April 24, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:04:21
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hey! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| Meow! | ||
| Whoa, we forgot where you were. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I did. | |
| Yeah, this is the original spot. | ||
| And in the original spot, now known as Death Squad East. | ||
| Death Squad East has cats. | ||
| And for some reason, Brian has decided that Dasquad West is a primate beast. | ||
| It's all monkeys and scary things. | ||
| Live ones too, right? | ||
| Well, the studio itself definitely has a different feel. | ||
| You know, with the werewolf when you walk into the place. | ||
| That's an extraordinary feel. | ||
| That thing's awesome. | ||
| It is awesome. | ||
| It's the coolest thing I've ever bought in my life. | ||
| Powerful Pat McGee. | ||
| The guy from Pat McGee Special Effects, he makes them. | ||
| You can order one, and you can order one. | ||
| Before you got married, your house would have at least seven of those in there. | ||
| Yeah, it would definitely have. | ||
| It's so different. | ||
| When you live with a chick, man, they start moving your shit around, putting pictures of your kids on the wall. | ||
| I used to have chimps up all over my house. | ||
| If you went over my house when I was a single man back in the day, I used to have pictures of chimps everywhere. | ||
| And sculptures, too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Weird sculptures. | ||
| Weird shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Literally, you'd walk around his whole entire house and there'd be a monkey or a chimp every five steps. | ||
| There'd be a different picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| One eating a tiger, one eating sex. | ||
| No, there's no chimps eating tigers, but I got them chasing after chickens. | ||
| For how long were you rocking that, though? | ||
| Oh, man, I've been obsessed with chimpanzees since I was a baby. | ||
| So even like teenager style, you were doing it? | ||
| Oh, yeah, I've always been obsessed with apes. | ||
| Obsessed with them. | ||
| I find them fucking fascinating. | ||
| My production company's name is Talking Monkey Incorporated. | ||
| That was in like 1988. And that was a line I stole from a movie with... | ||
| What the fuck was that dude's name? | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| Wait, you don't believe that. | ||
| Mark Harmon? | ||
| The thing that was his? | ||
| He had a funny movie, like a summertime movie. | ||
| Mark Harmon, okay. | ||
| It was like summer school or some shit like that. | ||
| He was like the teacher in summer school. | ||
| And he said to a guy, if you lose one more brain cell, you'd be a talking monkey. | ||
| And I remember that all of a sudden put in my head the idea of a talking monkey. | ||
| Like, how stupid would a person have to be? | ||
| If we really did evolve, how far back would we have to go until we became a talking monkey? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| And so that became, I mean, that was my initial obsession, but that's why I named my company Talking Monkey Incorporated. | ||
| I can see how an obsession with monkeys develops. | ||
| They're so fascinating, man. | ||
| If they didn't exist, we would be tripping the fuck out. | ||
| If someone showed you, if there was no chimpanzees, and all of a sudden we found chimpanzees somewhere, we'd be like, holy shit, look at them, they're looking at you, they're thinking, oh my god, they're using tools, holy fuck, look at this, this is like a window back in time! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is like the fucking sensory deprivation tank in altered states! | |
| We can see our past. | ||
| I mean, you literally can see your past. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, somehow or another. | ||
| I don't understand evolution scientifically. | ||
| Behaviorally. | ||
| When I talk like this, people said, well, you really don't understand how evolution works. | ||
| Okay, I appreciate that, but I think you can reasonably extrapolate that if people exist, and then there was some early people. | ||
| There was like, you know, homo whatever. | ||
| There was like a bunch of different homos. | ||
| Yeah, lots of homos, yeah. | ||
| Homo Australopithecus. | ||
| There was that one too. | ||
| Our direct ancestors that they believe. | ||
| It's like, somehow or another, we had to be more primitive. | ||
| It wasn't like we just started out close to a human. | ||
| There were some steps along the way, you fuck. | ||
| And I think it's not unreasonable to look at chimpanzees and say, even though that's not our step along the way, it's from a different branch of the same tree, the same primate tree, I think you can reasonably extrapolate that there's something very similar to the way they are that we probably were, you know, at least we can put it together. | ||
| Them and orangutans and bonobos, we can mix them all together and try to figure out what the fuck we were like. | ||
| There's different models that have to come along before humans. | ||
| Fuck yeah, there has to be. | ||
| There's a C class, and there's an E class, and then there's an S class, you know? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Fuck commercials for this podcast. | ||
| I don't feel like doing any commercials. | ||
| This is like a podcast that came out of nowhere. | ||
| We didn't even see this coming, Tommy Buns. | ||
| We put it together last minute. | ||
| So, no commercials. | ||
| Suck it. | ||
| Suck it, please. | ||
| Move on. | ||
| And let's just get going. | ||
| Brian Redman working the mic, rocking the discs, turning the tables. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Buns. | ||
| Now this podcast may be the first podcast that Sirius ever plays where you get the full podcast. | ||
| Oh, Sirius? | ||
| They don't have to edit it because we don't have a commercial in it. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| So what people don't know is that I'm financially irresponsible and... | ||
| I'm not that good at advertising shit. | ||
| And a lot of times when we do our podcast, the advertisements may take as long as 20 minutes. | ||
| Because somewhere in the advertisements, you know, Brian Callum might bring up some crazy fucking book that he read, and all of a sudden we're on this wild journey, or Duncan Trussell blows your mind with a certain thought in the middle of a commercial talking about something, and now you're off on a tangent. | ||
| But a lot of that shit never makes it to Sirius Satellite Radio. | ||
| I even think, isn't the show only like an hour long too? | ||
| Like they just edit it down to an hour or something? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it's awesome that they put us on there. | ||
| I'm happy to be on there because it's Opie and Anthony who are my friends. | ||
| It's a good group of humans. | ||
| They're good guys. | ||
| Jim Norton's a great guy. | ||
| I love being associated with those guys. | ||
| Those guys, I'm down for them. | ||
| Everybody seems like a good crew, man. | ||
| They're great guys, man. | ||
| Anthony's a beautiful human being. | ||
| Opie is a fucking awesome guy. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| Jim Norton is one of my favorite humans ever. | ||
| So it's like all of them together. | ||
| We have some great conversations. | ||
| They're not dumb guys by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| Even though I disagree with some of them ideologically. | ||
| Sometimes I disagree with Anthony. | ||
| He's real strong, right-wing, Republican. | ||
| But he's also, I believe in a lot of things that he believes in. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that I believe in, especially the gun control issue. | ||
| You know, I mean, he's a bit extreme, you know? | ||
| He's a crazy gun nut, and he has guns all over the place. | ||
| He loves guns, huh? | ||
| That's all I see. | ||
| I honestly believe that when you see these shooting victims and all these different things, this is not a gun issue. | ||
| It's a mental health issue. | ||
| It's the ability to do that that should be so alien from our society. | ||
| And I liken it to a group of close friends, okay? | ||
| And this is obviously an exaggeration. | ||
| It's really hard to do when you're talking about a giant society of people that are never going to get to meet each other. | ||
| But, in a group of close friends, like us, the people in this room, okay? | ||
| Let's pretend that we were all on a deserted island. | ||
| What are the odds that one of us would become a suicide bomber? | ||
| Okay, pretty fucking small, right? | ||
| Pretty fucking small. | ||
| How does someone become a suicide bomber? | ||
| How does someone become a guy who could drop a bomb off at a marathon finishing line? | ||
| How does someone do that? | ||
| What the fuck happens to that guy that lets you do that? | ||
| Because the reality is that there's a lot of shit that can kill people in this world, including cars. | ||
| And everyone has cars. | ||
| And if you wanted to kill far more people than this guy did at the marathon, you could run over people in your car. | ||
| The reason he did it this way is because he wanted to not be accountable for it. | ||
| He thought he could get away with it. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| If this is the, you know, if you buy the official story, Alex Jones, if you buy the official story, ladies and gentlemen! | ||
| But if you, you know, you look at this guy, like who they're claiming this guy is that was the older brother, they think he might have committed three murders as well. | ||
| Three murders outside of this? | ||
| Yeah, and one night, three people were murdered, and one of them was a close friend and training partner of this guy. | ||
| And the bodies, cash was left there, and the bodies were covered with marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, and this guy was very religious, apparently, and he had become more and more religious in the past few years. | ||
| Now again... | ||
| Settle down, tinfoil people. | ||
| This is if you buy the official story. | ||
| I don't know who the fuck this dude was. | ||
| I'm just reading what I'm getting out of. | ||
| Essentially, almost all news sources seem to be agreeing with these stories. | ||
| That this guy was super religious. | ||
| Well, he got kind of radicalized a couple years ago. | ||
| He went back to Russia for six months. | ||
| And they say that's when he came back and radicalized. | ||
| Again, that's the official story. | ||
| Alex Jones will tell you, this is a false flag event, Tommy. | ||
| What they're doing, they're trying to take away your guns. | ||
| Well, supposedly he listened to Alex Jones. | ||
| He was a fan of InfoWars. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| Well, maybe he was a fan of InfoWars the way I'm a fan of Sean Hannity. | ||
| Like, oh, listen, just because it's fucking hilarity. | ||
| It's funny to watch people twist the narrative like that. | ||
| It's funny to watch people that are just so blatantly right-wing that they'll just never admit Ever that anyone on the left has any idea. | ||
| Any even compliment is said with a smirk that's soon to follow some disparaging remark about who they are. | ||
| It's never like, Obama's a brilliant man. | ||
| Even if it's an idea that they were behind, there's still a spin on it. | ||
| It's a fucking game. | ||
| They're in a team, and they strategize to get that team to win. | ||
| And they do it within the rules, but they know they're full of shit. | ||
| Like, as they're doing it, you can hear their voice. | ||
| They know they're full of shit. | ||
| But the game is so screwy. | ||
| It's one of those games that doesn't make any sense, like baseball. | ||
| Why the fuck do they dress like that? | ||
| Look how you're dressed. | ||
| Look at those stupid fucking tights. | ||
| And what is that outfit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| You don't like those socks? | ||
| They've always dressed like that, goddammit. | ||
| They're stuck. | ||
| They're stuck with a stupid outfit back from when people didn't have newspapers. | ||
| That's when they made that dumbass outfit. | ||
| That outfit's retarded. | ||
| It is a retarded outfit. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's stupid as fuck. | ||
| It puts me in tears to watch that game. | ||
| Well, it's a fun game to play. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| But getting stuck in that old shit like that, that's the only reason why politicians are able to get away with the way they communicate today. | ||
| I can't imagine being a person who is into politics, like really into it, and not be cynical and not be... | ||
| It's so disheartening to follow politics. | ||
| To me, it just... | ||
| It absolutely kills the soul. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I recognize it as I become an older man. | ||
| I recognize it for what it is. | ||
| It's an act. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you know why? | ||
| I know because I do an act, too. | ||
| I know what an act is like. | ||
| I know when I'm doing stand-up. | ||
| When I have stand-up, I'm going to, you know, if I want to do my best. | ||
| What I do is I ad-lib quite a bit, but I also have some key components that I have broken down into pretty specific ways of saying it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because that's the best way. | ||
| It has the most response. | ||
| But I'm trying to tell jokes. | ||
| When you hear a person give a speech and they have that weird sort of artificial quality to the way they're talking, we should reject that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I completely agree with you. | ||
| We shouldn't let them do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should be like, just talk like a normal person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing about the budget? | ||
| The budget is an important priority of this administration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's something we think about every day. | |
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| Yeah, what are you saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If your guy was talking to you like that, you'd be like, stop! | |
| Stop, asshole! | ||
| You know who else does that exact speech, too? | ||
| That type of language comes from the corporate world. | ||
| If you talk to a guy and you're like, I had a bad experience at your offices, he'd be like... | ||
| You know, every time a customer comes into one of our establishments, we want them to have opportunity. | ||
| We want them to have choices. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| That's corporate. | ||
| That's not how humans can stop. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You can hear the training video. | ||
| You get that sometimes when you go, now when they go, do you want to sign up for the special extra warranty? | ||
| You go, I don't know. | ||
| They go, well, you know, when I had my computer a couple years ago, I knocked a bottle of Coke over. | ||
| I love Coke. | ||
| And it left a thing, and because of the warranty, they took care of it. | ||
| You're like, that's a training speech. | ||
| They tell you to make a personal story up. | ||
| And you're like, I know you're saying that to me right now. | ||
| It's so corny and fake. | ||
| That didn't happen to you. | ||
| You know that feeling when someone's lying to you, that when you're looking at them and they're just straight bullshitting you, and they won't even look you in the eye, they're looking down, looking around, and panicking as they bullshit you. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| The worst is if you know somebody that can do, when you know they're lying and they're not panicking, you're like, oh, you're a crazy person. | ||
| You're a fucking sociopath, man. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird moment when you're talking to a guy and you're like, I'm not sure what realm you're playing this game in. | ||
| I'm not wearing a hat right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I'm not wearing a hat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, see it on your head. | |
| I'm not wearing one, man. | ||
| Especially if they get stuck in a bad situation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They get stuck in where they did something douchey. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You're like, wow. | ||
| Crazy people are so strange. | ||
| It's so weird to run into someone who just doesn't see things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is, man. | |
| Like, you see the world, and they see a gigantic galactic conspiracy. | ||
| Did I ever tell you about this comedian, whoever may name us, who came up to me and just started showing me pictures on his iPhones? | ||
| He's like, look at this. | ||
| And I'm looking at it. | ||
| It's pictures of clouds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I'm like, I'm thinking, okay, it's beautiful clouds. | ||
| He goes, look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| And we just keep doing this. | ||
| He shows me like 10 of these. | ||
| And he's an older guy, so I'm trying to be considerate. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, yeah, wow, pretty cool. | ||
| And he goes, you know, I've been seeing them for years. | ||
| I go, what are they? | ||
| He goes, they're alien craft. | ||
| He goes, these are UFOs. | ||
| They've been coming in various forms. | ||
| I see them. | ||
| I've been taking pictures of them. | ||
| It's incredible that You know, no one's paying attention to this. | ||
| This is a very strange thing. | ||
| And I'm like, am I in a sketch? | ||
| I'm like, is he fucking with me? | ||
| Because, you know, he's kind of a silly guy. | ||
| I'm like, if he's fucking with me, this would be kind of... | ||
| And then I realized, oh, oh, wait a minute. | ||
| I'm dealing with someone who's got a screw loose. | ||
| There's a screw. | ||
| It's not where it's supposed to be. | ||
| He's not 100% crazy. | ||
| Like, he's very functional for the most part. | ||
| I enjoy talking to him. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| But when it gets to... | ||
| He'll pull out his fucking iPhone. | ||
| You gotta run. | ||
| You gotta get out of there. | ||
| Because you're gonna be looking at pictures of clouds. | ||
| And he's gonna tell you about spacecrafts that have been contacting him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| But other than that, he's normal. | ||
| Do you like cheeseburgers? | ||
| I like cheeseburgers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You wanna get fries? | ||
| Yeah, can you pass me a salt, please? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| So what's going on, man? | ||
| How's the road treating you? | ||
| Like, you have a conversation with a guy. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| I know a guy like that, and you think he's just being kind of a storyteller. | ||
| He starts telling stories, and you're like, there's a lot of exaggerations in these stories. | ||
| And then you're like, you know, he kind of rambles on and on. | ||
| And then he switches topics real fast to a whole new story. | ||
| But it's about something like, he's like, you know, I got shot six times. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| So I was over. | ||
| I was in South Carolina. | ||
| I was going past Columbia. | ||
| And it's a new story that starts. | ||
| And you're like, yeah. | ||
| And then this guy held me. | ||
| And then we were up in the trees. | ||
| And then this guy pulled out a 9mm. | ||
| And he has everything. | ||
| And you're like, I thought we were talking about fishing or something. | ||
| And then he goes back to when I took a hot air balloon. | ||
| I bought a hot air balloon company. | ||
| A number of years ago, and I took this money that I got from this investment in mines, and I bought this company that takes hot air balloons up in the air. | ||
| It cost me like a quarter million to get the startup going. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| You make $10 an hour. | ||
| What are you talking about right now, man? | ||
| It's just story after story. | ||
| And then I start kind of like, I don't know what to believe, and then part of it's fun to believe. | ||
| And I start to think for a second, I'll stop and be like, are you an improvisational genius? | ||
| Are you like a brilliant improv guy right now? | ||
| Is that what's going on? | ||
| Am I getting played or something? | ||
| You're getting punked. | ||
| Yeah, but then there's something you see in the eyes where you're like, oh, I really think there's... | ||
| Maybe I'm talking to somebody who has a form of mental illness, and it's not the type that makes you go like, I don't know like maybe more scare or maybe like sillier like it's not he has all the intelligence and you can talk about like what should we eat now and you have a normal conversation about that and then it goes off into like 10 different storylines. | ||
| It's almost like it's not his fault. | ||
| Yeah, it's not. | ||
| It's not at that point. | ||
| I don't know how your brain works, man. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I'm guessing. | ||
| I always guess. | ||
| When people act like, why the fuck did you do that? | ||
| I have to stop myself sometimes and go, I don't know how his brain works. | ||
| My brain would process the same scenario in a different way, but maybe his brain would handle some shit that I can't handle very well. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how you think. | ||
| But I know when I see someone who's just not... | ||
| We're not... | ||
| There's a missing connection there. | ||
| Like, I feel like this guy's like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's missing a whole piece. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| Sometimes you can see it from the moment, right? | ||
| Like, there's some people who... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| At the moment, you're like... | ||
| But it's scarier when you have long, normal conversations before that, and then you're like, what? | ||
| Has this been there the whole time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've talked to people, and then 20 minutes into the conversation, you realize they're crazy. | ||
| Some people, it takes a little while. | ||
| Some people, it's like right away. | ||
| Those are the dangerous crazy. | ||
| Dangerous crazy have like sparks to them. | ||
| You just want to back away from them. | ||
| Dangerous crazy, they give off an odor. | ||
| You can't be dangerous crazy unless there's like a certain amount of danger to your odor. | ||
| You just feel weird. | ||
| You feel weird to be around. | ||
| Every dangerous dude I've ever known has this like intangible odor about them. | ||
| You know, you're just like, okay, let's get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You know, those dudes. | ||
| Smells like the cunt farm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's not dangerous. | ||
| Those are just silly people for the most part. | ||
| It's just fucked up. | ||
| I feel like that almost with super negative people, like people that it's not good for you to be around, you pick up on additional vibes from them. | ||
| Like just being around them. | ||
| Yeah, you don't know what it is, right? | ||
| It's not a smell. | ||
| It's not like they give off heat. | ||
| But if they leave, like, if you're just meeting them and they leave the room, and like, let's say you just brought somebody in, right when they leave, you're like, something's off with that guy. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's usually their eyes for me, because I always look people in the eyes for like a second. | ||
| You can see like the worriness or the friendliness. | ||
| Sometimes, yeah. | ||
| Or sometimes they just smell crazy. | ||
| I remember Brian Cowan had this chick once, and he brought her over. | ||
| And I mean, and I'm not bullshitting, within... | ||
| Three seconds of meeting her, I knew she was nuts. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he brought her over and they introduced, you know, hey, this is Joe. | ||
| Joe, this is whatever her name was. | ||
| And I go, hi, nice to meet you. | ||
| She goes, hi. | ||
| And I go, come here for a second. | ||
| I go, that girl's fucking crazy. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| He goes, what are you talking about? | ||
| I go, dude, that girl is fucking crazy. | ||
| I go, trust me, you got to get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That fast, you knew? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That fast! | |
| I locked eyes with her, and it wasn't a nervousness. | ||
| People get nervous if they see people that have been on television sometimes. | ||
| But that goes away pretty quick once you start talking. | ||
| Usually they're weirded out, but you can see what the weirded out was. | ||
| This was like a crazy person. | ||
| I was like, what are you doing, Callan? | ||
| She wasn't bad looking. | ||
| She was a very attractive young lady. | ||
| But unfortunately, there was something wrong with her mind. | ||
| Years later, Brian was going into a bar, and he ran into her, and she was a streetwalker. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| A couple years later? | ||
| Yeah, it turned out she was cranked out on meth, and while he was with her, she was doing meth. | ||
| It took him a while to figure it out. | ||
| Like, exactly what the fuck was wrong with her, and he tried to fix her. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He was doing that? | ||
| And then he gave up on that, and then, you know, he runs into her, and he's going to a bar, and she's a streetwalker. | ||
| He probably cut out the part where he slept with her again. | ||
| Just one last time. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| You know he did. | ||
| Just one last time. | ||
| I had 20 bucks on me. | ||
| How recent are these scabs? | ||
| When's your last checkup? | ||
| I don't want to use a condom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, baby. | |
| Not you. | ||
| Not you. | ||
| You're special to me. | ||
| You always use condoms. | ||
| Don't lie to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time. | |
| Every time. | ||
| Yeah, she's a hooker, but she always uses condoms. | ||
| Don't worry, man. | ||
| She's a good girl, man. | ||
| Yeah, he said it was really super depressing. | ||
| But I smelled her. | ||
| I don't know what to describe it. | ||
| I mean, it would suck if I was wrong. | ||
| She was like the nicest person ever. | ||
| But I wasn't wrong. | ||
| That's exactly what I was warning him about. | ||
| Danger has a smell. | ||
| Danger has a smell. | ||
| It's a something. | ||
| It's a victorious... | ||
| Burt Kreischer and Joey Diaz, ladies and gentlemen, they are actually doing a podcast, a live podcast, which is the perfect spot for it right next door at the Ice House, and they're doing that at 8.30. | ||
| And is that going to be on Ustream or anything like that, or just on iTunes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just on iTunes, bitches. | ||
| Do you smell that? | ||
| You don't have to see it. | ||
| It smells crazy in here right now. | ||
| Yeah, it smells like... | ||
| Bert, did you... | ||
| What's that Victoria's Secrets perfume that all the strippers wear? | ||
| That's what I think crazy smells like. | ||
| Happy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bert doesn't wear cologne. | ||
| Is that what you're trying to say? | ||
| I saw a friend of mine's tweet the other day, like, oh, I gotta go shopping for cologne. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, no you don't. | ||
| No, you don't ever. | ||
| Watch out for puppies on the floor. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Is that your stripper dog? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Powerful Bird Kreischer. | ||
| You're just like those porn stars who just mind about their dogs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Powerful Bird Kreischer. | |
| Powerful Joey T. George St. Pierre podcast was fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it was cool. | ||
| I wish he could have stayed longer than an hour. | ||
| You know, I mean, that's a long time for most people. | ||
| But he was super cool to talk to. | ||
| Really nice guy. | ||
| So what's the rap? | ||
| Is my mic on? | ||
| Yeah, it's on. | ||
| Does he really think he got abducted by aliens? | ||
| Yeah, he really thinks he got abducted by aliens. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| Yeah, he thinks that it's possible that ever since he was a little boy, like he's been missing time, he misses time sometimes, and he thinks it's possible that they take him. | ||
| And he doesn't want to let that shit out. | ||
| He doesn't want to talk about it too much. | ||
| Because fucking Nick Diaz would get a hold of that fucking tariff. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| He fights like a fucking alien. | ||
| Joe, did you read what it could be? | ||
| Somebody on your message board put a Wikipedia page where it said it could be five or six different things. | ||
| One thing, when we were talking about driving on the highway, that's actually a condition, like highway hypnotism. | ||
| Where you just get hypnotized by the highway, the constant motion. | ||
| Then it also said that some people say it's aliens, but I think you should just do the GoPro thing. | ||
| Just record yourself. | ||
| I tell you, what I saw in my eyeballs was not what was on this GoPro. | ||
| I tell you, I saw UFO, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not fucking lying. | |
| UFO, come down, man, and take me to another planet. | ||
| Fucking lying to you. | ||
| That's my best George St. Pierre. | ||
| It was pretty good at first. | ||
| Do you just roll with him when he says... | ||
| Are you like, that's cool, man? | ||
| Well, I don't know what the fuck's going on with him. | ||
| That might be true. | ||
| Imagine if it was true and I was mocking him. | ||
| You gotta deal with him and the aliens, man. | ||
| He had a really good point, man. | ||
| And it's a point I've heard before, but it's still a really good point. | ||
| He's like, imagine if you were a fish and you were in the ocean and you were living your life and all of a sudden... | ||
| A man come in with a hook and he pull you out of the water and you come back to tell your friend, like, look, I saw a person and there was a plane in the sky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'd be like, get the fuck out of here, you're crazy. | |
| That was a really good point, too. | ||
| I was on the plane laughing hysterically. | ||
| Yeah, it's a very good point. | ||
| It's a very good point. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Because, look, the fact that we exist at all is insane. | ||
| People with cell phones, driving around in their cars, talking to another dude. | ||
| I do that all the time in my car. | ||
| I was talking to my friend Tommy. | ||
| He lives in Connecticut. | ||
| We're talking while I'm driving around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And in real time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And just taking it for granted. | ||
| Just completely taking it for granted. | ||
| We're crazy! | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pulling fish out of the ocean with giant nets and shit. | |
| And throwing all our shit water in there. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Just dumping all our pollutants. | ||
| Apex predators. | ||
| We don't give a fuck. | ||
| We're gangster. | ||
| If there's water near us, it's no good. | ||
| Water in New York, there's no good water. | ||
| You can't drink any of that. | ||
| You can't grow fish in any of that. | ||
| All that water's polluted. | ||
| We're like, yeah, you know, it's the Hudson. | ||
| It's the way it is. | ||
| It's just the way it is. | ||
| These fucking animals just throwing glass and shit and piss and tampons and rubbers. | ||
| And bodies. | ||
| Bodies. | ||
| Fucking dead goldfish. | ||
| People from New York come over to the Jersey side on Sundays. | ||
| It's like a big day for them. | ||
| Like we're going to Jersey on fucking Sunday. | ||
| And they go over and they fish and they catch eel and they'll grill them. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's just an eel. | ||
| It's got meat on it. | ||
| Trust me, I eat an eel from the fucking Hudson. | ||
| That's why I ain't scared of nothing. | ||
| Cancer, they can suck my dick. | ||
| I eat an eel from the fucking Hudson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you kidding me? | |
| I remember we were in Jersey one time and me and Joe were on a bus headed to the UFC event and I showed him this pond and I said, look at cancer. | ||
| It was late cancer. | ||
| It was cancer. | ||
| This pond hadn't moved. | ||
| It had no movement. | ||
| It had a layer of this green algae, which really wasn't green. | ||
| That's just cancer, bro. | ||
| New Jersey, they've been dumping shit since the 70s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Since the 60s, bro. | ||
| That's never going to be... | ||
| What's that word? | ||
| Reconcilable? | ||
| Reconcilable. | ||
| No, the other word, when you can't reverse it. | ||
| Irreconcilable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can never reverse those things. | |
| That soil in New Jersey's gone. | ||
| We all took a shot of that girl. | ||
| That soil in New Jersey's gone. | ||
| You know, I remember when they built the Meadowlands. | ||
| I remember how many animals all of a sudden I had in my living room. | ||
| Because they tore all that down, that wildlife. | ||
| And next thing you know, I was seeing, I remember one night seeing a possum the size of a small pit bull that jumped on a fucking tree. | ||
| He jumped on a fucking tree. | ||
| He saw me. | ||
| He was like a possum, you know, like in Jersey. | ||
| They walk like a fucking ape, those things. | ||
| When you call the police in Jersey, I got a possum here, they shoot the fucking thing. | ||
| They shoot the fucking thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does that tell you? | |
| They don't shoot snakes. | ||
| They shoot the fucking possum. | ||
| Because they play dead. | ||
| And then when the cops leave, they fucking get up. | ||
| And they brush them. | ||
| You could run over a fucking car with them. | ||
| I would run over with bicycles and throw rocks at them. | ||
| They brush themselves off. | ||
| What a weird behavioral trait. | ||
| They play dead. | ||
| They fucking play dead. | ||
| That's where playing possum comes from. | ||
| Oh, I seen a fucking possum that looked at me one night at like 4 in the morning. | ||
| I looked at him. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And he jumped on a tree and went... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He held onto the tree like a fucking ape in Africa. | |
| And I was like, this is fucking mind-boggling. | ||
| I saw skunks that looked like fucking... | ||
| Like monsters. | ||
| You know, Meadowland... | ||
| What do you think those skunks... | ||
| Didn't they just... | ||
| We had this discussion on your show a year and a half ago about the Bronx. | ||
| They found a rat that was... | ||
| Just amazing. | ||
| Like it broke all records, the length of it, like two and a half feet. | ||
| Yeah, it was a type of, I think it's called a Zambian something rat. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| It's not from America. | ||
| It's a pet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, how about... | |
| And they've let, so many people have let these things go. | ||
| And like how Florida has the python problem, they have this rat problem. | ||
| It's an invasive species. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| We let go of one of those pythons in college. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah, we're part of that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You went to school in Florida too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Scariest fucking day of my life. | ||
| We're moving out of that apartment and I'm, you know, how you move out and you've got clothes everywhere and I'm just digging my hands in and my buddy comes in the room and he goes, oh, keep a lookout for my python! | ||
| No way. | ||
| And you're like, that's right. | ||
| We lost it in the middle of the year. | ||
| And it just was in our house. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| What do you mean we lost it? | ||
| Okay, we got broken into by these dudes. | ||
| And we had dogs. | ||
| Me and my buddy Hartley had dogs. | ||
| My buddy Cheese had a python. | ||
| He put both his dogs... | ||
| Cheese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheese. | |
| Cheese, we used to fucking torture this dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Fucking greased up his brakes and went mountain biking one time. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But we forgot about it. | ||
| We greased his brakes up and he didn't go. | ||
| And then two weeks later we go and we forgot we had greased him. | ||
| She's died, man. | ||
| So, yeah, these guys broke into our house, and she put our dogs in our rooms, and they broke into the house, and they let the fucking snake out. | ||
| They fucking broke into the house, stole all her shit, and let her snake out. | ||
| So you're not totally responsible for it. | ||
| Somebody else let the snake out. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Diaz, did you ever see a banana rat? | ||
| Wait a minute, how do you know they didn't just steal a snake? | ||
| Because she's like, I don't know if it's been in there or not. | ||
| The fucking lid was open. | ||
| They looked for it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It probably ain't a loss. | ||
| What kind of assholes are allowed to buy snakes? | ||
| Any asshole like this. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Irresponsible. | ||
| Iquanas. | ||
| Savannah monitors. | ||
| I was into reptiles big time. | ||
| You got a pit bull. | ||
| I think that they should give. | ||
| You buy a pit bull, you need to take a GED. That's a prerequisite for it. | ||
| They're everywhere now. | ||
| They should definitely make you answer questions. | ||
| I've had them, and they're dangerous animals. | ||
| I'll go a step further and say I don't think single women in their 30s should be allowed to adopt dogs. | ||
| Why do you say that? | ||
| Because they have fucked up their life. | ||
| Now let's stop it there. | ||
| Let's cut it off there and not let them fuck up a dog too. | ||
| Have you ever seen a... | ||
| Look, I'm taking a stretch, and I know I'm saying something horrible. | ||
| Single women in their 30s? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like mid-30s, like 35, when they go, that's it, I'm comfortable with being single, now I'm going to get a rescue dog. | ||
| And then you go hiking, and that dog goes after your kids, because they don't... | ||
| Are you sure that they're really comfortable with being single? | ||
| It's probably hard to find a good dude, man. | ||
| Yeah, but have you never had those women that get the big dogs, and they're like, it's a rescue dog, this is my new project. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they want some love. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And then they don't fucking discipline it, and they just let it go fucking bananas. | ||
| There's definitely people like that. | ||
| And you've got a psycho fucking dog. | ||
| And there's also, dogs get really protective of their owners, and if they sense that their owner might not be very dominant, maybe it doesn't have deep voice or something like that, the dog might be extra protective. | ||
| Was your pit bull dangerous? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had pit bull encounters where one dog killed one of my other dogs. | ||
| What? | ||
| I came home in the middle of my living room. | ||
| One of my females killed my other female. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Yeah, you can't have two female dogs together. | ||
| Female dogs, apparently, will always fight over dominance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Whereas a male and a female, they accept, like, who's the boss. | ||
| Usually the male just lets the female, like, thap! | ||
| Jesus, leave me alone. | ||
| And, like, female snapper jaws, and the male, like, sort of gives up. | ||
| But the females never give up. | ||
| They never give up the position. | ||
| They'll fight to the death. | ||
| They fight and then they give up and they figure out who wins and who loses. | ||
| But then the one who lost wants to go about it again. | ||
| And they did it a couple of times. | ||
| And I thought I had gotten them over it. | ||
| I separated them and I did all sorts of different things. | ||
| And then I started letting them be together again because I thought they had gotten over it. | ||
| Because I felt like maybe it was just some... | ||
| It's so normal for that breed to get into fights. | ||
| They're beautiful dogs with humans. | ||
| They're beautiful dogs with humans. | ||
| But with animals, they have this incredible kill drive. | ||
| It's like nothing I've ever seen. | ||
| My dog killed two cats. | ||
| He killed squirrels. | ||
| He killed anything dumb enough to get in his yard. | ||
| And he would kill lizards all day. | ||
| Like, we had these lizards that would run around. | ||
| And that was his video game. | ||
| He would just run around with his paws on the wall trying to get these lizards. | ||
| Just running around the perimeter of my house trying to get lizards. | ||
| And in hindsight, I look back and I'm like, what a crazy animal to have. | ||
| You've got a monster. | ||
| You've got a monster that loves to attack things. | ||
| But he was a very particular type of dog. | ||
| He was a hog dog. | ||
| From the Argentinian Mastiff. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He was a pit bull. | ||
| Yeah, like the ones in Hawaii. | ||
| Well, he was from Hawaii. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was from Hawaii. | ||
| And they breed them to be super animal aggressive. | ||
| Because they're breeding them for hog hunting. | ||
| And so they have longer ears. | ||
| And the ears pick up more of a scent. | ||
| And they're larger dogs. | ||
| He was crazy. | ||
| He was a beautiful dog, though. | ||
| He was awesome with people. | ||
| With people, he was the greatest thing ever. | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| He was just an amazing buddy. | ||
| He was, like, super smart. | ||
| He always wanted to hang with you. | ||
| He always would be down to wrestle. | ||
| Like, I never felt in danger. | ||
| I used to do jiu-jitsu with him. | ||
| I'd take his back. | ||
| You know, I'd go, time to put the choker! | ||
| And he'd be like... | ||
| He would kiss me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love you too. | |
| I would be choking him and he would kiss me. | ||
| He was a sweet, sweet, sweet dog with people. | ||
| But with animals. | ||
| So another dog came by? | ||
| He was not to be trusted. | ||
| It was the craziest thing. | ||
| It didn't have anything to do with socializing. | ||
| I socialized him with other dogs. | ||
| Right away he started fighting with other dogs. | ||
| One time he was a baby. | ||
| People yelled at me at a dog park when he was a baby. | ||
| He was like four months old. | ||
| He was trying to bite other dogs. | ||
| He was just gangster, like from the womb. | ||
| And I was a fool to try to control this animal as a pet. | ||
| You know, like my dog now, the big one, Johnny, he's the sweetest dog ever. | ||
| He's a sweetie. | ||
| Like my other dog that's a much smaller dog, the Shibu Inu Bulldog Mix, that dog tells him what's up. | ||
| And Johnny goes, alright, alright. | ||
| He's just like, relax, relax. | ||
| He just lets it all go by, you know. | ||
| So you think they're born with it, though? | ||
| Just like people? | ||
| It's how they're bred. | ||
| It's how they're bred. | ||
| Yeah, they encourage a certain type of animal aggression. | ||
| Aggression towards animals. | ||
| They encourage it. | ||
| They encourage fighting. | ||
| And it's been that way for thousands of years. | ||
| And the cruel aspect of the dog fighting, though, is what makes amazing dogs. | ||
| Because the ones that survived through that horrible ordeal, the genetics that were passed on, because the dogs that quit and the dogs that cowed and backed away from a fight were killed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They were all killed. | ||
| That sounds horrible to us because we love our dogs. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But they weren't looking at dogs like that. | ||
| They were looking at dogs as a way to make money. | ||
| And the way to make money... | ||
| I mean, you're talking about like this probably went on... | ||
| From maybe the turn of the century on. | ||
| I mean, it's probably something that's been going on even before that, if you could really get into the history of it. | ||
| But they bred dogs specifically for fighting. | ||
| They bred them specifically for that. | ||
| They had them on chains. | ||
| There's a dude that I know that was a famous pool player. | ||
| He used to keep 35 pit bulls. | ||
| He was this pro pool player. | ||
| 35 pit bulls at his house. | ||
| They weren't his pets. | ||
| They were fighting dogs. | ||
| Crazy, man. | ||
| Yeah, craziness, man. | ||
| I think Big Boy from OutKast used to do that. | ||
| Dude, that's a big part of the culture for a lot of those guys. | ||
| He bred those dogs. | ||
| And he bred the bully ones that are stocky. | ||
| He bred those? | ||
| Oh, you never went to his website and looked at them? | ||
| They're expensive. | ||
| Do you know Big Boy's website well? | ||
| In the world of fighting dogs, this is where it gets really squirrely, because it's not like I'm trying to glorify this world and give it morals or anything like that, but the reality is in the fighting dog world, you're not supposed to sell the puppies. | ||
| They're called puppy peddlers, and they're looked down upon. | ||
| You're only supposed to let your dog breed with really respectable breeds, so you're going to make some crazy killer dog. | ||
| And men will loan out their dog, and you see the lineage written down, like Rough Riders, Bronco, and Saddle Stables, Sheila E. And that's the dog's precedence, and they all know the championship bloodlines. | ||
| It's totally illegal to have dogfighting, but the shit has been documented very thoroughly. | ||
| It's the same thing with chicken fighting. | ||
| They have champion chickens. | ||
| I know a dude who raises chickens, and he fights them. | ||
| There's this old Mexican dude. | ||
| He's cool as fuck. | ||
| But that's his culture, man. | ||
| He grew up fighting chickens. | ||
| And this guy knows championship bloodlines, and they breed the right chickens with the right hens. | ||
| It's been a part of human history forever, but it's like in the shadows, in the darkness of our world. | ||
| And we don't want to admit that in 2000 and whatever it was, 9 or whenever when he got busted. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
2009? | |
| Yeah, we never want to think that a guy who's capable of such great heights as being like this massively successful football player could also be capable of such an insane cruelty. | ||
| It's so insane. | ||
| I gotta tell you, I love dogs. | ||
| Like, I mean, you know, you guys all did me huge solid doing the fundraiser for the dog last week, and I love dogs. | ||
| But I also have a problem with people who don't let somebody like him serve his time and then get another shot. | ||
| Like, earning a living again. | ||
| Because a lot of people, rightfully, were critical of what he did. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, you know, he lost his name. | ||
| He lost hundreds of millions of dollars. | ||
| Probably, right? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| His contract was about the biggest at the time. | ||
| He had crazy endorsements. | ||
| He went to prison, which is what... | ||
| The punishment was he did it. | ||
| He went to prison. | ||
| Yeah, he did his time. | ||
| And then a lot of people were really upset that he even has a chance to... | ||
| Make a living. | ||
| Right, but it's like he paid the... | ||
| Well, how undeniable is his fucking talent? | ||
| The NFL's like, you know what? | ||
| Come on back. | ||
| Come on back. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because if they don't do it, someone else is going to do it. | ||
| Someone's going to grab that guy. | ||
| It really wouldn't be any other way to play football. | ||
| I mean, that's kind of a... | ||
| I mean, there's the NFL and basically that's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| The B League is not really a league in football. | ||
| Black football, what is it? | ||
| Stadium. | ||
| Arena. | ||
| There's arena. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I played that for a day. | |
| Those dudes. | ||
| I don't know if they drugged us. | ||
| I mean, it's just fucking brutal. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| It's like being in the yard. | ||
| Canadian football has some good athletes, for sure. | ||
| Good players. | ||
| But NFL is definitely the top of the line. | ||
| And he was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Didn't Doug Flutie go to Canada first and play up there for a while before he came down to America? | ||
| He was the hero. | ||
| When I was in high school, Doug Flutie was like, I think I was in high school and he was in college. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was the hero. | |
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then there was the USFL. He was very famous in Boston. | |
| He was, right? | ||
| Yeah, Flutie was super famous. | ||
| Have you seen the 30 for 30 who killed the USFL? Yes. | ||
| Fucking great. | ||
| Donald Trump ruined that shit. | ||
| Just ruined it. | ||
| He did. | ||
| All those are amazing. | ||
| That's the best programming ESPN or basically any cable network. | ||
| 30 for 30. 30 for 30 documentaries. | ||
| What are they? | ||
| Stories that'll fucking kill you. | ||
| The concept came up last year. | ||
| It was the 30th anniversary. | ||
| Billy Corbin did the first one. | ||
| That was about the U, right? | ||
| Billy Corbin. | ||
| He's the guy who did... | ||
| Cocaine Cowboy. | ||
| He also did Broke. | ||
| Yeah, Broke. | ||
| He did fucking Broke, which is amazing. | ||
| He's a cool fucking guy, too. | ||
| He came down to the Fort Lauderdale Improv and hung out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Cooking Cowboys is fucking amazing, too. | ||
| The U of M one, though. | ||
| The U? Yeah. | ||
| The U, when he shows all the fucking Michael Irvin and those guys in front of clubs, and he goes, the Miami Dolphins used to ask the college guys to get them into the clubs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how insane it was. | |
| If you watch the trailer to the U, you'll go like, fuck, this is the greatest thing. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I went to Florida State. | ||
| We hated them, and I fucking saw it. | ||
| I was like, yeah! | ||
| It was a bunch of black gangsters with a white coat that told them, go out and be black gangsters, motherfuckers. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| When does a white guy go? | ||
| The blacker the better. | ||
| The blacker the better. | ||
| I want you to bring it back. | ||
| I want high fives. | ||
| I want fucking chains out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
High fives! | |
| I want everything. | ||
| I want you to talk. | ||
| Fuck not celebrating. | ||
| I want everything. | ||
| I want you to fuck. | ||
| Fuckin' humiliate these motherfuckers! | ||
| And then the guy from Two Life Crew came on with his hoes. | ||
| He had a fuckin' VIP bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uncle Luke! | |
| And they would come out to sweep me at home. | ||
| Hit my dick, I'm hard. | ||
| And those bitches knew what time it was. | ||
| And that's all... | ||
| Listen, there's two things that drive black people to different levels. | ||
| That's when they hear Two Life Crew and when they go to Red Lobster. | ||
| Black people lose their minds at Red Lobster. | ||
| Fuck Popeyes on Tuesday. | ||
| You go to Sacramento Red Lobster on Friday at about 4.30 when they blow the whistle. | ||
| Beep, beep, beep, blow the whistle. | ||
| Them sisters, they weigh 300 with the heels. | ||
| What are you showing over there? | ||
| That's the trailer. | ||
| For what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's the documentary? | ||
| I don't know if that's the one for the U. Warren Sapp, he did Birth to Conquer with me. | ||
| Well, I gotta remember this and write this down. | ||
| Yeah, that motherfucker was giving out blood tests. | ||
| He was coming out positive and giving somebody else's. | ||
| This guy, they were smoking dope all the way to the NFL. Isn't it interesting that when you have football players and basketball players, they make rules on how they're allowed to celebrate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially like the football thing. | ||
| Like you're not allowed to dance after you score a touchdown. | ||
| It's 100% because of black people. | ||
| Yeah, and they're like, dude, you blacked it up plenty, so let's dial it back. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| This is a white man probably in Georgia, probably quite old, with a cigar, with a white suit. | ||
| It's not a coincidence. | ||
| I love when people in the UFC go, well, the greatest trash talk is Chael Southern. | ||
| Listen, stupid. | ||
| There was a guy named Dexter the Molester. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Dexter Manley? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| The defensive back. | ||
| The defensive back that used to fucking screw Glazy Glue all over himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, oh, oh, oh. | |
| I know who you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know who he is? | |
| You know who he is? | ||
| The guy who used to stick him. | ||
| For the readers. | ||
| And he had a stutter. | ||
| He had a stutter. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| He'd been brunt up with balls on his shoulder. | ||
| Because he'd been sprayed with Lester. | ||
| Lester and Molester would get in your ass, dog. | ||
| And just be up on you. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's a rule. | ||
| I gotta touch you five feet from the line of scrimmage. | ||
| He was banging you right from the line. | ||
| He come right up on your spitter. | ||
| What now? | ||
| What? | ||
| What was that guy's name, Tom? | ||
| Lester Hayes. | ||
| Lester Hayes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lester the Molester. | |
| Defensive backs. | ||
| Listen, Ronnie Lott. | ||
| Tell Joe Rogan about Ronnie Lott. | ||
| They told him he couldn't play in the game. | ||
| So they cut his finger off during the game. | ||
| Who the fuck gets his finger cut off during the game? | ||
| He had caught his finger... | ||
| On a helmet. | ||
| He was like a cannonball. | ||
| A cannonball. | ||
| He would just run and just total disregard for body. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And this is before good helmets. | ||
| And he would just annihilate people. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He was the assassin. | ||
| And he got his helmet caught. | ||
| His finger. | ||
| His finger caught in a helmet. | ||
| Pinky. | ||
| And they went to the locker room and they were like, all right, well, you know, we're going to need these. | ||
| You're going to have to put like five stitches or whatever, 20 stitches in your finger. | ||
| He was like, no, I want to go back out there. | ||
| And they were like, well, you'll... | ||
| We'd have to cut off your finger for you to go back out there. | ||
| He was like, do it. | ||
| Do it, though. | ||
| So just cut it off. | ||
| Half time! | ||
| Half time! | ||
| They could've fixed it? | ||
| They could've fixed it, but he wouldn't be able to play the rest of the game. | ||
| He could've played that day. | ||
| So he said, cut the fucking finger. | ||
| It was already halfway through the game. | ||
| It was like a playoff and shit. | ||
| How much of the finger? | ||
| Just like, so there's no, you don't see the nail. | ||
| Maybe that was an annoying part of his whole masturbation ritual, and he was secretly hoping to chew it away anyway. | ||
| I'll see you in 15 minutes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What am I coming in, Joey? | ||
| So right next door, you'll be able to get that on the Church of What's Happening Now, right? | ||
| Joey? | ||
| On iTunes, they'll be able to get yours with Bert, Church of What's Happening Now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's on iTunes. | ||
| I was drunk. | ||
| One of the greatest storytellers the world has ever known. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He called me when I was in New York and I was drunk. | ||
| I don't know what we're doing. | ||
| I didn't know if you were doing a stand-up show or a podcast. | ||
| Oh, you're doing a live podcast. | ||
| But then you're going to do our stand-up show. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, then I'm doing that, yeah. | ||
| But why'd you say, oh fuck? | ||
| I don't like live podcasts. | ||
| Well, it's an interesting one because it's a small room. | ||
| It's only like 50 people. | ||
| I'm just going to sit there and giggle my fucking ass off at Joey. | ||
| You know what he said to me today? | ||
| We're driving in the car and he goes, and we're talking about health. | ||
| And he goes, ah dog, I went to the doctor today. | ||
| I dropped my pants and the doctor looked up at me and he goes, hey, you know you've got toilet paper on your dick. | ||
| He said that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey just passed through it and I was laughing so fucking hard I couldn't listen to the rest of the story. | |
| I go, Joey, why was there toilet paper on the end of your dick? | ||
| He goes, I had to wipe the helmet before I went in there. | ||
| I had to dab the helmet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't notice a little piece of toilet paper hanging off the end of the day. | |
| My dick sneezed a little. | ||
| You know the answer, as Joey Diaz. | ||
| Hey Joey, what's your first pee of the day smell like? | ||
| Like Listerine and gunpowder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like it got shot out of an alien's asshole. | |
| It looks like... | ||
| You know how your piss looks when you take too many vitamins? | ||
| I've got an answer to that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Was it on your podcast that I was on that he said, you know, black people eat to talk? | ||
| Oh, yes! | ||
| Black people sleep to talk? | ||
| No, eat to talk. | ||
| No, it was resting. | ||
| The only reason black people rest is so they can talk. | ||
| Oh, rest to talk. | ||
| Rest to talk, yeah. | ||
| What the fuck does that even mean? | ||
| Why did you let him do that to your dad? | ||
| You were there. | ||
| No, I wasn't there. | ||
| Oh my god, it just happened so quickly. | ||
| Did your dad ask for them? | ||
| No, Joey cracked them open. | ||
| He's a grown-ass man if he wanted one. | ||
| He cracked them open and he goes, here you go, Mr. K. And just dumped some in my dad's hand. | ||
| And my dad goes, what is it? | ||
| And he goes, candy. | ||
| It's popcorn. | ||
| You'll like it. | ||
| My dad won't sit down. | ||
| My dad won't sit down. | ||
| I go, dad, there's marijuana in there. | ||
| And he goes, no, buddy. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| And I go, Dad. | ||
| And then Joey's laughing fucking hysterically. | ||
| I'm like, what are we going to do about this? | ||
| My sisters lost their fucking mind. | ||
| Everyone's like, oh my God. | ||
| And so, yeah. | ||
| But my dad was fine. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| The photos are amazing. | ||
| The photo is amazing. | ||
| You can't do that, right? | ||
| I don't agree with doing that at all. | ||
| I did it to my own dad. | ||
| Remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But that's your dad. | ||
| That's your dad. | ||
| Now, my dad would never say that he took it knowingly. | ||
| In my head, I'm like, there's no way Joey slipped it to him. | ||
| He must have said something. | ||
| Maybe your dad didn't know what the fuck Joey said. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, sure. | ||
| Sure, buddy. | ||
| Probably his brain blacked out. | ||
| You want to get high with me, mister? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Mr. K. My dad's such a question. | ||
| Come on, cocksucker. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| We're playing games? | ||
| Are we going deep? | ||
| I'm going deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You going deep with me? | |
| And your dad's like, I'll go deep with you. | ||
| I'll go deep, yeah. | ||
| That's exactly what happens. | ||
| A handful of pot cookies and he's wolfing down. | ||
| He heard two of seven words and one was like, cookie. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a cookie. | ||
| How many times is when someone's talking to you and you're not even paying attention because you're thinking about something else and you're giving them a small percentage and you're trying to figure something out and you go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, what? | ||
| Or like taxi drivers, you know, you just hear the main words. | ||
| Many, many times I've been distracted. | ||
| My dad is the king of that, and I know when he's playing chess, I'll be like, what's up man? | ||
| He's like... | ||
| Yeah, I was doing shows. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| And he's in front of the computer playing chess? | ||
| Yeah, and I can tell he's like, hold on a second, hold on a second. | ||
| I'm like, alright. | ||
| He's like, so, what's going on? | ||
| I could be like, I robbed a bank today. | ||
| And he's like, wow, wow. | ||
| That's neat, buddy. | ||
| I'm like, you know what the fuck I'm saying right now? | ||
| And I go, what is it? | ||
| Fucking Rook Tonight something? | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| Yeah, play chess. | ||
| I know, man! | ||
| Is this on the phone? | ||
| This is on the phone, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Call me back. | ||
| That's so fucking whack. | ||
| You know Travel Channel Green? | ||
| They said they would pay for us if we want to do an adventure. | ||
| If they can air it. | ||
| They're like, if you guys want to do anything, we'll fucking pay for it. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I was sitting there. | ||
| We were talking. | ||
| We were just having dinner. | ||
| And they were asking questions. | ||
| They were just kind of getting hip to the podcast scene. | ||
| And they were asking questions about... | ||
| They're like, what is Death Squad? | ||
| And I was kind of... | ||
| Don't tell them. | ||
| It's really ridiculous to try to explain. | ||
| You got to go... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, if you don't know, you don't know. | ||
| If you don't know, you don't know. | ||
| And then they were like... | ||
| So these are all your buddies? | ||
| And they're like, yeah. | ||
| Do you ever want to do anything with them? | ||
| Like... | ||
| And I jokingly said, I said, yeah, we kind of... | ||
| I just said this, because Duncan had said it one time. | ||
| I go, we kind of want to take dugout canoes into the rainforest and see if we can find ayahuasca. | ||
| With our dads? | ||
| No, just us. | ||
| Just us. | ||
| And so then... | ||
| So we were talking about dads. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| How'd you get there? | ||
| I have no fucking idea how my brain works. | ||
| This motherfucker just took us on an unrelated journey. | ||
| I was thinking we should do a show where we all take our dads and go do shit. | ||
| And then in my head I was like, oh, I have a better idea. | ||
| You know what's fucked up? | ||
| He was actually talking about people that do that very thing earlier on the podcast. | ||
| But in a very negative way. | ||
| In a very negative way. | ||
| It was about liars. | ||
| It was about how liars... | ||
| Not, not, not meaning that at all. | ||
| No, that's fine. | ||
| What he was talking about was about how, you know how some guys were going, so what do you guys want to go see the movies? | ||
| Wouldn't believe this, man, but I'm about to start a billion dollar a year business. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kind of crazy, but we're taking this from the ground floor, and Tommy was like, but you You make $10 now? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about, man? | ||
| Well, you know, once we get the startup money, which is basically guaranteed... | ||
| Yeah, I got a couple of investors. | ||
| I got an Italian investor, and I got one in Czech Republic. | ||
| And you're like, we were talking about what movie to go to see. | ||
| How the fuck did we get here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what you kind of did. | ||
| I just did that. | ||
| You did that. | ||
| I did that actually almost exactly like that, too. | ||
| I was trying to think. | ||
| I was like, my dad doesn't want to be on TV. I was like, I don't know where he's going with this. | ||
| My brain does not. | ||
| He's like a normal guy. | ||
| He doesn't want to be on TV at all. | ||
| My dad will be on TV. You're saying that? | ||
| I think your dad would enjoy it. | ||
| My dad is hilarious. | ||
| Your dad is a fascinating guy. | ||
| My dad's a very nice guy. | ||
| He would be very polite and friendly with everybody. | ||
| My dad would love to do this. | ||
| Let's do a dad show then. | ||
| Let's take it back. | ||
| No, there's no way. | ||
| He would never do it. | ||
| No. | ||
| He has zero desire to be famous. | ||
| Can we cast a dad for you? | ||
| Yeah, you can give me like a black guy. | ||
| I want a black guy. | ||
| This is Joe's dad? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A black guy who's only a couple years older than me. | ||
| Do I have to go? | ||
| Like four years old? | ||
| Bernard Hopkins. | ||
| Like Bernard Hopkins plays my dad and no one even mentions it. | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| And Bernard Hopkins refuses to admit it's him playing it on the show and afterwards in every interview I don't know what the fuck you're talking about that's not me but it is him. | ||
| We take Bernard Hopkins, we go fishing with him, I call him dad. | ||
| But you have to listen to him at some point. | ||
| Would he have good stories to tell us? | ||
| I have to listen to him. | ||
| He tells me whatever, you know, I'm listening. | ||
| He's my dad. | ||
| It's like, and he has to bring back childhood memories? | ||
| It's like when Joe was a kid and he first learned how to ride a bike. | ||
| That's what I wanted to do. | ||
| Like, Joe, I remember when I took Joe to the Holiday Inn. | ||
| You remember that, Joe? | ||
| He started making some shit about me. | ||
| This motherfucker's lying in his bed playing with chimpanzee dolls. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins owns the right to the title, I am the machine. | ||
| What? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Maybe that might be it. | ||
| I'll be right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Alright, I'm going to go to Joey Blackcast. | ||
| Get out of here, you fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be back. | |
| I'll be back. | ||
| You've tarnished your reputation indelibly. | ||
| Son of a word. | ||
| Later, brother. | ||
| We'll see you in a bit. | ||
| Burt Kreischer will be joining us tonight. | ||
| The sold-out Ice House Comedy Club show. | ||
| Along with this man that I'm talking to right now, Tom Segura. | ||
| That was so exactly what we... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I wasn't thinking of him at all, but it was fucking perfect. | |
| It was perfect. | ||
| Sort of, you know, but it wasn't... | ||
| No, he wasn't. | ||
| He's not a crazy person. | ||
| No. | ||
| But he does make me think what we were talking about, which is like... | ||
| A lot of times I go, how does fucking Bert's brain work? | ||
| I think that all the time. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| How did he get there? | ||
| Which you do when you're sitting around. | ||
| He's not even high though. | ||
| He didn't even get high. | ||
| No. | ||
| So he's got no goddamn excuse. | ||
| He just showed up and I just didn't know where he was going with the dad thing. | ||
| I was like, hmm. | ||
| Dance on vacation? | ||
| Adventure? | ||
| Ayahuasca? | ||
| But somehow those things do connect in his brain. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think he was just waiting for an opportunity to talk about doing another thing together. | ||
| I think it was more of that. | ||
| I do want to go canoeing really bad. | ||
| Do you guys ever used to go canoeing? | ||
| Meanwhile, middle of the night, the fucking forest is on fire because Brian left behind one lit cigarette. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to go canoeing with you. | ||
| We're going to die up there in a river. | ||
| Wait, what happened? | ||
| You spiked your dad? | ||
| You didn't finish that. | ||
| When did you do that to your dad? | ||
| Well, you told them you were doing it though, right? | ||
| Didn't you? | ||
| I mean, sure you did. | ||
| Well, you brought it up! | ||
| I just remembered. | ||
| Joe gave me this big bottle of pop soda that was made out of marijuana. | ||
| I had it in my fridge for a while and me and my fiancee at the time We were all recording ourselves because my dad was in town for the night. | ||
| And I think I put the camera down and then... | ||
| He's like, oh, I want to have some of this wine or champagne or whatever. | ||
| And I'm like, that's not champagne. | ||
| Okay, yeah, you can drink that. | ||
| And then I just let him drink it. | ||
| And then within a half hour or so, he just became so giggly and just laughing. | ||
| And it was really actually one of the coolest things ever. | ||
| Did he freak out at all? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| He was just almost like a happy drunk buzz. | ||
| Wow, that's great. | ||
| Where he was just kind of giggling and laughing. | ||
| Did you ever tell him what happened? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| He probably knows now. | ||
| But you should tell him because he would enjoy it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| I mean, maybe it'd be one of those things that he discovers late in life, like, wow, this makes life so much more enjoyable. | ||
| But you'd have to get it to him in that form, though. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's the coolest form. | ||
| The edible form is the best form, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The effects. | |
| I like it the most. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Sorry. | ||
| As long as it's mild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| As long as it's not, like, super strong. | ||
| The effects are, like, really pleasant. | ||
| Super strong can break you. | ||
| Super strong is not good. | ||
| That's a terrible feeling. | ||
| It's like, oh, I'm just trying to relax and get through this day. | ||
| I don't need to be contemplating the fate of the fucking galaxy. | ||
| Do you liken super strong to psychedelic? | ||
| Is that what happens? | ||
| Yes, very much so. | ||
| In fact, in a lot of the ancient Hindu writings, a lot of what they talked about... | ||
| Really extreme psychedelic experiences that they talked about were all from eating hash. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eating cannabis, if you eat enough of it, you can have an experience that is every bit as strong as mushrooms. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just have to eat a lot of it. | ||
| I've been moved to tears a few times. | ||
| I've had experiences in the tank, eating pot, that... | ||
| Are like a fucking ride in a movie. | ||
| Like an experience that you wouldn't believe. | ||
| If you didn't see it with your own synapses, if you weren't going through it, it seems impossible. | ||
| It's all just eating pot. | ||
| Eating pot and getting into a tank. | ||
| A tank filled with water. | ||
| But you have to eat that, you gotta get to that critical level where you feel like you eat too much. | ||
| That's where you gotta get. | ||
| You gotta get to that feeling where you're like, I fucked up. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| And that's when you can close your eyes and see nutty shit. | ||
| Like, how much are you talking about? | ||
| Well, you see it in the dark. | ||
| See, that's when you see it. | ||
| Like, you don't see it if you open your eyes. | ||
| If you open your eyes, you're not gonna hallucinate. | ||
| It's not like it's gonna misinterpret visual cues and real information. | ||
| But what it will do is supercharge your imagination to the point where it can't deal with a blank slate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when you eat the pot, you either close your eyes. | ||
| I've had this happen on planes before, where I ate a cookie before I got to the airport, and then while I'm on the plane, you're tripping your balls off. | ||
| When you close your eyes, in the darkness of your closed eyes, that's when your imagination starts firing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you start seeing wild, crazy, neon colors, like, fucking. | ||
| You start seeing, like, computer cartoon, Fractal shows. | ||
| It becomes very, very bizarre. | ||
| And that's just closing your eyes on a plane. | ||
| Inside the tank, it almost opens up another realm of experience. | ||
| It's very strange because in the absence of light, all this stuff flying through your brain sort of manifests itself as visual information. | ||
| You don't just get the feeling like, oh, life's slipping away. | ||
| You get that feeling when your eyes are open, but everything looks normal. | ||
| Everything looks a little faker and everything looks kind of two-dimensional, a little closer than it should be, but it still looks normal. | ||
| But when you close your eyes, then you get The fucking color show. | ||
| You get this madness and craziness in front of you. | ||
| Yeah, I've had an absolute freaked out, oh my god, blowing my mind experiences eating it. | ||
| Yeah, you just have to eat it. | ||
| What's the most you've consumed? | ||
| Well, this is what I was going to say. | ||
| There was a friend who made pills. | ||
| He made THC pills. | ||
| And I forget how he did it. | ||
| I forget what his process was of extracting the THC and putting it into the pill form. | ||
| But he told us very specifically, only take one. | ||
| He said, do not take more than one. | ||
| I only took one. | ||
| I listened. | ||
| Eddie Bravo took two. | ||
| Because Eddie Bravo was one of those silly bitches like, man, I can't even get too high. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| If I'm too high, you can't. | ||
| And it was unbelievably strong. | ||
| Just one. | ||
| I was like, where is this dude traveling every day? | ||
| This dude is going to crazy town every day. | ||
| And that's something that a lot of people are overlooking about this whole medical marijuana movement. | ||
| Everyone's focusing on smoking pot. | ||
| We don't want people smoking pot. | ||
| Well, the eating pot is five times stronger. | ||
| Five. | ||
| It's five times more psychoactive when you eat it. | ||
| And you're getting guys just loading up these cookies, loading up these candies. | ||
| And you can eat three or four of them before you even know what the fuck's going on. | ||
| And then an hour and 20 minutes later, you're on your deathbed. | ||
| I mean, you're freaking the fuck out. | ||
| Like Yoshi. | ||
| Yeah, like Yoshi. | ||
| With the banana bread. | ||
| Joey Diaz actually had a funny story from a long time ago when Listerine Strips first came out, pot Listerine Strips. | ||
| And they used to have little containers just like them, and... | ||
| He had a whole one and his friends were like, can I have one? | ||
| And he takes it out and they had all melted together. | ||
| And there were like nine strips that had melted together. | ||
| And Joey Diaz was just like, I guess that's it. | ||
| And then gave it to him. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| And I guess the guy called the ambulance. | ||
| Of course he did. | ||
| It was just like ten times the amount of those. | ||
| Those are pretty strong. | ||
| Those are super strong. | ||
| I used to take one half of those breast strips. | ||
| It's really hard to find them now. | ||
| They don't have them anymore. | ||
| But I used to take one half of one and that's all it took. | ||
| One half of one. | ||
| You gave me that one time. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| That was when we were headed to the East Coast. | ||
| We were on a red-eye. | ||
| I remember we both landed and you were like, that is the highest I've ever been in my life. | ||
| I go, right there on that plane? | ||
| You go, right there on that plane. | ||
| I go, what was that like? | ||
| You go, that was an adventure. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| And I also remember that I was by no means not high anymore when I said that. | ||
| And I felt like, like 11 hours later, I was like, still kind of feeling it right now. | ||
| Like, yeah, dude, that shit kicked my ass. | ||
| That was unbelievable. | ||
| And that was only a half. | ||
| I can't imagine taking more than that. | ||
| I actually started after that. | ||
| I realized that, like, for me to not have that feeling, a quarter. | ||
| Of a strip was better. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I could function on a quarter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not on the half, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hear you, man. | ||
| I don't like eating anymore. | ||
| I had one the other day, and I didn't think I felt it the whole night. | ||
| Like, I took it around 8 o'clock, around 11 or 12. I was like, alright, I guess that was just a shitty edible. | ||
| Then I couldn't go to bed, and it started, like, my heart started going crazy. | ||
| I was like, alright, now it's starting right now. | ||
| It's like 1 in the morning. | ||
| How long did it take to kick in? | ||
| Four or five hours almost. | ||
| You gotta go to the doctor. | ||
| You got some blockage somewhere, son. | ||
| That doesn't even make sense. | ||
| Four or five hours. | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't make sense. | ||
| You just defied logic. | ||
| You defied science. | ||
| You broke medicine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I couldn't go to sleep, though, for, like, hours. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe it just took you a while to realize you were high. | ||
| Or were you, like, caffeined up? | ||
| Maybe it was having a hard time getting in there? | ||
| Yeah, I think I had too much other food in my stomach, maybe, and it just took a while to digest it. | ||
| That's another possibility. | ||
| If you ate something heavy, right? | ||
| If that's behind it, does that happen? | ||
| Does it work like that? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Totally, right? | ||
| Yeah, it was like busy. | ||
| Your body has to break it down and it doesn't get to it. | ||
| We're totally unscientific when it comes to understanding of the digestive system. | ||
| And you know what I'm saying? | ||
| The juices break it down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The brain juices break it down. | |
| Yeah, I don't think we were right about that. | ||
| But yeah, I think if anybody should be concerned about experiences, it's the eating it. | ||
| Because I don't want anybody to have bad trips, man. | ||
| Bad trips steer people away from weed. | ||
| And you don't get anything out of those bad edible trips either. | ||
| Because they usually come when you don't expect them. | ||
| Like, they come when you're trying to go to a movie, have a pot cookie with your friends, go to a movie, and giggle. | ||
| And the pot cookie, way too fucking strong! | ||
| And everybody just wants to go home. | ||
| You just gotta get out of there. | ||
| Everybody wants to leave. | ||
| Well, panic is never a good time. | ||
| And that's what it is. | ||
| You are in, like, you have super anxiety going. | ||
| At least I do. | ||
| And that's not like, That's not fun, man. | ||
| You don't go. | ||
| That was really cool the way I panicked for my life for a few hours, you know, just from sitting there. | ||
| When I was in full panic mode, okay, from taking this one pill, when Eddie Bravo had taken two, I was in full panic mode and I was talking to this dude. | ||
| And the dude I was talking to was a very high-level jujitsu guy who also apparently was a rapist. | ||
| And while I was talking to him, I'm so high. | ||
| I mean, I'm just... | ||
| I'm so high. | ||
| I really shouldn't be talking to anybody. | ||
| But while I'm talking to this guy, I'm like, man, this guy is a fucking killer. | ||
| Like, he's got this just feel about him. | ||
| Like, he feels super dangerous. | ||
| You know, he's like a really high-level jiu-jitsu guy, but he also feels like, wow, like, if you were alone in the woods with this guy, you know, and you'd gone for a few days without food, he might fucking eat you. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Later after that had happened, it turned out that he was a rapist. | ||
| He got arrested. | ||
| But he didn't get arrested right away. | ||
| He fleed. | ||
| And the way they caught him was he started doing jiu-jitsu again. | ||
| He couldn't stop doing jiu-jitsu. | ||
| And he started doing jiu-jitsu at a new gym. | ||
| And he didn't realize how obvious it is that he's like a super high-level guy. | ||
| There's not that many high-level guys. | ||
| I mean, there are quite a few. | ||
| But I mean... | ||
| Maybe there's hundreds, but the people in the jiu-jitsu world are pretty much aware of a guy that's that high level. | ||
| And this guy was just tapping everybody, including their best black belts. | ||
| And everybody's like, okay, what the fuck? | ||
| Who is this dude? | ||
| And he says he's from Brazil, and so someone's got a picture of him or something. | ||
| And they went, oh my god, that's that guy. | ||
| And he's wanted for rape. | ||
| He couldn't go on the lam and not do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe they would have got him anyway. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's two things I've got to have. | ||
| It's jujitsu and raping people. | ||
| I've got to be able to do both of those things to be a happy guy. | ||
| Yeah, he gave off this weird, dangerous energy. | ||
| Especially when you're that cranked out on the wrong side of the pot rainbow. | ||
| I was in a never world. | ||
| I was in the world of fairies and elves and dwarves and monsters. | ||
| Dragons in the night. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| If you're having that type of experience on the trip, and you've eaten too much, and you happen to be in a not cool environment, like if you're in an already dangerous situation, oh my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hostility. | ||
| Somebody get us home. | ||
| Please, God, get us home right now. | ||
| Get us out of here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's bad spots in the world. | ||
| Imagine eating a pot cookie and going to Karachi. | ||
| Being in the middle of Pakistan. | ||
| Watching people pull up with mopeds and gun people down. | ||
| Did you see that on Vice? | ||
| The dangerous border one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fantastic. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| What an amazing, amazing access. | ||
| We had Shane in here. | ||
| He was telling us about Karachi and how insane it is. | ||
| That looks insane. | ||
| Millions of people all in this one giant city. | ||
| I think it's 20 million there, right? | ||
| Yeah, something crazy. | ||
| That's a lot of people. | ||
| And crimes just running amok. | ||
| And then they hate their neighbors so much. | ||
| And they are hated so much. | ||
| Dude, it's so crazy. | ||
| The way he described it to me, he's like, it literally is like the scariest place on Earth. | ||
| Like, you can't believe it exists. | ||
| It's like the apocalypse in a city, and it's there right now, and nobody's talking about it. | ||
| Nobody even thinks about it. | ||
| When you talk about dangerous places, people talk about, like, Detroit. | ||
| Detroit is not nearly as dangerous as Karachi. | ||
| Have you had Kumail on? | ||
| Have you ever had him on the show? | ||
| Kumail Nanjiani? | ||
| No, who's that? | ||
| He's a comic from Pakistan, from Karachi. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| He's a really good comic. | ||
| Where's he from? | ||
| In America? | ||
| Does he live in L.A.? He lives in L.A. He came over when he was 19. How do you say his name again? | ||
| Kumail Nanjiani. | ||
| He's a really, really good comic. | ||
| Like, really good. | ||
| We had him on a mom's cast a long time ago, right? | ||
| A long time ago. | ||
| I mean, he's very successful. | ||
| Like, he does very well. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I mean, he just did an hour special. | ||
| He's acting in, like, all kinds. | ||
| Like, he does really well. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And he's, like, he's a super, really, like, the thing that I was obsessed with when I had him on was that he didn't, like, he grew up there, and he didn't, like, watch stand-up growing up. | ||
| And he came into college at 19, and he's so good at it that I'm like, yeah, but I still understand how you're good at it. | ||
| Because, like, how has your sense of humor developed? | ||
| You started at, like, basically 19, like, being exposed to this at all. | ||
| And he's, like... | ||
| Exceptionally good at it. | ||
| So you see like he just has such a command of doing stand-up, like everything. | ||
| Like really insightful, smart, really good writer, performer, so funny. | ||
| And I just am fascinated at his whole background, his whole story. | ||
| Yeah, that is interesting because there are cultures that do not have stand-up comedy, right? | ||
| Yeah, he definitely didn't have it. | ||
| They all have some sort of public gathering where someone gets to talk. | ||
| But for entertainment, I mean, how many places have... | ||
| It's just breaking out in some parts of the world now. | ||
| I know in a lot of Spanish-speaking countries, there are clubs now and a stand-up show, even for television, but they don't have the basically 80, 100-year history that we have of it coming from the Catskills and it being... | ||
| Like, a thing that has different genres. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's newer. | ||
| Well, it was invented here. | ||
| It was most certainly invented here. | ||
| But there's a lot of confusion or a lot of questioning as far as who invented it. | ||
| I mean, who the fuck invented it? | ||
| Is there anyone who is like... | ||
| the godfather of stand-up? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Because stand-up sort of became stand-up with Lenny Bruce. | ||
| Because before that, it was like a lot of guys that would share jokes, and they would do the same sketch for 20 years, and they would go perform in the Catskills, and they would all steal each other's material and shit. | ||
| They were like people in show business, almost like you would think of a contract studio person from like the 1940s and 50s. | ||
| You know, you think of those people that had contracts with the studio and did all those studio movies. | ||
| Well, these guys kind of were that. | ||
| They were like, it was a different kind of comedy. | ||
| And then Lenny Bruce came along, and all of a sudden he starts talking about real shit. | ||
| And all of a sudden he starts breaking down our use of language, and why do we have to say this, and talking about real scenarios in the home, and like, whoa, that was the birth. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, if you go over to my house, there's all these Lenny Bruce posters everywhere. | ||
| It's not like I listen to Lenny Bruce a lot. | ||
| I mean, I certainly have. | ||
| It's not like it even holds up to this day, because it really doesn't. | ||
| It's really hard to laugh at Lenny Bruce's stuff. | ||
| It's hard to put yourself into that mindset of the people that lived during the 1950s and the 1960s. | ||
| But if you could, if you could go back in time, you would be blown away. | ||
| I'm sure of it. | ||
| I'm sure his... | ||
| Point of view was probably so incredibly unique at the time. | ||
| And his insight, you know, his jokes, some of his jokes today are great jokes. | ||
| He had this joke about homosexuality being illegal. | ||
| So what they do is they arrest you and they put you in jail with a bunch of men who want to have sex with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's a good joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's funny in 2013, and he probably told that in the 50s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Where people were like, what? | ||
| It never hurt anything like that. | ||
| The fuck did he just say? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Lenny Bruce went to jail for it. | ||
| He went to jail for using bad words. | ||
| People don't understand that that is in this past century. | ||
| People have been locked into cages for saying naughty words. | ||
| Not even threatening. | ||
| Not like saying, I'm going to blow up this plane. | ||
| Not words like that. | ||
| But a word like fuck or a word like shit or tits or something like that. | ||
| They locked him in cages. | ||
| You're going to jail now. | ||
| They drained his money, ruined his career. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, that and the smack. | ||
| That's the other thing we need to learn from a guy like Lenny. | ||
| Stay away from the smack, my friend. | ||
| It seems like nobody gets through the smack okay. | ||
| Nobody does. | ||
| There's no recovery from that. | ||
| I had a buddy who had a hard time kicking it. | ||
| He, in a pill form, he hurt his back. | ||
| And the doctors immediately, of course, gave him heroin. | ||
| That's what the OxyContin says. | ||
| They gave him OxyContin. | ||
| And he was like, dude, he goes, it was magical. | ||
| He goes, it cured all the pain. | ||
| He goes, I didn't, it wasn't even that fucked up when he was on. | ||
| He goes, I was just, he goes, it just stopped the pain. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But then, coming off of it, he had to take some other drug. | ||
| It's my friend Tommy Jr., if he's listening right now. | ||
| Powerful Tommy Jr. And they just give them to you, man. | ||
| When you get hurt, like, I know guys who were junkies and went to the doctor and, you know, they give them pain medication. | ||
| And, you know, that's a dangerous trip. | ||
| Like, you're getting high. | ||
| Like, mark it down, because here it comes. | ||
| You know, do you like being sober? | ||
| You like keeping your shit together? | ||
| Don't take that. | ||
| That's no bueno. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You take that pill too, the painkillers with a beer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh, that's a whole other ballgame. | ||
| Most people do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like super common. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You're not supposed to, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Isn't Xanax a really bad one to take with alcohol? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I saw a lady do it on a plane. | ||
| She was laughing about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's getting high. | ||
| She's getting high. | ||
| Just a glass of wine in my Xanax and I'm good to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she was like laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| She puts her fucking goggles on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| See you later. | ||
| Just drooling on the chair. | ||
| Yeah, she was letting everybody know she was abusing drugs. | ||
| Yeah, that's because she was getting high for sure. | ||
| But if I let them know, if I said, listen, I took a pot cookie an hour before this flight, I'm out of my fucking head right now, kids. | ||
| We're going to go back to the gate, guys. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to turn this thing around and land it in the desert. | ||
| Get this fucking criminal off. | ||
| Get this pot monster off of our plane. | ||
| You asshole. | ||
| What were you thinking about? | ||
| I was thinking about fingering girls in high school. | ||
| What was that all about? | ||
| Ah, just having that flashback. | ||
| The excitement. | ||
| The first time we touched a moist vagina, like, holy shit, I'm in there! | ||
| I'm in there! | ||
| And girls that would grab your dick, and some girls wouldn't. | ||
| Did you have those girls that everyone would pass around during movies, like when they had the projectors out, and then she'd be like, oh, we got the finger! | ||
| Some girls, yeah. | ||
| There were some girls that would just let dudes finger them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good thing. | ||
| That's just a balance. | ||
| Sometimes you need your pussy fingers. | ||
| It's a balance to this universe. | ||
| And it's not necessarily a good thing that those girls are so needy that they're doing that. | ||
| But there's a cause and effect. | ||
| And it's not her fault. | ||
| That's what people have to realize. | ||
| Whenever girls do really overreaching things to get attention, it's because they didn't get enough attention. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| Or they got the wrong kind of attention. | ||
| They got fucked up. | ||
| And it's not their fault, man. | ||
| And that's something that takes a long time to figure out. | ||
| You don't realize that for a while. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I mean, people just sort of judge people by what they see. | ||
| And that's one of the more interesting things about having children is you start judging people by how they became that thing. | ||
| How did you get to be this angry, really deceptive, shitty, selfish person who's ruining lives and stealing from people? | ||
| How does a person get to be a murderer? | ||
| How does a person get to be a robber who breaks into people's houses when you know they're not going to be around? | ||
| How do you get to be that person? | ||
| Well, a bunch of shit has to go wrong. | ||
| There's a bunch of people who have to fail you. | ||
| You started off nothing but potential. | ||
| That's what a person is. | ||
| Nothing but potential. | ||
| And that is the number one thing that we don't pay attention to. | ||
| And it's the number one thing that's fucking up this world. | ||
| Is that people are raised by people that don't have any idea how to raise the most complex thing ever. | ||
| A developing human being. | ||
| It's the most complex thing we know of. | ||
| It's a thing that literally can create an atomic bomb that can blow up the fucking world. | ||
| That's how powerful the human mind is. | ||
| And you're leaving it to assholes. | ||
| You're leaving it to a bunch of people that have no idea how to raise a person correctly and weren't raised correctly themselves. | ||
| So I have all sorts of baggage that they're carrying into this relationship between mother and daughter and father and son. | ||
| You know... | ||
| Most people have no idea how the fuck they got into the place they're at right now. | ||
| They live their life on momentum. | ||
| And raising a human when you're stuck on momentum and screaming at people in traffic and calling your wife a cunt and kicking your dog. | ||
| And now you got a baby. | ||
| This guy has a baby. | ||
| Now what happens? | ||
| Now this baby's fucked and he's being raised by a shithead. | ||
| And that's most of what's going on in the world. | ||
| Most of the problems is a lack of compassion. | ||
| And a lack of compassion from birth to adulthood. | ||
| And it's so common. | ||
| And it's not being addressed. | ||
| Nobody talks about it. | ||
| Everybody wants to talk about oil. | ||
| Everybody wants to talk about oil. | ||
| What do we do when we run out of oil? | ||
| What will we do when peak oil becomes a problem in this country? | ||
| When will we step up and learn? | ||
| But nobody looks at the number one commodity that humans have to offer. | ||
| That's humans. | ||
| Our best commodity is humans. | ||
| And the more potential that you can have in that commodity, the better the world would be for everybody. | ||
| But the problem is that the people that have billions of dollars are a bunch of cunts. | ||
| and they want to hold on to that money with their greasy, old, moisturizing cream, fucking leather hands because they've had it their whole life and they've been in this position of privilege and they understand what it takes to make $16 billion. | ||
| How many people I had to pay off? | ||
| You know, how many lobbyists I had to bribe? | ||
| You know, I earned this fucking boat, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's the extreme form of, you know, the wrong parts of the competitive aspects of capitalism. | ||
| Did you see Queen of Versailles? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's a documentary. | ||
| It's so fucking funny. | ||
| You're not the first person to say it. | ||
| What is it about? | ||
| It's about the guy who, he started, it's the world's biggest time shareholder company. | ||
| Westgate, I think it's called, or it was called something like that. | ||
| I think it's Westgate. | ||
| Anyways, a few years ago, he went about building the largest home in the United States. | ||
| It was 90,000 square feet, I think. | ||
| 90,000 square feet. | ||
| And it was modeled after Versailles, the palace in France. | ||
| And he just so happened to be doing this, and the documentary crew was filming him, you know, for this purpose. | ||
| And it happened in 08 when the market crashed. | ||
| They had a lion? | ||
| Oh my God, he has a throne. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a 43-year-old mother of eight. | |
| I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. | ||
| It took me a while to fall in love with him. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| We have a great relationship. | ||
| There's 30 years between us. | ||
| But he doesn't need Viagra. | ||
| At least there is that option if he does. | ||
| Like, I don't know if 10 years from now. | ||
| We never sought out to build the biggest house in America. | ||
| It just kind of happened. | ||
| It's bigger than the White House. | ||
| Two tennis courts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
30 bathrooms. | |
| Full-size baseball field. | ||
| 10 kitchens. | ||
| Antique furniture. | ||
| 90,000 square feet. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| No, that's not my room. | ||
| That's my closet. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Nothing's really normal about this life. | ||
| We're in line to do a billion dollars in sales for the year. | ||
| We're on top of the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it came to a screeching halt. | |
| The market fell over 700 points. | ||
| I would say it's touch and go right now. | ||
| We don't talk about financial problems. | ||
| I guess I'll have to watch the movie to find out what's going on in my life. | ||
| Everything changes. | ||
| This is almost like a riches to rags story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She knows we need to cut back, but she's still compulsive. | |
| What home is it now? | ||
| Well, if I could afford a watch, I would tell you. | ||
| Bankers are like vultures. | ||
| Our big problem is Vegas. | ||
| Our lenders have made it very clear that he'll have more money than he knows what to do with. | ||
| He can go back to building his house if he turns over this building. | ||
| Go for my dead body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can buy the palace that timeshare mogul David Siegel already wants to sell. | |
| Just think of the bright side. | ||
| You might not have to clean this house. | ||
| The American dream is raising way up above what you started with and that is what she has done. | ||
| When you're down is when you find out who your true friends are. | ||
| You get strength from your marriage? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm in this fantasy world, you know. | |
| It's phenomenal. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She is completely oblivious to how she... | |
| How she comes off? | ||
| Well, when they start having to make cutbacks, their cutbacks are things like, we're not flying private, we're flying, you know, commercial. | ||
| And she picks up one of her kids, they land, and she picks up her kid at the airport, and she's like, What do you think of flying commercial? | ||
| Was that crazy? | ||
| And the kid's like, I don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| They're just planes, right? | ||
| She's like, yeah, commercial. | ||
| They go to rent a car to visit her friend at the airport, and they're at Hertz. | ||
| And then she's like, so will the driver meet me out front, or how does this work? | ||
| And he's like, this is Hertz. | ||
| Rent a car? | ||
| And she's like, what is that? | ||
| There's no driver? | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| No, you're the driver. | ||
| You're renting a car right now. | ||
| She's like, okay, I just, I don't know. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's pretty funny. | ||
| That removed from society where she's living in such a fantasy world. | ||
| How much money did a homeboy lose? | ||
| I mean, nine figures, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nine figures. | |
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's been... | ||
| That's like $100 million. | ||
| Yeah, so over $100 million, for sure, of personal wealth. | ||
| Stop and think about that. | ||
| Nine figures. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, he lost a substantial amount of money. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Basically, what happened was his business is a luxury business, but it's a luxury for the middle class. | ||
| So timeshares are something where it's like, if you have a good job, you can more than pay your bills, you can afford to do something like, let's go to Disney World this year, or let's go to Vegas. | ||
| But they sell you on, well, you can afford to do this. | ||
| And it's people who have that extra money, some disposable income, but not super wealthy. | ||
| So what does it mean when you have a timeshare? | ||
| Does it mean you have this month and I have that month? | ||
| It's exactly like that. | ||
| It's like you get to come to this awesome timeshare, whichever, let's say you like Vegas. | ||
| You have the timeshare in Vegas. | ||
| And two weeks out of every year, maybe... | ||
| You get to pick your month. | ||
| If you pay more or sometime during the year, let's say every July, you get your Vegas place. | ||
| It's yours, and it's fully furnished, and it's awesome. | ||
| But other people have the keys to it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Who are the other people, though? | ||
| People who, like you, signed up for this service. | ||
| They're not like your friends. | ||
| You can't pick them. | ||
| No, it's total strangers. | ||
| But there is a property manager that's on site that holds the keys for you, and then you have to go through him. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| You're basically... | ||
| It's in a hotel, then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| You're paying to go back to the same place and be like, this is my shit. | ||
| But, you know, it's not really. | ||
| And you don't keep a TV there, and you don't keep a stereo there. | ||
| I mean, it's probably, I'm sure, furnished with all that stuff, though. | ||
| But what happened was... | ||
| It's probably, for a lot of people, more comfortable than going to a hotel. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| And probably better, like, if you can eat healthy food. | ||
| My families do it all the time. | ||
| That's the thing, is that... | ||
| Go to a supermarket and shop like you're at home. | ||
| And you can get a way higher end place than you would... | ||
| If you were renting the equivalent at a hotel, you're not going to get a three bedroom suite like you're going to get at your timeshare. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| How much do you have to pay a year? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not that much. | ||
| It's probably... | ||
| The one I went to, because I actually got suckered in doing one of those. | ||
| You did it? | ||
| You had a timeshare? | ||
| When I was 18, my stupid roommate, he was like, hey, I want a vacation. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, that's so perfect that Brian did. | ||
| And then so we went to Florida. | ||
| He's like, all we have to do is find a way to Florida, and then we have five days in the Bahamas. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck yeah. | ||
| So we get there, and we had to fly, like spend our own money to fly to Florida, or we could have drove there. | ||
| And then we get there, and then the first day we checked in to this hotel. | ||
| It was all paid for. | ||
| I was like, this is sweet. | ||
| He was like, all right, well, we've got to go to this condo thing. | ||
| We have to just do this little thing for a couple hours. | ||
| Seminar. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And he totally did not tell me that we had to do this every day, like for two hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every day? | |
| Yeah, except for the last two days. | ||
| How many days were you there for? | ||
| I think five days. | ||
| What? | ||
| So every day, they just went to a new level of trying to... | ||
| And every day, I would say the same thing. | ||
| I'm like, I'm 18. I was like, do you really think I can do this? | ||
| How'd you even get me here? | ||
| So every day, what were they saying to you? | ||
| They would show us the condas, which they were all amazing, but they would walk us around. | ||
| And then the next day, we'd go to a different part of... | ||
| At the time, it was Florida. | ||
| What happened is the last two days, it was in Bahamas. | ||
| He didn't tell me that either. | ||
| He's just like, five days in the Bahamas. | ||
| It was in Pompano, Florida the whole time. | ||
| So he just went to all these different condo places in Pompano. | ||
| And they were like, this is the so-and-so place. | ||
| So it was in the Bahamas? | ||
| Not the first three days. | ||
| The last two days. | ||
| The last two days, they fly you to the Bahamas? | ||
| You take a boat cruise thing over to the Bahamas. | ||
| How long does that take? | ||
| Like three hours. | ||
| You can get to the Bahamas on a boat in three hours? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so then, but what sucked is like every day they tried to get you to sign this contract. | ||
| And it was like fucking like hardcore. | ||
| Like they were like, no, you need to sit down here and talk, you know? | ||
| And I'm like, look, I don't... | ||
| Were these young guys? | ||
| Who were the guys that were trying to talk to me? | ||
| No, these were older people, you know? | ||
| It's like, what were they saying to you? | ||
| They were like, do you understand? | ||
| You're at the perfect age. | ||
| I'm sure you're a credit. | ||
| This would be a good investment in your life because you can rent this out, sub-rent it out, and you will always have this really cool place in the Pompano's or whatever. | ||
| Also telling you if you don't use it for the weeks that you get it, you could rent it out. | ||
| You could rent it out to other people and make a profit from it. | ||
| Actually, it's going to cost you this, but you could rent it. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| I want to say it was probably... | ||
| Something like you paid once a huge chunk of money. | ||
| I want to say it was something ridiculous like $10,000. | ||
| And then every year you pay a maintenance fee or something like that that's like $200. | ||
| I want to say it's something like that. | ||
| So it's a top-heavy sort of thing. | ||
| Yeah, definitely top-heavy. | ||
| And they were saying, look, we have the best financial... | ||
| We are friends with the people at the bank. | ||
| We will get you the best rate that we can get you for 20 years to divide that 10,000 out to probably 30,000 after finance charges. | ||
| It's a scam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's one of those scams that's been around for a long time though, the high pressure marketing scam. | ||
| It's like a legit scam. | ||
| You're allowed to do that. | ||
| That kind of high pressure shit, if you're socially awkward or weird, you could really crack people with that. | ||
| I was just getting really pissed. | ||
| We had to pay for all the tax of all the hotels that we stayed at. | ||
| At the end, they were like, you owe $800 in taxes. | ||
| Back then, Ohio days, we both had to pay $400 or something like that. | ||
| That was a shitload of money. | ||
| That drained my bank account. | ||
| I only had $300, so my roommate gave me the extra $100. | ||
| And then I never paid him back because I was like, look, dude, that was bullshit. | ||
| I'm sorry that you did not tell me any of this. | ||
| You said we had a free vacation. | ||
| I'm sorry, but you made me spend an extra blah, blah amount of money. | ||
| And so we stopped talking ever since then. | ||
| And then we became enemies for a long time. | ||
| Just because over $100. | ||
| Isn't it funny how something like that go wrong? | ||
| You can just decide that that person's your enemy. | ||
| You fucked me out of $100. | ||
| It's just bullshit, man. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| It's definitely bullshit. | ||
| Not a vacation. | ||
| Well, you know, it's also – they would probably have to pay you a lot of money to make you sit there and listen to those people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And in the end, what you did spend, you probably could have done almost the same thing with your $400 or whatever the hell it would have cost. | ||
| I mean how much can you go to like on the cheap to the Bahamas for and stay in the cheapest place possible? | ||
| I bet you we ended up spending more money. | ||
| You might have. | ||
| Between the two of you? | ||
| Have you both got a two-bedroom, a hotel room? | ||
| That's another thing. | ||
| The hotels were just like... | ||
| That was one thing I said. | ||
| It's three and a half or above hotel. | ||
| It was very borderline. | ||
| It was like Courtyard at the Marriott. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I've got to tell you. | ||
| One thing about... | ||
| I think it happens the older you get, too. | ||
| I will not compromise... | ||
| On certain shit, like certain... | ||
| Toilet paper? | ||
| Well, like, just certain, like, hey, man, do you want to go see this shit and backpack with, like, eight people, but we'll see something awesome. | ||
| Like, nah, man, I don't want to do that. | ||
| Like, if I... I'm not saying I have to have four seasons. | ||
| I can't afford to do that. | ||
| I'm basically not going to take a trip if I can't do it at least at a level that I'm comfortable with. | ||
| You know what though, man? | ||
| I agree with you most of the time, but I went on that show Meat Eater and we went camping for five nights in the Missouri Breaks. | ||
| But that's a trip you want to do that. | ||
| You want that experience. | ||
| If that experience were presented to me, I would consider that for what it is. | ||
| But I met a dude who was like, yeah, I've been to the Bahamas. | ||
| I went on a mail boat, bringing mail over, and slept with basically the mail carrier and the letters. | ||
| And I was like, nah, dude. | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| The problem with that is, though, I'm the same way. | ||
| I'm kind of grumpy the older I get. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But, you know, I went on this trip to Joshua Tree where we stayed in this, like, little RV. And I was so against it. | ||
| I'm like, look, you know, I want to go to Joshua Tree, but I don't want to stay in some shitty RV in the middle of some campground. | ||
| Like, why can't we just stay somewhere? | ||
| And I was being a bitch about the whole thing until we got there. | ||
| And it ended up being the coolest adventure ever. | ||
| Like, I would never have done it. | ||
| This girl I know wants me to go camping with her. | ||
| I'm doing the same thing. | ||
| I know if I go, I might have a great fucking time. | ||
| You'll probably have a great time. | ||
| I'm just being grumpy. | ||
| That's again a specific experience, I think, though, too. | ||
| It has the group... | ||
| Like, the croup experience in mind going into it is going something like that. | ||
| If somebody goes, hey man, do you want to go to Paris right now? | ||
| And you're like, okay. | ||
| And they're like, now we're going to stay at this place. | ||
| Well, you won't have your own room or bathroom, but if you get the key from the front desk, I'd be like, you know, I'll wait on Paris for a little while so that I can, you know, stay in my own room or something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I'm not... | ||
| I don't want to exactly... | ||
| And the lack of sleep you're going to get. | ||
| Sleep is what I'm going to do. | ||
| Because you know he's snoring. | ||
| And you know you're snoring. | ||
| He's going to wake you up. | ||
| It's going to be a goddamn disaster. | ||
| Last time I slept with a dude, it was my friend Gary. | ||
| He was coming to LA. Please cut that into a ringtone. | ||
| Last time I slept with a dude, he came to stay with me and he didn't have enough money for a hotel. | ||
| He was out here doing some shit from New York. | ||
| He's a comic as well. | ||
| You know Gary Valentine? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Kevin's brother. | ||
| And this motherfucker. | ||
| I never heard anybody snore like this before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy! | |
| It's crazy, right? | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| In the middle of the night, I had a geppo and go, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| But this is when we were kids. | ||
| We were both in our early 20s. | ||
| It's like in the early 90s. | ||
| A couple years ago, I stayed at the West Palm Beach. | ||
| It was a condo. | ||
| And I was down there, and my buddy Chuck came to town. | ||
| Chuck's 6'5", like 290. Big, big dude. | ||
| And he was like, yo, can I crash? | ||
| The condo has like a... | ||
| Whatever, bedroom and living room. | ||
| I was like, yeah, he goes, lays in the bed, and like before I even can sit down, I hear him like not just snoring, but he also grinds his teeth. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And it sounded like a monster was doing it. | ||
| He's like such an enormous person. | ||
| I laid on the couch in that condo with my noise-canceling headphones. | ||
| A shirt over my eyes and a mouth guard in my mouth so that I didn't snore. | ||
| And he came out and he was like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I'm like, it's you, man. | ||
| You came to visit and now you've ruined my night. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Yeah, snoring is gross. | ||
| The grinding thing is the worst. | ||
| It's scary sounding. | ||
| Oh, it is. | ||
| Why do people do that? | ||
| They say it's stress or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm a clincher. | ||
| Like, the dentist said, like, no, that's actually okay. | ||
| You clinch. | ||
| That's why you have really strong... | ||
| Many of my teeth are cracked from weightlifting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Your teeth are cracked from that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You must be throwing up some serious weight, man. | ||
| I'm a very strong person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Tommy James. | ||
| My man. | ||
| But yeah, he told me to wear a mouth guard when I lift weights. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's probably years of hitting the bag as well. | ||
| I don't hit the bag with a mouthpiece on. | ||
| When you bite down, when you're really digging into something, you actually lose a lot of power if you don't bite down. | ||
| It's really strange. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't seem like you can hit as hard when your mouth is open. | ||
| It's like your whole body needs to work together as you explode out on impact. | ||
| And when your mouth is open a little, I think there's a lack of power to that. | ||
| It's kind of strange. | ||
| But it's very difficult to get a full amount of power and explosive energy when you have your mouth open. | ||
| They actually did tests on it, and I think it was the basis of one of those mouth guards they had. | ||
| They had this power guard where they proved that if you bit down on it, it would actually increase the amount of weight you could lift. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like they aligned your jaw in a certain way that increased the amount of power that your body had. | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| I don't know why that would be the case. | ||
| But for some reason, you can't hit as hard when your mouth's open. | ||
| That's really interesting. | ||
| I know breathing can affect how you... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holding your breath versus breathing related to a lot of physical things makes a huge difference. | ||
| Huge difference, yeah. | ||
| And being able to sustain an in and out breath versus holding your breath. | ||
| That's one of the biggest issues in jujitsu. | ||
| Is breathing? | ||
| Is learning how to breathe right. | ||
| And that's why the best guys are all really into yoga. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And pranayama and learning breathing techniques and stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if you can control your breath, and your diaphragm is a muscle that you can control much like you can control your arms or your legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And there's certain guys, like there's this dude Hicks and Gracie. | ||
| He's like the greatest jiu-jitsu guy ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he does all this crazy yoga shit with his stomach where he sucks his stomach in. | ||
| It's really freaky to watch, man. | ||
| But the guy has like... | ||
| Absolute control of his breathing. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| And because of that, I mean, not just because of that, because he's also incredibly talented. | ||
| He has a wealth of knowledge of Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| He's a master. | ||
| He's a true master. | ||
| And on top of that, he's also a yogi. | ||
| That breathing shit is super important, coordinating your breath. | ||
| With striking as well, not just with Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| When you kick the bag, when you kick a person, you breathe out as you strike. | ||
| And that's why a lot of the karate and even in Muay Thai, they not like the same thing, they kiai. | ||
| They yell out when they hit things. | ||
| And Thai guys do that a lot in training. | ||
| You hear them like, yeah, yeah! | ||
| When you go to see Thai fights, they yell out. | ||
| The audience or the trainers yell out. | ||
| They yell out. | ||
| It's like you're tightening up as you're delivering the shot. | ||
| Also, to protect you a little bit if you get hit yourself. | ||
| I know a lot of the heavy... | ||
| Bench press guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If they're trying to rep out on heavy weight, it's always one in and one out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it's supposed to go, like, take one breath in and push it out with one breath, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they try to do, like, 225, like, 30 fucking times. | ||
| That shit is, like, all, you know, it's better than going, you hold your breath and you're out. | ||
| It totally fucks up the rhythm of it. | ||
| You know what's crazy to do, what's really hard to do, that I enjoy doing, I enjoy it as an exercise, is a minute in, a minute out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I take a one minute breath in, a slow one minute breath in, and then a slow one minute breath out. | ||
| And it's very hard to not freak out and just start, in the middle of it. | ||
| It's very hard. | ||
| I do it in like 30 seconds, but I do it a lot. | ||
| I do it in the tank. | ||
| And that's how I start my tank sessions. | ||
| I start my tank sessions by completely controlling my breathing. | ||
| Have you always been able to do that? | ||
| No, I had to build up to it. | ||
| Your buddy, what was it? | ||
| Denny, right? | ||
| Powerful Denny? | ||
| Yeah, powerful Denny. | ||
| He said he does yoga like every morning. | ||
| Oh yeah, Denny's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Denny's a world champion in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I've known Denny since he was a young kid. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| Denny Propagos. | ||
| He runs 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu in San Francisco. | ||
| He's a young man, but he's also a master. | ||
| He's a developing master as he's getting better. | ||
| But he's really into yoga right now. | ||
| Yoga and meditation. | ||
| He had a few back issues, and he actually gave me some pointers. | ||
| Because I had a bulging disc in my back that's actually been getting better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Denny went through some back issues himself, and he did a very strict regimen of yoga. | ||
| It was like a type of tension. | ||
| It's like a spinal decompression. | ||
| It's literally like pulling your neck while there's cord. | ||
| And he did this very disciplined over a course of five or six weeks or something like that and fixed his issue. | ||
| Denny has that quality, too. | ||
| You know, we were talking about how you can sense bad energy and, like, dangerous? | ||
| Denny, to me, has, like, just being around in a few moments, you sense, like, a type of balance. | ||
| I get the feeling from him that I do from a lot of people who are very disciplined. | ||
| There's a certain intensity to them, but there's also a certain amount... | ||
| You can feel their control at work. | ||
| They're such disciplined characters. | ||
| A lot of times, really good athletes, there's that energy that they bring into a room. | ||
| I know these guys that do triathlons and stuff. | ||
| They have this... | ||
| It's like a quiet intensity to them. | ||
| You meet them and you can feel their presence. | ||
| Their discipline comes through just when they speak to you. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| And they're the best type of people to be around. | ||
| The best type of people to be around. | ||
| Good influence. | ||
| People that have control. | ||
| Inspirational influence. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| And Denny's definitely inspirational. | ||
| I love the fact that I've seen him as a young man. | ||
| I met him when he was very young. | ||
| I think he was like 17 or 18. And he was always a cool kid. | ||
| Even back then, he was great. | ||
| But to see him evolve and develop and become the man he is now... | ||
| I love seeing that, man. | ||
| I love seeing people progress. | ||
| I love seeing people get it together. | ||
| Like I was telling Tony Hinchcliffe the other day, I had him on the podcast. | ||
| And I was like, I love the fact that in the time I've known you, you became a really good comedian. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I didn't know a guy. | ||
| He started out, and then I meet him a couple years later, and he's a great comedian. | ||
| Oh, look at this! | ||
| We got one right there. | ||
| It's pretty awesome. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| I love Tony, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's hilarious. | |
| So funny. | ||
| He's a total natural. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the best comics are the ones that can't even help themselves. | ||
| Like, if a joke is in the room to be said, he just jumps on it. | ||
| He dives on it like a fucking grenade. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| I love that feeling with comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I love the, um, and I love seeing, like, I have so many friends who I started out with who I'm, like, proud of just watching them as my friends. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You know, like, I brought, uh, you met Matt Fullstron. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| I mean, he can't help himself either. | ||
| What a great personality that guy has. | ||
| Matt Full Charge is the best. | ||
| When you're around him, he's got a legit smile, and then all of a sudden you're smiling, and he's a great guy. | ||
| There's certain guys like that, we only talked a little bit, but I could tell right away, he's awesome. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He had the week off, and I asked him to come with to do the shows that I did. | ||
| To do Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. | ||
| And he fucking brought the house down every set. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He killed. | ||
| I would imagine he'd be really funny. | ||
| Anybody that came to the shows, Friday night and all the weekend, thank you very much. | ||
| You guys were awesome. | ||
| San Jose was the shit. | ||
| That was the shit. | ||
| Northern California might be the best place on earth. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It really might be. | ||
| I mean, the weather's not the best. | ||
| It's not the best. | ||
| But as far as human beings, as far as intelligence, vibing with human beings, I think I vibe better with Northern California people than anybody on the planet. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I have some friends that live up there, and whenever I go to hang with them, I always feel like, God damn it, why don't I live in Northern California? | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the weather sucks a fat dick, though. | ||
| Unless, you know, that's only a negative if you don't enjoy sucking fat dicks. | ||
| But if you enjoy sucking fat dicks, I'm just talking from my own personal perspective. | ||
| I'm not trying to be sexist nor homophobic. | ||
| Some of them are too big to really get in your mouth right. | ||
| Especially if it's like a demon dick or a big giant warthog. | ||
| The only ones that mouth fuck you. | ||
| That's not beyond the realm of possibility. | ||
| I watch a chimp fuck a frog. | ||
| You know, ever watch a chimp fuck a frog's face? | ||
| Um, no. | ||
| There's a video of it. | ||
| There's a video of it online. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| See if you pull it up, Jamie. | ||
| I have seen pornos where I see the girl really struggle to get a guy's soft dick into her mouth, and I'm like, that's a big dick right there. | ||
| She's really struggling with his limp. | ||
| She's like... | ||
| Plus her mouth is all dry. | ||
| Wow, that's really fucking stretching out her mouth. | ||
| When you're on all that meth, it's tough to generate saliva. | ||
| Yeah, they have dry blowjobs that take too long. | ||
| Dry blowjobs take too long. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Oh, are we about to see this? | ||
| So this chimp rapes a frog. | ||
| He makes this frog suck him off. | ||
| So, because we know this exists, because we know that this chimp takes this frog and picks it up and puts it on his little chimp cock and fucks it, because we know that exists, I don't think it's that preposterous to propose that in an alternate world there could be a giant boar that makes you suck his cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| All he wants to do is hold a person down and fuck his face. | ||
| He's raping that mouth right now. | ||
| Yeah, he fucks it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He fucks that frog. | ||
| And then Fleshlight was born. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| And by the way, this is not the only time this has happened. | ||
| There's another video of a chimp fucking a frog. | ||
| Apparently when chimps get frogs, they fuck them. | ||
| That guy's beaten off using that frog. | ||
| This is some shit we never saw in Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. | ||
| They would have edited this out. | ||
| We need the internet to give us this information. | ||
| Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom would have you believe that chimps are cute friends to be taken with on rides in semis, on sitcoms. | ||
| This is what they are. | ||
| Chimp is busted. | ||
| I respect this chimp. | ||
| They're murderous frog rapers. | ||
| To be fair, I bet it does feel pretty decent. | ||
| Don't you feel better about your own impulsive nature when you see that? | ||
| I would try a snake, though. | ||
| Cut off the head and fuck the snake. | ||
| Not a bad idea, but the hole. | ||
| You need a hole. | ||
| Frogs have a nice big hole. | ||
| You know, if you can keep them from clamping down on your cock and balls. | ||
| And I think that maybe chimps probably have a much more leathery cock skin. | ||
| I think that was the whole idea in the beginning. | ||
| You know, we had more leathery cock skin, and then that's why the head retracted, you have the sensitive tip, and that's what makes you shoot. | ||
| But the average cock back in the day was probably a lot tougher than the cocks of today. | ||
| These fucking dicks today, they can't take... | ||
| Branches snapping into them or rubbing up against gravel while you fucking try to climb up the rocks at the beach. | ||
| No, these cocks today are weak. | ||
| Yeah, because you would fuck winches and you wouldn't wash it off. | ||
| Winches? | ||
| Is that what they used to be called? | ||
| Winch. | ||
| Not a winch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Winches? | |
| You don't fuck a winch. | ||
| A winch is a thing you put on the back of a truck to pull a log out of a ditch. | ||
| That's a winch. | ||
| A winch is, I think, because I got in trouble for saying winches on Fear Factor. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Were they black ones? | ||
| No, I was trying to motivate a girl, and she was on an all-girls fear factor, and there was these other girls that were saying, don't do it, don't do it, because she was scared, and so they were trying to make her more scared, and I said, hey, I go, listen, listen to me, don't listen to those catty wenches. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So what would a wench be today? | ||
| Like a hoe? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Apparently, what they said, the reason why I got in trouble is because apparently a wench is like a prostitute. | ||
| I mean, we're talking medieval time, folks. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Is that what it really means? | ||
| Doesn't it mean what it means in a cultural context? | ||
| In a cultural context where I grew up in Boston, a wench was a chick like, ah, he's a fucking wench. | ||
| It's like she was kind of a bitch. | ||
| She was like a little bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't think they've had wenches in Ohio. | ||
| And so a catty wench would not be a prostitute. | ||
| It would be a chick that talks too fucking much and is trying to damage a young lady's confidence in completing a challenge for $50,000. | ||
| Wench. | ||
| Catty wench. | ||
| But people get all upset. | ||
| Or they got all upset. | ||
| And this was back in the day. | ||
| This is a fear factor like season two or something like that. | ||
| It's not like today. | ||
| If you said anything like that today, you'd probably get arrested. | ||
| You know, somebody tweeted that Ari said on his recent podcast, Punch Drunk, that he doesn't believe half the stories I say. | ||
| Half the stories you say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I'm like, how would I make that shit up? | ||
| It's merely because you're a little awkward. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A little. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| And you've been known to tell a story a bit on the exaggerating side. | ||
| To make it more exciting, maybe. | ||
| Occasionally. | ||
| But it doesn't mean that the meme is still real. | ||
| You're not a liar. | ||
| I really think you just need to follow me around to these massage parlors and stuff if they don't believe me. | ||
| Yeah, you also live an extraordinary life sexually that I'm sure he's not really able to deal with now. | ||
| I just hate that. | ||
| Because he knew you back in the day when you were kind of a zero. | ||
| I just hate that shit. | ||
| Now you're a hero. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| I hate when, you know, stuff like that though. | ||
| Like, hey, if you really don't believe my stories, why don't you ask me? | ||
| Here's really what I think. | ||
| Why care? | ||
| Why does he care and why do you care? | ||
| You guys are friends. | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| It's an energy distraction. | ||
| It's not something to focus on for him or for you. | ||
| He shouldn't have focused on it. | ||
| You shouldn't have focused on it. | ||
| Sometimes you're on a podcast and you're ranting. | ||
| And he wants to keep it real. | ||
| And that's really what he thinks. | ||
| There's that too. | ||
| But it's unnecessary. | ||
| When you do that, especially with a friend, you put out a certain amount of energy. | ||
| You put out a certain thing. | ||
| You put it out there. | ||
| And then, okay, well then that has to be responded to. | ||
| Like it's being responded to now. | ||
| And he probably didn't even think about that when he did it. | ||
| But if he just said it, or if he just thought it, and then didn't say it, he'd be way better off. | ||
| Or if he wanted to talk to you about it, Just say, hey man, I just want to tell you. | ||
| Sometimes you tell stories and I think they're fucking... | ||
| I don't trust them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then I would say, what story, Ari? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, you do tell a squirrely story on occasion. | ||
| Tell me one. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| Because I could have people that were involved in the story there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| Listen. | ||
| Okay, well, that's even more ridiculous because you're saying you've never exaggerated or told the story a little squirrely. | ||
| I would have to have an example. | ||
| You dunked in high school? | ||
| No, never did it. | ||
| I'm saying, as an example, I would probably be prone to saying something like, yeah, that girl was fucking hot, man. | ||
| She was an LA-10. | ||
| When maybe she was a 7 or 8. Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| Slight exaggerations. | ||
| I appreciate it when someone tells me the truth. | ||
| Like, Ari would tell me the truth. | ||
| I'd go, what did she look like? | ||
| He'd go, LA6. Maybe. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He wouldn't say, oh, she was a 10. She's the greatest piece of ass ever. | ||
| You know, everybody appreciates that more than they appreciate exaggeration. | ||
| Because exaggeration, although I enjoy it, like Joey Diaz-style exaggeration is the greatest fucking thing on earth. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I mean, so in a way, it's hypocritical to say you don't enjoy exaggeration. | ||
| It's just saying you don't enjoy... | ||
| But, you know, Joey also tells a very honest story as well with the crazy exaggerations that you know are for comedic effect. | ||
| I mean, it's like part of the fun of it all. | ||
| But that's also part of, like, each of these people's nature. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, Ari is a guy who, he's not like, oh, I'm gonna add all this little spice to the story. | ||
| He doesn't like it when you do it either, man. | ||
| He's very specific. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He doesn't want you to bullshit him. | ||
| Because he's not a bullshitter. | ||
| But that's his own trip, too. | ||
| You know, his own trip is that he's very, like, focused and ambitious now. | ||
| And he doesn't want to hear any nonsense. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And that's because he's on a great groove right now. | ||
| He doesn't want anything getting hijacked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whether it's his time hijacked with a fake story or someone giving him a fake impression of what happened. | ||
| Another guy who you've witnessed make a huge crazy leap. | ||
| Dude, we were with Ari when Ari was first starting at the store. | ||
| I think when Ari came to the store, I hate that I don't know this, but I don't know if he started out. | ||
| I think he started out his first sets in DC, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think. | ||
| But then when he came over to DC Improv, right? | ||
| Because I remember him having a hard time for them taking him seriously. | ||
| Did you say Baltimore? | ||
| I thought he was from Baltimore, Maryland. | ||
| No, he's from Washington, D.C. It's close enough. | ||
| He's close, but he's not from Baltimore. | ||
| No, he's from Washington, D.C. He's from Maryland. | ||
| I mean, D.C. and Maryland, they're right next to each other. | ||
| And Virginia's right there, too. | ||
| Anyway, point being, he came over here when he was fairly new to comedy. | ||
| But he was a really smart dude. | ||
| He was always a smart dude. | ||
| We became friends immediately. | ||
| He was a young kid hanging out at the comedy store. | ||
| I remember at first, he was like... | ||
| Everybody's weird around people that are already successful when you're an amateur. | ||
| You can't believe you're allowed to even talk to them. | ||
| You get weird. | ||
| But then once you get past that weirdness, you realize, oh, that's just Tommy Lawrence. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| What's the fucking guy from In Living Color? | ||
| Tommy Davis. | ||
| Confusing with Joey Lawrence for some reason. | ||
| Because the first time I saw Joey Lawrence was one of the first celebrities I ever saw. | ||
| I was on the set of News Radio and Joey Lawrence had his show right next to our show. | ||
| He had his Mercedes there and he had his leg outside the car and he's singing along to his own song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like... | |
| I showed up and I was kind of starstruck. | ||
| I was like, holy shit, that's Joey Lawrence. | ||
| That's Joey Lawrence singing his own music by his own car. | ||
| Tommy Davidson was another one. | ||
| I remember first talking to Tommy Davidson at the comedy store. | ||
| Tommy Davidson was like, hey man, what's going on, man? | ||
| He didn't know who the fuck I was. | ||
| I was nobody. | ||
| When I first came to the store, I might have been a paid regular, but I might not have even been a paid regular yet. | ||
| And then I realized, oh, Tommy Davis is just a comic, you know? | ||
| Like, we're all just comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And then I always tried to be the same way with guys, young guys. | ||
| Like, young guys coming up. | ||
| I always tried to make sure I let them all know, like, we're all just the same fucking thing. | ||
| Just because that's Tim Allen. | ||
| Just because you see George Carlin over there. | ||
| He's a comic. | ||
| They're comics. | ||
| Everybody's cool here. | ||
| You know, this is a cool environment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Ari was like one of the first guys that I saw go from being like, you know, like an open miker to like a fucking legit headliner, like a real headliner who comes up with an hour's worth of new shit every year. | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was great at your thing for your dog. | ||
| He was killing us both, man. | ||
| Yeah, it was really funny. | ||
| We were in the back just fucking howling. | ||
| It's so important to have good comedy, man. | ||
| Without good comedy, our life would not be nearly as interesting, man. | ||
| It wouldn't be as interesting to perform because you'd be looking around at all this other stuff and you wouldn't be enjoying yourself. | ||
| It wouldn't be as interesting to watch. | ||
| Of course, your fucking clock is not right, Brian. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| The thing meows, but it's an hour behind you, fuck. | ||
| Looking at your clock, I'm like, why do I have to pee so bad? | ||
| I haven't even been sitting here that long. | ||
| I'm going to take a piss. | ||
| And don't let him talk about anything too silly when I'm gone. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Hey, no silliness, Brian. | ||
| So, Tommy, we should talk about your podcast. | ||
| You just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just... | |
| Alright, let's talk about something really silly. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oh my god, I got the silliest thing. | ||
| Poop update? | ||
| May 2nd I'm in Toronto and I'm doing this show at the Underground Comedy Club and then May 17th I'm in Portland and At the Fun House Lounge. | ||
| And we added a second show at 10.30. | ||
| How silly is that? | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'm going to be in May 3rd. | ||
| I'm going to be in Sacramento. | ||
| And then May 4th, I'm going to be in Sacramento. | ||
| And May 5th, I'm going to be at Cobbs in San Francisco. | ||
| And I'm bringing Sam Tripoli and Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Oh, this is silly. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| I was wondering... | ||
| Because you've been doing some shows with your lovely wife, Christina Pajewski. | ||
| Pajewski, yes. | ||
| And how did that go? | ||
| Do you see a future of you guys doing on the road a lot now? | ||
| That's what we're doing the 17th and 18th. | ||
| It has to be great. | ||
| We're doing Portland and Seattle. | ||
| Bro, together. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| It's going to be awesome. | ||
| See, this is a silly conversation. | ||
| And your dog Theo is now better. | ||
| Theo's coming with us. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| And he's doing much better. | ||
| Thanks again for doing the show, man. | ||
| It was awesome for you. | ||
| Yeah, that was really cool, man. | ||
| Actually, I met somebody from a bunch of people from Cartoon Network because of that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They were at the show? | ||
| They were at the show and they were like, oh, you were great. | ||
| And I'm going to go check out Cartoon Network Studios pretty soon. | ||
| And Maybe possibly pitch an idea to them. | ||
| That's a good idea, buddy. | ||
| Me and Joey Diaz's cats, maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I've got to talk to you about doing some shows that I think you would find fun and entertaining. | ||
| What are those? | ||
| No, dude, I don't believe in rabbits that talk. | ||
| Dude, rabbits that talk have been featured in many cartoons. | ||
| That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. | ||
| You believe ducks, but you don't believe rabbits. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| Rabbits don't talk. | ||
| They eat carrots. | ||
| Actually, I was really stoned, and I was reading about Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and how they edited out all these, like, the artist, like, you know, there's a scene where Jessica Rabbit pops out of the taxi, and you can see her vagina, and there's a few other scenes where, like, a baby looks up a dress, and there's drool coming out of the baby's mouth. | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Robert Fleischer? | ||
| No, the actor that's opposite Jessica Rabbit. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Bob... | ||
| No. | ||
| Haskins? | ||
| Bob Hoskins. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Hoskins. | ||
| So then I found out that the only version that you can find that part in the movie is on a Laserdisc version, and there's only one version of that Laserdisc, and so I went on eBay and bought it for $4. | ||
| Do you have a laser player? | ||
| I do, in Ohio. | ||
| Do you have to go back to Ohio to get it? | ||
| Yeah, to get it just so I can see her vagina. | ||
| How do you buy a laser player? | ||
| Because it's not like turntables. | ||
| They still have turntables. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, it's like literally the ones that are out there are the only ones that exist. | ||
| What's cool about the one I got is I got this really high tech like five disc changer slash laser disc player and I was like, this is like the best. | ||
| It was on clearance for some reason and then like two months later a DVD came out. | ||
| I was like, oh, goodbye. | ||
| Isn't it kind of fucked up that the real sound people, the sound freaks, say that music played over a record sounds the best? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| LaserDisc is better than DVD, but yet everyone went crazy on DVDs. | ||
| Is it way better? | ||
| Is it better than Blu-ray, though? | ||
| No, it's not better than Blu-ray. | ||
| Then suck it! | ||
| There's no argument there. | ||
| Suck! | ||
| Unless you have a laptop made by Apple who can't work out a deal with Sony. | ||
| I feel so weak when I see a fucking PC user whip out his Bluetooth or Blu-ray. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bluetooth? | |
| The Blu-ray players are in all the PC laptops? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of PC laptops have Blu-ray players. | ||
| Don't you Apple fanboy on me, you fuck! | ||
| I'm just saying, none of the laptops today have DVD players in them. | ||
| Because that's Blu-rays. | ||
| The only ones that don't are Apple ones. | ||
| Well, they're actually taking them out of most laptops nowadays. | ||
| You take them out? | ||
| Wait, why would you take them out? | ||
| Why would I take them out? | ||
| You take them out? | ||
| Is that what you said? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Modern laptops, like PC laptops. | ||
| I'm not up on that, but I did, when I was at my friend, the Google friend's house, I did see the Google laptop with the Chrome operating system. | ||
| I got to play with that. | ||
| Touchscreen laptop. | ||
| Yeah, but it's all non-local. | ||
| Everything's like stored in the cloud. | ||
| That's a horrible idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| That's what supposedly the next Xbox is supposed to be, where you don't buy games. | ||
| All your games are on a cloud. | ||
| So you can only play if you have an internet connection, which drives me fucking crazy. | ||
| Can you imagine sitting there going, I just want to play video games. | ||
| There's a storm. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You should be able to play if you're camping. | ||
| If you're camping, you set up a generator. | ||
| You shouldn't have to hook a fucking internet connection to it through your cell phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Imagine camping and you can't get away from your Xbox. | ||
| I'm such a second generation guy for that too. | ||
| I like people to buy that first one that needs all the work and then come through in the second. | ||
| Not me, my friend. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| You get everything. | ||
| I love your dedication to seeing the Jessica Rabbit snatch. | ||
| One of the episodes of this new show I'm doing is about computer simulation theory. | ||
| And one of the things I'm doing is I went down to a place that makes computer games. | ||
| They actually do 3D scanning and they scan my face and they're going to put me in this fake game that they created. | ||
| Dude, wait till you see this show. | ||
| This show, I'm getting to do so much cool shit, and most of it I can't talk about because I can't give away any secrets or any of the things that we found out. | ||
| But it's so much fun. | ||
| It's been really interesting because I'm getting to talk to all these experts. | ||
| I'm getting to talk to all these interesting, intelligent people and crazy people, too. | ||
| It's been a couple of months so far, or a couple of weeks, rather. | ||
| And in a couple of weeks, I've had so much fun, man. | ||
| I believe 100% in the simulation theory. | ||
| It's getting worse and worse and worse. | ||
| Why do you say that? | ||
| Like last night, I've been having problems with my website, so I call a dream host who serves it, and it's like 5 in the morning. | ||
| This girl lives in California. | ||
| She works from her house, and she's just helping me out. | ||
| And she wants to get your freak on? | ||
| Well, it's kind of funny you said that. | ||
| So I was watching this movie, Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie. | ||
| Ain't nobody got time for that. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Nobody's got time for that. | ||
| And so in the movie, they're in this mall. | ||
| And I always find places that have closed down interesting. | ||
| This whole mall is actually a real mall that's in Palm Springs and whatever. | ||
| So I'm researching this mall while I'm on hold trying to get to talk to this girl. | ||
| And I found out there's all these pictures of this big Marilyn Monroe statue where they took two parts of Marilyn Monroe and put it in front of this mall. | ||
| Somehow it came up with Google search. | ||
| And I'm just looking at this crazy Marilyn Monroe thing. | ||
| And then so I'm talking to this girl and the next day today I noticed that she follows me on Twitter or somebody from DreamHosts follows me on Twitter who's a girl and she writes me. | ||
| She's like, you got somebody on your side. | ||
| I'm helping you out right now. | ||
| I'm checking in and trying to help your website out. | ||
| So is her. | ||
| Direct message. | ||
| So I go through her photos because I'm going to see what she looks like. | ||
| One, she's a pretty Asian. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| So you started following her after she was following you? | ||
| Following me, right. | ||
| So I went through and I'm like, wow, she's a pretty Asian girl. | ||
| Like the fourth photo is her in front of that fucking Marilyn Monroe statue. | ||
| Never seen it my whole entire life. | ||
| And now this girl that's helping me out, this Asian girl that's helping me out on DreamHost. | ||
| Will you guys get shrimp therapy together? | ||
| In the next picture, if you backed up one further, you would see her fingering herself with a desk quad t-shirt on. | ||
| That's right, yeah. | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| This whole time that she's actually the one that hacked my computer. | ||
| Have you seen the pictures of Ronda Rousey with the Death Squad t-shirt on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| This is the fucking coolest thing ever, man. | ||
| That's very cool. | ||
| Seeing Ronda Rousey giving the thumbs up, the baddest chick on the planet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But by the way, there's a lot of badass chicks on the planet. | ||
| There's a gang of them, man. | ||
| There's some skillful women out there. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| This new fight that they have, the new episode of The Ultimate Fighter, With this girl Kat Zingano and Ronda Rousey together. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| She's so happy to be wearing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| She's so nice, man. | ||
| She wants to come on the podcast again, too. | ||
| She's going to be on somewhere after the beginning of May. | ||
| And look how badass she is. | ||
| She has a fucking bed in her kitchen. | ||
| That's the way to do it. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, she probably lives in a studio. | ||
| I mean, this is probably the same place. | ||
| She's one of those chicks that probably wants to keep it real, too. | ||
| I think, well, I don't want to say where she lives, but she's awesome. | ||
| She'll be back here again. | ||
| But she's fighting Kat Zingano, and they're going to coach against each other on The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| And Kat Zingano just beat Misha Tate, who's another beautiful, dangerous girl. | ||
| And Kat Zingano, too. | ||
| They're all, like, Pretty girls that can beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| It's really kind of scary. | ||
| But this Zingano chick is a beast, man. | ||
| She's so badass. | ||
| Her and Misha Tate fought, and the combination that she finished her with, dude, pull it up. | ||
| Kat Zingano versus Misha Tate. | ||
| The female fight, dude, I was watching it at my friend Aubrey's place. | ||
| The female fight was the highlight of the room. | ||
| We were going crazy. | ||
| It was me, my friend Aubrey, and a bunch of his buddies. | ||
| He had like five of his friends over. | ||
| And we were eating Mexican food and watching the fights, having a great fucking time. | ||
| But the room went nuts when the Misha Tate Katzingano fight was going down. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
| These girls were going off on each other, dude. | ||
| I mean, it seriously might have been one of the most entertaining fights I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You've got to see the finish. | ||
| Just look up the finish. | ||
| The whole fight was great. | ||
| And, you know, Misha Tate came really close to getting her in a heel hook. | ||
| There was, like, dominant grappling exchanges. | ||
| And, yeah, you don't want to watch all this stuff. | ||
| No, it's... | ||
| Although the actual fight parts are cut off YouTube, but I think they have, like, highlights right here. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is... | ||
| So they're showing you the highlight... | ||
| You don't have to play all this stuff because I hope it doesn't get us pulled off of YouTube or something like that. | ||
| But I probably won't. | ||
| I mean, I don't imagine it would. | ||
| Here, I'll just do picture and picture. | ||
| Did you just show the video? | ||
| Yeah, they beat the fuck out of each other, man. | ||
| It was nasty. | ||
| I mean, it was like such a tightly, tightly contested fight. | ||
| And really, Misha Tate was probably getting the better of it on the scorecards. | ||
| But the end of it... | ||
| Zingano hits her with that elbow and drops her, and referee Kim Winslow stops the fight. | ||
| She's a badass, man. | ||
| You remember the flying knee this week? | ||
| This is what excites me. | ||
| It's not that they're girls anymore. | ||
| It's now they're really highly skilled fighters. | ||
| They're not just women. | ||
| It's not just like, hey, girls can do it too. | ||
| It's like, no, these chicks are badass. | ||
| They're not half-assing it. | ||
| They're all going for it. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And now that Ronda Rousey has become so famous, it's like this is going to open the door to so many female athletes that have never even considered it before. | ||
| You start looking at it and you go, you know what? | ||
| I always wanted to kick a bitch's ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Strap them on. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| The show starts in 15 minutes. | ||
| Indeed it does, Brian. | ||
| And we would know much better if you had a fucking clock that was more accurate. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Silly bitch. | ||
| How dare you, you silly bitch. | ||
| Powerful kitty cat clock. | ||
| Tommy Segura. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| You are the champ. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| You're one of the greatest humans I've ever met on my planet. | ||
| Thanks, buddy. | ||
| You're a sweetheart, too, buddy. | ||
| I'm honored to be your friend. | ||
| Me, too, man. | ||
| You guys are the best. | ||
| I love coming on your show. | ||
| It's a lot of fun. | ||
| Well, we love you, too, as well, my friend. | ||
| And together, we are stronger. | ||
| We are. | ||
| We're like Genghis Khan. | ||
| We take one arrow, okay? | ||
| And you bring it in front of his troop and snap it. | ||
| Then you take a bundle of arrows. | ||
| And he couldn't snap it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just to let the troops know, together we are strong. | ||
| Together we are strong. | ||
| But divided, we are weak. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And I talked about this with you, and I talked about it with Christina a lot. | ||
| It was such a cool thing to have all of you, just as friends, come out and do our fundraiser for the dog. | ||
| It was just such a cool feeling for us to have all this support of you guys as friends just wanting to do it. | ||
| And then the crowd that night was just... | ||
| They were magic. | ||
| They're magic. | ||
| We love you guys, man. | ||
| It was awesome, man. | ||
| I couldn't love you any more than I do. | ||
| You're awesome. | ||
| We appreciate it. | ||
| We really appreciate it. | ||
| And we appreciate you too, man. | ||
| Look, we're all lucky. | ||
| We're all lucky bitches. | ||
| We're all lucky that we know each other and we've got a good group of people. | ||
| We're going to keep this party rolling, freaks. | ||
| Since there was no commercial coming in, there's none coming out. | ||
| Sockets! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla at your boy! | |
| Holla! | ||
| Jihad. | ||
| Hare Krishna. | ||
| God bless Duncan Trussell. | ||
| We love the fuck out of you all. | ||
| We all are one. | ||
| Together. | ||
| One for all. | ||
| Something like Robin Hood said. | ||
| Peace to the gods. | ||
| I'm Segura.com. | ||
| We love the shit out of you guys. | ||
| We'll see you Monday with Amy Schumer. | ||
| Powerful Amy Schumer. | ||
| See ya. | ||
| Love ya. |
Export Selection