Aug. 30, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:30:15
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hey everybody, it's Joe Rogan, and this is my podcast. | ||
| And this is the new way I'm going to do my commercial now. | ||
| Because I can't keep saying it the same fucking way. | ||
| But it turns out the regular way halfway through it. | ||
| Somewhere along the line, I give up. | ||
| I always give up. | ||
| Our podcast is sponsored by Onnit, which is essentially a vitamin, supplement, and fitness company. | ||
| It's a company that I am a part of. | ||
| I own a part of the company. | ||
| The reason being that I got involved in it and I believe in the ethics of the company and I believe what they're selling. | ||
| We sell the best quality nutrients. | ||
| Some of them are nootropics. | ||
| Some of them are sports exercise ones like Shroom Tech Sport. | ||
| Alpha Brain is the famous nootropic one. | ||
| We also sell hemp protein powder with maca and raw cocoa. | ||
| It's fucking fantastic stuff. | ||
| Kettlebells and battle ropes. | ||
| It's all essentially fitness and lifestyle and health supplements. | ||
| It's all stuff that I believe in. | ||
| It's all stuff that I've always been taking long before I ever got involved in this company. | ||
| So if you're interested in it, if you're interested in nootropics, a very controversial area, I want you to just go to Google and just Google the word nootropics. | ||
| N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C. It's all about supplementation to enhance your brain's ability to produce neurotransmitters. | ||
| It's all very complicated stuff. | ||
| That's what I need. | ||
| A retard like me should not be really talking about it because I don't really know what I'm saying. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I'm just repeating scientific shit that I've read. | ||
| But I believe that if you believe in it, I actually would take that to heart because you actually don't really... | ||
| I mean, I don't know your finances, but you don't seem like you need a lot of money. | ||
| You were on a network... | ||
| You hosted a network TV show for a lot of years. | ||
| You were a star of talk radio, news radio and everything. | ||
| Well, I'm also an idiot. | ||
| I could have spent that money. | ||
| He's got gold boudos. | ||
| I would never get involved with anything that I don't believe in. | ||
| I just wouldn't. | ||
| I don't have another life to live. | ||
| I've got one. | ||
| And while I'm already ahead and I'm not worried about paying my bills and everything's going well, the last thing I want to do is get involved in anything that I didn't really. | ||
| That's not true, though, because I did do Fear Factor again for another term. | ||
| But you've got to realize I really like those guys that I worked with. | ||
| And you're good at it, too, by the way. | ||
| And I would be sick if I saw somebody else doing it. | ||
| I really would have. | ||
| Even though that show was retarded, that was my baby. | ||
| I did 148 of those fucking things. | ||
| But there's no way I would be involved in a company unless I believed in it. | ||
| And everything that we sell it on it is all stuff that I use in my daily life that I've talked about long before I got involved in this company. | ||
| Especially kettlebells, which I feel are the best as far as strength and conditioning. | ||
| If I had to pick one exercise, I think kettlebells is the best piece of exercise equipment that you can have. | ||
| It's like a cannonball that's got a handle on it. | ||
| And it's all about controlling this fucking cannonball. | ||
| And they come in a bunch of different sizes. | ||
| I use sometimes as light as 35 pounds, sometimes 50 pounds, sometimes 70 pounds. | ||
| And they give you amazing workouts that directly apply to jujitsu for me. | ||
| But for any athletic endeavor where it relies on explosiveness and muscle power, And it's all exercises that make your body move as one complete unit. | ||
| As opposed to like isolation exercises, which a lot of people do at the gym when you see them lifting weights. | ||
| This is something where your entire body, like there's things called Turkish get-ups, where you hold this weight up, you're lying on your back, and then you slowly and controlledly stand all the way up to your feet, And then bring it all the way back down. | ||
| It's a really odd thing, you would think, but it's really applicable for strength and fitness in real-world athletic pursuits and even just for picking shit up and even just for having a strong body. | ||
| It's better to have a strong body than a weak-ass bitch body. | ||
| There, I said it. | ||
| Unless you date girls that are bisexual, they tend to like the bitch body look. | ||
| Do they really like that? | ||
| Do girls who are bisexual and they're like a guy that's not guy-like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's too much of a gamble, though. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's my secret. | |
| Yeah, you're going to gamble for a niche market? | ||
| I'd say you could probably get them anyway if you bulked up. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Anyway, supplements. | ||
| Go to onnit.com, use the codename BROGAN, and you will save 10% off any and all the supplements. | ||
| The kettlebells and the battle ropes, that shit does not work on. | ||
| We sell them as cheap as we can, and they're You know, especially with the kettlebells, it's very difficult. | ||
| It's like you're sending cannonballs through the mail. | ||
| But they're as durable as fuck, and they'll be here forever. | ||
| All right, that's it. | ||
| Mike Birbiglia is here. | ||
| Birbiglia. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| Mike Birbiglia is in the fucking house. | ||
| Sorry, these commercials are brutal. | ||
| It's interesting to me, though. | ||
| It's something that I've never investigated. | ||
| I've always just kept at arm's distance the nutrients and the vitamins and things like that. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I'm not going to go near it. | ||
| But you, and I've listened and watched this podcast, you seem to know a good bit about it. | ||
| Well, I know from my personal experience, it makes a big difference for me what I eat. | ||
| If I really concentrate on the most important thing, I think, is nutrients from food. | ||
| That's the most important thing. | ||
| You've got to eat healthy food. | ||
| And then supplementation on top of that, but you have to have the actual nutrients. | ||
| So what do you eat for lunch today? | ||
| This morning I had a hemp protein shake. | ||
| I only ate once. | ||
| I just had a hemp protein shake with banana coconut oil and I had two cigarettes and coconut water. | ||
| Yeah, no, I don't eat I don't eat heavy in the mornings. | ||
| I eat really light in the morning. | ||
| I usually just have a shake or have a kale shake. | ||
| That's my most common thing that I have. | ||
| I'm just if I'm lazy or if I'm running out the door I don't have time to make it. | ||
| I But it takes a few minutes to make. | ||
| I have to clean the kale and clean celery and clean cucumbers. | ||
| And then I take chunks of ginger and raw garlic. | ||
| And there's a thing called a... | ||
| What is the name of the blender? | ||
| It's a badass blender, but it's specifically designed for this purpose. | ||
| It's got a plunger, and you shove everything in there. | ||
| Vitamix. | ||
| Vitamix, yes. | ||
| That is it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It fucking whips it down to a drinkable consistency. | ||
| You put pineapple in it to make it taste good. | ||
| It's fucking great, man. | ||
| It doesn't taste that good, but for your body, it's great. | ||
| It gives you this charge of good stuff. | ||
| It's like your body knows it's got all these nutrients to work with. | ||
| But isn't there an inherent contradiction with... | ||
| Because I know that you do the Ultimate Fighting stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Yeah, it's called the Ultimate Fighting Championship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that seems to be people murdering people. | |
| Like other people slamming on you and making it so that your health is no longer a possibility. | ||
| You can look at it that way, and that is certainly part of it, but what it also is is competition in the highest and most dramatic form that a human being can see other than war. | ||
| Right, the way the Olympics is. | ||
| I mean, it's not the healthiest thing to be an Olympic gymnast. | ||
| Yeah, maybe, but this is even worse because this is another person dominating you. | ||
| You know, the idea of losing in gymnastics is, you know, I'm sure a cruel bitch after years and years of practice and you slip when you land. | ||
| But it's nothing like getting your ass kicked. | ||
| There's nothing like getting just the fuck beat out of you in front of the world. | ||
| And there's the emotions that are involved in the show of control. | ||
| The place to look is to look at the very, very best guys. | ||
| If you look at the guys like Anderson Silva, he's this insanely good fighter. | ||
| Insanely good, but such a nice guy. | ||
| Like a sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| Always laughing and always joking. | ||
| He's just controlled all of his demons and all of his bullshit with the most intense form of competition physically available. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| There's a lot going on that people don't see. | ||
| They see people just kicking people's asses. | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| There's a whole... | ||
| Sigh to the cure. | ||
| We are. | ||
| I'm not even kidding. | ||
| I swear when I say I'm from Shrewsbury, people say you're from where Spags is. | ||
| I think there was a gig there. | ||
| I think that's why I'm remembering it. | ||
| I think it was one of those Boston comedy gigs. | ||
| Did you ever work for Boston comedy? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Well, there was an Aku Aku in Worcester. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I grew up driving by the Aku Aku where it would say comedy night. | ||
| Yeah, was that a Knicks comedy stop? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it still in Nick's Comedy style? | ||
| I don't know, actually. | ||
| And then there's Giggles out there in Saugus. | ||
| That's Mike Clark's. | ||
| I never did that. | ||
| I like Mike Clark. | ||
| It's got a great pizza place. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Pizza's great. | ||
| It's right next door. | ||
| Massachusetts pizza's very underrated. | ||
| Very underrated. | ||
| It's Greek pizza. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Giggles was a great gig. | ||
| Mike Clark is Lenny Clark's brother. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Fucking great guy. | ||
| Nice guy, yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's the best. | ||
| But we had... | ||
| In my town, Shrewsbury, a very small town, we had... | ||
| I had four pizzerias within a half mile. | ||
| Shoesbury Pizzeria, Village Pizzeria, Dean Park, and White City. | ||
| I thought that Massachusetts pizza was really good until I moved back to New York. | ||
| And then I realized there's a few places like in Yonkers. | ||
| There's a place in White Plains called Nicky's, Nicky's Pizzeria. | ||
| They have a white pizza that is so fucking good. | ||
| It's like, how come they can't make this anywhere else? | ||
| Why is this not in California? | ||
| In my movie Sleepwalk With Me, there's a pizza pillow. | ||
| There's a pillow made of pizza as a prop, and it was done by Roberta's, which is in Brooklyn and is fantastic. | ||
| Check out Roberta's if you can. | ||
| Yeah, there's some legit old-school New York pizzerias that just can't be fucked with. | ||
| They're artisans. | ||
| Arturo's on Houston's like that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah. | |
| There's a lot of them, man. | ||
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| John's is like that. | ||
| I just remember a place in Yonkers. | ||
| I don't even remember the name of it, but my friend used to know. | ||
| It was like his buddy's dad ran it for 100 years. | ||
| It just was ridiculously good, thin crust pizza. | ||
| This is just some weird place. | ||
| You look on the outside. | ||
| If everybody knew about this, it'd be a fucking mile-long line. | ||
| You go to that Pink's Hot Dog's. | ||
| Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever seen? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Because they cook the hot dogs at night, or outside rather, just this giant line of people who are basically waiting to get a very mediocre hot dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this pizza is just... | ||
| I love that phrase. | ||
| If everybody knew about this... | ||
|
unidentified
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That's like the thing that they say in advertising rooms. | |
| Like, if we could just get everyone to know about this... | ||
| There's some shit like that that just sneaks through. | ||
| Like, we all know comics like that. | ||
| That have just snuck through. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah. | |
| If everybody knew... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, who would be yours? | ||
| Do you know Brian Holtzman? | ||
| No. | ||
| Brian Holtzman, for sure. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| - Brian Holtzman. - Brian Holtzman has made me laugh harder saying inappropriate, ridiculously inappropriate shit than anyone. - Well that's how I feel. | ||
| I mean, I'm talking about someone. - Brody's starting to get a little famous though. | ||
| A lot of people know Brody now. | ||
| I'm talking about someone pretty famous. | ||
| But I feel like Stanhope is like that to an extent. | ||
| It's like, yeah, he's very famous. | ||
| He has a big following. | ||
| But if people saw live his 90 minutes he puts on, people would be like, oh, that's the best comedian alive. | ||
| He's doing what I love to watch as a comedian. | ||
| As a comedian, he's like... | ||
| He and I had a conversation about it, too. | ||
| One of the things, as you get older, you really appreciate guys that are still doing real fucking comedy. | ||
| They're still saying what they really think. | ||
| Because somewhere along the line, I mean, we're not naming names. | ||
| Norton's another one of those, by the way. | ||
| He's another one, for sure. | ||
| He's the one who told me to come here. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| By the way, we were at the Comedy Cell, and we were talking about podcasts. | ||
| And he goes, have you ever listened to Rogan's podcast? | ||
| And I go, no. | ||
| He goes, it's incredible. | ||
| You've got to go on. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| And so then I started listening to it, and then I just dropped you a note. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| I love Norton. | ||
| Norton and I went to see Dice in Vegas. | ||
| We went and sat in the audience. | ||
| Norton and I and Bobby Kelly and Brian and Anthony Cumia and Sam Roberts, we all went there and drove a big fucking limo together. | ||
| We all had dinner. | ||
| It was like a gentleman's night. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| We ate at a steakhouse and then we all went to a show. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Yeah, I did that. | ||
| I'm going to counter that with a much dorkier version. | ||
| I love that, which is my wife and I and Ira Glass, who co-wrote my film, and his wife, the four of us went to see Stan Hope at Caroline's. | ||
| It was the last comedy show. | ||
| Because Ira had never seen Stan Hope, and I was like, you gotta see this guy. | ||
| There's nothing like him. | ||
| Yeah, I loved Doug. | ||
| And then, of course, Doug, when he finds out Ira's there, makes fun of Ira, makes fun of public radio for like 15 minutes. | ||
| And Ira's like, how did this become about me? | ||
| I just want to go see a show. | ||
| Listen, man, if you're on national public radio, it becomes about you if you're in your room. | ||
| If you're in the room, that is a silly topic. | ||
| You're not allowed to have any emotions. | ||
| Everything has to be talking about it like this. | ||
| Completely unreasonable. | ||
| But Irish show is incredible. | ||
| It's very different. | ||
| Is it different? | ||
| This American Life? | ||
| Have you ever listened to it? | ||
| No, never. | ||
| Oh, you'd love it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| This American Life is incredible. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| I've never had to sell it to anybody before because people listen to it so much. | ||
| I've seen it in the ratings. | ||
| It's a radio... | ||
| It's a weekly radio documentary. | ||
| Imagine your favorite film documentary and take that to radio. | ||
| And it's incredible what they do. | ||
| It's like a fucking miracle. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's a fucking miracle. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You personally would love it. | ||
| Dude, I'm on it. | ||
| I'm on it. | ||
| I'll get on it today. | ||
| Onit.com. | ||
| You should go on their... | ||
| Yeah, onit.com. | ||
| You go on their website and look at, like, they have a list of, like, these are the legendary episodes, the gateway drug. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| The gateway drug of this American life, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's a good idea, to have, like, the episodes that they feel best represent them. | ||
| You guys should have that. | ||
| I should totally have that. | ||
| I'm lazy. | ||
| I'm lazy, dude. | ||
| Where are you on that? | ||
| Where are you guys on that? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| We're not anywhere on that. | ||
| We just put them up there. | ||
| But there's a lot of websites that sort them out. | ||
| We can only do so much, man. | ||
| Yeah, you can only do so much. | ||
| And we're doing, like, three and four of these a week sometimes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, lately it's been four. | ||
| We're doing three together, and I did one yesterday with Brian Callen, just me and Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, cool. | |
| Brian's another one, by the way. | ||
| Comedian you might not know, but it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, he came over to my house last night, and we had a little family barbecue. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| He's just such a silly boy. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| He's so fucking silly. | ||
| He's such a fun dude. | ||
| And Norton... | ||
| I love that phrase. | ||
| If people knew about this... | ||
| Norton is a guy, even though everybody knows him from the O.P. and Anthony show. | ||
| There's not enough people to know how funny he is as a stand-up. | ||
| I saw him in Austin. | ||
| I was in town doing a UFC and I got a chance to just sit down and watch a gig. | ||
| It's really fun to do. | ||
| Especially if it's a guy like Norton. | ||
| He made me change my act a little bit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I realized I was doing two long sets. | ||
| I wanted to do these really long sets because I didn't want anybody to feel like they didn't get their money to wear. | ||
| I feel that way too. | ||
| I have that same thing. | ||
| But Norton did like an hour and just fucking laid it down. | ||
| He just owned it for an hour. | ||
| And I was like, you know what, man? | ||
| Maybe that's a better thing. | ||
| So I cut my sets down from like an hour and a half plus to like an hour and ten minutes. | ||
| Because I feel like nobody should talk for more than an hour and ten minutes, man. | ||
| When I started working the door... | ||
| I started out working the door at the DC Improv, and... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's a stupid clock. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a fucking cat clock. | ||
| No, that's not a distraction, dude. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| No, but I started out working the door at the DC Improv, and it was really like comedy college, because I was opening for like... | ||
| You know, every week, it'd be like, Jake Johansson, Brian Regan, you know... | ||
| Mitch Hedberg, Dave Attell, and Pablo Francisco. | ||
| That's a lesson in comedy. | ||
| You watch him. | ||
| He's another, if people knew about it, what a live Pablo Francisco show is like. | ||
| He does, back then at least, the week I opened for him, did 45 minutes, blew the doors off the room in a way that I've never seen. | ||
| I've never seen anything like that. | ||
| Pablo doesn't just do a comedy show. | ||
| It's like a multimedia presentation. | ||
| Because he can make so many crazy noises with his mouth, and he has so many nutty impressions of people. | ||
| It's like a multimedia presentation sometimes. | ||
| He's somebody who, if you... | ||
| If he really opened up and did some personal stuff combined with the talent that he has with the noises and the sounds and everything... | ||
| Yeah, but I don't think he can. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, wow. | |
| Would that be a good show? | ||
| Yeah, it would be a very good show. | ||
| That'd be something else. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy, too. | ||
| Really nice guy. | ||
| That's one of the coolest things about comedy is that a lot of people assume that every comic is fucked up and that... | ||
| You know, so many of them are anti-social and depressed. | ||
| I don't find that to be the case. | ||
| I find it to be the case that there's a lot of funny guys like Stan Hope. | ||
| They're fun to be around. | ||
| They're nice guys. | ||
| I love what Stan Hope said when there was that whole comedy school debate happening. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| With Kyle Cease and everything. | ||
| And Stan Hope said he was going to have a free one in Bisbee. | ||
|
unidentified
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Where he lives. | |
| I just love that. | ||
| It's just like everybody should show up. | ||
| Just bring some drinks. | ||
| Like Stan Hoek's whole thing is just like you learn about comedy like offering the comedian your opening for drinks after the show. | ||
| Just asking questions. | ||
| That is a better way to learn. | ||
| I think that's how I learned. | ||
| I have a real problem with comedy classes that are taught by people who are non-comedians. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| And I'm like, that's just craziness. | ||
| That doesn't even make sense. | ||
| It's like English speaking taught by people who don't speak English. | ||
| If you haven't actually done stand-up, and you have to do it for years, you have to get your dick kicked into the dirt. | ||
| Numerous occasions. | ||
| Don't you think that made you, as a comedian, those really tough sets in the beginning, where you kind of realize what you've got to do to fix? | ||
| That's what my entire movie is about. | ||
| It's about just failure and failure and failure and then finding, at the end of the movie, the character has just kind of, you see one sequence of, oh, this guy's going to figure it out eventually. | ||
| I think we all start off terrible. | ||
| I've never met anybody that started off good. | ||
| No. | ||
| For me, I always tell people, comedians, people who want to be comedians, get a job at a comedy club. | ||
| I worked at the DC Improv at the door, and then after I punched out from making minimum wage, I got to watch the show for free. | ||
| And that's what you need. | ||
| You just need to see comedians over and over and over again and eventually go, okay, I can do something like that. | ||
| It's a weird thing when you start to realize that it's a craft, but that yours seems like it's kind of similar to other people's, but it's not. | ||
| It's your weird take on shit, and you've got to find out what the fuck that is. | ||
| You've got to find the silly, find the preposterous. | ||
| Yeah, it takes so long, man. | ||
| And you get conflicted, and you don't know if you're being full of shit. | ||
| Is this an affected attitude that I'm putting on? | ||
| Is it obvious? | ||
| Yeah, when I was starting out, I was totally putting on an affix. | ||
| Ugh, I hate that. | ||
| It's so embarrassing. | ||
| It is embarrassing. | ||
| When you look back on those sets... | ||
| Well, no, because I was... | ||
| And everybody does, though. | ||
| I mean, I even... | ||
| Like, Geraldo is one of my favorite comedians of all time and was a friend of mine, and, like... | ||
| He even said like he's like when I started out like my first TV sets I sounded like Dave Attell I was on TV sounding like somebody else before I figured out who I was and then he I mean I think Gerald is one of the great comics but like for me it was just I sounded like I sound like Stephen Wright when I started out yeah then I sounded like Mitch Hedberg and then eventually I sounded like myself Yeah, it's hard to avoid, man. | ||
| It's hard to avoid being really influenced by the guys that came before you that were really good. | ||
| I caught myself sounding like Rich Jenny on stage once. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just almost exactly. | ||
| It was such an obvious rip-off. | ||
| I was in the middle of the set. | ||
| I kept going with the bit, and I finished my set. | ||
| The audience didn't even know. | ||
| To myself, I was like, ew, you fraud. | ||
| I was like, you fucking Rich Jenny clone. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I was like, like a year in or something like that. | ||
| But I'll never forget how embarrassing it was. | ||
| If I was in the room and I saw me on stage, I'd be like, who? | ||
| Who's this guy ripping off Rich Jenny? | ||
| Because you know when guys will do that, you're not even ripping off material. | ||
| You're just ripping off being that guy. | ||
| People say that... | ||
| I had that with Stephen Wright, Mitch Hedberg, and then inadvertently Todd Berry. | ||
| People were like, you sound like Todd Berry. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not even watching... | ||
| I mean, I like Todd Berry a lot. | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| But it wasn't like I was watching a ton of Todd Berry at that time. | ||
| Well, I think you just have a similar tone to your voice. | ||
| And it's only mildly similar. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| But people are crazy. | ||
| They'll find connections in fucking anything. | ||
| I got off stage once in Kentucky and some guy came up to me with a list of people. | ||
| It's like, he said, you know, Patton Oswalt, this, and I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| He goes, you sounded like these people. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And I was like, listen, man, I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| Did you have a good time? | ||
| Did you have fun? | ||
| I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| You're looking at, what are you saying? | ||
| Are you saying that I'm not me and that I'm all these people? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I like that response. | ||
| There was a bunch of them, too. | ||
| Hey, did you have a good time? | ||
| Yeah, that's all I could say to him. | ||
| I'm like, listen, I hope you had a good time at the comedy show. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| You're not going to sit here and you're going to analyze who my influences were. | ||
| And you're angry at me for being influenced by great comedians. | ||
| But I don't even think that's what it was. | ||
| I think it was like, you know, people will try to find a connection in anything. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know when... | ||
| I listened to my recording after the guy said that to me because I was like, what the fuck is this guy? | ||
| There was a couple of obscure ones in there, too. | ||
| I don't remember who his references were. | ||
| But it was like... | ||
| Richard Lewis was one of them. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck are you even saying? | ||
| And I went and listened to it and I didn't hear any of it. | ||
| Somebody will... | ||
| If they're looking... | ||
| And then there's people that just are crazy... | ||
| And their perceptions are just off, and they'll get a thought in their head, and they don't have the ability to discern whether or not it's an objective thought, whether or not it's a reasonable thought. | ||
| They just got that thought, and they fucking run with it. | ||
| And with you, they're like Todd Barry. | ||
| Sounds like Todd Barry. | ||
| Well, it's funny, because the person I listen to the most... | ||
| It was Woody Allen. | ||
| But no one ever accuses me of sounding like Woody Allen because I'm like a suburban white kid grown up and he's this short Jewish man from New York City. | ||
| We just don't look like each other in any way, shape or form. | ||
| I think people don't make that connection. | ||
| So do you feel like you were influencing him delivery wise? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People don't realize what a great comic he was. | ||
| He's incredible. | ||
| That one album which is a compilation of I think three records. | ||
| Woody Allen's stand-up comedian, I think it's called. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's so good. | ||
| What a weird guy, huh? | ||
| I mean, married his daughter in front of the world. | ||
| I mean, that is intensely weird. | ||
| That is hard to defend. | ||
| That is intense, intensely, intensely weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And super hot, also. | |
| Is she super hot? | ||
| No, I said, and it's kind of super hot also. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I don't see it. | ||
| I can't get behind the super hot injection. | ||
| It's just crazy creepy, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, how did they ever even develop that kind of a relationship? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It seems to me like that should never be able to happen. | ||
| It shouldn't be on the table. | ||
| Yeah, like what? | ||
| It's not one of the options. | ||
| And I wonder what the blowback was for him. | ||
| For Woody Allen, this great director. | ||
| You mean in his career? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a big blowback. | ||
| There are people, because I'm such a big fan of his, there are people who I talk to to this day who go, once that happened, I will not see his movies again. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that. | ||
| There's a lot of people. | ||
| I've heard that from, especially from women. | ||
| From women particularly, yeah. | ||
| Well, they, you know, it's almost like you can't trust him around your kids. | ||
| Like, that's the feeling that they get. | ||
| It's like he'll... | ||
| But he's not at the movie theater with you when you see the movies, so you don't have to be worried about your kids. | ||
| Yeah, but there's people that just won't support you. | ||
| What's the guy's name that escaped to France? | ||
| Oh, yeah, Roman Polanski, one of my favorite directors. | ||
| And he was convicted of that horrible crime. | ||
| Yeah, what did he do? | ||
| But he wasn't convicted because he fled, right? | ||
| It was a weird thing. | ||
| He drugged a teenage girl and had sex with her or something like that. | ||
| But then there's this whole documentary about that case, I think it's called Wanted, and it shows the shades of grey in that case. | ||
| That case was really complex and there was a judge who was really high and mighty and kind of got carried away about his or her own ego and how The judge, him or herself, I forget what it was, was making headlines by saying certain things in the court, and then it became like a spectacular event where he might have gotten like a year in jail or something, but then it got kind of blown out of proportion and it was going to be a much bigger deal. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a really good movie actually. | ||
| I think it was on HBO. I think it's called Wanted. | ||
| Wanted. | ||
| It's like Roman Polanski Wanted or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, this case is really disturbing, man. | ||
| And then this is after his wife had been murdered by the Manson family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I know. | |
| So you've got to realize, like, this guy was... | ||
| There's a lot going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, what he did was horrific, for sure, though. | ||
| But his... | ||
| I mean, what a fucked up state of mind he had to have been in after his wife was murdered by the Manson family while she was pregnant. | ||
| I have to say, some weird shit happens in California. | ||
| Can we just talk about that? | ||
| I feel like the Polanski stuff, when I watch it, it feels so distant from my existence in New York. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, that's some California shit that I can't understand. | ||
| Do you like living in New York? | ||
| I love it, yeah. | ||
| Do you live in the city? | ||
| My wife and I lived in the city for a while, and then we just moved to Brooklyn recently. | ||
| Why'd you move to Brooklyn? | ||
| Get some space. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You know, just like, we were sick of living in this little cramped area. | ||
| Oh, so you have a bigger place? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We have, like, yeah, we have a few bedrooms, and we're able to... | ||
| And also just walk around and have some trees around. | ||
| We lived on the Upper West Side in Manhattan, and it was getting to a point where our favorite local restaurants were closing down. | ||
| H&H Bagels closed down. | ||
| Niko's, a Greek restaurant, closed down. | ||
| A lot of places were closing down to the point where they closed down. | ||
| This is a bad sign of when times are bad. | ||
| We thought it was sad when they closed down Barnes& Noble. | ||
| We were like, oh, that's too bad. | ||
| Our local bookstore got shut down. | ||
| I felt like we had Circuit City. | ||
| We lost to Circuit City, too. | ||
| It's super common, man. | ||
| Think about in our lifetime. | ||
| When has there ever been a period of time where more businesses closed down than today? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Not in my lifetime. | ||
| I don't remember anything like this before. | ||
| But Brooklyn, on the other hand, is really burgeoning. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Small restaurants, small bakeries, small ice cream shops are able to open there because the real estate isn't that expensive to rent. | ||
| Commercial real estate isn't as expensive. | ||
| So you're getting better food, better... | ||
| Just baked goods, ice cream, grocery stores, local grocery stores with local produce. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to sell it too hard, but I think it's better. | ||
| We're happier there. | ||
| It seems like a little bit of a compromise, a little bit better compromise. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You're in not a suburban area, but it's a little sub-city. | ||
| And it's slower, to be honest with you. | ||
| The people are a little slower. | ||
| You're at the ice cream store, and you're like, huh. | ||
| Come on, what are we doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on? | |
| You're just walking over there? | ||
| A little brisk step. | ||
| Bring a little pep to it. | ||
| Is it jazz music? | ||
| People are so used to fucking being so crazy in New York. | ||
| That hive is so nuts. | ||
| It mimics insects. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| When you get them all together in this big thing that they've created. | ||
| And they're all swarming in this giant population center. | ||
| I mean, it's really not that much different than a beehive or an anthill. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| So many people there. | ||
| My wife and I went, and this was even more the case, my wife and I rented a house in western Massachusetts this summer for a month so that we could just write and relax and get away from... | ||
| Like out Amherst way? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, exactly. | ||
| North of Northampton. | ||
| Beautiful out there. | ||
| Gorgeous, but... | ||
| So slow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Everything is like, you go in somewhere, you order a cup of coffee, you're like, we're going to be here for a little bit. | ||
| Like, even though there's no lie. | ||
| It's the country. | ||
| It's really nice though. | ||
| We, um, but it was funny because my wife has been saying since we, we've been together probably about eight years, got married four years ago, and, uh, Since we met, she was like, I think that I belong in the country. | ||
| I think that we should move to the country. | ||
| And I was always like, I can't. | ||
| Like, I gotta work. | ||
| This is where I work in the city because there's comedy clubs and this is where my one-man shows are. | ||
| And we finally took a month after being together for eight years and went to the country. | ||
| And we brought our cat, Ivan. | ||
| And... | ||
| Who had never been anywhere but our apartment. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| So he was shocked. | ||
| And there were mice in the house. | ||
| And they were... | ||
| This is a really strange phenomenon. | ||
| They were parasitic mice. | ||
| They had parasites in them, which means they're unafraid of people or cats. | ||
| Oh, that means they have toxoplasma. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly what they have. | ||
| And so usually if you have a cat, you don't even see mice because they smell cats and they don't even come out. | ||
| In this case, we had mice. | ||
| They were like zombies. | ||
| They were walking towards us. | ||
| We were batting them away like a fucking video game. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that sick? | ||
| And those are the dangerous ones. | ||
| Those are the ones that can infect you. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Oh yeah, they have a massive impact on human behavior. | ||
| If they bite you, is that right? | ||
| Yeah, if it gets into your skin, either through cat fecal matter, if the cat's infected, you can get it from the cat. | ||
| You can get it from livestock that comes in contact with this shit. | ||
| So Ivan ate one of the mice. | ||
| Oh no, so you got an infected cat. | ||
| Instead of a month there, we were there for two weeks, drove home after he ate the mouse. | ||
| Then we took him to the vet and he took medicine to knock that stuff out. | ||
| I don't think they can stop that stuff. | ||
| It's a brain parasite. | ||
| I thought it is what it is. | ||
| I think whatever it was, it's checked out. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They gave him medicine. | ||
| You got a zombie cat. | ||
| I know you got a zombie cat, yeah. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| He's old, though. | ||
| He's 16 years old. | ||
| Time to go. | ||
| He's in his golden years. | ||
| Get him out of there before he infects the house. | ||
| Sounds crazy, but toxoplasma really is something that people have to have an issue with because it does have an effect on human behavior. | ||
| It makes people more aggressive. | ||
| It slows your reaction time down. | ||
| And a lot of the world has it. | ||
| Huge population. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In France, it's been as high in, I believe it was the 1950s or 1960s, it got as high as 80%. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 80% of the country had it. | ||
| And now it's down to the 50s. | ||
| This is all estimations, of course. | ||
| I mean, you're not like really testing the entire population. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They estimate that in America it's somewhere around 50 to 60 million people are infected by it in America. | ||
| For anyone getting their news from Joe Rogan's podcast. | ||
| Yeah, you're in trouble. | ||
| By the way, because I haven't backed up anything. | ||
| I've done no research. | ||
| I'm just telling you what I read. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the idea is that once you get it, you got it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a brain parasite. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It makes the mice sexually attracted to cat piss. | ||
| What a motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what a crazy... | ||
| That's mean. | ||
| ...fucking disease. | ||
| That's twisted. | ||
| Well, my wife was sitting on the couch in the house, and there was a mouse. | ||
| She looked next to her. | ||
| There was a mouse just sitting there, staring at her. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Usually, you see a mouse, and it just runs away immediately. | ||
| And in this case, it was just staring at her, and she just ran away. | ||
| And then I had to chase the mouse out of the house. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| There's something really creepy about rodents, man. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, have you ever heard the Rat Gang concept? | ||
| No. | ||
| I just heard about this recently. | ||
| There's apparently a book. | ||
| I have a comedian friend named John Hodgman, who's a very knowledgeable man. | ||
| And he's written a lot of very funny and great books. | ||
| And he's on The Daily Show. | ||
| He's a correspondent on The Daily Show sometimes. | ||
| But anyway, he was telling me there's this book, and I think it's called Rats. | ||
| It's all about the culture of rats, and there's this phenomenon theoretically called the Rat King, which is that certain rats are in such an enclosed space that after a while their tails are intertwined, so they're existing essentially as one large rat unit. | ||
| I don't know if I can substantiate this, but people should look up Rat King. | ||
| That sounds like some comic book shit, man. | ||
| Look up Rat King. | ||
| I need to look that up. | ||
| Rat King? | ||
| That doesn't seem like it. | ||
| It seems like something you would know about. | ||
| Was he just joking? | ||
| He wasn't joking. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, apparently there's this book called, I think, Rats, and it sheds a lot of light on folklore. | ||
| Yeah, I'm instantly looking at myself in this camera and just going, oh man, have I put on weight on the road. | ||
| It's so painful. | ||
| The road's brutal. | ||
| The road is brutal. | ||
| It's hard to... | ||
| What is this? | ||
| A rat king in the scientific museum. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So it is real, right? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Brian, pull this up on Wikipedia. | ||
| Because this is going to freak you the fuck out when you see this. | ||
| We lost Brian. | ||
| Oh, that son of a bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yo, Brian! | ||
| How dare he? | ||
| The loudness with which you shouted is so inappropriate to what you're going to tell him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, Ryan! | ||
| Get over here! | ||
| You need to see this. | ||
| You need a Wikipedia rat king. | ||
| You need to see this. | ||
| This is incredible, man. | ||
| This really is a real phenomenon. | ||
| I thought your friend was just fucking with you. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| We have a serious conversation about rats. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That seems horrific. | ||
| If you go to folks listening to this... | ||
| People probably tweet at you right now facts about the Rat King. | ||
| I bet some of your listeners and viewers know about the Rat King. | ||
| Hey, we need you to pull something up, man. | ||
| Something crazy. | ||
| It's called a Rat King. | ||
| So... | ||
| Mike Birbiglia said this to me, I did not, I thought he was just fucking around, I thought his friend was just fucking around, but apparently there are clumps of rats that get connected together by the tail, and they grow together while joined at the tails. | ||
| So, there's like a group of like, in this photo, there's a group of, it looks like 30 or 40 of them, just on top of each other, connected by the tails. | ||
| Rat King. | ||
| Just pull up Rat King on Wiki. | ||
| It's the photo that connects to it. | ||
| Can you imagine if you ran into that somewhere? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's the stuff of nightmares. | ||
| It's what one should fear most. | ||
| Rodents are fucking scary animals, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're so gross. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gross little fuckers. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| You got it? | ||
| Rat King. | ||
| The image at the top. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Click on that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Click on that. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| Is this live streaming, the video? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| All these rats intertwined together. | ||
| I came here today to blow Joe Rogan's mind, and I have to... | ||
| Oh, you blew it, man. | ||
| You blew it wide open, because I thought we were having fun. | ||
| I thought your friend was telling us some crazy... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once there was a Sasquatch, and he lived in the woods. | |
| He could read your mind. | ||
| No, a Rat King's a real thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, man. | |
| What's folklore mean, then? | ||
| Well, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's not true. | ||
| It means that it's probably been exaggerated and tossed down from... | ||
| Superstitions. | ||
| But this is... | ||
| So it's a rat Bigfoot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I mean, there was a bunch of shit, but it's obviously a real thing. | ||
| It's a real phenomenon. | ||
| This is in the scientific museum in Germany. | ||
| I mean, it really does happen. | ||
| But I think it's probably... | ||
| They probably just are tied up in knots. | ||
| They're probably not growing together through the tails. | ||
| I don't think their tails become one unit. | ||
| I think they're just gross, and they just get tangled up. | ||
| Ira Glass, who we mentioned earlier, you don't know his show, This American Life, but he was saying the other day that sometimes he's struck with We live in New York, you live here in LA, with the degree to which we are living like medieval lords. | ||
| Like we have our beck and call, any food, any type of food we want, prepared any way we want, About 25 minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| All in a giant human construct. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That doesn't resemble anything in nature. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some nutty thing that just goes up to the heavens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pops out of the ground. | ||
| Everything else is missing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Occasionally you'll see a tree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One tree. | |
| Defiantly looking for its friends. | ||
| That's why I loved the movie Minority Report when it came out. | ||
| You watch that movie now and you're like, yeah, about half of that stuff is true now. | ||
| It was futuristic, but it was futuristic in a way that you can just about see it coming. | ||
| You walk into the mall and they go, hello, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Would you like the Nike shoes that you bought last year? | ||
| Would you like another fresh pair? | ||
| That certainly is going to happen, right? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, they're going to be able to turn it on on your phone. | ||
| Well, and the internet already exists on Amazon. | ||
| You go on and they say, well, you might like this. | ||
| Yeah, I bought a t-shirt from Cafe Press, and I bought it through Amazon. | ||
| I went through Amazon. | ||
| It goes, do you want to go through Amazon? | ||
| I'm like, okay, see how that works. | ||
| Quick, go through Amazon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I love it. | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| We live in a weird world, man. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| We were talking about one-click shopping on Amazon, but it's the easiest way to buy anything, and when you start doing it, it becomes so goddamn addictive that Yeah. | ||
| Because it feels ridiculous. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It feels like you can get obscure billiard supplies. | ||
| You can. | ||
| Like, weird shit. | ||
| Like, I need a Joe Porper tip-tapper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can find that on Amazon. | ||
| Hardest to return, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have so much shit that I just won't return because it's like, oh, I have to go to the UPS. Yeah, you got to take the hit. | |
| No, but I saw the movie Day for Night recently, a Truffaut film, which is great. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Day for Night? | ||
| Did you get it from Amazon? | ||
| No, but it's about making a film. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I actually did. | ||
| I got it, I think, from Amazon. | ||
| And then at the end of it, I was like, I'd like to have the poster of this. | ||
| Click on it. | ||
| It's on the way. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| I get these obscure Mexican hot sauces, El Yucateca. | ||
| I can't find them in any white people grocery store. | ||
| You have to go to the Mexican hood to get El Yucateca. | ||
| Or you just go to Amazon.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| How do you resolve incidentally? | ||
| Because you're very knowledgeable about pizza. | ||
| How do you fit that into the diet? | ||
| Because you have such a good diet. | ||
| Just got to make sure you don't eat it all the time. | ||
| The most important thing is that your base, like you never want to deprive your body of nutrients. | ||
| But you can have cheat days, totally. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| I think cheat meals, cheat days, just as long as you're being reasonable, as long as like 80% of your food is really good food and healthy and every now and then you have a burger or something like that, you could do that. | ||
| You eat meat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've tried vegetarian before. | ||
| I tried it when I was trying to lose weight when I was a kid, when I was fighting in different weight classes, and I didn't like it. | ||
| I just felt shitty. | ||
| I didn't feel like I was very vibrant. | ||
| I haven't tried it again as an adult, but I know I crave meat. | ||
| I crave it. | ||
| After a good workout, I want a fucking steak. | ||
| I feel like my body wants red meat. | ||
| And people say, you know, that's unevolved and lustful killing. | ||
| Those cows are not going to live forever if you just let them walk around. | ||
| And if people aren't killing cows, something's going to kill cows. | ||
| Either cars, because you're going to hit them with your cars because they're going to be everywhere, or you're going to have mountain lions running around taking cows out in front of you every day. | ||
| That's a possibility too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's the inhumane aspect of keeping them in crates slightly larger than their body that I think frustrates people. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't had veal in a long time. | ||
| The veal was the first one I tapped out on. | ||
| I was just like, I can't do that. | ||
| That's just too creepy. | ||
| Taking a baby and not feeding it and tying it in a knot so it can't move. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No thanks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's so fucked up. | ||
| I'm just like, I got no time for that. | ||
| Just so it's more tender? | ||
| Really? | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| What's funny is, I'm looking at your image. | ||
| You're behind a computer, but I can see you here. | ||
| And you can see me. | ||
| What's funny is, if your body, and you have a really good physique, if you ended up having my body, you might go into a deep depression. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You would be really upset. | ||
| And if I had your body, my comedy career would go away. | ||
| Because all I do is just make fun of my own body and self. | ||
| But you can make fun of anything. | ||
| If you make fun of your own body, if you're self-deprecating, you can make fun of something else. | ||
| You actually defy, because you're great, I was listening to your albums this week, you defy the Joe Piscopo rule. | ||
| Which is that if you get too fit, you're no longer funny. | ||
| People are silly. | ||
| There's no rules to comedy. | ||
| We should know that by now. | ||
| I think Piscopo was the line in the sand where people are like, oh, okay, that's how it works. | ||
| No, with Piscopo, the problem was he just... | ||
| He had a few good things that he did on Saturday Night Live, a few good sketches, but overall there wasn't that much there. | ||
| He didn't put enough effort into it. | ||
| It's no different than any other comic, like Michael Richards that goes from being an actor to being a comic and just can't really pull it off. | ||
| There's not much difference. | ||
| It's a hard road. | ||
| No one has to tell you that. | ||
| To become a stand-up comic is a long, hard fucking road. | ||
| And there's not a lot of us who stay on it. | ||
| If you stop and think about the guys that you hung out with when you were an open-miker. | ||
| Totally different. | ||
| Yeah, and look at the guys that you know now. | ||
| How many of them made it? | ||
| Me and Fitzsimmons started out together. | ||
| Yeah, I can see that. | ||
| Literally weeks apart from each other. | ||
| So he's one of the only guys from my group of open-mikers that made it over the salmon net. | ||
| No one from my open mics is working. | ||
| No, I shouldn't say that. | ||
| No one from my open mics I still run into anymore. | ||
| Nick DiPaulo was always a really funny guy and he was always in really good shape. | ||
| He was a football player. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Nick is much more handsome than me. | ||
| With a fantastic head of hair. | ||
| I discovered this. | ||
| I went to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba on a USO tour with DiPaulo and Giraldo and Colin Quinn and a bunch of guys. | ||
| And Geraldo was in great shape, too. | ||
| And so was DePaulo. | ||
| Because we went on the beach. | ||
| We went swimming. | ||
| We pulled over because we couldn't get through one of the gates. | ||
| We were like, well, let's just go swimming in that beach right there. | ||
| And we all went swimming. | ||
| We still have photos of it. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, fuck. | ||
| It's really embarrassing for me. | ||
| These guys are in really good shape. | ||
| Yeah, DePaulo's always been in good shape. | ||
| He was one of the guys when I was an open-miker. | ||
| He was a bit more established than me. | ||
| He was ahead of me by at least maybe like two years. | ||
| He was an established professional. | ||
| Was Louie around at that time? | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| Louie was also about two years ahead of me. | ||
| Those guys, when I first started doing open mics, they were just doing professional gigs. | ||
| And I got to see DePaulo once on stage. | ||
| And I'm like, look at this handsome motherfucker, this football player-looking dude. | ||
| And he was hilarious! | ||
| And that was a nice thing for me to see as a young guy who was involved in athletics myself. | ||
| I was like, Okay, so there is no rule. | ||
| And then I remember when I first saw Kinison, that's when I realized there was no rules. | ||
| That's when I first realized, oh, anything can be comedy. | ||
| And it's just whether or not it's funny. | ||
| That's comedy too. | ||
| This is a different thing he's doing. | ||
| Like when Kinison was going, I live in hell! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, oh! | |
| Look at this face! | ||
| I was married! | ||
| That fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, remember when he... | |
| He was one of my earliest influences. | ||
| When he did that bit about getting married, the devil doesn't even try to scare you. | ||
| He's like, oh, you've been married? | ||
| This is going to be like fucking Club Med for you. | ||
| Come on in, this is where we torch his souls, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| You're married. | ||
| Hell, it'll be like Club Med! | ||
| He was the first to me that really cemented in my head that anything could be comedy. | ||
| I always loved comedy, but I was always way too loud and aggressive and stupid to connect myself to someone like Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| I would have to be a totally different person to be that kind of comedian. | ||
| I could never do that. | ||
| I don't think I can do that. | ||
| But then I saw Kenneth and I was like, oh, there's no rules. | ||
| You don't have to be Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| You just have to be whatever is funny from you. | ||
| Whatever comes out of you. | ||
| This podcast must be great for you because when you tour now, it's probably your audiences who get your sense of humor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As opposed to Fear Factor fans who are like, let's see him do the bugs in the mouth. | ||
| Yeah, the Fear Factor is hard. | ||
| Because I heard that bit on your album where you're like, That's just a show I hosted. | ||
| That's not me. | ||
| That wasn't my idea. | ||
| But to a lot of people, though, it's such a big thing because it's on television that it has to define you from there on. | ||
| It has to be your thing. | ||
| But I was always like, why? | ||
| It's my gig. | ||
| But that's what's crazy about the technology of these podcasts right now is that you can actually say, no, no, I'm this. | ||
| I'm going to tell you what I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's this. | |
| You get an opportunity to express yourself in a way deeper way than would ever be possible in a million Tonight Show appearances. | ||
| You'd never be able to get that across. | ||
| That was always my goal starting out. | ||
| Because I would do these hell gigs like I do in the movie. | ||
| I drove my mom's station wagon all over the country. | ||
| Incidentally, I only find out at this age now that people's parents gave them their car or bought them a car. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I bought my mom's stage wanger for $2,200. | ||
| It had 100,000 miles on it. | ||
| She marked it up. | ||
| My mom marked up her stage wanger. | ||
| I drove it around the country. | ||
| I would perform at these gigs. | ||
| Just so people have a point of reference, when I was starting out, whenever you're in the middle of nowhere, you're in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, and you drive by a Best Western, and it says, Comedy Night Wednesday, that was my life. | ||
| I was Comedy Night Wednesday. | ||
| I did a lot of those too. | ||
| A lot of those Barry Katz gigs. | ||
| Yeah, and so my goal when I was in that stage, because I wouldn't do well. | ||
| You know, the audiences wouldn't like me. | ||
| They came to see something different than what I was. | ||
| I wasn't also that good. | ||
| So it was like, it was the combination of what I would become was like a soft-spoken kind of storyteller, and then what they wanted was like fast jokes. | ||
| Lenny Clark. | ||
| Yeah, they wanted Lenny Clark, yeah, who's a great comic, but he could kill anywhere. | ||
| And so what I was like, I want people eventually to come to see my shows on purpose. | ||
| And that's why I started keeping a mailing list. | ||
| And you also got very successful with your blogs. | ||
| I remember you were the first guy. | ||
| We were somewhere. | ||
| I can't remember what city it was, but you were in a big place. | ||
| You were in like this big theater. | ||
| And I go, damn, I go, Mike Merbiglia is playing here? | ||
| I go, how the fuck is he doing that? | ||
| And then I forget who I was with. | ||
| It was either Joey Diaz or Ari Shafir. | ||
| One of those guys was like, he's got this blog that's really, really popular. | ||
| Got this blog. | ||
| And I was like, damn, man, that's a big impact. | ||
| This was years ago. | ||
| It was before we ever even did the podcast. | ||
| And I remember thinking, that's a lot of impact from connecting with people on the internet. | ||
| Well, part of it was I wrote my blog. | ||
| It was called My Secret Public Journal, and I still do it. | ||
| And then the Bob and Tom Show out of Indianapolis, and they're syndicated, was like, just read your secret public journal on our show. | ||
| So I would call in every week. | ||
| And it was actually very similar to like Cable Guy. | ||
| Cable Guy used to do stuff like that on radio. | ||
| Do you know that Cable Guy used to do call-ins every week? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So like all over the place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would be doing like 20, 25 phoners a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| He's a really hard worker. | ||
| I don't know what he does now, but back then he was a really hard worker. | ||
| I met him a long time ago in Montreal when he was just starting out. | ||
| Nobody knew about him. | ||
| It was like the early 90s and he was a nice fucking guy. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
| Had a great time with him. | ||
| I hung out with him one night. | ||
| And we partied at the Comedy Works in Montreal. | ||
| Got hammered together. | ||
| He's a great dude, man. | ||
| Yeah, I like him. | ||
| We had some fun. | ||
| And he's got some great potato chips. | ||
| He sent us, he listens to the podcast. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| So he sent over his potato chips. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Cheeseburger potato chips. | ||
| You can taste the pickles, you can taste the meat. | ||
| Of course he has cheeseburger potato chips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is probably the worst thing on earth for you. | |
| I don't know how the fuck they're giving you all these different flavors, but it's like a joke. | ||
| You eat a chip and you're like, I taste the burger, there's the ketchup, there's the pickle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| It's so funny. | ||
| Last night at my hotel, because I had eaten dinner at that in-between stage, like 6 p.m., and then it's midnight. | ||
| You're going, ah, I've got to eat something. | ||
| So I went to the mini bar, and I had Pirate's Booty. | ||
| That shit. | ||
| I had Pirate's Booty, and the flavor was aged cheddar. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck is aged cheddar in this manufactured chip that's from some factory somewhere? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that really aged cheddar in there? | |
| What chemical creates the taste of aged cheddar? | ||
| It's like strawberry gum. | ||
| It doesn't taste anything like strawberries. | ||
| It's just what we agree to strawberry gum. | ||
| Like grape gum? | ||
| Grape gum doesn't taste like fucking grapes. | ||
| The last thing that should taste like is grape. | ||
| It tastes like grape gum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it's not purple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like grape soda. | ||
| It doesn't taste anything like grapes. | ||
| We get it in our head that that's the grape flavor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, does grape soda even have grapes in it? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Right? | ||
| It's just some fucking sugar water. | ||
| But we, you know, there's a fake grape taste that we accept. | ||
| And it's like the gum taste, that grape gum taste. | ||
| It's fake. | ||
| It's a fake grape. | ||
| We just go, yeah, yeah, it's grape. | ||
| That doesn't mean anything like grape. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| You know, that's like if I gave you a cheeseburger and it tasted like feet, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look what's on Amazon, though. | |
| Larry the Capel Guy. | ||
| Cheeseburger potato chips. | ||
| They're 20 bucks. | ||
| Pack of three. | ||
| Pack of three. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Cheeseburger potato chips. | ||
| And that's another guy, by the way, doesn't need the money, so he clearly believes in cheeseburger potato chips. | ||
| Look, they were very tasty, but I was feeling like with each chip, I was rolling the crazy dice. | ||
| I was like, what's in this shit? | ||
| Who knows what kind of... | ||
| This is going to grow breasts on you. | ||
| You know what it's like? | ||
| It's like Willy Wonka. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| It really is! | ||
| When they take the thing and say, what does it taste like? | ||
| Oh, it tastes like whatever the thing was. | ||
| That's exactly what it's like. | ||
| Dude, I didn't even think of that. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| That's exactly what it's like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it? | |
| Do you guys remember? | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| It's like, does it taste like this? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, it does. | ||
| I don't remember, but I do remember. | ||
| It was like a piece of gum that basically tasted like a food experience. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, they're getting... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanksgiving dinner. | |
| They're closing in on that. | ||
| They're closing in on that. | ||
| It's like ghostly. | ||
| It's ghostly. | ||
| It's not distinct. | ||
| It's not like habanero pepper distinct flavor. | ||
| It's ghostly. | ||
| Like, oh, there's the... | ||
| Yeah, it's like mustard in that fucking thing. | ||
| But it's really good. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| But you're rolling the health dice. | ||
| You know what would be good with those potato chips? | ||
| Like some kind of cheese, meaty cheese dip. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ, son. | ||
| You're getting my dick hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The queso, meaty queso. | |
| When you talk to Europeans, though, they say that what's killing us is the preservatives. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because Europeans are not very overweight and they eat cheese and wine and all this. | ||
| Well, they also have unpasteurized cheese. | ||
| They have a lot of unpasteurized cheese in Europe. | ||
| You can't even get it over here. | ||
| It's like I had a friend from France and he used to have to smuggle it in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He used to smuggle in unpasteurized cheese from France. | ||
| Yeah, it's so crazy. | ||
| And by the way, there's a reason why your body has a lactose intolerance. | ||
| It's because you're drinking milk that's been boiled down and is dead. | ||
| There's no enzymes in it. | ||
| All the stuff that makes your body naturally digest it, it doesn't exist. | ||
| So the idea is that we have to protect people from bad milk. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what's a better idea? | ||
| Fresh milk. | ||
| We've got to figure out how to not have milk sitting in a supermarket for three months. | ||
| We've got to have people closer to their animals. | ||
| We had the, growing up, we had the, I don't know if you remember this in Massachusetts, the Lundgren and Jonaitis milk store. | ||
| It was milk in glass bottles and they would deliver it to your house. | ||
| Foil tops. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They peeled them off. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Amazing milk. | ||
| I don't think that place exists anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if that was pasteurized or homogenized, but they used to have it at Whole Foods, but now you've got to go to those little specialty markets in California. | ||
| Oh, are they? | ||
| Do they have it at Whole Foods? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| No, not anymore. | ||
| Whole Foods is like, they're so big that there's certain shit they don't take a risk with. | ||
| Like, there's a kombucha that is more than one half of one percent alcohol, and because of that, they won't carry it. | ||
| They don't carry it, yeah. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| It's not like a level that can get you drunk. | ||
| But it is, you know, it ferments. | ||
| And it's really fucking good for you. | ||
| And the one that ferments the most is really the best for you. | ||
| And they don't carry it because it gets a little risky with the alcohol. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Very risky. | ||
| So that's why they don't have that. | ||
| They don't have raw milk there anymore. | ||
| It's like it's too risky. | ||
| But I don't know if that's a corporate decision or what, but it's unfortunate because raw milk, man, doesn't give you any weird stomach shit. | ||
| It tastes way better. | ||
| Once you get used to the fact what you're drinking, it's rich and creamy. | ||
| It's really fucking good. | ||
| I was flying to California recently, and I was on a plane, and I was... | ||
| I had one of those mornings where you show up at the airport and you're so hungry that you just grab anything. | ||
| I was at Chibo or whatever that place is called at JFK. You're just like, I'll have any just in case. | ||
| I need something. | ||
| I'll have a banana. | ||
| I'll have a sandwich. | ||
| I'll have anything. | ||
| You have this bag of stuff. | ||
| And I get on the plane and I'm just scarfing down this chicken salad sandwich. | ||
| And the flight attendant comes over to me and he goes... | ||
| Excuse me, are there nuts in that sandwich? | ||
| I'm like scarfing down the sandwich and I look down and I'm like, I think so. | ||
| I think there's walnuts in the sandwich. | ||
| And I know that this is going to go badly. | ||
| And so as I'm talking, I'm still eating the sandwich. | ||
| I'm like, I think so. | ||
| And he's like, the woman who's two seats down from you, she has a nut allergy. | ||
| So you have to put that away. | ||
| And I was just like, I won't make her eat them. | ||
| I won't rub them on her body. | ||
| I'm just going to eat it right here. | ||
| And he was like, it's actually even if the nuts are in the air. | ||
| And I looked over at the woman and I go, excuse me, I go, will you have an allergic reaction if there are nuts in the air? | ||
| And she goes, yeah, I have an allergy and I'll have an episode if there's nuts in the air. | ||
| And I was just thinking, like, I didn't say this, but I was like, you shouldn't leave the house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right? | |
| You should have a bubble around you. | ||
| There's a lot of air. | ||
| Is that even real, though? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you can't go in the grocery store? | |
| So this is what happened. | ||
| I go... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was in that stage where I was having, like, eating... | ||
| Like, I was about to have eating blue balls, where you're halfway through your sandwich, and you're like, if I don't finish this sandwich, I'm going to flip out. | ||
| So I said to the guy, I was like, is there anywhere I can eat this sandwich? | ||
| And he said, I'm not making this up. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| You can eat it in the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And so I went to the bathroom and I finished my sandwich. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the nut allergy thing is strange. | ||
| It's like I really don't want people to die because they have a nut allergy, but I'm also kind of like, well then I guess... | ||
| Oh, this is real. | ||
| Yeah, the nut allergy thing? | ||
| Yeah, this is real. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, they should have breathing things that they have to wear if they're going in public. | ||
| It shouldn't go on 150 passengers in the flight for the person with the nut allergy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why can't she just have one of those little Asian masks, you know, like the little white masks? | |
| Yeah, for SARS. It can be... | ||
| Wow, this is really interesting, man. | ||
| That doesn't seem right. | ||
| And then I asked her, I go, is this, do you fly a lot? | ||
| I mean, is this something you do? | ||
| I mean, and she said, she said, yeah. | ||
| And when I'm on Southwest, I call in advance. | ||
| When I call in advance, they take all the nuts off the plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| She said, there are no nuts on the plane when I fly. | ||
| And I was just like, who is this girl? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| What kind of power does she wield? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's not right. | |
| It is possible. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| They're saying all those small amounts of peanut protein can set off a severe reaction. | ||
| It is rare that people get an allergic reaction from just breathing in small particles of nuts or peanuts. | ||
| That does mean it's possible. | ||
| They said it's rare. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because most foods with peanuts in them do not allow enough of the protein to escape into the air, causing a reaction. | ||
| Just because the smell of foods containing peanuts won't produce a reaction because the scent does not contain the protein. | ||
| She was just freaking out at the possibility, but most likely since it was like a food, it's a dust from the crunching of the peanuts, apparently. | ||
| That's enough, apparently, to freak some people out. | ||
| It's rare, but that's enough for some people, which is crazy. | ||
| Yeah, she should drive. | ||
| What a weird thing, though, man, to be allergic to food so badly. | ||
| Like a peanut. | ||
| Peanuts can kill people, man. | ||
| They're fucking poison. | ||
| And we're like, mmm, peanut M&Ms! | ||
| Mmm, fucking chomp, chomp, chomp. | ||
| Imagine how weird it would be growing up where everybody's eating poison everywhere around you. | ||
| Everybody's eating some shit that if you go to the supermarket, there's tubs of poison. | ||
| You go and get some peanut butter, that shit will kill you. | ||
| I've always felt that way about cell phones, though. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| From moment one, when cell phones started to be ubiquitous, I was like, this is going to be the cigarettes of our time. | ||
| Well, that's ridiculous. | ||
| That's not nearly as bad as peanuts to people allergic to peanuts. | ||
| People that are allergic to peanuts, it fucking kills you dead, and it's everywhere in tubs of it, and people are eating it in front of you. | ||
| Chomp, chomp. | ||
| It's like a common food for kids to take to school. | ||
| Peanut butter and jelly. | ||
| Imagine if poison... | ||
| Think about having this to your head all the time. | ||
| If you get cancer from your cell phone, you're a pussy. | ||
| That's what I say. | ||
| I'm gonna send some brain cancer patients your way. | ||
| It might be weird if like in like 30 years... | ||
| It might be weird though in like 30 years if like the whole entire United States has cancer of the brain. | ||
| We all die at the same time. | ||
| Everybody's right thumb rots off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Your texting thumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think that it's that much of a concern. | ||
| There's a lot of radiation we just get from the sun. | ||
| There's a lot of radiation we get from just the environment. | ||
| Every time you fly in a plane, you get massive amounts of radiation. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah, every time you fly in a plane, it's supposed to be worse than going through those x-ray machines. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, you're up in the fucking high altitude. | ||
| You're flying at 35,000 feet. | ||
| Yeah, my wife won't do the new one, the new x-ray. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| She gets opted out? | ||
| She opts out. | ||
| She just is freaked out by it. | ||
| It's a lot of radiation. | ||
| She's right. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think they've adequately researched the long-term effects of putting fucking weird particles through people's bodies. | ||
| And it might work on, you know, there's a thing about any sort of exposure to things that you might be fine, I might be fine, but one person, just like the person that's allergic to peanuts, people's bodies are weird, man. | ||
| One person could have a totally different reaction to that radiation and really get sick because of it. | ||
| Everybody's built so different. | ||
| We have similar but varied bodies and we have to take that into consideration when you find out what's bad for people. | ||
| Some people can't even have one drink. | ||
| Does that mean we should take drinks away? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Because for most of us, drinks are great. | ||
| Some people cannot have that one drink. | ||
| So imagine living in a world, and I have friends that have done this, where they look at everybody drinking like, this is everything you're doing. | ||
| If I did, I would be dead in an alley in a week. | ||
| I'd just fucking go on a massive bender until I ran out of heartbeats. | ||
| It's around us everywhere. | ||
| We vary too much. | ||
| Collectively, we've got a big spectrum of physical, psychological, everything. | ||
| Do you ever think about running for office? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Running for office is like, it would be like becoming a pro wrestler. | ||
| That's what it would be like. | ||
| This is the only way you could equate the two. | ||
| Because you're following a script in a certain way. | ||
| You're following a script and you're entering into some artificial sort of a situation. | ||
| This isn't real. | ||
| Like Paul Ryan, we don't know Paul Ryan. | ||
| We don't know Mitt Romney. | ||
| Mitt Romney doesn't even know Mitt Romney. | ||
| I was very uninspired by the speeches last night. | ||
| It's bizarre. | ||
| It feels like I'm in a movie. | ||
| I watched those speeches and I was actually really open-minded to like, hey, what do you guys got? | ||
| And then I came away just being like, oh, okay, nothing. | ||
| It was all rhetoric. | ||
| It was all get back the country. | ||
| If you have a small business, you did build it. | ||
| And it was all just bad, clunky, shitty speeches. | ||
| They played a Reagan speech from when Reagan was running against Jimmy Carter. | ||
| I was like, God damn, Reagan in the campaign trail could fucking throw it down. | ||
| He was an actor. | ||
| Yeah, being an actor, even though he was getting on in his days, when he was running for president, the effects of the presidency hadn't quite broken him down like it did during his term. | ||
| But he stomped Carter in this two-minute speech about what's the difference between a recession and a depression. | ||
| A recession is when a neighbor's out of a job. | ||
| A depression is when you're out of a job. | ||
| And the crowd was cheering. | ||
| And he's like, and to get rid of this depression, we need to put Jimmy Carter out of a job. | ||
| And they went fucking apeshit. | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| Imagine having that guy breathing down your heels. | ||
| Ronald Reagan. | ||
| Handsome-ass actor. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Talking a lot of sense. | ||
| Well, wait till Clooney runs for office in like 10 years. | ||
| He's got no kids. | ||
| He's got no kids. | ||
| People are never going to listen to a man who doesn't have children. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not yet. | |
| They're not going to listen to a man who doesn't have children, trust me. | ||
| The people who have children will never listen to a man who doesn't have children because they know that there's a physiological change that happens in a person's body, in your brain, in your consciousness, in your understanding of relationships. | ||
| When you have your own children, and he doesn't have his own children. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but when he runs for president, he's going to have two two-year-olds, twins, daughters. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| We want to see your kids get to be about 15 before you start running shit. | ||
| What about Matt Damon? | ||
| He has kids. | ||
| Matt Damon could run for office. | ||
| But the real problem is that the whole system is completely fucked sideways by corruption. | ||
| There's no way you can run for office. | ||
| To do what? | ||
| To be the bidding? | ||
| You're going to be at the bidding of these giant corporations or you're going to have bullets in your brain. | ||
| Well, you know what the game is. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| This thing's been bought and sold. | ||
| And if it wasn't proved to us by Obama, I mean, come on, a guy whose parent is a single mom. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He's raised in an interracial relationship, grows up poor, lives in Hawaii for a while. | ||
| I mean, you were talking about a guy who's a total outsider, right? | ||
| And look what happens when he gets in. | ||
| He passes things like the National Defense Authorization Act that just blindly allows them to arrest people and they have no recourse. | ||
| It allows them to use the military to block civil unrest and to stop civil unrest in this country. | ||
| All shit that's supposed to be prevented in the Constitution. | ||
| And he's just allowing this stuff to go through. | ||
| Why is he allowing this stuff to go through? | ||
| Is that what the child of a single parent would really want? | ||
| Not the Fuck it is. | ||
| He doesn't have a say. | ||
| He's at the bidding. | ||
| They're all at the bidding of money. | ||
| What is the best way to make money? | ||
| The best way to make money is to let these motherfuckers loose. | ||
| Let them do what they want to do in other countries. | ||
| Let them just make this happen. | ||
| Give them reasons why we gotta make this happen. | ||
| And that money just keeps fucking flying in. | ||
| These guys are in a vampire orgy of blood money. | ||
| Just dancing around and drinking in it. | ||
| And they don't want it to stop. | ||
| And so Obama, who says that he's going to stop wars, all of a sudden he wins the Nobel Peace Prize and he has to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Do you really think that's what he wants to do? | ||
| Do you really think that's what his big change is? | ||
| His big change is that? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| It's all crazy. | ||
| This is a broken system. | ||
| You're watching these candidates and you're like, this is the last death throes of a dying situation, a dying configuration, the configuration of Democrat versus Republican. | ||
| And what we're going to do is give America back to the small businesses, to the families. | ||
| It's like, ee, ee. | ||
| It's like you're making those close encounters noises. | ||
| Do, do, do. | ||
| You're not even saying anything. | ||
| You're just making the noises that the people want to hear. | ||
| You're making the conservative noise. | ||
| It's sort of underlyingly racist. | ||
| Let's get it back away from this black guy. | ||
| He's kind of fucked everything up. | ||
| Look how white my wife is. | ||
| There's a little of that going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nonsense! | ||
| And meanwhile, the same companies will be controlling things, no matter who's in control. | ||
| We get wrapped up in shit like gay marriage and immigration and all this different stuff that nobody really gives a fuck about at the top of the heap. | ||
| And they just keep sucking money out of the system the whole time. | ||
| We're dancing around worrying about whether dudes should be able to write things down and say, I'm a this now and you're a that now. | ||
| And then it becomes illegal. | ||
| We're dicking around about that. | ||
| The same people are running shit that have always been running shit. | ||
| It's hilarious, really. | ||
| When it becomes more and more transparent, you realize what an incredible job they've done of just keeping everybody in the dark and just running things from the background. | ||
| As far as running the world, really, the fucking banks have done a fantastic job. | ||
| I mean, in spite of all the competition, all the access to information people have today, the fact they still run it the way they run it, it's amazing. | ||
| They've done a great job. | ||
| They're bad motherfuckers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just depressing. | ||
| It is depressing. | ||
| What person of our age group would want war at this stage of life? | ||
| What person would think that that's the best option in any culture? | ||
| They were even saying it last night. | ||
| McCain in his speech was saying we should raise defense spending. | ||
| Raise defense spending? | ||
| Isn't that what you guys are trying to say? | ||
| We shouldn't spend so much money? | ||
| I was very confused by what they were saying, what their message was. | ||
| The word defense is a funny word because it's not defense when you're in another country. | ||
| So when you say raise defense spending, I'm down for strengthening anything in America. | ||
| But I think I don't see any reason to send someone's kids to some other fucking country to shoot some people they never met because some assholes say that that's the thing that needs to be done. | ||
| That don't make any sense to me. | ||
| It's not that you don't support the troops and it's not that you don't think that it's good to have a strong army because I absolutely do and do. | ||
| But, oh, this is fucking craziness. | ||
| This is chaos. | ||
| And no one wants to admit it is. | ||
| So you're dealing with these two guys that are essentially going to... | ||
| It's going to vary very little. | ||
| Maybe there's going to be some social debate going on in here. | ||
| Maybe gay people have a harder time. | ||
| It'll be harder to get medical pot. | ||
| I mean, maybe. | ||
| But other than that, what the fuck is going to change? | ||
| Not that much. | ||
| Not that much is going to change. | ||
| 2.46, alright, so we're good. | ||
| What time are you going to get out of here, Sean? | ||
| I think at 3, I've got to go over and be on Conan. | ||
| I think at 3. You think at 3? | ||
| What time do you actually go on stage there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I heard they're going to wait for you. | ||
| I'm in a haze of interviews and stuff like that these days, and coming here is just kind of like taking time off. | ||
| It's like, I don't have to... | ||
| There's no hard interview questions. | ||
| It's just kind of hanging out. | ||
| It's hard when you're dealing with... | ||
| You have to try to be entertaining all the time. | ||
| Yeah, we answer the same questions over and over and over again. | ||
| I invited you to that WGA screening the other night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was crazy because Tim Robbins was there and Tom Hanks were there. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| It was really crazy. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| They were saying... | ||
| Tim Robbins was saying to me that he was like, what you're experiencing right now, this kind of haze of like press junk and all this stuff, it's basically what they would do if they, literally if they wanted to make you insane, they'd stick you in a room and ask you the same question over and over again all day until you crack. | ||
| And that's what you're doing. | ||
| That's your life right now. | ||
| Yeah, that's like if you were a guilty person, they would bring in a series of investigators that would ask you the exact same questions and see if you have the same answer. | ||
| That's actually a great idea. | ||
| If you could have like a hundred investigators and they give you the same questions and you have to give detailed stories, you would fuck that thing up. | ||
| So it's been like a hey is... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What is your movie called? | ||
| Sleepwalk With Me. | ||
| Sleepwalk With Me? | ||
| I sent you the screener. | ||
| You did send it to me. | ||
| Did you get it? | ||
| I didn't get it yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here, you want to watch the trailer? | |
| Let's watch the trailer because I haven't seen the trailer yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here we go. | |
| It's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I always have to tell people that because inevitably someone will come up to me and they'll be like, is that true? | |
| And I'll be like, yeah. | ||
| And they'll be like, was it? | ||
| I don't know how to respond to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I guess I could say it louder, you know, like, yeah! | |
| They'd be like, it's probably true to say it louder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now the big comedian, Matt Pandepiglio. | |
| Hey, y'all ready to lip sync? | ||
| I can't hear you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my lip sync joke. | |
| So here's what happened. | ||
| My girlfriend Abby and I moved in together. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| And my sister Janet got engaged. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're next. | |
| It's coming your way, baby! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Batter up! | |
| And everyone started talking about marriage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How long have you and Abby been together? | |
| Eight years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember being so long. | |
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| And that night, Abby! | ||
| I started walking in my sleep. | ||
| There's a jackal in the room! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come back to bed. | |
| How long has this sleepwalking been going on? | ||
| I don't think it's that serious. | ||
| As things with my girlfriend got more tense, my sleepwalking got more dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did it, Matt, in the first place. | |
| Thank you! | ||
| This is the first time I remember thinking, maybe I should see a doctor, and then I thought, maybe I'll eat dinner. | ||
| I'm alone with dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've decided I'm not going to get married until I'm sure that nothing else good can happen in my life. | |
| You say that on stage. | ||
| One day I asked my girlfriend, what do you fear most? | ||
| And she said, I fear you'll meet someone else and you'll leave me and I'll be all alone. | ||
| And she said, what do you fear most? | ||
| And I said, bears. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Has your girlfriend heard the jokes? | |
| No. | ||
| You should probably mention it. | ||
| You say you're going to go see the doctor, you don't. | ||
| You say you want to be a comedian, you're a bartender. | ||
| I mean, pick a damn plan and stick with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's kidding, but he's not as funny as you. | |
| My parents have been together 40 years, which is, yeah, no, but it's too long. | ||
| If you're ever in a relationship that's moving towards marriage and you're not ready don't go to my sister Janet's wedding Nice shirt loser Sorry. | ||
| No, I like it. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| That looks great, man. | ||
| That looks great. | ||
| Yeah, it was a couple of really good lines. | ||
| And you gave Marc Maron a part. | ||
| So that's a big, like, altruistic move. | ||
| He and I had a, I don't know, the first time I went on this podcast, we really threw down. | ||
| He really hated me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He hated me for a long time. | ||
| Dude, he hated me for a long time, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he really? | |
| Yeah, he's crazy. | ||
| He hates everybody. | ||
| I think he hates himself. | ||
| But then we... | ||
| He tries to be a nice guy, though. | ||
| No, no, he's been really nice to me in the last year or so. | ||
| Well, that's a nice tactic that people do. | ||
| Yeah, they create conflict, and then somehow the conflict gets resolved, and then there's like this emotional connection because you have something at stake. | ||
| I think he's a little bit addicted to conflict. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| What did he not like about you? | ||
| Oh, we didn't know each other. | ||
| He just had this distorted perception of me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And he has this issue with people selling out. | ||
| He has this issue with me doing Fear Fact. | ||
| I'm like, shut your fucking punk rock nonsense up. | ||
| Selling out. | ||
| Please. | ||
| But he's great in the movie. | ||
| Yeah, Lauren Ambrose and Carol Kane. | ||
| Mark's a good guy. | ||
| He's just crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's why he's good at what he does. | ||
| He's good at what he does, yeah. | ||
| He's very good at interviewing people. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Some people just can't quite get the spark going. | ||
| Awkward interviews, like when someone's asking half-hearted questions or doesn't have the passion for it, it's very uncomfortable to listen to. | ||
| Yes, that's most interviews. | ||
| Yeah, isn't it? | ||
| That's why those press junkets have to be maddening for you. | ||
| Especially for a stand-up when you're always aware of people's attention spans. | ||
| Well you and I were talking the other day about they want me to do all these local morning TV shows and it's hard because they don't, when you say on those local morning TV shows, when you say a joke, they'll say, I don't know what you mean. | ||
| And that's the worst. | ||
| That's the opposite of laughter. | ||
| The moment you have to start explaining a joke, you're done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was saying that if you're on one of those shows, any comedian should do this. | ||
| If you're on one of those shows, what you should do is just immediately break into a Tracy Morgan impression. | ||
| Someone's getting pregnant around here. | ||
| And you start rubbing your belly. | ||
| Because that's like the funniest thing that's ever happened on one of those morning shows. | ||
| Is Tracy Morgan rubbing his belly. | ||
| This is my main call. | ||
| This shit is my main call. | ||
| Someone's getting pregnant. | ||
| And when he did that, this poor fool on this silly show was just flabbergasted. | ||
| Hey Tracy! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He didn't know what to say. | ||
| Just like stuck with a wild man on a show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone getting pregnant! | ||
| He would slap his belly and go, this is my mating call! | ||
| So did you write a book first? | ||
| Is that how this movie came out? | ||
| It was a one-man show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a one-man show. | |
| It was off-Broadway in New York. | ||
| Sleepwalk With Me, the one-man show. | ||
| And then I adapted it into a film. | ||
| And then along the way, I actually did... | ||
| I wrote a book that was Sleepwalk With Me. | ||
| It was a chapter in the book. | ||
| Sleepwalk With Me and other painfully true stories. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| Comedic essays about sort of painful. | ||
| So the sleepwalking part is true? | ||
| Yeah, I jumped through a second-story window in my sleep. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you wake up when? | ||
| When you hit the ground? | ||
| I woke up as I was running on the front lawn in my underwear bleeding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Second-story window. | ||
| That's like some... | ||
| At La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| So you were on the road? | ||
| I was on the road, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How crazy are you on a 1 to 10? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| What's going on is I was diagnosed with what's called REM behavior disorder. | ||
| But on a scale of 1 to 10, 8. Every comic's crazy. | ||
| Why are we all so crazy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's something up with comedians. | ||
| So do you have like a tool now that you travel with? | ||
| Like a belt that's like hooked up to like a... | ||
| No joke. | ||
| I sleep every night in a sleeping bag up to my neck. | ||
| And for a while I would wear mittens so I couldn't open the sleeping bag. | ||
| And I take medication. | ||
| I take an anti-anxiety that the doctor prescribed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so strange. | ||
| Is there a trigger? | ||
| Is there something that... | ||
| Anxiety, stress, sleep deprivation. | ||
| Like all the stuff that's really not good sleep hygiene. | ||
| Wow, and it makes you just completely not know what you're doing. | ||
| It makes me act out my dreams. | ||
| Usually, my dreams have to do with me running away from some kind of demon or wild animal. | ||
| Wow, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Holy shit, that's got to be crazy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I've told this on stage before about being in San Francisco during a fire. | ||
| And it was 4.30 in the morning. | ||
| We all got evacuated from the hotel room. | ||
| And a lot of people sleep with Ambien. | ||
| And when they're woken up like that, they don't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| And you could see it in their face, and they would wake up in the middle of walking down the stairs. | ||
| So this guy was in front of us, and he was in the middle. | ||
| And there's a fucking whole line of people trying to get out of this hotel, right? | ||
| Hundreds of people on the stairs. | ||
| And it's a really narrow staircase where only one person sits at the time. | ||
| I know those staircases as well. | ||
| Well, people were waking up. | ||
| Like, where are we doing? | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Like, waking up in the middle of walking down the stairs. | ||
| And the wife was, like, yelling at the guy, just keep walking. | ||
| The hotel's... | ||
| Hotel? | ||
| What hotel? | ||
| Where are we? | ||
| We're in San Francisco. | ||
| The hotel's on fire. | ||
| We're on fire? | ||
| Like, literally didn't know what the fuck was going on. | ||
| Just whacked out on Ambien. | ||
| Kevin James made a turkey when he was on Ambien. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he made a turkey. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Made a fucking turkey. | ||
| Didn't know about it. | ||
| Got up in the morning and was like, what the fuck is all this? | ||
| Like, didn't know that he went and he cooked some food. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| It happens to people all the time. | ||
| My sister, growing up, when she was like 11 or 12, my mom found her walking down the street of her neighborhood naked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like thinking, what are the odds that maybe just some guy drove by and was like, what? | |
| A naked 11-year-old walking down the street? | ||
|
unidentified
|
My lucky day. | |
| There was a guy who was convicted of... | ||
| He murdered someone close to him, like his parents or his mother-in-law or something like that, drove to their house in his sleep. | ||
| Do you know this case? | ||
| There's cases where it's been used as an alibi. | ||
| But this guy got off. | ||
| Yeah, no, people have gotten off. | ||
| He killed her with like a crowbar. | ||
| I'm going to start sleepwalking. | ||
| You can't talk about it first on a podcast, dude. | ||
| That's a paper trail right there. | ||
| How could you get away with that in a court of law? | ||
| Since you have it, what would they say? | ||
| If I killed somebody? | ||
| No, anything you do. | ||
| Obviously, when you walked out that window, there's no question that you were dreaming. | ||
| Yeah, I had a dream that there was a guided missile headed towards my hotel room. | ||
| And that there were all these military personnel in the room with me. | ||
| And they said, the military personnel said to me, the missile coordinates are set specifically on you. | ||
| So I jumped out my window so as to detonate outside the window for the sake of the platoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's insane. | ||
| Yeah, this guy beat his mother-in-law to death and choked his father-in-law into unconsciousness. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When was the last episode that you had that was even just a slight problem? | |
| Well, you know what's crazy is that making a film... | ||
| Is actually not the healthiest thing for sleep disorders. | ||
| I was having anxiety and sleep deprived and I was directing. | ||
| I was directing myself, acting out things that I had done in my life. | ||
| I had an episode where I was sleepwalking and my wife came in and I was adjusting lamps in the bedroom and she was like, what are you doing? | ||
| And I was like, we're shooting. | ||
| And she was like, no, we're not shooting. | ||
| And I go, I'm sorry, but we are. | ||
| Like, I was actually patronizing her, which is the worst thing you can do when you're sleepwalking is just insult people for not understanding your reality. | ||
| Like, oh, you're so stupid. | ||
| You don't get it. | ||
| You just don't get it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's got to be so weird. | ||
| Has anybody ever videotaped you doing it? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would have been the great wacky credits for your movie. | |
| In the credits of the movie are the actual photographs of the window I jumped through and me at the hospital. | ||
| I took photos of all of it because when it happened I knew no one's going to believe this. | ||
| This is too crazy. | ||
| And so that's the credits of the movie. | ||
| You smashed the window and everything? | ||
| You did it like James Bond style? | ||
| I jumped through the window like the Hulk. | ||
| And I say that because that's how I described it at the emergency room. | ||
| I was like, you know the Hulk? | ||
| He just jumps through windows and walls. | ||
| That's like me. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| I've never videoed myself, but I have this great new video technology called My Wife, who remembers everything I see, whatever I do or say. | ||
| So she's kind of explained to me what it looks like. | ||
| She's your dictator. | ||
| She dictates. | ||
| It's kind of a hacky men-woman thing, but my wife remembers everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Your ride's here, by the way. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is it? | ||
| Well, dude, thank you very much. | ||
| This is a story that we were talking about, if anybody's interested in looking up. | ||
| There was a guy from Toronto, and he lost his job due to embezzlement, and he suffered from a gambling addiction. | ||
| So the guy was in some serious, serious debt, so because of that he had a high level of stress and sleep induced insomnia. | ||
| And he drove, he got up in his car, rose from his bed, he drove 14 miles to the home of his wife's parents. | ||
| That's unreal. | ||
| Yeah, he removed a tire iron from the car, entered the house, and he beat the mother-in-law to death, choked the father-in-law unconsciousness, and then he used a knife from the kitchen to stab them. | ||
| I don't buy that though. | ||
| I don't buy that as an alibi. | ||
| He seems like a cunt anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he turned himself into a police station. | ||
| I don't buy that. | ||
| Because, I mean, I have this disorder and I could not imagine doing anything that... | ||
| Like, basically, the reason I wear a sleeping bag is that if you undo the sleeping bag, the moment you start doing something that requires dexterity and focus and concentration, that's what wakes you up. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine... | ||
| I feel like driving a car is very specific. | ||
| Dude, they should have called you. | ||
| They should have called you in the courtroom. | ||
| Where am I in that story? | ||
| Yeah, because I think... | ||
| I'm pretty sure this guy got off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Yeah, I think he got acquitted, man. | ||
| The jury acquitted Parks of murder and later of attempted murder, although the government appealed the 1992 Supreme Court of Canada... | ||
| See, it's Canada, though. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| They're too nice up there. | ||
| American would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Oh, you're sleepwalking when you beat someone to death with a tire iron? | ||
| Yeah, nothing wakes you up like metal to bone. | ||
| Crack over and over again in your hands, vibrating in your hands. | ||
| Your mother-in-law's skull. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And that doesn't wake you up? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, you crazy asshole. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Mike Barbiglia? | ||
| Dude, your movie looks fucking awesome. | ||
| Thanks! | ||
| It really looks cool. | ||
| It's in, if people want to find it, it's in 30 cities in theaters this weekend. | ||
| And will it be available on Netflix and iTunes and all that stuff soon? | ||
| Soon it will be available, all these places, but it's, right now it's going to, it's booked, if you go on sleepwalkmovie.com, you can see in the next month it's going to open in 170 movie theaters around the country. | ||
| Listen, if you ever want to come back in, we'd love to have you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| Anytime you want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really fun. | |
| Whenever you're in town, just, anytime, just let me know. | ||
| And if you need help promoting anything, let me know as well and we'll hook it up. | ||
| Thanks a lot. | ||
| So thank you very much for coming on. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN and save yourself 10% off. | ||
| I'm sorry, you dirty bitches. | ||
| And we will see you guys Friday. | ||
| We're probably going to do an Ice House Chronicles here because it's going to be Joey Diaz, Ari Shafir, me, and Doug Stanhope as well at the Ice House. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Doug's coming? | ||
| Yeah, Doug's going to come. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you fucking kidding me? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yeah. | |
| Doug's going to be here Friday. | ||
| And of course, Doug and I are also still doing the End of the World show, December 21st, 2012, at the Wiltern Theater in L.A. with Joey Diaz and Honey Honey, the band. | ||
| Tell Doug I said hi. | ||
| I will, I will for sure. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Yeah, I love him. | ||
| Please buy a t-shirt. | ||
| Yeah, we're doing something for Tosh.0 on Friday, so after that he's going to come down and do the shows at the Ice House. | ||
| So that's Friday and Saturday. | ||
| Next weekend, I'm in Santa Barbara at the Lobero Theater. | ||
| I don't even know what that's like, but Santa Barbara's pretty badass, so I can't wait to... | ||
| All that shit's on my Twitter page. | ||
| Go to my Twitter page. | ||
| Go to Berbiglia's Twitter page. | ||
| Berbiglia, goddammit. | ||
| At Berbigs. | ||
| Berbigs. | ||
| And Redband is R-E-D-B-A-N on Twitter. | ||
| And Desquad.tv if you want to buy the new Desquad t-shirt that is like a ripoff of a bunch of big companies that are probably going to wind up suing him. | ||
| He'll have to take it down. | ||
| So get in on it now while it's still a collector's item. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| All right, you freaks. | ||
| We will see you Friday. | ||
| Thanks to everybody. | ||
| We don't have any more podcasts this week, do we? | ||
| Ice House. | ||
| Ice House. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So we'll see you guys Friday on the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| And then next week, we've got a bunch of people next week. | ||
| A bunch of good shit's happening. | ||
| I'll keep you guys in tune. | ||
| Thank you, everybody, for... | ||
| All the positive messages on Twitter and Facebook and all that good shit and all the cool people that come out to the comedy stores. | ||
| And comedy stores? | ||
| Shows? | ||
| Places? | ||
| I should stop talking at a certain point in time. | ||
| I've said too many words. | ||
| They're meaningless now. | ||
| It's all just noise out of my mouth. | ||
| You know what the fuck I'm talking about, people. | ||
| We love you guys. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| See you soon. |
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