July 4, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
39:38
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| We're out there, ladies and gentlemen, without a net. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you today by marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
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Totally. | |
| Let's be honest. | ||
|
unidentified
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Let's just start from the beginning and say that. | |
| Yeah, let's say that. | ||
| We thank a lot of things on this podcast, as we have our sponsors. | ||
| We thank people, like the Coconut Water people, who are not really a sponsor, Alienware. | ||
| Who's not really a sponsor, but goddammit, we need to thank marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| We really do. | ||
|
unidentified
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And fuck naked coconut water. | |
| Is that the shit? | ||
| Yeah, that stuff is terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
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I saw you tweet that. | |
| Oh, it's so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's totally different than C2O. C2O is delicious and sweet. | |
| Spoiled. | ||
| People who have had the crappy coconut water, they always talk shit about coconut water. | ||
| They're like, why do you drink that? | ||
| Are you trying to be trendy? | ||
| You have no... | ||
| I had no idea, okay? | ||
| I found out from my friend Edwin. | ||
| He came into jiu-jitsu class and we had... | ||
| You know, we do mostly no gi jiu-jitsu, but every now and then guys decide to have like a Brazil night. | ||
| So they put like gis on and brought coconut water. | ||
| And dude gave me a coconut water, and I was like, well, that was nice. | ||
| And, you know, I was like looking forward to this fucking watered-down elephant load sort of a taste. | ||
| You know, it's a terrible taste. | ||
| And instead it was sweet and delicious. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck kind of coconut water is this? | ||
| That's how I found out about C2O. I kept the can and then went online and ordered it on Amazon. | ||
| And as soon as it got there, I was like, well, let's see if this stuff is just like the stuff that he had. | ||
|
unidentified
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By the way, those cans are hardcore. | |
| I bet that when people go through trash and they find those, they're like, oh, fucking jackpot. | ||
| I bet those things are worth like $2 or something. | ||
| They would be really good if the end of the world was coming, you wanted to make some sort of a can raft, seal them all up together. | ||
|
unidentified
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Totally. | |
| That would work. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, that's hardcore. | |
| Yeah, it's so delicious. | ||
| If you've never liked coconut water, you need to try one of two things. | ||
| First of all, fresh coconut water. | ||
| Coconut water that's not pasteurized. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whole foods. | |
| They sell it with it already drilled and it has a sticker over it and then just peel the sticker off and drink right from it. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| That is the best. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes. | |
| What you can get, that is the best. | ||
| But C2O is a close fucking second. | ||
| And when I'm writing, especially when I'm brainstorming in my office, I've got that little refrigerator right next to my desk. | ||
| I'll drink four or five of those bitches. | ||
| I've got to get up to pee every 40 minutes. | ||
| But they're so good. | ||
| When you're working out hard and you drink some coconut water, it feels like the best thing ever. | ||
| Gatorade feels pretty good when you're tired and you work out and you need something that's a little more potent than just water. | ||
| Gatorade feels good, but coconut water feels fucking amazing. | ||
| It's so delicious. | ||
| And you feel like you're a healthy savage out there drinking some tropical fruit juice. | ||
| It's not even juice, it's water. | ||
| It's delicious shit. | ||
| Super good for you, too. | ||
|
unidentified
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I like that when you have the actual coconut, though, because then you get to kind of eat the coconut on the inside with like a spoon. | |
| You know, C2O just told me they're going to send me a new case that has pulp in it. | ||
| So it's like we had those from Amy and Brian's, which I like them. | ||
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unidentified
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You like the pulp? | |
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| You're drinking something and there's like little chunky chewy things inside of it. | ||
| But I like it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, it's like goobers. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's coconut. | ||
| It's like you're getting a little chewy coconut. | ||
| You're getting a little fiber with the milk. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's a weird thing, though. | ||
| It's an acquired taste. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's like olives. | |
| You ever had chia seeds? | ||
| Like a chia drink? | ||
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unidentified
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Like the stuff that makes the pet grow? | |
| The stuff that you sprinkle on the cheese. | ||
| Well, could you imagine if somehow or another that was a drug? | ||
| Well, you know, that is the case with morning glory seeds. | ||
|
unidentified
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Did you know that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Morning glory seeds are like super psychedelic, apparently. | ||
| Some of them are. | ||
| Apparently, they've done something to some of the morning glory seeds that they sell in certain places. | ||
| You've got to be careful that they weren't chemically treated to kill the psychoactive effect of them, apparently. | ||
| But if you get, like, pure morning glory seeds, it has a very, like, LSD-type effect to it. | ||
| That's pretty fucked up. | ||
| Brian, did I lose you? | ||
|
unidentified
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No, I was just thinking of how I was going to bring this into a fleshlight commercial. | |
| We're rolling, dude. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
|
unidentified
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Should I take off this logo off your face so they can see the beautiful Joe Rogan? | |
| No, don't even do that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Don't even? | |
| Just tease him like that? | ||
| Let's stay in the darkness. | ||
|
unidentified
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All right. | |
| Thanks to... | ||
| Let's fucking mix shit up. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com. | ||
| Let's go with them first. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Why not? | ||
|
unidentified
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I guess I could have a boner during this one. | |
| Let's get crazy. | ||
| Let's close strong with the fleshlight. | ||
|
unidentified
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All right. | |
| We have at Onnit.com, that's O-N-N-I-T, just in battle ropes and kettle bells. | ||
| It's the newest products. | ||
| If you're familiar with anybody who's ever done any sort of mixed martial arts training, if you've ever watched the UFC countdown shows, two really popular methods of conditioning are kettle bells, And ropes. | ||
| I personally have never used the battle ropes and I'm looking forward to doing it but I'm a big proponent of kettlebells. | ||
| It's essentially the only way I lift weights these days. | ||
| I feel like it gives me like what it is if you've never seen before it looks like a bowling ball with a handle on it. | ||
| It's a giant ball of lead and you know you can get them as light as 10 pounds and you can get them you know heavy up You know, you get 70-pounders and some dudes can throw around like 120-pounders, like big, giant, crazy dudes. | ||
| Really unnecessary, though, if you want to get a great workout, you can get a great workout with a 35-pound kettlebell. | ||
| It sounds ridiculous, but there are some, by the way, which are sold out now because we've been talking about them on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Yeah, you can't get that. | ||
| Try buying those videos that we talked about, that extreme kettlebell cardio workout. | ||
| Dudes are texting me saying that they're sold out everywhere now. | ||
| So I'm glad because it's a really good product. | ||
| And I make no money from that. | ||
| I just want to let you know. | ||
| Just letting people know what the fuck is good. | ||
|
unidentified
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I think I just got shocked. | |
| I think you did too. | ||
| I saw you move funny. | ||
| I thought maybe it was a spider bite and you were going to turn into a fucking Spider-Man. | ||
| I thought this was some sort of viral marketing. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jesus Christ. | |
| Isn't there a new Spider-Man this weekend? | ||
|
unidentified
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This place is haunted tonight. | |
| It's not haunted, man. | ||
| We've got issues. | ||
|
unidentified
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I just got shocked. | |
| You're going to be okay, sweetie. | ||
| Ow. | ||
| Anyway, Onnit.com, go check it out. | ||
| I took my three alpha brains right before the show. | ||
| What is alpha brain, Joe? | ||
| It is a cognitive enhancing supplement. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It's called a nootropic. | ||
| What they are is they're essentially nutrients that are supposed to increase your brain's ability to produce neurotransmitters. | ||
| Now, that coming out of my mouth is just really a bunch of noise because I'm way too fucking stupid to understand the science behind any of that. | ||
| Thankfully, there have been some really intelligent people that have sort of deciphered it. | ||
| If you go to Onnit.com, There is a link where you can see the science behind on it and the science behind nootropics. | ||
| And I suggest if you're interested in any sort of vitamin or supplement or anything that you're going to put into your body, you should do a little research on it. | ||
| I mean, people don't like to do that, so I just like to take things. | ||
| But there's a lot of research, pro and con, about nootropics and about even vitamins. | ||
| I'm a very strong believer in health and nutrition and vitamins. | ||
| I'm a really strong believer in eating really good food, but I also believe that you help your body with nutrients. | ||
| I've had personal health issues that I've helped with vitamins. | ||
| I know they have a positive effect on your body. | ||
| I think you have to just be careful about what you take into your body on a regular basis. | ||
| And if you're interested, In any sort of nootropic formula, whether it's Onnit, Alphabrain, or Bill Romanowski stuff, Neuro One that I've talked about before, or any of a number of mixtures that people put together online, just Google it. | ||
| Google. | ||
| Look into that shit. | ||
| If you're interested in getting Alphabrain, the first 30 pills, when you buy any of our supplements, the first 30 pills are 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| If you don't like it, you don't even have to send back in the product. | ||
| You just say, this isn't for me. | ||
| That's how confident we are, first of all, in the product and how much we really want to make sure that nobody feels like they're getting ripped off. | ||
| That's just a fact. | ||
| And if you buy it and you don't like it and then we're done, it's okay. | ||
| Everybody's different. | ||
| I could not tell you how your brain functions. | ||
| I could not tell you how your body feels. | ||
| I know for a fact that there's some supplements that I enjoy, that other people don't enjoy, and some shit that they use that I try and it doesn't do anything for me. | ||
| Everybody's system is slightly tweaked in one way or the other. | ||
| So we want to make sure that no one feels ripped off. | ||
| But these are really good products and they're products that I have been involved with long before I was in a business relationship with them. | ||
| I've always been a fan of nootropics and vitamins period. | ||
| Go check it out. | ||
| Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, use the codename Rogan, save yourself 10% off. | ||
| We're also brought to you by our first and Our longest friend in this podcast venture, the Fleshlight. | ||
|
unidentified
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I just came already from battle ropes. | |
| Now I don't even have a hard-on for this Fleshlight. | ||
| Why? | ||
| How did you come from battle ropes? | ||
|
unidentified
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Because I was thinking about them. | |
| Battle ropes make you come? | ||
| Girls with really big boobs swinging those battle ropes around naked. | ||
| I would think that you would be worried about that because those girls maybe could kill you with their hands. | ||
| And a girl could whip those battle rubs around. | ||
|
unidentified
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Did you know Fleshlights sell toys now for women? | |
| Like really high-end vibrators? | ||
| Like big dicks? | ||
|
unidentified
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No, no, like really good vibrators now. | |
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, for women. | |
| They're new? | ||
|
unidentified
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They're new products? | |
| Like high-end versions. | ||
| High-end? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Like a Mercedes? | ||
| Like what is it? | ||
|
unidentified
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Well, not just like a cheap-ass, you know... | |
| Crappy rabbit or something like that. | ||
| What is the best one? | ||
| Is there like a fleshlight of dildos? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| What is it? | ||
| Is it the rabbit or something? | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm paranoid. | |
| I'm getting shocked. | ||
| Yeah, you could die over there. | ||
| If you die over there, I want you to know I love you. | ||
| I'm so selfish. | ||
| I don't care if you die. | ||
| I just want you to think good about me before you die. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know what I'm doing over here. | |
| I'm getting shocked. | ||
| Maybe we should just wrap up these questions. | ||
| I'm scared to touch everything now. | ||
| Apparently, Fleshlight has dildos. | ||
| Well, Brian, we would know. | ||
| He is the expert. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah. | |
| If there's a guy looking for dildos, I would say, do you think Brian knows what he's talking about? | ||
| I'd be like, oh, yeah, he knows. | ||
| That's part of Brian's charm. | ||
| He knows shit about dildos. | ||
|
unidentified
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Female toys. | |
| If you go to Fleshlight.com, they have a thing for female toys. | ||
|
unidentified
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And one of them is, it looks like... | |
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, okay. | |
| I think these are the kinds that are the enjoys. | ||
| See, dudes would be way happier with vibrators and dildos and stuff if they weren't shaped like dicks. | ||
| If, like, the best thing for a woman's pussy was, like, something, you know, mechanical and boxy looking. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, with a tongue. | ||
| And you just clamp it on the clint and it just... | ||
| If that was like a real sex toy, we would be cool with that. | ||
| I think what trips guys out is these giant monster phallics. | ||
| You know, these giant phallic symbols. | ||
| These giant dildos. | ||
| These fake dicks. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, they sell Lelos. | |
| No, that makes sense. | ||
| They don't make them. | ||
| Lelos are really high-end vibrators. | ||
| Like, that's what all the girls in I know. | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| The flashlight sells those? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, they sell them on their own. | |
| Yeah, they just sell Lelos, which is the best. | ||
| Those are the ones that, you know, they're like the alien wares. | ||
| The alien wares of dildos. | ||
| Wow, that's really sweet. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Brian, you are a silly bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
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You're a silly bitch. | |
| How dare you? | ||
| Anyway, Fleshlight has been a long time sponsor of the podcast. | ||
| It's an embarrassing subject for some folks. | ||
| It makes me cringe whenever we have a serious guest on the podcast. | ||
| I have to mention the fact that we're sponsored by a rubber pussy. | ||
| But it's a good product, folks. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| Everybody needs to settle the fuck down. | ||
|
unidentified
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Alright. | |
| Hit the music. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN and save yourself 15% off. | ||
| The number one sex toy for men. | ||
| That's right, bitches! | ||
| And just when you thought it was impossible to do that commercial any differently. | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day! | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast by night! | ||
| All day! | ||
| That's a nice one. | ||
| Josh Barnett. | ||
| Josh Barnett is one of those old school savages that will actually try to drive a 1969 Oldsmobile. | ||
| He like drives that shit like it's a regular car. | ||
| Like he actually gets on the highway and is like, I'm gonna go somewhere in my 1969 Oldsmobile. | ||
| So his crazy ass... | ||
| Drove all the way from Orange County on the 405, which is stopped dead like a parking lot 90% of the time. | ||
| So he drove... | ||
| That's a big exaggeration. | ||
| It's not even 50% of the time. | ||
| But when it's stopped dead, it's a motherfucker. | ||
| It is a motherfucker. | ||
| It's hard to wrap your head around how long it's going to take you because if you look, there's like... | ||
| Is there five or six lanes on each side? | ||
| In some spots, at least five. | ||
| At least five, maybe six lanes on each side. | ||
| And when I am talking about, there's no room. | ||
| It's just all car for miles. | ||
| There's no space in between the cars. | ||
| So even if they started at the beginning, they start at the front of the line, and that guy moves ahead, and the next guy moves behind him, and they all pick up speed to highway speed, you're there for a fucking hour. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Because just getting these cars to move is insane. | ||
| It gives you this sense of futility. | ||
| It's like, you look at it and you're like, these numbers are impossible. | ||
| Is anybody monitoring these numbers? | ||
| What happens when they get completely untenable? | ||
| What happens when they're just unmanageable? | ||
| What happens when it's just so beyond belief, when there's so many cars, no one can move anywhere? | ||
| What do we do then? | ||
|
unidentified
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We fly. | |
| I'll tell you what we don't do. | ||
| We don't drive 1969 Oldsmobiles on the highway like they're real cars. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm having so much fun with my car. | |
| I haven't owned a car that I've enjoyed for a very long time. | ||
| I now enjoy flying around in my car. | ||
| Yeah, well, when you get used to a nimble car that can move around. | ||
| We were talking about this earlier. | ||
| I was actually talking about it with the staff. | ||
| When you see a 1969 Corvette or something like that, that's like a work of art made by a bunch of people in a factory. | ||
| They put that thing together and they screwed those bolts in place and they made that thing. | ||
| And it has this work of art sort of a quality to it that makes it really cool. | ||
| But those things drive like shit. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Those things are ridiculously bad. | ||
| They're not balanced right. | ||
| They go around corners all fucked up. | ||
| Like, old muscle cars are the dopiest fucking things to drive ever. | ||
| They're really dangerous for the most part, unless you've completely upgraded their brakes. | ||
| You know, like I was talking to Bill Burr. | ||
| Bill Burr has like a 1950 pickup truck. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's so cool. | |
| It's so cool. | ||
| It sounds awesome. | ||
| It's like you open the hood. | ||
| You could climb in there with the engine and, you know, polish it with a toothbrush. | ||
| I mean, it's so big. | ||
| I mean, the whole thing is just ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
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And you look at it and you can actually think like, oh, I could actually work on this car if I had to. | |
| You know, like I worked on my car growing up. | ||
| My dad made me work on cars growing up and I actually could see like, all right, that's the engine. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's the, you know, the Alternator. | |
| That's the clutch. | ||
| That is the thrill about those kind of cars. | ||
| You can go to some dealership and buy old parts for an old Corvette. | ||
| You can order them. | ||
| You can go somewhere. | ||
| I know year one they make parts for all old cars. | ||
| They make replacement fenders. | ||
| They started manufacturing shit. | ||
| Because so many people loved taking old cars and redoing them. | ||
| And this Josh Barnett is silly for that shit. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| He loves cars. | ||
| If you look at his Twitter, it's all death metal and muscle cars. | ||
| Josh Barnett's a savage. | ||
| He's a legit savage. | ||
| You look at him, he's clearly got some crazy Viking gene thing going on. | ||
| He wants to dominate the world. | ||
| He drives muscle cars and listens to death metal. | ||
| It's going to be a fucking awesome podcast, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm excited. | |
| It's epic. | ||
| But right now, he's stuck in traffic. | ||
| So what's up? | ||
|
unidentified
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This weekend's gonna be fun, man. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We're gonna have a great UFC. Yeah, this weekend is Chael Sonnen versus Anderson Silva 2, the rematch. | ||
| That's gonna be scary. | ||
|
unidentified
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You should stay an extra day and do the rehab thing with us. | |
| Yeah, why don't you talk about what you're doing, because I don't know if I will be able to. | ||
|
unidentified
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We're in talks right now, and it might start as early as Sunday. | |
| If you're in talks, maybe you shouldn't announce it. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, no, it's fine. | |
| It's already... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We already announced it on that last night a show. | ||
| I didn't mean like completely tease them. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Just a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Okay. | |
| I will. | ||
| Yeah, every Sunday we're going to start podcasting live from rehab, which is at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. | ||
| You should bring penicillin with you to Vegas. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, I know. | |
| I think it's dangerous. | ||
| I think I have to really, like, I'm going to fly in, do it, and fly out. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah, totally. | |
| You're totally going to do that. | ||
| I think I'm going to start doing that. | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| I'm just going to go all in. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to be careful. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, that's dangerous, right? | |
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| Your liver. | ||
|
unidentified
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But I guess the DJ is the guy from Jersey Shore. | |
| Which one? | ||
| Pauly? | ||
|
unidentified
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No, the one that always has the really nice hair. | |
| That... | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| I think that's Pauly D. His hair sticks straight up. | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| He DJs the whole thing. | ||
| I met the situation when we were in Houston. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's a nice guy, right? | |
| He's a very nice guy. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| Give me a big hug. | ||
| Really friendly. | ||
| Not a bad guy at all. | ||
| I think it's funny. | ||
| He's trying to make something out of an opportunity. | ||
| Came up. | ||
| The kid ran with him. | ||
| He's got a great personality. | ||
| People like him. | ||
| You can make fun of him all day, but that kid's making millions of dollars by showing his abs. | ||
| And he's just partying. | ||
| It's really kind of cute. | ||
| He ain't a bad guy. | ||
| He ain't a bad guy at all. | ||
| I mean, I see him on the show. | ||
| Look, followed me around when I was 21. You'd think I was a way bigger douchebag than that guy. | ||
| He ain't a bad guy. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, it's up to be UFC and then maybe rehab and then Doug Benson's show. | |
| Where's Doug Benson's show? | ||
|
unidentified
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Palm Station. | |
| Sunday night? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, he's doing a live podcast type thing. | |
| I predict chaos. | ||
| Doug Benson. | ||
|
unidentified
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The whole weekend. | |
| They better not try to smoke weed at a Doug Benson show at the Palace Casinos. | ||
| You've got to be careful about that. | ||
| Because a lot of people in Vegas are from old school Vegas. | ||
| If you ever fear and loathing in Las Vegas, the classic work of my favorite author, Hunter Thompson, and he had that whole thing about they were on their way to Barstow when the drugs began to take hold. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking great, but that Vegas of, like, fear and everything was illegal, and if you got caught with pot, you would do life in jail. | ||
| Like, if they pulled you over for pot, you could do 20 fucking years, and that's not bullshit. | ||
| And there's probably a lot of people who did. | ||
| Probably a lot of kids who got high in California, drove on the way to Vegas and got arrested, and spent years in jail. | ||
| I mean, it's really scary. | ||
| It's scary to stop and think about that. | ||
| And the people that are running a lot of those casinos, those guys have been... | ||
| Well, I started out in the Dunes in 69, and then I moved over to, you know, those fucking old school guys, they don't fuck around, man. | ||
| You can't be thinking you're going to light up joints at one of those local casinos, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Oh, no, you just don't do it. | ||
| I mean, that's why you just drink heavily and make really bad decisions, and you don't remember anything, and it stays there. | ||
| And it's the Palace Station. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, Palace Station Sunday. | |
| Those are all owned by Zufa. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, well, the same guys. | ||
| The same guys, the Fertitta Brothers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| I should say the Fertitta Brothers own Zufa and Zufa owns UFC because that's actually how it works. | ||
| But yeah, they got some cash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I could get in trouble and I'll be safe? | |
| Don't say that. | ||
| No, it might be the exact opposite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You might be a liability. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He might dig a hole for you out there in the fucking sand. | ||
| Listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Old school. | |
| Keep it together. | ||
| Keep it together, Rykel. | ||
| No, I just don't think that Doug should encourage anybody to spark up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't even think of that. | |
| Yeah, I'm going to have to be in watch. | ||
| There's places we can get away with that. | ||
| But most places, no. | ||
| Especially Doug knows that. | ||
| You can't smoke a cigarette in a theater. | ||
| The same reason why you can't smoke a joint. | ||
| Because I don't want you lighting something on fire, you stupid fuck. | ||
| I don't trust you. | ||
| Who knows who's got pure moonshine in their fucking soda bottle. | ||
| And they spill it, and then someone drops a lighter on it, and we're fucked. | ||
| And there's a blazing fire inside the comedy club. | ||
| Oh, you can guarantee that's not going to happen? | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| You shouldn't introduce fire into a room packed with people, period. | ||
| That's why I don't believe in candles. | ||
| That's why I love these little things that you've done. | ||
| These little pods that you've got. | ||
| These are some little sweet jammies that Brian has. | ||
| And he's got these little pods all around the room where they... | ||
| They recharge. | ||
| There are little batteries in there. | ||
| And they have different colors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they're almost impossible to turn off, which really frustrates me. | ||
| How do you get them to change color? | ||
| I'm just moving them around to change color. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no rhyme or reason in the directions. | |
| The directions are purposely insane. | ||
| They don't have anything to do with the product at all. | ||
| And I think they just do it to fuck with you because you're like, anyone that buys these, they're just going to trip out anyway. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| We've got to think who would buy these. | ||
| If I was the government, this is exactly what I would do. | ||
| I would take the first GPS tracking devices that we distribute out there into the world and target stoners. | ||
| So lava lamps, I would arm those and these fucking silly lights. | ||
| I would only go after the stoners. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They need some lava lamp technology. | |
| They need to put LCD screens Inside the lava and then so like when you're watching a lava lamp, it's just like warp TVs or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Like what if it was like the liquid was like a TV screen? | ||
| Oh wow, so like you could have like that technology. | ||
| That would be annoying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be weird, but you could have it tuned into anything. | |
| Well, you know what would be cool? | ||
| It would be cool for a wall effect. | ||
| It would be cool if you projected it on a wall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Projected lava lamp? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think they do that at most radio clubs. | |
| Well, they fake it. | ||
| They don't project an actual lava lamp. | ||
| They project a video of a lava lamp, perhaps. | ||
| It's all video. | ||
| They don't actually project the lava lamp itself. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever been to that rehab, though? | |
| Have you ever been to one of those parties? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Long time ago, maybe. | ||
| Those things are fun, man, but you can get sunburnt, and you get fucking drunk out there, and gotta be careful. | ||
| Don't fall in and drown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just look at this, though. | ||
| You gotta wonder how many people are peeing in that water, because it's not just one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this shit, though. | |
| This is like spring break. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And it's just insane. | ||
| Dude, Vegas is on another level. | ||
| It is on another level of debauchery. | ||
| People are just tightly wound, and Vegas is the one place where it's okay to make out with your girlfriend. | ||
| You know, and girls start making out with each other for the first time, and look at that, see? | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Right when I said that, on cue. | ||
| On cue. | ||
| Was it a tranny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you're going to get a little of that every now and then. | ||
| Wow, these girls are grinding on each other and grinding on guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine podcasting here. | |
| I don't think that would be good. | ||
| I don't think those are our people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't think these... | |
| I think the only way it would work is if everyone here just branched off and fucked and got this out of your system. | ||
| There's no way you could put on a podcast with so much slinging dick and pussy all over the place. | ||
| Who's going to give a fuck about anything we have to say? | ||
| You're going to be thinking about, I think I can fuck her. | ||
| I think she wants to fuck, and she's thinking, I think he's going to fuck me. | ||
| Oh my God, should I let him fuck me? | ||
| And then you're doing shots together, and the next thing you know it... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're floating the river thing. | |
| Yeah, you've got to fuck, get that shit out of your system, then come down and listen to us assholes rant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because otherwise, you're not going to be interested. | |
| Why would you be interested in anything that we have to say? | ||
| There's so much pussy everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane of this. | |
| This is why the Arabs hate us, bro. | ||
| Videos like this. | ||
| Videos like this get out. | ||
| And they don't even let chicks wear their fucking regular dresses. | ||
| You have to wear burqas and shit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Islamic fundamentalists, they look at this as this is the downfall of Western civilization. | ||
| This is Babylon to them. | ||
| You know, of course it's all ridiculous. | ||
| And of course, you know, they're completely hypocritical for the most part. | ||
| The guys, even the guys that were on the planes that flew into the Twin Towers, those guys were at strip clubs like a couple of nights before. | ||
| But... | ||
| This is what they point to. | ||
| If you want to point to the decline of Western civilization, they point to all this undisciplined life. | ||
| But what they don't understand is they live in a place where you have to be strict and disciplined. | ||
| You live in a fucking shitty desert. | ||
| If you live in a terrible, terrible environment and everyone is really strict and really harsh and mean, it's because the environment you live in sucks. | ||
| No one can relax. | ||
| So the only people that survive are the people that are super hardcore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If the road ends, Vegas would be safer than L.A., though, right? | |
| Because I know there's no water or anything really there. | ||
| Oh, sure there is. | ||
| There's Lake Mead. | ||
| There's a big lake there. | ||
| I think it's a fake lake, though. | ||
| I don't know if it's an artificial lake. | ||
| It might have been built by a dam or something like that, but it's there. | ||
| And it's awesome. | ||
| And they have striped bass in there. | ||
| You could go fishing in there. | ||
| But yeah, I think Vegas is probably safer than LA. I don't think they would... | ||
| If they're attacking America, they want to attack our banking system. | ||
| If someone was trying to be a terrorist, they would try to attack massive population centers. | ||
| Vegas, for all its craziness, doesn't really have that many people living there. | ||
| It's a fairly small town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be easy to escape. | |
| Well, I just... | ||
| If the shit hits the fan... | ||
| The resources are going to run dry really quick. | ||
| You're not going to be able to bring in any food. | ||
| And then it's like, what are you eating? | ||
| What do you eat? | ||
| There's nothing there. | ||
| And it's going to be like it really should be, which is a desert. | ||
| And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with living in the desert. | ||
| It's just the only way to live in the desert today, in this world, is you have to have modern power. | ||
| You have to have food. | ||
| You have to have supermarkets. | ||
| You have to be able to get water. | ||
| That has to come to you if you live in the desert. | ||
| Because if it's just you living in the desert, you're kind of fucked. | ||
| There's no food out there. | ||
| How are you going to grow food? | ||
| There's no water. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Unless you're bringing water in, you can't really live in the desert. | ||
| So the only way to live in the desert is with modern means. | ||
| And when the shit hits the fan, if you're living in the desert, those modern means will be useless, and then you've got to get the fuck out of the desert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So probably the best places then would be something like Ohio, Michigan. | |
| Yeah, not bad. | ||
| Not bad, but the winter is a problem. | ||
| Transportation is a real cunt. | ||
| You're going to ride horses back and forth everywhere. | ||
| That's the only way to get around. | ||
| And you don't want to go too far on a fucking horse. | ||
| You don't want to do that. | ||
| You don't want to go too far if you have to drag shit, if the horses have to drag lumber and stuff. | ||
| You're going to want to be as self-sustaining as possible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why we'll have dogs. | |
| We'll have sleighs and dogs. | ||
| We'll be like that shit. | ||
| It doesn't get that snowy. | ||
| You can't count on it to be that snowy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's ridiculous. | |
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like reindeers. | |
| All those chihuahuas, they will all be put to use as horses. | ||
| No, they trample on each other and we'd hate them. | ||
| We'd find out how mean they really are. | ||
| They'd be biting the ones underneath them as they're trying to pull your sled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was watching old Looney Tunes this weekend because this guy named Fast Eddie told me to watch. | |
| He's like, do you remember? | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| You know a dude named Fast Eddie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Has he tried to stick his dick in your mouth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not yet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't know if that's his maiden name. | ||
| If a guy makes you call him Fast Eddie, yeah, it's my name, Fast Eddie. | ||
| They call me Fast Eddie. | ||
| There's one Fast Eddie, alright? | ||
| And it's Fast Eddie Felson from The Fucking Hustler. | ||
| It's Paul Fucking Newman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's who it was. | |
| The guy, the original guy. | ||
| That's Fast Eddie. | ||
| You can't call yourself Fast Eddie. | ||
| That's completely ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a guy from the comedy store, do you know? | |
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A Hispanic guy? | |
| No. | ||
| But he can't call himself Fast Eddie. | ||
| If somebody else wants to call him Fast Eddie, that's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think he calls himself. | |
| First of all, you better be able to play pool, bitch. | ||
| You want to call yourself Fast Eddie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think he calls himself. | |
| I think other people call him that. | ||
| But they better stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They better stop. | |
| Just one Fast Eddie. | ||
| Fast Eddie Felsen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was I talking about? | |
| Paul Newman, The Hustler, Jackie Gleason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's what you're talking about, bitch. | ||
| I think it was 63. I don't remember what year it was. | ||
| Somewhere in 1960s. | ||
| Early 60s. | ||
| But God, what a movie, man. | ||
| What a great fucking movie. | ||
| And if you're a pool player, that's like, you know, that movie's like the holy grail of movies. | ||
| That's the holy grail of pool movies. | ||
| Because it was like a really good, dramatic film. | ||
| And it captured this guy's obsession to be the best pool player. | ||
| Although, quite honestly, Paul Newman really does not have a very believable stroke. | ||
| He needed to stay down on the ball a little bit more. | ||
| His follow-through was a little ham-fisted. | ||
| Whereas Jackie Gleason had a real stroke. | ||
| Jackie Gleason could actually run 100 balls, I believe. | ||
| I believe he at least ran 75 balls. | ||
| He was a real player. | ||
| You could tell by the way he would pocket balls. | ||
| He grew up on pool tables. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you hear Andy Griffin died today? | |
| Andy Griffin? | ||
| From the Andy Griffin show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That does suck. | |
| That's like one of those, aww. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody hated that guy. | ||
| Fucking nice guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's already buried. | |
| He died today and he's already buried. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because he wanted an immediate burial. | |
| Oh, he probably didn't want to be embalmed or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that possible? | ||
| I think you're allowed to do that. | ||
| What kind of craziness is this? | ||
| The universe eats our bodies. | ||
| That's just the way it is. | ||
| It's set up. | ||
| There's a bunch of shit inside the soil. | ||
| The soil is not just dirt. | ||
| The soil is alive. | ||
| It's alive with minerals. | ||
| It's alive with organisms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a bunch of dead people. | |
| There's a bunch of shit in there that would eat your body, and that's what it's supposed to do. | ||
| And you poison that stuff, you know, poison your body, and then cover them with makeup, so what, so people can stare at them, pretend you're not dead? | ||
| Why do you have a dead person with fucking makeup on lying in a bed with a rosary wrapped around their frozen, frigid hands Just bury them. | ||
| This is craziness. | ||
| Staring at a body doesn't do anybody any good. | ||
| What if we totally misguessed like how old the planet is and that actually all the dirt is just tons and tons of dead people from like billions and billions of years and like the middle there's just one person and that's God and he's just sitting there like in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| Well, that's, you know, that's kind of funny because that's what, like, some, there's some beaches that are covered in fish bones. | ||
| Like, the sand is actually, like, fish bones. | ||
| Like, where they have big die-offs. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| The Salt-N-Sea. | ||
| Yes, the Salt-N-Sea, exactly. | ||
| There's areas, I haven't, have you gone, personally? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't want to go to that shit. | |
| We talked about doing a podcast there once, but we, like, sobered up and we're like, what the fuck? | ||
| I've talked to so many people since then, because now that I know what it is, that talk about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, oh, I went there. | |
| It's like, yeah, it stinks. | ||
| I don't know if I recommend it. | ||
| It's all right. | ||
| It's kind of weird, but it was a pretty miserable day. | ||
| I'm like, oh, that doesn't sound good. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, if you don't know what it is, there's some fucking amazing documentary on it. | ||
| Who made that? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Something in Pleasures of the Salt and Sea? | ||
| Do you remember the name of the documentary? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| God damn it. | ||
| I'm going to have to look it up. | ||
| Because it's really a fascinating documentary. | ||
| And it was all showing how it used to be like this amazing resort town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you binging it? | |
| No, I'm Googling it, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see that picture of that Google car that got in a car accident? | |
| Hey, I want to tell you something, man. | ||
| Before you change the subject on that. | ||
| That binging thing? | ||
| I tried Googling something and it binged me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, on your laptop? | |
| Yes. | ||
| I wrote Google, and I did a Google search, and through some Microsoft fuckery, it became a Bing search. | ||
| I did not do that, though. | ||
| I did not turn it into a Bing search. | ||
| It became a Bing search. | ||
| I was like, wow, I don't think I like that. | ||
| I think that's kind of creepy. | ||
| Even if it's just a... | ||
| I mean, that's fuckery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Microsoft's tricky like that. | |
| But that's immediate fuckery. | ||
| I've had this thing for two weeks. | ||
| That kind of shit creeps me out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, let me Google it, bitch. | ||
| Why are you so scared? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll forget about it, though. | |
| You'll be getting binged all the time. | ||
| You won't even realize... | ||
| What the fuck was I Google searching, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How to come down from really high weed quickly. | |
| Weren't you telling me to Google something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The documentary on the... | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Salt and Sea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| I think it's John Waters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
John Waters. | |
| He just loves documentaries about this. | ||
| Hydrations. | ||
| No, it's more of Plagues and Pleasures of the Salton Sea. | ||
| That's the documentary. | ||
| And it's really a special documentary. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| Because this area in our lifetime went from being this amazing resort where everybody went to party... | ||
| To being a complete mess. | ||
| Everybody moved out. | ||
| It looks like the apocalypse, man. | ||
| The video is insane. | ||
| When you look at what it used to be like, everybody was driving around their motorboats and catching fish and they were all drinking and partying. | ||
| It was like some crazy resort where Sonny Bono grew up. | ||
| And he was a part of this big movement to try to bring it back. | ||
| And then you see what it became and you realize that that can happen inside our lifetime. | ||
| From fucking Sonny Bono. | ||
| The Sonny and Cher show was on when I was a kid. | ||
| I remember when Sonny Bono died when he went skiing into a fucking tree. | ||
| I was sad. | ||
| Sonny Bono seemed like a nice guy. | ||
| And from that era, from his life till now, The whole thing is just dead fish. | ||
| So much dead fish that the sand is bones. | ||
| There's a bony, crunchy sand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole place just stinks of death. | |
| They have massive, massive fish die-offs where like a million fish will die. | ||
| And they just flood the inland areas. | ||
| So all the boats have rotten fish around them. | ||
| I wonder if it's like a bucket of dead pussies, you know, like just like that bad or if it's just like, you know, like fishy bad, you know? | ||
| It's probably death. | ||
| It's probably the most depressing smell ever. | ||
| I don't think you could be happy smelling a million dead fish. | ||
| It's like nature is letting you know there's a terrible thing here. | ||
| This is what whatever's going on here. | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
| It's led a million organisms to shit out and just stop existing instantaneously. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it looks like it used to be awesome. | ||
| It's crazy to watch. | ||
| It looks like it used to be this badass place that everybody would go to. | ||
| And, you know, you go to get your party on. | ||
| In our lifetime, it's become a nightmare. | ||
| And in this documentary, though, some dudes say it's not. | ||
| Some dudes say it's all hype. | ||
| And one guy was in the documentary that actually eats the fish. | ||
| He eats it like sashimi. | ||
| He doesn't even cook it. | ||
| He just fillets it. | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| But maybe his body's just so used to that. | ||
| Maybe while he's doing that, he's got three cigarettes in his mouth at the same time. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck about some fucking pollution. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know? | ||
| I mean, if you really think about it, if you're a cigarette smoker, you'd be even concerned about pollution. | ||
| There's no way it could be possibly as bad as the shit you're self-inflicting. | ||
| You're voluntarily pumping that shit into your system. | ||
| Eat some dirty sashimi. | ||
| What are you worried about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I'm done with sushi. | |
| I'm just done with that. | ||
| Getting sick that last time really scared me away from it, I think. | ||
| Well, you can really fuck your system up if you get a parasite. | ||
| And they say that if you want to be really careful, you should only eat saltwater sushi. | ||
| You should only eat, like, tuna. | ||
| And you've got to be careful with freshwater stuff, because freshwater stuff can contain parasites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Freshwater stuff can? | |
| Yes. | ||
| You really should cook a lot of freshwater fishes. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, there's certain fishes that have parasites. | ||
| Like salmon can have parasites. | ||
| You have to be careful. | ||
| And you can get sick, man. | ||
| You can fuck up your digestive tract. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it's just not good to have little fucking parasites inside your body, cunting it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've really got to see Ted, man. | |
| That was a really, really fun movie. | ||
| I'm glad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And if you're like Family Guy, it feels good. | |
| I like how he used a lot of the characters in Family Guy, but the actor parts, you know, like the real people, or actors in the movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So everything just feels comfortable. | |
| It's funny. | ||
| There's a lot of drug use. | ||
| There's mushrooms and weed in it. | ||
| You know, when When I heard that that movie did good, I felt like a good guy won. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, absolutely. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like Seth MacFarlane is a... | ||
| I only met him once. | ||
| I did an episode of... | ||
| I think someone was on Fear Factor or something like that on a show, and I did it. | ||
| And then they made fun of me and American Dad, too, so that was kind of cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have people tweet to get him on a podcast or something. | |
| I'm sure he's busy as fuck now that his movie is gigantic now. | ||
| His movie took off. | ||
| But he's just a genuinely nice dude. | ||
| When I met him, you can tell when someone's like, he has a genuine smile, like a friendly dude. | ||
| So it's nice when you find out he's doing well. | ||
| But don't the South Park guys hate him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't know. | |
| Did they shit on him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think they're just competitive. | |
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't think they hate him. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Matt Stone and Trey Parker, especially Trey Parker, he's such a fucking genius that you've got to let him go nutty every now and then on things. | ||
| It comes with the program. | ||
| He's out there Like, for how many years now? | ||
| Putting out the edgiest, most badass cartoon in the history of the world. | ||
| I mean, Family Guy's a nice cartoon, it's a fun show, and I do... | ||
| Oh, you alright? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit! | |
| Dude, you got a short somewhere. | ||
| We should shut this thing down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow, did you see that? | |
| Yeah, you got to stop licking the microphone, you fuck. | ||
| I did, I didn't touch my cheek. | ||
| It's from you drooling, bro. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You want to kill the podcast and try to figure out what's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what better? | |
| That sparked my face. | ||
| Did you see the spark? | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, this day seems to be cursed. | ||
| I'm glad that the podcast started at least a little late because we would have been stumbling idiots. | ||
| We got a hold of some pot that is from another planet. | ||
| As Joey Diaz would say, they say shit they gave Kennedy before they took the top off the convertible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You alright? | ||
| Are you going to die? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It sparked like lightning. | |
| Just do the podcast from over there. | ||
| You'll be good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have a serious story here. | |
| Throw some water on it. | ||
| It'll be fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a white lightning bolt spark. | |
| That's God, you fuck. | ||
| You've been taunting God for your whole life. | ||
| God is upset. | ||
| God's upset with you, Brian. | ||
| Alright, folks. | ||
| We're going to have to figure out what this is so Brian doesn't die. | ||
| And we don't want Josh Barnett to have a flat tire and then get electrocuted. | ||
| Because that shit would be ridiculous. | ||
| So, we're going to figure out what's going on, hopefully, and we'll be back in about 10 to 15 minutes. | ||
| Is that probably accurate? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, man. | |
| That was a lightning bolt in my face. | ||
| It's got to walk it off. | ||
| I'm going to walk it off. | ||
| 10-15 minutes. | ||
| We'll see you guys in a little bit. | ||
| Thank you. |
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