May 22, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:18:36
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Is that it? | ||
| I never know how to start these things, Dom Irera. | ||
| Hey, Joe Rogan. | ||
| What's up, my brother? | ||
| I was thinking comedy team for us. | ||
| Let me just throw it out there. | ||
| Like a Starsky Hutch kind of a thing? | ||
| Rogan and Irera. | ||
| He's wacky, I'm wackier. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Can we have a wife that always wins? | ||
| I can't hear my... | ||
| There's something wrong with this headphone, Brian. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Check it, check it, check it. | ||
| Okay, there it goes. | ||
| I found the volume. | ||
| There's something fucked with it. | ||
| Yeah, could we have, like, talking frog? | ||
| Wives that always win? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be great, right? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| They're always outsmart. | ||
| A talking dog. | ||
| A talking dog? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's bold. | ||
| Nuts. | ||
| Like, how about an alien? | ||
| Remember when they had, what was that, Alf? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that on the show? | |
| They had a talking fucking alien. | ||
| My favorite Martian, but he was like a normal guy from Mars. | ||
| Didn't Alf eat cats or something crazy like that? | ||
| Yeah, he wanted to eat cats all the time. | ||
| Do you know the real Al? | ||
|
unidentified
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He's a total jerk. | |
| That's actually really funny when you think about it. | ||
| Do you know the real guy, the father in that show, he always wanted to blow derelicts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Did you ever hear that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I hope I'm right about this information, because I'd hate to ruin somebody's reputation, but he used to like to blow street people. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That could be high risk. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Is this a way to start the show? | ||
| That's a beautiful way to start the show. | ||
| We haven't even done the commercial yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck Fleshlight. | |
| I love it. | ||
| I've got to figure out how to do these Fleshlight commercials in a different way. | ||
| After you've done it 200 times, there's no way. | ||
| Fleshlight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is a commercial right now. | ||
| They're terrific. | ||
| It's a terrific product. | ||
| Have you used one, Dom Arara? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Every day. | ||
| They're pretty good. | ||
| Better than masturbating. | ||
| I choked on my words. | ||
| That's how excited I got about it. | ||
| Better than masturbating. | ||
| I'm like, choking and shit. | ||
| Your throat started coming. | ||
| I choked. | ||
| I gagged. | ||
| Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, and save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men, Shazam. | ||
| We are also brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain and Shroom Tech Sport, which is completely unnecessary for Brian, because Brian is like, he's just not into pushing it. | ||
| You're the opposite of Shroom Tech Sport. | ||
| You need Shroom Tech Ludes. | ||
| I need Shroom Tech Sleep. | ||
| You have sleeping pills yet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| Just take some melatonin. | ||
| You don't have a high libido? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| I don't even know what that means. | ||
| Does your dick get hard often? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| My dick, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't have a high libido, though. | ||
| He's a little bit of a pervert, I believe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I found out last night on a podcast that, you know how you have that joke about the cum in the front of your shirt? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I also have that happen all the time. | ||
| And I was saying how my laundry is one out of four shirts. | ||
| If I look at it, it has the cum crystals all over it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I sit in front of Dana DeArmond, Doug Benson, and Lexi Bell, and all of them thought I was psycho. | ||
| They're like, that's disgusting. | ||
| I've never heard of a guy having that before. | ||
| Porno people are telling you it's disgusting? | ||
| All porno, hardcore fisting, everything. | ||
| Oh, it's so silly. | ||
| I find that repetitive. | ||
| Impulsive. | ||
| So you guys agree with me, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Of course. | |
| You'll have shirts that you look down and you're like, shit, is that sloppy? | ||
| Hey, I had a time. | ||
| I was going to play basketball. | ||
| It was like a Saturday morning and I forgot that I had put toilet paper all over my stomach and all from jerking off. | ||
| So, wait, it was so embarrassing. | ||
| I get up and I get down. | ||
| I just maybe had something to eat real late and I'm walking out with a friend of mine and he came to pick me up. | ||
| I'm walking down to the gym and I take off my shirt because it's so fucking hot and there's all those toilet paper stuff on. | ||
| Almost to my neck, right? | ||
| And he goes, oh, what the fuck's that? | ||
|
unidentified
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I go, oh, jeez, never mind. | |
| Oh, jeez, never mind. | ||
| I went to my friend. | ||
| He came in the house. | ||
| He was going to go out and have a beer with him. | ||
| We're all living together. | ||
| And I hear him go, oh. | ||
| Oh, and I hear him different parts of the house. | ||
| I think he's walking around the house with his pants down, jerking off. | ||
| So the next day, I'm at the basketball court, and he comes up, and he goes, didn't you hear me last night? | ||
| I go, yeah, I fucking heard you. | ||
| He goes, I broke my nose. | ||
| He bent down and broke his nose. | ||
| I said, wow, thank God, I thought you were jerking off. | ||
| What a relief. | ||
| What a similar sound. | ||
| It's very similar. | ||
| That broke nose feeling. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Anyway, Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, which was the stuff that I was talking about. | ||
| Took four of them last night down Herrera. | ||
| Beat the shit out of that heavy bag, son. | ||
| Get that bag. | ||
| Bag hates you, Joe. | ||
| Bags are a beautiful thing. | ||
| If you don't have a heavy bag, if you can have a heavy bag, you're silly. | ||
| Get one of those things. | ||
| It's like the best stress reliever of all time. | ||
| Now imagine what would have happened if what you just went through when you were younger and much more volatile. | ||
| What I just went through before the show? | ||
| If you didn't have a family and peace with yourself and the whole thing. | ||
| There's a lot of nonsense in this world, Dom Irera. | ||
| What the fuck could be worth it with that guy? | ||
| How did he know who he was fucking with? | ||
| People were just talking about giving dudes the finger and whatever in the car, like road rage all the time. | ||
| It's just so common and it's so silly. | ||
| If someone gets in front of you, are you really that upset? | ||
| Are you really going to give me the finger? | ||
| The finger, that hurts too. | ||
| It's just so silly. | ||
| What kind of a man does that? | ||
| Brian, tell me. | ||
| Tell me you're almost a man. | ||
| Why is that shit? | ||
| Why is that shit? | ||
| You're man-like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell him. | |
| An angry guy that takes too much supplements before going to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Could be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could be. | |
| He's getting ready for combat. | ||
| Yeah, he's in war right now. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| He's in that frame of mind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| I don't like the idea of seeing myself, by the way. | ||
| I forget what I look like. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I forget that I... Just close your eyes. | ||
| I'm like starting to look Mongolian. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about this the last time you were on the podcast. | ||
| It's true, bro. | ||
| It's a hint of Inuit. | ||
| That's how I think we described it. | ||
| I don't like saying it. | ||
| I don't believe it. | ||
| Cue the music, Brian. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Enter in the codename Rogan, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Shroom, tech sport. | ||
| It's the stuff that we were talking about. | ||
| Alpha Brain is another cognitive enhancing supplement that I didn't take before the show, so hopefully I won't suffer. | ||
| I'm going to take one. | ||
| I'm going to have to pull one out in the middle of a good story. | ||
| Joe, did you get the list of questions I want you to ask me so I can hit you back with my zingers? | ||
| So, Dom, I understand you just got back from the zoo. | ||
| Funny you should say that. | ||
| Joe, you wouldn't believe all the funny things that happened to me at the zoo today. | ||
| Go to onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, enter in the code name ROGAN, save yourself 10%. | ||
| We will have the kettlebells available this week, and all information about that soon to follow. | ||
| All right, I'll hit the music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's got a new fade every time, the kid. | ||
| Just when you think, he can't just, he can't add a different flair. | ||
| There's no more flares to add. | ||
| Is this Retardo Montabomb over here? | ||
| I got so much good feedback calling you a retard. | ||
| It's the cool thing to do. | ||
| Well, Brian is slightly playing a character on the show, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| It's subtle. | ||
| It goes in and out. | ||
| Even I don't know when it's there. | ||
| I don't recognize it. | ||
| But he balances me out. | ||
| Yeah, now you guys are the yin and yang of life. | ||
| That's what we've been trying to form a new band, and that's what it was going to be called. | ||
| We guys are the yin and yang of life. | ||
| The yin and yang twins. | ||
| That's kind of a long hook. | ||
| Yeah, we would have to go to war with the yin and yang twins. | ||
| They would kick our ass for jacking their name. | ||
| No, we could copyright that shit, because they don't have a podcast. | ||
| We do a podcast first called the yin and yang twins, and then we own the yin and yang twins podcast. | ||
| That seems unscrupulous. | ||
| I had no idea this show was this fucking big. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing. | ||
| I'm in Chicago. | ||
| People are coming up to me. | ||
| One guy came to the show. | ||
| He goes, man, you know, I didn't really hear you before, but when you did the podcast, you and Rogan were so fucking funny. | ||
| I had to come and go, holy shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I did the show, not like I felt like I was doing you a favor, but you got a show, of course I want to do it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But you didn't think that that many people were going to actually listen to it. | ||
| I had no fucking clue. | ||
| I'm so retarded. | ||
| I don't know what the real numbers are right now. | ||
| It's pretty high, though. | ||
| And what it is, though, is the difference is they're with you for hours at a time. | ||
| And they're comedy people. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a big difference. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because, like, late night shows, nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's hard too. | ||
| Don't you feel when you do a late night show that you don't even get a chance to really get cooking? | ||
| You're doing like five minutes or something like that or seven minutes. | ||
| Man, I can't do it. | ||
| My mind doesn't function like that for a set. | ||
| It's really hard to pull off and get a true... | ||
| Feeling what the experience of seeing someone live is. | ||
| Plus you like, like I like, just to do some stuff that's just improvisation and fuck around. | ||
|
unidentified
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Always. | |
| And the most fun I ever had was on Craig Ferguson when he introduced me and gave me the wrong credit. | ||
| He said, you can see Don with the Denver Comedy Works this week. | ||
| I said, thanks a lot. | ||
| What a crack stab you have. | ||
| I was there last week, but I'm so hot in the business, I have to post-plug things or the place will be stormed, right? | ||
| And then he said, well, let's just start it over. | ||
| He came out on stage like, oh, I'm starting over. | ||
| I got a spot at the Laugh Factory later. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I don't have this kind of time. | ||
| But that was fun because it was real. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You can't do that every time. | ||
| To have enough time to fuck around is odd. | ||
| Most of the times it's so rigid. | ||
| You start with your first bit. | ||
| So fucking corny at the desk. | ||
| Like we were just saying about the zoo. | ||
| Ask me this, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's cool when someone has a good story, you know, and you get some Nick Nolte character that's got some crazy story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But for the most part, you're accepting a contrived conversation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Is that right? | |
| I mean, I saw an actress on one of the shows. | ||
| I couldn't watch it, but that's some of the most boring fucking TV there is. | ||
| And Letterman said, really, they just want to see you. | ||
| In other words, you're so fucking vapid. | ||
| Just sit here. | ||
| Don't even worry about talking. | ||
|
unidentified
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You know what I mean? | |
| I'll do the talking. | ||
| Just sit there because you have nothing to offer. | ||
| Has Kim Kardashian ever been on Letterman? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| What talk shows has she been on? | ||
| She has to be on everything, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've never seen her interviewed. | ||
| It's one of the things that I was marveling at one day. | ||
| I was like, I don't think I know her voice. | ||
|
unidentified
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She's been on the Lamar Odom Big Cock show. | |
| If the character playing her voice was substituted with a new character, I don't know if I would be able to pick it out. | ||
| It's amazing that she became super famous in my world. | ||
| I know who she is on a regular basis, but without me ever hearing her talk. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I might have heard one or two of the commercials or something like that. | ||
| Maybe I watched one episode of the show. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| If somebody tried to replace your voice, I would go, that's not Dom Herrera. | ||
| I know what he sounds like. | ||
| If someone tried to do Jeff Goldblum, I know what Jeff Goldblum sounds like. | ||
| But I hear your rhythm. | ||
| I know what Letterman's voice sounds like. | ||
| But I don't know what her voice sounds like. | ||
| Here she is, on Letterman. | ||
| Like, you could dub this with a completely different person's voice. | ||
| But she's as famous as, like, what's the chick's name from Friends? | ||
| Jennifer Aniston. | ||
| Jennifer Aniston, whose voice is, like, extremely well-known. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, Jennifer Aniston is very specific. | ||
| And an accomplished actress. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| What did she ever do? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Like, it's amazing how famous she's got with very little words. | ||
|
unidentified
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She's 25. 25? | |
| Well, just a kid and she's getting married. | ||
| Was that exciting? | ||
| Yeah, it was very exciting. | ||
| That could be a totally fake voice. | ||
| And I wouldn't know. | ||
| It could sound nothing like what she sounds like. | ||
| Maria Bramford could be dubbing her voice. | ||
| It's amazing how far a human being can go in the world of fame without ever saying anything. | ||
| Well, don't you think, like, you know a lot of kids. | ||
| What did you do to her, Brian? | ||
| You turned her into an alien. | ||
| I should have done this. | ||
| Wow, she's the actress. | ||
|
unidentified
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My brother Brody was here the other day. | |
| Well, maybe that's red rum, red rum. | ||
| That's the nightmare. | ||
|
unidentified
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He is a nice kid. | |
| She's demonically possessed. | ||
| This is actually an encoder. | ||
| He's got a secret decoder ring, and it's deciphering what her real voice actually is before Lucifer's powers. | ||
| Oh, that's scary. | ||
| Well, that's the freakiest shit. | ||
| Why is that demonic when it's just shitty? | ||
|
unidentified
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I went to Africa this morning. | |
| This fucking bitch is going to kill me! | ||
|
unidentified
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Diamond Empowerment Fund sent me and my sister and my boyfriend and we just went to Botswana and it was really cool to see how all the diamonds really helped the country out there. | |
| Wait a minute, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Back it up! | |
| Holy shit! | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| What the fuck did she just say? | ||
| Oh my god, that was hilarious. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
|
unidentified
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Life is not real, I'm telling you. | |
| It's a fucking Coen Brothers movie. | ||
|
unidentified
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My boyfriend and we just went to Botswana and it was really cool to see how all the diamonds really helped the country out there. | |
| The nods, like thinking that people are going to applaud. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right, right. | |
| You know, conception of what was going on there. | ||
| And so every year I like to go on a vacation out of the country. | ||
| Well, I think that's good to get out and see what's going on. | ||
| But see, I had, and believe me, I'm ignorant in most matters, a different impression that the diamond industry... | ||
| Maybe on a global stage was generating huge sums of money, but locally in these countries where they were mined, that the people were being exploited. | ||
| That's what I assumed before I went there and so that's kind of why I wanted to go and it's completely the opposite. | ||
| These diamonds fund the schools and the hospitals. | ||
| They fund pretty much the entire country. | ||
| But I was a little bit disappointed. | ||
| In Africa because I wanted to go see some wildlife animals. | ||
| And it's like this 24-hour flight. | ||
| I was so excited to see like giraffes and these crazy animals like lions. | ||
| I saw a few cubs, but when I get home off of the 24-hour flight in Calabasas, California, my sister and I are driving into my mom's house and the neighbor is having a little party with giraffes. | ||
| And we flew 24 hours all the way to Africa to see giraffes, wild giraffes, did not see a thing. | ||
| We go to Calabasas and they're having a birthday party where they hire giraffes. | ||
| Where can you get giraffes? | ||
| How do you get them? | ||
| Well, I rented a monkey for my mom for a week because she was missing the baby. | ||
| So the monkey for your mom was a rental? | ||
| Okay, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Her material is funny, Joe. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| She's got some good animal stuff. | ||
| I mean, wow. | ||
| Does she have a point? | ||
| I'm really stoned from watching that. | ||
| Does she have any point at all? | ||
| I mean, maybe she does have a point. | ||
| Her point was that diamonds are good for the whole general population. | ||
| They pay for the schools and pay for the hospitals. | ||
| That's what she's saying. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe they do. | ||
| And, you know, you can do that and still exploit children. | ||
| If you had to fucking Kardashian or Aniston, which one? | ||
|
unidentified
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I bet Jennifer Aniston knows how to throw it down. | |
| I would imagine she knows how to throw it down. | ||
| If you could cut off her head. | ||
| And switch the bodies? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Kardashian. | ||
| If you can cut off her head, why would you want to cut off her head? | ||
| No, I'm kidding. | ||
| I would want to cut off her head. | ||
| She's really pretty. | ||
| She's very pretty. | ||
| She's so vapid that... | ||
| I mean, I think she really cares if she's watching this whether or not I'd want to fuck her or Jennifer Aniston. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| I think... | ||
| Jennifer Aniston would be more fun. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| She takes it. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I don't know, though. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Kim Kardashian does have a porno with a black dude. | ||
| That's a chick that's willing to go deep. | ||
| Sure, that's why I think Jennifer Aniston would be great. | ||
|
unidentified
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You can't fail to disappoint her. | |
| Exactly, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| What kind of conversation is this? | ||
| Who would you fuck? | ||
| Jennifer Aniston or... | ||
| Well, how did it even get under her? | ||
| Oh, it was like Jennifer Anderson's voice. | ||
| That's what we were talking about. | ||
| It's fucking hard out there for a chick. | ||
| A chick's trying to be famous, you know? | ||
| If she was doing the same thing, if Kim Kardashian was a guy, though, and she was doing what she's doing, she would be like, especially for the marriage part, like she married for like 72 hours or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| To that basketball player, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long was she married for? | ||
| I think it was a month or something like that. | ||
| But whatever it was, you know, it's like... | ||
| It's a shame they had it all... | ||
| The thing that you do that, and you do it as like a piece of... | ||
| It's a plot. | ||
| It's like this is her life all of a sudden becomes theater, and they start introducing false things, like false marriages, like hire some other high-profile guy to come in and marry her on this show, and then they break up, and... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that what they're doing? | ||
| Because if it is what they're doing, it's pretty brilliant. | ||
| If you think about what she's done, I mean, just tactically, the way she's sort of entered into the entertainment industry. | ||
| Like a lot of people get mad. | ||
| They say she's vapid, she's this and that. | ||
| But what she is, is she's been super successful in getting people to pay attention to her. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing what you can pull off. | ||
| When you're single-minded and you pursue that and you do it the way she's done it and obviously you look like her. | ||
| You know what it reminded me of going back when this kind of point hit you is when the OJ trial and Cato Kaelin went out and did comedy for a while. | ||
| And for that one brief moment in time, he was more famous than almost any of the comedians. | ||
| Right at the top of the OJ trial, Cato Kaelin was selling out the MGM. And he was trying to do comedy? | ||
| Yeah, he did stand-up. | ||
| Did he do it before? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, that's horrible. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, Charlie Sheen can prove that. | ||
| Yeah, Charlie Sheen. | ||
| Well, you know who did that? | ||
| Who's got fucking balls? | ||
| I've talked about it before. | ||
| But Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| Didn't have a lot going on, like, as far as his career, and then got on the Chappelle Show, and he was in his 40s. | ||
| And then started doing stand-up, and he was famous. | ||
| And not only was he famous, he was famous of, like, the brother of one of the greatest stand-ups ever. | ||
| So he's got Charlie Murphy, his brother's Eddie Murphy, they look alike, and, you know, I mean, he's going out there, literally, he's done comedy for, like, a couple of months. | ||
| And he had a close. | ||
| And he's fucking headlining! | ||
| Yeah, he had an unbelievable. | ||
| He's got balls. | ||
| That guy has fucking balls. | ||
| We did a month Maxim tour on the road together, and Charlie Murphy, man, he's got fucking balls. | ||
| That guy, we would alternate headlining, and he'd only been doing comedy. | ||
| Wait, he couldn't follow you. | ||
| He did. | ||
| He did a couple times. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| He did well. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Yeah, I mean, people, first of all, he's a good storyteller and people love him. | ||
| And if he's in his right groove, he's just got to be comfortable. | ||
| You know, when Charlie's comfortable, when he's comfortable, he's got like a couple different gears. | ||
| When he's comfortable and he's telling a story, there are very few people in the world as entertaining as that guy. | ||
| He has this realistic, sort of like aggressive, kind of like real brutal honesty, but with a cool voice. | ||
| He can tell a fuck out of a story. | ||
| Well, for brothers of famous people, I'll take Tony Rock. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Tony Rock's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's good, yeah. | |
| He's very funny. | ||
| That guy gets slept on. | ||
| You know, I had seen him a couple of years ago, like, way back at the Laugh Factory, and he was really funny then. | ||
| He was, like, promising, you know? | ||
| No, he's really good. | ||
| And then I saw him at the Improv, like, recently, and I came up to him after his set. | ||
| I was like, dude, you got way better. | ||
| Like, that was, like, really fun to watch. | ||
| It's fun to watch a guy that you haven't seen for years, and then you see him and you're like, Damn, you've been working. | ||
| And he's like, thanks, man. | ||
| I'm in the gym. | ||
| I'm in the gym, you know? | ||
| He's got the right attitude about it. | ||
| He's fucking good. | ||
| And it is in the gym. | ||
| It is in the gym. | ||
| For us, it's the gym. | ||
| You've got to get on stage. | ||
| I mean, look at Bill Burr. | ||
| I mean, I've seen him take strides, and he's so fucking good. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| Bill Burr was always really funny, but now he's super prolific, too. | ||
| Now he's just nailing it. | ||
| He's constantly putting out new stuff. | ||
| You go to see him, it's fun. | ||
| I agree with him. | ||
| I don't agree with him. | ||
| I'm still laughing. | ||
| He says something completely ridiculous and overaggressive. | ||
| I'm still laughing. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| He's one of the last of the Boston comics. | ||
| That real... | ||
| Intelligent, but still manly, aggressive sort of comedians. | ||
| There was a lot of guys like that in Boston. | ||
| Lenny Clark and that whole group. | ||
| One of the things that Dane Cook and I were talking about once, about growing up and doing stand-up together in Boston, was that those guys were men. | ||
| They were fucking like Lenny Clark. | ||
| Oh yeah, they were tough guys. | ||
| They were comedians. | ||
| They were like nebuchadnezzar problems with their mother. | ||
| They were animals. | ||
| Lenny Clark was a fucking savage when I met him. | ||
| I met Lenny right after you guys did... | ||
| Didn't you do the HBO comedy special? | ||
| Yeah, the Rodney Dangerfield. | ||
| I got a chance to open... | ||
| He was the second guy I ever got paid to open for. | ||
| I used to forget about the first guy and pretend he was the first for a while. | ||
| First time I ever got paid, I opened up for Lenny Clark, because it sounds good, but it was really the second time. | ||
| First time was a guy named Warren McDonald. | ||
| He was actually a very funny guy, too. | ||
| I worked with him right after he just got done doing the Rodney special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| He's a fucking animal. | ||
| Such balls. | ||
| Oh, he was an animal. | ||
| We were up in Seattle to see the NCAAs. | ||
| And these guys, they were fucking drinking all day. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I mean, Don Gavin and all of them. | ||
| And we're at a party. | ||
| And this CBS guy comes up to me. | ||
| And he says, I'm a big fan of yours. | ||
| And I didn't have a ticket. | ||
| Lenny's like Jackie Gleason, bigger than life. | ||
| He goes, hey, if you're such a big fucking fan, get him a ticket to the game. | ||
| The guy goes, oh, okay. | ||
| You know, sheepishly, like, what's he gonna do? | ||
| What is that movie that, I think it's Fran Salamita did that movie on Boston Comedy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How do you spell Fran Salamita? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| R... F-R... Z... Yeah. | ||
| Oh, when stand-up... | ||
| Fran Salamita, when stand-up stood out, which is a great documentary on stand-up comedy. | ||
| And about the one town, about Boston, and what it was like, you know, back then. | ||
| And it's a really accurate depiction because there's a lot of old video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Like old video, Lenny Clark. | ||
| Those guys and Jimmy Tingle and talking about the Ding Ho, like the Chinese restaurant was like the first place. | ||
| Man, I was like right after that wave. | ||
| Those guys were like, those guys were the big established headliners right when I was becoming an open mic. | ||
| They were good to me too because they could bury people if they wanted to. | ||
| Nick's was tough. | ||
| Well, you know, for the people that don't know, Dom was one of the only guys that ever paid to see do comedy after I was a comedian. | ||
| There was only like a few guys once I became a comedian, like once I had done like open mic nights. | ||
| But I went to see you. | ||
| You remember how much it cost to see me? | ||
| I wish I did. | ||
| Did you bring a date? | ||
| I went to see you a couple times. | ||
| Did I get you laid too? | ||
| I went to see you before I ever did stand-up, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| It was either before or right before or right when I was doing it. | ||
| But I went to see you and you didn't make the flight. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| And Dennis Leary was in your place. | ||
| It was the first time I ever saw Dennis Leary. | ||
| He fucking destroyed. | ||
| Yeah, Dennis was always good. | ||
| Back then, he was on fire. | ||
| He was my favorite comedian for six months until I saw Bill Hicks. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| See, I didn't... | ||
| I didn't see as much as other people did with the parallels. | ||
| Bill was a friend of mine, but yeah. | ||
| Bill had a funny joke about it, though. | ||
| He actually went back in time and did the jokes, stole them, then went back in time and did them before and added punchlines. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I think I butchered the quote, but when they asked him who stole it from who... | ||
| Well, you know what my nightmare was about the HBO thing, about Roddy Dangerfield, was I'd rather not get a compliment than the compliment I would get. | ||
| I'd have somebody come up to me and go, man, you were my favorite on that show. | ||
| Beat you and that guy Dice. | ||
| Don't fucking compliment me if you're gonna compare us. | ||
| See, you have always had a problem with Dice, you know, and you and Dice have actually gotten into it, but... | ||
| When I was a kid, man, I was a fucking huge fan of Dice. | ||
| Well, yeah, you were a kid. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong. | ||
| I like his comedy. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| His comedy doesn't bother me. | ||
| I just don't like him. | ||
| You don't like him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never have a bad problem with him. | ||
| I've never had any issues with him. | ||
| How can you be a 50-, 60-year-old Fonz? | ||
| See, I look at him, I think he's a character. | ||
| You look at him as like he's some guy who disrespected you or something. | ||
| Something happened, right? | ||
| There's only three comedians I hate. | ||
| Let me guess one. | ||
| Billy Crystal. | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| Because I heard there was... | ||
| Billy Crystal was such an asshole to me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he's always been really nice to me. | ||
| But he was with De Niro, and I was hosting this thing for Comedy Central, and we're doing a review of that shit movie, analyze that. | ||
| Remember the first one was good, analyze this. | ||
| It was the De Niro movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the second one wasn't good? | ||
| Yeah, but all of a sudden he's buddying up with De Niro and he starts acting condescending towards me. | ||
| So I fucked with him right away. | ||
| I go, Billy, are you hosting the Academy Awards this year? | ||
| He goes, I don't know why. | ||
| I said, can you mention me to the people of the Academy? | ||
| He goes, for what? | ||
| I go, I don't know, some kind of award. | ||
| You figure it out. | ||
| Then he realized I had duped him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For what? | |
| You figure it out. | ||
| Yeah, he lost his sense of humor, right? | ||
| Yeah, he got too cool. | ||
| But I mean, you know, he was always the right beginning. | ||
| But in that situation, he lost his sense of humor. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, he was trying to act like him and De Niro were these dear friends. | ||
| And I'm thinking, this is Robert De Niro sitting next to you. | ||
| Come on, Billy. | ||
| You're Billy Crystal. | ||
| People. | ||
| People love to be friends with someone like De Niro. | ||
| You can put that shit on your resume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, I'm going over Bobby D's house for barbecue this weekend. | |
| I did a reading with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rarely do I get impressed. | |
| Can you imagine someone saying that to you and wearing like a running track suit while they're saying it? | ||
| Fuck that noise. | ||
| Those like fake Italian immigrants. | ||
| These immigrants to California from the East Coast. | ||
| Fake Italian dudes. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Who were always connected. | ||
| You know those guys who were always trying to break into acting. | ||
| Those fake tough guy dudes. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Go to Bobby D's house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good guy that Bobby D. Yeah, who else? | |
| Who else is it real? | ||
| Sean Connery. | ||
| If you could say you're friends with Sean Connery. | ||
| I'm going fly fishing with Sean Connery, actually. | ||
| Well, that's people who have to drop, even like countries. | ||
| Yeah, I got these nice shoes. | ||
| Yeah, I got them in France. | ||
| That makes it a fucking big deal. | ||
| Oh, you got them in France. | ||
| Would you be friends with... | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| The guy from Pulp Fiction? | ||
| Shit, that's... | ||
| Oh my god, I just had a brain fart. | ||
| John Travolta? | ||
| Yeah, John Travolta. | ||
| I think he'd fuck you. | ||
| I think if you're friends, that's what happens. | ||
| He fucks you. | ||
| Somebody... | ||
| Some friend. | ||
| I heard it on some radio station. | ||
| Yeah, what a pal. | ||
| What's the other guy that was in Greece that recently died from a drug overdose? | ||
| Was that Knicky or not? | ||
| Is it Knicky? | ||
| Greece that recently died of a drug overdose? | ||
| Yeah, the other main guy in Greece that was in Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| Oh, is he the guy that was from Taxi? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that the guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| You're talking about Jeff something or another? | ||
| The one that just recently died. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know that guy's name. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll look it up. | ||
| I had heard that that... | ||
| See, I've only really watched Celebrity Rehab once. | ||
| And I get depressed. | ||
| I don't like watching people that are falling apart. | ||
| I don't like taking in that vibe. | ||
| Occasionally I like to know what Jeff Conway is. | ||
| Yeah, he said that he spent the night once at his house. | ||
| Supposedly, this is what I heard on the radio, that he went over there to spend the night at his house and he crashed and he woke up and he was fondling him. | ||
| Who was fondling him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Travolta? | |
| Travolta was fondling him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| I hate that. | ||
| Don't you hate it when you wake up and one of your friends is playing with your balls? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wake up and the dude from Pulp Fiction is sucking your dick. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Really? | ||
| If I let you suck my dick, will you leave me alone? | ||
| Mike Wallace, I heard that, Mike Wallace from whatever the Inquirer is or whatever he works for that released all this shit, said they asked him, is this shit fake? | ||
| Are you guys just trying, are these people really telling the truth? | ||
| And they're like, do we give them lie detector tests? | ||
| We fucking go and check. | ||
| If they say any detail, like going to hotels or something like that, they get it. | ||
| This was on the Howard Stern show that he said this. | ||
| And stuff like that. | ||
| All these people are all telling the truth. | ||
| So all these masseuses are all telling the truth? | ||
| Yeah, is that crazy? | ||
| Well, who knows? | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| We don't have an official stance on this. | ||
| Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, nor Brian Redman. | ||
| I'm just regurgitating what I've been hearing. | ||
| I happen to know, but I'm not talking. | ||
| Dom, you know what I'll be talking about? | ||
| Tell us about the time that you worked as a masseuse for the Hollywood Elite. | ||
| I'm not talking. | ||
| You know what I'll be talking about? | ||
| June 30th at the Tropicana in Atlantic City. | ||
| That's when I'll be talking. | ||
| Those big manly hands that you have, I bet you would give a good massage. | ||
| My hands are very soft. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They could toughen up quickly. | ||
| You know what would be a good show is Dom and Joey Diaz dressed up as women, like bosom buddies, but with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man. | |
| You know, I never thought I'd say this. | ||
| I never thought I'd say this, but I'd be the hot one. | ||
| Wouldn't I be awesome if it was like Golden Girls? | ||
| Maybe throw in another person. | ||
| I like seeing people like Joey because it makes me feel not as fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not that fat. | |
| Yeah, I do a joke about like, no matter how chaotic my life is, when I'm hanging around with Joey Diaz, I'm like, I'm fine. | ||
| It's just like a balancer, a leveler. | ||
| He's your canary. | ||
| Yeah, he's my canary in the coal mine. | ||
| I love Joey, and I always love to know what he's thinking. | ||
| Oh, he's an animal. | ||
| When he has that look on his face. | ||
| Joey Diaz could just read the newspaper and have you cry and laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just point out anything. | ||
| I've never met a dude who makes me laugh like that guy does on a consistent basis. | ||
| He gets fucking crazy. | ||
| He'll get crazy about ketchup. | ||
| This ain't fucking ketchup, Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I was Cuban back in Jersey, when we had fucking ketchup, it was real ketchup. | |
| This is some watery bullshit. | ||
| It doesn't taste like... | ||
| He'll get fucking angry. | ||
| No, Heinz is actually pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck out of here! | |
| Heinz! | ||
| You fucking momos buying up Heinz. | ||
| Joe, I just got off the road with him, right? | ||
| And one of the hotels we stayed at had a business center. | ||
| He was like, come on, you got to go to the business center with me. | ||
| And just watching him sit here checking his thing-majiggers, like, look at that picture. | ||
| He's just sitting there with his glasses on doing the computer system. | ||
| I worked with him at Miami Improv. | ||
| And the whole day he hung at the club so he could use the phone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just to make local calls. | ||
| He could fucking do it from the room, but he chose to do it from the club. | ||
| He used to, yeah, he used to not even have a cell phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For the longest time, Joey just had a pager. | ||
| When everybody else had a cell phone, Joey still had a pager. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would just, you would never be able to find him. | ||
| Dude, now he's embraced it, man. | ||
| He has number one fucking CD on iTunes. | ||
| Comedy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He's gone completely digital. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, we got Joey on Twitter, and then Joey started really getting into it. | ||
| For a while, like, fuck this MySpace Facebook. | ||
| What the fuck am I doing online? | ||
| And then after a while, I'm not sending you a fucking text message, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Remember you had a whole video about you sending him text messages and he would get angry. | ||
| We made a video about it. | ||
| It was one of the earliest videos. | ||
| That was a Death Squad one, right? | ||
| What number was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, that was Joey Diaz Ready to Die. | |
| Oh, Joey Diaz ready to die. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| If you can find that, is that online somewhere? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's his health? | ||
| It's fucking, it's a brilliant, brilliant video. | ||
| What's his health like, Joe? | ||
| Is he working out? | ||
| He's alive. | ||
| He's a science project. | ||
| If Joey Diaz just sits you down and goes over all the substances, dog. | ||
| All the years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the Pink Floyd albums I listen to, motherfucker. | |
| If he wouldn't go over his history, you'd be like, there's no way he could be alive. | ||
| How is this guy, how is it possible? | ||
| It's unfair. | ||
| He's healthy as a horse. | ||
| Joey Diaz is a fucking savage. | ||
| He'll live to be a thousand. | ||
| It's amazing, isn't it? | ||
| High school football players die on a field from dehydration. | ||
| Then you get guys who wake up every day and think, how can I kill myself today? | ||
| And they're still alive. | ||
| Well, Joey's really healthy now. | ||
| He lost a lot of weight, too. | ||
| He lost like 80 pounds. | ||
| He lost a lot of weight because he got real big for a while. | ||
| And it sucked because we would go places. | ||
| We would go to the airport. | ||
| And he hated when he had a long walk to the rental car. | ||
| Oh, that's a bad sign. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was getting big. | ||
| But he didn't want to do it with surgery. | ||
| He just did it with his will. | ||
| He just got on Weight Watchers and slowly shed it away. | ||
| How do you get on Weight Watchers on the road, though? | ||
| How do you cook the shit and all? | ||
| I think it's like they give you a point system. | ||
| I think the way it works is like pizza is X amount of points, and this is that amount of points. | ||
| You get so many points a day. | ||
| They have it broken down where really healthy things are, like, very few points. | ||
| Like, I think, like, celery is, like, zero points. | ||
| You can just eat celery by itself all day. | ||
| Yeah, because that's mostly water. | ||
| Yeah, you can't even... | ||
| It actually is really good for you. | ||
| It cleans your poop chute out. | ||
| Oh, that's good to know. | ||
| It's tremendous. | ||
| Speaking of Travolta... | ||
| I drink this kale shake that has a lot of celery. | ||
| It has five stalks of celery in it. | ||
| So I take every day five stalks of celery. | ||
| Five stalks of celery, a big bushel, a big fucking leaf of kale, pears, garlic, ginger, and it grinds it all a lot. | ||
| And makes it like a soup, like pea soup. | ||
| Very much like pea soup. | ||
| Were you in a cover of a magazine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was on a couple of martial arts magazines. | |
| Yeah, I haven't seen that. | ||
| I want to see it. | ||
| You're like split in half? | ||
| You're like doing a split? | ||
| One of them, yeah. | ||
| I think I was throwing it. | ||
| No, you know what? | ||
| On the black belt one, no. | ||
| I was just standing there like a dish bag. | ||
| I was really stupid. | ||
| I should have never let them make me pose like that. | ||
| They're like, why don't you cross your arms, look at the camera, like, very serious. | ||
| So that's what I did. | ||
| And then I was like, ew. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| What message is that? | ||
| I should be smiling. | ||
| Do you think you could beat the two of us if we just charged you right now? | ||
| I would hope I would never have to know. | ||
| Yeah, how douchey do I look? | ||
| And look at your old tattoo right there. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| My poor tattoo. | ||
| It's still there. | ||
| I gotta get it lasered off to finish my right sleeve, the Aaron Della Vadova sleeve. | ||
| That's graphics bong, right? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was like a thing that I drew. | ||
| It was like a demon with a jester's mask on it. | ||
| It's so crazy because I always thought it was the graphic spawn. | ||
| I was like, damn, that dude loves fucking Wii. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| It's such a stupid little tattoo. | ||
| Well, I was an artist. | ||
| I actually drew that, you know? | ||
| And when I was a kid, I used to draw a lot of demons with, like, hats. | ||
| And demons, like, demons with baseball hats on and shit. | ||
| Like, standing over little kids' beds. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| I used to draw some creepy shit. | ||
| And I drew that, and so that was my first tattoo. | ||
| I just noticed it says, Joe Rogan proves fear is not a factor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How young were you, Joe? | ||
| I guess I was in my early 30s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because Fear Factor... | ||
| Went on for like six years. | ||
| Were you still in your 20s when I met you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, when we met, I was really young. | ||
| You and I met when we did Montreal together. | ||
| We did Showtime. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I was only like 24 or 25. And then we met in New York at the David Brenner's pool. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We played pool together. | ||
| We met at Amsterdam. | ||
| And Dom's one of the few. | ||
| I brought my cue today. | ||
| Dom's one of those guys we threaten to play each other like once a month. | ||
| That's what we always say. | ||
| We try to do it. | ||
| But sometimes we'll go like years. | ||
| Did you show me something doing splits? | ||
| Oh, that's the one I was talking about. | ||
| Now, if I was a gay man... | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I'd be into me. | ||
| I just did a new thing for this Fighters Only magazine. | ||
| Just did a more recent one where I don't look as good. | ||
| What's the last fight you've been in? | ||
| Like a real fight? | ||
| Like a fist fight? | ||
| Like a street fight. | ||
| Not since I was a teenager. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I avoid everything. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to. | ||
| You kill people. | ||
| Or you get stabbed or shot. | ||
| Or guess what? | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that know how to fight. | ||
| They might beat your fucking ass. | ||
| The idea of going around and getting in fights with people, it's like almost everything. | ||
| We can get along without that. | ||
| Almost every situation in life can get along without someone beating the fuck out of somebody. | ||
| Almost everyone. | ||
| That's what I was saying today. | ||
| And when it's not, when you can't get along without it, it's like, well, you're in the presence of some sort of a dangerous, scary person who's not thinking clearly. | ||
| You think Brian would win that fight? | ||
| Brian would just quit right away. | ||
| Get out of breath? | ||
| He has this move. | ||
| Are you ticklish? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never got tickled by a guy. | ||
| What if I just give you a little tickler? | ||
| He just drops his pants and he opens up his butt and the vision is so horrific and his shirt falls down into his armpits so his gut hangs down and he's just opening up his assholes. | ||
| You'll just run away. | ||
| You won't want none of that. | ||
| What he's willing to do to you and then you come close to him and he'll try to lick you or something. | ||
| It's like you don't want that. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| He'll just grab your face and just start licking you. | ||
| I'm glad I am. | ||
| He'll tongue kiss you. | ||
| He would tongue kiss you to get out of trouble. | ||
| He would tongue kiss you, just grab you and just start making out with you. | ||
| And you would run. | ||
| You would run. | ||
| You know, every animal has its own way of defending itself and its environment. | ||
| You know, like octopuses, they blend in. | ||
| They become camouflaged, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There's a lot of animals, they blend in with the reef. | ||
| Right, Domimera? | ||
| Yes, that's right. | ||
| That's why Nemo is so brightly colored. | ||
| Is that why? | ||
| So Nemo could blend in with the reed. | ||
| I was hoping we'd get the Nemo by this point in the show. | ||
| I assume that's a beautiful fish. | ||
| Why would nature want something so brightly colored? | ||
| Because it's cute. | ||
| It's pretty fucking bizarre, man, when you think about the colors that nature has chosen and stuck with as far as designs of things. | ||
| Like tigers. | ||
| Like a big, giant, crazy killing machine that's beautiful with like White and different stripes to it. | ||
| It's not just like, why does it have to have different stripes to it? | ||
| It's obviously just fucking things up. | ||
| That's all this thing does. | ||
| It's not worried about anybody. | ||
| That thing has no natural predators. | ||
| So it's completely fearless. | ||
| So it's expressing itself as boldly as it wants to. | ||
| It's not hiding from shit. | ||
| It's on the apex of the predators. | ||
| But why is it so beautiful? | ||
| Why is it colored like that? | ||
| What benefit of natural selection was it that the tigers that made it to maturity and lived the longest and decided to outbreed the others were the ones that were brightly colored and beautiful? | ||
| That's wild, man. | ||
| You know how we find new species all the time? | ||
| Wouldn't it be cool if we found, like, new colors once in a while? | ||
| Like, we just found this new color. | ||
| It would blow your mind. | ||
| Yeah, like, if they just figure out, like, something that they can add, like, hard disk space to your optical nerves, and all of a sudden you see a broader spectrum of colors. | ||
| Or just a different color. | ||
| Like, imagine, because we grew up with all these colors, but if you just threw a new color into the mix and it blew all the charts... | ||
| You know, it's amazing that you guys smoke a pot doesn't seem to affect you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER I mean, is it possible that there could be another color? | |
| I don't know enough about colors. | ||
| I don't know, because we have this whole graph, like the color wheel and rainbows and shit to go on as proof, and that's the only thing that's colored, is Spectrum. | ||
| But what if there's something that just throws a wrench into that mix, and now you're like, oh. | ||
| I mean, that has to have happened throughout history, right? | ||
| Where they thought they had shit figured out. | ||
| How about those assholes that were using leeches? | ||
| How the fuck did that ever happen? | ||
| The bloodletting. | ||
| Were they doctors that were using leeches? | ||
| They had gone to doctor school and they were like, certain leeches appear to help. | ||
| Well, how about bloodletting, Joe? | ||
| The worst thing you can fucking do for a sick person is let more blood out. | ||
| Lobotomy. | ||
| And they thought there was bad blood inside of them. | ||
| Yeah, poison blood. | ||
| There was so much stupidity when it came to the human anatomy and how to fix things. | ||
| They used to use leeches on black eyes for fighters. | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| They did. | ||
| On the swollen eye, they put a leech. | ||
| It would suck the blood out. | ||
| Do you remember in Rocky that he couldn't see out of his eyes? | ||
| Cut me, Mick! | ||
| He actually asked him to cut him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cut me, Mick! | ||
| Cut me! | ||
| What kind of nonsense is that? | ||
| I've done that during sets. | ||
| But isn't that ridiculous? | ||
| Like, no one's ever done that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Why'd they put that in the movie? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Sly. | ||
| I want some answers. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Burgess Meredith is dead. | ||
| That guy is fucking way bigger than everybody says he is. | ||
| I am so tired of everybody telling me that Sylvester Stallone is like this little tiny guy. | ||
| Like, people have some weird thing to take guys like him and Tom Cruise and go, yeah, well, he's only 5'1". | ||
| Oh, yeah, right. | ||
| Yeah, well, maybe he's got fucking billions and maybe he looks good at 70, but he's only fucking 5'3". | ||
| But he does wear heels. | ||
| I'm 5'8 and he's bigger than me. | ||
| But he wears heels. | ||
| Whatever he's wearing. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| He's a big guy. | ||
| I've met him a few times. | ||
| His physical width. | ||
| That's a thick dude, man. | ||
| Can I tell you what he said to me, which is fucking hilarious? | ||
| What did he say to me? | ||
| I met him at this thing. | ||
| The name drop was Bruce Willis was at the opening in Montreal for Planet Hollywood. | ||
| And very nicely, though, he comes up to me. | ||
| And I'm with Sophie. | ||
| And he goes, Hey Dom, I'm Sly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know if I met you in Paul Reiser's thing. | |
| And I go, yeah, Sly, I remember you. | ||
| I'm thinking, in the back of my head, I'm thinking... | ||
| This is fucking Rocky. | ||
| This is Rambo. | ||
| Do I remember you? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| I got a chance to interview him for one of the UFCs. | ||
| I think it was before The Expendables or one of his movies. | ||
| And I got a chance to interview him. | ||
| And I was like, this is crazy, man. | ||
| Because when I was a kid, I mean, how many people have told him this story? | ||
| I saw his movie and then I went out and I ate raw eggs and ran around the block. | ||
| Trying to catch a chicken. | ||
| I ate raw eggs. | ||
| I did. | ||
| Just like he did it. | ||
| I put on a sweatsuit and I ran around the block like a fucking idiot. | ||
| I was so inspired. | ||
| I hadn't done any martial arts training at all at this point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| It was the perfect movie for that kind of inspiration. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was so interesting how touching that simple movie could be. | ||
| We love watching someone try to pull something off. | ||
| People love underdogs. | ||
| I don't know if you know this, but... | ||
| UFC light heavyweight champ John Jones just got into a car accident. | ||
| Do you know about this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He's okay. | ||
| He was drunk though. | ||
| And apparently, allegedly, the story is that at least they arrested him for DUI. I don't know whether or not he was drunk. | ||
| I don't know the full particulars of the story. | ||
| But... | ||
| So many people are, like, shitting on this kid, you know, and angry with him, as they should be for anybody who's driving drunk and anybody who loses control of their car and crashes into a tree. | ||
| But I think there's a little extra venom about this guy because he's so successful. | ||
| Because he's, like, it's come so easy to him. | ||
| And it's not easy. | ||
| Obviously, it's hard work. | ||
| But he's been, like, dominating all these people. | ||
| And I think we like to shoot people down when they get too big. | ||
| We like to look for the first flaw. | ||
| And make no mistake about it, there's no apology for what he's done. | ||
| Because what he's done scares the fuck out of me. | ||
| The one thing that I'm terrified of is finding myself on the road and seeing someone who's drunk coming towards you who doesn't have control of their car. | ||
| It's a terrible feeling. | ||
| And we've seen drunks on the highway before. | ||
| It's a scary, scary fucking thing. | ||
| So this guy loses control of his car and slams into a pole. | ||
| Whatever the fuck costs him to do that, that's bad. | ||
| That's fucking real bad. | ||
| But I think people are also, like, chipping away at this dude as a human because he's been so successful so quick. | ||
| And because he sort of tries to promote himself as, like, a God-fearing man, and he tries to promote himself as... | ||
| As a good Christian. | ||
| And because of that, when he makes a mistake and does something fucked up, people really go after him. | ||
| Because it's very difficult when you set a big example and you want to set an amazing path for kids and then you do something. | ||
| You say that's what you're doing and you say you're going to be a hero for these kids and And then, boom, you have this horrible situation. | ||
| Well, everybody's waiting for Tim Tebow to fail. | ||
| They're waiting for him to get pictures of him fucking a goat or something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They would love that. | ||
| Look, I think the whole thing is a fucking tragedy on the human... | ||
| The human personality, the individual that allows themselves to get to a situation where they smash a car into a tree because they're fucked up on a drug. | ||
| It's scary because you're taking all of our lives at risk, too, with your craziness. | ||
| I just don't drive since DUI. I had a DUI. I don't fucking drive. | ||
| The appeal of Rocky is the same appeal that we all want to see somebody rise up and stop the unstoppable. | ||
| And beat up a black guy. | ||
| And when someone's really good, we want him to fail. | ||
| We secretly wanted Tyson to fail before he failed. | ||
| And then when he failed, there was like a weight lifted off the world of like a million men. | ||
| You like to see the bully knocked down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're never the same. | ||
| He was never the same after that. | ||
| He never fought the same. | ||
| He never had the same confidence. | ||
| Well, I think you could only maintain the sort of pace that he was doing. | ||
| Depending upon your personality, but it could only go for a few years. | ||
| The amount of rage... | ||
| It was menacing, wasn't it? | ||
| Oh, he was the best ever! | ||
| Everybody wants to say that Ali was a great fighter, no doubt about it. | ||
| Tyson was better. | ||
| I really think Tyson was better. | ||
| I think Tyson in his prime, like the Marvis Frazier prime, I don't think Ali would have been able to keep him off. | ||
| I was ringside when he fought Michael Spinks in Atlantic City. | ||
| It was like up-jumped the devil. | ||
| It was like smoke was coming out of his nostrils. | ||
| He took shit to a whole new level. | ||
| It was unbelievable. | ||
| There was a bunch of guys. | ||
| I was a big boxing fan in high school. | ||
| And this was around that time that Tyson sort of rose to prominence right when I was getting out of high school. | ||
| It was like the cover of Sports Illustrated. | ||
| They called him Wonder Kid, and he was 19 years old. | ||
| 19, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and he was just fucking smashing people. | ||
| Can you imagine when he was like robbing purses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| How scary that would have been. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He was such an amazing specimen, but he's also intelligent. | ||
| But the physical speed that that guy had while maintaining 220, 200 and whatever pounds he was, was incredible. | ||
| No, we'd never had anybody that could punch that fast. | ||
| The Marvis-Fraser fight is one of the worst maulings in a professional heavyweight fight ever, of all time. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what was bad. | ||
| Randall Cobb, when he got beat by Larry Holmes. | ||
| That wasn't as bad. | ||
| But we wanted him to go down. | ||
| We were all friends with him. | ||
| Go down, Randall. | ||
| Go down. | ||
| I know he couldn't, but it was horrible. | ||
| That was a ferocious beating. | ||
| But you know what he did after that? | ||
| He went to school and got a master's degree. | ||
| That guy, he got out of boxing, did acting, and I don't know if he suffers anything from his great career. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| You talk to him and he repeats himself. | ||
| There's no way around that, man. | ||
| And then you'll talk to him and he'll repeat himself. | ||
| There's no way around that. | ||
| That's scary shit. | ||
| Getting struck in the head on a repeated basis. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that suffer what they call pugilistica dementia. | ||
| A lot of guys suffer it that never even go pro. | ||
| Just guys who have good gym fights. | ||
| Well, you know Maymay Ali. | ||
| You know her, don't you? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And she would tell me... | ||
| She goes, my father knows everything that's going on. | ||
| His body's just failing him. | ||
| But his mind is right there. | ||
| He's like trapped in his body. | ||
| Could you imagine, man? | ||
| Well, you know, that's what cracks me up about the football thing with like all the research they're doing on concussions. | ||
| Of course they're concussions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Of course. | ||
| Every 40 seconds they're like in a car accident. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I don't know if it's that much, but it's pretty horrendous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you look at some of those... | ||
| That's football. | ||
| They used to call them dingers. | ||
| What's the biggest linebacker they have now? | ||
| Who's the biggest? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know who the biggest is. | ||
| Give me a big fucking scary guy. | ||
| Like 6'5 for a linebacker, 270. That'd be pretty big. | ||
| But fast, that's the thing. | ||
| You have to remember, they're fucking fast. | ||
| And they're hitting you with a lot of speed. | ||
| And they're super athletes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Herschel Walker's still beating the fuck out of people. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| 48 years old. | ||
| He was a phenomena. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, what a freak combination of, like, a guy who's completely driven is a natural super athlete and has incredible discipline. | ||
| He had multiple personalities, too, you know? | ||
| He came in with different personalities in therapy. | ||
| You heard about that, right? | ||
| Yeah, I did hear about that. | ||
| How fucking crazy is that? | ||
| Wasn't that supposedly trauma-induced? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I thought that that was one of the issues, that this was something related to his football career. | ||
| Yeah, that I don't know. | ||
| But I just know that... | ||
| Imagine him coming in as Big Sue. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Hi, Big Sue. | ||
| How are you feeling today? | ||
| I'm going to look this up. | ||
| What, multiple personality? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I think it is? | ||
| All of a sudden, I'm a therapist. | ||
| But it's not a psychosis. | ||
| It's an erotic disorder. | ||
| An erotic? | ||
| Erotic? | ||
| No, neurotic. | ||
| Oh, I thought you said erotic. | ||
| I was like, hey, Dom. | ||
| I find that very erotic. | ||
| I'm just listening to this here. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Oh, digg! | ||
| Multiple personality trauma induced. | ||
| Is that what it says? | ||
| No, I'm googling that. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| But I believe it did have something to do with that. | ||
| Yeah, trauma induced. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This sort of usually has its roots in childhood trauma. | ||
| Oh, so it could be emotional trauma too. | ||
| Could be that, yeah. | ||
| Like Sybil had that. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| You remember Sybil? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Very dear friend of mine. | ||
| Her and Bobby D and I used to get brunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel. | ||
| He was talking also about how he became a completely different guy when he was playing. | ||
| Brought out his rage, right? | ||
| Yeah, his exact quote was, you don't want the Herschel that plays football babysitting your child. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| I'll punt that baby. | ||
| Could you imagine that coming out of Herschel Walker's mouth, how scary that would be? | ||
| No. | ||
| You do not want the Herschel that plays football babysitting your child. | ||
| Even though he would think of that, it's scary. | ||
| Yeah, well, he's ruthless. | ||
| I mean, I think to get that good at something, like as good as Herschel Walker was at football, I really do believe that madness and excellence are just next-door namers. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think in order to hit the levels of proficiency that those guys hit, like the true greats, like a guy like Jordan, a guy like Chris Walker. | ||
| Jordan's a good example because he's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| He's one of those guys, like when he did his acceptance speech for the Hall of Fame, he was complaining about people who rejected him. | ||
| Instead of taking it and going, hey, I'm number one, he came angry at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that, you know, they never find peace. | ||
| Their life is always chasing something, chasing, you know, a win, chasing a victory, chasing whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Don't you love that about stand-up, Joe? | ||
| Like, we can get better until we get fucking cocked on the head. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| But no matter what Jordan does, no matter what nutrition he can go visit, you know, the monks in Nepal, nothing's going to make him Michael Jordan again. | ||
| Yeah, the physical body wanes a lot quicker than the mind, but we're going to be shitting our pants and dying in fear just like him. | ||
| Hey, you'll be walking me. | ||
| You'll come and visit me at the home before I'll come and visit you. | ||
| Well, who knows? | ||
| Who knows how we all go, but it's not going to be good. | ||
| But Herschel Walker is at 48 years old. | ||
| He's fucking shredded. | ||
| Shredded. | ||
| I don't know if he's going to fight again, but he's had a bunch of MMA fights. | ||
| I think he's had three or four. | ||
| Well, he's the one that used to do like 2,000 sit-ups. | ||
| Yeah, he still does. | ||
| He still does that crazy shit. | ||
| He does all calisthenics. | ||
| He's just fucking just a freak. | ||
| He's so goddamn strong. | ||
| He takes these guys like... | ||
| I mean, he's good. | ||
| He's physically talented. | ||
| I know he's like a black belt in some martial art, karate or taekwondo or something along those lines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So he physically knows how to kick and punch. | ||
| And then, you know, he's been training at AKA, which is a big gym up in San Jose. | ||
| One of the, like, big gyms in the country as far as MMA is concerned. | ||
| Like, Josh Koscheck came out of there. | ||
| John Fitch. | ||
| A lot of good guys. | ||
| Like, real good. | ||
| Gilbert Melendez. | ||
| No, excuse me. | ||
| Josh Thompson, rather, came out of there. | ||
| Gilbert Melendez and him just fought this past weekend. | ||
| Fucking incredible fight. | ||
| Holy shit, that was amazing. | ||
| When do you announce a fight again? | ||
| This weekend. | ||
| It's an upcoming weekend. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Vegas. | ||
| Fuck, I love it. | ||
| I think you're so fucking good at that. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Well, thanks. | ||
| I love hearing you. | ||
| I don't want to make it the Sammy Magdalene show, but you really break it down and you make people understand it. | ||
| Like I told you that before. | ||
| It's like so much fun because you're enthusiasm, but you know what you're talking about, but you're not above. | ||
| I don't even know what the fuck some guys are talking about. | ||
| He threw a right classanga. | ||
| Yeah, there's a little of that that goes on where it gets real sports specific. | ||
| He hit him with the 3-2 and dig in with the 5. Come on, man. | ||
| How many motherfuckers out there watching at home know what a 5 is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Punches are... | ||
| One is the jab. | ||
| Two is the straight right hand. | ||
| Three is the left hook. | ||
| Four is the right upper... | ||
| So what's the 5? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's probably a liver hook. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't even know what it is. | ||
| You can't go that far and not tell me the five, Joe. | ||
| They'll go as far as trying too hard. | ||
| You get a lot of sports guys that do that. | ||
| They try too hard to use the correct phrases. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| They'll say exotic shapes, but they'll get it wrong. | ||
| Like, this is a Kimura. | ||
| No, no, this is Americana. | ||
| You know, it's a different situation. | ||
| See how the grip is? | ||
| It's totally different. | ||
| But, you know, they're calling it out anyway because it sounds like the cool sports guy thing to know. | ||
| The omoplata is a good one. | ||
| There's a guy named Walt Frazier who's an old guy who's played for the Knicks and he announces Knicks games and he does that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was, you know, juxtaposition of the imperialistic. | ||
| Get out of here, bitch. | ||
| It's like, come on. | ||
| Is there anything grosser? | ||
| Remember when Dennis Miller used to make references, like, to the Tigers and Euphrates River? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| These fucking guys in Pittsburgh are watching a game drinking, but what's he talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The what? | |
| Dennis Miller had the weirdest act going on for a long time like that. | ||
| But this was when he was on Monday Night Football I'm talking about. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, he pissed a lot of people off on that, didn't he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he was trying to, like, insert jokes into it. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, also, with his references and, you know... | ||
| One time I did a thing. | ||
| I enjoy his first two specials. | ||
| Oh, he's a good comedian. | ||
| There's no doubt. | ||
| Before he became all crazy right-winger, he got a little deep end after 9-11-ish. | ||
| He went a little pro-Bush-ish. | ||
| But you go back to his earlier stuff, he's a very funny comic. | ||
| You know, it's amazing. | ||
| I was asking a writer, and you know the guy. | ||
| I won't say I'm on the air. | ||
| But he wrote for Dennis, Jon Stewart, and Bill Maher. | ||
| And he said, by far, Dennis was the most decent guy to work with. | ||
| He's a great guy to talk to. | ||
| I've done his radio show a few times. | ||
| He's a great guy to talk to. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of guys that I enjoy talking to. | ||
| There's a guy named Sam Harris that I had on the podcast. | ||
| He's very much like... | ||
| I thought he was... | ||
| He's a brilliant dude, but he shares a lot of the same sort of ideas that a lot of right-wing people share, like about the good ideas about war and the good things that we're doing by going over to these other countries and ignoring and minimalizing all the bad shit and ignoring and minimalizing All the damage that it does to these societies and the fact that people are profiting from it. | ||
| See, I would just like it explained to me. | ||
| Like, the way you were saying you explained martial arts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or AMA, rather. | ||
| I would just like somebody to explain to me why we're in Afghanistan. | ||
| What the whole purpose... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I still don't fucking know. | ||
| It's a massive mindfuck. | ||
| If you really sit down with someone who tells you on one side that it's an important thing as far as stabilizing that region and keeping Al-Qaeda from getting a stronghold and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, you can listen to that and you go, wow, okay, I see the point. | ||
| You know, maybe... | ||
| Maybe our military's working hard to keep us safe, and they know better than us, and that's why they're there, and they know there's a threat there. | ||
| But then when you look at it on the other side, and you talk to someone who is very educated in the history of the ways of this country, and they explain to you what's most likely going on, is that there's resources over there that we need to control. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Yeah, the Russians couldn't beat them. | ||
| They could walk there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, apparently we're supposed to leave now. | ||
| That's what Obama's saying. | ||
| Obama's having these things while he's running for re-election where he's sitting down with Karzai. | ||
| By the way, Karzai's brother, somehow or another he got busted being in cahoots with the opium dealers down in Afghanistan. | ||
| And he was getting CIA money. | ||
| So this guy was working with the opium trade, getting CIA money. | ||
| And he's the brother of the president of Afghanistan. | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all crooked. | |
| But it's amazing how... | ||
| You don't even have to look for... | ||
| It's not like six degrees of Kevin Bacon. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| It's like his fucking brother is in the heroin business. | ||
| There's no degrees. | ||
| He's right there. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I look at both sides, both arguments. | ||
| The pro argument is very shaky, in my opinion. | ||
| And I can understand the Saddam Hussein paranoia, but the Afghanistan... | ||
| My brother Joe's a colonel in the Marines. | ||
| I think the thing is the worried about Al-Qaeda taking control of the area. | ||
| The Taliban taking control of the resources. | ||
| Apparently the idea is that there's a lot of money to be made in that country. | ||
| They don't have oil though. | ||
| They have a lot of minerals. | ||
| Trillions of dollars in minerals. | ||
| And there's natural gas. | ||
| That's what the Soviets were trying to control. | ||
| And then there's the opium trade. | ||
| People don't want to believe it, but the reality is the poppies, the production has gone up through the fucking roof since America occupied. | ||
| I mean, all the statistics are available online. | ||
| You can look at it. | ||
| People don't want to believe it, but they're not stopping it. | ||
| No one in the United States that goes over there, none of those army guys, are stopping the production of poppies. | ||
| In fact, they're guarding poppy fields, and that's a fact. | ||
| Americans are guarding poppy fields? | ||
| Guarding poppy fields. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| People don't believe it. | ||
| Brian, pull that shit up because we've had this on the podcast before. | ||
| Unfortunately, people have heard about this before. | ||
| It's a nutty situation. | ||
| And a lot of that stuff, I don't know what they use it for. | ||
| If it's for pharmaceutical drugs, which that is a legitimate use for that stuff. | ||
| Or if it's getting sold right into the heroin market. | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| But to pretend that this isn't a factor, that these trillions of dollars, oh please, conspiracy theory, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| You're talking about something that generates just fucking insane amounts of money. | ||
| Insane amounts of money. | ||
| And I wonder how much pressure something like this, like some sort of a business venture like this, has on the introduction and the legalization of other drugs in this country. | ||
| You know, the only way they could pull off a heroin deal like this is if heroin's illegal. | ||
| So everything gets moved in under the table. | ||
| Everything gets snuck in through, you know, prearranged shipping routes. | ||
| Everything's clandestine. | ||
| You know, that's really the only way to do it because otherwise other people are going to do it. | ||
| Are we still getting opium from Afghanistan? | ||
| Of course we are. | ||
| We must be. | ||
| How's it get through? | ||
| Where's it going? | ||
| Look, they're making 90 plus percent of the world's opium in Afghanistan. | ||
| 90 plus percent. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| I mean, just that number alone is almost like a joke. | ||
| It's almost like this is a comic book. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The bad guy lives in a place where all the opium is. | ||
| We've got to let these people grow. | ||
| The bad guy is the opium. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| The opium takes care of the schools, just like in Botswana, the diamonds. | ||
| You want to find the enemy in Afghanistan? | ||
| It's heroin. | ||
| That's the enemy. | ||
| But if you like it, go for it. | ||
| Especially if you're a musician. | ||
| Because they make good shit when they're on heroin. | ||
| A lot of them do. | ||
| Eric Clapton was best when he was on heroin. | ||
| Yeah, I mentioned Hendrix before, but apparently I've been corrected that Hendrix didn't do heroin until after he made his music. | ||
| He put out his studio albums, and then he started fucking around with heroin. | ||
| Is that what he died on? | ||
| No, he died on a bunch of shit, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that believe that he was murdered. | ||
| Like his former manager was a roadie. | ||
| And the roadie just released a book about it. | ||
| The roadie, I think, was also in a band himself when he was younger. | ||
| Like the Animals or something like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| And I think that's the story. | ||
| Anyway, the roadie apparently said that Jimmy had a really fucking dangerous manager. | ||
| And his manager was like mob connected and shit. | ||
| And he did a lot of fucked up things. | ||
| And one of the things he claims he did was kidnap Jimmy Hendrix. | ||
| His own manager had guys kidnap Jimmy and leave him in a hotel for three days, and then he rescued him, in quotes, to show him how powerful he is, how he can get anything done. | ||
| And they're all like, we didn't know he was with you. | ||
| And this guy, you stay with me, Jimmy, I'll protect you from these guys. | ||
| Well, apparently he also had like, you know, there was a big life insurance policy that they're saying was on Jimi Hendrix. | ||
| Now that, the veracity of that, I don't know. | ||
| You'd have to check. | ||
| I'm not really into it enough that I'm on Wikipedia, the latest. | ||
| Who the fuck knows, you know? | ||
| But the other thing was that Jimi Hendrix's girlfriend at the time, she was killed. | ||
| Somebody threw her off the top of a roof of a building somewhere in New York, but the speculation was that that had to do with Jimi Hendrix's death. | ||
| If you wanted to paint a beautiful conspiracy mystery, that's how you would go with it, whether or not that's true or not. | ||
| My favorite conspiracy was going back to Michael Jordan. | ||
| They said that because he didn't pay a lot of his golf bets. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, that was a big thing. | ||
| That his father was killed over that. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, his father was killed in North Carolina. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They said that was connected to that. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| So many conspiracy theories, but... | ||
| Holy shit, is that scary. | ||
| But he was a big gambler, I know that. | ||
| Well, I know. | ||
| There was an article that was written in Esquire or one of those. | ||
| Esquire or maybe Vanity Fair. | ||
| I don't remember what magazine it was. | ||
| But it was an article that was written by a guy who was a golf hustler who Michael Jordan owed like a half a million dollars. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He never paid up. | ||
| I heard he goes to places and has dinner and doesn't pay. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Just because he graced them with his presents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Really? | ||
| Doesn't tip. | ||
| They call Scotty Pippen no-tippin'-pippin'. | ||
| Yeah, I heard that. | ||
| That's so unfortunate. | ||
| It's amazing that a guy can get so successful and still be so selfish. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Maybe it's just he works so fucking hard that he just thinks everybody else is shit. | ||
| He's such a... | ||
| Hard-working, badass motherfucker that everybody else is like, bitch, you want money for serving me? | ||
| Right. | ||
| The irony of it is he has the worst team in the history of basketball this year. | ||
| Oh, he owns a team now, right? | ||
| He owns Bobcats, and they were the worst team ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He went from being arguably the greatest player to the worst general manager ever. | ||
| I wonder if he's... | ||
| Do you think he's not a good owner, or do you think he just doesn't have good... | ||
| I think he's got that syndrome where, you remember the Al Capone thing where everybody would laugh when he laughed and stop when he stopped? | ||
| I think he has that. | ||
| A lot of yes people around him. | ||
| So nobody says no. | ||
| So he makes moves that he doesn't really know what he's doing. | ||
| But there's nobody to confront him. | ||
| Nobody has the balls to confront him. | ||
| I think that's part of the problem. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing that people always look for. | ||
| People always look for sycophants. | ||
| When you want to see a guy who's falling apart, you look towards a sycophant. | ||
| And if you want to insult guys, you call them sycophants, which is always hilarious. | ||
| Like, guys can't be friends. | ||
| No. | ||
| If one guy is more successful than the other, well, the rest are just sycophants. | ||
| In the moron's mind, that's the conversation that comes up. | ||
| So that's demeaning to all the other guys that hang out with a guy. | ||
| Do you find people change towards you in some ways? | ||
| In what way? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Well, deferring to you because they think they can get something or anything. | ||
| Well, there's going to always be people that are weird, man. | ||
| They're trying to hustle. | ||
| They're trying to sell something. | ||
| They want to get close to you because they think it'll be advantageous to them. | ||
| There's people that give it away, man. | ||
| They give it away quick. | ||
| I just find that people kind of hit on me for stuff that I really don't... | ||
| I can't write them a strong act. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But Dom, you think you can sit down and write with me? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| But I mean, sometimes I think people want stuff that I'm not even powerful enough to give them. | ||
| You know, one thing would it be cool to do, and I have thought about doing this before, I think it would be really kind of a fun thing, to have guys like you and me and maybe Stan Hope or, you know, someone else weird along those lines. | ||
| Have, like, a series of guys. | ||
| Have Joey Diaz do some and Ari Shaffir do some. | ||
| And have it so comics will have, like, a meeting at the, you know, the improv on, like, Saturday at, like, 5 in the afternoon. | ||
| And we'll just answer any questions. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wouldn't that be great? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Can you imagine if you were a guy who'd been doing comedy a year and you could talk to the you of today just to ask you, what do you do? | ||
| How do you get started? | ||
| What do you write about? | ||
| How do you write? | ||
| Do you write it down? | ||
| Do you write bullet points? | ||
| How do you practice it? | ||
| Do you practice it in order? | ||
| Do you practice alone at home or only on stage? | ||
| Do you do the same order every time? | ||
| I had a guy ask me, and he was so disappointed that I just told him the reality. | ||
| He said, how do you get on The Tonight Show and those kind of shows? | ||
| I said, well... | ||
| The first, you know, the most important thing is it's very hard to write those sets. | ||
| Because I'm like you. | ||
| I'm more freeform and I don't like to write tight sets. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But it's hard. | ||
| And I said, you know, you really have to write them and, you know, construct them so that they're only five minutes. | ||
| And he goes, you got to write? | ||
| And I go, well, yeah. | ||
| What do you think you do? | ||
| Call up the president of show business and ask him for a favor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You gotta write? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I didn't expect that. | ||
| Yeah, some people don't like writing. | ||
| I break my head. | ||
| I've done that before, and I'm not nearly as prolific. | ||
| I gotta sit down. | ||
| Prolific. | ||
| Well, because you're working so much, too. | ||
| You were so busy with that. | ||
| Well, it's... | ||
| You know, it seems like a lot of work, but everything that I do is fun. | ||
| So it doesn't seem like work at all. | ||
| But it's still time-consuming. | ||
| It's time-consuming, yeah. | ||
| I mean, but... | ||
| It's very hard to crack the starting lineup, don't you think? | ||
| You just got to do it. | ||
| The harder it is for me, the better you get and the more strong shit you have, the harder it is to break the starting lineup because you're thinking, fuck, I don't want to put that in. | ||
| It's not strong enough. | ||
| Well, once you get it down, you get an opening bit or a whole chunk down like fucking hardened Japanese samurai sword, just fold it over and Just polish that bitch down until it's lethal. | ||
| Until it's perfect. | ||
| You don't want to let it go. | ||
| But unfortunately, you have to. | ||
| There's no other way. | ||
| We're doing a show here at the Ice House Wednesday night. | ||
| Do you do anything Wednesday? | ||
| I have one spot at the store. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| 10 o'clock show. | ||
| We're doing a show here. | ||
| I'll come out. | ||
| Will you do a set? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| What time is your spot at the store? | ||
| 10 o'clock. | ||
| Will I make it? | ||
| Yeah, you could do it just late. | ||
| If you just do your set there, and then if the store's not too late, the store's sometimes running late. | ||
| Nah, I can get on. | ||
| Well, we sometimes don't even start at 10 o'clock. | ||
| We'll start at like 10, 10. We're crazy. | ||
| What's it going to go to? | ||
| It'll go to at least midnight, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, if you come, you know, and I'm already on stage, I'll bring you on stage. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And we can fuck around. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Or you can just do your act. | ||
| I mean, I'll introduce you at any time. | ||
| Any time you get here, we'll throw you up. | ||
| That'll be awesome. | ||
| What, is it a benefit? | ||
| No, we're fucking around. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| We're going to have a podcast at 9, 10, and that's May 23rd if you're listening to this later. | ||
| Yeah, so if you're listening to this later and you want to come down to the Ice House and stalk us. | ||
| Can I plug a couple days? | ||
| Please do. | ||
| I got Atlanta. | ||
| June 15th and 16th, I think it is. | ||
| Punchline. | ||
| Oh, great club. | ||
| And a big gig for me, because it goes to Philly, is June 30th. | ||
| I'm at the Tropicana in the big room upstairs. | ||
| Tropicana, Atlantic City? | ||
| Yeah, which I love. | ||
| Do you love Atlantic City? | ||
| Well, for me. | ||
| We got all the fucking Italians coming from Hamilton. | ||
| The mayor and everybody. | ||
| Well, you know, you're one of those guys that you never stuck with the same act. | ||
| You know, you're not one of those guys where you go see them like three years later and you'll see the same shit verbatim. | ||
| It's always writing. | ||
| I fucking try. | ||
| You love it. | ||
| You're a real comic, man. | ||
| You're a real craftsman. | ||
| You could not have picked a better occupation. | ||
| It's not like Dom Herrera should have been a plumber, should have been an electrician, should have been a doctor, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| That's the one thing about my lack of talent in many things. | ||
| It's easier for me to focus. | ||
| Well, you've always loved comedy, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, since the moment I met you, we've had so many conversations about comedy, and I've got to see you always working on shit and tightening shit. | ||
| There's some guys, and we all know them. | ||
| There comes a point in time where they just start phoning it in. | ||
| But you never hit that. | ||
| You never hit that. | ||
| You even say that, too. | ||
| You're always saying, like, I'm trying to get better. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's in your head all the time. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| If you're not getting better, you're getting worse. | ||
| You don't stay at the one spot. | ||
| And what the fuck are you doing if you're not getting better? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Why are you wasting your time? | ||
| That's why I do so many sets. | ||
| It's fun, too. | ||
| It's a fun thing to do. | ||
| Make people laugh is a fun time. | ||
| We're the luckiest human being. | ||
| New rules! | ||
| One of my favorites. | ||
| I wish you could reenact that bit. | ||
| I loved that bit. | ||
| That was a labor of love, that bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a bit that I... What's her name? | |
| Anna Nicole Smith. | ||
| Anna Nicole Smith, yeah. | ||
| That was a bit that I was actually forbidden from saying at the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, Mitzi came up to me once. | ||
| That's not funny. | ||
| Leave it alone. | ||
| Show your fucking neck got longer when you went new rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
New rules! | |
| The joke was about, you know, everybody was like, oh my god, Anna Nicole Smith, she's marrying this old billionaire that's so horrible. | ||
| Like, what she's doing is so terrible, she's taking advantage of him. | ||
| And my joke was, don't you think he fucking knows? | ||
| He's 90 years old, he made a billion dollars from scratch. | ||
| Chances are, the dude's a tad crafty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it was him getting her to do all his crazy fucked up shit or he wouldn't give her money. | ||
| And it just kept getting nuttier and nuttier as he was dying. | ||
| He wanted her to lick his ass while he was dying. | ||
| He was screaming. | ||
| It was one of my favorite bits to do because it was like... | ||
| It felt justified. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You could get away with it. | ||
| I didn't know you were told not to do that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So then how did new rules come in when you do something perverted? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You can't do this in the hospital? | ||
| Yeah, she says, he goes, lick my balls. | ||
| And she says, sugar, I would love to stay here and be with you. | ||
| But the visiting hours between 9 and 11, he goes, no, I just bought the hospital. | ||
| New rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Lick my balls 24 hours a day! | ||
| I love that fucking bit. | ||
| He would be in a wheelchair, man, and she'd be standing over him, this insanely hot, big-titted guest model. | ||
| And you'd just look at her and go, oh my god, that fucking body she had. | ||
| Just this insane fuck body. | ||
| She was like a giant Jane Mansfield. | ||
| When those early pictures, like when she was in Playboy or whatever the fuck she did, you look at her body and go, Jesus Christ, what a body that woman had. | ||
| Just all voluptuous and legs and, you know, like you and I like them. | ||
| We don't like no skinny broads. | ||
| I like a little meat on the bone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like a girl I can take a good fucking, because you know how I deliver. | |
| Oh, I know. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| I like to bang a head into the wall the whole time. | ||
| I like to deliver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That sounds like him. | ||
| That's my best impression. | ||
| He's one of my best impressions, right? | ||
| I went to a strip club in Cleveland, and it was one of the most... | ||
| The name of the club was... | ||
| The name of the club was Sexy Secret, or something like that. | ||
| Something secret. | ||
| Sexy Secret. | ||
| It was something secret. | ||
| And so I walk in and I was the only white person in the whole entire club. | ||
| So like the secret was I was, you know. | ||
| But it was crazy. | ||
| Sexy secret. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Secret in, we gonna rob you! | |
| But I immediately got swarmed. | ||
| It was like zombie style. | ||
| One by one, all the strippers looked over and was like, wow, white guy. | ||
| And it came over. | ||
| At one point, I had two girls on each lap. | ||
| One girl giving me a massage. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You can't support two girls on each leg. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's a lot of weight. | ||
| Two girls on each leg. | ||
| So you got four girls on your lap. | ||
| No, no, two. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| A girl on each leg. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I meant two girls. | ||
| Two girls. | ||
| One on each leg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| One on each leg. | ||
| That's a lot of weight, too. | ||
| That hurts after a while. | ||
| That's not funny. | ||
| Yeah, you can't act like it hurts. | ||
| They weren't very big. | ||
| Move a little, honey. | ||
| Your ass is bony. | ||
| Yeah, you got to step up. | ||
| Your fucking left leg's numb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Fall down and smash your face in a cocktail glass. | ||
| But they just took turns putting their butts in my face. | ||
| Oh, Jesus, son. | ||
| It was so much butt. | ||
| I felt butt juice on my arms like it was moisturizer or something like that after a while. | ||
| It was so hot in there. | ||
| But anyways, check out a black strip club in the ghetto sometime. | ||
| It's pretty weird. | ||
| You okay? | ||
| What? | ||
| No, it's really interesting. | ||
| Butt juice. | ||
| Did you... | ||
| So you let them sort of get butt juice on you all over the place? | ||
| The thing is, you know how you go to a normal strip club like what you're used to and it's all about big boobs, perfect body, nice butt or something? | ||
| There, it was all about huge fucking bubble asses. | ||
| Just girls, normal looking girls, but with I think butt implants or something. | ||
| It was all about butts. | ||
| Can I ask you something? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you ever been officially diagnosed? | ||
| I went to a strip club in Philly, and this black chick asked me for a lap dance, and I said, no thanks, and she said, you're a racist. | ||
| And the bouncer was black, big guy, and he knew me. | ||
| And I go, what'd she say? | ||
| I said, she said, I'm a racist. | ||
| With the fact that I don't think you're hot. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Yeah, how does that make me a racist? | ||
| I have a new thing to say to you. | ||
| Meanwhile, there you are, hold on a second, because meanwhile there you are arguing with a stripper. | ||
| That's a good line. | ||
| Wow, that's good. | ||
| Oh my god, that guy. | ||
| I think he's really cute and he totally wanted to dance, but I look like his sister and that is kind of creepy. | ||
| That motherfucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said I look like his sister! | |
| And you'll start a fight in the dressing room. | ||
| And then I'll come out and fucking shank you. | ||
| Maybe you were like that close to death and you don't even know. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think I was fine. | ||
| It was pretty amazing how they just swarmed to me. | ||
| Like all these other guys were kind of getting pissed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dudes were getting pissed? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was this in Cleveland? | ||
| Was this by the flats? | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| I forget the name of it. | ||
| I know a strip club there. | ||
| A friend of mine gave this girl like a thousand dollars because she said she was studying classical music. | ||
| Some shit. | ||
| She believed him. | ||
| Or he believed her. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| She was studying like the oboe or something. | ||
| You know, some highfalutin musical school. | ||
| I can't even remember the name. | ||
| Juilliard or something. | ||
| You know, it's like, give me a fucking break. | ||
| How many girls do, like, are strippers and have, like, high-functioning jobs on top? | ||
| Not many. | ||
| Do you know there was, like, there's, like, a chick who got fired from somewhere. | ||
| I forget where she got fired from. | ||
| But she writes for, like, a local paper. | ||
| I think it was, like, the Houston Chronicle or something like that. | ||
| And she was writing a column, but she was also, like, on the side, she was a stripper. | ||
| And they found out, so they fired her. | ||
| Somebody, like, turned her in, so they fired her. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I think I would be if I was a woman and won some extra cash. | ||
| Well, first of all, anybody that would turn her in like that, I guess if it's a moral thing, you're silly. | ||
| And if it's not a moral thing, you're a cunt. | ||
| Why are you turning her in? | ||
| Yeah, there's no upside. | ||
| Why are you getting her fired? | ||
| Is she a bad person? | ||
| She's just out there hustling. | ||
| What do you give a fuck? | ||
| Just keep it yourself and now you can go see her naked. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Right? | ||
| If you've got a weird thing with somebody, the best thing to do is go visit them while they're naked. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, you can resolve that shit. | ||
| I got a stripper bit. | ||
| You know my stripper bit, Joe? | ||
| Like, I'm serious. | ||
| Brian's like, really? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I'm trying to break down the whole stripper and boyfriend relationship. | ||
| I'm trying to break it down, Brian. | ||
| You have to have a certain mentality if you're going to date a girl as an active stripper. | ||
| I couldn't do that. | ||
| You really got to be able to let things go. | ||
| You got to let things go. | ||
| Well, how about those dudes that date porn stars? | ||
| Oh, that's disgusting. | ||
| You're only allowed to fuck while you're at work. | ||
| You can't fuck on the side. | ||
| That's where I draw the line. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm the boss around here. | ||
| They have rules like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| You're allowed to fuck people, but only while you're working. | ||
| So, this dude's just working all day, every day. | ||
| Imagine she's a mother, too. | ||
| Like, the mother of your children. | ||
| A lot of a mother. | ||
| A lot of them are. | ||
| A lot of them are. | ||
| There's girls that have babies and look, what are they going to do? | ||
| They're going to make a lot of money doing porn or they're going to make no money not doing porn. | ||
| So they either do porn or they're going to do feature dancing. | ||
| It's a fucking grind out there, man, for everybody. | ||
| And if you're a chick that's banked on your looks, There's guys that think they're going to be professional pitchers and their fucking elbow blows out. | ||
| Everybody makes a risky gamble in this life. | ||
| We're all one pitch away. | ||
| Yeah, we are. | ||
| Yeah, if you look at it that way down where we are. | ||
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| I try to be as fair as possible. | ||
| Don't you? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| That's what my life's about. | ||
| Fairness. | ||
| The balance of justice. | ||
| Yeah, a balance of justice. | ||
| That's a good way of putting it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I got offered to go in a coal mine. | ||
| It was a mile and a half deep. | ||
| I declined it, but he was telling me how you travel on this thing, I forget, where you lay back and you're laying on your back and you just go down this hole slowly, you know, a mile down or something. | ||
| And he's like, dude, if you want to go, we can totally do this whenever you want to. | ||
| And I was like, fuck no. | ||
| I would rather try to commit suicide than do that. | ||
| That sounds scary as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, why are people into doing things that are really terrifying? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think they have a choice. | ||
| Yeah, coal miners are... | ||
| Can you imagine being a coal miner? | ||
| No way. | ||
| That's a different species. | ||
| There was a show that they had on Spike that I only could watch one episode because it freaked me out so bad. | ||
| I think it was called Coal. | ||
| It was a reality show about coal mining. | ||
| It was fucking terrifying. | ||
| They're deep, deep, deep inside this fucking mountain hoping it doesn't do this. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| They're pulling out giant chunks of it so they're going to make it brittle. | ||
| I mean, you know how brittle coal is anyway, man. | ||
| When you feel coal, you know how brittle coal is. | ||
| Coal breaks. | ||
| It's not steel. | ||
| You know, when you feel it, you can chew into it with those machines and they pull it out of there. | ||
| It can crack and move and shit. | ||
| How about the guys that were down there in Chile? | ||
| They were beaten off. | ||
| Was that like a month or something? | ||
| Didn't they send them flashlights? | ||
| They were beaten off? | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Here's some water, and here, fuck this. | ||
| Here's a candle so you can look each other in the eye while you're doing it. | ||
| And some butter for the canary. | ||
| You gotta kinda clean it off, though, so save the water. | ||
| Remember the one guy who had a wife and a girlfriend they found out when he was still down there? | ||
| Once he was in the hole. | ||
| The guy's bawling. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Can you imagine being in a situation where that's the only way you could feed your family? | ||
| You have to go to work in a mine. | ||
| That's really scary shit. | ||
| To be one of the people that's responsible for pulling chunks out of the earth so that we can use it. | ||
| When you look at humans and the relationship that we have to the earth... | ||
| It's so parasitic and strange. | ||
| And we never consider it that way. | ||
| We look at it as natural resources. | ||
| But if you look at the earth as like a living organism, we've got to go inside of it and pull shit out of it that we use to light things on fire on the surface. | ||
| We'll literally have our whole society run on the blood of the earth. | ||
| The whole thing is run on oil. | ||
| Everything is run on some black liquid that is fucking trillions of gallons of it inside the earth and we're sucking it out. | ||
| And we're pretty sure it's finite. | ||
| Well, it has to be finite. | ||
| We don't even know what's going to happen if it is finite. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| The Earth's going to implode? | ||
| Is it going to light on fire? | ||
| What the fuck's going to happen? | ||
| Is it going to spin faster and days will go shorter? | ||
| We'll die instantly? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| That's bad science, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I don't believe in any of that. | ||
| I don't want to get any angry Twitter messages. | ||
| The Twilight Zone. | ||
| Remember the morning sun? | ||
| The one in the episode where they thought it was getting hotter every day because the Earth had fallen out of its elliptical orbit and was coming closer and closer to the sun. | ||
| Then finally the painting started melting and they knew it was over. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And she wakes up and she finds out it's just the opposite. | ||
| The Earth is going farther away from the sun. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And every day it's getting colder. | ||
| So it just shows the fragile existence which we have. | ||
| Anyway, I've been Don Marrera. | ||
| You guys have been great at that. | ||
| I like to bum a crowd out. | ||
| A lot of guys, they go for the left, not me. | ||
| It is true, though, that we live in a delicate balance. | ||
| I mean, think about, we don't experience it here in California, but when I lived in Boston, or anybody on the East Coast knows, there's a vast difference between what it's like to go outside in January and what it's like to go outside in August. | ||
| There's a fucking world of difference. | ||
| I'd rather have January. | ||
| Would you really? | ||
| Well, then I'd rather be in 10 degrees than 110, for sure. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| That's interesting. | ||
| Is that because you've spent too much time out here? | ||
| It's because I'm a fat pig and I hate myself. | ||
| Did I remind you? | ||
| No, I never liked heat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, hot tubs, saunas. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like it hot. | ||
| You like Vegas in the summer? | ||
| No, that's too hot. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| That's different planet hot. | ||
| I like 90 degrees. | ||
| I like going outside when it's 90 degrees, especially East Coast 90 degrees because it's funky and sweaty. | ||
| I think it's healthy. | ||
| I think it's good for you. | ||
| I like 50 degrees with a thong on, a couple boiled potatoes down on clogs, and a guinea tea. | ||
| Dirty toenails. | ||
| I got dirty toenails. | ||
| Big afro wig. | ||
| Toilet paper all over my chest. | ||
| That's an image you'll never forget. | ||
| Sorry, I started the show with that. | ||
| It's not that I'll never forget it. | ||
| It's just that we could all relate. | ||
| Everyone could have seen themselves in that situation. | ||
| Especially if you didn't get expected to get, you know, woken up. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Where are we going? | ||
| Where are we going? | ||
| That's a good album cover if you're ever having a CD. It would be hilarious if it was the actual photo, if you realized it and you said, oh my god, here, hold my camera. | ||
| Take a picture of this. | ||
| I just remember him pointing at it. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I could paper all over up to my neck. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| Loads. | ||
| How much of our time on this earth is spent devising new ways to get rid of loads? | ||
| I would say 35 to 40%. | ||
| I mean, think about some of the relationships that you have were really just exchanges from a load extracting contractor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| You know, it's like there's relationships that guys have, especially like young men early on in life when you're essentially, you know, you're like a vampire that must feed. | ||
| And you only have so long where you can go before you start going crazy. | ||
| You start dating somebody like, I'm pretty close to feeding. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| And then once you get close enough so you can actually have sex, by the time you do that, Most of us have already compromised our position considerably. | ||
| And the relationship that we've agreed to and relented to is completely not what we're looking for. | ||
| We just had to get some sex in. | ||
| It's impossible to avoid. | ||
| So we tried to pretend to be the guy that you wanted us to be. | ||
| Because that's the way you get laid. | ||
| It becomes a junkie situation. | ||
| You know, it becomes a situation where you're making irrational decisions. | ||
| You're hoping that it works out and the person you wind up fucking is someone you actually like. | ||
| And just compatible personalities get together and you raise a family or whatever. | ||
| You're hoping that you get to that situation. | ||
| But most of the time, you don't. | ||
| Most of the time, you're completely incompatible. | ||
| No, you're telling me. | ||
| You date someone and there are all sorts of problems and complaining and whining and bullshit. | ||
| The funniest one, you know, Dub David off. | ||
| Yeah, very much so. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| Very funny guy. | ||
| You know, you got to talk to him sometime about this because he did it. | ||
| I thought he took the ring off the girl while she was asleep, but he just stole it from the dresser. | ||
| But in the middle of the night, he unengaged himself by taking the ring back. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Imagine her waking up the next day and... | ||
| But he got engaged in like two weeks. | ||
| What is this, a fucking movie? | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| Some people, they want that. | ||
| It's a fun thing to think of, man. | ||
| It's a love junkie. | ||
| It's like loving that feeling, that instant magic. | ||
| Well, everybody wants that. | ||
| Everybody wants to knock one out of the park. | ||
| You meet someone, and she's nice, and she's friendly, and she's interesting. | ||
| Oh my god, I just know it's the one, Dom. | ||
| I only know her for four hours, but I'm telling you, I'm marrying this girl tomorrow morning. | ||
| I already asked her to marry. | ||
| We fucked five times already. | ||
| We've known each other for four hours. | ||
| There's people that throw themselves with abandon. | ||
| It's because they want someone to believe in them. | ||
| They want someone to love them the same way they want to love someone they have this massive need To both love and be loved they are they're in a love deficit So when love comes along they they fucking throw a shit fit they go crazy They'll ban and their friends they stop and yeah, yeah phone. | ||
| They'll throw their phone in the toilet I don't care. | ||
| I'm just by your side as long as I'm with you. | ||
| I don't want anything else. | ||
| I We are complete. | ||
| You make me complete. | ||
| You make me complete, Tom Herrera. | ||
| They're just ready. | ||
| You know, Sophie and I only dated once before she moved in. | ||
| Shazam, son. | ||
| That's what I'm talking. | ||
| That's how Dom do. | ||
| No, but I mean, the thing is, it lasted nine years. | ||
| But that was a very rare situation. | ||
| She moved to China. | ||
| And the only way I was going to get her to come back was for her to move in. | ||
| How many comics do you know that have healthy relationships? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Seven. | ||
| Seven? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seven. | |
| I think it's especially hard. | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| I think it's especially hard in any sort of a creative sort of a job. | ||
| You have to have a cool chick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That understands that you... | ||
| You have to have someone who lets you think. | ||
| You have to have someone who gives you space. | ||
| You know, it's not all up in your grill constantly. | ||
| But you also have someone when you talk to, they're fun to be around. | ||
| Their brain works. | ||
| Yeah, their brain works and they have a positive spin on things. | ||
| There's certain people, we all know this, like when you meet them and then you see them and you smile and then you become enhanced. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like Joey Diaz, perfect example. | ||
| What's up, baby? | ||
| What are we doing here? | ||
| And you see him and we would all start smiling and we feel enhanced. | ||
| And then there's other people that come around and they drag on you. | ||
| You know, there's other people that come around and they just start complaining and whining and bitching. | ||
| And I've had both, man. | ||
| I've had both. | ||
| And the life of you, if you're someone that complains all the time, someone that takes that negative point of view all the time, your life will be hell. | ||
| It's gut-wrenching. | ||
| A friend of mine said there's two people in life. | ||
| There's fountains and drains. | ||
| Ah, that's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, and it's true, but when those drains, they just, you know, it's like, how you doing? | ||
| Ah, I'm hanging in there. | ||
| Oh, it's brutal. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| There's a comic that I know I love in the depth, and I won't say his name, but I spoke to him once, and I said, I'm never talking to this motherfucker again. | ||
| Do an impression of him. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| He's too obvious. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm making that up, too. | ||
| I'm just throwing people off the track now. | ||
| He was part cat. | ||
| He grew up in Afghanistan. | ||
| But, you know, I would say, hey, what's going on? | ||
| Well, I'm not so good. | ||
| I'll tell you the whole situation. | ||
| The wife, she walked out. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| She walked out on you, Mr. Joy? | ||
| 13 years, I thought this was something that we had both agreed to, and apparently she hadn't agreed to that. | ||
| Oh, jeez, you motherfucker. | ||
| Listen to yourself. | ||
| I haven't seen you in years and you just hit me with just a bucket of diarrhea. | ||
| There's people that don't even think at all about the person they're talking to. | ||
| All they think about is the shit that they want to burden you because their life has taken some terrible turn for the worst. | ||
| Mostly with a lot of people because of their shit personality. | ||
| People just go... | ||
| Fucking get away from me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| And they just run. | ||
| And then that same shitty personality is what makes you get trapped by this guy at a fucking party. | ||
| Do you know Jeremy Hatz? | ||
| The comedian from Canada. | ||
| I do not know him. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yes, I know. | ||
| Very good comedian. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| I've only seen him in video, though. | ||
| When he's serious. | ||
| We were doing Russell Peters' special in Montreal this summer. | ||
| He was my roommate. | ||
| And he'd come in and, hi, Jeremy, how you doing? | ||
| Oh, you don't have any Tums, do you? | ||
| I got like a bad stomach. | ||
| I said, no, I don't carry Tums. | ||
| He goes, you got any beer? | ||
| I go, who the fuck goes from Tums to beer? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But he was always like, and he's so fucking good on stage, but he was such a, I mean, I still enjoy him, but he is such a bummer, you know? | ||
| He's a bummer? | ||
| Well, in that sense, you know, like he's talking about his sinuses one night at the lab factory. | ||
| I said, Jerry, let me tell you something. | ||
| No group of comedians is going to be concerned about your sinuses. | ||
| No matter what, unless you have your sinuses removed, it's not an interesting story. | ||
| We don't want to hear about your fucking post-nasal drip. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not into being around people that complain about stupid shit. | ||
| You just man up and deal with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you nose bugs you. | ||
| Just deal with it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Bitch. | ||
| Right? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I went through most of my life with a broken nose. | ||
| I broke my nose when I was five. | ||
| Fell down a flight of stairs. | ||
| And for most of my life, I had, like, shitty breathing out of my nose. | ||
| It was all fucked up. | ||
| DBA septum? | ||
| Yeah, it was a mess. | ||
| And then from getting punched in the face, from wrestling and kickboxing and Taekwondo, just always getting hit in the fucking face. | ||
| I don't know how many times I got hit in the face. | ||
| So the inside of the nose was just a mess. | ||
| I had like one little baby channel. | ||
| They opened it up. | ||
| They cleaned it all out. | ||
| It was one of the best things I ever did. | ||
| It's amazing that you didn't even know what you were missing. | ||
| I was mouth breathing. | ||
| I was mouth breathing for a giant chunk of my life. | ||
| And I was trying to do like hardcore athletics. | ||
| I was trying to do martial arts. | ||
| And with a broken nose, a useless nose. | ||
| That was my nose. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| But now it's like... | ||
| Now I can breathe. | ||
| When did you have the operation? | ||
| A couple years ago. | ||
| A few years ago. | ||
| It was so important to me that I made a little video. | ||
| So I knew you when you were breathing like that. | ||
| It probably got worse. | ||
| It got worse as time went on. | ||
| And I broke it again. | ||
| In like 2007, I broke it pretty bad. | ||
| It was pretty bloody and I got black eyes and shit. | ||
| From a head butt. | ||
| We collided in Jiu Jitsu class. | ||
| Jiu Jitsu is, you know, there's two things that happen to hurt you. | ||
| One, accidental collisions. | ||
| Like sometimes you'll be throwing up a knee for a triangle and you hit someone in the eye and it fucks their eye up. | ||
| That's happened to me. | ||
| I've done it accidentally. | ||
| It's just one of the things that happens. | ||
| And another thing that happens is sometimes... | ||
| People that are rolling right next to you collide in you, and you bonk heads and shit. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| I've had that happen, where you get hit pretty fucking hard. | ||
| I got suckered in a bar. | ||
| I was a doorman at a bar. | ||
| Me and Randall Cobb were the doorman. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And Joe, I don't fucking know anything. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| I don't know, 78, 77. Where? | ||
| In Philly, in a place called Doc Watson. | ||
| You and Randall Cobb. | ||
| Do you have a picture of you two together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| He was the North American heavyweight karate champion at the time. | ||
| Yeah, that's what a lot of people don't know. | ||
| He was a kickboxer. | ||
| Oh, he could kick over your head, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The first thing he showed me was his nose. | ||
| He had no cartilage in his nose. | ||
| Yeah, it was a mess. | ||
| Anyway, I got suckered by this guy and broke my nose. | ||
| And the worst thing was, it wasn't the pain. | ||
| It was the sound of them putting it back in place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, yeah. | |
| You know, like with the pliers they take. | ||
| Well, when I got my nose fixed, the boogers that came out were so horrendous that I saved them and I took pictures of them. | ||
| You want to look at it? | ||
| Would you look at it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want you to see. | |
| I want you to see. | ||
| Asteroids. | ||
| I'm just going to show it to you because you're not even going to believe it. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is when he had to clean it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| This is right after. | ||
| This is, I would have to blow snot out. | ||
| And I would use a water pick and throw it through my nose to clean my nose out. | ||
| It's pretty deep. | ||
| It's pretty intense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Is that like a saline solution? | ||
| Wait, you ain't seen shit, son. | ||
| Wait till you see these boogers I'm going to pull out. | ||
| If you email me, I can show the audience. | ||
| Okay, let me find the really good ones because they're so ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, here we go. | |
| But, you know, what was happening was that my body was, you know, making these clots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, jeez. | |
| You're throwing up from your nose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've got to find them. | ||
| I don't know where they are, though, unfortunately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're probably deep in this iPhoto. | |
| Well, give us a good excuse to get together again. | ||
| I need to. | ||
| Oh, here's a picture of it. | ||
| Here's a still from it. | ||
| You got one of my boogers? | ||
| Yeah, hold on. | ||
| Let me, uh... | ||
| They were so ridiculous, I think I put them on Twitter. | ||
| Did I put them on Twitter? | ||
| It's at the beginning of this video. | ||
| I definitely put him... | ||
| See, there it is. | ||
| That thing in the middle. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's the clot. | ||
| That's actually the clot the doctor pulled out of my nose. | ||
| There's some shit I showed. | ||
| I showed Tommy Segura at the airport, and he almost threw up. | ||
| I got him real close to throwing up. | ||
| He had to turn away. | ||
| He had to hold his mouth. | ||
| It was pretty badass. | ||
| I think I'm closing in on it here, Dom. | ||
| I think that was the first time I met Tom Segura. | ||
| It was that weekend right after he had that operation. | ||
| There's certain shit that, you know, if you can get it fixed, man, if you have a deviated septum and you get it fixed, your life will change. | ||
| You will have an easier life. | ||
| Like, it's hard. | ||
| When you only can breathe out of your fucking mouth, that sucks. | ||
| You can get sleep apnea. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| I just found it. | ||
| Is it 100% though? | ||
| I mean, could you go back right now and have them fix it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the size of that. | |
| Look at the size of that goddamn thing. | ||
| Looks like a date. | ||
| Looks like a jewel. | ||
| Email it to me. | ||
| That's disturbing. | ||
| So do you think you could go back and they could actually fix it up even more? | ||
| No, no, it's clean now. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| Yeah, now it's 100%. | ||
| But there's different colors in it. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| It shouldn't even be real. | ||
| There's something beautiful about it. | ||
| Yeah, it's disgusting. | ||
| And yet hot. | ||
| You can reduce the message. | ||
| I don't want to reduce it. | ||
| Actual size, bitch. | ||
| Actual size, that shit. | ||
| Why are you trying to save gigabytes? | ||
| Why are you trying to be like that, motherfucker? | ||
| I sent the photo of the booger. | ||
| Not even the best photo of it. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| It doesn't even look real. | ||
| It doesn't look like it could come out of your nose. | ||
| And it came out in one giant, really super satisfying hunk. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| There's another photo of it. | ||
| That's a close-up. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It looks like crystal or something. | ||
| That came out of my nose in one hunk. | ||
| Gross. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| For me, that shit was sweet relief. | ||
| For me, I know you're looking at it and you go, Joe, I don't want to see your snot. | ||
| Then why are you looking, bitch? | ||
| We told you what we were going to do. | ||
| Listen, I'm feeling bad that I'm showing these people this and that they're going to get sick, Brian. | ||
| Let's kill it. | ||
| Kill it. | ||
| I think we made our point. | ||
| But for me, man, that represents freedom. | ||
| That's my shackles. | ||
| You're quite the host. | ||
| I feel fantastic. | ||
| I breathe out of my nose. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| You look good as well. | ||
| Thanks, Joe. | ||
| I feel good. | ||
| I'm doing a lot of stretching now. | ||
| Are you updating your Twitter? | ||
| Have you been getting on Twitter? | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| When was the last time you got on Twitter? | ||
| What's my Twitter? | ||
| It's Dom Irary, you fella. | ||
| Don Marrera? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not at Don Marrera? | ||
| It says at Don Marrera, yeah. | ||
| Oh, at Don Marrera. | ||
| Everything's at something. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| We were just saying the other day about how, remember when people used to use the at as if it's them and the third person is going to the movies right now? | ||
| Right. | ||
| People tried that for a while, right? | ||
| Remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It got too pretentious, though. | ||
| Do you tweet a lot? | ||
| Yeah, I tweet all the time. | ||
| You know what's the best thing about Twitter? | ||
| I gotta get into a habit of it. | ||
| It's fun, really. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| If you're interested, Dom Herrera, the two R's are in the first position. | ||
| It's D-O-M-I-R-R-E-R-A. I, even myself, have fucked up upon occasion and made it I-R-E-R-R-A, like Carrera. | ||
| Right, I have a friend, I worked a club, and they misspelled it. | ||
| I don't even know if that's how a career is. | ||
| They misspelled it at the club you worked at? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some motherfuckers? | ||
| Captain Brian's, Off the Hook. | ||
| Jesus Christ, where's that place? | ||
| Off the Hook, Marco Island. | ||
| It's dead to me! | ||
| No, it's a great place, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Is it? | ||
| Marco Island? | ||
| Oh, fuck, beautiful. | ||
| Florida's fucking crazy, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Florida's crazy on a totally different level. | ||
| That's not the rest of the country. | ||
| Florida is... | ||
| I love it, and I love that improv in Hollywood. | ||
| Hollywood, Florida. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a great place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The Indian Casino? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hard Rock? | ||
| You know what they're telling me, Joe? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Make sure you don't say anything about the Seminoles, anything bad. | ||
| I go, like, I got 15 minutes on the Seminole Indians. | ||
| They actually said that to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| So, of course, I went up and said nothing but good things about them. | ||
| You know, just because somebody's going to tell me what to say. | ||
| I go, I got to say something. | ||
| Of all the tribes, the Seminole are my favorite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm not a big fan of the Apache, the Arapahoe, go fuck them. | ||
| I love the Seminole people. | ||
| So what could they say? | ||
| The Seminoles sponsor a bunch of professional pool matches. | ||
| Oh, do they? | ||
| Yeah, they used to have a whole tour. | ||
| The Seminole Indians used to... | ||
| Seminole tribe, rather, used to be... | ||
| I don't know if you're allowed to call... | ||
| Are you supposed to call them Indians? | ||
| Why would you call them Indians? | ||
| Native Americans. | ||
| Yeah, it's natives. | ||
| Or collards. | ||
| The idea that we called them Indians deep into the 20th century is really pretty fucking crazy. | ||
| Where did Indian come from? | ||
| Columbus. | ||
| Oh, he thought he was going to India. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| These fucking assholes. | ||
| They just would get in the ocean. | ||
| Oh, we're in India. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| They saw these little brown people. | ||
| These are Indians! | ||
| Like, they had no idea they were in the Bahamas. | ||
| Like, the whole thing is preposterous. | ||
| It's really funny when you stop and think about that they still celebrate Columbus Day. | ||
| First of all, Columbus never even came here. | ||
| Watch it. | ||
| You know, and second of all, have you ever read some of the shit that Columbus did? | ||
| Lee Ferguson, right? | ||
| Was it Lee Ferguson? | ||
| No, he was the Viking. | ||
| No, but he was the first one here. | ||
| Wasn't he here? | ||
| Well, no, not even. | ||
| Eric the Red? | ||
| No, they've actually found, the really crazy thing is the oldest body that they've found in North America was Chinese. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| The Chinese were everywhere. | ||
| Well, they don't know. | ||
| They're still trying to figure out when people got in ships and traveled all over the world. | ||
| By the way, we are going to do a podcast with John Anthony West speaking of this because this is a fucking fascinating topic. | ||
| I've been exchanging email. | ||
| I owe him an email, but he wants to do it. | ||
| We're probably going to have to do it on Skype. | ||
| It may be the first time we ever do one on Skype. | ||
| But it's worth doing it for this guy. | ||
| John Anthony West, if you don't know, is the guy who's like the main Egyptologist who's out there trying to predate the Egyptian empire. | ||
| And he says that it's like there's many empires. | ||
| It's not just like one. | ||
| And he goes back thousands and thousands of years earlier. | ||
| And he has geologists on his side. | ||
| It's really interesting because all these different academics are fighting it tooth and nail because it makes everything they've been teaching everybody in school bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Because it's off by thousands of years. | ||
| They've dated the enclosure of the Sphinx. | ||
| There's these huge fissure marks that are in the walls of these stones. | ||
| And what they come from, every geologist agrees on this, is thousands of years of rainfall. | ||
| These are clearly like the way water erodes things. | ||
| Do you think the aliens built the pyramids? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I think the Egyptian civilization was most likely as advanced, if not more advanced, than we are today, but in a different direction. | ||
| They became advanced with a language like hieroglyphics, with incredible mathematics that were allowing them to make these geometric structures. | ||
| However the fuck they figured out how to do it. | ||
| There's a lot of speculation. | ||
| But to pretend that the Great Pyramid of Giza is not an astronomically incredibly amazing fucking accomplishment is great. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's one of the greatest accomplishments of human engineering of all time. | ||
| And no one even knows when it was made. | ||
| The guess is 2500 BC and it's based on like carbon samples and shit they found at the area. | ||
| But they're not completely sure about that. | ||
| There's a lot of weird speculation. | ||
| And the Sphinx? | ||
| The Sphinx with all the deep water erosion around the enclosure? | ||
| What they're saying is that if that was thousands of years of rainfall, then the last time there was heavy rainfall in the Nile Valley was something crazy like 9000 B.C. So instead of being 2500 BC like they thought it was, it was like thousands of years older still than we are to them. | ||
| It's raining again. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Well, there used to be a jungle. | ||
| It used to be a rainforest. | ||
| The Nile Valley used to be like a rainforest. | ||
| It was raining constantly. | ||
| And then slowly it became a desert. | ||
| And the last time there was like heavy rainfall, it was like 9000 BC. It's fucking nuts. | ||
| And this area, this cutout area, shows thousands of years of rainfall. | ||
| And the Egyptologists don't want to address it. | ||
| They look at it and it's freaking them out. | ||
| Because it's pretty obvious. | ||
| And there's no getting around it. | ||
| If it is rainfall, the whole thing's got to be thrown out. | ||
| And it's the only physical thing they have to show that there was something that existed that long ago. | ||
| And that's why they resist it. | ||
| Like the scholars are like, you know, where's the evidence of this civilization that would have existed 10,000 plus years ago? | ||
| There is no evidence. | ||
| And what they're saying is, or guys like this John Anthony West is saying, is there wouldn't really be much. | ||
| There's like this stuff. | ||
| There's like, I mean, 10,000 years is an insane amount of time. | ||
| 10,000 B.C.? Think about how long ago 12,000 fucking years is. | ||
| Think of how crazy that is. | ||
| Well, Christ was only 2,000-something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, supposedly. | ||
| Do you think Christ was real? | ||
| Do you think Christ was a real guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think so, for sure? | ||
| Well, I don't know why they would make it up. | ||
| I'm not saying he's God or anything. | ||
| What about Santa Claus? | ||
| Santa Claus, for sure. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And you know what's amazing about him? | ||
| No matter how many people there are, he takes care of everybody. | ||
| If you're good, you leave a cookie out. | ||
| You know what's funny about that? | ||
| We're talking about these phrases come down in history. | ||
| I was staying at a hotel in Rochester, and for some reason they didn't register my name. | ||
| And so this friend of mine finally gets through, and she goes, what are you, fucking King Tut? | ||
| And I'm thinking, isn't that interesting that King Tut came down? | ||
| You're talking about Egypt. | ||
| Like this kid who died thousands of years ago, he's still a reference for like a wise-ass remark. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, it is pretty ridiculous. | ||
| You king-fucking-tut in common? | ||
| You know, he had a lopsided head. | ||
| Yeah, he had a crazy, fucked-up, elongated head. | ||
| Who knows that but you? | ||
| Well, you ever seen images of him? | ||
| What are found of esoteric knowledge? | ||
| Him and his family, there were some weird physical characteristics to his family that a lot of the crazy conspiracy theorists guys really latch onto because it's like, look at his head, he's clearly an alien! | ||
| You know, because he had like kind of a weird shaped head, you know? | ||
| No normal person has a head like that. | ||
| What a bad motherfucker he is, though, that we're talking about him still. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How old was he when he died? | ||
| He was a kid, right? | ||
| He was a kid, yeah. | ||
| And I think he was murdered, wasn't he? | ||
| Wasn't he murdered? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| He went into a bad neighborhood in Cairo. | ||
| They probably killed people all day back then. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The idea that John Anthony West is promoting is that the idea of a lot of these... | ||
| There's a lot of guys that are getting on this notion, this possibility of ancient civilizations that were wiped out by disasters. | ||
| Once we see shit like the tsunami and we see things like what Hurricane Katrina can do... | ||
| And we go, well, these aren't even like the biggest storms or the biggest events in history. | ||
| What the fuck must have been like with something like this times 10 hit 10,000 years ago? | ||
| It might wipe out most of us, you know? | ||
| And they think that that has probably happened several times to people. | ||
| And that civilization would reach a great height and then something would happen. | ||
| And by the way, this coincides with two things. | ||
| One, the end of the Ice Age, which happened fairly abruptly, which might have been caused by some sort of an event. | ||
| Like an asteroid? | ||
| Like an asteroid. | ||
| And evidence of asteroid impact somewhere around that long ago. | ||
| I think 10,500 plus years ago is the estimation of when this asteroid hit. | ||
| They're not completely exact on the date, I think, but they're all similar. | ||
| And so there's evidence also that we've been pelted numerous times with asteroids. | ||
| Like once they started taking satellite photos. | ||
| I would think they would hit us all the time with all the randomness of space. | ||
| Well, they get chewed up by our atmosphere for the most part, but some of them don't, man. | ||
| The really big ones don't. | ||
| And there's been several extinction events in the lifetime of the Earth, more than three, and at least two of them that involve giant impacts. | ||
| Two of them are just big fucking volcano-sized explosion asteroids of five miles wide slamming into the earth and lava shoots up into the fucking sky and blankets have to... | ||
| That causes an ice age. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I was reading a Fred Flintstone book about a lot of that stuff. | ||
| Fucking imagine. | ||
| Fred Flintstone wrote books? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Could you imagine what it must have been like living back, you know... | ||
| In the bedrock years? | ||
| In the caveman years when there was just grunt and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No TV. Just trying to follow around the herd of buffalo that know you're trying to kill them. | ||
| So they always want to move by night. | ||
| So you got to get up in the middle of the night. | ||
| The buffalo are moving. | ||
| We got to follow them. | ||
| Follow after them. | ||
| Your baby gets killed by tigers. | ||
| Jaguars jack your whole fucking family. | ||
| Pulling women by the hair sounds pretty cool. | ||
| Do you think they did that? | ||
| They clubbed them over the head, dragging them? | ||
| Isn't it funny that that image of the caveman is like the predominant image? | ||
| Caveman clubbing the chick over the head, dragging her by her hair. | ||
| That's the predominant image of what is a caveman doing. | ||
| First of all, he's always got to club. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Caveman's always had clubs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they always had a bear skin. | ||
| Some sort of animal skin. | ||
| That was like a Saturday night date. | ||
| She was waiting for him. | ||
| Where the fuck is Harry? | ||
| Why is it? | ||
| But who invented the clubber over the head and drag her by her hair? | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it was King Tut. | ||
| But it's an amazing... | ||
| I mean, isn't it like that's the symbol we all see? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| How the fuck did that happen? | ||
| Club her over the head and drag her by the hair. | ||
| How many times have you heard that expression when it comes to cavemen? | ||
| It's super common. | ||
| Like, what, is it a caveman? | ||
| Who thinks every girl you meet is going to club her over the head and drag her by her hair? | ||
| Is that so common? | ||
| Did, like, Looney Tunes invent that, maybe? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I wonder who came up with it. | ||
| But it stuck, culturally. | ||
| Like, all throughout my life, I remember that. | ||
| The images of... | ||
| Clubbing a girl over the head, dragging her by her hand. | ||
| I never knew that there weren't cavemen and dinosaurs together, because we always put them together. | ||
| Well, if you hung out with Sarah Palin, you would know that that's not factually correct. | ||
| As a matter of fact, there was a schoolteacher from Alaska that says that Sarah Palin said that the Earth is less than 10,000 years old, and that dinosaurs and men did live together, but mainstream science is trying to keep that from you, and that there's images on the Internet of dinosaurs with a human footprint inside of it. | ||
| Dinosaur footprint? | ||
| I wonder if it's true. | ||
| It could be just some hater bitch from Alaska, you know, who's the local librarian. | ||
| Maybe she's a cunt, you know, and maybe Sarah Palin blew her husband or something, you know? | ||
| Not that she would do that. | ||
| Would you do Sarah Palin? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| It depends on where I was. | ||
| Where I was in my life. | ||
| In the butt? | ||
| No. | ||
| Where I was. | ||
| You see, he lays back. | ||
| Maybe it takes him two hours. | ||
| The kid gets warmed up. | ||
| He gets crazy. | ||
| He lets loose. | ||
| Shenanigans ensue. | ||
| I'm doing Adam Carolla's podcast later if you can't get enough of me. | ||
| Tune in on that. | ||
| Did you get that email that said who's coming here next Wednesday? | ||
| Yeah, Bobcat Goldwyn. | ||
| Fuck, yeah. | ||
| Well, don't do that in front of him, you fuck. | ||
| And he wants to forget those days. | ||
| And apparently he has an awesome movie. | ||
| Do you know about this movie? | ||
| Anthony was talking all about it on Opie. | ||
| And Anthony, the name is called God Bless America. | ||
| You want to see a trailer? | ||
| I got a trailer. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I do want to see it. | ||
| Pull that shit up. | ||
| Bobcat's one of those guys that's so mild-mannered before he goes on stage. | ||
| And then goes on stage and goes crazy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never knew him as a comic. | ||
| The first time I ever met him, he was directing The Chappelle Show. | ||
| And I was with Dave. | ||
| We were in New York City. | ||
| And Dave was just walking down the street with a fake mustache on. | ||
| And he was giving out awards for the best New York boobs. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, it was ridiculous. | ||
| This was in the show? | ||
| Yeah, that was the first time I ever met Bobcat. | ||
| I ran into him on the street. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing, Dave? | ||
| He goes, hey, Joe Rogan, you want to help me out? | ||
| I go, I only got like a half an hour. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| So for a half an hour, I carried his box of New York boob ribbons, and he would go in, you got some great New York boobs. | ||
| We would give people like ribbons, and Bobcat was like directing the whole thing. | ||
| So that's the first time I met him. | ||
| Very nice guy, though. | ||
| I always liked him as a comic. | ||
| Here's the trailer, which is a Red Band trailer. | ||
| B-A-N-D? The most hilarious ringtone ever! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just text P-I-G... God, it's bad! | |
| God, it's bad! | ||
| We have a press that just gives them a free pass! | ||
| The boys were caught after setting the homeless man on fire. | ||
| Did you mother f***ing poop in my food? | ||
| What? | ||
| You bitch! | ||
| A tumor this size is very dangerous. | ||
| Do you have any family? | ||
| Oh, gotta take this. | ||
| My name is Chloe, I live in Virginia Beach, and everyone loves me because I'm so pretty. | ||
| I wanted an Escalade! | ||
| This is the biggest day of my life and you're up, daddy! | ||
| Hey Creepy, isn't the schoolgirl thing a little played out? | ||
| Don't move and don't make a sound. | ||
| If you want the car, just take it. | ||
| My parents got me the wrong one anyways. | ||
| Yeah, that's a fucking tragedy. | ||
| Did you just kill Chloe? | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| And that was a fantastic start. | ||
| But you know who else really riffs my cock off? | ||
| The Kardashians. | ||
| People who use rockstar as an adjective. | ||
| Women who call their tits the girls. | ||
| Anyone who wears crystals. | ||
| You're aiming at the bear, right? | ||
| This is the best day ever! | ||
| Frank, don't. | ||
| Let me. | ||
| I'm recording this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks for turning off your cell phone. | |
| You're welcome. | ||
| Why have a civilization if we no longer are interested in being civilized? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Hey buddy, what's wrong? | ||
| A lot of crazy people out there. | ||
| I only want to kill people who deserve to die. | ||
| We gonna do this or what? | ||
| I know it's not normal to want to kill, but I am no longer normal. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You really gotta take both those spots? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Sounds like an amazing movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's a scary movie. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| Looks very Pulp Fiction-y kind of again. | ||
| Like, you know, just badass, you know, kill, kill, kill kind of movie. | ||
| It looks pretty sweet. | ||
| Yeah, it's obviously got an anti-douchebag slant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is always nice. | ||
| That's really cool because he's a great director. | ||
| Didn't he do Windy City Heat? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, I don't know if he did that, but he did that clown movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Shakes the Clown. | ||
| Shakes the Clown, which is great. | ||
| I saw that in the movie theater. | ||
| Windy City Heat. | ||
| Yeah, was that the one where they faked the guy? | ||
| Don Barrera, or Don Barris, isn't it? | ||
| It's Don Barris and Jimmy Kimmel. | ||
| Jimmy Kimmel is one of the producers. | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| There's tons of people in that movie. | ||
| I can't watch that movie. | ||
| I've met that dude. | ||
| It's too tragic. | ||
| You meet someone who's crazy, who thinks they're actually famous. | ||
| Yeah, we're actually having a... | ||
| And he got an attitude. | ||
| That's what cracked me up about it. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He got an attitude once he made it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once he fake made it, yeah. | ||
| For people who don't know what we're talking about, Dom, explain the whole situation because it's really pretty fascinating for people who don't know the story behind it. | ||
| The best I remember is they fabricated this guy becoming a celebrity, gradually becoming a star, and he had a movie, and the whole thing was a mock. | ||
| On him. | ||
| And how else would I explain it, Joe? | ||
| He thinks it's real. | ||
| This guy named Perry thinks it's real. | ||
| He's kind of crazy and he thinks that he's... | ||
| He gets a star attitude. | ||
| Well, it's a weird thing because people are paying attention to him and he isn't a movie. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, what is that? | ||
| Yeah, so that's, yeah. | ||
| So he's so crazy and so not, he's tuned into a dimension that's like right next door to ours. | ||
| You ever met people that are like that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're not quite seeing things the way everybody else around us is seeing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and you've got to wonder, what does the world look like to them? | ||
| You know, how many times have you met a comic? | ||
| Okay, perfect example. | ||
| Oh, I know what you're going to say. | ||
| The open mic guys, they come off stage and they fucking ate dick and they hear phantom laughs. | ||
| They'll come off and go, I think that went pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty good set. | ||
| I killed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I've asked people. | ||
| You know, I've asked them. | ||
| Watching them just do silence. | ||
| Having silent performances. | ||
| Actually, Bobcat Goldwaite definitely directed Windy City Heat here on Amazon. | ||
| Oh, he directed that as well? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we're having this Friday because we're not having an Ice House show Friday. | ||
| We're having it Wednesday this week. | ||
| We're having the whole Ding Dong show, having a special podcast here so you can meet them. | ||
| And then they're going to talk about their podcast, which is the Big Three Podcast Network. | ||
| So we're going to have Don in the studio. | ||
| The Big Three Podcast Network? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The Big Three is Don Barris' podcast with all the characters from this movie, Scary Perry. | ||
| You gonna bring that guy here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When is this? | ||
| Friday at 10 o'clock. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You gonna deal with that guy? | ||
| Oh, I hang out with all those people all the time. | ||
| Do you want that Perry guy, like here, hanging out? | ||
| Oh, he's a normal. | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| He's just crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| But he's not gonna do anything bad or anything like that. | ||
| Plus, I just upped the insurance, and so it'd be fine. | ||
| No, he's not gonna buy. | ||
| No, he's not gonna buy. | ||
| No, he's not gonna be that, but it's gonna be a descent into madness. | ||
| If you haven't listened to our podcast, it's the most amazing soap opera of a podcast. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's very addicting. | ||
| When did this podcast get started? | ||
| It was for a while. | ||
| It used to be on Adam Carolla's network and stuff like that. | ||
| And now Don has a whole studio in his house. | ||
| Pretty much has a studio like this inside his house. | ||
| And it's great. | ||
| Neil leads. | ||
| You can't be beat. | ||
| The mattress guy that owns that mattress store right here. | ||
| A couple mattresses stores. | ||
| Big celebrity in LA. He's now one of the new sponsors. | ||
| And he's now, every Ding Dong show, he comes to the Ding Dong show and he's just crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It is insane. | ||
| That dude's nuts. | ||
| But it's hilarious, man. | ||
| I get uncomfortable talking to crazy people. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| Well, you can have that guy in the studio. | ||
| I would be freaking out. | ||
| I'd be like, I can't, this is not, I can't have a conversation while there's someone here that's not having the same conversation. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Someone here is in another room looking at the whole thing through plexiglass. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I can deal with those people in spurts. | ||
| Like, I'm not going to have the person over to my house, or I'm not going to, like, fucking start hanging out. | ||
| But you know those people, they almost have, like, a consciousness condom on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, they're not feeling everything that's happening. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| They're in a different reality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember that guy, Joe, late at night on the comedy? | ||
| He's still there. | ||
| I talked to him the other day. | ||
| He ran away. | ||
| He always liked me. | ||
| Me and him always used to get along. | ||
| He was a nice guy. | ||
| Don Behrens would always be mean to that dude. | ||
| I'm like, he's not a bad guy, man. | ||
| He's just kind of crazy, but he's pleasant to be around. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| He's not being mean to anybody. | ||
| He would walk from downtown. | ||
| He still does. | ||
| High as a kite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he high? | |
| No, not high, but I don't know. | ||
| I smoked weed with that dude. | ||
| Have you ever seen his web show that he did with Mary Jane and Don produced it? | ||
| It's a show for him. | ||
| It's kind of like this, but a podcast. | ||
| I'll show you a clip of it. | ||
| It'll blow your mind. | ||
| How long ago did they start doing this? | ||
| Like two years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They did like... | |
| Don Barris? | ||
| Don Barris helped film it. | ||
| But I thought him and Don Barris hated each other. | ||
| Oh, you know they all love each other. | ||
| Don takes care of so many people there. | ||
| He takes care of Robert William Abravia? | ||
| Well, you know, Mary Jane... | ||
| Wow, that's great, because for the longest time, remember he was calling him Hitler, and he would always see them and put his finger over his nose and say that they're Hitler? | ||
| Well, you've got to remember, Don Barris has been there so fucking long. | ||
| Don Barris has been there for a long time. | ||
| How long would you say, 20 years, maybe? | ||
| At least. | ||
| Always got along with Don Barris. | ||
| He's a fucking sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| I don't think in the 20 years that I've known that guy, or however long it's been, not quite 20 years, but... | ||
| However many years it's been in L.A., never, ever had an even unpleasant word with Don Barris. | ||
| He's a sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| Our relationship is very funny because Eddie Haskell's me. | ||
| Good evening, Mr. Herrera. | ||
| How are you doing? | ||
| You look great tonight. | ||
| That's a beautiful color for you. | ||
| It's always like some sort of an act, you know, always like put on a certain voice or fuck around with you. | ||
| Him and Brian Callan have some elaborate rape theme they do every time they see each other where Don Barris winds up raping Brian Callan. | ||
| It starts out, it always starts out the same way, it always ends the same way. | ||
| There's something about the store where people do stupid shit like that and keep it going forever. | ||
| Remember the thing they used to have with Eleanor? | ||
| We used to ask her about it. | ||
| You got changed for a dollar and she would go dig in her apron and start masturbating. | ||
| And we would do this. | ||
| This is a stupid fucking thing. | ||
| We would do literally once a week for years. | ||
| You and her used to get rough together though. | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| That girl's strong, too. | ||
| Remember when she was a pro wrestler? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We used to go see her. | ||
| Easy Rider? | ||
| Easy Rider, right. | ||
| We went to see her. | ||
| She was one of the waitresses. | ||
| And now she's a very funny comic. | ||
| Eleanor Kerrigan is her name. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| And we're so happy she's finally doing stand-up. | ||
| Because she was always one of the funniest people that would hang around at the store. | ||
| And she wasn't even a comic. | ||
| She was a waitress. | ||
| Well, we had a thing called the punch to the twat, where I would go to her, Ellie, I think you need it. | ||
| She goes, I think so too. | ||
| And I go, and I would hit her, and I would hit her, and she would act like it hurt, and she'd stagger around. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| And then she acted like she came. | ||
| She'd be like, oh, yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Ooh, what a relief. | ||
| Nothing like a good punch to the twat. | ||
| She's really committed to it. | ||
| She would start off in deep, deep pain, and then she would start coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then she would start coming after the initial impact of the punch. | ||
| In a way that only someone who really probably enjoys a good twat punch could deliver it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| She embodied that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She did. | |
| The idea of it. | ||
| But she was... | ||
| We would have a long... | ||
| I mean, we have this thing that was running at the Comedy Store for fucking years. | ||
| Where I'd go, do you have any... | ||
| Do you have any change? | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| And she would just start with asking me. | ||
| She'd like reach into her apron. | ||
| She'd be like... | ||
| And she would like completely commit. | ||
| Eyes closed, legs pinched together, toes, pigeon feet. | ||
| And you'd be like, I mean, I only need like a quarter. | ||
| If you just have one quarter, I'll give you a dollar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I'm going to get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It was so over the top. | ||
| And every time she would do it, she would try to top it. | ||
| Because, you know, we're doing the same goddamn gag over and over again for years. | ||
| So she would try to double it over. | ||
| But I remember the cunt punch. | ||
| I remember when you would cunt punch her. | ||
| And I think you stomped on the ground too, pro wrestling style, to make it seem like it was real. | ||
| Check this out, Joe. | ||
| The Robert Albert Show. | ||
| Robert William Acrobya. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Robert William Acrobya. | |
| Inviting you to join me for stand-up telling by the official comedian for the 1996 elections and a speech on the following subject. | ||
| The United States of America should re-legalize hemp. | ||
| And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Robert Acrobya. | ||
| That was Robert by the way. | ||
| Yeah, that's him. | ||
| There he goes. | ||
| He wears that same shirt everywhere he goes. | ||
| That same outfit. | ||
| It's green. | ||
| Yeah, and he keeps a paper plate that he carries around that's covered up with aluminum foil and stuff like that. | ||
| A paper plate covered up with aluminum foil? | ||
| Yeah, and he protects his head from lasers. | ||
| Remember, he used to always take this and block his head because he thinks people are shooting lasers at him when he walks into the comedy store. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Lasers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it, you know, I wonder if he was crazy always or if one day just reality just became too difficult. | ||
| Well, I've never seen him not crazy, so I wouldn't, I mean... | ||
| But isn't it weird that there's like shades of crazy? | ||
| And he's functioning. | ||
| Yeah, he's functioning. | ||
| How does he make a living? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he does get on stage at the store. | ||
| Still goes up. | ||
| Here's Don Barris is like at a store and Robert's walking behind us. | ||
| It's funny here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's just a bunch of... | |
| Don Barris is so crazy. | ||
| He's so awesome. | ||
| He's one of those guys that just... | ||
| Like I said about guys you're around, you automatically have a smile. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Guys that add. | ||
| There's Robert right here. | ||
| And wasn't he one of the original guys that was supposed to take over for the Letterman? | ||
| That's what he used to always talk about. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's that thing. | ||
| Oh, there's the aluminum store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I think, yeah, he was one of the guys who... | ||
| Is he cool with them doing this and putting this shit online and everything? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Oh, they're following him around and just filming him, dude. | ||
| This is probably not the best thing. | ||
| I wonder if they got his permission for this. | ||
| Is that Charles Fleischer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a guy. | ||
| I haven't seen it forever. | ||
| This is for the folks watching at home. | ||
| They're just following around a guy who has a slippery grip on reality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But a nice enough guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's really nice. | ||
| I always try to talk to him, but it's impossible now to talk to him. | ||
| Like, I even tried to give him a joint the other day, and he just ran away. | ||
| Isn't it interesting how the store just sort of, like, attracts those types of characters? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, we've talked about it so many times with that vortex of Hollywood, that whole area between the Rainbow Room and the Roxy and where the Viper Room is and all the way down to where the store is and even the Laugh Factory. | ||
| That area is so strange. | ||
| It's such a vortex of bizarre people. | ||
| The Viper Room especially is one of them. | ||
| You ever done stand-up there? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've seen a lot of music there. | ||
| And also the rainbow is like that 80s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tight pants, rocker look. | ||
| They won't let it go. | ||
| They found a spot. | ||
| They found a spot and they agreed to all go there. | ||
| Yeah, they found a spot where you know you're going to be able to see someone from that era is going to come by. | ||
| It reminds me of the Kennison days, that place. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| He used to talk about it. | ||
| It was on his HBO special. | ||
| He talked about the Rainbow Bar and Grill. | ||
| About meeting crazy girls over there that can't wait to meet you and blame their whole miserable, fucked up life on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He had some great tortured relationship shit. | ||
| Oh, he was funny. | ||
| One of the best, right? | ||
| When it comes to tortured relationship shit, I was married for two fucking years! | ||
| Talking about going and meeting the devil. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hell would be like Club Med! | ||
| Hell would be like Club Med. | ||
| He was a real game changer, that dude. | ||
| It's hard to change the game today. | ||
| Everybody's seen everything. | ||
| With the internet, the way it is now, it's amazing how much more educated people are today and how much more weird shit they've been exposed to. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to keep changing stuff. | ||
| I did a bit about how there's no place to go in comedy. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever seen this place. | ||
| We've been sacrilegious as you can be, as vulgar as you can be. | ||
| The only thing left to do is actually come on the crowd. | ||
| At the end of his act, his pants open up and he just started like a fucking machine gun. | ||
| People are running at you, but you can't help but turn and look back and you get it right in the eye. | ||
| I could imagine easily a culture where it would be okay if the performer came on the audience. | ||
| There's way worse shit out there. | ||
| There's way crazier shit out there that people are doing. | ||
| I mean, just even circumcision is pretty fucking nuts. | ||
| Cutting baby dicks. | ||
| You've been cutting baby dicks for thousands of years. | ||
| Hey, it's a living. | ||
| It's a living. | ||
| Remember that show? | ||
| No. | ||
| Some sitcom with some chick that was on, I think she was on Celebrity Rehab, one of the first ones. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| Here's George Jetson. | ||
| Here's Doyle Galroy. | ||
| Yeah, what year was the Jetsons supposed to be in? | ||
| The future, like 1980. Isn't it funny that when you go and look at shit that they thought was going to be... | ||
| It's a disappointment. | ||
| Do you know what Blade Runner was supposed to be taking place in? | ||
| No. | ||
| 2019. Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's a living. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember this at all. | |
| Wow, look at all these fake acting women. | ||
| Susan Sullivan. | ||
| Ooh, she's milfy. | ||
| Where are all these women now? | ||
| Oh, don't even bring it up. | ||
| Oh, I bet she's hot. | ||
| I bet she's still hot. | ||
| She's got a lot of milfy shit going on. | ||
| That's milfy. | ||
| I hope she works out. | ||
| She's pretty. | ||
| Somebody put a Photoshop together with what all these girls look like now. | ||
| And Jillian, I know her. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I did a roast with Mike Ditka. | ||
| She was on it. | ||
| Is that guy a comic? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's weird sitcoms from the 70s. | ||
| The Wacky Chef. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's dead. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| I've never seen this show before. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| No, me neither. | ||
| Isn't it crazy just going back in time? | ||
| What year was that, Brian? | ||
| That's Danny Thomas' son. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| What year was that, that It's a Living was on the air? | ||
| Joe, I never saw that show. | ||
| I don't know why I remembered it. | ||
| Not only that, you remember the theme. | ||
| It's like 1980s is always. | ||
| 1980s. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Early 80s. | ||
| I remember that show. | ||
| I think I was in high school. | ||
| It was on the air. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| It's amazing how much culture has evolved from that to... | ||
| What's Larry David's show? | ||
| Curb Your Enthusiasm. | ||
| Curb Your Enthusiasm. | ||
| Think of that. | ||
| Think of the difference between that show, how complex and hilarious and how... | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Brilliant and multi-layered and faceted is where it just gets twisted up into things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You know, where, you know, I mean, he, remember when he had a water bottle in his pants and the girl came in the bathroom? | ||
| I mean, he's just... | ||
| Oh, he's unbelievable. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Well, they used to say that, like, a friend of mine worked for both the, Everybody Loves Raymond and Seinfeld. | ||
| And he said to me, Raymond was so simple because it was an A-plot. | ||
| The whole show was an A-plot, sometimes a B. Seinfeld was A, B, C, D. And they'd throw everything. | ||
| The guy would hit the golf ball, goes in the whale's blowhole, and Jason Alexander lies about being a marine biologist. | ||
| Marine biologists, everything, the way everything fit together, in 22 minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Clean! | ||
| And they had to work clean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a brilliant, brilliant show. | ||
| And, you know, if you look at, like, those old Father Knows Best, it's almost like a different species of thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, people were so stupid. | ||
| Like, how could you have this show on the air? | ||
| You realize how naive culture was just in the 1950s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| The only one that holds up to me and makes me laugh still is Andy of Mayberry. | ||
| But just listen to what you said about the Twilight Zone. | ||
| That holds up. | ||
| That story holds up. | ||
| They wake up and they realize they were actually getting further away from the sun. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's a creepy fucking show. | ||
| Twilight Zone was amazing. | ||
| Remember To Serve Man? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The aliens came. | ||
| It was a cookbook. | ||
| It was a cookbook. | ||
| It's a cookbook! | ||
| Well, if you think about the way we treat dolphins and the way we treat killer whales, I would think that if aliens came here, they might either fuck us or eat us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very possible, right? | ||
| If they're way smarter than us. | ||
| If they look at us, we're so stupid. | ||
| We're still using nuclear power and assholes are polluting everything. | ||
| You don't give a fuck. | ||
| They'd eat us. | ||
| That's why I have a poor diet. | ||
| I don't want to be delicious. | ||
| Well, you really think about it. | ||
| Your diet probably makes you delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you're right. | |
| It's all fat. | ||
| Yeah, like a Wagyu steak. | ||
| Like when they get that Kobe beef. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they feed it liquor and they massage it. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's just like me. | ||
| That's a day in the life on the road. | ||
| Get a nice deep tissue before the show. | ||
| Loosen up. | ||
| You mind if I drink while you rub my back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you ever get a deep tissue massage? | ||
| No, I'm not a big massage guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not even at the Rub and Tug kind of massages? | ||
| I used to. | ||
| Do you have any fetishes? | ||
| Those are hard to find, right? | ||
| Fetishes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like do you dress up in diapers or do anything weird like that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Diapers? | ||
| Brian. | ||
| I think the funniest fetish I ever heard, I don't know if it's true, was Elton John. | ||
| He liked to run across the room naked, and guys would throw oranges at him, at his ass. | ||
| That was his thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| But that's like Rod Stewart supposedly had to get his stomach pumped because there was like a quart and a half a comer. | ||
| Yeah, he blew his soccer team. | ||
| Hey guys, in lieu of pay, I'd like to blow all of you. | ||
| The best rumor of all time, though, the king of the rumors, is the rigid-geared gerbil up the ass rumor. | ||
| That's the Mike Tyson of 1985. How do you deny it? | ||
| I never had a gerbil up my ass. | ||
| I think Scientology might have done it to him. | ||
| I think he had been involved. | ||
| You think they really put a gerbil up his ass? | ||
| No, they probably spread the rumor. | ||
| How the fuck did that rumor get? | ||
| Eddie Bravo grew up here in LA. I grew up in Boston, and we both heard that rumor. | ||
| Who's the first guy that thought, I'm going to put an animal in my ass? | ||
| I think people are nuts. | ||
| They put all kinds of things in their ass. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| An animal? | ||
| A live animal? | ||
| How fucking terrifying. | ||
| There's always someone looking to take it to the next level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nipping? | |
| They found a guy who was drunk driving. | ||
| He had a zebra in his car. | ||
| A zebra and a giraffe or some shit like that. | ||
| I just tweeted it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you think you've seen everything? | ||
| You think, well, I've pretty much figured out what people are capable of and what they're not capable of. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Let me read this to you. | ||
| Because it is the most ridiculous shit. | ||
| We had on Sam Tripoli's naughty show last night a woman that was a bondage mistress. | ||
| And she had her own personal slave. | ||
| And it was so weird. | ||
| It was like Pulp Fiction. | ||
| We're like, bring out the gimp. | ||
| And this girl just, like a month at a time, would just live with this woman and her boyfriend who was the guy from NoFX. | ||
| People are so crazy, man. | ||
| Didn't they just be like, alright, you want to see us beat her? | ||
| And so she's like wailing on this girl with these whips and stuff. | ||
| By the way, the guy had a zebra and a parrot in the front seat of his truck. | ||
| Sounds like a joke. | ||
| And he got arrested in Dubuque, Iowa, driving drunk with a zebra and a parrot. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck... | ||
| How can he put a zebra in? | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I'm looking at it here. | ||
| It's a little zebra, obviously. | ||
| It's not a big zebra, but it's a fucking zebra. | ||
| This asshole's driving around with a zebra like it's his Jack Russell terrier. | ||
| Hey, you guys want to go for a ride? | ||
| He's going to train a zebra. | ||
| Isn't it amazing that you could just, there's some animals like zebras you could just buy? | ||
| You could just figure out a way to buy it? | ||
| How the fuck can you just buy a zebra, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Craigslist. | |
| You can buy a fucking tank in this country if you have enough money. | ||
| Wow, they have a little zebra, man. | ||
| I'm looking at this. | ||
| Man arrested for OWI with zebra parrot in front seat of truck. | ||
| Just Google that. | ||
| And then there's a video, and he's got a parrot, or the lady has a parrot sitting on her shoulder, and there's a guy, he's just a fucking crazy old cracker, and he has a pet zebra. | ||
| Oh, wow, look at this. | ||
| Look at what I just found. | ||
| Wow, looking at this. | ||
| What? | ||
| Breeder of miniature donkeys, giant grant zebras. | ||
| What? | ||
| You could buy zebras? | ||
| Let's see what's for sale right now. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| You could buy a zebra. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Fucking buy a zebra, dude. | ||
| Dude, look at it. | ||
| How about a Z donkey? | ||
| It's only $3,000. | ||
| What's a zedonky? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Scroll up. | ||
| That's half zebra, half donkey, son. | ||
| A zedonk! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is! | |
| Oh my god! | ||
| I was joking around! | ||
| That's what it's called! | ||
| A zedonk! | ||
| A jasmine, a zedonk! | ||
| When I said zedonky, I was joking! | ||
| Dude, you need to get a zedonky. | ||
| There's a half donkey, half zebra. | ||
| That's insane! | ||
| A giant zebra, $5,000. | ||
| You have your own zebra for $5,000. | ||
| The fuck would I do with a zebra, man? | ||
| Get one, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look! | |
| More zedonks! | ||
| I want to watch the videos of a zebra. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that, an alpaca? | |
| Fucking that donkey. | ||
| I wonder if the zebra fucked the donkey or the donkey fucked the zebra. | ||
| I would imagine the zebra did the fucking. | ||
| Look at this little Applejack. | ||
| I think your beaters are wild. | ||
| I think you're being presumptuous, Joe. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Applejack. | ||
| We're looking at something that says spotted miniature donkey jack. | ||
| Oh my god, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| I gotta be at Adam Carolla's place in half an hour. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The end. | ||
| Dom Herrera, you're the fucking king, as always. | ||
| Those are always fun, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It couldn't have been more fun. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Anytime you want to do it again, we keep doing it. | ||
| We do it constantly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| We'll never stop, Dom Herrera. | ||
| I'll be back after Ireland. | ||
| You are officially in the Death Squad now. | ||
| Are you comfortable with that? | ||
| I'm very comfortable. | ||
| Death Squad, Dom Herrera? | ||
| Thank you, boys. | ||
| Can we agree? | ||
| We'll have a meeting. | ||
| We'll cut thumbs. | ||
| June 30th, Tropicana, if I can. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Please. | ||
| June 30th. | ||
| Go see the great Don Marrera. | ||
| One of the funniest comics of all time. | ||
| That's even in Comedy Central. | ||
| Ditto, my friend. | ||
| Comedy Central even says that. | ||
| Number 79. You fucking savage. | ||
| Better than Slayton who was 78. Oh, Slayton! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Suck it! | |
| Suck it, Bobby! | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link for The Fleshlight. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN. Save yourself some money so I'm 15% off. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Thanks also to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, which I take before I work out, which keeps me so yoked. | ||
| Shroom Tech Immune, pumps up your immune system, and New Mood, which is a 5-HTP. It's all explained on Onnit.com. | ||
| It's fabulous. | ||
| It's wonderful. | ||
| And we've got kettlebells coming out very soon. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T.com. | ||
| Talk to you freaks soon. | ||
| Oh, next, what do we got tomorrow? | ||
| We have Joey Coco Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz is tomorrow. | ||
| At 1 o'clock, I believe. | ||
| And then we got Burt Kreischer. | ||
| What time is Burt Kreischer? | ||
| Burt Kreischer is on Thursday. | ||
| Cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweet. | |
| Isn't that what I said? | ||
| I didn't know about Burt Kreischer. | ||
| I shouldn't be taking care of this. | ||
| I'm too fucking scatterbrained to be... | ||
| I made a tweet about it. | ||
| Let me read my own tweet so I'll know who's on a podcast this week. | ||
| I want to get one of these little zebra cherry darts. | ||
| You don't want to have a fucking zebra wandering around your household, dude. | ||
| What about this little horse thing? | ||
| What was it called again? | ||
| A cherry dart? | ||
| Yeah, bird crashers on Thursday, yes. | ||
| I just wanted to confirm, because I know we tried to do another day, but he couldn't make it. | ||
| And then next week, we've got Shane Smith coming up, Bass Nectar. | ||
| We've got a lot of shit coming up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bobcat! | |
| Bobcat Goldthwait next Wednesday. | ||
| So next Wednesday, that's a hot three right there, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Bass Nectar. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| We're going to have a good time. | ||
| And Shane Smith will return and tell us some more fucking crazy stories about wherever that guy's been all over the world. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| You've got to get Anthony Bourdain on the show and talk about Olive Garden. | ||
| Bro, Olive Garden sucks. | ||
| You've got to shut it up. | ||
| He's going to stab you. | ||
| Anthony Bourdain's going to stab you. | ||
| I'll see you guys tomorrow. | ||
| Early. | ||
| It'll be 1 o'clock for Joey Diaz. | ||
| Later, bye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Later. |
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