
| I had one of the worst sets of my life, like after Phil Hartman had died, where I fucked up and I was just starting to get my stage legs back under me. | ||
| And then I was at a gas station and I ran into a friend who's a police officer. | ||
| And he gave me some details about the case that I didn't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'll spare everyone the morbid details, but it was enough to really freak me the fuck out. | ||
| And then I went on stage and just, I couldn't be funny. | ||
| It was impossible. | ||
| I had nothing funny to say. | ||
| I just ate shit. | ||
| And I knew in the middle of it that I was never going to pull myself out of it. | ||
| I knew I shouldn't have been up there. | ||
| I should have taken more time off, you know? | ||
| Whatever amount of time, I don't remember how many weeks it was that I took off. | ||
| It just wasn't enough. | ||
| Sometimes I think you gotta do that, and I think in comedy sometimes a more athletic mentality gets applied to it, which is like you just gotta keep constantly punching the bag no matter what, no matter what, just punch the bag, no matter what, just go through it. | ||
| I think if you're gonna be doing stand-up your whole life, shit's gonna happen. | ||
| that's going to make you have to take some breaks from time to time. | ||
| Well, even that as an athletic point of view is a bad point of view. | ||
| Because one of the key things to athletes is don't get yourself in a rut and keep going. | ||
| Recognize what you're doing. | ||
| Step back. | ||
| Assess. | ||
| Reanalyze. | ||
| Go back into it. | ||
| And also, if you get injured, don't keep going. | ||
| Rest up. | ||
| Give yourself some recuperation. | ||
| And I think that a life injury, like losing a loved one, that's a life injury. | ||
| And you've got to recuperate from that injury. | ||
| And you have to deal with emotional damage the same way you deal with the damage to a ligament or damage to a muscle. | ||
| Yeah, and grief has its own pattern. | ||
| It's really curious because you can see that there's like a cyclical thing where it's terrible in cycles, but then it gets better and better and better. | ||
| It's really interesting, man. | ||
| It's a very natural thing, but I've heard of comics who, after their folks die, keep doing stand-up. | ||
| I just don't know how you do that. | ||
| You've got to sit on the bench for a while. | ||
| I just bought a bird feeder. | ||
| I bought bird feeders and just sat on my porch and You know, right after it happened, I was sitting on my porch and I had bird feeders and the birds had started showing up. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is great, man. | ||
| This is really nice and peaceful. | ||
| And the birds are showing up to the bird feeder. | ||
| And then there's this whack! | ||
| And a fucking bird flew into the window right in front of me. | ||
|
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I'm like, I can't escape death. | |
| I just killed a fucking bird. | ||
|
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Stop getting so comfortable, bitch. | |
| And on that note, I love you, buddy. | ||
| I love you, too. | ||
| Thank you very much, man. | ||
| Hey, thanks for putting me on your show, Joe. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| It is so cool having you. | ||
| You made the whole thing much better. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| We had a good time, as did Ari Shafir. | ||
| Thanks to LegalZoom. | ||
| Go to LegalZoom.com. | ||
| Use the code name ROGEN. Save yourself some money. | ||
| Thanks also to Stamps.com. | ||
| Use the code word J-R-E and get yourself a special offer. | ||
| Thank you to Onnit.com. | ||
| Go to O-N-N-I-T and use the code name Rogan. | ||
| God damn, I say these same things so often. | ||
| It's impossible to do it any other way, folks. | ||
| Use the code name Rogan. | ||
| Stick it up your butt and put mushrooms on it and it'll grow spores. | ||
| And those spores will take over the universe. | ||
| And then those spores will eventually be housed in Galveston, Texas behind 15 miles of glass. | ||
| Maybe that's what the earth is for humans. | ||
| We love the fuck out of you guys. | ||
| The West Coast version of the new show, Joe Rogan Questions Everything, starts in six minutes. | ||
| Hope you enjoy it. | ||
| If you don't enjoy it, that's cool too. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| It's tough out there for a pimp. | ||
| I'm not a pimp. | ||
| He's a pimp. | ||
| You're a pimp too. | ||
| Love you guys. | ||
|
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What does that mean? | |
| What a terrible way to end it. | ||
| We were doing so well and I just ran out of words. | ||
| Yeah, thanks everybody. | ||
| We'll talk to you soon. | ||
| We'll see you next week. | ||
| And I'll see you this weekend if you watch the UFC fights or if you live in Seattle and you go into the Moore Theater. | ||
|
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|
Holla! | |
| Bye! | ||
| See you soon. | ||
| Love you. |
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