Jan. 2, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:13:18
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| I would maybe, I would maybe do... | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Don't say a word. | ||
| Don't say a word until this bitch gets crackin', Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Bert Kreischer, I want you to keep it together. | ||
| I want you to hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm holding on. | |
| I want you to realize this is a goddamn commercial-free podcast. | ||
| Exceptional edition. | ||
| This is an except... | ||
| The podcast was so good, it cannot be stopped. | ||
| For the greater good of Shiva or Odin or Thor or Cassiopeia. | ||
| Did anybody ever worship Cassiopeia? | ||
| Is that the watch? | ||
| Some chick, some dude probably wanted to fuck and he got all exaggerated with how hot she was. | ||
| Named her a fucking consolation or some shit. | ||
| What a great Cassiopeia. | ||
| I bet her website's available. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cassiopeia.com. | |
| How good does your pussy have to be before they name a consolation after it? | ||
| Not even like a tree. | ||
| Not a rock. | ||
| Not a mountain. | ||
| No, a series of nuclear explosions in the middle of the universe. | ||
| Why haven't they rebooted Thor and he got a haircut yet? | ||
| Because Thor doesn't need a fucking haircut. | ||
| He's dope. | ||
| Don't be hatin'. | ||
| Listen, Brian, you have a full head of hair. | ||
| You shouldn't be hatin' because I have almost zero hair and I'm not hatin', okay? | ||
| It's a matter of time before I shave my head. | ||
| It's your issues. | ||
| You should do it. | ||
| I sprinkle the hair in now. | ||
| You sprinkle it? | ||
| Yeah, I sprinkle it still. | ||
| Dude, shaving your head is a beautiful feeling. | ||
| Is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| Just do it. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Just do it once. | ||
| You obviously don't give a fuck about your body. | ||
| Let's be realistic. | ||
| He's been working out a lot lately. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| You know I love you. | ||
| But let's be honest. | ||
| If you were entering into a bodybuilding contest, I would say, this guy does not want to win. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| He is not trying to win Sexiest Man. | ||
| I don't even look good in Europe in a Speedo. | ||
| You're not even trying! | ||
| You're not even trying! | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with that, but let's be honest about our paths in this life, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| So, Death Squad Scotland and Death Squad Ohio are losing their fucking minds because they're, uh... | ||
| I told you to stop communicating with those people. | ||
| You don't know them. | ||
| You have not vetted them, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know Death Squad Ohio. | |
| They're awesome. | ||
| You say you know. | ||
| No, Brian does know them. | ||
| Goddammit, none of you motherfuckers have a proper filter in place. | ||
| We need to fucking set up some scientific checks and balances, much like the CIA uses. | ||
| If this, uh... | ||
| You can't just decide. | ||
| You can let some motherfucker send you some whiskey. | ||
| Oh, I can't believe... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That coconut... | |
| We have a refrigerator here at Higher Private Studios. | ||
| Full of coconut water. | ||
| We're so not fucking around, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| We're taking this to the next level, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Do you see what we're doing here? | ||
| This is... | ||
| I got my own Buddha up in this bitch. | ||
| I got a fucking care package from Onnit. | ||
| Yeah, you got a care package from Onnit, and we got the Buddha responsible for my tattoo. | ||
| Oh, is that the Buddha? | ||
| He's an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, hi guys, I'm here. | |
| Are you done with tattoos? | ||
| I'm going to fill in my right arm. | ||
| Can you see that shit? | ||
| Your right arm? | ||
| That is the same Buddha. | ||
| The guy who did my arm, first of all, he's a beautiful artist. | ||
| And he's a cool motherfucker. | ||
| His name's Aaron Della Vadova, and he works at Guru Tattoo in San Diego. | ||
| I would get tattooed just to hang out with that dude. | ||
| He's so cool. | ||
| He's a real... | ||
| He's a real artist. | ||
| He has really cool paintings. | ||
| I love his point of view. | ||
| It's so uniquely his own. | ||
| Do you remember that guy that was Jesse James, rather, who was married to Sandra Bullock? | ||
| Remember he had that affair with some girl with tattoos all over her body? | ||
| With the swastika tattoo on her forehead. | ||
| Well, I saw... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She didn't have that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she did. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was not a swastika. | ||
| White power. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| No, she did. | ||
| No, she did. | ||
| Dude, she did not. | ||
| She definitely did. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She had Swastika's tattoo somewhere. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| No, swear to God, Joe. | ||
| She really did. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I'm telling you you're wrong. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| It's like Michelle Dynamine or something like that. | ||
| No. | ||
| But anyway, my point is that she had this sleeve, and I looked at the sleeve, and I said, that's an Aaron Della Vadova tattoo. | ||
| I could tell. | ||
| His style is so distinctive. | ||
| I'm such a huge fan of individual points of expression. | ||
| There's certain pool cues where you could look at the pool cue and you know that is a sugar tree. | ||
| That's a cue that Eric Crisp made. | ||
| That is a cognoscente. | ||
| That's a cue that Joe Gold made. | ||
| They have this individual point of expression. | ||
| Michelle McGee. | ||
| Michelle McGee. | ||
| Yeah, she did a Nazi photo shoot. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| She does not have any tattoos. | ||
| Yeah, she doesn't have tattoos of Nazis on her. | ||
| This was like some crazy photo shoot that she had to do. | ||
| Although it does say WP on her leg. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, as in white power. | ||
| No. | ||
| Is that what it means? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or... | |
| Ew, whoa. | ||
| Is that really what it means? | ||
| WP? I don't think... | ||
| What else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whip it poop? | |
| What was my point about her? | ||
| You were talking about your tattoo artist at her arm or something? | ||
| Oh, I saw her arm. | ||
| And one of her arms, I think it's her right sleeve. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His style is so distinct. | ||
| Did you search that guy out? | ||
| Well, I looked in California and I was looking at all these different... | ||
| You know, it's like... | ||
| There's a lot of really good artists in California. | ||
| Especially Kat Von D, who we've had on the podcast. | ||
| That's a great podcast. | ||
| Yeah, she was really cool. | ||
| There's so many, I don't even want to name names. | ||
| There's a million talented artists. | ||
| But when I saw Aaron's work online, especially sleeves and big back pieces, like, his style is really about big, bold, like, pieces. | ||
| And when I started talking to him, like, immediately we hit it off. | ||
| I was like, this guy was cool as fuck. | ||
| He's so cool. | ||
| Like, right away, like, I was like, like... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You talk to someone, you're really happy to have a conversation with them, and we were on the perfect level. | ||
| Both of us were talking about all kinds of different crazy shit, and he's an honorable person, and he's an artist. | ||
| And it was like, right away, I was like, I love this guy. | ||
| Right away, he's the perfect guy to do it. | ||
| What did you guys, if you remember, I'm curious to see if you remember, what did you guys talk about while he was tattooing you? | ||
| Everything and anything, man. | ||
| Do you remember any of the conversations? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have it all on video. | |
| Is it like a meaningful... | ||
| We have it at the beginning of the first sleeve. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| Yeah, the beginning of the first sleeve, a lot of it was on video, but then the second sleeve is like about three years old. | ||
| I still have to go back. | ||
| There's a few... | ||
| Spots on it. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Most of it is a Miyamoto Musashi piece. | ||
| Who's the guy who is the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And there's the graphics joker. | ||
| I thought you got rid of the graphics joker. | ||
| Yeah, I have to. | ||
| I thought you did too. | ||
| I have to. | ||
| It's not quite done yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it. | |
| I think they should pimp that out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's not great. | ||
| Leave it. | ||
| Remember who you are. | ||
| It was like really even before I knew what a graphics joker was. | ||
| You drew it, right? | ||
| It's a stupid idea. | ||
| Yeah, I drew it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| But I caught that shit. | ||
| You did? | ||
| That's my jujitsu experience, my friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a Jameson experience. | |
| Can you see that tattoo? | ||
| I did draw it. | ||
| I drew that in 1990. It looks like shit now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's blurred. | |
| I like it. | ||
| Better than waterfall. | ||
| The guy who tattooed it for me did a fucking brilliant job. | ||
| His name was Danny Williams, and he died of cancer really recently. | ||
| And the bottom tattoo, the really crazy looking samurai guy, that is Miyamoto Musashi. | ||
| And he's fighting a tiger. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What happened to you? | ||
| Some sick artwork, man. | ||
| That's all my man Aaron Delevadova's work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
San Diego. | |
| He does brilliant work. | ||
| Yeah, the beach. | ||
| What was the turn? | ||
| For what? | ||
| For you. | ||
| You went from one tattoo and not smoking weed to... | ||
| Maybe I've heard you say this. | ||
| You know what it was? | ||
| I always liked tattoos. | ||
| I always liked the artwork of it. | ||
| I'm a big fan of music. | ||
| I'm a big fan of writing. | ||
| I'm a big fan of movies and cars and paintings and anything that you do that expresses whatever you have inside of yourself through some medium. | ||
| Whether it's the medium of making a hot rod or it's the medium of even designing clothes. | ||
| Like, I'm wearing some crazy t-shirt right now, some dude gave me. | ||
| It's Bruce Lee, who's acting as a DJ. I thought that was hilarious. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's someone's idea that's expressed through clothes. | ||
| You know, you can express it through furniture. | ||
| Like, my friend... | ||
| This fucking... | ||
| This table's badass. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you can express it through anything, but really, it's all the same thing. | ||
| The idea is that... | ||
| Everything that a person can enjoy is someone else trying to express some sort of positive idea through whatever medium it is. | ||
| Whether it's a fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whether it's Les Miserables. | |
| Whether it's Fifty Shades of Grey. | ||
| It's all the same thing, you know? | ||
| But what was the turning point? | ||
| Do you remember the thing? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was probably some psychedelic drug-related experience. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that was the... | ||
| But what got you there? | ||
| Well, if marijuana is a gateway drug, I'm really, unfortunately, a good example. | ||
| I don't think that it's a negative gateway. | ||
| I think we have to get over that idea, and I think a big part of the struggle that we have in this country It's a lot of conservative people misunderstand the position of people that support marijuana or cannabis. | ||
| And it doesn't mean that they're mutually exclusive and it doesn't mean that they have to be in combat with each other. | ||
| It just means that for whatever reason as a society we have associated cannabis smokers and users with lazy bitches. | ||
| And that's stupid. | ||
| And I think that if I have benefited as an unnecessarily agro, you know, child of the 80s, if I have benefited from the magical gift of marijuana, then I bet you can too. | ||
| It just needs to be used properly. | ||
| And it's going to make you examine yourself in a way that may be uncomfortable, but is most likely necessary. | ||
| You know, and the ideas that we have connected to Any sort of psychedelic experience, marijuana or peyote, you name it, mushrooms, automatically people of a conservative nature will assume that the people involved in doing this thing are being lazy or they're being frivolous. | ||
| They're being frivolous because they've decided to seek escape through chemicals rather than deal with reality. | ||
| If they really knew, they would know that that's not the case. | ||
| If they really had experience, they would know that, no, it's the exact opposite. | ||
| I hate to fucking bring up this goddamn Radiolab show again. | ||
| They were talking about religious experiences and people who did acid, and they were talking about... | ||
| They took these kids in school, took them down to a church setting where a church sermon was going on. | ||
| They're all religious teachers, okay? | ||
| All religious teachers, like religious students. | ||
| They all take acid and they hear a sermon in the church with the beautiful bells. | ||
| And they said that 9 out of 10 people in the test group, so there's 20, 10 have a bullshit, you know, a placebo. | ||
| 10 out of the other one, 9 out of the 10 had a religious experience. | ||
| And they were saying that 9 out of the 10 also went on to teach in the ministry. | ||
| Like 9 out of the 10 people that took acid. | ||
| And they were talking about the concept of whether or not you could do acid and whether or not you could create a religious experience. | ||
| And if you could, why wouldn't you have that all the time? | ||
| Why wouldn't everyone look for that? | ||
| Well, that's what we were talking about earlier, about, like, one day, maybe we can get our shitty brains to accept a state of opiate and MDMA at the same time, all the time. | ||
| I want, like, a low-grade cocaine. | ||
| Well, like, think about what's going on. | ||
| I mean, all respect to people who are on antidepressants, and this is not an antidepressant rant, and I think, quite honestly, that there's quite a few of those rants that are ignorant. | ||
| And even though, you know, we had a conversation with... | ||
| Kara Santa Maria, who's on the podcast. | ||
| Fucking loved her. | ||
| That girl was so fucking... | ||
| I've regurgitated some of her facts in conversation, not realizing I'm doing it. | ||
| I fucking was so... | ||
| I was afraid to Google her and see what she looked like, so I was like, what if she's not hot? | ||
| Because she was so hot on this podcast. | ||
| Just listen to her, you were like, oh, she's fucking smoking. | ||
| More importantly, she's very fascinating. | ||
| Really fascinating. | ||
| And what was my point? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Psychedelics? | |
| Three of them in a row. | ||
| Psychedelics? | ||
| Are you taking her at all of them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, next week I'm taking her at all of them. | |
| Hey, you want to do a double date? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope! | |
| How dare you. | ||
| He's trying to fucking just hang out with her. | ||
| He'd be rubbing his dick over the table. | ||
| Just cock blocking the fuck out of you! | ||
| But anyway, the point was that she was describing her own personal benefit From using antidepressants and her own personal benefit from regulating her state of consciousness, but with the use of science. | ||
| And if you really stop and think about it, some of the best feelings that I've ever had have been under the influence of chemicals. | ||
| Whether it's right now, or whether it's the first time I ever did anything, which was MDMA, anything of significance. | ||
| When that feeling is so sensational, like, what would life be if that feeling existed all the time? | ||
| We automatically have this thought in our head that that cannot be managed, and that needs to be discarded right away, immediately, for the state of consciousness that exists right now can never be elevated. | ||
| This is what it is. | ||
| But how do we even know that's true? | ||
| I wonder sometimes, because I go, like... | ||
| I feel like I spend my day chasing a buzz, where it's like coffee in the morning, and then there's this dead beer in the afternoon where I'm like, well, it's too late. | ||
| Before the beer comes. | ||
| Yeah, before the beer comes. | ||
| When you feel it's respectable to start drinking a beer. | ||
| 5. 5 p.m.? | ||
| Yeah, 5 p.m. | ||
| Leave me alone, woman. | ||
| At 5 p.m. | ||
| you can say, leave me alone. | ||
| I had a hard day at work. | ||
| Who keeps the fucking lights on? | ||
| Some of the best moments of my life are when my wife had a job. | ||
| We were living in an apartment complex. | ||
| We had a nanny, only because I was on the road, and sometimes the nanny and I would overlap and I'd be there when she would be there. | ||
| The best feelings, my kids are there, sun setting in Hollywood, my wife walking up in the door and just going, did anyone open a bottle of wine? | ||
| Oh, motherfucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember getting chills like it's Christmas Eve. | |
| And we'd crack open a bottle of wine, we'd pour one for the nanny, we'd just sit on the couch in socks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Oh, you're hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking love. | |
| I love those kind of moments. | ||
| You love, like, ultimate relaxation moments where everybody agrees. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That it's time to crack open. | ||
| Where everyone's on the same page. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's one of the things. | |
| Crack open the bottle. | ||
| Everybody agrees. | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
| Well, that's why you're, like, sort of the ultimate party meister. | ||
| It's like, you're the guy that would get everybody, oh, fucking Burt wants to do shots. | ||
| Let's do shots! | ||
| Are we doing shots? | ||
| We're doing shots? | ||
| Give me a hug, you fucks. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| And everybody would get together. | ||
| I think, yeah, I love that feeling when, like, it's like just fucking, someone just goes, I go, Is it going to be awkward if I order a beer? | ||
| And someone will be like, if you get one, I'll get one. | ||
| I'm like, we're fucking drinking! | ||
| Yeah, right away. | ||
| I fucking love that feeling. | ||
| I think that's what the feeling people get when they connect when they smoke marijuana is that someone likes it and then they're like, nah. | ||
| They're like, okay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's such a great, like... | ||
| There's definitely a thing that comes with being in that sort of fraternity of people that know... | ||
| They know you'd smoke pot. | ||
| Everybody's in this like, we're all cool in this, right? | ||
| As much as you sort of accept the traditional notion of reality, if you've never gotten high, you and I have very little to talk about. | ||
| I mean, we can talk about a few things. | ||
| For certain, we can talk about facts and statistics and history and numbers. | ||
| We can talk about a lot of things. | ||
| But we can't talk about what the fuck is going on when you think about someone and then the phone rings and it's them. | ||
| We can't talk about that because you're going to give me some scaredy-can answer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to go, well, statistically, it's just sort of a coincidence. | |
| There's no relationship whatsoever. | ||
| There's never been a statistical correlation between you thinking about someone and then them calling you and not meaning anything significant whatsoever. | ||
| It's just nonsense. | ||
| And you need to get a rip and put a tie on and wear some shiny shoes with slippery soles and walk down the street like a gentleman. | ||
| I don't know, but I know that when a little light bulb goes off in my head, and I think about Burt Kreischer, and then I look down at my phone, and it starts ringing immediately, and it's Burt Kreischer. | ||
| Well, call me crazy, but I think something's up. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I think there's something fucking going on when I think about you and then all of a sudden you call me immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It happens every day, non-stop. | |
| Yeah! | ||
| It happens a lot. | ||
| And you know when it happens? | ||
| You ready for this Brian Redband? | ||
| It happens when you're living your life correctly. | ||
| When you're living your life correctly, the universe gives you a lot of fucking secret messages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think that's what it is? | |
| Absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yesterday, this is something crazy as an example. | |
| Yesterday, I was talking to my friend who's a ginger, and I'm like, is there such things as Jewish gingers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never even heard. | |
| I've never seen a Jewish ginger before. | ||
| She's like, of course there is. | ||
| And then two hours later, somebody else is just like, oh, this guy, he's a ginger. | ||
| He's a Jewish ginger. | ||
| Have you ever seen one of these? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, all right, I've never talked about Jewish gingers my whole entire life. | |
| Now twice in one day. | ||
| There's a possibility that you attracted that. | ||
| There's a possibility that much like... | ||
| Have you ever sent an email on Google? | ||
| You know, it could be about anything. | ||
| You could send an email and say, Hey man, I'm looking to get a life-size copy of the robot from Lost in Space. | ||
| And then you look in the corner of your Gmail when you get on it and it'll be all Lost in Space shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's different. | |
| That's because it's reading your email. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, right, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you think somebody's reading my presence? | |
| Exactly. | ||
| Oh, I like this theory already. | ||
| This is my point. | ||
| If reality is a simulation, wouldn't it follow the same principles that your Gmail or your Yahoo has? | ||
| Where you'll see the corners where shit that you've sent emails about will be reoccurring themes in your life. | ||
| I do that in life all the time. | ||
| I put it out there. | ||
| But isn't it fascinating? | ||
| You put it out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a program. | |
| It mirrors what we know is a program. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| You're right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just the fucking natural course of history of how life's going to go down. | ||
| It already happens in life. | ||
| God does it. | ||
| The universe does it. | ||
| It trickles onto you. | ||
| You sound like you're ripe for a cult. | ||
| I could fucking get you to sign up right now. | ||
| Give me some blue Nikes. | ||
| Suck my dick in a house full of feathers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could be so quickly put into a cult. | |
| I've been watching this documentary. | ||
| The Vice guys made a documentary about this fucking dude who's a... | ||
| He's the new Jesus. | ||
| He's a Siberian Jesus. | ||
| Have you seen that, Brian? | ||
| Listen, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I pull it up? | ||
| No, we shouldn't pull it up because it's a really long piece. | ||
| Those Vice guys are crazy. | ||
| It's at least, I've only watched the first two ten minute pieces, but it's fascinating. | ||
| There's a guy in Siberia that's created a village and he's like the second coming of Jesus. | ||
| He's like the new Jesus. | ||
| And he has thousands of people that are living up there. | ||
| Thousands. | ||
| They're all living up there. | ||
| But, meanwhile, they're living in an unbelievably beautiful place. | ||
| I mean, it is stunning. | ||
| Maybe see if you can find some photos. | ||
| But it's staggeringly beautiful. | ||
| And this guy, he's not preaching anything bad, except being a vegan. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| I gotta have meat. | ||
| He's a vegan. | ||
| Even when I was doing that clean program. | ||
| Vegan Jesus. | ||
| I'd have chicken with fucking lettuce wraps. | ||
| Oh, I love spicy shit. | ||
| Yeah, I wish that animals weren't so fucking delicious. | ||
| They're fucking amazing! | ||
| And I wish that they didn't fucking keep making animals. | ||
| Maybe they would just all live forever and everyone would be immortal when we have enough numbers now and just keep it going. | ||
| I had duck heart? | ||
| This is the dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Let me see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was the photo of the dude who's the Russian Jesus. | |
| Meanwhile, he's got an awesome spot. | ||
| I don't think I ever saw Jesus smile. | ||
| Yeah, well, he does when Green Day's playing. | ||
| He's always sad because he's hurt. | ||
| All Jesus' pictures were like hip-hop cover albums. | ||
| Like, just, what's up? | ||
| The Australian Jesus is a guy in Queensland, and he says he's Jesus too. | ||
| I was just in Queensland! | ||
| What's that guy look like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What were you doing? | |
| Were you doing stand-up? | ||
| No, we did Trip Flip in Australia. | ||
| Oh, in Queensland? | ||
| Fucking Australia, best country I've ever been to. | ||
| I'm telling you when I say this, and I'm not shitting on America, and I'm not shitting on Canada, because you guys are second, but Australia blows everyone away. | ||
| I love the people there. | ||
| I love their attitude. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| We're so uptight in this country. | ||
| We're really so unbelievably uptight. | ||
| Especially when it comes to going out and having fun and relaxing. | ||
| I'd moved to Australia in a fucking heartbeat. | ||
| In a heartbeat. | ||
| There's this thing about America that America was sort of founded and created by a bunch of people that have come here from somewhere that sucked and they had enough and they just made it over to some new spot. | ||
| I think that the type of person that it takes to be able to get in a boat and travel across the ocean and land some new land, I think it takes several generations before everybody fucking relaxes. | ||
| That's the badass motherfuckers that could get in a boat and fucking do that. | ||
| Because you just shook the loose leaves got shaken off the tree. | ||
| They were so gangster. | ||
| They got in a goddamn boat and traveled across oceans with no radio, no TV. Do you ever think about that, though, when you travel with your kids somewhere, and then you go, how would we travel across America? | ||
| Like, how would your family size up in a wagon train going from New York to L.A.? My family would have either stayed... | ||
| I mean, if you had little children, you would have stayed in Italy or Ireland. | ||
| You would have done whatever you could do to stay where you were. | ||
| But my grandfather's family came over here in... | ||
| I want to say the early 1900s, my grandfather's family came over here from Italy. | ||
| And my grandfather lived on a farm and he used to tell me stories about how they used to kill rabbits with their hand, grab them by the neck and snap them. | ||
| That was like a normal part of your life. | ||
| And there was, you know, winters where like they would run out of food. | ||
| Like there was no food. | ||
| Like they'd have to go and borrow food from people that were neighbors. | ||
| Some crazy times, man. | ||
| You know what's more crazy than that? | ||
| I say this guessingly, but the amount of humility your grandfather must have had. | ||
| He was a very humble guy. | ||
| Almost too humble. | ||
| He got walked on by my grandmother. | ||
| My grandmother was a really strong woman and she used to yell at him all the time. | ||
| I was like a little kid. | ||
| My mom had me when she was 20. My mom did her best but she was really young. | ||
| When you're 20 years old and all of a sudden you're raising a baby. | ||
| Your grandparents are only 40. I was 21 when I was born. | ||
| My mother was 21 when I was born. | ||
| I was 21 when I was born. | ||
| I might as well have been. | ||
| I would probably feel like, oh my god, this bitch is 21. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| I gotta get up to a 21-year-old mentality immediately. | ||
| Your grandparents are like, what, 37? | ||
| No, they're old. | ||
| 40? | ||
| They could have been. | ||
| No, no, at the time you were born. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how old they were. | ||
| I mean, it's hard for me to wrap my head around now. | ||
| I don't want to do the math, but the point was my mother was young. | ||
| And so, like, growing up with, like, a young mother that doesn't necessarily know what the fuck is going on makes you realize at a young age, like, oh, shit. | ||
| Makes you start looking at everything a little differently. | ||
| This lady doesn't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, I don't think she can make eggs. | |
| No, she was okay with that, but we are both in this fucking crazy thing together. | ||
| And, you know, you realize, like, kind of early on that no one knows what the fuck is going on. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I can't imagine being... | ||
| I can't imagine... | ||
| My biggest hiccup in life was getting into stand-up because I just... | ||
| I didn't have any humility at that time in my life. | ||
| My dad gave me a speech on my 26th birthday that was like... | ||
| Fucking aggressive. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 26th? | ||
| 26th. | ||
| It was on my birthday. | ||
| He called me and I thought he was going to wish me happy birthday. | ||
| And he was like, you're a fucking loser. | ||
| He's like, you make me embarrassed. | ||
| I'm embarrassed that you're my son. | ||
| I lie about you. | ||
| He goes, you know what that's like? | ||
| To have a judge say, I heard your son got his life's option by Oliver Stone. | ||
| He's in New York doing stand-up. | ||
| How's he doing? | ||
| He goes, I lied in fucking court. | ||
| He goes, it makes me sick to my stomach. | ||
| I was like, what can I do different? | ||
| And he goes, nothing. | ||
| I was like, well, can I fix this? | ||
| And he goes, no, I failed you as a father. | ||
| And it got me to, like, it changed my life. | ||
| Like, I went, he taught me how to get, taught me how to be humble enough to get a job in stand-up. | ||
| So you just needed to work the door, but I thought I was above that. | ||
| I thought that I was better than that. | ||
| Like, I thought that someone would just grab me and put me on stage and I'd be discovered. | ||
| That's how I thought it happened. | ||
| I didn't know you could... | ||
| Literally be humble and say, I want to do this. | ||
| How do I go about doing this? | ||
| Please help me to someone. | ||
| And he got me into it and literally fucking started doing it the next night and six months later I had a deal. | ||
| And it was like, it was a fucking, one of the greatest things I ever did. | ||
| I look back at that so fondly those times. | ||
| Me, like outside, this is every single night hanging outside. | ||
| Jim Norton, Bobby Kelly, Patrice O'Neal, Colin, like not Colin Quinn actually. | ||
| I've never actually met him until recently. | ||
| Why'd you just throw him in there? | ||
| Because I started getting into a Tough Crown mentality. | ||
| I started losing off the credits of Tough Crown. | ||
| I was like, me, Bobby Kelly? | ||
| Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| But I call myself. | ||
| I'm honest. | ||
| I never met Nick either. | ||
| You've never met Nick? | ||
| I worked the door when he'd come in and do the club, but I never knew him. | ||
| Have you ever seen him on stage? | ||
| Nick's brilliant. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo, to me, is one of the most underrated comedians in this country. | ||
| Hands down, no questions asked. | ||
| He's the kind of guy you can tell his jokes to your friend at a bar, and they fucking lose their mind. | ||
| Dude, he had a joke about Remember when Katrina hit? | ||
| Dude, it's so cruel. | ||
| It was so fucked up. | ||
| But he goes, yeah, they were writing rescue signs on the roof, but... | ||
| I'm not doing this any justice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so sorry. | |
| I was already thinking of doing a nick bit, and I was like, there's no way I'll get through it. | ||
| They were signing rescue signs on the roof, but they were misspelling them. | ||
| Instead of help, it said HEP. You want some HEP? Drink that fucking water. | ||
| If you want some HEP, drink that water. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| I'm sorry, Nick. | ||
| I butchered your joke. | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| I wish I knew his joke about... | ||
| He goes, I'm not going to do this any justice either. | ||
| A lot of people say they haven't said the N-word. | ||
| A lot of people say that? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I guess you never put $1,000 on a playoff game then! | ||
| I know I ruined that bit, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| It was good. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo is one of the funniest. | ||
| I watched Nardy and Nick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess you never put a thousand dollars in a playoff game. | |
| I watched Nardy and Nick on the... | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| Same thing Dan Patrick shows on. | ||
| I watch it. | ||
| I watch it because I respect both those guys so much that I go... | ||
| It's not the best show sometimes, but... | ||
| Well, this is what I think. | ||
| That show would be fucking magic if it was uncensored. | ||
| And to take Nick and Artie and put him on regular radio is like taking Joey Diaz and make him, instead of talk, write with a crayon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's fucking stupid. | ||
| I watch it all the time, though. | ||
| I love Nick and Artie. | ||
| Someone with some fucking balls. | ||
| Please take that show. | ||
| Put it on the internet. | ||
| You'd make more money. | ||
| You'd have more people listening. | ||
| And you could still put it on DirecTV or whatever the fuck you're putting it on. | ||
| It still would be... | ||
| But let Nick be Nick. | ||
| Let Artie be Artie. | ||
| Let him be crazy. | ||
| Let him talk completely unhindered. | ||
| The way he... | ||
| I was talking to someone recently about bomb lines. | ||
| When you're doing bad and a heckler's attacking you and you have your comeback, and Nick DiPaolo has a time... | ||
| I'm once again butchering whatever this story is because I don't remember it, but Nick said that he was getting heckled by this girl in a It was our bachelorette party, and he was on the road in some podunk town, and he was like, he was like, ma'am, I hope the next time you reach under your armpit you feel a lump. | ||
| And he goes, I've never had an entire crowd hate me more, and they had to escort him, like, to the green room there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| But he's a fucking old school, like, old school kind of, like, That's the kind of dad... | ||
| I meet dads at my kids' school, and I wonder if they know who the fuck I am. | ||
| Then they do know who I am. | ||
| They figure out who I am. | ||
| They'll Google me and they'll go, oh shit, I didn't know you were this guy. | ||
| I can be this guy around you. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| I wonder if parents, because he's got kids, if they meet him and they have no clue of who he is, and then Google him, and then they're like, oh my god, I can tell this joke in front of you. | ||
| He's one of the funniest fucking human beings, man. | ||
| He's a very nice guy, too. | ||
| Did you ever do Tough Crowd? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Tough Crap was a definitive show in my life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would just have my first daughter. | ||
| It's a fun show. | ||
| I've been doing The Road, and I knew a lot of those guys, most of those guys from doing stand-up in New York. | ||
| It's really a tragedy that that show was canceled. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| It seems like, like, why would you ever? | ||
| I mean, it was such an easy resource. | ||
| You know, it was easy to get comedians. | ||
| Everybody wanted to be on it. | ||
| It was very entertaining. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a podcast in the past. | |
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty much a podcast. | |
| Yeah, it was a podcast. | ||
| It was a limited, like, time, a time-limited podcast. | ||
| Listen, man, we're so lucky that we are existing in this time where you can do this thing, where you can do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| No one's telling us what to do. | ||
| We're doing whatever we want. | ||
| We decided to keep going. | ||
| We decided to end the podcast, take a leak, and keep going. | ||
| There's no producers. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| That's the beauty of a situation like this. | ||
| Oh, this is when Greg Giraldo and fucking Dennis Lurie... | ||
| Hit pause for a second, Brian. | ||
| This is a funny story because Giraldo never even went to the nuclear weapons, which is plagiarism. | ||
| He never even went to that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, he never even went to that. | ||
| But Leary was so conti with him, like right off the bat. | ||
| Greg Giraldo was a fucking beautiful dude. | ||
| He was just the nicest fucking guy. | ||
| He was very intelligent. | ||
| In a time in my life when no one needed to be nice to me, there were two people that were distinctly nice to me and gentle. | ||
| And that was Bill Burr and Greg Giraldo. | ||
| Like, you know, Norton and Bobby and all those guys were always nice to me, but man, Geraldo and Bill Burr took time, pulled me aside, and like, they were fucking great guys. | ||
| I remember one time calling into my buddy Cowhead show, because Geraldo was on, and calling in to listen to Geraldo's interview, because I just loved Greg. | ||
| And Cowhead told him, and Greg goes, oh, put him on the phone, I'll talk to him. | ||
| And I talked to Greg for like fucking 10 minutes in between a break and a song, and just was like, man, how's everything going? | ||
| And he was like, well... | ||
| Yeah, he was very sincere. | ||
| Fucking, fucking great guy. | ||
| He had a show, I don't remember what network it was on, but... | ||
| It was his sitcom. | ||
| It was on during when yours was, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He talked about partying with the girl that was on your show. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The girl with the big tits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| On news radio. | ||
| A girl with big tits? | ||
| Didn't that one girl have big tits? | ||
| No, not me. | ||
| Who was the girl on your show? | ||
| There was beautiful girls, but Maura? | ||
| Maura? | ||
| Yeah, I always thought she had big tits. | ||
| Maura did not have big tits. | ||
| I thought her tits were so big they had to tape them up. | ||
| No, Maura was the white girl with black hair. | ||
| Yeah, she was the lead. | ||
| She just had big nipples. | ||
| That's a terrible misunderstanding. | ||
| Oh, she was beautiful. | ||
| She was very beautiful and incredibly talented. | ||
| Oh, fucking wanted to drink a bottle of white wine with her so bad. | ||
| I did a scene with her once, and I'll never forget this. | ||
| I told her, and she just sort of laughed it off. | ||
| She's like, really like... | ||
| She wasn't... | ||
| She would never, like, brag about her talent, like, as an actor. | ||
| She was good. | ||
| But we did a scene together, and I didn't realize that she was acting. | ||
| I thought she was saying something to me. | ||
| And I was like, oh, that's the words. | ||
| Oh, whoa. | ||
| I go, holy shit, you badass bitch. | ||
| I go, I didn't know you were acting. | ||
| I go, you just fucking rocked me. | ||
| Like, she rocked me with what she was saying. | ||
| Because the set of News Radio was very loose. | ||
| There was a lot of fucking off. | ||
| And there was also a lot of improvisation, where Dave Foley was responsible for a huge amount of what got on the air of that show, because he was almost like a secret producer. | ||
| And it was because the guys who wrote the show were so open-minded and so smart, and Paul Simms, who was the executive producer, was just This really brilliant guy who recognized that there was a lot of people like Andy or like Phil Hartman or Dave Foley or whatever who would have this intuition while they were on stage working out the scenes that they would come up with new things and to incorporate those new things. | ||
| So Dave was constantly tweaking things and adding things. | ||
| And being able to watch that and to watch someone do that and to be in that situation, I was like, wow. | ||
| This is an ideal situation. | ||
| I was the... | ||
| This is going to sound cunty. | ||
| Not cunty, but weird. | ||
| Last year was a very good year for me, and I'm also in the middle of our school, so our kids are in third grade, and now we've been at school long enough that we know all the parents, and so I was the resident famous comedian parent. | ||
| Like, oh, he's a comedian. | ||
| I think Dave Foley's kids go to our school now, and Dave Foley, they were like, have you heard Dave Foley? | ||
| He spoke at a PTA moment. | ||
| Apparently he's a fucking amazing dad. | ||
| Either that or it's a guy that looks like Dave Foley. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He's an amazing dad. | ||
| Like, he, like, fucking shows up and does all the shit. | ||
| And they were like, and I don't go to anything. | ||
| I don't even go to recitals. | ||
| Like, I just fucking... | ||
| He's a very solid dude. | ||
| That was a great set. | ||
| But what I'm saying about Morris, she was built... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She's very pretty. | ||
| Beautiful woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge knockers. | |
| She didn't have big knockers. | ||
| Oh, she was fucking hot as shit. | ||
| Yeah, she's very hot. | ||
| But yeah, but Greg Geraldo shot across from you guys, and you guys used to party, right? | ||
| Well, Greg was right next door, and he was... | ||
| There's a lot of guys who had TV shows. | ||
| There was a lot of guys who got gigs back in those days. | ||
| They got a development deal, and maybe they had a few episodes. | ||
| Like my friend Tom Rhodes, he had a show for a while. | ||
| Fucking love Tom Rhodes. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good dude. | ||
| He's a great dude. | ||
| And I met Tom... | ||
| The first time I met him was when we were both on NBC. I was on news radio, and he had his own show. | ||
| And then he went over to Amsterdam. | ||
| Tom's beautiful. | ||
| He's fucking awesome. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| But he never lost his shit. | ||
| You know, he's always been cool. | ||
| He's always been like... | ||
| The night I met... | ||
| Tom Rhodes is like, in my opinion, like a fucking legit comedian. | ||
| Tom Rhodes is from Florida. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've told him this story a number of times. | ||
| And he never really remembers it. | ||
| But we ran into each other in Amsterdam. | ||
| We did that Showtime special with Russell Peters. | ||
| And I said... | ||
| The fucking first night I met him, I was working at the Boston Comedy Club, I came downstairs, and he was at the bar, and I knew he was from Florida, and I was from Florida, and I like to stand up, and I walked up to him, and I was like, I was like, hey man, my name's Bert, I'm a comedian, I just started, I'd love to ask you, and he stopped me, like, put his hand on my chest, his hand on my chest, and was like, listen, You start buying beers, and I'll answer every question you want. | ||
| And I was like, alright. | ||
| So I started, I put my fucking dad's credit card down, and I fucking bought beers, and talked to him about comedy for like three hours. | ||
| It was fucking great. | ||
| He was one of the one dudes that did the Ice House Chronicles, and we had a long conversation afterwards. | ||
| I was with you. | ||
| Yeah, he was like, the camaraderie is so cool here. | ||
| It's like we have like real comedian camaraderie. | ||
| He was hammered and I said, I was with the two, I think I was with the two, I had a guy with me to drive me. | ||
| And I was like, Tom, let us take you to your, because he was hammered. | ||
| Yeah, we were trying to tell him, there's no way you're driving. | ||
| Yeah, and he was like, ah, don't worry about me. | ||
| I sleep in the car, I wake up and I go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He slept in his car. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| That's illegal. | ||
| If you sleep in your car, they'll arrest you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just had a simulation thing happen to me, Joe. | |
| That Dennis Leary video that we were talking about, last night I watched this movie called Happy, which is all about depression and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a documentary on Netflix. | |
| I recommend it. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| But there was a guy in the movie that was like a motivational speaker to kids. | ||
| And I was like, who is this guy? | ||
| It's the guy on the right right there. | ||
| I've never seen this guy ever in my life. | ||
| Lenny Clark. | ||
| Yeah, and now he's in this fucking video. | ||
| Oh, Lenny is going to be on the podcast. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Oh, let me tell you something. | ||
| The second time I ever did stand-up for money, I opened for Lenny Clark. | ||
| I used to say it was the first time, but it's a lie, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The first time I opened up for a guy named Warren McDonald. | ||
| That's the first time I ever got paid. | ||
| But the second time I ever got paid, the truth is, I opened up for Lenny Clark. | ||
| And I was in a place called Jay's in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. | ||
| And Lenny, he's always been super cool to me. | ||
| God, look how fat Greg looks. | ||
| Does he look fat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're comparing now... | |
| How dare you, you son of a bitch. | ||
| At least you know that Greg would have been going, that was a horrible joke. | ||
| The big guy, by the way, Lenny has lost a shitload of weight. | ||
| Yeah, Lenny is really thin now. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a six-pack. | |
| Wait, are you serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
In that documentary, he was pulling out towels because he wouldn't stop sweating. | |
| And I was talking to the girl I was with last night, and I was like, Isn't that crazy? | ||
| He's just standing there talking to kids and he can't stop sweating. | ||
| There's like sweat all over his body. | ||
| What documentary was this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called Happy and I just saw it last night. | |
| I've never seen this guy before in my life and I just pull up this video and he's in this video. | ||
| It's so fucking... | ||
| Where's the part where Greg and Greg and what you call a fight? | ||
| We did that movie together, Here Comes the Boom, the Kevin James movie, and Lenny Clark was in that movie because it was shot in Boston and Lenny played a local Boston guy. | ||
| Lenny Clark, I fucking love that guy, but he lost a lot of weight, man. | ||
| He lost a ton of weight. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| I mean, he's like really lean. | ||
| He doesn't have a gut at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have a lot of Italian guys out of work who are very good at this. | |
| That's true. | ||
| And I'm sure they would do it for a reasonable price, and they could come back, we could have a feast. | ||
| And like they did in a civil... | ||
| Is this where... | ||
| Where do they find out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's about the time, I think, right here. | |
| Well, what happens is Dennis Leary gets mad that Greg Giraldo has prepared material. | ||
| It's really hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it during the nukes of hazard? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Someone should find this off-air and figure it out because it's a really interesting... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There might be. | |
| They're asking for what? | ||
| There's a non-violent way to solve a problem with a country that we hate, that hates us, that's got weapons pulling at us? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| Like Russia, for example, that big Russian war. | ||
| Goddamn it, it's British. | ||
| There are things that... | ||
| There are approaches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to be strong about it, but there are approaches. | |
| There are economic benefits that we're giving them in order for them to stop developing their weapons. | ||
| I heard recently they agreed to stop building nukes if American women agree to get their nails done at least twice a week. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good boy. | |
| This guy writes so many jokes before the show, it's not even funny. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| He's got a pocket full of them. | ||
| They're good ones, huh? | ||
| I'm not saying they're not good. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| It was right there. | ||
| That's kind of what we do here, Dennis. | ||
| We're a comedy writer. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| I'm not coming back. | ||
| You know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You heard a guy in school that did all the homework and then asked if there was any more that needed to be done. | |
| That's a good point. | ||
| and if you would try a little comedy writing maybe your show would still be on the air fucking Geraldo bitches! | ||
| he just crushed them you know but that's the thing that happens when dudes get famous it's They think a guy can't come along and clown you. | ||
| Dude, tell me about it. | ||
| It's the first time I went on the road and I realized there are killers that I've never heard of. | ||
| No, but when a guy gets famous to a point where you're a Tom Cruise or any sort of a person who's been in movies, Dennis Leary, when that came out, had been in a ton of movies. | ||
| He had been in some really high-profile movies. | ||
| I mean, he thought of himself as a guy who had made it. | ||
| So I think he probably assumed he was going to get a certain level of respect. | ||
| So when Gerardo hit him with, maybe if you did a little writing, your show would still be on the air. | ||
| That was like a nuclear weapon that he didn't see coming. | ||
| He didn't see that coming at all. | ||
| He got detonated on. | ||
| You know what's great about Geraldo? | ||
| Hubris. | ||
| That was hubris. | ||
| You look at the look on Geraldo's face, and you can see his eyes twitching, and you can see him going angry, going, uh, three, two, I got this, I got this, and then making his tactical call in his head, you can see that happening almost. | ||
| It's a superior mind. | ||
| Just not as famous, but a superior product. | ||
| What he would put out, his points of view would be superior. | ||
| The idea that there would be something funny and saying that someone prepared. | ||
| Like, look at him, he prepared. | ||
| Just being a bully. | ||
| The idea of that is ridiculous. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Like, oh, look at the painter. | ||
| He went and painted. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| There's a certain personality that, and I'm not going to speak, I'm not saying this is Dennis Leary, but there is a certain personality that's so arrogant in that the way I say it will be so much better than the way you say it, as opposed to what I say is better than what you say. | ||
| So, like, you can hear the statement before him when he says, well, we're going to go to a war with a country? | ||
| Like, it was very arrogant, and he was like, yeah, like that great Russian war. | ||
| Like, yes, that does fucking work. | ||
| You're not listening to the words. | ||
| You're overlooking the thought. | ||
| Well, he has this idea that somehow or another he's going to be able to solve, what, hundreds of scholars and heads of states and diplomats and emissary workers. | ||
| No one can solve. | ||
| No one can solve. | ||
| But he's going to come along and tell you exactly how things need to be run. | ||
| The ideas of, first of all, communication between nations where they don't even speak the same fucking language, you know how difficult that shit is? | ||
| It's so fucking hard just to understand things in cultural context and explain those to the different people that are in your country that you're sort of representing because Koreans are not like Americans and Americans are not like Koreans. | ||
| People that live in North Korea do not understand how we're living in North America and the people in North America, for the most part, Really are fairly ignorant about what the fuck is going on in North Korea. | ||
| And one of the big reasons is because we can't fucking communicate with each other. | ||
| If we could communicate with each other, if everybody in North Korea knew how to speak English and they all could read the shit on the internet about how the world is run and what the fuck is really going on in the country and how the rest of the world views things, They would probably slowly but surely take action. | ||
| But the fact that they're separate from the rest of the world, the fact they speak this one very unique sort of a language that's difficult to learn and isn't translatable very easily to English or Spanish or Is Korean not translatable? | ||
| It's difficult. | ||
| It's a complex symbol, the way things are written and everything. | ||
| Our good friends are Korean. | ||
| We went to a Korean barbecue. | ||
| His name is Roy Choi. | ||
| He's the guy that started the taco truck. | ||
| The concept of the taco truck, it's him. | ||
| He started the taco truck? | ||
| He was the first guy? | ||
| The premise of these gourmet taco trucks. | ||
| He's Asian? | ||
| Yeah, Roy Choi. | ||
| He's good friends with Bourdain. | ||
| Asians don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| They get things done. | ||
| They get things done. | ||
| Don't they? | ||
| They really get it done. | ||
| They fucking get things done. | ||
| They really do. | ||
| They're the fucking future of America. | ||
| When you eat... | ||
| How the fuck did they ever figure out how to get... | ||
| I don't even know what you've said yet. | ||
| A full, like, stranglehold on the manufacture of, like, electronic parts and... | ||
| TVs and laptops and shit. | ||
| Cars are over there now. | ||
| There's nowhere in Detroit. | ||
| No one's doing cars in Detroit. | ||
| Well isn't Chrysler still in Detroit? | ||
| And isn't Ford? | ||
| No, but no one's in Detroit. | ||
| Detroit's apparently in peril because everyone took their business to Asia. | ||
| Is it more an idiocracy? | ||
| Not idiocracy. | ||
| Theocracy? | ||
| Not theocracy. | ||
| What's the word I'm looking for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Idiocracy. | |
| Is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Idiocracy. | |
| What are you trying to explain? | ||
| Where it's like the idea of the state is better than the person. | ||
| So everyone looks up to the state. | ||
| Passionism? | ||
| It's something like that where they care about their job. | ||
| Americans just don't care. | ||
| Well, you know what happened is, first of all, The cars they made sucked. | ||
| That happened. | ||
| In America? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| We have to figure out what the fuck went wrong. | ||
| There was a period where we got really lazy. | ||
| What the fuck went wrong from like 1973 to like... | ||
| To the Ford Tempo. | ||
| ...1990 fucking 80. Ford Tempo was a fucking... | ||
| That was a phone-in job by the Americans. | ||
| That car sucked dick. | ||
| It sucked dick. | ||
| It sucked dick. | ||
| In 1989, the Ford Tempo sucked dick. | ||
| But the Ford Tempo is a Ford Tempo. | ||
| What the fuck happened to the Mustang? | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| In the 80's it was great. | ||
| I can say this. | ||
| I have a Mustang today. | ||
| I have a Shelby GT500 and I fucking love it. | ||
| But that's a 2010. And between 1965 and 1972 or 1973 they had some dope fucking car. | ||
| Really like to 69. But then something happened in the 70's and the 80's. | ||
| You call that a fucking Mustang? | ||
| What are you, a communist? | ||
| Would a terrorist infiltrate the Ford plants and hold down the designers by gunpoint and gay up all the drawings? | ||
| How the fuck do you call that? | ||
| Or un-gay them. | ||
| I spell gay G-H-E-Y. Or un-gay them, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Homosexuals. | |
| Because I wonder if it had to do with homosexuality and the fear of homophobia. | ||
| And they took all these great gay designers that were super closeted in the 50s and then there was this manliness and they disappeared. | ||
| Are you trying to say that Dick Suckin designed the Corvette? | ||
| No, there's no way you can tell me as a man what is sexy without knowing sexy as a man. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about, Pete Townsend? | ||
| The Corvette is the sexiest car you can put me in. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| I just drove one from Miami to Marco Island, and I tell you right now, the second I sat in that seat, I would let the steering wheel be close to my face because I wanted it there. | ||
| It was just fucking... | ||
| What kind of car was it? | ||
| A Corvette. | ||
| Which year? | ||
| Brand new. | ||
| Brand new. | ||
| 3,000 miles convertible. | ||
| Oh, the new ones. | ||
| Was it a 426? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| The 426s, they have the Z06 engine and suspension and a convertible. | ||
| So fucking hot. | ||
| Like, I just felt cool as shit in that car. | ||
| That's not a Corvette, Brian. | ||
| That's a goddamn Miata, and it's pink. | ||
| How dare you hate America on this podcast? | ||
| Hating America! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta poop. | |
| Well, why don't you go poop, man? | ||
| We'll wait. | ||
| We'll hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What time is your comedy show tonight, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Can we guide people in your general direction? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't even know where I'm going to go. | |
| I'm just going to try to get up somewhere. | ||
| No, when you do that, what do you do? | ||
| You just show up and say, hey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show up and try to sneak my way in. | |
| Hey, my name is Brian Redband. | ||
| You might know me on Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| Is that what you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why don't you start a room your own, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| I did. | ||
| I have like three rooms every day. | ||
| So, do you think ever we'll be all contained under one roof? | ||
| Do you think that ever the full Death Squad family will have podcast studios in one gigantic warehouse? | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Because that's what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm saying we also duplicate this at the Onnit compound in Texas. | ||
| Why not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, Austin, let's go. | |
| High fence, thousands of acres, our own lake, plus deer to shoot. | ||
| How do we get it? | ||
| How do we get it? | ||
| Solar power, bitch. | ||
| Did I say, what, what? | ||
| Maybe we can have our own fucking satellite, okay? | ||
| How do we get it? | ||
| How do we get, like, a Death Squad, like, studio and a warehouse where we can make TV shows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's easy. | |
| Well, I don't want to make a TV show. | ||
| Let's put, why not? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because I'm busy, bitch! | ||
| I'm busy! | ||
| No, joke. | ||
| It just needs to be an umbrella. | ||
| Listen, if I make a TV show, here's my next TV show. | ||
| I'm going to play pool. | ||
| I think it's a great idea. | ||
| It's not boring. | ||
| It's not boring. | ||
| It's not for you, bitch. | ||
| It's not for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
99% of the people. | |
| The other show is, we are very close to sign, I can't say with who, but there's a show that is a, a lot of it is based in the podcast. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Taking text messages? | ||
| No! | ||
| Talking about them live on the air? | ||
| This person said that they got a new phone number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, sorry, I got a new phone number. | |
| And I thought they were lying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But now they're sending me pictures of this. | |
| Is that... | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| Gaddafi? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that Gaddafi? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, so it might be not the person I'm thinking of. | |
| Okay. | ||
| You're getting someone sending you murdered people. | ||
| Wait, what's a new show you're doing? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What's a new TV show you're doing? | ||
| Oh, it's based a lot of it on controversial subjects, and all of it will start off from the podcast, like examining all sorts of different... | ||
| There's no tentative... | ||
| Well, we sort of have a tentative title, but I'm not necessarily happy with it. | ||
| So the idea is, like the way we've done the podcast, where we explore all these different ideas, whether it's shamanism or ghosts or Bigfoot or UFOs or... | ||
| Fringe topics, crop circles, reincarnation, psychics. | ||
| And we're going to talk about it on the podcast. | ||
| I'll have a guy like you or Ari or Duncan or Joey or any comedian come on and we'll say, you know, it's like we'll do it right now. | ||
| What do you think about Bigfoot? | ||
| Do you think that it's possible there could be an undiscovered primate? | ||
| That people have been talking about and reporting for ages. | ||
| And it's somehow another eluded photography except for a few really questionable photos and some really fucking shitty video that looks fake as fuck. | ||
| Put all that aside. | ||
| Put all the hoaxes aside. | ||
| Do you think it's possible? | ||
| I think it's possible. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Why do you think that? | ||
| Because I believe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, I believe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I believe in Loch Ness Monster. | ||
| I believe in Chupacabra. | ||
| You believe you can fly? | ||
| Do I believe I can fly? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do you believe you would let R. Kelly pee on you if you were a 14-year-old girl and you didn't know why you were there in the first place? | ||
| I definitely believe that I have the capability to fly in my body. | ||
| I just haven't figured it out. | ||
| And once we do tap into that, I will be able to fly. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But like Bill Hicks used to say, start on the ground floor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Bill Hicks had a great joke about a young man who, unassied, thought he could fly, left to his death. | ||
| What a tragedy. | ||
| He goes, what an idiot. | ||
| He goes, if you thought he could fly, why did he start off on the ground? | ||
| Don't you feel like that? | ||
| I remember when Star Wars Return of the Jedi came out. | ||
| No, no, Empire Strikes Back came out. | ||
| I remember watching Luke move stuff with his mind. | ||
| And I remember being in the back of my car, trying to do that hard as fuck, like staring at objects going like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get it up. | |
| Trying to make shit fly. | ||
| I swear to God, because I was like, that seems logical. | ||
| Well, there's certain aspects of life that seem so preposterous and unrealistic. | ||
| I mean, static electricity. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| It just hits you. | ||
| Have you seen those Tesla experiments where he was touching electricity and it was like a bolt was flying through this big Tesla coil and it's connected to his arm? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Have you seen any of those photos? | ||
| Did Tesla just come? | ||
| Have you seen the new Tesla fucking car? | ||
| Did you see them all explode when Hurricane Sandy hit the beach in New Jersey? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, there was a whole warehouse that had a dock and they had all these new Karmas. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| The Fisker Karma. | ||
| It wasn't a Tesla. | ||
| Tesla looks badass. | ||
| 50 grand, it looks gorgeous. | ||
| There's quite a few really beautiful electric cars right now, but the Fisker Karma is the one. | ||
| And they had, like, 16 of them, I think, exploded on the docks. | ||
| So they had them on the docks, and the water came up. | ||
| When the water hit these fucking electric docks, they just burst into flames. | ||
| Like Transformers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| They just fucking blew up. | ||
| And everybody was like, oh, oh, okay. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| I don't think they knew that would happen. | ||
| What happens if you drive over fucking standing water? | ||
| What if you drive home from a flood? | ||
| Does your fucking car explode? | ||
| Okay, because I can deal with my car shorting out. | ||
| It's raining and you're just sitting there scared to leave. | ||
| But if I can save like two bucks a gallon but my car explodes when I hit a puddle. | ||
| Is that gonna happen? | ||
| Is that what the fuck is really going on? | ||
| Really, Fischer karma people? | ||
| That Tesla looks bad as shit. | ||
| It was either Motor Trend or Road and Track, Car of the Year. | ||
| One of those big magazines made it the Car of the Year, the Tesla, not the Roadster, but the larger car, something S. It's like a four-door, and apparently it's just a marvel of engineering. | ||
| The real problem is going to be state taxes on roads. | ||
| The roads will go to shit. | ||
| There's a lot of problems. | ||
| Another problem is the fact that everybody wants to pretend that buying some sort of an electric car removes you from the fossil fuel food chain, but it doesn't. | ||
| In fact, it connects you with some even shadier minerals on a really large scale, like lithium ion and all those different minerals. | ||
| A lot of those are conflict minerals. | ||
| They come from the Congo, they come from Afghanistan, they come from like If I was Brian Callan, I'd say, Afghanistan. | ||
| If I was Amber Lyon, I'd say, what was it? | ||
| Bahrain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please, not in the book. | |
| Bahrain. | ||
| Bahrain. | ||
| These minerals that you need to create a lithium-ion battery, by the way, mad love to Brian Callan and mad love to Amber Lyon. | ||
| We're just fucking with you. | ||
| Those minerals that you need to make batteries, they come from really fucking imprisoned and impoverished areas. | ||
| They're conflict minerals. | ||
| Lithium ion is officially like a conflict mineral. | ||
| Like a lot of shit that you need to even make cell phones. | ||
| I think Vice had a guide. | ||
| They did a Vice Guide to Travel episode where Shane Smith went to the Congo. | ||
| I don't know why they're not on Travel Channel. | ||
| I would love to see one of their fucking shows. | ||
| Because it's too deep. | ||
| They go too deep. | ||
| That's the same shit Bourdain does. | ||
| No, they go way further than Bourdain. | ||
| Way further! | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| Where Vice goes to the fucking Congo deep, deep, deep and talks to warlords. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They go looking for dinosaurs. | ||
| Yeah, I'd love to see that. | ||
| I think they can put that on. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| We enjoy watching it on the internet. | ||
| Why can't we travel to anybody alone? | ||
| You're correct. | ||
| However, most people that run these organizations, whether it's a network or cable or whether it was broadcast television, They're very conservative because they're trying to sell advertising space. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| So when a company like Vice comes along and they have a Vice guy... | ||
| And they're literally... | ||
| And they have no respect for any corporation at all because they'll do what the fuck they need to do to make what they think is real. | ||
| And they have videos where Hamilton Morris goes into the jungle and he's taking crazy drugs and lying on his back and... | ||
| I mean, they're not going to sell Tide during those times. | ||
| They're going to have to accept that. | ||
| They're not going to sell Tide! | ||
| But they do! | ||
| See, that's what's really stupid. | ||
| It's like there's this weird sort of game that we play, whereas we pretend that the people that see all the fucked up things that you can find on the internet are not the same people. | ||
| That wash their clothes. | ||
| Yeah, that wash their clothes. | ||
| I wash my clothes. | ||
| Or buy gas or any of the variables. | ||
| Any of the things where you try to target people. | ||
| We're all the same fucking people, man. | ||
| We just have access to different shit now. | ||
| We need to accept that. | ||
| You need to just stop pretending that we're living in some sort of a Catholic school, you know, Sandra Bullock movie view of the world. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's not reality. | ||
| Reality is there's a lot of fucked up shit out there and I can find it now. | ||
| I can find it on the internet. | ||
| It's really easy. | ||
| So you need to sort of adjust your expectations accordingly because there's a lot of evidence. | ||
| A lot of evidence that shows that reality is pretty fucking slippery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of nutty shit out there. | ||
| But that Tesla car looks bad as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it will explode if you hit a bottle. | |
| What a horrible feeling. | ||
| They look dope. | ||
| That's the 426, that one that Brian just put up. | ||
| That's the new Corvette convertible. | ||
| It's got a 505 horsepower. | ||
| The last version of this engine, I think it's called the LS1. I might be wrong, but it's a huge fucking power and torque. | ||
| That's also in the ZR1, the same engine they supercharge it in the ZR1. It produces 648 horsepower. | ||
| For people who talk about muscle cars, this is the greatest era of muscle cars in the history of the fucking world. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the muscle cars that people are creating now actually can... | ||
| They take turns and they actually have good brakes. | ||
| There's a Shelby Mustang they have now that's unbelievable. | ||
| The regular Mustang, they have the 302 Boss Mustang. | ||
| It's like they're moderately powered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It has 440 fucking horsepower. | |
| It's unbelievably powerful. | ||
| Is it the Dodge Challenger? | ||
| Sick! | ||
| It's more of a muscle car though. | ||
| We went to drive Lamborghinis and Ferraris and Porsches on a track for a trip flip and the dudes just wanted to drive the Dodge Challenger. | ||
| They would take you out for a ride and they were like, this is more fun for us to drive. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I have no fucking idea, but they did everything and they do the burnouts where they spin in circles. | ||
| They're like, it's just more fun. | ||
| Like, those things, you know, I think, like, I definitely have driven a ton of those Lamborghini type cars. | ||
| Those things are fun as fuck, but it is a different drive than like, it is really... | ||
| You don't feel as loose maybe as you do in a Dodge Challenger. | ||
| Like in a Dodge Challenger you're fucking sliding and you're feeling it. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well they have a broad sort of you could pick from like a lower horsepower engine to like a really ridiculous engine and those things. | ||
| You could like ramp it up. | ||
| And there's a lot of people take those cars and they ramp them up even more. | ||
| Like Hennessy. | ||
| I know Hennessy makes like a 700 horsepower Challenger. | ||
| I love when you get like those special edition cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What they are though, the muscle cars of old, those things, you couldn't take corners in them. | ||
| These are completely different animals. | ||
| But the Challenger is still like a muscle car. | ||
| Whereas the Camaro has become almost like a sports car because they handle so well. | ||
| It might have been a Camaro they were driving, now that I'm thinking about it. | ||
| But we were taking corners in the Lamborghini at like 90 miles an hour. | ||
| Taking corners. | ||
| Fucking insane. | ||
| Yeah, you can do ridiculous shit with sports cars. | ||
| I flew to Italy for a day to drive a Ferrari down the coast. | ||
| I had to drive a Ferrari. | ||
| I think I texted you about it. | ||
| Yeah, which one did you drive? | ||
| I have no fucking clue. | ||
| But I just drove it down the coast and I had a chase car in front of me and a chase car behind me and they just taped it. | ||
| And I just fucking flew. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| Like those paddle just flying. | ||
| Yeah, those paddle shifters. | ||
| A lot of people are upset about that shit though. | ||
| A lot of people think that a real sports car, you should shift it manually, and that just because it's quicker to shift it with the paddles, you're missing out on part of the experience. | ||
| And I kind of agree, man, because I like shifting my own gears. | ||
| There's something fun about it. | ||
| I do too, but there's so many people that probably have never learned how to do that that can't learn on a Ferrari. | ||
| I'm sure that's just a sales thing, because the paddle shifters are much easier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Way, way easier. | ||
| But it's not as satisfying. | ||
| It's not that it's hard to shift your own gears, but there's something that's like mechanically engaging about putting the clutch in, sliding the shifter forward, letting the clutch out, hitting the gas at the same time. | ||
| Something super sexy when you met a girl that knew how to drive a stick. | ||
| And you were like, yeah. | ||
| Like, yeah, you got a good dad. | ||
| Especially if it was like a fucking Mustang or something crazy. | ||
| This dirty bitch is out there driving a big fat V8. She wants to drive when you go to the movies and you've got to say no. | ||
| And you've got to not let her be on top the first time you fuck either. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| You've got to establish dominance immediately, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| You've got to grab that bitch and let her know the feeling of gravity and the density of the bones in your hips. | ||
| You know what I'm saying, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Hollaback. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh-hoo. | |
| So Bert Kreischer... | ||
| How much time do you spend on the road lately? | ||
| I'm fucking dickloaded. | ||
| I'm on the road every week, I feel like. | ||
| I'm home two days this week. | ||
| I'm gonna take a leak. | ||
| Talk to Brian about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| This is in the podcast. | ||
| It's been four hours. | ||
| Give me just five minutes. | ||
| Just five minutes, Brian. | ||
| I'll tell you a story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Tell me a story, sweetie. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Do you want to hear the story that I had? | ||
| Okay, I'll tell you a good story. | ||
| Let's talk a secret story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's talk a secret story. | |
| This is the reason no one would listen to the Brian and Bert podcast. | ||
| Because I find you funny too often. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I find you funny all the time. | |
| No, no, but I listen to the podcast and when I hear you say things that maybe stop Joe or Dice... | ||
| You said two or three things that made me laugh so hard during the Dice podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm smoking in the studio right now like a bad boy. | |
| What's in that room right there? | ||
| Behind me is just an empty room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of empty rooms here at the studio. | |
| So I'll tell you the story, okay, Ryan? | ||
| All right. | ||
| So I checked into, I did Columbus, and then I did, right after that, I did Kentucky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Checked into the Kentucky Hotel, the hotel in Kentucky. | ||
| And I have four bags. | ||
| I have shirts. | ||
| I have shirts for two weeks. | ||
| So I have four bags. | ||
| Bellman takes my bags. | ||
| I have to let him take them to my room because you know he's going to get a tip. | ||
| We go in the elevator. | ||
| He asks what I do. | ||
| I say I'm a comic. | ||
| We get out, and the second our door opens, another door opens, and it's an older white dude. | ||
| And he walks out like three steps behind us, and he follows me down the hallway three steps behind us, all the way until we get to the end of the hall where my door is. | ||
| And I'm like, is he going to my room? | ||
| Turns out he's in the room directly next to mine. | ||
| So as he goes to open the door and put his key in, I jokingly, in front of this bellman, thinking he'll laugh, I go, hey man, if you want, we can open up that center door and hang out all weekend. | ||
| And the guy now is nervous and he's trying to get his key in and he's like, no, I don't want to do that. | ||
| And I go, well, it could be cool. | ||
| We'll get to know each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, you said this to a guy? | |
| I said this to this guy. | ||
| Why would you say that to a guy? | ||
| Just fucking around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What, having to kiss you or something? | |
| No, just fucking around. | ||
| Why would you ever even bring that up? | ||
| Just fucking around. | ||
| Just fucking around as a comic should do. | ||
| Alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But what if he said yes? | |
| I don't think he will. | ||
| He's an older man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but what if he did? | |
| He's an older man. | ||
| You asking someone for some butt sex? | ||
| Yeah, he wants butt sex. | ||
| I'll tell you the story. | ||
| I checked into the Kentucky Improv or whatever, Louisville. | ||
| And I have four bags with me, and the bellman takes my bags up the elevator for me. | ||
| Is this a gay story? | ||
| No, it's not at all. | ||
| It's super gay. | ||
| It's one of the funnier things I've done in a long time. | ||
| Can we put music through the back of it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And we'll wrap it up with this? | ||
| Is this a strong enough story to close the podcast that way? | ||
| It might be, it might be. | ||
| Okay, pull up Roadkill Ghost Choir Beggar's Guild, and we're going to play that in the background. | ||
| Come on, sweetie, let me design this thing. | ||
| I know what I'm doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trust me. | |
| Oh, did you pull up Miss me? | ||
| No, no, you can't kiss me. | ||
| You've got to stop. | ||
| You know, we're playing that out. | ||
| We already did that today. | ||
| With the Brad Pitt, Steven Dorf thing. | ||
| Roadkill, Ghost Choir, and the song is Beggar's Guild. | ||
| We need to get a Desquad iTunes account, don't we? | ||
| We can just order things online. | ||
| You know what we need? | ||
| Real internet. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| Hi, real internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need to hang out at Desquad more. | |
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| We can do one this week, Sarah. | ||
| We want to do Fridays there? | ||
| We can do Fridays there with Callum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fridays, yeah, because I have an ice house. | |
| Okay, beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Now, Burk Crusher, what were you trying to tell me? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What were you telling me, buddy? | ||
| What were you telling me? | ||
| You were in Don't be ignorant, you Columbus, Ohio fuckneck. | ||
| Columbus, Ohio fuckneck! | ||
| Fuckneck, I just invented it. | ||
| I never heard it myself. | ||
| Probably the wrong song for this, but... | ||
| It's the perfect song for us. | ||
| Tell me what happened. | ||
| A little volume, please. | ||
| Yeah, a little more volume. | ||
| So I check into the Kentucky Improv. | ||
| And a black dude checks in my bags. | ||
| He grabs my bags, puts them on the trailer thing. | ||
| Brings them in the elevator. | ||
| I gotta let him take it to the room. | ||
| He's earned his tip, right? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| So we take him up to my room. | ||
| He says, what do you do? | ||
| I said, I'm a comedian. | ||
| He goes, oh, okay. | ||
| And we don't talk after that. | ||
| Doors open. | ||
| Second order, elevator door open. | ||
| The doors next to us and the elevator next to us open. | ||
| And an older white dude walks out and follows us and he ghosts us. | ||
| Down like... | ||
| The whole hallway. | ||
| Everywhere we go, he follows us. | ||
| He's going wherever the fuck we're going. | ||
| We get all the way down the end of the hallway. | ||
| How far away is he walking behind you? | ||
| Three feet behind us the whole time. | ||
| I would've knocked that motherfucker unconscious. | ||
| It's awkward. | ||
| It's awkward, and we're both noticing it. | ||
| You didn't confront him? | ||
| We're all noticing it. | ||
| So we get to the last door, and I'm thinking, is this guy going to my room? | ||
| I would assume that guy's trying to do something bad to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kissing the butt. | |
| You wouldn't assume there's something really wrong going on? | ||
| That's what I would think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What would you do? | |
| What would the last thing you would do, Joe? | ||
| Listen, here's what happens. | ||
| First of all, when someone is mirroring you like that, they're being very disrespectful. | ||
| Because they're not just following you, they're letting you know they're following you, and they're doing it in a very arrogant way. | ||
| Or they're being flirty. | ||
| Well, here's what happened. | ||
| That could be psychotic. | ||
| Here's what happened. | ||
| What would you do, Jeff? | ||
| Immediately, I would ask them what the fuck is going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch what he does. | |
| It turns out he's in the room next to me. | ||
| So he was going to his room. | ||
| Were you high? | ||
| I was drunk. | ||
| So you were paranoid? | ||
| No, but I was thinking about it. | ||
| Were you scared about life? | ||
| Who were you thinking about? | ||
| I was thinking about the black guy knew I was a comic. | ||
| And I wanted him to know that I knew Kevin Hart. | ||
| Because that's what I thought he would love. | ||
| That was going to save you? | ||
| No, no, hold on. | ||
| And so the old guy goes to open his door. | ||
| And I jokingly... | ||
| Now, I told the black guy I'm a comic, but I haven't done anything funny, so I jokingly look at the old guy and I go, hey, if you want, we can open up that connecting door and we can hang out all weekend. | ||
| It gets better. | ||
| It gets better, Brian. | ||
| So the guy's now can't get his, because now I've panicked him, and he can't get his door open. | ||
| And he goes, no, no, I don't want that to happen. | ||
| And I go, no, it'd be cool, man. | ||
| We'll open it up. | ||
| We'll hang out with, like, the darkness and just talk to each other at night. | ||
| And he can't get his door open. | ||
| And finally gets his door open, and he goes, I don't want that to happen! | ||
| The door opens, and before he can close it, I stick my head in, and I go, hey, man, if you change your mind, knock and scratch. | ||
| So he goes, no! | ||
| And he shuts the door, and he's fucking panicked. | ||
| And I look to the black guy, and the black guy's gone. | ||
| He's in my room. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| So I go, fuck, I did that joke for nothing. | ||
| So I go into the room, and the black guy's putting the bags down. | ||
| And he gets down all the bags, and I go to take... | ||
| You might want to get ready to cue the music, Brian. | ||
| I go to give him a tip, and the black guy looks at me and shakes his head, and he goes, no. | ||
| I said, well, I gotta give you a tip, man. | ||
| He took my bags up here. | ||
| And he goes, no. | ||
| Just knock and scratch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I look at the black guy and go, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I knock and I scratch and the guy in the other room goes, I don't want to fucking hang out, man! | |
| And the black guy falls apart laughing. | ||
| He's on the ground like... | ||
| So the guy in the next room called downstairs? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| The black guy, the guy who I told the joke for in the first place, heard the whole thing, and he goes, no, man, don't do it. | ||
| You got to knock and scratch. | ||
| So I knocked and scratched and the fucking guy's like, I don't want to hang out, man! | ||
| Burt Christy, that's rude. | ||
| Oh, it's fucking the funniest thing I've ever done. | ||
| You're taking a poor guy with a lot of insecurity and you're fucking with his head. | ||
| Funniest thing I've ever done. | ||
| But that's kind of bully-ish. | ||
| You feel bad for that poor dude, scared of dicks in his ass? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So bad. | |
| So bad the whole weekend I kept talking loud as fuck in my room just going, I know he's listening to me. | ||
| Why don't you just knock on the door and say, hey, man, I'm a comedian. | ||
| I'm really sorry. | ||
| It was past that. | ||
| It was past that. | ||
| It was past that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| So you had to just, like, fucking just burn all the evidence. | ||
| I had to fucking blow up the flamethrower. | ||
| You just had to fucking shoot rockets from helicopters. | ||
| Is this the Incredible Hulk music? | ||
| This is the end. | ||
| This is the end. | ||
| I could fucking, I could do this. | ||
| I could do this podcast a whole fucking night. | ||
| My only friend. | ||
| The end. | ||
| Well, thank you very much, Death Squad Ohio. | ||
| You, sir, are a bad motherfucker. | ||
| I had such a great time today, man. | ||
| You're welcome anytime, my friend. | ||
| If there's anything we could do to help you in any way, shape, or form. | ||
| You've done everything you could imagine. | ||
| My vodka coming when it starts. | ||
| Let us know, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| We will launch that bitch. | ||
| Machine Vodka is in motion, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Machine Vodka just became an official sponsor of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. | ||
| They have one year free sponsorship. | ||
| We will talk about Machine Vodka for one year for absolutely zero money. | ||
| And you will buy it all up and Bert Kreisch will have a helicopter. | ||
| And a place on a volcano in Hawaii. | ||
| So I can fly to our Texas compound with the high walls. | ||
| Bert Kreischer's gonna buy Terrence McKenna's house on the Big Island and convert it into a bikini factory. | ||
| Where the hottest girls in the world will make a thousand dollars an hour and they'll make bikinis. | ||
| And Leight Meester will be one of my models. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| With Rachel Ray. | ||
| And Les Miserables will play in the background until everyone becomes a sex slave. | ||
| Zombie. | ||
| Robot. | ||
| This has been a fun fucking afternoon of talking. | ||
| Remote control. | ||
| Yeah, it was beautiful, man. | ||
| This is what we should do all the time. | ||
| We should do this once a week. | ||
| You are the reason I have a podcast. | ||
| I'm a grateful fucking man. | ||
| You're the reason the podcast is successful. | ||
| And Brian, you're how I know how to put a podcast up. | ||
| We are all together in this crazy soup of life, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| I am as happy for you as you are for me. | ||
| I am very happy. | ||
| We are both together, very fortunate, along with Jamie, the new guy, along with Brian Redman. | ||
| Have you said anything, Jamie? | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| He's not ready yet. | ||
| He's not ready? | ||
| He needs to go through an apprenticeship. | ||
| You need to see success and failure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Precious. | |
| And then he eats it raw. | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
| Listen, do's this like puzzles? | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of a commercial-free podcast here at the Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| What can you do to give thanks? | ||
| What can you do? | ||
| Incorporate all the messages of the Bert Kreischer Bert Bert Bert podcast into your life, bitches. | ||
| Burtcast, baby. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| The Burtcast at BurtBurtBurt.com. | ||
| You can find all the information. | ||
| Incorporate those lessons into your life. | ||
| A. Don't be a cunt. | ||
| B. Look in the mirror. | ||
|
unidentified
|
C. Get your shit together, bitches. | |
| Get your shit together. | ||
| We love you, but first, you must love yourself. | ||
| In order for you to love yourself, you must respect yourself. | ||
| In order for you to respect yourself, you need to get your shit together, bitch. | ||
| Give yourself advice. | ||
| Pretend you are an outside and objective observer of your own existence. | ||
| And what kind of advice would you give yourself to get your shit together? | ||
| And why won't you follow that shit yourself? | ||
| Stop pretending! | ||
| You can't bullshit a bullshitter! | ||
| Suck it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Death Squad 2013, bitches! | |
| We're here! | ||
| Fuck a Mayan! | ||
| Praise Odin, son! | ||
| Praise Odin, bitches! | ||
| Odin knows what the fuck is up! | ||
| And go to rogan.ting.com and save 50 bucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God bless. | |
| Jihad! | ||
| God bless. |
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