Aug. 8, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:57:33
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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Hey everybody, the fuck is going on? | |
| Joe Diaz, what are you doing over there? | ||
| What's happening, baby? | ||
| What's up, baby? | ||
| The Joe Logan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| It's O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| I say this the same way every day. | ||
|
unidentified
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I know. | |
| There's really no way around that, you fucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Try it. | |
| Mix it up. | ||
| Just be like, I'm trying. | ||
| Hey, guys, go to Onnit.com. | ||
| Go to O-N-N-I-T. | ||
| Search around. | ||
| Yeah, use the code name Rogan. | ||
| Get yourself some fucking Alpha Brain. | ||
| Oh, I didn't take mine yet. | ||
| I gotta tell you. | ||
| It's over here. | ||
| Wouldn't you, like, remember to take yours if you're on Alphabet? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not if you have kids. | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| I'm constantly distracted. | ||
| It's great, but constantly distracting. | ||
| Your place is very... | ||
| Like, I'm playful. | ||
| Like, the whole atmosphere of your house has become what used to be devil's asshole to fucking Alice in Wonderland. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Devil's asshole, that's funny. | ||
| Well, I used to, especially when I lived by myself, I had all, like, crazy Asian art in my house. | ||
| It's like, most of my house is like... | ||
| Fucking piranhas. | ||
| I had piranhas for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
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I had piranhas for a while. | |
| In the fucking tank. | ||
| I'm up here Christmas. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, I forgot about that. | |
| Looking at piranhas eating shit. | ||
| Fucking pit bulls fighting on the 4th of July. | ||
| Grab him, Joe Diaz. | ||
| Stick a finger in his ass. | ||
| Blood on the shirt. | ||
| You know. | ||
| And all of a sudden, now you walk in. | ||
| It's fucking Disneyland. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
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I love it. | |
| Kids everywhere. | ||
| You're bumping into cars. | ||
| They're like, you want to make a car? | ||
| I mean, they're beautiful. | ||
| It's positive energy now. | ||
|
unidentified
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Where it used to be like rape me. | |
| Rape me now. | ||
| Well, listen, ladies and gentlemen, I've never claimed to be a balanced person. | ||
| Not by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| The first time I went to the other house, I'm like, oh, can I get some in my refrigerator? | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| There was old cold cuts in the bottom that hadn't been opened. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Well, when you lived by yourself, what the fuck was your place like? | ||
| Protein drinks. | ||
| This is when you didn't even think of a woman. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| You lived like Charles Bronson in Hard Times. | ||
| You had a house that you only used one room and a pool table. | ||
| Everything else was wide open, you know. | ||
| And it was fucking just a blender, protein powder, and that's it. | ||
| You're hungry? | ||
| I order food. | ||
| I'm hungry. | ||
| Next thing you know, eight pizzas are showing up. | ||
| One time he came in from the Smiggly Wiggly. | ||
|
unidentified
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Smiggly Wiggly. | |
| Ugly Wiggly. | ||
| There was so much food, Brian. | ||
| It was four of us. | ||
| He fucking catered this thing. | ||
| He's like, eat, guys. | ||
| There was trays of food. | ||
| It's so good, though. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Have you never been to Huggly Wugglies, Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been to Piggly Wigglies. | ||
| You've been there with me? | ||
| No? | ||
| Huggly Wugglies with you? | ||
| No. | ||
| Actually, I'm talking about Piggly Wiggly. | ||
| Huggly Wugglies is the barbecue place in Van Nuys. | ||
| Oh, no, I haven't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Down the block from the sleaziest fucking strip club. | |
| You get herpes at the door, dog. | ||
| Where I went with Phil Hartman. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Phil Hartman, man, the way he would look at pussy was like he was looking at a beautiful flower. | ||
| Like a girl had a beautiful flower that she was showing him. | ||
| And very childlike. | ||
| As if a young girl had a beautiful flower. | ||
| Like it wasn't even dirty. | ||
| The girl was like, she had her asshole on his face, and he had this big smile on his face. | ||
| He was high as fuck. | ||
| And I'll never forget that he's like, that is beautiful. | ||
| He goes, that is beautiful. | ||
| That is beautiful. | ||
| It was just so earnest and so, like, appreciative, and I swear it wasn't even remotely creepy. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| He was looking at this dirty stripper, and he was so high and so in tune that he was just being really nice to her about it. | ||
|
unidentified
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He was really happy, like, that's beautiful, that's beautiful. | |
| Like, he wasn't creepy at all. | ||
| It was like if you were a woman in a strip club and you met him in that situation, you would have a good... | ||
| That was an enjoyable conversation for her. | ||
| There wasn't anything creepy or dirty about it. | ||
| You would want to go out and buy some battle ropes after watching this and getting out of this commercial. | ||
| Are you trying to do this commercial soon? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's the way our commercials always work. | ||
| Our commercials always work like this. | ||
| Yesterday our commercial was 17 minutes long. | ||
| That's part of the show. | ||
| This is part of the show. | ||
|
unidentified
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People still get this. | |
| They still get it on iTunes. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so nice to have it on Sirius. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's on Sirius. | ||
| Most of it's on Sirius. | ||
| I've been listening to a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
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This part ain't. | |
| This part ain't, bitch! | ||
| You see, you iTunes people, you Ustream people, this is on you. | ||
| You know, I don't want to say who I was listening to because I found out that... | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. I don't want to say who I was listening to, but I found out my new car has Sirius Radio. | ||
| And so I've been listening to this one person. | ||
| I don't get Opie and Anthony. | ||
| So I've been listening to this other channel. | ||
| And I'm sitting there going, you know what? | ||
| What we produce is so much more entertaining, I think. | ||
| And like our friends, like Ari Shafir and Tom Segura, what they produce... | ||
| Duncan, say it. | ||
| Say it. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Say it. | ||
| No way. | ||
|
unidentified
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So, okay, Duncan even. | |
| But all the things that we produce are so much more entertaining than fucking... | ||
| To us. | ||
| To us. | ||
| Well, I don't know, man. | ||
| This is a very specific vibe. | ||
| It's really interesting to me what's going on with some of these radio shows is because it's just the same shit every fucking day and they're just... | ||
| It's like a soap opera of people screaming at each other. | ||
| Let's get through this commercial. | ||
| This is kind of a good thing to talk about. | ||
| I know exactly what you're saying. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Go to Onik.com and check out some shit. | ||
| What are alpha brain? | ||
| Alpha brain is a nootropic. | ||
| And what nootropics are is a very controversial field of vitamins and nutrients being able to enhance brain function. | ||
| There is some evidence. | ||
| There's a very detailed website on honor.com where it goes over all of the different scientific aspects of each individual ingredient. | ||
| Like I said, it is a controversial thing. | ||
| It gets a lot of people up in arms. | ||
| But I firmly believe in nutrition, and I firmly believe in supplementing nutrition. | ||
| And I know it's aided me, and I know AlphaBrain does. | ||
| Most certainly aids me. | ||
| I absolutely enjoy the effects. | ||
| It's not a placebo by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| And to make sure that people don't think it is, the way we have it set up is if you order 30 pills, you get a 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| You don't even have to return the product. | ||
| You just say, it sucked, give me my money back, it's over. | ||
| We just don't want anybody to feel ripped off. | ||
| So that's how we have it set up. | ||
| We also have Justin battle ropes and kettlebells. | ||
| We're starting to sell fitness equipment. | ||
| All the shit that I use. | ||
| All the shit that is really the kind of stuff that you see MMA fighters use. | ||
| Strength and conditioning videos. | ||
| Body weight. | ||
| Full body exercise. | ||
| Movements like clean and press and Hindu squats and chin-ups and things where you move your body around plus weight. | ||
| You know, these Turkish get-ups. | ||
| These things are amazing for your core strength. | ||
| It's just what kettle balls are, it's basically like a cannonball with a handle on it. | ||
| One of the coolest exercises is you just lying down on your back and standing up with that thing and then bringing it down to your back and then standing up with it again. | ||
| It is fucking hard. | ||
| Try doing that shit with a 70-pound kettlebell. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| To balance that bitch out, straighten your arm out. | ||
| You engage muscles in a way that you almost never do by traditional weightlifting. | ||
| It's really a weird type of working out, and I enjoy it. | ||
| It's my favorite strength and conditioning exercise as far as applicable strength for jiu-jitsu and for anything athletic. | ||
| Anything where you have to move things around when you have a body that's used to moving it around, itself around, plus weight in really awkward ways, you develop a very strong body. | ||
| And there's a lot of videos online. | ||
| We have summitonit.com. | ||
| We're going to produce some videos and take you guys through a really good strength and conditioning workout. | ||
| I think that would be a great thing for us to do, too. | ||
| Just so you can get a sense of, like, what kind of benefits you can get from it. | ||
| Especially if you see some of these, like, really fit dudes that are, you know, like these, like, Steve Maxwell-type dudes that have been doing it their whole lives that are in there. | ||
| Yeah, Maxwell, I think, is, like, close to 60. And he looks fucking phenomenal. | ||
| And he's a big advocate of kettlebells. | ||
| Battle ropes, what these are, you might have seen them, Brock Lesnar use them in one of the countdown shows. | ||
| They're these giant ropes that you would tie a ship down with. | ||
| They're like 40 feet long. | ||
| And they have these capped ends. | ||
| And you grab a hold of them and you whip these motherfuckers through the air. | ||
| And you can do these different... | ||
| Sequences of movements, like in sprints. | ||
| You do them for like sprints of 30 seconds, and then you relax for 20 seconds, and then sprints of 30 seconds, and holy fuck, is it brutal. | ||
| I mean, it is some old school caveman type shit throwing ropes around, man. | ||
| And when you throw ropes around, it's a real wild thing, man. | ||
| Everything's working kind of together, but it's all like one big unit. | ||
| Your whole body whipping these ropes, and they're all unbalanced and shit, and you're correcting for them all the time, and moving them, and whipping them left, and whipping them right. | ||
| It's fucking wild, man. | ||
| It burns you out quick! | ||
| Like, you would think, I could probably do that for half an hour. | ||
| The fuck you can. | ||
| The fuck you can. | ||
| 30 seconds into doing that shit, you want to die. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's a great workout. | ||
| So, go check all that shit out. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN. You get 10% off of any of the supplements, including Hemp Force, which just gets released today. | ||
| today the most fucking delicious hemp protein you've ever tasted in your life this is the top level shit it's all natural and it's even naturally sweet and it's sweetened with stevia raw cocoa and super nutritious this stuff is phenomenal for you and uh it's fucking expensive i'm gonna be honest with you um it's it's expensive to make it's expensive to get but it's the shit Well, it's because of the hemp. | ||
| The hemp farms, there's only like three farms in Canada. | ||
| Because our country's fucking retarded when it comes to certain plants, hemp is illegal. | ||
| Even though hemp is not psychoactive, you can't get high from it. | ||
| Hemp is illegal. | ||
| Well, hemp is a tremendous source of protein. | ||
| And even though we're allowed to buy hemp products in this country, like hemp protein, which we import from Canada, even though you're allowed to buy it, you can't grow it here. | ||
| So it's really stupid. | ||
| The farms have limited production, they can't keep up with the demand, and we can't do anything about it. | ||
| It's not like we just pay some American farmers to start growing hemp here and put people, put American workers, you know, to work. | ||
| That's like a Mitt Romney type thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| We need hemp farms, you fucking twats. | ||
| Anyway, go get some hemp for us. | ||
| It's fucking delicious. | ||
| It is really the best tasting hemp protein shit I've ever had. | ||
| It's hemp with this stevia to it, and it's really delicious. | ||
| Use the codename Rogan, and you can save 10% off if it's not as bad, but it ain't cheap. | ||
| But that's life, bitches. | ||
| Expensive shit is expensive. | ||
| Joey Diaz is here. | ||
| Tighten the fuck up. | ||
| Strap it down. | ||
| Joey's here. | ||
| Let's get the party started. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day! | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast by night! | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day! | |
| People behave. | ||
| People behave. | ||
| Mad Flavor is here. | ||
| What, baby? | ||
| What's going on, my brother? | ||
| I can't call it. | ||
| Getting ready for Denver this weekend. | ||
| Paramount motherfucking theater. | ||
| If you're in Cincinnati, go check out my man Duncan Trussell. | ||
| Duncan Trussell is going to be at Go Bananas in Cincinnati all weekend. | ||
| Have you never done Go Bananas? | ||
| That place is great. | ||
| That place is pretty cool. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I did that place back in the 90s, man. | ||
| I only did it once, but I enjoyed it. | ||
| It's a real old-school comedy club. | ||
| That place is shit. | ||
| Denver Paramount Theater this weekend. | ||
| Friday night. | ||
| UFC 1 motherfucking 50. This Friday, the best show is going to be Joey Diaz, Joe Rogan, and Brendan Walsh. | ||
| That's what we just said. | ||
| No, I was just reinforcing it. | ||
| Are you talking shit about Duncan again, goddammit? | ||
| Let it go, son. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, that's what you're doing by saying that's the best show to go see, not to go see the one in Cincinnati. | ||
| No, I was just reinforcing that your guys' show, in my opinion... | ||
| Is the best show in the fucking world. | ||
| I love all three of those comics and putting them together. | ||
| I love Brendan Walsh. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| We just did the Bone Zone last night and that is a fun thing for me to do. | ||
| It's fun doing the Bone Zone. | ||
| That's how awesome I think. | ||
| Who did it last night with you guys? | ||
| We just do it. | ||
| We don't ever have a guest really. | ||
| Just you and him and somebody else. | ||
| Randy Litke and Davey Johnson. | ||
| Yeah, they're very funny guys. | ||
| They're very smart guys too. | ||
| They have a cool sense of humor, you know. | ||
| Brent is a very funny stand-up too. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| I'm looking forward to this. | ||
| We're going to have a good fucking time. | ||
| Fuck yeah, I can't wait to eat some green chili and shit. | ||
| I love that stuff. | ||
| I love Denver. | ||
| I love all that stuff. | ||
| Does it feel weird to you going there right after the tragedy? | ||
| I haven't gone to see the movie yet because I don't want to sit there and go, this is what these poor ass people have seen or this is what they got scared. | ||
| I didn't even think of that angle. | ||
| I never thought about it like that. | ||
| The tragedy was a bad thing. | ||
| It was over four weeks ago. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| Something like that hitting close to home. | ||
| What do you, um, when you start, you know, seeing people that are trying to do, uh, copycat crimes now? | ||
| Like, didn't you say that someone got arrested? | ||
| Yeah, in Ohio. | ||
| In Ohio, somebody came up with, like, a knife, a gun, ammo. | ||
| Knife, fucking everything, hammers, this guy, you know. | ||
| There's crazy fucking people out there, gentlemen. | ||
| This is where the real cynical people, the really cynical, crazy conspiracy people, this is where they start thinking that the government is doing this. | ||
| And that they're doing this on purpose because they want to disarm Americans. | ||
| Because they know that everything's going to fall apart and they don't want people to have guns. | ||
| I mean, that sounds completely ridiculous, but if you were going to write a movie about how some super corrupt multinational corporations figure out a way to control the whole world, you'd probably write it like that. | ||
| You'd probably have everything wired and hooked up like that, right? | ||
| If you throw in the jab of Alex Jones, I am his witness. | ||
| In Houston at the UFC, he told me to my face that in two years, there was going to be TSA security at parks and movie theaters. | ||
| And I was right there when he told me that. | ||
| He told me that to my face, we're sitting outside of the UFC. And we're just talking about different things. | ||
| But you could say, what is it? | ||
| Is it just a natural thing that because there's a lot of crime, because there's a lot of despair, the economy's in the toilet, it's a natural thing that things pop off and crazy people do shit like this? | ||
| Or do you want to follow the conspiracy theory point where they think that they're doing this on purpose because they've engineered the collapse of the dollar, they know that the world economy is going to implode, and they don't want people to be armed? | ||
| They want to be able to maintain power. | ||
| I wasn't looking at it like that. | ||
| I'm a very cynical person. | ||
| I was looking at it as a business angle. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Fucking shoot somebody in a movie theater. | ||
| They got to put security in 2 million thousand movie theaters across the fucking country. | ||
| The next is parks, whatever. | ||
| But then I come to my senses. | ||
| senses I wake up and I put the joint down and I go that bad things happen every fucking day. | ||
| Yeah, but you know, that's... | ||
| They don't happen here, they happen in India, they happen somewhere. | ||
| That is, though, if you were a government and you were evil and you were trying to control the people, that is what you do. | ||
| You organize attacks. | ||
| And it's been pointed out before that the American public has tried to do this. | ||
| Excuse me, the government has tried to do this. | ||
| The Operation Northwoods was written where it was an idea that they were going to fake attacks on American civilians to get us to go to war with Cuba. | ||
| They were going to blow up a jetliner and say there was people in it. | ||
| They were going to arm Cuban friendlies to attack Guantanamo Bay. | ||
| That's like a real thing that they were going to do to try to get us into a war with Cuba. | ||
| So when you find out about conspiracies, like crazy things like that, where you're like, wow, like, they would fake shit? | ||
| Like, they're allowed to fake... | ||
| Like, when that came out, that should have been a huge piece of news. | ||
| That should have been something where, you know, everyone demanded there should be hearings on this. | ||
| It should be, like, brought out in front of the public. | ||
| People should be in the streets, like, screaming about this. | ||
| Like, how is this possible? | ||
| How were they not prosecuted? | ||
| they were really going to risk American lives and have Americans killed just to further their agenda. | ||
| They were going to fake an act of war in order to get us into war because they thought they knew better than us. | ||
| But was this just one dumb fuck that just did, like, hey, this is my idea, and they're like, all right, come on, stop. | ||
| Well, it was signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Is the Joint Chiefs of Staff, did they have a meth problem at the time and they got like new ones like the next day? | ||
| Brian, I think they used to rock it like that all the time. | ||
| That's why when, you know, these conspiracy nuts come out and they say, hey, we believe that this guy was brainwashed and someone got a hold of him and they did an experiment with him and he's like a Manchurian candidate. | ||
| It sounds fucking completely ridiculous. | ||
| It sounds completely ridiculous. | ||
| But... | ||
| If they were willing to do that other stuff, why wouldn't they be willing to do that? | ||
| If they really could do that? | ||
| Can you imagine if they figured out a way to reprogram people if it wasn't science fiction? | ||
| You don't think they would do it? | ||
| Of course they would do it! | ||
| If the government really did find some super sophisticated way where they could just say, pumpkin, to you, and you fucking snap and wire yourself up with grenades and run into a room full of important people and blow yourself up, you don't think they would do that? | ||
| Of course they would! | ||
| That's a great way to do it. | ||
| You get some idiot who's willing to do that for you and have him walk in and pull the trigger. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I haven't really focused on the Colorado thing as much because it's just fucking negative. | ||
| And anything that goes into my mind, my mind as a fucking criminal, I want to know what the fuck happened. | ||
| I want to know where the system went wrong. | ||
| Now, you've heard, I've been here before, and I told you about Colorado. | ||
| We both discussed Colorado. | ||
| I've lived in New York, California, I hang out with gangsters, and the craziest motherfuckers I know are in the mountains. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Now, let's just leave that. | ||
| You know, I've been reading bits and pieces like he was going to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, she alarmed somebody. | ||
| She warned somebody. | ||
| The psychotherapist? | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is what I heard. | ||
| Is this true or is this not true? | ||
| Who did she warn? | ||
| Who did she warn and why weren't these people? | ||
| Why wasn't this fucking lunatic contacted? | ||
| Then the other side of me says, I understand. | ||
| We can't react to every fucking call to police. | ||
| There's a guy up here waving a gun. | ||
| Is he hurting anybody? | ||
| No, we cannot respond to every call because of the budgets and whatever. | ||
| So who dropped this? | ||
| This is a kid that bought thousands of rounds of ammunition at a local fucking place. | ||
| The guns are all legit. | ||
| Like I told you, in Colorado, bro, you can buy a fucking bazooka. | ||
| Hey, Brian, does your dog eat cat shit? | ||
| Get her out of there. | ||
| She's in my fucking cat's litter box. | ||
| Get her, get her, get her. | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| No, she's out. | ||
| This is what fucks with me a little bit. | ||
| Shut that door, man. | ||
| This is what fucks with me. | ||
| Sorry, folks. | ||
| Sorry, folks. | ||
| This is a real show. | ||
| This is how it works. | ||
| This is what fucks with me. | ||
| Where did the system fail? | ||
| That this kid got fucking helmets and tear gas. | ||
| Where did the fucking system fail? | ||
| It failed somewhere. | ||
| And where did he get the money? | ||
| They said that the speculation was that he used his scholarship money. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know you could just use your scholarship money for other shit. | ||
| I thought you had to pay for school. | ||
| He would, true. | ||
| He would, true. | ||
| But when you get a scholarship, are you, like, responsible for that money? | ||
| Like, say if you got $20,000 for a scholarship, do you actually have to spend that money on the college? | ||
| Or could you, like, get a hold of it? | ||
| Well, my Gerber baby insurance that I got for myself when I was 17, I bought baby Gerber insurance. | ||
| No, but I guess the Gerber insurance... | ||
| I don't know what you did. | ||
| You apply for a college. | ||
| You get a grant. | ||
| You get a grant. | ||
| Financial aid, you got to pay back. | ||
| They'll give it to you. | ||
| Once you got one fucking loan going, they'll give you whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| They'll keep giving it to you. | ||
| Plus, I forget all the... | ||
| Pell Grant, you don't have to pay back. | ||
| That's a grant. | ||
| But all those loans, you got to pay back. | ||
| I'm going to tell you something. | ||
| You sign up for college. | ||
| Let's say your parents are not that well off. | ||
| You sign up for college, they cover the tuition, and you reach out and you can get all these grants available to you. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking money out there available to you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Especially for what he was going to school for. | ||
| You know, especially for what he was going to school for. | ||
| This kid was a genius, wasn't he? | ||
| Psycho fucking something. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| A doctor. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck he was going to school for. | ||
| They give you the loot. | ||
| They give you the loot, bro. | ||
| I was taking college money when I was going to the University of Colorado and buying cars with it. | ||
| Curbing them. | ||
| Like seeing like a Volkswagen for $800. | ||
| I'd sell it for $1,200. | ||
| That's what I was doing with my financial aid money. | ||
| what you do is you sign up for 18 credits and you get money for 18 credits but right before the school season starts you cut it down to 9 and you pocket that Gitas by the time they know what the fuck is going on and they send you a letter in the mail the Gitas is gone it's at the happy hour go deal with the bartender and the coke dealer that might be the greatest word ever Geetus. | ||
| Geetus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Geetus. | ||
| Geetus. | ||
| G-E-E-T-U-S. | ||
| Geetus. | ||
| See, I always thought it was geeturs. | ||
| Nah, geeturs is if you live in Florida and you hate alligators. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is geetus, cocksucker. | |
| I think I heard people call it geeturs, though. | ||
| Nah, that's on the South. | ||
| Gitas? | ||
| Gitas and shit. | ||
| That was, uh, my friend Johnny used that term. | ||
| Gitas. | ||
| Yeah, when he was talking about gambling money. | ||
| My God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gitas. | |
| Gotta get that Gitas. | ||
| Gotta get that Gitas. | ||
| I feel bad for what happened in Colorado. | ||
| It was a fucked up city. | ||
| But I want to know where he got... | ||
| I want to know how he learned to light the fucking smoke screen first. | ||
| Well, he was a genius. | ||
| He could have figured that out online. | ||
| I mean, do they teach you this shit online? | ||
| I'm scared to even fucking look. | ||
| You could figure out the plans to build a nuclear bomb online. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| I'm pretty positive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bet if you were smart enough, you had access to... | ||
| Wasn't there a kid who was trying to build a nuclear bomb in his backyard? | ||
| There's a million right now that are trying to do that. | ||
| But no, there was a kid who got arrested. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, it's in the news all the time. | ||
| He was building a nuclear bomb in his backyard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That sounds like horseshit. | ||
| I gotta hold on. | ||
| Nuclear bomb. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| So you can learn all this shit online, how to wire somebody's... | ||
| I mean, that thing he did at home, where he wired his house with bombs and fucking liquids and all that shit. | ||
| He learned that online. | ||
| That's what you guys are fucking trying to tell me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, this kid fucking... | ||
| This kid was some dangerous nut, man. | ||
| He tried to build a nuclear bomb in his mom's shed. | ||
| There was a kid who really did. | ||
| Yeah, but was he, I mean, like, try. | ||
| Did he think he was trying? | ||
| Like, was he using, like, real materials or was he using, like, Cheerios? | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| I see. | ||
| No, he was using real materials. | ||
| That's how they got him. | ||
| Apparently, they keep a very close eye on all the plutonium of the world. | ||
| You know, it's very hard to get. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plutonium. | |
| And we know whatever it is, whether it's plutonium or whatever it is that they use, that they need to make some sort of a nuclear weapon. | ||
| We know what that stuff is, supposedly. | ||
| And then we keep an eye on it. | ||
| But Jesus Christ. | ||
| Marty McFly can get it. | ||
| Anyone can get it. | ||
| If this fucking kid can make this shit in his yard, you know, I mean, what is he, that much smarter than everybody else? | ||
| The shit that fucked my world up was when the night I was watching Discovery and they showed you how to make speed on fucking Discovery. | ||
| They showed you how to make steroids, speed, and something else. | ||
| The steroid guys lived right here in Sherman Oaks or something. | ||
| that had like, you know, like outlawed things on their faces and they show how they cook them on the stove and stuff. | ||
| This is a crazy asshole. | ||
| They pulled him over. | ||
| This is the guy's name. | ||
| His name is David Hahn. | ||
| He was 17 years old. | ||
| The police pulled him over. | ||
| They found radioactive materials in the trunk of his car. | ||
| His mother's property was cleared up by the Environmental Protection Agency 10 months later as a super fun cleanup site. | ||
| This motherfucker, like really did, and he was like, he came really close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He made his own nuclear reactor. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| He attained his Eagle Scout rank in the Boy Scouts shortly after his reactor was dismantled. | ||
| The Boy Scouts still let him have an Eagle Scout. | ||
| I let him run the fucking party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not gay. | |
| I give him the scout troop, whatever the leader. | ||
| His name was David Hahn. | ||
| It says, while his reactor never reached critical mass, Hahn attracted the attention of local police who found radioactive materials. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Be careful with that chocolate bar, Joe. | ||
| So I guess he came really close. | ||
| Did you just eat that whole chocolate bar? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I was getting popular. | ||
| I just want to let you know, ladies and gentlemen, that's not just a regular chocolate bar Joey Diaz just participated in. | ||
| I know, that's the one that you said was the highest you've ever done a podcast. | ||
| It's the most ridiculous ever. | ||
| Was it Whammy Bar from L.A. Speedway? | ||
| It didn't, there's no, I didn't need to be talking. | ||
| There's no need for me to be talking. | ||
| I don't need to be talking. | ||
| I can just look and nod. | ||
| When you're that baked? | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| I just nod to death. | ||
| Well, we want you to talk. | ||
| Chocolate milk. | ||
| We don't want you to go into... | ||
| Big glass of water. | ||
| You know, the essentials. | ||
| We don't want you going into the chocolate hole. | ||
| Fucking great fights this week. | ||
| Thank you for the tickets. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Amazing fights. | ||
| In a long, long time. | ||
| And I think, I was thinking about it, I think they should do just as many LA fights as they do Vegas. | ||
| Because it's really the same shit. | ||
| The same people kind of miss and go. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it was fun. | ||
| It was positive. | ||
| The fights were fucking great. | ||
| Joe Lozon, Jesus Christ. | ||
| If I could come back and recycle myself, I'd come back as Joe Lozon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Seriously, I love that jujitsu shit like that. | ||
| Everything he did was awesome. | ||
| And Jamie Varner was awesome too, man. | ||
| That guy's made a huge comeback. | ||
| He just didn't have enough time to get into condition for this fight, I think. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Yeah, I think he took it on short notice. | ||
| It's a tough fight. | ||
| Joe Lozon is one of the best. | ||
| He's a dangerous kid. | ||
| He's got a lot of tools. | ||
| One thing I love about Joe Lozon is when they match him up. | ||
| Just by who, like if they match him up against somebody who's a great striker, the better the striker, I know Joe Lozon has a better chance of winning. | ||
| This is the craziest thing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because if you hit him and he gets on his back, he attacks you from his back. | ||
| He don't give a fuck. | ||
| He fucked up a couple people. | ||
| Let me get Melvin Gillard too. | ||
| Melvin keeps talking, saying that Joe Lozon got lucky, but let me tell you something. | ||
| When someone wants to punch you in the face, and they do punch you in the face, that's not luck. | ||
| That's what he wanted to do, and that's what he did. | ||
| There's no lucky punches. | ||
| To say it's a lucky punch is one of the craziest things people could ever say. | ||
| When you rush in like that, like he did with his face exposed, with a good fighter, a guy is going to snap off a jab on you. | ||
| I think he probably underestimated Lowe's on striking. | ||
| You know, his striking, Melvin's striking is so good and so fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's really good, yeah. | |
| He's so fast, man. | ||
| When you watch him put combinations together, you go, God damn! | ||
| His technique is clean. | ||
| He's got a lot of power in his hands. | ||
| And I think he's just got a little overconfident. | ||
| And Lozon is not to be fucked with. | ||
| 40 fights or something, isn't he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's had like 44 fights or something. | ||
| Lozon is a beast, dude. | ||
| That was an awesome fight. | ||
| He's smart. | ||
| That's the most dangerous thing about Joe Lozon, is he's smart. | ||
| And then I'm looking for... | ||
| And Anthony Pettis knocked Joe Lozon out in the first round of the fight. | ||
| And he hasn't fought since then. | ||
| I'm looking forward to seeing him fight again. | ||
| I think he got injured, though. | ||
| Pettis? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're trying to set something up with him and Cowboy Cerrone if Cerrone gets by Gallard. | ||
| Even if he doesn't get by Gallard, it'd still be a great fight. | ||
| And my man got hurt, Kaczek is out against Ellenberger. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a disc, a bulging disc. | ||
| People are always like, why are all these fighters getting injured? | ||
| Well, they're in the business of... | ||
| Their business is getting really good at fucking people up. | ||
| That's what they're doing. | ||
| So, and the only way to get really good at fucking people up is you gotta practice fucking people up all day. | ||
| And while you're practicing fucking people up, people get fucked up. | ||
| Did you fucking... | ||
| How happy were you? | ||
| I mean, it's impartial. | ||
| I was happy as fuck, and I gave him out of respect, Mike Swick. | ||
| I gave out Mike Swick out of respect, 7-1, motherfucking three bitches! | ||
| And I'll tell you what, before that, DeMarcus looked fantastic. | ||
| Yeah, DeMarcus always brings it. | ||
| He always brings it. | ||
| Yeah, he just caught him. | ||
| He caught him perfect, man. | ||
| When he caught that leg and dropped that right hand on him, man, it was perfect placement. | ||
| He did it so fast. | ||
| Like, DeMarcus just, he just went out with that first shot, and then Swick tagged him two more times before the ref got to him. | ||
| And the fucking Karate Kid in beta was a great fight. | ||
| Dude, Lyoto Machida is a scary guy. | ||
| You gotta get a hold of that guy. | ||
| And that's no picnic either. | ||
| He's got great wrestling and great use of his body. | ||
| He did a lot of sumo when he was a kid, which sounds silly, right? | ||
| But they're really good at throwing people off in certain directions and pushing forward and planting yourself. | ||
| He's got amazing tricks that he does inside with little leg trips and shit like that. | ||
| It'd be interesting to see him versus, look, if Henderson somehow or another beats Jon Jones, seeing him, Lyoto Machida versus Henderson, I would really like to see that fight. | ||
| That would be crazy. | ||
| I would love to see that fight because they're both kind of on the small side for light heavyweight. | ||
| Lyoto weighed 201. Henderson's usually somewhere around there. | ||
| Even when he fights at 205, he usually weighs around 200-ish. | ||
| You know, I think that would be an incredible fight. | ||
| Henderson Jones is going to be a crazy fight too, man. | ||
| If Henderson wins, he's like the greatest mixed martial arts fighter of all time, if you really look at it. | ||
| If you look at it, like, as far as accomplishments, the guy wins two different titles in Pride, in two different weight classes, and then he holds them at the same time. | ||
| Comes over to Strikeforce, wins a title in Strikeforce. | ||
| He has He's a knockout over heavyweights Like Fedor Emelianenko Guy knocked out Fedor You know what I mean Dan Henderson is a motherfucker dude That guy is a motherfucker You can never sleep on that guy Let's see if he figures out Jon Jones Let's see if he figures out anybody, man. | ||
| He's got that... | ||
| He's got that one weapon that's so retarded strong. | ||
| His right hand is so powerful. | ||
| And he has this crazy confidence in it. | ||
| And he takes an amazing shot. | ||
| He's so tough. | ||
| So he'll wade through some shit to get to you and clip you with that thing. | ||
| And just put the lights out, man. | ||
| He's dangerous, man. | ||
| He's fucking dangerous. | ||
| And I think he's more dangerous at 205 than he is at 185. I think especially as you get older, it's hard for a guy like that to cut all that weight. | ||
| You know, I think when he doesn't cut weight, he's one of the rare guys that can do it. | ||
| Fights effectively at 205. I think when he doesn't cut that weight, I think maybe he feels a little bit healthier. | ||
| Out of so many years of doing that shit, man, that's like one of the worst aspects of fighting is the weight cutting. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| It drives me nuts. | ||
| Because the sport is always supposed to be about being healthy. | ||
| It's supposed to be about your body being tuned in in the best possible way for combat. | ||
| But it's really not. | ||
| Because the 24 hours before you fight, you fuck it up. | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| You suck all the water out of it so you can fight in a lower weight class. | ||
| It's this weird fucking silly thing that's still around. | ||
| It shouldn't be a factor. | ||
| It should be... | ||
| Really, honestly, it is a part of the sport. | ||
| There's probably no getting rid of it at this point without some sort of a radical restructuring of the way people look at martial arts. | ||
| But I think that it's almost like it's not in the proper spirit of martial arts and competition. | ||
| I feel like... | ||
| I feel like you have to do it today if you're a professional because everyone's doing it. | ||
| And if you want to fight against guys your size, there's only one way to do that. | ||
| You're going to have to fight against the scale as well. | ||
| You're going to have to cut weight and you're going to have to go in because everybody else is doing it. | ||
| Otherwise, you're not going to win. | ||
| You're not going to beat a 190-pound guy if you really weigh 170. If he's just as skilled as you, that extra 20 pounds, even though it fucked his organs up and might I've almost shut his kidney down, and he had to get reinflated with IVs. | ||
| He's probably still going to beat you, because he's a bigger guy. | ||
| He's got more mass, especially if he can get you to the ground. | ||
| He'll have more strength. | ||
| He'll have more to push around. | ||
| And when they refuel themselves with IVs, they can do it pretty well with IVs, where in 24 hours, it's worth it for them. | ||
| But it's still bad for your body, and it's unfortunate, I think. | ||
| I hate the idea that those people have to do that. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
| It's part of the fucking game. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We gotta go to Starbucks and write jokes. | ||
| They gotta lose fucking weight. | ||
| I know, but wouldn't it be better if they all just fought their weight class? | ||
| I think a perfect utopia of mixed martial arts would be everybody fights in whatever the fuck they weigh. | ||
| And we find out what everybody weighs. | ||
| Just naturally. | ||
| This is what you weigh when you're in shape. | ||
| What do you weigh when you're like a... | ||
| Like when dog fighting shape. | ||
| When they used to fight dogs. | ||
| You know they used to weigh them in? | ||
| Do you know that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The really light ones, just the ones they want. | ||
| You know, like, see these big giant pitbulls that everybody has today? | ||
| These people have bred these things to make them really big and crazy. | ||
| But I had a friend who had, like, one of the really small game ones. | ||
| It was a crazy little animal, man. | ||
| It was a really small... | ||
| They don't even look like... | ||
| They're really small. | ||
| It was like 35 pounds, 38 pounds. | ||
| Do they make teacup pitbulls? | ||
| They do. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| No, barely. | ||
| Basically. | ||
| You can get a 20-pound... | ||
| There's some really small ones, but those little tiny ones are crazy. | ||
| They don't look like pit bulls. | ||
| We're used to seeing them with the really boxy, muscular heads and huge shoulders. | ||
| Those are the pit bulls you see on the streets. | ||
| They're amazing looking dogs. | ||
| Like the ones they used in Angel Heart to bite Mickey Rourke. | ||
| The two little fucking pitbulls in New Orleans. | ||
| Watch that movie. | ||
| Yeah, were they real little ones? | ||
| You'll look at them and go, oh, that's weird. | ||
| It was 87. Yeah. | ||
| So nobody really knew about the fucking pitbull. | ||
| We were still stuck on Doberman Benches and German Shepherds and Golden Retrievers. | ||
| Yeah, some people knew about it. | ||
| And when they made that movie, when they sent the mob guy to beat him up in that movie, the devil, whoever beats him up in Angel Heart, that's what he had, these little tiny pitbulls. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there was a movement for that. | ||
| Yeah, what was that movement? | ||
| Like three guys in Compton? | ||
| No, I think it was pretty legit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Make this motherfucker! | ||
| I wish I could remember this totally, but I haven't had pitballs in years, so I forgot all the propaganda. | ||
| American animal... | ||
| By the way, tonight we have an amazing show at the Ice House. | ||
| There's still some tickets left. | ||
| Yeah, how many are left? | ||
| I think there's like 40. Okay, if you've ever been there, the Ice House is like one of the best clubs in the world. | ||
| Isn't it, Joey? | ||
| How great is that fucking place? | ||
| Listen, I don't give a fuck if they did this show in a barn, you fucking momos. | ||
| It's Dom Herrera, Tom Rhodes, Joe Rogan, Doug Benson, and fucking Red Band. | ||
| $15. | ||
| Cancel what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| Tell your grandmother to suck your dick. | ||
| Call 626-577-1836 and get those tickets now. | ||
| I'm talking about Tom Rhodes, Joe Rogan, fucking Herrera, and Doug Benson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert Kreischer. | |
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Just those four. | ||
| It's like $50 and a blowjob to fucking get the fuck in. | ||
| So get your shit together, you fucking momos. | ||
| That's a great show at the Ice House. | ||
| That should be sold. | ||
| I'm in Orange County. | ||
| By the time I get back, I won't get back until about 11, 30, 12. I'm going to a sandwich place tonight in Orange County named Roscoe's. | ||
| It's a fucking sandwich. | ||
| You look excited about a sandwich. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at you. | |
| Love it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not excited about it as much as they do comedy at the sandwich place now. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And they serve beer. | ||
| They have beer and wine. | ||
| No booze. | ||
| But it's fucking sandwiches. | ||
| Like old school sandwiches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you go down there and you do fucking 30 minutes. | ||
| They give you a little dough. | ||
| A little pumpernickel. | ||
| And they get the fuck out of there. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But I like it. | ||
| They got like 90, 100 people. | ||
| And it's really fucking cool. | ||
| But on the way back, I'll stop up there. | ||
| I'll try to shoot the 101. It's fucking hot. | ||
| That's what it is, dawg. | ||
| This is brutal. | ||
| Thank God we're on a plane Friday, comp. | ||
| It's going to be a hundred and motherfucking ten on Friday. | ||
| It was a hundred and fourteen. | ||
| Or thirteen or something like that. | ||
| When? | ||
| On my way here. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Yeah, listen. | ||
| They said that this July was the hottest July ever. | ||
| In the country. | ||
| The whole country. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Okay, that's what I heard. | ||
| Yeah, ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know they did. | ||
| They talked about it in LA. I tweeted it today. | ||
| I retweeted it because it was ridiculous. | ||
| It's pretty bad when I have to leave my air conditioning on full blast at home just so my cats don't die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you do, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hot as fuck. | ||
| They're on the floor. | ||
| They haven't fucking moved. | ||
| No beds, no nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're on the floor getting that fucking cool wood. | ||
| Last night in my bedroom, I couldn't get it freezing. | ||
| It's usually freezing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was cold. | |
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| But it wasn't freezing last night. | ||
| It was cold enough for me to fall asleep. | ||
| But I got up to pee like at 4. I'm like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Usually I got the blanket on, a hooded sweatshirt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You too. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Fucking igloo. | ||
| But last night was it's tough. | ||
| It's been a hot fucking weekend. | ||
| And you didn't feel the earthquake last night either? | ||
| I was at Flappers. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And then when I was driving home, I seen all the cop cars. | ||
| And then when I came in, people were on Facebook. | ||
| There was an earthquake. | ||
| I don't feel that shit. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people called me a pussy because I felt it. | ||
| I was at the ice house and it was like a huge jolt and then like a sway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the whole building made like this crackly noise. | |
| And I'm like, okay, I'm getting the fuck out of here because this building's way like, you know, when's the last time this building's been checked? | ||
| Checked, you know? | ||
| If you look, they have those things already in the walls. | ||
| The retrofits? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the retrofits. | |
| They have 50. The outside of it, it's just retrofit, retrofit, retrofit, retrofit. | ||
| So I'm thinking, if there's ever an earthquake here, run the fuck out of this building. | ||
| It might collapse. | ||
| Yeah, it might collapse. | ||
| This building's not... | ||
| Whenever there's an earthquake and you have bricks, it's not that the bricks are going to fall apart, but they shift. | ||
| And then that shift, you hear that shit? | ||
| That is traumatizing. | ||
| That is traumatizing. | ||
| I lived in Hollywood. | ||
| I lived in a brick building. | ||
| I heard that a couple times. | ||
| People were calling me pussies and stuff. | ||
| Like on Twitter, me like, you're a fag pussy pussy. | ||
| And I'm like, alright, you could be in Malibu, which is a lot farther away from where I was to the earthquake. | ||
| And be like, oh yeah, I didn't feel anything, you pussy. | ||
| But that, what I felt last night, was fucking jolting. | ||
| You feel it? | ||
| I didn't feel it. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is earthquake stuff underneath me. | |
| This is earthquake weather. | ||
| It smells like an earthquake out there. | ||
| Yeah, it gets so hot. | ||
| It smells it the last two days. | ||
| I am only hoping that since nobody ever predicts things correctly, that because you're saying it's earthquake weather that you're wrong. | ||
| Well, it's because it's so hot. | ||
| It's so hot. | ||
| I'm telling you right now. | ||
| That's why the earthquake last night happened around 10 at night or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, it's too fucking hot. | ||
| Because the ground gets so fucking hot and then at night it gets cold and that, you know, shift. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's earthquake juice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you just make that up? | |
| No, no, that's not. | ||
| Like, if there's earthquake seasoning, that's what it's made of. | ||
| Like, hot and cold. | ||
| Neil deGrasse Tyson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I'm going to try to get that dude on the podcast. | ||
| Neil deGrasse Tyson, the scientist. | ||
| We're going back and forth. | ||
| Dude, get Mr. Wizard. | ||
| Mr. Wizard, who's that? | ||
| I would love that, dude. | ||
| Mr. Wizard's a real one? | ||
| We're going to get Dr. Steve, too, from the Opie and Anthony channel. | ||
| Guy's fascinating. | ||
| I listened to his show the other day on Sirius, and I found out why chocolate kills dogs. | ||
| It's the caffeine. | ||
| It's caffeine and chocolate. | ||
| Apparently, chocolate has caffeine in it. | ||
| And the caffeine and chocolate just jacks dog's bodies. | ||
| So don't give your dog Starbucks. | ||
| Or cat. | ||
| You can't give your cat chocolate either. | ||
| Yeah, that's good to know. | ||
| Avocados or something. | ||
| John Rollo told me, there's something else you can't give a cat. | ||
| You and John Rollo, most unlikely cat owners ever. | ||
| I guess me too. | ||
| I talk to John Rollo all the time about cats. | ||
| He's excited. | ||
| He's just got something else to do with cats. | ||
| He's got the billboards. | ||
| I'm going to go see him. | ||
| I'm going to go to Baltimore and see him. | ||
| I'm pretty excited. | ||
| Yeah, we haven't had a UFC in that area. | ||
| We haven't had like a Baltimore UFC. Baltimore's not doing so good, right? | ||
| You know, when I first got into comedy, one of the clubs that gave me work as an MC was a Baltimore club. | ||
| You remember the improv down there? | ||
| Did you ever do that? | ||
| No. | ||
| They had a good improv. | ||
| They had improv down in this kind of crazy area where there's like a lot of different clubs. | ||
| You know, it's like there's little patches of fun places in this world where people figure out how to do something right. | ||
| But there's something cool about when you go to a place and like all these different places all empty out into a common place, like a courtyard area. | ||
| As long as everybody can keep their shit together. | ||
| Baltimore, that's also, I think, wasn't it the same place where that dude got knocked unconscious and they fucking filmed it and they took his clothes off and made a video of it? | ||
| Wasn't that Baltimore show? | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| They shot the wire there. | ||
| They shot the wire, yeah. | ||
| Baltimore's a heavy-duty fucking city. | ||
| It's a heavy-duty fucking city. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got some wild shit there. | ||
| The stadium's great. | ||
| The stadium a couple times is great. | ||
| The government is going to want to disarm Baltimore. | ||
| Yeah, there's some crazy motherfuckers. | ||
| Baltimore, Philadelphia. | ||
| That's where you give those people guns, because they'll shoot anybody in Philadelphia. | ||
| Philadelphia was the only stadium that they had a fucking jail in the stadium, the football stadium. | ||
| Hey, did you see that? | ||
| That coach got, you know, my condolences to the guy from Philadelphia, the coach, Ryan, his son died. | ||
| He was on our fucking show a couple years ago, bro. | ||
| He was on our show? | ||
| That kid came to our show. | ||
| The kid who just died, the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, he came to our show and was talking to us in the back room in Atlantic City. | ||
| That was when the guy, Tim Sylvia, and what's his name, the coach from Iowa, and the farmer, they were all down there because somebody was fighting. | ||
| We were down there, IFL. We were down there to do a show. | ||
| That weekend when I got off stage, he came up to me all juiced up, the kid. | ||
| He's like, dog, whatever you need, we got you covered here. | ||
| My father's the coach of the fucking Eagles. | ||
| All I got to do is make a call, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So the other day when I saw that, I was like, wow, that kid, unless he has other kids, but that was, he had the shirt and the hat. | ||
| He was very, uh, so my condolences to the fucking, uh, I remember looking down in the crowd and Henzo Gracie was there laughing his ass off. | ||
| That's the place? | ||
| Yeah, at that place. | ||
| That was when the IFL, Henzo had something to do with the IFL. Me, you, Kate, a lot of us win. | ||
| Hari. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The IFL was an interesting idea. | ||
| The whole team thing, it's an individual sport. | ||
| The whole team thing really didn't work. | ||
| It's like stand-up. | ||
| It's just me. | ||
| You want a mic, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can't do teams of stand-up. | ||
| You come in and we tag team. | ||
| You say that, but we kind of do have a team. | ||
| We're the team death squad. | ||
| I mean, it really is a team. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, that's, it is a team. | ||
| You know, if we really think about it, all the people that we have in our inner circle that we consider death squad. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like a team, you know? | ||
| I mean, if anybody is... | ||
| In most cases, stand-up is not like that. | ||
| But with us, I think this is very much like a whole group of us. | ||
| We're all identified by our friends, you know? | ||
| Holla. | ||
| Holla, bitches. | ||
| So now we got Denver this week. | ||
| Denver and we got Vegas. | ||
| Frankie motherfucking Edgar against Henderson. | ||
| Donald Cerrone. | ||
| That's a good fucking card too, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That's a great card. | ||
| You know me, dog. | ||
| There's certain people you want in your life and there's certain people you don't want in your life. | ||
| I don't ever want a problem with Frankie Edgar. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great guy. | |
| I love Henderson. | ||
| I love both of them. | ||
| The fucking time when he grabs his leg and he throws that kick. | ||
| He jumps up and throws that kick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got ridiculous legs. | |
| He's got legs for like a 185 pounder. | ||
| And he's a 155 pound guy. | ||
| He's got weird legs. | ||
| He's just a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's a tough, tough kid, man. | ||
| He fights really good guys and it makes them look not so good. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He keeps doing it over and over again. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I also saw that fucking cut to my man Rory McDonald in Toronto. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| 30-something stitches that took him down to the fucking bone. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I want to see a rematch of Pettis and Benson Henderson, too. | ||
| Holy shit, that was a great fight. | ||
| And you know how much Henderson would get up for that rematch. | ||
| But this fight this weekend is going to be amazing, because I'll tell you what, that Edgar kid, Frankie Edgar, finds a way. | ||
| That motherfucker finds a way. | ||
| He's a little dog. | ||
| He's got a mind that is like, he don't like losing, you know? | ||
| And he comes back stronger. | ||
| He comes back stronger than ever. | ||
| He's such a unique guy. | ||
| He looks like a fucking Rain Man out there. | ||
| He dribbling. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck's Rain Man doing? | ||
| You want to giggle? | ||
| He'll light you the fuck up. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| I just watched him and Grey made it, the second one, the third one again the other day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta be able to keep that pace up too, man. | ||
| You gotta be able to keep pace with him. | ||
| He'll drag you into some deep fucking conditioning water. | ||
| That guy can do that for an hour and a half. | ||
| He's one of the best conditioned guys in the sport. | ||
| And one of the reasons for that is what we talked about earlier. | ||
| Frankie Edgar doesn't cut weight. | ||
| Doesn't cut weight, yeah. | ||
| That guy weighs 155 pounds. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it when he can win. | ||
| I love it when he can win. | ||
| But when he loses, and he loses because a guy's bigger than him, it makes you think, like, man, I wish you could do it at 155. I hope you could do it at 155, but, you know, maybe 145 is your weight loss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It sucks. | |
| If he goes to 145, that could be one of the greatest fights in MMA history, him against fucking Aldo. | ||
| I've said that since day one. | ||
| I'm pushing for it. | ||
| I love it at 145. In Vegas, something neutral. | ||
| Yeah, but you can't count him out, man. | ||
| You can't count him out. | ||
| No, no, no, never. | ||
| I don't count him out by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| He can win, man. | ||
| I don't want him in my future, in my past, him looking for you. | ||
| You don't need that in your fucking life, man. | ||
| I don't need that shit in my fucking life. | ||
| The fact that if I see him, and then I see him six months later, I look forward to seeing what's improved, what's gotten better. | ||
| Because it's gonna be better. | ||
| He's gonna be better. | ||
| He's gonna do something better. | ||
| He's gonna have some move that you didn't expect coming, some lead right hand that you didn't see coming. | ||
| He's gonna shift his weight a little bit differently. | ||
| He's gonna do something better. | ||
| He's gonna have a little bit more conditioning. | ||
| He's not like an asshole that takes time off and gets fat. | ||
| That's 40 years in their genes, those kids from downtown. | ||
| Of just scrapping. | ||
| Because the other half is the Guidos and all that stupidity. | ||
| But the other half, a lot of people don't know, is those kids have to go to like Brick Township, like where Mike Dolce went. | ||
| They gotta go to these schools and they group four schools. | ||
| Group four schools, you play black schools that are six for four. | ||
| And here's Frankie Edgar wrestling against these schools. | ||
| And they wrestle at weight categories, but it's the same thing. | ||
| If Frankie wrestled at 135, that guy that he wrestled against was a lot bigger than he was. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Wrestling was the most ridiculous. | ||
| In the summers, those guys from up north, the kids I grew up with, would go down south, and they walk all over that fucking shore. | ||
| And eventually those kids... | ||
| It's 40 years of torture that every summer they gotta fight somebody fucking bigger. | ||
| And they do it. | ||
| And there rides down there. | ||
| If you've ever been down there, there's a fight every fucking night. | ||
| And it always includes a Guido from up there against a regular guy from down there. | ||
| And the regular guy always takes him the fuck out. | ||
| Guido shows up with his buddies all juiced up. | ||
| Take off the shirt. | ||
| I've been training. | ||
| And those guys down the shore will light you the fuck up. | ||
| And he's one of those guys. | ||
| I said it to him all the time. | ||
| He used to light people up at Mr. Breakfast. | ||
| That's the hangout down there. | ||
| They all go down there with no shirts on and the gold. | ||
| They eat breakfast. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| How's my bicep? | ||
| These are guys that don't even work on their legs. | ||
| They don't even care. | ||
| They don't even care about their stomachs. | ||
| They don't care about their lats. | ||
| They just work on their biceps, their chest, and maybe a little trapezoid muscle. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| And they juice with no supervision. | ||
| Vinny, Vinny, come here. | ||
| Hold the fucking needle. | ||
| How much am I supposed to put in there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did he tell you? | ||
| Nah, just fill it up. | ||
| How big you want to get? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want fucking my arms to be fucking huge. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So shoot the whole fucking thing. | ||
| Nah, but what if I die? | ||
| Shoot it. | ||
| Shoot it. | ||
| We'll get more tomorrow. | ||
| That's how they are. | ||
| They don't read instructions. | ||
| They don't read nothing. | ||
| They don't know about... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Cycles? | ||
| No. | ||
| They don't know about cycles. | ||
| Vinny, how many of these do I eat? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| How many in there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
30? | |
| You gotta eat like 10 of them. | ||
| You got a headache? | ||
| You know, that's their mentality. | ||
| And they live and they snort blow and they fucking drink and whatever. | ||
| They don't have no... | ||
| You know, we talk about medications and supervisions and shit. | ||
| Those kids in Jersey don't give a fuck about... | ||
| Well, you know, in other countries, you could just buy steroids over the counter. | ||
| In, like, South America, there's a lot of places where you could just buy steroids. | ||
| Mexico! | ||
| Don't these kids go down there and fucking buy D-ball? | ||
| Mexico, yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's not even South America. | ||
| That's North America. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's 65 miles, my friend. | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Red Band. | ||
| 120 miles. | ||
| And we got fucking Jews. | ||
| What's crazy is that right here on that border, you got all this military. | ||
| You got the Air Force Base. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What is it down there? | ||
| The Marines? | ||
| The Marines. | ||
| The Navy's down there. | ||
| Because the Navy. | ||
| Myanmar, right? | ||
| It's amazing down there. | ||
| There's a lot of military down there. | ||
| But they don't give a fuck. | ||
| They could put the whole military down there. | ||
| These Mexicans will dig a tunnel. | ||
| Yeah, but think about that. | ||
| But think about it. | ||
| There's all this military and then surrounding all that military, you know what it is? | ||
| Some of the richest people on Earth. | ||
| Those people that live on that island, Coronado Island, those are some incredibly wealthy people. | ||
| Donald Rumsfeld lives on that island, bro. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| Wrap your head around that. | ||
| So this is like super... | ||
| He probably lives in like 10 different houses all over the world with all the money he's gotten. | ||
| But this one area, you go on like... | ||
| If you like Google real estate, like La Jolla, like look in La Jolla. | ||
| La Jolla is amazing. | ||
| Fucking incredible. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| The most spectacular houses. | ||
| Multi, multi, multi-million dollar houses. | ||
| 20 minutes away from Tijuana. | ||
| It's hell. | ||
| 20 minutes away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell, hell, hell. | |
| And that's not an exaggeration at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell. | |
| You can get in your car and you can literally drive for 20 minutes from San Diego. | ||
| It's crazy beautiful, though. | ||
| I mean, have you been down there like on those islands? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love San Diego, man. | ||
| I love San Diego. | ||
| Let's get to the crazy beautiful San Diego on the Mexico side. | ||
| As soon as you cross into Mexico, guys, right there, that's fucking scary. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It goes from the 5 to dirt roads. | ||
| Well, it goes from, there's an immediate lack of a feeling of a net, okay? | ||
| Because there's a net when you're walking around San Diego. | ||
| There's a net of society and civilization and culture. | ||
| And like the biggest... | ||
| And trust people more. | ||
| Like military base there to protect you. | ||
| I mean, you don't have the police when you live there. | ||
| You have like one of the biggest military bases protecting you while you're there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's safe still to live there. | ||
| In San Diego. | ||
| No, I know, for sure. | ||
| But what I'm saying is that when you walk through to Tijuana, there's this feeling like the net's been removed. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Like, all of a sudden, I'm seeing all these beggars and all this weirdness on the street and all these people. | ||
| What do you want, Joey? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| Are you looking? | ||
| You have your ass right in front of my face, bro. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| It's just that when you do cross that border, it's a very bizarre feeling that you're only 20 minutes away from the place where all of the law doesn't apply. | ||
| All of it is gone. | ||
| It's all gone. | ||
| And now you have to live with this rinky-dink set of laws from this other country. | ||
| And, you know, you might run into a cop who says that you were speeding and you just got to give him money because that's how they roll down there. | ||
| And who knows how many fucking people are involved in doing illegal shit and moving drugs around. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| 20 minutes away. | ||
| I mean, it's way scarier than the ghettos in America, isn't it? | ||
| Wouldn't you say the Tijuana is scarier than the ghettos? | ||
| Well, fuck, because there's no... | ||
| Listen, the ghettos, the cops are always five minutes away. | ||
| But one thing, though, I know tons of people that go to Tijuana all the time. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| I don't know anybody that goes to, like, Harlem all the time. | ||
| You really know tons of people who go to Tijuana all the time? | ||
| Yes, that go there all the time. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what. | ||
| Anthony Bourdain went recently on his show, and I really enjoyed that show. | ||
| It was cool because he met with a lot of cool Mexicans that live in Tijuana that were sort of giving him the real deal on how everything went down there and took him to a bunch of different bars. | ||
| And it didn't seem to me to be as dangerous as I thought it was or as dangerous as everybody always publicizes it. | ||
| But you've got to realize that it could get that way at any moment. | ||
| You're partying in a country where shit is just way different. | ||
| It's just way different. | ||
| And you can get lucky and do it a thousand times in a row, or you can get unlucky and you be there when some drug lord's trying to make a point. | ||
| Like some dude's trying to move product and someone's trying to block him, so he decides to light his fucking nightclub on fire. | ||
| They do shit like that. | ||
| Like in Tijuana, not in Tijuana, in Cancun, there was a... | ||
| They sell coke on the beach. | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| They sell coke on the beach. | ||
| Weed, coke, heroin. | ||
| Are you talking about sandals, Tijuana? | ||
| No, they come up to you and sell your fucking blow on the beach. | ||
| Well, you know what's been decriminalized? | ||
| Everything's been decriminalized in Mexico, which is really weird. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You can get acid in Mexico. | ||
| I am scared. | ||
| By the way, it doesn't mean it's legal. | ||
| It's not legal. | ||
| It's decriminalized. | ||
| Yeah, and that's the difference. | ||
| You know why that is? | ||
| You know why that is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| So when you do get caught with it, you gotta pay out the ass. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Ah, it's not legal, my friend, but... | ||
| Maybe if you had a couple extra thousand on you, maybe... | ||
| Is that what they're saying? | ||
| We could... | ||
| We could work something out, my friend. | ||
| Yeah, they don't want violence. | ||
| They want to keep this business going. | ||
| And it should be an understanding that I just got to give you a little bribery. | ||
| Yeah, I would be down with that if I thought it was safe. | ||
| I love every aspect of copping in my day. | ||
| I used to go to Harlem. | ||
| I'd go at four in the morning. | ||
| I like dark buildings. | ||
| I like all that shit. | ||
| I ain't going to Mexico. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not. | |
| I don't need drugs that fucking bad. | ||
| That's a complete different realm. | ||
| That's a complete different realm. | ||
| You could go down there. | ||
| I know people have gone in and gotten beat the fuck up. | ||
| Okay, right here. | ||
| Tijuana. | ||
| We've gotten beaten the fuck up. | ||
| We have a friend from the comedy store. | ||
| We have a friend. | ||
| That's gotten beaten up one time. | ||
| A friend who makes mistakes. | ||
| At a hooker house down there. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He went down and he got beat the fuck up. | ||
| Don't beat you. | ||
| You want to get beat up in Tijuana? | ||
| We have a friend who went there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does his friend look like? | |
| You want to get beat up in fucking Tijuana? | ||
| Is he Asian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Well, one of those idiots, yeah. | ||
| They were on that run. | ||
| You know, I don't want to go. | ||
| I never went down there for drugs and I was a fucking junkie. | ||
| I think that it's over a border and a thousand bad things could happen to you. | ||
| Yeah, you could fuck up. | ||
| A thousand bad things could happen to you. | ||
| I know Anthony Bourdain walked around for a day surrounded by white people with cameras. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's a big difference in you and me walking around. | ||
| And all we need is one Mexican to say, hey, ain't that the dude from Factor de Fiel? | ||
| And all of a sudden they come over, hey, follow us to a party. | ||
| And we're doomed. | ||
| And then you're kidnapped. | ||
| And you're kidnapped. | ||
| So, you know, I mean, you're the one that turned me on to Phoenix. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| Kidnapping capital. | ||
| What do you think that comes into Phoenix from down there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And in Phoenix, the whole deal with Phoenix is it's all about drugs. | ||
| That's what they believe. | ||
| It's about rival drug dealers, people kidnapping each other. | ||
| There's more kidnappings in Phoenix than there is in any other state. | ||
| Any other. | ||
| All those border towns. | ||
| Laredo. | ||
| They fucking light shit on fire in Laredo constantly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| El Paso, you gotta be careful. | ||
| People from Mexico shoot at the American side sometimes too, which is really crazy. | ||
| People report that their building got hit by a bullet from Mexico. | ||
| I know people who have gotten down there to get Valiant and Oxycontin and shit like that. | ||
| I've never dealt with them, but I know they've gotten down there. | ||
| But I know millions of people go down there for the juice. | ||
| Now, let me ask you something about the juice in Mexico. | ||
| Is this Mexican juice? | ||
| Or is this still the juice that you get here and they just sell it over the counter in Mexico? | ||
| That's the question I want to know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Like, is it the deck of the roblin when I go to Germany, that I get in Germany, that you shoot it? | ||
| That you get from the doctor? | ||
| Yeah, the doctor! | ||
| They want to make you very large shoulders. | ||
| Is it the same D-ball? | ||
| You're not worried about your health. | ||
| That's what I'm worried about. | ||
| If you go to fucking Mexico and buy 60 D-balls, are they D-ball or are they D-ball plus? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've never bought any pharmaceuticals while in Mexico. | ||
| Oh, so you've been down there? | ||
| Yeah, I've been to Mexico. | ||
| I've been to Cancun. | ||
| I've been to... | ||
| Where else have I been? | ||
| I've been to Tijuana, but only very briefly. | ||
| Have you been to Cabo? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm one other place in Mexico. | ||
| I only go to Cabo. | ||
| I heard that was... | ||
| Oh, I went to where Chichen Itza is. | ||
| I went to see the ruins in Chichen Itza. | ||
| So that was in Mexico, too. | ||
| But this was before Mexico had so much problems. | ||
| Yeah, back then, I did an MTV Spring Break thing from Cancun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| When I was on Fear Factor. | ||
| Do you have that on tape somewhere? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was just like, here's this band. | ||
| Here comes this band. | ||
| You wearing a wine shirt? | ||
| I don't wonder what I was wearing. | ||
| I might have went shirtless because I'm so swole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| You did a Sandler. | ||
| I don't think I did, though. | ||
| I don't think I went shirtless. | ||
| If I did, how dare I? We're outside. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It was fun, but I didn't know who any of the bands were. | ||
| Even back then, I still was in the dark. | ||
| I still went with all the new bands. | ||
| It's so hard to reach me. | ||
| If you were trying to sell me some shit, I don't listen to the radio. | ||
| Do you ever listen to Ben Folds? | ||
| I want to know if you would like Ben Folds. | ||
| I wonder if you would like Ben Folds. | ||
| I'm so far behind. | ||
| You've got to think that every year a new couple of bands come along. | ||
| And if they're good, they stick around. | ||
| And there's no way you can keep in track with all of them. | ||
| If someone, a great song will be playing, I'll go, who is this fucking band? | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| What's this song? | ||
| And then someone will tell me. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| I've never heard of them. | ||
| They have the number one album in the country. | ||
| They've been the number one band for two years. | ||
| And I'm like, wow. | ||
| I missed their whole... | ||
| I'm completely out of the loop. | ||
| This guy named Ben Folds, he used to be in a band called Ben Folds 5. And then he left the band. | ||
| And he has this CD that he lives in Australia now. | ||
| And he has kids and family. | ||
| And he moved there. | ||
| And now he released an album that he played every single instrument on the CD and then combined them into one. | ||
| And it is some of the best music-wise. | ||
| What kind of music is it? | ||
| It's just jammy, a lot of pianos. | ||
| It's jammy. | ||
| If I play you a song, you'll be like, oh, I've heard this before. | ||
| He does a song like, Rock in the Suburbs, you know, and shit like that. | ||
| I bet I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| But I would love to see if you got into that, or if you hated it, kind of like a Grateful Dead kind of thing. | ||
| I never hated the Dead, I just couldn't get into it. | ||
| To me, it was almost like I was out of tune with it. | ||
| I couldn't get, I don't know. | ||
| They say you have to get into it. | ||
| Here's the way that Dead is to me. | ||
| I like Working Man's Dead. | ||
| I like On the Mountain, Fire on the Mountain, a couple songs. | ||
| I went to see them with Santana and Public Enemy. | ||
| I don't fuck around at Red Rocks, but their whole repertoire is so much. | ||
| It's the fans that always startled me, Doug. | ||
| I lived in Boulder. | ||
| They pull up with a bus. | ||
| They haven't showered in a fucking six months. | ||
| You know, they're following this band. | ||
| You're looking at them. | ||
| Are they really dirty? | ||
| Are they hippies? | ||
| Half of them are trust funders hiding it. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, oh, fuck corporations. | ||
| But meanwhile, that's how they're living off dad's fucking credit card. | ||
| Sneaking showers. | ||
| Meanwhile, they drive a Beamer, but they hide it around the corner. | ||
| Oh yeah, Boulder's very unique. | ||
| A lot of kids get to Boulder and they're anti-fucking corporation, anti-money. | ||
| Meanwhile, your dad owns fucking Pepsi. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Get it together, you dumb little fuck, before I smack you. | ||
| There's a lot of that rebelling from their successful father as well. | ||
| Fuck him! | ||
| But meanwhile, you got an Audi and you haven't worked the whole time. | ||
| And you're buying big bags of weed. | ||
| So cut it out. | ||
| There's a weird balance between your parents being successful and your parents being a good parent. | ||
| Because if the parent is really successful, they probably have to work a lot. | ||
| And if they work all the time, constantly, they're probably not going to be around as much, so they're not going to be as good of a father. | ||
| And if you're going to dedicate more time to your work than you are to your kids, your kids are probably going to grow up to fucking resent you. | ||
| And that's what happens. | ||
| You get a lot of these trust fund, liberal... | ||
| He was there for me. | ||
| He never went to Nenheim Ballet. | ||
| Check your balance on your account. | ||
| What's in the fucking account? | ||
| Did you ever need anything? | ||
| No, then shut the fuck up, cocksucker. | ||
| I have a friend that I grew up with, and every time he had three beers, my father never went to none of my football games. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Look at the nice sneakers you had. | ||
| You had a fucking 300ZX in fucking high school, your first car, and you're still bitching about your fucking parents? | ||
| You know, they can't do everything, bro. | ||
| You cannot be the perfect parent. | ||
| You cannot. | ||
| All you could do is fucking try. | ||
| Because somebody's not going to be happy with your fucking job. | ||
| I would hope that you could teach your children to not think like that. | ||
| I would hope that you'd be able to teach your children to not blame your parents for every little aspect of your life. | ||
| It would be nice if your parents, everybody's parents, were around a little bit more, but... | ||
| What is that sound? | ||
| You guys hear some sound? | ||
| I think it's Joey Diaz's phone. | ||
| Is that your phone, Joey? | ||
| I think, but I had it off. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Which one of my bitches is calling me and shit. | ||
| Who is calling me? | ||
| Was it a phone call? | ||
| Because it was like muffled in the distance. | ||
| It was confusing the shit out of me. | ||
| I got a text from Joey Diaz the other day. | ||
| I did too. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Joey Diaz is texting. | ||
| I'm at the movie theater. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'll tell you what happened. | ||
| That's what you're going to do. | ||
| You're going to start tweeting like that. | ||
| Like a stripper. | ||
| Went to Ralph's. | ||
| OMG, it's packed in here. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is what happens. | ||
| When you call this number, right? | ||
| Let's say you call me. | ||
| Sometimes I'm in my pocket. | ||
| It's in your pocket. | ||
| So when I go in, there's a thing on the bottom that slides up and it gives you all these excuses to press. | ||
| So when people call you, so I don't know what I'm pressing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So sometimes people call me back and go, dog, I called you, you sent me back, you went through, where'd you go see? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| You just text me, you were at the cinema. | ||
| You think Joey Diaz says I'm at the cinema? | ||
| I would say I'm at the movies, cocksucker. | ||
| Call me later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cinema. | |
| The cinema, yes. | ||
| Right or wrong? | ||
| That's the one I always press, is fucking cinema. | ||
| Like, there's a bunch of them, I'll show it to you. | ||
| So people keep thinking, oh, Joey, text me, he's texting. | ||
| Don't get too fucking done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so funny. | |
| Don't get carried away, cocksuckers. | ||
| Well, you actually sent me a real text. | ||
| Yeah, you know who taught me? | ||
| Fucking, I had to ask the kid's daughter to teach me how to text on my phone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She's five. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| She's fucking five. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know how to text on it. | ||
| Kid took the thing from me. | ||
| She goes, who do you want to text? | ||
| She went through the whole thing. | ||
| She hit applications, went through the fucking messaging. | ||
| What kind of phone do you have there, Joey? | ||
| What is that, an Android phone? | ||
| Galaxy 4, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| How old is that one? | ||
| Six months? | ||
| Six months. | ||
| It's crazy how much phones are progressing, how quick. | ||
| They get that Galaxy S3 that just came out, and my friend Matt has it. | ||
| I was fucking around with it the other day. | ||
| It's amazing, man. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| First of all, it's fast as shit. | ||
| Like, it's really smooth. | ||
| When you go back and forth between the menus, and when you open things up, the speed of it is really fast. | ||
| The pictures are beautiful. | ||
| The video is beautiful. | ||
| The screen is fucking beautiful. | ||
| It's huge, man. | ||
| You start watching videos on it or watching anything on the internet on it. | ||
| It's nice to have Flash, too. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
| Interesting to see. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| They have some badass fucking phones now. | ||
| Flash can eat my asshole. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| Flash is getting worse and worse and worse. | ||
| It's gotten to the point now where my computer, and I found out this does it on Alienware, this does it on every computer that uses Flash, where it will load up a Flash movie, and then your whole computer just kind of freezes for like a second, and then it kind of catches back up. | ||
| That's Flash! | ||
| If you look at your computer CPU monitor and then you do that, you'll notice it goes up to 100% from like 10%. | ||
| How is a dual core, whatever, triple core, fast top of the line computer like that? | ||
| It can't handle a fucking flash? | ||
| I don't know enough about computing to say if that's right. | ||
| Eat AIDS. I don't think you can eat AIDS. I think if someone could give you a bowl of AIDS, you could be fine. | ||
| So let's put Flash on your fucking phone. | ||
| I don't think AIDS goes in that way. | ||
| A bowl of AIDS. How long is this? | ||
| Could you just scoop up a bowl of AIDS? What do you think? | ||
| What color would it be? | ||
| I'd say yellow. | ||
| A bowl of yellow AIDS. Why don't we enjoy and let Flash onto our phone? | ||
| That seems like a good idea. | ||
| Why don't you just change the subject like everybody else? | ||
| Go with the flow, you fuck. | ||
| This Flash thing. | ||
| He's obsessed with it. | ||
| But what's Flash? | ||
| It's just a program that you run on Android phones that you can't run on Apple iPhones. | ||
| It's essentially web animation. | ||
| It looks like little videos. | ||
| YouTube used to use it, but a lot of what they use now is HTML5, and they also have it directly for the iPhone. | ||
| So anytime you click on a YouTube video, you have a YouTube application that opens up, so it recognizes most new videos pretty quickly. | ||
| It's like, hey, my phone also has a floppy disk and the iPhone doesn't, so... | ||
| Well, yeah, I definitely think that it works really seamlessly on the iPhone. | ||
| Like when I go to YouTube videos and shit like that, it works pretty fucking smooth. | ||
| And it would have to be... | ||
| I would have to be really impressed with how well it worked on the Droid to think about switching over just because of that. | ||
| I tell you, the hottest thing... | ||
| Hottest thing in Mac technology... | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| The hottest thing right now I think is cool... | ||
| is the new operating system. | ||
| The new operating system, new Mac OS, has screen sharing on it, So you can just hit this button. | ||
| And any TV that has Apple TV, it sends your monitor to the TV now. | ||
| So if you want to work on a 70-inch resolution screen on your laptop or whatever, you just hit this button and it will flip it to your TV. So I'm sitting there watching YouTube or doing websites and watching videos on my big TV. Yeah. | ||
| All of our brains are going to break. | ||
| The integration, the technological integration, it's just getting too crazy. | ||
| It's getting nuttier and nuttier. | ||
| Joe Rogan, I got to give you something. | ||
| I forgot I got a video for you. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| Pink Floyd. | ||
| Live at Pompeii. | ||
| Echoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| They fucking go out in that arena in Pompeii. | ||
| Put it on real quick. | ||
| Tell me what it is again. | ||
| Pink Floyd live at Pompeii. | ||
| Just put echoes. | ||
| Pink Floyd echoes and they'll say live at Pompeii. | ||
| And click it up and fast forward the video to like... | ||
| Two minutes. | ||
| Pink Floyd Echoes Part 1? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Live at Pompeii. | ||
| Oh, Live at Pompeii. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Now, who the fuck went to Pompeii? | ||
| Anybody even know what Pompeii is? | ||
| Live at Pompeii. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Part 1. Is it in Pompano? | ||
| No, it isn't in Pompano. | ||
| And how far do I go in? | ||
| Go in like two minutes into the video. | ||
| Well, I can't do it. | ||
| This is... | ||
| It also has a... | ||
| I can go to you to stream and shut this off. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| It's got what? | ||
| I gotta go to Ustream and shut off the volume. | ||
| You gotta see the, and I seen this movie as a kid on acid, and the other night somebody sent it to me, and I went to YouTube, and I had to watch it three times in a row. | ||
| Okay, where do I tune into it? | ||
| Go two minutes into it. | ||
| Like, let it set, and then just watch these motherfuckers. | ||
| I mean, this is... | ||
| It's some Greek statues. | ||
| Oh yeah, this is, they're out there, dog. | ||
| If you had a fucking time machine... | ||
| This is really cool, bro. | ||
| If you had a time machine, what culture would you go back and watch? | ||
| With the Greeks. | ||
| The Greeks? | ||
| Why's that? | ||
| How fucking cool was it? | ||
| They had that Colosseum where Bruce Lee fought just so many fucking things. | ||
| I think that's Rome, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rome? | |
| Whatever. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| The Romans, the Corinthians. | ||
| I'm confused, dog. | ||
| Who's the Corinthians? | ||
| They're the wasps. | ||
| That's who they became. | ||
| The Romans became the Italians. | ||
| The Corinthians? | ||
| Who'd the Corinthians become? | ||
| Yeah, white people. | ||
| Wasp. | ||
| Is it French? | ||
| No, they're the ones Jesus talked to first. | ||
| Remember Jesus told the Corinthians? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought they were fucking white people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Like Anglos. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've rejected all my teachings of my youth. | ||
| Let me have some of your parents. | ||
| But he's... | ||
| Yeah, this is a weird thing. | ||
| Why are they in Pompeii? | ||
| They're doing a live album. | ||
| Just give it a minute. | ||
| Listen to this fucking music, though. | ||
| They're like on a steaming island. | ||
| Oh my god, it's amazing. | ||
| Pictures of Greek gods. | ||
| I would pick ancient Egypt. | ||
| I would pick Egypt over Greece. | ||
| But I think Greece would be pretty dope too. | ||
| But I would like to, right when the pyramids were being built, I would love to have gone to see what the fuck they were living like. | ||
| They keep finding shit. | ||
| They keep pushing back the date of civilization later and later and later. | ||
| They found tools recently and proof that civilization is at least 20,000 years older than they thought it was. | ||
| That's a big jump. | ||
| 20,000 years is a big goddamn jump. | ||
| And they're still finding stuff all the time. | ||
| Who knows how much stuff is still buried in Turkey. | ||
| Turkey is where they found Troy. | ||
| Turkey is where they found Gobekli Tepe. | ||
| Turkey's where they found that statue in The Exorcist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's right. | |
| The two dogs are fighting out in the fucking wilderness. | ||
| Bro, you watch that again. | ||
| I'm telling you, I always talk about it because it's such a well-made movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| When he's in Arabia or in Africa, because that's in Africa. | ||
| That's where the devil lives. | ||
| The devil lives in Africa? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How do you know? | ||
| Because, bro, everybody lives in Africa. | ||
| All that shit started in Africa, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It all started. | ||
| This whole party started in Africa. | ||
| If you look back, look at it. | ||
| It all started in fucking Africa. | ||
| Brian, where's your dog, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You shut that door so she can't eat cat shit? | |
| Okay. | ||
| I just want to make sure she doesn't eat cat shit. | ||
| Because that's rude. | ||
| It's grass. | ||
| Oh, there was another thing they found recently, man. | ||
| I wanted to talk about this. | ||
| They found evidence that a mass amount of people were killed in London in the 1500s by a volcano. | ||
|
unidentified
|
London volcano deaths. | |
| I was in the middle. | ||
| I was running out the door when I read this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And, um... | |
| I didn't get a chance to really look at it, like, deep in there. | ||
| But this is, apparently, it's a recent discovery. | ||
| And what they've decided is that, um... | ||
| They found thousands of skeletons in mass graves in London's East End. | ||
| And they believe that many were victims of a 13th century volcanic eruption. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They found, um... | ||
| Wow, this is amazing, man. | ||
| The skeletons were uncovered next to... | ||
| Wow, this is a weird word. | ||
| Spitalfields? | ||
| Spitalfields? | ||
| Spitalfields Market. | ||
| When the new... | ||
| New Spittle Square. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What kind of a name is that? | ||
| New Spittle Square? | ||
| Um, development was started 20 years ago. | ||
| So I guess they started digging and they found this shit. | ||
| And now a 10-year ecological investigation by the Museum of London has discovered that the likely cause to be volcano, which led to world temperatures cooling down and crops failing, resulting in a mass starvation. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| 10,500 skeletons dating from the 12th to the 16th century were uncovered by the archaeologists, including mass burial pits that had scientists baffled because the radiocarbon dating didn't match known events in medieval England like the Black Death or the Great Famine. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| This is 1258. There was a colossal volcano in 1258. Wow! | ||
| This is amazing, man. | ||
| So this is a new discovery that such a massive global natural disaster has been identified in a small area of East London. | ||
| That's incredible, man. | ||
| That is amazing shit. | ||
| Yeah, we don't know too much. | ||
| You know? | ||
| When they really talk about history, like what we really know about the past, man, we don't really know that much. | ||
| We don't know dick. | ||
| We just make a fucking assumption. | ||
| We dig, we dig, we dig. | ||
| And every other week we come up with a new fucking assumption. | ||
| It's amazing how much we're finding. | ||
| And that fucking tape of Mars either. | ||
| That looks kinky to me too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't think that's real? | |
| Nah, it's fine. | ||
| And who gives a fuck? | ||
| You're gonna go to Mars now? | ||
| Now $14 billion with all the shit we got going on in this fucking country? | ||
| Mars for what? | ||
| Who gives a fuck about Mars? | ||
| I'm sitting there going, this is Fugazi, this fucking tape. | ||
| They made this in Burbank. | ||
| Well, this is what I think. | ||
| I think, first of all, yeah, they did go, and it's awesome. | ||
| And when you spend money on scientific innovation for space travel, you're dealing with the cream of the crop of people that are trying to figure out how to manipulate space and matter and transport things and how to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, you're dealing with the most... | |
| The most knowledgeable scientists on Earth strive to be- Then how come they get gas for $2? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Joey, come on. | ||
| I mean, I'm serious, but this is what I'm saying to you. | ||
| You're being silly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, but I'm just talking from the- It does all this shit! | |
| I know, but what's it got to do with the fucking price of eggs? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got fucking AIDS, we got diseases, we got fat kids running around. | |
| What the fuck do I give a fuck if a thing lands in Mars? | ||
| That doesn't mean- Definitely we should pay attention to those things. | ||
| It doesn't mean we shouldn't go and explore the universe. | ||
| I know, but little by little, we're fucking dying here, dawg. | ||
| This country's fucking dying. | ||
| We got time. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what goes on at Mars. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what goes on in London either in 1529. I'm from the church of what's happening now, motherfucker. | ||
| If you care about that shit, you got too much fucking time on your hands, guy. | ||
| Fucking Mars! | ||
| What they got to do? | ||
| We got houses shutting the fuck down. | ||
| You got billions of dollars to go to Mars? | ||
| I don't give a fuck about Mars. | ||
| Why don't you get this excited about the wars? | ||
| Because that costs a thousand times more than going to Mars. | ||
| Bro, I don't get excited about none of that shit because it doesn't have to... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| They've been fighting for 10 years and I'm still paying $5 for fucking gas, guy. | ||
| The money we're spending on the war is a billion. | ||
| Billions! | ||
| Billions and billions of dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Garbage! | |
| Every fucking year! | ||
| So now we got to spend more fucking money on going to Mars? | ||
| It's bad enough for fucking Afghanistan! | ||
| That Mars thing is a positive thing. | ||
| The Mars thing, they're going to get innovation out of this project that's going to aid them in everything else. | ||
| It's going to eventually lead to, who knows what kind of space travel eventually we're going to have. | ||
| We're never going to go and I'm never going to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So who gives a fuck? | |
| It got nothing to do with us. | ||
| That's what the problem with us is. | ||
| We care about shit that got nothing to fucking do with us. | ||
| This is why I care about it, because it's cool as fuck. | ||
| When that thing lands on Mars and starts taking pictures and sending it through the sky, and I see a room full of people who've worked on nothing but this for years, and they're cheering. | ||
| I think it's fucking awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The only time I cheer, I guess when somebody scores, and I pick up an envelope, it's a fucking... | |
| Alright, you're going to jump up and down because somebody landed in Mars. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Like a bunch of fucking geeks that they were with blue shirts on and shit. | ||
| Jumping up and fucking down. | ||
| But Joey, that's their art. | ||
| That's what NASA is. | ||
| NASA is all the geeks of the world put together. | ||
| And I appreciate travel. | ||
| You know, ten years ago we hung out for years and you would talk about the moon landing was fake. | ||
| Now all of a sudden you're happy about fucking Mars, guy. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Are they all connected? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sick and tired of Martians, vampires, and all this waste of thought that goes out every day. | |
| It's waste of thought. | ||
| We got bigger things to fry. | ||
| Gas is $5 a tank. | ||
| We got this Milt Romney guy who's a fucking commie cocksucker wasp. | ||
| Fuck from Idaho or Utah, wherever the fuck he's from, against Obama. | ||
| The only thing that's going on good day is his wife because she's making fat kids get fucking skinny. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| We don't even have a president. | ||
| We don't even have somebody to vote for the next four years. | ||
| And we're worried about fucking Mars Joe Rogan. | ||
| Really? | ||
| About fucking what happened in England in 1529? | ||
| We need to fucking know what's going to happen in the next three years. | ||
| You know what, dog? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I'm about to have a baby. | ||
| And I'm fucking scared. | ||
| Because what is he going to have in 40 years? | ||
| What are we going to have? | ||
| We're going to be getting fucked in the ass by Arabs. | ||
| By a bunch of white people. | ||
| We landed on Mars! | ||
| Go see if the Arabs are jumping up and down. | ||
| They're fucking going, wait till we get those wipes. | ||
| If they get excited like that about landing on Mars, wait till they sniff this Arab asshole as they're sucking my dick. | ||
| Does my daughter have to learn Spanish? | ||
| Or does she have to learn fucking Arab in the next 20 fucking years? | ||
| That's what I'm worried about, dog. | ||
| Does my kid have to go to school with 80 fucking foreigners? | ||
| That's what I worry about. | ||
| So fuck Mars, bro. | ||
| I don't want to hear about fucking Mars and a bunch of fucking waspy fucked with glasses jumping up and down because we landed on Mars. | ||
| There's a fucking mortgages upside down in this country. | ||
| Fucking people are homeless. | ||
| I understand that, Joey, but are you going to stop doing stand-up? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm not going to stop doing nothing. | ||
| So why would they stop putting that rover on Mars? | ||
| But what's Mars got to do with the price of eggs? | ||
| Joey, that's what they do. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| I know that, but what's it got to do with the price of eggs? | ||
| Their art is creating something Their art is creating something that can fly through fuckin' space for a year. | ||
| That's great! | ||
| Land on your fuckin' time! | ||
| When I go to the hockey and they pay me, these motherfuckers are using my money to go to fuckin' Mars. | ||
| They take a half of your fuckin' check and they take half of my fuckin' check to go to Mars, motherfucker? | ||
| Do you get angry when they take that money and they go to war? | ||
| I don't even think about it, but war is something that... | ||
| There's a lot more of that. | ||
| Well, war, we need war! | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| How much money do we make by going to Mars? | ||
| What are we going to put on Mars? | ||
| What are we going to put on Mars? | ||
| How are we going to make? | ||
| How are we going to pick up an envelope? | ||
| There ain't a Jew that's happy right now about what's going on in Mars. | ||
| This podcast is sponsored by ear doctors all across America. | ||
| The conspiracy is... | ||
| Fuck that shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Black helicopters have hired Joey Diaz to make people blow their eardrums out! | |
| That pisses me the fuck off! | ||
| It's a conspiracy! | ||
| We have so many things going on in this country. | ||
| Schools are closing. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| He's immoral! | ||
| Inhuman bastards! | ||
| And we gotta go to fucking Mars to give a fuck? | ||
| Joey, I support your hubris on this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| And listen, bro, I don't mind. | ||
| We gotta send three Puerto Ricans over there to stab an Arab. | ||
| That's what needs to be done. | ||
| They're gonna blow up a fucking building. | ||
| Or three black guys to stab an Arab. | ||
| That's what needs to be done. | ||
| War is money. | ||
| The fucking bottom line, the square root of war, guy, is Gidus. | ||
| And we've all known that. | ||
| Gidus. | ||
| That's the square root of money. | ||
| I don't see any Gidus, and that's going to Mars, except taking a bunch of rich people and charging them to take them to Mars is a cool trick. | ||
| Well, let me explain to you. | ||
| Every fucking drone that's flying in Pakistan and taking out Al-Qaeda, if you believe in that shit, Bill's a master. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| By scientists. | ||
| Beautiful! | ||
| And I'm with them! | ||
| If you want to argue about keeping people safe, the best way to keep people safe, look, I'm not saying that I advocate drones because a fuckload of civilians have died from the use of drone attack, but if they eventually get that shit wired to the point where they can kill everybody they want to kill, that's where, it's the scientists that are involved in making that shit are the same scientists that are involved in making all sorts of different spacecrafts and aircrafts. | ||
| And I love them that they're making the spacecraft. | ||
| It's technology, man. | ||
| You want to kill somebody, I want to see the bullet that I don't need a gun for. | ||
| I just got to go like this, and it hits you and your head blows up. | ||
| I appreciate the scientists, but not right now, billions of dollars to go to fucking Mars. | ||
| Joey, that is a tiny fraction of what our military budget is. | ||
| It's a tiny faction. | ||
| But the military is fighting for our freedom. | ||
| What does Mars have to do with us? | ||
| Is a Martian going to come back to Vegas? | ||
| Joey, that's a crazy thing to say. | ||
| The military is fighting for our freedom? | ||
| Is that why we're in countries that have absolutely nothing to do with us? | ||
| Is that why we invaded them? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy talk. | |
| There's two sides to that fucking flag, brother. | ||
| You know we're good and we're bad. | ||
| We've got to kill some motherfuckers. | ||
| You've got to break a fucking few omelets to fucking make an omelet. | ||
| You've got to break some eggs to make a few omelets. | ||
| Whatever they're doing, it's a lot better than fucking they're selling drugs. | ||
| The CIA sells coke. | ||
| At least they're making money. | ||
| Mars ain't got nothing to do with it. | ||
| Here's the big thing, Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mars ain't got nothing to do with it. | |
| Every time they send something to Mars or do these missions, they're also doing hundreds of experiments. | ||
| And these experiments are experiments that we can't do down on Earth. | ||
| And a lot of these experiments lead to other things that do help us out, like cures for cancer and fucking time travel. | ||
| Well, let's get the cue of the fucking gas to be $1.50. | ||
| It's going to come a point in time, if we follow the path that we're on right now, where we might not be living on this fucking planet anymore, where human beings might pollute this motherfucker to the point where we're going to want to escape. | ||
| And what they're going to do is they're going to send shit to Mars to terraform, just like they did in the movie Aliens. | ||
| And they're going to put a fucking fake atmosphere on Mars, and that's going to be a little escape colony. | ||
| Can I ask you a question? | ||
| What you got to do with us? | ||
| You'll be dead. | ||
| I'll be dead. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You'll be fucking dead. | ||
| You know what has to do with it? | ||
| I'm alive right now. | ||
| And when something lands on Mars, I get geeked out. | ||
| I want to see that shit. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I get creeped out looking at the photos. | ||
| I'm like, that land, has that ever been seen before? | ||
| Has there been people that have walked on that? | ||
| Looks like fucking Arizona. | ||
| Well, you know, it does look like Arizona, but you know, there's a real theory that's a fascinating theory that Mars used to inhabit life and that it used to have an atmosphere, but it was hit by an asteroid. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why they want to keep sending things there and get their tests, because if it was a planet that supported life like ours, but then it was hit by an asteroid, we realize that we've had mass extinctions on this planet, at least two of them that were caused by asteroids. | ||
| You know, hundreds of millions of years ago and then 65 million years ago. | ||
| They know that there's been some just doozies that have landed. | ||
| But it's possible that one could land that just kills the whole thing. | ||
| And that's a wrap. | ||
| Let me ask you something, bro. | ||
| What's that dog to do with you? | ||
| Can you sell an asteroid? | ||
| Can you bring an asteroid to a check, cash, and send a dog? | ||
| I'm here to get my fucking money! | ||
| Fucking asteroid! | ||
| Who are you going to vote for this year? | ||
| I mean, I don't want to... | ||
| Do you feel I'm going to write in Doug Stanhope? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was thinking of doing. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to write in Doug Stanhope. | ||
| I mean, do you see what's going on in this country? | ||
| Do you see what's going on in this country, Joe Rogan? | ||
| You're a fucking intelligent guy. | ||
| I'm a fucking momo, and I know that both of them are bums. | ||
| You're an intelligent guy. | ||
| You just looked me at my face and told me, you're not confident about anybody who's running for press in this country. | ||
| You and another fucking... | ||
| A million people feel that way. | ||
| Well, this is the real problem. | ||
| We feel that way. | ||
| They're gonna have to restructure this whole fucking thing. | ||
| The way this thing works now, first of all, getting people to office is absolute horseshit. | ||
| This whole electoral college, that might have worked when there was a hundred fucking farmers out there in the middle of Pennsylvania and that's it. | ||
| That shit is not gonna fly anymore. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| The electoral college is ridiculous. | ||
| It should be one person, one vote. | ||
| One adult, one vote. | ||
| You should be able to vote online, you fucks. | ||
| It should be real simple. | ||
| You should be able to register with a personal ID number, like your credit card information. | ||
| There should be some steps that you have to go to to authenticate Authenticate. | ||
| Authenticate your identity. | ||
| And then as soon as they authenticate you, as soon as they get you and they identify you, then you should be able to vote. | ||
| It shouldn't be some crazy electoral college and you have to go to some place and register and it's difficult to get in line to vote. | ||
| You've got to wait and get off work and you're, well, I'm going to go vote, so I've got to leave now and beat the rush. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| They're still sending me shit. | ||
| I've had a felony since 1987 and they're still fucking up sending me shit to vote, though. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Every year. | ||
| And they send me jury duty. | ||
| I gotta go down there for every fucking month and fucking argue with those people, though. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| They send me jury duty. | ||
| I go, did you do a background check? | ||
| Yes, we did. | ||
| You're eligible for jury duty. | ||
| Can you believe I had to pay an attorney? | ||
| You're eligible for jury duty? | ||
| Bro, can you fucking 19 felonies and I'm eligible for fucking jury duty? | ||
| You had to pay an attorney to get you out of that? | ||
| Well, I had to lie because I had to tell him I had a movie. | ||
| I was going somewhere else. | ||
| So you got to do what you got to do. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry about that. | |
| That chocolate bar fucked me up. | ||
| It's alright, man. | ||
| I know what you're doing. | ||
| You're just having fun. | ||
| Nah, nah, nah. | ||
| Have you watched the Olympics? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| We talked about that. | ||
| I watched these little men fly through the air barefoot. | ||
| I watched a little wrestling. | ||
| I can't watch the basketball. | ||
| I watched the gymnastics a little bit. | ||
| It's interesting when it's happening. | ||
| What I like about the Olympics is that it becomes sort of a national festivity. | ||
| Everybody's rooting for us and excited. | ||
| Apparently the boxing team had the worst showing ever. | ||
| The boxing team didn't medal at all. | ||
| It was really fucked up. | ||
| It's like the first time ever. | ||
| Because everybody's doing MMA. Nobody's boxing no more. | ||
| I wonder if that's what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| People said, fuck it. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I ain't doing it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I bet you're right. | ||
| But I was watching wrestling today when I was at the Y. Wrestling was on this afternoon. | ||
| So I didn't really understand what was going on. | ||
| Now, what happened with the judo Cuban guy? | ||
| He hit the ref or something? | ||
| A Cuban guy? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| A Taekwondo guy kicked the ref in the face. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw this basketball game where somebody just, like, he seriously just ran into the guy and pretty much almost punched the guy's ball out of him. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of people getting fucking uptight. | ||
| I mean, you think about the pressure involved in being in the Olympics. | ||
| You represent your whole country and flying through the air. | ||
| Whoop, whoop, whoop. | ||
| I'm just trying to land perfect. | ||
| And that all your life has been built up for this moment. | ||
| To practice all for this one moment. | ||
| Just hurling yourself through the air. | ||
| Flipping. | ||
| It's gotta be a great fucking feeling. | ||
| It's gotta be insane. | ||
| It's gotta be a great feeling to win a medal. | ||
| It's just gotta be a great feeling to just be able to go to the Olympics. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| And just to win a silver. | ||
| Whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Do you think you could drop Michael Phelps off in the middle of the ocean and he would find a way to get to the shore? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long do you think it would take that guy to drown? | ||
| Three days. | ||
| Seven days? | ||
| Seven days? | ||
| I think he could do two days. | ||
| No. | ||
| Two days of swimming? | ||
| He's a super athlete, man. | ||
| He's a super athlete, and it's salt water. | ||
| The ocean's got a little buoyancy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine if you get dropped off, okay? | ||
| To your right in one mile is an island. | ||
| To your left in 2,000 miles is the shore. | ||
| And where do you go? | ||
| Do you go left? | ||
| Do you go right? | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| You're like, fuck, I don't know which way to go. | ||
| But you don't know where the island is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't know. | |
| You're in the middle, all you see. | ||
| You could get in a spot in the water where all you see is water. | ||
| And could you imagine that decision? | ||
| Go left or go right? | ||
| How do you trust your instincts? | ||
| How do you not second guess yourself? | ||
| Do you tune yourself into true north? | ||
| How do you know where the fucking land is? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That build the shit. | ||
| And they tell them that you have... | ||
| And they have systems. | ||
| Like, there's people that have done it and have failed and gone back. | ||
| And these guys are like the people who come over and help you. | ||
| Like, this is what you got to do. | ||
| You got to go down. | ||
| You got to leave it when the tide is high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you just don't get in the fucking ocean and swim. | ||
| They have, like, a whole process. | ||
| You have to go in the tide is high. | ||
| Isn't that a Blondie song? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When the tide is high and I'm gonna walk in a... | |
| I want to be your number one. | ||
| Number one. | ||
| So think about that. | ||
| That's why when you always said to me that Nick Diaz swims to whatever the fuck, Alcatraz, I got to tell you, that's one of the roughest waters. | ||
| That's one of the coldest waters. | ||
| One of the most shark-infested waters because you could be in a pool and it's 60 degrees, right? | ||
| But once you jump in the fucking ocean... | ||
| I don't know how cold the ocean is. | ||
| Dirty, maybe? | ||
| It's cold as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't fucking know. | |
| It's not dirty because then it would be ice. | ||
| But I know that it fucking makes you slow down. | ||
| It does something to your joints and to your muscles. | ||
| It contracts your lungs, too. | ||
| When you get in cold water, it's really hard to breathe. | ||
| You know that dude who's a WWE star, The Miz? | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| I think he was on Real World or something like that, one of those shows. | ||
| But then he was a pro wrestler, and he came on Fear Factor once. | ||
| And I'm telling you, man, we had a lot of people on Fear Factor, but this motherfucker was the most fit guy we ever had on Fear Factor, period. | ||
| Like, no doubt. | ||
| He would do, like, hundreds of those bodyweight squats, and he was a wrestler. | ||
| And, like, the dude was, like, in serious, serious condition. | ||
| In cold water. | ||
| It was fucking freezing out in cold water. | ||
| This motherfucker jumped into a tank and did all this shit and moved all this for 2 minutes and 20 seconds. | ||
| Everybody else had to go up for air and go back down, go up for air and go back down. | ||
| This dude just went, just jumped in and did the whole fuck while it was freezing cold water. | ||
| That dude never smoked the joy of his life. | ||
| He's eating wheatgrass and running hills. | ||
| Let me tell you something, when I drowned at the Y that time, that's how I almost drowned because that's what got me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Down at the Y. What happened? | ||
| Well, fucking seven years ago. | ||
| I saw the longest yard, bro. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never told this. | |
| I fucking tell the bit on stage. | ||
| That's a true story, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You never told me? | |
| You never told me. | ||
| You know, when I was embarrassed and I went to the Y one day and I asked the guy to train me and I got on the treadmill, I could only do three minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And he sat me down and he goes, dog, A, you gotta quit smoking and B, you gotta lose weight. | ||
| He goes, you're gonna hurt your joints if you walk on the treadmill. | ||
| He goes, go in the pool. | ||
| I'm like, you're a genius. | ||
| The pool's nothing. | ||
| So I would go early and go in the training pool, which is 90 degrees. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The water. | ||
| You're in the water. | ||
| Oh, when you go in 90 degree water, you got to look at you. | ||
| You're doing back shit. | ||
| You're flipping underwater. | ||
| You're like fucking splash. | ||
| You're throwing sidekits. | ||
| You're throwing punches like Muhammad Ali. | ||
| But one day I went, and it was fucking the afternoon. | ||
| So I had to go into the Olympic pool. | ||
| You got to go sign your name. | ||
| I thought, you know, I've been swimming for two weeks. | ||
| You know, I can do this. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| That's what I went for. | ||
| I had swam and bowed in the master swimming program, so I thought it just took a couple weeks to get the shit back to you. | ||
| I didn't know, bro. | ||
| I signed up and I jumped in the middle lane at the YMCA in the Olympic pool. | ||
| That water's like fucking 42 or whatever it is. | ||
| As soon as I hit Joe Rogan, everything just froze. | ||
| And my fat little legs were moving. | ||
| But I wasn't moving. | ||
| I was just spinning around in circles. | ||
| Because I think once the water gets cold, it's even harder to maneuver in there. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's really hard. | ||
| I hadn't done it in a while. | ||
| Your body freezes up. | ||
| Listen, bro. | ||
| In Boulder, I'm the witness to this. | ||
| In Boulder, she does that class outside year-round. | ||
| What class? | ||
| The Master Swimming Program is done outside. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So when you get there on your bicycle, they shovel. | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| So you run from the... | ||
| So that's the pools outside. | ||
| I still got a change inside in Boulder. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Those crazy fucking wasps walk from that hut to the pool in the snow. | ||
| They just part the fucking snow. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| They make a path from the house to the house. | ||
| And the pool's heated? | ||
| The pool is heated. | ||
| So they're just climbing the pool. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| The pool's not that heated, not jacuzzi. | ||
| This is Boulder. | ||
| You know, this is Jane. | ||
| This lady was crazy. | ||
| It is, even if the water is heated still. | ||
| It's still. | ||
| When your head gets wet and you pop your head out and it's 10 degrees outside, even if the water's 90 degrees, it still sucks at death. | ||
| You see that fucking steam coming off that water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| I jump into this wire, and I go into the middle, and I'm trying to get out of there, Joe, and these two Mexican kids are like, Mister, can we help you? | ||
| I'm like, fuck yeah. | ||
| So they try to pull me out, and they can't pull me out. | ||
| So they go, we'll get you. | ||
| We'll save you. | ||
| And all of a sudden, they brought a hoist in. | ||
| So a hoist is what they put in the middle of the thing. | ||
| They wanted me to swim back into the middle. | ||
| I was going to go in there with my fat little orca body, and they were going to pull me out like they pulled orca. | ||
| That's a hoist, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm like, dog, I'm drowning here. | ||
| I can't go back to the middle. | ||
| And all of a sudden, they press. | ||
| They call the ambulance. | ||
| So the ambulance came, but I didn't sign. | ||
| I ain't paying the 1800. I ran out of there before. | ||
| I'm happy I got the fuck out of there before the ambulance came. | ||
| As they were coming in with the thing, I was walking out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I never went back to the Y for about six months. | ||
| I was so fucking embarrassed. | ||
| I almost drowned at the Hollywood Y, bro. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just unprepared. | ||
| Just went into that water, and it was cold, and my lungs just fucking froze. | ||
| Stopped. | ||
| How often are you working out now? | ||
| Four, but I'm not swimming. | ||
| Did you change anything about your diet when we did that Mike Dolce podcast? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, I like the Dolce stuff, but I don't like a lot of weird vegetables. | ||
| I never have, and I'm not going to eat them. | ||
| I'm not going to really fucking eat them, you know? | ||
| I eat them, man. | ||
| What I have done that's really been good is I finally got the sparkles of water in my kitchen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I don't drink soda. | ||
| Good. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's beautiful. | |
| You know, water, this is what you gotta get in your head, too. | ||
| Water tastes fucking good. | ||
| Water tastes good. | ||
| It tastes good. | ||
| Water tastes real good. | ||
| You know, it's not like you need a soda. | ||
| Like, sometimes water tastes better than a soda. | ||
| Like, you just, in your head, the soda's like the naughty thing. | ||
| But a meatball sandwich, you gotta get a beer with. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, if we're gonna get a sausage sandwich right now, we gotta get a Heineken. | ||
| You know, there's certain things that you gotta get a cocktail with or a fucking something. | ||
| Water doesn't taste good. | ||
| With some stuff. | ||
| There's no taste to water. | ||
| Well, when you're talking about for enjoyment for food, yeah, for sure. | ||
| But, like, as far as, like, a clean taste, if water was rare, and, you know, it may very well be someday. | ||
| It may very well be someday that in our future generations we fucked up so bad that water becomes, like, valuable. | ||
| I looked up what you told me. | ||
| You can only drink soda. | ||
| I did look up what you told me. | ||
| We were in trouble. | ||
| As far as what? | ||
| They're leasing out these rivers, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember, we discussed this on the plains. | ||
| For water. | ||
| I think they leased out, I don't know, how many fucking rivers in 2009? | ||
| For bottled waters. | ||
| For bottled water. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's so funny if you think about water, because, you know, new water hasn't been made for millions of years. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| We're fucking drinking water that Jesus pooped out at one point. | ||
| The water just gets recycled and recycled and stuff like that. | ||
| It actually comes here in asteroids, too. | ||
| It comes here in comets. | ||
| When you see a comet flying across the sky, that trail, that's melting ice. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| So we get really small amounts of water from... | ||
| Well, when the Earth was born, we had been hit by many, many different asteroids and many bodies from outer space, but very likely we'd been hit by giant slabs of ice from outer space, and that the water that we have on this Earth comes from other planets. | ||
| And that everything in this world is extraterrestrial because the whole planet has been created by things that have come from other planets that have been sucked into it. | ||
| It's not like, you know, it wasn't like there was a thing and it was the Earth. | ||
| No, the thing, the Earth, was nailed by asteroids. | ||
| The moon was created because it was hit by another planet. | ||
| Like, a lot of shit has hit it. | ||
| And comets have hit the Earth, apparently, and dropped water. | ||
| And that's, like, where all the water comes from. | ||
| Yeah, but isn't it like on fire when it's entering the earth? | ||
| Yeah, it's too big. | ||
| You know, you're talking about a piece of ice that's who knows how many fucking miles wide, and it actually survives re-entry. | ||
| I mean, try to wrap your head around that. | ||
| Try to wrap your head around a piece of ice that can survive re-entry. | ||
| How big does that have to be? | ||
| This guy, you know, when you live in Boulder, you know, you do all that. | ||
| You know, you smoke your dope, and you go to a lot of hippie things. | ||
| Let me just say one thing. | ||
| It might not survive the entry. | ||
| It might burn up in the atmosphere and become storms. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| I don't know how many of them actually do land, but I do know that the water that we have is from a lot of it, they believe, is from, like, Pansperia, the idea that comes from asteroids and shit. | ||
| So you can almost say that our waters could be being, like, ingredients added to it from aliens. | ||
| Well, you could be. | ||
| If water did come here, it could have had biological entities frozen inside of it. | ||
| That's how they give us the firmware upgrades, is from fucking comet water. | ||
| They're like, alright, we're gonna... | ||
| Yeah, well, that could be that that's what asteroids are, is like the reset button. | ||
| Software updates. | ||
| It's a reset button. | ||
| That's why they had to get rid of the dinosaurs. | ||
| They got too crazy. | ||
| Like, maybe the dinosaurs would be a good idea. | ||
| It'd be like tigers. | ||
| We'd kind of keep control of them, but still maintain some sort of a civilization. | ||
| But T-Rex just got way too fucking big. | ||
| You know, this giant, huge lizard just running through villages, eating people. | ||
| So they had to just jack them all. | ||
| Start fresh. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Meteor impact. | ||
| Now one of those geniuses in bold, I took a course one time in evolution. | ||
| Just some shitty three credit thing. | ||
| And this guy was saying that the world was a lot fucking bigger in circumference? | ||
| Diameter? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| But over the years, you were saying all the hits... | ||
| It's gotten down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It gets smaller? | ||
| That's what he was feeling. | ||
| That's what his theory was. | ||
| Their theory, whatever. | ||
| This is 20 years ago. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But he was saying, think about it. | ||
| He goes, we're the bottom. | ||
| He goes, even when we walk around Bold and all those mountains, we're at the bottom of that. | ||
| That was bigger at one time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, these people, whatever, felt that it was bigger. | ||
| We've just been getting hit for the last million years. | ||
| Well, what's really creepy is when you look at the moon. | ||
| Because the moon doesn't have anything up there. | ||
| It's just this one surface color. | ||
| You know, it doesn't vary that much. | ||
| So when you look at it, all you're seeing is these fucking craters. | ||
| There's no atmosphere. | ||
| So they don't get burnt up. | ||
| So you just see, doom, doom, doom, everywhere. | ||
| The whole thing is just pockmarked, like that dude's face from... | ||
| What's that dude's name? | ||
| James Olmos. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If... | |
| If that's how many are coming at us, all those holes that are on the moon, if that's how many are coming at us, some of those are big. | ||
| There's some really big craters. | ||
| When was the last time we got here? | ||
| They don't know, but speculation has been the most recent big one, they think, was about somewhere around 12,000 years ago. | ||
| 10,000 to 12,000 years ago. | ||
| Because they found all of this, it's a type of molten rock that occurs during nuclear tests, and it also occurs during meteor impacts. | ||
| And they found it all over the world, at the same core level, when they do soil samples. | ||
| Then they go down to between 10,000 and 12,000 years, I believe it is, somewhere in that range. | ||
| That's where they keep finding it, all over the earth. | ||
| And that's also significantly when the end of the Ice Age sort of is. | ||
| It's sort of coinciding with the same time. | ||
| Like 10,000 years ago, that's when people were making their way across here from Russia and the Bering Strait. | ||
| The whole ice age of 10,000 years ago ended abruptly, and a lot of animals died in mass extinction events, like woolly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers, died in mass graves. | ||
| And the speculation is that was the last big meteor shower, and that somewhere around 10,000 to 12,000 years ago, most of civilization got fucked sideways. | ||
| So we started all over again. | ||
| again a lot of people started all over again and that explains a lot of things explains um a lot of uh ancient buildings that nobody knows how the fuck they built them it's most more most likely that we had went on a we had gotten a very high level of sophistication i say we they the people in a bunch of different shit but um we went in a totally different path once we rebuilt and then our path when we rebuilt was a little bit more lost and became more technological in nature | ||
| But you can't deny the shit that they built. | ||
| Just the stuff they built in Greece. | ||
| You know, just look at the Acropolis and the Parthenon. | ||
| You think these motherfuckers built that shit thousands and thousands of years ago on top of some shit that was from thousands of years before that? | ||
| It might have been a super advanced culture that got fucked up by meteors. | ||
| Just because I get a little fucked up. | ||
| All this stuff that they have in Greece now. | ||
| Was this also part of Greek mythology, like Medusa? | ||
| Like when I watched Clash of the Titans. | ||
| I'm just asking you guys. | ||
| When the fuck was Clash... | ||
| Not the shit they came out with, the original. | ||
| With Mark Hamill, whatever that motherfucker's name is. | ||
| The original Clash of the Titans. | ||
| When was all that around? | ||
| I think if I had to guess what the Greek gods were all about, I would have to guess... | ||
| You have to have, first of all, some sort of an explanation for storms and, you know, we don't have to deal with too much fucking weather here in sunny California. | ||
| We're getting pretty soft because of that. | ||
| But if you live on the East Coast and you've been anywhere near a hurricane, you know how goddamn terrifying Mother Nature can be. | ||
| And if you're living in Greece, I'm assuming they get some sort of storms. | ||
| I'm assuming that their leaders would have to have some sort of an explanation of what the fuck is going on. | ||
| And I think it's a form of expression in creativity. | ||
| They figured out a way to create Thor and Zeus and create this whole mythology behind it. | ||
| And it was probably just to calm everybody the fuck down and keep everybody together. | ||
| They probably had to have some sort of an explanation. | ||
| What is the lightning? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| It's a guy named Thor. | ||
| He's the god of thunder. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| He's up there. | ||
| He's shooting lightning bolts down. | ||
| He's actually in a fight with his brother, who's a dick. | ||
| His brother's name is Loki. | ||
| Loki wants to run shit. | ||
| And he's an asshole. | ||
| Alright, so what about Gladiator? | ||
| And then there's Zeus. | ||
| Wasn't that when Zeus was around? | ||
| Odin. | ||
| And then there's Odin. | ||
| Gladiator? | ||
| Was that when Zeus was around? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I'm fucking asking you. | ||
| That's not even the same country. | ||
| That's Rome. | ||
| That's the Roman gladiators. | ||
| Greek mythology. | ||
| Yeah, what's his face? | ||
| The actor. | ||
| That was his last great movie, right? | ||
| That was the best one he ever did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was the best. | ||
| That was iconic. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That puts him in the list of all... | ||
| What the fuck is his name? | ||
| Russell Crowe. | ||
| That puts him in the list of all-time greatest movie stars. | ||
| There's a handful, five or ten dudes, he's right in there. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie. | ||
| I loved him in that movie. | ||
| You know what else he was great in? | ||
| That cigarette movie. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| The Insider? | ||
| Yes, he was great in that. | ||
| That guy can really abandon himself into a part. | ||
| He's one of those few dudes that can really abandon himself. | ||
| Pacino was in that too, right? | ||
| The Insider, yes. | ||
| Pacino. | ||
| Yeah, was he? | ||
| Pacino plays the reporter from 60 Minutes. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| And his boss was Glenn whatever. | ||
| He's fucking good. | ||
| Yeah, I still appreciate the fuck out of a great movie like that, but it's hard to find a good one. | ||
| It's hard to find them like that, you know? | ||
| You ever go back and watch a movie from the 70s when they were really art pieces? | ||
| They had big art pieces. | ||
| Like Le Mans. | ||
| Did you ever see Le Mans? | ||
| Steve McQueen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I watched that recently. | ||
| Le Mans is fucking crazy. | ||
| Nobody even talks for the first 15 minutes of that movie. | ||
| It's a bunch of shit happening where you watch this guy live in his life. | ||
| I mean, he's driving his car. | ||
| He doesn't say anything. | ||
| He goes to the locker room. | ||
| He doesn't say anything. | ||
| I mean, it's like you're watching everything go out. | ||
| It's telling you a story without a single word. | ||
| It's really fascinating. | ||
| And I think if you're going to use the visual medium of movie, that is one of the coolest ways to tell a story because that is the one thing that you cannot achieve in writing. | ||
| I mean, if you say that it can never live up to the writing, well, this is where we're showing you things with no dialogue whatsoever. | ||
| You know, like painting, that's like one of the best ways you can create with a visual medium. | ||
| You know, to not even use the words. | ||
| Just show me some shit. | ||
| Why do you always bait me into this conversation? | ||
| Because you know where it's going to go. | ||
| Where's it going to go? | ||
| It's going to go back to the best movies. | ||
| When were they made? | ||
| You know, if you watch... | ||
| The best songs, when were they made? | ||
| When they didn't really know what they were doing yet. | ||
| But those movies, Lamont, if I put Lamont on for fucking Red Band, Red Band will throw me out of his house. | ||
| Because Red Band is part of, you know, today we want it fast. | ||
| Like, if you watch anything from the 70s, it's a tough fucking follow. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| The Godfather's easy, The Exorcist is easy, but Hollow Vest was one. | ||
| They did not have Twitter attention spans. | ||
| No, they didn't have it. | ||
| And that's what you have to understand. | ||
| So when we tell you, you know, I watched your movie the other day. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| The Friends of Eddie Coyle. | ||
| What a crazy fucking movie. | ||
| And still, if you're with the wrong people in the room, they're going to go, Joey, you got to change it before I fucking follow you. | ||
| I learned that from Anthony Bourdain, too. | ||
| I was watching his show on Boston. | ||
| He did a show on Boston. | ||
| I grew up in Boston, so I was excited by it. | ||
| It was pretty interesting. | ||
| He decided to hang out mostly in South Boston. | ||
| Hung around in weird little places where you get lobster sandwiches and little boxing gyms and shit. | ||
| But then he brought up that movie. | ||
| I had never heard of it. | ||
| Robert Mitchum movies. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| From the 70s? | ||
| 73. Yeah, tremendous movie. | ||
| Tony Santos. | ||
| If you watch that movie, there's a lot of character actors. | ||
| There's some character actors. | ||
| But those movies... | ||
| They're pieces of art. | ||
| What's the movie when we discuss this? | ||
| When Charles Bronson comes out and he goes, did you bring a horse for me? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, one horse, you know, too many. | ||
| Yeah, you fucked up. | ||
| What does he say? | ||
| Yeah, well, no, you brought one too many. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, you're one too... | ||
| That takes 15 fucking minutes, that scene. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would go, Joey, it changes. | ||
| Well, he gets off the train, the bell rings, the crow flies... | ||
| If you want to go back to movie badasses, all-time great movie badasses, in my opinion, no one can fuck with Charles Bronson. | ||
| You can't fuck with Charles Bronson. | ||
| Movie badasses, legitimate, real movie badasses, you know, as far as, like, a guy who you really believed. | ||
| I believed him in hard times, okay? | ||
| You know... | ||
| I believe Clint Eastwood a little bit, but he did comedies like Every Which Way But Loose. | ||
| And when you do those, there is a little something lost. | ||
| Charles Bronson never did a stupid comedy that wasn't that funny. | ||
| But Stallone has. | ||
| Stallone had that... | ||
| The one with his mother. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stopping My Mom Will Shoot. | ||
| Yeah, Stopping My Mom Will Shoot. | ||
| What was the other one he did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What was the one with Kurt Russell? | ||
| He was a cop and they were both in jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's one of the worst movies of all time. | ||
| The dialogue is so bad in that movie with him and Kurt Russell that people, like, replay it. | ||
| They do it as, like, theater art, as a performance art. | ||
| Because the lyrics, the words, rather, the dialogue is so bad. | ||
| The one he did with his wife. | ||
| Brigitte Nielsen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| I don't shop here anyway. | ||
| Was that Cobra? | ||
| Cobra. | ||
| Oh, and he had the craziest car. | ||
| This guy, he can't have a regular car. | ||
| I want him to have the oldest car you can get. | ||
| It's got to have glass. | ||
| It's got to be an old car. | ||
| He had this old shitbox car and he's like racing people that are in like modern cars. | ||
| You know, like catching them and come on, man. | ||
| You know, he made good movies. | ||
| Those old fucking torpedoes. | ||
| You know when he made good movies when he was young? | ||
| Fist was good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Lords of Flashbush. | ||
| Yeah, that was his first. | ||
| That was his first movie. | ||
| Henry Winkler. | ||
| How much for the ring? | ||
| Go outside, ladies. | ||
| Let me talk to this guy. | ||
| He talked to the guy. | ||
| What was the one when he was the fighter? | ||
| Not Rocky. | ||
| Well, look at Stallone. | ||
| He can act his fucking ass off. | ||
| He just does a lot of shitty movies. | ||
| Well, they paid him. | ||
| He was slinging dick. | ||
| What's the one where he arm wrestled? | ||
| Oh, I don't remember that one. | ||
| Over the Top. | ||
| What was the one where he went to jail and he broke himself out with the car? | ||
| Him and the kid from King of Queens. | ||
| They had the car. | ||
| The kid from King. | ||
| Yeah, the Italian kid that used to hang out with Kevin James in that. | ||
| There's a skinny kid in that. | ||
| Go look it up. | ||
| He did a movie that came out. | ||
| I was in the halfway house. | ||
| 91, 92. What's the guy? | ||
| I don't know, but Stallone did a movie where he goes to jail and in there they work on a car. | ||
| Remember they worked on a car and the car was fast and it brought him back and Please, please, look it up because I'm not going to make it home. | ||
| The car brought me back! | ||
| Go ahead, please. | ||
| Why am I going to look up? | ||
| What did you just say? | ||
| What did you even just say? | ||
| A movie? | ||
| Just go to fucking Sylvester Stallone and look at 1990 and see what movie came out and you can see everything we're talking about. | ||
| Here, put on my glasses. | ||
| I can't do this. | ||
| I want to know what this fucking movie is. | ||
| I don't care enough to get specific. | ||
| If you think... | ||
| That movie you think is bad, the one with karate, with the kid, the bouncer, you've got to watch this one. | ||
| Oh, Roadhouse? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Roadhouse is amazing. | ||
| Don't say Roadhouse is bad. | ||
| Roadhouse is not bad. | ||
| Roadhouse is so bad, it's good. | ||
| That's why Roadhouse is so bad. | ||
| Roadhouse is my favorite hotel movie. | ||
| If I'm flipping through the channels, out of respect, if Roadhouse comes on, I keep it on. | ||
| If I'm just flipping through the channels and any other movie comes on, I'll see what else is on. | ||
| I'll keep changing. | ||
| Listen, Machete... | ||
| It's the worst movie that you leave on because it's so bad. | ||
| When he takes the wire, when he takes the guy's intestines and he flies out the door. | ||
| First of all, why would you watch that? | ||
| Because I'm high and I can't find the remote in the hotel room. | ||
| And I got a lot of friends that are Mexican. | ||
| So I got to watch the movie. | ||
| Is it maybe Lock Up? | ||
| Lock Up. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| He works on the car and then the warden tells him, if you fix the car, I'm going to shut your parole off. | ||
| So he has to beat up the warden. | ||
| It's like the longest girl for cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| I tried to watch the new... | ||
| Ari and I tried to watch the new Sherlock Holmes movie. | ||
| And we were like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| What did they do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did they do? | |
| Did they just put this together in a week? | ||
| It was so clunky. | ||
| The plot was clunky. | ||
| The dialogue was like... | ||
| Sherlock Holmes is one of those characters that was cool if it was a book, you know, back in the old days. | ||
| But now it's like, hey, do you want to see a movie with the Hardy Boys? | ||
| You know what it is, man? | ||
| They fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, Robert Downey Jr. They got it right in the first one. | ||
| I thought the first Sherlock Holmes movie was good. | ||
| But the latest one was like, what are you doing? | ||
| It's like a parody. | ||
| It was not good. | ||
| That new movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Spencer Slime. | ||
| The Expendables? | ||
| The Expendables. | ||
| It's going to be awesome. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| God, it looks so horrible. | ||
| If you want to go see that kind of movie, it's going to be awesome. | ||
| It looks horrible. | ||
| I never saw the first one. | ||
| Well, you've got to know what that is. | ||
| That's like a chimp driving a muscle car. | ||
| It's just crazy to watch. | ||
| I saw the preview in Arnold Schwarzenegger. | ||
| He goes, I'm back. | ||
| And I'm like, are you kidding me? | ||
| He's really fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| He'll say that, man. | ||
| If you're in the theater and he gets out there and he locks and loads, and he goes, I'm back. | ||
| You'll go, yes! | ||
| Especially if you were 14. You live in Ohio still. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| If you were 14 and you were back in Ohio, would you not go crazy for this movie? | ||
| No, I'd be like, who the fuck is Arnold Schwarzenegger? | ||
| I don't give a shit about this dude anymore. | ||
| Oh, he's in that shitty movie I saw on HBO that one time? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you watch Terminator right now, who cares? | ||
| They got Transformers. | ||
| No, I'm just saying with kids like 13-year-olds. | ||
| Fucking Terminator's good. | ||
| We think it's good, but kids will not think that's good. | ||
| I watched Superman the other day, and I watched Return of the Batman, or whatever, the one with Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito as the Joker. | ||
| How bad was it? | ||
| That was horrible. | ||
| Almost awful to watch. | ||
| Was that Michael Douglas? | ||
| Michael Douglas. | ||
| No, not Michael Douglas. | ||
| I used to think in my head, no, Michael Keaton was the best Batman. | ||
| I like Michael Keaton. | ||
| I watched that shit. | ||
| It was the biggest pile of shit ever. | ||
| I can't believe I ever thought that movie was good. | ||
| Then I watched Superman. | ||
| I was like, this is the dumbest, cheesiest fucking movie ever. | ||
| Didn't they put Richard Pryor in Superman 2? | ||
| One of them. | ||
| Three or four. | ||
| Three, I think it was. | ||
| But Superman 2, like, a part was, like, this one girl, like, Lois Lane, like, he pushed over the edge or something like that, and then he jumped over the edge, and then he... | ||
| Went and got her? | ||
| Got her. | ||
| But then he's, like, they didn't explain, like, he was Clark Kent, or what's his name? | ||
| Character Clark Kent, right? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| He was Clark Clinton when he jumped off, when he supposedly changed his clothes while he was falling, and then put his clothes somewhere, and then grabbed her. | ||
| It was so many dumb things like that. | ||
| Well, Superman was supposed to be able to move faster than the speed of light, so he could do that, Brian. | ||
| I know, but it was really horribly done. | ||
| Well, I'm sure. | ||
| Green screen flying over, and you're just sitting there like, that's so fake. | ||
| I'm out of this movie, because your guys are obviously not flying right now. | ||
| It was that bad. | ||
| So anyways, you see a 13-year-old kid watch that movie, he's never going to get into that. | ||
| Yeah, well, one thing that kids get today, though, that they never got before is you get a history of cinema, like, in a full form. | ||
| Like, they get to see a vast difference between, like, King Kong from the 1930s and a movie of today. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing. | ||
| If you watch, if you're a kid today and you watch, like, old movies... | ||
| It's got to be a real mindfuck. | ||
| Like, how stupid were people that they thought that was cool? | ||
| We've seen it a little bit, because I remember when I was a kid, growing up, I was really into special effects from monster movies and Harryhausen. | ||
| I think that guy's... | ||
| Harry... | ||
| What is that his name? | ||
| Whatever the guy's name was, that was the animation dude who did King Kong and Rick Baker. | ||
| He did American Werewolf in London and really cool special effects type shit. | ||
| I remember thinking it's amazing from the 1930s to the 1980s. | ||
| Look at how much better they've gotten through the 1970s. | ||
| I remember thinking that. | ||
| Wow, they were terrible back in those King Kong days. | ||
| But you look at it now, and through our lifetimes, things have reached critical mass. | ||
| They've gotten really crazy to the point where you're seeing artificial, like, everything. | ||
| Like, you're seeing asteroid impacts, alien invasions, all these different things in movies that look incredibly realistic. | ||
| I mean, incredibly realistic, like, undiscernible. | ||
| Like, you don't know what's fake and what's real. | ||
| I watched Aliens the other night. | ||
| It doesn't hold up. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's a good movie. | ||
| The suspense still holds up, but there's a scene where the fucking spaceship is flying through the clouds, and it looks so bad, it looks like a Saturday Night Live episode. | ||
| It looks like Toontz's the cat is driving the spaceship. | ||
| I miss Toontz's. | ||
| It didn't even look remotely real. | ||
| I was like, this is so fucking, it so takes me out of this movie. | ||
| Like, it's so clunky. | ||
| You know, the other night I went to do comedy and I got home. | ||
| And as I walk in the fucking door, I sit down to see who's on Letterman and who's on Leno. | ||
| It's the first thing I do. | ||
| And something, I scroll down to HBO and it's Mr. Majestic. | ||
| That's when they break Charles Bronson's watermelons. | ||
| So I have a friend that's a big Charles Bronson fan. | ||
| I call him, I go, bro, it's 1230 here in California. | ||
| I was gonna go to bed, but I guess not. | ||
| Mr. Majestic's on me. | ||
| He's asleep. | ||
| He goes, dog, what the fuck? | ||
| He goes, that's my favorite. | ||
| Charles Bronson's gonna be killing white people. | ||
| Call me in the morning. | ||
| He just hangs up on me. | ||
| I timed it. | ||
| He started beating up white people at the 16 minute mark. | ||
| He's classic. | ||
| The first thing he did is he hit some dude in the dick with a shotgun, hit his buddy, and then the guy was playing music on the speaker and he shot the fucking speaker to get the Mexicans off the thing. | ||
| I fell asleep. | ||
| It was too fucking slow. | ||
| Again, that was one of those movies that was great in 1980. You had to watch it. | ||
| But you watch it now. | ||
| And it's funny because when I first moved to Colorado in Aspen, They only have KSPN 12, one station. | ||
| And it was just getting started. | ||
| They played that movie three times a week. | ||
| It was a 6 o'clock movie. | ||
| So I watched it. | ||
| I was broke. | ||
| I would watch it every night. | ||
| So I know that movie front and back. | ||
| It's just, you're right. | ||
| Just Hard Times alone. | ||
| Hard Times, Death Wish. | ||
| The Mechanic. | ||
| The Mechanic. | ||
| There was a couple movies he made. | ||
| You know, that story I heard about when they did The Magnificent Seven, and they all got together, and they said, listen, dog, we can't let this fucking Yul Brynner steal our fucking heat. | ||
| We're Americans. | ||
| This guy's the fucking, what movie did he make, The King and I? Yeah. | ||
| And they were like, are you kidding me? | ||
| Where's Yul Brynner from? | ||
| Yul Brynner's like from some other country. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| So this was an American movie, and there was, you know, Steve McQueen, James Colbert, Charles Bronson, and they're like, let's torture this motherfuckers. | ||
| So they would torture him. | ||
| They would fucking abuse him. | ||
| Call him up from the Formosa and try to wake him up in the middle of the night. | ||
| We're coming to get you and hang up on him and shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| They got together. | ||
| They're like, dog, there's no way this motherfucker's going to come over here and steal this movie from us. | ||
| So they were fucking with him, really? | ||
| Where'd you read this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard it. | |
| I heard them talking about it on TV. They were telling a biography one time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, they didn't... | ||
| George C. Scott insinuated it. | ||
| George C. Scott went over and he's like, bro, you guys gonna let some foreigners steal your movie? | ||
| Fuck this motherfucker. | ||
| George C. Scott did that? | ||
| George C. Scott, you know, he was the fucking... | ||
| He was the lit. | ||
| He was in The Hustler, right? | ||
| Wasn't George C. Scott in The Hustler? | ||
| No, he's in the one about cards with Steve McQueen, the Cincinnati kid. | ||
| Look up the hustle. | ||
| I think he is. | ||
| Yeah, he always played in those heavy movies. | ||
| Yeah, he was, man. | ||
| No, he was always a heavy in those fucking movies. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| Because he was... | ||
| Yes, he was always a heavy in those fucking movies. | ||
| Because he was a friend of mine's brother-in-law or something like that. | ||
| Have you seen the trailer for the new Superman movie called Man of Steel? | ||
| There's a new Superman movie? | ||
| Yeah, it comes out in 2013. Come on, for real? | ||
| Russell Crowe, the guy that was in Gladiator, plays Superman's dad. | ||
| See, that's a faux pas. | ||
| You can't beat fucking Marlon Brando with Superbad. | ||
| Yeah, that's the one. | ||
| And I'll tell you who else was really good in Superman. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Gene Hackman. | ||
| Gene Hackman was good in it, yeah. | ||
| Thank God, Superman. | ||
| Yeah, he played Burt Gordon. | ||
| George C. Scott played Burt Gordon. | ||
| George C. Scott is a Hustler. | ||
| Sure, he played a heavy... | ||
| You owe me money! | ||
| Yeah, he's always a fucking heavy Burt. | ||
| Yeah, he was great in that movie. | ||
| That's another movie, The Hustler. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I think it was 63 or some shit like that. | ||
| That's another movie that was... | ||
| It's like you've got to really have an attention span to watch that movie. | ||
| It's a different sort of thing. | ||
| There was a lot of subtlety back then. | ||
| Like a guy would walk in and look at the clock, and then look at a guy who worked there, and the guy who worked there would go over and change the clock. | ||
| They wouldn't say a word. | ||
| The guy would look at him, Jackie Leason looks at his watch, looks at him, and the guy just changes the clock. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There was subtlety to movies back then. | ||
| Well, they gave you imagination. | ||
| A director in the 60s, 70s, and the beginning of the 80s, he gave you... | ||
| He let your mind run away with it. | ||
| You know, and I always say that scene in The Godfather and Marlon Brando goes down. | ||
| The director would have showed him. | ||
| This director pulled it back and let the wind blow. | ||
| And he showed the fucking things from the fruit. | ||
| They're shaking. | ||
| They didn't show Marlon Brando. | ||
| The beauty of it is he didn't shoot Marlon Brando straight. | ||
| He shot it this way. | ||
| So Marlon Brando was dead somewhere in that corner. | ||
| That's your imagination. | ||
| You're already judging. | ||
| Like, where is he? | ||
| He just died of a heart attack. | ||
| Where is he? | ||
| You're trying to look. | ||
| He didn't give it to you. | ||
| That was artistic. | ||
| That was artistic. | ||
| It was a different... | ||
| You know, that guy's a great fucking director. | ||
| And today, we have a few couple directors, but not that show you that imagination, bro. | ||
| When you leave there, fucks with your head a little bit. | ||
| Well, I think what's going on now, too, is that there's so much money involved in making a movie, and there's so many different people involved in their opinions. | ||
| When you get a $100 million investment in some crazy-ass movie, unless you're James Cameron, where you could just run the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A guy like James Cameron, he fucking tells everybody what to do, he's an asshole. | |
| That's what he has to do. | ||
| This is the only one way to make a Titanic. | ||
| You have to have one guy who's powerful as fuck with a crazy vision, because otherwise you're going to butcher it. | ||
| You're not going to make an avatar. | ||
| You've got to have one guy who puts this whole We're good to go. | ||
| They're going to be the funny shit that our kids laugh at. | ||
| Like, how stupid is this? | ||
| It's like, have you ever watched Missing in Action? | ||
| All praise be to Chuck Norris. | ||
| You ever watched Missing in Action? | ||
| There's a goddamn horrible movie. | ||
| But they're awesome. | ||
| They're awesome in their horribleness. | ||
| But, bro, Charles, let me tell you something. | ||
| In all respect, the fucking homie made some good movies. | ||
| Chuck Norris? | ||
| Chuck Norris made some very good movies. | ||
| What was that one cop movie that he made that was super legit? | ||
| Oh, in Chicago. | ||
| Yes, hold on a second. | ||
| I'm going to pull that up. | ||
| Yes, with that other dude. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| When he... | ||
| Eighty three Code of Silence. | ||
| Code of Silence. | ||
| That is a legit movie. | ||
| And he was a bad motherfucker in that movie. | ||
| I'll put his performance in that movie up with anybody. | ||
| He played a legit guy. | ||
| Yeah, but he had two martial arts ones before that. | ||
| He barely even used much karate in that movie. | ||
| He had to kick a couple dudes' asses, but that was a real movie. | ||
| In the pool hall. | ||
| He's the first guy ever, before Steven Seagal, in that movie, that he put the cool ball in the thing and started hitting people with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Steven Seagal stole it. | ||
| Out for justice, you know, where's Bobby Lupo later on? | ||
| But double check, but please tell me the name of Chuck Norris' earlier movies. | ||
| This is Code of Silence was in 85. 85, okay. | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| What's before Code of Silence, baby? | ||
| Invasion USA, Delta Force. | ||
| That's garbage. | ||
| Oh, actually those are after it. | ||
| Before that, I'm sorry. | ||
| Oh, Lone Wolf McQuaid. | ||
| Yes, and what's before? | ||
| But Lone Wolf McQuaid was still a karate movie. | ||
| Because that was David Carradine and Chuck Norris would go at it at the end in the big fucking ultimate finale karate scene that you knew Chuck Norris was going to win because it's his movie. | ||
| There was no drama in that victory. | ||
| Oh, there was a bunch, man. | ||
| Forced Vengeance, Silent Rage, An Eye for an Eye, The Octagon. | ||
| He had The Octagon before the UFC. That's 1980. A Force of One. | ||
| That was a good one, too. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| Good Guys Wear Black. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| That was a good one, man. | ||
| Chuck fucked some people up in the beginning. | ||
| Yeah, and then way back, the first movie he ever had was 68, The Green Berets and The Wrecking Crew. | ||
| He was like a party guest. | ||
| He had a tiny-ass role. | ||
| And then in 72, he was in The Way of the Dragon, bitches. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| That launched him. | ||
| In the beginning, bro, he had more longevity. | ||
| Because Seagal, you tapped out on Seagal after the Brooklyn movie. | ||
| Once somebody shot Bobby Looper, you're like, I'm not putting up with this fucking guy. | ||
| It's Good Guys Wear Black that really launched him. | ||
| Yeah, Good Guys Wear Black is a really good fucking guy. | ||
| You look at his career, there's like a couple years where he didn't do any movies. | ||
| He had 72, 73, 74, and then 75, 76, and then 76. So between 75 and 77 he didn't work, and then he did Breaker Breaker. | ||
| I wonder if he was fighting. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's when he sold Tang Soo Do. | ||
| When was he fighting? | ||
| Before 72. Really? | ||
| Yeah, look it up. | ||
| Before Bruce Lee. | ||
| Let me tell you something about Chuck Norris. | ||
| You know, people joke about Chuck Norris. | ||
| Chuck Norris, back in his day, was a legit bad motherfucker. | ||
| Look at his body and fucking wear the dragon. | ||
| He was joking. | ||
| He was a legit bad motherfucker back then. | ||
| I mean, the level of martial arts back then, you know, there was a few guys that were representing the top level of martial arts. | ||
| He was one of them. | ||
| Benny Urquidez, he was one of them. | ||
| There was a few of those guys back then, and Chuck Norris is legit. | ||
| You know, every time I see Benny, I get happy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Every time I see Benny, I get happy. | ||
| I gotta tell you that. | ||
| Have you met Gene LaBelle yet? | ||
| Uh, no, but his gym is right down the corner from me. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| Is he at the gym every day? | ||
| Don't let him get you in a headlock. | ||
| No. | ||
| Is he at the gym every day? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know his schedule. | ||
| By the way, I stopped by Eddie's school last night, and I gotta tell you something. | ||
| Rhonda Rousey's very fucking strong. | ||
| Oh, she's a beast, man. | ||
| She's very fucking strong. | ||
| She's a Tapper, dude. | ||
| I was watching her. | ||
| First of all, he was teaching some high-level shit last night. | ||
| He was on a roll last night. | ||
| I went yesterday in the daytime and last night. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| He's been on a roll lately. | ||
| He's been on a roll. | ||
| But last night, he was teaching some high-level shit to her. | ||
| And when she packs that foot over... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| Oh, she has powerful legs, man. | ||
| She's a powerful lady. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| She has a great armbar, too. | ||
| Her armbars are nasty, man. | ||
| She's a strong woman, guys. | ||
| She gets a hold of your arm. | ||
| She doesn't just know how to get an armbar. | ||
| She knows how to correct as you're correcting. | ||
| So she knows to anticipate. | ||
| Like, here, for instance, this is a way to get a person an armbar. | ||
| You've got to extend their arm like that. | ||
| So if you think that someone's going to try to armbar you, the first thing you do is turn your hand this way. | ||
| And the reason why you turn your hand this way is because then you straighten it out. | ||
| You force it to do what they want. | ||
| They want to straighten your arm out. | ||
| So you turn it like that and then go like this. | ||
| So that way when they pull on the arm, it's going to go with the joint. | ||
| It's going to bend. | ||
| And then that's their job to try to turn it back around. | ||
| She's a master at adjusting that arm bar. | ||
| Like, making sure that once she locks a hole in that arm, she rolls with them, she flips them. | ||
| Like, if you watch her fight with Misha Tate, or if you watch a lot of her victories, one of the girls, she dislocated her arm, and the girl said she didn't tap, and her arm was jacked. | ||
| She jacks everybody's arms. | ||
| And she's just a master at adjusting. | ||
| As soon as she locks that thing up, first of all, the speed that she locks it up is nasty as fuck. | ||
| Her technique is pinpoint. | ||
| Everything's perfect. | ||
| And she's a master at adjusting. | ||
| So once she grabs a hold of that arm, you start flopping around. | ||
| But she knows where you're going to go. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because she puts arm bars on people every fucking day of the week. | ||
| So she knows exactly what to do. | ||
| There's certain positions that when you get used to, you know how a guy can get out of them. | ||
| You know the defense. | ||
| Like if you first learn a rear naked choke and you've never choked a guy before, you know, a guy gets a hand on the chin and he turns and the next thing you know he's out and you don't even know what happened. | ||
| But if you get good at it, you know what a guy can do to get out. | ||
| And so you stop all that shit from happening. | ||
| You anticipate it. | ||
| The more you roll, the more mat time you get, the more reps you get, the more time you spend actually choking people, the better you get at that. | ||
| There's just no way around it. | ||
| Well, Ronda has got to that point, that master point. | ||
| You know, there's a point that someone gets to with certain moves. | ||
| Like with Cody McKenzie, it's that crazy guillotine he gets people in. | ||
| With Ronda, it's that nutty arm bar, man. | ||
| And she's got a lot of other techniques, and her defense is good too, because Misha Tate is also a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And Misha Tate got her back, and she got out of that. | ||
| You know, it shows you that her defense is good as well. | ||
| Who's Misha Tate fighting next? | ||
| Oh, let me see. | ||
| I think she's... | ||
| Ron is fighting Sarah Kaufman. | ||
| I love Misha Tate, man. | ||
| I follow her on Twitter. | ||
| I love women's fighting, man. | ||
| I didn't used to love women's fighting. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Now it's to a different level. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| What does her should say next opponent? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| I saw a great movie to watch last night while smoking shitloads of weed. | ||
| It's the most trippiest fucked up movie I've ever seen. | ||
| It's called Funky Forest. | ||
| Okay, hold on a second because I want to answer that question. | ||
| Her name is Julie Kedzie. | ||
| That's who she's fighting. | ||
| Misha Tate's fighting Julie Kedzie and it's in a strike force and it's in August. | ||
| They're fighting August 18th. | ||
| Her boyfriend just fought in the UFC and won. | ||
| Brian Carraway. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| She's fighting also Ronda. | ||
| Yeah, Ronda Rousey's fighting Sarah Kaufman. | ||
| That same night. | ||
| Is it the same night? | ||
| Yeah, can you please check? | ||
| I think it's August something. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think Ronda's fighting another time. | ||
| So there's two different strike forces? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I feel like Ronda's fight is the next month, I believe. | ||
| Let me check, though. | ||
| Ronda Rousey. | ||
| So what happened, Ryan? | ||
| You got it high? | ||
| There's a movie called Funky Forest, The First Contact, and it's a hilarious movie. | ||
| And you got baked? | ||
| And so it's a crazy movie? | ||
| No, it's just a great movie to watch when you're super stoned around mushrooms. | ||
| If you go on Google or on YouTube, you can watch clips of it, and if I showed you it, you'd fucking freak the fuck out. | ||
| Oh, okay, it is August 18th. | ||
| It's the same card. | ||
| Yeah, it's the same card. | ||
| I knew she was fighting. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That means there's going to be two big women's fights on one card. | ||
| I thought they would space it out. | ||
| Space it out. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| The reality is, Rhonda is such a badass that there's been a lot of attention on the women's MMA movement now, where there wasn't just a year or two ago, when Gina Carano stopped fighting, when she stepped out, and Rhonda, the other two, Rhonda has, like, stepped up the cyborg, like, a bunch of times. | ||
| If you've never seen, if you don't know what the fuck we're talking about, there's a woman named Cyborg. | ||
| If you were a chick and you were fighting, what would be your biggest nightmare? | ||
| Well, your biggest night would be a woman who's not attractive, who looks like a man, who's built like a man, and she knows how to fuck people up. | ||
| And I ain't saying that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to go to war with Cyborg. | ||
| And that's almost exactly what Cyborg is. | ||
| And she tested positive for testosterone and male hormones or whatever she had taken, whatever banned substance that she had taken. | ||
| I think it was Anivar, but I don't remember. | ||
| But whatever it was, it's some sort of a steroid, which is what everybody had accused her of everywhere. | ||
| Anyway, so Ronda Rousey sent her, you have a dick, you dick. | ||
| She sent a picture of Gina Carano, Cyborg did, because Ronda Rousey said that she was a cheater. | ||
| So she sent a picture of Gina Carano with her face busted up after Cyborg beat her up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she said, you have a dick, you dick. | |
| Which is pretty fucking funny. | ||
| And it was just, if you really think about it, if she really was cheating, and that's what she did once she was cheating, like, if she really was, I mean, there's really not that many, we talked about it on the podcast, we even had a doctor, we had Dr. Steve call up and explain it to us, is it possible to look like that without some sort of enhancement? | ||
| He doesn't believe it is. | ||
| He doesn't think it's physiologically possible for a woman to be built like that unless someone along the line has been taking some shit. | ||
| If you look at those really fit CrossFit girls, those really in-shape women, they look fucking tremendous. | ||
| But they look like women. | ||
| They have good arms, and they're thick, and they have big legs and everything like that, but they have a much more feminine look to their musculature. | ||
| There's a certain level that some women have gotten, and Cyborg's one of them. | ||
| What's the joke you used to do about the fucking Noah's Ark? | ||
| It was a retarded boy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A retarded boy could look at a woman on steroids and tell you something right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, you could see it. | ||
| As soon as you see the neck and the fucking jawline and, I mean, her upper body was, I mean, she had traps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shit traps, guys. | ||
| Big ones. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| So, I mean, I understand when a woman burns fat, her titties get smaller. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's harder for a woman to have muscle definition because they have an extra layer of fat and all that stuff. | ||
| But you could see, I'm no endocrinologist, and I could tell that bitch did something. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| She did a lot more than to see a, what is it, a GNC shake and a fucking weed pill. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| She did something. | ||
| Well, she could have took it to the shit that used to be legal at GNC. Like, she could have gotten on some MAG-10 or something like that. | ||
| Was that stuff stronger? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| GNC made that? | ||
| Yeah, they banned it. | ||
| They used to have it. | ||
| I took it. | ||
| It's called MAG-10. | ||
| I took it. | ||
| You took it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did it work? | ||
| It was popular in Ohio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did it work? | |
| It seemed like it. | ||
| If you were lifting weights, you would notice. | ||
| If you, like, did it and lifted weights, I gained a lot of weight on that shit. | ||
| I think we used to take it for other reasons. | ||
| What other reasons would you have? | ||
| I don't remember, but... | ||
| Maybe I did take it when I was working out. | ||
| I just wanted to be yoked. | ||
| I remember when they got rid of it. | ||
| It pissed me off. | ||
| Yeah, they got rid of it because it was like a steroid. | ||
| It's like taking a steroid. | ||
| And I'm not saying you could get big without juicing, but she was at the point where you knew something was going on. | ||
| Her face started looking... | ||
| Like, very masculine, too. | ||
| And what's really crazy is there's a video of her from her first fight ever. | ||
| And if you go back to her first fight ever, she looked like a woman. | ||
| She was built very differently. | ||
| If you look at it, like, she's still badass. | ||
| She's still going to war with some chicks. | ||
| She's thrown down. | ||
| She's a shoot-box fighter. | ||
| But she looks like a woman. | ||
| Her body looks like a woman. | ||
| It's kind of shocking, the difference. | ||
| Because she looks... | ||
| She's scary now. | ||
| She looks like, you know, she would fuck you up, man. | ||
| When did she come back? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She might not ever come back. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, she'll come back. | ||
| She's got to go after her. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, they have to... | ||
| When she comes back, then she has to have a hearing to try to get her license back. | ||
| You know, it's not as simple as you come back. | ||
| Once you come back, you do the... | ||
| Once you do the suspension, you're good. | ||
| I don't know if that's necessarily the truth. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| You have to still subpoena the NACA... Well, I think you have to get licensed. | ||
| Because I think that, like Chael Sonnen, when they had to fight Anderson Silva, he had to get licensed in Nevada. | ||
| And that was part of the thing. | ||
| It wasn't just that Chael Sonnen had been banned for X amount of months. | ||
| He also had to get licensed. | ||
| So I don't know the whole process. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I think, you know, there's a difference between a woman doing performance-enhancing drugs and a man doing them, in my opinion. | ||
| When a woman starts introducing things that just don't exist in that level ever in her body, you know, it's a different thing to that than a guy taking, like, testosterone replacement therapy to try to be like a young man again. | ||
| It's really kind of tricky. | ||
| It's almost like you can't go down that slippery path. | ||
| We talked about the weight cutting thing. | ||
| If everybody has to weight cut, man, that kind of fucks things up. | ||
| It would be better if everybody didn't have to weight cut. | ||
| It would be nice if that was the reality. | ||
| Well, if women start taking male hormones, that is a mess. | ||
| That ruins the whole idea of the woman's sport. | ||
| If you... | ||
| If you have women taking male hormones, that's not women fighting anymore. | ||
| That's a hybrid. | ||
| That's a woman-man hybrid. | ||
| A woman with male hormones. | ||
| You're fucking the whole tree of life up there. | ||
| This isn't just you trying to reclaim lost youth. | ||
| You're creating a thing that's not quite a woman anymore. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| You're adding some shit to a woman that doesn't belong there. | ||
| And I think that has to be taken very seriously. | ||
| But you've seen those bodybuilders for years. | ||
| Those women have been doing it for years. | ||
| Oh, it's so sad. | ||
| It's so sad. | ||
| And that's what they have to do, right? | ||
| Because that's what that sport demands. | ||
| Look, it's all about body dysmorphia at that point. | ||
| When you're involved in bodybuilding, it's just like when you see a woman, and no disrespect to anybody who has this, your tits are too big and you're crazy. | ||
| You just get like a thousand cc's and they're like, I want to get another 200. Like, What are you doing? | ||
| Stop it! | ||
| Like, have you ever seen those videos on these people that can't stop getting bigger and bigger tit implants? | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| That's how bodybuilders are. | ||
| And they get this body dysmorphia, and they just, it's not about looking good. | ||
| Like, if you go back to, like, the Frank Zane days, you know, you go back to, like, before steroids, you know, that guy was in tremendous shape, and he was proportioned, and it was all about making your body, working hard to get your body in proportion. | ||
| Then it became about steroids, and then the Arnold Schwarzenegger era, and then forward into the Lee Haney era. | ||
| It became about these cartoonish, monstrous human beings. | ||
| It became straight body dysmorphia. | ||
| As soon as they figured out how to add drugs into the equation, everything got completely wacky, and women started getting wacky too. | ||
| Which one was Frank Zane? | ||
| There's a woman who lives down the street from me, and I won't say her name, but she was a very successful female bodybuilder back in the day. | ||
| And now she looks like she's paid a price for it, man. | ||
| It's sad when you see her. | ||
| She has a lot of masculine characteristics that she shouldn't have. | ||
| She looks like she fucking hijacked her system. | ||
| She morphed herself. | ||
| She morphed herself and turned herself into a man, basically. | ||
| It's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| She wears makeup, she tries to be woman-y, but you know what she used to look like and what she did to herself. | ||
| She turned herself into some sort of a masculine creation. | ||
| And even when they get off this stuff, they still maintain some masculine features. | ||
| It's really strange. | ||
| You know, their body grows. | ||
| Everything gets big. | ||
| You know, it's a very unfortunate thing that someone decided that that looks good for women. | ||
| They take in some crazy shit that makes you closer to a man. | ||
| Because a fit woman, it's beautiful to look at a fit woman. | ||
| And to not accept that a fit woman is going to look different than a fit man is craziness. | ||
| A fit woman, a woman who's in great shape and works out. | ||
| Like I said, those CrossFit girls, that's sexy as fuck, man. | ||
| Those girls have incredible bodies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Incredible. | |
| But they look like a girl. | ||
| They look like a woman who's in great shape. | ||
| You go to NoHo CC, the chicken there goes to the cross train. | ||
| My God. | ||
| My fucking God. | ||
| She's got a body that don't fucking... | ||
| Well, Ronda Rousey doesn't like the fact that her arms are real big. | ||
| Like when she came on the podcast, like, oh, everyone's going to see I'm all yoked. | ||
| You know, I kind of want to cover my sleeve. | ||
| We were like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Her body's sensational. | ||
| It's sensational. | ||
| Great thighs. | ||
| But she... | ||
| But she's so strong that to, like, a guy who doesn't exercise or doesn't work out, like Brian, she's very intimidating. | ||
| She would fuck him. | ||
| She wouldn't ever let him be on top. | ||
| Like, how are you going to get on top with Ronda Rousey? | ||
| You're not, okay? | ||
| She's going to fuck you. | ||
| She'll fuck you first. | ||
| She weighs 145. Well, 135 now when she fights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got the best defense for her. | |
| I bet you she's ticklish. | ||
| I'll find the ticklish spot. | ||
| And no matter what, she will still laugh. | ||
| Just stop talking. | ||
| She'll rape you. | ||
| She's got a great laugh. | ||
| Do whatever she wants to you. | ||
| I seen her thighs last night. | ||
| I was like, God. | ||
| Yeah, she's got an incredible body. | ||
| Sexy thighs. | ||
| But that's a woman's body. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| That's a woman's body. | ||
| There's nothing creepy about that. | ||
| The only time it gets creepy is when you do creepy shit. | ||
| When you do creepy shit, that's when your body starts looking creepy. | ||
| There's just no way around that, man. | ||
| You can't take male hormones and be still a sexy woman. | ||
| That's just weird. | ||
| But the dudes in that bodybuilding world that like those type of chicks, they get into that, man. | ||
| They like it. | ||
| Ah, she's a freak! | ||
| My girl's a freak! | ||
| You gotta see her quads! | ||
| Honey, show them your quads! | ||
| And they have this fucking spray tan leg that's like black as coal and they'll flex their dirty painted toes. | ||
| Ugh! | ||
| And you'll see some striations in that thigh. | ||
| They're like, what are you doing? | ||
| Why is that there? | ||
| Why do you have this... | ||
| Why is there no fat on your leg? | ||
| Why can't I see all the fucking ligaments in the... | ||
| With muscle fibers under there. | ||
| I remember the fucking monkey shrinks. | ||
| Like, I've always looked at them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That little pussy gets all tiny and the asshole gets flat. | |
| Yeah, the chest pulls in. | ||
| You go to suck a tit and it's hard. | ||
| Right away, you gotta be fucking tripping. | ||
| Because when they start juicing, they get the same thing in here as guys get from doing, like, close grip bench presses and all that. | ||
| This starts to get little fucking things inside their chest. | ||
| That's disgusting, I love it. | ||
| And all of a sudden, they have little titties. | ||
| I looked at them like, I've been to one of those contests. | ||
| Years ago, my buddy competed, so I went. | ||
| And I was watching these chicks going, look at those, you know, look at their bodies. | ||
| But at least even, could you save the monkey? | ||
| Could you save the monkey? | ||
| Because all that muscle surrounds it. | ||
| Well, they grow clits, bro. | ||
| The monkey shrinks up, the clits, everything shrinks up. | ||
| The clit grows, Joey. | ||
| Have you ever seen? | ||
| Oh, it grows like a dick. | ||
| Oh, dude, it grows like a dick. | ||
| No, no, listen, I pull the fucking chick's pants off, and she got one of those tight little hammers. | ||
| I'm fucking out of that. | ||
| I'm telling you, it grows like a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've seen it? | |
| Yeah, I've seen it online. | ||
| I've never seen it in real life. | ||
| You've never seen it? | ||
| No, no, in real life, I've never had... | ||
| I dated this one girl who was a bodybuilder when I was like 20, and she was from New Hampshire. | ||
| This bitch was loked out. | ||
| I was 21, because I was doing comedy. | ||
| She was a fucking Vienna sausage. | ||
| First girl ever. | ||
| I've heard about that, but I've never seen it. | ||
| I'd die, bro. | ||
| This girl wasn't like that. | ||
| She was natural. | ||
| This was, you know, 1988, whatever it was. | ||
| I don't think too many chicks were doing it that way. | ||
| But she was just so fucking down. | ||
| This girl was crazy. | ||
| We had sex. | ||
| She was on her period, and she sucked the blood off my dick. | ||
| That's how crazy this bitch was. | ||
| Good girl. | ||
| I was like, yeah, but you're on your period. | ||
| She just looked at me and started sucking it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, whoa! - Whoa! | |
| God! | ||
| Damn! | ||
| That's a rare girl. | ||
| You don't have my fucking faint. | ||
| That's a rare girl. | ||
| Did she lick the clots and everything off your dick? | ||
| Like the big black blood clots? | ||
| There was no black blood clots, fortunately. | ||
| It was just a lot of red, but she didn't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| She just started sucking it. | ||
| She was down. | ||
| When you fuck a girl in the muffler, you put it in her fucking mouth. | ||
| Who first invented that? | ||
| You're like, am I happy she's my girlfriend or am I sad? | ||
| Like, am I sad? | ||
| Do I just stuff it up her fucking ass? | ||
| Whatever's good, you should be happy. | ||
| Did you want to do that? | ||
| Did it feel good? | ||
| Did she get off on it? | ||
| Then you should both be happy. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| Only if she's clean, it's not that disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's disgusting. | |
| She's got to wash it all out, though. | ||
| She's got to go to work. | ||
| I've heard stories of people who fucking kick in the ass and have shit on their dicks and shit. | ||
| That's never happened to me because I'd fucking faint. | ||
| I'd wake up and beat the girl. | ||
| Mercifully, for having a dirty ass. | ||
| It's just scaring me like that. | ||
| I was fucking like the time in Seattle when I put the bottle in the girl's pussy. | ||
| You put a bottle in a girl's pussy? | ||
| What? | ||
| I was at the same chick I found. | ||
| The same chick I found. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The same chick I found. | |
| The aluminum foil in her asshole. | ||
| That same chick we were in Seattle. | ||
| And I was drinking, you know, a Gallo Brothers wine cooler. | ||
| And I started rubbing the bottle around her little monkey. | ||
| She was a stripper. | ||
| And then I pulled her little thing and I started working the fucking bottle inside her little monkey. | ||
| Joe, you know how dangerous that is? | ||
| That's how Fatty Arbuckle killed a girl. | ||
| Let me tell you the fucking story, Fatty Arbuckle. | ||
| I'm fucking working this bottle on her little monkey, right? | ||
| And I'm down there about to lick the fucking click. | ||
| And next thing I hear, the suction of the bottle had sucked the period out of her. | ||
| This brown vampire blood from Blade shot into this... | ||
| It was a little darker. | ||
| Like, it was just disgusting. | ||
| Bro, I fainted. | ||
| Because in my mind, I cut her with the bottle. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| I'm like, I cut this bitch. | ||
| So you fainted for real? | ||
| I went down. | ||
| She had a woke baby. | ||
| She was giggling. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| She's a nasty fucking animal. | ||
| She didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I mean, about a month earlier, I pulled the fucking little aluminum foil out of her ass. | ||
| That was the same girl? | ||
| Same chick in Seattle, bro. | ||
| That was a year and a half of fucking great freaky stories. | ||
| How many things do you stick in a girl? | ||
| Bro, you know, she was a fucking savage. | ||
| You only live once. | ||
| Have you You're dating a savage and you're not in love with her. | ||
| You try to do shit to her until she breaks up with you, right? | ||
| It is amazing how much people vary. | ||
| And like that girl that would suck the blood off your dick. | ||
| That's so variable. | ||
| You know, like the real freakiness. | ||
| Like when you meet someone, what they're down for, what they're not. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You ever date a girl? | ||
| You just start dating and she jerks you off on her tongue while she's looking you in the eye. | ||
| And you're like, whoa, what? | ||
| We just started hanging out and you're opening with this? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Like, God damn! | ||
| Where the fuck is this going? | ||
| You turned me on to something that I almost called you at 4 in the morning, called you a cocksucker 20 times, because it was one of the most devastating things I've seen in my life, and I'm not being funny right now, guys. | ||
| And how you sick motherfuckers watch that shit is beyond me. | ||
| I finally watched that Sasha Gray video that you referred to me when the 20 guys are fucking up. | ||
| And she's got a dick in her ass. | ||
| But the funny thing about the video is there's extras in the video. | ||
| And they're just standing around jerking off with their dicks. | ||
| Waiting. | ||
| And I'm sitting there going, Joe Rogan is a fucking lunatic for making me watch this shit. | ||
| Sasha Gray looks like they beat her. | ||
| Like she sucked and fucked 20 guys. | ||
| Like she's sweating. | ||
| That's all sweat. | ||
| Like it looks like she was in a workout. | ||
| They were punching her. | ||
| She's a fascinating chick because she's very smart. | ||
| Have you met her? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's interesting though. | ||
| I've heard her be interviewed. | ||
| I've read some of her interviews. | ||
| She's definitely very smart. | ||
| But so is Dana D'Armand, you know? | ||
| She's smart too. | ||
| She's weird. | ||
| She's day two? | ||
| No, Dana D'Armand, the girl that's done our podcast before. | ||
| She's done a lot of crazy shit too. | ||
| And she's been on our podcast. | ||
| She's a nice girl. | ||
| The other night, yeah. | ||
| She was saying she puts things in her ass and everything. | ||
| Oh, she's crazy. | ||
| I retweeted one of her lines one time. | ||
| It said, someone asked me, what is the craziest thing that's ever been in my ass? | ||
| Answer, cat toys. | ||
| The bitch had cat toys in her ass. | ||
| She asked me more cat toys. | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| But she's fun. | ||
| Look, all I give a fuck... | ||
| Oh, I give a fuck. | ||
| Are you nice? | ||
| Dude, when I meet you, are you a nice person? | ||
| Are you nice? | ||
| Can we get along? | ||
| And I meet her, she's always friendly. | ||
| You know, I'm a judge. | ||
| She's nice. | ||
| She's friendly. | ||
| She's nice to be around. | ||
| I bet she's very nice, but I'm going to be worried about her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I would be worried. | ||
| I'm always worried psychologically when I see someone do one of those crazy movies where, you know, those 15 dudes jerking off in your eyeballs. | ||
| It's like, what is that like? | ||
| And I was really disturbed. | ||
| I'm like, this is crazy. | ||
| People tell me I'm dirty on stage. | ||
| You've got to see this shit. | ||
| And people watch. | ||
| There's a market for that. | ||
| I didn't invent that. | ||
| People pulling her hair and they're fucking pissing on her. | ||
| And they're putting shit in her mouth. | ||
| I almost cried. | ||
| I almost started fucking crying. | ||
| I felt that fucking emotional. | ||
| Wait until you have a daughter. | ||
| And then you watch it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched that stuff. | ||
| Why would you watch that with your daughter? | ||
| No, I'm not saying watch it with your daughter. | ||
| I'm saying think about the fact that you have a daughter and that your daughter could grow up to be that girl. | ||
| By the way, I was going to tell you. | ||
| But here's the other problem. | ||
| She likes it. | ||
| She says she likes it. | ||
| I don't want it. | ||
| But if you had to tell me, hey, somebody offered Sam Tripoli a movie and he's going to do it and he gets to fuck 15 hot girls. | ||
| Sam Tripoli would do that. | ||
| Is it bad for Sam Tripoli if he's lying there and 15 girls are shoving their pussy in his face? | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| No, it's not bad. | ||
| So why is it bad that she fucks 20 dudes? | ||
| Well, it's only bad, really, because in our mind it's bad that you shouldn't like that. | ||
| But she says she likes it. | ||
| How much would they pay Sasha Gray? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Brian would know more than anybody. | ||
| He's friends with all those chicks. | ||
| Nowadays, they're not getting paid. | ||
| They're not getting that much money like Sasha Gray for fucking $16. | ||
| I know a girl that just did her first anal. | ||
| Her first anal. | ||
| I know this girl. | ||
| She's like a pretty new up-and-comer. | ||
| Up-and-comer. | ||
| You'd think she would get a lot of money for her first time, but it was like $1,000. | ||
| How funny is that, up-and-comer? | ||
| She's an up-and-comer, yeah. | ||
| She's fucking, she's gotta scale the great heights. | ||
| Oh, it's come with a year, though. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying, the idea of like, where are you gonna go? | ||
| A thousand bucks to get fucked in the ass. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, but if this was like, if this was like, 15 years ago. | ||
| A thousand people see it. | ||
| Oh, a lot more than a thousand. | ||
| So wait a second. | ||
| What if it's good? | ||
| A thousand bucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You pay for your hair and makeup. | |
| You pay for your fake tan. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You pay for your AIDS test. | ||
| Butthole cleaning. | ||
| You gotta douche yourself too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is it called? | ||
| A thousand dollars to get fucked in the ass. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta take an enema too. | ||
| You gotta clean out your butthole. | ||
| What I don't get is how guys are still guy porn stars. | ||
| Because you know that has to be like zero money, guy porn stars. | ||
| They must be paying them a couple hundred bucks at least. | ||
| For a lot of guys, man, like, I know dudes who've done porn, and it was like, you know, I didn't want to work at fucking McDonald's. | ||
| So I could do this, and I could make 500 bucks. | ||
| Like, there's some desperate people out there, and they fucked some girls on film, you know? | ||
| Like Tyler, our friend Tyler Knight that we had on the show. | ||
| Fucking great guy. | ||
| Normal, regular dude. | ||
| And he's out of the business now. | ||
| I think he's writing books. | ||
| Writing books and he's got an actual real job job. | ||
| He's like a corporate dude. | ||
| But he deployed for life? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he probably has to hire. | ||
| Can he make money? | ||
| I mean, do you make money? | ||
| You know, I think you make enough to pay your bills. | ||
| You know, you can get by if you live cautiously and you do a lot of fucking. | ||
| I don't think you're getting rich. | ||
| Unless you're like a famous guy. | ||
| Listen, you call me, you go, Joe, are you busy this afternoon? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Listen, I want you to come home when you fuck this chick and come on her face. | ||
| I'll give you a scale of six. | ||
| I'm there. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| I'm going to fucking come on somebody's face. | ||
| But to get fucked in the ass for a thousand dollars, that's just wrong. | ||
| I would want at least 10 G's, 15 G's. | ||
| Well, the whole world changed. | ||
| You know, the whole world of porn completely changed. | ||
| When? | ||
| When they stopped selling DVDs. | ||
| DVD sales disappeared when the internet came along. | ||
| They just disappeared. | ||
| They dried up completely. | ||
| Remember when Laws Erwick was saying the sky is falling because they had figured out a way to download things off the internet? | ||
| That was back when people weren't even that good at it. | ||
| Napster, file sharing and shit like that. | ||
| Now the fucking game is over. | ||
| The game's over. | ||
| So there's no more money in porn DVDs anymore. | ||
| I wouldn't be surprised if it diminished by 95%. | ||
| So people rent those? | ||
| They used to. | ||
| But now nobody rents them. | ||
| Now they can sell them, I guess, to direct TV and cable where you can buy videos to go. | ||
| Because if you flip through those late night channels, it's like $10 a movie or something like that, or $9 a movie. | ||
| And they're always there. | ||
| They always have videos. | ||
| So someone's buying content. | ||
| So I'm guessing they're selling something to someone somewhere, but it's nothing like the roaring 20s of porn that they had that they experienced out here for a couple decades. | ||
| For a couple decades, it was like, even though it was not respectable, there was people that had these giant-ass fucking houses and drove Ferraris, and the neighbors would be like, well, who's that guy? | ||
| Oh, he's in porn. | ||
| He's in porn. | ||
| But it was like, he was so rich, he didn't care that this scumbag was living next door to you. | ||
| But this guy was like a porn guy, and he would drive around in a Ferrari, and he was making millions. | ||
| And they would laugh at all these people that weren't in the porn business. | ||
| Listen, we make it, you buy it, okay? | ||
| I sell it, you pretend you don't buy it, but you do buy it. | ||
| And that's why my house is so big, baby. | ||
| Well, that guy doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| That guy doesn't exist. | ||
| Now it's like these hustler dudes who are sticking a camera in a girl's asshole and filming these audition tapes where girls meet them in conference rooms and they fuck them on a couch and Come on their face and make them sign a waiver and it's all like Gonzo style. | ||
| That's what's big in porn now. | ||
| The movies that they used to try to make, they used to try to make porn movies. | ||
| The Devil and Mrs. Jones was a porn movie. | ||
| Behind the Green Door with Marilyn Chambers, that was a porn movie. | ||
| Deep Throat was a porn movie. | ||
| Deep Throat was a porn movie. | ||
| People went to see it. | ||
| There's a photo of Johnny Carson waiting in line to go see Deep Throat. | ||
| Deep Throat was a pornographic movie. | ||
| The chick was sucking dicks. | ||
| But it still was a movie, and it was an artistic movie. | ||
| That shit doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| That was back then when, if you made porn, it was like, you have the only copy of it. | ||
| For someone to get it, they have to get it from you. | ||
| When you made Deep Throat, there's only one way to get Deep Throat. | ||
| You've got to get it from the guy who made it. | ||
| Is he going to make more copies of it? | ||
| How do I get it? | ||
| There wasn't even VHS tapes then. | ||
| You couldn't even see something again whenever you wanted to. | ||
| That's why when I saw Star Wars when I was a little kid, the thing was you'd go see Star Wars like 10 times. | ||
| I saw Star Wars, I think it was like 10 or 13 times or something crazy like that. | ||
| But that's what everybody did. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because you couldn't get a DVD. There was no DVDs. | ||
| There was no VHS. Once the movie was gone, it was over. | ||
| Yeah, it was over. | ||
| Now we're in the exact opposite. | ||
| Now, I'm sitting here talking to you, and all I have to do is go, oh yeah? | ||
| Well, let me go to iTunes real quick. | ||
| What, The Godfather? | ||
| Order, and I'm getting it. | ||
| And then while you're talking, I press play, and I'm watching The Godfather. | ||
| That quickly. | ||
| I mean, it's ridiculous, the saturation now. | ||
| What year did you go to New York? | ||
| I started comedy in 88 and I met Sussman. | ||
| I think it was 90 I met Sussman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
89 or 90. Was the porn thing still big in New York? | |
| 42nd Street? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They hadn't cleaned it up yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was scary. | ||
| It was a dangerous world back then. | ||
| It was a different world. | ||
| The 80s, 42nd Street was dirty, man. | ||
| It was like, you didn't go down there. | ||
| It was like, there was like porn theaters and it was hustlers and hookers. | ||
| It was fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah, and they had those weird signs, and the signs would say what dirty movies play in. | ||
| It would be right there as you're driving by. | ||
| There was a lot of them. | ||
| Peep shows, and my friend Johnny used to go to peep shows when he was on crack. | ||
| He said that smoking crack, he goes, you could never get a hot on, but you were always horny. | ||
| So I'd go, and these fucking dirty bitches, they'd be right behind a glass, and I'd pay them, and they'd be right in front of me with their dirty ass, and I'd be jerking off, and I couldn't get a hot on. | ||
| But he goes, but I'd be there all day when I was smoking crack. | ||
| Somehow or another, the people that are smoking crack, they get on those heavy amphetamines, smoking those things, they want to watch a lot of porn. | ||
| It's like a big thing from meth people. | ||
| A lot of meth people like to watch porn. | ||
| I guess it's because they just want to go super dirty. | ||
| They're just dirty. | ||
| You want to get your dick sucked. | ||
| I never liked porn, but when I lived in Aspen and Boulder, and I would pick up chicks like they would like porn, And I'd say, get it. | ||
| You know, I'm not going to watch it. | ||
| I'm just going to snort coke and fucking get my dick sucked. | ||
| When you get cocaine evil, cocaine evil is horrible. | ||
| Because that's how you get your hips moving in the chair. | ||
| Like as she's talking to you, talking about sucking your dick. | ||
| Joe Rogan, your hips start to move the way I am. | ||
| Like my things will be gyrating. | ||
| You're just looking at a porno. | ||
| You know, I've seen girls gyrate in their chairs while they're coked up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like gyrate. | ||
| Like fucking like a savage. | ||
| Like just get all fucking. | ||
| I like all that shit as far as. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I would make a chick. | ||
| If the chicks did some of my coke, she was sucking my dick till that dick got hard. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| You know, you get freaky. | ||
| It's things you want to do, but you can't because you got dead dick. | ||
| Why are you so freaky, though, if your dick's not working? | ||
| Because you just, I don't know. | ||
| You just want it. | ||
| Do you experience this, too? | ||
| You want what you can't get. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Because I know you had a coke thing for a while. | ||
| What did you get into? | ||
| You get hard-ons when you snort a coke? | ||
| I never had a problem not getting a hard-on, ever, with any drug or anything. | ||
| I find that very hard to believe. | ||
| I think once when I was sick, I tried to masturbate when I had a really high temperature in it. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| Once when you're six, you couldn't get it up. | ||
| What do you consider up? | ||
| Is your up like a spongy sort of marshmallow? | ||
| No, I'm talking about like if I get blackout drunk, I have a harder dick than if I didn't have a drunk. | ||
| Okay, next time you get blackout drunk, I'm going to take a picture of your dick. | ||
| So you're going to get it hard. | ||
| You defy the laws of physiology. | ||
| That doesn't even make sense. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| Almost everybody has a problem. | ||
| Not only can I have the biggest hard arm when I'm drunk, I also last stupid and long amounts of time, like an hour and a half. | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| That's because you don't feel as much. | ||
| That happens with me, too. | ||
| I think that's normal. | ||
| When you're drunk, you don't really get off that good. | ||
| I've never had... | ||
| It's such a difference, man. | ||
| People don't smoke weed, don't even know what it fucking feels like. | ||
| When you get high with your woman, and you know, especially if you really love a chick, you've been there a while, you're like really close, you're not fighting, there's no bullshit, there's no animosity, no weirdness, no need, no extra need that's hovering over every fucking conversation you have. | ||
| There's a lot of bad relationships out there, Joey Diaz. | ||
| But if you got a good one, if you got a good one, you smoke weed with your lady and make out, have some sex. | ||
| I tell you, it's incredible. | ||
| It feels 20 times better. | ||
| Like no bullshit. | ||
| When you get high and you just hang out with a chick, it's so much fucking better, even than drinking. | ||
| Drinking always fucked enough for me. | ||
| They got that fucking wine breath and shit. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I don't like alcohol. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I don't like alcohol. | ||
| I like whiskey breath, because you know what? | ||
| That's a chick that's going to make some fucking mistakes. | ||
| We're going to do something crazy. | ||
| You can talk her into some shit. | ||
| I grew up in a bar. | ||
| I like the smell of alcohol. | ||
| I like it if you can keep it together. | ||
| I like a good drunk. | ||
| Oh, I don't mind the drunk. | ||
| I like a drunk that can keep it together. | ||
| We're going to be hanging out with a drunk tonight. | ||
| You're going to hang out with a drunk tonight? | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Oh, I love Bert. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| I might drink tonight because I haven't drank in a week. | ||
| He came on the podcast yesterday and I was just thinking, what a fucking positive guy. | ||
| You know, when we were talking about this whole death squad thing about all of us, one of the most beautiful things is the friends that we've made and that we've formulated this. | ||
| Group of really nice people. | ||
| We could trust all of them. | ||
| You know, like Burt Kreischer, I trust that guy. | ||
| I love Burt. | ||
| I trust him to like always be nice. | ||
| I trust him to always... | ||
| I always want to hug him. | ||
| He's always great to talk to. | ||
| He's a good human being. | ||
| You know, there's so many good human beings. | ||
| Brian Callen, same way. | ||
| He's a great human being. | ||
| I fucking love Brian Callen. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Did we find our brand? | ||
| We've made our brand. | ||
| We've formulated our brand. | ||
| Yeah, what's that from? | ||
| We made our brand last Friday. | ||
| Yeah, what was that from? | ||
| That was the NIT Improv with that kid. | ||
| Oh, who was? | ||
| Thank God you didn't show. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that guy was fucking beating our ear in. | ||
| Talking nonsense, fucking showbiz terms to us. | ||
| We got trapped. | ||
| We got trapped in a weird conversation. | ||
| But you guys really have established your brand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, I think you guys have done an amazing job of establishing your brand. | |
| I'm like, you are speaking. | ||
| Buzzwords! | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Because I wish that everybody at one time got to see New York City in the 80s. | ||
| Just to see that. | ||
| Just to see that. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I used to go to those peep shows as... | ||
| To kill time, I worked on 52nd Street, and when you're 13, you go to see a piece of pussy. | ||
| It was the raunchiest. | ||
| First off, where do they hire the guy to go in there with the mops? | ||
| Because you walk out, and he's right in there with a mop, and that mop picks up that load of sperm. | ||
| You come on the floor. | ||
| There's no tissues in those places. | ||
| You know, when I was a kid, I fought in a really big karate tournament, Madison Square Garden. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, Iron Banks and all that shit. | ||
| Yeah, there was a big karate tournament. | ||
| I was like, maybe 16. I was still in high school. | ||
| Did you walk over there? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't remember much, man. | ||
| I remember there was a lot of fights, and I definitely got tagged in the head a few times. | ||
| Oh, but you didn't go over to the beach shows? | ||
| No, no, I didn't do any of that back then. | ||
| I didn't even believe in pleasure back then. | ||
| I thought that if I needed pleasure, I was weak. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was 16, I didn't even want to fuck. | ||
| Until I got my first girlfriend. | ||
| Then we started fucking like rabbits. | ||
| I was totally right. | ||
| Distracted the shit out of me for a little while. | ||
| But I didn't... | ||
| I tried to avoid sex. | ||
| I wouldn't even fuck my girlfriend in the school. | ||
| Because, you know, I used to teach at my martial arts school. | ||
| So I was in high school. | ||
| And I had keys to this fucking building in downtown LA. Boston. | ||
| Boston, rather. | ||
| Not even downtown Boston. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| It's this building in Boston. | ||
| I would teach there. | ||
| I mean, I would go there. | ||
| And I would also like to go there because I had my car back then. | ||
| I would like to go there and work out when I knew that everybody was asleep. | ||
| I had this crazy thing where I wanted to work out when I knew that everybody that I was fighting was asleep. | ||
| That's when I would go there, like 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I would start my workouts. | ||
| And I was dating this freak bitch. | ||
| And she would go with me. | ||
| She wanted to fuck all the time. | ||
| She was dirty. | ||
| She was so dirty. | ||
| I dated a few really dirty girls when I was young, but this one was just down, down, DTF all day. | ||
| She was just crazy. | ||
| It's amazing when you first start fucking when you're like 15 and 16. That's why I always loved that song Night Moves, that Bob Seger song, because that reminded me of this chick. | ||
| Because me and this chick were just awkward, and we were in love with each other, supposedly, but not really. | ||
| What it really was like, we would just go on these horrendous fuck rampages to try to escape our reality through a relationship, through intense sex, and, you know, just the awkwardness of growing up. | ||
| But that Night Move song. | ||
| I remember Pussy made me get left back in the sixth grade. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let me tell you about that. | ||
| The sixth grade? | ||
| Wait, what is the sixth grade? | ||
| That's 12, right? | ||
| In the sixth grade. | ||
| How old is that? | ||
| I was in love with this girl in New York. | ||
| How old is that? | ||
| 12. She was a skinny little fucking Cuban chick. | ||
| And her father lived downstairs. | ||
| The mother was hot. | ||
| And every afternoon she would say to me, because, you know, I don't know why. | ||
| She'd go, listen, I could date you, but we can't date till school ends. | ||
| That's when my mom says I could date boys. | ||
| So we had to do it. | ||
| And I hung out with her brother. | ||
| Her brother and me didn't like each other. | ||
| And every afternoon I'd bring her over to my house. | ||
| I'd put on earth, wind and fire. | ||
| Can't Hide Love off the fucking, the live album. | ||
| And we dry hump over and over to that song. | ||
| I would suck a little funnel titties. | ||
| And then finally, like they had those little funnel titties in the sixth grade. | ||
| The best was my mother hated when she would be in the room. | ||
| Like my mother would come home and go, what the fuck is she doing in your room? | ||
| Open the goddamn door. | ||
| Respect me. | ||
| Respect me. | ||
| And I would go, come on, come on, huh? | ||
| Yeah, what was the open-the-room shit? | ||
| And one day, my mother paid one of the guys from the bar to go over there and get a ladder. | ||
| My mother and her, I'm dry-humping the girl, and I'm hearing this shit in my backyard. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not gonna fuck. | ||
| I'm dry-humping this bitch. | ||
| And I'm dry-humping this bitch. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I hear, dunk, dunk, dunk. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I hear, oh, pssh. | ||
| My mother paid the guy like 50 bucks to get a ladder and tell her what we were doing in there. | ||
| But the ladder fell. | ||
| They had to take him to the hospital. | ||
| He broke like a finger. | ||
| Broke far off a ladder. | ||
| It's no joke. | ||
| This chick's pussy, bro, by the first time. | ||
| Like it was like she told me I couldn't kiss her. | ||
| Like we couldn't make out and shit to her. | ||
| But this is crazy. | ||
| Because we weren't going to make out until the day after school. | ||
| But she was going to let me lick her little pussy. | ||
| And I remember the first time I smelled this pussy. | ||
| I was like in the sixth grade. | ||
| I fucking just went numb. | ||
| It was like my ears. | ||
| You know, before Michael Corleone shoots Salazzo out of the train, but it's really his deafness from your... | ||
| I didn't know, Joe Rogan. | ||
| My head was hot. | ||
| And I just licked... | ||
| You smell my hand. | ||
| Did it smell like this? | ||
| Your face gets all red. | ||
| Remember the first time you fucked? | ||
| Your face would get red to eat. | ||
| And I remember eating a pussy, and I was done, dog. | ||
| Done. | ||
| I had to eat a pussy every fucking day. | ||
| That's what you did? | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Every day I talk her into coming over. | ||
| Do you think that started your worldwide, lifelong obsession with pussy eating? | ||
| With pussy eating? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| Is it this one girl? | ||
| It sounds like it is. | ||
| It sounds like it's a positive moment for you. | ||
| But I wouldn't need her ass or nothing. | ||
| I was scared of the asshole. | ||
| Stop that. | ||
| I was in the sixth grade. | ||
| I was in the sixth grade. | ||
| And then what happened was we got caught playing hooky, so it was like endless love. | ||
| But our parents told us we couldn't hang out with each other no more. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| I was going to burn the house down and everything. | ||
| And then I got sent to summer school because I wouldn't do homework, bro. | ||
| That's all I would think about. | ||
| I would eat her until 6. | ||
| I would go home and eat dinner, and then we'd get on the phone until 2 in the morning. | ||
| You know, it was fucking Donnie and Marie type shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Kids, you know. | ||
| And our parents didn't let us hang out. | ||
| And I got thrown. | ||
| I was supposed to get to summer school at 8.30. | ||
| So, in fact, I had to go over there instead to eat her pussy because by that time she let me stick it in her a little bit. | ||
| Fingers? | ||
| And I would go fingers and like all that. | ||
| No, was she touching your dick at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| I was such a Catholic little fag prude then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I didn't want to touch my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| If she touched my dick, I didn't want it in my life. | ||
| Did you get boners? | ||
| I got boners. | ||
| I got big dicks I wanted to fuck. | ||
| But in those days, when I was from the age, listen, I got to tell you some guys. | ||
| From the age of 12 to about 17, if a girl grabbed my dick, I'd tell her to get dressed and leave. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was one of those fucking momos. | ||
| I didn't want blowjobs. | ||
| I was looking for a wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I'm looking for a woman. | ||
| I don't want a chick that sucks my dick. | ||
| That means she's a whore. | ||
| And then I remember the first time I got my dick sucked bonafide. | ||
| My buddy Louie Donato, I still remember him. | ||
| He's like, dog, I got this massage place. | ||
| You got to come up there and help me do security. | ||
| I'm like, I'm 18, dog. | ||
| I'm like, how much are you going to pay me? | ||
| He's like, I can't pay you nothing, but I have the chick suck your dick. | ||
| So I just wanted a blowjob. | ||
| So I didn't tell him the truth. | ||
| I went up there one day. | ||
| I go, I'll do security, dog. | ||
| I stood there. | ||
| I go, one of these chicks are going to suck your dick. | ||
| He goes, whenever you want. | ||
| So this chick took me in the back. | ||
| She had a lawn. | ||
| I'll never forget that she sucked my dick. | ||
| And then she goes, you can cut in my hair. | ||
| Dog, I left there fucking mummified. | ||
| He's like, go ahead. | ||
| You got to work the door for a few hours. | ||
| I just went home. | ||
| It took like three showers. | ||
| I didn't talk about it. | ||
| I kind of cried. | ||
| Like, bro, when I was a young kid, I was a prude. | ||
| I was very prudish. | ||
| Did you come in her hair? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Who are you kidding? | ||
| I'm not that much of a proof. | ||
| You know, when somebody lets you come in their hand, and it's their idea... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You know, I'll come in your hair. | ||
| But I didn't like it. | ||
| Like, at that time, I really didn't like that stuff. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I don't even know why. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| I was a prude till fucking a long time, dog. | ||
| Then I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, you probably saw vice. | ||
| You saw so much vice as a kid. | ||
| You saw so many things that you were like, I'm gonna avoid all these problems. | ||
| I'm gonna avoid all this shit that I see around me. | ||
| I see chaos. | ||
| I see death. | ||
| I see loss. | ||
| I'm gonna avoid all this vice. | ||
| That's the only thing that makes sense if you didn't want a girl touching your dick. | ||
| You were obviously rejecting vice. | ||
| Oh, I didn't want nothing. | ||
| I wanted to fuck and suck. | ||
| I was the captain. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, but you didn't want them to touch your dick at all, but you didn't do anything to them. | ||
| Were you worried about doing something? | ||
| What were you worried about? | ||
| I was worried about that they were dirty if they touched my dick. | ||
| If a woman grabbed your dick, she was dirty. | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
| You know how people who don't smoke pot look at people who smoke pot? | ||
| They see hallucinations. | ||
| They see the devil! | ||
| I've had some conversations with really rational people. | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| You tell them you smoke pot and they blow a fuse. | ||
| They don't know how to talk to you anymore. | ||
| You see the hiccup in their system. | ||
| What? | ||
| You smoke pot? | ||
| You know what happened with that girl years later? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Me and that girl became really good friends. | ||
| That girl that we were dry humping and shit. | ||
| I think like two years later we became good friends. | ||
| We were fucking backyard buddies. | ||
| We shed a backyard. | ||
| And I had a friend of mine who stole bicycles. | ||
| And he would always put them together and go, hey, come here. | ||
| Drive this for a couple days. | ||
| Let me know what you think. | ||
| And you drive and then come back and go, you know, the steering wheel's fucked up. | ||
| You got to tighten or whatever. | ||
| He was a mechanic, John. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he gave me this 10-speed one. | ||
| He goes, bro, take it. | ||
| Take it. | ||
| Let me know what you think. | ||
| So I take it. | ||
| I'm playing. | ||
| And it was a bunch of kids. | ||
| I was in the seventh grade because I got left back. | ||
| She was now in the eighth grade. | ||
| I was in the eighth grade and she was a freshman. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| And we were all playing on the same block and she took the bike. | ||
| Somebody said, go to the store. | ||
| She took the bike. | ||
| And I go, where's the bike? | ||
| And they said, New Yorker took it. | ||
| She's going to the store. | ||
| This was a block that was circular. | ||
| What do you call those blocks? | ||
| Cul-de-sacs? | ||
| Cul-de-sacs. | ||
| And the middle has like an island? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So I was on one side of the street playing two-hand football, and she was riding the bike this way. | ||
| So me and my friends started running at her. | ||
| Bro, the steering is loose. | ||
| But she thought we were going to fucking chase her. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like we were chasing to take the bike away from her. | ||
| I'm like, no, take the bike. | ||
| But the steering was loose. | ||
| Don't make a turn. | ||
| So she's giggling, bro. | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| And she went to make the turn. | ||
| She flew over it. | ||
| Landed. | ||
| We got up. | ||
| She went home. | ||
| The next day, I walked to school. | ||
| And they're like, come here for a second. | ||
| Remember your girlfriend? | ||
| She's in critical condition. | ||
| She landed on the head and got a blood clot in the middle of the fucking night. | ||
| She had to shave her head. | ||
| Let me tell you how good looking this girl was. | ||
| She's still one homecoming queen with the bald fucking head, though. | ||
| So what'd they do? | ||
| They have to open our skull? | ||
| They have to open her skull. | ||
| And the weird thing was that she was always flat-chested. | ||
| After I bumped her head, her tits got gigantic. | ||
| A bump to the head made her tits. | ||
| But it was really bad because our families were mad at each other. | ||
| And I remember one day, her brother was like a dick. | ||
| He didn't like me. | ||
| And him and his father came over my house, liked to talk to me. | ||
| But my stepfather was in the yard. | ||
| That's the first time I seen him pull a gun on somebody in Jersey. | ||
| Like, I never seen him pull a gun on somebody in Jersey. | ||
| That's the time he went out there and he goes with that.45. | ||
| These motherfuckers got back in their Corvette. | ||
| And they turned around because they knew my dad had a reputation, but not in Jersey. | ||
| He was like, not in Jersey. | ||
| This is his house. | ||
| He didn't want any problems. | ||
| He would hide his guns in his yard so they wouldn't be in his house. | ||
| We were out there mowing the lawn. | ||
| We seen the white Corvette, bro. | ||
| And I go, Dad, that's the guy. | ||
| New Yorker Reese's father. | ||
| My dad looked at me. | ||
| He didn't even hesitate. | ||
| He just bent right over. | ||
| You lived a Martin Scorsese movie, dude. | ||
| That was fucking crazy. | ||
| It would be a good Martin Scorsese movie, too. | ||
| Martin, get on it. | ||
| By the way. | ||
| Get on it. | ||
| Holla at Joey Diaz. | ||
| Holla at me, cock lickers. | ||
| I love you, motherfuckers. | ||
| Tonight, it's almost sold out. | ||
| The Ice House in Pasadena. | ||
| It is going to be a goddamn spectacular extravaganza of a show. | ||
| We got Randy Lipke is hosting this bitch. | ||
| We got Tom Rhodes all up in this motherfucker. | ||
| We got Dom Herrera. | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
| We got Sam Tripoli. | ||
| We got Brian Redband. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Doug Benson. | ||
| Doug Benson's all up in this bitch. | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Taking a cab up there because you don't want to drive. | ||
| Yeah, Bert's got a car. | ||
| Bert takes a fucking car. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a car service so he can just throw down. | ||
| And me. | ||
| So we're all up there tonight. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| An insane lineup. | ||
| It's a tremendous lineup. | ||
| For $15. | ||
| $15. | ||
| They should add three fucking shows to it. | ||
| And by the way, we do it all the time. | ||
| And it's fun as fuck and we love it. | ||
| We love doing shows there in Pasadena. | ||
| When Joey and I have a big show this weekend in Denver at the Paramount Theater, these shows get us fired up for it. | ||
| This is how you tune in. | ||
| This is how you tune up. | ||
| Last week was fucking incredible, man. | ||
| So was the improv, man. | ||
| The improv was fucking incredible. | ||
| That Friday night was amazing. | ||
| And Amy Schumer was great, too. | ||
| She was awesome, man. | ||
| She was awesome. | ||
| I got a slow fucking debt. | ||
| I couldn't get them until the end. | ||
| They didn't like me in the beginning. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They weren't our regular people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, that club's kind of uncomfortable for me, honestly. | ||
| I always do good, you know. | ||
| Sometimes I do good. | ||
| That's exactly the same. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That was a little weird. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| You start off first. | ||
| So going up first is always harder. | ||
| Going up first is a weird thing. | ||
| You got to get them in the groove. | ||
| They're not losing enough. | ||
| You should have asked me. | ||
| Nah, I went up there too fast. | ||
| You were sick. | ||
| You were sick then. | ||
| I went up there too fast. | ||
| You would start thinking about the last set you had there. | ||
| Oh, no, I have my new, because of that club, and because of my last set there, I have 10 minutes of clean material now. | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should always have just tools. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can just whip out. | ||
| Throw that in the back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not even just, they just don't know you. | ||
| Like, your comedy is so weird, and if someone knows you, then it makes sense. | ||
| But it's like, uh, there's so many comics that that's the case. | ||
| Like, when someone, like, not that you're Mitch Hedberg, but Mitch Hedberg used to bomb all the fucking time if people didn't know him. | ||
| Then once they knew him, then people would come to see it, you know? | ||
| But you're a fucking weirdo, dude. | ||
| And people don't know why you're throwing cum on the wall in a hotel room. | ||
| Like, the fuck is this idiot doing? | ||
| Doesn't even make sense. | ||
| You know, you're a grown man. | ||
| You're not 12 years old. | ||
| You know, like saying some cutesy shit. | ||
| You're almost 40 and you're talking about throwing loads like Spider-Man on the walls. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And people are like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So until they know you from the podcast, that's a tough pill to swallow, son. | ||
| But once they know you, they're like, oh, silly Red Pan. | ||
| Oh, silly. | ||
| And also tonight we have the Ice House Chronicles that goes off about 10-ish. | ||
| We usually do it about a half an hour before the podcast, and if you want to tune into that, it's going to be right here on this motherfucker, right here on this Ustream channel, bitches. | ||
| Brian, you've got to rename these. | ||
| All these that say Joe Rogan Live, I thought you were going to go back and rename these. | ||
| That would take forever. | ||
| Yeah, well, you've got to do that, dude. | ||
| You've got to do that. | ||
| You can't just have Joe Rogan Live and not know on Ustream. | ||
| Who uses Ustream now? | ||
| A lot of people do, dude. | ||
| Why don't they use Vimeo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| Or YouTube. | ||
| They use this too. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| The amount of people that re-watch it on Ustream instead of YouTube or Vimeo is like.0007%. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Not only is that not true, you don't know. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that take clips off of these things. | ||
| Off of YouTube and Vimeo. | ||
| It's hard for them to find with the... | ||
| No, it's not off YouTube. | ||
| It's also on Ustream. | ||
| A lot of these have a lot of views, man. | ||
| A lot of these have a lot of views. | ||
| I know, and it happens before it goes up on Vimeo. | ||
| Once it's on Vimeo, the amount of people, once it's on Vimeo and YouTube, like.0000007. | ||
| That's all good, but it still has thousands of views. | ||
| Yeah, because it happens before. | ||
| But Brian, they still need to be labeled. | ||
| They need to be labeled. | ||
| We've talked about this before. | ||
| You can't just not label them. | ||
| That's just crazy. | ||
| What should happen is when I label it at the end of every podcast, it should save the label, but for some reason it doesn't. | ||
| Yeah, there is a glitch, but we still have to label them. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Get it together, cocksuckers. | ||
| Get it together, cocksuckers. | ||
| No, Brian, this is the Ustream. | ||
| Just say, just watch the Ustream. | ||
| You said that. | ||
| Yeah, you fucked up, pal. | ||
| If there's any reason to watch it on Ustream, there's no reason to watch it on Ustream when it's on Twitter. | ||
| Brian, if they want to watch it on Ustream, they should be able to watch it on Ustream. | ||
| It's on Ustream. | ||
| It needs to be labeled. | ||
| Anywhere it is, it needs to be labeled. | ||
| You can't just watch it and find out who the guest is. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| We need to label it. | ||
| I think everybody on Twitter would agree. | ||
| I think the majority of people are probably watching it on YouTube or Vimeo. | ||
| No, they're watching it right now on Ustream, and they might go back to it and watch it again. | ||
| Thousands of people do. | ||
| This is a silly conversation, Brian. | ||
| Yeah, I asked you to do it, and you didn't do it. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Now you told me to start doing it, and I have been doing it the whole time. | ||
| I said we have to go back and relabel them, too, Brian. | ||
| Yeah, that's insane how long that will take. | ||
| Oh my god, that's a job, Brian. | ||
| That's what part of having a job is. | ||
| Don't forget to come to the Ice House. | ||
| You're not even doing those videos anymore. | ||
| You told me to stop recording so we have time, right? | ||
| To give you more time. | ||
| To give you more time for shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To give you more time for other shit that you need to do. | |
| I'll hire somebody to do that. | ||
| I'll pay him 20 bucks to do it. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| And Brendan Walsh, we're doing a tremendous show. | ||
| Make sure you go. | ||
| You know this is a silly conversation, right? | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| A lot of people have to do things in their job they don't want to do. | ||
| I know, but what I'm saying is, if you go to JoeRogan.net, where everyone goes to watch an old episode of... | ||
| Brian, I know your point. | ||
| I know your point, but the bottom line is, it's on the internet, on Ustream. | ||
| This is the channel where people watch the show live when they want to watch the show live, and none of those things are labeled. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But what I'm saying is, if you're going, hey, I want to watch Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz right now, I'm going to go to Joe Rogan's website. | ||
| Oh, there it is. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to go to ustream.tv backslash Joe Rogan. | |
| Yes, they would, because that's where they watch it live. | ||
| You don't think they bookmark that? | ||
| They watch it live all the time. | ||
| I know it sucks, and I know I'll have somebody do it, but I'm just saying, it's really ridiculous to watch it on an inferior... | ||
| The version on Vimeo? | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| The version on YouTube? | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Both of those are easily on your phones, on your DVD players, on your TVs. | ||
| I totally understand that. | ||
| I totally understand that. | ||
| However, it is there, and people do watch it, so it needs to be labeled. | ||
| There's one guy somewhere in Iowa. | ||
| There's a lot of people, dude. | ||
| There's thousands of views on all these videos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All that shit counts. | ||
| That's right now. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That, maybe, and a little bit in the future. | ||
| But they need to know what they're watching. | ||
| It's not that big a deal, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not. | |
| You're not working in Malaysia. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Fucking farming yaks. | ||
| Right, Joe Diaz? | ||
| Talk to this kid. | ||
| Tell him. | ||
| Straighten him out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro, he's a good man. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I don't understand what's going on. | ||
| and all I know is tomorrow night, Friday night, Paramount Theater, 8 o'clock, Brendan Walsh, Joe Rogan taking off the fucking hooks, Joey Diaz, Ready to Rock, Stone to the Gills, and then we're at the Mandalay Bay Event Center, the whole fucking Dead Squad crew, the Flying Jew, Duncan Trussell, Joey Diaz, and my man, the fucking Duncan Trussell, Joey Diaz, and my man, the fucking headliner, Joe Rogan, where else we going, Doug? | ||
| The Mandalay Bay one's going to be big. | ||
| We're doing the weigh-ins. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, where the weigh-ins are for the UFC, it seats like, I think it's like 3,000 people. | ||
| That's what we're doing. | ||
| We're doing, when they block it off for the weigh-ins, that's the area we're going to do comedy at. | ||
| And it was the idea of Mandalay Bay, because we used to do that theater that they had, what was the show? | ||
| The Lion King. | ||
| And they changed that. | ||
| They're doing a new Michael Jackson-type thing, and they're building it up right now. | ||
| So that thing is closed, so it was their idea to do that. | ||
| So this is the first time we're ever doing this. | ||
| We're going to do the Mandalay Bay Theater. | ||
| And that's August 31st. | ||
| And again, that's Ari Shafir, Joe Diaz, Duncan Trussell, and me. | ||
| So it's going to be fun as fuck. | ||
| And if you're not doing nothing next Wednesday, you're in Nashville, Chattanooga, fucking Atlanta, fucking Michigan, Mississippi. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| I'm coming to Nashville. | ||
| Zaney's Wednesday, 8 o'clock, 615-269-0221. | ||
| Get your fucking tickets now. | ||
| There's a couple of them left here. | ||
| We need to do pay-per-view Joey Diaz storytelling shows. | ||
| Those shows that you're doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good idea. | |
| Put that shit up. | ||
| Put that shit up. | ||
| Well, you know, it was like number 29 today on iTunes. | ||
| How many of those have you done so far? | ||
| I got five of them. | ||
| The one that we just taped, I got a problem with. | ||
| The one before wasn't that good, so we scrapped it. | ||
| And their audios? | ||
| And their audios, yeah. | ||
| I'm putting them up on iTunes. | ||
| Those are fucking great. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Testicle testaments. | ||
| What do I give a fuck? | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I just want people to get this. | ||
| This one's good. | ||
| It's a kidnapping story. | ||
| So the first one, I hit you hard. | ||
| I don't fuck around. | ||
| Okay, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| So it's 10 to 7 right now on the West Coast. | ||
| And at 10 o'clock, so three hours from now, we will have the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| And you can watch it live on this Ustream channel that Brian thinks that nobody goes to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they watch it live. | |
| Ustream's awesome for live broadcasting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I'm fucking around, dude. | ||
| I love you guys. | ||
| We love all you guys. | ||
| Thank you very much for all the positive Twitter messages and all the positive Facebook messages. | ||
| You guys are cool as fuck. | ||
| I made a commitment to start using Facebook again. | ||
| I'm going to write longer blog posts and shit and just put them up there. | ||
| You guys are the shit. | ||
| We have the coolest crowds in the world that come to these shows and don't think we don't appreciate it because we talk about it all the time. | ||
| Brian talks about it all the time. | ||
| I do. | ||
| We get on the phone after shows sometimes and we can't believe it. | ||
| We're the luckiest people alive. | ||
| In the fucking world. | ||
| And we appreciate you guys and we support you guys 100%. | ||
| The reason why we're doing this is because we love to do it and we love it because you guys love it. | ||
| It all feeds itself and it all marches on the beautiful life that we live. | ||
| Use the mind, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Find the direct path. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com. | ||
| Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN. Save yourself off 10%. | ||
| Save yourself off? | ||
| 10% off Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| Shroom Tech Sport is this shit if you work out hard. | ||
| Take it, son. | ||
| It's about quarter-sips mushrooms and B12. Take a B12 supplement if you're a vegan. | ||
| Otherwise, it makes your brain shrink. | ||
| Anyway, that's it. | ||
| That's it for this week. | ||
| We'll see you guys soon. | ||
| We love you guys. | ||
| Next week, we've got a whole lot of people. | ||
| I'm not sure if Dice Clay's still doing it, but I believe Jamie Kilstein's coming in. | ||
| We've got a lot of shit happening, folks. | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
| We love you guys. |
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