May 24, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:58:00
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Shazam. | ||
| And we go live. | ||
| And then things are crackling. | ||
| And then people are talking and everybody's listening. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| No one's telling us what to say. | ||
| We could just do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Have we started? | ||
| Right now. | ||
| We're starting right now. | ||
| Just for a second. | ||
| Have we started? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right now. | |
| We're starting. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and then use the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 15% off. | ||
| So you will not just shoot your little loads that you're trying to get rid of. | ||
| You'll save yourself a little bit of money. | ||
| I used mine the other day. | ||
| Remember I told you, you said save it for the podcast. | ||
| I just was sitting in my man cave and I was like, I think I'm going to fuck my flashlight. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
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And I looked at it and it was just sitting there like, what are you doing? | |
| I was like, what are you doing? | ||
| It was such a neat... | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Enjoy it. | ||
| When you take it on the road with you for a weekend, you feel like it's a horror. | ||
| Do you take it on the road with you? | ||
| I have. | ||
|
unidentified
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I have. | |
| And just fuck it like a Chechen whore at the bottom of a coal mine. | ||
| Just fucking... | ||
| That was a great analogy. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| It's a little too good. | ||
| I don't think women are very comfortable with it. | ||
| It's a little too effective. | ||
| And, by the way, this is just the beginning. | ||
| I mean, technology's gonna improve, right? | ||
| 200 years ago, we didn't have a car. | ||
| And now we have a flashlight. | ||
| What would this be the technology of Fleshlight, do you think? | ||
| It's a robot fuck doll. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It's going to be something that acts like the hottest porn star alive, but only exists to fuck. | ||
| You know, like you shut it off, but when you turn it on, it looks like a person who wants to fuck. | ||
| I mean, it's really creepy to us, but we have to assume that we're not a perfect being. | ||
| The human being is not perfect, right? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| It's not done being evolved. | ||
| It's just a step along the way, just like monkeys are a step along the way, just like turtles are a step along the way. | ||
| This thing is still trying to advance and improve, right? | ||
| So, you've got to accept the fact that that's a part of the equation. | ||
|
unidentified
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Part of the equation is we're going to duplicate... | |
| I forgot this analogy was about jacking off! | ||
| Yeah, we're going to duplicate bodies. | ||
| We're going to duplicate them and fuck them. | ||
| Sometimes you don't want all the extra hassle that comes with dealing with a person. | ||
| You just want to be able to get rid of some loads. | ||
| And if you could have a fake person that could even make out with you and stuff, like a fake person... | ||
| It's creepy, though, because the idea is like, well, what is that? | ||
| Is this Blade Runner? | ||
| Is this some sort of human slavery? | ||
| Do you really wish you had a real person? | ||
| What if this inspires people to actually get real slaves? | ||
| The dude had that. | ||
| That guy had that girl trapped under his bed, and he was married. | ||
| He made her sleep under his bed. | ||
| Have you ever seen that thing? | ||
| Yeah, where was that? | ||
| Where the fuck was that? | ||
| Until she was like 18, and she could go to the mall with him and shit, and then she slept under the bed, and they just fucking did crazy shit to her. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But it's that Stockholm Syndrome. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Stockholm Syndrome? | ||
| Where you believe that your captor is helping you out. | ||
| So I've been in relationships like that. | ||
| The robot fuck girl will start off with a mouth, and then as technology gets better, the mouth will get smaller and smaller and smaller, and then it will be no mouth. | ||
| Why would you say that? | ||
| Because she can talk? | ||
|
unidentified
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I think Brian's going through some issues in this current relationship. | |
| No. | ||
| Anyway, we're also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of AlphaBrain, TroomTech, Immune, TroomTech Sport, and New Mood. | ||
| All these things are nootropics, and the other ones are performance-enhancing substances. | ||
| What's the 5-HTP one? | ||
| It's called New Mood. | ||
| I swear by that. | ||
| I swear by that. | ||
| I swear by that 100%. | ||
| You're talking about a guy that has obsessive-compulsive and anxiety issues. | ||
| I swear by that. | ||
| When I start spiraling, I go for that instead of Xanax. | ||
| And that is a bold fucking statement. | ||
| Well, it's legit, man. | ||
| What it does is it boosts your brain's ability to make serotonin. | ||
| It gives you the building blocks for serotonin. | ||
| And L-tryptophan converts to 5-HTP. So that's in there as well. | ||
| So it's got sort of a time-release effect to it. | ||
| It's a very effective supplement. | ||
| And it's not something you have to worry about. | ||
| If you're fascinated by any of this stuff, what they are is called nootropics. | ||
| What nootropic is, N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C. Google that and read some information because it's a very controversial subject. | ||
| I believe in nootropics. | ||
| I'm a big believer in vitamins and supplements and eating healthy. | ||
| I have always been interested in taking the best fuel for my body. | ||
| In my belief, the best fuel for your brain has been mapped out. | ||
| They're called nootropics. | ||
| Alpha brain is the best combination of these nootropics that we know how to make. | ||
| What's the highest class ingredients. | ||
| And we also make sure that there is a 100% money back guarantee on your first order of 30. We need like a cough button or some shit. | ||
| I just turned down my volume. | ||
| That was the most aggressive fucking sneeze. | ||
| In the UFC I have a button, right? | ||
| In the UFC I have like a button. | ||
| So if I have the sneeze or anything, I'm going to clear my throat, I have a button. | ||
| We should probably install those things, right? | ||
| For you. | ||
| We should just have a signal like you point to me. | ||
| Or we just sneeze. | ||
| That's a really good idea. | ||
| I think we just sneeze. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's a big deal. | ||
| Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link for AlphaBrain. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN and you can save yourself 10% off any and all orders. | ||
| And what I was saying earlier, we have 100% money back guarantee on the first order of 30 pills. | ||
| So when you take something, if you try it and you're like, this is not worth it, this is bullshit, you don't even have to return the product. | ||
| It's 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| We're trying to make it as Fair as possible while selling you stuff that I absolutely believe in. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Hey, can I get some of that shroom tech from you? | ||
| Fuck yeah, son. | ||
|
unidentified
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Okay. | |
| I got a lot of shit for you. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| That's my alpha brain, too. | ||
| Mix it up with the sherbet. | ||
| We're celebrating Joe Rogan. | ||
| Powerful Bert Chrysler's here, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Strap the fuck in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast. | |
| Check it out. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Powerful Bert Kreischer I'm planning mine. | ||
| I'm going to try to match Nick Diaz on the biggest stage possible. | ||
| Like, whether it be Letterman, like, just slide it in. | ||
| But I want to make it awkward. | ||
| Like, Joe Rogan Podcast, but hey, Nick Diaz at night! | ||
| I mean, never mind! | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Nick Diaz at night! | ||
| Man, fucking KLL Sonnen? | ||
| That dude is a motherfucker! | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| That guy's... | ||
| I've never been sold to an entity... | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| He could lead me into war. | ||
| He's a fascinating dude. | ||
| He really is a fascinating guy. | ||
| You know when it was really intense when he was talking about how he was willing to fight him in Brazil? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And that he knew that if he beat him in Brazil in front of 80,000 people, they were going to want his head. | ||
| What did he say about the Brazilians? | ||
| Well, you know, I mean, he said a lot of shit. | ||
| He's insulted Noguera, who's, you know, who's Anderson Silva's jiu-jitsu trainer and a famous mixed martial arts fighter, a former pride champion, and one of the all-time greats. | ||
| It's like, it would be like insulting Muhammad Ali or something along those lines, or insulting, no, I wouldn't say Muhammad Ali. | ||
| Sugar Ray Leonard or something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like... | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Because he's not like a political figure. | ||
| Did you hear your Patrice O'Neill's joke about Michael J. Fox? | ||
| No. | ||
| That was my favorite. | ||
| I'm watching Michael J. Fox on a news conference about Parkinson's and this motherfucker's trying to out-shake the champ! | ||
| How you gonna out-shake the champ? | ||
| Muhammad's trying to catch up! | ||
| And he's like, I got you, Muhammad! | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Fucking Patrice was a genius. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, he was so funny. | |
| God, he was a fucking funny motherfucker. | ||
| So anyway, back to Chael Sonnen. | ||
|
unidentified
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He was so funny. | |
| Here you go, Brian. | ||
| Chilson, he insulted Minotauro Nogueira, who, like I said, is a great champion. | ||
| In Brazil, he's a fucking hero. | ||
| He insulted his jiu-jitsu. | ||
| It was a lot of negative things that he said about Brazilians. | ||
| And so they fucking hate him. | ||
| And people don't realize how nationalistic Brazilians are, man. | ||
| I got that from that podcast that I was like... | ||
| They take it to the next level. | ||
| I've never been in a crowd that's so nationalistic, that so wanted the Brazilian fighters to win and fucking hated when the foreign fighters won. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, only one foreign fighter won. | ||
| Mike Kyle was the only guy who won that night. | ||
|
unidentified
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And there were some fucking scraps. | |
| I'm telling you, the energy in the crowd is just so intense. | ||
| They love fighting in Brazil. | ||
| They fucking love it, man. | ||
| But very respectful people. | ||
| Very nice people. | ||
| Very friendly. | ||
| It's not like there's a bunch of thugs going around. | ||
| Everywhere you go, people are pretty chilled and laid back. | ||
| It's a beautiful country. | ||
| I'd like to go. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Probably never going to happen. | ||
| You can go with me. | ||
|
unidentified
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You want to go with me? | |
| Fucking in. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| Why do you think it's not going to happen? | ||
| You travel like every fucking week. | ||
| You're about to go to Scotland. | ||
| There's a UFC in Brazil in June. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm in. | |
| I'll take you with me. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| If it fits in my fucking schedule. | ||
| My schedule is chaotic. | ||
|
unidentified
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All right. | |
| We'll see. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'd love to do that. | ||
| I'd love to go to fucking Brazil. | ||
| Do you know how fucking wild that would get? | ||
| You know what it's crazy, man, when you just look out over the ocean? | ||
| The view that they have, especially in Rio, they're so connected to nature. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're completely connected to nature. | ||
| When you look at how Rio is with the favelas and the hills and the city at the bottom and the oceans right there, and the way you look at it, it's like, man, they're constantly reminded by nature. | ||
| You know, that's something that a lot of places in America just don't have. | ||
| New York doesn't really have that. | ||
| You see mostly buildings. | ||
| You see mostly shit that we made. | ||
| There's something about being in the presence of something like mountains and ocean where it just makes you go, shit. | ||
| Or even just, like, wind. | ||
| Like, I went to the top of Mount Washington, and the winds were like 110 miles an hour. | ||
| And you were up there, and you literally... | ||
| Man, my heart sunk out of my asshole. | ||
| I was like, I could be lifted off this mountain by God. | ||
| Just, see ya, Bert! | ||
| Dude, could you fucking imagine? | ||
| That's happened before. | ||
| People have been taken off the sides of cliffs. | ||
| Fuck yes! | ||
| Fuck yeah, they have. | ||
| Dude, cars get tripped over by wind. | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| So what you're telling me, when I'm driving on the street and I feel my car getting pushed by wind... | ||
| It's totally possible. | ||
| ...that there are cars that have... | ||
| Because I always go, it'll never happen. | ||
| And huge storms, of course. | ||
| Semis, awesome. | ||
| Hurricanes, yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, in Dallas, the last tornado, man, there were... | ||
| There were semis that were flying in the air. | ||
| You didn't see that? | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dude, that was just this year. | ||
| This year in Dallas. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| Pull up the video, man. | ||
| You've got to show it to them because it's just so fucked up. | ||
| I have a video of a fucking... | ||
| It's so hard to look at. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| You try to wrap your mind around something that could take a semi and float it in the air. | ||
| Something that you can't see. | ||
| An 18-wheeler truck. | ||
| It's invisible. | ||
| And it's floating this fucking semi in the air. | ||
| And the only reason why it's visible at all is because it's got a swarm of shit that it's carrying. | ||
| It's circling around. | ||
| It's got a swarm of shit inside of it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fuck! | |
| God damn it, that's scary! | ||
| What do you do in that situation? | ||
| You get pulled up in the wind. | ||
| Is there anything scarier than seeing that funnel cloud? | ||
| Just knowing there's nothing that can stop it. | ||
| But that thought where you go, there's no way this is going to get me. | ||
| Look at that, dude. | ||
| Can you see that? | ||
| That's a fucking semi! | ||
| That's a fucking semi! | ||
| Several semis, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
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Are you fucking kidding me? | |
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh my god! | |
| Look at that! | ||
| Those are semis! | ||
| Semis, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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Those are 18 wheelers, man. | |
| Look at that! | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| There's like three of them. | ||
| It's juggling semis. | ||
| Those are light poles. | ||
| Those are light poles that are standing up. | ||
| The semis are like... | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Look at that fucking thing, man. | ||
| It's so weird that we are so nonchalant about these things, about tornadoes, and living in just even the remote possibility that a tornado might hit your area. | ||
| Like, shouldn't you factor that into where you fucking live? | ||
| To everything you do. | ||
| That should be factored. | ||
| You should have definite escape plans into a cellar. | ||
| Like, you shouldn't just be like, well, if it comes, let's just hope. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nope. | |
| Did you ever see that Joplin, Missouri footage where they showed the before and after? | ||
| I believe it was Joplin, Missouri. | ||
| It was a town that was literally erased. | ||
| Literally erased. | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| The tornadoes come and the scary thing is they can come in the middle of the night, man. | ||
| They can come in the middle of the night, so you have to have, like, tornado warnings. | ||
| So someone's gotta be paying attention. | ||
| And they gotta blow horns. | ||
| And then you gotta get in your basement while the monster made out of wind rips your house apart. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fuck. | |
| Like, dude, they had entire communities just vanished. | ||
| They completely vanished. | ||
| Down to the foundation. | ||
| From wind! | ||
| If that was a werewolf that was doing that, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| If there's a bad wolf that wants to huff and puff and blow to your house down, you'd be like, we gotta kill that fucking thing. | ||
| We gotta get away from where it lives. | ||
| But instead of it being a werewolf, it's a wind monster. | ||
| And we just sort of accept it. | ||
| You live in the path of a fucking werewolf. | ||
| It's a wind monster, man. | ||
| It's a god. | ||
| It's Thor. | ||
| It's ripping houses apart. | ||
| It's a god. | ||
| I mean, no wonder why storms, when people were savages, they thought it was the anger of the gods. | ||
| No wonder why. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| You don't know when it's coming. | ||
| Can you imagine something like Katrina where you don't know when it's coming? | ||
| Well, maybe it is. | ||
| Maybe it's a reaction. | ||
| Maybe it's a reaction... | ||
| Of us being disrespectful. | ||
| Well, it's maybe a reaction just to the biological, the sheer size of the biological entities of the human race. | ||
| You know, the massive amount of waste that we put out. | ||
| And if that makes global warming, and if that really does pick up the intensity of storms... | ||
| I know all that shit's debated. | ||
| I don't know if that's true or not. | ||
| People have tried to make that connection between human beings, global warming, and the acceleration of these big storms, but I don't know where the status of that is, so I don't want to speak to that. | ||
| It's negative energy all collected. | ||
| But how weird would it be if we found out it was true? | ||
| If we found out that once people get to a certain fever pitch, you know, the earth just has a response of these big gusts of wind monsters to sort of like shut everybody the fuck up. | ||
| Why is it so fucking warm over here? | ||
| If we were all hippies, it would just be sunny everywhere. | ||
| Sunny and beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Can you imagine if that's what it is? | ||
| It's like God's death squad is the tornadoes. | ||
| And God just sends them down every now and then. | ||
| Please get these cunts off my planet. | ||
| And you just hear Joey Diaz going, listen, cocksuckers. | ||
| It's just a thing where God created people, but people just figured out how to get way too good at some shit. | ||
| Way too quickly. | ||
| And it's the race between nature trying to squash us and us trying to transcend being human. | ||
| That's a fucking bizarre concept. | ||
| It's the race. | ||
| It's the race right now. | ||
| It's the race. | ||
| It's between us coming up with some sort of technology that lifts us out of our monkey existence or the earth swallowing us up in a supervolcano. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| That's some good champagne. | ||
| It's a great champagne. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's fucking... | |
| What are we celebrating? | ||
| We're celebrating... | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Let's wrap this up because I'm a little... | ||
| My mind's a little fucking blown. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That fucking concept is like... | ||
| Is bizarre. | ||
| The fucking God is just... | ||
| It's ridiculous, really. | ||
| It's just weather. | ||
| No! | ||
| Alright, so the reason I bought the champagne... | ||
| I mean, I just, I'm about to say it, but if nature was a system, and if like, you know, certain things got too high, like human waste, if human waste caused a certain amount of disease, which it does, you know, if things, where we fuck things up, cause a certain amount of death, it's almost like... | ||
| Cancer was sex. | ||
| You lost me, fella. | ||
| If you have sex, then that's the planet's way of getting back. | ||
| Stop having sex, then you read the fucking Bible. | ||
| We're going to make cancer. | ||
| So if you stop having... | ||
| Never mind, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| Oh my god, I think I kind of get... | ||
| What if it was connected to cancer, the worst thing in the world, connected with the best thing in the world? | ||
| Kind of like the same kind of karma... | ||
| See, what happens when you get high is that, this is what I think, is that you have a paragraph in your head that is very well thought out. | ||
| But all you can piece together are like five words out of that paragraph and your brain scrambles and picks the five best ones. | ||
| And the worst is when you're halfway into the paragraph and you go, what the fuck am I even talking about? | ||
| It is the worst. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's what you used to say. | |
| You would cut that out if it was a normal thing. | ||
| Yeah, it was a normal thing. | ||
| You know how awesome I would look and you would look and we would all look if we edited all these things in the best hour? | ||
| Wait, wait, wait! | ||
| Definitely you, Brian! | ||
| Definitely you! | ||
| And Brad's like, edit that, edit that, edit that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, God. | |
| Edit that, edit that. | ||
| I fucking, those best of the Brian clips on YouTube made me laugh so fucking hard. | ||
| Because there's something, I'm very similar to Brian in a lot of ways, is that, like, I think we're both very childish. | ||
| We both have, like, a very child heart. | ||
| And so I hear some of those things, and I can tell when he's trying to be funny, I can tell when he's trying to be serious. | ||
| I fucking laughed. | ||
| In a hotel room bed for an hour just watching it over and over again. | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty ridiculous. | ||
| If you call out all the best moments, you know. | ||
| The best, my favorite one is when he goes, my dad has magic glasses. | ||
| You can see. | ||
| One can see up close and one, and then I'm listening and I go, they're called bifocals, asshole! | ||
| Benjamin Franklin had them business. | ||
| My dad, when I was back in Ohio, bought one of those things where it's a belt that goes around really, really fast, and it has these metal prongs that just hover over the belt, the rubber belt, so it collects electricity. | ||
| And then you put this little dome on it, and the electricity then collects inside the dome, and it gets off, I think it's 20,000... | ||
| Volts of electricity it makes or something like that. | ||
| This is a quiz? | ||
| And so he's showing this to me and he's like, this is what he's doing on his free time. | ||
| He's like, look, he has all these batteries lined up and these wires. | ||
| He's like, I'm trying to have the electricity conduct and copper wires. | ||
| And he's explaining this whole, and he's like, if I could figure this out, we're going to be billionaires. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| And then he goes, watch what happens when I turn off the light, and he takes a metal hammer with a rubber thing, and he just holds it out the thing, and the electricity just starts shooting towards the hammer, and in between the part where you pull out nails, like the little V thing, just electricity's going back and forth really, really fast. | ||
| I was like, Dad, what the fuck? | ||
| You need to start smoking weed, because this is really cool if you're high, just going into this little fucking thing. | ||
| But he's got to wear a dome over his head? | ||
| No, he just holds onto the rubber of the hammer. | ||
| Didn't you get your dad baked? | ||
| Didn't you get your dad high on edibles? | ||
| No, it was weed pop soda. | ||
| Weed soda? | ||
| Yeah, he didn't know. | ||
| He didn't know? | ||
| You dosed him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I have it on video also. | ||
| Why did you dose your dad? | ||
| Because I wanted him... | ||
| I wanted to see what would happen. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And you know what happened? | ||
| You know what happened? | ||
| He became very giggly and laughing and happy and it was really cute and I've never told him about it but... | ||
| I have it on video. | ||
| Why wouldn't you tell him? | ||
| Why wouldn't you tell him? | ||
| Because, you know, it was like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because he was hanging out at my house in California. | ||
| He was in town for work. | ||
| And he was, I only got to see him one night and he was hanging out with us, having us, he's, he likes to drink. | ||
| He likes to have a couple of drinks. | ||
| So he was having cocktails. | ||
|
unidentified
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He was kind of having cocktails. | |
| Okay, wasn't that in the blue? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| He was having fun. | ||
| And then, so we were all sitting around and I think you or somebody gave me a bottle, this huge, don't blame me, bitch. | ||
| This huge champagne bottle. | ||
| You did it. | ||
| It looked like a champagne bottle, but it was a pop. | ||
| Don't blame me, bitch. | ||
| And so I poured a glass and Katie poured a glass and I was like, Dad, do you want some of this? | ||
| And I said it kind of like, I don't know if he knows what this is, but he's like, sure, I'll have some of that. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| And then I just gave it to him. | ||
| And it started off, you know, my dad was just, you know, talking like he usually does, you know, about how to, you know, break perpetual motion or whatever he always talks about. | ||
| And then he just became giggly and happy, and it was just like a shitty grin the whole time. | ||
| Why wouldn't you tell him about this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess it is like a big... | ||
| Yeah, but it seems like he enjoyed it. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It seems like... | ||
| Yeah, but he has a real job. | ||
| If he would have got drug tested, he would have got fired from his job. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Why'd you dose up your dad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine he gets drug tested and you're like, I swear, I've never smoked pot in my life! | |
| Well, according to your hair follicles, Mr. Michael, three weeks ago you were higher than fuck. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| I could never notice my dad. | ||
| My dad would fucking... | ||
| I just don't know why you wouldn't just tell him. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I will one day. | ||
| Listen, this is an unhealthy relationship. | ||
| When weed becomes legal in Ohio, I will tell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's so crazy. | |
| Can't imagine my dad high. | ||
| That's so crazy, dude. | ||
| Just tell him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will. | |
| Tell him what happened. | ||
| Or better yet, guys, if you're listening and you know Brian, tell him what happened. | ||
| No, don't say that. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Let me tell him. | ||
| Let me tell him so I can videotape it at least. | ||
| What the fuck did your dad do to you when you were young that you wanted to torture him like this? | ||
| He made me look at his inventions and machines for hours and hours on end. | ||
| I just sat there and watched... | ||
| That's what you did with wires. | ||
| There's a picture of me on an old school computer. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever seen me tweet it or whatever. | ||
| I'm just playing on this old, I don't know what it was, machine. | ||
| That's pretty much what I did. | ||
| Every night, I would go downstairs and watch my dad try to invent crazy shit and fix things. | ||
| He was one of those guys that you could give him anything and he would fix it. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| You'd give him a TV, you'd give him a fucking car. | ||
| He'll take apart the car and figure out what's wrong with it and rebuild it. | ||
| If that part isn't made anymore, Build that part. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Sounds like your dad might like meth better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know, right? | |
| Meth would be a fun drug for your dad. | ||
| Adderall. | ||
| You can make my dad on Adderall? | ||
| Brian, I reworked the fork. | ||
| He might close some shit down, right? | ||
| Man, Adderall fucking works. | ||
| Like, I love those, like... | ||
| This dude got an Adderall and went on a rage. | ||
| Who did, Brian? | ||
| Brian went on an Adderall rage. | ||
| I actually have my dad showing his computer machine. | ||
| You can hear how he talks. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| Oh, I'd love to hear it. | ||
| Alright, let's listen to my dad talk about it. | ||
| This is him going into his workshop explaining his electricity machine. | ||
| Should you be giving this stuff out on the air? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| I mean, is this like a patent or anything that your dad's working on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a Vanitycraft generator. | |
| Now this hammer still shocks me, so I use this one with a leather handle. | ||
| Anything sharp like this, it doesn't spark too. | ||
| Like a lightning rod, you know? | ||
| Let me turn the light off. | ||
| That thing won't probably work in the dark. | ||
| Oh my god, your dad's like Mr. Science! | ||
| You have to get your eyes used to the dark. | ||
| It was so scary because you can't see in the video, but there's like blue lightning bolts flying over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See the glow come over to the hammer? | |
| I hear you're uninterested. | ||
| What people don't understand is this is in the dark, okay? | ||
| He's showing us this thing. | ||
| He's got one of those Tesla machines. | ||
| Yeah, it's something like that. | ||
| Yeah, so he's got one of those Tesla machines. | ||
| It's not a big laboratory either. | ||
| No, it's a little workspace that he built the other day, recently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He built the whole thing. | |
| He just, like, tore down, like, the side of his house, like, with a sledgehammer and built this humongous workshop for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And the other day he was like, I'm going to buy a new car. | ||
| So he bought a new car. | ||
| So he extended his garage by two cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Are your parents still married? | ||
| No, they're divorced. | ||
| But he's been remarried for, like, I don't know, 15, 20 years or something like that. | ||
| That's a lot like you, I guess. | ||
| You like to figure shit out. | ||
| Yeah, he pretty much, if there was computers when he was my age, he would be doing the same thing with computers. | ||
| Do you think that your creativity with computers and just your interest from your dad? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Wow, that's amazing, isn't it? | ||
| How that can be translated. | ||
| You ever met the children of singers who can just naturally sing? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| My kids are naturally, like I genuinely say, my kids are naturally funny. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Like, my kids are... | ||
| Like, they make other people laugh. | ||
| Like... | ||
| How old are your kids? | ||
| Five and seven. | ||
| And they're fucking funny. | ||
| I don't know... | ||
| Do you think it's from being around you? | ||
| Being around a comic? | ||
| Or do you think it's genetics? | ||
| I think two things. | ||
| I think one is being around me. | ||
| And I'm constantly light-hearted. | ||
| And I always fucking... | ||
| My goal for everything is laughter. | ||
| About everything. | ||
| And then I think also that I have a group of friends that run through my house that my kids have been around, and they try to make them laugh. | ||
| And I think that that takes up to, you know, it's like, look, if you're sitting in a Baptist church, and nothing against Baptist people at all, but if you're sitting in a Baptist church, you're trying to make the Baptist preacher laugh, it's a pretty easy laugh. | ||
| You don't really, oh, isn't that right? | ||
| Good job. | ||
| But it's not like a cultivated sense of humor. | ||
| But when you've got Tom Segura sitting on the couch, and he's drinking beers, and my kids are trying to make him laugh, they come up with some funny fucking shit. | ||
| My daughter, this is going to sound like a lie because I'm just telling you this. | ||
| Yesterday, this is maybe the hardest I've ever laughed at my youngest daughter. | ||
| My wife is trying to brag on the fact that her and my youngest daughter, who we're having problems with developmentally, she's not retarded, but that sounds horrible too. | ||
| Fuck, I shouldn't be talking. | ||
| But she's not... | ||
| She just, emotionally, she's a very wild kid. | ||
| She's a spirited child. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So my wife's trying to brag on her to a stranger. | ||
| I swear to God right now. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| My wife goes, Isla and I have been playing cooties. | ||
| And this lady, Kathy, is sitting right there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And she goes, yeah. | ||
| And Isla, what do we say when we lose the turn on cooties? | ||
| And Isla, without missing a beat, goes, fuck your mother. | ||
| And I fucking fell apart laughing. | ||
| And my wife goes, no, no, no. | ||
| And I'm laughing so hard, Isla's going, fuck your mother. | ||
| Fuck your mother. | ||
| And Isla goes, no. | ||
| My wife's going, no. | ||
| We say, gosh darn it. | ||
| Gosh darn it. | ||
| Dag nub it. | ||
| And Isla goes, and then Isla just, then because she knows she's got a laugh, she fucking, everything's fucking mother that day. | ||
| Five years old, fuck your mother. | ||
| And I swear to you, on both of my children's life, that is exactly what happened. | ||
| And Leanne was like, I don't know where she heard that. | ||
| I was like, someone said it. | ||
| That's funny, isn't it? | ||
| That's the big concern amongst people that are raising children, is your kids learning how to swear and swearing, and that being a sign of bad parenting. | ||
| I'm a horrible parent then. | ||
| It's so foolish. | ||
| It's so foolish. | ||
| The idea that you're going to exclude certain words and that somehow or another this excluding of certain words is going to make people behave differently? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is it really? | ||
| Cunts are going to be cunts. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| You can't change things by removing fucks. | ||
| If little kids say fuck, it's funny. | ||
| It's bad if you overfuck. | ||
| If you're talking to a guy who's like, this fucking guy with his fucking thing told the fucking guy... | ||
| After a while, you're like, dude, you're killing my head. | ||
| The way you're communicating is bizarre. | ||
| It's not comfortable. | ||
| I'm not receiving your information very comfortably. | ||
| But just the occasional use of the word that you want to use in the right place, I mean, there's a reason why those words exist. | ||
| Just because some folks aren't that good at using all the colors to paint with, it doesn't mean that those words should be excluded. | ||
| So I always get offended when people say that your kids shouldn't swear. | ||
| Because I'm like, really? | ||
| When is this going to stop? | ||
| When is this nonsense of bad words going to stop? | ||
| Well, if you started off young, then it would never be a big deal. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| There's a reason why in European countries a lot of kids get to drink and smoke. | ||
| I was just in Italy and they were talking about this. | ||
| All of them were like, it's not a big deal in our house. | ||
| I can have wine if I want. | ||
| So why would I care about getting fucked up? | ||
| They don't have as many issues. | ||
| I think a lot of our issues with things that people have, like as far as obsessive compulsive issues or addictive issues, I think it's just a little game that your brain plays. | ||
| When you can't get something, then you get it, and you shouldn't have it, and then you want it. | ||
| I think it's just this weird seesaw thing that your brain can play. | ||
| And part of that, one of the triggers of that, is suppressing people. | ||
| Look, we all know this. | ||
| We all knew this growing up. | ||
| Who were the sluttiest girls? | ||
| Catholic school girls. | ||
| I was going to say black, but... | ||
| When I was growing up, the sluttiest girls were the girls that actually had to go to the Catholic school. | ||
| They had to go to all girls' schools. | ||
| The academy was where all girls went. | ||
| They suppressed the shit out of these girls, man. | ||
| They made them wear these little dresses, and they told them to stay away from boys. | ||
| And I remember, I dated two different girls that went to Catholic school, and they were both... | ||
| Fucking freaks! | ||
| And when you're that age, when you get introduced to a freak that way, it blows your fucking mind. | ||
| They just couldn't wait to get a hold of some dick because they were just told to stay away, stay away, stay away. | ||
| They don't realize what they're creating in those women. | ||
| And plus, it's all those savage bloodlines. | ||
| It's all Irish and Italian and all these people in the Catholic school. | ||
| Those are savage bloodlines, man. | ||
| Those are bloodlines of... | ||
| You know, people that have been cutting people with swords for thousands of years, you know? | ||
| It's an old European bloodline. | ||
| Cuban. | ||
| Ours was Cuban. | ||
| That was all Catholic girls' schools were Cuban. | ||
| Yeah, you're going to keep them away from dick. | ||
| Dude, I remember this chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| This chick, Shannon. | ||
| Ninth grade, start dating her. | ||
| I go to her house from Academy. | ||
| And I go to her house for a date, like, to hang out, and her dad won't let her fucking leave. | ||
| So she goes, well, we'll just sit in here, Dad, and watch a movie. | ||
| And he goes, well, I'll be in the kitchen, like, a wall away, right? | ||
| The second he gets there, she grabs my hand and starts sucking my fingers, and I fucking came in my pants! | ||
| She's like, yes! | ||
| She sucked your finger and you came in your pants. | ||
| And I'm like, because I was fucking, I've been jacking off until then. | ||
| I had no concept... | ||
| And I remember I made the mistake of telling everyone at school. | ||
| I'll never forget, I showed up and I told Ty Rodriguez, and I sat down for lunch, and Ty was like, guess who came in his pants? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, oh man, you fucking dick. | |
| And then I think that's where I got my sense of humor, because you have to defend that in a weird way. | ||
| You can't be the guy that's a stud. | ||
| You're the guy that came in his pants. | ||
| So by that girl sucking your finger, she gave you a career in comedy? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Man, I was cool up until then. | ||
| Like, I was fucking stud. | ||
| Shannon? | ||
| What's her fucking last name? | ||
| You gotta find her on Facebook. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| There's this girl I used to date that every time after sex, like, when we're spooning, going to bed, like, I always have, like, one arm underneath her head, and the other arm she always wanted me to put in her mouth, like, to suck her thumb. | ||
| And so she'd sit there, and I found out that she liked it best after trial and error, that she always liked it better, like, on the nose. | ||
| So she would suck my thumb until she fell asleep, and then, like, I would have a grandmother thumb, you know, where it gets all wrinkly, and I'd be like, That's some issues, I think. | ||
| I know, but it was hot. | ||
| It was hot, dude. | ||
| It was really hot. | ||
| It's like, oh, she's my little baby. | ||
| Meanwhile, I know your fucking fingernails are not clean. | ||
| Oh, she made them clean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you looked at my thumb, it was always the cleanest one. | |
| Oh, that's so nasty. | ||
| That's so nasty. | ||
| And then sometimes we would drink cranberry vodkas or whatever and I would have a stained thumb and it was kind of embarrassed because you can't really wash the stain of the cranberry off of your thumb so you would walk around with a red thumb. | ||
| Do you know that guy Julian Assange from WikiLeaks, the guy that's in trouble? | ||
| Can I be honest with you? | ||
| I don't even know what WikiLeaks is, but I know this story. | ||
| I don't even know any of this. | ||
| What's really crazy is this guy released all these documents, but what they're getting him on, what they're prosecuting him on, is having sex with a girl. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He had sex with a girl with a condom on. | ||
| And then, while they were sleeping together, he apparently stuck it in without a condom and was fucking her without a condom. | ||
| And she charged him with, it's like sexual surprise or surprise sex. | ||
| Like, for real. | ||
| That's a real thing? | ||
| Yeah, I'm not even joking. | ||
| And this is literally why they're making this guy live in a house arrest and constantly have to check in. | ||
| I mean, the ball-busting of him for this one thing is extraordinary. | ||
| It's really confusing how much they're going after this guy. | ||
| But it's really not about that, of course. | ||
| It's about the WikiLeaks organization. | ||
| What's WikiLeaks? | ||
| WikiLeaks is an organization that got a bunch of documents from someone who's in the army. | ||
| And a lot of it was very controversial and just horrible shit. | ||
| One of them, they put out a video called Collateral Murder, and it showed these guys that are in these helicopters, these fighter jets, whatever the fuck they were shooting from. | ||
| I think it was a helicopter. | ||
| And they're shooting on civilians. | ||
| And they're shooting on, they think that these people have guns, and in fact they have cameras, and they open up on these people. | ||
| And they open up on these people that were putting kids in their fucking minivan. | ||
| And when they hear that they had kids in the car, They go, well, shouldn't have been bringing kids with them anyway. | ||
| That was their response. | ||
| You shouldn't have been bringing kids. | ||
| It's not that we had to cut them down with these fucking.50 caliber rounds. | ||
| No, it's that they shouldn't have been bringing the kids in the first place. | ||
| What are we going to do? | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| Shouldn't have been bringing kids. | ||
| It's like their glee in being able to take these people out like video games. | ||
| These are U.S. soldiers? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And then they put this video out, and it was really controversial. | ||
| People were saying it's terrible for morale. | ||
| It's this, it's that. | ||
| It shouldn't have been released. | ||
| And then it turns out that there's a fuckload of documents. | ||
| All kinds of shit that they didn't want to have released. | ||
| And this kid had gotten a hold of this stuff and passed it off to WikiLeaks. | ||
| And this kid is still in solitary confinement. | ||
| This kid's not Julian Assange. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| He's a... | ||
| Avery? | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| I'll look it up. | ||
| So then the US government decided to go after WikiLeaks and then just basically fucking combed through this dude's life. | ||
| Yeah, Bradley Manning is the guy's name. | ||
| He's still in... | ||
| I believe he's in solitary confinement. | ||
| I think he has been for years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| I think they caught him and they just stuffed him in a cell and that's it. | ||
| It's really scary shit. | ||
| So wait, Julian Assange is the dude who leaked it Julian Assange is the guy who ran WikiLeaks, and he's the guy who leaked all this information. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What was really crazy is that after he leaks the information, then this sex charge comes up, and they want to export him out of the country. | ||
| I think to Norway, when they have these crazy sex laws, like they have different, you know, people have weird laws on rape. | ||
| There's some feminists that believe, and I've actually read this and had to go back and read it several times just to really wrap my head around whether or not I'd heard them right, then the statement was that they believe that if a woman has been tricked by a man and deceived by a man and talked into having sex, then that's rape. | ||
| That's every girl I've ever had sex with. | ||
| Every girl. | ||
| I mean, isn't that amazing? | ||
| You should have the right, if you feel deceived after the act, after the voluntary act of intercourse, you should have the right. | ||
| Like if she just thought you were a good guy? | ||
| I mean, but to call that rape is crazy. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That is deception. | ||
| But the sex was voluntary, so it cannot be rape. | ||
| And just because you feel bad about something that you were coerced into doing that wasn't illegal... | ||
| Yeah, what if you come really fast? | ||
| That's my whole point. | ||
| I told everyone I'd be good at it, and I've never been good at it. | ||
| But it's not illegal. | ||
| It's sex. | ||
| Rape is illegal. | ||
| So you can't make sex rape. | ||
| You're turning it into rape. | ||
| It wasn't rape. | ||
| You were tricked, yes, but it was sex. | ||
| You had voluntary sex. | ||
| To call that rape, anybody that would even think that that would be an acceptable idea is an anti-human. | ||
| That's anti-human. | ||
| I will go as far to say that I believe, if you have me to put it down, I believe that rape is when a man assaults a woman and makes her have sex when she does not want to. | ||
| And I do believe there is a gray line where date rape is involved. | ||
| I do believe there are guys that... | ||
| That force it, and the woman's saying no, but they do it yes. | ||
| And I believe there's also a gray line where women are drunk, too drunk, and guys take advantage of it. | ||
| Well, I'm a dude. | ||
| I've been around dudes my whole life, and I know that's happened. | ||
| I've had friends that have done that. | ||
| And as they walk you through the night, you're like, sounds a little rapey to me. | ||
| But the truth is... | ||
| As they walk you through the night. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, you did what? | ||
| You're like, maybe I should report you. | ||
| So, but I do believe that, because this is not the subject I ever want to talk about, because it's, like, I went to college when the word rape became flip-floppy, and, like, chicks were saying they got rape when they genuinely didn't. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, the word rape was a buzzword. | ||
| And so women were using the word rape, like throwing it out there. | ||
| And then I think right after that is when comics got a hold of the word rape, like Sarah Silverman, and made it a joke and took it. | ||
| That's why I love Sarah, man. | ||
| I'll fucking always love that chick. | ||
| Because she took things that I think I would joke out about with my friends and as a woman said them on stage. | ||
| And I thought, I was like, fucking gangster, dude. | ||
| That's the way to fucking roll. | ||
| She's definitely a gangster. | ||
| She's funny, man. | ||
| She should be a Supreme Court judge. | ||
| Whatever she says is right, that should be it. | ||
| Like, there are women, I mean, I don't know, what am I talking about? | ||
| Well, it's human beings have to have their shit together in order to be able to judge people. | ||
| And it's been pretty obvious that the system that they're judging people under right now is just so flawed and fucked up. | ||
| And no one's saying that it should all be dismantled. | ||
| That's what's going to have to happen. | ||
| They would have to dismantle the whole system to make anything fair. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Supreme Court justice. | ||
| Supreme Court, period. | ||
| All your crazy fucking laws. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Man, I heard... | ||
| It's a big honeycomb of bullshit. | ||
| I heard Chris Rock say something one time that kind of fucking... | ||
| That redefined everything, man. | ||
| I've had things redefined for me within the last few months. | ||
| So big, man. | ||
| So big. | ||
| We were talking about ego. | ||
| My ego is... | ||
| That concept of ego, I've never understood. | ||
| I fucking now understand. | ||
| But Chris Rock said something about, was Saturday Night Live racist? | ||
| I don't know where I heard it on. | ||
| And he was saying, no, it's not racist, but there is a shorthand. | ||
| have that a black and a white guy don't have like two white guys like lauren michael and say chris farley there's a shorthand that they have that a black kid is not born with and when i heard that i went what what do you mean by a shorthand okay like um like uh like you ever got into a meeting with a bunch of white dudes and you just kind of you understand them and like or like when a guy goes uh man how about that fucking ds fight And then all of a sudden you and him have a shorthand. | ||
| You go to a meeting and you're like, oh, we have something in common. | ||
| We can talk without... | ||
| We know each other without having to guess to know each other. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And dudes love doing shit like that. | ||
| That's why they play golf together and stuff, right? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And white guys love it more than any... | ||
| Black guys love it too, but what happens is your shorthand comes from the people you grew up with. | ||
| I know white dudes who are in fraternities. | ||
| I don't even need to fucking say a word to them. | ||
| I can tell you what they do. | ||
| I can tell you how they act when their cameras aren't on. | ||
| I can tell you everything about them. | ||
| But black dudes, my shorthand is based on pretty much the dudes I partied with in New York. | ||
| I just don't know brothers. | ||
| I know Godfrey, Artie. | ||
| Tony Woods, That Night with Tracy Morgan. | ||
| That's my shorthand. | ||
| So I see what you're saying. | ||
| So you're saying that white guys on Saturday Night Live have more connectedness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They all went to Harvard. | ||
| They all went to college. | ||
| They're all into comedy. | ||
| They all had the same comedy upbringing. | ||
| They all had parents that's probably either divorced. | ||
| They're part of the system. | ||
| Lauren Michaels being the head, but Chris Rock was saying, as a kid from Brooklyn, his shorthand wasn't there. | ||
| So when he met Lauren Michaels, he didn't... | ||
| He didn't know the, like, I mean, ultimately, you know, it's like when you meet a network executive, I kind of know what to say and what not to say. | ||
| And I know how to act. | ||
| I know to wear a college shirt if it's right and I know not to. | ||
| Because I'm white and I've had to deal with white men my whole fucking life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Chris Rock never, if he dealt with a white man, I'm guessing this is speculation based on an interview, but it was a cop or a judge. | ||
| He never got arrested. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| When he saw white men, it was from a different place. | ||
| His average black man was like a dad or a friend's dad. | ||
| Those guys aren't running Saturday Night Live or running heads of business. | ||
| That blew me away. | ||
| That concept of... | ||
| Of racism not being how people act, but just being, like, as common as a shorthand. | ||
| Like, you know, like... | ||
| That's very astute of him, to point it out that way. | ||
| Oh, he's a fucking genius, man. | ||
| That guy blows me away consistently, because the way he sees life... | ||
| Like, I was just hearing... | ||
| I was talking to one of his contractors... | ||
| And his contractor was putting a window in his house. | ||
| Now this is the difference between me and Chris Rock. | ||
| The window was $20,000 that he was putting in his house. | ||
| I'm sure I'm not supposed to be talking about this. | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| Yeah, why are you doing it? | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Your ego is out of control. | ||
| Is it my ego? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| No. | ||
| Anyway, the window, it's an interesting story. | ||
| So he puts a window in, and it's $20,000. | ||
| And the guy goes, hey, look, I'll comp you the window. | ||
| I'll give you the window if you let me fucking put you on my TV show or whatever and show that I'm doing Chris Rock's house. | ||
| Chris Rock's like, man, if I show my family I'm putting in a $20,000 window into a house, they're going to want to stay in that house. | ||
| Like, I can't just fucking put that on TV. And I was like, well, I'd fucking put that shit on TV because my ego would come in and be like, fucking... | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Let's show everyone what I make. | ||
| Why were you saying before that you're having a problem with your ego? | ||
| I just am, man. | ||
| It's genuine. | ||
| I'm going to ask you to go back probably 15 years and try to connect to yourself then. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because you've done a lot of work, I think, on yourself that a lot of people haven't done. | ||
| So, you know when people just go... | ||
| When people just say like... | ||
| They just show up to a bunch of comics and they're like... | ||
| Everyone's like, hey, what are you up to? | ||
| And he's like, oh, I got a sitcom on this. | ||
| I got a sitcom on that. | ||
| And then you just... | ||
| I was saying to Brian, you just casually try to slide in what you're doing. | ||
| Casually. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| Oh, that's so cool. | ||
| I know Brian. | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing a thing with him. | ||
| And that, to me, is fucking... | ||
| It's so unhealthy. | ||
| Like self-bragging. | ||
| Self-bragging. | ||
| It's so unhealthy, and it so disconnects your heart. | ||
| This is what I've been thinking. | ||
| Disconnects your heart from humanity. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What it does is it puts your brain in it, because your brain starts talking to your heart, going, hey, man, we're hurting. | ||
| And your heart's like, why? | ||
| He's like, because You heard what he's doing? | ||
| He's doing a bunch of shit. | ||
| You're not doing shit! | ||
| And he's like, well then fucking start talking to me. | ||
| So you hear other people talk about the stuff that they're doing and you want to pump yourself up? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| You almost have to do a better hand at cards. | ||
| You try to one-up them. | ||
| You try to one-up them. | ||
| I had a conversation recently with a friend and he's a nice guy. | ||
| He's a comic. | ||
| And I ran into him and I said, hey, what's up, man? | ||
| And he just went on this embarrassing run about... | ||
| Some development deal and this, and if it doesn't go out, I have a buyout. | ||
| And they've said that this is their number. | ||
| And I'm like, whoa, really? | ||
| And then if that doesn't work, I've got to develop. | ||
| And it just went out. | ||
| And I'm like, I meant hi. | ||
| I'm like, good to see you. | ||
| Are you happy? | ||
| Because your heart's connected to him. | ||
| This is going to sound just... | ||
| Bear with me. | ||
| Can I get some Celine Dion music in the background? | ||
| No, stop it. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Your heart's connected with him. | ||
| When you said, how are you doing, you were genuinely asking. | ||
| See, his head was connected to you. | ||
| Well, this is Joe Rogan. | ||
| He's got this going on. | ||
| I need to prove to him that... | ||
| See, he probably left that conversation going, that went perfect. | ||
| I think one of the nicest things... | ||
| Hey, easy. | ||
| Do not put Celine Dion. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| We'll start fucking kicking your dick under the table. | ||
| I like doing a lot of different things. | ||
| I don't want to have my whole entire identity connected to one thing. | ||
| Whether it's one thing in my life, whether it's one thing in what my occupation is. | ||
| I just think there's a lot to be gained in flexibility and in being able to do a bunch of different things and not having to rely on one. | ||
| I've been able to not have to define myself. | ||
| I do whatever the fuck I do. | ||
| I do what I do. | ||
| To worry about the world of comedy or worry about the world of MMA, I just do my shit. | ||
| That's you and that you are not the average of people. | ||
| Yeah, but I think everybody can do it. | ||
| I think everyone can do it. | ||
| I totally believe that. | ||
| I heard you talking. | ||
| I was in Europe, and I fall asleep. | ||
| I listen to the show when I sleep. | ||
| I play it all night long, and I just have it on repeat, so I hear it all night long. | ||
| It's one of the greatest things. | ||
| If you don't already do that, I'm telling you when I say that, it's the greatest way to fucking listen to podcasts, because you... | ||
| I feel like you're hanging out with friends and they're in the other room and you're safe. | ||
| And I get lonely on the road. | ||
| It's even better when it's you on the podcast. | ||
| And you hear, I heard me talking to you and I was like, oh! | ||
| And I'm in my own dream with you and I'm like, this is awesome! | ||
| But, there's no, like, I was listening to you talk about ego, destroying ego with drugs, with getting into the tank and getting rid of your ego. | ||
| And I was like, man, and I started thinking about ego. | ||
| And I was like, where is my ego? | ||
| And then I just saw myself fucking arguing with people. | ||
| Like, not arguing, but being argumentative, being difficult, just about ego-based shit. | ||
| Like, someone would say, this guy was a great host on this show, my crew. | ||
| And I'd be like, in my head, my head's going, fuck that guy. | ||
| You're better than him. | ||
| But I have not even... | ||
| Yeah, and so I've been doing a lot of work on my ego and trying to... | ||
| Like, I did it in front of Ari last night. | ||
| Play it. | ||
| I'll fucking own this shit. | ||
| I saw Ari last night. | ||
| When you say you're doing work on your ego, what do you mean? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm biting my tongue, and I'm letting myself feel the fucking disgusting feelings when you feel like an innocuous statement is directed at you. | ||
| Like, last night, this is a bad example. | ||
| I don't even want to fucking use that example. | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| I'm not going to use that example because that's a fucking really bad example. | ||
| But Ari saw me fucking bite my... | ||
| I started saying to... | ||
| I started to brag. | ||
| I started to say something to brag. | ||
| And then I went... | ||
| I stopped myself out loud and I went, I'm not doing that. | ||
| And Ari goes, what? | ||
| And I go, I'm not saying what I'm about to say because it's a fucking stupid. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| So that's what I'm trying to do. | ||
| I'm trying to be more connected to people by my heart and hear what they're saying as a human. | ||
| Just like when someone goes, hey man, what are you up to? | ||
| As a comic, you hear that and you're like, what do I have to? | ||
| I have this going on. | ||
| I have this going on. | ||
| Not like, oh, my kids are good. | ||
| They have a violin recital tomorrow. | ||
| Not like real shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, I think... | ||
| As a human being, when you have something that's your occupation or something that you're obsessed with, I think you build up a lot of stress when you're pursuing something. | ||
| And a lot of that stress can be evacuated physically. | ||
| And that's what a lot of people aren't aware of. | ||
| I goof around and talk to people about yoga and goof on yoga people. | ||
| Yoga is like a brilliant way of managing your emotions and your body. | ||
| And the idea, the word centered, I hate crystal talk. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I hate, you know, well, my yogi, I'm going on a retreat, there's a cleanse. | ||
| That's a fucking t-shirt, by the way. | ||
| I hate crystal. | ||
| I hate crystal talk. | ||
| It drives me nuts. | ||
| I hate it when I know that you've accepted this new age ideology. | ||
| There's a lot of yoga talk that goes along with that. | ||
| But yoga as a practice is a brilliant practice. | ||
| It's fucking hard to do, man. | ||
| There's people that think, oh, you're working out? | ||
| Oh, you're doing yoga? | ||
| That's not working out. | ||
| The fuck it's not, man. | ||
| Yoga's hard. | ||
| Some of the worst ass kickings I've ever had in jiu-jitsu was when I did yoga in the morning and then did jiu-jitsu at night. | ||
| Yeah, because you're beat. | ||
| I'm fucking beat! | ||
| You know, and I did it like, I could fucking do yoga in the morning. | ||
| I'm not even going to be tired for jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Fuck you're not, man. | ||
| Some of those poses are really difficult. | ||
| And they're designed to, like, wring all the stress out of your body. | ||
| And they humble you. | ||
| You walk out of there. | ||
| When you have to go through physical exertion, physical exertion to the point where your body's failing, that is very humbling. | ||
| And then when you get a speech at the end, that's what I love about yoga is you get into child's pose where you're just laying there and they talk to you. | ||
| Man, that changed my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was in a relationship I wasn't happy with. | ||
| This was probably 10 years ago. | ||
| Right before 9-11 or right after. | ||
| But it's that area. | ||
| And I was in a relationship I wasn't into. | ||
| I did not love her. | ||
| I didn't even like her. | ||
| And I was drinking a ton. | ||
| And I was fucking as fat as I am now. | ||
| I mean, I've gotten back. | ||
| But I was as fat as I am now. | ||
| And one morning I was up and I was just fucking angry and depressed. | ||
| At like 6 in the morning my buddy Croy called me. | ||
| And he was like, hey, do you want to go to yoga? | ||
| And I was like, fuck yoga. | ||
| I'm not going to yoga. | ||
| He goes, it's a good workout, man. | ||
| You'll enjoy it. | ||
| Did yoga at the end of yoga, and I did every pose with integrity. | ||
| I, like, did them. | ||
| I was sweating like a bitch. | ||
| Laid down in child's pose, and this dude with fucking sleeved and tattoos, cool motherfucker, like, just walks around in yoga pants, and he's like, what? | ||
| And he's talking to Christ. | ||
| What do you hate in your life today? | ||
| What bothers you? | ||
| And just because I'm exhausted. | ||
| I'm exhausted. | ||
| I am tapped out physically. | ||
| My brain just went fucking Rachel. | ||
| And he goes, you can change that. | ||
| And I was like, I can't. | ||
| It's too hard. | ||
| And he goes, decide to change that today. | ||
| Decide to make that decision today and tomorrow will be better. | ||
| You do that right now. | ||
| And I was like, I guess I could break up with her. | ||
| And then I just heard him go, yes, you can. | ||
| You can do that. | ||
| And I was like, I could fucking break up with her. | ||
| And like the dumbest thing, I was like, I don't I'm going to fucking break up with her! | ||
| I'm going to fucking break up with this bitch! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck this! | |
| And I called her right out of yoga class! | ||
| I was like, it's over! | ||
| And she was like, what? | ||
| And I was like, we should go to dinner! | ||
| Let's talk! | ||
| Click! | ||
| But yeah, and I fucking did it! | ||
| Were you living with this chick? | ||
| No, I was dating her. | ||
| We were like dated for like a couple years. | ||
| You weren't living with her? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And so I fucking broke up with her, literally, and I was like... | ||
| The whole thing about that one class was like, lose weight, man. | ||
| I can lose weight. | ||
| I just know how to lose weight. | ||
| You just got to work out like a beast. | ||
| Eat healthy. | ||
| That's the way to lose weight. | ||
| Fuck a book. | ||
| So I started losing weight. | ||
| I got down to 185 pounds. | ||
| Dude, I was a gangster. | ||
| Brian, if you pull up my Facebook page, on my fan Facebook page, the Burt Kreischer where I'm singing on the... | ||
| Joe, you'll see this. | ||
| I guarantee... | ||
| I'm almost waiting for your reaction of what you think I look like. | ||
| So you got super healthy. | ||
| And fucking met my wife in a good place. | ||
| Fucking fell in love. | ||
| Changed my life. | ||
| I'm the happiest man in the world. | ||
| And you think it's attributable to that one yoga class, one guy's speech. | ||
| That one dude, man. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| I hate that expression. | ||
| The wings of a butterfly can be the first steps. | ||
| There's many wings, though. | ||
| It will eventually become a hurricane. | ||
| Yeah, there's many wings. | ||
| I mean, my girlfriend in college also fucked my best friend and gave me the clap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, so that's part of... | ||
| Talk to me. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| She fucked my best friend. | ||
| When I was in Russia, she was fucking my best friend. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Who had the biggest dick in the world. | ||
| Like, I knew that. | ||
| Because she was my best friend. | ||
| Wow, your best friend fucked your girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It happened to me in high school. | ||
| And then they went to my graduation, like, with his family. | ||
| Or with her family. | ||
| Brian, go to my pictures. | ||
| I know you're on my Facebook. | ||
| Go to my pictures on my fan page where I'm singing on top of the Braves. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And you'll see... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That page. | ||
| And then just scroll through and you'll see one of me shirtless. | ||
| That you'll go, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| So this was the wings of the butterfly. | ||
| This turned you into... | ||
| One of the many wings of the butterfly. | ||
| You know, you have a few. | ||
| Uncomfortably dumb. | ||
| But this was a big one. | ||
| I don't know, Brian. | ||
| What were your wings? | ||
| What is my wings? | ||
| Give me some moments where you went, well, this is what I do from now on. | ||
| I'm real good at committing to shit. | ||
| If I like to do something, I'm real good at throwing my entire brain at it and becoming obsessed with it. | ||
| It's probably not healthy. | ||
| It's probably a lot of success, I think, and this is my belief about athletics, that a lot of success in athletics comes down to almost like a psychosis. | ||
| At a real high level, Of anything. | ||
| There's a certain amount of almost crazy behavior to get to this incredible position like Michael Jordan or Muhammad Ali or any elite highlight. | ||
| Mike Tyson in his prime. | ||
| There's a madness. | ||
| And I... From the time that I was a kid, I was involved in martial arts. | ||
| So it was like a choice that I made when I was like 14 or 15. And that was a choice that I was on until I was like 21. But when I realized that I had to stop fighting and stop teaching and just do comedy, I was talking to a kid. | ||
| His name was Jonathan. | ||
| I wish I remembered his last name. | ||
| We were open-mikers together, about six months into comedy. | ||
| I was still dabbling in it, and I still had my feet in all my other worlds, trying to find my place. | ||
| And this dude, who I'd done open mics with for like six months, goes, you were really funny in the beginning, but man, you just kind of petered out after a while. | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| And I couldn't even say anything because I knew he was right. | ||
| Oh, he was accurate? | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't say anything. | ||
| I couldn't say anything because in my head... | ||
| If someone says, you don't work hard enough, my instinct is always to go, fuck you. | ||
| But I know as a person who's... | ||
| You know, benefited greatly from very uncomfortable criticisms before. | ||
| Like some of the biggest growth moments you can have was where someone just knocks your dick into the dirt and lets you know what the fuck is up. | ||
| Great statement. | ||
| And then you step back. | ||
| And so I recognized early on to, you know, to be able to step back and objectively obsess when challenged like that. | ||
| So when that guy said that, I wanted to go, that's a dickhead thing to say. | ||
| Because, you know, he was my friend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I was like, he's right. | ||
| So I couldn't say anything. | ||
| So I said, this is it. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| I'm a fucking professional comedian. | ||
| I'm not having one foot in the door. | ||
| I closed down my school. | ||
| I quit my job teaching at BU. Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, I was teaching Taekwondo at Boston University, and I had a school in Revere at Nautilus Plus. | ||
| That's Bert Kreischer? | ||
| Sandy Bert Kreischer? | ||
| Dude, you're a fucking animal. | ||
| Oh, you saw the picture? | ||
| You look like a jiu-jitsu student. | ||
| Is that not fucking... | ||
| That's when I met my wife. | ||
| That's incredible, bro. | ||
| Dude... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| Bro, you look like a stud. | ||
| You look like you could choke somebody. | ||
| I was a fucking monster, man. | ||
| I wouldn't let you get double underhooks on me. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I was a fucking gangster. | ||
| If you want to see it, it's on my Facebook fucking... | ||
| What's my Facebook page, Brian? | ||
| Do you know the... | ||
| I just don't know the name. | ||
| Nah, I don't know what the name is. | ||
| Just type his name. | ||
| Just go to my Facebook page. | ||
| Hey, like me while you're there. | ||
| Why don't you just put that picture up on your mirror and fucking get up to it? | ||
| I'm trying hard. | ||
| I'm really trying hard. | ||
| Dude, you can do that. | ||
| I'm trying hard, man. | ||
| I'm not even fucking around. | ||
| I have my Fitbit. | ||
| I try to stay around 20,000 steps a day. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You have that crazy thing you carry around. | ||
| I got the Fitbit scale. | ||
| Have you got that yet, Brian? | ||
| Explain to people if they don't know what the Fitbit is. | ||
| I want Fitbit. | ||
| Fucking money, Fitbit. | ||
| Do you hear me? | ||
| I talk about this thing all the fucking time. | ||
| I don't think they have any money, dude. | ||
| It's only you using it. | ||
| It's me and Brian! | ||
| And Tom Segura! | ||
| And Tom Segura! | ||
| Yeah, but I bet they're not updating it as much. | ||
| They're not getting a lot of walkers! | ||
| Out of the three of us, we're like fucking paraplegics! | ||
| So I got this Fitbit. | ||
| This Fitbit is fucking... | ||
| It counts your steps, your calories, your flights of stairs as you walk. | ||
| It's the best thing. | ||
| You put it in your pocket, you just walk around with it, and it just keeps you active. | ||
| It counts your calories at the end of the day. | ||
| Did you have a butterfly moment that caused you to get a Fitbit? | ||
| You know what it was? | ||
| I've got to be dead honest with you. | ||
| I bought it, and I was like, oh, this is kind of neat. | ||
| And then I brought it here. | ||
| I guess I brought it here. | ||
| Or to the other studios. | ||
| And I had it, and Brian was like, oh, I'm going to get one. | ||
| And then Brian got one, and he emailed me, and he was like, hey, I'm following you on Fitbit. | ||
| That moment, I was like, fuck, I can't let Brian be here. | ||
| And I swear to you, I started like... | ||
| And then there was a Death Squad page, I guess, and they were all like fucking... | ||
| And I was like, I can't get... | ||
| Why don't you guys do this? | ||
| Would you both be interested in getting in shape? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, why not? | ||
| Brian, let me tell you something. | ||
| I'm going to be really honest, Brian. | ||
| If you don't get your life in order now, you're going to fucking pay for it when you're 39. Yeah. | ||
| That's only a year away. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Start it today. | ||
| I'm trying to fix my life health-wise now. | ||
| Well, that's certainly good because it's going to end. | ||
| The last years, depending on how much you're poisoning it now, depends on how well it's going to work in the last year. | ||
| The poison feels so fucking good. | ||
| Which poison feels good for you? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| The alcohol? | ||
| My drink has been cut back a lot. | ||
| Yeah, what else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People listen to this, Joe. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You're not a fucking real podcast. | ||
| You're fucking this podcast? | ||
| Yeah, those other podcasts are pussies. | ||
| I can fucking talk. | ||
| I can say, I go do some podcasts and I'll be like, fuck, I'll tell you anything you want. | ||
| No one's hearing this shit. | ||
| I've done podcasts where I've said things. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| That's fucking bad. | ||
| Well, I don't think that. | ||
| I think any podcast that gets on the internet, it's gonna... | ||
| But, you know, in this podcast, you can't back up. | ||
| Man, I've had panic moments on this podcast. | ||
| I've talked about shit, and I'm like... | ||
| And then you lay in bed, and you're like, it's not like this is Joe and his friends listening to it. | ||
| This is Joe and fucking... | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Let's do this, okay? | ||
| And you just let it swing. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| Let's celebrate. | ||
| Do you have another bottle? | ||
| I thought you were on a diet or something. | ||
| I'm on a diet. | ||
| Champagne doesn't count. | ||
| It's hiding behind the eye. | ||
| Champagne's like party stuff. | ||
| It's like party stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| Girls drink it on Sundays at noon. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They have mimosas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So this is what we're celebrating. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I say this in connection with what I was just saying. | ||
| And I've said this to you a number of times. | ||
| I've said this to you so many times that I have stopped saying it and I've thought it a lot. | ||
| And it's the reason I don't call sometimes when I want to thank you. | ||
| But this podcast has been life-changing for a bunch of us. | ||
| I think a lot of us that have done this have been fantastic. | ||
| This has been one of the greatest experiences of our lives, of our professional careers. | ||
| And because of this podcast, your boy... | ||
| Wrote a book. | ||
| You wrote a book? | ||
| I got a book deal, son. | ||
| Wow, that's awesome. | ||
| So I got a book deal. | ||
| It's coming out in a year and it is because of this podcast. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it is like one of my coolest life achievements ever. | ||
| It is something I'm so proud of. | ||
| It is something I will dedicate this next year to more than anything I'm working on that's obviously not like, oh, is that my book editor? | ||
| We're going, don't talk about it yet. | ||
| But I got to thank you, man, because I... I got the book deal, and the only reason I ever had an interest in doing a book is because of this podcast. | ||
| Well, you got a book deal because you're an interesting dude. | ||
| The only reason I got the meetings. | ||
| You know this better than anyone. | ||
| It's because you're you, man. | ||
| But the meetings showed up because people heard this podcast. | ||
| I appreciate that. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's awesome to hear. | ||
| But it wouldn't have meant anything if you weren't talented. | ||
| I do see that. | ||
| I appreciate that. | ||
| I've said this to you a number of times, but man, distinctly, the whole reason the whole thing came up is this fucking podcast. | ||
| I went to New York and people had heard this podcast and they were like, hey man, I heard that machine story on Joe's podcast. | ||
| Can you do a book? | ||
| And this is from your podcast, that tape got passed to all the book editors. | ||
| Another way of looking at it is how lucky am I that I get to be on a podcast with guys like you who have such great stories and That make people want to listen again. | ||
| Because your ego's in check. | ||
| That's fucking really sweet of you to say, Joe. | ||
| But I will genuinely toast. | ||
| It's not that it's sweet of me to say it. | ||
| It's 100% how I feel. | ||
| I think we're all real lucky. | ||
| This podcast has been a lot of fun. | ||
| We got a connection with people that we never thought would take place. | ||
| And I respect it. | ||
| I know Brian respects it. | ||
| And I know the people that go on the show, they... | ||
| We're all aware that this is really cool. | ||
| We're all aware that we have... | ||
| It's like the impact of a regular show, and yet you can just film it out of my fucked up office. | ||
| It's bizarre. | ||
| It's like showing up to San Francisco when the first dude's like... | ||
| Hey, man, can you guys keep a secret? | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| You know, and the connection with people. | ||
| Look, we did a show last night at the Ice House, and it was fucking amazing. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| The place is packed. | ||
| We sold it out on, like, one day's notice. | ||
| You know, we just said we were going to do a show there. | ||
| And it was mobbed with the coolest fucking people. | ||
| How badass was that show last night, Brian? | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Best audiences ever. | ||
| Wednesday night, a late night show, too. | ||
| We did a 10 p.m. | ||
| show. | ||
| Didn't even get started until, like, 10.30. | ||
| Dude, we're totally changing that whole entire Ice House. | ||
| We're bringing that fucking club back. | ||
| Because, I mean, a lot of the comics last night said, like Doug Benson, I used to love coming to the Ice House, but then something weird happened, and it started getting kind of different, and it wasn't that fun to go to anymore. | ||
| But tonight, that was one of the funnest times ever. | ||
| These are the best crowds we've ever had ever. | ||
| It's almost hard to believe. | ||
| You would assume that... | ||
| You know, you don't think that people have really different crowds. | ||
| You don't think that people like, you know what I mean? | ||
| You feel like, well, Chicago's different than New York, and New York is different than San Francisco. | ||
| But what's changed recently for us is that everywhere we go, the crowds have been amazing, like really nice people, like really enthusiastic. | ||
| And you've got to go... | ||
| How the fuck does that happen? | ||
| Like, how can you pull that off? | ||
| Like, what is... | ||
| No one ever thought that there was a formula for doing that. | ||
| No one ever thought that there was a formula where you could go and ensure that you would have a huge percentage of the population that kind of thinks along the same way that you think. | ||
| Be nice to people. | ||
| Be generous. | ||
| Be cool to your neighbors. | ||
| But think about the way you think, though. | ||
| Can you imagine that you found those people? | ||
| Like, when you go, hey, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, they found each other. | ||
| Well, no shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, can you imagine that a bunch of people that are into DMT mushrooms, MMA, fucking spiritual, like, vitamins, being healthy, like, all those people just showed up at once and you're like, shut the fuck up! | ||
| Like, and love comedy! | ||
| Like, love good fucking friends, good stories, enjoying each other. | ||
| Like, there's a camaraderie that is this network. | ||
| I think everybody likes good comedy, man. | ||
| I think unless you're a cunt, you like good comedy. | ||
| Unless you're like, you guys don't funny. | ||
| Unless you're one of those assholes. | ||
| Some people enjoy comedy that's not good. | ||
| Everyone that I've ever heard on your podcast, I don't think there's one exception is a comic that I would fucking pay to see. | ||
| Genuinely. | ||
| That's a large statement. | ||
| When you had Dom Herrera, that's like a... | ||
| He's so awesome. | ||
| He was on last night. | ||
| He's not Olympus, but he's like one of the gods that deals with traffic or whatever. | ||
| He's one of the fucking 12 gods. | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| His podcast, I listened on repeat when I was in Boston, because I was in Boston, and I was like, oh, I'm going to bed, I'll listen to Dom's over and over. | ||
| God, man. | ||
| He was on Tuesday, too. | ||
| He did Tuesday, too? | ||
| Yeah, he did Tuesday. | ||
| He's a fucking monster, man. | ||
| Like, everyone. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| You couldn't name one comic. | ||
| I will go this far, is that I've become friends with the majority of people that are regulars on this podcast, through this podcast, like Joey Diaz, Duncan, Brian, Ari. | ||
| Those are my friends. | ||
| And my life has expanded exponentially, friend-wise. | ||
| Like that, just to have those guys in my life, you know? | ||
| To have Duncan at my house the other day in the man cave, we're talking about fucking Duncan shit. | ||
| You know how Duncan's brain works? | ||
| And you tell him something, and he goes, oh, well, you're thinking it's not that, it's this, and it's from the Carl Jung book. | ||
| And then you're like, oh, you want a cigar? | ||
| And he's like, fuck you, we can't smoke cigars in here? | ||
| Let's do it, let's fucking do it! | ||
| You know, like I hear his voice in my head sometimes. | ||
| And to have Ari and to have all these people in your life, Yeah. | ||
| Dude, come on. | ||
| Yeah, we're very fortunate, man. | ||
| We're all very fortunate. | ||
| You know, it's been really interesting. | ||
| It's like I always, you know, we tried to do some stuff before. | ||
| We did like these little things called Joe Shows where we did videos of everywhere we would go. | ||
| You calling out Jenna Jameson about being a whore? | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| I wasn't a Joe show. | ||
| That is not me. | ||
| Jenna Jameson is nice. | ||
| I've never called her out for being a whore. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| She's a nice lady. | ||
| Where'd you get this from? | ||
| You're confusing me. | ||
| No, I swear to God, Joe show. | ||
| You went into Jenna Jameson on the Joe show, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, seriously. | ||
| It was a video of Kevin Jameson. | ||
| It was Jenna Jameson explaining to me how to eat pussy. | ||
| She's teaching me. | ||
| I wasn't calling her out or anything. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Jenna Jameson's cool. | ||
| We like Jenna Jameson. | ||
| Yeah, she's very cool. | ||
| She's a very nice lady. | ||
| You know, she was, not her, but Ginger Lynn was on Dave Attell's show last night. | ||
| I did Dave Attell's show, Dave's Old Porn. | ||
| That's a fucking fun show, man. | ||
| Really, have you ever done it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Why do you laugh? | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| I can definitely do it, but it's like Dave Attell. | ||
| He's calling his buddies. | ||
| He's calling you, Stan Hope. | ||
| He's calling his friends. | ||
| He's not going to call. | ||
| He's not going to do a casting call for it. | ||
| But I think you would love to do it with any kind of comics. | ||
| I mean, I'd love to do it with Dave. | ||
| Don't put yourself down like that. | ||
| It hurts my feelings when you go down on yourself. | ||
| Birdie, sweetie. | ||
| Cue the music. | ||
| But anyway, you know, just to be sitting there with Dave riffing on guys getting coke dicks, it was really fun. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| And then Ginger Lynn came on. | ||
| She watched her videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Old school. | |
| Yeah, she's one of the originators. | ||
| The Mount Rushmore porn, she's right up. | ||
| So if you could do a tour, right? | ||
| Dream tour. | ||
| No monies involved. | ||
| You and three comics. | ||
| Three of your equals. | ||
| Not like you can't bring Joey. | ||
| Not that Joey's not your equal, but I'm talking like three fucking big name draws. | ||
| Who would it be? | ||
| I wouldn't do that. | ||
| But you have to. | ||
| Let's pretend you have to. | ||
| You have a gun pointed at your butthole. | ||
| If it's like guys that I would want to work with, I would love to do a tour. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I would love to do Stan Hope, Norton, me, and who else? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| What a fucking monster show that would be. | ||
| Yeah, Attell and I have talked about doing some stuff together. | ||
| We should totally do that. | ||
| Me, Attell, and stand-up would be a lot of fun on the road, too. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Louis is way busy, man. | ||
| He's super successful right now. | ||
| He's so busy with his own stuff. | ||
| I don't think he has time to do anything like that. | ||
| Louis is busy redesigning the entertainment business. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I mean, the fucking guy produces his own comedy special, changes the whole game. | ||
| Everybody, including me, following suit now. | ||
| Produces his own fucking show, edits on a laptop, directs it, writes it all. | ||
| I mean, I'm not asking that guy to do shit. | ||
| I sent him an email, asked him to do the podcast. | ||
| He said he would someday when he gets time, but, you know, I'm not pushing it. | ||
| That guy's busy as fuck. | ||
| I love having a guy like that out there. | ||
| I think it's very inspirational. | ||
| Fuck, yeah. | ||
| He inspires me the most, any comedian. | ||
| And not even material-wise. | ||
| If I had to choose to treat the guy that makes me laugh the hardest, it's Stan Hope. | ||
| Stan Hope's new fucking CD before he turns a gun on himself. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| And I'll put this up there. | ||
| Patrice's last CD was great, but Patrice's Our Special, Elephant in the Room, was fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, that was really good. | ||
| And Stanhope's CD, I bought it myself, I purchased it as a consumer, and I fucking listened to it, and I was laughing out loud. | ||
| No, it's not what my wife likes, but I had to, I was like, I gotta test her. | ||
| I gotta bring her in the room and let her hear this track. | ||
| Because it's that fucking funny. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| He's in town right now. | ||
| Or he was yesterday. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| He did Dave's show. | ||
| I gotta call him out. | ||
| He wants to fucking get behind Gary, whatever the fuck his name is. | ||
| The guy from New Mexico. | ||
| Former governor of New Mexico. | ||
| Man, there are some Stanhope stories that I tell. | ||
| You know what's really crazy? | ||
| I was sitting with a group of... | ||
| Shit, this would be... | ||
| Oh, I was sitting with a group of chefs. | ||
| Gary Johnson, sorry. | ||
| That's who Stanhope wants to get behind. | ||
| I was sitting with a group of chefs at a restaurant called Campanilli on La Brea, and they were talking about food. | ||
| They were talking about this great restaurant on Fairfax called Animal. | ||
| Have you ever been there? | ||
| He was just talking about it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| I've never been there. | ||
| I'd love to go. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| They have everything. | ||
| They have veal brains. | ||
| It's kind of expensive, though, but... | ||
| I'd heard it's great. | ||
| So they're talking about gossip, about food and what good food places are to eat. | ||
| And then I said to them, I was like, this is really cool. | ||
| It's like being in the green room of a comedy club and listening to a bunch of headliners talk about what comic I should look out for. | ||
| And they were like, well, what comic should we look out for? | ||
| And I was like, that's a fucking horrible question. | ||
| So I don't even know who you guys like. | ||
| And one of the guys goes, we love Doug Stanhope. | ||
| And I was like, I didn't see that coming. | ||
| Just because they're in the corporate world. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| And they're like, man, his last special. | ||
| Who likes to be in the corporate world? | ||
| How many people are in there that are enjoying that? | ||
| Not a lot. | ||
| That's just where they're at. | ||
| They're stuck. | ||
| You know, that's a shit existence. | ||
| The weirdest thing about our whole society, our whole culture, is in order for it to work the way it is right now, we can go to the store and buy a fucking soda and get in a car and just turn the key and drive it. | ||
| Someone has to do some shit that they don't want to do. | ||
| They don't want to do. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Someone's got to take it on the chin every fucking morning. | ||
| I mean, you've got to recognize that unless they can figure out how to make robots that do everything, And even that, are you really going to find a guy that wants to program that robot to do everything? | ||
| Or is it going to be a job that he has to do? | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| I mean, there's no way that everybody could live the life of Burt Kreischer. | ||
| It's not possible. | ||
| Someone's got to be out there huffing at Burt. | ||
| Ditches need to be dug. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone's got to dig a fucking ditch. | ||
| I mean, I genuinely... | ||
| Look up to those guys who build fences sometimes. | ||
| I'm not shitting on my existence at all. | ||
| I'm not saying that I have it hard. | ||
| But sometimes I do miss my family and I go, man, I don't have a choice. | ||
| I have to go to Scotland for two weeks. | ||
| It's a great gig to go to Scotland for two weeks or go to Italy for two weeks back to back with three days off. | ||
| But it does suck. | ||
| You miss your family. | ||
| And some days you look at the guy building the fence and you're like, man, he sees his kids every fucking morning. | ||
| And he's like, and no one gives him notes on his fence. | ||
| Like, hey man, you gotta like do it this way a little bit. | ||
| Are you getting that for your show? | ||
| You get notes on like what to do? | ||
| Of course, all the time. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| Is it annoying? | ||
| No, you know what? | ||
| I should write a book about how to get through the corporate world of television. | ||
| Like, not famous television, but making television. | ||
| And just be cool with it. | ||
| Because I get it, man. | ||
| I totally fucking get it. | ||
| I get when they go, we need more information. | ||
| You're not making comedy, though. | ||
| The grossest thing is when you're making comedy and you get the notes. | ||
| It was way easier for me to have a bunch of people that have a bunch of different opinions on how something should be done on Fear Factor than it would be if they were trying to deconstruct my stand-up. | ||
| Have you done a Comedy Central special? | ||
| Did you have to go over your material with them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How'd that go? | ||
| Not well. | ||
| I had to do it. | ||
| I had to do two. | ||
| The first one I had to do, Pat Buckles. | ||
| I had to go over it with her. | ||
| Like, she read it back to me. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Fucking. | ||
| And I'm about to go on stage and not one laugh. | ||
| Like, silence. | ||
| Because I'm not going to laugh at my shit. | ||
| She doesn't understand it. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| No laugh. | ||
| Why would she laugh at you? | ||
| Yeah, Pat Pebble's a nice person, but she just was like... | ||
| It's part of the groove, though. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| Her first thing was, alright, so let's do it. | ||
| My name's Bert. | ||
| I know you're thinking hot, sexy name. | ||
| Bert, Bert, Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm? | |
| And I go, yep. | ||
| She goes, okay. | ||
| Where are the bitches at? | ||
| Is that you? | ||
| I go, yep. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| We're going to take bitches off. | ||
| Can you change that? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Whoa, she wants to change where the bitch is at? | ||
| Just real, like, it was real, like, going through it. | ||
| And I was about to go on stage and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| So you were like, none of that's funny. | ||
| And Barry Katz the whole time is arguing behind me going, he wants a lav mic. | ||
| He wants a lav mic. | ||
| I go, no I don't. | ||
| I want a fucking microphone in my hand. | ||
| He wants a fucking lav mic. | ||
| Get him a lav mic. | ||
| I go, Barry, I don't want a lav mic. | ||
| Bill Bellamy, we're a lav mic. | ||
| Can he kill? | ||
| What the fuck about Bill Bellamy? | ||
| Was Barry Katz your manager at one point? | ||
| At the time he was. | ||
| You fired him too. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| I fired him in an elevator. | ||
| How many guys have fired him? | ||
| Dave Chappelle. | ||
| Was he your manager at one point? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Didn't he owe you money or something? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He owed me money for a long time. | ||
| He owned a company that was called New York Comedy or Boston Company. | ||
| New York Entertainment. | ||
| They got in a hole and they started owing people money from college gigs. | ||
| But he paid me eventually. | ||
| But it took a while. | ||
| He's not a bad guy. | ||
| I don't know if I would say that. | ||
| I'll say it. | ||
| I'll say it. | ||
| He's not a bad guy. | ||
| I definitely am not going to be my manager right now. | ||
| Everybody's fired him. | ||
| Who else fired him? | ||
| Think about Anthony Clark. | ||
| His list of being fired is fucking bad. | ||
| Dave Chappelle. | ||
| Jay still has him, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Amazing. | |
| Yep. | ||
| Does Dane still have him? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No. | ||
| Dane fired him. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Dude, I tried. | ||
| Dane Cook fired Barry Katz. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We talked about it. | ||
| Joe, we talked about it on a podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We did? | |
| On the Ice House. | ||
| When Dane came in to talk about... | ||
| I thought I was thinking about myself. | ||
| Not paying attention to him at all. | ||
| I tend to blank out, too, when you start talking about Barry Katz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just go... | |
| You're not a bad guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The... | |
| What were we talking about? | ||
| Oh, yeah, so that was how I did my Comedy Central special with Barry going, he wants to wear a lav. | ||
| Why is he doing that? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go... | |
| I get to the fucking... | ||
| I tell him a hundred times... | ||
| So he just decides that you'll be better off with a lav? | ||
| He looks better with a lav. | ||
| You should have worn a suit. | ||
| I love your impersonation. | ||
| I actually do. | ||
| I actually do a better impression. | ||
| I do a really great Barry impression. | ||
| If you know Barry, I do a great one. | ||
| Like, if you've worked with Barry, because, like, Brian, so you be me, okay? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| So, wait, this is exactly how real Barry works, okay? | ||
| So, Brian, tell me about your podcast. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What are you doing, Brian? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| The point is, he listens and he never speaks. | ||
| So you end up telling him more than you'd ever want to tell anybody. | ||
| So he go, he just nods like, okay. | ||
| Well, you know, you need to turn that shit back on him. | ||
| I was a child. | ||
| I was a kid. | ||
| Don't just fill the air for him. | ||
| Just stare at him. | ||
| He did give me the best fucking advice. | ||
| He's given me the best pump-up speeches and the best advices of my life that I never took. | ||
| What would that be? | ||
| The best advice he ever gave. | ||
| The first development deal I got was I was doing comedy six months. | ||
| He was like, can I give you some advice, Papa? | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| He goes, hold on for a second. | ||
| Then he just goes, disappears in his office and comes back. | ||
| He's like, Get information, don't give it. | ||
| And I go, what does that mean? | ||
| He goes, exactly. | ||
| And hangs up. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| That's how a manager should handle things. | ||
| Be mysterious. | ||
| Indirect. | ||
| And he basically was saying, do not tell anyone you've got a development deal. | ||
| Just listen. | ||
| I wish I did that. | ||
| I wish I'd done that, because I'd made a bunch of enemies, like, starting in comedy, because I was like, I signed a six-figure development deal, and everyone's like, but you worked the door, and I was like, I know, isn't that crazy? | ||
| And no one was like, congratulations! | ||
| Everyone's like, fuck this guy! | ||
| So, I wish I'd listened to him, but I didn't. | ||
| I'm not a get information, give. | ||
| I'm a give information kind of guy. | ||
| You know what I mean, Joe? | ||
| I'm pretty fucked up. | ||
| So why'd you fire him? | ||
| Because he didn't get me. | ||
| He didn't get my sense of humor. | ||
| I did a prank call. | ||
| He got purchased by New Wave Entertainment. | ||
| I did a prank call to New Wave one time. | ||
| I just called in, and it was their, like, voicemail for the entire 500-people-person company. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I went, and I was like, and it was like, leave a message in the general mailbox. | ||
| And I hit that. | ||
| And then I go, Barry, it's Bert. | ||
| I'm fucked up. | ||
| Pick me up. | ||
| Barry, I know you're listening to this. | ||
| Pick up the phone. | ||
| Barry, pick up the fucking phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Barry! | |
| Brian, I know you're there in your underwear. | ||
| Grab it. | ||
| Brian Volkweis. | ||
| Brian, grab it. | ||
| Grab it. | ||
| And then Barry got really upset. | ||
| He was like, dude, you can't do that. | ||
| I mean, there are fucking adults at work here. | ||
| I go, it was a joke, Barry. | ||
| I'm a fucking comic. | ||
| You gotta get that. | ||
| And he was like, it's not a joke. | ||
| You were hammered. | ||
| And I was like, no. | ||
| It was a fucking joke. | ||
| Do I really think you're sitting by a real answering machine at New Wave? | ||
| I got so upset. | ||
| Is he an AA guy at all? | ||
| No, but he is. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't think he is. | ||
| I don't think he drinks. | ||
| I know he doesn't drink. | ||
| Is he against drinking? | ||
| Is he like the Tempe improv? | ||
| He is not. | ||
| I would definitely say he's not for drinking. | ||
| He was never for my drinking. | ||
| At his wedding, I was hammered and shirtless. | ||
| I was sitting with Bobcat, Jeff Ross, John DiMaggio. | ||
| You remember him? | ||
| John DiMaggio, the red giant around guy? | ||
| Yeah, sure, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And that table, that group of... | ||
| Where the fuck is that guy? | ||
| Dude, he's still around. | ||
| He's fucking... | ||
| Oh, he's fucking awesome. | ||
| I run into him so much. | ||
| So John DiMaggio and I... Oh, man, Barry's wedding was the best because everyone was fucked up except for Barry. | ||
| And Barry was trying to micromanage everything. | ||
| And all he had was just a bunch of fucking stone talent. | ||
| So me, Jeff Ross, and John DiMaggio go behind the stage to smoke a joint. | ||
| We all get smoking joint, and then John DiMaggio goes, don't worry, I know how to get in here. | ||
| And he just opens a curtain to get us to the ballroom where everyone's having the ceremony. | ||
| Opens a curtain, me, Jeff Ross, and him walk out, and we're on stage with Barry's grandmother reading a note. | ||
| And it was like, ugh! | ||
| And we're high as fuck. | ||
| And we're like, ugh! | ||
| So then we all go sit down and everyone starts giving personal notes, right? | ||
| I'm sitting next to... | ||
| I want to say it's either Bobcat or Jeff Ross. | ||
| And I'm fucking hammered. | ||
| I'm hammered. | ||
| And everyone's going up and saying special words. | ||
| Frank Caliendo came up and did... | ||
| Like six impressions in three minutes. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's three minutes of thunder. | ||
| He went and did it. | ||
| Every comic's coming up. | ||
| This is a wedding? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It sounds awesome. | ||
| But it was actually a good impression. | ||
| Did some time at a wedding? | ||
| Frank Caliander was very talented. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So people are going up and... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dude, I would have loved to have done five minutes at your wedding. | ||
| It was a fun wedding if you were not Barry. | ||
| Buddy Hackett's there, right? | ||
| This gets even better. | ||
| This gets even fucking better, okay? | ||
| So, everyone's going up and saying words. | ||
| John DiMaggio goes up and says words. | ||
| Jeff Ross goes up and says words. | ||
| I want to say Bobcat did. | ||
| I doubt he did, though, knowing who he is. | ||
| I'm sitting in between him and Bobcat and Jeff, and one of them starts going, you should talk. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| I'm like, get on stage, say something. | ||
| Total dick move, right? | ||
| I should not be speaking at all, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Talk! | |
| Say something! | ||
| So I get up on stage, grab the mic right when they start playing the voicemails from Australia from his wife's family who can't be there. | ||
| So I just talk over all of them. | ||
| It's really good to be here! | ||
| And they're like, let me miss you, Susanna! | ||
| It was a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And you kept talking? | ||
| Because I'm so fucked up I didn't hear a thing, right? | ||
| So the fucking... | ||
| I get off stage. | ||
| I get off stage. | ||
| Buddy Hackett gets on right after me. | ||
| They're still playing fucking voicemails, right? | ||
| Buddy Hackett gets on. | ||
| He's more fucked up than I am. | ||
| And there's a fucking... | ||
| There's a piano that's humming going... | ||
| And Buddy Hackett, in typical Buddy Hackett voice, goes, turn the fucking piano off! | ||
| And they're like, and everyone laughs. | ||
| And he goes, I'm being fucking serious! | ||
| Turn the fucking piano off! | ||
| And everyone laughs even harder. | ||
| He goes, do it or I'll fix it! | ||
| And everyone laughs even harder. | ||
| He throws his drink on the piano, right? | ||
| Electric piano. | ||
| It goes... | ||
| Like, we see sparks, smoke comes out, and the place falls on the ground laughing, right? | ||
| Buddy Hackett goes, that's what I'm talking about! | ||
| Everyone applauds. | ||
| It is awesome. | ||
| He threw a fucking drink on an electric piano. | ||
| And Barry had to pay like 25 grand for the fucking piano. | ||
| So at the end of the wedding, Barry's like, fucking worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just cavalcaded up to shit on shit on shit. | |
| It was a great wedding. | ||
| How much did he have to pay for the piano? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The way I tell the story, 25 grand. | ||
| But probably five grand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was a Beatles cover man. | ||
| It was a great story. | ||
| Buddy Hackett's a badass and you fucked with him, Joe. | ||
| I didn't fuck with him. | ||
| Buddy got mad at me. | ||
| Buddy, I saw that. | ||
| I didn't even respond to him. | ||
| He's a gangster. | ||
| I didn't respond to him at all. | ||
| This whole time you fucked with a gangster. | ||
| I guess I did. | ||
| He apparently was a very angry dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a nice guy. | ||
| I met Buddy a few times. | ||
| I liked him a lot. | ||
| I was on the first season of Comicstown. | ||
| I watched it on my couch, Joe. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| It was like, really? | ||
| This guy was clearly stealing material in me. | ||
| I never heard those jokes! | ||
| He's like yelling at me, you're a fucking asshole! | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| But you handled it like a gentleman. | ||
| Because he was a guy who stole jokes. | ||
| That's a guy who stole jokes. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| When a guy responds like that, exactly, that's how they did it. | ||
| But when a guy responds like that, there's only one reason, man. | ||
| I mean, psychologically speaking, why would you be so Adamant about the idea that this guy wasn't a thief and that you never heard those jokes before. | ||
| Like, what are you saying? | ||
| And then the other chick who was there was like, he made him his own. | ||
| He made those jokes his own. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| It was Monique. | ||
| She was like, yeah, you made those jokes your own. | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| I was like, you made them your own. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Last coming standing was not the yardstick for it. | ||
| And by the way, by the way, the judging. | ||
| This was a Barry Katz show, too. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Oh, yeah, it was. | ||
| And by the way, the judging was complete, total horseshit. | ||
| It didn't matter. | ||
| There was people that we voted for that didn't get in and people that we didn't vote for that got in. | ||
| They had decided the producers all got together and decided how to how to put people on no I remember I did last coming to remember Drew Carey walked off It was a judge and who else did matter because of Dan Aderman Dan Aderman is a very funny comic and he should have won, but he just wasn't castable like He wasn't one of the guys they were looking for. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| They're ideas of who's castable and who's not. | ||
| You know, it's so funny whenever you get a bunch of people, like, I'm so used to doing the podcast where there's no one telling us what to do, but to watch, like, Dave Attell do a show yesterday, and the guy's like, can you sit up? | ||
| Can you move this? | ||
| The guy actually asked me, can you push your right pant leg down a little? | ||
| And I was like, why? | ||
| Well, it's kind of puffy in that one spot. | ||
| I'm like, oh my fucking god. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucking insane. | |
| What kind of weirdo micromanaging? | ||
| You're looking at puffs on pants? | ||
| But that's how they do it, man. | ||
| What's their job? | ||
| When you're on a show, yeah, exactly. | ||
| It is their job. | ||
| Five, six different people all yelling instructions and all trying to piece this thing together. | ||
| It's way less harmonious than you piecing it together on your own. | ||
| Less is more. | ||
| Do you feel like that with your show? | ||
| Do you ever feel like with Birth to Conquer? | ||
| Like, man, I should take the reins on this bitch and just... | ||
| Figure out how to do it myself. | ||
| Do you ever feel like that? | ||
| I do. | ||
| I do, but I feel like I would fuck it up. | ||
| You would? | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| And I don't know if I could say this forever, but I will definitely say this for right now. | ||
| The people I'm working with right now, and I'm not talking about my whole production company. | ||
| I'm just talking about executive-wise. | ||
| Executives, the ones I'm working with, really seem like they know what they're doing. | ||
| Yeah, you have a good crew. | ||
| It's like the UFC. I have a fucking really good crew. | ||
| And so what they're doing now... | ||
| And I'm not doing Birth to Conquer anymore. | ||
| I'm doing a different show. | ||
| What are you doing now? | ||
| It's called Trip Flip. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's such a good idea. | ||
| It's a great... | ||
| It's a fucking... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's a great show. | ||
| We go and we fucking take people on vacation. | ||
| Like a fucking ridiculous vacation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| We show them how to vacation. | ||
| We tell them, we go to the Mall of America, or we'll find them there, we go to the Mall of America, and we go, who wants to go to Mexico? | ||
| And people go, I do. | ||
| And we go, great, I'll show you what to do in Mexico. | ||
| I'm taking it to Cabo, and I'm not going to make you go stay at the resort. | ||
| I'm going to take you, and I'm going to show you real cool shit to do in Cabo. | ||
| So as a viewer, you watch it, and you go, shut up, I can go fucking Baja racing? | ||
| Like, I can do that for the day? | ||
| I can ride camels on the beach to a tequila tasting? | ||
| Like, we show you the coolest shit to do in the cities. | ||
| It seems like the most ideal fucking job ever. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| You get the best vacations every fucking show. | ||
| We were in Cancun driving Lamborghinis, Ferraris, and Mercedes 140 miles an hour on open fucking roads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because we found, and you'll find it too when you watch it, the company that has paid off the Federales to let them fucking drive these cars 140 miles on open roads. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's Mexico. | ||
| I mean, that's the way it works. | ||
| They teach you on a track. | ||
| You've got to run a track for half the day, and then they take you out to Tulum, and you can just air these bitches out. | ||
| Have you seen that video online of the guy in a Lamborghini? | ||
| Yeah, Lamborghini. | ||
| He goes sideways around a corner and sandwiches in between. | ||
| Do you think that's a fake video? | ||
| I think it's a fake video. | ||
| It can't be. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, it can't be. | ||
| Why do you think it's fake? | ||
| Because it's one of those videos that's like, one, why is a guy just, I don't know, recording the Lamborghini? | ||
| The people do that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| People do that all the time. | ||
| And then it's just like how it was placed. | ||
| Most people do stupid shit. | ||
| Like he was barely going fast and he loses control. | ||
| Did you notice that? | ||
| Like he just, he wasn't going like super fast. | ||
| He just like kind of sped up fast. | ||
| Like how did he lose control of his Lamborghini that bad? | ||
| And then how it was placed in between the two cars. | ||
| It's like, alright, this is some kind of weird, fake video. | ||
| Like, who's behind it, though? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Like, Lamborghini, maybe? | ||
| Well, I would say you probably got a good point, but Lamborghinis are notoriously hard to control. | ||
| That's a four-wheel drive car, too. | ||
| That's a funky car. | ||
| They're really hard to control. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially because it's all, like, paddle... | ||
| I might not be. | ||
| See, that's the Gallardo, the one that crashed. | ||
| And the Gallardo, you can still get him with a manual. | ||
| He might have overhit the gas on a shift. | ||
| He might have went sideways. | ||
| Joe, did you want any champagne? | ||
| Sure, I'll have some. | ||
| And he might have had to... | ||
| It might be real. | ||
| But I agree with you. | ||
| It doesn't look weird. | ||
| Suspicious physics, right? | ||
| It's weird that you said it because I saw it last night for my first time and immediately I looked at it going... | ||
| How did he just lose control that fast? | ||
| It wasn't that fast. | ||
| He wasn't going that fast. | ||
| Well, it doesn't matter when you're going around a corner, especially if the streets are wet. | ||
| You're using street tires. | ||
| When a car gets out of control, there's no fucking bringing it back. | ||
| Just a little bit. | ||
| Well, it's hard. | ||
| You have to know how to drive. | ||
| There's a great video of two guys in Corvettes, and there's a guy behind him who films it, and they're in Sugar Land. | ||
| Not in Sugar Land. | ||
| The Woodlands, I think, in Texas. | ||
| One of those. | ||
| And they take off at the light. | ||
| One guy fucking completely... | ||
| He loses control. | ||
| T-bones the other car. | ||
| Right in front of him. | ||
| It's a real video. | ||
| That's super real. | ||
| Because the guy that watched the video, alright, let's see what these assholes do. | ||
| You know they're going to race. | ||
| And he got it. | ||
| That guy's going to be filming everything from now on. | ||
| What a great thing to catch on film. | ||
| And here's another thing to always think about when you look at these videos. | ||
| It's like, you know the majority of people you know. | ||
| Like, I'm a little different. | ||
| If I were to have filmed it, it would be a little different. | ||
| The majority of people you know, when you're in a car, you're filming, you use your iPhone, you're steering, you're doing all this shit. | ||
| When you're going around a corner, he was really good with making sure he caught every single thing that happened while he's driving and filming. | ||
| It was just too good of like, okay, yeah, you got the money shot. | ||
| Where in reality, it was probably like this phone would be flopping around looking at fucking ceilings and shit. | ||
| That's a very... | ||
| Very good point. | ||
| And it's like you kind of forget that, yes, it's filmed on a shitty camera and it looks realistic, but the money shot was recorded perfectly. | ||
| Everything was recorded a little bit too perfectly. | ||
| And as somebody that does that kind of shit, it's kind of like I know what the reality is. | ||
| If this is just some guy filming it, he would have been filming his girlfriend's crotch. | ||
| It would have been just like... | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Brian, if that had been you, you would have gotten the shot perfectly. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But there's a lot of yous out there. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to realize this guy is a guy who's filming things. | ||
| By having a guy who's like, who knows? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Was it supposed to be the guy driving that was filming that? | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I saw it last night, so I don't even remember. | ||
| Some guy showed it to me at the show last night. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of douchebags out there driving like that. | ||
| There are a lot of cars out there that are super powerful, and they're getting more powerful every year. | ||
| That's what's really nuts. | ||
| Every time Lamborghini has to put a new car out, they're going to make it more powerful. | ||
| Last year was 500 horsepower. | ||
| $600,000 was the car I was driving. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I tried to explain to the people we were driving it with. | ||
| They were younger. | ||
| I was like, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. | ||
| This will never happen again. | ||
| Unless you become a super baller and start buying up them bitches. | ||
| What kind of car was it that you were driving? | ||
| The fucking $600,000 one. | ||
| It's a Lamborghini? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Murcielago or the Aventor? | ||
| It was black. | ||
| Aventador? | ||
| It was black. | ||
| I think the Aventador is the new one. | ||
| Had the paddle shifters. | ||
| The sound those things make. | ||
| It's like demons. | ||
| I heard you and I want to say that by osmosis, you know, like by listening to you enough, I don't know if you've said this about cars, but I did say this on TV and I definitely, I could hear you in my head saying that the car barked at you. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people say that. | ||
| Like, they would fucking... | ||
| And I could hear it barking at me, and I fucking loved it. | ||
| I loved to hear it. | ||
| Those are manly sounding cars. | ||
| Lamborghinis and Ferraris have some of the sweetest tones, like the exhaust tones. | ||
| God, man. | ||
| Yeah, people, there's like videos on YouTube where people just have Lamborghini exhaust notes. | ||
| It's got that crazy... | ||
| I think some of them have V12s, right? | ||
| Doesn't the Murcielago have a V12? I'm a horrible host because all I know is that it barked at me. | ||
| Yeah, those are fucking beastly cars. | ||
| But they're so stupid. | ||
| There's a Michael Vick dog in between my legs. | ||
| It's like, what are you doing with that crazy thing? | ||
| Really? | ||
| In the States, what are you doing? | ||
| Because you can't drive it over 100 miles per hour. | ||
| Like, you'll go to jail over 100 miles an hour. | ||
| Were you really? | ||
| Yeah, that's what they were saying. | ||
| The guy that started the company in Cancun was saying, I had all these cars, but I was in the States and I couldn't use them. | ||
| And I came down to Mexico once and some guy said, you know, you have a pair of Federales. | ||
| You can drive whatever you want. | ||
| Why did he have all these cars? | ||
| Because he was rich. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| As a business, he decided to take all his cars that he wasn't into or not driving, send them to Cancun, pay off the Federales, and you can just take them out for the day. | ||
| You've got to go in a group. | ||
| It's not like you just get a Lamborghini to air out, but it's fucking fun. | ||
| I've never driven anything 140 miles an hour. | ||
| Yeah, racing cars is fun. | ||
| It's got to be very addictive. | ||
| Fucking, dude, all this shit. | ||
| Anytime you get your body to go faster than it's supposed to. | ||
| You feel the G-forces when you're going around corners. | ||
| And you make up. | ||
| We were going around corners at 70 miles an hour. | ||
| That's fucking seven. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, put that in perspective. | ||
| What you do on an interstate? | ||
| I was taking corners at that shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty great. | ||
| And you make your real face. | ||
| Like, there's no cool face when you drive a car that fast. | ||
| You make your real face like that. | ||
| Like, I did this. | ||
| Like, I go... | ||
| Because that's what I do when I do that speed. | ||
| Did you feel the rear end sliding on you at all? | ||
| Yeah, because it was raining. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| For the morning, it was raining. | ||
| You have to be careful with a car that's got that much power, too, when you stomp on the gas. | ||
| You know, like that stupid car that I have, that Shelby, the Mustang. | ||
| Every time I hit second gear, you've got to make sure you don't stomp on the gas too much, because it will go sideways on you. | ||
| In second gear, it'll give you a little... | ||
| Yeah, if Burt Chrysler can drive this car, I doubt the odds that that guy in that video, you know? | ||
| Yeah, if I can drive that car, that guy should be able to fucking do it! | ||
| You say that though, but a lot of people buy cars and they don't necessarily know how to handle them when the ass hand goes out on them. | ||
| I would not be able to recover that car. | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| And sometimes you don't want to let go of the steering, or you don't want to let go of the gas either. | ||
| Sometimes you have to power oversteer. | ||
| You have to fight it with the throttle. | ||
| You have to keep your foot on the gas, because if it snaps back, if it catches grip, and then while you're already in a turn, you can get fucked. | ||
| It depends entirely on the car, too. | ||
| Yeah, those cars are meant to be driven like that. | ||
| Like Porsches are notorious for like, they have a rear weight bias because they have like an engine in the rear. | ||
| So like when you're going around corners like sideways, you're dealing with the physics of this engine hanging out back. | ||
| It's like 60% of the weight is in the ass end of the car. | ||
| So if you had a friend who came to you and was like, man, I just got my big deal. | ||
| Oh, I need some, I want to buy a car. | ||
| What's the one car would you get? | ||
| It depends on what kind of a person he was. | ||
| Single dude. | ||
| Yeah, but is he an animal? | ||
| Is he a calm fellow that likes a comfortable car? | ||
| No, you know who he is? | ||
| He's Dane Cook. | ||
| Because I'll never forget the conversation you had with Dane when Dane talked about his Maserati that was a lemon. | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| I think it wasn't a Maserati. | ||
| I think it was a... | ||
| Bentley? | ||
| No. | ||
| Aston Martin. | ||
| Aston Martin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| So, like, if you could go back in time and give Dane a car to pick up to buy... | ||
| For like, hey, man, this is your first, like, there's a treat. | ||
| If you want a really well-engineered car, you can't go wrong with a Porsche. | ||
| They're just so well-engineered. | ||
| Except your first Porsche that you had. | ||
| That was like a shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was it 411s? | ||
| 911? | ||
| 911. 911. It was called a 996. 996 Turbo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it a 611 where you just called AT&T? That's when you want to find out what you owe. | |
| But yeah, I had one car that I had five problems with it in two years before I got rid of it. | ||
| I liked your car after that. | ||
| You had the best car after that. | ||
| I wish you still had that car. | ||
| Oh, the Acura NSX? Fuck yeah, that was like a fucking Matchbox car. | ||
| That was so cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's a dope car. | ||
| They're coming out with a new one, you know. | ||
| Acura is ready to make a new NSX. I think it comes out in 2013. They had it in the Avengers. | ||
| Remember the car that he gets in? | ||
| That was a prototype. | ||
| I know that shit. | ||
| Are Jaguars girl cars? | ||
| Because I saw a Jaguar convertible the other day and a girl was driving and I was like, Damn, that's so beautiful. | ||
| Why does it have to be a girl car? | ||
| Jaguars are awesome. | ||
| Nick Schwartz has got a beautiful Jaguar. | ||
| They're super powerful, too. | ||
| The new ones, they have these XKSs, I think it is. | ||
| They have some beastly fucking cars now. | ||
| They're great cars, man. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I would tell, for most people, I would say just get a well-engineered car. | ||
| You don't really want a race car or anything. | ||
| I'll tell you what the best fucking car around right now is, in my opinion, dead serious, like for the money, the, what's the Genesis? | ||
| The Hyundai? | ||
| Hyundai Genesis. | ||
| Oh, the one that looks like a Mercedes. | ||
| Dude, it is a great fucking car. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Hyundai puts out a great fucking car. | ||
| Well, especially this one. | ||
| This one, they've basically taken all the design elements of Mercedes and Lexus. | ||
| They're the best cars. | ||
| They essentially made the same kind of car. | ||
| It's real fucking similar. | ||
| It's gorgeous. | ||
| It's a great car. | ||
| I mean, it looks like a Mercedes. | ||
| It looks like a Mercedes, and it's got all the shit a Mercedes has got. | ||
| It just doesn't have the, like, whatever the thing that makes the Mercedes $90,000. | ||
| Well, it's very high-end, they said. | ||
| They said it's very comfortable to drive. | ||
| And they're really reliable cars, too. | ||
| The thing about Hyundais is it's not like it's a shit car. | ||
| They're reliable cars, just as much so as any other car that's in that price range. | ||
| That's pretty nice. | ||
| $34,000 in comparison to... | ||
| Visually-wise, I don't think it's anything special. | ||
| Well, neither is the Lexus. | ||
| Look at the Lexus LS460, I think it is, the new one, whatever it is. | ||
| Beautiful car, but real sedate. | ||
| It's all about luxurious transportation in those cars, like a Lexus. | ||
| Those cars are so quiet and peaceful. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's like, yeah, if you're into that, man, I'd say get a Lexus. | ||
| Those Lexus four-doors are like the most relaxing. | ||
| They absorb bumps. | ||
| They're not handling cars. | ||
| It's not a car you're going to go around a corner and hit the gas and get a fucking good feeling in your balls. | ||
| Gary Valentine, when we were working together on the X show, had a green Lexus. | ||
| And his whole thing was that... | ||
| Joe, you did it with us. | ||
| I remember, I remember. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he had a green Lexus, and his whole thing was how silent it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So we got the car one time, we're members of a country club called Robinson Ranch. | ||
| Me, Gary, and I think his brother, and a few other people. | ||
| So one time we get in valet, we get into the car, and he just shuts the door, and he looks at me, he goes, Burtzki, how fucking quiet is this car? | ||
| And he goes, pretty quiet. | ||
| And he goes, it's pretty fucking quiet, right? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, put it in drive, it's not on. | ||
| Fucking totally drunk. | ||
| It's just fucking... | ||
| Fucking Gary Valentine. | ||
| I miss that motherfucker. | ||
| Do you remember Mike Burton? | ||
| Mike Burton. | ||
| What would I remember? | ||
| Mike Burton, a comic from L.A., hung around the improv comedy store. | ||
| Yeah, now he teaches Krav Maga. | ||
| But Mike Burton. | ||
| This is my favorite Gary Valentine story. | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| And I know that... | ||
| I mean, you've got to have Gary on one time. | ||
| I'd love to. | ||
| God, he's fucking funny. | ||
| So one time we decide, we do the X show, we wrap on Thursday, and we decide, we go to Formosa and have drinks, and I say to Gary, I go, we should go to Vegas. | ||
| And he was like, let's do it! | ||
| And we look at Mike Burton, and which one's that? | ||
| Mike Burton. | ||
| That's Mike Burton, yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, I know that. | ||
| You know Mike Burton. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| So we go to him and Scott Henry and go, let's go to fucking Vegas. | ||
| And Mike Burton goes, nah, I don't want to go. | ||
| I'm like, come on, Burton, go. | ||
| And he's like, I don't want to go. | ||
| And Gary goes, fuck you. | ||
| This is the problem with you. | ||
| You need to go. | ||
| And he's like, I don't want to go. | ||
| I got a spot at the Hollywood Improv. | ||
| Fuck the Hollywood Improv. | ||
| So Gary goes, fuck it. | ||
| You guys work on Burton. | ||
| I'm going to go back to Santa Monica. | ||
| He was living with Kevin at the time. | ||
| I'm going to go back to Santa Monica and get my shit. | ||
| I'll meet you at Burton and Henry's house. | ||
| And we go, perfect. | ||
| So we go, and on the way to Scott Henry's house, we decide, we convince Burton. | ||
| And Burton goes, eh, fuck it, I'll go. | ||
| And I go, Burton, this is a great idea. | ||
| Why don't you hang out in the back of my truck, hide. | ||
| And we'll tell Gary that you're not going. | ||
| And then we'll get on the interstate and we'll surprise him and be like, Gary, look, he's coming. | ||
| Because Gary's not with us, he's packing his shit. | ||
| Burton goes, that's great. | ||
| So we pack all our shit, we go down to Burton and Henry's house. | ||
| Burton gets on the way back of the truck. | ||
| Like back where the beers are. | ||
| I had an expedition at the time. | ||
| And he hides back there. | ||
| And we wait for like 15 minutes and all of a sudden Gary Valentine shows up. | ||
| He shows up, he's got his bags, he's holding them in his hands, he opens the backseat door, like the middle, opens, hops in and he goes, where's Burton? | ||
| And we're like, he didn't come. | ||
| And he shuts the door and he goes, let me tell you what's wrong with that motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh... | |
| And we're like, uh... | ||
| And then he goes, and I'll tell you why he shouldn't be a comic anymore, because he's not fucking funny. | ||
| And as we drive, we're pulling out, and I see Mike Burton sit up in the way back, and Gary talks for like 10 fucking minutes, just talks shit about... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| And all of a sudden, I go, hey Gary, would you mind passing me a beer out of the back? | ||
| And he turns around and he goes, hey Burton! | ||
| Then turns back to us, he goes... | ||
| When are you going to fucking tell me? | ||
| We were like, there was never a good time. | ||
| It was the fucking most uncomfortable. | ||
| That's so shitty. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh, never. | ||
| And they talked. | ||
| Me and Scott Henry sat in the front. | ||
| Gary Valentine and Mike Burton sat in the back and talked. | ||
| Like, hashed it out. | ||
| How do you hash that out? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| I think Burton, I don't know if Burton, I think he's teaching Krav Maga now. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| He's got his own training centers now. | ||
| He's a really smart dude. | ||
| Comedy's not fair, buddy, folks. | ||
| Krav Maga is Jewish, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's a really sort of system of assault defense based on a lot of different martial arts. | ||
| Slapping, right? | ||
| It's like Jewish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's Jewish slapping. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Let me just whittle it down to what I heard it was, okay? | ||
| It's Jewish bitch slapping. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I heard. | ||
| Who did you hear this from? | ||
| Some dude. | ||
| It's a German. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Krav Maga is like... | ||
| Oh, fuck! | ||
| From a guy that listens to this podcast that's in my daughter's dance class. | ||
| He told you he was slapping? | ||
| No! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| I wish I hadn't said this. | ||
| Backpedaling bird! | ||
| Yeah, don't. | ||
| Settle down, Bert. | ||
| The problem, guys, is a legit form of self-defense. | ||
| It's mostly street stuff. | ||
| They show you correct applications of techniques in self-defense situations as opposed to just doing jiu-jitsu or just doing kickboxing or something along those lines. | ||
| It's more applicable to getting attacked. | ||
| Yeah, but it's all the basic techniques of all the effective martial arts. | ||
| They go over chokeholds, they go over arm locks, they go over all sorts of different... | ||
| It's not just self-defense. | ||
| They incorporate a lot of different things. | ||
| It's like a system of taking what's the most useful martial arts in a real-life situation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's what it is. | ||
| Which is, you know, there's room for that. | ||
| I'm personally of the school that, you know, like people say, like, I've had these arguments with the so-called, like, street defense people, and they're like, what we learn is how to defend yourself on the street. | ||
| You know, there's no rules on the street. | ||
|
unidentified
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And in the mixed martial arts dojo, you know, there's rules, and that's all well and good. | |
| We appreciate the discipline, but there's no rules on the street. | ||
| So that's why our sport is different. | ||
| So they try to bite you and grab your balls or something like that. | ||
| But my take has always been that the most effective techniques aren't the techniques that work on people who don't know what they're doing. | ||
| And all the techniques, almost all of them, that you see in so-called self-defense courses, they only work if people don't know what they're doing. | ||
| Like all the grabbing hands and pulling. | ||
| You ain't grabbing my hand, bitch. | ||
| You know, I'm going to be a wild cat. | ||
| We got some crazy shit going on right here. | ||
| You're not grabbing me and just holding on to me. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| And so when I see any of that self-defense nonsense, I go, this is the reason why this doesn't work. | ||
| And the reason why it doesn't work is because it doesn't work on a killer. | ||
| You need everything you need to do if you want to learn true martial arts. | ||
| You should learn what works on killers. | ||
| Learn what works on the best fighters on the planet. | ||
| Learn what works on Muay Thai fighters. | ||
| Learn what works on... | ||
| Learn what works on a guy who knows how to fuck people up, and he's been training in it for years. | ||
| Learn how to deal with that guy. | ||
| Don't learn how to deal with some dude pulling out your keys and going for his eyes, because most likely he'll knock you the fuck out before you get close enough to do that. | ||
| Learn how to do what works on killers. | ||
| That's my opinion. | ||
| So I'm not a big believer in self-defense courses. | ||
| I'm a big believer in martial arts. | ||
| I think if you want to learn jiu-jitsu, you should learn the type of jiu-jitsu where you know if you get a hold of someone, it doesn't matter. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You own them now. | ||
| That's your world. | ||
| And you strangle them. | ||
| And you get to that point. | ||
| And that's a beautiful tool to have in your toolbox. | ||
| It's a beautiful thing to be in possession of. | ||
| Marshall Childs was saying that. | ||
| You don't ever get that if you're in a self-defense course. | ||
| Because first of all, you're not going to have the amount of proficiency in doing these techniques like knee breaks and attacks to the groin. | ||
| Because you're not really doing them full blast in training against people who are resisting. | ||
| So a lot of what you're doing, you're drilling repetition and you might get better at completing those movements. | ||
| But the odds of you doing it on a guy who knows how to fight is pretty fucking small. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and some Anderson Silva type dude will knock your fucking dome off your neck. | ||
| And it's that simple. | ||
| You know, you're never going to get to eye gouge him. | ||
| He's going to light you up, bitch. | ||
| It's like, you got to look at it that way, in my opinion. | ||
| So there's nothing wrong with Krav Maga. | ||
| It's a good way to work out. | ||
| It's a good way to train. | ||
| You know, and it's a very effective system of martial arts. | ||
| You worked with Marshall at the Laughing School? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did he talk to you about Jiu Jitsu? | ||
| No. | ||
| He does Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like aggressively. | ||
| I think we talked a little bit about it. | ||
| But he's definitely... | ||
| He said that exact same thing, that it just was like a nice... | ||
| abilities to have in place and that he became more relaxed around people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he was smaller. | ||
| Not smaller, but smaller. | ||
| And he just never felt like he could ever get hurt because he knew how to get out of it. | ||
| Well, you know, you can still get hurt. | ||
| You got to always be careful, people. | ||
| First of all, there's knives and guns and gangs and sticks. | ||
| And, you know, you can always get hurt. | ||
| The idea that you're invulnerable now and you can just walk through any bad neighborhood is crazy. | ||
| But you certainly have less apprehensions because you know that you've reached a physical proficiency when it comes to defending yourself that very few people have ever reached. | ||
| So if some shit goes down, most likely you're going to be fine. | ||
| Most likely this guy's in for some horrible, rude awakening, which most people don't know how to fight are into. | ||
| If they get in there with a guy who knows how to fight, they're in for a terrifying awakening of what's the difference between someone who spends zero time training how to fight and someone who's dedicated a lifetime of doing it. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| That guy's going to own you, and it's a terrifying feeling. | ||
| To get owned by someone, especially if you get owned in the street, man. | ||
| Especially if you get owned in the street and you're the one who started it. | ||
| It's like that video of that dude. | ||
| Can you ever see the two kids where it's like a Mexican kid with his socks pulled up to his knees and there's some white kid in jeans? | ||
| And they're like, come on. | ||
| And then the white kid clearly knows some sort of Asian defense. | ||
| He starts doing steps and kicking, practice kicking. | ||
| And the guy was like, no, no, street fight, street fight only. | ||
| And he was like, no, this is what I'm doing. | ||
| He's like, no, no, man, I ain't doing that kind of shit. | ||
| No funky fights, just regular fights. | ||
| Ha ha ha. | ||
| It's one of my favorite fights. | ||
| I favorited it on my YouTube page. | ||
| I favorited it. | ||
| I'm fucking one of the first people to discover Kimbo Slice. | ||
| You know, the beautiful thing about being around people who know how to fight is they very rarely get in fights. | ||
| Most people who know how to fight are fucking pretty calm. | ||
| They get all that shit out in the gym. | ||
| You can get all that shit out in a controlled environment. | ||
| We have a desire for conflict. | ||
| We have a desire to fucking overcome things. | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| There's a desire that all that shit can be erased in the gym. | ||
| And when you erase it in the gym, you deal with yourself on an even playing field instead of being overwhelmed by road rage or overwhelmed by disappointment in your own personal life and existence and whatever frustrations that have been building inside of you, percolating, fucking up your physical existence because the moment you're in any interaction, you're acting unbalanced. | ||
| Walking down the street on the curb just staring at cars. | ||
| What the fuck's wrong with you? | ||
| That's the guy from YET last night. | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| I saw him walking in this curb just staring at cars. | ||
| He said, what? | ||
| And I was like, this chick was just walking on the sidewalk. | ||
| And I was like, man. | ||
| Maybe they were all methed out. | ||
| How many chicks get in street fights with their dudes? | ||
| Get together and fucking throw down together. | ||
| Go home and fuck. | ||
| Does that happen? | ||
| Pasadena. | ||
| Seems like a movie, right? | ||
| Street fuck fighter? | ||
| Yeah, something along those lines, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't imagine. | ||
| I've never been able to, with a girl that fought. | ||
| Conversation went south hard. | ||
| You've never been around a girl? | ||
| Brian, what's up with that? | ||
| You've never been around a girl that likes to fight? | ||
| No, my wife. | ||
| Scariest shit ever, man. | ||
| Girls that want to drag you into fights, that's one of the scariest things you could ever encounter. | ||
| I would imagine you would have tracked that when you were younger, though. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them. | ||
| Yeah, they want to sick you on people like a dog. | ||
| Man, I heard some good behind-the-scenes stories about you that I've Fucking dying to talk about. | ||
| Behind the scenes? | ||
| Yeah, just like... | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Why did I say that? | ||
| Your ego, dude, is out of control. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no. | |
| If it has to do with violence, it's almost 100%. | ||
| No, no, it's not. | ||
| Nothing about violence. | ||
| It's about you being a friend to dudes. | ||
| Like, uh... | ||
| Yeah, let's not. | ||
| If it's bad people, don't talk about bad people. | ||
| No, goddamn it. | ||
| I don't know why I fucking said that. | ||
| Fucking something's wrong with my brain. | ||
| Something's wrong with Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Let's turn these cameras off, Brian. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| What's wrong with Bert Kreischer? | ||
| What happened with the weed thing? | ||
| You can't smoke weed in front of cameras anymore? | ||
| Yeah, you can. | ||
| You just gotta kind of be sneaky about it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Stupid. | ||
| Ustream has some sort of policy. | ||
| Yeah, we have a vaporizer. | ||
| Do you feel like you're taking a hit, Joe? | ||
| What, do you? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| Well, let's just wrap this bitch up, because you guys came a little late, and I still have to look at that property. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| We'll go with you. | ||
| Pretend we're your investors. | ||
| I'm looking at that. | ||
| And Vine and I will just inspect really bullshit stuff. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Like, hmm, I don't know about the fault lines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Things that make you go, hmm. | ||
| Mr. Redman? | ||
| Things that make you go, hmm. | ||
| So, next week in the podcast, we've got Shane Smith, Bass Nectar, and the great Bobcat Goldberg. | ||
| Yes, I can't wait. | ||
| It should be very fun. | ||
| Yeah, we'll have a great... | ||
| Talk about Barry Katz. | ||
| Bob has known Barry since he was fucking a child. | ||
| He's known Barry since he was a child. | ||
| Bobcat lived in Barry's closet, is the story. | ||
| Barry had a closet that he rented out. | ||
| I'm sure I'm raping this. | ||
| Barry rented out a closet in Boston University or Boston College, and Bobcat rented it when he was like 16. Wow. | ||
| Yeah, Bobcat's known Barry forever. | ||
| Bobcat's another Boston comic. | ||
| People don't realize, you know, he made it on the big screen, you know, and made it, you know, sort of almost as like a Hollywood guy. | ||
| But his origins are in Boston, too. | ||
| And funny as fuck. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Bobcat's always been fucking hilarious. | ||
| Did you ever hear the CD, Meet Bob? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's M-E-A-T, Bob, and it's like hamburger. | ||
| It's made out of hamburger or something like that. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Bobcat Goldthwait. | ||
| I grew up with Bobcat being a character. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder if he feels weird about that. | ||
| I wonder if that's weird. | ||
| Because J.J. Walker, when he got older, would hate when people would yell out dynamite. | ||
| He would hate it. | ||
| They would hate it. | ||
| Because he wasn't doing that anymore. | ||
| Now he's just a stand-up trying to make a living. | ||
| And apparently he didn't like that. | ||
| When people... | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| I never did it. | ||
| Maybe the guy loved it. | ||
| Maybe one asshole did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Say dynamite! | |
| Say dynamite! | ||
| And he's like, I don't like to do it. | ||
| Yeah, but that would be weird, though, because, I mean, that's what kind of got everyone to know who he is. | ||
| Yeah, but after, like, ten years, don't you think a man can stop saying dynamite? | ||
| I mean, but doing it even worse than that, imagine being Bobcat where you do the, like the... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bet I worked with him... | ||
| He stopped doing that, right? | ||
| Yeah, well, he was doing... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it's like a go-to thing with a joke, like subtly. | ||
| Is he still doing stand-up? | ||
| Yeah, he's still doing stand-up. | ||
| Of course, yeah. | ||
| Didn't he stop for a while? | ||
| He stopped directing Kimmel. | ||
| I mean, he directs Kimmel, I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was directing The Man Show. | ||
| He directed... | ||
| Directed movies. | ||
| The Chappelle Show as well. | ||
| And he did The World's Worst Dad, which is a great fucking movie. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| No, but I want to see it. | ||
| Oh, fucking let me tell you the logline. | ||
| What is his new movie that he's got coming out? | ||
| American Dream or something. | ||
| I can't find out. | ||
| World's worst dad, Robin Williams, plays a dad whose son dies from auto-asphyxiation erotica. | ||
| And he writes him a suicide note and says he killed himself so he doesn't want to deal with it. | ||
| And because of the suicide note, the kid's writings become popular. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And the dad is doing all the writings and the dad always wanted to be a writer. | ||
| It's a great fucking movie. | ||
| It is a great fucking movie. | ||
| His new movie is called God Bless America and it's very violent and it just looks awesome. | ||
| I can't wait to meet Bobcat. | ||
| That'll be fun. | ||
| That'll be a fun interview. | ||
| Don't drool on him, dude. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I just want to talk about some things with Bobcat. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Past, present, future, ex-wife. | ||
| You know, all those fun things. | ||
| Don't do that, Brian. | ||
| Promise me. | ||
| No, no, I'm just kidding. | ||
| Promise me you're not going to be a problem. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| Too late. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too fast. | |
| Holla! | ||
| Thanks to everybody who tuned in this week and thanks to everyone who came out to the Ice House Comedy Club last night. | ||
| It was a fucking tremendous show. | ||
| Seriously, thank you. | ||
| It was really amazing. | ||
| We had a great, great time. | ||
| It was so cool to be able to do that on a Wednesday night. | ||
| Are you doing Friday? | ||
| You know what, Joe? | ||
| Joe, I don't know if we've talked about this or not. | ||
| I'm thinking about it. | ||
| We should just take over Wednesday from now on. | ||
| Instead of doing Friday, Wednesday is when all the comics are in town. | ||
| Wednesday is good, but we can do Fridays too sometimes. | ||
| I like doing Fridays when I'm around. | ||
| Or we can keep our Fridays open so we can go out to the Olive Garden. | ||
| Whatever, bitch. | ||
| But either way, we'll be doing more shows at the Ice House. | ||
| It's a great place. | ||
| And I've got to develop some new material now before my special gets out. | ||
| Hey, are you releasing your special? | ||
| Yeah, online. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They're building a website for it now. | ||
| It's going to take a couple months. | ||
| So it probably won't be until August or September that I'll release it. | ||
| Joe, let's go on a mushroom trip so we can get new material. | ||
| I don't know if you can handle mushrooms anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I can. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright, we'll do it. | ||
| This has to be a comfortable situation. | ||
| Like a comfortable situation. | ||
| It could be at the UFC. As long as it doesn't mean 100 degrees in a hotel room and you and me naked. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Sounds like a great story, guys. | ||
| Let's go look at that property, Joe. | ||
| Yes, we're going to go do that. | ||
| We're going to go look at Death Squad West, also known as Higher Primate Studios. | ||
| Thank you to everybody who tuned in for the podcast. | ||
| Thank you to The Flesh Life for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| And if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link. | ||
| Click it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Click it. | |
| Enter in the code name ROGAN. Get yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| The shirt that Brian is displaying in his image is the Machine shirt. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| I am the Machine, the Burt Chrysler shirt. | ||
| And you can get that at BurtBurtBurt.com. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| Support your boy. | ||
| Baby needs new shoes. | ||
| Come on, Seven. | ||
| And you can also... | ||
| Bert, you're doing a podcast soon now? | ||
| I started taping it on the road with my bodyguards. | ||
| With your bodyguards? | ||
| I've been getting bodyguards everywhere I went, so I've been doing podcasts with them. | ||
| Because you go for your TV show? | ||
| Yeah, I go to crazy places so we get bodyguards. | ||
| But I don't know when it's coming out. | ||
| It's coming out when I get a little time under my belt. | ||
| Also, I'm fucking 75 pages due by August 1st on my book, so... | ||
| I'm a little overwhelmed. | ||
| So I appreciate everyone that emails me and says, start your podcast. | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| I'm working on everything. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And being a parent. | ||
| You're a fucking savage. | ||
| God bless you. | ||
| God bless you, Joe. | ||
| That's it, you fucking dirty freaks. | ||
| We'll see you next week. | ||
| Thank you for everything. | ||
| We appreciate it all. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| And next week... | ||
| We're gonna launch the kettlebells and let you know what the fuck is up. | ||
| We're ironing out all the details right now. | ||
| And that's it. |
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