Dec. 18, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:48:59
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
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| this fucking podcast was brought to you by me leaving the laptop volume on uh-uh-uh-uh This podcast updated URL for audible.com. | ||
| If you go to audible.com forward slash Joe, you will know what I'm about to talk about, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What am I about to talk about? | ||
| You know what I didn't do the other day? | ||
| The last time my dumbass did the podcast, And did an audible ad. | ||
| I forgot to say the URL. I thought I did. | ||
| I think I said it at the end, but I didn't say it at the beginning. | ||
| Since Audible is a very nice customer and I think they have a great product, we're going to do it again. | ||
| Audible.com slash Joe. | ||
| You get Audible free for 30 days and you get a free audio book. | ||
| It's pretty fucking badass. | ||
| I've been reading this book called Sex at Dawn. | ||
| And it's Duncan Trussell turned me on to it, this guy, Dr. Christopher Ryan. | ||
| We're going to get him in on the podcast. | ||
| Really, really interesting stuff about how monkeys used to fuck Joe Diaz and how it turned us into people. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| Edumacate yourself, ladies and gentlemen, and do it through audible.com. | ||
| The beautiful thing about Audible is that not only do they have a fuckload of audio books that you can listen to, But they also have a thing called Whisper Sync for the Amazon Kindle Fire. | ||
| And it's amazing. | ||
| What it is is you read the book, say if you're reading it on the Kindle, and then you get in your car, it syncs up to your phone, so it plays you the audio version read by professional actors. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| It syncs up to where you left off. | ||
| So if you leave off the beginning of page 34, boom, that's where it picks up in your car. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It makes commuting so much better. | ||
| As does podcasting. | ||
| And you listen, we hear that from you people all the time, and we appreciate the fuck out of it. | ||
| We really, really do. | ||
| I think Jamie's about to lock the door and he shouldn't. | ||
| But the Audible.com sponsorship is, for me, it's a great one because Audible has done a lot to support comedians. | ||
| There's a lot of comedy shows and comedy CDs and stuff that's on Audible. | ||
| And back in the day, Audible, when the internet was really young, Audible was taking a lot of chances with comedians. | ||
| And I know they had Steve Marmel and a couple other guys. | ||
| They did weekly shows that they uploaded to Audible. | ||
| All the new stuff of the week. | ||
| They tried to do five or ten minutes of new stand-up each week. | ||
| And it was a lot of pressure to do to come up with that kind of material that you'd want recorded. | ||
| Audible is pretty badass. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Audible.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| You get 30 days for free and you get a free audio book. | ||
| You fuckers. | ||
| You fuckers. | ||
| We're also brought to you, as always, by Onnit.com. | ||
| Onnit.com, makers of supplements, fitness equipment, and even food. | ||
| You don't have to lock it yet, man. | ||
| He's not done. | ||
| He's got to fix something. | ||
| If you go to Onnit, you will see all the various new things that we sell. | ||
| We have medicine balls now, and wall balls, these balls you throw up against the wall, and these things called steel bells. | ||
| They're really awkward and heavy, and you pick them up and fucking slam them and throw them. | ||
| Battle ropes. | ||
| Kettlebells and all the stuff that we sell is the type of fitness equipment that you're seeing if you're watching any shows where you see UFC countdown shows where guys have to do these brutal strength and conditioning workouts. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who don't like doing this stuff. | ||
| A lot of guys just like to do their martial arts workouts and that's it. | ||
| But the guys who are doing strength and conditioning, they have a significant advantage. | ||
| And that advantage is this stuff is fucking brutal, but it puts your body in incredible shape for work. | ||
| If you can get through a kettlebell workout like the Keith Weber kettlebell workouts that we sell on it, those are the ones that we had talked about for a long-ass time before we had ever gotten them to sell. | ||
| They were so good, I just kept talking about it. | ||
| It wasn't that I was... | ||
| I'm just completely being honest. | ||
| His kettlebell DVD beats my ass. | ||
| It's called the Extreme Kettlebell Cardio Workout. | ||
| It's fucking wicked. | ||
| I mean, it's the best cardio kettlebell workout I've ever done. | ||
| It's a motherfucking heart attack with a 35-pound kettlebell. | ||
| For real. | ||
| It's a heart attack. | ||
| It's badass. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| That's on OnIt.com. | ||
| Along with AlphaBrain, ShroomTech, all the various supplements, all of them are explained on Onnit.com, if you don't know what the fuck we're talking about, and if you use the code name ROGAN. You save 10% off any and all of those supplements. | ||
| You dirty bitches. | ||
| Joey motherfucking Diaz is here, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And this is our 300th episode. | ||
| Praise Shiva. | ||
| Praise Odin. | ||
| The gods have aligned and brought us to 300 fucking episodes. | ||
| Red band, high five. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| Here we are. | ||
| And we're here with the baddest motherfucker in the history of the universe. | ||
| Joey, go. | ||
| Marco Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
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Bam! | |
| The Jack Brogan experience. | ||
| Showing my name, Joe Rumpkin podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I got one thing to say. | ||
| First of all, I got a bunch of things to say. | ||
| I want to say, Skullcandy, thanks for sending us these awesome headphones. | ||
| But Skullcandy, why do you have a fucking button that shuts them off? | ||
| Because if I'm DJing... | ||
| This button is silly. | ||
| That's a silly bitch of a button. | ||
| Well, it's just because we constantly, accidentally hit it and we think something more insane is broke. | ||
| And so then we're trying to... | ||
| Fix something that doesn't... | ||
| Yeah, the podcast was delayed by a solid 20 seconds because I was scrambling to try to figure out how to fix that shit. | ||
| Last night a DJ saved my life Joey Coco Diaz will be joining me and our pal Douglas Stanhope who will also be on the podcast this Saturday afternoon and Joey Coco Diaz will be joining me and Doug Stanhope and Honey Honey Band Friday at the end of the world. | ||
| Basically sold out. | ||
| There's like single tickets left that are scattered around the room. | ||
| People coming in from all over the world. | ||
| We're very excited, and we're hoping that if we have a good show, the world won't actually end. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think we can keep it together. | ||
| I think we can keep this simulation together, Joe Diaz. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| I hope so, brother. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I don't want it to end. | ||
| It's too much fun. | ||
| Fuck no, but a lot of things have been happening, so, you know, a lot of weird shit happened this year, so maybe they're not to something, but I don't think it's going to end. | ||
| I think it's just changed how we're living. | ||
| There's something that we were talking about before the show where there's a page that shows all the various... | ||
| I retweeted it. | ||
| It shows all these school shootings and what drugs the young kids were on. | ||
| Whether it was 14-year-olds on Prozac, whether it's Paxil, Zoloft, I mean, it's incredible. | ||
| If you look at the history of school shootings from, you know, I mean, it goes all the way back to 1992. Kids that were on drugs that were in the 1990s, they were putting people on different meds and Some of these kids wind up being school shooters. | ||
| Does that mean the kid wasn't already fucked up and wasn't already really troubled to begin with and maybe the fucking drugs kept him from doing something even more horrible earlier? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But you gotta look at this. | ||
| This thing is crazy. | ||
| It's like 2008, school shooting, Paxil withdrawal. | ||
| Prozac withdrawal, rather. | ||
| 2008, Prozac and Paxil. | ||
| Zoloft. | ||
| Zoloft. | ||
| Med for depression. | ||
| Med for depression. | ||
| Med for depression withdrawal. | ||
|
unidentified
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Antidepressant. | |
| Zoloft. | ||
| Antidepressant. | ||
| Antidepressant. | ||
| And this is like, each school shooting, each one of these kids is on one of these fucking things. | ||
| SSRIs, meds for depression, antidepressant. | ||
| I mean, I'm reading off, like, virtually every school shooting. | ||
| I mean, this is a fucking crazy situation if every one of those shooters is on psych meds. | ||
| Does that mean that the psych meds are causing it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, that doesn't mean that. | ||
| What it does mean is that you're dealing with some very fucked up people, which we know by the results. | ||
| But that... | ||
| That connection should at least be investigated. | ||
| We need to understand what the fuck is going on. | ||
| Even if it's only a small percentage of the population who have these psychotic episodes, how many people have very similar thoughts and don't act? | ||
| How many people have extreme feelings of detachment and don't report it? | ||
| Does that map show the people that are not on anything also? | ||
| Like, no prescription medicine? | ||
| No, this one is just all of the different school shootings that were connected to kids on drugs. | ||
| Let's Google that, though. | ||
| That's a really good point. | ||
| Yeah, because what if it was like, you know, 90% not on something? | ||
| Yeah, well, I don't think so, because there would have to be too many shootings. | ||
| There's so many in the Prozac ones. | ||
| It's like, come on, how many have there been? | ||
| There's so many in the antidepressant one. | ||
| School shootings from kids not on antidepressants. | ||
| Joey, did you have a lot of people in your school growing up that brought guns? | ||
| Or did you ever have any? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| That didn't exist, right? | ||
| This is just something. | ||
| I was just thinking about Joe's age. | ||
| Because I wanted to ask Joe a question. | ||
| When you were in the 8th, 7th, and 6th grade, if a kid went to the meds office to take meds in the daytime, we all thought he was fucking crazy. | ||
| We all thought he was crazy when I was a kid. | ||
| I never heard of all these pills till lately. | ||
| Me personally, when a parent tells me that their kid's on something, I want to smack the parent. | ||
| But again, it's none of my business how you raise your child. | ||
| I have my own problems. | ||
| But you're giving these, like I told Joe, you're giving these kids pills, and it really is because you're not... | ||
| You're not working on parenting. | ||
| You're cutting yourself short. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is, your kid needs attention. | ||
| Somebody told me that with children, you have to put the time in now, or if not, you have to put the time in later. | ||
| When he had his daughters, both his daughters, he was very involved. | ||
| You know, we sit and talk like men on this podcast. | ||
| After the situation on Friday, I read everybody. | ||
| I didn't say anything on Twitter or Facebook. | ||
| I'm not one of those people who's going to talk shit because I don't know what the fuck's going on. | ||
| I wasn't there. | ||
| But I will tell you where I was. | ||
| Between the ages of seven and ten, my mother was married to a very violent man. | ||
| Not towards me or my mother, but he was very violent. | ||
| I.e., I seen him shoot somebody in the leg when I was eight. | ||
| Shoot! | ||
| Not hear about it, not because somebody told me. | ||
| I seen him throw two wicked beatings on people, and I seen him stab a few people. | ||
| His weapon of choice was having a knife. | ||
| Do you know when I was eight, Joe, my mother had the big house with the bedrooms, but she made my bedroom the attic, and I was very scared of sleeping up there. | ||
| And I would throw a tantrum like any other child who's eight or seven. | ||
| You have children. | ||
| We're scared. | ||
| We heard the boogeyman. | ||
| Do you know this guy used to give me a gun with a silencer? | ||
| When you were eight? | ||
|
unidentified
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Eight. | |
| Give me a gun with a silence. | ||
| He said, there ain't no spirits. | ||
| If you see a spirit, you shoot him. | ||
| And I put the thing down next to him, and I go to bed. | ||
| And he come up in the morning before my mother come up, and he go, give me the gun back. | ||
| And I give him the gun with the fucking silence, and he go downstairs. | ||
| This is Juan Tuerro now. | ||
| I've been ashamed to tell this story, but I have to admit it. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You ever see me fucking... | ||
| You ever see me with a weapon and a knife? | ||
| A gun is crazy. | ||
| You, Redman? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| Have I ever taken a weapon out of my car? | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, though. | ||
| Wasn't there a Jay Moore situation? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but I didn't have a gun. | ||
| You told him you had a gun. | ||
| No, I had a gun three doors away as protection, but I didn't have it on me. | ||
| I still have that gun. | ||
| But what happened in that? | ||
| No, it doesn't matter what I'm talking about. | ||
| But it does matter. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What I'm talking about here is that you've never ever seen me, you know, I never snapped. | ||
| One had a 007 knife, which your generation remembers. | ||
| I remember those. | ||
| It was like a buck knife. | ||
| Like a buck knife with a fucking wooden handle that actually said 007. Yeah, 007. That was what he carried in his fucking painter's pants. | ||
| In the 70s, when you wore painter's pants, it didn't mean that you were a painter. | ||
| It means you were packing fucking a knife that would stab your fucking throat off. | ||
| Well, if you're in Arizona and you see a gentleman with a fanny pack on, there's a gun in that thing, most likely. | ||
| Especially if he's got his shirt tucked into his pants. | ||
| I was raised around weapons from that age? | ||
| I was raised around... | ||
| Drugs. | ||
| And at 15, whatever, I had a bad situation that happened in my house. | ||
| And I was still connected with weapons or whatever. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It never gave me the urge to take a weapon and shoot somebody or whatever. | ||
| As angry as I was at the world. | ||
| But I guarantee if I had thrown some kind of drug on me at the age of 12 or 13, I would have possibly been able to do something like that. | ||
| So there's different variables here, Joe. | ||
| I was raised around weapons. | ||
| So for them to say it's a weapon's fault breaks my fucking heart. | ||
| That's not fair. | ||
| I was raised around weapons and I'm unstable. | ||
| We've all agreed on that situation in the fucking room. | ||
| So when I hear that shit, it breaks my heart. | ||
| So, do you think that it's possible? | ||
| Like, you've been in altered states of consciousness where you went on benders and you weren't in the right frame of mind. | ||
| You know, could you imagine that some of these people could be on something that really sort of disconnects them with the normal everyday feelings that we all have? | ||
| I mean, we don't understand what the real developmental effects of a lot of these things are. | ||
| We have vague ideas of whether or not it's quote-unquote helping people. | ||
| But there's not a lot known about the long-term effects of raising young people on these types of medications. | ||
| There hasn't been hundreds of years of research done on it. | ||
| You know, there hasn't been a lot of anecdotal evidence that's been studied and carefully reviewed. | ||
| There's a lot of people pushing shit on kids just to calm them the fuck down. | ||
| And they're not exactly sure what the repercussions are going to be when that guy turns 25. At 18, we're not stable. | ||
| We weren't stable, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
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I wasn't stable. | |
| I know you weren't. | ||
| I know I definitely weren't. | ||
| I got super lucky, man. | ||
| I could have gone down some really bad roads, but I found martial arts at a really early age. | ||
| So by the time I was 15, I was completely obsessed with martial arts. | ||
| That's all I did with my time. | ||
| And I watched all these kids around me thrashing around trying to find their place in the world and not having anything that tests them or defines them. | ||
| And I realized very early on that I was really lucky to find the martial arts. | ||
| And even though martial arts consumed me To the point where I paid very little attention to school work. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck about school work, dude. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I had nightmares that I was going to fail and have to go back because in my nightmares I was trying to figure out whether I'd go back at all, whether I'd just tell them to go fuck themselves. | ||
| I thought about telling them to go fuck themselves when I was 16 because I heard that you can quit school when you were 16. I'm like, what am I getting out of this that I can't get out of books? | ||
| This is not... | ||
| I guess socially am I getting something out of it? | ||
| I was trying to analyze it myself. | ||
| But I barely paid attention. | ||
| All I gave a fuck was training. | ||
| That's all I cared about. | ||
| I quit. | ||
| Did you quit? | ||
| What year was it? | ||
| My senior year. | ||
| You just said fuck it. | ||
| I had to quit. | ||
| I needed to make a living. | ||
| And then I ended up going back in January and I felt really bad about quitting. | ||
| Did you get a GED or a diploma? | ||
| There was two political genres in my hometown. | ||
| So the one political genre was the one that pushed me. | ||
| The other political genre wanted me to fuck out of there. | ||
| So by the time I got back in, the other political genre was in and they said I missed graduating by a credit. | ||
| I had no reason to walk down and get a graduate anyway, because I had no family there. | ||
| So I didn't give a fuck about a diploma or shaking somebody's hand. | ||
| But it was important to me to get a diploma that was a credit short. | ||
| And they tried to give me like a credit for football, but they said it wasn't counting. | ||
| So I ended up having to go to summer school. | ||
| I told them to suck my dick, and I got a GED in Colorado. | ||
| And then went to fucking school anyway. | ||
| You know, it didn't really matter. | ||
| I got accepted into a college anyway, so it really didn't fucking matter to me. | ||
| Yeah, if you can get into a community college and show good grades, then you can get into a better college. | ||
| But at that age, I thought that quitting high school was the beginning of the end. | ||
| At that age, I really thought I was going to end up. | ||
| I did too. | ||
| Well, I went to college. | ||
| The whole reason I went to college was so that people didn't think I was a loser. | ||
| The whole reason. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| So that I could say, I'm going to college. | ||
| I had no business there. | ||
| Because again, that was when I was 18 and all I was thinking about was competing. | ||
| That's all I was doing. | ||
| I was obsessed. | ||
| I was not good at doing a bunch of different things. | ||
| If I had a girlfriend, one of my problems was my first girlfriend in high school, when she first started banging, I cease and desist at all other activities. | ||
| We all do. | ||
| Everything, yeah. | ||
| We all do. | ||
| Yeah, but nothing. | ||
| I didn't do anything else. | ||
| I was just, I was obsessed and hanging around with this girl. | ||
| Why do you think I got left back in the seventh grade for? | ||
| Because I fucking, I'm that stupid? | ||
| No, the fucking monkey drove me fucking nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
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The monkey. | |
| I know. | ||
| I'm sorry to interrupt you. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| Did you quit everything? | ||
| Karate! | ||
| I quit talking no. | ||
| I quit talking no for months. | ||
| For months I didn't train. | ||
| And then I finally, I don't know whether I got tired of fucking her or I just came to my senses. | ||
| I got back there and started training again. | ||
| And then I became obsessed with that again and not as much her. | ||
| Was that your first love? | ||
| That same broad? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| That was my first love too. | ||
| The one that fucked me up completely. | ||
| Well, I had two at the same time during that period of time. | ||
| Sort of an on and off situation, when one of them wouldn't work out, then the other one would somehow or another magically wind up being single at the same time. | ||
| For a couple years, it went back and forth. | ||
| But one was way closer to one than the other. | ||
| One was actually really cool. | ||
| She was pretty smart, interesting. | ||
| She had a single mom. | ||
| She was interesting. | ||
| She was smart. | ||
| She went on to be like, she works for the government or some shit like that. | ||
| She did some computer work for the government. | ||
| I forget we were in our early twenties and she was explaining to me what she does. | ||
| It's very, very, you know, very interesting to be in touch with someone from the time you knew them when you were 14. You're just fingering each other and jerking each other off to, like, all of a sudden she works for the government. | ||
| You know, a grown-up human being. | ||
| It's like, all right, I guess we're real live adults now. | ||
| Dog, the one I was in love with, I used to go roller skiing with her and shit on the weekends, and we'd hold hands. | ||
| But she wouldn't give me the pussy. | ||
| She'd just let me dry hump in a debt. | ||
| And I would dry hump in a earth, wind, and fire every fucking afternoon. | ||
| But she was in love with Donny Osmond. | ||
| Remember Donny Osmond had a show with Marita on Friday nights? | ||
| I was going to fuck Donny Osmond, dog. | ||
| That was my competition. | ||
| Then when she realized she couldn't have Donny Osmond, she let me give her a little tap, and it set me off, dog. | ||
| It's amazing that I never got this girl pregnant. | ||
| We didn't use any birth control. | ||
| We were just pulling out. | ||
| I was like, you know, 15 or 16 or something like that. | ||
| And we fucked all day. | ||
| We fucked every day. | ||
| If there was some ovulation, we were fucking while she was ovulating. | ||
| What do you think that is? | ||
| Because there's a lot of times where it's like that. | ||
| It's luck. | ||
| You get lucky. | ||
| You got lucky. | ||
| Were you eating pussy and ass and everything at that age, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Were you eating pussy like, savagely? | ||
| Not ass. | ||
| No, I wasn't eating ass. | ||
| First of all, back then, it wasn't the same. | ||
| Because ass was like hairy. | ||
| If you went down on a girl, there was fucking hair everywhere. | ||
| Nobody did anything about it. | ||
| They didn't trim it. | ||
| They just let it go. | ||
| It was bananas. | ||
| Dude, I dated a girl when I was in my really early 20s, and I took her pants off, and I was just shocked. | ||
| I was flabbergasted. | ||
| I was like, how could you just leave it like that? | ||
| She was Italian, and it was ridiculous. | ||
| It was asshole to pussy all the way up to the size of the thighs. | ||
| It was just chaos. | ||
| It was unbelievable chaos. | ||
| In between that pussy and that asshole, it's a little wang. | ||
| It smells like a garlic hot dog or some shit. | ||
| Why is that repulsive? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| But what is it about like asshole hair and all that stuff that's gross? | ||
| What is it about that? | ||
| But it is. | ||
| Girls shave their legs, you know, so you're used to girls not having hair at all. | ||
| I never thought it was disgusting when you're eating that pussy and it's swampy and there's hair and shit all over your fucking face, I'm telling you. | ||
| Someone said that women started shaving their legs during World War II because that's when they were running out of pantyhose. | ||
| Does that make any sense? | ||
| Yeah, kinda. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| When do women start shaving their legs? | ||
| As soon as they realize that men would fuck them harder if they didn't have hair on their legs. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Yeah, I don't mind a little ripe pussy, but the worst is there's so many things going on, like yeast infections and things like that. | ||
| What kind of girls are you dating, son? | ||
| You know where yeast infections come from? | ||
| One of the big reasons? | ||
| From ass to vagina? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a little of that. | ||
| And that's actually even more dangerous because that's like E. coli. | ||
| You can have real problems. | ||
| You can die. | ||
| You can have septic pussy and rot out from the inside. | ||
| What I was going to say is it's from other dudes shooting loads into the same hole. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's nature letting you know she's a skank. | ||
| It does happen with some girls. | ||
| For whatever reason, it's like a warning sign that those loads are battling to the death in there. | ||
| And as they're battling to the death in there, she gets some sort of a weird bacterial infection. | ||
| Men can get yeast infections also, I found out. | ||
| I was Googling it to see if I had one once. | ||
| And then it's like, oh, you could just use Dr. Scholl's, you know, if you're a guy. | ||
| So, like, you could use, like, foot spray on it to kill it if you're a guy, but don't do it if you're a girl because you have to spray it inside you. | ||
| Let me tell you something, guys. | ||
| I have fucked women from every aspect of life. | ||
| What I'm saying is, like, bars, Coke fucking haunts. | ||
| Coke haunts. | ||
| You know, airplanes. | ||
| You know, we've gotten our dick sucked. | ||
| There's comedians after clubs and fucked them with no condoms. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| I've never gotten a disease. | ||
| You know who I got diseases from? | ||
| College girls. | ||
| Those are the filthiest little motherfuckers out there. | ||
| Those little keg-going dirty fucks that get fucked and they don't remember all that shit. | ||
| Them filthy fucks. | ||
| Those are the filthy motherfuckers. | ||
| I got that chlamydia shit where you had that yogurt coming out of your throat. | ||
| And then I gave it to the chick. | ||
| I had that now. | ||
| I mean, I'm fucking 50. I had it when I was 28. I caught it from a waitress at the broker, a joker. | ||
| I was a comic there. | ||
| I was the house emcee on Tuesdays. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| In Boulder. | ||
| That's why I started comedy. | ||
| It's called The Broker? | ||
| The Broker Inn. | ||
| They used to have The Broker, Joker. | ||
| And on Wednesday nights, Tuesday nights, it was sponsored by, what was the other beer in the 90s beside Heineken? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coors? | |
| That was Germany. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Bex? | ||
| Bex. | ||
| It was Bex Comedy Night. | ||
| So the Bex would give me a deuce. | ||
| Bex fell off. | ||
| Yeah, they were done. | ||
| What happened with Bex? | ||
| Fuck, they made me the house MC. Fuck those cocksuckers, right? | ||
| And I banged her in the fucking, and I banged her first for like a year. | ||
| I was in love with this college chick. | ||
| I kept getting itches. | ||
| This chick had more fucking diseases. | ||
| One day I go to eat that little monkey, and you can see like where the chlamydia leaked out of her monkey, and it dried, and whatever. | ||
| It was like paint after you paint it, and the fucking monkey just dries on the wall and shit like that. | ||
| I didn't go to the doctor either. | ||
| That time I got chlamydia. | ||
| I didn't know until years later. | ||
| I asked somebody, what happened to chlamydia? | ||
| Because nobody died. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I didn't go to the doctor in those days. | ||
| I was 28. I was too busy slinging dick. | ||
| What do they do for you? | ||
| They give you a shot? | ||
| Does your body fight it off if you don't get a shot? | ||
| For chlamydia? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that's something if you get a doctor. | ||
| I didn't go to the doctor. | ||
| I didn't find out until years later when I was embarrassed and I had somebody coked up. | ||
| I said, listen. | ||
| When you get that little white yogurt that comes out of your pussy and just dries mid-level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| It's chlamydia or some shit like that. | ||
| See, I thought because it had the word clit in it, you couldn't get it. | ||
| No, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a filthy fuck. | |
| I think she's got a Korean roommate that gave me something to do. | ||
| That's Ohio suburbs 14-year-old science. | ||
| It's like penis... | ||
| Dribbles or something like that. | ||
| You can't, like, if you have a vagina, you couldn't get that. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Chlamydia, because it has cladoris in it. | ||
| The Korean roommate, that when she went to New York, gave me something, too. | ||
| That wasn't a venereal disease. | ||
| I was like a rash. | ||
| I just scratched my fucking skin off my nutsack. | ||
| And what'd you do about that? | ||
| At that time, I had to go to the pharmacy. | ||
| And he goes, dog, you need help. | ||
| You went to a pharmacy and pulled your dick out? | ||
| No, I showed him my nutsack. | ||
| I was friends with the fucking guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| You know, we do. | ||
| My CVS is completely different than yours. | ||
| What neighborhood was this in? | ||
| This is in Boulder. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This is in North Boulder, by the hospital. | ||
| So you go ahead and listen to the dog. | ||
| No, I knew you were the doctor. | ||
| Take a look at my nuts. | ||
| I knew the dude. | ||
| I knew he snorted below, so I would bring him a rock from time to time, and he'd give me free medical advice. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So fuck it. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| So you showed him your balls. | ||
| And he said, you gotta go to the doctor and get a cream. | ||
| So I went to the doctor in Boulder, and I told him the truth, and I got it from... | ||
| What did he say it was? | ||
| Some skin disease, something in like the ringworm cousin. | ||
| Whoa, you got pussy ringworm? | ||
| Yeah, but I had ringworm when I was a kid from playing in the weeds in Jersey, too. | ||
| What a dirty bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Pussy ringworm? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's unprecedented. | ||
| That's a dark, dark girl. | ||
| You've got this fucking itch in your nutsack that won't go the fuck away. | ||
| You ripped that motherfucker apart, Doug. | ||
| Yeah, I know a lot about ringworm because of jiu-jitsu. | ||
| If you're getting ringworm, here's one thing you don't want to do. | ||
| Don't use antibacterial soap. | ||
| You've got to be real careful about that shit. | ||
| When you use antibacterial soap, it's okay if you're going to do operations on people and shit, but the issue with antibacterial soap is it kills all the good bacteria in your body, too. | ||
| There's a company called Defense Soap, and they make this soap that has all natural oils, like tea tree oil, eucalyptus oil, all natural oils that keep the bad shit from growing but help the healthy shit. | ||
| It promotes good flora, good skin flora. | ||
| It's like Cacapuncha for your fucking skin. | ||
| Cacapuncha? | ||
| The juice you fucking drink. | ||
| The Cacapuncha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It puts everything back in. | |
| The probiotics back into the system. | ||
| Yeah, that's a probiotic. | ||
| Acidophilus, that's another probiotic. | ||
| Actually, like sauerkraut, you can get certain types of sauerkraut. | ||
| Like for vegans, for people who don't want to eat animal products, they can get probiotics that way. | ||
| But you know, they're just, it's like, what size animal are you not allowed to eat? | ||
| Because at a certain point in time, you're eating some fucking living fungus. | ||
| You're eating some little microbes there that are running around. | ||
| I guess they can't cry. | ||
| Since they can't cry, you're allowed to eat them. | ||
| Are you allowed to eat ants if you're a vegan? | ||
| Can you have chocolate-covered ants? | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Living thing. | ||
| Ants, no. | ||
| Microbes, yes. | ||
| You're allowed to eat the microbes. | ||
| You're going to eat living things. | ||
| If you're going to have probiotics, you've got to eat something that's alive. | ||
| It just can't complain, so you just fucking eat it. | ||
| Do you know they sell bugs now at Abercrombie? | ||
| Or no, Urban Outfitters. | ||
| You know, the clothing store? | ||
| They have, like, chocolate-covered bugs that you can buy. | ||
| Like, you know how you're waiting to check out and they have, like, all that shit that they want you to buy at the last second, you know? | ||
| So that's because they figure they've made you retarded from that spray that they're spraying in that place to keep it stinky. | ||
| Oh, no, you're thinking Abercrombie. | ||
| No, no, Urban Outfitters. | ||
| Yeah, Urban Outfitters. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| Like, Abercrombie's the one where the music's super loud, and it has, like, this stupid cologne smell everywhere. | ||
| There's shaved gay guys all over the wall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're, like, hugging girls, and they all have perfect hair, and it smells so bad. | ||
| Like, that place is ridiculous. | ||
| You ever go to Abercrombie and Fitch? | ||
| Anybody ever rope you in? | ||
| See, that's what happens when you have daughters. | ||
| Someone needs to go into Abercrombie, and it's like going into the skunk house. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| It's like, you know, someone's got to clean up the skunk shit. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| Alright, I'll do it. | ||
| Like, you're going into an area where you know you can only last a certain amount of time. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| If you go into the Gap or whatever, go in to buy a pair of Levi's, you can sit down in that store for an hour and read a book if you had to. | ||
| But you go into that Abercrombie& Fitch, that motherfucker is toxic gas. | ||
| It's all stinky smells. | ||
| And it's a stinky smell. | ||
| It's not a good smell. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, it's terrible. | ||
| It's like Glendale 24-Hour Fitness locker room. | ||
| Is that how they do it? | ||
| Is that how they fucking do it? | ||
| Is that how they want to do it? | ||
| Yeah, they do it on purpose. | ||
| I asked this girl who was working there. | ||
| I go, why do you keep spraying that stuff? | ||
| She goes, they make us. | ||
| They make us every, like, on the hour. | ||
| You have to walk around and spray this shit. | ||
| Whoever owns that store is a moron. | ||
| The advantages of being 2X. You don't have to go to those places? | ||
| No. | ||
| They don't have my size in any of those fucking places. | ||
| So where do you go? | ||
| I have pants, but I can't fit shirts. | ||
| You go to a special store? | ||
| You know what, bro? | ||
| You don't know what you're buying anymore. | ||
| Until you buy, you like something, you buy, you try it on. | ||
| Sometimes I get a pair of pants and they're 42 and they fucking fit. | ||
| Sometimes 42 don't go around my leg. | ||
| It depends whether it's a European cut or it's an American cut. | ||
| I bought clothes when I go to Tennessee, everything fucking fits. | ||
| In Tennessee, they make the clothes smaller. | ||
| So do you follow what I'm saying? | ||
| In Tennessee, I fit in a 1X. Oh, really? | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Because there's a lot of big people in Tennessee. | ||
| Bigger people in Tennessee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need to make double X a little bit bigger. | |
| So when you go to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
My mom don't like thinking she double X. I'm not double X. Like Macy's. | |
| Okay, when you go to Macy's here and you see a 2X, you'll put it on and you're like, ah, it's breathing. | ||
| I go to Houston and get that same 2X. It's a fucking 3X. Right. | ||
| So it's very weird. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| The marketing across the country. | ||
| Houston has the biggest people, doesn't it? | ||
| Houston was the fattest. | ||
| It's between Houston and Dallas. | ||
| But listen, how can you fucking be skinny in a town where the breakfast is those fucking hot dogs in a bun? | ||
| You can't lose. | ||
| Because I could have... | ||
| Listen, as a stoner, I don't give a fuck what type of fitness you're in. | ||
| You've got to stop over there once a week. | ||
| I'll tell you what, when you go to Texas and you fucking sit down and they serve you a 24-ounce steak, and you're like, God damn it, fuck it, I'm in Texas. | ||
| Let's just do this. | ||
| It seems like what you're supposed to be doing there. | ||
| When you're looking over at the dude next to you with his giant belt buckle and cowboy hat, he gives you the nod as he's cutting into the meat. | ||
| Do you know what was the deadliest place we ever went to as a restaurant? | ||
| Brian, remember when we went to Houston and after that night we all went to that fucking place with the old guy and we sat at the table like this and they brought us Greek food and they brought us the Greek peat. | ||
| The place is great. | ||
| Let's get it out of the fucking way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
BB's? | |
| Was that the name of it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's a Greek place. | ||
| In fact, I just got an invite to his birthday. | ||
| What was the name of the place? | ||
| The kid was a comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He used to come by the laugh shop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beevers. | |
| Not what I said. | ||
| Beebies. | ||
| I think Beebies is a girl's clothing store. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beebies. | |
| Beebies. | ||
| But the fucking guy in the daytime used to insult people. | ||
| They had a waiter that used to insult people. | ||
| He was grilling. | ||
| And he would give you the weight, the fucking thing. | ||
| And he'd come up to you like five minutes later. | ||
| What do you want for breakfast? | ||
| I don't know you. | ||
| These, that, these, that. | ||
| Make up your mind. | ||
| You fucking yell at people. | ||
| The people liked it. | ||
| They had old school waitresses there too, right? | ||
| Old school. | ||
| They were 100 apiece. | ||
| If you were younger than 80, do not apply, dog. | ||
| They would make them up. | ||
| No plastic surgery like that hag we see in the baseball commercial. | ||
| These were women that were 80, dog. | ||
| And the best about Greeks is they're like Jews, but even better. | ||
| They don't accuse nobody of stealing or nothing, but let's just... | ||
| Let's not fuck. | ||
| Why doubt it? | ||
| Let's just put my mother behind the register. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| They always have the cook's mother behind. | ||
| Why take the chance? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that bitch will not go home. | ||
| Am I lying, though? | ||
| You go out the pool. | ||
| You go before pool at 7, she's there. | ||
| And after pool, she's still there. | ||
| She's sleeping. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Against the thing, you got to ring the bell. | ||
| And she goes, oh, I'm nice to see you. | ||
| Little reading glasses. | ||
| Yeah, little reading glasses on. | ||
| Them bitches will put their Greek mothers there. | ||
| Those motherfuckers are their 12-hour shifts. | ||
| Yeah, that was that place. | ||
| That place was very much like that. | ||
| That place flooded, I think. | ||
| Did it really? | ||
| It flooded, but closed down. | ||
| He had a couple of those places. | ||
| He had like two or three of those fucking restaurants. | ||
| Well, that one crazy flood. | ||
| There was one of the girls who was a waitress at the laugh stop sent me a photo of where that old hotel where we used to stay at used to be. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What was that parkway? | ||
| The Allen Parkway? | ||
| Allen Park Inn. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, the Allen Park Inn. | ||
| The Allen Park Inn was so flooded It was like the entire highway was an ocean. | ||
| It was like a big river. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I don't know how it happened, how it got so flooded. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck happens that a city can get that flooded. | ||
| But that place was gone. | ||
| That place was a staple. | ||
| For, like, stand-up comics and crazy stories on the road. | ||
| I had this crackhead dude just insisting that I knew where Eddie was. | ||
| This was, like, pre-Eddie Bravo, you know? | ||
| Like, I was there, and I'm walking around, and the guy goes, come on, man, you know where Eddie is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's Eddie? | |
| And I was like, dude, I do not know Eddie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, man. | |
| Where Eddie? | ||
| Where Eddie at, man? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Like, crazy and shaking and shit. | ||
| And just, this dude had to find this guy. | ||
| And he was just walking around, knocking on doors. | ||
| Like, trying to find the guy who sells the crack. | ||
| That was the only hotel that you go back to. | ||
| You go back to your hotel room, piss, comb your hair a little bit, get a beer, and just sit in front of your hotel room at 2 in the morning. | ||
| Within 15 minutes, somebody would walk by. | ||
| I'll tell you what, though. | ||
| Here's another thing about that place. | ||
| If you went down to the Allen Park Inn and a girl was willing to go back there with you... | ||
| Yeah, she's sucking your dick. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| She's not going to play games, okay? | ||
| You're taking her to one of the dingiest, creepiest spots on Earth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She DTF, alright? | |
| She's like looking for a spot just as much as you are. | ||
| You're going to take this guy... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, man. | |
| Where's Eddie at, man? | ||
| Don't worry about him. | ||
| This door is an inch thick of solid cardboard. | ||
| There's no way he's going to get to us while we're naked. | ||
| I was just thinking about that meal the other night. | ||
| How big that meal was. | ||
| That meal in Houston. | ||
| And how we were done at one point. | ||
| We were like, we're done. | ||
| We had eight people at the table. | ||
| Your friends were there from Dallas. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| The nice kid. | ||
| The young kid. | ||
| Horse Flesh Wick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were all there. | ||
| And we were ready to go. | ||
| That was the first Rogan Board Circle Jerk. | ||
| Yeah, and they all put, they came out and put those cheese, those Greek pizzas down. | ||
| And what's that flaming cheese? | ||
| Flaming cheese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| What's it called? | ||
| Stakaskutos! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stakaskutos! | |
| With the malata's juice! | ||
| Yeah, they had those dolomites. | ||
| It's not dolomites. | ||
| That's the fucking... | ||
| That's the pimp. | ||
| Dolomites, the pimp. | ||
| What are those things? | ||
| The leaves? | ||
| The grape leaves? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Stuffed grape leaves? | ||
| Oh! | ||
| It was the best apricotis food ever. | ||
| Oh, those are fucking... | ||
| I mean, when are you ever more hungry, though, than after two shows? | ||
| When we do two shows on a Friday or Saturday night, we eat, like, unbelievable amounts of food. | ||
| And if you don't eat, you go back to your room and eat your fucking stomach. | ||
| It's horrible how fucking hungry you are. | ||
| You gotta get something, even like a protein something. | ||
| Anything will work, and you go to fucking sleep. | ||
| What wears you out more than doing two shows? | ||
| Does anything wear you out? | ||
| Like when you have to do two headliner shows? | ||
| Have you been doing that lately? | ||
| Yeah, they mentally wear me the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| It's a lot of talking. | ||
| What are you doing, an hour? | ||
| You doing an hour each show? | ||
| Fifty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fifty? | |
| You know, even when you do sets around town, if you do like three sets on one night, it's fifteen fucking minutes a set. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You know, but a third set, you're like, it's amazing how sometimes a set flies by, and sometimes a set takes a long time, but it really does fly by. | ||
| It's just amazing comedy. | ||
| The whole mechanics of it is getting weirder and weirder, but I love it more now than ever. | ||
| Don't you feel like the more you do it, the better it gets, but the more out of your hands it is? | ||
| It's like, oh, this fucking crazy thing's got a life of its own. | ||
| Just keep doing it. | ||
| Keep doing it. | ||
| Keep getting up there. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're talking. | ||
| There's so much shit going on that you... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Comedy is a lot of fun lately. | ||
| I've been having a lot of fucking fun with it. | ||
| Late shows. | ||
| It's the best job ever, man. | ||
| It's the best job ever. | ||
| For us, it's the best job ever. | ||
| I even miss getting on planes. | ||
| The last three weeks I've been home, I miss getting on fucking planes. | ||
| You? | ||
| Even a little flight from Burbank to San Jose. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like on a Thursday night. | ||
| I was pulling those Thursday nights. | ||
| I love that shit, guys. | ||
| There's an adventure to our job that is one of the things that's real exciting about it. | ||
| Like our last trip to Austin. | ||
| There's a lot of adventure to our job. | ||
| There always is. | ||
| There's an adventure for me tomorrow night doing my first black room. | ||
| I don't know how to do it. | ||
| What's a tip, Joey? | ||
| Here's a tip. | ||
| Be able to run as soon as you get off stage. | ||
| That's important. | ||
| Have a nice exit strategy. | ||
| And start off strong. | ||
| Start off strong. | ||
| You have to start off strong, but you also have to be relaxed. | ||
| If you stutter, they will attack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They will go after you. | ||
| Silly and goofy. | ||
| They like that, don't they? | ||
| They'll like that, but you also have to be smooth with your words. | ||
| You have to be well prepared. | ||
| They appreciate, like for real, black crowds are more likely to appreciate good showmanship. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And someone who's a really good entertainer. | ||
| But they're also more critical. | ||
| So they will come down on you if you start stuttering. | ||
| If you start stuttering, white people will give you a chance to recover. | ||
| Black people, not so much. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I pay, motherfucker. | ||
| I pay to see you. | ||
| I started in the black room, but the biggest bombing that I never got back on the black stage was in the black room. | ||
| Not to interrupt you or to get this off the subject, but we're talking about black people, famous black people and drugs. | ||
| I guarantee you, I will bet each of you a hundred bucks, and I'm no genius because I don't know much about the pill world, but I guarantee you, Cat Williams' problem all started with Adderall. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Because after you don't do Adderall, I was watching something on Discovery where a guy went from Adderall to Speed. | ||
| To meth. | ||
| Because he felt that, wait a second, if I'm doing this, what will speed do? | ||
| He was like an accountant. | ||
| He was like a fucking, you know, I've never fucked with Adderalls. | ||
| I just hear what people are saying, that you can write better, you write a ton better, you do all this shit better. | ||
| So, dog, I've already been around the block with things that make things better. | ||
| So, I don't need to, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Adderall reminded me of cocaine immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| Like, I felt like I had drips in my mouth. | ||
| I could see a person doing Adderall and doing two bumps and just losing it. | ||
| I have a friend, and I believe he's on the Adderall, and he's been acting very erratic lately. | ||
| More and more, like, over the last, like, six, seven months. | ||
| I don't see him that often. | ||
| I see him, you know, every few months or so. | ||
| He's starting to get a little bonkers. | ||
| You're talking about our one friend? | ||
| I'm talking about a friend. | ||
| I'll tell you who it is when the show's over and we stop recording, we go outside and stand behind a car. | ||
| It's just, uh... | ||
| Because our one friend's off it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I talked to him the other day. | ||
| Um, I don't know which friend you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| Up north, we just saw him in... | ||
| No, no, that guy, you're right. | ||
| Yeah, that guy is off it. | ||
| That guy is a way smarter dude than the dude I'm talking about. | ||
| The dude I'm talking about is much dumber, and he's got a fucking problem. | ||
| So the... | ||
| I guarantee that... | ||
| It has something. | ||
| It's in the mix. | ||
| But why do you think that Cat is doing Adderall in the first place? | ||
| Because maybe it's not Adderall, but it's something. | ||
| I think it's cocaine and mental. | ||
| But it's something he's mixing with that gentleman. | ||
| It's something that started with it. | ||
| Dog, let me get this going, and now he's smoking crack with it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I tell you guys, once you start doing it, and if you listen to the stories, these people start doing it with everything else. | ||
| It don't matter. | ||
| The chick in Florida that was drinking and doing the fucking pills and shooting pool and talking loud that day. | ||
| Maybe he's just trying to come up with a new hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude is just going to go off until he's got a whole new hour. | |
| No, I've seen the tape from Oakland. | ||
| I've seen the one where he came out with the bunny rabbit ears on his head and just shook his head for 35 fucking minutes or whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I love that one, but I'm telling you guys. | ||
| That these pills and this over-the-counter shit, or not over-the-counter, this, uh, what do you call it? | ||
| Pharmaceutical, these Oxycontins and all this shit. | ||
| Opiates, yeah. | ||
| It's just killing motherfuckers. | ||
| This Adderall, all this shit. | ||
| Just smoke fucking joints. | ||
| That, whatever happened to just smoking a fucking pipe? | ||
| I don't understand why no one's beat him back, though. | ||
| Like, how many... | ||
| How many people has he hit, but you don't hear them beating his ass? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not a big guy. | |
| Have you seen what happens when he hits people? | ||
| Like, nothing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's like getting swatted by a four-year-old. | ||
| Like, he punched the Walmart guy in the face. | ||
| The guy didn't even flinch. | ||
| The guy didn't go down. | ||
| The guy didn't put his hands up. | ||
| The target guy? | ||
| The target guy, whatever it was. | ||
| He punched that guy in the face. | ||
| It was like nothing. | ||
| The guy was like, that was nothing. | ||
| Like, you didn't do anything to me. | ||
| Well, that dude was obviously just scared of black people, I think. | ||
| Was he by himself? | ||
| Yeah, because I was a young white kid. | ||
| Was he by himself at Target? | ||
| Uh, Sacramento. | ||
| Was he by himself at the time? | ||
| Yes, he was by himself. | ||
| Did you see the video? | ||
| I see the video. | ||
| Pull the video up. | ||
| No, no, I saw it. | ||
| What time did it happen in the afternoon? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I guarantee this motherfucker didn't sleep in the microphone. | ||
| Just cranking it all day. | ||
| I guarantee he didn't sleep in the microphone. | ||
| And do you think that's what gives him, that's why he's so, like, short-tempered? | ||
| Brian, are you running snowflakes in the background, you motherfucker? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Why didn't you tell me? | ||
| You know, when you don't sleep, hey, dog, when you don't fucking sleep, You don't sleep for two nights and see how agitated you are. | ||
| Oh, I've been there, man. | ||
| Why the fuck are you talking to me like that, boy? | ||
| You know, you get fucking agitated. | ||
| It's confusing. | ||
| There's a word for that. | ||
| You become something. | ||
| Delirious. | ||
| Delirious, yeah. | ||
| So, I watched that Target one, and that's what I'm thinking about. | ||
| He's up the night before. | ||
| You know how many times I've done something? | ||
| I did coke all night, and by 11 o'clock, I was paranoid all night. | ||
| Look, he's just talking to this fucking guy. | ||
| The guy's got his left hand up. | ||
| Oh, just stole on him. | ||
| He just kind of looks at his phone. | ||
| He stole on him and then he backed up. | ||
| You know how many times by 11 o'clock in the morning, in my mind, I was fine. | ||
| I was fine. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| They can't tell I was doing blow all night. | ||
| I'll take a shower and put gel in my hair, and I'll go out there. | ||
| They can't tell. | ||
| But in your mind, as you're walking, you're having your own fucking conversation in your mind. | ||
| What's coming out of your fucking head is amazing. | ||
| This guy doesn't know. | ||
| He can't tell. | ||
| That's why he walks into those places banged up like that, like fucking before. | ||
| That's a horrible situation, man. | ||
| So do you think that's coke? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're saying it's crack. | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| Could be that, right? | ||
| It could be that, but you gotta stop and smoke that every 20 minutes. | ||
| Every 20 minutes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You gotta pipe on you. | ||
| You gotta have a little torch on you. | ||
| You know, you gotta have shit on you. | ||
| So I don't know what the fuck it is these people are talking about. | ||
| When you smoke crack, you gotta smoke every 20 minutes. | ||
| Who was that really hot chick from Baywatch way back in the day? | ||
| She had dark hair and she got arrested. | ||
| Well, with the crack pipe in Michigan. | ||
| She was fucking around with Don Johnson, wasn't she? | ||
| And she looked like hell. | ||
| And she was so pretty. | ||
| She was in basketball with me, I think. | ||
| She was in basketball. | ||
| What the hell was that process? | ||
| I forget what her fucking name was. | ||
|
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|
Yasmin... | |
| Yasmin Bleeth. | ||
| She was so pretty. | ||
| And then all of a sudden there was this picture of her. | ||
| She was like the first... | ||
| Like, really famous chick to just absolutely fall apart in a drug photo. | ||
| I mean, look at that. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That bitch had been up for a year. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She was, at one point in time, like, she was stupid hot. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder what she looks like now. | ||
| Oh, poor kid. | ||
| I thought I saw on a show, like, playing an attorney, but I don't think it was her. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure she's got... | ||
| So that's what I'm thinking. | ||
| If you smoke crack, but after you smoke crack for 10 hours, you just go into a zone, too, that you don't need it anymore. | ||
| You're like, fuck it! | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't need this shit for You know, I don't fucking know, Joe, but you know what, man? | ||
| When you're 12, you're not ready as a young man. | ||
| Even with these kids, you're not ready at 18. How are you going to give somebody fucking all these pills at 12 years old? | ||
| Because they have ADD. I had ADD at 12. So did fucking you. | ||
| So did Red Band. | ||
| Yeah, that's what makes for interesting people. | ||
| You need ADD to be interesting. | ||
| Your parents came to you and said, you need to study hard. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| From now on at 3, I'm going to pick you up. | ||
| I'm going to take you to the library. | ||
| I'm going to read for an hour and you're going to study. | ||
| Now they just give you Adderall or whatever the fuck they give you for your ADD. Now they just replace their fucking attention with a fucking pill. | ||
| You know, there's so many things. | ||
| Parenting is very hard. | ||
| And there's so many things that you think replaces parenting, but it really doesn't, bro. | ||
| There's nothing like your kid coming home at 3 and you being there. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| Let me tell you, you come home at 3 and there was nobody fucking there. | ||
| Me too, my whole life. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| You know, once you come home at 3 and there's a $10 bill and a thing and a steak, you cook it or take the 10 and go eat, motherfucker. | ||
| You know? | ||
| In our generation, you could walk around. | ||
| The neighbor's mother was there if you cut yourself. | ||
| Today, these fucking kids, I mean, what do you do, man? | ||
| It's different times. | ||
| Well, it's also... | ||
| Some people just get a bad roll of the dice. | ||
| We were talking about this yesterday, that you could get a real bad roll of the dice and be in a terrible family. | ||
| Unfortunately, your mother's a junkie, your father's a murderer. | ||
| It's a fucking nightmare. | ||
| It's a fucking nightmare, man. | ||
| What can you do? | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I've seen a lot of those kids, they learn from that. | ||
| They don't put the blame on it 50%, 40% maybe. | ||
| How many times have you seen an attorney and you've talked to him and he's an attorney because his mother stabbed the father or something. | ||
| He had a motivation behind it. | ||
| I just always thought I grew up with a lot of psychological problems. | ||
| And I'm like, I didn't want to go shoot none of my fucking classmates. | ||
| I didn't want to go do a lot of fun. | ||
| I wanted to shoot my stepfather. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, Joey, I don't know what the fuck that kid's life was like. | ||
| It would be really important for us, I think, as a society, to try to figure out what it took to turn a person into a school shooter. | ||
| Not two handguns and a rifle? | ||
| I don't even want to know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm asking you guys. | ||
| A lot of guns. | ||
| There was more than one gun. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and if you stop and think about the Columbine shootings, we know those kids were bullied, those kids were tortured. | ||
| That's an important point, too, because I think some people do not really understand how important it is that their kids don't bully people, and they don't understand how devastating that could be on a young kid's psyche, especially if the kid's coming from an unstable house, as it is, and then you're coming from a house where everything's in turmoil, and people yelling at you, and you're going to school, and people are pushing you around and hitting you. | ||
| It's like, your life is hell. | ||
| Like, that is why people will commit suicide. | ||
| You are creating, their life can be a hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or, it could be just the opposite. | |
| You can go to school, and that same kid says, what's up, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| He gives you a big hug. | ||
| Now you're happy. | ||
| Something is creating that bully. | ||
| And it's not just human nature. | ||
| There's some shit that's going on in that kid's life that he's trying to express. | ||
| And he's trying to express on other people. | ||
| I saw, when I was a kid, a lot of people that would go around and beat people up. | ||
| And to a man... | ||
| Every one of them got beat up at home. | ||
| Every one of them. | ||
| I had a friend, my friend Kenny, he used to love to get in fights. | ||
| Kenny would just walk up to someone and start a fight. | ||
| Like, come on, bitch, let's go. | ||
| And the guy would be like, what? | ||
| Like, put up your fucking hands, we're going right now. | ||
| The guy would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| And he would just start swinging. | ||
| He was crazy. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because he got the fuck beat out of him as a kid. | ||
| I didn't have that. | ||
| I did not get beat up as a kid. | ||
| And I'm very fortunate for that. | ||
| So, like, when I see kids that lash out like that, or kids that want to beat people up, kids that have a different sort of anger inside of them, they have a really irrational, self-destructive, sort of violence-inducing anger, a lot of that comes from being physically abused. | ||
| Like, it changes the wiring of a child's brain. | ||
| It changes the way a child My dad was a piece of shit, but one thing my dad was, he was fiercely protective of me. | ||
| Fiercely. | ||
| Like, my cousin did something to me when I was a little kid. | ||
| My dad picked my cousin up by his hair. | ||
| I'll never forget it. | ||
| My cousin was like 12 or 13 and I was probably like 5. He picked him up by his hair and beat the shit out of him. | ||
| Picked him in the air by his... | ||
| I'll never forget the screaming that kid was making while he was getting lifted into the air by his hair. | ||
| So I saw a lot of violence, but it didn't get turned on me. | ||
| Yet. | ||
| You know, my parents got divorced when I was five. | ||
| So I never... | ||
| I didn't... | ||
| I didn't... | ||
| You know, when they split up, I saw him be violent with my mother. | ||
| I saw him be violent with a lot of other people. | ||
| I saw him be violent with my cousin, like when I told you he pulled his hair, but he never did anything to me. | ||
| So I missed that part. | ||
| I didn't get beat up. | ||
| So because I didn't get beat up, my mom was a very, very sweet person. | ||
| She was never violent in any way, shape, or form. | ||
| She never even yelled. | ||
| She barely raised her voice. | ||
| My mother was a very, very kind person, and still is. | ||
| So I missed that part. | ||
| But I got to see its work in a lot of friends. | ||
| You know, you get to know. | ||
| That's one of the things that's really weird about growing up. | ||
| Is you're growing up and you realize how many people come from fucked up families? | ||
| How many people's families are fucked up? | ||
| And it's like almost everybody, almost everybody I knew had something going on. | ||
| Either the dad was an alcoholic, and they were trying to figure out how to not get him to drive, or the mother fucking has a gambling problem and disappears at night and doesn't come home until the morning, or... | ||
| There was always fucking something. | ||
| There's always something. | ||
| It's amazing our society works as well as it does. | ||
| It's amazing we're as together as we really are. | ||
| If you really stop and think about what a shit job people did in raising human beings. | ||
| Did you see that news thing with Cat Williams in it talking about how he's quitting stand-up comedy and he's crying and stuff? | ||
| It was like a news report. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, check this out. | ||
| He talked about quitting stand-up comedy and crying? | ||
| This is after all this shit? | ||
| Yeah, this is December 4th, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
New tonight's stand-up comic Cat Williams has had a controversial visit to Seattle the past few days, and tonight he's telling us his side of the story. | |
| Como 4 caught up with Williams as he was ejected from a South Lake Union hotel around 7 p.m. | ||
| On Sunday, Williams was arrested after an altercation at a nearby restaurant. | ||
| Police say he argued with customers and threatened the manager with a pool cue. | ||
| Williams is accused of then throwing a lit cigarette into a family's car, which hit a woman in the face, throwing a rock at that car, and struggling with police officers. | ||
| A group of fans claims Williams assaulted them after his performance Friday night. | ||
| Tonight, Williams admitted to us he has had trouble with the law here in Seattle this weekend. | ||
| He made a string of allegations against police and the media. | ||
| Then he told us because of his bad weekend in Seattle, he's decided to end his stand-up career. | ||
| I'm just going to go ahead and announce my retirement from stand-up. | ||
| I'm kind of done. | ||
| I've already discussed it with my kids. | ||
| I wasn't really going to do it on Seattle Street. | ||
| I was going to go to Los Angeles and do it in the offices of ICM or Live Nation. | ||
| Matt Williams has proven to be unpredictable, so we're going to watch and see how this all plays out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you see that he looked like that recently? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You didn't see that one, did you? | ||
| No. | ||
| So that's something there. | ||
| I love the guy. | ||
| He's a guy I love. | ||
| We all fucking dug the first special, cracked me up. | ||
| I knew him when he fucking was cat in a hat. | ||
| He'd come to the store on Sunday nights, bro, let me get a spot up in this motherfucker. | ||
| You know, and I'd try to put him up there and argue with Mitzi, the whole fucking deal. | ||
| So, to see this, you gotta, what is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's drugs. | ||
| Now, somebody wrote a book about them. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's drugs. | ||
| Somebody wrote a book about them saying what happened, the allegations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I've never seen them smoke crack. | ||
| That seems like a drug issue. | ||
| Well, it's either a drug issue or it's a mental health issue. | ||
| But there was something. | ||
| Disconnected there, right? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, if it's a mental health issue and he does drugs of any kind, it could set him off into a weird spiral. | ||
| Powerful Dr. Redband. | ||
| Next, after Oprah. | ||
| Fuck Dr. Oz. | ||
| Dr. Redband can read off cue cards, too, you fuck. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Our society, instead of the after-school special, it's Dr. fucking Oz. | ||
| Or it's Maury Povich. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are not the father! | |
| That is fucked up, because sometimes I watch KTLA in the morning to see where there's traffic, and when I get home, the TV's still on. | ||
| And it's one of those shows. | ||
| And I'll make a sandwich listening to, like, you know. | ||
| So this guy took a test. | ||
| He is not the father. | ||
| And the guy will do this pre-planned out dance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Like, those dudes break down. | ||
| I told you, bitch! | ||
| I told you I came on your titties! | ||
| Those shows are so fucking fake. | ||
| I know so many people that were like, all right, we need you to come do this show. | ||
| You're going to play boyfriend and girlfriend, and you're going to get in a fight. | ||
| There was a dude who used to work at Governor's. | ||
| In Long Island. | ||
| And he used to be involved in those shows. | ||
| And what they would do is they don't tell you to fake it. | ||
| But what they do is they call you up and they say, our show is looking for a guy who is having an affair with his brother's wife. | ||
| He goes, that's crazy. | ||
| I'm having an affair with my brother's wife. | ||
| He doesn't even have a brother. | ||
| Next thing you know, he's on camera. | ||
| So whatever it was, that was the game. | ||
| They would call you up and say, we're looking for a guy who spent his life in an Asian gang, but he's a white guy. | ||
| I spent my life in an Asian gang, and I was a white guy. | ||
| And they'll just make up nonsense. | ||
| Like, a lot of those shows, it's 100% nonsense. | ||
| It's just entertainment. | ||
| But you know what's crazy, going back to that family thing you said? | ||
| In my house, I grew up in a fucked up house, but there was a lot of love. | ||
| And a lot of love came from my mom. | ||
| Even my stepdad was a good guy to an extreme. | ||
| Then I meet people who have no reason to be fucked up. | ||
| Like the people I meet are like cunning, like people with two faces, backstabbing motherfuckers, are people who come from perfect households. | ||
| They're spoiled. | ||
| Who you think the parents did the work but really didn't. | ||
| And they're like cunning and they're two-faced and they do shit to people and they think they're cute. | ||
| I would always figure out these people have no reason to be cocksuckers like me. | ||
| Like that's how I would look at myself. | ||
| I came from a fucked up house so I understand. | ||
| I give myself a breather. | ||
| But this guy had two nice fucking parents that were both attorneys. | ||
| This guy's the biggest piece of shit out of all of them. | ||
| But you know what the difference is? | ||
| People that grow up with everything, that have it from the get-go, there's a real issue with self-worth, and there's also a real issue with a lack of character because they're spoiled. | ||
| When you talk about spoiled kids, you want to send them camping, take those spoiled kids and send them out to wilderness camp. | ||
| Take those spoiled kids and make them work. | ||
| If they knew what it was. | ||
| People need to understand what struggle's about. | ||
| They need to understand what labor is about. | ||
| They need to understand what effort is about. | ||
| How you can get over something that's difficult and it builds character. | ||
| And if that never happens to you, you don't have any character. | ||
| So while you're trying to make something happen for yourself, you know, you're trying to do it any way you can. | ||
| And the way you've been getting by your whole life is probably bullshitting people. | ||
| Bullshitting your parents. | ||
| You know, the people that work for your parents probably listen to you because you're rich and they let you slide. | ||
| And they don't develop the character. | ||
| They never have an opportunity to actually develop character. | ||
| So that's why. | ||
| They're not struggling and they're not being sneaky because they're desperado. | ||
| They're being sneaky because they're weak. | ||
| The instinct in man is to try to get out of work. | ||
| The instinct in man is to try to, did you do it? | ||
| Yeah, I did it. | ||
| Even if you didn't. | ||
| The instinct is not to man up and go, listen, I'm going to be honest with you, I didn't do it. | ||
| I fucked off. | ||
| I went out with my friends, we got drunk, and I forgot all about it, and I woke up late. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| I don't know what to tell you, but that's what happened. | ||
| It's obviously a huge error, but What am I going to do now? | ||
| Nobody wants to do that, so you bullshit. | ||
| Oh, the car totally wouldn't work. | ||
| We called the police. | ||
| We thought there was a bomb. | ||
| You'll say all kinds of crazy shit to get out of work. | ||
| Especially if you have a weak character. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I've been locked up with kids that had no reason. | ||
| Did we freeze up or something? | ||
| I've been locked up with kids that I've seen their visitation on a Saturday. | ||
| And I've said to myself, what did you do, bro? | ||
| Those are your fucking parents here? | ||
| What the fuck did you... | ||
| How can you do this with tonight's family? | ||
| The whole family would show up. | ||
| The sister, the brother... | ||
| Well, you know about Michael Douglas' son, right? | ||
| They got beat the fuck up up in Pittsburgh or something like that. | ||
| They broke his leg and his fingers. | ||
| They broke his femur. | ||
| It's fucking hard to break someone's femur. | ||
| I mean, you gotta hold their leg down and stomp on it, you know? | ||
| And this guy's fucked up. | ||
| I mean, his leg's in a plate now. | ||
| His fingers are jacked. | ||
| It's because he... | ||
| Somehow or another, it was revealed. | ||
| That when he got a shorter sentence, it was because he gave up a bunch of other drugs. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| His own lawyer fucked him, or someone fucked him. | ||
| Someone fucked him. | ||
| But he fucked himself, that dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He did something. | ||
| That's Michael Douglas' son. | ||
| I mean, Michael Douglas has been famous for a long fucking time. | ||
| Do you remember when he used to come to the comedy store? | ||
| No, that's not the same son. | ||
| That's not the same son that used to come to the comedy store, all fucked up at night. | ||
| No, that's the brother. | ||
| That's the brother. | ||
| Somebody from his family used to come up to the store at night. | ||
| That's Michael Douglas' brother. | ||
| Now, then this kid went to New York and was dealing in Methodism. | ||
| Look, all those fucking famous father kids like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| And once they found that, you know, that's the only way they get attention. | ||
| Stallone's kid overdosed? | ||
| Did he really overdose? | ||
| Wasn't that what it was? | ||
| It was accidental. | ||
| But he had a drug problem, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Sage? | ||
| Stallone's done? | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| That's what they said at first. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| I should Google that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you know, I mean, uh... | |
| By the way, you gotta check out notthefather.tumblr.com and it's just all these gif animations from You're Not The Father episodes. | ||
| Yeah, it says possible drug overdose. | ||
| Dies from pill overdose, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Yeah, they're saying an overdose, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's what most of these sites are saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whatever. | ||
| I mean, I don't think you have to release it, so they might just be speculating. | ||
| I don't think Sylvester Stallone would have to release Why His Son Died. | ||
| That's got to be fucking devastating, man. | ||
| That's devastating to you. | ||
| Well, these guys, like, you know, a guy like Stallone, first of all, he's not with the wife anymore, that kid. | ||
| He hasn't been in forever. | ||
| He hasn't been in forever. | ||
| And then on top of that, he's probably doing these movies where he's in Thailand for six months and this place for six months. | ||
| You know, he's doing Rambo and shit and flying all over the place. | ||
| It must be fucking really hard to also be a father. | ||
| A lot of those dudes become drug addicts though. | ||
| It is true. | ||
| It's a lot of them, right? | ||
| They were telling me that one of those Thousand Oaks High School, the big thing was heroin up there. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| I'm one of the high schools up there. | ||
| I bet Oxys. | ||
| When I was a fucking kid, we smoked, they sold joints at school. | ||
| Some people sold little hits of fucking Microdot acid, you know, two dollars a piece, but fucking heroin, you gotta go to the city, that shit. | ||
| Coke? | ||
| Yeah, not really, not in high school. | ||
| You know, it was reefer and little pills and those sheets of paper that were acid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Valiums, all that shit. | ||
| You had to go over the fucking bridge. | ||
| You know, you had to go to Washington Square Park and something to get the party started in those fucking days. | ||
| I think those Thousand Oaks kids, first of all, you're like way out in the suburbs too. | ||
| And all it takes is one freak bitch to convert the whole fucking batch of them. | ||
| All you need to do is have one kid that's down to do some H, down to do some H, bro. | ||
| You know, some one Puerto Rican kid that's like a year older than everybody that's been held back. | ||
| One, but fucking heroin, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can see he's drinking a bottle of Boone's Farm you stole from your uncle's place or something like that. | ||
| The strawberry shit that you puke out and you go, I'll never drink that thing again. | ||
| The fucking heroin that's smoking out of a straw with aluminum foil. | ||
| I've never even seen that type of shit. | ||
| That's disgusting! | ||
| That's gross. | ||
| It's gross, and that's like some proven stupid shit for decades. | ||
| It's not like something new. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Heroin! | ||
| It's not like nobody's had problems with it yet. | ||
| It's not like bath salts, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, dude, I'm telling you, man, bath salts are amazing. | ||
| Nothing even happens. | ||
| Just do it, dude. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| Some shit I sent Stanhope. | ||
| Stanhope didn't know that we had McAfee on the podcast and we were going over it and I told him about the whole bath salts thing. | ||
| He didn't know about that either. | ||
| So then I went back and I said, I'll send you some links. | ||
| You gotta read some of this stuff. | ||
| So I went back and read some of it myself. | ||
| One of the things that McAfee said, he did an interview for one of these Radar Online or something like that about bat salts, about how awesome bat salts are. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but bat salts are the finest drug ever conceived. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, he's now in the United States, right? | ||
| He's in California, probably. | ||
| He confessed that he's a huge fan of MDPV, better known as basalts, and worked for a year trying to purify psychoactive drugs from compounds commercially available over the internet. | ||
| Apparently, he says this is all bullshit now. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Sir. | ||
| Okay, this is not an interview. | ||
| This is all based on articles online, stuff that he wrote on that drug form. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I don't care anymore. | ||
| Stanhope had no idea, though. | ||
| He didn't know that the whole story was just bananas. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I lied. | ||
| There was PCP when I was in high school. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In Jersey, there was what I call THC Crystal, which is really PCP. It was really just watered down fucking PCP. That shit was good, though. | ||
| That shit was good. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| I'll tell you about my boxing coach. | ||
| When I was in Boston, my boxing coach got his finger bitten off when he was on PCP. Somebody bit his finger off, and they took his toe off because his finger was gone. | ||
| It's like from the first knuckle, like the knuckle to the second, like the first stub, this part right here, was still there. | ||
| The rest of it was missing. | ||
| So what they did was they took his, not his big toe, but the second toe. | ||
| They removed that toe and they created a finger. | ||
| They put the bones back in and screwed it in place. | ||
| But you couldn't get it to work, so he had it permanently curved so that he could be able to throw his right hook. | ||
| So he didn't want to have a finger like that where he couldn't box anymore. | ||
| Because that's the only option. | ||
| The option was you could have it fully straight or you could have it permanently curved. | ||
| So he took it permanently curved so he could throw it. | ||
| I want to be able to throw my right hook. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What am I going to do without the right hook? | |
| That's my shot. | ||
| I got a fucking left of the body. | ||
| I'm stepping with the right hook. | ||
| That's goodnight. | ||
| I'm not taking away goodnight. | ||
| So he kept the finger. | ||
| I'm not taking away good night. | ||
| And so I was teaching him Taekwondo when he was teaching me boxing. | ||
| And he would be shuffling around with that fucking four-toed foot. | ||
| Three toes and nothing. | ||
| A big gapper. | ||
| A big floppy gapper between these toes over here and the big toe. | ||
| One was missing. | ||
| And he's just trying to shuffle around and throw that fucking creepy hybrid right hook. | ||
| Part of it was a toe. | ||
| So when you were shaking his hand, you were shaking a little bit of a toe. | ||
| A little bit of toe was in his hand. | ||
| Your hand always smelled like feet. | ||
| Yeah, always. | ||
| It was a thicker finger, you know? | ||
| It was like a mason. | ||
| In 83, I had this gig running numbers from like 10 to 2 in the afternoon on 118th and 3rd for these Puerto Ricans I ain't grown up with. | ||
| I had nothing. | ||
| I had no job. | ||
| I had no direction. | ||
| So I went to them like a man. | ||
| I go, I just need a little help. | ||
| And they were just throwing me like $1.20 a day just to go in and eat their food and tell stories and shit. | ||
| And they tell me, walk around the block, go get this. | ||
| And one day I went over and they're like, no, we're not doing it here today. | ||
| We're doing it up in Brooklyn. | ||
| If you want to go up there, go up there, but it's a short day. | ||
| Because when they switch tracks, the numbers fuck up. | ||
| So I'm walking and I'm going to get a bag of a reefer. | ||
| In those days, Harlem had really good tie stick. | ||
| And I'm walking to get this bag of reefer and this chick comes out to me, Joe Rogan, cute. | ||
| And I'm not really checking around. | ||
| She goes, do you want to go partners on some whatever she called it? | ||
| Jonestown. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, I'll go partners. | ||
| Some cute girl just comes up to you. | ||
| Comes up to me with glasses. | ||
| Black girl. | ||
| 10.30 in the morning comes up to me and says, you want to go partners on some Jonestown? | ||
| Because what you do is they had a bag of dope for 20 bucks, which is reefer. | ||
| And then for like three bucks, you got a tray. | ||
| That's what they call them, trays. | ||
| So she goes, let's go partners on two trays and we'll split it with a spleef or whatever the fuck you say. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| So basically you take the reefer, you put it in the paper, and then you take the tray and you sprinkle the dust in the joint, you roll it, and you bang it out. | ||
| We start smoking this motherfucker. | ||
| And in the middle of it, she tells me that she's pregnant. | ||
| What? | ||
| This bitch just... | ||
| And then she shows me her little belly. | ||
| She's like, yeah, but I'm hooked on these trays and shit. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I didn't fuck her or nothing. | ||
|
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Like, I don't remember what. | |
| But I remember we hung out, like, from 12 to, like, 9 o'clock that night just talking shit. | ||
| I remember taking the bus going, God damn. | ||
| I just smoked fucking Jonestown with a pregnant fucking black chick. | ||
| That's when they would give the names of that shit whenever the tragedy had just happened. | ||
| Remember, what was the black basketball player from the Celtics? | ||
| He was a rookie. | ||
| He did coke and he died. | ||
| Glenn Bias. | ||
| Glenn Bias. | ||
| I remember like the next day, you go over to Harlem and go, who's got the blood? | ||
| I got the shit that killed Bias, motherfucker. | ||
| They always did that. | ||
| That was always it. | ||
| Do you remember when weed was always government weed? | ||
| It was always the government. | ||
| I got the government weed. | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| Like M13 or something? | ||
| Yeah, the dudes had like a name for it. | ||
| Yeah, this is MG17, man. | ||
| There's only like 10 people in the country that are allowed to get this. | ||
| They get this from the government. | ||
| Yeah, the government weed was like the best weed for the longest time. | ||
| Like, if you got a hold of some government weed, that was like some serious shit. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| That's how far weed has come, you know? | ||
| There's a lot of goddamn weed snobs out there, and they need to relax. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| You know what else? | ||
| People that want to tell them, you never had our weed. | ||
| Please shut the fuck up. | ||
|
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Just please. | |
| Please. | ||
| There is no stronger weed anywhere now. | ||
| It's pretty much a saturation. | ||
| The shit that we got in Austin, remember that shit we got in Austin, Texas? | ||
| Oh my Jesus. | ||
| Oh my Jesus. | ||
| And you know what the strongest shit I've gotten all year from? | ||
| Seattle. | ||
| Seattle, when they made it legal, they just took shit to the net. | ||
| The voodoo chicken and moot hooked me up when I was there. | ||
| They gave me this joint that was like a direct... | ||
| remember those old-school operators? | ||
| You know, they would pick up the phone. | ||
| Operator. | ||
| It was right to God. | ||
| Just went right to him. | ||
| Just smoked that weed in. | ||
| Before I went on stage, I remember sitting in the back room, just feeling so vulnerable, but so alive and in tune to everything. | ||
| And me and Sam Tripoli. | ||
| Sam Tripoli was baked out of his fucking mind. | ||
| I mean, it was dangerous. | ||
| Like, wow, this might be too high to talk. | ||
| This might be too high to talk. | ||
| I'm going to tell you something. | ||
| Seattle, Oregon, and Colorado have always had some that strong. | ||
| And if you look at fucking Oregon, it runs through Northern California, the whole Reno area there. | ||
| But you got that rain that affects people, affects all that weed. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because that's outdoor weed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now you add some altitude to that, which there is some. | ||
| It's a little altitude, 2,000 feet up in Mount Rainier, whatever the fuck those mountains are, no geology major, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Colorado, same thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The higher that weed got, the higher you got up into that fucking mountain, that weed just got fucking stronger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, dog, in the wintertime. | ||
| There's something to that weed. | ||
| I smoked some deadly fucking weed in Colorado 20 years ago. | ||
| I don't care what the fuck anybody tells me. | ||
| Forget 28%. | ||
| This shit was off the fucking charts. | ||
| The shit they're growing now. | ||
| The shit they're growing out here now, in a year, we're going to have 45% weed. | ||
| Just clean shit that you smoke and you're done. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Do you think that there's going to be any repercussions to these states making it legal? | ||
| Obama said right now that they're not going to go after people, but that doesn't mean anything, because they said they were only going to go after people that violated both state and federal law when it came to marijuana, but I don't think that was necessarily the case. | ||
| I think the DEA just went after people that their operation was too big. | ||
| I think that was a lot of it. | ||
| What do you think they're going to do here? | ||
| Between you and I, what does the federal government do? | ||
| They shut shit down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So eventually one morning we're going to wake up, we're going to turn the news on, there's going to be a bunch of fucking people on the street and they're going to raid, you know, they're going to take all the resources of one day and raid 20 fucking stores and lock up and confiscate and hit the big ones and hit them where it hurts in the fucking pocket. | ||
| I think they're going to cut out funding or something to the states. | ||
| I think they're just going to fuck the state up where the state's going to be like... | ||
| I don't think the state needs funding. | ||
| The government is not going to have egg on their face, even though whatever they're doing in Colorado... | ||
| With the marijuana, with the medical marijuana situation is fucking beautiful. | ||
| I think if Colorado just went full, like, fucking legal marijuana and took that money and taxed it heavily, look, if you're going to allow people to sell weed, why not charge 20% taxes? | ||
| I think that's really reasonable. | ||
| Yeah, 20% taxes on everything you sell. | ||
| Let's just do that. | ||
| Then that money goes straight to the schools, straight to the cops, straight to the teachers. | ||
| I mean, let's be honest, how much markup is on weed as it is right now? | ||
| Imagine it being legal where everyone can grow it. | ||
| Weed's going to be like fucking grass. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Everyone's going to give a shit. | ||
| It's going to be like lettuce. | ||
| You go to a supermarket, you buy a head of lettuce for like three bucks or whatever. | ||
| You know how long it takes to grow a fucking head of lettuce? | ||
| It's amazing you can get one for three dollars. | ||
| You can get a nutritious piece of vegetable that's a long fucking time to grow and you get it for three bucks. | ||
| That's what it would be like for weed. | ||
| Because when you go up to Santa Barbara and you see those strawberry patches where they just go on and on and on, that would be weed. | ||
| It would all be there. | ||
| Then they'll have to have armed guards because high school kids would be sneaking in and stealing your fucking weed. | ||
| It's not going to be like strawberries. | ||
| They probably wouldn't even care. | ||
| They're probably going to be like, hey, take whatever you want. | ||
| We got a lot of it. | ||
| It's like that scene in Scarface where the guy whips the coke off the ground and fucking licks it. | ||
| It was just on the floor. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It was just on the fucking floor. | ||
| People don't understand that you're going to have... | ||
| If you made legal weed, and you're going to... | ||
| Anytime you have people that are smoking weed, you're going to have examples of people that are wasting their lives smoking weed. | ||
| You're going to have those examples. | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| You're going to have kids that are lazy, that just smoke weed and watch video games, and they used to be good students, but they're not anymore. | ||
| But you're also going to have a lot of other people. | ||
| And this is what pisses me off the most. | ||
| When you see all these news reports about weed and all these problems that people are having with weed, they don't talk about the positive benefits of it. | ||
| Just psychologically. | ||
| We all know the difference between people that we hang out with that smoke weed and that don't smoke weed. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| One of the differences is the people that don't smoke weed, there's a level of reality that they don't operate in. | ||
| You don't go there with them. | ||
| You don't have conversations with them in that level. | ||
| There's a place of vulnerability and respect to the great awe of it all that they don't really possess. | ||
| They have a lens in front of them that they don't ever take out and raw dog the universe. | ||
| When you get really high, it's like you're raw dog in the universe. | ||
| You're getting the whole experience in. | ||
| And one big, crazy, frightening, what you call paranoia, is reality. | ||
| You should be fucking paranoid. | ||
| And that marijuana rush, where it really sets all in and makes you really take in this experience in that freaky, crazy high way. | ||
| If you're hanging out with people that don't smoke weed, they don't go there. | ||
| They don't understand that talk. | ||
| They don't get that conversation. | ||
| You can tell the difference. | ||
| I don't judge people by that. | ||
| I know a lot of cool people that don't smoke weed. | ||
| I know a lot of great people that don't smoke weed, and I like them for that reason. | ||
| I like them for that reason, but I can see where the conversation ends at. | ||
| I have a friend who has a bad back but doesn't get high. | ||
| And I've been trying to explain to them, I understand your lung concerns and stuff. | ||
| There's a fucking tablet now you can take. | ||
| Now they have no more excuses. | ||
| If you have a tight back or whatever, they have a hash oil now that comes in a tablet that looks like a vitamin C tablet that you can travel with on a flight and they won't even fucking ask you. | ||
| So, and he's like, no, I'm scared, I'm whatever. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Then keep going to the fucking chiropractor for the next year. | ||
| Give it a try. | ||
| I know I would if I had a fucking bad back. | ||
| I'd try anything if I had a fucking bad back at that point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's some people that are in fucking serious pain. | ||
| And that's, I tell you man, I've heard a lot of things over the years. | ||
| Listen, I'm not going to, I could sit here and tell you. | ||
| I got mental illness, I got VD, I got an itch in my ass, I got foot fungus. | ||
| I can tell you all this shit that don't give anxiety, sleep apnea, all this shit that don't give it to you for. | ||
| I was smoking weed way before it came up for medical excuses. | ||
| Medical excuses? | ||
| Yeah, I was smoking weed to get fucked up and see the devil, plain and simple. | ||
| To see it the way it was every fucking day. | ||
| That's why I smoke weed. | ||
| But now, you know, now it's because of the medical thing out here and whatever, but do I see a difference in people? | ||
| Yeah, I understand what you're saying. | ||
| You can talk to them a little deeper. | ||
| You can actually even catch them. | ||
| Some people who don't smoke weed, you can't catch them on anything or even confront them on anything because they might have a fucking heart attack. | ||
| People who smoke weed get to a point where you might take them somewhere and they'll giggle at themselves. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| There's an attitude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, the people that can't laugh at themselves are really a pain in the ass to hang out with. | ||
| You gotta laugh at yourself. | ||
| Anybody who can't laugh at themselves is annoying. | ||
| Those are the most annoying humans. | ||
| You can't make fun of your own self at all. | ||
| You don't think... | ||
| What are you, perfect? | ||
| What kind of douchebag are you? | ||
| What are you, the messiah? | ||
| You motherfucker? | ||
| You know, one of the funniest things about Jesus... | ||
| You know, we were talking about people that we know that are going crazy Jesus lately... | ||
| One of the funniest things about Jesus is that if Jesus actually really did come back, nobody would fucking ever believe him. | ||
| Not a chance in hell. | ||
| There's not a chance in hell. | ||
| If that dude wearing sandals and robes and his beard, just like in the pictures, was walking down the street with holes in his hand and blood coming out of his hand, people would probably fucking arrest him. | ||
| They'd either shoot him or arrest him or get him on antidepressants. | ||
| Well, Jesus can't just show up to a party and say, I'm Jesus. | ||
| He's got to do something. | ||
| He's got to do something. | ||
| He's got to do a big fucking trick. | ||
| They would say this is the devil. | ||
| This is the devil trying to pretend he's Jesus. | ||
| He's got to set up like Gabe Rudiger against GSP and for Gabe Rudiger to take GSP down. | ||
| And fucking break his fucking shoulder. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like something to that effect. | ||
| Something just fucking... | ||
| That's what Jesus did. | ||
| That's that ridiculous? | ||
| That would be a miracle? | ||
| That would be enough to convince? | ||
| It's like Joey Diaz going down to 185 and winning the fucking Olympics. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That wouldn't even work. | ||
| You'd have to fly. | ||
| You'd have to come back from the dead. | ||
| I mean, think about the shit that Jesus did. | ||
| He healed the sick. | ||
| Didn't he cure blind people? | ||
| Was that one of the ones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Turned water into wine? | ||
| No, that was Moses who cut the ocean. | ||
| Did he turn water into wine? | ||
| He did, right? | ||
| Let me ask you something on the other side. | ||
| Can you imagine they drug tested comics? | ||
| We were talking about the other day. | ||
| Let's say you got a really bad comic and he kills three nights in a row like comics would get together. | ||
| Come here. | ||
| The guy's on weed. | ||
| The guy's on fucking something, though. | ||
| He's on testosterone. | ||
| We better check him out. | ||
| Well, we're all on performance enhancing supplements when it comes to comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Weed? | ||
| Weed and alpha brain together? | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| That's a goddamn performance in here. | ||
| Weed, for me, loosens me. | ||
| And an edible, to a certain degree. | ||
| Like, if I eat the edible at a certain time and I'm all wired up, I'll eat death on fucking stage. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it comes to a point in time with an edible when I just get giggly as fuck. | ||
| And now you can't stop me at that point. | ||
| Yeah, that's like a comfortable level. | ||
| The scary skiing feeling when you're skiing through the universe on an edible. | ||
| Oh, I can't stop! | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| When you're stoned and it's dark at the comedy store. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| When you're stoned and it's fucking dark. | ||
| When you don't see nobody but the three people in front of you that you're talking to. | ||
| Stoned and dark. | ||
| And you think you're speaking in the dark. | ||
| You're just talking into the darkness. | ||
| There's laughter. | ||
| But you don't question it. | ||
| Because you're fucked up. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And that hollow echo feeling in the room. | ||
| That OR, man. | ||
| You want to talk about a historic room. | ||
| As far as comedy rooms... | ||
| That original room was one of the most historic rooms ever in the art form of comedy. | ||
| There was a weird feeling always just being on that stage. | ||
| That was always like, wow. | ||
| It doesn't matter how many years it did stand up. | ||
| When you're on stage in the original room, you're like, wow, this is a crazy old spot. | ||
| My breath just got taken away because I finally figured out how I could explain the OR to people because they'll get it. | ||
| When you go to a gym, the older the gym The more you can smell it. | ||
| And I don't mean armpit. | ||
| There's a different odor to a gym. | ||
| It's like when you go to a good jujitsu school, you can smell a little foot. | ||
| It's not overwhelming, but you can smell just a little foot in the air. | ||
| You're like, this is a good fucking gym. | ||
| It's just that perfect amount of foot. | ||
| It's not cheese. | ||
| It's just foot. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's just foot. | ||
| Well, there's one thing that you do get from places that have a lot of experience, and that's like they have a weird vibe to them, like the Ice House. | ||
| Like, we were at the Ice House the other day after it was closed. | ||
| It was dark out, and we're standing in the back. | ||
| I was like, feel this room, man. | ||
| This room has got, like, a crazy vibration. | ||
| It sounds like total, like, hippie bullshit. | ||
| That sounds like... | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| Like, objects do not have memory. | ||
| That's what Cara Santa Maria would tell you. | ||
| There's no evidence that objects have memory. | ||
| But there's a feel that places have. | ||
| Whether that's a self-imposed feel, you've maybe created it in your own imagination. | ||
| But when I stand in the back room of the ice house, I stand there, I just go, wow. | ||
| This is a crazy-ass room. | ||
| Like, Steve Martin motherfucking performed here. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, I watched George Lopez kill there in the 90s. | ||
| Kill! | ||
| When George Lopez was on fire. | ||
| Like, the late 90s. | ||
| Before George Lopez had any TV shows, maybe he had a few things going on when he was just hitting it hard in the clubs every night. | ||
| I watched him destroy that ice house. | ||
| There's like a sign up there when George Lopez was at his prime there where he sold out like fucking 15 shows in a row there or something crazy like that, you know? | ||
| And that place has seen some shit. | ||
| No, but it's nothing like walking up the stairs into the original room. | ||
| Nothing like making that left up those stairs when you're walking straight and somebody goes, where? | ||
| There. | ||
| Right or wrong? | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Can you feel it, motherfuckers? | ||
| When you first go in there, you're like, which way? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Move that curtain aside. | ||
| And you walk up those fucking stairs, and just that odor, it smells like a little bit of booze, a little bit like pussy, a little bit of sweat, bad comedy, good comedy, but it smells like... | ||
| It just smells like success. | ||
| It just smells like something. | ||
| Something is in the air that you gotta do your thing in there. | ||
| You really gotta do your thing in there. | ||
| And then when you sit in the back and you feel the lights would go off and on, and you'd hear that zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, the lights. | ||
| It was just a weird little comedy thing. | ||
| You ever get to do, you hosted open mics there, right? | ||
| That was my job. | ||
| I hosted the open mic, but I was the 10 o'clock guy. | ||
| You know what's cool about that? | ||
| When the lights were on with all the different people's names. | ||
| Please, yeah. | ||
| You know, you get to see Sam Kinison and Neon. | ||
| That was one of my biggest scams of all time, hosting at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Why was it a scam? | ||
| Because I had a perfect deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would fucking go up there. | |
| Get 25 bucks to host. | ||
| I would do 20, 15 up front. | ||
| I would either call Rogan or Dice and tell them to come down because I was hosting and I'd put you up first. | ||
| You guys went up in an hour and I'd go home. | ||
| And Don Barris would close the show. | ||
| And that's the way it was. | ||
| I would go up there to do a set and bring up a fucking star and leave. | ||
| You know what the problem was though? | ||
| When we were there all the time, we were doing Comedy Store Comedy. | ||
| And then when we would go somewhere else, We would bring Comedy Store Comedy to them too, and there was a lot of places that could not handle it. | ||
| Remember when you got fucking kicked out of Dublin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is like fucking 97 or something like that. | |
| We go and do a set at Dublin's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And all of a sudden I hear yelling and whatnot. | |
| Joey has got some chick in an ice house. | ||
| Like a freezer. | ||
| Like a giant in-room freezer. | ||
| And he's eating coke off her pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And security comes in and tells him he's got to stop. | |
| There's a camera in the fucking liquor. | ||
| There's a camera in there and they were watching it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That place is closed now, right? | |
| Yeah, it's closed. | ||
| I put the coke in my sock and the cops came. | ||
| And I'm standing in front of the fucking thing with the chick crying with her girlfriends. | ||
| I've never had that happen before. | ||
| And the guy with the long hair, remember that he stopped you that night? | ||
| This guy almost died and all this shit. | ||
| Because he was there with them. | ||
| I see the girl in the hallway and I'm like, let's go downstairs. | ||
| She's got a blow. | ||
| Alonzo Bowden's talking to me. | ||
| Yeah, didn't he say something stupid like, I almost fucking killed him? | ||
| Yeah, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| But the best is I'm sitting there. | ||
| Fuckin', I got the eight ball in my sock, cause I'm not giving that motherfucker up till the cops get there. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I'm old school. | ||
| If the cops want to, nothing happens. | ||
| Where's the rest of the drugs? | ||
| They're downstairs. | ||
| Let me search you. | ||
| You can't search me. | ||
| You can't fuckin' search me. | ||
| You have no reason. | ||
| It's his word against mine. | ||
| Where's the tape? | ||
| You know, I would've held on to that coke, but the savior that night was Ralphie May. | ||
| He went to the All You Could Eat at the Japanese fuckin' place across the street. | ||
| What's the name of the Japanese place? | ||
| The Yagi's. | ||
| Is that place there anymore? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a pink taco now. | ||
| Is it a pink taco now? | ||
| Yeah, it's a pink taco now. | ||
| Is it a taco place now? | ||
| It's a pink taco, that place from Vegas. | ||
| Do you know the pink tacos, that place in the Hard Rock in Vegas? | ||
| Good place. | ||
| They opened a taco. | ||
| It's a hot place, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's where all the celebrities go to eat $20 tacos. | |
| So what happened to the taco place up the corner? | ||
| The little one on the corner. | ||
| It's like $92 to get two tacos in there. | ||
| Not bad tacos, though. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of... | ||
| Benito's is the best. | ||
| Is Benito's good? | ||
| You like Benito's? | ||
| Benito's is fantastic, and it's 24 hours. | ||
| Is that on Beverly? | ||
| Is that where that is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, yeah. | |
| We used to always go there after the improv. | ||
| That place is sensational. | ||
| That is legit. | ||
| What do you get over at Benito's? | ||
| Cane Asada, my friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| With extra hot sauce. | ||
| Don't play games. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Get that Cane Asada with all the real fresh chopped cilantro and onions in that motherfucker, and they have pickled jalapenos there. | ||
| Take your chances with those bitches. | ||
| Yeah, and then throw some hot sauce on that fucker. | ||
| Googly boogly and shit. | ||
| And by the way, it's packed with drunks. | ||
| Packed with drunks. | ||
| You'll always find somebody you know there. | ||
| There's always somebody you know there. | ||
| Or a victim. | ||
| After a comedy show. | ||
| Or a victim. | ||
| Or a victim. | ||
| You like tacos? | ||
| I'm gonna go over to my house. | ||
| Yeah, can we come too? | ||
| Yeah, let me make a left on the fucking corner. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You guys don't do coke, do you? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I don't do it either, but I just ask. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I don't do it. | |
| I will. | ||
| I mean, if you have it, I will. | ||
| But the last place I went to, they had a bunch of cocaine. | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| I don't even remember what happened, but I got VD, and I didn't even know it until I gave it to Joey Diaz. | ||
| No, I got chlamydia, bitch. | ||
| Big fucking difference. | ||
| I've never seen the leakage out of my helmet. | ||
| I've seen it out of her fucking pussy. | ||
| That's where I've seen it. | ||
| How did you know you had it then? | ||
| Because I had itches. | ||
| I had a fucking burning sensation in the tube. | ||
| You had a burning temptation in the fucking tube. | ||
| This should be something that they sell you. | ||
| Have you made a critical error with your penis? | ||
| This should be something you could just slap on or kill 99.999% of it. | ||
| Shoot it in the tube. | ||
| Shoot it right in the hole. | ||
| Right in the piss hole. | ||
| And then wipe it on the outside and it kills almost everything. | ||
| Well, the foot spray says it kills 99% of all viruses. | ||
| And so what I did... | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
| What I was going to do is spray it on my dick and then I was in the bathroom doing it and I looked over at the mouthwash And it's a 98% on it also, or 99%. | ||
| I'm like, it can't be the same percent. | ||
| You know, like that one thing has to be different. | ||
| What's the odds? | ||
| But I think that 1% is like AIDS or something. | ||
| I think it's probably just alcohol, right? | ||
| Is that what's killing everything? | ||
| So I think that number is the same, whether it's the mouthwash. | ||
| Is foot spray the same though as the mouthwash? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what kind of foot spray you're rocking. | ||
| Foot spray freezes your dick, so you can do it from a distance. | ||
| Don't do it really close up. | ||
| Because it comes out like freezing. | ||
| Like it could freeze something. | ||
| Have you ever seen that stuff that you use to clean off the spray that you use to clean off keyboards? | ||
| Yeah, same thing. | ||
| You know how it gets really, really cold? | ||
| That's the same thing. | ||
| I read somewhere that someone was addicted to that spray. | ||
| I used to do it in high school, but I wasn't addicted to it. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| What the fuck does it do? | ||
| It's just like, you know, nitrous oxide, like everyone did nitrous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whippets. | |
| Yeah, Whippets. | ||
| It's like that, but it's like a shittier version of it. | ||
| And it just kind of makes you go wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. | ||
| I worked at a Newport Creamery, which is an ice cream place in Newton, Massachusetts. | ||
| And I never, I think I did Whippets once, but it didn't really work with me. | ||
| But the people that worked there, there was this one kid. | ||
| I'll just say his last name because he knows friends. | ||
| He knows people that I know now. | ||
| His name is Charles. | ||
| I don't know if he wants this information released. | ||
| But Charles was working there as I was working there. | ||
| And he would tell somebody, watch the grill real quick. | ||
| And he would run in the back. | ||
| And he was cooking while I was doing dishes. | ||
| And he would run in the back and grab the thing. | ||
| Do a whip it and then run back out to the grill. | ||
| Twist it out of his head. | ||
| The best is what they call nitrous hits. | ||
| What you do is you take a balloon and you fill the balloon up with nitrous bong hits. | ||
| You fill the balloon up and then you put it on the bong somehow. | ||
| I can't remember how to do it. | ||
| So when you... | ||
| Inhale the bong, it's all nitrous air. | ||
| So you're getting pot air mixed with nitrous air when you hit it. | ||
| See, that's something only white people would come up with. | ||
| And then snow bong hits where you pack your bong full of snow in the wintertime. | ||
| You suck it through the snow. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| I've done it a thousand times. | ||
| In Colorado, I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I would get the fresh snow and pack in the bong. | ||
| Smoke, I love all that. | ||
| But now if I have a bong, I put ice in it too. | ||
| Well, we used to smoke bongs before we did the podcast, but the problem is you get too stony, you don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| It's like, if you're going to do bong hits and then do a podcast, you've got to take an hour or two before you talk, because you're not going to really have your fucking sea legs under you, as Dennis McKenna would say. | ||
| Is that joint still rocking, by the way? | ||
| Yeah, it's right over here. | ||
| You wouldn't... | ||
| You can't, you know... | ||
| Bongs are too strong. | ||
| Vaporizers, don't you find... | ||
| Don't you find vaporizers to be a different experience? | ||
| It doesn't seem to be the same experience as just smoking it. | ||
| I want to get one of those vape pens. | ||
| I have one at the house. | ||
| This guy had one last night that was mint chocolate. | ||
| I'm like, alright, these vape pens aren't the best. | ||
| Whatever, I don't care. | ||
| I took two hits off that, and it tasted so delicious. | ||
| It tasted like ice cream, and I was so fucking stoned off that thing. | ||
| Everyone has them now in L.A. Everyone has these pins that look like little... | ||
| In six months, that's going to be the thing. | ||
| That's the big thing, right? | ||
| And somebody's going to invent one that's going to fuck people up. | ||
| You know, that's the bottom line. | ||
| Somebody's really going to... | ||
| Like, the Eureka gets me high, but at night, I don't get high. | ||
| at night I won't get high and I gotta switch up the tubes a lot like right now I got a a sativa and I have something else, I got a pretty good fucking sativa let me ask you this Joe Diaz *cough* If you were going to do anything with this room, what would you suggest being done here with this new studio? | ||
| Well, outside you have to have a mat out there. | ||
| A mat for jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Your office is in there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's your office. | ||
| You know, what's the waiting room? | ||
| In case people come by and there's an extra room. | ||
| There ain't no fucking extra people. | ||
| We had a couple people here the other day. | ||
| Dennis brought a posse with them. | ||
| Russell Peters comes here? | ||
| You're going to need that just for him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just for his ego. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Well, where else can you put the pool table? | ||
| Just kidding, Russell. | ||
| I know I love you. | ||
| I would definitely have a Matt up here, though. | ||
| A lot of people are mad at Russell Peters because of that Mixmaster Mike interview. | ||
| I thought he added a lot to it. | ||
| He added a lot of DJ knowledge, you know, told us a lot of shit about needles. | ||
| Why are people such haters? | ||
| I talked to him about it a couple days ago. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| He was bummed about it. | ||
| Because, you know, Twitter is so harsh. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's just a bunch of mean cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, most people, like, why not just listen to it and just take it in? | ||
| It was a goddamn three-hour conversation. | ||
| Mike told a lot of shit about working with the Beastie Boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Told a lot of shit about DJing, being in front of... | ||
| He said he was in front of 400,000 fucking people. | ||
| 400,000 people in Germany. | ||
| By the way, his CD's out now. | ||
| His free CD's out. | ||
| Where do you get it? | ||
| I think it's MixMasterMike.com. | ||
| MixMasterMike.com. | ||
| I believe the I's are all ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think it's one of those... | ||
| He's leet. | ||
| Remember that back in the video game days? | ||
| He'd be leet. | ||
| On his Twitter, yeah, I think it's one. | ||
| But his website's MixMasterMike.com using the regular spelling. | ||
| It's a free CD and it's really good. | ||
| It's a remix CD. And he's cool as fuck. | ||
| It was awesome having him on the podcast. | ||
| Even if Russell Peters did fuck up the interview. | ||
| Russell, you didn't. | ||
| You didn't. | ||
| Russell's a sweetie. | ||
| I don't know how anybody could not like Russell. | ||
| You're bipolar today. | ||
| No, I'm just playing. | ||
| I'm just joking. | ||
| Russell Polar. | ||
| Russell fucking Pete is a nice kid. | ||
| He's a really gentleman. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He takes a good cab. | ||
| A lot of good friends of mine. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He takes a good cab. | ||
| You know what I like? | ||
| I like when a guy hits big like he does and becomes more generous. | ||
| That's how he is. | ||
| You know something he did I didn't know about? | ||
| I found out the other day when Sam... | ||
| There was an HBO special. | ||
| They originally wanted to have Sam on the HBO special or the Comedy Central special, but then at the last second they're like, alright, we don't have enough money for you, Sam, to pay for you and to film it and all that stuff, so we're not going to have you on the special. | ||
| So Russell paid out of his own pocket, like paid for them to film it and put it on the special, and that really pumped up Sam Tripoli like five years ago or so. | ||
| That totally sounds like something he would do. | ||
| He's a perfect example of a guy who's got a lot of great things that are happening for him. | ||
| Like if you see Russell was showing me pictures on his phone, he's doing like 15,000 seat arenas. | ||
| And he's doing them on a regular basis. | ||
| And he's a perfect example of a guy who's just a fucking sweetheart of a guy, and people go to see him, they have a great experience, and they tell more people about him, and then they come and see him more, and then he's got swarms of people. | ||
| And it all happened, by the way, because they liked his stuff. | ||
| This didn't happen because he was on some fucking crazy sitcom, it didn't happen because he was in a great movie, It happened because he had YouTube clips. | ||
| People saw the YouTube clips and said, this guy is awesome. | ||
| And then it all grew from there. | ||
| He has one of the... | ||
| Russell Peters is one of the best internet success stories ever. | ||
| He really does. | ||
| As far as us, as far as comics that have gone from just putting out a video and then making it huge in big places, Russell's the fucking man. | ||
| And he's a sweetheart. | ||
| I've hung out with that guy in Vegas so many times. | ||
| He gave me this fucking watch. | ||
| Gave it to me. | ||
| He's a gentleman. | ||
| See this watch? | ||
| This is like a really nice watch. | ||
| It's a Breitling. | ||
| And all I did is I said, we were at a bar. | ||
| You were there. | ||
| I said, hey man. | ||
| It's like a $10,000 watch, right? | ||
| Or something crazy like that? | ||
| I don't know what it costs, but it's pretty... | ||
| You traded watches and he threw your watch away the next day because it smelled. | ||
| My watch, I would wear it at the gym. | ||
| Sorry, it had a leather band on it. | ||
| I'd be lifting weights with that watch. | ||
| You should have kept it. | ||
| That smell would have attracted powerful females. | ||
| Yeah, I looked at his watch and I go, that's a cool watch, man. | ||
| Just like that. | ||
| I just go, that's a cool watch. | ||
| And he goes, here, it's yours. | ||
| And I go, get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| He's like, take it, take it, take it. | ||
| Grabs my hand, sticks it over my hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's ridiculous. | |
| Or Buck Angel. | ||
| It would attract Buck Angel. | ||
| My watch would attract Buck Angel. | ||
| How much do you want for the watch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need that. | |
| That's the last piece to my puzzle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I put that watch on, I'll be fucking manly. | |
| I wonder if girls who become boys still stink like dudes do. | ||
| Because dudes put out a certain fucking... | ||
| Pheromones. | ||
| Stinky dudes put out a certain odor that you don't get from stinky chicks. | ||
| When you're in the line... | ||
| At the airport when you're going through security, so you're forced to be like really close to people, and you get a whiff of a motherfucker. | ||
| It's very rarely a girl. | ||
| It's almost always a dude. | ||
| There's always a dude who's like, whoa, this motherfucker stinks! | ||
| That like heavy, rotten, underarm smell. | ||
| Butthole smell, too, sometimes. | ||
| Apparently, I found the answer to our question earlier about underarms. | ||
| And what it was, women started shaving their legs in, it was like the 1940s. | ||
| Or, like, 1915, rather. | ||
| There was a campaign for women to shave their underarm hair. | ||
| Because before 1915, women didn't shave their underarm hair. | ||
| They all went straight Madonna. | ||
| And there was a sustained, they were browbeaten into this In 1915, apparently. | ||
| I would like to find out what the campaigns looked like. | ||
| But it was in Harper's Bazaar, a magazine aimed at the upper crust. | ||
| The first ad featured a waist-up photograph of a young woman who appears to be dressed in a slip. | ||
| With a toga-like outfit covering one shoulder, her arms are arched over her head, revealing perfectly clear armpits. | ||
| The first part of the ad read, Summer dress and modern dancing combine to make necessary the removal of objectionable hair. | ||
| So that's what it is. | ||
| They just showed some women some unrealistic vision, much like we have seen in our lifetime with pussy, like we were talking about earlier. | ||
| When I was a kid, a girl would pull her pants down and you got what you got. | ||
| You got welcome to the jungle. | ||
| You got fucking craziness. | ||
| We didn't do anything with our pubes. | ||
| They didn't do anything with theirs. | ||
| And if a girl did shave her pussy, oh my god, it was like chaos. | ||
| I had a girl that broke up with her boyfriend, okay, and then we got back together again and we couldn't have sex. | ||
| She goes, we can't have sex. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| She goes, we can't, I can't. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| What's wrong? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She goes, I shaved myself down there for him. | |
| She was embarrassed that her pussy hair hadn't grown back yet. | ||
| So I was like, it's alright. | ||
| It's no big deal. | ||
| You just don't have any pussy hair. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| What, I don't know that you had sex with this guy? | ||
| Settle the fuck down. | ||
| I can do two. | ||
| I can do the math. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm ashamed. | |
| She was ashamed. | ||
| She was ashamed that she shaved off her pussy hair for this guy. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| She couldn't just say, yeah, that's my new thing. | ||
| You know, fuck pussy hair. | ||
| No, it was dirty. | ||
| It was dirty for her. | ||
| She had done a dirty, dirty thing. | ||
| She shaved her pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| You know what I did for him? | ||
| What? | ||
| I shaved my pussy. | ||
| No you didn't! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up! | |
| Let me see. | ||
| They would pull their underwear down and then that girl would go immediately and tell all of her friends. | ||
| That dirty bitch is shaving her pussy. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Give me a cigarette. | ||
| I need a cigarette right now. | ||
| I can't believe this. | ||
| Oh my god, that whore. | ||
| That whore is shaving her pussy. | ||
| All these chicks in Boston would sit around smoking cigarettes, talk shit about if you should've shaved your pussy. | ||
| They found out a fucking whore. | ||
| Why don't you just put a sign and say, come fuck me? | ||
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Anti-arm hair ads began appearing in middle brow McCall's in 1917. Women's razors and depilatories? | ||
| What's depilatory? | ||
| I guess that pulls it out from the roots, right? | ||
| Those are those horrible ones. | ||
| You ever seen those things? | ||
| They look like fucking springs and they just wrap around your armpit hair and yank them out of the roots? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| Whoa, that's gay. | ||
| That's very gay. | ||
| That's very gay. | ||
| That's uncomfortable. | ||
| That's uncomfortably gay. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Some about a dude that's too lean. | ||
| So Instagram, the president of Instagram... | ||
| Please tell me this. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So originally what happened is Instagram supposedly had these new rules out saying, and in the rules it was deciphered that Instagram can sell your photos to a third party. | ||
| So say like you're an advertising company that's like, hey, I want to buy some photos of girls kissing balloons. | ||
| And then so that you could go in there and they could just buy your photos and make money off your photos. | ||
| Meaning they can turn a profit on your photos. | ||
| So you might be able to go to a store one day to buy Mountain Dew, and there's a picture of you laughing with a Mountain Dew in your hand that you put on your Instagram. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But Instagram, just within the last couple hours, the co-owner or president or something like that said that this is not the case. | ||
| This is just a mis... | ||
| People are taking this wrong. | ||
| We are not selling the photos. | ||
| You own the photos. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| But... | ||
| That seems kind of weird. | ||
| Why is it written down that way? | ||
| Unless they change the terms, there's still some question there. | ||
| I guess there's more developing about it, so we'll figure it out soon. | ||
| You have until January 16th where this new term kicks in. | ||
| If you delete your account, supposedly, and all your photos by that time, then they won't I have the photos. | ||
| It's probably some mad backlash. | ||
| That's what that probably was. | ||
| Yeah, it looks like it. | ||
| They got caught, pretty much. | ||
| But Instagram is now owned by Facebook, and Facebook also is going through the same kind of shit right now with this whole, like, do they own your property? | ||
| Can they, you know... | ||
| Well, I think it's really important. | ||
| I mean, if there's anything, any, like, function that groups like Anonymous serve, you know, that it's really important. | ||
| It's not just, like, political and governmental stuff, but shit like this. | ||
| To keep companies on their toes. | ||
| Like, hackers? | ||
| Like, just the threat of someone realizing that there's an imbalance and wanting to correct it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That these really intelligent kids that are in Russia and shit from all sorts of places where you can't get them through a hundred proxies, they will come down on you, man. | ||
| They will come fuck you. | ||
| And, you know, I think Instagram probably recognized that. | ||
| I hope that's not what it was. | ||
| I hope that there really was a misunderstanding in the first place. | ||
| You never want to hear that a company is thinking about selling all your fucking pictures. | ||
| Well, you also have to think that a lot of times that this happens all the time. | ||
| You sign up for a website and you upload something to their computers. | ||
| They actually do pretty much own that. | ||
| If you look at it as basic as if you have your own website and it's a computer hooked up at your house and you have your website on that computer and then somebody's putting files on your computer. | ||
| That's like a real basic version of what Facebook is. | ||
| They own all these computers. | ||
| You're putting your information and your stuff and you're putting it on their computer. | ||
| They do pretty much own it. | ||
| If they went out of business tomorrow and just turned off the lights, they could take all those computers and look at all your pictures and they own your pictures. | ||
| Right, but I think the real issue in this country is if you try to sell it. | ||
| But it's the idea that you also don't really think like, shit, every single text that I do back and forth between people on Facebook... | ||
| Or any photo that I have hidden in my inbox. | ||
| Or anything that I have private that no one can see except me. | ||
| All that can be seen by somebody. | ||
| And somebody can own that and take that. | ||
| So if you ever say or do anything, they pretty much... | ||
| Get to do whatever the fuck they want with it, except sell it, I guess is the big thing. | ||
| Yeah, I think the big thing, though, is to sell it, especially the using it for advertising. | ||
| So as long as they're not going to do that, they will escape the wrath of the fucking Legion. | ||
| Yeah, but what if it's something like, you know, how this guy is talking today about, like, you know, we are not going to sell your stuff, you know, you don't... | ||
| What if he's just also saying that as a backlash but in a way of like, yeah, we're not going to sell it. | ||
| We're going to get money to sponsor a company and then we're just going to give them your photos. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're doing some kind of back snag away where they're getting paid for it But just not directly. | ||
| I guess that's possible. | ||
| But I think you also have to think of, what is this service worth and why am I getting it for free? | ||
| What am I giving them? | ||
| I'm giving them a bunch of users. | ||
| Well, a bunch of users ain't worth shit unless you can get something out of it. | ||
| So what is it worth? | ||
| Is it worth That they put a little ad in the corner of your picture when people go to look at me. | ||
| Where's the line that you draw? | ||
| Because we're basically getting this free service where we get to upload these photos. | ||
| And one of the things that you and I know about from doing this podcast is that bandwidth costs a lot of fucking money. | ||
| If you're like... | ||
| If you're a company like Instagram, they must be dealing in insane gigabytes to run their servers. | ||
| That's why I don't understand how Instagram even became big. | ||
| I know it's the filter thing. | ||
| Everyone wants to see the filters. | ||
| Filters are so big right now. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's girls pretending to look different than they look. | ||
| Superior companies like Flickr, who I've been using for a long time, where you pay a little bit, I think it's like 40 bucks a year, but you own everything. | ||
| You don't have to worry about this Instagram shit like that. | ||
| When it comes to filters, half the apps That you have on your phone just make filters and you just send it to Flickr. | ||
| The thing about Instagram, though, is it became a phone thing, whereas Flickr was like a computer thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Instagram became a way for people to communicate, like Twitter style. | ||
| Twitter style. | ||
| With a picture. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I don't know why it became an entity on its own. | ||
| Like, why didn't they just use TwitPic? | ||
| Yeah, I don't get that. | ||
| Or any of the built-in Twitter pictures. | ||
| It's because of the filters, I think. | ||
| It's just the app. | ||
| Yeah, those tricky bitches. | ||
| They want to look like magenta, hued. | ||
| They want to look like they're living in a dream. | ||
| And there's only, what, eight different filters? | ||
| You get an app, there's one called 100 Cameras, where it has a hundred different apps. | ||
| Filters, you know? | ||
| And it's like 99 cents. | ||
| And it just sends it to your Twitter. | ||
| Your TwitPic or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of them like that, right? | ||
| That like connect with it. | ||
| It's probably better than Instagram. | ||
| But I've got like 50,000 fucking people on my Instagram. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| At this point in time, how many of those are not on my Twitter? | ||
| Like I can't abandon them. | ||
| Yeah, unless everybody abandons it because of this new policy shit. | ||
| I mean, if it stays how it originally was where they do get to do whatever the fuck they want to and they will... | ||
| I probably will delete my account, because I only went on Instagram because everyone told me to, and it's like, oh, it's so popular, and I'm like, yeah, I don't get it. | ||
| You know, I can use TwitPic. | ||
| Remember Everlast told me I have to use it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You came in and said that people have been mad that you don't use your Instagram. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| What's wrong with it? | ||
| I got to tweet a day almost about it. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what's going on now? | ||
| For whatever fucking reason, even though I've updated it, my iPhone does not want to connect with the fucking Instagram. | ||
| My iPhone is not interested in sending pictures through Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because he's fucking smart. | ||
| He knew this whole fucking thing was going to happen. | ||
| You can't blame your fucking iPhone. | ||
| He's doing good. | ||
| I got a new iPhone and it's like, fuck you, bitch. | ||
| Every time I try to send pictures through iPhone. | ||
| I was trying to send this Instagram photo because I took a photo of Brad Pitt with Chanel No. | ||
| 5. Brad Pitt's got a fucking men's cologne commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| But I was trying to put on Twitter or on Instagram that if you buy this stinky shit, I hope nobody fucks you for the rest of your life. | ||
| I was trying to put that out, which I thought would be nice and witty on my way home from the airport. | ||
| You're anti-cologne all the way. | ||
| It's fucking gross, man. | ||
| I do one little spray of Timberlake before I leave every day. | ||
| That's confusing as my animal knows. | ||
| I don't trust guys if they have cologne on. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| If I smell cologne on a guy, I... Yeah, but I put it mildly. | ||
| He has a good smell. | ||
| Timberlake, the fucking singer? | ||
| Yeah, here. | ||
| You probably can't even smell it. | ||
| I don't want to smell nobody. | ||
| I don't want to smell nobody. | ||
| Trust me, I'll fucking fart right on your legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't come over here. | |
| Don't come over here, you fuck. | ||
| I don't want to smell no coffee. | ||
| Whatever, yeah. | ||
| Whatever you're stinking of, he's not... | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Don't do it to him. | ||
| No, you can't smell. | ||
| I can't smell. | ||
| Don't do it, Joey. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Don't let him. | ||
| Don't let him. | ||
| Go away, cocksucker. | ||
| Go away, cocksucker. | ||
| Is that Mitzi Shore? | ||
| Go away, cocksucker. | ||
| I'll stab you with this coffee pick. | ||
| Is that Mitzi? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who are you doing there? | |
| Go away, cocksucker. | ||
| That's Joey Diaz and Mitzi Shore. | ||
| I'll tweet you guys this picture later after the show's over. | ||
| One of the problems it might be, when was the last time you reset your phone? | ||
| I did it. | ||
| I did it twice. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I did everything. | ||
| I disconnected. | ||
| I deleted Twitter. | ||
| I deleted Instagram. | ||
| I reinstalled both of them. | ||
| It won't work. | ||
| Have you put in your password lately on Instagram? | ||
| Maybe you have a wrong password in there? | ||
| No, no, it's all right. | ||
| Everything's right. | ||
| It just won't reach the server. | ||
| It logs on Instagram, won't reach the server. | ||
| Some wacky bullshit. | ||
| Are you on the Verizon network? | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It understands that I like my Samsung Galaxy S3 a little bit better. | ||
| My Samsung Galaxy S3 from Ting Mobile. | ||
| I like it a little better. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| I like this wacky fucking phone. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| That's crazy talk. | ||
| It's not crazy talk. | ||
| You don't like your iPhone, Doug? | ||
| I like the Samsung Galaxy S3 better. | ||
| I think that fucking big screen... | ||
| But how does that camera compare to the iPhone? | ||
| Badass. | ||
| Badass. | ||
| Oh, you like the Samsung better? | ||
| They're both awesome. | ||
| The Samsung Galaxy S3 has a sick camera. | ||
| I saw Red Band's fucking iPhone camera. | ||
| You should see the S3. That's a Showtime special. | ||
| You know what else it does? | ||
| You know what else the S3 does? | ||
| I can take a burst of photos. | ||
| You could jump up in the air and I'll take a burst of photos. | ||
| Up and down. | ||
| Takes like a shitload. | ||
| And this is on the Verizon network, correct? | ||
| I think you can get it on Verizon. | ||
| I know you can get it on Sprint. | ||
| We have it on Ting, which is on Sprint. | ||
| And I know you can get it on AT&T, too. | ||
| It's fucking wicked. | ||
| Those big screens are wicked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good. | |
| And like everything else, it doesn't. | ||
| It's good enough. | ||
| How much shit do you need? | ||
| How many apps do you need? | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Except Bladeslinger from Kerosene Games. | |
| Coming out in January on the Android application. | ||
| I listened to some Pablo Francisco the other day. | ||
| What are you doing with this Brad Pitt commercial? | ||
| You really playing a Brad Pitt commercial, you fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not a journey. | |
| Every journey ends, but we go on. | ||
| I'd let him fuck me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The world turns and we turn with it. | |
| What? | ||
| You're too deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're too deep. | |
| Plans disappear. | ||
| Put it in my mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dreams take over. | |
| But wherever I go, there you are. | ||
| I bet his kiss is salty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My luck, my fate, my fortune. | |
| Chanel No. | ||
| 5. Whoa, no you didn't, Brad. | ||
| Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad. | ||
| There's not enough money in the world for that, Brad. | ||
| Who's your fucking agent? | ||
| You could have cut it off before you said Chanel No. | ||
| 5. You would have been okay. | ||
| You would have been okay as long as you didn't mention the name. | ||
| Then why give that whole preamble? | ||
| Why give you the fucking ear beating if you're not going to say Chanel No. | ||
| 5? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| He has to end it and let someone else, like Morgan Freeman, say Chanel No. | ||
| 5. Someone else says Chanel No. | ||
| 5. Someone unrelated to that really corny fucking speech. | ||
| It's not a walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every walk ends, but we go on. | |
| The stick flies and we chase after it. | ||
| Training disappears. | ||
| Instincts take over. | ||
| Do not change this channel. | ||
| But wherever I fetch... | ||
| There you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My wag. | |
| My treat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My belly rub. | |
| Canel number five. | ||
| That's a joke, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That was a joke one. | ||
| Meanwhile, by the way, less pretentious than the Brad Pitt one. | ||
| It was, wasn't it? | ||
| Wasn't it less pretentious? | ||
| Let's go back to the Brad Pitt one and let's examine this because this is one of the most preposterous commercials I've seen since the baby Just For Men commercial where the baby drives a Porsche. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every journey ends, but we go on. | |
| The world turns and we turn with it. | ||
| Plans disappear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dreams take over. | |
| But wherever I go, there you are. | ||
| My luck, my fate, my fortune. | ||
| Chanel No. | ||
| 5. I guess there's more of them. | ||
| We gotta find more of them because I'll never listen to a word that motherfucker says ever again. | ||
| Unless they gave all of that money to pregnant babies in Africa. | ||
| Unless 100% of that money went to the pregnant babies. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| No, just that commercial. | ||
| I just saw the picture of him with Chanel No. | ||
| 5 and I just was going to tweet something silly about it. | ||
| But I didn't know that there was a whole goddamn advertising campaign that has the most preposterous ads ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we go on. | |
| The world turns. | ||
| It's not a journey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every journey ends. | |
| But we go on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The world turns and we turn with it. | |
| Plans disappear. | ||
| Dreams take over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But wherever I go, there you are. | |
| My luck. | ||
| My fate. | ||
| My fortune. | ||
| There's not enough pussy in the world to get me to talk like that, ever. | ||
| I just want you to know. | ||
| There's not enough money. | ||
| You couldn't stack it high enough. | ||
| I'd be like, stop it. | ||
| I can't say that. | ||
| That's why it doesn't make anything. | ||
| This is the chick from Avatar. | ||
| They got her in a basement. | ||
| They just brought her over. | ||
| They're going to suck his dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The big blue bitch with the crazy ass. | |
| Oh, you think I'm kidding? | ||
| She's going to suck his fucking yank tonight? | ||
| What are you, fucking nuts? | ||
| Wherever I go, you're good. | ||
| The world turns and we turn with it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Why did you write that down? | ||
| Why did you even write that down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me? | |
| No, the guy who wrote it. | ||
| The world turns and you turn with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| Come on, stop it. | ||
| You breathe in, you breathe out. | ||
| You step left, you step right. | ||
| You open the door, then you shut it. | ||
| You get in your car, you drive, then you hit the brakes. | ||
| Like, who fucking wrote this? | ||
| That is like some of the most preposterous, silly horse shit I've ever heard. | ||
| And it's not coming out of a struggling actor, okay? | ||
| If you're a struggling actor and, you know, and someone comes up to you and they give you a break and it's to do this crazy corny Chanel No. | ||
| 5 commercial, that wasn't a struggling actor. | ||
| That's a motherfucking multimillionaire. | ||
| We need to find out where that money went. | ||
| It might go to pregnant babies. | ||
| If it goes to pregnant, starving babies with AIDS... We'll let him slide. | ||
| He just paid a fucking village off, though. | ||
| Did he buy a village? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I just asked you, what do you think you got for that? | ||
| 10 mil? | ||
| You'd have to give him something like that, right? | ||
| He's goddamn Brad Pitt. | ||
| If I was Brad Pitt's agent, I mean, he's Brad motherfucking Pitt. | ||
| Now, supposedly he has big commercials overseas, like... | ||
| Oh yeah, they do them in Japan and shit. | ||
| A lot of American celebrities feel like you're not supposed to do a commercial. | ||
| Because if you do a commercial, if you're a movie star... | ||
| What are you watching? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Brad's hit a Japanese commercial. | ||
| Oh my god, he's pushing a car. | ||
| He's dressed up like a goofball. | ||
| Yeah, he's dressed up weird. | ||
| Like Jim Carrey style, almost. | ||
| Yeah, and he's moving like Charlie Chaplin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what kind of character is this? | |
| See, that's fine. | ||
| That's just him moving around and taking a picture. | ||
| I don't have any problem with that. | ||
| I got a problem when you're staring at the camera, talking about the world turns, and you turn with it. | ||
| I touch my tongue to yours, and we bound together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not Joey Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That looks like Joey Diaz fucked big pussy in Japan. | |
| See, these are great because he's not talking English. | ||
| He doesn't say anything. | ||
| He's just playing a character. | ||
| These might as well be... | ||
| I mean, he might as well be in a movie. | ||
| Look, he... | ||
| I mean, he's very clever about the way he did this. | ||
| Like, the first one, he's clearly acting. | ||
| He's got a weird, crazy, cookie, yellow outfit on. | ||
| And in this one, he's playing a role. | ||
| And he's pretending to pick this giant fucking sumo guy up. | ||
| That shit is impossible, I want you to know. | ||
| Because Joey Diaz is not as big as that guy, but I'm probably stronger than Brad Pitt, and I tried to pick Joey up once when he was seated, and it was no dice. | ||
| I went double underhooks on Joey's back, and I got a gable grip. | ||
| It wasn't happening, man. | ||
| Even the big guy from Pride couldn't pick me up over his head. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Bob Sapp? | ||
| Bob Sapp. | ||
| It was one of the most uncomfortable things for everybody. | ||
| How high did he get you up there? | ||
| He was having a hard time. | ||
| I was really, like, top-heavy or something. | ||
| Did you see this commercial, Joe? | ||
| Bob was never... | ||
| For years, people would push computers on me or whatnot, cell phones, all that stuff. | ||
| My friend said, listen, go to GoDaddy.com. | ||
| I went over to GoDaddy.com. | ||
| I didn't know about computers. | ||
| I didn't know about social networks. | ||
| I knew nothing. | ||
| I went to GoDaddy. | ||
| They had a web builder. | ||
| One, two, three, boom. | ||
| Step by step, they're with you right away. | ||
| Once you do it, poof, within minutes, your webpage is up. | ||
| I didn't have that online presence. | ||
| People would have had a call here like it was still 1969. But ever since I got GoDaddy, I got PayPal, I take Visa online, they got the open table, not to mention my Yelp reviews are great. | ||
| Frank's Pizza is number one. | ||
| Go to Frank's. | ||
| The service is exceptional. | ||
| Frank's delivery system is always on time and the pizza is always warm. | ||
| If you want to build your empire like me, start with GoDaddy.com. | ||
| GoDaddy, what's happening? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I'm just calling you to see what's cracking. | ||
| Have a good day. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| How much of that did you write? | ||
| 80% of it? | ||
| Come on, Doug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you had no idea what you were talking about. | ||
| No, I had no idea. | ||
| Did they just give you like a rough thing? | ||
| When I got there that morning, they said, do you know the points for this thing? | ||
| And I go, no, I didn't get the thing. | ||
| And they go, these are the points you got to say. | ||
| And it was in between like shooting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Like it was in between shooting. | ||
| Like in between, like they came over and go, ready? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Let's pick it up from the other thing. | ||
| I had to go back and... | ||
| Pick up PayPal, pick up that, the tanning booth. | ||
| Like, that was just fucking quick, man. | ||
| That was fucking crazy that morning. | ||
| That was quick. | ||
| Yeah, that seems like a great utilization of you. | ||
| Just give him the points and let him rant a little bit. | ||
| Why fuck him? | ||
| I didn't curse. | ||
| He ain't Brad Pitt. | ||
| He doesn't have to say, breathe in and breathe out. | ||
| The world turns and you turn with it. | ||
| That's the first time I ever saw Brad Pitt in a commercial or am I hallucinating? | ||
| No, I think he's sold down the river. | ||
| How many kids he got? | ||
| He's got a lot of kids. | ||
| He's got a lot of houses. | ||
| And he's done a lot of shit movies lately, and Angelina's been pulling all the weight. | ||
| When was the last time Brad was in a big hit? | ||
| Moneyball. | ||
| Was that a big hit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| The baseball movie? | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, so I'm wrong. | ||
| So how much money do you think he made from that? | ||
| Enough for 80 kids in Taipan? | ||
| You've got to give him 20 just to talk to him. | ||
| 20? | ||
| Is this what they get for a movie? | ||
| Gotta give him 20 just to talk to him. | ||
| Maybe that's not enough. | ||
| The way they're ballin' Gucci clothes for little babies and shit. | ||
| Listen, 20 million a movie does three a year. | ||
| That's 60. She does the same. | ||
| That's a buck 20. Ten of these. | ||
| That's some fucking cash, dog. | ||
| They ain't fucking around. | ||
| I wonder how much they're giving him for the movies. | ||
| 20? | ||
| For commercials. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| For a whole campaign, he's going to shoot five or six of them. | ||
| Clothes, cologne. | ||
| If he got together with his silly black and white commercial and they overlapped it with Stephen Dorff's silly black and white commercial. | ||
| CGI'd them together. | ||
| If they just spliced it back and forth, you went from one douchey statement to the other. | ||
| I think that would be... | ||
| Listen, Mischief Maker, we know you're out there. | ||
| We're calling you. | ||
| We're setting the freak flag up over the Rogan compound. | ||
| We need you to put together the possibly douchiest commercials of all time together. | ||
| The song Kiss Me in the background. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Listen, man, we don't want to fuck with your artistic integrity by giving you a suggestion that you haven't... | ||
| But Brandon, you know what to do. | ||
| You know to do the right thing. | ||
| Go make that video. | ||
| This fucking guy was very good at money board jobs. | ||
| I bet he's a great actor. | ||
| He was great in an interview with a vampire. | ||
| I loved him in that. | ||
| I loved him in a lot of movies. | ||
| He was great in Fight Club. | ||
| I'm just bullshitting, but I just wish he didn't do that fucking commercial. | ||
| I mean, that just seems like so whorish. | ||
| You know, I should talk. | ||
| I did Fear Factor for six years, then I went back and did it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But even I wouldn't do that Chanel commercial. | |
| Sure you would. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| I'm Joe Rogan from the UFC. You should smell really stinky. | ||
| This is the new UFC Chanel edition. | ||
| First of all, I could never do it because it's been widely... | ||
| I've said it a hundred times in the podcast that I hate all that stuff. | ||
| I don't like any form of cologne. | ||
| I wear deodorant because if I don't, I smell really bad. | ||
| I smell like meat. | ||
| Sicilian. | ||
| Like old meat. | ||
| You smell Sicilian. | ||
| My underarms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm not willing to shave my underarms. | |
| Arugula. | ||
| Plus, you know what, folks? | ||
| I get through life. | ||
| I exude a lot of energy. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I don't half-ass things. | ||
| So I'm putting forth effort all day. | ||
| And when you're putting forth effort all day, you're out grinding and sweating and shit is going down inside your body. | ||
| And when it comes out of your armpits, it smells horrible. | ||
| So I wear a little deodorant. | ||
| So if you smell me and you're like, what a hypocrite. | ||
| He's wearing some fucking cologne. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| That's just Old Spice. | ||
| That's what I prefer. | ||
| Old Spice Sport. | ||
| Not antiperspirant because I'm not trying to stop sweating. | ||
| I like sweating. | ||
| I'm not going to bullshit you. | ||
| I do have a little baby CK1 at the house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever the fuck it is. | |
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Just in case I got reefer on me and I got a suit on or something. | ||
| And I don't want, you know, I'll put a little dab on my neck. | ||
| What is this one? | ||
| What is this commercial? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is going on here? | |
| What is this for? | ||
| What's this for? | ||
| What do I do for you? | ||
| Zeus, help! | ||
| Boy, am I glad to see you. | ||
| Sit tight, buddy. | ||
| Big Brother's about to show you how to save Christmas. | ||
| Oh, this is the thing that you did with Dean Cain? | ||
| This is the latest one. | ||
| This is the one for this year called The Dog Who Saved the Holidays. | ||
| Gary Valentine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Michael Gross. | |
| I'm shaking in my craw. | ||
| Shelly Long. | ||
| I got a date with a fuse box. | ||
| Peyton List is Eve. | ||
| Lighten up a bit. | ||
| And Joey Lawrence. | ||
| Hey, that's me. | ||
| As Zeus. | ||
| I think I'm going to need a little backup on this one. | ||
| Did you get top billing on this shit? | ||
| Unless you get the top billing on this. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| You can't even get top billing or Shelly Long? | ||
| You fucking believe this shit in this day and age? | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| This fucking day and age is what I need. | ||
| With some respect, did you get billing at all? | ||
| Did they even mention your name? | ||
| Oh, that's my fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I get like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They treat me like a fucking Puerto Rican in the sport. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| Did you like working with Dean Cain? | ||
| Yeah, I did like five fucking movies. | ||
| Five of those things. | ||
| Did you hang out with Michael Gross and molest Joey Lawrence? | ||
| No, I didn't bother nobody. | ||
| Michael Gross is one of those guys that's been in a bunch of movies and he's a really good actor. | ||
| And then you see him in that and you go, oh, that's what that guy's name is. | ||
| I've seen that guy in a bunch of things. | ||
| That guy's good. | ||
| You know what I watched today, man? | ||
| I started recording it here on the studio. | ||
| Some Walker, Texas Ranger. | ||
| Oh my goodness, it's fucking good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good shit. | |
| It's so funny. | ||
| I want to play a little bit of it for you, because it's so ridiculous. | ||
| I recorded it on the DVR. I forgot how good that show is. | ||
| That show is like, might as well be a comic book that was written in 1950. You know what I mean? | ||
| Where he'd walk up on people. | ||
| Everything! | ||
| Oh, his sidekick was horrendously bad. | ||
| He gets in a fight in this bad guy's office, and the two bad guys' henchmen tried to close in on him, and he's in a little crows environment, but he's throwing mad karate kicks and shit. | ||
| Chuck Norris don't play games. | ||
| He's throwing wheel kicks and shit. | ||
| I mean, right off the bat, he just throws wheel kicks with cowboy boots on and shit. | ||
| Anyway, knocks this guy out, and then goes up to him, grabs him, and starts questioning him, and the acting that came out of this meathead that was lying down on the ground It might be the worst acting ever recorded on film and put on television. | ||
| I mean, it's beautiful. | ||
| It's a great show. | ||
| Those shows, like, you watch those shows and you wonder what they were really doing. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Joey, what's that show, what's your character's name in that Nickelodeon show? | ||
| Joey Lasagna? | ||
| What are you pulling up? | ||
| Meatballs. | ||
| Joey Meatballs. | ||
| Not Joey Meatballs, Meatball King. | ||
| Meatball King. | ||
| It's so funny seeing Joey now out in public and people come up like, can you sign this for my daughter? | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| And then you realize that he's known for this character called Joey Meatballs. | ||
| And what show is this on? | ||
| Kicking It. | ||
| Yeah, Kicking It. | ||
| What is Kicking It? | ||
| It's a show on Disney XD. Now, what if these people ever see you on stage or listen to one of these fucking podcasts? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| The funny thing is that these Kicking It's... | ||
| The funny thing is that all these shows, to advertise them, they're put on there by the networks. | ||
| Nickelodeon knows that if they're going to put out a trailer on a commercial, it's a lot cheaper to put the trailer on on YouTube. | ||
| The kids will know that they're coming up and they'll hit it. | ||
| There's thousands of hits on these trailers for kicking it, right? | ||
| You go to the trailer that I'm on and you've got to see what it says. | ||
| If you ain't high by 2 o'clock, go fuck your mother. | ||
| Lucy Snorbush, I wanna eat your pussy on Quaaludes. | ||
| You gotta see, like, the one for, like, uh... | ||
| Pull up the comments, Brian. | ||
| What is this one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Glad to see you came to your senses. | |
| Got my money? | ||
| What is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got my ghost. | |
| This is kicking it. | ||
| Jerry, shouldn't you be making a delivery? | ||
| I'm done with delivery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I took a job with you, I didn't know what kind of person you were. | |
| But I do now. | ||
| What are you doing here with... | ||
| Goat Boy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goat Boy's a friend of mine. | |
| In fact, he's got lots of friends. | ||
| Some you might even know. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Stop before I get retarded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that might turn me down. | |
| That's worse than Walker, Texas Ranger. | ||
| Listen, we're going to have to compare. | ||
| We're going to have to compare that to Walker, Texas Ranger, because I'm telling you, they're pretty damn clear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You cocksucker. | |
| I owe you one cocksucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was so funny. | |
| That was not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine if he was really, like, fighting with these kids? | |
| No, you know what the worst thing is? | ||
| When you first come to Hollywood and you meet somebody like that, that's somebody that's been in one of these really horrible shows and they make you watch it. | ||
| All the time they're real, you try to go to their house. | ||
| Have you ever had that happen? | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| Oh, it's the worst, man. | ||
| It's embarrassing. | ||
| When people email you shit still. | ||
| I still get shit. | ||
| On Facebook and Twitter, watch my reel and tell me what you think. | ||
| Why would you ask a guy like me? | ||
| At 5 in the morning, he was fucking stoned. | ||
| You going back to Columbus for the holidays? | ||
| No, but I'm going back in March with Joe Rogan and... | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Look at this shit, Joey. | ||
| Turn around and look at this. | ||
| Turn around. | ||
| We can't show this on TV because we know the rights for it. | ||
| That's Adam Ferreira. | ||
| It's Chuck Norris. | ||
| I mean, it's hilarious. | ||
| Watch this one dude, though. | ||
| This is my favorite. | ||
| After he smashes this guy, now the big guy grabs him. | ||
| Now watch this move. | ||
| Kick off the wall. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Throw him down. | ||
| Now check this Anderson Silva-like elbow. | ||
| Now watch this acting. | ||
| This is the worst acting ever. | ||
| I'm going to ask you again. | ||
| Do you know this girl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I told you what I told the other guys. | ||
| What guys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't give their names. | |
| If you told them something, you're not telling me. | ||
| I'll be back. | ||
| Chuck is excellent. | ||
| How bad is the goon? | ||
| And he's just out. | ||
| He's just out again. | ||
| And then there's some kids that he has to hug. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| Saves the world and hugs some kids. | ||
| Fucking show's great. | ||
| Especially when you're as high as the national deficit. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| The other day I was cleaning out my fucking room and I found a package for 18 wheels of justice. | ||
| That was another show, right? | ||
| The first show I ever shot. | ||
| That was Lorenzo Lamas, right? | ||
| Yeah, so one of those fucking actors down in whatever. | ||
| I forgot all about it. | ||
| 18 Wheels of Justice was the first booking. | ||
| I remember before I went in, they told me the lady's a fucking old lady. | ||
| She'll torture you. | ||
| I went in there and booked a bookie roll where I had to smack a playmate in the ass as she walks out of the room. | ||
| 18 Wheels of Justice. | ||
| It was in 2000. Yeah. | ||
| I shot one of those episodes in San Diego. | ||
| I remember they gave me 60 bucks. | ||
| For per diem, oh my god. | ||
| I didn't eat nothing. | ||
| I saved it to do a grammar blow. | ||
| It wasn't Lorenzo Ross. | ||
| No, it was some other handsome white dude. | ||
| Lucky Venuse? | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| See what else he shot since then. | ||
| Who's Lucky Venuse? | ||
| He's fucking working in the Tampa Revival Group right now. | ||
| Reviving fucking Godspell or whatever. | ||
| This guy was the head guy in the show, and they don't even have a photo of him on IMDb. | ||
| Is this it? | ||
| That's G. Gordon Liddy, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, they blew up a house. | |
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Oh God, that looked like the worst show of all time. | ||
| That's 18 Wheels of Justice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you know what network that was, guys? | |
| What? | ||
| Spike, which was T-N-N at the time. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| It was the Nashville Network. | ||
| Guys, that was when they tried to do original programming. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That was her. | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good idea. | |
| If you have a show called the Nashville Network and you're like, listen, this is what we got. | ||
| We got a lot of truckers. | ||
| A lot of truckers watch. | ||
| How about a trucker superhero? | ||
| How about a trucker superhero that is just an ordinary guy, just backed into extraordinary circumstances, and he's forced to, you know, man up and pull himself up by his bootstraps and become a reluctant hero. | ||
| I mean, I think it's basically BJ the bear but no chimp. | ||
| One of the best shows of all time, BJ and the Bear. | ||
| Remember back when BJ and the Bear was on and we thought chimps were like these little cute things that you could hug before they started eating people's faces and biting their dicks off and shit? | ||
| You never heard about that when we were kids. | ||
| You never heard about a chimp biting people's faces off. | ||
| Maybe they're on Adderall, too. | ||
| That's the fucking problem. | ||
| Well, wasn't that one lady that lived in Connecticut that had the pet chimp, she was feeding that fucking chimp Xanax. | ||
| She was feeding it Xanax, and it was drinking wine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The bitch was taking Xanax. | ||
| So she would, hey, the chimp wants Xanax, too. | ||
| Give him a fucking Xanax. | ||
| Give him a Xanax, or he's going to eat your face. | ||
| Give him a fucking Xanax. | ||
| That probably is why he ate that chick's face. | ||
| He was probably coming down from Xanax's. | ||
| He's all Xanaxed up. | ||
| He's all Xanaxed out, red man. | ||
| Poor chimp. | ||
| Did you eat an edible today, Joey? | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| No, what? | ||
| He kicked in about ten minutes ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Joey hit the wall. | ||
| We were called the Eddie Bravo post one hour wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| I didn't hit no fucking wall. | ||
| Eddie Bravo goes guns blazing for the first hour of podcast. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And then in like an hour and he goes, so what? | ||
| Anything? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm waiting on you fucking guys. | ||
| I'm a counter-striker. | ||
| Eddie Bravo, ladies and gentlemen, for Eddie Bravo fans, which of course we all are Eddie Bravo fans. | ||
| Eddie's the shit. | ||
| He's got his own podcast that he just started doing called Eddie Bravo Radio. | ||
| And if you are down with chemtrails, that is the podcast for you. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| If you want to hear more about Philip Corso and UFOs and jiu-jitsu and MMA and crop circles and chemtrails and music. | ||
| And music. | ||
| Kiss. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Kiss. | ||
| Knowledge. | ||
| Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Smoke Serpent. | ||
| And he does it with Alder and Zach and Rob. | ||
| All these guys that we train jiu-jitsu with. | ||
| I don't know if he's going to do it with them every episode or if he's just doing it like that for now, but Eddie Bravo Radio, if you're down. | ||
| And if you're not, don't get cunty. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Shut the fuck down. | ||
| That's my brother. | ||
| Do you remember this website, Joey? | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Joey Diaz here. | |
| Wayback Machine. | ||
| Where'd you find that? | ||
| Look, you got an Ice House banner. | ||
| Latino Comedy. | ||
| There was a chick on there that sent me a message on there. | ||
| I want to see if it's still on there. | ||
| Don't show it online. | ||
| Oh, you remembered me, Joey! | ||
| Is that online still, this thing? | ||
| Yeah, it's in the internet archives. | ||
| Here's a picture of Pablo from back in the day that you probably forgot about. | ||
| That's what I was just saying, that I was listening to Pablo on the way over here. | ||
| It was on Jamie Foxx's thing, The Foxhole, the same one where he's interviewing Quentin Tarantino. | ||
| And I was listening to Pablo. | ||
| Pablo is so fucking entertaining. | ||
| That dude did nothing but Jackie Chan, like, like, Jackie Chan, like, trailer, like, jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, like, he's the nicest guy in the world. | |
| You know, like, I'm so nice, why do you have to fight me? | ||
| Like, and it was, he just did nothing but that for ten minutes, and I'm just laughing like, like, a fool in my car, giggling on the way up here. | ||
| What are you doing, Brian? | ||
| You're distracting the shit out of him with all this. | ||
| I don't fucking know what. | ||
| You're staring at magic tricks. | ||
| Nah, nah. | ||
| Yeah, you're definitely on an edible. | ||
| I got stolen as fuck from the... | ||
| Bro, I haven't been smoking weed from the solid sense. | ||
| From the solid sense? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does that mean? | |
| I've been smoking the vapors. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That vaporizer is very good, but it's not as good as smoking weed. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| It gets you going in the morning, but... | ||
| I think it's the right amount before you go on stage. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's the right amount. | ||
| You have to switch up the capsules because you're used to it, so you've got to have a sativa. | ||
| And I've got to do that when I smoke weed anyway. | ||
| I do the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, you always mix it up. | ||
| Smoke the same weed the whole fucking day. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| We're different like that, though. | ||
| I don't mind smoking the same weed all the time. | ||
| I can smoke the same weed for like six months. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I never understood how somebody bought a pound of weed. | ||
| Every time you went on, you got the same fucking weed. | ||
| You're killing me, that guy. | ||
| Switch this bitch up. | ||
| I think you and I do very different things with the weed. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Even if you smoke it, like some mornings you want to smoke a, excuse me, a sativa. | ||
| Some mornings, you know, you want the sativas. | ||
| I love sativas. | ||
| But how high are you getting? | ||
| Are you getting like stupid high? | ||
| In the mornings? | ||
| No, no, no, not like I used to, no. | ||
| So when you were switching to money. | ||
| Listen, bro, when I was waking up and smoking Matzo G at 4.45 in the a.m., By 5.30, you're drooling. | ||
| That Indica, uh, uh, uh, Sativa fucking grind together. | ||
| I had to get out, jump in a pool. | ||
| You gotta do something. | ||
| You gotta do something. | ||
| You gotta get on a bicycle. | ||
| It's like that shit that Lance Armstrong, AAMB, what were they shooting in their legs? | ||
| They gotta get up at 3 in the fucking morning and pedal their fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah, EPO. Same thing. | ||
| I was getting that type of reaction from the weed, which I love. | ||
| I love getting high and having the sudden nerves to go hit the bag for 30 minutes or throw kicks. | ||
| I like that, where 15 minutes in, you're like, oh my god, I'm 15 minutes in. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Yeah, it feels good to move your body around. | ||
| Well, the thing that comes with weed, especially if you get that full body high, a lot of deep indicas, you get that real sensitivity to all of your body, all the different aspects of your body, all the different muscle fibers and shit you feel moving around and shit, stretching. | ||
| I've done everything pretty much. | ||
| I've tried pretty much. | ||
| I want to live in Colorado. | ||
| You know, climbing a wall and everything. | ||
| The easiest two things I've done high, which I really enjoy, number one on the list is yoga. | ||
| Yoga's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing, really high to the gills. | ||
| On an edible, it's better because you get more energy in your lungs to hold the poses and shit like that, especially if you eat like a cookie. | ||
| But who's going to go to 6 a.m. | ||
| yoga? | ||
| You've got to go up at 3.30 to eat a fucking edible. | ||
| You're a savage. | ||
| You know what they say the best thing with yoga is? | ||
| The real aficionados? | ||
| Eating hashish. | ||
| Hashish, yeah. | ||
| A little hash cookie or something. | ||
| Yeah, eat hashish, and then an hour and 20 minutes later, you do the yoga. | ||
| When they've When Bruce Lee died, what was in his system? | ||
| THC or Hashish? | ||
| Neither one. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure he had some stuff in his system, but he died from a cerebral... | ||
| No, no, I understand. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I have nothing with the cause. | ||
| He died from the fucking Yakuza and the fucking Chinese. | ||
| Yeah, because they killed him. | ||
| He stopped making money, but... | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once he went over to Warner Brothers, how are they going to cleanse their money? | ||
| Is that like the conspiracy theory? | ||
| Is that the main theory? | ||
| Look, he made three movies over there. | ||
| He made four movies over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Then he came over, he went to do Enter the Dragon, then he went back to release the movie, and he died or something. | ||
| So you think they whacked him? | ||
| I don't know what happened, but I know those movies have made gazillions, like, they look at all these people, oh, they made this movie for this. | ||
| What do you think it costs to make Fist of Fury in the Philippines? | ||
| Fifty bucks. | ||
| Fifty bucks. | ||
| How many millions do you think they've made? | ||
| It's probably a lot. | ||
| Millions. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| Millions and millions. | ||
| What was the producer on those movies he did, Ren Ren Chow? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Raymond Chow was the producer on all those movies. | ||
| After 1973, I want you to look at how many movies... | ||
| Do you know where that picture was from? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know where I do? | ||
| Do you know where it's from, Joey? | ||
| Where? | ||
| Oh, that's from Florida. | ||
| Austin, motherfucking Texas. | ||
| That one place that we always stay at. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Straight from that other place. | ||
| If you look and see after Bruce Lee died... | ||
| In 73, how many movies Raymond Chow produced in the U.S.? Take a look. | ||
| How many? | ||
| Take a fucking look. | ||
| Don't ask me. | ||
| Well, there was a big market for those Bruce Lai movies. | ||
| No, this was not Bruce Lai. | ||
| He directed Death Hunt with Charles Bronson. | ||
| How the fuck is Raymond Chow a director on a Charles Bronson movie, a producer? | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| You tell me. | ||
| Is that a conspiracy? | ||
| I don't know what's going on here. | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| Raymond Chow had his own fucking company. | ||
| Which is called whatever movies. | ||
| The movies that fucking did. | ||
| Joey Diaz is the... | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| I'm not nothing. | ||
| I'm a nobody. | ||
| I'm just telling you speculation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the Alex Jones of the Chinese come-through movies. | |
| See, what you motherfuckers forget... | ||
| What you motherfuckers forget that you guys were here for the cell phone. | ||
| You guys were here for this. | ||
| I was here for... | ||
| United States government killed Bruce Lee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was here for... | |
| No, it wasn't no fucking government. | ||
| I was here for the Bruce Lee invasion. | ||
| A lot of people were here for the Beatles invasion, not me. | ||
| I was here for the Bruce... | ||
| I was here when everybody was walking around with Chinese shoes. | ||
| Raymond Chow with known CFI titles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Raymond Chow... | ||
| He's executive producer of like every single movie in the world. | ||
| Okay, after 73 or before 73? | ||
| United States only. | ||
| Let's look at all those movies and how many of those movies do you think he got to fuck white girls in? | ||
| How many where they brought white chicks to him and he just had mad white chick orgies? | ||
| Now, before 73, he was Enter the Dragon. | ||
| What else? | ||
| Look at all those goddamn movies. | ||
| That's the craziest shit I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| That guy directed 100 fucking movies. | ||
| What are the actual numbers, Brian? | ||
| How many movies did he actually direct? | ||
| Does it say? | ||
| 160 he produced. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| But you could, like, be produced in a couple different movies at a time. | ||
| You can't really... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you really... | |
| Oh, slow down again! | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He produced... | ||
| Keep going slowly, slowly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Slowly, you fuck... | |
| All right, but keep going up. | ||
| Keep going up. | ||
| Up, up, up. | ||
| The other way. | ||
| Up, up, up. | ||
| Slow down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Slow down. | |
| The big brawl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Game of Death 2. Oh, that was the worst one ever. | |
| Cannonball Run! | ||
| Look at these movies this motherfucker did. | ||
| He did Cannonball Run. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Breakthrough. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| What's Breakthrough? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cannonball Run 2. He did the Cannonball Run 1 and 2. Oh, wow. | |
| That motherfucker. | ||
| Police Story 2? | ||
| He did everything. | ||
| Above the Law. | ||
| A lot of Chinese movies, huh? | ||
| Yeah, that's where the... | ||
| Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 and Once Upon a Time in China. | ||
| He just muscled himself into those movies. | ||
| They just bring them to him. | ||
| Would you mind being in this? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Sunwaku, everything. | ||
| Is he single? | ||
| Brian, you gotta stop with that dumb fake gay voice. | ||
| That's ruining your internet rep. | ||
| It's not a gay voice. | ||
| You're doing so well and then you do that and everybody goes, God damn it. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| You know what it is. | ||
| It's a vegan voice. | ||
| Oh, how dare you. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit, Joey Diaz. | |
| So what's next, Joey? | ||
| You know me, baby. | ||
| You know what's fucking next? | ||
| Friday night. | ||
| Friday night. | ||
| The 21st, 8 o'clock. | ||
| We'll turn motherfucking theater. | ||
| I'm eating the first edible like at 1 o'clock in the afternoon. | ||
| I'm timing it all perfectly. | ||
| I'm doing MGMH at 4. What's MGMH? I don't know. | ||
| Mixed with fucking mushrooms, bath salts, bazookas. | ||
| I'm doing everything. | ||
| We want to extend a formal invitation to John McAfee. | ||
| If you are free in the United States, we have two tickets for you for the Wilton Theater. | ||
| You'll sit right next to Brian Redman and his date for the evening. | ||
| What are you bringing, Brian? | ||
| No bath salts at the Wilton Theater. | ||
| Please, folks, it's the end of the world. | ||
| We can go bath salt-free for one night. | ||
| Shall we keep it together? | ||
| Joe Diaz, Doug Stanhope, Honey Honey, and me. | ||
| And Doug Stanhope will be on the podcast on Saturday, the day after the end of the world. | ||
| If there is a world to return to, we will do the Doug Stanhope podcast Saturday afternoon. | ||
| You dirty fucks. | ||
| Alright, folks? | ||
| Oh, my special's out. | ||
| It's out right now. | ||
| So if you're inclined, if you go to JoeRogan.net, it's called Live from the Tabernacle. | ||
| I think it's my best one yet. | ||
| Is it going to be on iTunes also so I can just download it through iTunes? | ||
| Maybe eventually. | ||
| But right now it's just through my website for probably the longest time. | ||
| Maybe like a year or two. | ||
| Maybe for the rest of my life. | ||
| But it's an unprotected file so you can just move it on to like a computer and stream it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| DRM Free? | ||
| Yeah, DRM Free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it's called? | |
| Yeah, no. | ||
| It's the same way Louis C.K. did it. | ||
| I completely stole everything he did. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And if you have an Apple TV, all you do is you open it up in iTunes, and on the top right-hand button, you can send it to your Apple TV. Yeah, you can stream it. | ||
| There's a lot of ways you can stream it, though. | ||
| Yeah, there's all sorts of ways you can watch it on your television. | ||
| I'm not the most technologically inclined, but we tried to make it as easy as possible. | ||
| And the feedback has been amazing, so thank you very much. | ||
| I'm real excited that so many people decided to download it. | ||
| Congratulations, Doug. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| I'm very happy. | ||
| I think what Louis did was really important for us, for stand-up comedians. | ||
| His idea was perfect. | ||
| It was brilliant. | ||
| The amount of money was the right amount of money. | ||
| Five bucks. | ||
| He could have made it ten. | ||
| Probably the same amount of people would buy it. | ||
| But five is really honest. | ||
| You're getting a recording of the live performance. | ||
| You're not getting the live performance itself. | ||
| You're getting the recording. | ||
| It's worth five bucks. | ||
| You know the best thing that you're doing also is the ability to send it as a gift. | ||
| So like I've already sent it to a few people. | ||
| You just put their email address and then you pretty much buy it and then just send it to them. | ||
| They get download instructions so like you can send it to your friends or families. | ||
| Yeah, we wanted to have it set up like that. | ||
| We wanted to have it so that you could send it to people if you dug it. | ||
| People love sending people. | ||
| A lot of people send me music. | ||
| That's how we found out about Honey Honey. | ||
| I constantly hear about new bands. | ||
| That's how I found out about... | ||
| uh... | ||
| roadkill ghost choir somebody sent it to me i i love that and uh... | ||
| people love doing that with comics too and so if you want to send mine you can do that there's uh... | ||
| there's uh... | ||
| you can you can gift it and um... | ||
| joe when he when's the next thing that uh... | ||
| people can see you when what's the next uh... | ||
| january seventeenth at the irvine improv after the birth of my fucking daughter in the next couple weeks so i'm just at home chilling writing Kickboxing, lifting weights. | ||
| I'm trying to do everything. | ||
| What day is January 17th? | ||
| It's a Thursday night. | ||
| Thursday night. | ||
| So that's the next time. | ||
| And when are you going to release something live? | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| Let's do that. | ||
| Can I produce that? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| How about we'll do that? | ||
| How about the next thing that I do through Talking Monkey Incorporated? | ||
| We'll just produce your shit and release it the same way. | ||
| Done. | ||
| On your webpage? | ||
| Yeah, or yours or whatever. | ||
| We'll make it set yours up the same way. | ||
| No, no, I'd love to email it to you. | ||
| Same fucking thing. | ||
| Okay, let's do it. | ||
| Join EatBalls.com. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Yeah, we'll put together a time where we can record you at some club. | ||
| And I think for you, what would really be badass, one of the cool ways to do it with you, is to take you from the fucking green room, like one camera, from the green room all the way out to the stage, follow you through the whole thing. | ||
| Just one crazy wild fucking take. | ||
| And then you sneak out the back door. | ||
| Do four shows. | ||
| Do four shows. | ||
| Pick the one you like the best. | ||
| Release the hounds. | ||
| I get these emails from people all the time. | ||
| When is Joey Cocodia going to have some kind of comedy special? | ||
| As long as you're on, let's do it. | ||
| I always want to do when we're talking monkey, dead squad, motherfucking records in full effect. | ||
| Hey, and we're going to be at the improv Thursday. | ||
| Thursday night. | ||
| We're going to be there Thursday night. | ||
| I'm going to be at the improv tonight with Ari at the Storyteller Show with Greg Fitzsimmons and a couple people. | ||
| Come on by and see Greg Thursday night. | ||
| Five bucks. | ||
| Five bucks. | ||
| Goes to charity. | ||
| And it's really fun. | ||
| That's a really fun time. | ||
| And Thursday night we're there where you were 8 o'clock, correct? | ||
| Yeah, 8 o'clock Thursday Improv.com. | ||
| It's the Hollywood Improv. | ||
| On the 17th of January in Irvine. | ||
| By that time you'll have your first check. | ||
| Everything will be real for you. | ||
| Hopefully, or the aliens will have landed and money will be worthless. | ||
| Fuck Apocalyptos. | ||
| Fuck Mel Gibson. | ||
| Fuck millions. | ||
| Brian and I are already wearing our NASA outfits. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because we are volunteering for Volunteer NASA. Because there will be a volunteer NASA in the future, just like volunteer fire department. | ||
| I'm just doing it because I want to trick Kara Santa Maria to think about it. | ||
| You're smart. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| I like what you're doing. | ||
| I think it'll work. | ||
| You know what I think? | ||
| Yeah, I think as long as you make the effort to try to trick her, she'll just play along. | ||
| And then you're golden. | ||
| And then it's like your whole life is like a fantasy role-playing game. | ||
| That's kind of cool. | ||
| You pretend you're the super scientist in NASA. And even though you're just leaving our house, you're telling me you have to go to the moon. | ||
| Dude, that's a great idea. | ||
| I'll print out like fake NASA documents and I would carry them around all the time on a clipboard. | ||
| It reminds me of a Robin Harris bit. | ||
| Robin Harris is one of the lost comics that nobody ever talks about. | ||
| And D.L. Hughley sort of was influenced by him quite a lot, especially early in D.L.'s career. | ||
| You two? | ||
| Robin Harris is really, really funny. | ||
| But one of the things he had a great joke about, he said, Man, everybody ain't no pretty woman. | ||
| He goes, pity woman man, too much work. | ||
| He goes, ugly woman, you can tell her anything. | ||
| Bitch, I'm going to the moon. | ||
| You better be careful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want nothing to happen to you up there. | |
| And he was, like, so, like, casual in his delivery and, like, relaxed. | ||
| And he just made you smile just looking at him up there. | ||
| He was Sweet Dick Willie and do the right fucking thing. | ||
| And he was tremendous. | ||
| Who else would have a character named Sweet Dick Willie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ugly woman, you tell her anything. | ||
| Bitch, I'm going to the moon. | ||
| I'll never forget listening to that, man. | ||
| Yeah, I think there's a special called Bebe's Kids. | ||
| Bebe's Kids. | ||
| Yeah, I think you could... | ||
| I don't know if you could watch it, but you could definitely listen to it. | ||
| I used to listen to that shit on cassette, okay? | ||
| I had that thing on fucking cassette. | ||
| I used to listen to that in my Volkswagen Corrado. | ||
| I would drive around and listen to... | ||
| Joey Diaz, you're yawning. | ||
| I'm always yawning, brother. | ||
| What's the matter, man? | ||
| You not getting asleep? | ||
| Are you nervous? | ||
| No, I was up at fucking... | ||
| 4.30. | ||
| Are you up with the sun and gone with the wind? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went to bed early last night and got up early. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Just, uh, yeah. | ||
| You're always up, man. | ||
| I text you at 6 o'clock in the morning and you text me back. | ||
| Yeah, I was ready to rock at 6. I sent you a text. | ||
| You know about fucking 8 o'clock this morning, going to the kitchen, making a protein shake, and fucking going, wow, it's 8 o'clock and I've already done 30 fucking things. | ||
| That's Robin Harris right there. | ||
| Yeah, right there. | ||
| Like, I didn't leave the house, but I had already done 30 fucking things in the house. | ||
| Showered, breakfast, protein shake, emails, phone calls, the whole fucking deal. | ||
| Have you thought about moving to the suburbs where all people raise their babies? | ||
| Are you going to stay in the hood? | ||
| No, I'm alright. | ||
| I'm alright where I'm at. | ||
| You like where you're at? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to stay there for a few months. | ||
| You thought about moving to Nashville too, huh? | ||
| I thought about a lot of fucking things. | ||
| Talk to Honey Honey, you'll move there. | ||
| They love it there. | ||
| I know. | ||
| A lot of people love it there. | ||
| Except everyone's armed. | ||
| They say that's the problem. | ||
| Everybody knows somebody that's been shot. | ||
| Well, she shot him and then he shot her back. | ||
| Everybody's fucking on. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I don't run in no circles. | ||
| Have you ever seen the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia? | ||
| I heard about it. | ||
| I'm getting you that for Christmas. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm going to have to get you that for Christmas. | ||
| I don't run in no circles, so I'm not worried. | ||
| You know, weapons, when I did carry a weapon when I was 27, I thought I was a coke dealer and I carried the Miami Vice with the upside-down piece with the two clips with 16 and the fuck 14. How old were you? | ||
| I was probably 27 when I thought I was Don Johnson. | ||
| And you were just walking around with a gun for how long? | ||
| It's just at night. | ||
| At night I get paranoid looking out windows fucking. | ||
| And then at night, like if I had to go pick up $80 from you, I'd put the gun on. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You know, and just not that I wouldn't show it to you, but I'd have it on me just in case. | ||
| And it was just weird that things would happen around me when I had that gun. | ||
| And then one day I stopped wearing the gun and those things disappeared. | ||
| So I've heard people say that before. | ||
| Yeah, they're a magnet, brother. | ||
| You really think? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Do you think it's the mindset that you have while you're carrying it that makes you a magnet for problems? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| When I carried a gun was the only time somebody opened their jacket to me one time and let me know they had a gun or somebody they were with. | ||
| You know, one time it happened in El Paso, but that shit's gonna happen in El Paso when you're by and blow at 4 in the morning with somebody's wife, you know. | ||
| I would imagine that'd be a shame. | ||
| Yeah, so, just like knives, I've seen people get stabbed and got into fights when they have a knife on me. | ||
| What the fuck am I gonna carry a knife on me fucking for? | ||
| For what? | ||
| You know when you carry a knife? | ||
| You know who gets cut when you carry a knife? | ||
| You do. | ||
| You dumb motherfucker. | ||
| That's who gets caught when you stab somebody and shit you're not used to. | ||
| Even when you train with fucking knives, you'll cut your hands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If they don't have the guards at the end because the shit slips off. | ||
| That's the first thing. | ||
| If you don't know how to use a knife, you should not fuck with one. | ||
| You're only going to hurt your fucking hands. | ||
| You really are. | ||
| Yeah, how many people really know how to use a knife? | ||
| Not many. | ||
| They think they watch fucking Boys in the Hood and all of a sudden they fucking go out and buy a Switchblade. | ||
| You have no idea, my friend. | ||
| You have no idea when your knife hits a bone and it twists and it pops out. | ||
| I've seen people with knives get the shit knocked out of them for pulling out a fucking knife or something. | ||
| One time at Port Authority in New York, I seen something go down. | ||
| You know when you catch a tail end or something? | ||
| And that's what had happened. | ||
| This guy pulled out a knife, went to stab a dude with a leather jacket on. | ||
| You're in no danger, stupid. | ||
| You're in no danger. | ||
| Like, he hit him in the elbow, the guy caught it. | ||
| And this guy just knocked the fuck out of him. | ||
| Broke his fucking lip. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| So you're saying if you live in a dangerous area, get some chain mail. | ||
| Get yourself a nice coat of armor. | ||
| Get a nice leather jacket. | ||
| But who's going to wear that when it's 150 fucking degrees in Atlanta? | ||
| How are you going to do that in Atlanta, New York, Miami? | ||
| Listen, stay the fuck in. | ||
| Mind your goddamn business. | ||
| Even when you carried new chucks as a kid, you met other motherfuckers with new chucks. | ||
| I never carried nunchucks as a kid. | ||
| You passed that. | ||
| That was a great time. | ||
| I had a knife for a while. | ||
| I had one of those 007 knives. | ||
| When nunchucks hit, everybody you looked at, instead of having tattoos, they had bruises. | ||
| When everybody carried nunchucks, everybody had bruises at the back of their elbows. | ||
| People really carried nunchucks around? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| In the fucking mid-70s, when Bruce Lee came out like this. | ||
| I think he took the Chinese connection. | ||
| When he took those nunchucks, it was done. | ||
| Then there was another movie that came out called Corrado the Hong Kong Cat that is not documented, that I've been hunting for fucking years. | ||
| Because his new chucks had copper on their corners. | ||
| So this motherfucker took... | ||
| Bruce Lee took two brooms. | ||
| You took a hole. | ||
| You drilled it. | ||
| And you put eye hooks. | ||
| And you took two chains. | ||
| Those were new chucks. | ||
| Not Hong Kong Cat. | ||
| He took it to a different motherfucking level. | ||
| He took two new chucks like this. | ||
| Drilled them, but instead of putting just the thing in, he put metal caps with an eye, and then he put an eye hook into that. | ||
| Not to mention, the bottom, he'd go to the hardware store, to the plumbing supply, and put caps on the bottom. | ||
| Copper caps and crazy glue them on there. | ||
| So when you got hit in the head, when you got hit in the head with copper instead of fucking wood, that's what Hong Kong did. | ||
| He added a whole different dimension to the nunchuck world over there. | ||
| Nunchucks made me realize about the differences in woods. | ||
| That's how I found out about different kinds of woods. | ||
| From nunchucks. | ||
| Because you would go to buy them on those catalogs. | ||
| They would have like cocobolo. | ||
| You wanted cocobolo woodchucks. | ||
| A very dark, dense wood. | ||
| Very heavy. | ||
| You're like, oh, those would make some badass nunchucks. | ||
| That's how I found out about cocobolo and oak. | ||
| Like what the harder woods were. | ||
| It was like what they were making nunchucks out of. | ||
| Oak was the harder one. | ||
| Bocobolo. | ||
| Cocobolo's pretty hard. | ||
| Those are the hard ones. | ||
| Because oak were hard, but... | ||
| If you could get real ebony, that's really hard too. | ||
| That's really hard. | ||
| Really heavy. | ||
| The dark woods, mostly, are usually the harder woods. | ||
| Ebony is an extremely heavy, dense wood. | ||
| That's why they use it a lot. | ||
| A lot of people like it for pool cues. | ||
| They make them out of ebony because it's so dense and heavy. | ||
| It's just tough to get an ebony pool cue that's a lightweight one. | ||
| You know what's crazy, though? | ||
| I've seen growing up, I've seen a thousand white kids with new chucks. | ||
| Black people love new chucks. | ||
| There's some Bruce Lee man. | ||
| There you go, right there. | ||
| But way before this, the Chinese connection was where he took them to a... | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| By this time here, motherfuckers... | ||
| Once he took it from the bottom... | ||
| Put the sound so you can hear it. | ||
| Because the sound is crazy. | ||
| Doesn't have sound. | ||
| The video doesn't have sound. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| That was July of 73. This fucking country lost their minds. | ||
| Oh, they lost their minds. | ||
| They lost their black people at the movie theater. | ||
| Lost their fucking minds. | ||
| I was living in an apartment, and the superintendent was in an apartment. | ||
| Go the other way. | ||
| For Chinese Connection, New Chuck. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I was living in this apartment, and the superintendent, whatever it was, yeah, I guess it was the superintendent, the guy who takes care of the building, his family, he had a son that was like my age, and that's how I found out about Bruce Lee. | ||
| They're like, you don't know about Bruce Lee? | ||
| I was like, what's Bruce Lee? | ||
| And I went over to their house, they were showing me these Bruce Lee posters, like, whoa, he had like a poster, like Enter the Dragon, you know, with the fucking cuts on him with the blood. | ||
| I was like, what is this? | ||
| And then I think they took me to see a movie. | ||
| You know, you didn't have VCRs back then, so you had to actually go to the movies. | ||
| I'm pretty sure they took me to see the first Bruce Lee movie I ever saw, and I was like, whoa! | ||
| This is Chinese Connection. | ||
| This is like a really good together reel. | ||
| I remember being in the fourth grade at Sacred Heart School for Boys watching Happy Days on a Tuesday fucking night and all of a sudden right there seeing the trailer for The Chinese Connection and Joe Rogan losing my fucking mind. | ||
| That was a badass. | ||
| That was his best movie. | ||
| Yeah, there was no character like this. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| What's his name, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Samuel Hung. | ||
| Samuel Hung. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| I think that's Samuel Hung. | ||
| Yeah, that's Samuel Hung. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at Chuck Norris. | ||
| There's Chuck Norris and him duking it out. | ||
| Chuck Norris, a lot of people don't know. | ||
| You see him when he's like 60 years old in Walker, Texas Ranger, and you don't know the history. | ||
| Chuck Norris was like a real kickboxing champion. | ||
| Like one of the first. | ||
| A karate tournament champion? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right there. | |
| When I first saw that scene, that destroyed America. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| After that, America never recovered from that. | ||
| People were eating Chinese food. | ||
| Kids were going to Chinatown. | ||
| You know, it completely opened up a new door, bro. | ||
| Instead of going to the fucking roller skating on Saturdays, we were going to Chinatown. | ||
| To eat their food. | ||
| Remember when people started wearing Chinese slippers? | ||
| I wore them when my mother thought I was crazy. | ||
| I used to wear sandals and fucking incense in the house. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| That's just amazing. | ||
| The Chinese Connection is just a tremendous fucking movie if you've never seen it. | ||
| He's raw. | ||
| And you know who he's on the phone with the whole time, Joe Rogan? | ||
| And after this, we gotta go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| She can't top this. | ||
| When he shot The Chinese Connection the whole time, he was on the phone with Steve motherfucking McQueen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The whole time, he's like, what do I do? | ||
| I'm just a Chinese. | ||
| What the fuck do I do? | ||
| That's who gave me the idea to hang motherfuckers. | ||
| In the Chinese connection, he killed the motherfuckers and he hung them. | ||
| Didn't he take lessons, Steve McQueen? | ||
| Yeah, and James Coburn. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| Didn't you do a movie with James Coburn? | ||
| You did something with James Coburn? | ||
| What did you do with him? | ||
| Oh, I did a couple things with him. | ||
| I did Arliss, an episode of Arliss, and I did American Gun with him. | ||
| What's American Gun? | ||
| American Gun is a movie about a kid who, he's a father. | ||
| His daughter gets shot by a gun and he does the background of a gun. | ||
| When's the next UFC you're coming to, man? | ||
| Come to one of these. | ||
| Well, I can't go to December 29th, and then maybe one of the ones in January. | ||
| Can you go to February? | ||
| I miss them too, dawg. | ||
| Can you go to February 4th? | ||
| No. | ||
| You can't go to that one? | ||
| Aldo vs. | ||
| Frankie Edgar. | ||
| Please, don't fucking remind me. | ||
| And Alistair Overeem vs. | ||
| Bigfoot Silva. | ||
| Please, don't fucking remind me. | ||
| Don't break my heart. | ||
| Oh, shit, son. | ||
| Las Vegas. | ||
| Oh, Joey, go to that one, because that's also the one we have the gig on Friday night. | ||
| The gig on Friday night. | ||
| At Mandalay Bay. | ||
| I know that this guy booked me in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That one's good, Gitas. | |
| I just want to go to the fucking UFC, dawg. | ||
| Well, come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do it. | |
| Are you booked? | ||
| I think I'm booked for the Irvine one. | ||
| But are you booked for that February weekend? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I gotta look. | ||
| It's either the week of February or the week before that I'm booked. | ||
| All you motherfuckers have careers now. | ||
| This is very disappointing. | ||
| We have no fucking careers, dawg. | ||
| Ari Shafir is booked every goddamn weekend. | ||
| He was supposed to come with me to Ohio. | ||
| Remember that, Brian? | ||
| We advertise him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, sorry. | |
| I got booked somewhere. | ||
| Oh, he's booked? | ||
| I got booked at Governor's. | ||
| Yeah, he's just taking bookings over this, the motherfucker. | ||
| He's going money. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He's taking money. | ||
| Yeah, he needs to call his agent up and tell him he's already booked. | ||
| We told the people on the internet, Ari Shafir, you'd be coming to Columbus, Ohio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need to fucking go to the governor's and whatever, whatever. | |
| Mumble, mumble, mumble. | ||
| Find the weed. | ||
| Mumble, mumble, mumble. | ||
| Powerful R. Shafir just released his second recording, whatever it is, DVD, CD. That was my old house, man. | ||
| Remember that, Joey Diaz? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the early weed smoking days. | ||
| That was like the first year of me smoking weed. | ||
| That was my full gaming rig set up. | ||
| See all that shit in the background? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I built that computer behind Joey's head. | ||
| I put that motherfucker together myself. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I built that thing from scratch. | ||
| Motherboard, add hard drives, the whole deal. | ||
| That's why I used to do that shit back then. | ||
| I used to make my own gaming computers. | ||
| Because if you made them, you could like, you know, you understood like, it's really not very hard. | ||
| It's really pretty easy. | ||
| You just, you follow instructions. | ||
| You know, all you have to do is just put the stuff in the right place and set the jumpers. | ||
| Remember that, Brian? | ||
| Remember setting jumpers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the most annoying shit ever. | ||
| Yeah, we used to have tweezers, and we used to have to pull these little plastic things out and stick them in the right slots. | ||
| They had to be in the right slots for various reasons, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it was like, certain things had to be on different frequencies, and they, you know... | ||
| And then you had to flash your bios. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| What the fuck, Joe Diaz? | ||
| You never did nothing like that, huh? | ||
| No, I know nothing about this. | ||
| He just got a website from GoDaddy. | ||
| I have a hard time changing a fucking flat tire. | ||
| When are you doing... | ||
| Are you doing the church of What's Happening Now on Ustream at all? | ||
| No, I'm still on with the other guys. | ||
| Stick cam? | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| Stick cam? | ||
| Stick cam. | ||
| But I'm going to start doing a show live with them on Wednesdays from the Nerdist Studios. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| So Wednesdays. | ||
| At the comic book store, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wednesday day. | |
| No, in the morning at 6 a.m. | ||
| But they have a comic book store. | ||
| Isn't that where they have it set up? | ||
| I hear the fucking stand-up is off the chain. | ||
| Why don't you get a fucking night there, Red Band? | ||
| At the... | ||
| Nerdist Studios. | ||
| I had the fucking one night there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where? | |
| At the Nerdist place? | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's fucking 200 people watching comics. | ||
| They tell me you can't even get parking spots down there. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because of the Nerdist Studios. | ||
| Well, you know... | ||
| It's at the comic book store Meltdown, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I used to go there before Nerdist was there. | ||
| It's small though. | ||
| 200 people? | ||
| But they have a back room. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Let's do a show next week after the end of the world at the Ice House. | ||
| Let's do something for the end of the year. | ||
| Next Wednesday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We good? | |
| Is that Christmas or something? | ||
| Next Wednesday? | ||
| Is it Christmas? | ||
| No, it's the 26th. | ||
| I'll be out of town 26th. | ||
| What is next Wednesday? | ||
| Is it the 26th? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a show in Brea with Doug Benson, I believe. | ||
| Yeah, it is the 26th. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, we can't do a show the day after Christmas. | ||
| We could do that Friday, though. | ||
| That Friday, that Friday, that Friday. | ||
| Nope, I'm gone. | ||
| Where are you? | ||
| I'm in Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this casino like a... | |
| What about Thursday? | ||
| Thursday. | ||
| We got Thursday. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let's do a powerful desk watch show Thursday night. | ||
| Either way, folks, we'll figure it out. | ||
| We'll do one on Wednesday or Thursday. | ||
| We love you, motherfuckers. | ||
| Merry Christmas. | ||
| I love you guys. | ||
| Thank you for the great year. | ||
| Thank you for all the love, you fucking savages. | ||
| We love the fuck out of all of you. | ||
| You have an Irvine show that night? | ||
| Yeah, the 26th, I'm with Doug Benson and Irvine Improv. | ||
| And the 27th, which is Thursday, what do you got? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Oh, so Thursday's good for you. | ||
| Thursday's good for you? | ||
| Thursday or Friday. | ||
| I already have Friday. | ||
| I got Friday. | ||
| Friday's Vegas. | ||
| So are you doing the show that Friday in Vegas? | ||
| Not that weekend, man. | ||
| Waiting until February. | ||
| February rolls around. | ||
| Got a lot of things happening, man. | ||
| First week of February, if there is a world left, we're going to do the Mandalay Bay Convention Center. | ||
| We'll do it in the big room where they do the weigh-ins. | ||
| So it's like 3,000 people. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I need me some Joe ideas in that show. | ||
| You doing it? | ||
| You committed? | ||
| Motherfucker, commit. | ||
| Who could possibly tell you to do something other than what you want to do? | ||
| Would you have a calendar on your phone? | ||
| Make some shit happen. | ||
| Let me match numbers at least. | ||
| I'll be at the San Manuel Casino tomorrow. | ||
| Oh, come on, man. | ||
| That's a black show. | ||
| Is that... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep it together. | |
| Where's Sam Manuel? | ||
| Keep it together. | ||
| It's fuckin' far, dawg! | ||
| Where's Sam Manuel? | ||
| You gotta leave like a 4 in the afternoon. | ||
| Is that like West Palm's? | ||
| No, you gotta go early, like 3 and shit. | ||
| That's like 7 hours. | ||
| No way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's where the drug mules stop to drop off their stool. | |
| There's a special meeting room in the bathroom at that casino. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, man, listen. | |
| Been out here in Nashville for a while, and a lot of pretty girls. | ||
| Love y'all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ed Parker taught me some karate. | |
| Always been a big believer in the arts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this doesn't look that bad. | |
| It's not, it doesn't look like that. | ||
| You know, what's important is that they show this old Indian dude. | ||
| I feel protected. | ||
| Why don't you guys show me some hot bitches that are also going to this casino? | ||
| Why are you showing me an old Indian? | ||
| Yeah, there has to be a hot bitch right here, right? | ||
| You don't have to show me a dreamcatcher. | ||
| This ain't a fucking Stephen King book, okay? | ||
| Show me some hot bitches. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's an Indian casino. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| You're not advertising the correct way. | ||
| Old Indians rarely get people to go visit them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a hot bitch. | |
| Where you got? | ||
| That girl in the corner? | ||
| She's in a corner. | ||
| Fucking hysterical. | ||
| You can barely find her. | ||
| Cold Hard Cash. | ||
| Those places are interesting. | ||
| We used to go to a lot of those Indian casinos back in the day when mixed martial arts was illegal in California. | ||
| Eddie Bravo and I, we used to drive out to see the King of the Cages and shit. | ||
| We used to go out. | ||
| They were always in these... | ||
| Oh, they have it. | ||
| Look, that's funny. | ||
| Right when you said it, pulled up King of the Cages. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, King of the Cages is a good... | ||
| I think that's Tony Lopez. | ||
| King of the Cages is a good... | ||
| What's the date? | ||
| What's the date? | ||
| January 3rd. | ||
| No, that's not... | ||
| Go back to King of the Cages. | ||
| It was December 19th. | ||
| December 20th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait. | |
| Is that tomorrow? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Did that just... | ||
| I'm gonna be there the same time as King of Cage! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Oh my god, you're fucked, dude. | ||
| It's Thursday. | ||
| No, no, that's Thursday. | ||
| No, Wednesday. | ||
| December 20th. | ||
| It said Wednesday. | ||
| December 19th. | ||
| December 19th. | ||
| Oh, no, that's the weigh-in. | ||
| Oh, it's weigh-in. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You lucked out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Well, if you're going to King Cage, you want to see the comedy silence of me in a black room. | ||
| Today's the 18th. | ||
| So the weigh-in is Wednesday. | ||
| The fight is Thursday. | ||
| So when are you going to be there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to be there Wednesday? | |
| So you're going to be there when they're grumpy. | ||
| You're going to be there when they're cutting weight and all their teams are getting amped up and staring each other down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Going down, bitch! | |
| Going down, bitch! | ||
| Mike Epps is going to be there. | ||
| A lot of good fighters there, though. | ||
| Mike Epps is there January 17th. | ||
| He can't help you. | ||
| He can't help me two days. | ||
| No, it's like that fucking Lil Wayne video. | ||
| You know he can't save you. | ||
| You know he can't save you? | ||
| He can't save you. | ||
| Oh, look, the Ohio players. | ||
| In the real world, he can't save you. | ||
| Brian, I wish you luck in your quest to make black people laugh. | ||
| I suggest you not do any of your racist jokes. | ||
| No, I will not do. | ||
| I only have one black joke. | ||
| It's barely racist. | ||
| It's barely racist. | ||
| I'm on your side, but I suggest you dance around that. | ||
| And start strong. | ||
| You've got to start strong. | ||
| No slurring. | ||
| No slurring. | ||
| No smoking weed before that. | ||
| No probi-joe. | ||
| Maybe a little bit of that probi-joe. | ||
| You need to get yourself a doctor. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Powerful Joe Diaz. | ||
| Thank you very much for joining us, man. | ||
| Love you, brother. | ||
| I love the fucking shit out of you. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| You know we do it right. | ||
| And we're going to have a good goddamn time this Friday at the end of the world show. | ||
| Thank you to audible.com. | ||
| Go to audible.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Get yourself 30 days free and one free audio book. | ||
| It's an amazing service. | ||
| I almost said surface. | ||
| Then I realized what I was saying as I was saying it. | ||
| It's an amazing service. | ||
| I use it. | ||
| I've used it for a while and the book I'm reading from it right now is called Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan who will be on the podcast soon. | ||
| We're going back and forth. | ||
| About this right now. | ||
| But I got a lot of people booked already, bitches. | ||
| Shit is blowing up. | ||
| I'm hooking you up with some fresh guests. | ||
| Talk to Tom Green. | ||
| He wants to come back on. | ||
| Powerful Tom Green. | ||
| I want Tom Green on. | ||
| I was really impressed with Tom Green's special. | ||
| I watched four comedy specials in a row, which I don't usually do. | ||
| Tom Green was the one that made me laugh. | ||
| I thought that was really awesome. | ||
| Tom Green has only been doing stand-up for five years, I think. | ||
| He hasn't really been doing it that long. | ||
| We had him on the podcast last night. | ||
| He was saying that he sold his whole entire studio. | ||
| He had a TV studio in his house. | ||
| He sold the whole thing and just got rid of all his stuff. | ||
| That's not there in his house anymore. | ||
| He's now just thinking about coming back and doing a podcast now again. | ||
| But he's just been focused on comedy. | ||
| Yeah, well, you can tell. | ||
| You can tell. | ||
| If you see his last special, it was really good. | ||
| I think he did it from Australia. | ||
| I want to say he did it from Australia. | ||
| I might not be right about that, though. | ||
| But whatever it was, it was really good. | ||
| I mean, Tom's a great guy. | ||
| I would love to have him on. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| Doug Stanhope will be joining us, you dirty bitches, on Saturday. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Depending on whether or not Saturday actually exists. | ||
| But we got a lot of cool guests coming up, including Steve Volk, the author of Fringeology. | ||
| Steve Ranello is going to be on in January. | ||
| We're going to get to talk about my hunting trip with him. | ||
| Successful. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Brody, enjoy it! | ||
| Successful hunter! | ||
| Got meat! | ||
| Positive energy! | ||
| Go see Brody Stevens anytime you can, and when you see him, give him a fucking hug for all of us, because we love the shit out of him. | ||
| We've got to get Brian Holtzman on this podcast, too. | ||
| Can you make contact with him, Brian? | ||
| I haven't seen him in a while. | ||
| We're going to find him, folks. | ||
| We're going to bring him to you. | ||
| All right, follow MadFlavor on Twitter. | ||
| That is Joey Diaz's handle. | ||
| I know it's not Joey Diaz. | ||
| I know it's confusing, but if you put in Joey Diaz in the search engine, MadFlavor's the first one that shows up. | ||
| You can do it, you fucks. | ||
| Keep it together. | ||
| Thank you to Onnit.com. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAT. That's O-N-N-I-T.com. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAT and save yourself. | ||
| Have you seen this show yet? | ||
| The Tim Ferriss' new show? | ||
| Oh, Tim Ferriss was on Meat Eater as well. | ||
| Yeah, he's a meat eater. | ||
| And look, he's on there wearing a Desquad shirt. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome! | ||
| He went on the Meat Eater wearing a Desquad shirt! | ||
| That is the shit! | ||
| What a cool guy Tim Ferriss is. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Check out the Sportsman channel. | |
| Him, if I could get him, Cara Maria, and Dave Asprey in the room all at one time, I really think that I could be smarter. | ||
| I will rise. | ||
| And Dennis McKenna, all of them together, talking together, I will absorb their energy and become smarter. | ||
| Tim Ferriss is cool as fuck. | ||
| Thank you, Tim. | ||
| Yeah, thanks, Tim. | ||
| Yeah, and we'll have him on again, fucking for sure, without a doubt. | ||
| Alright, folks, this is the last episode in the 300-episode series. | ||
| Thanks for playing along, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, 300th episode. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Syndication! | |
| Bitches. | ||
| Yeah, we hit syndication. | ||
| We're, you know, listen. | ||
| We're too busy for this. | ||
| We didn't start this thing off thinking it would ever become what it is now. | ||
| We, you know, we just started it off for a goof. | ||
| And three years later, here we are. | ||
| And we've had a great fucking time. | ||
| We appreciate all you people that say nice things about it, that enjoy it, and say that it enhances your life. | ||
| And it enhances ours, too. | ||
| We would never get to have, even though we have cool friends like Joey Diaz and, you know, Doug Stanhope and all these people... | ||
| It's really hard to get all these people to sit down and talk with you for three hours at a time like this unless you're broadcasting it. | ||
| Just the fact that it's going out to all you actually benefits us just as much as it benefits you. | ||
| We're all in this together, you fucks. | ||
| Keep it together and we'll see you on Saturday or we'll see you Friday at the end of the World Show. | ||
| We'll see you Thursday. | ||
| Oh, we'll see you Thursday at the Improv. | ||
| Oh, we might see you tonight. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| I might run into you out there out in the wild. |
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