Feb. 5, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:50:58
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Wake up, Shafir, be alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| You tweeting? | ||
| You letting bitches know right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that what you're doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
| He can't talk and tweet at the same time. | ||
| Very few people can talk. | ||
| I can talk and type better than I can talk and text. | ||
| Because it's something about using phones. | ||
| I can tweet, talk, and drive. | ||
| Yeah, none of it's good, though. | ||
| You ever notice that? | ||
| Focus on one thing, you fuck. | ||
| You're doing all three like a monkey. | ||
| I read this book where it said splitting your focuses is just, when they say multitasking, that's just that everyone cannot do that. | ||
| I mean, no one can do it. | ||
| Your productivity goes down in each thing. | ||
| Yeah, it definitely goes down. | ||
| I mean, people can do it, but you don't... | ||
| If it's things that don't require that much thinking or complexity, you can do it, but if it does, you're fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is the Joe Wogan Experience Podcast. | ||
| And we're... | ||
| This is my new character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wogan. | |
| I like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's it called? | |
| A guy who talks like nobody talks in real life. | ||
| I have a unique pattern of thinking. | ||
| You know what this is like? | ||
| This is like, I don't know if you've seen this guy. | ||
| Shane's been way through. | ||
| He's evolving. | ||
| There's a guy named Bashir. | ||
| He calls himself Bashir. | ||
| We'll have to talk about this on the podcast, but he's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| And people believe that this guy is an alien. | ||
| They believe that he's channeling an alien. | ||
| That's how he talks! | ||
| Something like this! | ||
| So fucking stupid. | ||
| Just because he talks like Amo Phillips? | ||
| He just talks terrible. | ||
| It gets me angry when people fall for really easy scams, like really obvious scams. | ||
| Did I ever tell you about my friend whose brother fell for it? | ||
| For the Nigerian one? | ||
| No, okay, we'll talk about that. | ||
| Save that, please. | ||
| This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com. | ||
| If you go to Audible.com forward slash Joe, they will give you a free 30-day membership, and you get a free audiobook. | ||
| Audible is a really awesome service. | ||
| I'm a big fan of myself. | ||
| I love audiobooks, and I love their service especially. | ||
| They are on the cutting edge, and one of the reasons why I say this is because of their WhisperSync. | ||
| It is the coolest fuck I've ever mentioned. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It hooks up if you have one of those Amazon Kindles. | ||
| Well, you can get a Kindle Fire HD, and you get it with the Audible app. | ||
| And what it is, is you read the Audible book on it. | ||
| You read the actual book, and then it syncs to your smartphone. | ||
| So when you get in your car, And you listen to an actor reading the book to you in the exact spot where you left off. | ||
| So it's both together, syncing. | ||
| So it syncs up. | ||
| So you're done, chapter three, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| You get in your car. | ||
| Chapter four. | ||
| Bob walked into the bank, curious about their intentions, but knowing that he had work to do. | ||
| Or if you start getting car sick or shit, you're just like, nope, we're just gonna listen from here on in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can't be reading stuff anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like reading in the car. | ||
| I do get car sick. | ||
| So nauseating, especially in the passenger seat, so you don't know which way it's turning. | ||
| Yeah, try reading a book in a car. | ||
| You can throw up all of yourself. | ||
| It's a great way to make your wife. | ||
| Audible's for people who love to read but don't like to fucking read for themselves. | ||
| So have someone else do it for you. | ||
| Yeah, and you know what? | ||
| I think you get the same benefit. | ||
| I mean, the benefit is the exercising your imagination and the interacting with other people's thoughts, which enriches your consciousness. | ||
| So all that shit's available, yo, at audible.com. | ||
| And they have many, many, many, many, many books. | ||
| I recommend The War of Art. | ||
| It's excellent. | ||
| And it's excellent for anybody who's creative but is suffering through procrastination and not getting work done. | ||
| Fucking, it'll kick you right in the dick and get you on point. | ||
| So go to Audible. | ||
| What? | ||
| Can I recommend a book? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| The Road. | ||
| The road. | ||
| By Cormac McCarthy. | ||
| Because you believe that that's what's happening. | ||
| We're going to shoot each other in the head and eat each other's flesh and all that shit. | ||
| I think if we get to that stage, yeah, we definitely would. | ||
| But it's a good apocalyptic, like, real book. | ||
| The movie was too intense for me. | ||
| I want to recommend one. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Ralph and the Motorcycle. | ||
| Ralph and the Motorcycle. | ||
| The little mouse? | ||
| Yeah, the mouse and the motorcycle. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Just about this little mouse that rides his motorcycle around. | ||
| He's a badass little mouse. | ||
| He falls off the table. | ||
| And does Audible.com have this? | ||
| Of course they do. | ||
| Almost definitely. | ||
| Did they really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look it up. | |
| See if they do. | ||
| I bet they do, though. | ||
| Yeah, because we can't recommend it. | ||
| What the fuck, Red Band? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is fucking false advertising, bro. | |
| I had my hopes set. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, tonight I'm spending my time with a mouse on a motorcycle. | |
| I'm just going to keep you a copy of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm going to sit there with a book, and I'm going to love it. | |
| It's for 3rd graders. | ||
| No, it's not! | ||
| It's for 3rd to pop 7th graders. | ||
| No, 7th. | ||
| It's 7th. | ||
| 7th grade? | ||
| There we go, the mouse and the motorcycle. | ||
| Look at this motherfucker. | ||
| So there you go. | ||
| The mouse and the motorcycle. | ||
| Audible.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Oh yeah, I remember her. | ||
| Audible.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Go there and you will save yourself some money by getting a free audiobook and one free month service. | ||
| And the reason why they've given you this is because it's awesome and you're going to enjoy it. | ||
| Especially if you commute, or if you go to the gym, or any time where you're spending time where you're just sitting there doing nothing. | ||
| It makes that a way more enriching time. | ||
| Look, you can hear a sample from the mouse and the motorcycle. | ||
| Oh, they play music behind it. | ||
| Wow, they played music on it. | ||
| Hey, do you think Beverly Cleary is dead? | ||
| Why would you say that? | ||
| Because it's been so long since she wrote that. | ||
| How long did she write it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When did it come up, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course we will be comfortable, said Mr. Gridley, dropping some coins into Matt's hands. | |
| That guy's reading this with his pants off. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. If you go there, we're in the middle of organizing this DVD that we're going to do. | ||
| We're going to do a fitness DVD with me going through all my kettlebell workouts because everybody wants to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan, what is the thing you do that makes you so manly? | |
| I'll tell you what it is, folks. | ||
| I was in Vegas with him this weekend, and that's a lot. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| People would walk by, not in those exact words, but pretty much going, Joe Rogan. | ||
| How are you so manly? | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty much how people address me. | ||
| Hey, who's this new guy? | ||
| Mr. Lazer got a boyfriend. | ||
| Yeah, he's hot as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Boom! | ||
| Still alive. | ||
| Beverly Cleary, 96. Wow. | ||
| 96 years old. | ||
| Living it in Oregon. | ||
| Smoking reefer. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Why else would you live in Oregon? | ||
| Would you have sex with her just to say you did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oregon's gorgeous. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You would live in Oregon because it's gorgeous. | ||
| Reefer's not even illegal. | ||
| It's not even illegal in Oregon. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Go there and pick up some Alpha Brain. | ||
| Ari, you should be on some right now. | ||
| It would help you. | ||
| What? | ||
| I thought it was legal. | ||
| It's not legal. | ||
| It's legal washing the state. | ||
| Yeah, but they all chill about it. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| Throw me a bottle of Alpha Brain. | ||
| Is that one right there? | ||
| Not in Portland, they won't. | ||
| They'll put you in jail, son. | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| I've never heard of such a thing in Portland. | ||
| Listen, we've got to talk because you're going to go to jail soon anyway. | ||
| Anyway, go to Onnit.com. | ||
| Pick yourself up some fucking exercise equipment. | ||
| We have supplements. | ||
| We have food. | ||
| And we even sell the Blendtec blender, the blender that I use to make my delicious and nutritious kale shakes every morning. | ||
| One of the things that I talk about on this podcast all the time, I can't stress it enough, is take care of your fucking body, man. | ||
| Eat some healthy food. | ||
| Take some vitamins. | ||
| It's all good for you. | ||
| And it's important to do that and to get a little exercise in. | ||
| It makes your fucking shit work better, you freaks. | ||
| So go there, get yourself some Himalayan salt or some killer bee honey. | ||
| That's right, Ari, we have killer bee honey. | ||
| Killer bee honey? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Ask me why. | ||
| Hey, Rogan. | ||
| Why do you have killer bee honey? | ||
| Because it sounds fucking badass. | ||
| It does. | ||
| That's the only reason to have it. | ||
| It's a good idea now, but wait until those bees want their honey back. | ||
| Then where are they going? | ||
| Just play a fucking cell phone around them. | ||
| They fall out of the sky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Little pussies. | ||
| Remember we talked to that fighter about honey in Vegas over the weekend, Ari? | ||
| Yeah, Eve Edwards. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What about curative properties of honey? | ||
| It actually dries you out really quickly because there's so much in there for the body to process that it takes all the fluids away from your... | ||
| Really? | ||
| So it helps them cut weight by eating? | ||
| Yeah, and then they add the... | ||
| Oh, I don't know if that helps them cut weight, but then it adds everything back. | ||
| That would make sense. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| It's really, I don't think what he said was scientific in any way, so that's not a part of this commercial. | ||
| Replenishes everything. | ||
| What the fuck does that mean? | ||
| I was like, if you get dehydrated, isn't it like, completely take it out of here? | ||
| This is a commercial. | ||
| You can't lie in commercials. | ||
| You can get in trouble. | ||
| People are like, there's nothing in Honey that does any of these things. | ||
| What they said is clearly a lie. | ||
| What they're doing is deceiving people. | ||
| This guy's pretending, well, I don't know, I'm just his friend. | ||
| No, this is a goddamn commercial. | ||
| Is this not the commercial part of your show, Mr. Rogan? | ||
| Yeah, it's the commercial, but Ari was high and he was just talking shit. | ||
| He doesn't really know. | ||
| He talked to Eve Edwards. | ||
| Eve Edwards probably heard it from some fucking guru somewhere. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if it's necessarily true. | ||
| So don't use honey to cut weight. | ||
| I wasn't saying it's to cut weight. | ||
| Unless it works. | ||
| That's what they were saying about removing water from your system. | ||
| It just dehydrates you quickly. | ||
| What do people that cut weight do? | ||
| No, but the water is just going to your stomach. | ||
| What do people that cut weight do? | ||
| They dehydrate. | ||
| No, but it's not going anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, but they're not pissing it out. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| They're taking it somewhere else? | ||
| Yeah, it's going away from your throat and the outsides. | ||
| Oh, like as a coating? | ||
| Like if you're feeling puffy. | ||
| Yeah, because the body doesn't know what the deal is, so it sends all the fluids in there to sort of fight out the honey. | ||
| If you drink a lot, like if you're an alcoholic. | ||
| It's better for your throat. | ||
| Listen, this sounds like nonsense. | ||
| You know when you're swollen because you drink too much? | ||
| You can get rid of that by eating honey. | ||
| Yeah, but I think it's soothing. | ||
| It's actually good for injuries, like scratches and shit on your skin. | ||
| It has anti-fungal properties. | ||
| Yeah, it's also, they use it as a preservative. | ||
| They used to store their mushrooms in honey. | ||
| When they had psychedelic mushrooms, they'd dry them out and they would store them in honey to keep them from going bad. | ||
| And they speculate that is one of the original ways, and this is just pure speculation, that human beings started drinking alcoholic beverages was fermented honey. | ||
| It's called mead. | ||
| That's mead? | ||
| Have you ever had mead? | ||
| No. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| Yeah, honey, people have had honey... | ||
| I haven't tried that, though. | ||
| They've used it as a preservative for a long-ass time. | ||
| This homeopathic doctor in Portland told me that honey was super great for your throat. | ||
| You know what I just heard? | ||
| Quack. | ||
| Quack, quack, quack. | ||
| Homeopathic doctor. | ||
| Get out of here with your crystals, you fuckhead. | ||
| No crystals. | ||
| You're going to say honey is good for your throat. | ||
| Your Chinese herbs. | ||
| It's 2013, bitch, okay? | ||
| Get away from me. | ||
| Honey? | ||
| With your fucking green powder and your voodoo medicine. | ||
| It's honey. | ||
| It's not pretty powder. | ||
| Get some kettlebells in your life and become manly as fuck, Ari Shafir. | ||
| Do some cleans and snatches. | ||
| There's 60-pounders over there. | ||
| If in the middle of the show you just feel fired up and you're ready to do a Turkish get-up with 60 pounds, you let the world know what the fuck is up, alright? | ||
| You go there and show them. | ||
| You got it in you. | ||
| I had 20 pounds in me and that fucking shattered my knees. | ||
| You choose an interesting soul, Ari. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes, you chose this life, Ari. | ||
| You chose this path that you're going through. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, Melissa. | ||
| I love you, but I don't know. | ||
| Chose your body. | ||
| That's the weirdest one. | ||
| Well, the idea is... | ||
| You can't see any basis for that. | ||
| Yeah, the idea is that you came from another dimension, I think is what she's trying to say. | ||
| I don't necessarily agree with it, but I see what she's saying. | ||
| Anyway... | ||
| Fuck all that. | ||
| The way to combat all that silliness is to get some manly shit in your life, like some battle ropes. | ||
| Go get some hemp protein powder. | ||
| Which, by the way, Colorado is trying to grow hemp now. | ||
| This is going to be very interesting. | ||
| Because hemp, you should know, the hemp that we use to make hemp for is protein powder. | ||
| It's very expensive and we can't grow it ourselves. | ||
| We have to buy it in Canada. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| The reason why is because it is not illegal and it's not psychoactive, but it is not legal to grow it in America. | ||
| It's a crazy thing. | ||
| Like, if you have it, nobody can do anything. | ||
| If you bought it from another country, it's absolutely okay to have. | ||
| It's not illegal, but you can't grow it yourself. | ||
| It is one of the wackiest, stupidest examples of bureaucracy, government, and the idea that the people that run things are the best ones for the job and the most logical representatives of the human race. | ||
| That shit is ridiculous. | ||
| That's not the case. | ||
| We have a bunch of monkeys that made a bunch of dumbass laws, and some of them are still in place. | ||
| And they should be removed ASAP. Anyone with power, Obama, would look at this and say, this is not even a drug issue, okay, Mr. Obama, sir. | ||
| It's not even a drug issue. | ||
| This is an issue. | ||
| It's an agriculture issue. | ||
| There's an amazing plant. | ||
| Take away the whole weed thing. | ||
| Throw it out the door. | ||
| There's an amazing plant that's essentially a cousin's different strain of the same plant. | ||
| And it's not psychoactive. | ||
| And what it is is amazing. | ||
| You can make food with it. | ||
| It makes nutritious bars. | ||
| We sell hemp bars on Onnit.com as well now. | ||
| They're fucking awesome. | ||
| You can make clothes with it. | ||
| Superior clothes. | ||
| The reason why canvas is called canvas, the word cannabis Hemp. | ||
| Hemp is what they used to make fucking canvas. | ||
| Hemp is what was used in the parachute that George Bush Sr. parachuted to safety with in World War II. I mean, it's fucking... | ||
| Or was it Korea? | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
| One of those wars. | ||
| One of those wars. | ||
| I think it was World War II. My point being, it's an amazing plant outside of the fact that you can make oil with it, you can heat your house with it, you can actually make a house with it. | ||
| Outside of the fact that Henry Ford's first fucking car, the panels of the car were made out of hemp. | ||
| This is bananas, okay? | ||
| This is an unbelievably useful... | ||
| And you can't make anything druggy out of it? | ||
| No, nothing. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| You can make a pipe out of it, I guess. | ||
| You can make rolling papers. | ||
| It's unbelievably useful. | ||
| I would say it's the most useful plant on the face of the earth. | ||
| Unless they come up with some new plant that has unbelievable regenerative capabilities and cures Alzheimer's disease and they find it in the jungle, until they find that plant, I would say that hemp is the most useful plant on the face of the earth. | ||
| And it's illegal. | ||
| I would say a fern is. | ||
| A what? | ||
| A fern? | ||
| A fern? | ||
| Well, that's because you're trying to be funny. | ||
| But Colorado is growing hemp now, so it's really interesting. | ||
| I'm really curious to see what happens. | ||
| So is the federal government going to raid them? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| We're going to find out. | ||
| Because if they raid them, they're raiding them for what? | ||
| It's an agriculture issue. | ||
| It's an issue that really should be resolved. | ||
| Because I think they're worried that it looks too much like marijuana and that people are going to grow this. | ||
| Yeah, it looks just like it. | ||
| So people are going to grow it. | ||
| It just doesn't have buds. | ||
| The buds are what get you high. | ||
| So people are going to grow it and they're going to say, oh, I was just growing hemp. | ||
| And you go there and they've got a marijuana drug business. | ||
| So since Colorado is making marijuana legal... | ||
| They're also trying to grow hemp. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get it together, America. | ||
| It's just some stupid shit. | ||
| That can't be the reason they're keeping it illegal. | ||
| That is the reason. | ||
| That is the reason. | ||
| That's the excuse. | ||
| But it's also... | ||
| There's other companies that make a bunch of different shit, including paper. | ||
| The reason why I was made illegal in the first place was it was a textile issue. | ||
| It was an issue with – Asher was everything around me. | ||
| Yeah, it was an issue as – hemp is a commodity. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| They were worried – first of all, William Randolph Hearst was with Harry Anslinger. | ||
| They're the ones that initiated it through Hearst newspapers. | ||
| They just made up stories about Mexicans and blacks raping these white women. | ||
| Because of pot? | ||
| They blamed it on this thing called marijuana, which was a new drug that nobody had ever heard of, even though everybody was familiar with hemp. | ||
| So they came up with a new name for it. | ||
| But the new name wasn't even the real name for marijuana. | ||
| What did they call marijuana before? | ||
| Marijuana was a wild form of Mexican tobacco. | ||
| It wasn't even marijuana pot. | ||
| It was a different thing. | ||
| Oh, so what do they have before you? | ||
| Allegedly, by the way. | ||
| I got all this online. | ||
| What were they smoking before? | ||
| Because they found marijuana in ancient Egypt. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So they had something before. | ||
| You're not paying attention. | ||
| Marijuana, the word marijuana, was invented to demonize it. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Marijuana has existed for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not the issue. | ||
| The issue is the word marijuana was created by William Randolph Hearst and Harry Anslinger and put in these newspapers. | ||
| And the use of that word to describe cannabis, that's the only time they used it. | ||
| Marijuana is a Mexican word for a wild form of tobacco. | ||
| It's not a slang. | ||
| Initially it wasn't, at least. | ||
| Of course it is now. | ||
| It was not a slang for the cannabis plants. | ||
| Right, no, I got that. | ||
| But when you said they use it to demonize this new drug... | ||
| Because they called it a new drug, Ari. | ||
| They called it marijuana. | ||
| They didn't know what they were making illegal. | ||
| But then they applied that name to what they were smoking before? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Didn't everybody know? | ||
| Like, well, no, we've already smoked that. | ||
| That's something else. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Didn't matter. | ||
| There's new laws now. | ||
| And there was this... | ||
| They first did it with, like, a tax thing. | ||
| You had to get a stamp. | ||
| And then they made it totally illegal. | ||
| It was like a couple of steps, and essentially they took a lot of the people that were working in Prohibition, and once Prohibition went away for alcohol, they just said, well, just fucking get these people to work for weed. | ||
| And they just went after marijuana, which was cannabis before that. | ||
| Before that it was cannabis. | ||
| Everybody knew it as cannabis. | ||
| So all of a sudden they're like, wait a minute, you're calling it what? | ||
| And now it's illegal? | ||
| And when the people who made it, when they voted on it, when they made it illegal, they didn't even know they were making hemp illegal. | ||
| Like, it was so confusing. | ||
| They were trying to stop this new drug that was just spreading across the nation, and whites were getting raped by Mexicans and blacks, and it's called marijuana. | ||
| And everyone's like, what? | ||
| But if they said, people are smoking cannabis and they're raping, you'd be like, wait a minute. | ||
| When did they start raping? | ||
| Because they've always been smoking cannabis. | ||
| But then they describe marijuana, they describe the leaf of a cannabis. | ||
| How do they apply the two together? | ||
| What? | ||
| When you said they had this new drug called marijuana. | ||
| Yeah, they just renamed it. | ||
| Yeah, but then how did people think that that was marijuana they were talking about? | ||
| How did they think that was cannabis they were talking about? | ||
| And not... | ||
| They didn't. | ||
| That's why they made it illegal, and they didn't even understand that marijuana was cannabis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Oh, and the bill. | ||
| When they were making marijuana illegal, they thought they were making this new drug, this new thing that they had become aware of. | ||
| They thought they were making that illegal. | ||
| That's why they named it marijuana when they were going after it in these stories. | ||
| So when William Randolph Hearst wrote all these propaganda things, and that's when Reefer Madness came out and all this propaganda came out that's showing, like, People taking marijuana and going crazy. | ||
| All that was instigated because William Randolph first, first of all, he owned paper mills. | ||
| And the paper mills use trees. | ||
| And hemp is far superior for making paper. | ||
| It's a better paper. | ||
| It lasts longer. | ||
| And you can grow four times as much. | ||
| You can also grow it. | ||
| It replenishes itself within months. | ||
| Whereas with trees, it takes years for trees to grow. | ||
| You can replenish an entire forest of hemp in a few months. | ||
| I mean, it's an unbelievable resource. | ||
| So William Randolph Hearst knew that he was going to have to change over all of his paper mills and all of his forests that were filled with trees. | ||
| He was going to have to change that shit over to make hemp paper now. | ||
| The reason being was because they came up with a new product called a decorticator. | ||
| And what a decorticator is, is a machine that allowed them to effectively process the hemp fiber. | ||
| So for the first time, they didn't have to use slave labor, which was the only way they did it before. | ||
| And then once the cotton gin came along, they were like, well, why are we fucking around with this hemp shit when it's too difficult to break down the hemp fiber? | ||
| When we can just do cotton. | ||
| Cotton is not as strong, but it's easier to make. | ||
| Then the decorticator came out, and they're like, look, we figured out a better way to deal with the hemp. | ||
| Let's get back to hemp. | ||
| And William Randolph Hearst was like, fuck that. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's going to cost me money. | ||
| So that one cunt, that one shithead, the reason why, I mean, that's Rosebud. | ||
| I mean, he was such a megalomaniacal cunt that Orson Welles made a fucking movie about him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| William Randolph Hearst. | ||
| He was a real piece of shit. | ||
| And that's what he did, this fuckface. | ||
| So he made up this drug called marijuana. | ||
| Him and Harry Anslinger and all the – there was a lot of people involved that were benefiting from marijuana being illegal. | ||
| It was just like when they lobby now. | ||
| In the bill, they said to get rid of this new drug called marijuana in that – No. | ||
| What they were doing was trying to stop hemp because the new decorticator had been invented. | ||
| So they were trying to stop hemp. | ||
| The way they decided to stop hemp – Was classifying it as marijuana, classifying it as a new drug. | ||
| It was just a sneaky, underhanded, shitty thing to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Want to start it? | ||
| Is that what you're doing? | ||
| I'm just reminding you that you're in a commercial. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But I don't want to talk about this anymore on the podcast because we've talked about it on the podcast a million times. | ||
| I thought you already knew this story. | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| I just didn't understand. | ||
| I was only trying to clarify when you said he made up this new drug called marijuana. | ||
| They made up the name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then how did people know they were talking about weed instead of cocaine or any other drug? | ||
| Because they said this is marijuana. | ||
| They showed you the leaf or something. | ||
| They showed you the leaf and they showed you the buds and they showed – but what fucked people up was there had been people that had been smoking that shit forever and then farmers had been using that shit forever. | ||
| What fucked people up was like, wait a minute. | ||
| The Popular Science magazine cover that just came out was Hemp, the New Billion Dollar Crop. | ||
| So what they did was they went, fuck that, and they stopped that, and they put the brakes on it. | ||
| That's why hemp is illegal as well as marijuana. | ||
| The only reason they're having hemp illegal now is for the same reason that they had marijuana illegal before, just because it looks like the other thing. | ||
| The only reason marijuana was ever made illegal in the first place had nothing to do with getting high off of it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Doctors had been prescribing hemp, the edible marijuana form of it, for remedies. | ||
| It had been in medicines forever. | ||
| Doctors had prescribed marijuana for people, like edible forms of marijuana, forever. | ||
| There was no worries about that. | ||
| They used it as a trick. | ||
| They used that as a trick. | ||
| It was just ignorance. | ||
| People didn't know any better back then. | ||
| They snuck it in, and that's the reason. | ||
| It had nothing to do with getting high. | ||
| It had everything to do with stopping hemp as a commodity, as something that you can make cars with. | ||
| The Henry Ford car, the first car, you should see it. | ||
| He waxed the fucking fenders with a hammer. | ||
| It's this hemp fiber. | ||
| Hemp is like an alien plant. | ||
| It's the weirdest thing ever. | ||
| If you don't know about it, if you've never encountered it, when you think about pot, all you think about is smoking it and getting high. | ||
| But the stalk of the planet is like it's from another planet. | ||
| It can be that thick around, like a thick like a fat man's leg, okay? | ||
| Or not a fat man. | ||
| A fat man's calf is what I meant to say. | ||
| Like that thick around and really light but unbelievably hard. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| There's nothing like it. | ||
| It's like this big, hard thing, but it's light as fuck. | ||
| You can whip it around, it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's like if it was balsa wood, it would be that light, but it would just break apart in your hands. | ||
| You smash it on things, you put big dents in it. | ||
| Not hemp. | ||
| No, hemp is hard, but it's light. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| It has incredible properties. | ||
| You make amazing cloth out of it. | ||
| It's so hard to rip. | ||
| Like, I have a hemp gi bag that Datsura made me. | ||
| Datsura is a cool company that makes... | ||
| They make hemp geese, they make hemp gee bags, laptop bags, and shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could fucking pull on it, man. | |
| You are not ripping that stuff. | ||
| And it's not resistance to bacteria and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Well, it is resistant to bacteria. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's an amazing plant. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| You don't need pesticides with it. | ||
| You can eat it. | ||
| It has all the essential fatty acids. | ||
| You sound like such a hippie douche when you go on and on and on about it. | ||
| But it's so amazing, it's hard to believe that it's real. | ||
| It's hard to believe that it's a real situation that we live in 2013 with all the information that we have today that's still illegal and that there's a giant truck that parked behind our fucking door. | ||
| Why does this cutback keep parking right behind us? | ||
| We have a spot back there. | ||
| You shouldn't be parking there anyway, that fuckface. | ||
| Treat everyone as if it was you living another life, unless they have a loud-ass truck and they're being cunty. | ||
| Alright folks, hit the music. | ||
| Ari Shaffir is here. | ||
| Oh yeah, go to onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and you can save 10% off some supplements. | ||
| You dirty fucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| All day! | ||
| So what was it that we had said? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| Do you remember what I told you to save for the podcast that we were just talking about? | ||
| Yeah, hang on. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| Barely. | ||
| Oh yeah, my friend who fell for the Nigerian scam. | ||
| Yeah, he fell for a Nigerian scam. | ||
| By the way, this is Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And Ari Shafir's new comedy special drops today. | ||
| Passive-aggressive! | ||
| Where can you get it? | ||
| You can go to AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| You can also go to AriShafir.com. | ||
| Look, that's the Jew in him. | ||
| See how excited he got him? | ||
| This is what I did all morning. | ||
| This is what I did all morning. | ||
| I did Kevin Bede this morning. | ||
| I said hi. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| Those guys are great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they're way cooler than I thought, you know? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You didn't think they were going to be cool? | ||
| I just didn't know. | ||
| Anytime you tell me somebody's been in business for 30 years, I just assume that means conservative and they're not going to like me. | ||
| Yeah, you assume they're old and that they're, like, just out of touch, right? | ||
| Yeah, something, yeah. | ||
| Living that soft world of radio. | ||
| Yeah, I just look at them as adults or something. | ||
| It's like you've been in something, I don't know. | ||
| As opposed to yourself. | ||
| Yeah, or just people that are, like, just trying shit. | ||
| You know, people think of you as an adult, you fuck. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| You know, you're, like, middle-aged. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not even grown up. | ||
| You're middle-aged, you fuck. | ||
| I live like such a slob. | ||
| Yeah, you're middle-aged if you're lucky. | ||
| If you're lucky, you live to be 72, 73 years old. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| I hope I don't get black mold. | ||
| It'll just stay there. | ||
| Yeah, if you got black mold... | ||
| It would be the end of me. | ||
| There would be no cleaning. | ||
| They definitely should do studies on my body afterwards to see what happens for prolonged use. | ||
| Yeah, they would look at your apartment alone and say, this motherfucker is like, he's a study. | ||
| He's just studying what the body can deflect. | ||
| There's like 18 different toxins in his hand. | ||
| How did it all hold off? | ||
| So what happened with your cousin? | ||
| Your cousin got busted by the Nigerians? | ||
| My friend's brother started getting real cunty to everybody and saying, You'll see real soon. | ||
| I won't have to take this shit anymore from you. | ||
| And just started being like an asshole and like, what's your story? | ||
| Like, I got a plan going. | ||
| I'm gonna be really rich really soon. | ||
| He was in contact with this Nigerian prince who was trying to get out but needed someone to transfer the money to for a reward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the scam. | ||
| He fell for the scam. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Five or six years ago. | ||
| Not long enough where it's like you must have been the first one to find out about it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tim's little brother. | ||
| What's hilarious is that he started getting douchey first. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Like, that's how you're reacting to his money? | ||
| Did you see him being told the whole thing? | ||
| No, he just told us about it later. | ||
| But you know the way Eddie Bravo, when you convinced him you were getting 10 grand? | ||
| When he was getting 10 grand, he was super nice to you. | ||
| He goes, Brian, you're about to come into some money. | ||
| Like, that's a nice white person's way of reacting to it. | ||
| And then this guy's like, hey, fuck you bitches. | ||
| I'm about to be out of here. | ||
| Can you imagine if that guy actually hit the lottery, what a cunt he would be? | ||
| There's some people that are like that. | ||
| They're like undercover cunts. | ||
| And they're just ready to just, like, find a reason. | ||
| Like, they've been thinking shitty about everybody for the longest time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just wait for that one opportunity to express themselves. | ||
| They book some sitcom. | ||
| I got it now, you fucks. | ||
| Yeah, that happens with actors. | ||
| Melissa Etheridge and I were talking about that yesterday, about people who make it, and then once they make it, they just act like everybody owes them. | ||
| Just really douchey. | ||
| Yeah, not like pulled away. | ||
| It just acts like an ass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| Undercover cunts? | ||
| Is that what you said? | ||
| Undercover cunts. | ||
| Yeah, so when someone would be, like I would smell something, and somebody said, oh, he's a good guy. | ||
| I'm like, he's an undercover cunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just waiting. | ||
| In the wings. | ||
| Waiting for that moment where he has the control, you know. | ||
| He's that guy in the movie that, you know, locks the door and the monsters go and eat all the people that were outside. | ||
| I'm sorry, guys. | ||
| Like, you still have time. | ||
| He's like 20, 30 yards away. | ||
| Meanwhile, the monster's in his room and he doesn't realize it. | ||
| It always gets him. | ||
| In the movie, that guy always gets jacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| That's Paul Reiser in Aliens. | ||
| You remember? | ||
| What did he do in Aliens? | ||
| Paul Reiser's best role was not mad about Jews. | ||
| Paul Reiser's best role was when he was the bad guy in Aliens. | ||
| He should have quit right there. | ||
| Because that mad about you was just death. | ||
| He went from comic to Aliens to then sitcom. | ||
| Yeah, and he was really good in Aliens. | ||
| He's a really good actor. | ||
| What was he like in... | ||
| He was a douchebag in the movie. | ||
| He was this guy who was an ass-kissy guy who came from this company, but then as the reality of these aliens gets revealed, he's on this other planet, as the reality of these aliens gets revealed, he just becomes more and more mercenary. | ||
| And then at the end, I don't want to give any spoiler alerts, but he get his! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| He get his. | ||
| If it's been 30 years, you can go ahead and spoil it. | ||
| Well, he gets fucked. | ||
| If you've never seen Aliens, it's awesome. | ||
| But don't get it in Blu-ray. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because the special effects were not designed for Blu-ray. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| So when you look at... | ||
| There's a scene where Sigourney Weaver is being taken towards where this ship is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they have the ship... | ||
| And it looks like shit. | ||
| It's because you have that true motion thing. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
| I mean, it looks like shit because it looks like a painting. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| But do you have that true motion shit on? | ||
| Dude, it's sitting there. | ||
| It's a painting. | ||
| I mean, it is a painting. | ||
| What's true motion? | ||
| What it is is, look, they put a backdrop on some sets. | ||
| Instead of creating this massive environment, instead of doing that... | ||
| They'll make this huge canvas and paint this canvas a realistic fighter jet. | ||
| Well, in a regular resolution film of the time of 1984 or something like that, whatever it was, when Aliens came out, that was fine. | ||
| They would just put that up and it would look great. | ||
| And it really did look great in those movies. | ||
| It was dark and dimly lit. | ||
| But in Blu-ray, you see every pixel. | ||
| And you see that stupid painting. | ||
| I'm like, I'm supposed to think that's a spaceship? | ||
| Like, all of a sudden, the movie sucks. | ||
| Like, right away, I'm like, this movie sucks now. | ||
| I'm looking at this stupid fucking painted spaceship. | ||
| Like, what do you think, I'm a baby? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| I remember when they were doing it, somebody was like, people can tell when they film this, right? | ||
| Like, nah, technology's not that good. | ||
| It'll be fine for 30 years, easy. | ||
| Well, True Motion does that with a lot of movies also. | ||
| True Motion makes movies look fake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's not... | ||
| You can see the detail of like, oh, that's just an old wall in some office. | ||
| Or how it's filmed, you can just see the acting too much. | ||
| You see so many frames per second that it becomes really realistic. | ||
| You ever notice how film, things are softer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The filters and everything. | ||
| Video is like a video on your cell phone when you're drunk and you make... | ||
| It's fucking harsh. | ||
| It's really harsh. | ||
| The lighting's really harsh. | ||
| Well, that's what this is. | ||
| It's better, really. | ||
| It's like you see things for what they really are, but unfortunately, what they really are is not that good. | ||
| When I was on NewsRadio, the sitcom, they were just starting to use HD, and one of the things they said, this is the 90s, NewsRadio started in 94, and it ended in 99. And one of the things they said was that they're going to have HD and these actresses are fucked. | ||
| Oh yeah, because they're going to see their mistakes. | ||
| They're fucked. | ||
| They're going to see what they really look like. | ||
| Because if they make you up right and they do your lips and they put you in their soft lights and you're on a regular... | ||
| You can look pretty goddamn good when you don't look good. | ||
| When you see them in real life, they don't have good skin or they're... | ||
| A lot of times, yeah. | ||
| They can really doctor you up amazing. | ||
| So what do they do now? | ||
| Now they're fucked. | ||
| The girls have to be better looking. | ||
| Oh, they just can't fake it anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, people are used to really graphic, high-resolution porn, you know, where you see every zit on the girl's ass and, you know... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| People are into... | ||
| That's why it's like, ew. | ||
| They're into what they call cream pieing, which is they come inside you... | ||
| It's one of the first things Yoshi gave me, ass cream pie five. | ||
| They squirt. | ||
| The come out. | ||
| But it's like, that's what people are into. | ||
| They're into like super detailed, like really... | ||
| The bubble and the sperm. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Why would I say that? | ||
| Yeah, why would you? | ||
| Bubbles like a straw with chocolate milk. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Bubbles. | ||
| Sperm bubbles. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| I have that projector screen now. | ||
| It says like a 130-inch TV in my living room. | ||
| So my living room now is just like couch and wall TV. That's awesome, though, isn't it? | ||
| It's really awesome. | ||
| That's like the full entertainment. | ||
| Your old room is humongous. | ||
| No, this is like that. | ||
| That whole wall is just a TV. Yours is bigger than the one that I used to have at my house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It's like small movie theaters. | ||
| Do you have to turn your head back and forth in order to... | ||
| No, you just kind of feel like you're in the movie at a point. | ||
| I watched Blu-ray porn And it was so disturbing because not only was the vagina taller than me in real life, but it was just like every single little detail, like freckle, and it looked like there was some yellow stuff coming out at one point. | ||
| Wait, would you freeze-framed it and walked up to it? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| He came on it. | ||
| He came on a vagina bigger than him. | ||
| Up and down it. | ||
| Have you taken pictures of yourself? | ||
| Have you not taken pictures of yourself next to a giant vagina? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| You should be doing that immediately. | ||
| 100 inches is pretty fucking big, dude. | ||
| And it's really disturbing watching violent porn, like Asa Akira or something like that, because that's just so hardcore, so big. | ||
| It gives you heart palpitations. | ||
| I feel like you need a homework. | ||
| I'm really not into that shit. | ||
| I'm not into that hardcore stuff at all. | ||
| Asa Akira. | ||
| I'm not into watching... | ||
| Like violent porn. | ||
| Like the hurting people, slapping people, gagging them and shit like that. | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| I see plenty of violence. | ||
| I don't connect violence and sex. | ||
| Nobody sees more violence than me. | ||
| It's pretty rare that a human being in all of history has seen more guys get the fuck beat out of them than me. | ||
| I've seen a lot of violence, and I don't like it in my porn. | ||
| No, I like head kicks inside the octagon or the Muay Thai ring. | ||
| There's no porn with head kicks, are there? | ||
| Sure there is. | ||
| There's more than one. | ||
| There's one that Tyler Knight fought in our body that was on the podcast at one point in time. | ||
| If you just watch Jiu Jitsu at half speed, it's pretty hot. | ||
| Hot speech. | ||
| I don't think that's the porn he was talking about. | ||
| I think he's talking about guys and girls. | ||
| But what they did was these guys fought. | ||
| They fought it out, and the winner got to fuck the girls. | ||
| So they had like real fights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dudes got knocked out. | ||
| What organization was that called? | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| They made it out, man. | ||
| It's some fucking porn. | ||
| But one of them was this dude, Aaron Brink, who was an MMA guy who turned to porn. | ||
| So he was like a real fighter. | ||
| And so he beat the shit out of Tyler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I don't know how Tyler agreed to that. | ||
| He's crazy, though. | ||
| Tyler's nuts. | ||
| He wanted to fuck that girl. | ||
| Yeah, Tyler had like a boxing match with Mario Lopez. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, so you're going to fuck right after you win the match? | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe they give you a little break. | ||
| God, seriously. | ||
| Well, if the girl's hot and you're really horny and you get a quick KO, maybe you'll be pumped up with a jizz. | ||
| The spoils of your victory? | ||
| Yeah, but people have to watch and put a camera in your face and shit. | ||
| You get all comfortable. | ||
| While you're coming, there's other men in the room staring at you. | ||
| Guys, come on. | ||
| Let me shower. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it! | |
| Why are you in the air watching you do this? | ||
| I did some web video once and it was in a porno academy. | ||
| You had to learn how to be a porno guy. | ||
| Oh, it was like a parody? | ||
| Yeah, and that slave from Borat, not Borat, Bruno. | ||
| Remember the little slave he had in the beginning? | ||
| I didn't see Bruno. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How could you never see it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should have saw it. | |
| You love Borat so much. | ||
| Yeah, no, I did love Borat. | ||
| I have it. | ||
| I have it on DVDs. | ||
| I do that sometimes with movies. | ||
| I'm like, nah. | ||
| It just never happens. | ||
| It took me forever to see Tropical Thunder, but I fucking loved it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It took me forever to see it. | ||
| It took me years. | ||
| Like Eddie Bravo would say, you haven't seen it yet. | ||
| You still haven't fucking seen it yet. | ||
| I'm like, dude, I haven't seen it yet. | ||
| You gotta see it, man. | ||
| You gotta see it. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| Is this the painting? | ||
| The alien ship? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It was inside a hangar. | ||
| And they were walking up to one of their ships inside the hangar. | ||
| And it looked fake as fuck. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| I paused it. | ||
| I was like, that looks like shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The dinosaurs from Jurassic Park look bad on HD. Oh, did you think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't think so. | ||
| Well, I only saw the T-Rex film, the T-Rex footage. | ||
| I was flipping it through the other night. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, the T-Rex, when it first came over that fence. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Goddamn, that was a great scene. | ||
| That was one of the greatest monster movie scenes ever. | ||
| When they realized that the electric fence was off. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| And then they heard that thing stomp. | ||
| And you see the glass, like the wiggle in the glass when the thing stomps. | ||
| You're like, oh no. | ||
| And then it comes over the fucking top. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| They're driving away from it and it's running after them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Although they don't think that T-Rex really moved that fast. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The new speculation, I think, is that T-Rex is more of a scavenger than anything. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Yeah, and they even speculate that T-Rex might have had vulture-like coloring. | ||
| Because we don't have any idea what their coloring was, their true coloring. | ||
| We just kind of guess. | ||
| Look at some of the variation in lizards. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| One of your fans should swap together a video of the T-Rexes with different types of coloring to the song True Colors by Cyndi Lauper. | ||
| I see a tree. | ||
| We slow down jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| I need to find out what these photos of this fucking T-Rex look like. | ||
| Because I'm pretty sure that they believe that T-Rex was a scavenger. | ||
| Tate just told me about some t-shirt that showed the T-Rex doing push-ups. | ||
| And it's just... | ||
| Yeah, no, it's a T-Rex. | ||
| It's on Facebook, he said. | ||
| It's like a photo that's going around. | ||
| The T-Rex's face, his nose is touching, but his arms can't touch the ground. | ||
| It's pretty ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
T-Rex scavenger look like that shirt. | |
| While we're looking this up, why don't you take an opportunity to go get my new special, Passive Aggressive. | ||
| And where can they get it? | ||
| Can they get it at AriTheGreat.com? | ||
| Yeah, you can find the link there, the banner right at the top, or you can go straight to Chill.com slash Ari Shaffir. | ||
| Do you have AriShaffir.com as a website as well? | ||
| Uh-huh, yeah. | ||
| So you own that? | ||
| Does it transfer? | ||
| Yeah, same place. | ||
| Or vice versa. | ||
| Yeah, see, this is the new images of T-Rex. | ||
| They wanted him to be, they think he's more likely red. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Like a vulture. | ||
| This is like some scientist speculation. | ||
| I saw it though. | ||
| Some scientists have speculated this, whether they're right or not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's trying to find out new stuff about dinosaurs? | |
| There's dudes that are obsessed with dinosaurs, man. | ||
| They're completely obsessed. | ||
| Do you think Jurassic Park is like their all-time boner movie? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But, you know, the real issue with something like a Jurassic Park is that it seems like something we would do. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| It seems like something we should do. | ||
| That would be amazing. | ||
| Well, the only reason why I say yes is because you ever see that Apache helicopter footage, the shit that they can do with those things now? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Dinosaurs would be fucked. | ||
| If we really wanted to go jack them, we'd just fly around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We'd cut those bitches out of the sky like it was nothing. | ||
| Just make a few T-Rexes. | ||
| Cut their balls off from their babies. | ||
| Make a few so they can't breathe. | ||
| The electricity is not going to go off. | ||
| You end up getting four or five generators. | ||
| And even if it does, we just make a bomb and drop it on them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With a glider. | ||
| People die every couple years, I'm sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| More people die from hammers than guns, Ari. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that. | ||
| Yeah, a lot more. | ||
| Hundreds more. | ||
| More people die from hammers than guns. | ||
| Hammers are a very effective way to kill people that are close to you. | ||
| If they're right there, if they're near you. | ||
| You can whack him with a hammer. | ||
| With the back side, too? | ||
| Whatever side. | ||
| You're gonna kill him. | ||
| I'm not trying to be polite. | ||
| I wouldn't use the claw. | ||
| If I was gonna kill you with a hammer, I'd just let you know right now, I would only use the flat part, because it seems like a gentlemanly thing to do. | ||
| How many of those do you think are people just trying to hit somebody over the head with a hammer to knock him out? | ||
| Most of them, my problem. | ||
| And then realize as soon as you hit, like, oh, skull crush. | ||
| Most murders are murders on purpose. | ||
| And I'm trying to kill you? | ||
| Half of them were done by MC Hammer. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Do you guys think you could ever kill somebody? | ||
| What, could you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Under certain circumstances. | ||
| What, do you don't think you could? | ||
| No, I think I could. | ||
| Of course you could. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can see you totally doing it, Ari. | ||
| I think it's been pretty much proven that human beings can kill human beings under the right circumstances. | ||
| Ari's going to kill me. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Well, you know, and you should be able to. | ||
| You should be able to if you have to. | ||
| I mean, it's not something that you would want to do in life, but say if you were with a girl and all of a sudden some guy attacked the girl. | ||
| It was going to kill her. | ||
| Wouldn't you attack him and try to kill him? | ||
| You would just try to save your friend. | ||
| Or would you run away like a little girl and just piss all over your pants and scream and try to call the cops and not intervene? | ||
| It could be that could happen too. | ||
| But if a guy was trying to beat your girl up and you were absolutely sure you could kick his ass and you had a bat in your hand... | ||
| And you're like, you'll do something. | ||
| You would just club that guy over the head with a bat, right? | ||
| And if he died, you would have killed him. | ||
| So be it. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| See? | ||
| You're very capable of killing a person. | ||
| Yeah, let's go kill somebody. | ||
| Where can we have the greatest game of all, Joe? | ||
| Well, the real problem, Ari, with killing people is that it's a power issue. | ||
| And the real power issue, it's not that logically you shouldn't kill some people. | ||
| The logical reason to kill people is the people that are doing something really awful to the human race, whether it's pedophilia, whether it's murder, whether it's, you know, fill in the blank with whatever horrific human crime against humanity. | ||
| Those people... | ||
| There's a very good argument for removing them from society. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then the problem becomes, like, who gets to choose, and that's where eugenics comes from. | ||
| What about you kill just for jealousy? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, people kill for a lot of reasons. | ||
| They kill for robberies. | ||
| They kill for a lot of reasons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I knew a dude who killed a guy for money. | ||
| Do you think you'd kill somebody if they were just going to find out you were doing something, and by them living, you were going to have to go to jail for 20 years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| You know, you probably shouldn't have done whatever the fuck would put you in jail. | ||
| I know, definitely shouldn't have, but here we are. | ||
| Depends on what kind of a person he is. | ||
| He looked kind of like a little bit chubby, kind of looked like he had a snarky face, undercover cunt. | ||
| Oh, kill him. | ||
| Kill him with a rock. | ||
| But he didn't do anything wrong, but he just looks like someone you wouldn't like. | ||
| He's a rat. | ||
| Let him drown. | ||
| A rat gets with a rat. | ||
| What is that saying? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Snitch. | ||
| Was it Donnie Brasco? | ||
| Fuck, I don't remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember. | |
| Snitches get their bitches. | ||
| Snitches get their bitches? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| No, Brian. | ||
| That's not... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're just talking. | |
| That's a gang of people who snitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're just talking. | |
| That's their greatest weapon is snitching. | ||
| Are you going to be like this when you're 55? | ||
| I'm really curious to see what the evolution is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I chose the soul that I... You chose this life. | |
| You chose this position. | ||
| I think when you're 55, you're going to act like a 30-year-old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think he's going to move up to 30 that quickly? | |
| Think about his normal time life. | ||
| 17 years. | ||
| Yeah, but if you looked at it all and did it in dog years, he's about 8. Really, you just have a slow-moving progeria. | ||
| That's what you've got. | ||
| Just really slow acting. | ||
| Your body's withered away while your insides are still 14. Well, no. | ||
| He's 38 and looks like he's 25. He looks pretty young. | ||
| I mean, he's 38 years old. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| He's fairly young looking. | ||
| I don't know what people look like. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He looks young. | ||
| He looks very good for 25 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Puffy. | |
| Puffy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Slept on cat hair last night. | ||
| If the kid got in shape, he'd be handsome as fuck. | ||
| He's got good genes as far as keeping his face together. | ||
| Yeah, it's not bad. | ||
| Look good with a beard. | ||
| But the reality is he's emotionally eight years old. | ||
| But it works. | ||
| It works, you know? | ||
| I mean, like, who's to say how you should live this life? | ||
| It's fucking temporary. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| It's temporary, aren't you? | ||
| Oh, you should be the one. | ||
| Yeah, if you were wondering. | ||
| I'm totally down. | ||
| We should start with you. | ||
| Love that. | ||
| We should start with you and examine your behavior at the TSA. Oh, yeah. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I heard that you won't take off your shoes now, which is something that you never did with me that I remember. | ||
| Is it something new? | ||
| I didn't think of it. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I've been set free by my association with other people. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| What are you doing now? | ||
| Your association with other people? | ||
| Not Brendan. | ||
| Brent Weinbach. | ||
| He's such a germaphobe. | ||
| He can't take off his shoes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I flew with him to San Francisco. | ||
| I was like, how do you not do it? | ||
| He goes, I have a medical condition. | ||
| What's your medical condition? | ||
| He goes, if they ask, I just say something in Latin. | ||
| I just say a couple Latin syllables and they say fine. | ||
| But they're not supposed to ask. | ||
| I was like, and then you don't have to take your shoes off? | ||
| He goes, no, they just have to like swab it a little bit and then um... | ||
| And then he goes, I like them patting me down, too. | ||
| I like the way it feels like a hug. | ||
| That's what Brent Weinbach says. | ||
| You're a creepy son of a bitch, Ari. | ||
| That's what Brent Weinbach says. | ||
| Ari didn't say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said the other guy. | |
| Yeah, but that's why he's doing it. | ||
| Because he wants a little hug. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| What he wants to do, he wants an opportunity to complain. | ||
| And he gets super shitty with these people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he got super shitty with the one guy in L.A., but that guy was pretty easy going. | ||
| But then he gets super shitty. | ||
| Depends what they ask me. | ||
| I say, I can't do it. | ||
| Medical condition. | ||
| Okay, go this way. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| If they say, are you opting out? | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| And I say, do you not want that? | ||
| Or do you want to pat down? | ||
| I go, no, I don't want to pat down. | ||
| But I'm not doing that thing. | ||
| So what are my options? | ||
| Are you just trying to be Larry David? | ||
| No, I'm just trying to not let them take away these freedoms from me without going down with a little bit of a fight. | ||
| I see what they're doing. | ||
| They're just harassing us. | ||
| And I don't want to just let them do it. | ||
| They're not harassing us. | ||
| But we can hold on. | ||
| We can go back to what the fun I was doing. | ||
| It all originates from this. | ||
| It originates from this opinion that you have, that they're harassing you. | ||
| Yeah, they're just bothering everyone. | ||
| It's just some giant bureaucracy. | ||
| They don't run efficiently in any way. | ||
| But they've had a lot of issues with planes and terrorism. | ||
| I mean, they really have. | ||
| There really was an asshole who tried to light a shoe on fire. | ||
| There really was. | ||
| The asshole who got through TSA? Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the shoe bomber who got through TSA? Yeah, that's why they started taking your shoes off to x-ray. | |
| Who have they caught? | ||
| I don't know if they've caught anybody. | ||
| But it's in the range of zero people. | ||
| Do you know if they've caught anybody? | ||
| No, they haven't. | ||
| They show all these weapons they've confiscated and stuff, knives and such. | ||
| That's just, I got one confiscated from me before. | ||
| It's not like keychain, you forget about it. | ||
| That's what they confiscate. | ||
| Are you sure about this? | ||
| Yeah, that's what the studies show. | ||
| Have you researched this? | ||
| Yeah, they caught somebody as much as I can. | ||
| They caught somebody recently that I remembered that had a whole plot to take down a plane and stuff like that. | ||
| Intelligence probably stops them. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's – you're confusing the FBI and the CIA. What TSA does. | ||
| The CIA is Central Intelligence Agency. | ||
| They're just a large, crooked organization. | ||
| They're supposed to deal with foreign shit, right? | ||
| And the FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But Ari, don't you think maybe just like, hey, I'll just take off my shoes and walk through this machine and go like this and that's cool. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| And instead of having to deal with it and just be an asshole to somebody that's just doing their job. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Well, hold on. | ||
| Let me get back to someone who's just doing their job. | ||
| But yes, it would be way easier to take off my shoes and go through it and be quiet. | ||
| But I saw it one day. | ||
| I was on a pot cookie, obviously. | ||
| And I was looking at them. | ||
| I had like an hour until my plane took off and I was looking at them just stopping everyone and each and every person having to go through that scanner. | ||
| The old scanner, we had to raise your hand. | ||
| And now, again, the new scanner, you have to raise your hand. | ||
| It looks like they're conditioning us. | ||
| They're putting in these checkpoints. | ||
| Who are they, Ari? | ||
| Who are they? | ||
| The United States government. | ||
| If they found a guy with his fucking shoe with a bomb packed in his shoe and that guy could have been on your plane, if they don't check, When someone goes in with a bomb in their fucking shoe and blows you out of the sky, then what? | ||
| Do you not think that there's a deterrent for bringing aboard bombs and bringing aboard really dangerous shit that could take down a plane by checking people's bags? | ||
| And you're not allowed to say you walk on that plane going everywhere. | ||
| It's an absolute deterrent. | ||
| It's an absolute deterrent, but that doesn't excuse that this is not the right way to deter it. | ||
| Okay, how do you think that they should check your bag? | ||
| I think they should... | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| But I will tell you this, that I have read this, that those things don't even check for those types of explosives. | ||
| The x-rays. | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| The x-rays. | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| X-rays test for plastic explosives. | ||
| C4, it's got a very unique way it looks. | ||
| It looks like a big brick of clay. | ||
| And if you have C4, if you have anything that looks remotely like that, they do a secondary check. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, for you to say there's no reason— No, no, there is a reason. | |
| There is a deterrent. | ||
| I just don't think they're organized in any way, and I don't like what they're doing. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because they're people. | ||
| What this is— There's 65,000 corrupt people. | ||
| Corruptible people. | ||
| Corruptible, but they're also just people that are there for a job that exists because there's a need. | ||
| And the need is to make sure that people don't go on planes with fucking bombs because people are crazy assholes and a lot of people are willing to do something like that and blow themselves up and kill a bunch of people because it's terrorism and because it scares the fuck out of people and because it has a lot of value politically, obviously. | ||
| With us. | ||
| A lot of value to blow people out of the sky. | ||
| You want to prove your point. | ||
| I don't think we shouldn't check for them. | ||
| Well, then you have to be checked, motherfucker. | ||
| But I don't think we have to give up our civil liberties in order to stop what may happen. | ||
| Ari, you're not giving up your civil liberties. | ||
| Weren't they able to do this beforehand? | ||
| You're getting checked. | ||
| You're making sure that you're... | ||
| Yeah, when they were able to do it before then, and then they found out and did it and did some shit, blew some people up, and they said, okay, we have to stop that now. | ||
| Let's be a little more stringent. | ||
| Who blew some people up? | ||
| The people who were in 9-11 who flew fucking planes to their towers. | ||
| Hijackers. | ||
| Yeah, they hijacked the plane. | ||
| They didn't blow it up, but they hijacked the plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Okay, one of them blew up, but they think that I was actually the United States government that blew that fucker from the sky. | ||
| Flight 93. They said it went down. | ||
| Yeah, well, actually, Rumsfeld said it was shut. | ||
| Was Rumsfeld, or one of them said it was shut? | ||
| I believe it was Rumsfeld who said he was shot from the sky and then corrected himself. | ||
| They just went down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They shot that fucking thing down. | ||
| They even had eyewitnesses who saw a military jet scrambling after that plane. | ||
| Have you seen them fucking harass people in wheelchairs? | ||
| Yeah, you know why, Ari? | ||
| Have you seen them fucking steal shit left and right? | ||
| Because they are just people. | ||
| And you get a wide variety with people. | ||
| You get competent people and you get incompetent people. | ||
| Untrained. | ||
| They're not trained well. | ||
| For them to be in charge of you? | ||
| I agree. | ||
| You can't say that's a blanket statement. | ||
| They make $12.50 to $14.50 an hour. | ||
| There's no training process for them. | ||
| It's so small. | ||
| That's not like a cop. | ||
| I've researched it a little bit. | ||
| I agree that a lot of them could be goofy. | ||
| They don't have any firearm training. | ||
| There's nothing they do like a police officer does. | ||
| They don't really know what the code is. | ||
| They never let them agree at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know why? | ||
| Because there's no money in it. | ||
| They're just people. | ||
| And here's why. | ||
| It's a giant bureaucracy. | ||
| And at this point, they cannot pare it down. | ||
| They cannot make it more efficient. | ||
| Yeah, but being an asshole to somebody that's working... | ||
| Asshole to someone who's running checkpoints on other people. | ||
| Yeah, but that's his job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you don't like it, you don't attack the employees. | |
| Yes, you do. | ||
| Here's why. | ||
| Just because someone's paying you to do something does not excuse that behavior. | ||
| Good or bad, this case or another case. | ||
| But someone paying you to do something is not an excuse for behavior. | ||
| No matter what it is. | ||
| I think we're dealing with some Holocaust share here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you don't want to jump straight to that, but let's just say it was something else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, absolutely. | |
| It looks exactly like that. | ||
| Why are we raising our hands? | ||
| Why are we taking shit off? | ||
| Because they're checking you for bombs. | ||
| For underwear bombs again. | ||
| Nice weapons. | ||
| They're checking you for things that you could use. | ||
| That's what the fucking radar thing is for, or whatever it's called, the x-ray thing. | ||
| That's why they're checking you. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| When you're going through a screen. | ||
| What about the x-rays that they used to use and they sometimes use now? | ||
| What used to use? | ||
| What x-rays? | ||
| The x-rays. | ||
| The box, the same thing you're talking about? | ||
| Well, those have more radiation. | ||
| No, no, but what happened? | ||
| They still use them sometimes. | ||
| They started using this other thing because it's a visual imagery. | ||
| It works better. | ||
| You can actually see where the problem issue is. | ||
| If someone's wearing a vest or something like that, and the vest isn't metal, and you go through a metal detector... | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| What? | ||
| If the vest isn't metal... | ||
| Look, my watch doesn't go off in metal detectors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Look at it all. | ||
| It's metal. | ||
| Go right through metal detectors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not a weapon. | |
| Ari, it's metal. | ||
| A fucking bomb and a switch isn't a weapon either. | ||
| But if you have a bomb and a switch on... | ||
| You likely, it would be easier for you to go through a metal detector than it would to go through one of those scanner things. | ||
| When you're holding your hands up, they can see if you have gum wrappers in your pocket, okay? | ||
| It's no joke. | ||
| Those machines are incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a dime, and it told me, he's like, do you have something in your right pocket? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, yeah, there's a little dime in there. | ||
| I had pills in my pocket once, and they said, what's in your pocket? | ||
| And I was like, something, and they said, take it out. | ||
| And I was like, no. | ||
| Well, you're supposed to take it out so they know that you don't have anything that could blow up a fucking plane. | ||
| I had pills in my pocket. | ||
| I had fucking boner pills in my pocket. | ||
| I didn't feel like taking them out in front of everyone at the airport. | ||
| You know that's what you had in your pocket. | ||
| What if you had a stick of C4? And what if you sat near a fucking exit door and blew your fucking brains out and punched a hole in the plane and the plane goes down? | ||
| I understand that, but that's not what's happening. | ||
| They're not catching anyone doing those things. | ||
| I don't know that, and I don't think you know that either. | ||
| They're not catching anyone doing those things. | ||
| Well, here's the deal. | ||
| Citing national security concerns, the TSA will not point to any specific cases in which a screener stopped a would-be terrorist at a checkpoint. | ||
| You know, they don't need to check us for the liquids anymore. | ||
| You can just Pretty much carry through water. | ||
| Why do you say that? | ||
| Because I think either their detector thing, the belt either recognizes it, they have the technology to do that, or they no longer think that's a threat in any way. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| As of three years ago. | ||
| I think unless they're using some other equipment, I don't see how you could see... | ||
| I don't know either, but they can do it. | ||
| The old guy who ran the TSA said that. | ||
| But because it's hard to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy who used to be the head of the TSA said it. | |
| Are you going to completely discount what he said? | ||
| Well, I didn't know what you were talking about. | ||
| You said the old guy who ran the TSA. I thought you were talking about somebody you met. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't know you met the guy who ran the TSA. The head of the TSA said that. | |
| Three years ago. | ||
| What was the exact quote? | ||
| I don't have the exact quote in my head. | ||
| What is the exact statement? | ||
| Is he saying that you can detect the thing when they send your bag through, they can detect explosive liquids? | ||
| Either there or in the other one. | ||
| And so we don't need that anymore. | ||
| If it's a visual thing, it seems like... | ||
| But he goes, it's really too much work to change it, so no one's bothered to change it. | ||
| Because it's such a big corporation of 65,000 employees, this army has, that they just won't change it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So again, we can't do stuff. | ||
| And the excuses are like, well, if you don't like it, don't fly. | ||
| Or you make some statement like, well, you know, planes are flying out of the sky. | ||
| They're blowing up planes left and right. | ||
| You don't want planes being blown up, do you? | ||
| So if you're in favor of any sort of, like, these guys are taking it too far, then you're in favor of planes blowing up, which is not the case. | ||
| Yeah, but they actually have busted people, it turns out. | ||
| They busted a guy named Kevin Brown, a U.S. Army veteran who was trying to check luggage containing pipe bombs. | ||
| This crazy motherfucker had pipe bomb-making materials in his luggage. | ||
| He was trying to put together a pipe bomb. | ||
| That was recent, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was trying to check it? | ||
| Yeah, he was checking a pipe bomb. | ||
| I mean, imagine if they didn't have that security, though, especially with all the recent school shootings and shit like that. | ||
| It seems like if they got rid of it, it would just open up. | ||
| Yeah, don't get rid of it. | ||
| You've got to definitely go back to the old way, and you've definitely got to lock the cockpit door and tell them not to open it for any reasons. | ||
| What's the old way? | ||
| What is the issue? | ||
| Well, what did we do in 2000? | ||
| What did we do there for security? | ||
| Well, whatever they did, it didn't work to detect box cutters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So we should figure out what they're doing now that's different and then figure out if you really want to criticize it. | ||
| What it is is it's a checkpoint. | ||
| Not checking people for bombs and for things that are going to try to kill people on a plane and take down a plane. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Box cutters, but they've proven over again, you can get those on now. | ||
| You can still get those on. | ||
| Over and over again, they've proven that. | ||
| Okay, someone's incompetent, but that's not the fault of the people that have arranged this system. | ||
| I'm saying it doesn't really work for what would have happened. | ||
| What would have worked is just lock the cockpit door. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they do that now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a new thing they've learned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For the most part, that's problem solved. | ||
| That solved 9-11, the way they did it there. | ||
| So you agree that they have to check your bags to make sure you don't have bombs? | ||
| Yeah, check something. | ||
| Okay, so what do you have a problem with specifically that you get so riled up? | ||
| That it's a 65,000 person army that has control over us. | ||
| That can tell you, come with me, open up that, let everyone look at you. | ||
| They can push people that have no legs. | ||
| They can embarrass old ladies. | ||
| And we have to do what they say. | ||
| They can steal our belongings. | ||
| And we have to do what they say. | ||
| And there's just an untrained, random dudes that are doing that. | ||
| That are making us raise our hand like we're under arrest. | ||
| And I just don't like it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| It's just gross. | ||
| The whole thing is gross. | ||
| No one likes it. | ||
| No one goes there and goes, thank God these guys are doing their job. | ||
| We reacted under a time of intense, intense emotion. | ||
| But we didn't really have time to think it out. | ||
| And now we already have all these things in place and we can't rethink what the TSA is. | ||
| Wasn't there checks before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They used to check your luggage. | ||
| Go through a radar detector. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or whatever it's called. | ||
| Not radar detector. | ||
| X-ray. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They've always checked it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what specifically is the issue? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The pat-downs, the… But they only pat down if you opt out. | |
| I don't get patted down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've never had a problem with anything. | ||
| I fly right through the security. | ||
| I'm in and out and gone. | ||
| It's like why even bother… Making that harder or more, like, especially if you have some weed on you or something ridiculous. | ||
| Hey, hey, easy. | ||
| I mean, fake weed. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing flying with weed? | ||
| I'm talking about tobacco. | ||
| They're just a bunch of people you put up with, like the authorities. | ||
| Yes, but I think that's the issue whenever you have people that are in any sort of position. | ||
| It becomes a job. | ||
| Whatever it is, it needs to be done. | ||
| You've got to guard because aliens are coming in. | ||
| There's a fucking spot where the aliens land. | ||
| You've got to be ready. | ||
| You've got to have guys there ready to guard it. | ||
| Well, those guys are going to fuck off. | ||
| They're guys. | ||
| They're normal people. | ||
| No matter what you do, you're always going to have people that poorly implement whatever strategy you have. | ||
| So you think they're great, the TSA? You think 100%? | ||
| That doesn't mean I think they're great. | ||
| You're not a child. | ||
| You know what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I know. | |
| So I'm saying, so what do you think is their problem? | ||
| Why would you say that? | ||
| You think they're great? | ||
| I wouldn't say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I know. | |
| You're enforcing your opinion. | ||
| You're enforcing your opinion by exaggerating mine. | ||
| No, because I want you to tell me what you think the problems are with TSA. Okay, the problems are with TSA the same problems they are with any system where people get in any position of power over people. | ||
| They automatically act like douchebags. | ||
| It's the same as security guards. | ||
| I mean, it's the same as bouncers at clubs. | ||
| It's the same as some cops. | ||
| It's a difficult thing to have that kind of power over people and not abuse it and not be cunty about it. | ||
| Remember when we got to the airport and there was this one guy who was being just really attention whorey? | ||
| Attention ladies and gentlemen, please get your... | ||
| He was like, don't do this big speech. | ||
| Everybody got annoyed by him. | ||
| And then I would like one more request. | ||
| Everybody please smile. | ||
| Like, you fucking weirdo. | ||
| You just put on a show, you fuckhead. | ||
| He was like a street performer or something. | ||
| I mean, that's what it was doing. | ||
| He decided this is what he does. | ||
| Because everybody has to listen. | ||
| Because he's the man with the power, the TSA guy. | ||
| But that's just one douchey guy. | ||
| I've met a million people that do it that are friendly as hell. | ||
| You're like, did you have a good time? | ||
| Yeah, it was great, great. | ||
| Enjoy Chicago? | ||
| Chicago is awesome. | ||
| Boom, you're in, you're out, everything's fine. | ||
| We're just interacting with some people that are doing their job. | ||
| And I personally find I've never had a problem. | ||
| They've always been pleasant to me. | ||
| No one's ever got douchey with me. | ||
| If I accidentally have my belt on, I say, I'm sorry, and I take the belt off and I put it in the thing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's simple. | ||
| It's not prostrating. | ||
| It's just being nice to people while you're doing their gig. | ||
| Their gig doesn't bother me, okay? | ||
| I'm not flying with any bombs. | ||
| I'm not flying with any guns. | ||
| So I'm not worried about them checking my underwear, okay? | ||
| My bag's pretty simple. | ||
| Go ahead and look in there. | ||
| There's some toothbrush, some toothpaste. | ||
| There's nothing to worry about, you know? | ||
| So as long as there's nothing to worry about, you sail right through. | ||
| Do I think that is this ideal? | ||
| Yeah, but under that logic, they could tap your phone if you're law-abiding. | ||
| No, that is not the same logic. | ||
| Jesus Christ, looking at your underwear? | ||
| Because tapping your phone, listen to intimate conversations, find out aspects of your life that you wouldn't want revealed, find out where you live, what you're doing, what your plans are. | ||
| That's not the same thing as checking for a bomb. | ||
| But under those circumstances, it sort of is. | ||
| Just looking at intimate parts of your life and they can look through your stuff. | ||
| They're looking at clothes. | ||
| I mean, unless you've got a bag of dildos, which, by the way, Stanhope did. | ||
| What if you're in the closet and you have a gay porn in there? | ||
| He actually, on purpose, brought a bag of fucking, after September 11th, he had a whole suitcase filled with rubber fists and rubber vaginas and fists and dicks and just everything. | ||
| And he just sent it through the x-ray so that they had to open it up and check it. | ||
| He's like, yeah, yeah, that's my stuff. | ||
| Ari, if you go to the Burbank airport... | ||
| I'd say he turned one of them on. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Something like that, so they had to find which one it was. | ||
| Oh, what it was... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you go to the Burbank airport, almost... | ||
| Every single person that works there, the staff, the people that check you, I've never had one problem. | ||
| Those are the most friendliest motherfuckers ever. | ||
| Just doing their job. | ||
| Aren't you scared from being such an asshole, I guess, is what you would call it, to these people, to get on some kind of no-fly list Especially since you're a comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's definitely a fear. | ||
| Isn't it easier? | ||
| And here's where that fear comes. | ||
| From them holding over you that if you cause too much trouble for us, we're going to threaten you to fear that you will no longer be allowed to fly. | ||
| That's a real thought that people have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You're not the first one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| To stop terrorism, they are – to help them stop terrorism would be someone – put someone like me. | ||
| Or someone who mouths off too much on a no-fly list. | ||
| That would help us stop terrorism. | ||
| To make people live in fear. | ||
| But they might decide that you make things very uncomfortable and unpleasant for a lot of people around you as well when you're at the airport. | ||
| Because you're yelling out. | ||
| A lot of people are scared to say it on podcasts too or anything like that. | ||
| Just for the sake of being careful. | ||
| That's a real thought people have. | ||
| They can just do this to you. | ||
| They can grab your ability to fly in the dark like a fucking gulag and just take you out of there. | ||
| Alright, my friend is so scared to fly that she has to take so much drugs just to calm her heart rate down. | ||
| Just enough so she can even be there. | ||
| If you start being intense to her, she will freak out. | ||
| You know, if you were to be intense around her, she might go crazy. | ||
| Well, if she was scared of the dentist and I was intense at the dentist, it would be the same thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, she's not my responsibility. | ||
| If you're a weak bitch. | ||
| Yeah, but flying's a big deal for a lot of people. | ||
| I mean, my mom's scared to fly. | ||
| I know a lot of people are scared to fly. | ||
| Bert Kreischer gets blackout drunk before he flies. | ||
| I think Bert Kreischer would blackout drunk because you made him go to the movies. | ||
| I gotta go to the movies? | ||
| Oh, it's time to get fucked up. | ||
| Well, he's also scared of balloons, Joe. | ||
| Oh, you got a fucking balloon? | ||
| Jesus Christ, where's the booze? | ||
| Yeah, Bert Kreiss is using that shit, and it's an excuse. | ||
| He's away from his wife and kids. | ||
| He's got no responsibility. | ||
| He's gonna get hammered on a plane. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that, Bert. | ||
| Just fess up. | ||
| Fess up with your anxiety ridden. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| I don't mind taking the shoes off. | ||
| It's not that. | ||
| It's just their being there. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I think they're necessary. | ||
| I think at this point in our reality, I wish they weren't necessary. | ||
| I wish I didn't have to believe, and I'm not necessarily saying that It has to be run the way it's run. | ||
| I don't think it's efficient, but I don't think that anything's efficient. | ||
| You know what else isn't efficient? | ||
| The DMV. Do you go to the DMV when you go to get your fucking license and start screaming, We didn't ask for this! | ||
| I want a fucking car! | ||
| I don't want to deal with your bullshit! | ||
| It's a corrupt organization! | ||
| But I can renew my license online. | ||
| I don't have to come in contact with them. | ||
| Can you really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can renew it online now? | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Yeah, they can't go in there and take a photo or anything. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Well, you know, there's a thing you could do at the TSA where you get pre-approved. | ||
| And when you get pre-approved, you don't even take your shoes off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You just go right through. | ||
| Because you fly a lot, they assume you wouldn't be a person. | ||
| Well, no, they do a check on you. | ||
| They do a check to make sure you're not some fucking psycho. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Make sure you never got arrested at the airport for harassing the TSA. I thought you were going to get arrested. | ||
| Why would I be arrested? | ||
| While Ari was yelling at them because you were yelling at people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that illegal? | |
| Swearing at them, calling them fucking idiots? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he was calling them fucking idiots. | ||
| Why is that illegal? | ||
| Though he did threaten to bring over the cops on me. | ||
| When I said that, the TSA, the trained authority over me, said, I'll bring over a metropolitan police officer if I say, you're an idiot. | ||
| The TSA doesn't actually arrest you. | ||
| The other people arrest you. | ||
| What they're worried about is that you were being aggressive, and they thought that you could have been a crazy person. | ||
| Disordinary conduct, man. | ||
| They drove me crazy. | ||
| Right, but the way you reacted to it is like... | ||
| Don't you think that's weird though that everyone's a little scared of... | ||
| No, I'm not scared of them. | ||
| Don't you think that's a little weird that everyone's scared of being put in this no-fly zone? | ||
| Like, that's a real thought. | ||
| Like, don't piss them off or they'll put you on a no-fly list. | ||
| I'm not scared of TSA at all. | ||
| You should be worried about government corruption. | ||
| And anybody that puts you in a government no-fly list because you have espoused views that they don't feel like fits the company line, that's very scary. | ||
| Yeah, it's a problem. | ||
| It's very scary and very dangerous. | ||
| But that's not what's going on here. | ||
| What you need to worry about being put on a no-fly list is just because of your behavior. | ||
| It's just you made a scene. | ||
| I'm allowed to call him an idiot all I want. | ||
| It's not the way you're doing it. | ||
| The way you're doing it, you yelled and you escalated and you made it a big deal. | ||
| So what are your problems with TSA? It's not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not efficient. | |
| When people get in a position of power, they actually do feel like you have to listen to them. | ||
| I mean, I've had that with bosses. | ||
| We've all had that with teachers. | ||
| When people get in a position of power, they act as if they have some indefensible authority over you. | ||
| They're powerful. | ||
| And it's a natural thing. | ||
| Well, that's opportunistic people. | ||
| That's poor people also. | ||
| They were laughing at those naked pictures of people. | ||
| They were sitting in control and laughing. | ||
| I would too. | ||
| You would too. | ||
| We had that job. | ||
| So I wouldn't have that being a job. | ||
| Ari, you'd probably come on those pictures. | ||
| I probably would. | ||
| I wouldn't be any better. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I wouldn't be any better if I was in that job. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'd view the fucking travelers as the enemy also. | ||
| I don't think it's that bad of a job. | ||
| I don't think it's that big of a deal. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| You're just harassing people. | ||
| That's your job. | ||
| It's to harass people. | ||
| I've never been harassed. | ||
| Just because you have doesn't mean it's a real thing that no one has. | ||
| So it's like obviously there's some times. | ||
| You have people doing anything in a position of power. | ||
| There's a certain percentage of Wrong interactions are going to take place where people are going to be harassed. | ||
| Why are we putting untrained people in these positions of power over us? | ||
| Because it would cost even more fucking taxpayer money to train these assholes and to pay them more money and to go and get more qualified, more socially advanced people for the job. | ||
| I mean, what are you going to do? | ||
| Where are you going to get them? | ||
| You're getting people, a lot of these people that work for the TSA, there's not a lot of other jobs. | ||
| And that's what the issue is. | ||
| They have to take this job. | ||
| It's not a bad job. | ||
| What do you want to do? | ||
| They can't downsize it now. | ||
| They're unable to. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| 65,000 employees. | ||
| It would make a tremendous dent. | ||
| You would see the mark on the unemployment rates. | ||
| I'm not necessarily saying that they need to downsize it. | ||
| They need to make it more efficient and it would be nice if people were more pleasant. | ||
| Possibly privatize it. | ||
| That's an issue with human beings. | ||
| Maybe privatize it. | ||
| Even if they privatized it, man, it'd be even creepier because then it would be some fucking giant corporation instead of some inept government agency. | ||
| That's what it was before. | ||
| Airlines would hire people. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I don't know if that's good or bad. | ||
| I really don't know. | ||
| But what I do know is that your anger about it is going to get you in trouble. | ||
| Yeah, if you were screaming, that's scary. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You should not scream at anyone, man. | ||
| That's putting out bad energy. | ||
| He goes, I'm calling over my supervisor, and the supervisor comes over, he goes, oh great. | ||
| He goes, the head idiot in this corrupt organization. | ||
| He goes, the fuck are you doing? | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| He's talking to him like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What if he was a listener and a fan of yours? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would have nothing to do with my feelings about his job. | |
| I bought your comedy CD online. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| So what if he's punching nuns just because he said he's a fan of mine? | ||
| He's also a person with a job. | ||
| I know, but I've already told you. | ||
| I have a job. | ||
| Yeah, but you need to go above that. | ||
| If you really care this much about it, you need to fight the guy that's in charge of all. | ||
| It's not the employees that are just trying to work on kids, families. | ||
| I try on Twitter sometimes to tell everybody that the head of the TSA, the guy who ran the TSA, is the guy who Who owned the company that made those scanners that we don't use anymore. | ||
| He was the one who said, we need those scanners, and then he sold it to himself. | ||
| So the head of this company... | ||
| Are you sure about that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was the former head. | ||
| Went to this. | ||
| He got the contract. | ||
| Opened up. | ||
| Spent all his money. | ||
| That he used for two years and got rid of now. | ||
| The one that wasn't fully tested, I guess. | ||
| He made billions. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Billions? | ||
| So much money. | ||
| Do you know how much one of those things cost? | ||
| How much? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| $70. | ||
| More than $70. | ||
| And they have them everywhere. | ||
| And the only reason we had them, we didn't invent this time that somebody was like, oh, somebody tried to get through, we need this. | ||
| He just said, yeah, we need it now, for no reason. | ||
| And now he has to be it. | ||
| That's just from the start! | ||
| Former TSA director Michael Chertoff owns Body Scanning Company. | ||
| So he's the former director. | ||
| So he left and started a business that makes these body scanners and then sold them to the TSA, like the TSA had to buy his business. | ||
| So that sounds like some fuckery for sure. | ||
| Chertoff's advocacy for the technology dates back to his time in the Bush administration. | ||
| In 2005, Homeland Security ordered the government's first batch of the scanners, five from the California-based rapid scan systems. | ||
| Today, 40 body scanners are in 19 airports. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| The TSA purchased 150 machines from them with $25 million in American Recovery and Reinvestment Act funds. | ||
| So, in this summer, when, you know, there's like, oh man, we gotta bring this economy back. | ||
| Remember when they were throwing all that money back in? | ||
| Just invent the jobs. | ||
| They made, they threw 25 million dollars at this cunt in his stupid fucking scanning machines. | ||
| Yeah, if you had to choose between money going to that or money going to mental health and education, nutrition for school kids, fuck you. | ||
| I just think you should fight it on a larger scale than attacking poor employees of Burbank Airport or LAX Airport when they're just trying to do their job. | ||
| I already told you, I don't respect that just trying to do my job argument in any way. | ||
| That's not an excuse for anything. | ||
| But you're making it unpleasant, but you're still going through it. | ||
| All you're doing is making it unpleasant. | ||
| Yeah, I would like to make it unpleasant for them. | ||
| Let me ask you a question. | ||
| What if they would go further to get better testing, even more testing, even more clear about what you have in you? | ||
| Why would they have to go further? | ||
| Well, they already did to get these scanners. | ||
| Right, but why would they have to go further than that? | ||
| Why would they have to go that far? | ||
| Because they didn't have scanners that could see bombs. | ||
| I think it's just more efficient. | ||
| If you were strapped wearing a vest or if you were wearing drugs taped to your body or if you were concealing something like a plastic weapon. | ||
| Wouldn't strip search be the best thing? | ||
| I guess strip search would be the best thing. | ||
| Yeah, but so why would we not go that far? | ||
| It's sort of a slippery slope, and I don't see why it's gone this far, and I don't know why it wouldn't go even further. | ||
| Well, the only way it would go even further is if something cataclysmic happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the scanners didn't – there wasn't a result of anything happening. | ||
| Or anything even trying to happen. | ||
| No, but it's just more efficient. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Joe used to go through those old machines with his watch on. | ||
| Every time he was like, look at this. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Now that doesn't happen. | ||
| It's just better technology. | ||
| They got new iPhones. | ||
| It really is better technology. | ||
| I think I made a forum post. | ||
| Maybe I didn't. | ||
| Maybe I said I was going to and I decided not to. | ||
| Wouldn't a strip search be the best technology? | ||
| Yeah, but we don't need that. | ||
| Yeah, but they're not doing that. | ||
| You're arguing against them escalating past the point where they are at right now. | ||
| But they escalated past the point where they were before, and it wasn't based on any need. | ||
| It wasn't based on a need. | ||
| Joe is going through that old machine with his watch on. | ||
| With his watch on. | ||
| You keep telling him about his watch. | ||
| Who cares about his watch? | ||
| That wasn't a thing. | ||
| That's a perfect example. | ||
| It's on an efficient machine. | ||
| You could use the same parts. | ||
| If it didn't detect your watch, that's fine. | ||
| If it didn't detect a bomb or a knife, that's not fine. | ||
| You would need to show me an example of some time they didn't detect a bomb or a knife. | ||
| They didn't see plastic knives. | ||
| Those radar things didn't see plastic knives that you have concealed and taped to your body. | ||
| They have plastic knives that are made of this composite plastic. | ||
| They can fucking kill you easy. | ||
| And they can see those now? | ||
| Yeah, they can see those now. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that used to be indetectable that they could find. | ||
| What if they invent something that these things can't detect? | ||
| But Ari, for you, it's not a different experience. | ||
| You put your shit down, you walk through. | ||
| I just don't like that they're taking the power. | ||
| I just don't like that they're making a step through these checkpoints. | ||
| I don't like that they have control and there's no say. | ||
| But yet you go through it. | ||
| Because I have to. | ||
| So you decide that what you're going to do is go through it and just annoy people. | ||
| That's very childish, though. | ||
| Well, that's like a waste of energy. | ||
| It's kind of like the seat on the airplane, Joe. | ||
| Like the seat in the airplane? | ||
| Yeah, leaning back your seat on the airplane when you're like yelling and kicking the back of the person. | ||
| Oh, that Ari does that. | ||
| He knees people's seat if they lean back on him. | ||
| He gets upset that you lean your seat back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You guys still think that? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, I think it sucks that they have it so that people will use it. | ||
| But it sucks that there's like no space. | ||
| It sucks that everybody gets no space. | ||
| There's already no space and you're trusting Delta to decide how much you should be able to lean back. | ||
| The reality is everybody has a seat and everybody's seat has a button. | ||
| And if he does that, you can do that too. | ||
| And everybody sort of accepts that. | ||
| You decide that you don't agree with it. | ||
| What if your seat went back even further? | ||
| Don't say that because it doesn't. | ||
| What if it went back less far? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Then you would have nothing to argue about. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Here's what I'm saying. | ||
| That you are trusting Delta or American or United to tell you as a person how much room you can take away from the person behind you. | ||
| You're not taking away that person's room. | ||
| Everyone's sharing space already. | ||
| You're absolutely taking away their room. | ||
| And if you have a chair, and your chair goes like this, and the person behind you has a chair, and their chair goes like that also, you've just shared space in a different way. | ||
| You're not taking away any room. | ||
| Making a sandwich. | ||
| Well, the emergency exit row goes back. | ||
| Not everyone goes back. | ||
| Okay, so you know why? | ||
| Emergency exit row is to get that little extra space for their legs. | ||
| Also, the guy in the back doesn't get back. | ||
| It's not like you have to move back. | ||
| Have you not seen those pictures of somebody slammed up? | ||
| So that means one person, the emergency exit row, that person doesn't annoy potential Ari Shaffir's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you not seen that picture? | |
| That's why you don't fly. | ||
| I've seen pictures of us. | ||
| Have you not seen a picture of crumpled up where the guy can't even use his computer because the person in front of him leaned backwards? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that. | ||
| All right, and you know what? | ||
| That's why you go to your… You wouldn't think that would be a cooler thing to do to not lean back and take away that space? | ||
| Do you know that if you leaned back when that guy is doing that that you would no longer have that issue? | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| That doesn't make up for it. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| That doesn't make up for it. | ||
| That doesn't add the same amount of space to you. | ||
| You still can't see it. | ||
| When they're back here, I've already looked at it. | ||
| So it's purely a laptop issue. | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just all sorts of comfort issue. | |
| If you want to look at the screen in front of you and the guy leans back, you're like, ugh. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's annoying when people lean back in front of you. | ||
| Everyone gets annoyed by that. | ||
| Everyone does. | ||
| Again, but that doesn't mean you should kick the back of their – make their whole day horrible because – Honestly, Brian, the last time I did it was five years ago. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But I do get annoyed every time people do it. | ||
| Every time people lean back and take away that space, yes, I get annoyed. | ||
| But I don't kick their chair anymore. | ||
| Do you know that that's ridiculous, though? | ||
| That everybody has a seat. | ||
| Everybody's seat has a button. | ||
| And everybody uses that button. | ||
| And no one ever, ever says, Oh my God, I can't believe this person in front of me is reclining their chair. | ||
| What? | ||
| No one ever says that? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't see the Twitter responses after the last time we talked about this? | |
| What? | ||
| Hundreds of people tagging us both saying, yeah, that shit pisses me off when people lean back. | ||
| Yeah, but they don't say anything. | ||
| It might suck, but when somebody leans back and I'm on my laptop, I'm like, ah, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, it's just that's his chair. | ||
| If he wants to lean his chair back, I don't always lean my chair back. | ||
| But as a human, can't you see that you are inflicting some sort of pain on another human and say, I'm not going to do this? | ||
| Jesus Christ, melodramatic fuck. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Inflicting pain on someone by reclining your chair? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| You are taking away the small amount of comfort they have on an already too small flight. | ||
| We've been over this. | ||
| You've agreed. | ||
| No, I haven't agreed ever. | ||
| It's already too small on this. | ||
| It's already too small amount of space. | ||
| Don't say that I agreed on this. | ||
| We have been over this and you have agreed that it's already too small in the space. | ||
| It's a small space, period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's almost not enough to take some more of that away. | ||
| You don't see... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How can you not see that that would be hard for somebody? | |
| Ari, there's a huge difference between how could you not see that it's better if the guy doesn't recline and going, that's his seat, he wants to recline. | ||
| He wants to recline because he's more comfortable when he's sitting back. | ||
| I don't mind. | ||
| I don't really give a fuck, Ari. | ||
| It doesn't bother me that much. | ||
| But I certainly don't think that I should be able to kick his fucking chair. | ||
| That was five years ago. | ||
| I did it three times ever. | ||
| I'm just saying I get annoyed by that stuff. | ||
| But you got annoyed to the point with the reason why we talked about it in the first place. | ||
| Because I hate it. | ||
| Because I hate it. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| You know they make a device that will stop people from leaning back now? | ||
| You can attach it to their chairs. | ||
| You can attach it to your tray so people can no longer lean back. | ||
| It's like a break so that people in front of you can't lean back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They're marketing that. | ||
| Is it legal? | ||
| They're marketing that purely because of cunts, apparently. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's only because of the cunts. | ||
| They're marketing and selling a device. | ||
| If you buy one of those, you're a cunt. | ||
| If you buy one of those things, it stops the guy in front of you from reclining his seat, I say you're a cunt. | ||
| That's a cunty thing to do. | ||
| It's his fucking chair. | ||
| Have you seen a picture of that guy like this? | ||
| Yeah, that's not real, Ari. | ||
| Ari, there's also- Do you know that? | ||
| Do you know that that's like a parody? | ||
| That's pretty close. | ||
| When I see my computer screen closed as they fucking lean back. | ||
| Shut your computer. | ||
| Close your eyes. | ||
| No, come on. | ||
| You can't say just don't use your computer. | ||
| You also know that there's certain airlines that have more room than others. | ||
| You also know that there's certain airlines that have more room than others. | ||
| Like, yes, I think it's American or something like that. | ||
| When you lean back, there's room, actually. | ||
| American has the most room. | ||
| Yeah, and then there's like Delta where it's like you're... | ||
| Almost about the dot or something. | ||
| There's no question about it. | ||
| They are giving you too little space. | ||
| No question about it. | ||
| But I don't think that's the fault of someone who's hitting the recline button on their fucking chair. | ||
| Yeah, it's not his fault they give you too little space. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| But once they've already given you too little space, I don't have any problem with it. | ||
| For the sake of leaning back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I have no problem. | ||
| For some people, it makes them more comfortable. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a blanket of human on you. | ||
| Especially if the girl's high and you have a girl kind of laying on your... | ||
| I don't think that ever happens. | ||
| I think all of a sudden Brian's in fucking penthouse letters. | ||
| You're just making shit up, you fuck. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't... | ||
| I mean, that's what business class is for, too, because you're supposed to have more room because you have a laptop and you're actually doing business where most people, like myself, I just sleep. | ||
| I lay back, I sleep the whole entire flight or something like that, you know? | ||
| So... | ||
| You're doing business. | ||
| You're a taller person. | ||
| You might want to pay the extra $20. | ||
| I'm watching videos on my computer. | ||
| It's more than $20. | ||
| And it's way more than $20. | ||
| It depends. | ||
| It's not a reason at all. | ||
| Get yourself an iPad, son. | ||
| One of those little 7-inch ones. | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| Read that bitch. | ||
| Look at this cute little baby. | ||
| Oh, it's a little cute baby. | ||
| It's so easy to use. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I think you guys both need to do mushrooms soon. | ||
| Oh, we need to do mushrooms because you're kicking people and yelling people at the airports. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What kind of mushrooms are you doing? | ||
| Do you know how projective that is? | ||
| We need to do mushrooms. | ||
| Why do we need to do mushrooms, Ari? | ||
| Please explain. | ||
| Because I don't think you would be that rude to another human if you do them recently. | ||
| Oh my god, Ari, I sit in first class. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I don't recline at people. | ||
| And by the way, if I did recline at people, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. | ||
| In first class, you would have plenty of space. | ||
| But I pay for that space because I don't like the issues. | ||
| I do agree that coach tickets suck a fat dick. | ||
| Their fucking space is too small. | ||
| So I go out of my way and pay extra money. | ||
| And I understand that other people can't afford that. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| Most of my life I did Do that. | ||
| Most of my life I did fly coach, okay? | ||
| And when I fly coach, I would recline if I wanted to. | ||
| I know, clearly. | ||
| You said that a thousand times. | ||
| And you said it a thousand times that it's a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just can't believe it. | |
| I just can't believe you would. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| You think that we need to do mushrooms because we don't agree with you in your hyper-aggressive way of kicking people's chairs. | ||
| I think it's – that was pre-mushrooms with kicking people's chairs. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But I think this is why you need mushrooms, because it helps you find an empathy with other people. | ||
| I see the empathy. | ||
| But I also see that you get real aggro about shit that can be avoided. | ||
| And I think that if someone leans their chair back and I'm sitting in coach and the thing is like this and I can't do it anymore, I will fucking close it and I'll pick up a book or I'll do nothing. | ||
| I'm not going to get upset at some guy who's just using his chair function. | ||
| It's not that big of a deal. | ||
| You saying that I need to do mushrooms because I don't see the empathy and you going berserk over something you're not going to ever control is ridiculous. | ||
| The empathy of a TSA agent, Ari. | ||
| You're not. | ||
| You're screaming at this guy. | ||
| I don't like their jobs at all. | ||
| Yeah, well, you're not looking at them as human beings. | ||
| That definitely is the most aggravated I get in my life, pretty much, the TSA people. | ||
| You're being really hypocritical on that. | ||
| It's really kind of silly that you're saying that we don't have empathy for you getting upset because you can't use your laptop, and these people just have a job that you don't necessarily like, and they're not necessarily being shitty to you at all. | ||
| I saw the way those people were reacting to you when you were yelling at them. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's not the individuals. | ||
| I went over this with Brendan Walsh once, and he made it kind of clear to me. | ||
| He was like, just them saying you have a job is not a reason to do anything. | ||
| Obviously, you can take it back to Holocaust times. | ||
| Oh, so you went over it with Brendan Walsh. | ||
| So what we're saying makes no sense now? | ||
| No, he just sort of made it clear to me. | ||
| I was like, well, come on, man. | ||
| They're just doing their jobs. | ||
| Same sort of thing. | ||
| But I just sort of became clear. | ||
| Well, Brendan Walsh is another guy who looks for problems. | ||
| I don't agree. | ||
| I think that these people are just doing their job. | ||
| I know, but the idea of someone just doing their job is... | ||
| It's not that hard! | ||
| What? | ||
| If they were actually being shitty to you, yes. | ||
| But these guys were not being shitty to you, man. | ||
| It's not that. | ||
| I think they work for this organization that just is bad for us. | ||
| We don't like it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But while you're there and you are interacting with them, you're choosing to make things difficult. | ||
| It's not a difficult experience. | ||
| You're creating a difficult experience out of an experience that's not difficult because you have a problem with the fact they exist. | ||
| But yet, you know they exist, and yet you know you're going to interact with them. | ||
| So you're choosing to be uncomfortable. | ||
| I get what you're saying, and I tried this once. | ||
| The first time I saw it, and I looked at what they were, and I was like, oh, they're just people making us go through checkpoints. | ||
| I thought this over, and I was like, is it even worth... | ||
| You know, having a problem with that isn't even worth like, you know, getting upset at all about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But man, it just sort of just bothers me. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's why you need to do Mushrooms, you fuckhead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I will soon. | ||
| This is such a ridiculous stance to take because you're a professional comedian. | ||
| You fly all the time. | ||
| It's just an experience. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| The idea behind it, behind any loss of civil liberties and any loss of privacy, I'm not a fan of any of that shit, but this is a part of flying. | ||
| It's not a major issue, in my opinion. | ||
| And when I see these aberrations that people like to point out, examples of things that the TSA has done, like someone stole something, I absolutely think that can happen. | ||
| I absolutely think that people can fuck up. | ||
| People can hire the wrong person. | ||
| People can sneak through the net and be assholes. | ||
| But in my experience with the TSA, they're just people. | ||
| They're just regular people and this is what they do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's part of a whole organization. | ||
| I say hi, and they say hi back. | ||
| I say, how you doing? | ||
| Everything's good, man. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| And it seems like really easy. | ||
| I see a bunch of people that are just working. | ||
| And, you know, they're trying to do their job when there's fucking thousands of people going through there every day. | ||
| And it's trying to keep chaos and everything orderly. | ||
| It's got to be really fucking difficult. | ||
| What do you think everyone's problem is with them? | ||
| They suck. | ||
| They're incompetent. | ||
| Look, I always said that the people that work at the TSA are often the same people that work in the fast food counters. | ||
| They just switch roles. | ||
| Hey, you used to work for Burger King, now you're bomb scanning. | ||
| How'd that move up? | ||
| They're just people with jobs, man. | ||
| I don't want that job. | ||
| I wish that job wasn't necessary, but it seems to be necessary and someone needs to do it. | ||
| So who the fuck is going to do it? | ||
| Well, unless they're paying people 50 bucks an hour, you're not going to get people that have a lot of other options. | ||
| So they don't have that many options. | ||
| So who are these people? | ||
| These are people that are impoverished, they don't live in the best neighborhoods, they don't have a lot of opportunities, whatever it is. | ||
| And so those are the people that they're trying to get to be professional and those are the people that are trying to get to represent their company. | ||
| And of course it doesn't run smoothly. | ||
| Like most human beings, You put them in a situation, any situation, and have a group of them that are in control over a massive group of people, and you ask them to behave orderly, good luck with that. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| But my point is that when you go to the airport, you know that there are going to be TSA agents. | ||
| You know the whole procedure. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I don't like. | ||
| That there are going to be them. | ||
| This idea, I've had one of the guys say, I was like, why do we take our shoes off? | ||
| And he was like, you got to. | ||
| I'm like, why do we take our shoes off? | ||
| I was being mean to him, same way. | ||
| But his answer at the end was, if you don't like it, don't fly. | ||
| And I was like, that doesn't seem like a good enough reason. | ||
| Yeah, but he doesn't represent the company. | ||
| He's just a dude. | ||
| He's just some dude working. | ||
| You're some dickhead who doesn't want to take your shoes off. | ||
| He's like, I have to tell you to take your shoes off. | ||
| That's my job. | ||
| My job is when you go through here, I have to make sure your shoes don't have bombs on them. | ||
| Please take your shoes off. | ||
| Why do I have to take those shoes off? | ||
| You're like, oh God. | ||
| He's like, because you have to. | ||
| Yeah, I can see it from this point of view too. | ||
| Yeah, you should be able to see it from this point of view. | ||
| Your lack of empathy for them is very hypocritical when you want people to be empathetic and you're not leaning back. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, obviously. | ||
| I'm totally, definitely not on exact point in my whole life. | ||
| It's not, but this is an unnecessary... | ||
| Yeah, I thought about that and I don't know. | ||
| This is all new stuff for me. | ||
| I'm trying to figure it out. | ||
| But I don't like that the fact that TSA is there taking away our civil liberties. | ||
| And I hate even saying the word civil liberties because it makes it seem like you're a political coot. | ||
| If you really worry about civil liberties, the TSA is not what you should be concerned with. | ||
| You should be focusing your efforts on the National Defense Authorization Act, the Patriot Act. | ||
| You should be focusing your recent admission from the Obama administration that they've protocol to use drones, armed drones, on US civilians. | ||
| They're trying to figure out how to get away with that. | ||
| Drones with guns to shoot you out of the fucking sky. | ||
| If you want to worry about civil liberties, I'm with you. | ||
| But this is not one, in my opinion, that needs the kind of attention that you're giving it. | ||
| Maybe it's just that I'm not used to it yet or something. | ||
| You're choosing to get upset. | ||
| You're not being upset because someone is forcing you into a position where you have to angrily react to stop them from doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're choosing to turn this into an aggressive moment, and it's not necessary. | ||
| Oh yeah, absolutely, I was choosing to. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not necessary. | ||
| No, it's not necessary. | ||
| I don't think it even accomplishes anything. | ||
| I avoid it doesn't accomplish anything. | ||
| It makes you angry. | ||
| But it's not to accomplish it. | ||
| But what it is, it's childish. | ||
| It's not necessary. | ||
| It's childish and it's negative. | ||
| And you fuck up the day, or at least the experience, depending on how numb those people are. | ||
| That was definitely the intent. | ||
| I understand, but you shouldn't. | ||
| It's not necessary. | ||
| I would run into those same people and say, Hi, what's up? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| And Brian would run into the same people. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously. | ||
| But we both get to the same goal. | ||
| And one of us avoided, or we all, Brian and I, avoided any conflict, whereas you went through this stressful situation. | ||
| If I yell at someone, okay, if I get to the point of yelling at someone, it's because I want to kill you. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Because you've done something that's either horrible or you're dangerous or you're threatening my health and I'm in a situation where I'm letting you know, like, I'm yelling too. | ||
| This shit could get crazy right now. | ||
| You're not getting crazy at the airport. | ||
| You're yelling because you know they're not going to yell back. | ||
| You're yelling because you know that they're forced to act in this very... | ||
| Politically correct. | ||
| And that's bullying. | ||
| Because you're putting them in a position where they can't react to you the way you're reacting to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, oh, you're a fucking head idiot of this fucking corrupt organization. | |
| But they can't talk to you like that. | ||
| Well, help me through this. | ||
| Help me through this. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because aren't they also – I'm not trying to be right here. | ||
| But aren't they also putting us in the position of having to fucking – just every single time we go, having to give up a little something, feel a little bad. | ||
| Well, they're putting you in a position where they have to check your shit, but I don't feel bad. | ||
| I'm telling you, when I go through it, I don't feel bad. | ||
| I even put my trays away for them. | ||
| I don't have to put my trays away. | ||
| I could leave them there, and I know that they would put them... | ||
| I try to help them out. | ||
| That's a nice thing to do. | ||
| I've gone through, after almost every UFC, when I go to the airport... | ||
| I talked to some dude who's a UFC fan who works there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I was always nice too. | |
| And we always have conversations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can we do that fight? | |
| Holy shit, man. | ||
| That one was crazy. | ||
| Like, what do you think's next for George St. Pierre? | ||
| You know, I mean, obviously that's me and I'm in a different situation. | ||
| I was always nice to him, but once I saw that it was like, this is sort of like, it's too much what they're doing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And once I saw that, then I had a lot more trouble with it. | ||
| Now I don't know what to do. | ||
| You mean the naked scanner? | ||
| The naked scanner. | ||
| The naked scanner, just to stop. | ||
| But your dick is on HBO. You pulled your cock out on HBO and you worried about them seeing your dick. | ||
| You can go look at my dick with your stand. | ||
| I'm not worried about them laughing at me. | ||
| It's not that. | ||
| I'm worried about them taking the control to be able to laugh at me. | ||
| It's just a job, man. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying as the group, the Transportation Security Administration, them taking that Taking that power. | ||
| So it's just because of the naked scanning then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| It's just sort of all of it. | ||
| But you know that they have to look at bags to make sure that people don't have explosives. | ||
| You know that people are crazy fucks. | ||
| You know when we were in Vegas, do you know this weekend when we worked at Mandalay Bay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which was, by the way, fucking awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was. | |
| Wasn't it? | ||
| Great time. | ||
| When we worked at that venue, they had to go through metal detectors. | ||
| Who did? | ||
| The people. | ||
| The people that came to that show. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, when you go to Mandalay Bay, you go through metal detectors. | ||
| It's not because Vegas wants to take away your civil liberties. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's because they don't want anybody to get hurt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They want to make sure that, you know, maybe it's a rap. | ||
| People don't have knives with them. | ||
| Maybe it's a fucking Ted Nugent concert. | ||
| Dudes want to bring their own bows and arrows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Vegas will go, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing with arrows? | ||
| Oh, man, I didn't even know. | ||
| So you think it's just because the lines... | ||
| Humans! | ||
| Yeah, here's what I think it is. | ||
| Large groups of humans. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That makes me madder, I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's very stupid if me and you fly almost every week that we have to wait in the same line as this woman that's never flown ever. | ||
| Well, you don't. | ||
| Well, you don't in a way, but... | ||
| That TSA appreciate it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could do that. | |
| Not everybody gets in that. | ||
| Yeah, I'm saying that... | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I tried. | ||
| You can't? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| It's not everybody. | ||
| Did you try to sign up online? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| What'd they say? | ||
| They won't accept you? | ||
| Declined. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's not everybody. | ||
| It's not like I'm a flyer, I can just get checked. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| It's just a few people. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Almost everybody I know that works for the UFC goes through that. | ||
| What did they decline you on? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| When you asked for TSA pre... | ||
| So what you're saying is you went through the security, the pre-security screening thing online. | ||
| It's TSA pre... | ||
| Yeah, somebody told me to do it. | ||
| So you gave in your information and they just decided to decline you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When did this happen? | ||
| Three months ago. | ||
| When was I in D.C.? It was at the D.C. airport. | ||
| Do you have a record in any way? | ||
| No. | ||
| I went online to try to do it. | ||
| It's like, you can't do it. | ||
| You can't get it. | ||
| You can't get it. | ||
| Yeah, the TSA Pre. | ||
| But did you give them your social security number or something? | ||
| Yeah, all that stuff. | ||
| And then they did a background check on you. | ||
| I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't really know what to do. | |
| Probably does amazing racist shit. | ||
| Probably someone saw that and like, this motherfucker thinks he's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's probably just some DMV. So what do you think it is? | ||
| Why do you think I have the hatred there? | ||
| Listen man, because you're a smart guy and you see a logical shit. | ||
| But what I think is that you're not being empathetic and you're creating unnecessary anger. | ||
| You're creating unnecessary anger. | ||
| For them. | ||
| For you, for them, for everybody. | ||
| For me, it's not so bad. | ||
| Generally, you were there, so we kept talking about it. | ||
| But generally, I do it. | ||
| I force myself to fuck with them. | ||
| And then I just go back to being high and shop at the airport. | ||
| How much weed intake a day do you smoke? | ||
| All of it. | ||
| Like, no, no. | ||
| Seriously, like... | ||
| My new special, Passive Aggressive, is online right now. | ||
| Go to chill.com slash Ari Shaffir. | ||
| Get a poster along with it. | ||
| I just think it's unnecessary. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you're going somewhere... | ||
| I thought about this, too. | ||
| It's like, I'm only... | ||
| Riling myself up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And even the stuff about the NDAA or whatever else that is, it's like, do we have the power to stop any of these things? | ||
| Well, you have to do the power to contact your congressman. | ||
| You have the power to write letters to senators. | ||
| You have the power to make petitions online. | ||
| You have the power to talk about it on social media. | ||
| So they understand that people are very upset about these trends and they understand that when voting comes around again, they're not going to vote for people that represent these trends. | ||
| That's why so many people were excited about Ron Paul. | ||
| That's why so many people... | ||
| I think Obama sort of represents the same system. | ||
| He represents the same thing too, but if he's going to be the one passing it, then it's like, fuck. | ||
| No, he doesn't represent that. | ||
| He was representing it. | ||
| No. | ||
| He was representing it, I mean. | ||
| Before the first term, maybe? | ||
| He was portraying that thing. | ||
| He was representing someone who would be just and for the people. | ||
| Well, he said a lot of things that were just not accurate at all, like about closing Guantanamo Bay and about changing the way we do business. | ||
| I think once he got in there, he realized he was dealing with a machine. | ||
| It's way more fucking corrupt. | ||
| What I'm talking about is a guy like Ron Paul, who really absolutely 100% said... | ||
| Did he say abolish the TSA? Well, he thinks that you should abolish the fucking Federal Reserve. | ||
| He thinks you should get rid of a lot of major government organizations. | ||
| He thinks they're ineffective and he thinks they're criminal. | ||
| Well, you know, fucking Kennedy wanted to get rid of the CIA. But the thing is, those things will just keep themselves... | ||
| If they're corporations, which they are, each branch is its own corporation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They fight to stay alive. | ||
| Yeah, the corporation will fight to stay alive. | ||
| Which is like the DEA, an organization that's very similar as well. | ||
| And so they will make themselves necessary. | ||
| Which is why the DEA keeps busting medical marijuana. | ||
| And it's been proven over and over again that marijuana is just not dangerous. | ||
| But the reason why they're going in and busting it is because it's written down on paper somewhere. | ||
| And because if they don't do it, then how do they justify the fact they have X amount of agents? | ||
| If all of a sudden 50% of their busts, let's just say 50% of all the DEA's busts are marijuana busts. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| Let's say that. | ||
| All of a sudden now there's 50% less work. | ||
| It's 50% less agents, 50% less offices. | ||
| Most of the federal government, if you don't need Congress, let's say you don't even need Congress right now. | ||
| Which is how the whole transition from prohibition to prohibition against marijuana was so seamless. | ||
| It's just keeping the same people in jobs. | ||
| Within a year and a half, two years, the same people. | ||
| They just filtered them from one to the other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cunts. | ||
| It's people. | ||
| And I think the real problem is that there's an ineffective method of communication that we've been operating under for the longest time. | ||
| And that method is... | ||
| writing things down on paper and then that becomes a frozen doctrine. | ||
| Okay, that's one issue. | ||
| And then there's the other issue where other people are allowed to come along and alter that doctrine because they were elected officials, like presidents, when they do executive orders and things along those lines. | ||
| And it becomes like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| You are just – you're making these decisions without consulting the will of the people that are absolutely fundamentally altering the rights and liberties of the people that elected you into a position of power in the first place. | ||
| You're essentially removing their power once they've given you power. | ||
| That's treasonous. | ||
| We don't trust them. | ||
| We don't trust them, the people, anymore. | ||
| They're going to fuck shit up, so we'll take the power. | ||
| We'll be in control for them. | ||
| According to the Founding Fathers... | ||
| That's treasonous? | ||
| That's treasonous. | ||
| It's absolutely everything that's against the concept of being American. | ||
| But like anything else, once you've established an organization, it fights to stay alive. | ||
| And government is fighting to stay alive by making itself more and more complicated and intertwined with our lives. | ||
| Because the reality is, when we have more access to each other, the way we have now with the Internet, The way we have now with podcasting, we have an ability to explain things and communicate with people in a way that's never existed before. | ||
| So you don't rely on daddy anymore as much. | ||
| You don't rely on daddy government to let you know what the news are. | ||
| Daddy government doesn't have to tell you what the news is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Daddy. | |
| Daddy government. | ||
| You can go on Twitter and you find out what's going on in Pakistan. | ||
| You know why we had Congress? | ||
| The reason we had Congress is because if you live in Tennessee, you can't go to Washington to make your voice heard. | ||
| So we'd all get together, all us Tennesseans, and say, hey, Bob, you go. | ||
| You be our congressman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know why they did it? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because people had horses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now— They didn't have email. | ||
| Now we have email. | ||
| So we don't even need—we don't need that job. | ||
| The reason we have that job, U.S. congressman, is no longer necessary. | ||
| But they won't let that job go away. | ||
| I don't think that's necessarily the case. | ||
| I think someone who really believes in the Constitution and they can be effective as a politician, I don't think it's necessary to get rid of Congress. | ||
| But I think that, like everything else, it's really hard to find really good people that can think And that are smart and motivated and are doing it for the right reasons. | ||
| Like, why do most people want to be senators? | ||
| Why do most people want to be congressmen? | ||
| Why do most people want to be mayors? | ||
| Are they really looking out for themselves? | ||
| Are they looking out for the people? | ||
| Are they really these amazing humanitarians that are just trying to elevate their community? | ||
| I say very few are. | ||
| I say a lot of them are just people, like the TSA people, just doing a job. | ||
| Yeah, because when we were kids, we looked at all the politicians like these uber noble people. | ||
| Because there are a few who are. | ||
| A few who are. | ||
| It's almost like ideally it is. | ||
| But really, it's just some guy. | ||
| We would like, though. | ||
| In a movie, the president is always super noble. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We would love that. | ||
| Yeah, we would love that. | ||
| But we all know it's really hard to find super noble people, period. | ||
| So why do we keep... | ||
| I mean, I try to be the nicest person I can. | ||
| But I'm not a super noble person. | ||
| I mean, I guess I might be if you compare me to a lot of douchebags. | ||
| But I, you know, I'm a guy who regularly breaks marijuana laws federally. | ||
| Doesn't. | ||
| Don't anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just quit. | |
| Quit a couple of days ago. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, I occasionally will drive above the speed limit, but I don't... | ||
| I mean, I call people cunts on an internet show. | ||
| I don't think I'd do anything necessarily bad, but I wouldn't want... | ||
| But what I'm saying is I wouldn't want me... | ||
| As a fucking president. | ||
| It's like to get a person to a position where you think they would be the right person. | ||
| You want a Yoda. | ||
| You'd hook up your friends. | ||
| You want a wise master. | ||
| You're just in it for good. | ||
| We're not dealing with wise masters. | ||
| We're not dealing with people that have spent their time doing yoga and meditating and contemplating the best... | ||
| Possible potential future of our culture. | ||
| We're dealing with idiots. | ||
| I mean, look, Mitt Romney almost got into fucking office. | ||
| A guy in a cult. | ||
| An active guy in a cult who made a career out of fucking over corporations and fucking over people and essentially hijacking a system and making millions and millions of dollars. | ||
| He's a total twat bag. | ||
| And he was 43% president. | ||
| He was almost there! | ||
| I think it was more than 43. 47%? | ||
| It was pretty close. | ||
| Close enough so it's shocking as fuck. | ||
| I mean, when I drove from San Francisco... | ||
| A known Mormon! | ||
| I drove from LA to San Francisco during the whole election thing. | ||
| It was like right when it was going down. | ||
| Oh my god, it was a wreck on a railroad track. | ||
| Everywhere you looked, there were these fucking Mitt Romney posters. | ||
| When you get to farmland, all those dumb fucks. | ||
| There's this funny thing about those farmer folks. | ||
| Not saying that all farmers are dumb fucks, but a lot of them are dumb fucks. | ||
| And a lot of them, they go straight conservative. | ||
| Right away conservative. | ||
| Automatic, knee-jerk conservatism. | ||
| The perfect kind of dumbo Secure conservatism, where they're just dumb, just dummies. | ||
| They're not doing it because they sought things through. | ||
| They're doing it because, oh, these fucking hippies. | ||
| And that was everywhere you go. | ||
| There's just giant Mitt Romney posters. | ||
| So I'm like, what you're saying is, you're looking at a guy who's in an organization that was created by a con man who was 14 years old, who created a fake religion that's based on 100% bullshit. | ||
| Religion's tough because people are born with it so they can't fight it anymore. | ||
| He wasn't just born with it. | ||
| He was born with it from a fucking dad who lived in Mexico. | ||
| His dad was born in Mexico. | ||
| Mormon Mexicans? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Do you know about all that? | ||
| I didn't know they went there. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| He's not just a regular Mormon. | ||
| You don't understand who Mitt Romney is. | ||
| Mitt Romney was a part of a Mormon sect that left America because they wanted to fuck multiple wives. | ||
| So they moved to Mexico. | ||
| It was in the 1800s. | ||
| We did it away with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the Romney family still has a massive fucking ranch in Mexico. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's not just one Mormon family down there. | ||
| There's a bunch. | ||
| Was that that ranch that was called the N-Bomb? | ||
| Who had that ranch? | ||
| Did you say N-bomb? | ||
| You just said N-bomb? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I figured there's been enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Enough controversy on the podcast! | ||
| He's backing off! | ||
| He's so passive-aggressive. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| I don't know if it's them. | ||
| I don't think it is. | ||
| But there's more than one gigantic Mormon family down there. | ||
| And in fact, they've had shootouts with the cartels. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because they don't want the cartels around. | ||
| The cartels have kidnapped them and killed some of them. | ||
| You know, they're armed to the fucking teeth down there. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Like, when they moved there in the 1800s, there was really virtually very little difference between America and Mexico. | ||
| I mean, there was differences. | ||
| You're just right across there. | ||
| Yeah, but it wasn't enough to warrant, you know, staying in America and having one wife. | ||
| They're like, what? | ||
| I'll just go there. | ||
| Are you fucking crazy? | ||
| You get all the same TV shows they do, which is none. | ||
| But if you have like nine wives, you gotta cut your eight wives loose. | ||
| You're like, ugh, I gotta pick one, you bitches. | ||
| And you know if you pick one, you're like, God damn, I picked the wrong one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| You know? | ||
| He'd always have regrets. | ||
| A year in, she's like, I don't want to blow you anymore. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, but Margaret. | ||
| And you start sending pigeon letters to those eight women that you cut loose. | ||
| Because back then, you know, you couldn't even fucking call them and say, oh, oh, you don't? | ||
| Oh yeah, let me make a phone call real quick. | ||
| Let me see if... | ||
| You couldn't even make a dial call. | ||
| Let me see if Jessica's still alive. | ||
| Yeah, you could get those little... | ||
| You could send Morse code. | ||
| Did they have that then? | ||
| They had Teletype. | ||
| What did they get? | ||
| Telegraph. | ||
| Yeah, Telegraph. | ||
| They had Morse code. | ||
| That's like military, though. | ||
| But they would send messages. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Like those old West movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like... | |
| The wire's coming in. | ||
| Someone could send a message. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I don't know why I got so mad at TSA. It's illogical. | |
| You just need to think it through instead of just reacting. | ||
| There was something distasteful to it when I saw it that day. | ||
| It was just distasteful. | ||
| Well, it certainly can be. | ||
| And if you run into someone who really is being a cunt, that's just a human issue. | ||
| If you run into some guy... | ||
| I mean, I've seen... | ||
| There was one time I saw this dude. | ||
| They were telling this lady that she had to get out of her wheelchair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she had to go through the scanner and this lady was really busted up. | ||
| Wheelchaired up. | ||
| She was really old and busted up. | ||
| And it was sad. | ||
| I was like, come on, man. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| You should be able to wheel that wheelchair in, scan it, make sure there's nothing in, and that lady should be able to stay in her fucking wheelchair. | ||
| She's 90 fucking years old. | ||
| I know what it was now about the liquids. | ||
| That they can have a bit slower process. | ||
| And so they can have people elect to go through there so they can take their perfume, their snow globe, whatever they bought. | ||
| They can go there, but it would be slower and it would take more work for them to Instance to that line, but they said no. | ||
| Well, yeah, that sounds like a pain in the dick. | ||
| I don't want to wait. | ||
| My flight will be delayed because you've got some Chanel No. | ||
| 5 that Brad Pitt's pushing. | ||
| Well, they won't delay a flight for you. | ||
| I know that. | ||
| That sounds annoying. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds like it would slow the process down. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to be one line on the side. | ||
| You'd go there voluntarily. | ||
| The real problem is there is going to be guys who want to blow up planes. | ||
| And I don't want them to be able to go on with a big flask of explosives strapped to their back that no one saw when they were going through the radar detector. | ||
| I wonder when planes became the most important thing. | ||
| Well, they thought about blowing up planes. | ||
| The United States was using that in Operation Northwoods as part of a false flag event. | ||
| They were going to blow up planes. | ||
| And they were going to blame it on the Cubans. | ||
| It's one of the things that people are scared of the most. | ||
| They're scared of plane flight. | ||
| They're scared of crashing. | ||
| So one of the best ways to instill terror in people is to add the fear of death, which everybody already has, and then add it to a fear of flying. | ||
| So that's why they don't crash at like a Super Bowl or a type of thing like that? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Why hasn't that happened? | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| Think about, I mean, if you really had like a nuke bomb or something like that, you really had something that you really want to scare the fuck out of people, and you know there's going to be 80,000 people in this town, and they're all going to come down to watch this one game... | ||
| Why wouldn't you drop it on them? | ||
| Are they going to start doing radar metal detectors for malls? | ||
| They probably should. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So every time somebody walks in, you should have someone... | ||
| They do it at movie theaters. | ||
| They do it at movie theaters? | ||
| A lot of movie theaters now. | ||
| They should do that, too. | ||
| In the bad neighborhoods. | ||
| You know, and I'm not saying that people who have been approved for concealed carry permits and security specialists and the like shouldn't be allowed to carry. | ||
| I think they should be allowed to carry. | ||
| I don't have a problem with people having guns. | ||
| I have a problem with crazy people. | ||
| With people, unlicensed people having guns. | ||
| You don't have to show your license. | ||
| I think we have a real issue with people not reporting and dealing with people who have serious mental issues, too. | ||
| Almost every one of these people that have done something really fucked up A lot of people saw it coming. | ||
| Almost everyone. | ||
| I saw a guy on the street that looked like newly homeless, some old man. | ||
| It looked like, oh, you just stopped taking your meds. | ||
| Like he saw the suit on, but it was like dingy, but not too dingy. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| And just like, ah, just like trudging along. | ||
| Well, there are folks who they need something to keep them straight. | ||
| And when they're off that something, their reality becomes really distorted, especially when they're taking it and then they stop taking it because there's a withdrawal of Where your brain doesn't know what the fuck is going on and reality can get really slippery. | ||
| They said that 90% of school shootings came from people who were either on SSRIs or were off them and were suffering from withdrawal from them. | ||
| You know, that's a problem. | ||
| Say that again. | ||
| 90% of all school shootings, 90%, either came from someone who was on antidepressants or was suffering through withdrawals from stopping taking them recently. | ||
| Those Columbine kids? | ||
| They were on them. | ||
| Phil Hartman's wife was on them. | ||
| Phil Hartman's wife was on Zoloft and cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder if I'm on an SSRI or the other one. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You should probably find out. | ||
| Maybe that's making you wacky. | ||
| It could be, man. | ||
| You've been brodying. | ||
| I've been brodying. | ||
| No, it's just the TSA. It's the only time I get wild. | ||
| It was Starbucks. | ||
| Well, Brian and I had a conversation on that. | ||
| Brian and I had a conversation about it. | ||
| Brian was concerned about you. | ||
| And I said he was great with people all weekend. | ||
| He was super friendly and easy to get along with. | ||
| It's not like all of a sudden you were an angry person. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not mad in general. | ||
| Well, I've never seen that before because I was like, wait, I've been through the security. | ||
| It's a conscious decision. | ||
| It wasn't like a reaction. | ||
| It was like, let me make a decision here. | ||
| You've got to get off that one, man. | ||
| Then maybe I should. | ||
| Yeah, you should get off that one. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Did you see that Korean UFO footage? | ||
| That looks real. | ||
| That's one of the first. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Put it up. | ||
| Let's see it. | ||
| This is so real look. | ||
| That's not even Korean. | ||
| They're making up noise right now. | ||
| Imagine if we found that out. | ||
| Look, right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch. | |
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| I knew it was going to be something not a UFO. I just said no one was. | ||
| I thought it was going to be super fake or something. | ||
| I did not want to watch that. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Don't do that ever again, okay? | ||
| For real. | ||
| Isn't that scary? | ||
| It was scary, but I don't want you doing that ever again. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doing what? | |
| I think that shit's stupid. | ||
| Faking me and making me watch horrific things where I know somebody died. | ||
| It was that UFO footage. | ||
| I don't want to watch that, Brian. | ||
| That's not a UFO. Don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I definitely knew it was not going to be a UFO. I've been around Brian long enough to know that. | |
| Look, man, there's certain people who don't want to watch a certain amount of things. | ||
| There's certain shit that is unpleasant, and that's one of those things that's really unpleasant. | ||
| You just watch somebody die. | ||
| That scared the fuck out of me. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen a bunch of those. | ||
| They're terrifying. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| If you looked at that, and you said, oh man, just driving, we should stop driving. | ||
| You're not going to stop driving. | ||
| You're going to keep driving. | ||
| It's an unfortunate aberration that happens once every X amount of passages of vehicles. | ||
| There's going to be fuck-ups. | ||
| And more so now than ever because people are fucking texting. | ||
| There's a Sprint app, apparently, that keeps you from texting while your car's in motion. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I think it's awesome. | ||
| It seems like it's a good idea. | ||
| It's a fucking great idea. | ||
| When you get in your car, your car is Bluetooth. | ||
| If you get in your car, I think on modern cars, your car is Bluetooth, you should recognize that you're in a car, and it should kill your fucking texting. | ||
| Yeah, but unless you're a passenger. | ||
| That should be mandatory. | ||
| Put it to your passenger, yeah. | ||
| The passenger can suck his dick. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| It's just not worth it. | ||
| People are too crazy. | ||
| I saw a guy driving on the fucking 405 with no hands. | ||
| He was texting. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Texting with both hands while he was flying down the 405. And we were watching him. | ||
| Almost everyone does it. | ||
| That's what the studies have shown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not me. | |
| Almost everyone does it and almost everyone who does it looks down on people who do it. | ||
| What studies of these? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I might look at something at a red light and type something out before the light turns green real quick. | ||
| But I do this. | ||
| Every time the light turns green, I throw it on my passenger seat. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Yeah, it's not worth it. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| I can make phone calls with the little button thing on my phone. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I press a button on my console. | ||
| I don't have to take my eyes off of anything. | ||
| I can press this button on my steering wheel that has a little phone icon. | ||
| I press it. | ||
| And I say, call Ari Shafir. | ||
| Yeah, iPhones do that. | ||
| No, on my steering wheel. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So I don't have to do shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So as I'm driving, I press the steering wheel. | ||
| I go, call Ari Shafir. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| It just calls you. | ||
| So I don't take my eyes off. | ||
| I don't have to look at my phone. | ||
| I have to press that button. | ||
| If you have the earphones in, you just have to, like, touch the thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's cool, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's helpful. | |
| You can also text people that way. | ||
| Yeah, you can. | ||
| Text Jason Tebow. | ||
| Text Ralphs. | ||
| No, don't text Ralphs. | ||
| Text Jason Tebow. | ||
| Text Mom! | ||
| Yeah, sometimes they're ridiculously off. | ||
| Text Thibault. | ||
| You know what my favorite thing is? | ||
| What? | ||
| The Shazam app. | ||
| The ability to listen to music and tell you what the song is. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I mean, that seems like it's impossible. | ||
| I use it all the time. | ||
| It seems impossible. | ||
| Have you heard sex with your friends yet? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Jamie was telling me about it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's a plug-in that you put on your Facebook and you go through your friends list and you go, I would fuck you. | ||
| Oh, I would not fuck you. | ||
| Like, you just go through, like, if you would have sex with somebody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they... | ||
| Put the plug in on their Facebook and they can go through to see all the guys that would fuck her. | ||
| So it's a way to go, hey, I would fuck her. | ||
| Isn't it also like a friends with benefits thing? | ||
| Like the idea is that... | ||
| You need to find somebody that you have in common and you both fuck each other. | ||
| The idea is that you're not trying to get a relationship. | ||
| You're just trying to hook up. | ||
| Who wants to hook up? | ||
| Yeah, who wants to hook up? | ||
| And no one else can see it. | ||
| But the people that agree. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What if someone's trolling you? | ||
| Then we'll find out. | ||
| Almost every time I bring a girl back to wherever I'm going, there's this thought like, is this a troll? | ||
| Are you about to be like, ah, loser, you thought I'd sleep with you? | ||
| Almost every time a thought goes through my head. | ||
| You have like a little insecurity. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Deep downside. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Isn't it the greatest thing though when a girl's really into it though? | ||
| When you meet someone, you're fucking getting along. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're great. | ||
| You're at dinner having a laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha. | |
| When you get back to your place, I'm like, holy shit, it's gonna happen. | ||
| The first time it ever happens, the first time you're making out and you, she grabs your cock and you're like, oh my god, she's into it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that wonderful? | ||
| That's one of the greatest things about being alive. | ||
| Yeah, it's a pretty magical feeling. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It's about as good as it gets. | ||
| It's the problem. | ||
| People say, well, why would people leave their wife of 30 years? | ||
| New fresh. | ||
| That fucking pull is strong. | ||
| Jupiter's got a hell of a gravity, but it can't fuck with pussy. | ||
| The pull that Jupiter has ain't shit compared to pussy. | ||
| Pussy will make you derail your whole life. | ||
| Pussy made the president stick his cock into a fat girl's mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little girl just hoping she'll keep it shut. | ||
| I was talking to this with a buddy of mine that he thought about some friend of his, some chick friend of his, and he goes, no, we definitely should not fuck. | ||
| That's a good friend of mine for a long time. | ||
| And then he's like, you're there, and I see you have a chance, and you're like, oh, maybe... | ||
| This time I'll go for it. | ||
| He had to trust his sober self. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The non-drunk with pussy self. | ||
| Like, no, you've already thought about this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not in your right mind right now. | |
| That drunk dude is not listening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That drunk fuck, that part of you. | ||
| Once you have the pussy inside your head, it's tough to do anything. | ||
| Once it's there, this could really happen. | ||
| And it's also like, genetically you're wired to not just pursue, but to achieve copulation. | ||
| It's like, it's the goal. | ||
| It's the goal that your DNA is like, that's a girl, that's a girl, that's a girl, that's a girl. | ||
| She's right there. | ||
| She's supposed to react to it. | ||
| She's hugging you, and she seems to have tits. | ||
| There's an ass, oh my god, let's get in there. | ||
| And then the next thing you know, you're like, I can't believe I'm doing this. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| It's just, we're so restrictive in our culture and the way we look at it. | ||
| It was really fascinating having that guy, Christopher Ryan, on the podcast, the guy who wrote Sex at Dawn. | ||
| We talked about our ideas of sexuality, a lot of them are confusing because our idea of promiscuous, we look at people that are in non-monogamous relationships as being promiscuous. | ||
| So if you think of promiscuous, you think of, especially with girls, you think of someone who goes out and fucks a lot of guys and has shallow relationships, woo! | ||
| That's not the original meaning of promiscuous. | ||
| The original meaning is based on Latin or whatever, the word for mixed. | ||
| And the idea was that people in small tribes of like 50 people would have sexual relationships with more than one person. | ||
| But they knew these people very well. | ||
| Their whole life they knew these people. | ||
| So it wasn't that they were just having random sex with strangers because no one ever does that in those tribes. | ||
| You don't meet someone in another tribe because they might kill you and eat you. | ||
| Because if you ran into another tribe and they weren't your people, they could be the enemy. | ||
| I mean, they're not going to treat you the way you would go to Finland today, hop on a plane, land, and get your shit and go to an airport. | ||
| And nobody knows you. | ||
| You're not from there. | ||
| But they're like, hello, may I help you? | ||
| And you're like, yeah, how you doing? | ||
| They would just beat the fuck out of you and kill you. | ||
| When people would run into people that they didn't know, they automatically assumed these people were up to no good. | ||
| So there was very little promiscuity in that sense in early man. | ||
| How many school shooters have there been? | ||
| It's been quite a few. | ||
| And by the way, they go way back to like the 1930s. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they go back even before that, I believe. | ||
| Okay, let's find out. | ||
| We should know. | ||
| Earliest school shooting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, the government has been using school shootings for reasons since the 1930s. | ||
| The first school shooting was in Canada. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| No, hold on a second. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Older than America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Took place in 1764. What, some dude just shot like a kid or a teacher or something? | |
| Someone shot a Pennsylvania teacher in front of the class. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 1764. So this was before America was like officially America. | ||
| I somehow don't count that as a school shooting. | ||
| Well, the first assassination in school. | ||
| I mean, that's just the first one they're counting. | ||
| When the kids start getting killed, is more what I'm thinking about. | ||
| Yeah, well, that was Columbine, I think. | ||
| That was the first one? | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| No, because, like, wasn't the, someone, some sniper? | ||
| Oh, the tower? | ||
| Dayton, Ohio. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Kent, Ohio. | ||
| Kent State was the National Guard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the actual, the government was shooting protesters. | ||
| The riot. | ||
| Yeah, there's been a lot, man. | ||
| Okay, Columbia, South Carolina. | ||
| A boy armed with a gun killed one of his schoolmates and severely wounded several others, presumably firing upon them in retaliation for bullying. | ||
| He expressed no regret for his deed. | ||
| This was 1890. Wow. | ||
| Alright, well that counts. | ||
| That's exactly what we're talking about. | ||
| Yeah, 1890. That kid was not on SSRIs, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| Bullying makes you depressed as fuck, though. | ||
| There's no way out from under it. | ||
| Plus your experience is so limited as a young child that you think this is what my life is going to be like forever. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| And the people who are doing it, they get caught up in a pattern of doing it. | ||
| They need to be checked as well. | ||
| In 1891, a 70-year-old man fired a shotgun at students in a school playground in Newburgh, New York. | ||
| In 1946, a 15-year-old student was shot in the basement of a Brooklyn school by seven thugs. | ||
| School shootings are not a new phenomenon. | ||
| So how do they have 90% of people who aren't SSRIs? | ||
| When do they come in, SSRIs? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let's look that up. | ||
| School shootings and SSRIs. | ||
| Let's look that up. | ||
| They said 90%. | ||
| Maybe that accounts for 90%. | ||
| Maybe as soon as the SSRIs kicked in. | ||
| Canada just released new money and they... | ||
| They melt in the sun. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| But the paper... | ||
| Or the... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The maple leaf is their national whatever. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Leaf. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they've got the wrong leaf. | ||
| They printed the wrong leaf on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| They put a marijuana leaf on it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That would be great. | ||
| It's like something crazy like Norwegian. | ||
| The wrong exact type. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just took a picture of Maple Leaf. | ||
| There's also an argument with the SSRIs that it's not the cause and that it's just a symptom of the fact that these people were depressed in the first place. | ||
| And there's so many doctors that are willing to prescribe you these things and not necessarily caused by SSRIs. | ||
| That is an argument. | ||
| The only problem with that argument is that one of the very effects of antidepressants is the fact that you can just deal with shit easier. | ||
| It makes things easier to deal with. | ||
| It lessens their impact on you. | ||
| It makes them feel less real. | ||
| It makes you feel less real. | ||
| It's fucking blasting people. | ||
| Over 66 school shootings involved SSRI drugs. | ||
| 66 school shootings? | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty scary shit, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the real thing is, what's really scary is the amount of people that are medicated in this country and the lack of information we have about the long-term effects of some of this medication. | ||
| Because no one has been on antidepressants for 80 years. | ||
| No one's been on their whole life. | ||
| No one even knows if you can do that. | ||
| If you've got 80 years, start seeing symptoms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I don't think anybody's really doing it, though. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, how long have they been around? | ||
| Definitely 80s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know about before that. | ||
| 8.0 earthquake in Indonesia right now, and there's a huge tsunami. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Hey, if you're stuck in Indonesia, get my special, Passive Aggressive. | ||
| Yeah, if the power goes out. | ||
| Before the power goes out, use the solar power to download. | ||
| Download it for just $4.99 right now. | ||
| Yeah, I'm looking at these shootings. | ||
| It's pretty scary when you go over all the different ones. | ||
| What's going on, no doubt about it, is that there's too many fucking people. | ||
| No doubt about that. | ||
| So you're going to have anomalies over more of them. | ||
| We've lost our value. | ||
| There's so many of us that we've lost our value, we've lost our uniqueness, we've lost our value. | ||
| We're not worth as much. | ||
| And people get stuck into a school system and someone's not paying attention and someone allows that person to get victimized and become a horrific monster because they get bullied and they get fucked with. | ||
| That is the case a lot of the time, man. | ||
| That is the case a lot of the fucking time. | ||
| And that's someone who doesn't feel like they have any value and they want to unleash that feeling of lack of value on other people. | ||
| And they want to do something horrible because they feel terrible themselves. | ||
| We have to figure out a way to, even though we are in a community of 300 million people, we have to reinstall the ideas of community, of being nice to each other. | ||
| That's why I want those people to be captured alive. | ||
| I want to be able to talk to them and say, the shooters, school shooters, and be like, what's going through your head beforehand? | ||
| This guy was. | ||
| What type of... | ||
| Was he really? | ||
| Was he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Newtown? | |
| Which last shooter was... | ||
| No, Newtown, he's dead. | ||
| Oh, the Colorado guy is alive. | ||
| Columbine? | ||
| No, the movie theater guy. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the movie theater guy's alive. | ||
| Oh yeah, what's he saying? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The school shooter in Connecticut's dead though, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did he kill himself? | ||
| I think he killed himself. | ||
| The Colorado kids tried to kill himself while in the jail, but has the new kid, did they kill him? | ||
| I think he might have killed himself, but I don't know. | ||
| Should we look that up? | ||
| Because there was something I remember recently of like... | ||
| Why do all these people kill themselves? | ||
| They say that once they get engaged by someone who has a gun... | ||
| Yeah, they'll kill themselves. | ||
| They just want to inflict damage or something? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know if this guy's alive or not. | ||
| I don't know if he's dead. | ||
| I think he's gone. | ||
| We would have heard about him, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Newtown shooter. | ||
| I wrote Newtown shooter dead. | ||
| And nothing came up? | ||
| No. | ||
| Newtown shooter is a cause of death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet they'll say gunshot wound self-inflicted to the temple. | |
| What, Brian? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Did you have fun in Vegas? | ||
| No. | ||
| You went hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, his name is Adam Lanza, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Adam Lanza. | |
| Yeah, you went hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he went way hard this weekend. | ||
| Your last drink? | ||
| Brian peed on his own pillow. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Did you already talk about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I kind of touched on it yesterday. | |
| What I don't understand is why it was wet and I still laid on it for a good hour. | ||
| Like, I woke up like, why is this wet? | ||
| Dude, I woke up in the La Jolla condo once and there was barf on the sheets right next to me. | ||
| And I was so sure that someone had done that from the week before, I just hadn't seen it when I went to sleep, that I called. | ||
| I was like, who was in the condo? | ||
| And they were like, Whitney. | ||
| And I was like, Whitney, did you barf in the bed? | ||
| She goes, no, I didn't even actually stay there. | ||
| I think KT stayed there. | ||
| I just went home. | ||
| I was like, KT, did you barf in the bed? | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I really didn't even drink or anything. | ||
| And I was like, motherfucker, I barfed in the bed and didn't know. | ||
| Goddammit, that's dangerous. | ||
| You could have died in your sleep. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| This guy killed himself. | ||
| He did. | ||
| Yeah, the Newtown. | ||
| As soon as the first responders arrived, he blew his brains out. | ||
| Man, I'd like to hear his... | ||
| The guy in Colorado didn't, though. | ||
| That guy's alive still. | ||
| He's supposed to be batshit crazy. | ||
| Not even have any sort of semblance of... | ||
| I believe he was medicated and who knows what he's on now. | ||
| And then the experience of being in isolated, solitary confinement like that for long periods of time, you know? | ||
| There's something that really breaks in a person's brain when they remove them from human interaction. | ||
| It's fucking really dangerous. | ||
| They say that solitary confinement is one of the worst tortures you can give somebody. | ||
| Yeah, that Bradley Manning kid. | ||
| He's kind of fucked because of that. | ||
| He's not going to ever recover. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| He's probably broken. | ||
| Are they going to execute him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Are they going to put him in jail for life? | ||
| I bet they would like to just disappear, make him disappear. | ||
| But too many people are aware of him. | ||
| There's all these campaigns and all over online, Twitter followers and Twitter accounts dedicated to him. | ||
| And even if he dies now, they'll be like, no way did he die naturally. | ||
| Well, he's going through some sort of illegal process right now. | ||
| Yeah, like try me already? | ||
| Yeah, and I think they're actually responding to the idea that maybe what they did to him was cruel and inhuman. | ||
| Payback. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of fucking crazy because all the guy did was let everybody know that the government did some really shady shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this guy is being treated like he's a mass murderer. | ||
| People who have killed people get better treatment than this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People who have murdered people with their bare hands give better treatment than this guy who thought he's being a patriot. | ||
| And, you know, the real issue that people have to come to grips with is part of the idea of liberty is that you're defending yourself against enemies both foreign and domestic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which means what? | ||
| I mean, it is. | ||
| If it's secretive and you can hide the information from the public, but if the public saw that information they would be aghast and horrified, well that information is stopping them from evaluating the actual landscape. | ||
| The actual landscape that they're playing on, the actual rules of the game, the actual board in front of them, because they don't really see that. | ||
| And by removing the information that's involved in war, by removing the bodies, the real video footage, then you remove access to more of the truth that would help people decide whether or not they support that or not support that. | ||
| That just by itself, that lack of information, that Withholding of information is... | ||
| Yeah, it's their decision saying the public doesn't need this. | ||
| It's a security issue. | ||
| Yeah, and it's contrary to the ideas of freedom. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Yeah, the idea that... | ||
| Also, the idea that if we're informed and then we can debate on this, we can decide what we all want. | ||
| Instead, we're being led... | ||
| And one of the ways they're leading us is by withholding information. | ||
| But also at the same time they can't let covert operations people let stuff out. | ||
| But that's why WikiLeaks didn't do any of that. | ||
| WikiLeaks responded the way real journalism is supposed to work. | ||
| They didn't release anybody's name who had already been compromised. | ||
| They didn't put anybody's life in jeopardy. | ||
| What they did was they released video footage that showed A fucking Apache helicopter shooting down whatever the fuck those rounds were. | ||
| Just ripping people apart that turned out to be reporters. | ||
| The fact that they won't let you show bodies coming home. | ||
| Yeah, that was during the Bush administration they stopped that. | ||
| Photographing coffins. | ||
| Because we want morale up. | ||
| Because Life Magazine could show the actual magnitude of those coffins. | ||
| You would freak the fuck out. | ||
| We should be allowed to freak the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah, but that would make you squeamish about the war. | ||
| Listen, we've already started this. | ||
| We've got to get things done. | ||
| The best way to get things done is to keep the American public in the dark. | ||
| The best way to get things done is to have no one die. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not going to happen because nobody wants to just give up their oil, son. | ||
| Yeah, so then we have to see the price we're paying. | ||
| Those things bother your ears when you have them on for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, they're a little tight and you'll wear them for a long time. | ||
| We might have to switch to something a little more. | ||
| They're great headphones, though. | ||
| It seems like after about two hours, I start getting, like, my ears feel like... | ||
| I have glasses, too. | ||
| Oh, that's probably what it is. | ||
| Maybe we should just put them on and do a podcast until our ears bother us, and that'll be the way we stop podcasts. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good idea. | ||
| I just feel like this podcast was so negative in the beginning. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Let's talk about poop. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| That's not interesting. | ||
| Let's talk about my special. | ||
| Can we talk about that for a minute? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Well, the fact that we're all, and you are too, doing these self-release specials. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you think of all that? | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| I mean obviously I'm a big fan of releasing content on the internet. | ||
| This whole podcast has changed all of our lives. | ||
| Not just my life. | ||
| It's changed Joey's life, Duncan's life, your life, Bert's life, Brian's life, everybody's life. | ||
| It's a new thing and the ability to release things online like that, it's amazing. | ||
| I don't think there's a better way to get something directly to your fans. | ||
| The only issue is I think that something like Comedy Central is awesome for getting you new fans. | ||
| Getting the word out, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like you put a special out, but I think you could probably wind up selling your content to Comedy Central as well. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's the ideal. | ||
| You do it yourself and then you sell it to your fans and six, eight months later, a year later, then you put it on our network and then say, okay, anybody new wants to check this out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By all means. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the real thing is that you should own it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's why you own it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you decide what gets done with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And if Comedy Central wants to cuddle up to all hell and say we're going to air it this way, you can be like, nah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nah, don't do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can always have it available in its full unadulterated form on your website. | ||
| And if some fan wants to get it six years from now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can just get it instead of having to wait for a network to air it again. | ||
| Yeah, and I love that it's only five bucks. | ||
| Five bucks is perfect. | ||
| You get a couple different downloads. | ||
| You get to stream it. | ||
| It's super easy. | ||
| It's half the price of a movie. | ||
| Yeah, super easy. | ||
| And it's good. | ||
| And the thing about these things is, too, I'm starting to treat it like an art project. | ||
| And I get excited for it. | ||
| You get excited about building a new one. | ||
| I get excited about new subjects and new bits and putting things together. | ||
| And I'm excited about taking this hour I'm doing right now and tightening it up to perfect form. | ||
| Putting screwdrivers into it. | ||
| I'm going to release this new bitch in July, I think. | ||
| That's when you're going to tape something? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I think that's like 15 months. | ||
| The great way about this too is that you can do it on your own schedule. | ||
| So you don't have to be like, oh, I get some network today instead of saying now. | ||
| I mean, after your first special did so great on Comedy Central, you wanted to do one like a year and a half later. | ||
| Yeah, they didn't want me doing one a year later. | ||
| They wanted to wait. | ||
| They wanted to wait three years. | ||
| And you were like, but I'm ready. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you don't have to wait on anybody else's schedule. | ||
| Well, I think I understand it from their point of view. | ||
| They only have so many hours in a week, and why should they put out another one of my specials? | ||
| Even if it's good, why are they doing that? | ||
| Maybe if I had one of their shows, like if I was on a Comedy Central show, it would help cross-promote. | ||
| But I don't, so it doesn't really help them. | ||
| Yeah, you have this other dissemination vehicle. | ||
| But that would be cool too. | ||
| I'll do a couple of these on my own, and then a year later I'll go to Comedy Central and say, hey, you know, you guys want to do another one? | ||
| And then maybe I could do one there, and then I'll do it both ways. | ||
| Do yours on your own too, and then give it to them later. | ||
| Yeah, or do it on my own and sell it to them. | ||
| Or HBO or wherever. | ||
| Everybody wants content. | ||
| It's a beautiful thing to be able to put out shit online like that. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| You wore a nice shirt and everything. | ||
| It's a button-down. | ||
| It's a nice version of me. | ||
| Don't play any of this material, man. | ||
| You'll ruin it for everyone. | ||
| It's just the trailer. | ||
| The best thing about it, and I don't know how much you did stuff on TV before, but nobody tells you what to say. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| That happened to me with Talking Monkeys in Space, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I was under the Zufa umbrella. | ||
| And so they told you? | ||
| I did it all through the UFC. We produced it. | ||
| So you were allowed to do whatever you wanted. | ||
| Yeah, because it was on Spike. | ||
| It was on Spike TV. And, you know, back when the UFC was dominating Spike TV. They were Spike. | ||
| Yeah, I mean Spike was like, they were like our good friends, and you know, it was really easy to do a special with them. | ||
| They had already seen me do stand-up a hundred times, because when we would do these shows, Spike guys would come to the fights. | ||
| So it was super easy. | ||
| Yeah, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was stoked about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was really easy to do that. | ||
| So the Spike thing, we also did, it like aired after a UFC. So that was awesome. | ||
| Oh yeah, so it followed. | ||
| Yeah, it followed UFC. It's like the perfect follow. | ||
| Yeah, it was massive. | ||
| Good idea. | ||
| Like that show with that weigh-ins. | ||
| Yeah, it was like 1.7 million people watched or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you see a bump in turnout after that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Because a bunch of new people found out you were coming. | ||
| Yeah, because a lot of people just didn't even know if I was any good. | ||
| We've seen a lot of people that are on TV that do stand-up, and then you go see them, and you're like, oh, this is clunky, shitty stand-up. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| That I've been doing stand-up for that long. | ||
| A lot of people... | ||
| I could have been a beginner. | ||
| They weren't sure. | ||
| But I was lucky that I'd been doing it for long enough that it would actually make sense to go see and pay money for it. | ||
| If Jeff Probst was on a comic, he'd be like, what's this going to be like? | ||
| Well, maybe, but then you go see him if it was like... | ||
| The reason why I'm awkward with my words here is I'm trying to dance around the exposing... | ||
| I'm trying to be nice. | ||
| But I think as a stand-up comic, you need like 10 years. | ||
| You need 10 years until you're really a comic. | ||
| It takes at least that long, or close to it. | ||
| There's a range. | ||
| I'm sure some people are 6, some people are 15, but that's the average. | ||
| I could see that. | ||
| To be able to put out like an hour special, really 10 years is probably pretty smart. | ||
| It's probably a good amount of time to To get your shit together. | ||
| You told me this early on. | ||
| You're like, I don't do shit for my first three years. | ||
| All I do is Arnold. | ||
| That's the only thing that still lasted. | ||
| Just a quick saver joke. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But the rest is all gone. | ||
| So it's like you're just learning ability. | ||
| Yeah, you're learning how to get laughs. | ||
| Pull the mic. | ||
| It's really important for young guys. | ||
| I always tell people those clunky jokes. | ||
| Everybody has an act where, I mean, not everybody, but a lot of comics, they have an act where they have a couple killer bits, and they have a few bits that are just left over from the old days. | ||
| I'm like, you've got to get rid of those. | ||
| Those are no good. | ||
| They're dangerous. | ||
| They're dangerous because when you have a really shitty joke, That shitty joke is an echo of your lack of proficiency in the early parts of your career. | ||
| And you're sort of repeating that echo. | ||
| Why do you still have this? | ||
| You've got to abandon that. | ||
| You've got to abandon that and sort of fill in that time with your new perceptions. | ||
| Fill in that time with your new... | ||
| So if you have some old shit that's still stuck in there because it's like a tool that you're used to using... | ||
| That's why I like this special year, year and a half. | ||
| It's almost like, hey, this is what I'm going through in 2012. Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's special. | |
| I'm passive-aggressive. | ||
| That's what was happening in my life in 2012. How much did it force you to actually sit down and write things? | ||
| Because I know you actually got an office. | ||
| Yeah, well, I use the office a lot. | ||
| I use it sometimes. | ||
| And I stuck around the road a lot, and then I just couldn't use it as much. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Back for two days or whatever, and I wouldn't go over there. | ||
| So you stopped using it? | ||
| Yeah, but what it made me really do is be real cognizant of not wasting a comedy store set. | ||
| Not just like, I'll just run some lines I've already done before. | ||
| It's like work on something. | ||
| What are you doing here? | ||
| Because you've got to build five minutes this month. | ||
| You've got to have five minutes this month. | ||
| So where are you going? | ||
| So I kept that marker in line. | ||
| Because you can get so complacent so easily. | ||
| Like, hey, I'm doing fine. | ||
| I'm doing fine. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, three years pass and you're still doing the same material. | ||
| Yeah, easily. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It goes a month and two months, then years. | ||
| And then there you are. | ||
| Yeah, when you force yourself to. | ||
| And George Carlin, I mean, everybody really owes it to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was the only guy that ever was doing that. | ||
| He was doing it every year. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| But why not? | ||
| Why not go through it? | ||
| Like, Picasso had his blue period, you know? | ||
| It's like you'll see the development of a person as a human through their material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, what you've got to realize at a certain point in time is that you are the only person who can put out Ari Shafir material. | ||
| So if someone's an Ari Shafir fan, you're the only way that they can get that experience. | ||
| If they enjoy watching you and they go, oh, I saw Ari Shafir and the way he made me feel, boy, I became a fan. | ||
| You know, when you become a fan of somebody, it's like you want more fucking content from that person. | ||
| And the reality is, if you go to see a guy, and you go to see him six years later, and he's doing the same act in the same order, you're not going to be a fan anymore. | ||
| In the same order? | ||
| We've all seen it ten years. | ||
| So regimented. | ||
| I don't want to say any names again, but I was watching this Showtime thing, or mine might have been Showtime, one of those networks. | ||
| And it was stand-up comedy. | ||
| And it was a guy that I knew on it, and I'm like, this motherfucker did not just do that bit. | ||
| He was doing that bit 15 years ago. | ||
| Showtime needs to get better specials. | ||
| They need to invest in a better type of comedy. | ||
| But they have such good fucking shows! | ||
| They have such good shows! | ||
| Weeds and California Caves, they have cool shows. | ||
| So why are there specials, dog shit? | ||
| Because there's got to be a different guy in charge of that. | ||
| But they're not all dog shit. | ||
| They put Stan Hopes on. | ||
| They put mine on too. | ||
| They put my 2005 one on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I just want to tell you, it wasn't dog shit. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| It's pretty sweet. | ||
| But just a lot of what they put on. | ||
| I just want to tell you right now. | ||
| A lot of what they put on is so bad. | ||
| Didn't they put Cat Williams on? | ||
| Did they put Cat Williams on? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Or is it Catpocalypse? | ||
| Or is that HBO? Yeah, I think so. | ||
| No, I think it was Showtime. | ||
| Was it Showtime? | ||
| I think it was Showtime. | ||
| All those, the Greeks of comedy and the theme shows that Scott Montoya puts out or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That stuff should never make it to the air. | |
| They should be illegal. | ||
| Those theme shows. | ||
| Hey, we're all Chinese. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, you assholes. | ||
| Hey, we're all from Spain. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, they tried to get me to do the all-guinea shows they used to do at a store. | ||
| I was like, bitch, are you crazy? | ||
| Night of a Thousand Guidos? | ||
| Yeah, first of all, my last name's Irish. | ||
| Only three quarters Italian. | ||
| And second of all, I'm not sharing the stage with these cunt bags just because we all have Mediterranean origins. | ||
| They all end up doing the same jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it has to be about all the Arabs or all the... | ||
| So they all end up telling, well, I'll do an Arab accent with my mom. | ||
| Get it out of the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get it out of the way. | |
| And then Tripoli goes on to those shows and is like, I'm just going to talk about fucking chicks and cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| He's so much different. | ||
| Tripoli. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| He's so silly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, have you heard about this UCB stuff? | ||
| What? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| The paying, no paying? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Well, I am three quarters of the way through that book about the comedy store strike in 79. Yeah, tell me about that book. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Not the day the laughter died. | ||
| It was... | ||
| I'm dying up here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I'm dying up here. | ||
| Yeah, it was just about a guy who was embedded with them, a journalist who was embedded with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought the 40 comics that were around at the time and how they started getting pissed that a lot of them couldn't afford food. | ||
| Yeah, that was an interesting story. | ||
| Tom Driessen was only a Laugh Factory now, I guess, but he was making like a few hundred grand a year. | ||
| They showed up where people came from, too. | ||
| He came from Chicago, I think, working clubs there, so he got to the store, got in, making a few hundred grand a year, and then they all did a New Year's show. | ||
| Two sold-out shows in the OR, maybe one in the main room, and this kid, one of them, who was on that New Year's show, They all went to Cannes late at night every night, and he was like, hey, can I borrow $5 for an omelet? | ||
| I don't have any money. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, yeah, no problem. | ||
| But then he was like, fuck. | ||
| How can you not afford an omelet? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| You just did a sold-out New Year's show. | ||
| But the comics weren't getting paid anything. | ||
| The waitresses got paid. | ||
| The people who cleaned the toilets got paid. | ||
| The comics didn't get paid anything. | ||
| And at UCB right now, it's coming out. | ||
| It's like, they're not paying anything. | ||
| They're packed every night and they're charging $5 cover charges and the comics don't get anything. | ||
| They don't get anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why don't they get anything? | ||
| I've heard one stance is like, well, it's a showcase. | ||
| It's really a popular club and if you don't like performing here, same thing as other reasons. | ||
| It's not a good reason. | ||
| If you don't like performing here, then don't perform. | ||
| If you don't like the exposure you're getting. | ||
| But it's like, yes, I am getting exposure. | ||
| Exposure you're getting. | ||
| You're selling. | ||
| Yeah, but you're selling comedy. | ||
| But it's like, I would get that exposure if you charge zero. | ||
| So the fact that you're charging five shouldn't. | ||
| And how about, don't you like that these awesome comics, that Zach Galifianakis will show up at your club? | ||
| Don't you like that? | ||
| You get something out of that, so give them 20 bucks. | ||
| Yeah, it's a totally unfair way to look at it, the idea that you're getting exposure so you should work for free. | ||
| And that the club is not getting anything. | ||
| Yeah, well that was the store's argument. | ||
| The store's argument was always that the store is the star and that you should be happy that you're performing at the store. | ||
| I had this conversation with him about that once. | ||
| I go, you guys have a box with a microphone in it. | ||
| And you know what you sell? | ||
| You sell what we think up. | ||
| That's what you sell. | ||
| And if we're not there and we're not performing, guess what? | ||
| You have no show. | ||
| And no one's going to buy your fucking $20 Heinekens. | ||
| Because that's not how it works. | ||
| That's not how it works. | ||
| You're confused. | ||
| No one's going there and saying, oh my god, this is amazing. | ||
| Unless you're giving tours of the place. | ||
| Well, if you're giving tours of the place, that's the only value. | ||
| Don't kick any of that back. | ||
| The value is in the history of the place. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But when you have shows, no one's going there because it's this awesome old place. | ||
| They're going there because it's this awesome old place that has fucking comedy. | ||
| And the deal is, it's like no one's saying, no comics are saying we want all the money. | ||
| Because the club does offer you something. | ||
| It offers you that box. | ||
| It does, and it offers you a workout. | ||
| But it's a mutually beneficial agreement. | ||
| So there's some level of split, and it shouldn't be zero. | ||
| It shouldn't be zero. | ||
| No, it's ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, I didn't mind it being zero when I was making a lot of money on TV shows, and I was working out there. | ||
| It's your choice to keep my money. | ||
| But it was my choice to help promote the club and keep it going, because I realized, as a comic, I need a place like that, and we all need it. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| As long as that place was open and we could go on stage, it was good for all of us. | ||
| So I felt like it's what you should do is do you realize they weren't making millions of dollars. | ||
| They were struggling. | ||
| So I'm like, well, I'll help. | ||
| I'll help because I like it. | ||
| Yeah, they were barely staying in business. | ||
| So I'm like, I'll help because I can. | ||
| So it was the right thing to do. | ||
| But the wrong thing to do is to think that you owe them that. | ||
| And that somehow or another you should work for free. | ||
| And that somehow or another you're getting exposure. | ||
| Your whole thing is selling comedy. | ||
| Well they said also it was a workout at the time in the store. | ||
| Not the UCB, but at the time in the store they said that's a workout room. | ||
| They don't want it to be about you're paid for comedy so you have to feel like you have to do something. | ||
| But then they should put it in Pasadena. | ||
| Well, but then they said that this, they said, um, Boosler, Elaine Boosler, who was like the one girl comic at the time, was, uh, which I gotta watch some of her old stuff, because the way they make her seem in this book, like she was like pretty legit. | ||
| She was legit, yeah. | ||
| And I don't really know any of her material. | ||
| She was legit. | ||
| It's a different time, but yeah, she was definitely legit. | ||
| But she said, she said, well, wait a minute. | ||
| I've heard Mitzi say no to somebody because they were too experimental. | ||
| So how can somebody be too experimental and also be a workout club? | ||
| Well, worse off than that, I mean, it's not a workout club because it was constantly visited by agents and managers. | ||
| They said no one would dare try new material there. | ||
| Yeah, you didn't really work out because if you ate dick up there, that could be the time that someone saw you and you would bomb. | ||
| Whereas if you go to a place like Pasadena, you could try out some shit out there because most likely it's 20 minutes outside of L.A. You wouldn't get agents or Irvine or something like that. | ||
| Now it's actually the exact opposite. | ||
| And one of the most invaluable tools I have is Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the Comedy Store. | ||
| You don't even have Tom and the talent coordinator there. | ||
| It's early in the week, so nobody really cares. | ||
| And it's like full impunity to bomb with full impunity. | ||
| You can just go. | ||
| You can just be bad. | ||
| Not that you're trying to be, but there's no stakes for failing. | ||
| So it allows you to try some shit. | ||
| And it's empty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There might be 15 people there. | ||
| So it's like, I'm going to work on some things right now. | ||
| By the way, that's ridiculous. | ||
| There's 20 million people in LA and they can only get 15. That is some of the most incompetent shit in the history of the universe. | ||
| The way they run that fucking place. | ||
| The improv's a little better. | ||
| The improv's a bringer show every night. | ||
| Listen, it's a lot of them. | ||
| It's a lot of them. | ||
| But even on the bringer shows, the improv, they'll still get a crowd. | ||
| They surprise me sometimes on Tuesdays, Wednesdays. | ||
| The last few years have been a lot better. | ||
| We could organize. | ||
| I mean, I think we do it every time we do shows at the Ice House. | ||
| We pack the Ice House on a Wednesday night at 10 p.m. | ||
| show and we have 200 people stuffed into that place. | ||
| We do it all the time. | ||
| If we organized and had a place where everybody worked out at a regular basis and And split the revenue with the comedians. | ||
| Figure out a weird... | ||
| Revenue, a GM, and a split, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, just figure out, okay, how much does it cost to keep open? | ||
| Let's set that aside. | ||
| It costs this much to buy food, so let's set this aside. | ||
| And then let's figure out how much profit there is and then let's split it all. | ||
| Let's figure out a way to make it legit where, you know, the comics, it benefits them to work there. | ||
| That'd be a full utopia. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's possible. | ||
| I think an artist's utopia is possible. | ||
| So much competition to get into a club like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's already competition now. | ||
| I mean, I've had people, there was a dude who waited in line at the fucking Ice House, waited in line, you know, because I always take pictures with people afterwards. | ||
| A guy who was a comic waited in line to the very end. | ||
| I told you, and he asked me how he gets on the show. | ||
| I'm like, get out. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You gotta be my friend. | ||
| I don't know you. | ||
| Some dude has just started to do comedy. | ||
| You can't just get in here. | ||
| These are sold out shows and there's seven of us. | ||
| You're dealing with Greg Fitzsimmons, Brian Cowan, you, Joey Diaz. | ||
| They're murderers. | ||
| Murderer after murderer. | ||
| You can't just slide in there with your shitty five minutes on donuts and cops. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I want to be on. | ||
| But all they see is themselves. | ||
| Like, but I want it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I know, but that's not enough. | ||
| Would you remember that feeling, man? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you remember that feeling when you just, you were so delusional, you just wanted to get on stage. | ||
| I'm good enough. | ||
| I'm good enough. | ||
| Why can't I get on? | ||
| Because it's got nothing to do with that right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And some of them you talk to and you just know they suck a dick. | ||
| Peter Chen used to do that. | ||
| He used to complain about not getting on stage. | ||
| He goes, but I've been there for 10 years. | ||
| I was like, but Bob Oshak doesn't get spots either. | ||
| He goes, but he only been there 8 years. | ||
| I've been there 10 years. | ||
| So me... | ||
| And I'm like, oh, you're missing the point. | ||
| You're talking about a crazy person, though. | ||
| You are missing the point. | ||
| Peter Chen was the only guy that I actually hosted open mic night. | ||
| To keep Peter Chen from hosting it one night. | ||
| Because Maguire was hosting it. | ||
| Yeah, because my friend Chris Maguire was going to audition for Mitzi. | ||
| Head writer of the burn. | ||
| And I knew that if this guy was hosting it, I'm like, Maguire's going to have no chance. | ||
| Because there's going to be no show. | ||
| It's going to be just death. | ||
| He's such a terrible, terrible comedian that if he was hosting it, there's no way he would generate any laughs. | ||
| It would set the tone for the entire night. | ||
| No one would be having fun. | ||
| It wouldn't be good. | ||
| So at the height of Fear Factor, Joe Rogan hosted the open mic at 7pm. | ||
| Brought up all the open micers, all the employees. | ||
| It was pretty rad for us. | ||
| As an employee, we're like, fucking Joe Rogan is hosting tonight! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| It was fun to do, and it worked. | ||
| Chris got passed. | ||
| He never got any spots, though. | ||
| It was one of those things where he wanted to just hang out and call in. | ||
| You pass them, and then they don't really use them. | ||
| You know how it is in the store. | ||
| The store wants you there. | ||
| You've got to hang out. | ||
| You've got to be a part of the furniture. | ||
| Dude, I used to love that. | ||
| When you hung out on employee nights on Sunday or Monday. | ||
| I loved it, too. | ||
| I used to love hanging out there. | ||
| We'd do a night where everyone would try to do each other's material. | ||
| All the employees would do it. | ||
| We'd have to pick out of a hat. | ||
| Potluck to see who you get. | ||
| And I remember you watching and just laughing. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| Those are fun shit. | ||
| Yeah, I remember... | ||
| What the fuck is his name? | ||
| The dude who was really funny who doesn't do comedy anymore. | ||
| Pete Carpenter. | ||
| Jim Painter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Painter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He stopped doing comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, he's another one where I was like, man, this guy's funny, man. | ||
| He was legit. | ||
| He's going to make it. | ||
| He's solid. | ||
| I'm like, I can see this guy just crushing a tell style on the road. | ||
| And then for whatever reason, it's a very delicate thing that makes a comic... | ||
| Especially for a few years. | ||
| Figure out his way through. | ||
| You're not getting any validation. | ||
| That's the only reason you're doing it is for validation. | ||
| I always wonder, what is it about certain comedians that just really crack through? | ||
| And what is it about certain comedians? | ||
| I always talk about Reggie McFadden and how brilliant Reggie McFadden was in the 90s. | ||
| And then I ran into Kevin Hart the other day in my neighborhood, actually. | ||
| It's the first time I ever met him. | ||
| Super nice guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Super nice. | ||
| Super cool. | ||
| Super friendly. | ||
| Like, really genuine, like you could tell, like, right away. | ||
| Like, really cool guy. | ||
| Yeah, and he can't be any bigger than that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like Dane Cook was when he was at his peak. | ||
| That's where Kevin Hart is right now. | ||
| Maybe even a little bigger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Possibly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pyrotectics. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe even a little bigger because he's doing comedy movies. | ||
| Like, they're doing movies of his stand-up. | ||
| And he's doing legit movies that are actually funny. | ||
| Whereas Dane Cook's movies were all dog shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just did dog shit movie after dog shit movie. | ||
| I mean, I think he did like... | ||
| He played a serial killer once that was probably pretty good. | ||
| Kevin Costner movie. | ||
| I heard it was pretty good. | ||
| I heard that too, but I don't know. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| But I saw a couple of them that were like... | ||
| It was almost like the aliens were trying to replicate human beings. | ||
| Yeah, for the Matrix. | ||
| It was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which, by the way, I watched the other day. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| I watched two versions. | ||
| I watched one of them from the 1950s, which was really weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I watched the other one from 1978 with Donald Sutherland, which was fucking awesome. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| It totally holds up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you remember it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It really holds up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's cool. | ||
| Some of those 70s horror movies, because it's so grainy that it lends itself, since it's old, to be more legit, as opposed to a special effects movie that makes it less legit. | ||
| Well, I watched it with Mrs. Rogan, and we were like, wow, this is really interesting. | ||
| It's such a different style of film, like the way they did. | ||
| Jeff Goldblum is in it. | ||
| I forgot Jeff Goldblum is in it. | ||
| Yeah, he's so young and skinny. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| He's like a pencil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
| I like seeing those guys that were stars for, you know, a billion years. | ||
| And you see them when they started. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like they go from Sex and the City when she was in L.A. Story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Force Face one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you're like, how is she famous? | ||
| You see them in their first roles, you're like, oh, I get it. | ||
| When you were a young, fucking rambunctious 26-year-old and you looked fucking great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you're like, I totally get it now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Kim Cattrall, the slut in the Sex and the City, when she was young, she was unbelievably hot. | ||
| She was still pretty hot at 50. Ew. | ||
| I fucked her at 54 and it was great. | ||
| Do you know anybody who did? | ||
| No, I know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe I should stop. | |
| Well, you can just change the names to protect the innocent. | ||
| But then it wouldn't be as fun. | ||
| Well, tell me what you got going on. | ||
| I don't know what you're telling me. | ||
| Well, I know someone who boned like an 80s humongous star. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Who's the star? | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| I don't know if I should say even like that. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| She still comes around once in a while. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Don't say it. | ||
| Oh, I know who it is. | ||
| How big a star? | ||
| Pretty big. | ||
| Yeah, I'll tell you afterwards. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Damn, this doesn't help the podcast. | ||
| I'll tell you who did it, though, and you can all pressure him into telling you. | ||
| Okay, who is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nick Yusuf, at Nick, Y-O-U-S-S-E-F-F. I like Nick Yusuf. | |
| Ask him who he's boned. | ||
| He's a good man. | ||
| Maybe he'll tell us. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| But is he still hitting it? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| No, no, it's been a long time. | ||
| It's been a long time. | ||
| But how old is this young gal now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| Can we play a game? | ||
| Can we guess? | ||
| Can you give us some hints? | ||
| This is so wrong. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| It's like, let me do the math in my head if I'm allowed to like... | ||
| She likes Reese's Pieces. | ||
| Because I know this means it's coming out if we do this. | ||
| So, hold on. | ||
| Let me think about this. | ||
| The math in your head of whether or not you can get in trouble? | ||
| Yeah, whether or not this is not cool or is okay. | ||
| Well, there's nothing wrong with a little sex unless... | ||
| That's an excellent point. | ||
| She's not supposed to do that. | ||
| Because it's totally cool on everybody's part? | ||
| I mean, it's not like... | ||
| Okay, let's play the guessing gear. | ||
| She likes Reese's Pieces. | ||
| I'm assuming yes. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Let me get her Wikipedia page. | ||
| Does she have a lot of stuffed animals in her closet? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She's not my sister. | ||
| By the way, while we're on the way to doing this, I talked to you about... | ||
| She's 51 now. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What does she do? | ||
| She's in a lot of music videos. | ||
| She's a singer. | ||
| Paul Abdul. | ||
| He fucked Paul Abdul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not a singer. | |
| Did he fuck Paul Abdul? | ||
| No. | ||
| He wouldn't fuck a Jew. | ||
| Oh, Paul Abdul's a Jew? | ||
| She's the Syrian kind. | ||
| The good kind? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The hot kind. | |
| What does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The hot kind. | |
| They don't look... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Spartac Jews, they look more like Persian. | ||
| Like Israelis. | ||
| Israelis have a lot more Sephardic Jews. | ||
| But there's a lot of Ashkenazi Jews there. | ||
| But yeah, they're all intermingled. | ||
| Ashkenazi. | ||
| Did I even tell you what my dad did? | ||
| That's a hilarious word. | ||
| But somebody, since he's Ashkenazi, him and his friend put somebody in the hospital for dating his sister. | ||
| Some Sephardic guy. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because no fucking Sparty is going to date my sister. | |
| What? | ||
| Him and his... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, they beat somebody up. | ||
| Dad's a douchebag. | ||
| Yeah, I tell him now. | ||
| He's like, I know. | ||
| It was very stupid. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I'm like, but you're both Jews. | ||
| He goes, I get it. | ||
| I know now. | ||
| I was 16. How am I supposed to know? | ||
| So there's a new thing called the Human Brain Project. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| And they are putting together all the existing known knowledge about the human brain, and they're trying to reconstruct the brain piece by piece in a supercomputer-based model and simulation. | ||
| The project is actually the latest to be chosen by the European Commission to receive funding as a part of the FET flagship initiatives. | ||
| So the Cerebral Challenge will be headed up by Switzerland's Eco Polytechnique, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And it's estimated to cost 1.19 billion euros. | ||
| So what these guys are doing is they're essentially going to make an artificial brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I mean, they're spending a fuckload of money. | ||
| How many euros? | ||
| 1.19 billion euros. | ||
| That translates to dollars is 1.63 billion dollars. | ||
| More than one and a half billion. | ||
| What they're trying to do is they're going to advance robotics and It's really crazy. | ||
| It's a 10-year project that's a fifth of the time required to develop a space liner. | ||
| Whatever the fuck that means. | ||
| Oh, that's the other thing that they're trying to build. | ||
| It's a space liner. | ||
| Yeah, this is really crazy. | ||
| They're going to be able to go from Europe to Australia in 90 minutes. | ||
| Europe to Australia? | ||
| By going up? | ||
| Up in space, yeah. | ||
| What they're going to do is, the idea is you're going to be able to go supersonic speeds, and you're going to be able to do it just like the Concorde was doing it, but they're going to do it in space. | ||
| But how long would it take you just to get to space? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How does a space shuttle take forever to get to space, doesn't it? | ||
| Well, they're saying you're going to be able to go from Europe to Australia and down in just 90 minutes. | ||
| Wow, that would make the whole world so much smaller. | ||
| Yeah, they're 50 years out, they believe. | ||
| 50? | ||
| Five years. | ||
| Five zero. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to take a long time. | ||
| I'm going to be dead. | ||
| No, you won't. | ||
| Hang in there, bitch. | ||
| They're going to go 150,000 miles an hour. | ||
| Stop and think about that. | ||
| 150,000 miles an hour? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| That means you can go back and forth across the United States. | ||
| Do you know how fast we go now when you get on a plane? | ||
| 500. About 500. Yay! | ||
| That's right! | ||
| So stop and think about that. | ||
| 500 to how much? | ||
| 150,000 miles an hour. | ||
| 150,000 miles an hour. | ||
| So if a plane right now would go twice as fast, you would still have to go 150 times faster than that. | ||
| The issue right now, apparently, the problem is creating a design that's capable of tolerating the heat generated at such speeds. | ||
| Oh yeah, friction from the air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How does... | |
| And you know what? | ||
| People are still going to bitch about the seats. | ||
| Motherfucker, lean the seat back into me. | ||
| Going 150,000 miles an hour. | ||
| I can't use my fucking laptop. | ||
| Going 150,000 miles an hour. | ||
| I want to use a fucking laptop. | ||
| You fucking cocksucker. | ||
| I'll kick your seat. | ||
| Oh, the TSA wants to check me for bombs when I go 150,000 miles an hour? | ||
| How about let me wear my sneakers? | ||
| I got a medical condition, you fucks. | ||
| This is pretty crazy shit, man. | ||
| I mean, we're getting a glimpse at the future. | ||
| And when we say 50 years, we go, oh, that's so far away. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Think about 1960. 1960 was 50 years ago. | ||
| Well, they look at all these natural disasters, tsunamis and stuff, and people are like, oh, that's terrible, but shit happens or whatever. | ||
| And they're like, no, no, this happens every 80 years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So all we do is we all die off and then the next generation comes in and we're like, oh, we could never see this happening. | ||
| It will continue to happen. | ||
| Yeah, they forget. | ||
| So quit building up the port or figure out a wall system. | ||
| Well, there's nothing you can do. | ||
| You have to choose to just roll the dice. | ||
| They're thinking of building these breakers. | ||
| Oh, out. | ||
| So it would cause some flight but nothing damaging at all. | ||
| I think that was the idea behind Atlantis. | ||
| And then it fell? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the rising sea levels, too. | ||
| You know, sea levels change radically over time, especially with... | ||
| I mean, there's absolutely... | ||
| Some evidence that points to global warming in some way or shape being affected by human beings. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But even if we didn't affect it, 10 minutes, even if we didn't affect it, the temperature of the Earth has varied throughout history greatly. | ||
| Yeah, it changes. | ||
| Like the dinosaurs... | ||
| The size of the universe opens and closes. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Like a balloon. | ||
| Well, whatever. | ||
| You know, the fucking sun's going to burn out and destroy us all anyway one day. | ||
| Five billion years from now, according to our pal Neil deGrasse Tyson. | ||
| Neil had some amazing Super Bowl quotes the other day. | ||
| While the people were... | ||
| Well, he was tweeting Super Bowl stuff, but it was like cool fucking science Super Bowl stuff. | ||
| I should pull some of them up because they were fucking awesome, man. | ||
| Let me find it. | ||
| What is he, N. Tyson on Twitter? | ||
| Neil Tyson on Twitter? | ||
| Neil Tyson. | ||
| And by the way, everybody, in North Carolina, I'll be in Raleigh, North Carolina this weekend, so you guys don't get my special until I'm there. | ||
| Oh, why? | ||
| Is it the same material? | ||
| Well, I have like 20 different materials, 20, 25 different. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard, isn't it? | ||
| But they'll still be like... | ||
| 25%. | ||
| I'm doing some gigs just to fuck around. | ||
| Specifically to work on new material. | ||
| I've got a few lined up. | ||
| Yeah, that's really smart. | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing Zany's in Nashville. | ||
| It's a nice small club. | ||
| I'm going to do that over a whole weekend. | ||
| This weekend, me, Brian, and Joey Diaz are going to be in West Palm Beach, Florida. | ||
| You fuckheads. | ||
| Giant room. | ||
| Yeah, it's giant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Humongous. | |
| It's awesome, though. | ||
| It's a great room. | ||
| And tickets are... | ||
| We're selling very fast. | ||
| It's almost sold out most of the show. | ||
| That'll be cool. | ||
| Get on that shit, freaks. | ||
| I like these markers you have that your draw is getting better. | ||
| Where you've returned to a place. | ||
| Like in Calgary, we did that Jack Singer hall. | ||
| And it was like we filled it up eventually. | ||
| We got it filled up the first time. | ||
| This time, two shows sold out in advance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was like, wow, that's a clear sign of stuff getting better. | ||
| You just sold out Montreal in like 50 minutes, didn't you, or something like that? | ||
| I heard it's 150 seats. | ||
| It's a small club. | ||
| It's my friend Jimbo's club. | ||
| Because I was just there a couple months ago and I did a big theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forget this dude. | |
| Metropolis. | ||
| Metropolis, yeah. | ||
| A big-ass fucking place, like a couple thousand people. | ||
| So from that to this, I did Jimbo's place, because first of all, I love Jimbo. | ||
| I've been working for him. | ||
| That club goes off. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great little club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
80 people in a room that should seat 40. It's awesome. | |
| It's just such a great experience. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| And it's going to be you and me, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're doing it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's going to be such a good time. | ||
| It's going to be so fun. | ||
| And the place couldn't be cooler. | ||
| And the pub downstairs is amazing. | ||
| Everybody that works here is cool as fuck. | ||
| And a lot of the same guys that have been working there since the beginning of time. | ||
| So let me... | ||
| Oh, yeah, that bartender's really cool. | ||
| Some of the tweets that he wrote about... | ||
| Neil deGrasse Tyson wrote this. | ||
| If grid irons were timelines with the Big Bang at one goal and then... | ||
| From caveman to now would span the thickness of a single turf blade at the other goal. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Like, you would go from a big bang through the entire football field, and then from caveman to us would be one blade of grass. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| One tiny thing that you can't even see when you're above it. | ||
| That's a cool way of looking at it. | ||
| Looking at the Super Bowl. | ||
| He's cool as fuck. | ||
| We'll have to get him back in here again. | ||
| You should have him inconsistently. | ||
| Yeah, well, if we could. | ||
| I believe he's a New York resident. | ||
| But he's out here doing the new version of the Cosmos, which is going to be fucking amazing. | ||
| And he just hit a million Twitter followers. | ||
| So follow him. | ||
| It's Neil Tyson, N-E-I-L Tyson on Twitter. | ||
| And you can follow Ari Shafir. | ||
| And if you work for the TSA, you can give him a rash of shit. | ||
| No, no, don't TSA. I'm going to rethink this and I'm going to try to be calmer. | ||
| He's going to be calmer. | ||
| But you can get Revenge for the Holocaust. | ||
| This is the CD. It's available right now. | ||
| You can get them together. | ||
| They have these bundles. | ||
| So you can get a poster or the CD and the special all together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, beautiful. | |
| So you get two hours of juicy fucking Ari Shafir material. | ||
| Go get some, you dirty fucks. | ||
| And if you want to see Juicy Red Band and Juicy Joey Coco Diaz, it's harder and harder to get Joey Coco Diaz to open for me, folks, because the dude is just blowing up. | ||
| We still don't know if he will even show up. | ||
| He's working a lot. | ||
| This podcast has done so much for all of us, but Joey is a fucking monster now. | ||
| He's really taking off like crazy. | ||
| Is that this coming weekend you're in West Palm? | ||
| Yeah, this coming weekend. | ||
| Can't wait, you fucks. | ||
| If you bought my special recently on JoeRogan.net, it will be 100% new material. | ||
| None of that material is on. | ||
| I already have an hour and 20 minutes of new shit. | ||
| Because I don't play, bitches, okay? | ||
| I got an isolation tank in my basement. | ||
| Your new stuff's really good, too. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| I'm excited about it. | ||
| There's a couple. | ||
| That vegan bit's my favorite bit I've ever written. | ||
| My favorite is, you know, my favorite. | ||
| I'm so glad. | ||
| I'm so glad it's progressing. | ||
| You know, that is partly in thankful to you because you reminded me of that bit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You reminded me of that bit. | ||
| Actually, I've got to give you 100% credit because I probably would have forgotten it. | ||
| You wrote it. | ||
| Take some credit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Credit for its resurgence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| That makes you feel good. | ||
| But it's even better now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it is. | |
| It's way better now. | ||
| It's wonderful. | ||
| The girl with no vagina? | ||
| Sorry, I'm going to give stuff away. | ||
| Folks, we're going to have some fucking fun. | ||
| Alright, and we will see you tomorrow night with our friend, the real Rick Ross. | ||
| because the real Rick Ross is not a rapper. | ||
| I know you didn't know that, but you're going to know that. | ||
| If you did know that already, he's a great guy. | ||
| We've got some cool shit to talk to him about. | ||
| He's a really interesting guy. | ||
| He used to be big-time drug dealers. | ||
| Now he's a community activist and just a really cool, nice, sweet guy to talk to. | ||
| I'm psyched to sit down and talk to him. | ||
| There's a dude out there using his name. | ||
| That big, fat Rick Ross guy, the rapper, his real name is William Roberts. | ||
| It's not Rick Ross. | ||
| The real Rick Ross was a drug kingpin, went to jail for selling cocaine during the Iran-Contra scan. | ||
| You know the Iranian Contra scandal? | ||
| You know how they were selling coke and they were using the money to fund the war of the Contras versus the Sandinistas? | ||
| That was Rick Ross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| He's the one who sold the coke? | ||
| He was the one who was selling the coke on the streets in L.A. Yes, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fascinating guy. | |
| So he would pay the government for coke and then sell it? | ||
| There was a middleman. | ||
| He didn't realize it at the time. | ||
| But it was his coke selling. | ||
| I mean, he was selling millions of dollars of coke. | ||
| He was like, where'd you get this? | ||
| It's good stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I know. | |
| Funding covert operations overseas. | ||
| He's a patriot, really. | ||
| In a way. | ||
| If you think we should have gone there. | ||
| He couldn't even read at the time. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| He was making millions of dollars and he couldn't read. | ||
| And went to jail and learned how to read and became a lawyer in jail. | ||
| He's a fascinating, fascinating guy. | ||
| He'll be on tomorrow. | ||
| All right, you dirty freaks. | ||
| Passive-aggressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please go out and support Alternative Independent Comedy. | |
| There will be no podcast. | ||
| I'm going out of town for the week. | ||
| I'm going to go to the fucking woods, my friend. | ||
| I'm going to find my space. | ||
| I'm going to go to Japan. | ||
| I'm going to meditate. | ||
| But what I'm not going to do is step foot inside this place. | ||
| I'm going to take a week off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So I want you to take a week off and listen to all Ari's podcasts. | ||
| And then I want you to find him on Twitter and yell at him. | ||
| And tell him how awesome he is. | ||
| I have a sports podcast called Punch Drunk with Tripoli and Tebow. | ||
| And I have my regular podcast called Skeptic Tank. | ||
| Suck it! | ||
| Alright, we will see you dirty freaks tomorrow. | ||
| Thank you to audible.com. | ||
| Go to audible.com forward slash Joe and get yourself free 30 days and one free audio book. | ||
| Books will make you smarter. | ||
| Yes, they will, you freaks. | ||
| And thanks to onnit.com. | ||
| Go to O-N-N-I-T and use the code name Rogan. | ||
| You will save yourself 10% off any and all supplemental products. | ||
| Alright, we'll see you freak soon. | ||
| And we love the shit out of you. | ||
| We love you more than we love yourself. | ||
| Thank you for coming out to see us. |
Export Selection