If you have a situation like you want to become incorporated, you want to become an LLC, you want to make a will, you want to handle some standard legal stuff, most of the time you got to go to a lawyer.
You got to make an appointment, go somewhere, sit down, talk to some dude or a woman, give them a ton of money, and it's very frustrating that you can't handle that stuff on your own.
LegalZoom, though, allows you to handle most of those types of transactions, like wills, like becoming an LLC. All those things you can do online, naked, okay?
You don't even have to be sober.
You could be playing with yourself.
You could have your cock in one hand and a mouse in the other, and no one can stop you, man.
They can't tell you what to do.
They don't own you, okay?
If you go to their silly little legal box, the legal box, we have to say hi to the lady that sits at the desk and wants to fucking jump off a bridge.
You have to say hi to that chick bored out of her skull.
And then you have to give up credit card information, your address, and your this and your that.
And they can also get you in touch with a legitimate, independent attorney.
If you get along the process...
I've done this before with certain things where you're going over some fine print of something.
You're like, okay, I gotta stop here.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
This shit just got deep.
I just went into deep water.
Well, if you feel that way...
LegalZoom can connect you with an independent attorney.
And LegalZoom is not a law firm.
They just offer you legal services online that you can do yourself.
They will guide you through it.
But if you get confused, they will hook you up with an attorney.
Use a codename ROGAN. Save yourself some money.
We're also brought to you by Stamps.com.
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So if you get a box from Brian Redman, it's been touched by his DNA.
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I mean, it's not dangerous DNA, but, you know, you could convict him of something if you wanted to, like, take that box, and he licked things on there, and you could say, this motherfucker licked my ass, and just stick it on your ass, then go directly to a doctor, and then they swab your ass with a cue.
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An excellent service.
One that we fully endorse here on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast.
This episode is also brought to you by Onnit.
And this is the last sponsor.
I swear to the baby Jesus.
On it, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive nootropic...
Most people don't know what the fuck you're talking about when you say nootropics.
What nootropics are is essentially vitamins that enhance the way your brain functions.
It gives you all the fuel that you need to create neurotransmitters.
The building blocks, if you will.
Very controversial stuff.
Read up on it, but one thing that I can tell you with...
We've already done the first in a series of double-blind placebo tests and had excellent results with AlphaBrain.
So that was a big relief because you take something and even though you read a bunch of shit that says it does really good and even though you read all these positive results and even though you read even peer-reviewed evidence about the actual ingredients that are in AlphaBrain, Until you get your own double-blind placebo study, people don't give a fuck about you.
Unfortunately, we did it with 20 people, and four dropped out.
It's not enough to have a full-blown study, so we're going to do another one.
But the point is, the results were positive, and it was done the correct way, double-blind placebo style.
And it showed improvements in memory, improvements in cognitive function.
We'll explain it all once the piece is published.
But it's a huge weight off my back and a lot of other people's back.
Because, rightly so, whenever someone comes out with something that says it's a brain-enhancing supplement, people start thinking about all those big dick pills that you see in those porn ads that don't really work.
You start thinking about a lot of other snake oil-type situations.
I personally have been using nootropics, though, for a long time.
I started out with...
Bill Romanowski's Neuro One.
It's a combinatory thing like this.
You mix it, you make a drink out of it.
I read about it, and Bill Romanowski was a football player.
He started making that stuff and using nootropics after dealing with head injuries from concussions from football.
It's a fascinating topic that most people are kind of ignorant about.
But if you're interested in it, I suggest you pursue it because there is definitely some fruit at the end of that tree.
It was about Bobby Collins, the comedian, was doing a talk show out of his apartment, and in the opening montage of his talk show is Sam Kinison's comb-over, and it's flying around the air getting pelted by meteors while it's flying around.
Just explosions.
His comb-over is flying around in the sky, and the meteors are hitting his comb-over.
It was the most nonsensical, ridiculous, you can't make this up dream.
And I woke up in the middle of it because my alarm went off and it was one of those where it's like you're right in the middle of REM sleep and your alarm wakes up and you're like, what the fuck?
It's helped me understand the part of myself that is delusional or the part of myself that is either too eager to disbelieve something or too eager to believe something.
That's where my pendulum swings.
And in that middle place, people don't like that middle place.
That's one of the reasons why I do so many different things at the same time.
I don't like to be comfortable that much.
I mean, I like to be comfortable in friendships, and I like to be comfortable in relationships, but as far as work stuff and life stuff and my pursuits, whether it's competition or exercise, I don't like to be comfortable.
I think that's the enemy.
I like to be plenty comfortable when I'm home and I'm lounging and chilling with my family or hanging with my friends.
I love being comfortable with them.
But other than that, I don't like it.
So when it comes with an idea, like an idea of what is or isn't, what is or isn't possible, that middle spot of the pendulum where it's all weird, that's my favorite spot.
Because I like when you're in a situation and people go, Bigfoot!
You believe in Bigfoot!
And then you bring a guy like Jeff Meldrum, that guy that we talked to, that anthropologist, who has got a PhD, an expert in human movement, and he starts explaining things like the metatarsal break that you find in these footprints that indicates it's built like a gorilla's foot, not like a human foot, because human beings don't have...
And then you see this break and he demonstrates it, and then you start going, huh...
You're talking to a fucking smart dude that believes his shit.
Yeah, and what's important when I say that I like to be in the mystery, what I really mean about that is if it's a mystery.
And there's some shit that's not a mystery at all.
And that's also a part of the thing.
It's recognizing what is an actual mystery.
And when you do find it, like the nature of reality, if you get to one of those weird ones, the possibility of a universal power that's controlling the world and moving it into a certain direction...
The idea that this is all some sort of a mathematical program and that good and evil and sex and love and all this different shit, good and bad, all sort of make sure that this thing keeps moving.
That's the real mystery.
It's not chemtrails, okay?
You know what I'm saying?
It's not ghosts.
Right.
There's plenty of mystery.
The real mystery is, does every decision that you make literally branch off and start a whole new reality and a whole new universe that you live in?
Because sometimes it feels like that, and I'm not sure, and I don't think you're sure either.
When someone tells me they're sure, or they're sure it's not, or they're sure it is, either one of those, it's unacceptable.
Because you can't be sure.
There's things that you can't be sure in.
Those things are really weird, and it's hard to get comfortable in those things.
It's hard to get comfortable holding on to those ideas and pondering them because a lot of them, the implications, they transfer through your entire life.
The implications are, well, if you really are building up a career but you're just a part of the ether and you're part of some sort of a gigantic superorganism, why are you concentrating so much on yourself?
Why are you twisting your mustache at the end with wax?
Why are you doing this?
Why are you buying $2,000 shoes that you hope somebody notices?
What are you doing?
What is going on?
Are those things distracting you from the mystery?
It seems like there's two parts to a person, which is the part that is the personality, the conditioning, everything you've learned, all the tricks that you've learned from other people, a lot of imitation, you know, a lot of observing things and imitating them and forgetting that you imitated them.
There's probably personality components in us that we picked up in the fourth grade from some kid we thought was cool and just forgot about it and it stuck inside of us.
And so then, there's this idea that we're kind of like, the human body itself is a hive.
And it is a hive within which dwell all these different bees.
And the bees are all the different aspects of our personality.
We're not one person.
We're a harmony of personalities that are always sort of rotating through.
Because if you think of the you and you're really pissed off, Whenever you're yelling at someone or in a state where you find yourself in a confrontational place, and then you think of the you when you're chilling at home with your family, that's like two different people, you know?
That's the idea, is that there's all these different parts of us that are rolling through all the time, always rolling through, and that we are constantly working to uphold the continuity of being by acting in certain ways all the time.
And quite often you'll hear, like if you're in a relationship or something, someone will say like, Yes.
And you see when people say that they're channeling or when people are, quote, demon-possessed.
Really what's happening is one of these personalities that has gotten shoved way deep down in the dark part of the hive has managed to claw its way out.
And it's so different than all the other ones that people are like, this guy has got a demon in him.
When really the truth is we're just this cluster of selves that are all sort of like...
I heard there's this mystic named Gurdjieff who described it as like a mansion where all the servants are running amok.
So it's a mansion where all the servants who are supposed to have certain jobs in certain areas where they work in the mansion have just lost...
have forgotten what they're supposed to be doing.
They're all going crazy.
And so the modern person is wandering around with this kind of constant...
Chaotic stream of personalities that aren't disciplined in any way.
And so the beginning of spiritual life or the beginning of discipline, martial arts, whatever the thing is, is where the master of the house returns.
And that's considered the personality that develops once you control all those different facets of the self.
And that's what you become, is the master of the house who's gone away.
And while he was away, all of the servants went nuts.
It's amazing because you feel like you're with somebody who has actually lived during that time.
When he was describing Mayan sacrifices, when he starts talking about that, it's not like reading it in a history book.
Like when he talks about the jagged flint tools to slice open the chest.
I'm not even doing it.
I don't know what accent I'm doing.
It's a terrible accent.
Terrible accent.
But the thing he was talking about today, and it was inspired from talking about his book, is this idea, a Gnostic idea, which is Gnosticism is this weird philosophy that believes that It's a terrible accent.
That everyone worships currently in all the different religions, the Christian God, the Muslim God, any God that's being worshiped is actually an evil force known as the Demiurge.
It's something that is Where does this concept come from?
And that's why people overwhelmingly throughout human history, there's never been a period of time where no one's done anything evil.
Ever.
There's never been a period of time, as far as we can tell, as far as written history, there's never been a period of time where nobody controlled anybody, nobody hit anybody, nobody murdered anybody, nobody stole anything, nobody raped anybody, nobody beat their kids.
There's never been one time where like, nothing happened bad for like a year.
Everybody was just hugs and love and kisses.
But yet, we hold on to this idea that, well, people are mostly good.
We're basically good.
People, in their hearts, all people are basically good.
But if you look at the totality of the behavior of human beings, and you factor in the time of utmost peace, the time of ultimate peace, It's a zero.
There's zero percent ultimate peace in the totality of the human race.
There is, in this book it talks about, I can't remember the town, but there is an area that is run completely by a guy named Uncle Rulon, or was run by this guy named Uncle Rulon, who is a Mormon fundamentalist.
These people are rejected by the mainstream Mormons because the government came in at one point and said, you guys can't be polygamous.
It's illegal.
And so they had to renounce polygamy.
And this was something that, according to this book, Joseph Smith said was the essence of Mormonism.
It's one of the most deepest, most important parts of Mormonism is that you have multiple or what they call a plurality of wives.
If you are a fundamentalist Mormon, you are only supposed to have sex with your wife when she's ovulating, which means if you only have one wife, you're only going to have sex a few times a month.
Once a month.
I don't know when women ovulate.
Once a month.
If you have 15 wives...
You can fuck every night.
So it's very important to have as many wives as possible because then you could have sex with them all the time and they're always humping.
And a lot of these guys have so many children.
I can't remember which one it was.
It might have been Uncle Rulan.
I can't remember which one.
Had so many children that they named them...
According to the year.
So if you were born in like 1979, your name would have an A. So it would be like Annabelle, Angus, Ari, and then you would know what year your kid was born in by the first letter of his name.
That's how many kids they're having.
So then you have girls, and your girls get to be the age of 14, and you've got a pal.
Like if I had a 14-year-old kid and I was a fundamentalist Mormon, I'd be like, Why don't you marry my daughter, Lori?
She just started bleeding.
And then I would give her to you and you would immediately start fucking her.
And so that's what they're doing out there.
It's just like herds and packs of pregnant teenagers that have been impregnated by these older dudes who have so many wives.
And this shit is...
I think it's still going on today, man.
there's whole communities dedicated to this polygamist lifestyle which is a lifestyle that Joseph Smith said was one of the most important aspects of Mormonism according to this book.
The other thing about Joseph Smith, do you know what he did before he founded Mormonism?
Before he was doing the seer stone and the angel Moroni, before he was using the seer stone and the angel Moroni came to him, he was actually getting work convincing people like, hey, look, I've got a magic rock and I can find your silver for you.
because there was like a guy who hired him because he knew that there was some silver hidden up in the hills somewhere.
And Joseph Smith went around with like quartz, looking through the quartz.
And finally, after like three months of hiring him by the month, they took him to court.
And they're like, hey, this guy can't really find treasure with that rock.
Wouldn't you have loved to have seen a video of him talking, of Joseph Smith talking and explaining his strategies and what he does and what Mormonism is all about?
Here's a man who's just basically like a classic con artist.
Come on, man.
You're really telling people you can find treasure with a rock.
No one's ever found treasure.
That's something like when I was in the third grade that I would lie about to a kid in the playground or something.
But this guy was making money off of it.
It's just very interesting to see something grow roots and flourish in the way that Mormonism has when just with a very simple investigation into the...
You've got lawsuits.
There's written records against Joseph Smith because he was taken to court for lying to people.
But meanwhile, when we were in Utah, we were in Utah the other day, and Duncan and I show up, and when we arrive, there was these hordes of people that were waiting for these elders.
And the elders are the young kids that go away on a mission.
All Mormons, when they're young, they're supposed to go on these recruiting missions as elders.
Where they go, they wear a suit and tie, and they go to third world countries, or wherever they go.
Some of them go to their world countries, and they recruit people.
And so these guys were returning from their missions, and they were all dolled up in their finest suits and with their ties on.
And when they showed up, people would just scream and cheer.
For Duncan and I, it was so strange, because we're like these weird heretics that are walking through them.
And so, by the way, they're also one of the highest per capita users of antidepressants because of the fact they're not allowed to drink, they're not allowed to take coffee.
They are allowed to take prescription medications.
So when you tell people, like, wait, no, really, the entire planet or North America wakes up, slurps back a drug every morning just to get ready to go to their jobs.
And then they take, what are they called?
Coffee breaks.
Coffee breaks.
If you heard someone like, hey, I'm going to go take a cocaine break, do you mind?
You just like go to instantaneous, like an instant relaxed.
I'll try to think of a description of it.
Okay, think about a night when you've had a really good show, and you wake up the next morning, and you're laying in bed, you've had a good sleep, you're not hungover, and that dawning realization, like, man, that was a good show last night, but you're still relaxed and laying in bed, and you're like...
The ruthlessness of the day-to-day grind can also give you anxiety.
The idea that even though it's Friday and you're off of work, oh my god, I'm going to have to go back there on Monday and I'm going to work eight to nine hours, whatever I have to do, including over time, and then I'm going to do it again on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, and then on Thursday, and then on Friday again, and then I'm going to get a little break again.
And during that break, I've got a lot of shit to do, so it's not really a break.
And just that alone, as it accumulates over time, then you start to accumulate bills and you start to accumulate responsibilities, social responsibilities, physical responsibilities.
And the pressure of all that can freak you the fuck out because it's a never-ending, just a line of ants that goes on for millions of miles.
They're all tasks.
Every ant that you see in front of you, every dot, just like a million pages is all things you have to do.
Things you have to read.
If you have a job, a regular job, especially, that's one of the reasons why you should never, if you can avoid it, never have a job.
I mean, if you need to have a job, get a job.
But if you can find something that you love to do, you don't have a job.
Then what you are is a lucky fuck.
And then what you have is a cool gig.
You know, like whether if you're a comedian or a chef or a carpenter, something you love.
You know, a guy who builds motorcycles, he loves it.
Yeah, I want to mention the idea that I've been thinking about.
It's called a temporal...
Temporal peripheral vision.
The temporal periphery.
So like humans develop peripheral vision to deal with predators so that it's something to our side.
We could see a predator coming and so we have this kind of like side view that helps us out.
It's a very important thing.
Some animals don't have that.
They can only look straight forward.
But we can see off to the side a little bit and that's a super important evolutionary trait.
Well, we also have the exact same thing, but it's a temporal peripheral vision where we can think about the past and we can think about the future.
And anxiety is always related to things that we're looking at in the temporal periphery.
Nine times out of ten, if you come into the present moment...
you won't feel anxious.
You could be sitting in a doctor's office about to go get your CAT scan, and if you could really pull yourself just into the moment and what's happening there, you wouldn't be, you'd be 90% less afraid.
But the moment you step past that sliver of the present moment, that light beam, and into the darkness of the future, that's where the anxiety pounds your fucking ass, man.
It's like touching an electric fence.
Because things are always fine.
If you really look at it, things are always fine.
Up until the zombie rips your intestines out of your stomach, things are generally pretty okay.
You know?
So that's the real conundrum and I think that's the thing that is so perplexing about it being a human being is you know that you're carrying around with you the ultimate treasure, which is the present moment, but you can't stay in it.
You don't have the discipline to stay there.
Fully.
You're always wandering off into the future, always wandering off into what you have to do, what's coming tomorrow, what's coming in the next few minutes.
You know what I mean?
It's so curious that right there in front of us is the ultimate Xanax.
You want the universe to be something that's more gentle or something that's more compassionate.
But it really does seem like a huge portion of what makes people great is their ability to overcome internal difficulties or external difficulties and failure.
And that's something...
That when you're failing, it won't give you any, it won't help you.
When you're failing, thinking like, oh, this is, I guess this is helping.
I guess it does relieve some of the pain of the thing when you realize that you're in a kiln and the failure is the heat that's sort of transforming you into something.
They serve like an evolutionary purpose or a purpose that's in line with progress.
A purpose that's in line with moving forward and taking things to a next level.
Which is where we always feel at our best.
I always find that one of the reasons why I try to do a lot of things at once is because I like figuring things out and I like when things get better.
I like when a joke that I'm working on becomes better.
I like when it grows and becomes real.
I like when you write something down and then you add to it and then it becomes better.
I like getting better at a skill like a martial art or a game.
I love getting better at video games.
It's a great feeling.
And if you're not getting better at things, if you don't have some sort of improvement and movement, if that's not the general trend that you find your life in, I find that I don't feel happy.
I find that that greatly affects my happiness.
And I also find that's one of the most difficult things to achieve if and when you have a job that you don't enjoy.
Because the majority of your time and focus during the day, they take all your best hours, man.
You think about what a job is, a nine-to-five job.
They take the hours that you are the most awake, the most tuned in, the most aware, the most focused on the world.
So if you want to figure out how to get out of your job, you've got to take your weakest time.
That's all they give you.
They give you your time where you're the most tired and most likely to sit in front of the TV and the most likely to just have a beer, the most likely to take a nap.
They give you those times.
And they say, alright, you want to get out of this fucking system?
Well, this is why I like chanting and I think chanting is a fantastic tool that you can use in those times because chanting is something that you can do...
You don't say it out loud, but in your mind you can start doing a mantra.
You definitely don't have to say mantras out loud.
You can just say it in your mind so that in the midst of when stress comes, you can actually start training yourself to start doing a mantra inside of your mind.
Watch, become mindful, and you will see that some percentage of you is focused on the task at hand.
But then another part of you is always thinking, always thinking, always processing, always a whole other conversations always going on in people's minds.
It's an inevitability.
And some people have more focus than others, but in general, there's always that part of the mind that's like an electric wire in a puddle that's just sort of skipping around and spraying out random thoughts.
Well, that's the part of your mind that chants.
That's the part of your mind that you begin to train to start doing a mantra, which is like a simple mantra, so that that thing, if you can, instead of it being like, oh man, what the fuck?
God, I hope the CAT scan doesn't mean I have cancer.
Jesus Christ, man.
I wish my jizz was wider.
I fucking hate that song.
Whatever your mind is stupidly spraying out, you start training.
And that's why I think it's a funny term, attention deficit disorder.
Because these kids, there's no deficit in attention.
Maybe it's an attention control disorder in the sense that they can't control what they focus their mind on.
I know I have an attention control disorder because I can be sitting on my porch and then look down at my phone and not look up for another 15 minutes.
But I'd much rather have the ability to lock my attention onto anything I wanted to with the exact same level that gets locked onto things that I enjoy.
Because I think if I could do that, then I would be able to...
Yeah, but certain things like books, especially like really long novels, like I'm just listening to The Stand, the Stephen King audiobook, The Stand.
Oh, it's good.
But I'll tell you, the first two hours, there's a lot of shit in there that doesn't involve people coughing up sprays of thick, briny plague mucus and wandering through an apocalyptic wasteland.
There's just a lot of character development that's not that fun.
But you need to focus on that because it brings the characters to life more.
It kindles the fire of the story.
And also, running.
When I go jogging, the first 30 minutes or 20 minutes aren't exactly a blast.
My mind's going everywhere.
But then this thing will kick in where suddenly you're like, this is fucking amazing.
It feels so good.
But to get there, you need to get through the first 30 minutes or however long of not enjoying it.
Or fucking jujitsu.
When I was taking jujitsu with Eddie Bravo, my mind was everywhere.
I know if I just had the ability to focus on that for a year, Then that would have radically transformed my life.
So that's why I say I wish that I could figure out a way to make my mind Become immersed in anything that I wanted to instead of what it wanted to get immersed in.
Not only can you still do it, what you described is the very difficult aspects of things that you really enjoy.
It's a subset or another aspect of how you find what you enjoy and make what you enjoy better.
And that involves doing things that you don't enjoy at all.
It involves work.
And that's the weird sort of thing that happens to kids when they learn a sport or they learn a martial art or, you know, you try out for the wrestling team or something.
You realize, like, I love wrestling, but to get really good at wrestling, you got to go through wrestling practice.
And that's a motherfucker.
And that's, like, this thing that you learn in life.
But...
When you're dealing with something that you want to describe as attention deficit disorder, I don't think that applies to that.
I think all that is is a conditioning of discipline and a recognition that discipline is like a mode that you can put your mind into and that you can achieve.
And it's also one of those things where if you have a characteristic that you cultivate on a regular basis, then it becomes a part of who you are.
If you get used to an act, you get used to a habit, all you have to do is do something for 90 days and that will become who you are.
You say, I'm going to take yoga every day for 90 days.
It seems impossible.
People have been doing it for years.
You can do it.
Just get up every morning at 8 o'clock, whenever the fuck the class is, and take it for 90 days.
You will be a fucking yogi by the end of those 90 days.
That will be who you are.
But how many people ever actually do that?
That's the discipline that life requires, and that's one of the lessons that you learn once you apply yourself to something.
You learn how to develop your human potential.
And one of the ways of developing it is to force yourself Into and through situations.
But you still love the things that you love, like video games, like doing stand-up comedy.
The things that don't require the discipline at all.
You still pursue them and have this passion for them.
It's just there's other stuff, too, that's not on the surface.
If you're going to play a real game of StarCraft, you've got to eat your cashews and drink your Coke, and then you start playing.
You might be able to take some swigs of water in the first four minutes or so when you're building up your army and your little zerglings are just beginning to grow.
And the passion in his voice when he describes StarCraft, it's like, man, if you put that much effort into anything else in your life, this is a real problem is that those things don't pay off.
They don't give you anything back.
You get really awesome at them, but...
Then at the end of the day, you don't have a car.
You don't have a house to show that you're the best tennis player.
If you go to Team Liquid, I saw somewhere there was a listing of how much...
In fact, when players start playing in tournaments as part of their credits, they will show the amount of money that they've won over the course of their career.
I just think it's a drug, and I think that it's like some drugs have benefits, and I think that it's a digital drug, and I think that when you're playing...
You know, when I'm playing a video game for a long time, for a really long time, like when I was addicted to World of Warcraft, which I'm not anymore, which I don't play anymore, but when I was addicted to World of Warcraft, which was a true video game addiction, And I think about spending a couple of days playing that game as the main activity of my day.
I don't really see much of a difference in physical activity between me and somebody who just got on the spike and shot some heroin into his veins.
You know, he's going to be sitting on the couch nodding in and out.
I'm going to be sitting on my chair focused on a fantasy world and clicking buttons.
But our caloric, we're not burning a lot of calories.
We're just kind of sitting in a...
In other words, if my monitor was turned off and I was just sitting there, Doing the same thing, I might as well be...
It's like heroin, except that I don't have a chemical inside of me, so it's a drug.
That's exactly what you just described as a great strategy.
And that's part of the fun of the game is like you start learning new strategies.
There's cheese strategies is what they're called, which is like when you attack within the first six minutes or four minutes, it's lame.
Cheese is lame.
So like you can, instead of spending your time building a giant army if within the first five minutes you can build a very small army and get that into your enemy's base taking them by surprise and they haven't built up any defense then you can sometimes defeat your enemy within the first five minutes of the game because they weren't prepared for what's called a rush and that's called a cheese attack and it pisses people off And it's so fun to piss people off when you're playing because then they'll chat
I keep praying that Blizzard releases some version of it where each member of the armies can be somebody else playing Halo-style, so each of the armies are like, each individual troop is being controlled by some other player somewhere else.
Not 200 units, but it's like 200 supply is what it's called.
Because for every unit requires...
The Zerg, to create units, you'll max out your units.
So you start off, you can only have ten units on the board, and then you have to build a thing called an Overlord, and for each Overlord, you can build another five units.
I mean, I think that's going to be one of the problems that we see is people are going to get sick and people are going to, like, go into cardiac arrest.
He was talking about some kind of mix of psychedelics and video games.
So it's like, not only are you going to be putting the rift on, but you're going to be taking some synthetic drug That helps you merge into the video game more so that you can merge into it more.
Yeah, see, this to me speaks to me as an individual, as a human being experiencing life.
Like, I know I'm just in a video game, but you're running around with a machine gun, you're flying around in a plane, It's like you're seeing it from the point of view of an actual player.
When you're looking at it above, I'm sure it's really cool, but it lacks that feeling like it's actually happening.
Duels are fascinating because they got it down to when they know when weapons would respawn.
So the whole key to a duel was controlling the map.
You had to know where the rocket launcher is.
You had to get to the guy before the rocket launcher respawned.
You had to make sure that he never got a good weapon.
So all you have is like a little blaster when you spawn, and then if someone kills you and they're all armored up and they're filled with weapons, they can fuck you up.
And the key is like, you gotta figure out a way to kill that guy while he's all armored up.
It's very, very difficult, and it becomes like this massive duel to get to various strong spots on the map.
Oh yeah, like these girls, like the, you know, I forget who, I think it was Sarah Tiana has a bit about it where, where, you know, like the girls that are growing up nowadays thinks it's normal to get cummed on their face.
So, you know what I mean?
Like, that's what you're supposed to do when you have sex, you know?
Or you're supposed to have a fist in your ass once in a while.
Because the porn is so shocking and crazy, and they're watching it at such a young age that usually, back in the day, you used to look at a Playboy and go, that girl has nice boobs.
But you're not seeing crazy, full-on XXX porn back then.
Disney should do a cartoon about like a tribe of crabs living in the pubic hair of someone who's on the verge of shaving her pussy and they've got to like convince her not to do it.
I need to start wearing pants that are too big and then, like, get a belt that ties them down because when pants fit my waist, they don't fit my troll-like thighs.
I think I'm going to have to buy them the right length but a wider waist just to see if they make the legs.
They must make your legs bigger than they figure you're a fat fuck.
I got a real problem with that though because on TV I look like I'm wearing girls jeans because my jeans are tight on the top like I'm wearing skinny jeans.
You can see my package is all bundled in there and tucked.
I don't think that this is a fundamentalist organization.
It's some form of fundamentalism.
Maybe.
From what I looked, though, it didn't reference religion at all.
It seemed to be that it was just an organization that thinks that pornography itself is detrimental to society and to relationships.
And I can see how they would say that, but I say no.
I say, though the behaviors...
Of people that are addicted.
Those are the things that are detrimental to societies.
And those behaviors can manifest themselves in porn.
They can also manifest themselves in gambling.
They can manifest itself in a lot of different crazy things.
People are fucking nuts.
And the regular day-to-day job of no risk, no reward, That pattern of life is not fucking rewarding.
And because of that, people go on these nutty chases off into the woods of craziness.
And they'll bet their entire house on a fucking hand of cards.
They'll do nutty shit.
That, I mean, it's not always because of mundane jobs, but there's a part of us, whatever it is, whatever's the cause of it, the point is there's a part of human beings that will just get obsessed with something and get crazy with something and just fucking run with it and then go, oh Jesus, what did I do?
It could be that with pornography, but it could be that with almost anything.
And if you looked at the amount of people that watch pornography and aren't crazy and don't objectify women because of it and aren't mean to people because of it and don't hate and don't want to rape and kill, I would have to assume that that's much larger.
And there's also studies that show that people that are exposed to whether it's extreme, like rough sex or different types of sex or different sexual acts, that it can ease their desire to perform those acts.
That it can actually, especially things like rough sex.
There's some people that have fantasies about that.
They can watch it in a porn and never want to hit somebody.
And they think that it can have some sort of an alleviating effect.
I don't know if these studies are biased.
I don't know if they went into it trying to prove something and if it's been rejected by science.
But I know the argument is kind of strange that it has that sort of alleviating effect that has that sort of a release mechanism effect.
Like violent movies, a lot of people feel the same way.
I find it incredibly strange that...
We have no problem with violent movies.
There's very little blowback to these Batman movies or zombie movies or all these different movies.
But yet, if there was that same type of extreme sexuality in a film, we would lose our fucking minds.
But isn't extreme violence just as disturbing, if not more disturbing, than extreme sexuality?
Like, one, you have, like, just pleasure-seeking people...
Trying to reach temporary utopian states by coming.
On the other, you have people actively killing each other and yet somehow people even bring those two together.
It's like talking about dragons versus butterflies.
One's just supposed to be fun.
I think that's one of the...
That's one of the problems with this repressed sexual culture that we live in, is that what ends up happening is people watch porn, and what they're seeing a lot of times is the result of sexual repression.
You know when you get that creepy narrator?
I'm sure we've talked about this before, but that guy who ruins the porn?
Well, it's because a long time ago, some really fucked up dudes started controlling everything.
And it's been going on and on like that for a very long time.
And we're the descendants of super sexually repressed, fundamentalist, religious fanatics who came over here to start utopian societies and as part of their understanding of things decided that they were going to lock that pussy underneath a Bible and That's where we're at today.
It's not like she did something that was really cool and interesting and then people really got into it and then she's doing this as a parody.
No, she's always done that.
that thing there that she's always done that like bill burr had this whole areas bit about chuck berry and john lennon doing a solo together the duo rather and there they're saying this song and you know john lennon's they're singing a yoko ono is like playing the fucking tambourine the background and she just pulls up a microphone goes She makes this crazy noise.
And you can see the look on Chuck Berry's face.
Whoever made the video of the Bill Burr thing did an awesome job.
And Yoko, in the middle of it, can't handle that she's not getting any shine.
She takes the fucking microphone out of the stand, starts playing the bongo, and as they're singing, you know, go, go, Johnny, go, whatever, she picks up the mic and I swear to God goes, some fucking crazy shit.
unidentified
And you see Chuck Berry's eyes.
Fucking open as wide as they are, and it's that fucking look.
I'm saying, by the time it gets to the point where you're going through somebody's emails to see if they're cheating on you, that ship has left the port.
It's over.
Whether they're cheating on you or not, you guys are so unconnected that you don't know what they're doing.
That's a giant general question, and that's the problem, because it really depends entirely on the moment.
It depends entirely on you, that person.
The variables are so vast.
The variables of people, the variables of scenarios, the variables of lifestyle, the variables of culture, the variables of what part of the world you're living in.
There's a lot of variables when you're going to answer that question.
And it's like, why are you not loving with that person?
In that scenario, I feel like you have an obligation to be kind to the people that are around you as much as is humanly possible without compromising your own sanity.
Without getting to the point where someone's taking advantage of you being kind and they're just ruining your life and acting like a shithead all the time.
And you're like, hey dickhead, how about pay attention to yourself?
How about you not do this?
How about you not spew out every stupid thought that comes out of your fucking mouth that ruins everybody else's conversation?
Because you're doing something really selfish.
Sometimes you have to do that.
Sometimes you have to regulate.
But other than that, if you go into work hungover, that's on you, bitch.
Be nice to everybody.
And as a human being, you should do it because you want to do it.
And if you think, I don't want to do it, you're in the wrong frame of mind personally.
Period.
And that's not a generalization.
In that type of a scenario, what I thought you were talking about was inside the confines of a relationship.
And if you don't feel loving to someone inside the confines of a relationship, well, you know, there's so many possible variables.
But I ultimately think if you're a balanced person, if you are at least in the mode of balance, like trying to attempt to achieve balance, you should go with your instincts.
And if this is not the person for you, this is not the person for you.
Well, men and women are so fucking radically different as human beings with the hormone levels, the life experiences, the goals and dreams, and the fact that men want to fuck women and the fact that women are willing to let men fuck them.
It's like...
All of it is so bizarre.
Yeah.
You know, it's so it's there.
So we're so radically divided in like who we are.
And then yet we love each other.
And yet we're constantly around each other.
And if you're in a relationship that, you know, is you really enjoy and is really serious.
You're around them all the time, like most of the day.
On a regular basis, you know, and it's it's strange.
Greg Fitzsimmons has a fucking great bit about it where he talks about, like, if I had to choose to be with one person on an island for the rest of my life, he goes, if it was you or my wife, I'd be like, sorry, honey, I'm going to live with Joe on an island.
He goes, because we're going to have fun.
He goes, when was the last time you went?
I'm going to have a great conversation with my wife.
He's like, that doesn't fucking happen.
He's like...
He goes, yeah, I love her.
Yeah, we have children together, but I'm hanging out with my friend.
He goes, yeah, we're not going to get any sex, but so what?
We'll just go jerk off in the bushes and then we'll make each other laugh for the rest of the day.
And that's because we're men and we understand men.
And that's why when women get together and they tell jokes about purses and shoes and fucking Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever the fuck they're into...
Whatever their style of person is into.
Whatever.
Feminist jokes.
Whatever.
They get together and they laugh at the shit that they think is funny.
And if you were there, you'd be like, oh fucking Christ.
But for them, it's so awesome.
They're laughing.
And they're LOLing and they're saying stupid shit to each other that they like to hear.
Why?
Because they don't have estrogen.
Or they don't have testosterone, rather.
They have estrogen.
They have ovaries.
They don't have a penis.
They have a vagina.
It's a totally different setup.
It's a different animal.
It's a totally different thing.
So for you to try to become what she wants you to be, that's madness.
And for you to want her to become what you want her to be, that's madness too.
You've got to figure out what each other is and just sort of accept it.
And as soon as you don't do that, You're fucked.
You're fucked.
You're just going to fucking hit the rocks.
It's not going to last.
It's going to fall apart.
You're closing your eyes and hitting the gas.
And one day, eventually, you're going to hit something.
It was shocking because at that time I didn't realize that that was some women associated my four minutes or five minutes of lubing up my hand and jerking off to some random clip is like something offensive.
It's about SeaWorld, and it's about the way they kidnap orcas and bring them in and how the orcas, like, you know, every once in a while, the orca will, like, grab one by the arm or kill.
One of them got killed.
An orca killed one of them.
But, you know, these are super intelligent beings that you're keeping in a swimming pool, basically.
And it's just torture and a hellish existence for them.
Did you see that woman in front of the dolphin aquarium doing backflips for them and they stop to watch her and it's like they're really into watching it.
Two of them are just sort of sitting there watching.
One of them seems to be like grinning.
It seems like they're really smiling, like they think it's funny or weird.
It's got to be a weird thing to have that sort of branch of development where their cerebral cortex is very evolved.
They have this very complex language and dialects.
And so complex and so different from ours that we don't understand it.
We are trying to pick out patterns and bits and pieces, but as far as anyone being able to translate dolphin into a code that you could read as English text, no one's been able to do that.
They can't do it.
But yet they understand what you're saying when you say, hey, you want a piece of fish?
Their languages are really incredibly evolved and complex, and they're really beautiful in the fact that they're very friendly to human beings, and they're playful with human beings, but what's really freaky is they're rude as shit to each other.
They regularly rape.
They have these rape caves where they'll...
Tuck a female dolphin in and just fucking rape her forever.
And it really caught up to him over the last couple of years.
If you follow his Instagram or his Twitter while you guys were in San Diego for Comic Con, it's all just drunken rampages and girls sticking their butts out.
No, but Yoshi almost talked me into it because I guess people are saying that it's not as bad as everyone's saying.
Right when you go over, you just get in the taxi, tell them to take you to this one place, and there's like 200 hookers, and you just pick which ones you want out.
But the bottom line is, Duncan and I, we waited at the airport, and then we flew there, and then we went from there with no sleep, got some coffee, and went to meet this disease specialist at this creepy fucking lab where they keep rabies.
I was thinking about it, and I was thinking of the outrage and the hubris and all that of having a zoo of deadly viruses.
But then what freaked me out even more is I realized that's necessary.
We need that because of the gonorrhea that you're talking about and all the countless other things that are happening all over the planet all the time.
That is definitely the thing that creeped me out the most doing this show was the bio-apocalypse.
That shit is...
It's real and scary and provable and a matter of time.
And when you see the look on these people's faces, they look like people with a burden.
They're people who are operating under the burden of the knowledge that it's only a matter of time before the right duck shits in the right farmyard and the right kid eats that duck meat and that kid sneezes on the right person and...
20 million people die.
It's only a matter of time.
It's like the earthquake that's gonna come to LA. Like, it's not a matter of if, but when.
And these people are desperately trying to understand how to create vaccines for shit that maybe doesn't even exist yet.
So if you come in contact with funky colds or weird shit on your hands, the acidophilus and various probiotics will actually go after that stuff and keep it from taking hold.
Whereas if you have an unhealthy skin flora, and you know, ironically, what gives you an unhealthy skin flora?
Unless you're a surgeon and you're about to cut someone's heart open and you're worried about MRSA. What you really want is good soap.
Just soap.
And there's in fact soap that actually fosters healthy skin flora.
There's some stuff called Defense Soap that a lot of grapplers use.
And if you go to DefenseSoap.com They sell this healthy soap that has tea tree oil and eucalyptus and all these natural remedies for healthy skin flora.
Promotes healthy skin flora and cleans off all the negative shit.
You shouldn't be fucking with antibacterial soap unless you have a real doctor-prescribed issue for it.
See, that's one of the things that I've found about doing podcasts and doing them on a regular basis, especially, like, you get used to talking in front of people.
You get the anxiety that fucks up your set.
That's alleviated.
You're always going on these rants.
I mean, you're doing these rants when we do the podcast for the show in front of just the suits and the camera people and the folks that work on the show.
And you're going right into it.
Going right in the flow.
You're not being self-conscious.
You're completely in the moment.
And I think a lot of that has to do with doing a lot of podcasts.
I told you about the time I went on stage after Phil Hartman had died.
I had one of the worst sets of my life, like after Phil Hartman had died, where I fucked up and I was just starting to get my stage legs back under me.
And then I was at a gas station and I ran into a friend who's a police officer.
And he gave me some details about the case that I didn't know.
Sometimes I think you gotta do that, and I think in comedy sometimes a more athletic mentality gets applied to it, which is like you just gotta keep constantly punching the bag no matter what, no matter what, just punch the bag, no matter what, just go through it.
I think if you're gonna be doing stand-up your whole life, shit's gonna happen.
that's going to make you have to take some breaks from time to time.
It's really curious because you can see that there's like a cyclical thing where it's terrible in cycles, but then it gets better and better and better.
It's really interesting, man.
It's a very natural thing, but I've heard of comics who, after their folks die, keep doing stand-up.
I just don't know how you do that.
You've got to sit on the bench for a while.
I just bought a bird feeder.
I bought bird feeders and just sat on my porch and You know, right after it happened, I was sitting on my porch and I had bird feeders and the birds had started showing up.
I'm like, oh, this is great, man.
This is really nice and peaceful.
And the birds are showing up to the bird feeder.
And then there's this whack!
And a fucking bird flew into the window right in front of me.