Sept. 6, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:35:05
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Thanks, buddy. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Did we start again? | ||
| Did we do the ads again? | ||
| Listen, folks. | ||
| I'm a retard. | ||
| I'm a little tech friend. | ||
| My technologically enhanced friend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck to do this. | ||
| I'm just winging this shit, son. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Just guessing and flipping cues. | ||
| You were able to fade the song out? | ||
| Yeah, I did a good job with that. | ||
| Let me make sure that if I switch to this view that people still hear it. | ||
| People still hear it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| I'm a retard bro. | ||
| You just don't know the system. | ||
| I'm a retarded person. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| I got in an argument with someone in the middle of the argument. | ||
| They go, what's seven times 40? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, I don't fucking know. | |
| We're upset at each other. | ||
| I can't do math. | ||
| The fuck you asked me to do math? | ||
| What kind of tricks is that? | ||
| Are you trying to make me think I'm stupid? | ||
| What does that have to do with it? | ||
| Well, it's like, mission accomplished. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a lot of numbers. | ||
| I'm dumb with numbers, dude. | ||
| I'm really dumb with numbers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I have to really force myself. | ||
| Because when I was a kid, I just had really bad times in math. | ||
| I thought it was so boring. | ||
| I had a terrible attitude about it. | ||
| I never had anybody who was an enthusiastic math teacher. | ||
| And my teachers were not terrible, terrible teachers. | ||
| They just were bored. | ||
| They just were uninspired. | ||
| They weren't really into... | ||
| I remember one time there was a documentary on... | ||
| About Lake Erie. | ||
| There was this one crazy science professor in our class. | ||
| Science teacher, I guess. | ||
| Mr. Holman. | ||
| And he was always, like, late with the facts. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was always, like, you know, some shit that was true, like, a while ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would not be, like, kept up to it. | ||
| So this thing was about... | ||
| He just kept saying... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was about Lake Erie. | ||
| He was like, the world's not round. | ||
| It's oval. | ||
| He was insisting that Lake Erie was a dying lake. | ||
| And I said... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, a dead lake, because Lake Erie really has been... | ||
| Is it going to dry up? | ||
| No, really badly polluted. | ||
| Oh, so there's no life in it. | ||
| Yeah, I think Lake Erie had to make a big comeback, but they cleaned it up. | ||
| And there was a whole documentary that was on PBS really recently, like the night before. | ||
| And me and another kid in the class were talking about the documentary. | ||
| I was like, we just saw something on PBS that said it's making this comeback to show all these fishermen. | ||
| - Yeah, that's PBS. | ||
| - Yes, exactly. - When it's some guy who went to school 40 years ago. - But he didn't even listen to us. | ||
| He dismissed it. | ||
| He didn't want to talk about it. | ||
| He didn't acknowledge that maybe there was possibly some new data that he had been teaching some shit that somebody figured out in 1980 or something. | ||
| Back then, you weren't really on top of shit. | ||
| You weren't really on top of what the fuck is going on in the news. | ||
| If you're freeballing on stage in front of the class telling people, and that's why Lake Erie is a dead lake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then some kid goes, no, it's not dead. | ||
| There was a whole documentary on TV, man. | ||
| And he said, fuck you? | ||
|
unidentified
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No way. | |
| He didn't listen. | ||
| He didn't even want to acknowledge it. | ||
| Whereas if you said that to me, if I was saying, obviously I'm not a fucking teacher. | ||
| But if you, for whatever reason, were talking to me about that, and you brought up that PBS ran a whole documentary on it, I would have to go, ooh, I didn't see that. | ||
| I would have to go, oh, wow, is this new stuff? | ||
| Maybe there's some improvements. | ||
| Well, that's good news. | ||
| It's good news that science can actually clean up the ocean and the rivers and the lakes as well as fuck them up. | ||
| You're happily surprised to hear it. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice. | ||
| Well, it is beautiful that they have made some pretty significant, they have had some pretty significant results in cleaning up some types of spills. | ||
| They've come up with new types of bacteria that actually eat oil and can help clean up places like the Gulf and situations like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I heard about that pile of plastic that you always talk about? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When they say, how big is it? | ||
| Like twice the size of Texas? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They said that's such a humongously gross exaggeration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's less than one one-hundredth of the size of Texas. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they said that kind of exaggeration discredits the actual problem that's there. | ||
| because it makes people write off everything. | ||
| It's humongous. | ||
| But Texas is massive. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| So they're just being like typical liberals? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyone wants to make sure everyone knows about it. | ||
| It's like, I held my breath for 10 seconds. | ||
| Oh, that's a long time. | ||
| Somebody else wants to be like, I held my breath for 5 minutes. | ||
| And you're like, no you didn't. | ||
| You went too far. | ||
| Well, you can do that. | ||
| There was a guy, that David Blaine guy, I think holds the world record. | ||
| Held his breath for five minutes? | ||
| Oh, more than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, more than that. | ||
| I think he did something crazy, like 13 or 14 minutes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got the world record, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| I know that sounds crazy. | ||
| You think he trains? | ||
| 13 or 14 minutes. | ||
| Sounds so stupid. | ||
| Look that up. | ||
| You know where I'm getting this from? | ||
| Brian Callen. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Fucking love Brian Callen. | ||
| And he had a hawk on his shoulder the whole time. | ||
| Brian Callen's a beautiful person. | ||
| Fucking love that dude. | ||
| It might be true, though. | ||
| Because David Blaine... | ||
| David Blaine, call him a magician. | ||
| Call him whatever the fuck you want to do. | ||
| I will call David Blaine a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Okay, because I couldn't stand in that ice for three days. | ||
| Which one's David Blaine, the new one or the old one? | ||
| He's the crazy guy that would hang out in a box and just fucking live his life. | ||
| No, did he? | ||
| Did he do something like that? | ||
| Somebody did that. | ||
| David Copperfield was the old one. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's the type of guy that would make the Statue of Liberty disappear. | ||
| He would also abduct somebody in Aruba for fucking however long. | ||
| Breath world record. | ||
| 13 or 14. That'd be nuts. | ||
| I couldn't do it for 30 seconds. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not that good at holding my breath. | ||
| I'm going to try it right now. | ||
| You know what, Brian? | ||
| That was one of the greatest things anybody's ever said. | ||
| Okay, 17 and a... | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| 17 and a half minutes? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| 17 minutes, four and a half seconds. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| That's how long he did it for? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| This is insane, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How the fuck did he do that? | |
| That's not just kind of crazy. | ||
| Think of how long the time is between a sitcom scene starting and then they go to commercial. | ||
| How many is that? | ||
| How many minutes is that? | ||
| Is that seven minutes or something like that? | ||
| Two of those. | ||
| Dude, plus some. | ||
| That's a long time. | ||
| Think of like an episode of Friends. | ||
| Like two of those things that held the fucking crazy of Marshall. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| All before they go to commercial. | ||
| Think of that. | ||
| He's held his breath through that whole thing. | ||
| And then some. | ||
| Two of those. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That was just 40 seconds. | ||
| That seemed like forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's a weird guy, man. | |
| Yeah, he goes all the way through the first break and the second break. | ||
| If that guy was a fighter, he would be a scary guy. | ||
| David Blaine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever see black people react to him? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| Black people still have a weird thing about magic. | ||
| And they react like, no! | ||
| No! | ||
| They push each other and shove and run away because they have that weird thing and they just can't say it's a trick. | ||
| They feel strange about it. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They're scared of his magic? | ||
| They're scared of magic in general. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a racist thing to say. | ||
| It's a racial observation. | ||
| I grew up with elders teaching me that black people are scared of magic. | ||
| I watched, by the way, a Jewish horror movie the other day. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| It's this new movie... | ||
| No, this new movie, the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is it called? | |
| The Possession or some shit like that. | ||
| About the Dybbuk box? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You saw that? | ||
| I think I auditioned for it. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I took a movie about this? | |
| It was fucking good, man. | ||
| About them holing up an evil spirit inside a box? | ||
| It was a good horror movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it was no Apocalypse Now, but it was a fun horror movie. | ||
| I enjoyed the shit out of it. | ||
| The dude from The Watchmen that looks like Brad Garrett, but he's not Brad Garrett. | ||
| Here's what I gotta start doing. | ||
| Yeah, I know that guy. | ||
| Here's what I gotta start doing. | ||
| I gotta start going to movies and saying this is just supposed to be dumb fun. | ||
| That's all this is supposed to be. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like Expendables or whatever. | ||
| That's all I'm down for. | ||
| I'm down for like the Avengers and werewolf movies. | ||
| Just like let's root for the good guys and don't worry about it. | ||
| And I'll fuck around and see a Twilight movie with Mrs. Rogan if I get crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just to find out what the fuck is going on. | ||
| I'm going to go see Fifty Shades of Grey too, just to find out what the fuck is going on with the culture. | ||
| That's a sex book, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something going on with us, man. | ||
| Well, here's what it is. | ||
| We're not getting our rocks off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Girls want the porn just like we want it, but theirs is not what we want. | ||
| There's a romance porn. | ||
| There's a different kind of porn. | ||
| There's a vampire who will risk everything just to be with them. | ||
| You know, guys. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Some will turn down their special power. | ||
| I've had conversations with a bunch of different people about this. | ||
| But every girl's like, I want that kind of love too. | ||
| It's like, well, you don't get that. | ||
| You don't get that kind of love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not real. | |
| There's no vampires. | ||
| There's no vampires. | ||
| Nobody's giving up their power. | ||
| What are you... | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| Somebody told me this the other day too. | ||
| It's like, wait, so that kid has been around? | ||
| Who told me this? | ||
| That guy has been around for 2,000 years and he's in love with a 16-year-old? | ||
| Exactly, that was me. | ||
| Oh, that's who it was. | ||
| I said he was a fucking pervert, man. | ||
| He was a piece of shit. | ||
| A thousand-year-old dude hanging out with a 17-year-old girl. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That was me, I know. | ||
| Yeah, it's like ridiculous. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| It's such a stupid idea that he would still be in high school. | ||
| And he's going to give up his power? | ||
| Yeah, he's got to pretend he's in high school. | ||
| For a six! | ||
| Well, I'm still in high school. | ||
| What, you can't pretend you're 18, you're out of school? | ||
| You can't pretend that. | ||
|
unidentified
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You look like you're 25. You can't just wander through the streets. | |
| You gotta show up at school every day like everybody else. | ||
| Put a little gray in your hair and go to a bar and hang out at night with regular people who are into regular things. | ||
| Shave your head, stupid. | ||
| What do they get your references about the count? | ||
| Yeah, you don't have to tell people you're 17. You look like you're 25. Go, just go, go. | ||
| Leave school. | ||
| You can graduate this year. | ||
| What kind of nonsense is that? | ||
| He's going to keep enrolling in school? | ||
| Is the truant officer going to stop a vampire from running around? | ||
| It's a whole family of vampires that only eat deer. | ||
| What? | ||
| The fuck are you saying? | ||
| You've got nice people vampires that run around eating deers? | ||
| In those movies, let me ask you a question. | ||
| In those movies, do they already know everything that's being taught? | ||
| In school? | ||
| Yeah, they must know everything. | ||
| Make that guy sit there. | ||
| That's like some sort of a crazy torture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Chinese water torture. | ||
| One water drips on you, it's no big deal. | ||
| But if water keeps dripping on you for a hundred hours, you might lose your fucking marbles. | ||
| Like Groundhog Day. | ||
| Yeah, you might go crazy. | ||
| By the year. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, what do you transfer schools every two years? | ||
| Fucking vampire that doesn't bite you. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I want my cake and I want to eat it too. | ||
| I want that kind of love. | ||
| I want to be a stay-at-home mom and have a career. | ||
| This is why I respect you. | ||
| That sounds like a crazy person. | ||
| This is why you're not equals. | ||
| I want to fly and be a person. | ||
| Well, you better get a plane, bitch, because you can't do that shit with your body. | ||
| You can't really fly. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| How can you want that? | ||
| What do we want? | ||
| Blowjob. | ||
| Release. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| The release from the junkie of the penis that wants to explode squirty stuff out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those movies ruin it for all of us. | ||
| They ruin it for all of us. | ||
| What, porn movies? | ||
| No, not porn. | ||
| The girl porn movies. | ||
| Yeah, the girl porn movies. | ||
| When they don't know, but they're like, I sort of expect something better now. | ||
| Well, you know, they're just responding to a lack of romance. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of people that don't find anybody who's really into them. | ||
| You know, it's fucking hard to find someone who just, well, you're exactly what they're looking for and they're exactly what you're looking for. | ||
| Because a lot of times it's just one. | ||
| One of those is there. | ||
| Like the guy's into the girl or the girl's into the guy or, you know, someone's annoying. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| No one's exactly what anybody's looking for. | ||
| No, that's so not true, dude. | ||
| I know people, it's rare as fuck. | ||
| And nothing. | ||
| Not even like, I wish they put their socks away more. | ||
| I wish they were a little more. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Okay, that's a crazy person worrying about socks. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| It's a crazy example. | ||
|
unidentified
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We get to the bottom of Mr. Shafia's problem. | |
| Here, he's trying already to sabotage with clothing. | ||
| Nothing has to do with behavior. | ||
| It's all clothing now. | ||
| He's trying for anything. | ||
| That sounds like that guy, the Donald Duck. | ||
| Remember the old cartoon with the Donald Duck scientist? | ||
| When he was talking about the road rage that happens? | ||
| Remember that one? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The driver gets in the car and he just turns into this thing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, he's like a scientist duck. | ||
| A scientist duck. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You sounded just like that. | ||
| I haven't thought about that guy in a long time. | ||
| Now I can never do that voice again. | ||
| It's lost. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You won't be able to reproduce it? | ||
| I can only do like a couple of voices, like confidently. | ||
| And I have to be around them all the time. | ||
| Like Joey Diaz, I'm around Joey Diaz all the time. | ||
| So I can do Joey Diaz easy. | ||
| But other ones like that, I had them for a while and then they're gone. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Arnold's easy. | ||
| You can do Arnold's easy. | ||
| Arnold. | ||
| Arnold's easy is the only guy you can do with just noises. | ||
| You can do just like... | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| That's the impression. | ||
| I've never seen that not work on stage. | ||
| Yeah, it's so dumb. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's a noise, but it's that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whereas, I don't think that's the... | ||
| I can't think of any... | ||
| Maybe Stallone, I guess, is like... | ||
| There's like a little bit of a noise. | ||
| Not as much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so many movies where he was yelling, where you're like, what the fuck is yelling like that for? | ||
| And a normal person would be like, ah! | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| The most bizarre... | ||
| Did you see the remake of... | ||
| Conan? | ||
| No, not Conan. | ||
| Where's the sweet spot? | ||
| Dude, wherever your fucking beautiful face is. | ||
| The remake of... | ||
| That's the sweet spot right there. | ||
| Total Recall. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just out of respect. | ||
| I already got shit from Joey Diaz for seeing the new version of The Mechanic. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Joey Dears almost stabbed me. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, I don't have respect for Charles Bronson, dog. | ||
| You go to that fucking piece of shit. | ||
| That fucking Jason Statham, that little pansy. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's gonna play Charles Bronson's character, cocksucker. | |
| He went crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
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Was it good? | |
| No, I didn't see that fucking movie. | ||
| It was very good. | ||
| I bet. | ||
|
unidentified
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It was very good. | |
| Statham is one of the coolest guys. | ||
| I love Statham, and I love that dude who I don't remember his name, but he was in that movie... | ||
| The vampire movie about Alaska. | ||
| Vampire movie? | ||
| Oh, it's all night long? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck is it? | ||
| 30 days of night or something like that? | ||
| 60 days of night? | ||
| 90 days of night? | ||
| 120 days? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it was. | ||
| The vampire... | ||
| Whatever the fucking... | ||
| Somebody on Twitter was screaming at me, I'm sure, right now. | ||
|
unidentified
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You idiot! | |
| You fucking moron! | ||
| How are you, the one who gets to talk? | ||
|
unidentified
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Charles and Mac has produced it for over six months! | |
| But he was a badass in that fucking movie, that vampire, 30 Days of Night. | ||
| 30 Days of Night. | ||
| You got him the first guest. | ||
| Yeah, that movie, I gotta find out this dude's name now because he was so fucking good in that movie. | ||
| It was like chilling because it's such a stupid premise. | ||
| That you're in a vampire. | ||
| It's sort of cool. | ||
| Vampires would go with this more night. | ||
| But these were legit. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| These were legit what? | ||
| Vampires? | ||
| These were legit vampires. | ||
| This is one of the last movies. | ||
| Oh yeah, where they're badass. | ||
| 30 Days of Night where they were fucking terrifying legit vampires. | ||
| They were awesome. | ||
| Why couldn't they find those people? | ||
| Why couldn't they go door to door? | ||
| They didn't want to. | ||
| They weren't really into looking that hard. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| They had to hide away and go from place to place. | ||
| His name is Danny Houston? | ||
| Is that the homeboy's name? | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| This guy played the vampire. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, this guy was one of the guys in that movie that was awesome, but he wasn't the guy that I was thinking about. | ||
| There's a guy who played the vampire familiar. | ||
| He played the person that was hoping they were going to turn him into a vampire. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That guy never works out for him, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah, it never works out. | ||
| That guy always gets jacked. | ||
| Double-crossed? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he's always kind of a piece of shit, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's always something wrong with him. | ||
| The familiar. | ||
| But he's such a good weasel, you know? | ||
| And in this movie, he had, like, rotten teeth, and he was all fucked up looking. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was awesome. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| They didn't allow him to have a... | ||
| They always kill those guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They did it in the Hunger Games, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you gotta kill those guys. | ||
| Gotta kill them eventually. | ||
| You can't let those guys fucking go on. | ||
| Ben Foster, that's his name. | ||
| Ben Foster? | ||
| Yeah, he's from Boston. | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| That dude is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Keep an eye on that dude as far as, like... | ||
| Like watching a guy who can really pull off someone fucked up in a movie. | ||
| Holy shit is he good. | ||
| He was the familiar? | ||
| He was the familiar. | ||
| He was so good in it. | ||
| It was like, this is a silly role. | ||
|
unidentified
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I mean, you got to pretend they're going to turn me into a vampire. | |
| It seems so stupid. | ||
| But he did it so creepy and so fucked up that he looked like a guy who had been so shell-shocked. | ||
| Before they put him in this prison, he was so shell-shocked. | ||
| Because he had seen like just vampires just gutting people everywhere he went. | ||
| And they were going to turn him into a vampire and eventually they just, spoiler alert, eventually they fucking eat his face. | ||
| And it's pretty intense. | ||
| But you buy it. | ||
| His acting, the rawness of it all. | ||
| Do they get him fast or do they like slow? | ||
| Oh, they fuck you up, man. | ||
| These are scary vampires. | ||
|
unidentified
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They don't wait. | |
| They don't wait. | ||
| They do that fucking shit with their blood spraying. | ||
| Like a wolf would eat your face. | ||
| You know, a wolf wouldn't eat your face like a panther would eat your face. | ||
| If you're turning someone into another vampire, can you just drink a little of their blood and stop? | ||
| Yeah, so you have to drink a little. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| They all make their own rules now. | ||
| Vampires can go outside in the day. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Blade started with that shit. | ||
| Remember that they put sunscreen on that dude? | ||
| On Black Blade? | ||
| Black Blade. | ||
| They put sunscreen on the other dude. | ||
| Oh, so he could walk with him. | ||
| What is the handsome fella? | ||
| It doesn't work that much anymore. | ||
| He was in that movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was in Two Girls, a Pizza Place, and Two Girls, a Guy, and a Pizza Place. | ||
| Was he in that one, too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Devastatingly. | ||
| Steven Dorff? | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| Oh, that guy. | ||
| That guy was out. | ||
| Handsome fellow, Steven Dorff. | ||
| And he was... | ||
| He's got a beautiful face. | ||
| But anyway, all he had to do was put this sunscreen on, and he was okay. | ||
| He was protected from the fucking sun. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's nonsense! | ||
| And the vampires couldn't figure that out? | ||
| Yeah, come on, man. | ||
| Vampires would go outside and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Fucking burst into flame. | ||
| Also, sunscreen lasts like 45 minutes. | ||
| Yeah, come on, man. | ||
| You're going to put some fucking sunscreen on and you're not going to burst into flames. | ||
| You're treating me like I'm an asshole. | ||
| Do you know the sunscreen companies just revolted against, like, America had to make them put legit stuff on their bottles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| What were they doing? | ||
| Just lying about the SPF? Saying waterproof. | ||
| SPFs were ranges. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it's waterproof, it's paint. | ||
| It's paint? | ||
| Yeah, it's paint. | ||
| You're going to paint your fucking head. | ||
| But it's like, no, no, it's not waterproof. | ||
| It'll come off in the water. | ||
| Putting words like sport on there to make you think, oh, I can just have this on for hours. | ||
| You're making people get skin cancer. | ||
| I developed some real problems with sensitive eyes because of sunscreens. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because I had to use sunscreen so much on Fear Factor. | ||
| When I did Fear Factor... | ||
| Because you're outside all the time. | ||
| When I first started doing it, I was like a retard. | ||
| I didn't wear sunscreen. | ||
| The first couple of days that I ever worked it, I was just outside just getting cooked. | ||
| And I got really fucking burnt. | ||
| So I was like, alright, I gotta wear sunscreen. | ||
| So I was wearing sunscreen like three and four days a week standing outside while this shit drips in your eyes whenever you get any kind of sweat. | ||
| Yeah, and it stinks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a lot of times it's a sweaty day. | ||
| It's really possible for a little bit of the chemical to get moisture and it just drips into the corners of your eyes. | ||
| Then it would sting like a motherfucker. | ||
| Sometimes I would go on stage at the store and I forgot that I had sunscreen on my forehead so it would sweat. | ||
| And then while I was on stage sweating it would drip into my eyes and it would be horrific, man. | ||
| It would be like my eyes are getting burned. | ||
| Like I was getting chemical burns in my eyes. | ||
| And because of that I've had problems like swimming doesn't feel the same way in the ocean anymore. | ||
| It's much more painful than it used to be. | ||
| Swimming in the ocean is like, wow, this fucking stings. | ||
| Where swimming in fresh water is like no problem at all. | ||
| And that to me, the fact that the salt stings, it's like, man, it feels like there might have been some damage there or something. | ||
| Also, when you're swimming in and it comes up, then it runs into your face a lot more too, into your eyes. | ||
| Well, it's just the fact that it gets in your eyes. | ||
| So what does it do to you now? | ||
| What are your eyes like? | ||
| They sting. | ||
| They sting if I get in the salt water. | ||
| More so? | ||
| Yeah, more so than when I was younger. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being burned a few times. | ||
| At least three times it was really painful where I got really burned. | ||
| Like legitimately it hurt? | ||
| Oh yeah, like on stage, it's crying. | ||
| I'm crying. | ||
| Yeah, you don't react to pain that well too. | ||
| My eyes sting. | ||
| Whoa, my pussy? | ||
| No, no, the other way. | ||
| I mean, you don't ever react to me. | ||
| I was like, what's up, bro? | ||
| I got so upset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Relax. | |
| What's up, bro? | ||
| Am I a pussy? | ||
| No. | ||
| I would expect if you were in high school with me, you would have been one of those kids that came in. | ||
| Just hand over a flame. | ||
| No, I never did. | ||
| I don't want pain. | ||
| But I've been pretty good at shutting it out. | ||
| Like getting tattooed, you have to shut it out. | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| But it's not that hard, man. | ||
| I almost fainted. | ||
| Oh my god, really? | ||
| It didn't even hurt. | ||
| It just pinchy. | ||
| I was with Bella. | ||
| Remember Bella? | ||
| Bella Julia. | ||
| Uh-huh, sure. | ||
| Yeah, we went to get them. | ||
| And she got one, and I got one. | ||
| You got a way harder spot than I do. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| No way. | ||
| The sleeve? | ||
| Yeah, I'm telling you. | ||
| That side area is brutal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just fat. | |
| It's one of the most sensitive areas. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| It's supposed to be super sensitive. | ||
| Especially, like, the ribs. | ||
| Apparently, if you get tattooed on the ribs... | ||
| Because that bone is right underneath. | ||
| Motherfucker! | ||
| You feel, like, rattling your rib cage with pain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| Really? | ||
| It's like right over the bone. | ||
| You're like, oh Jesus! | ||
| That's how I've heard it described. | ||
| There's just a few spots when I was getting my left sleeve. | ||
| My right sleeve is only probably like 60% right now. | ||
| I've got to go to Aaron Della Vadova at Guru Tattoo in San Diego. | ||
| Holler at your boy. | ||
| I want to finish this Musashi one. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| What was it, Monkey? | ||
| I have a t-shirt from them. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Honky Kong. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have a lot of great artists. | ||
| San Diego is such a fucking cool town. | ||
| That's a good place to go and start a cult. | ||
| Maybe we should start our colony in San Diego. | ||
| It's not too far from LA. I think that was the first place I got laid on the road. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Congratulations. | |
| I think that might have been that place. | ||
| Powerful Shafir. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a nice place to get laid. | ||
| La Jolla? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How beautiful is La Jolla? | ||
| You had to coach me through it. | ||
| I didn't know how to read the signs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was me, you, and Ingram or something down there or something. | ||
| I think Ingram was on. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was outside. | ||
| The show was still going on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Some girl said something to me like, oh, you're really funny and then went outside to smoke. | ||
| That's when I was still smoking. | ||
| And you're like, did you go get her number? | ||
| I was like, no, could I? And you're like, yes. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| Yeah, you were on the hunt and that girl came up and totally made the first move on you. | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't read it. | ||
| Yeah, and you went on stage and you talked about not having a girlfriend. | ||
| You were like all green lights ahead. | ||
| You were dirty as fuck. | ||
| Dirty as fuck. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| But you killed. | ||
| And that's what's important. | ||
| You killed. | ||
| You were the fucking man for whatever it was, 20 minutes. | ||
| You were the man. | ||
| She's like, oh my god, I love him. | ||
| She's thinking about that. | ||
| You were like, go use your smoking for good for once. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And go out there. | ||
| Yeah, go get some, son. | ||
| I was so nervous, too. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| And I went and talked. | ||
| I was like, you want to hang out? | ||
| And she was like, yeah, sure. | ||
| Isn't it weird how you get more comfortable meeting new people? | ||
| It's any experience. | ||
| I used to get nervous when I would go to a bank teller. | ||
| This is, by the way... | ||
| When you were what, like 17, 18? | ||
| Oh, yeah, like I was 18, when I already fought in martial arts tournaments. | ||
| I mean, I got scared of that, too, but I would be tongue-tied and nervous when I was going to talk to the teller. | ||
| Just a new person. | ||
| Maybe that. | ||
| Maybe a person of authority. | ||
| I just would get weird talking to people. | ||
| When I went for long periods of time, just training and not talking to people too much, I got real weird social anxiety shit for a while. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I got real weird. | ||
| I can't imagine that. | ||
| No, for sure. | ||
| What if somebody introduced you to somebody? | ||
| Well, I was very... | ||
| I mean, I was still pretty confident in myself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, unreasonably confident in myself because of my martial arts stuff. | ||
| But I was still, like, really weird with people socially. | ||
| Like, I would get nervous talking to them, you know? | ||
| Anybody. | ||
| Anybody. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, look, I didn't grow up feeling like the most appreciated person, so a lot of times when I was around someone new, I would think they were going to judge me, and oh, how long before this guy starts picking on me? | ||
| How long before this person starts picking on me? | ||
| How long before he finds out that I'm supposed to be picked on? | ||
| That I'm a loser, yeah. | ||
| And when you feel like that, as a young person growing up, it's super easy to have yourself fall into those situations. | ||
| So I would get like super... | ||
| I could imagine it now. | ||
| Like now when I go to the bank, I look forward to saying hi to the lady. | ||
| You know, I look forward to going, hello, how you doing? | ||
| Everything good? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| You know, I think that there's like... | ||
| Did you hear that earthquake yesterday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You get into a little discussion with people. | ||
| I learned that from Diaz. | ||
| It's nice if you can do that. | ||
| You know, if you find someone who really will have a nice little, quick little nice conversation with you. | ||
| And you both feel good. | ||
| Everybody feels good. | ||
| Or you can just be that selfish, senseless asshole. | ||
| Just, can I help you? | ||
| What do you need? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Write it down. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
| You're a robot. | ||
| Just interact with people all day. | ||
| Maybe it would be fun. | ||
| If Joey Diaz worked at a fucking post office box place, it would be a fun place to go. | ||
| I'm friends with all the post office people. | ||
| They told me once how to do it, like separate stuff, and I do it every time. | ||
| They'll stop and come over like, oh, you got another shipment? | ||
| You know, Eddie Bravo used to work at UPS. He used to sort boxes. | ||
| He would stand next to these runways, and the boxes would come at him, and he would grab the boxes and have to chuck them into different places that correspond to different... | ||
| Like LaVorne and Shirley? | ||
| Like different area codes, or zip codes, rather. | ||
| Is it zip codes? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Zip codes is the end of a letter. | ||
| Yeah, so he had to put them into different places. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| What show? | ||
| Laverne and Shirley. | ||
| Did they do that? | ||
| With the bottles where they had to... | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| They had to do that with the brewery. | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| It wasn't past, was it? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was a fake one, right? | ||
| Schatz? | ||
| Schatz Brewery? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Schlotzky's? | |
| No, that's a real one. | ||
| What the fuck is it, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't remember. | ||
| That was a great show, though, when we were kids. | ||
| Laverne and Shirley was decent. | ||
| It was really hard to watch now. | ||
| Answer me this. | ||
| What show is good to watch now? | ||
| Why is it that there were so many good female comedians from that era? | ||
| Like Carol Burnett and Laverne Shirley. | ||
| They were like real legit shows that people wanted to watch. | ||
| Mary Tyler Moore. | ||
| I think it was maybe because of this. | ||
| I'm going to offer something that will probably get me in trouble. | ||
| But I think it's because in those days, Hollywood, the people in charge of choosing, hadn't yet said we've got to find prettier people. | ||
| The management system hadn't come in and promoted people from within to get like, well, who do you have to choose from now? | ||
| A bunch of people they've told us these are who you have to choose from. | ||
| You don't get like the people who are just naturally talented to rise through the ranks anymore. | ||
| If you look at Saturday Night Live now, most of those people are better looking now than when it started. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like everything has sort of changed. | ||
| And you're going to get prettier people to look at, which is nice, but you're also not going to necessarily get the funniest or most talented, most creative person that way. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And also Carol Burnett allowed everybody else to shine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, and they had a super talented crew. | ||
| Is that thing falling apart on you, man? | ||
| You keep fucking with it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm trying to get to the right spot. | ||
| Don't touch it. | ||
| Don't touch it. | ||
| Just leave it alone. | ||
| Yeah, Carol Burnett had a super talented crew. | ||
| It's just hard for us to recognize now, because if you tried to watch the Carol Burnett show right now, I don't know if you'd really, truly enjoy it. | ||
| I think I should go watch some of those shows, because some of those, like In Living Color, you can't watch at all now. | ||
| Certain shows you cannot watch. | ||
| Lenny Bruce, if that's who you're looking at. | ||
| Yeah, I was going to point to that Lenny Bruce poster that I have on my wall. | ||
| Look, I give it up to Lenny Bruce. | ||
| I think we all have to. | ||
| That was the originator. | ||
| That was the first guy. | ||
| If it wasn't for that guy, it would have taken a lot longer to get to this. | ||
| For what you and I do, that guy is so super important. | ||
| But if you try to watch his stuff today, it's odd. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| There's one where he's on stage for over an hour reading legal documents. | ||
| Just trying shit? | ||
| No, just talking about the points of his case. | ||
| He went crazy because he was getting charged with obscenity. | ||
| And so he would go on stage and read his fucking case. | ||
| He was the first one to suffer from that, from thinking how famous he was, he should be talking about it. | ||
| Oh yeah, he fucking fell apart because of it. | ||
| And his world was a whole world. | ||
| The court cases, and then on top of that, the heroin, he was severely depressed, I'm sure, because of a lot of it. | ||
| All those guys that got arrested for saying things, even the two live crew, we owe them. | ||
| We owe them. | ||
| Because if it wasn't for people who broke down the door with obscenity, even though I don't, I mean, put your dips on my dick and sick my asshole too. | ||
| I mean, look, love it or hate it, it's a form of art. | ||
| It's a ridiculous form of art. | ||
| It's like, why should you tell them not to say that? | ||
| That's what we believe in, that they should be allowed to say that. | ||
| Who cares what it is? | ||
| If they like it, what's it to you? | ||
| As long as they're not playing it in your face, and I don't think you should be playing Beethoven in anybody's face either. | ||
| At some point, we bat out on the Christians a little too much. | ||
| A little too much. | ||
| We're like, hey, how about there's going to be some cursing on television, so just research what you're going to watch and police your kids on your own. | ||
| Florida's so gangster. | ||
| We all want this. | ||
| Florida's got a lot of really strange laws. | ||
| Some people like them, but some people think that they're really nuts. | ||
| Florida has a really large community of conservative people. | ||
| So they have some pretty strict laws when it comes to pornography and things like that. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, so when they have someone, like, say this guy, remember that dude who went to jail for obscenity? | ||
| Max Hardcore? | ||
| He does, like, really intense shit. | ||
| Like, really intense, like, shameful, horrible things to people. | ||
| Just, like, pissing in her asshole, and then they drink it with a straw. | ||
| Oh, my. | ||
| Yeah, like, intense stuff. | ||
| It's weekend stuff. | ||
| Intense, intense stuff. | ||
| Pissing in your mouth while he's got a hard-on somehow or another. | ||
| And then he forces her head down and he pisses in her mouth some more and she's gagging and throwing up piss. | ||
| Yeah, so what they did with this guy is they decided to make a case out of him. | ||
| So they sent his stuff to Florida. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they sent it to some place that has very strict pornography laws. | ||
| And so that place is like, okay, well now we'll prosecute them based on our perception of what's upsetting. | ||
| Yeah, different perceptions. | ||
| Yeah, that's where it gets crazy. | ||
| And that's Florida. | ||
| Didn't they run the meth where people just go from spot to spot to spot in Florida? | ||
| It's not meth, but it's OxyContin's. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Still do. | ||
| You can just get a certain amount out of every single city. | ||
| Yeah, and they're trying to stop or slow the tide on the amount of prescriptions that they give out, but the fact is there's so many people that already have them. | ||
| There's so many people that are addicted to that stuff, and if they all stop cold turkey, they're all going to die. | ||
| So you've got to figure out how to get these people off this zombie drug that you guys have been making billions off. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good luck, you fucking assholes. | ||
| You crazy assholes that have made all your money. | ||
| Enjoy your yacht. | ||
| You've enslaved a population. | ||
| You've enslaved a population with vampire dust. | ||
| You've turned people into zombies. | ||
| You know what they'll say? | ||
| What do they say? | ||
| They'll say, well, I just don't think about it. | ||
| They're going to stand right beside Mitt Romney and say, we did build it. | ||
| We did build it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody got mad at me because I got mad at Obama for that expression that he used. | ||
| What expression? | ||
| Where he said, you didn't build that. | ||
| You didn't build the infrastructure. | ||
| He was talking about the reason why we have... | ||
| Such a great society that people are able to create jobs and start their own businesses is because there's this infrastructure and you need to contribute to that. | ||
| You didn't build that. | ||
| You didn't build that infrastructure. | ||
| Who didn't build it? | ||
| Mitt Romney. | ||
| The people that have the businesses. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's saying that you didn't build it on your own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, what I got upset about, and me and Brian Callum were talking about it, and I should clarify because enough people tweeted me and commented on the message board. | ||
| What I don't like about that is because that is a defeatist attitude. | ||
| You're telling someone something they didn't do. | ||
| That's not how a leader should be communicating with people in my really unsubstantial and completely irrefutable position. | ||
| I mean, who am I to tell you? | ||
| Here's what I think. | ||
| What do you mean how a leader should act? | ||
| Those are things and terms that we grew up on, but what do you mean? | ||
| Why shouldn't he hang out in his underwear and say whatever he wants? | ||
| I'm not saying that I don't, you know, I have any credibility on this subject, but I think that when you're talking to a group of people, this is just my opinion, can't say that any more times, and if you're the leader of 300 million people and you're talking in negatives, then you're putting out negative. | ||
| You're putting out negative energy. | ||
| You're scolding people. | ||
| You're, in a sense, you're saying that someone's wrong. | ||
| When you say you didn't build that... | ||
| He said that about Mitt Romney? | ||
| No, he said that about people that don't think that they should pay more in taxes, people that don't think they should contribute more, which I, by the way, even though I'm... | ||
| I have a mixture of ideas that I have about a lot of things that I believe that are very liberal as far as social issues and a lot of things that I believe that are pretty conservative and people would be kind of surprised. | ||
| Because I just think there's a reality to human nature that a lot of liberal people I think don't want to accept. | ||
| They want to pretend that people are a little less predictable than they actually are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Humans are humans. | ||
| We act like whatever type of species we are. | ||
| Until we accept that, all these conversations we have are just flavored by bullshit. | ||
| That's why political conversations never work. | ||
| That's why political speeches never work. | ||
| Because they never see the other side. | ||
| They never realize that we want different things. | ||
| When you see a guy like Mitt Romney or a guy like Barack Obama, who's by the way a really good speaker. | ||
| He's way better than I would be if I had to do that thing. | ||
| I'd get crazy emotional. | ||
| I'd probably cry like a bitch. | ||
| I had the real responsibility of guiding 300 million people. | ||
| He handles it admirably. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing. | ||
| But they all do it in a fake way. | ||
| They all do what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We are the type of country that prevails. | |
| We are not the type of country It's like, come on, man. | ||
| You're not talking to me as a human being. | ||
| And these grandiose ways of using tone and separating speech is, to me, it's a lot like stand-up comedy. | ||
| Pausing for applause. | ||
| Yeah, when I hear them get applause, it's like you hear them raise their voice at the end. | ||
| It's not because of the message, it's because of the way you delivered it. | ||
| Yeah, you use some theatrical type of voice. | ||
| Bullshit, that's cheap. | ||
| You see a comic doing that, and you're like, come on. | ||
| You can't finish your set and go like this. | ||
| Give it up for me. | ||
| Some guys do, though. | ||
| You've seen it. | ||
| How gross is that? | ||
| Remember there was one guy that used to come around and would tell the audience that this always gets a standing ovation. | ||
| This is my last bit. | ||
| This always gets a standing ovation. | ||
| And he would go and do his last bit. | ||
| Just letting him know you should be getting a standing ovation at the end of this. | ||
| And he would tell people to stand the fuck up. | ||
| Stand the fuck up. | ||
| Stand the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's supposed to just happen. | |
| People are so crazy. | ||
| They're so greedy. | ||
| They want it now! | ||
| It's mine! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's mine! | |
| It's my precious! | ||
| That's why the Golem works so well. | ||
| Because everyone's like, yeah, I see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, precious, precious, precious. | |
| Mmm. | ||
| Me wants it. | ||
| It's become almost a hacky reference in comedy because it works so well. | ||
| Oh, because it is... | ||
| It's like, yeah, having that much desire for something, that's the extreme. | ||
| The creepiest possible aspect of people is when you're running into them in the midst of an addiction. | ||
| Green monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When you see someone who wants something so bad, something, something, give it to us! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give it to us! | |
| You know, that thing where... | ||
| I've seen it with coke. | ||
| I've seen it with people that wanted coke. | ||
| But they just want to get back to where they were in the first 20 minutes of their fucking coke trip. | ||
| Well, they're not thinking. | ||
| They just know they want it. | ||
| But it's weird to see that glassy-eyed lockdown on that chemical. | ||
| They want that chemical so bad. | ||
| I was with Tebow yesterday, two days ago, yesterday. | ||
| I don't care when it happened, man. | ||
| I saw some guy crossing the street, but he's walking with sweatpants, no t-shirt, and socks on, walking down La Brea, crossing Hollywood Boulevard. | ||
| On the other side of the street, I was like, Tebow, what drug is that? | ||
| He goes, I think meth. | ||
| Looks meth-y to me. | ||
| Kind of meth-y. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A little on the meth-y side. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I was like, he seems calm. | ||
| He's like, oh no, he's just waiting for something to get in his way. | ||
| That's why I have no respect for cops that decide, by the way, not are forced to act, but decide it's time to raid medical marijuana dispensaries. | ||
| Go clean up the meth labs, you fuck. | ||
| You know where people are actually... | ||
| Going in and parking their car and paying for it with their credit card. | ||
| You know what's happening. | ||
| You know what's worse. | ||
| You assholes. | ||
| Whoever it is at the top, I know you're trying to protect your cops, but really, come on, man. | ||
| You need to get drones. | ||
| And I usually don't say that, but that's what the cops need, to deal with the meth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Just drones. | ||
| What's going to happen with it? | ||
| Nothing's going to happen with this. | ||
| Leave the weed alone. | ||
| How about weed pays for drones to go after the meth? | ||
| But the city council stuff for LA, that's not going to pass, right? | ||
| No, it's not going to pass. | ||
| The mayor's never going to sign off on it. | ||
| No, they can go fuck themselves. | ||
| The idea is ridiculous. | ||
| You know how much money they would lose? | ||
| They would lose billions of dollars in revenue and taxes. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Those companies are just as much of a legitimate business as someone selling cucumbers. | ||
| But here's the problem, though. | ||
| Yeah, but I agree with you. | ||
| But six out of seven city councilmen or whatever said, yeah, let's get rid of it. | ||
| Yeah, those guys are bitches. | ||
| Are they in the pocket of people? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Of course they are! | ||
| Of course! | ||
| This is a big issue, man. | ||
| If this could make... | ||
| Look, imagine you could wipe out, just for a goof, say that you could wipe out all of the medical marijuana dispensers in this state. | ||
| So the only way a patient could get pot was to illegally grow it. | ||
| If that was the case... | ||
| People like grandmas and shit. | ||
| They would illegally grow it. | ||
| Or they would just go to the pills. | ||
| It's very possible you get a lot of people to the pills. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people take it for pain relief, man. | ||
| A lot of people that have had back injuries and some really crazy shit. | ||
| I will tell you the only story I heard where it's like story evidence, whatever that word is. | ||
| We were on that Monsters of Comedy tour. | ||
| That shit he won with Tripoli and all those guys. | ||
| And this guy, we'll see. | ||
| He's like an army guy. | ||
| He's like, I'm not touching that stuff. | ||
| He got a little annoyed that he smoked around him. | ||
| Within two weeks, he was like, all right, let me have some. | ||
| But we always shoved him in the back with a luggage and stuff. | ||
| And his back was like, fuck, I'm hurt. | ||
| It hurt, whatever. | ||
| He said, dude, my back feels good. | ||
| When he finally started smoking, he was like, I feel better. | ||
| Well, part of the problem with back pain, and this has been proven, is it's stress-related. | ||
| That a lot of times when people have, like, really stressful lives... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's a guy, I think his name is John Sarno. | ||
| I think that's his name. | ||
| He's a doctor from New York, and he's, like, got this idea that... | ||
| I think his name is Sarno. | ||
| I should look this up. | ||
| But that it's psychosomatic. | ||
| And Eddie Bravo actually found that his back problems are psychosomatic. | ||
| He could, like, see if he was stressed? | ||
| Well, he said that he was just so tense in the way he was thinking, and he changed the way he was thinking. | ||
| And when he changed the way he was thinking, literally his back problems went away. | ||
| There's an old fable in the Old Testament that somebody, some guy was trying to help a king, he couldn't get his shoe off or something. | ||
| He had, like, armor on with a shoe, and he couldn't get it off, and the king had to, like, calm him down. | ||
| Or the Jew had to calm this king down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| And then once that happened, then his swelling went down on his foot, and he was able to get the shoe off. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucked that front thing up again, man. | ||
| Fucked it up good, man. | ||
| Fucked it up good. | ||
| It's not your fault. | ||
| These arms suck. | ||
| I can't face you and turn... | ||
| Oh, that's clearly the way to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| But now... | ||
| So how do I... I'm just missing an angle. | ||
| Just right there's good. | ||
| good right there's good can you tighten it up right there so uh that jewish uh horror movie oh yeah the dybbuk box yeah well it's i think it's called the possession oh yeah yeah i said it just came out yeah it was wicked stupid yeah totally unbelievable yeah completely retarded you like dragged me to hell i was like this love dude this love i remember that child in a lot of ways I don't know if you've recognized that. | ||
| That time we were in San Jose and we were all going to go see a movie because it's so boring there. | ||
| It's like two blocks, it's okay. | ||
| Yep, yep. | ||
| And so we're all going to see a movie and you and Tom was like, let's go see Drag Me to Hell. | ||
| I was like, barf! | ||
| Let's go see Up! | ||
| And you guys were like, barf! | ||
| Wow, Up! | ||
| Oh my god, Drag Me to Hell was so much better than Up! | ||
| Me and Brian cried. | ||
| I sounded like a 14-year-old right here. | ||
| Me and Brian cried it up. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| We were bawling. | ||
| Aww. | ||
| That's so sweet. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like getting depressed at the movies. | ||
| And Up did depress me. | ||
| When the old guy was in the house by himself, I'm like, I do not want to watch this. | ||
| That's gross. | ||
| You're watching someone rot away. | ||
| The first 15 minutes into that, you're like, that's just a beautiful short. | ||
| Him with the wife coming up. | ||
| Depressing as fuck. | ||
| I like when stuff touches me like that. | ||
| You don't like it? | ||
| I used to, and I gave up. | ||
| I gave up on that feeling. | ||
| Like, I don't need that. | ||
| I'm trying to manage as much positive thinking in my life as possible. | ||
| The last thing I want to do is watch a movie about some guy who's fucking shooting heroin and falling apart, and someone accidentally hits someone with a car because they're driving. | ||
| I don't want to see that. | ||
| I don't want to see it. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I don't need to see reality when I go to the fucking movies. | ||
| I want the Hulk. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Every time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would see... | ||
| Not even a back and forth? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Not even a back and forth? | ||
| Fuck about some depressing movie. | ||
| I'm not going to the movies to get depressed. | ||
| I don't have time, man. | ||
| I've got a lot of different interests. | ||
| I'm really into a lot of different things that I don't get to do a lot, like play pool. | ||
| The last thing I want to do is take some time away from playing pool... | ||
| To watch some movie that wants to make me cry like a bitch about some shit that didn't even really happen. | ||
| I'm crying about some fake shit. | ||
| And you go to comedy too. | ||
| You go to Ali G movies and stuff like that. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, I love comedies. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted to go see the new Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis movie, but it was sold out like a motherfucker. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, we were 20 minutes before it, too. | ||
| I was like, oh shit, I got crazy. | ||
| I thought I could go see that movie. | ||
| That movie was going to be like number one. | ||
| Apparently, it's fucking... | ||
| When did it come out? | ||
| It just came out. | ||
| But I had a bunch of people say that when it went and saw it, it's just so ridiculous. | ||
| It's like from the moment it starts, it's a fucking crazy giggle fest because they're both so stupid funny. | ||
| Like Will Ferrell, I've seen him in movies. | ||
| He's got scenes in Anchorman that are so preposterous. | ||
| When the girl was starting to become famous and he was upset. | ||
| Yeah, you remember? | ||
| I mean, it's like, he's so funny. | ||
| It's so ridiculous that it's like, alright, it's funny. | ||
| Every movie that he's in, I've never seen a bad Will Ferrell movie. | ||
| I've never seen a Will Ferrell movie that didn't make me laugh. | ||
| Talladega Nights is one of my all-time favorite comedies. | ||
| I like Talladega Nights. | ||
| That's a fucking great movie. | ||
| When that girl stops fucking Will Ferrell because he loses and then starts fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman or whatever the guy's name is. | ||
| Yeah, Leslie Bibb. | ||
| Yeah, and everyone's like, wait, you're fucking the other guys. | ||
| Like, those are my kids now. | ||
| I appreciate you. | ||
| She was my... | ||
| Ex-girlfriend in Zookeeper. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, she was the girl that I was trying to get from Kevin James. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Yeah, she's really nice. | ||
| She's super cool. | ||
| You know, you think about hanging with actors, that actors would be real actor-ish. | ||
| Leslie Bibb is cool as fuck, and she's totally like a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Dude, we were on the way to... | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| And she's nice. | ||
| She's nice to everybody. | ||
| She's nice to the PAs. | ||
| She's nice to the makeup ladies. | ||
| She's just nice. | ||
| She's just nice. | ||
| But she's fucking really hilarious. | ||
| I don't know how much she would ever want anybody to know of this conversation, so I won't tell you anymore. | ||
| But she was cracking jokes about something, and I was like, I can't believe this is the chick from Talladega Nights. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was really funny. | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| Steve Byrne, I've been getting called into audition for that Sullivan& Son a few times. | ||
| Sullivan and Son? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Steve Byrne's show. | ||
| It's on TBS. Oh, yeah. | ||
| TBS has a lot of comedies now, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're really trying to go hard. | ||
| That's a recent thing, right? | ||
| Is that where Louie is? | ||
| No, he's at FX. FX, yeah, okay. | ||
| But his is on TBS. But anyway, at some point, I got called on three times for one same show. | ||
| It's like, Steve, thank you. | ||
| You clearly said something about me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's like, I'd so much rather hang out with a comic than an actor. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Even if it's just one line. | ||
| I'd rather be around one. | ||
| Normally I say that, but then I'm saying this Leslie Bibb chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's cool. | |
| Even though she's not a comic, she is a comic. | ||
| She might as well be a comic. | ||
| Yeah, and there's some annoying comics, too, that I wouldn't want to hang out with. | ||
| Of course! | ||
| I'm telling you, look, a lot of people that are actors in comedy, like Leslie Bibb, could easily have been a stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, they're cool enough. | ||
| Yeah, the same thing that Chelsea Handler can pull off. | ||
| Leslie Bibb can pull that off, too. | ||
| Chelsea Handler takes some shit, but I've always thought she was hardcore. | ||
| She's funny! | ||
| I thought she was the only girl that was talking about being a whore that was really a whore. | ||
| She's like, she ain't faking it. | ||
| She's always been nice to me. | ||
| Every time I've always seen her, she's always been nice to me. | ||
| I've never heard anybody say she's an asshole. | ||
| I don't know what it's like on her set or anything like that, but she's always nice. | ||
| She used to come into the store, like Jeff Scott used to get mad about it sometimes. | ||
| I think I wrote a review for her book. | ||
| I wrote a blur. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember that. | |
| But she would come in, sit in her car, drink from a flask. | ||
| That go in and open the show and then take off for the night. | ||
| She was good. | ||
| I remember watching her in the back of the room going, wow, this chick is fucking... | ||
| She's hardcore. | ||
| She's legit hardcore. | ||
| She was really living it. | ||
| She was really getting drunk. | ||
| I'm not pretending I'm a whore for the sake of a joke. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| She's cool. | ||
| Yeah, I think, you know, it's a way harder road for a chick to make it as a comedian, and even talk about anything, than it is for a dude. | ||
| Because a dude can get away with having an opinion about things. | ||
| You know, chicks it's harder to, or they just don't try. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's also like you'll listen to a guy on stage with a conservative point of view for a little bit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You'll listen for a little bit if the guy is a respectable person. | ||
| Even Christopher Hitchens was pretty conservative when it came to a lot of military issues. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And these are obviously very respected guys. | ||
| Super liberal atheists at the same time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you had a woman that was on stage that was trying to get you to laugh and had opinions so completely polar opposite of your opinions as well. | ||
| You wouldn't be wanting to hear it. | ||
| You couldn't be talking about sucking dicks. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard to do for them. | ||
| No, but like political opinions or fucking social opinions. | ||
| Shut your mouth, woman. | ||
| I think none of them just do it right. | ||
| You don't get to choose. | ||
| That's how guys think. | ||
| And I think it's way harder for a chick to have a political point of view. | ||
| That's why a lot of them become really snappy. | ||
| Like a dog that's going to yell that too much. | ||
| In their act. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They definitely get pushed into being characters more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Into being character acts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| Just like Roseanne did. | ||
| Just like Phyllis Diller did. | ||
| Just like all these people did. | ||
| It really hasn't stopped. | ||
| Roseanne was a monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You remember when Roseanne first came out, man? | ||
| I remember. | ||
| She was the first chick. | ||
| Her voice was too annoying for me at first. | ||
| Took me a couple years. | ||
| That I ever saw really kill. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She was the first chick I ever saw really kill. | ||
| You saw her work out? | ||
| You saw her deuce box? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, I don't think I ever saw her live. | ||
| I might have saw her once at the store live, and I can't remember. | ||
| But I've seen her specials. | ||
| I've seen her specials a bunch of times. | ||
| And I've tweeted back at her. | ||
| I think she admonished me for making a potty joke. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Like a mommy. | ||
| As a joke? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think she was telling me to concentrate more on important issues. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was one of the first women to get her say. | ||
| She goes, we'll do it my way. | ||
| That's Roseanne Barr, bitch. | ||
| Better recognize. | ||
| She fired every showrunner she had. | ||
| You're all fired, one at a time. | ||
| Well, that's a weird thing that happens to people when they become the star of a show. | ||
| Yeah, it's my show. | ||
| Yeah, you can't tell Roseanne what to do. | ||
| And after that second year, it was like she was one of the biggest people in America. | ||
| She was huge. | ||
| Remember when she had a three-way marriage? | ||
| Her and Tom Arnold married Sandra Bernhardt or that other person. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| It was like a three-way marriage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They're like, we're marrying her. | ||
| Can you imagine being married to another person? | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| What a drag. | ||
| What a crazy drag. | ||
| How about we all get divorced and just live together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
More responsibility. | |
| Let's just make up our mind, honey, this marriage is a sham. | ||
| We're bringing another person in here. | ||
| Let's just get divorced and hang out together. | ||
| Can we do that? | ||
| You can't have a three-way marriage. | ||
| Why don't I have a ten-way marriage, you dumb fuck? | ||
| That way when you break up, you can't have any money. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| You don't get any of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All of it goes to other people. | |
| They can't live off what you make. | ||
| You get nothing. | ||
| Yeah, you can't... | ||
| Could you imagine if you got divorced from nine people and you had to pay them all? | ||
| Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. | ||
| Maybe like when you go to Tijuana and those little chick-a-kids come up to you. | ||
| It'll be like that. | ||
| With alimony all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you've got to think of how stupid it is. | ||
| Like, I was having a conversation with somebody about the O.J. Simpson case the other day. | ||
| It came up. | ||
| They were talking about people getting super crazy because they have to pay so much in divorce. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we broke it down. | ||
| I go, could you imagine if you had explained that to somebody? | ||
| That if they didn't understand the system. | ||
| It's like, yeah, well what happens is you sign this paper and then when you're not together anymore, even if they're fucking other people, you have to keep sending them money. | ||
| For like a long time. | ||
| For years and years and years. | ||
| And they, for whatever reason, never have to get their shit together. | ||
| You never have to. | ||
| No. | ||
| And everyone's like, you've got to do what you have to do. | ||
| You have to support them. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| You know, I have a friend whose wife, if she got married to the man that she loves, she would lose all of her money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All of her alimony. | |
| So she won't marry him. | ||
| So this guy's like a bum, and they live together, and this guy has to pay them astronomical sums every month. | ||
| And he'll get a credit order or a court order to prove that she's living with a man. | ||
| And the guy would just move out for two weeks. | ||
| The inspector comes, and then he moves back in. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| I understand that if you gave up your life and your career to raise a child for someone else, then you're in a worse place. | ||
| He has no kids. | ||
| But if you just marry someone, in what world of equality do you think, because you guys decided to break up, that one person should pay the other person? | ||
| In what equality world? | ||
| It's if you get married for more than 12 years. | ||
| Then you're under... | ||
| No, if you live together with five years in California... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| If you're married for more than 12 years and you get divorced... | ||
| And you grow apart? | ||
| You have to pay them forever. | ||
| Because you grew in separate ways. | ||
| I mean, that is one of the nittiest things. | ||
| Every girl is not outraged by that. | ||
| It's a fucking cunt. | ||
| Every one of you. | ||
| Whenever you want equality, just know that that's a rule still and go fuck yourself. | ||
| There's no way that should still be around. | ||
| Stop and think about it for a second. | ||
| I got two words for you right now. | ||
| Tom Arnold. | ||
| Yeah, that's our payback. | ||
| It's not just girls. | ||
| It's not just girls. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Guys have run that hustle, too. | ||
| And Britney Spears, dude. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Kevin Federer in the house. | ||
| He's fat and he drives a Ferrari now. | ||
| But every guy was excited about that. | ||
| Black people were excited about OJ getting off. | ||
| Where we knew this was ridiculous, but finally won for us. | ||
| You just went deep with that, son. | ||
| It's a ridiculous law! | ||
| It's ridiculous! | ||
| Yeah, it's craziness. | ||
| It's crazy that you could be separated by years and years and years. | ||
| And even the same amount of time that you were actually together. | ||
| Like if you were together for 12 years and separated for 12 years. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| In perpetuity. | ||
| You've got to keep paying. | ||
| We got married, we're 18, now I'm 30? | ||
| And I have to pay forever? | ||
| She can't even find a man. | ||
| She can't find a man who loves her enough to take her away from the contract. | ||
| It comes from a time where they're tarnished goods, because they've already been married for so long. | ||
| Who would want them? | ||
| Well, it's not even that. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| It's not even that. | ||
| It's that she can't trust him. | ||
| What, I'm going to just trust you, I'm going to marry you, and you're going to stick around? | ||
| If I lose you, I lose all this money. | ||
| I mean, she gets a substantial... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so ridiculous! | |
| Substantial amount of money every year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a payday! | |
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| How much? | ||
| That comes from a crazy time! | ||
| How much does she get? | ||
| Oh, nothing. | ||
| Just about a million dollars. | ||
| A year. | ||
| Remember that Chris Rock bit. | ||
| It's okay to give him half of your money when you have two million dollars. | ||
| Try when you have 30,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Try giving up 15,000. | ||
| Even when you have two million dollars, it's like, it hurts your soul. | ||
| She didn't earn this. | ||
| It's so crazy that if you write something down on paper, another person... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you have to keep paying them? | |
| You have to keep paying them. | ||
| Like, why can't you live your life? | ||
| Like, that seems to be kind of strange. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That you're requiring me to live your life. | ||
| Yeah, what kind of fucking weird enabling system do we have here? | ||
| We're not responsible for yourself. | ||
| I'm not going to say it. | ||
| We're training them to be adults. | ||
| That's what we're training them to be. | ||
| I can't believe you said that. | ||
| I stopped myself. | ||
| I try to grow as a human. | ||
| I try to grow as a human. | ||
| But that's what you're training to be. | ||
| Fucking people unable to take care of themselves in any way. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Well, the whole idea is ridiculous. | ||
| You can get injured in an accident. | ||
| Women want to be protected when they're raising children and to be legal. | ||
| Like some guys are douchebags and they don't want to pay for their kids and they wouldn't want to pay alimony or child support. | ||
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| I'm just saying in cases, especially where there's no children, it seems a little weird that you could be separated from someone for, in my friend's case, 10 fucking years! | ||
| He's paying a substantial amount of money. | ||
| My friend is a real worker. | ||
| He works. | ||
| He's got his own business. | ||
| He's like, I mean, this motherfucker puts in some hours. | ||
| I'm telling too much. | ||
| He's also a wizard. | ||
| He lives in a cave. | ||
| And he drives a spaceship. | ||
| And he's Asian. | ||
| It's just a sad world when you see people destroyed by a weird, unequal legal system. | ||
| It's antiquated. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How can any? | |
| How can anyone defend that kind of behavior? | ||
| It's just so crazy to think that someone who you don't want in your life anymore is still your financial responsibility. | ||
| How about the last two years was a living hell? | ||
| That doesn't buy you anything? | ||
| Any discounts? | ||
| We're talking about grown adults, man. | ||
| You would assume that you've done something with your life that's trade-worthy. | ||
| We hated each other. | ||
| We had to sleep next to each other for the last two years. | ||
| And it doesn't matter. | ||
| Yeah, no bed together. | ||
| She might insult you when you're at dinner. | ||
| I mean, make up your own horrifying scenario that it could have been. | ||
| And imagine you have to pay that person a million a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| It's craziness. | ||
| 20 bucks. | ||
| That's what you get. | ||
| What you get when you get out of prison. | ||
| The whole idea behind paying people money is fucking crazy. | ||
| But the whole idea behind charity is beautiful. | ||
| And when people don't get charity from people, they want to get it from them. | ||
| You give it to me. | ||
| And it's a fucking horrible aspect of human nature that people want something that they don't deserve. | ||
| But we all want it. | ||
| After we get it for a while, we all want it. | ||
| Yeah, you all want to slip and fall and sue. | ||
| But in anything, even when you start getting spots at the comedy store, you start thinking, well, now I get them, I deserve them. | ||
| Everyone gets like this. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to maintain humility and appreciation. | ||
| Those are two very hard aspects of the human experience to really maintain and hang on to. | ||
| It's hard to be a nice person. | ||
| I was talking to this guy in Toronto, this new comic, he was interviewing me for something, some web thing. | ||
| Powerful Toronto, coming soon, Massey Hall. | ||
| Are you going to be able to... | ||
| I'm also doing shows in Toronto, just for laughter. | ||
| I will probably be by there to hang out, at the very least. | ||
| At the very least. | ||
| So, legally, we can't say that R.S.F.E.A. will be performing. | ||
| But you know it's... | ||
| How are the sales of that show? | ||
| Oh, stellar. | ||
| Yeah, you're going to kill them. | ||
| It's almost sold out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's almost sold out. | ||
| Look, Massey Hall is one of the fucking coolest places on earth. | ||
| Have you ever done it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, the fucking Beatles did it and shit. | ||
| It's one of those places. | ||
| Oh, it's insanity. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| I'm scared just thinking about it now. | ||
| I'm getting tuned up. | ||
| Yeah, I'm so fired up for that show. | ||
| I'm fired up for this weekend, too. | ||
| I'm doing the Lobero Theater in Santa Barbara. | ||
| Santa Barbara is pretty fucking dope, dude. | ||
| Santa Barbara. | ||
| You ever go there? | ||
| I just went camping halfway there. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, it's so nice to go camping. | ||
| You gotta do it. | ||
| You're such a silly bitch. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| You see fucking animals. | ||
| We got attacked by a skunk. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| You say it like it's good. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| Skunks are not good, dude. | ||
| Only one guy had to walk through it. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| That's not real camping. | ||
| That's serial killer bait. | ||
| And then we went out into the wild. | ||
| Yeah, but that's no wild. | ||
| The wild that you can get to your car in LA is not real wild. | ||
| It's serial killer bait. | ||
| Where do you want to go? | ||
| You've got to go to Montana, son. | ||
| You've got to go somewhere legit. | ||
| Oh, we can't go there. | ||
| That's too involved. | ||
| We want to take mushrooms and drive somewhere. | ||
| Okay, but I'm telling you that you're just asking to get eaten. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| If you go to one of those creepy semi-wooded areas near cities. | ||
| There's families there. | ||
| Like Griffith Park. | ||
| Griffith Park is a good place to find a half-eaten body. | ||
| Griffith Park is different. | ||
| It's a good place to find a pit that people made when they cooked a homeless guy. | ||
| That's the kind of place where you find some shit like that. | ||
| It's not like the real woods. | ||
| It's not like Colorado. | ||
| It's not like walking through the trails in the Rockies. | ||
| It's the closest place where I can get away from everyone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's so much fun sometimes. | ||
| To get away from everybody. | ||
| If I had a houseboat, I'd take it out sometimes. | ||
| Fuck yeah it is, but the problem is the places you're going, anybody you run into you're going to have to kill. | ||
| You're going to have to kill in a hand-to-hand fight because they're going to be trying to take your life. | ||
| You're going to have to Call back on those old school 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu skills. | ||
| Try to remember when my dad taught me about the Israeli army. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| What do I remember? | ||
| Kicking the balls for two people. | ||
| Dude, I'm so bummed out that you hurt your knees. | ||
| I really love the fact that you got into Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| You got proficient in it for a while. | ||
| I remember seeing you get a few taps. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit, Ari, what's happening, people? | ||
| I would tell anyone who's thinking of doing it, it's so invigorating when you get that. | ||
| It's sort of the same, but way better than it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come back, man. | |
| Why don't you come back again? | ||
| Why don't you just lift a little weight for a couple months, build your body up a little bit? | ||
| I'm about to go back now. | ||
| I had a pretty significant back injury where I popped it. | ||
| I miss it sometimes. | ||
| And then I tried to keep rolling. | ||
| I tried to just roll light and just use technique and I hurt it really bad. | ||
| I hurt it bad to the point where I was getting numbness in my hands. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| It was intense. | ||
| Singling? | ||
| Yeah, it was intense. | ||
| And then I came back for a little and I got my black belt and then I heard it again. | ||
| And I was like, motherfucker. | ||
| I said, alright, I can't just rest this. | ||
| I gotta make this thing stronger. | ||
| I should say this because I don't think I got injured in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I think I got injured from kettlebells. | ||
| So I will say to anyone who doesn't, be careful and don't bend past a certain level. | ||
| Well, honestly, I think before you even do kettlebells, For you, because you had been kind of sedentary, I think it would have been nice. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Trying to be your friend, brother. | ||
| You know, I love you. | ||
| That was growing on me. | ||
| You could have started off with perhaps like some bodyweight squats and some push-ups and like a real conservative sort of a build-up phase. | ||
| Because what happened to you has happened to people before. | ||
| You go too hard and you break. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You can fuck yourself up. | ||
| Kevin Pereira had the exact same problem. | ||
| Callan told me at some point, he's like, but honestly, dude, you're 36, you're 37. You can't, you can't. | ||
| That's what's going to happen. | ||
| That's Callan. | ||
| That's right before he lifted his shirt and said something about 40-something and then pounded himself. | ||
| Fox News, messenger of doom. | ||
| If you were talking about how great your body was, he would have went that way with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He just loves being a talent. | ||
| But no, he is right in a lot of ways. | ||
| I mean, when you're older, for sure, the shit breaks more. | ||
| Especially if you're thinking the fact that you're 36. And on top of being 36, you're also like... | ||
| I'm 38 now. | ||
| You haven't been in the best of shape. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You got to that age, and on top of it, you were not eating well. | ||
| I just started eating healthy. | ||
| I'm going to Whole Foods. | ||
| I went in there once high. | ||
| Stoned. | ||
| Drove in there. | ||
| I was like, let me see. | ||
| And their salad bar was so fucking good and full of different flavors that I'm like, I can do this. | ||
| It truly makes a difference to eat healthy. | ||
| And people don't understand... | ||
| You don't know what you're depriving yourself out of. | ||
| It doesn't mean to be a vegetarian either. | ||
| It means getting a lot of nutrition. | ||
| It's weird though. | ||
| I just did it because it tasted okay. | ||
| But after like a month, like a solid month of doing it all the time, like eight, nine of those a day. | ||
| Not a day, a week. | ||
| After that, I could feel better. | ||
| I would feel more energy and better. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| It's like when you quit smoking, too. | ||
| I'm sure it must have been the same sort of a thing. | ||
| Man, I would like to say that. | ||
| I would like to say that, but it just hasn't. | ||
| You had a real pullback, huh? | ||
| It's always pulled you a little bit back. | ||
| Yeah, I'm better off at now. | ||
| The pot helps, because I get that feeling of smoking something, which would relieve that little feeling. | ||
| But for the longest time after that, it always pulled you, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You just always wanted to get one. | ||
| And then when you see people smoking, you're like, I want to be part of this. | ||
| I want to be with you guys smoking right now. | ||
| It's so weird how it's so different for different people. | ||
| Some people quit smoking, and then they feel like they have so much energy, and they feel so much better, and they feel like they got out from under a rock, like something was weighing them down. | ||
| And then some people quit, and they never quite get over that pull. | ||
| They just keep trying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Phew. | |
| I had to accept. | ||
| You know how I say in AA that you're powerless over the drug? | ||
| Every time I'm like, I'll just have one or two a day, four a week. | ||
| It's like, no, I don't have power over this. | ||
| It'll be back at half a pack to a pack every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so scary. | |
| It's so scary that they made it that way. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The addictive stuff isn't what gets you the good feeling. | ||
| Hey, Mitt Romney, can we talk about this? | ||
| Hey, Barack Obama, can we talk about this poison that kills a half a million people a year here? | ||
| It kills like something nutty, like 5 million worldwide die every year from cigarettes. | ||
| Like, whoa! | ||
| Could you imagine if you came out with some new shit, like skin cream, and it was killing 5 million people worldwide a year? | ||
| How long before they would pull that shit off the market? | ||
| That's a fucking plague. | ||
| That's a plague. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a new AIDS. It's an old AIDS. It would be so many more people if we didn't have it, though. | |
| Oh, thank God for cigarettes and AIDS. Think about cigarettes and AIDS. It really helps us out getting the freeway. | ||
| And still, the 405 is jammed. | ||
| With all these people dropping off from cigarettes. | ||
| There's something sad to me about an old lady smoking cigarettes. | ||
| And I know that's stupid and hypocritical. | ||
| But I want to feel like an old lady should have someone in her life who loves her enough to get her to quit smoking cigarettes. | ||
| To me, it's like, you did it. | ||
| You did it? | ||
| You made it? | ||
| You're old and you're still smoking? | ||
| You got through the maze. | ||
| You got through. | ||
| It's like she survived the Hunger Games. | ||
| There's some women that have that brassy, they know you don't want to fuck them, it's done, it's over. | ||
| They're okay with it. | ||
| And so they're a different thing. | ||
| It's not like a woman. | ||
| They become like this really old thing who can, well, I'll tell you what, when you were my age, sonny. | ||
| I've been undesirable for 28 years. | ||
| They get accustomed to it. | ||
| That must be so sad, though, for a chick. | ||
| Because really beautiful chicks are super powerful. | ||
| They have superpowers. | ||
| They go into a room and everybody loves them. | ||
| Oh yeah, absolutely. | ||
| I said this on Twitter, but I realized recently, it's like the only difference between someone who you look at as a crazy person and someone who you look at as cute or quirky is fuckability. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's the only difference. | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, you look back and think about some of the girls that you dated. | ||
| And men too. | ||
| Flavor Flav was the same behavior then that he is now. | ||
| But because he was younger and more vibrant, you're like, oh, that guy's just a little weird. | ||
| Yeah, if you want to fuck them, they become way easier to hang out with when they're completely insane. | ||
| You justify their behavior, insane or terrible. | ||
| Well, don't you think at a certain point in your life when you meet a person, they're just your sex dispenser? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Part of it, you masturbate with them. | ||
| Yeah, you masturbate with them. | ||
| There's people that you have legitimate relationships with, but there's some people that you just fucking never click with. | ||
| Well, they're also sort of both. | ||
| On any level, they're both. | ||
| So I've apologized for girlfriends in my mind that have been rude to waitstaff, and later I'm like, yeah, she likes service done right, that's all. | ||
| But it's like, in your head, you're like, come on. | ||
| That's an asshole. | ||
| And you're ignoring it. | ||
| People, they grow up with that shit. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| We're so adaptable. | ||
| You know, if you look at all the different sort of like crazy cultures and what they condone and don't condone all over the world, and if you think about how similar human beings are genetically, like all over the world, the variation is so small, but yet... | ||
| The behavior patterns are so radically different between what's going on right now in Bahrain and what's going on right now in Beverly Hills. | ||
| The same era on Earth. | ||
| The apocalypse is going on in one place. | ||
| In another place, you're walking down the street in Bel Air and there's manicured lawns and everyone's friendly and it smells great. | ||
| There's flowers everywhere. | ||
| Birds are chirping. | ||
| You get in your convertible, you drive down to Starbucks, you sit there with your feet up on a chair. | ||
| How can there be war? | ||
| Everything's so great. | ||
| I remember it was you, me, Diaz, and I think Duncan might have been with us too. | ||
| It was one of the days after 9-11, before the plane started flying again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we were all sitting around like outside of a Starbucks or one of those coffee beans or something like that. | ||
| And we were sitting around just talking about how beautiful it was. | ||
| Like how could there be a war right now? | ||
| Where we're sitting right here in Southern California. | ||
| It's so far removed. | ||
| It was so far removed. | ||
| It was so beautiful. | ||
| There was no planes. | ||
| There was no planes flying around because it was 9-11. | ||
| So you never got to hear anything fly overhead. | ||
| And it was way quieter. | ||
| It was almost like we went back in time for a couple days. | ||
| It was weird, man. | ||
| You don't realize how often you hear fucking planes. | ||
| Especially if you're anywhere near the airport. | ||
| Those fucking things are giant engine time. | ||
| You're ignored after a while. | ||
| That's why whenever you shoot something, and the sound guy has to be playing, and you're like, what? | ||
| Oh, I didn't know. | ||
| Dude, all the time. | ||
| I'm a wizard of catching that shit. | ||
| Yeah, because you know it's going to ruin the shot. | ||
| Yeah, I'll stop people from doing things on Fear Factor. | ||
| They're like, hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| We got a plane, we got a plane, we got a plane. | ||
| But yeah, we were sitting around, and I remember we were thinking, like... | ||
| How could there be a war going on somewhere? | ||
| How could there be a place of such complete disarray that planes are flying into buildings and thousands of people are dying? | ||
| When you and me and Diaz are just sitting here high as fuck, drinking coffee and just kicking back, looking at the sun, looking at this perfect weather. | ||
| We're too connected with the whole world, man. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes it's like, there should be just village. | ||
| Like, we're just here now. | ||
| We shouldn't worry about what's happening over there, or a different planet, or a different, like, whatever. | ||
| It's like, it's not our star system. | ||
| We're just having a good time. | ||
| The problem is, then, other people form gangs, and they take over. | ||
| And they invade, just like that Mayan movie. | ||
| It's almost like, you know, when people say this, like Americans, those troops are fighting for our freedom. | ||
| They're not, but they are. | ||
| They're not fighting for our freedom. | ||
| But they are. | ||
| But they are. | ||
| Because someone always, throughout history, has become the baddest motherfuckers on the planet. | ||
| Someone. | ||
| Whether it was the Greeks or the Romans or the United States of America. | ||
| Somebody had to dictate what the fuck happens. | ||
| No one ever done it as well as the U.S. has done it. | ||
| But we've always had to do it. | ||
| There's been a guy in charge. | ||
| And so the argument is... | ||
| Look, if anybody's going to do it, it should be us. | ||
| Because let me tell you something, as far as the rest of the world goes, we're about as nice as you can get. | ||
| As far as how we treat our own, this is about as nice as we can get. | ||
| I know. | ||
| With this kind of power. | ||
| But then you think, we're the only ones that ever dropped the bomb. | ||
| We're the only ones that ever did that. | ||
| We don't trust anybody else with it. | ||
| The only person who has a loss on that is us. | ||
| And we have two. | ||
| We're 0-2. | ||
| What's fucked up is that we dropped two bombs. | ||
| We dropped the bomb, and then we're like, I quit! | ||
| I quit! | ||
| I can't hear you! | ||
| It was like those hack MCs that open up comedy clubs. | ||
| Y'all ready for Ari Shaffir? | ||
| I can't hear you! | ||
| Here's my new joke. | ||
| Are y'all ready for Ari Shafir? | ||
| Here's my new joke. | ||
| Tell me what you think of this. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll just do it now. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| Hey, you guys like impressions? | ||
| And you don't have everybody claps. | ||
| I'm going to go, no you don't. | ||
| No you don't. | ||
| Why'd you clap at that? | ||
| You know you don't want them. | ||
| You don't like them. | ||
| It's a good joke. | ||
| You're telling people what they like. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Nobody likes impressions. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Everyone claps. | ||
| I'm like, alright. | ||
| Ari, you like different things than other people. | ||
| There's a man named Rich Little. | ||
| He made his whole career out of making impressions of other people. | ||
| In fucking 1830. How about Danny Gans? | ||
| Danny Gans, before he died, of pills, by the way. | ||
| No, of stress, for having to do impressions all day long, every day. | ||
| That ate away at his inside. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Of pills, whatever it was. | ||
| Why was he taking the pills for? | ||
| Because he was in an awesome mood all the time. | ||
| Sweet, sweet art. | ||
| Like we said, Ari, you can get addicted to those terrible little pills. | ||
| Tice used to do a great bit about Danny Gans. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking Danny Gans! | |
| Only in Vegas. | ||
| As soon as he steps on the bus to leave Vegas. | ||
| When it leaves city limits. | ||
| Like Danny Gans is taking the bus away from Vegas. | ||
| As soon as everybody goes back there and spits in his face. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Fuck you, Gans. | ||
| You have to be, like, people have to, like, qualify his success. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, it's Vegas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Only in Vegas. | |
| He's massive. | ||
| He makes millions a year. | ||
| Well, Rita Rudner, too. | ||
| She was one that was kind of struggling a little bit on the road. | ||
| Like, there was a bunch of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, go to Vegas. | |
| Margaret Smith was in that category of women. | ||
| It was, like, really funny women stand-up comics. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, you stopped hearing about them. | ||
| You know, Margaret Smith was hilarious. | ||
| And they went to Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was in the Kinison era. | ||
| She didn't, but Rudner was from her era. | ||
| And Rudner carved out a huge career for herself in Vegas. | ||
| Every time I'm there, I see posters and billboards and shit. | ||
| She's always a popular act in Vegas. | ||
| Yeah, but also people can look forward to seeing her again. | ||
| That's why the comedy scene is shit in Vegas. | ||
| Because there's so many great shows at all times. | ||
| Why don't we go see a local guy? | ||
| We're seeing legends. | ||
| There's ten legends playing at any point right here. | ||
| What am I going to go see... | ||
| Yeah, you can go see Bill Cosby. | ||
| And if you're locals, you can get two for wands or comps. | ||
| Yeah, you can see Bill Cosby. | ||
| You can see Joe Rogan. | ||
| You can see fucking Seinfeld. | ||
| Damn, you just put me in with Seinfeld and Bill Cosby? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla. | |
| You can see a lot of good comedy, man. | ||
| We were so looking forward to doing that show. | ||
| I took off weeks for that. | ||
| I took off weeks for that. | ||
| So sad. | ||
| I'm so excited. | ||
| We wound up bringing it to the Ice House. | ||
| Can I make an announcement? | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah, bitch. | ||
| My CD is coming out. | ||
| Duh! | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Revenge for the Holocaust. | ||
| Whoa, I like it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's a good name, dude. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Is it going to be on iTunes as well? | ||
| It's going to be on iTunes September 25th. | ||
| It goes on sale probably this weekend. | ||
| Dude, we're going to blow that fucking thing up. | ||
| It goes on sale today, like online. | ||
| You can buy it. | ||
| And then iTunes, when? | ||
| When's the iTunes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| It's going up to iTunes today. | ||
| It'll probably be up there Friday. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Available for pre-sale. | ||
| But September 25th is the official first... | ||
| For sale. | ||
| But, here's what I'm doing. | ||
| But you can buy pre-sale. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Start buying it, and then it comes out on the 25th. | ||
| Just give me it. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I'll just give it to you. | ||
| Give it to me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were really happy with this one, too. | ||
| I'm really happy with it. | ||
| I'm really excited. | ||
| And the cover, my friend did the cover, and I fucking love it. | ||
| Oh, that's dope. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
| He's an evil Jew spider. | ||
| Yeah, going after a Hitler spy. | ||
| That's beautiful, dude. | ||
| But yeah, if you go to my website, I'm giving away four tracks. | ||
| That might be one of my favorite CD covers of all time. | ||
| It's pretty sweet, right? | ||
| I'm really happy with it. | ||
| I was really thinking, if I was just a non-comedian, like a kid who really was into comedy like I was at one point in time, if I ever found this in the CD aisle, like at the record store, I'd be like, oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| I got Ari Shaffir's new shit, Revenge for the Holocaust. | ||
| I would buy that just out of general principle. | ||
| Just out of like, hmm. | ||
| Yeah, if I knew that that was a stand-up comic, I had an uncle that used to do that, my uncle Vinny. | ||
| He's from the era of records, but he would take me to the record store and he goes, I would just sometimes buy... | ||
| Look through the album art? | ||
| Yeah, he'll buy a record just based on its album art. | ||
| I've done that before, too, and made horrendous mistakes. | ||
| Especially when it comes to fantasy art. | ||
| Swords and shit. | ||
| Iron Maiden stuff is so sweet, but their music is like... | ||
| I like Iron Maiden. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| I can get into some Iron Maiden. | ||
| It ain't as cool as the art. | ||
| The what? | ||
| It ain't as cool as their artwork. | ||
| Their artwork is really badass. | ||
| Same as Grateful Dead. | ||
| It's like, their artwork is way better than Def Leppard. | ||
| Iron Maiden is that monster, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eddie? | |
| Coming bat out of hell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bat out of hell. | ||
| And you know what they do? | ||
| That I've never seen... | ||
| This is what they do. | ||
| They have a few tour shirts for the year. | ||
| They will never reproduce that art. | ||
| They're done selling that shirt forever after that. | ||
| We have a North American tour and it's done. | ||
| That doesn't make sense to me. | ||
| Keep selling. | ||
| People want to buy it. | ||
| Every year a new shirt. | ||
| And so now you have a 2010 shirt. | ||
| Someone else has a 2007 shirt. | ||
| You're all at fucking the same festival. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But what if the 2007 shirt is awesome and I want to buy one? | ||
| I want to be able to buy the old shirts. | ||
| I feel like you should just keep selling them. | ||
| I feel like that too, but I like something about we were there and you had to be there to get it. | ||
| You know what I don't like about it? | ||
| You artificially control the supply. | ||
| You decide, we're only going to release 250 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| If a thousand people want them, sell a thousand, you crazy fuck. | ||
| Why are you creating a mad clown? | ||
| Yeah, only get it live. | ||
| What about the people who can't see you live? | ||
| What if a million people want to buy your crazy fucking hat? | ||
| You're only going to sell 10 hats? | ||
| This is a limited edition run of 10 hats. | ||
| Sell all the hats! | ||
| Anyway, I'm giving away four tracks for free if you go to my website. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com or AriShaffir.com. | ||
| Just go there. | ||
| I'm honestly really happy with it and I think if you listen to it, you'll be a fan. | ||
| So four tracks absolutely for free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck out of here. | |
| Why are you pumping your own shit up like that? | ||
| I do like it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Let me do it for you. | ||
| Okay, help me out. | ||
| Ari Shaffir. | ||
| I've known Ari Shaffir for a long fucking time. | ||
| I made rookie mistakes. | ||
| Yeah, but you made some fucking great moments, too. | ||
| Rookie mistakes are fine. | ||
| The real problem is the lack of the great moments in with the rookie mistakes. | ||
| You would have hilarious bits, and then you would clunk one in there. | ||
| But everybody does that. | ||
| You just were trying to find the footing. | ||
| Trying to be too... | ||
| Too out there, too little, whatever it is. | ||
| Yeah, we feel yourself pushing a bit too hard. | ||
| But I've watched you transform into a real, legit headliner. | ||
| It's been fucking cool, especially over the last couple of years because of doing a lot of podcasts and doing a lot of internet-related stuff. | ||
| You got, especially, you got really famous for the racist stuff, the amazing racist stuff. | ||
| And then from that to seeing your stand-up, you put out... | ||
| No one ever came to see me from that, though. | ||
| Here or there. | ||
| But it's all podcast stuff now, right? | ||
| It's all people coming to see you from the podcast. | ||
| And then remembering that other stuff. | ||
| And saying, I also liked you when you did that stuff. | ||
| And it's people that have come to Vegas when we performed. | ||
| I've seen you perform before, too. | ||
| That's the best one. | ||
| You and I have done thousands of shows. | ||
| If you stop and think about all the fucking shows that we did, and all the different places, and all the different Friday nights where we did two shows, and Saturday nights where we did two shows, then we did a show on Sunday, and sometimes we did Thursday, too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We did a lot. | ||
| We started at four-day weeks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We went to three and two. | ||
| Yeah, we got too crazy. | ||
| That's not a comfortable way to do the road. | ||
| When you're doing the road that's four and five days out at a time, it's like, get me fucking home. | ||
| This is gross. | ||
| You've got to manage the uncomfort with the, like, what are you getting out of it? | ||
| I've had to do that, but then the problem is this. | ||
| It's like, I told you, I'll have like three weeks, and I'll have like a week off, then I'll have another three weeks. | ||
| I'm like, I need that week off. | ||
| But then DC Improv calls, and you're like, fuck, I gotta go there. | ||
| The crazy thing is even the week off, it's like, why not go on stage? | ||
| Well, that's what I would do at home. | ||
| Go to the comedy store and do it there. | ||
| We have the greatest job in the history of the world, and it's not an easy job. | ||
| It's hard to figure out how to get really good at it, but once you get good at it, then it becomes easy, and it's the most rewarding shit of all time. | ||
| We did the Ice House this past weekend. | ||
| We did two shows there, and it was Fucking sensational. | ||
| Fucking sensational. | ||
| Friday and Saturday. | ||
| Friday is always a little weird because people are tired. | ||
| And we do a late show. | ||
| It's like a 10.30 show on Friday. | ||
| So it doesn't really start until 11. And people have been working all day. | ||
| And then they start drinking. | ||
| It's hard to keep... | ||
| Friday at late is usually the worst show of the week. | ||
| It was still great. | ||
| Saturday was off the fucking chain. | ||
| Saturday was amazing. | ||
| Bob Fisher came on stage and brought up a bottle of champagne. | ||
| He's a sweetheart. | ||
| That's a long way from having to hide the fact that you're drinking on stage at the Tempe Impro. | ||
| I have to put it in a flask and say it's apple juice. | ||
| Isn't that the most ridiculous shit of all time? | ||
| Isn't that the most ridiculous shit literally of all time? | ||
| We've done some great shows. | ||
| We've had some great times. | ||
| We literally did that. | ||
| We brought a flask on stage. | ||
| You wouldn't let us drink? | ||
| They said it was a state law or something? | ||
| They made up a law. | ||
| Because Christians own the place. | ||
| They made up a law. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| And I had to say it to the owner. | ||
| I said, listen, man. | ||
| I go, this place is filled with people that want to see us get crazy. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| We want to get crazy. | ||
| They wouldn't let us drink. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go, I want to do a couple shots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, come on, man. | ||
| I'm here to start a party. | ||
| I'm here to do a stand-up comedy show. | ||
| I like to have fun. | ||
| Let's have some fun. | ||
| I know what I'm doing, okay? | ||
| I'm not a child. | ||
| And they wouldn't serve it to the green room. | ||
| And then Red Band got a great idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Rogan fucking funded it. | |
| We got whiskey in a flask. | ||
| Oh no, we got about a bunch of bottles. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We put it in that back corner. | ||
| We got fucked up, man. | ||
| And then we just kept saying, can I have some more Coca-Cola? | ||
| Yeah, we just got blasted on Coca-Cola. | ||
| With mixers. | ||
| They couldn't figure out what was going on. | ||
| We were tipping the weights to have 100 bucks for Coca-Colas. | ||
| Yeah, but then somebody ratted you out. | ||
| Well, yeah, it was one of the waitresses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of the waitresses was, she was a familiar to the Demon King. | |
| Tell me, what have they done down at the club? | ||
| This one wears alcohol on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nonsense! | |
| He is not allowed! | ||
| Cannot be true! | ||
| Remember what he said to me? | ||
| He drinks alcohol on stage. | ||
| Remember when we got there? | ||
| A heretic. | ||
| We got there, and we were in the parking lot. | ||
| Joey Diaz is already inside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He gets mad at you. | ||
| Yeah, we're in the parking lot a couple minutes early. | ||
| We're like, let's smoke a joint. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then we'll go in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Diaz, start the show. | ||
| We'll be in in a couple minutes. | ||
| Dude's 15. The music wasn't even on. | ||
| I called, like, Dan wants to talk to you. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| He goes, what the fuck? | ||
| We had to delay the show for 30 minutes because of you. | ||
| People are standing in the rain. | ||
| I'm like, don't. | ||
| What minutes? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| He would just make shit up. | ||
| It was the first time I ever talked back to a club owner. | ||
| He goes, well, you're not going on this show. | ||
| And I'm like, I am damn well going on this show. | ||
| This is the only reason I'm here. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about the money. | ||
| I'm going on this show. | ||
| You almost got that loud. | ||
| I didn't get that loud. | ||
| I said, Dan, I'm going on. | ||
| And then I got super worried. | ||
| You got really heartbeady. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dan, I'm going on. | ||
| And then I go, dude, you're going on. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| That helps a lot. | ||
| Fuck out of here. | ||
| I was so nervous. | ||
| Well, at a certain point in time, what we would do the way we do... | ||
| I mean, the improvs are like some of the most professionally run clubs in the country. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, we would take over the room. | ||
| That's what we do for the night. | ||
| Well, we took over the room. | ||
| A lot of clubs you go to, even when Callan goes on the road, Callan doesn't do it the same way we do it. | ||
| What Callan does is he goes there and they have an opening act and a middle act that they book. | ||
| And he just shows up, he's the headliner. | ||
| That way he doesn't have to pay as much for people's airfare and all the other shit that I pay for. | ||
| But for me, I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| You don't take over the room that way. | ||
| Then you have to deal with... | ||
| Yeah, then you're just a part of an act and you're a part of a comedy club experience. | ||
| Yeah, it's way more whole fucking night that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So what we would do is say, listen, we're going to provide the opening act, we're going to provide the middle act, and it's not up to them to say yes or no. | ||
| It's like, I've got a long, long, long reputation of bringing funny people on the road with me. | ||
| I always bring headliners on the road with me, so you know it's going to be a top-level act. | ||
| So don't worry about that. | ||
| And if it's a matter of whether or not you think my audience can't handle it, well, that's not your... | ||
| It's not up to you to decide. | ||
| Because you brought the whole audience. | ||
| Yeah, I brought the whole crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the difference. | |
| Usually they're dealing with people who, you might bring 20% of the audience, 10%, but I'm sure the rest of these people are happy. | ||
| So he tried to get crazy, but I was like, no, he can't get crazy. | ||
| We bought the room. | ||
| We essentially have a contract. | ||
| You can't just break the contract because you decide that a guy's late. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He's really working for me. | ||
| I'm a private contractor. | ||
| I'm a subcontractor to this contract. | ||
| Don't make me fucking smack you, bitch. | ||
| Sit the fuck down, crazy asshole. | ||
| He was just a dude who liked to party. | ||
| And he would come to work the next day with a headache. | ||
| And he'd get just fucking grumpy as shit. | ||
| When I meet a dude like that, honestly, I mean, I love Danny Murr. | ||
| And I'm not talking about him in particular, because I really never had a problem with that dude. | ||
| He and I never had a problem. | ||
| He was upset at me once because I came into town to do a theater and I didn't do his club. | ||
| But the only reason why I did it is because this radio station promoted it. | ||
| To me, it was like this radio station had played my Voodoo Panani song. | ||
| It became the number one song in Phoenix. | ||
| Only in Phoenix. | ||
| They wanted you to do a thing. | ||
| Yeah, so they wanted me to come in and do a show for them. | ||
| Now, I couldn't say no. | ||
| It was like 1999. I couldn't say no. | ||
| It's like nobody ever offered to put me in a theater before. | ||
| Like, holy shit, this radio station's going to take a gamble. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, dude, no offense to the other club. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It's not against you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, come on. | |
| Just got to set an offer for something. | ||
| Dude, you know, recognize. | ||
| But when I see a dude who gets snippy and snappy like that, I get sad. | ||
| Because I know that that's just a person whose chemical system is just completely out of fucking whack. | ||
| Project. | ||
| Yeah, he's just not healthy. | ||
| How the fuck could we... | ||
| There's no way that guy's healthy. | ||
| That guy's a mess. | ||
| His whole system... | ||
| He was always tired. | ||
| When you see people and you know their shit's not flowing well, you just really... | ||
| Don't you see that now when you're eating healthy? | ||
| You feel how much different your body feels? | ||
| And of course, it would react the opposite way when you eat the opposite. | ||
| Coming on the road with you, probably that... | ||
| The comedy store and maybe my upbringing were probably the biggest influences on my stand-up. | ||
| Those three things. | ||
| Because seeing those big crowds and then being able to temper it with fucking shitty eight-person rooms at the store... | ||
| Well, something happened along the way within the last few years where people started recognizing you. | ||
| And they knew to expect you. | ||
| Whereas I used to bring you up and the real meatheads would be like, Where's Rogan? | ||
| Where's Rogan? | ||
| Bring Rogan up! | ||
| The real douchey dudes that I really got rid of almost all of them now. | ||
| But then a couple times, you'd find it just here a little by little. | ||
| A couple people were like, Ari, you going up tonight? | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| You know me ahead of time? | ||
| Yeah, and I would see it on the forums and shit. | ||
| I hope Ari comes with him. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ari Shaffir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Yeah, they're all excited for it. | ||
| That's weird lately, man. | ||
| The Diaz ones that I've been recording. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my gosh. | |
| It's like everywhere they're trying to top themselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because now it's become like some sort of a crazy competition. | ||
| Because in Denver they went fucking berserk. | ||
| They went berserk. | ||
| Winnipeg in 2010 was the first time I saw that on a large scale level. | ||
| Because I don't think you've ever played Winnipeg. | ||
| I've never been back. | ||
| It was my favorite show of 2010. It was crazy. | ||
| It was fun, man. | ||
| That was the only place I could do like that back then. | ||
| It was a two or three level place. | ||
| And they went so crazy while I was on. | ||
| Right when I walked on, as you were saying introduction notes, they'd start clapping. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they'd know who it is. | ||
| They'd say credits. | ||
| Yeah, I was, for whatever reason, man, my comedy took off in Canada before it ever did in America. | ||
| Like, I would do way better in theaters in Canada. | ||
| Remember when we would do, like, Calgary? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We'd have to do two shows. | ||
| Well, I did two shows recently. | ||
| Two shows at that fucking Jack Singer concert hall? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we did a show where they sold out like an extra, I don't know how many seats, but they had to bring them on stage. | ||
| So we had people on the stage with us. | ||
| On the stage with us, yeah. | ||
| But it was like, they gave us the option of that or those people get refunded and they have to go home. | ||
| I was like, fuck that, man. | ||
| I was like, yeah, we can't let them go out. | ||
| I'm like, this is going to be a cool story. | ||
| Because these people had like babysitters and shit. | ||
| I mean, who knows what kind of... | ||
| They thought they could take the rafters out and they could sit behind us, but then they couldn't do that. | ||
| They couldn't do that. | ||
| It was at least 80 people. | ||
| It was a lot of people. | ||
| The stage was humongous. | ||
| We didn't need it all. | ||
| Yeah, it was fine. | ||
| If we don't need it all, then we're like, give some to them. | ||
| And it became fodder. | ||
| It became kind of funny. | ||
| You're standing next to someone who's in a chair who's just watching you. | ||
| You're trying to act out a hump out. | ||
| You're in some old lady's face. | ||
| You're like, so sorry about this, ma'am. | ||
| I've got to do this here. | ||
| You're looking at their drink going, that's delicious. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That looks awesome. | ||
| Is that salted? | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| I did Doug Benson's interruption yesterday. | ||
| Did you like that? | ||
| No, not the interruption. | ||
| Doug loves movies. | ||
| And some guy in the front row was bringing out those purple, the grape twizzlers. | ||
| And I was like, oh. | ||
| And he gave me the sign of like, do you want one? | ||
| And I nodded. | ||
| And he threw one up to me. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it was delicious. | ||
| It's one grape swizzler. | ||
| You can interact with people. | ||
| A solid piece of candy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good invention. | ||
| It doesn't taste anything like grape. | ||
| We were talking about this the other day. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It tastes like purple. | ||
| We did that podcast. | ||
| We've accepted a fake grape taste for grape soda, grape gum. | ||
| It doesn't taste anything like a real grape. | ||
| But when you eat it, you go, oh, that's grape. | ||
| You accept it as being a fake grape. | ||
| You know, like cherry soda. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Unless you're getting some, like, legit deli cherry soda. | ||
| That's maraschino cherry juice. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| It's like candy cherry. | ||
| Yeah, it's not really cherries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cherry soda's pretty fucking good, though, isn't it? | ||
| Cherry Coke? | ||
| It's pretty rare. | ||
| You know, if you're really looking to wreck your fucking immune system, and you're eating, like, a pastrami sandwich with, you know, fucking Thousand Island dressing slopping off the sides of it, and you have a cherry Coke, oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's delicious. | |
| Give me craziness! | ||
| I want more sugar! | ||
| I love it too when they're like, well we don't have the grenadine, can we pour the juice in? | ||
| I was like, yeah, pour the juice in. | ||
| Oh my god, you go that deep? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One time at Denny's we were all eating there and I asked her for cherry, like put the cherry juice in. | ||
| She didn't know and she poured the thing out but it was all the peanuts had like leaked over in their sundae area. | ||
| And so there's pieces of peanuts floating in it and I was like, what is peanuts doing in here? | ||
| And then I realized what it was. | ||
| So she just poured the whole sundae area thing over to get the cherry juice out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a little too much sugar for your system, son. | ||
| Not my system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so bad for you to drink that much sugar. | ||
| To eat that much sugar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I keep reading shit about sugar, how bad it is. | ||
| I gotta try to wean off it. | ||
| Why does it taste so goddamn good, though? | ||
| Because when I haven't had it in a while, because I eat so much of it, when I haven't had it in a while, I get low blood sugar, because I'm used to it now. | ||
| You know what, dude? | ||
| You know what you can't fuck with? | ||
| Haagen-Dazs chocolate ice cream. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit, it's good. | |
| If you invest in a quality ice cream bar or chocolate bar sometimes, when you're like, let me just get Nestle's. | ||
| That's okay, but let me go above and beyond. | ||
| You're like, oh, this has done better. | ||
| No wonder it's a dollar extra. | ||
| Dark chocolate bar. | ||
| It's dark chocolate on the outside with chocolate on the inside. | ||
| You ever go to a real Häagen-Dazs place where they dip in the chocolate and let it melt right on there for you? | ||
| Fuck yes, son. | ||
| Those are awesome. | ||
| Yeah, and you don't know, by the way, none of you know what ice cream tastes like unless you smoke pot. | ||
| You think! | ||
| You think! | ||
| You think you know what a sundae tastes like? | ||
| Bitch, you're living in a dream. | ||
| You're sucking a dick through a roll of toilet paper. | ||
| You're not feeling it. | ||
| You're not feeling it. | ||
| You're not getting the full experience. | ||
| There is no better part of my depression than when I was taking some medication to let me have hyperphagia where I would never feel full. | ||
| I would get stoned and not feel full and just for an hour just eat syrup and whipped cream and just mow. | ||
| More and more. | ||
| Did you hit the wall? | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| I had to tell myself you're done. | ||
| But what did you feel like? | ||
| Did you feel exhausted from all the sugar? | ||
| No. | ||
| You would just get a little more weight down. | ||
| Dude, I would eat until there's nothing left to eat. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| When you get high, you can finish off anything. | ||
| Wow, dude. | ||
| That seems, like, dangerous. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| To get so you can't get full... | ||
| Can't your stomach explode? | ||
| Can't you, like, eat too much and your stomach explodes? | ||
| They warn you. | ||
| I have to be like, okay, eight plates of spaghetti, probably that's enough, right? | ||
| Can it break? | ||
| I mean, your stomach can break, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Do those eater guys, those professional eaters... | ||
| You probably barf. | ||
| You throw up. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| It's like drinking a gallon of milk. | ||
| You can't do it because your body would make you throw it up. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| That's the rumor. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, I guess there's not enough room. | ||
| Yeah, and you would want to drink... | ||
| Imagine if you could drink a gallon of milk, what your fucking stomach would look like. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bet Joey Diaz could drink a gallon of milk. | ||
| We had, and me and David Taylor's talk show, we had Mark Hatch was going to come in and try. | ||
| Joey Diaz is a big guy. | ||
| I'd be willing to let him try. | ||
| He's not going to do it. | ||
| You don't think he could do it? | ||
| He doesn't want to be the human, like... | ||
| No, he wouldn't do it. | ||
| He wouldn't do it. | ||
| But if he wanted to do it, he could do it. | ||
| I think he couldn't. | ||
| You don't think he could do it? | ||
| No. | ||
| So it's a physiological thing. | ||
| No one can do it. | ||
| It's like you can't eat a piece of white bread or two pieces of white bread in a minute. | ||
| What about like a Tim Sylvia? | ||
| Like a giant dude? | ||
| I say no. | ||
| You don't think he can do it? | ||
| I even say Big Ben. | ||
| Big Ben Rothwell? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He couldn't drink it down in the middle. | ||
| Oh no, Nelson? | ||
| Who's the guy with the big fat stomach? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Roy Nelson? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't think he can drink it down in the middle? | ||
| I bet next time we see Roy Nelson, let's try to ask him. | ||
| Well, he'd be fighting, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, you can't ask him in the middle of that. | ||
| Or later. | ||
| You can't say, hey, this is a good fight. | ||
| Hey, can you drink it down in the middle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you drink it down in the middle? | |
| Just totally blow off the fact that I just fought to the death against Shane Carwin. | ||
| Now that you're not training anymore, can we interest you in filming you drinking? | ||
| If Nelson is out there, please film that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, good fight. | |
| Listen, man, I have a podcast, and we're regularly number 40 on iTunes, and I'd be willing to actually put this online if you would drink a gallon of milk. | ||
| Do you think you can drink a gallon of milk? | ||
| I say can't do it. | ||
| Film the whole thing and watch them start barfing. | ||
| Well, I don't know, man. | ||
| You and I should be the ones to talk about that, actually, because we were there for the Opie and Anthony Big Bird Challenge. | ||
| How much do you think that guy drank? | ||
| Because he was in like the 70 shots. | ||
| A double shot. | ||
| Just one double shot every minute. | ||
| What's a double shot? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is a double shot? | ||
| Is it that big? | ||
| How many ounces is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We'd have to find out the exact amounts. | ||
| He drank 70-something shots of eggnog. | ||
| I think that's a gallon, dude. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Why do you think that? | ||
| Just because? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm totally making it up. | ||
| It's not like 60 times 2. I'm completely making it up. | ||
| I don't have a fucking clue. | ||
| I would just think that if I bought a gallon of eggnog and I poured 70 people drinks from it, I would be shocked. | ||
| You'd be out of it. | ||
| I would be shocked at the economy of this gallon. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Yeah, he did it. | ||
| He did it. | ||
| He drank more than a gallon. | ||
| Pat from Woonaki. | ||
| Pat from Woonaki. | ||
| Because if you watch the video of Pat from Woonaki hurling... | ||
| I'm not going to play anything for you, but you were there live with me. | ||
| I was there live. | ||
| We were there in the studio. | ||
| So was Burr, so was Norton, so was Opie and Anthony. | ||
| Was Redman there too? | ||
| Redman was not there. | ||
| He was not there. | ||
| Holy shit, was it crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my... | |
| And the smell! | ||
| And E-Rock was there. | ||
| They had a kid named Pat Duffy. | ||
| This is what happened, folks. | ||
| They had this nutty... | ||
| Eggnog drinking contest. | ||
| And Pat Fumunaki, who's a giant of a man. | ||
| He's an enormous, enormous fellow. | ||
| Another giant of a man. | ||
| Huge, enormous guy, this Pat Fumunaki. | ||
| And he's the current champ. | ||
| So he is keeping his fucking crown, okay? | ||
| By the way, he's diabetic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
so he has to immediately oh he's so crazy Oh, by the way. | |
| By the way, that's why Opie Anthony is the most awesomest radio show in the history of radio. | ||
| I mean, that's just, who the fuck else would do that? | ||
| Well, Stern would do that, too. | ||
| So anyway, they have this fucking guy, Pat Fumunaki, who's, you know, he can only keep it in his system for a certain amount of time. | ||
| Otherwise, he has to get rid of it. | ||
| He's got to get rid of it because he could die literally from sugar overload. | ||
| And he has to go shoot himself in the stomach. | ||
| Yeah, he has to give himself a shot of insulin. | ||
| So there's a massive amount of shit going on here. | ||
| But he's still playing. | ||
| He didn't let that stop him. | ||
| He's still winning. | ||
| He's still a warrior. | ||
| So he says, I'm going to blow soon. | ||
| I'm going to blow soon. | ||
| And then somehow or another, I get this crazy idea where I say... | ||
| How about somebody leans over the garbage can and opens their mouth and he throws up in your mouth? | ||
| Directly into your mouth. | ||
| And I'm thinking, there's no way anybody... | ||
| I'm saying something ridiculous. | ||
| I'm saying something like when Red Band's on the podcast and he says, why don't you just eat your own poop? | ||
| He doesn't really mean... | ||
| He's trying to say something completely ridiculous for funny. | ||
| Okay, that's what I was trying to do. | ||
| I was thinking, just for a joke, why don't I say... | ||
| You say something as a joke, but they take you completely seriously. | ||
| Well, this Pat Duffy motherfucker said, I'm game. | ||
| This guy would do anything. | ||
| It silenced the room. | ||
| He would catch a bullet with his dick. | ||
| That's what I remember. | ||
| But him saying, I game, was like a... | ||
| We were like, what? | ||
| And then someone said... | ||
| I don't remember if they said what was happening. | ||
| Who named it the baby bird? | ||
| Somebody else. | ||
| Was it Norton? | ||
| It might have been Vinnie Brand. | ||
| It might have been Vinnie Brand. | ||
| Someone else was there. | ||
| Some other person was there. | ||
| And Bird was there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bird came in just because he watched it the year before. | ||
| And he said, I want to be a part of that one this year. | ||
| Those guys are so, like, no one will understand. | ||
| If you've ever done, like, a radio show that's been, like, rigid and stiff and the people are nuts, you'll never understand ONA. I bought a Baby Bird t-shirt. | ||
| I said, fuck it, one of the only shirts I'll buy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not, man? | |
| Here's another thing that happened on ONA. We convinced stalker Patty, who's this crazy lady who comes to the studio, who's like a 49-year-old virgin. | ||
| She's really nuts, too. | ||
| We convinced her that she was on drugs. | ||
| We took a... | ||
| Are you going to take a leak? | ||
| We don't. | ||
| We convinced her that she had taken a drug, that we had put a drug... | ||
| No, thanks, man. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| And completely psychosomatic. | ||
| Started having massive hallucinations. | ||
| So Ari pulls his ball sack out. | ||
| Your cock and balls or just your balls? | ||
| Cock and balls. | ||
| Cock and balls. | ||
| Could be bomb. | ||
| She was sitting there. | ||
| We had her completely convinced with sound effects and shit that she was just tripping her balls off. | ||
| They had somebody put a rabbit suit on, run around the room once, and then run out. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| That was either Roland or E-Rock. | ||
| That was one of those two guys. | ||
| It might have been E-Rock. | ||
| It was good fun with a crazy person, but what you did to take it to the next level, so you pulled your cock and balls out, which you probably could never do now, because you did this before they got kicked off the air for that Condoleezza Rice thing. | ||
| Remember that homeless guy? | ||
| Oh yeah, that would be too rapey for them now. | ||
| Yeah, that homeless guy said a lot of crazy shit, like he wanted to rape Condoleezza Rice. | ||
| He didn't even say that. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| He said he wants to love her hard. | ||
| He wants to love her until she loves it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was innuendo for rape, possibly. | ||
| I hear girls like that. | ||
| They like it if they love it. | ||
| I hear it too when they say, I love when you do that. | ||
| They like that. | ||
| But that's not rape. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what he said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real? | |
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah, it was just taken out of context. | ||
| I thought he said something way more fucked up than that. | ||
| I remember it being pretty racy. | ||
| And the queen too. | ||
| He was going to hold her down and make her love him. | ||
| The Queen. | ||
| The Queen of England. | ||
| That's a homeless guy. | ||
| He's a homeless guy. | ||
| Who cares what he says? | ||
| Yeah, I just think that's pretty funny. | ||
| Why would they suspend the show for that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so silly. | |
| Yeah, but you gave me a look. | ||
| I was sitting at the couch, and you gave me a look, and it was like, oh, am I welcome to do things here? | ||
| And those guys, Open Anthony, were so cool that I was like, because I knew I was only there hanging out with you, but I was like, I think they're okay if I play here. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they totally were. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Well, they're all about... | ||
| There's never like a level. | ||
| You're not... | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| They never do that shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's a real good point. | ||
| Like, oh, you're a comic? | ||
| You're a friend of his? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| How are you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And well, that's how some of their best guests come about. | ||
| And then they've made some of their best guests famous. | ||
| You know, when I first started going to New York, I couldn't get on their show, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I was in Jersey. | ||
| Yeah, I wasn't known enough. | ||
| Oh, they already had a show back then. | ||
| Yeah, they were doing the Afternoons. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I would do Rascals, Rascals Comedy in Jersey. | ||
| I forget where it was. | ||
| Orange? | ||
| West Orange? | ||
| Yeah, West Orange. | ||
| Really nice club, but it's hard to get people to come in back then, because I was a nobody. | ||
| I was headlining, but I was on Hardball. | ||
| Nobody knew who the fuck I was. | ||
| So I would do a show, and it would be half-empty. | ||
| But if you got on Opie and Anthony, you'd pack that place. | ||
| They would always talk about Jay Moore. | ||
| Jay Moore did Opie and Anthony. | ||
| And it would just pack the fucking cloth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pack it. | |
| So you just wanted in. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, well, if I could get there, God. | ||
| But I couldn't get on. | ||
| I didn't have enough clout. | ||
| So once I started doing it, it was like, ah, it was so fun. | ||
| They're nuts, man. | ||
| They've done some nutty fucking stunts. | ||
| But this guy leaned over a trash can and tilted his head back like he was getting his hair shampooed at a barber. | ||
| Pat from Munaki, all 300-plus pounds of him, this enormous man who has drank, I believe it was 74 shots. | ||
| And I'm being conservative. | ||
| He beat the last guy, then drank a couple more while the other guy got ready. | ||
| Oh, he kept going. | ||
| He beat his own record. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, that's what he did. | ||
| He went to beat his record, and then he goes, all right, it's time. | ||
| And then he's like, all right, that's about it. | ||
| That's all I got. | ||
| That's all I got. | ||
| And so this guy actually did what I suggested, this Pat Duffy guy, did Lean Over the Barrel. | ||
| Because that was a height of fear factor. | ||
| So it was like a perfect fear factor thing. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And Pat from Wunaki did what can only be described as a comic book throw-up in this guy's mouth. | ||
| Like, nowhere in the world has anyone thrown up on a person the way he did it. | ||
| There's no way it's been done. | ||
| There's a still picture, and it looks like he is enveloping, like a spider, breaking down with its fluids. | ||
| I should also say that Pat from Wunaki also was a competitive eater. | ||
| Oh, was he really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He didn't just win this eggnog challenge. | ||
| He's done... | ||
| One stop in the career. | ||
| The great career of one stop. | ||
| He's had a career in competitive eating where he's been fairly successful. | ||
| He's an extraordinary man when it comes to volume. | ||
| So he's got this... | ||
| Killing it. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| This broken fire hydrant spew... | ||
| Coming out of his mouth where we're going, NO! We're screaming! | ||
| And it lasts. | ||
| It lasts way more than should be real. | ||
| It seems like it's photoshopped. | ||
| If we weren't there, and if it wasn't from a bunch of different angles and shitty cell phone footage, I think our version is up. | ||
| One of us had a cell phone that was recording it, but it's so crazy. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| The volume is so insane. | ||
| It's so cartoonish. | ||
| It's so comic bookish. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's the Exorcist. | ||
| I mean, it's insane. | ||
| And then after we left, and there's barf everywhere, we were out of the studio ten minutes later, and we're like, Hey, Ron and Fez, enjoy this smell. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| We just left it to them. | ||
| Yeah, and these giant, like, big garbage pails filled with throw-up. | ||
| And there's plastic all over the floor. | ||
| Stunk! | ||
| The air conditioner would come on, and the waft would hit you. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
| It was pre-merger. | ||
| They had a lot more freedom back then. | ||
| And that was the regular radio version, right? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| That was FM. That was K-Rock in New York. | ||
| God, that was awesome. | ||
| That was so much fun. | ||
| And then the rest of the day, we were in bliss. | ||
| We got to see something fucked up. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| We saw something fucked up! | ||
| It's the equivalent of when a girl blows you in the morning and the rest of the day you just feel good. | ||
| That's pretty hot. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's close to it. | ||
| Yeah, we had achieved this moment of like, especially as comedians. | ||
| Yeah, comedians want to see fucked up things. | ||
| We want to see things that are ridiculous. | ||
| Because right after that we had that whole thing with Jamie Masada from The Laugh Factory, who just, by the way, Dom, I did his podcast over there, and he goes, while Jamie's there, he goes, Jamie, how come you don't put Ari on? | ||
| He's got a following. | ||
| I put them on. | ||
| I'm like, Jamie, it's cool if you don't. | ||
| But no, you know you don't. | ||
| I'm never here. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, but he's like, okay, I'll put you on. | ||
| Now he's actively trying to get me in there. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Dom is completely in our side. | ||
| It's really nice of him to do that. | ||
| Dom's a good guy, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dom quits drinking. | ||
| He quit drinking recently. | ||
| He's experienced this rejuvenation in the way he feels and about stand-up comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, and doing the podcast a few times. | ||
| Stand-up is a lot of people coming out to see him from the podcast. | ||
| They come up to him afterwards. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, the quitting the drinking thing is fucking giants, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you have mine. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's an interesting dude, too. | ||
| And Donna Rare is like the most honest, don't give a fuck guy left on earth. | ||
| His famous line that I always quote is, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet. | ||
| That's how little I give a fuck. | ||
| Anyway, if you go to my website, Ari the Great, Go there and get four free tracks for nothing. | ||
| Are you coming with me afterwards here to go see my studio? | ||
| Are you going to see it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's go see that movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What movie? | |
| The one you were talking about. | ||
| Oh, the Jewish movie? | ||
| No, the Will Ferrell movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I would go see that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I might have to do some baby shit, though. | ||
| I've got little girls. | ||
| I might have to remember whether or not I committed to doing anything. | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| Sometimes I say, okay, we'll go do that later. | ||
| And I don't remember. | ||
| And then my wife has to go, you promised you would do that later. | ||
| They get mad. | ||
| You can't disappoint. | ||
| Did you hear that shit? | ||
| Oh, that was that. | ||
| That came through. | ||
| Yeah, they get a little shouty. | ||
| Because it means a lot to them. | ||
| That's the thing I'd be so worried about with kids. | ||
| You make an offhanded statement and they take it forever. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| You just make sure that you don't disappoint them. | ||
| It's more of a responsibility, but the reward of it is amazing. | ||
| It's hard to really wrap your head around. | ||
| I've been like you before. | ||
| I've been single and to be like, it's the last thing I want to fucking care. | ||
| Believe me. | ||
| I was like the voice of that before. | ||
| You just really don't understand what it's like until you have that experience. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| There is a whole different side of it. | ||
| And there are benefits that I can't understand. | ||
| And there's negatives that I can't understand either. | ||
| I can just sort of wrap my head around. | ||
| What was I going to say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Oh, the decision to whether or not you should have a baby should be thought of before randomly some girl says, hey, I'm pregnant. | ||
| You should already be decided, can we have a baby now or not? | ||
| Not like, wow, maybe we should do this. | ||
| That's not the right time to think about it. | ||
| Yeah, the two-year-old was the one that we did on purpose. | ||
| It was planned out and everything. | ||
| I was happy for the other daughter as well. | ||
| I mean, super happy. | ||
| I remember when you told me about it as we were playing pool. | ||
| It was crazy, but super happy. | ||
| But planning for one is kind of a different thing. | ||
| Like, you're planning. | ||
| Yeah, how is it different? | ||
| And it sounds so gay. | ||
| We're trying to get pregnant. | ||
| You know, she's trying to get pregnant, stupid. | ||
| You're just fucking her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, we're trying to get pregnant. | ||
| We're pregnant! | ||
| No, you're not! | ||
| You're not pregnant! | ||
| That's the trade-off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up, bitch. | |
| We had to pay you alimony for fucking 40 years, but we get to say we are pregnant? | ||
| It's just some beta shit. | ||
| It's just some beta shit that men fall into once they get their wife pregnant. | ||
| They become just... | ||
| Your testosterone drops. | ||
| It's really scientifically proven. | ||
| Because you mimic their behavior, sort of? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, you become a nester. | ||
| You know, your testosterone drops when you're around babies, you're around your wife. | ||
| And it's also probably trying to calm you down to make you a little bit more patient. | ||
| Nature knows what the fuck it's doing. | ||
| I had a rabbi once in sixth grade, rabbi, not cracker, but anyway, he said the reason God makes babies cute is so we don't kill them. | ||
| I used to do that in my act. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, oxytocin. | ||
| What's oxytocin? | ||
| It's something that your brain produces when you see your babies. | ||
| And it's an incredible feeling of love and connection. | ||
| This incredible drug. | ||
| It's the same drug that's released in women when they're orgasm. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The joke in my accident. | ||
| And then it's to keep you from eating them when you get really hungry. | ||
| That's the reason why a baby produces oxytocin. | ||
| When you see them, you literally... | ||
| It produces that in you. | ||
| A drug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| You literally get drugged. | ||
| I mean, it's all set up. | ||
| It's set up so that we keep breeding. | ||
| It's not an accident that when you're around a chick, your dick gets hard, you get all attracted to her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like this girl that has superpowers that you're talking about. | ||
| You're talking about like a beautiful girl who's like, she just thinks, she's got a superpower. | ||
| She can walk into a room and everybody wants to fuck her and so she's confused and she acts crazy but no one cares to tolerate anything because she's built like Tracy Lords. | ||
| I think there's something to also the chemicals on you. | ||
| There's this new girl that hangs out at the store. | ||
| She's this comic. | ||
| And everybody, yeah, everyone walks by her and she's not super gorgeous and she doesn't dress slutty or anything. | ||
| She's just dirty. | ||
| Yeah, she's just dirty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a dirty girl. | |
| And everybody walks by her and everyone's like, what's that girl's deal? | ||
| Like, I've heard a thousand comics ask. | ||
| And it's just, she's exuding something. | ||
| Some chemical. | ||
| Yeah, there's girls that are just sexy, man. | ||
| There's girls that are not that good looking, but they're fucking sexy. | ||
| They give you a look. | ||
| Something comes, I don't know what it is. | ||
| And by the way, sex with them is always way better than sex with a girl who's really pretty but not into it. | ||
| You want someone to be into it? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird what is sexy and what's not. | ||
| Even if you're chubby, once the guy's willing to fuck you, let it all out. | ||
| Don't worry about like, oh, you shouldn't look at this. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Let it go, baby. | ||
| We're happier there. | ||
| If he throws up, he throws up. | ||
| Exactly, ain't gonna. | ||
| Yeah, the people used to love those porns where really fat guys would fuck girls. | ||
| I remember there was a magazine called Sluts and Slobs. | ||
| That's what people like looking at. | ||
| Hot girls getting fucked by slobs. | ||
| Yeah, it was one of my favorite all-time magazines. | ||
| Slobs is such a great word. | ||
| Because it was slobs, man. | ||
| You're a slob. | ||
| It was dudes with, like, spaghetti stains on tank tops and shit with big fat stomachs. | ||
| They were dressed as slobs, too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, the whole fantasy was that these dudes were just slinging dick on these... | ||
| Like a bunch of Mike Blacks with ketchup. | ||
| Oh, Remorse and Mike Black. | ||
| Mike Black's a fairly handsome man. | ||
| We're talking about, like, really fucking sweaty guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Man. | ||
| Yeah, dude, we've had some good times on the road. | ||
| Some crazy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yeah. | |
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Well, the camaraderie that comes from being a stand-up comedian, it's like, it's hard for a lot. | ||
| Like, we talk about comedy all the time. | ||
| We talk about the art form of comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And a lot of times people are like, why could you guys talk about comedy too much? | |
| Because you've got to understand that for us, it's like, it sounds so stupid, but it's almost like a sacred topic. | ||
| Yeah, but also there's things you can get from it, too, if you're listening. | ||
| Like, the way Greg Jackson talks about it, he always asks me questions about stand-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's always like, so what do you do when you're not doing well? | ||
| What do you do when you are doing well? | ||
| Well, he's into mental games. | ||
| Yeah, but he sees the similarities between what he's trying to train and what we're doing in all the arts. | ||
| Well, there's a similarity in truth. | ||
| And if you don't hit the right notes in comedy, it's clunky and awkward. | ||
| One of the right steps on this. | ||
| Yeah, we all know that there's a bit that you've done, everybody's got a bit, that if you heard it today, you would cringe. | ||
| Because you know it's clunky. | ||
| You got into it bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That used to be an approach that I would use with martial arts techniques. | ||
| I had some bad approaches that I had when I was a blue belt or a green belt that I would use in a tournament that I would never use as a black belt. | ||
| They're terrible approaches. | ||
| They might work, but they're full of mistakes. | ||
| They're open. | ||
| You just attack. | ||
| You go wide open. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You have to have feints and you have to have movement. | ||
| You have to learn what will throw a guy off and what doesn't throw a guy off. | ||
| And there's moments when you look back on the beginning jokes and it's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just clunky, dog shit material. | |
| Anyone that's listening can relate to that in something they've done, where they were bad at something and now they're better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hopefully. | |
| Because if you're not, you're a bitch. | ||
| If you've lived your life and never got good at something, what the fuck are you? | ||
| Yeah, what have you done? | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| You've missed out on what's... | ||
| Look... | ||
| It's hard to do shit. | ||
| It's difficult and it's scary. | ||
| But that's what friends are for. | ||
| Friends cushion all that shit. | ||
| One of the things that Randy Couture said, really kind of a cool thing that he said about fighting, he said that if you love your friends and love your family, they're going to love you if you win or lose. | ||
| You don't have to worry about that. | ||
| But that is something that people think about. | ||
| You base your worth and your value on winning and it becomes too much of a big deal to you. | ||
| It becomes like everything. | ||
| It becomes your whole life. | ||
| I heard this about kids recently. | ||
| That you shouldn't say good job when they get a good grade or something because that is unintentionally instilling in them that they are only successful in your eyes or good in their eyes when they're winning. | ||
| Do you want to create a team full of pussies or what? | ||
| What the fuck are you saying, Javier? | ||
| I'm hearing the baby books. | ||
| I think those baby books are written by cunts. | ||
| That's impossible. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Crazy fuckheads who don't know shit about raising... | ||
| I'm just talking shit. | ||
| That's crazy, yeah. | ||
| I think people like to be reinforced. | ||
| I think positive reinforcement for jobs well done is important. | ||
| But they said what you're supposed to do is job well tried. | ||
| If they're trying hard, that's what you're supposed to reward. | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| Success. | ||
| That sounds like some socialist bullshit put into target by liberals designed to slow down the marathon. | ||
| Somebody doesn't want to see a sub-three-hour marathon. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Mile. | ||
| What's the... | ||
| I was trying to... | ||
| Four-minute mile. | ||
| Four-minute mile and a three-hour marathon. | ||
| I think they all run it at three minutes. | ||
| That Paul Ryan character. | ||
| No, they don't all run. | ||
| No, like the champions, I mean. | ||
| Yeah, the champions. | ||
| Like 220, 230. | ||
| That's why that Paul Ryan dude tried to sneak in that he ran a sub-three-hour marathon, and they called him on it. | ||
| He didn't? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It was like 358. | ||
| It was more than four hours. | ||
| It was documented. | ||
| Why do the people lie? | ||
| All of them are so... | ||
| Are you going to vote this year? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're not going to? | ||
| I'm thinking of not voting. | ||
| You've said in the past you think it's all ridiculous. | ||
| If you really believe that, then there's no reason to waste your day. | ||
| Spend another day with your kids. | ||
| I think with the electoral college system that's in place, and anybody that's telling me that Obama is better than Mitt Romney, then Mitt Romney is the goddamn Holocaust. | ||
| If that's what you're telling me, if you're telling me that Mitt Romney is going to be worse than Obama, when you think about all the shit that's happened in this country to civil liberties over the last couple of years, whether people are aware of it or not, it's almost like this country is tightening up and getting ready for civil war. | ||
| They're getting scared that there's going to be civil unrest. | ||
| So they're putting all these things into place where they can spy on you and all these things in place that are fucking completely un-American and completely unconstitutional. | ||
| And then they went and re-read the Constitution, rewrote the Constitution. | ||
| They took out things like posse comatitis, I believe it is, the ability to use the military to stop civil unrest. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| The American military. | ||
| The police? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The American military can now be used to stop civil unrest. | ||
| They can now arrest you for shit and they don't have to bring you to trial and they can hold you as long as they want. | ||
| You have no recourse. | ||
| And this is all for American citizens. | ||
| That's the stuff we set up. | ||
| Because someone's going to abuse that power. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| No matter who it is. | ||
| And they say they will never use it. | ||
| And Obama's like, we'll never use this. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's written down now. | ||
| How about someone that's being born right now who grows up in 40 years to become the president? | ||
| You're saying he'll never use it? | ||
| There's a reason why we had all this shit set up a long time ago to make sure that you didn't involve church and state. | ||
| I think we've got to rewrite the Constitution. | ||
| Of course we do. | ||
| We've got to rewrite a brand new one. | ||
| Of course we do. | ||
| Because that stuff that happened 200 years ago has nothing to do with us. | ||
| You can't have a Constitution that was written before the internet. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| Before electricity? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, look, they knew the concepts of classic societies. | ||
| They knew the concepts of what was going to cause people to fall apart, what's going to cause people to give in to their id, what's going to cause people to be corrupt and to go wrong. | ||
| And so they prevented all that shit. | ||
| They prevented freedom of speech. | ||
| You've got to be able to say whatever the fuck you want to say. | ||
| You can't stop people from talking. | ||
| You've got to let people express themselves. | ||
| You've got to allow people to protest. | ||
| You have to allow people to organize. | ||
| You've got to let them be armed. | ||
| There's all these things they set in place because they knew. | ||
| Because they know, if you have all the arms, we have none, you're going to abuse that. | ||
| And that's something that liberal people don't want to accept. | ||
| The problem in this world is the gun problem. | ||
| No, the problem in this world is just crazy people. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing. | ||
| You have to allow for that. | ||
| There will be people. | ||
| You might not, but some people will, and so then you have to defend yourself. | ||
| Well, we have to, if that's another sickness. | ||
| You're not going to have a lock in your door? | ||
| It's a sickness in society that we have to address. | ||
| Why are we creating sick people? | ||
| Why are we creating crazy people? | ||
| Why are we creating violent people? | ||
| And that can be resolved. | ||
| With time and education and some form of action, some form of social engineering, I believe that you're going to be able to at least cut significantly down on the amount of cunts and douchebags that are developed by civilization. | ||
| I think if we went from being barbarians to people that live in... | ||
| We live way more civilized now. | ||
| Way more civilized now. | ||
| It's not close. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| So if you just extrapolate 100 years into the future, you would assume that things would continue to get easier and easier and easier. | ||
| I've got to think that eventually we can... | ||
| But, you know, we're never going to be able to engineer out greed. | ||
| We're never going to be able to engineer out, if someone has complete and total control over an entire city, they will do something terrible. | ||
| That's human nature. | ||
| I just say that. | ||
| Hold on to their power. | ||
| It's like, hold on, why would you say you would never do that when so many people have done it? | ||
| You should say, I'm glad I don't have that power because I probably would abuse it. | ||
| Right, because if you look at what we've done as a human race, just in military means, or by military means, over the last decade, how much different is it really than what happened during the days of the barbarian hordes? | ||
| The numbers are probably more significant. | ||
| It seems more civilized on the surface, but they're more effective at killing people. | ||
| They can kill massive numbers of people. | ||
| A bunch of people just died the other day, I think it was in Yemen, where they shot a bunch of civilians with one of those fucking drones. | ||
| And they just killed 14 people, 14 civilians. | ||
| I mean, women and children, they're getting jacked constantly by these things. | ||
| There's thousands of people who've been killed by these drones. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So they want to outlaw that because that just allows for error too easily and no one has to feel it? | ||
| Well, there's no significant voice to outlaw these things right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I've heard people say those. | ||
| That's one of the things I've heard about. | ||
| Yeah, not in this country, man. | ||
| You don't hear Mitt Romney saying it. | ||
| We're going to stop the drones. | ||
| We're going to stop those drone attacks. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Picketer people will say it. | ||
| Those people don't have a say. | ||
| We don't have any say. | ||
| Silly picketer people. | ||
| P. Carboni's joke, I'll just say. | ||
| They're going to arrest those people. | ||
| He said, do you think President Bush, this is how long it was, he goes, do you think President Bush cares about us protesting the war? | ||
| He goes, I think he thinks about the protesters the way we feel about the WNBA. Like, sure, it's annoying, but let them feel like they're making a difference. | ||
| Oh my god, I can't believe you went down. | ||
| What was P. Carboni? | ||
| Retired from comedy. | ||
| Why did he retire? | ||
| It wasn't making him happy after a while. | ||
| He just wasn't making money at it. | ||
| And he was like, I gotta do something. | ||
| He didn't want to struggle for fucking 145 spots at the store. | ||
| A lot of guys get close. | ||
| That grind is hard, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The fucking, the grind when you're, especially a grind in LA. Yeah. | ||
| When you're like one of those up and coming comics, you don't even have like road gigs you can pick up for 50 bucks here and there. | ||
| You just want time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You want to perform for free for someone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I view it as, you know how when they're running and there's an explosion behind you or a tidal wave coming at you, or like the bridge is falling behind you, and people behind you are falling in, but you manage to make it off before it completely collapses? | ||
| That's how I view a stand-up comedy, where there's some funny people that just didn't get living enough to get them going and they fell off the bridge. | ||
| Yeah, it's like anything else. | ||
| We all sucked at it at the beginning. | ||
| The reason why you can equate stand-up comedy to martial arts is because it's two things that you have to look at really realistically in order to get better at them. | ||
| You've got to figure out how to fucking make your way through the maze. | ||
| And if you get somebody pregnant early, it's going to be a lot harder. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it is. | ||
| You know, you might have quit. | ||
| I almost definitely would have quit. | ||
| If I got somebody pregnant at 26, a year in... | ||
| Well, you think you would take some time off, for sure. | ||
| Who comes back after time off? | ||
| Who knows, man? | ||
| Dana Gould did. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Dana Gould took a long time off. | ||
| He was writing for The Simpsons. | ||
| Yeah, but did he... | ||
| I think he was raising kids too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I might have made that up. | ||
| Imagine if he's gay. | ||
| I'm just making sure. | ||
| He's got a family. | ||
| He's got a dog. | ||
| I think he's raising dogs. | ||
| I think he does have a family. | ||
| He did my Storyteller show once. | ||
| He was really cool. | ||
| He was one of those guys that was around in Boston. | ||
| He was ahead of me. | ||
| He was like a couple of years ahead of me. | ||
| I don't think he's come back. | ||
| He was already a professional. | ||
| No? | ||
| He comes back. | ||
| Like Mary Lynn comes back. | ||
| But once they give it up, you're never back in it. | ||
| They're not the same to you. | ||
| No, it's just like your heart's not in it. | ||
| Your performance isn't as good. | ||
| You can't do it once in a month. | ||
| The people like us that are real hardcore stand-up fanatics, we despise people that quit. | ||
| You quitting, pussy. | ||
| We try to be like, oh no, that's cool. | ||
| I'm glad you're happy. | ||
| You happy now? | ||
| You know we're looking at you like... | ||
| You're a pussy. | ||
| You're giving up the greatest drug in the world. | ||
| It's just you can't take the ride. | ||
| The ride is just too bumpy. | ||
| Not even you pussy, but just like, oh, you're not one of us anymore. | ||
| Yeah, how could you not be one of us? | ||
| So long. | ||
| Yeah, I've got to be careful when I'm around guys like Stand Hope. | ||
| What? | ||
| Because I want to start doing mushrooms in front of them. | ||
| You want to start doing mushrooms in front of them? | ||
| Yeah, you're around a guy like that. | ||
| You'll do mushrooms and drive home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And drive home. | |
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| I haven't had the training he has. | ||
| Yeah, one of our friends, which will go, let's say his name rhymes with Smetty Huavo, was on Crazy Mushroom Dose and he was driving home and the road in front of him turned into flower petals. | ||
| Oh my god, it's like as he was driving, it's just flowers were flying off of his wheels and flowers were in front of him. | ||
| Yeah, could you imagine? | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| It wasn't that bad. | ||
| But just once where I was driving. | ||
| I thought I was done because I was doing it in someone's apartment. | ||
| And I was like, alright, I'm good. | ||
| I'm going to go home. | ||
| It's been five hours. | ||
| And then I'm driving. | ||
| I was looking at a sign. | ||
| But it's like that picture behind you. | ||
| It has a lot of colors. | ||
| And it just started swimming when I was at a light. | ||
| Like everything started. | ||
| And I was like, aw, fuck. | ||
| I feel like mushrooms is too dangerous to drive on. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah, it's too dangerous. | ||
| We don't do it, but mushrooms is... | ||
| Yeah, mushrooms are real... | ||
| It dissipates reality. | ||
| It gets reality to a place where you're like, I don't know if you can manage this. | ||
| You might be experiencing something that's absolutely not there at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you could just drive over a fucking cliff, think you're on a water ride, you know? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| You never quite lose reality, but you sort of get close. | ||
| Like, you don't lose where you are 100%. | ||
| I'm going to Cap City, by the way. | ||
| When are you working there? | ||
| Two weeks. | ||
| The 14th, I think. | ||
| September 14th. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| September 14th. | ||
| That place is the shit. | ||
| What days are you there? | ||
| The Friday, Saturday? | ||
| 12th through the 15th. | ||
| Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| Son! | ||
| Four days, yeah. | ||
| Dude, four days? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The 12th through the 15th? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Dude, you're a legit comic now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are. | |
| You're a legit headliner. | ||
| I feel like I'm in places now. | ||
| You're a legit headliner. | ||
| It's pretty fucking cool, man. | ||
| You're headlining the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. | ||
| That's legit as it gets, man. | ||
| As a stand-up comedian, that and the comedy works in Denver. | ||
| If you want to talk about the independent clubs that are super legit, Cap City is super legit. | ||
| You there, you're a real comic. | ||
| There's five rooms that I've put on my favorite five rooms for a long time. | ||
| The OR, the Comedy Store, Cap City, Denver Comedy Works, DC Improv, just because it was my first road room. | ||
| Well, as far as the vibe, Austin might have the best vibe in the history of the universe. | ||
| Yeah, it's so cool. | ||
| That's where we filmed that, what do we call it? | ||
| My butthole video? | ||
| Oh, yeah, when you had a problem. | ||
| What do we call it? | ||
| The Jew Clam, the Jew Clam video. | ||
| Your booty hole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Problem. | ||
| Yeah, it's just awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're cool. | |
| They're one of the cities that gets it. | ||
| They're smart enough to get it, but cool enough to be laid back about it. | ||
| Somebody fucked up in that club and painted over all the writing in the green room. | ||
| Some asshole decided there was too much writing on the wall. | ||
| You had like 30 years of history. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who did that? | |
| It was fun to look at, even if you don't know anybody. | ||
| Some dummy. | ||
| There was people that were dead that wrote on that wall. | ||
| A lot of them, including Hedberg. | ||
| Who painted over it? | ||
| Some silly bitch. | ||
| How dare you, you fuckheads. | ||
| That was historic. | ||
| It's not as historic as the Atlanta Punchline. | ||
| Because the Atlanta Punchline has that one thing that says, Quit trying to be Hicks. | ||
| You know if you write something on the wall, someone's going to write something shitty after it. | ||
| So many dudes try to be Hicks. | ||
| Hicks, as far as influencing comedians, Hicks influenced comedians the wrong way more than anybody. | ||
| Kaufman. | ||
| Kaufman was pretty bad. | ||
| Yeah, but they didn't go on stage and self-righteously preach to the crowd. | ||
| They didn't do that. | ||
| They didn't think they were better than you because they were trying something experimental. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, not only that. | ||
| There's some shit they just wrote in Popular Science Magazine five minutes ago and they're yelling at the crowd that they don't know it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you're at home watching fucking Roseanne, you know, sitting in the couch. | |
| And then they always do this. | ||
| They always say this. | ||
| Not a lot of times. | ||
| They'll be like, oh, too edgy for you? | ||
| And you're like, no, idiot. | ||
| No one laughed because it wasn't funny. | ||
| Just sucks, stupid. | ||
| Too edgy for you. | ||
| You fucking dubby. | ||
| Drop it and Bob on stage eight times in a row on purpose just for the sake of it. | ||
| Just get fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's just as fake as fake clean comedy. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I have no thoughts of that. | ||
| And part of it is sometimes people don't look at themselves that objectively, so they don't know what they're putting out there is so stupidly, offensively, dumb. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| They don't even know. | ||
| They're just clunking it. | ||
| Clonk! | ||
| It's hard when you watch someone go on stage. | ||
| I worked in Vegas with this guy once. | ||
| He was supposed to do like 20 minutes. | ||
| He did 45. 45 minutes, and it was some of the worst fucking comedy I have ever seen in my life. | ||
| It was so bad that by the time I got on stage, I was like, there's nothing funny. | ||
| Nothing is funny. | ||
| You couldn't even believe in funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like when we hang out together, like we do gigs at the Ice House especially, like if we're all shooting the shit. | ||
| I get like that sometimes I'm in a bored mood, yeah, but when we're doing that, we're in a good mood. | ||
| Yeah, we're shooting the shit and then we go on stage. | ||
| And you're like, so many things are funny. | ||
| Yeah, there's some of the best shows ever. | ||
| There's funniness everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, but if you're working with someone who sucks it... | ||
| It's like if you're at a job with someone who's a douchebag. | ||
| There's a difference between being at a job with someone who's fun. | ||
| Like if you had to work with Joey Diaz all day, you'd be laughing. | ||
| I mean, once a month he'd yell at you. | ||
| But you gotta deal with that. | ||
| Mostly great. | ||
| He'll yell at me over fucking nonsense. | ||
| The one day that he came in, he was fucking screaming about ranch dressing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking ranch dressing! | |
| Somebody gave him ranch dressing. | ||
| Well, he made a t-shirt about it. | ||
| He sold like a thousand fucking t-shirts. | ||
| It's blue cheese with wings or go fuck your mother was his famous line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just gets so mad about blue cheese. | |
| Blue cheese, please. | ||
| That kind of guy. | ||
| To be able to hang out with people like that. | ||
| There's a lot of people that would never understand a guy like that. | ||
| But for a guy like us, another stand-up comic is like a buoy in the ocean. | ||
| You're gravitated towards him to save you. | ||
| I mentioned him on ONA. I mentioned Diaz because I was like, Diaz told me this thing once. | ||
| And they're like, oh yeah, Joey Diaz. | ||
| We haven't seen him in forever. | ||
| They're like, he's so good at telling stories. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, he sure fucking is. | ||
| He sure is. | ||
| He's an unusual human. | ||
| It's so important to find those fucking people. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| It's one thing that I've developed a skill for. | ||
| I know how to wrangle people together. | ||
| I know how to wrangle a bunch of cool people together. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard to find cool, interesting people. | ||
| It's hard to accumulate. | ||
| You've got to cut all the cunts out. | ||
| You've got to cut them all out. | ||
| It's like pruning a tree. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The problem is it's hard when the cunts are somehow related to the cool people. | ||
| And you're like, oh, that's your best friend? | ||
| A brother or a best friend. | ||
| And you're like, oh, so he comes with you? | ||
| But I don't want him. | ||
| I just want you. | ||
| And he's like snipey. | ||
| He says snipey shit. | ||
| Girlfriend, shitty parents, something like that. | ||
| And he's like, I don't want to hang with him at all. | ||
| You don't have to do the actual words. | ||
| There's a balance to this world, man. | ||
| People don't realize it. | ||
| Those cunty people. | ||
| Their cuntiness is directly proportionate to how happy they are. | ||
| I just walk away from them now. | ||
| I treat them as wild animals. | ||
| If there was a barking dog, I would cross the street before going in front of that yard. | ||
| I'm not going to get through to you. | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| Do you have any interest? | ||
| I bought a ticket for you of Louis C.K. doing new stuff tonight at the Comedy Store Main Room. | ||
| Ooh, I might be into doing that. | ||
| I gotta see. | ||
| I gotta see. | ||
| We'll get off the podcast. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's at midnight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At midnight? | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's pretty late. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is he doing a show at midnight? | ||
| Is he doing an early show, too? | ||
| Nope, just a late show. | ||
| Doors open at 11. I think there was already a show in there, and he goes, I don't want to sell it out late, so fuck it. | ||
| It's also new jokes. | ||
| It's so cool that he's doing that, man. | ||
| And he said, you can only buy tickets live and with cash so that nobody counterfeits anything. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So the door guys have to stay there and sell tickets in the cover book. | ||
| So that nobody counterfeits anything? | ||
| He's had to deal with, not counterfeiting, scalping. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, he's had to deal with that a lot, I guess. | ||
| So he's trying to overcome that with the tickets. | ||
| So you have to actually wait in line to buy the tickets? | ||
| No, just walk up to the booth, get them. | ||
| Oh, but that means there's going to be a line, though. | ||
| That's annoying. | ||
| You can't use your credit card? | ||
| They put it online, and it was no more than a three-person line. | ||
| They were just whipping people through. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's an ATM right on the corner, right next to the main room. | ||
| There's an ATM there. | ||
| See, why aren't they just paying gold? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's like, do I have the cash on me? | ||
| I guess I do. | ||
| That sounds like he's going to get robbed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What if someone's a gangster and they're in that neighborhood, they know there's a lot of cash now, son. | ||
| You gave up the goods. | ||
| Notice that gangster has become a black guy, or it used to be like a... | ||
| Italian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gangster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They took it. | ||
| They did. | ||
| Another thing they've stolen. | ||
| Besides our wallets. | ||
| Whoa, Ari. | ||
| That was like... | ||
| Sounded too harsh. | ||
| That was you were acting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Besides our wallets. | ||
| Insulting me. | ||
| I did this guy once, when I didn't know the line, we're talking about rookie mistakes and stuff, I didn't know the line of how you can be mean but say it in a smile. | ||
| I learned a lot from watching Don Barris, when he'd call these grandmothers filthy whores, but he'd do it with such a smile. | ||
| I don't know how we quite, he exudes this like, I'm clearly joking. | ||
| And these old ladies would love it. | ||
| They'd be howling in front of their granddaughter. | ||
| It was just great. | ||
| I could always see him do it. | ||
| Barris knows how to do it. | ||
| Well, he's an experienced performer. | ||
| And I would do it sometimes with black people. | ||
| I'd be like, what's up, black people? | ||
| But say in a friendly enough way that it was so cool. | ||
| I remember this one door guy one time saw this black lady in the front row and goes, what's up, you black bitch? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It queered the room for the entire night. | ||
| For the next five hours, everybody was having weird sets. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that can happen, man. | ||
| Well, people can be a little off because of something fucked up, someone says. | ||
| Yeah, so some guy came in one time with his girlfriend. | ||
| I was on stage at the store in the middle of the showroom. | ||
| It's fine to come in there. | ||
| And I was like, hey, what's up? | ||
| How are you? | ||
| Nice to see you with your whore. | ||
| And I was like, ugh. | ||
| And the guy's like, what the fuck's your problem? | ||
| And I had to like, damn it, now I'm stuck in this thing. | ||
| Yeah, you're just trying to come up with something funny to say. | ||
| You didn't mean to say it. | ||
| It sounded wrong. | ||
| Sometimes they come out and you're like, nope, that wasn't it. | ||
| That didn't sound, yeah. | ||
| Especially when you do like what you and I do. | ||
| It's like you go on stage, there's a lot of fucking around. | ||
| There's a lot of ad-libbing. | ||
| And that's how you come up with new material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, to get like the bridges between subjects. | ||
| Like sometimes they're different every night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and in doing so. | ||
| So it keeps it loose and sounding natural and conversational. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, and sometimes in doing so, you also create these weird improvisational paths where you go on some completely new angle and you're like, oh my god, this is the new part to the bit. | ||
| This is important. | ||
| So it's important to me to be able to fuck around. | ||
| But sometimes, especially if you have a new subject, you're not exactly sure where you're going with it, you just take a stupid chance and you're like, oh no! | ||
| It's been like two minutes on a dark path and you're like, oh, there's a wolf around here that's going to eat me. | ||
| A wolf of boredom on the crowd. | ||
| You just get fucking stuck there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| Stuck in a shit topic. | ||
| You ever start a topic and then you're in the middle of it and you want to bail? | ||
| You're like, no, no. | ||
| And you go, God, do I get out of this? | ||
| I told somebody that at the Laugh Factory the other day at doing one of their employee shows. | ||
| I started down a path and I was like, you know what, guys? | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| I had this whole thing about this, but I'm going to talk about something else. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I was already getting laughs. | ||
| I was already doing fine, but I was just like, nah. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah, I guess it all depends on your level of enthusiasm. | ||
| Plus, I got 12 minutes there, and this is a seven-minute bit. | ||
| So it's like, do I want to commit this percentage of this time to this? | ||
| What made you decide to bail on it? | ||
| I wanted to work on something else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| And that was like, I could just do this right now, but it'd be just me just doing it. | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| And I need to work on this other thing. | ||
| You know, it's fresher, and that's my plan. | ||
| I need to develop things, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's the way to go, man. | ||
| Do you spend a lot of time actually writing? | ||
| Not actually writing. | ||
| I'll write over notes, little notes. | ||
| Get in front of your computer and get high and just start writing. | ||
| And it just takes a while. | ||
| And don't try to write jokes. | ||
| Just try to write. | ||
| Just write. | ||
| Sometimes I write as stand-up and sometimes I write as if someone was reading a book. | ||
| Free conscience? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's things that come out in most writing. | ||
| That's what David Wayne said. | ||
| Just start writing. | ||
| Just start writing and then we'll see what happens. | ||
| Because there's things that come out when you're doing that. | ||
| Because it makes you put yourself in a place, right? | ||
| It comes out everywhere. | ||
| Comedy will come out when you're driving your car. | ||
| You'll have an idea and you'll have to write it down. | ||
| But when you actually force yourself to sit down and think about things, it's not always that it works. | ||
| But you actually put the time in. | ||
| Yeah, I got a new bit right now, man, that I am so fucking happy with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh my god, it's destroying. | ||
| And it's something that I wrote. | ||
| I wrote on a plane. | ||
| And it came to me, it's one of the rare moments where it came to me with almost too much stuff. | ||
| There's too many punchlines. | ||
| It's just too killer. | ||
| There's just too much. | ||
| It's this subject that I'm really pissed off about. | ||
| And so it's like a ten minute subject. | ||
| And I just have to keep remembering it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, nice. | |
| It's brand new. | ||
| But it's like, and there's this one! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And then this one! | ||
| Bang! | ||
| It's like I've got this new, which to me is even more fun than a bit. | ||
| Because you're excited about it. | ||
| That's why they kill the most. | ||
| Because I really feel great about it. | ||
| There's no acting in me at all. | ||
| It's all pure emotion. | ||
| It's pure emotion. | ||
| And it's right. | ||
| It's on something. | ||
| Something that's got something to it. | ||
| something Bill Burr told him about writing new material. | ||
| And he was like, how do you write that long? | ||
| And he broke it down to like five minutes a month, which always embarrasses everybody. | ||
| But then he was like, where do you come up with stuff? | ||
| He goes, I don't know. | ||
| What do you care about? | ||
| And you're like, yeah, that's it. | ||
| Just what do you care about? | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| What's on your mind? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| You get traffic? | ||
| What do you care about lately? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The fucking line at this place, or bad foods you're supposed to eat, or not supposed to eat, or just whatever. | ||
| Right, and you've got to be paying enough attention to actually care about something. | ||
| Yeah, and that's what's interesting. | ||
| What's interesting is always where... | ||
| But it could just be about the way your sheets bunch up on you. | ||
| If that's what really makes you angry, or happy, or whatever, then that's what you care about. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, you have to be really interesting. | ||
| Yeah, you have to be really into that. | ||
| I'd way rather hear about comedy. | ||
| But like Jim Gaffigan can make bacon funny. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| For like a while. | ||
| Jim Gaffigan can make sheets funny too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, no, for him, it's just not for me or for you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It wouldn't work. | ||
| But yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's what defines you, makes you interesting or not. | ||
| It's like, what kind of things are interesting to you? | ||
| These are the things that are on my mind. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, son. | ||
| Stand-up comedy. | ||
| Ari Shafir, Cap City Comedy Club, this September what? | ||
| What are the days? | ||
| It's the 12th through the 15th. | ||
| Keep it together, motherfuckers. | ||
| Man. | ||
| It's a dark road out there, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| But we're all on it. | ||
| It's not even dark. | ||
| It's actually pretty awesome. | ||
| If you lived in the 1500s. | ||
| Indianapolis, Corpus Christi, Dallas. | ||
| And somebody could transport you to today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Portland. | |
| You'd think you're living in a fucking dream. | ||
| Oh yeah, it'd be totally different. | ||
| High-dice, bitches. | ||
| Medicine. | ||
| How about just penicillin? | ||
| How about when you have sex with a dirty prostitute, you don't die? | ||
| Wouldn't that be sweet? | ||
| Wouldn't that be sweet if you just didn't die? | ||
| Yeah, one day you'll catch gonorrhea and instead of having to jab that thing in you... | ||
| Just go get gum. | ||
| Get gonorrhea gum. | ||
| They rave the wand over you like Star Trek? | ||
| It'll be an app on your cell phone. | ||
| You stick your cell phone near your dick and it'll cure it. | ||
| It'll zap it. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| We live in the best fucking time ever and everyone's depressed. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because look at our future. | ||
| This fucking Mitt Romney guy. | ||
| He's going to win too. | ||
| White people are angry. | ||
| You think Mitt Romney's going to win? | ||
| That's how the play's supposed to play out. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Corporations win. | ||
| No matter who's in place. | ||
| That's the only reason why going is ridiculous. | ||
| Corporations win. | ||
| Corporations are winning. | ||
| What really matters, man, is state and local elections. | ||
| And your friends. | ||
| And people you care about. | ||
| And what you do for a living, you dirty, dirty bitches. | ||
| Enjoy yourselves. | ||
| Because you're not going to make a big difference in the fucking legal system. | ||
| Well, even if you do, you're still just a person. | ||
| Yeah, you're just one dude. | ||
| And you'll be dead and gone forever. | ||
| So enjoy it while you're here. | ||
| The only way we can make a difference is... | ||
| Talking about shit and having a new generation of people who don't grow up to become the cunts that the people that are running this country are. | ||
| That's the only way. | ||
| It's the only way. | ||
| So by this conversation, by this podcast alone, you can influence the youth, R Shafir, and set them in a good direction. | ||
| I should also influence you on Yom Kippur. | ||
| Please get my album, Revenge for the Holocaust. | ||
| What a perfect time to launch a comedy album with you as a spider with a star of David. | ||
| Juice fighter, fighting Hitler. | ||
| Killing Hitler. | ||
| And that's going to be available on iTunes and AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| Is that still your website or AriTheGreat.com? | ||
| They're both there, same site. | ||
| You go to the same thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like AriTheGreat, though. | ||
| It's a cool thing to write. | ||
| But yeah, I'm sending you four MP3s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me? | |
| Anybody who goes on my website and wants them. | ||
| Well, go to Ari Safir's website, AriTheGreat.com, and get yourself some fucking mp3s and some solid goddamn stand-up comedy for one of the best in the country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've seen them develop from a goddamn comedy face to a real professional. | |
| Do you feel fatherly like that at all? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| I'm happy as a friend, though. | ||
| I think it's awesome as fuck. | ||
| I asked my rabbis about this. | ||
| When you come to Israel and then people start to get more religious, do you feel like you've accomplished something? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, you do. | ||
| He's like, you helped build something. | ||
| Well, I definitely am happy when I'm around comedians and I give them advice and they get better. | ||
| But not everybody listens. | ||
| You listen better than anybody that ever took on the road with me. | ||
| If I would tell you, I'm like, you got too many words in that, man. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| And you would just go sharpened up and think about it and redo things. | ||
| You know, people have told me things that I didn't want to hear, and some of them I fought, and some of them I listened to, and some of them were uncomfortable. | ||
| But ultimately, people, especially in the beginning, can point things out to you. | ||
| It's up to you whether or not you can see them and listen and accept it. | ||
| Somebody told me that. | ||
| I was looking down the whole time. | ||
| Mark Madison told me that. | ||
| I used to do that too. | ||
| Look up. | ||
| You're talking to the crowd. | ||
| I was like, oh yeah. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| Just little things. | ||
| I'm like, maybe you're right. | ||
| Instead of, fuck you. | ||
| You don't know what they're talking about. | ||
| I looked down way too much. | ||
| For a long time. | ||
| I did it for years. | ||
| Just think, what if it's not good or bad that you do that? | ||
| That you were wrong in the past? | ||
| What if it's just you can improve? | ||
| Just do it like that. | ||
| But you were really good at listening. | ||
| You were really good at changing, too. | ||
| Taking chances. | ||
| That's why you're still producing constant new material. | ||
| If there's anything that always bugs us about someone that we know, it's a guy who's got the same jokes for 10 years. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| It's like, man, you don't have anything new to say? | ||
| You've got to have some new shit, man. | ||
| You've got to have some new shit. | ||
| Dice, that's the reason I shaved my beard. | ||
| Because Dice was the last straw. | ||
| He was like, shave your beard. | ||
| I was like, for your act. | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| And then I was like, instead of like, you're a doofus dice, like he always is, I was like, if Andrew Dice Clay, the legend of Andrew Dice Clay is telling me that it's good for my act, I'm like, hey, why? | ||
| And he goes, you're expressive and people can't see your expressions. | ||
| And I was like, it's gone. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| I don't want to stop that. | ||
| But you look like a crazy dirtbag with a crazy beard, and I think that might be worth more. | ||
| That might be nice also. | ||
| That might be worth more. | ||
| You can see my expressions. | ||
| The whole beard moves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I don't think Dice gets that bearded, dirtbag look. | |
| You definitely look younger. | ||
| Isn't it weird? | ||
| You look younger. | ||
| Everybody always says that when you shave your beard, you look younger, but you really do. | ||
| For whatever reason, it's more innocent. | ||
| Oh, babies are crying. | ||
| Shit's going on. | ||
| Alright, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow we will join Freeway Ricky Ross, the real Rick Ross. | ||
| He's joining us again on the podcast. | ||
| That's the fake Rick Ross. | ||
| Yeah, you got the real one. | ||
| We got the real one. | ||
| The guy who this guy pretends to be. | ||
| The guy who went to jail for selling cocaine. | ||
| The guy whose cocaine sales funded the Conchas versus the Sandinistas in Nicaragua. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's the whole Ollie North thing. | ||
| They were funneling, they were selling drugs. | ||
| To raise money for it? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Like having a bake sale? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But with Coke? | ||
| With Coke. | ||
| So they would get the Coke. | ||
| Bravo, America! | ||
| Way to think outside the box. | ||
| They would get the coke to the poor communities. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| And everybody wins! | ||
| Everybody wins! | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Then we all go dancing. | ||
| So this guy got out of jail and there's a rapper that's got his name. | ||
| I mean, his name is Rick Ross. | ||
| Freeway Rick Ross. | ||
| He was known as being this huge... | ||
| I mean, I remember... | ||
| You can ask me if he killed anybody ever? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're never going to. | ||
| Disrespectful. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I wouldn't do that. | ||
| The guy has been in the, you know, he was in the drug trade for years, got all over the news. | ||
| I mean, it was like a big deal. | ||
| It's like one of those things like when rappers call themselves Capone, you know, like Matt Capone. | ||
| Is he the one that was on Time Magazine with like drugs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think so. | |
| Like holding him up? | ||
| That's when the government was like, go after that guy. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I don't think that's the case. | ||
| He was trying to stay as low-key as possible, but he got busted. | ||
| But the story is just insane. | ||
| He's got a rapper. | ||
| He's out. | ||
| He's out and free, and there's a rapper out there. | ||
| With his name. | ||
| Yeah, and so he's trying to sue the rapper. | ||
| Not just the same name. | ||
| It's my personality you're taking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, not only was it even crazier, the rapper used to be a corrections officer. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was a prison guard, which is really nutty. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, the whole thing is crazy. | ||
| He's building his albums like the greatest thing of all time. | ||
| He's on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. | ||
| Look around right there, right behind you. | ||
| Look at that Rolling Stone. | ||
| You see that Rolling Stone? | ||
| That's him, man. | ||
| I bought that Rolling Stone just for the real Rick Ross, because to talk about it... | ||
| He's got tattoos of Abraham Lincoln from the Dollarville, from the Five, and George Washington from the One. | ||
| Yeah, that's a new thing that black dudes are doing, is they're covering their whole bodies with tattoos. | ||
| Tripoli says it, and I agree. | ||
| Black dudes look better in tats. | ||
| But this is a weird thing. | ||
| It goes with the skin better. | ||
| The rapper thing where they cover everything, and they cover their face. | ||
| Down at the back of his palm. | ||
| All tatted up. | ||
| It's got a weed leaf on it. | ||
| But that didn't exist before. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| You go back to the Superfly days. | ||
| It's because they have to keep outdoing each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I did a joke that never was able to work, but it's like every fucking grandmother has a tattoo now. | ||
| It's not a big deal. | ||
| So now what we're going to have to do is go to the next stage, which is what the ear things, you know, the ear things they push out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so then that's going to become blasé, and then we're going to have to do the plates that the African people had in their necks. | ||
| We're going to see that in our lifetime, so we're going to have the plates. | ||
| Black dudes are like, especially famous dudes, are doing a lot of face tattoos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of stars and shit. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm not going to have a regular job. | ||
| One dude got an ice cream cone on his face. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| Some rapper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not a white thing. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, you could. | ||
| You could. | ||
| There was a guy, a bodybuilder that I saw at the airport that had a whole face tattoo. | ||
| He had a Tyson thing. | ||
| One of those New Zealand Tyson tattoo things. | ||
| Seguri did a great joke about it. | ||
| He was like, if you've got a face tattoo... | ||
| Because you want no interaction with any other human forever. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| Yeah, it's obvious. | ||
| You want to scare everyone you come in contact with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, isn't it weird? | ||
| We have certain spots in our body that mean certain things. | ||
| If you start tattooing your face... | ||
| We've all agreed. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're getting nutty, son. | ||
| But over here on the wrist, that's okay. | ||
| Oh, that's nothing. | ||
| That's cute. | ||
| The ankle is cute. | ||
| It's sweet. | ||
| You know, the chain link around the bicep? | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| Chain link, you can't get in these ribs. | ||
| Yo, bro, that shit's solid steel, dog. | ||
| Yeah, barbed wire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Solid steel, dog. | |
| AriTheGreat.com, you dirty bitches. | ||
| Follow Ari on Twitter, Ari Shafir, with two Fs. | ||
| That's A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Good luck with the CD. Thanks. | ||
| I got like 10 weeks on the road coming up. | ||
| Check my website for all of them. | ||
| When are you leaving? | ||
| When are you leaving for the road? | ||
| I got a wedding this weekend, but the next one is the 12th or the 14th. | ||
| Are you gone weeks at a time? | ||
| Are you going to do that thing? | ||
| I'm doing it once. | ||
| I'm doing Toronto and then straight to Indianapolis. | ||
| That's a 10-day run, but the rest of them are all back for a day or two. | ||
| See if you can come in right before Toronto. | ||
| Are you going to be here at all? | ||
| Yeah, right before Toronto. | ||
| I got three days before that. | ||
| Let's do that. | ||
| Let's do another one. | ||
| Let's do another podcast because that's right before. | ||
| And by the way, I'll have my studio up and running by then. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| At least the beginnings of it. | ||
| Any input you got on Twitter, anybody who knows anything about building a studio because I got a dope-ass office space now. | ||
| I'm ready to fucking... | ||
| I want to see it. | ||
| Oh, it's going to be killer, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awesome. | |
| Maybe that's Tuesday after Punch Drunk. | ||
| I can't wait to have like a, it's going to be like a Ravenite social club sort of a thing. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| The way you said it, like have loungy places and have beers and a fridge. | ||
| I'm going to have a pool table there, a couch, big screen TV. I'm going to have a real cool spot. | ||
| And then I'm going to have the studio, like where everybody sits down, as comfortable as possible. | ||
| I think we've figured it out now. | ||
| I think in doing the Ice House studio and doing this studio and doing Duncan's setup and doing my old setup, we know what you need. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It's like the way they brought Todd Glass in to tell him how to build helium or different clubs. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's like, no, I know what's necessary. | ||
| Please trust me. | ||
| I've been through it. | ||
| Comfort. | ||
| Good sound. | ||
| And you can't have loungy chairs. | ||
| You've got to have office chairs. | ||
| Yeah, too far back. | ||
| These are the kind of chairs. | ||
| And these microphones are real good, but the better ones are these other ones that I've got here. | ||
| Shores. | ||
| Shores are less directional. | ||
| This has too much of a sweet spot. | ||
| And then there's another one that Don Imus uses. | ||
| This thing right here? | ||
| I'm going to try these next. | ||
| And these are the ones we have at the Ice House. | ||
| But I'm also going to try... | ||
| There's ones that I saw on the Don Imich show. | ||
| I forget the names of them. | ||
| But they are supposed to be the best for that kind of shit for radio. | ||
| And you don't have to put a windscreen over them. | ||
| And maybe you get a clearer sound. | ||
| Some people don't like the windscreen because it's like it gives you a little bit of a filtered sound. | ||
| Like Kevin Smith. | ||
| He takes the windscreen off when he came over here. | ||
| And he doesn't get that other... | ||
| No, he knows how to do it. | ||
| He knows how to manage it, but he just feels like it's really him that way. | ||
| Otherwise, this is like a muted... | ||
| I don't like the headphones sometimes. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Well, one, they hurt my ears when I have my glasses on. | ||
| So do you hear a difference between this and this? | ||
| Is there a difference? | ||
| Yeah, there's a total difference. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there's a difference. | |
| That sounds better, actually. | ||
| Sounds clear. | ||
| God damn it, these fucking stupid condoms. | ||
| You know why I got these? | ||
| Say Pete Piper, Pats of Piper, whatever. | ||
| Say something like that. | ||
| With a lot of P's or T's in it. | ||
| Peter Piper packed to pickled peppers. | ||
| Yeah, it sounds better. | ||
| It's a little pop, but not much. | ||
| But it sounds like a real person, right? | ||
| The mic you use on stage doesn't have windscreens. | ||
| Sometimes they do. | ||
| But those aren't good. | ||
| Yeah, this sucks. | ||
| Windscreens suck. | ||
| Maren told you to get something? | ||
| He probably told you to get the second best thing. | ||
| Probably held back whatever the first best thing was. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| He was very, very nice about it. | ||
| I want no part of this. | ||
| He was very forthcoming. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| Maren and I have friends now. | ||
| I saw him. | ||
| I gave him a hug. | ||
| Me and Bert saw him last night at the UCB. Bert said it. | ||
| He goes, if Marc Maron is the nicest person there, something's wrong. | ||
| There's an attitude going on. | ||
| Yeah, everybody says that about the UCB. I don't go there. | ||
| I don't know how much perceived. | ||
| I've been there before. | ||
| But I remember reading something somewhere where it was like a forum blog or something like that, or a forum post where someone said, why is Joe Rogan at the UCB? Oh yeah, we did that once. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Matt put it together and it was just like a good show. | ||
| That's not what I mean. | ||
| It's so weird that there's a type. | ||
| When they know about this type goes here and that type goes there. | ||
| Dude, there's a lot of overlap. | ||
| Bordy Stevens is everywhere. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It's just so silly. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, people were surprised. | ||
| Ian Edwards really broke it down to me. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I met him, I was opening for Pauly, doing that sketch movie. | ||
| That hurts, just hearing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Take your condom off after service. | ||
| To feel dirty. | ||
| That comics, Natural Born Comics, whatever that video was. | ||
| Take that thing off. | ||
| Oh, I'll take the condom off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's better. | ||
| And you can see where you have to talk into, too. | ||
| But I saw him, and he did the Orlando Improv and the Miami Improv. | ||
| Mainstream clubs. | ||
| And he was very funny at those clubs. | ||
| And then I heard he was going to the UCB on their big alternative night. | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| You're performing there? | ||
| He goes, I do all the time. | ||
| I didn't know he'd come from New York. | ||
| He'd been there forever. | ||
| And I'm like, what kind of material did he do in front of those people? | ||
| And he stopped and he goes, dude, crowds is crowds. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| For the most part. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| A lot of people, they do get a little elitist if they get used to going to that kind of a place. | ||
| Yeah, but there's also crowds don't know. | ||
| If they figure if you're there, you're supposed to be there. | ||
| And they'll be like, cool, we'll laugh. | ||
| They don't really give a shit. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know why anybody would restrict themselves to one type of comedy. | ||
| I've always been a fan. | ||
| I mean, I think anybody who knows this podcast knows that I'm a fan of some pretty crazy science and extraordinary ideas when it comes to quantum physics and the nature of the universe and nature of reality. | ||
| I like a lot of pretty heady, twisted up, deep shit about just the very nature of matter itself. | ||
| But I love stupid comedy. | ||
| It's It's fun. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| My first MC week for this guy, Brett Leak. | ||
| Do you remember him? | ||
| Brett Leak. | ||
| I remember the name. | ||
| He had muscular dystrophy and then it got worse and worse. | ||
| He was a killer observational comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Did Tonight Show probably 10, 15 times. | ||
| But he said it was him and then some lady who did relationship comedy in the middle and then me being filthy MCing. | ||
| And he goes, I like a different kind of show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a DC improv. | ||
| And he goes, I like three different people so nobody overlaps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I agree, man. | ||
| I'm not into the same kind of comedy all the time. | ||
| I like a Mitch Hedberg. | ||
| He was like squeaky clean. | ||
| Hedberg? | ||
| Yeah, squeaky clean. | ||
| Yeah, I guess he was, huh? | ||
| And then I like Joey Diaz. | ||
| Was Hedberg really clean? | ||
| Yeah, I guess he was. | ||
| And I like Joey Diaz talking about pinching a foil out of some girl's asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's bagging her in the ass and he felt foil at the tip of his dick. | ||
| So he reached in with his fingers, pulled it out, pulled it out of his desk and put his dick back in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's just the craziest motherfucker of all time. | ||
| Every time I'm with him, I just have this big smile. | ||
| Like, I can't believe this guy's my friend. | ||
| He gets you going. | ||
| Oh, this is what Bert said. | ||
| So he's meeting him for coffee? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he goes, other people come up. | ||
| And he goes, I think he just sits there all day long and has people come meet him. | ||
| And just throughout the day, he just sits like an old Italian guy. | ||
| Who was it that he met? | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Met who? | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Oh, where? | ||
| In the valley somewhere, in NoHo. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| No, Joey can't sit still for very long. | ||
| He's got shit to do. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| He might have done it for a few hours. | ||
| But he takes his phone calls, and he fucking, not texts. | ||
| He doesn't text, but he calls. | ||
| He wants you doing okay. | ||
| The one-minute phone calls he's a king of. | ||
| He's a legit businessman, though. | ||
| You've got to think about that now. | ||
| Joey's got real money. | ||
| He's doing great on the road. | ||
| Joey is killing them on the road. | ||
| He convinced me to put that last Storyteller show online. | ||
| Just put two dollars, just throw it up. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Seeing him get to number one on iTunes was fucking incredible. | ||
| He sold like 35-40,000 copies of that CD just for himself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And by the way, he's selling these testicle testaments. | ||
| He's selling these other things on iTunes, which are fucking fantastic. | ||
| He does a new hour and a half to two hours of story on something every month. | ||
| And they're fucking tremendous. | ||
| And they're great if you're in your car and you're driving to work or something like that. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Slap one of those on. | ||
| You'll just have a big stupid smile on your face. | ||
| It's half hilarious and half really deep shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's awesome. | ||
| Listen, we're lucky, man. | ||
| We're lucky we know a lot of comedians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We are, for sure. | ||
| Where are you at this weekend? | ||
| I'm at a wedding. | ||
| Oh, poor pastor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cape Cod. | |
| I'm at the comedy store in the factory on Friday. | ||
| Cape Cod, Massachusetts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Somebody made you go across the country for their stupid fucking voodoo ceremony? | ||
| Yeah, I know the bride and the groom, but yeah, I felt bad about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus! | |
| Are you going to bring breast strips? | ||
| No, I'm going to bring marijuana. | ||
| A lot of marijuana? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I told them, too. | ||
| I was like, you know I've got to be on drugs on there. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They knew it? | ||
| It's casual. | ||
| They knew you were going to be high? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to have an edible? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Not super strong. | ||
| I don't want to get bonkers. | ||
| You don't want to get social anxiety? | ||
| But I don't want to fucking, yeah, have the social anxiety. | ||
| No, if I don't go on something, I'll have it. | ||
| Yeah, you want to be high enough where it's cute. | ||
| I can relax. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Be like, aw, this is sweet. | ||
| They're getting married. | ||
| Maybe I'll cry when they say they're... | ||
| I'm a romantic. | ||
| Even though I'm believing that shit, I'm still like, something tugs at me when I see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once in your life, you'll find out. | |
| Yeah, no, you are, man. | ||
| You're a sweetie. | ||
| I've seen you with chicks, too. | ||
| You're a very affectionate guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| A lot of people would think that Ari Shafir's got a cold heart. | ||
| I'm not an old dick. | ||
| It's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just been patted around a few times, and he's a little bruised on the outside, deep inside. | |
| Somebody asked me this recently. | ||
| They're like, who hurt you? | ||
| And I'm like, all of them! | ||
| Every one of them. | ||
| Is that what you want to hear? | ||
| They all made me who I am. | ||
| Okay, write that down and say that on stage. | ||
| That's very important. | ||
| You need to write that down. | ||
| Somebody remind me. | ||
| That's a bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll get off this fucking podcast. | ||
| I carry notebooks now. | ||
| Write that down. | ||
| Write that down. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Who hurt you? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Are you happy? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| All right, you fucking dirty freaks. | ||
| Tomorrow, the real Rick Ross and Brian Redband will return as well. | ||
| Revenge for the Holocaust, September 25th. | ||
| Buy that shit. | ||
| You know what to do, you freaks. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| How much is it? | ||
| $7.99. | ||
| Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| On iTunes. | ||
| Go buy that shit. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| The fucking show's over, you freaks. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| Oh, thank you, man. | ||
| Always good time, man. | ||
| Thanks to Ting.com for opening us up. | ||
| Ting. | ||
| Yeah, sorry, Ting. | ||
| We kind of fucked you. | ||
| I will tell you this. | ||
| I'll help make it up. | ||
| I will give serious thought to Ting. | ||
| I'm done with my fucking Verizon contract now, and I was waiting for the new iPhone to come out, but if I can get one of those Samsungs before they go off the market, Yeah, get this before Apple fucks them. | ||
| Because they're going to. | ||
| This thing is the shit, man. | ||
| It's really huge. | ||
| I'm enjoying the size. | ||
| But it's thinner than the iPhone. | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely thinner. | ||
| It's definitely thinner this way. | ||
| It's just wider. | ||
| I don't know anything about it, like battery life or anything yet. | ||
| You just got it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm totally talking out of my ass. | ||
| Right now, I'm just like... | ||
| I've done nothing. | ||
| Go take your piss, son. | ||
| I haven't done nothing where I could tell you that this is an awesome device. | ||
| But it looks dope as fuck. | ||
| Alright, folks. | ||
| So go to rogan.ting.com and when you go there and you sign up, you'll get a $50 credit towards a new device. | ||
| And... | ||
| Like I said, we're only supporting things on this show that we 100% believe in. | ||
| Whether it's going to deathsquad.tv and buying t-shirts to support Brian Redman and the podcast network. | ||
| Whether it's to go to ting.com and support them. | ||
| Ting is a company and we believe in their philosophy and we're behind it. | ||
| Onnit.com, we're behind them, 100%. | ||
| I'm a part owner in Onnit because I love the philosophy behind the organization, and I love what the idea of selling things that I buy and things that I absolutely 100% enjoy and benefit from, like Alpha Brain and Shroom Tech and New Mood and Hemp Force Protein Powder, which is my favorite protein powder on Earth, and kettlebells and battle robes, which you know I do all day because I'm manly as fuck. | ||
| So go to Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. And if you use the code name ROGAN, you will get 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| So go to deskwad.tv. | ||
| Go buy yourself some fucking shirts. | ||
| Go to hireprimate.com if you want. | ||
| Hire-primate.com. | ||
| That's my t-shirt company. | ||
| And I have a bunch of different t-shirts, including a Joey Diaz. | ||
| If you're not high by 2 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon, go fuck yourself t-shirt. | ||
| That's available at Onnit. | ||
| We just restocked. | ||
| And that money, of course, goes to a big part of it, to the great one, Joe Diaz. | ||
| So your support, Joe Diaz. | ||
| Can we get a Worst of the Whites t-shirt? | ||
| Worst of the whites? | ||
| Yeah, that's for you. | ||
| That should be. | ||
| Who would you say? | ||
| The Italians were the worst of the whites? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Persians? | ||
| Armenians, Persians. | ||
| Armenians, the worst of the whites. | ||
| I don't think you want to make that in a t-shirt form. | ||
| Armenians will fuck you up, man. | ||
| I love Armenians, man. | ||
| They will fuck you up. | ||
| Those are wild people. | ||
| Yeah, you need a better saying. | ||
| Yeah, but for you, yeah, we definitely should put out an Ari Shaffir t-shirt. | ||
| What it should be if you could have an Ari Shaffir t-shirt. | ||
| You must have said something fucked up. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| People contact us on Twitter. | ||
| Tell us the most fucked up thing. | ||
| Because sometimes people put things like in message board posts, in quotes, or on Twitter, in quotes. | ||
| And you're like, whoa. | ||
| What was the context of that? | ||
| I write people. | ||
| What was the context? | ||
| What was that about? | ||
| We appreciate the fuck out of it. | ||
| I say this all the time, but I only say it because it's 100% true. | ||
| The thing that I'm most blown away by is the amount of fucking cool people that we meet at these shows. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I don't know how it all happened, but I do know that we're truly, truly thankful. | ||
| Yeah, you've got a lot of cool people. | ||
| I want to say humbled by it, but it is the word. | ||
| It's like, whoa. | ||
| Everywhere we go, everybody says the same thing. | ||
| These are the nicest crowds, the most generous crowds. | ||
| They always tip well. | ||
| They drink well and tip well. | ||
| Look, we're happy as fuck that we're connecting with you guys like that. | ||
| And then every message that I get where people say, hey man, because of you, I started drinking kale shakes in the morning. | ||
| I lost 50 pounds. | ||
| I'm working out for the first time. | ||
| Sometimes it's just overcoming the drive to not change. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And once you overcome it, you're like, oh, what was I resisting? | ||
| Yeah, what am I resisting? | ||
| And it's also having people in this conversation, they tune in and they're a part of it. | ||
| Even though they're not saying anything, they might be saying something in their car. | ||
| They're like, yeah, fucking that fucking bitch. | ||
| That guy's an asshole! | ||
| There's a lot of people who live in a town of 2,000 and there's four cool people there. | ||
| And they tune into this and say, oh, fine, someone else is out there like this. | ||
| We recognize that this is an important part of your life. | ||
| This fucking show will always remain free. | ||
| This show will always remain completely uncensored. | ||
| If I tell you something, it's because I believe it, even if I'm wrong. | ||
| I believe that shit. | ||
| Go to the Lobero Theater this Saturday night, or this Friday night in Santa Barbara. | ||
| Duncan Trussell just added to the show. | ||
| We are so not fucking around. | ||
| That is the Lobero Theater in Santa Barbara. | ||
| Someone's calling me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who the fuck? | |
| Who the fuck is calling me? | ||
| Bob Fisher from the Ice House. | ||
| Powerful Ice House. | ||
| So that's it, folks. | ||
| We will see you tomorrow from the Ice House, ironically, with the real Rick Ross. | ||
| Onnit.com, use the codename Rogan. | ||
| And by the way, you guys, the way you give back to us is by coming to our shows. | ||
| Yeah, listen, we love that. | ||
| That's the biggest payback we can ever get. | ||
| And, by the way, quite honestly, that's a nice absolute benefit. | ||
| The biggest benefit for True is knowing that people are enjoying it. | ||
| When I run into people, even that don't come to my shows, if I run into them at the mall or something like that, and they're like, dude, I'm a huge podcast fan, that makes me feel fucking great. | ||
| If I'm doing something and you're enjoying it, I'm happy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how I believe life should be. | ||
| Alright, you fucking freaks? | ||
| This show's over. | ||
| Peace, love, and mushrooms. | ||
| Peace, love, mushrooms. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| I don't even have any... | ||
| We're bad at going out, right? | ||
| I don't even have any controversial... | ||
| I don't have any controversial sponsors anymore. | ||
| I just want to end these things. | ||
| Invade Argentina. | ||
| Argentina's filled with nice people. | ||
| The fuck, man? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm trying to say something. | ||
| Listen, you freaks. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| We love the shit out of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright? |
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