May 11, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:34:10
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Do you hear that lighter, bitches? | ||
| It's Andrew Dice Clay in the background, alright? | ||
| Respect. | ||
| And it's also a loophole, Joe. | ||
| It's a loophole, Brian? | ||
| Yeah, because that means I can also use a lighter, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah, you can loophole it. | ||
| You can smoke while Dice is here. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Normally, I forbid him from smoking. | ||
| But look at his lighter, and look at my lighter. | ||
| Your lighter's a man's lighter. | ||
| That's a Zippo. | ||
| That's how you do it. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| That's legit. | ||
| That's like some HBO special type shit. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit, makers of Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, all different nootropics. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| If you're interested in it, don't just go buying stuff. | ||
| And if you're interested in nutrition, you should really look into multivitamins and look into eating a clean diet and keeping your body healthy. | ||
| But if you want to keep your dome healthy, nootropics are the way to go. | ||
| There's a couple different supplements that I like that I don't even sell. | ||
| There's a thing called Neuro One that this guy, Bill Romanowski, who's a pro football player, he puts out. | ||
| And that's how I got into nootropics in the first place. | ||
| So I always give respect to Mr. Romanowski and his product. | ||
| And what AlphaBrain is, it's the best cognitive vitamins that you can buy, all meshed up together in a very potent form. | ||
| If you try it and you do not like it, the first 30 pills you buy You get 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| You don't even have to return the product. | ||
| Just say, this stuff sucks. | ||
| I just want my money back. | ||
| And we give it to you. | ||
| We're much more concerned with you not feeling being ripped off than we are with making money. | ||
| I want to make sure that if we're selling anything, it's the best shit we can sell. | ||
| And it's only shit that I use. | ||
| So check it out. | ||
| Go to onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T and enter in the code name Rogan and you'll save 10% off any and all orders. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew motherfucking Dice Clay is in the house. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| Cue the music, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have to do this. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| It's not official until the music begins. | ||
| I like the music. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Andrew Dice Clay and his son Max is here as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's happening? | |
| And Andrew, when I was a kid, man, when I was like 19 years old, I had this girlfriend, this hot, dirty little Latino girl that I dated for a while, and she fucking loved your comedy. | ||
| We would sit in my car and we would play your cassette and this chick would fucking howl. | ||
| She would cry and curl up in a ball. | ||
| And I remember being a teenager, a kid. | ||
| You know, sitting there listening to how fucking funny this stuff was and how dirty and different than anything there was ever... | ||
| You had broken a total new barrier for comedy to me when I was a kid. | ||
| There was never a comedian like you before that had this sort of really aggressive sort of attitude about it, and it was fun, and it was like you could repeat the shit with you. | ||
| It was a weird phenomenon, man. | ||
| So for me, to go from listening to your stuff, before I even got into an open mic, and then being able to hang out with you at the store and getting advice from you at the store, you were the first guy that ever told me to go on the road. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Because it was sort of driving me a little nuts with you. | ||
| Because you were a new guy at the store and, you know, you had a big career already. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what people listening to this know of your whole career, but you had a hit sitcom on at the time. | ||
| This is before Fear Factor. | ||
| It wasn't really a hit. | ||
| It was only a hit when it got off the air. | ||
| But it was on for, what, five years? | ||
| And I was like, why isn't this guy on the road? | ||
| Like, it would bother me. | ||
| I always liked... | ||
| You know, comics that were into their careers, and obviously you were. | ||
| And, you know, I saw you on stage doing your thing, and I'm like, why isn't this guy on the road? | ||
| I mean, that's what this is all about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and I saw that you loved, you know, after seeing like one three-hour set, You know, that you did? | ||
| I'm going, obviously he likes being up there, but why be up there for $25 for three hours when you could be on the road making all this money? | ||
| I remember the conversation. | ||
| It was out back. | ||
| It was out back near that wall. | ||
| And I was like, you've got to go on the road. | ||
| Now's that moment, you know? | ||
| And because even though, you know, I love what I do, I also think business-wise, and when I started out and when I saw How, you know, to me, how boring comics were. | ||
| You're not one of them, obviously. | ||
| You know, but no matter how funny they were, I would also get, like, bored with them after, like, five or six minutes because they knew nothing about performance. | ||
| And that's even how the whole dice thing started because I decided if I'm going to stay in comedy, my aim was never even comedy. | ||
| I couldn't give a fuck about comics or comedy. | ||
| I used the comedy stage because I wanted to get into acting. | ||
| And when I decided, okay, I'm going to do this, because I had a different act way before you knew me. | ||
| I would do like impressions of Travolta. | ||
| Yeah, and you used to close with the Diceman. | ||
| Yeah, no, what happened is my initial act was coming on stage as Jerry Lewis's nutty professor, you know, with the glasses and actually, ladies and gentlemen, and doing all that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I would take my magic potion and I would turn into John Travolta from Grease. | ||
| Because Travolta, at the time I started my act, was the biggest thing in the world. | ||
| Because he had Saturday Night Fever and he did Grease. | ||
| And when I saw Grease, me and Travolta could have been brothers back then when I was like 17. So when I saw Grease, I was like, if I could sing and dance like this guy, I could put together this act that just won't miss. | ||
| And so I went to a studio in Brooklyn, took the album from Grease, they took the lead vocal out of Grease Lightning, and I started doing this act. | ||
| I mean, the first time I went up in Pips in Brooklyn on audition night, you know, I came up as Jerry Lewis and it's a Brooklyn crowd. | ||
| You know, and I'm up there with a giant tuxedo shirt covering the leather and my pants are rolled up under the tuxedo shirt. | ||
| And I'm on stage going, actually, I'm a human pity, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And, you know, it's a Brooklyn audience and my whole family is there, you know. | ||
| And everybody's yelling, get the fuck off! | ||
| You fucking suck! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| Scumbag! | ||
| And now I take the magic potion and they shut the lights. | ||
| And they turn, like you did, the music on, which was my intro. | ||
| And I turn around as Travolta from Grease. | ||
| And the place went fucking insane. | ||
| And now I come up to the mic because it was like the potion could turn you into that kind of... | ||
| As Jerry Lewis, I would go, this potion, ladies and gentlemen, as they're throwing shit at me, can turn you into that kind of macho man or foxy woman or both. | ||
| You know, so I take the potion and I turn into Travolta. | ||
| They go nuts. | ||
| I come up to the mic and I go, so you thought it couldn't be done, right? | ||
| And they go crazy. | ||
| Now I do the Grease Lightning number. | ||
| So you're dancing and everything? | ||
| Oh, I do the whole thing. | ||
| Choreographed. | ||
| Is music playing? | ||
| Yeah, the whole Grease number with a dance in the middle that I had cut in between Fever and Grease. | ||
| And the place goes nuts. | ||
| And on the way out, the two owners, Marty and Seth Schultz, go, wait a minute, where are you going? | ||
| Because they wrecked the club. | ||
| They started throwing tables over. | ||
| Because I'm doing jokes as Travolta, like, so Mr. Carter says to me, he goes, Vinny, did you do your homework? | ||
| What? | ||
| You know, I was doing that whole Barbarino thing, you know. | ||
| So, he was so hot at the time, Travolta, and there was such a resemblance, and the impression was so dead on, they go, we want you to headline this weekend. | ||
| And they go, who's your manager? | ||
| And I go, and I look at my dad, I go, he is. | ||
| And they're going, well, it's only $50, but, you know, he gets the headline. | ||
| And I'm like, great! | ||
| We couldn't even fucking believe what happened. | ||
| So, when I came out to the comedy store, you know Mitchell Walters? | ||
| Yeah, I know he is. | ||
| Okay, so Mitchell Walters was a comedy store comic who's from Brooklyn. | ||
| So he was back in Brooklyn, like about four months into my career when he saw me on stage. | ||
| And he goes over to my father and he goes, he's got to come out to LA to do the comedy store. | ||
| And I'm like, you know, I wasn't even into comedy. | ||
| I couldn't care less, you know. | ||
| And he kept calling. | ||
| He goes, I spoke to Mitzi, the owner of the comedy store. | ||
| She's psyched for him to come out there. | ||
| So I come out and I do the act. | ||
| I do a 28-minute audition on, you know, the Monday night, whatever it was, where, you know, the emcee starts screaming at me when I come off stage. | ||
| This guy, what was his name? | ||
| Rob Aguayo. | ||
| And I'm looking at the guy and I go, are you the manager? | ||
| No, I go, are you the owner here? | ||
| And he goes, no. | ||
| And I go, then why are we even talking? | ||
| I go, I didn't come across the country to do three minutes. | ||
| And of course, Mitzi, I got the call, I was in. | ||
| How many times had you been on stage total at that point? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I was in the business for about six months, but from the night I went on stage at Pips, I never came off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because I was totally driven to become this humongous star, whether it's a movie star or get my own show. | ||
| And so when Mitzi met me, she goes, you're an absolute movie star. | ||
| You know, I had more hair back then. | ||
| But she goes, you're going to stay here and you'll hone your craft. | ||
| The whole thing, just like you know about. | ||
| And actually, I took that Travolta act all the way to Don Kirshner's rock concert. | ||
| And after Kirshner's rock concert, I was like, well, movie producers aren't going to buy me to be Jerry Lewis or John Travolta. | ||
| I've got to be myself on stage. | ||
| And that's where the whole Dice type of character started. | ||
| And when Mitzi saw it for the first time, it was so great. | ||
| She goes... | ||
| It's never going to work. | ||
| She goes, it's too tough. | ||
| It's angry. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| So I told her, just keep me at the Westwood Comedy Store. | ||
| I go, don't worry about it. | ||
| And when she said that, I knew how wrong she was. | ||
| And I just went to work. | ||
| You know, Westwood was where she would put all the newer guys like myself and Kennison and, you know, Roseanne, people like that that were new. | ||
| Like the Sunset Store. | ||
| What part of town was that? | ||
| That was in Westwood. | ||
| Right on Westwood Boulevard. | ||
| And, um, that's where I got to see, like, this first, uh, this guy stabbed a guy in the alley there that had to stop a knife fight. | ||
| Oh, it was nuts! | ||
| This guy's just stabbing a guy. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Like this, and I'm going, what the- I had to run into the comedy store and get a stool to hit him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, because I'm not going to get stabbed, but I wanted to save the guy without the knife, you know? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And so I stayed at Westwood and I developed the character. | ||
| And, you know, the rest became history because what I was trying... | ||
| I'm going the long way, but when I would see the comics, that was my whole point, on stage, whether it was Leno or Richard Lewis, these were the cleaner guys, but they would bore me after five or six minutes. | ||
| I'd go, they're funny, but... | ||
| They're boring. | ||
| They don't perform it. | ||
| There's no danger in it. | ||
| Well, I decided I'm going to become the most exciting stand-up ever in history. | ||
| If I'm going to do this, I want to give people something they never saw with a comedian. | ||
| And growing up, like I said, I didn't really study comics. | ||
| I studied big personalities, whether it be Elvis, whether it was Muhammad Ali. | ||
| In movies, it was everybody from Stallone to Travolta. | ||
| To when I was a kid, James Dean and Brando. | ||
| And I said, give him that. | ||
| I'm from Brooklyn. | ||
| Give him that because producers will buy that for films. | ||
| And that's how the acting stuff started. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And through the years, I developed it. | ||
| And then when the career took off, that's where the jackets became more elaborate. | ||
| From everything I learned from Elvis growing up, his performance, his style. | ||
| And I said, well, I don't want to be Elvis, but I want to give people the Elvis of comedy. | ||
| You know, and that's how the whole thing happened. | ||
| You know, and then when Rodney gave me the shot on his special, that was the best because I would watch all these fucking bozo comics at the store not working their ass off for that special. | ||
| And they know who they are, you know what I mean? | ||
| But I'm saying like on those nights where you got three people in the audience, they're going up and fucking around and they were going to be on the same special with me. | ||
| And I'm going, I don't give a fuck if the room is empty. | ||
| I just need to rehearse what I'm going to do. | ||
| Because I knew when I'd be in front of the cameras how nerve-wracking it is. | ||
| And I didn't want to have to think about material. | ||
| I just wanted to think about perform for the country. | ||
| Let them see what you've been working on all these years. | ||
| And, you know, three months later I'm in, you know, Nassau Coliseum. | ||
| You know, it was that quick. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Yeah, I did over 300 sold-out arena shows at 20,000 people a night. | ||
| And nobody had ever done anything like that before. | ||
| Well, that went on from 88 to 95, and then it was the cut-down arenas, like 10,000 people a night. | ||
| I just kept going. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, and then... | ||
| Nobody had ever seen that kind of comedy before. | ||
| The difference between what you were doing and what anybody else was doing is... | ||
| It wasn't just that it was great stuff, and it was funny, and people were enjoying it and laughing. | ||
| They could also do the rhymes along with you, and people fucking loved that! | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Those rhymes, I still close with the Mother Goose stuff, because it's almost like the hits. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| We're working on the special now, and even Max, even though he's a lot greener in the business, he knows a lot about it, and he goes, Dad, you've got to pull the hits. | ||
| He goes, you got all this great new stuff, but you got to give him some of those hits because I made it 25 years ago. | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| Your stuff is more like a song. | ||
| Like, it's great to hear it again. | ||
| Yeah, if I don't do those poems, if I don't do the poems, the audience is depressed. | ||
| They're mad, yeah. | ||
| They're like, why didn't he do the poems? | ||
| It's like going to see Leonard Skinner and they don't do Freebird. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard, what's in the bowl, bitch? | ||
| It just became this gigantic thing that, you know, even now since Entourage, that was the resurgence that I did a Southern tour recently. | ||
| And I didn't know it was going to go on, you know, because I haven't really been out there in a decade. | ||
| And I was with Don Jameson and Jim Florentine from that metal show. | ||
| And they've opened for me for years before they got the metal show. | ||
| And they would come over to me and they go, it's just happening all over again. | ||
| Because the mania of the crowds now, it might as well be 1988. And I didn't see that coming. | ||
| I just didn't see it coming again. | ||
| But I'm also that type, and I think you got that in you, that fighter instinct, that belief in yourself that you can overcome anything. | ||
| And it was like, you know what? | ||
| To do this special, I'm going to give them something once again where they think they can't be shocked anymore, where they think it's all been done, and it's not. | ||
| Because I don't care... | ||
| What anybody does on stage, I take my thoughts and I create these fucking pictures in their head that are like cartoons. | ||
| Because I'm not a political comic. | ||
| I talk about, you know, if I'm talking about technology, I'm basically talking about, you know, even if you get on your computer to make believe you're going to your email, we know you're headed for the porn sites. | ||
| We know where people are going. | ||
| That's what it's all about. | ||
| Even this new generation of women, it's like they grew up on porn. | ||
| I didn't come on here to do my material, but that's what it is. | ||
| I've had a friend come to me and go, yeah, I went out with this chick, I really liked her, and I wound up doing everything with her the first night. | ||
| You know, and so I'm not going to call her again because she's a real pig. | ||
| And I go, you know, I go, but she did what you wanted her to do. | ||
| And maybe you're the only fucking guy she ever did that with. | ||
| Did you ever think of that? | ||
| You know, maybe she doesn't do that with every fucking guy and she liked you enough to do it. | ||
| And the guy wound up marrying her. | ||
| But I'm saying, I always loved sex. | ||
| The reason I even got out to the women's stuff with what I do on stage is because when I grew up in Brooklyn, I always had a girlfriend, but I always treated them with a lot of respect. | ||
| I wouldn't even think of touching that tit for the first couple months. | ||
| I just wouldn't do it unless they pushed the issue. | ||
| But when I moved to LA in 80... | ||
| It wasn't even 89 yet. | ||
| No, it wasn't even 79 yet. | ||
| It was a whole different set of fucking rules out here. | ||
| Like, I would try... | ||
| Like, if I met a girl, why don't we go over to Ben Frank's? | ||
| Well, where do you live? | ||
| I go, no, we'll go for a bite. | ||
| Well, we could just go up to your house and hang out. | ||
| And then it was just one after the other. | ||
| And that's where the material would come from. | ||
| Because girls that another guy would be writing a love letter to, you know, is now, you know, licking my balls like she's the house dog. | ||
| You know, and I was like, this is the subject matter right here. | ||
| You know, that's where lines like, treat me like the pig that I am, because that's how they wanted to be treated. | ||
| But back then, when my career took off in 88, and I did my special, and I would do, you know, they're wearing the heels and the hair, with that attitude, like, treat me like the pig that I am. | ||
| And women would get insulted from that back then. | ||
| They knew what fucking slobs they were. | ||
| They just wouldn't admit it. | ||
| Today, they're the most aggressive fucking generation I've ever come to know. | ||
| Do you think it was like Sex and the City? | ||
| Did it start that? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Yeah, with the little piglets on there. | ||
| Like, it's okay to be a hooker. | ||
| Yeah, and that was a smart show because they didn't put, you know, women on there that were tens. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They were okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, so I do a bit on, you know, the sex in the city with Sarah Jessica. | ||
| Got a face that looks like it did fucking prison time. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But the one that always got me was Myrna, the short red hair, whatever the fucking name is. | ||
| And there was an episode where she was talking about, you know, licking a guy's ass, calling it in a cute way, tushilingus. | ||
| And I'm watching this going, even if a girl wanted to do that to me now, I wouldn't want it because I'm going to picture this little pigeon face coming out of my ass with a face full of shit. | ||
| You know, with no tits, concave. | ||
| Then I'm going, what do you do with concave tits? | ||
| Put a scoop of ice cream in each fucking one? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But it was a smart show because women in America, you know, that weren't that great looking could look at that show and go, well, if they could get all that cock, so can I. You went through a period of time in your career where there was so much pushback against your material and against what they were calling misogynist comedy that you kind of cleaned it up a little bit for a while, right? | ||
| I never cleaned it up. | ||
| What I did when I did a series for CBS called Bless This House, they wanted me... | ||
| That's the fucked up thing with doing a network show. | ||
| They wanted to... | ||
| Like on that show, they won't even put the credit as Andrew Dice Clay. | ||
| It was Andrew Clay. | ||
| And I'll never forget my booking agent going, what do they think? | ||
| People aren't going to know who it is? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And... | ||
| And that's what... | ||
| It didn't tone me down because, thank God, the show got canceled when it did. | ||
| Because I was so fucking bored every day. | ||
| I put on like 40 pounds in three months playing a postman. | ||
| And, you know, when... | ||
| And when the show got cancelled, Max loves this. | ||
| The day the show got cancelled, I was the happiest guy in the world. | ||
| I came home and I ran three miles. | ||
| My wife goes, what's the matter? | ||
| Why are you home early? | ||
| I go, the show got cancelled. | ||
| I go, I'm going running. | ||
| I got to get ready for the special because I booked the special with HBO for three months down the road and I had to get in shape to do the special. | ||
| You know, and the next day after the show was canceled, I went to Cannon Drive in Beverly Hills where Kathy Moriarty, who starred with me in the show, owned a pizza place. | ||
| And the whole cast is sitting around this table outside, like, with their head in their hands, like, how's everybody doing? | ||
| I get out of the truck because I'm coming to get dinner for, you know, my family. | ||
| Oh, well, you know, I go, yeah, I know. | ||
| I got to grab a pizza. | ||
| I got to get out of here. | ||
| I was just thrilled as, you know... | ||
| Thrilled to death that I didn't have to show up at that studio anymore. | ||
| That's one of the worst prisons for a comic, is doing something that's not funny. | ||
| Well, they really tied my hands. | ||
| I would have fights with the producer over lines, especially when they make you say the word, Which I always hated. | ||
| I hate that word, too. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going, you know, like people don't know what you're saying. | ||
| Just write something else. | ||
| He goes, well, we're not a joke story. | ||
| I go, then just send me the fuck home. | ||
| You know, one time I did a line on that show. | ||
| He had this director. | ||
| The guy that did the pilot got the job directing the season. | ||
| And, um... | ||
| You know, it was the opening of an episode, and I walk in, and the kids are watching TV, and I come in, and I go, Daddy made it through another day, and I look at the TV, I go, by the way, they never get off the island, and you shut the TV, right? | ||
| So I come in, and it's a full audience, you know, studio audience, you know about it, and... | ||
| You know, so I go, you know, they never get off the island, and before I click the thing, I go, but I'll tell you, that ginger keeps getting better looking. | ||
| And the director comes over, he goes, what are you playing to, a bunch of fucking skinheads? | ||
| And I look at this guy, and I go, you know what? | ||
| You play my part. | ||
| I'm going home. | ||
| And I leave the studio, and at that time, I was with Michael Rotenberg, who was my manager, but he was also producer of that show. | ||
| And I get a call from him, and he goes, where are you? | ||
| And I go, I'm going home. | ||
| He goes, you can't go home. | ||
| There's 300 people here. | ||
| What do you mean you're going home? | ||
| I go, the guy fucking said this, and I don't want to work with him anymore. | ||
| I don't want to do the show. | ||
| And he goes, you got to come back. | ||
| Please come back. | ||
| We'll straighten it out tomorrow. | ||
| And I go to the guy, because I'm like a five-year-old, can I stop and get a Slurpee first? | ||
| He goes, get the fucking Slurpee and get back here. | ||
| You know, and then they fired the director the next day, and then they canceled the show like four weeks later, and I was really happy about it. | ||
| My first show I was ever on got canceled pretty quickly. | ||
| It was a real similar thing. | ||
| There was a producer who was completely out of his head who rewrote everything himself. | ||
| He'd take it from the writers. | ||
| Really funny guys. | ||
| The guys who wrote The Simpsons, they wrote Married with Children. | ||
| I was on a baseball show called Hardball. | ||
| Yeah, that one I don't know about. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| It was only on for like six episodes. | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| Just move to LA and get series? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I came out here for that show. | ||
| I was living in New York and I did the MTV half-hour comedy hour. | ||
| And when I did that, I started getting all these development deal offers out of nowhere. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I just did this one TV show. | ||
| One thing and you got a TV show? | ||
| One little seven-minute thing. | ||
| You get a TV show and I get banned for life from MTV. I had never done any acting. | ||
| I didn't know anything about... | ||
| Are you still banned today? | ||
| Like, could you... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| They invited me this past MTV Awards to be in the audience. | ||
| You know, so I guess the banning is over now, but it was banned for life. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| You know, and then I'm watching Chris Brown, who beat a girl to a pulp, you know, flying through the air. | ||
| So, in other words... | ||
| You know, I can't say, you know, a couple little, you know, rhymes, because the poem that got me banned was the Jack, oh no, Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, so Jack ignored her flabby tits and licked her asshole clean. | ||
| And the reason I even did that material on the awards is because before I came out, You know, Arsenio was hosting it, and Dick Clark, I'm supposed to bring on Cher, that was my job. | ||
| And Dick Clark comes over to me, he goes, look, if you've got a stretch, if Cher's not ready, you know, Arsenio will come over. | ||
| And I go, how can't she be ready? | ||
| She's putting on a thong. | ||
| What won't she be ready for, you know? | ||
| I go, don't send Arsenio over, we didn't prepare anything here. | ||
| And as he's doing this, he's going, no, you'll stress. | ||
| I go, please, don't tell me what to fucking do when I'm out there. | ||
| And I'm thinking, this is Dick Clark, and I love the guy. | ||
| But now they introduced me, and I came out angry. | ||
| And there were a couple other comics that were on that night. | ||
| Paul Reiser came out there. | ||
| As a comic, he's a good comic, but he's talking about the hats that Frank Sinatra wore. | ||
| And I'm sitting in the crowd going, nobody's paying attention. | ||
| And I had all this heat from the Rodney special. | ||
| I'm not going to go out there and bomb. | ||
| I'm going to let them fucking have it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| So afterwards, when they would take me into the press tents, not one question was asked. | ||
| It was amazing to see. | ||
| And then the next day it was, you know, Dice banned for life from MTV. And then, you know... | ||
| So silly. | ||
| Well, it was silly, but it also, you know, upped the career even more. | ||
| Then the arenas were selling even crazier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| Can you imagine that happening now, though? | ||
| Being banned from MTV now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| But your point about Chris Brown is such a good one. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| We need to start an internet campaign. | ||
| Dice back to MTV. Would you be interested in a show? | ||
| If they were smart, they'd have me host. | ||
| Because since that award show, nothing exciting has happened all day. | ||
| You don't understand, I didn't get press for a week. | ||
| I got press for three years. | ||
| From that MTV. They didn't even mention the fucking winners when it happened. | ||
| I was in every newspaper, on every news show, and I'm going, I'm a fucking comic. | ||
| Like, it was so overwhelming. | ||
| Would you live with a Snooki or a Loader if they wanted you to? | ||
| No, I don't want to do that kind of show. | ||
| You know, I watch that show, you know, but, you know, I don't need Snooki in my life. | ||
| It's fun to just say Snooki, though. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know. | ||
| Can you imagine him living with Kurt Loader? | ||
| Or is that his name? | ||
| He's the guy, the original guy. | ||
| Well, Kurt Loader's the guy that had to talk about me being banned from MTV. Who is it that got really pissy about it, though? | ||
| Somebody was really disappointing. | ||
| They were like, misogyny is not funny. | ||
| Oh, no, I had every group, the NOW organization. | ||
| Like, over what? | ||
| Like, what kind of unrealistic expectations do these people have? | ||
| Well, you also got to understand that was when the gays were coming out of the closet when I hit and I would do all the jokes like, you know, bisexual. | ||
| And I'm like, what do you mean? | ||
| You either suck dick or you don't suck dick. | ||
| And it wasn't hateful jokes. | ||
| It was just on the money. | ||
| You know, and then the rest of the joke was, what do you do? | ||
| Wake up in the world, flip a coin to decide you know the joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's, you know, offensive comedy is a legitimate genre of comedy that does not get the respect that it deserves. | ||
| Well, it's like I tell Max, be truthful on stage. | ||
| Talk about your life. | ||
| It's the funniest shit, and it's proof positive that despite the fact that, look, they could never put any of your stuff that you did, they could never put it on The Tonight Show, they could never put it on, you know, any sort of mainstream show, but yet... | ||
| You sold out arena after arena like no other comic. | ||
| So it's really ridiculous. | ||
| But even with the talk shows, I used to look at them like, you know, you got a guy here selling 80,000 seats a weekend, you know, and guys like Letterman and Leno, that wasn't good enough for them, you know what I mean? | ||
| You should do your own talk show. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I don't want to do a talk show. | ||
| What about on the internet? | ||
| Would you be interested in doing a podcast? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Anything you could just turn on anytime you want? | ||
| What I'm going to do, I'm going to do this special. | ||
| I see what's going on on the road. | ||
| And then I'm going to go into these big places again. | ||
| I want to do the type of tour that fans have been wanting from me for years again. | ||
| So I'm making damn sure that this special, you know, just is a sledgehammer over people's heads. | ||
| And, you know, when I got all that negative press, I wasn't expecting that when my career took off. | ||
| I didn't grow up going, I want to be a controversial comic. | ||
| I didn't even think of this shit. | ||
| But the day after my first special ad, the Diceman Cometh, the New York Times put the demise of Western civilization. | ||
| And that's what started all that shit. | ||
| And it bothered me. | ||
| It was like, wait a minute, don't they get it? | ||
| I'm a comic. | ||
| But today, I got all this history, and I'm like, who gives a fuck what anybody thinks about me? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| As long as my kids know what I am and my wife knows what I am, you know, that's what matters to me. | ||
| If they want to write bad shit, write it. | ||
| Because what I'm talking about there is truthful. | ||
| It might be in a cartoon sense when I'm talking about crazy sex, you know, and I'm talking about this new generation. | ||
| I'm talking about... | ||
| You know, years ago, you go out on a first date. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| You made out with the girl a little. | ||
| Maybe you got some side tit through her coat that you could tell your friends the next day. | ||
| I go, this generation of women, when you go out on a first date, if you don't come all over her, she thinks you don't fucking like her. | ||
| I go, I went on a second date with a girl. | ||
| She goes, I didn't even think you were going to call because you didn't come on. | ||
| I'm going, honey, relax. | ||
| I go, tonight it's going to be like I put your head under a fucking yogurt machine and pulled the nozzle. | ||
| I go, that's what it is today, so why not be truthful about it and let people laugh over what fucking animals they've become? | ||
| One of my favorite things that I know about you is that you always have a camcorder and you're always documenting everything. | ||
| And like myself, I do the exact same thing. | ||
| Are you ever going to take all that footage and digitize it and do a documentary? | ||
| Well, now there's people that want to do Dice documentary. | ||
| I'm talking with, you know who George Gallo is the writer? | ||
| He did movies like Midnight Run with Daenerys. | ||
| He's done a lot of, you know, he's got a 20, what was it, 29th Street. | ||
| Who was the guy who was in Midnight Run? | ||
| Grodin. | ||
| What ever happened to that guy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| I don't care if he fell off a cliff. | ||
| Is he sitting there going, I want to wear dices? | ||
| Well, do you care about John Travolta? | ||
| This whole story that John Travolta... | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I think they should just leave fucking Travolta alone. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I'm a fan. | ||
| I've always been a fan. | ||
| And his personal life, his personal life. | ||
| Who gives a fuck what he does? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird that these people are willing to jump on board now, like new masseuses now are coming out and saying that he tried to grope them too. | ||
| Why are you saying it now? | ||
| Isn't it expected anyways? | ||
| Well, it's not just Travolta. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Like I said, I don't want to do all this material I'm going to do on the special. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, you know, when they make such a big deal, you know, this new presidential race, and these guys are coming up, there shouldn't be gay marriage. | ||
| I'm going, wait a minute. | ||
| The country's falling apart. | ||
| Nobody could even fill that fucking gas tank without getting angry. | ||
| And you're worried if two guys want to put a ring on each other's finger and say, I fucking love you? | ||
| I would love to see a 24-hour camera on Travolta's love life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| He must be living like a savage. | ||
| I think it must be such a charge just to get guys, like if he's getting massages. | ||
| He's John Travolta. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| How many guys do you think he probably got to jerk him off like that? | ||
| Most of them, right? | ||
| You know, I'm not staying on it. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| I'm a fan, too. | ||
| He's a fucking great actor. | ||
| He made that Pelham 123, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| The one with Denzel Washington, the remake of that movie. | ||
| He's a fucking great bad guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You forget sometimes what a bad motherfucker John Travolta still is. | ||
| Yeah, but he also did Swordfish. | ||
| He was bad in that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He was a bad guy in that. | ||
| Yeah, I forgot about that. | ||
| Pulp Fiction. | ||
| Well, Pulp Fiction was the resurgence for him. | ||
| This Pelham123 or whatever the numbers were, I think it's 123, he was fucking, it was a stellar performance. | ||
| I mean, he really comes off like a real psycho. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| I was watching Grease last night. | ||
| I love that movie. | ||
| That's so stupid to say, but it feels good. | ||
| Why try to knock a guy down that's done and accomplished what he's done in his life? | ||
| I would like the guy to be free. | ||
| I would like the guy to be able to just come out and say, look, I like girls, and sometimes I like guys, too. | ||
| What do you give a fuck? | ||
| Leave me alone. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| We live in 2012. I remember one time I was on Howard Stern, and he goes... | ||
| This was over the last couple of years. | ||
| He goes, the truth dice, you know, did you ever like, you know, like, you know, like he plays like, did you ever go gay or anything? | ||
| I go, let me tell you something. | ||
| I'm in my early 50s. | ||
| Do you think if I wanted to suck dick, I'd be afraid to fucking say it? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If that's what I wanted, if I wanted some guy's balls rolling around my face, I'd fucking have it. | ||
| And I wouldn't be shy about it, and I wouldn't care what they fucking said about it, because that's what I like to do. | ||
| That's something, as you become a man, you really come to grips with that. | ||
| Dom Herrera was on the podcast, and he said, I wish I was gay just so I could come out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because that's how little of a fuck I give. | |
| You know what it is? | ||
| You get this one life, you owe it to yourself to be what you want to fucking be. | ||
| I just happened to love the box. | ||
| I always did. | ||
| Since I'm a kid, that's what I like. | ||
| It's all good. | ||
| I would like a guy like Travolta to be in a society where it wouldn't even be an issue. | ||
| It's always going to be an issue. | ||
| They're going to have something to yell about. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It's just so dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who cares? | |
| Gay marriage. | ||
| People being thrown out of their homes. | ||
| They want to talk about gay marriage. | ||
| And I think they talk about it because they're sucking dick. | ||
| They're masking it. | ||
| How great would a documentary, remember that Mike Tyson documentary where Mike Tyson just sat down and he started talking about his life? | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| How great would a documentary just Travolta sitting in a room just on a chair by himself talking about how many different masseuses he's got to suck his dick? | ||
| And just going over how he breaks them down. | ||
| He's not going to leave. | ||
| No disrespect. | ||
| I think the guy's a beautiful actor. | ||
| I think he's fucking fantastic. | ||
| And I don't care what he does. | ||
| But I would think that would be a brilliant thing to watch. | ||
| Because I've got to think he probably seduces a lot of those guys. | ||
| A lot of those guys are probably straight guys. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't have the answer for you. | ||
| That's something, for whatever reason, that's something that a lot of gay guys get a kick out of, supposedly. | ||
| Hey, you feel like jerking me off right now? | ||
| I mean, we only got ten minutes. | ||
| Apparently he was telling dude shit like, I actually admired his game. | ||
| He was telling dude shit like, I don't like elbows and I don't like forearms. | ||
| Only hands and work exclusively on the buttocks. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| All I want is elbows and fucking it, right? | ||
| I'm constantly getting my back. | ||
| I got the worst fucking back in history. | ||
| Yeah, I've just gotten over a back injury. | ||
| I got a back injury in jujitsu that it took like three months to heal. | ||
| It's like I tell Max, the only guy in comedy I'd never want to have a fight with, Joe Rogan. | ||
| You're the only guy I give it up to. | ||
| I go, any comic that's ever fucked with me, I look at them and go, why would you want to do this to yourself? | ||
| Because I'm an animal, you know what I mean? | ||
| I go, Rogan is the real deal. | ||
| I go, you've got to be an asshole to come over to him and start. | ||
| I've seen Rogan go after his fans outside the comedy club. | ||
| He would have an argument in the fucking... | ||
| He's having an argument with this guy. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you another argument, which was even funnier. | ||
| He has an argument with this guy, Max. | ||
| And the guy walks out, and then after a show, he comes out and continues with like 20 people between. | ||
| He's going, fuck you, what the fuck are you going to do? | ||
| And he's like spitting at the guy. | ||
| He hated him so much. | ||
| Well, he threatened one of the other comedians. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I know the deal. | ||
| But it was just so great to see because you have a temper like mine. | ||
| I go fucking nuts. | ||
| I got a bad temper. | ||
| And then one night you got mad. | ||
| This wasn't about a physical thing. | ||
| But we were sitting out back and just talking. | ||
| And this woman just said the wrong thing to you about salt? | ||
| Like, salt isn't good for you? | ||
| And you went, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Salt is a fucking, what'd you say? | ||
| It's a mineral. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fucking mineral! | ||
| But I'm like, like it was the most important thing in your mind. | ||
| Do you understand? | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're even fucking talking about! | ||
| I'm going, he's not even on stage and he's going berserk! | ||
| And I'm like getting this show, and it went on for a good 10 minutes, and she's going, no, salt is not. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck. | ||
| You don't know anything about the body. | ||
| You don't know anything about nutrition. | ||
| It's a fucking mineral. | ||
| Oh, you went insane over it. | ||
| And I'm going, you know, the man needs a couch. | ||
| He needs to talk to somebody. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| You know. | ||
| But it was hysterical. | ||
| You know, anytime I've seen you blow up like that, I take it... | ||
| Like, I'd rather watch you outside screaming at somebody than watch any ten comics on stage. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's so entertaining. | ||
| That's why you love what you do, because you know you go nuts. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You know you. | ||
| You know when you're on stage how you get. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| That's what I like to watch. | ||
| You know, I can't sit there and go, ha ha, it's not good enough. | ||
| Ha ha, just doesn't fucking work. | ||
| Not today. | ||
| That mineral lady threw a cigarette at me. | ||
| Oh, did she? | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| That was before that. | ||
| Well, look at how you were screaming at her. | ||
| She was scared to death. | ||
| No, it was before that. | ||
| She threw a cigarette at me before that. | ||
| That's why I was pissed. | ||
| I was like, why are you even here? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're just some crazy person hanging out back here, interrupting conversations. | ||
| I'm much better now. | ||
| I've calmed myself dramatically over the years. | ||
| But what about on stage? | ||
| On stage you're going on. | ||
| Well, until something ridiculous happens. | ||
| But I try to be friendly about it as much as possible, even while they're getting kicked out. | ||
| I should be interviewing you, because I'll come over to Joe at the store and go, what should I do for this muscle or that muscle? | ||
| Because he knows anything you want to know about working out, that's who you talk to, Max. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what you have to tell him? | |
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened at the Riv a couple nights ago when the guy got thrown out and then you came out? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I wanted to fight this guy. | ||
| What I do, you know, if somebody talks during my show or I see a phone, I'll throw them out. | ||
| I actually throw them out. | ||
| Good. | ||
| And the funniest part of the whole thing, like I warn them one time, I go, let me tell you something. | ||
| You're going to have to face the back wall for 10 minutes, you know, if you do that one more time. | ||
| But the funniest part is when I decide to throw them out and security comes over, the look in their face like, what are you kidding? | ||
| And like when they're thrown out, what was I throwing out? | ||
| You were fucking talking. | ||
| I was having a good time. | ||
| It's a comedy. | ||
| You were fucking talking. | ||
| And he told you, don't talk. | ||
| So anyway, I wasn't on stage yet. | ||
| Eleanor was. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I hear her going, what the fuck is your problem? | ||
| I gave you eight fucking minutes already. | ||
| So I start screaming at the producer of the show. | ||
| I go, get that fucking guy out of this fucking room before I go up. | ||
| I'll kill this fucking guy. | ||
| So now... | ||
| And I've never done this. | ||
| I'm in the back dressing room and I come out of the back and the guy's out there now who's coming to see me, right? | ||
| And he's being read the riot act and being told to leave. | ||
| I go, you motherfucker! | ||
| And he looks at me and he goes, Dice, I just want... | ||
| I go, I would have fucking thrown you out. | ||
| You're just a drunken fucking cocksucker. | ||
| And he's going, but I said, I want to throw you down that fucking flight of steps. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
| I go, I don't want you to be my fan. | ||
| I fucking hate your fucking gut. | ||
| And he's like, he goes, oh yeah, you want to make some? | ||
| And Max is there. | ||
| And I go, yeah, I'll throw you down that fucking escalator. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| And now my wife comes running over Valerie, and she's going, please go in the back. | ||
| That's what he wants. | ||
| I go, I don't give a fuck what he wants. | ||
| I want to get my hands around his fucking throat. | ||
| That's what I fucking want. | ||
| And then I'm hearing Eleanor start to introduce me from the showroom, and then I just come out to my music like nothing fucking happened. | ||
| And I notice guys in his car flinging my CDs out the fucking window. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Max was like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| That was like the greatest thing I ever saw. | ||
| When you do live comedy, you can run across your share of fucking drunk retards. | ||
| Drunk retards and assholes and crazy people at a show. | ||
| But one of the things about working at the store was you were guaranteed to have confrontations. | ||
| The stores, it's a vortex. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| A vortex of craziness. | ||
| Some of the funniest shows I ever saw was just you just attacking people in the audience. | ||
| Well, you know, you came up with something that I've been using for years that I don't know if you know came from you. | ||
| You were sitting with Eleanor one night in the back of the store and I was ripping some guy apart. | ||
| And you told Eleanor, you go, I love when he turns into Dice Mean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because a lot of them, I actually, the minute they talk, I just hate their guts, but it's for real. | ||
| It's not like a stage persona thing. | ||
| I just turn into myself. | ||
| Now I'm just from Brooklyn again. | ||
| And it's like I want that person to know how much I fucking hate them. | ||
| It's like I know you brought up at the beginning this puppet head, whatever the fuck his name is, that fucked with Max. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the reason he fucked with Max was because he just had to talk more on your show. | ||
| He wanted more TV time, whatever the fuck this computer is. | ||
| I don't really know about the technological world that much, but that's why he opened his fucking mouth. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I'm not going to rip him apart. | ||
| I know the guy. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| But he should shut his fucking mouth. | ||
| When somebody else is talking, just shut your fucking mouth because nobody cares what the fuck you got to say. | ||
| For people that have no idea what any of this is about, there was a show that we did with a good friend of ours, Mark Ellis. | ||
| And he was sitting there with Max. | ||
| And Max was telling... | ||
| A passionate tale of youth. | ||
| A passionate tale of discovery and getting laid as a band member. | ||
| And this guy kind of mocked his tale, saying, well, that's what you're supposed to do when you're in a band. | ||
| It would be cool, except you're in a band. | ||
| Yeah, only he wasn't... | ||
| Was this guy 14 years old at the fucking Whiskey? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If you ever heard their music, you'd be blown out. | ||
| Because they were off at record deals their second time at the Whiskey. | ||
| And my other son, Dylan, who's four years younger than Max, was only 14 at the time. | ||
| What Max, or rather what Mark said, was totally blown out of proportion. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me and Mark are friends. | |
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| He shouldn't have talked. | ||
| You know, I'm glad you're friends with him, but when you got a face that looks like a squeeze doll that your eyes, nose, and tongue could pop out, you should shut your fucking mouth when somebody's telling a story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But now I'm going to end up running into him. | |
| Oh, it's going to be fine. | ||
| It's going to be fine. | ||
| Oh, Brian, you put a picture up online, you motherfucker! | ||
| Oh, Brian, how dare you? | ||
| He should just keep his mouth shut. | ||
| I like the guy. | ||
| He's a good guy, Dice. | ||
| I got nothing against the guy. | ||
| He was totally joking around, right? | ||
| Max will tell you. | ||
| It was totally just a thousand percent just goofing around. | ||
| I'll handle this guy when I see him at the store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to see him at the store. | |
| I'll handle this fucking guy. | ||
| He doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. | ||
| I'll get the pipe for this fucking guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I'll bang his head through his fucking shoes and we'll see if he ever talks again. | ||
| He's just trying to be funny. | ||
| No, I'm just goofing around. | ||
| I like Mark Ellis. | ||
| I'm just kidding around. | ||
| I never pick my hands up to nobody. | ||
| I know you don't. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
| Puppet head. | ||
| It's amazing to get through. | ||
| Mark the Puppet Ellis. | ||
| Let's see how he gets laid with that name when a girl goes, aren't you Mark the Puppet? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Let's see how much pussy he gets. | ||
| That should be the fucking quote on the cover of his book. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Mark, if you write a book, use that as a quote. | ||
| Yeah, Mark the Puppet. | ||
| And I like him. | ||
| I got nothing against the guy. | ||
| I see him every night at the store. | ||
| I think the store is about... | ||
| No, when I give a nickname, it sticks. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Anybody ever give a nickname to? | ||
| I think the store is about to get caved in by that mountain in the back, you know, where everyone goes to smoke pot and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's sliding? | |
| Dude, big, huge chunks are now falling from it. | ||
| Like the other day, something hit the wall, and it was like... | ||
| Yeah, but that's going on for 30 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It has been. | |
| Yeah, that's the reason why it's falling. | ||
| Everybody's always going on, a mountain's going to fall into the store, right? | ||
| So if it does, we'll perform on the street. | ||
| It is kind of a crazy thing to have one of those houses up there above it. | ||
| I lived up there for six years. | ||
| Crest Hill? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a beautiful place. | ||
| Nobody lived in that house longer than me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I almost bought that house. | ||
| You want to hear the funniest story? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I've had a bunch of wives. | ||
| I got a brand new wife now that I just got. | ||
| And... | ||
| My first wife, when I married her, you know, we come back to LA and she had an apartment, like off a fountain somewhere, so we take a cab to her apartment. | ||
| We come back from New York and she goes, okay, tomorrow we'll go, we'll pack all your stuff up and, you know, you'll move in here. | ||
| And I'm standing there and I go, I'm not moving out. | ||
| She goes, what do you mean you're not moving out? | ||
| I go, I gotta stay in Cresthill till I make it. | ||
| I go, I'm not going to live with you. | ||
| She goes, you married me. | ||
| I go, yeah, but it's not like I won't see you. | ||
| You know, I'll come over a lot. | ||
| You know, she actually used to come by my house 7 o'clock in the morning on her way to work because I was like in the maid's room in Crestal and I'd sleep with the windows open. | ||
| It had those, you know, it's a Spanish house with the bars. | ||
| And she'd be like, Andrew. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| And she goes, no, I just wanted to stop by. | ||
| I'm going to work. | ||
| I go, yeah, I'll call you later. | ||
| We'll go out tonight. | ||
| You know, because, you know, it was like an emergency wedding, and because she thought she was pregnant at the time, whatever, and I wouldn't move in with her, so she moved into, so she winds up moving into Cresthill, you know, she moves into Cresthill, and I said, don't tell anybody we're married. | ||
| Nobody can know we're married. | ||
| And she goes, why not? | ||
| I go, well, your parents can know, but I go, I'm building a certain image. | ||
| You know, I was like 26, you know. | ||
| I go, you know, and I married you for you, you know, not really for me. | ||
| You know, so, you know, when you have this baby, you know, it'll be legitimate, whatever. | ||
| And she goes, so nobody could even know we're married? | ||
| I go, for what? | ||
| We know we're married. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and obviously that marriage fell apart. | ||
| She moved into Cresthill and then Mitzi threw us out, you know, because she didn't want girlfriends up there. | ||
| God forbid she knew I got married. | ||
| But I was in Cresthill for over six years. | ||
| Did Mitzi ever give you advice? | ||
| Yeah, not to do the act I was doing when I started. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Because she couldn't figure it out. | ||
| Right, because it was too aggressive. | ||
| But when she couldn't figure it out, I go, it's never been seen. | ||
| And that's why I knew it would work. | ||
| It was almost like taking the kind of characters you would see, like Travolta doing movies, like Tony Manero, those kind of, and putting them on a comedy stage. | ||
| That was my idea. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That was an interesting time too. | ||
| Mitzi another time told me, alright, here's another time I knew I was going through the roof. | ||
| My second album, which was called The Day the Laughter Died, was a double CD with like no people in the audience. | ||
| From Dangerfield? | ||
| Yeah, so you know the album. | ||
| I know it well. | ||
| So, Mitzi... | ||
| What do you want me to tell you about? | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| I was introduced to it by a guy named Mike Donovan, who's a top-notch Boston comic. | ||
| Really funny guy, but a local guy, one of those guys who just never leaves. | ||
| And he is in fucking tears, crying in the back of the Comedy Connection. | ||
| And he's listening to this cassette, and he's crying. | ||
| Tears are coming out, and the guy can't breathe. | ||
| And you're doing this thing about doing Nixon in a girl's ass, like doing a Nixon impression while you're eating a girl's ass. | ||
| And I'm telling you, Mike He's fucking crying. | ||
| He goes, this is the greatest CD I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| And he goes, the fucking guy just goes into a club. | ||
| No one knows he's going to be there. | ||
| There's ten people in the fucking audience. | ||
| And he has nothing planned. | ||
| Does whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| Talks about whatever he wants. | ||
| He walks the whole crowd. | ||
| They're screaming and yelling at him. | ||
| He goes, it's fucking brilliant. | ||
| And he goes, and he put it all on a CD. This guy was crying. | ||
| Tears were coming down his eyes. | ||
| His face was red. | ||
| Listening to you do Nixon. | ||
| Well, what happened with that album is I was doing the Arenas at the time. | ||
| So the first album was like a high-powered album. | ||
| And, of course, we also recorded The Garden. | ||
| That was an album, Dice Rules. | ||
| But then I wanted to do a concept of the ultimate late-night set. | ||
| So Rick Rubin was the producer, but David Geffen would put out the albums. | ||
| So first I get a call from David Geffen going, I heard the new album. | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| He goes, I don't get it. | ||
| I go, what's not to get? | ||
| He goes, there's no people. | ||
| And you hear people walking out on you. | ||
| And I go, well, it's a concept. | ||
| It's the ultimate late night set. | ||
| He goes, okay, but why does it have to be a double CD? Because it's like two and a half hours. | ||
| Two and a half hours. | ||
| And I go, because it's never been. | ||
| Nobody's ever done anything like that. | ||
| He goes, okay, it's your career, you know. | ||
| So now Mitzi wants to hear some of the new album. | ||
| So she comes up to my house like late at night. | ||
| I'm with my friend. | ||
| And we start playing it for her. | ||
| And she's sitting there listening. | ||
| And she starts smoking. | ||
| You know, she smokes cigarettes. | ||
| And she goes, Andrew, um... | ||
| This is going to ruin your career. | ||
| I go, you don't like it? | ||
| You know, I'm like goofing on her. | ||
| She goes, no, I don't like it. | ||
| She goes, you're playing the LA Forum. | ||
| Why would you put this out? | ||
| I go, it's never been done. | ||
| Why don't people understand that shit? | ||
| So the album comes out and it goes gold in four days. | ||
| And to this day, it's the favorite album of any of my fans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I actually did a sequel, The Day to Laugh the Died Part 2, because people loved it so much. | ||
| Well, it's such a real moment, you know, when that guy, you're about as funny as a glass of milk. | ||
| Yeah, and any other comic would have cut that out of the album. | ||
| I wanted that reaction. | ||
| It was like a late night tourist crowd. | ||
| They're not expecting me. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| You know, I had like some bachelorette party there. | ||
| You know, I'm telling them, you know, I forgot what's even on the album because I was making it up. | ||
| You know, I had some notes in my pocket that said, like, Bette Midler shit yodels, nobody believes me. | ||
| You know, that people, when they run into me, they go, what did that mean exactly? | ||
| What does hour back mean? | ||
| You know, I'll call you in an hour back, get it? | ||
| But you keep saying it. | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| What's the meaning? | ||
| And I never talk about it. | ||
| I never give up on my own goofs. | ||
| You know, and I just never will. | ||
| That's a goof to a fucking very high scale, though. | ||
| Yeah, that album went in platinum. | ||
| You know, I mean, but the speed of the sales and how much people loved it. | ||
| Like, if it was the computer age, it would have just been a million tweets and a million, you know. | ||
| Well, what people loved it, what they loved about it was, first of all, there was nothing like it. | ||
| No one ever put a CD out of a 15, 20-person audience and half the people leaving and yelling at them. | ||
| No one's ever done that before. | ||
| Well, the second one ends with, I gotta fight this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you know, I was looking on the second on the second day to laugh that died, you know, because there's no beginning, middle or end. | ||
| I'm looking, how am I going to end this? | ||
| And these like two couples come in and they're drunk. | ||
| And I forgot what they were even saying. | ||
| But I get into it with the guy. | ||
| And then I dropped the mic to go after him. | ||
| And the album goes to nothing. | ||
| That's how the album ends because at that time, Club Soda Kenny, who was my bodyguard, he jumped on me as I was running to jump on the guy because he didn't want me to have a multi-million dollar lawsuit, you know. | ||
| I love Club Soda Kenny. | ||
| Yeah, but stuff like that would always go on, but this was recorded. | ||
| That's why it was so great. | ||
| And then those people were still there when I was done recording, and I went over to thank the guy for getting me angry and explained to the guy because I had no end for the album, and now I do, so I bought the guy a drink. | ||
| Because the guy thought I'm coming over now to fight him because he's out like me at a bar. | ||
| And I'm like, no, I don't want to fight you. | ||
| That was great inside. | ||
| You made the album happen. | ||
| I now have a great ending. | ||
| Nobody's going to know what happened once I dropped the mic. | ||
| Because I really got crazy. | ||
| Like, I lose it. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| It's what always happened to me, you know. | ||
| Well, you're also in that enhanced environment when you're on stage. | ||
| You know, when you're jacked up like that on stage, especially when you're in the middle of something. | ||
| Was the guy heckling? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was just yelling shit. | ||
| You know, when I get somebody too drunk in an audience, that's when I lose it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I make no excuses for adults. | ||
| I just don't. | ||
| That's why, you know, with the puppet, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's an adult. | ||
| I don't make an excuse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Poor Mark. | ||
| No, he's a good guy. | ||
| I love the guy. | ||
| He fucked up. | ||
| He did fuck up, though. | ||
| Now he knows. | ||
| Yeah, now he knows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Forever now, I guess, yeah. | |
| Yeah, and when he sees me at the store, he shouldn't even bring it up. | ||
| That would be the smart thing. | ||
| The smart thing is correct, yes. | ||
| Don't even talk about it. | ||
| I don't want to get mad. | ||
| Save it. | ||
| I've been trying to, you know, watch. | ||
| Maybe say, hello, sir. | ||
| That might be nice. | ||
| Yeah, how you doing? | ||
| Mr. Clay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to now have to have a conversation with you just to let him know it's cool. | |
| I know. | ||
| No, but I love that Max is doing the comedy. | ||
| He actually worked with me last week in Vegas. | ||
| He did it down here at the Ice House a couple weeks ago and killed it. | ||
| Everybody came back with great reports. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So much. | |
| It's amazing, man. | ||
| It's beautiful to see. | ||
| I mean, you are the son of one of the all-time greatest comics. | ||
| I mean, that's a fact. | ||
| Dice is, without a doubt, one of the all-time greats. | ||
| In my book, he's right up there. | ||
| There's only a few comics. | ||
| There's only like... | ||
| If you had room for top five, like five greatest comics of all time, he's in there for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| You are the son of that, dude. | ||
| Stop and think about comics. | ||
| No, but it's not a big deal. | ||
| I don't make it a big deal with them. | ||
| You should know. | ||
| No, but he does know. | ||
| He knows the history. | ||
| He knows it all. | ||
| But I always taught Max and Dylan. | ||
| They know who I am, but it's always... | ||
| Make your own road. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You know, not to live in my shadow. | ||
| If you do comedy, do your own kind of comedy. | ||
| Well, I remember I ran into you at the improv, and you were telling me how he was doing comedy, and you were so proud of him, man. | ||
| It was really cool to see. | ||
| You were so happy that it was working out well for me. | ||
| He just had a set and just killed, and you could see you had this, like, just a real genuine... | ||
| Appreciation of it. | ||
| Well, you know what it is? | ||
| He also has the work ethic. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He's at it every night. | ||
| He doesn't even let me come where he performs unless he's working with me. | ||
| And I can't blame him. | ||
| That's awesome, man. | ||
| You don't need that pressure in the crowd of me watching you. | ||
| But in Vegas, I would make mental notes, and we'd talk about... | ||
| Like, he'll come home, like, 2 in the morning, and I'll be out, like, on the curb, like I'm in Brooklyn, smoking cigarettes, and we'll first talk comedy until 4 o'clock. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You know, so, I mean, he knows what he's doing, and he'll be on the special, too. | ||
| Does it give you an extra, like, an extra push, seeing your son going through the whole beginning stages, you know, and seeing him, you know, putting together an act? | ||
| Does it, like, charge you up for it? | ||
| Like, make you more creative or more excited about it? | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I always believed in teaching kids by example. | ||
| Like, I'm one of those fathers that actually raised my kids, and A big part of what I'm doing now. | ||
| And yeah, it's a personal thing. | ||
| It's a job that's unfinished. | ||
| And that's why this special is going to be my last special. | ||
| I'm actually going to do it at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston. | ||
| Because Boston's always been great with me. | ||
| It's like a second home from Brooklyn. | ||
| Great common town. | ||
| Boston, Philadelphia. | ||
| So I'm going to do it there. | ||
| Max is going to be part of that show. | ||
| And he's going to show what he's got on that show. | ||
| Oh, that's beautiful. | ||
| But I always taught them by example and by me doing this, by me training physically and mentally and being on stage every night, shows him that even after all these years of comedy, I'm not taking this special and going, all right, I'll do the little special and see what happens. | ||
| I'm making sure that every comic watching this thing, especially the haters, sit there and go, fuck. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why does he still have that fucking thing? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because, you know, I'll be honest, right before I got Entourage, I was about a 42 waist, okay? | ||
| And then I got Entourage, and I'm like, alright, I can't be the fat guy in the Entourage. | ||
| So I started training, and I got in good enough shape to do the show. | ||
| And then I kept going because I don't just think of, well, let's see what happens from Entourage. | ||
| I didn't wait for the phone to ring. | ||
| I'm 10 steps ahead thinking, okay, start touring, build up, do the specials. | ||
| special then do a major tour I was with David Ritz last night he's gonna do my autobiography he's done people he did Don Rickles as far as comics he's done Marvin Gaye he did Wow what's the movie Jamie Fox started Ray Charles. | ||
| Ray Charles. | ||
| He wrote that book. | ||
| He's written a ton of books and now he wants to do mine. | ||
| And George Gallo wants to do the movie. | ||
| Who would play you? | ||
| Well, I'll let Max tell you how that came about. | ||
| You can tell him the story. | ||
| Who should play me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, the name that I guess we've all been discussing is James Franco. | |
| And I met with Franco about two and a half years ago to discuss the movie, because he would have that look of me like in the 30s, like when I was in my 30s. | ||
| He can act his fucking ass off. | ||
| Yeah, he can do it. | ||
| We met for about three hours. | ||
| By the time he left my hotel, he was doing, not Dice, he was doing Andrew. | ||
| I mean, he's a real method actor. | ||
| He would know how to play that role perfectly. | ||
| Yeah, he's a real fucking actor. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you do a role, there he is. | ||
| And he's the type of guy that he'll move in with you to learn everything you do. | ||
| Did you ever see Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, where Johnny Depp played Hunter S. Thompson? | ||
| No. | ||
| He lived with Hunter S. Thompson. | ||
| Lived in his basement for like six months. | ||
| Just hanging out with that crazy old asshole while he was like shooting guns off his back porch. | ||
| You know, Hunter S. Thompson was gone. | ||
| Well, Depp is incredible. | ||
| Depp is, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did a movie with Johnny Depp. | ||
| Me, Johnny Depp, and Rob Morrow. | ||
| You know Rob Morrow? | ||
| He starred in Quiz Show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did the show Northern Exposure. | ||
| And we did this movie called Private Resort. | ||
| It was one of Johnny Depp. | ||
| This is a funny story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's me, Johnny Depp, and Rob Morrow. | ||
| And even the producer said, the three of you guys are going to be major stars. | ||
| And then I met, you know Jim Schubert, right? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I was friends with Jimmy Schubert back then, and Jimmy Schubert thought he was going to be James Dean. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And I would say, well, you're not going to be James Dean, but on top of that, you know Johnny Depp. | ||
| And he would laugh because he didn't know who Johnny Depp was yet. | ||
| You know, Johnny Depp was unknown. | ||
| And he goes, what the fuck is Johnny Depp? | ||
| I go, Johnny Depp is James Dean, trust me. | ||
| And then Jump Street happened, 21 Jump Street, and Schubert comes to me and goes, there really is a Johnny Depp. | ||
| I thought that was a name you made up, like one of your names. | ||
| I go, I'm telling you, this is the real deal. | ||
| And Johnny obviously has had an incredible acting career. | ||
| And every time I see him, it's like, I did that movie with that guy who's done all these great... | ||
| It's like an honor when you get to work with somebody that blew up like he did. | ||
| Yeah, he's an all-time great actor. | ||
| Yeah, he's amazing, but Franco's the right age to play the main part of that movie. | ||
| And he would be doing all your material, so would you coach him? | ||
| Yeah, that's a guy that moves in with you, learns about your whole life, You know, from what you are off stage to what you are on stage. | ||
| Because he's got to play it all. | ||
| That would be fascinating. | ||
| What part of your life is it going to cover? | ||
| When you explode? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| From childhood on. | ||
| But not much about childhood. | ||
| Because a lot of that movie would show what really went on with the controversy. | ||
| How they pulled the premiere of Ford Fairlane. | ||
| Which was going to be at the LA Forum. | ||
| I mean, a lot went down. | ||
| The studio heads... | ||
| Lives were being threatened by the gay community. | ||
| You know, Barry Diller, they were telling them they're going to blow up his house with a pipe bomb. | ||
| You know, I mean, that was all. | ||
| They were plastering up. | ||
| You know, I was with... | ||
| Sandy Gowen was my manager. | ||
| David Geffen put out the albums. | ||
| And Barry Diller was the movie studio. | ||
| So, you know, the gay community were posting them on all the, like, telephone poles in Hollywood saying how they have to get rid of this guy... | ||
| And, you know, and it wound up a mess. | ||
| It wound up, you know, I got blackballed. | ||
| I got banned. | ||
| You know, I got banned from everything, including my cousin Herschel's bar mitzvah at Leonard's in Long Island. | ||
| I had, when I was first starting out, I was dirty, you know, and open mic guys, the open mic hosts would always tell you, oh, you got to clean it up, you got to clean it up. | ||
| And they would say, like, what do you think? | ||
| You're Dice Clay? | ||
| Are you Dice Clay? | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| So clean it up. | ||
| But how did Dice Clay get to be Dice Clay? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| If it's funny, isn't that enough? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| The first time I did Vegas with the Dunes, when Mitzi had the Dunes there, I got fired the second night. | ||
| Because what she would do, she would rehearse the comics act. | ||
| You had to rehearse for her and do the jokes exactly the way you rehearsed it. | ||
| Oh, just her and the crowd? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just her. | ||
| So now the show happens and now it's a live crowd. | ||
| So, of course, I just go into, you know, all my gay material and, you know, I'm doing what I have to do to kill the crowd because I'm closing the show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So after the show, she goes, I told you to stick to the act you rehearsed. | ||
| I go, I'm not a puppet. | ||
| Did we say that word today? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, I'm fucking around. | ||
| I go, I'm not a puppet. | ||
| And I go, Mitzi, you know about talent. | ||
| You know how to pick talent. | ||
| But you don't know the feeling on stage when you've got an audience. | ||
| You have to go the way the audience is going. | ||
| So the second night, after my set, I actually come over to her because I know I'm going to get fired. | ||
| And I go, look, don't feel bad about sending me home. | ||
| And she goes, I don't. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it was funny because I sat in that showroom after and I go, you know what? | ||
| They're just not ready for you yet. | ||
| And it was funny, outside, right across the street was Bally's. | ||
| And the marquee read, Tom Jones is here. | ||
| That's how he would, you know, have it on the marquee. | ||
| And I go, well, that's where I'm going to be. | ||
| And two years later, you know, there's my name up at Bally's. | ||
| You know, so I just knew they weren't ready for me yet. | ||
| But I stuck to my guns. | ||
| I did my material the way I thought I should. | ||
| And I always have. | ||
| And I still do. | ||
| It's one of those things that if you compromised and just tried to make everybody happy from the beginning, you would have never found that audience. | ||
| I'd be back in a clothing store going, what are you, a 42 regular? | ||
| That's what I'd be doing. | ||
| It's amazing how you just sort of calculated it all out, though. | ||
| I'm doing it again, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, I know the day after New Year's, and this is not, you know, you have the career you have, which is, to me, an incredible career. | ||
| I mean, you've gone, I mean, between Fear Factor and what you did, how you took it back to the martial arts and doing your comedy that way. | ||
| You know, you get my respect. | ||
| If you didn't, I wouldn't even be here today. | ||
| Thank you very much, man. | ||
| No, I think you're great. | ||
| I was watching you when you first came to the store. | ||
| That's why I would even take the time to give you some advice. | ||
| I really appreciate it. | ||
| For me, that was huge. | ||
| It meant a lot to me. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| When I met Dane Cook and he was doing The Bigger Places, you know... | ||
| I actually met him the day his father passed away, and I met him in Beverly Hills, and he was telling me how I influenced him, and I felt good that I'd been sticking up for the guy, because I never knew who the guy was until he took off. | ||
| And you know, just like all these scumbag comics, that's why I hate these guys, they all stab you, you know how they are. | ||
| And they're all in the back of the comedy store. | ||
| They're not even on that night. | ||
| You know, they're making nothing. | ||
| Going, ah, he's a fucking thief. | ||
| He's this, he's that. | ||
| He took my bit. | ||
| I go, well, why didn't you go over and smack him in the face five years ago for taking your bit? | ||
| But now that the guy's doing great, he's not funny. | ||
| He's no good. | ||
| In the meantime, he's drawing 10, 15,000 people a night. | ||
| And you're not making $20 tonight. | ||
| He hit some rarefied air, that's for sure. | ||
| So, yeah, I would always back, you know, when Eminem took off, how people would come down on him. | ||
| And I became friends with him over that. | ||
| Actually Eminem was going to do seven albums with me. | ||
| He gave me a deal for seven CDs that he was going to produce and at that time I had no heat on me and he was with I think EMI and they said we're not giving him the deal because there's no heat right now. | ||
| But that's how I became, you know, friendly with Eminem. | ||
| And it was all of a sudden, Max had the story with Eminem. | ||
| What year would you say there was no heat? | ||
| I had nothing going on from around 2000 on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Till when? | ||
| Till recently. | ||
| So is Entourage, you think, 100% for all this? | ||
| Well, what happened is, obviously, I went through divorce. | ||
| And it was, you know, my personal life's always been more important to me than, you know, a career life. | ||
| So, yeah, I would do the road and I would do my gigs, but I didn't have the management. | ||
| I didn't have the publicists out there. | ||
| All I really cared about was, when I left, my boys was 7 and 11 years old. | ||
| So it was more important for me to be around and raise them the right way. | ||
| And they both live with me. | ||
| But I prepared through this whole past decade, as bad as it was, I would work on the new material and say, at the right time, I'm going to hit them again. | ||
| Because if you walk around telling people you're the undisputed comedy king, well, if you do another special, you better prove that. | ||
| You know, and that's the bottom line. | ||
| So you like challenging yourself like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Completely. | |
| You make yourself rise to the occasion. | ||
| You know, Max could tell you how I train for this thing. | ||
| You know, what goes on in the gym. | ||
| Louis CK does that too. | ||
| Louis told me that he trains for a special, like a fight. | ||
| Like he gears up like he gets in shape. | ||
| No, you explain it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dad really, he trains like a bodybuilder. | |
| You know, it's not even like I got to lose five pounds. | ||
| It's like, no, I got to put on 10 pounds of muscle and drop 20 pounds of whatever. | ||
| But yeah, we're always in the gym, always training. | ||
| Yeah, the guy that actually trained Stallone for Rocky, when I was getting ready to do Ford Fairlane, I became friends with Stallone, and he introduced me to his trainer. | ||
| The guy's name is George Pippasek. | ||
| And the guy was from Czechoslovakia and he was Mr. Czechoslovakia four years in a row. | ||
| And then when steroids came into the business, he quit and moved to America and he built, he didn't just open a private gym, he built every, he was also a machinist and built every machine in that gym. | ||
| And this guy really taught me how to change my body when I have to change it, how to amplify any muscle, you know? | ||
| So with this special, you know, I am. | ||
| I'm 54 years old. | ||
| And when I walk out there, it's almost like when I see certain guys in the crowd that are my age or old, and I ask how old they are, and they go, you know, I'm 55 years old. | ||
| And I'm looking at the guy like he's 75. So it's like I almost want to be hopeful to those people because even as you get older, one of the other things I would call myself is like the Rocky of comedy. | ||
| Like I'll watch Rocky 6 and go, that's where I am and that's who I am. | ||
| And his messages in those movies about taking your life and reaching your potential is what I always use. | ||
| So yeah, I could just throw on a leather and walk out there and have a belly sticking out the gear. | ||
| But it's like, why do that when I'm more than capable of completely restructuring my body and giving the fans exactly what they want from me? | ||
| And it makes you feel like you're gearing up for something, too, right? | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| I go up the mountains, I go to the gym, and Max had the funniest line. | ||
| There was this producer in the gym the other day that... | ||
| I'm going to get on the treadmill. | ||
| And he got on one of these bouncing things. | ||
| And I go, why don't you do the workout with me? | ||
| And he goes, why am I going to work out with you? | ||
| And Max is standing there, but this other guy comes over that works in golds. | ||
| His name's Travis. | ||
| And he goes, because he knows what he's doing. | ||
| And this guy, Travis, is what, like 30 years old? | ||
| And he's completely ripped. | ||
| He's like 6'2". | ||
| And he goes, when I train with Dice... | ||
| I shake when I'm writing the next day. | ||
| He goes, that's how hard he trains and what he does to each muscle. | ||
| So when Max gets me alone, he goes, you know, because in the gym, like you could be in a tank top, you're in different clothing. | ||
| And Max goes, why would this producer even question you? | ||
| You have worked out. | ||
| It's on you. | ||
| And it just cracked me up because people look to... | ||
| Instead of building you up, they always look to knock you down. | ||
| And I always use those negatives to propel myself. | ||
| See, before I walk out on stage, I gave Chris Rock the same advice before he did. | ||
| Bring the pain. | ||
| And it's actually a funny story because I came into the comedy store... | ||
| And Chris was on stage rehearsing his material, and he came to the back, and me and Chris, our bondingers were both from Brooklyn, went to the same high school. | ||
| I'm like 10 years older than them, but we always had that bond. | ||
| So I said to Chris, I go, you know, what's going on with your life? | ||
| He goes, well, you know, I'm getting ready to do this special for HBO. You know, how many are they going to give me? | ||
| And I look at him and I go, let me ask you something. | ||
| I go, we're friends, right? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| I go, does it bother you at all that when you leave this club, every comic looks at you like a fucking zero? | ||
| And he's looking at me going, why would you say that? | ||
| I go, because that's how they look at you. | ||
| You're a fucking zero in their eyes. | ||
| You've done nothing other than what Eddie Murphy did for you. | ||
| How does that sound? | ||
| That's what they think of you. | ||
| He goes, why would you say that? | ||
| I go, because you're standing and talking about a special like it's just another special. | ||
| I go, when a network like HBO or Showtime, they give you a special, they're giving it to you because that's what they think you are. | ||
| And if you treat it with the attitude you just said it to me with, that's what's going to happen. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I go, when you are behind the stage and you're thinking you're going out there in two minutes, think of every comic watching going, he's a fucking zero. | ||
| And you know what the other side of your brain should be thinking about? | ||
| The family that's been backing your ass. | ||
| All these years and they're praying for you. | ||
| And you use both those things and start moving around on stage a little because you stand there like a fucking soldier and as good as your material is, people are going to fall asleep watching you. | ||
| And that's when he developed that crazy walk back and forth. | ||
| So you coached him into that? | ||
| I coached him with that. | ||
| Nothing about his material. | ||
| He gave me a thank you on the special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| And he scored and became a big star because he listened. | ||
| No, he listened because what I do understand, Joe, is about performance. | ||
| Because I studied rock stars. | ||
| I studied the greatest of the greats. | ||
| If it was with the drums, it was Buddy Rich. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The greatest drummer to ever live. | ||
| Buddy was doing shows when he was two years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So I studied the greats. | ||
| I didn't study comics because, like I keep telling you, they bored me to fucking tears. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The only one... | ||
| Like Rodney Dangerfield or Don Rickles. | ||
| When I watch Don Rickles, I'm on the floor banging my hands laughing because he's a fucking animal. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Other guys come out there. | ||
| Well, you know, I started dating. | ||
| I go, just fucking move! | ||
| You know, even with Max, when he's performing in Vegas, I go, just take a pace... | ||
| Grab that mic and start pacing a little. | ||
| And they will follow you and they'll be with you. | ||
| But if you just stand in one spot, they're going to get tired and start nodding off just to the sound of a voice. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's excellent advice. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Unless you're Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz just stands there. | ||
| Yeah, well, look at him, though. | ||
| Man's a human mountain screaming at an audience. | ||
| You're going to pay attention. | ||
| I love Diaz. | ||
| You know what's so funny about Diaz? | ||
| My new wife, she's half Latin and half Italian, Jewish, whatever she is. | ||
| But years ago, Diaz was talking about girls, and he's talking about Latin girls. | ||
| He goes, you don't want that Latin pussy. | ||
| You never want Latin pussy. | ||
| And I go, how come? | ||
| He goes, because you never get out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, he goes, you never get out. | ||
| They're fucking crazy. | ||
| It's the hottest shit on the fucking planet. | ||
| Do you understand? | ||
| You don't want to go near that. | ||
| This is, you know, 20 years before I met my wife, but now I know what the fuck he's talking about. | ||
| That's classic Joey Diaz. | ||
| Oh no, he was on the back staircase talking about Cuban food and every other fucking food. | ||
| Those fucking bitches will stab you while you're coming. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| He's right. | ||
| I was talking about a Latina girl that I was dating when I first listened to your cassette. | ||
| When I was 19, that bitch was off the charts. | ||
| Nothing like it. | ||
| Nothing like it. | ||
| I married my wife within a year's time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And we've been happy ever since. | ||
| You just said, I'll take it. | ||
| Other than when we're breaking the house apart. | ||
| Because at the beginning, it was always funny because if we got into a fight, I'm fucking leaving. | ||
| Here go, the bags are rolling out. | ||
| I'm throwing them down the stairs. | ||
| Max is looking. | ||
| And it got to a point where my sons would be like, You know what? | ||
| We're not even going to pay attention to this anymore. | ||
| How often were you breaking up? | ||
| Well, at the beginning, a lot. | ||
| You know, like every other day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, there was a couple months stretch of... | |
| But she's the only girl, you know, number one, my wife, you know, knows more about me than me, and she's a lot younger than me, and she has studied it now. | ||
| So she was a Dice fan? | ||
| No, she wasn't a Dice fan. | ||
| Her friend, when I met her, her friend knew everything about me, but she didn't even know who I was. | ||
| So once we started going out, she started on the internet and studying it, and she watches every show I do, and she's the one that got me into the social media with the fucking Twitter shit. | ||
| You know, years ago when people would go, Dice, do you tweet? | ||
| I go, you know what? | ||
| I eat pussy. | ||
| That's as far as I take it. | ||
| You know, but she got me into all that stuff and, you know, she's good with the material. | ||
| I never listened to anybody about material, you know, in my whole life. | ||
| Any woman I went with, any friend. | ||
| But she actually knows. | ||
| She gets it and she'll give me like little things to say and it kills. | ||
| You know, she really just gets what I do and really studies it. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So she's almost like she can be a writer, too. | ||
| Because she knows you so well. | ||
| She's my number one fan. | ||
| She's my groupie. | ||
| And she's the only one I want. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You've met her. | ||
| You've met her at the improv. | ||
| Yeah, she's great. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| Valerie, I hope you're listening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's also on Twitter under Miss Dice Clay. | |
| Yeah, she loves being Mrs. Dice Clay. | ||
| She loves it. | ||
| Yeah, she does the merchandise at the shows. | ||
| Oh, does she? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And I'll talk about my Latin wife. | ||
| I go, yeah, the day after we got married, a mother moves in. | ||
| Then the father and then 90 cousins. | ||
| Here come 90 cousins. | ||
| Half of them aren't cousins. | ||
| And I'm going, all I know is half my fucking truck is missing. | ||
| But she's got the greatest family. | ||
| I carry a picture of her mother. | ||
| Where's my bag? | ||
| I gotta show them this. | ||
| I don't have a picture of my wife on me. | ||
| So your Twitter's the real Dice Clay. | ||
| The real Dice Clay. | ||
| Anything else is not. | ||
| Is that your fanny pack? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have one as well. | ||
| This is my little fake bag. | ||
| I enjoy the fanny pack and I'm proud of you for sporting one as well. | ||
| For years. | ||
| I'll add you to the list. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great way. | ||
| Look at a nice picture I carry of her mother. | ||
| Take a look. | ||
| Oh wait, where's her mother? | ||
| It's the mommy. | ||
| There's Mamacita Senior. | ||
| There's me. | ||
| Look how handsome. | ||
| My wife will see that. | ||
| She'll go, you took out the wrinkled picture? | ||
| Fort Fairline used to be... | ||
| But I gotta tell you this, too, because obviously you're friends with Eleanor. | ||
| You know, Eleanor's like my extra wife, and, you know, so she also opens the shows for me. | ||
| So anytime there's a problem with me and Eleanor, Eleanor goes to my wife, and now I gotta get it in the dressing room from the two of them. | ||
| Max has witnessed this. | ||
| It's hysterical. | ||
| They gang up on him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do. | |
| Does he enjoy it a little bit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because, see, you know, they both have different talents. | ||
| Like, you know, I told you about my neck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, my wife's a little lazy about it because she's got, like, fingernails, like, longer than your foot. | ||
| You know, and they're always, like, different things, whatever she does. | ||
| But Eleanor, she's South Philly, so she gets in there with the elbows. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So be like, Eleanor, you got to work on me tonight. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And she'll, like, dig in for a good hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's all different styles. | ||
| Is that from lifting your back? | ||
| Yeah, I just always had a bad neck and back. | ||
| Do you stretch a lot? | ||
| No, I don't stretch enough. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You told me that. | ||
| Yeah, it's also your hamstrings. | ||
| A lot of times when people are experiencing pain and tightness in their back, it really has a lot to do with your hamstrings. | ||
| If you don't have a flexible back, you've got to think about all the different ways your back moves. | ||
| No, I do stretch. | ||
| I just don't stretch as long as I should. | ||
| You've got to stretch a lot, especially as you get older. | ||
| I saw that thing of you in one of the... | ||
| Martial arts magazines, like, doing the split. | ||
| Yeah, I could do that. | ||
| You know, and that's when I decided, never have a problem with him. | ||
| Never have a problem with him. | ||
| He knows too much. | ||
| Flexibility is one of the most important things, as you get older especially. | ||
| It's something you have to do like brushing your teeth. | ||
| If you don't brush your teeth, you can go to bed and not brush your teeth for a few fucking months and nothing really will happen, except you get bad breath. | ||
| You've got to think about stretching like that. | ||
| It's an important piece of body maintenance, especially as you get older. | ||
| Even as you're younger, especially if you're younger and you're lifting weights, there's a lot of people that fuck their body up because they lift weights and they don't stretch out. | ||
| You've got to make sure you get a full range of motion. | ||
| Do you still, talking about that, do you actually still fight? | ||
| I still do jujitsu. | ||
| I do jujitsu sparring. | ||
| I don't do any kickboxing anymore because I hit the bag and I work with trainers and hit the pads and stuff, but sparring is not good for your brain. | ||
| Yeah, because you're an interesting guy. | ||
| I mean, to learn what degree are you? | ||
| Well, I stopped taking Taekwondo, which was the martial arts that I first got my black belt in when I was a second degree. | ||
| And I stopped because I started getting into kickboxing. | ||
| I started getting into Muay Thai. | ||
| So I mixed all this other stuff in with the Taekwondo and sort of changed my whole style of kicking. | ||
| So that was the last time I was ever ranked was a second degree. | ||
| So let me ask you, because you also do like an aggressive show. | ||
| You know, as a comic, do you get, because people know that about you, do you get fucked with like that? | ||
| No. | ||
| The people that come to the shows are so fucking friendly. | ||
| I have no problems. | ||
| Everyone's so nice, man. | ||
| We have a friendly podcast. | ||
| It's a fun podcast, you know, and I do martial arts and I've started doing martial arts because For two reasons. | ||
| One, because I was picked on when I was younger, and I didn't like it. | ||
| And I didn't have an older brother, and my stepfather was hardly ever around. | ||
| So I had a fight. | ||
| And I didn't like it. | ||
| I didn't like people fucking with me. | ||
| So I learned how to fight. | ||
| It was really that simple. | ||
| Then once I got really good at it, I did it because I think martial arts is the most dangerous, challenging, and character-building path for human development. | ||
| I think, to really know about yourself, there's two ways. | ||
| You could go to war, you could find out about yourself shooting people overseas, fighting hand-to-hand combat in a fucking ditch, and stab a guy with a knife. | ||
| You could find out a lot about yourself in that situation, or you could travel around the country and fight in martial arts tournaments. | ||
| You can do that, and you can find out an incredible amount about Your tolerance to pain. | ||
| You're willing to push through adversity. | ||
| That's what would get me nuts with you, though. | ||
| That's what the joke was for me. | ||
| Because I know with martial arts, it's all the mind and body. | ||
| So when I would see you lose it, I'd be like, isn't this guy supposed to be zen? | ||
| You know when I'm bad at it? | ||
| I'm bad at it for two times. | ||
| One, if I'm drinking and someone's just talking shit and they're being aggressive. | ||
| I get so angry. | ||
| Yeah, but that's what they teach you to just be, you know. | ||
| Oh, I'm way better at it now. | ||
| I'm way better at it now. | ||
| But the real problem, I would always have two problems. | ||
| The biggest one was when I saw someone bullying someone. | ||
| That shit would drive me fucking crazy. | ||
| It drives me crazy. | ||
| When I see someone bully someone. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| That's how I am too. | ||
| I was never like. | ||
| I fucking hate it. | ||
| You know, it was never about, like, being a bully. | ||
| It was just being able to protect myself. | ||
| And I would also hate when I saw people get fucked with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| I understand where you're coming from. | ||
| Well, that was the hot point. | ||
| The one story that you were talking about was screaming at this guy in front of the club. | ||
| He was threatening that he was going to kill one of the guys that worked there. | ||
| They were kicking him out of the club because he was drunk, and he was saying he was going to kick my ass, and I didn't think anything of it. | ||
| But then I got off stage, and my friend's worried, and he's in the front of the club. | ||
| He's like, that fucking guy's still out here, man. | ||
| He's saying he's going to kill me. | ||
| He's saying he just got back from Iraq, and I just... | ||
| I just couldn't. | ||
| No, you lost it. | ||
| I saw Red and I was like, I'm going to beat this guy. | ||
| Yeah, I saw you weren't going to hit him or anything, but I just found it. | ||
| I was trying to get him to hit me. | ||
| No, I know that. | ||
| That's all I was trying to do. | ||
| I just wanted to swim. | ||
| Oh, I was there for that. | ||
| I was there for them and see a fight. | ||
| Well, that was totally different. | ||
| I didn't want to hurt that guy. | ||
| No, I know that, but it was so beautiful because you were like, if the mic was his nose, you were right here. | ||
| It was so enjoyable. | ||
| Well, you know and everybody knew that Wencia was a different case. | ||
| He's a guy who unfortunately has some sort of a psychological issue. | ||
| I don't know what it was, but we had this guy that was around the comedy community that wasn't like everybody else. | ||
| And he would literally go right on before you and do your best bit. | ||
| Say if you had a bit about fucking hitting your computer with a hammer, he would open with his version of your hitting the computer with a hammer bit. | ||
| I mean, it was just... | ||
| He was aggressive in it. | ||
| It wasn't just that he was trying to do good for himself. | ||
| He was also trying to shut you down. | ||
| He was trying to step on your material. | ||
| It was a real, real fucking big problem. | ||
| But even still then, I never tried to hit that guy. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I was there that night with the argument. | ||
| What was so crazy is, Max, that night... | ||
| It was like they advertised him that he's going to be performing there. | ||
| So it's so embarrassing. | ||
| He comes up there. | ||
| But I was there when it happened. | ||
| There's so many comics in the room that were backing me up. | ||
| I felt like I was representing them as much as I was representing myself. | ||
| We were so sick and tired of it by that time. | ||
| And if it wasn't for Brian catching it on video... | ||
| That guy probably would have pulled that off for another couple of years and victimized a bunch of other guys. | ||
| And it ain't good for him either, man. | ||
| He's a talented performer. | ||
| He can do his own thing. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I always tell Max, I go, if you're truthful up there and write your own material, you got a career. | ||
| You don't want to depend on other people to write your material. | ||
| So just use your mind. | ||
| And when you're on stage, just let it go. | ||
| You know, that's all you got to do. | ||
| And he's getting better and better at it. | ||
| And... | ||
| You know, the special, he's going to do something else, but, you know... | ||
| Did you talk to Joe about your drums and all that stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I brought up the drums on the last podcast. | |
| Yeah, you never saw him play? | ||
| No, I've never seen him play. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to have him do a podcast sometime, like maybe play some songs or something. | ||
| No, no, but he'll be on the special. | ||
| He's going to do a huge thing on the drums, because... | ||
| He's like untouchable. | ||
| Dice, if you had a podcast, Dice's view on the world, I would subscribe to it. | ||
| I guarantee you millions of people. | ||
| You'd probably have the number one podcast in the country. | ||
| I would tell people immediately, go get it. | ||
| I don't know if I get the discipline to do this. | ||
| It's not hard. | ||
| It's fucking easy. | ||
| No, you do it whenever you want to. | ||
| You smoke a cigarette, you drink a cup of coffee, you just start talking shit about Chris Brown. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| You press record. | ||
| You can have an engineer come to your house. | ||
| Yeah, Max always tells me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I should start the podcast and then just have my dad on. | ||
| Listen, how about you two guys do a podcast together? | ||
| Brian will produce it and he'll put it out for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just come here once, twice a week. | ||
| Easy peasy. | ||
| Once every two weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy peasy. | |
| What do you do on the road, though? | ||
| Well, on the road, I don't do anything. | ||
| I just promote my gigs, though. | ||
| I don't do radio anymore. | ||
| I only do radio when they're my friend's radio shows. | ||
| How do people know when you're going to be on? | ||
| On the podcast? | ||
| Well, the podcast is at least two or three times a week we do it. | ||
| We put it out on Twitter. | ||
| We tell people in advance, you know, hey, Monday is going to be Chael Sonnen. | ||
| Tuesday is going to be Michael Rupert. | ||
| That's the schedule for next week. | ||
| And if they miss it, they can download it on iTunes. | ||
| And one of the things I was thinking that you should do, because I know that Ford Fairlane doesn't have a DVD commentary, and it would be really funny if you just did a podcast watching Ford Fairlane so people at home could hit start at the same time, and you're just talking about the movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I think that would be one of the best things ever. | |
| They asked me to do it. | ||
| I wouldn't do the commentary for it. | ||
| What if you did it, though? | ||
| No, but I'm sorry. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because this was a movie that could have gone through the roof and they pulled it in a week. | ||
| And it was doing big numbers. | ||
| And because of what happened with Fox, 20th Century Fox put it out. | ||
| They played the movie for a week. | ||
| I had to go see it on Hollywood Boulevard. | ||
| That's how I saw Ford Fairlane. | ||
| So it was doing really well, and they pulled it just to punish you? | ||
| Yeah, at that time, you got to understand, this thing came out in 1990. So, you know, an opening weekend for that movie today would be like, you know, $45 million. | ||
| You know, back then, it was like an $18 million opening weekend because, you know, the price it cost to go into a movie theater. | ||
| And it got this big hit even though they didn't do the premiere. | ||
| And then they pulled it in a week. | ||
| And what happened with that movie is then they added all around the world. | ||
| So they made a ton of money with it. | ||
| Then at that time there were no DVDs. | ||
| It was just tapes. | ||
| It was just videotapes. | ||
| And the month that it came out... | ||
| You know how years ago it was like $2 to rent the tape? | ||
| But if you kept the tape it was like $100? | ||
| Right. | ||
| The first month it came out, they sold at the $100 price, 400,000 units. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So it was like by the time they called me years later to do commentary, I was like, you know what? | ||
| You pulled my movie out of the theaters. | ||
| Why would I do commentary about it? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I didn't care anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I can see it from that point of view. | ||
| But from the fans' point of view, people would love it, especially if you did it for yourself instead of doing it for them. | ||
| We still talk about a sequel to it because it has the audience. | ||
| It always had the audience. | ||
| If you do a podcast, I guarantee you, how many people would watch that fucking thing with you watching Ford Fairlane? | ||
| You'll give me all your information. | ||
| Would you be able to play, legally play Ford Fairlane and talk over it? | ||
| You don't even have to. | ||
| You just... | ||
| What you do is you watch it at home and you just have it in the background playing. | ||
| So you're watching the movie at home. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| So you get people to press play and watch the movie at the same time. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So they have his commentary on the laptop or something. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's ultra crap. | ||
| I'll tell you one thing. | ||
| I had a blast. | ||
| We've done it. | ||
| We do it with the UFC drunk cast all the time. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, I had a blast doing that movie, I'll tell you that much. | ||
| That was a fun movie to do. | ||
| Hey, by the way, Brian, before I say anything, there's a UFC coming up soon, and we should do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I'm not doing it. | ||
| It's one of those FX shows. | ||
| Let's do a drug cast. | ||
| Oh, the Australia one? | ||
| No, it's not Australia. | ||
| Let me find out what the card is. | ||
| I think it's soon. | ||
| I think it's like Tuesday. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I think it's next Tuesday. | ||
| In high school, that was my favorite movie ever, and I had your poster for the movie above my bed because I used to work at a movie theater, and one of my favorite shit was just the ridiculousness of it. | ||
| When you fell off the building, you're like, my hair, my hair. | ||
| This silly shit. | ||
| I would quote you most of my life. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| They let me do my thing in the movie. | ||
| It was a fun movie to do. | ||
| I thought it was a great movie. | ||
| But with everything surrounding it, it wasn't fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, even like, you know, they had me go on a Saturday Night Live before the movie came out. | ||
| And, you know, everybody was walking off the show. | ||
| You know, I don't even want to say the stupid girl's name. | ||
| And, you know, it just started, like, nothing I got to do was a pleasant experience. | ||
| You know, so, you know, but that was then. | ||
| You know, and the beauty of being around today and still doing what I do is that I survived all that stuff. | ||
| Because a lot of people would have folded. | ||
| I don't fold for anything. | ||
| I always just keep going. | ||
| And I always find a way back one way or another. | ||
| When we were talking about the period where you had nothing going on until Entourage put you back on again, did you try some stuff that didn't work? | ||
| What were you doing back then? | ||
| I did a reality show about seven years ago. | ||
| And, you know, with all these tapes, you know, these producers at Fox TV, they saw my tapes and they said, this is a show. | ||
| You know, so they sold it to VH1. And the way I would film myself is that it could be cut together. | ||
| And they got picked up for seven shows. | ||
| And I said, why don't you guys just take these tapes and cut it together? | ||
| But they had a budget. | ||
| It was like they got like 315 grand an episode. | ||
| And I said, all you need is editors. | ||
| You know, and I'll do some voiceover. | ||
| I go, you have the show. | ||
| I have filmed my life. | ||
| You know, I was filming, which you saw me do. | ||
| Yeah, all the time. | ||
| You know, and they go, no, we have ideas. | ||
| And as they're shooting these ideas, even my kids were like, what are they doing? | ||
| And they came over with this episode, a rough cut of what they called the image episode. | ||
| And, you know, they put like a grill in my mouth and dressed me like a rapper. | ||
| And I hated it. | ||
| You know, I hated it. | ||
| And I forgot if it was either Max or Dylan that looked at the producers and said, if you were doing a show with Axl Rose, wouldn't you just let him be Axl? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So why don't you just let Dice be Dice instead of making up all this bullshit? | ||
| I just remembered you were in Foolish. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's right. | ||
| One of my favorite crazy Eddie Griffin movies. | ||
| Eddie Griffin in full prime crazy form. | ||
| He played a comic named Foolish Ways. | ||
| You were like the club owner, right? | ||
| Eddie Griffin, man. | ||
| There was a kid who had some fucking talent. | ||
| There was moments where that kid would be on stage just crushing. | ||
| I thought Eddie Griffin at one point in time was going to be one of the biggest acts ever in the country. | ||
| Eddie Griffin, I sort of found Eddie. | ||
| You found him? | ||
| Well, what happened was I was at the comedy store one night and he walks over to me and he goes, I'm going to open for you one day. | ||
| And, you know, we talked for two minutes and then a couple weeks later I was getting ready to go on tour and I already had opening acts. | ||
| And Eddie was on stage and he had like, you know, 2% material. | ||
| But what he had, he was exciting to watch. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So he came on stage and I said, you know, come over here, you know. | ||
| I said, you know what, I saw you on stage tonight. | ||
| And I said, you really do have that potential. | ||
| You're going to be great. | ||
| I said, so why don't you go pack your bags and we leave in the morning. | ||
| It was the Dice Rules Tour. | ||
| And the next thing you know, we're in Philadelphia. | ||
| I was going to do, I think, two nights at the Spectrum. | ||
| And I see Eddie doesn't have a coat, no socks, and there's snow on the ground. | ||
| I go, where's all your stuff? | ||
| He goes, I don't have anything. | ||
| So, next thing you know, we're on a shopping spree, and he gives me the nickname Uncle Dice to this day, you know, because I just saw him in Vegas last week. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And, yeah, I bought him all these clothes, and he did a lot of that tour with me. | ||
| Was he in the movie? | ||
| He was in Dice Rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he was, right? | |
| He played a scene in Dice Rules, and he was great. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You know, he had to do this take where he's yelling at me in a gas station. | ||
| I was like doing, you know, before I turned into Dice, I'm doing like my own version of like a nerd. | ||
| But I was really doing my impersonation of Max, who was a baby at the time, you know. | ||
| And, you know, Eddie Griffin screaming at me in a... | ||
| In a gas station, he rips off the windshield wiper. | ||
| He's going, motherfuckers like you are just taking him away from a black man. | ||
| And I'm sitting there going, you know, and he goes, say what, motherfucker? | ||
| And then he gets in the car and he's screaming at me. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| He was great in Deuce Bigelow. | ||
| Did you see him in Deuce Bigelow? | ||
| He can act his fucking ass off. | ||
| Eddie's got a lot of talent. | ||
| A lot of talent. | ||
| A lot of crazy. | ||
| A lot of talent. | ||
| But he'll admit to that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's why it's fun to be around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, he is a great talent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, at that time, he'd come on stage twirling a baton with a big top hat, you know, making the crowd going, hey, motherfucker, hey, motherfucker, hey. | ||
| And then he didn't know what he was going to do once the music stopped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| But he had a couple bits, and he would kill the crowd. | ||
| He did great. | ||
| He's a great performer. | ||
| I remember his first special that he did, I think he did an HBO half hour, and he had shorts on. | ||
| Yeah, that's what he would do to Michael Jackson and Prince and guys like that. | ||
| Was it a half an hour? | ||
| I don't know if that was a half hour. | ||
| You're talking about the one where he was wearing the big yellow shorts. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| That was good. | ||
| I was fucking strong. | ||
| Fucking strong. | ||
| And then I did try to train him for another special, like a one-hour HBO thing, and he didn't listen. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I said, first we trained physically, then we trained mentally. | ||
| Oh, you wanted to work out with him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he went up this mountain with me, and he goes, all right, after the mountain, we're going to go to the gym. | ||
| And then halfway up the mountain, he's like, Fuck this! | ||
| And then the next day when I'm calling him, you know, he's not even returning the calls. | ||
| There he is right there. | ||
| He's a hell of a fuck. | ||
| Can they hear him? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| He can make it here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Had the balls to do it yesterday. | |
| And the news camera couldn't shut the shit off quick enough. | ||
| You could see what the motherfucker was thinking. | ||
| His brains hit the ground. | ||
| I said, look at him. | ||
| He was thinking about killing himself. | ||
| You dead, dumb motherfucker. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But only white people do silly shit like that. | ||
| I like how you got the cameraman in the background. | ||
| Great job, director. | ||
| You fuckhead. | ||
| You're fired. | ||
| What a stupid shot. | ||
| That's the stupidest shot I've ever seen in a comedy special. | ||
| Talk about a shot that brings you away from the special. | ||
| See a guy with a fucking head sitting on a camera behind him. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| Did they have a shot of the audience they could have used there? | ||
| Look at what's making you mad today. | ||
| This is the first moment of you getting heated up. | ||
| You want to hurt that camera guy. | ||
| I want to hurt him. | ||
| I want to talk to the director. | ||
| Did you see the new Avengers movie, Joe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you like the Hulk? | |
| It was fucking amazing. | ||
| When the Hulk grabs that guy and smashes him into the ground. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I won't say anymore, but it's fucking tremendous. | ||
| The Hulk is amazing. | ||
| Man, they gotta do a new Hulk movie. | ||
| And what's the guy's name that plays the Hulk? | ||
| What's the actor's name? | ||
| I don't know his name. | ||
| I still can't get past how friendly your audiences are. | ||
| Oh, they're the nicest audiences ever. | ||
| They're super friendly. | ||
| And you're an animal up there. | ||
| You go berserk. | ||
| But I'm a nice guy still. | ||
| I know you're a nice guy, but when you're doing your stage thing, I've seen it enough times to know. | ||
| Because my audience is the most aggressive audience I've ever seen from anybody ever. | ||
| Like mean? | ||
| I'm not even talking about comics. | ||
| I'm talking even rock shows. | ||
| Yeah, they're there to go nuts. | ||
| They're there to go crazy. | ||
| That's why it's about controlling the crowd, half of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dad's audience is the only audience that ever heckles me. | |
| I never get heckled anywhere. | ||
| People are always cool. | ||
| Whenever I open for my dad, I know I have to do a dirtier set. | ||
| And he has to attack them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A more hardcore set. | |
| They're hardcore. | ||
| Just out of respect. | ||
| The actor's name is Mark Ruffalo. | ||
| That's the guy who plays the Hulk. | ||
| Fucking tremendous actor. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine you have pretty aggressive crowds. | ||
| Well, it's in events. | ||
| Going to see a dice show is not just going to see a regular comedy show. | ||
| Like, the testosterone in the room must be pretty intense. | ||
| It's insanity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like he's leading an angry mob of people. | |
| It's not even, like, about laughter. | ||
| Tell us in the bowl, bitch! | ||
| Tell him I was playing this set for him because like I said, I'm going around the country testing everything and I was playing this set for him. | ||
| I just did the Bergen Center in Jersey and so we sat down late at night to listen to the set for a few minutes and we shut it off and Max goes, now I know why the government and everybody else had a problem with you. | ||
| He goes, it sounds like this angry mob cheering you on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it would be scary to government, you know, because of what he's saying and the way they're reacting to it. | |
| That's why government officials could be like, I don't know with this. | ||
| And it's the dumbest shit I could think of. | ||
| I mean, some of it, there is no thought that goes into it. | ||
| As far as, you know, certain bits, like I don't do my homework. | ||
| I just want to do the bit in the funniest way I can. | ||
| I don't care if it's got any kind of truth to it sometimes. | ||
| You know, it's just got to be... | ||
| There are certain bits that are truthful, but certain bits I'm doing just to affect them and make them laugh their balls off, that when I see a guy banging his fists on the stage and his head's laying on the stage that he can't laugh anymore... | ||
| I know I'm doing my job. | ||
| That's how I look at that. | ||
| And I come off and I go, did you see them? | ||
| And as great as the crowds might be in Vegas, it's the road crowds that are really insane because Vegas, there's a lot of things that come into it from gambling to drinking to fighting with your wife over losing the money. | ||
| There's a lot of that in Vegas, right? | ||
| Vegas is tense. | ||
| But when you come to a concert on the road, they're coming just for that. | ||
| So I could really drive them. | ||
| I want them to leave there going, I've never seen anything like that or witnessed that. | ||
| And the crowd is half of it. | ||
| You know, when I do this thing about, you know, that I've been doing for years where... | ||
| Where I pick on a guy in the crowd and then I turn it around and go, but look what we've been through. | ||
| Now me and you are fucking friends, right? | ||
| You're the fucking best. | ||
| I want to take my glass. | ||
| I want to toast you. | ||
| I go, no, I want everybody to raise their glasses to this guy. | ||
| And then Max goes, you should make them get up. | ||
| So I'm in Vegas last time. | ||
| So I go, forget about raising. | ||
| Everybody, get the fuck up. | ||
| You know, get up for this man. | ||
| Some just guy sitting there. | ||
| And I go, so I want to say to you right now, here's to you. | ||
| And then everybody go, suck in my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You know, it's just the most ridiculous stuff, you know, and it's just so enjoyable for me because I go, they've gotten to leave their life for an hour, you know, because, you know, I might say, you know, I hate going up there some nights, but once I'm out there, I just, that's my freedom to just go nuts, you You know, I'll even tell the crowd, like, you know why I'm up here right now? | ||
| Because sometimes I get into a fight with Eleanor on the stage. | ||
| I go, because she just went to tell my wife what happened here. | ||
| And when I come off this stage, they're both going to let me fucking have it. | ||
| So I'm just going to hang out here with you for a little more. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I used to sit in the back of the comedy store where that back porch is. | ||
| You know, there's the steps where Joey Diaz always just smokes cigarettes. | ||
| The steps are where the belly room is. | ||
| And we could be back there and Dice would be on stage. | ||
| Your dad would be on stage. | ||
| And all of a sudden we would just hear screaming. | ||
| Just screaming. | ||
| You fucking dummy! | ||
| You dumb fucking dummy! | ||
| Dumb... | ||
| And we would go, uh-oh, mean dice is up, mean dice is up. | ||
| And we would run in the back, dice mean in the back, and we would sit and watch you torture people. | ||
| You've had some of the funniest brutalizations of people I've ever seen. | ||
| There's a bunch of people dealing with hecklers that are on the internet. | ||
| I don't think there's any of you. | ||
| Are there any of you? | ||
| Of those comedy store sets? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| So, last summer in Vegas, you know, obviously Max is single and he's out there looking for girls. | ||
| Can we tell him a little of the story? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Well, I'll start it. | ||
| You can finish it. | ||
| So this is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just want to preface this by saying the story I told last time that Ellis said the thing... | |
| No, this is a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
This story blows that story away. | |
| Okay. | ||
| That's how you're supposed to do it. | ||
| You learned well from your father. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so much better now. | |
| Start strong and then build up. | ||
| Well, this is the thing. | ||
| So there's this girl in the front and she's a 10, you know, and she's alone. | ||
| A blonde girl, just, you know, 10 from head to toe, you know, with the big tits, a nice big fat ass, the right package. | ||
| So I'm talking to her, you know, about what she does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a dominatrix. | |
| The way she put it, she said she's in the fetish industry. | ||
| Yeah, she goes, I'm in the fetish world, you know. | ||
| And, you know, I go, how old is she? | ||
| She's only 21 years old, you know. | ||
| And, you know... | ||
| So I go, 21. I go, you like young guys? | ||
| She's going, yeah. | ||
| So now I'm out of the show, because now it's all about getting Max hooked up. | ||
| I'm going, Max, I think I got one for you here. | ||
| So the next thing you know, here comes Max with the girl after the show backstage to get the picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'm off the stage when he's talking to her. | |
| I don't know what she looks like. | ||
| All I know is he's going, you know, I have a son. | ||
| You should meet him. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Well, I didn't say I have a son. | ||
| I go, he was up here. | ||
| You know, he was up here, you know, a half hour ago, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I'm like, I got to meet this girl, but I don't know what she looks like. | |
| So I run out to hang out near the t-shirt rack and, you know, meet this girl when everyone comes out. | ||
| And... | ||
| So I see this. | ||
| She's literally the last person out of the place. | ||
| Because she was right in the front row. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she went to the bathroom or something. | |
| She's the last person. | ||
| Eleanor. | ||
| You know Eleanor. | ||
| She brings the girl out to me. | ||
| And I'm like, hey, what's up? | ||
| Yeah, you know, I'm like, you remember I was on, he was talking about me. | ||
| I'm like, alright, you want to get a drink or whatever? | ||
| You should write cards. | ||
| First it was, I want to get a picture. | ||
| So he comes back. | ||
| But what's funny is, you've got to tell Joe what you tell people that want to meet me. | ||
| Because he's always out there after the show with my wife and Eleanor. | ||
| How you tell them... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like you're not great socially. | |
| I always kind of have to let people know before... | ||
| Because I don't like meeting people. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I'm not good with it. | ||
| No, and the reason is because a lot of these guys will come backstage and they'll try to put me in a headlock. | ||
| And I get physical about it. | ||
| I'm not going to lie to you. | ||
| And it's not about being tough or anything. | ||
| Are they trying to put you in headlocks? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There was this one guy. | ||
| This was a couple months ago. | ||
| I thought I was going to break his arm when he did that because I just react. | ||
| I don't say, take your hands off me. | ||
| I react to it. | ||
| And a lot of these guys are a lot bigger than me. | ||
| But when I'm in that frame of mind, you don't see it. | ||
| It's like, don't fucking put your hands on me because I'll break your shoulder. | ||
| So he knows not to bring people back to me because I hate people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
99% of people, we just tell them that... | |
| He left. | ||
| But they ask him, like, why can't I meet him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just can't take you back there because he's just not great socially. | |
| I try to let them know, like, you're not going to get the experience that you want. | ||
| Like, it's awesome to watch the show, but if you meet him, you're probably going to, I don't know, you're not going to be too happy. | ||
| One of my favorite things you did, I don't know if you want to talk about this, but one of my favorite things you did is you started taking less and less shirts with you when you would go to shows. | ||
| Oh yeah, I heard about this. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| We use shirts. | ||
| Oh, the ones we sell? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Oh, well that was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would take less every time. | |
| We would do auctions. | ||
| Yeah, what I decided is, what do I got to bring 100 shirts when I could bring 10? | ||
| Mike Black was the opener back then and my kids were with me on the road. | ||
| So Mike Black was the barker, the auctioneer. | ||
| And we would sell the shirts. | ||
| He would start like at $150. | ||
| And we were selling shirts for anywhere from $150 to $500 a shirt. | ||
| And of course with that I would take a picture and sign the shirt, whatever. | ||
| But what was funny is my son Dylan at the time was 12 and he's taking the money and making the change with Max who was 15. And that was my crew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mike Black and these two little kids wearing die shirts. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So from the time you were like 11 you were watching them do stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wouldn't really... | |
| Okay, well the first time I ever really saw my dad do stand-up was in 2000 when I was 10 because my dad went back to Madison Square Garden. | ||
| I gotta tell you this story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of good stories. | |
| Is there an ending on this? | ||
| No, whenever we want. | ||
| That's a problem in a lot of shows, right? | ||
| You worry about running out of time. | ||
| Well, I also want to keep it interesting for you. | ||
| This is a great show. | ||
| This is very interesting. | ||
| So, you know, since my kids were born, I always thought about, like, how do I explain what I do as their father? | ||
| You know, and plus, they can't really see it. | ||
| You know, so from an early age, like, I groomed them into the business, like, understanding, you know, what I do and sort of how big it was, but it's not that big of a deal to me because I'm daddy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When they were kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So now, Max was 10 and Dylan was 6. And at that time, this was the year 2000, and I had nothing going on. | ||
| I didn't have any TV shows or specials. | ||
| So... | ||
| I decided... | ||
| I started doing... | ||
| Opie and Anthony were on in the afternoons. | ||
| And at that time, I was in a war with Howard Stern. | ||
| We weren't talking. | ||
| And they were the same network. | ||
| So I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I would go on their show. | ||
| And they were pretty new at it. | ||
| And the audience started building pretty rapidly between them and me. | ||
| And I would call in three days a week. | ||
| Or if I was in New York, I'd go in. | ||
| And there was always drama. | ||
| I had like this huge fucking thing happen with Jay Moore that he was calling. | ||
| You too? | ||
| Yeah, but I don't want to go... | ||
| Is there a fucking single comic that hasn't had a problem with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying, Joe. | |
| It was a simple thing. | ||
| Don't make me go into that, but it was a simple thing that he could have said he was sorry. | ||
| I haven't had a problem with him. | ||
| But he wanted to be a tough guy over the air, and I was in L.A. Really? | ||
| And he goes, Hey, Dice, I'm not afraid of you. | ||
| What happened is he went on Letterman and did a very close thing of Pacino to mine. | ||
| So when we were on the air, I said, you know, Jay, I go, you did my Pacino thing on Letterman. | ||
| And he started in rather than go, well, you know, it was like, no, it wasn't Letterman, it was Conan. | ||
| And I said, well, that's my thing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's my bit. | ||
| And... | ||
| And he got, I forgot how it got out of control, but then he got into like the tug. | ||
| You know, I'm from Jersey. | ||
| You know, I'm not afraid of you. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| You're doing a little bit of Jay Moore impression. | ||
| You got a little bit of a Jay Moore impression. | ||
| Do I when I do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you did. | |
| That was pretty good. | ||
| Well, it was a huge fight because... | ||
| How did he say it? | ||
| Like, what did he say to you? | ||
| Well, now I'm thinking about it, but he goes, well, I'm not afraid of you. | ||
| You know, I'm from Jersey. | ||
| And I go, look, Jay, you know, it's not about that. | ||
| It's about being tough, and I'm really fucking tough. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I go, there aren't too many guys that scare me. | ||
| Where you're from. | ||
| Where are you from? | ||
| But you gotta understand, you know, I was put in the hospital a bunch of times when I was a kid. | ||
| I've had my nose busted, my head split open, my face split open. | ||
| You know, so I know what it is to lose. | ||
| Like, when you lost your first fight, you weren't afraid to fight again because you know what it is to get hit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So the last person on earth that's going to frighten me is a guy with a beige sweater and his sleeves rolled up, Jay Moore. | ||
| It doesn't scare me at all. | ||
| But if you're going to tell me in front of millions of people you're not afraid of me, well now you've got a problem you're not going to be able to fucking handle. | ||
| So, I told him over the air, remember you telling me this, because now when you get back to LA, you better come to find me at the Comedy Store, because if I gotta come and look for you, it's gonna be even fucking worse. | ||
| I'm warning you. | ||
| So, what happens is, after I get off the air, Ralph E. May calls me, because he had my phone number. | ||
| And he goes, you know, Jay was just fucking around. | ||
| I go, you're not involved in this. | ||
| I go, the guy opened his mouth. | ||
| He didn't fucking apologize to me. | ||
| I go, and now, you know, he's going to have a problem. | ||
| If he don't come look for me, I'll look for him. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| That his wife even called me. | ||
| All of a sudden, I get a call from a detective. | ||
| I thought it was a joke. | ||
| It was at night. | ||
| Is this Andrew Clay, this and that? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| He goes, well, uh... | ||
| I'm actually a fan of yours. | ||
| I can't believe I'm calling you, but we had a complaint. | ||
| And he went to the police station with his wife at the time. | ||
| And the cop was even telling me, it felt more like a domestic dispute than anything else. | ||
| And I said, we're having a radio fight. | ||
| We were arguing on the Opie and Anthony show. | ||
| And we wound up making up, whatever. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| He went to the fucking police and filed a domestic dispute. | ||
| Yeah, that was between him and his wife. | ||
| What happened, he made a Jew reference to me, and that's when I snapped out on the radio, and even the New York Post wrote it. | ||
| It was one of the only times I got protected. | ||
| They wrote up what he said that was very wrong. | ||
| How hilarious is the fucking news? | ||
| Jay Moore said a Jew joke! | ||
| But you're getting me off what happened with the garden. | ||
| But it's a beautiful story. | ||
| But at that time, I was back to clubs. | ||
| My agents knew that. | ||
| So I decided that instead of telling my kids about my history, I want to show them one. | ||
| I want to do an arena that I knew they were young, but at least they would have that picture in their head. | ||
| Something in years to come, that's how I really looked at it, would click in their minds that they didn't just hear about their father, they got to see it, you know, in that big of a place. | ||
| So I decided to do an album. | ||
| I put the album out. | ||
| The first day it's out, my agent calls me up and he goes, what do you think the move is? | ||
| And I go, I say, you should book the garden. | ||
| And he goes, book the garden? | ||
| He goes, last time you did Westbury, you did half a house. | ||
| Now I'll explain to the people listening the difference. | ||
| Westbury sold out is about 3,000 seats. | ||
| So if I did half a house, 1,500 seats. | ||
| So why would I be thinking I could be at Madison Square Garden now? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I hadn't done arenas in a bunch of years. | ||
| So I go, I'm telling you, Dennis, I've been doing this radio show, you know, in New York, Opie and Anthony. | ||
| He goes, so based off a radio show you're doing, you think you're selling the garden? | ||
| He goes, why don't we do the Beacon Theater? | ||
| I go, I'll sell the Beacon in 20 minutes, which the Beacon's like 3,500 seats. | ||
| He goes, well, if you sell it in 20 minutes, we could always move it to the garden. | ||
| He didn't think in any way possible that I'm going to sell the beacon in 20 minutes. | ||
| Bottom line, I'm telling you the story short. | ||
| I sell the beacon out in 35 minutes. | ||
| So my agent calls me up and he goes, I don't get it. | ||
| But obviously that's something you know and I don't. | ||
| So Ron Delzner, who did my first arena with me, he's a very famous promoter. | ||
| He works under the umbrella now of Live Nation. | ||
| He said the same thing to my agent. | ||
| He goes, obviously Dice knows something we don't. | ||
| So they put 10,000 seats on sale at The Garden. | ||
| Okay, the first day we do 7,000 seats, which, if I didn't have to do the beacon, the beacon was on the 20th of October, 2000, and the garden was now going to be on the 26th, not even a week later. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| So I sell 7,000 seats, and now the ticket sales slow down because the Subway Series was announced, the Yankees and the Mets. | ||
| So ticket sales slow down, but the bottom line of what happened is the day of the garden, I get a call. | ||
| The reason I even stopped doing arenas, I would get claustrophobic from the whole thing being sold and people around me, so I couldn't take anymore. | ||
| So I get a call from my agent knowing if Delsner could open up the back. | ||
| Which was incredible because it was going to be the last night of the World Series, the Yankees playing the Mets. | ||
| And we did 13,000 people at the Garden that night. | ||
| Max was allowed to watch as much of the show as he knew when I would start getting too filthy, leave that part of the arena, and then come back in when it's not that bad. | ||
| laughter You know what I mean? | ||
| You know, because it's not like... | ||
| And you were 11, Max? | ||
| I was like 10. He was 10 years old. | ||
| What was the feeling that you had when you watched your dad go up there in front of 13,000 screaming animals? | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| When you realized... | ||
| I mean, what was the realization? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I guess the way I thought about it at that time... | |
| I just thought it was really cool. | ||
| You know, I was just 10 years old and the language didn't really faze me because even at that age I knew it was just a joke because my dad was never like that with me when he was offstage. | ||
| I just knew, alright, when my dad goes onstage he's like that. | ||
| When he comes off he's somewhat normal, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just saw it as a 10-year-old kid just thinking, whoa, that's just so cool that my dad is doing that and that there's all these people here. | |
| I wasn't thinking in terms of, whoa, what this means to stand up and what my dad has done. | ||
| I didn't have that mindset at the time. | ||
| I just thought it was awesome. | ||
| Yeah, and my whole thing was, like I told you, I always teach my kids by example. | ||
| I wanted to show them that with hard work and with belief and with that drive that's built into you, that you could accomplish anything you want to accomplish. | ||
| That's always been what, you know, when I do certain things and people talk to me like, you made all these millions and then you lost it and went through a divorce and you gambled and you bought shit. | ||
| I go, it's never been about money to me. | ||
| I go, I could always make, yeah, I'm making money again now. | ||
| But the point is that, you know, it's what you do with your life, what you could accomplish with your life. | ||
| And I didn't really know starting out what it would become when I made it. | ||
| You know, you're never prepared for what fame brings. | ||
| But I knew, like even when I saw Rocky 1 with my father in Brooklyn, when I left that theater, I told my father, I was 16 years old, I said, I'm going to do that with my life. | ||
| And my father goes, what, you're going to become a boxer? | ||
| And I go, no, I have that thing in me where I could really accomplish with my own life. | ||
| I'm just not sure how I'm going to go about it yet. | ||
| And that's what it's always been for me. | ||
| It's always been like, reach your highest potential in what you do. | ||
| Give the very best and show people what you got to offer them and I always think of myself and I know my history you know and I know you know that that I mean I don't know who the guy will come around that you know I did the Rose Bowl with Guns N' Roses you know I did things like that you know it takes a certain person in my mind that God puts here at a certain time to do these different things And I always felt like I | ||
| was born when I was born to do exactly what I'm doing now. | ||
| And that's how it is for me. | ||
| I believe if you believe something like that, if you truly believe something like that, it's incredibly empowering and it becomes real. | ||
| It can become real. | ||
| When I used to come off at the Comedy Store at 2 in the morning, you know, when there's four people, and, you know, the asshole comic, whoever it would be, went, oh, it didn't go too good. | ||
| I'd look at that guy and go, I'm the biggest in the world. | ||
| They just don't know it yet. | ||
| And this is when I was a struggling comic, and that's what comics can handle with me. | ||
| It was the real part of who I am. | ||
| Forget about onstage, the jokes, everything, was this unbelievable confidence that I was given. | ||
| You know, and it's always been inside me. | ||
| Like, just a complete belief in I could conquer whatever I have to conquer. | ||
| That's completely different than most comedians. | ||
| Yeah, most comics. | ||
| If you think of comics years ago, I mean, you know, I'm no fag or anything, but you're a nice-looking guy. | ||
| I'm a nice-looking guy. | ||
| My son's a nice... | ||
| What I'm saying is comics years ago, think of what Buddy Hackett looked like. | ||
| That guy didn't walk around, look in the mirror and go, I could bang anything I want. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The comics were goofy looking fucking guys. | ||
| I think it comes to the point where you can't really define comedy. | ||
| It's either comedy or it's not comedy. | ||
| And there's a fucking billion different examples. | ||
| There's Mitch Hedberg, there's you, there's a million different versions of it. | ||
| And that's why I never understood why comics had no camaraderie between them because everybody's just an individual. | ||
| You know, everybody... | ||
| You know, there are guys that do prop comedy. | ||
| That's why I hate when guys pick on Carrot Top, because I go, guy could own fucking Las Vegas. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| He's cooking. | ||
| And he always seems like a nice guy. | ||
| He's one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet. | ||
| Yeah, Carrot Top seems real friendly. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck he's doing. | ||
| I did this fucking roast for Kiss, for Gene Simmons, and I'm downstairs waiting to go on, and Gene Simmons didn't even know I'm going to do the roast. | ||
| I came from the front doors, and... | ||
| And they're all picking on fucking Carrot Top. | ||
| And I came up to annihilate these fucking guys for doing that. | ||
| And when I got to Carrot Top, he thought I was going to destroy him. | ||
| And I said, and you're all sitting here and you're picking on fucking Carrot Top. | ||
| And he gave me like 20 calls after this because I was like, it was... | ||
| It was the bully effect. | ||
| They were bullying this guy. | ||
| And I was like, I could shred anyone. | ||
| This fucking guy that hosts the show, this ugly motherfucker. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| Ross. | ||
| Jeff Ross? | ||
| Yeah, Jeff Ross. | ||
| This fucking little piece of cum that came from his dad's dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| You know? | ||
| Well, no, the guy introduced, remember from the 80s, Andrew Dice Clay. | ||
| That's what he said? | ||
| That's how he introduced you? | ||
| No respect. | ||
| Well, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| It's like, to this day, who the fuck even knows him? | ||
| You know, he's just this little fucking roly-poly cocksucker that couldn't fucking lick the fucking dirt from under my toenails. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's a visual. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's what he is, in my mind. | ||
| Well, you know, Jeff's thing. | ||
| He's the roast master. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's an asshole human being. | |
| There's nothing better than that Brooklyn version of asshole. | ||
| He's an asshole. | ||
| It's an asshole. | ||
| He's got a face that resembles a fucking asshole. | ||
| You understand? | ||
| I'm not calling him an... | ||
| I'm saying he's got an asshole face. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| So what I'm saying is he's got a face that on a lot of levels resembles a fucking asshole. | ||
| He's always been a nice guy to me. | ||
| Well, fuck him where he breathes. | ||
| Anybody looking to knock me down, they're getting knocked down, and I fuck him where he breathes. | ||
| It's unnecessary, and first of all, you gotta... | ||
| Nice guy, I guess. | ||
| I got nothing against him. | ||
| Just you want to open your mouth about me. | ||
| You've got an enemy for life, and one you don't want. | ||
| Why are you enemies with Opie right now? | ||
| Are you still enemies with Opie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, we're all good. | |
| No, what I got mad at them from was when Max was a kid, and I was... | ||
| And I was going to do The Garden. | ||
| Max was in the studio, and they had a problem with this talk show guy, Mancow, out of Chicago. | ||
| And they were pressing the issue, and I didn't even know what happened. | ||
| And I was looking at Opie like, end this. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| My kid's here. | ||
| And he didn't end it. | ||
| And we became enemies for a little while, but we made up. | ||
| They're good guys. | ||
| We have a good time. | ||
| Max, you were coming out, she was the last one out of the audience, the dominatrix chicks that we were talking about. | ||
| Yeah, what happened with that story? | ||
| Why talk about anything other than fucking box? | ||
| How did we even get, that's a weird term. | ||
| Thank God Brian was here to bring this back around. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, so... | |
| After the show, rather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, so I meet her at the t-shirt stand. | |
| Bring her backstage. | ||
| Yeah, bring her backstage. | ||
| And this is the kid that tells, the young man, I should say, that tells everybody, it's impossible. | ||
| He's not good with people. | ||
| But the minute there's a girl, here comes Max. | ||
| Which I loved. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And my dad was really cool with her, super friendly, because he knew what I was going for, so he knew to be cool. | |
| They take the picture. | ||
| We get out of there, go downstairs. | ||
| And then here comes my wife, you know, the Latina wife with Eleanor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm going, is my wife Valerie? | ||
| You know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We don't want anyone getting jealous. | |
| Yeah, we don't want anybody getting the wrong idea like she's back there for me. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, I'm not going to give every detail. | |
| No, you don't have to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So we go downstairs, have a couple of drinks. | |
| We ended up having some more drinks than I really thought we were going to have. | ||
| We had like four apiece or whatever. | ||
| And... | ||
| I'm not even sure how to tell it. | ||
| The next day when I get mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was the greatest night of my life. | |
| That's the only way to say it. | ||
| It was single-handedly the greatest night of my life. | ||
| Any peacock feathers? | ||
| Any dominatrix stuff involved? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because it's what she does. | |
| She was just so relaxed and open about anything sexually that it just made me completely relax and feel completely at ease because it's what she does. | ||
| It's her job. | ||
| When she came backstage, I had to question her a little because You know, I still got to look out for them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I still have a lot more. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, you know, so I'm like asking her like what she does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You sent me the text message. | |
| She was telling me about different things like I do smoking fetish. | ||
| I go, what's a smoking? | ||
| She goes, guys will just come and I just smoke cigarettes around them and act tough. | ||
| Crazy shit. | ||
| Did you wind up dating this girl at all? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I went down to the bar, I got a text from my dad in all capitals because my dad likes to text in all capitals. | |
| So it always sounds like he's yelling through the text. | ||
| I got a problem with my left eye, so I don't see the phone as good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was like... | |
| Stay in the hotel, don't give her any money, and have fun. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| So, all caps. | ||
| Yeah, look at Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe changes the screen size, actually, so it's like... | |
| Yeah, I nearly texted to you yesterday that I text in capital letters because of my arm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you do all caps also? | |
| No, no, no, that's his. | ||
| But look, I made the text larger so I could see it better. | ||
| Yeah, it's in the options. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it always sounds like he's yelling through the text message. | |
| Oh, I don't know how to do that. | ||
| Do you have an iPhone? | ||
| No, I don't believe in them. | ||
| 2012, you should look into one of those. | ||
| They exist, I swear. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| What do you believe in? | ||
| You don't believe in iPhones? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not really. | |
| But it's real. | ||
| I have two of them. | ||
| I just don't believe in them. | ||
| I think it's too much. | ||
| They're like leprechauns. | ||
| What is it that you don't believe in them? | ||
| Too much connection and shit? | ||
| How much do I need to do with it? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| For me, I'm a technological junkie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love new shit. | |
| Well, my wife has the iPhone we use for the Twitter and everything. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You know, I use Commando. | ||
| Do you tell her what to do and she does it for you? | ||
| I'll show you my phone. | ||
| Commando. | ||
| I love the fanny pack. | ||
| That's actually a very nice one. | ||
| Where'd you get that? | ||
| Roots. | ||
| Roots. | ||
| Roots has the best ones. | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| I'm making a note right now. | ||
| Roots fanny pack. | ||
| I just love fellow fanny pack users. | ||
| This is Commando. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just to sum up the rest of the story real quick for all the listeners. | |
| Oh, that's that one that you could fall on the ground. | ||
| Isn't that like a super durable one? | ||
| 300 feet underwater. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, that's smart. | ||
| Like if you're having a fight with somebody and they chase you from the beach, you go underwater and you call the cops. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, why does it need to go underwater? | ||
| What am I doing underwater? | ||
| I gotta text somebody while I'm swimming? | ||
| Can you really fucking call someone underwater? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's a crazy phone. | ||
| I love it, though. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of those they're making now. | ||
| Military style. | ||
| Yeah, that's what this is. | ||
| Yeah, they make those Toughbooks, too. | ||
| Panasonic makes those. | ||
| Well, my brother-in-law's a Navy SEAL. Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| He's the real deal. | ||
| So does he have like that kind of computer, everything he could just fucking throw into the ocean? | ||
| He don't even have command, though. | ||
| Whoa, he doesn't even have that? | ||
| He doesn't even have that. | ||
| Does he have an iPhone? | ||
| I love when people show you their phone and go, you can't even get this. | ||
| And I go, well, how the fuck did you get it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
From NASA? Who the fuck do you know? | |
| Well, what you can get today. | ||
| That's what people do with their electronics. | ||
| It's always, oh, you can't get... | ||
| Well, who the fuck you gotta know to get this? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Assholes. | ||
| I'm telling you, I do a whole thing on that now. | ||
| I can't take, with the technology, like, you know, when you go to parties, it's all they talk about. | ||
| You know, instead of what a party should be, fucking the ugly girl on everybody's jackets. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's a party. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| You move your jacket out of the pile and go, yeah, come in here. | ||
| That's a nice dark room. | ||
| Come here, chubby. | ||
| Just come in your pockets. | ||
| First thing I would do when I'd go to a party years ago, when I was like 17, 18, you'd spot the ugly girl in the corner going, alright, if that don't work out, she'll still be there. | ||
| Nothing like a fat girl. | ||
| I tell it to Max all the time. | ||
| What else happened? | ||
| Did anything else happen to the dominatrix? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The best way to say it. | |
| You know what you can't explain? | ||
| What happened with the condoms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is a really cool story. | |
| I hope so anyways. | ||
| Because when I think about it, it's cool, but let's see how it comes out. | ||
| How old are you, Max? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm 21. So I didn't have any condoms on me. | |
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I figured she would because of what she does. | |
| Yeah, Jesus. | ||
| So everything's just about to go down. | ||
| And this is after, you know, we go to the hotel room. | ||
| I play her my rock band's music, which there's really nothing better to do with a girl than play her your own band on like an iPod or whatever. | ||
| So she's really into the music. | ||
| Everything's about to go down, and we don't have any condoms. | ||
| So she starts going, you know, I feel everything happens for a reason. | ||
| Maybe we're not supposed to get together. | ||
| And I go into a panic because I'm like, there's no way. | ||
| We're in the bed. | ||
| It has to go down. | ||
| There's no way this is not happening. | ||
| She goes to the bathroom. | ||
| I pick up the phone, call the operator. | ||
| I'm like, can we get some condoms up to room 5245, please? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, they delivered condoms? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They send up like this classic Bellman, like 50-something years old, full head of solid gray, gives me the condoms. | |
| I give them the money. | ||
| I didn't know they would do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, I would be the guy running out in the lobby trying to get a taxi. | |
| No, he knew if he left, the game is wrong. | ||
| That's a strong move, Max. | ||
| That is a strong move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had read it once in an article that said Michael Jordan did that once, and he called down and had condoms brought up. | |
| Once a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For whatever reason, that came into my mind, and I'm like, just call down and ask for them, and the dude really hooked it up. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then this girl, she showed me the sexual light, and she still hasn't texted me back. | |
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really. | |
| You just hit it and quit it, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, it's crazy. | |
| You want to know that? | ||
| That's another thing with guys today. | ||
| Like, I was talking to this producer, this guy, one of the guys that was on. | ||
| His name is Rob Weiss. | ||
| He's a really funny guy. | ||
| And he was telling me, like, a story of a girl he was with. | ||
| And, you know, how they did everything. | ||
| And then, you know, like, the next day how you would call. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| Let's get together again. | ||
| And the girl, like, blew him off in a minute going, I'll call you right back. | ||
| And he goes, now I'm sitting there like the fucking girls used to do, waiting for the call back that never comes. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's the funniest thing. | ||
| This generation of women, they could go out, bang a guy all night, and then just, you know, forget about it the next day. | ||
| They say that when the birth control pill came along, the whole fucking world changed. | ||
| And now when the internet came along, it changed again. | ||
| It changed one more time. | ||
| It's insanity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a strange thing that I can't figure out. | |
| If you really hit it off with someone, why not stay in touch or whatever? | ||
| But I can't figure out her mind. | ||
| How quick did you come? | ||
| Be honest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not going to give the exact amount of time, but it was so much fun. | |
| Lightning. | ||
| It was the best. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You are talking a lot about his music. | ||
| You know, they could play one of your songs if they go to that site. | ||
| You could play them one of the songs up there. | ||
| You should. | ||
| You want us to? | ||
| You will. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Tell them what to go to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What's your favorite? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone laughed at me when I said it was on MySpace last time. | |
| No, it doesn't matter. | ||
| MySpace is still legit. | ||
| No, but the point, and they're revamping MySpace anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's making a comeback. | |
| Yeah, MySpace is making a comeback. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you go to myspace.com slash official L.A. Rocks, that's where we can find the music. | |
| Official L.A. Rocks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because there was an L.A. Rocks. | |
| But don't play the song until I set this up for you. | ||
| You've got to understand, when these songs were recorded, Max, I don't even know if he was 17 yet, he's on the drums, and Dylan was how old? | ||
| 13, 14? | ||
| Dylan was like 13. He was 13 years old. | ||
| Dylan wrote the music, plays the lead guitar, does the bass, the lead vocal, the words. | ||
| So people listening to this got to realize this is a 13-year-old kid on lead vocal and guitar. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He was only playing guitar about a year and a half. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And, you know, it just happened as a fluke because I was going to use... | ||
| Which song are we going to play? | ||
| Rottencore or Junkyard? | ||
| Junkyard. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| When we went into the studio, they were just going to lay the music down for my album that I still never put out. | ||
| And Dylan asked, can I sing it? | ||
| This is the night before. | ||
| And I go, well, yeah, sure you could sing it. | ||
| I didn't know you could sing. | ||
| I go, but you know I would never put anything on an album that would embarrass you. | ||
| So if it doesn't sound right, we'll just use the music. | ||
| So they go in, they lay the music track down in one take, then Dylan did the bass line in one take, and then the engineer goes, you know, if you want, because he's a little kid, he goes, you could come back tomorrow and do the vocal, and he goes, rock and roll happens at night, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the best. | |
| So now, with that being said, this is, you know, a couple years ago, so do the one that's Junkyard. | ||
| So 13, how old at this time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
13. Dylan's 13, I'm 17. 13 and 17. For | |
| For 13 and 17, this is fucking unbelievable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you picked up a scrap, would it make you choke? | |
| Down in the junkyard when the dead things lay. | ||
| Down in the junkyard when the dead things lay. | ||
| Yeah, at the playground you could never escape. | ||
| This is your final day. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Are you guys Alice in Chains fans? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking good, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it's really great today. | ||
| Let them hear it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| It gets better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Breathing in the smoke Looking at destruction Like it's one big fucking joke If you picked up a scrap Great | |
| drumming, Max. | ||
| Yeah, you know what else I like? | ||
| It's not some boy band bullshit. | ||
| No, this is adult rock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They wanted to be like a two-band Guns N' Roses. | ||
| Well, you got talented kids, man. | ||
| That's got to feel great. | ||
| How many songs you got up there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think there's only like three or four on the actual MySpace. | |
| What's on there? | ||
| Where are they going to if people at home want to listen to this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you go to myspace.com slash official L.A. Rocks. | |
| Official L.A. Rocks. | ||
| What are the songs around there? | ||
| What are you dedicating your time to more? | ||
| Stand-up or that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I've really been doing the stand-up mostly because the band actually broke up for a couple of years. | |
| You and your brother broke up? | ||
| Well, what happened, real short, when these record companies came at them, Dylan got a little overwhelmed, and I couldn't blame him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
13. I was overwhelmed, yeah. | |
| I would actually tell him, I go, look, I'm not Joe Jackson. | ||
| I'm not going to force you into stardom. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| But now he's back into it, and they're actually going to open my special for me. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| That's got to be so cool, man, to have your kids doing something like that. | ||
| And the reality is, regular life sucks. | ||
| Having a regular job, being some fucking dude, working in an office. | ||
| When you see your dad living the way he lives and doing what he wants to do and being free, there's really not that many other paths for you. | ||
| You grew up with it. | ||
| You see it. | ||
| It's the greatest way to make a living in the history of the fucking universe. | ||
| Creating your own shit, putting it out there. | ||
| People love it. | ||
| They come to see you. | ||
| They give you money, and you fucking have a great time. | ||
| And you live this life like the big, fat, stupid party that it's supposed to be. | ||
| Well, you know... | ||
| You know, he already realizes what assholes people could be. | ||
| So he goes, I can't wait to become famous so I could just get a house and put a big wall between me and the rest of the world. | ||
| When he'll come home from the Comedy Store at night because of everything he sees out there. | ||
| It's just the funniest way in how he puts it to me. | ||
| It's weird watching kids like Max being raised. | ||
| He's had the internet his whole life, too. | ||
| They're different. | ||
| Kids today, 21-year-old, you are much more mature, advanced, aware. | ||
| Than I was when I was 21. When I was 21, I was a fucking idiot. | ||
| When I first started doing stand-up, I didn't know what the fuck was going on in the world. | ||
| I didn't care. | ||
| One of the reasons why I like dirty jokes, because that's the only shit that I thought was actually funny. | ||
| That's all I cared about. | ||
| I was 21 years old. | ||
| What did I care about? | ||
| I cared about fucking. | ||
| That's what I want to do. | ||
| I want to get drunk and have fun. | ||
| It's a dirty world. | ||
| And fuck, it is a dirty world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why I initially started off trying to be a really clean comic, and it just has not really gone that way, because it's really hard to just be clean now. | |
| I admire Jerry Seinfeld as a craftsman. | ||
| I admire him as a man who crafts jokes. | ||
| If you go and you listen to... | ||
| Yeah, he's phenomenal. | ||
| Yeah, he's a craftsman. | ||
| I mean, he knows how to... | ||
| His pacing, his delivery, his writing. | ||
| What do I tell you is the best clean comic there is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dad always uses Seinfeld as an example. | |
| Gaffigan is another great example. | ||
| Gaffigan is a goddamn craftsman. | ||
| And he likes doing that kind of comedy. | ||
| You hang out and talk to the guy. | ||
| That's how he talks. | ||
| But to me, what's always been the funniest to me is people just get fucking crazy. | ||
| I don't want to go see... | ||
| I love comedy, period. | ||
| I mean, I'll go to see a clean comic if he's really funny. | ||
| I would love to go see Gaff again or something like that. | ||
| But if I had my choice, I want to see something crazy. | ||
| Well, it's just what people live in. | ||
| We're in a dirty world. | ||
| We live in reality. | ||
| With a lot of dirty things going on. | ||
| So if you're on stage as a comic, our whole job is commentary on the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and you need to address every unturned rock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's like to be a new comic in the year 2012. You know, Seinfeld even came up in the early 80s. | |
| You know, it seemed like it might have been a little easier to be cleaner at that time. | ||
| Yeah, that clean shit's done, son. | ||
| The internet came along. | ||
| Once Goatseed was around, once you saw people pulling apart their asshole with a wedding ring in your hand. | ||
| You ever see that picture? | ||
| Of course you have. | ||
| How about television? | ||
| Tub Girl. | ||
| You ever see Tub Girl? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| The girl with her asshole up in the air. | ||
| A fountain spray of diarrhea is splattering on her face. | ||
| She has a cheesecloth over her face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I can't. | |
| I can't look at those things. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| This is a new world. | ||
| I'll make fun of it. | ||
| Have you seen Mr. Hands? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I haven't seen a lot. | ||
| I've heard of a lot of these things, but I haven't seen it. | ||
| Mr. Hands is a guy that gets fucked to death by a horse. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| He was a guy, they started, they changed a law in Washington State about this guy. | ||
| They made a documentary about it called Zoo. | ||
| Apparently for the longest time, Washington State was legal to have sex with animals. | ||
| So people would fly to Washington State and move in and make farms together and have sex and make videos. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Ridiculous shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I did see that video. | |
| It's insane. | ||
| None of this was around when your dad was around when he was young. | ||
| None of this was around when I was your age. | ||
| You were growing up in an area of exposure, a different world than anything that I saw when I was 21. Legal to have sex with animals. | ||
| It's not anymore. | ||
| They changed it. | ||
| It was just an old law that was on the books forever, and so they found this loophole. | ||
| It's actually like a clinical psychological disorder. | ||
| It's called zoophilia. | ||
| So like in Washington like if you ask somebody like you seen anybody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm living with a ferret right now They were into horses. | |
| They were into things fucking them. | ||
| The guy had a perforated colon bled out. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's filthy as I get on stage. | ||
| And I get filthy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, that's the kind of stuff I can't even look at. | ||
| Do you... | ||
| Would you go on the internet and fuck around and, like, go to message boards and... | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I even... | ||
| You know, because I knew they grew up with the, you know, the computer generation that even when they were kids, I would say, like, look... | ||
| I know what's out there. | ||
| The one good thing about having me as a father is you know you can talk to me about anything. | ||
| You don't have to watch your language if you're talking about a girl. | ||
| You could talk straight to me. | ||
| Just tell me straight out how it is. | ||
| That's got to be nice. | ||
| And I would always tell my kids, do yourselves a favor. | ||
| Stay away from the porno on the internet. | ||
| I go, you're going to grow up. | ||
| You're going to start dating girls. | ||
| You don't want your mind twisted and bent that badly. | ||
| Too late for me. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| No, but it's the truth. | ||
| And, you know, Max was honest enough at that time. | ||
| He had a friend that went to it a few times. | ||
| I said, well, just stay away from it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But this is also when I was, like, 12. Well, that's what I'm saying. | |
| That's the age where, like, you know, you could see a thing like, you know, some chick blowing a horse and think, oh, that's what you're supposed to do? | ||
| You know, kids don't get it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They don't know it's fucking sick in their head. | ||
| Yeah, especially early exposure to really graphic sexual images like video and porn. | ||
| That probably can't be good for a kid. | ||
| It's probably not. | ||
| No, it can't be good. | ||
| It's impossible for it to be good. | ||
| Maxi hardcore type shit, you know who that guy is? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's one of the only guys in recent memory that has been arrested for obscenities. | ||
| They took him to trial in Florida. | ||
| His videos are so obscene that they took this guy to trial in one state because they knew they could get him if they went in... | ||
| Florida has very strict obscenity laws. | ||
| That's how they got two live crew in Florida. | ||
| Remember that shit when they got arrested? | ||
| Did you ever have an issue in Florida? | ||
| Not in Florida. | ||
| I had it in Cleveland, though. | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| The entire... | ||
| And I'll never forget, you know, because management, they try to keep you out of it. | ||
| And I come into my dressing room and, well, there's a problem, you know, and I'm like, what's the, this is, you know, an arena in Cleveland. | ||
| And all of a sudden, the dressing room is flooded with cops. | ||
| You know, telling me if anybody complains, anybody, you're going to jail. | ||
| And I was like, what year are we living in? | ||
| I go, I'll tell you what. | ||
| You tell me what words you don't want me to say. | ||
| As long as I step on that stage, I get my check. | ||
| I'll do five fucking minutes. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I go, but who would complain that's buying a DICE ticket? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And obviously I didn't go to jail. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| This was probably around 93. Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, yeah, I went through some stuff. | ||
| That's incredible, though. | ||
| You know, with... | ||
| 93? | ||
| In Canada, you know, where they would really detain you on the bus and really go through everything. | ||
| And I'm going, look, we're not druggies on this bus. | ||
| We're just doing comedy shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's not what I do. | ||
| They can be rough when you cross the border to Montreal, but I've been over there a few times. | ||
| They made us take a walk in the snow that I had to take a nap afterwards. | ||
| It was so hard. | ||
| And it was like four in the morning. | ||
| It made you walk in the snow. | ||
| All the way to this fucking thing where their office was. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And all of us on the bus. | ||
| You know, I traveled with a band. | ||
| I traveled with my guys. | ||
| That's why Canada is so nice. | ||
| They have a zero douchebag rule. | ||
| If you're even remotely douchebaggish at the Border Patrol, they're like, get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| If you have a DUI, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| If you have an assault, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Isn't that crazy that if you get a DUI, you can't go to Canada. | ||
| That's why Canada is so awful. | ||
| We can never go together. | ||
| It's why Canada is so awesome. | ||
| They just ban you. | ||
| Because they won't let in any American douchebags. | ||
| I mean, there's a fucking smart thing to that. | ||
| You can really think about what you do. | ||
| You live in Canada. | ||
| You're like a bunch of nice people in this frozen country that's connected to the craziest fucking savages that have ever existed on the face of the planet. | ||
| There's no crazier country, if you look at total impact on the world, than America. | ||
| Fuck Rome. | ||
| Rome can suck our dick. | ||
| We're in 140 different countries with fucking nuclear arms. | ||
| We got bombs and tanks and jets and drones. | ||
| Everybody sit the fuck down. | ||
| So Canada's like above us and every now and then one of us is running from the law and they try to get into Canada. | ||
| So of course they have to have like really fucking strict laws. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| Any criminal tendencies, any conditionness. | ||
| They saw that coming a long time ago and they're like, eh, we gotta shut it down. | ||
| Shut it down. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| That's why I have such a great time up in Canada, because they do that. | ||
| They're so stringent. | ||
| It is great there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking amazing. | |
| Canada really is awesome. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I'm at the River Creek Casino in June. | ||
| You're going to love that place. | ||
| Yeah, I've been to it a bunch of times. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've got to say where my gigs are. | ||
| Yeah, I've got them right here for you. | ||
| So next Wednesday, Dice will be at Westbury Music Fair, and that is... | ||
| In Long Island. | ||
| Where in Long Island? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Westbury. | |
| That's next Wednesday and then Friday and Saturday. | ||
| He's at the Joker's Wild in New Haven, Connecticut. | ||
| My old stomping club. | ||
| I used to do that club when I lived in New Rochelle. | ||
| And that should be a lot of fun. | ||
| And then next Sunday. | ||
| This is the big one. | ||
| Asbury Park, New Jersey. | ||
| Bamboozled. | ||
| And who are you working with there? | ||
| Well, I'm going on right before Bon Jovi. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I'll do my show and then he'll do his. | ||
| I don't know what stage I'm on, but my show's the one right before his. | ||
| I met Bon Jovi and I've met him a couple times. | ||
| I opened for them once in Queens. | ||
| I did this MTV theater in the round. | ||
| They were very nice guys. | ||
| And I always had an opinion of them. | ||
| Just real friendly guys. | ||
| But then I read this thing with him and his wife. | ||
| They own a restaurant. | ||
| And they have a restaurant where the people that go to the restaurant pay whatever they can afford to pay. | ||
| So instead of it being a soup kitchen, people can go with dignity and just pay whatever little money they have for a nice meal. | ||
| They're like really compassionate, nice people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've heard about that. | |
| That's a wild concept. | ||
| That's a beautiful concept. | ||
| It's a beautiful thing that they do, especially in this fucked up economy. | ||
| So, props to Bon Jovi. | ||
| And you'll be here with him. | ||
| That's next Sunday, Asbury Park, New Jersey, at Bamboozle. | ||
| That should be fucking crazy. | ||
| Dude, thank you very much. | ||
| It's been an honor. | ||
| For me, as a comic, like I said, when I came up, man, you were one of the guys that I really looked up to. | ||
| And so to have you on the podcast is like a crazy experience for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm super happy to do it. | |
| We'll do it again. | ||
| Thanks again for, back in the day, giving me advice. | ||
| And you really did. | ||
| You were the reason why I decided to go on the road. | ||
| I listened to him. | ||
| I was like, yeah, why don't I go on the road? | ||
| It may be a better comic, too. | ||
| Going up to the store only can kind of make you a little bit of a monster. | ||
| You could get sucked into his demonic spell and be a real fucking creep. | ||
| Thank you everybody for tuning in to the podcast and we will see you next week. | ||
| We've got a lot of show coming up next week. | ||
| Next week we've got Michael Rupert. | ||
| He's going to be here on Tuesday and Chael Sonnen the day before on Monday. | ||
| And then Shane Smith will be the week after that. | ||
| We've got a lot of shit going on. | ||
| A lot of new people that I'm putting in. | ||
| John Anthony West and I are exchanging emails so we're going to be doing that as well too which I'm fucking super psyched about. | ||
| Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring us always. | ||
| Our first sponsor, when nobody would take us seriously, they've been there from the beginning, and they're solid, and it's a fucking solid product as well. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the codename ROGAN, and save yourself 15%. | ||
| And thank you to Onnit.com, that's O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain and various nootropics like Shroom Tech Sport and Shroom Tech Immune and 5-H-T-P, Enhanced New Mood. | ||
| Go check that shit out. | ||
| And 100% money back guarantee on the first 30 pills you order. | ||
| You don't even have to sell this stuff back to us. | ||
| Just say it sucks and you get your money back. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 10% on any and all orders. | ||
| Alright, you dirty bitches. | ||
| This is the end of this show, but it is Friday and it's 7 o'clock in about two hours. | ||
| Two hours. | ||
| We will be doing the Ice House Chronicles, and that takes place right here at the Ice House in Pasadena. | ||
| You can only listen to it on Desquad, so subscribe to the Desquad on iTunes, or you can watch it on my Ustream page tonight, this one here, Joe Rogan, Ustream.tv, forward slash Joe Rogan. | ||
| Hey, Joe, I got t-shirts on sale, too. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Desquad t-shirts? | |
| They're pretty badass. | ||
| Where can they get these? | ||
| Desquad.tv? | ||
| Desquad.tv, click on Desquad Shop, and there's stickers and shirts. | ||
| Yeah, and for all you rumor-mongering cunt faces out there that thought for some reason, because me and Brian did a couple of podcasts away from each other, I wasn't with my little snuggle bunny, there's some sort of bridge or gap between us. | ||
| This is not true. | ||
| And he is my friend, and Brian will always be on the Joe Rogan Experience as long as he wants to. | ||
| Unless he gets really fucking crazy. | ||
| Unless he blows a fuse or... | ||
| Gets AIDS. Alright, that's it. | ||
| See you soon, you dirty bitches. | ||
| Icehouse Chronicles, 9 o'clock. | ||
| Follow Dice Clay, the real Dice Clay, on Twitter. | ||
| And anything else, Dice? | ||
| I'm all good. | ||
| And follow Max. | ||
| This was great. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Appreciate it. | ||
| And follow Max. | ||
| What's Max's? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm at Max D-U-Z-Z Comedy. | |
| Max D-U-Z-Z Comedy. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Follow Max. | ||
| Follow Dice. | ||
| Follow Redband. | ||
| R-E-D-B-A-N. Love you, dirty bitches. | ||
| We'll see you soon. |
Export Selection