Aug. 15, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:30:23
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Finally. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain and Shroom Tech. | ||
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| And if you're interested in getting fit and doing some manly type shit, there's no manly more cave band Conan the Barbarian type shit than throwing ropes around and lifting cannonballs with handles on them. | ||
| It's what I do for all my strength and conditioning. | ||
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| I don't think there's anything better than kettlebells. | ||
| I think it's one of the most phenomenal ways to exercise in the world. | ||
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| I'm going through all these complicated motions. | ||
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| All right, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Buckle the fuck in. | ||
| Andrew Dice Clay is here, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Cue the music, Brian. | ||
| Let's make it official. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Podcast. | |
| Check it out. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us not just... | ||
| Eleanor Kerrigan. | ||
| Not just Max Silverstein, but Andrew Dice Clay as well. | ||
| This is a fucking phenomenal show. | ||
| You know, you're so strong and everything. | ||
| In the meantime, I can't get the coffee to come out of my cup. | ||
| There's something wrong with the lid. | ||
| You gotta pull the lid back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me help you with your little look. | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| I thought that was it right there. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I've been trying to drink it. | ||
| Is it a faulty one? | ||
| Oh, I didn't see it. | ||
| Oh, you gotta lift it. | ||
| Well, I'm not gonna do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do it with your fingers. | |
| Yeah, can't everybody just be Starbucks? | ||
| Just feel. | ||
| It's like this. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look, look, look. | |
| Gorgeous isn't everything. | ||
| Sometimes you have to think, pumpkin. | ||
| That was pretty easy. | ||
| That's sad. | ||
| She just did it for you. | ||
| Now you know why I got around. | ||
| One of the things that I enjoy about being around you, man, is that life is theater 24-7. | ||
| I don't know what you'd say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Public theater. | |
| Public theater. | ||
| In the dressing room, you're a fun fucking dude to be around. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| And I've learned that about you. | ||
| I've really learned that about you. | ||
| Because we didn't know each other that well, and now we've become what I would call friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, absolutely. | |
| You're like a new friend. | ||
| I'd be honored. | ||
| We text. | ||
| Yeah, we text. | ||
| Constant text. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because we do it in all caps? | |
| And what's funny is... | ||
| No, no, I have to do it that way or else I can't see what I'm doing. | ||
| So it's not like, you know how they say when you text? | ||
| Oh, you can make the font larger. | ||
| That's what I've had to do. | ||
| I don't use that kind of phone. | ||
| Oh, you don't use an iPhone? | ||
| No. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I use Commando. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He uses a typewriter. | |
| It's harder. | ||
| Commando, you could talk 300 feet under the water with it. | ||
| Oh, is it one of those Verizon ones, one of those crazy ones? | ||
| So you got one for a disaster? | ||
| Well, let's say you're having a fight with a guy, right? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And you're on the beach. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So now I run into the water, I go underneath, I could call the cops and say, I've got a problem over here. | ||
| I mean, why the fuck are they making phones to talk underwater? | ||
| But I got it. | ||
| Yeah, I thought about going that way. | ||
| I tried it in my pool. | ||
| It's like, I think of, what kind of car do you like to drive? | ||
| Do you like to drive a sports car, or do you want to drive like a military Humvee? | ||
| I mean, you've got two different ways of looking at things. | ||
| One is, I'm going to just assume that these roads are going to be like this, and that I can get around on them pretty easy, and just... | ||
| And it's fun. | ||
| Or, I can pretend that the shit could hit the fan at every moment... | ||
| And all of a sudden, I'm driving through the fucking desert trying to find rats to eat to stay alive. | ||
| I like an industrial car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that thought. | |
| I agree with you, yeah. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| I like trucks. | ||
| I do them all with the metal all around them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just like things solid. | |
| Big fucking machines. | ||
| Stay back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Back up. | |
| I gotta challenge it, too. | ||
| But that, to me, is an industrial sports car. | ||
| Do you have one of the new ones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With the black stripe on the front. | ||
| They nailed that car. | ||
| They really, like, replicated a 70s muscle car. | ||
| They really nailed it. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what they gotta do? | ||
| Listen, Dodge, do me a favor here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, talk closer. | |
| Make, like, the convertible version. | ||
| Nothing will be cooler than that in convertible. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're right. | ||
| Where the fuck is the guy that's going to do this already? | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of silly. | ||
| Why does it take 10 years? | ||
| I mean, Camaro does it. | ||
| It's a fucking challenger. | ||
| I want the top down. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck, Dodge? | ||
| Really, what is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't have a sunroof? | |
| No. | ||
| Well, they got a sunroof. | ||
| A sunroof is not right. | ||
| Every time you open a sunroof, you want to close it because the sun's now beating on you through this little fucking hole. | ||
| Either want it open or not open. | ||
| Eleanor, I'm talking. | ||
| When I'm done talking, you start. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just asked a question. | |
| Ask it when I'm done. | ||
| 24-7. | ||
| No, you've got to know how to talk. | ||
| Keep them in line. | ||
| The 427 Corvette is the best American car available now. | ||
| Have you seen that now? | ||
| See, but to me, that's too small. | ||
| I like a big muscle car. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| They finally took the Z06 suspension and Z06 engine and they put it in a convertible. | ||
| The Z06 was the fucking race car. | ||
| And that was, they took a regular Corvette, and then the Z06 was 505 horsepower, and fucking racing suspension, big, fat, fucking, almost slick tires. | ||
| It's the craziest car ever. | ||
| And now they're making it as a convertible, which is the first time they've ever offered that kind of power. | ||
| Jeff Abraham, the publicist, my publicist, he's got, he's got that. | ||
| Corvettes are ridiculous. | ||
| They're ridiculous cars. | ||
| They're cool to be in, but then it's getting out of it. | ||
| That's the hard part. | ||
| Well, it's also a plastic car. | ||
| Because everything on me is broken. | ||
| Everything? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| From disintegrating feet to ripped shoulders. | ||
| Now can I talk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't have disintegrating feet, Andrew. | |
| Well, in a way, they're disintegrating. | ||
| Well, I think mother time or father time, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| When I close my fist and I got to open my hand, wait. | ||
| It snaps open. | ||
| You are wearing gloves, though. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's even worse when there were no gloves on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, like the joints get stiff and then they got to like pop open. | ||
| Did you really start wearing gloves? | ||
| If you jerk off your hands like this for three hours. | ||
| Did you really start wearing gloves because too many people were shaking your hands? | ||
| You were worried about getting sick? | ||
| I don't mind shaking hands, I just can't take sweaty hands. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So I invented a way to shake hands without actually touching skin to skin. | ||
| It's smart. | ||
| No, because, you know, a lot of people today, I mean, look how people are dressed. | ||
| How sloppy they are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With the jeans that they look like they're going to take half a shit out of their pants as they're walking down the street with the flip-flops. | ||
| I'm glad you're with me. | ||
| So picture about their hygiene with their hands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They probably got their fingers and their ass crack half the time. | ||
| I don't want to shake it. | ||
| Scratch them and then use the keyboard, right? | ||
| So, yeah, but you know what I'm talking about. | ||
| I know you know what I'm talking about. | ||
| Oh, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Because you shake a lot of hands, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, So you're with me in the disdain of people who wear their fucking pants buckled around their dick. | ||
| It's sickening. | ||
| There is a problem with that, folks. | ||
| That is just stupid. | ||
| And people have said, man, you're so wrong, dude. | ||
| You're just talking shit about style. | ||
| You're being silly. | ||
| It's nothing sexy about it. | ||
| It's not style. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| When I see your pants... | ||
| It's not lazy. | ||
| It's insanity. | ||
| No, when I see a girl or a guy walking around like they took a dump in their pants, it's the last person I want to talk to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they are waddling. | |
| There's something about it that just shows that all you have to do is get one charismatic person to do something and then every asshole wants to follow him. | ||
| So it must have been just one probably badass black dude out of prison who sagged his pants and kept sagging his pants. | ||
| And then all of a sudden all these fucking dorks want to copy that guy. | ||
| And it's become like this thing. | ||
| And the belt buckle where they back... | ||
| They literally are buckling their belt over their dick. | ||
| Like, you silly fuck. | ||
| You can't even walk. | ||
| What are you, hobbling yourself? | ||
| That's like... | ||
| This is way worse than anybody can make fun of a woman doing by wearing high heels. | ||
| Like, at least a woman in high heels can kind of kick her shoes off if she has to run. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Those things aren't hard to get off. | ||
| But if you're... | ||
| Wearing your fucking belt buckled around your dick. | ||
| If somebody wants to beat your ass, you really don't have a whole lot of options. | ||
| You're going to get your fucking ass kicked unless you want to fight naked. | ||
| And by the time you get those pants off, that dude's going to beat the shit out of you. | ||
| You can't even walk. | ||
| You're tied up. | ||
| You're lassoed. | ||
| Joey. | ||
| Joey J. Yeah, yeah. | ||
| My nickname for you is Joey J. Thank you, sir. | ||
| And we don't talk about what the J means. | ||
| By the way, I need to get a pair of sunglasses like those. | ||
| The violence. | ||
| They're prescription, though. | ||
| They're badass, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can you get it? | ||
| Those are I-don't-give-a-fuck sunglasses. | ||
| And I don't. | ||
| I know you don't. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I know you don't. | ||
| I don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why you got those glasses are perfect for you. | |
| Joey fucking J. It's like he's Spider-Man. | ||
| We'll have to get him glasses. | ||
| Let me just say, we went to see Dice in Vegas, and it is one of the rare times that I ever, Get a chance to go to see a show. | ||
| You actually said you haven't sat down and watched a comedy show in years. | ||
| Well, it had been about a year, and the last time was Norton before that. | ||
| Maybe I caught Louis C.K. too at the improv. | ||
| But, you know, to go out on purpose, we're going to go to see Dice tonight. | ||
| We're going to go see a show. | ||
| Like on purpose. | ||
| Yeah, and me, and Norton, and Bobby Kelly, and Anthony Cumia, and Sam Roberts, and oh my God, did we have a good fucking time. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| First of all, your act was fucking great. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| You know, it was just perfect old-school dice. | ||
| And I think Anthony said, he goes, it's beautiful. | ||
| He's like, it's still dice, but it's new. | ||
| It's like the same old dice, but it's new stuff. | ||
| Yeah, it's fresh material. | ||
| Well, we haven't gotten to talking about the special yet, but... | ||
| My whole idea was, alright, I want to give them all this new generation stuff, technology, all the way to the fucking pigs, how they walk around with their pussies out today. | ||
| I wanted to give them all that newer stuff, but yet I wanted to put some of the classic dice stuff that the newer fans don't know and pepper that into the act. | ||
| So that's why I think you enjoyed it because you weren't watching somebody that all of a sudden is about politics. | ||
| You come to see somebody like myself or you. | ||
| We're a certain brand, so people expect that. | ||
| And that's what I like doing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| All these comics today that are going through bullshit about one little thing they might have said on stage and then it's a media event. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| The one thing I will let the media know is when my special airs, I'm not thinking of them. | ||
| I'm thinking of the people that really want to laugh from my brand of humor. | ||
| I don't care how I say it. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what I say to them. | ||
| And I'm not apologizing for a fucking word out of my mouth. | ||
| And I love that. | ||
| Not only do I love that, I think it's one of the most important things in comedy is that there's someone like you that says that because... | ||
| From my personal opinion as a stand-up comedy fan, as a connoisseur of stand-up, I never thought you got the credit that you deserved amongst comedians because there was a lot of backlash about your material where they were saying like, oh, it's sexist, oh, it's homophobic. | ||
| It is a legitimate style of comedy. | ||
| You're saying ridiculous shit and it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| And if you can't recognize that as an art form, that's your ignorant problem. | ||
| It's not that the material is... | ||
| That's the funny shit to say. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, he's saying something ridiculous. | ||
| Of course it's not medically sound advice. | ||
| I've had people walking out of a show. | ||
| You know, because in Vegas sometimes they comp certain people's high rollers, whatever. | ||
| So people have walked out that they didn't like that I said the word fag. | ||
| They go, he calls gay people fag. | ||
| And it's like, what's the fucking difference? | ||
| It's the point I'm making. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're not making a hurtful point. | ||
| You know, these are just different words to say they have an alternative sex style. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what they do. | ||
| I don't care if they want to suck dick all the way to the fucking bus station. | ||
| That's their choice. | ||
| But if I'm doing a bit, fag is the word I use. | ||
| It works better for me than the word gay or queer or... | ||
| Or alternative fucking lifestyle. | ||
| They suck dick on each other. | ||
| And that's okay by me. | ||
| I don't want to suck dick. | ||
| And if I did, I'm telling you right now, I'd have a hundred cocks laying on my face right now. | ||
| If you really wanted it. | ||
| If I wanted, because that's how I am about girls. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I like pussy. | ||
| It's who I am. | ||
| You know, so if I'm saying a word like fag, I'm saying it because that's the word that works best in the act. | ||
| Dom Herrera had the best line ever about being gay. | ||
| He goes, Joe, I wish I was gay just so I could come out. | ||
| That's how little I give a fuck. | ||
| Is that fucking quintessential Don Rivera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so perfect. | |
| Oh, he's such a silly man. | ||
| Yeah, who fucking cares? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's a style of comedy, and I always love... | ||
| This whole thing about comics, like, being on trot... | ||
| You know, I went through it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And I went through it in a big fucking way. | ||
| I mean, this guy... | ||
| But you went through it in a time where there wasn't that many people doing it, and you sticking to your guns and keeping your character the way you've always kept it... | ||
| Yeah, putting me in a psychiatrist, yeah. | ||
| But that's besides the point. | ||
| Did it? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, but almost, you know. | ||
| No, I've done the therapy. | ||
| Actually, when my career took off, I went to a therapist in New York to see how to handle my family because they got so, you know, because it happened so quick, you know, from the clubs to the arena thing that, you know, my parents and my whole family was so excited. | ||
| It's all they talk about. | ||
| So I would be like, look, I know what I'm doing, but let's talk about other things. | ||
| You know, I didn't want it to be 24-7 about me. | ||
| You know, when I'm on stage, when I'm working on projects, I do think constantly of what I'm doing. | ||
| But when it's downtime, like when we came back, I just got done shooting a... | ||
| Half the Woody Allen movie that I'm doing. | ||
| And so the other night Max is, you know, we're sitting outside in the front porch and he goes, we're sitting with my wife Valerie and he goes, let's put on the, you know, the video camera what we filmed. | ||
| And I said, you know what, now's not the time. | ||
| I need a few days just to be myself now. | ||
| I don't want to just stay on the movie and watch everything and see me more. | ||
| It's like, you know, just staying grounded is the most important thing. | ||
| Well, to me, that's the whole thing with fame. | ||
| That's why a lot of these guys go nuts because it's 24-7 of them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's going to drive you nuts if you're not grounded. | ||
| Like, I won't even live in the hills. | ||
| I need to see people. | ||
| I need to be, like, more on the street, like if I was in Brooklyn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because when you isolate yourself... | ||
| You know, it just makes you just think of you. | ||
| And like, yeah, look at my house, look at my yard, but I don't see any people. | ||
| And that's no good for me. | ||
| I gotta always feel people. | ||
| And that's also where you come up with material, because I hate most people. | ||
| So you're around people because you hate most people. | ||
| Well, I like... | ||
| Yeah, I hate... | ||
| You know what I mean about when you get in traffic and you just make a move and they look at you like they own the fucking street. | ||
| You know, if you're at Starbucks and you take too long to order a fucking coffee... | ||
| They're looking at you like, doesn't he know the fucking menu that I want to fucking club him to death? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, give me the 30 cents. | ||
| Why do I feel panicked? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, even at an airport, why do you have to feel panicked to put your fucking shoes in a basket that somebody's looking like, doesn't he know the routine? | ||
| Hey, why do I got to rush every fucking move? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You know, but that's where material comes from. | ||
| And then on stage, I blow it out comedically. | ||
| But in real life, like I said, you want to club their head through their fucking feet. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you like being around them. | ||
| You gotta be around them. | ||
| You gotta be around them to live life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You definitely need a certain amount of it, but I definitely need decompression, too. | ||
| You know, when I light a cigarette at Starbucks and I'm sitting outside and they start fucking coughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| That's my favorite. | ||
| They start coughing and I go, you ever get up in LA about six in the morning where you can't see the fucking sky because the fucking dirty smog is... | ||
| Two feet above your fucking head. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| But my cigarette's the one knocking you out. | ||
| Go fuck yourselves. | ||
| Outside. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Anybody that don't like my cigarette, fuck you and the horse you fucking rode in on. | ||
| The only time I really... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're with me enough. | ||
| They see this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| He does get the looks. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| The cigarette is like lighting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would have think he took out a knife. | |
| What do you think about these laws they're passing where you can't smoke outside in certain places? | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's ridiculous. | |
| I'll tell you how I feel about the fucking law right now. | ||
| I don't know why I got in this mood. | ||
| The other night, like I told you, I just got dumb. | ||
| I was in San Francisco doing the Woody Allen movie, which actually Louis C.K. is in also. | ||
| What is the movie? | ||
| Tell us about the movie. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| He doesn't like it. | ||
| It's a heavy role. | ||
| It's the heaviest dramatic role I've ever played in my life. | ||
| And, you know, doing scenes with Cate Blanchett. | ||
| Like, you're standing there going, I can't believe I'm even working with this person. | ||
| Like, how the fuck did this happen? | ||
| They kicked me out. | ||
| I got banned from every studio there was. | ||
| You know, I made sure to just destroy my career. | ||
| But you didn't. | ||
| You didn't. | ||
| You never did. | ||
| Because you were always funny. | ||
| You never really destroyed it. | ||
| You were always funny. | ||
| You just went through this weird hiatus where people didn't appreciate you as much. | ||
| Well, it was a hiatus to bring my kids up, and who doesn't like that? | ||
| Fuck them, because they're not parents. | ||
| But the thing is, talking about the smoking, with the night we got done, me and Max, we were staying at the Four Seasons, went to this four-star restaurant to celebrate, had some champagne-type stuff, and at the end of the meal, I just lit up a cigarette... | ||
| In the middle of this restaurant. | ||
| And Max is looking at me going, Dad, we're in a restaurant. | ||
| I go, it's alright. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| There's hardly any people. | ||
| And then the waiter comes over after a few minutes. | ||
| I go, can you do me a favor? | ||
| Get me an ashtray? | ||
| And he's looking. | ||
| He goes, oh, you can't smoke in here. | ||
| I'm done with it. | ||
| Should I put it on the floor or get a glass of water? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, and it just felt good to have a cigarette in a restaurant again. | ||
| Well, as a non-smoker, I gotta tell you, that shit's disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not in a restaurant, but outside. | |
| In a restaurant, it's fucking completely disgusting. | ||
| Outside, I couldn't hear less. | ||
| Yeah, but it was a big restaurant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, outside, I wouldn't like it if there was like 10 people blowing smoke in front of my kids. | ||
| But, you know, I mean, it depends on where you're at. | ||
| The only place I light up now and then is in a mall. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I don't feel they should have that law, and I'm diced, and people know I smoke, so they should just leave me the fuck alone. | ||
| Well, with all these new laws that are being passed, that's probably terrorism. | ||
| They could probably taser you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like it inside. | |
| You know, out of all this shit about yesterday's podcast, the thing that I've been getting the most shit about is tasering. | ||
| I said that some guy runs in the field, and fucking cops are trying to chase him. | ||
| I'm like, the cop could blow his fucking knee out. | ||
| You could blow a disc trying to tackle some dude. | ||
| I'm like, if you think it's not a big deal to tackle a dude who's trying to get away from you, you never really tackle a dude who's trying to get away from you. | ||
| Yeah, and not knowing if that dude has weapons on him. | ||
| Sure, you can break parts of your body. | ||
| And tasering looks fun. | ||
| I saw it in Hangover. | ||
| If you want to run out on a field and fuck with a game in front of two million people and all the assholes, you know, yeah. | ||
| I think you should be tased and raised. | ||
| And it's a safe way to take somebody down if you're a cop. | ||
| Sorry, dickhead. | ||
| Sorry, dickhead. | ||
| Fuck him, too. | ||
| Fuck him, too. | ||
| When somebody's trying to break into his house and a cop tases him, he'll be thanking his fucking ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I don't know who said it, but fuck that. | ||
| Silly criminal. | ||
| Silly criminal. | ||
| Everybody looking, let's point a finger, oh, the cop did this, or this one thing. | ||
| Yeah, you be in those neighborhoods and want to have to get home to your kids that night. | ||
| You do what you got to do. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Well, I think a lot of them have a massive... | ||
| So it's a lot better than shooting somebody. | ||
| Yeah, I think a lot of them have massive amounts of pressure built up that we can't even understand. | ||
| As a person who doesn't have to deal with violent crime on every fucking daily basis, we don't know what kind of build up those guys have. | ||
| And by the way, I think it should be fucking mandatory that they should actually learn how to fight. | ||
| You know, I've met dudes who are cops, and I met them in jujitsu class on their first day. | ||
| And I'm like, holy shit, son. | ||
| You're a white belt and you're a cop? | ||
| You better learn how to strangle some fucking people. | ||
| Someone might want to try to take your gun. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| That can happen. | ||
| You better learn how to fight, bitch. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| You're going to go out there with a gun and a fucking target and you don't even know how to fight. | ||
| I don't know how much they teach them. | ||
| I don't know how much it's dedicated to hand-to-hand combat, but that should be your whole job. | ||
| Hand-to-hand combat and how to hold onto your gun. | ||
| That should be like all your training. | ||
| Joey, the violence. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| I'm just aware. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just aware that there's some crazy motherfuckers out there. | |
| Let's talk about showbiz a little. | ||
| You just did the theater in, where were you just? | ||
| Denver, the Paramount Theater in Denver. | ||
| Yeah, it was fucking awesome. | ||
| And how was that for you? | ||
| Oh, it was tremendous. | ||
| Because I like interviewing you too. | ||
| Oh, it was amazing. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Because now you're doing these big theaters, which is all from everything you've been working on. | ||
| It's all from this podcast. | ||
| So people should know how great this podcast is and what you can do for yourself. | ||
| You know, because my whole thing has always been about accomplishment in life. | ||
| And look what you're doing now. | ||
| I mean, you know, five years ago, I think you were still in clubs. | ||
| Now you're doing these big theaters. | ||
| Just two years ago, I was mostly doing clubs. | ||
| And that's commendable. | ||
| I mean, you're doing two, three, four thousand theaters now. | ||
| And that's because it is, because you're putting the work in. | ||
| I'm proud of you. | ||
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I mean, I had done some theaters in the past. | ||
| Besides breaking limbs on cops, in between you go and do concerts, and that's a good thing. | ||
| I just want to help the cops. | ||
| No, I know you don't. | ||
| I know a lot of cops in MMA. I know a lot of cops because of jujitsu. | ||
| When people shit on cops, I've always been one to defend cops. | ||
| That's a really, really hard job. | ||
| I've talked to people. | ||
| I've heard horror stories, guys that are on the job. | ||
| And they're not trying to be assholes, but if you lived a life where your job, all day, people were lying to you. | ||
| All day, people lying to you and trying to get away with shit. | ||
| That's like most of the time. | ||
| If you're talking to somebody, they're lying to you. | ||
| When I was growing up, there were three things. | ||
| I either wanted to be doing what I'm doing now, a cop or an attorney. | ||
| You know how I changed my mind on being a cop? | ||
| When I would take the train in Brooklyn every day into Manhattan, what pricks people were just to fucking take a seat. | ||
| How they would just knock you out of the fucking way. | ||
| I go, I don't want to protect these motherfuckers. | ||
| I want to kill them. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So that changed my mind on that. | ||
| You know, and the attorney, well, let's face it, my schooling just wasn't up to par. | ||
| But he's good at mitigating. | ||
| Yeah, I can dissect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, he can dissect. | |
| Don't fight with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's horrible. | |
| Yeah, no, I know how to break it down like an attorney. | ||
| Even when my kids, when they were really little, used to have, like, an argument. | ||
| I'd take them in the living room, and I'd sit them down, and I'd go, okay, we're gonna have the trial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was horrible. | |
| Oh, remember with the bathroom rack? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The broken thing? | |
| In my bathroom, in the house that I let... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eleanor. | |
| Eleanor. | ||
| I'm Eleanor. | ||
| Ellery, stay at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Eleanor. | ||
| Eleanor. | ||
| Valerie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eleanor. | |
| All right. | ||
| Sometimes I call her Valinor and she's Ellery. | ||
| It gets fucked up. | ||
| So there was this towel rack in my bathroom. | ||
| And one day, you know, near the shower, I come in and it's broken. | ||
| So, you know, I go to Max, I go to Dylan, I go, well, who broke the rack? | ||
| Nobody's admitting it. | ||
| So now the trial has to happen. | ||
| You know, and I just break down where they were, what they were doing. | ||
| Dylan was like so mad. | ||
| It's still going on. | ||
| The trial's still going on. | ||
| It's eight years later. | ||
| I'm going to get to the bottom of it, and then the punishment will happen. | ||
| Because I'll break their towel rack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I like that Max is staying quiet about it. | |
| He's not ratting on his brother and he's not saying he didn't. | ||
| Well listen, because it might be Max. | ||
| First of all, Max, he knows he's got a great roll of the dice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, literally. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| You've got a great roll of the dice in life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| I mean, your father is Andrew Dice Clay. | ||
| That's a fucking... | ||
| You're already on Awesome Street from the jump. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| What does your dad do? | ||
| Oh, my dad? | ||
| Oh, nothing. | ||
| Just Andrew Dice Clay. | ||
| You might have heard of him. | ||
| No, but you can't put it that way because I always brought them up that I am dad. | ||
| Yeah, but you are. | ||
| No, look, you are. | ||
| And you are very humble and you're very normal. | ||
| But you're still Andrew motherfucking Dice Clay. | ||
| And when you grow up having Andrew Dice Clay as a dad, that's pretty sweet. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| That's not, you know, your dad. | ||
| But now they're preparing. | ||
| They're doing the special with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Yeah, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Red Man. | |
| I saw them do Red Man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Red Man? | ||
| They did your show in Vegas. | ||
| Well, that's the rehearsal. | ||
| By the way, how great is the Riviera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you love it? | |
| It's a goddamn, like, it's like a cultural experience. | ||
| We love the showroom. | ||
| They haven't changed those pictures in the walls in forever. | ||
| They have these photos from the Riviera from the 50s, the 60s, the 70s, the 80s. | ||
| I mean, it's like a history lesson. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| What a great place. | ||
| That's why I like playing in those older hotels. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| So much character there. | ||
| And the showroom still has that feel of like if you were in there. | ||
| They actually shot Casino in that hotel. | ||
| Did they really? | ||
| Yeah, the movie Casino. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of it. | |
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You know, I stayed in the casino room when... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sharipa? | |
| Yeah, Steve Sharipa used to book it. | ||
| Yeah, because you used to stay upstairs in the two-bedroom. | ||
| I'll put you in the Sinatra room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the two-floor room. | |
| Joey, I got you in the Sinatra room. | ||
| Sharipa. | ||
| Sharipa's the greatest. | ||
| He was the best. | ||
| What a fucking great guy. | ||
| He was running the Riviera. | ||
| He would do all the comedy from the Riviera. | ||
| He was so fun. | ||
| I would so look forward to hanging out with him. | ||
| But man, you do not fuck with that guy, man. | ||
| I've seen that guy snap on people. | ||
| Holy shit, with some asshole. | ||
| Threw his cigarette on the carpet. | ||
| And Sharipa, Sharipa's a big fucking guy. | ||
| He got him. | ||
| Hey, asshole! | ||
| Pick that fucking butt up! | ||
| You do this shit in your house in front of your mother? | ||
| You fucking piece of shit, pick it up! | ||
| Get the fuck out of here! | ||
| He's a giant fucking guy. | ||
| He's a giant guy and he brought it to 10 immediately. | ||
| You could not be an asshole around Sharipa. | ||
| I love people with a short fuse. | ||
| Well, you can tell Sharipa has seen some real live violence. | ||
| He kicks it up to a level that lets you know. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's not a faker's level. | ||
| That's a level. | ||
| He's willing to take it to a dark place. | ||
| A dark place right quick. | ||
| I know... | ||
| I can always smell dudes who are just ready to take it to DEFCON 4. DEFCON 4. And Sherpa's one of those. | ||
| You know, I want to fuck with that guy. | ||
| That's no bullshit. | ||
| He's a great guy, though. | ||
| I never had a problem with him. | ||
| I always loved talking to him. | ||
| He's such a fun guy. | ||
| He's a hilarious guy. | ||
| He could have easily done stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's doing it now. | |
| He should be doing it. | ||
| He could have easily been doing it. | ||
| Some people start late. | ||
| You know, I had this great talk with Sherpa when he was on Sopranos. | ||
| Like... | ||
| You know, almost like the talk we had years ago, only about, like, why aren't you setting yourself up for, like, an ABC sitcom? | ||
| He was perfect for it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, to play a father. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And now Eleanor's telling me, well, he's first doing it now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I mean... | |
| Now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's doing a lot of stuff. | |
| Because I thought he was, you know, even though he played a gangster on Sopranos... | ||
| You could see he's not a gangster. | ||
| You could see he could be a regular, nice guy. | ||
| Well, the guy that he played was really demure. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| He's a really good actor for playing that part like that. | ||
| I mean, Tom Green didn't do stand-up until I told him when we did Apprentice. | ||
| I go, so you're going to hit the road? | ||
| I figured he did stand-up. | ||
| He goes, I don't do stand-up. | ||
| I go, What the fuck are you doing on the show then? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What are you trying for here? | ||
| And then he started the stand-up. | ||
| Right after that, he started and never came home. | ||
| People are scared of stand-up. | ||
| Some people don't like it. | ||
| Well, it's a scary art. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I've got to be honest. | ||
| I'm a week away from shooting this special. | ||
| And I know I know my shit down pat now, but you start thinking, do I really know it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because once you're out there, you're alone. | ||
| It's you in the audience, and that's what it's about. | ||
| Do you do one show or two shows when you film a special? | ||
| I'm going to tape two shows. | ||
| I really only wanted to do one, but Showtime wanted me to do the two because I'd rather have my back against the wall and have to come out swinging because I feel like I've been a fighter waiting in the cage to go fight. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| This is two years in the making, this special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it is a New Year's Eve special. | ||
| And, you know, I should say where I'm doing it. | ||
| We're doing it in Chicago. | ||
| What's the theater? | ||
| The Arcada Theater. | ||
| The Arcada Theater. | ||
| It's on sale now. | ||
| A-R-C-A-D-A Theater. | ||
| And it's actually going to be my last special. | ||
| It's going to be cool. | ||
| And not because I'm an old man. | ||
| I'm going to tour. | ||
| And, you know, I got other plans for movies. | ||
| And I got a book coming out by... | ||
| Not this year. | ||
| Into the early part of next year. | ||
| There's a lot I gotta do. | ||
| I just want to really do one more special that I feel I really owe myself and fans and really just fucking bang them over the head with this shit. | ||
| And, you know, just go out and win it. | ||
| Can I make a prediction? | ||
| I'm going to make a prediction. | ||
| All right. | ||
| The special that you're doing, this upcoming special in Chicago at the Arcata Theater, will create the resurgence that will make it impossible for you to not do another special. | ||
| Because when people realize how funny what you're doing is, when people realize, when people are starting to remember how fucking funny and hilarious some of your shit was, and when we went to see that special, or whatever you did, what version of you did in Vegas, that version is going to kick people's dick right in the dirt. | ||
| That shit was fucking funny. | ||
| That's why I talk about my respect for you as a comic, because you're in that thing that I'm in. | ||
| The kind of comedy you do, whatever we call our genre, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Balls out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Balls out. | |
| When you say it to me, I believe you. | ||
| Oh, you know what I mean? | ||
| You heard me laughing. | ||
| We were dying. | ||
| I'm telling you, the things you're doing and what I'm doing, we've got to team up. | ||
| We've got to do some shows. | ||
| I would love to do some shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Just me and you. | ||
| When I was an open-miker, dude, I used to listen to your cassette. | ||
| Your cassette in my fucking car. | ||
| I would listen to it on the way to gigs. | ||
| And I told you, I'll never forget this guy, Mike Donovan. | ||
| In the back of the Comedy Connection in Boston, crying, laughing, tears coming down his eyes, crying, laughing, listening to your The Day the Laughter Died, doing your impression of doing Nixon in a girl's ass, and he's crying, laughing, and I'll never forget that. | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| That was, to me, as an up-and-coming comedian, I was just starting on, and I was listening to this established Boston comedian just laughing. | ||
| He was going, ah! | ||
| He was fucking crying. | ||
| Tears were coming down his eyes. | ||
| It was so silly to him. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| Well, the thing is, you have that effect, too, and that's why we'd be great together. | ||
| And it's funny. | ||
| Anytime I want to do shows with what we'd call headliner stars, it's always hard because of... | ||
| Like egos, who goes on after who, and I'm like, you know, just like we talked about fighting last time, that you'd be the only guy in comedy I wouldn't want to fight, because there's no way to walk away a winner in something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I would fight him. | |
| No, I wouldn't fight him. | ||
| I mean, if I had to, I mean, if you push the buttons. | ||
| Eleanor would be like a wild cat in the room. | ||
| But nobody's going home saying, I didn't get hurt. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So he's that guy. | ||
| So it would be the same thing if we were working together. | ||
| Like he would be the only guy that I'm going, you know what? | ||
| If he's got to close the show, let him close the show because he's a fucking animal. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You know, most comics can't go on after me. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| So I don't even know how it would work, but either way it would be fine by me. | ||
| I would do it any way and I would be honored. | ||
| It would be so fun. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying, I don't know if I want to go on after you. | ||
| Because you really, you know, when you get that first shot at the crowd, it's like you don't have the pressure to close the show. | ||
| That happened when I did a show with that fucking Bill Maher, this asshole. | ||
| That, you know, and I wanted to do the show. | ||
| This is the last time, you know, I did over, you know. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| 300 arena shows, okay? | ||
| No, I'm going to tell you what happened. | ||
| I did over 300 arena shows, right? | ||
| This is before computers. | ||
| This is before hard ticket sales. | ||
| So, in 2000, when I was going back to the garden, you know, I was thinking, who could open that show for me? | ||
| And I saw a special from Bill Maul. | ||
| When he does his regular stand-up, he's a filthy, dirty pig like I am on stage, okay? | ||
| So I call Bill and I say, you know what? | ||
| You've always been great with me. | ||
| You know, when I come on your politically incorrect show, whether it was on MTV or ABC, whenever he did it, I would always do it and he was great. | ||
| So I said, so why don't you do, I went back to the garden in 2000, I said, why don't you do the garden with me? | ||
| And he goes, well, I'm not an opening act. | ||
| I go, I'm not calling you as an opening act. | ||
| I go, I'm calling, we'll co-headline. | ||
| Everything's equal. | ||
| And the bottom line, he was afraid to do it, I could tell. | ||
| And so we decide, I said, we'll go somewhere else in the country and see how it works. | ||
| So we pick Phoenix, the celebrity theater in Phoenix. | ||
| So I'm going to close the show, right? | ||
| Jim Norton's going to open it. | ||
| I'm going to go on at the end and Bill will go on after Norton. | ||
| So two days before the show, my agent calls me up and he's like, I got a call from his people saying he wants to close the show. | ||
| And I just said, you know what? | ||
| That's up to him. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I go, all these fucking guys are the same. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| I go, if he wants to go on after me, let him go on after me. | ||
| Good luck, bitch. | ||
| Well, no, I'm going to tell you what happened. | ||
| So the night of the show, you know... | ||
| I'm already on stage, you know, because Norton went up, and now, like I'm telling you, I feel no pressure to close the show. | ||
| So I do the kind of, I go fucking nuts. | ||
| And Bill actually shows up as I'm doing the show. | ||
| And he sees this crowd going fucking ballistic. | ||
| So now, it's time for him to go on. | ||
| And, you know, he sets up on the stage, he sets up on the stage a music stand with cardboard notes of his act. | ||
| So now he's brought on stage. | ||
| He's brought on stage. | ||
| I'm behind the curtain watching. | ||
| And he freezes. | ||
| I mean, really freezes. | ||
| He doesn't talk. | ||
| And I'm back there going, fucking say something! | ||
| You know, like I'm... | ||
| He gets booed off the stage in four fucking minutes. | ||
| Now he's in his dressing room doing whatever he's doing to relax himself. | ||
| So he had only gone on stage for four minutes? | ||
| Four minutes. | ||
| He comes off, but now the promoter comes. | ||
| He goes, I don't want to give money back. | ||
| We've got to get this guy back on stage. | ||
| So I go in the dressing room. | ||
| I'm talking to him as he's doing whatever he's doing. | ||
| And I said, Bill, you know, it's rock and roll comedy, man. | ||
| Just go out there. | ||
| And he starts going up the steps and he starts screaming, I'm a fucking monologist! | ||
| And I want to look at him and go, well, what the fuck am I? Because I'm in a leather room, not a monologist? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You know, so he goes on and maybe a third of the crowd is left, right? | ||
| And this asshole, after every joke, they're like, the audience is taking pot shots. | ||
| You fucking suck! | ||
| Asshole! | ||
| And then you see him run to the camera that he was filming at set to get the tape. | ||
| Because I would have loved to have that fucking tape. | ||
| And after the show, he's making all the excuses. | ||
| And I want to say, asshole, why on earth would you ever want to follow a guy that's done the fucking Rose Bowl? | ||
| You're not that kind of fucking performer. | ||
| But I let him off the hook because he was fucking frazzled and he was just trying to save face. | ||
| But he's a fucking douchebag. | ||
| That's a terrible ego move. | ||
| When I see him on his show with the Politically Incorrect, I look at him like, yeah, we really know who you are, don't we? | ||
| That's how I look at this guy. | ||
| Like, you got no fucking chops. | ||
| You just got no fucking chops. | ||
| But see, I would do a show with you knowing you're going in front of me, knowing you're going to fucking kill him, because that just brings me up. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Now I got to ride. | ||
| It's just like doing this movie, I'm up against Alec Baldwin, Cate Blanchett, Sally Hawkins. | ||
| These are fucking Academy nominees, Golden Globe winners. | ||
| And I'm going, you're just going to have to rise to the fucking occasion. | ||
| The better the actor, the better my work's gonna be. | ||
| The same thing with the better... | ||
| Like, Norton was probably the best opening act I ever had as a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me. | |
| I got you. | ||
| Because I will say, Eleanor, to me, is the best female stand-up in the country. | ||
| She just needs that exposure now. | ||
| But Norton would come on and fucking slay the crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Every time, all fucking day long. | ||
| He's the only show I went to over the last four years to just sit and go to the show and watch him work. | ||
| And I sat through two shows and he was just great. | ||
| Yeah, I saw him in Austin. | ||
| He was fucking phenomenal. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great, great... | ||
| He's one of the great comics of today, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yes, definitely. | ||
| And again, it's the same sort of ridiculous fucking over-exaggerated, hilarious kind of stand-up comedy. | ||
| Very, very dirty, very out there... | ||
| But, you know, it's a fucking legitimate art form. | ||
| It really pisses me off when guys like you or guys like Norton or anybody who does something that's particularly dirty or crass, whatever, that it doesn't get as much respect. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| They say it's easy to do. | ||
| Well, no, this is my point. | ||
| They're denying that it's hilarious. | ||
| They're trying to pretend like, well, the other way is harder to do, so it's better. | ||
| Well, that's not true. | ||
| Just because it's harder to make something clean and clever It doesn't mean it's better. | ||
| No, it's not better. | ||
| Because guess what? | ||
| The dirty stuff makes me laugh. | ||
| It doesn't mean I don't have intellectual interest. | ||
| Let me tell you... | ||
| When it comes to comedy, that shit is a legitimate fucking art form. | ||
| I was just at a... | ||
| You know, like I said, I've been going all over the country preparing the specials. | ||
| I was just at Governors. | ||
| And you know Governors. | ||
| You've been there. | ||
| Everybody's been there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The best. | |
| But everybody's been there. | ||
| Great club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| So after the show, the owners, Mark and James, they say to me, we voted you tonight the biggest laughs that ever happened in this room. | ||
| So I don't care, dirty, clean, the biggest laughs that ever happened. | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| And that's the bottom line, laughing. | ||
| And let me tell you something about dirty humor. | ||
| It's not so dirty when you're talking about everything that goes on in life in a comedic, cartoonish way. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, Eleanor became great because she's facing the hardest crowds to face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I would think your crowds are the other hardest crowds to face. | ||
| You have animal audiences, real people, blue-collar people coming to see you perform. | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're hardcore. | |
| I mean, the first time she worked at Westbury with me, she got booed off. | ||
| Why do you always have to bring that? | ||
| No, because what I admired about it is she was really green. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You took a 15 minute intermission. | |
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut your mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You took a 15 minute intermission. | |
| I am trying to say something nice about you. | ||
| Defend my honor. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I am defending. | ||
| But the fact that she was doing comedy three months and had the balls to face that fucking crowd was where I gave her the respect. | ||
| And now she goes out and she just slays the crowd because they've been the hardest crowds. | ||
| It's like basic training when you open for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because they don't want you. | |
| They don't want to hear you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They want to hear him. | |
| That's it. | ||
| Well, you know what's funny? | ||
| Because of the podcast, all the people that work with me on the road are all my friends from the podcast. | ||
| It's all Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir and Duncan Trussell and Brendan Walsh. | ||
| I love Trussell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He loves Duncan. | |
| I love Duncan. | ||
| The fucking puppet. | ||
| The puppet, the little hobo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How funny is that? | |
| When he does that thing with the thing and they say like, Pink Floyd, wish you were here. | ||
| Yeah, with the fucking prayer. | ||
| Oh, that's genius. | ||
| One night he did it. | ||
| I wanted to fucking throw him such a beating because he didn't put his heart into it. | ||
| And I sat there through the whole fucking act waiting for the puppet to turn into the devil, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope Duncan's listening. | |
| With the prayer and see people running from the showroom. | ||
| And he didn't do it the way I wanted. | ||
| And I was like, I fucking told you, do the fucking prayer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're talking. | |
| I go, if I'm going to sit in a room and watch you, I want to see the fucking prayer. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I learned my whole act, Eleanor, going on stage at two in the morning, two in the fucking morning. | ||
| People are sleeping on their fucking table. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And that's how you... | ||
| I even tell Max that. | ||
| I go, when you play these places like Marty's and there's five people... | ||
| Who gives a fuck about who's sitting there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree with that. | |
| That's true. | ||
| Just work your bits because if you can work the silence, the laughs are going to be easy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and Kennison were on every night, back to back, between 1 and 2 in the morning. | ||
| We were the last two acts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's normally when I go on, too. | |
| This is before you ever came out to LA. And the crowd, whoever was there, walked out knowing they saw something special. | ||
| You know, it wasn't just one after the other. | ||
| Well, my parents, who gives a fuck if they live a dog? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| You know, doing a real fucking... | ||
| Like my son Max, when he's putting bits together. | ||
| You know, certain things when I do on stage are very like... | ||
| You know, out there, and it's just for the effect of making them laugh. | ||
| And other things, like when I talk about these new generation pigs and how they are, you know, the generation... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How you want them. | |
| You know, years ago, like, I always knew what slobs women were in bed. | ||
| Right, Eleanor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, because... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was weird. | |
| Here she is. | ||
| You know, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just put that right on me. | |
| But, you know, 20 years ago, they didn't want to admit to the pigs that they are. | ||
| Today, they're so aggressive... | ||
| It's so much material to talk about on stage. | ||
| Like, when I get a friend calling me and going, so I went out with this girl, I wind up doing everything to her, that when I banged her ass, she looked at me and said, I used to be really good at this. | ||
| I'm thinking, what, taking a jiffy lube? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The guy is like, no, because a girl 20 years ago would never look back at you and say, I used to be good at this. | ||
| No, at anything. | ||
| They would just, if they even did that, they wouldn't even talk about it. | ||
| Today, they're almost giving you a fucking checklist of what they will and won't do, and you feel like the chick. | ||
| That the next day, after you've done everything to them, my friend's going, so I call the girl, you know, the call to say, how you doing today? | ||
| She's going, I'll call you back in a few, and it's been three fucking days. | ||
| Like, she did everything and couldn't care less about it. | ||
| That sounds It sounds like a dude who didn't fuck her correctly. | ||
| No, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Possibly. | |
| Let me tell you something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He missed something. | |
| He didn't follow the GPS properly. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I went to a fucking ton of them between Eleanor and Valerie. | ||
| You know, just one after the other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're not a ton. | |
| Load after fucking load. | ||
| I'm not even doing material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you mean in between us. | |
| It just sounds like in between Eleanor and meeting my wife, it was a revolving door. | ||
| You know, that even Max nearly got to bang one of them. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Which was ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I set him up with some people. | |
| It was good. | ||
| No, but what I'm saying is, so I saw what was out there. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| You know, they really do that. | ||
| I don't care how good you are in bed. | ||
| A girl could just bang a guy and the next day forget it. | ||
| Like we used to do, have a one night stand. | ||
| That's how they look at it now. | ||
| It's definitely a different world. | ||
| It's a harder world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please. | |
| It's a different world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please. | |
| The age of information. | ||
| Because of the fact that they can get on their phone and watch someone take it in the ass. | ||
| They grew up on porn. | ||
| And you can't stop them. | ||
| You can't stop them. | ||
| They grew up on fucking porn. | ||
| Girls today at 19 feel if they didn't post a picture of their asshole lips on the internet, they're not as hip as their fucking girlfriends are. | ||
| It's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know how they say being 40 years old? | |
| Now I know what my new profile picture will be. | ||
| Being 40 years old is like the new 30. I think anybody who says that's an asshole. | ||
| No, but you know how they do that? | ||
| Like green is the new blue? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The asshole has become the new pussy. | |
| It's the new fucking pussy. | ||
| It's like, come on, what happened to the pussy? | ||
| Because they blow it out of control. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I guess people don't want to get pregnant. | ||
| They blow it out of control, Joey. | ||
| They blow it out of... | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| They want to fuck and they don't want to get anybody pregnant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but that's disgusting. | |
| I don't want to get pregnant. | ||
| It's too bad there's not an extra vagina. | ||
| It's like you have a baby making vagina and then, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's 2012. All you got to do is take that pill right after. | |
| And then the asshole would just leave it alone. | ||
| But we wouldn't even leave it alone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Morning after pill. | |
| Oh, the morning after pill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a thousand of those on my dresser. | |
| Oh, how dare you. | ||
| Fucking Eleanor. | ||
| Fucking Eleanor's got a big date. | ||
| She's got a big date set in Vegas now. | ||
| Eleanor's going to be opening the show in Chicago. | ||
| We've got to talk about that. | ||
| I'm very excited about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we have L.A. Rocks. | |
| Yeah, the band's going to be opening up the show also in Chicago. | ||
| Max kicks that baritone down a couple of notches when he gets on the mic. | ||
| LA Rocks. | ||
| Kids got presents! | ||
| We just picked up the drum skin, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just got the drum skin a few minutes ago. | |
| The first official LA Rocks drum skin. | ||
| I think it's so cool that you have this show where you, you know, it's like you're traveling with family, you know, and I think that's a really important aspect of the road, and that's one of the things that's made it big for me, is that when I do these shows, like with Joey Diaz, or with Duncan Trussell, these guys are my family. | ||
| They're my friends. | ||
| We've been friends for a decade plus, and we always will be. | ||
| So when we go on the road together, it's just... | ||
| It's your family. | ||
| It's our It's no headaches. | ||
| It's no headaches. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| But you don't want to hassle. | ||
| I mean, how long do I know you now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, like almost 19 years. | |
| Almost 20 years. | ||
| For the folks who don't know, Eleanor was the funniest waitress ever at the comedy store. | ||
| And everybody tried to talk to you. | ||
| I don't know if I tried to talk you into doing stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure I must have. | |
| Joe, I was engaged to this fucking girl, right? | ||
| And I would tell her... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's an awesome way to say it. | |
| Do you know where he asked me to marry him? | ||
| In the fucking parking lot of the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| You know why? | ||
| You know why? | ||
| This is what happens, right? | ||
| We break up. | ||
| We're broken up for six weeks, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Why? | ||
| Now I get the call because I was having all these fights at the comedy store for like about six, seven months. | ||
| I was under a lot of pressure from the ex-wife with the kids and everything going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kids are fine. | |
| We have a blast together. | ||
| If somebody fucked with me, I would get physical. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You know, that was one time I was kicking this guy's head in the front of the store, the cops, it was crazy. | ||
| So now, fucking Dom Herrera... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, hey, hey. | |
| No, shut up. | ||
| See what I mean? | ||
| She goes, hey, hey, hey. | ||
| Yeah, you guys had like a confrontation. | ||
| No, no, but Dom has always been, you know, since the day I took off, it was always... | ||
| And I love Dom as a comic. | ||
| He's one of the great comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| But he would always bring up that I'm Jewish. | ||
| Like a Jew can't be good looking from Brooklyn and have a fucking attitude if he's not Italian, right? | ||
| So he would go on radio shows and say my last name. | ||
| Why are you bringing this up? | ||
| No, I'm telling you what happened. | ||
| But Eleanor's really great friends with Dom, which is fine. | ||
| As am I. But now one night, you know, I've had a couple things happen with Dom where he did this Jew thing and I'd have to get in his face and straighten him out. | ||
| But without violence, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So now a couple years goes by. | ||
| Now I'm on stage in the original room, just working on material on a Monday night. | ||
| I'm not on for more than 15 minutes. | ||
| And here comes Dom, and I want to make fun of him. | ||
| And he's going, when are you going to be done? | ||
| He's interrupting me now. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| You don't interrupt somebody that's done what I've done. | ||
| We're not at the Comedy Factory outlet anymore. | ||
| You're not even in my fucking league. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I go, Dom, do yourself a favor. | ||
| Get out of the room. | ||
| I'm trying to help you here. | ||
| And he keeps going. | ||
| And I said, you know what? | ||
| You want me to come off stage? | ||
| I'm coming off the fucking stage. | ||
| And I come after him. | ||
| And I get him at the front booth at a comedy store. | ||
| And he makes the mistake of touching me. | ||
| And I slam him against the wall. | ||
| His head breaks a fucking one of the 8x10s on the wall. | ||
| And I'm going to bash his face. | ||
| But Ari jumps on me. | ||
| And Steve Renazizi jumps on me. | ||
| And Steve Simone jumps on me. | ||
| And then this fucking asshole wants to walk by me and go, I'm funnier than you. | ||
| So now I got to grab him by the back of his jacket. | ||
| I pull him back. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Why the fuck would you even put yourself in the same league with me? | ||
| You're a fucking club hack. | ||
| That's all you are. | ||
| I've played the biggest fucking places in the world. | ||
| Get the fuck out of this place. | ||
| I throw them down the steps, right? | ||
| Well, now I'm in the back and I'm actually angry at her because she has broken up about five fights at the comedy store. | ||
| But Steve Simone, let me finish. | ||
| Let me finish. | ||
| So Steve Simone, I go, where the fuck was Eleanor? | ||
| Because I can't lift my hands to anybody. | ||
| If he didn't touch me, I couldn't have done anything. | ||
| So she goes, she said, let them work it out themselves. | ||
| I did not! | ||
| I'm telling you what the fuck he said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm telling you what the fuck happened. | |
| So now, the next morning, me and Eleanor have the fight over this. | ||
| So, you know, she leaves, slams the door. | ||
| We're broken up. | ||
| Six weeks goes by. | ||
| Now she calls me and says, I'm moving to New York. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| So I'm actually going to pick up Dylan, who's doing Hebrew lessons. | ||
| And me and Max are talking about it. | ||
| And I go, all right, we can't let her leave. | ||
| So I go to the comedy store. | ||
| I said, so let's get married. | ||
| Let's just get married. | ||
| Forget the fight. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So we, you know, we do like an instant, you know, engagement. | ||
| You know, and... | ||
| And that's how we got engaged. | ||
| She's sticking up for Dom. | ||
| That's why I always mean that when you're going with a girl, every comic in the world was calling her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not what it's about. | |
| And I go, look, I'm your fucking guy. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about Dom. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| He's a good comic. | ||
| When it comes to anything between me and you, we're the couple. | ||
| I'm the one on top of you pummeling away every night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to bring that into it? | |
| Not dumb. | ||
| You're not looking at a fucking facet down fucking face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That has nothing to do. | |
| It had a lot to do with it. | ||
| Ask Max. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, time out. | |
| Ask Max. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are you so hyper over this? | |
| I'm not hyper. | ||
| No, I want to fight this out. | ||
| You have to let us fight this out because he started. | ||
| No, first of all, it has nothing to do with that. | ||
| I got a fucking special to talk about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are going through personal shit. | |
| Yes. | ||
| And so it was affecting every night at the store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everything. | |
| Everything. | ||
| And so when I quit, I thought that would be better. | ||
| And then we did live together for a year, but it didn't work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Our engagement's fine. | |
| I'm your sister-wife now. | ||
| No, she's the greatest girl in the world. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| I'm best friends with his wife. | ||
| Yeah, that's so bizarre. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's one of the greatest guys in the world. | |
| He was just literally... | ||
| And he truly is. | ||
| But you know that that's a bizarre scenario. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That I went out with him. | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, first of all, a complete... | ||
|
unidentified
|
My mother's still not over it. | |
| But it's fine. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| On Dice's part. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because it's not easy to score the captain of the cheerleaders. | |
| You want to know something? | ||
| I always thought Eleanor was a nice girl. | ||
| I never made moves towards her. | ||
| And when I actually started coming on to her, all she knew I was happily married with two kids. | ||
| You know, she actually... | ||
| Was babysitting my kids in Vegas when they were like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I babysat once. | |
| No, but how old were they at the time? | ||
| Dylan was how old? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dylan was like two, I think. | |
| Two? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like six. | |
| So Max is six. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, so I mean, you know, I would do anything in the world, Felino. | ||
| We are family. | ||
| I do love family. | ||
| But that's how it came down. | ||
| So I was just aggravated that out of all the arguments and fights I was getting at in the comedy store, that she didn't come back me up on the Irera fight. | ||
| P.S. And nothing against Dom. | ||
| You know, because Dom did have the balls. | ||
| I got a lot of respect from him because after the fight, all of a sudden, here comes Dom into the kitchen, and I'm standing next to Eleanor now, and I'm coming down from the whole thing, and he goes, Dice, I want to talk to you. | ||
| And I'm like, Dom, it's the biggest mistake you can make coming near me now. | ||
| And he kept coming, and in my mind, I'm going, if this guy has the guts to get within arm's reach, I'm going to talk to him. | ||
| And then we talked it out for two hours, and we haven't talked since. | ||
| But anything, it's all good. | ||
| Listen, I love both of you, and I love Dom Arrera like a brother. | ||
| Dom can be a little hostile, though, on occasion, especially if he feels disrespected. | ||
| And let me tell you something, if Dom was a different way, we were on the same special with Rodney. | ||
| See, with Dom, I got a history with Dom, because when I used to do Philly as a struggling comic, I would always headline the Comedy Factory outlet. | ||
| And Dom is from Philly. | ||
| I was from Brooklyn. | ||
| So Clay Heary, who owned the club, would have booked Dom a lot of times to open the show for me. | ||
| So all the way from then to the Rodney special, and then I just blew up from the Rodney special, and he started right away with the, to me, anti-Semitic bullshit. | ||
| Because if he didn't, he would have been the perfect opening act for all those arenas. | ||
| Why did everybody assume that your accent was an Italian thing? | ||
| Because of my look. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When you think of a Jew, you think of Ari. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And Ari knows that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If you are a decent-looking person with an attitude, immediately you're an Italian guy. | ||
| But what was hilarious is, like, what Italian do you know that wears a giant motorcycle jacket with the collar up? | ||
| Like, the whole thing is so cartoonish. | ||
| Well, it's more about the attitude. | ||
| I've always had a certain attitude. | ||
| Right, but it's more of a New York thing than it is an Italian thing, but for whatever reason... | ||
| But people think it in that way. | ||
| Yeah, Italians have clung on to that. | ||
| I would see arguments go on between two men about my mother being Italian. | ||
| And I would go, no, she's Jewish. | ||
| She's my mother. | ||
| I would know. | ||
| And they'd be like, dice. | ||
| And these are like gangster guys going, you don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| This is between me and him. | ||
| But it's my mother. | ||
| I know what my mother is. | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| This is in Brooklyn. | ||
| This was at a flea market that they turned a Sears department store into a flea market. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| So I go there like every Saturday because I love to shop and buy cotton things and, you know, wristbands, sweatshirts, sweat socks. | ||
| I couldn't buy enough of them and it was all booths. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I love going there. | ||
| And this is when I was doing like Nassau Coliseum. | ||
| So people would freak out that I'm there. | ||
| So all these fights would start. | ||
| Because the minute I'd be around guys, they would turn their attitudes on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like they had to like out dice dice. | ||
| It was crazy in Brooklyn for me. | ||
| But I love it. | ||
| Whenever you get around any young men looking to prove themselves and you're a famous. | ||
| These were 50 year olds. | ||
| I was 30. You know what I mean? | ||
| And going, Dice, you don't understand. | ||
| I know your mother for 25 years. | ||
| I go, but I know her since I was born. | ||
| I was bar mitzvahed. | ||
| They cut half my dick off when I was born. | ||
| I had a bris. | ||
| They wanted to claim you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was hysterical. | |
| But it's not like you ever said that you were Italian. | ||
| It's not like anything you ever hid. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's just for whatever reason, they claimed it for a little while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, but he's mocking a cadence in Brooklyn. | |
| They're still claiming it in. | ||
| But you know, I grew up in a neighborhood. | ||
| It was all Jews and Italians. | ||
| That's what I grew up with. | ||
| But the thing that disturbs me is that living in New York, I know a lot of Jews who talk exactly the same way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| You want to know what's funny? | ||
| It's not a thing that only Italians talk. | ||
| You know what's funny, Redmond? | ||
| It was the Irish guys that I'd fight, that would put me in the hospital all the time. | ||
| And then that's what I wind up. | ||
| My ex-wife is Irish. | ||
| Fucking Eleanor is Irish. | ||
| I grew up with a lot of Irish dudes. | ||
| I had a friend who had his finger bitten off in a street fight when he was on PCP and he had his toe cut off to replace the finger and he had it permanently bent so he could keep throwing his right hook. | ||
| So he would shake your hand. | ||
| Well, he was on PCP. He might have cut his own finger off. | ||
| When you would shake your hand, his finger would be like tickling. | ||
| But he was a hell of a boxing coach. | ||
| Joe Lake. | ||
| Shout out to Joe Lake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Lake. | |
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Joey. | ||
| I don't know who he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tremendous guy. | |
| Joey fucking L. I love the Irish. | ||
| Like, if you made a movie about my friend Joe Lake, who's a longshoreman, who was a professional boxer, a great boxing coach, trained a bunch of great boxers, and he was a fucking animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was an animal. | |
| Talking about fighting. | ||
| You don't know psychos like this. | ||
| No, no, I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I do. | |
| My wife, Valerie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Did you just call her a psycho? | ||
| No, no, not psycho, but just to shout out, wear something sexy when you get to Vegas tomorrow, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aw, Valerie. | |
| She gave me a spray tan. | ||
| Well, this is what that was. | ||
| You know what that was? | ||
| That was to make sure that she's listening. | ||
| Did you listen to me? | ||
| No, she didn't listen to me. | ||
| When I said that thing to you, you didn't listen to me? | ||
| No, she likes really putting it together. | ||
| What were you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then we'll break it down. | |
| She likes putting it together. | ||
| You know, the Mexican girls with the colors. | ||
| Oh, fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's really beautiful, by the way. | |
| I met her in Vegas. | ||
| Congrats, sir. | ||
| You've scored. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's really beautiful. | |
| I met her in Vegas, and I was just blown out of the water. | ||
| She's very cool. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It's Dice Clay, bitch. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I respect that compliment. | ||
| It's a good compliment. | ||
| But you didn't say anything dirty about her, like when you walked away? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| You deserve that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a nice guy. | |
| I think you respect. | ||
| You too, Joe, right? | ||
| Never, never. | ||
| You know, because I would never say nothing about yours unless she was beautiful. | ||
| I'm not that type of guy. | ||
| I don't think I ever met your girl. | ||
| No. | ||
| I keep her away from you. | ||
| Are you married? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He has to keep her away from her. | |
| Well, I heard she's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's stunning. | |
| She's a very nice person. | ||
| That's the most important thing, man. | ||
| I've been around pretty girls before that weren't nice. | ||
| Yeah, but they've got to have the substance. | ||
| My wife is sweet. | ||
| She's smart. | ||
| She backs up my career with that. | ||
| I'm doing everything I'm doing because she told me to go do it. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| It's that simple for me. | ||
| In that case, relationships are always worth it. | ||
| So many of us settle for some sort of a weird combination of that and then an enemy that you live with. | ||
| That gets real weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's crazy. | |
| People get real weird with that, man. | ||
| And a lot of times it's unease in your life. | ||
| Even though me and Eleanor broke up, we were never enemies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even when we broke up, we stayed friends. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obviously. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obviously. | |
| I think a lot of fighting between people that you started off getting along good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get animosity. | |
| I just don't like when she interrupts me. | ||
| You know, when I'm around other men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're interrupting him right now. | |
| We're talking. | ||
| We're not interrupting. | ||
| It's called conversation. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| This is how guys do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, guys. | |
| But girls, if you can't talk... | ||
| Yeah, why is it that that's okay with us, but people... | ||
| People listen to the podcast all the time and go, Dyson interrupt you constantly. | ||
| I'm like, you're never going to interrupt it once. | ||
| Not even once. | ||
| We're just talking. | ||
| Yeah, she goes to that high pitch. | ||
| I'll punch you right in the face. | ||
| When you're all talking at the same time, nobody can predict who's going to be talking or something comes in your head, you've got to say it. | ||
| You've got to go with the flow of a conversation, and that includes interrupting people. | ||
| We're not in a David Mamet movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't have to follow a fucking script. | |
| No, I agree with you, but he's saying I can't talk to you because you two are men, and I'm... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's right. | |
| You don't understand me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll throw smoke in your face. | |
| It doesn't bother me that much. | ||
| It bothers me only a little. | ||
| Oh, the smoke bothers you? | ||
| Girls, I can say whatever I want. | ||
| He does it, oddly. | ||
| Because I love them and I'm trying to get them to not... | ||
| I love him too, and we're trying to get him to stop him. | ||
| Well, you need Redman. | ||
| Listen, I love him. | ||
| He's a great friend. | ||
| If we do the road, that's where you break my balls with the cigarettes, because then you'll need me to be healthy. | ||
| Look, I've only hung out with you a few times, and I would sit down and have the conversation with you. | ||
| But I do love you. | ||
| You're a great guy. | ||
| I like being around you. | ||
| I love your act. | ||
| I respect you very much as an artist. | ||
| I think that poisoning your body with cigarettes is a stupid way to die. | ||
| Not only that, the way you die is ugly and slow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody's going to anyway? | |
| You don't understand. | ||
| It's a different way, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's an ugly, slow way. | |
| Why did I start even smoking again? | ||
| I didn't smoke for ten four years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because he quit for ten years. | |
| He made me quit, Joey. | ||
| Remember, I used to smoke. | ||
| When my father was on his last days, I lit up. | ||
| So I'm only smoking a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's no excuse. | |
| It's not about an excuse. | ||
| It's just what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, but I'm not letting you know. | |
| I am going to quit again, but this is not the week it's happening. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| A guy like you, yeah, you know what the fuck is best for you. | ||
| You're not a child. | ||
| Yeah, and I will quit. | ||
| So I would never tell you what to do or what not to do or give you advice. | ||
| But as a person who loves him, and Max as well, we want him to quit. | ||
| No, they're on me with it, but they also understand what I'm going through. | ||
| But also, you know, I gotta respect, Brian said something on the podcast the other day. | ||
| I said, why do you like to smoke? | ||
| And he... | ||
| I love cigarettes. | ||
| Pretty passionate about how great it feels and how much he loves it and how it's great after a meal. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| I've got to respect that. | ||
| As a human being, he's got a right to make a choice. | ||
| It's immediate satisfaction. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm also smart enough. | ||
| That's why I did quit because I just didn't want to smoke anymore. | ||
| And I would hold an unlit cigarette. | ||
| I didn't care if people smoked around me. | ||
| I just got to wean myself off of it again. | ||
| And when I quit, I won't even wean it. | ||
| You know, I'll just quit. | ||
| And that'll be it. | ||
| I bet I would enjoy it. | ||
| I bet I would enjoy the nicotine rush. | ||
| Stephen King said it was one of his biggest cognitive benefits. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| That smoking gave him rather cognitive benefits in that he recognized a big difference when he quit smoking. | ||
| He said his brain was firing slower. | ||
| His creativity wasn't as rampant. | ||
| Which, you know, I'm sure I would like it. | ||
| It's just not the moment, you know, for me right now. | ||
| I like cigars. | ||
| I enjoy cigars. | ||
| You see, and I hate cigars. | ||
| After a fat steak. | ||
| There's nothing like chilling with a cigar after a fat steak. | ||
| Me and Kevin James have murdered some fucking steaks. | ||
| I smoked some fat Cuban cigars before, and it's a pleasure. | ||
| And it's a real buzz, too. | ||
| It's a kind of weird, mellow high. | ||
| It's not a high where you're worried about driving a car or anything like that. | ||
| You have total control of your senses. | ||
| But it's like a... | ||
| It's a reason why people have been smoking cigars forever. | ||
| I take one hit off a cigar, I feel stoned. | ||
| Yeah, it makes you kind of stoned. | ||
| It does make you stoned. | ||
| It does make you high. | ||
| Well, you know, nicotine in its natural form, like in that form of tobacco that you get in a cigar, first of all, it's not as bad for you. | ||
| And second of all, it's used in shamanic rituals. | ||
| They use it in Peru and the Amazon and ayahuasca rituals. | ||
| The shamans will blow the tobacco smoke in your face in the middle of the psychedelic trip to create bigger and broader Psychedelic experiences, like to actually instigate them. | ||
| So it's got psychoactive compounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not smoking cigars. | |
| You know, we had a guy on the podcast. | ||
| It's funny how he knows so much about it, though. | ||
| We had a guy on the podcast named Rob Wolf, who is the author of The Paleo Solution, and he said that people chew nicotine gum, and it really helps their creativity. | ||
| So, like, nicotine itself is probably beneficial in a lot of ways, and almost like a caffeine. | ||
| Like, there's nothing really wrong with it. | ||
| The real problem is a delivery method that's been designed to make sure that you're addicted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the paper. | |
| Well, it's not just the paper. | ||
| It's the chemicals that's mixed into the tobacco that's designed. | ||
| If you've watched the movie The Insider, did you ever watch that movie? | ||
| Russell Crowe? | ||
| Fucking fantastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unbelievable. | |
| Really based on a real story and based on how the tobacco industry has somehow or another conned all these politicians into allowing them to do what they're doing, which is pumping thousands Of fucking different chemicals. | ||
| I think it's 590 actually. | ||
| 590 different chemicals are approved in every cigarette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's what makes it addictive. | |
| It's not thousands but hundreds. | ||
| But that's an insane amount of number of chemicals. | ||
| You think you're getting a cigarette. | ||
| You're getting like this chemically soaked leaf that's dried out. | ||
| It's basically the cigarette burning is inconsequential. | ||
| It's a delivery method for all these chemicals. | ||
| And so you can call it a cigarette. | ||
| And it kind of is. | ||
| But it's also kind of not. | ||
| It's kind of a delivery method for all these 590 different chemicals. | ||
| And most of them designed to make you addicted. | ||
| I don't know why you're not a college professor. | ||
| You have all this information. | ||
| Yeah, but it's just stuff that I've read. | ||
| It's just stuff that I've read. | ||
| Look, I've done no research of my own. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you've read it, and then you've also retained it. | |
| Well, I only retain things that are important to me. | ||
| You can ask me things about things that aren't important to me, and they don't even go in there. | ||
| I have almost like a retard's brain. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| It's very, like, half-broken. | ||
| Like, things that I don't care about, I don't care. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I really don't care. | ||
| Especially once I started making money, I lost all my ability to care about shit I don't care about. | ||
| Like, you know, like, people will call me to get me to do things, and I'm just fucking, I don't answer the phone, I just disappear, I vanish. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| I was trying to call him this week. | ||
| I'd shut my phone off and walk away for days. | ||
| And I could get a text. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| No, but I'd get, like, a text. | ||
| I'd be, you know, let me just call him rather than with the texting. | ||
| And he never picks up. | ||
| No, that was because I was in my car. | ||
| I have a Porsche. | ||
| My Porsche is so loud. | ||
| It's a GT3. It's one of those racing cars. | ||
| So when you drive, it's like... | ||
| So that's what you hear. | ||
| They'll be like, hey, nice! | ||
| So you're doing a podcast. | ||
| It's a really juvenile, asinine car. | ||
| It's a total douchebag car. | ||
| If you look at the guy, you're like, what kind of douchebag needs to drive a car like this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He asked me if I like the Porsche. | |
| That's how I feel about the Challenger. | ||
| Oh, it's a fucking tremendous car. | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| It's a big cock. | ||
| A big American cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What car would get me excited? | |
| It is. | ||
| It's a big American cock. | ||
| What car would get Eleanor excited? | ||
| Cadillac. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know that. | |
| No, but the big Cadillac. | ||
| The Bromes. | ||
| Old school. | ||
| The ones from The Color of Money. | ||
| Paul Newman drove in The Color of Money. | ||
| I gave her one and she ruined it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You shut your face. | |
| I got one as a consolation prize when I left. | ||
| I got a 95 Fleetwood Brougham. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You got one as a consolation prize when you left Dice Enterprises? | ||
| Yeah, I gave it to her and figured she would be adult enough to know how to take care of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
First of all, I would... | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And she would just break it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You broke it. | |
| And you made me cry over it. | ||
| She broke the mirror off the side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did that because you couldn't back up properly. | |
| Ha ha ha. | ||
| You were backing up in the Hollywood house. | ||
| This is the same argument for 10 years. | ||
| I didn't break the mirror. | ||
| I didn't break anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were backing up in the driveway and you got it caught in the eye and you broke it off. | |
| Max, the audience at home is not going to give a fuck about who crashed your old car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, but it was in mint condition, and she just fucking ruined it. | |
| But they can fix that shit. | ||
| Like, she ruins everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ruined it. | |
| If that was my woman, I would say, listen, baby, we're rich. | ||
| Let's just fix this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| No, but it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jono's had to treat a woman. | |
| No, no, but I gave it to her so she'd have something to drive away. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| By the way, those are very difficult to draw. | ||
| You know, that had a big trunk. | ||
| She was able to draw the boxes, you know, that pack up. | ||
| It's a big trunk. | ||
| I love when they roll in this stuff and then they roll it out. | ||
| That's the best part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're such an asshole. | |
| He did film it. | ||
| He did film it, so he filmed me leaving. | ||
| Yeah, I filmed... | ||
| You know, Joe, how I film everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, everything. | |
| So I was like, I know we're breaking up, but I gotta get the shot. | ||
| I really enjoyed when I was working at the Comedy Store, when you would put on these little shows in the back, and it would be for your own amusement, and I was always like, what are we going to do with all this stuff? | ||
| Just for your own amusement, he would have like, okay, now you're going to come running through the door, fuck you, and you yell at him. | ||
| Ari on the skateboard? | ||
| I was shooting a TV show, and I would shoot it while they were open. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I couldn't afford a set. | ||
| But it was all handheld camera and it seemed like a lot of it was just spur of the moment. | ||
| Let me tell you, if you saw it, but it's not. | ||
| I'm really thinking about the episodes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So, you know, I wouldn't tell anybody what they were about. | ||
| I would say, this is what I need. | ||
| And sometimes, like, if we were in the comedy store kitchen, you know, there'd be a waitress that I didn't cast in the show. | ||
| So I would make her get out in the kitchen. | ||
| I'd say, you can't be in the shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, but my dream. | |
| Yeah, I don't care about your drinks. | ||
| I'm trying to get my shot here. | ||
| Like, Eleanor had a fist fight with Wheels in the kitchen one time, where Wheels is smacking her head against me. | ||
| Are you the only guy who employs Wheels these days? | ||
| I don't see Wheels doing stand-up. | ||
| He does his own thing. | ||
| I don't see him. | ||
| I never see him doing stand-up. | ||
| Go to his website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's in... | |
| He's in Vegas now. | ||
| He's in Vegas and he's in the other place. | ||
| Who was responsible for that clip that he used to have where he claimed that he got his stardom and fame after he blew you off stage one night at a club? | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| That's brilliant. | ||
| That's very wheelsy. | ||
| That's very wheelsy. | ||
| Wheels was sort of pushed into things years ago. | ||
| By other people. | ||
| It had nothing to do with him. | ||
| So someone else wrote that for him. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| He was made to do that. | ||
| Wheels told me he was like a professional pool player. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't believe that. | |
| I'm on Joe's side on that. | ||
| We worked in San Diego. | ||
| I said, okay, I play a lot of pool too. | ||
| Joe's an amazing pool player. | ||
| I collect pool cues by famous makers. | ||
| I have a professional table in my house. | ||
| I play in tournaments. | ||
| I play a lot of pool. | ||
| Wills is on the screen. | ||
| Wills tells me that he plays professional pool. | ||
| So I said, well, let's fuck around. | ||
| Just play a dollar a game. | ||
| $25 later, I'm like, dude. | ||
| You can't play pool. | ||
| You can't fucking play pool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He lied! | |
| He can barely make a couple of balls. | ||
| But he's not a professional level pool player. | ||
| No, but he is a professional liar. | ||
| No, let me tell you something. | ||
| Didn't trick me 25 games in. | ||
| By the way, he still owes me that money. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But that's wheels. | ||
| But he's a funny dude to be around. | ||
| He's one of the funniest guys I've ever hung out with. | ||
| And a good dude. | ||
| I don't mean anything bad, but it's a true story. | ||
| You can't fuck with me on the pool table. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't fuck with anybody. | |
| You shouldn't lie about anything. | ||
| Well, that was the most ridiculous shit ever. | ||
| You can't say that you can play good pool. | ||
| When I went to Vegas the last few times, I would be like, Wheels, you want to hang out at night? | ||
| And he goes, I can't because of what I'm doing right now. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| He goes, well, I'm doing the inspirational talks. | ||
| He was hired from some company. | ||
| He put on a suit and tie, five in the morning, he's getting dressed, and show up and do these inspirational talks and get paid for it. | ||
| And he was getting it from the Gary, what's that movie you love? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Glengarry Glen Ross. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where he'd get his monologues from. | ||
| So he'd steal the speech? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| He's a genius. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And make a lot of money doing it. | ||
| How the fuck did anybody not know? | ||
| Then he's got his catering company. | ||
| He's got a catering company called The Cannoli Kings. | ||
| And I heard his catering is very good, by the way. | ||
| Which is gigantic in L.A. And then he'll just move to South Carolina for a year. | ||
| And then I call him up, I go, what's going on? | ||
| He goes, well, we're in Vegas. | ||
| I go, doing what? | ||
| He goes, we moved here. | ||
| And then he opens a comedy club, and then he becomes an inspirational speaker. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're walking down the street, and he's got one of those meat trucks that he started. | ||
| You know, he, you know, Wheels got a couple nicknames. | ||
| One of them is Wheels, one of them is Angles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the Canale Kings in the background. | |
| Here, look, look what you're seeing. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Here he is. | ||
| Here he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| The number one chef in the country. | ||
| Well, he is a good cook, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Self-proclaimed. | |
| He brought some of his food to the comedy store and it's fucking banging. | ||
| It's just so funny. | ||
| He's such a character. | ||
| Look what he's doing. | ||
| He's such a character. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| But he's a very good cook. | ||
| He's a very good cook. | ||
| Whatever the fuck he brought to the comedy store, he brought a bunch of different... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was cocktailing for him at one of the Cannoli King parties. | |
| You shut your face. | ||
| And I was cocktailing and he goes, listen, I was screaming out. | ||
| I go, hey, Wheels, we need more whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, can you call me chef? | |
| I can't call him a chef. | ||
| Yeah, she would work for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you call me a chef? | |
| I'm like, wheels! | ||
| What's wrong with being wheels, man? | ||
| He would do these... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, it's professional. | |
| We're professional. | ||
| So what? | ||
| Joe, he would do these gigantic parties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Technically, he was trying to be professional. | |
| Yeah, but there's nothing wrong with wheels. | ||
| As a professional. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I agree. | |
| No, he's great. | ||
| But not there. | ||
| They don't know he does comedy. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's a little flavor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were working a party that he forgot the salad for. | |
| It was fun. | ||
| He did this party for some black cigarette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was... | |
| Newport. | ||
| Yeah, there's got to be 300 people. | ||
| Oh, black people cigarettes. | ||
| Yeah, but it was... | ||
| Newport are cool. | ||
| Like menthols. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My mom used to smoke cool. | ||
| It was African-Americans. | ||
| There wasn't one white person there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I show up with the camera. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those black people are African-Americans. | |
| Right. | ||
| You know, with the camera just for footage because I'm filming my show. | ||
| And Wheels is like yelling at me, you gotta leave. | ||
| You know, I'm getting paid a lot of money. | ||
| It was raining. | ||
| He was torturing people. | ||
| And I'm going, Wheels, how am I going to get my shot? | ||
| You know, if I don't show up at the party. | ||
| And I'm just filming us with him throwing me out of the party. | ||
| And she's waitressing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not really. | |
| I was just rounding up black girls to surround him because he was taking pictures with them. | ||
| I didn't need your help. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but we... | |
| Trust me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The girls that were doing the show. | |
| Don't fucking hit me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The girls that were doing the show. | |
| Why are you hitting? | ||
| You see, women are always like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I'm violent. | |
| Eleanor, I'm so glad you came. | ||
| It's making this conversation so much more interesting. | ||
| No, because she picks up her hands... | ||
| We're not allowed to hit back because it's fragile. | ||
| If I hit you, you can hit me back. | ||
| Look how she keeps putting her hands on me. | ||
| She knows I hate that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then hit me back. | |
| Tell her, Joe. | ||
| Eleanor, please relax. | ||
| We've got to talk about Dice's special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I know he's like a 10th degree, but I happen to know karate, and I'll kick your ass with him. | ||
| If I have to use karate on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe came to see me wrestle. | |
| I did. | ||
| I went to see a wrestler professionally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He wouldn't go. | |
| Yeah, but I got pissed off at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell him why. | |
| No, because it could ruin, like, the, you know, like, parts. | ||
| Oh, break the bus area. | ||
| Yeah, you know what I mean? | ||
| He could break the bus. | ||
| And I'm like, anything to be on fucking TV, what's wrong with you? | ||
| Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| In Eleanor's defense, me and I, rather, a bunch of people from the comedy store and I went down and we had a great fucking time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| We bought waitresses, comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody. | |
| We had a big group to support Eleanor and she was easy rider. | ||
| She played this motorcycle girl, boxer, sort of type wrestler chick who would crush pool balls in her hands. | ||
| Yeah, but she wants to do dramatic fucking roles. | ||
| And there she is. | ||
| Yeah, but she's having some fun. | ||
| Doing a tumble salt in the ring. | ||
| I think it's better for Eleanor. | ||
| I mean, I've known Eleanor forever. | ||
| I think it's better for her to not take herself seriously. | ||
| You can't take yourself serious. | ||
| But that's your charm. | ||
| Your charm is that you're so ridiculously silly. | ||
| And you're so over the top. | ||
| Eleanor and I used to do this thing. | ||
| I don't think we ever talked about it on the podcast. | ||
| Did we talk about it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The quarters? | |
| Ask her for change. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Joe. | |
| Every time I was just telling Red Band, when I go on stage, people are like, hey, can I record it? | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Listen, I'm not going to finger myself for you. | ||
| It's not happening. | ||
| It was stupidest running gag. | ||
| I would say, this is what it was. | ||
| Dice, I'll explain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You better listen to him. | |
| Listen, I'll explain. | ||
| Dice, Dice, Dice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want me to do it? | |
| Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice. | ||
| I'll explain. | ||
| It's wrong. | ||
| Her apron was on, and this is what we do. | ||
| B would go, hey, I want to get changed for a dollar for the meter. | ||
| Do you have change for a dollar? | ||
| And you go, hold on a second, let me get it. | ||
| And she would dig in her apron and go in this whole routine pretending to masturbate herself to climax. | ||
| And she didn't want anybody coming near her, people would try to rescue her. | ||
| It was fucking hilarious. | ||
| And what was hilarious about it was because it was, look, we did it for years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's funny. | |
| But I'm waiting at home for this idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's comedy. | |
| That tells me, you know, my shift is over at 11.30, but now it's 2 in the morning, and she comes walking in telling me that, you know... | ||
| Well, we never kept her late. | ||
| She was doing that during the show. | ||
| No, but this is the kind of shit she would do. | ||
| And she's helping comics with their personal fucking problems. | ||
| Then I'm like, I don't give a fuck if the guy falls off a cliff. | ||
| I'm waiting here. | ||
| I got a hard-on. | ||
| You know... | ||
| You know, which isn't that easy. | ||
| As a brother comedian, I appreciate that, but as someone who loves hilarious shit, and as someone who is also supportive of the fact that that's one of the reasons why she's a professional comedian now, because we all knew she was so fucking funny. | ||
| This was when she was just a waitress. | ||
| Of course she did, yeah. | ||
| We all knew. | ||
| We all knew. | ||
| No one doubted it. | ||
| We knew you as a waitress, and you would be, like, the funniest person to hang around with backstage. | ||
| And it was ridiculous that you weren't on stage. | ||
| And you would, like, I would always go to Eleanor. | ||
| If anybody knew when on stage, is that kind of funny? | ||
| And she'd go, hack, and, like, walk away. | ||
| And I knew the guys had hacked. | ||
| Hey, watch this. | ||
| Watch it. | ||
| I knew. | ||
| Do Bruce Smianoff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, don't make me do it. | |
| Just do one joke. | ||
| Just do it. | ||
| When Jews are ugly, we win prizes. | ||
| Do Dom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't do Dom. | |
| I can't think of one of Dom's. | ||
| My favorite Dom joke right now is that he adopted an Asian girl to help him with his iPhone. | ||
| No, but do it. | ||
| No, but she knows. | ||
| She's going back as soon as I get these apps down. | ||
| Dom's fucking hilarious. | ||
| But she knows every comic. | ||
| She knows their material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's also a problem. | |
| Because doing my own material, I'm writing. | ||
| I'm like, is that my joke? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or is that somebody else's? | |
| Well, as long as you have that auditing in your own head. | ||
| You know, everybody is going to, especially in the beginning times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, even watching Andrew. | |
| I'm like, I don't want to watch. | ||
| You run the risk of maybe covering something. | ||
| No, we overlap a little. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes. | |
| Oh, this is the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holtzman. | |
| With Holtzman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was the best. | |
| This is back when the OJ thing was happening. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I did this whole thing about Marsha Clark. | ||
| That once she realized this was a big TV shot for her, all of a sudden she'd come into the courtroom with the pumps and the skirt with the slit up the side, walking down the fucking aisle like, I want everybody to stare in this fucking ass and get in here for a while and build her TV career. | ||
| So Holtzman did something kind of similar to the old joke. | ||
| So I come over to him, and I know he's not a thief. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was very similar. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I go, you know, I do that joke. | ||
| And he goes, well, you know, Dice, we overlap. | ||
| And I just started fucking laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, hey, hey, hey. | |
| When a guy says that to you, it's like, just do it. | ||
| It's too funny. | ||
| You know, like when you approach somebody about a joke that's similar, they'll get all defensive. | ||
| It becomes an argument. | ||
| Holtzman's like, well, you know we overlap. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| I just started laughing. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He is hilarious. | ||
| But I agree with that kind of in a certain way. | ||
| Like, Brendan Walsh and I overlap on a fleshlight joke. | ||
| And I know he didn't read. | ||
| I know he wouldn't have seen my bit and then done a similar bit. | ||
| He's not that dude. | ||
| But he had a similar conclusion. | ||
| And I was like, well, that's the obvious thought, you know? | ||
| There you go, yeah. | ||
| If you're intelligent and you're thinking about it, there's a bunch of different ways to approach it. | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| You thought of it, I thought of it. | ||
| His bit's different than my bit, even though it's based on the same premise. | ||
| I felt like that's overlapping. | ||
| It's no big deal. | ||
| We overlap a little, but I don't care. | ||
| Because it's her act. | ||
| Right, and it's what is your particular take on things. | ||
| I want to hear his take on it and someone else's take. | ||
| The only problem is when you hear him in a row. | ||
| The problem is when you hear him like that night in a row. | ||
| Like if he's middling and you're headlining and then he does the bit. | ||
| And then you really can't do the bit because it's kind of... | ||
| It's so similar, you'd have to bring it up. | ||
| Like, you'd go, hey, I want to cover the subject that's already been covered and beaten to death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, exactly. | |
| Yeah, I try to stay away from things. | ||
| Yeah, I would do it in a way, like, at the store where, like, I know what the other guy brought up, but let me tell you something, and then go into it. | ||
| At the store, yeah, at the store. | ||
| But, like, when you're on the road doing your show, you wouldn't want that. | ||
| You would never want a guy opening for you. | ||
| No, but like I said, she does, like, this thing about... | ||
| I don't want to say it, you know, with the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whisper it in the microphone. | |
| With the glitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the old man. | |
| Okay, it's the old man. | ||
| Go ahead, do it. | ||
| When the old man's like, you know, I fool around with older men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like older men, but when they come, nothing comes out. | |
| It's like air. | ||
| It's like, you know, and then I'm like, but he does something similar or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I say, it's like air. | |
| And then you're like, well, shit, where did that go? | ||
| And then like two days later, I'm like, is that fucking glitter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
On my face? | |
| And I'm like, oh, it's Old Man Rivers' balls on my face. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Something stupid like that. | ||
| Joe's just staring at me like, that's gross. | ||
| And my take is about, you know, when you get older and you jerk off, it's like a three-day process. | ||
| And then by, like, the third day, when it finally, whatever the fuck is in there comes out, it, like, just falls off the tip of your cock onto your balls. | ||
| You know, the best bit about that was Holtzman. | ||
| Holtzman had a bit about, yeah, it's like, it's old paint that's been in the basement too long. | ||
| He goes, it's not the same color that it used to be. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He had a bit about Viagra. | ||
| Young girls have it. | ||
| Don't say it because I'm doing a Viagra bit. | ||
| Well, I don't want to say it also because I don't want him to not be able to do that bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know where he lives now, by the way? | |
| Do you know where Holtzman lives? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Where does he live? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| Where? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't it like Vietnam or something? | |
| No, Marina Del Rey. | ||
| No, I heard he moved to Vietnam. | ||
| Right now? | ||
| Yeah, Holtzman. | ||
| When? | ||
| He just did someone's podcast like a week ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think he was on... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He sometimes does go to Thailand for two weeks. | |
| Thailand, that's what it is. | ||
| He said he got a small hairless boy there, he said. | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He always jokes. | |
| I mean, he's just a kid. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| He's kidding. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Don't back up the joke. | ||
| Just say it. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody's defensive about... | |
| You looked at me like I was crazy. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| So you both have a joke about old people coming terribly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something like that. | |
| Well, it's been done. | ||
| It's been done a million times. | ||
| Yeah, but it makes sense to do it. | ||
| Yeah, it makes sense to do it. | ||
| And it's funny. | ||
| And it only happened because it was like an old man that I was picking on one night and I just went into it. | ||
| it and every once in a while I just bring it back how many great songs are written about the same subjects you know how many great sub songs you know cover uh you know really real similar ground you still fucking love them because they're great yeah you know and and in comedy there's certain things sex especially is the which is always going to be hilarious it just is and as long as it is let's extract as much of it out as we can you think we'd be overlapping a lot if we did shows I don't think so No, you do. | ||
| We have a different point of view, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I agree. | |
| I just watched Joe a couple months ago at the Ice House, and I think it would be great. | ||
| I don't think it would overlap at all. | ||
| Listen, I mean, seeing your show was so fun, but you're so much more preposterous than me. | ||
| I try to be a little more realistic. | ||
| No, you actually have facts in your act. | ||
| I was sore that I could try to remember. | ||
| I don't want to be an agent of disinformation. | ||
| Yeah, see, that's my thing. | ||
| But your fucking act was so funny in describing how gays were created. | ||
| No, don't go into it. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I would not. | ||
| I would not. | ||
| But I just want to say that we were slapping the table. | ||
| We were fucking howling. | ||
| Me and Norton. | ||
| And we were looking over at each other laughing. | ||
| It was such a special moment. | ||
| Like, as comics, you know, as professional comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I understand that. | |
| Who have been comics for 20 plus years. | ||
| The both of us. | ||
| We were laughing together. | ||
| Like, you know, it was like, there's a brotherhood to this. | ||
| And that's the best compliment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, yes. | |
| Because I don't get along with most comics. | ||
| I don't think you do either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He actually does. | |
| I get along with a lot of comics, man. | ||
| You know, I give you credit. | ||
| Just the ones that I don't get along with, it gets ugly. | ||
| No, I know that. | ||
| But I'm saying I just don't because I don't feel camaraderie. | ||
| So when I'm around the few that I do love, you know, and you're one of them now, obviously. | ||
| Oh, thank you, brother. | ||
| And, you know, Norton for years and Florentine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you have your crew. | |
| I think in your defense, you got so fucking big, so quick, that it's real hard for you to relate to other people. | ||
| No, it's not about the comedy. | ||
| You know when somebody comes with me? | ||
| I mean comics. | ||
| Not about the comedy. | ||
| I'm in comics. | ||
| I'm saying you became so fucking huge so quick. | ||
| There's like this automatic resentment that's going to come with it with a lot of people. | ||
| You went from being a comic who was in with this steady stream of professional comics to becoming the biggest comic in the history of stand-up comedy inside a few years. | ||
| And it just went shit! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And all of a sudden you're doing Mass Off Coliseum. | ||
| No, but it was 10 years. | ||
| I'm sure it was a long time and I'm sure it was hard work. | ||
| But what I'm saying is, but it also, the height hit so high that it was impossible for people to not get jealous. | ||
| I watched a lot of people get creepy jealous. | ||
| So why was I able to talk to you? | ||
| I'm not a jealous person. | ||
| See, that's the thing. | ||
| A lot of comics have that. | ||
| Listen, I am honored to be around people like you and honored to be around people like Dom Irera. | ||
| I don't care how long I've been doing comedy or how... | ||
| I'm confident that I know how to do it, but I am always honored to be friends with Doug Stanhope. | ||
| I love that I can call up, who I believe is one of the greatest comedians of all time. | ||
| I can call him up and we'll shoot the shit on the phone. | ||
| And we love it. | ||
| And Stan Hope said to me the other day, he goes, you know what? | ||
| I can quit comedy, but I can never quit comics. | ||
| He goes, I can never quit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I fucking hang out with, I've tried to hang out with too many regular people. | |
| I can't fucking do it. | ||
| Well, that is the fun part. | ||
| Because we're all twisted. | ||
| In all different ways. | ||
| Joey Diaz is different than you. | ||
| He's different than Duncan. | ||
| Even if I text you late at night, I know you're getting the text because you're up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you texted me at 4 in the morning. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I call Wheels like 1.30 in the morning. | ||
| He goes, I gotta get some sleep because I gotta get up. | ||
| I'm like, you're a comic. | ||
| He's also a chef. | ||
| This is the daytime. | ||
| No, but I'm saying this is the daytime. | ||
| And a motivational speaker. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| To me, I love the night. | ||
| That's how I am. | ||
| I am exactly the same way. | ||
| That's when I do all my work. | ||
| I don't get anything done during the day. | ||
| My kids are up. | ||
| They want to play. | ||
| Something's going on. | ||
| There's noise. | ||
| I can't concentrate in my office. | ||
| So during the day... | ||
| I play with my kids. | ||
| I get my workouts in. | ||
| I do my bullshit. | ||
| But then when everyone's asleep, I do it after jujitsu. | ||
| So I like to write. | ||
| I don't even come home until 11. And then from 11 on, that's when I start to write. | ||
| So you're saying if I call at 3, you're picking up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's when I call Opie and Anthony. | ||
| If I call Opie and Anthony, I only call when I'm awake. | ||
| I'm awake all night, which I need to do more often. | ||
| I fucking love those guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're phenomenal. | |
| And hanging out with Anthony when we were in Vegas. | ||
| How great is he? | ||
| He just really reinforced how great he is. | ||
| I always know he's a great guy, but I love the fact that we could all pal around in a social setting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His Dice impression is insane. | |
| Oh, he's a brilliant, brilliant impressionist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't love the Dice impression. | |
| A lot of people don't realize he does a lot of really good impressions. | ||
| He's another guy. | ||
| I always tell you, why aren't you doing stand-up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he sort of is when he does the... | ||
| Have you seen his fucking awesome show? | ||
| His show... | ||
| Let me just give him credit. | ||
| The reason why we're doing this podcast today is because of Anthony Cumia from the Opie and Anthony show. | ||
| Because Anthony Cumia started doing his own show called Live... | ||
| From the compound. | ||
| And live from the compound, which he does on Ustream, he does it in his house. | ||
| He has a fucking studio set up. | ||
| He spent like a quarter million dollars with fucking green screens and he could be like in front of the Coliseum in Rome. | ||
| He could be in space. | ||
| And he has a professional desk, and he used to do it with these chicks he was dating. | ||
| He would be running around with a machine gun and singing songs, playing air guitars, holding a fucking M16. He's crazy. | ||
| He's a beautiful person. | ||
| I fucking love him. | ||
| He's a gambling addict. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| He's nuts. | ||
| I love Anthony. | ||
| He loves to drink. | ||
| To me, he's a classic American character. | ||
| And I don't get to hang out with them enough. | ||
| So then all of a sudden we were in Vegas together and we had steaks. | ||
| We went to Kraft Steak and had the most ridiculous... | ||
| The fucking one thing about Vegas. | ||
| They know how to make a fucking steak. | ||
| Where's Kraft Steak? | ||
| Kraft Steak is in MGM. Oh, it's goddamn good. | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| The best, though, the best is nine. | ||
| Nine Steakhouse in the Palm. | ||
| You can't fuck with that place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my favorite. | |
| You get the grass-fed ribeye. | ||
| Do not pass go. | ||
| You want the grass-fed ribeye, medium-rare. | ||
| It will knock your dick into the dirt. | ||
| It's the most spectacular cut of meat available probably in the entire western part of the United States. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Nine Steakhouse. | ||
| Nine Steakhouse in Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the Palms. | |
| I never went there. | ||
| I go to STK a lot. | ||
| So we went to Crab Steak... | ||
| Yeah, I've been there too. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| We went to Kraft Steak. | ||
| We had a great meal. | ||
| We had some wine. | ||
| Anthony was like, he knows wine, so he picked out a good wine. | ||
| It was me and my buddy Steve, who I've known since I was like 15. It was all of us, this big group, who came to see you. | ||
| It was such a thrill. | ||
| It was so fun to just go see a show. | ||
| Why didn't I get to go check? | ||
| You were performing! | ||
| We had such a great time. | ||
| We walked in right when Max was playing. | ||
| We walked in while we were getting seated. | ||
| Max was having a guitar solo. | ||
| Or excuse me, a drum solo. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You got to talk to him about that for a minute. | ||
| Drum solo was fucking spectacular. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Phenomenal. | |
| That was some serious hand-eye coordination, son. | ||
| You went off. | ||
| That was like real shit. | ||
| You didn't have a half-assed drum solo. | ||
| You were fucking flying, man. | ||
| The kid was flying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unbelievable. | |
| It's what he needs to hear now because, you know... | ||
| You wish I could do that shit. | ||
| Here, look. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Look at him go off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was at the improv. | |
| Did we get to hear it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Improv lab. | |
| Woo! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Dude, you're fucking going off! | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Look at this shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn! God damn man! | |
| Holy shit, kid! | ||
| Holy shit! Holy shit! | ||
| Motherfucker! | ||
| Holy shit, dude! | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Look, you need to see that. | ||
| Someone please edit that and put that little part of this video on YouTube. | ||
| You have to see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is on YouTube. | |
| With him watching it in the corner. | ||
| Oh, with him watching it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| He's walking around the house going, I think, you know, because don't forget it's showtime. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And this is the band's first shot ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, doing the song you saw called Outlaw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And he's going, I don't know if the solo's there yet. | ||
| And I'm trying to explain. | ||
| Every night we sit outside the house. | ||
| And I go, Max, there is nothing you have to learn for this solo. | ||
| Because you have such chops. | ||
| You know, I started out as a drummer, but my ability doesn't come close to what he can do. | ||
| That was ridiculous. | ||
| So yeah, I get jealous of his feet, all the combinations. | ||
| You get jealous of his feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| He's a double bit. | ||
| Because he uses both his feet like his hand. | ||
| Do you drive a stick? | ||
| Do you have a stick shift? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's automatic, right? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, automatic. | ||
| I feel like a guy who knows how to work the pedals like that would want a fucking stick shift. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He's just amazing. | ||
| And like when I would tell people about him, you know, I'm the father. | ||
| So they think, well, how good can they really be? | ||
| And then you see that, which we call... | ||
| You gotta see it. | ||
| You gotta see it. | ||
| That's just like babysit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta listen. | ||
| I mean, you're listening to it, folks. | ||
| If you're hearing just the audio version of this podcast... | ||
| It's an iPhone camera, so the sound quality is not the best. | ||
| You have to see it. | ||
| If you see it, it's fucking preposterous. | ||
| Yeah, when he would show me, like, drum solos. | ||
| If you're in Chicago, you'll see him live. | ||
| Yeah, well, Max, how old are you? | ||
| The Arcata, right? | ||
| Yes, the Arcata Theater in Chicago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'm going to be 22, and I actually started off only soloing when I first started playing the drums. | |
| I didn't play with a band for like the first five, six years of drumming. | ||
| He's playing since he's 10. And how old are you now? | ||
| Going to be 22. You're going to be 22, so you've been playing the drums for 12 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, your fucking hands are ridiculously fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ridiculous. | |
| You should get involved in Wing Chun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You should start kung fu-ing motherfuckers. | ||
| Think about all that fast speed? | ||
| He could probably be a hell of a boxer. | ||
| I believe it translates. | ||
| Number one, he can box. | ||
| I'm embarrassed to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He has beaten him a couple times. | |
| No, by accident, he sort of knocked me out twice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is pretty funny at the Hollywood gym. | |
| When I would teach them to box... | ||
| You know, I would say, you know, we've got that Hollywood gym, you know, that has the boxing ring. | ||
| So I would say, all right, no headshots at all. | ||
| So I would just protect my body and let them fight me, both kids. | ||
| So now and then Max would slip and he'd nail me right on the chin. | ||
| Once it happened in my backyard... | ||
| And I went right down because, you know, when you're hitting the chin, you see the stars and you go down. | ||
| I'm not expecting to get punched in the face by my friend. | ||
| Unless you're by my son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By my friend. | |
| Yeah, by my son. | ||
| And then he does it again at the gym, and I'm on the floor feeling like an asshole. | ||
| Because here I am, I'm the father, and my 14-year-old just knocked me out. | ||
| Well, you know, the reality is there's a lot of chicks that can knock you out if you don't know they're punching you. | ||
| If you don't know they're going to punch you, there's a great video of a chick headbutting a guy unconscious. | ||
| Some asshole at a bar says something stupid to her. | ||
| She grabs his shirt and goes, bang, knocks him completely unconscious. | ||
| And that does work. | ||
| That does work. | ||
| Let me tell you. | ||
| No, it was a fist. | ||
| He hit me with his fist. | ||
| Well, I'm saying a little girl can headbutt a big, giant dude. | ||
| What I'm saying is if you don't know it's coming and if you get hit in the jaw, you can get knocked out. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Even by a little girl's head. | ||
| Well, that's why boxers try to break the body down first, and then they go for the chin. | ||
| It's not about... | ||
| Because people, when they see a professional fight, they go, why aren't they just swinging it out? | ||
| They don't realize it's a skill. | ||
| It's a dance. | ||
| You'd be amazed at how hard it is to hit somebody. | ||
| Did you ever do actual boxing? | ||
| A kickbox. | ||
| I did a lot of boxing in the gym, but I had three kickboxing fights. | ||
| But you'd be amazed at how difficult it is to actually hit someone who knows how to box. | ||
| It's a dance. | ||
| It's a rhythm. | ||
| You've got to figure out how to fake them, how to get them to move, when to run in. | ||
| Because if you run in, like, if you watch the last UFC, Ryan Bader versus Lyoto Machida, Lyoto Machida is this badass karate guy, and he knocked Ryan Bader out because Bader charged him, and he just went, CRACK! Just caught him, charged him, and flattened him, knocked him out with one punch. | ||
| But that's the risk you take if you want to be aggressive. | ||
| It's so hard to hit someone who actually knows how to fight. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| There's a lot of people... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Also, Peters is like that. | |
| The thing that always bothers me is... | ||
| Peters knows how to fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He knows. | |
| I love that. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| If they want to know more about boxing, they should get in touch with me at Real Dice Clay. | ||
| On Twitter? | ||
| Is that my Twitter thing? | ||
| Yes, at TheRealDiceClay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you want to know about drumming, I'm at MaxDoesComedy. | |
| And if you want to go out with Eleanor. | ||
| Max, did you get upset when you dropped your dad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eleanor Kerrigan. | |
| I was nervous. | ||
| I came over like, you know, are you okay? | ||
| I didn't mean to do it. | ||
| Are you sure you didn't mean to do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Yeah, but it was funny. | ||
| There wasn't anything you were thinking about maybe that made you... | ||
| No, we have a great relationship. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Well, that means you probably got a good punch. | ||
| Look, if you hit the drums that hard, I bet you can generate some serious fucking speed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think my dad would have got back up and hit us. | |
| Oh, you can't hit your kids. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, please. | |
| I'm just handing you over to Rogan for all your fighting. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've actually been thinking about taking some Krav Maga. | |
| Krav Maga's good. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| But there's a lot of benefits to taking one martial art over a combinatory system of martial arts. | ||
| A lot of people think the combinator systems like Krav Maga or something like that is good if you'd only do it every now and then. | ||
| You just want to learn some self-defense. | ||
| But I think there's a lot of time spent doing shit like street techniques and stuff like that. | ||
| That's what you want to know. | ||
| Not really coming up. | ||
| No, I don't think you do. | ||
| Oh, you don't want to know that? | ||
| No, you really want to be good at what works on trained killers. | ||
| Not people in the street with a fucking set of keys, because in a real-life situation, there's going to be a lot of craziness going on. | ||
| You've got to be able to execute from memory and from training. | ||
| And how much training do you really have taking someone's gun away? | ||
| I mean, maybe it's a good thing to know if you're in the Special Forces or something, and you've got to learn dealing with people with handguns all the time. | ||
| But the reality of self-defense is, most of the time when things happen, They happen, one, because one person's not confident, so the other person gets cocky, and two, because you're not aware of your environment and you don't have enough confidence in any one particular discipline, whether it's stand-up or the ground fighting or anything like that. | ||
| A lot of people want to fight and they don't know how to fight, and it scares the shit out of me. | ||
| I've been a martial artist my whole life. | ||
| The last thing I want to do is get in a fight with somebody. | ||
| Because I know there's some people that can do some crazy shit to your body. | ||
| I know them. | ||
| I know people who could... | ||
| You would be crazy to fight them. | ||
| But people start fights with them. | ||
| Because there's a lot of fucking morons out there. | ||
| But I want to... | ||
| For me, it's very important that I'm the one... | ||
| Who is capable of deciding where everything goes. | ||
| I don't like being in a position where I have to trust my health to some crazy asshole. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I don't like to know that some guy can just own me anytime he wants to just jump all over me and I don't know what to do. | ||
| I can't even defend myself. | ||
| I can't live like that. | ||
| That would drive me crazy. | ||
| I know too many crazy people. | ||
| I grew up with too many complete fucking psychopaths to ever think that it's safe to not know how to defend yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I agree with that. | |
| Yeah, it's like if you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know how to defend myself. | |
| Eleanor's a good fighter. | ||
| Eleanor and I used to have mock wrestling matches in the back. | ||
| I've seen her and Valerie nearly beat up people at shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I believe. | |
| Did you ever get some situations? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, just one girl. | |
| We went out to this club and normally it's a Sunday night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember this? | |
| It was a Sunday night and it's usually dead. | ||
| Andrew's like, oh, I always go here. | ||
| It's usually like 100 people. | ||
| It's not that bad. | ||
| We get there. | ||
| There was some kind of dead mouse DJ thing going on. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was like 1,500 people. | |
| Yeah, it was a pack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I go, Andrew, we can't go in here. | |
| He goes, no, we'll be fine. | ||
| We'll be fine. | ||
| Girls were throwing themselves at him like, hey, I know you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And grabbing. | |
| Stop with the jealousy. | ||
| Nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And me and Valerie had to take... | |
| How's that feel? | ||
| That must be nice. | ||
| I took this girl down. | ||
| It always feels good, but you know... | ||
| How fast did I take that girl off you? | ||
| Yeah, but how good does it feel? | ||
| She does. | ||
| She does security when we go out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he gets crazy. | |
| He goes crazy. | ||
| No, it feels good, but you know what? | ||
| It's nothing I'm looking for. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| No, I'm serious. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| Even when I'm single, you know what I mean? | ||
| It's nothing that's ever thrilled me unless I'm out hunting. | ||
| I believe you, but strolling into a club filled with 1,500 people with those sunglasses on and a sleeveless shirt and they're throwing themselves at you? | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| We were coming from a show. | ||
| You're in a goddamn movie. | ||
| You're in a goddamn movie. | ||
| That I appreciate. | ||
| Sometimes it does hit me in that way. | ||
| How does anybody get to live that life? | ||
| Stop and think about everything. | ||
| Really appreciate that. | ||
| You're a famous guy. | ||
| You go to clubs. | ||
| You go out. | ||
| Not that much. | ||
| I mostly do shows and hang out after shows. | ||
| It's hard to go places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's very rare that he does it as well. | |
| Yeah, I don't do it, but you know what? | ||
| I like to dance with my wife sometimes. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And I'm very focused on her when I go out because I see all the... | ||
| I'm watching the guys watching her. | ||
| But when you go out, you have a problem with people constantly wanting to get your attention to take photos. | ||
| They normally put me in one of those VIP booths. | ||
| She stands there with her arms out, like touching the booths, like she's just hanging out, and she won't let anybody... | ||
| And plus they'll put... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big security guys. | |
| This was funny when we went out Halloween, and we went to the same club, I think. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but that was later, right? | ||
| Yeah, and they had... | ||
| I'm dancing with my wife on the dance floor, and you got these three giants, these three guys surrounding us so we can dance so people didn't bother me. | ||
| And you just have to ignore it and get into the person you're with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's Halloween night. | |
| People are wasted. | ||
| We went to this crazy place first. | ||
| There was what? | ||
| There was like 10,000 people at that first place. | ||
| Yeah, we saw a fight there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| We saw a lot of fights there. | ||
| That's when I belted my friend. | ||
| Oh, you want to hear something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a fetish ball. | |
| It was a fetish ball. | ||
| That's right, Max. | ||
| And people thought he was dressed as Andrew Dice Clay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they were like, man, that's what I feel like. | |
| You want to hear something funny where I had to hit somebody? | ||
| Yeah, you could tell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember the name of the hotel or where we were. | |
| Yeah, it was the South something, down near the M Hotel around there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
South Coast, maybe? | |
| The South Coast? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But we were walking out, and we're walking fast, because people are recognizing him, A, thinking he's just dressed as nice. | ||
| And when people yell my name, I never look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then people thought he was nice. | |
| It's like, I'm not him, I just keep going. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So all of a sudden, this guy, me and Valerie were in heels, so he was walking fast. | ||
| Yeah, they're like 30 feet behind me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little bit ahead of us. | |
| So I hear this guy go, dice, dice! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, oh shit, me and Valerie start speeding up. | |
| And he comes over, and we recognize him. | ||
| They're yelling, no, like don't touch me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He touched him like this, and he knocked him the fuck out. | |
| It was his friend Brandon. | ||
| It's a friend of mine, but I didn't see him coming. | ||
| So you punched him in the face? | ||
| No, I didn't see him, and his hands grabbed my shoulder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was dying. | |
| So I just react, and I hit him. | ||
| You know, because that's where the gloves are off. | ||
| Once you put your hands on me hard like that. | ||
| But he's my friend, but they're yelling no. | ||
| If he was yelling Andrew, I would have just looked. | ||
| Because I was like, it's Brad! | ||
| I didn't know it's my friend and I turn and he's going back and he's out on his feet, you know, because I do know how to hit, you know, in that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But so does Brandon, right? | |
| Brandon's a martial artist. | ||
| Yeah, but I hit him with a side punch. | ||
| I didn't hit him. | ||
| I was turning to hit him again and that's when I saw who it was. | ||
| And I felt so bad. | ||
| And to this day, he won't admit that he was out. | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| But I'm like holding his chin. | ||
| I'm like, you okay? | ||
| How do you yell my name? | ||
| You don't yell my name ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't say Dice. | |
| You say Andrew. | ||
| Because it sounded like a drunk guy. | ||
| This is what I'm picking up. | ||
| Wait, Joe. | ||
| This is what I'm picking up. | ||
| I'm hearing a guy yell, Dice! | ||
| Dice! | ||
| And all of a sudden, I feel this. | ||
| Two hands grabbing me like that. | ||
| So I just fucking bang the guy. | ||
| And now I'm turning around to really finish him. | ||
| I'm sure you would react the same. | ||
| You gotta be careful just grabbing people. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| If I feel someone grabbing me from behind, I feel like they're up to nefarious things. | ||
| Well, you grab me, I gotta do to me grabbing me from behind. | ||
| That's the one thing I don't have. | ||
| You're holding me in place. | ||
| What are your plans? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| It's okay. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy that someone would... | ||
| Why wouldn't he just touch you? | ||
| Hey, buddy! | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
| He was drinking, so we got excited when he saw me coming through the hotel. | ||
| They're 30 feet behind me. | ||
| Isn't that a fucking problem? | ||
| The drunks. | ||
| That is a problem. | ||
| People don't even realize they're being ridiculous. | ||
| That's why I drove people out of the shows. | ||
| They don't even realize it being ridiculous. | ||
| It's a terrible drug for socializing. | ||
| It's the best drug for socializing, but it requires character. | ||
| So many people don't have character and they go out and they drink and their real shitbag personality comes flying out. | ||
| Hey look, if you come over to me for a picture and you're not drunk and you're nice, I'll take a dozen of them. | ||
| What do you do though if you're on your way to somewhere and there's a river of people and you can't get through them? | ||
| Well, if it's nice people, I'll take the shots. | ||
| But if they're assholes, they put their hands on me. | ||
| I don't have a fuse. | ||
| I just don't have a fuse, and I won't deal with it. | ||
| He did something cool last Sunday at our show in Vegas. | ||
| He was coming up in the elevator, and he was kind of late. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the guy was like, Hey, man, I saw you at Madison Square Garden. | |
| This guy went to both shows at the Garden when I was there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was nervous to even say it. | |
| Wow. | ||
| During his show, at the end of it, he goes, who's the guy in the elevator? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the guy was like, that was me. | |
| And he took him on stage and took pictures with him. | ||
| Yeah, he took him on the stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought the guy was going to cry. | |
| He was so excited. | ||
| And I picked out a Chinaman to take the pictures because I know they make the cameras. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| No, no. | ||
| But they do. | ||
| They know what they're doing with it. | ||
| And they were right in front of me. | ||
| And I actually dedicated my Asian-al bit to them because they were dead center. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| I don't know why people... | ||
| They knew what they were getting. | ||
| You're coming to a dice show. | ||
| No, no, but they were cool about it, you know, and I gave them some suggestions for new phones. | ||
| But yes, I brought the guy up from the crowd because I was in a rush. | ||
| I was late for the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he was nice. | |
| So I'm going, who's the guy that was at the garden? | ||
| Stand up. | ||
| No, that's very cool. | ||
| Come on up. | ||
| Let's take a couple pictures. | ||
| And of course, I had fun with him, but... | ||
| We do our shows. | ||
| I felt bad that I had to blow him off when I was coming up the stairs. | ||
| We do our shows and then we hang out after the show and take pictures with everybody. | ||
| But if I'm on a rush to get somewhere, that's when it becomes a problem. | ||
| Like in Vegas, like after the UFCs, it becomes a real problem. | ||
| Because there'll be a thousand people waiting in line. | ||
| I'm like, folks, I can't. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| I'm meeting my friends. | ||
| And then they get the ones that... | ||
| And they get pissed off me. | ||
| Like, a guy wrote something about me on Facebook. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| But you can't concern yourself because... | ||
| I don't like to blow somebody off. | ||
| They're legitimately happy to see me. | ||
| There's a thousand people. | ||
| It's really fucking hard. | ||
| I'll blow them off. | ||
| Or even a hundred if you're in a rush. | ||
| When somebody goes, dice, will you take a picture? | ||
| And all of a sudden, their friend's standing. | ||
| I go, well, how long does it take to take? | ||
| Oh, it was on the filming by accident. | ||
| That's why I go, picture's over. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Even if they're fans? | ||
| No, I don't give a fuck who they are. | ||
| If you want a picture, take a picture. | ||
| No, they do it on purpose with the filming. | ||
| So they have more time with you? | ||
| No, to get that little piece of fucking footage. | ||
| I can't take it with the phones no more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some creepy guy puts it online all the time. | |
| Yeah, it's like, you know what? | ||
| Take the picture. | ||
| It's a nice moment. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But don't start with being Scorsese and doing a fucking feature film with me. | ||
| The guy got mad at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was like, you don't want to be up on YouTube? | |
| I'm like, not by you, guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fucking asshole human beings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was just filming me and Valerie. | |
| And he would put it up, this is Dice's wife. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's real creepy. | |
| And he did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you know what? | |
| You're in the public eye. | ||
| I try to be as cool as I can with people. | ||
| But then you get the asshole when you're doing... | ||
| Like, I really refuse to do most meet and greets. | ||
| Because there's always going to be the guy that wants to put me in a headlock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's always going to regret it. | ||
| And I don't care who it is. | ||
| Why do dudes like to do that? | ||
| Look, you're a guy like me. | ||
| You've got an attitude about yourself. | ||
| You've got a tough image about yourself. | ||
| So they want to challenge you in front of that chick. | ||
| If they get to meet you, instead of being cool and taking the picture, they want to out-macho you. | ||
| And I don't care who it is. | ||
| I don't care if he's fucking Godzilla. | ||
| You're going to pay the price for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And right in front of your chick. | ||
| I don't care if I embarrass you. | ||
| I don't care how big you are. | ||
| I have no fucking fear of it. | ||
| How many times have you been in fistfights because of that attitude? | ||
| I've had enough problems. | ||
| I've been sued enough. | ||
| But now that those things are past me, I can move on to the next group of fights. | ||
| It is hard to just... | ||
| See, I used to see you. | ||
| That's why I would laugh when I would see you, like, flipping out on people. | ||
| Because I'm going, thank God there's somebody else in the business that has no fucking patience for these assholes. | ||
| And this is a guy that'll follow people out and go home with them and argue with them. | ||
| I used to love that about you. | ||
| Because I didn't know you. | ||
| The way I came to know you. | ||
| I'm coming in the comedy store one night and I hear from the stage this guy just... | ||
| You were burying someone. | ||
| You weren't doing a bit. | ||
| You were on somebody that you just didn't... | ||
| It was Joe Rogan mean. | ||
| And I just loved it seeing somebody get fucking buried. | ||
| You know, because you weren't trying to be clever. | ||
| You weren't trying to be funny at that part. | ||
| You wanted to dismantle this person piece by fucking piece. | ||
| And I was just so happy and enjoyed it like I was hearing the funniest stuff ever. | ||
| And then when you were done, you got back into the act and you kept screaming about whatever you were, you know, your bits and about, you know, you know, fucking this chick and, you know. | ||
| And I enjoyed that too. | ||
| But to walk into a place and just see somebody so fucking angry. | ||
| And I never met you. | ||
| I never saw you on stage. | ||
| This was my first experience with you that I had to sit down and watch and just laugh. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| Going, this guy is just enjoying destroying this guy with his chick. | ||
| And I knew the guy deserved it. | ||
| Well, there were so many assholes at the comedy store. | ||
| Because he was like, fuck you, too. | ||
| That was his big comeback. | ||
| You're like, fuck me, too? | ||
| You want to tell me that outside, you motherfucker? | ||
| You want to be a big shot? | ||
| You went into the whole fucking thing, and I was like, oh, what a breath of fresh air. | ||
| There was no one that would monitor the room. | ||
| The comics were responsible. | ||
| And it's one of the reasons why we all became so strong. | ||
| Because you have no protection in there. | ||
| Me and Brent Ernst and Sam Tripoli, we did this gig together. | ||
| It's always good to have an Ernst around. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| We did this gig and Ernst gets off stage after Crush and he looks at me and goes, Comedy store, motherfucker! | ||
| And I was like, yeah, dude! | ||
| You know, it's like that was a gym for us. | ||
| Sure, it still is. | ||
| And there were so many... | ||
| Cunts. | ||
| That place is a magnet for douchebag guys. | ||
| They would come and yell out and try to disrupt the act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And girls, they were doing it the other night. | |
| Dina D'Armand thought it was okay to heckle them. | ||
| You know what I love with Ernst? | ||
| Who is he? | ||
| Joey? | ||
|
unidentified
|
His brother? | |
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony, the roller skater. | ||
| Tony, the roller skater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that bit! | |
| I once went, I made Brett go on one night. | ||
| I go, you don't understand. | ||
| It's not when you actually start the roller skating part. | ||
| You have to explain to the audience who Tony really is. | ||
| You've got to get into his life more. | ||
| Just because you're on stage, you can't be afraid to expand on Tony's life before you actually show them what he does at the roller skating rink. | ||
| You've got to talk about his history, his family, his likes, his dislikes, what makes him happy. | ||
| He came a 45 minute bit. | ||
| So Brett goes on one night... | ||
| And gets into Tony's whole life that the crowd is like, because this is my type of humor, that people are looking like, who the fuck is this guy that he's talking? | ||
| And then he goes into the bit of Tony roller skating, but it was 20 minutes before he got to the actual roller skating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a big payoff. | |
| Before the music kicks in, before anything. | ||
| It's a great payoff, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It really is. | |
| It's a great idea. | ||
| I mean, we all know every Tony in the world. | ||
| Brent Ernst is such a good guy. | ||
| We were working together at the improv, and he goes, hey, do you want me to not do that bit? | ||
| Like, I was like, why would I want you to not do that bit? | ||
| That's the best bit. | ||
| Yeah, he goes, because, I don't know, it's a real strong bit. | ||
| I mean, maybe you don't want to follow that. | ||
| It's like not bringing the puppet. | ||
| And I go, oh, please. | ||
| I go, I want you to be as funny as you can be. | ||
| I enjoy that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the bigger the better. | |
| That's what it's about. | ||
| It's a weird thing where someone, for whatever reason, people want to equate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Filth. | ||
| People want to equate other people's success with somehow or another that it takes away from you. | ||
| And I think that's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| It's a weird disease that people have where you want to be the only person funny on the show. | ||
| And you know and I know that there's a lot of comics that brings up guys on the road with them and they stack the deck. | ||
| They put terrible comedians up, which is really not just rude to their audience members. | ||
| It's rude, but it's also so cowardly. | ||
| I know guys who bring up guys, and these are national headliners who do big places, and they bring up guys who shouldn't be allowed to ever do comedy. | ||
| I mean, you watch this poor audience get assaulted with nonsense, with nonsense in the rhythm of a comic. | ||
| Well, see what I like to do, like when Norton was with me, a lot of times I would also have Steve Simone just working for me, you know, like road stuff. | ||
| So I remember when we were doing the Venetian, okay? | ||
| Simone wasn't booked as a comic. | ||
| You know, I had Norton to open for me, and Norton's strong. | ||
| So, you know, we're just backstage, and we're going to start the show. | ||
| And that's when I look at Simone, and I go, you're on deck. | ||
| He goes, what are you doing? | ||
| I go, go out and do your thing now. | ||
| Because I wouldn't want them thinking about the act that they have. | ||
| I just want them instantly to walk out and do that. | ||
| I did it to Max, too, when he was younger. | ||
| Because you know you've got the guy coming on before you that's going to kill. | ||
| So I like to take a newer guy to sort of train him in comedy and a guy that really has his shit together that I'm back there going, okay, you've got to amp up. | ||
| He's killing. | ||
| You know, like when Eleanor goes up, I know if the crowd is okay. | ||
| I know if they suck. | ||
| I know if they're great by the response she's getting because she's top-notch. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So when she goes out there, I know her stuff kills. | ||
| So if they're just ha-ha-ha, I'm like, all right, another shit crowd. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So you've got to really be able to know your audience before you get out there. | ||
| And the only way to do it is to have an unbelievably strong opener. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if you have somebody weak, you can't judge the crowd by them because they're new. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, having a strong open is very important. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sets up the whole show. | |
| The people that don't do that are so silly. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's a weakness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't make you look better. | |
| It makes you look worse. | ||
| So she better be strong in Chicago, I'll tell you that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will be strong in Chicago. | |
| We threw Brian on stage. | ||
| We threw Brian Redman on stage in the biggest crowd he'd ever seen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Redman? | |
| I thought it was Redman. | ||
| Well, you keep calling him that. | ||
| So why didn't you tell me his wrong name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why we laugh at you when you say it. | |
| Redman's a normal name. | ||
| No, Redman. | ||
| Redman. | ||
| No, no, I get it now, but I've been calling him Redman correctly. | ||
| It's whatever you want it to be. | ||
| No, no, I don't want it to be whatever. | ||
| He loves you. | ||
| I want it to be what you need. | ||
| He'll change his name for you. | ||
| He's Redman now. | ||
| We're going to make it Redman. | ||
| Somebody find Redman on Twitter. | ||
| Joey J, my new buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a rapper. | |
| Double J. Double J Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Double J Rogan. | |
| That's my new shit. | ||
| Double J. Juicy Joe. | ||
| On the road. | ||
| Double J, picture. | ||
| What, what, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got right into it. | |
| I think I need to get some sort of a diamond chain, some sort of platinum and diamond, two J's together. | ||
| Double J. Double J. It's a strong nickname for you. | ||
| And just take pictures like this. | ||
| Because I've been thinking about it on a constant basis. | ||
| Because every time I call you, I'm going, he's got to have a nickname now. | ||
| He's got to have one. | ||
| I've got to find out the middle name. | ||
| Everybody has nicknames. | ||
| But Double J is a cool name. | ||
| It's a good, but only by your friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Only by your friends. | ||
| Yeah, you don't let strangers call you that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The crowd can't call you Double J? If it becomes that big, you'll have no choice. | |
| I think it's too late. | ||
| I think you just started a revolution. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| No, Double J is a great name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to call him Juicy for short. | |
| Thanks, sweetie. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's a cool name for you. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| The Dice Man coming to St. Charles, Illinois' Dice Clay Showtime Special at the Arcata Theater on Saturday, August 25th. | ||
| If you're in Chicago, you need to go and check this shit out. | ||
| If you're not in Chicago, you need to get on a fucking plane and go and check this shit out. | ||
| And if you go to OSHOWS.com or you can call the theater, the number for the theater is 630-962-7000. | ||
| I'll say it again. | ||
| 630-962-7000. | ||
| That's not hard to remember, bitch. | ||
| Relax. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| What are you talking to? | ||
| The people are listening. | ||
| So this is your first special in 17 fucking years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Do you have a new name for it? | ||
| The special? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you named it yet? | ||
| Yeah, I have. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Is it going to be a surprise? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's exciting. | |
| I'm glad. | ||
| You don't know the name of the special. | ||
| You're with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, but... | |
| It's called Dice, Indestructible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Indestructible. | |
| You see, you change it back. | ||
| Change it back? | ||
| No, don't talk about other names. | ||
| Don't talk about other names. | ||
| There's no reason, because that's the name. | ||
| What if you had a Twitter contest to say what the name would be? | ||
| All right, so on the real Dice Clay, send me what you think, even though I'm going to use what I already know. | ||
| Then why would they do it? | ||
| And what are the options? | ||
| What if they come up with something good? | ||
| Well, let me hear. | ||
| Let me hear what they got to say. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know, last time I did your show... | ||
| Indestructible is pretty fucking good. | ||
| Indestructible, because I feel I've been through a lot. | ||
| I feel my fans have been through a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, so I really... | ||
| And this show is such a rock and roll vibe. | ||
| You know, I really want to create what I would call, you know, the most exciting stand-up special I've ever done. | ||
| That's what I want to give people. | ||
| How hard was it for you to go through all that censorship stuff when MTV banned you because you were talking about feminine hygiene products? | ||
| It was so over the top and ridiculous. | ||
| You know what it was? | ||
| For the first 10 years when I was just doing the clubs around the country and honing my act and I would get write-ups from local papers, They would write me up in newspapers like The Hoodlum of Yuma, things like that. | ||
| It was all positive stuff, and then they'd write about the act. | ||
| The day after my HBO special aired, The Dice Man Cometh, the New York Times put the headline, The Demise of Western Civilization. | ||
| I think that's a compliment. | ||
| No, but they ripped the whole show apart. | ||
| And I wasn't prepared for it because as I was coming up as a comic, I wasn't thinking I want to be a controversial comic. | ||
| I wasn't even thinking. | ||
| I just did the act I wanted to do. | ||
| So it was almost like getting... | ||
| You know, a sucker punch. | ||
| I didn't see it coming. | ||
| So when all that media backlash happened, I was like, don't they get? | ||
| I'm just a comic. | ||
| I'm not running for office here. | ||
| I'm a comic. | ||
| Well, there was something that felt like you were being hateful. | ||
| Hateful towards gays or hateful towards foreigners. | ||
| There was moments where people were just really overreacting. | ||
| And I was like, How come that's okay in rap music or it's okay in a movie? | ||
| Well, no, that all came after it. | ||
| See, all that heavy rap, all the shows like South Park, all the controversial shows came after me. | ||
| So now that I survived all that, when I went through it... | ||
| Was that pre-2 Live Crew? | ||
| Was that pre-2 Live Crew at the same time? | ||
| It was around the same time, wasn't it? | ||
| Yeah, it was around the same time. | ||
| Because I remember you being connected to that in arguments about obscenity. | ||
| Oh, you know how many rap songs I'm in? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, even the song by... | ||
| That one dance song. | ||
| EMF. Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did they ask for permission for that? | |
| EMF. I let them sample me because they called my office and said they're writing a song about me. | ||
| They're defending me. | ||
| You know, so we allowed them to sample me. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| They wanted me to present them. | ||
| They won for Best Song of the Year with MTV, and they wanted me to be the presenter, and still MTV wouldn't let me on at the time. | ||
| They still have... | ||
| Did they let it go now? | ||
| Yeah, they unbanned me last year when I did Entourage. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| But in a way, I understand what happened, because when I went on MTV and did what I did, You know, it was at a time when nobody did that and there was no beeping. | ||
| You know, even my manager at the time, Sandy Gallen, called me up and said, I thought that was just on my television. | ||
| Like, he couldn't believe the language. | ||
| You know, and the banning for life was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. | ||
| I went from doing one show at a 20,000-seat arena to three shows that weekend. | ||
| And I was like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I'm not a singer. | ||
| No. | ||
| Today is different. | ||
| Today you don't need them anymore. | ||
| They're not as important. | ||
| You doing The Tonight Show is not nearly as impactful as you do in a podcast. | ||
| That's something I'll never have to worry about. | ||
| If you did The Adam Carolla Show, it would have more impact than it would do The Tonight Show. | ||
| Another comic that won't put on any comics that'll shine. | ||
| Jay Leno's chandelier head? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a big, dumb fucker. | |
| You know what? | ||
| I never did let him in either, but I don't have anything against him. | ||
| I think he's great at a show. | ||
| But Leno was always the type, like I talk about the comics I don't like, he was never a type to want to help his fellow comics. | ||
| So that's why when he brings a comic on, they don't become superstars. | ||
| Because number one, a lot of them don't even have the chops to be on a show like that yet. | ||
| So they'll do okay. | ||
| Well, doesn't he help Norton a lot? | ||
| Now. | ||
| Norton's an exception. | ||
| That's right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's new. | |
| You know, and he does a lot of on the street stuff. | ||
| And Norton became a star before he ever went on Leno. | ||
| But Leno doesn't look to, hey, sit down like Johnny would do. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| So he doesn't create stars. | ||
| He's not looking to. | ||
| This fucking guy only cares about him. | ||
| Trust me on that. | ||
| If you really stop and think about that, if you are a comic and you do have a show where you occasionally have comics on, wouldn't you want to promote all your friends? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do it, and Chelsea Handler does it. | |
| Leno knew me for years when I was struggling, and he was already a big comic. | ||
| He was already co-hosting Carson. | ||
| And when my career took off, he would badmouth me to newspapers, and I got hold of this fucking boulder head in the improv, and I said, trust me when I tell you this, next time I won't be talking to you. | ||
| You won't even see me coming if you ever open your fucking mouth again. | ||
| I love that expression. | ||
| And he goes with his stupid voice, you know, the high-pitched, I can't even do this asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he goes, we weren't expecting to become the stars that we... | |
| And I go, let me tell you something. | ||
| Maybe you weren't expecting to become a big-time guy, but I knew exactly where the fuck I was going. | ||
| You know, and it's guys like that that I don't like because they really don't look to help even the guys they bring on. | ||
| It's just filling those five minutes like he's supposed to. | ||
| He's always been friendly to me when I've done the show. | ||
| I can't say anything bad about the guy. | ||
| He's a fucking hump. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When was the last time you did a Leno shot? | ||
| I did it like a year ago. | ||
| Maybe, yeah, when Fear Factor was back on. | ||
| I did it with Ron Paul. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| But a guy like you who's had series, you know, after series, Fear Factor. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't want to go on. | ||
| Well, maybe that's where your friends are. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not asking to go on it. | ||
| I don't try to go on anything. | ||
| The last time I saw him, I was hosting this late night show with Judd Nelson for one day. | ||
| And all of a sudden, somebody comes over and he goes, Leno wants to say hello. | ||
| And this was after I had a fight with him years earlier. | ||
| So I go over to the set, you know, and he's standing on the stage. | ||
| No one's there. | ||
| And I'm just bullshitting with him. | ||
| I go, so when are we doing the show? | ||
| And he goes, we need to set it up. | ||
| And I go, well, let's set it up. | ||
| It's only been 20 years. | ||
| And he goes, no, we're going to do it. | ||
| And of course, it never happened. | ||
| I'm like, would this asshole want me to see him on his set? | ||
| Like, I get it. | ||
| You're hosting a fucking talk show that, to me, is old fucking hat. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And that's just how I feel about him. | ||
| When you don't help your fellow comics and you're in a position like Carson was years ago, when he'd bring a comic on, he would fucking... | ||
| He was so confident about who he was, right? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He was just so confident that when he'd bring on a Rodney or a... | ||
| Or any new comic, you know. | ||
| He wanted you to shine. | ||
| If the guy shines, he'd go, come on over, sit down. | ||
| And he'd let him shine even more. | ||
| It wasn't like, oh, I'm giving him too much time away from... | ||
| You're on the show every night for 90 fucking minutes. | ||
| Give a guy five minutes to make it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And that's where Leno and him are two different men. | ||
| Because, you know, Letterman does it. | ||
| He brings on the guys. | ||
| Kimmel does it. | ||
| They all do it. | ||
| I think there's a few guys that know, first of all, how few slots there are and how much competition there is. | ||
| And no one's more aware of that than Jay. | ||
| This guy's interested in buying his next old Volkswagen and making it look like a hot rod. | ||
| But I won't badmouth him because you're a friend of his, so I'm going to let it go. | ||
| Calm down. | ||
| He's always been nice to me on his show. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But I didn't grow up with him. | ||
| Believe me, I'll see him again. | ||
| I'll tell him how I feel. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| You're a fucking jerk-off. | ||
| I don't, you know. | ||
| Real fucking jerk-off. | ||
| I think it's weird that he doesn't have anything out there that you could buy. | ||
| He's a comic, but it's hard to buy a Jay Leno CD. It's not like he comes out with new material. | ||
| Well, he does his show on The Tonight Show. | ||
| He does that monologue, and he does his shows outside, but he recycles the same act for the most part. | ||
| Apparently, he doesn't want to do a special, but he goes, Why don't we do a special? | ||
| It costs me $300. | ||
| No, I can't do that act anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a good friend. | |
| You know what? | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| How about enjoying what you do? | ||
| But it's true. | ||
| What I'm saying is he doesn't put out material, which is odd. | ||
| And his reasoning for it is that it would cost him money because he couldn't do that act anymore. | ||
| He'd have to write a whole new act. | ||
| I thought that was really odd. | ||
| But he's known when he was young. | ||
| That's what I like about Seinfeld, because with all his fame and everything, he still gets out there and he does the stand-up. | ||
| And as far as the cleaner guys, I would have to say he's just... | ||
| Yeah, he's the best. | ||
| That stuff never makes me laugh as much as your kind of stuff. | ||
| I don't want... | ||
| I see observational stuff, and it's interesting, it's funny, but it's not ridiculous. | ||
| But I go from what's behind closed doors. | ||
| Not just that. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Ridiculous is beautiful. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| Your show is so silly. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| We had such a great fucking time. | ||
| There's so much shit that you're saying that we're howling. | ||
| It's just so ridiculous. | ||
| Well, like you brought up earlier with Norton when you were laughing at that one particular bit, I know the bit. | ||
| That's the stuff Norton goes crazy from because he knows there was absolutely no thought. | ||
| There were no facts. | ||
| But it flows great. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| That to me is... | ||
| I love Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| I think he's a great comedian. | ||
| I think he was great as an actor on that show. | ||
| But if I had a choice between seeing him or you, I'd always see you. | ||
| Well, I appreciate that, and I understand why, because I know the kind of guy you are, and I know that's why you would come see me, because you know I'm going to deliver what you need for your laughs. | ||
| Yeah, I appreciate it as a, you know, like, that form of stand-up comedy. | ||
| You're a real pioneer. | ||
| I'm sorry I didn't throw somebody out for you. | ||
| Throw somebody out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did. | |
| You did throw somebody out that night. | ||
| Yeah, like within the first two minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| Right to the right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're lower right. | ||
| There was a drunk asshole and you're like, oh, this is not gonna work. | ||
| I can tell you right now, this is not gonna work. | ||
| Was it a Dice Mean moment? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The guy was hammered. | ||
| Because I had to yell at him first, and then he came out. | ||
| Remember, when he got up and walked out, he didn't know what the fuck was even happening. | ||
| He was so drunk. | ||
| Well, that's why I want him out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Don't try to help me up there. | ||
| You couldn't have worked with that guy. | ||
| No, I couldn't. | ||
| There are certain guys that are just so hammered. | ||
| There's nowhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought I calmed him down. | |
| And then I thought, you know, with the band coming out, that he would be cool. | ||
| And they think it's a joke when they say I'm going to throw you out. | ||
| I'll give them a chance. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, I'll always give him a chance. | ||
| Go sit in the corner. | ||
| What about the night I start going to the back of the theater? | ||
| Sit in the corner for 30 seconds. | ||
| What about when I start going to the back of the theater when the guy got me mad? | ||
| He walked out to go at a guy. | ||
| Yeah, I left the mic. | ||
| I went after him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| Let us work security. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| There was a guy in the back of the room, got on my nerves, and I'm going, get security out of this. | ||
| Get this guy out of here. | ||
| And nobody's coming. | ||
| So I go, look, I'll throw you out personally. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I don't know what you look like. | ||
| I don't know what, you know, I'm coming to get you. | ||
| And I just went towards the back. | ||
| And by the time I was nearly there, they had security pulling the guy out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, you want to hear the best? | ||
| Oh, this is great. | ||
| A couple of weeks ago, my governor's in Long Island. | ||
| And like, you know, now and then I get the real asshole. | ||
| And there's a guy with dark glasses like me and he's fucking drunk and being an asshole. | ||
| So I said, open your fucking mouth again and I'll throw you the fuck out of here. | ||
| Let's see what happens. | ||
| You know, and the guy's just yelling. | ||
| He don't even know what he's yelling. | ||
| So, you know, they got tough guys working at Governor's. | ||
| So they come to throw the guy out. | ||
| After the show, Don Jameson goes, you missed the greatest thing I ever saw at one of your shows. | ||
| I go, what happened? | ||
| He goes, you know the guy you threw out? | ||
| He was blind. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, not only was he blind, he was fighting for the guys here. | ||
| Going, fucking dice! | ||
| I'll kick his fucking ass! | ||
| I'll dare him talk to me like that! | ||
| And these guys couldn't hold him down. | ||
| They said he had like retarded strength. | ||
| You know, and he's swinging his fucking stick at them. | ||
| He's swinging the stick. | ||
| I go, well, you know, it's not like he had a dog with him that I could know he's blind. | ||
| All I know is he was a drunk asshole and he got what was coming to him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But, you know, I would have liked to see that at least to get it on film. | ||
| You know, that's a great YouTube piece. | ||
| They're filming anything. | ||
| Why didn't the guy take out his phone and film them fighting him so he could put it on YouTube? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He didn't even see them coming to throw him out. | |
| We're eventually all going to have those Google Goggles on and you won't need a YouTube or an iPhone. | ||
| We're going to film everything you see through your eyes. | ||
| They're already working on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The chips are already going to get in? | |
| Yeah, there's just no privacy anymore. | ||
| This Google Goggles is legit, man. | ||
| You put it on, it's got a little small lens in the corner. | ||
| It's like you're a fucking Terminator. | ||
| It's like you have this readout. | ||
| You could get navigation. | ||
| And every asshole is going to buy it. | ||
| You could take photos. | ||
| You're going to make video, you're going to be able to broadcast a video. | ||
| What happened to figuring shit out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, what happened to fun? | |
| Well, what happened to progress and technological innovation? | ||
| It's going to keep going. | ||
| You're not going to stop it. | ||
| If you want a car, you've got to deal with the consequences that people want in time travel, okay? | ||
| Because it all comes from the same place. | ||
| It all comes from people figuring out amazing shit. | ||
| People figure out amazing shit, and they never stop. | ||
| They will never fucking stop, ever. | ||
| And Google Goggles is going to lead to Google Contact Lenses, which is going to lead to Google Neural Implants, which is going to lead to who knows what kind of fucking... | ||
| That's going to lead to my retirement. | ||
| I'm getting those kind of implants. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Are you getting those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'll see why not. | |
| Get some tits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like Pamela's? | |
| Before you die, what the fuck? | ||
| She always talks about it, you know what I mean? | ||
| She's a very nice girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's she going to do? | |
| Don't stuff your ass, though. | ||
| She's only... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't what? | |
| Your ass. | ||
| Oh, I have an ass. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You don't understand her dimensions. | ||
| She's not built for big tits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't know that. | |
| She's got plenty. | ||
| Oh no, you're eight and a half feet wide. | ||
| You're eight and a half inches wide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am not eight and a half feet wide. | |
| If you measure her width and her depth. | ||
| I'm telling you, look at her. | ||
| Have you seen what Kim Kardashian has done to her ass? | ||
| I don't pay any attention. | ||
| Apparently, there's a new video of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like Armenians. | |
| And some guy on YouTube said it looked like she was wearing a diaper filled with pudding. | ||
| She's got another ass job. | ||
| She's got her ass larger. | ||
| Wait, that's not real? | ||
| No, no doubt. | ||
| I don't know why she quit the film career. | ||
| She probably had a half a decent... | ||
| Well, she only had one shot at it. | ||
| I mean, I don't mind the reality show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She wants more videos. | |
| Yeah, I mean, that fucking movie she made, she was on the money. | ||
| Wouldn't it be great to watch her fuck one of those giant super athletes that she fucks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I want her to stay away from the athlete. | |
| Even the movie she did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let her play with Kanye. | |
| Even that movie she did, like, nobody really talks about it enough. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because she was a natural. | ||
| Great work. | ||
| Well, she's a natural attention whore. | ||
| Great work. | ||
| No, but what I'm saying is, why quit cinema now that you got your TV show? | ||
| Well, she thinks that dad got her to the dance, but there's more money legitimately in commercials, like for Skechers, when you go to the airport, and you go to put your fucking wallet in the bin, and you look at Kim Kardashian's ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would much rather see her suck on dick from morning, noon, and night. | |
| I would, too. | ||
| Let me see the ass. | ||
| This is really strange. | ||
| Yeah, it's really strange. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| Look at her ass. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't even look real. | ||
| Like, watch. | ||
| Watch when they focus on it. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi, Kim. | |
| Check it, check it, check it. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| She's wearing a diaper filled with pudding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, you're right. | |
| I'm right. | ||
| Back it up a little bit, Brian. | ||
| Back it up a little bit just to show us my thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can we do it in slow motion? | |
| She's, listen, don't get me wrong. | ||
| I'm not hating. | ||
| Dude, this part is the boring part. | ||
| You want to get past this? | ||
| Yeah, let's go. | ||
| And you want to go to the other? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi, Kim. | |
| Yeah, here. | ||
| Not this part. | ||
| From here on. | ||
| This is where it gets crazy. | ||
| Slow motion. | ||
| Look what's going on there. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| That's not even real. | ||
| That is not real, man. | ||
| She's doing something crazy because it doesn't match her legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She looks like the penguin in that Batman movie. | |
| Dude, it's not real because her upper body's not changing. | ||
| Her arms aren't changing. | ||
| She's stuffing her ass like a turkey. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| It's absolute, complete madness. | ||
| Which, by the way, she had a beautiful body to begin with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what it is? | |
| They get so affected that they can't do enough, like when they blow out their lips like Betty Boop. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They do that whole, you know, with the fucking lips. | ||
| Yeah, that's sad. | ||
| None of it works. | ||
| The lips don't work. | ||
| Especially for a young girl. | ||
| Somebody that doesn't need the shit. | ||
| But tits work. | ||
| It does work. | ||
| Yeah, but she doesn't have the frame as a supporter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You sound like my brother. | |
| You shouldn't do it. | ||
| You should get the tits. | ||
| She does not have the frame. | ||
| I probably would have already done it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I should have done it. | ||
| I do have the frame. | ||
| If I was a girl, I'd probably have giant tits. | ||
| I'd probably have 38 double Ds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I'm going to put crutches. | |
| I'm going to put crutches under them. | ||
| I'm going to put crutches under them. | ||
| I wouldn't even think of work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how big. | |
| Put little crutches in front of me and I'll walk like that. | ||
| Wheelers? | ||
| Put some wheels on them? | ||
| Yeah, she always talks about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| But that's not right. | ||
| Here's the 300. Go snap them on. | ||
| 300. Breasts are somewhat acceptable. | ||
| Every man would prefer natural breasts. | ||
| Breasts are somewhat acceptable, but the ass is wrong. | ||
| It's wrong. | ||
| I have a big ass, so I don't care. | ||
| Especially when a woman can have really nice legs just by working out. | ||
| That's what we like. | ||
| I don't know about you, but this is what I buy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do work out with kettlebells, by the way. | |
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Check out this ass. | |
| Katy Perry, the other day at one of those water parks, she lost her bottoms. | ||
| She has big boobies. | ||
| Where? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here, let me get to it. | |
| Right here. | ||
| She has big boobies, too. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Oh, that's Photoshop, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not. | |
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there's a lot of photos. | |
| There's people just taking photos. | ||
| I would pull her right out of that pool and lick it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| This is where we think the same way, Joe. | ||
| I think that, but first of all, I don't buy that that just happened and she's out swimming with a bunch of fucking civilians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought it was a suntan ad. | |
| This is all it's about. | ||
| This is a publicity stunt. | ||
| It looks like the little girl for the suntan ad. | ||
| They did it on purpose. | ||
| They're trying to get more people to go see her movie. | ||
| The box office returns probably weren't what they expected. | ||
| So let's find out more about Katie. | ||
| Now that we've seen her ass, this is her movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| I'm not buying it, goddammit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not buying it either. | |
| I love all of you, but I have to go. | ||
| You know, I don't buy it, but I enjoy it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do too. | |
| She's got a fantastic ass. | ||
| If I had an ass like that, I'd want the world to see it. | ||
| Dip your dick in and move on. | ||
| I'll show everybody. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Ustream. | ||
| Ustream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I show my butt? | |
| You just showed... | ||
| You can show an ass. | ||
| What was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Valerie has a picture of my ass on her Facebook. | |
| Was that to get fucking Russell Crowe? | ||
| Because she's not with him. | ||
| This is the new guy dipping his dick in and crow. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| All these filthy fucking slobs out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His wife gave me a spray tan. | |
| She has a company called Beauty is Pain. | ||
| Are you enjoying it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she took a picture of me and put it on Facebook. | |
| Yeah, my wife does all the hair and makeup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's on Facebook and Beauty is Pain. | |
| She's unbelievable, but she's just practicing. | ||
| So she got the spray tan machine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm so white that it looks hilarious. | |
| So she paints you orange? | ||
| Yeah, no, but what you did, she put a tent in the backyard the other day. | ||
| Red Van will find it. | ||
| She put a tent. | ||
| Don't you shut up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You shut up! | |
| I'm trying to promote Valerie! | ||
| Oh, come on, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you believe what I got to go through? | |
| Next time, no girls. | ||
| I'm nice enough to put her on your show. | ||
| Yeah, no girls. | ||
| And she just has zero respect for men. | ||
| They got to know when to talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do know when to talk. | |
| When somebody's being an asshole. | ||
| So, you know, I came home on Saturday with Max and... | ||
| So she had like a barbecue with a spray tanning party. | ||
| But I wasn't allowed to film a look because they like got to get undressed. | ||
| And Miss Panties comes out, you know, just in her panties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not shy. | |
| And I'm like, I can't film this. | ||
| You know, I can't, you know, I need the footage here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Because, you know, that's like the one thing Eleanor's got going on. | ||
| You know, the back... | ||
| She got a big ass? | ||
| There's a guy on Twitter that says that Kim Kardashian actually got an x-ray of her ass to show and prove that it's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought she did that. | |
| His name is Ryan... | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Then she's just eating too much ranch dressing. | ||
| I'll say it again. | ||
| Ryan, I mostly. | ||
| No, there's no way. | ||
| There's my wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's Eleanor. | |
| How's there a picture? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Valerie did. | |
| Where'd the picture come from? | ||
| It's on your wife's Twitter. | ||
| Eleanor, you have a fine dumper. | ||
| Yeah, you see what I mean? | ||
| Is there more? | ||
| There's another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't look at it. | |
| Oh my God, Valerie. | ||
| Is there any more? | ||
| You're so full of shit. | ||
| You told us about it. | ||
| You knew he was going to search for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought there was only one. | |
| I thought there was only one. | ||
| Girls are so goddamn predictable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, I thought there was only one. | |
| Oh, I can't believe you're seeing my nice body in a photographic form. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't care. | |
| I told you it was online and now you're looking at it? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought she only had one up there. | |
| I don't care. | ||
| I took the picture for her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You told us. | |
| You do care. | ||
| Because I want to promote her stuff. | ||
| Just say what the fucking Facebook is. | ||
| Beauty is pain! | ||
| You wanted everybody to see your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it? | |
| Just beauty is pain? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Beauty is pain. | ||
| Right there, look. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You wanted everyone to see your ass. | ||
| And what's the PGW about them? | ||
| Isn't that a code? | ||
| The show's a code. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you like the Olive Garden? | |
| I have to go. | ||
| Next time there'll be no girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bullshit! | |
| Why no girls? | ||
| I'm not really a girl. | ||
| Dice is not allowed to come with girls. | ||
| There's too much animosity, too much history between you guys, too much crossover where you don't realize it's a podcast. | ||
| You're both talking at the same time. | ||
| It's too crazy. | ||
| I'm trying to promote a special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to come on by myself. | |
| That's going to help you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to come on by myself. | |
| See how you're just overlapping? | ||
| Oh, you will. | ||
| You're just overlapping. | ||
| You're just overlapping. | ||
| Guess who's fired? | ||
| Guess who's fired? | ||
| Now you're fired. | ||
| The Dice Man coming to St. Charles, Illinois. | ||
| Andrew Dice Clay Showtime Special. | ||
| The Arcada Theater on Saturday. | ||
| Don't steal my employees, man. | ||
| Saturday, August 25th, the Arcata Theater. | ||
| Go to OSHOWS.com or call the theater at 630-962-7000. | ||
| You want to be there. | ||
| You want to be there for history. | ||
| He says this is his last special. | ||
| I say bullshit because if it was anything like what I saw in Vegas, people are going to fucking demand you produce more of that. | ||
| But it's not that I'm not retiring or anything. | ||
| More specials, sir! | ||
|
unidentified
|
More specials! | |
| I plan on touring a lot. | ||
| That's what I really want to do. | ||
| Well, listen, that's what I want to see, man. | ||
| It was a fucking awesome time seeing you in Vegas, I was just going to say. | ||
| I love that there's guys like you out there. | ||
| It's so important to me as a person who loves stand-up comedy. | ||
| And even if I never did stand-up again in my whole life, I'm a fucking fan of it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| And going to see you live was really fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree. | |
| And don't think I didn't love that you guys were there. | ||
| I know, sure. | ||
| Because when your fellow comics come to see you, you know, it's like exciting. | ||
| So you know that show was for you and the guys. | ||
| Yeah, we loved it. | ||
| You know, that performance was about you and the guys. | ||
| I couldn't care less if everybody else left the room. | ||
| It fires me up creatively when I go see a show. | ||
| Like the last time I saw a show before yours was Norton's. | ||
| And it just gets me so fired up to perform and to write. | ||
| You know, and I think that we really, comics really feed off other comics and we get inspired by other comics. | ||
| So to really be able to sit down and have a, to watch a real show was really a lot of time. | ||
| A lot of fun, man. | ||
| I just want to say thank you. | ||
| And thanks to Eleanor for interrupting. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Everybody knows we were kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do you say it like that? | |
| Just kidding. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Everybody knows we were kidding. | ||
| Yes, we love each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We all love each other. | |
| And Eleanor really is. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how much better you got, but when I saw you in Irvine, which was more than two years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's got to be. | |
| Yeah, because I'm almost, well, February will be six years. | ||
| Yeah, I was really blown away. | ||
| I mean, you were really professional already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| But you know what it was? | ||
| It's like you saw so much shit comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
None of the best. | |
| You saw so many old, dying road hacks that would do the same act for decade after decade and do Nixon jokes and shit. | ||
| You'd be like, buddy, it's 2000! | ||
| It's 2000! | ||
| And people were doing jokes about Ford. | ||
| Nobody knows who Ford is, but it was back when Eleanor was working there. | ||
| I was waiting to tell you that. | ||
| And, you know, it's awesome that you're doing comedy because it was beautiful to watch you on stage that night. | ||
| I was like, finally, you know? | ||
| You nailed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you a million times. | |
| She is phenomenal. | ||
| Without Andrew's help. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| She always wanted to do comedy, and she's great at it. | ||
| You've got to do it yourself. | ||
| Every night before she goes on, we pound each other, and I open the curtain for her. | ||
| I never miss a show, no matter what's going on. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Have like the feeling that I know my open is going out and killing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's just somebody that happens to be family to me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And then of course with Max. | ||
| And now we have the LA Rocks. | ||
| Now we got LA Rocks and my boys are just fucking slamming it. | ||
| I've been trying to tell all my comedian friends that hate the road. | ||
| I'm like, you gotta go out with other friends. | ||
| You gotta go out with your boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the only way to do it. | |
| It's the only way to do it. | ||
| You're wasting your time. | ||
| If you go out and you work with some local headliner who wants to blow you off the stage. | ||
| You'll kill yourself. | ||
| Yeah, and they step on your material on purpose. | ||
| I mean, it happens to a lot of my friends. | ||
| They'll do gigs, and a guy will see their act the first night, and the second night they bring up the same subjects on purpose. | ||
| They try to kill their best bits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, because they want to have a better set than you. | ||
| He knows. | ||
| He's got a dummy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're right. | |
| He's from Brooklyn. | ||
| I'm very spoiled being with Andrew. | ||
| I'm treated very well in that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| He lets me do my own thing. | ||
| And the crowds know who you are. | ||
| I always tell her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just feel, just really think up there is what he always says. | |
| I never give her a time. | ||
| I just say, when you peek, Yeah. | ||
| Just get off. | ||
| Listen, I'm going to say it right now. | ||
| You guys both together need a podcast. | ||
| You know how fucking easy it would be? | ||
| This is all you need. | ||
| This is all you need. | ||
| An iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Say what? | |
| You're on a plane. | ||
| Listen, listen. | ||
| You're on a plane. | ||
| You are in a restaurant. | ||
| You're in your hotel room. | ||
| Wherever you are, you're having an argument. | ||
| Turn on your iPhone. | ||
| Turn on your fucking iPhone and record the argument and then just put Dice vs. | ||
| Eleanor and put it on iTunes. | ||
| And anytime you guys get in an argument, you record Dice vs. | ||
| Eleanor and have it a fucking long-running gag of real arguments. | ||
| You can't fake your arguments. | ||
| Oh, we have some good ones. | ||
| That would be fucking hilarious. | ||
| Because even today, she's going to get yelled at for just talking at the same time, like not letting somebody finish. | ||
| Well, Brian Callen, Chris D'Elia, and Will Sasso have this 10-minute podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I love it. | |
| It's a great idea. | ||
| It's only 10 minutes. | ||
| So with you guys, you'd never know what kind of an argument you're into. | ||
| It might be a half an hour. | ||
| It might be the podcast might be... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but that's not fun for me. | |
| She annoys me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You annoy me. | |
| But it's fun for us. | ||
| No, but you annoy me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You jump at me for no reason. | |
| But I'm your boss. | ||
| Dice versus... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm your boss. | |
| That's not a way to treat an employee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am your boss. | |
| Right, Max. | ||
| You do not treat an employee like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are the boss, yeah. | |
| That's right. | ||
| I'm the boss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you don't let him treat you like shit? | |
| How come my son knows when to talk and when not to talk? | ||
| Dice versus Eleanor on Twitter. | ||
| You just go and go and go. | ||
| I do go and go and go. | ||
| And then it's the thread of the brother. | ||
| I'll tell my brothers. | ||
| I'll tell my brothers. | ||
| Forget Eleanor, you're going to be quiet for a moment here. | ||
| Thanks, Dice. | ||
| Thanks for doing the show. | ||
| I really appreciate it. | ||
| You're welcome, Joe. | ||
| As a longtime fan, it's an honor to be your friend. | ||
| It's an honor to have you on the podcast. | ||
| And I feel the same exact way about you. | ||
| And we would love to have full death squad support of the Dice Man come at the St. Charles, Illinois. | ||
| Go out there, folks. | ||
| Buy those tickets. | ||
| I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart, as a comic... | ||
| Who's been a comic for almost 25 years. | ||
| That was a great fucking show. | ||
| And me and Jim Norton, two long-time professionals, and Bobby Kelly, long-time professional, we fucking howled. | ||
| We had a great time. | ||
| Love fucking Bobby Kelly. | ||
| Love him. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| You're going to love it. | ||
| Go out and see it. | ||
| Go to OShows.com. | ||
| Go to the Arcada Theater and the showtimes are at 7 and 9.30 p.m. | ||
| So go buy some tickets, you dirty bitches, and support the man. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| Thanks to OnIt.com for supporting our podcast. | ||
| Thanks to Alienware for sponsoring us and giving us these badass fucking computers. | ||
| And most important, not sponsoring us, rather, providing us with computers. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'll use one if they give me one. | ||
| Well, I'll get you one. | ||
| I'll get you one. | ||
| I'll use that. | ||
| They would love to have you use them. | ||
| This is what's important to me. | ||
| They sponsor a lot of fighters. | ||
| I was looking at that. | ||
| I love the little face. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Is that a ladybug? | ||
| No, it's an alien. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's an alien. | |
| Oh, no, because it looks like an alien bug. | ||
| You should make a DICE model that's a ladybug. | ||
| It's a great computer if you like to play games. | ||
| It looks good. | ||
| If you want to play games, it's literally like a desktop gaming computer that you can carry around with you. | ||
| Which most laptops, they don't have the horsepower to deliver high-speed graphics. | ||
| So when you play games on them, they look shitty and clunky. | ||
| But you could go to MySpace and everything, too? | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Email? | ||
| Yeah, you can go to Friendster. | ||
| You can do whatever you gotta do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just log in. | |
| You've got mail. | ||
| Yeah, you can go check out your AOL mail. | ||
| Yeah, you can do whatever you want with it. | ||
| It's a real computer. | ||
| I mean, it's Windows. | ||
| It's a great computer. | ||
| I gotta look at that. | ||
| And as far, like I said, as far as gaming computers, they're top of the food chain. | ||
| Redband, you have one? | ||
| They gave you one? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a 3D one. | ||
| So, what's the guy's name? | ||
| Well, the guy I deal with, his name is Cody from Alienware. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cody, listen. | |
| Brian Butler from Sucker Punch Entertainment. | ||
| Yeah, I need like three of them. | ||
| Three of them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Inappropriate. | |
| Listen. | ||
| No, no, because I'm going to use them. | ||
| I'm going to show a lot of people it. | ||
| Maybe if you start a podcast or something, they'll hook you up with three. | ||
| It's going to be hard to get three out of them. | ||
| Yeah, but they probably got them in the trunk. | ||
|
unidentified
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You know what I mean? | |
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com. | ||
| If you're interested in any supplements, go to Onnit.com and check out what we've got to offer. | ||
| Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Take Immune, Bone Strong, a new bone density supplement. | ||
| What, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Yes, did you know that certain substances have been shown to increase The fucking strength of your bones, son. | ||
| Go get yourself some kettlebells. | ||
| The guy you know with the kettlebells, I'll take a couple of them. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| I sell them. | ||
| Oh, you sell them. | ||
| They're your brand? | ||
| Well, we sell them on Onnit. | ||
| I'm a part owner on Onnit.com. | ||
| Double J Kettle Bowl. | ||
| Kettleballs? | ||
| Kettle Bowl. | ||
| No, but it's Kettlebell. | ||
| Kettle Bowl. | ||
| Yeah, but you could have the Double J Kettle Bowls. | ||
| I don't think you'd want to hear that. | ||
| You know, and you give it, like, the look. | ||
| Brian, you silly, silly, silly bitch. | ||
| Onnit.com, for supplements, use the code name ROGA. Try out the new HempForce protein powder to answer questions. | ||
| No, HempForce will not make you test positive. | ||
| For THC. You can take hemp force. | ||
| It has no psychoactive substance in it whatsoever. | ||
| But it does have maca, which makes your dick hard, and raw cocoa, which is a powerful antioxidant, and it's sweetened by stevia. | ||
| So it's only one gram of sugar per serving, and it fucking tastes delicious, and it's really easy to digest. | ||
| It's not cheap stuff. | ||
| It's expensive. | ||
| But it's the highest quality stuff that we could sell. | ||
| Can I ask you something about that? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It doesn't have, like, that stuff in it that you shouldn't have? | ||
| No, there's no artificial sweeteners in it. | ||
| It's only sweetened by stevia, which is actually just a plant extract. | ||
| But what about, like, the ephedera stuff and all that? | ||
| No, no, no, none of that. | ||
| None of that. | ||
| I would try that, then. | ||
| Well, it is the best plant-based protein powder you can buy, and it's the most easily digestible protein powder. | ||
| It doesn't give you any bloating. | ||
| I love whey protein powder. | ||
| I love, like, muscle milk and those things. | ||
| They're delicious. | ||
| But, they make me fart, man. | ||
| They give you a bloated feeling sometimes. | ||
| It's not the same clean feeling that I get when I eat hemp protein powder. | ||
| I think it's one of the most easily digestible. | ||
| But, if you're interested in any of this stuff, go to Onnit.com for supplements. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 10% off. | ||
| For battle ropes and kettle bells, that code name does not work because we sell them as cheap as is humanly possible. | ||
| They're the best quality athletic and sports equipment things that are available. | ||
| And that's all we're ever going to sell. | ||
| If we sell it, it's the best shit that we can get. | ||
| It's stuff that we would use ourselves. | ||
| And with the supplements, there's a 30-day, or excuse me, for first order of 30 pills, 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| You don't even have to bring back the supplements. | ||
| You just say, I didn't like AlphaBrain. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| You're going to like it because it's fucking awesome. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. | ||
| All right, you dirty freaks. | ||
| Tomorrow, the great Everlast will join us, and I'm going to do a nighttime podcast with Brian's best friend, Duncan Trussell. | ||
| We'll see you dirty bitches soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And don't forget Death Squad Friday at the Ice House. | |
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| Super Show, Ridiculously Stacked, Greg Fitzsimmons, Dom Irera, who else? | ||
| Joey Diaz! | ||
| Joey motherfucking Diaz! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tony Hinchcliffe! | |
| Tony Hinchcliffe! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And maybe a special guest. | |
| And maybe a special guest. | ||
| And me, bitches. | ||
| So, Friday night. | ||
| We're in top form. | ||
| These shows have been fucking spectacular. | ||
| Never had better Ice House Chronicles podcast. | ||
| Never had better shows. | ||
| We're having the time of our fucking lives here in Pasadena. | ||
| And it's mostly because of you guys. | ||
| I mean, we have to show up. | ||
| But if you guys didn't send us so many positive tweets, and if there wasn't such an awesome group of human beings that meets us at every city all over the world, it wouldn't be nearly as fun. | ||
| So thank you all. | ||
| We appreciate the fuck out of you. | ||
| And we'll see you soon. |
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