Aug. 30, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:39:53
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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E-stream producer is not the best product. | |
| But it's free as shit. | ||
| And it's just as good as, like, tricorders. | ||
| Like, those tricasters, those things are expensive as shit. | ||
| Everything on the internet now. | ||
| I bought a Garmin, you know, the navigation. | ||
| You can download Wave for free and it's just as good. | ||
| Yeah, you can get a lot of free shit now that's just as good. | ||
| Like this podcast, bitches! | ||
| We ain't charging... | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience, however, is sponsored by some awesome companies. | ||
| But I'll tell you what we're not sponsored by. | ||
| Grillo's Pickles. | ||
| Pass that shit over here. | ||
| I've had two already. | ||
| People say to me, keep talking about... | ||
| Why is this... | ||
| Okay, we've got a problem here. | ||
| I'm not seeing anything. | ||
| Let me refresh this and see if... | ||
| It shows we're broadcasting, but I'm not seeing it. | ||
| Oh, there's the image. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Grillo's Pickles is not a sponsor. | ||
| They're just nice guys. | ||
| We met them when I was doing Zookeeper with Kevin James. | ||
| We were in the commons and they had this cart where they were selling pickles. | ||
| I'm like, who the fuck is selling pickles? | ||
| What a weird thing to sell. | ||
| And I thought they were going to be like those 7-Eleven pickles. | ||
| You know, you get them in a bag of pickle juice and they're mildly good. | ||
| These things are fucking ridiculously good. | ||
| They're fresh. | ||
| They're hot. | ||
| They got garlicky. | ||
| They have garlic in them. | ||
| Can you see this online, folks? | ||
| There's like fucking swamp grass in here. | ||
| These motherfuckers are doing voodoo with these pickles. | ||
| There's these big ass slices of garlic. | ||
| And there's big ass slices of habaneros and jalapenos in there. | ||
| And then there's fresh pickles. | ||
| And these motherfuckers are ridiculous. | ||
| No one's paying me for this. | ||
| This is 100% free. | ||
| This is such a bonanza for them. | ||
| It must be great. | ||
| They're so fucking good. | ||
| I ate a whole container of these. | ||
| I panic when I get low. | ||
| They send them to you from Boston? | ||
| Yeah, they send them to me from Boston. | ||
| They ship them to me. | ||
| I panic when I get low. | ||
| I fucking panic. | ||
| They're the best fucking snack ever. | ||
| And guilt-free. | ||
| 100% kill free. | ||
| You're eating cucumbers. | ||
| I see it in front of the TV. I snack the fuck out on these things and I don't feel bad. | ||
| I'll down a whole bag of popcorn, kettle corn, or I'll fuck up a whole bag of cheesy popcorn, popcorn with cheese on it, or potato chips with vinegar and salt. | ||
| I'll fuck up a whole bag and then I'll feel like a loser. | ||
| And I'll wait an hour and a half and I'll lift weights. | ||
| I will. | ||
| I'm like, I can't be a pussy. | ||
| I can't just go to bed on that like a fat slob because that's step one to death. | ||
|
unidentified
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Exactly. | |
| So I'll make sure I do deadlifts in an hour and a half when the potato chips have dropped down. | ||
| That's good for you. | ||
| But I eat these, I don't feel guilty. | ||
| If you're in Boston, first of all, you're fucked because it gets too cold there in the winter and that shit's ridiculous. | ||
| And the women are too content. | ||
| I went to high school up there, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's not the place. | |
| It's not the place. | ||
| It's a beautiful place. | ||
| I loved it, but you know what? | ||
| It made me me. | ||
| I remember wrestling and sucking weight in that winter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it was good times. | ||
| I did that as well. | ||
| Walking around like a rail in that, you know, zero. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Excuse me. | ||
| I'm in the middle of a podcast. | ||
| That's my kids. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I have to get a studio. | ||
| This is why. | ||
| My kids are crazy. | ||
| The sound of children in the background is fantastic. | ||
| There's always like a new emergency. | ||
| That's not really an emergency. | ||
| My dolly's eye fell off. | ||
| We're going to have to glue it back on. | ||
| Is it going to be okay? | ||
| I'm pretty sure we can glue it. | ||
| It becomes a huge issue. | ||
| I have fake tea every morning now. | ||
| Oh, I do too. | ||
| I have tea parties. | ||
| I did tea parties yesterday with both of them. | ||
| Yeah, but my daughter's going to milk the cow. | ||
| You have to actually drink it, too. | ||
| You have to actually drink the fake tea. | ||
| Oh, I have to blow on it first. | ||
| I'm like, I've got to go. | ||
| She's like, where do you have to blow on it? | ||
| I'm like, come on. | ||
| Yeah, but it's important to play with them, man. | ||
| I enjoy... | ||
| Well, let's get through the fucking podcast first. | ||
| This is not a commercial, but this is a commercial. | ||
| The Grillo's Pickles things. | ||
| This is 100% for free, just because I love them and their pickles are fucking fantastic and they're nice people. | ||
| Anyway, the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is actually sponsored... | ||
| Where's that phone? | ||
| Give me that phone, man. | ||
| Oh, the Samsung Galaxy 3? | ||
| Yeah, I got a Galaxy 3 from Ting. | ||
| This is going to be one of our new sponsors. | ||
| Ting runs on the Sprint Network, so they have excellent service and there's no contracts and... | ||
| And they have some dope phones, including this Samsung Galaxy 3. Wait, so what is Ting? | ||
| Ting is actually... | ||
| Ting is a new mobile company. | ||
| It's like, there's alternative... | ||
| They rent space on Sprint. | ||
| I don't want to speak out of school because I haven't read their literature, but essentially what it is is they run on the Sprint network, they rent the Sprint network, but... | ||
| They take a different risk than Sprint does. | ||
| They rent the service and they say, listen, we'll charge you by what you use. | ||
| You can quit when you want. | ||
| And you have no contract. | ||
| So it's a way better deal for someone who doesn't... | ||
| You might try this and go, you know what? | ||
| Fuck droids. | ||
| I need an iPhone. | ||
| I've got to get to AT&T. I've got to quit. | ||
| So if you quit, you don't have to worry about losing a ton of money or having to pay some contract breaking fee. | ||
| And... | ||
| If you use less on one month, you actually get credit for it on the next month. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, it's a really good company. | ||
| It's a good deal. | ||
| And you know, because they're on Sprint, it'll be good service. | ||
| But they're not an official sponsor yet, so this is another non-commercial commercial. | ||
| But I finally got a hold of one of these Samsung Galaxy 3s. | ||
| I hear that they are as good as it gets. | ||
| Yeah, it's supposed to be like a giant iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I need to find out, you know, what the operating system is like. | ||
| I need to... | ||
| Red Van hates these fucking things. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't like droids. | ||
| He doesn't believe in them. | ||
| But to me, it's just technology. | ||
| It's funny how computer people that are really into that, they fall into different camps. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Apples, the only way... | ||
| Yeah, they get crazy. | ||
| Yeah, you want to get an Apple, get a piece of shit. | ||
| I stick with Dell. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I'm not in your war, dude. | ||
| I have no dog in that fight. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Oh, match over fags. | ||
| Match over fags. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| Okay, I'm into guys. | ||
| You fucking dummy dum-dum. | ||
| We are actually legitimately sponsored only by Onnit. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. And Onnit is a company that provides me with AlphaBrain and... | ||
| I'm a part owner in the company, so when you support Ana, you actually support this podcast and support me. | ||
| Why did I become a part owner? | ||
| Because I 100% believe in what they're doing. | ||
| The ethics are absolutely perfect. | ||
| What they're trying to do is sell you the best shit possible for the lowest price point and make it as clean as possible so that no one feels ripped off. | ||
| When you buy 30 pills, there is a 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| You don't even have to return the product. | ||
| You just go, this isn't for me. | ||
| I've read things online by intelligent people that are claiming that it's a placebo. | ||
| I don't know how everybody's body works. | ||
| Everybody's different. | ||
| Everybody's body has a different reaction to Caffeine and alcohol and cigarettes and vitamins and I don't know yeah weed for sure I don't know how your body reacts to things but what I do know is that all of the nutrients inside of alpha brain have been proven to have a positive effect on human cognitive function and there are studies behind that and we're actually putting together our own study it's about to go live we've established a protocol and And it will be a double-blind placebo | ||
| study at a legitimate university to show everyone that there is a noticeable, measurable benefit in taking nutrients. | ||
| I 100% believe this. | ||
| I've been a big fan of vitamins for a long time. | ||
| I'm very sensitive to my body. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, especially my nipples. | |
| Touch yourself. | ||
| I'm very sensitive to my body. | ||
| I know when I smell. | ||
| I know when I feel good. | ||
| I know the difference when I take fish oil and I don't take fish oil. | ||
| I always talk about this. | ||
| For jujitsu, if you take jujitsu, there's two things that are a must. | ||
| Acidophilus and fish oil. | ||
| Acidophilus, healthy bacteria, very important. | ||
| Keeps staph away? | ||
| So important. | ||
| Ringworm, everything. | ||
| And colds as well. | ||
| Because when you come in contact with colds, a lot of it is through your hands touching things. | ||
| But what acidophilus is, is this yeast and milk culture is a very aggressive culture. | ||
| And it's mutually compatible with your body. | ||
| So you can take it and you're fine. | ||
| And it's all over your skin. | ||
| When it comes in contact with some bugs, it just gangs up on it and beats the fuck out of the disease. | ||
| It's like having an army. | ||
| It's like having a healthy army. | ||
| That kombucha that you grab from my fridge. | ||
| You never find my fridge unless it's got kombucha in it. | ||
| It's never not stocked with... | ||
| It's got a mushroom bacteria in it. | ||
| It's got healthy things that you take in your body. | ||
| Well, we have to realize that our bodies are not just your body. | ||
| It's not just, you know, hey, I'm Brian Callan, and this is my blood and my water. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of stuff in there. | ||
| And the other thing that they are finding is that essentially your body is almost like an ecosystem in its own. | ||
| It's made up mostly of organisms. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| It's mostly of microbes and good bacteria and bad bacteria. | ||
| And when you keep the balance of bad bacteria in relation to the good versus the bad, that's how you maintain good health. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And a lot of scientists now are working on cultivating the bacteria in your body so that you have only good bacteria or you manage it accordingly. | ||
| And that's the future in some circles of how you're going to be even healthier in the future. | ||
| What we're trying to provide on it is all things that have a positive effect on the human body. | ||
| All of our supplements, like AlphaBrain, ShroomTech is another one. | ||
| ShroomTech is based on the cordyceps mushroom, which has been shown to have a positive effect on your ability to assimilate oxygen. | ||
| And this was actually discovered by high-altitude herders. | ||
| They found that their animals were eating these mushrooms and they were having more energy. | ||
| They were moving around more. | ||
| And there was a noticeable difference so they started eating them. | ||
| And the way they grow them is fucking crazy. | ||
| It's a fungus. | ||
| They actually have to grow it on caterpillars. | ||
|
unidentified
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What? | |
| It's insane. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| And it's really hard to cultivate, and it's really fucking expensive. | ||
| But if you use a code name ROGEN, you get 10% off any and all the supplements. | ||
| Everything we sell you is the best shit you can buy. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| It might not be the cheapest, but it's the cheapest we can sell it, and it's the best shit possible. | ||
| Like hemp force protein. | ||
| Hemp protein is the easiest protein for your body to digest. | ||
| It's much easier than whey protein. | ||
| I like whey. | ||
| I love muscle milk and stuff like that, but it fucking lights my asshole up like a cannon. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to digest sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, whey is not nearly as easy as hemp. | ||
| There's some good hemp. | ||
| There's Manitoba Harvest. | ||
| I've used that stuff before. | ||
| It's like a chocolate hemp. | ||
| But it cannot fuck with hemp force. | ||
| Hemp force tastes so much better. | ||
| And one of the reasons is because we use the best quality hemp hearts. | ||
| We use hemp hearts, the best quality you can get. | ||
| It's so hard to get that you can only buy 50 pounds of it a day. | ||
| So we have to put a new order in every day. | ||
| Because these hemp hearts, we can't grow them in America because of this cunting government. | ||
| And even though Vermont and two other states have passed laws allowing them to grow the non-psychoactive plants. | ||
| Federal government won't allow them. | ||
| The federal government said they would come in and arrest people and in no unequivocal terms... | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Clearly they said. | ||
| Clearly they said they would put people in jail. | ||
| It's fucking horrible. | ||
| It's horrible to think about that you would arrest someone for growing a plant. | ||
| There's a lot of money involved in enforcing marijuana laws. | ||
| Well, the marijuana laws have nothing to do with hemp, which is really crazy because you literally can't get high off hemp. | ||
| That's another thing that people keep asking me. | ||
| If you eat this hemp force, am I going to test positive for THC at work? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you absolutely will not. | ||
| However, if you eat a poppy seed bagel, you'll test positive for heroin. | ||
| Something a lot of people don't know. | ||
| That's why they tell Olympic athletes and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's happened to people that have had heroin tests at work. | ||
| That's happened to people who eat a lot of poppy seed bagels. | ||
| You test positive for the same metabolite. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So you don't have to worry about that with Hemp Force, which is so crazy. | ||
| We have to buy this shit in another country. | ||
| We would, Onnit would be willing to grow it in America, hire American farmers to grow it, and give people jobs and help the American economy. | ||
| But no, this cunting government with its horrible corruption, And deep-rooted ties to pharmaceutical companies literally won't even let anything close to marijuana in. | ||
| And if you want to read how closely tied they are to the pharmaceutical companies, pick up a book called The China Study by T. Colin Campbell, PhD, who was on the inside of all this stuff and was on the National Board of Sciences. | ||
| And he's a nutritional scientist out of Cornell University. | ||
| It is a fascinating book and expose on how industry has hijacked how you eat, why the school lunch program, 28 million counting children, eat what the dairy industry, the meat industry, and the sugar lobby wants them to eat because it's big business, and why children are suffering from diabetes and a host of other chronic illnesses. | ||
| Don't take my word for it. | ||
| Look at a credible scientist and real data to support what I'm saying. | ||
| It is fascinating. | ||
| This is a guy on the inside who knows all the scientists and the academics who can take money from the same corporation they're doing research for. | ||
| The point is, we're on a fucking pirate ship, so that's why Hemp Force is expensive. | ||
| It's really the only reason. | ||
| It's a high-quality food that we should be able to grow in this country. | ||
| We just started selling exercise equipment. | ||
| Oh, Hemp Force also has maca in it and raw cocoa. | ||
| Raw cocoa is a very powerful antioxidant. | ||
| Just had some today. | ||
| And maca stimulates testosterone growth, son. | ||
| Get that libido on, kid! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| Even if testosterone is a bad substance. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to be banned eventually. | ||
| They're going to want a world filled with pussy. | ||
| Do you really want horny men running through your neighborhood? | ||
| It'll never work, though. | ||
| Dude, we're going to have to be... | ||
| We're going to talk about this as soon as this commercial is over. | ||
| Kettlebells. | ||
| That's what I'm all about, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And we sell a host of kettlebells in packages at Onnit.com. | ||
| And again, these bitches aren't cheap, but they're the best quality you can get, as cheap as we can sell them. | ||
| They are essentially cannonballs with handles on them. | ||
| They're fucking fantastic. | ||
| They're Troy kettlebells. | ||
| They're the best we could buy. | ||
| They have the perfect dimensions. | ||
| They're fucking so durable. | ||
| You buy them once, you have exercise equipment for life. | ||
| They literally are a lifelong tool. | ||
| They will never break. | ||
| They're a fucking iron cannonball with a handle on it. | ||
| Where's a good place to get kettlebell exercises? | ||
| Online. | ||
| YouTube is the best. | ||
| It's free. | ||
| YouTube is free. | ||
| We're making a kettlebell DVD that you can work out along with me with Steve Maxwell. | ||
| Steve Maxwell, who is a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, as well as a world-renowned kettlebell instructor and fitness instructor. | ||
| Just a brilliant guy. | ||
| I love having conversations with him about fitness because I always learn something new. | ||
| I've been working with him for years. | ||
| We make little videos on my cell phone. | ||
| He'll show me the exercise and we'll do a video. | ||
| He... | ||
| He's got a bunch of exercises that he's programmed for me. | ||
| One of them was just a full bodyweight exercise routine where I did nothing but bodyweight. | ||
| Something I could do in a hotel with a towel over a door. | ||
| He's really into that. | ||
| I love that, man. | ||
| So you can do a full workout. | ||
| And it's a brutal bodyweight workout. | ||
| It's fucking one-legged squats and shit like that. | ||
| One-arm push-ups. | ||
| You can get in crazy shape. | ||
| Oh, Hindu push-ups, Hindu squats. | ||
| And it's a ruthless, ruthless workout that you can do in a little room. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Push a chair to the side and you've got a gym in your hotel room. | ||
| It takes 15 minutes to kill yourself, actually. | ||
| So we're going to make DVDs and have them also for sale at Onnit. | ||
| So Steve Maxwell's in, which I'm very excited about because I wanted to make sure that if I'm doing a video, I don't want to fuck anybody's backup. | ||
| I want to fucking do everything wrong, my monkey ass, and then have you do it. | ||
| So we'll have that soon. | ||
| And I'm going to record the Joe Rogan soundtrack in the background. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's a Joe Rogan. | |
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| What's the soundtrack? | ||
| Well, this is the podcast about to start now. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN. Get 10% off any and all supplements at Onnit.com, including the hemp force and the kettlebells and the battle ropes, however. | ||
| We're selling those bitches as cheap as we can. | ||
| Battle ropes are the cheapest you can find on the internet. | ||
| And battle ropes are another awesome caveman-style manly motherfucking workout. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Hit it. | ||
| I was just going to say, when you sing a Joe Rogan song, you've got to get down deep like this. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't have the whole song, but I've got certain verses. | |
| Joe Rogan, he is your friend. | ||
| Joe Rogan, he is the man. | ||
| Joe Rogan, he's got the best damn podcast in the land. | ||
| He's got a thick short neck and a wide face and very expressive eyes. | ||
| Very expressive eyes. | ||
| He's got a... | ||
| Long arms and short legs and a high-tied ass and a barrel of snakes for a back. | ||
| A barrel of snakes for a back. | ||
| Not to mention the fact that his lower extremities would be more at home on a mule than a human being. | ||
| He's Joe Rogan. | ||
| He's your friend. | ||
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| He is the man. | ||
| He's Joe Rogan. | ||
| He's got the best damn podcast in the land. | ||
| Thank you very much, everybody. | ||
| I didn't know if I should help you end it. | ||
| Dude, that's all I have. | ||
| That's all I have, man. | ||
| It's emotional. | ||
| I can't, you guys. | ||
| Maybe I'll add some more verses, but that's all I've got for now. | ||
| How was Schomburg in Illinois? | ||
| I started singing that stupid song in the shower. | ||
| You sing that song? | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know why. | |
| I woke up in the morning and I was like, I'm bored. | ||
|
unidentified
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And I was like, Joe Rogan, he is my friend. | |
| His name is Joe Rogan. | ||
| And I started breaking down your body. | ||
| You might have like the worst sense of beat and rhythm ever. | ||
| Oh, dude, I'm the terrible singer. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm the worst. | |
| Somebody please put that to music so I can just revel and play it on a loop in my car. | ||
| I would be a terrible musician, dude. | ||
| Why were you thinking about my body when you were by yourself? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I was soaking myself down. | ||
| Yeah, and I was touching myself. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| Makes me feel weird, man. | ||
| I was just feeling, I was feeling, I wanted to be as thick and wide as you. | ||
| No, I'm really happy about it. | ||
|
unidentified
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As thick and wide. | |
| I can't go north to south, so I go east to west. | ||
| Yeah, you're thick. | ||
| I'm meant to be carrying bricks up hills. | ||
| Yeah, there's the thing about it. | ||
| Even back in the day, you were always working out, and you had big hands. | ||
| Big hands. | ||
| Your arms are long. | ||
| Legs are short. | ||
| Arms are long. | ||
| Well, my legs aren't short. | ||
| My upper body's short. | ||
| Oh, that's okay. | ||
| Yeah, my legs are actually pretty long. | ||
| Yeah, actually, it's true. | ||
| Your legs are actually, yeah. | ||
| My body's very weird. | ||
| You're actually, your body, it's designed like... | ||
| Carry rocks up hills. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sicilian stonemasons. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm half Sicilian. | ||
| What happened to me? | ||
| I'm built for dance. | ||
| You're built for rocks, and I'm built for dance. | ||
| Fucking annoys me. | ||
| I'm built to gesture and emote. | ||
| Well, that's one of the things I think I like about kettlebells. | ||
| I feel like I'm working hard. | ||
| Put in a fucking hard kettlebell workout, man. | ||
| It's like you're, you know, you're really going to war. | ||
| You're really fighting something. | ||
| It's not just like doing a bench. | ||
| I've never done a really hard kettlebell workout. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Maybe you'll take me through one. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You're in my house. | ||
| Before I feed you the grass-fed steaks that I got. | ||
| We've got some grass-fed steaks. | ||
| I'm too high right now, but we'll do it afterwards. | ||
| A little too high to work out? | ||
| It's the best time to work out. | ||
|
unidentified
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Is it? | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I don't smoke enough weed. | ||
| You don't smoke enough weed. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You've got to get comfortable with the waves. | ||
| It's like if you don't know how to surf and you get on a board and the wave hits you, you're going to fall on your ass. | ||
| Why? | ||
| And you're like, I can't handle the wave. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You just don't know how to handle the wave yet. | ||
| You gotta learn how to ride the weed waves. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's the whole life. | |
| When someone's high all the time, they can just handle being high. | ||
| They can handle being high talking to a cop. | ||
| They can handle being high buying tickets at the movie theater. | ||
| It's not that big a deal. | ||
| They're used to the boat. | ||
| They're used to the waves, man. | ||
| They're used to that experience. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| You lift weights when you're high, you feel your muscles, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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You feel your tissue. | |
| You do feel everything way more intense. | ||
| You feel it. | ||
| Everything pops, stretches better. | ||
| It feels great when you stretch high. | ||
| Stretching high is like one of the great pleasures. | ||
|
unidentified
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And you roll high too, right? | |
| Oh yeah, I do jiu-jitsu high all the time. | ||
| Whatever you gave me, I have good energy right now. | ||
| Yeah, it's sativa. | ||
| It's called sage. | ||
| Sativa. | ||
| Yeah, it's a sativa. | ||
| It's all positive and energetic. | ||
| It's not like a... | ||
| I've never done stand-up high like this. | ||
| Yes, you have. | ||
| We got you high once before the show. | ||
| Yeah, actually, that's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| You did great. | ||
| You crushed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was fucking... | |
| That's right. | ||
| That was at the Ice House, and I started talking about saving a baby that was trapped under a smart car. | ||
| You should get high before every show, man. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Yeah, me will. | ||
| Why fuck around. | ||
| I think I will. | ||
| Why fuck around. | ||
| Lately on stage, I've been... | ||
| I don't know if this ever happens to you, but I'll get just a winkling of an idea, and I just start following it on stage, and sometimes it just starts forming itself. | ||
| Other times you're like, where am I going with this? | ||
| What are you doing this weekend? | ||
| You got gigs? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to be in... | ||
| Actually, I'm glad you reminded me. | ||
| I'll be in Vegas at the Paris, which is a great new room, and I'll be there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| Come out. | ||
| That's Court McGowan's place? | ||
| Court McGowan's place at the Paris, and it's great, and Court will be middling for me. | ||
| And I can't wait, man. | ||
| I had a great time in Schaumburg. | ||
| Thanks to everybody at Schaumburg and thanks to Joe Rogan because a lot of people came out because they listened to this and it was amazing, man. | ||
| I love those crowds. | ||
| I love that room. | ||
| It's a great room. | ||
| I love Chicago. | ||
| They're so nice. | ||
| Yeah, they're great. | ||
| They're just polite people. | ||
| They're better than us. | ||
| I love the way you said that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're better than us. | |
| They are better than us. | ||
| They're real people. | ||
| They have to deal with us in winter. | ||
| We're soft. | ||
| We're soft. | ||
| We're softer on the belly. | ||
| There's something that he said about having to deal with the winter. | ||
| They say that the people in the north developed faster technologically because they had to get ready for the winter. | ||
| Because the winter was something you had to develop a sense of time. | ||
| You had to figure out how to harvest, store food, and all the things that come with that. | ||
| And it required a higher level of technology and a higher level of sort of planning and, in some ways, discipline. | ||
| The criminals are way smarter on the East Coast. | ||
| Yeah, well, they're organized. | ||
| It's called the Mafia. | ||
| Those aren't the smart ones. | ||
| The Russians are the smart ones. | ||
| The Russians and the Chinese keep their fucking mouth closed. | ||
| The Italians start reality shows, like Mob Wives. | ||
| Can you imagine if a Russian chick tried to start a Mob Wives show? | ||
| They would kill that bitch. | ||
| But these weak-ass guineas are letting these fucking dumb broads go on TV and spout all their nonsense, basically indicting them on an entire life of crime. | ||
| You know what you're getting into when you're entering this life. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| So you're admitting your husband's a fucking criminal on TV, you dumb cunt? | ||
| Is that what you're doing? | ||
| Yeah, that's what you're doing. | ||
| If you are in a criminal empire, okay, if you're involved in something like that, you can't go on a reality show and just make light of it. | ||
| Like, it's no big deal to be a fucking mob wife. | ||
| Because I guarantee you there's some shit in that guy's past that he's denied. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he would say, no, no, no, I'm not a lifetime criminal. | ||
| You got your wife on TV talking about you being a mafia. | ||
| But if you're a real mafia guy, your wife doesn't know a damn thing. | ||
| No. | ||
| They found the head of the Chinese triads, they said, in New York. | ||
| And you know what he'd been doing for 15 years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Selling soda out of one of those push carts. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, that was his cover. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| How about that? | ||
| They're willing to take it to a level. | ||
| Hey, dude, this soda's not fucking... | ||
| It's warm. | ||
| Give me a fucking... | ||
| Give me a cold soda. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| He's ahead of a triad. | ||
| Yeah, he was dealing with that every day. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Ran the triad. | ||
| When they had that whole Gotti thing going on in New York, I remember going, what is going on? | ||
| They can't arrest the mafia guy? | ||
| The Teflon Don. | ||
| I met and spent a lot of time with his lawyer. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| I can't remember his name now. | ||
| It's killing me. | ||
| Bruce Buffer? | ||
| No, not Bruce Buffer. | ||
| Cotter? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| Cutler, Bruce Cutler. | ||
| Cutler? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Anyway, he looks like a big, thick guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a gorilla. | |
| I thought he was an Italian guy. | ||
| He goes, no, I'm Jewish. | ||
| I'm Jewish from Brooklyn. | ||
| I don't believe in violence. | ||
| But I was a wrestler. | ||
| He was a wrestler. | ||
| And he never lost, he said. | ||
| But he was a really great guy. | ||
| And what is his name? | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| We've got to Google that. | ||
| But he was such a good guy. | ||
| And we had so much fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Was he a good guy? | ||
| Is it Bruce Cutler or Bruce? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy. | ||
| He's got a great sense of humor. | ||
| And he was just talking about how defending somebody – they're going to send you away for a thousand years. | ||
| I'm going to defend you. | ||
| I'm going to do everything I can. | ||
| Bruce Cutler. | ||
| Yeah, Bruce Cutler. | ||
| He said about Gotti, he said, I have defended some very formidable men, and that is the one guy who really lived what he spoke, what he said. | ||
| I was in there. | ||
| Did I ever tell you a story about being in Little Italy in 91, let's call it? | ||
| And it might even be, yeah, something like that. | ||
| I think it was even in 90. And it was early. | ||
| And I was at, and he had a, I can't remember the name of his social club, but it was right near a restaurant called Cafe Sorrento. | ||
| And we used to go there. | ||
| And right next door was the social club, oh, come on, what's it called? | ||
| Mulberry something. | ||
| Something like that, Mulberry social club. | ||
| And I'll never forget, and that's where Gotti and his boys used to hang out. | ||
| You'd see these just rough-looking dudes with earpieces, and the car would pull up and stuff. | ||
| I remember I was eating at the outdoor cafe. | ||
| I was with this girl, and I saw these two dudes in suits with open shirts. | ||
| Ravenite Social Club. | ||
| Ravenite Social Club. | ||
| And Cafe Sorrento was right next door. | ||
| And I remember seeing these two just... | ||
| Giant men walking out on their way clearly to do, I could smell it, I could see it, clearly to do something bad. | ||
| Clearly to do something like, you know. | ||
| And I remember looking at how big and formidable they were and how they were basically professional knuckle breakers. | ||
| I thought to myself, that would put the fear of God in you. | ||
| You better be ready for guys who are going to, you know. | ||
| Yeah, because the cops are going to come and then they're going to go. | ||
| And those guys are going to wait. | ||
| They're going to come back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That's what their job is to get that done. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They go like this. | ||
| They go, have a nice evening. | ||
| Have a good evening. | ||
| And then they come back and your whole place is burned down. | ||
| See you soon, fuckface. | ||
| It's a very scary thing to have organized crime. | ||
| Well, corporations and technology actually took a big bite out of organized crime. | ||
| They couldn't shake down local businesses anymore because they weren't. | ||
| They were all LLCs and things. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| The Ravenite Social Club is now a shoe store. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's like shoes and purse. | ||
| And the way they brought down God, you ever hear the story? | ||
| The guy who used to run the Ravenite Social Club managed it. | ||
| He was the guy who took care of cleaning the tables and everything else. | ||
| They sent a cop in there, this beautiful woman. | ||
| She was a cop. | ||
| She banged him on the table. | ||
| And as he was banging on the table, she put a mic under the table. | ||
| And that is how she took one for the team, went in there, fucked this guy, took some cock, bang, put it under there, and brought the whole thing down. | ||
| What if she came? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| What if she was so turned on by the fucking scandal at all? | ||
| She was a sexual patriot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I appreciate that. | ||
| Sexual patriot is a new distinction. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| I've never heard of a sexual patriot before. | ||
| Oh, by the way, everybody, thank you for making Man Thoughts with Brian Callen, number nine, yesterday. | ||
| Thanks to the Joe Rogan podcast, because I know a lot of you guys are just going over from here to there. | ||
| I mean, that's kind of crazy. | ||
| People love you. | ||
| I started talking about the 10-minute podcast. | ||
| I started talking about my podcast. | ||
| The next day. | ||
| The next day. | ||
| My buddy was like, you're number 13, dude, on iTunes. | ||
| Have you ever seen the YouTube comments whenever we request people to go look at a video? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I recommended an Allman Brothers song the other day, and you go to the song now, and for the first three pages, it just says, like, powerful Joe Rogan, Olive Garden, Butthole. | ||
| Ah, it's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it's hilarious. | ||
| Joe Rogan sent me. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| What do you think is the, well, I mean, your podcast has become a bit of a phenomenon, and, you know, as long as I've known you, the one thing I know about you is that you've never, ever lied. | ||
| You're just an authentic dude, and you, for better or for worse, for better or for worse, you were always the guy, and when you were young, it was so inconvenient, because if you didn't like somebody in that circle, you'd be like, I don't fucking like you. | ||
| I don't like you. | ||
| So there it is. | ||
| I mean, it was basically that, or they figured out real quick that you just had a problem with it. | ||
| really ridiculous people in your life. | ||
| And I loved you. | ||
| And I'd be hanging around with you and I'd see all these problems in your life. | ||
| And it drove me crazy. | ||
| Because it wasn't just that I didn't like this guy. | ||
| I was mad that this guy was wasting your time with nonsense. | ||
| These idiots and liars and frauds and dummies. | ||
| And you didn't want to hurt their feelings, so you accommodated them. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And I was offended. | ||
| I was offended by them. | ||
| I was offended by them for being so weak to run this weak game. | ||
| And then you were accepting this weak game so they didn't grow. | ||
| Do you know a lot of young people listen to this? | ||
| And you know what I figured out after a while and why I don't do that anymore? | ||
| Why I don't suffer fools anymore? | ||
| Because... | ||
| When you suffer fools like that, what you're doing is actually taking your time away from real people, people who do deserve your time, who are not imposters. | ||
| It's not good for them either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you let a fool be a fool, they have to be a fool. | |
| By saying that that's who they are and you just accept that, they're never going to grow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I don't know if they can grow. | ||
| I don't know what their potential for growth is. | ||
| But we're not going to fucking find out if you tolerate them. | ||
| You can't do it because you lose all your energy. | ||
| It's actually a form of high-tech procrastination. | ||
| If I think back on it, I think a lot of it was just high-tech procrastination. | ||
| We do, as human beings, astonishing things. | ||
| To ensure our own failure, or to at least ensure that we don't realize our potential. | ||
| True potential. | ||
| And we do crazy things, like have a family with three kids that we, and with a woman we don't like, or take a job that we have to take because we've got to hold down this massive nut we create for ourselves, when what we should be doing, and actually, in Turning Pro, he talks about this a lot. | ||
| Pressfield, yeah. | ||
| Pressfield. | ||
| And the war of art. | ||
| And the War of Heart. | ||
| So we do these things. | ||
| It's very hard. | ||
| And I always tell people, I say, if you really want to try and exercise, just ask yourself if you couldn't fail. | ||
| If you couldn't fail, you can get anything you want. | ||
| Just make a list of what you really want in Technicolor and see what it does to you. | ||
| It's hard to face up to it. | ||
| A lot of people have competing notions in their own mind about money. | ||
| You have all these weird things like money can't buy you happiness, it's the root of all evil, but we all want money. | ||
| Within our own mind, we have these major conflicts of interest whenever you bring up the word money because it conjures up both negative and positive images in us. | ||
| That's interesting to me because you and I know that if you make enough money, you can do a lot of good with it. | ||
| You can make a difference with it. | ||
| So everybody should be trying in some way to be, it's not just about money, but trying to be the best they can be because you'll make a difference. | ||
| But I think within ourselves, part of the human problem and something you have to face up as you get older is the fact that there are a lot of contradictions within your own mind because they've been given to you. | ||
| You know, it's really hard sometimes to just have because you have to actually think you deserve it. | ||
| And most of us are conditioned to be guilty about having too much, you know. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's a lot of people in this country that feel like it's okay to be angry at you because you're successful. | ||
| There's a lot of people that will say like, oh, fucking rich asshole. | ||
| Much less in this country than other countries, and I'll tell you why. | ||
| And one of the strengths of our country is this, and George Will has a great, he gave a great speech about this. | ||
| The great thing about America is that all of us out there know, and I hope we're not losing sight of this because in some ways you can get cynical about the way this world is wired now, but the bottom line is a lot of Americans know, I may be poor today, but if I do the right thing, I might be rich tomorrow. | ||
| And that sense of potential in the American character is what drives this economy. | ||
| It's why we're so innovative. | ||
| That's all well and good as an ideal, but the real problem has nothing to do with America as an ideal. | ||
| The real problem has to do with weakness of character and people not liking people who are successful. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, I had a friend who will remain nameless, but he's a very nice guy and he's a comedian. | ||
| He's sort of a bit of the self-hating, nebbishy type. | ||
| And he's like, you're always doing this with your body. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why have all these muscles? | ||
| Why be in shape? | ||
| Why are you so concentrated on that? | ||
| Like, for real. | ||
| I go, if I gave you a pill, And in that pill, all you can do is you take this pill and all of a sudden you're a super athlete. | ||
| You're a person who's unlike 99.9% of the people you run on the street. | ||
| You're a martial arts expert. | ||
| You could choke people. | ||
| You could kick the shit out of them if you wanted to. | ||
| You can defend yourself. | ||
| Wouldn't you take that pill? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I would. | ||
| I go, well, that pill is just hard work. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you do hard work, you become that. | ||
| And consistency. | ||
| See, I did it without a pill. | ||
| Consistency. | ||
| Yeah, it's the same thing. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with being in shape. | ||
| The only thing that's wrong with being in shape is if you're not in shape, and you see a guy's in shape, and you see a woman react to that guy in shape in a very sexually attracted way, it makes you feel uncomfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| So you want to pull the go-post back. | ||
| You want to make the game easier. | ||
| You don't want to compete with this guy, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it starts with, like I always tell people, you know, first ask yourself, be honest with yourself, man. | ||
| Sit there alone and ask yourself what you really want. | ||
| I mean, ask yourself in detail. | ||
| Then, don't go, like if you have to get your PhD or something ridiculous, don't look at the top of the mountain. | ||
| Just take an action every day. | ||
| I don't care what it is, one little action. | ||
| And that's what I do. | ||
| Like, just keep taking it. | ||
| It's like working out. | ||
| Show up. | ||
| I don't give a shit if you start with five minutes. | ||
| When you show up too, you develop momentum. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| When you start developing momentum, the human being relies a lot on momentum. | ||
| We're a habit. | ||
| We're beasts of habit and momentum. | ||
| And when you have a habit of working out all the time, if I don't work out for a few days, I feel super uncomfortable. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I don't feel good. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| You have to exercise on a regular, regular basis. | ||
| And when you do that, you develop momentum. | ||
| When I write a lot, I'm writing. | ||
| I get on a momentous schedule. | ||
| Sort of a wave and I feel good about it and it becomes a part of my habit. | ||
| That's what you have to do is give yourself positive habits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Positive habits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Positive habits. | |
| Success is a habit by the way. | ||
| You're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Be proud. | ||
| Be proud of getting work done. | ||
| Be happy that you're getting work done. | ||
| I mean that is what you do. | ||
| But you know a lot of people also remember you surround yourself with a lot of people who aren't happy for you. | ||
| They're not actually your friends. | ||
| But what they are is they're comfort. | ||
| They're creatures of comfort. | ||
| They're not actually your friends. | ||
| And I think it's important sometimes you got to change your fucking gang. | ||
| Well, one of the reasons why you and I were such good friends when I met you is like, first of all, you were the closest guy to me I've ever met in my life. | ||
| I was like, holy shit, here's this guy who's exactly like me. | ||
| And you required nothing. | ||
| You had no, like, what, man? | ||
| You're not going to come to my birthday party? | ||
| There was no creepy, dummy shit in there. | ||
| And I had just gotten out of a friendship where I had to kick a guy out of my life. | ||
| Because I was friends with him when I was broke, and then once I got on television, he got really fucking jealous. | ||
| And he said a lot of dumb shit. | ||
| I asked him not to give away my phone number. | ||
| I said I have two phone numbers. | ||
| Because I've always had a media phone and a regular phone. | ||
| Because when you do media, like you do radio shows, they have to call you back. | ||
| I want to have a phone where if I pull it out of the wall, I don't give a fuck who calls. | ||
| So I have that phone. | ||
| So I said, just do me a favor. | ||
| Your friend, who by the way, just got out of a mental institution, would you do me a favor and just give him my other phone? | ||
| He doesn't fucking care about you, man, just because you're on TV. Your friend just got out of a mental institution. | ||
| He's fucking crazy. | ||
| All I'm asking is, if you're going to bring this crazy guy into my life by connection, give him the media phone. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| And he went in this, whoa, you think you're such a fucking badass because you're on TV? I'm like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this? | |
| What are you even talking about, man? | ||
| I'm asking you not to give your crazy friend my number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's it. | ||
| And all of a sudden it has to become some attack on my success. | ||
| And it wasn't even a big success. | ||
| It was just a little part of a sitcom. | ||
| But you remind them of what they're not doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I think a lot of people go into this notion of scarcity, this idea that there's... | ||
| Only a certain amount of the pie. | ||
| And if somebody else is doing well, I'm not going to do well. | ||
| They're not even thinking that. | ||
| All they're thinking about is themselves. | ||
| They're not looking at it as this giant picture of resources. | ||
| All they're doing is just like being a baby. | ||
| All they're saying is, what about me? | ||
| I had a friend who got a part. | ||
| And as he got a part, he got a part in a sitcom. | ||
| His girlfriend started crying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm never gonna get anything. | |
| What about me? | ||
| Like, this guy just got a part in a sitcom. | ||
| He was so happy. | ||
| He was like, I can't believe I got it. | ||
| I nailed the audition. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| I worked with my acting professional. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a huge deal, man. | |
| What about me? | ||
| That's why I don't date actresses. | ||
| Actresses. | ||
| That's part of the song. | ||
| I have a very strict no headshots policy. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| I always steal that because I went through my headshots phase and I just stopped doing it. | ||
| Yeah, you learn. | ||
| You don't want to date anybody that's as fucked up as you are. | ||
| That's very important. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the bottom line. | |
| I can manage my fucked up-edness. | ||
| I don't want to introduce yours into the equation as well. | ||
| The other day on stage I was talking about my daughter and I was like, I just don't want her to date a guy like me. | ||
| So I've got to play a character for the next 15 years. | ||
| So she imprints on somebody different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well, my friend said, what are you going to do if they start dating girls? | |
| Or start dating boys? | ||
| I'm like, guess what? | ||
| Girls like boys. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Boys like girls, too. | ||
| The only thing you can do is this. | ||
| Here's my philosophy. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| They're supposed to like girls. | ||
| And girls are supposed to like boys. | ||
| And just instill them with the right values and a good mind. | ||
| They're going to make their mistakes. | ||
| That's all you can do. | ||
| People are just afraid of their children growing up. | ||
| And by the way, make sure, if they're looking up to a yoker like Kim Kardashian, just give them an alternative. | ||
| They're not going to look up to that dummy. | ||
| It's real sad. | ||
| If you don't fuck your kids up, if you raise them like they're friends and you talk to them and communicate with them, they're not going to be attracted to something as stupid as the life of Kim Kardashian. | ||
| I remember watching you with... | ||
| There's humor in that. | ||
| Yeah, I remember watching you with your first daughter and you would talk to her like an adult. | ||
| And when I would talk to her like this... | ||
| I didn't know anything about kids. | ||
| Well, we play. | ||
| I play with my kids. | ||
| But I talk to them and I think kids know a lot more than you think they know. | ||
| I mean, I'm down to play princess. | ||
| I'm down to pretend Santa Claus is real. | ||
| I'm down for pretend. | ||
| But when it comes to emotions, one of the first things I do whenever I catch them doing something wrong, like they hate each other or yell at each other, I always tell them that I did the same thing. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Like one of them bit her sister the other day. | ||
| I go, I bit a little girl when I was five. | ||
| Got in trouble, bit some girl in her hand. | ||
| She was sticking her hand in my mouth. | ||
| I'm like, fuck you, bitch. | ||
| I bit her hand. | ||
| So I told her how bad I felt. | ||
| I might still do that. | ||
| After the first three times, you put your hand in my mouth. | ||
| Watching her little four-year-old eyes look at me and realize that I used to be dumb. | ||
| It wasn't just her daddy. | ||
| It wasn't just an adult. | ||
| At one point in time, I was a little child as well, just like her. | ||
| I was telling her, I very remember biting this girl. | ||
| It was very traumatic. | ||
| I shouldn't have done it, and the girl was mad, and her mom was mad, and I felt like an idiot, you know? | ||
| And her mom's like, why didn't you just slug her? | ||
| You didn't have to bite her. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm sorry. | ||
| I mean, I didn't even break skin or anything. | ||
| It was just so dumb. | ||
| The worst thing for me, the worst times in my life I can always remember was when I was embarrassed. | ||
| Do you tell your kids this? | ||
| Would somebody embarrass me? | ||
| No, I haven't really. | ||
| I haven't told my daughter that, who's old enough now to understand. | ||
| Yeah, I do, man. | ||
| I'm going to start. | ||
| Anytime there's any sort of an issue, I think that's one of the most important things. | ||
| The same with my stepdaughter. | ||
| She was an old daughter. | ||
| I've always done the same thing with her. | ||
| I mean, say stepdaughter. | ||
| She's my daughter. | ||
| Well, that's what I was talking about. | ||
| But when I communicate with her, it's the same thing. | ||
| It's always got to be that they're a human being. | ||
| Well, you're giving them the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| Actually, they have the same mind as we do. | ||
| They don't have context. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| That's what it is with children. | ||
| And when you bring them into your world like that and you communicate with them, then they'll bring you into their thoughts as well. | ||
| It's amazing how much my four-year-old just opens up and talks to me about how she feels about things and what bothers her. | ||
| Do you think that you have a... | ||
| I was just talking about this with... | ||
| I just recorded something with Jay Moore on my podcast. | ||
| I asked him if he had a primary question that runs through his mind every day. | ||
| Do you think you wake up with a primary question? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't have one overriding question? | ||
| No, enjoy myself. | ||
| I think this is a journey. | ||
| I just think this is a ride. | ||
| Look, it is. | ||
| It's temporary. | ||
| It's not going to last. | ||
| I just want to enjoy myself. | ||
| I want to be amongst friends and have a good time. | ||
| Have a good time doing my stand-up, doing my work. | ||
| Have a good time doing jujitsu, hanging out with my boys at 10th Planet and John Jack Machado's. | ||
| Having a good time driving around listening to music, being nice to people. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like we're all a little too small in this giant universe to take ourselves too seriously. | ||
| Well, there's no benefit in it. | ||
| There's no benefit in self-grandeur. | ||
| The benefit is in friendship. | ||
| The benefit is in fun, laughter. | ||
| I'm so psyched about you coming over here. | ||
| We talked about this. | ||
| Our families are together. | ||
| Brian's wife's here. | ||
| We have the kids here. | ||
| I've got steaks. | ||
| We're going to play some music, listen to some music, and drink some wine. | ||
| That's what life's about. | ||
| That's what life's about. | ||
| Life is about having fun. | ||
| Didn't I say that to you? | ||
| I said we are going to mark our lives by the number of times we laughed with each other and were silly and were just surprising and shocking each other. | ||
| That's what it's about, man. | ||
| Stan Hope and I were on the phone the other day and he was drunk. | ||
| And he's like, you know, I could quit stand-up, but I couldn't quit stand-ups. | ||
| He goes, I don't need to do comedy anymore. | ||
| He goes, I never want to stop hanging out with comics. | ||
| Because, you know, he and I were just on the phone. | ||
| We're just laughing and talking shit and laughing and laughing. | ||
| He called me. | ||
| He was listening to the Jamie Kilstein podcast in a van filled with other people. | ||
| Like, he was on tour. | ||
| And he called me. | ||
| It sounded like a comedy club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I just want to tell you, we're listening to you right now and everybody has something to say to you. | |
| And then he holds up the phone and all the comics in the van are screaming and cheering and applauding. | ||
| Jamie Kilstein said some crazy shit about Tosh, shouldn't have said that rape joke. | ||
| He went Captain Feminist on people. | ||
| And then I called him back and we're just laughing. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| That's the kind of human beings you're supposed to be in contact with. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| That's an original. | ||
| What a stamp on life. | ||
| That guy's, he's just great. | ||
| I mean, he just, he looks over in the UFC and I'm sitting like literally like six, ten chairs away and he goes, he just leaves and goes, no drama, cocksucker, no drama. | ||
| And everybody's like, what the fuck is that guy saying? | ||
| And I was like, no drama, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No drama, cocksucker! | |
| We're doing an End of the World show with Joey Diaz, Doug Stanhope, me, and a band called Honey Honey. | ||
| I'll be in the audience, I'll tell you that much. | ||
| December 21st, 2012. I'll be there. | ||
| In Hollywood, and it's going to be at the Wiltern Theater. | ||
| I'll come on stage as you again. | ||
| Well, Stanhope is also coming to the Ice House this Friday night. | ||
| So if you're coming to the Ice House, we've got shows at the Ice House. | ||
| It's me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir tonight and tomorrow. | ||
| I'll be in Vegas, Stanhope. | ||
| And tonight, Doug Stanhope's, or not tonight and tomorrow. | ||
| What am I, retarded? | ||
| Today's Wednesday. | ||
| I don't even know what day it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Friday night and Saturday night, sorry. | ||
| At the Ice House and Friday night, Stan Hope's gonna be here. | ||
| Wish I could. | ||
| I would come after that. | ||
| I've never met Stan Hope and I'm a big fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd love to meet him. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| So important. | ||
| He's so important to me. | ||
| He's like, he's a real guy. | ||
| He's refreshing. | ||
| He's really doing it. | ||
| He's refreshing. | ||
| Yeah, and he's 100% legit. | ||
| He's a 100% legit, hilarious, headliner, He's a comedian who's just really into continuing to do that, albeit occasionally, reluctantly. | ||
| He's the real deal, man. | ||
| I was talking to Jay Moore today, and he said, what's your definition of heaven? | ||
| And I said, to be honest with you, man, I think it's just being on stage and doing stand-up. | ||
| I don't think I'll ever take time off away from you. | ||
| He's like, when are you going to retire? | ||
| I think I'm going to be Don Rickles. | ||
| I'll be 85 years old doing fucking stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Why not? | ||
| It's just so much fun. | ||
| And what else would I be doing? | ||
| Find me something else that's really fun. | ||
| Be like, you want to go skydiving? | ||
| Nah, I got... | ||
| If people still want to listen, I'll still be doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when they don't want to listen anymore, when you're doing like half-filled shows and the people are barely there, you're like, well, all right. | ||
| Maybe it's time to pack it in. | ||
| But then again, maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board and come up with new stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, it could be. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| I mean, you know, it could be that. | ||
| It could be a lapse. | ||
| But for some people, it's the end. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of people that get fat. | ||
| They just get fat in the brain. | ||
| Yeah, but you've got to keep feeding. | ||
| I always tell young comics, I'm like, feed your brain. | ||
| It's important to read everything if you can or as much as you can. | ||
| And keep asking yourself the next question. | ||
| It's how you stay dynamic. | ||
| It's how your material will grow. | ||
| And it's how you will grow as a person. | ||
| You know, one of the things... | ||
| I've been getting nothing but great feedback about this podcast I did with my dad. | ||
| Well, my dad's 72. What my dad continues to do and what I respect about him so much... | ||
| Is he continues to grow. | ||
| I watched this 72 year old guy taking Italian and going to Italy for three weeks and throwing himself into Italian. | ||
| When the fuck is he going to use Italian yet he doesn't care he takes it. | ||
| Reading these obscure things on quantum physics and stuff. | ||
| He's just always growing. | ||
| Well because he enjoys it. | ||
| I think what people have to realize, the reason why that's shocking to people is most people feel like there's a destination. | ||
| Well, I'm going to reach retirement. | ||
| When I reach retirement, then I'm going to change. | ||
| There is just now. | ||
| There is just life. | ||
| And you should think about the future, but your primary concern should be now. | ||
| It should be life. | ||
| And what do you enjoy doing? | ||
| Do you enjoy learning things? | ||
| Do you enjoy reading? | ||
| Do you enjoy... | ||
| Isolation tanks or fucking hikes or workouts. | ||
| Just grow. | ||
| Do that stuff. | ||
| And by the way, here's something for people to say, well, I can't do that because I've got to put food on the table for my kids. | ||
| You'll set a very, very good example to your children if you're following your dream and what you're supposed to be doing. | ||
| Children pick up on that. | ||
| They can pick up on whether you're doing drudgery or you're doing something inspiring for yourself. | ||
| And it'll make your household better, in my opinion. | ||
| That's easy for me to say, by the way, because I'm not having to pay bills all the time. | ||
| So I don't want to be too disrespectful of people who are actually trying to just make some money and figure their shit out. | ||
| But just keep in the back of your mind that... | ||
| Some people get an easy ride in this life. | ||
| We all know this. | ||
| Some people get really lucky and they get an easy ride in this life. | ||
| But... | ||
| That doesn't usually last. | ||
| Most of the people who get an easy ride, if they don't earn it, they wind up fucking it up. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Almost always. | ||
| That's very true. | ||
| And your ride is different than anybody else's ride. | ||
| As my ride is different from anybody else's ride. | ||
| But you gotta accept that. | ||
| Instead of being mad at other people's rides, you gotta only look at what you're dealt. | ||
| What is the hand you're dealt? | ||
| Move from there. | ||
| Don't worry about this guy who's a fucking rich prick. | ||
| He's born into a fucking rich house. | ||
| That's His dad's a fucking banker. | ||
| He's got all this money. | ||
| Kid thinks he's a... | ||
| That is not your concern, okay? | ||
| That guy's got his own problems. | ||
| If you concentrate on him and hate on him, that is wasted resources. | ||
| What you should be concentrating on is what hand were you dealt? | ||
| You know, well, I'm not so good at math, but you know what? | ||
| I think I want to be a rapper. | ||
| Be a rapper! | ||
| Concentrate on yourself. | ||
| Concentrate on one hand, your belt. | ||
| And please remember also, this is so important as I get older, there's no doubt about this. | ||
| Anybody you admire who's really good at something, whether it's the drums, jujitsu, math, whatever, please know this. | ||
| They've put in at least 10 years of really hard work. | ||
| Not always. | ||
| Some people are prodigies. | ||
| Sure, but anything that you want to get good at, you're going to have to put daily practice into and should always do it for the sake of the practice, not the result. | ||
| You get just as much, like somebody said, well, I don't know, by the time I get my psychology degree, I don't know. | ||
| Look, while you're trying to get your psychology degree, you're going to be meeting people you want to be around who are dynamic and interesting because they're going to be doing the same thing you're doing. | ||
| So the fun starts almost right away. | ||
| Well, people just get scared about long-term goals and long-term commitments. | ||
| It's like, just keep working. | ||
| You're going to keep working anyway on something, right? | ||
| Are you just going to stop moving? | ||
| Are you going to work on feeding yourself? | ||
| You're going to fucking move forward. | ||
| Tim Ferriss said something interesting in his book. | ||
| He goes, my goals, I don't set these 10-year goals. | ||
| I set 3-month goals, 6-month goals, 9-month goals, 12-month goals. | ||
| That's a good way to do it. | ||
| You can get a lot done in 3 months. | ||
| Just something simple. | ||
| I don't set any goals. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Never set goals. | ||
| I set objectives as far as what I want to get done in days during the day. | ||
| But my goal is to be doing what I want to do. | ||
| And I'm already doing that. | ||
| Oh yeah, but you've always... | ||
| So I don't have any goals. | ||
| But you've always had very clear notions. | ||
| Talk to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll go... | |
| I remember you going, I'm going to start my own TV show. | ||
| My own TV channel. | ||
| I remember you saying that before the podcast. | ||
| Then you were like, I'm going to do a podcast. | ||
| So you get these ideas and the difference between you is that once you get an idea... | ||
| Once you're into something, whether it's a video game or a sport, you're a cuckoo bird about it. | ||
| Fucking cuckoo. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| He goes, I just finished practicing Quake for 15 hours. | ||
| I fainted. | ||
| I'm like, well, how about, I'll do it for an hour and 15 minutes. | ||
| 15 hours. | ||
| I fainted. | ||
| I didn't get any water. | ||
| Not to you. | ||
| Well, I grew up completely obsessed with martial arts and that mindset of the practice of martial arts, which was defining for me, which made me a human being, was the first thing I was ever really good at. | ||
| That became the way I lived my whole life. | ||
| Live a life like you're about to do the most dangerous thing you could ever possibly imagine, so you have to be obsessed with it to get really good at it. | ||
| I can't half-ass something. | ||
| I could get crazy. | ||
| But why did you think you would be good at stand-up? | ||
| Were you a class clown? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't. | |
| I didn't think I was going to be good at stand-up. | ||
| I had a very specific idea that the only people that laughed at me were the people that were these sick fucks that I trained with. | ||
| Because those are the people that taught me. | ||
| My friend Ed Shorter and my friend Steve Graham. | ||
| Steve Graham is still one of my best friends to this day. | ||
| When I was a little kid, I used to make everybody laugh at the Taekwondo school. | ||
| I would do these impressions of my instructor having sex with one of the students. | ||
| I never did any of that. | ||
| I would do it in the voice and with their accent and shit. | ||
| It would be like one of our friends would say, well, I really want that blue belt. | ||
| Was he Korean, your instructor? | ||
| Yeah, well, it wasn't that guy. | ||
| It was another guy that I actually made fun of who was more of an assistant. | ||
| My instructor was Korean and we really respected him. | ||
| He's still an amazing guy, one of the most influential people in my life. | ||
| But I used to call fellow students as him. | ||
| I'd be like, hello. | ||
| My friends would freak out. | ||
| They'd be like, hi sir, how are you? | ||
| Why is he calling me? | ||
| He never called anybody. | ||
| We definitely have that in common, that we used to do impressions of people that we knew. | ||
| Yeah, that's like the first kind of humor. | ||
| You recognize something goofy that someone does, and so you repeat it, and then we put them in ridiculous scenarios. | ||
| But my first comedy came from high school. | ||
| When I was in high school, I was not a funny kid. | ||
| I was a much more troubled kid than I was funny, but I was an artist. | ||
| And when no one was around, I would go into Mr. Hallman's class. | ||
| Mr. Hallman was this really wacky science teacher. | ||
| He was really fucking crazy. | ||
| And I knew how to draw him. | ||
| I always forget that you're a really good drawer. | ||
| I always forget that. | ||
| I wanted to be a comic book artist. | ||
| I dedicated a lot of time. | ||
| And it was one high school teacher that sucked that completely turned me off to it. | ||
| I was like, I can't do it. | ||
| Thank God for him. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| I mean, I would have enjoyed being an artist. | ||
| Maybe I wouldn't have had to be so... | ||
| I can't see you sitting at a drafting table all day. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I enjoyed it, though. | ||
| I really enjoyed illustrations. | ||
| What was my point? | ||
| By the way, illustrations are hypnotic, aren't they? | ||
| I mean, you can paint all day. | ||
| I know painters who said, this guy, I can't remember his name. | ||
| You're going to make me go off traffic. | ||
| Mr. Hallman. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I just have to remember this. | ||
| So what I would do, my first stab at humor was I would draw pictures of this dude on the board. | ||
| Like pictures of him butt-fucking other students. | ||
| And then there was a guy named Mr. White, who was this really short dude who just got back from Vietnam and he was fucking crazy. | ||
| And Mr. White, I always drew him standing on a chair or standing on a stool. | ||
| I always drew him standing on top of something. | ||
| And he was always screaming about Nam. | ||
| And people would fucking howl. | ||
| And I would put it on the chalkboard. | ||
| I got suspended because I drew the Spanish teacher. | ||
| The Spanish teacher wore a ton of makeup. | ||
| Like, unbelievable amounts of makeup. | ||
| Like a clown. | ||
| And then I drew her, like, her face with all the makeup. | ||
| And then I drew a werewolf. | ||
| This is her without makeup. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| Like, fangs and slobber. | ||
| The first time I knew you were really funny, before I'd even seen you do stand-up, we were at the UFC. And we were sitting there, and we were on a bus. | ||
| We were going back, being shuttled back to something. | ||
| This was, like, back in the day when Randy Couture, like, had his first fight, literally. | ||
| Right, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And... | ||
| And I remember somebody goes, Joe, what are you going to do tonight? | ||
| And you were like, I think I'm going to get in a horse stance, push my balls into my body, and read Nietzsche with a bandana around my head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, yes, that's my favorite kind of humor. | |
| You've got to say it in tents, too. | ||
| We get in a horse stance. | ||
| There's a lot of dudes who thought they could do that. | ||
| They thought they could pull their balls into their body. | ||
| Dude, what are you talking about? | ||
| The only person more obsessed with martial arts than you was me. | ||
| Can you pull your balls anywhere? | ||
| I can't do any movement with my balls. | ||
| No, you can't do that. | ||
| You have to push them in. | ||
| Have you ever tried Tantra? | ||
| You ever tried, like, squeezing your, strengthening your cum muscles so you don't let any cum out? | ||
| Does that work? | ||
| Can you make it stronger? | ||
| Look, it's what every guy does who doesn't cum right away, okay? | ||
| That's what the fuck. | ||
| It's called maturity. | ||
| It's learning how to... | ||
| I remember being younger and just fucking... | ||
| The minute I smelled a girl, I'd cum. | ||
| I'd be like, oh, fucking, don't move. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| Isn't there some sort of a physiological benefit to not orgasming and letting your body assimilate the con? | ||
| Well, the idea is that fighters, the samurai, the idea is that you can boost your testosterone and apparently the semen goes up your spine. | ||
| Not true at all. | ||
| It's not true at all. | ||
| But believe me, I believed it and used to say it for years. | ||
| I remember in Techno, we used to not. | ||
| We'd go like two weeks without jerking off or getting laid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never did that. | |
| It would just make you feel really aggressive. | ||
| I wouldn't do that. | ||
| I tried. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| It was too distracting. | ||
| Well, on Fight Science, John Brankus, that show, they had guys not have sex for like a week or something, and they measured their testosterone, and then they had them calm and stuff, and there was no difference. | ||
| They actually have tested a difference, scientifically. | ||
| Fight science is not what the fuck they're talking about. | ||
| They don't, right? | ||
| They've shown there's a physiological difference, but it only lasts for seven days. | ||
| After seven days, it normalizes. | ||
| But for seven days, you get a higher level of testosterone. | ||
| It's like your body's like, come on, last chance to not be a pussy. | ||
| Let's go get some... | ||
| Come on, let's go get some. | ||
| I would think that your body is producing more testosterone to build sperm. | ||
| But then again, I'm not a fucking doctor. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's also to increase your competitive drive in order to get some more pussy. | ||
| It's like your body recognizes that you haven't scored, you haven't tried to reproduce. | ||
| So because you haven't tried to reproduce, your body's like, listen, let's fucking amp this gorilla up and get him fired up about this. | ||
| And it's probably getting you ready to fight in case another male comes along. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because pussy's scarce, like in Alaska. | ||
| Or Boston. | ||
| Where hopefully you and I will be. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to go. | ||
| You're going, motherfucker. | ||
| Well, listen, I'm coming hunting with you. | ||
| You're coming. | ||
| Let's move this conversation over to a little show called Pigman. | ||
| Pigman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Talk about that weaponry. | ||
| I got 40 of them! | ||
| I've talked to Rinella about it and he fucking hates that show. | ||
| Steve Rinella, who's the guy who's the host of Meat Eater. | ||
| Well, because they're in helicopters, dude. | ||
| But he's a fair chase hunter. | ||
| I mean, what he does is, everything he does is like stalking. | ||
| He stalks his prey. | ||
| He doesn't wait in a tree stand with a pile of food laying there. | ||
| He stalks him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's who we're going with? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, I'm coming. | ||
| Oh, he's an animal. | ||
| You know I'm going to Yeah, you gotta go. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| A very intelligent guy. | ||
| He's not like your typical, you know, oh, just like hunting. | ||
| He's a guy who, it's very sacred to him. | ||
| He went to a ranch once, and they put him in a tree stand, and then he said, well, at 6 a.m., the deer come around, because that's when the feeders open up. | ||
| And he realized there was electronic feeders, and he's like, I can't do this. | ||
| He wouldn't do it. | ||
| Whereas, like, Ted Nugent just fucking launches arrows through those Yeah, I mean, that's literally target practice. | ||
| It's basically pigs. | ||
| It's actually domesticated pigs that became feral. | ||
| Well, the pig man show's different. | ||
| They're actually quitting that area of a pest, right? | ||
| Yeah, they have a real problem with pigs. | ||
| And they give the meat to poor people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes, yes. | ||
| They give the meat to needy families, and it's good meat. | ||
| It's wild pork. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| But the pigs are a huge problem. | ||
| They destroy crops. | ||
| Spread disease, too. | ||
| They spread disease, and when they plant the seeds, they go in, they root, and they pull the seeds out of the ground and eat the seeds. | ||
| Pigs will eat anything, and they're fucking huge, so they have to eradicate them. | ||
| So in Texas, it's legal to hunt them from a Helicopter! | ||
| Those guns are unbelievable. | ||
| They're just taking these fucking pigs out while the pigs are running. | ||
| They're blowing their brains out and the pigs do flips. | ||
| They killed 200 pigs plus and 10 coyotes on one show. | ||
| I like coyotes. | ||
| Why would you like coyotes? | ||
| Because... | ||
| Could you imagine if your baby was outside by itself and a coyote came along? | ||
| How do you think that would work? | ||
| My baby's not outside. | ||
| How do you think that would work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you think that would work? | |
| I love those questions. | ||
| The coyote would eat your baby. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| Every coyote... | ||
| Do you want lions near your baby? | ||
| ...to go fuck himself. | ||
| Every coyote that ever lived, I will put a bullet in his fucking brain if I catch my mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| They have great pack structures. | ||
| They're cunts. | ||
| Good hunters. | ||
| Baby-eating cocksuckers, each and every one of them. | ||
| People make up anything to fucking kill something like, they eat babies, I have proof. | ||
| You leave a baby alone, a coyote will fucking eat it. | ||
| There's a coyote show where we kill guys called Killing Baby Killers. | ||
| That would be a satisfying show if you just left a baby in a pen in the middle of a street and the coyotes just come around and you pick them off with sniper rifles. | ||
| Like, hey, he deserves it. | ||
| This motherfucker's gonna eat the baby. | ||
| He's coming for the baby. | ||
| What do you want me to do here? | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not into coyotes, man. | ||
| Look, when your dog gets eaten by a mountain lion, you have a different perspective. | ||
| Get a pit bull! | ||
| Oh, I haven't had those before. | ||
| Yeah, pit bulls are great. | ||
| How about when you come home and one of them killed the other one? | ||
| Yeah, that was a lot of fun. | ||
| My living room was a puddle of blood. | ||
| That's the dog I told you to adopt. | ||
| She was a coffee table. | ||
| Yeah, she was a killer. | ||
| Coffee table with teeth. | ||
| She was a crocodile with foot-long legs. | ||
| She was actually a crocodile. | ||
| She had a crocodile head. | ||
| She was clearly a half crocodile. | ||
| Sweetest dog I've ever had. | ||
| I go, hey. | ||
| Loved her. | ||
| This is when we were completely retarded. | ||
| I was like, hey, get down here now. | ||
| I knew because I could adopt him because I had a female. | ||
| She was so sweet, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you were like, I'm taking her! | |
| That dog loved me. | ||
| That was the problem. | ||
| She loved me and she didn't want the other dogs around because they would get some of my love, too. | ||
| She was devastating, too, when she'd fight. | ||
| She would fight to the death. | ||
| She was ready to fight to the death over you petting another dog. | ||
| Did she ever fight Frank? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Only people who fight other males, like male females fight. | ||
| Yeah, it's bad. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| I had to put them both down. | ||
| I had to put Frank down too. | ||
| You get tired of that shit, right? | ||
| They both try to kill each other. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| And I couldn't trust him. | ||
| Frank was devastated after it was over. | ||
| She won. | ||
| She beat the male. | ||
| She did? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, I left him for dead. | ||
| He was all fucked up. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He was in the hospital for weeks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| I never thought that they would fight. | ||
| I never thought the male and the female. | ||
| I would separate the females, but I never thought the male would fight with the female. | ||
| And they fought. | ||
| You know what they fought over? | ||
| The pool guy. | ||
| The pool guy came over to clean the pool. | ||
| And they started barking. | ||
| They were petting. | ||
| The pool guy pet one of them. | ||
| And she would fight Frank if she wasn't getting pet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, she got fucked up, man. | ||
| When she was in that pen or in the pound for a while, she was fucked up. | ||
| Because it was one of those shelters where they didn't kill the animal. | ||
| They kept the animal all around. | ||
| And she was a fighting dog before that. | ||
| So she was a fighting dog, and then all of a sudden she's in the pound. | ||
| And then all of a sudden she's at this house, and this guy's super sweet to her and loves her and pets her and feeds her food. | ||
| And she said, these other dogs, you better get the fuck away from her. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to lose this. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| She would have been a great pet by her own, but with other dogs, she was too crazy. | ||
| You need to meet them alone, usually. | ||
| That's my experience. | ||
| I've always had... | ||
| I had two pit bulls for years, and I've had different sets of them, and they just try to kill each other. | ||
| Dude, I would always talk to you. | ||
| I got so good at getting... | ||
| like choking them out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Off each other. | ||
| But they'd be fighting, and one time I was on a date, and Piggy and my fucking German shepherd, this working dog, this badass fucking dog, okay, that I found this kennel. | ||
| It was a long line of just nothing but IPO and schutzum sport dogs. | ||
| This dog was a fucking wolf, and by the way, had knockout drag out fights with my dog Piggy, who was a pure pit bull and a fighting dog. | ||
| And this dog held her own no problem. | ||
| Meanwhile, I'm on a date. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Why would you let them find out? | ||
| How do you know that they helped their own? | ||
| I thought they were two females. | ||
| Were you there when it happened? | ||
| Oh, dude, what would happen was I'd come home, and it looked like Vietnam. | ||
| There'd be fur everywhere, blood everywhere, and they'd both be like, and basically half dead. | ||
| I'd rush them to the vet. | ||
| They'd be like, that'll be $5,000 to each case. | ||
| Yeah, they're all cut up. | ||
| I was like, ah! | ||
| Literally, and so when they'd fight sometimes, I was on a date, this girl, beautiful girl, I remember, and all of a sudden I just hear, and I come running out, and all I think is vet bills, and they'd just gotten out of their cones. | ||
| They used to walk around, they looked like Nixon and a baseball combined. | ||
| They literally just looked like jowls and like stitches, Oh, because what you're saying is they'd swole up. | ||
| Swole up. | ||
| They had to shave them. | ||
| And then they'd have these crazy stitches on these shaved heads and necks and just swollen with these jowls. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| Yeah, the jowls because their face gets swollen. | ||
| I'd have to train in. | ||
| They had to have the fucking pills. | ||
| And they were in these cones and knocking everything over. | ||
| And so they get in a fight, and I was in the front yard for 20 minutes trying to break them up, because I'd choke one off, then that one would lose consciousness, and then the other one would get a hold of it, and then I'd have to choke that one off, the other one would get a hold of it. | ||
| 20 minutes, and my hands, and my buddy came home, Bob, my buddy came home and actually helped me break them up. | ||
| 20 minutes later, we're all fucked up. | ||
| My hands were so, I'd been trying to fight them so badly, I was literally fighting for my life. | ||
| In the future. | ||
| My hands didn't work for a week. | ||
| Well, you're a pussy. | ||
| Garden hose. | ||
| Ah, dude, what? | ||
| Separate some. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Tried it many times with my dogs, and they were like, ah, this is just cooling us down. | ||
| In their face? | ||
| In their mouth! | ||
| Really? | ||
| In their mouth. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| I talked to the trainer. | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| Sometimes when you do that, some dogs think that the other dog is doing it to them, and so they fucking go harder. | ||
| Yeah, I had both those dogs. | ||
| Did you have a brake stick? | ||
| It didn't matter because they'd be holding on to each other. | ||
| Do you remember when we went to that guy's house who raised fighting pit bulls and you got one of his puppies? | ||
| Yeah, because the advertisement said, this is how retarded Joe and I were. | ||
| The advertisement said, pit bulls, there's no bull in our pits. | ||
| Bread right out of the box. | ||
| Joe and I were like, fighting dog! | ||
| We're in your stupid, like, impossibly fast Acura or some shit, and we're just... | ||
| We drive forever out there. | ||
| This guy's clearly a dogfighter slash criminal slash whatever. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| Serial killer. | ||
| And I buy this dog, even as a puppy, wouldn't let go of your shoelaces. | ||
| And it really looked like a beagle. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| It was a small dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So anyway, Brian can't take this dog. | ||
| He has the dog for a little while, but it's just too much work. | ||
| He's really irresponsible. | ||
| So he gives the dog to his friend on the farm. | ||
| And what does the dog do? | ||
| Well, my friend called me and goes, hey Brian, your dog's no longer with us. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I had to shoot it. | ||
| I said, why? | ||
| He goes, oh, I don't know. | ||
| Well, let's see. | ||
| Got a hold of the baby cow, and then, well, no, I'm sorry, let me start again. | ||
| It killed one goat, then another goat, and that goat got caught up in its rope, and then started bleeding as it died, and then the cow started moving, so the dog was like, oh, baby cow! | ||
| Grabbed on to that! | ||
| Then the German Shepherd came out to protect the cow and your dog broke both its legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| Its pine legs. | ||
| And he said, and I had a 55 pound dog that looked like it was 100 pounds. | ||
| It was so full of blood. | ||
| It was just so swollen with blood lust. | ||
| And he said, I'd never seen anything like it. | ||
| He couldn't get it off. | ||
| Then after the German Shepherd goes back to the cow, the baby cow. | ||
| So my buddy is trying to get it off the baby cow. | ||
| Yeah, you have a real responsibility when you have a dog like that. | ||
| Those dogs, they have too much of a history of bloodlust. | ||
| It's too hard for them to break. | ||
| Great with people, terrible watchdogs, but hell on wheels with four legs. | ||
| They're great with people. | ||
| If you have a dog like that, you have to have it in a secure yard, and you have to be with it all the time, because otherwise you've got a monster. | ||
| You use them to hunt boar or fight other dogs. | ||
| That's what pimples are. | ||
| By the way, that's also Pigman. | ||
| You ever see when they hunt them that way? | ||
| They hold them down with the dogs and then they cut the thing's neck. | ||
| It's not as crazy as watching the helicopter shit. | ||
| The helicopter thing was insane. | ||
| It's a whole show too. | ||
| It's a whole half hour show. | ||
| Those are military style weapons. | ||
| This is an M4 with a fully automatic. | ||
| When they hit the pigs and the pigs were running and then they would do the somersaults when they would like brain them and then the pigs would go face down into the mud and flip. | ||
| It's pretty fucking nuts, man. | ||
| One pig, they get to this one pig, this giant boar, and he fucking turns, stops running, and faces the helicopter. | ||
| Like, face down the helicopter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a badass. | |
| I let him live. | ||
| Look at this motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| They opened up on him. | ||
| Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. | ||
| And then you see him twitching and kicking and shit. | ||
| They got him in the water. | ||
| Some of them went in the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, I saw that. | |
| And as they're in the water, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. | ||
| You see their heads explode in the water. | ||
| This is the most carnage I have ever seen on television. | ||
| This is fucking crazy to watch. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| And they're fucking rednecks, so they're hooting and hollering while they're pigments. | ||
| Ted Nugent was like, people think it should be illegal. | ||
| It should be illegal not to do it. | ||
| He's not exactly a middle-of-the-road guy. | ||
| You don't kill 100 pigs before breakfast. | ||
| You're a communist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just fucking shooting at them out of this. | |
| He was having a great time. | ||
| Yeah, he was like, if I come out with too many bullets, Mrs. Nugent will divorce me. | ||
| I was in Portugal and I saw a bull fight. | ||
| And I was surprised at my own reaction. | ||
| I got really mad at how they were treating that bull. | ||
| It made me feel really bad for the bull. | ||
| And I was fucking actively rooting for it to kill one of those guys. | ||
| Well, they do every now and then. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| The last one when the guy went through his eye. | ||
| I don't like hurting an animal. | ||
| If you're going to kill it, just shoot it. | ||
| Don't hurt it. | ||
| You've seen the horn where the horn goes through the guy's eye? | ||
| That's the craziest shit I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Oh, by the way, I believe he came back and couldn't fight anymore, but he fought a symbolic thing and they were all cheering for him. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's a badass. | ||
| If you want to read the definitive book on bullfighting, it's really worth it. | ||
| It's called Death in the Afternoon by Ernest Hemingway. | ||
| It's an amazing book. | ||
| One guy had it through his mouth, through his lower jaw, and coming out of his mouth. | ||
| Those guys, that's a badass sport. | ||
| It's not a sport. | ||
| It's a crazy custom that you couldn't invent today. | ||
| It's one of those things like circumcision where you could invent it today. | ||
| Do you know that the law in Spain, you're not allowed to approach a fighting bull on foot? | ||
| As a human being, you have to approach it either on bicycle or in a car or in a motorcycle. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because those fighting bulls are smart enough. | ||
| They watch how you move and they learn very quickly. | ||
| They learn very quickly. | ||
| So the first time a bull in a ring sees a man, it's the first time he's ever seen a man on two feet. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He doesn't know how it moves. | ||
| And there's a whole thing that they do with that. | ||
| Yeah, that's important. | ||
| You don't want to have that uneven fight. | ||
| Do you know they used to pit lions and also bears with bulls? | ||
| Sure, bear baiting. | ||
| Guess who won every one of those fights? | ||
| Pit bulls? | ||
| No, the bulls. | ||
| I mean the bulls. | ||
| When they'd have bulls against a lion or bulls against a bear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Bulls won every time. | ||
| Bulls beat lions? | ||
| Every time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Every fucking time. | ||
| That's what Hemingway says. | ||
| You're not fucking with a... | ||
| They can lift a horse. | ||
| Speaking of which, speaking of which, did you see the YouTube video of the bull elephant that took the Mack truck, got under it with his tusks because he was mad at the Mack truck because he fell out of it, and flipped that shit over? | ||
| He fell out of the truck. | ||
| Yeah, they were trying to load him on the truck, I guess, and he fell out of it and was like, fuck this. | ||
| And he got under that Mack truck, and it's a real Mack truck, and flipped it. | ||
| So, turned it right over on its side. | ||
| So, if you have any questions about how strong... | ||
| By the way, they weigh 10,000 pounds. | ||
| A bull elephant weighs 10,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Is that big enough for you? | ||
| I wonder who would win, an elephant or a bull. | ||
| And they're really smart. | ||
| You can train them to do all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| Well, what's really smart about them is their memory. | ||
| They can see another elephant, which all looks the same to us, but they don't see it for 10 years, and then they run into it, and they run towards each other and hug each other. | ||
| They can do that with humans, too. | ||
| That's crazy, man. | ||
| They know who you are, and they don't like certain people. | ||
| And I was in the San Diego Zoo, and I was watching them. | ||
| We paid extra to go and see them, how they clean them, and how they teach them to give them your hoof so you can check them and stuff. | ||
| But they always have a barrier. | ||
| They're no joke. | ||
| There's no video. | ||
| Is there a... | ||
| It's gotta be. | ||
| Yeah, there's no... | ||
| Put elephant, I think, flipping Mack truck or something. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I just put in. | ||
| Or flipping truck. | ||
| Elephant versus truck. | ||
| Elephant... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had to do it for... | |
| I did it for TruTV. | ||
| They sent it to me. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, what is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They sent me the DVD. What is a true TV? It was like a show or something? | |
| I do this thing called World's Dumbest. | ||
| Oh, like one of those VH1 things where you make fun of people? | ||
| Yeah, and they just have comments, like making comments and stuff. | ||
| That stuff's on the way out. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, TV's on the way out. | ||
| It's doing well, though. | ||
| All those silly shows are on the way out. | ||
| What do you think is going to replace it? | ||
| The internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's that mean for us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It means that our podcast, Man Thoughts at Brian Callen... | ||
| I've got to come up with t-shirts. | ||
| That's what you're calling it now? | ||
| Man Thoughts? | ||
| Yeah, Man Thoughts. | ||
| You changed it from the Brian Callen show to Man Thoughts? | ||
| Yeah, I can label it now. | ||
| Oh, you couldn't label it? | ||
| The Brian Callen show before? | ||
| Yeah, not as much. | ||
| This is more specific and it's kind of what I think about. | ||
| And Man Thoughts can comprise a lot of different things. | ||
| But I'm trying to think of what... | ||
| I've got to make some t-shirts that I would wear... | ||
| Because, you know, I don't know. | ||
| Not that I even want to sell them. | ||
| I'm just going to... | ||
| I'm particular about my t-shirts. | ||
| How about just little tiny cocks? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Little tiny ones. | ||
| A sea of cocks. | ||
| How about an image, a really cool image, an image of Ronald Reagan, but it's all made out of cocks? | ||
| No, I should have called my podcast cocks. | ||
| Cox? | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Dick. | ||
| Cock. | ||
| That's a funny name for a company. | ||
| Dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cock. | |
| But doesn't someone have Dick House or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| Johnny Knoxville. | ||
| Johnny Knoxville, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, my buddy's doing a movie with him. | ||
| Yeah, you can get away with that. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Like, you could... | ||
| I watched CNN the other day, and there's a band in Russia called Pussy Riot. | ||
| Pussy Riot. | ||
| And Pussy Riot. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| They broke into a church. | ||
| Yeah, they got arrested. | ||
| They got arrested. | ||
| Two years in jail. | ||
| Yeah, they got sentenced to like two years in jail. | ||
| And so everybody was having a demonstration. | ||
| They had these giant signs that said, Free Pussy Riot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha. | |
| And here CNN is showing this on CNN. And I'm sitting in front of the TV and these giant signs say Free Pussy Riot. | ||
| And I'm like, wow, that's hilarious. | ||
| Like, what a weird loophole. | ||
| By the way. | ||
| Because they called it Pussy Riot, they have to show what these guys are. | ||
| That's blatantly obscene. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Free Pussy Riot. | ||
| But it's on the news. | ||
| You know, I was on a plane one time, and the guy started having an argument with the stewardess before we took off. | ||
| All of a sudden, he's just saying, he's not being a dick, he's just saying some things like, well, I'm not trying to cause a problem here, you know, I'm going to cause a riot, whatever. | ||
| And so next thing you know, marshals are on the plane. | ||
| They take him off the plane. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Well, you're not allowed to use the word riot. | ||
| We have certain trigger words that we have to report because you could have been a terrorist. | ||
| You were trying to incite violence. | ||
| This is the kind of fucking bureaucratic shit we deal with. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's what happens when you have these blanket laws and these absolute rules. | ||
| There's too many fucking laws. | ||
| There's too much ridiculous going on. | ||
| Do you know how many pages the... | ||
| And I'm reading a book about it. | ||
| I think it's not such a bad law. | ||
| There's a lot to like about it. | ||
| But do you know how many pages the Obamacare Act is? | ||
| Do you know how many pages when you get the bill? | ||
| 2,400. | ||
| No, who reads it? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You also don't read the clauses you put in there. | ||
| Who reads it? | ||
| A handful of reporters from the New York Post who put out a book called Landmark that I'm reading now that really explains what the Obamacare bill does and what it means for us. | ||
| Wasn't that the thing about bills, that they'll sneak shit in that has almost nothing to do with the name of the bill, just so that they can get it in, stuff they've been trying to get in before? | ||
| Yes, my father said the best thing about it. | ||
| My father said, Washington, he spent a lot of time on Capitol Hill, and he said, and this is a podcast, he goes, Washington is in the business of intent. | ||
| What that means is that you have a bill. | ||
| You want to create universal health care. | ||
| You want to do whatever. | ||
| You know, these are good ideas. | ||
| That is the intention. | ||
| What happens with a Goliath, a Goliath like the federal government, is that there are so many vested interests that find their way into that law. | ||
| So if you want me to vote for it, that's fine. | ||
| You've got to do something for my constituency. | ||
| Which means I've got to put this clause in page 500. Nobody's going to read it anyway, don't worry about it. | ||
| And before you know it, that law that passed, just like the marijuana laws, there is a cottage industry that grows up around those laws, that have a vested interest in keeping that law, no matter whether it makes sense or not. | ||
| And that's what happens. | ||
| That's all of a sudden, everybody's drinking out of the government trough. | ||
| It comes down to a very simple question. | ||
| It's not Republican or Democrat. | ||
| This is why you say, do you want the majority of our resources in Washington under this massive roof? | ||
| Or does it make sense to spread the resources somewhere else? | ||
| That's the big question. | ||
| And I happen to believe it's better to keep resources out of Washington because something that big can't help but create The real problem is you can't untangle it now. | ||
| Everybody's got their hand in. | ||
| Do you know the kind of tax breaks pharmaceutical companies get because they own the FDA? Nobody else can break into the drug business. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because they own the scientists basically that say, Yea or nay. | ||
| It takes, what, 12 or 13 years to get a drug patent? | ||
| You've got to go through all the tests. | ||
| And their scientists go, wait a minute, you've got to be very careful. | ||
| They all take money from Pfizer, etc. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Well, that's what we were talking about before the podcast when it came to our hemp force protein. | ||
| We have to buy all of our hemp in Canada because the pharmaceutical companies have bribed these fucking corrupt politicians and made sure that it's illegal. | ||
| The federal government, by the way, the state government voted for it. | ||
| And the whole thing is supposed to be that states are allowed to make their own laws. | ||
| The federal government is not supposed to interfere with things along these lines. | ||
| And they don't give a fuck. | ||
| They'll put you in jail if you just grow hemp, which is a cousin of marijuana. | ||
| Let me tell you another story that's really interesting. | ||
| A friend of mine unfortunately has pancreatic cancer. | ||
| I lost my other friend to it about three months ago but suddenly my friend's mom, stepmom has it and And she went to a doctor. | ||
| The doctor gave her a chemo protocol, just like with my friend who was given a chemo protocol. | ||
| And these are very good doctors at a very well-renowned hospital. | ||
| And the drugs cost a fortune. | ||
| It wasn't working that well. | ||
| They finally get into the most famous doctor in the world for pancreatic cancer at UCLA, whose chemo protocol extends a lot of lives, way beyond what you're supposed to do with pancreatic cancer. | ||
| He said, basically, he said, why are you on this? | ||
| He said, oh, I'm going to change your chemo and it's going to be a lot cheaper. | ||
| And they said, what do you mean? | ||
| He said, well, Eli Whitney put out something that cost $30,000 a year, but it was the exact same thing as the generic drug or whatever the other chemo was that was $300 a year. | ||
| But Eli Whitney claimed it was better. | ||
| So every doctor to this day, I'm going to just follow me, every doctor to this day prescribes the Eli Whitney drug, which is 30 times more expensive. | ||
| Now, ready? | ||
| The Eli Whitney was challenged in court. | ||
| This doctor was one of the people to say, it's bullshit. | ||
| It is actually not as effective. | ||
| This one, which is much cheaper, it's been around much longer, it's just as effective. | ||
| Eli Whitney paid a fine for it. | ||
| It was worth it to Eli Whitney to pay that fine and be dishonest because people still, they're not following all the tort laws, they're not following all the cases. | ||
| Doctors all over the country still prescribe the Eli Whitney drug even though it is not as good as the one they could because they don't know anybody better because they thought, because Eli Whitney hired this huge marketing campaign, they thought that's the drug to do now. | ||
| The real problem is that nobody calls them on it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Well, even if you do, it costs them $20 million when they make billions of dollars. | ||
| So, again, these are massive companies that have basically hired who they want to defend them and behave inappropriately. | ||
| I'm not saying all Big Pharma's bad. | ||
| I'm not saying everybody's there. | ||
| I think anytime you have four major players and nobody can get into your fucking industry, it's not good for capitalism, it's not capitalism, it's not a free market, and it's not good for our health, and it's not good for humanity as a whole. | ||
| So that's what it is. | ||
| The real problem is how do you untangle it? | ||
| I mean, there's so much money invested in keeping government exactly the way it is. | ||
| There's only one way. | ||
| How is that? | ||
| You've got to starve government. | ||
| Now, that's where the libertarian notion of the Cato Institute basically says there's a responsible tax law. | ||
| You have to have some taxes. | ||
| But the only way we're ever going to get out of this and not become... | ||
| Western Europe or worse, is by starving that massive leviathan of resources. | ||
| Yeah, it is a problem when you create a bunch of different government jobs. | ||
| Like, you know, there's a lot of people that rally to keep drugs illegal, and one of them is the unions that control guards. | ||
| Yeah, prison guard unions. | ||
| Prison guard unions, and they spend a lot of money from their dues that they get from their workers in order to keep drug laws the same, because that's what keeps them working. | ||
| And what's bolstering the argument is not a philosophy. | ||
| It is self-interest. | ||
| Yes, absolutely self-interest. | ||
| And it's scary that that works. | ||
| It's scary that that would be allowed. | ||
| It's scary that that doesn't prompt some... | ||
| I mean, if you were an insider trading guy and you just knew that some company was about to go under and you got rid of your stock, you could go to fucking jail for that. | ||
| How come you can't go to jail for that? | ||
| How come you can't go to jail because you are working to keep drug laws, which everybody has shown are ridiculous and most people believe are completely ridiculous despite the massive amount of propaganda. | ||
| What you do, the way you do it, is you get yourself informed, get yourself informed, get yourself organized. | ||
| And what happens is it takes a long time, but pretty soon more and more people start to say, even if I don't smoke weed, this is a ridiculous law that's put so many people in jail for a long, long time. | ||
| Not only at taxpayer expense, it's ruined families and everything else. | ||
| And when are we going to come to our senses and realize that this should not be illegal? | ||
| And if you get enough people behind a politician, things start to change. | ||
| The way you do it, though, is through information. | ||
| And also, my biggest problem with government now is I don't feel like I'm represented. | ||
| I just feel like... | ||
| Well, you're not. | ||
| No one is anymore. | ||
| I mean, Obama's not even represented. | ||
| That's where special interests are. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| They're supposed to cancel each other out and they're not. | ||
| Yeah, him as a human, he's not represented. | ||
| I don't think that guy has any say in what the fuck happens. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I think the whole thing is completely ridiculous. | ||
| Well, he can't do a thing without Congress. | ||
| I mean, you know, that's not necessarily bad. | ||
| I mean, but you don't necessarily want a president to have too much power. | ||
| But the president sets the agenda. | ||
| And the President's responsibility is always going to set the agenda, but also, at the end of the day, there are a lot of decisions where he's presented with six different options from six different interest groups, and he's got to make a decision and piss off the other five. | ||
| Yeah, but he's... | ||
| Don't chew in front of the camera, bro. | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I looked at that pickle, and I was like, I've got to help. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You can't chew on a microphone. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a little obnoxious. | ||
| The United States won't tolerate that. | ||
| They won't take that? | ||
| The NSA won't? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| William Binney is this guy who's the NSA mathematician that I was telling you about earlier. | ||
| I've been obsessed with this guy since we had David Seaman on Monday, who's a congressional candidate in Florida. | ||
| And this former NSA director, after 9-11, this guy is a mathematician, you know, one of the world's renowned mathematicians. | ||
| And what he did was create a method for the government to track dangerous individuals and track people. | ||
| But it turned out that the government just used it openly on everyone. | ||
| And so he had to leave. | ||
| What a surprise. | ||
| They just decided to just, literally, every phone call that you make, if this guy's correct, and he is the guy who fucking coded this shit, if every phone call that you make, every text message you make, every email you make, goes into a database, and the government is in Utah building a gigantic structure that will literally house everything you do, say, watch online, all your internet history, all that shit will be stored. | ||
| So if they ever want to just... | ||
| Anything they want to know about you, all they have to do is just pull that shit up. | ||
| Guys, if you want to see somebody who really sat around and thought about this stuff and made the argument for why that's not good, just YouTube Milton Friedman. | ||
| Before that, let's not get people confused. | ||
| Let's have people just check out this story. | ||
| The guy's name is Binney. | ||
| B-I-N-N-E-Y. Just go and read up on this because this alone is going to fuck with your head. | ||
| What are they doing out there? | ||
| It's important. | ||
| Chopping wood? | ||
| No. | ||
| You hear that banging? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like someone's got a drum. | ||
| Fucking wives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's probably what it is. | |
| Don't you think they could keep the kids from banging on a drum in the hallway? | ||
| No, that's passive aggressive shit right there, buddy. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| They don't like the fact that we're in here having fun while they're out there with the kids screaming. | ||
| You know what my mother used to do to get my father to get back to my dad for years, the household I grew up in. | ||
| My dad would always travel and pain the ass, a lot of pressure and everything else. | ||
| My mother would, she'd always have part of the house being worked on by men. | ||
| She'd just have part of the house always not in repair. | ||
| Women love that shit. | ||
| And my father would be in a bad mood and wouldn't know why. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My mother's like, oh, I'm just having the kitchen redone for the second time. | |
| Yeah, always. | ||
| They love doing that. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| They love, like, changing things. | ||
| Well, because they're not, they don't have, yeah. | ||
| Change the wall. | ||
| They're nesting. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| Like, you could live in a log cabin easy, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Me too. | ||
| When I was in college, it was three guys, okay? | ||
| We didn't do the dishes for one month. | ||
| We had sprouts growing out of the drain for real, okay? | ||
| Finally, then my girlfriend came over. | ||
| She was, like, so appalled. | ||
| She goes, I have to clean this. | ||
| I can't take it. | ||
| I can't be around here. | ||
| It smells like a greenhouse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you know, guys are pigs. | ||
| Folks, so this Benny guy, there's YouTube videos if you don't want to sit and read something. | ||
| National Security Agency, whistleblower, William Benny. | ||
| Look into that because we've turned a corner in our society. | ||
| It's an us against them shit. | ||
| It shouldn't be. | ||
| And remember also that every totalitarian state and every state that took control and power over people used national security and domestic security and the threat of terrorism, etc., as an excuse to take away your liberty. | ||
| It's so old school. | ||
| It's always been done. | ||
| I would think that that generation had already moved out of business. | ||
| I hate to think that the generation coming up is going to go business as usual because in my mind, this generation, the generation that's of age, of adult age now, Thomas Jefferson said that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance. | ||
| And part of that, what he's trying to say, I think, in a lot of ways, is that... | ||
| You may have your freedom, but just know that it can be taken away from you a lot faster than you think. | ||
| So you've got to be very aware of the signs. | ||
| That's why you read history. | ||
| It gives you perspective and you can recognize patterns and destructive patterns. | ||
| Right, but nobody saw this coming. | ||
| Nobody saw the ability to do this coming. | ||
| My mother saw it coming. | ||
| She saw them monitoring that the NSA had mathematicians work on this. | ||
| There are a lot of people that saw this coming that I talked to. | ||
| But the fact that it's already going on, unless William Binney had stepped out. | ||
| Oh, you're right. | ||
| By the way, they broke into his house and stuck a fucking gun in his face, too. | ||
| The FBI came into his house and raided it. | ||
| And he never did anything wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet. | |
| Didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| The whole thing is crazy. | ||
| We have just a really fucking creepy corrupt government. | ||
| Being in control of that which governs you, which is what our country is based on, has always been a very tenuous, fragile arrangement. | ||
| And it's got to be defended every minute of the day. | ||
| They just need to stop. | ||
| We need to have new people in government. | ||
| And with the new transparency that exists because of the internet, you're going to be able to still run things. | ||
| But you can't run things as corrupt as they've been running forever. | ||
| And everybody just wants to keep doing it. | ||
| It's like we were talking about circumcision or bullfighting or anything that's ridiculous that's old. | ||
| It's in nature's government. | ||
| It's not people. | ||
| The bigger it becomes, the bigger it becomes, government needs a job. | ||
| And what is that job? | ||
| To either tax or pass laws. | ||
| Both of them are coercive measures. | ||
| The bigger government grows, the more, history shows you, the bigger government grows, the more power they get over you as an individual. | ||
| Just pick up a history book, man. | ||
| Yeah, but is there a way to pull it back? | ||
| That's the question. | ||
| That's the biggest question. | ||
| There's a way to run things. | ||
| There's a way where people pay a fair amount. | ||
| There's a way where we keep a real military that keeps us from ever being at the mercy of an evil dictator or an evil country. | ||
| Is there a way to do that and still be a good country and still not be completely and totally corrupt? | ||
| Yes, you educate yourself, and you get informed. | ||
| I'll stop with the educate yourself. | ||
| That's not going to stop them from running over you. | ||
| You don't have that much power. | ||
| You've got to vote. | ||
| You've got to make noise. | ||
| Is voting real? | ||
| If it is, why did Ron Paul, I mean, why did he lose two states that he clearly won? | ||
| Do you know that there's plenty of evidence online, and there's plenty of videos that show in Maine, and there was one other state where Ron Paul should have won, and they hit it. | ||
| They covered it. | ||
| I think that our voting process is actually, compared to most parts of the world, is pretty, pretty good. | ||
| Did you see Hacking Democracy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Hacking Democracy makes a very strong argument that the Bush-Kerry election was bought. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It's a documentary on HBO when they show that they engineered in a third-party entrant into these voting machines. | ||
| And the guy on the show, Diebold, had to change their name. | ||
| They're not Diebold anymore. | ||
| They're something else. | ||
| The guy on the show showed how he can alter the results of any election. | ||
| Doesn't surprise me. | ||
| So what do we do? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| The internet. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think the only thing that's going to save us is the young people coming up know that this is a different world. | ||
| Know that this is a world that if you're going to be a politician, you're going to be completely... | ||
| You've got to be transparent. | ||
| Everything's going to be transparent. | ||
| Every move you make. | ||
| And you can't get away with doing things that we've done for decades and decades before. | ||
| It's a totally new game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's the only thing that makes sense to me. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| The idea of overthrowing the government, is that really fucking necessary? | ||
| Everybody's getting bonkers about that. | ||
| You're not going to overthrow the government, first of all. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| There are ways to overthrow or change the power structure or make it smaller. | ||
| Well, it's also people recognize, in this country especially, that we are the cops. | ||
| We are the military. | ||
| The actual elite is these creepy bankers, and there's only a fucking small handful of them. | ||
| And if the military doesn't listen, and if the government doesn't listen, then it doesn't... | ||
| Take your phone away from the table, please. | ||
| My phone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's making that... | ||
| If we do that... | ||
| Phones, especially CDMA phones, or GSM phones, there's a signal that picks up. | ||
| It does it in your car sometimes. | ||
| Is it ever doing it in your car, in your stereo? | ||
| It goes... | ||
| Oh, that's my phone. | ||
| Yeah, that's your phone. | ||
| It's AT&T phones. | ||
| If you had Verizon, it wouldn't do it as easily. | ||
| So it's sort of a different frequency, apparently. | ||
| CDMA is an older frequency, the frequency that Verizon uses. | ||
| But apparently it's different in that it's more robust, goes deeper into buildings. | ||
| But more countries have GSM. My iPhone has both. | ||
| So if I go on the road, it's a Verizon phone, so if I go on the road, if I'm in England, it'll work in England, because they only have GSM. They gave up on our stupid CDMA. Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But, I just, when it comes to these fucking conversations, they always seem so circular. | ||
| Like, they never really go anywhere. | ||
| Well, because they're frustrating, because you don't really know what the hell to do about this problem. | ||
| That's what's scary about it, and that's the biggest threat, is the growth of the state. | ||
| The real question is, does voting really work anymore? | ||
| And if voting doesn't really work, we've got a real problem. | ||
| It's a really good question because what you start to realize is there's not a major difference between candidates, is there? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, all of a sudden you go, well, there's not a big difference. | ||
| People are disenfranchised. | ||
| I mean, people aren't voting. | ||
| Young people aren't as angrier in the streets because you can't really necessarily make a difference. | ||
| Maybe that's how people have always felt. | ||
| I do think people felt that way in the 60s, actually, which is why they got into the streets and they tried to make a lot of noise. | ||
| I'm not advocating that either. | ||
| They didn't have the amount of movement that we have today. | ||
| They didn't have the ability to do things. | ||
| Organize. | ||
| Look, governments were taken down with Facebook. | ||
| Facebook took down governments. | ||
| Twitter took down governments. | ||
| But there are a lot of people arguing and making very good arguments like the Cato Institute, this libertarian think tank, about that's why sometimes you just say, philosophically, philosophically, nobody wants people to go hungry and stuff. | ||
| Philosophically, though, as government gets bigger, more and more people will start manipulating and getting their hands into the cookie jar. | ||
| It doesn't do anybody any good, man. | ||
| Yeah, there's no way. | ||
| There's no way to stop that. | ||
| Once it gets to a certain size, it's unmanageable. | ||
| Government should be treated like a necessary evil, not this massive social machine that engineers equality artificially. | ||
| It can't do that, never has been able to do that, and it shouldn't do that. | ||
| How gross is that Obama statement? | ||
| If you have a small business, you didn't build that by yourself. | ||
| Well, exactly. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because he's never run a business himself. | ||
| That's my knock on that guy. | ||
| Don't think he's a bad guy. | ||
| Don't think he's not a smart guy. | ||
| I don't think that guy's ever lived in the real fucking world. | ||
| He was a community organizer and an academic. | ||
| I don't want that guy running shit. | ||
| And if Romney wasn't so crazy with his religion and stuff, I would be like, well, he was kind of a stud businessman, but I don't even know what he stands for. | ||
| He hasn't come clean with his tax returns. | ||
| He's a creep. | ||
| He's a fucking Mormon. | ||
| He's a Mormon. | ||
| He's an old creep. | ||
| He's a creep. | ||
| His wife is made out of plastic. | ||
| His whole family lives in the dark. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| And he's just going to do whatever the fuck they tell him. | ||
| I always tell people, if you want to know about Mitt Romney, there's a video online where he gets confronted by a guy in a wheelchair who needs medical marijuana. | ||
| And Mitt Romney shrugs this guy off like he doesn't exist. | ||
| Yeah, of course he'd have to. | ||
| So quick. | ||
| Well, I don't believe in medical marijuana, and he just gets away from the guy. | ||
| He's a robot. | ||
| But I will say that in Massachusetts, the guy actually spent a lot of time on the other side of the aisle and got a lot of shit done, including universal health care and balancing the budget. | ||
| You can't take that away from him. | ||
| And by the way, he was a stud. | ||
| But, you know, being capital... | ||
| That's all good and well, but I don't... | ||
| I don't think that works. | ||
| On a federal level, I don't think you get that kind of ability. | ||
| I think you can really be a real governor. | ||
| I don't think you can be a real president. | ||
| I think when it gets to that level, when it comes to things like war, state governments don't have to worry about war. | ||
| When you get to a federal level and you're dealing with multi-billion dollar contracts and you're dealing with the pull-out of the troops in Afghanistan... | ||
| Look, man, it's what I was telling you. | ||
| I talked to this, my buddy, who's a real CIA guy. | ||
| And I had him do my podcast and I called him Mr. Pink because he just was like, you know, it was really weird. | ||
| He's so smart. | ||
| And he's really the real deal. | ||
| And I said, give me... | ||
| Give me some stuff about the Iraq war. | ||
| We went in there because of this and that. | ||
| And he goes, man, he was like this. | ||
| He was like, yeah, I mean, I guess you could say that, but really, you know what I think it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, what? | |
| He goes, I think it's just a bunch of interests that get together and it snowballs. | ||
| And before you know it, a lot of people are going to make a lot of money on this notion. | ||
| And a lot of people get an idea and somebody picks up on it and they just assume it's true. | ||
| And before you know it, you've got this fucking machine that ain't going to stop for anybody. | ||
| And he was really kind of matter-of-fact about it. | ||
| And I was like, geez, this is an inside guy who spent seven years there. | ||
| And here he is telling me this. | ||
| He goes, listen, dude, they spent $100,000 importing sand so that they could play volleyball in the desert. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about this once before, how much corruption, how much waste there is. | ||
| And we've all heard of the $500 hammers and all the stupid shit. | ||
| No accountability, man. | ||
| Yeah, no accountability. | ||
| It's government. | ||
| You know, the idea that it's all tax money. | ||
| What happened with the banking industry? | ||
| I mean, investment banks used to have to gamble with their own money. | ||
| Then they became public, and all of a sudden they're using your money to experiment. | ||
| And you had these cowboys who were like, let's fucking leverage it 40 times. | ||
| I'm being simplistic, but that's kind of what happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Benny was talking, the mathematician who, the NSA guy, was talking about other things that the NSA had funded to try to do the same thing that didn't work. | ||
| That they spent Billions of dollars on billions of dollars of your dollars by the way that they don't that's the craziest thing about your taxes you pay whatever you pay 20% You don't even fucking get a you can't even request it you can't say hey I would like to know you know what how much my money you're spending is there a website I could go to like maybe they don't send it to you but you could go oh hey mr. Callen Yeah, well, you paid $70,000 in taxes last year, and your money went to... | ||
| You know, no. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| They don't even make it up for you. | ||
| They just take it. | ||
| YouTube, again, besides this Benny guy, also YouTube, Milton Friedman, who won a Nobel Prize for Economics. | ||
| Just YouTube him and listen to his debates. | ||
| Just listen to his debates. | ||
| It's really easy to follow, and all he talks about is personal liberty. | ||
| They go, you're a conservative? | ||
| He goes, I don't like that word. | ||
| I believe in liberty, so whatever I am, I'm very liberal. | ||
| Yeah, it gets weird when you go conservative or liberal because people like to attach themselves to ideologies. | ||
| And they will find an area where they can operate in. | ||
| They feel more comfortable being a liberal. | ||
| They feel more comfortable being a conservative. | ||
| And they have no open-mindedness. | ||
| They're like teams. | ||
| They're on a team. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They just lock on to Team Mac. | ||
| I'm on Team PC. I like Android phones. | ||
| I'm a Windows man myself. | ||
| I got a Windows phone. | ||
| Whereas if you talk about liberty, you're talking about a philosophy and an idea. | ||
| That's what I like to talk about. | ||
| I like having discussions based on the ideas and philosophies, the underpinnings. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Don't label me a Republican, Democrat, even a Libertarian. | ||
| I want to talk about ideas and develop a philosophy. | ||
| But isn't it weird that that fucking shit works, that conservative liberal shit works? | ||
| Look, and it works, by the way, with liberals just as bad as with conservatives. | ||
| Nothing drives me fucking nutty more than hypocritical liberals who talk about Republicans being prejudiced and then they're completely prejudiced against anybody who has any ideas remotely different from theirs. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's so weird, that whole artificial sensitivity. | ||
| You've adopted what is a chic style, a cool style of thinking. | ||
| A progressive style. | ||
| My father was talking about tyranny of language. | ||
| There's a tyranny of language in this country where one side will garner a patent on, we are the progressives. | ||
| Well, I happen to believe we should legalize gay marriage and drugs and a lot of other things. | ||
| That makes me pretty progressive. | ||
| But at the same time, I want a small government so that I can be considered a conservative as well. | ||
| Because I don't want all these vested interests in my fucking life. | ||
| But that's the question. | ||
| How do you uncurl it? | ||
| How do you uncurl it? | ||
| But if I start talking about... | ||
| If I start talking about small government, people go, you're a Republican. | ||
| Well, no, I'm not actually, because I'm pro-choice and a lot of other things. | ||
| So don't call me, and I'm not a Christian, so let's relax with this stuff. | ||
| So there is a tyranny of language in this country, and there always has been in political culture. | ||
| There's a really good book called Don't Think of an Elephant. | ||
| did I ever tell you about this book? | ||
| no it's written by David Fromm who talks about and I think his name is David Fromm forgive me if it's not but he talks about how how effective it is when you when you say this is the Patriot Act how do you vote against against the Patriot Act for example you're not going to vote you're not a patriot if you vote against the Patriot Act | ||
| And there are a lot of things you can do as a political force to hijack your position by making it very inconvenient and sound bad when you vote against your agenda. | ||
| Yeah, you can't vote against the Patriot Act. | ||
| How do you change it, Joe? | ||
| How do you change it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm still trying to figure it out. | ||
| The only thing that I can think is you've got to change young people. | ||
| And you've got to have the people that are going into it, like this guy that we had, David Seaman, who was on Monday. | ||
| He's in his 20s. | ||
| He's 26 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I didn't know he was that young. | ||
| That's the kind of guy, and very articulate, very bright. | ||
| That's the kind of guys you need. | ||
| You need young kids that are coming out of college. | ||
| They understand the way the world works a million times better than some fucking dummy who grew up in the land of books and crayons. | ||
| Amos Oz, who's a famous Israeli writer, They were talking about Hamas. | ||
| Hamas is a terrorist organization. | ||
| He had a problem with Israel going in and assassinating Hamas leaders. | ||
| He said, the way you beat Hamas is not with guns because Hamas is an idea. | ||
| They said, what do we do? | ||
| He said, the way you beat a bad idea like Hamas is with a better idea. | ||
| And that's a really powerful statement. | ||
| It is a powerful statement. | ||
| And remember that this country is an idea. | ||
| It's an ideal. | ||
| And in a lot of ways those founding fathers solved the political problem. | ||
| The Constitution is an amazing thing. | ||
| And it's being jacked left and right. | ||
| And it's being jacked. | ||
| But remember that it's a very powerful idea and keep fighting for it. | ||
| Obama has done more to harm the Constitution than any president before him. | ||
| What he's done by passing the National Defense Authorization Act is nothing short of what you should have considered as treasonous. | ||
| What someone in the past would consider as treasonous. | ||
| The ability to detain people with no warrant. | ||
| The ability to hold them with no recourse whatsoever. | ||
| They don't have the right to a trial. | ||
| They don't have anything that we're supposed to be standing for in America. | ||
| Isn't that though for foreign enemies? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No! | ||
| No, no, no, no! | ||
| No, it's for anyone that they deem to be an enemy of the state. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
National... | |
| We were allowed to use... | ||
| He is now, rather, allowed to use the military to quell any dissent inside our borders. | ||
| Are you sure that this... | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Posse comatitis, done! | ||
| He's trying to get it through. | ||
| No, it's passed! | ||
| National Defense Authorization Act. | ||
| Everybody passed it. | ||
| Obama said he was going to veto it. | ||
| Didn't veto it. | ||
| No one vetoed it. | ||
| No one passed it. | ||
| I don't think they get a say. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I think when you've got a company like Halliburton that has fucking billions of dollars and they're profiting in mad crazy ways from this fucking war, I don't think anybody gets a say. | ||
| I think that influence, the influence of that money is so strong and so sharp they can't avoid it. | ||
| I hope you're wrong. | ||
| I'm not wrong. | ||
| I'm not wrong at all. | ||
| But you may not be wrong and so in that case it's hard not to be cynical. | ||
| How do you not know about this? | ||
| We've talked about this before. | ||
| I mean reading this book I keep talking about. | ||
| You read this nonsense. | ||
| Reading this book, I just keep talking, called China Study, is a classic example. | ||
| This guy does such an amazing job of saying what you're saying. | ||
| How we are no longer, all of a sudden, your kid at school is being fed all different kinds of food that is not only making him sick, but fat. | ||
| Yeah, but listen, man, you can give your kid food, okay? | ||
| That's a terrible thing and everything when your kid's fed at school. | ||
| You can bring a lunch. | ||
| That's not as bad as what the fuck is happening. | ||
| The ability to have people arrested with no recourse, man. | ||
| We are literally in an approved Soviet... | ||
| Dude, I talked to you about this a while ago, man. | ||
| National Defense Authorization Act. | ||
| It's a terrifying thing that was passed. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| All this shit that's going on with WikiLeaks. | ||
| Where they're trying to pull this guy out of the Ecuadorian embassy in London. | ||
| Julian Assange. | ||
| They're letting everybody know that the rules are fake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, well, that rule... | ||
| Well, he's actually wanted for sexual assault in Sweden. | ||
| Sweden's not... | ||
| He's not wanted for sexual assault. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| He's wanted for... | ||
| Sexual misconducting? | ||
| Surprise sex. | ||
| Surprise sex is... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Shut it off. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| You're a junkie. | ||
| I was trying to look up... | ||
| No, I was trying to look up the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a junkie. | |
| That act. | ||
| Oh, surprise sex is what he's wanted for. | ||
| What do you mean surprise sex? | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
| Apparently he had sex with a chick with a condom on, and they were sleeping in bed together, and with no condom he slipped it in. | ||
| And there's photos of her hanging out with him two days later, like all palling around. | ||
| Like, what he did was kind of creepy. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| You're not supposed to sleep naked with a guy if you don't want to stick his boner in. | ||
| That's just what dudes do. | ||
| We're gross. | ||
| We're gross, creepy animals. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Well, it's not even that. | ||
| I don't know how many times back in the day I'd be like, I don't have any diseases. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| Let me just feel it for a second. | ||
| Just for a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Roll the dice! | |
| Well, that's what he did. | ||
| He's a scumbag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sex gambler. | |
| But a lot of guys are. | ||
| There's a video of him dancing by himself. | ||
| You mean a guy? | ||
| Yeah, a guy. | ||
| Just a regular guy. | ||
| There's a video of him dancing by himself. | ||
| It's just him on the dance floor, getting his groove on, and it's so dorky and creepy. | ||
| You watch and it's just like, oh, jeez, look at this guy. | ||
| He's so weird. | ||
| Is he French or where is he from? | ||
| Is he Swiss? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think he's American. | ||
| Isn't he American? | ||
| I think he's Swedish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Assange? | |
| Yeah, I don't think he's American. | ||
| You are a fucking agent of disinformation. | ||
| You work for Fox News, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just saying I think. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm almost positive he's American. | ||
| Man, Jon Stewart debates Bill O'Reilly, and he does such a great job. | ||
| If you want to see a great... | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| I thought he just jokes up with him. | ||
| Nah, he fucking made fun of Fox in such a good way, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He jokes with him. | |
| He just exposed him. | ||
| And I read too of Bill O'Reilly's books. | ||
| Oh, he's Australian. | ||
| That's what he is. | ||
| I knew he had something weird going on. | ||
| Might as well be American. | ||
| Have you been to Australia? | ||
| Love it. | ||
| You do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I went to Sydney. | ||
| They're fucking... | ||
| Australia is... | ||
| They're like a little more relaxed than us. | ||
| A little more down to party. | ||
| A little, you know... | ||
| They're fun people, man. | ||
| Yeah, they're just different. | ||
| I like Australians. | ||
| I've actually never met an Australian who's a dick. | ||
| I have two friends that are really famous in Australia and not famous here. | ||
| Arge Barker, who's like kind of does well here. | ||
| And Eddie Ift. | ||
| Eddie Ift, yeah. | ||
| And both of them are fucking, especially Arge. | ||
| Arge is gigantic in Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he? | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He's like fucking Justin Bieber over there. | ||
| He can't walk down the street in Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a stand-up? | |
| Yeah, and they love him in Australia. | ||
| But America is like barely hanging on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, he comes over here and just fucking half-filled crowds and shit. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| He goes over there, he fills out auditoriums every night. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he sold out some crazy shit like 18 nights in a row in a theater there. | ||
| That's a million dollars. | ||
| Yeah, at least. | ||
| I'll do that. | ||
| Yeah, it might be more than a million, by the way. | ||
| 18 nights, yeah. | ||
| Australia, I'm coming. | ||
| It's like two million. | ||
| I've been offered a couple times, and it's just like, I'm always like, we're going to fly my first class? | ||
| Well, we don't have it in the budget. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| That budget, well, it's a $25,000 fucking ticket in first class. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lot. | |
| That's why. | ||
| They put you on one of those A380s, and you get like a little apartment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what first class is. | ||
| But if you don't do that, then you're stuck in a cramped spot for 16 hours, and it sucks. | ||
| I'll do business class. | ||
| Business class. | ||
| Because I flew first class to Thailand when I was doing Hangover 2. And that was, that was, that, I got off the plane, I was a year older. | ||
| That was so fucking long it took me. | ||
| And I was sitting first class and it was like luxurious and everything else. | ||
| I had all Taiwanese airline or whatever it was. | ||
| It was unbelievable. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| Too long. | ||
| Yeah, and you feel like shit for days. | ||
| You know, they say that the radiation from those planes when you're flying in high altitude, the radiation is way worse than the radiation you're getting when you're going through the metal detector. | ||
| Well, the air is also shitty, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Shit air. | ||
| And you've got to drink a lot of water. | ||
| I do. | ||
| A lot of the hangover feeling that people get? | ||
| Dehydration. | ||
| Yeah, dehydration. | ||
| Drink a lot of water, eat something very nutritious. | ||
| Alpha brain helps a lot. | ||
| It's fantastic for jet lag. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, fantastic for jet lag and fantastic for when you don't get enough sleep. | ||
| Because that's one of the main reasons that you have that sort of like a foggy, misfiring sort of a brain when you're hungover or when you're jet lagged. | ||
| So your neurotransmitters are off. | ||
| Mike Young said, he goes, you and Rogan, I've been with you guys on the road. | ||
| You guys don't need any sleep. | ||
| I don't know how you do it. | ||
| I was like, I need sleep, but if I'm having a good time, I can go. | ||
| Because I was in Afghanistan, and I didn't sleep for probably a week, like just very little. | ||
| I was still working out. | ||
| I was just so pumped and afraid at the same time. | ||
| So my adrenaline was just literally pumping for a week. | ||
| So I didn't even need any sleep. | ||
| I'd wake up two hours and be like, all right. | ||
| When you've got sold out shows and you're going to do big giant fucking crowds waiting to see you, you get fired up, man. | ||
| I don't care if you're tired. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you have to. | ||
| I've felt sick with a fever. | ||
| I get on stage, an hour and a half later I come off and I'm like, I'm 100% right now. | ||
| Yeah, you feel better. | ||
| Yeah, no one is ever going to understand that feeling unless they've actually done it. | ||
| But there's a giant responsibility that you have after a while when people are coming to see you. | ||
| You remember when you would go to a comedy club and it was just like you happened to be headlining, but nobody knew who the fuck you were. | ||
| When I went out on that stage in front of your fans in Denver, Denver it was so loud it hurt my face I could feel that I could feel the sound waves on my face that was 2000 ravenous fans ravenous fans and the minute I walked out there they thought I was Joe Rogan and They were on their feet, literally like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, oh, okay. | |
| This is a whole different level. | ||
| Yeah, we just tell people what we're talking about. | ||
| We punked the crowd, and Brian went on. | ||
| We said, ladies and gentlemen, Joey Diaz brought me up, but Brian went on stage instead. | ||
| I recorded it, actually. | ||
| It was really funny, though. | ||
| It was hilarious because they went on for a little while, but then they were like, hey, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| What the hell's going on? | ||
| Let me see if I can find it. | ||
| You guys, don't forget about the 10-Minute Podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're number 15. You're number 15 now? | |
| 10-Minute Podcast is number, I think, 15. Last time I checked, I was number 14. Oh, you sound so good. | ||
| I was nine yesterday, so it was pretty exciting. | ||
| Are you excited? | ||
| I love it! | ||
| Yeah, this is you. | ||
| me and see how long it takes before they realize it's not me. | ||
| And then just come walking out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just come walking out. | |
| And this is Joey Diaz about to bring me on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love me and Joe Rogan. | |
| Get out there. | ||
| Listen to that crowd, dude. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| What's going on, you little fucking freaks? | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
| And they still think I'm you. | ||
| Or you're me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Only people in the front row were like, what the fuck's going on? | |
| They were like, what? | ||
| Did he lose a lot of weight? | ||
| Does Joe have rickets? | ||
| He's still on stage, and now I got on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then I was like Your fans are great too They were literally all... | |
| I couldn't get out of the foyer. | ||
| You hadn't seen it before. | ||
| I remember telling you, I'm like, wait until Joey Diaz goes on stage. | ||
| I go, you're going to see something that you've never seen before. | ||
| I remember the look on your face. | ||
| You were like, holy shit. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| It's on a completely different level. | ||
| Why do you think your podcast is so insanely popular? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| People are connecting with it. | ||
| What are they connecting with? | ||
| I am being as honest as humanly possible. | ||
| And I got a lot of interests. | ||
| I'm fascinated by things. | ||
| And I think people get to be fascinated along with me. | ||
| On this podcast, and they know that if I'm telling you something, whether I'm right or wrong, it's because I truly honestly believe it. | ||
| It's because I've looked at it, I've studied it, even if it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Like Bigfoot, like Bigfoot talk. | ||
| I'm not willing to say that Bigfoot's not real. | ||
| And for a lot of people, as soon as you start saying shit like that, you become an idiot. | ||
| As soon as you start saying things like, you think maybe there might be intelligent life that's visited this planet thousands of years ago and actually made people out of monkeys. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| The fact that people exist alone is bizarre enough to me to leave open a billion different possibilities for how life is seeded throughout the universe, including life on Earth. | ||
| But I'm not afraid of looking like a retard. | ||
| I'm not scared. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons. | ||
| I also think that I'm really impressed. | ||
| I think a lot of people, young men especially, want to learn something. | ||
| Well, a lot of young men are demonized. | ||
| And we've got a real fucking problem in this country where we're suppressing masculinity. | ||
| We're not accepting the fact that men like manly shit. | ||
| We like V8s. | ||
| We like stakes. | ||
| We like Leonard Skinner. | ||
| We like hunting and fishing and MMA. And guess what? | ||
| You being prejudiced about that... | ||
| It's just as bad as a man being sexist. | ||
| It's just as bad as a person being racist. | ||
| But you're judging and making people... | ||
| You know how many times I've felt bad for what I look like or who I am or what I like when I was a young man, especially? | ||
| Women, intellectuals, all these different people would look down on you as if there was something wrong with you that you legitimately enjoyed what you enjoy without hurting anybody. | ||
| I always felt inappropriate. | ||
| And there's still a lot of circles where I come and I go, man, I think in such a different way than these fucking people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You feel like you're doing something wrong when you're younger. | ||
| I just like rolling around on a mat. | ||
| Well, we're not represented. | ||
| We're not represented. | ||
| Because men, when they reach a certain point in time, they have to put on a fucking tie and some stupid shoes with slippery bottoms and go to some job that sucks. | ||
| That's the majority of men. | ||
| And so they're not really represented. | ||
| When a guy gets buck wild and lives like Mike Tyson, he's not celebrated. | ||
| He's going to crash. | ||
| Well, it's interesting because people want to censor you right away because I think you're a threat. | ||
| That's almost like there was a psychiatrist talking about male-female dynamics a lot of times, and a lot of women will be really attracted to an alpha male. | ||
| And then what happens is, and it's very, very common, and it's a big problem in a relationship, what they'll do And this guy's a couples counselor who works with a lot of different couples. | ||
| What they'll do is women will then be afraid that that aggression is going to be turned on them and their children. | ||
| So they'll take it out of the man. | ||
| When they finally take it out of the man, a man gives up. | ||
| He's like, fuck this. | ||
| I don't want to deal with all these things. | ||
| No, they're not attracted to him anymore. | ||
| They're not attracted to him anymore. | ||
| Yeah, it's a grand game. | ||
| So the point is, don't lose sight of who you are and what you're trying to do. | ||
| There's a great deal to learn and accomplish by embracing your masculinity. | ||
| You learn just as much trying to get your black belt in jiu-jitsu as you do getting a PhD in certain ways. | ||
| About yourself, I'm talking about. | ||
| Well, you learn more. | ||
| You learn more. | ||
| Listen, it's all relative, but what's important in this life is embrace what you enjoy. | ||
| And most men are not taught that. | ||
| Most men are made to feel terrible about liking certain things. | ||
| And by the way, it's just as masculine to play the flute if you play it really well. | ||
| No, it isn't. | ||
| No, but it is. | ||
| Stop lying to people. | ||
| There are different forms and expressions of masculinity. | ||
| You don't have to be hit in a bag and shit, you know. | ||
| Well, I just think, not even masculinity, that's not even the word, it's really honesty. | ||
| Because I get a lot of positive messages from women. | ||
| It's like, you're allowed to be yourself. | ||
| Women should be into girls. | ||
| My wife's into all kinds of girly shit. | ||
| I don't even try to understand it. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I don't pretend. | ||
| But I don't judge her. | ||
| I mean, she genuinely likes it. | ||
| There's people who genuinely like country music. | ||
| They genuinely like it. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| They want to hear it. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that, man. | ||
| And the problem with a lot of people, and a lot of liberals especially, is that they will mock what you love. | ||
| If you don't like what they like, they will try to marginalize your opinion. | ||
| And they'll do it by calling you a hyper-masculine man. | ||
| That's the best way to put it. | ||
| That's a really interesting way. | ||
| They marginalize your opinion and they marginalize you. | ||
| And they do it through criticism. | ||
| And sometimes it can be effective criticism. | ||
| It can be very glossy criticism. | ||
| Where they're using big words and they're comparing you to something and you don't really have necessarily the ammunition to fight back because you're not as good with language and all of a sudden you feel kind of without ammo. | ||
| Well, it might not even be that. | ||
| It might be that you haven't even thought about it. | ||
| And they've been working on this argument against who you are as a human being for most of their life because you're the type of person who's always rejected them. | ||
| You're the type of person that didn't think they were sexually attractive, so it made them feel bad. | ||
| So now they've decided that these hyper-masculine men who are not attracted to me are assholes ruining this earth. | ||
| Meanwhile, if that guy thought you were sexy and he liked to fuck you and you would like to fuck him and you were into this hyper-masculine guy sticking his big cock inside of you, then you'd have a different thing. | ||
| I was like, well, we think differently, but as long as he respects my space, I'll suck his cock. | ||
| But no, he doesn't want to fuck you. | ||
| So he's an enemy because he gives to you a bad feeling. | ||
| A feeling of you not being attractive, a feeling of you being rejected. | ||
| It's the same thing with ugly men who become woman haters. | ||
| Their whole life, they've been rejected by women over and over and over again. | ||
| So they develop this, fuck these bitches, fuck these hoes. | ||
| They have this attitude towards women, fucking lesbian. | ||
| That fucking, that attitude is not much different than the really homely, ultra-aggressive feminist woman who wants to attack everything that men are into. | ||
| Hyper-masculine, rape supporters, rape culture. | ||
| It's really a lot of the same thing. | ||
| It's finding someone who's different than you and conveniently putting them in a box so that anything that they enjoy, whether you enjoy it or not, anything that they enjoy becomes fodder. | ||
| Anything that they enjoy becomes something that you can use to dismiss them. | ||
| That kind of criticism becomes habitual and it makes it impossible to actually achieve anything yourself when you walk around like such a good critic. | ||
| When you're a good critic, that same critic comes back to criticize you when you really try to do something. | ||
| Well, you have to be able to look at yourself and your own nonsense. | ||
| And you also have to be able to look at how other people are going to view your own nonsense. | ||
| And just because you don't like something doesn't mean something is bad. | ||
| It just means it's not for you. | ||
| And you can't marginalize someone based on what they like or what they don't like. | ||
| There's some brilliant people that like fucking pop music. | ||
| They are brilliant, but they like to get in their car and listen to stupid ass fucking songs and sing along. | ||
| It's fun for them. | ||
| And it doesn't make them less of a human. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We got a real fucking problem in this country of looking for fault in other folks instead of first doing our own goddamn personal inventory first. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It gets you to think that there's something you have to add. | ||
| You have to add to yourself. | ||
| When in fact, it's probably something you have to delete. | ||
| You have to take something away from yourself that isn't really you. | ||
| And just get back to who you really are. | ||
| It's kind of a neat way of looking at development and growth. | ||
| A lot of times I really think that stand-up and all the things I do are just bringing me back to who I've always been. | ||
| In a way. | ||
| It's a process of sort of... | ||
| Distilling. | ||
| What I love about writing and stand-up is that as I do it, I start to realize in some ways I've always been writing about the same thing over and over again. | ||
| But in a way, I'm distilling who I really am. | ||
| I'm getting to the core essence of who I really am. | ||
| So now what I do, at 45, now what I'm able to do is just sit and let things come to me a little bit more. | ||
| I don't have to reach as much. | ||
| Or I can just be and trust what's inside of me to do the job. | ||
| Well, you also get to a point where you stop trying to be someone else. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| That's so huge. | ||
| And it takes a while, man. | ||
| It takes a while. | ||
| And be easy on yourself, you know? | ||
| Don't be easy on yourself. | ||
| Don't listen to me. | ||
| Well, what I mean by that is don't be too critical of yourself. | ||
| Just know it's a process. | ||
| It's a process. | ||
| And keep doing it. | ||
| Don't listen. | ||
| It's going to be painful as fuck. | ||
| Be very critical of yourself or you're not going to get anywhere. | ||
| Well, be honest with yourself. | ||
| You and I were never critical of each other. | ||
| We were honest with each other, remember? | ||
| Very important. | ||
| And we still are. | ||
| Yeah, all the time. | ||
| We call each other and we have conversations where we're not critical because we love each other. | ||
| We're like, hey, dude, let me bring your attention to something you may not be seeing. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| In both of our credit, whenever you've done that to me, whenever I've done that to you, you're always like, yep, you're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I love it when you do that. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| It's huge! | ||
| Look, I welcome that, man. | ||
| That's when you know you have a real friend. | ||
| When someone like you calls and says, Hey, dude, you can do better, and this is why, or, you know, you're not living up to the... | ||
| Dude, at first you don't want to hear it, and maybe it'll bug you for a couple days. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Learn to love that shit. | ||
| Don't take criticism from somebody who doesn't know what they're doing. | ||
| And don't fucking just take blind criticism or people who want to humiliate you or be better than you with their stupid words. | ||
| I'm not talking about that. | ||
| I'm talking about somebody who's on your side and wants to give you constructive criticism. | ||
| Embrace that shit, man. | ||
| Embrace it. | ||
| Yeah, it's just hard to find like-minded folks. | ||
| It's hard to find people that also have their shit together or want to get their shit together. | ||
| It's hard to find people who are also on the right track and not trying to sabotage themselves all the time. | ||
| That's what I said before. | ||
| Sometimes you might have to change your gang. | ||
| You might have to change people you run with. | ||
| Well, that's why when you and I first met, I would get mad at these fucking idiots you were hanging out with, and there was a difference between you and I. So you would suffer all these fools, and I would come along, especially when I was young. | ||
| Me and I met when we were in our 20s. | ||
| I was a savage. | ||
| You were a ball. | ||
| You were a ball of hate and energy. | ||
| I just wasn't into no one's nonsense. | ||
| If you were trying to push some nonsense on me, no, sorry dude. | ||
| And you'd see it. | ||
| I'd be like, this guy's a problem. | ||
| This guy's just nonsense. | ||
| He's talking nonsense. | ||
| He wants too much attention. | ||
| You gonna hang out with him? | ||
| Because I'm getting out of here. | ||
| And that's the only way to live. | ||
| You were so good at removing yourself from any kind of suppressive energy. | ||
| Dude, you had guys around you that were straight con men. | ||
| It was really unfortunate to see. | ||
| Imposters. | ||
| Yeah, I would be around you and you would bring these guys over like a party at your house or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, because I thought it didn't cost me anything. | ||
| It was just fun. | ||
| Look at this male hustler he has hanging out at his house. | ||
| Like, this guy could be doing anything. | ||
| He could be a fake psychic. | ||
| He's fucking completely full of shit. | ||
| He's just decided that this is going to be his thing. | ||
| Man, is L.A. so full of that shit, too, man? | ||
| We're so full of that. | ||
| So full of broken people. | ||
| Who said somebody took the continental of the United States, turned it on its side, and everything loose rolled to California? | ||
| Well, you think about what California is. | ||
| It's two things that are weird about it. | ||
| One, it's people that weren't satisfied with the East Coast. | ||
| Everybody landed on the East Coast. | ||
| They came here to reinvent themselves. | ||
| They kept going. | ||
| They were willing to cross the fucking Rocky Mountains. | ||
| So just that, the beginning, is just crazy. | ||
| The fact that anybody knew that it was anything cool over here is crazy to begin with. | ||
| You know, the 20s, they started doing it in the 20s. | ||
| Boy, am I used to the weather, though, man. | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| I don't want it anymore. | ||
| I want some rain. | ||
| I think I like the winter here the best. | ||
| Because the winter, it rains all the time. | ||
| It rains like once a week. | ||
| And that's what we fucking need, man. | ||
| It's not natural to be living in a place where it doesn't rain. | ||
| And when you really realize that is when there's fires. | ||
| I mean, there's always these fucking brush fires in California. | ||
| Every couple of years or so, there's a brush fire. | ||
| Well, you and I talk about moving to Colorado. | ||
| Dude, I'm down. | ||
| But Colorado just had massive fires as well. | ||
| We gotta get ourselves a big plot of land and build some fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm down. | |
| Create a village, grow our own food. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Have pigs. | ||
| We can shoot from a chopper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And that's very important. | ||
| Well, the pigs really can get out of hand when they're feral. | ||
| We gotta have a gym. | ||
| A jiu-jitsu gym. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Rifle range. | ||
| By the way, my podcast, tomorrow or the next day, I'm going to be interviewing Nate Marquardt, Strikeforce champion. | ||
| I'm looking forward to that. | ||
| In Colorado? | ||
| No, I'll be in Vegas this weekend at the Paris, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| Is he training in Vegas? | ||
| He's a coach on The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| He is? | ||
| Yes, so I'm going to go in there and meet the guys. | ||
| Oh, he's one of the assistant coaches for Big Country? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| No, Shane Carwin. | ||
| Shane Carwin, of course. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, Carwin and Big Country are eventually going to fight. | ||
| Carwin's got, man, that poor guy's had a lot of bad luck. | ||
| He just keeps getting these operations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| He keeps getting injured. | ||
| Yeah, back operation, had to get his nose reconstructed, and then he broke it in the next fight and fucked it up again. | ||
| It's such a hard job, and that's what kills me about a lot of these guys don't make enough money, and they need to. | ||
| Yeah, it's tough. | ||
| They just need to. | ||
| Who do you think is the toughest heavyweight in the world? | ||
| Is it Junior? | ||
| Well, Junior's the champ. | ||
| Until anybody beats Junior. | ||
| You look at what Junior did to Cain Velasquez. | ||
| You look at what Junior did to Frank Mir. | ||
| Junior's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's a really good boxer. | ||
| He's really hard to take down. | ||
| And he's a really good MMA boxer. | ||
| And the difference between MMA boxing and boxing with big gloves is you can't You can't protect yourself the same way with just like a high guard and blocking things because the gloves are small and they can slip through openings and catch your chin or catch your temple. | ||
| Whereas if you have the big gloves on, you can peck off a lot more shots. | ||
| And also in MMA boxing, of course, you have to realize that with the smaller gloves, they can hit you and do more damage as well. | ||
| There's less padding on the glove. | ||
| So you can't take a shot that you might be able to take with a bigger glove. | ||
| The margin for error is way slimmer. | ||
| You make one mistake and get clipped right, you're done. | ||
| So Junior's the best MMA boxer. | ||
| You know, he's the best at MMA boxing, whereas, like, you know, Vladimir Klitschko would probably fuck him up at regular boxing. | ||
| It's a different style. | ||
| And also, you know, the dealing with... | ||
| Frank Eggers, I was watching... | ||
| He's great. | ||
| His footwork is unbelievable. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, that guy's always moving and hitting at the same time. | ||
| Did you think he won that fight? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I watched it, and I watched it very closely. | ||
| A lot of people thought he won that fight. | ||
| I can't make that call. | ||
| I think that at the end of the day, what's-his-name was the champion. | ||
| You've got to take the belt away from the champion. | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| They say they should decisively take it away. | ||
| Well, you know, Frankie lost to him right before that in a close fight. | ||
| I do know that he's the toughest small man on the planet, and I think that Ben Henderson's a lot bigger than he is physically. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| But that's par for the course for Frankie Edgar. | ||
| So I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know enough about fighting, honestly, to be able to say. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's going to go to 145 now, apparently. | ||
| Frankie is? | ||
| Frankie is, yeah. | ||
| He's got Aldo to contend with then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That scares me. | ||
| All those scary as fuck. | ||
| I don't know what you do with those leg kicks and shit. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| And his knees, too. | ||
| Oh, those knees. | ||
| He knocked Chad Mendes out with a knee. | ||
| God. | ||
| He's a fucking bad motherfucker. | ||
|
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|
Killers. | |
| You look at every one of these weight classes, like the 55, 45, and the 70. They're just killers, man. | ||
| For that matter, 85. Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's what the whole sport is now. | ||
| What it's getting to be now is, like, all these guys who have no weaknesses. | ||
| They have great takedown defense, they have great stand-up, they have great... | ||
| I mean, Aldo's world-class in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| That's a word that gets tossed around a lot. | ||
| He's world-class. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, he's a very high... | ||
| I think he beat Cobrina. | ||
| He's beaten, like, really big-name jiu-jitsu guys in straight jiu-jitsu competitions. | ||
|
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|
God! | |
| And his fucking stand-up game is what everybody's scared of. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing. | ||
| When he got Mike Brown, when he won the title, he got Mike Brown on the ground and got his back in a heartbeat and just battered him from that position. | ||
| But the way he got his back, I was like, that is some high-level shit. | ||
| Mike Brown is good. | ||
| Mike Brown is also gorilla strong. | ||
| Like Eve Edwards was telling me, and I know Mike, you know. | ||
| And Mike came out to my stand-up actually in West Palm Beach. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| And Mike, I've talked to guys who roll with Mike. | ||
| They go, he's gorilla strong, dude. | ||
| He goes, when he gets on you, you're not getting off. | ||
| You're not moving. | ||
| That guy is just a gorilla. | ||
| Yeah, he's strong as fuck. | ||
| And Aldo took his back like a ghost. | ||
| Yeah, although he told me about that fight. | ||
| He goes, he said his hips were just so good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I tried to do shit and his hips were like fucking, you know. | ||
| Well, the thing that a lot of people are concentrating on is soccer players. | ||
| That there's another facet of... | ||
| Everyone always said, wrestlers is a great base. | ||
| Some people say kickboxing, that's a great base. | ||
| But lately, soccer players. | ||
| A lot of people are looking at soccer players that eventually get into jiu-jitsu and kickboxing because they have so much better movement. | ||
| Their movement forward and backward. | ||
| Their whole game is about jumping through the air and running across the field and dodging to the left and dodging to the right and kicking a ball before anybody else can kick it. | ||
| By the way, they also learn how to kick because if you ever... | ||
| Try sometime, get a D1 soccer player. | ||
| Try to stop that ball and watch how fast it comes to a ball. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And they know how to place it. | ||
| So they develop this leg dexterity. | ||
|
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|
That's why Aldo has that wicked leg kick. | |
| His leg kick is so powerful, man. | ||
| He just whips it around and slams that fucking shin bone into your leg. | ||
| I talked to Uriah Faber about that. | ||
| He was like, I thought I was going to faint when he kicked me. | ||
| I thought I was going to literally faint. | ||
| He said, it was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that's another new sort of entry point to MMA. Professional level soccer players. | ||
| Which Aldo was. | ||
| Aldo was ready to go professional. | ||
| He's that good. | ||
| It seems like MMA is more and more gravitating toward those that are master strikers. | ||
| Because in a way, if you've got two really good wrestlers, they can kind of cancel each other out. | ||
| After a while, the more you wrestle... | ||
| In MMA, it doesn't necessarily pay off the way spending time being an excellent striker, understanding angles and all that speed and all. | ||
| That seems to be because you can end a fight so quickly. | ||
| Yeah, but you also have to have takedown defense. | ||
| Yeah, you have to have... | ||
| If you don't have takedown defense, the striking doesn't mean anything. | ||
| But it seems like if you have two really good NCAA wrestlers or Olympic wrestlers... | ||
| It's going to be hard to take either one of them down. | ||
| So that's why they're going to stand up now. | ||
| Well, you know, a lot of the wrestlers, they develop insane punching power, too, because they learn how to throw themselves into a punch the way they would throw themselves into a power double. | ||
| Like, look at Dan Henderson, who's more of a Greco wrestler, or King Mo. | ||
| King Mo's a good example. | ||
| That motherfucker can punch. | ||
| And one of the reasons why he can punch is because he knows how to throw his body into things. | ||
| You know, he's used to like putting some serious horsepower into his double legs and he puts that into his right hand now and ba-boom! | ||
| He just drops that shit on you. | ||
| That's why when you see guys like Jon Jones and Anderson and how they separate themselves and GSP, they are really extraordinary people. | ||
| There's just something about them. | ||
| Well, first of all, Jon's very physically gifted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The distance of his limbs. | ||
| How tall is he? | ||
| I think he's 6'3", but his limbs are, he's got longer arms, maybe 6'4", but he's got longer arms than Semmy Schilt, who's a heavyweight. | ||
| He was the K1 Heavyweight Grand Prix multiple-time champion, because no one could get in on Semmy. | ||
| Semi's arms and legs are so long that everybody got fucked up trying to get to him, including guys like Badr Hari. | ||
| And he dropped them with front kicks to the body and shit, because Semi's seven feet tall. | ||
| Well, Jon has longer arms than him, and he's six foot four. | ||
| He's got crazy long arms and legs. | ||
| And the reach, when we measure reach in MMA, we only measure from the shoulder to the hands. | ||
| You know, to like the fingertips, like how far you can touch. | ||
| But that's not real reach for MMA because you've got to factor in the legs. | ||
| And John's legs are so fucking long, he can kick you from a place where you can't even touch him. | ||
| I went and watched him fight Shogun and he looked like just in a completely different weight class, like a different human being. | ||
| And, by the way, he's only been striking for four years. | ||
| Shogun is a long-time MMA champion. | ||
| He's just crazy gifted. | ||
| He's very gifted. | ||
| He's a super athlete. | ||
| He's just one of those guys that... | ||
| And it's the perfect storm of being a smart guy, being a guy who works hard, who has good coaching, and is a great athlete. | ||
| All of them together. | ||
| And with crazy physical attributes. | ||
| John, every time you see him, he's better. | ||
| You see him six months later, he's a way better fighter than he was six months later. | ||
| He also loves what he does. | ||
| It seems like he's just so enthusiastic. | ||
| If that's the truth, he should have taken the Chael Sonnen fight next weekend. | ||
| He passed on that fight on eight days notice, which I thought... | ||
| I could see his point of view, but if I was in his corner, I would have said, you're going to beat this guy. | ||
| This is a guy who's coming up from 85. You're a way better fighter than him. | ||
| And you're going to make it look like a hero that you accepted this fight on short notice. | ||
| And you get to silence Chell Sonnen. | ||
| He's talking a lot of shit about you. | ||
| You just shut him down, beat his ass, and that's all done. | ||
| And it's an opportunity to make some money. | ||
| But he didn't, he felt like it was too big of a change to change up with eight days. | ||
| And it could have been also that Chael had been taunting him. | ||
| And so he didn't, you know, didn't want to like... | ||
| Yeah, also there's, it's also if he loses, if he wins, eh, big deal. | ||
| You know, he was supposed to. | ||
| If he loses, it's a big deal. | ||
| Yeah, but if he wins, it's still big. | ||
| He just still establishes himself as a bad motherfucker and a scary dude. | ||
| It's just what he is. | ||
| You know, the way he shut down Rampage, the way he shut down Rashad, the way he choked out Machida. | ||
| I mean, I just don't see Chael Sonnen being able to deal with that skill set. | ||
| I think Chael, if he had a full camp and really got a chance to really bulk up to 205 for legit... | ||
| Where he's, you know, then it would be a different story. | ||
| But in this, you know, in MMA though, I'm just saying that anything can happen in this sport, right? | ||
| So as a fighter, you're aware of that, you know? | ||
| And you have to contend with that directly and emotionally and all those things. | ||
| So you have a rematch clause. | ||
| So you have a rematch clause. | ||
| So if Chael submits him or something like that, he's got a rematch clause. | ||
| And the rematch is even bigger. | ||
| It'd be fucking gigantic. | ||
| I also think maybe that card in the UFC seems to be very aggressive about putting on a lot more events than they used to, and maybe they could scale it back a little bit. | ||
| I don't think they can. | ||
| I think with Fuel TV, with the responsibilities they have for FX, yeah, there's more demand. | ||
| Is there, though, or is there more demand, or is there just... | ||
| More obligation because of their contracts. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| But there's not just obligations because of the contract. | ||
| There's obligations for the amount of fighters that are under contract for the UFC that you have to keep working. | ||
| You can't have a guy under contract and not have him work but once a year. | ||
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
| How's he going to survive? | ||
| Fighters have to fight at least two, three times a year. | ||
| And you can't do that unless you put on a lot of events. | ||
| The UFC has more than 250 fighters under contract. | ||
| And I think it's more than that now. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| That's a big responsibility. | ||
| You know, people knocked in at White and stuff like that, but that's a big responsibility he has to all those fighters. | ||
| And now the WEC doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| So because the WEC doesn't exist anymore, now we have all the 35s, all the 45s. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| The 55s had already been assimilated a while back. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because they couldn't say a business to the WEC? No, they just figured it didn't make any sense to keep the two of them together. | ||
| When, you know, you have guys like... | ||
| Donald Cerrone, you have guys like Benson Henderson, these great fighters that were fighting the WEC. Now look, Benson's the UFC champion now. | ||
| Obviously, these guys weren't getting a shot at the top. | ||
| Can you see what Benson did when he got there? | ||
|
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|
He won. | |
| He won the whole thing. | ||
| So Benson being the WEC champion and now being the UFC champion really lends credence to the fact that it was a good move to bring those guys in. | ||
| What about Bellator and those other organizations? | ||
| There's some really good fighters over there. | ||
| Mike Chandler's really good. | ||
| He's the lightweight fighter. | ||
| He beat Eddie Alvarez, who's also really fucking good. | ||
| Those two guys are both world class. | ||
| And then there's... | ||
| Were you expecting more from the 85 where Bella Fatura came over? | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, Hector Lombard. | ||
| Apparently he was hurt. | ||
| Apparently he had a cracked sternum. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he fought anyway. | ||
| He just didn't have anything in his... | ||
|
unidentified
|
A cracked sternum. | |
| Think about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there wasn't much he could do. | ||
| Yeah, apparently he just didn't have anything in the gas tank. | ||
| I'll tell you what, though. | ||
| His fucking takedowns were ridiculous, and his takedown defense was ridiculous. | ||
| And they say he's 5'10". | ||
| He's 5'8". | ||
| He's 5'8". | ||
| I saw him down on American Top Team. | ||
| I made a good study of him. | ||
| A ball of hard rope. | ||
| I've never seen him like it. | ||
| He's an extreme mesomorph. | ||
| That's what he is. | ||
| Like, he's as thick and strong... | ||
| I looked at his legs at American Top Team. | ||
| He was just training, and I just looked at his legs... | ||
| And I was like, I mean, Thiago Alves is my boy. | ||
| He's a thick guy. | ||
| He walks around about 205 and he's about 5'8". | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Lombard is a lot bigger than he is. | ||
| His back is so ridiculous. | ||
| His judo skills are so sick that his takedown defense are ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, Tim Boach grabbed a hold and he's like, nope! | ||
| I mean, Bosch is a big guy. | ||
| Coming down from 205, he's a big 185-er. | ||
| And, you know, when Lombard wanted to take him down, he took him down. | ||
| Grabbed him, clamped his arms together, up in the air, boom! | ||
| But he just didn't do enough. | ||
| Didn't do enough and lost the decision. | ||
| But he's still a scary fuck. | ||
| And I think his next fight, he's going to open up a can on somebody. | ||
| Anderson's next fight is... | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| He actually offered to step in and fight before he knew the card was canceled. | ||
| He heard that they were without a main event. | ||
| He said he's not in 85-pound shape, but he can make 205. So he said, I'll fight any 205-pounder. | ||
| And he wasn't even in shape, like fighting, fighting shape. | ||
| As in talking about fighting who? | ||
| Jon Jones? | ||
| No, he went to fight Jon Jones because he said he wasn't in shape to fight that guy, but he said he'll fight any other 205-pounder. | ||
| So if they could get an opponent for him, some 185, you know, some 205 pounder wants to step up. | ||
| He won't fight Machida. | ||
| They're out of the same house. | ||
| They won't fight Machida, but there's a lot of other guys at 205. If he had called up just probably a couple days before, they probably would have done that. | ||
| Who would be a fight for him that would be interesting we haven't seen? | ||
| Anderson? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anybody at 205, for sure. | ||
| There's a lot of good fights at 205. But what he did to Forrest Griffin and what he did to a lot of 205s. | ||
| Yeah, well, I would like to see him against Glover, Glover Teixeira. | ||
| Glover is the scariest fight for Jon Jones at 205, and nobody even knows who Glover is. | ||
| Glover's a monster. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, he's a monster. | ||
| Yeah, he's scary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How big is he? | |
| He's big. | ||
| He's about 230. He cuts down to 205. Wow. | ||
| But he doesn't have any weaknesses. | ||
| His punching power is ridiculous. | ||
| He's got an iron chin. | ||
| He's a black belt in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Apparently, he was training with Lyoto Machida and ragdolling him. | ||
| That's the word. | ||
| Yeah, but it's a question also of his stand-up. | ||
| It's not just about punching power. | ||
| It's about angles and knowing and footwork. | ||
| Glover is a killer. | ||
| He's the one guy that is world-class that wasn't in the UFC until really recently because he had a visa problem. | ||
| He couldn't fight in America for six years. | ||
| From Brazil. | ||
| Where's he from? | ||
| And he finally got a fight in the UFC and fought Kyle Kingsbury and just blew him out of the water. | ||
| I mean, it was a scary fight to watch. | ||
| But he's beaten a lot of high-level guys. | ||
| He was the first guy to beat Sokuju. | ||
| He knocked Sokuju out. | ||
| He's beaten the fuck out of a lot of guys. | ||
| He fucked up Marvin Eastman in Brazil. | ||
| He's a beast, man. | ||
| He's a scary, scary dude. | ||
| That fight is a fight that Shogun turned down. | ||
| They offered Shogun Glover to share and he didn't think it made any sense to him. | ||
| He's like, this guy's like world class and nobody knows who he is. | ||
| And Shogun didn't want to fight him. | ||
| Shogun wound up fighting Brandon Vera instead, you know, which was a great fight. | ||
| What a fucking crazy fight that was. | ||
| Who won that? | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| Shogun did, but he had some tough times. | ||
| Brandon put up a great fight. | ||
| Brandon was there, I think. | ||
| I think he was taking pictures of people. | ||
| I think he was a good-looking kid. | ||
| Big guy. | ||
| He was there. | ||
| He was at Denver. | ||
| He was a really nice guy taking pictures of everybody. | ||
| Brandon is a great guy. | ||
| He got a bad rap for a while. | ||
| He's a great dude. | ||
| I love Brandon. | ||
| But that was an incredible, incredible fight. | ||
| But it's interesting that Shogun was like, you know what, this Glover Teixeira guy, fuck that. | ||
| It's like, you need to set up that fight. | ||
| That's a fight where people need to know who Glover is first, because this has got to be worth a lot of money. | ||
| This is a risky-ass fight. | ||
| Glover's like the most unknown guy at 205 that's super top-level and scary. | ||
| I would love to see him versus Jon Jones. | ||
| I think that would be very interesting. | ||
| Because Glover's a really seasoned striker. | ||
| Really seasoned. | ||
| And tough as fucking nails. | ||
| But he's got to do it soon. | ||
| I think he's 32 now. | ||
| You know, John is fucking skyrocketing. | ||
| Hey, listen. | ||
| You got Hendo at 41, right? | ||
| He's fucked up, though. | ||
| His knee's torn up now. | ||
| It's going to be a while for him before he heals up. | ||
| I've talked to other wrestlers about Henderson. | ||
| They say there's wrestling strong and then there's Dan Henderson strong. | ||
| Oh, he's an animal. | ||
| They say he's the strongest guy on the planet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, his massage guy that used to work on him said he's never massaged a guy. | ||
| He said he's made out of wood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he's never massaged a guy like that. | ||
| He's the densest human being on earth. | ||
| I know his massage therapist now, and she said the same thing. | ||
| I think she said to his father, he goes, what did you feed him? | ||
| He goes, I didn't feed him. | ||
| I just gave him a gun and told him I found his own food. | ||
| I'm like, well, there it is! | ||
| Yeah, he's always like... | ||
| Speaking of it, when are we eating those steaks? | ||
| I want to know. | ||
| I'm hungry. | ||
| Yeah, well, the podcast is two hours and 22 minutes, so we'll just do a little bit more podcasting. | ||
| No one cut it loose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| I'm getting hungry. | ||
| You're going to go to Alaska? | ||
| You're going to come with me? | ||
| I'm coming with you. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| How can I say no to that? | ||
| You can't say no. | ||
| I'm supposed to shoot this TV show. | ||
| Suck my TV show. | ||
| I'll find my opening, and I'm coming. | ||
| It's five days. | ||
| Yeah, you got to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck whatever stupid TV show it is. | ||
| I'm going to see you. | ||
| Are you still doing that Death Valley thing? | ||
| No, it got cancelled. | ||
| What a bummer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so fun. | |
| It sucked. | ||
| Six people saw it, but I loved it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sixteen. | |
| I heard it was sixteen. | ||
| Sixteen people? | ||
| Good, good, good. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| Was it a good show? | ||
| I had one of the best times I've ever had. | ||
| I played a perverted police chief. | ||
| And they let me just improvise and do my own shit. | ||
| It was all like werewolves and monsters. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| You called me up. | ||
| I remember you told me how ridiculous it was. | ||
| And I would hold a meeting about our current werewolf or vampire problem. | ||
| What happened that we got obsessed with vampires and werewolves? | ||
| It's just in the zeitgeist. | ||
| I know what it is. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| There was a theory. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think in those kinds of things, a lot of times technology starts moving so quickly and we just, you know, it's all technical and stuff and we just want something. | ||
| We want recess. | ||
| We want magic. | ||
| I think being afraid though, well first of all, I think what happened with vampires was they're really sexy. | ||
| I mean, Bram Stoker wrote Dracula in response to the repressive Victorian age. | ||
| It was essentially a metaphor for how repressive we were on the surface, yet how perverted we were underneath. | ||
| And along comes this handsome as shit guy who comes in, sucks your blood, and guess what? | ||
| You have an orgasm. | ||
| That's what those girls were doing. | ||
| He'd come in, handsome as shit with a cape, and suck your blood, suck your neck. | ||
| Do you remember the Gary Oldman? | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| The Gary Baldwin version was super sexual. | ||
| Yes, it was sexual. | ||
| It always was. | ||
| It was a response to that repressive Victorian age where everybody was terrified of syphilis and going to hell. | ||
| And at the end of the day, they were all fucking each other. | ||
| They'd be yanking them dresses up and just railing each other. | ||
| Like, I shouldn't be doing this. | ||
| I swear to God, I'll go to church tomorrow. | ||
| Well, back then, they used to put dresses on legs of tables. | ||
| They didn't want people being sexually excited by piano legs. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| They used to dress table legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I believe it. | |
| I believe it. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| It's the truth. | ||
| It's not a belief thing. | ||
| It's fucking craziness. | ||
| People were nuts. | ||
| People have always been, in a lot of societies, always been obsessed with the sexual problem. | ||
| That's why men and women never were allowed to work together. | ||
| Because no matter what, when you get men and women together, shit happens. | ||
| It's supposed to. | ||
| It's supposed to fuck. | ||
| But that's why it's fascinating. | ||
| But societies have always been, actually, most societies throughout history have always been concerned and centered around figuring out a way to keep that wall up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| Well, people that need to get to work. | ||
| They do it with guilt. | ||
| They make women feel like sluts if they have sex. | ||
| They make men feel guilty. | ||
| And a lot of it had to do with a lot of times you'd get a bad disease, man. | ||
| Before penicillin, and now they got gonorrhea, a strain of gonorrhea in Japan that is antibiotic-resistant. | ||
| Don't fuck in Japan. | ||
| Don't fuck in Japan, man. | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| Wait until they cure it. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| What is it about today, though, that the vampires don't have vampire characteristics? | ||
| It's like I was talking about that movie, Born Legacy. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Fun movie. | ||
| But there's this engineered super killer who is constantly saving this hot chick through this movie. | ||
| Constantly saving her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just... | ||
| Carrying her, jumping and throwing over her shoulder, jumping a fucking chasm with her. | ||
| Never fucks her. | ||
| And I'm like, what is this? | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| She is weeping. | ||
| She's holding on to him. | ||
| They're alone. | ||
| All men. | ||
| They're alone in a house. | ||
| They're sleeping in the same room. | ||
| You're selling a male fantasy. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| You want to save a woman. | ||
| It's a girl fantasy. | ||
| Both. | ||
| But it's the girl fantasy because he doesn't fuck her. | ||
| If it was a male fantasy, it'd be 007. Right. | ||
| He saves her, then he fucks her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But this guy just saves her. | ||
| There's no time to come. | ||
| He doesn't even kiss her. | ||
| At the end of the movie, after they've been through so much together, they're looking at each other eye to eye and smiling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it! | |
| No fucking! | ||
| She doesn't pull his cock out. | ||
| She doesn't start sucking it. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| I shouldn't do this. | ||
| I want him to love and respect me, but I want his cock in my mouth. | ||
| No, there's none of that. | ||
| But that's the same thing with vampires. | ||
| These vampires, they can go out in the sun now, and they just sparkle. | ||
| They just want to be with you. | ||
| They don't want to kill you. | ||
| They eat deer blood. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| But that was the whole... | ||
| The reason Twilight was so big is that he was an outsider. | ||
| He was a leper. | ||
| And she could only see him at night. | ||
| It was Romeo and Juliet. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| But it wasn't Romeo and Juliet because Romeo was 14 too. | ||
| This motherfucker's a thousand years old. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And she has a dilemma. | ||
| He's several hundred years old. | ||
| Should I get turned and be with him forever? | ||
| Yeah, but she's a fucking high school kid. | ||
| What is wrong with him? | ||
| He's a creepy cocksucker. | ||
| Well, listen, she was fucking cute. | ||
| It's all unrequited. | ||
| Do you think you'd be cool with that? | ||
| And he was in high school. | ||
| No, he wasn't. | ||
| No, he wasn't. | ||
| Fuck you, Joe! | ||
| He was in high school in the 1800s. | ||
| You don't fucking know! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was taking science class. | |
| Didn't he, like, uh, is everyone dying from, like, the Spanish flu or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, influenza or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, that was, like, the early 1900s. | ||
| That guy was old as fuck. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Listen, man, the older you get, though. | ||
| It's like Dom Herrera. | ||
| Dom Herrera was saying, we were all hanging out one time a long time ago and there were these girls there and Dom goes, those girls are good looking. | ||
| And I go, yeah, they're fucking 21. Yeah, they look pretty good from here. | ||
| And he goes, no, because at that age, you know, a girl could have a goat head. | ||
| I wouldn't really give a fuck. | ||
| 21 with a goat head. | ||
| I'd be like, that chick with a goat head has got a really nice body. | ||
| It's fine for me. | ||
| She's 21, you know. | ||
| Well, it's funny that, you know, the thing comparing the way gay men look at men as compared to the way women look at men. | ||
| And with women, what's important is a guy's eyes, his smile, his jawline. | ||
| With men, with gay men, these dudes don't even have to have heads. | ||
| They just look at a body. | ||
| If you could find like a hot guy who was headless, just stuck his fucking hairy ass up in there, guys would just be stroking and they'd be like, yeah, I don't need a head. | ||
| My buddy Keith's got a boyfriend, and his name is Stan, and he wears his hair over one eye. | ||
| Did I tell you this? | ||
| Oh, no, he didn't. | ||
| And he's Filipino. | ||
| He's really good looking. | ||
| He's got this bubble ass and big tits. | ||
| Oh, big tits? | ||
| Yeah, just he does a lot of bench. | ||
| He's got a full mouth, and my buddy Keith is really macho. | ||
| And he makes millions of dollars and he was like staring at him one time and he was like, look at him. | ||
| Look at how fucking beautiful he is. | ||
| And I go, I was like, oh yeah. | ||
| And he goes, you know why I put up with all this bullshit? | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| He goes, look at that ass. | ||
| And I was like, but I get it. | ||
| I was like, you're not even, you're not really even gay. | ||
| You're just a dude who fucks guys. | ||
| I'm not even sure that's, like you're just so hyper male that you gotta, you know. | ||
| Oh, that's silly. | ||
| He's gay. | ||
| All right, well don't fuck. | ||
| Gay guys are just guys who are gay. | ||
| The guy's hairless with a full mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a guy. | |
| A lot of guys are into the Asian guys. | ||
| That's where Asian guys are cherished. | ||
| Whereas Asian guys have a hard time when it comes to white women. | ||
| A lot of white women are like, what the fuck? | ||
| I went and saw... | ||
| I went with some of the cast from The Hangover. | ||
| I went to the fucking ladyboy show in Thailand. | ||
| Let me explain something to you. | ||
| One day... | ||
| I'd last a day in jail before I was banging the shit out of those fucking dudes, alright? | ||
| One day I'd last. | ||
| I'd be like, you know what? | ||
| You look so... | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| In the butt or the mouth? | ||
| Who gives a... | ||
| Yes! | ||
| What if he's got a cock? | ||
| You'd be able to look down at the little... | ||
| Look, dude, just put a knocking over or something. | ||
| They're tiny anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Push it to the side. | |
| What if you felt, as you're fucking him in the ass, you felt his cock slapping against your butthole? | ||
| How many drinks have I had? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many drinks have I had? | |
| How much alcohol? | ||
| Two drinks. | ||
| I gotta have at least three, dude, otherwise it's gay. | ||
| You gotta tell him, listen, you gotta hold on to your cock while I'm fucking in the ass because it's slapping me in the asshole. | ||
| Look, bro, bro, get me some masking tape. | ||
| I'll tape it right to your belly button and don't fucking look me in the eye. | ||
| How feminine did they look? | ||
| They're some of the best looking women I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Did I answer your fucking question? | ||
| And did they show their cocks? | ||
| Like, what does it show? | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| They tape them down. | ||
| It's ladyboys, and a lot of them have had the operation already. | ||
| So then, what are they then? | ||
| Look, Brody Stevens asked him. | ||
| He was being, like, his face was being stroked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I looked at Brody. | |
| I go, listen, Brody. | ||
| If you take that girl slash guy home and fuck her tonight, you're not gay. | ||
| And I'll defend you to the fucking day you die. | ||
| Because that's one of the best looking chicks I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he was like, no, I can't. | ||
| But gee whiz, look at her. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| But yeah, they were fucking beautiful. | ||
| A couple of them, I was like, that's a girl. | ||
| There's no way that's a guy. | ||
| It's impossible that that's a guy. | ||
| And they were like, that's a guy. | ||
| Well, we had one on the man show that was so pretty that we were hanging out at the comedy store and she was pulling up, or he, whatever you want to call her, was pulling up in a car and Eddie Bravo was like, whoa, check out this chick. | ||
| That girl's so pretty. | ||
| I go, dude, that's a guy. | ||
| I was in Cheetahs. | ||
| I was at Cheetahs in Vegas, okay? | ||
| And that's a big strip club. | ||
| And there was a girl there with a cowboy hat. | ||
| Who had a line of men trying to bring her into the room to have a dance. | ||
| The reason I knew that that was a guy was because on MADtv, one of our makeup women used to be a guy. | ||
| And she was friends with this person who had become a woman. | ||
| So I knew that that was a transsexual. | ||
| And she was also, she was Vietnamese. | ||
| She was fucking gorgeous. | ||
| Then she later got married to a very wealthy, I think I can say it. | ||
| I don't want to say it, but he was a very, very well-known rocker, a guitarist. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| It's a rock star? | ||
| Not a rock star, but he made a lot of money in a band, a very popular band. | ||
| And he married a he-she? | ||
| And he married her, which only gave me more respect for him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I don't want to say. | ||
| It's probably public. | ||
| Actually, no, I know, but I don't want to say because I don't want them to know that this person was stripping. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that goes on with this. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I don't want to, you know. | ||
| I'll tell you later, obviously. | ||
| Well, this guy that had become a girl that Eddie Bravo had seen in the car, we had her on the man show. | ||
| And the man show was... | ||
| The man show... | ||
| You see that sign behind... | ||
| It said, Make Me Hard? | ||
| See that? | ||
| This sign right here? | ||
| That was the game. | ||
| The game was Make Me Hard. | ||
| And what it was was we had an electronic box over a dude's dick. | ||
| And we would decide when the light would go off. | ||
| There's a red light on it. | ||
| And the light would indicate that he has an erection. | ||
| So we would have different things in front of him, like a midget eating a banana, all these different things that would give him a boner. | ||
| It was a fun gig. | ||
| But when we did it, we did one of them with a transsexual, and she was fucking hot, man. | ||
| I'm telling you, you would not be able to tell. | ||
| So she's on this guy's lap, okay? | ||
| And the guy's going, woo-woo! | ||
| She's got whipped cream. | ||
| She puts whipped cream on her tits. | ||
| He sucks the whipped cream off her tits. | ||
| Everybody's going fucking crazy. | ||
| The audience is going shithouse. | ||
| Then she pulls out her panties and unveils this dick that looks like it had been poisoned. | ||
| Because she'd been taking all these female hormones. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| So her dick was like black and sick. | ||
| It was like it had been... | ||
| It was atrophying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Not just atrophying. | ||
| It was like it was completely cut off from the process. | ||
| Like withered away. | ||
| See, now I have a boner. | ||
| Is that weird? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was black. | |
| It was a black dick. | ||
| And she was not black. | ||
| She was like a Latina, something or another. | ||
| But her dick was dark. | ||
| It was dark. | ||
| It was tired. | ||
| It was rotting. | ||
| It was like it was rotting away. | ||
| And she pulls it out in front of everybody, in front of the crowd. | ||
| And the collective... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Of everyone. | ||
| And the look of repulsion in the guy's eyes. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| He's tied to this chair with this box over his dick. | ||
| By the way, the red light's flashing like crazy now. | ||
| Because we control the red light. | ||
| It wasn't really when he had a corner. | ||
| So the lights, everyone's going, oh! | ||
| And there's a dick right in front of his face. | ||
| And this crazy bitch that he had just sucked... | ||
| Whipped cream off her tits. | ||
| And now she's got this cock in front of them. | ||
| By the way, they had no problem with that. | ||
| Comedy Central had no problem with that. | ||
| But they did have a problem with hard. | ||
| The reason why that sign is here is because we had to use another sign. | ||
| Because it couldn't be make me hard. | ||
| Because make me hard was, they wanted it make me stiff. | ||
| That's what they said. | ||
| That was one of the things they argued. | ||
| Those are arbitrary things that the standards and practices guys decide on the set. | ||
| It's not even standards and practices. | ||
| It's the network. | ||
| Advertisers. | ||
| It's not even that. | ||
| It's just a bunch of dummies who want to have their say on things. | ||
| And that's why doing something on the internet is so beautiful. | ||
| If we had one of those same executives in this room and we were talking about things, they would probably tell us not to talk about it. | ||
| They would tell us to change the subject. | ||
| If someone had to sit down with us and give us a list of shit that we couldn't talk about. | ||
| The internet gives you personal responsibility. | ||
| It gives you your own sovereignty. | ||
| And it's what all human beings want and should have. | ||
| If I don't pee right now, I'm going to die. | ||
| Don't die. | ||
| Come to Vegas. | ||
| Two hours and 35 minutes. | ||
| Let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Let's bring this bitch into the harbor. | ||
| Check out Brian Callen's podcast. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Man Thoughts? | ||
| Yeah, Man Thoughts with Brian Callen. | ||
| Brian Callen show. | ||
| It's real simple. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're going to fuck yourself by having some other name now. | ||
| You keep changing the name. | ||
| No, no, that's it. | ||
| We're sticking to this. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| How about the Brian Callen experience? | ||
| No? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, no. | |
| It's the Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| I stole it from Jimi Hendrix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's only one Joe Rogan. | |
| This weekend, Friday night, now added, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Friday and Saturday, it's going to be me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Jafir. | ||
| Friday night, Doug Stanhope is joining me. | ||
| We're doing something for Tosh.0 together on Friday during the day. | ||
| So when we're done with that, we're going to do the show at the Ice House that night and have a fucking party. | ||
| So we will have an Ice House Chronicles on Friday that will have Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Go take your piss, man. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Don't worry about me, brother. | ||
| 10-minute podcast. | ||
| Yeah, follow that and follow Brian Callen, B-R-Y-A-N-C-A-L-L-E-N, on the Twitter. | ||
| Thank you, everybody, for the positive messages on Twitter and on Facebook and even Google+. | ||
| I've been on Google +, lately, and I've been on Reddit lately, just for a little bit, but I'm going to do a Reddit Ask Me Anything before my special is released, which should be either at the end of September or the beginning of October, depending on when my website is done. | ||
| The new studio should be. | ||
| The lease is signed tomorrow. | ||
| Hip hip hooray! | ||
| And we will begin construction and it will be dope. | ||
| And then we will take shit to the next level, you motherfuckers! | ||
| It's going to be a hangout. | ||
| It's going to be like John Gotti Social Club, but for nice people. | ||
| But I'm fucking pumped about it. | ||
| I've never really had my own place before, like a real place, like an office. | ||
| I've got grand plans for this. | ||
| I'm very, very excited. | ||
| We've got a lot of cool guests coming up. | ||
| Survivor Man, I've been in contact with him. | ||
| He's coming on the podcast. | ||
| We're going to get Rich Roll, who is a vegan athlete. | ||
| Mack Danzig, I've got to holler at you as well, who's also another vegan athlete and a great fighter and fights in the UFC. So we gotta represent the vegans. | ||
| A lot of people think that I hate vegans. | ||
| I do not, absolutely. | ||
| And I eat a lot of vegetables. | ||
| I eat a very vegetable diet. | ||
| But I like meat. | ||
| And I eat that too. | ||
| Tough shit. | ||
| Mostly grass-fed though. | ||
| That's the way to go. | ||
| Alright, this fucking podcast is over. | ||
| I'm rambling! | ||
| So come see us this weekend, this Friday and Saturday night at the Ice House. | ||
| And again, Doug Stanhope will be joining us on Friday. | ||
| But on Saturday, it'll be Ari Shafir, Joe Diaz, and me. | ||
| And Ari Shafir and Joe Diaz will also be on the Friday night show. | ||
| Next weekend, Santa Barbara, the Lo Barrow Theater. | ||
| That's next Friday night. | ||
| And I'm fucking pumped about that. | ||
| So that's September 7th. | ||
| And then Toronto on the... | ||
| Oh, the Crest Theater in Sacramento, September 14th. | ||
| Massey Hall, rather, in Toronto on the 21st. | ||
| Memorial Hall in Raleigh, North Carolina on the 28th. | ||
| And the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina on the 29th. | ||
| And Duncan Trussell says I may move there. | ||
| I may have to. | ||
| And those North Carolina dates will be Joe Diaz and Duncan Trussell. | ||
| All right, you freaks. | ||
| Thanks to Alienware for sponsoring our podcast by providing us with cool laptops. | ||
| And thank you for sponsoring so many MMA fighters. | ||
| Follow Alienware MMA on Twitter, please! | ||
| And thanks to Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Go get yourself some Alpha Brain or Shroom Tech or Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport. | ||
| Get yourself some Bone Strong. | ||
| Get yourself some New Mood, some Kettlebells, some Battle Robes. | ||
| Get your manly shit on and use the codename Rogan and save 10% off any supplements. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The best podcast in the land. | |
| And we will end this thing with Brian Callen singing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got short legs but a tired ass and a burl of snakes for a bite. | |
| We love everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got a wide face but expressive eyes and no hair on his head. | |
| He's got big hands, big feet. | ||
| Trying to talk Brian Callan into moving in the neighborhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry, guys. | |
| All right, you guys, we love you, and this fucking show's over. | ||
| Thank you for everybody. | ||
| Thank you for everybody, my friend. | ||
| Thank you for your time. | ||
| You're good to us. | ||
| Grillo's pickles. | ||
| Grillo's pickles in the house. | ||
| All right, we'll see you guys tomorrow with Mike Berbiglia. | ||
| Mike Berbiglia will be joining us in the podcast tomorrow, and that's it for the week. | ||
| All right, we love you, fucks. |
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