May 7, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:20:17
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Yeah, it is, right? | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| Wow, you recorded one. | ||
| Beautiful, Jamie. | ||
| And my fucking laptop is on. | ||
| This is my real laptop, folks. | ||
| It's not like we have a dedicated laptop in the studio. | ||
| I actually use this laptop on the road. | ||
| It's not just here. | ||
| This laptop is mine. | ||
| It's very important to me, Donald. | ||
| Thanks for warning me about the werewolf in the lobby. | ||
| Scared the shit out of me when it came in. | ||
| Did that thing make you shit your pants? | ||
| It was eyeballing me. | ||
| Speaking of shit in your pants... | ||
| I didn't tell you that it was there? | ||
| No! | ||
| Jamie, tell me about the law. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell me about the law of shit in your pants you were reading. | |
| There's a headline here that says... | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| San Francisco just... | ||
| San Francisco finally able to ban people who shit on their subway. | ||
| They finally can ban people. | ||
| Before it was considered okay. | ||
| San Francisco is a beautiful place. | ||
| It's a very unusual place. | ||
| Just go into that corner. | ||
| It's important for a place like San Francisco to exist. | ||
| To be that far off the left wing trail. | ||
| You know what's interesting about it? | ||
| They're really conservative up there. | ||
| They're just conservative liberals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's very well put. | ||
| They're unbending. | ||
| You know exactly what they think on every issue. | ||
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.com. | ||
| I don't know if Squarespace is in San Francisco, but a lot of smart motherfuckers are. | ||
| A lot of smart dudes up there, Tom Herrera. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Well, they got Sunnyvale right near there with all the techno people. | ||
| Yeah, Atherton and all that. | ||
| Squarespace is a website-building website. | ||
| If you've ever thought about starting your own business, Website, just to fucking write shit down, just to create a blog, just for fun, just to, you know, whatever. | ||
| Make a website with pictures of you and your friends. | ||
| Start a business. | ||
| If you wanted to do that, Squarespace is one of the easiest ways to do it. | ||
| Unlike in the past where you had to get to know a program and learn Dreamweaver or actually try to code it yourself with HTML, which is so beyond my grasp. | ||
| I wouldn't even think about attempting to do that. | ||
| I know how stupid I am. | ||
| But with Squarespace, you can do it, and it's pretty easy. | ||
| There's a bunch of different cool designs, and you don't have to even pay to try it out. | ||
| If you go to squarespace.com forward slash Joe, you don't need to give them any credit card. | ||
| Just go and check it out. | ||
| And if you want to use it, then you use the code name Joe, and what is it now? | ||
| It's 5. It's fucking May. | ||
| Joe5. | ||
| So that's one word. | ||
| It's Joe and the number 5 together. | ||
| So Squarespace.com forward slash Joe and the offer code is Joe5. | ||
| It's a really cool website building machine, really. | ||
| It makes it so much easier than back in the Diz-A. And you can make a really competent site and you can build an online store. | ||
| Super easy to do. | ||
| So go check it out, you fucks. | ||
|
unidentified
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Got through it. | |
| That was good. | ||
| Do you like that? | ||
| I threw that angry part at the end. | ||
| It made me legit. | ||
| It was a good pitch. | ||
| Even though I'm selling them something. | ||
| You got ghetto on them. | ||
| I gotta get my street cred back. | ||
|
unidentified
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Bitch. | |
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, you know, folks, there's a certain amount of grossness in selling anything, and I will absolutely admit that. | ||
| There's a certain amount of grossness in saying the same thing over and over again. | ||
| Go to Ting, and Ting's a cool company. | ||
| Yeah, but at least you don't sell shit you don't believe in. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| And if I'm wrong about any of this stuff, I'll let you know as well. | ||
|
unidentified
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What if Ting turned out to be evil? | |
| Ting was a secret branch of the government. | ||
| Designed to get you more happy with your phone. | ||
| People were getting discontent. | ||
| Ting came along with a better deal. | ||
| Calm everybody down. | ||
| It's another conspiracy. | ||
| Tom, we need people on the phone. | ||
| We need them on the phone. | ||
|
unidentified
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All the time, man. | |
| Let's make it cheaper. | ||
| Come on, let's make it cheaper. | ||
| Have you ever met anybody through... | ||
| Well, you wouldn't have to. | ||
| You've been... | ||
| You're with somebody, but the idea, like, because I saw black people meet black people. | ||
| They have one commercial. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's just a place for black people to meet black people. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like a website? | |
| Like, they're so hard. | ||
| Why don't you just go to a black neighborhood? | ||
| Go to a bar. | ||
| They have a website. | ||
| Well, there's nothing wrong with being specific, you know? | ||
| I mean, if you... | ||
| I can't imagine Italians meeting Italians. | ||
| Hey, Antoinette! | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| There's gotta be an Italians looking for Italians website. | ||
| There's gotta be. | ||
| Yeah, it's like JD. Yeah, because Italians love other Italians. | ||
| I've never been out with an Italian girl. | ||
| Oh, they're the worst. | ||
| They're the best and the worst. | ||
| I've related to them. | ||
| They're savages, sexually. | ||
| They're fucking animals. | ||
| Oh my goodness, they're fucking beasts. | ||
| They're like... | ||
| Yeah, they're savages. | ||
| They're savages. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I like a girl who's not like me. | ||
|
unidentified
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You used to say, she's a good kid. | |
| She's a good kid. | ||
| But the last Italian girlfriend I had, she's likely to swing at me. | ||
| She would get crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that's what my friend said to me about it. | ||
| He said, I'd never cheat on my wife. | ||
| I'd be afraid she'd stab me in the neck when I was asleep. | ||
| Yeah, this girl would like to yell. | ||
| I know you had an Italian girlfriend. | ||
| That was the last one. | ||
| Before I met you, though. | ||
| Yeah, I was like... | ||
| I think I was 21. She was a great kid. | ||
| Beautiful person, but... | ||
| They're just wild. | ||
| You keep in touch with her? | ||
| No, I do not. | ||
| No, I do not. | ||
| Just testing you. | ||
| Ting is the other podcast sponsor. | ||
| Ting is a cell phone company that uses the Sprint backbone, and what it does is they... | ||
| Have it set up so there's no contract, so you can quit anytime you want. | ||
| You buy the phones. | ||
| The phones that they sell are the best Android phones available. | ||
| They have all the high-end Android devices, including the Samsung Galaxy Note 2, which is this crazy fucking phone. | ||
| If you've never seen this thing before, it is preposterous. | ||
| It's a gigantic, preposterous phone. | ||
| What's the one that starts your car and all that? | ||
| Is there one that does that yet? | ||
| I saw it last night. | ||
| It sets the climate in the car, like if it's cold out. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| It starts your fucking car! | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| Is that really possible? | ||
| An app that starts your car? | ||
| Oh yeah, because they had those remotes for a while. | ||
| They would do it in cold, like in Montreal, cold places. | ||
| Tom Herrera, I'm not ready for this yet. | ||
| Joe, you got it. | ||
| I'm not ready for apps to start your fucking car. | ||
| I'm not ready for that. | ||
| That's too much for me. | ||
| The car pulls up. | ||
| Get in, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jesus! | |
| That's coming. | ||
| That's Google Cars. | ||
| They're doing that already, Dom. | ||
| They already have these remote-controlled cars that they drive around the city, and they drive themselves. | ||
| They react to cars coming at them. | ||
| They haven't even been getting in accidents. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| It's fucking nuts. | ||
| I still wouldn't trust it. | ||
| I can't imagine sitting in the back seat with my car driving itself. | ||
| There are a lot of fucking assholes out there, Dom, that drive cars. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking assholes. | ||
| I saw some kid the other day just weaving in and out of traffic, speeding. | ||
| He was flying past people. | ||
| Why don't they get arrested? | ||
| He just was in the wrong place at the right time. | ||
| He was doing the wrong thing at the right time. | ||
| There was no cops anywhere by him. | ||
| But the way he was driving was really crazy aggressive, cutting people off and racing in front of them. | ||
| It was dangerous. | ||
| He was cutting random strangers off, barely missing their car. | ||
| It was kind of maniacal to watch. | ||
| Every now and then you just get a person like that. | ||
| It's just really crazy. | ||
| I read an article about teenagers that their brains aren't fully developed. | ||
| And there's a reason they get in so many accidents, because their perception and their reactions are good physically, but they make wrong choices. | ||
| Terrible choices. | ||
| I was a terrible driver when I was a teenager. | ||
| Oh, I'm a terrible driver now. | ||
| See me drive? | ||
| Don't even watch me pull it out. | ||
| Would you be happy if Google came along with something and you could say, take me home, and the fucking robot car takes you home? | ||
| That's coming. | ||
| Mind if I open up a six-pack? | ||
| I would definitely. | ||
| Now, if you're drinking and driving and your car's driving itself, can you still get arrested? | ||
| It's a very good question. | ||
| Because it would have to know for sure you know where you're going. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, you couldn't tell it to, hey, go fucking drive in the wrong lane of this street. | ||
| I mean, there would have to be some sort of... | ||
| It would have to have a thing that said it couldn't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| So then it would have to be, how does it know when there's a light that turns green? | ||
| How does it know when there's a light that turns red? | ||
| And it's going to have to be plugged into the whole system. | ||
| There's going to have to be... | ||
| You know, if you really think about it, it's going to have to be like a Wi-Fi network or something everywhere that controls these cars. | ||
| I mean, they would have to have like real control. | ||
| To let a car go and just drive around with no person touching the handles and make sure that it stays on path, wow, I would think that would be really hard to pull off. | ||
| That would be hard to trust. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how you're controlling it. | ||
| I don't understand how's it getting to it. | ||
| It's got to get there from a cell phone service. | ||
| There's got to be some sort of a signal that's reaching the car, unless the car is just a robot, a self-sufficient robot, which is even crazier. | ||
| That means no one's controlling it. | ||
| That means it just goes on, you know, what it knows about what's in front of it with radar or whatever it's using, sonar. | ||
| I don't know what it's using. | ||
| Whew, that's crazy. | ||
| That's kind of nuts. | ||
| Yeah, I think... | ||
| And if that happens, that's an app. | ||
| So you get the fucking Take Dom Arrera Home app. | ||
| And you press that on your phone and your fucking car just drives you home. | ||
| Why is that so weird to me? | ||
| Of course that's coming, right? | ||
| Take me home. | ||
| Are you hungry? | ||
| That's all coming, isn't it? | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| It's amazing how technology has advanced so much in the last five years. | ||
| It's madness, Dom Arrera! | ||
|
unidentified
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Madness! | |
| We have panic attacks if we forget our cell phone now. | ||
| I have a panic attack if I forget my cell phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, it's so valuable for finding shit out. | ||
| It's so valuable for, like, going on websites. | ||
| Nobody has to read anymore because they can get the answers at their fingertips. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes! | |
| Well, it's not that you don't have to read, but, man, information is flowing so much quicker now. | ||
| Like, if you had a question before Google, it would be like a really hard thing to do to research the question. | ||
| And there was, like, a lot of people who developed some really good bullshit arguments back in those days. | ||
| And they don't hold up anymore because of Google. | ||
| Wikipedia is not necessarily always right. | ||
| So that's the only thing you ever hear in the argument. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big one. | ||
| People love to say that. | ||
| But there's always going to be people downplaying it. | ||
| But the bottom line is no one knows everything. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| And you can find more things because of this. | ||
| Like, this is amazing. | ||
| This is a great time to be alive. | ||
| This is your phone. | ||
| You fucking pick up your phone and you talk to it and tell it to go to websites for you. | ||
| I mean, this is where we live. | ||
| You ever use that Google Voice? | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| You press it and you say Dom Herrera and it'll go right to your website. | ||
| I like the one where you go call Joe. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's great too. | ||
| Calling Joe. | ||
| Almost all of them also have the ability to read text so you can talk to it and it'll write shit down for you. | ||
| Which is really helpful. | ||
| You ever use that note thing on the iPhone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's beautiful. | ||
| You can talk to it, Dom. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, yeah. | |
| Like, I can press this button and say, Dom Irera is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And it literally will say, Dom Irera is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I was trying to get a porn this morning. | ||
| Oh, you savage. | ||
| On your phone? | ||
| No, on DirecTV. | ||
| And it was because it was Cougars Seeking Kittens. | ||
| Which I don't know, I find very erotic. | ||
| Like the older women that like young girls. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's so nasty. | ||
| And the fucking thing wouldn't listen to my phone number. | ||
| I kept saying 694. She goes 695. And then I'm getting mad at the fucking computer. | ||
| I go, will you open up your fucking ears? | ||
| 694, you fucking douchebag. | ||
| This is what you get for trying to buy porn. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Why are you trying to buy porn? | ||
| It was super specific. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm too lazy to download it and shit. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| It's always much easier to use that credit card. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Because they just send it to your bill. | ||
| You don't even have to read the letters. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com and save $25. | ||
| It's a credit. | ||
| What is Ting, Joe? | ||
| It's a cell phone company with no contracts. | ||
| I like the no contracts thing because that's another commitment in life I'd rather not make. | ||
| Why do you need it for cell phones? | ||
| That always bugs me. | ||
| It's a gross one. | ||
| And they keep adding a couple years. | ||
| Every time you take it back, you're giving fair. | ||
|
unidentified
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Motherfuckers. | |
| Those motherfuckers, Dom Herrera. | ||
| Ting doesn't do that. | ||
| It's a conspiracy. | ||
| They also save you money on the bill by if you don't use, like if you use under your minutes, they credit you the difference on your next bill. | ||
| They bump you down to a lower level and they credit you the difference. | ||
| So it's an awesome company. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Check them out. | ||
| Onnit.com is our last sponsor. | ||
| Go to O-N-N-I-T.com. | ||
| If you haven't been there in a while, there's a lot of new shit. | ||
| Especially in the strength and conditioning department. | ||
| We have these Primal Bells now, which are insane. | ||
| They're the coolest fucking kettlebell in the history of the universe. | ||
| We had the idea of doing kettlebells with these evil chimpanzee faces on them. | ||
| And this chimpanzee's face. | ||
| Can you pull that face up, Jamie? | ||
| This chimpanzee's face. | ||
| It just looks like he's about to fucking kill you. | ||
| Can you see it? | ||
| I see it. | ||
| I love that thing. | ||
| Because when I work out with it, I pretend that I'd have to fight that thing to the death. | ||
| That's what I do when I work out. | ||
| It puts the fear of God into you. | ||
| It's amazing how much stronger they are than us. | ||
| We're so silly. | ||
| Because they look kind of the same size as us, so you get super confused. | ||
| But we are made out of Jell-O. And that thing is corded steel. | ||
| Chimpanzees are stupid strong. | ||
| Like, we can't even get it around our head. | ||
| It would be so strong that once it grabbed ahold of you, you would feel so helpless. | ||
| You'd feel so helpless. | ||
| A 150-pound chimp is like a 500-pound man. | ||
| Remember the one that ate that woman's face? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| They're so terrifying, these fucking things. | ||
| So, to have one as a kettlebell is the shit, son. | ||
| And it's only 36 pounds, and you're like, Joe Rogan, I ain't no pussy. | ||
| And I'm like, dude, I didn't say you were. | ||
| But the reality is I have a workout for you that will work with that 135-pound kettlebell. | ||
| I guarantee you it'll kick your ass. | ||
| It's the Extreme Kettlebell Cardio DVD. We sell it on Onnit.com, and we have the new one, Extreme Kettlebell 2. Which I haven't done yet, but I'm sure it's awesome. | ||
| The guy, Keith Webber, is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And it's a great way to, like, you force yourself to just keep up with him. | ||
| Just force yourself to do what he's doing, and it'll just kick your fucking ass. | ||
| See, I'm built like that under my present body. | ||
| I know, Dom Herrera. | ||
| You're in there. | ||
| It's in there. | ||
| It's right underneath my layer. | ||
| We're going to get you using the fucking medicine ball. | ||
| Doing some body weight squats, Dom Herrera. | ||
| Eating healthy. | ||
| Cheers to that. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Talking healthy drinking beer, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's that Deschutes Brewery Black Butte Porter that stuff the shit on it. | ||
| I said Black Butt. | ||
| Black Butt. | ||
| Fucking stupid. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| But it looks basically... | ||
| It should be like Butt. | ||
| T-T-E. Why is that Butte? | ||
| Why is it Butte? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why is Houston Street not called Houston Street? | ||
| That's a good fucking question, goddammit. | ||
| See? | ||
| I got questions as well. | ||
| I've got a lot of observations like other comedians. | ||
| Only mine aren't funny. | ||
| They're just observations. | ||
| Someday I'm going to upgrade them. | ||
| We're going to end this commercial right here and now. | ||
| This is a commercial? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For the kettlebells? | ||
| For everything. | ||
| For life. | ||
| So it was ting, kettlebells... | ||
| On it is for life, Dom Herrera. | ||
| Yo, that might be the douchiest shit I've ever said in my life. | ||
| On it is for life? | ||
| On it's for life. | ||
| If you were starting a cult, that's how you would say it. | ||
| But the reality is... | ||
| You have a cult. | ||
| This is a podcast, okay? | ||
| We're selling healthy food. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's all. | |
| You have a cult, though. | ||
| But this has nothing to do with it. | ||
| You have a following, like a cult following. | ||
| Hey, I'm a part of something that's not under my control. | ||
| It's a movement. | ||
| It's not under my control. | ||
| Use the code name Rogan. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Save some money. | ||
| Yeah, if you use the code name Rogan, you save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Just go there and check it out. | ||
| A lot of good stuff. | ||
| Healthy stuff for you. | ||
| And cue the music, Jamie. | ||
| The great, dumb, motherfucking Arrera is here. | ||
|
unidentified
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Experience. | |
| Train by DJ! My long-time friend, one of my longest-timest friends in the history of my life, Mr. Dominic Guerrero, my brother. | ||
| Thank you, John, for fuck's sake. | ||
| Dom and I have been friends for, shit, it's been at least 20 years now. | ||
| That's not weird. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| It was 20 years, right? | ||
| I brought you up in Montreal. | ||
| That's the first time I remember meeting you. | ||
| I think it was 93. Yeah, I think that was 93. And then we met in Amsterdam Billiards, and we talked for a little bit. | ||
| I didn't know you played pool, and I was all excited. | ||
| There's only a few of us that play pool, like Ferrara. | ||
| Adam Ferrara plays really good pool. | ||
| Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Fitzsimmons plays really good pool. | ||
| Ari plays good pool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I get so excited. | ||
| I remember bringing you up thinking... | ||
| This is a new-braided comedian. | ||
| This kid looks like a fucking tough kid. | ||
| Even when I didn't know you were into martial arts. | ||
| I mean, you were funny. | ||
| You were always funny. | ||
| I'm not just stroking you. | ||
| But I remember bringing you up thinking, this ain't the fucking kid who had problems with his mother that talks about this. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It was a different—and I told you this before—your group of comedians were, like, more tougher men. | ||
| I grew up with a lot of, like, nebbishy kind of— Well, I grew—well, doing comedy, I started out in Boston. | ||
| And those guys were particularly manly. | ||
| That's a good breeding ground, yeah. | ||
| They were particularly manly. | ||
| You know who made me think that I could do it, honestly? | ||
| It didn't make me think that the way I looked would be an impediment? | ||
| It was Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Because Nick DiPaolo was a great head of hair. | ||
| He was a fucking devastatingly handsome guy. | ||
| He was way better looking than me. | ||
| And he was bigger than me. | ||
| He was big, like a football player. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, he was a football player. | |
| But he was hilarious. | ||
| And I was like, whew. | ||
| It was a weight off my shoulders. | ||
| Because I remember thinking that I looked like an athlete or something. | ||
| And it looked like a jock. | ||
| If you look like a jock, like... | ||
| You're automatically categorized, and it automatically makes you less funny. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, it's definitely... | ||
| I mean, there's... | ||
| Like, look at Gary Goldman. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| Beautiful man. | ||
| Too tall, handsome. | ||
|
unidentified
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Too beautiful. | |
| Too, yeah. | ||
| Too beautiful. | ||
| He's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| He's a hunk. | ||
| He's cute. | ||
| You know what I like about him is hips. | ||
| He's got beautiful hips. | ||
| He's a fucking devastatingly handsome man. | ||
| He's big. | ||
| He's handsome. | ||
| One time Laura Keitlinger, he's hunky. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's hunky. | |
| I'd like to take him to a prison cell. | ||
| Laura Keitlinger, right? | ||
| We're in Ireland. | ||
| Remember Laura? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| Very pretty too. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She's dressed, she looks like a fucking model. | ||
| And she's dying on stage and she's really funny. | ||
| She goes, what happened? | ||
| I go, you look too good. | ||
| The guys can't laugh at you. | ||
| The girls don't think you're funny because you're too pretty. | ||
| And the guys can't laugh because their girlfriends are looking at them to see if they're looking at you. | ||
| Do you know Brian Frazier? | ||
| Do you remember Brian Frazier from Boston? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| He stopped doing stand-up, but he writes. | ||
| I haven't spoke to him in quite a bit. | ||
| But he, at one point in time, was enormous. | ||
| He was a bodybuilder. | ||
| I mean, he was super... | ||
| He's one of those super dedicated, super disciplined dudes that can force himself to work an hour and a half a day and eat strictly healthy. | ||
| He was fucking gigantic. | ||
| I mean, he was huge. | ||
| And he would go on stage with a golf shirt on. | ||
| And I had to pull him aside. | ||
| I go, dude, you can't wear that. | ||
| And he's like, why? | ||
| And I go, because you're too big. | ||
| I go, trust me. | ||
| I go, you gotta trust me on this. | ||
| I go, dude, you're my friend, and you make me nervous. | ||
| Like, your fucking arms are gigantic. | ||
| He had like pythons in his arms. | ||
| They were too big. | ||
| You couldn't not look at them. | ||
| How about Piscopo when he got... | ||
| You know those things at the carnival where you stick your head into the muscle man's body? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what Piscopo looked like. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Brian Fraser was bigger than him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm telling you. | ||
| He had to be worried about. | ||
| No, he was not. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Piscopo worried about him. | ||
| Maybe, yeah. | ||
| But Fraser was just like super dedicated. | ||
| He was like crazy dedicated. | ||
| Here's a funny fucking story. | ||
| Because he's a really funny guy. | ||
| And he looks like maybe like an Irish guy from the Midwest. | ||
| But he's Jewish. | ||
| And he at this time had like a really fucking... | ||
| You know, he's got a temper. | ||
| And he doesn't like people fucking with him. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He and I never had any problems. | ||
| But he was at a gig in Vermont once. | ||
| And we were together. | ||
| We worked together up there. | ||
| And he had a little bit of a problem with his voice. | ||
| He had a little bit of a cold. | ||
| And so he was saying to the owner of the club, he was like apologizing for his voice being fucked up. | ||
| And the guy who owned the club said something like, you know... | ||
| What are you, being a Jew or something? | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| Like, you sound like a Jew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because he didn't think he was Jewish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It was something along those lines. | ||
| It was, like, really crude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Brian went fucking crazy. | |
| He went crazy. | ||
| There was a desk between him and the guy, and that's probably the only thing that stopped him from smashing this guy. | ||
| But he was so scary, because he was, like, really fucking strong. | ||
| And I remember thinking, like, because back then... | ||
| I didn't even lift weights. | ||
| I never lifted weights in my Taekwondo days. | ||
| I was pretty skinny in comparison. | ||
| He was way bigger than me. | ||
| I was like, God damn it, I don't know if I can stop him from hurting this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| Because he's just so much stronger than him. | ||
| You could just run right through him like a bull. | ||
| But that one thing the guy said to him, like, don't be a Jew. | ||
| Like, what are you, being a Jew? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| But I remember going, oh, shit. | ||
| Like, that's the moment where you're trying to talk your friend out of doing something really stupid. | ||
| Where the moment you're like, I know how you feel, I know how you feel, and you're right to be upset, but please don't do anything. | ||
| Let's get the fuck out of here. | ||
| If you do something right now that's going to be stupid, it's a mistake, and it's going to fuck up your freedom. | ||
| You're going to get locked in a cage. | ||
| You're not going to do this. | ||
| This is not what civilized people do. | ||
| Keep the fuck away from people if you don't like them, but you don't have to beat them up. | ||
| That gets real weird. | ||
| I know when you get that look that you're thinking it, but you don't go into action. | ||
| I remember one night, some drunken kids came up to us at the pool hall, and one kid just fucking lit you up, and I just looked at you, and I thought, I know he ain't gonna lose it, but this kid has no idea the fucking danger he's in. | ||
| Well, I remember what you were talking about. | ||
| It's just drunk men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I couldn't imagine what it's like to be a woman. | ||
| And deal with a drunk man wanting to hold you down and fuck you. | ||
| You would just run into people that are just... | ||
| Maybe they're not like that when they're sober. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Some people just have a problem. | ||
| They drink and they just get weird. | ||
| But when you're around aggressive drunk dudes, it's so unfortunate. | ||
| It's like, oh, what a fucking predicament. | ||
| This has got to suck to be a chick. | ||
| And then they start repeating themselves. | ||
| But I always say, look, you know, it bothers me a little bit, but at least it's not threatening like it is to a chick. | ||
| I really always think about that when I see those kind of really drunk, douchey guys. | ||
| It's got to be a terrifying thing to have a guy, you know, want to hold you down and fuck you. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It is, Joe. | ||
| It's got to be awful. | ||
| Tell me the truth. | ||
| Tell me the truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's terrible. | |
| I can't take it anymore. | ||
| My back's killing me. | ||
| When you were saying the thing about... | ||
| It's kind of fucked that that's still around, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, with my goddaughter living with me, I can't sleep unless she's home. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And like, honestly, my godson, he's like close blood. | ||
| If he got blown at a party by the kid's mother who threw the party, I'd go, Danny, tell me about it. | ||
| And don't rat the lady out. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| It's so different with girls. | ||
| It's totally different. | ||
| It's totally different. | ||
| I was thinking of something you said before about when you said the guy was Jewish and he didn't... | ||
| You know how you're part of your culture, you're part of your background? | ||
| I was married to a Jewish woman, right? | ||
| And one day I said, not meaning it in anything, just my own ignorance, I said, yeah, maybe we can Jew the guy down. | ||
| And she said, that's really insulting. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| And she explained it to me. | ||
| So then I just started saying, let's Christian that motherfucker down. | ||
| Just to bring it back on myself. | ||
| That's funny, because Frasier got mad at me for using that expression. | ||
| Oh, that guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, same guy. | ||
| I mean, he didn't get mad at me and, like, threaten me. | ||
| You know, we're friends. | ||
| But he's like, you know, that's really a rude thing to say. | ||
| And I thought about it. | ||
| I was like, you know, I've always said it. | ||
| I never thought of it. | ||
| I didn't even think it was a bad thing. | ||
| I was like, you know, a guy's got gold chains on it. | ||
| Oh, he's guineeing it up. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, you want to get some money? | ||
| Oh, chew the guy down. | ||
| I didn't think that it was bad to be frugal. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I never connected the two. | ||
| I never meant it as an answer. | ||
| Until he said it, and then I saw it, and then it was obvious. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Once he said, I was like, yeah, I guess that is pretty insensitive. | ||
| Speaking of that, do you know that they got a guy today, 95 years old, who was a Nazi at one of the camps? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| 95 and they arrested him. | ||
| You think he's going to get life? | ||
| But seriously, did you see it? | ||
| That's a terrible thing for karma that that guy lived that long. | ||
| Argentina. | ||
| Yeah, 95. That was a big thing. | ||
| South America, right? | ||
| Yeah, they all went there. | ||
| He said he was a cook at the concentration camp. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what's scary about the Nazis? | ||
| That shit was not that long ago. | ||
| These guys are still alive. | ||
| Not that long ago, yeah. | ||
| They're still alive. | ||
| Some of them are still alive. | ||
| Well, that's what I think about when Mel Brooks did The Producers, how fresh that was. | ||
| I mean, how fucking ballsy was that? | ||
| Don't be a dummy, be a schmarty. | ||
| Come and join the Nazi party. | ||
| Remember when they were doing the goose step dance? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Remember the movie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was thinking, that was in the 60s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the war didn't end until the 40s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 45? | ||
| 47, I think it was. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Was it 47th though? | ||
| I thought it was 45, but whatever. | ||
| It wasn't that far back. | ||
| And he did this whole thing about Hitler. | ||
| It was fucking hilarious. | ||
| Total balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It was 45 at the end? | ||
| No, Brooks was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Still is. | ||
| Still is, apparently. | ||
| Brian Callen knows him. | ||
| Oh, no, no, it's Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Fitzsimmons knows him. | ||
| Says the guy just fucking hangs around, goes to a coffee shop and talk to people. | ||
| I'd love to know him. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| Like a super personable guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just a real nice guy, enjoying life. | ||
| His fucking son is a badass author. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His son is the one that wrote that World War Z movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah? | |
| Yeah, his son wrote the book, which I guess a lot of people... | ||
| I haven't seen the movie yet, obviously, but a lot of people are pissed that they deviated from the book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You know, sometimes they do that. | ||
| But, yeah, his son's a badass author. | ||
| He had two of the funniest movies ever, Young Frankenstein, Producers, Blazing Saddles, three movies. | ||
| Yeah, Young Frankenstein was fucking hilarious. | ||
| At the time, he was the man. | ||
| I mean, if you went to see a Mel Brooks movie, there's really no one to compare it to today, because he would act in them, he would write them. | ||
| He always had to sing or something. | ||
| I saw High Anxiety, and he was singing like a lounge singer. | ||
| He's going, hi, anxiety. | ||
| And he goes, Ziety, each time you are near. | ||
| You know, just the idea of Ziety. | ||
| So fucking stupid. | ||
| Mel Brooks was a genius, man. | ||
| He was a powerful, prolific genius. | ||
| He did a lot of really good stuff. | ||
| Well, at the time, it was him and Woody Allen were kind of like, I don't know. | ||
| He was more silly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Woody Allen's pretty fucking silly, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. | ||
| I love the one where he's playing the cello in a marching band, but he has to run up and sit down for a couple bars. | ||
| Take the money and run. | ||
| Have you seen Mel Brooks' History of the World? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's funny. | ||
| Man, that's beautiful stuff. | ||
| It's beautiful stuff. | ||
| At the time, there was nobody else making movies like that. | ||
| You heard it was a Mel Brooks movie. | ||
| You knew it was a certain standard of comedy that you were going to get. | ||
| It was great stuff. | ||
| Though they could never make Blazing Saddles today. | ||
| No, they couldn't. | ||
| Just too racially charged. | ||
| There could never be an all in the family today. | ||
| It's true, yeah. | ||
| I don't believe they're... | ||
| And it's sad. | ||
| It's sad that people would... | ||
| You know, the good thing is, look, it sucks that people like that ever exist. | ||
| That there really could be a guy like Archie Bunker that's that racist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's still funny. | ||
| My uncle was like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We had family members that were like that. | ||
| There were people that were worse than that, by the way. | ||
| Like, way worse than that. | ||
| He wouldn't even give black people credit for being good looking. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, if a black woman was beautiful, he'd go, that's a white nose. | ||
| She's got a white note. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He'd bring up, as if all white people are beautiful. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it was real. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He hated, like, you know, because when I was a kid, I grew up with the Beatles. | ||
| He hated the Beatles. | ||
| He hated, like, anything rock and roll. | ||
| That was a ruination of the world. | ||
| Well, you know what, Dom? | ||
| I think I used to wonder what the fuck that was all about. | ||
| And I think what it really boils down to is that people have these weird, natural, tribal instincts. | ||
| They have these weird tribal instincts, and they belong to a tribe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And whether that tribe is being a Republican, or whether that tribe is listening to fucking classical music, you know, whatever the fuck it is that they decide this is where they draw the line, this is where they take a stand. | ||
| It's a tribal thing, you know? | ||
| It's weird deviations of our need to form groups, you know, so we'll get upset about shit that doesn't matter even a little bit. | ||
| I try and not be stuck in any one era. | ||
| The only thing I was thinking, I don't even know if this is funny or not, but what's going to happen in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 15 years when there's no groups left and rap music is dominant? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Is it going to be like, motherfucker this, motherfucker... | ||
| Do you not like any rap music at all? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| What do you like? | ||
| Well, I mean, I like Snoop is great, I think. | ||
| I like Eminem, I love. | ||
| Some of the music we hear... | ||
| Would you like buy Eminem on iTunes? | ||
| Yeah, I have. | ||
| I couldn't imagine seeing Dom Herrera. | ||
| Well, you know, I get brought up to... | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| Lose Yourself. | ||
| You know, Lose Yourself? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucking great. | ||
| The beginning is great. | ||
| And just, you know, when you get one chance in a lifetime, don't blow it. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's a beautiful song. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he's a bad motherfucker, Eminem. | ||
| And I like the one, Mama, never meant to hurt you. | ||
| Tonight I'm cleaning out my closet. | ||
| It's pretty fucking heavy. | ||
| He's got some great fucking songs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got an album coming out soon. | |
| Does he really? | ||
| Good for him, man. | ||
| He's brilliant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he doesn't like to perform. | ||
| I heard that he has a problem. | ||
| He doesn't like to go outside. | ||
| He gets anxiety? | ||
| Well, you know, I mean, didn't you know how fucking famous that dude is? | ||
| He got so famous. | ||
| I mean, he got crazy famous. | ||
| He got famous to the point where it probably fucks with your head. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, I was thinking last time we were shooting pool, and you're very good with people, but the guy got on your nerves because Joe was just, we were getting tired, and both of us were kind of tired, and you said, I'm fucking racking the balls he wants to take a picture. | ||
| You're like, that made a difference. | ||
| There was no good time. | ||
| The poor guy, I mean, you were nice to him anyway. | ||
| But I just knew you weren't in the mood for... | ||
| It's just drunks. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| And that guy in particular, that was no big deal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was just, you know, someone was just enthusiastic and wanted to take a picture. | ||
| That's all good. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
| What bothers me is the drunk thing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The drunk, close to your face. | ||
| They're clunky. | ||
| Repetitive. | ||
| They grab you. | ||
| Yeah, I really like that. | ||
| Grab my neck again. | ||
| I go for that. | ||
| I'm cool with everything but the drunk thing. | ||
| And if it seems like you're drunk, it's like, ooh, boy, I don't know. | ||
| Are you drunk? | ||
| How close do I get to you, stranger? | ||
| You know, you've never seen me drunk. | ||
| I've seen you drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I've seen you drunk at the Laugh Factory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How long ago? | ||
| At least an hour ago. | ||
| An hour ago? | ||
| I don't think you've seen me drunk. | ||
| Yeah, it was months ago. | ||
| Many, many months ago. | ||
| One of the last... | ||
| I mean, I've only been in the Laugh Factory maybe three or four times over the past decade. | ||
| You're not going to come back? | ||
| No, I would go back. | ||
| I like when you do that Wednesday night show of mine. | ||
| I'll do whatever you're doing. | ||
| If you're doing shit there, I'll be happy to do your show. | ||
| Breaking balls with Dom Rear. | ||
| I'll be happy to do it. | ||
| Because I like when you do the half hour at the end, then we have the interview. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| You had a great crowd. | ||
| They were smart people. | ||
| You know, that was a fun crowd. | ||
| But I've been to the Laugh Factory, like I said, like four or five times. | ||
| But one of those times you were drunk, you motherfucker. | ||
| I was drunk. | ||
| On stage? | ||
| No, no, not on stage. | ||
| No, one time on stage I was drunk because I said something. | ||
| And then when I realized I was drunk, I said something to go... | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| You didn't even say it like in an attacking way. | ||
| You're like confused. | ||
| And I realized, oh, fuck. | ||
| You were hammering? | ||
| Yeah, because he gives me an Irish coffee. | ||
| You can't give an Irish coffee with half that there's so much whiskey the coffee's cold. | ||
| Oh, is that what he did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm drinking, I drank two of them. | ||
| Two of them. | ||
| So what is that, like five drinks probably? | ||
| Five whiskeys? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, shots? | ||
| Yeah, at least. | ||
| That makes my balls hurt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You say that like, you know what else makes your balls hurt right here? | |
| I was out to a restaurant last night with a friend of mine. | ||
| You know those guys that make everything sexual, like whatever, and the waitress was, her fish was taken long, and waitress, I'll get you some zucchini sticks. | ||
| This has nothing to do with sex. | ||
| And when she walks away, she goes, I'll give you a zucchini stick. | ||
| I'll give you the fucking, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, nothing to do with anything. | ||
| Yeah, there's dudes that always have that. | ||
| I'll give you a fucking sandwich. | ||
| You want a sandwich? | ||
| Yeah, I'll give you a fucking sandwich. | ||
| Got a nice meatball right here. | ||
| Like I said, I'm glad I'm not a girl. | ||
| I'm glad you're not a girl too. | ||
| You'd be fucking scary. | ||
| I've never seen a girl with such a defined back. | ||
| I've seen them. | ||
| I've seen some big ones. | ||
| How about the one who came out last week? | ||
| She's got an Adam's apple. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| I forget her name. | ||
| She just went into the pros. | ||
| I think her team won the national championship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brittany Griner? | |
| Yeah, Brittany Griner. | ||
| She went into the pros for what? | ||
| I'm not saying she's got like a beard on her dick. | ||
| She's so fucking masculine. | ||
| She's so masculine. | ||
| But she came out of the closet. | ||
| Who is she? | ||
| She was the all-time shot blocker in the NCAA, the women's division. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She played for Baylor. | |
| But she is like a man. | ||
| So this is basketball? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I mean, the thing is, it was nothing. | ||
| It meant nothing to anybody. | ||
| Then that guy comes out, the seven-foot guy, the twin, which he didn't tell his twin brother he was gay. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| He came out of the closet. | ||
| But he came out of the closet at 34. This guy? | ||
| No, that's this guy. | ||
| But look at her Adam's apple. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Hold up. | ||
| What's going on there? | ||
| That's a girl? | ||
| That's a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to hear her voice? | |
| Sure. | ||
| Give me a second. | ||
| So she just came out of the closet? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She came out of the closet a while ago. | |
| There's a player who plays in the NBA. His name is Jason Collins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just came out this week in Sports Illustrated. | |
| Right, right. | ||
| That was a big deal, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Was he the first gay player ever? | ||
| He was the first who was actively, who still might be playing. | ||
| But he might not even make a team because he's 34 and he's not any good. | ||
| It's like a third string center. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He might have done it because of that. | |
| He might have done it for that. | ||
| Maybe he would go... | ||
| President Clinton? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's rude. | |
| You're saying he went gay just for publicity. | ||
| That's what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, I think it was. | ||
| He might not even be gay. | ||
| Well, no, he's gay. | ||
| I can see by the way he shoots. | ||
| Do you think before they tie that, we're like, look, we're ready to put this story to bed, but we need to see you suck a cock first. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I mean, this might be a big publicity stunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you heard Gilbert talk about it? | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what he said? | |
| He said he should pay a cover charge to go to the shower. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That's very funny. | ||
| That's very funny. | ||
| Bill Burr, I don't get him. | ||
| I love people that say I don't get him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who says that? | |
| You know, just somebody who's jealous. | ||
| There's a lot of that, by the way. | ||
| Fucking Bill's as good as anything. | ||
| You know, there's a real disturbing thing in comedy where people don't want other people to be good as well. | ||
| I don't know what it is, but we all know a certain number of people who've been afflicted by that, voluntarily or involuntarily. | ||
| Some of them try to kick it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, Jimmy Brogan's one of those old, bitter guys. | ||
| You know, a nice guy, but he used to write for The Tonight Show. | ||
| You know who he is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was upstairs, and somebody was on stage, a young comic. | ||
| He goes, I don't get it. | ||
| I go, you know what? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| They get it. | ||
| Listen to the audience. | ||
| They get it. | ||
| It doesn't mean everything's quality, but... | ||
| Give them credit, you know? | ||
| Yeah, that's a weakness, man. | ||
| Either like it or don't like it, but to really focus all your negative energy on it like that. | ||
| Those people, they become a drain. | ||
| It's a horrible aspect to dealing with other people. | ||
| When you're all in the same sort of business together and there becomes a guy who just for one reason or another just can't seem to get it together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so they start spewing venom and then you're around them. | ||
| You pick that up. | ||
| Like if you happen to be working with a guy, you know, he's like a middle act. | ||
| He's just bitter and nasty. | ||
| Like you can ruin your whole weekend. | ||
| Yeah, Deb Davidoff played Invincible. | ||
| He played a character that was part of Vince Papali's group, the guy who was the football player who they based the movie on. | ||
| And it was an interesting character because he was... | ||
| He's so resentful of his friend's success that when everybody was cheering, you just see him looking in his glass and stirring, you know, like, fuck, he got something else in life. | ||
| And here I am at the bar. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The dub played it really well, but it was an interesting character because I thought about... | ||
| I've seen it with comedians. | ||
| When a comedian gets something, it's like... | ||
| When I started out, I started out with Eddie Murphy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was up for Saturday Night Live. | ||
| And I was hired for three episodes. | ||
| I don't know if I ever told you that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anyway, Eddie became a star, and people would actually say to me, does that bother you? | ||
| I go, no, do you think that if Eddie Murphy didn't do 48 hours, I would have? | ||
| I said, that's nothing to do with me. | ||
| It's him. | ||
| He did it. | ||
| He's talented. | ||
| Yeah, but what is it that stops people from ever seeing that? | ||
| What is it that makes people just go, fuck him, fucking Eddie Murphy. | ||
| If I was in that movie, it'd be even better. | ||
| Tell you what, fuck Eddie Murphy. | ||
| They're petty and bitter. | ||
| They couldn't follow me in Cleveland. | ||
| It was this weekend in Cleveland, I fucking buried him. | ||
| He was the middle. | ||
| I was the middle. | ||
| He was the headline. | ||
| I was like, seriously? | ||
| Well, we know so many of them. | ||
| Those stories are so gross. | ||
| The I Blew Them Off the Stage stories. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And crushed. | ||
| Unless they're talking about a dickhead. | ||
| And then suddenly they become cool. | ||
| If it was a guy you don't like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somebody you hate. | |
| Yeah, and you're like, oh, how bad did he eat it? | ||
| You know I don't like that guy. | ||
| Plates and plates of shit. | ||
| You know I don't like Bobby Collins, right? | ||
| Yes, I know. | ||
| There's only three guys I really don't like in comedy, and he's one of them. | ||
| And... | ||
| I did this benefit. | ||
| It's called Rags to Riches in Vegas. | ||
| It's all these rich Jews and Italian garment guys. | ||
| Fucking hilarious crowd. | ||
| They all think they're funny. | ||
| And Bobby Collins was there last year. | ||
| And I said to them, I said, no matter how bad I do, I know I'm not going to be worse than fucking Bobby Collins. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And they fucking cheered because he had a tough set. | ||
| This isn't on the air, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| This is only on the internet. | ||
| It only reaches a small amount of people. | ||
| It's a weird group. | ||
| I love that they listen to you in Ireland. | ||
| Like I told you, I'm going to be in Kilkenny in three weeks. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's one of the most beautiful things about the internet is that you can get shit from anywhere. | ||
| You can listen to a podcast like London Real. | ||
| Those guys do one from London. | ||
| You can listen to a podcast from Switzerland or Iceland or fucking whatever. | ||
| It's so fucking cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's taking so much power away from the man. | ||
| When you think about it, think about like... | ||
| The man! | ||
| The man! | ||
| Like the main motherfucking man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was my main man. | ||
| You killed him. | ||
| Yeah, it definitely does. | ||
| And every comic has a podcast now. | ||
| It's like, yeah, there's every comedian that I know has a podcast. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like having a podcast is like having a Twitter account. | ||
| Well, it's like having an act. | ||
| I mean, you know, you can have an act, but it doesn't mean it's going to be that good. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| But it's another part of your act, sort of. | ||
| Jamie and I were talking about that before you came in, and I asked him, and it was kind of awkward, but I had to ask him, do you have eye makeup on? | ||
| He's just a beautiful man. | ||
| His eyes, not for nothing, not that I was resting on him, I'm just saying that I glanced by. | ||
| His eyes look like he has makeup on. | ||
| He's just beautiful. | ||
| He is beautiful. | ||
| The idea that your podcast is a part of your act, I mean, it's like, when you're doing stand-up, you know, one thing that you're selling almost more than anything is like a point of view. | ||
| It's like one of the beautiful things about watching a guy is that you lock into the way he's thinking, and you go, oh, I see what he's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, and then you start laughing, but you lock into a point of view. | ||
| You know, you figure out a way to lock into his point of view. | ||
| Well, it's cool to do something without your act. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, people go like... | ||
| You know, I told you, not to struggle, but you were... | ||
| Because of the power of your podcast and your popularity, you were by far the biggest act we've had on as far as numbers went. | ||
| Wow, that's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, and we've got a lot of good guys. | ||
| Don Marrera live from the Laugh Factor. | ||
| That's a fun podcast. | ||
| Jamie was on today. | ||
| You're really good. | ||
| You're so... | ||
| Well, the thing about you is, hey, we'll just give each other a little massage, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| This is what we do in show business. | ||
| Hey, I embarrassed this man. | ||
| Is that we can celebrate each other? | ||
| You just, you know, you're the real deal. | ||
| So you don't bullshit things. | ||
| You don't fake things. | ||
| It's really Don Marrera there talking. | ||
| Some people, for whatever reason, can't do that. | ||
| They get weirded out if they're doing an interview or they... | ||
| They have that hard time just completely being themselves. | ||
| Well, you don't have to do a punchline every sentence. | ||
| Well, you know that, but there's a lot of guys who don't. | ||
| They get nervous. | ||
| The thing I love about you, Dom, is that you always stayed true to stand-up. | ||
| Stand-up is always the big thing for you. | ||
| You would occasionally do a TV show, or it would It'd be great if I got a series, but I'm a stand-up comic. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| And you've always loved it. | ||
| You're always writing new shit. | ||
| You're always improving. | ||
| I still love it. | ||
| You still love it. | ||
| And you still come up with new shit all the time, too. | ||
| That's so important. | ||
| It's so... | ||
| It's such a rare little group of people that we know, that really love and appreciate the art of stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, Brian Callen does. | ||
| Fuck yeah, he does. | ||
| Ari does. | ||
| Ari does, yeah. | ||
| I went on after Brian the other night at the Laugh Factor. | ||
| He had a terrific set. | ||
| I'm busting the crowd. | ||
| It's so nice to follow Brian because he sets the bar so low. | ||
| He starts hollering at me from upstairs. | ||
| They know we're fucking friends. | ||
| I wouldn't do it. | ||
| When I host a show, I say, the true sign I don't like a person is if I give them a straight nice intro. | ||
| If I'm being nice, that means I don't have time for him. | ||
| And what people don't understand, too, is we bust each other's balls, and it's really like a pleasure. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| If you say some stupid shit about me, or if I say some stupid shit about you, we enjoy it. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| We make each other laugh, and some people don't see that. | ||
| They see two comics busting each other's balls, and they think, oh, they are asserting dominance and hurting each other's feelings. | ||
| They're jealous. | ||
| No, they're having fun, and the fact that they can do it to each other, you know, it's a part of being a comic. | ||
| The busting balls thing is a part of being a comic. | ||
| Yeah, well, when you said something a couple minutes ago about the guys who seriously talk about themselves in comedy, like, you know what, first of all, I'm not bragging, but I was incredible. | ||
| I buried him. | ||
| He couldn't follow me. | ||
| They should have a music act on after me, just to calm the audience down. | ||
| There was a guy that he shall remain nameless, but he had a website. | ||
| Name names, man. | ||
| That's what we're on a podcast for. | ||
| He had a website, and in his website, it had a whole story about how he blew Dice off the stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Dice couldn't follow him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who would that be? | ||
| Oh, I don't know, but it's the fucking silliest shit I've ever read. | ||
| I was like, okay, what are you talking about? | ||
| One of the things I like about Dice is nothing phases him on stage. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He did that special. | ||
| He aired that two CD special called The Day the Laughter Died. | ||
| And he went up, essentially went up at Dangerfields in New York. | ||
| Unannounced. | ||
| No one knew he was going there. | ||
| And if you've ever been to Dangerfields, Dangerfields, when I was a kid, when I first came to New York, I fell in love with Dangerfields. | ||
| That was my spot in New York City. | ||
| It was an old time nightclub. | ||
| It was an all-time nightclub. | ||
| It was off the beaten track. | ||
| They gave you half an hour. | ||
| The crowds were very small, except weekends and sometimes prom shows were packed there. | ||
| But it was where they filmed the Ronnie Dangerfield HBO special. | ||
| Yeah, I was there. | ||
| To me, that was mecca in New York. | ||
| I went there all the time. | ||
| But we had to work with some really fucking crazy people. | ||
| It was this Scottish guy who was the bouncer, owner, whatever. | ||
| Jimmy, he was a character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Frank? | |
| No, it's not a Frank. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| He looked like he was sitting down when he was standing. | ||
| He was so squatty. | ||
| He was a brick house. | ||
| He was a bowling ball. | ||
| He was a brick house. | ||
| That guy was gigantic. | ||
| You don't get a fucking laugh for fuck's sake. | ||
| He was a power lifter, that dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would, like, grab people and throw them out there. | ||
| He was a gentleman. | ||
| Up until someone wasn't a gentleman to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, you'd reach across. | |
| And then you fucked up. | ||
| You'd notice he was a big guy, but he was deceptively strong. | ||
| He would do crazy weightlifting things. | ||
| He had cement buckets. | ||
| I didn't know about this. | ||
| He had them filled with cement, and he would do exercises with them. | ||
| He did powerlifting. | ||
| He did a lot of crazy shit. | ||
| That guy was stupid strong. | ||
| Yeah, but he was perfect for the Nightcloak. | ||
| He was hilarious, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was always, you're gonna try again with that shite act of yours? | |
| He would bust your balls, but it was warm, you know? | ||
| It's like he would do it with like half a smile on his face, and he'd be like, hey man, I'm just trying to do my thing. | ||
| And he would laugh. | ||
| He was a good dude. | ||
| But if you ever got in a tussle with that guy, oh my god, he was terrifying. | ||
| I saw him pick a guy up by his neck. | ||
| He grabbed the guy by the back of the neck and just hoisted him up in the air. | ||
| He was essentially doing it completely by his neck. | ||
| These prom shows, kids would come in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they would get so fucked up. | |
| Oh yeah. | ||
| They were so fucked up. | ||
| Do you remember Al Lubel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A kid went on stage, took the microphone away from Al Lubel and blew cigar smoke in his face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was crazy. | ||
| What did Al do? | ||
| He didn't know what to do. | ||
| He didn't want to get in a physical confrontation with him. | ||
| Al was a lawyer, remember? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So he backed away, and I don't remember how it was resolved, because this was, Jesus, this was like 1991 or something like that, 92. Anybody ever come on stage with you? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It wasn't his fault. | ||
| It was just the kid was really fucked up. | ||
| The kid was really big, too. | ||
| He was a big football player-looking kid. | ||
| He was just really bold. | ||
| They were all trying to be superstars. | ||
| They were at Dangerfields and it was clear that no one really had the run of the place. | ||
| It was almost impossible to corral the crowds. | ||
| They were really crazy. | ||
| That prom crowd is also... | ||
| It's like St. Patrick's Day. | ||
| It's one day everybody gets fucked up. | ||
| They were tough. | ||
| It was the craziest shows I ever worked in my life, without a doubt. | ||
| Because, first of all, you would work from the time it was dark out, from 7 o'clock, you would do shows until 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| You would get off stage at 2 in the morning. | ||
| People told me that, I didn't believe them, but it was good money. | ||
| The last spot at the improv used to be 345. Wow. | ||
| 345 on the weekend nights. | ||
| I remember having 330 spots. | ||
| Wow, that is incredible. | ||
| But you know, I don't know if I ever told you this. | ||
| The first time I did stand-up for money was $50 at Seton Hall, right? | ||
| I'm just fresh out of improv. | ||
| Improv group, all this shit. | ||
| And I go up on stage and a girl starts heckling me. | ||
| She was fucking out of her mind. | ||
| So I bring her up thinking, no, improv, right? | ||
| The worst thing I could have done. | ||
| Then she's laughing hysterically and then she starts crying hysterically. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Like sobbing, crying. | ||
| And I'm thinking, man, this fucking stand-up is harder than it looks, you know? | ||
| And I don't know what to do. | ||
| And then this guy, you wouldn't know this guy. | ||
| He died a long time ago. | ||
| He comes up on stage. | ||
| He was a real pro. | ||
| And he just, like, took her off. | ||
| And I found out later that her brother's girlfriend was killed in an accident. | ||
| So she was fucked up on pills and stuff. | ||
| But it was the first time I ever did stand-up. | ||
| And he covered for me. | ||
| He did my extra 20 minutes and all. | ||
| But, you know, like, this is my first fucking indoctrination that his whole new life. | ||
| I'm going, holy shit. | ||
| Is that harder than it looks? | ||
| What a shit roll of the dice. | ||
| Never brought anybody up after that. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| It's funny how hard stand-up really is, but then once you get good at it, how easy it is. | ||
| Well, it's easy because you can take your time, and you can think, like, you can literally think. | ||
| When you're doing an act... | ||
| It's rote. | ||
| Then you're thinking, oh, if I lose my place, I don't have a place. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I can't lose my place because it doesn't matter. | ||
| You don't care. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you go off in something, you know... | ||
| Well, you've got to always have things to talk about. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, you don't do the exact same act, not even close. | ||
| No. | ||
| And that makes it so much easier because then you're free. | ||
| And that's when I think it gets easy. | ||
| Yeah, that is when it gets easier. | ||
| That's why I hate doing the Tonight Show and shit like that, when they have it scripted of what you're going to say. | ||
| It takes all the fun and spontaneity away from it. | ||
| Well, it's really unfortunate that that's still the thing, those little seven-minute conversations. | ||
| Yeah, they're the hardest thing I do. | ||
| Yeah, especially because you're doing it with a stranger. | ||
| I mean, who's the closest? | ||
| Who are you friends with out of all those guys? | ||
| Craig Ferguson or Conan. | ||
| Do you do Conan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, I do Craig and Fallon. | ||
| So, like, even though you see those guys, like, you know, maybe every now and again, you don't really like buddies with them. | ||
| It's not like you can sit down with them and be yourself. | ||
| No, but I gotta say, the thing about Ferguson, he never gets to a question. | ||
| All the times I've done, I've done his show probably eight times, never gets, they ask, they have the pre-interview and the producers call, the segment producers, and they're so worried about what you're going to say. | ||
| Oh, he doesn't know much about baseball, but he knows about football, and all right, all right. | ||
| And then never gets to a fucking thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I had one of my most fun moments ever on television on his show. | ||
| Because he asked me, he plugged a date at my Denver Comedy Works, and I had already done it. | ||
| I said, well, you've got a really cracked staff here. | ||
| I said, I've gotten so hot they have to post-plug my dates because there would be a riot if they all knew I was there, right? | ||
| And he goes, and then he says to me from his desk, look, we'll start over. | ||
| I go, I ain't starting over. | ||
| And he walks over. | ||
| I go, look, I got a spot at the Laugh Factory I gotta get to. | ||
| I said, I'll do my little monkey dance for you, and I'll come over and talk to you, but I ain't starting over. | ||
| And we had like a fake fight. | ||
| But it was great because the audience knew it was real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| And then I went over to the panel and we just fucked around. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Well, he's a funny guy. | ||
| He apparently does a lot of stand-up too, right? | ||
| Does a lot of stand-up, yeah. | ||
| Does a lot of road gigs. | ||
| I know there's been places that I've been where I said he was just there, was going there. | ||
| Yeah, good for him, man. | ||
| I would like to see him even more in an uncensored format for hours. | ||
| Fascinating guy. | ||
| I've only worked with him once in Toronto. | ||
| You know when I really became a fan of his? | ||
| When he was talking about Britney Spears. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| No, what did he say? | ||
| It was, I don't want to paraphrase, but it was right around the time when she kept running into all these problems, and it was obvious that there was something wrong, but she was fucking tailspinning. | ||
| He basically was like, why does everybody care about this? | ||
| Like, you're talking about a little girl who needs help, like a young girl who needs help. | ||
| And it was kind of, I mean, I didn't say little girl, but a young lady who needs help. | ||
| And it was really kind of refreshing. | ||
| You could tell it wasn't something that was like he was posturing and he was making an attempt at saying this because he just wanted to achieve some moral high ground or something like that. | ||
| It felt like he has a voice. | ||
| He's on television. | ||
| Let's see if I can just get this message out. | ||
| And it was so right. | ||
| It was like, why is everybody freaking out about this young lady? | ||
| Who obviously does have problems. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When we're in the middle of fucking two different wars and who knows what else is going on in the world. | ||
| Who knows what the fuck else is going on. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's like Lindsay Lohan now. | ||
| It's like she makes the news and... | ||
| But it's so... | ||
| We're so weird with that, man. | ||
| It's so weird to fix it on individuals. | ||
| I think we like to build somebody up and knock them down. | ||
| It's so weird to fix it on individuals like that. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Yeah, we definitely like to build them up and knock them down. | ||
| There's no doubt about that. | ||
| But it's weird how people just get locked into that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What's Lindy Lohan up to now? | ||
| It's like once she becomes this sideshow, there's a market. | ||
| It's almost like she becomes infected with fame. | ||
| And then that fame fucking sucks onto her. | ||
| And she needs it sort of to give her money and they need her and people like her to fuel their little publicity machine. | ||
| It's really fascinating stuff. | ||
| Because they also have an incestuous relationship a lot of times. | ||
| Some of these celebrities, they actually choose to get their photos taken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, sure. | |
| They ask to set things up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And their publicists set things up to keep them in the chatter. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| We had Justin Bieber at the Laugh Factory one night. | ||
| And I knew he was up there. | ||
| And he even said a couple things to me. | ||
| I was hosting. | ||
| And he had that really cute little chick that he goes out with. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| She's a singer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think it's Selena Gomez. | ||
| Yes, right. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I'm sad, and I know that, but I do. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| You said it before I could. | ||
| Anyway, his manager came up to Jamie to ask me to mention that he was there. | ||
| I thought that was so unusual, because, you know, a lot of times, like, say, Sean Penn comes in, he just wears his baseball cap down, nothing, not a word. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And this kid won the detention. | ||
| I'm thinking, how much fucking attention do you need? | ||
| You're like one of the most famous 16-year-olds ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, that's... | ||
| He wanted to be brought up. | ||
| I mean, like, get a hand for him and all this shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, he's probably, you know, it's his thing. | ||
| Gets a kick out of doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He could just show up places and be able to cheer him. | ||
| I bet he could, like, do that. | ||
| Just show up at a restaurant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yeah. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber's here. | ||
| That's a fascinating thing, man. | ||
| Well, it's fascinating to me that people comp movie stars and couldn't give a fuck about the guy who's laying in the alley. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, it's like... | ||
| Well, he seems like he's handling it way better than most people would. | ||
| Well, it's pretty unusual, yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's like, you know, he says some silly things every now and again, but he's like 17 years old or 18 years old, whatever he is. | ||
| You should see the girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a young kid. | |
| That girl's fucking hot. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| I think she's too young. | ||
| I'm allowed to say she's hot. | ||
| She's 18? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| If she's 17, you can't say she's hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you've got to lie to yourself. | |
| What a girl, 17. She was just 17, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| That was okay to sing back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but don't forget, he was only 20. How about Gene Simmons? | |
| Christine, 16? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Christine! | |
| Oh, with Kiss? | ||
| 16, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was a Gene Simmons joint. | ||
| She was just 17, you know what I mean? | ||
| But the way she looked was like beyond compare, wow. | ||
| But this was, Gene Simmons was singing how he has to have her. | ||
| I've got to have you! | ||
| I've got to have Christine! | ||
| That's a great fucking song. | ||
| And if you say it's not a great song, I say, fuck you, bitch. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's a mature reaction. | ||
| That's how I handle it. | ||
| Fuck you, bitch. | ||
| You can't shit on my childhood. | ||
| Yeah, there were a couple Sweet Sixteen songs. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of creepy dudes back then that got away with it. | ||
| That's not creepy if you're 18. People died younger back then. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| We're not talking about the Roman Empire, Joe. | ||
| That's what it was, Dom Herrero. | ||
| Dom Herrero, people died earlier back then. | ||
| It's a known fact. | ||
| That's what people could have said before Wikipedia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a known fact. | |
| Yeah, before Google, that's a big point right there. | ||
| A known fact. | ||
| And that guy could just bullshit you right around. | ||
| And there's nothing you could say. | ||
| If he was good at bullshit, you'd be like, all right. | ||
| No, you just don't want to fucking admit that Encyclopedia Britannica, I've read all the volumes, Like, you don't know if you've read it. | ||
| Ah, fuck. | ||
| We're a quagmire here. | ||
| You can't get out of this bullshit conversation. | ||
| Asshole. | ||
| Asshole's just bullshitting. | ||
| I know he's bullshitting. | ||
| And then you find out years later that he was bullshitting. | ||
| It's a known fact. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Those motherfuckers. | ||
| Those it's a known fact guys. | ||
| They talk some crazy shit. | ||
| You can look it up. | ||
| I can't look it up yet. | ||
| Imagine what, if you were like a long time bullshitter, like if you're a crazy con man type dude and you're just an excellent bullshitter for many, many years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I wonder how pissed those people were when Google came along. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| It's like, oh, I was watching Catch Me If You Can the other day where Leonardo DiCaprio becomes a pilot when he's 17 and starts making checks and getting money. | ||
| You can't do that shit today, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Walked into a bank and they believed him because he was a pilot. | |
| Did he perform an operation, too? | ||
| Is that the one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, the idea that you could have a fake company and get people to invest in your fake company and then you go, oh, where's the money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| Those days are, you have to be really dumb. | ||
| I'm sure there's people that are really dumb or get, you know, they're super gullible, older folks, people with mental illnesses that get sucked into weird deals. | ||
| Yeah, and people that are trying to get a quick buck, like the Madoff thing. | ||
| Madoff thing, I was personally affected by that because of people I love. | ||
| But a lot of people were just looking for- People that you love lost money? | ||
| Oh, millions. | ||
| Millions. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, you love a lot of people that are fucking powerfully rich. | ||
| I know some people. | ||
| I've been around. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| I've been around a block a couple times. | ||
| Yeah, that Bernie Madoff thing was- To me, you know what that showed? | ||
| That showed that this is a crazy system. | ||
| Because if you guys didn't know he was cheating, how is it possible- How is it possible that no one knew? | ||
| Because it was like a pyramid scheme, and there were people still collecting money, so they were teased by it constantly. | ||
| Well, they weren't just teased. | ||
| They benefited and profited from it immensely. | ||
| Some of them made, like, big profits. | ||
| But there's other ones that lost so much fucking money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah? | |
| That guy just went baller on everybody. | ||
| Just had everybody's money all tucked away and just squirreled it off. | ||
| Crazy fucking sociopathic asshole. | ||
| And it's just... | ||
| What are you trying to say? | ||
| He ain't a bad guy. | ||
| He's just a victim of circumstance. | ||
| Probably a psychopath. | ||
| But the idea that it's possible for a guy to do that, that was so disheartening for me. | ||
| Because I thought that it was more complicated and I thought it was more secure than that. | ||
| Some of it had to do with the greed of the people, too. | ||
| Of wanting to be quickly rich. | ||
| And these are people that, like I said, I know a lot of people and I care about them, but They readily admit they were looking for a quick buck. | ||
| Right, of course. | ||
| Yeah, well that's what he was promising, right? | ||
| He was promising big returns to a lot of people, right? | ||
| It's just a shocking thing, like how much money he was handling. | ||
| You know, it's really shocking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then the wife's trying to squirrel some away and disappear into the night while the husband's locked up in jail for the rest of his life. | ||
| Did one of his sons commit suicide? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, it was tough. | ||
| He should have just changed his name. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Should have just what? | ||
| Changed his name. | ||
| The son? | ||
| Madoff. | ||
| No, I don't think it was even that. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| The son just realized, like, his... | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| You know, I think... | ||
| Especially when you're a young man and you probably grow up thinking that your family is doing really well because your father is a hard-working, smart man and then he brings you into the business. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line they probably had it figured out. | ||
| Somewhere along the line. | ||
| If they didn't know from the jump, And then the guy couldn't take it, I guess. | ||
| Or who knows? | ||
| It's a pressure of prosecution. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, you're talking about like billions, billions and billions of dollars, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What was the number? | ||
| What was the total number? | ||
| I don't know, but it was definitely in the billions that I've heard. | ||
| I think it was like 50 billion. | ||
| It's a known fact. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's a known fact. | ||
| It's a known fact. | ||
| This fucking guy lost more money. | ||
| I'm smelling Bitski. | ||
| Did I ever tell you what Eddie Griffin was saying after 9-11? | ||
| What? | ||
| A lot of people don't even know that they store gold under the World Trade Center. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And the subways kept running 24 hours a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Well, you know, he would get high and just say crazy shit. | ||
| He actually thinks he's like a genius. | ||
| And I heard him one night at the store. | ||
| Who's going to argue with this bit? | ||
| He goes, we've got to stop giving our kids in Compton... | ||
| Guns and knives and educate. | ||
| Like, first of all, who gives the kids a gun? | ||
| Hey, come here. | ||
| Johnny, I want you to have a gun and a knife. | ||
| Here. | ||
| Go to school. | ||
| And he said, we've got to start educating them. | ||
| Give them pencils and papers and books. | ||
| Like, who the fuck is not going to agree to educate kids? | ||
| I don't think they need education. | ||
| They need guns and knives. | ||
| Eddie Griffin definitely had some crazy times. | ||
| But I've seen Eddie Griffin fucking destroy. | ||
| I saw him in his prime. | ||
| When he did his first comedy special. | ||
| It was a short set, I believe. | ||
| Like, I want to say it was a half an hour, but it might have been even less. | ||
| He had a lot of confidence. | ||
| God damn, he crushed Dom O'Reilly. | ||
| He fucking crushed. | ||
| He crushed and it was a scary talent. | ||
| It was a scary level of talent and energy that he put out. | ||
| And I remember watching him going, wow, that guy is fucking good. | ||
| I remember thinking that, like, wow. | ||
| Wow, that guy's got a lot of power in his act. | ||
| His act was scary. | ||
| It was like, boom, bang, bang! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| It was so good. | ||
| It was so dynamic, the way he moved, the way he paused and expressed himself. | ||
| And he had moments like that that make me think, if that guy just really dedicated himself to nothing but stand-up and really went legit and went down the path, he had moments. | ||
| If he could recapture those moments... | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| I think he had some mental issues, to say the least. | ||
| He could be a little bit dumb. | ||
| A little bit fucking dizzy. | ||
| It's a known fact that a lot of people of his ilk, the stand-up comedian fellas, a lot of you motherfuckers go crazy. | ||
| It's a known fact. | ||
| Don Marrera, it's a known fact. | ||
| Your mental illness and your being funny, it's not a coincidence, Don Marrera. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's a known fact. | ||
| You know, Joe, you think I'm paranoid. | ||
| You don't think I see these people laying for me in the bushes outside waiting to fucking stop me? | ||
| Eddie Griffin was fucking funny at one time. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't seen Eddie in a long time. | ||
| I shouldn't say he isn't anymore. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| He might be out there killing it. | ||
| I don't hear about him much. | ||
| He's a warm guy, too. | ||
| He's got a good heart. | ||
| He is a very friendly guy. | ||
| Part of his deal when he goes to a comedy club is he has to have brand new sneakers. | ||
| Did you ever hear this? | ||
| I've heard things like this. | ||
| I didn't know it was him. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know whether they're Adidas or I think. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's a big company and he has to have a brand new pair of white Michael Jordans or something. | ||
| I think it's Nike. | ||
| But, uh, fucking hilarious. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| The man, the guy goes, I couldn't fucking find them. | ||
| Well, if you like to wear, if you have a thing where you need to wear brand new sneakers right as you walk on stage and that gives you, like, superpower, that might sound ridiculous, but if you were a young guy and you grew up When you got a new pair of sneakers, that was a really exciting thing. | ||
| So it could be that by not wearing the sneakers until he goes on stage, he makes him feel like with new sneakers on, it gives him a little extra power. | ||
| And it sounds ridiculous, but... | ||
| I remember when I was a kid, getting a new pair of sneakers was a big deal. | ||
| So maybe for him, he kept that tradition. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| And it's easier for him if they buy it. | ||
| Why don't you buy it? | ||
| Because I want to change them right before I go on stage. | ||
| I asked you before I came on a show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not to be insightful and intelligent. | |
| Not to have any compassion for people. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| That's a good thought. | ||
| I try to have as much compassion for people as possible. | ||
| I never thought of that. | ||
| Even people that interrupt our pool game, Dom Herrera. | ||
| Even people that interrupt. | ||
| I can't believe a fucking racket. | ||
| When we get fucking serious here, Dom Herrera and I, when we play, we occasionally will joke around, but Dom plays a very good pool, and I play a pretty good pool, and we have some fun battles. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| Joe, first of all, he played more than pretty good. | ||
| Not to get the Sammy Marlin show. | ||
| It's a known fact. | ||
| Joe is like right below a pro. | ||
| I'm a consistent B player. | ||
| No, you're a consistent like... | ||
| For a regular person, I'm an A player. | ||
| But for a regular pool player, I'm a B player. | ||
| I just don't have enough time. | ||
| No, you're more than an A player for a regular person. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Joe, I never fucking played anybody that ran out nine ball like you. | ||
| It's done all the time. | ||
| Yeah, but not regular people. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I played a lot of pool in my life. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| When I'm not playing against you because I get a chance to shoot more, I play better. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| But you sit the guy down. | ||
| Tighten up, yeah. | ||
| And then you want to get back on the table. | ||
| I can run some packages, but I can't run packages like my friends can. | ||
| So I have the luxury of knowing Max Eberle, who's one of the best pool players in the world. | ||
| You know Max very well. | ||
| Me and Max, we spar every time I go to Vegas. | ||
| Pool spar. | ||
| He just fucking keeps me in the chair. | ||
| The guy just runs out from everywhere. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| Max Eberle is like world class. | ||
| He won the straight pool championships at the Derby City Classic this year. | ||
| What did he run? | ||
| It's one of the prestigious pool tournaments in the world. | ||
| I don't know what he ran. | ||
| I mean, he regularly runs 100 balls. | ||
| Yeah, that's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, he's a world class pro. | ||
| He's a world class pro. | ||
| And a sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| He's a sweetheart, Max Eberle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| What a nice guy. | ||
| I miss that place. | ||
| A fun guy to be around. | ||
| I miss it too. | ||
| Hollywood Billiards. | ||
| Hollywood Billiards. | ||
| What was the one before that that we used to go to by the gym? | ||
| Right off of Hollywood Boulevard across from the Cat and Fiddle. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Isn't that Hollywood Billiards? | ||
| Well, then we went to another place on Hollywood Boulevard. | ||
| What was that called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| We went to two places for years. | ||
| Two places. | ||
| The second one. | ||
| Oh, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| The Boston Athletic Club. | ||
| The Athletic Club. | ||
| Yeah, that's the first place we went to. | ||
| Yeah, that place was great. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| That was a former athletic club that they converted into this giant pool hall. | ||
| Yeah, because they had the track upstairs. | ||
| I used to play in a Saturday tournament there. | ||
| When I first moved to LA, they had a Saturday morning tournament. | ||
| It started at like 11 a.m. | ||
| I made good friends there. | ||
| That Saturday morning pool tournament. | ||
| That was when I first moved here. | ||
| That was a great place. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| They had the track along the top of it. | ||
| Yeah, I remember we doubled one night. | ||
| We took the girls to... | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Sophie and... | ||
| Was her name Jerry? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I only remember her because she was hot. | ||
| Isn't that sad? | ||
| Well, that's not sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I mean, that's all I remember. | |
| Yeah, pool is a great thing on a date, except if a chick beats you. | ||
| If a chick beats you, it's very depressing. | ||
| If a chick beats you at pool... | ||
| But there's a thing about a girl beating you at pool that's demoralizing for some dudes. | ||
| It's funny to watch. | ||
| I had a friend who said, will you shoot my girlfriend? | ||
| Because she was practicing a lot. | ||
| And she said to me, I'm going to kick your ass. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So... | ||
| First of all, how rude. | ||
| She broke and I ran the table. | ||
| It was fucking easy. | ||
| It was those pockets like this. | ||
| Oh yeah, right. | ||
| It's not like what we play when the ball just about fits in it. | ||
| And I ran the table and I go, eh, so much for kicking my ass. | ||
| She goes, you want to play again? | ||
| I go, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| I don't want to fucking play. | ||
| Shut her down. | ||
| You're saying it's over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't like that kind of attitude from women. | ||
| I don't like that kind of attitude from anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
From anybody. | |
| I don't like braggers and I'm going to kick your ass. | ||
| But that said, a woman that can kick your ass and pull, she doesn't have to be rude about it. | ||
| Just a woman who can kick your ass and pull. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just let her play. | |
| It's humiliating for men. | ||
| A nice woman who's very polite, who kicks your ass, like that Alison Fisher woman, you know who she is? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| She'd kick my ass, for sure. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| She'd kick my ass. | ||
| Trust me, she's way better than me. | ||
| Who's the big blonde? | ||
| She was like a snooker champion, and she came over from Europe and just dominated women's pool. | ||
| In fact, here's the real problem with pool's popularity. | ||
| This woman, Alison Fisher, is probably the most dominant sports person ever in any sport, in any game, in women's billiards. | ||
| I love watching her shoot. | ||
| And it's not like there's only a few women playing women's billiards. | ||
| There's a lot of really good players. | ||
| Everybody knows Jeanette Lee because she's a beautiful Asian woman. | ||
| But there's like a whole gang of like top pros that would tour around the country and this woman consistently beat all of them on a regular basis. | ||
| She was like player of the year, like who knows how many fucking years in a row. | ||
| She won the U.S. Open, who knows how many years in a row, like, or what not, I don't know if it was the U.S. Open, WPBA, whatever their version of like their national championship, she would win every I don't even understand. | ||
| Why are men better than women? | ||
| It doesn't make much sense. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's just a coordination thing. | ||
| It is and it isn't. | ||
| It can be overcome. | ||
| Women like Alison Fisher, she could beat a man playing pool. | ||
| But she wouldn't beat the top pros. | ||
| Most likely not, and there's a few issues with spatial intelligence. | ||
| There's something to, and this is really theoretical stuff, I think, something to the way the male mind interprets 3D space, that it is beneficial for certain things, and pool might be one of them, because after the break, pool doesn't really rely on strength. | ||
| No. | ||
| And the average woman could easily stroke a ball about as hard as you need to. | ||
| You really don't ever need to hit it really hard outside of the break. | ||
| The break shot, especially in rotation games or eight ball, it becomes a big issue because if a guy can really smash the rack, he can make, like sometimes you break and you make like four balls on the break. | ||
| There's like that guy Shane Van Boning. | ||
| Who's a fascinating character because he's the best pool player in America and one of the best players in the world. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and he's deaf. | ||
| And when he plays, he shuts his hearing aid off. | ||
| And he's not good because of that, but it is an added element. | ||
| It's good because he's good. | ||
| He practices relentlessly. | ||
| The guy's like super dedicated. | ||
| He's good because of that. | ||
| But he's also got this added element where he can shut that... | ||
| He has the beast. | ||
| And he doesn't hear anything. | ||
| He doesn't hear anything. | ||
| So when he's in pro tournaments, he goes into this weird zone. | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| It's really fascinating because it's a form of sensory deprivation. | ||
| And people have actually decided that it helps him so much that people started wearing earmuffs and shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is this guy Earl Strickland. | ||
| I know Earl Strickland. | ||
| He's an amazing, amazing player. | ||
| He puts these things that the air traffic controllers wear, these giant head things over his head. | ||
| And he plays pool with those on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking gigantic! | |
| Just to even it off with the other guy? | ||
| Yeah, so he puts earplugs. | ||
| One of his senses. | ||
| Yeah, but he tries to recreate it. | ||
| He puts earplugs in, too. | ||
| So he puts earplugs in, and then he puts these gigantic fucking earmuffs over the earplugs. | ||
| And then he plays like a man possessed. | ||
| Both of those guys, they play scary. | ||
| At that level, pool is madness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It really is. | |
| Did you ever hear Willie Moscone? | ||
| Oh, of course I've heard of him, I'm sure. | ||
| Okay, because he was the guy that was the big deal in Philly when I was a kid. | ||
| High run as straight pool, all-time high run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I think it's like 580 balls. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, but it's very controversial because he ran it on a 4x8. | ||
| It wasn't a 4.5x9. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| That's how much of a dork I am. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Luther Lasseter was the guy who, I don't know if you ever heard that name. | ||
| Yes, of course. | ||
| Yeah, he was a big straight ball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| If there was money in pool when I was a kid, I would have become a professional pool player. | ||
| Because I was enjoying it. | ||
| There's Ero Stricken with the earmuffs on. | ||
| Because I was enjoying playing pool as much as I was enjoying doing comedy. | ||
| But I wasn't good enough to go professional. | ||
| We talked about this. | ||
| You would never have the time because you have too much of a career. | ||
| Believe me, if you were on a lull as a comedian, you could turn pro. | ||
| If you could play four hours a day... | ||
| It's so much time and so much effort, and the guys that are playing that are at the highest level of the game, they're several notches better than me. | ||
| It wouldn't be an easy thing to even do battle with those guys. | ||
| It would take a long time. | ||
| It seems like it would. | ||
| You'd win some nine-ball games, though. | ||
| Thank you very much, Tom. | ||
| No, you would win. | ||
| I mean, straight pool. | ||
| A guy can sit you. | ||
| There's nothing you can do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just too bad that that game doesn't get... | ||
| To me, it's like a form of meditation. | ||
| It's like if I can get into the zone and I can block everything else out and I can move the ball exactly where I want it to go and I know where it's going, I know how to hit it, I know what speed to hit it and it gets to the right spot. | ||
| There's a beautiful feeling to that. | ||
| It's like you're enforcing this weird zen state. | ||
| Enforcing this state where you know exactly how many rotations a ball is going to go. | ||
| For people who don't play pool, they're like, should we shut the fuck up about pool already, Joe Rogan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ! | |
| I didn't fucking tune in for a fucking pool podcast! | ||
| And you queers don't even talk about MMA, okay? | ||
| Jon Jones broke his foot. | ||
| You didn't say a word about it on your podcast. | ||
| Well, I had to show you my shaky hand when you... | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I got this thing... | ||
| Is that a nerve issue? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What did you hurt? | ||
| You hurt your shoulder? | ||
| It wasn't as bad. | ||
| No, I never hurt anything. | ||
| Something in the nerve, the chiropractor told me. | ||
| He said, you know, if it doesn't bother you... | ||
| He said, it bothers my friends more than me. | ||
| Do you stretch out at all and do anything like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I dance in my house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I do interpret modern jazz. | ||
| Do you do any athletics at all? | ||
| I boogie. | ||
| A little stair climber, elliptical machine? | ||
| I don't like where you're going. | ||
| I've got to tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just saying, stretching is very good for the pliability of the limbs. | |
| Do you want a piece of this? | ||
| It might help your nerves. | ||
| Do you want a piece of this right now? | ||
| Nay, I do not. | ||
| Come on over here. | ||
| I do the treadmill. | ||
| Ah, I do. | ||
| It's a shame when you can't tell if somebody ever worked out. | ||
| That's pathetic. | ||
| Do you do anything physically? | ||
| That's not what I meant. | ||
| I mean, I was trying to find out what it was and whether or not you incorporated stretches, especially stretches to your shoulders and your spine. | ||
| I especially stretch on the road after flights and all that and, you know. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Yeah, I do the yoga things, whatever I learn from the videos. | ||
| That's my favorite thing to do before I go on stage. | ||
| My favorite thing to do, I do yoga. | ||
| That's my favorite thing to do. | ||
| I've tried a bunch of different things that feel good before I go on stage. | ||
| Hard cardio is one of them. | ||
| Hard cardio makes me high. | ||
| When I really do really hard cardio... | ||
| You do that before you go on stage? | ||
| Yeah, about two hours. | ||
| I like to do it two hours before. | ||
| Especially before it's a big show. | ||
| If I'm going to be thinking about it, I don't want to trip out. | ||
| It does give you energy. | ||
| It just releases some weird endorphin with me. | ||
| If I do a real hard cardio session, I just feel silly. | ||
| It makes me sillier. | ||
| It relieves me. | ||
| It relieves me of, like, physical tension. | ||
| It just makes me sillier. | ||
| And I think whenever I can go on stage and be in more of a silly mood, the sillier I can feel, the more funny I think things are, which is the more funny I... When you get a kick out of it, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the more funny I deliver it. | ||
| Yeah, when you get a kick out of it. | ||
| And when you're... | ||
| You know, you're saying it in a way that's... | ||
| That connects with people. | ||
| Sometimes if you're too upset about something and they don't understand why, it connects with people. | ||
| It has to be an honest balance for why you're pissed off or why you're happy. | ||
| There's got to be an honest balance. | ||
| You know that weird feeling when you watch someone on stage and they're acting pissed off about something, but you know they're not really pissed off about it and how gross that is? | ||
| Airplane food! | ||
| It's not even that. | ||
| They just fake it. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| What I hate is a fake laugh. | ||
| Always at the same time. | ||
| I can name you five people that do it. | ||
| I don't even want to get into that. | ||
| You know when someone's mad for real. | ||
| And you know why they're mad for real. | ||
| You feel it. | ||
| You know when someone's mad for real. | ||
| You know? | ||
| When they really are upset. | ||
| You know it. | ||
| And you know when someone's faking it. | ||
| And when they're faking it, it's really weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's so awkward. | ||
| It's too much of an act. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I know a lot of us, especially when you're doing it on stage, it's like you just, you know, either you don't realize that yet, or, you know, maybe you're just out of sorts that night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You have a bad set. | ||
| You're not in the right groove. | ||
| We've all had those over the years. | ||
| I love watching Joey Diaz because of that. | ||
| Joey is so fucking real. | ||
| He's not a phony bone in his body. | ||
| He's just so pure in that sense. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's not trying to win anybody over. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's just trying to be funny to the people who love Joey Diaz. | ||
| I think he just realized somewhere along the line that he's really good. | ||
| He realized that. | ||
| He really is, yeah. | ||
| But he realized that himself, and he didn't give a fuck anymore. | ||
| And when he didn't give a fuck anymore, that's when people really wanted to hear more. | ||
| And so all the people around him, like if he had anyone around him that didn't believe in him at this point, they all really have fallen by the wayside. | ||
| It's taken a long road for Joey to get recognized as how funny he really is. | ||
| And along the way, a lot of people had a chance to work with that guy and they didn't believe in him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was telling people about Joey Diaz in, like, 1998. I was like, you're fucking crazy. | ||
| I'm like, this guy makes me laugh hard all the time. | ||
| He makes me laugh hard. | ||
| I go, he doesn't give a fuck, and he makes me laugh hard. | ||
| And they're like, he's too this, and he's too that, and this doesn't work, and that doesn't work, and if you can't be in a sitcom, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| My agent called me up, and he said, do you like Joey Diaz? | ||
| I go, I love him. | ||
| He goes, you want to work with him? | ||
| I go, anything. | ||
| We're doing the Ice House at the end of July. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it'll be fun. | ||
| That's a beautiful show. | ||
| I might come and watch. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| What day is that? | ||
| I think it's 27, 28, if I remember in my weird mind that I can remember shit. | ||
| I don't remember why I walked into a room. | ||
| I'm like a savant. | ||
| What days are those? | ||
| Friday, Saturday. | ||
| Okay, it's not the 27th or the 28th. | ||
| See, I was wrong. | ||
| My savantness didn't kick in. | ||
| It could be the 24th and the 25th. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| It could be that. | ||
| What's the last weekend of July? | ||
| The last weekend is that, and then there's the 31st and the 1st. | ||
| No, that would be it. | ||
| The 31st and the 1st. | ||
| The one before that. | ||
| The one before it. | ||
| Damn, I'm not even going to be around. | ||
| I'm going to be in Vegas. | ||
| I want to see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you got coming up, Joe? | |
| I'm doing Atlanta this week, the improv, and then hilarities in Cleveland. | ||
| You ever do hilarities? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| I'm looking forward to the improv. | ||
| I don't think I did. | ||
| Maybe I did. | ||
| What other clubs are in Cleveland? | ||
| Is there an improv in Cleveland? | ||
| Yeah, there's an improv in Cleveland. | ||
| I think I did that. | ||
| Hilarity's is one of the nicest clubs I've ever seen. | ||
| Looks like a giant cruise ship. | ||
| It's got everything. | ||
| It's got a fucking martini bar, dancing girls, a sports bar, theater. | ||
| I did one of the clubs in Cleveland. | ||
| I think it was the Improv. | ||
| I did it with Heffron and Charlie Murphy. | ||
| It's right next to a strip club? | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| There were like markings of my life. | ||
| We didn't have much time when we did this tour. | ||
| I did this Maxim comedy tour way back in the day with Hefron and Charlie Murphy. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| John was feisty. | ||
| He liked to fight. | ||
| Did he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hefron? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| He never seemed like that with me. | ||
| We were always very friendly with each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Not with me. | ||
| Oh, with other people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| I got along with him great. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But, I mean, we were out a couple times. | ||
| I think he stopped drinking, but he wanted to fucking fight. | ||
| I said, John, what are you, crazy? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was probably the booze. | ||
| The demon in a bottle, that. | ||
| Old demon alcohol. | ||
| Demon in a bottle. | ||
| Yeah, but we did that place, and we did a different place almost every night. | ||
| It was really crazy. | ||
| We were out for 20, I think it was 22 gigs. | ||
| After that exposure he got on that? | ||
| Yes, after he won, Heffron won Last Comic Standing, and Charlie Murphy had just done the Chappelle Show. | ||
| Nice guy, Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Fucking sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| As real as they come. | ||
| And a great storyteller, man. | ||
| Charlie Murphy will kill you in the green room. | ||
| He'll tell you some stories in the green room and just kill you. | ||
| He's a natural storyteller. | ||
| See, that's a fun thing. | ||
| You get to bring people with you and stuff. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Well, that wasn't my idea. | ||
| It was something that Maxim and Bud Light put together. | ||
| We all just did it together and became friends once we did it. | ||
| I didn't know either one of those guys before we did the tour, so I was so lucky that they're both cool as fuck. | ||
| Because Half Ron is cool as fuck, and so is Charlie Murphy. | ||
| And that's how we met Tom Segura too. | ||
| We were at the Celebrity Theater in Phoenix, and Segura was the opening act. | ||
| Maxim would hire a local act, a local pro, and they would do 10 minutes or so before the show would start with Hefron, and then it would either be me or Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Most of the guys were good. | ||
| They were all good, but one guy was a dick. | ||
| One crazy guy in Boston was a douchebag. | ||
| He was crazy and drunk. | ||
| I don't know his name, man. | ||
| Hey, do you remember Ted Bergeron? | ||
| Angry and drunk. | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| When you said crazy in Boston. | ||
| They all were pretty good, but Segura just really stood out. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He went out there. | ||
| I mean, the Celebrity Theater was a weird place, too, because it was in the round. | ||
| Those shows are odd if you've never done that before. | ||
| Yeah, I've done it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He went out there and just slayed it. | |
| He did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lenny Klock! | |
| Lenny Klock and I. Now, he was a tough fucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lenny Klock! | |
| He's fucking huge. | ||
| He's a big fella. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| Well, I mean, he's a big man. | ||
| But not anymore. | ||
| No, well, now he's thin. | ||
| I mean, he's in shape. | ||
| He wasn't always fat, but he was big. | ||
| No, he was big. | ||
| Plus, you know he would fight. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he might have a little bit of a yayo in his system, too, before he slugged you. | ||
| Those guys were animals. | ||
| Those guys, Gavin and Sweeney and Knox. | ||
| Animals. | ||
| Knox was a little bit later. | ||
| Kenny Rogerson. | ||
| Those guys were savages. | ||
| They don't get nearly the credit they deserve. | ||
| There should have been a time capsule that really captured that moment in comedy. | ||
| Didn't somebody do a movie about them? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Franz Halamita did. | ||
| It was pretty good. | ||
| It was when stand-ups stood out. | ||
| Very good, actually. | ||
| I mean, for me, I don't want to, because it was so close to home, I guess it was much more impactful. | ||
| I don't want to oversell it, but I thought it was really fascinating. | ||
| If you're a fan of comedy, I think it's brilliant. | ||
| I'll just never forget how they didn't bury me in Boston. | ||
| They tried. | ||
| No, no, they didn't. | ||
| They really, like, you could tell we had an instant relationship, and Don Gavin gave me a great intro, and Nobody tried to... | ||
| Well, they didn't want to, if that's what you mean. | ||
| Like, they didn't think you were a dick. | ||
| They all loved you. | ||
| Yeah, they were good to me. | ||
| They would think some guys were dicks, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they would greenlight them. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because that was like a freight train of comedy. | ||
| You couldn't fuck with that. | ||
| They greenlit Billy Crystal. | ||
| They did that to Richard Lewis, too. | ||
| Richard Lewis hid behind the stage until the audience left. | ||
| There was these guys, man, and he was one of them, that for whatever reason, they generated, well, a little bit of Billy Crystal, but more Richard Lewis. | ||
| These guys generated a lot of hate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At certain comedians. | ||
| Certain comedians were like, this guy just ain't fucking funny. | ||
| He's not fucking funny. | ||
| I heard club owners say that. | ||
| I was like, why? | ||
| Obviously, some people like him. | ||
| He obviously has an audience, right? | ||
| But it's from his movies more than his stand-up. | ||
| I don't know about that with Richard Lewis. | ||
| Oh, Richard Lewis. | ||
| No, no, I thought you were talking about Billy Crystal. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Yeah, Richard Lewis definitely is stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, but for whatever reason, there's certain people that would love to hate that guy or disrespect his comedy. | ||
| It's like, everybody's got different tastes. | ||
| And that's so hard for, like, some people who are fans of stand-up comedy to realize. | ||
| That's why there's no best stand-up. | ||
| Well, not only is there no best stand-up, you're crazy to look for it. | ||
| Like, don't even look for it. | ||
| Just enjoy what you enjoy. | ||
| Because it's subjective, it's not objective. | ||
| Like, there's a best 100-yard dash guy, because the fastest guy wins. | ||
| You can't argue. | ||
| I think the third guy was faster. | ||
| And there's some guys that all they... | ||
| I mean, they want to see Gaffigan say anything Gaffigan says. | ||
| There's some guys and gals that Gaffigan just fucking, for whatever it is, he hits their frequency. | ||
| And for other folks, it's a tell. | ||
| And whatever it is, it is. | ||
| And you can't get upset that some guy's like a tell. | ||
| Like, I don't even see it. | ||
| I don't even see it. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| Don't concentrate on that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Just relax. | ||
| Don't get angry. | ||
| People love telling me that Dane Cook's not funny. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's like, okay, relax. | ||
| You don't have to think he's funny. | ||
| Apparently he made millions of dollars because somebody thought he was funny. | ||
| People get too much pleasure out of other people sucking. | ||
| That is a problem. | ||
| That's a weird thing with people. | ||
| They get this weird pleasure out of other people sucking. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| It's interesting though. | ||
| It's a weird little side effect. | ||
| A little hater side effect. | ||
| It's jealousy. | ||
| It's a combination of a lot of things. | ||
| But it's so bad for the person who thinks it. | ||
| That's what they don't understand. | ||
| It's just a massive distraction. | ||
| It just takes away so much energy from your own life. | ||
| Because instead of concentrating on this other person, you should be concentrating on your own shit. | ||
| And if something bothers you, you should find a way, if at all possible, because of course it's some egregious offense or crime or some sort of sin against man and nature, find some way to turn it into a motivating factor for you. | ||
| If you feel weak because you see some guy like I don't know, name your fucking mogul, Bill Gates on TV, and then he's got a billion dollars in his underwear. | ||
| And you feel like, God, I can't even fucking pay my student loans. | ||
| Figure out what the fuck you need to do so that you become so successful that you don't worry about Bill Gates anymore. | ||
| You don't have to be as successful as Bill Gates, but become enough of a person who figures your way through the net of civilization to the point where you don't have to worry. | ||
| Everybody has their own gradient. | ||
| For some people, it might be just making a living is good enough. | ||
| For some people, it has nothing to do with how much money they make. | ||
| It has to do with getting their fucking mind right. | ||
| Either going to a shrink or doing some yoga or going on a mushroom trip. | ||
| Figure out whatever the fuck you need to do to get your mind right. | ||
| It doesn't matter how much money you make. | ||
| It doesn't matter anything that else is going on in your life. | ||
| If you don't have your mind right, If you're not thinking about life clearly, you're going to make some shitty, stupid decisions. | ||
| You're going to be annoying to almost everybody around you. | ||
| You're going to fuck things up left and right. | ||
| Get it together, bitch. | ||
| Hey, are you talking to me? | ||
| No, not you. | ||
| Don Mariah, you know I would never. | ||
| So you're going to find Sasquatch? | ||
| I'm going to find Sasquatch. | ||
| Can we talk about that? | ||
| Yes, we are. | ||
| We can. | ||
| Can't talk too much because it is top secret, Don Mariah. | ||
| But for my new sci-fi show, very soon, in the near future, I'm going to go searching for Sasquatch, a very peculiar and particular location that has been known for a high volume of Sasquatch sightings. | ||
| Is there a particular forest that he frequents? | ||
| Perhaps. | ||
| Is there more than one? | ||
| I can't say. | ||
| Is there more than one? | ||
| I've said too much already. | ||
| But we will be camping. | ||
| And we will be getting our freak out in the woods. | ||
| I don't think I'd want to go camping, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, maybe not. | ||
| I'll tell you when I get back whether or not it was worth it. | ||
| Didn't you go somewhere with Callen? | ||
| Yeah, we went hunting in Montana. | ||
| Notice I said hunting with no G. That's because I'm a hunter. | ||
| I say it so often, it just flows off the top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You live by a coat on my railroad. | |
| I make my own arrows. | ||
| Did you ever see that Bo Jackson thing? | ||
| What Bo Jackson thing? | ||
| That he makes his own arrows. | ||
| Oh, does he really? | ||
| Yeah, he's fucking crazy. | ||
| Oh, he's like a madman hunter and fisherman, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's a real outdoorsman. | ||
| He's a calibrator and he's sitting there. | ||
| That's his favorite thing in the world. | ||
| Well, it's very fun, you know? | ||
| The people don't want to hear that because they don't want you going out there killing animals. | ||
| They think, oh, wow, you can't say it's fun. | ||
| You say that, you call that fun, man? | ||
| Well, it's rewarding and beautiful and it connects you to nature and it's very humbling and it's also, you know, it's a really intense thing, like making your own, getting your own food. | ||
| You know, going out and hunting your own food is very intense. | ||
| I don't think everybody should have to do it. | ||
| But for me, it was pretty intense. | ||
| I like five-star restaurants. | ||
| I like being upgraded. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| All these things are good as well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm too lazy. | ||
| I don't want to pick up a tent. | ||
| I feel you. | ||
| I feel you, bro. | ||
| I'm not into it all the time. | ||
| I respect that you like it. | ||
| No, I don't like it. | ||
| No, you just do it. | ||
| Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. | ||
| You went hunting with Brian. | ||
| You must have liked that. | ||
| Yeah, it was cold as fuck. | ||
| We were camping out in the middle of the snow in Montana. | ||
| Or in the middle of freezing weather. | ||
| It didn't snow. | ||
| It did rain one day, though. | ||
| That's worse than snow. | ||
| You know, it's miserable. | ||
| But I wanted to experience it. | ||
| I think we're so far removed from being in the wilderness that to have an opportunity, especially with expert outdoorsmen, to go out into the wilderness for five days, I'm like, I'm going. | ||
| This is going to be wildness. | ||
| Ari Shafir and I are going salmon fishing. | ||
| We're headed up to the great white north of Alaska. | ||
| We're trying to get a date in Anchorage. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To go salmon fishing. | ||
| Sure you could get a date in Anchorage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're going to go, hopefully, go catch some fucking salmon, Dom Arara. | ||
| Pull those giant... | ||
| Swimming upstream, those cocksuckers. | ||
| Giant monsters. | ||
| Crazy fucking fish. | ||
| Powerful muscular fish. | ||
| Show them how quick you are. | ||
| Imagine how hard it must have been to eat fish back before people figured out rods and reels and spears and shit like that. | ||
| Fucking hard to get a fish meal. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You going to grab it with your hands, stupid? | ||
| Well, the idea of them swimming upstream, there were so many of them, you could bat them out of the air. | ||
| So ridiculous that that was like the choice for survival, that they would go all the way upstream back to the river, or back up the mouth of the river. | ||
| Not the brightest fish. | ||
| Well, it's nuts that they live in fresh water and they also live in salt water. | ||
| What a crazy animal. | ||
| Brackish water. | ||
| Wild fucking animal. | ||
| Is that a real thing that's been going around, this thing with human-like teeth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called a sheep-shed, sheep? | |
| Sheep-shed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fish? | |
| Sheep-shed fish? | ||
| Yeah, it's all over the internet. | ||
| Yeah, fish are weird, man. | ||
| They're out there breathing water and shit, swimming around. | ||
| I watched a show today about a paddlefish. | ||
| You know what a paddlefish is? | ||
| No. | ||
| It doesn't have any bones. | ||
| Some weird prehistoric fish that lives in, I think it was the Ozarks or something like that. | ||
| I forget what they were saying. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You can't even catch them with bait. | ||
| The way you catch them is by having a line with a bunch of hooks on it. | ||
| And you just drop it down and keep pulling it up. | ||
| Keep pulling it up, trying to snag something. | ||
| And that's it if you snag it. | ||
| And if you snag it, then you just pull it up to the surface. | ||
| But you never legitimately catch one ever. | ||
| You just got to snag one. | ||
| I never heard of that. | ||
| That's the only way to catch them. | ||
| Yeah, they're enormous. | ||
| And they have no bones. | ||
| They're so weird. | ||
| They're some sort of weird prehistoric fish. | ||
| And the way they gut them, it's so strange. | ||
| They make an incision and they pull out the spinal cord. | ||
| They eat them? | ||
| Yeah, they eat everything. | ||
| And the roe of these animals is apparently very much like sturgeon roe, which is what caviar is, which is worth a lot of money. | ||
| And so in order to make sure that they didn't allow a market for this stuff to develop, even though it's legal to kill the animal and legal to eat the animal, it's only legal to possess its roe on the dock. | ||
| You can only either have it on your boat or on the dock. | ||
| So you've got to either eat that roe or throw it out. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you can't take it with you because you can develop a market for it. | ||
| You can't develop a market for it. | ||
| Because then the animal's roe would be worth too much and they would worry that even though you have a certain number that you can kill in a day and eat. | ||
| They say it tastes good. | ||
| They say it tastes like pork. | ||
| That's what they were saying when they grilled it. | ||
| They said, you know, because a lot of people have an aversion to eating it because it's a strange, like, it's almost like they have prejudices against it because it doesn't have any bones and it looks like it's a fucking billion years old. | ||
| It looks like a crazy dinosaur fish. | ||
| It's amazing they keep discovering new species and new fish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever heard of a snakehead fish? | |
| Yeah, those are a real problem. | ||
| They have snakehead fishes in fisheses? | ||
| Snakehead fish have been spotted in Central Park. | ||
| Yeah, thanks for finishing my sentence. | ||
| Yeah, they've invaded in Central Park. | ||
| How the fuck did they get there? | ||
| Somebody had to bring them. | ||
| Yeah, that's what's going on in Florida, right? | ||
| They've been outside of water for a couple days, which is the scary part. | ||
| Yeah, they walk, dude. | ||
| They walk. | ||
| Hey, how you doing? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| Did you ever see that special about the Congo? | ||
| I think that's where they live. | ||
| I think where they live is in the Congo. | ||
| It's the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Made into Asia and Russia is what this says. | |
| Is that what it is? | ||
| That's what this article says. | ||
| Well, they're probably right. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure I'm wrong, but there's a fish like it. | ||
| It might not be the snakehead, but there's a video. | ||
| Let me see if I can pull it up on YouTube. | ||
| It's BBC Congo, and I've talked about it before. | ||
| It's really a damn shame that this video isn't like one of those... | ||
| You know those Mother Earth or Planet Earth DVD setups? | ||
| Well, they're super easy to get. | ||
| Everybody knows about them, right? | ||
| It's like if you want to see some cool shit on nature, the Planet Earth series is amazing. | ||
| Well, the BBC one, the Congo one, really should be just as fascinating to people. | ||
| It's really sad that for whatever reason that video is hard to get a hold of. | ||
| But in one of the scenes, there's this... | ||
| Weird fish, probably similar to Snakehead, gets out of water and starts walking. | ||
| And you're like, I can't even believe this. | ||
| It just walks over to another puddle and then jumps in. | ||
| You're like, I can't believe what I'm seeing. | ||
| This is a dinosaur. | ||
| This fucking thing just did some dinosaur shit. | ||
| I mean, we're literally seeing life evolve. | ||
| That's like the beginning of that, right? | ||
| The ability to come out of that water and walk on the ground to better water. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| What a freaky fucking snake fish thing. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| How do they call it snake fish? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I wonder what it's called in the Congo. | ||
| Snake head fish? | ||
| The Congo is apparently like one of the densest, densest rainforests in the world. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what the fuck that fish is called. | ||
| I guess it's not a snake head. | ||
| It's something else. | ||
| But if you get a chance to get a hold of that documentary, I think it's just called BBC Congo. | ||
| Let me Google it real quick. | ||
| I think that's what it was called. | ||
| There's something coming up for Mystery Fish of the Congo, but the video won't play. | ||
| Well, there was also those ones that... | ||
| You ever watch that show, River Monsters? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy's badass. | ||
| Yeah, that's cool. | ||
| He's a fishing motherfucker. | ||
| That guy went out in a wooden canoe. | ||
| I used to think nothing of that show. | ||
| I'd say, oh, it's the guy fishing. | ||
| What's the big deal? | ||
| No. | ||
| This guy fishes how the locals fish. | ||
| He got in this wooden boat, okay, with like a hundred hooks in it, and they were in this like tippity-toppity boat, and they're dropping these lines in for giant catfish. | ||
| So at any point in time, something could fucking grab one of those lines and pull those fishing lines, and who knows how many hooks are flying in that guy's direction. | ||
| And actually people have died from that. | ||
| Like one of the people in this tribe died from that. | ||
| He got caught in a hook and dragged underwater. | ||
| Like, that guy is legit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And this is the other thing that he said. | ||
| While he was there, one of the people, one of the main people in their tribe, the chief, disappeared. | ||
| He was gone for a whole day. | ||
| And they were seriously worried. | ||
| And because they believe in bad spirits and bad omens, they believe that he had caused the chief to disappear. | ||
| And if the chief didn't come back, they were planning on killing him. | ||
| They were going to stone him to death. | ||
| And thankfully the chief came back and everybody was elated because like... | ||
| But he was like, you don't understand how Krosa came to dying. | ||
| Like they would have tried to kill him because they felt like he was a bad omen and he created... | ||
| Even if he didn't actively do anything to the chief, he created the bad luck that made the chief disappear. | ||
| Here's your fucking canoe. | ||
| Motherfuckers. | ||
| Remember that joke? | ||
| What's that from? | ||
| Joke. | ||
| It was a stupid joke, but remember? | ||
| A guy captured by these savages... | ||
| They're gonna eat him. | ||
| And he said, I'm gonna butcher the joke, but I just love the punchline. | ||
| And he goes, what are you gonna do with your skin? | ||
| And they go, we're gonna make a canoe out of it. | ||
| And he grabs a knife, he goes, here's your fucking canoe. | ||
| He just punched holes himself? | ||
| Oh god. | ||
| That's harsh. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| That's a tough joke. | ||
| That's a tough joke. | ||
| I come from a tough neighborhood, Joe. | ||
| Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a known fact that 90% of all queers come from your town. | |
| He's got me there. | ||
| There's no retort to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The best one is only two types of things that come from Oklahoma. | |
| Steers and queers. | ||
| Somebody was the first guy to say that. | ||
| I believe it's just queers anymore. | ||
| The guys that still live there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Still live there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't call him faggot no more without starting a revolution. | |
| Queer seems to roll off the tongue a tad easier. | ||
| You sound like the mean Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| The mean Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| Larry Dice Cable Guy. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mexicans gonna go ahead and suck my dick real quick. | |
| Here's how bad my taste is. | ||
| Here's how bad a manager or agent I would be. | ||
| Dan Whitney's his name, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Great fucking guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy. | ||
| I've met homeboy. | ||
| I was trying to talk him out of the Larry the Cable guy thing. | ||
| I was basically trying to talk about a life of a billion dollars. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| I said, Dan, I love you. | ||
| This character's strong, but you know, I like your old character better. | ||
| I don't know, Dom. | ||
| It's doing pretty well. | ||
| Boy, were you fucking wrong. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| Boy, were you fucking wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right, all right. | |
| I have to say it twice for a fact. | ||
| Jesus, Dom Herrera. | ||
| Bad advice, Dom Herrera. | ||
| No, you're coming down on me, Joe. | ||
| You're throwing me to the wolves. | ||
| Has a guy ever become really good that you didn't see coming? | ||
| We saw him in the beginning and you're like, oh, this guy's fucked. | ||
| I'll tell you who became really good that I was more surprised because he was so shy. | ||
| Brian Regan. | ||
| Oh, Brian Regan's very funny. | ||
| Yeah, but see, Brian, I knew him since the beginning. | ||
| He was a, like, 19-year-old kid, 20-year-old, that was an MC. And he was just, like, gracious and deferring and not silly at all. | ||
| He was like a classic, like, Tonight Show stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But none of the, you know, the... | ||
| He's, like, all over the place, the character... | ||
| You know, he's fucking brilliantly funny. | ||
| He just knows how to be funny. | ||
| It's his style, too. | ||
| His style of being funny. | ||
| He's got his own thing, yeah. | ||
| He's like a few guys, maybe three or four guys that are squeaky clean, but that everybody agrees are awesome. | ||
| It used to be Hedberg, before Hedberg died. | ||
| Everybody loved Hedberg, but what people forget is that Hedberg was squeaky clean. | ||
| Really. | ||
| I loved that. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| He was brilliant. | ||
| He was really an all-time great for me. | ||
| He's one of the few guys that else to this day listen to his old stuff. | ||
| Just to laugh. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| If I'm at the airport or something like that. | ||
| I used to love... | ||
| He was on... | ||
| Remember Full Frontal Comedy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And Hedberg was on. | ||
| I remember one line he said, no matter how much I practice tennis, I'll never be as good as the wall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The wall is relentless. | ||
| He took an old expression and made it a really funny bit. | ||
| Playing tennis ball against the wall. | ||
| Look at this fucking guy. | ||
| He's playing tennis ball against the wall. | ||
| You're never going to win. | ||
| He turned it into one of the funniest bits ever. | ||
| Fucking brilliant. | ||
| I was just in his home in one of his towns, Austin, a couple weeks ago. | ||
| He's from Minneapolis, isn't he? | ||
| He did a lot of comedy in Texas. | ||
| I met him in Houston. | ||
| But they really are big fans of his down there. | ||
| Yeah, he was awesome, man. | ||
| He was beautiful. | ||
| That guy was really fucking funny. | ||
| Great stand-up, yeah. | ||
| He was really fucking funny. | ||
| One time he offered me coke at a party in Montreal. | ||
| And he's such a nice kid, you know. | ||
| I said, Mitch, I don't do coke. | ||
| He goes, I'm sorry. | ||
| I go, sorry? | ||
| You're fucking generous. | ||
| That's basically like offering me a $200 sweater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, it's nice of you. | ||
| It's just that I don't happen to do it. | ||
| I'm not judging it. | ||
| He came up to me in Rochester, New York. | ||
| We met for... | ||
| And he was so proud that he was only drinking beer. | ||
| You know, he wasn't doing drugs. | ||
| I said, so basically you're bragging to me about only being an alcoholic. | ||
| I said, yeah, kind of. | ||
| There's such a giant difference between those drugs and all the other ones. | ||
| The opiates and all the other ones. | ||
| I saw a commercial the other day for some sort of clinic for opiate addiction. | ||
| It was just talking about how easy it is to get hooked and all the different people that are hooked and don't want to admit they're hooked. | ||
| It was just showing you the examples. | ||
| I would like to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| No, I would. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| I would love to do heroin if there was, you know, I mean, if it wasn't so dangerous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'd love the feeling because I don't want to fucking, I don't want to be high. | ||
| Like, I don't want to be, like, methed out or anything speedy, cocaine. | ||
| Yeah, that's scary. | ||
| You already know. | ||
| I don't even drink too much coffee. | ||
| But fucking mellows, I like. | ||
| I like to be nodding off. | ||
| Like, throwing up. | ||
| With a sense of music. | ||
| All of a sudden, I think I can work on a song. | ||
| Yeah, you just get to the root of things. | ||
| Wouldn't you like to try heroin, though? | ||
| Wouldn't you like to know what the feeling's like? | ||
| I don't trust myself. | ||
| I don't trust that I wouldn't like it. | ||
| I don't trust anything. | ||
| This is my rule, and I don't tell anybody what to do, ever. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Why am I lying? | ||
| If you say I'm stupid, I'll tell you don't do it. | ||
| I don't fuck with anything that's addictive. | ||
| I don't fuck with anything that can get you. | ||
| I don't even like coffee, because coffee can get you. | ||
| You're not addicted to pot? | ||
| No. | ||
| I take weeks off a pot all the time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, all the time. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| The only time I absolutely smoke pot, it used to be before jujitsu, but it's before isolation tank. | ||
| I almost always do it before that, or before writing. | ||
| A lot of times I do it before writing. | ||
| It helps you? | ||
| It gets me in a nice groove. | ||
| It helps me release my current grasp on reality. | ||
| I just think when you get an opportunity to look at things, like coffee doesn't do that. | ||
| Coffee sort of inspires movement, inspires me to act, me to have energy to start things off. | ||
| But for me, the best inspiration is like a mental inspiration, like an inspiration where I can step away from it all and see it from a different perspective. | ||
| That's what, a lot of times, what getting high does for me. | ||
| It allows me to just, like, move over to the next window. | ||
| You know, I've been looking at things through the window of sober, sustained reality. | ||
| Let's move over and look at things from the, oh, look at over here. | ||
| If you're kind of high and you relax a little bit, you realize this is kind of funny, really. | ||
| And then you start poking holes at things. | ||
| I don't get funnier at all with alcohol. | ||
| That's the only thing I ever do. | ||
| But one martini... | ||
| Will get me funny. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Two martinis, not funny. | ||
| It's really a big difference. | ||
| I mean, it just slows me down enough where I don't feel that fucking... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And one, I can do. | ||
| One is, yeah, like a little bit of a buzz. | ||
| Like a tiny little bit of a buzz. | ||
| It's kind of nice. | ||
| Because I don't get nervous. | ||
| Do you get nervous at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| I get... | ||
| The only time I get anxious at all is if someone I know is going to be there like me. | ||
| But that makes me usually perform better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll be a little bit sharper. | ||
| I'll be a little bit more alert. | ||
| Which is everything, right? | ||
| Comedy clubs, I don't get nervous. | ||
| I mean, theater sometimes... | ||
| 2,000 people is a lot for me. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's a different sort of experience. | ||
| Yeah, I did a trap in Atlantic City, and it's the only 2,000-seater that I do that has so much of a meaning for me. | ||
| I've done them in Canada. | ||
| But, like, my family's there. | ||
| My friends are there. | ||
| It's my home. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that's a little fucking... | ||
| That's where I get a little bit, you know... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel it in my stomach. | ||
| It's a lot of fucking human beings. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| Standing in front of 2,000 fucking human beings. | ||
| It's a lot of material, too. | ||
| An hour and ten. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fun, though. | ||
| There's no better gig on the planet. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I've done so many different things, but there's nothing like the comedy. | ||
| Nothing like the stand-up. | ||
| Nothing like the stand-up, either, as an audience member. | ||
| Like, I like a lot of things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, obviously, I like... | ||
| I like different sports, and I like MMA, and I like going to movies, but I like going to see a really great stand-up. | ||
| I love that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun, yeah. | |
| It's so fun. | ||
| It's fun when you can laugh and be, separate yourself from that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And to get excited still, I like, when I see someone who's really good, I want to go right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, definitely. | ||
| Oh, yeah, 100%. | ||
| I was at Laugh Factory the other night, and it's funny because I was at the Comedy Store first, and I didn't feel like, I canceled Friday. | ||
| I never canceled. | ||
| I was just beat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And Bill Burr said something that I've been thinking. | ||
| He goes, I just don't have anything to say tonight. | ||
| I don't feel funny. | ||
| I don't feel it going on. | ||
| And I thought, thank God. | ||
| Here's Bill saying it, somebody I respect so much. | ||
| And I was fine at the Comedy Store, but by the time I got to the Laugh Factory, I was juiced. | ||
| I was ready to go. | ||
| And I loved it because I'm seeing all these college students laughing at me. | ||
| And this is a very young crowd. | ||
| And there was four 20-year-old girls right in the front. | ||
| And I go, when would I ever get a chance to talk to you? | ||
| I said, I'm like three feet away from you, four 20-year-olds. | ||
| I said, you go, I came up to you at a bar. | ||
| You go, get lost, pops. | ||
| Before I report you to the manager. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun, man. | ||
| I'm still driven by that. | ||
| That ego of showing off in front of pretty girls. | ||
| How much of a factor is that? | ||
| It's a factor. | ||
| I get a kick out of it. | ||
| I get a kick out of making them laugh. | ||
| Also, tough guys. | ||
| If I can crack a guy who looks like a gang member. | ||
| You know, I see him with the fucking, just got the whole gang member dodger jacket. | ||
| See, just like little challenges. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's part of the fun of it, for sure. | ||
| I just think it's amazing when you can translate to other groups, you know? | ||
| I mean, let's face it. | ||
| If I was fucking stuck with Goombas my age, I'd be dead in the water. | ||
| You have to translate. | ||
| You have to go across generations. | ||
| My favorite is old ladies that laugh at me. | ||
| Isn't that great? | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| When you see them fucking crying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if you see like a girl, like sometimes like a college kid will come over to her grandmother. | ||
| I see them both laughing at a jizz joke. | ||
| You know, the first time in their life to, you know. | ||
| She'd be amazed. | ||
| I mean, especially because the old ladies today, they're like, you know, they were around in the 70s and the 80s, you know, and now they're in the 60s and 70s. | ||
| They're coming out to comedy clubs. | ||
| Like, they have a pretty goddamn good sense of humor. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| They didn't grow up in an innocent... | ||
| In the Depression. | ||
| They didn't grow up in the Depression. | ||
| That's the difference between, you know, our parents' parents and these people that are coming up today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is a more relaxed bunch. | ||
| They grew up with Jimi Hendrix. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've had a lot of older, gray-haired folks come up to me after shows. | ||
| Isn't that great? | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| There's no reason to not just enjoy yourself and have fun. | ||
| Like, oh, this is like... | ||
| We have a lot of self-imposed restrictions on the way we view things and the looseness in which we approach things. | ||
| And a lot of it is just because people have to work. | ||
| They have to be serious because they have to work all day, shitty fucking jobs all day. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard to really have time to step back and make fun of it all and step back and look at it for what it really is, some weird temporary state that could end at any minute. | ||
| You know, it's gotta be a weird thing to be a person who's an old person who's just locked and rigid and set in their ways and not seeing the end coming like a goddamn freight train just rolling down the track and they're just... | ||
| Don't be getting philosophical with the meter organ. | ||
| Acting cunty and fucking... | ||
| I know, what a waste of fucking energy in life. | ||
| We know a lot of folks like that though, huh? | ||
| I think it's funny, the guys who won't talk, you know, they don't talk a certain way in front of women And yet they have no idea that the group of women are fucking pigs talking about fucking sucking cock and all this shit. | ||
| Yeah, there's some guys that are just, they don't get it. | ||
| The boys club guys. | ||
| Some guys don't want to know either. | ||
| There's some guys that don't want to know that women, like some guys want like really innocent women that never joke around about that. | ||
| It's a fantasy. | ||
| Women that don't even exist. | ||
| Well, maybe they just want to find that one girl from Wisconsin that came here and hasn't been spoiled yet, Tom Herrera. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever think about that, pal? | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Don't jump down. | ||
| Don't get fresh. | ||
| Do you ever hear the... | ||
| Whatever happened to Fresh? | ||
| Joe, don't give me the business. | ||
| You're giving me the business. | ||
| Whatever happened to Fresh? | ||
| I think we should bring that back. | ||
| Like, don't get Fresh. | ||
| I think that is a nice thing you can say to people. | ||
| Jamie today is on the podcast. | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| Why do you let him on the podcast, first of all? | ||
| He wanted to come. | ||
| Frasier Smith was on. | ||
| You're a beautiful man, but that's a terrible idea. | ||
| He was doing a filibuster. | ||
| Jamie did? | ||
| He was telling the guests to shut up. | ||
| Buddy, listen to me. | ||
| I've been running La Factory since 1975. I work. | ||
| I work. | ||
| For hold on, buddy. | ||
| He kept saying to Frazier, shut up. | ||
| I said, you can't have a guest on and tell him to shut up. | ||
| He's a fucking guest. | ||
| He was brutal. | ||
| So many people, that podcast I did with you and him, they were like, please don't ever bring him on again. | ||
| It was like the majority of the comments was like, who the fuck is that guy and why is he on with Joe and Dom? | ||
| I told you what they said, too. | ||
| Not the majority. | ||
| I made that up. | ||
| We think you're funny, but you gotta lose the little Mexican. | ||
| They're calling him a little Mexican. | ||
| Why are you blaming this on Mexicans? | ||
| He's Iranian Jewish through Israel, but what a fucking character. | ||
| That is being really shitty at being racist. | ||
| Thinking he's Mexican? | ||
| It's like you're a racist, you just suck at it. | ||
| You even suck at being a racist. | ||
| What do you do with the fucking Mexican? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, as if he Buddy, listen to me. | |
| I was in small country a long time ago. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds exactly like a Mexican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Buddy, listen to me. | |
| Listen, I've been working La Factory since 1976. Every year he gets younger when he came over here. | ||
| Buddy, listen. | ||
| I was six years old. | ||
| I was toddler. | ||
| I came by myself. | ||
| Buddy, I bring microphone. | ||
| I sneak them in my underwear as I come to America. | ||
| That silly bitch. | ||
| Hey, he's still kicking, man. | ||
| Still out there supporting stand-up. | ||
| If it wasn't for guys like him, people that own comedy clubs, they're all crazy. | ||
| But you have to be crazy to own a comedy club. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| He loves comedy. | ||
| There's a few people that drive comedy in this country. | ||
| Wendy from Colorado, from Comedy Works. | ||
| She drives comedy in Colorado. | ||
| What a story. | ||
| She was a waitress. | ||
| She ends up owning the club. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| She's a beautiful person, too. | ||
| But she drives comedy in Colorado. | ||
| She was one of the reasons why, when I wanted to escape, it was Project Escape from L.A., When I was looking at a place to go, Colorado was one of my choices. | ||
| And one of the reasons being is that she has a real comedy scene there. | ||
| It's a legit comedy scene. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She does. | |
| Great clips. | ||
| Yeah, she's got open micers all the way up to headliners, like local headliners. | ||
| And she works those guys. | ||
| She has a whole rotation. | ||
| You're allowed to do 10 minutes, and here you're allowed to do 15 minutes. | ||
| She develops comics. | ||
| She has open mic nights. | ||
| A lot of people forgot about open mic nights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jamie still has them. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| You have to have them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to have them. | ||
| They're so important. | ||
| The problem is a place like LA where everybody thinks they're fucking funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which everybody sucks in the beginning, but some people suck to the point of no return. | ||
| You didn't suck at the beginning, did you? | ||
| Fuck yeah, I did. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| You were awesome? | ||
| No, I wouldn't say I was awesome, but I think I didn't suck because I was already over my nerves because of acting. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I mean, I didn't... | ||
| I didn't have much of an act, but I think I always could bail myself out. | ||
| I don't want to sound like a jerk off and say I didn't suck, but I'm sure I would think I sucked. | ||
| But I'm not that big a fan of mine today. | ||
| I was very socially anxious before I did stand-up, but I also was able to teach martial arts classes. | ||
| And because I had taught so many martial arts classes, I had like a little bit less fear of talking than I probably should have had. | ||
| Sure, at least you were doing public speaking. | ||
| Yeah, I had conducted a class. | ||
| I did many classes. | ||
| You know, that's what I was doing for a living. | ||
| How far did you go in martial arts, Jim? | ||
| When I was 19, I was teaching Taekwondo at Boston University. | ||
| I was a black belt. | ||
| When I was in Taekwondo, I was a black belt, I think, when I was 16 or 17. Probably 17. Somewhere around there. | ||
| And I won the Massachusetts State Championship like four years in a while. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's so good for your head, too. | ||
| Well, not really if you get hit. | ||
| No, I mean the emotional head. | ||
| Well, it was for me. | ||
| For me at the time, it was big. | ||
| But the teaching, it was really satisfying watching people learn things. | ||
| That's what I learned. | ||
| I really love sharing things. | ||
| And I also learned that in sharing teaching techniques with people, I really concentrated on my own techniques. | ||
| I think a lot of my kicks and a lot of my movements got even sharper because I was teaching them to people. | ||
| I was breaking them down, showing them how to do them from scratch. | ||
| And then I had a few people. | ||
| There was this one girl that I trained. | ||
| She came in as a white belt and then she got all the way up to... | ||
| I don't want anybody to get mad at me, but I believe it was yellow, green, blue, red, black. | ||
| I think that was the thing. | ||
| She got up to blue. | ||
| Which was pretty high. | ||
| It means you're starting to compete against people that are dangerous. | ||
| They can kick you in the face. | ||
| You can get crazy. | ||
| And she won this tournament, and I was coaching her. | ||
| So I coached her from the time she was a white belt all the way to the time she was a blue belt. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Oh, it was amazing. | ||
| Yeah, it was amazing. | ||
| And she was a young kid. | ||
| She was in high school. | ||
| She was really talented. | ||
| She just knew how to listen. | ||
| She knew how to listen and she knew how to do what I explained. | ||
| She was super focused. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| Teaching someone something and seeing someone completely dive into something that you appreciate and watching them get better at it. | ||
| It's so rewarding to be able to pass that on. | ||
| I always used to remember, like, my instructor when, like, there was guys that were really good in the class and they did something really good, you know, whether it was a sparring demonstration or whether they, you know, did a drill on the bag or something like that. | ||
| He had this beam of joy in his eye when he saw you do it really well. | ||
| Like, you know, when you really did, yes, that's it. | ||
| He would get excited. | ||
| And, like, you could see this, like, I didn't understand it then, but when I started teaching there, I realized, like, you're, like, taking part in someone's joy by helping them create something, by helping them create these movements and figuring out how to do these movements correctly. | ||
| That it's not just like learning how to kick. | ||
| It's like tapping into this area where you have control over the whole package, even for just a brief moment. | ||
| And in doing that, there was a phrase that they had from the Taekwondo brochure when you signed up that I'll never forget. | ||
| It said that it was a vehicle for developing your human potential. | ||
| So that's how I thought of it, and that's how I would teach it. | ||
| So when you were teaching that, it's like I had an opportunity. | ||
| I always felt like I had an opportunity to show somebody something that can change their life. | ||
| I'll show you what changed my life. | ||
| I'll show it to you, and you can do it too, and it'll change your life too. | ||
| You will literally become a different person. | ||
| I taught fourth grade, and now those kids are grown-ups. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And that's really cool because some of them told me it was the best year of their lives. | ||
| They come to see me do stand-up. | ||
| Oh, that's amazing. | ||
| It's very cool. | ||
| What were you teaching? | ||
| Fourth grade, I taught everything. | ||
| Oh, fourth grade is like math, science, everything? | ||
| I mean, yeah, it's different than what you did because you went to some people who had like an interest and a love for something and wanted to explore it, what you were doing. | ||
| But mine is different. | ||
| They had to be there. | ||
| So my thing was self-esteem. | ||
| I figured I can't teach, these subjects are going to come and go in their lives, but teaching them self-esteem and some of the most rewarding things were like, I had this one kid, he was real shy, he was so shy, he was real tall, and he was embarrassed by it. | ||
| And he would stay in the cloakroom, they'd call it. | ||
| You know, with all the coats. | ||
| And he'd just stay in there. | ||
| He wouldn't come out. | ||
| I used to call him Sky King because he was a space cadet. | ||
| I go, Sky, you've got to come out. | ||
| You can't stay. | ||
| I can't let a kid just sit, you know. | ||
| And by the end of me just, like, working his self-esteem and all, he was in the middle of the class, just with everybody else waving his hand and... | ||
| And his mother came up to me and she was like really touched by it and told me that I changed his life. | ||
| And you know, that kind of shit's cool. | ||
| And now I got like a couple of the girls come to see me. | ||
| One of the girls goes, Mr. Irira, why did you let us do so much stuff? | ||
| I said, because you were smarter than me. | ||
| I said, look, I had more knowledge because I was an adult, but you kids, a lot of you have more brain power than me. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was smart enough to know that I wasn't. | ||
| That's why you ran the class. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So you were an easy teacher. | ||
| That's what you're trying to say. | ||
| Oh, really easy. | ||
| I told them at the beginning of the year, I said, look, I want this to be the most fun year of your life. | ||
| Only you can mess it up. | ||
| What a fucking awesome opportunity that must have been. | ||
| And I said, I want to go to the gym. | ||
| This is when I was playing basketball. | ||
| I said, I want to go to the gym more than you do. | ||
| So, you know, we're going to have a party every Friday afternoon. | ||
| We'd have, like, kids that would do break dancing and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it was awesome. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| Did you ever try to pitch that as a sitcom? | ||
| No, but somebody else had an idea for it a couple times. | ||
| That would be a hilarious sitcom. | ||
| That seems like a natural. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You as a funny teacher. | ||
| Because you really did it, it's legit. | ||
| And if you really stop and think about it, that would be like, for a kid, that's like one of the greatest rolls of the dice a kid can get for a fourth grade teacher. | ||
| Yeah, I had to grow up. | ||
| Yeah, down my rear for your fourth grade teacher. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She still calls me Mr. Irera. | ||
| She's 26 years old. | ||
| And she calls me Mr. Irera. | ||
| And I go, Teresa, first of all, you're taller than me. | ||
| She's hot blonde. | ||
| I go, stop with the Mr. Irera. | ||
| You're going to call me Dom. | ||
| She goes, I just can't call you Dom. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Like, she's got me down as Mr. Irare. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That'll keep you from being a dirty bird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| Hey, stay away, Dom. | ||
| You've known her since she's a little girl. | ||
| Let her call you Mr. Irare. | ||
| She's trying to establish boundaries. | ||
| Somebody said, why do you go out with a girl so young? | ||
| I go, because I can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Is this thing on? | ||
| Is this on? | ||
| Is the sound just working here? | ||
| Hello? | ||
| That was one of my favorite bits of yours. | ||
| I mean, it was almost like an interstitial. | ||
| It was so fun to do. | ||
| Sometimes you'd throw it in between jokes that kill. | ||
| Hello, come on, folks. | ||
| Give a little. | ||
| Get off your high horses. | ||
| Even jokes that were killing, you would throw that in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You remember Nathan Lane? | ||
| Nathan Lane. | ||
| He's an actor? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Was he in like a musical? | ||
| Yeah, there's been a bunch of them. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| He lives in New York. | ||
| He was in The Producers. | ||
| I should know who he is. | ||
| He was in La Caja Fall. | ||
| But anyway, he used to give me... | ||
| He had his great memory. | ||
| And I would do that Fritzie Anderson character, and he would remember shit. | ||
| He goes, get off your high horses. | ||
| Because I would go, get off your high horses. | ||
| Come down up your exalted mountains. | ||
| Retreat from your petite plateaus. | ||
| Come on, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, ah, ooh. | |
| And it was just so much fun to do because it was so physical and loud. | ||
| We used to kill my voice. | ||
| What do you call a dog with no legs? | ||
| Nothing no matter what you're calling me, you ain't coming! | ||
| Where did I lose you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello? | |
| Yeah, having characters that you can just bring back like that is always fun. | ||
| Oh, that was a fun character. | ||
| All it was was a conglomeration of every lounge mountain comedian I've ever seen. | ||
| You know, like the sappy songs. | ||
| I write the jokes to make the whole world smile. | ||
| You know, that kind of guy. | ||
| I had a nightmare last night, I guess it was last night, that I bombed on stage in a hell gig in Long Island. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Very specific. | ||
| Oh, God, because Long Island was, I did a lot of hell gigs in Long Island. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've done brokerage and governors. | ||
| Yeah, I did the nice places too, but I also did Fast Eddie's in Huntington. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| That was when I got my manager convinced to let me be dirty. | ||
| Jeff? | ||
| You've been with Jeff a long time. | ||
| Yeah, from the beginning. | ||
| He picked me up when I was a scrub. | ||
| He picked me up when I was an open-miker. | ||
| We've been together forever. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He is the best. | ||
| I love him, too. | ||
| He's my friend. | ||
| He's not just a manager. | ||
| He's the best manager, and I love him. | ||
| But in the beginning, we were still trying to figure it out. | ||
| I was only like 20-something years old. | ||
| I didn't know shit. | ||
| Maybe you should be clean. | ||
| That was back in the day where everybody should be clean. | ||
| And I'd done some clean sets too. | ||
| I think he asked me to do one clean set for him. | ||
| So I did a clean set at Catch a Rising Star. | ||
| But then we went to the place that was way out. | ||
| Was it Eastside? | ||
| Yeah, Eastside Comedy Club. | ||
| I did a set out there. | ||
| And then we did a set at this Fast Eddie's place, and this Fast Eddie's place was a dive! | ||
| And there was a dude named George Gallo, I don't know if you remember him. | ||
| He was on stage, a real physical act, and he was doing this thing where he would do a reverse shit with a banana. | ||
| Oh, the old reverse shit. | ||
| I guess he would put the banana fully formed on his lips and then suck it back into his mouth or something like that and call it a reverse shit with a banana. | ||
| And so Jeff, I'll never forget, he looks over at me and he goes, you don't have to do this. | ||
| I'm going to get you out of this. | ||
| And I go, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I told him, I go, these are my people. | ||
| I go, trust me, we're going to be fine here. | ||
| I know how to make these people laugh. | ||
| And so I went up and did my hell gig material, you know, because I did so many hell gigs. | ||
| That's when you started being dirty again? | ||
| Well, it was when he was convinced. | ||
| He gave in watching that one set in this crazy nightclub. | ||
| Like, it was the end of discussion whether or not I should be clean. | ||
| He goes, okay, we just got to concentrate on just go all dirty. | ||
| See what he said? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Having a guy like that... | ||
| As a manager, it just takes all the worry out of, like, career and handling things, you know? | ||
| Like, you got a relationship like that with a guy, you love the guy, like family, and he's also your manager. | ||
| It really alleviates so much, you know? | ||
| He's the best! | ||
| He's the best! | ||
| So is Chandra, they're the best. | ||
| But I just got so lucky that I met them, you know? | ||
| There's a lot of kooky faces out there, a lot of crazy fucking people in show business. | ||
| I mean, how many Looney Tunes managers have we met? | ||
| How many people off the deep end? | ||
| How many people that fucking swindle people and wind up stealing money or owing money or embroiled in controversy every other year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Lenny Clark got fucked. | ||
| Oh, he got fucked hard. | ||
| So did Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| He got fucked in that as well. | ||
| A lot of guys did. | ||
| Some agent stole hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
| I know who it is. | ||
| I'm not going to name him here. | ||
| Dirty sacks of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a funny business we're in, Tom Amara. | ||
| You and I have known each other for a long fucking time now. | ||
| Yes, me brother. | ||
| 20 years. | ||
| 20 years of Nineball, too. | ||
| You'd think I'd be a little better. | ||
| A lot of fucking pool, Dom Herrera. | ||
| Concentrate on your stroke. | ||
| We're still going to shoot tonight? | ||
| Fuck yeah, bitch. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| I got two hours in me, that's all. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| Two hours, that's what the doctor ordered, son. | ||
| I got to tell you now, Joe. | ||
| Dom Herrera, relax over here. | ||
| Dom Herrera, where can the folks see you next? | ||
| I'll be at the Improv in Atlanta this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then the following... | ||
| I didn't even know that they had an Improv in Atlanta. | ||
| Yeah, I heard it's nice. | ||
| Is this new? | ||
| Pretty new, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You want to hear how I got the gig? | ||
| How did you get the gig? | ||
| I was doing a benefit for Animals. | ||
| It was for Alan Habe. | ||
| And for animal shelters. | ||
| And I didn't even know what it was. | ||
| I just went in because it was Alan. | ||
| And I said, I thought maybe Alan needed money. | ||
| And then they go, no, it's for dogs and cats. | ||
| I go, fuck dogs and cats. | ||
| I'm kidding, you know. | ||
| But anyway, so then I get a call the next day. | ||
| I've been wanting to go to Atlanta. | ||
| And Bud Friedman called and my agent. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Oh, Bud Friedman's opening this joint? | ||
| Well, he's booking it, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Wow, I didn't know Bud booked things anymore. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| He does, like, Reno and Tahoe and a couple things. | ||
| Oh, he had, like, had something at the Improv a couple years ago where he was, like, officially retiring. | ||
| But he always does. | ||
| Yeah, you know what it is? | ||
| It's probably too fun for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This guy's been in the fucking business his whole life. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, he can't give up. | ||
| He loves getting up and saying hello. | ||
| He does. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Comedy's a great fucking thing to still be a part of. | ||
| It's a fun thing to still be a part of. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| If you're a stand-up comedy fan, I don't think there's ever been more funny guys around than now. | ||
| I don't think so either. | ||
| I think it's one of the best times ever. | ||
| There's so many good people. | ||
| Men, women, there's so many funny chicks. | ||
| I think there's more funny chicks now than ever before. | ||
| I was with Sarah Silverman the other night. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| Just her and Amy Schumer, I think they rank up with the funniest chicks of all time. | ||
| I don't know Amy's work. | ||
| Bonnie McFarlane does as well. | ||
| She's fucking hilarious. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| She's very smart. | ||
| She's a very smart person. | ||
| She sees things. | ||
| She points out things and they make sense. | ||
| You go with it. | ||
| It's great stuff. | ||
| Oh, hilarious. | ||
| You ever heard the podcast? | ||
| She gives me anxiety. | ||
| She tortures him. | ||
| She tortures him. | ||
| It hurts my feelings. | ||
| I'm like, Rich, just shut the fuck up. | ||
| Just please, Rich. | ||
| Well, she's hotter. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| She's hotter and smarter. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| Yeah, that's a funny podcast. | ||
| The best comedy couple by far is Segura and Christina Pazitzki. | ||
| You don't know her? | ||
| I think I do. | ||
| Tom Segura's wife? | ||
| Dude, that chick is fucking funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We did one of Sam Tripoli's shows. | ||
| You know, Sam Tripoli had that naughty show. | ||
| And Sam Tripoli's naughty shows, if you've never seen them, he does these shows with improv. | ||
| And they're not just comedy. | ||
| There's like all kinds of craziness to it. | ||
| A lot of porn stars and stuff, right? | ||
| Yeah, porn stars. | ||
| They played some thing where if the guy got the question wrong, the porn star beat him with a belt. | ||
| So this chick is like beating this dude's ass with a belt and everyone's screaming and going nuts and then BOOM! They bring Kristina Positsky on stage. | ||
| She's not? | ||
| She's very pretty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she's not like a porn star looking chick. | ||
| She's like a very pretty regular chick. | ||
| So she goes on stage and by the way, don't ever ask me if my wife, my friend's wife is hot. | ||
| That's rude as fuck. | ||
| I didn't mean to put you on the spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just realized that. | |
| But you did you son of a bitch. | ||
| Yeah but you bought it. | ||
| But you handled it well. | ||
| You said she's pretty for a regular trip. | ||
| So it wasn't like she was selling sex. | ||
| She was just selling funny. | ||
| You know, she was going up there and being funny. | ||
| I mean, she dresses like, you know, like anybody. | ||
| Nice ass. | ||
| I wouldn't say it was a badass. | ||
| Trying to be as respectful as possible, Mr. Rare. | ||
| Would all due respect. | ||
| And anyway, she goes up there and I'm thinking, man, I just meet her, right? | ||
| And she's with Tom. | ||
| And I'm just like, you know, she seems so nice. | ||
| And now for sure she's going to go eat dick up there. | ||
| It's gonna be terrible. | ||
| How do you follow that? | ||
| The guy just beat a dude's ass with a belt and everybody was screaming. | ||
| How do you follow that? | ||
| He took his pants down? | ||
| I want to say yes. | ||
| I want to say, at the very least, his underwear was out. | ||
| He had his underwear on. | ||
| They beat his ass with a belt. | ||
| He got fucked up. | ||
| That dude got hurt. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| She crushes. | ||
| Crushes. | ||
| Just grabs it. | ||
| Makes fun of it. | ||
| Makes fun of the whole situation. | ||
| Relaxed. | ||
| Gets to it on her own due time. | ||
| Just controlled the whole room. | ||
| Like a pro. | ||
| It's so nice when you see that. | ||
| You're like, oh, she knows what she's doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
| Because there's nothing worse than befriending someone and then you've never seen them before. | ||
| And you're on those weird pop-in nights at the improv, where a lot of times on those Wednesday and Tuesday night shows, some of the people in the crowd will be supporting the guy who's on stage and they bring like 10 people with them, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you never know. | ||
| I brought a girl, I didn't bring her there, but she lives in Chicago and the Laugh Factory is in Chicago. | ||
| And I was doing it, and she asked me if she could do some time, because her family's there. | ||
| I never even saw her on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no. | |
| But she's hot. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Not only did she bring her family, she brought a shitload of people. | ||
| And she did very well, and she's really hot. | ||
| Wait a minute, she's good? | ||
| I wouldn't say she's good, but I mean, she's probably not like in Christina's class. | ||
| Yeah, Christina Pozitzki. | ||
| But she did very well. | ||
| I mean, she's a newcomer. | ||
| You know, she's really, really green. | ||
| But I mean, like, all it was was just like me going, yeah, you're hot. | ||
| Fuck, yeah, do seven minutes. | ||
| What do I care? | ||
| You know who impressed me the most doing like a pop-in set like that? | ||
| Lil' Esther. | ||
| Oh, she's great. | ||
| She did the Chicago Theater, Don. | ||
| There was 3,400 people there. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it seats. | ||
| It's more than 3,000. | ||
| I don't know how many seats, but it's more than 3,000. | ||
| She destroyed. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Yeah, she's good. | ||
| She was funny on the podcast, too. | ||
| There's so many funny fucking people today. | ||
| This is crazy time. | ||
| It came back, you know? | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| I think it's better than ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Look, Kevin Hart, I mean, think about Brian Callen, Nick DiPaolo, I mean, Jim Brewer, Bill Burr, David Tell, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Louis C.K., Tosh. | ||
| Just stop right there. | ||
| Look at how many guys you're dealing with there. | ||
| Patton Oswalt. | ||
| You can't forget Patton Oswalt. | ||
| He's one of the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so many good guys right now, man. | ||
| There's so many fucking good guys. | ||
| You know who fucking makes me laugh, though, even though he's not a traditional stand-up? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Andy Kindler. | ||
| Oh, he's hilarious. | ||
| He fucking kills me. | ||
| He is a traditional stand-up. | ||
| He just makes fun of stand-up. | ||
| He makes fun of, yeah. | ||
| When he bombs, he does better than when he's doing good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's the funniest bomber ever. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, he's quite a character, that guy. | ||
| Yeah, we live in good times. | ||
| This is great times for comedy. | ||
| And the fact that everybody has a podcast now, I think is awesome. | ||
| I just think it's one of the most amazing things ever, that all these different people have something that connects to the act. | ||
| You get to see the person. | ||
| Instead of just seeing the jokes on stage, you get to see the unfiltered human being. | ||
| See them fuck around with shit. | ||
| Talk about serious shit. | ||
| Talk about not so serious shit. | ||
| Bust balls. | ||
| Be silly. | ||
| Maybe sell a little ting. | ||
| Sell a little this, a little that. | ||
| Is it wrong to bring up ting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little ting. | |
| If you go to rogan.ting.com, there's a little something in it for you. | ||
| A little something in it for yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| Squarespace.com. | ||
| Go there too, you fucks. | ||
| You fucking whore master! | ||
| Yeah, I'm supposed to like, what is the Squarespace URL? You motherfucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is that from? | |
| You motherfucker! | ||
| That was from Joey Pesci. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You motherfucker! | |
| He told me that Pesci came in to see his goddaughter at the lab factory, and he thought I was going to go up, so he agreed to do my radio show. | ||
| I had a radio show there at the time, two years ago. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| And I says, I'm not going on, I'm tired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, well, if you're not going on, I'm not fucking doing your podcast. | |
| I said, you're right. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, Dom, I go to this fucking Italian restaurant in Vegas. | |
| Your picture's in the fucking urinal. | ||
| I'm looking at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like a fucking fag. | |
| Looking at you when I'm taking a piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a joke. | |
| Is that or is this a joke? | ||
| No, that's what he said. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He thought he was a fag. | ||
| Don't do jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| He felt like he was a fag? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something like that. | |
| You should have just pulled your cock out and see what happens next. | ||
| Could you imagine if Joe Pesci just turned... | ||
| Mowing down your cock? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| Even if you're, you know, obviously you're not gay, but even if you, just for the experience is what I'm saying. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I'll keep that in mind. | ||
| Keep that in mind the next time we see him. | ||
| If he brings it up again. | ||
| Well, I was trying to figure out why he was telling you that. | ||
| Well, because my picture was up above the urinal. | ||
| Because he loves you. | ||
| He does. | ||
| Joe Pesci's low. | ||
| He had his cock in his hand. | ||
| Pass it around. | ||
| And it was so memorable. | ||
| He had to bring it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why'd you have to fucking say that for? | |
| Squarespace.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Use the code Joe5. | ||
| Save yourself some money. | ||
| And thank you to Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan. | ||
| Save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Dominic motherfucking Irera Esquire. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're the fucking man. | ||
| I am proud to be your friend, my friend. | ||
| I'm honored. | ||
| Right back at you. | ||
| It's been a lot of fun and joy over the 20 years of knowing you. | ||
| We've had a lot of good times, my friend. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And we plan on having more. | ||
| Ain't that more coming! | ||
| All right, you fucks. | ||
| Powerful Dan Hardy will be here Wednesday. | ||
| It'll be an early podcast. | ||
| 11 a.m. | ||
| on Pacific Time for Powerful Dan Hardy. | ||
| And then there will also be one on Thursday. | ||
| And I'll let you know who's going to be on that. | ||
| All right, you fucks. | ||
| We love the shit out of you. | ||
| Appreciate you all, and mad love to you. | ||
| Big kisses. |
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