Sept. 26, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:49:01
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| It is live. | ||
| It was live already. | ||
| I was watching it. | ||
| Yeah, the recording thing was flashing. | ||
| It wasn't recording. | ||
| Son of a bitch recording. | ||
| Standing by for speed. | ||
| You stream thing. | ||
| You fuck. | ||
| You substitution for the expensive... | ||
| What is it that my buddy Justin used? | ||
| Yeah, TriCaster. | ||
| That's supposed to be the shit. | ||
| Yeah, they're awesome. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by many things in which we love... | ||
| One of them is Audible.com. | ||
| Audible.com is something that I have used for many, many a moon, and Audible occasionally sponsors this podcast. | ||
| If you have never been to Audible.com, what Audible.com is, is it has a plethora of great... | ||
| Like, books on tape. | ||
| People who, like Steve Martin, read his book. | ||
| Didn't he read his book on tape? | ||
| Yeah, and it's one of the best ones. | ||
| I use Audible a lot, and that's one of my favorite books on tapes ever. | ||
| Yeah, and there's so many of them, so many great books there. | ||
| They also have the one book that I recommend to people on a regular basis, which is The War of Art. | ||
| For any creative people, any creative types who are trying to overcome procrastination or blocks or whatever, This guy, Steven Pressfield, calls Resistance. | ||
| It's a really brilliant, brilliant book and it is available on tape as well. | ||
| I think that Audible books are amazing and even better than, in my opinion, than regular books because what I use them for is when I'm stuck doing other things that do... | ||
| You know, if you're on a plane, you're essentially wasting time. | ||
| Unless I'm riding on a plane or... | ||
| Or unless I'm getting actual work done, it's a fucking huge waste of time. | ||
| But you can read an awesome book on a plane and get an educational experience, get an enriching and exciting experience. | ||
| The commute, same thing. | ||
| And the beautiful thing about Audible is you can download it to your iPod, you can play it in your car, you can play it at the gym. | ||
| It's just an awesome service. | ||
| And if you go to Audible.com Joe... | ||
| I don't know what happens when you go there. | ||
| It's probably better. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Here's a sample from... | ||
| Oh, you can try Audible free for 30 days. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| You get a free audio book and you get to try Audible free. | ||
| That is not really Audible.com. | ||
| Oh, that's Steve Martin. | ||
| Is that Steve Martin playing his banjo? | ||
| Yeah, it's Steve Martin playing his banjo. | ||
| He's just picking, bro. | ||
| Let him pick. | ||
| Listen, he'll... | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker, Steve Martin. | ||
| One of the underrated comedians... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did stand-up comedy for 18 years. | |
| Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four were spent in wild success. | ||
| My most persistent memory of Steve. | ||
| Stop it right here. | ||
| I'm going to get a boner and I'm going to want to hear the whole thing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, I need to get that. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm going to get that. | ||
| That just got me excited just hearing him. | ||
| I fucking love people even talking about comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you not read that book? | |
| Brian gave it to me. | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
| Many years ago. | ||
| But hearing him talk about it is better. | ||
| It's better than the book. | ||
| He talks about the Ice House. | ||
| He started up here in the Ice House. | ||
| Yeah, the Ice House is fucking the bomb diggity. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Go to Audible.com forward slash Joe and what you get is you can try Audible free for 30 days and you get a free audiobook. | ||
| So check that shit out, bitches. | ||
| And if you want to get a sexy t-shirt like the one I'm sporting here, you got to go to Desquad.tv, son. | ||
| Desquad.tv is where... | ||
| That's the original shirt. | ||
| This is original. | ||
| This is the OG kitty cat that is tattooed on numerous people. | ||
| All throughout the land. | ||
| And Kevin Pereira, our friend, is holding up. | ||
| That is the new one. | ||
| That is my favorite cat. | ||
| That creepy cat. | ||
| That cat creeps the fuck out of me. | ||
| It's like playing spot the copyright violation. | ||
| I just love adding him up in this shirt. | ||
| I'm not down with that. | ||
| Who's going to sue today? | ||
| But the cat is free. | ||
| It's a remix, Joe. | ||
| It's a remix. | ||
| But the cat's not a remix. | ||
| That cat's dope as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Of course. | ||
| Anyway, thank you everybody who came out to Toronto. | ||
| I saw the Dust Squad t-shirts. | ||
| I saw the Hire Primate t-shirts too, my t-shirt company I never even mentioned. | ||
| I'm the worst promoter ever for my own company. | ||
| Hire-primate.com is my t-shirt company. | ||
| If you go there, it's all t-shirts with monkeys and mushrooms. | ||
| It's monkeys and psychedelic drugs. | ||
| And I've got more coming. | ||
| I've got some new ideas. | ||
| I'm retarded, okay? | ||
| There's something wrong with me. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| I'm a grown man with children of my own. | ||
| I have a t-shirt company that's about monkeys and drugs. | ||
| We're out of a lot of sizes right now, but we've got new shit coming in. | ||
| They sell so quick that I don't talk about them. | ||
| This is how lazy I am. | ||
| I don't talk about them because I don't want to have to replenish my supply and call people. | ||
| It's a pain in the ass. | ||
| Yeah, but this is my company. | ||
| Desquad.tv is Brian's company, so when you buy these things, these are directly supporting us. | ||
| I also have a piece of Onnit.com. | ||
| Onnit.com is the company that we've been working with for years now and selling nutritional supplements. | ||
| And I tell everybody. | ||
| And that's another thing that I've had come up to me on the road that is just humbling and amazing and inspiring. | ||
| How many people have come up to me and said they've lost a shitload of weight since they started listening to this podcast? | ||
| They think about things differently, that they're eating kale shakes every day. | ||
| I'm a big proponent of nutrition. | ||
| There's a huge difference between the way I feel when I'm eating healthy and when I feel when I'm not. | ||
| Your body needs a bunch of shit to run good. | ||
| And science has isolated the ones that affect your mind in a very positive way. | ||
| And these are called nootropics. | ||
| And what they essentially do is they help your brain produce more human neurotransmitters. | ||
| It makes your brain fire quicker. | ||
| It makes your brain... | ||
| You know the days when you just feel fucking shitty where you can't come up with names and you're scrambling? | ||
| Your brain's like firing bad. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| They're not coming out. | ||
| Even like a normal word. | ||
| Alpha brain prevents all that shit. | ||
| For me. | ||
| It doesn't work for everybody. | ||
| If you're fucking smoking cigarettes and not taking care of yourself, I don't know how much it's going to affect you. | ||
| But it's like smacking the turbo button on an old 486 tower. | ||
| For me, it has a big effect. | ||
| I fucking love this stuff. | ||
| I take it every day. | ||
| I also take Shroom Tech Sport. | ||
| It's a Cordyceps mushroom supplement that we sell. | ||
| Cordyceps mushroom has been showed to aid your body's ability to process oxygen and it gives people more endurance. | ||
| It was sort of discovered by high-altitude herders. | ||
| They found that their cows were eating these mushrooms, and they had more activity, so people started eating them. | ||
| And it's some crazy cryptic process where you have to grow this mold on the back of a fucking caterpillar. | ||
| It's really, yeah, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| Google it, or go to Onnit.com. | ||
| All the questions, all the important, all the answers, rather, to the important questions that I'm sure you have if you're smart. | ||
| All these questions cannot be answered by a moron like myself. | ||
| When I tell you all these things about human neurotransmitters, I don't really know what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm just sort of repeating things. | ||
| You've read a PDF that knows exactly what it was saying. | ||
| Yeah, I know what that says. | ||
| I can regurgitate paragraph three and it sounds science-y. | ||
| I can sound smart as fuck, son. | ||
| But if you told me to spot, you know, like, okay, and the neurotransmitters do what exactly? | ||
| I'd be like, well, they make you fucking awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm going to put that on a t-shirt with some monkeys and sell it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't have any answers to those questions. | ||
| We also sell kettlebells and battle ropes. | ||
| We have hemp protein powder that we sell that is the very finest hemp protein powder on earth. | ||
| It has raw cocoa in it and maca in it. | ||
| I need some of that. | ||
| It's fucking strong. | ||
| I'll have it sent to you. | ||
| Let me know. | ||
| Look, the way we have it at Onnit is that we're trying to sell you the very best shit possible. | ||
| Everything we sell is the highest quality. | ||
| And it's not all cheap, but it's the best you can get. | ||
| And for the nutritional supplements, for the first 30 pills, you get a 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| If you try Alpha Brain, you don't feel like it's doing anything for you. | ||
| Your money's refunded. | ||
| You don't even have to return the product. | ||
| No one's trying to rip you off. | ||
| We are just only trying to sell you the things that I use, the things that if you can afford them, they are the very best ones available. | ||
| The kettlebells, the Troy kettlebells, they are the very best kettlebells available. | ||
| Battle ropes, the very best available. | ||
| Most of it is the cheapest we can sell. | ||
| The battle ropes are the cheapest you can find on the internet. | ||
| The kettlebells are right up there, literally as low as we can price them without losing money selling them. | ||
| So this is all like super high-end stuff, and if you use a code name ROGAN, you will save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| That sounds like a real commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so boring. | |
| I want, like, you need an 80s style. | ||
| Remember how they used to sell action figures in the 80s with kids busting through like foam brick walls and shit like that? | ||
| You need something like that for battle ropes. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Battle ropes! | ||
| I'm going to take you down with my battle rope, Jimmy! | ||
| And then there's a smoke machine that fires up. | ||
| We need like an old commercial, like one of those Atlas commercials, where he's on the beach and someone kicks sand in his face. | ||
| And he's like, you motherfucker! | ||
| And he picks up the ropes and you see his muscles just growing up. | ||
| Take that and never do well. | ||
| When you think about the movements of battle ropes, it's totally like chimpanzee movements when they're beating the shit out of something. | ||
| Or when they were clubbing a bride to drive back to the cave. | ||
| It's definitely primal. | ||
| It's good for Hammerfist, too. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Kevin Pereira is here. | ||
| You dirty bitches. | ||
| Buckle the fuck up, kids. | ||
| Strap yourself in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're ready to launch! | |
| I finished. | ||
| I'm in the refractory period. | ||
| I need ice. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan podcast by night. | |
| All day. | ||
| All night. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| All day, all night, all day, son. | ||
| Controversy all over the world, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I'm clapping for you. | ||
| I'm clapping for myself. | ||
| I'm clapping for this fucking day. | ||
| Pereira is here, bitches. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| Dude, it's so nice to see you again, my friend. | ||
| It's so good to see you as well, sir. | ||
| You have abandoned your spot on television like a real G and stepped out into the real world, man. | ||
| That takes balls. | ||
| I pulled the cord and slammed through the glass canopy. | ||
| For folks who don't know, Kevin was the host of Attack of the Show on G4 for, Jesus, how many years? | ||
| God, I was with the network for ten years, and I hosted Attack for six. | ||
| When did I first do your show? | ||
| What year was it? | ||
| We were probably two or three years into it. | ||
| So, 2007 or something like that? | ||
| Give or take, sure. | ||
| Seven or eight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we've been friends ever since, and Kevin's on the podcast several times. | ||
| We went to Things Remembered after the first show, and we got one of those little heartbreak necklaces. | ||
| Mine has B-E on it and F-R-I, and you have the other letters, and we put it together. | ||
| We summon a very sexual Captain Planet. | ||
| I'm going to make Brian jealous right now. | ||
| Brian has the arrow that goes through the heart. | ||
| Right to the knee. | ||
| Which one is the male and which one is the female? | ||
| Is the male the arrow that goes through the heart? | ||
| The circle? | ||
| The male has two circles at the bottom to represent testicles. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It should. | ||
| Write your own Google. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Update the wiki. | |
| I'm pretty sure I got the answers to this bitch. | ||
| It totally should, right? | ||
| It should look like a dick. | ||
| Why does it have to be the symbol for mail? | ||
| Who designed those things? | ||
| It was probably someone who really couldn't draw that well, so we said, here's a stick with a loop, and we'll call that the mail. | ||
| I bet it was a dude who designed Prince's thing when he stopped being a person. | ||
| I need a symbol. | ||
| I think that was a legal thing, though. | ||
| I think that was one of those record companies fucking you over things. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what, if you just have a symbol, your music is fucking hard to torrent. | ||
| Yeah, super hard. | ||
| If you're just like, Alt-J uses a triangle, and thankfully you can type in Alt-J, but if you just have to type the triangle, that requires extended ASCII knowledge. | ||
| My dad's not going to pirate that album. | ||
| Way too hard. | ||
| Yeah, how would you draw that print symbol? | ||
| You would have to get a font made up, and then someone would have to agree to assign a key to that font, and the OS would have to be changed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| IOS 6.5. | ||
| That will have the emoji and Prince icon set. | ||
| I don't think it's necessary. | ||
| I think he's Prince again. | ||
| What are you doing over there? | ||
| What are you doing over there? | ||
| I think it's the old screensaver shit. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I went on Leo Laporte's show. | ||
| That was wild. | ||
| Leo Laporte was awesome, man. | ||
| I used to love that show. | ||
| My wife would get so mad at me for watching that stupid show. | ||
| Which one did you watch? | ||
| Screensavers or Call for Help? | ||
| Screensavers. | ||
| She was like, this is so boring. | ||
| Well, that was the thing. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I was a super fan of tech TV and Leos and everything they did, but it's wild the notion that on television, where they're trying to reach a very broad audience, there was an hour, sometimes five-hour marathon-long show of like, you got a problem with your printer driver? | ||
| Okay, what Model HP do you have? | ||
| Alright, let's check some DLL files. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Talk about narrowcasting. | ||
| They're spending 30 minutes helping one person with their fucking printer driver. | ||
| And I loved it. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| I learned so much. | ||
| It taught me a lot. | ||
| Yeah, it did me as well. | ||
| I think we underestimate people's attention spans for these type of things. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think people are very curious about those kind of things. | ||
| And some folks aren't. | ||
| Look, there was a UFC this weekend. | ||
| Where these guys fought for the flyweight title, and it was a fucking amazing fight between Joseph Benavidez and this guy, Demetrius Mighty Mouse Johnson, who wanted to win a decision. | ||
| And the crowd was booing. | ||
| They were booing. | ||
| These guys were fucking throwing down. | ||
| They want to see the big power shots. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They want to see someone get knocked unconscious. | ||
| It was so gross. | ||
| It was such a plethora of dummies. | ||
| It was so hard. | ||
| So it's like you're never gonna get away from that. | ||
| You're always gonna have a certain percentage. | ||
| You can train people to have certain viewing habits and expectations and that's what like the Google YouTube channels that came out. | ||
| Some people are doing 30, 40 minute long shows on YouTube that are actually doing pretty well and that kind of behavior a year ago was unheard of. | ||
| The notion that someone would stare at this To stream video for an hour or half hour to watch a web show was unheard of. | ||
| So people can be trained to have different expectations of running times and length. | ||
| So you can manipulate attention spans, essentially. | ||
| It can be done. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, I don't think it's really manipulating attention spans. | ||
| I think we're underestimating people's interests in things. | ||
| When we started doing the podcast, everybody told Brian and I that we had to shorten it. | ||
| I couldn't agree more. | ||
| You have these long-ass conversations, man. | ||
| You've got to shorten it. | ||
| I still agree. | ||
| I was like, there's no way. | ||
| I go, I don't get it. | ||
| It's a conversation. | ||
| If you don't like it, you shut it off. | ||
| If you don't have any more time left, you shut it off. | ||
| There's no obligation to continue with this conversation, but I want... | ||
| I like conversations that I have with my friends when we're up for a couple hours smoking pot or something like that and we have these really intense moments where I'm being aided by his intellect and he's introducing thoughts to my mind. | ||
| There's a real regeneration and refreshing of the mind when you have these kind of conversations. | ||
| Even if you're just talking stone shit about simulation theory and whether or not mushrooms really are a portal to another dimension. | ||
| Just stupid. | ||
| The shit that comes out at hour two and a half, around that mark, is when you get there, which is why you'll never see those kind of conversations on a late night talk show where you have three and a half minutes, plug your movie, get to the clip, get out, and go. | ||
| People don't realize the fun in just shooting the shit with cool people. | ||
| And that's when someone said that they were too long. | ||
| I'm like, you're crazy. | ||
| Just because everybody else is doing an hour doesn't mean it has to be an hour. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| Giving them too much is way better than not giving them enough. | ||
| The idea is to just put out the best shit you can put out. | ||
| And if you could keep going after two hours, why wouldn't you keep going? | ||
| This is what you're trying to do, right? | ||
| You're trying to tune people into this real conversation. | ||
| It's kind of one of the reasons that I actually ended up having to leave ATT&CK. I mean, there were a myriad reasons, but one of those things was I was getting a chance to meet so many fascinating people who I was passionate about and wanted to talk with, and I was given four minutes live with them. | ||
| Dude, you need a podcast. | ||
| And it's my first time saying hello. | ||
| You need a podcast yesterday. | ||
| In the works, sure. | ||
| Fuck the works. | ||
| In the works. | ||
| Dude, you need to do one tonight, right after this podcast. | ||
| I'll be your first guest on your podcast. | ||
| This isn't me tugging off strangers. | ||
| This is me spinning plates, alright? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I got a couple in the air right. | ||
| I'm sure you do. | ||
| But what I'm saying is your gift is that you're an intelligent, curious guy. | ||
| I mean, one of your gifts, obviously. | ||
| You're a brilliant guy. | ||
| Talk about my eyes, asshole. | ||
| I love your face, too. | ||
| You're handsome. | ||
| You have great bone structure. | ||
| Apple Maps cannot navigate you out of here if you get lost. | ||
| There's no better... | ||
| I'm lost already. | ||
| I was lost before I got here. | ||
| There's no better expression or portal for expression for you than a podcast where you can control... | ||
| Especially something like this where you can add video. | ||
| We can essentially do whatever we want. | ||
| It's so close to a real television show. | ||
| Except there's no ads ever. | ||
| There's ads in the beginning and then the whole fucking thing runs for three hours... | ||
| Yet, people will still complain. | ||
| You pretty much do that already, though. | ||
| You did stick cam last night for an hour. | ||
| I do it randomly. | ||
| I'll hop on, and if I'm gonna drum, I'll live cast some of my drumming, but then it always ends up with me sweaty and having an emotional outpour, and then I start ranting to strangers. | ||
| Oh, I did. | ||
| I will press the ham up against the webcam. | ||
| Looks like it's a Portuguese hedgehog just mashed against the lens. | ||
| There's girls right now going through your recorded YouTube, Ustream videos trying to find it. | ||
| Primarily 18 to 34 year old males going through that Ustream trying to find it. | ||
| Yeah, you're more of like a gay crush. | ||
| Yeah, am I a twink or a bear? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| I think you're just a handsome young guy. | ||
| It looks like you could be easily overpowered. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| There's something sexual. | ||
| I wouldn't even fight. | ||
| I would scrap if it turned you on. | ||
| That's about it. | ||
| I might paw at your face if I thought it would make you harder. | ||
| Just that alone, that sentence is really disturbing. | ||
| I might fight if it makes you... | ||
| Oh, Brian and I were having that conversation before we went live of girls that request and demand that you strike them during the act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's craziness. | |
| And I've been with one, and it was insane, and I couldn't do it for more than five or ten sessions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It started to hurt my wrists. | ||
| I've never had a girl ask me to hit her, but I have had girls ask me to rape them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| That's even worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's kind. | ||
| Yeah, like, I've had girls that wanted to fight me off. | ||
| Is that how that works? | ||
| Because, oh, they want you to... | ||
| Yeah, like, she explained it to me that she wanted me to rape her and she wanted to fight me off. | ||
| And I was like, fuck. | ||
| I feel like that sentence is followed with, your honor. | ||
| Well, first, you can't. | ||
| She was asking for it. | ||
| We were in an alley. | ||
| She said, let me break my nails against the concrete. | ||
| We never wound up doing it. | ||
| I should just clarify. | ||
| I just thought it was the craziest thing I'd ever heard in my life. | ||
| I was like, look, I'm into living with reality. | ||
| I don't know what you're trying to... | ||
| We'd only been dating in a little while. | ||
| We didn't need any fantasies yet. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| Our regular sex life is going stale. | ||
| I need a rape fantasy. | ||
| Who you really are, who I really am, and we're both horny. | ||
| Throw me into a van and hit me with a two-by-four. | ||
| No, so she wanted to fight me off. | ||
| It was this weird thing. | ||
| She's like, but you know that it's not, so it's okay. | ||
| I go, it's not, because I'm still going to do it. | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| I don't want to associate physical aggression with sexuality. | ||
| It's tough because this isn't my story to really tell, and I have a very close-knit group of friends, but someone in that group... | ||
| His name rhymes with... | ||
| Mob! | ||
| No, what's his name? | ||
| Come on, give up the dude's name. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's a brilliant story. | ||
| He started dating... | ||
| Give him a fake name. | ||
| I'm going to cliff notes this here. | ||
| My buddy Dale... | ||
| Oh, Dale. | ||
| Started to date a woman, Sharice, and Sharice told Dale it was always a fantasy of hers to be raped, but it's sort of one of those things where you can't ask to be raped because then you know, and it would ruin the fantasy. | ||
| So after they'd been dating for no less than a year, and they were both into kinky sex and weird sex circles and kind of went around in those... | ||
| Oh, Kevin Rose. | ||
| I'm not going to say yes, but I'm going to tap my nose and wink and point your way. | ||
| So my buddy Kevin was like, I mean, Dale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That shit! | |
| Son of a bitch! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lucky kettlebells! | |
| So, less than a year they've been dating, he arranges. | ||
| She's flying in from town. | ||
| He arranges for three giant dudes to pick her up at the airport, take her away, throw her in a van, pretty much run a train on her outside a gas station. | ||
| She's crying, thinks the real thing has happened. | ||
| Then he shows up and he says, happy birthday. | ||
| And she cried and thanked him and couldn't believe it. | ||
| They're still together to this day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yep. | ||
| That's the first time I met Kevin Rose. | ||
| I was invited to run a train on his girlfriend. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I had no idea Sarah Lane and him. | ||
| We're still dating. | ||
| Stop with the fucking names. | ||
| Absolutely not him whatsoever. | ||
| That is the namesake behind this podcast. | ||
| That is a joke for 12 people. | ||
| This is all just a joke. | ||
| But that's a crazy story, man. | ||
| Insane, right? | ||
| That's a fucked up story. | ||
| And she liked it? | ||
| And so that's when I go, like, immediately I go, you know what? | ||
| I want to be clear as well. | ||
| That's not for me. | ||
| Not necessarily for me, alright? | ||
| I have a rape fantasy, and I would love for three dudes to run a train on me, sure, but I'm not going to admit that, right? | ||
| So not for me. | ||
| But on the other hand, on the flip side of that coin, that's fucking love. | ||
| Like at some point, you go, what were the odds of those two ships passing in the night, one having a rape fantasy, the other be willing to fulfill it in that capacity and go for it? | ||
| And then say happy birthday? | ||
| And then say happy birthday! | ||
| That might be the craziest story. | ||
| The frosting on the cake is on your face. | ||
| That might be the craziest story I've ever heard about a man and a woman together. | ||
| It's pretty fantastic. | ||
| I'm just trying to think who it is. | ||
| I had to see Adam Sessler doing that. | ||
| This is nobody that's in any sort of limelight. | ||
| They don't have Wikipedia. | ||
| It's really fucked up that there's these... | ||
| Variables. | ||
| Because it would be nice if rape was always bad. | ||
| It would be nice if girls did not ever have a rape fantasy, so there couldn't be any weirdness. | ||
| I can't remember which comedian it is. | ||
| It might have been Louis C.K. that had a bit about when a girl says no, and she's like, why didn't you go for it? | ||
| Because you said no. | ||
| Yeah, but it meant no playfully. | ||
| It's like, I'm not going to have sex with you on the off chance that you're into that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's no... | ||
| No should really mean no, and yes can mean yes. | ||
| But the problem is, that's not what she wants. | ||
| She really wants you to take it, which is crazy, because for a woman who doesn't want that, it's a horrific idea. | ||
| I always apologize after, and Hallmark needs to make cards for that. | ||
| Like, sorry you didn't want to be forcibly sexed. | ||
| Yeah, this girl that I dated that wanted me to rape her, she got over it. | ||
| She only asked for it once, but it was really weird. | ||
| Was that rooted in something else? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Was she a victim of a sex crime earlier? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| She liked super aggression. | ||
| She liked aggression. | ||
| Battle rope movements on her face and back. | ||
| She wanted some fucking drum beating. | ||
| She was just a wild bitch. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what... | ||
| Do you still have her contacted? | ||
| No. | ||
| This was many moons ago. | ||
| Can I find her on Facebook? | ||
| I don't think you can. | ||
| Do you mind if I battle rubber? | ||
| I think you should not. | ||
| She might ruin you. | ||
| I was so tiny, I would snap in half at the thought. | ||
| Plus, she's got to be like 40 now, so it's over. | ||
| I don't mind that. | ||
| I don't mind a little. | ||
| I don't mind when the tread on the tires is worn off. | ||
| I'll hop in there. | ||
| I'll fuck a rim. | ||
| Well, it depends. | ||
| You say it's over, but I saw Cindy Crawford, who was like almost 50, or she might be 50, and she is still hot as fuck. | ||
| What about Gwen Stefani? | ||
| Isn't she like 40-something now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just saw her at the airport on the cover of some magazine, and I'm like, I would absolutely toss it in her. | ||
| Not that I would ever have a chance, but... | ||
| You can't say that, though, based on a magazine cover, because that might as well be like a werewolf. | ||
| Well, I get that there's Photoshop and camera trickery and whatnot. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah, there is. | ||
| I get that that goes on. | ||
| Have you seen those photos of Madonna recently? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| God of Skeletor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But then you see her in other promotional pictures and she looks hot still. | ||
| It's like, what's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's lying to me? | |
| Someone's lying. | ||
| My boner's confused. | ||
| I'm fucking really creeped out by this. | ||
| Like that there must be a Phantom of the Opera type thing going on. | ||
| But would you bang Madonna? | ||
| Knowing what she really looks like? | ||
| Not even for the sport? | ||
| I'm not into that. | ||
| Not for the story of it? | ||
| Not into that. | ||
| Not even to tag her ear and monitor her later? | ||
| When I was 17, I was in love with her. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh yeah, I had a big thing for her after that. | ||
| You loved her music. | ||
| Well, I loved that movie, Vision Quest. | ||
| She sang a song in Vision Quest, and she had a couple songs on the soundtrack, and the soundtrack was what I would use to train with. | ||
| I would always train to the Vision Quest soundtrack. | ||
| I had a Walkman, cassette Walkman dude, old school. | ||
| And when I would do my sprints, I would listen to that. | ||
| So I had this weird crush on her because of that song. | ||
| Would you have to awkwardly fast-forward the cassette to get to the crescendo of the song before a sprint? | ||
| No. | ||
| I wasn't so clever. | ||
| I want to believe you had a talk point. | ||
| It was too difficult back then. | ||
| Because back then it was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| It was like, it's not so easy. | ||
| You really didn't cue things up. | ||
| I would cue up the beginning of the song right before a sprint, maybe. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So you did go through a little bit of that. | ||
| But it sucked, because the fucking cassette thing was too big, so it would slap against your dick while you're running. | ||
| Yeah, hard plastic slapping against you. | ||
| And that's how fetishes are born. | ||
| I was into Madonna back then, which is really funny, because I was 17, and then I found out she was 26. I was like, damn, that bitch is old. | ||
| That's all I can think. | ||
| It's like, I'm 45 now. | ||
| I'm fucking practically dead. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Meanwhile, I feel great. | ||
| But I've just never been into the Madonna type. | ||
| I've never been into super aggressive business. | ||
| I just like that you took a flex break. | ||
| You're like, I'm going to put the podcast on hold, and I'm just going to hit it. | ||
| All right, I'd fuck me. | ||
| Anybody else? | ||
| I'd fuck me right now. | ||
| I'd let me rape me. | ||
| Joe, take me out behind an ANPF. Come on. | ||
| I won't bear Macy, I promise. | ||
| In flexing, I broke loose an eyelash and it fell on my eyeball. | ||
| Oh, I hate that shit. | ||
| I will go ahead and put a key between my fingers, but I'm not going to jab you with it. | ||
| Just come and take me. | ||
| What a shitty design our eyes are that occasionally the rafters fall off into it, and then you can't see. | ||
| What if a fucking bear was trying to get you, and the eyelash fell in your eye, like, Motherfucker! | ||
| Hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| We're going to devolve very soon. | ||
| We're going to become so reliant on plastic chips in our bodies and technology to regulate us that the body's just going to stop. | ||
| They're like, we don't really need eyes anymore. | ||
| We'll figure that out with thermal cameras. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| It's going to be so good. | ||
| I think it's going to be an assimilation. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, we're still going to have some sort of a breeding type thing going on. | ||
| Look, eventually we are going to be those gray aliens. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| We'll be Salt State Drive. | ||
| We were at the Santa Barbara Zoo the other day and got to check some gorillas out. | ||
| Oh, you actually went? | ||
| Oh, it's fucking beautiful. | ||
| Santa Barbara's amazing, man. | ||
| They have a zoo there? | ||
| I've been going there with my family. | ||
| I love Santa Barbara. | ||
| It's a gorgeous community. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Nice little restaurants, beautiful neighborhoods, beautiful view. | ||
| The weather's amazing. | ||
| And they got this cool zoo. | ||
| But all zoos bum me out. | ||
| If I didn't have children, I would never go to the zoo. | ||
| Because I hate the idea of... | ||
| I don't mind the idea of hunting. | ||
| I think the hunting is the way people are supposed to live. | ||
| Well, it depends on how you're hunting as well. | ||
| If you're paying for 5,000 birds to be released so you can shoot them at close range with a shotgun. | ||
| Yeah, you're not really hunting, asshole. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird thing they do with old rich dudes. | ||
| They just give them a shirt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shoot! | |
| Shoot, Sam! | ||
| Bang! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bang! | |
| Or bring you out in a Range Rover and put you within three meters of an elephant and hand you a rifle. | ||
| Just point it anywhere in his general direction and pull the trigger and we'll get a photo of you with a foot on it. | ||
| That's not hunting. | ||
| Not necessarily what I mean. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| What bums me out is animal prisons. | ||
| Animal prisons bum me out way more than hunting. | ||
| Because at least if you're hunting an animal, even if you're not going to eat that animal, if you're going to just give that animal away, which is kind of weird. | ||
| Like this guy, Matt Hughes, who's a UFC champion, just got in trouble with a lot of people. | ||
| People are angry at him because he went to South Africa and shot everything. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Did one of those things. | ||
| Including women and children. | ||
| Like a zebra and a bunch of different animals. | ||
| But even that, to me, it's like... | ||
| That still seems to be better than the fucking zoo. | ||
| I think the zoo is one of the, like... | ||
| If you want to talk about cruelty to animals, the zoo is one of the most fucked up places on earth because those animals are denied all of their natural activities. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| We think that just because they have food, they're okay. | ||
| That is madness. | ||
| Or, hey, well, you know what? | ||
| Their forest was getting cut down, so at least we saved them. | ||
| And I'm like, is that really saving them? | ||
| Putting a natural animal that has instincts that are predatory and then dangling meat from a pole for it or having it pace in a 4x4 cell? | ||
| And they don't even fucking give them Wi-Fi. | ||
| They don't even have Wi-Fi. | ||
| They don't have anything to kill. | ||
| That's something that they do do in other countries. | ||
| In other countries, especially in Asia, when they have tiger preserves, they preserve these tigers, but they feed them live goats. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| Brian, throw a few of those up, because there's hundreds of them online. | ||
| I've seen preserves where they feed them like they fed the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, which is a goat on a chain. | ||
| Better than just handing it the meat that's already killed, but at some point, you should let the goat go. | ||
| You should let them actually hunt. | ||
| And, you know, go through those animalistic behaviors. | ||
| Yeah, that would be better if you had, like, an ecosystem in a place. | ||
| But even that, you shouldn't contain it. | ||
| It shouldn't be that this tiger has no idea what happens if he walks 20 miles to the ocean. | ||
| It shouldn't be that. | ||
| The tiger should be able to go wherever the fuck the tiger is, if that's his habitat. | ||
| Unless we choose to make them extinct. | ||
| If we chews, they're too fucking dangerous, they're eating too many people, and we've got to start jacking them. | ||
| Which, by the way, if I lived in India, I'd be hunting tigers every fucking day of the week. | ||
| More people have died from tigers in India than anywhere in the world. | ||
| Just the Sundarbans alone is at somewhere like 300,000 people have been murdered by tigers over the last hundred years. | ||
| And that's because they're building in their habitat, or because they're trying to keep them as pets? | ||
| Because poor people are living near monsters. | ||
| Not only that, the Sundarbans is a brackish ocean. | ||
| And apparently the tigers drink this water and the water is extra salty so it makes them really aggressive. | ||
| It makes them irritated all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And they're really mean. | ||
| Yeah, I had a bit about it in my act. | ||
| A true story about these poor fucking fishermen. | ||
| They were in a boat. | ||
| There was like five guys in a boat. | ||
| And this tiger swam out to the boat. | ||
| Jumped in. | ||
| Killed the guy. | ||
| Dragged him through the water to the shore. | ||
| Dropped his body off at the shore. | ||
| Jumped back in the water. | ||
| To go get the other guys? | ||
| And did it again. | ||
| Did it three times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| He did it three times. | ||
| So the last two guys were just fucking... | ||
| Being that third guy in the boat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking start paddling. | ||
| You gotta figure something out. | ||
| You know what's happening. | ||
| Who knew tigers were that fucking evil? | ||
| Like, they really are monsters. | ||
| Because they're not doing it for food. | ||
| They're doing it because they can. | ||
| Like, at that point in time, how could you justify... | ||
| They want to swipe off the ears and make a necklace. | ||
| They're doing it for the sport. | ||
| Yeah, how could you justify keeping that thing around? | ||
| What is this, a bull? | ||
| Is this a goat feeding from a... | ||
| That's a cow, I guess, it looks like. | ||
| Oh, there it is, yeah. | ||
| There we go! | ||
| That cow seems like you rushed him a little bit to his talking shit. | ||
| I'll spear this motherfucker. | ||
| I like how they go jiu-jitsu style. | ||
| They go right to the bottom. | ||
| Could you call this like a match? | ||
| Okay, he's got side control. | ||
| He's got the neck. | ||
| As long as he's got the neck, he's good. | ||
| He's got the top of the spine. | ||
| Now, this is really hard for the cow to get anything done here. | ||
| At least the cow's standing, though. | ||
| The cow's got to figure out some way to go to his back and kick that thing off and then get back to his feet and run away. | ||
| But it doesn't look good. | ||
| The tiger's got the back of the neck. | ||
| I think he's fucked. | ||
| Don't forget to check out a new season of The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| Friday night, 7.30. | ||
| There's the dead cow. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Oh, there's a live cow. | ||
| Oh, they have them all hog-tied and shit. | ||
| Yeah, look how they bring them out. | ||
| That poor cow. | ||
| Before they let him get killed by a lion, he lives in shit. | ||
| He gets fucking ball-gagged and strung up by his hooves. | ||
| That's exactly what they did to him. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, so Santa Barbara Zoo was exciting for you, it was good, or it was sad? | ||
| It's cool because the kids get to see the fucking animal jail, but it's sad when you see these. | ||
| Do you explain to them, like, hey, this is not natural for these animals? | ||
| No. | ||
| Or no, you just let it be? | ||
| They're four and two. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I'm not being upset, I'm just saying. | ||
| No, you are being very passive. | ||
| Dude! | ||
| I'm just saying, when I explain to them, I just want them to repeat the names and know where it lives and what it does. | ||
| So then it serves that purpose, though. | ||
| I would rather show them DVDs. | ||
| I really would. | ||
| But kids like looking at shit. | ||
| I could never get my daughter to sit down and watch a documentary on the Congo or something like that. | ||
| But if you take them somewhere and show them some actual real shit, you know, that has a different impact on them. | ||
| But my point was, while I was standing there looking at the gorillas, I was looking at the gorilla and looking at me and then thinking about gray aliens. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, that's next. | ||
| It has to be. | ||
| That really is us. | ||
| Like, I think those fucking eyes, it's because they have, like, built-in sunglasses because we've completely fucked the environment. | ||
| You can't see anymore. | ||
| You go outside. | ||
| It's got triple UV protective layers and reflective coatings. | ||
| Why else would they have those big fucking totally black eyes? | ||
| That shit's his sunglasses. | ||
| Built-in sunglasses. | ||
| Those are Oakley's in 4022. Our eyes got way bigger after Google Goggles. | ||
| It's like an unexpected turn. | ||
| Well, Google Goggles, not only does it give you cancer of the brain, but that cancer specifically makes your eyes grow, and that changed evolution. | ||
| So that's what happened. | ||
| The human eye became large, almond-sized or shaped. | ||
| So when that happened, and then eventually we went with pure telekinesis. | ||
| People stopped talking. | ||
| The mouth shrunk up. | ||
| We won't need physical vessels once we can figure out how to digitize the consciousness. | ||
| Especially if the physical vessel is going to be universal, indiscernible, like it looks like the gray aliens are. | ||
| The gray aliens, it's not like you see a Shaquille O'Neal gray alien right next to Bridget the Midget. | ||
| You're being racist. | ||
| You're saying they all look the same, and I see completely different personalities. | ||
| I can pick out Doug from Xanadu, alright? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Have you ever had any sort of an experience with anything that you thought was paranormal, whether it was a ghost or... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, on Salvia, I've experienced the universe, you know, as a pixel of a human being. | ||
| I've absolutely seen it and felt it and understood it. | ||
| But sober, I haven't felt like phantoms or cold chills or... | ||
| That word sober is a very interesting word because I agree with the idea to a certain extent that... | ||
| When you're intoxicated, that that is an impaired state and that what you're saying is probably not real. | ||
| It's just a distortion of all your sensory perceptions and your body reacting to poison. | ||
| You can trick your body into synesthesia. | ||
| However, there's times when I'm high where I completely disagree that it's not... | ||
| It's not an impaired state. | ||
| It's an enhanced state. | ||
| It's very difficult to manage enhanced state and there's a lot going on. | ||
| But it's not impaired. | ||
| It's modified. | ||
| It's modified. | ||
| It makes reality a little slippery. | ||
| You can get socially awkward. | ||
| You can get paranoid. | ||
| There's a lot of things that can happen that what it is is you have a massive amount of extra sensitivity and it's almost the exact opposite of being drunk. | ||
| And what people don't understand is like, oh, he's in parodies on the pot. | ||
| When I'm on the pot, I play pool twice as good, maybe three times as good. | ||
| I can play professional level for long stretches of time when I'm high as fuck. | ||
| I write better comedy. | ||
| There's a lot going on that you can't say. | ||
| There's no downside to that. | ||
| It's not a detrimental situation. | ||
| Carl Sagan has said something. | ||
| It's my quote on my message board. | ||
| When he said it, I was like, thank you! | ||
| It says, I am convinced there are genuine and valid levels of perception available with cannabis and probably with other drugs, which are Through the defects of our society and our educational system unavailable to us without such drugs. | ||
| And there's real clarity in some of these experiences. | ||
| It's just so much recreational use and so much fucking around with all of us that It's been, especially with people who don't do any of these things, they don't smoke pot, they've never done mushrooms, that it seems like a recreational, silly type activity. | ||
| It doesn't seem like there's any validity. | ||
| Well, yeah, and they're still banking off of the stories and the connotations that have been handed down since the reefer madness days, from Grandpa told someone's parents that that reefer will make you silly, it'll make you crazy, it'll make you a druggie, you'll be a know-nothing, and then that just gets handed down and handed down. | ||
| It would be really cute. | ||
| It would be a cute, fun thing to watch bumble into walls if it wasn't for all the violence. | ||
| If it wasn't for, like, the shit that's going down today in Spain. | ||
| Have you seen this shit, Brian? | ||
| Have you seen the video? | ||
| Please pull up the video of the Spain protesting, because it is crazy. | ||
| Our mainstream news... | ||
| Fuck you, CNN! Fuck you, Fox News! | ||
| You guys suck! | ||
| You are fucking frauds! | ||
| They are not the news! | ||
| Cogs in a machine owned by corporations to facilitate an agenda. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| The fact that no one's covering what's going on in Bahrain. | ||
| No one is covering... | ||
| I mean, the amount of coverage in America on this Spain thing is shameful, and their depiction of it is shamefully inaccurate. | ||
| That it's just a small protest. | ||
| No, this is a fucking whole civilization rising up against their leaders. | ||
| I mean, people are looting for food in trash bins. | ||
| That's how dire the situation has got for a large section of that population. | ||
| And now they're taking to the streets. | ||
| And nobody knows about it. | ||
| And the actual reported figures of unemployment are at 25%. | ||
| But those are disputed by the population. | ||
| They say it could be even worse than that. | ||
| The reported numbers of unemployment... | ||
| And by the way, a lot of times those figures, they only count those who are actively seeking employment and are unable to find it. | ||
| Which means if 25% is statistically unemployed, there might be another 25% that has fucking given up. | ||
| You're exactly right. | ||
| And they're resorting to trash cans and now looting. | ||
| Yeah, you're exactly right. | ||
| That's the people that are still in the system that are being counted as unemployed. | ||
| And people use that as an example of our society, because our society, we try to keep unemployment down. | ||
| You don't know shit. | ||
| You don't know shit. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| You know about people that are in your system. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There's a huge amount of people out there that have fucking thrown in the towel. | ||
| And that's what's going on in Spain. | ||
| Look at the videos. | ||
| It's fucking unbelievable. | ||
| Notice the badge in the corner. | ||
| Not CNN, not MSNBC, not Fox, nothing. | ||
| We've done such a terrible job. | ||
| What does RT stand for again? | ||
| It's not Reuters. | ||
| God, I watch all their stuff all the time. | ||
| In the face with a fucking little baton while they're taking pictures of him. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| But what's really crazy is these fucking cops, man. | ||
| They are just employees of the machine. | ||
| They're not even the machine. | ||
| They're regular folks. | ||
| The regular folks are attacking regular folks. | ||
| But these people are fighting for their jobs right now, just as the people rioting are trying to fight for jobs. | ||
| And that's what's so sad. | ||
| This is how disconnected it is. | ||
| They have to lay down their arms. | ||
| It has to get worse. | ||
| It has to get worse to the point where the... | ||
| The cops realize, okay, we are this civilization. | ||
| We are this population. | ||
| Those people that they are clubbing? | ||
| Oh, look at that guy. | ||
| Flying sidekick. | ||
| And a roundhouse kick to the body. | ||
| Very weak roundhouse kick. | ||
| No turn of the hips at all. | ||
| Look, people are kicking him and pushing him down. | ||
| That's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| That cop's down. | ||
| Nobody took his back. | ||
| Someone should have taken his back. | ||
| Soon they'll bring out the sonic weaponry and the drones and the UAVs. | ||
| That's why this kind of dissent doesn't happen in the States right now. | ||
| Because we have a military that's a police force that will roll out with armored vehicles and assault rifles. | ||
| We have new laws protecting the cunts just in case this shit goes down. | ||
| Where they legally can do a bunch of shit that they were never allowed to do just in case... | ||
| They can detain you. | ||
| They can pull you off the streets and detain you before anything ever happens because you might be a thought leader. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's really disturbing to me, all these celebrities and all these different people who are standing up for Obama and campaigning for Obama. | ||
| And even guys that I respect and intelligent people are saying, he's better than Mitt Romney. | ||
| What are you looking at? | ||
| I'm like, what are you looking at? | ||
| Are you paying attention to what this guy's doing to the Constitution? | ||
| They're cherry-picking a few moral issues, which is always what it boils down to, which is sad. | ||
| I happen to agree with the moral stance of Obama versus Romney a little bit more, but it doesn't fucking matter at the end of the day. | ||
| What aspect of his morals? | ||
| Things like civil unions. | ||
| Gay rights. | ||
| Yeah, like gay rights. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| Well, you know what that is. | ||
| That's a democratic talking point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You know, he is... | ||
| Because they won't talk about money in politics, which is the root of 90% of all the fucking issues we have right now. | ||
| Nobody's going to talk about it because it's lining their pockets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When it comes to something that's actually important, he is not standing up for us. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| The feds are going to raid the dispensaries here in L.A. despite saying that's not going to happen. | ||
| Well, they just did. | ||
| They just closed in on 71 of them yesterday. | ||
| Well, they sent notices to a bunch and they're suing, too. | ||
| They haven't started shattering glass yet, but believe me, that's two weeks away. | ||
| Yeah, the whole thing is really sick. | ||
| And this is supposed to be this awesome president's regime? | ||
| I mean, he's running things right now. | ||
| He's running things right now. | ||
| Well, he's running a campaign right now. | ||
| Let's be clear about that. | ||
| Well, they're not fucking doing it right. | ||
| They should be non-profit. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| You're telling me that the DEA has nothing better to do, for real, than go after pot companies? | ||
| That is one of the weakest ways to get a caller. | ||
| By the way, 700 dispensaries can't be opened and operated unless there's fucking demand for 700 dispensaries. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| There's a law that says you're allowed to have it here and to pretend that it's worse than anything else you've already got legal and it's a reason why you're going after it is crazy, Obama. | ||
| That's why I'm always against the medicinal marijuana argument because it ignores the recreational argument which is just as fucking valid as the medicinal one. | ||
| It certainly is, but the medicinal one, I think, while in a world of madness, there's a lot of people, not me, necessarily, I could get by without it. | ||
| The reasons that I use it for is not... | ||
| Nothing's terminal. | ||
| There's people with terminal illnesses. | ||
| There's people who... | ||
| Have cancer and marijuana is the only thing that gives them an appetite. | ||
| There's nothing else that works as good. | ||
| People that will have seizures if they do not smoke pot and yet someone is pulling the joint out of their hand and saying, no, no, no, you need to have a seizure because this needs to be illegal. | ||
| Well that's why whenever anybody talks about the human body and they're doing it from an ideological standpoint without any real medical training or even reading research, you're talking out of your ass. | ||
| Like when you got an asshole like Rush Limbaugh that's talking about some girl wanting to be a slut so she can get a birth control. | ||
| What that asshole doesn't understand is that some women get ovarian cysts if they don't take birth control. | ||
| They have medical issues. | ||
| There's a lot of them that women can use birth control with and it cleans them up. | ||
| Sorry, Joe. | ||
| He's just popped a handful of Oxycontin and chased it with alcohol so he can't hear you right now. | ||
| Because let's not forget he was chastising people who wanted to smoke pot while taking handfuls of pharmaceuticals. | ||
| Well, not only that, he was doing it illegally. | ||
| He was having his maid go out and buy his oxys for him. | ||
| They said, we researched it on Wikipedia, and it said that he was up to 30 a day, according to his mate. | ||
| Cited by Johnny Balls 17. He's the one who put that sentence in there. | ||
| And he is the most trusted source on the Wikipedia. | ||
| Cut to the Johnny Balls 17 Twitter account. | ||
| Johnny Ball 17. It was just opened. | ||
| There's a scramble for it right now. | ||
| I hope there is. | ||
| Yeah, it's insane. | ||
| And when I think about unemployment, and I think about, and I, this may transition into a TSA rant, and I apologize if it does, because it's still fresh in my head. | ||
| Yeah, well, we gotta talk about that anyway. | ||
| The biggest fucking government works program that's really going on right now are tax dollars going to create a system to create jobs to demean us and make us feel like criminals for wanting to take a flight. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| A program that is inefficient, ineffectual by thousands of, not thousands, that's hyperbole, by hundreds of sorted papers that is inefficient, ineffectual, that demeans us, that leads to lobbyists and government kickbacks for these corporations that make machines that scan us and take nude photos of us essentially. | ||
| Well, for the folks that do it, for the folks that do the TSA, it is a shit job. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You're dealing with people that don't want to be there. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You're dealing with people that don't want to comply. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And in their defense, look, there's that fucking classic Stanford study that we brought up over and over again of what happened when they just had college students have one person in charge. | ||
|
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You're the warden. | |
| The other person is, yeah. | ||
| You're the prisoner. | ||
| When you do that, people abuse people. | ||
| People are supposed to be equal, folks. | ||
| That's just the way it is. | ||
| There's not supposed to be cops. | ||
| Furthermore, isn't there a law against uniforms for people that aren't law enforcement officials having markings or patterns? | ||
| Then how do you work at Burger King? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Well, because you're not wearing a badge, and you're not wearing patches. | ||
| You are if you're the manager. | ||
| Do you have a sheriff, a tin sheriff badge? | ||
|
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I believe that Colonel Sanders gives out stripes. | |
| Doesn't Colonel Sanders? | ||
| I'm the sheriff of this grill. | ||
| Well, you should. | ||
| But they're not, by the way, they're not cops. | ||
| They are regular folks that are wearing tin badges and patches. | ||
| And I've met a lot of them. | ||
| But there's always cops there. | ||
| There's always a stand of cops waiting. | ||
| There's airport police, and they are police officers. | ||
| They're real. | ||
| And they come in when the shit actually gets real to mace you and frisk you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never had a problem at the TSA, ever, with people being rude to me. | ||
| I've never had that problem. | ||
| Do you go through the machines? | ||
| I go through the machines, and I'm friendly. | ||
| I opt out. | ||
| I'm friendly. | ||
| I'm friendly as shit, but I opt out. | ||
| Well, Brendan Walsh said that he had a problem with the same thing. | ||
| He opted out on the way to Toronto. | ||
| What I've heard is that there's radiation in those machines, they haven't really registered it yet, but if you really want to worry about radiation, you shouldn't be flying in the first place, because the flight itself is incredibly radioactive. | ||
| The radiation, to me, is a moot point. | ||
| Like, yeah, I don't think I deserve it. | ||
| You think it's a rights violation? | ||
| It's a rights violation, plus the RapidScan Corporation, which is one of the two big corporations that had the $70 million contracts to install these machines. | ||
| They were funding Chertoff, who was the ex-head of the Homeland Security Administration. | ||
| They've increased their lobbying by 50% or something since 2008 and 2010. That was the last study I read. | ||
| So, Lord knows how much money they're spending now to give kickbacks to people in power to do these no-bid contracts to put in these machines, which, by the way, Most security and defense experts tell you that they can't actually detect the plastic explosives that could blow up a 747. Like, they can't actually detect it. | ||
| Plus, there was a case in Florida, just not only, like, probably two years ago, where hundreds of thousands of the photos from people going through those machines, because it does store photos even though it doesn't display them, those photos were hacked. | ||
| And they said, we don't store these photos, they don't get taken, but they have a nude picture of you somewhere. | ||
| Lord knows how that's going to come back to haunt you. | ||
| So the radiation is, to me, a moot point. | ||
| I look good naked, dude. | ||
| I want to see it. | ||
| Release the hounds. | ||
| There's going to be TSA fetish porn. | ||
| There's absolutely going to be fetish porn. | ||
| TSA people, release the hounds. | ||
| It's just absurd to me that my tax dollars go towards buying these machines for these corrupt corporations to have them installed to make me feel like a criminal to snap a photo of me naked which don't make me any safer as I go onto a flight. | ||
| Do you think it doesn't make you any safer? | ||
| Don't you think that if people could take guns on planes they would? | ||
| If there was no metal detection you would have to deal with the same sort of instances of people being crazy in society on a plane as you would on the ground. | ||
| I think metal detectors are good. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I think the idea of checking your bags is good. | ||
| There's too many cunts. | ||
| There are certainly, there should be a standard of protection. | ||
| You know, a metal detector, if you want to scan the baggage, that's fine. | ||
| But I think we've drawn the line way too far. | ||
| And we've drawn it to a point now where, first of all, we've always been one step behind. | ||
| Let's not forget 9-11 happened with box cutters. | ||
| There was no explosives, there were no bombs, there were no guns. | ||
| Well, Kevin, that's the official story. | ||
|
unidentified
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But here at Infowars.com, We know it was a government inside job. | |
| Bin Laden determined to attack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've got the documents, ladies and gentlemen. | |
| There is no way you can take over a plane with a box cutter! | ||
| Look at this article by Johnny Ball 17. He has done the math. | ||
| It checks out. | ||
| If you go to infowars.com and buy gold, you'll be safe. | ||
| And a crank flashlight. | ||
| And a crank fleshlight. | ||
|
unidentified
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We need a crank fleshlight slash radio. | |
| Fuck your way to freedom. | ||
| Yeah, if you want to believe the official story, the most fantastical story. | ||
| By the way, those fleshlights need a rechargeable battery on them so they can heat up. | ||
| I should be able to press a button and have it get warm. | ||
| We don't use them anymore, so I don't give a fuck. | ||
| They could fall apart. | ||
| You don't talk about them anymore? | ||
| They're not our sponsor anymore. | ||
| Oh, that sucks. | ||
| Do you still fuck them, though? | ||
| No comment. | ||
|
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There's not one right behind. | |
| They were a good sponsor, but I think it got to a point where we probably saturated their market. | ||
| And quite honestly, we made more. | ||
| He has a flashlight behind his computer. | ||
| Yeah, we're always one step behind. | ||
| So here's what concerns me. | ||
| Is that now we're at a point where let's say they take away the rapid scan machines, right? | ||
| Or let's say they have them, but someone, flying spaghetti monster forbid, decides to blow up a school, or a footlocker in a mall, or a stadium, or a concert venue. | ||
| Those machines are going to be everywhere. | ||
| What do you think would happen if you went to the airport and you had like a radiation detector and you said, I would like to go through this machine and detect the amount of... | ||
|
unidentified
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They wouldn't let you. | |
| They wouldn't let you. | ||
| There's no way they would let you. | ||
| They'd probably arrest you, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is that machinery you're not allowed to have here? | ||
| That's some creepy police state shit right there. | ||
| In my incident in Austin, I was told I was not allowed to film it. | ||
| I was brought into a private screening room that had a giant placard above that says, this is a private screening room which I did not request. | ||
| I was taken in there. | ||
| My belongings were taken in there. | ||
| Without my request I even objected to it and they said, you have to go this way. | ||
| Did you have to? | ||
| Is that the law? | ||
| Yeah, at this point I didn't have time to fight it. | ||
| I had to catch a flight. | ||
| See, the thing is with the Patriot Act and shit like that, you don't know what the fuck is terrorism on paper these days. | ||
| They make it up as they go along, and then they have lawyers figure out how however they treated you is the legal way to treat you. | ||
| Sons of bitches. | ||
| Where you going, bitch? | ||
| They had the x-ray machine. | ||
| I gotta have you pull something up. | ||
| They have the x-ray machine in the Austin airport, and it's right next to one of those rapid-scan body scanning machines, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, God. | |
| And there is a long line for the rapid-scan machine. | ||
|
unidentified
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Of course. | |
| And that's when they say, oh, that line's getting long. | ||
| Come on through the x-rays. | ||
| So right away I'm like, you know what, if this is integral to my safety, you're now chucking my safety out the window for the convenience factor of cycling people through security. | ||
| Well, are they really saying that it's not safe? | ||
| I mean, is that really what they're saying? | ||
| The rapid scan thing or the x-ray thing is not safe? | ||
| I'm talking about if we need those body scanning machines because they can detect a whole bunch of stuff that a traditional x-ray can't. | ||
| That when it gets inconvenient because the line is too long, you're now throwing my safety out the window. | ||
| That seems inconsistent. | ||
| Seems wrong, right? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| But I'm in line to go through the x-ray, and then randomly, they do the, oh, you need to go through the rapid scan machine. | ||
| So I say, can't I just go through the x-ray? | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| Now they're angry with me because they even asked that. | ||
| So I opt out, as I normally do. | ||
| My belongings go through the machine. | ||
| Now I can't see them. | ||
| I say, hey, I can't see my laptop. | ||
| I can't see my phone. | ||
| I can't see any of that stuff. | ||
| It's over there. | ||
| Your belongings are fine. | ||
| How do I know that I can't see them? | ||
| They didn't give anybody to do it. | ||
| So I'm already on edge, right? | ||
| I always feel like whenever I take a fucking JetBlue flight, this is going to be my Occupy moment. | ||
| It's going to end with pepper spray to the face, and I'm going to get handcuffed, even though I'm as polite as can be, and I just want someone to watch my shit. | ||
| I get stuck in a glass box. | ||
| Where I'm next to a girl that couldn't have been more than six years old. | ||
| She has a handicap. | ||
| She's in a wheelchair and there was something mentally wrong with her. | ||
| She was stemming. | ||
| She was rocking. | ||
| She was pulling her hair and crying because there were three TSA agents trying to tell her to lift her arms so they can swab her clothes, swab her wheelchair, the back pad, the tires, the wheels, everything. | ||
| Her dad is there. | ||
| On the brink. | ||
| You can imagine how traumatic it is to try to bring somebody, a special needs child, through an airport in general. | ||
| But now they've been selected for special screening and he has to try to explain to his daughter who's having a fit, rightfully so, as strangers are groping her and, you know, swiping, swabbing her seat. | ||
| He's trying to calm her down. | ||
| Well, you know, by holding an iPad in her face and doing whatever he can to get her to relax. | ||
| Do I have to lift her out of the seat? | ||
| He asks. | ||
| Yes, you do. | ||
| He's trying to lift her up. | ||
| She's fighting it. | ||
| My heart is breaking for this guy. | ||
| The reason I'm sitting in this glass box is because after my pat down, they ran my little piece of cloth, or they ran the gloves and the piece of cloth that they swiped the bottom of my feet with through a machine. | ||
| By the way, machines which we spent more than $30 million on to install in airports. | ||
| And this machine said, I tested positive for nitrates. | ||
| I had that happen once. | ||
| Yeah, and I pulled up, uh, so what's a nitrate? | ||
| Well, sir, it's a, you know, that could be used, it's a chemical. | ||
| Okay, what does that mean? | ||
| Well, it's a chemical. | ||
| It'll be used in a lot of things. | ||
| It doesn't, it's not a bad thing. | ||
| It's not a bad thing. | ||
| Like, this isn't a problem. | ||
| And I go, no, it is a problem because I have a flight to catch and I want to know, like, why I'm being detained longer. | ||
| Well, you tested positive for nitrate, so we have to give you an even more thorough screening. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What else can test positive for nitrates? | ||
| Guy couldn't answer it. | ||
| Second person couldn't answer it. | ||
| Third person said... | ||
| Did they ask you if you had been to a farm? | ||
| No, they did not. | ||
| But the third guy finally said, well, the head of the security mob there said, well, if you've walked on grass that has fertilizer on it, then you might test positive for nitrates. | ||
| Even certain heart medications that seniors take can test positive for nitrates. | ||
| So I'm now stuck in a glass box, detached from my valuables, watching this poor girl... | ||
| Having a meltdown as these three people are, you know, going all over and I start to cry because it just, it breaks my heart that this is happening. | ||
| This poor guy is having to go through this and I, you know, I go to put my hand on his shoulder and tell him like, I'm sorry you have to go through this and he looks back and he's choked up. | ||
| I mean, he's been in there for a good 15 minutes trying to calm down his daughter. | ||
| So then I start questioning, why are you guys doing this? | ||
| And I'm being polite, I'm being calm, being everything you could possibly be while asking how much longer this is going to take because I have a flight to catch. | ||
| They grab my belongings and start walking them away. | ||
| And I go, excuse me, what are you doing? | ||
| You're coming here to this private screening room. | ||
| No, no, no, I don't want to be in a private screening room. | ||
| I want this enhanced pat-down to happen right here because I want my girlfriend to videotape it. | ||
| Well, no, no, no, sir. | ||
| You're going... | ||
| By this time, my belongings are in the frosted glass private screening room. | ||
| Now I'm in the private screening room with them, and there's a giant placard that says, this is a private security room. | ||
| There is no filming whatsoever. | ||
| If a TSA employee tells you to stop filming, you must see its filming immediately. | ||
| You do have the right to call in a witness to be there. | ||
| And I'm thinking, why can't the camera be my witness? | ||
| Because if I'm traveling alone, who else am I going to call? | ||
| Fucking Ghostbusters? | ||
| Am I going to bring TSA in here? | ||
| So I'm in a glass box with two dudes by myself. | ||
| He swabs me down with the gloves and then he says, I'll be right back. | ||
| I have to test this glove. | ||
| Goes, puts his hand on the handle of the door with the glove on it that he just wiped me down, opens it up and walks out on his merry way. | ||
| So I look to the other guy who's left in the room. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck was that? | ||
| And it was like the first time I had cursed. | ||
| And he goes, what do you mean? | ||
| I'm like, he just swabbed my body down with that glove, then grabbed the handle. | ||
| If someone in here earlier did have explosives on them, and he grabbed that handle with that glove, that's now on my test. | ||
| Why isn't he testing right here? | ||
| There's a machine in the room. | ||
| Oh, sir, that machine's calibration is off. | ||
| That's why it's here. | ||
| Have it in the room because the calibration's off? | ||
| Yeah, there's a tag on it that says it needs to be serviced. | ||
| Okay, so I'm waiting. | ||
| Five minutes go by. | ||
| I strike up conversation with the guy. | ||
| Hey, That little girl out there in the wheelchair that's having the fit, and I can still hear her having a poor meltdown out there. | ||
| Why are they out there? | ||
| Well, he tested positive for nitrates as well. | ||
| Oh, he did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why's the girl there? | ||
| Oh, she tested positive for nitrates. | ||
| Oh, so all three of us have tested positive for nitrates with the one machine that's out there. | ||
| You've got another one in here that needs servicing and recalibration, and you think there's nothing wrong with this situation. | ||
| Guy comes back, tells me I'm clear, I leave the room, and I see the father is still there, struggling with his daughter. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm again, like, moved to tears. | ||
| And I ask this guy, Tell me, as a human being, do you think this is right? | ||
| Do you think this treatment for this poor girl is right? | ||
| And he goes, sir, she tested positive for nitrates. | ||
| And I went, right, I get that. | ||
| But there are many other countries who deal with terrorism on a far greater level than we do, who have a far more swifter and more common sense approach to security that doesn't demean their citizenry, that doesn't cost them millions of taxpayer dollars. | ||
| Do you think that that's right? | ||
| That that girl's having a meltdown and you're swabbing her wheelchair? | ||
| Do you really think she's a terrorist? | ||
| I'm just asking you as a human being. | ||
| And there was a long pause and he sort of looked down and looked at his shoes and I thought, good, I'm finally going to have a moment, a real moment here as a human being. | ||
| He's going to take off that TSA helmet for a second. | ||
| And he looked up and looked me right in the eyes and said, she tested positive for nitrates. | ||
| And that's when I realized this is a lost cause. | ||
| This is a losing battle here. | ||
| You're dealing with a Burger King employee. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to do a joke about it that I think that the people who work at security and the people that work at Burger King are like the same people. | ||
| It's just they reach their hand into a bucket. | ||
| Who are you today? | ||
| Oh, I got fries. | ||
| Damn, I got bomb control. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I'm on foot swabbing or I'm on rubbing the belt line. | ||
| Well, I'm security today. | ||
| Excited. | ||
| I hate mopping that fucking floor. | ||
| I'm all for people having jobs, but we need repair infrastructure. | ||
| Run after-school programs. | ||
| Do something that benefits your community and society more than this. | ||
| Well, I see. | ||
| I think that we need security at airports. | ||
| We do. | ||
| Just because there's been so many instances in the past of people using airplanes, hijacking airplanes. | ||
| The reinforcing of the doors was the best thing that happened. | ||
| That was the one security measure that said, look, now as a society, no one will ever hijack a plane again. | ||
| If it's sourced in America, if it's flown out of here, everybody in that cabin will fight and die to make sure that plane doesn't get hijacked. | ||
| And air marshals, too. | ||
| I think air marshals are important, too. | ||
| I think it's good to have a guy up there who's an actual bad motherfucker who knows how to take care of shit if some wacky motherfucker tries to blow his shoes up. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| And some people even make the argument, by the way, that guns on planes would have stopped some of 9-11. | ||
| That if someone actually had a gun on that flight, you know, and the risk of a bullet going through and the sudden loss of cabin pressure is overrated, I don't know that I subscribe to that, but I could see how that's a valid argument. | ||
| I could see how someone could make that. | ||
| We do need security, but the leaps and bounds that we've gone to are inefficient. | ||
| They don't work. | ||
| It's costing us millions and millions of dollars. | ||
| The companies suck and they're dealing with gigantic numbers of employees because they have these setups at every goddamn airport in every goddamn city all over this country. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking airports. | ||
| So there's no way they're really paying attention and monitoring it on a really intense level. | ||
| And looking at it, like, how can we make this a better experience for the people? | ||
| Except for, like, those things where you go and you put your name in and you get scanned and then you go through pre, like TSA pre. | ||
| Right, like the blue or the clear programs and stuff. | ||
| But that I have another issue with, though, because sometimes you have to pay more. | ||
| So now they're creating another tiered society where the haves don't have the inconveniences. | ||
| Don't hate on the 1%, dude. | ||
| Just because they want to get through the airport, I'm one of the guys that can afford the premium tickets so I get through the TSA. I'm blessed. | ||
| I live a good life. | ||
| I see what you have. | ||
|
unidentified
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Listen. | |
| Listen, motherfucker. | ||
| I'm blessed. | ||
| Did you show me the keys to your car? | ||
| Sure did. | ||
| Yeah, the keys to the Kingdoms, baby. | ||
| The A7. I love it. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| Nice car. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You want a spaceship. | ||
| That's a spaceship. | ||
| And the technology in it, it's pretty close to a car that drives itself. | ||
| I don't touch the gas pedal anymore. | ||
| Yeah, this is the Audi A7. Which they passed today, by the way. | ||
| Self-driving cars. | ||
| Self-driving cars passed today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do it. | |
| Awesome. | ||
| Go back to old cars. | ||
| Mine has the adaptive cruise where you press the button, it'll automatically stay. | ||
| It'll match pace with the car in front of it. | ||
| So I don't really... | ||
| Even on surface streets, like city streets, I don't really touch a gas pedal. | ||
| I get it up to speed, hit a button, and I kind of... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's easier to send tweets that way. | ||
| Oh, you silly bitch. | ||
| But there has been a time or two where I'm just kind of zoning out. | ||
| I'm not using my phone, but I am like, oh, the car's driving itself. | ||
| And all of a sudden... | ||
| Bling! | ||
| And it has the heads-up display, so it puts my miles per hour and my turn-by-turn on the windshield. | ||
| You're seeing it out through there. | ||
| It turns bright red, and it's like warning collision. | ||
| So I have to slam on the brakes, and I'm like, fucking R2-D2 fell asleep at my wheel. | ||
| Fucking short circuit was not paying attention. | ||
| I almost slammed into the car in front of me. | ||
| Did someone just get in front of you really quick? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, we were just casually going. | ||
| I mean, it's much safer to use those systems on a highway where there might not be so much start and stop. | ||
| Oh, so it hiccups? | ||
| Sometimes it's a little lax. | ||
| I'm sure it's busy processing my Bluetooth audio and goes, oh shit, you're driving! | ||
| It has to switch over to that. | ||
| My favorite car that I have is my Porsche because it's the race car. | ||
| The GT3, because it doesn't have anything in it. | ||
| It has navigation, but the navigation sucks. | ||
| Does it have seats in the back? | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| No seats in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| It has nothing. | ||
| And not only that, it doesn't do anything. | ||
| There's no heads-up display. | ||
| It's just mechanical. | ||
| It's just machine, and you shift the gears yourself. | ||
| You don't allow the thing to stop and break. | ||
| It's the exact opposite. | ||
| But that does get tiring for a lot of people, especially if you work all day. | ||
| Dude, I've got to browse Reddit. | ||
| I don't have time to shift gears. | ||
| I've got to catch up on my news. | ||
| You're joking around about that, but you really shouldn't. | ||
| No one should do it. | ||
| And no one should live out rape fantasies either. | ||
| Some girls like that, though. | ||
| I don't think anybody likes running over somebody because they were tweeting. | ||
| While driving. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eventually, it's going to be really smooth where you're going to be able to accomplish that stuff as you're driving. | ||
| But I don't even trust people to even... | ||
| Well, the law just passed for self-driving cars. | ||
| How do you feel about that? | ||
| In California, they're street legal now. | ||
| It's been effective. | ||
| They've been using it, and Google's been using it for quite a while. | ||
| You could find it online. | ||
| The only known collision, or at least six months ago when I was reading about it, the only known collision in one of those Google self-driving cars was when the operator took it out of self-drive mode and was manually driving it. | ||
| But they still had to document it because it was a collision with the car. | ||
| Well, I think that I enjoy driving. | ||
| I enjoy the experience of shifting my own gears. | ||
| When you have a fun car, like the GT3, driving becomes like a ride. | ||
| I take a ride home. | ||
| Right, but not when you have a commute. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not fun. | ||
| Like shifting gears when you're stopped on the 405 and holding in a clutch, that's shitty. | ||
| And so to let my car drive and then maybe free me up to do an extra hour of productive work or focus on my book on tape, my audible.com slash Joe download to focus on that, that makes sense to me. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| But you know what doesn't make sense? | ||
| That kind of traffic. | ||
| You see, we've got to figure out a way to not... | ||
| That's not going to disappear anytime soon. | ||
| I am going to disappear. | ||
| I'm not going to live like this my whole life. | ||
| I tried escaping once. | ||
| I'm going to try again. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm thinking maybe Santa Barbara. | ||
| I might try Santa Barbara for a while because it's only like an hour away. | ||
| You're going to live in the zoo? | ||
| You're going to have them build you a... | ||
| You should have them build you a little cabin in a tiger cage. | ||
| That shit bums me out. | ||
| We might be living in a fucking zoo. | ||
| How about that, pal? | ||
| How about this whole planet might be a zoo? | ||
| Look at this robot guy with his Google glasses. | ||
| Oh my god, I can't wait! | ||
| I can't wait! | ||
| Did you check out Black Mirror, by the way? | ||
| Did you guys look at that shit? | ||
| Did you watch that? | ||
| No. | ||
| So many things to watch, man. | ||
| But I did see the little Wayne deposition. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| The one that's been making the... | ||
| Have you seen it, Brian? | ||
| You've got to pull it up. | ||
| Because I just became a Lil Wayne fan. | ||
| Oh, me too. | ||
| I was not a Lil Wayne fan up until this. | ||
| I love that dude now. | ||
| It was that Chappelle skit of I Plead the Fifth. | ||
| Yeah, I'm thinking of getting a Lil Wayne tattoo. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's how badass this dude is. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He's suing these people because they made a documentary about him, and apparently it has a lot of false information, according to Mr. Wayne. | ||
| And so they asked him a bunch of stupid questions at this deposition, but the way he answered it was beautiful. | ||
| It was hilarious, man. | ||
| And I love the veiled threat, which many have debated whether or not it's a threat. | ||
| Don't even say it. | ||
| Oh, don't even say it. | ||
| Wait, don't spoil it? | ||
| We're going to play it, yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It happened just a couple of days ago. | ||
| It's pretty great. | ||
| And it's hard to get without the WorldStarHipHop. | ||
| That is my new homepage, man. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| The watermark? | ||
| Watermark, yeah. | ||
| I love me some WorldStarHipHop. | ||
| Yeah, that's my problem. | ||
| If you go to my computer and you type in W in the browser, it just goes WorldStarHipHop.com. | ||
| He knows I want to see some fucked up fight footage. | ||
| Are you going to watch that Kanye sex tape when it leaks on that site? | ||
| Is there a Kanye West? | ||
| There's two of them. | ||
| Two of them? | ||
| Kanye West has sex tapes? | ||
| Yeezy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and there's a rumor that one of them is with the Kardashian, but apparently it's a lookalike girl. | ||
| They have a video of her for some booty shaking contest, which I love that that is a competitive sport. | ||
| Is he doing this on purpose, releasing these? | ||
| He's apparently offered millions of dollars to stop the release, so I don't know. | ||
| I doubt. | ||
| At his level at this point, why would he need to do that? | ||
| So the girls are releasing it? | ||
| No, I think they were stolen off of his computer. | ||
| Stolen off of his computer. | ||
| Stolen, which who knows if someone physically stole them or hacked in or whatever, but that's what I read. | ||
| Is this it? | ||
| Oh, Animal Practice! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's watch Animal Practice. | |
| Tonight with Bobby Lee. | ||
| How would you describe your image in the media? | ||
| How would I describe my image in the media? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I wouldn't describe it. | ||
| Well, how would you describe it if you had to? | ||
| I don't have to. | ||
| Well, what image are you portraying in the media? | ||
| I don't portray anything. | ||
| I am who I am. | ||
| And you guys portray what you get. | ||
| Well, who are you? | ||
| Who is the real... | ||
| I am Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. Okay. | ||
| Do you, uh... | ||
| Like to portray yourself as... | ||
| I just answered that and said that I don't like to portray myself as nobody. | ||
| I completely beat Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. I don't portray myself as anything. | ||
| An image is self-described. | ||
| Well, you have to wait until I'm done with the question. | ||
| I don't have to wait until anything, honestly. | ||
| I mean, this guy right here may tell me that I have to wait, but personally, I don't have to do nothing. | ||
| Go ahead, ask the question. | ||
| Thank you, Your Honor. | ||
| Do you like to... | ||
| No, he can't save you, right? | ||
| In the real world. | ||
| That guy right there. | ||
| He can't save you in the real world. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I don't have to elaborate. | ||
| Can I ask your next question, please, Mr. Ross? | ||
| Is that a threat against us? | ||
| Mr. Ross, can you just ask your next question, please? | ||
| He can't save you. | ||
| And what does that mean? | ||
| I was talking to myself. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He can't save you in the real world. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love it. | |
| He's a beautiful human being. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| What a great fuck you to that lawyer. | ||
| That was beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because that guy was talking to him in that weird formal speak that you have to do if you give a deposition. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's not human. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's almost like removing a lot of context. | ||
| It's like they speak like text messages. | ||
| There's no emotion, there's no context. | ||
| It's a legal document flowing out of someone's mouth because he's writing the question. | ||
| He's transcribing it as he goes. | ||
| It needs to sound legally correct. | ||
| Well, I thought it was brilliant that he was trying to get Little Wayne to define himself. | ||
| And what a bullshit question. | ||
| How would you describe the media's portrayal? | ||
| I wouldn't. | ||
| I wouldn't. | ||
| And it also depends what site. | ||
| Depends what outlet. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| How would you describe the media's portrayal of you, Joe? | ||
| Fear Factor guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You think that's still the case? | ||
| The UFC guy, maybe? | ||
| Maybe the UFC guy. | ||
| Meathead? | ||
| Little midget meathead? | ||
| But doesn't it depend on what outlet? | ||
| Yeah, well, it depends on whether they like you or they don't like you. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Sure, for sure. | ||
| It depends on whether or not they have a motivation. | ||
| I think it's pretty clear at this point that what you're getting on the news is not... | ||
| Just the information of all the things that's happening all over the world. | ||
| They have an agenda. | ||
| And if their agenda is to mock you, if you're a celebrity who they love, they might talk about you in glowing terms. | ||
| Or if you're a celebrity who... | ||
| Even if you get arrested because you slammed your SUV into a pole while doing rails of cocaine, it's like... | ||
| No, no, they wouldn't then. | ||
| Then they always talk down on you. | ||
| It depends on the celebrity. | ||
| You could be a person like Jennifer Lopez is getting married, and that's a piece of news. | ||
| Or you could be like Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again. | ||
| I think it does depend on the celebrity. | ||
| Mel Gibson had another oopsie today on the side of the road. | ||
| No, they hate that guy. | ||
| That guy's done. | ||
| But there are some celebrities that they treat with kid gloves because they're worried they won't sit down for the next junket to promote their movie. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| I don't think anymore, man. | ||
| I really don't think too many people get... | ||
| I feel like I've worked in it too much to know what people will say and won't say because they're afraid they'll lose access. | ||
| I feel like when you get a certain level of fucked-up-edness, though, drunk driving, things along those lines... | ||
| Yes, if you drown kittens in a barrel, all bets are off. | ||
| But there are some... | ||
| They'll forgive some celebrities, and they'll forgive some personalities if they feel like later on it might benefit them or if they're worried. | ||
| Certainly, if they're trying to get more interviews, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, they're worried about pulling the thing. | ||
| Like, Apple is one of those companies that blogs are afraid to write about, and it's a bit of a tangent, but they're afraid to write about them in certain negative ways because they're worried they won't be allowed into their conference or get an early review unit. | ||
| Right, that has happened. | ||
| Yeah, they pulled all the plugs for Gizmodo once Gizmodo leaked that iPhone stuff, once they got the guy's iPhone from the bar. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| They said, fuck you, Gizmodo will never get a thing again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Still? | |
| To this day, they still don't even get in there? | ||
| They're not going to forgive those grudges. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How rude, Apple. | ||
| Steve Jobs is dead. | ||
| Can't we all just get along? | ||
| You fucks. | ||
| You getting the five? | ||
| What's this Black Mirror? | ||
| Yeah, I am now. | ||
| Dude, I plugged Black Mirror violently on this last podcast, and everybody was like, thank you so much for introducing me to this. | ||
| This is just one of the episodes here. | ||
| It's a Channel 4 miniseries. | ||
| I don't need to belabor it because I did it last time. | ||
| And what's it about again? | ||
| It's about near future societal issues that will come about because of the rapid changing pace of technology. | ||
| That is the seed that sprouts I find it interesting that we're talking about it as like problems in the future. | ||
| It's really not problems. | ||
| We're the problem. | ||
| The reality is the assimilation is... | ||
| Well, I said the societal issues because, like, we were talking about Google Glasses, right? | ||
| When you have the ability to life vlog, when the device is light enough, powerful enough, cheap enough, and easy enough to, I record 24 hours here, whatever I see, and I can play it back like that, that's what one of the issues, or one of the episodes is about. | ||
| So you watch a couple try to navigate a relationship where every moment is fucking recorded. | ||
| So he's like, I want to see what happened June 12th when you were with that guy at 3 p.m. | ||
| Show me that moment. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| You know, she's frantically trying to delete it. | ||
| Hey, when we had that argument two hours ago, you said this and it really upset me. | ||
| I didn't say it like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Pull that moment up and look at it. | ||
| That's an issue that will happen. | ||
| There's a commercial that they were running really recently about a dash cam. | ||
| They sell dash cams now so the guy pulls over someone and it's like this is a reenactment of an actual accident in New York City and the woman goes this guy hit me and the guy goes up to the cop and says would you like me to tell you what happened or show you what happened and the cops what do you mean he goes I have a dashboard camera and it shows him the camera and clearly shows the woman hitting him right so he goes ma'am let me just tell you that lying to an officer is you know a crime Do you want to go to jail? | ||
| Tell me the truth. | ||
| And she goes, okay, I hit him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you search for Russian dash cam or Russian insurance fraud dash cam. | ||
| Okay, but hold on. | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| What? | ||
| Because it seems like the guy's protected from accidents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That seems good. | |
| That seems good. | ||
| And maybe like a cop beating your ass. | ||
| That's another possibility. | ||
| Some cop who's having a hard day decides to kick your ass because he thinks no one's watching. | ||
| I certainly didn't mean to imply that technology will only lead to negative societal consequences. | ||
| This miniseries just happens to explore them in that way. | ||
| Just the negative ones. | ||
| Yeah, it does it in a beautiful, poetic way. | ||
| With that said, you know this, I'm a proponent of the point of singularity. | ||
| Of the Borg. | ||
| I want transcendentalism. | ||
| Like, put as much plastic, put PC parts in me. | ||
| Of course, you're already not driving your fucking car. | ||
| Exactly, let's go. | ||
| Put it in me. | ||
| I wanted to get RFID chip back when RFID first came out so I could have all my credit cards, my remote entry, and my badges to my work. | ||
| I wanted them all to be put in there so I could just swipe my hand. | ||
| You know, that was one thing that the... | ||
| What are you watching, Brian? | ||
| Is this an accident? | ||
| Yeah, I think what happened is this lady backs into a cop and what I'm guessing is that she's going to say something like, you ran into the back of me. | ||
| Well, there are great videos of people in China and Russia running at cars that are parked in the streets and then leaping onto the hoods and rolling off and then getting up and going, oh, my back! | ||
| But they're literally charging the cars. | ||
| What were you just saying before Brian showed this video? | ||
| Talking about transhumanism, about the RFID chip where you swipe and have it put in your hand. | ||
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| Mythbusters said that that was the one episode that they were not allowed to air. | ||
| They couldn't do an episode on the RFID chips. | ||
| They were told by their network that that was a subject of interest they could not explore. | ||
| You know what happened with those guys? | ||
| I don't know if you heard the story, but they were going to do it, and the guys behind the RFID tech and chip makers said, Yeah, we just want to get on the phone with you to discuss the technology and discuss the show before we help you out or whatever. | ||
| And so they hopped on the line, and on the other side of the line was like 40 lawyers from credit card companies, from security firms, saying you cannot do this episode. | ||
| You cannot talk about RFID. | ||
| It is the most unsecure fucking system in the world. | ||
| Absolutely unsecure. | ||
| You can build cheap Pringles can readers for them, pull the data right off of them, you can hack them, you can clone them. | ||
| There's good videos of the... | ||
| Okay, well, why don't you explain to everybody who doesn't know, what the fuck does RFID mean? | ||
| It's remote, I believe it's remote frequency identification. | ||
| It's basically, think of a chip the size of a grain of rice, or sometimes they're like flat. | ||
| They're very, very low to no power devices that can be passively read. | ||
| So if you have a beacon, a reader, they... | ||
| So they can put it in your phone, they can put it in your clothes. | ||
| Phone, clothes, they use it like security systems in malls. | ||
| When you walk through a reader, that's because a lot of them are RFID based. | ||
| It has pinged the product and that sent it off and said, "Okay, this is a security barrier being reached." Those little credit cards, when you tap them to readers, a lot of that is RFID. | ||
| Some of it is near field communication, which is a slightly different standard that's coming about now, but there's a lot of RFID. | ||
| Swiping for security in buildings, that all exists. | ||
| It's been hacked to high heaven. | ||
| You can buy RFID readers. | ||
| You can read all the information. | ||
| You can hack it. | ||
| Passports that have RFID in them now. | ||
| They're very unsafe. | ||
| People can pull out your info. | ||
| They can clone it. | ||
| They can copy it. | ||
| I'm not entirely sure. | ||
| There's great videos of BMWs now being hacked. | ||
| They sell blank keys that you can code the wireless key start on them. | ||
| And there's a pretty easy process to just pop it into the car. | ||
| And have it write the new key code to it, like a dealer kind of thing. | ||
| And you can start the cars and drive off. | ||
| Now, they fixed it since, and it's not just a BMW thing, but these guys can be read and hacked. | ||
| And that's why they don't want the Mythbusters to talk about it, because we're now building foundations, and we're building institutions in our daily lives that are built on faulty security premises. | ||
| Like, we're all becoming very comfortable with near-field communication and tapping things and whatever, and yet they're completely hackable and easily cloned and easily broken. | ||
| Is it something that can be fixed in the future and they don't want to alert people before they develop a fix for it? | ||
| Well, look, if they've invested millions of dollars in creating new systems and transitioning their key cards and passports to this technology, the last thing they want is a security concern. | ||
| But this is an age-old problem. | ||
| Security is always an issue. | ||
| It's built by a human being. | ||
| It'll be broken by a human being. | ||
| So there's no really fixing it. | ||
| You can make it stronger. | ||
| You can make it smarter. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| There's no real fixing it. | ||
| So the future of the world when it comes to technology and it is dependent upon our cooperation because at some point in time We're going to all have access to anything. | ||
| Essentially, we're going to all be readable. | ||
| Everywhere we go. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| We're heading that way right now. | ||
| It's almost like it's setting itself up so that no one can ever really truly be in control. | ||
| And that it does have to be sort of a group decision at the very top. | ||
| Because at a certain point in time, like right now, who's tracking us? | ||
| In what regard? | ||
| What I'm saying is, right now, if you're looking at technology, right now, the government's tracking us. | ||
| They have GPS in your phone. | ||
| So is Facebook and Apple. | ||
| There's GPS in your phone. | ||
| The GPS in your phone knows exactly where your location is. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, I'm going to know where your location is, too. | ||
| It's not going to just be the government. | ||
| It's going to be anybody who wants to know. | ||
| It's going to get to the point where everything is going to be accessible. | ||
| Well, we'll accept that for convenience. | ||
| There are apps now that allow me to find my friends, or there's an app where I can send you a temporary GPS tracking token for my phone. | ||
| So if we're all trying to meet up at a restaurant or an amusement park, you don't have to text me and say, dude, where are you? | ||
| You can pull me up on a map and see that I'm five minutes away, and it'll give you what street I'm on. | ||
| So we'll accept some of that in the name of convenience. | ||
| And fun. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| At Coachella, oh, hey, look, we're all little dots running around. | ||
| Let's play a Pac-Man game. | ||
| That's pretty dope, actually. | ||
| Yeah, no, that will be cool, and we'll accept that to an extent, but then we will also have privacy controls, which A, will likely be able to be hacked, and B, the government will not, they'll ignore those. | ||
| The government, man! | ||
| They fucking will, though. | ||
| Did you see that Apple has a trademark or a patent on a technology that allows the government to disable the recording of a phone? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It allows people to shut off the phone's video capabilities remotely so that you can't videotape protests. | ||
| Or they don't specifically say protest. | ||
| That's the best reason for it. | ||
| Why else would you want it? | ||
| It's for your security is what they say. | ||
| For your security. | ||
| Why would it ever be in your best interest to not be able to videotape something? | ||
| We need a new digital bill of rights that says that if... | ||
| By the way, let me just say for the record that the reason for developing this technology is that Apple is involved in many patent lawsuits and all... | ||
| And so when it comes to the ability to record bands, you're getting to a point where the new phone has 8 megapixels, the fucking video's fantastic. | ||
| You can almost get something that you could put out and it would be a really good version of it. | ||
| And the problem with that is you could record people and then put their shit online. | ||
| So they want to be able to have a concert and say, well, you can't record this concert. | ||
| Especially for stand-up comedians, it becomes a real problem when you go to a town and everybody knows your shit. | ||
| So, that's Apple's idea, is that they would set it up so that if there was a concert, you couldn't record the concert, they would shut off. | ||
| But A, I still think that's a huge security concern. | ||
| I mean, that could be a wild security concern as well. | ||
| Well, it's an awesome move for fucking Samsung. | ||
| Because everybody's just going to want to go Android. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| They'll be like, fuck this. | ||
| Or they'll build the feature into their phones and then have to pay Apple millions of dollars once they sue. | ||
| Right. | ||
| One of the two will happen there. | ||
| How does that work now? | ||
| There's a great app. | ||
| The name is escaping me, but it actually stitches together multiple recordings based off of visual cues and audio waveforms and time codes. | ||
| So if you're at a concert, if you're at a Coachella, and there's 40 people in the crowd that are filming it with their iPhones, they can all upload their video, and it will stitch those angles together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| As best as it can so you can kind of jump around. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| That's getting awesome. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucking cool. | ||
| Dude, that's a mind-fucking-aff, isn't it? | ||
| But you won't be using it and streaming it live thanks to Verizon's data caps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aww. | |
| What is Verizon's data caps now? | ||
| Any company that's selling limited data plans right now is stifling innovation and fucking consumers over and fucking over entire industries. | ||
| Who doesn't have limited? | ||
| Sprint's the only one, but they barely have a network. | ||
| They have a decent network. | ||
| I've been using it, dude, for Tang, and it's good. | ||
| It's a shadow of what AT&T and Verizon provide. | ||
| As far as 4G, maybe. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| But not as far as coverage. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's fine for coverage. | ||
| But the problem is that now we're training customers and consumers to second-guess their decisions when it comes to data. | ||
| Like, could you imagine on your home computer second-guessing downloading World of Warcraft? | ||
| Well, you might because you don't play it. | ||
| But downloading a movie, streaming Netflix, any of those things. | ||
| Because you're worried about the money. | ||
| You're worried about the data cap. | ||
| We're going back, we're regressing from unlimited back to the days of you got 90 free hours or 4 free megs on Prodigy. | ||
| So it used to be unlimited and then with the iPhone it really kind of clogged up the network, right? | ||
| That was the big concern with AT&T. With smartphones in general, that signaled the shift from being a traditional voice device to now I rarely make calls on my phone. | ||
| I'm sending texts, I'm streaming videos, I'm tweeting, I'm on Reddit, Facebook. | ||
| We never talk on the phone. | ||
| Text each other. | ||
| Yeah, and we Skype because it's easier to see you. | ||
| I feel like you're so close to me. | ||
| You can cuddle me through the internet. | ||
| But to that point, I did like two Skype sessions on the road with a Verizon little 4G hotspot, a little jetpack, and I used up 3.9 gigs in just like an hour of video chat. | ||
| And so now I was afraid to check emails and do work. | ||
| And I'm like, this is bad for an entire industry. | ||
| This will stifle innovation because the Instagram of video might not get created. | ||
| If it takes up too much bandwidth. | ||
| Well, why is cellular so much more expensive than, say, broadband? | ||
| Because they can. | ||
| Is that all it is? | ||
| Because they can. | ||
| They would say it's because it's more expensive to launch the satellites and the bandwidth itself is crazy expensive. | ||
| I mean, you can throttle during peak usage, but there's no reason to limit how much data I can suck down at 3 a.m. | ||
| Your network is not that congested. | ||
| The air is there. | ||
| Is it more expensive for them if people use more? | ||
| Well, it's more taxing on their system and their infrastructure. | ||
| That's what I was going to ask you. | ||
| Or is it that their system can't handle it? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I mean, at some point, yes, it gets to that. | ||
| So that's a way of limiting it, by getting people to pay more? | ||
| Right, but the price of... | ||
| I mean, there's been studies that show that what you pay now for bandwidth, even though it is more expensive and it's faster, what you pay now for bandwidth is exponentially higher than what you used to pay. | ||
| And bandwidth should be getting cheaper. | ||
| And the problem that I had, like I went in to get a jetpack from Verizon, and A, you have to pay to be a new customer, right? | ||
| Just to put you in a system. | ||
| You have to pay for the SIM card, essentially, that they're going to pop into your device, that you're going to tether to the account. | ||
| You have to pay for the device itself, sign up for a contract. | ||
| Then, with their data plans, you have to pay for the data, you have to buy the bandwidth, the four gigs a month, and you have to pay extra to tether to the device that you just bought, that you're under contract for. | ||
| You have to pay to tether that to the data. | ||
| Like, I don't mean to get on the nerdiest soapbox in the fucking world, but that is bullshit. | ||
| That's like going into a restaurant, paying to go into the door, paying to sit down for your table, ordering water. | ||
| You have to pay for the water, pay for the cup that it's going to go into, and then when you go to drink the water, they're like, no, no, no, no, you have to tether a straw to that water. | ||
| I know you just bought that one, you're paying monthly, you're paying out the ass for it, even though it's just coming from a garden hose, but you gotta pay to tether a straw to sip that water. | ||
| It's fucking highway robbery. | ||
| Is that gonna get better? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| How can you fix that? | ||
| You'd have to have more companies get involved, right? | ||
| There's got to be collusion going on because once Verizon announces we're going to do this type of a data plan, AT&T follows suit. | ||
| Sooner or later, Sprint will, once their network gets more popular and the devices get sold there. | ||
| Verizon can't, you can't use data and calls at the same time, even under 4G, under the new phone. | ||
| On the new iPhone, you can't. | ||
| I think you can on LTE, can you not? | ||
| You can on LTE. Because it reverts to the 3G network. | ||
| You can on every single phone except the iPhone. | ||
| On Verizon's network. | ||
| You can or can't? | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| You can't do it on the iPhone, but you can do that on every single phone except the iPhone. | ||
| So if you buy the Galaxy S3, you can do it. | ||
| I love the Galaxy. | ||
| I hate those commercials. | ||
| No better way to make me not give a shit about your product than by spending three minutes of airtime telling me that I'm a douchebag. | ||
| Why are you watching commercials? | ||
| I don't watch commercials. | ||
| Well, they happen before web videos now, and sometimes they're hard to skip. | ||
| I just fucking close my eyes and hit mute. | ||
| What do you think about the Samsung Note? | ||
| You can't get me, bitch. | ||
| Have you played with the Note? | ||
| I haven't really thought about the Note much. | ||
| I'm not a tablet kind of guy. | ||
| The Galaxy Note phone that's sort of a half tablet. | ||
| Oh, that one. | ||
| We reviewed it on Attack when I was still there. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| Holding a giant tablet to your head? | ||
| I have big hands. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It looks like a Bluetooth headset on you. | ||
| It does not on me. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's not on me. | ||
| I need it in my life. | ||
| You haven't seen those commercials though where they show people waiting in line for the iPhone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, I have. | |
| It makes them look like assholes talking about the incremental features. | ||
| I'm like, listen, spend your 30 seconds telling me why your phone is better, which they barely do in the commercial. | ||
| They just spend time trying to make me feel like an asshole because I use an iPhone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not opposed to your advice. | ||
| It's a good tactic. | ||
| It's a political tactic. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| It's a terrible tactic. | ||
| It's like Mitt Romney's doing. | ||
| Because if you want to tap into a guy like me. | ||
| Making fun of Obama. | ||
| Sell his product. | ||
| He's selling Mitt Romney by making fun of Obama. | ||
| I mean, that's what he's doing. | ||
| He's doing a great job of selling it, too. | ||
| He's doing a great job. | ||
| He knows he has to get just the 53% of the country that pays tacos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those are his people. | ||
| Fuck the freeloaders. | ||
| Don't care about them. | ||
| It's everybody else. | ||
| Anybody who doesn't pay income tax, he doesn't give a fuck about. | ||
| That was one of the biggest gaffes in political history. | ||
| That wasn't a gaffe, though. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Well, it is a gaffe because you don't think George Bush Sr., George Bush W., you don't think those guys think the exact same way. | ||
| Well, that's what I mean. | ||
| Yeah, it was a gaffe in the sense that it got out and he said it, but that's what they really think. | ||
| Of course, he's a businessman. | ||
| Of course that's what they think. | ||
| There's never been a businessman that looked out for people. | ||
| You think about a guy like, and he's a ruthless businessman. | ||
| When you get to be... | ||
| The Bain Capital of the world? | ||
| You get hundreds of millions of dollars of profit, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| You don't do it by doing what's best for people. | ||
| You do it by doing what's best for your company. | ||
| You do it by maximizing ones and zeros. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And you do it at the expense of humanity. | ||
| It's a creepy idea that a businessman... | ||
| There's no soul on the spreadsheet. | ||
| You're a one and a zero. | ||
| You're a bottom line to a businessman. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| This smacks of racism. | ||
| I am not an Obama fan. | ||
| I do not like what he's done as far as civil liberties go. | ||
| I think as a human being, he seems like a great guy. | ||
| I don't understand why he's such a shit president. | ||
| Because as a human being, I see the way he interacts with people. | ||
| He seems like a genuine fun guy. | ||
| You hear stories of him in college. | ||
| He smoked a lot of weed. | ||
| But it's super, super disappointing to me. | ||
| There's a big difference between him and Mitt Romney. | ||
| Mitt Romney is a creepy-ass businessman and the idea that this guy being a businessman would somehow or another be better for this country I don't believe you think that. | ||
| I think you're racist. | ||
| That's what I think it is. | ||
| I think there's a lot of people that just want to believe that Mitt Romney would do a better job because he's a businessman and he would get things done. | ||
| Obama's for the redistribution of wealth. | ||
| But then you press them about it. | ||
| They really don't even know what the fuck that means. | ||
| 90% of the people that talk about Obama being for the redistribution of wealth They don't even understand what the real concern amongst these socialist ideas are. | ||
| Most of what he's saying is really not a redistribution of wealth in the classical sense. | ||
| It's not like trying to steal money from people and Robin Hood the motherfucker. | ||
| But you talk to a guy like Mitt Romney and he will put ones and zeros ahead of people for fucking sure. | ||
| And he will think that if rich people get richer, they will make more jobs for the poor people and the poor people will be okay. | ||
| And he will cut away funding and he will ultimately do things that are not good for people that are struggling. | ||
| That's what I believe. | ||
| When you talk about his tax policies and you find out that middle class people will actually have to pay more money. | ||
| Taxes are going up on him. | ||
| An average $2,000 more per year. | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| For a guy who paid 14%. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible that people would say that this guy seems like he'd be a good choice. | ||
| I say even for what he's saying he would do, I don't believe that he's going to do anything he says he'll do. | ||
| Because Obama didn't do anything he said he would do. | ||
| He didn't close down Guantanamo Bay. | ||
| He didn't stop fucking with the medical pot shops. | ||
| He didn't do anything he said he was going to do. | ||
| He didn't pull out of Iraq until years after. | ||
| We're still there, by the way. | ||
| We never really pull out. | ||
| We have a fucking enormous base there, filled with soldiers. | ||
| There's no pulling out. | ||
| There's no pulling out anywhere. | ||
| We have bases in a hundred countries plus. | ||
| But just what Mitt Romney says he would do, I'm like, you really want that? | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| Fuck you, you don't want that. | ||
| You just want a white guy. | ||
| I've talked to people, and I'm like, listening to the things they're saying, and they don't even really know what the fuck Mitt Romney stands for. | ||
| They don't know what he's done. | ||
| And I think that is true. | ||
| I don't necessarily know that their decision, though, is rooted in racism. | ||
| I think it's just kind of rooted in a general ignorance about what he's really done. | ||
| There's that, but there's also this wanting... | ||
| Certainly there's a swath of racists out there. | ||
| Look, he's a Mormon. | ||
| I can't say that enough. | ||
| That's a silly thing to be. | ||
| I have friends who are Mormons. | ||
| That hasn't really come up in a way that I thought it would. | ||
| Well, you can't. | ||
| You can't really bring it up because there's a lot of people in this country that are religious. | ||
| And if you start making fun of religion, you're going to lose a big giant chunk of them. | ||
| No one is saying, ladies and gentlemen, there's no God. | ||
| I am the last person to say there's no God. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I haven't died, and because I've experienced some things in this life that are completely unexplainable. | ||
| I'm not sure that reality makes any sense. | ||
| I'm not sure that reality is just something you can touch and feel. | ||
| I have a feeling there's many more layers to this that we're not perceiving. | ||
| There could easily be something like a God, but I'll tell you what's not real. | ||
| Mormonism. | ||
| It's not real that a fucking kid in 1820 who was 14 years old, a kid named Joseph Smith, found golden tablets that contained the lost work of Jesus and that only he could read them because he had a magic rock. | ||
| An ex-con, by the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, not at 14 he wasn't. | ||
| At 14 he was just a con man. | ||
| He became an ex-con. | ||
| And a polygamist, by the way. | ||
| They fucking took over Europe because he wanted to bang multiple bitches. | ||
| He didn't want to be married to one broad... | ||
| The idea that you think that that guy had it all wrapped up, that he was the messiah, that he was the prophet, you're a fucking idiot, okay? | ||
| That's a Dr. Seuss book. | ||
| It's not even a good Dr. Seuss book. | ||
| He found a magic rock so he could read the tablets. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| So if you're saying that you are a nonsense person, no, you can't be the president. | ||
| At least, like, Christianity, and at least Islam. | ||
| We don't know the people who wrote them. | ||
| This old, old, old, old, old shit. | ||
| When things get over a thousand years old, it gets super blurry as to who really wrote it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we know the guy who wrote the Book of Mormon! | |
| We know the fucking guy! | ||
| You can read the wiki and see how it all got started, because Jball17 lays it out. | ||
| Did you know that they believe that there's another planet, and then the Osmond brothers had an album based on this planet? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What is the fucking planet? | ||
| The Mormon planet? | ||
| Like Kleptar. | ||
| Oh, something ridiculous. | ||
| Mormon planet Osmond. | ||
| say this you know people say who the fuck you fucking atheist fucking this i i am not an atheist i'm not an atheist but i am not a believer in bullshit and it's a weird thing to me that in this day and age you can look at something that obvious and people resist the idea that that's bullshit you resist the idea that did jesus really come back from the dead do I'm not saying Jesus didn't exist. | ||
| I don't fucking know that Jesus existed. | ||
| But I guarantee you, he didn't fucking just die and magically come back to life. | ||
| And it's written down. | ||
| And because some crazy fucks that wrote a bunch of other questionable shit down, that clearly thought that slavery was okay, Clearly treated women as second-class citizens. | ||
| Clearly said that you should fucking be killed if you wear two different types of cloth at the same time. | ||
| I mean, there's so much Looney Tunes shit with that book. | ||
| You can't live your life based on it. | ||
| But the Mormons figured out the loophole for banging multiple wives at the same time. | ||
| You gotta hand them that, and I could see why someone would subscribe to that. | ||
| The planet is called Kolob. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| K-O-L-O-B. And the Osmonds have in their album, well they have one album called Kolob. | ||
| And if you pull up the image of it, Brian, Osmond Brothers, K-O-L-O-B, it's really weird because they have pictures drawn inside of what they think. | ||
| Of the planet, of what it would look like, artist renderings. | ||
| I met Donny Osmond. | ||
| Donny Osmond, I did his show a couple times. | ||
| I did the Donny and Marie show with the news radio cast, and I did it by myself once. | ||
| And Donny Osmond is a very nice guy, but I showed him some pictures of some, I think some girl pulled her tits out at the comedy store. | ||
| Oh no, that's not what it was. | ||
| It was a black hooker when I was filming filming. | ||
| Let's film it Fear Factor. | ||
| I took this picture of this black hooker who's walking down the street eating a sandwich. | ||
| It's like the great Sasquatch photo from the Patterson Gimlin footage. | ||
| Half obscured by a telephone pole as she's eating the sandwich. | ||
| It's the greatest photo. | ||
| I might have found a spaghetti. | ||
| It's the greatest photo. | ||
| I don't even know if it can be found online. | ||
| If you can find it online. | ||
| Google hooker cheeseburger. | ||
| Is it online? | ||
| No. | ||
| She was eating a meatball sub, and she pulled her tit out, and she's got a meatball sub in her hand, and she's got a blonde wig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And she pulled her tit out for me. | ||
| Well, she was a hooker. | ||
| She was trying to drum up some business. | ||
| I think that was a viral for Subway. | ||
| I think she lost her sign, and she was just pointing for a meatball sub. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| It was real. | ||
| The universe smiled upon me. | ||
| So you show it to Donnie. | ||
| I showed this to Donnie. | ||
| And I go, check this shit out. | ||
| I got this fucking picture today on the set. | ||
| And Donny Osmond looked at me like I just ate his cat in front of him. | ||
| He looked at me like I just gave him poison, shattered his world, ruined his chances at heaven. | ||
| I wish you were recording that reaction. | ||
| The poor guy was shocked. | ||
| I mean, he was legitimately shocked. | ||
| And I thought about it, I was like... | ||
| How has this guy gotten through show business? | ||
| And I've met, like, Bret Michaels. | ||
| He was a very nice guy. | ||
| I met Tom Sizemore. | ||
| I met some real freaks, you know, and they were very nice guys that, you know, have gotten through this high level of show business. | ||
| I'm like, how is this guy, like, so weird? | ||
| How is he so weird? | ||
| He's freaked out by pussy! | ||
| Has he seen Cake Farts or Two Girls, One Cup? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think he's seen anything. | |
| Because that needs to be a mission. | ||
| He's a super Mormon. | ||
| We need to get that in front of him. | ||
| Great. | ||
| We need to get it in front of him and record that reaction. | ||
| Listen to Marie order him around. | ||
| It was magical. | ||
| Is this your photo? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That's a real photo. | ||
| I can't show it. | ||
| You can't show it? | ||
| Yes, you can. | ||
| Oh, because of Ustream? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Listen, it's a woman's breast. | ||
| Let's take a chance. | ||
| Scroll it up real quick. | ||
| It's a real woman. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| It got flashed by the flashing. | ||
| The woman, the breasts, was, I mean, it was perfect. | ||
| That's fantastic. | ||
| It draped over the hand. | ||
| It's literally like those photos on the moon where they're standing in a spotlight, where they're like, there's no way this could have actually been, like, set up that perfectly. | ||
| And it was a stupid-ass camera, too. | ||
| It was a shitty, like, Motorola flip phone. | ||
| Motorola E815, I think. | ||
| It's not even, like, one megapixel, I don't think. | ||
| I mean, I think it was maybe one megapixel. | ||
| It might have been a megapixel. | ||
| But it just was the perfect photo. | ||
| The lighting was perfect. | ||
| I love that picture. | ||
| I love that picture. | ||
| That is proof that there is a God. | ||
| Because they smiled favorably upon you and gave you that moment in this world. | ||
| Beautifully lit. | ||
| I feel like there's something to that. | ||
| And perfectly lit. | ||
| And it was my background image on my computer, but every time I would open it up on a plane, I'd get fucking shitty looks from people. | ||
| I had... | ||
| I would try to put folders in front of her tit, but... | ||
| You try to cover it up. | ||
| People would still get mad at me. | ||
| Icons on the privates. | ||
| Yeah, I tried to put them in there that people would still like, what? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I still leave landmines in my phone, like in my photo, just in the photo roll, because every now and then someone might pick up a phone, or if I'm on a set, I always make sure the wallpaper's interesting in case the phone goes off, so someone sees like just dudes fisting each other. | ||
| Something brilliant. | ||
| And they always kind of look at, oh, your phone, you got a tip, and they never finish what I got. | ||
| You got to, oh, okay. | ||
| It's my favorite thing in the world. | ||
| He's just thinking, like, this is the guy who calls him, and then he sees the picture of guys fisting when this guy calls him. | ||
| But no, it's every call. | ||
| Yeah, it's the default wallpaper. | ||
| There was a while where it was a Photoshop of me getting fucked by Ryan Seacrest, which someone had made for me, and put it on a cake. | ||
| To celebrate me going on E! News. | ||
| It's a brilliant photo. | ||
| That is one of my favorite things though about the iPhone is that big-ass picture that comes up and someone calls. | ||
| I think that is amazing. | ||
| That to me is like very futuristic. | ||
| Like if you call me and I look at my phone and I see your face, I'm like, wow, that's kind of crazy. | ||
| That still fucking trips me out. | ||
| Like FaceTime is getting there, but the ability to click and it's them video calling you, that's where it's at. | ||
| Did you find Kolob yet? | ||
| K-O-L-O-B. K-O-L-O-B. Yeah, you gotta see. | ||
| It's fucking nonsense. | ||
| I think it might be called The Plan. | ||
| The Plan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Their album is called The Plan? | ||
| Yeah, it might not be Call Up. | ||
| It might be Call Up. | ||
| Isn't that album songs about Mormonism, too? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's all in there. | ||
| Yeah, they talk about the crazy shit that they believe in. | ||
| It's one of the nuttiest... | ||
| You need to see Book of Mormon. | ||
| Yeah, and I should see it. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| It's also one of those religions where they are involved in the most arrests for having cults and fucking kids. | ||
| Whenever some polygamy guy gets busted, first of all, it could just be that they're setting him up with the kid fucking thing, but that's how they get him. | ||
| The polygamy thing. | ||
| Well, who can resist? | ||
| Well, now they're also... | ||
| Vice.com has been doing a whole series on where Mitt Romney came from. | ||
| That Mitt Romney came from a religious sect of America, American Mormons, that moved to Mexico so they could still bang multiple wives. | ||
| Because polygamy became outlawed, so they were like, well fuck you, we'll just move over here. | ||
| So now they're involved in like, armed war with the cartels. | ||
| So it's the cartels versus the Romneys in Mexico. | ||
| Like, there's drug wars going on. | ||
| They're kidnapping them. | ||
| Romneys have been kidnapped. | ||
| Other people have been kidnapped. | ||
| It's fucking craziness. | ||
| And who has more money, the cartels or the Romneys? | ||
| That's the question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cartels do. | |
| I think the cartels do. | ||
| By a long shot. | ||
| They have gold everything. | ||
| Those guys make gold toothbrushes, gold guns. | ||
| Have you ever seen, like, how these guys... | ||
| Gold jet skis. | ||
| Yeah, when they kill them and they find all their shit. | ||
| It's really inefficient. | ||
| Gold pistols and... | ||
| You got any photos? | ||
| No, I don't see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I just pulled it up in three seconds, you fuck. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Are you using Bing? | ||
| Bing it. | ||
| Just Mormon Planet Osmond Album. | ||
| Dogpilot. | ||
| Look up Mormon Planet Osmond Album. | ||
| Load Alta Vista. | ||
| And it's the first Google image. | ||
| It's called The Plan. | ||
| And if you look in the other Google images, there's one where it's got God's hand that's holding the planet. | ||
| Aw, that's kind. | ||
| It's so bizarre. | ||
| He has the whole world in his hands, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, it's so... | ||
| Yeah, look at that shirt. | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| I want to know who that guy is. | ||
| I like that he wore his Tommy Bahama shirt to hold light. | ||
| The Osmond Brothers, bro. | ||
| Are you talking about this right here? | ||
| Mormon Planet Osmond album. | ||
| Yes, that's the album, the plan. | ||
| And if you look deep inside the album as you... | ||
| Try album art? | ||
| Is there a Google image search? | ||
| Just do a Google image search. | ||
| I can ask Siri. | ||
| How many things do you have? | ||
| Mormon Planet Osmond album. | ||
| What do you have? | ||
| Mormon Planet Osmond Brothers plan. | ||
| The plan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get all that other stuff out. | ||
| Come on now. | ||
| Yeah, there it is. | ||
| The plan. | ||
| Come on now. | ||
| See, that's the god holding the hand. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Holding the planet. | ||
| That's Kolob. | ||
| He just got us gripped. | ||
| That's the planet where, I guess, god limbs or something. | ||
| It's such a shitty rhyme. | ||
| Such a shitty story. | ||
| It should be a rhyme. | ||
| It should be a Dr. Seuss rhyme. | ||
| A kid who finds golden tablets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One bitch, two bitch. | |
| You know, they came looking for the tablets. | ||
| Like, where are these tablets? | ||
| He said, angels came and took them away. | ||
| That was his answer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought, you shitbag, little fuck, bad story writing asshole. | ||
| It's live journal quality writing. | ||
| It's not even. | ||
| Live journal's way better than that. | ||
| Back in 1820, you didn't have to show your sources. | ||
| No, you'd have to cite anything. | ||
| And this fucking guy who wrote this stuff, this Joseph Smith character, it's a painfully bad story. | ||
| It's tough that it plays a role at all in society and politics. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| That's the saddest part. | ||
| And I'm not saying, again, I'm not saying I have any answers. | ||
| I certainly don't have any answers. | ||
| But I am saying that as human beings... | ||
| Forget about religious freedom. | ||
| At a certain point in time, you have to have the ability to rationally express what the fuck is going on. | ||
| And when you take into consideration a guy's qualifications to be a leader, one of them has to be whether or not he's a gullible fuck. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| You have freedom of expression when it comes to religion, and that is fine and great, believe what you want, but when your religious beliefs influence policy, which affects my freedom, well, suddenly, I don't have religious freedom, because I don't believe in the crazy shit, or what I deem to be, you know, not crazy. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| And now your religion is informing my life. | ||
| It's determining what I can and can't do. | ||
| It's a very good point. | ||
| And it's also that religion, like in choosing to believe something, especially something as ridiculous as Mormonism, that in choosing to believe in it, it sort of defines you as a person, and I'm allowed to judge you in that sense if you're trying to run for a position of leadership. | ||
| I have to look at you as a potential leader. | ||
| There are a lot of people that I respect deeply in this world for their intellect, for their mind, but I've had some people that I even really deeply respect and they have these really big hiccups when it comes to religion. | ||
| And when that happens, that part of, I know, I can't have that conversation with you anymore because you've got a wall up. | ||
| You've got an illogical spot. | ||
| You've got like a little mind cancer in there where you can't... | ||
| You can't rationalize. | ||
| I remember having a conversation with a school teacher. | ||
| And he was a really smart guy. | ||
| He was an interesting guy. | ||
| And he said, someone said something about God and about how there is no other way. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| And I said, so you've seen evidence of stuff that shows there's no other way that something could have existed except for a God? | ||
| And he goes, yes. | ||
| As a matter of fact, molecules... | ||
| Have been shown to be so complex, it would be impossible for us to even imagine that, let alone create them. | ||
| That alone has to be proof of a God. | ||
| And the guy was like, yes, yes, it must be. | ||
| And the woman was like, it has to be proof of a God. | ||
| I was like, that is the craziest thinking I've ever heard. | ||
| That means that a molecule to you is the proof of a God, not the The fucking universe? | ||
| The universe, which is composed of molecules, by the way, that are all touching each other. | ||
| And are all nothing. | ||
| They're all filled with air. | ||
| A thousand years ago, we didn't know there were molecules. | ||
| So it's preposterous to go, well, this is too complex, we'll never solve this. | ||
| We didn't even know, you didn't have a usage for that word or a knowledge of what it was until science discovered, oh, there are these little things. | ||
| And clearly we have light years to go, but... | ||
| But this guy, this was what he was holding on to. | ||
| And I was like, you're a teacher. | ||
| I was like, this guy's a teacher. | ||
| He's a school teacher. | ||
| And he was a smart guy. | ||
| I was like, I go, come on, man. | ||
| There's no other way. | ||
| You know, I'm not saying there's no God, but your argument is that something is super complex, so only God could have created it. | ||
| I was like, you shut off. | ||
| You have a part of your head that doesn't work. | ||
| You don't use it. | ||
| My mother, despite being presented mountains of evidence that I was putting in front of her eyes, really believed that John Edwards could talk to the dead. | ||
| Wanted to go on crossing over, really wanted to meet him, wanted to have him. | ||
| Not the presidential candidate. | ||
| Not the presidential candidate, the TV personality who claimed that he could speak to dead people and scammed Countless thousands of people out of their money by saying he would do cold readings, basically. | ||
| I'm getting something with a J. And he would do that. | ||
| And I showed her the technique. | ||
| There were books on it. | ||
| I showed where he was trained. | ||
| All that stuff. | ||
| Despite that, she refused. | ||
| She had that wall. | ||
| She wanted to believe because she needed to believe. | ||
| And at some point, if she were president, that may inform her decisions. | ||
| She might believe that those people exist. | ||
| She might go to them for foreign policy advice. | ||
| Like, Lord knows how that would influence things. | ||
| Yes, for sure. | ||
| If you're a gullible person, you should not be in a position... | ||
| I want to keep talking. | ||
| Can I flag on the plate and empty my bladder? | ||
| Yeah, go piss, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| See, me, ladies and gentlemen, I can drink coffee. | ||
| Right down, open this door. | ||
| It's the last door on your left. | ||
| Me, I drink coffee. | ||
| I can handle it. | ||
| I can keep it together. | ||
| You know, my broadcast partner in the UFC... I'm feeling sexy now. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I feel way better. | ||
| My broadcast partner in the UFC, Mike Wahlberg, who I love to death, has the smallest bladder of any human being on the planet. | ||
| It's so bad that we count, me and the sound guys, we have a running count, and sometimes we'll have a pool. | ||
| I'll say it'll be over five or over six. | ||
| He will get up six times during the broadcast to pee. | ||
| I mean, literally, he'll get up, he'll pee, and then he'll run out and he'll pee again. | ||
| It's crazy! | ||
| I have a video of him in Vegas. | ||
| Getting up and peeing? | ||
| No, getting mad. | ||
| When I said, why do you pee so much? | ||
| And then he's like, you tell Rogan! | ||
| He gets mad that I bring it up because I was playing a drinking game for a while. | ||
| I stopped playing the drinking game because I didn't want people to torture him, but the drinking game was every time he would go get up, I would be the guy who was introducing the fighters as they would walk through. | ||
| It's usually the way it sets up is Mike Goldberg will introduce a fighter, and as the guy's walking into the octagon, it's a couple minutes, so Mike will say the guy's name, he'll maybe say some pertinent facts about the guy, And I will address his strengths as an athlete. | ||
| I will address his style and what recently he's coming off of and what I think he needs to do here tonight. | ||
| And so that people have something to think about when the guy steps into the octagon. | ||
| They don't just know the guy's name. | ||
| They also know a little bit about the guy. | ||
| But when you only hear me talking and I'm like, you know, Alan the talent belcher. | ||
| Alan's fighting out of Duke Rufus. | ||
| If it's just me talking, that means Goldberg's pissing. | ||
| And I was saying... | ||
| Are you throwing crickets in there? | ||
| Are you saying this is boring? | ||
| No, no, that's like only you are talking and Mike's gone. | ||
| I don't think it works that way, man. | ||
| That's not the use of crickets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a roaring arena. | ||
| There's no crickets. | ||
| Why is he leaving? | ||
| He's leaving and there's a cricket all of a sudden. | ||
| It's illogical, son. | ||
| So he runs off. | ||
| And I say, if you're playing the UFC drinking game, time to take a drink, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And that just, you know, I think that tortured him. | ||
| I think too many people went after him. | ||
| By the way, you're in North Carolina this weekend. | ||
| There's tickets still available. | ||
| So go to where? | ||
| JoeRogan.net? | ||
| Yeah, you can go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| And all the information is also available on my Twitter. | ||
| If you go to my Twitter page... | ||
| It's just twitter.com forward slash Joe Rogan. | ||
| I'm in Raleigh on Friday night at the Memorial Hall, and then I'm in Asheville on Saturday night at Thomas Wolfe. | ||
| I've been to Raleigh. | ||
| I love Raleigh. | ||
| I gotta holler at my boy Cliffy B! Cliffy B from Epic Games! | ||
| Cliffy lives in Raleigh, that fucking savage. | ||
| Is he coming to the show? | ||
| I gotta contact him. | ||
| Is he guesting a show of yours? | ||
| No, I'm guesting. | ||
| Yeah, like coming on to do a thing, like a live podcast. | ||
| No, I don't do live podcasts. | ||
| I think live podcasts are a rip-off. | ||
| I'm sorry for all those people out there that are doing live podcasts, that are making money doing it, but you're charging money for people to sit down and watch something that's not as entertaining as stand-up comedy in a comedy club. | ||
| That's how I feel about it. | ||
| I respect that. | ||
| I disagree with it. | ||
| What do you say it is? | ||
| I think that it's a live performance. | ||
| Like when I did Lead Up, we made sure to make it interactive and to get people on stage and make them part of it so it gives them an experience that they can't have. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You had a whole festival about it. | ||
| Let me just explain something from a point of view of a stand-up comedian. | ||
| When I'm on stage and it's a packed crowd and there's 300 people, I know what's the best thing I can do. | ||
| The best thing I can do is not sit down and have a conversation. | ||
| The best thing I can do is stand up. | ||
| And if there was a crowd here while we were doing this, if there was 300 people watching this, I would not be able to have the same sort of conversational tone. | ||
| I would be hyper aware that all these people are watching and how fucking boring this is to a group of 300 people. | ||
| Joe, that's your pang up. | ||
| Don't project that onto me. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, man. | |
| You just got fucking heavy with me, man! | ||
| Can I just say, it's a whole new fucking world. | ||
| I was trying to actively listen for the last 20 minutes, and I couldn't, and I couldn't figure out why, and it's because I had to piss so bad. | ||
| There's a study that says that if you are driving with an intense need to urinate, it's about as bad as driving drunk. | ||
| Your ability to focus and your reaction times are so impaired because your body is empty your fucking bladder. | ||
| Oh, I believe that. | ||
| And I was going through that, and I didn't realize it, so I apologize. | ||
| Dude, you were doing great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a new day. | |
| You handled it like a champ. | ||
| I was powering through, man. | ||
| It was getting bad. | ||
| See, that's why they invented commercials, because old dudes want to piss a lot. | ||
| It's also why they invented adult diapers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brian used those once. | ||
| Well, people in Times Square used them for New Year's Eve. | ||
| Yeah, I was there for New Years and I was not interested in watching the ball drop, but everybody that was talking about it was like, get there at 6 or 8 a.m. | ||
| because you won't get near enough to see anything or experience anything and you're gonna have to stand there all day. | ||
| And I was like, well, what do you do if you gotta go to the bathroom? | ||
| I'm like, oh, you have to wear diapers. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Which has now changed my vision of any imagery in Times Square because the people that are up front near the ball drop, they've been waiting since 8 a.m. | ||
| and they have shit and piss in their drawers. | ||
| Yeah, and it doesn't help the smell. | ||
| My problem was that it smelled like shit everywhere I was there. | ||
| Now you know why, sir. | ||
| It smells like Depends and Werther's Originals. | ||
| No, no, no, not Times Square. | ||
| I mean, throughout the city? | ||
| No, when he shit his pants, it smelled like shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used Depends. | |
| He was at a grocery store and he shit his pants. | ||
| Target. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| But isn't that weird? | ||
| Like, next time you see the people celebrating in the streets at Times Square, just know that a good percentage of them have a load in their drawers and they're bringing in the New Year. | ||
| Is that... | ||
| That is so ridiculous. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Is that something that is commonly known? | ||
| I didn't know until I went there. | ||
| Is there a forum where they meet and they say, what kind of depends do you use? | ||
| Do you duct tape it in for smell protection? | ||
| They're like Disneyland pin traders talking about strategies. | ||
| What do you do if you pick up a hot girl and you make out at midnight? | ||
| You just meet and then at the stroke you start making out and you're both wearing diapers. | ||
| You gotta do a diaper swap. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We have to start 69, pull hers off, she pulls yours off, and then you bring it around, and so that way you're wearing her shit. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| It's like back and forth forever, man. | ||
| It's the sexiest thing ever. | ||
| Is that a hot dog from 5th Street in there? | ||
| Oh, someone ate hot peanuts! | ||
| Meanwhile, someone would be into that. | ||
| For someone that would be super sexy. | ||
| Oh, there's a definite community for that. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of people that want to eat some shit. | ||
| Johnny Balls 17 is doing it right now on a free cam show. | ||
| Johnny Balls 7. Yeah, if you can find people that want to get fucked by horses, you can find people that want to play with shit. | ||
| That video, when you hear the point where the horse is caught, you hear that groaning. | ||
| You're like, oh, that's the last sound you're going to be making for the rest of your life. | ||
| That is it. | ||
| I want that to be my new text alert. | ||
| I want to hear that whenever someone texts me. | ||
| I wonder what the numbers are of people that have been fucked to death by big animals like horses and shit. | ||
| Because it's not just that one guy. | ||
| Not enough. | ||
| Not enough? | ||
| I was in traffic for an hour today. | ||
| More people need to get fucked to death. | ||
| Yeah, what are the numbers? | ||
| Can we Google that? | ||
| Throughout history, I would think more than a thousand. | ||
| How many people do you think of Big Joe? | ||
| Are the numbers decreasing or are they increasing? | ||
| I think everything's increasing because the population's increasing. | ||
| Sure, but also there wasn't Twitter back then, so what else are we going to do? | ||
| You've got to get fucked by a horse. | ||
| How many people are influenced by the ability to put video of them getting fucked by an animal online? | ||
| Well, I know that... | ||
| It makes them pull the trigger. | ||
| The front-facing camera on this thing has me doing more than walking my neighbor's dog, absolutely. | ||
| There was a conversation that we had yesterday about convincing people to do things that in the FBI, in trapping people, is causing more crime. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Just in order to be able to solve it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And that's another sign of sickness in this crazy world that you can actually talk somebody into doing something fucked up. | ||
| It's an endemic thing because of the bottom line. | ||
| They have to justify their jobs and show that they're preventing terrorism. | ||
| And the only way to do that in a lot of these cases is to go out and entrap people and create scenarios that they can jump on board with. | ||
| And the people that are doing it are people that are awesome at going undercover and pretending to be someone else. | ||
| So they're getting a rush out of that, too, by the way. | ||
| A rush out of pulling it off. | ||
| Yeah, well, sometimes... | ||
| And those are the type of charismatic people that can talk you into doing things you wouldn't have ordered to never be done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| Well, sometimes that's the case. | ||
| Sometimes they're taking ex-cons and they're taking people that would normally be, you know, stoolies and empowering them and saying, you go do all the illegal shit you want to do and we'll back you with the badge. | ||
| Dude, we talked about all this yesterday, unfortunately. | ||
| We went over it with my friend Tate. | ||
| We talked about Whitey Bulger and all the different, you know, the guy who was working for the FBI was the head of the Boston mob. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a mess. | ||
| The system is fucking completely ridiculous when it comes to that. | ||
| So do you think the feds are running stings or they're encouraging people to fuck horses or get fucked by horses? | ||
| I was saying, it could be. | ||
| That is possible. | ||
| I think someone can talk... | ||
| I have a joke. | ||
| Like, where do they recruit at? | ||
| Pettings? | ||
| I had a joke in my last special about Mormons, that Mormons are afraid of gay marriage. | ||
| And if anybody should be afraid of gay marriage, that it's Mormons. | ||
| Because if someone could talk you into being a Mormon... | ||
| They could probably talk you into sucking their dick. | ||
| And it really is true. | ||
| You should be scared. | ||
| You should be scared. | ||
| Someone can talk you into something completely ridiculous. | ||
| Someone can talk people into... | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that are super persuasive. | ||
| And they can talk people into doing a lot of things. | ||
| And so when someone does something and they do it with the aid of someone who happens to be an agent... | ||
| I used to think that that was bullshit. | ||
| That person's a criminal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If someone came along to me and told me to blow up the Capitol building, I wouldn't do it. | |
| I'm not going to do it. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm not an idiot. | ||
| There's some people out there that are idiots, and it's not fair that someone can come along and convince this idiot that he is going to defend Islam by giving them a bomb. | ||
| Like the guy in Dallas where the cops are providing them with a fake bomb. | ||
| He pressed the button and then they moved in on him and arrested him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They gave him a fake bomb. | |
| They gave him the bomb. | ||
| They gave him cab fare. | ||
| They gave him everything he needed to do it. | ||
| And by the way, there are people listening to this right now that are wearing multiple Q-Ray balance bracelets because they believe it gives them the power to lift cars and balance better. | ||
| Talk to pro athletes that believe that. | ||
| Do they really believe it or do they know that they're shilling? | ||
| Dude, I had a guy who tried to do that to me. | ||
| I guess it's power of placebo, right? | ||
| It's just power of placebo. | ||
| This guy tried to do that to me. | ||
| That too. | ||
| This guy who was a salesman. | ||
| Mike Goldberg was telling me how great they were. | ||
| He was wearing one. | ||
| This guy was like, you gotta wear this. | ||
| This guy is just gonna show you. | ||
| So he brings this guy over. | ||
| And this guy tries some fucking carny tricks on me. | ||
| Where he pushes down on your hands behind you. | ||
| You clasp your hands. | ||
| I'm going to push down on them. | ||
| Look, you tilt it over. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| I go, you're not doing it the same way. | ||
| I go, your angle is different. | ||
| I go, stand right here. | ||
| I go, now do it. | ||
| I go, yeah, man, what are you doing? | ||
| And then I looked at the other guy. | ||
| I go, what are you guys doing? | ||
| You're playing little carny tricks. | ||
| I go, if you want to do something, I go, let's do it exactly the same way. | ||
| I go, pull my arm down now. | ||
| And he couldn't pull my arm down. | ||
| I go, come on, pull my arm down now. | ||
| Hold on, I've got to put on another bracelet. | ||
| Yeah, I go, now I try to do it. | ||
| I go, are you crazy? | ||
| Who bought this? | ||
| I'm like, how is anybody buying this? | ||
| Millions of people bought it. | ||
| I'm like, you're moving around and showing me different angles. | ||
| I do jujitsu. | ||
| I understand how there's leverage. | ||
| You're changing the leverage points. | ||
| Some people didn't even get that, though. | ||
| Some people got convinced by an infomercial at 2am. | ||
| Dude, some people, fuck that. | ||
| Some people got convinced by this guy. | ||
| I was watching people agree with him. | ||
| Like, yeah, I do have more balance. | ||
| And I threw a fucking wet diaper into the party. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Man, he was going to get the company bonus trip to Cabo and you ruined his numbers. | ||
| This guy grabbed my hand and pinned it to my body and was playing mercy with me and lifting my... | ||
| Now try to resist. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| This is some silly shit. | ||
| If you wanted to prove that it would give you better strength, you would make me lift weights. | ||
| You would say, lift weights now that you have this... | ||
| Well, don't you feel stronger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know? | ||
| Come on, you silly bitch. | ||
| So, if people can be talked into that shit, people can be talked into anything. | ||
| It's just an excuse to wear jewelry, I think. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's really not as fashionable as a crock. | ||
| I still see people. | ||
| I see it all the time. | ||
| But what it is, is a psychological tool. | ||
| There's something that... | ||
| It's a placebo. | ||
| Yes, but in that respect, for some reason, it seems to work. | ||
| You know, with athletes even, there was a measurable difference, even in people that thought that it was a placebo, even in people that went in with a preconceived notion that it was a placebo, knowing that they were probably right, still had a benefit of it because they were trying to convince themselves that it worked. | ||
| Did we talk about the blood pressure placebo trial the last time I was here? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's worth Googling. | ||
| I'll give you the fuzzy cliff notes of it. | ||
| But basically they did a study where they gave people a placebo and told them that it was a real pill that was going to lower their heart rate and their blood pressure and work miracles for them. | ||
| Then they gave another group the same pill. | ||
| It was a sugar water pill. | ||
| And they said, this is a placebo. | ||
| This pill does nothing. | ||
| But we're doing this study to see if it will lower your blood pressure. | ||
| It did. | ||
| It did lower it in the people that were told it was a placebo. | ||
| And when the trial ended, they said, okay, that's it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| The people revolted. | ||
| And they said, what are you doing? | ||
| My blood pressure is going to go back up. | ||
| I need this pill. | ||
| And they're like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's a placebo. | ||
| It does nothing. | ||
| The pill does nothing. | ||
| And they had to start manufacturing placebo pills for this trial group. | ||
| This is the same story. | ||
| You're giving me a detailed description. | ||
| It's the exact same story. | ||
| I simplified it. | ||
| But you made it much more clear. | ||
| There's something weird with our brains. | ||
| There's something weird with our brains when we believe things. | ||
| Because I think that reality is more malleable than we think it is. | ||
| We've shown that there's a certain amount of effect positive energy and mood can have on people, and there's a certain amount of effect true belief in something can have on your environment. | ||
| There's something weird going on with the mind that it's not quite as simple as we like to think it is. | ||
| It's not 1 plus 1 equals 2. It's 1 plus 1 equals 2, but if you believe in magic, it might equal 5. Right. | ||
| You can have a magic variable in your equation that can change the outcome of the algorithm. | ||
| Belief in yourself is a strange thing. | ||
| Belief in things is a strange thing. | ||
| That's why I tell people, don't believe in yourself. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Don't believe in anything or anyone, and you'll be free. | ||
| But no, because if you believe in things, it can empower you. | ||
| That's what's really fucked up. | ||
| Positive energy begets... | ||
| Where does positive... | ||
| It's not as simple as positive energy, though. | ||
| It's not like that's sort of some hippie ideology. | ||
| What's the difference of thinking positive? | ||
| It's not just thinking positive. | ||
| It's thinking specifically about certain results and thinking positive and moving in that direction. | ||
| Certainly, you can't just sit there and wish. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying that there's some sort of a magical combination that when used is greater than the sum of its parts, There's something to the human mind that affects reality in a way that I don't think we've totally measured yet. | ||
| There have been studies that show that people that undergo surgery, where there's a certain rehab time, if they believe in the power of prayer, they tend to heal quicker and fuller, faster. | ||
| So there is clearly, there's some quantifiable evidence. | ||
| So you should believe in something. | ||
| You know, even believing in something that's bullshit, like if it empowers you, there's something weird about that. | ||
| You should be wearing a Q-ray balance bracelet. | ||
| Fucking rubber bracelets for some weird people. | ||
| It's what they needed. | ||
| It's that trigger that they needed to fire up that certain part of their brain that gives you the green light to expect certain results. | ||
| They needed a totem. | ||
| Like, I can't believe that just the power of thought will be enough to compel me into a positive, or propel me into a positive direction. | ||
| But you give me a rubber trinket that I can now attach that positivity to, and I go, I believe that, because that's a thing. | ||
| That has an alloy in it. | ||
| It has an earth crystal. | ||
| It's something where the mind gets the green light. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, what... | ||
| When I was a kid, when I was competing in Taekwondo, when I was 19 years old, I went to watch the World Cup. | ||
| I had a run from the time when I was 17 until I was 21. I won the Massachusetts State Championship every year. | ||
| And then one year I won the U.S. Open. | ||
| I came in second in the U.S. Cup. | ||
| I was like really highly ranked nationally. | ||
| And that year was the year that I went to watch the World Cup. | ||
| Because I went to Colorado Springs and I saw the best fighters in the world. | ||
| And I came back from just watching it. | ||
| And all of a sudden I was like a year better. | ||
| It was like I had made this huge leap. | ||
| And I had a friend of mine, his name was Jung-Sik, Jung-Sik Chang. | ||
| This kid was a fucking maniac. | ||
| This guy was a student. | ||
| He was a medical student. | ||
| He was going through his internship and training to be on the U.S. Olympic Taekwondo team at the same time. | ||
| He was a fucking savage. | ||
| Just the most hardest working kid I've ever met in my life. | ||
| Guy slept three hours every night, trained like a fucking madman. | ||
| But we were talking about it. | ||
| He goes, what happened? | ||
| He goes, how did you get so good? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| And I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| I went to this one place and I hit this new level. | ||
| It's like I was like this really good local guy. | ||
| And then I went and I watched the World Championships, the World Cup rather. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I was like world class. | ||
| It happened like overnight. | ||
| It happened so quick. | ||
| I realized what was possible. | ||
| I saw those guys move and I went, oh, you can move faster. | ||
| You could do this more. | ||
| You could do that more. | ||
| But just by having a new model in my mind... | ||
| My physical body caught up to that model almost instantly. | ||
| I had already had the physical capability, but I hadn't seen it yet, so I didn't know what was possible until it was shown to me. | ||
| Yeah, you had a barrier based off your body, and then you saw that bar can be raised. | ||
| You went, oh, okay, I'll just go up there now. | ||
| Well, I also saw that those guys would fuck me up. | ||
| When you watch things objectively, if you're a competitor, The most important part of getting better is you gotta know how bad you are right now. | ||
| You gotta know what you suck at. | ||
| You gotta know where your holes are. | ||
| You gotta know what mistakes you make. | ||
| And if you don't see that, the enemy can see that. | ||
| I can see that in other people immediately. | ||
| And I'm like, man, if I can't see that in myself, that's a fucking horrible, horrible handicap. | ||
| So you look at these guys, and I went and watched these guys. | ||
| I remember going, this guy would fuck me up. | ||
| This guy would fuck me up. | ||
| That guy would knock me out. | ||
| I was like, this guy wouldn't want to fight with him. | ||
| I was like, shit! | ||
| And I just realized that there is a whole... | ||
| So all of a sudden, I was doing things that I could never do before. | ||
| I remember thinking, what was holding me back? | ||
| Was it just that I hadn't seen it? | ||
| And then I remember the thing about the four-minute mile. | ||
| Nobody thought a human being could ever run faster than a four-minute mile. | ||
| It just wasn't beyond our capabilities. | ||
| Then one guy did it, and then all of a sudden, a gang of people did it immediately. | ||
| It's like all of a sudden, these new levels get set, and new barriers get broken. | ||
| There's something to it that's not just physical. | ||
| There's something to it. | ||
| Where the belief and when the mind has new information, it changes the reality. | ||
| So where do you draw the line in? | ||
| If you can say, alright, someone who has this belief or someone who has these thoughts that empowers them and it's positive for them, when do you go, well, but your belief is wrong. | ||
| The one that you have that empowers you and propels you in positive directions that you give credit to for the positivity in your life, when do you go, okay, well, that's wrong, though, because I can prove that it doesn't exist or because I can prove that it was made up by somebody? | ||
| At what point, then, do you have the right to say that? | ||
| You don't. | ||
| Well, a lot of people, look, you know, whether it's the flying spaghetti monster or whether it's, you know, the president of the planet column. | ||
| There's something that is empowering about having belief. | ||
| And I've seen people, one of the things I was scared of when I was a kid when I was competing, I was scared of competing against religious guys. | ||
| Because I felt like they believed something more than I did. | ||
| They have God in their corner. | ||
| Yeah, I was filled with doubt about, you know, I was an idiot, first of all. | ||
| And I was filled with doubt about, you know, what would happen when I die, my mortality, whether I'm a good person or not. | ||
| And I would meet people that were like, when I would see guys like reading the Bible before they would fight, it would scare the shit out of me. | ||
| There was like one thing that really, there was a guy named Clayton, I think his name was Clayton Barber. | ||
| He was one of the top level guys in my division and he was an army guy and he was super religious. | ||
| He was like super, and he scared the shit out of me. | ||
| I was terrified of him. | ||
| He wasn't even the most dangerous guy. | ||
| He was just, to me, he was scary because... | ||
| He was too religious. | ||
| It was just too creepy. | ||
| A lot of people say that religion is what compels them to do great things. | ||
| Or horrible things. | ||
| Religion is also strong enough to have them fly planes into buildings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| So if a book and a philosophy can make somebody do that, Lord knows what it can make them do to you in the ring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you say fly planes into buildings, you're completely discounting what we have. | |
| The documents that show remote control planes are the only way you can get a plane to make those kind of turns. | ||
| There's too much in for me. | ||
| How much corruption do you believe there is in 9-11? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But all I know is what is from the past. | ||
| Oh, was that a Pandora's box? | ||
| Yeah, he wants to talk about farts. | ||
| That's what it means. | ||
| Hey, good fart story. | ||
| We can talk about Olive Garden. | ||
| There's corruption in government, no question about it. | ||
| All you need to know is there's no reason to ever tell you the exact story. | ||
| So any story that happens, whether it's the way we killed Osama bin Laden, which, by the way, we've already had a difference in the story from one of the actual SEALs who was on site who killed Osama bin Laden. | ||
| There's a difference between his story and the official story that the government has put out. | ||
| Did you read his book? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| Now, when you go back into the past and look at The Pat Tillman story, and you realize that they lied about what happened to the American hero and football star Pat Tillman, who was killed by friendly fire, who they think may have been actually murdered because he was complaining too much about the war. | ||
| He was a real patriot who went over there because he thought he was going to defend us against the terrorists. | ||
| And when he got there, he realized it was a massive clusterfuck and was talking about it quite openly. | ||
| And then he gets shagged by... | ||
| Shagged? | ||
| No. | ||
| Shanked? | ||
| Fragged. | ||
| Yeah, buddy. | ||
| Frag's the word. | ||
| He gets killed. | ||
| And they make a total lie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Completely lie about what happened. | |
| Jessica Lynch. | ||
| There's another story. | ||
| Jessica Lynch, who's a woman that they said they had to take out an armed insertion to remove her from... | ||
| She was rescued by high-level guys when she was being kidnapped. | ||
| She wasn't being kidnapped. | ||
| She was in a hospital being treated. | ||
| The whole... | ||
| They lie. | ||
| They just lie. | ||
| And I don't think it's... | ||
| I'm not blaming soldiers. | ||
| I'm blaming the very people at the top of the command who are doing this, who have always been doing it like this. | ||
| They did it since Operation Dirty Trick. | ||
| You know, when John Glenn first went into space, if John Glenn died, they were going to blame it on the Cubans. | ||
| They were going to concoct evidence. | ||
| This has all been proven. | ||
| They were going to concoct evidence. | ||
| They were going to blame it on the Cubans. | ||
| And they were going to go, well, look, we've got a win-win situation here. | ||
| Send this fucking guy into orbit. | ||
| If he blows up, we just go fuck up Cuba. | ||
| And everybody's happy. | ||
| It's called a catalyst. | ||
| It's called the way people who have ultimate control run business. | ||
| You know, this country has always been run by that. | ||
| So when something like 9-1-1 happens and... | ||
| You look at all the potential fuckery that could have taken place from the fact that people were gambling and betting on airlines failing right before it happened. | ||
| That there was a massive amount of money that was moved around. | ||
| Insurance policies taken out for buildings in the area. | ||
| The fact that evidence was destroyed minutes after the event. | ||
| This seems to indicate that there's a lot of room for potential fuckery. | ||
| And if you add that to what we know has happened in the past, I throw my hands up and I go, I don't know. | ||
| I don't really know what happened, but I am not willing to ever stop and say that the government is on this occasion... | ||
| It's telling 100% of the truth. | ||
| Even though they haven't done it in the past, and even though they've been lying about the Iran-Contra scandal, and even though they lied about virtually every fucking thing that has ever happened overseas, whether it's, you know, fucking Gulf of Tonkin, whether it's the reason why they pulled all their battleships out of World War II, out of Pearl Harbor before it happened. | ||
| We knew Pearl Harbor was happening. | ||
| They let it happen. | ||
| They received notice. | ||
| We needed a catalyst to get us involved in that war. | ||
| I told that to G. Gordon Liddy. | ||
| I said, you know, they were saying that on the History Channel. | ||
| I had G. Gordon Liddy was on Fear Factor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He almost won. | ||
| He just can't see at night. | ||
| His fucking vision sucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he crashed his car. | ||
| Did he have to eat weird shit or anything? | ||
| And who's the guy who won? | ||
| He was like a fucking... | ||
| He was like a really big star in the 70s. | ||
| And then he became a drug addict. | ||
| He was like a... | ||
| God. | ||
| I can't remember his fucking name. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| It's like a weird, obscure guy, some singer guy. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I want to say Jared Leto, but it's not him. | ||
| He is not obscure. | ||
| His music is powerful. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| His music moves mountains, you asshole. | ||
| But he's like that kind of a guy. | ||
| But, gee, Gordon Liddy, you know, I had a conversation with him about it. | ||
| He's like, oh, I don't believe that's true. | ||
| I'm like, hmm, that's what they're saying on the History Channel. | ||
| That's what history is saying. | ||
| Yeah, it's like they're saying that they decoded Japanese. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why they left certain ships and they took out some of the big battleships. | ||
| They allowed that to happen so that we could have an excuse to get into World War II. Right. | ||
| Which ultimately, I guess, is probably a good thing. | ||
| It would suck if the Nazis actually did win. | ||
| Is that possible that we can have a fucking Star Wars type situation where the Nazis get into a position where they can have a fucking Death Star? | ||
| We're building our way towards it. | ||
| We're going to build the Death Star. | ||
| We've already got flying drones. | ||
| We already got the drones. | ||
| We're getting there, man. | ||
| Yeah, they didn't even think of that in Star Wars. | ||
| They didn't think there'd be 30,000 drones in the air. | ||
| Yeah, why would you need people in these TIE Fighters and X-Wings? | ||
| Star Wars didn't even have Google. | ||
| Use the remote. | ||
| They didn't even have Google in Star Wars. | ||
| They had the Force. | ||
| They didn't need it, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They had the Force. | ||
| Pretty sweet. | ||
| By the way, bro, you got the Force, too. | ||
| The Force is what we were talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Force is the belief and the ability to accomplish things. | ||
| It's funny, on the power of positive thought, I used to be one of those guys that was, and it wasn't something I was consciously doing, but in my youth, I would be jealous of people that had success, or sometimes be angry that someone did something creative, as opposed to appreciating that, and supporting them, and being genuinely excited for them. | ||
| And I had to, Root that out of myself and examine that and go, where is this coming from? | ||
| And you know, seeds of insecurity and all sorts of stuff. | ||
| And once I was able to look at it for what it was, that sunlight disinfected it, and now being genuinely excited for people that are doing awesome things and being positive about that has fundamentally changed my life. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I've seen that in only the last few years, so fully subscribe to that. | ||
| I have talked about that on this podcast many, many, many, many times. | ||
| The difference between the way I looked at things as a young man who hadn't really accomplished much or was really insecure to the way I handle things now. | ||
| And somewhere along the line, I sort of figured it out. | ||
| Somewhere in my 20s. | ||
| I figured out that it was just a weakness. | ||
| But I'm really self-critical, so I had pointed that out. | ||
| And so I would see that in other people where they would be hating on other folks, and I'd be like, man, you're fucking yourself. | ||
| You don't even realize you're fucking yourself. | ||
| We should all be elevating ourselves, all of us. | ||
| And that sort of became the idea of... | ||
| What we do with this whole crew of us that we call the Death Squad. | ||
| I mean, that's really what it is. | ||
| It's like we all support each other and we all, like, get psyched for each other. | ||
| There's no one, like, Ari Shaffir right now is number one on iTunes, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Yeah, we talked about it yesterday on the podcast, and boom, his new CD is number one. | ||
| And it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Ari's worked very hard, and we started taking him on the road when he was... | ||
| Basically, he was an employee at the Comedy Store, and he was just starting to do real 15- and 20-minute sets many, many, many years ago. | ||
| So to see him now headlining major clubs and having the number one CD on iTunes, it's fucking amazing. | ||
| But that pumps us all up, you know? | ||
| And number two is Tommy Segura, who's also our buddy. | ||
| What is his? | ||
| White Girls with Cornrows? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, which is hilarious. | ||
| Tommy Segura is one of the best fucking comics in the country right now. | ||
| He's so underrated. | ||
| He is fucking hilarious. | ||
| I'm not familiar with him. | ||
| I'll have to check it out. | ||
| Oh my god, he's funny. | ||
| And he's a great guy. | ||
| And his shit is number two. | ||
| And then Joey Diaz is like number three or number four. | ||
| And Joey's been number one for months. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| But it benefits all of us. | ||
| It pumps us all up. | ||
| Starting a podcast here next week. | ||
| You fucking are! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I do it? | |
| How do we do it? | ||
| Do it right here! | ||
| I need a logo into Photoshop. | ||
| Done. | ||
| All we need is Kevin Pereira gets shit done. | ||
| Let's do it next week. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| See? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I love this. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Excellent. | ||
| Fist to the man. | ||
| We will now work together. | ||
| The nighttime is the right time. | ||
| Kevin Pereira, you are officially Death Squad now. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Is there a cat t-shirt? | ||
| You've got to hug Brian. | ||
| It's uncomfortable after the first 30 minutes. | ||
| Hold him for one hour. | ||
| Does he go through stages of emotion? | ||
| He'll cry for a little bit, then he'll get aroused, then he'll get angry. | ||
| He'll start telling stories of his youth that you think are made up. | ||
| Yeah, you have to do it. | ||
| It's very hard for people who don't have things going on in their life to be happy for people who do. | ||
| You've got to use that shit as inspiration, man. | ||
| When you see someone win an Emmy and you're like, I need to write a script! | ||
| Get up and write that fucking script. | ||
| Don't hate on the guy who created Sex and the City or the woman who created... | ||
| I don't know why I said Sex and the City. | ||
| What am I living in the fucking... | ||
| I just went back in time. | ||
| Because it's a phenomenal series. | ||
| Don't hate on Louis C.K. for just winning two Emmys. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| I love the shot of him in the crowd with the two Emmys at his feet and he's just tweeting. | ||
| I don't know if you've seen that. | ||
| It's almost like he could care less, but you know he loves it. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| Well, you know, he's the real deal and he's a hard-working guy. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| You should be excited about that. | ||
| You should see that guy and you shouldn't say, man, he's got this going on and I can't even get a middle spot. | ||
| You just got to work, man. | ||
| It's just got to work. | ||
| But you'll find it gets a lot easier to do that work and you find a lot more support when you're not pissed at people and jealous for their success. | ||
| It makes you way better. | ||
| And it's easier to be creative. | ||
| One of the hardest parts of being creative is if you're in tension with someone. | ||
| Or you have issues or you're jealous or you have any sort of negativity. | ||
| It's very difficult to be creative with any sort of negativity in your life because that becomes the blaring focus instead of letting the mind relax and go into these weird sort of patterns of thoughts that create creativity, especially comedic creativity. | ||
| I was going to say, you can create great music because you're pissed at an ex-girlfriend or you have a heroin problem, but it's really hard to make comedy. | ||
| How many great songs have been written by dudes who are just trying to get a girl back? | ||
| Probably a lot, right? | ||
| Countless. | ||
| It's so sad. | ||
| Countless. | ||
| I also love that drugs have shaped the design and sound of music throughout time. | ||
| There's been studies that show that cocaine makes you more sensitive to higher frequencies, and that's why a lot of the music from the 80s had the treble blasted way up, because dudes were just blown out on coke at the mixing board, going, yeah, give me that cymbal! | ||
| Give me that guitar scream! | ||
| Got it, man! | ||
| Got it, man! | ||
| I just finished The Dirt. | ||
| The Motley Crue Tales. | ||
| Have you read that? | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Brilliant! | ||
| Neil Strauss wrote it. | ||
| I mean, it's very well written, and it tells you the perspective. | ||
| I'm not even a Motley Crue fan. | ||
| I barely know their music. | ||
| But the stories in here seem unbelievable, but as you flip the page, you get the same tale, but from another band member's perspective. | ||
| And so, by the third chapter, you've got real perspective on incidents that happened of, like, girls being stuffed into litter boxes and guys ODing in the back of cars. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, crazy shit. | ||
| Blowjobs in private jets while people are overdosing. | ||
| Like, it's as rock and roll as rock and roll gets. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's the program, by the way, you were talking about earlier that stitches everything in it together. | ||
| Oh, that's another one, because that is definitely not the name of it, but that's awesome. | ||
| VYClone, it's called. | ||
| Does it work on all platforms? | ||
| It's an Apple store. | ||
| Look at that fake iPhone that shows it. | ||
| See, these are a bunch of people. | ||
| All their videos are connecting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| How great is that? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| But that song sucks a bag of dicks. | ||
| What are you talking about, man? | ||
| Kill that song. | ||
| That was dope. | ||
| Was that Buena Vista Social Club? | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Speaking of songs, everybody keeps asking, when is this fucking end of the world party? | ||
| Tickets going on sale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They're going on sale this Friday, and it'll be... | ||
| Honey Honey, Joe Diaz, Doug Stanhope, and myself. | ||
| December 21st, 2012 at the Wiltern Theater in LA. Come celebrate the end of the world, bitches. | ||
| We're going down swinging. | ||
| We're going down with mushrooms and whiskey. | ||
| That's what we're going to do. | ||
| Are you going to throw them out to the crowd? | ||
| Confusing messages. | ||
| Look, this is the big date that all these crazy people and Terrence McKenna have been predicting of some real change. | ||
| And I don't believe that anything real is going to happen unless maybe we make something real happen. | ||
| Maybe you are the one, Neil. | ||
| Maybe you're the reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've got the touch. | |
| Dude, shut up. | ||
| I think what is going to happen, though, is we're going to have a good fucking time. | ||
| And Stan Hope and I have been talking about... | ||
| Yeah, December 21st. | ||
| That's the end of the Mayan calendar. | ||
| That's the day. | ||
| The end of the long count. | ||
| I'm not going to see 30. You will. | ||
| It's not going to end. | ||
| It's all going to end. | ||
| No, I don't buy it. | ||
| I think we're going to pull it out. | ||
| You know what I think? | ||
| I think there's a battle right now between idiocy and technology. | ||
| And I firmly believe that things improve. | ||
| And without any source of... | ||
| If we can avoid nuclear war and cataclysmic impacts by, you know... | ||
| Asteroids and... | ||
| Supervolcanoes. | ||
| Shit along those lines. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But we also have to accept the fact that the more data comes in, the more we realize there are certain parts of the planet that are habitable and then become inhabitable. | ||
| And we have to fucking accept that. | ||
| And we need to start thinking about that here in Southern California. | ||
| When it gets 110 fucking 30, 40, 50 days in a row, at a certain point in time, you got to go, what if it gets to 130? | ||
| What if it gets to 150? | ||
| Right. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| Are we going to stay here and wear suits everywhere we go so that we stay alive? | ||
| The gray alien sleeve. | ||
| We'll have to be buying those from Apple. | ||
| What are we going to do if this is the precursor to an Ice Age? | ||
| And what if the shift comes in dramatic form like they believe it has all throughout history? | ||
| The end of the last Ice Age abruptly happened, including massive extinction events like the Woolly mammoth, saber-toothed tiger, all sorts of animals just disappeared off the face of the earth. | ||
| And we got to accept the fact that that shit could happen here. | ||
| Just because we have a database of a couple of thousand years of civilization and all living in the same continents, we also have a fucking map of Greenland that they don't really understand where these people, excuse me, not Greenland, Antarctica. | ||
| There's a map of Antarctica that came from the 1500s That is a very detailed map of the perimeter and it's correct and they don't know who the fuck charted this thing because Antarctica has been frozen for God knows how long and the suspicion is that at some point in time Antarctica was actually inhabitable. | ||
| And there's all these sites that say there's pyramids on Antarctica that they're discovering, but I don't buy that. | ||
| That seems like fuckery. | ||
| It seems like some horseshit. | ||
| Little Yeti homes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm not, I'm completely convinced that in the course of human history, the hundreds of thousands of years that have been things that are remotely close to what we look like, We've had to flee. | ||
| North America was covered in ice. | ||
| A mile-high sheet of ice. | ||
| The Great Lakes were created by all this. | ||
| Giant boulders were moved. | ||
| This huge slab of ice comes down. | ||
| It's a mile high, and it pushes slowly across the land, literally erasing everything in its sight. | ||
| You've got to get the fuck out of there. | ||
| And that easily could happen to us again. | ||
| It's interesting to think, like, if there were another catastrophic environmental event that wiped us out, if thousands of years go on and another human civilization is spawned and birthed, like, what relics they would find, because they might not ever know that we developed the internet, that we had iPhones, that we had anything else. | ||
| They would get, you know, guns, maybe, maybe a clay pot or two, but they wouldn't really have a knowledge of our civilization because of the way we're storing it. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, they would be fucked. | ||
| Well, that's exactly what they believe happened to the people that built Baalbek in Lebanon, where they have these 10-foot tall stones that are 70, 100 feet long, and they don't even know why the fuck they got them there. | ||
| They don't even know when they got them there. | ||
| They have no idea. | ||
| And that's the really extreme people that believe in the ancient civilization's advancement. | ||
| That's their idea, is that we lost all the glass and metal, and all gets absorbed from... | ||
| We showed a Blendtec blender blending an iPhone. | ||
| We showed a video of that yesterday. | ||
| Yeah, it turned into a fine dust. | ||
| It's amazing! | ||
| What do you think would happen if that iPhone got in the bottom of a glacier and it's a mile high and it's moving a foot a year, whatever the fuck it does, just crushing everything in front of it. | ||
| Trillions of tons of ice. | ||
| You wouldn't get much more than that either. | ||
| Just crush it down to nothing. | ||
| You mentioned this war between ignorance or stupidity and technology. | ||
| Yeah, that's the battle. | ||
| It is a huge battle. | ||
| But what concerns me, and I am fundamentally an optimist, but I always raise a flag when I can. | ||
| And what concerns me is technology's role in dumbing people down. | ||
| That its role as a propaganda machine, astroturfing. | ||
| You know, where you can make it look like the opinions of many are something just with the click of a mouse. | ||
| There are companies that are designed to do this, where you can disseminate information, people can live in their bubble, where if, let's say, a Republican Googles something or a Democrat Googles something, their results are filtered and different from each other. | ||
| Like, this is happening today. | ||
| I see that, but I also, and I agree with you that that is a concern, but I also see that the free distribution of information ultimately will balance that out. | ||
| Because I see that what's going on now is more skepticism, more intolerance to corruption, more understanding of the corruption itself than it's ever existed before, and that is because of the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But have you read YouTube comments? | ||
| Like, that skepticism is being fueled and powered and growing exponentially on both sides of every issue. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like the commentary and the dissection and the editing of information, which is prevalent now. | ||
| People seek out voices that speak to the opinion that they want to have. | ||
| That is true for now. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| But I think people are better today, I know I am certainly better today, at seeing contrary points, to seeing information that doesn't jive with me. | ||
| Because you seek them out. | ||
| Yeah, it's because I seek them out, but I think that's a trend that we could set in all sorts of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope. | |
| I think the only way to really truly benefit is to actually truly benefit. | ||
| And the only way to truly benefit is to be honest and real. | ||
| And to know what is going on. | ||
| Not to have a distorted perception of what's going on. | ||
| Because you can only live in that distortion for so long before you go fucking insane. | ||
| And even people that are insane wish they weren't. | ||
| And I think there is a way... | ||
| That we can all figure out how to get through this and not be insane. | ||
| And the only way is truth, reality, and objective thinking. | ||
| I think the internet facilitates that in a way that nothing else before has. | ||
| I think the internet gives people an ability. | ||
| And it's only been here for a couple of decades. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I think it hasn't even had a chance We're good to go. | ||
| That didn't before. | ||
| The access to information from the time they were a young child and the ability to disseminate information and double and triple check things. | ||
| And there's people like WikiLeaks and there's people like Anonymous that are on top of shit to make sure that everybody knows the truth. | ||
| And I think that will spawn others. | ||
| And I think that is the trend of the future. | ||
| Future is the truth. | ||
| And I think that's all being distributed through the internet and changing generations. | ||
| Again, as a fundamental optimist and an advocate for technology, I agree and I hope. | ||
| But with that said, just as the internet's ability to distribute information and disseminate truth, it's also in its infancy to distort and to deliver messages to people that are targeted and false. | ||
| Sure, but that requires conspiracy. | ||
| And the conspiracy doesn't necessarily... | ||
| But throughout history, there's been nothing but conspiracy. | ||
| Conspiracy doesn't necessarily empower the individual. | ||
| And the individual is the one who's going to break the conspiracy. | ||
| Much like WikiLeaks, much like that Bradley Manning guy did. | ||
| People are going to realize that it does not benefit them to help this big giant group of cunts. | ||
| And I think that is a trend. | ||
| Or that giant group of cunts will use astroturfing and the technology available to deliver a specific message to them on the channels that they're getting at so that either A, they believe it's truth or they feel like they need to believe it for their security or for a myriad of reasons. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Again, I'm the optimist. | ||
| My argument is that it's going to be harder and harder to do that. | ||
| I'm just saying we need to be vigilant. | ||
| Ever vigilant. | ||
| Yes, I agree with you. | ||
| Which is why I'm starting a podcast on Death Squad next week. | ||
| Kevin Pereira stepped up to the plate, kid. | ||
| I'm only going to talk about fisting and cake farts. | ||
| That's all you need to talk about. | ||
| Everything else is redundant. | ||
| Cake farts is still one of my favorite videos. | ||
| It's about fun, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's what this life is. | ||
| You want to break it down to hippie positive energy. | ||
| You want to break it down to that. | ||
| That is one way to look at it, although that idea has been tainted by yoga instructors trying to fuck their students. | ||
| There's more to it. | ||
| And by Coca-Cola saying that that Coke will deliver a smile. | ||
| If you want fun, buy our product. | ||
| Yeah, it's possible that some products do deliver fun though, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do. | |
| Have you tried OxyContin? | ||
| What about your A7? Oh my god, so much fun. | ||
| It's an Audi we're talking about. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| It's a spaceship on wheels. | ||
| What is an A7? It is a spaceship. | ||
| Yeah, rich guys talking about cars. | ||
| That's what the folks need in this world. | ||
| That's real change. | ||
| It's aspirational programming. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I'm sad. | ||
| I'm sad that it's just Obama. | ||
| I thought when Obama came into office that we were going to have like a real... | ||
| Wasn't there a moment where you really thought like... | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You know why I thought too? | ||
| And it wasn't because I believed the campaign. | ||
| I really believed that we would see change because his first campaign was funded by the people. | ||
| And, you know, again, money and politics is the root of so many evils. | ||
| Lobbyists, super PACs, all that shit is the root of so many evils that I thought like, here is a guy who's going to be beholden to us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because we put him there. | ||
| I personally donated. | ||
| He's a young guy. | ||
| He comes from a single mom. | ||
| He's half black. | ||
| He's been through the system. | ||
| He's not an elitist. | ||
| He's not some blue blood cunt that went to school in Connecticut. | ||
| Yeah, I thought this is our chance. | ||
| I thought this was really going to be a chance. | ||
| The Bush-Cheney administration was clearly evil. | ||
| I mean, you could be a Republican all day, ladies and gentlemen, if you are a fan of civil liberties, if you are a fan of people looking out for people, how the fuck could you be a fan of Even on the fiscal side, fiscal conservatism, they blew up the budget with unfunded wars and everything else. | ||
| So, pretty insane. | ||
| And it was pretty telling that none of them were at the RNC. Not a single one of them was trying to erase those memories. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| You would think that the last sitting president, the last sitting president, two-term president, would be someone that they would bring out. | ||
| No, they are avoiding any mention of George W. He might be insane by now. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| When was the last time we saw him get interviewed? | ||
| He might be out. | ||
| He's on a ranch right now. | ||
| He's doing fine. | ||
| I think there's got to be some disconnect. | ||
| In order for you to be a guy who's responsible for the death of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, there's got to be some sort of a disconnect. | ||
| And ultimately, I think that's probably what fucked Ronald Reagan's head over. | ||
| I think that it fucks up a lot of people. | ||
| Look, Johnny Cochran and Robert Kardashian, both those guys died young of brain tumors. | ||
| Okay, why? | ||
| Because they got O.J. Simpson off. | ||
| They know they did something evil. | ||
| Yeah, they know. | ||
| They know they did some evil shit. | ||
| I mean, you get brain tumors. | ||
| Two guys get brain tumors. | ||
| They die of... | ||
| I think they both got brain tumors. | ||
| Those are the guys? | ||
| Either way, they're both young. | ||
| They both died young. | ||
| I mean, your health pays a fucking price for that shit. | ||
| I'm not saying I wonder if there's been studies on that where people have to lie during a study or do something they believe is morally wrong and then they test their physical health to see if that knowledge, if those secrets weighs on them because it must. | ||
| I'm sure it does. | ||
| It has to have a load bear on your soul. | ||
| It's got to. | ||
| It fucks people over, man. | ||
| You've seen people's faces when they've gone through scandal and they're dealing with negative. | ||
| Negative energy becomes real. | ||
| Talk to Jamie Kilstein. | ||
| Negative energy will fucking come down on you for real. | ||
| Has there been a study on memory recall and... | ||
| Memory recall of those who are documenting an experience versus those who are actively participating in it. | ||
| Like, for example, if I'm at a concert or if I'm at any event and I'm too busy taking photos for Instagram and tweeting about it and snapping photos and whatever, yes, I can look at those memories and I have recall of those memories, but how active is my memory of that event and, you know, on what scale would I rate that experience versus being present and enjoying it? | ||
| It's extremely subjective. | ||
| Depends on the individual. | ||
| It depends on how they viewed the past, whether or not they've had traumatic experiences at any sort of event before, whether they've had a reason to look at things in great detail. | ||
| They've also shown that people can experience things. | ||
| And then if there's a certain amount of time where someone introduces something that didn't actually happen into their thoughts and then revisits it with the same information later, that these people will agree that something happened that didn't happen. | ||
| So they'll intentionally inject, especially during emotionally charged events, they'll intentionally inject some sort of a fake memory into someone's mind, and later that becomes real. | ||
| And that's what people have argued about O.J., that O.J. actually does believe that he didn't kill them after a while, that you might even be able to fucking pass a polygraph test after a certain time. | ||
| Oh, you can absolutely introduce false memories by asking leading questions. | ||
| About the guy in the white hat. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You know the guy in the white hat. | ||
| Oh, of course there was a guy in a white hat there because now you're asking me about that. | ||
| Well, you know that whole story about those people that were wrongly convicted of child molestation. | ||
| They were running a daycare center and they had talked all these kids into coming up with stories of someone touching them. | ||
| And it was all false. | ||
| It was all bullshit. | ||
| But they had introduced it into a child's brain. | ||
| And like, there's one thing to talk about memories and how tricky that can be. | ||
| Because on one hand, there are memories in my life that I have that I can tell you with absolutely no uncertainty whatsoever that I remember exactly what happened. | ||
| But there's some that I'm like, man, it's like a flash show in my head. | ||
| It's like a snapshot show. | ||
| I see like a slide here, a slide there. | ||
| And if I can interpolate that for you and say, well, in between slide A and slide B, this event happened, you might actually connect those dots and go, oh, I guess your event did happen because I could see that. | ||
| Being part of the progression. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| And things get recalibrated, too. | ||
| Like, I remember I had a particular image of the house where I grew up in, and then I went back and saw it recently, and I was like, oh yeah, okay, it was over here now. | ||
| Oh, it was this way. | ||
| You know, it was like, I had to recalibrate, and now I have the revised version. | ||
| I have all the... | ||
| The updated memory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I have everything put into place, but if you had made me, like, draw my street before, I might have fucked it up entirely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I might have had different people's houses on the wrong sides. | ||
| Oh, the bridge is over to the left. | ||
| Fuck, I thought it was over here. | ||
| You can twist shit up and make it real inside your stupid head. | ||
| Maybe that's one of the benefits of the upgrade when we're going to be able to videotape things. | ||
| Record everything 24-7? | ||
| Yeah, and it's going to start out with Google goggles and then work its way to a chip that you put in your eyeballs. | ||
| It'll be contact lens with OLED and then you won't even need the lens. | ||
| Who's going to be the first person that lets their eyes get cut out for some new eyeballs that we've invented that are way better? | ||
| That's going to happen. | ||
| I'm reading a book about that right now. | ||
| It's a fictional tale about a guy who loses his leg in a traumatic accident, but he's an engineer working at this future kind of biotech company. | ||
| So he designs a better leg and then gets addicted to the fact that his bionic leg has better features and can do certain things that his real leg can't. | ||
| So he cuts off his real leg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| The other one, so we can have two bionic legs, but then he's like, well, if my legs are better, why don't I cut off my arm? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And it's like, it's that whole cycle, repeating itself is fucking awesome. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, you would think the six million dollar man would not be happy with just a good right hand. | ||
| You know, he throws a shitty jab, and behind comes the right hand of doom that can punch right through your head. | ||
| There's a great video of people throwing baseballs with their non-dominant hands. | ||
| I don't know if you've seen it, but it's hilarious. | ||
| It's hilarious, like the weakling little throw and the awkward motion that if you try to do anything with your non-dominant hand... | ||
| We were talking about this the other day. | ||
| Do you guys think you can masturbate using your non-dominant hand? | ||
| I can. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Masturbation is just this. | ||
| It's not a lot of work. | ||
| It feels weird to me. | ||
| Playing pool left-handed is really fucking hard. | ||
| I play really good right-handed. | ||
| You're pretty much just jerking off with a cue stick, though. | ||
| That's that motion. | ||
| You were just doing a Euro grip. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not. | ||
| It's how you judge... | ||
| The plane of your arm. | ||
| You have to be in control of the speed of the motion. | ||
| There's a lot of fine motor skill movements going on there. | ||
| But it's nothing compared to drawing. | ||
| I can shoot pool. | ||
| I can make certain shots with my left hand. | ||
| I can't draw with my left hand at all. | ||
| Can you write? | ||
| Fucking barely. | ||
| It doesn't listen. | ||
| But every guy is ambidextrous when it comes to jerking off. | ||
| No, not really. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Come on! | ||
| Every guy can switch hit. | ||
| I can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| If there was nothing in front of me and I had my imagination with my right hand, I could do it. | ||
| My left hand, I think from scratch with nothing in front of me, I don't think I could even get a hard bracelet on your left hand. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| I know you could do it. | ||
| You would just have to be horny enough. | ||
| See, when you say from scratch, you're talking about your regular life, which you beat off like a fucking spider monkey every three or four hours. | ||
| You need a highly tuned jerk-off hand for that kind of beating up. | ||
| You're a guy who watches porn all the time. | ||
| You bang porn stars. | ||
| You got a lot of ridiculousness going on in your situation. | ||
| But if you were like a guy who couldn't ever get laid, and you didn't have access to porn, and you weren't jerking off, no fleshlights, and you went without beating off for like two weeks, and then someone said, here, here's a porno film, beat off with your left hand, you'd be like, fuck yeah! | ||
| You had Peter North all over your screen. | ||
| It just seems like it's really dead. | ||
| It doesn't feel like it has any feeling. | ||
| You've got to build that up, man. | ||
| You've got calluses on a new guitar player. | ||
| You've got to build it up. | ||
| It's like my joke that I had way, way, way back in the day about having a girl jerk you off. | ||
| Having a girl jerk you off trying to brush your teeth with your left hand. | ||
| It's like just clumsy, spastic, and that your right hand is a motherfucker. | ||
| Your right hand knows where the gum line is, and it gets that fast vibration, but your left hand, it's like you have to hold it still and move your face over to the brush, because your hand is so stupid. | ||
| It doesn't have a brush right. | ||
| That's why I baby bird with two sonic hairs every night, just so I can make sure I can double fist the I put a Q-tip in each ear, and I took a shit at the same time, and then I blacked out from ecstasy. | ||
| It was the most amazing feeling ever. | ||
| You cleared all your orifices at once. | ||
| It was this wonderful feeling. | ||
| There's a new toilet add-on that they're selling, the Squatty. | ||
| It's supposed to be like a thing that stores... | ||
| You stand on it, right? | ||
| No, you sit, but it elevates your legs so that you have more of a squatting posture, which relaxes the tract so that the shit can slide out easier. | ||
| And it's been scientifically proven that squatting... | ||
| I mean, we've done it for... | ||
| Years and years and years as a society until we have bowls to sit down on that it's more efficient, it's healthier for you. | ||
| Yeah, they still do it. | ||
| China, apparently. | ||
| Yeah, they still do it in many places. | ||
| But I just think that's, I wonder if that's gonna catch on. | ||
| The shitting platform. | ||
| People are so weird about fecal matter and biological movements in general. | ||
| Well, when Brian and I were in Japan, one of the things that we... | ||
| By the way, you guys sent me these toilets, and I gotta thank this company that sent me the toilet, because I don't have the information. | ||
| You already have one? | ||
| Yeah, they sent me two of them. | ||
| I haven't set them up yet, though. | ||
| Are they the ones with the heating, massaging, and the ass jet? | ||
| Yes, the whole deal. | ||
| And they will be at the new studio. | ||
| So Brian, when you take a shit at the new studio, you will be able to clean your... | ||
| Are they toeders? | ||
| They are called... | ||
| The company's called Brondell. | ||
| And it's B-R-O-N-D-E-L-L dot com. | ||
| And Brondell has... | ||
| They sent us two of these and they're fucking badass. | ||
| They're like Cadillacs for your ass cheeks. | ||
| Everybody should be shitting with them. | ||
| One in my home office and one in the studio and it will be dope as fuck. | ||
| You said new studio? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I got a new studio in Woodland Hills. | ||
| Congrats. | ||
| Yeah, thanks. | ||
| It's all set up. | ||
| It's fucking badass. | ||
| It's... | ||
| The lease is signed and now there's... | ||
| Equipment being built right now. | ||
| I'm hiring this dude, Eric, who created Brian's cat clock over there, the desk quad clock. | ||
| Yeah, it's dope. | ||
| He's a metal worker. | ||
| He's building me this custom whole thing. | ||
| Like a desk setup kind of thing? | ||
| And it's going to be cool because it's reclaimed wood. | ||
| We're using reclaimed farm oak. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Upcycling. | ||
| Yeah, not only that. | ||
| I like the fact that it's got... | ||
| Some life to it. | ||
| It's old. | ||
| People have been using this. | ||
| There's vibes in it. | ||
| I subscribe to this Rupert Sheldrake idea that even objects have some sort of memory. | ||
| They resonate and some energy has been pumped into them. | ||
| That's why the old recording studios, people are like, well, these albums have been recorded there. | ||
| And I'm like, that means something. | ||
| Those vibes and that energy was captured there. | ||
| Dude, I'm going to take you after this podcast is over into the main room of the comedy room here at the Ice House and you tell me if you don't feel vibes in this place. | ||
| This place is fucking magic. | ||
| The Ice House is a perfect example of a vortex of happiness. | ||
| So many people have laughed their fucking ass off in that room. | ||
| That room has a resonance, like a Don't you feel it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's really badass, by the way? | ||
| Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock were both at the Comedy Store last night. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| I was just walking in. | ||
| It's Trippin' Tuesday or whatever. | ||
| And I'm just like, holy shit, that's... | ||
| Eddie Murphy. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Were they on stage? | ||
| No, they were just hanging out watching comics. | ||
| Speaking of which, we've got to get Charlie back in here, man. | ||
| We haven't had Charlie in here in a while. | ||
| I've got to contact him. | ||
| That was one of my favorite episodes when he was telling the story about Mike Tyson. | ||
| He pulled up to Mike Tyson's house and he was playing with a fucking lion. | ||
| Charlie Murph is one of the greatest storytellers ever. | ||
| Last summer, I was in Hawaii with my family on vacation, and I ran into his cousin Rich at the resort. | ||
| I was like, what are you doing here? | ||
| He's like, Charlie's here. | ||
| Eddie's here. | ||
| And I hung out with Eddie. | ||
| I had lunch with Eddie Murphy and Charlie. | ||
| It was like, this is the weirdest thing ever. | ||
| For being a kid to watching Raw, and then all of a sudden I'm talking to Eddie Murphy about comedy. | ||
| I was like, whoa, this is bizarre, man. | ||
| We're just sitting there talking to him like, this is the strangest thing ever. | ||
| He was super nice, man. | ||
| I've heard Eddie Murphy could be a dick. | ||
| He couldn't have been nicer, man. | ||
| Maybe he was on vacation. | ||
| Well, he's on vacation in Hawaii with his family. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| I would hope he's a nice guy. | ||
| That was one of those things where I was talking and I was like, holy shit, I'm talking to Eddie Murphy. | ||
| This is legit. | ||
| When that moment happens, do you feel yourself projecting out of your body and getting lost in your own thoughts or do you keep it together pretty well and go, oh shit, I'm talking, but focus up. | ||
| This is a moment. | ||
| No, I stay in the moment. | ||
| There's like a little voice. | ||
| I'm like, shut up, bitch. | ||
| There's a six-year-old kid in cowboy pajama onesie. | ||
| Oh my god, Eddie Murphy! | ||
| Yeah, the kid who listened to his first CD when he was on Saturday Night Live. | ||
| It was a cassette back then. | ||
| His best work, in my opinion, wasn't even Delirious. | ||
| It was the album before Delirious. | ||
| Where he talks about putting an aftershave on his dick and washing his balls in the sink. | ||
| And his grandma came in, you lazy motherfucker, washing your dick in the sink. | ||
| You're too lazy to even take a bath. | ||
| You're washing your dick in the sink. | ||
| It's fucking funny, man. | ||
| There's a weird thing about, like, when I met Anthony Bourdain, it seemed silly, but I met him, it was a weird thing. | ||
| I was like, oh, this is fucking, I'm actually talking to Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| This is strange. | ||
| He had no reservations about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Oh, you did it! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| When you like somebody and then you meet them, it's real weird. | ||
| So when people meet me and they get weirded out, I'll go, dude, I've been there. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| Just get through it. | ||
| Ride it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You realize we're all just people. | |
| It just takes time. | ||
| That said, Kevin Smith for president. | ||
| That's who I'm voting in. | ||
| Kevin Smith? | ||
| Kevin Smith for president. | ||
| Is he running? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think I'm going to vote him in. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| Seems like you would run things fairly. | ||
| Ventura's running. | ||
| He started out from scratch. | ||
| He's my guy. | ||
| Everyone talks about Gary Johnson. | ||
| People even mention me. | ||
| I think Kevin Smith. | ||
| I say he's a good dude. | ||
| Let's put him as president. | ||
| You want to be his vice president? | ||
| Kevin Pereira, vice president? | ||
| Ventura was talking about running in 2016. Howard Stern is his running mate. | ||
| I think that's awesome. | ||
| Howard Stern is his right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| But Ventura is like, what's his record of everything from entertainer to book writer to government official to Navy SEAL? What about Tower 7? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's something they never bring up is Tower 7. So good! | |
| I was a Navy SEAL! I love it! | ||
| I want that! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tower 7! | |
| It's one step closer to President Camacho. | ||
| I think that he has a good grasp on the amount of fuckery in his government, but if you listen to the way he debated with Jimmy Norton when he went on the Opie and Anthony show, him and Jimmy Norton, you realize he's kind of a fuckhead. | ||
| He's got some fuckhead in him. | ||
| Don't they all? | ||
| Yeah, everybody does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't they all? | |
| Everybody does. | ||
| So this Brunel or Brunel? | ||
| We need to get them on mushrooms. | ||
| Was your Brunel a full toilet or is it one of those lids? | ||
| It's a lid. | ||
| It's just like the ones in Japan. | ||
| They take your regular lid off and they put this electronic ass clean in, biflamma jammy, warm water up your butt thing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| USB cable gets in there and cleans it all out. | ||
| And it's something that makes you realize, like, wow. | ||
| Why are we so gross with our smearing poo paper? | ||
| Because that's all it is. | ||
| We need the three seashells. | ||
| We all need to have our asses cleaned like that. | ||
| It would probably be like way healthy. | ||
| That's what a good girlfriend is for. | ||
| Muslims make fun of them. | ||
| Muslims make fun of them. | ||
| Yeah, that's when you really love a chick, when you shit in front of her. | ||
| I've seen guys shit in front of their girlfriends. | ||
| I was like, I've never been that comfortable with somebody. | ||
| A real relationship, you do it on her. | ||
| I mean, just chest and plastic wrap and just get it going. | ||
| Okay, Stallone. | ||
| I think the rumors of Stallone, even if they were true, it's like, I've seen it all! | ||
| You want to fucking shock me? | ||
| Shit on my chest! | ||
| You have to read The Dirt, man. | ||
| When they're putting hotel room phones into women's assholes and trying to order room service by yelling into them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| This is in the Motley Crue book? | ||
| It's a great book. | ||
| Again, not even a fan of Motley Crue, but the shit they did. | ||
| If it's on Audible, it's absolutely worth listening to. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine you're the next person in that fucking hotel room and you go to pick up dessert. | ||
| I'm getting weird about hotel rooms now. | ||
| You should be weird. | ||
| Yeah, the remote control and the bedspread. | ||
| Not the sheets, but the bedspread. | ||
| How many naked dudes have just beat off there? | ||
| How many remote controls have been up someone's ass? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I don't have to clean this. | ||
| I'll put that there. | ||
| Right up their ass. | ||
| Spider-Man. | ||
| Yeah, bent over trying to use the remote from inside your ass with your sphincter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I do a kegel, I can watch pay-per-view. | ||
| The thing is still pointing outward, right? | ||
| You've got the IR beam coming out of the butthole. | ||
| Squeeze it with your ass to get the right numbers. | ||
| Time to check out. | ||
| This fucking podcast is in the toilet, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's where it should be. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| That's where it should be right now. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| And I don't like to say literally. | ||
| Kevin Smith for president, folks. | ||
| Let's get this trending. | ||
| Let's make it. | ||
| That Kevin Smith on Twitter, he's a good fucking dude. | ||
| He could run things. | ||
| I'll vote for Kevin Pereira. | ||
| Kevin Pereira and Kevin Smith. | ||
| That was my point. | ||
| We'll bring the two of them together. | ||
| Dual ticket. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I'll watch from the sidelines. | ||
| No, we need you out there. | ||
| Preaching the word. | ||
| We need the Death Squad support. | ||
| I'll do it through Twitter. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| I'll preach through Twitter. | ||
| Preach the revolution. | ||
| And occasionally YouTube. | ||
| And I'll... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| We can go to Kevin Rose's sex parties. | ||
| We'll help you when you launch your new podcast on the Death Squad Network next week. | ||
| Kevin Pereira, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| New top ten podcast. | ||
| I got shit to plug. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Get introduced into the fucking Matrix. | ||
| We're going to change things, folks, from the ground floor. | ||
| Will Onnit sponsor me? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Take it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Done. | |
| Done. | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| Let's fucking bring this bitch home. | ||
| Kevin, you're an animal, a great human being. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| You're a fucking fantastic guest. | ||
| Always a pleasure. | ||
| It was like we're about to run out of time on Ustream, but it's like we could do another six hours of this shit. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| We've got to do this more often. | ||
| We've got to do a marathon. | ||
| We're going to. | ||
| You're going to have your own podcast. | ||
| I'm going to do yours. | ||
| You're going to do mine. | ||
| We're going to keep this party rolling this weekend, you fucking savages in North Carolina. | ||
| We will be in Raleigh at Memorial Hall Friday night, which is... | ||
| What's today? | ||
| The 26th? | ||
| The 28th. | ||
| Friday the 28th of September at Memorial Hall in Raleigh and then Saturday night. | ||
| We're at the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina. | ||
| Asheville, I hear that's a bad motherfucking town. | ||
| Except for the white dudes with dreadlocks and the drum circles. | ||
| I hear that shit's gotta go! | ||
| So what we need to do is get to Asheville and introduce those kids to some fucking squats. | ||
| Some deep squats and some bison meat, okay? | ||
| Put the tofu down! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| If you don't eat bisons, they just rot or monsters come and eat them. | ||
| And then we get more monsters eating bisons. | ||
| Whatever can kill a bison, you don't want that fucking thing around, okay? | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Kill the bison yourself. | ||
| Keep the population in line. | ||
| Have a good steak. | ||
| Build that testosterone. | ||
| Do hill sprints. | ||
| I want you to do some sandbag training. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Start taking jujitsu, my friend! | |
| Trying to make some armies here. | ||
| And the only way the army really is going to work is if they're smart, so they've got to take the alpha brain. | ||
| Go to onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Get yourself some alpha brain. | ||
| Thanks again to audible.com for sponsoring this podcast. | ||
| And if you go to audible.com forward slash Joe, you can try Audible free for 30 days and get a free audio book. | ||
| There's a lot of good ones. | ||
| Fuck, what was the one? | ||
| The Bobcat Goldthwait. | ||
| Bobcat Goldthwait's got a couple of good books up there too. | ||
| He is a brilliant motherfucker. | ||
| And he's a great guy. | ||
| We had him on the podcast. | ||
| We love him. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Okay, so we will see you next week. | ||
| We've got a ton of podcast guests next week, including Amber Lyon, formerly of CNN. She's awesome. | ||
| She's going to tell us what the fuck is going on in this crazy, wacky world of the media. | ||
| We also have the guys from London Real. | ||
| And London Real is a great podcast that has been, they've said themselves, they were inspired by this one. | ||
| And that's what made them start it. | ||
| And they're doing a fucking amazing job. | ||
| They've had Graham Hancock on and Simon Powell and a bunch of really interesting people. | ||
| We've talked a lot about psychedelics and martial arts and philosophies. | ||
| It's very, very similar to this show in a lot of ways and really interesting, introspective, honest dudes. | ||
| So they will be on next week as well. | ||
| And we're fucking, we got shit rolling, bitches. | ||
| Can I sneak in a 10 second plug? | ||
| I totally forgot to. | ||
| Let's ask America.tv. | ||
| It's a new game show that I'm doing, syndicated telepictures. | ||
| It's only in a few markets, but if you guys go there, click on the YouTube link, watch the first episode or two. | ||
| You might not like it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's a fun, silly game show. | ||
| You should fucking be on it. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| You play from home using Skype. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| So any of your audience can sign up. | ||
| And I've seen dudes win $50,000 in 20 minutes. | ||
| I've hosted a show and handed out 50 grand for having an opinion about America. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| On your webcam. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's a brand new game show. | ||
| I'm having a blast doing it. | ||
| So what would I do? | ||
| Would I be a judge or something? | ||
| No, you could be a contestant. | ||
| I could be a contestant? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you'd probably have to play for charity, but... | ||
| I'll play for charity. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Okay, you'll pick a good charity. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| Okay, beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Let's ask America about that TV. Hopefully we'll get Ian Edwards back next week. | ||
| Ian's a fucking hilarious comedian. | ||
| He should be here today, but honestly, Kevin Perry's a better guest. | ||
| But Ian's a great guy. | ||
| No, Ian's a great guy. | ||
| What the fuck is that shit? | ||
| Check out my new podcast. | ||
| You know why he's a better guest? | ||
| Because he's here. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He didn't have to fuck. | ||
| Cancel that flight, bitch. | ||
| You got a flight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cancel that! | |
| Change it. | ||
| Move it around. | ||
| Don't cancel the podcast. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Millions of people listening to this shit. | ||
| This is for you. | ||
| It's disrespectful, Joe, and I'm sorry that it happened. | ||
| It's for all of us together. | ||
| We are all in this dirty thing together, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Remember, if I can tell you anything, give you any piece of advice, is you can be the hero of your own story. | ||
| If your life was a movie, and it started right now... | ||
| Act like you're the hero. | ||
| Get shit done. | ||
| Do what the hero would do. | ||
| And you will have a beautiful life. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| See you soon. | ||
| Next week. | ||
| Maybe I'll see you this weekend if you live in North Carolina. | ||
| If you're fucking crazy enough to just travel there. | ||
| I have a Death Squad show here Friday, by the way. | ||
| Tickets are on sale. | ||
| Who's on? | ||
| Who's on the show? | ||
| It's a secret! | ||
| You gotta say who's on the show. | ||
| No, it's a secret right now. | ||
| You know it's gonna be quality because it's Death Squad. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| I'm part of the family now. | ||
| You don't know who's on. | ||
| Actually, I know a couple other people. | ||
| I'm still waiting on a couple people. | ||
| This guy TBD, he's fucking hilarious. | ||
| You're gonna be on it? | ||
| You're going to be on it? | ||
| I'm going to be on it. | ||
| Randy Littke's going to be on it. | ||
| And it's a really hilarious comic named Al Jackson that was on a few of Ari Shafir's podcasts. | ||
| I just met him last night and it seems really funny. | ||
| If you want to listen to Ari Shafir's podcast, it's called The Skeptic Tank. | ||
| You can get that shit on iTunes. | ||
| Joey Diaz is the church of what's happening now. | ||
| You can get that on iTunes as well. | ||
| Tom Segura, our boy, and his wife, Christina Pazitzky, the very funny and beautiful Christina Pazitzky. | ||
| You can get them. | ||
| Their podcast is called Your Mom's House. | ||
| That is also available on iTunes. | ||
| All this shit is free. | ||
| And, of course, the Duncan Trussell Family Hour. | ||
| That is the Death Squad Universe, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And we'll see you guys soon. | ||
| We love you all. | ||
| We feel it. | ||
| We're moving in this thing together. | ||
| Somehow or another, we will make it all better or not. | ||
| Or it doesn't matter. | ||
| It goes on forever. | ||
| It repeats itself. | ||
| It's a fucking endless cycle. | ||
| See you on the next cycle, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! |
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