Sept. 4, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:53:43
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Meow. | |
| You dirty bitches. | ||
| That's my new song. | ||
| You dirty bitches. | ||
| Dirty bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need a little more rhythm to pull it off. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience podcast today, Tuesday, September 4th, 2012. Griselda Blanco is dead. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| They got that Griselda Blanco lady. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| She's the cocaine cowboys lady. | ||
| I still have not seen that. | ||
| We should talk about this. | ||
| We'll talk about this later. | ||
| I gotta do a commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
General Experience Podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. | |
| That's O-N-N-I-T. What is Onnit? | ||
| Onnit's a supplement company. | ||
| We make alpha brain and a bunch of shit that I talk about on the podcast all the time. | ||
| The one thing I can tell you is everything that we sell at Onnit.com is all stuff that I've used, I believe in, I endorse. | ||
| I wouldn't get behind anything that wasn't legit. | ||
| And the fascinating thing to me about AlphaBrain is that all the information from nootropics, if you're interested in the subject of nootropics, which is nutrients that have been shown to have a positive effect on human neurochemistry. | ||
| The idea is that your brain produces more juice. | ||
| You have more ability to string together sentences. | ||
| You have... | ||
| More neurotransmitters. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| That shit goes away with time. | ||
| Your endorphin receptacles and all that stuff, it starts to die away. | ||
| Everything does. | ||
| We're going down, Greg. | ||
| We need some juice. | ||
| We're going down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What I've found is that I benefit greatly from, I take a lot of vitamins, and I take a lot of really what I believe are very effective supplements, and I eat a lot of really good food. | ||
| You've got to be healthy, because if you don't, this motherfucker will fail on you. | ||
| It will fall apart, you'll crash into the rocks, like you've got to keep it together, bitches. | ||
| And that is what Onnit is all about. | ||
| The company is basically set up, everything we sell is stuff that will improve you. | ||
| The strength and fitness equipment, kettlebells and battle ropes is like the best way you could ever work out. | ||
| If you want to develop functional strength that directly translates into any athletic endeavor, kettlebells and battle ropes are fantastic. | ||
| Battle ropes are these giant fucking ropes and you flail them through the air and you do it for like sprints of 30 seconds and oh it's brutal. | ||
| So those and kettlebells, they will last you to the end of time. | ||
| The battle ropes, you can't get them any cheaper than you can get it at onit.com. | ||
| And the kettlebells, as cheap as you can humanly sell them, we're sending cannonballs through the mail. | ||
| It's not that easy. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, that's what we're sending. | ||
| Some of them are 90 pounds. | ||
| We're sending a 90-pound fucking cannonball through the mail. | ||
| That shit is expensive as fuck. | ||
| And just like AlphaBrain, if you want to take the ropes and make them yourself, go get a bunch of ropes. | ||
| It's really expensive. | ||
| You'd be amazed. | ||
| Those really big, thick, heavy ropes, those are expensive as fuck. | ||
| They don't sell that shit at Target. | ||
| You can get them, though. | ||
| You can go to nautical stores. | ||
| I just don't think they usually sell them in tank sizes. | ||
| It's probably hard to get, but you can definitely get it. | ||
| I mean, we got it. | ||
| It's just a big, heavy rope. | ||
| If you can make your own, make your own. | ||
| If you've got some extra giant rope laying around, you can probably do it with chains, too, if you want to go fucking crazy Rampage Jackson style. | ||
| Or like 17,000 tennis shoes. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, the idea is that you're using your whole body in a whipping effect. | ||
| Shoelaces. | ||
| The amount of wind it takes to work out and do these 30-second sprints, 20 seconds off, and then 30-second sprints. | ||
| That's like this protocol of different exercises you do with a battle. | ||
| It's fucking brutal, man. | ||
| It gets you tired like nothing you ever do outside of wrestling a man. | ||
| Not that you do any man wrestling. | ||
| I wrestled rope man once. | ||
| Rope man? | ||
| That was a fucking workout. | ||
| It's alive! | ||
| I wrestled my father off me off a waterbed when I was two. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| You're the only grown man that I know that still uses just kidding. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's the dumbest shit ever. | ||
| What's the thesaurus version of that? | ||
| Of just kidding? | ||
| Yeah, like, what's the adult version of that, like... | ||
| You don't have to say anything. | ||
| I know you're just kidding. | ||
| I know, but what's... | ||
| Is there an adult version? | ||
| You know what the original one was? | ||
| Nano. | ||
| Nano? | ||
| Yeah, me and my friends used to say that instead of, like, just kidding or not. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think it was from... | ||
| We were, like, you know, ten, nine... | ||
| Oh, I never heard that one. | ||
| That's way better. | ||
| Black people used to say it in my town. | ||
| They'd be like, non-no. | ||
| All right. | ||
| That's my new thing. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Go get yourself some fucking Kettlebell Sun. | ||
| Hemp protein powder. | ||
| We've got all kinds of groovy shit. | ||
| And it's all the supplements have a 30-day... | ||
| 30 pill, rather. | ||
| 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| If you don't feel like it enhances you and helps you... | ||
| Then you just say this stuff sucks and get your money back. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| You don't have to return the product. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN and you will save yourself 10% off, you dirty bitches. | ||
| Alright, Brian. | ||
| Cue the music. | ||
| Let's make it official. | ||
| Craig Fitzsimmons is here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast. | |
| Check it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Showing my day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | |
| All day! | ||
| And then that happens. | ||
| This is what happens every podcast. | ||
| You have these fucking awesome conversations. | ||
| You get rolling. | ||
| And then we play that music. | ||
| And all of a sudden, we've got to start from scratch again. | ||
| And we forget what we were just talking about that we were saving for the podcast. | ||
| What were we talking about? | ||
| We have a very inefficient way of starting the show. | ||
| And we've never analyzed it until this moment. | ||
| I've always thought the best... | ||
| Like, talk show, like, Tonight Show thing would be, as soon as the guests walk in the stage door backstage, they should just be getting filmed, and then play pieces of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because who gives a shit? | ||
| Once they sit down and they tee it up, it's like, I can tell you the end of George Clooney's story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His mom made cookies, and then she got hit on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boo! | |
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Who gives a fuck about your little pre-packaged dry ass story that you've done on four other talks? | ||
| You know how many talk shows now? | ||
| You see guys promoting a film. | ||
| There's this website that tells you all the late night shows guests for the next two weeks. | ||
| And you'll see like Paul Rudd. | ||
| Go fucking Daily Show, Tonight Show, Letterman, Conan, you know, and then start working your way down until you're on like Jimmy, what's the guy who does the late, late NBC show? | ||
| Jimmy Fallon? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, not Jimmy Fallon. | ||
| He does music. | ||
| He was on MTV. Not Jimmy. | ||
| Jimmy Storm! | ||
| Carson Daly. | ||
| Carson Daly. | ||
| Carson Daly is still on television for 10 years. | ||
| I like his taste. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I find a lot of weird, creepy bands and movies from that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Just because he's kind of like cutting-edge hipster. | ||
| There's a reason why he was on MTV Our Same Generation. | ||
| Now he's older, so he does give some cool taste of music once in a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you watch... | |
| When I catch it, I'm interested because he does pick little random cards out of the blue that maybe you haven't heard of, like music-wise at least, or movie-wise. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think he's bad. | ||
| I'd take him over Leno any day. | ||
| No, I never said he was bad. | ||
| Those things are fucking hard, man. | ||
| Those things are really hard to do. | ||
| It's really hard to do a talk show like that and be even remotely interesting. | ||
| It's so segmented. | ||
| It's like you never really get a chance to get rolling. | ||
| You're just trying to interject and say witty things in this really brief story. | ||
| It's like you barely get to know someone. | ||
| Under the idea of breaking it up for these long-ass commercials and you talk in between the break. | ||
| And then when we come back, it's so fake and hokey. | ||
| You remove yourself. | ||
| And the good guests just say, you know what I'm going to do? | ||
| He's going to introduce me, and I'm going to tell a great fucking story, and then we're going to go to commercial. | ||
| But if you try to fake that you're hanging out talking, that's torture. | ||
| Especially when you're using an Alienware computer, right, Joe? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's hard to do, man. | ||
| It's hard to do that job. | ||
| That's a really difficult job. | ||
| This is way easier. | ||
| It's way easier to do a podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because a podcast, you just start talking. | ||
| A show like that, you have to operate within this really narrow frame of time. | ||
| What if there's a really intense subject? | ||
| Something that is really controversial to you and the person that you're talking about it with. | ||
| Sometimes it might require a long time to delicately work through some weird subject. | ||
| Like if a guy comes on and he's talking about his wife just had an abortion or something. | ||
| That could do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no part two to that. | ||
| Well, you know, it's like there's certain things that when you're talking about it, you need some time. | ||
| You don't want to have to go, go to break in five. | ||
| You know, like, come on, really? | ||
| Okay, we'll be back. | ||
| And there's a tension because the host has to fill every second. | ||
| They get uncomfortable when the thing's not going well, so they jump in like some dysfunctional enabler. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The commercial ruins the conversation. | ||
| It ruins it. | ||
| It fucking kills it. | ||
| It's the death of it. | ||
| And the idea that you have to do a commercial at a certain time, like Opie and Anthony have commercials, but they just talk until they're done. | ||
| And then they go, alright, you guys want to take a break? | ||
| Let's take a break, play some commercials, we'll be right back. | ||
| And it's completely organic. | ||
| It's like you're watching separate shows. | ||
| You're watching one hour and a half show where they didn't go to commercial, and then another hour show where they didn't go to commercial, and then they'll go to commercial. | ||
| And also, you don't get the sense with Opie and Anthony or podcasts... | ||
| That we're talking the way two human beings talk. | ||
| There's a rhythm and there's a pace, and there's not high IQ moments every three seconds. | ||
| Like when you watch a monologue in an interview, you had 20 writers mapping every word. | ||
| So to me it's off-putting, and I think it is to a lot of Americans. | ||
| Sitcoms are the same way. | ||
| Human beings don't have conversations the way they do on sitcoms. | ||
| So that's why people started wanting reality TV. They were like, this shit makes me feel uncomfortable because it's not real. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's clumsy. | ||
| It's like the way the president talks to the people. | ||
| That's the same sort of thing. | ||
| It's the same sort of animal. | ||
| It's like seeing Gene Simmons on his show. | ||
| That just annoys the fuck out of me. | ||
| The fake stuff? | ||
| Because it's not only fake, it's just really dumb fake. | ||
| Like, he glued dildos to his hand. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| I have to believe that you glued a dildo to your hand. | ||
| It's so unfortunate. | ||
| But I guess he's just trying to keep doing it. | ||
| You know Bobby Lee, right? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Apparently he's talked about this. | ||
| I'm not outing him about this. | ||
| How many times have people had to say that statement in reference to a Bobby Lee story? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Disclaimer. | |
| Which, by the way, I love Bobby Lee. | ||
| Love Bobby Lee. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I mean, truly. | ||
| But you know why? | ||
| Because he's a broken toy and he knows it. | ||
| We all know it. | ||
| So you don't have to... | ||
| So that's why I'm telling this story. | ||
| And he's a sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| He is, but he goes on the road, he buys three bottles of Elmer's glue, and at night he pours it on his hands and then peels it off. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I heard that and I was like, I want to fucking do that. | ||
| Dude, you know those markers, the Crayola markers, you can bite off the end and then take out the ink out of it? | ||
| You put that in a glue overnight and it'll turn whatever color marker. | ||
| So you put it on your hand, you can make it like green Hulk hands so it looks like you're peeling off. | ||
| Nice tip for Halloween. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you should... | ||
| What are you, 12? | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you, man? | ||
| He's like a stoned Martha Stewart. | ||
| That's a late reaction, Joe. | ||
| He's got a hole in his brain, folks. | ||
| He took too much ecstasy. | ||
| He's like that commercial where they show the hole. | ||
| Do a 3D of his head. | ||
| God, can we just talk about how ecstasy is just so amazing? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It's got a hole in his brain. | ||
| It's such a truth serum. | ||
| Yeah, it's leaking. | ||
| It is a truth serum. | ||
| It really breaks apart your life in front of you, like, really accurately. | ||
| Like, it's really nice. | ||
| If you talk about... | ||
| I don't want to tell... | ||
| Don't do ecstasy, but in my opinion, like mushrooms... | ||
| That kind of helped me when I'm like, yeah, that's cool if walls look like butterflies and stuff. | ||
| Where ecstasy, almost like you just start talking about shit that's bugging you. | ||
| I was really angry the other day. | ||
| Why am I so angry? | ||
| Everything I'm saying is anger. | ||
| It really showed me immediately what was wrong with me at that point. | ||
| It was like a psychiatrist and a pill. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you done it much? | ||
| You've done it once or something? | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't do it, but it's amazing. | ||
| I did it a long time ago, but it wasn't good then. | ||
| Don't do it, but it's amazing. | ||
| It's apparently gotten a lot better. | ||
| Yeah, I had a positive experience. | ||
| I learned something from it, but I also realized that the physical toll is pretty substantial. | ||
| Your body takes a big hit. | ||
| Well, I fled a lot of 5-HTP and a lot of counter-fucking ecstasy, fix my brain juice and stuff. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| So I do it right. | ||
| I've never the next day felt shitty. | ||
| A lot of people wake up the next day and feel depressed. | ||
| I've never felt that. | ||
| Well, that was originally how Onnit was conceived. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Roll on and roll off. | ||
| Those were some of the first products. | ||
| And the idea being to help reboost your neurotransmitters after you go on a binge. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love that instead of us working towards people, you know, becoming sober, we work towards fixes, just like hangover juice. | ||
| Just adopt. | ||
| Don't change. | ||
| We just say it's too fun. | ||
| It's too fun to not indulge. | ||
| I like to experiment with my head, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Go on a liver cleanse or something. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Can you turn these down? | ||
| Turn you down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's going on here? | ||
| I feel like I'm at an ACDC concert, except it's you guys talking. | ||
| Better? | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Oh, he's on a different channel or something? | ||
| We all have our separate volume channel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| That sounds so deep. | ||
| We all have our own separate volumes. | ||
| Who did you have on last? | ||
| They probably turned it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember. | |
| Whoever it was probably had cum in your ears. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| How dare you, silly boy. | ||
| Yeah, that ecstasy is not good for you, boy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eventually it's going to rot your head out. | ||
| I literally do it once every like four months, something like that. | ||
| I don't do it like every week or something crazy. | ||
| But even once every four months, that's hitting it kind of hard. | ||
| Well, they say that it does fuck with your receptors, that you can't get happy. | ||
| It's like the same thing with opiates. | ||
| If you take them too much, you clog up the receptors, and the only thing that gets through is the drug. | ||
| That's why it's so hard to get off of those fucking pills. | ||
| If I can get in, it's brutal to get off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| I could easily stop and never do ecstasy again. | ||
| I've had several friends, several people that I knew and grew up with who became pill people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen it happen. | ||
| I've seen people lose everything. | ||
| See them lose their shit for pills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit's creepy. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Well, Artie went through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a weird thing. | |
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He went from taking the pills, because it's basically heroin. | ||
| It's the same makeup. | ||
| And then he didn't have pills one time at a club, and some happy little helpful doorman said, well, why don't you just snort some heroin? | ||
| I got some heroin. | ||
| And boom. | ||
| Over. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I had shoulder surgery a couple summers ago, and they gave me Vicodin way too easily. | ||
| My surgeon gave it to me, then my general practitioner gave it to me, and I had a supply going, and I took that shit for six months. | ||
| I was taking not a ton, maybe three, four a day, but it started to feel like when I didn't have one, I was not feeling good. | ||
| And then when I stopped, it was some fuck, those toughest two days of my life. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that the withdrawal is like almost... | ||
| Some people, they just can't take it. | ||
| It's like a torture and they just quit and they go back on the pills and say, you know, I just can't do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's terrifying how... | ||
| Easy it is to get them. | ||
| It's terrifying how quick people are to take painkillers. | ||
| I like drinking more than any of this. | ||
| I think that's just something that I can relax, have a few drinks, feel good. | ||
| But I never got into having cocaine. | ||
| It seems like that's just like once you do it once, the next day you wake up and you feel like, shit, I don't want to do that again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't get addiction of pills and I think that opiate thing is a totally different monkey. | ||
| I think once it grabs you, it just grabs you by the balls and just entwines itself with your system. | ||
| When you get that monkey on your back, that's a completely different experience, I think. | ||
| The opiate one... | ||
| Seems to be more of a intense physical experience. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| And I'll tell you what, I got a friend who's been doing it for five, six, seven years. | ||
| A very successful screenwriter. | ||
| Cannot write without it. | ||
| Because writing is scary. | ||
| And if you lose all your fear and you write with abandon, that's when you do good writing. | ||
| So he started taking them because it got him out of his writer's block. | ||
| But now you start taking it just to get normal. | ||
| That's when you're in trouble. | ||
| When you're not even getting high. | ||
| You're just trying to crawl back. | ||
| They're terrifying. | ||
| And people will call me a hypocrite because I smoke so much weed. | ||
| Hypocrite? | ||
| Hypocrite. | ||
| But I can stop... | ||
| And take a week off and I feel no physical effects. | ||
| Like I did recently. | ||
| I went to Hawaii. | ||
| I didn't get high for a week. | ||
| It didn't bother me even a little bit. | ||
| It's like there's no withdrawal effects. | ||
| There's nothing. | ||
| I don't think people understand that. | ||
| Some people think that there's some sort of a psychological withdrawal effect that some people go through. | ||
| And then there's people that their body just completely behaves differently than the normal person's body. | ||
| And they have much more of a proclivity towards addiction. | ||
| There's some people, apparently, that like any sort of a change in a state of consciousness... | ||
| Oh yeah, they can study the brain. | ||
| They can look at chemicals in the brain and see an addictive brain and the way it behaves. | ||
| It's very different. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| I mean, look, some people die from eating peanuts. | ||
| I would never say that my experience in taking anything is the same as yours. | ||
| So for some people, pop might just be... | ||
| This impossible ride into the depths of hell. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, and then immediately they're hooked on it. | ||
| Not to me, but to someone with some really funky, weird genetics. | ||
| Someone that can die from cranberries or some shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, one of those weird people. | ||
| No, I mean, addiction in my family. | ||
| I mean, my dad died at 51, basically, drinking and smoking and, you know, three and a half packs a day. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| I hate hearing that shit. | ||
| And aunts and uncles, everybody's got addiction. | ||
| So I quit drinking 21 years ago. | ||
| I was 25 years old when I quit drinking. | ||
| Dude, I remember. | ||
| I remember Greg pre and post. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was like, for me, it was like, I know I got it. | ||
| So the addiction shifts. | ||
| You go from one thing to the next. | ||
| And for me, it was drinking went to working. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Went to sex, and I really believe that... | ||
| I don't know what a sex addict is. | ||
| We all want to fuck all the time. | ||
| What's the line you cross between healthy libido and sex addict? | ||
| I dated one. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, and it was very unhealthy. | ||
| She did not leave the bed all day and just wanted to fuck or masturbate all day. | ||
| Well, some people are just trying to erase whatever is fucking with their head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're running. | ||
| Some horrible vision from their past, you know, terrified memories, molestation, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Some people are just trying to just rub that out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just, you know, they're just trying to masturbate to heighten their experience so they don't have to think about that for a brief moment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of people out there that were fucked with when they were kids. | ||
| I mean, it's a terrifying number. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I kind of get weary, too, when I see somebody who works way too hard and never lets up on themselves, I always think, you're fucking hiding from something. | ||
| You know, they're not... | ||
| No balance, no real relationships, just... | ||
| Yeah, people can definitely get crazy. | ||
| Well, it's hard because you get so focused on success, and then you're dealing with a bunch of other ruthless motherfuckers who are focused on success, so you have to up your game. | ||
| That's like the whole drive of modern man. | ||
| And people get way douchier that way. | ||
| It's like you're responding to competing against each other, and you all douche it out worse and worse. | ||
| There's a documentary called Happy. | ||
| You can get it on Netflix. | ||
| It's like a very academic, quantifiable look at happiness and how it transcends cultures. | ||
| They started out showing this guy in India who pulls a fucking rickshaw and he lives in a tent with his family. | ||
| It sounds fucking corny. | ||
| The dude's happy. | ||
| They followed him and they interviewed him and they say that 50% of your happiness Is just your wiring. | ||
| Here's your fucking DNA. Here's the juices in your body. | ||
| People like... | ||
| They showed a woman who'd been run over by a truck. | ||
| She was a beauty queen. | ||
| And her face is fucking mangled. | ||
| It's hard to look at her. | ||
| And she returned to her happiness level within a couple years. | ||
| Same thing with somebody who's depressed. | ||
| They can hit lotto. | ||
| Within a year, they've settled back at their baseline. | ||
| So that's half. | ||
| Then 20% is shit like status, career, money. | ||
| And then 30% is... | ||
| Shit like what you do, flow, getting into exercise, getting into martial arts, getting into, if you're a writer, getting lost in something, that's the other 30%. | ||
| So you have to strive to control that 30% by not letting the 20% get any bigger and giving yourself the room to, you know, have that balance. | ||
| And it seems like exercise is like the number one thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's a huge part. | ||
| You've got to keep your body alive. | ||
| You've got to keep it moving. | ||
| You've got to keep stressing it. | ||
| You've got to keep making it, keep regenerating. | ||
| You keep sending impulses into it, firing your hormonal system. | ||
| You've got to force yourself to work. | ||
| If you don't force your body to work, who wants to just give the fuck up? | ||
| Use it or lose it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they say the same thing I was saying before. | ||
| I heard about this in the documentary about how you're... | ||
| What are the chemicals that make you happy again? | ||
| Endorphins. | ||
| Yeah, your endorphin receptors start to dry out. | ||
| They start to die. | ||
| And the more you use them, the less they die. | ||
| So they say, try different activities. | ||
| Learn a new language. | ||
| Try a new sport. | ||
| Travel somewhere you haven't been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do ecstasy. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I could be part of it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't discount the idea of any really big psychedelic experience for helping you. | ||
| I've learned a lot about myself doing them. | ||
| In the regular one that I do, the isolation tank, just that, just getting high and getting that thing, it's mind-blowing enough. | ||
| I have some pretty intense visionary experiences doing that. | ||
| Do you remember them clearly? | ||
| Some of them I remember really clearly. | ||
| The one I've talked about before, it's so retarded. | ||
| But it really did happen. | ||
| I was in the jungle. | ||
| And I was walking through the jungle. | ||
| And there was a bunch of people. | ||
| We were barefoot. | ||
| And they were talking, and I knew their language. | ||
| I understood what they were saying. | ||
| The language was not English. | ||
| It was a different language. | ||
| They were talking, and I understood it in their language, in my head. | ||
| And then I freaked out. | ||
| And then I said, what the fuck am I... And then when I freaked out, I spelled it out to myself, like in English. | ||
| Like, what the fuck am I doing... | ||
| I am listening to a language and I understand it in that language. | ||
| But I said that in English and then I snapped out of it and woke up. | ||
| And it was the creepiest thing. | ||
| Because just like when you have this conversation with me and I know exactly what you're saying because I speak English, I knew exactly what they were saying. | ||
| But it was not English. | ||
| But I knew what the intent was. | ||
| I knew exactly what they were saying. | ||
| And I understood it in their own language. | ||
| It was freaky as fuck because it felt so real. | ||
| So you had two selves in a way. | ||
| There was the guy watching the guy speaking the language, standing, observing. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| That's what woke me up out of it. | ||
| I couldn't stay in it. | ||
| It was so crazy that I couldn't stay in it. | ||
| It just was like, what? | ||
| I wasn't capable of holding the hallucination. | ||
| Do you ever think about that though? | ||
| Because I think that that has a lot to do with maybe happiness or maybe sanity is that we all do have a couple voices. | ||
| You have the guy judging yourself and then you have your id, your animal impulses. | ||
| Freud would say it's like your ego and your superego. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You are observing yourself all the time, and the guy that's observing you is the fucking asshole. | ||
| He's the one that's socializing you and getting you to do what's appropriate, which you need to a certain degree, but the balance within that, I think it's the distance between the two voices. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, obviously, if you completely became transcendent, maybe the Dalai Lama has one voice, and how close can you get those voices? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Really close, I bet. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, there is the momentum life, and then there's the, every now and then, your, like, objective assessment of the life that you're living on momentum. | ||
| Like, sometimes your just life is on momentum for, like, long slides, and then you need, like, another perspective on yourself. | ||
| A little speed bump. | ||
| You need to go, slow down, what's going on here, buddy? | ||
| How are you really thinking? | ||
| How are you really living? | ||
| I think that those reset situations that you can get in life, whether they're a strong yoga class, whether it's a DUI. That could do it too, yeah. | ||
| It could be external. | ||
| Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| Well, you could realize like, holy shit, I'm a fucking loser. | ||
| I'm out there driving drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, for sure that could fucking snap you over into a realistic perspective on where you're at. | ||
| And the other voice then steps up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those little epiphanies can happen and then all of a sudden that guy that was in the flow is like, dude, get in the back seat. | ||
| I got the wheel for a little while. | ||
| We're going to get it back on the road here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| And it's like, you know, for me, having a wife and kids and not drinking, I don't have much escape. | ||
| So, I really do struggle with that. | ||
| Like, the guy that's telling me to do the right thing, and I realize I drive a fucking Prius. | ||
| I have college savings accounts for my kids. | ||
| I fucking exercise. | ||
| Well, that's great stuff, man. | ||
| It's great stuff, but there's a part of me that feels like that animal inside. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm not going to fuck around. | ||
| I'm not going to drink. | ||
| So I try to find other ways, and part of it is just being a clown. | ||
| When I'm out with my wife, I fuck around with everybody. | ||
| Parking attendant, waiter. | ||
| To me, it's like being out with her and having fun is the fucking greatest and making her embarrassed. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| She protests, but she loves it, and that's our relationship. | ||
| Oh, that's really funny. | ||
| That sounds like fun. | ||
| That sounds like fun. | ||
| Yeah, I put a napkin on my head at a restaurant last week, and she actually got mad at me, because I wouldn't take it off. | ||
| It was like a really nice restaurant. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| God, I want to see that. | ||
| That is such a Fitzsimmons sense of humor moment. | ||
| You just love being able to do that to her. | ||
| Just do it and realize that you are so different from me. | ||
| That's what you're saying. | ||
| Because she grew up in New York City in a fucking, not a great neighborhood. | ||
| She's a sophisticated chick. | ||
| You know, she's got her master's in social work and, you know, but... | ||
| She's not wild at all. | ||
| She's very dressed down. | ||
| But she accepts me because she grew up around insanity. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So it's a perfect combination. | ||
| And she reigns me in peacefully. | ||
| She's not a nagging wife. | ||
| She's not a ball buster. | ||
| But she is almost that other voice that gently I just watch her and she peacefully brings me back into my kids. | ||
| Sometimes you go away and you come back and you see your kid and it's like you're not connected and you've got to work your way back in. | ||
| And she's like my guide. | ||
| She brings me back into it. | ||
| That's awesome, man. | ||
| Yeah, if you can find someone, you gel with them and you enhance each other. | ||
| That's what relationships are all about. | ||
| I mean, that's what we all hope for. | ||
| But the crazy thing is how rare that is. | ||
| But it's work, too. | ||
| I don't think it's not a perfect soulmate. | ||
| But I mean, how many people do you know that are truly happy in their relationships? | ||
| What is the percentage? | ||
| You know, how many people do you know that are struggling? | ||
| I would say... | ||
| How many people do you know that fight a lot? | ||
| Probably half. | ||
| Probably half the married couples I know really, like, have a... | ||
| Like, to the point where they say it out loud, it's a thing. | ||
| Yeah, I would agree with you. | ||
| I think the people that I come in contact with is about half. | ||
| Half of them seem like a nice couple. | ||
| Look at that, they seem friendly and seem like they enjoy each other's company. | ||
| And then half of them, they just snipe at each other and they do it right in front of you. | ||
| Oh man, that's so rude. | ||
| You know what I'm doing. | ||
| You know what I'm doing. | ||
| Just stop it. | ||
| Stop it now. | ||
| Do you see what he does? | ||
| You see it, right? | ||
| This is what I deal with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Those relationships are ruthless to watch, man. | ||
| Because that's out in public. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've got to imagine what it's like behind closed doors. | |
| You know, that's... | ||
| Did you see that video of a basketball player who was a first-round draft pick? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Did you see that, Brian? | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| The dude beat his girlfriend up and did it on camera. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, in front of his daughter. | ||
| Was it in front of his daughter? | ||
| Wasn't there a little girl there? | ||
| Are you talking about, like, he reached over the fence? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It looked like it was in some sort of a hotel or apartment lobby or something like that. | ||
| Somewhere where they had a security camera. | ||
| Wherever it was. | ||
| He's this big fucking dude. | ||
| Big super athlete basketball player. | ||
| And he kicks her to the ground and smacks her in the head. | ||
| And you watch this. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| She's really little, man. | ||
| She's not a big person. | ||
| And he's giant! | ||
| And apparently he just beat her ass. | ||
| And they sentenced him to a bunch of different shit, man. | ||
| They sentenced him to, like, all told, I think he has to go to jail for like three years. | ||
| No! | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Yeah, and he just looked around. | ||
| When he probably dropped a fucking $20 million contract, too. | ||
| Well, you should see the video, too. | ||
| The video is crazy. | ||
| He collapses in the courtroom. | ||
| Collapses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was like, oh no, no, no, no, no! | |
| Fell down, collapsed. | ||
| I mean, it was really fucking intense. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| I mean, he realized that he was going to go to jail for three fucking years. | ||
| You know what sucks about that is, that ain't going to change the dude, and that ain't going to change any other domestic abuser. | ||
| Putting people in jail, it's like, why isn't there more like... | ||
| You know, especially in the inner city where you see people with less father figures and you see more violence, to really make it a part of schools that you learn how to respect women, how to respect, you know, the opposite sex, because it is something that is cyclical and it is cultural. | ||
| You see a higher instance of domestic abuse with poor people. | ||
| And, you know, that shit, jail doesn't change that shit. | ||
| It just causes more anger. | ||
| Yeah, it's not like it's a great place where they're going to sit around and do ayahuasca and find their spirit self and realize where they went wrong on their path to enlightenment. | ||
| Surrounded by dudes. | ||
| Yeah, it's a mess. | ||
| The whole idea's a mess. | ||
| And then you get into the fact that there's private prisons in this country. | ||
| That's one of the most mind-boggling facts about American culture. | ||
| It just makes you wonder, like, what is the intention of the people running this fucking place where they've allowed it to get so crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a holiday inn. | |
| They don't want vacancies. | ||
| They got vacancies, they're losing money. | ||
| You gotta fucking get some reservation people out there. | ||
| That's what the cops are. | ||
| They're reservationists for the prisons. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's almost like that, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's funny that the police officers' unions will actually lobby and vote. | ||
| They try to make sure that certain drugs aren't made legal. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, police officers' unions, or not police officers' unions, but what would they call them? | ||
| PBA? What do they call the people that work at jails? | ||
| Corrections officers? | ||
| Corrections officers, yeah. | ||
| Corrections officers, they'll actually use their money and influence to try to make sure that drugs stay illegal. | ||
| Speaking of which, number one domestic abusers in the country. | ||
| Corrections officers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yep. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Super high rate of alcoholism. | ||
| I read this book about Sing Sing. | ||
| Of course, it's a terrible job. | ||
| It's terrible for them, man. | ||
| I mean, I don't have anything against corrections officers. | ||
| It's a terrible place to be, to be just completely surrounded by people who are locked in a cage, and you're not, and you walk amongst them all the time, and they can just take a fucking free run at you at any moment. | ||
| You live your life in constant stress. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't envy them by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| I think that if you're going to really take putting someone in a jail and reform seriously, you're going to have to come up with a way better method than what they're doing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is ridiculous, because this isn't reforming anybody. | ||
| No, I read this book about Sing Sing. | ||
| This journalist went undercover as a prison guard for two years. | ||
| And he came out of it, he divorced his wife, he was an alcoholic, and he was living in a fucking one-bedroom shack. | ||
| His whole life fell apart. | ||
| And he said that the alcoholism on the inside, he said it's just, and it becomes consuming. | ||
| It becomes a challenge that you take with you when you leave work. | ||
| It's not, you go to your job, you finish, and then you go have your life. | ||
| It becomes these motherfuckers, and I'm going to do this, and it eats you up. | ||
| You become part of it. | ||
| Yeah, human beings are weird as fuck. | ||
| Trying to figure out how our behavior lends us astray, or leads us astray rather, and how we can try to get it back on track, if it's at all even possible, like as a group of us. | ||
| It's like when you look at just the massive amount of crazy human momentum-type behavior, where we're just on a momentum... | ||
| Like, here's a thing in New York where they had to recently pass something that makes rabbis have to get consent first before they suck your kid's dick. | ||
| Suck? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you know when you circumcise a child, the rabbi traditionally will suck upon the boy's penis to stop the bleeding? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is this just with Orthodox, or is this all Jewish? | ||
| I don't know what sect of Judaism. | ||
| I don't really care what they call themselves. | ||
| Whatever silly people do this. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| They've had babies die in very recent times because the baby will get herpes from the mouth of the, what I think they call the mohel. | ||
| Yes, that's a tradition. | ||
| There's a guy, it's like, there's this nutty fucking video of this guy defending it, and he explains it in the word, the Hebrew word, which, like, means to suck. | ||
| Like, it strictly says that that's how you're supposed to deal with that. | ||
| So that's what they're doing. | ||
| And you're just discounting, my thought is that you're just discounting that this fucking baby is not going to remember this experience. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| How do we not know that that's some nightmare in the back of his mind? | ||
| Like, constantly fucking with him. | ||
| Dude, the sucking is nothing. | ||
| Cutting the dick is where it starts. | ||
| Yeah, cutting the dick and then sucking it. | ||
| It's really satanic shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's tribal. | ||
| And it all goes back to shit. | ||
| Like, you know that the American Medical Association no longer recommends circumcisions. | ||
| In third world countries, they do to prevent AIDS and other transmitted diseases. | ||
| I've never got that. | ||
| How is getting your dick cut? | ||
| I'm going to prevent AIDS. Well, it used to be because the fold around the crown would get germs in. | ||
| You're going to get AIDS that way? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| That seems so ridiculous. | ||
| I think it gets infected more because there's shit that gets in there. | ||
| Wash your dick, you don't get AIDS. That's my point. | ||
| We got running water. | ||
| So this is just for people who can't even wash their... | ||
| Oh, so because we don't have running water, they're getting AIDS through their foreskin? | ||
| Yes, which is true. | ||
| Their foreskin makes AIDS? Well, anything that folds back around a gland, like a vagina, basically, collects way more diseases than a penis. | ||
| Men don't catch AIDS almost ever from straight-up sex with a woman who has AIDS. But if you've got a vagina, you've got a really good chance of getting AIDS if you have sex with somebody. | ||
| If you have any kind of tear in your vaginal wall or ceilings or floors or shades or blinds or your lips, slats... | ||
| Do you know that there's a doctor who doesn't believe that? | ||
| It's terrifying when you're too stupid to know who's dumb. | ||
| Because there's this guy, his name is Dr. Peter Duisburg, and I've read all his stuff, and I know that he's a... | ||
| A professor of biology, I believe, at the University of California, Berkeley. | ||
| He's like a legit guy. | ||
| And his whole idea is that HIV is not what causes AIDS. Oh, yeah, I heard about this guy. | ||
| Well, President of South Africa said the same thing. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah, the biggest AIDS country in the world. | ||
| By the way, I meant HIV before when I was talking about transmitting diseases and not AIDS. Well, I am way too stupid to understand who's right and who's wrong, you know, because obviously there's a bunch of geneticists and a bunch of disease specialists who completely disagree with him, and they think that HIV does cause AIDS. I wish I was smart enough to know what the fuck, who's, where it's ridiculous. | ||
| Well, it's all shit happening at a molecular level. | ||
| It's all guesses, but it's percentages. | ||
| And if you say that when we see these symptoms of immune deficiencies happening in people that have lesions and are losing weight, then we often find that before that, that the immune leads to lesions and the outbreak of AIDS. So why not play those odds, since we'll never know the actual truth, if there even is one? | ||
| Do you think that's what they're doing? | ||
| What Dewsburg is saying is that it's linked to partying. | ||
| What he's saying is that it's dudes do like meth and go crazy and poppers and email nitrates. | ||
| Apparently those poppers are unbelievably bad for you. | ||
| Like instant brain damage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Doing that partying on a regular basis like that just wrecks your immune system. | ||
| It's why third world countries get AIDS more is because when you're malnourished and your system is worn down, you tear easier. | ||
| Your tissues break open and your immune system can't fight back as much. | ||
| So it's about wealthy countries get it less because they're in better shape. | ||
| So what you think is that HIV is something that can be avoided? | ||
| I think the likelihood of getting it is increased when your system is worn down and you're malnourished and you don't have enough fluids in you, then you tear and that's where you have more cuts around you because your skin, everything is just not as elastic and strong. | ||
| And that's all coming from sex then. | ||
| It's just completely sexually transmitted. | ||
| Yeah, you put a penis in a vagina and you rub it back and forth and something tears and then the semen gets in there. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| HIV. Remember when you were a kid and you thought everybody would be dead of AIDS by now? | ||
| I know. | ||
| We were convinced. | ||
| Well, we caught the wave. | ||
| We got fucked. | ||
| We got scared. | ||
| Do you ever remember what happened the first time you took an AIDS test? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Did you panic? | ||
| I fucking panicked. | ||
| I fucking panicked. | ||
| Because it's like a 24-hour wait. | ||
| Yeah, I fucking panicked, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I fucking panicked. | ||
| I thought about some weird drunk nights on the road as a 20-year-old, you know, 21-year-old. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I caught gonorrhea once. | ||
| I caught chlamydia once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| So is it really green when you pee? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| It hurts worse than any. | ||
| And you're fighting your need to urinate. | ||
| Full bladder. | ||
| But every ounce that comes out, you are ready to fall on the floor screaming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it's nice. | ||
| And then one shot in the ass, gone. | ||
| Did you tell there's a syphilis outbreak in porn? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Some dude got syphilis and then, like, didn't show his full medicals, didn't show... | ||
| No, he faked his... | ||
| Took the shot. | ||
| He took a shot, and he thought he was cleaning in 10 days. | ||
| That's his story. | ||
| And apparently 11 days... | ||
| He didn't even... | ||
| He waited one day. | ||
| And then the next day, he did a movie and gave people syphilis. | ||
| Because it's Domino. | ||
| She then has sex with four other guys. | ||
| I mean, he didn't even get another check. | ||
| He didn't even get another blood test to see if it's still in his system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He didn't even... | ||
| He just said, I gotta work. | ||
| Well, because you don't have to. | ||
| My friend is the head of the... | ||
| Venereal Disease Department of the Health Service for California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lucky. | |
| His whole thing is trying to get... | ||
| I mean, he knows as much about porn as I do because that's his whole thing. | ||
| It's like, you know when they started using condoms? | ||
| That was him. | ||
| And he said that the testing, once a month you get tested, which means the gestation period for HIV is like 20 days or whatever. | ||
| So you're never really catching it. | ||
| And that there's one agency that does the testing for all the porn movies and it's not even a medical office. | ||
| It's not a doctor. | ||
| It's a clinic. | ||
| Yeah, but they closed all these places down so that they're all forced to go to like one place now where it used to be really convenient that like you should be able to go to any doctor, get a test, get all the tests because it's all the blood sent to the same place as these labs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But they're not letting them do that anymore, so now they're all forced to go to this one sketchy place, and so there's all these creepy people that hang out there trying to fuck with them and stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah, and it's also, they have to pay for it. | ||
| The actors pay for the test themselves. | ||
| What fucking job that you go to, I mean, first of all, it's a law. | ||
| You have to get tested to work. | ||
| If it's a law, why the fuck are they paying for it? | ||
| Yeah, that is a business that didn't get a bailout. | ||
| That business crumbled. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's guys still making money. | ||
| There's, like, the very clever computer guys. | ||
| But you think about, like, the business of pornography and how many people watch pornography and then the fact that all of a sudden no one was paying for it anymore. | ||
| Like, all of a sudden it all just went away. | ||
| And it's gotten bigger! | ||
| And porn's everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's everywhere and it's free. | ||
| Not if Mitt Romney gets an offer. | ||
| That's the number one profiteer from pornography... | ||
| Guess who it is? | ||
| Mitt Romney. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Close. | ||
| It's another Mormon. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Who? | ||
| The Marriott family. | ||
| They own more hotel chains that sell porn, and that's the only place people are paying for it anymore. | ||
| They're the number one profiter from pornography. | ||
| Yeah, people do. | ||
| Squeaky clean Mormons. | ||
| People do pay for it still. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I should say that so I don't get it. | ||
| That they're squeaky clean? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That they're the number one. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think they made, well, if they're not number one, they made a fuckload of money. | ||
| I would say Motel 6 would be number one. | ||
| No, but I think they own it. | ||
| I think Marriott owns a lot of just chains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're pornographers. | |
| Those dirty pornographers, the Marriott's. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| I wonder if you found out they made millions a year from pornography. | ||
| There's businessmen on the road, weeping at the end of the bed. | ||
| At least it's on the expense account. | ||
| That's why they do it so much. | ||
| It's all on the expense account. | ||
| They don't question you for those $40 movies? | ||
| They don't mark them anymore. | ||
| They don't mark anything? | ||
| They don't give you a title on the bill. | ||
| Just moving. | ||
| Of course, yeah. | ||
| They can't give you a title on the bill. | ||
| They had to know a long time ago that was a must. | ||
| When you bought porn, because I'm assuming you don't anymore, what was your thing? | ||
| What section were you in shopping? | ||
| I didn't ever have a thing. | ||
| Never really got too specific. | ||
| The thing about porn is you want to see different people. | ||
| Even if one girl's really pretty, you get bored. | ||
| I started off girl-girl only. | ||
| I didn't even want any girls in the picture. | ||
| Brian's like, let me just pretend that we're all in a slumber party and I'm going to be your best BFF ever. | ||
| Well, it's just something I didn't see every day. | ||
| I have had sex, but I never saw two girls together. | ||
| That shit was like aliens to me. | ||
| Yeah, it's strange. | ||
| But they look happy, usually. | ||
| I just like to see a dream crush. | ||
| In my clip, I need a dream crush. | ||
| I need a casting couch. | ||
| Oh, those are the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are hilarious. | ||
| Or the, what was it? | ||
| Was it Bang Boss that you used to pull over? | ||
| And people would just fuck. | ||
| Get in the car. | ||
| We've got a porno star. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| My favorite now is Fucking Machines. | ||
| Wasn't that kid, the kid that was in some, what movie was that? | ||
| The kid that had done a porn when he was young, he did like a Bang Brothers? | ||
| Jonathan. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, from Project X. Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What was his story again? | ||
| He just, he did a, I think it was a Bang Bus. | ||
| How old was he? | ||
| I think he just turned 18 or something like that. | ||
| He's a John... | ||
| I can't even think of his last name right now, but he was in that movie Project X, and he's a big, chubby, nerdy kid with glasses. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he was in a movie where he fucked... | ||
| I think it was his first time, too. | ||
| Like, four girls in a bus. | ||
| And he... | ||
| The funny part was, though, is that... | ||
| Was it really four girls? | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| And the funny thing was that he had, like, a huge hog, so it's just like... | ||
| It was, like, so weird that, like, I actually knew him before, like, like, we had him on, I had him on a few podcasts, like, I didn't know about it, and so just, like, knowing a guy and then finding out he was in porn, and then seeing his, his hog. | ||
| Well, that happened with me with, you know, Simon Rex from MTV? Simon Rex. | ||
| He was, like, one of the original VJs on MTV. Yeah, doesn't he, he has another name now? | ||
| Yeah, he has a band now. | ||
| Dirt Nasty? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And he's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a fucking good guy. | |
| He's been on my podcast. | ||
| What song? | ||
| The 80s? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| The song about the 80s? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Now I'm gonna go crazy. | ||
| We'll drop it into the podcast later. | ||
| Yeah, but he did some kind of... | ||
| He's just masturbating, but I think it was a big hit with the men. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| The gentleman. | ||
| Came out after he was famous. | ||
| Fuck, now I'm going crazy trying to remember this fucking song. | ||
| You're so crazy. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| What's wrong with you today? | ||
| You gotta stop doing ecstasy so much. | ||
| You're breaking your brain, man. | ||
| You've got a holy brain. | ||
| What's the fuck machine? | ||
| Cheesy brain. | ||
| Fuck machine is called fuckingmachines.com I think it is and it's actually robots that fuck but they're like really high powered like you know like dildos that shoot in and out of them at like 80 miles per hour and they can't control it like they're tied down so like there's somebody sitting there going yeah I'm gonna fuck you hard and like it's really crazy like Dana Dear Mom did it and it seems like you can break your pussy Yeah. | ||
| That's a good way to get your pussy all broken. | ||
| Some machine, robot, metal dick just fucking stabbing you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, whoa. | ||
| What if it goes a little too hard? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| What's wrong with a vibrator where you hold the other end? | ||
| Is that much of a chore? | ||
| Why would you let a machine fuck you? | ||
| You gotta be real careful about that kind of shit. | ||
| No shit, and what's crazy is that people on those webcam sites are now doing it. | ||
| Because they have these, I guess you can easily buy them now for your home. | ||
| Like a portable one that's just like, or they make them from a hardware store. | ||
| But, like, there's this one girl that she's just, like, getting a, like, the dildo is, like, I don't know, 12 inches, maybe? | ||
| Like, a huge dildo. | ||
| And she was giving a blowjob to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And she put it on full blast. | ||
| You could just see it, like, her throat get bigger like a snake eating a watermelon. | ||
| And it was, like, you're going to hurt yourself. | ||
| You're going to break something. | ||
| You're going to choke or you're going to crack your neck open. | ||
| Ugh, so crazy. | ||
| And what's weird is that what is like the algorithm in your brain that wants, like when you talk about different, like I used to love Asian chicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Got into their feet. | ||
| I was never like, let me suck your feet and jerk off, but I appreciate a nice pair of feet, especially on an Asian woman. | ||
| Let's just put that out there. | ||
| So then I move on to the casting couch, and I start to wonder on a deeper level, what is it about my personality or my brainwaves that attracts me to a specific thing? | ||
| And then what is it that has so broken down the social order that people respond to machines fucking? | ||
| It's like the flesh, the softness, the humanity has been stripped away, and all that's left is the violent part of fucking. | ||
| Have you heard of this new discovery at Harvard? | ||
| They've created a cyborg flesh? | ||
| Of course, at Harvard, because nobody can get laid. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I mean, but along those lines, this is literally step one to you creating a robot that's going to fuck you up. | ||
| A meat robot. | ||
| This is nuts, man. | ||
| Fuck the flying jetpack. | ||
| This is pretty intense shit. | ||
| To create the cyborg flesh, you start with a three-dimensional scaffold that encourages cells to grow around them. | ||
| These scaffolds are generally made of collagen, which makes up the connective tissue in almost every animal. | ||
| The Harvard engineers basically took normal collagen and wove nanowires and transistors into the matrix to create a nanoelectric scaffold. | ||
| The neurons, heart cells, muscles, and blood vessels were then grown as normal, creating cyborg tissue with a built-in sensor network. | ||
| Is this the... | ||
| Plot of a porn movie or this is reality? | ||
| This is reality, man. | ||
| This is crazy shit. | ||
| This is like cyborg flesh. | ||
| They're figuring out a way to replace your skin with robot skin. | ||
| I'm going to see you in 20 years from now and you're going to be a 24-year-old handsome man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Asian. | |
| They're going to take your whole body and slowly replace your skin with some fucking robot skin. | ||
| I'm going to have to get used to young Greg. | ||
| It's going to be weird. | ||
| What about the hair? | ||
| Talk to me about the hair. | ||
| Even if I could grow my hair, I'd go back to shaving it. | ||
| It's the most freeing feeling. | ||
| Just rub it through, but it will stop you from getting a certain type of gal in your life. | ||
| Wait, so the Harvard people, they're... | ||
| They've created an artificial skin. | ||
| They've created it to fuck? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying this is step one to be a robot that is your sex slave. | ||
| Well, that's why... | ||
| You know it's all male scientists and the women. | ||
| They're like Israel trying to fucking defunct Iran's nuclear program. | ||
| They're coming in at night, exposing all the test tubes. | ||
| Totally, totally, totally. | ||
| Throwing fucking paint in them and shit. | ||
| You're never going to get that fake pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never! | |
| Just fucking lighting their laboratory on fire while they sleep. | ||
| Yeah, they finally think they've got one. | ||
| She comes out, and they design it like a garbage disposal. | ||
| The pussy just fucking devours that little dick. | ||
| That little Harvard dick. | ||
| You're so funny. | ||
| That was such a Boston thing to say. | ||
| That little Harvard dick. | ||
| You're at your graduation with a gown on, trying to hide the stump. | ||
| This thing is really complicated. | ||
| I don't think I even understood what I just said. | ||
| But what it seems to me is that this is, I mean, they're going to be, they can create flesh. | ||
| They've already figured out how to do that. | ||
| They figured out a way to create meat in, like, essentially like a test tube environment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They've had, you know... | ||
| So it's just a matter of time before... | ||
| And the meat is replicated DNA? I don't understand it. | ||
| I'm too stupid to answer that question. | ||
| But I guess the big turn is getting it to actually reproduce itself, DNA like it does in humans. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But it seems to me that if they can replicate one aspect of it, if they can figure out how to replicate meat... | ||
| It's just a matter of time. | ||
| It's like we went from the Model T Ford to the 2013 Corvette. | ||
| It gets better. | ||
| It gets better, it gets better, it gets better. | ||
| When they're doing this now, this is what they're doing now, this is going to expand into something else incredibly freaky. | ||
| This is going to be incredibly, incredibly freaky. | ||
| This is cyborg tissue. | ||
| You could make a fucking Cylon. | ||
| You could make a cyborg. | ||
| This is step one. | ||
| When they look back in history, when life is like Battlestar Galactica, fucking for real, and we really are fighting off these intelligent robots that we created, this will be the day where people look at this and go... | ||
| Wait, what did they do? | ||
| What did they make? | ||
| They started with this and then goes from this to what? | ||
| And by the time they tell you about this, how far are they along on this? | ||
| Oh, they'll be the ones telling you about it. | ||
| Yeah, they'll be clones. | ||
| Clones will be telling you about cloning. | ||
| Well, we figured out how to clone. | ||
| Because the guy is a clone who's telling you about it. | ||
| Yeah, and the amazing thing is that you look at, like, I went to the Santa Monica Promenade the other day, and they come out of the five-story parking garage with a line of cars at two different stations. | ||
| No human being. | ||
| Like, you're literally collecting between $5 and $10 every 15 seconds, all day and night. | ||
| You can't pay $12 an hour to some fucking guy to have a job? | ||
| And that's what's happened is that they talk about unemployment is, you know, the unemployment rate is high. | ||
| Well, it's not just high because the economy's not doing good. | ||
| It's they're slicing jobs with machines everywhere. | ||
| Just to stay at even with the job rate, you would have to be creating X number of jobs every month. | ||
| And with these cyborgs, what the fuck? | ||
| Who's going to have a job anymore? | ||
| Yeah, who's going to have any sort of a manual labor job? | ||
| I welcome the cyborg friends. | ||
| I think I'd rather enjoy paying a machine than talking to some fucking retard in a parking garage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not the idea. | |
| I think it's faster, too. | ||
| It's more convenient. | ||
| It's faster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You're so crazy. | ||
| Because here's the problem. | ||
| They are going to be intelligent. | ||
| If they're going to be intelligent, they're going to be able to be sentient, which means they're going to have their own will. | ||
| They can do whatever they would like to do. | ||
| The first thing they're going to do is make a better one of them. | ||
| They're going to realize what we did wrong, what was stupid about this. | ||
| This is shitty. | ||
| You thought about this like a person would. | ||
| Let's redo this better. | ||
| And they'll do that almost instantaneously. | ||
| But that's the big question. | ||
| In all of this since the 1950s when they started talking about robots and stuff, is can there be a sentient moment? | ||
| Can there be that transition from something that's been programmed to something that can control itself? | ||
| You know what would be really horrifying? | ||
| If there never was a sentient moment, but it acted as if there was one. | ||
| And it just ran around like this meat puppet program, just fucking gunning holes in people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it didn't know what it was supposed to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could just throw him in the toilet, pour some water on him, he'll stop. | ||
| You know, like a cell phone. | ||
| He has electronics. | ||
| He might better think twice. | ||
| I think he would probably have that covered, that whole get wet part. | ||
| It'll double itself. | ||
| They already know how to do that with cell phones, you know. | ||
| There's like some product, they dip it. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Yeah, they dip your cell phone in this product and you can like literally drop in the ocean, pull it out, dry it off. | ||
| Like your existing cell phone? | ||
| You can bring it in and they do this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Send them the cell phone. | ||
| They take it and soak it in some kind of crazy polymer that doesn't, I don't know, the word polymer. | ||
| I shouldn't even be allowed to say it because I don't even know what the fuck a polymer is. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Plastic shit. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Some awesome, super cool plastic shit. | ||
| Like a Bobby Lee hand on the road? | ||
| That keeps water from getting through to the electronics. | ||
| Somehow or another. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Yeah, but there's demonstrations of it online. | ||
| I can't remember the name of it, but if you're so curious, you will Google it. | ||
| Get some and dip your cock in it and never wear a condom again. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think you'd feel as much. | ||
| Your dick would be all waxy and shit. | ||
| Like every time you're in the shower with your girl, you got a boner. | ||
| She's like, why is it so waxy? | ||
| It's just so weird. | ||
| It's like the water's just beating up on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just like the hood of a fucking Chevy. | |
| It's their birthday. | ||
| You light your dick on fire and stick it in the cake. | ||
| That is one of the nicest qualities about those old American muscle cars was those big, long, giant hoods when you wax the car and then it rained and the water beaded up on that thing and you just kind of swipe the water off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those fucking cars, man. | ||
| Those were works of art. | ||
| I gotta show you this Mustang I saw today. | ||
| I was over in Burbank. | ||
| What? | ||
| Powerful Burbank. | ||
| Not Burbank. | ||
| Wherever CBS Radford is. | ||
| That's Burbank. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Parking Garage. | ||
| No. | ||
| Studio City? | ||
| Studio City. | ||
| Brian, don't be a hater. | ||
| Don't be starting gang violence. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Lakeside Mafia. | ||
| Some kind of special, it said like California edition. | ||
| I pressed the button. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| California edition of what? | ||
| What are you showing me? | ||
| It looked like a 68 Mustang, but it had these, maybe you'll recognize it. | ||
| I've never seen one. | ||
| It's hilarious to me how a guy like you doesn't have some fucking crazy car like this. | ||
| It's time. | ||
| You already convinced me. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| This is an old Mustang. | ||
| I'm up for a head writer job on a... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I said this is an old Mustang. | ||
| Yeah, that's like a 67 maybe? | ||
| I don't know the years, but God. | ||
| But it's got scoops on the side by the doors. | ||
| The lines of those cars were just so beautiful. | ||
| And it was a 350 special edition it set on the side. | ||
| But no, I'm up for a head writer job. | ||
| That's why I was just over there. | ||
| And if I get it, I'm pulling the trigger because I'll be commuting to fucking CBS Radford from Venice every day. | ||
| What are you going to get? | ||
| I think I'm going to get the Challenger. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Goodbye. | ||
| It's a lot of gas. | ||
| Yeah, it's a lot of gas, but you feel like a fucking man when you get in there. | ||
| I love gas. | ||
| The rumble of the engine. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| I rented a Mustang in Ohio. | ||
| Fuckin' my wife in the back of it. | ||
| You rented a Mustang and didn't like it? | ||
| Yeah, 2012 convertible Mustang. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Wait, that's the one you were just telling me about. | ||
| I have one, I love it. | ||
| Yeah, but yours is a different style, I think. | ||
| Well, it's a different experience. | ||
| It's the GT500. It's 550 horsepower. | ||
| It's an aluminum block engine. | ||
| It's the Ford GT engine put into this wobbly-ass convertible body. | ||
| Oh, it's beautiful. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| It's the most American dick-hard car I've ever driven. | ||
| I wouldn't want to drive it every day, but when I drive it, it's fun as fuck. | ||
| I don't even think about playing anything except 70s rock in that car. | ||
| Because it's just got this rumble. | ||
| It's like Leonard Skinner all the way. | ||
| I got on a big Leonard Skinner kick when I bought this car. | ||
| Because I'm like, this is the kind of music you need to be listening to. | ||
| Simple Man is perhaps the most moving rock song of all time. | ||
| A father telling his son... | ||
| How to be a man. | ||
| It's a fucking great song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| The Ballad of Curtis Lowe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had some classic shit. | ||
| Just so fucking underrated. | ||
| But there's something about dudes that guys can, for whatever stupid reason, really viscerally connect with the sound of an engine of a car. | ||
| And that kind of 1970s, late 1960s classic rock. | ||
| They ball together into one really... | ||
| Guy-centric experience. | ||
| And I don't know what the fuck it is. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| I've tried to assess my love for the rumble of an engine before. | ||
| Why it's so retarded with me. | ||
| I get a shriek like a little child when I hear a good engine wail. | ||
| I just fucking love it. | ||
| It just sounds awesome. | ||
| But it's stupid. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| Wouldn't it be better if it was completely silent? | ||
| That's what I don't like about the Prius. | ||
| That it's totally silent. | ||
| But wouldn't that be awesome? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, for one thing in this fucking stupid life to not just make a shitload of noise everywhere it goes? | ||
| Wouldn't that be awesome? | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Give me a Prius that has a fake sound when I push the accelerator. | ||
| It just plays on the inside of the car. | ||
| Well, you know, they have a BMW that does that. | ||
| The BMW M5 has the sound of the engine transmitted through the speakers. | ||
| It's really kind of a cheesy move. | ||
| And it's an automatic... | ||
| Well, it's double clutch. | ||
| It's an automatic, but the best way to drive it is to use the paddles, you know, like when they take it on a track. | ||
| It's an amazing car. | ||
| I mean, there's nothing bad about the car. | ||
| It's just the decision to make the sound come through the stereo seems like cheating. | ||
| It sounds like what it sounds like. | ||
| They had to make it a turbo. | ||
| Because there's all these new crazy gas efficiency laws that are coming out, and it's really hard to make the same gas guzzler type engines. | ||
| And by the time, I think it's 2016, I believe it is, every car is going to have to be above 35 miles a gallon. | ||
| That's going to be the industry standard. | ||
| So all these cars, like these Mustangs and shit, you won't be able to buy them just in a few years from now. | ||
| Stock them up. | ||
| You can't get anything retarded in a few years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And by the way, the Shelby, the GT500, somehow or another, it doesn't even get a gas guzzler tax. | ||
| I don't know how that happened. | ||
| Is it a V8? It's huge. | ||
| It's a huge V8. But they figured out something to make it really efficient with the supercharger. | ||
| Well, you were saying, what was the car you can bring on a track that got better mileage than a Prius? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A BMW N3. Yeah, when you bring a Prius onto a track, Top Gear did this. | ||
| They took a Prius and they made it go full blast around a racetrack. | ||
| And all the BMW had to do was keep up with it. | ||
| And the BMW kept up with it easily and got better gas mileage than the Prius did. | ||
| Because the Prius was fighting for its fucking life. | ||
| Whereas the BMW was just like sprinting. | ||
| Well, yeah, but I think the Prius is designed to save you money, stop and go through town. | ||
| It's not for highway. | ||
| Yeah, that's the whole point of the brakes generating extra power, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The brakes help recharge the engine. | ||
| Mine's got a downshift thing now, so you actually collect even more. | ||
| It'll decelerate the way if you downshift it would and collect that energy. | ||
| When are you going to pull the trigger? | ||
| As soon as I get this job. | ||
| I'm going to find out in the next week. | ||
| Women will never understand these conversations. | ||
| But we'll never understand fucking handbags. | ||
| Do you ever get a handbag conversation with Mrs. Fitzsimmons? | ||
| She's not like that at all, thank God. | ||
| Oh, thank the baby Jesus. | ||
| We just went to a big wedding, and she borrowed handbag, jewelry. | ||
| I felt like such a douche. | ||
| Oh, that's funny, man. | ||
| She was wearing a fucking dress. | ||
| I'm like, look, she shopped for two fucking weeks and didn't find anything. | ||
| I go into a store, and it's very simple. | ||
| I need a shirt. | ||
| I'm going to this store. | ||
| I'm walking out with a shirt. | ||
| That's all it takes. | ||
| Pants? | ||
| This store. | ||
| Christmas shopping. | ||
| Gotta buy something for the wife? | ||
| This store. | ||
| Coming out with something. | ||
| She spent two weeks going in and out and did not find anything. | ||
| That boggles my fucking mind. | ||
| She had the best affairs ever. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| No wonder she had no clothes. | ||
| She keeps on leaving at all these guys' house. | ||
| So she found a friend that had a dress, though, that she liked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| That's weird. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So what does your wife usually wear? | ||
| Like lumberjack shit? | ||
| Yeah, she's into flannel. | ||
| Timberlands. | ||
| She's got hay. | ||
| She puts hay in her hair. | ||
| She's got big tits, so she'll wear 34Ds. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And tight jeans. | ||
| Not tight tight, but she's got a good fucking body, man. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| I had sex with her the other day, and I was just like, fuck! | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| Damn it, your body's nice. | ||
| You know, I check her out all the time. | ||
| And she initiated. | ||
| It was fucking nice. | ||
| She initiated? | ||
| He's giving us full details. | ||
| I mean, you know, in the living room. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| She fucking walked in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Took it. | |
| She wanted it. | ||
| Any music? | ||
| Took it. | ||
| Any music playing? | ||
| What was on TV? I was on my laptop on the chair in the living room and she fucking lap danced me with no music. | ||
| And then we threw down on the couch and then she just walked away. | ||
| Kept on doing her shit. | ||
| Wouldn't it be funny if Greg and his wife didn't really have sex at all anymore, but he had written all these stories, but he gets them crossed up, and he doesn't realize he told us this one already, but it was a little different before. | ||
| He was on the couch last time. | ||
| But he said the same thing about her walking away. | ||
| Can you imagine catching someone in a crazy lie? | ||
| Have the best marriage ever. | ||
| You just find out it's just death. | ||
| That was the saddest. | ||
| I saw a little bit of this movie with Kevin James. | ||
| He's a fucking good actor, man. | ||
| He's a very good actor. | ||
| I mean, my kids watch him in all these movies, and not only does he do physical comedy, but his face can do so much shit, even in a drama. | ||
| He's a powerful dude. | ||
| His Here Comes the Boom movie is coming out in October, and that's a movie where he plays a MMA fighter. | ||
| He plays a guy who is a college wrestler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He's fucking great in it, man. | ||
| He can act his ass off. | ||
| And he can take those silly high-concept movies like that and actually ground it enough to make it funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this movie, anyway, he's about to... | ||
| His friend's going to propose, and he's telling him how great marriage is. | ||
| He's trying to drag him into it. | ||
| And then the guy sees his wife cheating, calls her on it, and she goes, well, what do you know about our marriage? | ||
| He goes and gets a fucking handjob from a Thai girl every Friday, and it all falls apart, you know? | ||
| And this guy wants to get married, but he realizes every married person is spinning another fucking story about their marriage. | ||
| And to me, it's like... | ||
| You either stay married, like getting divorced, you should never do until you need a divorce. | ||
| Then you should get a fucking divorce. | ||
| But to live a lie in a marriage, why not kill? | ||
| You're not alive if you're doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, some people just can't change. | ||
| They have a real hard time just moving on to the next thing. | ||
| They have a really hard time just changing. | ||
| It's very difficult for some people. | ||
| That's one of the things in this happy movie. | ||
| It talks about how the pain, the thing that you think is going to be losing your job, going broke, even getting kicked out of your house, it's never as bad as you think it's going to be, and the fear of it happening controls so much of your actions. | ||
| It goes away right away. | ||
| You experience it, and you're in a new reality. | ||
| All of a sudden, I got no house. | ||
| I found another place. | ||
| My life's moving forward. | ||
| You keep on getting out of sync with us for some reason, your camera, and so I'm trying to fix it. | ||
| It flashed. | ||
| I noticed that it flashed. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to fix it right now. | ||
| As long as the audio's on, I'll be a man of mystery over here. | ||
| But what was weird is that me and Greg would be talking, and then you would answer like five seconds on delay. | ||
| What? | ||
| It was like me and you were in a different world than Joe. | ||
| It was really trippy to watch. | ||
| I fixed it once before, then it started happening again. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think it's because of switching to this laptop? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Switching to Windows? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We tried to do the podcast in Windows. | ||
| The iTunes version will be good, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Go get that audio version. | ||
| And as far as the video, we gave it a shot. | ||
| Wait, what is it? | ||
| We were broadcasting for the first time today. | ||
| It looks like it's up. | ||
| Yeah, I fixed it last time and it started happening again. | ||
| This is the first time we're broadcasting the video portion of it off of a Windows computer. | ||
| We've never done that before. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because we have one. | ||
| We have this Alienware computer that gave it to us, so we figured, well, let's try it. | ||
| Let's try it this way. | ||
| Normally you do it a different way? | ||
| Normally we do it through a Mac. | ||
| But you should always mix it up once in a while, right? | ||
| We decided to see what would happen, and apparently there's some issues. | ||
| I wonder if that's a fixable thing? | ||
| It's probably the power of the laptop. | ||
| It's trying to handle three webcams at the same time, so I'm guessing... | ||
| Really? | ||
| What a weak-ass bitch. | ||
| Well, we went from an iMac, which is like top of the line, to a laptop. | ||
| So the three webcams are taking it down? | ||
| But that's a gaming laptop. | ||
| Those things have super power when it comes to... | ||
| They have two graphics cards. | ||
| Yeah, but wouldn't that have anything to do... | ||
| Or is it the information coming at it? | ||
| It's the CPU. I mean, you're doing three webcams. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And it's the power of powering those webcams. | ||
| It's the wrong one. | ||
| You know, I should have brought that big giant one in. | ||
| We should have tried it with that one. | ||
| Because that one is much more powerful. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| That would be a better move. | ||
| That's a lot of shit to put through a computer. | ||
| Sorry, folks. | ||
| We're trying to do this. | ||
| Technically, we're a mess. | ||
| I'm trying to do a two-camera thing backstage. | ||
| I'm doing a one-hour special, and we're shooting backstage with multi-cameras and trying to stream it live before I go on. | ||
| And the director's all on top of that shit, and I was just like, you know what? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| In the stream, live before you go on. | ||
| Just, you know, I'm backstage. | ||
| My two best friends that I grew up with, two biggest fucking troublemakers, because I'm shooting it in Tyree Town, New York, and these guys, I can't even get into what they fucking did, because one of them is the town judge, the other guy's the fire chief. | ||
| Fucked up these towns are. | ||
| And so the special is going to be me. | ||
| They're pulling up, somehow illegally getting the fire truck and pulling me up to the front of the theater on a fire truck. | ||
| And then at the end, they're leading me out and putting me into a police cruiser and tearing down the street. | ||
| So I want to have all my buddies backstage that I used to fuck around with growing up. | ||
| All the troublemakers. | ||
| And just right up until they announce my name to go on stage, I just want to be fucking around and laughing. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| That'll get you really warmed up, sort of like when we do the Ice House, the podcast we do right before we do shows. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Same sort of thing. | ||
| That probably inspired me to do it, actually. | ||
| It's a great move. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| Those are the guys that put you in the frame of mind that made you a comedian in the first place. | ||
| Yeah, you get into the rhythm of making them laugh and do that to the audience. | ||
| Yeah, that is, when you get a group of guys and a couple of them are funny, it can get pretty fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you get a group of guys and a couple of them are funny. | ||
| Well, because then you got the guys that their laugh keeps it going. | ||
| Then you got the guy you're all shitting on. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And you all know the dynamic. | ||
| It's like the Beatles. | ||
| You got four guys and they all have a role. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Who was your guys growing up? | ||
| Well, my two best friends when I was growing up were two Jimmys, and they were both a year ahead of me. | ||
| So they were graduating, and they were both tradesmen. | ||
| One Jimmy's a carpenter, and one Jimmy's an electrician. | ||
| Just real, normal guys. | ||
| And I lived with one Jimmy, Jimmy Dottilio. | ||
| Great fucking guy. | ||
| To this day, I talk to him every now and then. | ||
| I really don't get to see him that often. | ||
| I saw him when I was in Boston when I was there for the UFC. Him and my other friend Jimmy, Jimmy Lawless. | ||
| You saw both of them together? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We hung out and then they brought their kids. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You know, Jimmy Lawless brought his kid. | ||
| It's just, it's so weird. | ||
| His real name is Lawless? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| He's a great guy too. | ||
| Isn't it weird we see this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's been my buddy since we were like 15. Is it just like old times? | |
| Yeah, he's just a great guy. | ||
| Well, you know, the thing that I've always said about that life, living that life in Boston, it's a hard life to live in that weather. | ||
| It's a hard place to grow up, too, because people in Boston have extreme blue-collar work ethic, too. | ||
| There's a lot of that up there, too. | ||
| There's a lot of people that, like, when I was in high school, I felt so lazy. | ||
| Because I knew like 10 dudes that had landscaping jobs. | ||
| They had their own like series of lawns they would cut. | ||
| And then they were hiring people. | ||
| I remember this kid was driving a brand new car when we were in high school. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| He always had money, this kid. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| He just figured out, I felt like such a lazy asshole. | ||
| Because this kid had figured out how to move and hustle. | ||
| There was so much of that. | ||
| I grew up in Newton, in Newton Upper Falls. | ||
| There was so much of that there. | ||
| But Newton is kind of right and wrong side of the tracks, isn't it? | ||
| Well, my side of the tracks was we just lived in a really cheap house in a pretty decent neighborhood. | ||
| I mean, it was a cute little neighborhood, but the house was a piece of shit, and my parents bought the house so that we could be in the neighborhood so they could get us into a good school system. | ||
| Because we were in Jamaica Plain before that, which was really shady. | ||
| The area where I was at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
JP! Kid, meet me at fucking Sullys down JP! JP was shady. | |
| I saw some crazy shit living there in just a couple of years. | ||
| That was a tricky place. | ||
| But, you know, nothing compared to, like, real bad. | ||
| And it's not Compton or anything like that. | ||
| No, but there was that whole, like, Italian-Irish, like, you had JP, you had, not Dorchester, but West Roxbury. | ||
| Not Roxbury, but West Roxbury. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right next to JP. And it was like, you weren't in Dorchester, but you could get your drugs there. | ||
| And, you know, there was, like, people that had got just enough money to get out of the really shit neighborhoods made it out to, like, JP. Yeah. | ||
| We would go into Dorchester late at night and buy food at places. | ||
| And I remember we were at this place. | ||
| They were serving steak and cheese sandwiches. | ||
| And it was open really late at night. | ||
| And this neighborhood was fucked up. | ||
| It was like you were scared to expose your money before you paid for it because you thought someone would just snatch it from you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, there was just some wild, crazy people there. | ||
| And they had this thick plexiglass between the server and you. | ||
| And they only served you through, like, this slot. | ||
| And they gave the guy the sandwich. | ||
| And then the guy says, that'll be, you know, X amount of money. | ||
| and the guys just start screaming, I already paid you, you motherfucker. | ||
| You're trying to cheat me, you motherfucker. | ||
| And they're like, let it go, let it go, let it go. | ||
| Let him go, let him go. | ||
| Just let him go, just let him go. | ||
| And they just let this guy creep out in there just hoping that he didn't just blast them, hoping that you didn't catch a man on his last day. | ||
| Because you can, especially if you live in a big city, I guess you can get anywhere. | ||
| If you just... | ||
| Run into someone on their last straw. | ||
| Like that guy. | ||
| Just run into that guy. | ||
| And they were like, have the sandwich. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Take it easy. | ||
| That's where you gotta have instincts. | ||
| You know, you can take anybody in a city. | ||
| You know, you take somebody who's not from a city and you put them in a city. | ||
| They don't have that instinct of let them go, walk away, or challenge. | ||
| There's times where it's just as safe to challenge somebody. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| But sometimes people talk too much and they get themselves in trouble and they don't know what a real fistfight is like. | ||
| They don't know what a real... | ||
| There's no rules out there, okay? | ||
| That guy could stab you. | ||
| You don't even know this guy. | ||
| He might be from some other country where they'll stab people on the regular. | ||
| I mean, he might fucking shoot you. | ||
| You don't know what you're doing. | ||
| Why are you fighting people? | ||
| If you could avoid it at all costs, avoid it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a stupid thing to get involved with. | ||
| But I think challenging can be a subtle thing, too. | ||
| When I'm walking through New York City all those years, if I'd be in the fucking Lower East Side late at night, three black guys coming from the other direction, not to be racist, but the fucking reality is... | ||
| I can't believe you went there, Gregory. | ||
| ...three black guys walking past me in a bad neighborhood, you fucking cross the street, that's dangerous. | ||
| You've got to walk right at them. | ||
| You can't make eye contact, but you don't look away. | ||
| There's a subtle way that people know how to live in cities. | ||
| And if you fuck that up, you become a victim exponentially more. | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| That's what I mean by challenge. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you mean by that. | ||
| I agree with that, definitely. | ||
| What I meant is people start unnecessary altercations. | ||
| I run. | ||
| I just take off and run. | ||
| Just turn around? | ||
| I see a black guy on a sidewalk. | ||
| You probably could outrun a black guy. | ||
| God, was that racist, what I just said? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, because you're just admitting that white people are scared of black people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm more scared of black people than white people. | ||
| I can tell you, I mean, if you want to be fucking totally, rip myself open and be honest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I am. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I think physically more black people can kick my ass, but I think there's more white serial killers. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Serial. | ||
| You're going serial. | ||
| I'm with Greg. | ||
| I think white people are just as creepy. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| I think my fear comes from what I look like. | ||
| I think that as a white guy who's not big with a receding hairline, I think I look like somebody that you could fuck with more. | ||
| And I think especially for black people, I look... | ||
| And it's not true, but in my head, in my fucked up view of things... | ||
| I think that they're seeing me that way. | ||
| I'm putting that on them. | ||
| Well, that could get you in trouble, man. | ||
| I got robbed by a black guy, so I immediately think that. | ||
| You never got robbed by a white guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never got a gun in front of a white guy. | ||
| I mean, I've only been robbed once, so... | ||
| Hopefully in the future it's a white person and then an Asian person and then a Mexican. | ||
| So you have a multi-racial profile of people who've offended you. | ||
| Don't even put that out there, man. | ||
| It'll come back to you like the secret. | ||
| He's going to start hanging around in Chinatown late at night until he gets robbed there. | ||
| Drunk. | ||
| Pants down. | ||
| Where am I going? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I keep forgetting. | ||
| Can you give me directions? | ||
| I'm totally lost. | ||
| Here, I'll give you money. | ||
| How many dudes are out there doing that right now? | ||
| How many dudes are out there just fake drunk? | ||
| In Chinatown? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I am so drunk. | ||
| I might just do anything right now. | ||
| Pretending to pass out after they let the guy fuck him. | ||
| A cop comes over and sees it. | ||
| You want to report this? | ||
| No, no, I'm good. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| How many times do you think cops interrupt blowjobs on a given night in Los Angeles? | ||
| It's amazing because they don't even hide. | ||
| I mean, you see prostitutes just bobbing up and down. | ||
| Oh, I wasn't saying prostitutes. | ||
| I was saying someone just getting crazy in the car. | ||
| Have you ever seen people do that? | ||
| I saw a girl giving head while driving down Pacific in Venice. | ||
| I'm driving home from dinner with my wife, and we're at a red light, and I point to my wife, and the dude is driving an SUV, and all you see is this head, and they're higher than us. | ||
| I can only see the top of the head bobbing up and down. | ||
| And I look at the guy, and he looks at me, and I'm expecting a fucking thumbs up. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Just looks at me, looks straight ahead, head's bobbing, and to this day... | ||
| He's probably trying to keep his boner. | ||
| This was five or six years ago. | ||
| To this day, every time we're driving down Pacific at that spot, I go... | ||
| Remember the time? | ||
| She's like, yes! | ||
| I fucking remember! | ||
| He was probably scared that you were going to try to honk and ruin his blowjob. | ||
| He was panicking. | ||
| He felt the conflict. | ||
| The eye-to-eye conflict. | ||
| He was losing his edge. | ||
| That's what the porn stars say when they start to lose their boner. | ||
| They lose their edge. | ||
| I wonder what that guy did at dinner. | ||
| Because if I'm on fire at dinner, I put the napkin on my head, I'm getting laughs, whatever. | ||
| Then I'm driving home. | ||
| She might hold my hand and I get some sense that there's going to be action. | ||
| But how good was he at dinner that she fucking started bobbing up and down on him? | ||
| I don't even think it was dinner, the one that I saw. | ||
| I saw it was in the middle of the day. | ||
| It was, oddly enough, with Kevin James. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there was a dude, and he was right beside us. | ||
| And Kevin spotted it first. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit. | ||
| And Kevin was going to hit the horde, and I talked about hitting the horde. | ||
| He was just joking. | ||
| But the guy saw us and gave us a thumbs up. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| That's appropriate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy saw us and went like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he pointed to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was pretty funny. | ||
| Dude, that was my closing bit. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| For fucking years. | ||
| It was like, ladies, you've never seen this before, but here's what we do when you give us a blowjob. | ||
| And then I just start pumping my fists in the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And doing that. | ||
| I closed. | ||
| I was so embarrassed how long I closed. | ||
| That was like first year. | ||
| First year. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons. | ||
| That killed, man. | ||
| It fucking killed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Do you ever go back and think about some of the shit that you said when you were on stage? | ||
| You go, what the fuck? | ||
| You know, Jim Florentine just put out a CD called My First Notebook. | ||
| And it's shit that he was so embarrassed he used to do. | ||
| He found an old notebook. | ||
| He went out and he did all of it in a club. | ||
| He's putting it out on a CD. Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| And he's promoting it going like, I don't know why anybody would buy this. | ||
| This is fucking horrible. | ||
| That's brilliant! | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Well, that's not brilliant for everybody. | ||
| A lot of people go, oh, this fucking material blows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But for a guy like me, it's brilliant. | ||
| Well, I think it would be interesting to people in the same way that you hear Bruce Springsteen, there's these tapes. | ||
| They just call them the tapes, the album. | ||
| And it was when he auditioned the first time. | ||
| He drove in from New Jersey in a fucking broken-down pinto, brought his acoustic guitar in, and started playing... | ||
| Mary Queen of Arkansas and all these amazing fucking songs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Acoustic with different chord structures, different pitches. | ||
| And it's like, it's fucking, it's not as good, but you're riveted because you're like, wow, this is the fucking sketch that led to this masterpiece. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So, I mean, not that that would be the equivalent with stand-up, but I think it would be interesting for people to hear maybe what was the roots of a set they already know rather than just a bunch of shit you never did again. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, if they could hear it like after the fact, like this is what didn't make the cut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is how the bit evolved. | ||
| The problem is when those intermediate steps get online. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, when they already get on a YouTube clip or something like that, or you see it and you go, ah, but that's like the beginning of it. | ||
| It's just growing. | ||
| They're always growing up to a certain point, but there's that really fragile time for a bit when you're first doing it, or the first few times you're doing it on stage. | ||
| If one of those got online, you'd be like, ah, that That's a stupid version of that. | ||
| Well, because a lot of times you're talking around the joke. | ||
| You haven't figured out the bare-bones construction of it, and you're describing the joke that it later will become. | ||
| Yeah, that's a very good way of putting it. | ||
| But I think what a lot of people don't know that are watching stand-up comedy is that while you're doing it, you know, you're... | ||
| You're barely even thinking about what you're doing. | ||
| You're almost like riding it. | ||
| You're almost like when you really lock it in. | ||
| You know that feeling you get when you're really killing? | ||
| Yeah, you're in the flow. | ||
| You don't even feel like you're a part of it. | ||
| Like, you're witnessing it all happen. | ||
| That's exactly what I was talking about with the happy thing. | ||
| That's the flow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's what, you know, the whole idea of being in the moment completely zen and locked into how the universe is expressing itself through whatever the fuck is going on. | ||
| Through either stand-up comedy or through music or through car racing. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is, man. | ||
| It's just that moment when it all works out, you know? | ||
| And you come off stage, there's nights you come off stage exhausted, those nights you come off with twice the energy as when you went on. | ||
| It's like you just soaked in all this energy and you just fucking ride it. | ||
| It can last a full day where you're just buzzing still. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird gig, you know, and the weird thing about you and I is that we've known each other since we first started. | ||
| You know, there's not that many guys from our little group. | ||
| There's you, me, McGuire. | ||
| Tom Cotter. | ||
| Tom Cotter. | ||
| Top three finalists. | ||
| America's Got Talent. | ||
| Powerful Tom Cotter. | ||
| Good luck to you, buddy. | ||
| I mean, there's not that many guys from that small group of open micers that we were in. | ||
| You think of open micers just like classes. | ||
| Like, this is the class of 1988. There's a class of 1989. And we were the 88 guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And every couple years, it was a very different brand of comedy that would come out. | ||
| Not very different, but enough that you could detect it. | ||
| Yeah, there was changes in trends. | ||
| What was that kid's name who was a... | ||
| Jonathan Maguire. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The guy who was a regular at Nick's Comedy Stop. | ||
| He was sort of like Nick DiPaolo, but... | ||
| Oh. | ||
| He became like their regular guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Fuck, he's funny as shit. | ||
| Funny as shit. | ||
| He never left Boston. | ||
| No, I forget his name. | ||
| Kills me. | ||
| He's still a killer, too. | ||
| He is a killer, and that's the thing about Boston, is the guys that have figured out the sort of formula that works in Boston but are also an original voice, it's just amazing how you can destroy, when it's a match of a comic versus a certain locale, like you take somebody when it's a match of a comic versus a certain locale, like you take somebody like David Cross and put him in San Francisco, boom, locked in, they're going to go | ||
| You go to, you know, Houston with somebody like, you know, like what Bill Hicks was. | ||
| You take a Southern act, you put him down. | ||
| Blue-collar guy, you put him in North Carolina. | ||
| But you take guys like Nick DiPaolo, or this guy, and you put him in Boston, and it's just, it's explosive what happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a match. | |
| I don't remember his name, and it's driving me fucking crazy. | ||
| I'm gonna get it. | ||
| He's a really funny guy, but he just stayed... | ||
| And I'm sure he does well in Boston. | ||
| Paul Nardizzi. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And I remember that kid was like the class, I think, of 89. I think he came a little bit after us, right? | ||
| He was 91. Was he really that much later? | ||
| Maybe 90. Because I was gone by, I think, 92, 91 or 92 I was gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Might have been 90. I might have left at the end of 90. Yeah, it was 91. 91? | |
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| But he was really, really fucking funny. | ||
| I'm sure he still is. | ||
| That guy was... | ||
| He was really good, man. | ||
| Just so edgy. | ||
| The shit just rips out of the mouth. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| And he was like a hammer attack dude who would just hammer you over and over again with another one. | ||
| Here's another punchline, another punchline. | ||
| That rapid-fire Boston... | ||
| The crowds in Boston were so hostile that you had to develop this really energetic, rapid-fire style. | ||
| You had to be leaning forward mentally. | ||
| You had to constantly be up. | ||
| There was no sitting on the stool. | ||
| Get the fuck off the stool! | ||
| Jesus, you're an entertainer! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There weren't long pauses. | ||
| I mean, you know, you start working the road and you learn the value of a nice, go get a sip of water, fucking let them sit. | ||
| They'll kill you. | ||
| But not in Boston. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Stay on the horse. | ||
| Attack you. | ||
| But it's also the, you know, I find it a very Irish thing is that You don't deserve to feel good or have any pride. | ||
| And so Boston is about stripping it away from you. | ||
| So every joke is about, you know, I go to the fucking toll booth and the guy, I hand him a 20. He goes, you got change? | ||
| No! | ||
| That's your fucking job. | ||
| Your job is to make fucking change. | ||
| I give you a 20. It's just like any fucking entitlement is just fucking knocking in a cold way. | ||
| Just knock the shit out of you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like immediately. | ||
| And there was no dissent. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| 100% right. | ||
| There was no entertaining another side to an issue. | ||
| Cambridge was an odd sort of a club. | ||
| Do you remember Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge? | ||
| Greatest fucking club ever, maybe. | ||
| Top three. | ||
| That was a great club that was run by a psycho! | ||
| Robin... | ||
| Robin Horton. | ||
| Yeah, he was quite a character. | ||
| But he loved comedy. | ||
| He loved a certain type of comedy. | ||
| He hated me, but he loved comedy. | ||
| He called me... | ||
| You go in and you audition for the guy, you do 10 minutes, and then at the end of it, he tells you right away, he goes, no, or yes. | ||
| And he said, no to me. | ||
| And I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I've always had very thick skin. | ||
| I go, well... | ||
| I'd like, why? | ||
| And he goes, well, I can either tell you no or we can go in the back and sit down and I can tell you exactly why. | ||
| I said, yeah, let's go in the back. | ||
| First words out of his mouth. | ||
| As far as I'm concerned, you're just another cocky little Irish puke. | ||
| That was the beginning. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's fucking racist. | ||
| Yeah, he didn't get racist with me, but he said that I am everything that he hates about comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He goes, what you do is everything I hate about comedy. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| And I said, oh, okay. | ||
| Well, I guess then we don't like the same things. | ||
| And then we had this weird stare down where he was a big guy. | ||
| Thick motherfucker. | ||
| He was a big guy. | ||
| I didn't want to tangle with him. | ||
| I didn't want to have to scrap with him. | ||
| But it was an intimidation moment. | ||
| It wasn't a comfortable moment. | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| It wasn't like this is a smart, friendly guy who should be managing a comedy club and influencing comedians. | ||
| Everything had this heavy leftist bent to it. | ||
| Everything had this Harvard socialized... | ||
| Socialist, yeah. | ||
| Well, Barry Crimmins would sit at the bar, and if he didn't like what you were doing, he would yell shit out at you like he was the dean of the club. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| They were best friends. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And I love Barry Crimmins. | ||
| He's a fucking brilliant political guy. | ||
| But back then he was drinking a lot and those guys were on a mission to create a place that they thought was fertile for this type of comedy. | ||
| I was at Catch before I ever did stand up with a friend of mine from high school. | ||
| Diane DeRosa. | ||
| Nice girl. | ||
| We're just buddies. | ||
| Sitting in the club. | ||
| And your boy, Kevin Meaney, went on stage. | ||
| This was before I ever got on stage myself. | ||
| And this was when Kevin Meaney was on fire. | ||
| Kevin Meaney was a fucking crusher, dude. | ||
| Crusher. | ||
| Crusher. | ||
| And you didn't understand what he was talking about with his big pants. | ||
| We're big pants people! | ||
| And you'd be crying laughing. | ||
| It was so ridiculous. | ||
| And I remember leaving thinking, God, I knew he was funny because I'd seen him on TV before. | ||
| He did like five Tonight Shows that year. | ||
| Yeah, but nothing like seeing him live. | ||
| It's such a completely different experience seeing a guy like that live. | ||
| Because he's like, the silliness is not that contagious when it comes to the TV. But when you're in front of that dude, he was fucking crushing. | ||
| It's hard to describe. | ||
| I saw him in that same club, probably on, I don't know if it was the same weekend. | ||
| It must have been close. | ||
| That's that era. | ||
| But when he came in, the place was fucking jammed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he went up there sweating in a bow tie and a jacket. | ||
| I don't care! | ||
| And to this day, I say, when people say, who's the best comedian? | ||
| I say, nobody has ever made me laugh as hard in one set as Kevin Manning. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a good statement. | ||
| I stand by it. | ||
| I believe you 100%. | ||
| It's too far of a distant memory for me to say that mine was just as good. | ||
| But I remember being blown away by how funny it was. | ||
| It was just so long ago. | ||
| I mean, I think it was like 18 or something. | ||
| Part of it was... | ||
| He's silly, and he would sing that song, I Don't Care. | ||
| And that was his theme. | ||
| He was going to be this ridiculous, a rip-fucking-torn kind of a character. | ||
| Rip Taylor? | ||
| Rip Torn, I think it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rip Taylor? | |
| No, Rip Taylor was the guy who threw confetti and acted crazy. | ||
| It was like a little bit of an element of that, mixed with a guy who really understood stand-up comedy. | ||
| Yeah, he was fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, he was at my wedding party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He was one of my ushers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, I grew up in one town over from him, and my dad got him on stage his very first time, because my dad was a big radio guy in New York. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Kevin was a waiter and waited on my dad, and it would be funny. | ||
| And my dad said, you should do stand-up, and he was friends with the guy at Catch, and he got him on stage his first time. | ||
| I remember when we were open micers, I always thought that was really fucking cool. | ||
| Like, holy shit, Fitzsimmons actually knows Kevin Meaney. | ||
| Like, you actually knew Kevin Meaney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when you'd have problems or when you were going through things, you would ask, like, Kevin Meaney questions. | ||
| I remember several times having conversations where you were dispensing, like, wisdom that Kevin Meaney told you about stand-up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And we were talking about it, like, okay, yeah, okay, that makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, those early years when you're such a blind, blabbering fucking moron up there trying to, like, you know, hand-feel your way through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Help me! | |
| Help me! | ||
| Yeah, I got... | ||
| Powerful C2O coconut water in the house. | ||
| Yeah, it was a time when I really needed a mentor, and he wasn't a guy that brought me on the road opening for him all the time. | ||
| It was just more of, like you said, I could call him anytime, and here was a guy who was this hot, one hour special on HBO, Uncle Buck comes out, all the money in the world, and I come out to LA and stay with him. | ||
| He bought a Chrysler K car. | ||
| That's the kind of guy he was. | ||
| Fucking business. | ||
| Underneath all the silliness, he was a conservative, simple guy. | ||
| So his advice on comedy, I especially respected because I could see this guy was going the distance. | ||
| This wasn't a guy who was hot and was going to flail out. | ||
| But to this day, he's still out there fucking banging it out. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Now he's out of the closet. | ||
| Now he's gay. | ||
| Now he's really banging it out. | ||
| Banging it in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Out. | |
| I didn't know that he was... | ||
| I mean, it wasn't one of those things where I was like, duh. | ||
| You know, I thought he was straight. | ||
| I thought he was straight, too. | ||
| He'd been married, too, right? | ||
| What do I give a fuck? | ||
| What am I, the inquirer? | ||
| Married with a kid. | ||
| No, but not only that. | ||
| Married, he met a woman out in L.A., fell in love with her, and called me. | ||
| It was my babysitter who lived next door to me growing up. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Fucking weird as that. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How old was she? | ||
| She's probably seven, eight years older than me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Harvard, MBA, real fucking successful type A personality. | ||
| And yeah, my dad had died. | ||
| To be a fly on that wall. | ||
| There were a lot. | ||
| To be a fly on that wall. | ||
| That's my Gene Simmons impression. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is that what he says? | ||
| Got a dodo stuck in my ass. | ||
| To be a fly on that wall. | ||
| Does he currently have a show? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| We were trying to get a campaign to have him apologize to Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Bert Kreischer was on the X show with him that Gene Simmons was on, and he said Gene Simmons treated him more horribly than any human being he'd ever met in his life. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And Bert said that it was just like demoralizing because he was a huge Kiss fan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a huge Kiss fan who was just literally... | ||
| And if you know Bert, look, I've known Bert since... | ||
| I met him back then, but I've been friends with him for a couple years now. | ||
| He's just a... | ||
| Fun, wild dude. | ||
| And if you misread him, you might go, oh, look at this annoying guy, man. | ||
| I'm trying to relax before my performance, man. | ||
| And so he apparently was super rude to Bert, which we can't have. | ||
| Well, I mean, that's not a surprise. | ||
| Isn't he kind of known for being nice? | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| He's known. | ||
| But I met him and he was really nice. | ||
| You know, so it makes me... | ||
| Yeah, but you know what that is? | ||
| That's a guy who treats different people different ways. | ||
| Different status, people get a different treatment. | ||
| Which is worse than just being a douche all the time. | ||
| I wish I could have a personal experience to share, other than the positive one, but... | ||
| Meeting him was awesome. | ||
| He came to my comedy show. | ||
| Him and his wife and his kid. | ||
| His kid had got my shiny Happy Jihad CD from iTunes. | ||
| He really liked it. | ||
| Is this thing fucking up again, Brian? | ||
| It's just kind of wonky. | ||
| We'll switch it back. | ||
| Anyway, he was really cool. | ||
| His whole family was cool. | ||
| They came through New Year's at the improv. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| But, you know, when you hear a story like that, where someone's like super rude to a guy like Burt, and you're like, oh man, that's so hard to hear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because every now and then you hear a story, yeah man, I met Patrick Swayze once, he was a fucking douchebag. | ||
| And you're like, was he really? | ||
| Are you really annoying? | ||
| Which one is it? | ||
| Because it might be that you might be really annoying. | ||
| And somewhere along the line, you might have decided that he upset your feelings. | ||
| Have you ever had those weird people who feel slighted? | ||
| Those artificially slighted people? | ||
| yeah well they're looking for it because we're storytellers and we all want to go back to our town or back to our friends and go hey I met Joe Rogan and they're going to go really what was he like and the truth is He said hi to you. | ||
| You shook his hand. | ||
| Maybe he said three words. | ||
| And then somebody else did. | ||
| Now, they got to fucking pull from that a story for their friends. | ||
| So if there's a hint of you being dismissive, they're going to blow it out because then they've got a connection to you. | ||
| Or he was the greatest fucking guy in the world, which I never want to fall into that camp either. | ||
| I go hang out after shows. | ||
| You want to be the second greatest guy in the world. | ||
| I want to be the guy that I'll take a picture with you. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| Don't put your arm around me while your girlfriend figures out how to snap a photo on your phone for the first fucking time. | ||
| Are you scared of hugging people, Gregory? | ||
| Just give that fella a big hug like this. | ||
| I don't mind the hug. | ||
| You know what I don't like is the armpit on my shoulder. | ||
| Oh, it gets nasty. | ||
| The tall guy with the armpit on my shoulder. | ||
| When you feel the sweat, you kind of just deal, man. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| The guy's, he's funking on you. | ||
| And I bet your girl can smell it. | ||
| I bet it's some sort of a primal thing, too. | ||
| Especially if homeboy doesn't have any deodorant. | ||
| Like, if you come home and you're around your wife, she probably feels like you got conquered. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| A man on you. | ||
| There's a man on your shoulder. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Or she doesn't notice. | ||
| She just wants to fuck you, but she doesn't know why. | ||
| How weird are primal smells? | ||
| I mean, isn't that what puts women on the coinciding menstrual cycle? | ||
| Isn't it a hormonal thing? | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| I believe it is. | ||
| I want to say it is. | ||
| I might be wrong, but I mean, how primal are we? | ||
| Women get around each other. | ||
| Their menstrual cycles all coincide. | ||
| So if they all get banged, they all raise their kids together so the kids have friends. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's my theory. | ||
| Isn't there a thing about how your sperm count raises... | ||
| Looking at houses? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| What are you doing, man? | ||
| I'm looking to see what the comments are while I'm listening. | ||
| The comments? | ||
| But your sperm count goes up when you're traveling or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| You're ready to conquer in a new land. | ||
| Your body knows it's not around, it's not all smell, and your dick gets hard when you go to pick up your spear. | ||
| You're traveling. | ||
| You're going to war. | ||
| I'm going to kill and fuck. | ||
| I'll be home in three days. | ||
| How many people are programmed that way? | ||
| How many people from the life in Roman times were programmed to kill and fuck? | ||
| Kill and fuck at the same time sometimes. | ||
| It must be really hard to work that culture out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Calm that culture down. | ||
| I mean, we're talking about the amount of violence that we see on a regular basis. | ||
| Pretty fucking minimal. | ||
| It can be pretty horrific in certain places. | ||
| But in America, pretty minimal compared to what it would be like if this was the sword fighting days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like on a regular basis, people had to deal with some shit that we couldn't even fucking begin to wrap our heads around with. | ||
| Yeah, it was really about power. | ||
| It was what can I take? | ||
| They would do it with swords. | ||
| They would run into a city with swords and chop everything up and take all the people and take their gold and fuck all their women. | ||
| I mean, nutty shit happens in the world. | ||
| Well, it was like in nature. | ||
| You destroy your... | ||
| If you are competing with somebody for a food source, if you're an insect, you will start to kill the other insect or you will find a way to destroy the food source for them so that they die. | ||
| But it's that weird thing when people get into tribes, especially, where they become really synchronized as this tribe. | ||
| This is us, and we're going to go after them. | ||
| They never even would consider the idea of taking them into their ranks. | ||
| Like, hey, listen, we're just going to go plunder. | ||
| Would you guys like to come with us? | ||
| We could be a big army. | ||
| We could all get together. | ||
| Well, they'll take them as slaves, but they never take them on as equals. | ||
| I mean, there was a lot of slaveholding back then. | ||
| You conquered and you fucked the women and you took the dudes and said, you're my slave now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, how many people had to live their life like that? | ||
| A lot, right? | ||
| That was for... | ||
| How many years did that kind of shit go on in this world? | ||
| Well, the Old Testament, the whole fucking book talks about slavery like it's not even a sin. | ||
| It's in... | ||
| Actually, the seventh commandment is thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, thy neighbor's house, thy neighbor's donkey, or thy neighbor's manservant. | ||
| It's a commandment that recognizes slavery. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Wrap your fucking head around the Bible, baby. | ||
| Wrap your head around that. | ||
| It's funny how people choose to believe in parts of it. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| And the wording of parts of it. | ||
| As if it wasn't translated from ancient Hebrew to Hebrew to Roman to fucking English. | ||
| And you're going to tell me about the subtlety of the way he said gay people shouldn't lie together? | ||
| 2,000 years later? | ||
| My favorite is when people tattoo biblical quotes on their body. | ||
| It's like, you're really not supposed to do that. | ||
| It says it in the Bible. | ||
| You're not supposed to get a tattoo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but I don't think Jesus meant it that much. | |
| I also think it might fall under the first commandment, or is the second, about thou shalt not have graven images. | ||
| You should not have representations of God. | ||
| And I think by extension, why do we have fucking crosses with Jesus hanging off the wall of the tree? | ||
| Isn't that kind of covered by extension on the second commandment? | ||
| Do we want to see his fucking bloody corpse? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's a very strange practice to look at that all the time, you know, and the idea that you're being reminded of the deity, the one perfect being that existed, oh, thousands of years ago, and since then his followers have reverted to pedophilia and fucking craziness and fear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know this comic that has a cross on his arm, and I'm not friends with him, but he always wears those elastic band things on his arm just to cover it up so no one knows. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Why doesn't he get it removed? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, get a cover-up. | ||
| Maybe he still likes it, he's just hiding it from comics. | ||
| Oh, well, could be that. | ||
| Some people get ashamed of being religious. | ||
| A lot of fighters get religious. | ||
| It's like he gives them something to really lean back on, you know, something to give them strength. | ||
| And, you know, I've always said that I don't have any fucking idea whether there's a god. | ||
| I'm not a religious person, but I leave anything up to the idea of possibility. | ||
| I think anything could be possible. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Well, it depends on your definition of God, but to think that there's not some power that orchestrated The miracle of, you know, like regenerating DNA, all that shit. | ||
| You know, to think that there's not something that can tell you that I know how big the moon is going to be, at what point in the sky in fucking 50 years and be right. | ||
| You know, give me a fucking break. | ||
| Whatever you want to call that, I think that I always just default to nature is God and fill in the details later when I know more. | ||
| Well, it could very well be that there is an intelligence to all of nature that we're just not capable of tuning into. | ||
| It could very well be that trees and all sorts of different parts of nature have some sort of intelligence. | ||
| It doesn't translate into words. | ||
| It doesn't translate into... | ||
| You know, certain noises that we recognize with certain images and certain meanings. | ||
| It could be some other form of intelligence. | ||
| It's super possible that the reason why we exist in this ever-changing world and this world is being more and more hostile to people is that it kind of recognizes us as a threat. | ||
| If you have to think of this system has got to be prepared for everything. | ||
| There's a reason why certain animals eat other animals and certain diseases kill certain percentages of the people. | ||
| There's like this crazy corrective system that goes on on Earth. | ||
| And we agree with that up until it gets to people. | ||
| We don't ever want to think that Earth could ever look at us like we might be some fucking cold that it has. | ||
| And that the more we pull the fucking fish out of the ocean and throw our garbage in it, and the more we pollute the sky and change the temperature of it and fuck the whole balance of it up and artificially change the levels of certain things in the environment, we should expect that the Earth is going to respond to this change accordingly. | ||
| It's going to try to push back. | ||
| I mean, if it is intelligent, if there's some real method to the whole idea of this whole thing evolving from a hot ball of rock and lava and then somehow or another acquiring water and somehow or another cooling down and rolling it. | ||
| Just extrapolating into more matters and more elements and more life forms. | ||
| Yeah, it's dynamic. | ||
| You just keep going and going and going. | ||
| And it goes back to the turn of the 19th century. | ||
| There was a lot of... | ||
| A social scientist in England, Mills, talked about population naturally controls itself. | ||
| Wars, disease, that there is an actual healthy number of people to be on the earth. | ||
| And because of science, we've been able to just completely fucking hyper-bloat that number of people to the point where we've staved off a natural correction. | ||
| We haven't had war, any real war, in a long time. | ||
| We haven't had... | ||
| Any fucking plague in a long time. | ||
| You know, the plague during World War I, 1970, killed one out of three people in Europe. | ||
| Well, the war and the plague together. | ||
| And, you know, if we had that now, they'd lose their shit. | ||
| People can't even imagine a devastation. | ||
| They don't think it's possible. | ||
| Whereas, numerically, it's beyond possible. | ||
| It's way overdue. | ||
| Well, there was a supervolcano warning today. | ||
| Somewhere... | ||
| God, I want to say... | ||
| Oh, I have that app. | ||
| I want to say... | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I want to say somewhere in the South Pacific. | ||
| I don't really remember, but there was a warning not to travel to this particular area because there's been some volcanic activity. | ||
| Maybe someone will let me know what the fuck it is on Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But we had a couple earthquakes in California last week. | ||
| We had hundreds, right? | ||
| Wasn't it hundreds? | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's an area in Yellowstone where they have thousands of earthquakes a year. | ||
| Thousands. | ||
| You sure that's not just Yogi Bear chasing after? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, boo-boo! | |
| Hey, boo-boo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boo-boo, what is that? | |
| Another guy got killed by a bear in Alaska. | ||
| And that's where you're going. | ||
| Yes, my friend. | ||
| Into the heart of darkness. | ||
| The guy who got killed by the bear was out there photographing it, standing near it, way closer than what they tell you to. | ||
| He was within 50 yards, like you should never get within 50 yards. | ||
| 50 yards? | ||
| Yeah, that's healthy. | ||
| That seems far. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, you should be far as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, you shouldn't be close. | ||
| Because most likely you'll be fine. | ||
| But if you get too close to a bear and he decides for whatever reason that he hasn't eaten in a while and he might see if you're edible, if he's desperate, you can catch a desperate bear. | ||
| Especially late in the year, like when it gets close to like December. | ||
| You know, some of those bears are still walking around. | ||
| Those are the dangerous ones because they're not stuffed yet. | ||
| They're not ready to hibernate. | ||
| That's how that grizzly man guy got got. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He went wandering around out there after it was like post-season when most of the healthy bears were already in harbination. | ||
| It's like being in Faneuil Hall at 2 in the morning when the bars get out. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If you're not home, you're dangerous. | ||
| Last chance. | ||
| Last chance for romance. | ||
| You didn't get laid and now you're going to look for a fight. | ||
| That's what would happen at 2.15. | ||
| That one little, what is it, a fast food place? | ||
| Is it a McDonald's that's on the corner of that? | ||
| It was by that hotel that we used to stay at. | ||
| We'd go to Faneuil Hall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember that place that we worked at, the Comedy Connection? | ||
| It was a chain. | ||
| I remember the thing was McDonald's. | ||
| No, Wendy's. | ||
| It was a Wendy's. | ||
| It was McDonald's. | ||
| Ari and Brian walked there and almost got in a fight. | ||
| Yeah, like twice and just waiting in line. | ||
| Everywhere I go, I was like, you know, I didn't like Boston the first like three, two times we went there because we kept on going to that comedy club in that area. | ||
| It's the, well they call it the combat zone. | ||
| It's like one Yeah, it was awful. | ||
| And then the last time we went somewhere else, we stayed in this really nice hotel and they were filming a movie and there was all these actors in it. | ||
| But it was like a totally different experience. | ||
| It was like being in New York almost. | ||
| Yeah, we were at the Connection in Fanny Hall. | ||
| It wasn't in the comments. | ||
| It wasn't next. | ||
| But the Connection was... | ||
| The Wilbur is actually... | ||
| It's a way cooler set. | ||
| It's a beautiful environment and everything like that. | ||
| But that area is not the dangerous area it was when we were doing stand-up. | ||
| People don't understand. | ||
| They have four seasons there now. | ||
| It's a gorgeous area. | ||
| When we were coming up and standing up, it was the combat zone. | ||
| You would walk over there, there would be hookers, it was scary, you'd see people smoking crack, you would see peep show booths, and they slowly squeezed all that shit out. | ||
| That was like our one seedy area. | ||
| I remember I could always park on the street because nobody would park on the street. | ||
| That's why I had a piece of shit because my window got smashed so many fucking times, you were just used to it. | ||
| Yeah, that area around Nick's, man, your fucking car got broken into all the time. | ||
| Unless you got a spot on that street. | ||
| Warrington Street. | ||
| On Warrington Street. | ||
| When you would go around that little side area where the connection was, the old connection, and go down to the end where Nick's was, every now and then you'd catch a spot. | ||
| You'd get super fucking lucky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That whole area's a gay bar now. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| A techno gay. | ||
| Poppers. | ||
| Poppers! | ||
| Poppers! | ||
| How much was the cover? | ||
| It became like a really hot game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me get in the back door. | |
| You went with the back door line, Fitzsimmons! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| But yeah, that area, at one point in time, there was two comedy clubs in the same theater, the same area, where the connection was. | ||
| There was the connection, and then above it, Mike Clark had a place. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| I don't remember Mike Clark's place. | ||
| Yeah, he had some sort of a comedy club. | ||
| It wasn't for a long time. | ||
| It was in the same theater that they used to do. | ||
| They had some long-ass running show. | ||
| One of those fucking... | ||
| Oh, you're talking about above the original comedy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Upstairs, they had some kind of a nuns. | ||
| One of those nuns fucking shows. | ||
| Yeah, nuns on the run or some fucking shit. | ||
| Nonsense or some bullshit. | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's it. | |
| Nonsense. | ||
| Nonsanity. | ||
| And then down the street, you had Nick's, which had three different rooms. | ||
| This is 50 yards away. | ||
| Yeah, 50 yards away. | ||
| They had an upstairs, and then they had two downstairs. | ||
| One smaller room, and then one that was like a disco. | ||
| You remember the disco room that didn't really make it? | ||
| They got rid of the disco after a while. | ||
| It was like too crazy. | ||
| But guys would do that, and then across the street, there was the fucking Duck Soup. | ||
| At what's now the Wilbur Theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Duck Soup was the idea of Billy Downs and Paul Barkley had this idea to put a super upscale comedy club and put it in Boston right there and charge more money and have only clean comedians. | ||
| And it didn't work. | ||
| It didn't work, but then you're forgetting Dick Daugherty had a room. | ||
| If you walked then across the street and through a mini mall, there was the comedy vault, which had been a bank. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And the fucking room was, the vault was still there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you would stand in this little fucking room that was a bank, and it was a sweet little room. | ||
| It's a great room. | ||
| But I mean, so you're talking about within, literally within a quarter of a mile, you had three, four, five, six comedy rooms, and they were all good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| We're becoming those annoying old dudes who keep repeating stories about the glory days. | ||
| But what people don't understand is just how... | ||
| By the way, that's a meme. | ||
| What people don't understand, because I always say that when I don't know exactly what I'm going to say next, is that the scene was just... | ||
| To us now, today, looking back on it, you see what's around today. | ||
| It was such a spectacular scene. | ||
| It was just the most amazing scene for developing as a comedian. | ||
| Did you read the book Outliers? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's this book about how people like Bill Gates came about at a certain time. | ||
| They had a certain gift that wasn't necessarily a good thing. | ||
| I think Gates is mildly Asperger-y. | ||
| He was born in the Santa Cruz area, just as the tech thing was exploding. | ||
| I think it was Santa Cruz, whatever, the UC college had the first mainframe computer. | ||
| As a teenager, he was going in there and writing programs. | ||
| So he was at the beginning of a wave with the exact personality type, and he carried it through and became something that you can't do again. | ||
| Howard Stern was an outlier with radio. | ||
| He became the guy who did all the things you weren't supposed to do in radio. | ||
| Badmouth other people. | ||
| Be dirty. | ||
| Self-aggrandize. | ||
| And all of a sudden, this wave of syndication of radio stations came about and he fucking caught that wave and took, and with talent. | ||
| This is talent, God-given fucking, you know, a weird recipe for what matches the demands of that time and being in front of the explosion that happens. | ||
| And I believe that we were very much in the outlier spot of stand-up comedy by being in Boston at that time. | ||
| It was a very unusual environment, for sure. | ||
| It's sad that it doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| It's when Franz Salomita put out that documentary, when stand-up stood out. | ||
| And it's really interesting, but I think he kind of nailed it, is that the scene was fantastic until people started making it. | ||
| When everybody just wanted to be funny. | ||
| You were one of the first ones. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| I remember Joe Rogan, because everybody's back there going, but you hear Joe moves in New York. | ||
| Dude, he gets to do the prom shows at Dangerfields. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was literally like, people were like, holy shit! | |
| Well, I'm just saying in steps. | ||
| And then Joe Rogan just signed with Jeff Sussman. | ||
| Then all of a sudden, Joe Rogan just got a $100,000 deal with Disney. | ||
| And we knew every detail of your fucking career because nobody had done that before. | ||
| Nobody from our class... | ||
| Had gone anywhere, really, except like, you know, I remember Bud Friedman came to Boston and did a showcase to do Evening at the Improv, and it was like, for months, we were fucking obsessed with our set, and a couple people got it out of it, and that was our closest brush to show business, until you all of a sudden got on this fucking track, and it was like, wow, you can do that from this? | ||
| So you ruined everything that was real. | ||
| Well, everybody thought for some reason that the only way you would ever get on TV is if you were clean. | ||
| And I thought the only way I would ever want to do comedy is if I was funny. | ||
| So I knew I wasn't good. | ||
| And because I wasn't good, my dirty comedy wasn't – it was unbearable. | ||
| Because it's like not as it just – not as it offensive. | ||
| Not only is it offensive, but it's also bad. | ||
| It's bad and offensive, which is like way worse. | ||
| That's how you look at it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, in the beginning, I think. | ||
| I think, you know, it took a while for me to figure out how to do it right, how to do shit that I actually thought was funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I knew I could never do it clean. | ||
| I just wasn't going to try. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just was like, nope. | ||
| I'll scratch together some little five-minute sets here and there, but that seems crazy. | ||
| Like, why would I do that? | ||
| Why would I limit what I'm thinking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It just seems like that's like step one to fucking yourself. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I just got lucky that it worked. | ||
| It didn't have to work. | ||
| It could have skid off into the fucking woods and I could have become some kind of a road drunk. | ||
| That's the thing about that time though. | ||
| There was no road map for it and that's what an outlier is. | ||
| It's like you're a pioneer in the sense that you're breaking the rules and yet you're rising up faster than anybody else because things change and there becomes the needs and the demands of the marketplace for whatever it is you do. | ||
| They change very quickly. | ||
| They're dynamic. | ||
| It's why we have variation in species. | ||
| It's Darwinism. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've also felt like when anything happens to you that's good, then you actually believe that good things can happen. | ||
| For me, it's like believing that something good can happen. | ||
| All I could think of was, well, if I keep working at this, more good things can happen. | ||
| I'm on a roll, and I don't want to stop this roll. | ||
| And so I think, you know, when you're a young guy and, you know, your life has been like kind of like half sketchy, filled with a lot of fucking failures, all relationship failures, all just different failures that you go through. | ||
| and then you're on stage and you're trying to do comedy. | ||
| Just trying to make sense of that aspect of your past. | ||
| When you look back on your life of being an open-miker and the wild experience of trying to fucking do that for a living, it doesn't even feel like it's you, does it? | ||
| Doesn't it feel like it's a lie? | ||
| It feels like you're accessing memories that were copied a hundred times over and they're real shitty and you're like, I think it was this guy... | ||
| Larry Rapucci? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, Larry Rapucci. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, and I think I wore shirts that had zippers going down the arms. | ||
| And I think I had a mullet, and I think I did a joke about what I do when girls are blowing me. | ||
| And I also look at it like limitless fucking energy and passion. | ||
| I would tape every set. | ||
| Rewrite it. | ||
| I would fucking drive. | ||
| Me and you, we would drive all over the fucking place. | ||
| It was... | ||
| There was no limit. | ||
| And then I'd get up at the crack of dawn and do fucking banquet waitering and then I would go audition for some cold call bullshit downtown. | ||
| I mean, it was not like now where I gotta pace myself, pick my battles. | ||
| Back then it was, no, every fucking battle, I'm in. | ||
| Yeah, and somewhere along the line, I think, as a stand-up comedian, you forget that this was a terrifying time. | ||
| Like, those times that you talk about were terrifying. | ||
| But... | ||
| Might have been the most exciting moments of your life. | ||
| I mean, the first couple of sets that you do that are good, that feeling when you're like, holy fucking shit, I think I'm onto something. | ||
| And then you become obsessed. | ||
| You want to write things down everywhere you go. | ||
| Because I went to college, and to me it was like... | ||
| I was told what to do and how to think for four years. | ||
| There were tests on a set of information I was supposed to learn and internalize and believe. | ||
| Then you're going to stand up and it's a blank slate. | ||
| It's what do you think? | ||
| What do you believe? | ||
| And you make that work. | ||
| And all of a sudden I felt in a way like that made me grow up in six months more than I did in four years in college because it was all my creation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of the most important things about really finding yourself is putting something down and then being able to look at it and go, I got that. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| This is an actual thing that I did. | ||
| Like here it is. | ||
| I put it down and then you can move on from it. | ||
| So easy. | ||
| So much more easy. | ||
| You get more momentum. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever read The War of Art, a Steven Pressfield book? | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| The War of Art. | ||
| No, you told me about that once. | ||
| Dude, I got a copy for you. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, Brian, reach out to me. | ||
| By the way, I want to, on the air, thank Joe Rogan for one of the best gifts I've gotten in the last fucking ten years. | ||
| A beautiful, I'm going to mispronounce the name. | ||
| Ariel Carmeli. | ||
| Ariel Carmeli Pool Q. And I am a pool fanatic my whole life, and I haven't had a pool Q in about 15 years. | ||
| They're under that shelf, Brian, down there. | ||
| There's two books down there. | ||
| See him? | ||
| It's the war of art. | ||
| They're in the corner. | ||
| Can you reach it or no? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You yoga-doing bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't even see him. | |
| Alright, I'll find it. | ||
| I'll give it to you after the show. | ||
| Remind me. | ||
| They're right there. | ||
| He just can't reach over. | ||
| He's impossible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm impossible. | |
| I bet if there was a cock down there, he could reach over. | ||
| Oh yeah, he would already be sucking it. | ||
| He'd already be... | ||
| No, Brian, it's okay. | ||
| Don't get it. | ||
| It's no need. | ||
| No, no, it's no big deal. | ||
| That was the most passive-aggressive thing I've ever heard. | ||
| Yeah, I see it. | ||
| It's on the other side, right? | ||
| It's alright, man. | ||
| Just leave it there. | ||
| Yeah, don't worry about it, man. | ||
| Totally cool with it. | ||
| Really happy with you. | ||
| It's no big deal. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I mean, it's just right next to you. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That's the book. | ||
| I bought a bunch of copies just to give them to people. | ||
| Like it's got dust all over it. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Break through the blocks and win your inner creative battles. | ||
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| It's a great book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Right, I love it. | ||
| It's a great book for creativity and sort of getting past the roadblocks of procrastination. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Somebody showed me this once before. | ||
| Very interesting work. | ||
| It's stuff you kind of read and then meditate on each thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, it's an ethic. | ||
| The guy provides an ethic, and he's got a new one called Turning Pro, which is just as good. | ||
| I just got into that. | ||
| But he's a very inspirational dude. | ||
| You know, I love hearing about dudes who work really hard. | ||
| I don't like hearing about guys who become crazy and become obsessed and become unhealthy like they work too much. | ||
| But I like hearing about dudes who have a great work ethic. | ||
| Whenever I hear about Louis C.K. putting out a new hour every year, I love hearing that. | ||
| That's inspirational to me. | ||
| I feel like I get some energy out of that. | ||
| I think it's too much. | ||
| It's too much for me. | ||
| It turned out I did mine and then I did another one in a little less than two years. | ||
| That's why I was doing a lot of the UFC stuff as well. | ||
| I do less UFC stuff now than I did before. | ||
| So it was while I was doing that. | ||
| But I still feel like... | ||
| I like to have a bit around for a while. | ||
| Like, I put some stuff... | ||
| Your bits are fucking thick, too. | ||
| I mean, it's not like you write a freestanding joke, then have to write another... | ||
| I mean, you find something, and you explore it, and you extend it, and then by the end, you've got a chunk that's ten minutes. | ||
| So you string together six of those, you've got an hour. | ||
| And I know there's more life to shit sometimes, but I put some stuff on a special before, and then right after it's in, you're like, oh, you motherfucker. | ||
| The punchline of Punchline comes out. | ||
| You know, the tagline that changes the whole bit. | ||
| Oh, you know, Dana Gould just gave me a tagline that took a bit that was already killing and doubled it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I get this bit about how we waste water in this country, how we just have fun with it. | ||
| It's like a joke. | ||
| We have water parks. | ||
| We have fountains, which just shoot water in the air like, fuck Fuck you! | ||
| Look at all this water! | ||
| And then Dana's tagline was, and then what do we do? | ||
| We take money we don't need and we throw it in the fountain. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And on top of always killing, that tagline just like instant applause break. | ||
| So true. | ||
| That's a perfect description of ridiculous opulence. | ||
| A giant fountain. | ||
| Like one of those people you can dip in, dip your feet in, sit in front, talk. | ||
| There's like a kid with a pot in his lap and it's like he's pissing. | ||
| You ever see those? | ||
| Pissing out of it. | ||
| I saw a house in Montecito once, you know, out in Santa Barbara. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was, these people had like, they must have owned a museum or some shit, but they had a fountain that was so big they converted it into a swimming pool. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Was fucking huge. | ||
| This huge, gorgeous fountain was a swimming pool. | ||
| These people had like three fountains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This house was ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Montecito area of Santa Barbara is like some of the most gorgeous houses you've ever seen in your life. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| Perfect weather all year round. | ||
| They're looking over the ocean. | ||
| You're like, holy shit. | ||
| Anytime I'm in that part of the world, you go down below San Francisco, they got a thing called the Seven Mile Drive, which is where Pebble Beach Golf Club is. | ||
| And I really do think that there is not a more beautiful place. | ||
| I mean, I haven't been to Tuscany. | ||
| I'm sure there's places. | ||
| But I feel like you can actually afford to live in a place along the jagged California coast where the weather is fucking perfect all the time. | ||
| It's just peaceful people. | ||
| And I sort of feel like... | ||
| Why not do that? | ||
| Teach school? | ||
| Teach school? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Living in a fucking movie? | ||
| We're going to learn how to bake bread? | ||
| Yeah, I lost it there for a second. | ||
| You're faking shit, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| But there are some places like Carmel. | ||
| Like, have you ever been to where? | ||
| That was where Clint Eastwood was the mayor. | ||
| No, Carmel is right below where I'm talking about. | ||
| Oh, is it right below that? | ||
| Yeah, it's right there. | ||
| It's so fucking beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| It's so beautiful you can hardly believe it. | ||
| And it's a cool fucking town. | ||
| It's all like art galleries and like cafes that are fucking, you know, international and it's bad. | ||
| I mean, but it's one of those things where hope you like white people! | ||
| Because that's all we got here. | ||
| Rich white people. | ||
| Yeah, that's a real white town, right? | ||
| Old white people. | ||
| It's all like old Clint Eastwood types. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said some crazy shit at the Republican. | ||
| Oh, he's losing his marbles. | ||
| For sure, right? | ||
| Well, it's like, it's tough because those John Wayne type guys, they come from an era where, you know, men were manly and it was simple and it was black and white. | ||
| And it's just a different world now. | ||
| And you try to, you can't shake. | ||
| Clint Eastwood's not going to not be that guy. | ||
| But the times dictate a different, more layered approach to things. | ||
| I think he's missing a substantial amount of what he used to have as a young man as far as his intuition on how to do things correctly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He just doesn't seem, he didn't seem there. | ||
| It seemed like a big struggle to me. | ||
| That whole thing where he's bringing in Jon Voight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Help me, Jon. | ||
| I can't be up here by myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There was something weird about it, you know, just all the crazy talk about him being a conservative and conservatives and we just try to, you know, play our cards closer to our vest. | ||
| Like, what are you getting wrapped up with? | ||
| Do you really believe this narrative? | ||
| Do you really believe this? | ||
| Or are you actually paying attention to what you're supporting by being there, pretending to talk to a chair? | ||
| Like, if you talk to the president like that, he should beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| He should box your ears. | ||
| Who the fuck are you to talk to the president like that? | ||
| It's so disrespectful. | ||
| It's incredibly disrespectful. | ||
| That whole fucking thing was just negating. | ||
| None of it was putting out... | ||
| Here's our plan for the economic recovery specifically. | ||
| All it was was tax cuts and more shit we're going to give you. | ||
| Stuff that adds up to negative. | ||
| And yet they're selling it by basically dismantling what already existed. | ||
| Like, everything was a negation. | ||
| There was no positive energy about it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird thing to watch this all play out, to watch this Mitt Romney guy and to see this whole situation. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird to watch it play out, man. | ||
| This Paul Ryan dude has already been busted lying on all sorts of shit. | ||
| He said he ran a marathon in less than three hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| That's like world class. | ||
| They timed it and it was four hours. | ||
| Over four hours. | ||
| Over four hours. | ||
| So he lied by over an hour. | ||
| The New Yorker did this piece last month about this guy who was a serial marathon liar and he had a website about raising money for kids with fucking Down syndrome and support him. | ||
| This guy is a dentist in a small town in Michigan who everybody loves and he's got this whole reputation about being this marathon runner who's going to run in all 48... | ||
| In the continental U.S. And he's going to do a marathon on each one. | ||
| He's going to post his results. | ||
| Well, there started to be a couple questions about that. | ||
| There was no pictures of him in the middle of certain races. | ||
| And there is a fearsome marathon contingent that tracks every single marathon. | ||
| One of the things they have is there's chips. | ||
| And you have to hit, I think, three chips during the race to prevent the Rosie Ruiz thing. | ||
| Right, from someone jumping in a car and then someone pushes him. | ||
| So they went back and they looked at the chips. | ||
| He fucking hit all of his chips in every one, but then there's pictures of him in different outfits. | ||
| There's races where there's no pictures. | ||
| There was one race he actually made up. | ||
| What? | ||
| He just made up a race? | ||
| He posted that he wanted to have a San Jose marathon. | ||
| Nobody responded. | ||
| So he posted 10 people that finished at a certain time, made up the names, put them on the website, and had him as the winner. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| So anyway, they unraveled it. | ||
| And it was just more like, the piece was just about how people can get, what is it called when you lie and you have no guilt about it? | ||
| Sociopathic? | ||
| Yeah, sociopath. | ||
| Like, this is a sociopath about marathons. | ||
| Everything else in his life was totally fucking straight up good guy, except this crazy man. | ||
| And so, the point being, there was a very clear record with Paul Ryan of how long... | ||
| There's no discrepancy. | ||
| There's no, you know, he absolutely ran it in four hours and ten minutes and said it. | ||
| That's still pretty fucking good, really. | ||
| They say that's average. | ||
| I think that's pretty good. | ||
| For a guy that looks like that... | ||
| It's like an 11-minute mile. | ||
| I'm amazed he didn't quit. | ||
| Oh, the marathon? | ||
| Yeah, when Mazie made it through. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a hard thing to do. | ||
| I'm amazed when anybody runs 26 miles. | ||
| But why lie about the time when four hours sounds still pretty fucking good? | ||
| He's trying to pretend like he's a super athlete. | ||
| Well, that's the problem. | ||
| If he lies about that, to me it's a character thing. | ||
| Period. | ||
| If he's lying about that, what else is he going to lie about? | ||
| His numbers for the economy are a fucking joke. | ||
| They've been debunked by bipartisan committees in Congress because he introduced this whole new economic recovery plan and it was looked at and they said, this is horse shit. | ||
| This does not add up. | ||
| But he had every Republican lined up because he was the new hot shit in Congress when he came in as a junior senator. | ||
| What is his strategy or his philosophy that he's going to do that's different? | ||
| What was his idea? | ||
| Well, it's real. | ||
| Ayn Rand is this guy, so it's pure free market. | ||
| There's no regulations. | ||
| It's letting capitalism basically dictate everything. | ||
| It's about getting rid of the safety net entirely. | ||
| He wants to take apart Medicare. | ||
| He wants the entire new health care program Take it away. | ||
| He wants to privatize Social Security, which again has been shown in study after study after study is a worst case scenario. | ||
| You're taking a fund of money that people have paid into with a very nominal broker with a service fee built into a 0.04% or whatever, and you're saying, okay, everyone grab theirs, give it to a broker who's going to take 5%. | ||
| You're bloating This one industry because they've lobbied you. | ||
| That's all this is about. | ||
| Banks want to be able to get their hands on this money and crank up commissions in making the investments for you. | ||
| That's all this boils down to. | ||
| And he said that one of the first things that the United States government did was they printed Iraqi money. | ||
| Just fucking crazy amounts of it. | ||
| Just flooded the market with fake money. | ||
| And that's how you crush an economy. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Like, if they wanted to crush our economy, they would just make, just put millions and millions of dollars, like, in the streets. | ||
| And people would go crazy and run out and buy Ferraris. | ||
| Ferraris would be worth nothing. | ||
| Do you think that happened here? | ||
| Do you think that's Could it happen here? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Look, the economy's not based on anything. | ||
| That's the idea of a gold standard. | ||
| That's where it's supposed to make some sense. | ||
| And the idea, though, that you're going to be able to make something like a dollar bill that can't be reproduced by somebody with nefarious means, of course they're going to be able to figure that out, man. | ||
| As technology gets better, they're not going to be able to hold off that whole print and press thing. | ||
| People are going to figure out how to make money. | ||
| To this day, I forget what the Iraqi currency is. | ||
| The dinar, I think? | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| It is the lowest rated currency on the planet. | ||
| It's like 100,000 per $1. | ||
| What do you do then? | ||
| You have to start from scratch. | ||
| You have to start the whole civilization from scratch. | ||
| Well, you've got to go to the gold standard. | ||
| I mean, you've got to find something to tether it to. | ||
| Yeah, and then by then, the military's in the streets, and you're fucked, and you just scramble. | ||
| You know what's amazing? | ||
| You're talking about Mesopotamia. | ||
| You're talking about the most fertile, the origins of all civilization, and it's a fuck zone. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Well, I think they're the townies of the world. | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| They've just been around too long? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where civilization was invented. | ||
| So that area is all the same assholes who developed their civilization 6,000 years ago. | ||
| They just stayed. | ||
| Everybody else is like, these people are fucking crazy. | ||
| They're throwing rocks at people for dancing. | ||
| Let's get out of here. | ||
| So every other civilization branched off from that one part. | ||
| But they stayed. | ||
| Yeah, they got two stories. | ||
| I got a double decker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fucking renting out the upstairs to my parents. | |
| When you go back to Ohio, do you relate to townies, or do you think that Ohio's a better place to live? | ||
| It's just boring. | ||
| If I could have a humongous house, people live great there. | ||
| My sister has two kids, works as a hairstylist, but she has a huge house and a huge yard. | ||
| It's weird, isn't it? | ||
| It's easier and more comfortable. | ||
| It's not as stressful. | ||
| It's weird how much variation there is in areas where you could buy a house. | ||
| Variation? | ||
| The money. | ||
| Oh, what you can get. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And another thing was when you walk to your car at night and when you do certain things, you automatically feel safe out there. | ||
| You could just sit there and just have money in both of your hands and walk to your car after going to a movie. | ||
| And no one will give a shit. | ||
| Do you remember that dude from that video that you made? | ||
| The dude who went to one of your best videos, by the way? | ||
| The heckler, the drunk heckler in Columbus? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Remember that one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, first of all, that was an awesome video you made because the way you edited it was so funny. | ||
| The dude was so ridiculous, but we missed the best part of the story. | ||
| Because this guy who had his shirt off in my comedy show, screaming, yelling. | ||
|
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No shit! | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I came on stage and I hugged him. | ||
| It was like the most ridiculous shit of all time. | ||
| He was just like so hammered. | ||
| He was so crazy. | ||
| We ran into him at the end of the night, face covered in blood, shirtless. | ||
| Just somebody beat the fuck out of this guy. | ||
| And I looked at him and I looked at him and I'm like, sorry, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we didn't fucking film him. | ||
| No one had anything on us. | ||
| We were like, shit. | ||
| Yeah, I saw this dude. | ||
| I was in... | ||
| I was in San Jose. | ||
| You ever do that fucking club in San Jose? | ||
| The improv? | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| I was supposed to do it sometime soon, but the show got moved. | ||
| I was going to do the Friday night before UFC. That place is like a 500-year-old ancient theater. | ||
| 1903. Charlie Chaplin performed there. | ||
| And the acoustics, you don't even need a microphone. | ||
| 500 years old, I'm just making shit up. | ||
| There weren't people in California 500 years ago, stupid. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What were the Aztecs doing a stand-up show? | ||
| Isn't that weird that just 500 years ago there was no people? | ||
| And you go to Europe, and you talk about Iraq. | ||
| That's a history. | ||
| Yeah, that San Jose improv is one of the most beautiful interiors. | ||
| The inside, and the feel of it, it feels like a seasoned performance room. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a well-worn room. | ||
| And the guy that runs a gym is fucking treating me great. | ||
| Professional bowler. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, he was a Vietnam vet, too. | ||
| Good dude, too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He goes bowling and just fucks people up, apparently. | ||
| Apparently, he's a legit world-class bowler. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And he'll go to Vegas, and people gamble in Vegas. | ||
| They get crazy. | ||
| They're out there on vacation. | ||
| Let's go bowl a few frames. | ||
| They start talking shit, and he comes over, and he knows how to hustle, too. | ||
| He knows how to play their ego. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he starts getting involved in big gambling with some knuckleheads. | ||
| And he's come back with sick money from gambling in Vegas. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah, and he's such a fucking cool guy. | ||
| Just unabashedly, the real deal, just a cool guy. | ||
| Yeah, he got fucked, man. | ||
| He went to Vietnam for three and a half years, came back, did his 21 years in the Navy, and now he's like, yeah, I get $120 a month in fucking benefits. | ||
| He goes, they cut all the benefits that you promised, including going to the VA hospital to get your glasses, dental, all that shit's gone. | ||
| How can they do that? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You go to war, you put your life on the line for the country, you are fucking taken care of, period. | ||
| That is the biggest travesty happening right now. | ||
| We had to do some UFC fights. | ||
| We did it for this Institute for Traumatic Brain Injury, I believe it's called. | ||
| They're building some huge thing, so they had to raise money for it. | ||
| So the UFC fights raised a lot of money for it. | ||
| But one of the things I was thinking of is how crazy is it that there's these billion dollar deals that these people like Halliburton or these companies rather like Halliburton get. | ||
| Billion dollar deals. | ||
| And in it, somehow or another, is not the money for these rehabilitation centers. | ||
| Like, that's insane. | ||
| The fact that they can profit off the war and not be giving anything back in the form of some, at least, you know, do what a charity's doing. | ||
| At least do that. | ||
| I mean, you're profiting from it. | ||
| The charity's just stepping in. | ||
| That's exactly why it's privatized because the U.S. government allows itself to be buffered from, number one, if there's a rape overseas, it does not get processed in U.S. courts. | ||
| They've got all illegal people working the jobs. | ||
| They tell these girls in the Philippines, Halliburton does, through another agency, that they're going to get a job doing hairstyling and they're going to make $40,000 a year. | ||
| They take them off and they're working at fucking Burger King in the Mideast. | ||
| Sleeping in fucking tankers and paying off the money they had to pay to get over there for like five or six years before they make a dollar. | ||
| Yeah, that's slavery. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking slavery. | ||
| It's slavery where they just have it written down somewhere so it's like okay to do. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Somehow or another it's okay. | ||
| Because it's not the U.S. government because the U.S. government is subcontracting to Halliburton so that any kind of lawsuits that come in, they don't touch the U.S. government. | ||
| And so they're not paying out to the soldiers because they have no real relationship to them. | ||
| They figured out a way to do slavery without chains. | ||
| Just make it so they can't leave. | ||
| You might lose one or two every now and then, but you can get them back. | ||
| You can get different ones. | ||
| And it's a terrifying sort of a situation, but that's like a lot of what's going on apparently in parts of the Middle East, in like Dubai. | ||
| I heard that that had gone on in some construction sites. | ||
| I think, didn't Vice do a special on that, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| Dubai brings in people from, I don't know, I can't remember what country it is, but they bring them in on these, they're not even, they're like work visas that are like a week long. | ||
| And the second you're done with your work, you're gone. | ||
| It's just, you don't earn your way in. | ||
| And so it's something like, you know, three quarters of the workforce is not from that country. | ||
| And they just have these sprawling fucking camps that people live in. | ||
| And then they kick them out as soon as they're out instantly. | ||
| No coverage in accidents whatsoever. | ||
| It's barbaric. | ||
| It's fucked up, too, because, again, we're talking about the townies of the world. | ||
| So they really still are rocking it the same way they did a thousand years ago or several thousand years ago. | ||
| They really are rocking it like that. | ||
| They're just rocking it like that behind the rules. | ||
| I mean, they really do still have kings. | ||
| And there was some piece on that dude... | ||
| Who we had, Brian, on the podcast the other day, David Seaman. | ||
| He had something. | ||
| That's his real name. | ||
| Powerful dude, though. | ||
| Sorry, dude. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| That is his real name. | ||
| And there was something that he had on his Twitter page that showed how CNN had some stories about the Arab Spring uprising in Bahrain, and they decided not to air it. | ||
| And apparently Bahrain is fucked up, man. | ||
| People started to make YouTube videos of it and put them online because there's not enough interest. | ||
| Everyone's aware of Saudi Arabia. | ||
| Everyone's aware of what's happened in Egypt. | ||
| Everyone's aware of Libya. | ||
| But a lot of people are not aware of Bahrain, so they're still trying to keep this one locked down while everything else is going on. | ||
| But there's some horrific fucking footage, man. | ||
| And it's just government-controlled media? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| They're gunning people down. | ||
| They're trying to stop a civil uprising. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| It's horrific stuff, man. | ||
| Horrific stuff. | ||
| And there's really graphic videos available online. | ||
| And our interest in the Arab Spring ended about a year ago. | ||
| People don't even know what's going on. | ||
| Syria's worse than any of it. | ||
| And people aren't even fucking tracking that. | ||
| Because it's like, we already had Egypt. | ||
| We already had Libya. | ||
| We've got our fill. | ||
| What people don't understand is the apocalypse is here. | ||
| It just hasn't reached California. | ||
| But the apocalypse, if you're in Bahrain, that's the apocalypse. | ||
| If friends are getting their heads blown off right next to you by sniper rifles, that's the apocalypse. | ||
| I mean, this is a civil war. | ||
| People are dying in the street. | ||
| The government is gunning down civilians. | ||
| I mean, it's craziness. | ||
| But what about the places that, like Egypt, that now has democratically elected... | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| Isn't it the Muslim Brotherhood? | ||
| Yeah, they were voted in, though. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| They're not as bad as people think. | ||
| As they say. | ||
| They sound, rather. | ||
| They sound scary. | ||
| You know what, though? | ||
| It's one of those things where they're going to sneak it in. | ||
| They get in office. | ||
| Everything's cool. | ||
| Everybody gets a turkey at Thanksgiving. | ||
| Two years later, the women are all in fucking potato sacks. | ||
| I wonder how much longer that's going to work with the internet, with the distribution of information that we have right now. | ||
| It's harder and harder to convince kids of nonsense. | ||
| It's harder and harder. | ||
| It's just not the same sort of animal that was around when we grew up. | ||
| When we grew up, even if you didn't believe in God, if it made no sense, you hedged your bet. | ||
| You went along with everything and you know you believe it is real. | ||
| I did all that shit I was supposed to do Even if you don't have a whole ton of faith in it You don't have the kind of access to it Or we didn't rather have the kind of access to information the kids have today because if they have a question about anything Like why is the sky blue they Google why is the sky blue? | ||
| I mean kids just are growing up doing that now So they ever have a quite you can't just bullshit them. | ||
| Yeah Yeah, but you're assuming the internet stays as free as it is now. | ||
| I mean, just by saying Google, you know, so many people get their information from two portals. | ||
| You've got Wikipedia and Google, and if those are, you know, Google is part of a multinational corporation, and eventually they're going to rein it in because of corporate sponsors or because the same pressure CNN gets to not put out stuff about Bahrain. | ||
| Any big company is ultimately going to be affected by the people that are running it. | ||
| Did you hear that some of those leet hacker dudes hacked into an FBI laptop and found the names of 14 million Apple iOS users? | ||
| They found information on them. | ||
| And same with PlayStation 3. They cracked into that database and got all those names. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
|
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And Xbox. | |
| Well, because they challenged them. | ||
| I think Xbox challenged them. | ||
| They said, you'll never crack... | ||
| It was either PlayStation 3 or Xbox that challenged the hackers, basically. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, you can't do that. | |
| And it was over. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| They can get through anything. | ||
| But what was scary about it was that this whole hacker thing really wasn't really recognized. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I mean, when you see that guy, Kevin Mitnick, you know who that guy is? | ||
| Hacker. | ||
| Do you know who that guy is? | ||
|
unidentified
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I think so. | |
| He was a really famous hacker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a guy who at one point in time... | ||
| They offered him a job eventually at one of the big companies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He would do what's called phone freaking. | ||
| Phone freaking, you figure out how to make calls through a box that would send a tone down the line. | ||
| This is like the step one. | ||
| It's like the hacking the system. | ||
| It's like back when dial tone phones came online. | ||
| See, before dial tones, we all remember when you were a really little kid, you had to spin that dial, which is really alien to people today. | ||
| But when you dial the number, you go... | ||
| Because it was analog. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| And then they came out with a dial tone situation. | ||
| But what someone realized somewhere along the line is that there's a computer or something interfacing on the other end that's responding to the tones, and those tones represent a number. | ||
| So let's find out what those tones represent, and then we can fucking do whatever we want and have access to free, unlimited, long-distance calling. | ||
| Because remember back then, you couldn't get long distance. | ||
| Long distance was hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, if you dated a girl and she lived in the 508, you'd be like, oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| She lives way the fuck over there. | ||
| It's long distance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Any sort of state, crossing state lines, long distance. | ||
| That was a long distance call. | ||
| Your fucking parents would scream at you. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Are you on long distance? | ||
| It could be 10 miles away. | ||
| Remember you used to have a separate long distance company? | ||
| I had AT&T, but I had Sprint as my long distance. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Sprint can save you money. | ||
| Do you remember when they used to have it for cell phones? | ||
| Where long distance for cell phones was super expensive? | ||
| It was crazy expensive. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| It was crazy expensive. | ||
| So you'd use a calling card, which meant you had to punch in about 16 numbers before you put in the number you were calling. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| But this Kevin Mitnick guy, he started out doing that and then eventually went to being some sort of a full-blown hacker. | ||
| But to go from that to be able to experience what's going on right now must be really incredible to witness. | ||
| Well, there's a group that he is actually opposed to. | ||
| There's a group that identifies itself as the somethings, and they are an international web of hackers that get off on doing it, and they've done everything. | ||
| You're talking about Lulsec? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| There's a bunch. | ||
| No, I don't think it's Lulsec. | ||
|
unidentified
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Anonymous. | |
| Anonymous. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, and he came out against Anonymous because for him, cracking the codes was about the science. | ||
| It was about the art of doing it. | ||
| And these guys are much more into sabotage. | ||
| They have a political agenda. | ||
| They out corporations and they blackmail them. | ||
| And so the bottom line is you're never going to get the talent on the payrolls that is going to be out there because they're independent-minded people. | ||
| They're anti-establishment people. | ||
| They don't want to be on a payroll because they don't want to be told what to do. | ||
| They offered this guy a job, and he went to Microsoft or one of those big companies for like six months. | ||
| They basically wanted him off the streets. | ||
| They wanted him in-house, and he just got bored and he fucking left. | ||
| Well, that was the big issue was that why did the FBI have these 14 million iOS users' information? | ||
| Why'd they have that on their laptop? | ||
| To what extent is spying already going on on almost every American civilian? | ||
| Because it's probably gotten pretty fucking crazy now. | ||
| Do you feel like when you're making a text message that you're sending it to the government as well? | ||
| Yeah, they saw my dick. | ||
| They've seen me talk about fucking farts. | ||
| I'm not worried about anything. | ||
| I understand that you're not worried about it, but do you understand that giving people that kind of access to information is not cool? | ||
| Who are they? | ||
| Why should we agree that they should be the ones... | ||
| I think that's ridiculous. | ||
| It's ridiculous to allow someone to be in that sort of voyeuristic position and not utilize it. | ||
| I mean, look at Anonymous or look at any of these hacking groups. | ||
| Those files, when people hacked PlayStation and stuff like that, If you were in the right circles, you'd be able to have that file. | ||
| You can download those. | ||
| What are you trying to say? | ||
| If you wanted information, if you wanted all this information, you yourself could get it right now if you went online. | ||
| If you wanted all these people's PS3 names and numbers or iOS 6 informations, the FBI got it online also. | ||
| There's torrents websites that you can download all this information off. | ||
| There's torrent websites where you can download stolen information? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So what are these websites like? | ||
| So this person, this FBI guy, his job could have been going to torrent websites and downloading shit. | ||
| He might have also had Beauty and the Beast in 3D on his website. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| I mean, like, if they're going to single you out, they're going to single you out. | ||
| Dude, I completely appreciate your not wanting to get upset at the experience. | ||
| Like, who gives a fuck? | ||
| I'm not doing anything wrong. | ||
| But the real problem is you give people too much power and they fucking abuse it. | ||
| Yeah, like down the road. | ||
| And that's why there's all these psychological, like, fail-safes that are set up into our system that, you know, You're not supposed to have too much power. | ||
| It's supposed to be like a whole checks and balances system to make sure that people don't get out of hand because they do naturally. | ||
| And if someone all of a sudden can check your phone, someone all of a sudden can read all your emails, they're going to. | ||
| Yeah, and the bottom line is right now that seems safe because there's no imminent threat. | ||
| But you see a guy like Rick Perry become president and load up the fucking FBI and CIA with his people. | ||
| They're going to go, we want the Christian values protected in this country. | ||
| And they're going to start going after the guys that put their dicks online. | ||
| And you're going to be fucking, you know, I'm not going to be rounded up. | ||
| And that's when Anonymous is way more intelligent than the government. | ||
| You know, their hackers are way better than shitwoke. | ||
| Take over. | ||
| Do you think that that will eventually happen? | ||
| That's a fascinating idea. | ||
| The idea that the civilization will be taken over through the internet. | ||
| And that the internet, because everything is going to be run through the internet, they would figure out some way of having a constantly changing code that you can never crack. | ||
| And they use it to just manipulate wealth. | ||
| And then as long as you keep your shit together, they keep everything running smooth. | ||
| Yeah, but look what Israel did to Iran's internet. | ||
| They fucking blew it up. | ||
| They were able to crack every... | ||
| We're talking about the most intense firewalls that could be put up by a pretty wealthy country, Iran. | ||
| And they got in there and they fucking destroyed everything. | ||
| And I think you're right. | ||
| There's got to be a fail-safe in place for every country and an overall scheme. | ||
| I mean, there's no way somebody's not had the foresight to put that stuff in. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of amazing when you stop and think about the ultimate goal of all this stuff is to connect us all in some really fucking strange way. | ||
| You know, the ultimate goal of all this technology is that there's not going to be any privacy in a decade. | ||
| It won't exist. | ||
| It'd be something that we looked back on when we were kids. | ||
| You're going to be able to go, I want to rent this six-foot room or whatever two years ago at 315. Here's the date. | ||
| You're going to be able to take the date, the time, and go, I want to see video and hear sound of what happened in that room. | ||
| Yeah, I bet you will be. | ||
| I bet eventually you will be. | ||
| Well, you know, the idea that has been proposed is that if you get a computer that's strong enough and wrap your head around this because this is really hard to fucking absorb... | ||
| That if you get a computer that's strong enough to record everything that has happened in this world, like every person that exists in this world, every business that's been created, and put all of this into a data bank, And extrapolate over a period of no more than X amount of days or hours that if this computer, | ||
| given enough data, knowing the characteristics of all these people, which eventually there'll be no limitations when it comes to processing power and no limitations when it comes to storage space, you literally will be able to store everything that ever happens. | ||
| And that this computer with just a few weeks of data might be able to go backwards mathematically and tell you the absolute accurate origins of life on Earth. | ||
| That it might literally, by studying things not just on a physical level but like on a subatomic level, there might be enough information that they could figure out pretty accurately what happened, like how a human being even came from the primordial slime, how it got to be a human. | ||
| It might be able to show you the birth of culture. | ||
| It might be able to show you with a supercomputer what's caused all of this. | ||
| How did this cause that and that caused this. | ||
| It might be something that you could figure out mathematically. | ||
| Well, what's amazing is how slow evolution is. | ||
| I mean, people think that... | ||
| Physical, yeah. | ||
| I mean, physical evolution takes so long, you can't even wrap your head around the amount of time that it would take for hair to not grow on your nose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you're talking fucking millions of years of time for shit to really happen. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| Not always, man. | ||
| One of the things that they're finding out is that in some instances it takes place much quicker than they expected, like in the Congo. | ||
| The Congo's a rare spot because it used to be grasslands, but then it became a rainforest pretty quickly, and a lot of animals got trapped that are grasslands animals, like antelopes and stuff. | ||
| They got trapped in the Congo, and some of them learned how to fucking swim. | ||
| There's an animal that's an antelope. | ||
| I think it's called a diker. | ||
| And it swims and eats fish. | ||
| It can go underwater 100 yards. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| This is an antelope, man. | ||
| I mean, it's adapted and evolved. | ||
| And if you look at all the animals that exist, there's a BBC Congo documentary. | ||
| That I've brought up before. | ||
| If you can find it online, get it. | ||
| It's fucking sensational. | ||
| It just shows you all the freaky shit that's in the Congo. | ||
| The birds and the lizards and the fish that come out of the water and walk to the next pond and jump in. | ||
| I mean, that's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| That's... | ||
| It's a really, really weird spot in this world. | ||
| What's the film called? | ||
| It's just called Congo. | ||
| It's a BBC documentary on the Congo. | ||
| But this has only happened over a couple thousand years. | ||
| So they wonder, when did this antelope start swimming and eating fish? | ||
| Before, it was almost like a little tiny deer running around. | ||
| But now it's eating fish? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And you wonder about shit like, you know, they got that nuclear power plant down the coast here, and they talk about the changes in the fish around there because there's a certain amount of heat that emanates from the power plant into the ocean, and they say that there's been a change in the looks of some of the fish. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Have a nice dinner! | ||
| Of course there is. | ||
| I wonder what happens if you eat, I mean, I think it would be really bad for the fish to get all that radioactivity, but how bad is it for you to eat like a radioactive halibut? | ||
| Well, that's why they say don't eat old fish. | ||
| Don't eat fucking tuna. | ||
| Don't eat old stuff? | ||
| Eat fish that lives and dies very quickly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is that? | |
| Because the longer they're around, the more they're taking in... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Toxins. | |
| What is it? | ||
| Yeah, but specifically, what's the metal that you... | ||
| Arsenic's one of them. | ||
| No. | ||
| Mercury? | ||
| Mercury. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The longer they live, the more mercury goes in their system. | ||
| I tested for high levels of arsenic from eating too many sardines. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to like to eat sardines. | ||
| I used to eat them a can a day, sometimes two. | ||
|
unidentified
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Disgusting. | |
| You say disgusting, but I enjoyed it. | ||
| Why are you trying to make me feel bad? | ||
| Rosie O'Donnell's breath. | ||
| Come on! | ||
|
unidentified
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She's gay! | |
| You get it, ladies? | ||
| I did Rosie O'Donnell's TV show. | ||
| She had a TV show on Oprah's network for a while. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| She's very nice. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, she's nice. | ||
| She gave me a big hug and everything. | ||
| She's into conspiracy theories. | ||
| She does how to hurt she? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| Yeah, she likes to talk 9-11. | ||
| She likes to talk. | ||
| She's got some points. | ||
| She's got some valid points. | ||
| Hey, she's always been honest. | ||
| I respect that. | ||
| She didn't send up any wacko radar on my side. | ||
| You know, I'm one of those guys that I'll listen to anybody. | ||
| Anybody telling any crazy conspiracy theory, I'll listen, you know, for the most part. | ||
| But I know when people are just, like, really reaching, and she wasn't. | ||
| But she's, you know, she was on that show with, like, Elizabeth Hafenbach, who's, like, the really hot chick, who's, like, super Republican. | ||
| They would go to war about, you know, like, Tower 7 and 9-11 conspiracies, and ugh. | ||
| Yeah, and she also said some shit. | ||
| Didn't she defend, what's his name, Mel Gibson? | ||
| Mel Gibson, really? | ||
| I think she said, I forget, not a full-on defense, but sort of like way more than he should have gotten. | ||
| But here's the thing about, I think being somebody who is an alternate lifestyle person... | ||
| Is that you have to depart from the status quo to be who you really are. | ||
| And I think with that, you get some clarity and some truth in your life that you can apply to other things, conspiracy theories or whatever, because she's different. | ||
| So I think once you're labeled different, it frees you in a way. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Yeah, well, she doesn't have to conform, and she's a big lesbian. | ||
| Everybody knows she's a lesbian. | ||
| She's powerful. | ||
| She's got a lot of money. | ||
| Chicks like her. | ||
| She gets hot chicks. | ||
| She does. | ||
| It's a tricky situation. | ||
| Hey, Brian, did we freeze up? | ||
| Mm-mm. | ||
| It shows I'm frozen up. | ||
| Oh, it just came back when I asked you. | ||
| Your video? | ||
| That's voodoo. | ||
| Yeah, we were frozen. | ||
| A lot of people watch the video? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Not as many. | ||
| It's probably we would do way better if we didn't even have it. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I just released a podcast that was audio only, Olive Garden Podcast. | ||
| Yeah, it was called, ready? | ||
| Olive Garden Butthole. | ||
| It's called Olive Garden Butthole. | ||
| That's the name of the podcast? | ||
| Yeah, and we actually record it live at the Olive Garden. | ||
| It's pretty stupid. | ||
| They let you do it? | ||
| We had a show the other day and these people brought Brian breadsticks from the Olive Garden in an Olive Garden bag. | ||
| It's become the most ridiculous, repetitive joke. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| But by the way, how awesome was that fucking show? | ||
| Oh, amazing, dude. | ||
| Both Friday and Saturday night with Doug Stanhope and Joey Diaz and Ari. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| We were supposed to do shows in Vegas, and I was supposed to have a UFC in Vegas, but the fight got canceled, so we moved it to the Ice House. | ||
| Do you go up there much besides when you do my shows there? | ||
| Do you ever do weekends there? | ||
| I've never done it in my life. | ||
| You've got to. | ||
| Love to do it. | ||
| It's one of the best clubs ever. | ||
| It's so perfect. | ||
| It's just such an old, seasoned place, short, fucking, like, really low ceiling, like, really tight, tight seating. | ||
| That's wide, but not deep. | ||
| Oh, it's perfect. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| I did some sort of a show... | ||
| I think George Lopez hosted it in 1994. That was the first time I ever went to the Ice House. | ||
| Oh, wait, it was in... | ||
| 94, son. | ||
| What were you, six? | ||
| Was it a TV show? | ||
| They had a TV show for a while. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| He was 20, and I was on stage at the Ice House doing some TV show. | ||
| Yeah, I did the show. | ||
| I think George Lopez. | ||
| Didn't he? | ||
| Wasn't he the host of it? | ||
| Very Latino club, too, isn't it? | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| No, we whitey'd up. | ||
| We whitey'd the shit out of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Still a lot of Latinos. | ||
| Yeah, that area's got a lot of Latinos. | ||
| San Jose is like that. | ||
| But we brought in a lot of white boys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of white kids. | ||
| Just the right amount of Asians. | ||
| They said that there's a totally different vibe to the club now since we've been doing a lot of shows there, which is great. | ||
| The waiters and the people that work there are always complimenting the audiences. | ||
| Yeah, awesome people. | ||
| Yeah, we bring in a nice group of people. | ||
| We're super lucky. | ||
| And don't think that we don't appreciate the fuck out of that, because I know people that are scared of their audiences, and they don't want to hang out with their audience. | ||
| They run from them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's nice that, you know, after the shows, we're always there talking. | ||
| I mean, we've had many nights where we stay until, you know, 1.30 in the morning. | ||
| No, I remember the last one. | ||
| You stood out there, and it was really nice and orderly. | ||
| They sort of, like, people lined up, came in, took a picture, said hello. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of it is cool conversations, too. | ||
| I told you, the Iraq guy who told me about going over there and flooding the economy with money. | ||
| He told me the whole really interesting thing, because he was just a young kid who just fucking fucked up and joined. | ||
| And there he is under this crazy... | ||
| Life changed. | ||
| But he was talking about how he was there, and he was talking to someone who is a sergeant, some guy had been there for a while, and saying, well, we're over here to fight for freedom and all that stuff. | ||
| And the guy goes, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| He goes, we're here to get oil. | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| Yeah, we're here for the oil. | ||
| We've got to control the oil. | ||
| That's why we're here. | ||
| They built a pipe from Kosovo. | ||
| They're already prepared for this. | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| And he remembers, you know, talking about like, he was talking about how he remembers that that was just like a shattering moment in his life. | ||
| He was like, holy shit, this isn't a movie. | ||
| Like, this is crazy. | ||
| He volunteered for some nutty-ass fucking war. | ||
| Well, every fucking war, man. | ||
| Every war that we've ever fought, there's been another reason. | ||
| Yeah, but that one, you know, especially the people that joined after 9-11, there's a lot of people that joined that really thought they were going to do a difference. | ||
| They really thought they were going to go straight fucking war hero style and reclaim America. | ||
| Yeah, but don't you think that's true of every war we've gotten into? | ||
| Pretty much, except Vietnam. | ||
| I think the reason why they had to draft people in Vietnam was because Vietnam was a super unpopular war that we probably never could get off today. | ||
| With the internet, you wouldn't be able to pull off that sort of Gulf of Tonkin incident. | ||
| They would have to actually have a real event. | ||
| But they've done that before, man. | ||
| Hitler did that. | ||
| Nero did that. | ||
| People have always done shit. | ||
| That happened 22 months before we declared war. | ||
| That was just an excuse we used because we were an emerging nation, we wanted to be one of the big boys, and there was this war going on, and we said, fuck, if Germany wins, we were making a ton of money supplying the Allied forces, and if they lost, we were never going to get, they owed us fucking billions in debt. | ||
| If they lost, we weren't getting that money. | ||
| We went in there to hedge our bets and make sure that it went the right way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So we pretended the Lusitania was the reason we were going in. | ||
| A bunch of Americans were on a ferry ship. | ||
| They got tour. | ||
| Let's get in there. | ||
| And they played on the heartstrings. | ||
| Well, before drones and missiles and high-speed aircrafts and all the shit that we have today, you had to use strategy to win a war. | ||
| And... | ||
| Strategy, much like in chess, involves sacrifice. | ||
| And there's no way to win a war if you're not willing to sacrifice some of your troops. | ||
| Unless you understand that, you're going to be a shitty general and you're going to make even more people die. | ||
| So the realities of war dictate that you do something unbelievably horrific and make sure that a certain amount of your people die. | ||
| Apocalypse Now, the final word said by Marlon Brando. | ||
| He says, do you think we're going to win this war? | ||
| And he goes, we came in and we vaccinated a bunch of kids who'd been infected. | ||
| Their arms or their legs had been infected with gangrene or whatever, and we inoculated them. | ||
| And the tribal elders came back, and when they found out we'd done it, they macheted off the limbs of all the children. | ||
| And that's when Marlon Brando went... | ||
| He's like, that's how you win a war. | ||
| When you're willing to do that, you win the war. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You've got to be willing to take shit to the very, very highest human level. | ||
| And that includes doing horrific things to your enemy. | ||
| I mean, if you ever read the accounts of what the American soldiers did to American Indians, to the Native Americans when they were trying to clear out land, they did some horrendous thing. | ||
| They would wear women's vaginas on their hats. | ||
| They would cut them out. | ||
| Yeah, these are American soldiers. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of accounts of that kind of shit. | ||
| What, is it like hair pieces? | ||
| Just put it on their hat, you know? | ||
| They have a fucking cowboy hat on, just stick a woman's pussy to their hat that they cut off of an Indian that they butchered. | ||
| I would wear like a fake mustache. | ||
| Or a Native American, I should say, that they butchered. | ||
| You'd wear a what? | ||
| Like a fake mustache or something. | ||
| Well, I got into this weird sort of Native American fascination thing for a while. | ||
| And I was reading a lot of shit about how just the different ways that the people that migrated here started just killing them. | ||
| And how these... | ||
| People had no idea what the fuck was coming. | ||
| I mean, it's really an incredible amount of people were wiped out over a short period of time. | ||
| And it doesn't get nearly the amount of attention and respect in our culture as it deserves. | ||
| It's genocide. | ||
| Yeah, slavery gets a lot more because it was just before. | ||
| We kind of stopped that sort of at the same time. | ||
| But it's really a horrific thing when you really stop and look at the actual numbers of people that died. | ||
| Well, people look at the Germans and they've still got, you know, the stigma of the Nazis. | ||
| We'll stay with the Germans forever. | ||
| But what you don't look at is, you know, what Great Britain did around the world, whether you're talking about Africa, Asia, India. | ||
| You know, the amount of people that died in the name of Manifest Destiny or Christianity, you know, the British are truly, per capita, have committed more atrocities than any race in history. | ||
| And yet, WASPs in this country, it doesn't get any better. | ||
| They are the most heralded. | ||
| There's no racist jokes about the British. | ||
| True, except their teeth. | ||
| That's it! | ||
| That's not bad! | ||
| Not bad at all. | ||
| Big vaginas, too. | ||
| They have big vaginas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they have bigger heads, so their babies have bigger heads. | ||
| I didn't hear that part. | ||
| But yeah, what's really incredible is that we're... | ||
| The byproduct of all that craziness. | ||
| All the raping and pillaging and sword fighting and shit. | ||
| It's all come to Native Americans being killed and people trekking across and boom! | ||
| Here we are. | ||
| We're at the very end of the time. | ||
| We're at the west coast of California, the United States, the last spot that people settled in the free world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is the new world's final chapter. | ||
| I mean, if you really stop and think about it, there's no... | ||
| Unless Antarctica defrosts and we start moving cities up there... | ||
| What if that becomes like the new cool place? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like the perfect weather in LA? Well, that's what happened to Greenland. | |
| You know, all of a sudden Greenland became... | ||
| No, Iceland. | ||
| It became the place because it warmed the fuck up and there's hot chicks and everybody went. | ||
| It became like the fastest growing economy in the world for a while. | ||
| Yeah, we have to accept the fact that this whole planet spins in a weird way and it goes through cycles where shit gets really fucking cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when that happens in your spot, you've got to move. | ||
| We can't be completely dedicated to one spot. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Because you look at the history of the world, they find these megalodon teeth in Montana. | ||
| These giant shark teeth from this fucking 80-foot-long monster shark that used to live. | ||
| They find them in Montana. | ||
| That means Montana was the ocean. | ||
| You can't just say, I don't care about the ocean. | ||
| I'm staying here. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| It goes away. | ||
| It's going to get you. | ||
| If you're living in Malibu, you're living in a fucking dream. | ||
| Those people that live on the water, good luck. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good call. | ||
| You're at the edge. | ||
| Are you that confident that the edge is going to stay there? | ||
| Do you put your finger right near a fan every day? | ||
| That's how I feel like just living in L.A., though. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you're right. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| But I think that if the real thing happens like that, like something that the water comes this far in, we're already dead. | ||
| Well, you look at, like, I was down in Mexico at Easter, and we were in, you know, south of Cancun, that whole area. | ||
| Chicharitza? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That shit was, you know, we go into cenotes and you go down 100 feet and they're showing you in the caves all of these fucking, you know, that the ocean, basically there was a tsunami that landed on that area and it took thousands of years for the water to drain through that land again. | ||
| And it was just, it was fucking underwater. | ||
| They're finding hundreds of cities in Europe, in the oceans. | ||
| They're finding the remnants on a constant basis. | ||
| It's happening, I said hundreds, but it's really been dozens. | ||
| But it really has been super frequent that they're finding more and more of these ancient civilizations that are underwater. | ||
| It's just going to happen. | ||
| It's just what it is. | ||
| The Earth doesn't give a fuck about you. | ||
| Remember there used to be the whole thing of like, there's the lost city of Atlanta. | ||
| It's like, no, there's about a thousand of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Places that went underwater. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so much underwater shit. | ||
| And by the way, how much shit is underwater? | ||
| I mean, what do you get, like 10,000 years before the ocean changes it where you can never recognize it again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long does it actually stay with all those waves and shit happening? | ||
| How long before that stuff is unrecognizable? | ||
| And salt water, which just erodes shit. | ||
| Yeah, sand and covered in sand and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How fucking many ships are out there? | ||
| What a terrifying way to die that must have been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, get in a boat, hit an iceberg, and then realize you are just fucking dazed by boat from anywhere out in the middle of the ocean. | ||
| Dude, I was boogie boarding yesterday, and I went too far out in big fucking waves. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So I get fucking slammed. | ||
| First, I'm going under these giant waves. | ||
| I mean, these are like seven-foot waves. | ||
| And I start going under them, and then... | ||
| Which you normally can do, but then it was fucking sucking me and I'd spin. | ||
| So I do it like three or four times and I'm trying to go out past the waves so that I can get my air because I ain't getting in. | ||
| I look up and I'm fucking like 50 yards out. | ||
| And I just start, so then I finally catch one, I take it a little bit and then I go under, flipped around and now I can touch the sand. | ||
| But the waves are still fucking giant and so they're landing on me and I can't get under the wave. | ||
| So it's fucking hitting me into the sand and spinning me and I can't get out. | ||
| So long story short, I finally fucking just scramble and there's a lifeguard waist deep coming at me. | ||
| And he's like, dude, are you alright? | ||
| He's like, you got fucking pounded. | ||
| And the thing is, my wife, there's a whole bunch of people watching me. | ||
| My family, all my friends and shit. | ||
| And they're like, were you scared? | ||
| And I was like, I didn't have time. | ||
| It never occurred to me. | ||
| Because I'm sure it's like when you fight. | ||
| If you stop and are scared for a second, you just lost your fucking ability to problem solve. | ||
| I hate that story. | ||
| And then my back is on fire today and I realize how fucked up I got. | ||
| Well, the only way to stop that feeling is to get over it. | ||
| No, I mean, that feeling of being in water and just getting tossed, it just sucks. | ||
| If you haven't had an experience like that where you have to really operate under extreme pressure, it can be really debilitating. | ||
| Some people just immediately give up. | ||
| It's really scary. | ||
| Whereas some people find surprising resolve. | ||
| It's a weird thing about human beings, how much your mind is capable of doing. | ||
| Five minutes, bitches. | ||
| And people are one way or the other. | ||
| Yeah, let's just wrap this up because we're running out of time. | ||
| At three hours, Ustream turns into a pumpkin. | ||
| Was it three hours? | ||
| You fucking, we did it again? | ||
| Yeah, we do it every time, Fitzsimmons. | ||
| I love it! | ||
| It's been a lot of fun, buddy. | ||
| Yeah, thanks, man. | ||
| I mean, as far as people that I know, you're up there, one of the longest people I'm still in contact with in my life. | ||
| Feels good. | ||
| Yeah, it's great, buddy. | ||
| We're going to have some fun, play some pool. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Can I plug the fuck out of my one-hour special? | ||
| When is it? | ||
| Tarrytown, New York, September 14th at the Music Hall. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| As a promo code, till the 9th. | ||
| Go to Fitzdog.com. | ||
| Get tickets. | ||
| Put in Fitzdog in the promo code when you get your tickets. | ||
| $10 tickets. | ||
| Tell your friends. | ||
| Tell your family. | ||
| I've got to jam this place. | ||
| Two shows on a Friday night. | ||
| I'll be doing the best material I've been doing for three years. | ||
| Fucking nailed it down. | ||
| I'm ready. | ||
| I want you there to share it with me. | ||
| You look very confident, my friend. | ||
| You look ready to rock and roll. | ||
| I feel ready. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons is a very funny stand-up. | ||
| He's been doing it, like I said, 20, what are we at? | ||
| 23 years now, dude? | ||
| Sounds about right. | ||
| Something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Old school skills, son. | ||
| So go check that out. | ||
| Where's your website again? | ||
| Fitsdog.com, F-I-T-Z, and Fitsdog Radio is the podcast. | ||
| And go to Desquad, get TV, and get yourself a juicy, delicious T-shirt. | ||
| Isn't it Desquad.tv? | ||
| I thought you said go to Desquad and get a TV, and I'm like, what? | ||
| Do you fuck up the commercials that I make for you, you silly bitch? | ||
| Go to deathsquad.tv if people ask where to get the Brian Red Band versions of the Death Squad t-shirts. | ||
| They're all there. | ||
| The one that I like. | ||
| I like the cat in the new one, but I like the... | ||
| Thanks for knocking my ship shirt. | ||
| I'm not knocking it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like your shirt, but I don't like everything except this one part of it. | |
| I'm just telling you what I like. | ||
| You want me to lie? | ||
| I'm telling you what I like. | ||
| You tell me what you like. | ||
| I love the new shirt. | ||
| I've heard nothing but positive things about it from everybody. | ||
| Me? | ||
| I love this free Pussy Riot shirt that I got right here. | ||
| But the cool thing about the shirt is that all the proceeds go to deskquad.tv so I can pay for everything and... | ||
| That's what the shirt is about, deskwad.tv. | ||
| Well, you mean all the money goes to you, is what you're trying to say. | ||
| Yeah, I guess it pays for everything in this thing. | ||
| Pays for everything in this thing? | ||
| I pay... | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| I don't want to go do it. | ||
| So yeah, the t-shirt goes right to all the podcasts that I provide at deskwad.tv and all the shows. | ||
| You heard that, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech, and the new Hemp Force with maca and raw cocoa. | ||
| Go get some of that. | ||
| And we will see you guys tomorrow with the great Ari Shafir. | ||
| And we will see you guys Thursday with the great Rick Ross. | ||
| The real Rick Ross. | ||
| Not that rapper dude, but the actual guy. | ||
| Should be cool. | ||
| Thank you guys. |
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