April 22, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:32:51
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Oh, you dirty freaks. | ||
| It is Monday, April 22nd. | ||
| Two days after 420. And I'm here. | ||
| With my man Tony Hinchcliffe, who has never been an individual guest on the podcast before, but we've done podcasts before under the Ice House Chronicles, which, by the way, is available on the Death Squad label on iTunes, as well as the hilarious Kevin Pereira's podcast called Pointless. | ||
| Muff said, if you want to hear chicks talk about sucking dicks and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| That's video games and comic books. | ||
| That's not dicks sucking. | ||
| Oh, well, how about we just give them a little false advertising, Brian? | ||
| Maybe... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Maybe get more people. | ||
| Don't you know what this country runs on, son? | ||
| No, Muff said with, what's her face? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ryan Keely. | |
| Ryan Keely. | ||
| Very funny and talented, Ryan Keely. | ||
| And Brian also does a gang of shows, and he's doing some soon in San Francisco and Sacramento. | ||
| At the Punchline in Sacramento. | ||
| And with this man, Tony Hinchcliffe, he'll be there as well. | ||
| And where did we do, Indianapolis together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was fucking badass. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe's funny as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How is Tony on the road? | |
| It's great. | ||
| He cries when you fuck him, but... | ||
| But two legendary comedy clubs. | ||
| Sam Tripoli as well, our boy Sam Tripoli, who's one of my very good friends in comedy for many, many years. | ||
| He's a fucking beautiful human being. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| And very funny as well. | ||
| And so they are at Cobbs on Sunday, May 5th and May 3rd and 4th. | ||
| They're at the Punchline in Sacramento. | ||
| And if you've never been to the Punchline in Sacramento, if you've never been to a comedy club, The Punchline in Sacramento is like one of the perfect comedy clubs to go to because it's been around forever. | ||
| This is one of those places like, I don't remember the first time I worked there, but it was well over a decade ago. | ||
| It's a badass old school comedy club and some great, great, great comedy has been done on that stage. | ||
| Perfectly set up, really intimate seating. | ||
| So it's a badass place to see three very funny guys. | ||
| So May 3rd and 4th at The Punchline in Sacramento and May 5th at Cobb's in... | ||
| In San Francisco. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And there might be a surprise guest. | |
| There might not be though, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There might not be. | |
| Maybe AIDS gets stronger. | ||
| Maybe World War Z is for real. | ||
| But maybe there's going to be a big guest. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| A lot of times you can't say. | ||
| Because the reason being, say if you're doing a show like this, we might have a friend that's in town that says, hey, I want to do the show. | ||
| But they don't want to advertise because they have a committed gig within X amount of miles, within X amount of months. | ||
| And sometimes you're not supposed to say that you're doing a gig. | ||
| That's why if you go to... | ||
| Some guys used to always have a hard time with the comedy store for putting their name up there. | ||
| Because they would have a gig they were doing at a big place they were trying to sell tickets for. | ||
| So we'd have an arrangement. | ||
| So that's why I can't say. | ||
| But it might be someone very funny. | ||
| It might be somebody that hardly ever leaves L.A. and hardly ever leaves the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Wow. | ||
| This is exciting. | ||
| I want to know who it is. | ||
| Okay, I don't even know who the fuck it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you do. | |
| I think I do. | ||
| If it is who I think it is, he's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| At the comedy store, it means 80% awesome. | ||
| You know, even the 20% mediocre, it's probably better than what you got in your town anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So true. | ||
| Powerful Ryan Keeley, Muff said. | ||
| Alright, you guys, this podcast is brought to you by Ting. | ||
| I'm so glad that when we pick up a podcast sponsor, you're always like, oh, what if these guys are douchebags? | ||
| That's like a big fear when you take on a sponsor because I'm not a network. | ||
| I don't have a channel. | ||
| I'm just doing this thing and I'm trying to navigate all this stuff by myself. | ||
| My attitude with the whole thing was, I looked at it and I said, the most important thing, first of all, is that I don't feel douchey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, whatever we're selling, and everybody's like, then it's too late! | |
| Fucking alpha brain douchey! | ||
| I just want to make sure that what we're selling is a good product. | ||
| So I get all these emails and tweets, tweets especially sometimes, about Ting, about people saying how much money they're saving on Ting. | ||
| One guy, I talked about it a couple of weeks ago, he wrote that he chopped his bill down from 90 bucks to like 18. I don't know how the fuck he did it. | ||
| I don't know what he's doing. | ||
| That sounded completely outrageous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, my bill's been at about $25 a month. | |
| I mean, and I have to say that this is my second phone. | ||
| This is, you know, my massage parlor phone. | ||
| Would you say that you use it 50% as much as your other phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd probably say my other phone I use it 50% more. | |
| Maybe a little bit higher. | ||
| Maybe 60? | ||
| Maybe 60. So it would probably be the equivalent of $60, something like that? | ||
| Would you say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Does that make sense? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's still cheaper than right now. | ||
| I have the iPhone through AT&T as my main phone. | ||
| And that's about $110 a month. | ||
| Fucking very pricey. | ||
| What Ting does is, first of all, they use the Sprint network. | ||
| They don't have their own network. | ||
| They use one of the major networks in this country. | ||
| One that, you know, it's got 4G, it's excellent, and they also have the highest level, the most technologically advanced Android phones. | ||
| All these new fucking killer Android phones, like the Samsung Galaxy S3, And the Samsung Galaxy Note. | ||
| They have the Note 2 as well. | ||
| They're fucking incredible, these things. | ||
| It used to be like you really lost something if you didn't get an iPhone. | ||
| Like you really... | ||
| If you try to get one of those early Androids, they were dog shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had the first one with the Droids. | |
| They're so stupid. | ||
| Those things are horrible. | ||
| That and those BlackBerry touchscreens they used to have. | ||
| I used to have one of those. | ||
| The BlackBerry Storm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking storm of shit that was. | ||
| That was diarrhea on your head. | ||
| That stupid shitbag phone. | ||
| But these Samsung... | ||
| I have the Galaxy S3. It's fucking awesome. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's the coolest thing ever for looking at websites. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| And it's very fast as well. | ||
| The processor in it. | ||
| It's not only clunky. | ||
| Like the droids of old. | ||
| So anyway, the way Ting has it set up is they have no contracts. | ||
| So you buy a device, set it up. | ||
| Ting, you can go fuck yourself. | ||
| You can just cancel. | ||
| Not only that, they credit you on unused service. | ||
| If you use only a certain amount of your bill, they actually knock you down to the next level on your next bill. | ||
| And they credit you the difference. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Everything you could ask for from a big company. | ||
| Like, a company that's, I mean, they're not one of the bigger cell phone companies. | ||
| I mean, how many cell phone companies are there, actually? | ||
| It's really tough to think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, there's like the big five or whatever, you know, like T-Mobile, Verizon, AT&T. It's like, we generally thought of it like this. | |
| It's like Verizon, powerful. | ||
| AT&T, powerful. | ||
| T-Mobile, you're on a budget. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nowadays, though, it's crazy because T-Mobile's, you know, their new towers are pretty advanced and they don't have the fucking, you know, bandwidth hogs that, you know, AT&T and Verizon, their bandwidth, I mean, so many people are on their network. | ||
| When something goes down, half the people have Verizon or AT&T. They're not going to have cell phone service, but then you have T-Mobile guys that are like, oh, I'm fine. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| Sprint is a big one. | ||
| Joey Diaz has had Sprint forever. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| I've never had it other than this, but I've got no problems with it. | ||
| The whole idea behind Ting is that they're just going to offer you a service that's reasonable. | ||
| You don't have to get fucked over. | ||
| It doesn't have to be. | ||
| This idea that we all think that every company should try to squeeze every last dollar out of every last customer. | ||
| I think that shit's stupid. | ||
| And I think most people are realizing that as well. | ||
| So go to rogan.ting.com and you can save yourself $25 off of either a phone or service from a very cool company. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| So you have to ask yourself. | ||
| Do you want to make a website? | ||
| Bitch. | ||
| That's my question to you. | ||
| Bitch, do you want to make a website? | ||
| And if you do, let's get real. | ||
| You ain't going to learn no HTML. Okay? | ||
| You're not going to. | ||
| It's just not going to happen. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Let's be honest about another thing. | ||
| You don't need to. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You're going to really learn how to put all that shit in and it's going to be all fucked up and then you're going to try to Look at it on Windows Internet Explorer and it's going to look like shit. | ||
| But look, it works on Safari. | ||
| You don't have to do that anymore. | ||
| With Squarespace, you can go there and you can create your own website. | ||
| It's so easy that you can set up a store just like that. | ||
| Brian did it. | ||
| While we were doing the commercial, Brian registered a fucking thing on Squarespace. | ||
| Started... | ||
| What was it called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, that was a different website. | |
| That was Hover... | ||
| You did it for Squarespace, too. | ||
| No, I made a website, but you're thinking of I bought Dick Party in my mouth. | ||
| Oh, you bought Dick Party in my mouth. | ||
| Dot com. | ||
| But didn't you build a website with Squarespace? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I did a dolphin website. | |
| Sex Dolphin website. | ||
| I'm trying to do one right now. | ||
| Look, Brian is much more technically advanced or aware than I'll ever be. | ||
| He can throw one of these fucking things together very quickly. | ||
| And he did it through Squarespace while we're just all still doing a show as well. | ||
| It's super easy. | ||
| If you go to squarespace.com forward slash Joe... | ||
| You can sign up with no credit card needed and just try it out. | ||
| You can just start building a website and if you decide to purchase, use the offer code JOE4 and it's JOE and 4 for April. | ||
| That's all one word or one thing. | ||
| JOE4. And then you get 10% off your first purchase on new accounts and includes monthly and annual plans. | ||
| And again, that's squarespace.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| And if you're going to enter in the code, use the code Joe4. | ||
| Save yourself some shekels, son. | ||
| On your fat, juicy website. | ||
| It's... | ||
| Definitely, I can create a website on this in a way that I never could in real life, because I am just way too ADD for that shit. | ||
| I am not going to learn how to do that. | ||
| I have one where I'm trying to keep up with, but this looks even better. | ||
| It's dope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty easy. | |
| Super easy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Get it. | ||
| Suck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Delicious. | |
| We're also brought to you by Audible.com. | ||
| I was actually listening to... | ||
| Dude, you know who I got hooked on, man? | ||
| I'm hooked on... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Onyx. | |
| No. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I read super awesome. | ||
| Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Dude! | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Ever since we had that guy on the show, we had him on the podcast. | ||
| Guy was great to talk to. | ||
| Fascinating guy. | ||
| Really, really interesting, intelligent guy. | ||
| But when it comes to history, he's been putting together, like forever, he's been putting together these history podcasts And they're like a show. | ||
| It's not like a podcast, like this sloppy, unorganized mess that I try to fucking serve up to you fucks. | ||
| Dan Carlin puts on a goddamn show, and he puts it on in this really entertaining way and gives you this thorough history of all these events, but really exciting stuff. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You chatting with Kira? | ||
| Hi Kira, I'm single. | ||
| Hey dude, how dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you even give people the idea to do that? | |
| No! | ||
| Kira's gonna be super upset with you and probably sue this show. | ||
| What if Kira's like some super hardcore feminist and she's like, enough Joe Rogan! | ||
| Enough! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if she's in India fingering herself? | |
| Oh, easy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Over here with the fingers! | |
| I'm on Hardcore History. | ||
| I'm on The Mongols now. | ||
| He's got this... | ||
| I don't know how many parts it is. | ||
| I'm on Part 3. And it's fucking amazing. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| And it's available on Audible.com. | ||
| He's got all the back episodes. | ||
| I mean, he's been doing it since... | ||
| I think he said 2005. So, you know, this guy's got a solid eight years of podcasts under him. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And they're awesome. | ||
| I listened to one on Germany and World War II, the bombings of Europe. | ||
| He's so fucking cool to listen to. | ||
| It's really badass. | ||
| If you go to audible.com forward slash Joe, you can try Audible free for 30 days and get a free audio book. | ||
| Not just that, they also have stand-up comedy on there. | ||
| They have a huge selection of audio entertainment. | ||
| Not just books, but podcasts like Hardcore History and And so many other really interesting things to listen to, including our pals Opie and Anthony. | ||
| You can get that on Audible as well. | ||
| It's a cool service, and I've been a fan for years, and I'm a huge fan of audiobooks. | ||
| This hardcore history has been making my life, like, so much more interesting in the last couple days. | ||
| Like, when I get in my car, I'm not, like, thinking, oh, you know, I'm gonna get in my car and drive. | ||
| I'm probably getting stuck in traffic. | ||
| I'm gonna go, oh, let's hear more about the Mongols. | ||
| That's what I'm thinking. | ||
| It's just, Genghis Khan was a motherfucker! | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Dude, Genghis Khan killed almost 70 million people by some accounts. | ||
| Some accounts say more than that. | ||
| Some accounts say as little as 10 million. | ||
| Like, he definitely killed 10 million. | ||
| Goddamn! | ||
| That's unbelievable. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| They're talking about armies that were coming towards China, where the Mongols had been, and in the distance they thought they saw snow-covered mountains, but when they got close they realized they were mounds of bones. | ||
| The Mongols had killed 10 million people in this one town. | ||
| They came to this gigantic state and just killed 10 million people. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I mean, horrific, terrifying, just the idea that at one point in time, just in the 1200s, relatively short amount of time ago, there was a guy who brought a bunch of other dudes with him on horseback and just fucked up the whole world. | ||
| Banded together, took hostages, took the hostages, pushed them to the front lines so the hostages would literally lead the way and people would be defending their towns, having to shoot arrows at their own friends who had been kidnapped, their own loved ones, their own children. | ||
| The Mongols were fucking terrifying! | ||
| It's terrifying to think that just a thousand years ago, not even, there was a dude who figured out a way to get hundreds of thousands of mass murderers to work together. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of serial killers, hundreds of thousands of brutal rapists, hundreds of thousands of ruthless, remorseless murderers, and they got together on horseback. | ||
| That takes one convincing leader. | ||
| Goddamn Genghis Khan must have been a motherfucker, because there was nobody like that before and nobody like that since. | ||
| His sons tried to hang on to it for a little while, but... | ||
| The reign of power all really came through that one bad motherfucker. | ||
| They had a crazy saying that an armies of donkey led by a lion could conquer an army of lions led by a donkey. | ||
| They were all about tactics and they would beat much larger armies with superior strategy and cunning and just ruthlessness. | ||
| Just everybody was terrified of them. | ||
| They killed everybody, man. | ||
| Men, women, children, babies. | ||
| They didn't give a fuck. | ||
| They killed everybody. | ||
| They ate people. | ||
| They ate each other if they got too hungry. | ||
| They would draw straws, maybe, or figure out how they would figure out, you know, if someone was going to sacrifice themselves so that the army could go on and they would slaughter them and eat them and cook them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| That was only a thousand years ago! | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| You think anybody will ever pull that off again? | ||
| That kind of craziness? | ||
| That's terrifying to wonder. | ||
| I think if you had to worry about anything, it would be worry about all this beautiful city shit shutting down. | ||
| That's the real fear. | ||
| The real fear is we have some massive disaster like a solar flare. | ||
| That knocks out our power grid. | ||
| And our ability to pump gas is gone. | ||
| Our ability to drive back and forth to places is gone. | ||
| Our ability to get food to people is gone. | ||
| And then you realize how nutty we are spread out and how dangerous this is and how vulnerable we are living like this. | ||
| I think it would take something like that to bring people to some place where you could get that many psychopaths all together again. | ||
| Yeah, I think now that we have the internet, if the internet went down, I think shit would get crazy really quick. | ||
| Because everybody needs it and is used to it now. | ||
| Everything down to, you know, the GPS and just everything. | ||
| Yeah, we're terrified. | ||
| I'm terrified of leaving the house without my fucking cell phone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm a little bitch. | ||
| I'm a little bitch to the machine. | ||
| Speaking of machine, we're talking about the human machine, our last sponsor, Onnit.com. | ||
| We sell all kinds of cool shit to get your fitness on. | ||
| We've got kettlebells, battle ropes, the newest edition, weight vests. | ||
| No, that's not armor, Brian. | ||
| It's a weight vest. | ||
| It's not armor, even though it would probably protect you a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There we go. | |
| We also have steel maces and steel clubs. | ||
| These are not weapons. | ||
| These are designed for functional, athletic improvement. | ||
| All these things that we're selling, like kettlebells and battle ropes, they're all for what's best to develop what they call functional strength. | ||
| We have medicine balls as well. | ||
| Functional strength. | ||
| We sell a pull-up bar. | ||
| Functional strength. | ||
| The ability to move your body around as one unit is one of the most important aspects of fitness. | ||
| And one of the things that people screw up on is if they try to get in shape and they don't know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| They do like too many bicep curls or too many like bench presses and shit. | ||
| You know, you can whack your body out making it imbalanced. | ||
| It's one of the best ways to get fit, like a full body fit, is to do things that require you to use the body as one unit. | ||
| I'm obsessed with that. | ||
| Obviously, that's why I talk about it every week. | ||
| But I've seen massive improvements for my jujitsu. | ||
| Athletic benefits of training like this. | ||
| And I always encourage people to do it because it's really fun too. | ||
| And you can get a great workout literally in 20 minutes. | ||
| You can do a brutal kettlebell workout in 20 minutes. | ||
| Follow a DVD, the Keith Weber DVD that we have, the Extreme Kettlebell DVD. It's fucking awesome. | ||
| And follow 20 minutes of it. | ||
| You'll get crushed. | ||
| And you'll feel good. | ||
| You'll feel fantastic. | ||
| So go there. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Lots of different supplements we have now. | ||
| Vitamin C and L-lysine and we sell melatonin, spirulina, arctic cod liver oil. | ||
| We're trying to sell you just the best shit for your health and for fitness and things along those lines. | ||
| And if you use the code name Rogan, you will save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How long until you have like a health helmet? | |
| If it comes out, dude, we'll sell it. | ||
| If there's a health helmet that comes out that puts you in a healthy state of mind... | ||
| What if there was a helmet that came on that immediately felt like someone was sucking your dick? | ||
| How quick before they would make that illegal? | ||
| Like immediately. | ||
| Like they found a spot on your brain where they can jolt with electricity and it totally feels like someone's sucking your dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A helmet that helps your helmet. | |
| A helmet for your helmet. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Do you think women would make that illegal? | ||
| Or would it be men that make it illegal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'd bitch about it a lot. | |
| Men would make it illegal because they'd never get real blowjobs ever again. | ||
| Girls would be like, but just put the fucking helmet on. | ||
| God, why do you want me to do this? | ||
| It'd be a tough situation for women if the helmet worked that well. | ||
| Do you think they would lose a little bit of their value? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think guys would be walking around with these helmets on all the time. | ||
| Just be a normal thing. | ||
| How much time do you think it is before something like that is invented? | ||
| Something that can recreate an artificial experience, like almost exactly. | ||
| I'll bet you 15, 20 years. | ||
| I bet it's not that far away. | ||
| I bet you're right. | ||
| The way things are moving and shaking. | ||
| There's probably a bigger team of scientists on that right now than there is on cancer research. | ||
| I bet you're right. | ||
| Everybody's building the helmet. | ||
| Everybody wants to get their dick sucked, folks. | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| Onnit.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Cue the music, Brian. | ||
| Let's get this bitch started. | ||
| Boom, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Powerful Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| I love... | ||
| That's me. | ||
| That's the song. | ||
| That's the powerful Tony Hinchcliffe song. | ||
| I sing it like that. | ||
| I sing like a woman. | ||
| And then you go, that's me, like a little kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's me. | |
| Hey, everybody. | ||
| Somebody needs to put that on a loop when you have your own podcast. | ||
| When are you guys going to do a podcast together? | ||
| Why don't you guys... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We already are in the works. | |
| Oh, looky, looky. | ||
| Two weeks, I think we said. | ||
| It's in pre-production. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Niceness, niceness. | ||
| And Tony's going to be with me this Wednesday night at the Ice House. | ||
| You want to do the Ice House Wednesday night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| 10 o'clock? | ||
| Okay, Ron's going to be there too. | ||
| As well as Tom Segura and Burt Kreischer. | ||
| Oh, shit, bitches. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You heard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweet. | |
| That's right. | ||
| Tony is an up-and-coming young stand-up. | ||
| One of my favorite things in life, for real, this really is absolutely true, is when I don't know about someone and then I find out that they're funny. | ||
| I found out about you from Brian. | ||
| Brian told me about you. | ||
| And as a comedian, one of the things that every comedian always loves It's seeing a new comedian. | ||
| Like, someone new who's funny. | ||
| Like, there's another one! | ||
| Like, ooh, there's another one! | ||
| You know, and different styles and different takes. | ||
| But when they're funny, like, it's really, it gives you a lot of hope. | ||
| And I was in L.A. the entire time. | ||
| Like, you started comedy. | ||
| And then started getting a name for yourself and then eventually got to the point where you're regularly doing podcasts and comedy clubs. | ||
| So that's a really cool thing to see. | ||
| Yeah, it's really so much fun. | ||
| Pretty incredible. | ||
| So few people pull it off. | ||
| I love watching somebody who comes through, like some new person who's funny. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| It's just the coolest thing. | ||
| And like you said, everybody's a little bit different. | ||
| Everybody has their take on things. | ||
| When you find one, there's nothing cooler. | ||
| It's sort of like when you love comedy, it's like watching a baby being born. | ||
| Just like that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This person's hilarious. | ||
| And when you run into someone and you realize that They started out sucky, and you probably saw them during those first couple of months. | ||
| And then, within a couple of years, they become competent, and then, boom, they become really good. | ||
| Like, Ari is my favorite example. | ||
| I was there when Ari first got on stage. | ||
| One of his first sets, one of his earliest sets. | ||
| And, you know, we've watched him become like a real killer. | ||
| Like, Ari Shafir is like a real killer. | ||
| He did Tom Segura's party the other day. | ||
| Tom Segura had a benefit, rather, for his doggie. | ||
| He's got a sick doggie. | ||
| If you love dogs and you love Tom Segura, I don't know how you would donate. | ||
| I think they have like a PayPal thing or something, don't they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, just go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. | |
| Yourmomshousepodcast.com. | ||
| Tom Segura is just one of the coolest guys ever. | ||
| And he had this show, and Ari went up and fucking destroyed. | ||
| Destroyed. | ||
| With a bunch of shit that I hadn't heard before, too. | ||
| There was a couple bits that were really funny that were new. | ||
| He writes like a machine now. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| He's just coming up with so much content. | ||
| Yeah, and I think he also realizes at this time that he's like in. | ||
| He's like a real comic now. | ||
| Now it's just a matter of doing the work, and he's a smart dude. | ||
| He knows how to put it down. | ||
| He knows what needs to be done, and he can go get it done. | ||
| It's just, as a fan of comedy, it's so cool when someone pops up. | ||
| Here's another one. | ||
| I got really lucky with Ari because he was the first person to ask me to do a gig with him, him and Sam Tripoli. | ||
| So it was those two guys all of a sudden all at once. | ||
| I went to La Jolla with Sam first and then did a gig in Irvine with Ari. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| This is about 2008. Wow, that's so recently, dude. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Five years. | ||
| You don't think of it as being recently. | ||
| There was like a year or so that I was doing it before you even get a road gig like that. | ||
| You're just building it. | ||
| I was just riding my bicycle from open mic to open mic. | ||
| How many guys that started out with you, you know, we all have kind of like groups of people that we sort of start off around a similar time and then you watch each other either fall off or give up or some people get through the net. | ||
| How many people with your class do you think got through? | ||
| With my true class, I'd probably say about a good... | ||
| It's a tough one because we're still pooling, you know what I mean? | ||
| You still don't know who can make like a bit, throw a right hook right at the end before they drop out and have a new 15 minutes that crushes and it's a breakthrough. | ||
| But I'd probably guess about 7 or 10, right around there. | ||
| That's a good number. | ||
| Still doing it? | ||
| I mean, you know, I'm counting my original starting class as like a good... | ||
| You know, 60, 70, 80, 90 people because I know the... | ||
| I mean, I stayed in Hollywood and built in Hollywood, like Los Angeles. | ||
| Whereas I feel like a lot of people start somewhere and then come to LA. I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna... | ||
| I wanted to just have a... | ||
| Like an NBA-style perspective. | ||
| Like Chappelle once said, he was doing a spot on stage one night in the OR, really late, crushing, making it look like, I mean, it was just unbelievable. | ||
| And three or four hours in, he goes to the back of the room, he goes, hey, how many of you guys are LA Comics? | ||
| And a lot of people clap, and he goes, but how many of you are, like, work here at the Comedy Store and started here at the Comedy Store? | ||
| There was just two or three of us that collabed, and he goes, you guys are insane. | ||
| He was performing to a lot of comedians. | ||
| The thing with him coming back a few years ago was the audience that got to be there was there, but the back of the room filled up to the gills. | ||
| And he said that it's like learning how to dribble in the NBA, starting comedy at the Comedy Store. | ||
| And it's so true. | ||
| But if you think about that, start learning how to dribble in the NBA and you're just used to the motion of a thousand miles an hour, then... | ||
| It works out. | ||
| I think it's like anything else. | ||
| You know, it's a more difficult but also more rewarding pursuit. | ||
| You know, you can take an easy route through life or you can, you know, I mean, it's not as hard as being a Navy SEAL, let's be honest. | ||
| You know, even though doing comedy is hard and a lot of people don't ever figure it out, it's not nearly as hard as doing something you hate and being stuck working 40 hours a week at this job for the rest of your life until your heart stops beating because you have no passion. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I mean, it was a real struggle for a few years. | ||
| I really threw myself to the wolves. | ||
| I didn't have money saved up. | ||
| I was just doing it. | ||
| And then I got the job working at the Comedy Store a couple months in as a door guy, so I started getting spots a lot there, which is what I wanted. | ||
| You know what the problem with a story like yours is? | ||
| That it worked. | ||
| So there's a lot of other dudes out there that are willing to try that same thing, but they're not fucking funny at all. | ||
| Right, you know what's tough is I notice that a lot. | ||
| A lot of people come up to me and say, I'm thinking about starting stand-up, Tony. | ||
| You know, what do you think? | ||
| And sometimes they don't... | ||
| They just... | ||
| Sometimes I wonder, out of all the times I get asked this from somebody that wants to start stand-up, it's like, you have to really have a crazy mind ingrained in you. | ||
| It's not something you start and learn. | ||
| Like, I... I was in trouble every class in school. | ||
| Not once a day at school. | ||
| Like, every class, every teacher hated me. | ||
| I never touched it. | ||
| I was never, like, spilled milk on somebody. | ||
| I never did anything physical. | ||
| But verbally, I was just—it's what I did. | ||
| It was pretty crazy. | ||
| So you just always talked a lot of shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| To the extreme all the time. | ||
| That's like kid energy. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| That's not even now. | ||
| Even though I'm still young, I'm not half of the quick wit that I used to be before I realized. | ||
| Now I overthink it. | ||
| Was it a defense thing? | ||
| You learned it from your parents? | ||
| I learned it from you, Dad. | ||
| It's really an interesting situation. | ||
| The way I was raised was so weird. | ||
| I know it has something to do with that, because I have these four older brothers and sisters that are much older than me. | ||
| So it's like, I mean, it's 12 years between me and my closest sibling, and they're all much older. | ||
| Oh, wow, yeah. | ||
| So you're probably exposed to, like, they probably gave you a hard time. | ||
| They probably fucked with you. | ||
| They were actually all super cool. | ||
| They were actually super cool. | ||
| Sometimes I wonder how it didn't end up like that. | ||
| I mean, there were times, you know, there was the old, you know, you were adopted. | ||
| Why do you think you're... | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| When they're 12 years apart, I don't think you're actually going to get that because they're going to be sweet to you. | ||
| They're going to be, like, happy for their little brother and sister. | ||
| It's when you're two years apart. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've known a lot of brothers that beat the fuck out of each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen it happen. | ||
| Luckily with the age gap, like they were in college when I was, you know, in kindergarten and stuff. | ||
| What was interesting about that is I definitely think it played a role because I was hanging out with 20 year olds when I was a little kid. | ||
| And they probably thought it was really funny when you talked shit too. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| That was the whole thing. | ||
| That's what I would do. | ||
| I would talk shit and I would put on So you started off trying to be good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right, but then I just got good at being bad at magic. | ||
| Yeah, it's a funny thing when you see someone who grew up in a weird spot. | ||
| I think all of us, like every comic I know, grew up in some sort of a weird situation where some basic need wasn't fulfilled, so it creates this weird personality. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Even though I love comics... | ||
| When it doesn't create that weird personality, it just creates fucked up people. | ||
| If you don't put it to use creating something, that weird energy that comes out of a weird life, that shit will haunt you. | ||
| That can wreck your life if you're one of those really creative people or more impulsive people and doesn't do anything about it, doesn't focus it on something. | ||
| And that's an interesting point because with me, I didn't have any creative outlet until... | ||
| Like after high school, because the theater woman always wanted me to join theater. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I never did. | ||
| And I mean, the only outlet other than doing it in front of people all the time and just, you know, being me, I had nothing. | ||
| So then I spent a few years like, what am I? Because you don't know that... | ||
| If you're just a kid that loves making people laugh, that you can be a stand-up comedian. | ||
| When you're in Ohio, there's no... | ||
| People in LA are really lucky, or in New York, or around those areas, because there's comedy there. | ||
| At least you can stumble across a comedy club and go, hey, I wonder what's going on there? | ||
| I might go in there tonight, just one time. | ||
| First time I was ever at a comedy club was at the comedy store, and I had signed up for the open mic and gotten on. | ||
| So it was very grandiose. | ||
| It was like my heart was beating out of my chest. | ||
| I knew that it was something I was going to be doing forever no matter what happened. | ||
| You knew it? | ||
| You knew that it was something? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I definitely didn't know it the first time I went on stage. | ||
| I was scared shitless too, though. | ||
| Way more scared than I thought I was going to be. | ||
| Oh, it was unbelievable. | ||
| It was so creepy because what ended up happening was I blanked out and forgot everything. | ||
| That was the one time that I had a couple months to prepare for three minutes. | ||
| Did you bring notes on stage with you? | ||
| No, I've never liked having notes on stage with me. | ||
| That was a big thing, man. | ||
| Getting rid of your notes. | ||
| That was a big thing back in the day. | ||
| You going on stage with notes still? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because in the beginning, I definitely went on stage with notes when I first started doing it. | ||
| But I saw really good guys go on stage with notes when they were working on new shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It became part of the act. | ||
| They would let you know they were trying stuff out by looking down at the paper and stuff. | ||
| But you tried to do the first one free ball? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It went really bad. | ||
| And I somehow was just digging myself out by calling out how terrible it was. | ||
| I was basically saying, wow, I just blanked out. | ||
| And I've been getting ready for this for so long. | ||
| And so I just ended up doing what actually ended up sort of becoming my style, which is like calling out Whatever's happening in the room, except I was just joking about me bombing. | ||
| You kind of have to call out what's happening in the room, right? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And that's another good thing, rather, that the Comedy Store provides. | ||
| No crowd control. | ||
| Right. | ||
| None. | ||
| That place is... | ||
| Madness. | ||
| Any night could be madness. | ||
| Anything can happen at the Comedy Store. | ||
| For example, when we did that show in Indianapolis, and I came out, and I'm looking at the masses of people, but the first thing that I noticed to my left is this lady lit up next to the stage that's doing sign language to the audience, and I just couldn't help but to start It started just with, I've never performed in front of one of these people before. | ||
| I've always wondered what that would be like. | ||
| And then I'm noticing that she has to keep up with everything that I'm saying. | ||
| I went off on this whole run about it. | ||
| It was just so much fun for me. | ||
| And I could trust my instinct and just keep going with it. | ||
| I wouldn't have known to do that if I was just trying to just put on an act. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Which is also great, but I got to go off on a run there and I could trust that instinct. | ||
| By the end, I have her doing blowjob motions to her face because I realized that if I said the word blowjob, she has to do that. | ||
| Like a jerk-off on her face. | ||
| The jerk-off on the face, that's the sign language for that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is blowjob. | ||
| Or at least that's what she was doing. | ||
| Actually, it was a he because they switched halfway through. | ||
| It was a whole thing. | ||
| They switched? | ||
| The chick was like, enough with Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Did she quit? | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| How did she have a backup so close? | ||
| Maybe they get tired. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| Maybe you need really good hand cardio. | ||
| But it ended up being crazy. | ||
| I had a ton of tweets. | ||
| Indianapolis was so much fun and everybody was hashtagging sign language because I couldn't even believe what was going on. | ||
| Yeah, I did that once in San Francisco. | ||
| A guy brought his own Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and they sat right in the front row. | |
| Yeah, a guy brought his own sign person. | ||
| I was like, wow, that's pretty gangster. | ||
| Guy was deaf and he wanted to go see some comedy. | ||
| He's like, hey, tell me what they're saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a really nice guy. | ||
| That was a fun show. | ||
| I forget what he did because it was obviously a timing thing because he didn't talk. | ||
| But it was really funny. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| Like, you could tell the guy, like, really enjoyed stand-up comedy. | ||
| And even though he was deaf, he still understood, like, what, you know, he understood jokes. | ||
| It's gotta be weird, because he's only getting it, like, two-dimensionally. | ||
| If you don't hear it, man, you're missing so much. | ||
| There's a lot of guys, like Joey Diaz is a perfect example. | ||
| Half of what's funny is how he sounds like. | ||
| The way he sounds is the fucking intensity in his voice. | ||
| It's like when he hits those things, when he starts screaming about something, like... | ||
| He was screaming about, it's blue cheese with buffalo wings or go fuck your mother. | ||
| It was just fucking ranch dressing. | ||
| He went on this rant about ranch dressing. | ||
| And on paper, it's like, there's nothing funny about that at all. | ||
| But if you hear him, if you hear Joey and you see him do it, it was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| You can hear the passion that comes from deep... | ||
| But I mean, maybe this guy had like a deep sense of his own timing. | ||
| You know, he can interpret it in the funniest way. | ||
| Because he was obviously a fan of stand-up comedy enough to hire his own sign language person. | ||
| I've been at a college show once where they made them have sign language. | ||
| It was like part of the rules. | ||
| Like if someone spoke, they had to have someone there. | ||
| I always wondered, how complicated is that sign language? | ||
| I mean, it seems like... | ||
| It seemed really... | ||
| I was watching some parts of it, because at one point when you were on, I walked around and sort of was watching from this side ledge area, and I noticed that when you said the word at one point, black cock, this guy had to do this thing, where it was this giant, like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, that's the strap-on bit, right? | ||
| Well, it was when you were taking questions at the end, it was like you were talking about Dennis Rodman's Cock or something. | ||
| It was very improvised. | ||
| Oh, the King John Il thing. | ||
| But I was noticing this guy has to do this thing. | ||
| Black Cock in sign language is so stereotypical. | ||
| It's just giant and his hands were so far apart. | ||
| He was describing a tree stump or something like that. | ||
| I'm like, that's Black Cock in sign language? | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| That's what they would come up with. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| Yeah, so blowjob is this? | ||
| I don't know why it's down. | ||
| Why does it go down? | ||
| That seems awkward. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you're always on your knees. | |
| But that's an awkward angle. | ||
| How tall is this dude you blowing? | ||
| Oh, that is why it would be up. | ||
| I see. | ||
| You blowing a giant? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A child made sign language. | |
| You know, if so, get on a chair. | ||
| That's a ridiculous angle to have that, your standard angle for sucking dick. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't knock into your thigh. | |
| I love that. | ||
| You can't say that a second time though, Brian. | ||
| You almost killed someone the first time by saying it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It still makes me laugh just thinking about it. | |
| It was brilliant. | ||
| At the time, it was absolutely brilliant. | ||
| It was the perfect time. | ||
| If at first you don't succeed, thigh, thigh again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Two of you guys get a room. | ||
| Get a room, you fucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we're going to have to share a room when we're in San Francisco and Sacramento. | |
| I haven't shared a room since I was... | ||
| Why are you sharing rooms? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because... | |
| Listen, get your own rooms, you fucking weirdos, you grown men. | ||
| Stop pretending like you're in high school, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're going to get up to our dog, we're going to go fishing, we're going to get a hotel room together. | |
| Shut the fuck up, dude. | ||
| Get your own room, goddammit. | ||
| What is it, $30 a night, you cheap fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
$30 a night? | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| Have you seen the commercials? | ||
| We'll keep the light on for you. | ||
| $30 a night. | ||
| 30 bucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, we were talking about it on a recent podcast. | |
| I think you were there, Tony. | ||
| I think it was Ari was saying it. | ||
| He was talking about how funny it was going to the grocery store with you. | ||
| Because you'd be like, how much is macaroni or pasta sauce? | ||
|
unidentified
|
$20? | |
| What is toothpaste? | ||
| $2? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something like that. | |
| I don't know what anything costs. | ||
| I haven't forever. | ||
| Eddie Bravo always makes fun of it and says that I would be the worst person ever on the prices, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I literally don't know what anything costs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so funny. | |
| Hey, there's only room enough in my fucking head for so much shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I get you. | |
| There's no room for that. | ||
| I just got no room for... | ||
| As long as people aren't riding the streets over the price of toothpaste, if they are, then I'll start paying attention. | ||
| It's like, I got shit to do. | ||
| I can't be worrying about what shit costs. | ||
| As long as it's fairly reasonable. | ||
| But I have friends that are wealthy, and you'll hear them go, a steak for $39? | ||
| You're telling me that this steak costs $39? | ||
| Why is this steak $39? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| It's a number. | ||
| What does it even mean? | ||
| What the fuck is it even based on? | ||
| Just shut your mouth. | ||
| You're not broke. | ||
| Spend the $39, you cheap fuck, you whining asshole, you yammering fucking perspective lapping douchebag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get it together, you fuck. | |
| It's not even a real person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I went to that Morton's Steakhouse place. | |
| It's a wonderful place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I love it. | |
| It was the only place near me that had crab legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Since Vegas, I've been thinking about those crab legs from Vegas. | |
| From Nine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, from Nine, which is the most amazing place ever. | |
| I went there to get them, and a half pound was $65. | ||
| I was like, That's a lot. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| You get it and it's like four legs is what it was. | ||
| But did you watch that show where the dudes die and they get on those fucking crab boats? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I didn't. | |
| That's why it's so much. | ||
| It's because it's really hard to get. | ||
| That's where world deadliest catch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, this is what I was getting at. | |
| Then two days later, I was thinking like, I wanted more. | ||
| I wanted to eat a shitload of them. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So then I went to Olive Garden and they had to wait. | ||
| So I went to the place next door instead, which is like Outback Steakhouse. | ||
| And they had them there. | ||
| And they had a pound for $40. | ||
| And then you can add another half pound for $15. | ||
| So I got a pound and a half for the same price. | ||
| And it tasted pretty much exactly the same. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You could tell that it came out when you pulled it out. | ||
| It was a little harder, I guess. | ||
| Not as buttery and mushy as the other place, but still tastes exactly the same. | ||
| So you think they just overcooked it, maybe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think they were frozen, obviously. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You could probably tell the difference. | ||
| Well, I think they're all frozen, quite honestly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because they're coming from Alaska. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I was thinking that's why I went to Morton's, though, because I was like, oh, that place probably gets it. | |
| Well, they just know how to fucking do everything right. | ||
| There's certain places like, you know, Morton's. | ||
| There's that other one, Fleming's. | ||
| You ever eat at Fleming's? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a whole chain of those things. | ||
| They just know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| You know, I used to actually work at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| I know what you said, but I thought I sexually worked at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. | ||
| That's what I heard you say. | ||
| That too. | ||
| I was like, wait, what the fuck did he say? | ||
| And that place is nuts. | ||
| And then I realized it was a slurring or a... | ||
| I used to actually. | ||
| I sexually. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| I used to actually. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| If you ever heard someone speak in another language and they're just... | ||
| If you don't know what they're saying, you could never discern that there's more than one word going on there. | ||
| You don't know when one stops and another one ends. | ||
| That was a classic example. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's not a word. | ||
| It's like a Jeff Dunham bit or something. | ||
| No, not Jeff Dunham. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| It might be a redneck guy. | ||
| Foxworthy. | ||
| Jeff Foxworthy. | ||
| Doesn't he have a, like, he had, like, things he would write down, like, D-G-E-A-T-D-G! Like, there was, like, you know, there was, like, a redneck vocabulary. | ||
| Have you ever seen that show Swamp People where they're just alligator hunting? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Holy fuck, man. | ||
| I don't think I'm going to buy alligator shit anymore. | ||
| I don't like alligators, so I buy alligator skin things. | ||
| When I was a little kid, an alligator ate this lady's dog. | ||
| And I'll never forget that I lived there. | ||
| I lived in Gainesville, Florida. | ||
| And there was a place called Lake Alice. | ||
| And there's alligators there. | ||
| You'd see them all the time. | ||
| And I didn't think nothing of it because nobody was scared until one of them ate this lady's dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, oh, you motherfucker. | |
| But when you watch these people on these shows, these alligator hunting shows, first of all, you realize how many fucking alligators there are. | ||
| Because they're killing a shitload of them. | ||
| You know, they have like a tag that they can fill. | ||
| I don't remember what the guy was saying, but it was like, I think it was like 500 or something. | ||
| Let's find out alligator tag limits in Florida. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We didn't talk how was being in Texas during all that fucking bomb shit and fertilizer things. | |
| Crazy. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| We missed the fertilizer thing because I was only there for one day. | ||
| But the bomb shit, all of it is just... | ||
| The whole thing is... | ||
| When something like that happens, it's so fucking scary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know Katie? | |
| Waitress Katie from the Comedy Store? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Her cousins, like look at this photo right here. | |
| Here's the terrorist guy right here in the hat. | ||
| This is him dropping off the bomb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because this is the restaurant and he's walking the opposite way so that he must just dropped it off right there. | |
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's supposedly the kid that died. | |
| Oh God. | ||
| Here's her cousins all right over here and they all lost their limbs. | ||
| Oh God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And so they're gonna have like a benefit show soon. | |
| That's just a crazy picture, though, because it has it all together. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| No one knows any motive yet. | ||
| Where we're at now in the news, it's all purely speculation because the brother's dead, and the youngest brother, he got shot in the throat. | ||
| Apparently the only way he's communicating is writing things down. | ||
| How is something I just don't understand? | ||
| And of course, there's a million people online that are shouting out false flag, false flag, the government's trying to take our weapons away and tighten down security and that's why this is happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you read the kid's Twitter? | |
| I stayed up all night and read that shit. | ||
| His Twitter was spooky. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| Yeah, his Twitter was really spooky. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It seemed normal, but then he would throw in little things like fuck the police or something like Mohammed something type shit. | ||
| Well, I think if you're going to paraphrase a guy who's a fucking murderer, the least you could do is go to his Twitter page, you lazy fuck, and actually read the nutty tweets that the guy said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, I'm the most stress-free guy. | |
| That's what he said. | ||
| That was one of his tweets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why he said that. | |
| He goes, I'm mostly kind of a stress-free guy. | ||
| This is after he had blown people up. | ||
| Allegedly, of course. | ||
| This is the kid that survived. | ||
| The one that's dead, there's all these disputes about what happened to him. | ||
| Some people are saying the cops ran over him. | ||
| He's saying his brother ran over him. | ||
| The whole thing sounds like, and people are crying out conspiracy, but one thing you have to realize about information whenever there's a tragedy or whenever there's anything that's like really scary like this, you know, there's a terrorist bombing, is people panic. | ||
| And you get a whole bunch of different versions of the truth. | ||
| And it's not a conspiracy a lot of times, it's just no one knows what the fuck is going on, everybody's terrified, and stories spread very quickly. | ||
| Like, they thought at one point in time that one of the suspects was a missing university student from Brown. | ||
| And he was, I believe he was an Indian young man, and his family had been looking for him for like a month, and they distributed this video, and people were saying this is one of the suspects, that this is what happened, that he'd become like a jihadist and left. | ||
| But that wasn't true at all. | ||
| By the morning, we found out it was a totally different person. | ||
| So this isn't like a conspiracy to hide that information. | ||
| And I think that's really important when people are looking at events like this. | ||
| Wait till the dust settles. | ||
| Don't just start fucking... | ||
| Calling out conspiracy and calling out red flags and false flags, saying that it's some nefarious thing going on. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's horrific. | ||
| But jumping on the... | ||
| Immediate conspiracy bandwagon. | ||
| It's like, man, that is one of the worst things for the cause of questioning things. | ||
| And if you ever wanted to be a good disinformation agent, what you do is the moment that anything happens, start yelling and screaming that it's a conspiracy and expose every single aspect of it. | ||
| That you feel is corrupt. | ||
| That would be the best way for the government to protect themselves from any thoughts of being labeled, you know, as being a part of a conspiracy because there's so many nutty people that do that with every single event that it's like they've cried wolf, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was so nervous with Greg Fitzsimmons that night because he was actually down there doing shows and I text him and he said that and the shows were cancelled and he was just in his bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watching movies. | |
| The show's gotta cancel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That one night, I don't know if it was, was it Friday night? | |
| That was... | ||
| He flew all the way down there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That show was crazy, man. | ||
| Friday night, I was... | ||
| What was even crazier is how horrible CNN was. | ||
| They were like an hour and a half behind, but then you'd like, look, what was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hashtag Watertown? | |
| That jam... | ||
| It was just like, guy throwing grenades, this happening, this happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so insane reading that. | |
| And it was amazing how censored everything was or delayed it was on the news. | ||
| It was like, you think people are getting grenades thrown at them, that would be on the news immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they were just talking like, oh, we're still looking for this guy. | |
| It's incredible. | ||
| Everybody's a witness now and everybody's a cameraman now. | ||
| What's happening is... | ||
| People on the streets can beat the news because they're right there too. | ||
| But you also don't get a filter, meaning you don't get anyone correcting it either. | ||
| So it's interesting because you get instantaneous news, but you don't get it vetted. | ||
| People don't make sure that everything that's coming through is kosher. | ||
| Not that the news always gets it right. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| And I guess it's better to do it that way where it eventually sorts itself out. | ||
| But people that would step in and sabotage that process and create disinformation, like a government agency could be pretty fucking successful at doing that, I think. | ||
| And there's probably a bunch of people that are hired to do that shit all the time. | ||
| I've been accused of it myself, but I will tell you that it is incorrect. | ||
| And then I think, like in those Starsky and Hutch movies, like when someone would say, or a TV show, right? | ||
| Any cop show. | ||
| They used to have to, remember in the old days, like someone would say, if you're a cop, you got to tell me, like when someone's an undercover cop. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And remember, it was like, there was a secret password. | ||
| You got to ask them, are you a cop? | ||
| And they go, shit, yeah, I'm a cop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, man. | |
| I'm too smart for you, Jack. | ||
| You can't buy this heroin. | ||
| You know, there was like some magic word. | ||
| I think that was a creation of fiction. | ||
| Yeah, I think they changed that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people always thought that. | ||
| But, you know, that's probably some disinformation the cops put out. | ||
| There was an accusation recently that the DEA put out a false paper about them not being able to track people by using iMessage, because iMessage is over the internet. | ||
| And so there was an article on a tech site, like if you're planning to sell drugs, do it through iMessage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because the DEA says it can't read it. | ||
| And then, you know, the DEA's pressuring Apple. | ||
| But it turned out that was fake. | ||
| It was like the DEA made that to get a bunch of assholes that are drug dealers to go, your dog just, I messaged me. | ||
| I don't know what accent that is. | ||
| If that's your nationality, I apologize. | ||
| It was just a spur of the moment thing. | ||
| And it mean no disrespect. | ||
| But, you know, like... | ||
| The EA put out fake news to trick dummies into using iMessage to sell drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good idea. | |
| It is. | ||
| It's very crafty. | ||
| But it's one of those things where it gets to the point of, you know, that's not total entrapment. | ||
| That's just lying. | ||
| But what happens when you have undercover people? | ||
| When you have undercover people involved, those undercover people sell you coke and then you arrest them. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You know why it's crazy? | ||
| Because there's no real coke. | ||
| You're not selling them coke. | ||
| You're arresting them. | ||
| So you're saying that they wanted to buy coke. | ||
| But you weren't even really selling coke. | ||
| You just got them to act through the moments. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I never thought of it that way. | ||
| You got to talk through it. | ||
| There's no coke to buy. | ||
| There's no crime to commit. | ||
| They might have thought they were going to commit a crime. | ||
| But there was no real code. | ||
| They're not really buying anything. | ||
| You're not really selling anything. | ||
| There was no real transaction. | ||
| It's a fake transaction. | ||
| You're playing make-believe. | ||
| And that's fucked up. | ||
| Because you're also trying to arrest people. | ||
| Because the more people you arrest, the better your career looks. | ||
| So it becomes a quantifiable thing. | ||
| So you can talk someone into doing something illegal and then arrest them. | ||
| And then it helps you. | ||
| But that's crazy. | ||
| Because people talk to people in the suck of their dick. | ||
| People talk people into doing all sorts of stupid shit they didn't really want to do. | ||
| They just did because they got persuaded. | ||
| Because people could be persuasive. | ||
| So if you're some crazy sociopathic fuck that just so happens to be an undercover cop and you want to talk people into doing shit for you so you can arrest them, we need to put you in a cage. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You, you crazy fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Tony. | |
| Yeah, are you saying I'm an undercover cop? | ||
| No. | ||
| How'd you guys find out about that? | ||
| Well, the internet. | ||
| It's one of the first... | ||
| We had to vet it, but we just figured we'd run it by you first, see how you reacted. | ||
| Well, you know I have to tell you, once you bring it up, it's true. | ||
| I'm an undercover cop. | ||
| You know, it's just the whole idea that they can pretend to buy drugs from you and then arrest you. | ||
| It's like, what are you doing with it? | ||
| Why don't you go get a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop! | |
| Stop that. | ||
| You're selling fake drugs? | ||
| You're buying fake drugs? | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Just cut the shit. | ||
| Stop trying to trick people, okay? | ||
| Either you catch them or you don't. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Stop playing games, pretending you're criminals. | ||
| Either you catch them or you don't. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Can't we be, everybody be a superhero? | ||
| Superheroes don't pretend to be undercover drug lords and sell you fucking illegal guns and then arrest you. | ||
| Yeah, I think with the drugs it's good. | ||
| I think they should keep doing that predator thing though. | ||
| The drones? | ||
| No, the To Catch a Predator, like busting the guys that are trying to hook up with kids and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| That's different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Predator drones. | |
| Yeah, but even that, you know, what's fucked up about that is like, what if you got like a really weak dude and he's a pedophile and he's gone through like... | ||
| You know, counseling, and he's got, like, all this, you know, shit that's heavy in his head, but he's gonna figure out a way to never abuse again. | ||
| Like, he got out of jail, and he's trying to go through counseling, he's trying to straighten himself out, and then along comes that fucking To Catch a Predator show, and they just troll his ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| I don't know how they get people to get into their site and chat with them and shit like that. | ||
| I don't know what those people say back. | ||
| I don't know what they get to say back, but... | ||
| Well, sometimes, you know, they have the kid being extra teasy. | ||
| It is sort of... | ||
| Hey, there's a party. | ||
| It's so fucked up. | ||
| I'm having a party. | ||
| I'm making cookies. | ||
| Can you bring, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you want some sweet tea? | |
| There's always sweet tea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have some sweet tea. | |
| Something about sweet tea makes you want to suck dick. | ||
| There's some cookies on the table. | ||
| I'll be right out. | ||
| And then that... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Chris Hansen. | ||
| Powerful Chris Hansen. | ||
| How many crazy people has that guy met? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they still do that? | |
| Poor, nutty people. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think they got in trouble. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| See, a lot of what they did... | ||
| First of all, I think you have to get people to sign releases... | ||
| To air that stuff. | ||
| I don't know how they got anybody to sign a release. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| How did they do that? | ||
| They probably covered their costs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Their lawyers. | |
| Everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Because it's worth it to them to have a hit. | ||
| We're just totally speculating. | ||
| This is no better than anyone. | ||
| So why don't we look that up real quick. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| How did To Catch a Predator... | ||
| What do you think I should Google? | ||
| How did To Catch a Predator get them to sign waivers? | ||
| Sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch what you Google, man. | |
| You don't want that in your Google records. | ||
| Yeah, no kidding, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, what was up with you in the Google Glasses, man? | |
| I saw... | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you just call me honey? | |
| Honey, sweetie pie. | ||
| How did To Catch a Predator get them to sign waivers? | ||
| Yeah, you could get in trouble for looking too much into Catch a Predator. | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| Trying to avoid being busted? | ||
| I was thinking about that the other day. | ||
| How do you even know what's going on if you can't Google certain things? | ||
| I was thinking of looking up how to make a bomb just to see if that's out there. | ||
| Nobody knows if that's out there if you don't Google it and everybody's afraid to Google it. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you do it? | |
| No, I didn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want anything to happen to me. | |
| Which is why I think it left an impression. | ||
| It was something I was curious about. | ||
| I wish there was a thing you could Google where it's like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just don't get it. | ||
| But it seems like any crazy could... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The internet's powerful. | ||
| The scariest thing about shows like Catch a Predator is you see that these guys are broken. | ||
| You see they're horrified when they get caught. | ||
| You see they know that it's fucked up. | ||
| It's not like they're these remorseless, cold, insensitive, unfeeling... | ||
| They're not scared when they get caught. | ||
| These guys fall apart. | ||
| You can see they're horrified at who they are. | ||
| It's really... | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It's scary to see. | ||
| Because it's like a glimpse into madness. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That guy, Chris Hansen... | ||
| I guarantee you... | ||
| Now, this sounds like some hippie bullshit... | ||
| But being around people that are that fucked up on a regular basis... | ||
| And broadcasting them... | ||
| And paying your bills based on broadcasting them... | ||
| Under the guise, I guess, you're pulling these people off the street, and that's always a good thing. | ||
| Well, you know what happened to him, right? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Was it he got caught cheating on his wife or something? | ||
| It was some big media thing. | ||
| Yeah, he got investigated with a camera. | ||
| He was out with another bone mound. | ||
| I mean, look, I don't know what the fuck the guy's marriage was like. | ||
| I don't want to crack on the guy for that. | ||
| I think there's a big difference between that and some fucking child, some consensual... | ||
| Shit he did with his secretary or whoever that freak is. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I hate him for that. | ||
| But being around all those people that were kid fuckers, man. | ||
| That's got to wear on your soul. | ||
| That's got to wear on your soul to just even see these people over and over again and being in their presence when you know most of them are probably... | ||
| I mean, I guess this isn't their first time. | ||
| I would assume this isn't their first time. | ||
| They probably already had sex with young kids already. | ||
| So you watch that, it's got to be a really depressing view of the world. | ||
| There's only so many different things you can expose yourself to in a 24-hour time period, and you've got 365 of those 24-hour time periods in a year, and you've got 100 of those years if you keep your shit together, but most likely no. | ||
| And you're going to spend time hanging around pedophiles all the time? | ||
| And it's one thing if you're a guy and that's your job to pull them off the street, but I'm not exactly sure what good it does making a show out of that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Except scare the fuck out of everybody and make us aware. | ||
| But I feel like, you know, not that I mind them being outed because it's such a heinous crime against humanity, but man, it seems like a fucked up thing to broadcast, you know? | ||
| It's like, what do we want to concentrate on? | ||
| It's one thing to work on cleaning that up, but as a piece of entertainment programming, you're going to concentrate on someone who wants to victimize children, and you're just going to focus on that a lot. | ||
| I think it was a hit because, you know, they're the ultimate bad guys. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So you're looking at the villain of all villains. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No matter how fucked up your own life is, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody's lower than a child molester. | ||
| Everybody can go, that fucking piece of shit. | ||
| That fucking piece. | ||
| You get to be on the couch picking your fat toes, smoking a cigarette. | ||
| You're sitting there just picking dry skin out of your toes and just dropping it on the floor. | ||
| Oh, this motherfucker. | ||
| That piece of shit. | ||
| I hope he rots. | ||
| I hope he rots in jail. | ||
| Death is too good for him. | ||
| I hope he rots in jail. | ||
| You know what they do to child molesters? | ||
| They get him in there. | ||
| This person, this fucking wretched, stupid human being is barely an ape. | ||
| I get the shit on this child molester and feel better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That voice grosses me out. | |
| That Boston lady? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I feel bad. | ||
| I shouldn't do it. | ||
| I'm from Boston. | ||
| Boston is in a bad position right now. | ||
| I just don't, you know, this Boston thing. | ||
| One of the things that is fascinating is that There was a thing about how they weren't going to read him his rights. | ||
| This thing about whether or not they were going to try him as an enemy combatant or try him as a civilian. | ||
| It's really fascinating that that's becoming a real issue. | ||
| The way they decide to approach it. | ||
| Is this guy an American that we're going to try as an American? | ||
| When someone commits any form of terrorism, are they instantly just out of the club, or do we try them as one of us? | ||
| Is it a war thing? | ||
| Are we at war? | ||
| How are we going to go forward in this? | ||
| Yeah, it's interesting. | ||
| It's interesting the way we label things, you know? | ||
| And it's interesting, okay, any conspiracy theory aside, that all these nutty ideas that are floating around, one thing we know for sure, there was bombs that a person put in place that killed a bunch of people that didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| And we have to figure out how the fuck that happens. | ||
| And I know that sounds super simplistic, but as a human, as a species that's evolving, clearly, as we were talking about the Mongols earlier, and like what they used to do a thousand years ago, like our most heinous acts pale in comparison to those of our ancestors. | ||
| But when something like this happens, you realize that people are still capable Of such embarrassing, ruthless stupidity, arrogance, and just horrific insensitivity towards their fellow man. | ||
| The idea that you could just take a bunch of people you don't know and kill them and maim them and you just were in the wrong spot at the wrong time and I got a message. | ||
| And there's only one thing that gets people to do that, folks, by the way. | ||
| And that's an ideology. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It could either be a religion or it could be a cult or it can be, you know, some group that you belong to that's sworn allegiance to a certain code or set of rules. | ||
| But that's the only way you get people to do shit like that. | ||
| If they don't have an ideology, they just don't do that. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| There's no evolutionary benefit to doing that other than pleasing a group of other like-minded psychopaths. | ||
| Someone, you have to be Amongst a group of people that have very specific beliefs that above all else take precedent so that you're willing to put your humanity aside for your crazy beliefs in a completely irrational display of destructive power and that you can kill innocents. | ||
| That only comes from ideology and we get really lost when we start talking about Religious freedom and religion and, you know, and atheists are guilty of this just as much as really religious people are. | ||
| Because whether you call it being a Muslim, whether you call it being a Buddhist, whether you call it being a vegan, whether you call it being a Christian, whether you call it being a Republican, whether you call it being a Democrat, whether you call it being a progressive, when you lock yourself in anything, you become a part of something that's almost been decided for you. | ||
| You lock into a pre Arrange set of opinions on things and some of them are batshit fucking crazy and just like the Mongols got a hundred thousand motherfuckers to roam across Russia and Europe and China and slaughter millions of people you can't do that unless you got a cause you can't do that unless you're part of a group you can't do that unless your group is separate from the | ||
| other groups And the only way that ever works is someone's got to talk you into that shit. | ||
| You've got to be a part of something. | ||
| And with this kid, apparently, the one that they're saying did it. | ||
| He was a pretty radical, religious young man. | ||
| Now, whether or not that's true, who knows? | ||
| It has to be. | ||
| It seems to be the one thing that all these people have in common. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think the false flag people are thinking that Somebody gave them all this stuff and that they were talked into doing it and that it was a plan to erode civil liberties, that they would sacrifice a few Americans and clamp down on laws. | ||
| This really is classically what military leaders have been doing since the beginning of time. | ||
| Like we were talking about, armies in the past would actually sacrifice soldiers and slaughter them so that the rest of the people could eat. | ||
| They would cannibalize themselves. | ||
| They had to talk somebody into doing something like that. | ||
| The first time somebody does that, it's super awkward. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's hard to believe that in this day and age, if you look at how amazing humans are capable of being, here's a perfect example. | ||
| Oprah. | ||
| No, I know Brian doesn't like my love for Oprah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that your love for Oprah. | |
| I think it's funny stuff. | ||
| Brian, he goofs on me. | ||
| But it's an honest appreciation for what she does because Oprah, like, you know, I had a friend who worked for her and he was like, man, she's like super, um, do you got to pee? | ||
| You weak bitch. | ||
| Barely an hour in. | ||
| How the fuck are you going to try to be a stand-up comedian? | ||
| Can't even... | ||
| Go two hours without peeing. | ||
| My friend was like, he worked for her, and he was like, wow, she's intense. | ||
| She has an idea of what she wants, and she gets it done. | ||
| I think he was probably intimidated by it, too, because he was working for her. | ||
| Stop and think about how much nice that lady does. | ||
| That lady is so nice. | ||
| All those women that come to her show, they feel great. | ||
| Everybody leaves positive. | ||
| I was reading this thing the other day on negative energy. | ||
| There was some sort of a study that actually showed that negative energy is contagious. | ||
| If you're hanging around people that are negative, it doesn't just affect you when you communicate with them. | ||
| It becomes a part of the way you communicate as well. | ||
| It becomes contagious. | ||
| One super aggressive, contagious, negative person can actually affect a company. | ||
| I think that's why it's important that, I mean, companies have been really focused on that. | ||
| I think ones that are really aware of the social structure within their organization, they want to make sure that you don't get, like, a really negative, downer-type person in any sort of a role. | ||
| Because if you get them, you know, they can really infect, like, if they're, especially if you had some guy, like, you're working on a big project, you got some one guy who's leading it, and he's a douchebag, and everybody shows up at work, like, ugh! | ||
| There's very few things in life worse than being stuck, like working in a job that sucks with a boss who's an asshole, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are all bosses mostly assholes too? | |
| It's hard to get people to listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I look back at all the jobs I've ever had. | |
| And the majority, they were always the assholes. | ||
| They were never the people you hung out with or wanted to hang out with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were always the assholes. | |
| I was always a terrible employee. | ||
| So I think any time a boss got mad at me, I totally deserved it. | ||
| I did a shit job mowing lawns when I was You know, a landscaper. | ||
| I remember the guy hired me. | ||
| I fucking scalped this lawn. | ||
| I didn't know how to work a lawnmower. | ||
| I lied, just so I could get the job. | ||
| Like, my friend did it, and he said, you could do it easy. | ||
| It's not hard, but it was hard. | ||
| The first time we did it, it was kind of hard to figure out. | ||
| These are old, shitty lawnmowers, you know, and I scalped the shit out of this lawn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking hate mowing lawns. | |
| Don't you hate it? | ||
| That used to be torture back as a child. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But when I was in high school, my friend Chris, he – one of the things about Boston, about growing up in Boston, Boston is like a really – they have a lot of ingenuity. | ||
| There's a lot of like – people get shit done. | ||
| There's like a strong work ethic there. | ||
| Like, clearly, way stronger work ethic than I ever experienced here in California. | ||
| Like, people are so used to getting up in the morning, shoveling their car out from the snow. | ||
| They're used to shit. | ||
| Like, it's a different kind of, like, there's a different kind of, like, mentality there, you know? | ||
| And if you grow up there, you grow... | ||
| I forget what we were talking about. | ||
| I had an example. | ||
| What were we talking about just before that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I had a point and I completely lost it in trying to figure out why it is. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't take your alpha brain today. | |
| I didn't. | ||
| I took it, but not until right before the show. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mowing lawns. | |
| Oprah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's passed over, dude. | ||
| It was the mowing lawns thing. | ||
| It was about... | ||
| Oh, my friend Chris. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| When I was in high school, this is what it was. | ||
| When everybody else was like, you know, I had a job at like Papa Gino's and shit. | ||
| I was like making spaghetti and it was like... | ||
| Pretty easy. | ||
| Boring job. | ||
| This kid had a lawnmower empire. | ||
| He had a landscaping empire. | ||
| He had a brand new car. | ||
| He had people working for him. | ||
| He had lawns that were going while he was at school. | ||
| He had guys working for him. | ||
| They were cutting lawns while he was at school. | ||
| And he would come home and he would go and work till night time and then show up and work the next day. | ||
| He always had new sneakers on. | ||
| He was like a grown man by the time we were 17. This fucking kid. | ||
| I'd never been around more people that made me feel like a lazy bitch. | ||
| There was so many dudes, like my friend Jimmy, that I used to love, Jimmy Dutileo. | ||
| This guy, like, he had, from the time he was in high school, he had his own electrical business. | ||
| He worked for a guy for a little while, started doing work on the side. | ||
| By the time he got out of high school, the dude's got his own business. | ||
| He's just busting ass 10, 12 hours a day, driving around like a maniac. | ||
| When you're around people like that, you develop that sort of tenacity. | ||
| That exists in not a lot of spots in this country. | ||
| I think that dealing with environmental conditions, there's something about that. | ||
| That's why people from New York tend to be funnier. | ||
| People from Boston tend to be funnier. | ||
| It's because they're dealing with so much bullshit all the time. | ||
| Oh, definitely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Kim Trails. | |
| Kim Trails. | ||
| I definitely think where you're raised... | ||
| Where you're coming up with that. | ||
| Where you're raised has a lot to do with that type of crazy factor of your communication skills, really. | ||
| I think it's down to small talk. | ||
| If the city that you're raised in, it rains a lot, you're going to end up having to talk with your friends more. | ||
| Or if it snows a lot, if it rains a lot, if it's a windy city, things like that. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| And I think those things really apply. | ||
| Yeah, socially, for sure, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In California, you could sleep outside and live. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ohio, you drank, got drunk, and just partied and talked on the porch while smoking cigarettes. | |
| That's it. | ||
| Don't you think that Ohio of today, growing up in the same place where you grew up, would be very different because of the internet? | ||
| Because kids growing up with the internet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Be a lot more tolerable, that's for sure. | |
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a totally different world now. | ||
| The whole world all of a sudden got lights turned on everywhere. | ||
| Lights turned on and the news started showing up. | ||
| All the information started flowing, whereas before you relied on local newspapers and fucking TV news. | ||
| Bitch, how the fuck did you know what was going on? | ||
| How did anybody know what was going on back then? | ||
| Man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did anybody know? | ||
| So I think they're saying that there's certain laws that apply to pedophiles. | ||
| That's why those guys were allowed to be put on that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And there's a reason why they quit. | |
| A guy killed himself while filming it. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of the suspects. | |
| Somebody tweeted it. | ||
| Well, if they were being honest, wouldn't they say, good riddance. | ||
| See you next week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they would show it. | |
| I mean, are they trying to get rid of predators? | ||
| They're trying to catch them. | ||
| It's bad if they commit suicide? | ||
| Well, we're all God's creatures, even the ones that fuck kids. | ||
| I mean, what is that? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Wow, they got sued for $105 million. | ||
| Why don't they just come clean and give the guys a gun on the show? | ||
| And go, listen, sir, there's a bullet in that gun, put it up to your head, fuck this trial, and we'll pay for your funeral. | ||
| And we'll, you know. | ||
| That'd be the most watched reality program. | ||
| And then as soon as he blows his brains, I'll go, psych! | ||
| Film it. | ||
| Get a close-up on him. | ||
| We're out. | ||
| Just get out of there. | ||
| Just leave him there. | ||
| Put it on TV. No one's going to know. | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
| Are the cops going to sue NBC? Are they going to bring him in for questioning? | ||
| Look, you saw what happened. | ||
| The guy fucks kids. | ||
| We gave him a gun. | ||
| Okay, we're good here, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Would that be illegal? | ||
| I would say yes. | ||
| Especially if the guy didn't have a gun permit. | ||
| I guess it really depends on the gun law. | ||
| Maybe you could do it if you gave him the gun and said, whatever you do, do not shoot yourself in the head right now on TV. Give him a little smile and a wink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was this weird comic at the store last night. | |
| Do you remember this, Tony? | ||
| There was some Norwegian... | ||
| I did something for Michael Jackson or something, but he had this huge Wikipedia that just goes off about how brilliant this guy is and how much money he has. | ||
| Oh, did he write his own Wikipedia? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe, but he's connected to a lot of these TV shows and stuff. | |
| But anyways, his wife comes up to me and goes, Hey, fat man, come here, fat man. | ||
| And it was right in front of you. | ||
| I do know who you're talking about. | ||
| And she was trying to tell me that he has this nice house up here, and pretty much she was trying to get me to come back to their house. | ||
| For an orgy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What it seemed like. | |
| She wanted you, well, it's probably what they feel like Hollywood's about. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, if I am going to make it here, you have to give up the pussy. | |
| Listen, we need orgies all the time. | ||
| Norway? | ||
| It's the only way to make it as a comedian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so weird. | |
| Yeah, that's a pretty odd story there, fella. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then she's showing me these photos in her phone. | |
| She's like, look at the parties we have! | ||
| And it's just her and this other girl in the bikinis. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| She's a comedian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| She's the wife. | ||
| Oh, the wife. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And she's just going around the whole place Bragging about her husband, how much millions of dollars he makes. | ||
| She was very cute, but this guy looked like a baron. | ||
| He's a bigger guy with a suit that's like four sizes too small. | ||
| They were probably bull CIA. You guys are getting slowly worked. | ||
| They're slowly going to make it into the organization. | ||
| They were looking into this whole death squad thing. | ||
| They're like, what is death squad? | ||
| Do we have to worry about them? | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| So you're the guy that they wanted to take up there and show the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she was... | |
| They were gonna drug you and hit you with some fucking... | ||
| some hypnosis. | ||
| Europeans just... | ||
| they just don't have like normal sex. | ||
| He's gonna be some Manchurian candidate type dude. | ||
| That's what's gonna happen. | ||
| CIA dude's gonna drop a nano pill in his drink. | ||
| That silly bitch, he'll be hammered. | ||
| He'll drink anything he'd send his way. | ||
| You know what's also weird is that lady that drives around in that pink Corvette. | ||
| I saw her yesterday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This was my point. | |
| Not yesterday, excuse me. | ||
| Last week. | ||
| This was my point, that I see her maybe once a week, and it's always random places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I'll see her in Hollywood once, and I see her a lot around here. | |
| Explain, tell people what she is. | ||
| She used to be like a rich wife, I guess, that would post photos or these billboards all over, just kind of promoting her. | ||
| And I don't think she really had... | ||
| Well, that's one way of describing it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think she really had anything going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She just had a lot of money to play with. | |
| And so she pretty much made her seem like she was a big deal when she really wasn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was just a rich wife. | |
| Yeah, well, the billboards were these giant billboards that say Angeline on them in big letters. | ||
| Like, whoa, it's Angeline. | ||
| And she's this really pale lady with giant tits. | ||
| And she looks a little odd. | ||
| She looks really photoshopped, really brightly lit. | ||
| It's really hard to discern key features. | ||
| Because apparently she's very old. | ||
| And when I came to LA in 94, she had big billboards all around town, like several of them, that said Angeline. | ||
| It was just her and then her management's number. | ||
| It was her in her underwear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was really hot, actually. | |
| Yeah, it was kind of crazy. | ||
| Because, you know, she had a really nice body, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like, what's her face? | |
| Dolly Parton. | ||
| Yeah, but by the time she was doing this, I mean, who knows how old she was in that picture, but the one that you see today bears no resemblance. | ||
| Yeah, I had no idea who she was, and we were shooting something at Hollywood and Highland one night in that crazy, like, area. | ||
| And all of a sudden she pulls up and people were like, oh my god, there's Angeline! | ||
| And it took, I had no idea who this was and it took like four people 20 minutes to be able to explain to me what the big thing with her. | ||
| But in LA she's like an icon. | ||
| She's probably 60 years old at least. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She still dresses like she's like 17. I've seen her several times. | |
| I wonder what she wanted. | ||
| If she wanted to be an actress or like what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Interesting marketing campaign. | ||
| But what's really weird is how much I see her. | ||
| And that's like one of the only cars where you're like, oh, that's her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's her. | |
| That's her. | ||
| Like how many times you actually drive by people you probably know and drive around the same cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just so weird how small Los Angeles actually is to that point. | |
| Well, in that sense. | ||
| And, you know, it's also like the spots that she hits or the spots you're at. | ||
| Like, I just saw her at a coffee bean. | ||
| Yeah, that's what she looks like now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I'm sure she's a nice lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll do it. | |
| No hate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You wouldn't do that if no one knew? | |
| I mean, look, man. | ||
| Nothing wrong with being that, you know? | ||
| That's who she is. | ||
| She's fabulous. | ||
| Let her go get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck this little kitty right here. | |
| Oh, look at that arm. | ||
| Brian, put that away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| Put that whole thing away, you fuck. | ||
| She's your grandmother, man. | ||
| Show some respect. | ||
| I don't know if she's a mother or a grandmother, but, you know, that whole wanting to be famous thing. | ||
| Strange thing. | ||
| She was like one of the original reality stars. | ||
| She created her own reality show by just putting up billboards. | ||
| Her reality show became her life, you know? | ||
| No one was filming it, but her life was a reality show, you know? | ||
| I knew who she was. | ||
| I knew who she was a couple years after living here. | ||
| So I've known who she was since 96-ish? | ||
| 97-ish? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I remember when she pulled up she had her face covered with like some kind of like one of those Asian fans yeah and she she was mysterious yeah whoa yeah that's a that's a strange strange world we live in my friends man if I was a porn star hot chick porn star I would buy a pink Corvette and be her new competition oh that would be so rude you could call yourself Angelone yeah Or Angelina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good idea, though, because that's how she got her attention, to sing that, you know, Pink Corvette. | |
| The new Angelina. | ||
| Maybe you could have, like, your whole thing was about, like, how you get a rich husband who allows you to freelance in your porn career. | ||
| And that would be the whole thing. | ||
| The husband has no idea what's going on. | ||
| He comes home, what is happening in here? | ||
| Who are these guys? | ||
| And you gotta explain why they were tag-teaming you. | ||
| You gotta say, you know, it was all so I could get better with you, honey. | ||
| I just, they're not tag-teaming me. | ||
| They're teaching me. | ||
| This is, it's very controversial. | ||
| I should abandon this right now. | ||
| It's not going anywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever been with a girl that you're just completely haunted about? | |
| Like, that you think about, like, even after it happened, you were just like, why the fuck did I do that? | ||
| That's part of being drunk, son. | ||
| That's the whole part of being drunk. | ||
| That's the beauty of life. | ||
| If you didn't have those stories, then you wouldn't have those awkward moments. | ||
| And if you didn't have those awkward moments, you wouldn't have some really hilarious shit to talk about when everyone else is drunk as well and they can understand what you're saying. | ||
| That's why drunks have the best stories. | ||
| The being drunk, drunk stories, when they can just really cut loose and be free and not worried about it. | ||
| I had friends from back in the Boston days that have the best stories when they're drunk. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, those fucks become Alcoholics Anonymous people. | ||
| And all the stories stop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like I'm going to have to start getting into Alcoholics Anonymous soon, just being at the comedy store, going to a comedy club so much, you just have to fucking drink. | |
| Me and Tony battle with this almost every single night, where we're like, have you got a drink yet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you know, I mean, it's just... | ||
| You know what's interesting about, you know, it's like either the night's going great and you want a drink to celebrate, or it's a fucking boring night and you want a drink to have more fun. | ||
| So it's like, there's never a time where I'm just like in the middle, like, you know what? | ||
| It just seems more fun. | ||
| If you do it every night that you have a show, though, man, it really can wear on you. | ||
| Well, you know, I'm very lucky because on my end of it, I'll sometimes only have a half a drink or one drink because I'm very little and I'm very reactive. | ||
| How many beers does it take to get you fucked up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two and a half, probably. | |
| Two and a half beers and you're fucked up? | ||
| Three, I'm fucked up. | ||
| Isn't that great? | ||
| Yeah, three, and I just decided to tell a story that I wasn't sure if I was going to tell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, I normally don't get to my third drink until pretty late. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's weird. | |
| How much do you weigh? | ||
| Probably about 127, right around there. | ||
| And if you think about a beer, it's what, a pound? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd say one bottle of Jack Daniels fucks me up. | |
| Essentially, you get to like 1% of your body weight fairly quickly. | ||
| 1% of your body weight in beer. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Would you say what about Jack Daniels would fuck you up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've gotten to the point where I think one bottle of Jack Daniels would fuck me up. | |
| Shut up, son. | ||
| You fucking start slurring when you open the cap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but slurring and being like blacked out. | |
| And being alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm talking about like blacking out. | |
| I'm talking about like bleeding from the liver until I expire. | ||
| My poor liver. | ||
| Yeah, it's interesting that no one's figured out a way to create the effect of alcohol without the horrific effects to your fucking body. | ||
| Well, my way works. | ||
| You could just get down to 127 and just sip on a drink all night long. | ||
| Feel great. | ||
| Or black out every night because you keep forgetting you only weigh 126 pounds now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, can you imagine a guy like Tate? | ||
| Well, he doesn't drink, but in his prime, this big guy, you know? | ||
| Big guys can put away more. | ||
| Like Joey. | ||
| Joey can put away some fucking booze, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love when Joey... | |
| Joey barely ever drinks, but when he does, he always gets the most fruitiest drinks. | ||
| It's so cute. | ||
| Like, he'll get like, I got an orange creamsicle! | ||
| It tastes good, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's why, you know, people like pina coladas and shit. | ||
| You're getting fucked up. | ||
| Some folks only allow them that when they're on vacation. | ||
| But men? | ||
| Well, when men are drinking, they want manly shit. | ||
| They want something that just makes them go... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You guys want a drink right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a long night of drinking. | |
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| So you're saying you'd rather drink with them than drink with us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I mean, what do you have? | |
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Depends what you have, because I'm pretty hungover right now. | |
| Well, I'm about to go watch a fucking UFO documentary, so I'm fixing to get fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've only ate kinoa today. | |
| I'm not really big on watching UFO documentaries while sober. | ||
| Something's gonna go wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this? | |
| Jam Van just showed me this. | ||
| There's a spray that gets you instantly drunk for a few seconds. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds awesome. | |
| That seems super healthy. | ||
| You should give that to yourself right before you leave the house. | ||
| How long does it last? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't say, just five seconds. | |
| Is it like some Whippets type shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess, no. | |
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| One spray releases.0075 alcohol. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, it gets you drunk legally. | ||
| Oh, legally drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would you show me that? | |
| They got some sportscaster. | ||
| Some sportscaster got pulled over for... | ||
| Is it Al Michaels? | ||
| Yeah, he got pulled over and he was on the limit. | ||
| He was at the limit, 08 and 09. What happens there when you're at the limit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's the thing. | |
| Don't you first have to do the drunk test? | ||
| You walk around like a buffoon, and then if you fail that, then you have to do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He obviously, I guess, showed signs that he can't do balance on one foot. | |
| Well, not necessarily. | ||
| They might have just asked him, and he said he would take the test because he only had one drink. | ||
| That's what he's saying. | ||
| He's saying he only had one drink. | ||
| I think. | ||
| Did I read that? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| That's what... | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| That's what Reese Witherspoon's husband said. | ||
| I got the wrong drunk. | ||
| He said he only had one drunk. | ||
| But the Al Michaels guy, he tested On The Limit. | ||
| And he's a fucking man's man. | ||
| He's a fucking sportscaster. | ||
| You're telling me that guy doesn't know how to drive when he's a little tipsy? | ||
| He's an 08? | ||
| Let him go, you pussy. | ||
| Don't you appreciate a good game of hockey being called by the maestro? | ||
| Let him go. | ||
| It's not like you're letting go of a criminal. | ||
| 08. That's a pro-drinker. | ||
| That's a pro-socializer. | ||
| That guy knows what he's doing. | ||
| 08. Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It's like, what a pussy society we have. | ||
| That's not drunk, okay? | ||
| If he's drunk, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Arrest him, asshole. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| People driving around drunk are assholes. | ||
| But people driving around that are barely buzzed at 08, come on. | ||
| How do I know that your body functions as good as mine does when I'm drunk? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Your reaction time? | ||
| How good is your... | ||
| How do I know you're not a dullard with a slow right foot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just can't get to that break in time. | |
| You know, maybe Al Michaels could still, even at whatever he is, 70, still do a solid two-step, hits that break like a champ. | ||
| I'm not saying he should drive drunk. | ||
| I'm just saying, what's 08? | ||
| That's like a drink, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, pretty close. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I would like to see what an 08 guy looks like performing stuff. | ||
| I would like to see him go through that. | ||
| I'm sure he's always in 08 when he's calling the Super Bowl. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know one that doesn't count though? | ||
| Here's another thing though. | ||
| It's the adrenaline that you get when you get pulled over. | ||
| I would imagine that would have some sort of a recuperative effect. | ||
| Like if you're driving a little shitty because you're kind of hammered and you get pulled over and it might jolt you into a position where you could possibly perform the test a little better than you could be. | ||
| But it's not going to make you less drunk, right? | ||
| So 08 is still an 08 if you blew it. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's just entirely too low to blanket that that's considered a DUI. Because, I mean, you know, if you go out to dinner and you have a drink, like a margarita, and the bartender, like, pours it stronger than normal, Are you saying that just having one margarita with dinner, you should go to jail and get all these things on your license that you think you're going to run into, plow into a school of children? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't buy that. | |
| I think that's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not a big... | ||
| I think it needs to change. | ||
| Well, I think that's a dosage issue. | ||
| What you're talking about is a dosage issue. | ||
| And that... | ||
| They really should get in trouble if they're doing that. | ||
| I mean, people don't want them to get in trouble. | ||
| Go, yeah, go to this place. | ||
| They got the stiffest drinks. | ||
| You really should let people know what the fuck you're serving them. | ||
| And if you're serving them some margarita that's got twice the alcohol in it and you're trying to get customers that way, You could fuck somebody up if they know exactly how they usually rock it. | ||
| They have this thing, I'm good for one margarita, and then I back the fuck off, and then I get home and I'm fine. | ||
| And then all of a sudden the guy's hammered, driving home, he doesn't know what happened. | ||
| It's because you essentially doubled his dose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm just saying it's way too low, I think. | ||
| Yeah, but not if it's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you? | |
| I see your point. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| But I'm not convinced. | ||
| I don't have any data. | ||
| I want to see a guy who's at an 08 go through all that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it based on what percentage you are at your fines, too? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You know, I want to do it. | ||
| I want to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Want to get your eyes together? | |
| No. | ||
| No, I don't want to drive drunk. | ||
| That's one thing I've been really careful about my entire life. | ||
| I think it's really important to... | ||
| To be safe when you're operating a vehicle, I mean, the idea that you would operate a vehicle with your body all fucking half there, that's so scary to me. | ||
| It's so scary to be the driver. | ||
| It's so scary thinking there's so many people out there that are doing it. | ||
| It's so selfish and stupid. | ||
| But I think that... | ||
| I would like to find out what it feels like to be at an 08 and do any of those tests. | ||
| I want to know, what is it like if they say, I'm not going to drive, but get me to the limit, give me a breathalyzer, say, okay, you're at 08 now. | ||
| Whether it's three drinks or two drinks, and now make me do your stuff. | ||
| I want to know what it feels like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can buy a breathalyzer on Amazon. | |
| We should do it. | ||
| But I don't want to do it because I definitely don't want to drive. | ||
| But I would like to drive on a course. | ||
| I would like to go on a course and see, like, get me to 09 and let me see what I can do. | ||
| I think you're going to be surprised how exactly normal you're going to be feeling. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| Well, I wonder because I've been drunk and as of you... | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I wonder what it's like to do that. | ||
| But then again, telling people that 08 or 09 is the limit means that's probably where most people who are not in the best shape or don't have the best talents for alcohol, where they start to falter. | ||
| So if you're making a public policy, that's probably a good idea to do it on the conservative side. | ||
| Anthony Cumia had a funny thing. | ||
| He was talking about it should really be based on your tolerance. | ||
| You should have a license that indicates your tolerance. | ||
| But that shit changes too, because dudes start falling apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you have to just take a license test or a tolerance test once a year. | |
| It's so incredibly irresponsible to tell people they can drink more. | ||
| To tell people that the legal limit as is, eh, you can drink a little more. | ||
| Yahoo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This fucking green light, son! | |
| You ain't got tolerance like me, boy. | ||
| I got tolerance. | ||
| Like, I mean, think about, like, my friend Justin. | ||
| Here's a perfect example. | ||
| You know my friend Justin, the seven-foot-tall dude? | ||
| My friend Justin's, like, a legitimate giant. | ||
| He's enormous. | ||
| And if you go drink for drink with him, you're gonna die. | ||
| You're gonna die. | ||
| You're not the same species as him. | ||
| He's a completely different human being. | ||
| It's like a dog next to a cat. | ||
| It's not the same size. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it's Andre the Giant, actually, who has the drinking record. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| I think he has the... | ||
| There's a drinking record? | ||
| I think it's a crazy amount of cans of beers. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But he was, you know, he was like, what, seven foot something? | ||
| He was enormous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's been a few giants since then that got into mixed martial arts. | ||
| There's this guy, Giant Silva. | ||
| He was like a legit giant. | ||
| And he fought in Pride. | ||
| And then there's Antonio Bigfoot Silva. | ||
| And that guy, I think... | ||
| I think I'm saying Giant Silver. | ||
| I think that's his name. | ||
| If not, I apologize. | ||
| He's a big giant guy with crazy shaggy hair. | ||
| And then there's another guy, Semi Schilt. | ||
| He's like seven feet tall. | ||
| I think he's just a huge guy. | ||
| I don't think he has gigantism. | ||
| I think he's just an enormous regular human. | ||
| But you would just imagine a guy like Conjure the Giant. | ||
| Those little tiny... | ||
| You ever see a picture of a little tiny beer can in his hand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's a trip. | ||
| He would hold a beer can in his hand. | ||
| It was like you holding one of those little kids apple juices, you know, those ones that come in lunch boxes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's just that they estimated that he drank over 7,000 calories every day in booze alone. | |
| I wouldn't be shocked. | ||
| Do they have the stat there, the number? | ||
| I know it's like a decisive thing. | ||
| Well, I'm going to see the picture of his hand because it's so silly. | ||
| You know, Rowdy Rowdy Piper started coming by the Comedy Store a couple years ago, and once in a while he'll swing in and he's friends with a few of us there. | ||
| And man, he's so great at hanging out and telling stories. | ||
| And one of the stories that he told us was about Andre the Giant, because everybody always goes, you know, because they did the road together for a decade or whatever. | ||
| And he talks about how one time they were at a bar, and there were these college kids. | ||
| They're like, hey, you know, fuck you, Andre the Giant. | ||
| But they're drinking beers, and that one time a kid drinks a beer, throws the empty can at the back of Andre the Giant's head, and he goes, don't do that again. | ||
| And then later on, he takes an empty can and he throws it at the back of Andre the Giant's head. | ||
| Look at that picture. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And they all run outside, running away from Andre the Giant, who got up and is now chasing them. | ||
| And they all got in their car all at once, but Andre caught up to the car before it drove away, and he just flipped. | ||
| He picked up the car. | ||
| Where did you hear this story? | ||
| Rowdy Roddy Piper. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's got to be a true story, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even if it's not, let's let him tell it. | |
| Isn't that picture hilarious though, him holding a beer can? | ||
| I mean, it's like a little bait. | ||
| It's like, you ever see like a little kid's refrigerator set and they have a fake refrigerator? | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, 119 beers in six hours. | |
| God, that's what he drank? | ||
| That's what he drank? | ||
| How big was that guy? | ||
| What was his height and weight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
7'1". | |
| And he wasn't just tall. | ||
| He was enormous. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somewhere between 6'11 and 7'5 and over 500 pounds. | |
| Between 6'11 and 7'5 and over 500 pounds. | ||
| And then I also saw something... | ||
| That's a very... | ||
| How the fuck can they measure him right? | ||
| You know what the problem with that is? | ||
| Wrestling. | ||
| They lie. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
6'11, 3,000 pounds of twisted steel. | |
| They lie just to make guys look bigger. | ||
| But that guy was, like, legitimately enormous. | ||
| Like, in a real wrestling match, he would beat everybody. | ||
| I also heard a thing that that big body slam that was, like, from the big WrestleMania 2 where Hulk Hogan body slams the ultimate bad guy, Andre the Giant. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's like you could tell Andre the Giant jumps into it with all of his might and Hogan's just trying to... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All he needs to do is go like that. | ||
| It's amazing that he could even hold him up, though. | ||
| And he said that when he did that, he could feel every disc in his back just go... | ||
| Hulk Hogan? | ||
| Yeah, and then he laid down Andre the Giant. | ||
| He was just so glad that that was the end of the match because... | ||
| He ruined his back there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His back is fucked up now, right? | ||
| He's had surgery. | ||
| All these guys are unbelievable warriors because they were doing it every night in sold-out arenas. | ||
| People don't realize that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They had to put on a show. | ||
| They were going nonstop. | ||
| Even Piper, just six or seven months ago, he was by the store. | ||
| He would come in once in a while every few days for just then. | ||
| Anyway, he kept going, oh, my shoulder's sore. | ||
| My shoulder's sore. | ||
| I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday. | ||
| I still worked out for four hours today, but my shoulder's sore. | ||
| He ended up finding out that he had technically broken his neck. | ||
| He had a broken neck, and the doctor's like, it's not your shoulder, it's your neck, and it's broken. | ||
| So it was like probably pinching a nerve, and the nerve was hurting his shoulder. | ||
| These guys are so tough in real life that, to him, oh, a sore shoulder. | ||
| Yeah, do people give a fuck about wrestling anymore? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| They still do, right? | ||
| It's still very popular. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| I keep seeing like CM Punk and all these people and all these pictures and videos. | ||
| What's crazy is that, you know, most people don't know this, but like Monday Night Raw, for example, which is the premiere weekly show. | ||
| Someone's a wrestling fan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's been number one on Monday. | ||
| It's held Monday nights forever. | ||
| How the fuck do you know this? | ||
| And why the fuck do you know this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| What's going on here, Tony? | ||
| When I was a kid, I was into wrestling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So was I. And then I grew up and I got pubic hair. | |
| Oh shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can't believe you went there. | ||
| Me too, and I still like wrestling a little bit. | ||
| He still has pubic hair, dude. | ||
| Stop being an asshole. | ||
| I haven't watched wrestling. | ||
| What you're doing is cyberbullying right now. | ||
| No, I've been giving them a hard time because they all had a wrestling party. | ||
| Our buddy got WrestleMania, and he has a giant screen. | ||
| And it's funny, too. | ||
| Did you guys take your clothes off? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Did you reenact the moves with lube in your mouth? | ||
| Hey, what do you think about this CISPA thing, the bill that passed the House? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucked up. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| Very scary. | ||
| If you guys don't know about it, the House of Representatives passed CISPA, which is the Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act, by a 288 to 127 vote And it's – the idea is supposedly that it's meant to enhance national security by facilitating the sharing of electronic information between like this – I'll quote it – between say a private company and the government. | ||
| This is a story from Mediate.com. | ||
| And the way they describe it is that if the government – like, say, if a private company and the government deem threatening the bill's opponents maintain, it will make sharing of personal private information far too easy. | ||
| So this – I guess the idea is – what is the main – The main idea behind this bill is that they're going to be able to see every website you've ever visited. | ||
| Every website will be able to share the information of different people that have gone to them. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, I have no idea what the exact specific thing is, but yeah, it seems like that's what everyone's talking about. | |
| But can it be vetoed by Obama? | ||
| I don't know because he didn't veto the NDAA. I mean Obama is a hilarious kind of situation because he's super intelligent. | ||
| He's half black. | ||
| He's, you know, from a single-parent household, but he still, like, votes just like the Republicans do. | ||
| And he still does stuff that the Republicans did. | ||
| Like, it's really strange. | ||
| It's like, if he was a white guy, people would be fucking furious. | ||
| If he was a white guy of privileged background and he made the choices that he's made as far as, like, bailing out the banks, as far as passing the NDAA, not vetoing it, All these different things that have happened, the drones, all these different things that have happened while he was in office, if he was a white guy of privilege, he would be getting crucified. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| It's almost like the perfect plan. | ||
| Like if you were a military strategist and you were trying to take over the company, you would do it with a... | ||
| A situation like that. | ||
| You wouldn't just go get some super elite rich guy. | ||
| You would get some guy who you would associate automatically with progressive, liberal sensibilities. | ||
| And then you'd do all that creepy shit right under everybody's nose. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| His big slogan was change. | ||
| And looking back on it now, it's like... | ||
| Well, he changed a little. | ||
| The drone attacks went from 50 up to like 300... | ||
| It's changed a lot in Pakistan. | ||
| It's not funny, but fuck, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It just seems like if he really could change things, if he really could influence this society, how's the time to do something? | ||
| Instead of just these speeches, sort of reactionary speeches dealing with each and every issue, whether it's Sandy Hook or whether it's this Boston thing, like... | ||
| I wonder what, if anything, could be done to sort of enact a change in a culture, a plea for a change in a culture. | ||
| And if anybody could do that, it's got to be the president. | ||
| And the president addresses, he does these national speeches where he addresses policies, and he addresses National affairs as far as security affairs and threats and various things along those lines. | ||
| But what this country really fucking needs, they need a different... | ||
| Not a different person, but a different mantra. | ||
| We need a new way of looking at things. | ||
| We need a speech. | ||
| We need something that gets people believing. | ||
| We need an I have a dream. | ||
| That I have a dream... | ||
| Martin Luther King's speech, to this day that shit resonates. | ||
| No one's doing the I have a dream today. | ||
| Everyone's doing the we're all gonna get along and change and hope and, you know, and make it more affordable and healthcare for everyone and gay marriage, yay! | ||
| No one has a speech about uniting humanity and getting us to understand that our lives really are truly only better when people around us lives are better as well. | ||
| And that united, there's enough resources for everybody. | ||
| There's enough love for everybody. | ||
| There's enough health for everybody. | ||
| There really is. | ||
| It's just the current system and the current ideology that we have is not based on the reality that we're an expiring life form. | ||
| And that we have a temporary time here on this planet. | ||
| And to waste it not being aware of the full reality of the situation is a shame. | ||
| And a guy like Obama has the opportunity to do that. | ||
| But he doesn't ever say anything like that. | ||
| He never says anything that really inspires people to look at it in a completely different way. | ||
| He never says anything like, I think you have to if you're in a position to be the fucking president of the United States. | ||
| That's a position very few human beings ever get to reach. | ||
| I mean, maybe he will when he's leaving. | ||
| Maybe he will once he leaves. | ||
| Maybe you can't when you're there. | ||
| I mean, who knows? | ||
| I mean, maybe it really is an incredibly restrictive environment and he has no room to free ball and no room to go outside of what they want him to distribute his policy. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what the fuck the situation's like, but if this world ever needed someone to speak up... | ||
| And someone to just make some fucking sense. | ||
| Someone to make some sense and not talk politics. | ||
| You know, not talk religion. | ||
| Just talk humanity. | ||
| Not talk nationalistic. | ||
| Not talk conflict. | ||
| Just make some sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I guess this is the, you know, this same bill was vetoed last year by the White House. | |
| And it looks like You know, it's just one of those things that's just poorly written and everyone knows it type thing. | ||
| So was the NDAA, unfortunately. | ||
| And it passed really hard through Congress, though. | ||
| That's the thing, is it didn't pass as hard in Congress the first time. | ||
| Well, I think that a lot of... | ||
| I read something about it this morning. | ||
| A lot of the way the government's set up – and I'm obviously not an expert on government – but I know that a lot of the way it's set up is that we have representatives and we can't all be there while policy is being dictated. | ||
| So our representatives go there and they make sure that everything represents their constituents. | ||
| But clearly, a better way to do all that is the internet. | ||
| If anybody needed to be phased out, it's the majority of politicians that are involved in making laws. | ||
| Those guys can get all new jobs. | ||
| Have you seen House of Cards? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| I heard it's awesome. | ||
| This show shows you what's actually happening in Washington. | ||
| In a real TV show that somebody made up? | ||
| Oh, it's unbelievable. | ||
| It shows you. | ||
| You realize what they're dealing with, what they're actually doing. | ||
| And it's all just... | ||
| Is it awesome? | ||
| It's all just deals. | ||
| The show's unbelievable. | ||
| I mean, Kevin Spacey... | ||
| I heard he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He breaks the third wall or whatever and just starts looking at the camera telling you what he's thinking in the middle of the scenes. | ||
| It's pretty sweet. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Does everyone else freeze in the background? | ||
| Or freeze like they're playing a game? | ||
| Sort of, pretty much. | ||
| They're still, you know, they blur out. | ||
| But then it's just him just, you know, he'll be across a meeting table from somebody like, here's what I'm about to do. | ||
| And they don't know it, but here's how I'm going to do it. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And it's amazing. | ||
| It's really just politicking. | ||
| You learn a lot about, you know, even show business and networking overall from how these politicians operate because that's all that they're doing is playing gossip games and texting. | ||
| It's a broken system and they're all criminals keeping us from the internet. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| They're trying to tighten down on this fucking system and what they don't want to do is admit that this could all be handled way better with voting online. | ||
| Let's do it that way. | ||
| Every person has an ID. Every ID is just like your fucking social security nut card. | ||
| You can only do it once. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| And you vote online. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And when that happens, that's when things will get good. | ||
| You can't control that, bitch. | ||
| You can't control that. | ||
| They'll never allow something like that. | ||
| They will fight it to death. | ||
| That literally might be where the revolution lies, is getting people to vote online. | ||
| Because they would essentially be giving up all of their tricks that they've been using over the past decades to manipulate how our people are picked, how our president's picked, how laws are passed. | ||
| All that shit has been manipulated. | ||
| Everything should be done to popular vote now. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that a fascinating idea that they would so try hard, they would try so fucking hard to avoid. | ||
| Yeah, that would be like a real tipping point in this country when we really realize we're being run by vampires. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Like how quickly they would fucking shriek into the dark corners of the room when you open the drapes and take a good look at the real scenario. | ||
| They're not trying to like give the people what they want. | ||
| They're trying to profit off the current system. | ||
| The current corrupt system as in place. | ||
| God damn it, Tony, you need to Right. | ||
| You're a clean young man. | ||
| You can run for president. | ||
| You're very likable. | ||
| I could probably pull it off. | ||
| You think you could? | ||
| There was a period of time when I was a kid and I wanted to, but... | ||
| You wanted to be president at one point in time? | ||
| For a little moment. | ||
| Did you fall on your head or something? | ||
| What made you want to be president? | ||
| Did you get sick? | ||
| Were you delirious? | ||
| No, I thought it was just... | ||
| I was very, very young. | ||
| I thought it was glamorous. | ||
| Did you have the fever? | ||
| Yeah, the president's fever. | ||
| He had the president's fever. | ||
| You know, when we all go through that. | ||
| Oh, it's gone. | ||
| 16 years ago. | ||
| Lying in your bed, dying. | ||
| Yeah, I got obsessed with... | ||
| There was a period where, as a kid, I was obsessed with the Declaration of Independence and how it came to be. | ||
| I remember reading a whole book about John Hancock. | ||
| Then I started practicing my signature all the time because I was obsessed with John Hancock. | ||
| I thought that was so cool that this guy had the balls to be like, here you go, here I am, and I did this. | ||
| Who would be the first person to be president that doesn't have the fake president voice? | ||
| Who would be the first person that just talks to everybody? | ||
| The person who changes the world. | ||
| Who doesn't have a way of speaking with long, fake pauses. | ||
| What I believe, what I believe for you, and for me, and for our great nation, is that we must unite. | ||
| Imagine if that guy... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's so bizarre. | ||
| ...if that fucking guy was over your house. | ||
| Be like, bitch, why are you talking like that? | ||
| Why are you talking in this fake, stupid voice? | ||
| But you get away with that when it's a big group of people and you're a politician. | ||
| We know that you're talking in the fakest, most old-school way possible. | ||
| You might as well be in the theater, you dummy. | ||
| You might as well be in the theater back when they didn't have microphones, when they used to have to shout out their stupid lines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine a strip club DJ being the president? | |
| Imagine a strip club DJ with no microphones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coming up to the main stage, it's Diamond! | |
| And then a bunch of banjo players behind have the music because you don't have electricity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Today our country had a bomb threat. | |
| I got more information or more evidence to the poor people that think that I'm in league with the devil. | ||
| I wore this t-shirt on Fox. | ||
| It was the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. | ||
| When I ordered the DVD, they found out we talked about it on the podcast. | ||
| So the people that make it, they sent me these cool t-shirts. | ||
| And one of them was that famous picture of Nixon meeting Elvis with his shaking hands. | ||
| But they replaced Elvis' head with Jessica White and Nixon with the devil himself. | ||
| And it says, like, the devil in cell, Jesco. | ||
| And I wore it on Fox, and I got like a hundred tweets going, what the fuck are you wearing on TV? I didn't even think about it. | ||
| But for a good portion of this knucklehead country, if you have a shirt on that has a devil's face and it says the devil, like, these dummies actually think that you, like, you're down with the devil. | ||
| Like, the devil. | ||
| That's where we draw the line in this kooky country. | ||
| Even, you know, even religious people. | ||
| Like, you can say that you believe in God. | ||
| You're allowed to say that... | ||
| You're even allowed to say that God talked to me. | ||
| You know, I saw a guy say that the other day. | ||
| It didn't even bother me. | ||
| There was a guy that was in Austin, Texas. | ||
| There was a guy that was at a red light, and he was begging. | ||
| He had a, you know, cardboard thing out. | ||
| And the guy in the car rolled down the window and said, Hey, man, God just talked to me and told me I should give you this. | ||
| And he gave the guy 20 bucks. | ||
| That doesn't bother me. | ||
| But if the guy rolled down that window and said, hey man, I was just speaking to Satan, and he thought you could use this to party with. | ||
| You're not talking to Satan. | ||
| Anybody who believes in Satan is an asshole. | ||
| Like, you're allowed to believe in God, but if you say you believe in Satan, everybody tells you to go fuck yourself. | ||
| You have to be, like, way deep in cuckoo for Cocoa Pops to actually believe in Satan. | ||
| To believe in the bad guy, I mean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you ever met someone who actually believed in Satan and you didn't know that they believed in Satan until you got to know them? | ||
| And then you're like, ah, shit. | ||
| I feel like I've met a couple people that really wanted to be different and like couldn't pull it off though. | ||
| You know, they don't have the commitment. | ||
| I met a girl once, and she was with her sister. | ||
| And it was a total innocent conversation, you know, nothing crazy got said. | ||
| It was totally normal. | ||
| And she brought up something, I think it had to do with gay marriage. | ||
| I think it had to do with that. | ||
| And it was something about a bill being passed. | ||
| And this was many, many years ago, so my memory's a little foggy. | ||
| But I do remember this. | ||
| Whatever the controversy was, she said, she goes, it's not God's way. | ||
| And I said, I remember like stopping and like all of a sudden going, whoa, what happened with this conversation? | ||
| Like, what did you just say? | ||
| It's not God's way. | ||
| Like, how do you know what God's way is? | ||
| Do you really talk to God or like, where are you getting this from? | ||
| And she goes, oh, that Satan's, his scales have covered your eyes. | ||
| She actually said that to me. | ||
| His scales have covered, and I'll never forget me looking at her and her sister and going, damn, you crazy bitches. | ||
| And the girl was, she was so pretty too. | ||
| Like, oh my God, she's beautiful. | ||
| She was like Latin or something like that. | ||
| I was like, oh, you crazy bitches. | ||
| Well, you guys take care. | ||
| I was like, we can't even talk. | ||
| You really think that Satan has scales and he puts them over your eyes? | ||
| We have so much work to do here. | ||
| I'm not taking on this project. | ||
| Just to communicate with you and get you to a point of rational, objective thinking, we take three, four mushroom trips, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you heard of a guy named Peter Popoff? | |
| He's a pastor of his televangelist guys. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| Blow somebody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw him the other day. | |
| I was sleeping on the couch and I woke up and he had one of those shows on, paid shows, commercials. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was amazed what woke me up because I was kind of like half listening to it while I was sleeping. | |
| What was amazed is how the things that they say in it, it just seemed illegal. | ||
| They were like, we're going to send you some miracle water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This water is miracle water. | |
| You're going to open up these envelopes. | ||
| And then they start showing testimonials of people, and they're like, you know, I sent in my, or I read the letters, and then just a week later, I got a new house and a car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then the next person was like, I got $200,000. | |
| And then this other one was like, a guy just walked up and gave me a check for $15 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was like the most faking shit ever. | |
| And so then I started really researching this guy, and there's all these videos about him online. | ||
| I guess he's been ripping people off for a long time, and one of the best videos is one where he just goes up and he goes, where's so-and-so? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So-and-so's here. | |
| Let's say Tina, Tina Fey, where are you at? | ||
| And then she comes up and goes, I heard you have arthritis. | ||
| And you're here because you want to get rid of this arthritis and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the whole time his wife is just pumping information. | |
| Yeah, there was a whole show. | ||
| She had a thing on. | ||
| It was on one of those 2020s or something like that. | ||
| I know we talked about this in the past, I believe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have we? | |
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| Maybe it was on another podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I was amazed that he's still allowed to do this. | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, that guy... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Name one that's not. | |
| It's almost like it's so ridiculous. | ||
| It's like the most ridiculous hustle ever. | ||
| It's like, who are they tricking? | ||
| The only people they're tricking are like, they're almost like mentally challenged. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| People with no hope. | ||
| Just robots. | ||
| When you're down to being convinced that there's a miracle water out there that is going to come in the mail via the postal service and it's going to... | ||
| It's going to change your fortune. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of these things. | ||
| Somewhere along the line, they used to ask for donations, but then somewhere along the line, they realized that they could sell things. | ||
| And they started selling holy water and selling prayer services and telling people that you would plant a seed. | ||
| So if you spend $90, it's your last $90, it would come back to you in tenfold. | ||
| The Bible says... | ||
| And it would come out with some crazy fucking... | ||
| What's that guy, Creflo Dollar? | ||
| He's my favorite. | ||
| Because he's got a dollar in his name. | ||
| I mean, you're a pastor and your fucking name is Dollar. | ||
| What's your real name? | ||
| They all have weird names. | ||
| That guy's like Peter Popoff. | ||
| Have you ever met any other Popoffs before? | ||
| This guy's got to have a different real name, though. | ||
| He must have a real name. | ||
| What's his real name? | ||
| Wow, his real name is Creflo Augustus Dollar Jr. Wow, this is his real fucking name. | ||
| He's got a Bachelor of Science in Education. | ||
| He's out there talking shit, smacking people. | ||
| My favorite is Robert Tilton. | ||
| You know who he is? | ||
| You've probably seen him. | ||
| There's a viral video of him farting. | ||
| He talks in tongues a lot on a show, too. | ||
| He'll go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hilarious. | |
| See if you can pull up Robert Tilton talking in tongues. | ||
| Because it's some of the most ridiculous shit ever. | ||
| But I'll never forget this one thing that he said. | ||
| He said, every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye. | ||
| But doesn't part of you think that if you're dumb enough to send him that money, like, so what? | ||
| So a guy got you with the dumbest trick of all time. | ||
| Like, you really thought that money was going to God? | ||
| You really thought that money was going to give the devil a black eye? | ||
| If you really thought that, you're fucking stupid. | ||
| I'm not looking after you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| One of the things that Peter Poffoff does, he also sends you a barley cake from the Bible, where it's kind of like the little bread you eat. | ||
| And he goes, He goes in this commercial, he goes, and we make it with the exact ingredients that they say in the Bible and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| But then if you look up Ezekiel 4.12 in the Bible, it says, And you should eat it as barley cakes and bake it using fuel of human waste. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuel of human waste? | |
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to bet? | |
| Type in Ezekiel 412. E-Z-E-K-I... Hold on, hold on. | ||
| E-Z-E-K-I... E-L. E-L. 420? | ||
| 412. 412. Yeah, you're thinking about the weed law. | ||
| Ezekiel 412. It's been a long time since I read up on my good old Ezekiels. | ||
| So this is all new to me. | ||
| Bake it with dung that cometh out of man in their sight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on a second. | |
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man in their sight. | ||
| But it's in the Bible. | ||
| It's in the Bible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to study the Bible and cook your bread with shit. | |
| Have you ever tried my poo-poo barley cake? | ||
| Can you fucking imagine how dumb people are? | ||
| That really hurts my brain. | ||
| Do you know Ezekiel? | ||
| Ezekiel might have been a tripper because Ezekiel was also where the first depictions of UFOs came from. | ||
| Hey, let me pull that up. | ||
| Yeah, Ezekiel was known for – there's a Bible quote that people bring up all the time when it's a UFO. I bet people were seeing a lot of things after eating shit. | ||
| Yeah, they're eating fucking shit cakes all day, throwing up, almost dying. | ||
| It was a wheel within a wheel. | ||
| It was God's chariot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was guys with boats that had all the animals. | |
| You think we should prepare the barley cake in a different way? | ||
| No, no, it's great. | ||
| I'm trying to find this quote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tastes so shitty. | |
| What a stupid fucking culture. | ||
| Cook it with shit. | ||
| Okay, Dad. | ||
| Should I write that down on paper? | ||
| Yes, for thou art my son. | ||
| Because I got so obsessed with this minister that so when I found that out, I had tweeted something like Olive Garden was like Ezekiel 412 or something like that. | ||
| And all these people got pissed off that I was doing Bible scriptures. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Well, they read that though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they figured it out. | |
| How do you not read that and just start laughing? | ||
| You're telling me to cook shitcakes. | ||
| The Bible says cook shitcakes. | ||
| That's just one more dumb thing in the Bible. | ||
| God damn, I'm so tired of people pretending that book's awesome. | ||
| I'm so tired. | ||
| You stop. | ||
| That shit's stupid. | ||
| Okay, here's a quote. | ||
| And I looked, and behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire enfolding itself in brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof, as the color of amber out of the midst of the fire. | ||
| Okay, how's that UFO? Hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| Somebody putting two points together that don't go together, probably. | ||
| Ooh, wait a minute. | ||
| This, though. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures, and this was their appearance. | ||
| They had the likeness of a man. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And everyone had four faces and everyone had four wings. | ||
| And their feet were straight and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot. | ||
| And they sparkled like the color of burnished brass. | ||
| What a trippy book. | ||
| People are like, oh my god, it's so real. | ||
| I hear God's words when you're saying these things. | ||
| God is speaking to me through your words. | ||
| Please read on. | ||
| And they had the hands of man under their wings on their four sides. | ||
| And they four had their faces in their wings. | ||
| Somebody might have just made all this up. | ||
| And me, like an asshole, is reading these fake Bible quotes shitting all over the Bible. | ||
| And the aliens came up. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I'm not reading any further. | ||
| It seems like if this really is Ezekiel's, it says it is. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It's all nuttiness. | ||
| They walked up with their four faces and they said, why are you guys cooking things in shit? | ||
| And the living creatures ran and returned as the appearance of a flash of lightning. | ||
| Now as I behold the living creatures, behold one wheel upon the earth by the living creatures with his four faces. | ||
| These guys were tripping hard, eating shitcakes. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Losing their mind. | ||
| What grows on shit? | ||
| Mushrooms. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Leave your shitcakes out. | ||
| They're covered with mushrooms. | ||
| Eat your shitcakes. | ||
| Trip your balls off. | ||
| Start talking nutty, man. | ||
| When those went, these went. | ||
| And when those stood still, these stood. | ||
| And when those were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up. | ||
| That guy is... | ||
| This is glossolalia. | ||
| That guy's just... | ||
| That's word salad. | ||
| That guy's high as fuck. | ||
| He's just rambling high as fuck on shitcakes. | ||
| I saw the same thing in Joshua Tree one time. | ||
| This is the stuff, by the way, that they kept in. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, think about that. | ||
| Like, especially in the New Testament. | ||
| The New Testament, they had to, like, have, like, meetings. | ||
| Yeah, editors. | ||
| What's in there? | ||
| Can you leave this? | ||
| Too crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you look at that Ezekiel 412 quote now, it's totally changed. | |
| It has nothing to do. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, it's completely different. | ||
| Oh, they've altered the quote? | ||
| Well, you know, it also, it's probably so hard. | ||
| If you talk to a linguist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, I talked to a language scholar the other day, ironically enough, for a Bigfoot show. | ||
| And, um... | ||
| If you talk to a linguist, they'll tell you that it started off, it was a spoken story for the longest time before anyone even wrote it down. | ||
| And the Bible, many of the stories in the Bible probably existed before language or before written language. | ||
| So like a lot of the stories in the Bible also, they're like really similar to the same stories of ancient Mesopotamia. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And like Sumer and like... | ||
| The Epic of Gilgamesh is really close to the Epic of Noah's Ark. | ||
| It's really a lot of similarities in a lot of the stories. | ||
| So they had to write it down. | ||
| They wrote it down in probably, let's say the first shit was the Sumerians. | ||
| So they wrote it down in, I think it's called cuneiform or cuneiform. | ||
| They wrote it down in that and then eventually it became ancient Hebrew. | ||
| And then they got to translate it, ancient Hebrew to Latin, and then it was translated to Greek, and it was translated to English. | ||
| Like, they had to fuck it up in a lot of ways along the way. | ||
| I mean, you're dealing with some wacky-ass languages. | ||
| I mean, how many people even exist that know how to convert all that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of the languages are lost. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when they go over the Dead Sea Scrolls is the real trip factory. | ||
| Read some of the shit that's in the Dead Sea Scrolls. | ||
| The Dead Sea Scrolls are the oldest version of the Bible by far. | ||
| By almost a thousand years, I think. | ||
| And it was found in a place called Qumran in these caves in the side of a mountain, like the side of a hill. | ||
| And these caves have these clay pots and in them were these, they're literally made out of animal skins. | ||
| And it's the oldest stories of the Bible. | ||
| And it's all trippy fucking shit. | ||
| It's all, you read it and you go, it makes Ezekiel sound normal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's so nutty that even though it's the oldest version of the Bible, they're very resistant to release it. | ||
| And they like to say, well, we're going to revise the Bible now according to the Dead Sea Scrolls. | ||
| They're like, you know what? | ||
| We've been reading this for a while. | ||
| Maybe we need to fucking just bury this bitch. | ||
| That's where that guy, John Marco Allegro... | ||
| Who's the Dead Sea Scrolls guy. | ||
| He was the head translator for the Dead Sea Scrolls. | ||
| He said the whole thing was about mushrooms. | ||
| He wrote a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross. | ||
| He was the only scholar on the whole Dead Sea Scrolls committee that was agnostic. | ||
| He was an ordained minister, but then studying theology, he realized it was horseshit. | ||
| You leaving, boo-boo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Say goodbye to the people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye guys. | |
| We're going to wrap this up soon. | ||
| Anyway, we've got to get out of here too. | ||
| I've got to go see the premiere of Sirius, the Dr. Stephen Greer documentary, where he reveals the truth about the tiny little alien baby and whether or not it came from the planet Uranus. | ||
| Will you please text me immediately or live text me during it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to know what's going on with this little alien. | |
| I will text you, but it is a show only for you. | ||
| I will save the rest of it for when we talk on air. | ||
| So do not expect live tweets or spoilers. | ||
| I'm fascinated. | ||
| I actually talked to a really cool guy today at a video game company that saw it last night. | ||
| He said it was really interesting. | ||
| So I'm going to get high as fuck and we're going to see what's up. | ||
| Later, buddy. | ||
| See you tomorrow, man. | ||
| George St. Pierre tomorrow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So this Dead Sea Scrolls, this guy, John Marco Allegro, said after like 14 years of study that the entire Christian religion was really about fertility rituals and mushrooms. | ||
| It was about tripping balls on psychedelic mushrooms, and it was about fertility treatments, or fertility festivals, and that they would, fertility rituals, and that becoming pregnant was the most important thing. | ||
| Keeping a baby alive was really difficult, and becoming pregnant and having a child was the most important thing that they all looked forward to. | ||
| There was a serious urgency to having children because People were fragile, you know? | ||
| And they also knew a lot about the indigenous psychedelic plants, and especially what they think the Amanita muscaria mushroom, he thinks, was one of the big ones, and that these people just didn't want anybody else to know about it, so they hid their stories. | ||
| They hid them in parables, and they hid their history of the use of this stuff. | ||
| Really interesting stuff, and I'm way too stupid to understand whether he's right or whether the other people are right. | ||
| But the guy is a legit scholar. | ||
| You know, he's not a stoner. | ||
| He's not like one of those guys that's trying to justify mushroom use. | ||
| There is something, the times that I've tried mushrooms, in which, I know it sounds stereotypical, but I really think there's something there. | ||
| I mean, there's, like, definitely beyond science and rationale and what I've been told to expect and this and that. | ||
| There's something extra wild about them. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| You know, nothing's really that great as when you can really enjoy that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it makes for everything. | ||
| I mean, luckily, you know, they're finally coming out with these studies that are showing what it's doing for depression and anxiety. | ||
| And it's a supernatural cure at times for people, even with what they called... | ||
| When it's a lifelong diagnosis, chronic depression, people have bounced out of it. | ||
| When they thought that they were going to be miserable for the rest of their lives, it's like, oh. | ||
| It's a real consciousness reset button. | ||
| A real one. | ||
| A real one. | ||
| Not just like bowing your head and pretending you feel better. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| It's legit. | ||
| Listen to some of the shit that's in the Dead Sea Scrolls. | ||
| By the way, there's people that are working really hard to try to turn that around. | ||
| It was like the John Hopkins study. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend Aubrey was just at MAPS, the psychedelic meeting, whatever the hell it is. | ||
| I forget what the... | ||
| What does that stand for? | ||
| MAPS. Let me see. | ||
| MAPS psychedelic. | ||
| I should know. | ||
| Because they're doing a lot of really good work and letting people know. | ||
| They're a multidisciplinary association for psychedelic studies. | ||
| And they're hitting them with hard science over and over and over again and showing how many people it could be beneficial for. | ||
| And a lot of the people that are trying to hold it back, those people that are trying to hold it back, it would be beneficial to them as well. | ||
| So what people don't understand is that your desire for your resistance to psychedelics is the very reason you need psychedelics in the first place. | ||
| If you really understood what you were resisting, you're really holding God back. | ||
| You really want to believe in God? | ||
| Take six grams of mushrooms. | ||
| You'll see them. | ||
| You'll really party with them. | ||
| You'll hang out with them. | ||
| Do DMT. You'll meet God, for sure. | ||
| It sounds crazy. | ||
| It sounds like an idiot saying it, and I agree. | ||
| It sounds like an idiot, and it's me. | ||
| I agree with you, but... | ||
| I think it's probably exactly what Ezekiel was talking about in that story. | ||
| I bet he was tripping his balls off. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| He had some crazy psychedelic experience. | ||
| He probably ate some mushrooms or, you know, the Moses burning bush. | ||
| Scholars to this day, actively in Jerusalem, there's a movement for scholars to recognize the possibility that Moses was on psychedelic drugs. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why it's all a burning bush. | ||
| Like one of the big bushes that they That they associate with that area is the acacia tree. | ||
| The acacia bush, rich in DMT. And if they figured out how to extract that shit and smoke it, Burning Bush is right there. | ||
| Yeah, he met God. | ||
| He found out the Ten Commandments. | ||
| It sounds like what God would say if you're high on DMT. All those Ten Commandments, they sound pretty right. | ||
| Yeah, don't fuck your neighbor's wife. | ||
| Don't kill anybody. | ||
| Be nice. | ||
| Yeah, it sounds like what DMT would tell you. | ||
| Like, it literally is exactly what DMT would tell you translated through the filters of time of thousands of years of various languages. | ||
| But if some guy had some breakthrough experience back then that was trying to enlighten all the people around him, That's what he would say. | ||
| I came back from God. | ||
| God gave me this message. | ||
| And then over X amount of years of idiots talking about it would, no, no, no, he wrote it on stone tablets. | ||
| Well, how did he know it was God's word? | ||
| Well, God gave him giant stone. | ||
| I mean, when people exaggerate and tell stories, of course, a good 1,000 years of people explaining what happened, they're going to fuck it up and butcher it. | ||
| It just makes sense. | ||
| What was the name of that Mel Brooks movie? | ||
| It's one of my favorite scenes in comedy history when Mel Brooks is playing Moses and he comes around the corner with three tablets and goes, My lord, I give to you these fifteen, and he drops one. | ||
| These ten commandments. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| This is a fucking fascinating... | ||
| These quotes, I mean, again, I can't tell you if these quotes are really from the actual Dead Sea Scrolls, but it's really wild, crazy shit. | ||
| It's just hard to understand. | ||
| How do you translate things to English? | ||
| Because it's not... | ||
| You're also trying to, like, display the intent with a completely different style of communicating, you know? | ||
| Like, the style of communicating that they had back then is probably so alien to us, like, socially. | ||
| And so they try to alter it to get it to fit into how we feel they would communicate if they lived today. | ||
| I'm like, oh, God. | ||
| That sounds like a cult leader. | ||
| Sounds like a dude who's trying to get his dick sucked, and he knows where all the gold is. | ||
| Yeah, life everlasting. | ||
| That's a hard promise to keep. | ||
| Who knows if that's what it's really said, though. | ||
| That's the really fascinating stuff about all this really ancient shit. | ||
| It's like piecing together the past. | ||
| So fucking hard to figure out what anybody really said. | ||
| This stuff that I've been telling you about this Dan Carlin's Hardcore History that I've been listening to for the past couple of months, they don't even know what Genghis Khan looked like. | ||
| They don't know what he looked like. | ||
| They don't know where they buried him. | ||
| They don't have any direct quotes from him. | ||
| They have quotes from people that met with Russian historians, emissaries. | ||
| Diplomats that met to demand things before the Mongols descended upon them. | ||
| They don't know shit about this guy. | ||
| I read a thing about that exactly, that they hired 50 people to bury Genghis Khan, and then they hired 100 people to kill those 50 people so that nobody knew where he was buried. | ||
| Then they hired 500 people to kill those 100 people to kill the 50 people in case any of them told them a thing. | ||
| And they would just ambush these groups of people that were under their own command in order to protect the secret of Genghis Khan. | ||
| They're bad motherfuckers. | ||
| They were willing to take it to a level that human beings today can never conceive of. | ||
| That's all I do now is I absorb all these histories. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| And now with the internet, you can go non-stop, tangent to tangent to tangent. | ||
| You can forget what originally got you there. | ||
| Next thing, you could just be on the different scope of the universe. | ||
| For some reason, tragic events of 12 A.D. don't bother me as much as Boston of 2013. I stopped reading about the Boston tragedy. | ||
| I'm hearing about this guy lost his legs and these people were permanently injured and this person died. | ||
| It's so depressing. | ||
| But for whatever reason, I can read about Genghis Khan or listen to this audio tape about Genghis Khan. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We don't know how... | ||
| People are terrible. | ||
| They're capable of such horrible, horrible behavior. | ||
| We're not used to it. | ||
| We're not around it that often. | ||
| You have to see something happen to just understand, oh yeah, there's some of us out there that are just fucking nuts, man. | ||
| It's just in the evolution of things. | ||
| It's hard to get all the way clear after a thousand years ago, the Mongoloids were killing tens of thousands. | ||
| It's not the Mongoloids. | ||
| Wait, what was it? | ||
| The Mongols! | ||
| Oh, whatever. | ||
| You can't say whatever, man. | ||
| They'll come get you. | ||
| Genghis Khan is like their hero. | ||
| I mean, imagine, like, that's a guy that's in your past. | ||
| You know, we talk about, what did your ancestors do? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| My answer was Genghis Khan. | ||
| My ancestor killed everybody. | ||
| Because Genghis Khan fucked so many people that he's responsible for, like, a giant percentage of the DNA in that area. | ||
| Like, he's in something like 5%. | ||
| His DNA is in some... | ||
| I just made that number up, by the way. | ||
| And I'm not even going to Google it, okay? | ||
| Because it's not that fucking important. | ||
| What am I, a historian? | ||
| Go look for yourself, you fucks. | ||
| But if you want to find out... | ||
| Get that Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. | ||
| I can't recommend it enough. | ||
| The guy puts a tremendous amount of work into these podcasts. | ||
| I really respect his work ethic. | ||
| I'm fucking fascinated by it, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Genghis Khan was a motherfucker, dude. | |
| You know what I'm saying, Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| Oh yeah, definitely. | ||
| So what's next for you, buddy, except besides Wednesday night at the Ice House. | ||
| Can't wait for Wednesday night. | ||
| With Burt Kreischer and Tommy Segura and Brian Redman. | ||
| Jesus, Louisa. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I'm very excited. | ||
| We're going to have some fun. | ||
| What else is going on for you? | ||
| Are you still working on Jeff Ross' show? | ||
| Yeah, we're in between seasons right now. | ||
| Hopefully season three will be released soon. | ||
| The burn on Comedy Central. | ||
| And you're one of the writers over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| So if you see something really offensive, most likely... | ||
| That guy wrote it. | ||
| You know who did it. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Even if I didn't write for it, I fought for it to be on the show. | ||
| He's born gangster. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| It's true, I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does not give a fuck. | |
| Came out here from Ohio to make it in the dark world. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| You from Columbus? | ||
| Originally from Youngstown, an Italian city between Chicago and New York. | ||
| I know where that is. | ||
| I did comedy there. | ||
| I did comedy in this club. | ||
| Yeah, the funny farm. | ||
| Yeah, and the stage was in the back and there was a disco in the front. | ||
| And the disco was like... | ||
| Well, it wasn't the highest end, this guy, you know? | ||
| It's at a Holiday Inn, I do believe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And it was like all this music was playing. | ||
| Every time the back door would open, you would hear... | ||
| And then it would close, and then you would go back to your act, and it would be like literally this quiet. | ||
| And then the door would open, so it was just constant open and shut. | ||
| And to pee, you had to go that way. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I might have made that up too. | ||
| But I remember it wasn't a good gig. | ||
| That club was notoriously... | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Did you ever do it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Never. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Started out here. | ||
| Did you want to go back? | ||
| Did you just let everybody know? | ||
| I went back a couple times when I first started and did pretty big shows at a different bar, but I was at a bar. | ||
| Oh, you just did like you booked your own thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at you, you fucking stud. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who'd you do it with? | ||
| Did you bring somebody? | ||
| It was just me, actually. | ||
| Just you by yourself? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You're a savage. | ||
| Yeah, I have a great group of friends back in Youngstown. | ||
| How much time do you have altogether? | ||
| Well, altogether it's weird because no matter what I'm trying to do, I always go off on tangents and whatever. | ||
| So I have to end up doing less than my goal anyway. | ||
| That's a good problem to have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| You get that problem when you do a lot of comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gotta do a lot of comedy. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| How many days a week are you going out? | ||
| Every night. | ||
| That's how you do it, buddy. | ||
| Some nights, like last week I had a couple nights where it was three shows in one night. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Just flying around just doing it. | ||
| Isn't it amazing when you do that? | ||
| Because comedy becomes part of your DNA. It really gets in that groove. | ||
| It's hard to do. | ||
| It's hard to do. | ||
| I find I balance. | ||
| I like to do that. | ||
| I never like to do every night. | ||
| I like to do three or four nights a week. | ||
| Then I like to take nights a week off and not even think about comedy and just write. | ||
| Where I don't even entertain the idea of going on stage. | ||
| I just go over ideas. | ||
| And I find that there's like, for me, I can't just always be going on stage. | ||
| It's like a lot of time has to be spent, especially now, working on, I don't know, like a sixth or seventh hour or something like that. | ||
| All the time I put out specials and shit. | ||
| It's like I have to figure out, like, New angles and new points of view. | ||
| Not even necessarily new points of view, but new subjects. | ||
| New different things that interest me. | ||
| New points that I have. | ||
| I feel like I don't just get that if I just go on stage a lot. | ||
| I have to spend a lot of time doing other shit. | ||
| You know, and I think about that actively now. | ||
| Whereas when I was younger, I really think about that actively. | ||
| Like I would just try to like write, you know, just try to come up with new bits. | ||
| But now I make myself do things so that cool stuff will come out of them. | ||
| I'll have interesting stuff to talk about. | ||
| It was very soon after I started stand-up, within the first couple weeks, I found a book that Stephen King wrote called On Writing. | ||
| Yeah, great book. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| Obviously, it's not a fiction. | ||
| He's just talking about his work ethic of writing. | ||
| He's like, I don't think I'm a writer if I take a day off. | ||
| What am I? Then I'm just some guy. | ||
| I started applying that during the day, and I figured, on top of writing my own stand-up, if I keep up this habit of writing for a few hours every day during the day... | ||
| Then it'll get better. | ||
| And it did, sure enough. | ||
| Luckily, I'm a member of the Writers Guild now, working on the show and everything. | ||
| So the habit was, really, it was that book. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| he does so one of the best of all time yeah I mean I'm a huge fan of that guy and I just I just have a thing about people that produce stuff I find that like for me one of the most inspirational things is to be around a lot of other inspirational people like when I like when I go to a UFC I want to work out After I come home, I want to fucking work out like crazy. | ||
| When I go see comedy, I want to write. | ||
| I think that's really important. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| I do that all the time. | ||
| Even with the music that I listen to, going somewhere, getting ready for something at night. | ||
| I listen to big, powerful music that will get me sort of hyped and inspired. | ||
| A lot of live shows is the type of music that I listen to. | ||
| And you hear the crowd just, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In these breaks or at the beginnings or at the end of the song. | ||
| That's the stuff that takes every little bit of mojo one could absorb to be able to kick it back out. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I really like music as well. | ||
| I think music is one of the cool things to see because it's like the energy is put in it. | ||
| But it's totally different from comedy. | ||
| It's like some new facet or some new energy. | ||
| Some new thing. | ||
| And like when I listen to a song, like some songs, there's like something about it, like there's a lyrical quality to like writing in songs that I started to realize somewhere along the line is applicable to comedy as well. | ||
| Like when a joke is written correctly and a joke has a good economy of words and the right words to describe the right situations, it has like a rhythmic quality to it. | ||
| And I think that's sort of That's sort of underestimated or overlooked by a lot of comedians. | ||
| The impact that that sort of rhythm to the delivery has, the impact of it, I think is pretty substantial. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| But we don't think about that. | ||
| We just think about what is funny. | ||
| But it's not just that. | ||
| It's like it's funny and it's also good and it's smooth. | ||
| There's a lot of things to it that make it more enjoyable, more interesting to listen to. | ||
| A perfect example of what you're talking about right now with the rhythm and like Timing and everything. | ||
| Last night, I'm hosting at the Comedy Store. | ||
| It's like 40 comedians, everybody that's new, and employees after that, and then paid regular, whatever. | ||
| And in the middle of it, a cook, the Mexican guy, El Docho, who works the deep fryer at the Comedy Store, comes, hey man, I want to go on stage, and Disastrous. | ||
| But, you know, and he goes up. | ||
| But it was hilarious because nobody could understand a single word, but he was completely committed. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he's making this noise and you don't even know what the noise he was making was. | ||
| But his commitment and his beats with it just, he crushed. | ||
| He crushed it. | ||
| And all these other comedians that do it every night and look at going up in that room at the comedy store is like, this is it. | ||
| I'm going to show them what I would do on the Tonight Show if I was on it tonight. | ||
| Then you have the guy working the frying pans who nobody understands a word. | ||
| There's people that spend, you know, so much time writing and everything. | ||
| But there he is. | ||
| And sure, it's a silly instance, but it was extremely funny. | ||
| And if I'm cracking up and the audience is laughing and people know... | ||
| Then it's funny. | ||
| But you know what's really interesting? | ||
| And you did it with that old word. | ||
| How do you recreate that? | ||
| Could you recreate that with another audience? | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Maybe that would only work in that sort of a really loose situation where it's a comedy store, a bunch of comedians in the crowd. | ||
| You want to go up? | ||
| Yeah, go up. | ||
| And no expectations. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, could you recreate that and become a comedian? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you know how that weird realization you have where just because a joke kills in one place, it could bomb in another place? | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| And you say it the exact same way? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, well, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then you realize, well, this doesn't always work. | ||
| This is a weird idea I'm throwing out there. | ||
| Some people are going to buy into it, and some people are not. | ||
| And sometimes it sounds like the greatest joke ever written, and sometimes it sounds like you're a fool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because sometimes there's something that happened the first time you did it when it worked that you did before that you don't normally do that you forgot that you did and it worked because of that. | ||
| I think a good thing for young comics to realize is that that's good. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| All that's bombing and failing and not getting it right. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Oh yeah, totally. | ||
| Because if you don't have it, you're not going to appreciate when it goes well. | ||
| I remember in my first few weeks of doing it, a comedian came up to me who, I won't say his name, but he was terrible. | ||
| And he goes, hey man, you know, the trick is... | ||
| Bomb as often as you can. | ||
| And I'm thinking to myself, oh yeah, that's what you would do, you loser. | ||
| Because that's what you're doing anyway. | ||
| But looking back on it now... | ||
| He actually said that the trick is to bomb? | ||
| What was his rationale? | ||
| Well, he goes, you know, because now's the time to knock bombing out. | ||
| If you know how to bomb now... | ||
| It ended up making some sense later on. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| So how did he have such wisdom? | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| Somebody must have told him that, like, hey, you know, look at it this way in a positive sense. | ||
| Your bombing's good. | ||
| I don't think bad comedians are funny anymore. | ||
| It makes me sad. | ||
| It's funny to you right now because it's so close. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now it's just madness. | ||
| I look at it, I just see madness. | ||
| There's people that you know that are going to try for years and years and years and it's never going to happen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It doesn't exist for them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is creepy, and I've seen it with a few people. | ||
| And it must be that with anything. | ||
| I mean, you watch American Idol and people sing, and you're like, how does this person think they can sing? | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| How does this person think anybody wants to sing? | ||
| It must be that if you're a literary agent. | ||
| I mean, imagine how many people send you stories and you're like, holy fuck, are you reading this nuts fucking work? | ||
| Come here, read this. | ||
| What? | ||
| What is that, Tony? | ||
| Why are some people so goddamn delusional? | ||
| Is there a broad spectrum of human beings and the amount of voltage your battery puts out? | ||
| And some people are just designed to dig holes? | ||
| I think that the delusion needs to be that with tons of work at something, you can accomplish it. | ||
| Not that the delusion is, I can do this. | ||
| Everybody that has ever been good at anything worked at it, you know what I mean? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| And they wanted it. | ||
| Even if you work at it, it doesn't mean you're gonna get it. | ||
| Especially with things like talent. | ||
| Talent is a weird thing. | ||
| I've seen guys that train striking for MMA. They train it for years. | ||
| They fucking train it for years. | ||
| But then when it comes to an actual fight, they can't pull it off. | ||
| They can't strike with people. | ||
| They don't move right. | ||
| They're too slow. | ||
| For whatever reason it is, they can never figure it out. | ||
| And there's other guys. | ||
| You show them a couple of moves, and they look like fucking pros, like instantly. | ||
| And they'll crush you and knock you out with one punch. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's like that guy clearly has a gift. | ||
| And this guy clearly, no matter how hard he works, he's never going to get there. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's a weird thing about this life. | ||
| Boy, it must be a real curse, a crazy feeling to be one of those guys. | ||
| It's like trying to pursue something and you're having no success and you can't connect the dots and you can't move forward. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's, you know, before anything was happening, you know, before when I was still not making money and before I was getting passed at the clubs in Hollywood and everything, it was... | ||
| Extremely low. | ||
| I was able to keep having fun by surrounding myself around funny friends and everything, but man, was it hard. | ||
| Yeah, it's depressing. | ||
| It's depressing as fuck when you're not making it. | ||
| When you're eating dick out there, it's hard. | ||
| But isn't it like a real character builder once you're through to the other side? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| You must be so happy right now. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| You're always smiling and shit. | ||
| Oh totally. | ||
| You're like a professional comedian. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| You got through. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| You made it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, you fucking killed in Indianapolis. | ||
| There was a lot of goddamn people. | ||
| 2,000 people out there and you had to go up cold. | ||
| Nobody knew who the fuck you were. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Killed. | ||
| That's the way I like it. | ||
| Yeah, the audience loved you. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| A lot of positive tweets, man. | ||
| People really thought you were funny. | ||
| Yeah, it was a blast. | ||
| I listened to the set the next day and I just couldn't even believe it. | ||
| It was really wild because I record all those and the sound and the power of that one. | ||
| Was that the biggest crowd you ever worked? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Right around there. | ||
| I should know, but it's been right around there with a couple shows. | ||
| The quote that I was talking about, this guy Phil Elmore, he's a writer. | ||
| He wrote this on his Twitter. | ||
| It says, A writer never has a vacation. | ||
| For a writer, life consists of either writing or thinking about writing. | ||
| And that's Eugene Inoseko. | ||
| He was a playwright. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| I can't sleep at night if I didn't do something that day. | ||
| It's not a vacation. | ||
| I'm... | ||
| I work my vacation. | ||
| This is a blast. | ||
| What would be uncomfortable for me is literally being on an island for a week with no internet and no pen and paper. | ||
| Well, people that don't understand that, like, you need to relax, Tony. | ||
| You need to stop working so hard. | ||
| They don't understand that you're the only person that can make Tony Hinchcliffe jokes. | ||
| If somebody likes you, you're the only person that makes you. | ||
| You're the only person that performs, and you're you. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| This is the only Tony Hinchcliffe show around. | ||
| No one else can do it unless they're in Vegas. | ||
| Years from now, doing an impersonator act. | ||
| Right. | ||
| History is the autobiography of a madman. | ||
| Alexander Herzen. | ||
| That's another badass quote that I read today. | ||
| This might be a good way to end this show. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe, thank you for being a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| Thank you for coming along and being one of those guys that I can enjoy. | ||
| Enjoy your comedy, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| So happy to be part of it. | ||
| It's happy to have you. | ||
| Welcome. | ||
| That's quiet, bitch. | ||
| Alright, thanks everybody for tuning into the podcast. | ||
| Tomorrow we will be back with the greatest welterweight champion in the history of mixed martial arts. | ||
| Georges St-Pierre, my friend, joins us. | ||
| And people say, will you do the Georges St-Pierre impression in front of him? | ||
| Only with Georges' blessing. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that means. | ||
| Tony, help me out here, buddy. | ||
| Pick up the slack. | ||
| Pick up the slack, Tony. | ||
| You mean George St. Pierre is going to be sitting in this chair tomorrow? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Don't rub your dick on it. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Thanks to Squarespace.com. | ||
| Go to Squarespace.com forward slash Joe and sign up. | ||
| Use the offer code Joe4 and save 10% off your first purchase on new accounts, you dirty fucks. | ||
| Thanks to Audible.com. | ||
| Go to Audible.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| And you will get one free audio book and 30 free days of audible service. | ||
| Thanks also to Ting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't talk. | |
| What is it? | ||
| Rogan.Ting.com or something like that? | ||
| Update? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| I'll tell you in a second. | ||
| Ting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rogan.Ting.com. | ||
| Go there, you fucks. | ||
| and save $25, I think. | ||
| 25 bucks off of either a phone or service. | ||
| And they're an awesome company. | ||
| And they're very nice to us. | ||
| And they don't mind when we make really shitty commercials like this. | ||
| Thanks to everybody else. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN. Save 10% off O-N-N-I-T. Off any of the supplements. | ||
| And that's it, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I apologize for my brain being mush lately. | ||
| I've been working a lot on this other show as well as doing this. | ||
| And... | ||
| I feel it. | ||
| I feel it, Tony. | ||
| I'm feeling a little stupid. | ||
| Help me out, buddy. | ||
| May 3rd, 4th, and 5th. | ||
| San Fran and Sacramento. | ||
| The Death Squad shows. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe in the house, bitches. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Alright, folks. | ||
| We will see you tomorrow. | ||
| We love the shit out of you. | ||
| And Godspeed. |
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