Dec. 22, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:59:51
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Audible.com. | ||
| This episode is at least once a month, Audible. | ||
| Sometimes twice is a sponsor of this podcast. | ||
| What is Audible? | ||
| Audible.com is a fantastic resource for audiobooks. | ||
| If you go to Audible.com forward slash Joe, that's Audible.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| You can try Audible free for 30 days and get a free audiobook. | ||
| And one of the cool things that Audible has if you're a junkie, if you're into technology like I am, I'm a tech junkie, they have a thing called WhisperSync. | ||
| It works with the Amazon Kindle Fire, and what it does is it's really badass. | ||
| Say if you're reading books on the Kindle, and you read a certain page and you go to sleep, you bookmark it, and then when you get in your car, an audio version of that same book plays. | ||
| Really cool shit. | ||
| So if you do a lot of traveling, if you're stuck commuting, whatever, audible.com is an awesome resource, and they're a cool sponsor. | ||
| It's an excellent company, and you've got some great books. | ||
| The one I'm listening slash reading to, I'm doing both, is Christopher Ryan's Sex at Dawn. | ||
| We're working on getting him here. | ||
| He's going to be in here in January. | ||
| Fascinating dude who wrote a book about primates and sex. | ||
| Very interesting, fascinating shit. | ||
| Speaking of primates and sex, our other sponsor is Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. What does that have to do with primates and sex? | ||
| You're a primate, and Onnit.com will help your sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been using a lot of Onnit products lately. | |
| Onnit.com is going to start selling boner pills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are they really? | |
| Well, we're going to start selling some sort of a testosterone booster. | ||
| There's certain things that actually work for natural testosterone boosting. | ||
| I've been testing all the ones that you can buy at the convenience stores lately, and my new favorite one is the Super Sex Pack or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It comes with one Magnum condom and a pill for men and a pill for women, though. | |
| I've never seen a woman pill, so I took it, and the woman took it, and she said it worked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What would that be that would have women? | |
| Well, that was an episode of Sex and the City, wasn't it? | ||
| Like, they were taking Viagra? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the girls were taking Viagra? | |
| Yeah, I think Viagra works on chicks, too. | ||
| Doesn't it? | ||
| They say so. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| They say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Check it out, though. | |
| It's great. | ||
| It's only $7, and you get two pills and a... | ||
| It's Viagra. | ||
| The crazy thing is, it's Viagra. | ||
| For seven bucks, you could get Viagra. | ||
| You could get the condom. | ||
| You know, it's the weird loopholes that you're buying in as a sex pack at a... | ||
| At a drugstore. | ||
| I just use oysters. | ||
| Does that work? | ||
| Zinc? | ||
| Oh no, I just get a bucket of them and stick my dick. | ||
| How does your dick get in the bucket correctly? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's so fat, it's a perfect fit. | ||
| Wow, imagine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bucket dick. | |
| Bucket full of oysters. | ||
| The only way to get your nut off. | ||
| Sandwich bag. | ||
| The latest products at Onnit.com, we have those Blendtec blenders you can use to make Kale smoothies. | ||
| We got hemp forest protein powder. | ||
| All kinds of good shit. | ||
| These buffalo jerky bars. | ||
| We're basically just trying to sell you the best shit available. | ||
| The best shit for health and fitness. | ||
| All things that Doug Stanhope doesn't give a fuck about. | ||
| That's all we sell. | ||
| Including kettlebells and battle ropes. | ||
| If you use the code name Rogan you can save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Alright Brian. | ||
| Cut to the bullshit. | ||
| Let's get a nice quick commercial in today. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| What are you preparing for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was getting a blade slinger. | |
| Oh, there you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe? | |
| Alright, this thing isn't working. | ||
| You wanna sing the song? | ||
| It doesn't work? | ||
| What's wrong with it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Is the computer frozen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, the sound's just not coming out for some reason. | |
| Oh, but we've got to fix that because I want to play Bill Burr's Chuck Berry, John Lennon thing. | ||
| It's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever heard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| Do we have to restart the computer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think we just have to figure out why this isn't. | ||
| We have a new setup here. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| That's why there's two monkeys behind the boards now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast. | |
| Check it out. | ||
| The Joe Logan experience We're here bitches We're here, alright? | ||
| Fuck the end of the world. | ||
| The shit did not materialize. | ||
| The Mayans are a bust. | ||
| They will go down in history like the Y2K cocksuckers, that May 11th guy, all these assholes that called the end. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You gotta continue suffering, stupid. | ||
| Continue being confused. | ||
| Continue living your life with no answers. | ||
| That is the answer. | ||
| The answer is there's no fucking answer. | ||
| You're supposed to be terrified. | ||
| Yeah, Red Band, when you're back in your seat, search wiki deaths 2012. See who died on... | ||
| 12, 21, 12. For them it was, oh shit, this is right. | ||
| Yeah, for them. | ||
| My chest is seizing up. | ||
| Maybe we were one of those in a parallel continuum. | ||
| And in this life, we somehow or another got through. | ||
| And that's the path we followed. | ||
| But maybe in another life, we all did. | ||
| Maybe it's true. | ||
| Maybe it is. | ||
| Maybe the end of the world did happen. | ||
| But we can't remember it. | ||
| Because we didn't really truly experience it because we moved on to the next... | ||
| And now we don't have to pay our taxes. | ||
| That would be the shit, huh? | ||
| If you woke up one day and all of a sudden the whole tax system and the whole monetary system made sense. | ||
| It's like it had been fixed. | ||
| Oh, it's all fixed now. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Wouldn't that be beautiful? | ||
| Be nice. | ||
| You think with all these smart motherfuckers we have running this world that that would be possible? | ||
| If you let the right people control it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| Sorry, please hold. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Getting out cash? | ||
| Yeah, I gotta pay that guy. | ||
| I shouldn't say that guy. | ||
| He's coming back. | ||
| Oh, don't worry about it. | ||
| We got that. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| We got that. | ||
| Dude, we got a company stack of cash. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| What are you doing, you son of a bitch? | ||
| Well, you're so rich you probably forget that 10 bucks that guy's had a shitload of money. | ||
| Tell him I don't. | ||
| He's a gambling addict and he just ran over here with cigarettes for me so he can play more scratch tickets. | ||
| He's hoping you notice. | ||
| And Stan Hope. | ||
| Good morning! | ||
| That's how you always look at it. | ||
| Last night was awesome. | ||
| That was one of the most fun times I've ever had as a comedian. | ||
| Yeah, I just wish we fucked around with it a little more. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what way? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Like, something goofy. | ||
| Like, we're all together. | ||
| We should be doing something goofy at the end. | ||
| Like, the fucking blue collar guys. | ||
| You know, sit around and tell stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, something that makes it more than just, alright, here's three guys in a row. | |
| Christmas song. | ||
| I didn't... | ||
| But we stood around and took pictures with everybody for hours. | ||
| You were out there forever. | ||
| I purposely didn't stand near you because I didn't want to create that, no, just you, situation. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's ugly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I just worked the lobby. | ||
| You Hefner'd it. | ||
| Well, that's how it usually is. | ||
| We usually have little packets of people. | ||
| Brian will have his little packet of people taking pictures, and Joey will have his. | ||
| But Joey will inevitably disappear. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| I'll be right back, dawg. | ||
| Vanish. | ||
| And he's always got some story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought you were going to meet me in the garage. | |
| Bitch, you were on the fucking highway. | ||
| Joey's the best vanisher ever. | ||
| Because he'd just have this look in his eyes. | ||
| He goes, okay, it's over. | ||
| Hedberg was the best. | ||
| He would disappear from a closed room. | ||
| A sealed room. | ||
| And somehow Hedberg's gone. | ||
| I remember we were in St. Cloud once. | ||
| We... | ||
| Did a one-nighter and then we went to the bar. | ||
| We go to the 24-hour restaurant. | ||
| I go, you get a booth. | ||
| It's like 2 in the morning. | ||
| And I said, you get a booth and I'm just going to use a pay phone. | ||
| This is how long ago it was. | ||
| And I call this girl that I had met. | ||
| And he goes, okay. | ||
| And he goes in. | ||
| I look all over the restaurant. | ||
| I go, assume he's in the men's room. | ||
| I get a menu. | ||
| I'm sitting there waiting. | ||
| He had left because he thought, oh, you said you were calling a girl, man. | ||
| I don't want to be a third wheel. | ||
| Well, you could have said so. | ||
| I was sitting around in a fucking restaurant for an hour waiting. | ||
| Well, he was probably just psyched. | ||
| It was like a perfect opportunity to go do Smack. | ||
| No, this is the pre-Smack Day. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| If we're doing a one-nighter in St. Cloud together. | ||
| When did the Smack Day start? | ||
| The first time you ever mentioned it to me was, you knew by his act. | ||
| He'd have his jokes and then the asides. | ||
| So he goes, you ever have something that's good but then you do something better and it ruins a good thing? | ||
| Like you like to smoke pot and then someone sprinkles some heroin in your pot and regular pot's no good anymore? | ||
| So I knew he didn't just write that. | ||
| See, that's why I want smoked pot with strangers. | ||
| Some creepy asshole sprinkle some heroin in it because you think he's being goofy. | ||
| And then boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. | |
| Have you ever had anything like addiction? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Definitely, I've never even touched anything that I heard was addictive. | ||
| I mean, alcohol's addictive, but it seems to be addictive for certain people only. | ||
| You know, for me, it's not at all. | ||
| But I've seen people that, you know, one drink and they're gone. | ||
| They just, the switch goes off and they're fucked. | ||
| But that seems to be very, very variable. | ||
| But, like... | ||
| Heroin, never thought about it. | ||
| Coke, never thought about anything. | ||
| Amphetamines, all that shit never appealed to me. | ||
| But, I mean, anything where you go, ah, shit, I couldn't live without it. | ||
| Like, sugar? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, staples of life, water and food. | ||
| Other than that, I could live without almost everything, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I think that's a weird connection that people have to certain things, whether it's sugar or coffee or cigarettes or... | ||
| There's these weird connections that people have. | ||
| They seek normalcy in repetitive things and reoccurring themes in their life, and they just get connected to it. | ||
| There's people that'll lose their fucking mind if a bar they go to closes down. | ||
| They'll lose their fucking mind like it's the end of the world. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| The bar's going under. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I still lived here, I'd be like that about the coaching horses. | |
| It was so sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Classic. | |
| That place is fucking classic. | ||
| That place was in a vortex, too. | ||
| That's the place where Cowan was out in the front of the Coaching Horses and he ran into an ex-girlfriend that he had who had turned into a streetwalker. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was deep. | ||
| That was fucking deep. | ||
| I had that happen, uh, oh god, what was his name? | ||
| It was Josh something. | ||
| He was a comic. | ||
| and he was playing Vegas and it's like 5 or 6 in the morning now and there's a hooker at the bar And she says, do you want me to go up to your room and dance? | ||
| And he says, well, what are you going to do? | ||
| I mean, are you going to dance? | ||
| I'm not paying you that much money to dance. | ||
| And she goes, well, are you a cop? | ||
| And he goes, no, I'm a comic. | ||
| She goes, really? | ||
| Do you know Doug Stanhope? | ||
| It was a girl, an old friend of mine's ex-wife, who I ended up banging after they broke up once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was horrible, and now she's a hooker. | |
| Wow. | ||
| I was reading a story about a woman who was an Olympian. | ||
| She was a two-time Olympian, I think, for track and field. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she was 40 years old and she just decided to become a hooker. | ||
| Susie Favor Hamilton. | ||
| Is that her name? | ||
| Yeah, that's her name. | ||
| She's a gold medal. | ||
| I guess she was a big deal in the 2000 Olympics and now she's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a hooker. | |
| She was a hooker. | ||
| She was, yeah. | ||
| Apparently, I think they're trying to say that it's antidepressants that turned her into a hooker. | ||
| She blamed depression. | ||
| I don't know if she blamed the actual medication. | ||
| I think she was saying that people were blaming Zoloft. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| O-F-L-O-T. You ever hear that song from Ween, Zoloft, the song? | ||
| No. | ||
| It sounds like you're on Zoloft when you're listening to it. | ||
| What does Zoloft feel like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like very dreamy and nephoric, I think, if I remember. | |
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I mean, if you put it up your butt. | ||
| Well, isn't that the thing about it is it's supposed to get, it's supposed to, like, relieve you of any of the worries of life? | ||
| Like, it takes all that shit away? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I got really anxious. | ||
| I wasn't prescribed it, but my dad was. | ||
| And when he died, I started taking him, and I just got vague anxiety. | ||
| It gives you an anxiety. | ||
| If you don't need a medication, you don't know what it... | ||
| Yeah, she took Zoloft, and once she started taking Zoloft, that allowed her to pursue... | ||
| So Zoloft is the new Spanish fly! | ||
| Well, you know, that was the thing with McAfee in Belize. | ||
| What he was supposedly doing, he claims that it was all a ruse, and that it was all like, he's a prankster, and he wasn't really cooking up bath salts, and he didn't really have a forum name, even though he had a forum name, it wasn't even his name. | ||
| It was like, I forget the... | ||
| Stuffmonger, something like that was the forum name. | ||
| So it wasn't like he was John McAfee reporting a lie from Belize. | ||
| He was just some dude. | ||
| Wrote incredibly detailed articles on extractions of MDPV, which apparently... | ||
| Makes people super-duper sexual. | ||
| I read some stuff after I talked to you. | ||
| I haven't listened to the podcast with him yet, but I read a couple of articles talking about him. | ||
| Did you get those? | ||
| I sent you links, right? | ||
| Did I send you links? | ||
| Yeah, you sent me links, but I haven't had time yet. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, it's really a hilarious, hilarious story. | ||
| But this MDPV apparently just makes you want to scratch your dick off. | ||
| It makes you just completely like... | ||
| Just a little, just a crazed, rabid fuck monkey. | ||
| Apparently it's just, it's a constant thing while you're on it. | ||
| Even if you're not horny anymore, you're like rubbing your dick raw. | ||
| Like, I don't get it. | ||
| Well, yeah, no, I've done that with a lot of, uh... | ||
| A lot of drugs that do that to you? | ||
| Stimulants, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that. | ||
| I've heard, like, with some people, like, smoke and crack. | ||
| Like, my friend Johnny, who had a crack problem, used to say, I just like to smoke crack and go beat off. | ||
| This was back in the day when they had peep shows. | ||
| Like, he would go to, uh, this was like Times Square, like, when it was really Times Square. | ||
| And he would go down to the peat booths when he was smoking crack. | ||
| And he would just stay in one of those things and keep putting dollars, feeding dollars in the thing, and smoking crack. | ||
| And he would beat off, and the girl would finger herself in front of him and shit. | ||
| I used to do that all the time in my youth. | ||
| It's very dark. | ||
| Not the crack smoking, but yeah, go to smud shops and jerk off. | ||
| The one Sex World in Minneapolis would have the live girls in the booth and you'd go in there. | ||
| What do you do to them? | ||
| You ask them to do stuff for you? | ||
| They're sitting there on a bed of dildos and they'll do whatever you like. | ||
| I went to the Lusty Lady in Seattle once with Dave Fulton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We did a gig and we went to just goofing off. | |
| Alright, let's go in here and goof off and then I'll sneak into a booth and jerk off. | ||
| And we ran into James Inman. | ||
| Just randomly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Inman! | |
| That's funny. | ||
| He's not from Minneapolis, right? | ||
| Where's he from? | ||
| Is he Kansas City? | ||
| That was Seattle. | ||
| But he's back in Kansas City now. | ||
| He's a fucking insane person. | ||
| Kansas City's a fun town. | ||
| I haven't been in that place in a long time. | ||
| I've got to get back there. | ||
| That's a fun place. | ||
| Yeah, I had a lot of fun there. | ||
| I think that's where I get herpes. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| There's some weird chick that look like Uma Thurman. | ||
| Yeah, those are going to give you herpes. | ||
| Extra long toes, you freak bitch. | ||
| Just doing with your extra long toes and your herpes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Extra long toes. | |
| Yeah, people from Kansas City is like a humble town. | ||
| They can't really brag too much. | ||
| It's Kansas City. | ||
| It's not New York. | ||
| It's not Chicago. | ||
| There's no debate anymore. | ||
| It's just Kansas City. | ||
| It's all good. | ||
| You can kind of judge a town by their sports fans. | ||
| Yeah, they have shitty teams, but they still support them. | ||
| Like Chicago and the Bears, right? | ||
| Or Chicago and the White Sox for the longest time. | ||
| Yeah, but they've had some winning teams. | ||
| They're kind of dicks. | ||
| But Green Bay, for years of futility, but that stadium was sold out every time and they're the happiest, nicest people. | ||
| You're not going to get a lot of stories out of Green Bay. | ||
| You're not going to get herpes in Green Bay. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that a funny thing about the Midwest? | ||
| Like how fucking nice a lot of the people are there? | ||
| I mean, obviously it's a generalization, but I think the overall tone of the people just seems to be really fucking nice. | ||
| Yeah, Minnesota, Wisconsin. | ||
| You're going to get your douchebags everywhere. | ||
| People will tell you about somewhere being nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I went there and some guy punched me in the fucking face and... | |
| Look, that can happen anyway. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably you. | ||
| Could be you, and that shit can happen anywhere. | ||
| You can always run into random people. | ||
| You can't judge a town based on one or two incidences that you have. | ||
| But your overall sense, like when you're in places like Wisconsin, they're fucking nice as shit, man. | ||
| They're super nice. | ||
| Everywhere you go, people are really reasonable, down-to-earth, easy to talk to. | ||
| Yeah, it's better. | ||
| It's better than being in New York and being all fucking pleased with yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I'm a New Yorker. | ||
| I'm a New Yorker, you know? | ||
| Nothing fazes me. | ||
| I'm a New Yorker. | ||
| That is one of the grossest statements ever. | ||
| That I'm a New Yorker, I've seen it all, I'm a New Yorker, nothing fazes me. | ||
| Shut it. | ||
| Yeah, Hurricane Sandy, there was a lot of schadenfreude in that. | ||
| I haven't had power for two weeks! | ||
| This is New York! | ||
| It's the greatest city in the world! | ||
| We should have power! | ||
| No. | ||
| It doesn't work that way, stupid. | ||
| It's just another fucking city. | ||
| It just so happens that it's a really famous one. | ||
| But all the rules of cities apply. | ||
| And when cities get fucking drowned in water, it takes a long time to turn shit back on and dry everything off. | ||
| Crazy fucks. | ||
| That place is going to go. | ||
| If that happens again and again and again, which it very well could... | ||
| We had this guy who was talking about climate change. | ||
| Was it Shane Smith that was telling us this? | ||
| I think it was Shane Smith, because he's usually pretty doom and gloom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In my backpack, can you get me a stir in the front pack? | |
| He was telling us that these 100-year storms, like Sandy, they're going to happen three times a year. | ||
| That's the reality of climate change. | ||
| Three times a year, you're going to have Hurricane Sandys. | ||
| Fuck the East Coast. | ||
| I'm in the desert, baby. | ||
| You're in a good spot. | ||
| You'll probably be tropical in the next hundred years. | ||
| You'll probably be in a fucking rainforest. | ||
| Yeah, when I'm 145, I don't think that day is coming. | ||
| It's going to be really hot. | ||
| You never know, man. | ||
| They might find some plant in the Amazon that keeps you alive forever. | ||
| And then, next thing you know, global warming, overpopulation. | ||
| Bisbee is the shit. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| How often do you take jaunts into Mexico? | ||
| Almost never, no. | ||
| But it's seven miles away, right? | ||
| Yeah, but the town on the other side is like nothing there. | ||
| The only reason you ever go over to that town is to get prescription drugs. | ||
| And they don't have a... | ||
| They have Xanax. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yeah, if I needed Xanax or Viagra, that would be the reason I went to... | ||
| And I have a script for it now, so... | ||
| Now, when you do that and you go over there and you get it, how hard is it to bring it back? | ||
| You can bring up to... | ||
| They'll allow you to bring up to 30 pills... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And sometimes they'll give you shit. | ||
| Like, you know you need a prescription for this, and you go, oh, I have one. | ||
| And one time I brought my prescription bottle, which had expired, and I go, yeah, I get it right here. | ||
| And he goes, this is expired. | ||
| You know you have, but I know their policy is 30 pills of any type of pill. | ||
| You can buy five different types of pills, but as long as there's no more than 30, they'll let you go. | ||
| So the guy's trying to give me attitude, but I know that... | ||
| I go, so are you saying I can't take these across? | ||
| I didn't say that! | ||
| But normally you don't have any problems, but I have a prescription now and I don't take them often enough that I have to go get the fake refill across the border. | ||
| Yeah, the unnecessary asshole security slash cop guy, that is a really unfortunate aspect of our society. | ||
| The unnecessary asshole. | ||
| When you're just like, we could just talk. | ||
| Everything could be fine. | ||
| You know, you could just tell me what I can and can't do by the rules. | ||
| Well, that's the society we live in. | ||
| Look at, like, Kitchen Nightmares or Bar Rescue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, if you want to help the guy fix his restaurant or bar, you could just do it normally, but no one's going to watch. | ||
| So you have to be a fucking dildo. | ||
| You've got to be Radom. | ||
| You have to be Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just to get people to watch, because otherwise, who'd care? | ||
| Yeah, isn't that funny? | ||
| What a weird aspect of society. | ||
| The douchebag that thinks he's allowed to be a douchebag because he's being real or it's a part of the job or fucking toughen up or this is America. | ||
| We have to keep you safe. | ||
| I need to know what you're bringing across. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have rules. | |
| Those Xanax could kill babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If a baby ate all of those Xanax. | |
| Fucking Officer Cunty McFuckface. | ||
| Douchebags! | ||
| But not all of them. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Some of them are cool. | ||
| Is the clanking of my ice just in my head? | ||
| No, it's beautiful. | ||
| Sounds beautiful. | ||
| Sounds romantic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's no carrot. | |
| Let's you know. | ||
| Yeah, Brian had a podcast. | ||
| Some chick insisted on eating carrots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eliza Schlesinger. | |
| Oh, nothing makes me more enraged than mouse sounds. | ||
| While she had a little dog with her. | ||
| A little dog in her lap eating carrots. | ||
| Like, okay, bitch. | ||
| Somebody needs to fuck you proper. | ||
| Set you straight. | ||
| Not that I really believe that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, I think last night's buzz is hitting back in now. | |
| I feel pretty fucked up right now. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| Last night was fun, man. | ||
| That whole show, first of all, it was an interesting twist. | ||
| Having Honey Honey, having a band open for us, it made the whole thing feel like a totally different Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So that worked well? | |
| I know most times when you mix music with comedy, it always seems to be annoying. | ||
| Yeah, but you know something that we were talking about last night? | ||
| Me and Eddie were... | ||
| Some shows and some crowds That might be the case. | ||
| You might not mix to have music with Kani. | ||
| I've traveled with a couple of guys. | ||
| Mishka Shabali, who I fucking love, and he's a solo at Guitar, and a lot of songs have fit my crowd. | ||
| Drinking, you know, hardcore... | ||
| Yeah, like Bukowski-esque songs. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And the Matoid, who's just this weird guy from Finland that was really crazy, but it didn't work touring. | ||
| Like, all right, one night, last night was perfect because it was a hyped show. | ||
| Everyone's there. | ||
| They know what's going on. | ||
| They know that it's going to be music and comedy. | ||
| But when we were touring, you'd show up in whatever fuckville, Tennessee, and they're like, that guy's not funny. | ||
| He's not supposed to be funny. | ||
| It's music. | ||
| Yeah, some people. | ||
| It hasn't been promoted enough that you know what to expect. | ||
| Yeah, as long as it's good. | ||
| I mean, some people are just so fucking tight-minded. | ||
| They're so closed-minded when it comes to what they want to see and what they don't want to see. | ||
| But it's what they're trained to expect. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So when Mishka would have songs that are vaguely funny, then they think he's supposed to be Henry Phillips, and they're like, well, he's not supposed to. | ||
| If he happens to be funny in the song, that's part of it. | ||
| But it's not his job. | ||
| But you're the only one you trust to go out and tell the audience. | ||
| And as the headliner, you can't open up and go, okay, I'm going to open the show and then close the show later on, but I have to explain to you fucking nitwits what's about to happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the crowds that we attract, though, that doesn't seem to be a problem at all. | ||
| Last night, obviously, was a hype show, and it was sort of a big event. | ||
| So I don't know if it's indicative of how to work every time, but it would seem to be so smooth. | ||
| Yeah, a theater show is different than the shit I was doing, where you're playing some goofy rock and roll bars out of a van. | ||
| Yeah, there's good things and bad things about theater shows. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| We did a show Thursday night at the Improv. | ||
| And these people came up to me and they said this is the first time they had seen me in a comedy club. | ||
| They saw me in Austin, they saw me somewhere else. | ||
| I've only seen you in these big places. | ||
| The guy was like, it's way better in a small place. | ||
| Oh, it's all right. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| If the money were all the same, I'd do 75 seaters. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 75, you think? | ||
| A fucking Velveeta room in Austin. | ||
| I would love... | ||
| Is that 70? | ||
| I think it's 65, 70 people. | ||
| But it's so closed and intimate. | ||
| You feel like the life of the party rather than a paid dancing monkey. | ||
| The other side of it is there's something crazy about doing... | ||
| It's a different sort of a show. | ||
| But when you do a crowd like last night, where it's, whatever it is, 2,000 screaming fucking people throwing bananas, there's something about that, too. | ||
| I felt so removed. | ||
| You couldn't see anyone. | ||
| Even leaning in, it was hard to see a face. | ||
| It's certainly a different experience. | ||
| The big theaters are a way different experience. | ||
| In the UK we were doing all theatres, most of them we had no business playing. | ||
| We're not going to sell out a 2000 seater in Sunderland, England, but someone thought it was a great idea. | ||
| But a few of them, like Wolverhampton, still my favorite city in the UK. Go Wolverhampton Wolves. | ||
| Yes, that's my team, just because the show is so great. | ||
| It was like a small Beatles thing getting from the back door into the van, where they're slapping on the side of the van afterwards. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wolverhampton? | ||
| Wolverhampton. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And we knew it was going to be great because everyone goes, oh, you're going to Wolverhampton? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, good luck there! | |
| That's going to be our place. | ||
| If you hate it, we like it. | ||
| Isn't it funny like that? | ||
| Fucking Detroit is always great shows. | ||
| It's got such a bad rep, but they're fucking greatest fans. | ||
| There's one thing, though, that people do. | ||
| There's something they love about being in a giant group of people experiencing the same thing at the same time. | ||
| If you go to see a band, I've seen bands in intimate settings, and it's pretty badass, but I've also seen them in front of thousands of people, and there's something crazy electric about that. | ||
| It's good to have them both. | ||
| It's good to have big, giant, crazy crowds, but it's also good to just show up someplace and do a 1 a.m. | ||
| spot at the store. | ||
| Well, it's nice when you can go out afterwards and take a lot of pictures, but you spent probably twice as long taking pictures as you did on stage. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| When you said we're going out front, I'm like, you're fucking kidding me. | ||
| You're going to go shake 1,700 hands? | ||
| I don't even know what the... | ||
| I figure if they want to wait in line and they paid to see me, I'll hang out. | ||
| Yeah, I never thought to do the make a line situation. | ||
| I just go out in absolute chaos after a show, even if it's like 300 people. | ||
| So it's everyone like, can I get a picture this way? | ||
| I don't know what camera I'm looking at. | ||
| Well, that was how I always did it. | ||
| But Live Nation just took over. | ||
| And started making lines. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Because I would just go out. | ||
| And they would go, okay, are you going to go out and do that again? | ||
| And then I'd go, yeah, probably. | ||
| And they're like, okay, can we set up a line? | ||
| And I said, okay, go ahead, set up a line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they usually have that one guy that knows how to use every single phone camera. | |
| He's like, yeah, I know this. | ||
| Yeah, I know this. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem is people in their fucking droids. | ||
| They have no idea how to use their... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it didn't... | |
| But what's the... | ||
| You give a droid to someone who's never used a droid and they look at that shit and like, what the fuck? | ||
| Which one's the can? | ||
| Because they can't have the exact same icons in the exact same place. | ||
| So, like, the camera button's bigger and it's on the left-hand side. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Where's the flash? | ||
| You know flash here? | ||
| I still do that just trying to dial my phone. | ||
| Like, which one? | ||
| Contacts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or logs? | |
| Somebody got there a droid. | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Droid. | |
| That's the big screen one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Great for online, man. | ||
| No, I think he's got a... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Which one is that? | ||
| The Razor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was the biggest one. | |
| That's the S3. And I still, like, that's the biggest one I could get. | ||
| And I only get it because I was forced into a world where I have to text. | ||
| And it's still not big enough for my thumbs. | ||
| There's a typo in every fucking word because my thumbs are fat. | ||
| How long have you been doing it? | ||
| I've had this, like, About a year? | ||
| See, you're so behind the curve. | ||
| A little over a year. | ||
| Brian and I have been typing on those fucking things for years and years and years. | ||
| So we're like... | ||
| We just get used to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it while you're driving in a rainstorm. | |
| No, no. | ||
| I don't fuck with my phone while I'm driving. | ||
| And you should be there, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I forget that's a law here. | ||
| Yeah, it should be a law. | ||
| Don't fucking text while you're driving. | ||
| Oh, no, not texting. | ||
| Just talking on the phone. | ||
| Even that. | ||
| These fucking people cover half their face. | ||
| Get a little plug. | ||
| Stick it in your ear, stupid. | ||
| These people are ridiculous. | ||
| They're holding their left hand up to their car window and driving, and they literally can't see the whole left side. | ||
| I believe it's been proven that it's not the actual holding the phone that causes the accident. | ||
| It's because you're paying attention to the conversation, so the fucking earpiece, it's all bullshit. | ||
| It is, but you are in a disadvantage if you can only hold the steering wheel with one hand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If that's the only way you can do it. | ||
| And if you're holding the phone up to your ear, you have to throw the phone down and grab it. | ||
| That takes too much time. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| It's not safe. | ||
| And it's one thing you're holding a drink. | ||
| If I'm holding a coffee and I see an accident, I'll let that fucking coffee go. | ||
| You're not going to throw your phone down and grab the stand. | ||
| That's why I walk everywhere. | ||
| My analogy made no sense. | ||
| Maybe you wouldn't drop your coffee either. | ||
| You'd probably just crash. | ||
| My analogy didn't make any sense at all. | ||
| Probably easier to drop your phone than your coffee. | ||
| Scientific studies with Doug and Joe. | ||
| We'll be back after. | ||
| We're going to go start an accident with coffee and a phone. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| And someone out there do this because I have all these great ideas that are going to die in my brain. | ||
| But someone go out and take an 80-year-old sober guy On a course, an obstacle, not obstacle course, but a driving course, and put them next to a spry 25-year-old, twice the legal driving limit. | ||
| And see who drives better in a controlled... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good idea. | ||
| I'd love that. | ||
| That YouTube clip would get a lot of fucking hits and a lot of controversy. | ||
| There's a real problem with us allowing old people to continue to drive, like, well, well, well into dementia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, because there's no one who gets in there and stops them. | ||
| I mean, how many times have we heard about that Santa Monica one when that dude hit the gas and ran over all those people, and another one happened recently where a guy knocked some people over. | ||
| We called the cops, which, like, it killed me to have to call the cops on a drunk driver. | ||
| But we were following someone from Bisbee to Tucson on a two-lane. | ||
| Over the line and then into the breakdown lane, over the line. | ||
| And I go, if I don't call the cops and this person swerves into oncoming traffic, how much of a dick am I going to feel like? | ||
| So I called the cops and they didn't get there before. | ||
| There's a border checkpoint we have to go through to get from our house to the Tucson airport. | ||
| And when we got to the... | ||
| Checkpoint. | ||
| It was like an 89-year-old woman. | ||
| Just a hunchback most elderly woman. | ||
| So she wasn't even drunk? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was just fucking old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| It was terrifying. | ||
| And was she in one of those really old cars? | ||
| It's like real loose? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She had a normal car. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Old cars? | ||
| Have you ever tried to drive like a really old, like shitty fucking Oldsmobile? | ||
| You remember the one I bought at the van show? | ||
| That was terrifying. | ||
| I had to go to Fresno to pick it up. | ||
| It was a 1980 Dodge Aspen that had the roof cut off and painted lime green with a big white racing stripe. | ||
| I bought this on purpose to fuck with Rogan because he had just got this $120,000 Porsche. | ||
| So I parked it right next. | ||
| We had parking spaces side-by-side on the Man Show lot. | ||
| So I bought the biggest piece of shit I could find on eBay, the loudest, ugliest, stupidest car, and had the prop department make up a bumper sticker that said, I'm with Rogan with an arrow towards your car. | ||
| And I still have that bumper sticker on my refrigerator now. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| But it was terrifying. | ||
| The speed limit should go by the quality of your vehicle. | ||
| It shouldn't just be a blanket thing. | ||
| Abso-fucking-lutely. | ||
| Yeah, there's old cars with drum brakes and shit. | ||
| Those things are really sketchy. | ||
| You know who has one? | ||
| Bill Burr. | ||
| Bill Burr has a really old Ford, I think it's a Ford, pickup truck. | ||
| Like a 1950-something pickup truck where it's a manual transmission where you shift it on the stalk. | ||
| You know, it's like, so you're pulling a lever that's attached to the steering wheel? | ||
| It's craziness! | ||
| And he loves it. | ||
| The joy and sparkle in his eyes. | ||
| You know, it's like, I go, no navigation system? | ||
| Fucking no navigation system. | ||
| No nothing. | ||
| He's like, it does everything. | ||
| The radio works. | ||
| It's just this old engine. | ||
| He's like, you can work on it. | ||
| Look at it, you open it up. | ||
| I can work on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like... | |
| Fucking Bill Burr. | ||
| Just talking to him. | ||
| Just about whatever. | ||
| I don't even remember what we were talking about. | ||
| But right before I went on stage and just everyone in the green room is just dying laughing. | ||
| And he's just talking casually about whatever. | ||
| And then I'm like, I've got to go on stage after this. | ||
| And nothing in my act is as funny as just him kibitzing. | ||
| Yeah, he's such an awesome dude, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He, like, didn't want to hang. | ||
| He's like, oh, I don't want to, you know... | ||
| Bingo went out and got him. | ||
| Yeah, he's so silly. | ||
| Like, he was leaving and he... | ||
| I don't want to impose. | ||
| Like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Come hang out with us, man. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| What, you want us to be completely overrun by industry and no one fun in the green room? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a weird green room. | ||
| And Doug and I were talking about this. | ||
| I think we talked about this before the podcast started. | ||
| We didn't know fucking half the people in there. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It's like all these industry people. | ||
| I thought they were all your people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz talked me out of even going. | |
| He's like, dog, you don't want to go down there. | ||
| And I thought it was like, alright, there's some creepy sex shit going on. | ||
| Well, Stanhope scared off most of them from the after party by bringing in strangers. | ||
| Stanhope just went out and grabbed some strangers. | ||
| They had this giant spread of food that you know is going to go straight in the trash. | ||
| Jeff Wills assured me it goes to the homeless people. | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| I'm sure that's what you're thinking about while you're counting the beans at the end of the night is, oh, make sure the cold cuts get to the homeless. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just drop them off in the corner of Skid Row. | ||
| Flop. | ||
| Yeah, and there's three cases of beer, and it's just... | ||
| Us in the industry, so I've just got people out of your line. | ||
| I go, he'll be down here eventually. | ||
| Come drink free beer. | ||
| So Stan Hill grabbed a bunch of people, brought him down to the after party and smoked out all the industry people. | ||
| Eventually, like, I'm uncomfortable here. | ||
| Trying to talk about my pending deals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me flee. | |
| Fuck him. | ||
| Really, I didn't know most of the people that were back there. | ||
| It was like my manager and my agent and there's like a bunch of fucking strangers. | ||
| Wait, who's your manager? | ||
| That was Chandra. | ||
| That was my manager's co-manager. | ||
| Who's the cleaner? | ||
| Sussman? | ||
| Sussman, that's his name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| I was talking to the guys from Impractical Jokers. | ||
| I don't know if you've seen it. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's like a prank show on TruTV which is a fucking awful network. | ||
| It's the only good thing on the network. | ||
| But it's like, it's genuinely funny. | ||
| They're four friends and they just, they prank, they pull pranks on people, but the idea is to, oh, we're going to make our friend go do this. | ||
| And then they, like, so it's really the prank is, they're fucking with each other. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| A soft, genuinely funny prank. | ||
| And I was talking to them because they have some problems with the network that make the man show look fucking like we owned it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, you got to get a guy like fucking Rogan's guy. | ||
| We called him the cleaner. | ||
| I couldn't think of his name. | ||
| Sussman. | ||
| Yeah, you need someone to call. | ||
| Like the network telling them what to do on their off time. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They tell them what to do on their off time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like what? | ||
| Like they were going to do a gig in Iowa. | ||
| They had like five shows booked in Iowa just on their own. | ||
| Couldn't let them use the Impractical Joker's name. | ||
| Then they told them they couldn't even do the gig because they wanted them to be focused on the show even though they're not taping. | ||
| It was like crazy. | ||
| Do you remember when we first sat down to do the Man Show, one of their first ideas was that we film the beginning of it in Iraq. | ||
| That would go over and do the man show in Iraq. | ||
| Oh, I don't remember that. | ||
| And I go, are you- Oh, that was their idea? | ||
| That was Stone Stanley's idea. | ||
| And I go, are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| I go, you want to go to a war zone and have girls jump up and down on trampolines. | ||
| And I go, what are you doing? | ||
| Are you endorsing this invasion of this country that makes no fucking sense, that's supposed to be connected to 9-11 but isn't really in any way, shape, or form? | ||
| Is that what we're doing? | ||
| And they sat there and looked at me like they didn't know what to say. | ||
| I go, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| That was like the beginning of the end with those guys. | ||
| I do remember when we were going to get O.J. Simpson on to do an Andy Rooney spot at the end of every show. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And just announce him as Heisman Trophy winner, O.J. Simpson, and then he just bitches about ATM fees or something? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Man, I paid my money. | ||
| You're getting money from me anyway. | ||
| But Stone Stanley had some connection to them where he's like, no, that's no possible way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Off the table. | ||
| You know, that should have never happened. | ||
| We fucked up, man. | ||
| That was an interesting lesson, but what happened was, first of all, if anybody does the history of the show, I was doing Fear Factor at the same time, so my time was very limited. | ||
| I was fucked. | ||
| And the other thing was, they kind of bullshitted us. | ||
| They told me, when they were setting it up for me, they were like, listen, you can do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Like, if you guys get sued, that would be good for us. | ||
| It'd be good publicity. | ||
| I go, what about nudity? | ||
| Can we blur it out? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Nudity will blur it out. | ||
| Swears? | ||
| We'll just beep it out. | ||
| Do whatever the fuck you want to do. | ||
| Is Stone Stanley the production company, not the network? | ||
| No. | ||
| Stone Stanley literally said to me... | ||
| If we get sued, it would be great. | ||
| It would be great publicity. | ||
| I was like, this is perfect. | ||
| And then I'm saying, you do it with Stanhope? | ||
| And then yes, if Stanhope's what you want, I go, the only way I'm doing it is with Stanhope. | ||
| Okay, good, we're in. | ||
| And then once we got in, oh my god, it was just, they lied to us. | ||
| It was like the network had these really silly ideas. | ||
| It was so complicated. | ||
| Compartmentalized that you have, you know, the network saying one thing, then you have the Stone Stanley saying another thing, and then there's the lawyers, and then there's standards and practices, so you couldn't get a cohesive answer. | ||
| One person might be genuinely saying, yeah, you can do whatever you want. | ||
| Hang on, Dunce Hellberg, our lawyer, says you can't do that. | ||
| But it was the idea that the most... | ||
| The thing that I didn't expect the most was these people who aren't funny in any way, shape, or form telling you what is and isn't funny and telling you sketches that are and aren't funny. | ||
| And you're like, what are you even saying? | ||
| When did you become an expert on what's funny? | ||
| You have no idea what it would take to put something down, write it down on paper, conceptualize it in a way that the audience is going to absorb it, go on stage and kill. | ||
| You don't understand what that is. | ||
| I know what that is. | ||
| That's my job. | ||
| That's your job. | ||
| I don't want to talk too much about the impractical Joker story. | ||
| I don't know how much I'm talking out of school. | ||
| The fucking head of the network, Mark Juris, this douche, will make them fucking write out possible improv things they might say under these circumstances. | ||
| Okay, we approve the gag, so what jokes might you say to someone? | ||
| And then he'll approve things that might or might not be said. | ||
| So he improves possible improvs? | ||
| They guys are like fucking almost in tears on the phone and go, I don't know how to do this. | ||
| I go, I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| See, that is someone who's a douchebag, who doesn't understand the creative process in any way, shape, or form. | ||
| If you're out there and you work with someone creative, there's one way, only one way you can get the most out of that person. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Leave them alone. | ||
| Let them come up with their own shit. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's the only way it's going to work. | ||
| If you start meddling, you're not going to make it better. | ||
| You're not. | ||
| You're not going to fucking straighten out the plot lines. | ||
| You're not. | ||
| You're not. | ||
| If they're funny, they're going to figure out how to do it. | ||
| If they work on it hard, if they care about it, they'll make it good. | ||
| If they can't, they suck. | ||
| And you're not going to fix that. | ||
| You're not going to fix suck, and you're not going to make funny funnier. | ||
| You're just not. | ||
| Yeah, me and Bill were talking about that. | ||
| We're getting to a level where, you know what, I can just do stand-up. | ||
| I don't need to be on TV. I can make enough money now as a stand-up where fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like that with everything except the UFC. The UFC, they're like a family to me, like Dana. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not a gig where they go, okay, you have to do this and this and this. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, it's the easiest gig of all time for me, because I'm this fanatical fan. | ||
| But as far as anything else, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I've been offered movies before, and I'm like, eh, I don't want to do that. | ||
| What, am I going to go to New Orleans for a month? | ||
| The fuck am I going to go? | ||
| Yeah, set a trailer. | ||
| Yeah, I have no desire. | ||
| If the level of fame that I had two years ago was all I could ever get to, I'm good with that. | ||
| I'm not even famous. | ||
| I'm uncomfortable with the amount of fame I have. | ||
| Well, you're unquestionably famous. | ||
| But I mean, walk down the street famous. | ||
| That's better, because you're famous amongst stand-up comedy fans. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I'm perfect. | ||
| There's an elite group of human beings that are in this one category that I consider funny, and there's not that many of them. | ||
| It's really kind of amazing if you stop and think about it. | ||
| If you think about how many people are actually on the planet... | ||
| Hang on, I just got a text. | ||
| I just want to make sure it wasn't Q listening from Impractical Jokers going, you're gonna get us fired, man! | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| True TV pays my mortgage, man! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What else is on True TV? All the fakest shows in the world. | |
| Fakest shit hardcore pawn is completely fucking fake set up. | ||
| Mystery diners was one they would run it where they'd watch a bad employee. | ||
| It's like slap you in the face insultingly. | ||
| Poorly staged. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They'll have a bad employee, and we think he's stealing, and now we have video for him. | ||
| We set up hidden cameras, and we see him stealing things. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We watched one where the guy, oh, him and his friends are carrying a keg out the back. | ||
| Well, when they're going out the door from the inside shot, the keg is not tapped, but on the other side of the door, the keg is tapped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Ha! | ||
| So we called up, and we go, yeah, I need to talk to that employee, Jed, whatever the guy's name was. | ||
| Yeah, we saw the show, I think, because he was serving underage people. | ||
| And we go, yeah, I think he served my underage daughter, and I'm going to take legal action. | ||
| And the fucking manager had to tell me outright, no, that show's completely staged. | ||
| Yeah, no, those are hired actors. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Do you remember... | ||
| Bingo, can I get another one of these? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Of course you can. | ||
| Thank you, my love. | ||
| Do you remember Governors on Long Island? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There was a dude who worked at Governors. | ||
| He was a wicked cool guy who was a doorman who also doubled. | ||
| They would fly him out and he would do various talk shows. | ||
| They had a deal where they would call him up and they'd go, hey, we're looking for a guy who is in love and is having an affair with his brother's wife. | ||
| And he'd be like, what the fuck do you know? | ||
| I am in love and having an affair with my brother's wife. | ||
| And he would just fly down. | ||
| That's what I did with Jerry Springer. | ||
| You did it? | ||
| I did that too? | ||
| Springer, when it first started, like, yeah. | ||
| I did Springer, and then while I was there, the fucking... | ||
| Uh, producer guy, just fucking crazy guy. | ||
| I actually got sued by him later on. | ||
| Uh, he said, uh, he goes, okay, we're going over the script. | ||
| It's me and two strippers that are pretending to be strippers, probably. | ||
| And, uh, we're going over the, you know, rehearsing. | ||
| They flew me out for free. | ||
| It was like 1998 or something. | ||
| And, uh, He said, and by the way, don't talk to anyone in the hotel because 2020 is investigating us, or Dateline, and so if anyone comes up to you, and it was such a dick that the next morning I called my agent, I go, get me a number for 2020. And then it turned into this whole, like, spy versus spy where I'm leaving the outline snuck out under my door so 2020 can come grab it and copy it and then put it back while I'm in the other room rehearsing. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it was a whole... | ||
| The story's on my website somewhere in the archives. | ||
| Whatever happened to that really fucking funny show you did for Fox, that hidden camera show where you cooked a cat, where you brought a cat to a... | ||
| Was that... | ||
| I was trying to mail my... | ||
| Yeah, my ex-girlfriend says she wants your cat back, so I went to, like, mailing mailboxes, etc., to mail what looked like a dead cat in tinfoil. | ||
| Did they mail it for you? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It was a montage of different places. | ||
| That show was fine. | ||
| I don't think anyone mailed it. | ||
| That was in the 90s, right? | ||
| We filmed it in 99 and it didn't air until 2001. They just shelved it. | ||
| But then they pulled it out as a summer replacement. | ||
| It was after 9-11 because they changed it from attack of the hidden cameras to invasion of the hidden cameras. | ||
| Because they thought attack... | ||
| Oh God. | ||
| Oh God, I hate everybody. | ||
| I fucking love Hidden Camera and none of it's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Except for that's why I love Impractical Jokers. | ||
| It's finally like after years of punk and you just want to leap through the TV and slap that fucking Ashton Kutcher in his cunt mouth. | ||
| Right in the cunt mouth, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We set up a fake valet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What idiot is just going to give their keys to a random stranger? | |
| Really? | ||
| You don't valet park your fucking car, Ashton Kutcher, you smarmy cunt. | ||
| Smarmy cunt. | ||
| And they were just so poor. | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| Candid Camera. | ||
| I want to get box sets of old Candid Camera because this shit makes me fucking cry laughing. | ||
| Yeah, Candid Camera was pretty fucking bad. | ||
| What is the deal with Hidden Camera though? | ||
| There's certain rules that exist now that I don't think existed before. | ||
| It was reasonable expectation of privacy. | ||
| Oh, I gotta fucking tell you a story off the air. | ||
| I have the injunction in my backpack of why I can't tell you on the air. | ||
| I got a story off the air. | ||
| Do you remember the fake Dr. Phil that we had for the man show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That guy was fucking brilliant. | ||
| That was some funny shit. | ||
| He had an earpiece. | ||
| He just looked like Dr. Phil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I mean, he was a brilliant impression of Dr. Phil. | |
| Those women really thought it was Dr. Phil. | ||
| But that was fucking awesome, dude. | ||
| That was like one of my favorite things we did. | ||
| That and when you stole the old man show midget. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you romanced him. | ||
| Yeah, Arturo. | ||
| Oh, that was beautiful too. | ||
| I get the master tapes. | ||
| I want to put them on eBay. | ||
| Because they won't release our... | ||
| Our show ever. | ||
| Is that the case? | ||
| They won't release it? | ||
| No, they would have. | ||
| They've released every other one on box set DVDs. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I just want to eBay the tapes for charity. | ||
| That's not a bad idea. | ||
| You'd probably get sued, though. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because somebody probably owns it if they ever wanted to sell it as a DVD. Why'd they give me the fucking tapes? | ||
| They probably fucked up. | ||
| They didn't think you'd go crazy and go on eBay. | ||
| They didn't understand what eBay was, probably. | ||
| They probably didn't have eBay back then. | ||
| I don't need another court problem right now. | ||
| Yeah, don't do it. | ||
| Me and Andy are flying to Florida for Christmas. | ||
| That's how we realized we'll be spending our Christmases, in court in Florida. | ||
| In court in Florida? | ||
| Yeah, we fly on Christmas Day. | ||
| Again, can't talk about it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, is this that thing that you were talking about before? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, someone's upset? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shouldn't have been fucking kids, pal. | |
| That's how it goes, right? | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| I don't even know what we're talking about. | ||
| I'm just making things up, folks. | ||
| If this in any way coincidentally relates to the actual events of the case, it's strictly... | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| After we're out of court, we'll be able to talk. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So after we're out of court, you could go... | ||
| Yeah, we're good. | ||
| So it could become part of your act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
20 minutes. | |
| That's a problem. | ||
| Well, that's the problem when you have... | ||
| A great story, but it's with another comic, and it's pretty much his story. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, here's what you've got to do with that guy. | ||
| Don't fucking lay it out for him and say it in the perfect joke form. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He'll have his own take. | ||
| But he's been making jokes about it for years. | ||
| Let's get off because this is annoying the audience. | ||
| Not only that, we're already probably tripping on some fucking legal issues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can consult with Jay Moore, though, if you need help with that. | |
| Wah, wah. | ||
| Speaking of fucking hilarious, I sent Doug this thing, and there's a video of Bill Burr talking about Yoko Ono and John Lennon, and it is one of the fucking funniest things I've ever seen. | ||
| Oh, you got a keyed up? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We're going to show it. | ||
| Because it's so perfect. | ||
| It was when John Lennon... | ||
| Had a chance to perform on a television show with Chuck Berry, and he brought Yoko Ono with him, and Bill Burr just breaks it down. | ||
| It's one of the fun... | ||
| You have to see it visually, folks, too, if you're listening to this on iTunes. | ||
| Do yourself a favor and just YouTube Bill Burr Yoko Ono and find the clip and watch it, because the look on Chuck Berry's face is fucking priceless. | ||
| I mean, it's priceless. | ||
| Chuck Berry... | ||
| Yoko Ono. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this the video? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I totally agree with them. | ||
| I think they're the greatest band of all time. | ||
| But I have to be honest with you. | ||
| John Lennon and Paul McCartney redefined Pussy Whipped. | ||
| You have to watch this fucking video. | ||
| It's... | ||
| John Lennon is singing with Chuck Berry. | ||
| Chuck Berry is probably one of the main reasons why John Lennon ever picked up a guitar. | ||
| Now he's on TV. He gets to play with his idol. | ||
| They're playing Chuck Berry's hit Memphis. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| John Lennon's got Yoko in his fucking band. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're in the middle of singing this song on television. | |
| And they're killing it. | ||
| It's going great. | ||
| Yoko's playing some stupid fucking drum. | ||
| And even though she has no fucking talent whatsoever, he's putting her in the fucking band just so she'll shut the fuck up and stop nagging him because he's too much of a fucking pussy to tell her that she has no talent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright? | |
| The only reason why you're here, Yoko, is because you're sucking my dick. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| No, you can't play the bongos. | ||
| But anyway, she's up there playing the bongos, right? | ||
| So John Lennon, Chuck Berry, two of the greats of all time, harmonizing, singing this hit from the 1950s. | ||
| That's what this moment's about. | ||
| And Yoko, in the middle of it, can't handle that she's not getting any shine. | ||
| She takes the fucking microphone out of the stand, starts playing the bongo, and as they're singing, you know, go, go, Johnny, go, whatever, she picks up the mic and I swear to God goes, some fucking crazy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you see Chuck Berry's eyes. | |
| Fucking open as wide as they are and it's that fucking look. | ||
| Dude, you ever have like a buddy of yours and he's dating some fucking psycho but he's in love with her so you can't fucking say anything and you're just sitting there waiting for the fucking lightning bolt to hit your friend in the head where he finally realizes that he's dating a psycho cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chuck Berry had that look on his face. | |
| Dude, I'm not even exaggerating. | ||
| That's what the fuck she did. | ||
| And Chuck Berry's like, what the fuck? | ||
| And it's kind of like, John, that's your woman. | ||
| Get her in line. | ||
| And John Lennon does not even fucking... | ||
| He doesn't even blink. | ||
| He just keeps playing. | ||
| And then she does it again later on in that song. | ||
| And then you look at all the other musicians and they just keep playing the song like Yoko isn't even fucking there. | ||
| And I actually get infuriated when I watch this video. | ||
| The fact that John didn't just stop playing in that moment. | ||
| And what he should have done was dressed her down right there. | ||
| You say, fine, you want to have a fucking moment? | ||
| This is your moment. | ||
| If you ever fucking do that again... | ||
| I will slap you so fucking hard in the head, your eyes are gonna look like mine. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| You play that fucking bongo and you shut your face. | ||
| You look like that bitch who crawled out of the fucking well in ring. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| I don't even know why I'm fucking you. | ||
| I could be fucking anybody. | ||
| You can't play the bongos. | ||
| You can't sing. | ||
| Shut your fucking face. | ||
| And then he just walks back up to the mic and just counts the band back in. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Isn't that what the fuck you should have done? | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Bingo's here. | ||
| here I told Rogue and I go anytime we get into a really strong riff together I'm gonna have Bingo lean into the mic and just go. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's a I went to a Yoko Ono art exhibit in Massachusetts once. | ||
| When I was living in Boston, they had something set up somewhere. | ||
| It was the most ridiculous shit. | ||
| I didn't know what to expect. | ||
| I was going there hoping that there would be something funny. | ||
| And I go there, and one of the art pieces was a block of wood with some nails in it, and there was a box of nails and a hammer. | ||
| That was the piece of art. | ||
| And she said that she was encouraging people to participate and they should pick up a nail and put it into the block of wood. | ||
| And that was the art. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This reminds me of when you went to the wine tasting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What kind of super pussy did she have that kept him around? | ||
| What was going on there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Asian. | |
| Is that what it was? | ||
| I mean, was he just... | ||
| She's not even like hot Asian. | ||
| And it's hard to be not hot and Asian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's difficult. | ||
| She was gross. | ||
| She was weird. | ||
| It was a strange fucking, it's almost like she hypnotized him or something, you know? | ||
| Yeah, sometimes when you do hardcore hallucinogens with someone, maybe you see something in them that no one else can see, even if it's not really there. | ||
| Maybe it was, this bitch is not going anywhere. | ||
| Maybe it was one of those. | ||
| It was like, look, I need to make sure you're going to be around for a long time, you know? | ||
| Can we bank on this, you know? | ||
| I don't know, John. | ||
| I'm like the wind. | ||
| I go where my conscience takes me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've stayed with chicks because I thought there was another level to them that I'm not finding yet. | ||
| And you go, no, you're just a fucking empty shell of a human being. | ||
| It's not like you're not giving me more. | ||
| You're not secret. | ||
| So you were hoping there was more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You were just deluding yourself. | ||
| You take that initial infatuation and you're like, oh... | ||
| I'm convinced that there's something more that you're not giving me. | ||
| I expect more from my heroes. | ||
| I just do. | ||
| It makes me sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You mean like firemen and shit? | |
| No, like John Lennon. | ||
| I expect more. | ||
| I thought you meant me. | ||
| No, not you. | ||
| No, I mean, I'm very happy with that. | ||
| I thought you were saying that I let you down by staying with women that were fucking subpar. | ||
| No, you did an awesome job with everything so far. | ||
| My issues with John Lennon and Yoko Ono and the fucking block of wood with nails in it. | ||
| I remember just standing there, sitting there like, what kind of bullshit is this? | ||
| How is this art? | ||
| It's a box of nails and a fucking hammer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| No chance. | ||
| Is that Dick Cavett? | ||
| Powerful Dick Cavett. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little Esther. | |
| I don't understand the fucking words she's saying. | ||
| We are water. | ||
| She's got a lot of money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She needs to get her teeth fixed. | |
| I wonder if she just starts going I love that though. | ||
| I love... | ||
| Because I have horrible teeth, so I love seeing... | ||
| Back then, actors that have great teeth now had these fucking horrible, wrecked fucking mouths in the 60s and 70s. | ||
| Yeah, I miss that. | ||
| I love being in the UK. I can be ugly as shit, and I can be on TV. Like Jeremy Clarkson? | ||
| I don't know who that is. | ||
| The guy from Top Gear? | ||
| You never watch that show, Top Gear? | ||
| Oh, yeah, but is he the fatter, bigger one? | ||
| The big guy. | ||
| Yeah, I don't remember his mouth, but... | ||
| He's a funny fucking dude. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| He's funny, man. | ||
| He's very funny. | ||
| You don't give a fuck about cars, but the show's not really about cars. | ||
| Well, in the UK, you don't have the choice of giving a fuck, because they only have like nine channels, and you're stuck in a hotel all day, and you don't want to go out because there's nothing to eat. | ||
| And the fucking beers are overpriced and everyone's surly in the pub, so you watch TV. I watch music videos over there. | ||
| Someone is a little on the negative side today. | ||
| Do you feel this? | ||
| You ever heard the song Down With The Trumpets by Rizzle Kicks? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's a fucking... | ||
| I like it now. | ||
| Because I hated it so much and I watched the video so many times over five weeks in London that it became like... | ||
| Why do you torture yourself with those long tours like that? | ||
| Like five weeks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, in the States, this year we went back old school and just put me and two other comics and Chaley, my road manager, and Bingo in a van and just went town to town. | ||
| And we had a fucking blast. | ||
| I heard the dude who's opening for you, who opened for you at the comedy store. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| Junior Stopka. | ||
| Oh, he's my new fucking guy. | ||
| Does he have anything online? | ||
| It's nothing quality. | ||
| There's no quality footage, but Junior Stopka. | ||
| S-T-O-P-K-A. Fucking wicked funny. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
O-P-K-A P-K-A I like that. | |
| Dude, I like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The internet. | |
| That's alright. | ||
| That was pretty good, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called Rizzle Kicks, Down With The Trumpets. | |
| And that became an obsession with you while you were living? | ||
| Yeah, the video bothered me, the kids bothered me. | ||
| Do you know the rules to snooker? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I didn't get that deep. | ||
| I didn't watch darts either. | ||
| I've watched an hour and a half of snooker. | ||
| I did get into football over there. | ||
| You mean soccer? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I have bits that I wrote over there and I still have to, when I'm doing them over here, stop myself from saying football and say soccer. | ||
| You know, those buzzwords? | ||
| It's like saying nigger over there if you call it soccer. | ||
| You'll get worse reaction from saying soccer about football on stage in the UK than any racial slur. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Soccer, huh? | ||
| It's fucking football, you fucking... | ||
| Whoa, whoa, easy. | ||
| That's all they have. | ||
| It's a smarter football, really. | ||
| Those guys don't get as much brain damage. | ||
| But the problem with American football, man, is those fucking helmets, apparently. | ||
| It's what everybody says. | ||
| If they took off the helmets, they wouldn't be slamming heads at each other. | ||
| Yeah, that's why when they say rugby is so much harder than football, no, they don't have a false sense of security like football players do. | ||
| Yeah, you're jarring your melon like that. | ||
| That's not good, even if your skull is protected from cracking. | ||
| It's the soft innards that are the issue. | ||
| Just the impact alone. | ||
| It's a weird sort of a thing, though, to tell people that you would be safer. | ||
| You know, you would actually be safer if you had a leather helmet on. | ||
| People don't want to hear that kind of shit. | ||
| That kind of weird logic, like, it would actually be better if drugs were legal. | ||
| People wouldn't do drugs. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| The fuck are you saying? | ||
| If all drugs were legal, less people would be doing drugs. | ||
| I've never had more fun driving a car than when I was 16 and didn't have a license and my brother's girlfriend was going to let me drive a car illegally. | ||
| And now, I wish I had that thrill of sitting in traffic. | ||
| I shouldn't be doing this! | ||
| Do you remember the thrill of just piloting a car at all? | ||
| Just moving it around and turning and stopping? | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| But when it was illegal, it was the most fun. | ||
| I don't have a license. | ||
| I'm driving illegally. | ||
| We realized my stepmother's Toyota Corolla wagon would turn on with a butter knife. | ||
| Like the key. | ||
| You didn't even need a key. | ||
| And they'd go out of town and we'd be driving all over. | ||
| A butter knife? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just anything that would fit in that would turn like a screwdriver. | ||
| How the fuck did someone figure that out? | ||
| My brother was trying to figure out how to hotwire a car and realized they didn't need to. | ||
| Well, that was the thing. | ||
| They would break off on some cars. | ||
| They would break off the part where the key goes in and just stick a screwdriver in and just turn it on. | ||
| Like instantly. | ||
| It took like five seconds. | ||
| Didn't even have to do that. | ||
| There were some shit designs of cars, I guess. | ||
| Some of them, they fucking... | ||
| Now the push-button ones. | ||
| Now it's probably a pain in the dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you want to really try to steal a car. | ||
| I get a push-button one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love the push-button. | |
| Oh, it's beautiful. | ||
| Keep the key in your pocket. | ||
| Just get in there. | ||
| You don't have to think about shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, if you live in Bisbee, you can keep the key right in the car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Probably shouldn't have said that. | ||
| What if random illegal aliens sneaking across the border by your fluorescent orange fucking house? | ||
| That's why you have insurance. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Yeah, fuck them. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at you. | |
| You don't give a shit. | ||
| That's gangster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you heard of gunjing before, Joe? | |
| It's a calculated risk. | ||
| Gunjing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gunjing. | |
| Do you know what gunjing is? | ||
| No, is that that fat Korean guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| It's when you take a dead lady and you and your friend, you suck on her pussy, and the other guy jumps on her stomach. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Just shut the fuck up. | ||
| Go to the hospital. | ||
| But I do remember on the man show, everything's censored, but they had no idea all the new... | ||
| Cleveland steamer. | ||
| So we'd throw all those in. | ||
| Because they have no idea what a dirty Sanchez is. | ||
| So just any vulgarity. | ||
| A dirty Sanchez. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some girl told me that. | |
| Yeah, well, you probably did it last night with your story. | ||
| Are you not allowed to say that anymore? | ||
| Can you say Cleveland steamer on TV? But as long as you just keep making up, through memes, new ways, new obscenities, you can just keep saying stuff because they'll never know. | ||
| It's so disappointing that the cuss word thing hasn't been worked out yet. | ||
| Just that alone deflates all your faith in humanity. | ||
| Just the idea that you've created the... | ||
| You've made a word dirty and now you can't say it. | ||
| Now it's over forever. | ||
| And you never get those words back. | ||
| Cunt never makes... | ||
| Just like, you know, see it on... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Desperate Housewives or any kind of show. | ||
| She's a cunt. | ||
| But there is the idea that if it were completely okay to say it, then we kind of lose because then you don't have any expletive when you really want to deliver a thought. | ||
| You're a fucking cunt. | ||
| And if cunt was an okay word to say, then what are you going to say to make someone upset when you want to hurt their feelings? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eh. | |
| Call him a fucking dummy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wouldn't miss it. | |
| If cunt lost its impact, I'd be fine with dummy or fuckface or stupid head. | ||
| That actually makes it easier. | ||
| Then you'd have to go after them aesthetically. | ||
| You're unpleasing to the eye. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, just their personality sucks a fat dick. | ||
| You're boring. | ||
| You could never insult me more. | ||
| You're boring. | ||
| Oh, that's my biggest fear. | ||
| You tapped into it. | ||
| Shouldn't have said that either. | ||
| There was a dude once, I'll never forget this, I was watching one of those Jenny Jones shows, and there was a girl, and she was on with her mother, and her mother was upset because the girl was dressing trashy, and the girl was like, I don't give a fuck, like a beep, whatever, and your mother beep, say, you know, I know I look good, I know I look good, and some guy got up, and he goes, The problem is it's all about your personality. | ||
| He goes, if you had some pizazz, maybe you would pull that off. | ||
| But your personality sucks. | ||
| And that make you look nasty. | ||
| I'll never forget him saying that. | ||
| He goes, your personality sucks. | ||
| And that made you look nasty. | ||
| And the place just fell out. | ||
| Because it's like black people have a certain way of saying things. | ||
| And they say things and they know how to phrase it that they know at the end of that sentence, everyone around them is going to go, OH SHIT! Oh, shit! | ||
| Because when he did it, it was like an actor. | ||
| He was in a movie. | ||
| He had the perfect line. | ||
| He practiced it for weeks. | ||
| Because your personality sucks. | ||
| And that made you look nasty. | ||
| And when he said nasty, he knew it was coming. | ||
| He knew it was coming. | ||
| Everybody behind him was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole crowd just went nuts. | |
| And that girl was like, damn. | ||
| This motherfucker just dressed me down and called me out. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I played my first black room the other day, Doug. | |
| It was a casino. | ||
| I was the only white comic. | ||
| I thought it was going to be a regular black club, but it was a bingo and a slot place. | ||
| It was just 60-year-olds and up, for the most part, in those little crickets or whatever, the little wheelchairs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, you know, I'm a dirty fucking comic. | |
| The MC was like, don't worry. | ||
| They love dirty material. | ||
| I'm like, And the whole thing got broadcast throughout the whole casino, so everyone in the casino could hear it. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| And so the first person comes up and she's taking questions like, have you ever met Will Smith or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're just talking about it. | |
| And then they're like, oh, and here's Brian Redband. | ||
| I come out and start talking and doing pussy jokes and cum jokes. | ||
| Man, that was the most horrible fucking set I've ever done in my life. | ||
| They didn't laugh at all? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was little pockets where you could tell there was one or two people that were getting it. | |
| Or at least enjoying the discomfort of the rest. | ||
| Much more likely. | ||
| Yeah, the staff told me they loved it. | ||
| They said they were cracking their ass off, but that was probably because they were laughing at me having to do all this in front of it. | ||
| And how did the old people, did anybody yell at you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, actually no one just said anything. | |
| One of the ladies in the crickets or whatever they're called did leave and I don't know where she went. | ||
| Me and Becker played a bus once in our early days, in the early 90s. | ||
| In Minnesota there was a bus that would take people from Minneapolis to the Indian Casino like an hour and a half away. | ||
| They'd hire a comedian. | ||
| Did you just walk up and down the aisle with a cordless mic? | ||
| No. | ||
| And we dared each other. | ||
| We were both going to do it one time, and I was up first, and the bus, we see the people getting on, and they're elderly, not just old. | ||
| They're elderly. | ||
| And I'm like, even if I did clean material, it has no reference to them. | ||
| They wouldn't even understand what Columbia House Record and Tape Club is. | ||
| So I go, you have to do this. | ||
| I can't do this. | ||
| And I'm in a sheer panic. | ||
| Flop sweats just thinking about watching them go on the bus. | ||
| And he's like, no, you're going first. | ||
| Becker's a ball buster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's you! | |
| It's your turn! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good luck, buddy! | |
| And I get on, and they give me the mic, and I look at Becker. | ||
| He's sitting in the stairwell of the bus, and I go, all right, I'm stealing your act. | ||
| Here, count. | ||
| I go, count. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll give you a dollar for every one of the jokes of yours I use, and I did Becker's act. | |
| I used to sell doorbells door to door. | ||
| I ring the doorbell, they answer the door and go, oh, next house. | ||
| Fitzsimmons and I got a gig once when we were hired by a company. | ||
| They wanted comedians to just walk around this aquarium and make funny things and talk to people and be funny. | ||
| And we were like, well, what's the parameters? | ||
| Like, what should we do? | ||
| Like, well, you know, just be funny. | ||
| Go around and be funny. | ||
| So, Greg, this was in Greg's young, angry days. | ||
| Oh, they're still here. | ||
| I did his podcast a few weeks ago, and he was about to get into a fistfight with the owner of the place he rents his studio from. | ||
| Really? | ||
| As he's coming in, I'm like, hi! | ||
| And he's like, fuck you! | ||
| Yeah, you want to fucking go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll fuck you! | |
| What? | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons? | ||
| And then walks right past me and goes, hey, like he didn't even recognize me. | ||
| He's just, I'm boiling mad. | ||
| Like, you don't see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| That's crazy sauce. | ||
| But anyway, back to his earlier angry days. | ||
| He just, there was like, it was the opening of this aquarium or opening of an exhibit, I guess. | ||
| And so they had like food out there and people were walking around plates. | ||
| And Greg would just walk up to people and take food off their plates and eat it right in front of them. | ||
| That was what he thought was funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so nice. | |
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He was trying to be funny. | ||
| He was trying to push the envelope. | ||
| He was trying to get a guy to go, what the fuck, man? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| But he did it to this guy. | ||
| This guy was so defeated. | ||
| The guy goes, you're an asshole. | ||
| And he did it like that. | ||
| You're an asshole. | ||
| And he just walked away. | ||
| And I go, hey man, you can't be taking food from people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he into bondage? | |
| He goes, I'm just trying to joke around. | ||
| I thought it would be fun to joke around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he into bondage? | |
| Does he like to be spanked and tight and stuff? | ||
| That's Duncan. | ||
| That's Duncan. | ||
| Duncan's into ballgags and shit. | ||
| He goes, I'm not into it! | ||
| I've experienced it! | ||
| I'm not into it, man! | ||
| Stop saying I'm into it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is not me! | |
| I love it. | ||
| And then he told me that one time he said, I was joking, man. | ||
| You didn't know I was joking. | ||
| I'm like, dude, no you weren't. | ||
| About like ball gags and shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wearing diapers and stuff. | |
| Well, maybe. | ||
| Yeah, I'd draw the line. | ||
| I'm into that stuff too, but I'd draw the line at diapers. | ||
| Yeah, that seems a little silly. | ||
| That seems unnecessary too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta try it, Brian. | |
| Trust me, man. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Hey, everybody. | ||
| I'm wearing a diaper. | ||
| Duncan is another place on the spectrum that you wouldn't have known existed if it wasn't for Duncan. | ||
| You know, you wouldn't have known there's a Duncan Trussell out there. | ||
| I fucking love Duncan. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You know, he just had a cancer surgery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| How did that go? | ||
| He said he feels better than he's ever felt before. | ||
| He goes, turns out, having cancer makes you feel like shit. | ||
| They cut the cancer out, and now he feels great. | ||
| He had one of his nuts removed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, is it okay? | |
| Somebody told me it was infected or something. | ||
| He said he's shooting the biggest, most giant loads he's ever had in his life. | ||
| He said his dick is hard, like high school-style boners. | ||
| Apparently, his whole body was fucked because one of his balls had shut down, and it was going funky on him. | ||
| This was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I just went through a ball thing right when that happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A ball thing? | |
| Yeah, I did this crazy flight to get diamond status. | ||
| And I didn't know if it was flight related. | ||
| I flew from Tucson to Johannesburg to Amsterdam to Vegas back home through Salt Lake. | ||
| And just to get 23,000 miles in 72 hours. | ||
| And what happened to your balls? | ||
| On the last flight, I just started getting this fucking wicked ball paint in my left nut. | ||
| And then, by the second day, I could get it, it was okay, but if I got up to stand up, it would just almost floor me, like tears in my eyes. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Like someone twisting the fucking back, that back cord on your neck. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I don't go to doctors unless it's necessary, but I did tweet about it. | ||
| That's how I get my medical advice. | ||
| I go on Twitter and go, hey, my ball really hurts. | ||
| Did you pull your groin? | ||
| The doctor that's always on O&A. Dr. Oz? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, no. | ||
| No, Dr. Steve. | ||
| Dr. Steve, yeah. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Dr. Oz. | ||
| So he walked me through. | ||
| I thought you said Oprah. | ||
| It's almost definitely this. | ||
| So I had a friend who brought over some antibiotics that had been sitting in their cupboard. | ||
| So what did he say was almost definite? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| Epidemic. | ||
| It begins with an E. And it ends with an ITS. So you never went to a doctor? | ||
| You just talked to Dr. Steve? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I talked to Dr. Steve and found a lady in town that had some... | ||
| Some meds? | ||
| Stashed antibiotics. | ||
| I didn't take the full run, but... | ||
| We have to do that! | ||
| You're gonna cause AIDS. You're gonna cause super AIDS. Do you know the whole deal? | ||
| You know. | ||
| You're not dumb. | ||
| You know the whole deal behind that, right? | ||
| Like the antibiotics, the reason why you have to take the full dose? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you create stronger strains of bacteria to the point where they can't be treated. | ||
| That's where MRSA comes from. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's in my balls, and I don't really fuck anymore, so I figure it's safe. | ||
| You say that, but it can get out. | ||
| They can creep out of your underwear in the middle of the night, crawl down near your ankles, and then fucking jump free when they're close to the ground. | ||
| You're walking through tall grass, like, it's time to make our move! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a heartburn commercial. | |
| Jump off and then they jump on a baby. | ||
| It's still living on my jockstrap because I said, well, make sure you're wearing something supportive. | ||
| I was wearing a jockstrap that I'm still wearing and haven't washed. | ||
| This is two and a half weeks later. | ||
| But when it was in full bloom, I couldn't push a piss. | ||
| I'd piss, but when I get to the end part. | ||
| So, yeah, I am wearing a filthy... | ||
| To this day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| In this chair. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| To keep my balls close to them. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| You're scared to let them go? | ||
| Yeah, my balls hang so badly. | ||
| Do they hang bad? | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Get some underwear just one size too tight. | ||
| I did that, but I still am wearing the jock strap just to be safe. | ||
| And you don't wash this thing? | ||
| I haven't because I didn't want to be without it for a laundry cycle. | ||
| You need to go to a doctor. | ||
| It's like my teddy bear now. | ||
| You need to go to Duncan's doctor. | ||
| It's like my pig pen blanket that I won't give up. | ||
| It's your gawky. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe you should just buy more of them, though. | |
| Like, who's that guy that... | ||
| Yeah, I should. | ||
| I should do a lot of things. | ||
| I should listen to the fucking McAfee Rogan podcast. | ||
| I've been busy. | ||
| I've been dealing with fucking legal briefs. | ||
| Yeah, is this because you... | ||
| Well, you can't say. | ||
| Yeah, I'll talk, but after. | ||
| After, after. | ||
| Yeah, we'll have to discuss this because the whole thing is pretty fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is wicked fucking funny to hear it. | |
| You're not involved, you don't do any more of that trolling for pedophile shit that you used to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Baiting.org? | ||
| No, but it's mentioned in the legal brief. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah, I'll show you. | ||
| Oh, this is like standard characteristics of Mr. Standover. | ||
| But in the end, as long as you can talk about it on stage, it's so worth it. | ||
| Whatever you have to pay. | ||
| There's footage that we need to get released. | ||
| It's on tape. | ||
| It's fucking complete Chris Hansen caught on tape. | ||
| Wow, that's hilarious. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Okay, we can't talk about this. | ||
| We're wasting our fucking time. | ||
| Yeah, do something you haven't planned. | ||
| I have to piss really, really bad. | ||
| Okay, you go ahead and piss really, really bad. | ||
| Go to break. | ||
| We're going to talk about school shootings. | ||
| We're going to cheer everybody up. | ||
| Go down first door on the right-hand side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, you know... | |
| No, it's just like a skull. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's these tests to do, like MDMA, Molly. | |
| You could test the purity of it. | ||
| And I forget what it was. | ||
| It was like, if it turns blue, it's pretty good. | ||
| It's pretty pure. | ||
| If it turns purple, it's amazing. | ||
| If it starts smoking, it's almost 100% pure MDMA. So the stuff I did last night was smoking, and this rich billionaire guy who parties every day, He's just like, come to my mansion later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have a party every night. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Slow down, you shitty storyteller. | ||
| Who is this rich billionaire? | ||
| Where are you when you're meeting this guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on? | |
| No, this is through another person. | ||
| Oh, through a secret person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, secret person. | |
| Okay, so secret person knows rich billionaire who likes to party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Rich billionaire somehow or another gets secret person some... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mali. | |
| MDMA, which is a 100% pure one. | ||
| 100% pure. | ||
| And is that the stuff that gives you no headaches? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| It's pretty much ecstasy. | ||
| It's just pure ecstasy. | ||
| It has nothing else in it. | ||
| So you take this stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I take this stuff, and immediately I had to just close my eyes and fall to the ground. | |
| Every single pore in my body felt like there was cum coming out of every single hole in my body. | ||
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How much did you take? | ||
| How many pills? | ||
| Do you know I could dose? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just the one. | |
| Two each. | ||
| See, that's the problem with ecstasy. | ||
| It's the same thing, the problem that exists with medical marijuana. | ||
| It's like your dosage, like who the fuck knows what your dosages are? | ||
| Like if you buy a cookie, a medical marijuana cookie, you're really taking a crazy giant risk. | ||
| You really have no idea. | ||
| The way Redman described it is he has some kind of test, who knows what scientist gave him the information, but if you apply this whatever, To the ecstasy. | ||
| If it turns blue, it's good. | ||
| Yeah, he was just telling us that while you were peeing. | ||
| He was just telling us that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's scientific as fuck. | ||
| That's like a mood ring. | ||
| A mood ring for heroin. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's crazy because I thought your show was at a different theater last night. | |
| So I was like, oh, it's at the Pantages Theater. | ||
| So I got the hotel right across the street from it. | ||
| And, of course, it was the wrong theater. | ||
| But it was just awesome how it worked out. | ||
| They were like... | ||
| Do you want a king-size bed? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, sure, king-size bed. | ||
| And they're like, are you here for business or pleasure? | ||
| I'm like, oh, we've got this show across the street and stuff like that. | ||
| She goes, oh, well, let me upgrade you from one entertainment to one. | ||
| Are you a performer? | ||
| He goes, I'm a comic. | ||
| And she goes, then let me upgrade you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and so we got like the pimp, like the Puff Daddy suite. | |
| Yeah, you told us this already. | ||
| Rapper Suite? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but I was off the air. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Yeah, that's funny that you thought it was the wrong place. | ||
| You're so fucked up. | ||
| Like, learn with theater. | ||
| It's a name. | ||
| It's a different name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| One starts with a B. Why did I think Pantages? | ||
| One starts with a W. I don't know, because it's been on my website for fucking six months. | ||
| Because you love the song Chucky's in Love by Ricky Lee Jones. | ||
| And that's where Chucky was, sitting behind us down at the Pantages. | ||
| Chucky's in love, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But apparently her voice is shot, and she has something called morgellons. | ||
| Do you know what morgellons is? | ||
| Hang on, let me get a pen. | ||
| Is it terminal? | ||
| No. | ||
| I need my death pool. | ||
| I've got to get my death pool picks ready for 2013. No, no, no. | ||
| Morgellons is what they think is a crazy person's disease. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck this is, but apparently it's fibers that are embedded in people's skin and you can pull them out. | ||
| Not only can you pull them out, but somehow or another they're related to nanotechnology and they actually vibrate with music. | ||
| Like, 8 out of 10 of them. | ||
| Has Jesse Ventura looked into this? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people looked into this. | ||
| It sounds crazy, but it's actually... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you telling me there's fibers that react to music? | |
| You're telling me that the Pentagon was hit by a plane and there's fibers in her arm? | ||
| As a former governor, why am I not allowed to just walk into the CIA and go through your files? | ||
| I'm a Navy SEAL. Why can't I go to Area 51? | ||
| Pull up pictures of Morgellons. | ||
| It's a skin disorder and these people get these horrible rashes on their skin and Morgellons disease. | ||
| Well, Joni Mitchell has it and some famous baseball player has it and if you look at the images it's like, do people have pictures of this shit? | ||
| It's really strange. | ||
| They're these tiny fibers and these people, They have like scabs on their skin and these fibers grow out of their scabs. | ||
| You see that shit? | ||
| Well, there's doctors that have like, you know, I mean they've done tests on these things and they don't know what the fuck they are and they think that it's related to nanotechnology and with nanofibers and clothing and all these different things that they can self-assemble somehow. | ||
| Under the right circumstances, they can self-assemble. | ||
| And when they do, the problem is these things are moving and dividing and growing inside someone's skin. | ||
| I hate when you're smart. | ||
| That's not smart, this is repeating shit that smart people have figured out. | ||
| I know, I hate that you remember all that shit. | ||
| I read a book about something smart, it's gone. | ||
| As soon as I shut the book, my fucking head is completely empty again. | ||
| I find that documentaries, for whatever reason, I can remember things more from documentaries than I can from books. | ||
| Exactly, and I've always used that argument about people who are fucking, oh, pick up a book every now and then. | ||
| I don't remember it. | ||
| Visual, you know, I see something on TV, it sticks in my head more. | ||
| It's a more engaging medium. | ||
| It's like what I was talking about last night when people talk to you about Game of Thrones. | ||
| Like, oh, you should read the book, or you should read the book, they're so much better. | ||
| I'm like, how the fuck could it be better? | ||
| I'm looking at naked people and dragons. | ||
| How could it be better if I'm reading? | ||
| You're telling me that's better? | ||
| You're full of shit. | ||
| You're full of shit. | ||
| It's not as engaging. | ||
| I do find that reading helps my creative process because it forces you to imagine. | ||
| And so it's better for writing if I read something. | ||
| I thoroughly agree. | ||
| I absolutely thoroughly agree. | ||
| What's the fucking great documentary guy? | ||
| One of Herzog? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He's a British guy. | ||
| The age of fuck. | ||
| Campbell? | ||
| Joseph Campbell? | ||
| Hannigan, are you listening? | ||
| Text me. | ||
| What's it about? | ||
| The Age of Self. | ||
| That was a three-part series. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Is it Chris something? | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Age of Self. | ||
| Century of Self. | ||
| BBC. Yeah, what's his name? | ||
| He's fucking brilliant. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've got to find out. | |
| It's a... | ||
| Was it a BBC show? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Century of Self, BBC. Is that his name? | ||
| What? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Adam Curtis? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Adam Curtis. | ||
| Adam Curtis. | ||
| That guy puts out some really good shit. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so many guys out there now putting out some really good shit. | ||
| This is really, really interesting times. | ||
| Neil deGrasse Tyson is the first mainstream celebrity new scientist, and it's cool because he's black. | ||
| He's black and he's funny. | ||
| He's black, he's funny, he's relaxed. | ||
| He has to have an earpiece too, just like Dr. Phil. | ||
| No, no, he's a real fucking super genius. | ||
| He's cool as shit, man. | ||
| That guy's badass. | ||
| And again, Adam Curtis texted. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Perfection. | ||
| Say, hey Sussman, text me something. | ||
| Sussman? | ||
| He doesn't really text that much. | ||
| He's not really a texter. | ||
| I'm just pitting my manager against your manager. | ||
| Your manager wins in that circumstance. | ||
| But Google beat your manager. | ||
| Well, that's one thing where you try to put Red Band against Chaley. | ||
| I'll lay money on that. | ||
| What will you lay money on? | ||
| Jaylee, my guy. | ||
| I'm calling back to our last podcast. | ||
| Right, but doing what? | ||
| Doing what? | ||
| Whatever I was talking about, and you said, oh, fucking no, there's no way as good as Red Band. | ||
| Wait a minute, you think your podcast guy, whatever the fuck your guys is, is as good as this motherfucker? | ||
| All around, tour managing, podcasting, sound. | ||
| Listen, that's a slave. | ||
| You have a slave. | ||
| Brian's not a slave, he's a specialist. | ||
| No, this guy's a specialist. | ||
| He's a podcast master slash tech wizard slash silly bitch. | ||
| He does it. | ||
| See, he's actually entertaining. | ||
| He's on the show. | ||
| He helps the show out. | ||
| Your guy can suck it. | ||
| There's no way he's as good. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Your guy's not as good as Red Band. | ||
| You have to set up some kind of alert. | ||
| Red Band has 70,000 Twitter followers for a reason, because he's beautiful. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| Couldn't do without that motherfucker. | ||
| Don't you tell me your guy's as good as him. | ||
| You guys are a goddamn slave. | ||
| My guy couldn't open the show. | ||
| You guys are washing your car. | ||
| You guys are out there fixing your toilet. | ||
| This guy's a specialist. | ||
| He's an artist. | ||
| It's disrespectful to you right now. | ||
| I feel very disrespectful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I just want him to bet. | |
| You started it. | ||
| I was not ever. | ||
| I just said he was the best rat manager. | ||
| Well, listen, we'll give all the money to the homeless porno stars or something. | ||
| Okay, we'll get all the money to Brian. | ||
| Yeah, Brian can do comedy. | ||
| The only problem with my tour manager is everyone hates me. | ||
| He dresses goofy like me when we go on the road. | ||
| We went and bought me and Junior Stopka and Carlos Valencia and Bingo and Chaley all on the road. | ||
| We stopped and we saw Pimp Original kings of comedy suit store. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| So I went in and we bought everybody, including Bingo. | ||
| Big long shoulders and everything. | ||
| Wide shoulders. | ||
| Yeah, we all got white except for Junior. | ||
| Because they're all built for fat people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| So the rest of us are small, so we had to get white with different I had pink, and Chaley got black, and Carlos got purple. | ||
| Junior's like six foot something. | ||
| He looks just like the Indian from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. | ||
| He looks like a retarded Mitch Hedberg, like a misshapen head. | ||
| Mitch Hedberg, long stringy hair. | ||
| And she got aqua blue. | ||
| But Chaley, he'll dress like me in these ridiculous leisure suits, but somehow people take him seriously. | ||
| And I get a hate mail... | ||
| From him just going up to introduce the show. | ||
| Welcome to the show. | ||
| Turn off your cell phones. | ||
| We have a great show for you tonight. | ||
| And someone emailed me. | ||
| And that first guy with the fucking weird mustache, he fucking sucked. | ||
| He introduced the show. | ||
| Yeah, but people know when someone sucks, even when they're just introducing someone. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Your guy can't fuck with him. | ||
| This guy gets standing ovations when he goes on stage. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you pit your slave up against my master craftsman? | ||
| Oh no, my guy's the fucking... | ||
| How dare you, right? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| My guy can play any bass in the game. | ||
| Yeah, go play in a fucking band, stupid. | ||
| Go play in your band. | ||
| Oh, he can do that, too. | ||
| How dare you play any bass? | ||
| He's in a band. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, my song I wrote, Olive Garden Butthole, has been remade five times. | |
| Huge in Germany. | ||
| He gets paid. | ||
| It's almost as big as David Hasselhoff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He fucking works security. | |
| Yeah, that's good for him, man. | ||
| He's delivering newspapers, too. | ||
| That guy's a slave. | ||
| You got a slave. | ||
| You're taking a slave and you're putting him up against a specialist. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Brian Redman's legit. | ||
| How dare you, sir? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's mad. | |
| Doug's just mad at me. | ||
| Well, he treats this guy like a slave. | ||
| I'm just promoting my guy. | ||
| He sends the guy out. | ||
| He sends the guy out to go fucking take gum off his tires and shit. | ||
| Hey, Death Squad, I hope that at Junior Stopka has 50,000 fucking Twitter followers by now. | ||
| Well, I don't even think... | ||
| I'm glad you heard about that organically. | ||
| Yes, totally organically. | ||
| Everybody was talking about it. | ||
| Apparently he fucking killed at the Comedy Store. | ||
| A lot of people saying this is this big guy, crazy hair, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, like Hedberg, but stringy Indian version. | ||
| I just started following him on Twitter. | ||
| I advise you to do the same. | ||
| We're only at 1,134 fucking followers. | ||
| I think by the end of this show we can at least get him up to 2,000. | ||
| I'm not asking for a crazy amount. | ||
| That's a reasonable request, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Go follow him. | ||
| It's Junior Stopka, S-T-O-P-K. And the fucking dude looks funny. | ||
| P.K.A. Stop like stop sign and K.A. You know what? | ||
| I repeated what you did earlier. | ||
| You didn't add the A earlier and I asked you if there was an A and you said yeah. | ||
| And then I did the same fucking thing. | ||
| See? | ||
| That's what I'm good at. | ||
| I'm good at repeating shit. | ||
| I'm stupid. | ||
| It's a fucking ruse, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| But there's a picture of Junior Sopka and his Twitter file and he's smoking a cigarette and his hair He's long and pulled behind his ears. | ||
| Two shitty choices in life. | ||
| He really has no choice what to do with his hair. | ||
| You see his hair and you go, that's just going to lay like that no matter what. | ||
| Unless he's got a giant crazy perm. | ||
| Unless he's got something like... | ||
| Eddie Bravo spiky thing going on? | ||
| Maybe you could do that. | ||
| Do you know Possum Man? | ||
| No. | ||
| But he looks kind of like Possum Man for you hardcore Hedberg fans. | ||
| What is Possum Man? | ||
| Is that Junior's top guy right there? | ||
| That's Junior, yeah. | ||
| Whoa, that's a face and a half right there, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Is he part Korean? | ||
| Is he part Korean or part Frisbee? | ||
| No, he's just straight up retarded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's great. | |
| He is so fucking good. | ||
| Where'd you pick him up? | ||
| Chicago. | ||
| Did you work for Ritter ever? | ||
| No. | ||
| One of the things I was saying, I did a bunch of interviews yesterday because my new special just came out and I had to do a bunch of these things. | ||
| But one of the things I was saying was that a real network, like Desk Squad, we actually have a network. | ||
| And it's not official, but it's not like... | ||
| It's not written down in a contract form or anything, but what it is is there's a network of people that are really funny, and they're all connected with each other. | ||
| And if I tell you about Duncan Trussell, it's because Duncan Trussell's hilarious. | ||
| If I say, hey, go listen to Bill Burr, I'm not steering you wrong. | ||
| I'm telling you about really hilarious shit, and that's what I heard about this Junior Stavka kid. | ||
| I'm like, "Doug, Stanhope's taking him on the road with him. | ||
| He's got to be funny." And then it was like, "This guy's hilarious." And then boom, it's like everybody's talking about him. | ||
| Ari tells me about him. | ||
| Duncan tells me about him. | ||
| A couple people tell me about him. | ||
| And it's like, I love that. | ||
| I love that that is a real network. | ||
| Comics are getting support from all these others. | ||
| You're greenlighting them. | ||
| You're like, this kid's greenlit. | ||
| We took him on the road for his first legitimate road trip. | ||
| To watch with new eyes what you used to be so excited about and you're so bored with. | ||
| I'm not bored with it. | ||
| No, I'm saying just the minutiae of him getting a free drink in a bar, that kind of thing. | ||
| Bingo had to show him how to use a roller bag because he couldn't figure out the button part of it to make the handle go down. | ||
| He went to a military website to learn how to fold clothes properly to put... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| To pack... | ||
| Can we play some of his shit online? | ||
| Yeah, I've never found anything where the audio is any good. | ||
| That's Brian being silly. | ||
| Is that the real sound? | ||
| He's got two YouTube things open. | ||
| Do you got another YouTube thing open? | ||
| Yeah, he's got Rizzle Kicks. | ||
| What are you listening to? | ||
| That was the Rizzle Kicks. | ||
| Please cancel that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's killing our bandwidth, son. | |
| I see a lady reverse following me. | ||
| Heh? | ||
| Heh? | ||
| She's in front of me, I'm like, "Hee-hee-hee-hee!" Okay, you say, "Hee-hee!" Oh, this sounds such... | ||
| Yeah, there's nothing good on YouTube. | ||
| Well, you know, that was me until I put out my first CD. I didn't have anything good out there, you know? | ||
| It's funny that we, you and I, we never would really think of... | ||
| You don't want to think of that somehow or another we're from a different era, but we really are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yeah. | |
| We came up in the era of no internet. | ||
| Yeah, we had to send a VHS tape to a club to get booked. | ||
| It's hard to really wrap my head... | ||
| Sitting here in this office that we're renting out just to do the internet, you know, with Brian and our... | ||
| You know, and everybody attached to this, our whole lives, completely different just because of the internet. | ||
| Is it Jim? | ||
| This guy right here? | ||
| That's Jamie. | ||
| Jamie, alright. | ||
| Well, you go, it's Brian and I, and then you motion to him. | ||
| I'm waiting for someone to say his name, so I don't call him that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't even mean him. | |
| I meant, like, all the people that were there in the beginning of this whole craziness. | ||
| It's like, it's all because of... | ||
| I need to back up just for... | ||
| Oh, what was the giggle? | ||
| Yeah, the giggle was that that wasn't Hennigan that... | ||
| Texted me. | ||
| I can't put Hennigan against Sussman anymore. | ||
| I just assumed some guy that has my number You can't put Hennigan against Sussman, because Hennigan would probably crack under pressure, and Sussman's got fucking antifreeze in his veins. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fertilizer. | |
| That's the reason why you call Sussman the cleaner. | ||
| Sussman has other clients. | ||
| Brian works solely for me. | ||
| You know how many clients he's got? | ||
| How many? | ||
| One. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have the same deal? | ||
| No, he's got one other client. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like another guy who's a director, and he's pretty low maintenance, but it's three people in the entire agency. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right, good. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, they don't fuck around. | ||
| Sussman's the cleaner. | ||
| But he was fucking strong on the Mad Show. | ||
| He's wrong about a lot of shit, too, though. | ||
| He told me not to have the Fleshlight sponsor the podcast. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He doesn't like me talking about this. | ||
| Yeah, Brian talked me into doing that Oslo DVD. What was wrong with the Oslo DVD? I didn't like it. | ||
| It was fucking brand new material. | ||
| If I did that same material nine, six months later, even, it would have been a fucking great deal. | ||
| Yeah, honestly, that wasn't one of my favorites of yours. | ||
| No, I hated it. | ||
| But, you know, and I worry sometimes when someone puts out something that, like, man, like, maybe, like, they're losing enthusiasm or their health's not good, but then you came back before turning the gun on themselves. | ||
| Holy shit, was that good. | ||
| In my car, listening, clapping. | ||
| And laughing while I'm driving. | ||
| That's what we did when we listened to your fucking Jamie Kilstein podcast. | ||
| We were in the van with Junior and we were jumping out of our fucking van seats like fucking unruly children going to a special school. | ||
| Well, you never even saw the Jamie Kilstein delusion videotape that this kid, Brandon, aka the mischief maker on YouTube, put out. | ||
| Kielstein went on his podcast after. | ||
| Oh yeah, I did see that on YouTube. | ||
| That was fucking crazy. | ||
| And that was sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's two parts too. | |
| Yeah, I can't watch the rest of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just sad. | |
| It ran its course. | ||
| Yes, it ran its course. | ||
| And he was talking about it recently on a stage. | ||
| And he said that he was on a news channel. | ||
| The way he described the situation was that he was on a news station and that he was saying that rape is bad. | ||
| And that he got all this hate from the internet. | ||
| I was like, wow, you talk about painting a fucking biased picture of what actually happened. | ||
| You know, the idea to me, this is going to drive me crazy to the end of time. | ||
| One of the things I loved about Bill Burr, there was a video that I saw of Paul Provenza's show, The Green Room. | ||
| And Bill Burr was on there with Liz Winstead and they were debating back and forth about the whole Tracy Morgan thing. | ||
| And he's like, what was this, the best stenographer in the history of the world? | ||
| This fucking guy remembers exactly what he says after a whole hour set? | ||
| He can tell you exactly the word for word what this guy said and the context in which he said it? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| And I was like, thank you! | ||
| That was on The Green Room? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I so love that Bill did that. | ||
| But the other thing that drives me crazy about this whole shit, like the Tracy Morgan thing that relates to this, is that everybody wants to pretend that the... | ||
| There's not an art form in saying unbelievably ridiculous shit that you don't really mean. | ||
| It's a fucking art form. | ||
| It's just like N.W.A. talking about shooting cops. | ||
| They're not really shooting cops. | ||
| They used to be in a fucking band where they did disco. | ||
| This is an art form. | ||
| This is what they're trying to sell. | ||
| With a guy like Tracy Morgan or a guy like Brian Holtzman or Dice. | ||
| Have you had Holtzman on? | ||
| No, we gotta locate him. | ||
| Apparently he's a meter mate or something. | ||
| Yeah, but you said he was just out since the fucking Newtown shooting. | ||
| Talking about it at the Comedy Store? | ||
| I didn't say that. | ||
| No, I didn't say that. | ||
| I thought you were saying he was like, those kids were bad. | ||
| No, no, that was Susan Smith. | ||
| He was talking about the woman who drowned. | ||
| I thought he was out doing... | ||
| Oh, he would! | ||
| I'm sure he has. | ||
| They banned him from the Comedy Store after 9-11 for like a week because they knew he'd say the bad, bad thing. | ||
| He was saying the bad, bad things. | ||
| The Susan Smith thing, that was the woman who drowned her kids. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I remember. | ||
| No, that wasn't. | ||
| I heard a half a conversation. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And I assumed when you said, and he's up there on stage saying these are bad, bad kids anyway. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I assumed. | ||
| People like Liz Winstead in that video, that shit infuriates me. | ||
| The idea that you're going to pretend that this is a statement of his opinions and not a ridiculous over-the-top... | ||
| She created The Daily Show. | ||
| She's a very intelligent woman. | ||
| I know, but what's her roots? | ||
| She's a stand-up. | ||
| She started out as a stand-up. | ||
| It's like Chelsea Handler. | ||
| Where did she come from? | ||
| Chelsea Handler is, again, she's a good comic, man. | ||
| She was a very good comic. | ||
| But I never heard of her ever as a comic. | ||
| Oh, I knew her. | ||
| I knew her from the store. | ||
| I always respected her as a comic. | ||
| I think she'd be great to get hammered with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| She's a badass bitch, man. | ||
| She's a badass bitch. | ||
| She's legit. | ||
| And so is Liz Winstead. | ||
| She's legit, too. | ||
| I mean, she's really brilliant. | ||
| But she also has a lot of brilliant people. | ||
| She's incredibly rigid and stubborn in her ideas. | ||
| And this idea that, you know... | ||
| Look... | ||
| There's a weird idea that if you're in somehow or another making fun of anything gay or somehow or another making fun of anything that has to do with women that you somehow or another, especially coming from the point of view of a white male, which is like we are judged as always being The most fucked up in our beliefs, the least deserving of any slack. | ||
| You know, the white male is like the real problem in this society. | ||
| So when a white male is making fun of gays or women, all of a sudden you are anti-gay or all of a sudden you're anti-women. | ||
| It's completely ridiculous. | ||
| And I can see the fact that a lot of people feel like there's some back work to be made up when it comes to the gay community, like there's some damage that needs to be covered, because it must absolutely suck to be gay and have to deal with all these fucking people that have an issue with what your natural desires are, with a bunch of other people that have the same natural desires are. | ||
| With the same natural desires. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| So I can see this wanting to protect and defend them. | ||
| But you can't pretend that someone just fucking around is being serious. | ||
| Because then you ruin the whole point you're making. | ||
| Because the whole point you're making, you're making about real people in real life. | ||
| When Tracy Morgan is like, my son was gay, I stabbed that little nigga. | ||
| He's not being serious. | ||
| You're confusing an art form with real life, with the real statements of real life. | ||
| Well, he is serious in the fact that his child would be a nigger. | ||
| I mean, technically. | ||
| He doesn't use the R. Don't you understand? | ||
| Well, maybe he's from Boston. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I said nigga, not nigga. | |
| The idea that a comic would, you know, would step up and try to say, like, a guy joking around with hecklers about rape is supporting rape culture. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| Yeah, there's stuff that will never not make me fucking recoil. | ||
| Boil with chimpanzee rage. | ||
| Just fucking wild, dick-biting rage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| That's the real rage, not human rage. | ||
| You have a lot less rage. | ||
| I was watching you last night. | ||
| I go, Joe has this whole human aspect to him now. | ||
| I think it might have been when you uttered the word, well, now I'm a father. | ||
| And you didn't go, normally a comic says, now I'm a father. | ||
| You go, oh, I never want to hear you again. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Louis C.K. made that okay. | ||
| To not go down that... | ||
| Babies are like little drunk people! | ||
| I would have never gone that road anyway. | ||
| I always felt like... | ||
| For a minute I wasn't afraid of you. | ||
| You just seemed nicer. | ||
| I've always been nice, man. | ||
| I've developed in a very fucked up way. | ||
| If I look back at my own life, the time when I was in high school, the most important time, all I was doing was fighting. | ||
| My entire high school life, all throughout my 20s, until 22 years old, the early 20s, All I did was martial arts. | ||
| That's all I did. | ||
| So I was just wired for this really crazy reality. | ||
| It took a long time for me to let that go. | ||
| It took a long time to come off of DEFCON 4. Let's bring it to 3. I could never do that because physically there's no amount of training in the world. | ||
| But I would try to get smarter and learn a lot of things so I could repeat things. | ||
| But I can't do it anymore. | ||
| Now I read a book. | ||
| It's fucking gone. | ||
| We've got to get you some Alpha Brain. | ||
| Yeah, you gave me some before. | ||
| Take it with your vodka. | ||
| It worked as good as that fucking I'm up in it or whatever you're promoting. | ||
| I'm upping it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| Onnit. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| Alpha Brain is from Onnit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Does it work with you? | ||
| It's a battle. | ||
| My dick and my brain are having a battle for who can be the tortoise in the race. | ||
| Who can be the tortoise? | ||
| Just take 20 of them, all together, one shot. | ||
| You're gonna take them home with me. | ||
| The first time I did your podcast, we fucking promoted your fleshlight. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going home with one of these. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No, Jill Rogan. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Nothing in my fucking stocking but coal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| I should have brought... | ||
| If you just reminded me, I have a box of them. | ||
| I'll bring them into you, too. | ||
| Listen, if it's anything like Bingo's vagina, the fleshlight will just sit there and grow hair because it's unused. | ||
| Have you completely given up on intercourse? | ||
| Yeah, pretty much. | ||
| Unless we're doing a lot of drugs. | ||
| Drugs still bring out some horny in me. | ||
| Yeah, like the scratchy horny? | ||
| No, just like, oh, I feel an urge, so I might as well capitalize while I... And then, yeah, it's seconds and it's over. | ||
| We tried to fuck once in Oregon, I remember. | ||
| It was so stupid and pathetic, we just burst into fucking laughter and rolled over. | ||
| Like, alright. | ||
| Let's just ride this out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| But again, if you talked to a younger me and said, yeah, I remember you saying it. | ||
| Oh, the day I don't want to fuck anymore is the day I'm dead. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Today. | ||
| I'm still the same way. | ||
| In my 30s, even then it was still kind of fun if someone wanted to fuck you on the road and they're hot and it was quick and easy. | ||
| You should go to a ball doctor. | ||
| But that was more about ego than actual... | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I don't... | |
| Again, I don't miss it. | ||
| The road pussy was like keeping score. | ||
| It's like, yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Successful! | |
| It's like fucking Red Man today showing pictures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy! | |
| Easy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happens off the podcast stays off the podcast. | |
| Omerta. | ||
| I didn't say about last night. | ||
| I meant from another time. | ||
| Another age, era, before cell phones. | ||
| There's a drawing on his phone. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Look, at the end of the day, it's not an essential value. | ||
| You don't need to fuck. | ||
| And a lot of it is absolutely pointless. | ||
| And a lot of it is winning. | ||
| It's a fucking... | ||
| Yeah, it's a score thing, sure. | ||
| And it's also like a reinforcement, knowing that people find you attractive and still want to fuck you. | ||
| People offer me drugs on the road. | ||
| It's because they love you. | ||
| Even if you're... | ||
| Hey, you want to smoke a joint? | ||
| I go, I don't smoke, but the day people stop asking, I'm going to... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The day people stop wanting to fuck you. | ||
| That's that sad thing where MILFs are dropping hints. | ||
| Well, we don't, you know, we don't have to stay here. | ||
| We could get out of here. | ||
| I mean, I'm just saying. | ||
| The worst is when chicks that you would never fuck in a million years, but they're your age, so you should be fucking them. | ||
| And you're like, I feel really bad that I just realized that I should be fucking someone like you. | ||
| Have you ever run into one of your old girlfriends and she's like 45 now? | ||
| Oh, it's terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the fucking worst. | |
| That have lived a normal Massachusetts life. | ||
| They're the lunch lady now. | ||
| That's the fucking lunch lady. | ||
| Shovel and snow makes you age three times as fast. | ||
| I just got divorced. | ||
| I got married when I was 20 years old to a girl I knew for two weeks that was my secretary in fraud telemarketing. | ||
| And it was a drunken goof Vegas, you know, hey, let's go get married. | ||
| And so now I just got divorced finally, because I know it's on paper out there. | ||
| Did you have to pay her anything? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| She's, I think, married to another guy. | ||
| She was a psychotic. | ||
| She was, like, really a pathological liar, fucking crazy. | ||
| But she was great in bed. | ||
| But she was, like, 12 years older than me. | ||
| Was she great in bed? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, she was, like, evil crazy. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No, she might have shot up Sandy Hook. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But the point is she was 11 years older than me and not really attractive at that point. | ||
| So now that means I was married to a 57-year-old woman. | ||
| Like if I saw her, I'd be like, that's my wife. | ||
| I wish I could have seen her to go, I'm married to her! | ||
| I remember before I ever met you, I saw photos of you. | ||
| I think that before I ever met you, people were telling me you were really funny, and I saw a picture of you at the Houston Laugh Stop, and you had long, sexy hair. | ||
| Long, beautiful hair. | ||
| And I was like, look at this asshole with his long hair. | ||
| Are you telling me this guy's funny? | ||
| Everybody's like, tell him this. | ||
| Doug Stanhope guy's really funny. | ||
| You said something once, and I repeat it all the time in the podcast. | ||
| We had a conversation, and you were a little lit up while we were talking on the phone, and you said, I could give up comedy, but I couldn't give up comics. | ||
| Yeah, no, I fucking say that sober, too. | ||
| I miss comics so much. | ||
| It's just such an ease about being around them. | ||
| That's why the fucking industry in the green room was such a vulture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just fucking leech off of... | |
| Is that you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was 1995. God, that doesn't even look like you. | ||
| I bought that suit at a thrift store for the finals of the San Francisco Comedy Competition. | ||
| That's not even your fucking head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my face. | |
| That's weird. | ||
| That's like when you see Charlize Theron. | ||
| No, not Charlize Theron. | ||
| Who's the other chick? | ||
| Yeah, Charlize Theron in Sleeping Beauty when they make her look like she's 20 again. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| We're just looking at pictures of Doug Smith. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Look at this album coming. | ||
| Unfortunately, Google spoke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is great. | |
| I think the first time I saw you, though, was at that little place. | ||
| The Union. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And my mother was performing. | ||
| That was that little place that was on Sunset, right? | ||
| I was horrified, yeah. | ||
| It was beside the place that was cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Jay Davis ran. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I forget the name of that place. | ||
| Jay Davis is a fucking hoofer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're talking about a dude who puts in the hours. | ||
| He's a late-aged Josh D. Donato, if I can throw him. | ||
| Go to a fucking... | ||
| Who actually started Largo and then when it became cool, fucking cool people took it away from them and go, alright, thanks for throwing all those flyers on cars for three months. | ||
| We've got to move on to Greener Pastures, son. | ||
| Yeah, that place, that little small tiny place, that was the first time. | ||
| That's where I met Renee, my latter day wife. | ||
| The Nancy to my Sid. | ||
| The Wanda to my Bukowski. | ||
| I still like her. | ||
| She hasn't talked to me in years. | ||
| She wasn't a bad person. | ||
| She had a couple of issues. | ||
| She wasn't a bad person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I liked her because she liked Ween. | |
| Yes. | ||
| I always thought Ween was Weezer until like a week ago. | ||
| I love that Hashpipe song. | ||
| I thought it was Weezer. | ||
| Hang on, here's Yoko to sing ween. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one? | |
| I sing them all. | ||
| Spina bifida one. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spinal meningitis got me down. | |
| How is Yoko? | ||
| Spinal meningitis got me down. | ||
| I got roped into when we started the man show there's a club called the 321 in Memphis and Ween was playing the same night I was playing and they did a Ween after party without Ween's knowledge. | ||
| So they had me go over and introduce the band in front of Ween, and the host of the Mad Show, Doug Stanhope, they're like, the fucking new Mad Show sucks! | ||
| They're yelling at me, and I'm like, I'm just here to introduce, hey ladies and gentlemen, welcome out, Ween. | ||
| And one of the band members came to the club afterwards for this pseudo-after party. | ||
| Renee was so shit-faced, she pissed the couch and went into fucking rehab the next day. | ||
| That's my ween story. | ||
| Yeah, that would be unfortunate. | ||
| The last thing you want to do is go on stage in front of a bunch of people after you just replaced some people on another show. | ||
| Replacing people. | ||
| If we just had the Doug and Joe show... | ||
| Back then it would have sucked anyway. | ||
| It wouldn't have worked anyway. | ||
| Now, just in that amount of time, which is ten years, I guess that is a lot of time. | ||
| Look, if we wanted to do something, what we could do now is we could just produce it ourselves. | ||
| Just release it entirely on the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| That's completely possible. | ||
| I'm out of my record contract. | ||
| Now I can do fucking DVDs, Louis C.K. style. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking Louis C.K. Hey, fucking return a call, cunt! | |
| What's the matter? | ||
| I'll tell you off the air. | ||
| He's kind of busy, that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's too busy, I think. | ||
| You stop and think about what he does, editing, writing, producing, and performing in his own show, and writing an hour of new comedy every year. | ||
| Did I tell you when I did the part for him? | ||
| No. | ||
| When I did the thing on Louis... | ||
| He called me and he said, hey, do you do any acting? | ||
| And I said, no, I suck at it. | ||
| I was very open. | ||
| I suck at acting. | ||
| Again, just knowing that... | ||
| I'm glad the TV with my face is not where I can see it in this studio. | ||
| Because that just... | ||
| Just seeing me in the monitor on the mansion, I fucking... | ||
| I see my head. | ||
| I freeze up. | ||
| I said, I suck at it. | ||
| He goes, yeah, but would you want to? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I said, I'll try it. | ||
| I'm just telling you up front, I stink at acting. | ||
| And so we read through the part via Skype, and he said, okay, we read through it once, do this different, try this, get familiar with the material, and we'll do this again in a couple of days. | ||
| And I said, okay. | ||
| And then I'm walking around my backyard. | ||
| I'm doing the lines to my dogs, to Bingo, reading, just trying to get it fucking right. | ||
| And he didn't call back. | ||
| So then it's like two weeks later and I'm like, that motherfucker. | ||
| I told him I suck at acting and you don't even have the decency to call me back and say we went another direction. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But then I'm about to do Stern. | ||
| I'm playing New York, so I'm going to do Stern. | ||
| So my idea was I'm going to go on Stern. | ||
| I have these lines memorized. | ||
| So what I'm going to do is I'm going to insinuate them verbatim into conversation with Stern. | ||
| Insert them. | ||
| So months later, when you've booked someone else to play this part, it's going to look like you stole the entire script from my Howard Stern appearance. | ||
| And then he called and said, oh, I'm sorry, I was busy. | ||
| You get the part. | ||
| I want to do the stirring thing. | ||
| Yeah, no, I think he's almost too busy. | ||
| I love the fact that he's so inspirational with all the different shit that he's doing. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, you look at the pace that he's putting. | ||
| I'm just doing the math, and I'm not that good at math. | ||
| But when I do the math, I go, this doesn't seem like a lot of time for fun there. | ||
| Like, this seems like a crazy pace. | ||
| Like, doing a show, recording a show, editing it, producing it, and then doing a whole hour of stand-up every year. | ||
| Like, wow. | ||
| Yeah, no, he called me about something. | ||
| That's why I'm saying, hey, fucking Louie, call me back. | ||
| Or email me back because I don't know what you fucking check anymore. | ||
| But he called me about something and I've been trying to follow up on it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I'm not like, hey, I want to talk, man. | ||
| Now that you're big and famous, let's chat. | ||
| I'm not that guy. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| Why don't you stay in my house? | ||
| You don't need to go to a hotel. | ||
| He's the guy that emails you from a different email address every fucking time. | ||
| I don't know which one to contact you back at. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't it funny? | ||
| The pressures of stardom. | ||
| And then you also have the thing, well, maybe he's telling me to fuck off again, just like I did the first time when I got the part, but he was busy. | ||
| I don't think it's that. | ||
| I gotta fuck, I gotta get it. | ||
| The new CD is so fucking ready. | ||
| I've got to get something out. | ||
| Like, when you're doing the material too long, you know if you don't keep doing it, you're going to forget all the nuances of it. | ||
| When did you release Before Turning the Gun on Himself? | ||
| That's a year and a half ago. | ||
| But we taped it July of 10, I guess it is now. | ||
| Oh, 11? | ||
| Yeah, July of 11, and then it didn't get released. | ||
| It released digitally in March of this year, but then Showtime picked it up, so they could only do digital online audio release until Showtime aired it in August, and then they had a 90-day window before we could sell the actual DVD, which is a fucking 8-track tape now. | ||
| Yeah, I was excited when I saw it on Showtime. | ||
| I didn't know you were doing it that way. | ||
| I thought you were just doing it as a CD. I'd rather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like to see myself, but DVDs sell more. | |
| What was your deal that you had? | ||
| You were locked into a deal? | ||
| Like a long-term deal? | ||
| Roadrunner had a four record. | ||
| Why the fuck did you sign that? | ||
| Because of upfront money. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, I would never sign like a four or a three. | ||
| Everything I've ever done is one. | ||
| Yeah, it seemed like... | ||
| That's a douchey move, man. | ||
| Sign you to a four? | ||
| But they let us out of it. | ||
| Oh, they let you out of it. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah, that's like years. | ||
| Everything's digital now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But again, I'm so backlogged. | ||
| This material, I'm going to have to go back. | ||
| I've done so much that I'm going to have to relearn because I have a fucking good chunk now. | ||
| Yeah, I saw. | ||
| I saw everything that I saw. | ||
| I mean, I only watched a certain amount because I was trying to concentrate on my own shit, but everything I saw was completely new. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A lot of that shit, that'll be on the next one. | ||
| I have a backlog of other shit. | ||
| So how much do you have ready for the night? | ||
| Do you do like an hour, an hour and ten? | ||
| What I did last night, I had to shave down. | ||
| I tried to do 40, and I evidently did 50, but that was like cutting out a whole lot of detail. | ||
| I think we both did the same. | ||
| I think I did 49, and I think Joey did 30, and then Honey Honey did like 20. It was a long ass show, but it was awesome. | ||
| That crowd, man, they're amazing. | ||
| They were like with us. | ||
| Yeah, Death Squad. | ||
| We're going to have to, because the Stanhope Sausage Army is like a revolutionary fucking group compared to Death Squad. | ||
| So I think we might just have to have a branch. | ||
| You missed what Ben said then, if you didn't see Honey, Honey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what did he say? | |
| Ben, they were in the middle of playing, and they played this, first of all, they played Angel of Death, which is like one of my favorite songs they do. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And then he said, it's so crazy that since we did the podcast, we will go to these places and perform and do these really deep, emotional songs. | ||
| And you hear, Death Squad! | ||
| I see almost one Death Squad t-shirt per show at my show. | ||
| Oh yeah, all day, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| They're out there. | ||
| Well, we talk about, I don't know how it happened. | ||
| It sort of happened organically. | ||
| I don't know how we got this amazing following, but they're like the nicest fucking human beings in the world. | ||
| They're like super enthusiastic. | ||
| They're super cool. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| And it's growing. | ||
| And the crazy thing is you get these like-minded people that come to these shows. | ||
| That's one of the more interesting things about it is these people that come to these shows... | ||
| They're like really friendly, open-minded people who are like... | ||
| And it all comes from the podcast. | ||
| All of it. | ||
| 100% of it. | ||
| I mean, a lot of them were friends of my stand-up before, but this movement all comes from the podcast. | ||
| But when you realize that kind of power when you get those people together on an anonymous level... | ||
| I fucking love anonymous so much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where you can actually fucking do some... | ||
| And not change. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And not... | ||
| Let's go to the polls or pick a thing. | ||
| No, let's do something weird and funny. | ||
| Let's fuck with it on a creative level that is actually art. | ||
| Well, in Anonymous' case, you've got to be really careful. | ||
| If you're a company and you're doing something shady, they'll take you down. | ||
| They'll go into your infrastructure. | ||
| They'll figure out a way to hack into your system. | ||
| That's why you have to do it creatively. | ||
| I'm an armchair revolutionary at this point. | ||
| At any point, really. | ||
| Well, no, I'm not getting fucking tear-gassed at the WTO riots. | ||
| It's not my thing. | ||
| I don't run quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm easily winded. | |
| But you can do funny shit. | ||
| I've seen what my fucking fanbase will do when that guy was stealing my shit online, and they just decimated him. | ||
| Yeah, there was a guy, for folks who don't know the story, somebody sent... | ||
| Troy Holm was his name, H-O-L-M. Somebody put it up on my message board when Doug found out about it, but there was some character that was taking all of Doug's rants and bits and putting them on a blog! | ||
| Verbatim! | ||
| Like taking exact transcripts of CDs or blog updates and then Promoting it on his Twitter. | ||
| Come read my tales of real life perversion and drugs. | ||
| He's trying to make himself into some fucking worse. | ||
| Like a fucking half-ass Tucker Max. | ||
| And that's a quarter of an ass. | ||
| Because that guy is the worst piece of shit in the fucking world. | ||
| Oh, do this, Death Squad! | ||
| Fucking referendum! | ||
| Any time you're in an airport or a bookstore and you see a fucking Tucker Max book, take another book and put it in front of the stack because they always front load his books just so no one ever sees the book in the airport. | ||
| What's wrong with Tucker Max? | ||
| You know he's a Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild type of douche. | ||
| You don't have to do any research. | ||
| You know immediately he's that kind of fuck that just gets off on people hating him. | ||
| All you have to do nowadays to be famous is to be easily hated. | ||
| That's what all those reality shows are about. | ||
| They just put a dick on the reality. | ||
| Are you going to watch American Chopper? | ||
| Do you want to watch people weld for 30 minutes? | ||
| No. | ||
| But if someone's going to be an asshole to someone else, and that's creating this influx of people who are like, I want to be an asshole so I can be famous. | ||
| I want to be a fucking Paris Hilton Kardashian asshole. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| You know what I find fascinating? | ||
| When people learn. | ||
| When they try that, and then they learn. | ||
| And what I really saw that was with Camille Grammer, who was Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And it was, you know, she's on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. | ||
| And one of the things, like, you know, they would have each character go out and say who they are. | ||
| And it's like, you know, I'm finally stepping out of my husband's shadow. | ||
| And for what? | ||
| For being a cunt. | ||
| And that's what she was. | ||
| For one season, she was a cunt. | ||
| She was a ruthless cunt. | ||
| And the backlash, the fucking repercussion, the blowback, was so intense that she completely switched it up on the next season. | ||
| She's like, I'm done with this. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what you do. | ||
| I'm a sweetie. | ||
| I'll give you a hug. | ||
| I'll send you on your way. | ||
| She didn't want any more negative attention anymore. | ||
| It's like the first season, all she was doing was talking shit. | ||
| She was married to her husband, and she was riding on motorcycles with other guys, like her friends that were struggling actors. | ||
| I'm like looking at this like this is disgusting. | ||
| You have to have people in the industry that work on these shows. | ||
| Any fucking dirt you can email me anonymously about the fucking reality shows and how exactly they're staged. | ||
| They're all staged now. | ||
| I mean, the one that they did at the Comedy Store, when Ari did it, Duncan, God bless him, quit his fucking job. | ||
| They wanted him to be in on the reality show at the Comedy Store, and rather than be on television, Duncan quit his job answering phones. | ||
| For real. | ||
| He's like, done. | ||
| Duncan has to be making a decent living on the road now. | ||
| Oh, he is now. | ||
| Yeah, it's really recent. | ||
| It's over the last year or so. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And that's, again, the podcast, introducing people to his podcast and his podcast taking off. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| He makes a living now selling his posters and t-shirts and then doing gigs. | ||
| Like, fuck, we gotta get posters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to reprint that one, Doug. | |
| That's one of my favorite posters. | ||
| The one where it's all made out of heroin needles and drugs. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Oh, my default photo on Twitter. | ||
| Do you have that original poster? | ||
| No, that's an old one. | ||
| If you got any copies of it, I would love to get it to put it up in here. | ||
| I have one. | ||
| I don't know if I have that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I just have that one. | |
| Do you use it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, it's my favorite poster. | |
| For what? | ||
| A washboard? | ||
| Jerking off on, so I was thinking. | ||
| If you can get us a copy of it though, man, I would love to put it up in here because Ari just gave me one of his posters. | ||
| I'm going to have it framed and put up in here. | ||
| I know a lot of comics used to do it, but I get head shots, but no one has head shots anymore. | ||
| They don't exist anymore. | ||
| I want to do that for my house. | ||
| Get a comic's headshots and put them on the wall like the old ones. | ||
| I got really old ones from the Warner Brothers days from 1999. I'll get you one of those. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Oh, of you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| I would love to get everybody's oldest headshots that they have. | ||
| The most embarrassing ones. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't have them anymore, but I had some ones where I had a leather jacket on, like a tank top. | ||
| I got some bad ones. | ||
| Really bad. | ||
| I have one of me standing in a swimming pool in a suit up to my chest with a wicked Billy Ray Cyrus mullet holding a glass of wine with sunglasses on. | ||
| That sounds good. | ||
| Because I thought it's crazy! | ||
| Two years into the business. | ||
| You know, here's the hack one that everybody tries. | ||
| The standing with the mugshot with your name on it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I tried that one. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| It was just so pathetic. | ||
| You know Louis C.K.'s one that he had for like 15 years was one of those pictures from when he was like 16 or 17 You get in a strip from sitting in a booth, you put quarters in, and you get a strip of four pictures. | ||
| For 15 years, I might be exaggerating, but forever, until he was a fucking grown man, he used that as his headshot. | ||
| Wow, that's funny. | ||
| Headshots were a funny thing, like Mike Donovan. | ||
| Do you remember Mike Donovan? | ||
| Did you know Mike Donovan at all? | ||
| Too common a name to say no. | ||
| Really hilarious Boston comedian. | ||
| But one of the things he said, he goes, any comics that's worth his fucking salt doesn't have a headshot. | ||
| That's what he always said. | ||
| Yeah, that's the guy that ruins you as an open mic. | ||
| You go, oh, I can be unprofessional too without an act. | ||
| Yeah, he wanted you to be unprofessional. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| But he was hilarious. | ||
| I mean, he was right in certain ways in which you should really be concentrating on is your act. | ||
| Well, that's why Dane Cook... | ||
| The hatred of Dane Cook hurt so many comics because they would eschew MySpace based solely on their dislike for Dane Cook, whereas social networking, that's why comedy clubs have comment cards, is to get direct access to the audience. | ||
| But you don't want to go on MySpace and do a good thing for your career because that's so Dane Cook. | ||
| Well, fucking get past the Dane Cook and look at how the thing works. | ||
| There are guys, they do eschew the social media. | ||
| Bill Burr didn't have Twitter until we signed up for him. | ||
| Cops are here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Audio issues, take two. | |
| Bill Burr. | ||
| Bingo, right on time with the fucking vodka and grapefruit juice. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a bit liquored up. | ||
| Yeah, I am as well. | ||
| I love having this studio though, man. | ||
| This is fucking great. | ||
| This is fucking so exciting to have our own space. | ||
| I was so disappointed when I went to your house. | ||
| Have I said this before? | ||
| No, what? | ||
| That's so normal? | ||
| No, when you had it in your house, and it was like, it was like, there's boxes of clothes and shit. | ||
| Like, you always go so far out to make everything. | ||
| I thought you'd have this, and you're like... | ||
| Set up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we're sitting on a couch like public access TV. Yeah. | ||
| Both trying to look into the camera but talk to each other. | ||
| I didn't know how to do it. | ||
| It took a while to figure out how to do it right. | ||
| At first I figured out, well, let's just put a little coffee table and some microphones on it and a couch. | ||
| That would be comfortable. | ||
| But couches aren't that comfortable, it turns out. | ||
| No, not to talk to each other. | ||
| No, couches suck. | ||
| Office chairs are where it's at, like a good, solid leather office chair. | ||
| Yeah, and this. | ||
| And this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This oak table. | ||
| People like wood. | ||
| Wood feels good. | ||
| It feels good to put your hands on it. | ||
| You did it the opposite of how I do it. | ||
| I would have the whole setup and then not know how to do it. | ||
| Hello? | ||
| Hello? | ||
| Well, that's exactly how I would do it if it wasn't for him. | ||
| That's why he's better than your guy. | ||
| I'm not talking about the electronics. | ||
| I'd have someone else do that. | ||
| I just wouldn't. | ||
| I'd stutter and go, yeah, this is the... | ||
| We did that at first. | ||
| Go back and, if anybody wants to, if you're a fan of this podcast and you're listening, go back and watch episode one. | ||
| If you have any illusions of how great we are at this, you can see the exact fucking evolution of this sort of thing for us. | ||
| We were terrible. | ||
| This is exactly what we want to do at the house. | ||
| We got the small-time equipment, but we tested it. | ||
| Sounds great. | ||
| And we have a thing between the dining room and the kitchen is a table, this shape. | ||
| Well listen, I got a great solution for you. | ||
| I know exactly the way to do this. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about we'll pick up the equipment, we'll order everything for you, we'll have it installed in your house. | ||
| No, we have the equipment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got everything. | |
| We have the equipment to do it right. | ||
| We tested it, we did a fake podcast, absolutely shit-faced. | ||
| Do you have an account to upload it? | ||
| We have the account. | ||
| Okay, so you have everything. | ||
| Yeah, all I need to do is fucking man up and get on a mic. | ||
| That's it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you're ready? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, what I was going to say is that we'll set it up for you and put you on Death Squad. | ||
| Put you on Brian's network. | ||
| We can do that, too. | ||
| Well, if you do that, you're going to get way more listeners and viewers, for sure. | ||
| People are going to know about it. | ||
| It'll be something. | ||
| And it'll be awesome. | ||
| And right now, he's got Kevin Pereira on, who's fucking hilarious. | ||
| And you and Kevin Pereira would be amazing, if you want to do it that way. | ||
| It would be easy to promote it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Join Death Squad. | |
| Join in. | ||
| Join us. | ||
| Join us. | ||
| See, I think of Death Squad as anonymous. | ||
| I don't know how it actually works into actual... | ||
| Well, listen. | ||
| This is how it works. | ||
| The way it works is... | ||
| I call my fans a sausage army. | ||
| I call your fans Death Squad. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| We're going to have to succumb to your corporate takeover. | ||
| Well, we're all the same. | ||
| It's all the same. | ||
| See, there's Death Squad, which is... | ||
| Brian and Joey and Ari and Eddie Bravo and Tate Fletcher. | ||
| That is Death Squad. | ||
| That is all of us. | ||
| That is Duncan. | ||
| That is you. | ||
| You're included. | ||
| Anybody. | ||
| Death Squad. | ||
| Honey, honey. | ||
| Anybody who comes on the podcast. | ||
| Burt Kreischer is going to mention his name. | ||
| Powerful Burt Kreischer is unquestionably Death Squad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Except Jamie Kielstein got thrown out. | |
| Yeah, he got thrown out. | ||
| He can make his way back, but he's got to eat meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Suck my dick. | |
| And something happened along the line. | ||
| You have to start at Sausage Army, Jamie. | ||
| Something happened along the line. | ||
| It's meat-related. | ||
| You're going to have to succumb. | ||
| Anyway, Brian started the DeathSquad.tv website, and the DeathSquad podcast was sort of like an extension, a branch, and then everyone has their own little branches, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like Ari's got the Skeptic Tank, that's a branch of the DeathSquad network, and it's like we're all... | ||
| It's all together. | ||
| I mean, whatever it means. | ||
| The word is a weird word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's more like an approval of a group of friends. | |
| It's a noise you make with your mouth that means all of us. | ||
| What we all agree with. | ||
| And it's something that will come back to haunt you in a court of law. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Death Squad. | |
| Well, if you called this Death Squad and you're claiming you're not a terrorist organization. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a digital mitzvah. | |
| I have death in so many of my... | ||
| I'm gonna be dead someday. | ||
| It was your first. | ||
| I have death as a theme in almost all my CDs. | ||
| Before turning the gun on himself. | ||
| Die laughing before turning the gun on himself. | ||
| I didn't even notice. | ||
| Live from Oslo. | ||
| That's why I didn't... | ||
| Listen, I have... | ||
| The title is the best part of getting the great title for a CD, and that's why that one is a shitty title, because I knew it was a shitty DVD. Well, Lie from the Tabernacle is my last one, and I just didn't know what to call it. | ||
| I had no idea what to call it. | ||
| I sat down, and I had no fucking answers. | ||
| Oh, you should have called me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, called me. | |
| Why, though? | ||
| I mean, Lie from the Tabernacle. | ||
| Jack and Dino. | ||
| I like Lie from the Tabernacle. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| It was at the Tabernacle in Atlanta. | ||
| It's on JoeRogan.net. | ||
| I assume it's from fucking Salt Lake City. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, stupid. | |
| See, I'm gonna call it wallet chains and water bottles. | ||
| Wallet chains and water bottles? | ||
| See how the more cocktails I have... | ||
| The more cocktails I have, the more likely I am to call Joe Rogan stupid. | ||
| Shit gets crazy. | ||
| I'm fucking two drinks away from fucking Taekwondo. | ||
| Did you see that photo that was on the cover of the New York Post? | ||
| The guy got thrown into the train tracks? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This man is about to die, and they see the guy trying to climb out as the train's coming. | ||
| Did you see that shit? | ||
| I didn't see the unedited. | ||
| To me, it was more evidence. | ||
| Avoid conflict at all costs. | ||
| Everybody that wants a mouth off to people in public, and want to fucking puff your chest out and flare your ego, No, that's why you go on Facebook and say something awful. | ||
| Go on YouTube. | ||
| Comment on someone's video. | ||
| Tell them to die in a fire. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Oh, you're a big man behind the keyboard. | ||
| Yeah, because I don't want to get pushed under a subway, stupid. | ||
| That's when you're supposed to be a big man. | ||
| That's called evolution, fuckface. | ||
| You're a big man when you have a gun. | ||
| That's why I get a gun. | ||
| Because you would have punched the shit out of me when I'm fucking weak. | ||
| Really, it's amazing. | ||
| You should really be applauding that someone's figured out how to not have to do squats and eat bison meat for ten years. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Pushed onto a subway track. | ||
| This man is about to die. | ||
| That is a fucked up picture. | ||
| I wanted to say, Jake LaMotta, in all his fog... | ||
| Remember when you trained me to fight Tonya Harding? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| And you actually tried to train me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, a little bit. | |
| And you laughed hysterically at my complete, absolute ignorance of physical dexterity. | ||
| She wouldn't sign the boxing gloves that I fought her with because she said, oh, people will just put this on eBay. | ||
| People being me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wait, I'm the one asking. | ||
| So you're saying people will put it on eBay. | ||
| So those boxing gloves have been hanging up in my house forever, and Jake LaMotta, in all his fog, signed them for me. | ||
| So fuck you, Tonya Harden. | ||
| You're not signing my boxing gloves, but now they're signed by Jake LaMotta. | ||
| Now they're worth a hundred times more. | ||
| You're pals with Jake LaMotta. | ||
| Does he live in Bisbee? | ||
| Yeah, there's no pal. | ||
| He doesn't know who I am. | ||
| He's come to my show. | ||
| We went to his show. | ||
| We played poker at his house in my house. | ||
| He has no idea who I am. | ||
| He's that gone. | ||
| And if you're on the stanhopecelebritydeathpool.com and you're thinking about Jake LaMotta thinking you're the first person to think of it, no. | ||
| Bingo already has him and Joey Diaz. | ||
| You're not supposed to say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I had fucking Ron Shock, and I feel bad about it. | ||
| Ron Shock was... | ||
| Is Ron gone? | ||
| Yeah, he died. | ||
| Well, you win. | ||
| But this is what happened. | ||
| For full disclosure, I had my list. | ||
| Every New Year's, me and Joby and Bingo, Joby started this. | ||
| Like, Death Pool, he started doing it for us. | ||
| And then it's such a pain in the ass to keep track of. | ||
| Like, okay, we have 38 people in our pool, and we have money on it. | ||
| But you have 38 people picking 20 celebrities. | ||
| So every day someone dies, Joby has to go through who had what, he's had a pain in the ass. | ||
| So he decided to make this website that does all that for us. | ||
| That's what stand-up celebrity death pool is. | ||
| So New Year's Eve is that's when we break out our picks. | ||
| And we all sit there like, ta-da! | ||
| Who'd you find? | ||
| Who'd you find? | ||
| And another girl, Melissa, holding in our town. | ||
| And we were too drunk to do it New Year's Eve, so New Year's morning I wake up and Vince Fluke, as a comic, emailed me, Hey, you know Ron Shock has cancer and we want to do a benefit. | ||
| And so you immediately put him on your pool. | ||
| And I'm like, we haven't released our picks yet. | ||
| Oh, you son of a bitch. | ||
| So do you feel guilty about this? | ||
| What kind of cancer? | ||
| No, I did send him some money and I promoted all of his shit. | ||
| But death pool is death pool. | ||
| It didn't affect the outcome of Ron Shock's death. | ||
| But I immediately... | ||
| I took the Iron Sheik out. | ||
| I put Ron Shock in and now I'm... | ||
| Nine days away from fucking first place. | ||
| Bingo's in third place out of 38. How much do you get for this? | ||
| It's 50 bucks a piece. | ||
| I'll get $900 for first. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| When is it over? | ||
| People are like, we thought we'd be in your death pool. | ||
| I'm going to set up a fucking open illegal gambling fucking operator. | ||
| No, if you want to gamble on your own, you do that. | ||
| But you can't be in our death pool. | ||
| Yeah, how dare you? | ||
| How dare you strangers? | ||
| Yeah, you make up your own league, we just do all the fucking book work, which is why we were going to stop doing it, because it's that much of a pain in the ass. | ||
| By the way, how beautiful would it be if this country was so free that you could have a death pool on DougStanhope.com and you could take a little taste. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| A $12 billion industry? | ||
| Hey, we need to create jobs while all the fucking illegal gambling is going to fucking UK, Caribbean, Costa Rica. | ||
| Yeah, those countries are doing fine! | ||
| Yeah, you fucks. | ||
| But they're fucking illegal gambling, and they're getting the $12 billion. | ||
| Gambling is the one main one. | ||
| Prostitution, you have the fucking Jesus, and the fucking drugs, and... | ||
| Gambling! | ||
| Gambling. | ||
| Everyone's doing it every... | ||
| Meanwhile, it's available, too. | ||
| It's just like drugs. | ||
| You can go to the fucking corner store, and you can play scratch tickets. | ||
| You can gamble on something. | ||
| Yeah, fucking... | ||
| It's like swear words that, okay, there's kind of a benefit. | ||
| There's a benefit in drugs being illegal because it's a black market fucking... | ||
| Okay, I don't have skills. | ||
| I can't get a job. | ||
| I have three kids. | ||
| Oh, I can sell pot. | ||
| You know what really drives me crazy? | ||
| Sports gambling. | ||
| The fact that sports gambling cannot be regulated. | ||
| They can't figure out a way to just say, listen, if you're an American citizen, you have to do it in American soil. | ||
| Just gamble on it. | ||
| Let's cut out all the fucking Belize and Costa Rica shit. | ||
| Look, you want to keep the economy strong? | ||
| Let's have it inside America. | ||
| Let's have legal gambling on illegal American servers that are on American soil. | ||
| The taxes go to us. | ||
| Just like government gambling lotto. | ||
| Scratch tickets only with a chance to win. | ||
| And by the way, it makes it more fun. | ||
| If you're watching a fucking football game and you have money on it, it becomes more exciting. | ||
| Even it's only ten bucks! | ||
| I bet on every football game... | ||
| On Sunday and Monday night, and now Thursday, and occasionally Saturday and Tuesday if the stadium collapses. | ||
| It's the only thing that I miss about working for the UFC is I don't gamble in the fights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No! | ||
| Well, you could call me. | ||
| I could. | ||
| I have before. | ||
| I hooked up Ari Shafir. | ||
| Ari Shafir was in Vegas, and Glover Teixeira was fighting. | ||
| He was one of the best 205-pounders in the world. | ||
| Nobody's ever heard of him. | ||
| First time in the UFC. I go, bet that. | ||
| Bet the house on this motherfucker. | ||
| I go, bet the house. | ||
| I don't tell you that. | ||
| I go, listen, this guy's a savage. | ||
| I mean, he's straight out of fucking Babylon. | ||
| Bet the house. | ||
| Bet everything. | ||
| What happened to Joey Diaz's fucking great YouTube? | ||
| UFC pics? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's busy. | ||
| Joey Diaz is too busy. | ||
| He's too busy. | ||
| The Church of What's Happening Now, his podcast is almost always in the top ten of iTunes comedy charts now. | ||
| He's crushing it. | ||
| Joey Diaz can't go. | ||
| I mean, you saw what happened when he went on stage last night. | ||
| He can't go anywhere. | ||
| Everywhere he goes, he's selling out. | ||
| Every club he goes, he's selling out. | ||
| And the club owners, these fucking cocksuckers, they don't want to recognize it, man. | ||
| They're trying to lowball him and give him shitty money. | ||
| He's selling out on like Tuesdays and Thursday nights. | ||
| And they're trying to bring him in on a weekend. | ||
| I get a whole series of fucking alternative venues. | ||
| Listen, we're going to do that. | ||
| I'm going to produce his... | ||
| He needs to have something in a physical form out there, in a video form. | ||
| And he needs a DVD. And so we're going to produce it. | ||
| Yeah, that's Christine Levine, who's like the... | ||
| She played my party, and the cops, the first time in seven years, were called to my house. | ||
| And we have live music in the backyard, but we live in a small neighborhood where everyone has to listen to everything we do, including up-tempo conversations people hear. | ||
| And she went on stage. | ||
| Within eight minutes, the police were there because of the language. | ||
| People finally called the cops. | ||
| She's fucking brilliant. | ||
| Well, you have a stage in your backyard? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That quickie says yeah. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| I have to fucking try to create some semblance of... | ||
| No, no, you don't. | ||
| You don't have to live in Bisbee. | ||
| I love Bisbee. | ||
| You can go back to Venice, that house with the flag on the front. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's right there. | |
| It's ready for you. | ||
| The one where the homeless people stab each other. | ||
| I said I do this podcast today because it's Saturday. | ||
| I know there's no traffic. | ||
| The idea of traffic. | ||
| If I fly into Chicago, I will land at fucking 1130 at night So I hate traffic more. | ||
| It just makes me crazy. | ||
| I don't have that option because I'm just too busy. | ||
| Well, you have to live here. | ||
| Yeah, but the one thing that I wouldn't give up about L.A. is all the people that I know that live in L.A. I mean, if I had to live, like I did when I lived in Colorado, I lived away from everybody, but I saw everybody when I went on the road, so it wasn't so bad. | ||
| Absence makes the heart grow. | ||
| When someone I know comes to Bisbee, I feel like I've fallen in love again. | ||
| Who comes to Bisbee? | ||
| Fucking Rouse and Henry Phillips. | ||
| We'll come. | ||
| We'll come. | ||
| Next time we do a podcast, let's do it. | ||
| No, don't come. | ||
| You would hate it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would hate it. | |
| You would fucking hate it. | ||
| Why would you think I would hate it? | ||
| Because you don't like to relax. | ||
| I do like to relax. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I can imagine you being so fucking bored there. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Listen, I like to relax. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I just like to sit around fat in pajama pants. | ||
| I don't mind doing that. | ||
| What would make you think that I don't like to relax? | ||
| Because you like to do stuff. | ||
| Yeah, but when I'm done, I like to relax. | ||
| I do like to relax. | ||
| But there's no doing stuff to get done from. | ||
| But in my regular life, though, I like that. | ||
| You could never do nothing. | ||
| I would challenge you. | ||
| To see how long you can do nothing like I do nothing. | ||
| I can sit in the same pair of pajama pants on the same couch watching the shittiest television shows and doing absolutely nothing. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| How many days? | ||
| I found myself... | ||
| Well, we were on the road once where Brendan Walsh and I realized we hadn't showered in seven days. | ||
| What?! | ||
| So we go, we should really shower, and then we made it to the 8th. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How bad do you guys smell? | ||
| You don't smell bad if you don't exert energy. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| You think you don't smell bad. | ||
| You change your socks. | ||
| You change your socks. | ||
| Yeah, but then your feet still stink. | ||
| Olfactory senses. | ||
| But the new socks cover it up. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, they do. | |
| No, you need baby powder. | ||
| Olfactory senses. | ||
| You need baby powder because you sweat because you're exerting energy by going to the store, maybe. | ||
| Going to the store. | ||
| Walking to your hotel room. | ||
| All factory senses apparently only detect changes in smell. | ||
| That's how people live in shitty areas like we drive through Pennsylvania. | ||
| Hoarders. | ||
| Hoarders. | ||
| People that live in like cow towns. | ||
| There's dead cats around your pillow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't smell it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People that go to cow towns and you know, how the fuck do people live here? | ||
| The people that live there, they don't smell it. | ||
| Because your nose detects changes in smell. | ||
| It's really weird like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how homeless people go. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I can't get a ride. | ||
| I'm stinking up your car. | ||
| Yeah, I can only sit around for a few hours. | ||
| I unfortunately have a furnace that I have to throw wood into. | ||
| I gotta keep moving. | ||
| This is who I am. | ||
| You have a furnace? | ||
| Inside me. | ||
| Inside my soul. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a metaphor for a cum. | |
| It's a metaphor for an angel cum. | ||
| Picture Joe Rogan living off the grid. | ||
| I would like to. | ||
| Look, I tried to do that. | ||
| When I lived in Colorado, I pretty much lived off the grid. | ||
| The house that I was at was like eight miles down a dirt road in the woods. | ||
| No, I mean off the grid, like Bisbee off the grid, where there's a whole community that's off the grid, solar. | ||
| This be solar? | ||
| A lot of it is solar? | ||
| No, they have a whole community off the grid. | ||
| They don't have electric bills. | ||
| It's all solar. | ||
| Yeah, no, I have no bills. | ||
| I'm setting that up at my house. | ||
| I'm setting that up at my house in California. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I think we're ridiculous to not do that if you have the availability. | ||
| Like, why would you want to be dependent? | ||
| I don't have the people. | ||
| That's the Occupy thing, where they go, no, we want to work! | ||
| I have so many things I want to spend money on in Bisbee, and there's people that know how to do it. | ||
| And I can stand on a ladder waving cash, and, well, yeah, I can think about it, and I'll maybe put a thing together to see how much, and then never hear from them again. | ||
| I want a new fucking bathroom! | ||
| My bathroom's ugly as shit! | ||
| Can't get anybody to work on it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bisbee's just devoid of contractors? | |
| Unemployment is the fucking major, or disability is the major income there. | ||
| Isn't it funny how people become addicted to like aid? | ||
| That's a strange thing with people. | ||
| Like this welfare state. | ||
| Wait, before I get fucking Bisbee turned on me, there's a lot of people that just work enough to live. | ||
| They don't want to work. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they don't have big bills. | ||
| Almost everyone watches TV on the internet on a laptop and don't pay for it. | ||
| So yeah, they'll download shit. | ||
| They just don't want to work. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| I'm completely behind it. | ||
| Well, it's an artist community, right? | ||
| Is that the idea? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Half artist, half cunts that can't work a real job. | |
| Half artist, half rednecks? | ||
| Balance. | ||
| How'd that happen? | ||
| It's the only small town I could ever live in that I've found. | ||
| Have you found anybody that's moved into that town because they're crazy Doug Stanhope fans? | ||
| One guy moved there. | ||
| Do you remember that guy? | ||
| I knew it! | ||
| One guy, but he wasn't bothersome. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| He said, I moved here because you talked about it on the internet. | ||
| But he lives in Old Bisbee. | ||
| Well, that's different. | ||
| I mean, look, if you told me one of the reasons why I moved to Boulder is someone told me about Boulder, how beautiful Boulder is. | ||
| And then I went there and I'm like, holy fuck, they were right. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with accepting correct information. | ||
| You're talking about how great you love Bisbee. | ||
| There's no money there. | ||
| Yeah, but that resonates with some people. | ||
| That's what they're looking for. | ||
| They're looking for a relaxed, sort of a sleepy... | ||
| But you can't make a living there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Unless you want to work in the deli at Safeway. | ||
| Evelyn cannot keep fucking anyone at the deli. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Safeway? | |
| Because Safeway... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Evelyn? | |
| Evelyn at the deli at Safeway? | ||
| Neighbor Dave's wife. | ||
| Oh, Neighbor Dave. | ||
| Neighbor Dave's wife, she's a deli manager. | ||
| Nobody wants to be the deli person at Safeway? | ||
| No, because all the positions pay the same, and the deli is where you lose a finger. | ||
| It's a hard job. | ||
| They're like, fuck it, I'll be a bagger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Well, that does make sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| So there's that one of my favorite bits on turning before... | ||
| Fucking referendum number two, Death Squad. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yes, get Safeway to change their fucking wage. | ||
| All right, no, that won't work. | ||
| You're going to get some crazy Death Squad character moving to fucking Bisbee to be the... | ||
| No, someone's just going to keep... | ||
| I just want to tell you, you know, you brought it up on the Joe Rogan podcast, and then I knew that I was meant to be the daily person at Bisbee in the Safeway. | ||
| There was something that was missing in my life. | ||
| I didn't even know what it said until you said that. | ||
| It was like a light went off in my head, man. | ||
| I just want to tell you, I really love you, and I really want to get your face tattooed on my body somewhere. | ||
| We've had some, oh wait, we had those people show up for football. | ||
| They were trying to find my house, because I put my address. | ||
| Hey, get a pen, people. | ||
| No! | ||
| Stop it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona. | |
| Bingo is covering our eyes. | ||
| Bingo! | ||
| No! | ||
| You live with a woman, sir. | ||
| You live with a woman. | ||
| You need to take care of her. | ||
| No, but I have people send shit to Bingo because I do this all the time and Bingo's so retarded that packages will show up. | ||
| Hang on. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That's people calling. | ||
| Why don't you just put your phone online, you fuck? | ||
| Hang on. | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| It's a thing called speakerphone. | ||
| Are you listening, Chaley? | ||
| I'm on the Joe Rogan podcast and we're just re-upping the you versus Red Band who's the better fucking tour manager slash webcast guy. | ||
| See? | ||
| My fucking guy is prescient! | ||
| Top that! | ||
| I told you already, bitch. | ||
| You got a slave. | ||
| I have a master craftsman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got a slave. | |
| I'm going to call you back. | ||
| If I text Brian, he calls me back. | ||
| Like an hour later, he goes, what's up? | ||
| That's someone with talent. | ||
| I don't have to call my guy. | ||
| I speak his name like Beetlejuice, and he calls into the show. | ||
| Yeah, because he's got no talent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's Because he's scared. | |
| Brian's out there having threesomes with porn stars and he comes back and tells me about it, okay? | ||
| I'll take my guy over yours, alright? | ||
| I'll take my guy over yours all day. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with your guy. | ||
| I'm not saying there's anything wrong you got. | ||
| I find Red Ben even more adorable than you. | ||
| Look, thank you. | ||
| I don't know what to say about that because my competitive instincts get fueled. | ||
| You must not be correct. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| You must be wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll go along with you no matter what. | |
| What were we talking about before? | ||
| Probably blowjobs and bad teeth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, those people came to your house to watch? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Someone was driving around trying to find my house and it was during football and they went to a local store in Old Bisbee and said, hey, do you know where Doug Stanhope lives? | ||
| And it's the wife of the guy that's always at football. | ||
| They just happened to go into that store and She's like, there's a guy looking around. | ||
| So she calls? | ||
| You're doing the hand up to the face? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, sorry. | |
| I did the imaginary phone hand motion. | ||
| And I go, yeah, fuck it. | ||
| It's football. | ||
| Anyone can come over during football. | ||
| So you let anybody come over your house? | ||
| For football. | ||
| For football. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| If I'm in town for football. | ||
| So let's review what we learned. | ||
| You're fucking looking like De Niro again, and I'm not even tripping. | ||
| I'm looking like De Niro again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I was Mark Babbitt. | ||
| I'm De Niro. | ||
| I'm Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| I am who I am. | ||
| Last time when I was tripping, you fucking look like De Niro. | ||
| In which one? | ||
| In Cape Fear or in Raging Bull? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But last night it was seriously Mark Babbitt because the shading of your head made you look like you had bald guy hair in the back. | ||
| I was thinking about your bad teeth thing. | ||
| You have a thing about bad teeth. | ||
| I hate to smile. | ||
| I'm miserable. | ||
| I have to give this one person props. | ||
| There's this girl who's a ring card girl for Bellator. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Oh, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like, come on, man. | ||
| That doesn't make you want to fuck again? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that picture. | ||
| Her name is Jade Bryce, but anyway, she's got, like, a gap between her teeth, but she's so hot, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Well, that's Belladonna. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's a good gap. | ||
| Yeah, but her gap is filled with, like, shitty covered dicks that came right out of butts, right in her mouth. | ||
| This girl's a little bit cleaner. | ||
| It's a little cleaner situation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Belladonna? | |
| Than this Jade Bryce girl. | ||
| Well, Belladonna is dirtier than this girl. | ||
| We've always had very different tastes in women. | ||
| Well, is Belladonna dirty? | ||
| She's a little dirty, right? | ||
| Not that it's bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| No, I like her. | ||
| She seems real. | ||
| This other girl, this Jade Bryce chick, is just simply a girl who holds up ring cards. | ||
| She's not getting ass-to-mouthed all day. | ||
| It's a different sort of a situation. | ||
| What's wrong with... | ||
| I don't know why you have to compare that girl to this girl. | ||
| I'm talking to you about one girl, and you've got to bring up another girl that you'd go. | ||
| It's like, this is confusing. | ||
| I'm trying to give some girl some props, and she doesn't get to fix her teeth, but she's got a ridiculous ass. | ||
| Look at that ass, Brian. | ||
| Can I get a witness? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's a nice ass. | |
| That's about as good as it gets. | ||
| No, I don't like that ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You don't like that ass right there? | ||
| No, it's a giant ass. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, goddammit. | ||
| That's where babies come from. | ||
| That's an alpha female. | ||
| If babies don't come out of the ass, that's why you fuck them in it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's while that fat is there to protect the cells or something. | ||
| Let the eggs grow substantial qualities. | ||
| You must have a big dick because an ass like that means I'm only getting half of mine in it because the other half of the ass is going to hold me up. | ||
| It's like an anaconda with a metal pipe shoved through it. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| Stuffed fat and... | ||
| Tied off like a ham. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what my dick's tied off like a ham. | |
| With white string. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| That's what my cock's like, goddammit. | ||
| We're all different, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Don't hate me for actually liking pussy. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I like pussy. | ||
| I've always had a different idea of what fucking beautiful is. | ||
| Yeah, well, listen, it's all subjective. | ||
| Beauty's in the eye of the beholder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For real. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of dudes. | ||
| There's websites dedicated to guys who love, like, really overweight women. | ||
| They love, like, rolls of fat. | ||
| And I think a lot of that also has to do with what you were first introduced to when you were becoming sexual. | ||
| Like, if you have a girlfriend, if you start dating... | ||
| I'm not even talking sexual. | ||
| Attractive. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Literally attractive. | ||
| Like, this attracts... | ||
| Like, you're stunning. | ||
| There's something about you that I want to keep looking at. | ||
| Right. | ||
| As far as porn goes, jacking off, yes, that probably ruined a lot of my sex drive, is I was so into porn, and it's never like that. | ||
| It's never perfectly cleaned, trimmed, sanitized, chlorine-smelling. | ||
| Unless you're partying with Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| When you're doing the Molly that smokes, then you don't care what it smells like. | ||
| He wins over your guy once again, okay? | ||
| Just one. | ||
| One more time, goddammit! | ||
| No, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| I had a girl, when I first started dating, when I was in high school, had very unusual feet. | ||
| She had weird feet. | ||
| They were kind of like... | ||
| Are we talking jerking off or just what you... | ||
| What you're sexually attracted to. | ||
| ...stops and makes you... | ||
| Honey, honey. | ||
| That girl, I think, is fucking phenomenally beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Because she's engaging, she's attracting. | ||
| You see her... | ||
| You see a... | ||
| Like, I see a commercial with a supermodel, and I look at her going, how boring would she be? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, she wouldn't want to eat a thing. | ||
| Like, all the things that race through your head, and she would be so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| No, how dare you? | ||
| That's my earliest headshot. | ||
| I was 20 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put up a link. | |
| Come to the Olive Garden. | ||
| How do you say a link to that? | ||
| As a fan of the show, I get really upset when you're doing stuff that only us are enjoying. | ||
| Well, Redband will put that on his Twitter, R-E-D-B-A-N, and you can see it. | ||
| That is my 20... | ||
| I was 21 years old. | ||
| I was an open-miker. | ||
| That was my headshot. | ||
| I had a nice head of hair. | ||
| It was really nice. | ||
| You were worried about the hair. | ||
| You got me on fucking Rogaine for a minute. | ||
| I should have shaved my head a long time ago. | ||
| When I first started doing it, it was so freeing. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| Your scar is not nearly as bad. | ||
| We have our friend Billy Bad, who's like... | ||
| He's the Jill Drogen of Alaska. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| He is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the best guy in the world. | |
| He's you. | ||
| He's the you of Alaska. | ||
| Without the funny. | ||
| He's just cool. | ||
| The coolest, nicest. | ||
| But he did the same thing you did. | ||
| But he has this Charlie Brown Frankenstein scar that goes in a triangle pattern around his head. | ||
| And now he's shaved his head. | ||
| He got to the age, you're like, fuck it. | ||
| It was the last I don't give a fuck left. | ||
| I didn't have any I-don't-give-a-fucks left. | ||
| So shaving my head was the last I-don't-give-a-fuck. | ||
| And when it happened, as soon as I did it, I was like, ah, that was it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| And your scar, to me, because like... | ||
| The only... | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would talk about that for years, about like your scar. | |
| Like, I wish I could shave my head, but I don't want to because of the scar. | ||
| It must have been like three or four years. | ||
| And once you shaved, it was like Brody Stevens' scar on his face that he always talks about and that I never see. | ||
| It was like Brody Stevens' crazy, where you're like, alright, I'm crazy, alright, now it's out. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It was like fucking Charlie Sheen going, yeah, I fucked hookers. | ||
| I'm in court. | ||
| Yeah, I made them dress up like cheerleaders. | ||
| Okay, once you stop denying it, no one cares. | ||
| Yeah, once it's out there, it's out there. | ||
| And until it's out there, it's always something you wonder. | ||
| I fucking hate the baldness is considered a disease on some levels. | ||
| Where, like, kids with cancer, and we're going to shave our head to give them hair. | ||
| Like, wait, I don't have fucking hair. | ||
| So I'm supposed to be as embarrassed as a child? | ||
| Like, I'm some kind of ghoul to a child? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Fucking some healthcare will cover baldness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what? | |
| I'm supposed to feel bad? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| Well, you know what a part of it is? | ||
| It's like a lack of control thing. | ||
| If you don't have control over something, like eyebrows are important to people. | ||
| You know why they're important to people? | ||
| Because if they fell off, you'd be like, where's my fucking eyebrows? | ||
| But if you shaved my eyebrow, my life wouldn't change at all. | ||
| Except for the fact that people would realize I don't have eyebrows anymore. | ||
| They have no fucking purpose. | ||
| And they wouldn't want to talk about it. | ||
| I would just sharpie them in like a Mexican gangbanger chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A chica! | |
| Come on, bitch! | ||
| I'll stab you! | ||
| I'll cut you! | ||
| The internet will change how we feel about honesty across the board. | ||
| I think it already has, hasn't it? | ||
| Well, to the point where now you will be open about things because someone's going to say it about you on Facebook. | ||
| Oh, the guy next to me has the fucking weirdest eyebrows. | ||
| And he's going to be, I'm going to hit on the chick in the cubicle next to me. | ||
| Oh wait, she's talking about me. | ||
| I'm the only one with no eyebrows. | ||
| And then these people will be open about stuff. | ||
| That whole level of politeness that has nothing to do with civility. | ||
| It's not being rude. | ||
| Oh, you have a flipper arm. | ||
| What's that like? | ||
| Yeah, it's just actually asking a question. | ||
| Of course, you're different. | ||
| People are going to be intrigued. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, did you remember, I don't know if you paid attention at all, but the Olympics, that guy that was running who had fake legs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was really running really fast. | ||
| So you're like these prosthetic, like, springy legs. | ||
| Yeah, but steroids are illegal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Bionic man, fine. | ||
| We had this guy on the podcast, Daniel Wilson. | ||
| He's a robotics expert. | ||
| He's written some books on robotics. | ||
| And he was talking to us. | ||
| He goes, how long before the first guy cuts his legs off and puts bionic legs on? | ||
| And when he said it, my whole body just went... | ||
| Why didn't I think of that first? | ||
| No, that's not what I thought of. | ||
| I thought of the actual guy lying there with a tube down his throat, shutting him off while they're sawing his fucking legs off. | ||
| And I was terrified. | ||
| I literally, like, cuddled up with myself, like, thinking about, I know someone one day is going to cut off their perfectly good legs for some fucking bionic legs. | ||
| Or even if it's not to win a medal, it's just to have bionic legs. | ||
| Oh, recognition. | ||
| Ego is the biggest motherfucker. | ||
| Not even if it's recognition, just the ability. | ||
| How about if somebody... | ||
| Okay, listen. | ||
| How fast do you need to run in a world full of cars? | ||
| Listen, let me ask you this. | ||
| If they came out with fucking legs, and these bionic legs allowed you to jump over buildings, literally allowed you to go Incredible Hulk style, And just leap like a fucking airplane and fly through space. | ||
| Why wouldn't you want to do that? | ||
| But you would have to sit there while they saw your hip off and try to cut your bleeding off at the fucking arteries around your legs. | ||
| The femoral artery. | ||
| If they cut that with a knife, it sprays out and you bleed out. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| One of the worst ways to die is getting shot in the thigh. | ||
| You get shot in the thigh, it blows out your artery. | ||
| You're dead. | ||
| That's how that got from the Redskins. | ||
| Someone just died getting shot in the fucking thigh. | ||
| Yeah, getting shot in the thigh, car accidents. | ||
| You don't have to back off like we're saying Sandy Hook because it wasn't overly publicized. | ||
| Yeah, if it was overly publicized, we apologize. | ||
| Somebody had something they put on Twitter that was so fucking poignant when that Sandy Hook thing was going on. | ||
| They said, 20 kids die in Connecticut, and it is a national outrage. | ||
| But 150,000 die from starvation? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's the one I retweeted. | ||
| They wrote, 1,000 die from drone strikes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, maybe that's the one I retweeted. | |
| Well, I bet there was a lot of those. | ||
| I mean, it wasn't one person who made that obvious conclusion of the hypocrisy of the way we look at things. | ||
| We have a really crazy way of looking at things. | ||
| Look, there's a lot of innocent children that have died. | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| As a father now, which I try to avoid that thought, Not nearly as much as the idea that Joey Diaz is a father, which I actually did the calculations of today out front waiting for you to show up. | ||
| It's like, okay, got Joey Diaz in the death pool, but he's about to be a father. | ||
| That's going to give him more reason to live. | ||
| And I'm like a prognosticator at the horse track. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's good on a wet track, but... | |
| That's funny. | ||
| But you, as a father, did you feel anything about Sandy Hook? | ||
| I felt two things. | ||
| One thing I felt is for the actual kid who did that. | ||
| Emotionally? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm talking emotionally. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I felt in two situations. | ||
| One, I felt for the actual child that became that fucking monster that's gunning down children And, you know, his mother and whoever else he killed, his teachers. | ||
| I felt for that guy because you don't get to the point where you're showing up at a school and just shooting children unless you're in horrific pain. | ||
| I don't know what was going on with him psychologically and there's a lot of people that they really shy away from. | ||
| I'm not having any empathy towards someone who does horrific things, but everyone who does horrific things does horrific things because they're in pain. | ||
| There's no other way to do it. | ||
| There's no other reason to lash out. | ||
| There's no way that guy did that for the reason I would want to kill a lot of people. | ||
| Mine is completely out of logical, sheer focused anger. | ||
| You don't shoot a bunch of children. | ||
| Real eugenics, like the idea of eugenics, like just weeding out all the people that want to kill people, weeding out all the people who are sociopaths, weeding out all the people who are psychopaths, which is what you do in any other natural ecosystem, whether it's with animals. | ||
| If you have a bunch of animals and you have some goats running and one goat keeps killing the baby goats, you shoot that goat and then you don't have that problem anymore. | ||
| But with human beings, this is like this ethical consideration of who this person is. | ||
| It makes no sense. | ||
| It does make no sense. | ||
| There does need to be some sort of a pragmatic, like removing people like that from the population. | ||
| But also we have to realize what takes a baby. | ||
| When you have children, one of the things about having children that changed me... | ||
| Is just the realization... | ||
| Doug Stanley made me smoke a cigarette last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| Oh, that's right! | ||
| I took two hits off the goddamn cigarette. | ||
| He choked like I did on his weed. | ||
| Ugh, it's so gross. | ||
| But it did give me a... | ||
| I was totally head-rushing. | ||
| But having a child, when you have a baby, one of the things you realize is the massive responsibility that you have because this is a bundle of potential. | ||
| That this child could turn out completely fucked up or completely beautiful and amazing. | ||
| And I don't mean beautiful looking. | ||
| I mean the way they behave, the way they communicate with people, that people are going to be enriched and their life is going to be better because they come in contact with this human being. | ||
| But did not the parents of the Sandy Hook shooter have the same expectations of that child? | ||
| Of course they did. | ||
| But that's the hubris of parents thinking that because you're bright, you have control over your child. | ||
| You can have the best intentions. | ||
| This is what Todd, I did Todd Glass's podcast, and this whole conversation spiraled out of control because he wasn't understanding what I'm saying. | ||
| Because you're a parent doesn't mean that you have any control over what your child's going to become. | ||
| Well, I don't think it's an either-or situation. | ||
| I think that's the real problem, is that just because some people have this idea that you have this bundle of potential, this child that's essentially a blank slate in front of you, and you would like them to be a productive citizen, that doesn't mean that the people who create a Sandy Hook person have those same intentions in mind. | ||
| because a lot of people have babies and they just have a fucking baby and they just live and they fuck the kid up with whatever they're fucked up with and they don't have a lot of objectivity they don't have a lot of self-awareness and they don't have a lot of like understanding of the greater picture of what it is to take a essentially a bundle of potential and neurons which is a baby and and turn it into a full functioning human being It's a massive responsibility. | ||
| And people don't look at it like the massive responsibility that it is. | ||
| But what you're saying is you still think you have control if you have a kid that's fucked up. | ||
| No, I do not. | ||
| No, I do not. | ||
| I do not. | ||
| Because I know that, first of all... | ||
| The Patton Oswalt bit, I fucking love from it. | ||
| He had a bit about... | ||
| Kids always rebel against their parents, so I'm going to be the worst parent in the world. | ||
| I'm going to be the biggest douche. | ||
| I'm going to have Phil Collins' No Jacket Required album framed on the mantelpiece just so my kids are cool. | ||
| They don't always rebel. | ||
| I know people don't rebel against their parents. | ||
| It made me think of that bit. | ||
| I think human beings rebel against someone who tells them what to do. | ||
| And the only time a person tells a kid what to do where it makes sense is where the kid is explained to them in a way that alleviates all of their concerns that you're trying to control them. | ||
| All their concerns that you're insensitive to their own individual rights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If they're like you. | |
| Not if they're like you. | ||
| If they're a bundle of potential... | ||
| No, I'm saying if they are like you, then you can explain this. | ||
| But if they reject that and they have their own act... | ||
| Well, that's what you don't understand. | ||
| They don't reject that from the start because children, they don't really have a set of morals and you can explain to them as time goes on what is wrong or right about certain situations. | ||
| They will absorb a certain amount of it and you can continue to provide good examples. | ||
| The real issue is that raising a kid is not as simple as people like to pretend it is. | ||
| It's a massive amount of work. | ||
| Fuck you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Sorry, I just wanted to throw in some kind of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a massive... | |
| Something to keep the listener engaged. | ||
| Oh, this is going somewhere. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| Look, what a kid is, it's like having a PhD thesis and you're giving it to any retard and say, hey, fill this out, figure it out. | ||
| And you don't tell them what to do. | ||
| You're like, fill this out. | ||
| Some people are just naturally... | ||
| We're going to write some incredible thesis. | ||
| They're going to have some new points that haven't been considered by science. | ||
| And some kids are going to shoot up sand. | ||
| And some people are going to wipe their ass with it, and they're going to put sand in it, and they're going to throw it in the ocean. | ||
| The amount of... | ||
| Room for error and the amount of possibility in raising a child is so monumental that most people are going to get it wrong, just like most people are going to get wrong their own objective perceptions of themselves. | ||
| How many people really see themselves the way the other people around them see it? | ||
| I feel like the only listeners now are the same people who listen to Art Bell. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Right now, I feel... | ||
|
unidentified
|
People at work. | |
| There's people that have kids, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| No, I just feel like right now we've delved into fucking Up All Night. | ||
| No, we haven't because what we're talking about is some really important shit. | ||
| What we're talking about is what... | ||
| That's why people tune out. | ||
| But it's fascinating. | ||
| What is it that makes a person a psycho? | ||
| What is it that makes a person awesome? | ||
| I mean, look, you and I both had very different childhoods, but we essentially found our own path. | ||
| Instead of being guided. | ||
| That's what I was going to say. | ||
| I'm basing a lot of this on Intervention is one of our favorite shows. | ||
| And Hoarders does the same thing to an extent where they start out with the problem and then they coast into a montage of their childhood. | ||
| And they try to, at least if not pinpoint... | ||
| Allude to, well, then their parents got divorced. | ||
| And she missed her father. | ||
| Or then she was touched by an uncle. | ||
| But they try to find something in the childhood that's responsible with no science whatsoever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That is responsible for why now they're fucking shitting in a dumpster and a fucking crack bitch. | ||
| And when you say science, that's really important because it's purely anecdotal evidence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| You would have to take two people, make them live... | ||
| It's as bad as fucking astrology. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It absolutely is. | ||
| And that's a very good point, the way you just said that. | ||
| I really would love to fucking meet Dr. Drew face to face. | ||
| I would love to set that up because that was one of my favorite bits about turning the gun on himself as well. | ||
| It's like, you fucking nailed it. | ||
| Like, what is your cure? | ||
| And it's God. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's a higher power. | ||
| That's all they have. | ||
| It's the biggest breach of separation of church and state is where people get a DUI and they're forced to go to AA for two or six weeks where they have to pretend to believe in God. | ||
| You motherfuckers. | ||
| It's absolutely, again, enraging. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Not on the language, fuck is a bad word level, but still. | ||
| But here's the thing, is they always try to blame the parents. | ||
| My parents were great. | ||
| I'm a fuck-up. | ||
| Hold up, stop. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| You're not a fuck-up. | ||
| In the eyes of all of those types of shows, I would be seen as some pathetic... | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You wouldn't. | |
| Oh, you're gonna die. | ||
| Only if they're misinformed. | ||
| You know what that's like? | ||
| The eyes of that show is like if someone gets brought in and the person... | ||
| It happens to be a person who has asthma and you don't have a doctor present to say, well, what causes asthma? | ||
| Okay? | ||
| If you were on a show and they were saying, well, there's something wrong with this, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Doug Stanhope likes a drink. | ||
| He drinks almost every day. | ||
| I would have to step in because I would say, well, you understand comics. | ||
| See, I'm an expert on comics. | ||
| This is a comic. | ||
| This is how it works. | ||
| And you don't get comics like that unless you get all the other shit as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| Are we cool? | ||
| All right, good. | ||
| Now go back to judging fucking mailroom workers and... | ||
| Fucking insurance salesman. | ||
| Because when it comes to comics, that's where I'm an expert. | ||
| So you're not a fuck-up. | ||
| You're not a fuck-up because you put out a good solid hour every year and a half, and there's only one way to fucking do that, okay? | ||
| It's to do it Doug Stanhope style. | ||
| The way you're doing it is the exact correct way to do it. | ||
| And if you took those assholes and you said, hey, listen, I want to take We take time away from working at LA Fitness and being the guy who recruits new people to be personal trainers. | ||
| What I want you to do is put together an hour of solid, subversive stand-up material where you really analyze society's woes and break it down in a way that's not just going to be poignant, but it's also going to elicit a reaction out of people. | ||
| It's going to make them laugh. | ||
| Belly laugh, howl. | ||
| I want you to take points to the point where you think it's uncomfortable and socially unacceptable and go about a hundred yards past that into some horrible place where you long for the moment where you thought that he was out of line in the beginning, which was four minutes ago. | ||
| That guy can't do that. | ||
| So that guy would be a fuck-up if he tried to do your job. | ||
| Oh, you turn the forklift in the wrong direction and hit some cans. | ||
| You need to be on intervention. | ||
| Stan, I hope you missed three tags in that hour. | ||
| We've got seven minutes to go before our recording turns into a pumpkin. | ||
| We've hit the three-hour mark. | ||
| You're the shit, man. | ||
| I wish you lived here, but I don't. | ||
| Because every time you come back here, it's like Christmas. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| When someone shows up in Bisbee, I hug them. | ||
| Listen, this show that we did last night... | ||
| Bingo said the other day, I'm ready to get out of... | ||
| We were off work for two weeks, and she's like, I'm ready to get out of town. | ||
| Let's go on the road. | ||
| I go, we're going to be on the road for a fucking one night for the Rogan thing, and we're going to be... | ||
| I can't wait to get back home. | ||
| Right now, you can't wait already? | ||
| I'm always fucking greener pastures, man. | ||
| Everything I'm not in is better. | ||
| That's what makes you a comic, man. | ||
| That's what people don't understand. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| We all have our own place in this crazy spectrum of life. | ||
| Your place is right there. | ||
| Oh, let me plug Super Bowl and Bisbee. | ||
| You have to fucking get your own place. | ||
| I already have fucking the houses are full, but you can stay at the Shady Dell. | ||
| Well, you're going to, first of all, let's just plug the fact that you're going to let people come to your house and watch the game. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Listen, we're putting this on the internet. | ||
| One million people will listen to this. | ||
| They're coming from everywhere. | ||
| I live so far away, I can't get you to come to my house, much less a crazy person. | ||
| You say can't, that's incorrect. | ||
| The correct is haven't gotten me. | ||
| I will. | ||
| The point is, I live so far away, crazy people have to be really fucking crazy. | ||
| And those are the ones you've got to worry about, and they're coming. | ||
| The point is, no, we have a show. | ||
| Listen to this lineup. | ||
| They're coming on donkeys. | ||
| Fucking Andy Andrist. | ||
| Christine Levine, Sean Rouse, JT Haberset, Fucking someone I'm forgetting and I'm hosting is Friday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stopka. | |
| Junior Stopka! | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| How many followers does he have? | ||
| Let's check right now. | ||
| When you said that, I was just about to check. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| Go with... | ||
| All at the Bisbee Royale. | ||
| Fucking Best Bar in Bisbee. | ||
| Brand new. | ||
| Where is Junior Stopka? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I just followed him. | ||
| At Junior Stopka. | ||
| Okay, hold on. | ||
| So that's Friday night. | ||
| The show is at the Bisbee Royale. | ||
| Friday night... | ||
| Fucking six of my favorite fucking comics in the world. | ||
| 1,350. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We really got them over 100. People listen to this shit later. | |
| You weak ass bitches. | ||
| But there's more than... | ||
| I don't know though. | ||
| There's thousands of them that are listening to right now. | ||
| Who listens to fucking podcasts live? | ||
| A lot of people. | ||
| I listen to shit in a car. | ||
| The hardcore freaks. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| The hardcore freaks. | ||
| Well, we have 53. At Junior Stopka. | ||
| And they're really upset. | ||
| They're really upset by your video quality. | ||
| Well, they're probably all in fucking Iceland or New Zealand and they're not going to see Junior Stopka anyway. | ||
| Or Alaska. | ||
| They will. | ||
| They will. | ||
| They're traveling. | ||
| They're going to come to your house. | ||
| If you want to come to Doug Stanhope's house for Super Bowl, the address is... | ||
| 212 Van Dyke Street. | ||
| Like Dick Van Dyke. | ||
| Bisbee... | ||
| AZ 85603. Put it in your GPS. Put it in your GPS. But you're not staying there. | ||
| Take your meds. | ||
| Come for the party. | ||
| Take your meds. | ||
| If you're coming, let me know. | ||
| Because my brother flies out from Rhode Island to do barbecue for people. | ||
| He expects 80 people. | ||
| If we're going to have fucking 150... | ||
| Yeah, let him know. | ||
| Or don't eat. | ||
| If your hands are sweaty, wipe them off before you shake his hand. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| Friday night is the comedy show. | ||
| That's a strong fucking lineup. | ||
| That's a strong lineup. | ||
| Saturday will be local musicians at my house. | ||
| And Sunday is the game. | ||
| Are you performing Friday night as well? | ||
| I'm hosting. | ||
| You're not going to do a long set? | ||
| No, you don't fucking host. | ||
| Son of a bitch! | ||
| You don't shit what you eat or sleep? | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| You need to do a goddamn set. | ||
| I've done it twice. | ||
| When you have to see a town of 6,000 people and someone doesn't look at you in the eye, they look at you and then look down. | ||
| Maybe they're just looking down, but in your head you're going, they saw my show and they hate me. | ||
| Doug Stanhope, you have a mission. | ||
| The mission is to convert that town to the cult of Stanhope. | ||
| That's why you don't work cruise ships. | ||
| The Stanhope Sausage Factory, what is it? | ||
| The Sausage Crew? | ||
| No, we're fucking... | ||
| Sausage Army is Death Squad now! | ||
| We're just a branch. | ||
| It's a branch of Death Squad. | ||
| We've been overtaken by Death Squad. | ||
| Powerful Death Squad wins again, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The Doug Stanhope experience can be found at DougStanhope.com. | ||
| You can follow Doug on Twitter, DougStanhope, at DougStanhope on Twitter. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you, Doug. | ||
| Stand up. | ||
| Thanks to audible.com for being there for us, you dirty fucks. | ||
| Chaley fucking crushes Red Band! | ||
| I don't know what you're saying. | ||
| Hannigan and Sussman. | ||
| That's a fucking... | ||
| That's the Junior Del Santos fucking... | ||
| Cain Velasquez. | ||
| Cain Velasquez. | ||
| That's next weekend, you dirty bitches. | ||
| I'm gonna be watching. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| From Florida. | ||
| While I'm fighting, of course. | ||
| Are you gonna be in Florida? | ||
| Oh, your court hearing. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| If you get free, come to Vegas. | ||
| I'll hook you up. | ||
| Thanks to... | ||
| Look, thanks to everybody that came last night. | ||
| I think I speak for Doug. | ||
| Oh, Chaley's coming to the Super Bowl! | ||
| Are you coming to the Super Bowl? | ||
| He's got shit to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lost! | |
| We had... | ||
| Last night, for real, was probably the greatest night of our comedy. | ||
| We'll do it again in Vegas. | ||
| We're going to do it again. | ||
| We're going to do it again in bigger places. | ||
| We'll do it again in Vegas. | ||
| We'll do it again in LA. We'll do it again in as many places as we can. | ||
| Last night was amazing. | ||
| I don't know what to say other than the shit that I say over and over again. | ||
| I just couldn't be happier. | ||
| I don't know how it all happened, but I'm happy as fuck. | ||
| Thanks to audible.com. | ||
| Go to audible.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Get 30 free days and one free audio book. | ||
| It is a great service and they are a great supporter of the podcast. | ||
| Go to... | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and you can save yourself 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| And one of the things that I always like to stress about Onnit is that Onnit has a 100% money-back guarantee on all supplements for the first 90 days. | ||
| Are we running out of time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we have like seconds then. | |
| Suck it! | ||
| Bingo took all the super brain to cure her mental illness. | ||
| See you soon, fuckfaces! | ||
| I love the shit out of ya! |
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