Joe Rogan and Tony Hinchcliffe dive into Hinchcliffe’s comedy roots—from open mics to self-deprecating humor—while mocking political rhetoric like "fake president voices" and undercover sting tactics, calling them manipulative. Rogan challenges the 0.08 BAC drunk-driving limit, comparing it to wrestling’s extreme culture, and critiques CISPA and Obama’s policies (NDAA, drone strikes) as surveillance overreach. They debate online voting as a potential anti-corruption tool, framing opposition as "vampire" interests, then pivot to religious absurdities—Popoff’s scams, Allegro’s psychedelic theories, and evolving ancient texts like the Dead Sea Scrolls. Stand-up secrets reveal writing habits mirroring Stephen King’s discipline, with Rogan praising Hinchcliffe’s grind over delusional talent myths, ending by celebrating comedy’s resilience against effort alone. [Automatically generated summary]
With my man Tony Hinchcliffe, who has never been an individual guest on the podcast before, but we've done podcasts before under the Ice House Chronicles, which, by the way, is available on the Death Squad label on iTunes, as well as the hilarious Kevin Pereira's podcast called Pointless.
Muff said, if you want to hear chicks talk about sucking dicks and stuff.
Sam Tripoli as well, our boy Sam Tripoli, who's one of my very good friends in comedy for many, many years.
He's a fucking beautiful human being.
I love that guy.
And very funny as well.
And so they are at Cobbs on Sunday, May 5th and May 3rd and 4th.
They're at the Punchline in Sacramento.
And if you've never been to the Punchline in Sacramento, if you've never been to a comedy club, The Punchline in Sacramento is like one of the perfect comedy clubs to go to because it's been around forever.
This is one of those places like, I don't remember the first time I worked there, but it was well over a decade ago.
It's a badass old school comedy club and some great, great, great comedy has been done on that stage.
Perfectly set up, really intimate seating.
So it's a badass place to see three very funny guys.
So May 3rd and 4th at The Punchline in Sacramento and May 5th at Cobb's in...
I just want to make sure that what we're selling is a good product.
So I get all these emails and tweets, tweets especially sometimes, about Ting, about people saying how much money they're saving on Ting.
One guy, I talked about it a couple of weeks ago, he wrote that he chopped his bill down from 90 bucks to like 18. I don't know how the fuck he did it.
I don't know what he's doing.
That sounded completely outrageous.
unidentified
Well, my bill's been at about $25 a month.
I mean, and I have to say that this is my second phone.
Nowadays, though, it's crazy because T-Mobile's, you know, their new towers are pretty advanced and they don't have the fucking, you know, bandwidth hogs that, you know, AT&T and Verizon, their bandwidth, I mean, so many people are on their network.
When something goes down, half the people have Verizon or AT&T. They're not going to have cell phone service, but then you have T-Mobile guys that are like, oh, I'm fine.
I've never had it other than this, but I've got no problems with it.
The whole idea behind Ting is that they're just going to offer you a service that's reasonable.
You don't have to get fucked over.
It doesn't have to be.
This idea that we all think that every company should try to squeeze every last dollar out of every last customer.
I think that shit's stupid.
And I think most people are realizing that as well.
So go to rogan.ting.com and you can save yourself $25 off of either a phone or service from a very cool company.
We're also brought to you by Squarespace.
So you have to ask yourself.
Do you want to make a website?
Bitch.
That's my question to you.
Bitch, do you want to make a website?
And if you do, let's get real.
You ain't going to learn no HTML. Okay?
You're not going to.
It's just not going to happen.
Okay?
Let's be honest about another thing.
You don't need to.
What are you going to do?
You're going to really learn how to put all that shit in and it's going to be all fucked up and then you're going to try to Look at it on Windows Internet Explorer and it's going to look like shit.
But look, it works on Safari.
You don't have to do that anymore.
With Squarespace, you can go there and you can create your own website.
It's so easy that you can set up a store just like that.
Brian did it.
While we were doing the commercial, Brian registered a fucking thing on Squarespace.
Ever since we had that guy on the show, we had him on the podcast.
Guy was great to talk to.
Fascinating guy.
Really, really interesting, intelligent guy.
But when it comes to history, he's been putting together, like forever, he's been putting together these history podcasts And they're like a show.
It's not like a podcast, like this sloppy, unorganized mess that I try to fucking serve up to you fucks.
Dan Carlin puts on a goddamn show, and he puts it on in this really entertaining way and gives you this thorough history of all these events, but really exciting stuff.
What are you doing?
You chatting with Kira?
Hi Kira, I'm single.
Hey dude, how dare you?
unidentified
How dare you even give people the idea to do that?
They're talking about armies that were coming towards China, where the Mongols had been, and in the distance they thought they saw snow-covered mountains, but when they got close they realized they were mounds of bones.
The Mongols had killed 10 million people in this one town.
They came to this gigantic state and just killed 10 million people.
It was amazing.
I mean, horrific, terrifying, just the idea that at one point in time, just in the 1200s, relatively short amount of time ago, there was a guy who brought a bunch of other dudes with him on horseback and just fucked up the whole world.
Banded together, took hostages, took the hostages, pushed them to the front lines so the hostages would literally lead the way and people would be defending their towns, having to shoot arrows at their own friends who had been kidnapped, their own loved ones, their own children.
The Mongols were fucking terrifying!
It's terrifying to think that just a thousand years ago, not even, there was a dude who figured out a way to get hundreds of thousands of mass murderers to work together.
Hundreds of thousands of serial killers, hundreds of thousands of brutal rapists, hundreds of thousands of ruthless, remorseless murderers, and they got together on horseback.
Goddamn Genghis Khan must have been a motherfucker, because there was nobody like that before and nobody like that since.
His sons tried to hang on to it for a little while, but...
The reign of power all really came through that one bad motherfucker.
They had a crazy saying that an armies of donkey led by a lion could conquer an army of lions led by a donkey.
They were all about tactics and they would beat much larger armies with superior strategy and cunning and just ruthlessness.
Just everybody was terrified of them.
They killed everybody, man.
Men, women, children, babies.
They didn't give a fuck.
They killed everybody.
They ate people.
They ate each other if they got too hungry.
They would draw straws, maybe, or figure out how they would figure out, you know, if someone was going to sacrifice themselves so that the army could go on and they would slaughter them and eat them and cook them.
One of my favorite things in life, for real, this really is absolutely true, is when I don't know about someone and then I find out that they're funny.
I found out about you from Brian.
Brian told me about you.
And as a comedian, one of the things that every comedian always loves It's seeing a new comedian.
Like, someone new who's funny.
Like, there's another one!
Like, ooh, there's another one!
You know, and different styles and different takes.
But when they're funny, like, it's really, it gives you a lot of hope.
And I was in L.A. the entire time.
Like, you started comedy.
And then started getting a name for yourself and then eventually got to the point where you're regularly doing podcasts and comedy clubs.
How many guys that started out with you, you know, we all have kind of like groups of people that we sort of start off around a similar time and then you watch each other either fall off or give up or some people get through the net.
How many people with your class do you think got through?
With my true class, I'd probably say about a good...
It's a tough one because we're still pooling, you know what I mean?
You still don't know who can make like a bit, throw a right hook right at the end before they drop out and have a new 15 minutes that crushes and it's a breakthrough.
But I'd probably guess about 7 or 10, right around there.
I mean, you know, I'm counting my original starting class as like a good...
You know, 60, 70, 80, 90 people because I know the...
I mean, I stayed in Hollywood and built in Hollywood, like Los Angeles.
Whereas I feel like a lot of people start somewhere and then come to LA. I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna...
I wanted to just have a...
Like an NBA-style perspective.
Like Chappelle once said, he was doing a spot on stage one night in the OR, really late, crushing, making it look like, I mean, it was just unbelievable.
And three or four hours in, he goes to the back of the room, he goes, hey, how many of you guys are LA Comics?
And a lot of people clap, and he goes, but how many of you are, like, work here at the Comedy Store and started here at the Comedy Store?
There was just two or three of us that collabed, and he goes, you guys are insane.
He was performing to a lot of comedians.
The thing with him coming back a few years ago was the audience that got to be there was there, but the back of the room filled up to the gills.
And he said that it's like learning how to dribble in the NBA, starting comedy at the Comedy Store.
And it's so true.
But if you think about that, start learning how to dribble in the NBA and you're just used to the motion of a thousand miles an hour, then...
You know, it's a more difficult but also more rewarding pursuit.
You know, you can take an easy route through life or you can, you know, I mean, it's not as hard as being a Navy SEAL, let's be honest.
You know, even though doing comedy is hard and a lot of people don't ever figure it out, it's not nearly as hard as doing something you hate and being stuck working 40 hours a week at this job for the rest of your life until your heart stops beating because you have no passion.
Right, you know what's tough is I notice that a lot.
A lot of people come up to me and say, I'm thinking about starting stand-up, Tony.
You know, what do you think?
And sometimes they don't...
They just...
Sometimes I wonder, out of all the times I get asked this from somebody that wants to start stand-up, it's like, you have to really have a crazy mind ingrained in you.
It's not something you start and learn.
Like, I... I was in trouble every class in school.
Yeah, it's a funny thing when you see someone who grew up in a weird spot.
I think all of us, like every comic I know, grew up in some sort of a weird situation where some basic need wasn't fulfilled, so it creates this weird personality.
When it doesn't create that weird personality, it just creates fucked up people.
If you don't put it to use creating something, that weird energy that comes out of a weird life, that shit will haunt you.
That can wreck your life if you're one of those really creative people or more impulsive people and doesn't do anything about it, doesn't focus it on something.
And I somehow was just digging myself out by calling out how terrible it was.
I was basically saying, wow, I just blanked out.
And I've been getting ready for this for so long.
And so I just ended up doing what actually ended up sort of becoming my style, which is like calling out Whatever's happening in the room, except I was just joking about me bombing.
For example, when we did that show in Indianapolis, and I came out, and I'm looking at the masses of people, but the first thing that I noticed to my left is this lady lit up next to the stage that's doing sign language to the audience, and I just couldn't help but to start It started just with, I've never performed in front of one of these people before.
I've always wondered what that would be like.
And then I'm noticing that she has to keep up with everything that I'm saying.
I went off on this whole run about it.
It was just so much fun for me.
And I could trust my instinct and just keep going with it.
I wouldn't have known to do that if I was just trying to just put on an act.
I was watching some parts of it, because at one point when you were on, I walked around and sort of was watching from this side ledge area, and I noticed that when you said the word at one point, black cock, this guy had to do this thing, where it was this giant, like...
If you ever heard someone speak in another language and they're just...
If you don't know what they're saying, you could never discern that there's more than one word going on there.
You don't know when one stops and another one ends.
That was a classic example.
What is that?
That's not a word.
It's like a Jeff Dunham bit or something.
No, not Jeff Dunham.
What's his name?
It might be a redneck guy.
Foxworthy.
Jeff Foxworthy.
Doesn't he have a, like, he had, like, things he would write down, like, D-G-E-A-T-D-G! Like, there was, like, you know, there was, like, a redneck vocabulary.
Have you ever seen that show Swamp People where they're just alligator hunting?
Where we're at now in the news, it's all purely speculation because the brother's dead, and the youngest brother, he got shot in the throat.
Apparently the only way he's communicating is writing things down.
How is something I just don't understand?
And of course, there's a million people online that are shouting out false flag, false flag, the government's trying to take our weapons away and tighten down security and that's why this is happening.
Well, I think if you're going to paraphrase a guy who's a fucking murderer, the least you could do is go to his Twitter page, you lazy fuck, and actually read the nutty tweets that the guy said.
The one that's dead, there's all these disputes about what happened to him.
Some people are saying the cops ran over him.
He's saying his brother ran over him.
The whole thing sounds like, and people are crying out conspiracy, but one thing you have to realize about information whenever there's a tragedy or whenever there's anything that's like really scary like this, you know, there's a terrorist bombing, is people panic.
And you get a whole bunch of different versions of the truth.
And it's not a conspiracy a lot of times, it's just no one knows what the fuck is going on, everybody's terrified, and stories spread very quickly.
Like, they thought at one point in time that one of the suspects was a missing university student from Brown.
And he was, I believe he was an Indian young man, and his family had been looking for him for like a month, and they distributed this video, and people were saying this is one of the suspects, that this is what happened, that he'd become like a jihadist and left.
But that wasn't true at all.
By the morning, we found out it was a totally different person.
So this isn't like a conspiracy to hide that information.
And I think that's really important when people are looking at events like this.
Wait till the dust settles.
Don't just start fucking...
Calling out conspiracy and calling out red flags and false flags, saying that it's some nefarious thing going on.
Whatever it is, it's horrific.
But jumping on the...
Immediate conspiracy bandwagon.
It's like, man, that is one of the worst things for the cause of questioning things.
And if you ever wanted to be a good disinformation agent, what you do is the moment that anything happens, start yelling and screaming that it's a conspiracy and expose every single aspect of it.
That you feel is corrupt.
That would be the best way for the government to protect themselves from any thoughts of being labeled, you know, as being a part of a conspiracy because there's so many nutty people that do that with every single event that it's like they've cried wolf, you know?
I was so nervous with Greg Fitzsimmons that night because he was actually down there doing shows and I text him and he said that and the shows were cancelled and he was just in his bed.
But you also don't get a filter, meaning you don't get anyone correcting it either.
So it's interesting because you get instantaneous news, but you don't get it vetted.
People don't make sure that everything that's coming through is kosher.
Not that the news always gets it right.
They don't.
And I guess it's better to do it that way where it eventually sorts itself out.
But people that would step in and sabotage that process and create disinformation, like a government agency could be pretty fucking successful at doing that, I think.
And there's probably a bunch of people that are hired to do that shit all the time.
I've been accused of it myself, but I will tell you that it is incorrect.
And then I think, like in those Starsky and Hutch movies, like when someone would say, or a TV show, right?
Any cop show.
They used to have to, remember in the old days, like someone would say, if you're a cop, you got to tell me, like when someone's an undercover cop.
But, you know, that's probably some disinformation the cops put out.
There was an accusation recently that the DEA put out a false paper about them not being able to track people by using iMessage, because iMessage is over the internet.
And so there was an article on a tech site, like if you're planning to sell drugs, do it through iMessage.
They might have thought they were going to commit a crime.
But there was no real code.
They're not really buying anything.
You're not really selling anything.
There was no real transaction.
It's a fake transaction.
You're playing make-believe.
And that's fucked up.
Because you're also trying to arrest people.
Because the more people you arrest, the better your career looks.
So it becomes a quantifiable thing.
So you can talk someone into doing something illegal and then arrest them.
And then it helps you.
But that's crazy.
Because people talk to people in the suck of their dick.
People talk people into doing all sorts of stupid shit they didn't really want to do.
They just did because they got persuaded.
Because people could be persuasive.
So if you're some crazy sociopathic fuck that just so happens to be an undercover cop and you want to talk people into doing shit for you so you can arrest them, we need to put you in a cage.
Yeah, but even that, you know, what's fucked up about that is like, what if you got like a really weak dude and he's a pedophile and he's gone through like...
You know, counseling, and he's got, like, all this, you know, shit that's heavy in his head, but he's gonna figure out a way to never abuse again.
Like, he got out of jail, and he's trying to go through counseling, he's trying to straighten himself out, and then along comes that fucking To Catch a Predator show, and they just troll his ass.
I mean, look, I don't know what the fuck the guy's marriage was like.
I don't want to crack on the guy for that.
I think there's a big difference between that and some fucking child, some consensual...
Shit he did with his secretary or whoever that freak is.
I don't know.
I hate him for that.
But being around all those people that were kid fuckers, man.
That's got to wear on your soul.
That's got to wear on your soul to just even see these people over and over again and being in their presence when you know most of them are probably...
I mean, I guess this isn't their first time.
I would assume this isn't their first time.
They probably already had sex with young kids already.
So you watch that, it's got to be a really depressing view of the world.
There's only so many different things you can expose yourself to in a 24-hour time period, and you've got 365 of those 24-hour time periods in a year, and you've got 100 of those years if you keep your shit together, but most likely no.
And you're going to spend time hanging around pedophiles all the time?
And it's one thing if you're a guy and that's your job to pull them off the street, but I'm not exactly sure what good it does making a show out of that.
You know what I mean?
Except scare the fuck out of everybody and make us aware.
But I feel like, you know, not that I mind them being outed because it's such a heinous crime against humanity, but man, it seems like a fucked up thing to broadcast, you know?
It's like, what do we want to concentrate on?
It's one thing to work on cleaning that up, but as a piece of entertainment programming, you're going to concentrate on someone who wants to victimize children, and you're just going to focus on that a lot.
It's interesting the way we label things, you know?
And it's interesting, okay, any conspiracy theory aside, that all these nutty ideas that are floating around, one thing we know for sure, there was bombs that a person put in place that killed a bunch of people that didn't do anything wrong.
And we have to figure out how the fuck that happens.
And I know that sounds super simplistic, but as a human, as a species that's evolving, clearly, as we were talking about the Mongols earlier, and like what they used to do a thousand years ago, like our most heinous acts pale in comparison to those of our ancestors.
But when something like this happens, you realize that people are still capable Of such embarrassing, ruthless stupidity, arrogance, and just horrific insensitivity towards their fellow man.
The idea that you could just take a bunch of people you don't know and kill them and maim them and you just were in the wrong spot at the wrong time and I got a message.
And there's only one thing that gets people to do that, folks, by the way.
It could either be a religion or it could be a cult or it can be, you know, some group that you belong to that's sworn allegiance to a certain code or set of rules.
But that's the only way you get people to do shit like that.
If they don't have an ideology, they just don't do that.
It doesn't make sense.
There's no evolutionary benefit to doing that other than pleasing a group of other like-minded psychopaths.
Someone, you have to be Amongst a group of people that have very specific beliefs that above all else take precedent so that you're willing to put your humanity aside for your crazy beliefs in a completely irrational display of destructive power and that you can kill innocents.
That only comes from ideology and we get really lost when we start talking about Religious freedom and religion and, you know, and atheists are guilty of this just as much as really religious people are.
Because whether you call it being a Muslim, whether you call it being a Buddhist, whether you call it being a vegan, whether you call it being a Christian, whether you call it being a Republican, whether you call it being a Democrat, whether you call it being a progressive, when you lock yourself in anything, you become a part of something that's almost been decided for you.
You lock into a pre Arrange set of opinions on things and some of them are batshit fucking crazy and just like the Mongols got a hundred thousand motherfuckers to roam across Russia and Europe and China and slaughter millions of people you can't do that unless you got a cause you can't do that unless you're part of a group you can't do that unless your group is separate from the
other groups And the only way that ever works is someone's got to talk you into that shit.
You've got to be a part of something.
And with this kid, apparently, the one that they're saying did it.
Well, I think the false flag people are thinking that Somebody gave them all this stuff and that they were talked into doing it and that it was a plan to erode civil liberties, that they would sacrifice a few Americans and clamp down on laws.
This really is classically what military leaders have been doing since the beginning of time.
Like we were talking about, armies in the past would actually sacrifice soldiers and slaughter them so that the rest of the people could eat.
They would cannibalize themselves.
They had to talk somebody into doing something like that.
But it's an honest appreciation for what she does because Oprah, like, you know, I had a friend who worked for her and he was like, man, she's like super, um, do you got to pee?
You weak bitch.
Barely an hour in.
How the fuck are you going to try to be a stand-up comedian?
Can't even...
Go two hours without peeing.
My friend was like, he worked for her, and he was like, wow, she's intense.
She has an idea of what she wants, and she gets it done.
I think he was probably intimidated by it, too, because he was working for her.
Stop and think about how much nice that lady does.
That lady is so nice.
All those women that come to her show, they feel great.
Everybody leaves positive.
I was reading this thing the other day on negative energy.
There was some sort of a study that actually showed that negative energy is contagious.
If you're hanging around people that are negative, it doesn't just affect you when you communicate with them.
It becomes a part of the way you communicate as well.
It becomes contagious.
One super aggressive, contagious, negative person can actually affect a company.
I think that's why it's important that, I mean, companies have been really focused on that.
I think ones that are really aware of the social structure within their organization, they want to make sure that you don't get, like, a really negative, downer-type person in any sort of a role.
Because if you get them, you know, they can really infect, like, if they're, especially if you had some guy, like, you're working on a big project, you got some one guy who's leading it, and he's a douchebag, and everybody shows up at work, like, ugh!
There's very few things in life worse than being stuck, like working in a job that sucks with a boss who's an asshole, right?
But when I was in high school, my friend Chris, he – one of the things about Boston, about growing up in Boston, Boston is like a really – they have a lot of ingenuity.
There's a lot of like – people get shit done.
There's like a strong work ethic there.
Like, clearly, way stronger work ethic than I ever experienced here in California.
Like, people are so used to getting up in the morning, shoveling their car out from the snow.
They're used to shit.
Like, it's a different kind of, like, there's a different kind of, like, mentality there, you know?
And if you grow up there, you grow...
I forget what we were talking about.
I had an example.
What were we talking about just before that?
Yes.
I had a point and I completely lost it in trying to figure out why it is.
Maybe you could do it if you gave him the gun and said, whatever you do, do not shoot yourself in the head right now on TV. Give him a little smile and a wink.
unidentified
There was this weird comic at the store last night.
I did something for Michael Jackson or something, but he had this huge Wikipedia that just goes off about how brilliant this guy is and how much money he has.
I remember when she pulled up she had her face covered with like some kind of like one of those Asian fans yeah and she she was mysterious yeah whoa yeah that's a that's a strange strange world we live in my friends man if I was a porn star hot chick porn star I would buy a pink Corvette and be her new competition oh that would be so rude you could call yourself Angelone yeah Or Angelina.
unidentified
That's a good idea, though, because that's how she got her attention, to sing that, you know, Pink Corvette.
If you didn't have those stories, then you wouldn't have those awkward moments.
And if you didn't have those awkward moments, you wouldn't have some really hilarious shit to talk about when everyone else is drunk as well and they can understand what you're saying.
That's why drunks have the best stories.
The being drunk, drunk stories, when they can just really cut loose and be free and not worried about it.
I had friends from back in the Boston days that have the best stories when they're drunk.
And then somewhere along the line, those fucks become Alcoholics Anonymous people.
I feel like I'm going to have to start getting into Alcoholics Anonymous soon, just being at the comedy store, going to a comedy club so much, you just have to fucking drink.
You know what's interesting about, you know, it's like either the night's going great and you want a drink to celebrate, or it's a fucking boring night and you want a drink to have more fun.
So it's like, there's never a time where I'm just like in the middle, like, you know what?
Well, you know, I'm very lucky because on my end of it, I'll sometimes only have a half a drink or one drink because I'm very little and I'm very reactive.
It's the adrenaline that you get when you get pulled over.
I would imagine that would have some sort of a recuperative effect.
Like if you're driving a little shitty because you're kind of hammered and you get pulled over and it might jolt you into a position where you could possibly perform the test a little better than you could be.
Yeah, I think it's just entirely too low to blanket that that's considered a DUI. Because, I mean, you know, if you go out to dinner and you have a drink, like a margarita, and the bartender, like, pours it stronger than normal, Are you saying that just having one margarita with dinner, you should go to jail and get all these things on your license that you think you're going to run into, plow into a school of children?
They really should get in trouble if they're doing that.
I mean, people don't want them to get in trouble.
Go, yeah, go to this place.
They got the stiffest drinks.
You really should let people know what the fuck you're serving them.
And if you're serving them some margarita that's got twice the alcohol in it and you're trying to get customers that way, You could fuck somebody up if they know exactly how they usually rock it.
They have this thing, I'm good for one margarita, and then I back the fuck off, and then I get home and I'm fine.
And then all of a sudden the guy's hammered, driving home, he doesn't know what happened.
That's one thing I've been really careful about my entire life.
I think it's really important to...
To be safe when you're operating a vehicle, I mean, the idea that you would operate a vehicle with your body all fucking half there, that's so scary to me.
It's so scary to be the driver.
It's so scary thinking there's so many people out there that are doing it.
It's so selfish and stupid.
But I think that...
I would like to find out what it feels like to be at an 08 and do any of those tests.
I want to know, what is it like if they say, I'm not going to drive, but get me to the limit, give me a breathalyzer, say, okay, you're at 08 now.
Whether it's three drinks or two drinks, and now make me do your stuff.
Well, I wonder because I've been drunk and as of you...
I wonder.
I wonder what it's like to do that.
But then again, telling people that 08 or 09 is the limit means that's probably where most people who are not in the best shape or don't have the best talents for alcohol, where they start to falter.
So if you're making a public policy, that's probably a good idea to do it on the conservative side.
Anthony Cumia had a funny thing.
He was talking about it should really be based on your tolerance.
You should have a license that indicates your tolerance.
But that shit changes too, because dudes start falling apart.
unidentified
Yeah, you have to just take a license test or a tolerance test once a year.
You know, Rowdy Rowdy Piper started coming by the Comedy Store a couple years ago, and once in a while he'll swing in and he's friends with a few of us there.
And man, he's so great at hanging out and telling stories.
And one of the stories that he told us was about Andre the Giant, because everybody always goes, you know, because they did the road together for a decade or whatever.
And he talks about how one time they were at a bar, and there were these college kids.
They're like, hey, you know, fuck you, Andre the Giant.
But they're drinking beers, and that one time a kid drinks a beer, throws the empty can at the back of Andre the Giant's head, and he goes, don't do that again.
And then later on, he takes an empty can and he throws it at the back of Andre the Giant's head.
Look at that picture.
Oh my god.
And they all run outside, running away from Andre the Giant, who got up and is now chasing them.
And they all got in their car all at once, but Andre caught up to the car before it drove away, and he just flipped.
I also heard a thing that that big body slam that was, like, from the big WrestleMania 2 where Hulk Hogan body slams the ultimate bad guy, Andre the Giant.
If you guys don't know about it, the House of Representatives passed CISPA, which is the Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act, by a 288 to 127 vote And it's – the idea is supposedly that it's meant to enhance national security by facilitating the sharing of electronic information between like this – I'll quote it – between say a private company and the government.
This is a story from Mediate.com.
And the way they describe it is that if the government – like, say, if a private company and the government deem threatening the bill's opponents maintain, it will make sharing of personal private information far too easy.
So this – I guess the idea is – what is the main – The main idea behind this bill is that they're going to be able to see every website you've ever visited.
Every website will be able to share the information of different people that have gone to them.
Is that what it is?
unidentified
You know, I have no idea what the exact specific thing is, but yeah, it seems like that's what everyone's talking about.
I don't know because he didn't veto the NDAA. I mean Obama is a hilarious kind of situation because he's super intelligent.
He's half black.
He's, you know, from a single-parent household, but he still, like, votes just like the Republicans do.
And he still does stuff that the Republicans did.
Like, it's really strange.
It's like, if he was a white guy, people would be fucking furious.
If he was a white guy of privileged background and he made the choices that he's made as far as, like, bailing out the banks, as far as passing the NDAA, not vetoing it, All these different things that have happened, the drones, all these different things that have happened while he was in office, if he was a white guy of privilege, he would be getting crucified.
It's fascinating.
It's almost like the perfect plan.
Like if you were a military strategist and you were trying to take over the company, you would do it with a...
A situation like that.
You wouldn't just go get some super elite rich guy.
You would get some guy who you would associate automatically with progressive, liberal sensibilities.
And then you'd do all that creepy shit right under everybody's nose.
It just seems like if he really could change things, if he really could influence this society, how's the time to do something?
Instead of just these speeches, sort of reactionary speeches dealing with each and every issue, whether it's Sandy Hook or whether it's this Boston thing, like...
I wonder what, if anything, could be done to sort of enact a change in a culture, a plea for a change in a culture.
And if anybody could do that, it's got to be the president.
And the president addresses, he does these national speeches where he addresses policies, and he addresses National affairs as far as security affairs and threats and various things along those lines.
But what this country really fucking needs, they need a different...
Not a different person, but a different mantra.
We need a new way of looking at things.
We need a speech.
We need something that gets people believing.
We need an I have a dream.
That I have a dream...
Martin Luther King's speech, to this day that shit resonates.
No one's doing the I have a dream today.
Everyone's doing the we're all gonna get along and change and hope and, you know, and make it more affordable and healthcare for everyone and gay marriage, yay!
No one has a speech about uniting humanity and getting us to understand that our lives really are truly only better when people around us lives are better as well.
And that united, there's enough resources for everybody.
There's enough love for everybody.
There's enough health for everybody.
There really is.
It's just the current system and the current ideology that we have is not based on the reality that we're an expiring life form.
And that we have a temporary time here on this planet.
And to waste it not being aware of the full reality of the situation is a shame.
And a guy like Obama has the opportunity to do that.
But he doesn't ever say anything like that.
He never says anything that really inspires people to look at it in a completely different way.
He never says anything like, I think you have to if you're in a position to be the fucking president of the United States.
That's a position very few human beings ever get to reach.
I mean, maybe he will when he's leaving.
Maybe he will once he leaves.
Maybe you can't when you're there.
I mean, who knows?
I mean, maybe it really is an incredibly restrictive environment and he has no room to free ball and no room to go outside of what they want him to distribute his policy.
I don't know.
I mean, I don't know what the fuck the situation's like, but if this world ever needed someone to speak up...
And someone to just make some fucking sense.
Someone to make some sense and not talk politics.
You know, not talk religion.
Just talk humanity.
Not talk nationalistic.
Not talk conflict.
Just make some sense.
unidentified
Well, I guess this is the, you know, this same bill was vetoed last year by the White House.
And it looks like You know, it's just one of those things that's just poorly written and everyone knows it type thing.
A lot of the way the government's set up – and I'm obviously not an expert on government – but I know that a lot of the way it's set up is that we have representatives and we can't all be there while policy is being dictated.
So our representatives go there and they make sure that everything represents their constituents.
But clearly, a better way to do all that is the internet.
If anybody needed to be phased out, it's the majority of politicians that are involved in making laws.
You learn a lot about, you know, even show business and networking overall from how these politicians operate because that's all that they're doing is playing gossip games and texting.
It's a broken system and they're all criminals keeping us from the internet.
That's what it is.
They're trying to tighten down on this fucking system and what they don't want to do is admit that this could all be handled way better with voting online.
Let's do it that way.
Every person has an ID. Every ID is just like your fucking social security nut card.
That literally might be where the revolution lies, is getting people to vote online.
Because they would essentially be giving up all of their tricks that they've been using over the past decades to manipulate how our people are picked, how our president's picked, how laws are passed.
I got more information or more evidence to the poor people that think that I'm in league with the devil.
I wore this t-shirt on Fox.
It was the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.
When I ordered the DVD, they found out we talked about it on the podcast.
So the people that make it, they sent me these cool t-shirts.
And one of them was that famous picture of Nixon meeting Elvis with his shaking hands.
But they replaced Elvis' head with Jessica White and Nixon with the devil himself.
And it says, like, the devil in cell, Jesco.
And I wore it on Fox, and I got like a hundred tweets going, what the fuck are you wearing on TV? I didn't even think about it.
But for a good portion of this knucklehead country, if you have a shirt on that has a devil's face and it says the devil, like, these dummies actually think that you, like, you're down with the devil.
Like, the devil.
That's where we draw the line in this kooky country.
Even, you know, even religious people.
Like, you can say that you believe in God.
You're allowed to say that...
You're even allowed to say that God talked to me.
You know, I saw a guy say that the other day.
It didn't even bother me.
There was a guy that was in Austin, Texas.
There was a guy that was at a red light, and he was begging.
He had a, you know, cardboard thing out.
And the guy in the car rolled down the window and said, Hey, man, God just talked to me and told me I should give you this.
And he gave the guy 20 bucks.
That doesn't bother me.
But if the guy rolled down that window and said, hey man, I was just speaking to Satan, and he thought you could use this to party with.
You're not talking to Satan.
Anybody who believes in Satan is an asshole.
Like, you're allowed to believe in God, but if you say you believe in Satan, everybody tells you to go fuck yourself.
You have to be, like, way deep in cuckoo for Cocoa Pops to actually believe in Satan.
And then they start showing testimonials of people, and they're like, you know, I sent in my, or I read the letters, and then just a week later, I got a new house and a car.
unidentified
And then the next person was like, I got $200,000.
When you're down to being convinced that there's a miracle water out there that is going to come in the mail via the postal service and it's going to...
Ezekiel might have been a tripper because Ezekiel was also where the first depictions of UFOs came from.
Hey, let me pull that up.
Yeah, Ezekiel was known for – there's a Bible quote that people bring up all the time when it's a UFO. I bet people were seeing a lot of things after eating shit.
Yeah, they're eating fucking shit cakes all day, throwing up, almost dying.
It was a wheel within a wheel.
It was God's chariot.
unidentified
There was guys with boats that had all the animals.
Because I got so obsessed with this minister that so when I found that out, I had tweeted something like Olive Garden was like Ezekiel 412 or something like that.
And all these people got pissed off that I was doing Bible scriptures.
God damn, I'm so tired of people pretending that book's awesome.
I'm so tired.
You stop.
That shit's stupid.
Okay, here's a quote.
And I looked, and behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire enfolding itself in brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof, as the color of amber out of the midst of the fire.
Okay, how's that UFO? Hmm.
unidentified
That's...
Somebody putting two points together that don't go together, probably.
I've got to go see the premiere of Sirius, the Dr. Stephen Greer documentary, where he reveals the truth about the tiny little alien baby and whether or not it came from the planet Uranus.
I will save the rest of it for when we talk on air.
So do not expect live tweets or spoilers.
I'm fascinated.
I actually talked to a really cool guy today at a video game company that saw it last night.
He said it was really interesting.
So I'm going to get high as fuck and we're going to see what's up.
Later, buddy.
See you tomorrow, man.
George St. Pierre tomorrow.
Yeah.
So this Dead Sea Scrolls, this guy, John Marco Allegro, said after like 14 years of study that the entire Christian religion was really about fertility rituals and mushrooms.
It was about tripping balls on psychedelic mushrooms, and it was about fertility treatments, or fertility festivals, and that they would, fertility rituals, and that becoming pregnant was the most important thing.
Keeping a baby alive was really difficult, and becoming pregnant and having a child was the most important thing that they all looked forward to.
There was a serious urgency to having children because People were fragile, you know?
And they also knew a lot about the indigenous psychedelic plants, and especially what they think the Amanita muscaria mushroom, he thinks, was one of the big ones, and that these people just didn't want anybody else to know about it, so they hid their stories.
They hid them in parables, and they hid their history of the use of this stuff.
Really interesting stuff, and I'm way too stupid to understand whether he's right or whether the other people are right.
But the guy is a legit scholar.
You know, he's not a stoner.
He's not like one of those guys that's trying to justify mushroom use.
He probably ate some mushrooms or, you know, the Moses burning bush.
Scholars to this day, actively in Jerusalem, there's a movement for scholars to recognize the possibility that Moses was on psychedelic drugs.
And that's one of the reasons why it's all a burning bush.
Like one of the big bushes that they That they associate with that area is the acacia tree.
The acacia bush, rich in DMT. And if they figured out how to extract that shit and smoke it, Burning Bush is right there.
Yeah, he met God.
He found out the Ten Commandments.
It sounds like what God would say if you're high on DMT. All those Ten Commandments, they sound pretty right.
Yeah, don't fuck your neighbor's wife.
Don't kill anybody.
Be nice.
Yeah, it sounds like what DMT would tell you.
Like, it literally is exactly what DMT would tell you translated through the filters of time of thousands of years of various languages.
But if some guy had some breakthrough experience back then that was trying to enlighten all the people around him, That's what he would say.
I came back from God.
God gave me this message.
And then over X amount of years of idiots talking about it would, no, no, no, he wrote it on stone tablets.
Well, how did he know it was God's word?
Well, God gave him giant stone.
I mean, when people exaggerate and tell stories, of course, a good 1,000 years of people explaining what happened, they're going to fuck it up and butcher it.
It's one of my favorite scenes in comedy history when Mel Brooks is playing Moses and he comes around the corner with three tablets and goes, My lord, I give to you these fifteen, and he drops one.
Who knows if that's what it's really said, though.
That's the really fascinating stuff about all this really ancient shit.
It's like piecing together the past.
So fucking hard to figure out what anybody really said.
This stuff that I've been telling you about this Dan Carlin's Hardcore History that I've been listening to for the past couple of months, they don't even know what Genghis Khan looked like.
They don't know what he looked like.
They don't know where they buried him.
They don't have any direct quotes from him.
They have quotes from people that met with Russian historians, emissaries.
Diplomats that met to demand things before the Mongols descended upon them.
I read a thing about that exactly, that they hired 50 people to bury Genghis Khan, and then they hired 100 people to kill those 50 people so that nobody knew where he was buried.
Then they hired 500 people to kill those 100 people to kill the 50 people in case any of them told them a thing.
And they would just ambush these groups of people that were under their own command in order to protect the secret of Genghis Khan.
It was very soon after I started stand-up, within the first couple weeks, I found a book that Stephen King wrote called On Writing.
Yeah, great book.
It's unbelievable.
Obviously, it's not a fiction.
He's just talking about his work ethic of writing.
He's like, I don't think I'm a writer if I take a day off.
What am I? Then I'm just some guy.
I started applying that during the day, and I figured, on top of writing my own stand-up, if I keep up this habit of writing for a few hours every day during the day...
Then it'll get better.
And it did, sure enough.
Luckily, I'm a member of the Writers Guild now, working on the show and everything.
he does so one of the best of all time yeah I mean I'm a huge fan of that guy and I just I just have a thing about people that produce stuff I find that like for me one of the most inspirational things is to be around a lot of other inspirational people like when I like when I go to a UFC I want to work out After I come home, I want to fucking work out like crazy.
I think music is one of the cool things to see because it's like the energy is put in it.
But it's totally different from comedy.
It's like some new facet or some new energy.
Some new thing.
And like when I listen to a song, like some songs, there's like something about it, like there's a lyrical quality to like writing in songs that I started to realize somewhere along the line is applicable to comedy as well.
Like when a joke is written correctly and a joke has a good economy of words and the right words to describe the right situations, it has like a rhythmic quality to it.
And I think that's sort of That's sort of underestimated or overlooked by a lot of comedians.
The impact that that sort of rhythm to the delivery has, the impact of it, I think is pretty substantial.
A perfect example of what you're talking about right now with the rhythm and like Timing and everything.
Last night, I'm hosting at the Comedy Store.
It's like 40 comedians, everybody that's new, and employees after that, and then paid regular, whatever.
And in the middle of it, a cook, the Mexican guy, El Docho, who works the deep fryer at the Comedy Store, comes, hey man, I want to go on stage, and Disastrous.
But, you know, and he goes up.
But it was hilarious because nobody could understand a single word, but he was completely committed.
And then all of a sudden he's making this noise and you don't even know what the noise he was making was.
But his commitment and his beats with it just, he crushed.
He crushed it.
And all these other comedians that do it every night and look at going up in that room at the comedy store is like, this is it.
I'm going to show them what I would do on the Tonight Show if I was on it tonight.
Then you have the guy working the frying pans who nobody understands a word.
There's people that spend, you know, so much time writing and everything.
But there he is.
And sure, it's a silly instance, but it was extremely funny.
And if I'm cracking up and the audience is laughing and people know...
Because sometimes there's something that happened the first time you did it when it worked that you did before that you don't normally do that you forgot that you did and it worked because of that.
It's, you know, before anything was happening, you know, before when I was still not making money and before I was getting passed at the clubs in Hollywood and everything, it was...
Extremely low.
I was able to keep having fun by surrounding myself around funny friends and everything, but man, was it hard.