Sept. 12, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:42:40
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Oh, we're already live? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Damn, watch me tweet and talk at the same time. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of guitar players that can do that. | ||
| Tweet and guitar? | ||
| Yeah, they can sing and talk at the same time. | ||
| Me, I can't even type and talk at the same time. | ||
| And I don't have to keep any kind of... | ||
| I spell experience wrong. | ||
| How do you sing and talk at the same time? | ||
| It seems impossible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because sing... | |
| I mean, sing and play guitar at the same time. | ||
| But they'll also play guitar and keep playing the song and then talk to you about something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, oh no man, when you get down there you need to make a left and they're still playing the exact song. | ||
| Their brain can do both at the same time. | ||
| Yeah, it's like drummers. | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| Or a drummer has one beat on one leg, one beat on the other leg. | ||
| Dude, how goddamn impressive is Dice's kid? | ||
| Yeah, Max. | ||
| Max is a fucking beast. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| God, dude. | ||
| We had Max Silverstein. | ||
| He came on the show with Dice, and we played a video of it. | ||
| And I had seen him do it live when we went to Dice's show, because his band does a song before Dice comes out. | ||
| So I knew that the kid could play the drums, but there's a video of him at the comedy lab next to the improv. | ||
| And whose show was it on? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
| The fucking kid's insane. | ||
| I mean, he's not just good at the drums. | ||
| He's sick. | ||
| I mean, he looks like a fucking professional. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, it's amazing, man. | ||
| The hand-eye coordination is ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, he fucking goes off on this solo, and he nails it. | ||
| He nails it perfect. | ||
| And it's one of those moments where you're like, that kid's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| That kid could be a bad motherfucker at all. | ||
| Anything he wants. | ||
| Anything he wants. | ||
| His fucking dad did a great job raising him, man. | ||
| That kid loves his father. | ||
| That is a beautiful thing to watch, Dyson and his kid. | ||
| For real. | ||
| He loves his fucking kids, man. | ||
| And they love him. | ||
| And they're all empowered. | ||
| Like, his son is super confident. | ||
| Young and strong and smart. | ||
| He's fucking got a real shot. | ||
| A real shot. | ||
| Without anybody's help. | ||
| Just from talent. | ||
| Just from, you know, the ability to play drums like that. | ||
| You can do that. | ||
| I really believe you can apply that shit to anything. | ||
| And if you go to Onnit and you keep on code Rogan... | ||
| You get yourself some alpha brain and learn to function on my level, son. | ||
| So seamless. | ||
| People will make fun of me for this alpha brain, but you can all go fuck yourself. | ||
| If you take it and you don't see any results, I think there's something wrong with your brain. | ||
| You need to go to a doctor. | ||
| You need to find out. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| You got that from Onnit. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| Tommy Buns. | ||
| He just held up his arms and showed his fucking little apples. | ||
| Throwing guns around this room. | ||
| Chucking guns around this room. | ||
| No, so for real, what is Alpha Brain? | ||
| It's all best explained on Onnit.com because it was written by sober people, first of all, and second of all, people who understand science other than my level of understanding, which is repeating shit that other people understand, but I don't ever really understand. | ||
| Do you believe in evolution? | ||
| Well, I think there is certainly a lot of evidence for natural selection and adaptation, and that it's most likely the way things have evolved. | ||
| But there's some holes in it. | ||
| There's some holes? | ||
| Yeah, we'll talk about it. | ||
| Yeah, happy question for a commercial. | ||
| We'll talk about this in the middle of a commercial. | ||
| Hey man, I thought that's the way this shit rolls here. | ||
| I want to thank audit.com for supporting us. | ||
| We got hacked recently, folks, and we had to severely upgrade our technical system, whoever it is, that the website interfaces with. | ||
| I learned something new, by the way, on passwords. | ||
| If you use a regular word as a password and maybe a number, that's okay. | ||
| But the hardest thing that would take, I forget, 32 years for a computer to hack is if you just take three random words and put them together. | ||
| Like taco... | ||
| Fart handicap or something like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and that way the computer will never... | ||
| Just the odds that it will get to that point is like 32 years. | ||
| Yeah, but then they'll just have a new computer search engine. | ||
| They'll be like, yeah, what, bitch? | ||
| And they'll nail it quicker. | ||
| What about the capital and then lowercase thing? | ||
| I don't think that matters at all. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's like zero. | ||
| Most things aren't case sensitive. | ||
| But either way, onnit.com is spelled O-N-N-I-T. And if you go there... | ||
| And today is the 11th, September 11th. | ||
| And if you go there for one more day, use the code GOTYOURBACK and you get 18% off of everything. | ||
| That includes kettlebells and battle ropes. | ||
| Because normally the coupon code of Rogan only works for the supplements. | ||
| It doesn't work for the kettlebells and the battle ropes. | ||
| The reason being is that we sell those literally as cheap as is humanly possible. | ||
| But because of this fuck up, because of the fact that everybody feels terrible that... | ||
| This website got hacked. | ||
| We don't know whether or not anybody's credit card information got compromised. | ||
| So far, no one has reported any what they call substantiated fraud, I think they call it. | ||
| But whatever it is, some scumbags figured out a way to get into our system. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| It's just, I don't understand the way they do it. | ||
| I'm completely talking like I'm explaining French to you, though I don't speak French. | ||
| So I can never really comment. | ||
| But as far as I know, I mean, it's really, I think, for a lot of these guys, it's fun to see how they can sneak into systems, even if they're not stealing anything. | ||
| I think there's script kids that are just really bright, and they figure out how to sneak into your system. | ||
| It's all the games to hunt, man. | ||
| They're like... | ||
| I'm trying to see how far they can get. | ||
| I did some hacker-ish the other day, but I'll talk on the podcast. | ||
| Let me just get through with this. | ||
| So because of that, everybody's very bummed out about that, that the credit card information's been compromised. | ||
| If you go to onnit.com forward slash breach, it'll explain all that. | ||
| It's just an unfortunate aspect of doing business on the internet. | ||
| We apologize. | ||
| Nobody foresaw it this way. | ||
| We've beefed up the security considerably So hopefully it won't happen again And whoever hacks us, please don't do that, thanks You don't have to do that, that's mean I know you can do it, okay We know you can do it, please don't do it I don't want anybody to get caught And go to jail for something stupid like that And if that's how you're making your money How dare you, go get a fucking respectable job You son of a bitch, you're stealing numbers from offline You can't do that I'm a big fan of you guys, whoever you are I want to give a shout out | ||
| Powerful shout-out to Anonymous, Lulsec, shout-out to the hackers of the world. | ||
| Yeah, man, look, there's a certain amount of morals that are on the internet when it comes to how things get done as well. | ||
| There's a moral attitude of the internet that I think more mirrors society than it does the shit that you see on television, the shit that you see in the news. | ||
| When anything goes down, the difference between, like, damn, we shouldn't do this in a commercial. | ||
| Let's get through this. | ||
| JoeRogan.net. | ||
| That's my website. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com. | ||
| Use, oh, the other phone? | ||
| Yeah, that's not for today, though. | ||
| They're not sponsoring us today. | ||
| Oh, fuck that. | ||
| It's only a part-time thing with the Ting. | ||
| We're just trying it out, seeing how it works. | ||
| The phone is phenomenal, though. | ||
| The Samsung Galaxy S3 is the shit. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| It's sexy looking. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's really great. | ||
| It's got a little hiccup here and there, but it's really special. | ||
| I need a new phone. | ||
| It's a special phone. | ||
| What's the queefs about it? | ||
| It just seems like... | ||
| I think the iPhone is a really well-designed phone, man. | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
| Is that tomorrow that it comes out? | ||
| The touch screen, first of all, is better than anything on the planet. | ||
| The best touch screen. | ||
| The quality of it feels better than anything. | ||
| When you have the case on an iPhone and you just feel that metal in glass, it's like the sexiest piece of equipment ever. | ||
| But you've got to walk around with a condom on it. | ||
| Because, you know, it's so breakable. | ||
| But it's still super duper fucking sexy. | ||
| I mean, you hold on to that thing? | ||
| I mean, feel that. | ||
| That's a genius piece of device. | ||
| And so, that phone is always a little better than everything I've tried. | ||
| The way it interfaces, just cleaner, smarter, makes more sense, easier to find shit. | ||
| It's just better. | ||
| It's like our Tiffany jewelry. | ||
| I think my phone really started taking a shit the most today. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And it's totally because it comes out tomorrow. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Yeah, Apple's sending out darts. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Electronic darts. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| Go to O-N-N-I-T. We've got to get this podcast started. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We're not brought to you by anybody else. | ||
| Go to deskwad.tv, though, and pick up some funky, sexy cat shirts. | ||
| It has been proven that you're 20% more likely to get your penis touched if you're wearing a deskwad cat shirt. | ||
| 20%. | ||
| 43% with alcohol. | ||
| You add a desk watch shirt and alcohol and someone's going to touch your penis. | ||
| And this is a blind study. | ||
| Yeah, it's like 3 out of 5 times someone's touching your penis. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| I feel good for you. | ||
| I feel like the odds are strong. | ||
| Tom Segura's here, you dirty bitches. | ||
| Let's get it poppin', Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Oh, sweetness. | ||
| this. | ||
| Tommy Bunz in the fucking house, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| It's good to be back. | ||
| It's good to have you, buddy. | ||
| We're about to just talk nonsense and go through a commercial, and Tommy Bunz hits me with, do you believe in evolution? | ||
| Oh, I do. | ||
| I like throwing heavy-handed questions at people, man. | ||
| That's a fucking right-hand bomb to open the round. | ||
| Well, it's just funny to me, because I was watching this thing about, and this guy was like, this guy fucking believes that evolution should be taught in the classrooms? | ||
| And it was like a political ad like that, and I was like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Like, that appeals to somebody that are like, yeah, fuck that guy. | ||
| He thinks evolution should be taught? | ||
| This guy's a fucking asshole! | ||
| You're like, really? | ||
| There's actually enough people that believe I'm not a science expert, so I don't want anyone to think like... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Oh, you're about to get... | ||
| You're not a science expert? | ||
| I know, I mean... | ||
| At what point do you become an expert? | ||
| Because if you were just you and you lived in the 1400s, you'd be a fucking science expert. | ||
| You're probably right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'd be like, electricity is God's way of showing you his anger. | |
| You're like, well, no, actually, it's just some shit that's formed by the clouds and the atmosphere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| My president. | ||
| You'd be a fucking scientist. | ||
| You could explain so much shit to these people. | ||
| Well, actually, I would just know it and not know how to explain it. | ||
| They would just be like... | ||
| No, no, you'd draw it. | ||
| You'd draw it. | ||
| No, the Earth's round. | ||
| And they'd be like, how do you know? | ||
| I'd be like, because I've seen pictures. | ||
| You would work with those people for a couple days and you'd be so annoyed. | ||
| You're like, listen, you have to listen to me. | ||
| I'm your new king. | ||
| And I'm going to show you how to build an airplane. | ||
| They'd be like, an airplane? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Get some wood. | ||
| Get some wood. | ||
| I'm going to show you. | ||
| You need... | ||
| This has got to be straight like that. | ||
| Think like a bird, but then with a tail up in the air. | ||
| There's air drafts from above and below. | ||
| People would go, where did you get this idea from? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| They just come to me. | ||
| They just come to me. | ||
| You draw like bows and arrows for them. | ||
| Does that mean that Da Vinci was like from the future and went to the past? | ||
| I think Da Vinci was... | ||
| He had too many ideas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what people love to say when there's a guy like Da Vinci? | ||
| What? | ||
| They go... | ||
| And I wanted to just say it. | ||
| Just out of instinct He probably had like Asperger's or something Probably autistic They always want to say something like that Like that there's no way You could be That brilliant And not be fucked up Like I'm not willing to believe it You know I don't think that I mean He being like I almost agree that like I don't think you could Go to Da Vinci and be like How do you like your eggs man And he'd be like You know actually I think he would be Talking about all kinds of weird shit | ||
| He would be like thinking about what you would look like if you cleaved you in half and pulled you out and could he draw those two sides? | ||
| Do you want to donate your body like today? | ||
| And you're like, no, I'm not dead yet. | ||
| Did you ever see that exhibit, that Body Works exhibit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Where they take human bodies? | ||
| We went together. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| That shit is creepy as fuck, dude. | ||
| And they were stopping us from taking pictures, remember? | ||
| They told us to put our phones away. | ||
| I had to take camera pictures on the sneak tip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, with like no flash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The horse. | |
| Remember the horse? | ||
| They had this like real horse that had been like... | ||
| Well, what was fucked up was that if you did this, if you haven't seen it, folks, the Body Works exhibit is an exhibit where they take a bunch of dead bodies and through some new method of somehow or another coating them with plastic and infusing plastic into the muscles, it doesn't change the appearance, but it completely stops them from decaying. | ||
| So it's really creepy. | ||
| And they give you different layers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they give you like full muscle. | ||
| They think they have an abortion cut in like seven pieces. | ||
| Yeah, that's what's really fucked up is the clinical aspect of the dissection of the bodies on display was a little disturbing because it was almost like butcher-esque. | ||
| It's like if this was a guy's basement, you would want him locked up forever. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| This guy would be one of the most horrific serial killers and twisted fucks ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You would want this motherfucker locked up forever. | ||
| But you can do it, and somehow because you've involved plastic, which means that it's been, like, government-sanctioned or something, now you can just display these dead bodies, and people can come and pay. | ||
| Like, where did you get these bodies exactly? | ||
| I mean, it's not even under heavy scrutiny. | ||
| Yeah, some of them had bullet wounds or something in them. | ||
| Some with bullet holes. | ||
| Is that exhibit even still around? | ||
| It's got a smell by now. | ||
| The one that I saw, I saw it in Vegas. | ||
| It was at, I think it was at the Luxor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, you saw it in Vegas? | ||
| Yeah, and at the end... | ||
| That would be too much sadness for one day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| That's depressing. | ||
| At the end, they said that all the bodies in that exhibit were from China. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They were all Chinese. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| Because when you're from a country that has been known to do some really horrific things to like prisoners and shit and pretty questionable track record when it comes to human rights. | ||
| Well, it doesn't seem to be that there's that many of them in China. | ||
| Or rather, that there's too many of them in China. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That there's so many people that in some areas the overpopulation has gotten to a point where they've sort of devalued life in a lot of ways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, when you start hearing the stories about them, you know, forcing them to only have one child, and so there's terrible stories of families drowning Chinese girls. | ||
| I mean, it's really horrific because they want a boy. | ||
| I mean, it's just fucking crazy. | ||
| I don't know if that's propaganda, though, so I really honestly shouldn't be... | ||
| I know outside of the major cities, out in the countryside, which is hundreds of millions of people, there's extreme poverty, there's extreme literacy, there's not any healthcare or anything. | ||
| It's just hundreds of millions of people outside of the major cities. | ||
| I mean, that kind of poor, I mean, we just haven't figured that out yet. | ||
| I don't think most Americans have really put that into their head, like that level, the level of poverty that exists in other countries. | ||
| We have extreme poverty, but it's not really what you see. | ||
| We have horrific poverty, but even just existing in a welfare state is way better than a giant chunk of the world has access to. | ||
| If you think about what it would be like if you just had a shit roll of the dice and you wound up in Nigeria. | ||
| You're a baby in Nigeria. | ||
| And it's just flies and mosquitoes and malaria. | ||
| And a dude's got a hyena on a chain. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Most of Africa is... | ||
| Crazy! | ||
| It's a wild, crazy place, man. | ||
| I just got back from there. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| I was just in South Africa. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You were doing gigs out there. | ||
| Yeah, it was awesome. | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| People were so nice. | ||
| Crowds were fucking awesome. | ||
| And then I met other Africans that were in South Africa, and I learned that's the destination. | ||
| If you live in Botswana, Mozambique, Namibia, you go like, I want to go to South Africa. | ||
| That is the... | ||
| The crown, jewel, because that's the most developed by far. | ||
| By far. | ||
| By far. | ||
| And when I was in a casino walking through it with this comic who was from, I think he was from former, what is he from? | ||
| Nigeria or somewhere. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Mozambique, I think. | ||
| And I was like, so what's your country like? | ||
| He was like, man. | ||
| He's like, you know how you picture Africa? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| He's like, that's what it's like. | ||
| Like it's fucking open terrain and animals and tribal shit. | ||
| And he goes, this shit right here, the casino, the only thing like this in my country is like where the king lives. | ||
| Like that's it. | ||
| There's no shit like this at all. | ||
| That's gotta be so weird to have one city that's like on top of the ball and everything else is just barely keeping it together. | ||
| Barely keeping it together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was an awesome experience. | ||
| People were so fun to go. | ||
| What was the crowd like? | ||
| So good. | ||
| Very, like, mixed crowds and just juiced for the shows. | ||
| I mean, I would say out of 15, 16... | ||
| How'd your black jokes go? | ||
| Fucking killed. | ||
| LAUGHTER They understand American black humor? | ||
| Totally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They got it. | ||
| They totally get it. | ||
| They got everything. | ||
| They got everything, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you find them to be into harsh material? | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| All the local guys, we saw some South African comics, and a lot of them have very political material. | ||
| And because it's a very politically charged atmosphere. | ||
| You know, you think about that, like, they got democracy in 94. So it's kind of like us, you know, you just fast forward, like, you know, like the 60s and 70s were really politically charged in America, right? | ||
| And then, you know, theirs is like, it's fresh. | ||
| So that's what everybody talks about. | ||
| They talk about politics and things going on, but it's like South African politics. | ||
| And then we go in and we'll talk about the mundane, just silly, observational shit. | ||
| And some of the local guys were saying that's so unusual for them. | ||
| That somebody would just talk about some small observation they made. | ||
| Because it's all about making an impact with your observation about what's really going on in the world or in the country right now. | ||
| So everybody's a preacher? | ||
| I mean, there's a lot. | ||
| He said that you can go to a stand-up show in South Africa that's all locals, and they'll all hit on political shit. | ||
| He said that's not uncommon at all. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Is it funny? | ||
| There's this guy, David Kao, is a South African comic, and he was fucking tremendous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| I didn't even know what, like, he was like, you know when somebody's really good, and you don't necessarily get the reference, but you laugh anyways? | ||
| Like, you don't even, you're like, you don't know, like, I don't even know what that was. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But you still laugh? | ||
| Just because it's just timing, it's just funny. | ||
| Yeah, it was like that, and he fucking did it. | ||
| Devastated the place. | ||
| It was all about current shit in South Africa. | ||
| I wonder if that would translate if he did the US. I don't think it would. | ||
| I don't think the act would. | ||
| But I think he's good enough where he would just... | ||
| Well, that was something that never happened with the Boston guys. | ||
| There was a bunch of guys from Boston. | ||
| Boston, like no other place, does local material. | ||
| My first 20 minutes was all local material, because you knew it would work. | ||
| First of all, there was a lot of really funny shit about Boston, and people from Boston love laughing about Boston. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that everybody that was really strong had such a Boston-centric act. | ||
| Like Steve Sweeney in Boston, I'll put him up there with the greatest stand-up performances of all time. | ||
| I'm telling you, Steve Sweeney in Boston in the 80s used to lay them down, dude. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Like he was bowling strikes, crushing with this Boston material. | ||
| And he's just such a funny guy. | ||
| He's just such a funny guy. | ||
| And he had been through the hard Boston club scene for over a decade before I ever saw him. | ||
| I mean, he was just a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And that guy, when he would go to California, he would lose a big chunk of his act because he couldn't talk about that shit anymore. | ||
| It was so frustrating to me. | ||
| It was like, man, you could do that about anything. | ||
| If you could hit that level of comedy, he could do that with anything. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing about that. | ||
| Everybody thought this, by the way. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| Christina was on the show, too. | ||
| Finesse Mitchell, Ian Bagg, Mitch Fatale, Brian Hainer. | ||
| And we all watched David and we're like, he just goes to the States. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And fucking, like, you know, he'd need to work. | ||
| Like kind of week after week. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And if he did that for just a few months, he would put together a stellar fucking act, I'm sure. | ||
| Well, I think now, especially because of the internet, the guys that are coming up over the next ten years, there's a lot of good guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I think that... | ||
| A lot of these good, young, up-and-coming stand-ups have had a chance to see so many good acts online, so that even if they're in their area, and their area's not so good... | ||
| I'm not mentioning names, but there's some places you'll go and like, oh, he's the funniest local guy, you should have him open for you, and you have the guy open for you, and he's fucking deaf. | ||
| Just nonsense, and just bad, hacky tricks, and you're like, oh... | ||
| Christ! | ||
| But if you're in that community, all you really need is stage time. | ||
| If you've got, like, access to, you know, you can watch the Kinison archives, you can see Bill Hicks stuff, you can see Stan Hope, you can see David Tell, you can see Norton, you can see all these different comics online, you can sort of get into, what do you enjoy? | ||
| What do you enjoy? | ||
| I know you don't enjoy what that guy's doing. | ||
| So instead of thinking about, like, the hacky stuff that's in your neighborhood, you have access to all this stuff. | ||
| Whereas in the 80s when I started out, there was no access to that other than CDs and cassettes. | ||
| It wasn't as immediate. | ||
| It was way more difficult to create a scene or to get good without a good scene around you. | ||
| I think because I always feel like I'm only as good as... | ||
| The guys that I see around me on a regular basis and the guys that I perform with on a regular basis. | ||
| Yeah, so if you're stuck somewhere where you don't see a lot of good shit, it definitely would affect your game. | ||
| Yeah, because when I see someone really good, like when someone's staying up in town or when I see Diaz go up and kill or Atal or someone I really respect when I see their act, I get so charged up. | ||
| It gives me energy to make things. | ||
| It definitely is. | ||
| Yeah, that little juice, that little squirt of just some push to get you forward. | ||
| That's so important for us. | ||
| There's nothing like seeing great stand-up. | ||
| When you're a stand-up, you see somebody great at the show you're at, and you're like, fuck, man. | ||
| I'm not a fan of watching stand-up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When I'm at the comedy clubs, I try not to watch anybody. | ||
| I don't watch a lot of stand-up, but if I know there's somebody either I want to see or somebody I know, And I'm like, oh, like a friend of mine or somebody who's like, you know, this person's really good. | ||
| I don't sit through whole shows, but I'll watch that person, and sometimes it is like, man, that's fucking so exciting. | ||
| You get pumped up about it. | ||
| You're like, that's awesome. | ||
| You get like, it makes you want to work. | ||
| I could watch Joey Diaz do a thousand sets in a row. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Well, yeah, there's definitely certain people, but if I'm at the improv or whatever, the Ice House, and there's all these comics going up, I don't like sitting there watching them, because it seems like, to me, I'm too scared of going there and then having something in the back of my head from somebody else. | ||
| It seems like that's really easy to do. | ||
| I get bored and I get anxiety when I sit around and I'm just watching a Just comic after comic who I'm not. | ||
| You get anxiety? | ||
| I get like, man, I can't sit here right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I just get like, I'm like, I gotta get up. | ||
| I gotta, I can't sit through this. | ||
| If I think it's like, if I sit and it's like, I'm a minute in and I'm like, oh, this is not gonna be, this is not good. | ||
| I have to get up and leave. | ||
| You can't watch bad stand-up, is what you're saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't do it, man. | |
| So you can watch, like, Louis C.K. For fucking hours. | ||
| But you can't watch a bunch of, like, I want to say any names, but there's a certain group of people that, you know, you've seen them do stand-up and you're never going to understand it, but yet they're still bumping around, and you might, like, be in the back of the room one day, and they're on stage, and you almost have a heart attack. | ||
| Fucking up and out. | ||
| You've got to get out of the room. | ||
| They'll infect you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'll infect you. | |
| I think, yeah, they will. | ||
| Well, do you know, there's a real thought behind that. | ||
| It sounds crazy, but it's, there's a, in schizophrenics, something happens to schizophrenics, and I believe it's called allophrenia, and it's a very rare situation where people will go to visit crazy people and become crazy while they visited them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they don't know exactly what it is. | ||
| And they think it might be hormonal. | ||
| It might be something in the way you interact with this person. | ||
| But it has happened before where people have gone in to visit people who are fucking crazy. | ||
| And all of a sudden people are like, we're going to have to keep an eye on you. | ||
| And then boom. | ||
| So it's just like, almost like the association with that person. | ||
| It could be that they were just always crazy as fuck. | ||
| Nobody just pulled it out of there. | ||
| But it could be like, you're with them. | ||
| It's almost like when you, what's it called? | ||
| When you, like, Stockholm Syndrome? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where you start to, like, sympathize with your kidnapper? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But I mean, like, it's like you, there's a certain exposure to that person that starts to affect you, like, on a deeper level. | ||
| I don't know enough about how humans affect each other to really. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I was in college, I was in psych 101. | ||
| Our teacher one day, we were talking about, you know, you're going through all the basics and then he gets to schizophrenia. | ||
| And he's like, okay, he writes it on the board. | ||
| He's like, schizophrenia is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. | ||
| And then this kid in our class raised his hand and he's like, yep. | ||
| And he's like, I have schizophrenia. | ||
| I don't think it's the worst thing that could ever happen. | ||
| And we were all like, oh, you just pissed off the schizophrenic guy. | ||
| And then he's like, well, what I meant was there are different stages of schizophrenia and that the worst one Is the worst thing that could happen to you? | ||
| Which one do you have? | ||
| And he's like, I have a less severe... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, oh yeah, that's not what I meant. | |
| Nice. | ||
| It'd be really bad. | ||
| Nice backpedal. | ||
| I'm trying to find the name of this thing where it's happened before. | ||
| It's the rare case of people who've visited schizophrenics, but I can't seem to find it. | ||
| So I might be talking a little bit of shit because I'm just repeating some things that I think... | ||
| It was, I think it was Terence McKenna, a Terence McKenna lecture. | ||
| But the idea was that one of the things that they think about some people when they start to lose their mind is that it becomes a pheromonal problem when they're giving off this weird smell to people, like this, you know, this, what is a, how would you describe a pheromonal, a hormonal smell, I guess? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| and people treat them weird. | ||
| It's offensive. | ||
| People treat them odd, and they start thinking, like, am I odd? | ||
| Am I crazy? | ||
| And that tipping point is really not that hard to do on some people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because if you think about how you interact with people, I'm sure you've had times in your life where you've been socially awkward or you felt real weird or felt real vulnerable, especially when you were young. | ||
| Brian, you barely got one correct sentence yesterday with Kat Von D. | ||
| I looked over, he came in his pants three times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like sitting there. | |
| How are you doing today so far? | ||
| I keep on thinking about it. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| I met with Mia. | ||
| The picture of you hugging her was just like, you're just in bliss. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| He was like, I'm actually touching her. | ||
| I like girls that think like that. | ||
| Like the energy thing she said about, you know. | ||
| I love girls that think like that. | ||
| She's a very nice person. | ||
| And she's incredibly artistic. | ||
| She's a badass bitch. | ||
| She's really nice too, man. | ||
| She's really nice. | ||
| Like legit nice. | ||
| Like not a bullshit nice. | ||
| Just a nice person. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice when you see someone that's trying to do that, that's trying to do the right thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's rad, bro. | ||
| Where'd you get that from? | ||
| From Kat Von D. Is that how she talks? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Do it again. | ||
| You don't think Kat Von D is hot? | ||
| Are you saying something? | ||
| I think she's hot. | ||
| I watched her show. | ||
| I watched every episode of her show. | ||
| Look me in the eyes. | ||
| That's not what she sounds like. | ||
| That's totally what she sounds like to me. | ||
| Do it again, but look me in the eyes. | ||
| I want to play with your dick, Redman. | ||
| Is that your impression for everybody? | ||
| What's Spider-Man sound like? | ||
| It's sticky in my hand. | ||
| That's a sucky impression, dude. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| I thought that was fucking spot on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Do Burt Kreischer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so silly. | |
| Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. | ||
| That's how you guys are about to die. | ||
| No, I'm a big fan of Cat Bundy. | ||
| I watched every episode of that show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Did you see Eddie Bravo episode? | ||
| Probably missed that one, but the other ones I caught. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It's me, man. | ||
| What's with me, the ringtone fucking AT&T commercial? | ||
| You gave me shit about mine, too, because I have it on that. | ||
| I have the same thing. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't change my ringtone. | ||
| I just want to know if someone's calling. | ||
| Okay, that's all I want to know, Brian. | ||
| I don't really give a fuck what it sounds like. | ||
| Kat Von D, I love you. | ||
| Whoa, Brian. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Stop him. | ||
| He's taking your girl. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| He just said, Kat Von D, I love you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not bad. | |
| That is so not cool. | ||
| Listen, you don't understand what it was like for Lil Bri yesterday. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You don't understand? | ||
| It's adorable. | ||
| You want to hear my new ringtone? | ||
| Is it Kat? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, unicorn! | |
| Okay, stop that. | ||
| It's terrible, man. | ||
| You really... | ||
| I need to find out what happened to you that froze you in 12. Did you spend some time with the schizophrenic person yesterday? | ||
| There was some strange moment when you were 12 and you just stuck there emotionally. | ||
| It's better than that ringtone. | ||
| How do you even know if it's your phone if it's ringing? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about I don't give a fuck? | ||
| You should sell ringtones, man. | ||
| Because I was going through the ringtone store, and the top ten ones are so dumb. | ||
| Like, Space Unicorn was the best one, and I was just really stoned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But there's, like, one that's just, like, a black guy going, Yo, man, answer your phone! | |
| Answer your motherfucking phone, motherfucker! | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| I want a white guy doing a bad black acting. | ||
| How is that bad, too? | ||
| Just if you're in, like, a really black area and you hear the phone going, Answer your phone, motherfucker! | ||
| Answer your phone! | ||
| Pick up your phone, bitch! | ||
| You don't think my impression of a black woman is good? | ||
| That's a good ring turner. | ||
| I think it was okay. | ||
| It was okay. | ||
| It was a little racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| Kidding completely. | ||
| I only said that because it was the funniest thing to say. | ||
| I don't think you're racist by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| But myself, I put what some people thought was a racist tweet the other day. | ||
| I saw a black guy with a Mitt Romney bumper sticker on his car. | ||
| I go, the minds were right. | ||
| This fucking thing is over. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You're a racist piece of shit. | ||
| And all of a sudden people were saying, I want a racist piece of shit. | ||
| How is that racist? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know enough about Mitt Romney to know if there was a joke in there about him and black people. | ||
| My question is, what black guys are relating to Mitt Romney? | ||
| That's going to get you some more tweets. | ||
| I need to look. | ||
| I wish there was another alternative. | ||
| Because I'm not really happy with either one of these guys. | ||
| It seems silly to me. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| I feel like, socially, Obama's way better. | ||
| The way he communicates is better. | ||
| He's way smarter. | ||
| He's way more moderate. | ||
| Way more reasonable. | ||
| I'd rather hang out with him than me. | ||
| Way more impressive. | ||
| Fuck yeah, I'd rather hang out with Obama. | ||
| But what bums me out is that it seems like... | ||
| Fuck, look at all the shit that got passed while Obama was in office. | ||
| I don't know how much of that had to do with him. | ||
| It's so hard to believe that a young guy, just a few years older than me, would be so willing to give in to this ridiculous idea that giving the government more power over the people is necessary to keep us safe. | ||
| Because I think that's just total horseshit. | ||
| I just think they want to lock it down. | ||
| And they're slowly eroding our rights. | ||
| And they're doing it in a very unconstitutional way. | ||
| And that's not the way to do your job. | ||
| Your job is to do it in a constitutional way. | ||
| And if you can't keep us safe in a constitutional way, it means you suck at your fucking job. | ||
| You need to get better at that. | ||
| What you don't need to do is look at everybody's fucking email and listen to everybody's voicemail messages and track everybody's movement through GPS. You don't need to do all that. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Because who decides who has access to that information? | ||
| Who decides? | ||
| People could harass you because you have different political beliefs than them, where you're interrupting their campaign. | ||
| There's a lot of different things that someone could do if they have influence, if they have enough power over you, by being able to track your whereabouts and listening to all your phone calls. | ||
| That shit is ridiculous. | ||
| And the fact that that's happening in America, man, that's what we always used to make fun of the Soviet Union about. | ||
| That everybody was being a spy and spied on and But we never thought that shit was going on over here. | ||
| But meanwhile, the government just opens up the floodgates and it's all of us. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| And didn't you retweet that somebody... | ||
| I didn't even know about this. | ||
| And it amazes me that this happens and nobody knows. | ||
| That they audited the Fed and that they found out that the bailout amounts were not even close enough. | ||
| it was trillions of dollars in secret bailouts and that certain companies were getting trillions not even like what we were told they were getting like let's say 50 billion you're like jesus you got 50 billion no they got like 1.3 trillion dollars yeah it's insane and that was like uh the like it was in the news but like i feel like nobody really they were like oh yeah so what happened i - I don't get it, man. | ||
| I don't understand how any of it flies. | ||
| First of all, the whole idea that the only way to fix all this shit is to take more money from us is fucking berserk. | ||
| That is so bonkers. | ||
| That's the stupidest idea ever. | ||
| It's like you're telling me that you just have to, no matter what, keep these defense budgets the way they are now. | ||
| That's what they're saying, essentially. | ||
| They're saying, look, we're not going to shrink that. | ||
| So let's just concentrate on whacking some things off and some other. | ||
| It's this giant chunk of money that's being thrown at this ridiculous situation. | ||
| This horrific situation, rather. | ||
| And no, I can't fix that. | ||
| That is just what it is. | ||
| We'll cut that a little bit. | ||
| We're going to cut that a little bit. | ||
| We've got no money for pizza in school, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the idea that you're going to need a little bit more from everybody. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| You need to stop spending money on shit that we don't want you to spend money on. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Where's the money going? | ||
| And nobody, the thing is, not only defense, but nobody is ever really willing to make concessions. | ||
| Nobody wants to give up whatever their cause is, whatever committee they sit on. | ||
| Just go somewhere else. | ||
| So you end up finding a group of people that are all agreeing to not make any deals. | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| Just take from somebody else, just not us. | ||
| And it goes around the circle and then you're like, alright, that was fun. | ||
| Fucking nobody made any concessions at all. | ||
| First of all, the only way we're going to fix this whole world problem is we're going to have to be able to read each other's minds. | ||
| People are just too full of shit. | ||
| Language is just one step on an ever-ending, or never-ending rather, process of getting closer and closer to each other. | ||
| Language is the ability to do it in expression. | ||
| And you say what comes out of your mouth. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| I know who you are. | ||
| You talk. | ||
| I know who you are. | ||
| We're going to be able to get past that. | ||
| That's what the next step is. | ||
| The next step is we're going to be able to read each other's minds. | ||
| And until then, we're going to have a really hard time with this fucking thing. | ||
| Because people are full of shit, and people misinterpret people's words, and people are touchy, and people don't know why they're really mad. | ||
| And there's a lot of the problems with normal human communication. | ||
| And part of it is, I can only gauge your intent by guesswork. | ||
| I can only gauge your intent by how you respond, guesswork, and... | ||
| and then you put it into the computer that is your brain and try to figure out if this person is good for my life, is this person bad for my life, is this person my friend, are they looking out for me? | ||
| Eventually, we're going to just read each other's minds. | ||
| That's all going to be bullshit. | ||
| You're going to know who's a cunt. | ||
| Cunts are going to know they're cunts. | ||
| They're going to have to straighten up. | ||
| It's going to be like a beautiful moment. | ||
| But you're also going to know all the creepy shit about people. | ||
| We're going to definitely get past the idea that the only way I can communicate is through some noise, some mouth noise and some text messages. | ||
| Just looking at somebody, you think? | ||
| Well, look at the interface of text messaging. | ||
| You've already got this new way to communicate with people that are nowhere near you. | ||
| So you're getting a little bit of their information, a little bit of their personality, a little bit of their mind, this little text that's coming in on your phone. | ||
| Well, eventually that's going to morph into the next thing, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| It's going to be people that let you ride along, where you can tap into their consciousness and you can walk around with them and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't see that being outside the realm of possibility. | ||
| I think that's totally possible, that you could eventually get to a point where a person interfaces with some sort of an internet connection in maybe something that you would wear in your head that stimulates various parts of the brain with electrical impulses or something that that you could eventually get to a point where a person interfaces with some If they figure out how to really wire that, maybe they'll actually have to fucking drill some holes in your head and shit and put little conductors that you have to screw shit into. | ||
| But people would totally do it if you could actually work that out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| And ride along with each other. | ||
| Look, you could go... | ||
| If you were a real freak, you know, like those dudes who like watching their wives fuck other guys, they could like be their wife while she gets fucked by this giant black guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why does he gotta be black? | |
| Because that's the scariest. | ||
| The big guy's one, but the big black guy's the scariest. | ||
| Or that's maybe like, what is the thing? | ||
| Isn't that like cuckolds? | ||
| Is that what they call them? | ||
| Guys who like watching other guys fuck their wives in front of them. | ||
| That's... | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| That sure is. | ||
| And that's the real fucking, that's the exciting point for them. | ||
| Like, this guy's about to drill my wife. | ||
| This is fucking awesome. | ||
| Oh, that's so crazy. | ||
| Yep, yep. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they want her to get fucking hammered. | ||
| But how can that end in anything other than murder-suicide? | ||
| Can it? | ||
| I don't know, but I was just thinking you could never switch it. | ||
| You could never fuck a girl in front of your wife and she's just sitting there brushing her hair really slow. | ||
| I don't think so, unless she was crazy. | ||
| But it's not normal that a guy would sit there and get off on that either. | ||
| Hell no, that's not normal at all. | ||
| Yeah, some guys are just... | ||
| Real freaks. | ||
| But there's everything. | ||
| That's well put. | ||
| There's everything. | ||
| That really is what the answer is. | ||
| And we didn't really know that as much when we were kids. | ||
| That's why you were subject to get accosted by some predator. | ||
| Because you never knew any predators. | ||
| So we didn't have access to nearly as much information. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| The internet really exposes you. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Every kid knows about pedos now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They got a pedo bear. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, pedos weren't something that everybody talked about when I was a kid. | ||
| It was like, you keep away from that man. | ||
| He's a bad man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And you'd be like, who's the bad guy? | ||
| That bad guy over there? | ||
| Why is he bad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy by the park. | |
| I don't understand why he's bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nobody understood why. | ||
| Now kids know about pedophiles. | ||
| Now you understand how many kinks there are. | ||
| When you go online, there's these subcategories of shit, and you're like, that's a thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, oh my gosh. | ||
| You're exposed to it all. | ||
| We're like adults now, but you realize that if you look back on fifth grade you, he's aware of that. | ||
| Ten-year-olds. | ||
| Or online. | ||
| Well, there's all these... | ||
| Oh, there's this shit? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There was always specialty things. | ||
| There was always, like... | ||
| But it was hard to find them. | ||
| Like, if you were going to be into weird freak shit... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, some dudes are into feet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there were actual feet magazines. | ||
| Yeah, nice. | ||
| I found a feet porno magazine with my friends. | ||
| Can I have it? | ||
| In the woods. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, can I have it? | |
| We were wandering through the woods and we found a pile of magazines in a plastic bag. | ||
| If you found them in the woods, 60% of the time they were porn. | ||
| If you found a dude who went to read magazines in the woods, there was a lot of people that would go and they would just go beat off in the woods. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so great. | |
| I love that. | ||
| Dudes that go to read magazines in the woods. | ||
| And they left their stash back there. | ||
| So we would go find their stash. | ||
| And so it was me and my two friends. | ||
| And as they were opening the pages, one dude was from Argentina and the other dude was from Cuba. | ||
| And we were in Florida. | ||
| And we're peeling back these pages. | ||
| and this kid stops and he goes, man, I think this shit is just dicks and feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the quote of the day, ladies and gentlemen. | |
| And it was one of the first times I had ever saw anybody so clearly say... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| When they don't really want an answer. | ||
| When you say, like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was just like, what the fuck? | |
| He knew. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I knew he didn't know. | ||
| We were 11. We were looking at, like, dudes jerking off on feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a whole thing? | |
| I've been wanting that to be a thing. | ||
| I didn't know it was. | ||
| I found the creepiest new fetish out yesterday. | ||
| It's called belly punching. | ||
| It's just guys and girls punching other girls in the belly really hard. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they get off on it. | ||
| I don't want to watch that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and the videos are just really disturbing. | |
| It's from Brazil. | ||
| I don't get off on it. | ||
| Please shut that off. | ||
| That stuff bugs me. | ||
| I don't get off on it, but I've seen it, and it was so extreme that I was in tears laughing. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Of the ball kicking. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| So I saw one, and I was like, oh, that's clearly... | ||
| That guy has a cup on, you know? | ||
| You can tell. | ||
| But this one was genuine. | ||
| And she was kicking 50-yard field goals, lining up and teeing off. | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| His legs were shaking, and then she's like, yes, suffer, suffer. | ||
| What the fuck is that about? | ||
| I don't know, man, but somebody's not watching that to laugh. | ||
| They're watching that. | ||
| That is the most erotic, arousing thing. | ||
| I got kicked once so hard in a tournament. | ||
| I've been kicked many times, but I got kicked once in a tournament where my cup slammed into my balls. | ||
| I was fucked up. | ||
| My balls swole up. | ||
| They were purple and they swole up. | ||
| It swole up like twice the size of normal. | ||
| Do you have any photos? | ||
| I don't understand how the guy can physically take it. | ||
| Do I have what? | ||
| Do you have any photos? | ||
| I would have taken photos of that shit. | ||
| I was only like 16 or 17. How do they physically take it? | ||
| I've been kicking the balls. | ||
| If there was a second kick... | ||
| I just shit myself. | ||
| I got a boner on the way home, though, so I was happy. | ||
| I was happy that it still worked. | ||
| It was almost like my body was letting me know. | ||
| Because that was when I was like, when I was like 16 or 17, I would get those random boners. | ||
| I could be walking, and I would just get a complete heart on, like out of nowhere. | ||
| It's like, what the fuck is this doing here? | ||
| School, too. | ||
| It's like giving a blind person a gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, what is this, a trigger? | |
| You don't know what you're doing when you're a 17-year-old kid just walking around with a boner. | ||
| I would crank out so many at 17. It's so ridiculous. | ||
| You're always horny. | ||
| Yeah, and that chamber is fucking reloaded immediately. | ||
| Yeah, immediately. | ||
| And what's really fucked up is that that is probably one of the biggest shifts as a human being that your life makes. | ||
| From no sex at all to, boom, having a girlfriend when you're in your teenage years. | ||
| Which is confusing. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I mean, your teenage years are a mess. | ||
| And in that, you're having relationships, you're making out with people, and your penis is going into a girl's vagina. | ||
| It's the best you've ever felt in your life. | ||
| And she's on the pill so you can squirt it in her. | ||
| You get so confused. | ||
| You get so baffled. | ||
| You're so fucking twisted. | ||
| Just so absorbed in that person. | ||
| And that's why you see so many people that age throw everything else away for that relationship. | ||
| It's addict behavior. | ||
| We've all been guilty of it. | ||
| Addict behavior is not just physical addiction. | ||
| It's just squirrely thinking. | ||
| Attic behavior is like, there's a lot of different activities that shouldn't really exist for our shitty minds, but they do exist. | ||
| And people can't help, because of the fact that they have access to casinos, there's certain people that cannot fucking help it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're drawn in there and they want to gamble. | ||
| They want action. | ||
| That's what they live for. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| And they'll go on these programs. | ||
| No, I'm not gambling anymore. | ||
| I'm not doing this anymore. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| The next thing you know, I'm just going to try a little. | ||
| I can handle it now. | ||
| It's all about management. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Back in the slide. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| In debt. | ||
| Never again. | ||
| And there's no drugs. | ||
| There's no dealer. | ||
| There's no poisoning. | ||
| There's just fucking this weird idea that you need to fucking pull that lever and see those lemons. | ||
| Lemon, lemon, lemon! | ||
| I'm so glad I don't have that. | ||
| Oh, and then they take that money and go right back in. | ||
| It's fucking horrifying. | ||
| There was a guy named White Plains Charlie when I was a kid and I used to play pool at executive billiards. | ||
| He was the first guy that I ever met that was an absolute 100% gambling junkie. | ||
| This guy didn't do a goddamn thing for a living. | ||
| He lived off of handouts and games. | ||
| It was a hustle pool. | ||
| He slept in like Homeless shelters and different people's houses and had apartments in real squirrely situations and he would just come down the pool hall and go to the racetrack. | ||
| And that's all this guy did. | ||
| That's all this guy did. | ||
| He was always in action. | ||
| He was always in action. | ||
| Played the fucking ponies. | ||
| And it was so sad. | ||
| Because he was in his 70s. | ||
| And he was just a really tiny, tiny man. | ||
| And people would yell at him and they'd fucking treat him like shit because he was always broke and he would yell at them and he would always lose his money. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I almost had those motherfuckers. | ||
| I'm supposed to have 775. You know, they have some number problem that went wrong on them. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You know, that would have paid $2,000. | ||
| $2,000! | ||
| Can you believe that shit? | ||
| I can't tell you how many conversations I had with White Plains Charlie. | ||
| Well, he would come in there and go, Joe, you ain't gonna believe this. | ||
| They got me at the track again. | ||
| I'm down there, and I was like, at the time, maybe 22, 23. He's 23 years old. | ||
| So the whole thing to me was just completely baffling. | ||
| I was like, wow, this guy's out of his fucking head. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| He just can't stop gambling. | ||
| I've never seen anything like it. | ||
| I know a poker guy like that just can't stop. | ||
| They can't stop! | ||
| They get sweaty hands. | ||
| I was completely addicted to playing that Quake game. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Loved it. | |
| Hours and hours a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't. | |
| If you were talking and I was listening to you talk and you were boring the shit out of me and be like, why am I spending time doing this when I could be playing Quake and my time would be awesome as always? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would not want to talk to people. | ||
| I would want to just sit in front of the computer with the headphones on because you can hear who's walking on the right-hand side. | ||
| You can hear footsteps on the right or footsteps on the left. | ||
| You have to creep because if you walk, you don't make any noise. | ||
| But if you want to jump, if you want to strafe jump, if you want to run, you make noise. | ||
| And I would get addicted, dude. | ||
| Wandering down hallways, rocket-launching people in the heads. | ||
| Fun as fuck. | ||
| I've been lost in video games before, too. | ||
| It's addict behavior. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| The real problem is it doesn't make you ultimately feel like you got anything done. | ||
| If I put the same amount of effort into making podcasts or the same amount of effort into doing stand-up, I feel like I got something done. | ||
| But if you're just out there fucking throwing squares with numbers around... | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're playing cards? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| There's nothing actually happening. | ||
| You're playing Quake. | ||
| I fucking killed everybody. | ||
| Nothing really happened. | ||
| You just got jolted. | ||
| Nothing was really created. | ||
| And eight hours went by. | ||
| You basically gave all your time to this artificial experience. | ||
| And you got an adrenaline rush out of it. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| But ultimately, nothing was created. | ||
| Whereas if you took that same amount of time and you decided, I'm going to draw a picture, or I'm going to paint something, I'm going to write a song, an actual physical thing manifests itself that people can enjoy. | ||
| Or, fucking rocket launchers. | ||
| Lightning bolt guns and shit, gunning people down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Halo! | |
| You don't get anything out of that. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Is that your game, Halo? | ||
| It used to be. | ||
| I step away. | ||
| I literally force myself not to get on game systems that much anymore. | ||
| Because I would... | ||
| I would do that and I would do Madden and NCAA. Madden's supposed to be awesome. | ||
| I heard Madden is just so addictive. | ||
| The college one, I would play, because I like college ball a lot, I would play, you could create a player, you start your team, and then play a season. | ||
| Did you make white guys win? | ||
| I would make fucking Tom run a 4-3-40. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Of course. | ||
| You'd give him ridiculous power. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd be like 6'3", 230, just fucking yoked. | |
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Just Vikings. | ||
| Vikings, absolutely. | ||
| An army of Brock Lesnar's. | ||
| But I would play the full... | ||
| I would say I would play... | ||
| I would do the spring thing, spring ball, and then play... | ||
| Fucking 12-game season, the conference game and the bowl game, and then recruit players, because you can recruit and recruit them for the next year. | ||
| And fucking, I played, you know, 14 games in a row, and I'm like, holding on for the next season to start. | ||
| And this is like in one sitting. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it's hours and hours. | ||
| It's not good, man. | ||
| Well, that's the same thing with poker, too, right? | ||
| I mean, when people start playing poker, don't they disappear? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And the guy that I know that does it the most, like, not only does he disappear doing all that behavior, but he's also fucking losing his livelihood, you know? | ||
| Like... | ||
| Shit, we're fucking down 500 today. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard to make a living playing poker. | ||
| You've got to be super good. | ||
| All props to those Daniel Negrano type characters. | ||
| Phil Ivey and all these guys that I hear about. | ||
| I don't play it. | ||
| Do you like poker? | ||
| I don't like cards. | ||
| It's not that I don't like cards. | ||
| It's just it's not something that I'm interested in doing because when I was a A kid and I would play pool, the card games would always interrupt the pool action. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And everybody would be like, Jesus Christ, is this a card place or a pool hall? | ||
| Like guys that you would normally get bets with, they wanted to go gamble. | ||
| Because that's all pool halls were about. | ||
| All pool halls were about was like hobby people who were into just knocking balls around with their friends who never got good. | ||
| And then either tournament players or gamblers. | ||
| And so the tournament players are usually both tournament players and gamblers. | ||
| So there's always gambling. | ||
| Unless some asshole came around with a deck of cards. | ||
| Because you can miss when you're playing pool. | ||
| You can miss. | ||
| You can play on a gaffy table where the pockets are weird. | ||
| And this guy might know the table better than you do. | ||
| So he knows what spots to avoid. | ||
| But with poker, there's no missing. | ||
| You're really gambling. | ||
| You're just gambling. | ||
| You're using your intelligence, but you're also gambling. | ||
| I don't get poker. | ||
| I don't have the mind for it, man. | ||
| I'm really not. | ||
| Powerful CTO, Coconut Water. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I'm not into it, man. | ||
| I'm intimidated by numbers, and I'm intimidated by just like the game itself. | ||
| I've never been drawn. | ||
| Seems like an awesome game. | ||
| It seems like a real absorbing game, though. | ||
| It seems like a very... | ||
| Like, you have to really be a bad motherfucker to understand the in and outs of poker and to have like... | ||
| You know, years and years of intuition. | ||
| I mean, those are special dudes. | ||
| They obviously have special minds. | ||
| Just for me, I was always so absorbed with things that required execution. | ||
| Physical execution as well as like mental. | ||
| And that's why I liked Quake because it was like this hand-eye coordination thing. | ||
| That was what I was getting my rocks off on. | ||
| And that's the same thing with pool. | ||
| So to me, it's like it was always a physical thing as well as a mental thing. | ||
| I felt like the real thrills to me were when I could combine the two things together. | ||
| When I could combine a physical experience and a mental experience. | ||
| That's why I like jujitsu. | ||
| That's why I like playing pool. | ||
| So the card thing was lacking the physical part. | ||
| There was no execution. | ||
| I didn't have to execute. | ||
| So that was way less exciting. | ||
| You can't compare. | ||
| The difference between when you're watching a guy gambling and he's gambling for $10,000 a set of nine ball in every fucking pocket. | ||
| He's... | ||
| Putting his hands on his shirt and blowing on his hands and putting talcum powder on. | ||
| He's sweating and he's trying to keep it together. | ||
| You're trying to really gently control how a ball spins and collides with another ball. | ||
| And make sure that you hit it just enough so that it lands perfectly for the next one. | ||
| All while you're gambling. | ||
| I mean, that's what's exciting. | ||
| When you're just sitting there with cards, and you know what card to pick, stupid. | ||
| Just pick the fucking card, dude. | ||
| It's like you win or you don't win. | ||
| It's like it's not the same loss. | ||
| A guy shoots your nuts in in a game of pool, like if you're playing a race to ten and he breaks and runs out ten games on you, you lose. | ||
| You don't even get a chance to play. | ||
| That can happen. | ||
| That has happened. | ||
| Not to me, but it has happened in the past. | ||
| Ten in a row, just run the whole thing. | ||
| It's happened more than once. | ||
| There was one guy who did it for a million dollars. | ||
| Yeah, they had an insurance policy to see if you could run 10 racks in a row, which had never been done in a competition before, you could win a million dollars. | ||
| It had only been done a couple of times. | ||
| Johnny Archer ran 10 and out on Francisco Bustamante. | ||
| They were gambling. | ||
| That was a legendary story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They couldn't believe they found the statistics. | ||
| No one had ever broken around 10 racks ever in any modern nine-ball tournament that they could have on record. | ||
| So they said, listen, I don't think it's much of a gamble. | ||
| We'll bet a million dollars. | ||
| If someone does it, they win a million dollars. | ||
| Earl Strickland did it the first fucking tournament they had. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I think it was the first. | ||
| It was either the first or the second. | ||
| He broke and ran ten racks like a demon, fired in combinations on the nine ball. | ||
| I mean, it was ridiculous shit. | ||
| It was like movie shit. | ||
| And they denied him. | ||
| I think he wound up settling, but he never got the full million bucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They denied him, really? | |
| I think he only got a quarter million bucks or something like that. | ||
| I hope I'm wrong, but he's one of the greatest players of all time. | ||
| And he gambles too. | ||
| He does those action challenges, those action report matches where they have online, they'll have just two guys playing for $25,000. | ||
| They'll both put up the money and then they'll have a gambling contest. | ||
| You ever played, what's the other one called? | ||
| Snooker. | ||
| Snooker? | ||
| No, I've never played that. | ||
| It's the same principle, but smaller. | ||
| Well, it requires some incredible fundamentals. | ||
| There's more room for error in a game pool than there is in snooker. | ||
| First of all, because in nine ball, like the chosen gambling game, nine ball, the balls are all wild. | ||
| So what that means is if you miss the one ball in the corner pocket, but it spins around and lands on the side, it still counts. | ||
| You just keep going. | ||
| When snooker, I don't think that would ever count. | ||
| I think snooker is like very precise. | ||
| I think – and you have to move balls. | ||
| I don't really totally, completely understand it. | ||
| And the table is fucking huge and the balls are tiny and the pockets are tiny as shit. | ||
| And there are certain ways where you shoot it, it doesn't accept the ball the same way it does in a pool table. | ||
| I don't think you can cut a ball down the rail the way you can on a regular pool table. | ||
| So it's a little bit of a different sort of a game. | ||
| But snooker players notoriously are good at pool. | ||
| Like the top world snooker players, like these English guys. | ||
| Steve Davis, yeah. | ||
| These guys are awesome snooker players, like world champions. | ||
| They come over to pool and then eventually they start, Ronnie O'Sullivan, eventually they start fucking up the Americans. | ||
| It takes time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the Americans, there's a few high-level guys, but the European guys have such a strong team. | ||
| There's so many guys. | ||
| The Americans might have the best guys of all time, like Johnny Archer, one of the best guys of all time. | ||
| Earl Strickland, one of the best guys of all time. | ||
| Shane Van Boning, one of the best guys of all time and one of the best guys right now. | ||
| But Europe is... | ||
| It's like, there's so many fucking players that are killers. | ||
| There's so many. | ||
| Poole is huge over there, man. | ||
| It's weird how many good guys. | ||
| In Asia? | ||
| They say in Asia, like there's parts of Asia where Poole is fucking enormous. | ||
| The Philippines especially. | ||
| It's enormous. | ||
| Like you go there, it's like one of their most, their like number one behind soccer, I think. | ||
| I think it's soccer. | ||
| Are the Philippines in the soccer? | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Or is it baseball? | ||
| Am I making this up? | ||
| Cricket maybe? | ||
| We're just making shit up. | ||
| Bocce? | ||
| Slip and slide. | ||
| I'm amazed by how sports culturally evolve. | ||
| Also how certain places so love a sport and do not give a fuck about another sport. | ||
| Cricket would be a great example. | ||
| It's big in some of the islands. | ||
| It's huge in India, Pakistan, Australia. | ||
| That shit is like Is it a gambling game? | ||
| Is that why it's big? | ||
| I don't know if it's a gambling game, but you watch it and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck's going on. | ||
| And clearly, nobody in this country who's not from one of those countries... | ||
| I don't know the rules. | ||
| I think it's difficult to follow. | ||
| You see the number, you're like, what? | ||
| It's like a five-day game. | ||
| You don't understand why they're celebrating. | ||
| Pass. | ||
| I'd rather do cocaine. | ||
| I can't get into it. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| Billiards, soccer, football, it's very regional, specific. | ||
| Well, I think you get into a game, and then once you get into it, you understand the skill behind it. | ||
| Look, it's so weird, and people are willing to fall into things so odd. | ||
| Just look at the way baseball uniforms look. | ||
| What the fuck are you dressing like? | ||
| Why do you have to dress like that for this stupid game? | ||
| You're dressing like you live in a different century. | ||
| What kind of stupid button-up shirt are you wearing? | ||
| What the fuck is with your socks? | ||
| What the fuck is with your tight pants? | ||
| If you were just a regular dude walking around with those pants in the street, I'd say, get the fuck away from my kids. | ||
| But because you're playing some silly game, you have to dress like a pilgrim? | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| This game's retarded beyond belief. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It needs to be revamped. | ||
| It's like one step away from a pirate's fucking outfit. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| And it's a ridiculous game. | ||
| It's just fucking boring as shit. | ||
| It takes too long. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I liked playing it when I was a kid. | ||
| And when you like playing it, you understand what the skills involved in hitting a 94 mile an hour fastball. | ||
| That's fucking really skilled. | ||
| Yeah, catching a ball that's over the fucking top of the wall. | ||
| But who cares? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't like baseball. | ||
| I like football. | ||
| That's by far my favorite sport. | ||
| I like women's softball. | ||
| Sports are awesome. | ||
| I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| Anything that's hard is awesome. | ||
| Anything where you get into it and you try to express yourself and show your ability to concentrate and focus through a ball or through whatever the fuck it is that you're doing in any sport. | ||
| I love watching it. | ||
| I love watching competition. | ||
| I love watching people pay off, like hard work paying off. | ||
| That's like, to me, I want to see that shit all the time. | ||
| Even tennis. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about tennis. | ||
| But I watched some tennis the other day. | ||
| I just watched it. | ||
| I was like, whoa, that guy's really trying to hit that ball and he's really trying to get it. | ||
| Oh, he's really close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Impressive. | |
| I don't really give a fuck what's going on because it's not my thing. | ||
| But if I was a tennis head instead of a pool head, it's the same thing. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I could have easily gotten hooked on tennis or baseball or golf. | ||
| This is a fucking era, a golden era for tennis too. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| There's some bad motherfuckers playing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| The guy that beat Serena and the other one? | ||
| What is the other Williams name? | ||
| Venus? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Venus and Serena, he beat them both. | ||
| Really? | ||
| A man? | ||
| After he played golf, drank beer, and then played 7-1 or whatever the fuck this was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, beat them both. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| I'll pull it up. | ||
| It's a famous case. | ||
| Federer is, you know... | ||
| If you look at his career... | ||
| He's one of the all-time best right now, right? | ||
| By far, yeah. | ||
| They say that they could put him up there with McEnroe in his prime, any of those guys. | ||
| Isn't that incredible? | ||
| He absolutely dominates people. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And he's been doing it consistently now for just years, man. | ||
| And Nadal's also up there. | ||
| And what's his name just retired? | ||
| Roddick? | ||
| And everybody was like, if his peer class wasn't so good, He would have won so many more titles. | ||
| But he just happens to be around in this era of like so many just absolutely dominant tennis players. | ||
| Yeah, I don't follow it enough, but I would assume that that's just the case with everything right now, right? | ||
| Isn't the case with basketball teams? | ||
| Well, here's an example of one where it's not. | ||
| Like the heavyweight boxing division. | ||
| So people say this is just an era where it's not as... | ||
| As competitive and as big, there's not as many big, exciting fighters. | ||
| So, you know, we don't talk about right now as being the most exciting time. | ||
| I mean, you know, boxing in general has taken a dip, but, like, people have always been drawn to the heavyweight division in boxing. | ||
| You know, it's the one that people always like big, you know, so the heavyweight boxers. | ||
| Right now, you know, I guess you could... | ||
| The Klitschkos. | ||
| The Klitschkos pretty much own it. | ||
| I mean, part of that you could argue, hey, they're not American, so Americans get excited about American heavyweights, basically, and those guys have been dominant. | ||
| They're not American. | ||
| But, you know, the division... | ||
| Pretty much has a lot of journeymen and they go up and they give it a shot and sometimes the belt switches hands, but it's pretty much Klitsch goes to run through and people don't talk about this as like, wow, this era right now, you know, heavyweight boxers are like... | ||
| It's not a great era. | ||
| It's not a great era. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not like a Holyfield or Lennox Lewis type era. | ||
| And then like another guy would pop up, you know, Bo would pop in and you'd be like, oh shit, who's this guy? | ||
| And It's weird that two white guys are running shit. | ||
| Running, yes. | ||
| Two white Russian dudes who are doctors are running shit. | ||
| Did I tell you, I went to this boxing gym in Glendale, and there was a guy there who trained a bunch of them. | ||
| And he said, basically, those guys, they train like, alright, a thousand right crosses. | ||
| Yeah, they're willing to do some shit that Americans are not willing to do. | ||
| They're like, start that shit over. | ||
| And so, like, technically, every punch is always exactly, like, executed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, never off. | ||
| You watch them, it's just like, it's perfect execution. | ||
| But it's not exciting. | ||
| Before anybody has a chance to get good, they nip him. | ||
| Go get him, quick! | ||
| As soon as the guy becomes even remotely into contention, go get him! | ||
| And the guy, the trainer guy, he's foreign, so he has this heavy accent, and he's telling me about different... | ||
| He's like, now, if you ever fight with a Mexican, they're like dogs. | ||
| They're just going to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. | ||
| I'm like, okay... | ||
| I was like, do you tell everybody that? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| It's such that foreign mindset of like, this is how it is. | ||
| Just racism is a big deal. | ||
| And just like, he's like, you gotta take a Mexican down because they'll never stop fighting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, okay? | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And then he's like, the blacks, oh, please. | ||
| Just great. | ||
| And you're like, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was he? | |
| He liked fighting black guys? | ||
| No, he was like, they're just, you know, like he's like, he was talking about Floyd and he was just like, you know, um... | ||
| Technically, just a fantastic puncher. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather does everything perfect. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| But, on top of that, has out-of-control skills. | ||
| Reflexes, skills. | ||
| Improvising skills. | ||
| And he's trained perfectly. | ||
| I mean, his brother, Roger, you know, I mean, his uncle, Roger. | ||
| Roger Mayweather was a fantastic boxer. | ||
| His dad was a good boxer. | ||
| Fuck about Victor Ortiz. | ||
| That was the best soundbite ever from 24-7. | ||
| That thing was so ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that shit. | |
| That fight was so ridiculous. | ||
| He sucker punched that dude. | ||
| The guy's looking at the referee and he's like, bitch, we're still fighting. | ||
| Crack! | ||
| Blam! | ||
| That was weird of Ortiz, though, too. | ||
| He's a silly bitch. | ||
| And then he kind of gave it up. | ||
| But then we talked about, what's his name? | ||
| I like the way Victor Ortiz fights, man. | ||
| That guy's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a tough guy. | ||
| He just messed up. | ||
| He just made an error. | ||
| What's the Filipino? | ||
| I can't even think right now. | ||
| Who's the... | ||
| Manny Pacquiao? | ||
| Pacquiao. | ||
| How dare you call him the Filipino. | ||
| One of the greatest boxers in the history of the world. | ||
| I just blanked on his name. | ||
| Maybe the greatest. | ||
| If you really think about accomplishments. | ||
| But he, you know, like he leaves the ground. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Throws his legs at his punches. | ||
| Fucking powerful, man. | ||
| He hits so hard. | ||
| A lot of his power comes from his legs. | ||
| He's a powerful dude. | ||
| Manny Pacquiao's a fucking murderous puncher. | ||
| When he fought... | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The dude, he broke both his eye sockets. | |
| Shit. | ||
| Margarita. | ||
| Yeah, Antonio? | ||
| Margarita, right? | ||
| The guy who was disgraced for using plaster in his knuckles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boy, he paid that price. | ||
| Karmically, he paid that price, man. | ||
| Because Pacquiao beat his fucking eyes in. | ||
| He beat his eyes so bad they had to replace the lens in his eye with an artificial lens. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did he ever fight again? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Fuck yeah, he did. | ||
| Yeah, he got back in there. | ||
| Jesus Christ, man. | ||
| He got back in there and fought Miguel Cotto. | ||
| And Miguel Cotto was one of the guys who he beat where they suspected he did something to his gloves because he fucked the dude up. | ||
| Murderously fucked him up. | ||
| And he never really did that with anybody. | ||
| He was just knocking motherfuckers out cold. | ||
| Cotto? | ||
| No, no, Margarito. | ||
| Oh, Margarito, yeah. | ||
| Before they found the plaster in his gloves. | ||
| Because he did it to Cotto, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| He did. | ||
| He did the first time, but the second time, Cotto stopped him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was, I think it was like a cut or some shit that stopped him. | ||
| But Margarito couldn't really hit his heart after they caught him with the plaster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I don't know. | |
| That's scary shit to think that a guy was making his career, putting rocks in his gloves. | ||
| What a mean dickhead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's totally cheating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And getting away with it. | ||
| And giving you, like, definitely fucking more aggravated brain damage than you would be getting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| He's hitting you with fucking casts in your face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's really shaking up the inside of your head. | ||
| There was a fight during the... | ||
| I think it was the 80s, where a guy... | ||
| Panama Lewis had pulled the stuffing out of a guy's gloves. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| And it was this kid, I believe the kid's name was Louie Resto, the boxer, and then the other one was Billy Collins, I think it was. | ||
| I forget what the guy's name was, but the poor kid had ended his career. | ||
| Because he just got barred. | ||
| He died. | ||
| Well, he crashed into a tree. | ||
| They think he committed suicide. | ||
| And the guy, Panama Red, was... | ||
| Panama Lewis. | ||
| Lewis was suspended, like, years. | ||
| The fighter, I don't think he ever fought again. | ||
| And he denied any, you know, wrongdoing until a few years ago. | ||
| And he gave it up on camera. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The boxer. | ||
| Which fight? | ||
| About the fight that you're talking about? | ||
| But they found that right away, though. | ||
| But the guy that was guilty of the guy who Panama was training? | ||
| Yeah, I believe it was Louis Resto. | ||
| He denied it. | ||
| He didn't know. | ||
| That he didn't know. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It was an accident. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| You wouldn't know with the first punch you threw. | ||
| His family always had his back. | ||
| It wasn't on him. | ||
| and then on camera with his family there he was like no I know what I did oh they're just devastated yeah that's a terrible terrible terrible thing to live with man that That's not just cheating. | ||
| That's like, ugh, that's horrific, man. | ||
| Yeah, you basically, you know... | ||
| You ruined a guy's life. | ||
| Yeah, you did. | ||
| Ruined a guy's life, a guy who was really good at competing under a set of rules, and you just fucking totally hijacked the whole thing on TV, you stupid fuck. | ||
| On TV, beat a guy up with no padding in your gloves. | ||
| That's unreal. | ||
| So you're just bare knuckle crazy. | ||
| You cheated. | ||
| You cheat an asshole. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that you still get all these guys every single year in every sport that all still Cheat. | ||
| Cheat. | ||
| And, you know, the Olympics, they took some, I forget, somebody's medal was, you know... | ||
| One guy had marijuana in his system. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, the motherfucker. | ||
| Had weed in his system? | ||
| Yeah, some skier or some shit. | ||
| Ah, that's not... | ||
| Skier, I can see. | ||
| Someone got kicked off the team for weed. | ||
| Was it judo? | ||
| Oh, there was a judo guy. | ||
| Yeah, there was a judo guy who got kicked off. | ||
| But you see the performance-enhancing shit, and you're like, how are you still... | ||
| You know they're going to come after you, man. | ||
| There's a lot of different shit that people are doing that they've got away with in the past, I think, and they're slowly starting to clamp down on that thing. | ||
| And fucking Armstrong is crazy. | ||
| Well, the crazy thing about Armstrong is he's only done by this one, like, it's an American thing that's gone after him. | ||
| It's the United States. | ||
| Anti-doping, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But that has nothing to do with the Tour de France. | ||
| So when they say that he doesn't have the eight Tour de France, notice I say France. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Sophisticated. | ||
| I've been to the airport in Paris. | ||
| But when he... | ||
| They're saying that... | ||
| I thought they did have jurisdiction. | ||
| They do? | ||
| I thought so, because, I mean, everything that I saw was he was stripped of his second titles. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that he was stripped by these people, that they don't recognize it. | ||
| But I don't know if he was necessarily stripped by whoever the fuck puts on the Tour de France. | ||
| He definitely did what they said he did. | ||
| You think so? | ||
|
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|
Absolutely. | |
| Look at you, Tommy Guns is throwing in. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I do not believe in these witch hunts for people that are essentially heroes and super... | ||
| Nobody accuses Michael Jordan of having done this. | ||
| Nobody accuses Joe Montana of having done this. | ||
| They do it because it's there. | ||
| His teammates have all come clean about it. | ||
| They've all said, we all did this shit. | ||
| Everybody... | ||
| And then when you finally have your chance... | ||
| You finally have your chance to be like, this is the last. | ||
| He's like, you know what? | ||
| Enough's enough. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Enough's enough? | ||
| I'm just tired of fighting this fight. | ||
| Well, you have a chance now. | ||
| This is the final lap of the race. | ||
| This is when you go, I'm just, you know what? | ||
| A man at some point just said that. | ||
| In his defense, he's been defending it for years. | ||
| But you give up and let them take your name and ruin your name again? | ||
| Do you know that he has passed, and I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but do you know that he's passed like 500 drug tests? | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| I do. | ||
| But why is there a witch hunt to get somebody like that? | ||
| I don't... | ||
| This is what gets me. | ||
| You ever see a dude who's like killed his wife and he's on the news and they're accusing him of... | ||
| Why'd you do it? | ||
| Why'd you do it? | ||
| And he's like, I didn't. | ||
| Didn't do anything. | ||
| And you're like, that is not how you would react if your wife was killed and they were dragging you off and you were innocent. | ||
| You would be freaking the fuck out. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| You lost your loved one? | ||
| You're a crazy person. | ||
| You're a crazy person that they caught doing something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you think that they would go after him, though, if there wasn't any evidence to support that? | ||
| I don't know, like how? | ||
| No, I'm saying like for Lance, right? | ||
| I mean, I don't know what they can do. | ||
| I mean, I think once he's passed the drug test, he passed like 500 fucking drug tests. | ||
| But here's the thing, where's the evidence? | ||
| What do you have? | ||
| Do you have any of his blood and you can run it through a machine and find some shit that we didn't find before? | ||
| If you don't have that, then what are you doing? | ||
| I think they do have it. | ||
| They probably have that. | ||
| If they do have that, that would be... | ||
| No, they would have said they had that. | ||
| If they do have that, they would have put that shit on the news. | ||
| They would tell you what it is. | ||
| It's not something that you can keep a secret. | ||
| They have some sample, because some sample was referenced. | ||
| Was some sample referenced because he tested positive for EPO? Was it that? | ||
| I feel like he tested positive for something. | ||
| But whatever the fuck it is, you should have either got him back then, or you need to let it go and realize that now with your new super sophisticated methods of testing... | ||
| He might not have passed those tests before, but guess what he did? | ||
| Let's fucking move on. | ||
| Leave the guy alone. | ||
| You're going to ruin his life because he did exactly what everybody else did? | ||
| He just was better at it? | ||
| Because that's what happened. | ||
| To go after him, you have to assume that he's a real motherfucker. | ||
| Here's my question. | ||
| Why does he have to tell anybody that he was... | ||
| If they were all doping, okay? | ||
| And that's what we're assuming that's the case. | ||
| We're assuming that everyone at the top of the list... | ||
| And by the way, a lot of the doping does not necessarily even have to be unhealthy. | ||
| Like the blood transfusions. | ||
| That's not unhealthy. | ||
| Blood doping is not unhealthy. | ||
| It just is an inordinate amount of blood in your body. | ||
| You have a much more easy way of producing oxygen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You can process oxygen better. | ||
| That's why being dehydrated is so bad for your cardio. | ||
| It's like one of the most important things for outdoor exercise. | ||
| Well, that was... | ||
| I think that was... | ||
| Fuck, how would they describe it? | ||
| It's... | ||
| I just don't think any of them can achieve the highest level without doing at least some of that. | ||
| If it's not blood doping, if it's not taking EPO, if it's not taking some fucking roots that boost your testosterone that are legal today but won't be legal in six months from now when they find out about it... | ||
| It seems like if everybody is doing it at the very top of the list, if all those guys on his team got busted, it can only make sense that he could do it, too. | ||
| Right, so I just think that, for me, the assumption that I make, and again, I realize that I'm not... | ||
| Privy to any of the evidence or information, but the assumption that I make is if all these guys say he did it, that he worked with, all his former teammates, coaches, associates, everybody says it, and then the doping agency is so adamant about pursuing it. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why would you do this if there's nothing there? | ||
| Why are you trying to get there? | ||
| Generally, that doesn't happen. | ||
| People don't go after somebody just because. | ||
| Do you think that's because, like, prosecutors sort of get a wild hair across their ass, like, we're gonna go get this guy, and then it becomes, like, a competition? | ||
| It could be. | ||
| That's definitely possible, and they get, you know, that obviously happened, like, in that Duke lacrosse case, where the prosecutor there was like, he made a fucking show of it, like, we're gonna... | ||
| Before even reviewing the information and the evidence. | ||
| And then he paid a huge price because he was boasting and trashing them before they even got in a courtroom and ended up fucking losing his license to practice. | ||
| But I think part of that, what he did before, was from that charge he got of like, I'm going to put these rich, entitled kids fucking in their place. | ||
| Watch this right now. | ||
| And then it came back to bite them. | ||
| So yeah, I think there is part of it. | ||
| Some of that, people going after the big name. | ||
| But I just don't see them trying to do this to him for no reason. | ||
| I agree with you, but I don't know what the reasons are. | ||
| I felt like if the guy passed that many drug tests, and if everybody was doing what he was doing, if that's what they're saying, was he just better in spite of the doping? | ||
| If everybody was doping, he was the best. | ||
| He's a super talented athlete. | ||
| Yeah, clearly he's unbelievably disciplined. | ||
| So if you're telling me they all doped, isn't that not a level playing field then? | ||
| It's like the baseball argument. | ||
| They're saying this is like the asterisk whatever era, because at first it was like a few guys and then a few more, and then you're like, hold on. | ||
| Did everybody just juice for like this five or ten year period? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it's looking like a huge percentage where it's not even news anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When you find out that like all the big superstars did it, you know? | ||
| Yeah, it's craziness. | ||
| All the home run records were broken in that era. | ||
| When you look at Mark McGuire now, and you hear him talk about it, and you hear him, you know, he just like broke down when he was describing what he did. | ||
| You look at the best is when you see, like, when he was like in Oakland A, Bash Brothers era, and you see him and he's like, you know, he's like 6'4", and he looks like a fucking pencil. | ||
| Dude, I did a TV show with him. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| He was on an episode of Hardball. | ||
| Back when he was really skinny, man. | ||
| Super thin. | ||
| He was young. | ||
| This is the pre-HGH days. | ||
| He turned into a gorilla. | ||
| He just went crazy with that working out. | ||
| But look at the dividends, man. | ||
| All of a sudden, he's just pulverizing balls. | ||
| But Bonds, too. | ||
| And you see Bonds in his Pirates uniform. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And you see him in his Giants shit. | ||
| It's fucking Do you remember how big Canseco was? | ||
| Yeah, he's a monster. | ||
| Dude, I was working in the Boston Athletic Club when I was 19 and Canseco was in town and he needed somewhere to work out and they must have been staying close to the Boston Athletic Club so they came down and worked out and that guy walked through the door and I was like, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Like, on TV with their silly 1860s outfits on, they don't look that big. | ||
| But when that guy walked through, I'm like, he's like 300 pounds! | ||
| He's fucking huge! | ||
| I mean, he might not have been 300, but he was like well over 250. He was enormous. | ||
| I remember the first time when I was like, holy shit, at the size of some fucking humans. | ||
| I was in high school, and I played in high school football two hours north of Miami. | ||
| And I went with a friend of mine on a recruiting trip, like his trip. | ||
| Down to the University of Miami, and we're standing on the field, and the players run out of the tunnel, and I'm looking at dudes in their chest, like I'm standing there looking at the numbers, and I'm like, holy fuck, I could never play against guys like this. | ||
| Like dudes that were like 6'6", 3'30", and I was like... | ||
| These are fucking animals running around, man. | ||
| Did people like that exist 100 years ago? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| One of the reasons why I think they might have every now and then, there was a guy that was the heavyweight champion. | ||
| His name was Primo Carnera. | ||
| And he was a legit giant. | ||
| He was fucking enormous. | ||
| But the best guys... | ||
| Let me see how big Primo Carnera was. | ||
| I think he was the biggest heavyweight champion ever. | ||
| I think. | ||
| Up until at least modern times. | ||
| Because I think there was some fucking giant Russian dude recently. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was even bigger than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think this guy lived in the 50s. | ||
| I believe it was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He lived until 1967. Yeah. | ||
| So he was 7'1". | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No, this guy's 6'7". | ||
| The Russian guy that I was talking about is 7'1". | ||
| His name Nikolai Valuev. | ||
| He's 7'1". | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| So these guys were giants back then, but Carnera was only 6'7". | ||
| That's still a big motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, up until that time, he was the tallest heavyweight in history. | ||
| And I think today, like, what are the Klitschkos? | ||
| They're like 6'6". | ||
| Yeah, they're like the same size. | ||
| Big fucking dudes. | ||
| Yeah, they're like the same size. | ||
| So this Primo Carnera back then, he was like a freak. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did this fundraiser. | ||
| He was 275 pounds, this guy was, naturally. | ||
| That was, by the way, the biggest size of any athlete in the 80s. | ||
| I remember that linemen in the NFL were 275, 280, and every team would have a 300-pounder, and you'd be like, holy shit, they got a 300-pounder on the team. | ||
| And now, the entire line. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Is that human growth hormone? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that steroids in the beef? | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| It's standard now. | ||
| Everyone's 320, 330. But what's happening? | ||
| Is it selective growing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cell phones. | |
| Is it this is the first couple of generations where they really understood nutrition and made sure the kids have vitamins growing up and they grew to their full potential? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Part of it is that. | ||
| I bet that has to do a lot with it, right? | ||
| Yeah, I think that is part of it. | ||
| But now you have this thing where there's more education. | ||
| For instance, in sports, you can be like, hey, I want to be. | ||
| This weight. | ||
| And they're going to program, you need fucking 300 grams of protein a day, and you need 5,000 calories, and you need to do this type of workout, and you're going to fucking swell up. | ||
| You can actually set that goal, and somebody can tell you pretty much, manufacture it, knowing their science, this is what you need to do if you want to obtain that. | ||
| So you can execute that. | ||
| But back then, they'd just be like, fucking, I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely that. | ||
| You can definitely put on more size now than ever before. | ||
| But what I'm saying is that the actual number of giant humans has increased. | ||
| It's not just like the ability to put muscle on. | ||
| It's like the size of people is just... | ||
| It's more common to see these Primo Carnera guys in athletics today. | ||
| These 6'7", just naturally gigantic human beings. | ||
| That's more common today. | ||
| It just is. | ||
| So what the fuck is that? | ||
| Why is it more common? | ||
| Why is there two Klitschko's? | ||
| There's two giant 6'6 guys who are boxing everybody up. | ||
| There's two giant Russian dudes. | ||
| Just think about how many of those guys exist today. | ||
| How many giant human beings are out there? | ||
| There's a dude who fights in the UFC, Stefan Struve. | ||
| He's fucking 7 feet tall, man. | ||
| Seven feet. | ||
| Yeah, I don't even think he's 25. Seven feet tall. | ||
| The world is not designed for you when you're seven feet tall, man. | ||
| Dude, he's giant. | ||
| Semi-Shilt, he's another one. | ||
| Seven feet tall. | ||
| Giant kickboxers. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And I guarantee you, kids that are coming up today, the kids that are growing up and are going to be coming to fruition or coming to a full height, rather, within the next decade, they're going to be even more giant. | ||
| It's like people are going to get bigger and bigger and bigger until we start morphing. | ||
| Into super giants. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to be giants. | ||
| There's no doubt about it, man. | ||
| As soon as they figure out a way to engineer the body selectively, we're going to figure out what's the optimum size you can be. | ||
| And people are just going to grow to that size. | ||
| You know, you're right that 100 years ago, there was not a fucking bunch of 6'6", 300-pound people. | ||
| Do you know how much the average soldier weighed in the Civil War? | ||
| How much? | ||
| 125 pounds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were tiny little dudes. | ||
| That's Tommy as a fifth grader. | ||
| Yeah, that is not the same type of human being that we have today. | ||
| Because people are malnourished. | ||
| Everybody's catching fucking diseases. | ||
| There's shit all over everything. | ||
| Babies are dying. | ||
| Nobody knows how to wash their hands right. | ||
| It's a mess. | ||
| Those people who lived in the 1800s are tiny-ass little people. | ||
| Now we just have gargantuan people. | ||
| And they're getting bigger. | ||
| These Shaquille O'Neal dudes. | ||
| I did Fear Factor with Shaquille O'Neal, and I stand dick height on Shaquille O'Neal. | ||
| He's a grown man. | ||
| I'm a grown man. | ||
| His dick is in my face. | ||
| I mean, he's just so different than me. | ||
| That's a great quote, by the way. | ||
| I'm standing next to him and we do a countdown. | ||
| It's hilarious because it's me. | ||
| I was like, Shaq, count them down. | ||
|
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|
He goes, three, two, one, go! | |
| The people go and do their style. | ||
| It was really cool because he liked the show. | ||
| It was fun having him co-host with me for a day. | ||
| But it's just so ridiculous. | ||
| I'm like a little child standing next to this giant. | ||
| Super nice guy, though, by the way. | ||
| Jonathan Ogden, offensive tackle, 6'8", like 340 he played at. | ||
| And his hand, he just held two of my little fingers and was like, nice to meet you. | ||
| And just squeezed a couple fingers. | ||
| And I realized my hand couldn't even get around, even simulate a handshake. | ||
| And he also had a conversation with somebody as I was talking to him down here. | ||
| I was like, yeah, so it's cool to meet him. | ||
| He was like, yeah, man. | ||
| And I was like, I'm down. | ||
| I'm down. | ||
| I was like, hey, man. | ||
| Like a kid. | ||
| Like when your kid walks up to you and they're talking to you and you're talking to another adult. | ||
| And you're like, just hold on. | ||
| And you're talking to the adult and they're like, but daddy. | ||
| And you're like, just hold on. | ||
| And you just talk over them. | ||
| He did that to me like I was a child. | ||
| And then I just looked up at him and I was like, it's nice to meet you. | ||
| He like patted the top of my head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go about your business. | |
| It was not like a human though. | ||
| It was like a fucking superhuman. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing the variance, you know, how much people vary in height and size like that, but yet we're still in the same species. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But a guy like Shaquille O'Neal, it's such an extreme version of it. | ||
| Fucking huge. | ||
| It's a friendly guy, though. | ||
| Super, super nice guy, yeah. | ||
| Mike Goldberg did a whole season of Shaq Versus with him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He did a bunch of different shit. | ||
| That was cool. | ||
| Box Oscar De La Hoya. | ||
| It was kind of funny. | ||
| He did a bunch of different things. | ||
| Do you know the comic Bruce Bruce? | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's a big dude. | ||
| Big, enormous guy. | ||
| Not that tall, but probably like 300 plus pounds. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I sat next to him... | ||
| On a flight. | ||
| Did I tell you this already? | ||
| No. | ||
| And I'd never met him before, and I recognized him. | ||
| So I was like, hey man, I'm a comic. | ||
| And he was like, oh yeah, he's super fucking nice. | ||
| And he's just this big, giant looking dude. | ||
| Can I guess where this story goes? | ||
| Where? | ||
| Sleep apnea. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| No. | ||
| Ten minutes into the flight. | ||
| He's got braids and shit. | ||
| So we get delayed. | ||
| And first of all, we're flying L.A., Atlanta. | ||
| And then I'm going on to Lauderdale. | ||
| He lives in Atlanta, I guess. | ||
| So everybody that comes on the plane who's black says something to him. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Do you, like, do you know these people? | ||
| He was like, nah, man, like, these people just, they're just fans. | ||
| And I was like, like, everybody on the plane has stopped. | ||
| And they tell us there's a delay. | ||
| You can get off the plane if you want. | ||
| And some girl walks by, and she's like, do you need something? | ||
| He's like, ah, I'd love, like, a candy bar. | ||
| And she's like, okay. | ||
| And I'm like, who's that? | ||
| He's like, I don't know. | ||
| So that lady's just buying you candy, man? | ||
| He's like, yeah, yeah, pretty much. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I can't tell you how sweet a guy he is. | ||
| The girl comes back, gives him candy, and I'm like, just, I love you. | ||
| And he's like, thank you, sweetie. | ||
| She goes back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We take off. | |
| We start talking comedy. | ||
| And he's like, I'm doing this tour with, you know, I'm touring with this person. | ||
| I'm doing shows with these people. | ||
| And I'm asking him, like, oh, what do you think of so-and-so? | ||
| And we're talking back and forth about people. | ||
| And he's like, I'm doing this show right now where I'm, you know, I'm doing some theaters with Mike Epps. | ||
| I'm opening, like, for him at these massive... | ||
| And I was like, Mike Epps is a funny fucking dude. | ||
| Like just a naturally funny guy. | ||
| Because we're just like talking shit. | ||
| He's like, oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was like, you know, that guy just turned into any situation funny. | ||
| He's like, yeah, but ain't no fucking funnier than Andy Griffith. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| Like, what'd you just say? | ||
| And he's like, Andy Griffith? | ||
| I was like, are you... | ||
| Not Eddie Griffin. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Are we talking about Andy, like the whistle shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, oh man. | ||
| And I'm like, are you serious right now? | ||
| He's like, you ever been to the Andy Griffith Museum? | ||
| I'm like, what kind of question is that, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what? | |
| What kind of question is that? | ||
| And he's like, oh man, they got the car from the show. | ||
| You can sit in the car. | ||
| They have like a set. | ||
| Like with the kitchen. | ||
| They used to show the kitchen. | ||
| You can go there. | ||
| You get all the Andy Griffith shit you ever want. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Are we in the real world right now? | ||
| He loves Andy Griffith. | ||
| Man, I was like, I don't think I like anything as much as you like Andy Griffith. | ||
| He's like, I love Andy Griffith. | ||
| And I was like, clearly. | ||
| And he knew, he was like, I'm not exaggerating. | ||
| He was like, there was two black actors that ever appeared on the Andy Griffith show. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's like, one was February 8th, 1963. What? | ||
| By the role of Tony. | ||
| Are you saying the right date or are you just making up the date? | ||
| No, I'm making up the date, but he knew the date. | ||
| Let these people know. | ||
| All right, he knew the date. | ||
| They're going to fuck this up in Google. | ||
| He knew the exact date, and he knew the role and the episode. | ||
| And then he's like, and the other one... | ||
| It was April 19th, 1968. And that was when, remember when they couldn't find the mail? | ||
| I'm like, no, I have not seen these episodes. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Remember when they couldn't find the mail? | ||
| I was like, I swear to God. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit. | ||
| He's like, Andy Griffith is a shit, man. | ||
| I was like, Andy Griffith, really? | ||
| Andy Griffith is a shit. | ||
| He fucking loves Andy Griffith, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| There's a lot of people that pay homage to the classics. | ||
| There's dudes who really get into old movies and TV shows. | ||
| I've met super fans of some things that you don't expect, but that, for me, was so out of left field. | ||
| I saw Carol Burnett the other day. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She looked good. | ||
| She looked good. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| I mean, I think the lady is in her late 70s. | ||
| She looked very healthy. | ||
| Smiling, laughing, talking to people. | ||
| That show was great. | ||
| Yeah, it was a great show. | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| We were talking about this the other day. | ||
| There was a big wave of woman-run shows back in the day where the woman was a star. | ||
| There was Laverne and Shirley. | ||
| There was Marilee Tyler Moore. | ||
| There was Rhoda. | ||
| There was Maud. | ||
| Remember Maud? | ||
| And then there's Maud. | ||
| And then there's Maud. | ||
| Right on, Maud. | ||
| You don't remember that? | ||
| That was a show. | ||
| That was like a big popular show. | ||
| And then there was the older lady who used to be a model who ran the newsroom. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Boring ass. | ||
| Murphy Brown? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Murphy Brown, that boring ass hypnotic. | |
| What did they do to get people to watch that show for all those years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What kind of hypnotism program did they run? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Roseanne? | |
| That was in the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
95? | |
| 95? | ||
| Yeah, there was a gang of them. | ||
| But I mean, the era of Carol Burnett was like, there was a lot of Lucille Ball. | ||
| There was a bunch of them. | ||
| There was a bunch of them. | ||
| Like, really strong women comedian presences. | ||
| It's like, that has changed quite a bit now. | ||
| Like, the role that women have on these, like, you know, you have girls like Chelsea who have their own show, you know, but it's like her personality. | ||
| It's not like her being the head of a sitcom. | ||
| And then there's... | ||
| Whitney. | ||
| Whitney, who had a show that people didn't respond to that well, but then people said, well, it's going to be tweaked and they're going to figure it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But genuinely, people seem to like her. | ||
| She just has to find the right vehicle, right? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| How many of them are there these days? | ||
| It's not like it used to be. | ||
| Yeah, especially, well, also where they need to, you know, where they're getting their shot, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, you know, like, how many people are getting the opportunity to have their show, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because the talent, there's still talent, there's a bunch of talent out there, like, you know, there's definitely talented comics, female, male comics out there, but they have to get a shot to get their show. | ||
| That seemed to be like, that was in overdrive. | ||
| In that era that you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Of women. | ||
| Yeah, of women, but also, I think, just comics, too. | ||
| There was an era of pushing the comic to get the show. | ||
| And here's the thing that's funny. | ||
| When you're like, how come not that many stand-up, let's say, have a show right now? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Where it's an extension of the comic? | ||
| You look back on that era, and all of those shows were hits. | ||
| Like, the stand-up where the comic was elite, a lot of those were hits, man. | ||
| Yeah, there was a few bombs, though. | ||
| I was there for a few. | ||
| I watched a few. | ||
| I was a part of a few. | ||
| I had my own sitcom pilot for NBC once. | ||
| Yeah, it was called Overseas. | ||
| I don't even think it ever aired anywhere, even as a pilot. | ||
| You shot the pilot? | ||
| Yeah, it was a super expensive pilot. | ||
| But the thing about those development deals they try to do with stand-ups is that they would just throw a bunch of money at a comic and then get a bunch of writers that supposedly had some success on other shows and throw as much shit against the wall and see how much of it sticks. | ||
| And I think that it's... | ||
| It's real hard for you to take the one thing that you're fucking awesome at, which is stand-up. | ||
| The one thing that you can completely express yourself, you're uncensored, you're producing it, you're directing it, nobody's interfering with your vision of how the joke should play out. | ||
| And there's a big difference between that and being on a sitcom set. | ||
| And that difference is... | ||
| It's really fun being on a good sitcom. | ||
| It's terrible being on a bad sitcom. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| And it's not as much fun and rewarding as doing stand-up. | ||
| It's just not. | ||
| For me, at least. | ||
| It's fun doing a cool sitcom, but if I had a choice between watching the best sitcom ever or watching Richard Pryor do stand-up, I want to watch Richard Pryor. | ||
| That's the best stuff. | ||
| The best stuff is stand-up. | ||
| So it's like you do shit that's not as good as the best stuff, and it's just because they're paying you to do it. | ||
| That was how I was feeling about it. | ||
| And that thing that you don't really love to do and that they're paying you to do takes all day. | ||
| And then you don't have as much energy or time left over for the thing that you do love to do. | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| So the only reason why you should do it is to get exposure for your stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, which I hear, like, I mean, some of the comics that really like doing comedy, doing stand-up, that's, you know, generally what you hear them say is, like, it's just going to drive more people to see my show. | ||
| Yeah, that's how it should be. | ||
| That's how it should be, man. | ||
| That's how it should be. | ||
| The art of stand-up comedy didn't get any respect for a while in the 80s, I think, as an end destination. | ||
| Because everybody was like, you've got to get a sitcom. | ||
| You've got to get a sitcom. | ||
| That's what Jerry Seinfeld did. | ||
| When did you do your pilot in terms of your career? | ||
| I did it in the middle of news radio. | ||
| Oh, in the middle of that? | ||
| While I was doing news radio. | ||
| Yeah, because it was the same producer. | ||
| See, and that show spoiled the shit out of me, man. | ||
| Because they were so good. | ||
| The writers were so good. | ||
| And they were crazy. | ||
| They were so nuts. | ||
| They wouldn't even start a script until like 2 o'clock in the morning sometimes. | ||
| And they would show up and it would be like tape day. | ||
| Or rather, rehearsal day. | ||
| And we would get like the first 30 pages. | ||
| Or the first 5 pages or whatever it was. | ||
| We're going to give you the rest later. | ||
| And then scene two would come down at noon and they would shuffle down barefoot and slap it down. | ||
| They would go back. | ||
| And they would get to this state of sleep deprivation and come up with this really silly shit. | ||
| And I suspect it was because nobody had informed them about the benefits of weed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think if those guys were stoners, they weren't stoners. | ||
| If those guys were stoners, what they did sober was brilliant. | ||
| If those guys were high... | ||
| They could have come up with the most silly and ridiculous show in the history of the universe. | ||
| How many seasons was that show on for? | ||
| Five seasons. | ||
| Five? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought it was longer even. | ||
| No, it was just too short of syndication, like the normal syndication length. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It is in syndication. | ||
| Oh, it is in syndication, yeah. | ||
| But it's two episodes short. | ||
| We only did 98 instead of 100. You're supposed to have 100 so that they can sell it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it didn't become popular until after it was canceled. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it became popular when it would air on TV during regular TV time, like 7 o'clock and 8 o'clock and late night and shit like that when it was syndicated. | ||
| And then people were like, this show's kind of fucking funny. | ||
| It just got monkeyed around back then, man. | ||
| Back in the day when news radio was out, nobody knew where the fuck you were. | ||
| If they moved you from Monday to Wednesday, you're done, kid. | ||
| Nobody knows. | ||
| The other thing, more to your point about when you're just in charge of your stand-up, it shows, man, you're talking about so many people are giving their input. | ||
| The executives, the producers, the writers, it's so many people. | ||
| We should really do this. | ||
| We should really lose that. | ||
| Well, I don't like it when you come out that way. | ||
| I don't like it when you do that. | ||
| I don't like it when you... | ||
| Oh, stop. | ||
| Please. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| We can only do this one way. | ||
| And the only way I'm going to get advice is from funny people. | ||
| I can't get advice from someone who's a business person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, I just got to tell you that I think that I'm approaching it this way. | |
| When they give you a comedy note, that's just like... | ||
| I had a conversation with a guy who was talking about a podcast. | ||
| He goes, you guys have really nailed down your brand. | ||
| And I'm like, ew! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew! | |
| You're gross! | ||
| That's the last thing we've done. | ||
| Nailed down our brand. | ||
| Ew! | ||
| He's like, you know, I go, what do you mean by that? | ||
| It's like, well, you know, people know what kind of, you know, what you're putting out there. | ||
| It's like, you know, you've really, like, well-defined your brand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew! | |
| Ew! | ||
| Why my brand? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about, you silly bitch? | ||
| It's like showbiz talk. | ||
| Well, we're trying to, right now, we're working on his development deal, but we just don't want to sign with anyone. | ||
| We really want to work on developing his brand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can you get my brand? | ||
| Are you a bottle of ketchup, you fuck? | ||
| Define who I am. | ||
| Why do you need a brand? | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| You silly bitch. | ||
| Yeah, it's so ridiculous. | ||
| If you're that defined, then you become immobile. | ||
| You become locked into an Emo Phillips-type character. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Imagine going to see Emo Phillips and he tries to do straight stand-up. | ||
| You're like, hey, hey, fuckhead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why aren't you acting like you're poison? | ||
| Weird it up, man. | ||
| Weird it up. | ||
| Weird it up, shithead. | ||
| What's this you just standing there telling me about butter? | ||
| Get a move on. | ||
| I came to see your fucking funky act. | ||
| I love it, man. | ||
| Well, if you're not going to do it, where's Judy Tenuta? | ||
| I want to see your weird shit. | ||
| Yeah, I'm here to see your... | ||
| Did you ever notice? | ||
| How do you go from doing that to trying to do just regular stand-up? | ||
| I only give him shit because I know he tells his opening acts not to swear. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I've heard from dudes who... | ||
| I don't know exactly. | ||
| I wasn't really there. | ||
| They could have been a bunch of bitter twats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I don't remember who it was. | ||
| They said he got harassed for being too dirty and opening for him. | ||
| Man, that sucks. | ||
| It might have been Hefron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| God, I wish I remembered who it was. | ||
| What happened to Hefron? | ||
| Gotta get him back in here, man. | ||
| I've had it said passive-aggressively before to me, you know, opening for somebody like, you say fuck a lot, huh? | ||
| And you're like, do I? And they're like, oh, no, no, no, it's not a thing. | ||
| And you're like, you just made it a thing because you just hinted that it was a thing. | ||
| In Boston, they used to always decide, like headliners would decide who would hope for them. | ||
| And they would get them out of here, breaks the fuck meter. | ||
| That was like the big thing. | ||
| They didn't want to go after anybody dirty. | ||
| Because if you wanted to have any sort of shock value to your comedy whatsoever, that just means your comedy's not that good. | ||
| That's how I always felt. | ||
| The best guys can go on after anybody. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Especially when people know who they are. | ||
| I got a chance to see Hedberg a bunch of times. | ||
| And I saw Hedberg in front of people who were fans. | ||
| And I got to see a Hedberg in front of people who had no idea who he was. |
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