Aug. 7, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:10:35
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Oh shit, you dirty bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait! | |
| What? | ||
| No? | ||
| Now? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You fucked up my flow, Brian. | ||
| I had a false start out of the gate. | ||
| But like Usain Bolt, I will recover from my shitty start. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. | ||
| Makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, New Mood, Strong Bone, all these different things. | ||
| Well, the big one is Alpha Brain. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| That's the one I rely on. | ||
| And I use all of them. | ||
| But to me, Alpha Brain's my baby. | ||
| I wouldn't give that shit up. | ||
| That stuff's amazing. | ||
| I've gotten Lorenzo Fertitta completely hooked on it. | ||
| I've gotten a lot of people hooked on it. | ||
| It's very effective. | ||
| What is it that are vitamins that enhance brain function? | ||
| Is it bullshit? | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe it's a placebo. | ||
| I don't think it is. | ||
| No, my crew from TripFlip, we were in Scotland, and I was having a rough morning. | ||
| And I was like, fuck it, I'm alpha-braining today. | ||
| And literally, they said, no more alpha-brain. | ||
| I said, why? | ||
| And they go, you will not shut the fuck up. | ||
| The whole van, I was just playing these games. | ||
| I was funny as shit, but they were like, you're fucking exhausting us. | ||
| My wife outlawed alpha-brain when I'm hanging out with my daughters. | ||
| I don't play with my daughters, I just think of jokes. | ||
| I'm just fucking firing. | ||
| I love this shit. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That sounds like you're high. | ||
| Like your wife is telling you not to get higher on your kids. | ||
| Well, she did say that. | ||
| It does not do that to me, man. | ||
| Are you dipping your alpha brain in cocaine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| But if you take some alpha brain and some coffee, you're fucking creative. | ||
| And this is the new thing I heard. | ||
| If you put a little bit of nicotine... | ||
| Nicotine gum is the shit. | ||
| Stimulates creativity. | ||
| Yeah, nicotine. | ||
| We had Rob Wolf on the podcast who talked about that, about nicotine gum being really good for creativity. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Apparently what's really bad about cigarettes is the 590 different things that they added to make them more addictive. | ||
| Which, you know, you want to know that you've been sold down a fucking river by politicians. | ||
| How about the fact that you're... | ||
| Fucking cigarettes have 590 ingredients and all those bitches do is make it easier to hook you. | ||
| What if cigarette companies added 20,000 good ingredients to it on top of the 500 bad ones because then it would be more good than that. | ||
| At the end of the day, man, you're still burning things and taking that burning chemicals into your mouth and that can cause cancer. | ||
| It just can. | ||
| You know, even the best case example of burning chemicals and then breathing it in, I don't see how that's going to help you. | ||
| The tobacco itself is not nearly as bad. | ||
| Just the burning plant matter is not nearly as bad. | ||
| What if they put a little bit of asparagus or aloe into that smoke, though? | ||
| Well, I think I'm saying for quitting. | ||
| I think tobacco is supposed to be like, if you like one of those American cigarettes, what are those things called? | ||
| American cigarettes. | ||
| Those are supposed to be easier to kick. | ||
| They're also harder to smoke and worse for you. | ||
| And they go out. | ||
| Everyone complains that they go out. | ||
| They just stop burning. | ||
| And they stop burning because they don't have all the shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the little gasoline in there to keep it running. | |
| Actually, cigarettes now have these things built into the paper. | ||
| At least in California, by law, they have to have these stoppers. | ||
| So when people flick cigarettes out the window, it used to be they'll just burn all the way to the filter. | ||
| But now they have these things that's built into the paper that stops it from smoking. | ||
| Which probably gives you even more cancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let's start adding to that. | ||
| That is the best thing I ever did is quit smoking and quit dipping. | ||
| I was addicted to dipping worse than anything. | ||
| That's like a grab bag of money. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| You know you shouldn't be selling that shit. | ||
| You know you shouldn't be hooking people on that stuff. | ||
| Get out of that business. | ||
| That's a creepy goddamn business. | ||
| But, what if your company was like Philip Morris Tobacco, and then you're driving a fucking Ferrari and flying around in a private jet, because you're poisoning all these fucks, so you have to keep, like, greasing politicians, and that's why you never hear any of these guys. | ||
| You never hear Obama, you never hear Bush, you never hear anybody talk about getting rid of cigarettes. | ||
| They never do! | ||
| They talk about homosexuality, they talk about everything. | ||
| They talk about Trayvon Martin, but they don't talk about fucking cigarettes once. | ||
| Cigarettes kill four... | ||
| This is a conservative estimate. | ||
| It could be more. | ||
| 400,000 people a year. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She'll just add a special effect to it. | |
| Brian was smoking a cigarette on his way over here right after strep throat. | ||
| You'd have to wrap your fucking head around that, man. | ||
| That's a lot of goddamn people. | ||
| That's a half a million people. | ||
| A picture of a stack of bodies and they were all rotting all because of cigarettes. | ||
| That is really crazy. | ||
| That is fucking crazy. | ||
| That is fucking astounding. | ||
| Any other product, if they had that number, they'd be like, fucking wrap it. | ||
| Can you imagine if kale did that? | ||
| How quickly they'd take out the kale farmers? | ||
| If kale was killing 400,000 people a year, could you fucking imagine? | ||
| But people are like, well, I like it, though. | ||
| It helps me stay thin. | ||
| I shit so much better with kale. | ||
| I love when I see green shit on the toilet paper. | ||
| Could you imagine if kale killed one person, they would shut down the fucking kale factories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But cigarettes are just steady vampire. | ||
| I'm sure kale's killed more than one person. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Because salad always gets that disease on it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Nose. | ||
| Nose. | ||
| Stop right now. | ||
| Stop right now. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| No, that's not how they've killed people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The worst medical diagnosis of all time. | |
| It has Selma Hayek. | ||
| Selma Hayek in it? | ||
| Selma Hayek? | ||
| Your conversation was running with snowshoes on through mud. | ||
| Salmonella. | ||
| With ski goggles on and two baseball gloves on each hand. | ||
| Well, yeah, that is true that a lot of people have gotten sick. | ||
| I think it's E. coli. | ||
|
unidentified
|
E. coli. | |
| E. coli. | ||
| From eating spinach, especially. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And apparently it's because the way some farms are set up, the shit from the cows actually runs down. | ||
| Like, the water from that shit will get onto the crops. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And that can have E. coli. | ||
| And one of the reasons why it can have E. coli is because they're giving these cows things they're not supposed to be eating. | ||
| To make them fatter. | ||
| To make them fatter, like grains. | ||
| Cattle, we're supposed to eat grass. | ||
| That's where their natural food is. | ||
| So when you don't give them grass, they apparently can get really sick with E. coli, and then that shit gets onto the spinach. | ||
| So it all goes back to farming like an asshole. | ||
| I think people have died from that. | ||
| So kale has killed... | ||
| I don't know if it's kale. | ||
| No, more people have choked on kale. | ||
| It's spinach, though. | ||
| Spinach. | ||
| Spinach has killed people. | ||
| And the funny thing is, I did a morning show thing in Omaha, and they had a farmer that was talking about his grass-fed steak. | ||
| You gotta try. | ||
| I do grass-fed, and so he gets done the thing, and I go, so what is it? | ||
| Does grass-fed taste better? | ||
| He goes, no, not at all. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, it actually has less flavor. | ||
| I go, then what's the thing? | ||
| He goes, oh, it's just what I do. | ||
| The reason it's grass-fed is like fucking nothing. | ||
| Well, that's a weird, for him, that's a weird thing to say because I prefer the taste of grass-fed. | ||
| It's more gamey. | ||
| It's more gamey, I'm sure. | ||
| The ones that are corn-fed, you know, they're just fat as fuck. | ||
| They're also awesome. | ||
| Those are real. | ||
| Oh my god, I fucking love steak. | ||
| Rib-eyes, fat rib-eye. | ||
| Yeah, the preparation is disgusting. | ||
| You're fucking up these animals. | ||
| But god damn, we make a good steak. | ||
| Let's get out of this commercial, dude. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is still the commercial, but the bottom line is people have been complaining that our commercials have been boring. | ||
| Yeah, because we're missing the sexiness. | ||
| We need another sexy thing. | ||
| Well, maybe. | ||
| Something I could fuck. | ||
| You feel like we're missing something not having the Fleshlight as a sponsor? | ||
| Wait, Fleshlight's not a sponsor anymore? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I think it's crazy. | ||
| I don't feel comfortable with it at all. | ||
| I miss talking about fucking gross sex toys. | ||
| You need to grow, son. | ||
| You need to get out of that. | ||
| It's enough. | ||
| We can only... | ||
| I mean, we did 200 plus podcasts when we talked about... | ||
| We talked about rubber buses. | ||
| Wait, how much? | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| How much? | ||
| How hard it is to do that? | ||
| How much would it cost for a sponsorship? | ||
| Like, give me a ballpark. | ||
| We don't talk about this in the air. | ||
| I don't want to talk about it, because maybe I'll just have Travel Channel sponsor this show. | ||
| Do you have Olive Garden kind of money? | ||
| Yeah, no, I'll get Travel Channel on the trip flip, so you have to talk about trip flip at the beginning of every fucking show! | ||
| You got it out early! | ||
| I'll do it seven more times. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. What is AlphaBrain? | ||
| Listen, if you go to Onnit.com, everything will be explained. | ||
| It is a very comprehensive website, including all the science behind AlphaBrain. | ||
| I stole the ingredients. | ||
| Nutrients. | ||
| Just like you said. | ||
| 5-HCP, yeah. | ||
| That stuff's great. | ||
| Does anything have melatonin in, like any of the Onnit products have like a sleeping aid, like melatonin? | ||
| They should do that. | ||
| Melatonin's awesome. | ||
| They should do like new mood bonus, turbo style or something like that. | ||
| Like for sleep? | ||
| Yeah, or like super new mood. | ||
| Well, I think the new mood would be almost the opposite because it's a boosting, like an enlightening. | ||
| Yeah, but it relaxes you also. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think for some folks, some people have a little bit more tension, so it probably alleviates a little bit of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They should call it just something cool like It's amazing though that they figured out someone can do that. | |
| Pass the fuck out. | ||
| Pass the fuck out. | ||
| Chill. | ||
| Chill dog. | ||
| That would be awesome if they made a melatonin. | ||
| Chill dog. | ||
| Don't be such a douche. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And spell it like D-A-W-G. Yeah, D-A-W-G for sure. | |
| I emailed on it this weekend on Twitter and asked them to come up with something for alcohol. | ||
| To like... | ||
| Make the turnaround better or something? | ||
| Yeah, hangover juice. | ||
| You're not going to do anything. | ||
| You're poisoning yourself. | ||
| But what you can help, two things can help. | ||
| One, water. | ||
| And two, nootropics. | ||
| And three, battle ropes. | ||
| Yeah, if you take a bunch of new mood and a bunch of alpha brain if you're hungover and drink a... | ||
| You have to drink a fuckload of water. | ||
| And you should almost always take nutrients with food. | ||
| Your body absorbs them better if they're connected to fats and carbohydrates. | ||
| So you should always take pills with food. | ||
| But as far as I'm, you know, I think the real problem is dehydration. | ||
| You know, you're poisoning yourself and alcohol is an amino suppressant. | ||
| It's a diuretic. | ||
| It's like you're really like sending your body through some shit. | ||
| It's the only way to recover from that is time, water, food, good food. | ||
| Give it a chance to go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I get a little bit of sleep the night before, I feel like if I stop drinking and then do some shit and then go to bed, I feel fucking so much better. | ||
| But when I wake up and I have that beer on the bed stand next to me, just staring at me like a gay lover, like we had a weird fucking night last night. | ||
| Anyway, onit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. If you order the first 30 pills and you have an opportunity to try it out, and if you don't like it, you get a 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| The idea is that what we're selling you is really good. | ||
| It's really effective. | ||
| And I don't want anybody to ever feel ripped off. | ||
| It's more important for me that people feel like this is an even deal than it is to make money. | ||
| So we have 100% money back guarantee on the first 30 pills. | ||
| If you don't like it, just say it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You don't have to return it. | ||
| I'm telling you, it's some fascinating shit. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It helps me. | ||
| But also, diet helps me. | ||
| You know, vitamins, multivitamins, fish oil, everything. | ||
| You need to take care of your health, bitches. | ||
| Get on that shit. | ||
| But if you're interested in any of the nootropics that are available on AlphaBrain, use the code name ROGAN, and you'll save yourself 10% off. | ||
| And as I said, 100% money-back guarantee on the first 30 pills. | ||
| We also have, just in, kettlebells and battle ropes. | ||
| And these are the newest addition to the Onnit store. | ||
| And if you've never done kettlebell workouts before... | ||
| That's some manly man type shit. | ||
| It's like a cannonball with a handle on it. | ||
| There's a lot of videos online that will show you how to... | ||
| You can just go to YouTube if you want to learn how to do some of the exercises. | ||
| But my advice to you, if you're going to try it, start with a lightweight. | ||
| You'd be fucking amazed. | ||
| You can get a great workout with a 35-pound kettlebell. | ||
| There's a bunch of them online. | ||
| You could do 20 or something like that. | ||
| You could, not me, son. | ||
| That's where I draw the line. | ||
| 35 pounds. | ||
| You say 35 pounds though, and I heard that, and I was like, well, I'll get my 35 pound kettlebell and do those swings, and I'm not. | ||
| I'm a 25 pounder. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Efron came over to my house to show me how to do them. | ||
| I was doing them all. | ||
| So did you hurt yourself? | ||
| Yeah, fuck my backup. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta... | ||
| My advice is always start light. | ||
| And learn from an instructor if you can. | ||
| If you can afford to go to a gym and hire a guy for 20 bucks an hour, whatever they charge. | ||
| I mean, more than that, right? | ||
| 50 bucks an hour? | ||
| Or you can just go to a John Heffron show. | ||
| John Heffron, I'll show you how to fucking work. | ||
| He's a certified instructor. | ||
| Yeah, he's a maniac. | ||
| Heffron's a maniac. | ||
| He's always doing something crazy like that, going all Anthony Robbins on you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's always trying to succeed. | ||
| Anyway, if you're interested in kettlebells, in my opinion, if I had to choose one method of strength and conditioning, I would choose bodyweight exercises and kettlebells. | ||
| Things like bodyweight squats, Bodyweight squats are a beast. | ||
| Yeah, Hindu squats. | ||
| Look that shit up online. | ||
| They're fucking ferocious. | ||
| I do 200 of them in a row. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| When you get towards the end, when you get close to 200, there's a guy named Carl Gotch who's this fucking crazy wrestler dude who's an awesome old catch wrestler. | ||
| He used to make his students do 500 of them before practice. | ||
| Before practice? | ||
| Yeah, 500 bodyweight squats before practice. | ||
| Just try doing fucking... | ||
| Just try doing 50 in your fucking hotel room. | ||
| And you are literally... | ||
| Unbelievably hard. | ||
| The idea behind kettlebells is that it makes your body work as one unit. | ||
| And I believe that with bodyweight squats and chin-ups and kettlebells, you can get in fucking phenomenal shape. | ||
| You don't really even need a gym. | ||
| You need to follow some videos that you can get online. | ||
| Steve Maxwell's got some great videos. | ||
| We're going to eventually put out a video. | ||
| So show you guys what I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I should put out a video and show you what not to do. | |
| I should be like, don't do it this way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And show me doing it completely wrong and just fall down. | |
| Poop everywhere. | ||
| There's a video of me doing kettlebells on TravelChannel.com. | ||
| And I was doing them and I thought I was murdering them. | ||
| And I fucking watch the video and I'm barely doing anything. | ||
| I look like my kids messing around with my weights. | ||
| What kind of exercise were you doing? | ||
| I was doing the fucking swings. | ||
| I read some article where a guy said he was going to do a thousand. | ||
| Yeah, they had this thing where they were going to do them in sets of a hundred over a really short amount of time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I heard that's super bad for you. | ||
| Yeah, really bad for you, but the guy lost like a ridiculous amount of weight just doing kettlebell swings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure. | |
| You put your body into extreme stress, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| That's the idea. | ||
| I've heard a lot of... | ||
| I'm really talking out of my ass. | ||
| I have a limited amount of knowledge, really, when it comes to... | ||
| That's why it smells in here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sheee! | |
| Ooh, that's a way to get out of a commercial! | ||
| Aura! | ||
| Brian, save the day. | ||
| Anyway, I don't know exactly what you need to do to get 100% fit. | ||
| I'm not an exercise physiologist, but I do know that one way that works extremely well in the method that I use is that. | ||
| Kettlebells. | ||
| They're fucking awesome. | ||
| Kettlebells, bodyweight exercises, that's all I do. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| I'll do whatever the fuck I want, but what I'm telling you is... | ||
| Kettlebells. | ||
| Tell me what to do, bitch. | ||
| What I'm saying is kettlebells are the shit. | ||
| Alright, go to Onnit.com. | ||
| The code name Rogan does not work with the kettlebells or the battle ropes because we sell those bitches as cheap as humanly possible. | ||
| They're not that expensive. | ||
| I thought it was going to be like $250 a kettlebell. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's affordable. | ||
| It's very problematic to try to send these giant fucking Cannonballs through the mail. | ||
| Cannonballs with handles. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It's like one of the dumbest things you could ever ship. | ||
| It's so expensive. | ||
| And the poor fucking people. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| The people in the post office getting the box. | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| A 90 pound kettlebell. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| Yeah, but awesome exercise equipment. | ||
| And we have a full line of them at Onnit.com. | ||
| We have packages. | ||
| I actually need to get a pair of these. | ||
| You need to get a pair of them, you fucking lazy bitch. | ||
| Do you have any extra ones around here? | ||
| I'll give you some. | ||
| I'll hook you up. | ||
| I'll hook you up. | ||
| You want some 20-pounders? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 20? | ||
| I'll start off with 20s. | ||
| Start off with some 20s? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should. | ||
| You gonna get in shape now? | ||
| No, I mean, just to me, kettlebell seems like the easiest thing to work. | ||
| Like, that's easy to work out. | ||
| You don't need to lay down. | ||
| You don't need to put weights on anything. | ||
| You just grab it and fucking do it. | ||
| You're done in 20 minutes. | ||
| I'll give you a workout that will fucking break your spirit in 20 minutes. | ||
| I want that workout. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| You gotta get in shape before you do it, though. | ||
| That's another thing. | ||
| Build slowly if you're not a person who's been doing a lot of exercises. | ||
| Our friend Kevin Pereira from Attack of the Show, he got crazy into weightlifting all at once. | ||
| And he hurt his knees. | ||
| He fucked his shoulder up. | ||
| He was doing heavy weights right away. | ||
| I think he had a guy training him that... | ||
| Was probably not conservative enough with how he, like, pushed him. | ||
| And he's got, like, knee problems now. | ||
| So don't, yeah, don't do that. | ||
| You know, be careful. | ||
| Get your shit together, bitches. | ||
| That's my message. | ||
| All right, ladies and gentlemen, the machine is here. | ||
| Cue the music, Brian. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day Powerful bird Chrysler My man. | ||
| What's happening, dude? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I just got back from Omaha. | ||
| Were you for your travel channel show? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I was doing stand-up. | ||
| A travel channel show got picked up for a second season. | ||
| Oh, that's amazing, man. | ||
| We took desk waters on a vacation. | ||
| Yeah, I heard. | ||
| You got some people that you picked up in the promenade? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I picked them up in the promenade, and I was walking by, and he's like, machine! | ||
| And I walked over, and you need people. | ||
| You need to interview as many people as possible. | ||
| So even people are like, especially when people are like, no thanks. | ||
| I'm like, please just talk to me anyway. | ||
| So we got to fill up our fucking day with interviews. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I go, he goes, I just came down to get a picture. | ||
| And I went, well, fuck it. | ||
| Come be on my show. | ||
| And he was like, seriously? | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| And then I started talking to them. | ||
| And I go, so what are you guys doing here? | ||
| And she says, you know, we came down to meet you. | ||
| We're in town for a wedding. | ||
| And we thought, let's fucking go to the promenade. | ||
| And he wanted to get his picture with you. | ||
| And I was like, hilarious. | ||
| And then I said, I go, I look at the dude, right? | ||
| Now, I I kind of know I got him because he listens to this podcast. | ||
| So I go, skip the fucking wedding. | ||
| And he goes, it's two weddings. | ||
| And I go, skip both of them. | ||
| And he looks at me and he goes, I'll fucking do it. | ||
| And his wife goes, honey, we can't, we can't. | ||
| It's my cousin's wedding and my roommate from college. | ||
| He goes, I don't even know her roommate from college. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And so they fucking... | |
| Weak hands on her part. | ||
| They skipped both fucking weddings. | ||
| They skipped one of the weddings just in case we called back to interview them again. | ||
| So they skipped. | ||
| Man, let me tell you something. | ||
| I had never had more fun with one dude in my entire life. | ||
| We shot machine guns. | ||
| We jumped off a three-story balcony. | ||
| It was the funnest fucking trip. | ||
| Then at the end of the trip, we're sitting there. | ||
| We wrapped. | ||
| We're having dinner as a group. | ||
| And he goes, I go, did you guys have a good time? | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| I just wanted to get a picture with you. | ||
| I fucking partied with you all weekend! | ||
| I was like, yeah! | ||
| What a fucking great day for that guy. | ||
| Oh, he was so fucking... | ||
| He was typical death squad, right? | ||
| We go to meet Celine Dion, and we're backstage. | ||
| You get three minutes with her. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And we got tickets to the show for them, for her. | ||
| And so I said to the guy, I go, Aaron... | ||
| Is three minutes too much? | ||
| Yeah, you can... | ||
| You can't last three minutes. | ||
| We only spent a minute fifteen. | ||
| That seems like a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine if it was that Celine Dion would fuck you for three minutes. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Imagine if that was the deal. | ||
| Imagine if our culture was so open that a woman like that would go and just fuck all of her fans for three minutes. | ||
| But there was a price to it and it went to charity. | ||
| I guarantee you you get some people to do it for charity. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| It's the ASPCA. Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Sucking dicks for charity. | ||
| Maybe we can combine two things that everybody loves. | ||
| Helping out the poor and blowjobs. | ||
| I'm fucking, I'm all in. | ||
| So he gets three minutes with Celine Dion, and I go, everyone get your questions ready. | ||
| We need to be tight, so everyone have your questions. | ||
| So the girl, I said, what's your question? | ||
| And the girl goes, I'm gonna ask her how she does it as a mother, as a working mother, how does she juggle it all? | ||
| And in my head, I'm like, wouldn't it be great if Celine Dion's like, I'm very, very wealthy. | ||
| I don't have to take care of my kids. | ||
| I apply on private jets, but she didn't. | ||
| She was like, I was like, great, great question. | ||
| Someone will get something that the Chit Network likes. | ||
| So I go, Aaron, what's your question? | ||
| And he goes, Dead fucking serious. | ||
| He goes, I'm going to ask her if she's ever seen Titanic. | ||
| I go, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| I go, that is the perfect question, Aaron. | ||
| You ask her that. | ||
| He goes, why? | ||
| Is that a dumb question? | ||
| I go, no, no, it's not dumb at all. | ||
| So we get in. | ||
| Celine Dion comes in. | ||
| She meets him. | ||
| She answers the question for the girl and then says to him... | ||
| I go, Aaron's got a question. | ||
| And he goes, I was wondering, in your career... | ||
| I go, stop it. | ||
| I go, stop. | ||
| And Celine's like, what? | ||
| And I go, you asked her the question you said you were going to ask. | ||
| And he goes, have you ever seen Titanic? | ||
| And Celine Dion breaks out laughing. | ||
| Goes, cut! | ||
| Who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| What kind of a horrible question is this? | ||
| Why did she say cut? | ||
| It's the dumbest question. | ||
| Did she ever see Titanic? | ||
| Who is she fucking... | ||
| No, we're rolling on the whole thing. | ||
| And she goes, that is the dumbest question I've ever been asked. | ||
| Have I seen Titanic? | ||
| Yes, I saw the movie. | ||
| And he goes, did you like it? | ||
| She goes, did I like Titanic? | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| We ended up spending like 17 minutes with her because she fucking fell in love with this guy. | ||
| And they had to pull her out of the room. | ||
| It was, she, the second he asked that question, she fucking loved us. | ||
| And then she goes, looks at me and she goes, where do you get these guys? | ||
| And I said, and I go, well, and she goes, wait, who are you? | ||
| I go, I'm Bert. | ||
| She goes, what kind of name is Bert? | ||
| Whoa, Celine. | ||
| She was, it was fucking awesome. | ||
| Was she drunk? | ||
| No, no, she was, she was getting ready to perform. | ||
| She was going on stage. | ||
| The show started late because she hung out with us backstage. | ||
| Did she have panties on? | ||
| No, she had a really expensive dress that they handmade for her. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So she's a ball buster? | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| She was really fun. | ||
| Dude, you're tight with Celine Dion. | ||
| Does she have facial hair? | ||
| My celebrity cachet list is ridiculous these days. | ||
| They're not all in one area. | ||
| Like, I'm friends with Sam Champion, Rachel Ray, Celine Dion. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| The weirdest group of people. | ||
| We're friends with some... | ||
| That's high-level shit. | ||
| Rachel Ray. | ||
| Rachel Ray. | ||
| Did you hear her say the N-word? | ||
| Have you ever heard that clip on YouTube? | ||
| What? | ||
| During a show, she said the N-word. | ||
| Can I play it for you? | ||
| Because there's a twist to it. | ||
| All right, let me look for you guys. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I fucking love Rachel. | ||
| Yeah, she seems like a nice person. | ||
| She seems fun. | ||
| Speaking of which, you know who's definitely listening today? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| Larry the Cable Guy gave us... | ||
| He has his own potato chips. | ||
| That's how much of a baller Larry the Cable Guy is. | ||
| And they're fucking amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like how it says, boy, that's good eating, right on the top. | |
| This is, boy, this is good eating. | ||
| This is Larry the Cable Guy's. | ||
| They're cheeseburger chips. | ||
| Doesn't that sound awesome? | ||
| Actually, let's have one. | ||
| So good. | ||
| So, Larry the Cable Guy listens to the podcast. | ||
| Yeah, I was in Omaha. | ||
| Tell Larry I said, what's up? | ||
| Oh, just tell him right there. | ||
| Oh, Larry, what's up? | ||
| Come to the Ice House. | ||
| I met Larry way, way, way, way, way back in the day. | ||
| We met at the Comedy Works in Montreal, Canada in maybe 19... | ||
| Shit, like early 90s or something like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like 1994, maybe. | ||
| Like maybe. | ||
| The latest it could have been, it was like 95 or 96. | ||
| But I met him there and we had a great fucking time. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| They're good, aren't they? | ||
| They're delicious. | ||
| It has every flavor in it. | ||
| It has ketchup, mustard, onions. | ||
| You can tell that a fat guy made them because there's extra seasoning on them. | ||
| You know how when you get that one Dorito that looks extra dark and you're like, oh, there's going to be a good one? | ||
| All the chips are like that in there. | ||
| This is the weirdest fucking thing I've ever had in my life. | ||
| That tastes like a cheeseburger in your mouth. | ||
| It's a cheeseburger potato chip. | ||
| It's so fucking good. | ||
| You taste the mustard. | ||
| You taste the mustard in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It has every flavor. | ||
| They're insane. | ||
| The buffalo... | ||
| This can't be good for you. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think the serving size says half chip. | |
| Sometimes you just gotta take it on the chin for flavor. | ||
| I love that you're just holding them and you're looking at them like, these can't be good for you. | ||
| They're too delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is like, this is eerily... | |
| I can't, I can't. | ||
| I want one more. | ||
| You know what tastes like? | ||
| White Castle. | ||
| White Castle hamburgers. | ||
| It tastes like, to me, McDonald's hamburgers. | ||
| Oh, let me tell you. | ||
| I went to Burger King. | ||
| I haven't ate in four days because I was sick with strep throat. | ||
| You're so fucking lucky. | ||
| So I was eating watermelon. | ||
| I was eating watermelon. | ||
| That's the only thing I could eat was watermelon. | ||
| And so yesterday was the first day. | ||
| I was like, you know what? | ||
| I can eat now. | ||
| My throat's not that sore anymore. | ||
| I'm going to eat something really bad just because I need something in me bad, something horrible. | ||
| And so I was like the first fast food place. | ||
| So I went to Burger King. | ||
| I'm like, alright, I haven't been to Burger King in a long time. | ||
| Let me try it out. | ||
| I had a Whopper, fries, and their smoothie. | ||
| The smoothie was okay, but the Whopper, it tasted like it was grilled and thrown in a bucket and then thrown in the microwave and then slapped on mayonnaise. | ||
| It was just the most disgusting tasting hamburger ever. | ||
| Their fries, they changed their fries or something. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| I took one bite of the fry. | ||
| I'm like, I don't want any more of that. | ||
| I didn't eat one thing. | ||
| And then I was looking and I was like, how is this place still in business? | ||
| There is so much competition nowadays for burgers from all these gourmet burger places or just in-and-outs type places. | ||
| It takes time. | ||
| Those things take time the reason why Burger King and McDonald's works is familiarity people been going there forever and There's you know, you use a guarantee you go in there you get it you go But something happened to Burger King cuz it didn't used to always be like they can't fuck with Wendy's If you got if you want to go for like the best like chain in my opinion. | ||
| Yeah Wendy's like nationwide nationwide I agree, but Wendy's can't fuck with in and out when Oh, no one fucks. | ||
| Baker's is the best. | ||
| Five Guys Burgers can fuck with In-N-Out. | ||
| Five Guys Burgers are right up there. | ||
| They're different than In-N-Out Burgers. | ||
| And you go, how could it be different? | ||
| They're different. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You're talking about all these awesome burger places, Burger King, and their latest thing is a bacon milkshake or sundae. | ||
| I'm like, seriously, that's a hilarious internet joke, but you're not going to fucking make money selling that. | ||
| In-N-Out and Five Guys are the shit. | ||
| In-N-Out's fries are the best fries. | ||
| When you go there, you watch them cook the fucking nice, fresh meat patty right in front of you. | ||
| They slap it down there. | ||
| They cook it right in front of you, man. | ||
| That's how it should be. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Not fucking pulled out of a bin with water or juice. | ||
| We shouldn't even allow that other way. | ||
| It shouldn't be pre-processed at all. | ||
| Why does it need to be? | ||
| In-N-Out doesn't do it that way. | ||
| Because it's a ridiculous, expensive profit thing. | ||
| If you... | ||
| All of a sudden you're using only fresh. | ||
| You're not freezing your beef, which is what In-N-Out does. | ||
| They use fresh beef. | ||
| Then you have transport issues. | ||
| It doesn't last as long. | ||
| You've got to make sure that you judge how much you need exactly or you have... | ||
| Overages. | ||
| It's not going to last. | ||
| I mean, how long does ground beef last if you don't freeze it? | ||
| It can't be more than a few days and it starts to get funky. | ||
| But it's so... | ||
| When you take anyone from not in L.A. that's in visiting, when you take them to In-N-Out, they're always like, this is fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do. | ||
| It's like steak and shake on steroids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's funny because we were like... | |
| We're so accustomed to shitty food. | ||
| That's the norm. | ||
| The shitty food is the norm. | ||
| In a world where there's competition, it is weird that that happens. | ||
| Why isn't there one place, though, that has... | ||
| Imagine Whole Foods as a fast food place that's open all the time. | ||
| Like a 24-hour place. | ||
| Like a Burger King. | ||
| Sounds like Brian's looking for a place to pick up chicks in the middle of the night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but there's... | |
| No, you think with today's people that are on all these diets and stuff and that they're so concerned about it, that there'll be one person to step up and be like, look, we're going to make quinoa 24 hours a day fast food, you know, quinoa sides. | ||
| Like, we're going to have a healthy, all 100% natural, vegan, crap, you know, everything, but it's 24 hours a day and it's, you know, like Starbucks. | ||
| So you need something that's an alternative to Jack in the Box. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's convenience. | |
| It's convenient. | ||
| I'm running from job to job. | ||
| I have 10 minutes to eat. | ||
| I'm not going to go fucking to the grocery store and go home and cook. | ||
| I need Wendy's, I'll get up, baked potato and some chili. | ||
| Something stupid like that. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to eat healthy if you're on the fly. | ||
| That's for sure. | ||
| It is weird that we have so many different places where you can eat like shit. | ||
| It's so hard to find a place where you can eat healthy. | ||
| They're coming out with one. | ||
| My dad just invested in it. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, and the interesting thing is he told me about it. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I don't know the name of it. | ||
| But it's definitely coming out in Florida. | ||
| And they only talked about it because when Chick-fil-A got on all that heat for sending anyone gays to marry. | ||
| I heard all these other places talking about, you know, Chick-fil-A is one of the healthier places to eat, and this new place is going to be the same type of thing. | ||
| Like, a lot of healthy options. | ||
| Chick-fil-A is one of the healthier places to eat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Unless you're gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Then just all the hate vibes you'd get. | ||
| My phone doesn't work up here. | ||
| I'd call my dad and get the name of the place. | ||
| But I've said the same thing, Brian. | ||
| Because I'd love to have something you can just go in and know that you can get a meal around 400 calories. | ||
| It's kind of like fucking a little more traditional. | ||
| Like a salad. | ||
| Something real. | ||
| Some real food. | ||
| Some actual food. | ||
| I want a protein and a bunch of steamed vegetables. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird how much, if you look at just the overall numbers of restaurants that we have, it's weird how much of it is shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the majority. | ||
| Like, all the quick ones are shit. | ||
| Look at the... | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Taco Bell? | ||
| Can you imagine that it took Taco Bell this long to come out with a healthy option? | ||
| Well, they have bean burritos. | ||
| No, they got the new thing. | ||
| They've got a taco bowl. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, like this new bowl that the chef designed that I saw a commercial for and I was like, oh, I gotta fucking try that out. | ||
| And then I got Taco Bell. | ||
| I was like, fuck that. | ||
| Mexican pizza. | ||
| I don't know what you just said. | ||
| Mexican pizza. | ||
| You never have a Mexican pizza? | ||
| You just went a weird little rant to yourself. | ||
| Fuck that Mexican pizza. | ||
| Taco Bell. | ||
| I was trying to say, I can't order healthy when I get to Taco Bell. | ||
| I'm like, fuck it. | ||
| Oh, dude, yeah, that Dorito taco, you can't even order anything other than the Dorito taco. | ||
| Now that shells are made out of Doritos, it's the most amazing thing in the whole entire world. | ||
| That's Taco Bell? | ||
| Yeah, it's Taco Bell. | ||
| See, that's somebody, like, unlike Burger King, Taco Bell is, they're on their game. | ||
| They're making shit better tasting. | ||
| Yeah, but didn't they get busted for having their beef? | ||
| It was horse. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| It was horse. | ||
| When did this happen? | ||
| I don't know, but I'm But I only know that because I did a channel, a show for Animal Planet, and this woman was raised premium stallions, and she told me she was like, she was maybe one of the greatest days of my life, but she told me, she goes premium stallions are stallions that keep pregnant because they do this, they produce this hormone that goes into hair shampoo. | ||
| And then she said, oh yeah, and it's the Canadians. | ||
| She went off on the Canadians. | ||
| She was like, and I was like, we're never going to use this. | ||
| But apparently in Canada... | ||
| No, it's not a fact. | ||
| That chick was just some crazy hippie chick. | ||
| They eat horse in Canada. | ||
| A very quick Google search tells you that Taco Bell does not use horse meat, and that is a false rumor. | ||
| No, and actually Taco Bell's response to that... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They use meat. | |
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| I mean, they had a good response, whatever. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| Unlike Burger King, which seems like you're going to a crack house nowadays. | ||
| The Obama administration okayed horse meat for Americans. | ||
| That's why I swear to God I want to say it had to be in there. | ||
| Aiko ate horse meat. | ||
| It used to be legal in Japan where you used to just go to places and eat horses, but they outlawed it. | ||
| She said it was delicious. | ||
| Well, yeah, they eat horses in other countries. | ||
| This guy Alistair Overeem is a fucking huge MMA fighter. | ||
| He's like a big powerlifting looking dude. | ||
| He looks like a superhero. | ||
| You know who Overeem is, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, Overeem is big on eating horse meat. | ||
| He says that's where he gets all his protein from. | ||
| A lot of athletes say that, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They eat horse meat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gotta be super easy to catch. | ||
| Pony's the veal. | ||
| Super easy to catch. | ||
| Just come up with an apple and a gun. | ||
| Wild horses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like... | |
| That's a tame horse. | ||
| What if it's Mustangs? | ||
| Only wild fucking horses if they really taste good. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure people hunted them. | ||
| It's amazing that they figured out how to get along with people. | ||
| They're just like, just let them ride us. | ||
| Never freak out ever. | ||
| Let them ride us and they keep us alive. | ||
| Because every other animal, think about how prevalent they are amongst people. | ||
| They get to live in the stall and everything's good and nobody eats them. | ||
| Nobody sets a fucking piston through their head. | ||
| They give you nice food all the time. | ||
| They pet you and brush you. | ||
| Like, way better than the cow. | ||
| Oh, the cow's fucked. | ||
| Because the cows were like, bitch, you can't ride us! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck off! | |
| They wanted us off so bad. | ||
| Do you think the horses saw that in another pasture? | ||
| Fuck you, bitch! | ||
| That's why we started eating them. | ||
| We were like, fuck you, bitch. | ||
| You want to let us ride you? | ||
| Okay, well then we'll eat you. | ||
| How about that, stupid? | ||
| We can't ride you. | ||
| That's why we were barely eating the horses. | ||
| Even with all cars everywhere, we don't need horses anymore. | ||
| We can eat the fuck out of them. | ||
| We're like, no, we have a special bond because you let me ride you. | ||
| They're cruising off this reputation from when they used to ride them. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They become our friends. | ||
| They become our friends. | ||
| When they're just the dopiest, most docile, easily tricked animal, they panic, you lock them up, it's called breaking them. | ||
| You get a rope around their neck, you settle them the fuck You let him know who's boss. | ||
| And then the horse, from then on, lets you ride him. | ||
| And right now they're in tenure. | ||
| Obviously that's not the case. | ||
| There's probably been a lot more complications to the process than just... | ||
| I'm shortening this for comedy. | ||
| You guys want to hear Rachel Ray sing the N-word? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Alright, here we go. | ||
| This better not be a trick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you crochet a knit? | |
| I don't, but I'm thinking of starting it because when you're on a plane and stuff, I'm always envious of the knitters. | ||
| Do they still let you bring the tools on, though? | ||
| Hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| I'm always envious of the... | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because when you're on a plane and stuff, I'm always envious of the knitters. | |
| Do they still let you bring the tools on, though? | ||
| Wait. | ||
| One more time. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| What does she actually say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm always envious of the knitters. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Do they still let you bring the tools on, though? | ||
| What? | ||
| She's talking about the knitters. | ||
| Oh, the knitters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Knitting leader. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| She's like, do you get to bring the tools on? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would never. | |
| You know, a woman got in trouble, she was a teacher, for using the word niggardly in front of a class, for using that word. | ||
| She got in trouble. | ||
| There was a congressman that got in trouble for that. | ||
| Yeah, and it's a word. | ||
| I mean, that's a real word. | ||
| Yeah, it sounds like another word, but there's a lot of words that sound like bad words. | ||
| Leanne got reprimanded for using the phrase cotton pickin'. | ||
| What? | ||
| Like, Leanne, we were at the beach, and she had said something like, give me one cotton-picking minute. | ||
| You know, you've ever heard this cotton-picking? | ||
| In the South, Leanne said it was a euphemism for goddamn. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So give me this, you know. | ||
| And then all of a sudden someone said something to her and Leanne went, oh my god, I never realized what I'm saying. | ||
| Like, am I saying cotton-picking like a black person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like an actual cotton-picker? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so I was like, holy shit. | ||
| And so I looked it up and it turns out that cotton-picking just is a horrible fucking activity. | ||
| It's like a fucking shit in my mouth activity. | ||
| Like, no one enjoyed cotton-picking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So it's like, give me one cotton pick a minute. | ||
| It actually means give me the longest fucking minute you could ever give me because cotton picking was exhausting. | ||
| Cotton apparently was way easier to process. | ||
| So that's why it took over from hemp until the 1930s. | ||
| They came out with a machine called a decorticator and they were going to have everything convert back to hemp. | ||
| We use cotton, but cotton is like, it sucks ass compared to hemp. | ||
| In comparison to hemp, it's not nearly as strong. | ||
| The tensile strength, the durability, it's an amazing plant. | ||
| But the people that were in the cotton industry got together with DuPont, who were the people that made nylon, and William Randolph Hearst, who was the guy who ran Hearst Publications, who also had these paper mills that were all based on wood. | ||
| And he would have had to convert them to use hemp. | ||
| So it was basically an industry. | ||
| They were trying to suppress an industry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's how marijuana became illegal. | ||
| It all became illegal because of the cotton industry and fiber, nylon, all of them, William Randolph Hearst, all of them getting together. | ||
| And pretty much playing Monopoly. | ||
| But it was about hemp. | ||
| It wasn't about the getting high part. | ||
| It was about this incredible plant. | ||
| By the way, which is illegal in this country. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| You can't even get high on it. | ||
| It's a cousin of marijuana. | ||
| It's not psychoactive. | ||
| Just the hemp. | ||
| It doesn't have a drug in it. | ||
| It doesn't have the drug in it. | ||
| And you can't grow it. | ||
| You have to grow it in Canada. | ||
| We have this stuff that's coming out on it. | ||
| It's called Hemp Force. | ||
| It's this protein powder made with hemp hearts. | ||
| It's so hard to get this stuff. | ||
| We can only buy 50 pounds of it a day. | ||
| You can't buy any more of it. | ||
| So we have limited quantities to sell this hemp protein powder because it's the best hemp protein powder that you can get is made in Canada. | ||
| These hemp hearts. | ||
| We can't grow them here. | ||
| They don't allow you to. | ||
| You can't get high from it at all. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| You're not allowed to grow it here. | ||
| It's amazing how natural resources, things like cotton and hemp and oil even, can be manipulated like that. | ||
| We have to look at what it really is. | ||
| It's really sort of an economic thing. | ||
| The cotton gin straightened it out for a lot of people, like how to process cotton, and that made it a little bit easier. | ||
| But it's like that battle that the hemp and marijuana world lost in like 1930, whatever it is, they still lost it. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And the North was all about polyester, right? | ||
| Yeah, the suits. | ||
| Those leisure suits. | ||
| Whoever talked people into those fucking crazy suits that they wore in the 70s? | ||
| When you're skinny, they feel good. | ||
| People lost their fucking mind for a while. | ||
| I think it was Don Knotts. | ||
| Don Knotts? | ||
| He's the one that started all that shit. | ||
| You know, here's where you can see how America lost its fucking mind in the 70s. | ||
| I had a game, a pool the other night with Adam Ferrara. | ||
| Do you know Adam Ferrara? | ||
| He's a comedian. | ||
| Yeah, he's in Omaha next weekend. | ||
| He used to be on Rescue Me and he is now one of the American hosts for Top Gear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're both car enthusiasts and we're talking about looking at the cars from the 70s. | ||
| From the early 70s to the late 70s to the early 80s to the 90s. | ||
| It's like, what the fuck happened to us? | ||
| We completely lost the ability to make cool cars. | ||
| Like, somehow or another, if you go back to the 50s and the 60s, and you look at what America had, like Corvettes and fucking Mustangs, and those are dope cars. | ||
| They're so dope that people still want them today, even with their shitty-ass technology of the 1960s. | ||
| People still drive Mustangs around, because they're so fucking cool-looking. | ||
| We lost that. | ||
| I don't think we lost that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I think right now it's one of the best times ever. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's what we're saying. | ||
| They have the Ford Tempo. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck was that car? | ||
| How about the Camaro of the fucking 80s? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at a 69 Camaro and then look at a Camaro of the 80s. | ||
| Like, what the fuck did you do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just like, you melted it. | ||
| You smoothed it. | ||
| It's nothing now. | ||
| And it's boring as fuck. | ||
| This is like a terrible design. | ||
| That by the same people... | ||
| What kind of lazy cunts designed that piece of shit car? | ||
| That fucking ugly ass Camaro? | ||
| Like, now the Camaro is badass. | ||
| The Camaro now is fucking awesome. | ||
| I think it's the best it's ever looked. | ||
| I think they totally nailed it. | ||
| But it makes you wonder, it's like, were we in a haze as a country? | ||
| Like, what the fuck happened? | ||
| Is the auto world, like, the auto community in this country, what the fuck happened to them in the 80s and the 90s that they were so uncreative? | ||
| I bet it was the same thing we were talking about, is they just got, is the tobacco industry, they just got, they just stopped fucking caring, and they were making money hand over fist, and then all of a sudden the Japanese just took it over. | ||
| I would love to hear a story about it. | ||
| There must be a bunch of factors. | ||
| I think it's the show Lost. | ||
| The show Lost. | ||
| Maybe it's like people gave up taking psychedelics, and all the designers weren't taking psychedelics anymore, and they weren't drawing stingrays. | ||
| Instead, they were drawing these fucking shitty Corvettes of the 80s. | ||
| Did you ever see the Corvettes of the 80s? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you're driving around in a 1980-something Corvette, most, I mean, you might be a cool guy, you might be an enthusiast, but chances are you're a fucking loser, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's probably a creepy dude. | ||
| You're driving one of the ugliest, one of the coolest cars America's ever designed, and you're one of the ugliest versions ever. | ||
| That's the one that you picked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But if you have a 1969 Corvette, you go back to one of those old Stingrays. | ||
| Those are fucking evil things. | ||
| That's an evil looking car, man. | ||
| I mean, even just a Plymouth from like 67 is just a monster. | ||
| You know all the ones, the Cholos lowrider route? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The Impala. | ||
| The Impala is a badass fucking car. | ||
| It's a piece of art, man. | ||
| Ferrara showed me, he's got a photo of a friend of his had a really nicely done 57 Cadillac. | ||
| And you just look at it and you go, oh my God. | ||
| It was a work of art. | ||
| It was a work of art. | ||
| Those fucking... | ||
| Man, I get obsessed every now and then online. | ||
| I'll just start Googling years of cars, like the Lincoln. | ||
| I wanted the Cadillac, the 69 Cadillac. | ||
| That convertible is just... | ||
| It's the big beast, whale. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| That is one of the biggest examples of American excess. | ||
| The most beautiful examples, the giant Cadillac. | ||
| Those were ridiculous. | ||
| Those were fucking badass cars. | ||
| And I remember getting in one in high school. | ||
| Someone's dad had one. | ||
| And we felt like gangsters. | ||
| We had maybe a foot of cock between the three of us. | ||
| But we felt like pimps just smoking cigarettes and all. | ||
| Remember how the ride on those things, man? | ||
| You just kind of like floated. | ||
| You'd take a corner and... | ||
| They were the worst at handling them. | ||
| They can't handle it all. | ||
| I always wanted one of those things. | ||
| The Volkswagen thing? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It was the ugly fucking... | ||
| It looked like it belonged in the middle of the Sahara and a bunch of Germans should be coming out of it. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| It was in 1974, I think. | ||
| I had a Volkswagen Corrado. | ||
| It was the first thing that I got when I had a development deal. | ||
| I bought a used Corrado. | ||
| It was a good car, man. | ||
| Was that the one with the back was kind of like a... | ||
| Like Slickback? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't remember what it looked like, to be honest with you. | ||
| I remember the Volkswagen Scirocco. | ||
| It wasn't that. | ||
| It was more of a boxy. | ||
| I fucking love Volkswagen. | ||
| I love my car. | ||
| I love your new car, too. | ||
| That thing's fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm in love with a car. | ||
| I had a Fox. | ||
| I had a Jetta. | ||
| I had a Jeep. | ||
| I had a... | ||
| I'm trying to think of all my fucking cars. | ||
| You know what this thing is? | ||
| They look like a GTI. It looks just like a GTI. Oh, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| This is the car. | ||
| This car, the only car in the world that has a sentimental feeling to me. | ||
| Even that stupid Barracuda that I bought and had made on the TV show, it's not as sentimental to me as this car. | ||
| Because it was the first thing I got when I got some money. | ||
| And I wound up giving it to Dave Pierre, a dude who worked at the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was worth, like, I don't remember what it was worth, but it was worth a lot more than he had. | ||
| So I said, how much do you have? | ||
| And he's like, I have, like, whatever he had, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, okay, you can take it. | ||
| And he was like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Because it was like, basically, it was like a new car. | ||
| But that was when I was on news radio, and I was a baller. | ||
| I heard a story about Drew Carey giving his Miata to someone. | ||
| He gave his car to someone? | ||
| It was a Miata, though? | ||
| Those are cool cars, man. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| Dude, you ever drive a Miata? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Miatas are fun fucking cars. | ||
| First of all, they're super light. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And if you drive a super light car, you really feel the road. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Miatas are great drivers cars. | ||
| I've never driven in a Miata. | ||
| I just always had a visual of Drew carrying a Miata. | ||
| They got fucked. | ||
| Somehow or another, Miata got fucked, and their first bland version of the car, you know, it became a woman's car. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know why, but it's a fun, little, sporty car. | ||
| It's like, it's a weird thing with car culture, is that, like, there's a lot of folks that will drive, like, older cars from, like, you know, driving a 1960 MG, one of those little things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you'll drive those, but you won't respect a Miata. | ||
| Like, people don't, like, Miata doesn't get any respect. | ||
| It's Japanese. | ||
| It's a really competent little car. | ||
| My buddy had a Miata in college. | ||
| They're great cars. | ||
| They were great cars, but they were perceived as chick cars. | ||
| Yeah, it's a chick car. | ||
| It's like a Boxster. | ||
| The Porsche Boxster. | ||
| Porsche has a new Boxster that really is so good looking, it'll slay the idea that it's a chick car. | ||
| This new Boxster is so dope. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, it looks so killer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Porsche's design teams, they just make things that you lust for. | ||
| You look at them, you just go, oh, shit. | ||
| I would rather, I think I would rather if I had to get like a sports car, I got given the Corvette, fucking turbo, whatever the beast Corvette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The ZR1. For like a week, they gave it to me. | |
| And I drove that thing around and I fucking loved it. | ||
| I loved it because everyone looks at you. | ||
| It's like having a big dick in a locker room. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Everyone looks at you. | ||
| Do you need that kind of attention though, man? | ||
| I need it somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need a machine. | |
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You don't need that. | ||
| Fucking badass. | ||
| I'm thinking about getting one. | ||
| I'm thinking about getting a red one with black wheels. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I don't give a fuck, son! | ||
| Do not get a red car. | ||
| Get a fucking... | ||
| That's why I want to get a red car, because they're so stupid. | ||
| I've never had a red car. | ||
| There's a reason why they're stupid. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why are they so stupid? | ||
| Because it's like, hey, look at me! | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it looks ridiculous. | ||
| No, I like red. | ||
| I wanted a red car always in my diet. | ||
| It looks very manly. | ||
| It's very ridiculous. | ||
| I just feel like it's such a stupid fucking thing to get in the first place. | ||
| To get one of those crazy... | ||
| What the fuck do you need a Corvette like that for? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can't drive them. | ||
| They're really hard to drive in L.A. because, you know, the spoiler in the front... | ||
| Yeah, bottoms out all over the place. | ||
| Yeah, bottoms out all over the place. | ||
| So, like, I was like, I could never cross 3rd Street. | ||
| Yeah, you could. | ||
| I have a GT3, which is even lower than that, believe it or not. | ||
| I drive that thing everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, but you gotta, like, cut... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta... | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| I just deal with it. | ||
| I listen to the scratch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll get pulled over all the time, by the way, with the right car. | |
| And I keep going, huh? | ||
| Red cars get pulled over the most by cops also. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I bet they would because it's like mostly douchebags driving red cars. | ||
| Because it's such a thing. | ||
| You have to not be thinking about anyone else's feelings at all. | ||
| You have to be... | ||
| If you're driving around a red car, you're like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at me! | |
| You're not thinking of what someone else is going to feel if they're looking at you. | ||
| It's a totally selfish color. | ||
| Because it's like you just want to yell it out. | ||
| Black is subtle. | ||
| White is understated. | ||
| White is nice so you don't have to wash it as much. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Go to the car and wash it. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Black cars are covered in dust in L.A. But a white Corvette, I'm sorry, does not look as good as a black or a red one. | ||
| It just doesn't. | ||
| I get a black Corvette or a red Corvette. | ||
| You're in the middle of the road with a white one. | ||
| You're not really fully committed to being an asshole. | ||
| I think if you have a red Corvette, you're fully committed to embracing your almost selfish need for the lusty, lusty color of a car. | ||
| Lusty red. | ||
| What are you getting at? | ||
| Bright, shiny. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably not really. | ||
| Porsche's a smarter car. | ||
| I don't need a car any faster than the car I have. | ||
| I don't drive fast anyway. | ||
| I don't even like to drive fast. | ||
| What I like is cars that handle well. | ||
| I don't like to do anything stupid on the roads. | ||
| I've been doing a lot of stupid shit with the turbo. | ||
| I think if you go back 20 podcasts, I say the same thing. | ||
| I never go fast. | ||
| I don't need a fast car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once you have a car that can go fast, you find a lot more holes that you can fit in. | |
| And you can. | ||
| It's the ability to do it where they're so composed. | ||
| That Volkswagen that he has, okay, you compare that. | ||
| That car would beat around a track any power muscle car from the 60s. | ||
| If you took some regular 1969 Camaro with stock equipment, one of those badass Camaros, and raced it around the Nurburgring, you would dust that thing. | ||
| It wouldn't even be close. | ||
| Dude, the paddle shifting is my new favorite thing. | ||
| It's like playing a video game. | ||
| That is the worst way to be driving a car when you're high is thinking you're playing a video game. | ||
| Brian, don't think that. | ||
| It's like a video game. | ||
| Try not to think that. | ||
| When we drove Lamborghinis and Ferraris, the car they loved, the people that worked there loved the most was the Camaro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Why? | ||
| They had a Camaro there. | ||
| They'd take you out, like, on your first lap in a Camaro, and they're like, it's the best car. | ||
| They're like, I mean, obviously a $600,000 Lamborghini is a great car, but they fucking love this Camaro, and they drove it. | ||
| It's also an American car in the middle of Mexico, so it is exotic to these guys, because they're all Mexican, so they love this. | ||
| Do Mexicans make their own cars? | ||
| They have a new one. | ||
| Mexico is coming out with a new, really expensive Lamborghini-type equivalent. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and the place we were at is getting one. | ||
| They're one of the first ones coming out of the line they're getting. | ||
| What about Canada? | ||
| Do they make their own cars? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't think they do. | ||
| Maybe they've made a couple. | ||
| You'd think they would because they're right next to Detroit, aren't they? | ||
| Yeah, but maybe they see what kind of douchebags build cars and they're like, let's just buy their shit and stay out of their business. | ||
| Stay out of their creepy business. | ||
| They're like Duncan when he used to live with you. | ||
| He was like, why buy weed? | ||
| Joe's got weed. | ||
| Have you seen the new Camaro ZL1 that's coming out? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's a new one with a Corvette engine in it. | ||
| So it's like, I think it's 500 plus horsepower. | ||
| I think it's like 540 or 550 or something like that. | ||
| Ridiculously fast. | ||
| Handles awesome. | ||
| Looks fucking spectacular. | ||
| It looks like a proper American muscle car. | ||
| And this one, the ZL1, is going to be ridiculous. | ||
| Adam Ferrara just got one. | ||
| And he drove it around and he said he would show up. | ||
| He goes, I would show up. | ||
| You know, Adam's got that... | ||
| That Long Island accent. | ||
| Like, I would show up, my fucking heart's racing. | ||
| I'm just like... | ||
| The fucking car is ridiculous, man. | ||
| You're not supposed to have that. | ||
| You've got a rocket under your dick. | ||
| What the fuck are you riding around in? | ||
| Is he really a car guy? | ||
| He loves cars. | ||
| This is the color you should get. | ||
| He's great on the show. | ||
| Chameleon paint? | ||
| Have you heard of chameleon paint? | ||
| Oh, that's the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard. | ||
| Have you heard of it? | ||
| It changes when you turn the corners. | ||
| It has like a million different colors and it changes depending on the light. | ||
| Somebody posted on the Miffin 23, posted on the Rogan board. | ||
| Get the one that Bieber has. | ||
| It's awesome if you want to let everyone know that you're Puerto Rican. | ||
| Don't get the one that Bieber has. | ||
| The one Bieber has with the mirrors? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen that one? | |
| That's so fucked up. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Can you imagine driving in a sunny day? | ||
| Oh my god, I'm not copying Justin Bieber. | ||
| But I met him and he's a very nice guy. | ||
| I showed you the mirror card, yeah? | ||
| His card, it's all made out of mirrors. | ||
| Yeah, you did. | ||
| It's aluminum. | ||
| I actually enjoyed meeting him. | ||
| He's a UFC fan. | ||
| He likes boxing too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you met him in LA? I met him in the UFC. Came by and said hi. | |
| Very nice kid. | ||
| Very friendly kid. | ||
| They kiss you on the cheek or the lips? | ||
| Neither one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They shook hands. | |
| They shook hands like men. | ||
| I met Robin Williams and I didn't know I met Robin Williams. | ||
| Yeah, this is crazy. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I did a show at the Improv Friday night. | ||
| And afterwards, me and Joey were hanging out. | ||
| And you know the upper area where you can eat? | ||
| We were hanging out and taking pictures. | ||
| So there's a line to get up there to take pictures. | ||
| So this guy's in the line. | ||
| He gets up to me and he's talking to me. | ||
| He's complimenting me, saying these nice things about the show. | ||
| He was fearless and all that. | ||
| He was very complimentary. | ||
| And I was really thankful. | ||
| I was like, wow, thank you. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| And then I realized, holy shit, you're Robin Williams. | ||
| Wait, you realize in the middle of him telling you this? | ||
| In the middle of him talking to me, I didn't know it was Robin Williams. | ||
| He had a beard. | ||
| He had a white beard on. | ||
| He had glasses on and a baseball hat. | ||
| Oh, so he just looked like some old dude. | ||
| He just looked like some dude. | ||
| Yeah, just some guy with a beard. | ||
| But he was very nice. | ||
| But his voice threw me off. | ||
| And then I realized, because he was being kind of soft-spoken. | ||
| There was a lot of people around. | ||
| And he was trying to fly into the radar. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I'm like, holy shit, I'm talking to Robin Williams. | ||
| Wait, how crazy is that that he came down to meet you? | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| You know, I've only had a couple times where something like that has happened where it really kind of freaked me out. | ||
| One of them was Gene Simmons came to our New Year's show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a dick. | ||
| I fucking hate him. | ||
| He was bad to you? | ||
| Oh, he's a fucking cunt to me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really bad. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Top five worst experiences with a celebrity. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| We were doing the X show, and we were going to interview him, and I told the producers, I was like, I fucking am the biggest Kiss fan. | ||
| I grew up, like any Halloween from the first 10 years of my life, I was one of the fucking guys from Kiss. | ||
| Fucking talent show. | ||
| I dressed up in my mom's leotard, her gayest belt possible, two bike chains and a Kiss thing, and just jammed out to a party all night long. | ||
| For fucking three minutes, just jammed out. | ||
| Like, air-guitared it. | ||
| Fuckin' LOVED KISS. LITERALLY LOVED KISS. So what happened? | ||
| And so then I tell them that, and they go, great! | ||
| We'll set up the interview. | ||
| This is gonna be a fuckin' cakewalk. | ||
| The only other time I did that to the show was when Slash was there. | ||
| So I was like, I love fuckin' Slash. | ||
| And I got along great with Slash. | ||
| We ended up drinking in my fuckin' whatchamacallit. | ||
| So then, uh, so he shows up. | ||
| Drinking in my fuckin' whatchamacallit. | ||
| In my green room. | ||
| My green room. | ||
| So, my dressing room. | ||
| So, fucking Gene Simmons shows up, and I go up to, he's in the room, I go to the pre-interview, so I go to his dressing room, and I knock on the door, and they open it, and I said, Miss Simmons, my name's Bert, I'm the host of the show, I'll be doing the interview, and he just puts his finger in front of my face, and he goes, no. | ||
| And I went, what? | ||
| And he goes, not now. | ||
| And he shut the door in my face. | ||
| I went, okay. | ||
| I go, clearly it's early in the morning. | ||
| Maybe he's not a morning guy. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| I'm going to give him his time to have his coffee or whatever. | ||
| And then before I go out on stage, I'll do my pre-interview while he's going through makeup. | ||
| So he's doing his makeup and I come in. | ||
| And now it's like 8 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| Come in. | ||
| And I go, Mr. Simmons, my name is Bert. | ||
| I'll be doing the interview. | ||
| And he goes, didn't I tell you not to speak? | ||
| And I went, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then he looked at someone and he goes, is he interviewing me? | ||
| I don't want him to interview me. | ||
| And I went, oh fuck. | ||
| Like, what did I do? | ||
| So then I leave and then Mark Cronin comes in and he goes, listen, Gene doesn't want a guy to interview him. | ||
| He wants Daphne, the girl, he wants Daphne to interview him. | ||
| I go, Daphne doesn't know shit about KISS. I go, this is my hero, I can't be on it. | ||
| He goes, I'll tell you what, I will let you, you can be on the couch and you can just kinda hang out in the interview and you can jump in as much as possible, but Daphne's gonna run the interview. | ||
| Gene would rather Daphne run it. | ||
| And I went, okay. | ||
| So I go out. | ||
| I sit on the couch. | ||
| I don't say a word. | ||
| Now I'm being respectful. | ||
| I'm like, alright, clearly, whatever it is. | ||
| Maybe at the end I can just tell him what a big fan of Kiss I am. | ||
| So I sit on the couch. | ||
| Daphne does the interview. | ||
| I jump in here and there. | ||
| It's totally comfortable. | ||
| Totally cool. | ||
| We cut for commercial. | ||
| And everyone that works on the show has headsets on. | ||
| And we're mic'd. | ||
| We can hear everyone. | ||
| And Daphne says, you know, Gene... | ||
| The reason Bert's out here is he was the biggest Kiss fan growing up. | ||
| And Jean goes, really? | ||
| And she goes, yeah, he dressed as you for Halloween. | ||
| And I go, yeah, as a matter of fact. | ||
| And he looks at me and he goes, shut up. | ||
| I'm talking to her. | ||
| And I went, but you're talking about me. | ||
| And he goes, turn around. | ||
| Turn around. | ||
| And I went, now I go to turn around and I see everyone that's working on the floor of the X Show literally walking. | ||
| Because they're all headsets in. | ||
| They turn and look. | ||
| As I'm turning around, they're like, oh my god. | ||
| So I turn around and Daphne is just like appalled. | ||
| And then all of a sudden Cronin comes out of the room and he goes, you know what? | ||
| I think we got it all in the first one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Gene's like, I need to talk about my doll that I'm selling. | |
| And he's like, yeah, we'll bring it up later. | ||
| And he goes, but I have a lot of products I'm trying to sell. | ||
| He's like, we got it. | ||
| Thank you, Mr. Simmons. | ||
| And Gene gets up and leaves. | ||
| And I was like, what a fucking cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I fucking, to the day I die, I will fucking slam his name. | ||
| I've never been treated worse, and I've never treated anyone even an eighth. | ||
| Granted, I'm not Gene Simmons. | ||
| I don't get hassled all the fucking time by every rock fan ever. | ||
| But Jim Norton had a horrible story with him when he first met him. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yeah, Jim had a horrible story. | ||
| Craig Gass has a horrible story. | ||
| Everyone has a horrible story. | ||
| And then, if you can help him, like, obviously, Opie and Anthony does a huge show, and Gene realized that he needed to have little Jimmy on his side. | ||
| I don't know what it is, but Jimmy now had a good experience with him, and they're friends. | ||
| But I fucking hated that guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That sucks to hear that. | ||
| It sucks because I was like such a big fan. | ||
| You know, you meet Slash and Slash is literally like the coolest fucking guy. | ||
| Sit down on the couch. | ||
| I go, hey man, how you doing? | ||
| He goes, not good. | ||
| My wife kicked me out last night. | ||
| I'm like, really? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| And he was like, I can't find any booze. | ||
| I just hear those words and I'm like, oh, if I heard that from Slash, I'd be like, dude, we're drinking. | ||
| I said to him, I go, I got booze in my green room, and he goes, stands up, let's go. | ||
| And we walk right in my green room with two extra glasses and start drinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| And then he says, and then he gets done this show. | ||
| This is his last. | ||
| He goes, looks at me, and he's like, what's your schedule for the rest of the day? | ||
| And I'm like, and I had that girl, remember that girl I dated with cerebral palsy? | ||
| She was there, and I was like, nothing. | ||
| He goes, because I'm going to fly to Europe in a few hours, but I wouldn't mind having another drink. | ||
| So we go to my green room and just keep drinking until his car takes him. | ||
| I was like, what a fucking great dude! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, let me tell you what sucks, man. | ||
| My poisonous snakes had an earthquake. | ||
| You know, like, just a fucking... | ||
| He's an awesome fucking guy. | ||
| And then you cut to Gene Simmons. | ||
| Like, Joe Montana. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking... | |
| Do you remember... | ||
| Who was the Nigerian nightmare? | ||
| He was a football player. | ||
| I don't know anything about football. | ||
| This is my favorite. | ||
| The guy's name. | ||
| If you type in the Nigerian nightmare, Brian, you'll come up with his name. | ||
| He was a fucking beast. | ||
| They took him out of Africa, put him in the backfield for the Chiefs. | ||
| And he was nice too, as I was going to say. | ||
| And he was a monster, right? | ||
| But he didn't... | ||
| His English was always... | ||
| Akoya. | ||
| Akoya. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| He's like fucking 6'6", 350. So I tell him, I go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| So we do the interview, and everyone wants to take pictures, and I go, oh, I want one too, but I want one with just me and you shirtless in my green room. | ||
| And so everyone laughs, and he doesn't laugh. | ||
| He doesn't get it. | ||
| He's like, oh, and I was like, okay. | ||
| So everyone laughs. | ||
| We leave. | ||
| I'm walking to my green room. | ||
| All of a sudden, he's behind me, and he goes, let's take pictures now shirtless in your green room. | ||
| And I was like, uh-oh. | ||
| I go, oh, I'm kidding. | ||
| And then he goes, I got you, funny boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I thought I was getting fucking ass raped. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| How long do you think you can fight him off? | ||
| 6'6", 350? | ||
| You wouldn't fight him off at all? | ||
| You just let it happen? | ||
| Yeah, I'd be like, let me just blow you. | ||
| Turtle up. | ||
| Just turtle up. | ||
| I was asking the audiences this week, what would you rather, okay? | ||
| I finish in your mouth, Bert. | ||
| What would you rather? | ||
| This is my genius bit of material I was working on this week. | ||
| Suck a dude's dick for 15 minutes. | ||
| Like the whole time up until climax and then you get to pass it off or be the dude that sucks it for that 15 seconds and just take a load in the mouth. | ||
| You know we just landed on Mars? | ||
| We just landed on Mars, Bert. | ||
| We just have a Mars rover flew through fucking space for eight months and landed on Mars. | ||
| Or take a load. | ||
| Whatever, that's fake, Joe. | ||
| Suck the dick or take the load, Brian. | ||
| Suck the dick or take it? | ||
| Suck the dick all the way up to the climax, then you can pass it off. | ||
| So you gotta start it off, or just take a look. | ||
| Is that a real question? | ||
| That's a very real question. | ||
| When Brian is asking you if something's real, that's how dumb this is. | ||
| No, I mean, you obviously would want to get your dick sucked instead of doing the sucking. | ||
| That's not the game, Brian. | ||
| That's not what he said, Brian. | ||
| You're not even paying attention. | ||
| You think I'm asking to suck your dick? | ||
| It's so hot in here. | ||
| Brian is barely here. | ||
| It is not hot in here, dude. | ||
| The air conditioning's on. | ||
| I feel it blowing right now. | ||
| I'm still sick, so I might be just... | ||
| Alright, change of subject. | ||
| Brody Stevens' show is fucking amazing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| It is so fucking good. | ||
| It is really good. | ||
| It is on HBO Go, and I literally... | ||
| It is so good that I watch the pilot. | ||
| Pilot ends, like the first one ends, and I'm hooked, and I realize at that moment I'm watching every single one of them. | ||
| Every single one of them. | ||
| And so, why is everyone on the show thinking he's gay? | ||
| Is that the word? | ||
| A lot of people think he's gay? | ||
| It's just out there. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I think his mom questions his sexuality. | ||
| His sister. | ||
| And he says, you know, I'm into chicks, I'm into chicks. | ||
| And at one point, he's in his room, like, talking to the camera, and he pulls out a Playboy. | ||
| He goes, see, look, I have a Playboy. | ||
| This is what I like. | ||
| So I believe it. | ||
| I mean, I never thought he was gay. | ||
| I've always thought that whenever someone has to, like, really try to convince you that they're not gay, they're probably gay. | ||
| I think if you're getting it called by your mom and your sister, you're just tired of fucking, like, look, I'm not gay. | ||
| I think his mom thinks he's straight, but his sister thinks he's gay, but he doesn't talk to his sister. | ||
| Why does his sister think he's gay? | ||
| Because he doesn't have a girlfriend? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She bullies him. | ||
| That's fucking so good, Joe. | ||
| Joe, you watch the first episode. | ||
| His sister bullies him? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's on HBO Go and it's on HBO On Demand. | ||
| Everyone loves it. | ||
| Everyone watches all six episodes in a row. | ||
| You're hooked like fucking lost. | ||
| It needs to be longer. | ||
| The beginning one is introducing you to Brody Stevens, pretty much. | ||
| It's everything you love about Brody. | ||
| Everything you love. | ||
| It's Zach explaining why Brody's so funny, what we like about him. | ||
| Sarah Silverman. | ||
| Then it ends with his mental breakdown. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then the next one is documenting the mental breakdown. | ||
| Sarah, Zach, voicemails that he left Zach. | ||
| I mean, he's fucking... | ||
| And then you're like, where the fuck is this going to go from here? | ||
| Like, and then it's him coming out of the, whatchamacallit, and then it's him going through therapy and like, like really kind of get, trying to get out and get, get some success and, and get out and like, and deal with whatever issues he had in the past. | ||
| It is so fucking good. | ||
| And here's what it really is too. | ||
| It's a great representation of Brody because he's hilarious, but he's also very vulnerable. | ||
| He's very honest. | ||
| It's so fucking good. | ||
| The best introduction of Brody in a row. | ||
| If you did not know who Brody was and you watched that, you are now a. | ||
| It's that good. | ||
| And what is it called? | ||
| It's called Enjoy It. | ||
| Brody Stevens, Enjoy It. | ||
| If you watch the first two minutes, you'll go, I gotta watch the whole thing. | ||
| And you can get a bunch of them, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Six. | |
| Six of them. | ||
| HBO is kind of testing this out, and hopefully it does great. | ||
| How long are they? | ||
| 16 minutes each, something like that. | ||
| Oh, perfect. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Have you seen Jerry Seinfeld's thing, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really interesting, man. | ||
| It was him and Larry David, and it was fun seeing these two brilliant guys that have accomplished this incredible task, creating Seinfeld, that sitcom, palling around together in this old Volkswagen many, many years later. | ||
| It was really cool, yeah. | ||
| It was really cool. | ||
| Just to have them talk, and they're talking about cars, and Seinfeld's talking about the kind of cars that he likes to drive. | ||
| Are they in different cars every time? | ||
| Yeah, well, he collects cars. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| Seinfeld has a fuckload of cars. | ||
| I know where his car collection is. | ||
| Shh, don't tell anybody. | ||
| That's creepy, Brian. | ||
| Where did you see this? | ||
| Someone's going to kidnap you and torture you. | ||
| Someone's going to kidnap you and torture you just so you give up the location. | ||
| Where did you see this? | ||
| It's online. | ||
| I think it's called ComediansInCarsGettingCoffee.com. | ||
| He has Colin Quinn on it. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| I did the Laugh Factory podcast yesterday with Dom Herrera and Jamie Masada, the owner of the Laugh Factory. | ||
| And I said that that's when I didn't like Jerry Seinfeld, which is really, there was a moment in time where I was slightly upset at him just for a half a second. | ||
| But when I say something like that on the podcast, it's really ridiculous. | ||
| Because the only reason why I was upset was when Kramer got busted and then they were on Letterman and Kramer called in via satellite and was sitting there. | ||
| And people were laughing at some of the things he said. | ||
| And Jerry goes, stop it. | ||
| It's not funny. | ||
| I was like, oh, come on, man. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I saw I got upset for a brief second. | ||
| Him protecting his friend. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| He's uptight. | ||
| Look, the guy doesn't ever talk about sex. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| If you watch any of his stand-up, there's nothing sexual. | ||
| You don't get to know him. | ||
| What he is is like a master joke teller. | ||
| He's like a master comedian. | ||
| Essentially, he can take any subject and put it through his professional mind and find the best way to get the funny in it. | ||
| It's that kind of funny. | ||
| It doesn't appreciate, like, if Stanhope was there, and if it was Stanhope's friend that had done that on television, he would be laughing with the crowd. | ||
| He would be laughing. | ||
| His face would be red. | ||
| I could see him just, you know, talking ad nauseum about the subject. | ||
| But to Jerry Seinfeld, he could not see the humor and the chaos. | ||
| And I think that's silly. | ||
| There's more humor and chaos in this country than there is in anything else. | ||
| I've gotten nervous on stage as of late because of the onsite of technology and people recording and people just posting and recording and recording and posting. | ||
| They're just going to do that. | ||
| You just got to accept that. | ||
| I ask people, if you come to my shows, please don't put it up on YouTube for a bunch of reasons. | ||
| One, because I'm working on this stuff. | ||
| I'm always working on shit. | ||
| I don't want it to be... | ||
| If it's going to be out on a DVD, I want it to be the right stuff. | ||
| I want it to be done. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| So while you're capturing that and putting it up, you're kind of fucking up my process a little bit. | ||
| Chris Rock said he's going to stop going on stage until they figure it out. | ||
| Oh, well, good luck with him. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| I think he's not. | ||
| He's being facetious. | ||
| It was an article I read online. | ||
| But he was saying, he was like, you know, it really sucks because when people tape it and put it up, then that's the representation that the world gets to see. | ||
| And he goes, the evolution of the joke, you know, black people versus n-words. | ||
| He goes, the evolution of that joke was horrible. | ||
| And there's a lot of times where it just didn't look right. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, and then I got it to the place where it worked, and even still, it's like, you know, once you even get it to where it works, it's not until another six months later that you figure out the right tag, you know? | ||
| And it's like, that's the thing that sucks, is like, fucking, you know, you're trying to write a joke, and then people videotape and put it up, and you're like, I wasn't fucking done. | ||
| Yeah, and it's also that people can know what your material is before they come to your shows. | ||
| They'll know, like, all the stuff that you're going to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because if they saw a last week's show on Calgary or wherever it was, Yeah, but you know what, man? | ||
| That's just a part of life. | ||
| This is the new world we live in. | ||
| All I can do is just do my best. | ||
| Try to write as much as possible, perform a lot, stay sharp, keep coming up with new shit, keep going out there and going at it. | ||
| All that other stuff is just whatever it is. | ||
| You can't stop it. | ||
| When it comes to technology and things like, when it comes to people... | ||
| Filming your art, you know, that you're doing in front of a large group of people and in front of an audience is people that are gonna want to film it. | ||
| It's just that's what they want to do. | ||
| It's part of life. | ||
| I wonder why they want to film it. | ||
| It's because they're enjoying it. | ||
| They're a big Burt Kreischer fan. | ||
| They come to see you, man. | ||
| They're all excited. | ||
| You know, if I go to see somebody, man, I'll fucking think about filming it. | ||
| If I went to see like a really good comic, if Dave Chappelle was doing a set and Brian was there and they let Brian put up his camera, I'm like, yeah, I get a copy of that. | ||
| I would love to see that. | ||
| I love comedy, man. | ||
| I love comedy. | ||
| I like bootleg recordings of bands sometimes, too. | ||
| I have the first set that Chappelle did when he came back from being crazy in Africa and stuff. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he did it at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Oh, you should put that online. | ||
| That's so fucking crazy that I automatically was like, I want to see that. | ||
| I'm like an asshole. | ||
| He was going to fight you in the ring, I heard. | ||
| Oh, did you read that? | ||
| That's from 2008. Oh, is it? | ||
| Yeah, he never really said that anyway. | ||
| So somebody just made it up. | ||
| But he is working out. | ||
| But he still smokes cigarettes. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| He's such a smart guy. | ||
| Unlike Brian. | ||
| Brian enjoys them. | ||
| With strep throat, he's in there puffing away. | ||
| I didn't have any when I was on strep throat. | ||
| I had one recently because I was like, damn, I miss the beauty of cigarettes. | ||
| Wait, you would quit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Technically, you went through the hard part? | ||
| I didn't smoke four days. | ||
| Yeah, so you made through the hard part and you went right back to it. | ||
| Fuck, it's an amazing thing. | ||
| It's like, why do you not want to watch HDTV again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Cigarettes are that good to you? | ||
| They're great. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| Cigarettes, coffee, pussy. | ||
| How are cigarettes good for you? | ||
| What does it do for you? | ||
| It just tastes good. | ||
| It's relaxing. | ||
| It just takes you down a notch. | ||
| When you need to think about something, you light a cigarette up and it just kind of puts you in this little zone. | ||
| Do you know why? | ||
| Nicotine. | ||
| Yeah, not even that. | ||
| Just the other stuff. | ||
| But every time you smoke a cigarette, there's like a slow countdown before you need another one. | ||
| Before your system needs that fix. | ||
| And when it doesn't have that fix, then you get all antsy. | ||
| And that antsiness just probably doesn't even manifest itself, like, really obviously in your everyday life. | ||
| You're just a little bit more tense, just a little bit weirder, a little bit whatever, and you're like, man, I need a fucking cigarette. | ||
| And so then whatever happens. | ||
| You get some pussy, you fucking, you know, you step out of the office for a second, and then you hit it. | ||
| Yeah, but everybody has that antsy shit. | ||
| You just do certain things. | ||
| Wow, that just relaxed me. | ||
| No, it gave you a fix. | ||
| You're a junkie. | ||
| Yeah, some people take that fix in food. | ||
| Some people take that fix in alcohol. | ||
| Some people take that fix in playing pool. | ||
| You have that antsy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some people don't take that fix in playing pool. | |
| Boss, you mind if I hit the pool hall real quick? | ||
| Ridiculous arguments I've ever heard. | ||
| It is not hot in here for you guys? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| The AC's on, man. | ||
| It's coming out of there. | ||
| Let me see your armpit, Bert. | ||
| Oh, I sweat naturally. | ||
| I'm a sweater. | ||
| Both you bitches could use to sweat it off a little bit. | ||
| I've been sweating for four days. | ||
| I'm the most detoxed person right now. | ||
| What is it about the cigarettes that keeps you from... | ||
| I mean, you know it's bad for you. | ||
| What is it about it that you just weigh the risks versus the reward? | ||
| You're like, fuck it. | ||
| I like the whole thing, man. | ||
| I like going out to have a cigarette and talking to the people outside. | ||
| I like eating a good meal. | ||
| After that, you have a fucking cigarette. | ||
| It's like a perfect mint to a dinner. | ||
| With alcohol, forget about it. | ||
| That's just like It's ridiculous how great cigarettes are with alcohol. | ||
| It's like a good pairing with everything. | ||
| And yeah, I understand. | ||
| It's fucking horrible. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to get fucking butthole cancer of the lungs. | ||
| But I don't care. | ||
| I know I need to quit. | ||
| I know I need to quit, but I'm not in a huge rush to quit. | ||
| If I told you that all of the stuff that you just said you loved... | ||
| That you could erase that and never know, like never have smoked. | ||
| Never have smoked ever. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Would you do it? | ||
| Or would you still go, fuck it, I still want to smoke. | ||
| I would not believe that there's a thing like that. | ||
| Because you can't erase the fucking whole ritual. | ||
| No, I tell you right now, I smoked and I do not smoke. | ||
| Are you saying hypnotize? | ||
| No, I smoked and I don't smoke and I have no want for it whatsoever. | ||
| Right. | ||
| None. | ||
| No, it's been a very long time that I've not smoked a cigarette. | ||
| But like I'm saying, you will quit and soon all that shit you love will just disappear and you'll go, ah, it's funny, I don't miss them. | ||
| Like, I don't miss them at all. | ||
| So you don't ever, ever think like, oh man, that cigarette actually smells really good right now? | ||
| Never do I think a cigarette smells good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, no one thinks a cigarette smells good except the person with it in their mouth. | ||
| I love the smell of a cigarette. | ||
| Brian goes up and down, because I swear, when Brian didn't smoke cigarettes, he had a completely different tune. | ||
| He would tell you how horrible they were, and how the smell of it makes him sick now, and he can't believe he was ever so stupid that he smoked, and he feels so much better, and he can think better. | ||
| It's like it's not. | ||
| I have this constant worry about when the next cigarette is coming. | ||
| It's like learning an Android device and bragging about it. | ||
| Yes, I understand. | ||
| That's what you used to be like. | ||
| You used to be like that, and then you got back to cigarettes. | ||
| Now you're like, cigarettes are the most awesome thing in the world. | ||
| I'll tell you what, the only thing is they make a long car ride doable. | ||
| You know what makes a long car ride doable? | ||
| This shit right here. | ||
| Podcasting. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah! | ||
| That's why we don't do them live, folks. | ||
| People go, you guys should have a live podcast. | ||
| You know how annoying that would be if we were live in your car at a giant comedy club? | ||
| The only way a live podcaster would be cool is if the live part was interactive. | ||
| Don Barris did it right. | ||
| Don Barris did a live podcast successfully on his Big 3 podcast. | ||
| He did it in front of the studio audience. | ||
| He did two episodes. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| Well, Don's more like he puts on a show, though. | ||
| Oh, it was beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His isn't like a standard podcast like the way we would have. | ||
| Like, if we did this in front of a live audience, it probably wouldn't be the best. | ||
| It would suck. | ||
| But what I was thinking is, I think what would be a great idea, though, is to have an interactive one. | ||
| Have like a question and answer sort of a podcast. | ||
| That would be easy to do. | ||
| I would love to answer people's questions. | ||
| Yeah, and we could put that online and people would enjoy that. | ||
| And that would be actually a fun thing. | ||
| And if we did it on a night at a comedy club, we could do some stand-up too. | ||
| We could all do a set first. | ||
| I'll do a short set. | ||
| Maybe everybody does 15-20 minutes. | ||
| So the first hour of it plus is just comedy. | ||
| And then we'll do a little Q&A. Where all of us get on like we did at the end of my comedy special in Atlanta. | ||
| Everybody came on stage in Atlanta. | ||
| Joey was up there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And we all, Duncan was up there. | ||
| We all talked to the audience, and the audience got to ask us questions. | ||
| What kind of questions do they ask? | ||
| Where to get the DMT, man? | ||
| Where to get the DMT, man? | ||
| A lot of the questions are silly. | ||
| One of them was a guy who wanted to challenge me about the moon landing. | ||
| Who would win Brock versus a flotation tank? | ||
| By the way, ladies and gentlemen, did you see the rover? | ||
| Yeah, that was really sweet, actually. | ||
| I don't not believe that we went to the moon. | ||
| People are confused on my stance. | ||
| I've altered it several times, so there is some confusion. | ||
| My current stance is, I do not believe that we didn't go to the moon, and I'm not convinced that we went. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| Hold on, say that again. | ||
| I would never say we didn't go, because I don't know if we went, but I'm not convinced we went. | ||
| No, I'm not 100% convinced. | ||
| It sounds so stupid. | ||
| I know it sounds stupid, but I think it might have been possible. | ||
| It's more interesting that you don't believe it, though. | ||
| Because you do that with almost everything. | ||
| You want to believe the opposite. | ||
| Like you're a rebel. | ||
| No, I want to be honest. | ||
| When it comes to Bigfoot and UFOs, believe me, dude. | ||
| Nobody wants to believe in Bigfoot or UFOs more than me. | ||
| Nobody does. | ||
| But, I look at it and I go, I am not buying it. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| Especially, I'm not buying UFOs. | ||
| I just look at it, I look at the people that are talking about it, and I go, I think there's some fuckery afoot. | ||
| I think that there's a lot of people that are seeing government aircrafts that they don't understand. | ||
| a lot of stealth technology, a lot of new drones and all kinds of shit that the government's been working on forever. | ||
| I think a lot of it is that. | ||
| Do I rule out the possibility that somewhere someone in our past has seen a spaceship from another dimension or another world? | ||
| No, definitely not. | ||
| But there's too many sightings. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I think most of it is crazy people. | ||
| You know, if you, a certain amount of any story you hear from people, any fantastical story that just gets distributed through the Internet or the news or whatever, a huge percentage of that has got to be crazy people that want attention because it's so easy to get attention. | ||
| And if you're the type of person that wants to fake something, what are you going to do? | ||
| You can make crop circles. | ||
| You can make a fake UFO photo. | ||
| Well, they believed for a long time that crop circles were real. | ||
| And then they did that video where the guy proved he could do it in the night. | ||
| The only problem with that, the only problem with those crop circles is the ones that they can do, they pale in comparison to some of the ones that are unexplained. | ||
| Yeah, because the kick-ass people don't want to talk about it. | ||
| Not just that. | ||
| There's something that happens to the nodes of the plant. | ||
| They explode out with energy. | ||
| They could be using a chemical. | ||
| It looks like a microbiome. | ||
| What I was going to say is there was a show where some kids from MIT or Harvard recreated all of the situations that happened inside of a crop circle. | ||
| They did it inside of four hours. | ||
| They did it at night. | ||
| They did it with night vision. | ||
| It wasn't the most complex, but it was a pretty cool one. | ||
| It was a cool crop circle that mimicked one of their science buildings on their campus. | ||
| And they actually figured out a way to, there's little iron fragments, like almost microscopic, like balls of iron, melted iron, that people found inside the crop circles. | ||
| They recreated that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They looked at that and they said, well, maybe this is evidence that some sort of a massive microwave technology was being used. | ||
| And it cooked the ground. | ||
| And the iron in the ground was turned into these hot little metal beads. | ||
| There was some sort of a reaction to it. | ||
| That was one of the thoughts. | ||
| And maybe they connected that to the growth nodes, to the fact that these nodes had exploded. | ||
| But these kids, these students, were able to recreate all of the different characteristics. | ||
| They made the growth nodes. | ||
| They had a microwave thing that they would blast. | ||
| He was wearing like a crazy radiation suit and shit. | ||
| It was pretty nuts. | ||
| With a long extension cord attached to a generator, and they're microwaving all the wheat. | ||
| And then when they microwaved the wheat, some of it popped and blew out, just like those growth nodes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So they recreated that. | ||
| They had this fire gun that they would spray this carbon into, and they were trying to make these little molten iron pellets. | ||
| And they recreated it. | ||
| I think it was like iron ore or something like that. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| They were shooting through this blast of fire. | ||
| And then they eventually did it with a bomb. | ||
| They put the iron ore in a bomb. | ||
| And they blew a bomb up sky high in the middle of the field. | ||
| All these are ridiculous because that's not how the people who did it could have done it. | ||
| Because otherwise people are going to see this fucking torch in the middle of their field. | ||
| They're going to hear the bomb go off in the middle of their field. | ||
| So... | ||
| It doesn't explain it well enough for it to be reasonable for the iron particles. | ||
| But the other thing was the expulsion of these nodes and these plants. | ||
| They can only do it in a couple of plants. | ||
| Whereas in these larger crop circles that are more complex, it seems like it's much more prevalent. | ||
| So the real question is, how do they do in those things? | ||
| And there's a lot of people that believe, and it might really be... | ||
| Not a bad idea or not a bad thought. | ||
| Is that this is just some technology that is not public. | ||
| That there's a way to make a geometric pattern in a field of wheat with some sort of a laser that's attached to a satellite that's in the sky. | ||
| And then it can shoot down and cut into the ground like this thing. | ||
| That it can microwave these plants and flatten them out. | ||
| It sounds ridiculous. | ||
| But so does the internet. | ||
| Everything sounds ridiculous. | ||
| I had a guy from the CDC in my show in Atlanta... | ||
| What is the CDC? Center for Disease Control? | ||
| Yeah, and he had me convinced, I'm telling you convinced, that the government created AIDS to kill gays and blacks. | ||
| Well, he's an idiot. | ||
| Convinced. | ||
| Yeah, but that's ridiculous. | ||
| There's people that say that are silly. | ||
| That is so silly. | ||
| You think that the government is trying to kill off gays and black people. | ||
| Well, they're doing a real shit job of it, okay? | ||
| There's just gay people and black people everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel it. | |
| Maybe it is true. | ||
| Maybe it is true. | ||
| Maybe that's why the government, because the government fucks up everything. | ||
| They fuck up everything. | ||
| So in them trying to wipe out gays and blacks, they've actually increased their numbers tenfold. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| Yeah, it's so stupid. | ||
| We're trying to kill off the poor people. | ||
| No, poor people are dying because they're sick, you crazy fuck. | ||
| And when, you know, the standard for calling someone, like, the real problem with AIDS in Africa, everyone's like, AIDS, Africa, everyone has AIDS in Africa. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| You know what AIDS is? | ||
| AIDS means your fucking immune system has crashed. | ||
| And there's a bunch of reasons for that. | ||
| And one of them is the lack of nutrition those people have. | ||
| So it's not HIV? No, a lot of it isn't, man. | ||
| When you call it all the same thing, it's not all the same thing, man. | ||
| The crushing of the immune system that these Africans are experiencing may or may not be HIV-related, but they're not testing them all for HIV when they come up with these statistics. | ||
| They're seeing people with AIDS. They're seeing people who are wasting away, and they know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| But I guarantee you that a percentage of that has got to be nutrition. | ||
| A large percentage. | ||
| I thought... | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I thought everyone just had AIDS. No, it becomes... | ||
| You see, it becomes a social issue. | ||
| It becomes something like... | ||
| If you want to donate money to AIDS research, that is like... | ||
| That's like real. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| But if you want to donate money to... | ||
| There's these people that aren't eating and they're getting really sick. | ||
| Oh, they don't even have a disease? | ||
| I'm going to save my money for a disease. | ||
| You know, it's all disease, anything, you know, if you've got fucking bulimia, that's a disease. | ||
| You're dis-ease. | ||
| You're not at ease. | ||
| You're a fucking mess. | ||
| You know, and these poor people in Africa, what you're dealing with is a bunch of different factors. | ||
| I'm sure some of them are getting HIV, too. | ||
| even causes AIDS is that Peter Duisburg guys who scares the fucking shit out of you because he's a biologist at the University of California Berkeley and look I'm a I have no understanding of biology diseases how they work how they you know retroviruses I don't understand any of that stuff right so when I listen to a guy like that talk and say that he doesn't believe that HIV even causes AIDS and he thinks that AIDS is a bunch of ridiculous shit Sounds like it is, right? | ||
| That's just like you. | ||
| When you were a kid, did people lie to you a lot? | ||
| Like, every single person lied to you, right? | ||
| I'm really good at spotting liars because I get lied to a lot. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Like how your dad was minding you? | ||
| I was around a bunch of idiots. | ||
| It was about a bunch of crazy, violent idiots when I was a little kid. | ||
| So I, at an early age, was forced to look at everything for myself. | ||
| I couldn't trust that guy. | ||
| I thought he was cool. | ||
| I thought he was my dad until he started hitting my mom. | ||
| I couldn't trust that guy because even though it was my grandfather, he was trying to fuck my mom in front of me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember that when I was a little kid. | ||
| Are you shitting me? | ||
| My mother was running away from my dad's dad because he was trying to grab her and he was trying to grab her pussy in front of me. | ||
| That shit's bananas. | ||
| How were you? | ||
| I was real little. | ||
| I was like four or five but it was one of those staining memories like where he's chasing her around like a counter or something like that and it just creeped me the fuck out man. | ||
| Is your mom still alive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where does she live? | ||
| I don't want to tell people. | ||
| Hey, so I got something that I need to tell you guys. | ||
| You guys need to get this done. | ||
| My mom doesn't like me talking about her on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Bert, you need to get this done. | ||
| She's a very private person. | ||
| We're in the middle of talking about my mom, dude. | ||
| I know, I was changing it for you. | ||
| I have a little respect. | ||
| I was changing it for you. | ||
| My mom would love me to talk about her. | ||
| She'd be like, bring me up. | ||
| What do you want to say? | ||
| When I had my AIDS outbreak this weekend, when I was at the doctor, and they put that thing in your ear to make your ears, I don't know why they didn't see your ears, but they were like, dude, your earwax is really bad. | ||
| I can't even see your eardrums. | ||
| Oh my god, oh my god. | ||
| Please tell me you're pulling up a video on the internet of cleaning out ears. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I just saw that the other day. | ||
| Well, he's just telling you. | ||
| He's about to tell you that he just did it. | ||
| So they're like, you know, that's bad. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, I know. | ||
| I actually always have to try to clean my ears out with hydrogen peroxide. | ||
| I'm always doing the Q-tip thing. | ||
| And she's like, no, no. | ||
| That shit just pushes it in. | ||
| It does nothing. | ||
| You need to come back here. | ||
| Here, pour this in your ears tonight. | ||
| And then pour this one in your ear in the morning. | ||
| And come back to me in like a day or two. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| And so I go home. | ||
| I pour this shit in my ear. | ||
| And then the next day I pour it in my other ear, whatever. | ||
| And I go there and she puts this like heavy duty water pick in my ear. | ||
| And she pushes it in. | ||
| And at first you're like, it doesn't hurt. | ||
| It kind of vibrates so it's kind of uncomfortable but it doesn't hurt. | ||
| And you're holding up this like little jar next to your ear. | ||
| And then she goes, oh my god, I've never seen that. | ||
| That came all out in one chunk. | ||
| And then I'm like, what? | ||
| And I look at it and the water is brown and there's like a chunk of wax the size of like a half dollar. | ||
| Like just amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It was amazing. | ||
| Your ear is half dollars bigger than your head. | ||
| It was humongous. | ||
| And she said that my whole ear canal was filled with wax. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And what happens is she's like, there's two different kinds of earwax. | ||
| There's one that's kind of like honey, and there's one that's kind of like a prune. | ||
| And she's like, you have the prune kind, which like builds and builds, and it stays kind of like a hard thing, so you never even know it's there. | ||
| It just makes your ear canals. | ||
| I gotta get the number, this lady. | ||
| Well, this is just a minute clinic in CVS, which I don't know if you know what those are. | ||
| Wait, you went into CVS to get this done? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I found this new... | ||
| So anyways, I did my other ear. | ||
| It was twice as bad. | ||
| Anyways, and now I have HD hearing. | ||
| Like, seriously, two or three times better hearing than I was there. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She's like, people think they have this thing after they get it done. | ||
| They call it like, oh, I have dog hearing now. | ||
| And I'm like, that's what it feels like. | ||
| I feel like I have been... | ||
| Like, I didn't pop my ears for 10 years. | ||
| Dude, I gotta get in on that. | ||
| Have you seen the videos? | ||
| You know, that's why they have certain sounds that they put around certain buildings that only kids can hear, and it's like annoying to keep kids away. | ||
| Yeah, there's a frequency that young kids can hear that we can't hear anymore. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I heard about that. | ||
| I heard about that. | ||
| There's a ringtone that you can get for your phone that does that frequency that only kids hear. | ||
| So your parents can't hear? | ||
| Can't hear that you're getting texts. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Wait, what did you interrupt or say? | ||
| Because I had something to say about that, what you were saying. | ||
| Was it very fast? | ||
| Very fast what? | ||
| Remember, I was just saying this story and I was like, oh wait, very fast anyways, the HD. Oh, about your ear thing? | ||
| When you interrupted with the ear thing? | ||
| We were talking about my mom. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I mean, during my ear story, Bert, you said something right at the very end, and it made me speed up the end, but I wanted to get... | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We lost it, son. | |
| Fucking marijuana. | ||
| Just in the wind. | ||
| I definitely got in... | ||
| Minute clinics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Minute clinics. | |
| I went to minute clinics. | ||
| Did you know the CVS has these things? | ||
| You just go in, you can be like, type in your name. | ||
| This woman goes, all right, ready to see you. | ||
| You come and be like, hey, I got strep throat. | ||
| She's like, let me check. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| Here's your medicine prescription. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| And you don't have to do any of the doctor shit anymore. | ||
| So I just go to these minute clinics. | ||
| Is it a doctor who diagnoses you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's a nurse. | ||
| Nurse practitioner. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so they know enough for most things, like most common colds, strep throat, whatever bullshit. | ||
| But so now I just go all the time because it's covered by insurance also. | ||
| So even if it wasn't, it's only like $60 or $70. | ||
| And you just go there and be like, I think I have strep. | ||
| And she's like, you open your mouth, she goes, you probably do. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| And then you just go next door and drop off your prescription. | ||
| You're in and out in like an hour. | ||
| There's no wait. | ||
| Do you know where they learned that from? | ||
| The OxyContin clinics in Florida. | ||
| Pain management. | ||
| Yeah, pain management centers. | ||
| A lot of fucking money in pain management. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of money in prescribing all kinds of different... | ||
| Any time you can get a line of people that need some pills and you can sell them some pills, you just have to have a doctor there who's willing to scribble some shit on some paper and you're golden. | ||
| My buddy's doing that now. | ||
| They've created a group of doctors who do house calls but do house calls over the phone. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| And so you basically, it's like, look, the majority of prescriptions are for antibiotics. | ||
| So, listen, I got a cold. | ||
| I know I need fucking antibiotics. | ||
| Can you just prescribe me antibiotics? | ||
| Do you take antibiotics every time you get a cold? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, I don't. | ||
| I don't take anything. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| I don't take a fucking thing. | ||
| That's how I test. | ||
| It's that old Mitch Hedberg. | ||
| It's how I test if I have AIDS. Let's see if I'm alive in five days. | ||
| I've gotten sick, sick, sick, too. | ||
| I had to do it with strep, but I usually don't either. | ||
| Well, I've had, if I got the flu, when I have had the flu, I've taken medicine. | ||
| I take that Tamiflu, taking that stuff. | ||
| It's very good when you, right after you get the flu, like within, what are you doing? | ||
| Sticking things to my forehead. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Soaking up the sweat. | ||
| But that Tamiflu stuff's very effective if you catch it, like, really quick. | ||
| What do you guys talk about when you're not doing a podcast? | ||
| We don't talk much. | ||
| We try not to talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| He called me the other day, and I wanted to tell him about this ear shit, but we're like, I can't tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| Stop talking. | ||
| And I was like, what's the point of talking? | ||
| I was like, we have to only talk about the podcast that we just did. | ||
| Like, ha, that podcast yesterday. | ||
| Yeah, that's what we talk about. | ||
| We talk about what went good, what didn't go so good. | ||
| Brian, how did you not videotape them cleaning out your ear? | ||
| I was thinking of it. | ||
| It was really disgusting. | ||
| They cleaned out your ear at CVS. I'll go tomorrow. | ||
| They have a little closet. | ||
| There's not every CVS. You have to have MinuteClinic.com or CVS. They have a little room about the size of a little small office. | ||
| You just go in and they do it all right there. | ||
| It's super cheap, super convenient. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I got a clinic one time. | ||
| That thing was fucking amazing. | ||
| Speaking about health, okay, I tried the bacon and eggs diet in the morning, bacon, eggs, and coffee, and I tried the kale shake. | ||
| That's why you look so ripped, Bo. | ||
| And I'm back to the kale shake. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Unfortunately, the reality is that bacon and eggs, when you have the bacon and eggs and coffee breakfast that Rob Wolf, the guy who wrote the Paleo Solution. | ||
| Weren't you supposed to try it for a month, though? | ||
| Is that what he said? | ||
| Yeah, try it for a month and then let me know how you feel. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I tried it for a little while. | ||
| Digestive juices, it's a very different operation for a kale shake than it is for bacon and eggs. | ||
| And the amount of energy I have, like, when I have a kale shake, I don't feel hungry, but I have energy. | ||
| It's a very weird thing, and it's not like I'm struggling to process the food that's in my body. | ||
| It's super easy to process because it's already Vitamix down. | ||
| It's already blended the fuck up. | ||
| It does not taste that good. | ||
| It doesn't. | ||
| It tastes okay. | ||
| But for the health benefits, I take that shit in the morning and I feel fucking great. | ||
| And I've tried the other way. | ||
| Listen, nobody likes fucking bacon and eggs more than me. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I like bacon and eggs with hot sauce. | ||
| That's what I like to do. | ||
| Throw a little salt and pepper on them fucking sunny side up bags. | ||
| And give me some fucking hot sauce. | ||
| I'll eat the shit out of some bacon and eggs. | ||
| And I fucking love bacon. | ||
| When he was talking about cooking bacon for two hours, my dick got hard. | ||
| But the reality for me is that I find that... | ||
| I feel personally... | ||
| I need some animal protein. | ||
| I try. | ||
| I've tried to go vegan before. | ||
| I've tried to go just for experimental purposes. | ||
| I fucking miss meat, man. | ||
| I miss it. | ||
| Especially after I lift weights or anything really strenuous. | ||
| My body wants some meat. | ||
| And I'm not really a big fan of cows. | ||
| I wish they were treated better. | ||
| I would rather eat game. | ||
| I would rather eat wild things that were running around their whole life and then got blasted out of nowhere. | ||
| I think that's like the most humane and the smartest way for us to approach it. | ||
| Like, I really think Ted Nugent's got it nailed. | ||
| That guy lives on a fucking giant ranch, and he kills animals every day. | ||
| He goes, and he sits up in a tree stand, and he waits, and he shoots a fucking deer with a bow and arrow, and that's what they eat for dinner. | ||
| Fucking good. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a whole fucking setup out there. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing. | ||
| And it's so good for you, too. | ||
| It's so good for you. | ||
| But when I look at what makes me feel the healthiest, I've tried the bacon and eggs in the morning, and although it's fucking fantastic and delicious as shit, I don't feel as good as when I have the kale shakes. | ||
| No, wait. | ||
| What are Kale shakes just give me more energy. | ||
| They're fucking amazing. | ||
| I'm not struggling to digest it. | ||
| There's a difference between the digestion feeling of the bacon. | ||
| Eggs, by the way, are pretty goddamn light. | ||
| You could chew some eggs down. | ||
| You could have three sunny-side-up eggs with very little butter. | ||
| It's really nothing. | ||
| It's really light. | ||
| If you poach them, they're fantastic. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| Really light. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy to digest. | |
| What are you putting in your kale shake that tastes like shit? | ||
| Mine tastes amazing. | ||
| Sperm. | ||
| No. | ||
| A little bit of that. | ||
| I just put the standard ingredients, celery, cucumber, kale, and then I always have garlic, raw garlic, and ginger, and coconut oil. | ||
| Rob Wolf says you should put coconut oil. | ||
| It helps your body to absorb the nutrients in the kale shakes when you add a little fat to it. | ||
| Coconut oil is a really healthy fad to have anyway. | ||
| It's really super good for you. | ||
| Mine tastes like juicy fruit. | ||
| They're fucking amazing. | ||
| What are you putting in there? | ||
| Half a banana, half a pear, half an orange. | ||
| Kale, and a handful of grapes. | ||
| So yours is more like a fruit smoothie. | ||
| A fruit smoothie, yes. | ||
| And I wonder, because when I was drinking them, I wasn't losing a ton of weight. | ||
| I was plateaued hardcore. | ||
| That's a lot of calories. | ||
| Bananas have a dickload of calories. | ||
| Well, there's also, all that other stuff, it's got a lot of sugar in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And even though it's fruit sugar, it's sugar, natural sugars from fruit, it's better for you than standard sugar, you know, like, you know, processed sugar. | ||
| You still really shouldn't have that much, probably, all the time. | ||
| You know, I think your body aches for greens. | ||
| Fruits are very good, very important, especially after training. | ||
| After training, like, fruits taste fucking delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Oh, you have a nice, delicious pear after you have a hard workout. | ||
| Watermelons are amazing. | ||
| You know Donnell Rollins? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Donnell Rollins, we were doing this show, this TV show for, whatchamacallit, for Comedy Central, and Donnell is like, Donnell grew up in the hood. | ||
| He's respectful. | ||
| He wouldn't dress in gay shit, because he was like, nah, my boys will see that shit, and I'll never let that shit down. | ||
| I'm not dressing like, no, gay. | ||
| I'm not, you know, that's Donnell. | ||
| So Donnell... | ||
| You don't get him in trouble. | ||
| Donnell would say it on this podcast. | ||
| So... | ||
| Donnell, we're out in the middle of the desert doing a photo shoot for Comedy Central. | ||
| It's hot as fuck. | ||
| We're all dusty. | ||
| And they bring out a huge bowl of watermelon. | ||
| And Donnell just fucking couldn't bring himself to eat the watermelon. | ||
| Because he's like, nah, I'm not going to fucking do that. | ||
| I'm not going to eat watermelon in front of a bunch of white people. | ||
| That's so silly. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| This is such a weird thing, that watermelon thing. | ||
| Watermelon and chicken are both delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're fucking amazing. | |
| But if you imply that black people enjoy watermelon and chicken, all of a sudden you're a racist. | ||
| I'm implying you enjoy delicious foods. | ||
| Two, by the way, maybe the best foods ever. | ||
| Really good fried chicken is fucking fantastic. | ||
| If you get like Roscoe's chicken and waffle fried chicken, you go to Roscoe's? | ||
| You ever go to Roscoe's? | ||
| Goddamn, Roscoe's is good. | ||
| The waffles are fucking even better than the fried chicken. | ||
| The waffles are sensational and the fucking chicken is perfect. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| That's some good tasting food. | ||
| And watermelon, when you're hot and thirsty, is the most satisfying fruit ever. | ||
| How could anybody be upset that you're talking about them liking chicken and waffles? | ||
| Or chicken and watermelon. | ||
| I don't know where that came in, why that would be... | ||
| Everyone likes that shit. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You know, chickens at one point in time were a luxury item. | ||
| That's why one of the presidents, I think it was Roosevelt, promised a chicken in every pot. | ||
| The chicken was the more preferred animal. | ||
| It was harder to get. | ||
| Beef was more common. | ||
| The reason they fried it, the reason is that it traveled well. | ||
| Really? | ||
| If you fried it, it could last. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, that was why the fried chicken was a big southern thing because you could travel with it. | ||
| How long will it last if you fry it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it lasts forever if you put it in a fridge. | ||
| But I'm guessing more than one meal. | ||
| So this was, they used to have to roll the dice with food back then, right? | ||
| Where they made food. | ||
| They probably were real careful with like leftovers and shit. | ||
| Once we figured out leftovers, it's really interesting because that's how sort of society was created. | ||
| If you stop and look, first of all, we figured out how to get all our shit and put it together. | ||
| We figured out agriculture and we figured out how to get everything in one place. | ||
| We built cities. | ||
| And then you have resources. | ||
| Everything's all stockpiled up. | ||
| And then it gets to where we're at today. | ||
| It's like now we've figured out a way to stockpile pretty much everything and even food in your house. | ||
| Like you can eat it and cook it and then you store it away in the freezer. | ||
| So it's like you're stockpiling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's something you couldn't do when you were just walking around outside trying to hunt for food every day. | ||
| It's hard keeping vegetables. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like vegetables. | ||
| Think how quick vegetables go bad. | ||
| They never... | ||
| And then they all ripe at once. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, fuck everyone, let's start eating cucumbers. | ||
| Yeah, that's all you can do. | ||
| You gotta eat them as quick as you can. | ||
| And then in the winter, you're fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If there's an apocalypse, you know the number one animal to get that'll sustain you and your entire family? | ||
| What? | ||
| Rabbit. | ||
| Rabbits? | ||
| Yeah, I saw one of those fucking doomsday preparers. | ||
| You know, you can starve from eating rabbits. | ||
| It's like a type of lack of fat to your diet. | ||
| You can literally starve. | ||
| You don't get enough nutrients. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Say if you were trapped somewhere and all you had to eat was rabbits for like a month, you might starve to death just eating just those rabbits. | ||
| Well, this guy said you couldn't... | ||
| It seems wrong. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Well, I'm pretty sure it's true. | ||
| This guy says they reproduce so quickly that within a year, your fucking crop is huge. | ||
| Well, the thing is that you would have to eat other things as well. | ||
| Yeah, rabbit starvation is true. | ||
| Death from rabbit starvation or the eating of other skinny meat. | ||
| Who wrote that, though? | ||
| Bugs Bunny? | ||
| No, bro. | ||
| This is on fucking Wikipedia with scientific statements. | ||
| It's a form of acute malnutrition caused by excess consumption of any lean meat. | ||
| Coupled with a lack of other sources of nutrients, usually in combination with other stressors, such as severe cold or dry environment. | ||
| So if it's a severely dry desert or really dry environment, you can eat rabbits and starve to death. | ||
| That would suck dick. | ||
| Symptoms include diarrhea, headache, fatigue. | ||
| That's every day for Brian. | ||
| You're dying of rabbit poison, son. | ||
| I hate to tell you this. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that amazing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucking crazy. | |
| Yeah, you need fat. | ||
| Your body needs fat. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| We got real weird with all this low-fat this and low-fat that. | ||
| We need fat. | ||
| There's a lot of, like, avocado. | ||
| There's a lot of healthy fats you can get from plants if you're not into eating animals, but you need some fucking fat in your body. | ||
| You need to lube up those joints, bitch. | ||
| I just want protein and some vegetables. | ||
| That's my fucking diet these days. | ||
| Steak. | ||
| That's what's up. | ||
| That's what's up, vegans. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| I'm down with all your food. | ||
| You guys make some delicious, nutritious, and very healthy food. | ||
| However, you can't fuck with a ribeye. | ||
| You cannot fuck with a ribeye over mesquite. | ||
| Bone in. | ||
| Fuck yeah, son. | ||
| Did we say bone in? | ||
| Fuck yes, son. | ||
| There's no better feeling than... | ||
| Oh, the smell! | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| How could you run away from it? | ||
| Fuck a cow! | ||
| They would eat you. | ||
| They would eat you. | ||
| If you were made out of grass, they would eat the fucking shit out of you. | ||
| They don't care about you. | ||
| They're dumb as hell. | ||
| You should not torture them, for sure. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I think that factory farming is cruel. | ||
| I'd be much more willing to pay more for a burger that comes from sustainable farms where they're doing it organically and... | ||
| You know, humanely kill the cow when it comes time to do it. | ||
| I would much rather do that. | ||
| But cows are here to be eaten. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| Steak is goddamn delicious. | ||
| And if we didn't kill cows, we're gonna have to fucking run around neutering them then. | ||
| We're gonna have to figure out some way to stop them from fucking. | ||
| We're gonna have a regular environment. | ||
| We're gonna have to separate the bull from the cows. | ||
| And then what? | ||
| We just let those cows not breed and starve to death? | ||
| Or do we let this animal go extinct because we're not going to eat it anymore? | ||
| Because those are the options. | ||
| Or mountain lions on the streets. | ||
| Those are your options. | ||
| What's your options? | ||
| We bring fucking tigers into North America? | ||
| I'll take mountain lions on the street. | ||
| Would you really? | ||
| Yeah, because I think it would make people nicer. | ||
| Look at Pasadena. | ||
| Have you seen Pasadena? | ||
| There's more bears in Pasadena again. | ||
| Again? | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| They're swimming in everyone's pools now. | ||
| All these bears are going because it's so hot in Pasadena. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seriously? | |
| They're coming down from Big Bear. | ||
| They're coming down from Lake Arrowhead and Big Bear. | ||
| It's a weekly thing now, and they pretty much just said, yeah, this is going to happen. | ||
| It's really hot. | ||
| Time to go bear hunting in the backyard. | ||
| That's what I say. | ||
| I think a bear that's in my yard can suck my dick. | ||
| I'm going to shoot him. | ||
| I'm not calling conservation. | ||
| I have a big compound boat. | ||
| What if he has tickets to Lady Gaga? | ||
| How much trouble do you think you get in trouble for killing a bear? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Maybe I have to pay a fine. | ||
| What if it's Tom Sabara? | ||
| That bear needs to be shot and killed. | ||
| Do I really mean this? | ||
| No, I'd probably call that. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| I would call animal control. | ||
| I would definitely bring my kids and say, this is what a bear looks like. | ||
| I would definitely have a gun on me, you know, in case the bear tried to get into the house. | ||
| Do you have a shotgun? | ||
| Dude, I got a lot of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Don't fuck with me. | ||
| We shot machine guns. | ||
| I know guns, man. | ||
| Have you seen the videos of all the... | ||
| By the way, in no way do we make light of any of the recent gun shooting tragedies that have been going on. | ||
| When you discuss guns, I think that's sort of the elephant in the room. | ||
| You have to bring up all these different tragedies that are going on. | ||
| This Sikh temple thing is so horrific, man. | ||
| If you've never met Sikhs before, they are some of the nicest, most peaceful people... | ||
| And they're saying that someone confused them, some white supremacist dude confused them with Muslims and he was an idiot and some 9-11 guy. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Yeah, he was a veteran. | ||
| He probably had PTSD. So anyway, he goes in and shoots up this place. | ||
| But there's videos, and this is where it gets really crazy, of these people that are from the temple who were talking to reporters and they're talking about multiple gunmen. | ||
| They said there were three other guys. | ||
| They kept saying there's three other guys. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Here, I'll tell you what the video is. | ||
| Eddie Bravo tweeted it. | ||
| Of course, when Eddie Bravo tweets things, you gotta go, hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to see more pictures of clouds. | |
| His cloud collection must be off the hook. | ||
| Oh, dude, he knows when they're spraying. | ||
| So you say they're spraying. | ||
| He knows when they're spraying. | ||
| He's the only reason I know about chemtrails. | ||
| Yeah, he's a beautiful person. | ||
| He's I talk about chemtrails all the time, and people are always like, really? | ||
| And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I never knew where it came from. | ||
| It's from Eddie Bravo. | ||
| He believes that shit, man. | ||
| He believes it. | ||
| It would be crazy if he was right. | ||
| Let me find this man. | ||
| Give me a second. | ||
| So this guy was so stupid that he confused Sikhs with the terrorists? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think he just doesn't like how they look, like the turbans and the hair. | ||
| Because, I mean, during these interviews, you could tell dumb people would look at them and be like, that Those are terrorists. | ||
| People did. | ||
| Some people do look at that and go, oh yeah, look at that. | ||
| But that's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, that's the standard story. | ||
| This story is much more fantastical. | ||
| Okay, this is the video. | ||
| Go to seek massacre, S-I-K-H, massacre, and then colon, that's the two dots, one on top of the other. | ||
| Oh, why would you do that? | ||
| Eyewitness testimony, Why don't you use two hands, you silly bitch? | ||
| I'm just going to Google this. | ||
| Testimony contradicts official story. | ||
| Well, it's not ridiculous. | ||
| These people are saying, and this is where it gets interesting, is because these people are saying that they were there and they saw more than one gunman. | ||
| And it could mean they were in absolute, abject terror and they hallucinated. | ||
| But the fact that so many of them hallucinated, you know, when you're in a period of an intense traumatic situation like that, it is possible that one person could say that. | ||
| Yeah, but no one in the Colorado massacre said anything more than that. | ||
| Yes, they did. | ||
| They did? | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Click on that. | ||
| Click on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dad is out and at the hospital and we're just relaying information back and forth. | |
| I'm trying to get as much info as possible. | ||
| What many have you learned from him about what transpired inside or from your mother? | ||
| The most I can learn or the most I know as of now is that there are multiple shooters. | ||
| There's multiple people. | ||
| It was a very well coordinated thing. | ||
| It wasn't haphazard and I think that's why police and everybody are taking the proper protocol to get the situation under control. | ||
| I'm not trying to jeopardize anything and describe what's happening currently, but as far as your mother, she was at the time that we spoke at one point hiding. | ||
| Did she give you any sense for how many people, at that time at least, were hiding? | ||
| The sense over there was when she started hiding in the closet, she didn't know how many people were out there. | ||
| That's the wrong video. | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| That's the wrong one. | ||
| But this is what I want you to Google. | ||
| Is this one right here? | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| Just go to YouTube. | ||
| I know, but just trust me. | ||
| Go to YouTube and get this video because this is a really good one. | ||
| It's a great compilation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that right there, he said something very important in that video. | |
| What'd he say? | ||
| He said that there was multiple shooters and my mom didn't know before she hid how many shooters there was. | ||
| So she made to the conclusion that there was multiple shooters after she hid. | ||
| Okay, I don't know what you're talking about, but just pull this up. | ||
| Seek S-I-K-H Massacre. | ||
| Massacre. | ||
| and seek massacre and eyewitness testimony testimony contradicts CTS yeah that's it the second one down Oh, second one down? | ||
| Yeah, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Now listen to this, because this is, uh... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We now know this is the gunman who opened fire inside that sick temple. | |
| A military vet. | ||
| ...multiple shooters and that they are of Caucasian descent. | ||
| All right, that, just so you know, that guy, I just explained... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, you did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
...that that's complete bullshit. | |
| Hold on, stop it, Brian. | ||
| That is not complete bullshit. | ||
| You are relaying a man's discussion that his mother said... | ||
| You don't know if it's total bullshit. | ||
| It's too much to chain down the information. | ||
| You don't exactly know. | ||
| What he said, though, he said something very, very important. | ||
| His mom had no idea how many shooters there was until after she hid. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| So she's hidden, and she came to the conclusion there's multiple shooters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| That's what he said. | ||
| But he's relaying what his mom said. | ||
| That shit gets very fucked up. | ||
| He's on the phone with her, he said. | ||
| But he's relaying what she said. | ||
| Unless you're talking to her and she says that, you don't know why the fuck she thought it. | ||
| There might be something else to the reason why she thought there was multiple shooters. | ||
| There might be more than one reason. | ||
| They might have seen it later. | ||
| This video is only focusing on... | ||
| Just play this. | ||
| Play this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There are multiple shooters. | |
| There's multiple people. | ||
| It was a very well coordinated thing. | ||
| It wasn't haphazard. | ||
| There were white males who were dressed darkly, just in all black clothing, came in and opened fire on our congregation. | ||
| One of the gunmen is down, so there's three left. | ||
| My mom's hiding in the closet right now. | ||
| She's hyper scared and saying that the people are still in there. | ||
| I don't know how many. | ||
| Some people went inside. | ||
| Unidentified people went inside the church and they did a bunch of shooting. | ||
| One of the wounded men said an unknown number of gunmen had walked into the kitchen of the Sikh temple and opened fire. | ||
| A man who said his father had been wounded reported that there had been multiple gunmen. | ||
| We now know this is the gunman who opened fire inside that Sikh temple. | ||
| A military vet. | ||
| You know, what we are really seeing, apparently, is lone wolf terrorism. | ||
| And what we need to do is change the way in which people think about guns, especially young people. | ||
| We need to do this every day of the week and just really brainwash people into thinking about guns in a vastly different way. | ||
| And just really brainwash people into thinking about guns in a vastly different way. | ||
| See, that's why it's weird. | ||
| It wasn't just one guy. | ||
| That's why I was trying to tell you to let it play. | ||
| The one guy is relaying some shit from his mom. | ||
| The other dude was in there, it sounds like. | ||
| Well, yeah, and the other woman was in there. | ||
| She saw more than one person. | ||
| Everybody was saying it's more than one person. | ||
| Does that mean there was more than one person? | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| Because I'll tell you, if you've ever been inside of any sort of a chaotic situation, people lose their shit. | ||
| And a lot of times people don't know exactly what's going on. | ||
| They're on survival mode. | ||
| They're on fight or flight mode. | ||
| When adrenaline takes over, people go into a tunnel and they don't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| And if, you know, one person starts saying, there's more than one gunman. | ||
| You just need one person to say it and then boom. | ||
| Everybody will be repeating. | ||
| He was also ex-military. | ||
| Is that what they said? | ||
| So that could be another thing. | ||
| If these were all military guys and they grabbed the other three... | ||
| It could be. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| It might be some militia and they kidnapped the other three. | ||
| They're going to let them go because they have a fucking cop somewhere. | ||
| Who knows, man? | ||
| I don't know if there was four people or just one person in there. | ||
| I don't know if it was really just a... | ||
| But the sad thing is that these people died and if it really was some sort of a white supremacist group, these people are the nicest people ever. | ||
| Sikhs, first of all, they eat marijuana. | ||
| It's part of their religion. | ||
| They have some crazy yogurt drink. | ||
| You're doing it wrong. | ||
| They have some... | ||
| The fuck they are. | ||
| The shit will blow you through the fucking center of the universe. | ||
| I thought if you just ate... | ||
| Oh, they cook it. | ||
| They do it. | ||
| It's like a yogurt. | ||
| It's like a marijuana yogurt. | ||
| I mean, they do it to get high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's part of their religion, man. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| See, I run into a lot of Sikhs in Canada. | ||
| They come to a lot of shows, especially in Toronto. | ||
| They are some of the nicest, fucking coolest people you'll ever meet. | ||
| But people are thrown off because we see a guy in a turban and we assume Muslim. | ||
| We assume they hate us. | ||
| Sikhs love the Western way of life. | ||
| Sikhs aren't even Muslim. | ||
| No, it's totally different. | ||
| Not only that, they're really open about having their... | ||
| I think they're a type of Buddhist. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I think Sikh is the religion. | ||
| Yeah, what is it? | ||
| It's a type of Indian. | ||
| Sikh is S-I-K-H. Let's find out, because I've met a lot of them, and they seem to be some really nice people. | ||
| And so when I see this, it's a monotheistic religion founded in the 15th century in the Punjab region. | ||
| Continued progress for ten successive Sikh gurus. | ||
| Sikhs are expected to embody the qualities of a saint-sipah, a saint-soldier. | ||
| One must have control over one's internal vices and be able to be constantly immersed in virtues clarified in the Guru Granth Shahib. | ||
| The principal belief of the Sikh, our faith in the Waheguru, represented by the Fais, Whoa, this is weird. | ||
| I don't even know what all these extra dots are. | ||
| Yeah, I'll try this. | ||
| It on tar, meaning one god, along with praxis, in which the Sikh is enjoined to engage in social reform through the pursuit of justice for all human beings. | ||
| This sounds like the most beautiful religion ever. | ||
| Very peaceful. | ||
| Yeah, Sikh advocates the pursuit of salvation in a social context through the congressional practice of meditation on the name and message of God. | ||
| The followers of Sikh are ordained to follow the teachings of the ten Sikh gurus or enlightened leaders, as well as the holy scripture entitled the Guth Granth Sahib Ji, which along with the writings of the Sikh, this is getting a little wordy, I think we figured out the conspiracy, though. | ||
| They're all fucking high on marijuana and they're seeing multiple people. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| That's actually a good point. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| If they were actually high on the stuff in their ceremony. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That makes 100%. | ||
| That's a really good point. | ||
| When I was a kid, me and my buddy and his mom took a boat across our lake to go watch a party. | ||
| I guess I have to leave soon. | ||
| These kids started throwing oranges at us. | ||
| It was like the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me at that time because it was the middle of the night. | ||
| More than Gene Simmons or less than Gene Simmons? | ||
| It was before Gene Simmons. | ||
| Do you think Gene Simmons is going to reach out to you after this? | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| Let him try. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| He was nice to me when I met him twice. | ||
| I'm sure he was nice to a lot of people. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| In 2000? | ||
| 2000? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe he changed in the last 12 years. | ||
| Would you give a man a break? | ||
| Yeah, I'll tell you what. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| Gene, if you'd like to come to my show, I won't have any... | ||
| Would you have him in your man cave and do a podcast with him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Oh, in a fucking heartbeat. | ||
| If you need to do that for his reality show, it'd be a good episode. | ||
| The guy got a facelift on TV. He did. | ||
| He's got a fresh face. | ||
| In his rider, everyone's got shit in their rider. | ||
| In his rider, he has to come in and see the lighting the day before. | ||
| So he came over to the studio the day before and checked the lighting and had his own lighting guy come in and redo the lighting. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why would you care about the lighting? | ||
| Because his hair, I think. | ||
| So he wants to make sure it's not... | ||
| Dropping down on his hair. | ||
| Yeah, dropping right down on his hair. | ||
| So it's super soft. | ||
| Everyone looked good in that episode. | ||
| Super soft. | ||
| Do you know why they do riders? | ||
| Why the concept of a rider is there? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Initially. | ||
| So like, was it Guns N' Roses or Van Halen had the ridiculous rider where they had only brown M&M's. | ||
| They wanted M&M's in the thing, but it's only brown. | ||
| Which band was it? | ||
| I don't fucking know, Joe. | ||
| Come on, don't pick me apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're so... | |
| But the reason they did it is because they had a bunch of pyrotechnics. | ||
| So the idea was, if they're not paying attention to the smallest thing, then they're not paying attention to anything. | ||
| So that's why they put ridiculous things in riders, so that the artist knew, alright, this is a top-notch show. | ||
| So that was the whole concept of riders. | ||
| I thought that was fascinating. | ||
| That is fascinating. | ||
| I think it's more like they're spoiled cunts and they want fucking brown M&M's. | ||
| Some people do. | ||
| Some people are. | ||
| Do you have anything in your rider? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think they have to bring water. | ||
| No. | ||
| Heineken's? | ||
| Water. | ||
| A bottle of red wine. | ||
| Bottle of red wine. | ||
| Throat coat. | ||
| Honey. | ||
| Throat coat. | ||
| Honey. | ||
| Coffee. | ||
| This went from nothing. | ||
| Index cards. | ||
| Index cards. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Sharpies. | ||
| Sharpies. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Turkey or any kind of mixed meats. | ||
| Gotta have some meat. | ||
| Are you... | ||
| And fruit. | ||
| We gotta have fruit fruit too. | ||
| Fuck, I have nothing in my rider. | ||
| Gotta get a rider sign. | ||
| You know what it's important? | ||
| It's important when you're rolling with Joey fucking Diaz and he's hungry. | ||
| And if you don't ever want Joey hungry, you want to have some food around for him to make a quick sandwich. | ||
| So if Joey can slap a fucking... | ||
| He'll be right about to go on stage and he's got a fucking ham. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at what we got here. | |
| We got some fucking cheese. | ||
| Dude, he is the most requested comic when I go on the road. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| They're like, when's Joey Diaz coming here? | ||
| And I'm like, I have no fucking idea. | ||
| I don't book his dates. | ||
| I played this for everybody. | ||
| The video of him. | ||
| I'll play it for you after the podcast. | ||
| I've already played it on the podcast before. | ||
| Of him going on stage in New York. | ||
| And it's like a minute and a half of people screaming before he goes on stage. | ||
| This podcast is taking things to the next level. | ||
| Every time I go on stage, it's The Machine, Death Squad. | ||
| But Joey is the embodiment. | ||
| I was saying this to Brian. | ||
| Joey is like the thing you can't get. | ||
| You can't get it in your hometown. | ||
| So when it does come to your hometown, you're like, fuck. | ||
| That came out today? | ||
| I'll tell you what Joey is. | ||
| Joey's the party. | ||
| Joey's the party. | ||
| There's not a single special that I've done since 1999 that doesn't have Joey in it. | ||
| Joey always introduces me. | ||
| Joey always comes with me to the shows. | ||
| When I'm with Joey, I'm having fun. | ||
| He's the life of the party. | ||
| He is. | ||
| I'm so bummed out that my Canadian friends can't meet Joey, that we can't bring Joey to Canada. | ||
| But Joey can't get into Canada. | ||
| He's getting that fixed right now. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| He ain't going to Canada. | ||
| He told me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love the people. | |
| Dude, they ain't letting the dude who's in jail for armed kidnapping into Canada. | ||
| That's my favorite part of explaining Joey when a club booker goes, so what's he like? | ||
| And I go, he's hard to explain. | ||
| And they go, well, what is he doing before stand-up? | ||
| I was like, prison? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just, when you meet a guy like that, it's just, you know, you want to do everything you can to let other people know about it. | ||
| That's how I feel when I met Joey. | ||
| And I was like, this is such a rare gem of a human. | ||
| I gotta do everything I can to spread this guy's name. | ||
| I want to go on the road with you and Joey one weekend. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm doing the trip flip thing. | ||
| We start in like a couple weeks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so I'm going to cancel a bunch of dates. | ||
| But I still want to do stand-up. | ||
| I can't do a whole week. | ||
| So I'd love to fucking do like just one of your weekends. | ||
| Well, I do sometimes. | ||
| I'll do a stacked show. | ||
| Like I got a stacked show coming up in Vegas on August 31st. | ||
| We decided to have... | ||
| It's going to be Ari, Duncan, Joey, and me. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| So we're going to have a big-ass crazy fucking show at the Mandalay Bay. | ||
| I like doing them like that. | ||
| Sounds partially like a good show. | ||
| Yeah, this bitch can't let it go. | ||
| But to have a show like that, like a four-man killer show, four headliners, I think we'll start doing more of those. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| If you do one of those, let me know. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah, dude. | |
| You're in, man. | ||
| Look at my schedule and then let me know where you want to go. | ||
| I do that in a heartbeat. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I can't do a long weekend, but I can do a weekend with you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, let's do it. | ||
| Let's find a couple dates coming up and lock something in. | ||
| But, yeah, we're going all over the fucking place. | ||
| So, I got a lot of shit coming up in North Carolina. | ||
| I'm doing Raleigh and Asheville, North Carolina in September. | ||
| I'm doing Minneapolis in October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I got a bunch of dates coming up. | ||
| Sacramento. | ||
| I'm doing a theater up there. | ||
| I'm going to do the San Jose Improv. | ||
| There's a UFC in San Jose. | ||
| Oh, it's a beautiful place. | ||
| It's a fucking amazing place. | ||
| Houdini used to work there. | ||
| Yeah, it used to be... | ||
| If you're in San Jose and you don't go to that improv, you wouldn't even know as you drove by that unless you're a resident that knows the history of the building, but that's an old-time show building from silent movie days. | ||
| And it is unbelievably gorgeous. | ||
| It is a beautiful, beautiful club. | ||
| It's one of my favorite places to work. | ||
| San Jose is the shit, son. | ||
| We got a show Wednesday night at the Ice House. | ||
| That's tomorrow night. | ||
| That's going to be an insane show. | ||
| Tom Rhodes is one of my favorite human beings. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| The lineup, Brian. | ||
| We got Burt Kreischer. | ||
| Sam Tripoli. | ||
| Tom Rhodes. | ||
| Brody Stevens, Doug Benson, Dom Herrera. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And me. | ||
| I might have to take a car service there to party. | ||
| Come party, bro. | ||
| I'm going to party. | ||
| Take a car service and come party. | ||
| I'm going to take a car service and party. | ||
| IcehouseComedy.com Yeah, and that means if Brody, or rather if Bert does that, he'll also be on the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| Brody's going to be on it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Brody. | ||
| Brody, with Dom Herrera, with Tom Rhodes. | ||
| It's sure to be one of the best Ice House Chronicles of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
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They are. | |
| And if you want to get to Ice House Chronicles, it's one of my favorite podcasts that we do. | ||
| And it's on Brian's label, the Death Squad label. | ||
| What is Death Squad? | ||
| That sounds kind of meatheadish. | ||
| It's a nickname that Opie from Opie and Anthony gave me when I showed up at the studio. | ||
| We showed up. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| And Brian and Tate, Fletcher and Eddie Bravo. | ||
| And it's like, oh, Joe Rogan brought the Death Squad. | ||
| It became like a silly thing. | ||
| It's silly more than anything. | ||
| We don't think we're really killing anybody. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| It's fun when people go, what is this fucking Death Squad you're a part of? | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| I can't explain to you. | ||
| But on iTunes, if you go to the Death Squad label on iTunes, that's the only way to get Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| Go to DeathSquad.tv. | ||
| You can check that shit out there. | ||
| But we do regular shows at the Ice House. | ||
| So if you're in Pasadena, most likely, almost every week we're there. | ||
| It's a great fucking club. | ||
| It's a club that's been around since the 1960s. | ||
| And to us, Brian and I were just talking about this. | ||
| This is our lab. | ||
| It's like the greatest club ever. | ||
| It's the The best thing ever for being a comic. | ||
| We get to just fucking do shows every week at one of the best clubs. | ||
| I don't think I've done one of those shows even remotely sober. | ||
| The last show I did there was in the big room and I kept talking to the lights. | ||
| I thought there was a balcony. | ||
|
unidentified
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So for the whole show I kept talking to the balcony. | |
| And the kid in the front row goes, who the fuck are you talking to? | ||
| And I go, them. | ||
| And he goes, there's no second floor. | ||
| And I got out of the lights. | ||
| I went, wait, where the fuck is the second floor? | ||
| You thought you were at the laugh factory. | ||
| I thought there was a second fucking floor. | ||
| That was the funniest show. | ||
| So it is chaos. | ||
| That's when he got off the plane drunk. | ||
| Every show is the funniest show. | ||
| The last one we did was more fun than the ones we've done before. | ||
| And the conversations are fucking epic. | ||
| It's a real green room. | ||
| What the Ice House Chronicles are, we've been doing podcasts for a while, but to do a podcast and a show at the same time really is one of the most perfect combinations because everybody gets loosened up before they go on stage in the podcast studio. | ||
| So we're all... | ||
| Talking shit and having fun. | ||
| Taking whiskey shots before you go on stage. | ||
| I don't think I have done one of those shows without you pulling me aside and going, let's do a shot of Jack. | ||
| We do shots. | ||
| We're doing shots tomorrow too. | ||
| I just put one up yesterday, the Ice House Chronicles 40, and it has Tiffany Haddish in it. | ||
| This amazing new comic that I love her to death. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| And she does her secret talent of queasy. | ||
| Don't tell people. | ||
| She queefs to the beat. | ||
| But anyway, the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| That's going to be a blast tomorrow. | ||
| Always a good time. | ||
| Always a good time. | ||
| And available free. | ||
| All of it's free on iTunes as well as this podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| It's on Sirius Satellite Radio. | ||
| We thank them very much for putting it on the Opie and Anthony channel. | ||
| Opie and Anthony are our boys. | ||
| We love them and little Jimmy, so it's an honor to be on the same network as them. | ||
| But the bottom line is about this show is this show is always going to be free. | ||
| I mean, it's online. | ||
| It's going to remain like this. | ||
| I think the love that we've experienced from you guys is one of the coolest, most inspiring things that I've ever been a part of in my entire quote-unquote career in show business. | ||
| I think we figured out how to cut out all the middlemen, all the bullshit, all the producers, and allow people to have real fucking conversations. | ||
| Allow people who are listening to join in on a real conversation. | ||
| You know I'm not bullshitting you. | ||
| I might be wrong. | ||
| I fuck things up. | ||
| I get things wrong. | ||
| I confuse dates, but I will never lie. | ||
| I am not lying. | ||
| I will not. | ||
| If I tell you something, it's because I believe it. | ||
| If I tell you something on this podcast, it's because I've experienced it, or it's in my mind, or it's truly... | ||
| You're going to get my uncensored thoughts every single fucking time. | ||
| Don't lie! | ||
| Don't lie. | ||
| That was an old thing that Brian used to do all the time after videos. | ||
| Don't lie! | ||
| But it's true. | ||
| That's sort of our ethic, all of us together. | ||
| And it's an important way of looking at the world, man. | ||
| The more truthful you are with your own thoughts, and the more truthful you can be about your own thoughts to other people, the more we can all learn from each other. | ||
| Because if you're saying something like Bert Kreischer, you're an honest dude. | ||
| When you tell me something, I know that that is coming right from you. | ||
| I go, Bert Kreischer's an honest dude. | ||
| I can totally trust what he's saying right now. | ||
| This is a good conversation. | ||
| As soon as you can't, you're in a bullshit conversation. | ||
| As soon as you're talking, well, how's everything? | ||
| Have you been out to the lake this year? | ||
| As soon as you get into a bullshit conversation where you don't really care about what you're saying, you're just making noises with your mouth for social purposes. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And nobody's growing from that. | ||
| You're not growing from that shit that you have to do when you're in that fucking cubicle all day, talking on the phone, answering customer service calls. | ||
| You're not growing from that, goddammit. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You grow from either experiencing a real conversation through your headphones because you're tuning into this podcast, or you're having real conversations yourself. | ||
| You're having real conversations with your friends. | ||
| And don't keep anybody in your life where you can't have that. | ||
| If you can't have a real conversation with them, they are just going to be a goddamn roadblock. | ||
| Those people are walking landmines and you owe it to them to tell them the fucking truth. | ||
| Don't be that person yourself and if you run into one of those people, the only way they're going to change is they're going to feel like shit because people call them out on it and they're going to have to reassess their own situation. | ||
| That's the only way you improve people. | ||
| You got to tell the truth. | ||
| Don't hang out with cunts. | ||
| And then stop giving me shit for saying the things I do. | ||
| Stop giving you shit? | ||
| Ryan's talking to the fans! | ||
| What are they giving you shit about? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of brutal red band haters out there. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because they look at you and they go, I could do that. | ||
| But they can't do that. | ||
| Because they're not you. | ||
| So tell them to suck it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Say it. | ||
| Suck some Onnit down in your mouth, bitches. | ||
| Yeah, Onnit.com. | ||
| Way to turn that into an ad! | ||
| Thank you to Alienware MMA also. | ||
| We're at my house. | ||
| By the way, we do have a new studio that's going to be set up literally any day now. | ||
| We're waiting to get the green light to get in there and start the construction. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| It's going to be so delicious. | ||
| I'm going to put in a pool table. | ||
| I might put in an isolation tank if I could figure out a place to install a shower. | ||
| I think I have a place to install it. | ||
| I'm bringing this illegal wine. | ||
| Not illegal wine from the Death Squad Scotland guys gave me. | ||
| I'm bringing that tomorrow. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| It's called Buckfast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| You're drinking it first. | ||
| You're going to be the tester. | ||
| If anyone in Los Angeles wants a cat and they will take good care of it, let me know. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| You're going to find some crazy bitch. | ||
| Done with cats. | ||
| She's going to skin your cat and send you photos. | ||
| I can't do it anymore. | ||
| Instagrams. | ||
| What's your cat doing? | ||
| Pissing in your bed? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's just I have too many animals in such a small place and it's out of control. | ||
| You should have brought your dog over, man. | ||
| I called you to see if you wanted me to do it. | ||
| Bring your dog over Wednesday. | ||
| Bring your dog over Wednesday. | ||
| Are we coming here Wednesday? | ||
| Yeah, coming here Wednesday. | ||
| Joey Diaz tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The great Joey Coco motherfucking Diaz. | ||
| Probably three. | ||
| All right. | ||
| All right, ladies and gentlemen, if you use the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 10% off of any of the supplements at Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. And again, I discussed this before. | ||
| If you're interested in any of these things, I suggest you go to the Onnit website because it is very comprehensive. | ||
| It discusses all the science behind it. | ||
| I also suggest that you Google all this stuff and Google the word nootropics and the controversy behind it. | ||
| I have been a fan of them for years. | ||
| I take them on a regular basis. | ||
| I benefit from them. | ||
| That's why I sell them. | ||
| I firmly believe in it enough to the point where the first 30 pills, if you buy them, if you don't feel that they're satisfactory, you get 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| Nobody wants you to feel ripped off. | ||
| So I can't keep repeating myself, so I might have to record this eventually because it's getting ridiculous. | ||
| I try to keep these organic. | ||
| It was much more fun though, you're right, with the flashlight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keeping them organic when you're talking about kettlebells and being fucking manly. | |
| You gotta get some cannonballs and you learn how to do some Turkish get-ups and you need to get off the bicep curls and tricep extensions, you fruity bitch, because you're imbalancing your body and you're gonna get dick pains. | ||
| Alright, this podcast is over. | ||
| We thank you very much for tuning in, as always. | ||
| We thank you and, oh, Denver this weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| Brandon Walsh, Joey Diaz, and me. | ||
| That's a good show. | ||
| Yeah, at the Paramount. | ||
| It's a big-ass place, but last I heard, I think there's only a couple hundred tickets left. | ||
| Well, it's because it's a 100% amazing show. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, no partial. | ||
| So that's Denver this Friday. | ||
| If you're coming into the UFC in Denver, we're at the Paramount Theater. | ||
| If you go to my Twitter, I put up a link to it really recently, or just Google that shit. | ||
| You can figure it out, but don't go through a scalper, because they will fuck you. | ||
| That's creepy, man, when you start doing theaters. | ||
| Louis C.K.'s got it down right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because the scalpers, it's a weird thing when you go and you find your tickets for sale somewhere other than the official website, because it's sold out, and they're for sale for a fuckload of money. | ||
| Louis's got the business paradigm down. | ||
| I've got to copy him with everything he does except his hair. | ||
| Alright, this fucking show is a beautiful show. | ||
| I'm going to make fun of... | ||
| I had to say it, but look, I don't have any hair. | ||
| No, I'm going to shave... | ||
| It's more ridiculous. | ||
| I'm going to shave mine soon. | ||
| It's the greatest thing I've ever done. | ||
| I feel so free. | ||
| I feel so relaxed. | ||
| Like, I don't ever have to go to haircuts. | ||
| And by the way, hairdressers will fucking hold you hostage with those scissors. | ||
| And I was telling him, that's not how I operate. | ||
| Cut the fucking hair. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Remember people do that with joints? | ||
| We had a friend that used to do that with joints all the time. | ||
| It's Puff Puff Pass, not Puff Puff Puff. | ||
| Let me tell you a story. | ||
| This motherfucker said to me, and you're held hostage because he's got the reefer. | ||
| Dirty bitch. | ||
| Tomorrow night. | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
| Joe Diaz, cocksuckers. | ||
| Get him together. | ||
| Get him to come to the Ice House, too. | ||
| If we can. | ||
| I asked him, he can't. | ||
| He can't? | ||
| I'll text him. | ||
| He's a busy guy. | ||
| But he will come if he can. | ||
| He's there all the time. | ||
| But he'll be here on the podcast tomorrow. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Go to follow Burt Kreischer on Twitter. | ||
| B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. And follow Brian Redman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Burt. | |
| R-E-D-B-A-N on Twitter. | ||
| Holler at your boy. | ||
| We'll see you freaks tomorrow. |
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