May 1, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:58:09
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Are we starting now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When was I going to fucking tweet it? | ||
|
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Oh. | |
| Here we go. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience is sponsored by Fleshlight, the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| If you go to Joe Rogan's website, you can click on the link on the right side and put the code ROGAN in to save yourself. | ||
| How much, Joe? | ||
| 15% off, Brian. | ||
| It's the number one sex toy for a reason, because when you fuck it, it feels way better than anything. | ||
| Any product you can buy. | ||
| I have tested every single thing out. | ||
| Japanese toys, things made in Africa out of cantaloupes. | ||
| I mean, I've tested everything. | ||
| It's produce-based sex toys mostly in the South Africa regions. | ||
| But the flashlight's always the number one. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| They really, it's a genius invention. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't get the credit that it deserves because everybody's so embarrassed about the idea of fucking something. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| It's dirty. | ||
| It's dirty. | ||
| But it's an amazing product. | ||
| I mean, as far as like really effective products, I mean, it really does what is advertised. | ||
| It feels like a great vagina. | ||
| Not just a good vagina, a great vagina. | ||
| And if you like soak it in warm water before you fuck it, it actually feels like a human body. | ||
| It expands? | ||
| No, it warms like a human body does. | ||
| It feels like a human body. | ||
| I did one of those sleeps the other day where you wake up and you're just completely like, oh, I don't have to do anything. | ||
| So I'm just going to lay here and just kind of stretch out a little. | ||
| And then I saw the fleshlight on my nightstand. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I'm ready to go deep with this shit. | ||
| It was clean. | ||
| It had never been used before. | ||
| It was one of these new ones. | ||
| And I got this lotion. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Every time I think I'll just do it in the morning and then I'll go back to bed, for some reason that morning nut fills me with energy. | ||
| And then I'm like, alright, time to start the day. | ||
| That pee boner where you actually bypass the pee and still come before you even go pee? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's a talent right there. | ||
| Those nighttime boners are so important in hotel rooms to go to bed. | ||
| Beat off right before you go to bed. | ||
| Like in the hotel room sometimes when you're on the road, you know, you have a hard time sleeping. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one of those nighttime masturbation sessions. | ||
| Here's my worst times when I'm on the road. | ||
| When a flashlight would come in handy. | ||
| And I know I'm going to only sit for two hours and have to go to radio, and I'd like to beat off into a sock, but I want to reuse that sock just for morning radio. | ||
| I don't want to use a fresh sock for it. | ||
| I feel like we're stepping on fortune cookie. | ||
| You can't bring the flashlight with you, though. | ||
| That's the delight. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| There's something about traveling with you. | ||
| It's like, man, you're admitting that you can't even go away for a couple days without beating off. | ||
| It takes such a blatant admission. | ||
| Just committing to it? | ||
| Yeah, so much so that you're not worried about being stopped at the airport and searched for sex tours. | ||
| They should have a travel flashlight. | ||
| Dude, you don't even know what happened. | ||
| You know Veronica Ricci? | ||
| She went to Israel last week. | ||
|
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What? | |
| She just went there by herself. | ||
|
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What? | |
| And they thought she was a spy, and so they went through her luggage for like four days. | ||
| And she didn't have luggage for four days, and they were like asking her, because I guess they thought she was like a terrorist of some sort. | ||
| Because there's no other girls her age that are not Jewish visiting Israel right now, I guess. | ||
| And so she had to buy all new clothes. | ||
| And then she said it was pretty fucking dirty and scary. | ||
| There's people with machine guns everywhere. | ||
| There are people with machine guns everywhere. | ||
| And a lot of people played oboes. | ||
| And she's like, dude, when you see machine guns and oboes getting played everywhere. | ||
| So just because she came there by herself, they thought that she was a terrorist. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They're just really good at searching everybody. | ||
| And, well, she also bought her ticket, like, you know, last minute. | ||
| Like, she just wanted to go to Israel. | ||
| Let's get through these commercials so we can talk about this. | ||
| We have to say these commercials for us, Dan. | ||
| So if you bring a flashlight to Israel, be careful. | ||
| But other than that, go nuts. | ||
| We're also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood. | ||
| What are these? | ||
| Most of them are what's called nootropics. | ||
| And what nootropics are is they're supplements that are designed to enhance the way your brain functions. | ||
| It's a very... | ||
| Controversial issue. | ||
| So Google it. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| I've been using nootropics long before I ever started hawking them. | ||
| I was using Bill Romanowski stuff called Neuro One. | ||
| That's when I first got introduced to the world of nootropics. | ||
| And I've had very good results with them. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| But I believe in all kinds of vitamins. | ||
| I believe in eating healthy too, you stinky bitches. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com, check it out. | ||
| The supplements, all of them, when you order 30 pills, there is a 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| You don't have to return the product. | ||
| You just have to say, this sucks. | ||
| Nobody is trying to rip you off. | ||
| Everything that we sell is the highest quality Possible. | ||
| The highest quality available. | ||
| And the best mixtures that we know. | ||
| The most important thing for us is that no one feels like they got ripped off. | ||
| So we make sure that there's a 100% money back guarantee on all first orders. | ||
| Did anybody ever do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, people take it out. | ||
| They get their money back. | ||
| You know, some people, first of all, I don't know how everybody's body works. | ||
| Everybody's body works different. | ||
| I could never claim that something that's effective for me is effective for you. | ||
| There's things that other people are allergic to that I'm not. | ||
| There's a lot of weirdness when it comes to bodies. | ||
| I don't know how your brain works. | ||
| Maybe your brain works better than mine all the time anyway. | ||
| Maybe some people need nootropics and some people are like those kids that can look out a window of an airplane and then draw everything they saw in exact proportion. | ||
| You ever seen that kid? | ||
| How does that kid do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe his brain is just working in that function, in that regard, at so much higher RPMs than mine can ever achieve, ever. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I know for me, nootropics are effective. | ||
| They are for a lot of my friends that take them. | ||
| Mayhem believes in them. | ||
| He told me the first time I ever gave them to him, he goes, I knew it was legit when I was fucking people up in video games. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He goes, my video game synapses were just on fire. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because you're minus. | ||
| Video games are fucking, there's a lot of shit going on in your brain. | ||
| Like, people think that video games are vegging out. | ||
| Bullshit, man. | ||
| That's military training. | ||
| Yeah, it's when you're playing a really intense game of Counter-Strike or something like that. | ||
| I never got into that game, because I was really into more one-on-one games. | ||
| But there was a lot of dudes who would play Counter-Strike, and these motherfuckers were literally virtually going to war. | ||
| They'd have a LAN together, and they'd all be screaming out instructions at each other. | ||
| They'd all have headphones on, and they'd be playing some dudes on the other side of the room. | ||
| A lot of stimulus. | ||
| They were at war. | ||
| There was a lot of shit going on. | ||
| They had that kid who got a concussion in football and then killed himself like a day later. | ||
| They said he shouldn't have done anything that would stimulate his brain too much, but he's playing video games all day. | ||
| And they're like, absolutely do not do that. | ||
| Do not do video games in concerts. | ||
| You need to rest your brain for a little while. | ||
| Yeah, video games are really intensely exciting for the brain in a lot of weird areas. | ||
| You know, I mean, they get you, like, you're really at war. | ||
| This digital war is going on, you know? | ||
| Especially the live, one-on-one internet battles. | ||
| When I first found out that you could actually play a game with someone live, one-on-one, on the internet, I thought that was the coolest fucking thing I'd ever heard of. | ||
| I didn't know anything about pings, so the first time I did it, I'd, like, log on to servers in, like, Sweden. | ||
| I was like, yeah, I'm going to play some guy from fucking Sweden. | ||
| You play someone from Sweden. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is pretty cool. | ||
|
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You can just find a person. | |
| You have, like, this huge lag time. | ||
|
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Like, you're... | |
| People are disappearing in front of you. | ||
| You're shooting rockets. | ||
| You're not getting all the packets from the game because they're so far away. | ||
| So you would have a big ping time to them. | ||
| We had Ethernet in college. | ||
| Everyone's connected to Carmageddon. | ||
| And in between levels, whoever won that race, we'd all just pour out into the halls and start mocking each other while they were loading up the next level. | ||
| It was super fun. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's nothing like what video games can do as far as that sort of a sense of a team game, almost like a team chess match. | ||
| There's nothing like video games. | ||
| I mean, chess is a brilliant game. | ||
| It's an amazing game for strategy. | ||
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You can stay up. | |
| That's how stimulating it is. | ||
| You can stay up for like 25 straight hours to play video games. | ||
| Yeah, you don't get tired. | ||
| You want to keep going. | ||
| You're tired at 2 a.m. | ||
| and you go to sleep at 8 a.m. | ||
| You get away from the game and your hands are shaking. | ||
| Your whole body's pulsating with adrenaline. | ||
| Yeah, dude, we used to have these Quake land matches where we would all get together and we would have death matches where we would either have team matches where it would be our team and we'd go against other teams. | ||
| That was always real fun. | ||
| Or we would just fuck each other up. | ||
| We would just have melees where anybody was against everybody and we'd just run into a room and everybody would fucking kill everybody until there was one last man standing. | ||
| We should talk about this on the podcast. | ||
| We should! | ||
| Is this not part of it? | ||
| No. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It is and it isn't. | ||
| Most people will get this part. | ||
| Yeah, we have to make our commercials really commercials. | ||
| Eventually we're going to have to shorten these pictures. | ||
| No, just join in with them. | ||
| Because this stuff doesn't get put on, I don't think, Sirius Radio. | ||
| Oh, it doesn't? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, onit.com. | ||
| You know what to do, bitch. | ||
|
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Oh, really? | |
| Enter in the code name Rogan, save 10%. | ||
| Alright cue the music. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | ||
|
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Pajot Rogan experience. | ||
| Train by day! | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night! | ||
| All day! | ||
| What did you do that time? | ||
| Did you slow it by half? | ||
| The crafty devil. | ||
| It's DJ Redvan! | ||
| We've been talking for like 10-15 minutes about how fucking awesome video games can be. | ||
| And so the serious stuff starts right now? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| They can do whenever they want it, really. | ||
| We should just record the commercials. | ||
|
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Maybe. | |
| Maybe not. | ||
| People like it like this. | ||
| Some people don't. | ||
| It gives people reason to listen. | ||
| It's a conversation more than anything. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's more effective. | ||
| I've been listening to us on Sirius Radio so much lately that it changes my whole look of how I do this part of the podcast, I think. | ||
| It seems really legit when you're just driving around and you just flip a radio station. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| That's me. | ||
| And you hear yourself. | ||
| The radio still is like, wow. | ||
| It's still, there's, yeah. | ||
| Well, it's also, the idea of the radio is it's people that don't necessarily want to hear you. | ||
| So you want to be like a little better for them. | ||
| You know, the people that already like you, like your podcast fans, you already got them. | ||
| But if you're on Sirius and, you know, and they click on and you're stumbling through your words and sounding like a retard. | ||
| It's like, what? | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| The Fear Factor guy has a radio show? | ||
| He's saying, I'm too much! | ||
| He's saying, you know, every other thing, you know? | ||
| You know, I fucking hate that I say, you know. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Is that the one thing you catch by yourself? | ||
| God damn, I've been watching that lately. | ||
| You know, when I watched MC Chris was on your podcast, very nice guy, MC Chris, and this is not a criticism of him, but it made me realize it about myself, that he says, you know, a lot. | ||
| And I'm like, God damn, bitch, you do too. | ||
| That's what I said to myself. | ||
| I'm like, you say, you know, all the time. | ||
| Yeah, when you see it in somebody else, you can see it in yourself. | ||
| It's like a trickery for um. | ||
| You're pretending you're saying um, but you're saying it with two words. | ||
| No, it's not you know. | ||
| It's um, you fuck. | ||
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You're saying um. | |
| What do I say a lot? | ||
| You say you know, too. | ||
| A lot of us do. | ||
| I think it's one of those things that one of us starts doing, and then we all start doing it. | ||
| Everyone just starts doing it. | ||
| Ari, do you know something I say a lot? | ||
| I think like, maybe. | ||
| Yes, you are a big like. | ||
| Yes, you say like a lot. | ||
| A lot of girls say like a lot. | ||
| Because that's my way of saying, like, here, I'll give you a different example. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's good when it works, when that is what you say. | ||
| But if it's just like... | ||
| You know, this like, so I'm like, and he's like, and there's like, I'm like, are you serious? | ||
| Like, is this like, I'm sure, like, whoa. | ||
| Like, you know what I mean? | ||
| I'm like, I don't get it. | ||
| In the future, somehow, we're not gonna talk. | ||
| We're gonna have our phone talk for us. | ||
| You said something really interesting the other day that I've been really thinking of, and it was a very valid point. | ||
| You were saying that that's what autism is. | ||
| That's what people that are emotionless, and that's what eventually, if we're all going to be connected digitally, there really won't be a need for emotions anymore. | ||
| It's like that might be the next stage. | ||
| A lot of people have speculated that what some of the autism spectrum disorders are is the human body possibly making a change. | ||
| Getting ready for some new development? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It could be a lot of different things. | ||
| They say there's environmental factors, like a lot of people say that it's toxins. | ||
| There's been arguments about vaccinations, all sorts of different things. | ||
| But the idea is that they don't know what it is, or maybe it's that it's just being diagnosed more. | ||
| There's arguments both ways. | ||
| But something's happening, and there's a lot of kids that are experiencing this sort of a disassociated behavior. | ||
| You know, and it's super unfortunate, but it might be representing, according to people way smarter than me, so I don't even know exactly what they're meaning by this, but they're saying that it might be representing a next stage in the development of human beings. | ||
| And that as a result of all of our technological connection with each other and being able to text and send pictures and do everything sort of virtually to each other that slowly the human body is having less and less of a need of the extreme sort of emotional interaction that has sort of gotten us to where we are today. | ||
| I get addicted to the computer and the phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It takes me two hours to just start taking a shower. | ||
| I'm like, let me just check this again on Facebook and then Twitter. | ||
| It's something unhealthy. | ||
| There's something going on with it. | ||
| There's something fascinating about it. | ||
| It is just like what we were talking about earlier about video games. | ||
| We were saying that video games are so stimulating, like you never get tired. | ||
| Is it just the light? | ||
| Is that a lot of it? | ||
| Maybe it's something. | ||
| The visuals. | ||
| You know, like really cool graphics. | ||
| It's the challenge. | ||
| People do want to get challenged. | ||
| It's like a game. | ||
| It's like anything. | ||
| Well, it's also replacing all those instincts that are in our DNA that sort of got us to where we are today. | ||
| You know, I've been watching this... | ||
| Just sit still. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| To sit still and just look at things? | ||
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Yeah. | |
| And move your wrist? | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| I mean, that's replacing going out and killing animals. | ||
| That's replacing fighting off the enemy. | ||
| That's replacing, you know, swimming to safety because your boat breaks a hole in it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, this is... | ||
| The world that we're living in, it's not filled with all these needs for violent explosions and running away from danger and all the shit that the body's programmed for. | ||
| So instead, it's slowly... | ||
| Entering to some sort of a symbiotic relationship with machines, and as it enters into this relationship with machines, it becomes less and less emotional. | ||
| It's less and less interactive with humans, less and less dependent on that, and perhaps one day, ultimately, not dependent at all. | ||
| Because one day, ultimately, if you expand on how far, how much of a connection we have with computers now, and how this didn't even exist at all just a hundred years ago, no electronics, no nothing a hundred years ago, Think of it. | ||
| It's not outside the realm of possibility to envision some sort of a permanent interaction that humans are going to have with some sort of electronic environment. | ||
| Like claws that would come out to hold your phone when you're typing on it. | ||
| Something where, you know, you're much more interactive virtually than you ever are physically. | ||
| And that you will eventually become a part of a fucking system. | ||
| Like, you'll become an emotional part. | ||
| Integrated. | ||
| Integrated, yeah. | ||
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A Borg. | |
| Yep, a Borg, for real. | ||
| Nuts, right? | ||
| Super possible. | ||
| Super possible. | ||
| That sounds like a way more evolved state. | ||
| Well, you've got to think, I mean, we're hanging on to these goddamn emotions, these things that make us fly planes into buildings, and these things that make us want to, you know, jack other people, and I was reading CNN today, and that guy in, I believe it's Liberia? | ||
| Charles Taylor? | ||
| Yeah, he got convicted. | ||
| Yeah, they were saying, send a message to the other tyrants, I ain't going to send shit for a message. | ||
| Yeah, how is that? | ||
| By the time you're even close to getting overthrown, you've already done enough shit to get tried for. | ||
| Yeah, I never even heard of this Charles Taylor guy. | ||
| Oh, he's one of the worst. | ||
| He just didn't have a good name. | ||
| That was his only problem. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He snuck through being Charles Taylor and just fucked that country up. | ||
| Fucked up Liberia. | ||
| Civil War for years. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| What was his exact crime? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably killing people. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably killing people. | ||
| Maybe he jaywalked back and forth like a billion times in a row. | ||
| Was his name Charles Taylor? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend Jesse, I have a few friends from there, from Liberia, from college. | ||
| They were just saying it just ruined everything. | ||
| The infrastructure was just ruined by the Civil War. | ||
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Ugh. | |
| The whole story of Liberia is so crazy, and we've mentioned this before, but if you haven't heard the episode, please go and check out Vice Guide to Liberia. | ||
| You want to see what's up with Liberia. | ||
| Holy shit, was that fascinating. | ||
| He went? | ||
| Yeah, he went. | ||
| Shane went. | ||
| They're trying to get tourism back. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| You've got to see this guy's... | ||
| Video. | ||
| Vice Guide to Liberia is one of the best pieces of online journalism I've ever seen. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| They went into Liberia. | ||
| They explained everything. | ||
| They showed these brothels where it's like a dollar or something like that or 25 cents. | ||
| I mean, something ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, it shows how scary it is there. | ||
| They talked to that general butt-naked guy, the guy who was telling them about how they would kill the enemy's babies and eat their flesh. | ||
| He's telling them this. | ||
| I mean, he's talking about how we would kill the flesh and eat the flesh of the innocent child that would make us invincible. | ||
| And he would fight naked. | ||
| He called them general butt naked because he would go to war naked. | ||
| He would shoot people while he was naked. | ||
| Yeah, he's responsible for the deaths of thousands and thousands of people, personally. | ||
| Absolutely responsible. | ||
| And he became a Christian. | ||
| And when he became a Christian, they forgave him. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes, he's a preacher. | ||
| And they forgave him for all of his murders because he found the Lord. | ||
| Wow, it's the Christianity teachers, right? | ||
| It's a crazy story. | ||
| Wash it clean if you're sorry for it. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean the fact that he was able to kill and eat babies and they don't even want him in jail. | ||
| Yeah, he would kill and eat innocent children. | ||
| Because he had a change of heart soon enough. | ||
| Yeah, he found the Lord. | ||
| Well, if it's just for rehab, then he's already rehabbed. | ||
| Yeah, I guess he's out. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| He feels bad. | ||
| He feels totally bad for eating all those babies. | ||
| I don't think it was because he was hungry. | ||
| He only did it because he wanted to be invincible. | ||
| To be invincible, you had to do something unbelievably heinous. | ||
| In times of war, you had to be willing to eat the enemy's children. | ||
| You get their energy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, you're committing so far to terror and horror that you would probably be, I mean, the berserker mentality that they must have had to be able to do that to innocent children. | ||
| I mean, just to be completely inhuman like that. | ||
| And then the fact that this guy, all he has to do is just learn about some old stuff and learn about Jesus and find the Word of God. | ||
| And everyone's like, all right, we're going to let you go, dude. | ||
| I know you feel bad. | ||
| You're a priest now. | ||
| I mean, what are you... | ||
| I mean, that is a crazy place to live. | ||
| Is there one of those priests that he can't have sex with women or he can? | ||
| Oh yeah, he can fuck. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Most priests are allowed, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Half and half? | ||
| No, most priests aren't, I think, right? | ||
| Are not allowed? | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is in Catholicism. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| Catholicism, I know, is the one. | ||
| Yeah, Catholicism is nothing. | ||
| You're not allowed to fuck anybody. | ||
| No fucking. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Period. | ||
| But I think that's the only one that requires you to be completely celibate, right? | ||
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Yeah. | |
| Oh yeah, other ones just so you have to be married. | ||
| Monks aren't, right? | ||
| Buddhist monks are not supposed to fuck. | ||
| That makes sense though. | ||
| They go without talking too, right? | ||
| They had this interview with the Dalai Lama recently. | ||
| It's funny that everybody's listening to this dude. | ||
| It was a real weird thing. | ||
| They asked him about women. | ||
| He's like, yeah, sometimes I'm attracted to women, but then I think, oh, it's so much work and I can't do this. | ||
| Dalai Lama says that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I love his Twitter. | ||
| I always check out his photos. | ||
| Yeah, he really is a cool guy, I think. | ||
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Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| He's all positive. | ||
| Dalai Lama? | ||
| I mean, his argument about being in relationships, he's like... | ||
| Oh, I can't. | ||
| It's too much trouble. | ||
| There's a lot of trouble. | ||
| I mean, he's right in a lot of ways. | ||
| So he has sex, though. | ||
| He would go have a relationship. | ||
| I don't think he ever has. | ||
| I think that's the point. | ||
| Who's the Dalai Lama? | ||
| Where did he come from? | ||
| I think he was born the Dalai Lama. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, it's one of those things where you're sort of... | ||
| I think he's like the 16th or something like that. | ||
| What it is is beyond ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, it's not. | ||
| He's just a dude. | ||
| I was thinking it was Gandhi. | ||
|
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|
He's a dude that's been like, oh, Gandhi's a completely different guy from the Dalai Lama. | |
| Yes. | ||
| They should have met, though. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They would probably be friends, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't? | |
| Do we know that they didn't? | ||
| I wish they did. | ||
| Well, the Dalai Lama looks like he's old enough to have known Gandhi. | ||
| How old was Gandhi? | ||
| If there's a lot of Dalai Lamas, then there might have been one when he was around. | ||
| I'm sure they were friends. | ||
| When was Gandhi around? | ||
| 40s, 20s, 50s, 60s? | ||
| I mean, in the 1900s, I think. | ||
| Did you see Adam or Jimmy Kimolko do the president's thing? | ||
| Yeah, what did he exactly say? | ||
| Can you pull it up? | ||
| Oh, dude, that was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said a bunch of stuff. | |
| Pull up the part about marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what I mean. | |
| Oh, yeah, that's so good. | ||
| He started if it was okay. | ||
| He started strong, then it went a little slow for a while, and then by the time I got to the marijuana, I was, like, tuned out already. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, it was, like, everything was just skirting over my head. | ||
| And then he ended strong. | ||
| No, it was just an uncomfortable situation. | ||
| He asked, like, how many people here have not smoked pot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, like, maybe a quarter of the crowd raised their hand. | ||
| And then I think he made his point from there. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| Play the shit out of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| No, this is the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I can find it. | ||
| Oh, I bet you can. | ||
| You're a fucking animal. | ||
| I'll watch you find it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not only for a sense of... ...the jackass. | |
| Which, no offense, sir, but I think you got the wrong West. | ||
| I think you meant Alan. | ||
| This is the boring part. | ||
| I don't know any of these guys. | ||
| George Clooney just hanging. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Members of the media, politicians, corporate executives, advertisers, lobbyists, and celebrities. | |
| Everything that is wrong with America is here in this room tonight. | ||
| Unfortunately, the Speaker of the House, John Bain, was on my glass, I think, from last year. | ||
| Nancy Pelosi believes in lipstick the same way she believes in government. | ||
| Too much is never enough. | ||
| This was so, so far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how he was discovered. | |
| Some people say Mitt Romney won't be elected president because he's... | ||
| What are you doing, Brian? | ||
| Let it play. | ||
| Let it play a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the end, Rick Santorum may not have won the nomination, but he succeeded in getting his message out, not just to Americans, but to people all aflat the world. | |
| Ron Paul is still in there. | ||
| He's still sticking with it. | ||
| to me ron paul looks like the guy who gets unhooded at the end of every scooby-doo episode it's great to see the gingriches here tonight because i guess that means the check cleared Oh, shit. | ||
| He's broke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nude, I have a question. | |
| How can you be against gay marriage when you yourself are the son of two gay parents? | ||
| The Michelin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. | ||
| I don't understand politicians who are against gay marriage. | ||
| I don't understand anyone who's against gay marriage. | ||
| And when you really think about it, aren't all marriages kind of gay? | ||
| I mean, as a man when you get married, essentially what you're saying is, I will never touch another woman as long as I live. | ||
| Now let's put jewelry on each other and dance. | ||
| Not that it's any of my business, Mr. Gingrich, but why are you waiting until Tuesday to drop out of this? | ||
| Just do it now. | ||
| It's time to mid or get off the pot. | ||
| The election process has changed a lot over the last 10 years. | ||
| As you know, the president finally gave in... | ||
| This is the bad part. | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The short-changing of it. | |
| But you know what? | ||
| You know what's really good is there's an Olive Garden joke in it. | ||
| Did you hear that? | ||
| No. | ||
| See if we can get to the pot part. | ||
| Put it on mute until everybody raised our hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just watch for it. | |
| Supercommittees are to committees. | ||
| What super cuts is to cuts. | ||
| This isn't it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
TV in 2000. | |
| The list of Madison. | ||
| Let's take a quick poll. | ||
| He's so good at this, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Raise your hand if you've never smoked pot. | |
| There you go. | ||
| Look at Brit Hume. | ||
| He's high right now. | ||
| He's on his fourth almond macaroon. | ||
| Mr. President, I hope you don't think I'm out of line here, but marijuana is something that real people care about, and the fact that you believe Speaker Boehner, when he tells you he still has control of his party, leads me to believe that you must be smoking some crazy great weed yourself. | ||
| Woody Harrelson just woke up. | ||
| As we know now, last year at this dinner, President Obama had his team on the way to kill Osama Bin Laden. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's so good at that, man. | ||
| That guy is, uh, he's, in my opinion, I think he's the best talk show host alive. | ||
| Yeah, he's pretty fun. | ||
| He's the best at, like, weaving between, like, this sort of a subtle, you know he's fucking around, like, way of talking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With, like, being, like, a very, but a very professional, expressive announcer. | ||
| It's like, He's so good at it, man. | ||
| I've got a few times to watch because Barris does a warm-up, so I'll just stand on the side. | ||
| I don't think he gets the credit he deserves. | ||
| I think Jimmy Kimmel's the best talk show host in the country. | ||
| The other ones are all done, right? | ||
| I still love Letterman because to me, Letterman is just a staple. | ||
| I'll watch the one great interview that he'll do once a year. | ||
| He's got so much history. | ||
| Letterman is so good. | ||
| He's so quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's been around for so long. | ||
| And I think Jon Stewart too. | ||
| I don't watch him anymore. | ||
| Jon Stewart is so committed to politics and that political show that I don't watch it as much maybe as I would if it was just like if Jon Stewart had his own show instead of just The Daily Show. | ||
| But I think he's also one of the best. | ||
| Magic goes on there all the time now. | ||
| Yeah, Al Magical is like one of the... | ||
| What do they have him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Correspondents. | |
| Correspondents, yeah. | ||
| Al Magical is the shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he is. | |
| He's such a great guy. | ||
| Yeah, that guy is the best, too. | ||
| I mean, I think he's the best at political stuff, for sure. | ||
| I think Colbert, that fucking tongue-in-cheek thing he does, it's like, how does he keep this going? | ||
| That's more a character to me. | ||
| I know, but I don't understand how he keeps it going, to take the opposite approach, the opposite side, in order to mock that opposite side. | ||
| He must be smart as fuck. | ||
| He must be smart as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure he is. | ||
| We're talking about the airplanes landing in Israel. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| We're talking about his wife getting pulled over in Israel. | ||
| Oh, Brian's girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You said wife. | ||
| You scared the shit out of me. | ||
| I'm like, Brian, what'd you do? | ||
| I got married. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Dude, you, your girl that you were seeing, went to Israel by herself, you were saying? | ||
| Yeah, she decided she wanted to... | ||
| She does that. | ||
| She likes to travel. | ||
| So she wanted to go to a yoga retreat in Israel, which is one of these places that you go to just relax. | ||
| It's kind of like a... | ||
| Yeah, but it's a place you can live there also if you help out there. | ||
| It's like, I guess, a temple. | ||
| Rancho Relaxo. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Rancho Relaxo. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| That's from The Simpsons. | ||
| I forget the name of it. | ||
| Some Jewish name. | ||
| It's called Rancho Relaxo from that one. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What Jewish? | ||
| Oh, like with the mud in a lot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Dead Sea? | ||
| Yeah, what's it called? | ||
| The Dead Sea? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's some company that's there. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So anyway, she goes to Israel for some crazy yoga retreat. | ||
| And so because she bought her ticket last second and because she was going by herself, I guess she's not Jewish. | ||
| And I guess it's at a time of war, kind of. | ||
| It's kind of war-y right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
War-y. | |
| Always. | ||
| And, like, so they took her luggage for, like, three or four days, and she had to buy all new clothes, and they thought she was, you know, got questioned up and down, you know, and I guess they really thought that she was some kind of, like, you know, terrorist thing. | ||
| There was a girl who was a Jewish photographer, and she was over in Israel, and she was taking pictures. | ||
| Any Libras? | ||
| No, of artwork, like Palestinian graffiti. | ||
| And since she had a photo of it on her laptop, the guys at Israel, their version of TSA, they shot her laptop. | ||
| What? | ||
| They shot it? | ||
| They fucking shot it, and they gave it back to her. | ||
| They blew a hole in her laptop. | ||
| Put a bullet through it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can they just take out the hard drive and go, all right, here's your laptop back? | ||
| No. | ||
| Where do they shoot it? | ||
| They shot it in the back. | ||
| She heard, ba-bang! | ||
| And then the guy comes out and gives her a laptop, and it's got a bullet hole in it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just... | |
| It's really weird. | ||
| Well, I think he's trying to let her know, like... | ||
| You know, I don't think he knew that she was a journalist. | ||
| I think he probably thought she was someone that was seeing this and she was taking pictures of it like she thought it was funny or cool or whatever. | ||
| For whatever disrespectful reason, this chick had it on her laptop in his eyes. | ||
| And he was like, oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You like looking at that? | ||
| You like looking at someone talking shit about us? | ||
| So he fucking... | ||
| So he just randomly looked at it, saw Palestinian graffiti, and shot it? | ||
| No, he checked all her stuff. | ||
| And as he's checking her laptop, he went through all of her photographs. | ||
| And as he's going through her photographs, he saw this anti-Semitic graffiti that she had photographs of. | ||
| So he closes it, pushes it aside, and fucking shoots it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty intense. | ||
| I just know how she travels, though. | ||
| I know that she probably had at least 20 to 30 different vibrators or dildos or sex toys in there. | ||
| So I wonder if they thought all that shit was some kind of weapon. | ||
| So I could just imagine all these Jewish guys with these big vibrators just like, I think it's okay. | ||
| It's not the Orthodox Jews that are watching people. | ||
| No, they search everybody there. | ||
| There's such a massive difference between Jews in America and Jews in Israel. | ||
| There's really, it's like... | ||
| They have those Hasidic ones there, too, that are the same. | ||
| Those are the same? | ||
| Yeah, Hasidics and Hasidics. | ||
| She said she went right to the beach, and it was just dirty and scary. | ||
| And then she went to a couple of the places, and it was just really freaky, because there was people walking around with machine guns. | ||
| And then she said there was a lot of gay people in one of the cities, because I guess that's just a new thing there. | ||
| Gays is a new thing? | ||
| Gay people go there, I guess. | ||
| It was a big city. | ||
| Tel Aviv is a gigantic city. | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| That's where she landed? | ||
| Tel Aviv? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| The beaches are not dangerous, by the way. | ||
| People with machine guns are army people that are there all the time. | ||
| It's cool to get used to. | ||
| It takes some time to get used to. | ||
| How long did you live in Israel for? | ||
| Two years, two and a half years. | ||
| Two and a half years. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| What was it like for you? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It's such a beautiful country. | ||
| And Jerusalem's all built out of stone, pretty much. | ||
| I mean, old Jerusalem. | ||
| And everywhere, it's just like, yeah, things are great. | ||
| Everybody sort of knows each other a little bit. | ||
| Not like completely, but they're all... | ||
| I mean, until recently, you get hitchhiked everywhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In between places, you just tell... | ||
| Completely different now, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, the Intifada's changed things. | ||
| What is the Intifada? | ||
| The uprising. | ||
| The Palestinian uprising. | ||
| That's what they call it? | ||
| The Intifada? | ||
| Yeah, that's what they call it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What is the issue? | ||
| Giving up land? | ||
| What's the actual issue? | ||
| The actual issue is Palestinians started, and their chief tenet was, we want to drive the Israelis into the sea. | ||
| And they're never going to give up on that. | ||
| That was in their books. | ||
| That's what they wanted. | ||
| Drive them into the sea? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We will never rest until all the Israelis are driven into the oceans. | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| So in the meantime, you have to figure out a way to appease enough of them to give them the right amount of land and let the other ones not keep going to war with them. | ||
| So when you say that it's in their book, is it in one of their religious books? | ||
| No, the PLO when they started, that was one of their... | ||
| Palestinian Liberation Organization. | ||
| And that was linked to a lot of terrorist shit in the 1970s, right? | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| The Munich, what's it called? | ||
| Yeah, the killings at the Olympic Games, right? | ||
| So what's the other side say? | ||
| What's their story? | ||
| If you talk to Sam Tripoli, what would he say? | ||
| Sam would say that he's Armenian and quit downplaying his struggle for the struggle of the Palestinians. | ||
| He goes, no one ever fucking respects the Armenians. | ||
| The Turks wiped them out. | ||
| It was the Turks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| The Armenian genocide, I didn't even hear about it until Manny Gamburian. | ||
| I was doing a fight. | ||
| He told you about it? | ||
| It was the anniversary of the Armenian genocide. | ||
| I'm honest. | ||
| I just didn't know about it. | ||
| I'm ignorant to it. | ||
| It was because only one million people died. | ||
| People were like, nah, get another word. | ||
| It's fucking incredible that there's been so many horrible things like that that have happened in the history of the world, rather. | ||
| You know, that this Armenian genocide could be something that I wasn't aware of. | ||
| Armenians hate Turks. | ||
| They hate them. | ||
| Well, when I was a kid, there was a kid that I used to train with who was, he was Turkish and they hated the Greeks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Greeks and Turkish hated each other. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| No, Pakistan and India hates each other. | ||
| Kibbutz. | ||
| I always thought it was so ridiculous. | ||
| It was like, really? | ||
| Turks and Greeks? | ||
| Really? | ||
| But in his eyes, man, it was like a serious conversation. | ||
| He was a smart kid, too. | ||
| Yeah, people get nationalistic. | ||
| I saw that Vlade Divac documentary about him and wherever he was from going to war, you know, internal strife. | ||
| Maybe Czechoslovakia or Hungary. | ||
| And his teammates were like all abandoned him because he wanted like unity and they wanted to break off. | ||
| And there was all these like... | ||
| People there that were like 25, 26, like waving the break-off flags and getting really passionate. | ||
| I'm like, well, I've never been into shit like that. | ||
| We were all just like video games or whatever else there was. | ||
| I can't imagine caring about politics enough. | ||
| You would if you were there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what if the East Coast was trying to break off and there was this nationalistic feel for the East Coast and we're different than them? | ||
| Would you get caught up in it when you were little? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| If you lived in that environment, it's likely you would. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| It's like being a Yankee fan. | ||
| It's so easy to imitate your atmosphere. | ||
| It's so easy to get sucked up in the wave of your atmosphere. | ||
| It's just so weird when you think about how much human behavior can vary from spot to spot. | ||
| We have no strife in SoCal. | ||
| Yeah, no dealing with the weather. | ||
| Our only problems are so many of us, and we need a lot of food. | ||
| Yeah, no war ever sees us. | ||
| Weed, food, food. | ||
| Yeah, your perspective here. | ||
| That's why someone like Paris Hilton can be so offensive to people in other parts of the world. | ||
| Someone who's just shallowly trying to attract attention to herself for no reason at all. | ||
| And when it's successful, it angers you. | ||
| It's like, why is this even projected in front of me in a time where people are just dying all over the place? | ||
| Is that why people are so angry at Paris Hilton? | ||
| Sure, that's one of the reasons, because it's just so vapid. | ||
| Because the idea behind wanting to be famous only for being famous is so vapid. | ||
| But there's enough other people who are into it. | ||
| That's why they keep it on, like that and the Kardashians. | ||
| The issue is, it opened up a whole new category of human being. | ||
| And that category of human being is the famous professional celebrity. | ||
| For no reason, celebrity. | ||
| The person who sneaks through the net and creates a whole new genre. | ||
| Essentially, Kim Kardashian is a reality celebrity. | ||
| But she's a hugely successful media personality, and she did it from being just a person who fucked a guy in a video. | ||
| I mean, the whole thing is really like... | ||
| And her dad was a lawyer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not only that, a famous lawyer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Incredible lawyer. | |
| A famous lawyer who got O.J. Simpson off. | ||
| But the whole thing behind it is that... | ||
| It's this weird desire to get attention for no reason other than that you want attention. | ||
| Not offering anything. | ||
| You just want people to look at you. | ||
| You're not trying to sing. | ||
| You just want people to follow you around. | ||
| A lot of people want that, but only some people get it. | ||
| I know, but it's so specific. | ||
| It must be so hard to arrange. | ||
| You're not trying to do anything. | ||
| I want to be famous. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I don't do anything. | ||
| But then people keep watching, so then you feel entitled. | ||
| You're like, well, I do great stuff. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What are these great things you do? | ||
| Well, she fucked on video. | ||
| I mean, really, that was the catalyst. | ||
| That's what started it all off. | ||
| So did Paris Hilton. | ||
| They both did the same thing. | ||
| They both fucked on video, and that got them in the spotlight. | ||
| They got them more in the spotlight. | ||
| But it's amazing, man. | ||
| It is really an amazing trick. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| It launched Paris Hilton from just a model to all those reality shows. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But Kim Kardashian as far eclipsed Paris Hilton, which is even more fantastic. | ||
| Because Paris Hilton now does interviews and they ask her, are you worried that your popularity might be waning? | ||
| And she got up and left and got pissed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, told her publicist. | ||
| Because she's done nothing to deserve it, so why would it go away? | ||
| Because I've still done nothing. | ||
| So how could it go away? | ||
| She's not thinking nearly as clearly as you. | ||
| She's thinking, why would it? | ||
| I'm still awesome. | ||
| She's better than Kardashian for me. | ||
| She's probably a fine person. | ||
| No, she is probably not a fine person. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| She's self-entitled. | ||
| There's no way she's probably a fine person. | ||
| I bet if she was sucking your cock, I think you'd have different... | ||
| I bet she'd be great at sucking dick. | ||
| I bet if you were hanging out with her, and maybe she's a little crazy, and she grew up weird, but... | ||
| Maybe she's a kind person. | ||
| I would give her a chance because I'd want that blowjob. | ||
| I think that'd be a real possibility. | ||
| I wouldn't be mean right away, but there's no way she's helping your life. | ||
| I wish she was enriching your life in any way. | ||
| That's maybe a 5% chance. | ||
| Maybe get her high on mushrooms and straighten her out, dude. | ||
| Maybe it's you. | ||
| Maybe it's Ari who can straighten the whole thing out. | ||
| Who better than the founder of Shroomfest? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Can we do our own talk at Shroomfest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| We've got a date now. | ||
| July 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. | ||
| Yeah, and by the way, ladies and gentlemen, you don't have to go anywhere for Stroomfest. | ||
| Yeah, Stroomfest comes to you. | ||
| The beautiful thing is Stroomfest is a trip. | ||
| And, oh, don't do it if it's illegal where you live. | ||
| We're talking shiitake, guys. | ||
| Oh, yeah, whatever. | ||
| Yeah, don't do it if it's illegal where you live. | ||
| We don't want you doing anything silly and going to jail. | ||
| You know what I heard? | ||
| In Amsterdam, they made them illegal because some kids jumped out of a building or something. | ||
| Yeah, that's like that Bill Hicks joke. | ||
| What? | ||
| Young man on acid. | ||
| Thought he could fly. | ||
| Jumped off the roof. | ||
| What a tragedy. | ||
| He goes, what a tragedy. | ||
| What a dick. | ||
| If he thought he could fly, why don't he start off on the ground first? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Why don't they all get a top story? | ||
| He goes, oh, we lost a moron. | ||
| The world got a little lighter. | ||
| That's a Hicks joke? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| J-R-U like a Hicks joke. | ||
| See? | ||
| It's one of his best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I would have to hear him say it. | ||
| He also had this, you never hear a positive drugstore in the news. | ||
| I don't want to butcher this because I don't want to paraphrase it. | ||
| But this young man on acid, you know, and it was a beautiful, positive message that he learned from acid. | ||
| He had a bunch of great, great drug jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just weird that he quit drugs so young and then died so young. | ||
| The human body is so fucking, for some folks, so fragile. | ||
| I've been reading about these people that get these weird fibers growing out of their skin. | ||
| Have you heard of this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What is that shit called again? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| I was introduced to it on, there was like one of those conspiracy theory shows, like those Jesse Ventura conspiracy theory shows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they were talking about... | ||
| Chemtrails. | ||
| It was Chemtrails. | ||
| Yeah, something to do with Chemtrails. | ||
| More jellings. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Let me pull this up. | ||
| And this one certain town in like California, like a lot of them have this shit. | ||
| And then what, people start growing fibers out of their skin? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It sounds like such X-Files shit. | ||
| It totally sounds like complete horse shit. | ||
| But the pictures are really bizarre, man. | ||
| There's like actual fiber that's coming out of their skin. | ||
| Like, look, Ari, come here, check this out. | ||
| For the audio listeners to describe it. | ||
| This is something of fiber that they pulled out of someone's skin that had this more gelance. | ||
| I mean, yeah, it looks like a sweater's growing inside of you. | ||
| It looks like a mosquito down in that picture. | ||
| Yeah, well that picture is pretty extreme. | ||
| That thing that goes around? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, what a fucking weird disease, man. | ||
| And no one knows what the hell that is. | ||
| I mean, these people, some of them have gloves on, and they have these fucking hairs that are growing all over their body. | ||
| It's a relatively new problem that seems to be growing in leaps and bounds throughout the U.S., even in other countries. | ||
| Although condition Morgellons possibly dates back to the 1600s, it's only been since 2002 that it's become a modern-day concern. | ||
| It probably has something to do with the Internet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like Wi-Fi signals. | ||
| Dude, we're growing wires. | ||
| Could you imagine if that was really what it is? | ||
| We're growing antennas. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You know how crazy that would be? | ||
| That's the next stage of development? | ||
| Autism and antennas. | ||
| And different people are moving different things. | ||
| We can't keep thinking that we're going to stay the way we are. | ||
| I know, but is this supposed to happen so slowly that you would never in one lifetime notice any change? | ||
| How do we know that? | ||
| You know, there's been a lot of discrepancies about how long it takes. | ||
| There's a lot of arguments and disagreements about how long it takes for an entity to evolve. | ||
| But one of the things they know is the Congo. | ||
| The Congo is kind of a crazy place where it used to be grasslands. | ||
| And then a rainforest essentially grew there really rapidly and over a period of 2,000 years became a dense, massive rainforest where it used to be grasslands. | ||
| So all these grasslands animals got trapped in the jungle and had to evolve. | ||
| They had to change. | ||
| And one of them, there's an antelope thing called a diker. | ||
| And how much time was this? | ||
| It fucking swims. | ||
| How much time is this? | ||
| Less than 2,000 years. | ||
| It swims underwater and eats fish. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| It's in the Ancelot family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a reindeer? | |
| I think it's called a diker. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It actually swims underwater and fucking eats fish. | ||
| It can swim underwater for 100 yards. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Where'd that come from? | ||
| I'll tell you why. | ||
| They had to figure out how to survive. | ||
| Let's say you grow a third eye, let's just say. | ||
| Somebody had to be the first pure person, as it slowly develops, to see through that eye. | ||
| Somebody's going to be the first guy to have that. | ||
| If something like that would mutate and happen and become a successful transition, yeah, someone would have to be the first. | ||
| Or at least have the first stubs of it. | ||
| Some people are born with a little stub of a tail. | ||
| Pigtail. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a pigtail. | ||
| But how come chimps don't have tails? | ||
| And we're supposed to be related to chimps. | ||
| Do chimps ever get... | ||
| Are they ever born with little tails? | ||
| Most of us don't have it, though. | ||
| No, very few of us have it. | ||
| I wonder if it's just a normal deformity, just a normal slip of... | ||
| If it's your brother's foot. | ||
| Can anybody move it? | ||
| Can anybody control it? | ||
| Like wag your tail? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be fucked. | ||
| Imagine if you were a person, you could wag your tail. | ||
| Actually, it was a cat tail. | ||
| Would you even want to take it off? | ||
| It's a cat tail, Jim. | ||
| Yeah, you'd probably find some weird pride out of it, but it's like it's not... | ||
| What if you had awesome bouts because of it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You know, what if you could do that Flying Wallenda shit, like, no problem, because you've got a cat. | ||
| Just because of that? | ||
| You know, cats have the most ridiculous balance, man. | ||
| I've tried to push cats off of, like, banisters. | ||
| I'm like, get off that banister, bitch. | ||
| And the cat's like, oh, not that easy. | ||
| All the way off, like a weeble wobble, then right back up. | ||
| Yeah, it slides sideways on a banister. | ||
| Did you see that video of the chimp versus the cat UFC match? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, it's badass. | ||
| Google it sometime. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's a little monkey and a cat fighting. | ||
| Are they really fighting or are they playing? | ||
| They're playing, but the cats have really good jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Oh, they grab around. | ||
| Cats are, you know, we're just comfortable with them because they're really tiny. | ||
| They're all feral in Israel. | ||
| All cats? | ||
| Yeah, they brought them in. | ||
| Yeah, nobody has them as pets because they're so fucking disgusting. | ||
| They brought them in to hunt the rats. | ||
| And they just took them over? | ||
| Yeah, then they had no natural enemies. | ||
| You guys should kill them off because I bet you got toxoplasma like a motherfucker. | ||
| They're all out. | ||
| They're just out. | ||
| They're dead by the side of the road. | ||
| They're just everywhere. | ||
| They're like a problem. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like feral cats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're tough, too. | |
| They're tough. | ||
| Mean, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Feral cats are little monsters. | ||
| Get away. | ||
| Yeah, they'll fuck you up, dude. | ||
| And they'll jump at you, too. | ||
| If you corner a feral cat, man, be fucking... | ||
| I don't think I've ever seen one. | ||
| Or maybe I just thought it was just a normal cat that was just crazy. | ||
| Well, feral cats are just wild cats. | ||
| It's an amazing difference, the way they behave. | ||
| Like farm cats? | ||
| Are you talking about farm cats? | ||
| Sure, farm cats can be feral, too. | ||
| Farm cats are just retarded. | ||
| They get straight up on walls, feel so high. | ||
| Like, how are you going to get up there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Feral cats are... | ||
| I had a feral kitten, and they only will connect themselves to one or two people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They really hate people. | ||
| I was the only person that this cat could, like, trust enough to pick up. | ||
| Like the horse is enough to pick up? | ||
| I could never... | ||
| If something was wrong with him, I could never bring him to a vet. | ||
| You couldn't... | ||
| No one could take care of him but me. | ||
| No one could even hold him but me. | ||
| And I got him because a friend of mine, she was living in this apartment building, and her and her boyfriend found them underneath the house. | ||
| They found, like, a... | ||
| A whole litter of kittens. | ||
| And apparently the mother had died or something like that. | ||
| It was a wild cat and she gave birth. | ||
| So they captured all the kittens. | ||
| And then they started trying to find homes for them. | ||
| And I said, oh, that's such a crazy story. | ||
| I've got to take home. | ||
| So I took it and I had to stay in a room with it for two days. | ||
| Because it was so crazy and so nuts. | ||
| To get it comfortable with me, I had to be next to it for two days. | ||
| So I just put a room in my house, my guest room. | ||
| I put a litter box in there, put his cat food in there, and put a couple notebooks and some books. | ||
| Notebooks? | ||
| Yeah, so I can write shit down. | ||
| And then I'll do some reading and just hang out with this fucking cat for a couple days. | ||
| To get it comfortable with you. | ||
| Yeah, so that's what I did for two days. | ||
| Every time I'd go near... | ||
| He would fucking climb up the curtains, climb up the curtains and go fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'd go, calm down little buddy, calm down, calm down. | |
| And then I'd touch him and then he would start purring and purring, like really loud. | ||
| He went from abject fear and terror to purring so loudly or so happy that I'm actually taking care of him. | ||
| He didn't know what's going on. | ||
| He doesn't know why this big giant pink thing. | ||
| He turned it out pretty much. | ||
| Well, I had to turn him into my buddy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I was the only one that could touch him. | ||
| Everyone else would be so skittish around. | ||
| And even me, if I'd come up to him, I had to take him to the vet once, and this was a really bad time, man. | ||
| It was fucking bad. | ||
| This cat jacked my arm. | ||
| I had to throw a towel over him and tackle him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was fighting, man. | ||
| He was fighting. | ||
| And then I brought him to the vet, and I told him, I go, listen, man, this cat is feral. | ||
| Like, don't worry, we've had 25 years here. | ||
| I gave them that cat. | ||
| And they said, well, you weren't kidding when you said he was feral. | ||
| I go, yeah, it's a feral cat, man. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't kidding. | ||
| He goes, that cat is the craziest cat we've ever had in here. | ||
| I go, yeah, that's a wild cat. | ||
| Big, black, crazy cat. | ||
| Did anybody tell me what my dad did in the army with the kittens? | ||
| What? | ||
| They had to make him raise. | ||
| I wonder if Will Ferrell... | ||
| Hold on, you gotta listen to the story. | ||
| They made him raise. | ||
| My dad was in special... | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| Special Forces? | ||
| Yeah, back then. | ||
| And what they do is they make you learn how to take care of things, just so you can know how to care for your other GIs or whatever. | ||
| So they give you a kitten, just like they give you that egg to care for in middle school. | ||
| They give you a kitten, you've got to raise it for two weeks or a month. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| And you've got to make sure nothing goes wrong with it. | ||
| If something goes wrong with it, if it gets sick, you're in trouble. | ||
| In addition to running all your laps and doing everything and doing all your regular chores. | ||
| And at the end of two weeks, you have to present this healthy kitten. | ||
| And then once you present a healthy kitten, they go, okay, now snap its neck. | ||
| And they make you snap its neck right there so they can shut you off and turn you into a machine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| After you've cared for it for two weeks, kill it with your bare hands. | ||
| Not even, like, give it up for adoption. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What was the story in the Bible where God was telling someone to kill his son? | ||
| Abraham. | ||
| What was the story behind that? | ||
| It was a test. | ||
| To kill Isaac. | ||
| To kill Isaac. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| Was it not his firstborn? | ||
| Was Isaac his firstborn? | ||
| And then... | ||
| This is when the split-off happened between the Arabs and the Jews. | ||
| It was right then. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because Isaac's brother was technically the firstborn, so he should have gotten the birthright, and the Jews say that he didn't. | ||
| It went to Isaac and then Jacob. | ||
| Okay, so God said to Abraham, I want you to kill Isaac. | ||
| Yeah, so he takes him to this mountain. | ||
| His son. | ||
| Yeah, take your son. | ||
| He takes him to this mountain, puts him up on an altar. | ||
| Yeah, and then he goes to raise a knife over his head. | ||
| And God sent a sign. | ||
| He sent a ram, which is a normal thing you sacrifice. | ||
| He sent a ram right then. | ||
| And that was a sign. | ||
| Even though rams were indigenous to that area at the time, it was definitely a sign from God. | ||
| Some retard God who couldn't fucking get his full words out. | ||
| So he just had to ram. | ||
| And that obviously means don't kill your son. | ||
| Kill this ram instead and then blow the horn once or twice a year. | ||
| Because that's so obvious. | ||
| That's what it means. | ||
| Because he couldn't have just said, hey, don't kill your son. | ||
| And that's a good enough sign. | ||
| He had to send a ram to walk by. | ||
| You're so crazy. | ||
| Such stupid idiot shit once you realize, once you get older. | ||
| Imagine if you were a little kid and you got sent to Israel to study this 10-12 hours a day like I already did. | ||
| I mean, you'd probably be pretty passionate about it. | ||
| How are we supposed to take that for granted? | ||
| He sent a sign. | ||
| It was a ram walked by. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a sign, obviously. | ||
| How crazy was he that he was about to kill his kid? | ||
| Kill his son. | ||
| Because God wanted him to. | ||
| And then the issue became like, while we were still religious, the issue became like, well, why would God command that? | ||
| Why would that be a test for him? | ||
| Why would you do it? | ||
| You knew if he was able to. | ||
| If there was a test, you're God. | ||
| You knew he was going to be able to. | ||
| Why wouldn't you just say, okay, good, you're up for it? | ||
| You would know more than anybody about how much of what you read when you were reading the Talmud, how much of what you read had been translated several times? | ||
| How many times had it been translated before it got to when you're reading in modern-day Hebrew? | ||
| How many times has it been transferred to get to that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, the Torah is written exactly the same as it always was. | ||
| Always? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you read it in ancient Hebrew? | ||
| Yeah, even with the same shapes of the letters. | ||
| Is it the Old Testament that's different? | ||
| Yeah, and then the Talmud, that was handed down like orally for a while. | ||
| And they were afraid it was going to get lost because of some dispersion, so they wrote it down. | ||
| The oldest versions of the Bible are the ancient Hebrew versions, except for the Dead Sea Scrolls, which is not technically considered the Bible, even though some of the stories are similar. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not 100% on those. | ||
| So they said that the oldest versions were in ancient Hebrew, that the real problem was when they translated it to Greek and Latin, they said that they only knew like three quarters of the words in ancient Hebrew. | ||
| Yeah, the specific meanings to words, they don't know all those because some of those words didn't make it to modern Hebrew and they don't really have a good lineage to say like where was this exact word. | ||
| Like if I said, let's just say gently or lovingly, They could mean the same thing in certain times. | ||
| I gently said whatever. | ||
| I lovingly said. | ||
| It's similar. | ||
| But there's differences. | ||
| And that's why we have two different words. | ||
| When was this transition between ancient Hebrew and modern Hebrew? | ||
| Probably during the dispersion. | ||
| We got cast out to all different. | ||
| That's when we got white Jews and black Jews after that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What year was that? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| And so Israel or the Jews, the modern Jews, they kept the certain modern version of Hebrew. | ||
| Yeah, it was like 4,000 years ago, probably something like that. | ||
| But you guys also have numbers, which... | ||
| No, they brought it back. | ||
| They brought it back? | ||
| They brought it back ancient Hebrew? | ||
| Well, sort of a modern Hebrew, I guess, but they just sort of made it. | ||
| When they decided, like, what should our language be? | ||
| And they're like, let's bring Hebrew. | ||
| It was a dead language. | ||
| Oh, it was a dead language. | ||
| Yeah, and Ben-Gurion and all those people said... | ||
| When was this? | ||
| 1948, 47. Holy shit! | ||
| Hebrew was a dead language in 1948? | ||
| Yeah, nobody was speaking it. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| Nobody was speaking it. | ||
| And there's some people that treat it as holy. | ||
| It's a little much. | ||
| But they treat it as holy and they won't speak it. | ||
| They'll only speak Yiddish during the week. | ||
| And then Shabbat, boom. | ||
| That's when you hit them with the Hebrew. | ||
| And what is Yiddish? | ||
| What's the difference between Yiddish and Hebrew? | ||
| Yiddish is a sort of weird bastardized mixture. | ||
| It's like Southern talk, Creole. | ||
| It's like not quite English. | ||
| This is a mixture of Hebrew and like Germanic mixed with whatever country you're from. | ||
| When you hear like Yiddish chicks talk, does it get you hard? | ||
| There's no such thing as Yiddish chicks. | ||
| No, because anyone talks that's old. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| That's only old talk? | ||
| Old and Jewish, yeah. | ||
| Nobody talks like that anymore. | ||
| How much is different in that and modern Hebrew? | ||
| Yiddish? | ||
| It's mostly German. | ||
| So do most kids understand it? | ||
| Like Israeli kids? | ||
| I think more German kids get it better. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, it's so incredible when you stop and think about how many different languages there are. | ||
| Oh yeah, and they all developed somewhat similarly. | ||
| And how long was it before they actually started writing shit down? | ||
| How long did they have language before they actually wrote things down? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I've read- Maybe a while before they put signs to it. | ||
| Probably tens of thousands of years. | ||
| Then it didn't happen the other way. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know how long the first written language was, but I don't believe it was more than 10,000 years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is really like nothing. | ||
| It's kind of crazy. | ||
| It kind of hurts your head when you stop and think about it. | ||
| That's as long as we've been able to communicate without being there? | ||
| Trying to put your head around that. | ||
| This is what I would always use as an example if I was in a crowd. | ||
| Say if I was doing a comedy show and there was 100 people in the audience. | ||
| I would say... | ||
| What you guys represent, if you lived your lives birth to death, it's just a little room, a little tiny group of people, of a hundred people, but what you represent in terms of potential life... | ||
| One person lived his whole life, the next person was born. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If they lived their lives birth to death to the max, which is like a hundred years, which is the most anybody ever lives, they represent 10,000 years. | ||
| Yeah, and that's as long as... | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| That's as long as we know about human beings. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But like 4,000 years ago when we got the Bible around then. | ||
| That's right, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100 people. | ||
| That's when not everyone was like Bedouins. | ||
| And we lived 100 years. | ||
| Isn't that 10,000? | ||
| 100 people living 100 years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100 people living 10 is 1,000. | ||
| Yeah, 10,000. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's incredible, man. | ||
| Stop and think about that. | ||
| 10,000 years ago. | ||
| And it's just a little tiny room full of people living their lives birth to death represents the distance between us of today and nothing written. | ||
| I have three math jokes. | ||
| Yours is way better than all three of those. | ||
| Three what jokes? | ||
| Math jokes. | ||
| I call them math jokes where there's numbers involved so they actually have to think before they laugh. | ||
| That's not really a math joke, but it's a what the fuck thinking thing. | ||
| If you want to check his math, it takes you a second. | ||
| I've been really getting into Game of Thrones. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's good? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's the best show I've ever watched. | ||
| I watched the whole, but it's like, I love that kind of shit. | ||
| I love that Conan the Barbarian type swords and sorcery type shit. | ||
| I love that stuff. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| So I'm enjoying the fuck out of it. | ||
| But it's making me think, I mean, although obviously this is a work of, you know, fantasy fiction, it makes me think of what it must have been like, you know, if you had to live like these people lived. | ||
| You know, with swords on horses. | ||
| I mean, there was a time where people actually lived like that. | ||
| That is how they hunted. | ||
| They used bows and arrows. | ||
| They did live in these houses. | ||
| They did have castles, and they did have armies, and they did have moats. | ||
| I mean, these are all realistic, you know, realistic It's hard to wrap your head around how short of a distance it is between that time when people lived like in the Robin Hood days and today. | ||
| It's like nothing. | ||
| You know what would be cool though? | ||
| It would still be cool having like, hey, I got these new silver horseshoes. | ||
| Have you seen these things? | ||
| Silver horseshoes? | ||
| It's a different color. | ||
| Even though you lived back in those days, people were still making new things up, but the things were different. | ||
| They'd make up a new thing every 140 years. | ||
| Then one new thing would come. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure there was little things here and there though, just like everything. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure there was a few interventions. | ||
| That was so lame! | ||
| Like, when they got Chinese finger traps, they were blown away by that! | ||
| It was a party favor. | ||
| I bet the blacksmith back then was like the apple. | ||
| Like, he would come in the community, look at this thing I made. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, this is a new nail for your face. | |
| Well, they were artisans. | ||
| That's something that's really getting lost. | ||
| You know, we talked about that when Aubrey was on here last, we talked about that Musashi documentary. | ||
| What about things getting lost? | ||
| No, it was, they showed how they used to make samurai swords, and there's a few people alive that still make them that way today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I mean, you have to be the ultimate craftsman. | ||
| I mean, if you and I were left alone to figure it out on our own for a million years, we'd never figure out how to make a fucking samurai sword. | ||
| The way they do it is so incredible. | ||
| They hammer it down, then they fold it over, and then they hammer it down. | ||
| They keep flattening it and hammering it and flattening it and hammering it until it becomes this intense steel that you can just fucking slice through bamboo. | ||
| It's really amazing watching the artisan work, the craftsmanship, and the knowledge passed down through generations and generations of how to make a sword. | ||
| You know, when you stop and think about it, it's like, how many people are out there in the world today that know how to make anything even remotely like that? | ||
| Everything we're buying that's manufactured is manufactured in some sort of a factory. | ||
| And if you're going to buy a sword, this is a big machine that's going to cut it and make it with a computer and a laser and shit. | ||
| There's not going to be some Japanese dude in flip-flops with wooden bottom shoes. | ||
| Melting rocks. | ||
| It's wild to watch, man. | ||
| It's wild to watch what people... | ||
| Used to have to do to make something. | ||
| It really makes you appreciate how ridiculously easy it is to live to it. | ||
| People are like, I like it better the other way. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| How do you make metal? | ||
| You just melt rocks, right? | ||
| Or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, you have to have... | ||
| It's in the rocks. | ||
| To make steel, you have to add things to it, too. | ||
| It's not just iron. | ||
| No, to make steel, I think you have to... | ||
| We should actually look that up. | ||
| Back in the Disney, what did they do? | ||
| They just took some rocks and... | ||
| Well, they had to heat things up. | ||
| They had to heat them up. | ||
| They had to mine the metal. | ||
| They had to heat it up. | ||
| There's big ore. | ||
| Is there pockets of metal in the ground? | ||
| They have to add stuff to the steel. | ||
| They have to add stuff to iron. | ||
| It's an alloy, technically, it says, according to Wikipedia. | ||
| Made by combining iron and another element, usually carbon. | ||
| And when carbon is used, its content in the steel is between 0.2% and 2.1% by weight, dependent upon the grade. | ||
| Who figured that out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That was given to us. | ||
| So I guess they had to add shit. | ||
| Someone else was like, why don't you add carbon? | ||
| The first guy was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I mean, that's been around for a long-ass time, too. | ||
| So who was the first person that somebody told somebody? | ||
| That doesn't seem like that makes sense. | ||
| That's alien technology. | ||
| You know what the craziest shit in the world is? | ||
| What? | ||
| Steel cable. | ||
| Who would have ever found some metal in the ground and thought for a second that someone is going to take this shit and have so much of it that they're going to have a fucking 5,000 foot long cable made of steel and they're going to use that to suspend giant beams that weigh several hundred tons over an ocean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you looking like steel cable? | ||
| Steel cable is crazy. | ||
| Someone figured out how to take metal, pull it out of the ground, and stretch that shit. | ||
| It's hard! | ||
| It's hard! | ||
|
unidentified
|
How the fuck are you... | |
| How is it moving around? | ||
| How are you making cables out of this? | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| They figured out how to not just make it, but make it so it's big enough to pull boats. | ||
| You can have giant, huge ones that are wider around than your body is. | ||
| And that's a cable. | ||
| We just said, take it for granted. | ||
| Well, I'm going to just get a cable and put a winch on the front of my Jeep in case I get stuck out there while I'm four-wheeling. | ||
| You know, people, they have winches and shit so they can pull cars out. | ||
| They like to be the cool guy who can pull you out of a ditch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Is that steel cable? | ||
| If you're driving in the mud. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking steel cable. | ||
| That winch is steel cable, man. | ||
| If you get caught up in that, it's just going to snap your arm off. | ||
| Oh my god, yeah. | ||
| It'll rip your body apart. | ||
| Steel cable, they can pick up trees with that shit. | ||
| You can put a winch on. | ||
| It depends on the power of the winch. | ||
| But if it's a good winch, you can pull hundreds of pounds. | ||
| That's why black guys like it so much. | ||
| I always hear them taking it from buildings. | ||
| Stealing cables? | ||
| Oh yeah, that's the little cable. | ||
| Stealing. | ||
| You silly bitch. | ||
| No, steel cable. | ||
| Like, you don't pay for it, Brian. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Not like steel cables. | ||
| Think about the first guy who invented wires. | ||
| Who figured out how to stretch out some metal so far? | ||
| Think about the real heroes. | ||
| Like the first guy to actually steal cable. | ||
| Somebody fucking figure that out and then share that information with people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was easy. | |
| I remember I used to have... | ||
| Everybody did. | ||
| Who figured that out though? | ||
| There was a guy that lived in the neighborhood that would leave up a thing when satellite dishes first came out. | ||
| He would leave up like on telephone poles. | ||
| This is how gangster it was in 1993. He'd leave up a phone number and it would say, you know, fix your satellite box to catch any channel. | ||
| And so you would give this guy your card and then he would come back and bring the card back to you and it was doctored. | ||
| And the card could get everything. | ||
| It got every pay-per-view movie, every porn, everything that happened it would get, but it would never work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It would work for like a day. | ||
| I know those things work where they said they would send a signal to fuck it up. | ||
| Yeah, they crush it. | ||
| And then it just got to a silly point where I think me and my roommate were like, why are we doing this? | ||
| Let's just pay for this fucking thing. | ||
| We didn't want this stuff. | ||
| So we can actually have a TV on. | ||
| This is so stupid. | ||
| I saw it at the barbershop in Atlanta. | ||
| The guys had hacked their Apple TV, and it had every single channel, HBO, every movie that was in the theaters. | ||
| It was just like, watch now, watch now. | ||
| And it was set up so cool. | ||
| I forgot all about it, but whatever it is, you can live off of just that. | ||
| It had streaming channels. | ||
| It had Ustream channel. | ||
| It had... | ||
| It had everything you could possibly want. | ||
| New movies in theaters. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Oh, I got a disturbing story for you. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Remember we went to Vancouver? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And we went to visit that pot shop? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But they couldn't sell it to us because we were out of state. | ||
| But somebody hooked us up anyway. | ||
| He got fired for that. | ||
| For hooking us up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I got fired because he shouldn't have hooked us up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so bad, right? | ||
| He was like, no, I can't help it. | ||
| But then he went outside and just gave us some. | ||
| Yeah, he couldn't sell us any, so he gave us some. | ||
| And you gave him tickets to the UFC after that? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| That guy got fired. | ||
| I was like, oh, this is the right way to handle it. | ||
| Probably bragged too much about the tickets for the UFC. They were like, I don't know. | ||
| That sucks, though. | ||
| Sorry to hear about that, buddy. | ||
| I was like, aw. | ||
| I was like, that's real, really bad for you. | ||
| Someday it's going to be easy to go anywhere and be able to buy weed just like you can go anywhere and buy a beer. | ||
| How it should be. | ||
| You should be a fucking taxpaying grown adult who walks in there and acts like a gentleman and picks up whatever the fuck you need. | ||
| Whether you'd like to buy a bottle of wine to go with dinner or whether you'd like to get an eighth of weed because you and your chick are going to watch movies and fuck. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| Am I allowed to do that? | ||
| You fucking controlling douchebags. | ||
| You should be a behind-the-counter purchase. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| You have to go there with the key. | ||
| Yeah, it should be super easy. | ||
| Here's your ID. Can I see your ID? Okay, you're 21. Here's your weed, Mr. Shafir. | ||
| Take it easy. | ||
| 21. Nonsense. | ||
| Silly bitch. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| Not for weed. | ||
| It has to be 21? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think it should be four. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We should be able to get them high really young. | ||
| I took half an Adderall today. | ||
| This is like the second time I've ever done Adderall before. | ||
| First of all, okay. | ||
| This is the first time that I feel like it... | ||
| It's like a sativa. | ||
| I think if you are a fan of Adderall, if you got a really good sativa, it would be pretty similar. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| No, it makes your body all jacked up and moving. | ||
| It's similar in some way. | ||
| But here's the deal, Brian. | ||
| When you say half an Adderall, you have to understand there are different values for different pills. | ||
| Half of a 5 milligram Adderall is far different than the 40 that you might have split in half. | ||
| By the way, powerful Ari Shafir t-shirts. | ||
| Yeah, these are awesome. | ||
| Watching on YouTube. | ||
| You guys didn't have to wear them while I was here. | ||
| I like his tongue. | ||
| Look at his tongue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's got some stuff on it. | |
| Where can anybody buy these, dude? | ||
| These are actually really cool. | ||
| I'm going to have them online in like a week or two, but right now at my live dates... | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I love it, Ari. | ||
| Pester Ari on Twitter, A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R, to make sure that he comes strong and corrects with the t-shirts. | ||
| He's got LSD and ecstasy on his tongue, and there's the pink elephants on parade. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| It's actually a shirt I would wear. | ||
| There's a hot bitch on your head. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Hot naked black chick with a mushroom leaf right next to her. | ||
| There's only one place I can't wear this shirt, though. | ||
| Academy clubs would be kind of weird. | ||
| Just wear it, bitch. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| I'll wear it. | ||
| I'll wear this on stage. | ||
| If I knew that you had this, I would have wore this for my special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How about that? | ||
| That would be a cool shirt. | ||
| I would have totally wore this for my special. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| I'll wear this for my next special. | ||
| I'm committing to it. | ||
| Right now, they'll be gone. | ||
| This is a 2012 shirt. | ||
| I want to have a different sports shirt over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| I'm going to wear this next year. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| My goal now after doing Atlanta is to try to do another one in a year. | ||
| Yeah, let's talk about that. | ||
| That's what I've been trying to do. | ||
| Let's hear some new jokes of yours, like some notes of yours right now. | ||
| Oh, I can't tell you. | ||
| It could be weird to see it. | ||
| Here's the thing that really helped me. | ||
| When you're thinking in terms of this, Tom Segura asked Bill Burr about it. | ||
| And he broke it down to what an hour is. | ||
| And he goes, that's five minutes a month. | ||
| So if you get pretty much any new month that you're like, am I five minutes ahead of where I was? | ||
| And just time it that way. | ||
| And just keep a pace for yourself. | ||
| Where you're either ahead of pace or behind pace. | ||
| I had five new minutes the first time on stage. | ||
| Because there was a bunch of shit that I had written that I... The last couple of months, I hadn't committed to any new stuff. | ||
| I was just trying to completely tighten the old stuff. | ||
| Except this circumcision bit that just came out of nowhere. | ||
| I couldn't stop it. | ||
| I had to put it on. | ||
| It just fit in with all this other shit I had to. | ||
| But other than that, all my writing that I had from all that time is all bankrolled. | ||
| So I just have to go over the writing. | ||
| You know, the fucking... | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| The nuttiness. | ||
| I just have to go over the nuttiness. | ||
| Go back to your notes so you didn't want to explore it because you're like, I've got stuff right now. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| So since I did still keep writing, there's a lot of ideas. | ||
| I just have to sort of set them up. | ||
| But this will make yourself go through them. | ||
| Did you end up doing the baby bee? | ||
| No, no, I didn't do that one. | ||
| No, that's two specials of that joke. | ||
| That's going to be like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I had a thought. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a thought. | |
| Here's what you do. | ||
| What? | ||
| YouTube video. | ||
| Just release that YouTube video. | ||
| I should. | ||
| Get it out there on your own YouTube account. | ||
| Yeah, hire some actors. | ||
| I mean, that bit is three or four years old and so ready to go and be done. | ||
| Have Don Barris be the baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm so immature with my sense of humor that I have so many jokes about someone getting blown. | ||
| Just use that to promote the special when you have it. | ||
| Here's one free. | ||
| The next time you go to a big club, just tape it, Brian, fucking tape it from the back. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Get a close-up of them and get a faraway shot of them and cut those together. | ||
| I'll go behind you. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| No, not behind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Why are you nodding so enthusiastically? | ||
| Adderall. | ||
| But it was the Atlanta thing. | ||
| It went great, right? | ||
| Couldn't have gone any better, man. | ||
| These crowds are completely different crowds. | ||
| The crowds that we're getting now are 100% podcast fans. | ||
| And it's like hanging out and doing a show in front of our friends. | ||
| It's like a bunch of friends that we don't know that And the other people who come just to come for shows, they're like, oh, this is a really fun thing. | ||
| Dude, they're so overwhelmingly nice. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I don't know how we did it. | ||
| I don't know what exactly the combination was to create that. | ||
| But that's very unusual. | ||
| It's very unusual when you talk to people that work at clubs and people that work at theaters. | ||
| They go, your crowd is the nicest crowd we've ever seen ever. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they're pretty cool. | ||
| No one's even close. | ||
| They're good tippers. | ||
| They're good, they're generous, and they were fucking so pumped for the show, dude. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| I was so comfortable. | ||
| It was the only time I've ever done a special where I didn't feel at all like, oh shit, I'm filming right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I was completely in the groove. | ||
| I had done so much stand-up leading up to that, too. | ||
| You just felt comfortable. | ||
| Yeah, I did all my work, and then on top of that, the crowd was amazing. | ||
| But now it's that the big challenge is to now to create a whole new hour. | ||
| So I have to really sit down and I have all these scattered notes. | ||
| I'm going to have to do some organizing. | ||
| Ice House, Ice House, Ice House. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to have to do some Ice House shows. | ||
| Do you want to do Wednesday? | ||
| Can we do Wednesday? | ||
| See if we can do Wednesday. | ||
| Do you think we can? | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| If we can, let's do it. | ||
| This is what Louis said too, after you do the first year, when you start the same process again the next year and it seems as daunting as it does right now, you'll be like, oh no, I know this leads to a new hour of material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's okay, I can do this. | ||
| It's like bench pressing to get bigger. | ||
| Well, I know that writing to me is just like doing rounds on the bag or doing minutes on an elliptical machine. | ||
| You build endurance. | ||
| You build like a groove. | ||
| And right now, I'm in good writing shape. | ||
| I feel like when I write a lot, I get in good writing shape. | ||
| Yeah, it's a muscle. | ||
| Yeah, and I think it comes out better the more you use it. | ||
| And it comes out, your editing skills on the fly get better. | ||
| Better writing now than you were five years ago, ten years ago. | ||
| Of course, no doubt. | ||
| You've been doing a lot, yeah. | ||
| I'm so happy that I, you know, I always wondered what would happen as I got older, like if my stand-up would start to suck one day. | ||
| You know, I always worried about that. | ||
| I always worried about, like, hitting a peak and then not being good anymore. | ||
| It seems like there's a plateau you can get. | ||
| It's kind of like a pool where you can play to stand-up later into your years. | ||
| It's not like a 40-year-old retirement moment. | ||
| Well, I think it has to do with your physical health, too. | ||
| If you get depressed and you feel like shit, I bet your comedy is going to start to not be as fun and not be as good. | ||
| I think part of the commitment to your craft... | ||
| Stand-up does all the time. | ||
| Well, he's a different kind of stand-up. | ||
| Stand-up's comedy almost depends on him being miserable. | ||
| I think almost every comic I know seems like they're depressed and miserable. | ||
| There are a lot that are. | ||
| They don't have to be. | ||
| It's not necessary, but that can fuel you. | ||
| It can fuel you to go up there and get that charge where I know in times in my life where I wasn't happy, I would go on stage and kill. | ||
| I'd at least feel like I could do something. | ||
| Rage against something. | ||
| I'd at least feel like I'm capable of something. | ||
| If I could go on stage, if I'm feeling like a loser, I'm feeling depressed, and I'd go on stage and get a bunch of people to laugh, I'll just be like, okay, I'm not bad at this. | ||
| I did a good job at this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can feel a little better now. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It gives you a little pick-me-up. | ||
| Short term. | ||
| So they all gave you a standing ovation before you even went on stage. | ||
| Yeah, it was nuts. | ||
| It couldn't have been better. | ||
| The place was insane. | ||
| It couldn't not have been better. | ||
| And there was a lot of traffic because there were some crazy basketball games going on at the same time. | ||
| And we got stuck. | ||
| It was really hard for everybody to get there. | ||
| So the show didn't even start for like a half an hour late. | ||
| So everybody was building up. | ||
| So when the lights went off and when I came on the microphone to introduce Joey, they went fucking crazy. | ||
| And it was so funny because my manager and Shandra and Jeff, they're the best. | ||
| I've been with Jeff since I was an open-miker, essentially. | ||
| He came and found me in Boston where I was a scrub. | ||
| And I think that one of the main reasons why I've been successful is that I don't have to think about the business stuff. | ||
| I just let him think about it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I just do my comedy. | ||
| I don't have to worry about it because he's the best. | ||
| But they were like, let's have you introduced offstage. | ||
| Like, just say your name clean and you come out alone. | ||
| I'm like, Joey's got to bring me up. | ||
| Plus your fans will want to see that too. | ||
| That five seconds. | ||
| Yeah, Joey has to bring me up. | ||
| That's voodoo. | ||
| You're like, okay, thank you for the suggestion. | ||
| We're not going to do that. | ||
| I appreciate your input. | ||
| But they were like, well, let's just try it once. | ||
| I'm like, no, Joey's got to bring me up. | ||
| It doesn't have to make sense. | ||
| Yeah, you're not going to talk about it. | ||
| He's brought me up in every special for the past... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eight, nine years, whatever it's been. | ||
| So you couldn't do it in Canada, right? | ||
| Yeah, Duncan and I tried to do a chant at the beginning of one of the specials, but it didn't work at all. | ||
| It's so hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everyone's sitting there like, what are they doing? | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| We were way too baked before we came up with that idea. | ||
| We thought we could get the whole crowd to om along, and we got like maybe 30 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then everyone's like, what's happening? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| They're waiting for the punchline that never was. | ||
| That shit is such a trip. | ||
| The second show, Joe turned to me and goes, do you want to go up and do five minutes? | ||
| And we just got done smoking a joint and I was stoned out in my mind. | ||
| I got to go up and it was pretty cool, but it was so hard to judge that many people. | ||
| Like you said, 30 people was doing it and it seemed like that's 30 out of a million. | ||
| I don't want to say your material, dude, but that one joke you have is fucking funny. | ||
| He's got one joke. | ||
| I can't say anything. | ||
| It'll give away a bit. | ||
| It's one joke that's one of them where I go, damn, I wish I thought that one up. | ||
| You know, when you hear somebody say something, it's just like... | ||
| It fires open a door. | ||
| It's such a fun one to play with. | ||
| There's so much to do with it. | ||
| To watch over a thousand people laugh at that was really fun. | ||
| It's fun to watch someone go up that's never been in front of that big of a crowd. | ||
| But they all were really friendly. | ||
| When you went on stage, they gave you a huge round of applause. | ||
| I knew you probably had it. | ||
| So that had made you feel like they were happy to see you. | ||
| It's going to be so much better. | ||
| It is so much better, the feeling you get when you're like, oh cool, you guys already know me. | ||
| Nobody takes more internet shit than Brian. | ||
| Nobody takes more. | ||
| You have more haters and more irrational, angry people. | ||
| You love it though, right? | ||
| A certain part of you loves it. | ||
| No, I hate it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's not uncomfortable. | ||
| And then there's always some weird sort of analysis of Brian and I's relationship. | ||
| Look, Brian and I are very different, but obviously we like each other. | ||
| I've never had a job for more than 10 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a long time. | |
| It's a long time. | ||
| We're working together. | ||
| But we like each other. | ||
| I mean, we like each other a lot. | ||
| I mean, I would say love, but it sounds gay, because he's right next to me. | ||
| But of course I love him. | ||
| But the reason why we keep doing this is because it works well. | ||
| Don't you see? | ||
| Yeah, he says ridiculous shit. | ||
| Yeah, he thinks so. | ||
| But you say also some things that I don't think of. | ||
| You come at things from a weird perspective sometimes. | ||
| But for whatever reason, people get angry at shit. | ||
| All you have to do is say one thing, you'll interject one thing, and it'll derail a conversation. | ||
| Sometimes it works, and sometimes you derail something, and it becomes really funny, and sometimes it doesn't. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| You never know until you try. | ||
| That's what people don't understand that they're listening. | ||
| But they'll get so fucking angry at you! | ||
| And you're like, dude, get up and go out. | ||
| There's a conversation going on somewhere, and you're listening in. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all that's happening here. | ||
| There's no reason to get fucking spastic, angry, fucking violent mad. | ||
| Like, relax. | ||
| That's just internet angry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This motherfucker! | |
| If he interrupts one more time, I'm gonna kick him in his cunt! | ||
| That's the only way they've expressed, like, ugh. | ||
| That's all they're trying to express. | ||
| That's the only way they can do that online. | ||
| All they feel is, ugh. | ||
| And they have to say that. | ||
| I'm going to kill you. | ||
| I appreciate criticism. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| And it sounds like I don't, because I just get mad and block people when they say cunty things on Twitter or whatever. | ||
| But I'm not going to argue with you, man. | ||
| If you can't communicate with me like a normal human being, if you can't communicate with me like you would, if you just... | ||
| I don't care who I ever met. | ||
| If I had to have a conversation with Adolf Hitler, if I had to go back in time and have a conversation with Adolf Hitler, I wouldn't start calling him a cunt and say crazy stupid shit to him, even though I know he's a piece of shit. | ||
| Where's that going to help you? | ||
| It's not going to help me at all. | ||
| I already know what he is. | ||
| I want to base all of my interactions with someone on how they interact with me. | ||
| I want to know about their past. | ||
| I want to know you're dealing with a criminal or whatever the fuck you're dealing with, but... | ||
| You should be as courteous as possible to someone. | ||
| Heffron always gets upset when people write in shitty things. | ||
| I'm like, Heffron, why do you care? | ||
| That's just some shitty person. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| That's just a screaming baby. | ||
| What are you worried about? | ||
| Yeah, I see people go back and forth and fight with people on Twitter. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, really? | ||
| Yeah, if someone's like, fuck you, you fucking cunt. | ||
| You're like, oh. | ||
| Dana White goes off. | ||
| Dana White has like multiple day dudes with Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He can't do that. | ||
| There's no point. | ||
| What are you going to prove to them that they're wrong? | ||
| Has that ever happened in the history of Twitter that you prove to someone that they're wrong? | ||
| Dana actually enjoys it, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He really does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's crazy. | |
| He's from Boston. | ||
| He still likes to fight. | ||
| He still needs it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He enjoys it. | |
| He's good at it. | ||
| He goes to their fucking pictures and makes fun of them. | ||
| Specific information. | ||
| Yeah, it's funny, man. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| He gets into it. | ||
| But he does it all with a big smile on his face. | ||
| I've watched him do it. | ||
| Obviously, Dana White is successful as fuck. | ||
| He's not really worried about what some twatty 15-year-old kid from the middle of nowhere on Twitter is saying about him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that word. | |
| He thinks it's fun. | ||
| Twatty is a good word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Twatty. | |
| It's a sweet word. | ||
| And by the way, the people that came to Joe's show, I want you to come to my show May 12th. | ||
| Where's your show? | ||
| Denver. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry, Denver. | ||
| Yeah, the Comedy Works. | ||
| Oh, well, that's a totally different place in the world. | ||
| Well, my show was in Atlanta. | ||
| Your fans, your people came. | ||
| That's a shitty segue right there, son. | ||
| You sort of rethought that. | ||
| I realized we just jumped off the subject, and I was like, oh, as we're talking about the special, I'll say that. | ||
| Do you think Will Ferrell, when he brings his cats to a shelter that he has had many times, they accidentally killed a cat? | ||
| What? | ||
| Will Ferrell brings his cats to shelters? | ||
| Like if he goes out of town and he takes it to a shelter? | ||
| He brings his cat to a shelter? | ||
| No, I mean, like if he did, do you think he would constantly have dead cats? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it would be like, Ferrell, you know, his last name would mix things up, some paperwork or something. | ||
| Oh, you fucking silly bitch. | ||
| I just get done defending you and you come with that. | ||
| These are like notes, Brian. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| These are notes that you should write down then revisit later and work on the wording. | ||
| I'm incredibly disappointed with you. | ||
| I threw that in on purpose just because of Ari's throwing. | ||
| I'm incredibly disappointed with you, Brian. | ||
| I set you up nice for the rest of the show. | ||
| You could have walked away a hero. | ||
| But no. | ||
| No, this guy's right now, this motherfucker, I swear, if I find your red band, red band, I'm going to spit right in your fucking stupid t-shirt. | ||
| Ha ha ha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, man. | |
| You ruined my fucking show, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fell off the elliptical. | |
| We got really high this time. | ||
| Yeah, we got way too high. | ||
| This Adderall high thing is totally different. | ||
| Yeah, you're on a different thing. | ||
| Trenta iced coffee on top of that. | ||
| Jesus, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think you're supposed to mix Adderall with caffeine like that. | |
| Losing weight? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a weight loss thing. | ||
| Is that what you're doing it for? | ||
| No, I'm just trying to be focused right now. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, you're so busy, man. | ||
| Shipping stickers right now is at a third full time. | ||
| Let me see that fill. | ||
| I want to see if that's a 40 milligram or not. | ||
| That is the craziest... | ||
| You know, by the way, guys, maybe you shouldn't be passing this shit around in front of a camera. | ||
| Hey, remember what our friend at Ustream told us? | ||
| Well... | ||
| We'll show you after this. | ||
| I got a prescription, Rory. | ||
| It's just a baggie. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Dude, it could be implied as some sort of... | ||
| Well, it's made by pharmaceutical companies and it makes people happy. | ||
| I know somebody who has a full-time prescription. | ||
| He takes it every day. | ||
| People who have severe ADD, they take it to calm them down instead of hype them up. | ||
| I don't feel calm. | ||
| No, you're getting a totally different reaction than they are. | ||
| That's why no medical doctor would prescribe it to you. | ||
| I feel like I'm coming down from a coke buzz. | ||
| When did you take it? | ||
| Four hours ago? | ||
| You've got plenty of time. | ||
| You've got plenty of time. | ||
| How long is it left? | ||
| You're not coming down. | ||
| Sometimes 9, 10, 12 hours. | ||
| Whoa, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Two more podcasts tonight, so that's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Dude, that's a... | ||
| Are you sure that it's healthy to take that stuff? | ||
| It's not like salad or kale. | ||
| No, it's drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's totally not healthy. | |
| But it's just drugs. | ||
| Is it dangerous? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| I'm sure you can overdose on it if you take too much. | ||
| I took half a pill, though. | ||
| Would you quit saying half a pill? | ||
| I just told you that's such a huge difference. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should stop saying that. | |
| You should find out how much you're taking. | ||
| One 5-milligram pill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the same as half a 10-milligram pill. | |
| Brian, that might be horse dosage. | ||
| There was a 4 written on it. | ||
| I've never even heard of that. | ||
| Brian, you have the strongest ones available. | ||
| And you took a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've heard of a 10 and a 20. You're cracked out right now, son. | |
| Just suck my dick. | ||
| Whoa, easy. | ||
| Just give me a taste. | ||
| This will come down from Adderall. | ||
| Is there a way to get... | ||
| I think you crush. | ||
| You just... | ||
| Is there anything you can take in order to come down? | ||
| Yeah, more Adderall. | ||
| More Adderall help you? | ||
| Yeah, that's what you do. | ||
| Lighter dosage. | ||
| At the end of the day, though, my friend who's on it all the time said that sometimes if he has to do something late at night, like a late night show, it's badly timed. | ||
| Because he takes his stuff at a certain time every day. | ||
| So if there's a late night show, it fucks him up. | ||
| If I take one of those five-hour energies... | ||
| No, Nut doesn't get too hyper. | ||
| He's done. | ||
| By the time the late night show rolls around, he's over. | ||
| He's tired. | ||
| But he can't take it too late because they won't be able to sleep that night. | ||
| Exactamundo. | ||
| Medicated. | ||
| Medicated to the gills. | ||
| We live in a strange world. | ||
| I heard about a new drug. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| A cop told me in Austin. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Crocodile. | ||
| Oh, that's a drug from Russia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of guys that were hooked on heroin are taking it. | ||
| It makes their skin rot. | ||
| It makes your skin rot. | ||
| It's where you can see the bone through your skin. | ||
| I heard about that. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| They call it something else, like Meow Meow or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| It's called Crocodile, though. | ||
| Crocodile, yeah. | ||
| Oh, is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, horrifying. | ||
| Yeah, and they said it takes about two years to kill you, so it'll be plenty of time. | ||
| You're going to be like, just a little worse, just a little worse. | ||
| It must feel amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It must. | |
| That's what I asked the cop who told me about it. | ||
| I was like, how does it feel? | ||
| Like, awesome, right? | ||
| I mean, it's making people have, like, rotten holes in their body where they're shooting it in. | ||
| I mean, it's really crazy to look at. | ||
| When you look at the images... | ||
| It just rots away your skin. | ||
| Have we talked about this on this podcast? | ||
| No, we never have. | ||
| Who would take this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| People are so strange, man. | ||
| Hey, man, I got this good shit. | ||
| It makes your skin fall off. | ||
| Well, that's not the effect that they want. | ||
| That's something I'll tell you about. | ||
| People are so crazy, bro. | ||
| They're so crazy. | ||
| It's just such a weird animal. | ||
| You also have to know how much to take and stuff? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, how about none? | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| My friend told me he took mushrooms in Amsterdam and he didn't like them. | ||
| And I was like, oh, well, how much did you take? | ||
| Where'd you take them? | ||
| He goes, I took 20 grams. | ||
| And I went to the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, what?! | |
| Well, that's why. | ||
| That's like drinking a fucking bottle of tequila and saying, I don't like booze. | ||
| 20 grams? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| How many grams is in a pound? | ||
| In a pound? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| An ounce? | ||
| He's like, oh, that's different. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| How many in a pound? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's at, what, two and a half ounces, I think? | ||
| Two and a half ounces in a pound? | ||
| Maybe I'm totally wrong. | ||
| I don't know how many grams in a... | ||
| 20 grams would be about an ounce. | ||
| Would that be right? | ||
| One pound equals 453 grams. | ||
| Okay, so we took 20 grams. | ||
| Nowhere near a pound. | ||
| Yeah, nowhere near it. | ||
| But still, way too much. | ||
| Imagine if you ate a pound of mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| What would kill you? | ||
| What's the element? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder. | |
| Let's find out. | ||
| You might... | ||
| You might die from eating the same thing of any one food. | ||
| I think the one time that I took it where I think I overdosed, I think it came out to about a quarter and an eighth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A quarter. | |
| So what is that? | ||
| A quarter and an eighth. | ||
| One sixteenth, one eighth, two eighths, three eighths. | ||
| Three eighths. | ||
| Jesus, you threw me off with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three eighths. | |
| Yeah, you took three eighths. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot. | ||
| What kind of mushrooms do you remember? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're the ones that look like fake, like Mario Brother mushrooms. | ||
| Like the stems were really big and the caps were like ridiculously fake looking. | ||
| 280 milligrams per kilogram for a rat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Would kill a rat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 200 what? | ||
| 280 milligrams per kilogram. | ||
| Like I don't know how many kilos a rat is. | ||
| So how many kilos am I? Well, the problem with all this LD50 for rats is there's a lot of shit that kills animals that doesn't kill us. | ||
| Yes, but there are also a lot of things that kill both rats and us. | ||
| And there's also a lot of things that can't kill rats but does kill us. | ||
| Like living in sewers? | ||
| Well, they're fucking disgusting, these cunts. | ||
| They eat feces? | ||
| They're really disgusting. | ||
| They eat each other. | ||
| I've told this story before. | ||
| I killed a big-ass rat in my fucking garage in Encino. | ||
| Killed it with a trap, and I was late at night. | ||
| I was like, I heard a snap go off while I was writing. | ||
| And I went out, I'll get it tomorrow. | ||
| I got up in the morning, and there was nothing but skin. | ||
| A little bit of skin and a tail. | ||
| They ate that fucking rat. | ||
| We had a rat that chewed through his tail in order to get out. | ||
| Of a trap. | ||
| Yeah, this rat was a big fucking rat, too, man. | ||
| They had some big hill rats up there. | ||
| In the Hollywood Hills, they got a real problem. | ||
| In New York, they're everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, some dude was... | ||
| Would you rather have mice or rats? | ||
| Mice. | ||
| Oh, mice by a long shot. | ||
| A billion times. | ||
| The one guy that we had on the show, the hoarder guy. | ||
| Willard? | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| I can't think of his name right now. | ||
| Oh, Matt. | ||
| Matt. | ||
| He said that he would rather have rats. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I heard him on Nick Opie and Anthony yesterday. | ||
| A friend of mine lived in the Hollywood Hills, or rather his friend lived in the Hollywood Hills, and he had a dope house with a theater, but when they were watching the movies, he goes, when the movie comes on, he goes, put your feet up, because sometimes rats run across the floor. | ||
| And he's like, what? | ||
| That would make it a way worse movie. | ||
| He goes, if you live in the hills, there's just no way to avoid them. | ||
| What? | ||
| Could you imagine there's no way to avoid rats in your fucking house? | ||
| It's like ants. | ||
| That's crazy, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's little animals. | |
| It's so much worse than ants. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Have you seen Nutrias? | ||
| Have you ever seen those things? | ||
| Oh yeah, those giant rats in the south. | ||
| Dave Attell went Nutria hunting once. | ||
| Yeah, that's how I found out about it. | ||
| Yeah, that's how I found out about it too. | ||
| That was that show, Insomniac. | ||
| Well, I was watching some show on one of those outdoor channels. | ||
| I was hunting, and the dude's a chef. | ||
| I think it's called Dead Meat or something like that. | ||
| That's the name of the show. | ||
| And he would go and he'll shoot all kinds of weird things and cook them, like all kinds of weird animals. | ||
| And so they cooked nutria. | ||
| They shot these nutrias. | ||
| But there's a bounty on nutrias. | ||
| For every nutria you kill, they give you five bucks. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd be able to make a living that way. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a seven-inch tail, you know, they're big, man. | ||
| There's a lot of them, too. | ||
| And do they attack people, or they're just super- No, no, no. | ||
| They're vegetarians. | ||
| We just kill them. | ||
| The problem is they're destroying the wetlands. | ||
| Their rate of erosion caused by nutrias- Where do they come from? | ||
| Some insane amount. | ||
| It was like, they came from another country. | ||
| It's like 350 yards or 350 acres a day. | ||
| They were eroding. | ||
| These animals were eroding. | ||
| An insane amount of ground they can cover in a day. | ||
| And they're just jacking all these wetlands. | ||
| And so since they started this bounty on them, the show said that they had dropped it down to 50 acres a day. | ||
| But they're still fucking things up. | ||
| I mean, it's like... | ||
| There's a lot to lose in one day. | ||
| Every day, they're just jacking all these wetlands. | ||
| They just kill all the vegetation. | ||
| All these swampy, crazy areas, they just kill all the vegetation. | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| The fucking thing was like a dog, man. | ||
| And this dude, they went out and they shot him in like an hour's time. | ||
| They shot like six or seven of them. | ||
| And they throw him in the boat and they took him back and cooked him. | ||
| It was really weird, man. | ||
| It was funny how everybody was repulsed by it. | ||
| Everybody that they told that it was a nutria, they were like, ooh. | ||
| But if you tell someone you got a pig, what is it? | ||
| Oh, it's bacon. | ||
| It's like we came up with cool names for shit that's not the animal itself, like beef. | ||
| Beef is cow. | ||
| Venison. | ||
| Venison is a deer. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They would have to come. | ||
| You can't just say you're going to eat rat. | ||
| You can say, I'm going to eat chicken. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chicken is true. | ||
| Chicken is only chicken. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But pork is like bacon. | ||
| It's ham. | ||
| You could have a couple different names for it. | ||
| Bacon's so fucking good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is it so good? | |
| Have you been to Denny's when they had that bacon shit? | ||
| The fat and the crispy meat. | ||
| It's just so delicious. | ||
| Bacon milkshakes. | ||
| Yeah, it's so delicious that, I mean, this has been talked to death by comedians, but the idea of, it's become sort of almost like a hacky joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put bacon on anything? | |
| Yeah, put bacon on any kind of food and it makes it better. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chocolate and bacon's good. | ||
| Have you ever had that together? | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| I had that affair once. | ||
| Yeah, I've had that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| You put a little salt on it. | ||
| You know what's amazing, man? | ||
| Salted caramel. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Ooh, that shit's good. | ||
| That's a weird... | ||
| Yeah, salted caramel ice cream. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| There's a place in Denver, too. | ||
| I forget the name of it, but they have amazing salted caramel ice cream. | ||
| Sounds amazing. | ||
| And Denver is where Ari Shafir is going to be next week, recording his fucking powerfuls. | ||
| You see, that's a segue, son. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| I just want to say, I'm there the 10th through the 12th of May. | ||
| But I want the cool people, like all these people listening. | ||
| He wants us. | ||
| And by the way, the Comedy Works, you owe it to yourself. | ||
| If you're going to see a comic like Ari, go to the best club in the fucking country. | ||
| And the Comedy Works in Denver might just be that club. | ||
| If it's not the best club, guess what? | ||
| There's no better club than the Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| There's no better club in the planet. | ||
| There's just not. | ||
| There's the clubs that are just as good, but there's no better club. | ||
| It's on any list of, like, these are the clubs I like to play before I stop. | ||
| The Comedy Works in Denver is at the level of the best club in the country. | ||
| I don't think there's any one best club in the country because there's like Helium in Philly. | ||
| That's the same level. | ||
| It's the same level. | ||
| There's nothing bad about that club. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's one of the best clubs in the country. | ||
| In my opinion, like Helium in Philly and the Comedy Works in Denver, they're the same level of club. | ||
| I think that that place is as good as it gets. | ||
| It's the cream of the crop as far as comedy clubs go. | ||
| And Denver is the stoniest, coolest fucking city in the country. | ||
| I love Denver, man. | ||
| When are you coming back to Columbus? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seriously. | |
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| I'm gonna book that. | ||
| I'm booking a bunch of shit now that I have to write a bunch of new stuff. | ||
| So when I come to Columbus, that's probably what I'll do. | ||
| I'll probably do the comedy club for a couple of days. | ||
| The Funny Bone's a good club there, but isn't it weird how that place doesn't have a green room? | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| I kind of like it. | ||
| I like when you're roughing it. | ||
| Going back to the kitchen to pull up a chair. | ||
| Yeah, I like when you have to live like that sometimes. | ||
| It's realistic. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It's good for you when you have to be in the hallway warming up and there's fucking people walking by with drinks. | ||
| It seems stupid, but I think all that stuff, you should never get away from that. | ||
| That's a real comedy club, man. | ||
| That's where we all cut our teeth. | ||
| That's what's responsible for a lot of guys making a living. | ||
| Those kind of clubs. | ||
| Those are real places. | ||
| It's not a bad energy. | ||
| When you're there for two or three hours, it's nice to have a place to put your stuff in. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| Just go out and sit with the people at the bar. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Just go hang out with people. | ||
| That patio is so big, though. | ||
| You should just put a shed out there. | ||
| Or an Airstream. | ||
| What if you pulled up one of those trailers? | ||
| The Airstream trailer. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be badass. | ||
| But they need that patio because people can't smoke in the bars, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Isn't that the law? | ||
| You gotta go outside to smoke. | ||
| Isn't that the laws now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right, so you have to go outside to smoke. | ||
| Yeah, that law apparently is a big divider among the pool world. | ||
| Pool players are really upset. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because a lot of guys, first of all, when they're gambling, they would just constantly be smoking. | ||
| Poker had the same problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They tried to get it out. | ||
| It was the last link to leave casinos was the poker area. | ||
| Yeah, I know for that breath that I just took, that was like a lot of guys, they needed that. | ||
| They needed that cigarette to calm them down while they're gambling. | ||
| I don't think they needed it. | ||
| I think they just got used to it. | ||
| I know they do. | ||
| They're resisting change. | ||
| But they're addicted. | ||
| And when they're addicted, yeah, you need it. | ||
| I've seen a lot of guys who just got really pissed off and they would start going to places that would allow smoking. | ||
| Yeah, because some guys would let you chain smoke. | ||
| So it's not like going outside. | ||
| I can't just keep going outside. | ||
| I just want to keep going. | ||
| The only way they can make that different is if you made it a private club. | ||
| I belong to a cigar club. | ||
| It's very halty-schmaltzy, me and my brother Matt. | ||
| And when we go, we can go and smoke cigars with all these people out in this place. | ||
| They have gourmet food, and we act like assholes. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| Like bigwigs, you know? | ||
| Like you're some sort of a deal-maker. | ||
| I'm a deal-breaker! | ||
| Sell at 17. And it's kind of a crazy place because the girls are all really pretty and they're like scantily clad and they serve excellent food and there's all these rich guys out there. | ||
| You always see them like movie stars and shit. | ||
| But it's a club, you know, and you're allowed to smoke cigars at this club. | ||
| They should make a place where, you know, it's a comedy club. | ||
| Why don't they have pot rooms like this? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Pot rooms. | ||
| That's exactly what I was going to say. | ||
| Where? | ||
| What's that one? | ||
| That one shut down because they got scared. | ||
| In Toronto. | ||
| Oh no, in Toronto, yeah. | ||
| Oh, the one here? | ||
| On Melrose. | ||
| On Melrose, they shut it down. | ||
| The back room? | ||
| They got scared? | ||
| Yeah, because when the shutdowns were starting, they were like, we don't want to take any chances. | ||
| Because people don't know how much you're allowed to get away with, so they're just guessing. | ||
| When the shutdown times are like, let's stop. | ||
| It was a hash bar. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| It was a full hash bar. | ||
| People go there to write. | ||
| That guy came up to me a couple times when we were doing sales, and he asked me to do shows there, and I was like, you're going to jail. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why? | ||
| If everyone's in there with a car, why does it matter? | ||
| Because there's the possibility, always, of federal intervention. | ||
| If the DEA is in town, because they're going to start cutting down... | ||
| But it was there anyway, even if they just have a regular pot room. | ||
| That was a hard room. | ||
| Yeah, but not that way. | ||
| But that's where people are going to be getting high. | ||
| Actually physically getting high. | ||
| And a lot of them, I guarantee you, are not going to be legal. | ||
| There's going to be a lot of sneaky hippies that, oh man, I didn't have the money to renew my card, man. | ||
| What's the hassle? | ||
| It should totally be legal anyway, man. | ||
| Nature gave me my license. | ||
| There's a few of those fuckers. | ||
| They're going to arrest them. | ||
| If you could be there doing a show while that goes down, You might go to jail, too. | ||
| Every time I want to wait when your car doesn't ever get renewed, let's say it ends May 1st, you're like, I'll just buy a bunch of weed April 29th, and that'll last me until June 30th. | ||
| But then you're like, what am I doing? | ||
| Well, I'm just trying to buy two months for the fucking $45 it costs. | ||
| It is beautiful that you could just go to a store and buy it. | ||
| Yeah, it really is. | ||
| I don't think that's going to go away now just because of the fact that... | ||
| We're too used to it. | ||
| We're a revolt now. | ||
| Yeah, and it has a big impact on the economy. | ||
| It's just the rest of the country really doesn't know that kind of freedom yet. | ||
| They don't know how easy it is to live like this. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| It's great! | ||
| And people who think there's anything wrong with it, you're being silly. | ||
| It's drugs. | ||
| It's drugs. | ||
| That's not a good enough answer. | ||
| So is alcohol. | ||
| So is Adderall. | ||
| So is Adderall. | ||
| So is this coffee I'm drinking. | ||
| This is a drug. | ||
| My feeling is like, yeah, so it's a drug. | ||
| So is this Nuba ring I have in my bubble. | ||
| Do drugs. | ||
| Yeah, so what? | ||
| Do drugs all you want. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| These people are scared, Ari Shafir. | ||
| They're goddamn scared. | ||
| They're scared of the void. | ||
| Cigarettes have addictive nicotine in them. | ||
| And you shouldn't say like, well, just because they're doing something wrong, you should be allowed to, but like... | ||
| We are going to have to... | ||
| I was going to write this thing. | ||
| I wrote this whole thing about this Trayvon Martin thing when that kid got shot and there was all these people that were rallying one way or another. | ||
| My problem is nobody really knows what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| No one does know what happened. | ||
| But my feeling was like, man, when are we going to evolve past the point where that's even a concern? | ||
| Oh, yeah, exactly. | ||
| When are we going to evolve past the point where people are breaking into people's houses and stealing shit? | ||
| When are we going to evolve past the point where people are starting shit because they're packing a gun? | ||
| Is there ever going to come a time when that's the past? | ||
| We're not hacking each other with swords in the streets every day everywhere you live anymore. | ||
| Everything is getting radically improved. | ||
| Security and safety. | ||
| Radically improved. | ||
| Every city, all over the world. | ||
| We're animals here. | ||
| You know what they said? | ||
| They said they were in lines after the tsunami and the Japanese people were in lines waiting to get their food. | ||
| Someone said, it's so nice that you wait in lines here and it's so orderly. | ||
| And he was like, well, that's the only way it should be. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| We've become such animals that we think that's great. | ||
| Well, we are a country without much history or tradition. | ||
| You know, we have a sort of a fake history and tradition. | ||
| We make a big deal out of our history. | ||
| You know, I'm American. | ||
| I know my history. | ||
| You know, what history? | ||
| A bunch of marauders. | ||
| The one of your great-great-grandfather starters? | ||
| Escapees from other countries that fucking came over here and tortured and killed all the natives. | ||
| Yeah, or you came later. | ||
| Fucked them over and... | ||
| Yeah, or you came later. | ||
| I'm proud of my history. | ||
| You're white trash. | ||
| That's not a history. | ||
| It's silly when you stop and think about, say, the history of China or the history of Japan, one country that's been in one place for thousands of years. | ||
| I mean, there's a true history to Japan, and there's a history of obedience, and there's a history of order and discipline, and the tradition of it is far stronger than it is in this country. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| Brian and I saw it when we went over there. | ||
| And I'm not saying that Japan is... | ||
| If I had to choose between living in Japan or living with Jamiroquai, I would say I'm going to live in Japan because I would kill that dude. | ||
| You wouldn't want to have him as a roommate. | ||
| Apparently he gets crazy. | ||
| I love his music though. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But apparently he gets crazy and throws punches at people and shit. | ||
| But Japan was so much more polite and orderly, and even like when we were at the... | ||
| They didn't understand us. | ||
| So when we were at the arena, once we got in and I showed them that I had a badge, they would like talk to my... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'd go, no, he's with me, he's with me. | |
| They just let you go. | ||
| They just let you go. | ||
| I like that at some point where you're like, look, obviously you can lie to me if you want, but please don't do that. | ||
| I'll just check. | ||
| Yeah, there's a noticeable, and I'm not saying it's a perfect society or utopia or anything like that, but there's a noticeable leap up in impatience and a noticeable leap up in kindness and the way people interacted with people. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| That's what happens when you have unfettered access to rapable Chinese women. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just calm down? | ||
| They just calm down. | ||
| They go rape the inland and then go back and just be calm. | ||
| I'm going to go back to Japan soon. | ||
| I think me and Brad from Ustream are going to go. | ||
| Are you really going to go on a little vacation? | ||
| You and who? | ||
| Some guy you met online? | ||
| Yeah, they're going to get sexy. | ||
| Brad from Ustream has an office there, so he goes all the time. | ||
| So I'm thinking next time he goes, I might just go with him and just hang out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, well, I found it quite fascinating. | ||
| I mean, I've been to several different countries now, and it really does illuminate you. | ||
| You know, Ari and I went to Brazil recently, and we were sitting, it was like 7 o'clock in the morning, we may or may not have just smoked some weed, and we're sitting on this balcony overlooking this beach, and it's beautiful. | ||
| The sun was coming up. | ||
| The sun's coming up, and we were watching all these kids play and play soccer, and we were like, who does this in America at 7 a.m.? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who does this? | |
| They all just ran out there and started playing soccer and they're barefoot crossing the street. | ||
| Then these other kids got home from going out, but it was like... | ||
| They look like they're having a great time. | ||
| Yeah, they're still out where they're holding their shoes. | ||
| Everyone's just out. | ||
| I don't think Brazil is better than America or America is better than Brazil, but I know that that way of living is better than the way that most people here live. | ||
| I heard a quote recently. | ||
| I think it was Mark Twain, but Johnny Pemberton told me. | ||
| He goes, it was, comparison is a death of joy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's like, who cares about better or worse? | ||
| I'll just tell you what the nice things we saw. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know in Japan that the government pays your electricity? | ||
| They pay a lot of things. | ||
| I wonder if that's going to change now that their power plants are fucking melting into the earth. | ||
| Or maybe if they just started charging for it and they could have a better profit to make sure this doesn't happen in the future. | ||
| I wonder if that's even an issue. | ||
| Make more profit from it. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What would that do? | ||
| They're fucked, Brian. | ||
| They have a real problem with those three reactors. | ||
| How would the problem have solved it? | ||
| Possibly a fourth. | ||
| How would the profits have solved the meltdown? | ||
| Well, because obviously it seems like their shit was built like retarded style. | ||
| If they had some more intelligent people going, wait a second, you should not build it so it only goes to a 7.0 magnitude quake? | ||
| They had it up to an 8.2, I believe. | ||
| But it was even larger than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like a 9. Why don't you make that shit 20? | |
| Well, I don't think they can. | ||
| The reality is... | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Just go deeper. | ||
| Didn't we just talk about this the other day? | ||
| This is my take on the craziness of nuclear power, was that it's only been around for less than 100 years. | ||
| And think about it, 100 years, all the different huge cataclysmic disasters. | ||
| From Chernobyl to Three Mile Island to this one in Fukushima. | ||
| This is three giant, huge ones that have taken place, and it's only been in less than 100 years. | ||
| How long is nuclear power? | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| How long is nuclear powerful? | ||
| C2O coconut water. | ||
| My favorite. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| It comes from Thailand. | ||
| It tastes so good, you think that it's got sugar in it. | ||
| And I even asked them, I go, you got sugar in this shit, bitch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They sell it on Instagram. | |
| - We might have just set it up. | ||
| - Yeah, sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- Yeah. | |
| - That's their ad-free ads. | ||
| - Where were we before we went on the coconut round? | ||
| - The nuclear-- - Yeah, the real issue is they don't know how to shut these fucking things off. | ||
| And that's terrifying. | ||
| It's terrifying that they're willing to build something that they don't have an out clause with. | ||
| They were just hoping to keep the power on so they can keep it cooled off. | ||
| Germany wants to be without nuclear power in 20, 40 years. | ||
| I think Norway has moved towards that as well. | ||
| There's been a couple of European countries that are considering this now. | ||
| They realize, first of all, they're very small. | ||
| A lot of European countries think about the impact of one nuclear power plant or two would have had on them. | ||
| Japan is very small and they're seeing the impact of the radiation pretty far. | ||
| Isn't there some kind of... | ||
| This is another O'Brien dumb shit thing. | ||
| Isn't there some kind of metal? | ||
| Take another chance. | ||
| Isn't there some kind of metal that they can almost just coat the whole entire reactor? | ||
| It's too hot. | ||
| Like pewter. | ||
| It's too hot. | ||
| Everything's going to melt in it. | ||
| Everything's going to melt. | ||
| It's a goddamn nuclear reactor. | ||
| I don't understand nuclear science enough to comment on it, but from what I understand, they literally can't cool this thing off. | ||
| And they don't know what to do. | ||
| And they're pouring ocean water on it to try to cool off the reactors. | ||
| They've eaten through their containment. | ||
| They don't know where it's going to go as far as how much it's going to impact the soil. | ||
| They've never really had one meltdown like this before, let alone three meltdown in one area in Japan. | ||
| They've never had this. | ||
| So they've got to learn from what happened in Chernobyl. | ||
| I don't know if Chernobyl's damage was as bad as this one is, but it's pretty fucking significant. | ||
| And the scary thing, again, is that there's several of these things all over the place. | ||
| I shouldn't say several. | ||
| There's hundreds of them all over the world. | ||
| And if these reactors keep fucking up in different spots of the world, we're going to have giant areas of our world that's contaminated and dead for hundreds of thousands of years. | ||
| And that's the reality that we're operating under and living under right now. | ||
| While you and I are sitting here talking on this laptop, and our information is being passed through the internet, there's lights that are on, and you're going to get in your car and you're going to go, and electricity is going to fucking power that gas meter when you pump gas at the gas station, and there's going to be an electron. | ||
| All that shit is nuclear power, son. | ||
| All that shit is built on the back of insanity. | ||
| Our entire civilization runs on an insane idea that we're going to take and we're going to make a nuclear reaction. | ||
| We're going to make a fucking reactor. | ||
| And we're going to use this insanely hot thing to burn water and create steam. | ||
| And the steam is going to power and make electricity. | ||
| It's nuts! | ||
| It's fucking crazy! | ||
| And it's how the whole country works. | ||
| The whole country is essentially almost primarily on coal and nuclear power. | ||
| So it's either giant fires or it's... | ||
| Real stuff what? | ||
| There's a few places that have windmill fields. | ||
| And then dams, right? | ||
| Yeah, dams can generate some electricity. | ||
| But there's a lot of it that's nuclear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot! | |
| Have you ever been to that windmill fields that's right outside of Los Angeles, going up... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| The grapevine, the grapevine. | ||
| Yeah, at night, just thousands of these red dots. | ||
| I had no idea what it was, and I'm just driving going, what the fuck was that? | ||
| Holy shit, what is this? | ||
| We've done a few fear factors out there. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's cool. | ||
| And those fan things are so slim that you're like, what? | ||
| How does this do anything? | ||
| It's so small. | ||
| And again, steel cable fucking everywhere! | ||
| Wait, Brian, how does your brain work where we were on a conversation about nuclear power and stuff, and you asked about the safety of nuclear power? | ||
| How would that be an O'Brien moment? | ||
| You were completely staying on topic and not making a joke. | ||
| No, because I was talking about pouring metal on top of a whole factory. | ||
| Locking it down in a big metal box. | ||
| You know those little toys you used to buy when you were a kid, like those little pewter toys, like whatever that is, if you poured like a billion gallons of that. | ||
| Well, I think the real issue is they can't cool it down. | ||
| Ever? | ||
| It's going to take forever. | ||
| How does other nuclear plants cool down? | ||
| They use a nuclear power to cool it down? | ||
| A lot of what's going on in a nuclear power plant is keeping it stable and making sure that there's not what's called a meltdown. | ||
| I don't understand it enough to be just talking in vague terms. | ||
| But what happened with Fukushima was the earthquake and tsunami and flooding and everything fucked up their backup generator. | ||
| So they had nothing. | ||
| They had nothing to keep it powered. | ||
| So they had essentially eight hours before there was a meltdown. | ||
| So there's eight hours where they could just evacuate the area and run. | ||
| Have the cancer started yet? | ||
| I don't know, but I'm sure. | ||
| It will soon. | ||
| There's bunnies that have been born with no ears. | ||
| There's weird mutants that are starting to appear in the animal world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, there's the fish. | |
| You see the fish things? | ||
| They're just hanging out with me and Joe. | ||
| Fish are born with non-working eyes. | ||
| Oh Jesus. | ||
| What? | ||
| Just hanging out with me and Joe. | ||
| You probably have whatever we have now. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to Japan. | ||
| Like Fantastic Four. | ||
| I was going to not eat the sushi over there, but it looks so delicious. | ||
| I was like, whatever, let's let it ride. | ||
| Yeah, that lasted a half hour. | ||
| I think we were talking about how we weren't going to eat anything. | ||
| People are dying over there. | ||
| Alright, I'll just have 12. I'll just have 25 of them. | ||
| Sushi looked great and everybody looked healthy. | ||
| Cancer has no look. | ||
| We were just talking, you and I were, about Mad Cow. | ||
| They just found another episode of Mad Cow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In SoCal. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They said the only reason they found it is because they had random testing. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Didn't have the symptoms at all. | ||
| It was an irritable... | ||
| Yeah, no, but they said they act a certain way. | ||
| Dude, it's so scary. | ||
| They're feeding cows cows. | ||
| Mad cow disease comes from them taking cows and then butchering them and then grinding up their brain matter and all sorts of shit. | ||
| Whatever's left over. | ||
| And using it for a protein base that they feed to other cows. | ||
| And mix it in with the grains. | ||
| Cows aren't supposed to eat cows, by the way. | ||
| So why are they doing this? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just to save money? | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| To save money. | ||
| Because it makes more effective feed. | ||
| You can force the cows to eat that shit, and they will eat it and stay alive. | ||
| And they get all fat and fucked up. | ||
| And they get essentially what's called Jacob's Krutzfeld disease, which is the same disease that savages and cannibals in New Guinea get. | ||
| Where do they get? | ||
| The shakes? | ||
| They get this terrible neurological disorder from eating human brain. | ||
| Because you're programmed to not eat, not supposed to eat that other. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's a fucking trick by nature to make sure the cannibals don't survive. | ||
| But if a lion ate human brain, he'd be fine. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Unless the lion ate a human who had Jacob's Kreutzfeldt disease. | ||
| And then he would get that? | ||
| Because then he could get it because he could get it from what are called prions. | ||
| And that's the concern with people eating beef that came from England during a certain period of time when mad cow disease was running rampant. | ||
| The idea is that You could have possibly gotten this Jacobs-Cruzard disease. | ||
| Had people started showing symptoms of that ever? | ||
| Some people have. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| People have died from mad cow disease. | ||
| It's no joke. | ||
| And then the Prime Minister of England was trying to say, remember that? | ||
| He was trying to say it's safe now. | ||
| So he fed a burger to his daughter on TV. Jesus Christ. | ||
| This is how safe I think it is. | ||
| Eat this burger. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's Game of Thrones type shit. | ||
| Crazy asshole. | ||
| It's, you know, it's amazing that they're so greedy and stinky and disgusting that they've actually decided that there's a good way to save money. | ||
| Feed cows cows. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's just a cunty decision. | ||
| Just the worst decision. | ||
| With any company that makes that decision, the government should come in like stormtroopers and close their fucking shop down and make it a socialist place. | ||
| They should take over and feed the cows only grass. | ||
| Burger King's going to... | ||
| That's how bad I feel about it. | ||
| ...to Safe Chickens and something else by 2017. Safe Chickens? | ||
| No, not safe. | ||
| Free Range. | ||
| Free Range Chickens? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| So it's going to be more expensive, but... | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Or maybe they're just like, fuck it, we'll lose a little more money. | ||
| We won't make as much. | ||
| Definitions of Free Range, I bet, are pretty sloppy. | ||
| I bet Free Range is that they're not in cages. | ||
| They're in a giant pit. | ||
| That's probably what it is. | ||
| It looks like it's moving. | ||
| Yeah, that's Free Range. | ||
| By the way, I've never gone to Diaz's house... | ||
| And look through the screen door. | ||
| The cats move all at once sometimes. | ||
| It just looks like the floor is moving. | ||
| It looks like they're migrating. | ||
| Dude, Diaz is living in a crazy environment. | ||
| They rock like birds? | ||
| Yeah, it's like 12. It's like a bunch of them. | ||
| Does he have 12 now? | ||
| I think it's something like that. | ||
| I think it's 12. I have an idea because I need to get rid of one of my cats because it just doesn't work well with my dog and the other cat hates it too. | ||
| So it's just miserable. | ||
| So I want to find like an old lady to give it to him. | ||
| But I was thinking about just like taking it over to his house and just kind of like throwing it into the mix. | ||
| Why don't you pawn it off on one of your ex-girlfriends? | ||
| They've pawned off dogs and cats on you. | ||
| Yeah, I should. | ||
| No, that's an old cat. | ||
| That's what grandmothers are for, but unfortunately all my grandmothers are dead, but I used to always give them my cat. | ||
| Here's what you gotta do, take a dictionary and just slam that skull. | ||
| Giving you their cats. | ||
| Old people need animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Companionship, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I think companionship is fucking for sure. | ||
| So if anyone in Los Angeles is old and needs a companion. | ||
| Take your old cat. | ||
| If you're hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shitty old cat. | |
| First call me and then I'll see you. | ||
| How much longer is that cat going to live? | ||
| You hope it dies, right? | ||
| I think it's like six more years, I would say. | ||
| Do you come up going, are you dead? | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| What? | ||
| Do you ever hope he dies? | ||
| I don't hope any animal dies, but it is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sort of. | |
| You wouldn't be upset. | ||
| It is a miserable cat right now, and I feel really shitty for even trying to give it a happy life right now. | ||
| Why is it so miserable? | ||
| Because you've got a second cat? | ||
| Because I have a second cat and a dog, and both of them... | ||
| Fuck with it. | ||
| Those two love each other, and they're like a gang, and they're just like, fuck this other cat, you know? | ||
| And the other cat's the original one. | ||
| The original one. | ||
| And it's like, damn, bitch! | ||
| You've created a gang war in your own house. | ||
| You've got bullies. | ||
| In your own house. | ||
| Meanwhile, you're supposed to get rid of the other two. | ||
| You're supposed to get rid of the cat and the dog. | ||
| Yeah, but they pay me off. | ||
| Keep the original. | ||
| They pay you off? | ||
| They pay me off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And what? | ||
| Kisses and attention? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You need that now and then ever. | ||
| One eats my poop, so he never poops in the house because he just eats it right away so he doesn't have to clean it up. | ||
| Don't ask him because it's going to be something like this. | ||
| He picks up after himself. | ||
| He shits and then eats it back up. | ||
| He never has to clean his poop up. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, he does not. | ||
| So disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, but he never cleaned poop up off the floor. | ||
| Are you kidding? | ||
| Are you joking around right now? | ||
| I hope you are. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| You leave that thing in and it doesn't have... | ||
| It can't shit, so it just shits on the ground. | ||
| No, it uses a poop pad. | ||
| And it eats its own shit? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| And it eats its own shit? | ||
| It loves its own shit. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a human shitipede of a dog. | |
| It does not eat its own. | ||
| A lot? | ||
| Like all of it? | ||
| Or just lick at it? | ||
| You want to bet? | ||
| Wait, is it just lick at it? | ||
| Or is it all of it? | ||
| Every time I come down, it looks like he ate a nice cookie. | ||
| There's little crumbs of his own poop everywhere. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| How is that not incredibly disgusting to you? | ||
| Because I... Hold on. | ||
| Maybe he's just shitting out of his mouth when you're not looking. | ||
| I put Listerine strips in his mouth and I... No, you don't. | ||
| I have this dog spray stuff for dog breaths. | ||
| Ari, save this conversation, please. | ||
| Are you going to do shooting fests this year? | ||
| If I can. | ||
| Allegedly? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I have to find out where I am, what part of the world... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I made it Mondays just for comedians. | ||
| When I block out an amount of time like that, it's very selfish because I'm a father. | ||
| I can smoke pot and be functional, but I have to be real particular about where I do shrooms. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's got to make it work. | ||
| I tell you, the last time I did it, man, I was convinced I'm never going to do this shit ever again. | ||
| I'm like, you know what? | ||
| Well, I've done it since I was a young person, and then I stopped for seven years. | ||
| And then I always thought in that seven-year time, I'm like, you know what? | ||
| I've done everything I needed to do with that. | ||
| That's stupid now. | ||
| But then I started dating younger girls, and then I had to re-go through all their drug experiences, and now I'm back into how I was when I was 21 again. | ||
| Well, I think it's all about the intent. | ||
| What are you trying to accomplish out of using it? | ||
| Are you trying to find something out about yourself? | ||
| Are you trying to have a spiritual journey that you go on? | ||
| Have a better concert. | ||
| Yeah, or are you just trying to play and party and get fucked up and say, I can't believe what I took. | ||
| Whoa, I took so much! | ||
| Because I think a lot of times when you do that and you don't go into a trip, you can take a mushroom trip for granted, and a mushroom trip can kick your fucking ass. | ||
| Yeah, that can be just fun, too, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You can't just go to a concert or go do something. | ||
| It depends on the quantity, the quantity, food, how much food you ate, the quantity, who you're with, where your state of mind is. | ||
| You want to be with people you like. | ||
| Yeah, and you can get away with doing mushrooms, but when you do big doses like you did, you did a giant dose. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot. | ||
| I firmly believe that you should be prepared for a fucking journey through space when you do that. | ||
| I mean, you should be someone who's been going to yoga class. | ||
| You should be someone who can sit down. | ||
| I think that's an overdose amount. | ||
| There is such thing as overdose amount, meaning your body... | ||
| Well, we just went over that with the rats. | ||
| Well, the body immediately rejects any of it, even a small amount. | ||
| It's like your body's like, no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No! | ||
| Get this out of me! | ||
| An overdose? | ||
| Yeah, you're reacting to that stuff, to that poison. | ||
| The thing about mushrooms is it's not poison. | ||
| What's going to jack you is like, it's like saying salt is poison. | ||
| Salt isn't poison, but if you eat a pound of it, you're fucking dead. | ||
| It's a thorn. | ||
| Yeah, mushrooms are, the psychoactive ingredients in mushrooms, it mimics human neurochemistry. | ||
| That's why it's so powerful. | ||
| What mushrooms is, what psilocybin is, I don't know how to say it exactly, but something like 4-phosphoroxy-NN-dimethyltryptamine. | ||
| And NN-dimethyltryptamine is actually made by the human brain. | ||
| So it's dimethyltryptamine plus something else. | ||
| And it's some weird phosphorus something or another molecule attached to it somehow or another that makes it different. | ||
| But whatever it is, it's so close to human neurochemistry, it's not really a poison. | ||
| It's just some weird fucking side venture that you can take your mind on. | ||
| So the danger is only in like spectacular doses to actually worry about poisoning yourself. | ||
| If you take three grams, you're fine. | ||
| Yeah, you could take a lot. | ||
| I mean, I know I've heard many people that took 5 and 10 grams. | ||
| I've heard 10 grams from many different people, and they are fine. | ||
| I mean, they're scared as fuck. | ||
| And when they come out of it, I mean, they shot through the middle of the fucking rabbit hole and came back with Robert Lewis. | ||
| What was the guy's name? | ||
| That's about what you took, Brian. | ||
| 10 grams. | ||
| 10 grams? | ||
| It's about 10 grams, yeah. | ||
| Robert Lewis Stevenson from Looking Glass. | ||
| Yeah, is he the one who wrote Alice in Wonderland? | ||
| Let's just go with it. | ||
| It doesn't seem like Lewis Carroll though, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, Lewis Carroll. | ||
| That's who it is. | ||
| Lewis Carroll. | ||
| Robert Louis Stevenson. | ||
| Multiply that times a million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Battleship. | |
| I mean, all that stuff was, that was all psychedelic inspired, I'm sure. | ||
| All of his, I mean, wasn't it supposed to be about acid? | ||
| It's supposed to be about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could take enough mushrooms or you could fucking lose your mind, for sure. | ||
| But that's super, super high. | ||
| No one who's listening to this is going to take that much. | ||
| My legs did not work. | ||
| I fell to the ground. | ||
| My legs don't work, he thought, as he's walking down the street. | ||
| My legs didn't work. | ||
| No, I mean, I fell to the ground and I could not stand up. | ||
| That's not a good example for the youth of America. | ||
| No, and I don't think that's anything that people should try unless they do a shitload of research and make sure they're safe and good age. | ||
| That was 10 grams. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| That was 10 grams. | ||
| That was that? | ||
| That was when I took a quarter and an eighth, whatever that is. | ||
| We're the kids in America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| We're the kids in America. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Everybody laugh for the music. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Na-na-na-na. | |
| Na-na-na-na-na-na. | ||
| The youth of America, they deserve better than that, Brian. | ||
| You're a leader at this point. | ||
| I think you need to step up. | ||
| I'll have it on here. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Stop having your legs fall apart, son. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| How many grams do you think you did when you had this spectacular trip? | ||
| Ten. | ||
| Quarter and eight. | ||
| That's what it comes out to. | ||
| Ten to eleven. | ||
| Ten to eleven grams. | ||
| Ten to eleven grams. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| What was the most memorable part of it? | ||
| My hand turning into pyramids, gold pyramids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Nice. | ||
| When I puked, it was all colors and it turned into trees. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And then it felt like there was trees going in my mouth and stuff. | ||
| Trees going into your mouth? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The walls were made out of Legos and they were just falling down. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| And now what thoughts did you have while all this was going on? | ||
| Olive Garden. | ||
| I ate too much. | ||
| I poisoned. | ||
| Why aren't my legs working? | ||
| I'm puking. | ||
| Were you paranoid? | ||
| Here's what I tell freaking out. | ||
| I wasn't really paranoid. | ||
| It was more like something. | ||
| I've never had my legs never work. | ||
| I've never had body. | ||
| Like I've shroomed a hundred times plus and I've never had it where like my body wouldn't work. | ||
| So you were just so bonkered out that you literally couldn't figure out how to use things. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Were you laughing? | ||
| I mean I recorded myself and I talked like I was fine and I felt like I knew what was going on but it was more of like I felt like a poisoned... | ||
| What's like the best thing you ever learned from a trip? | ||
| Have you ever come out of a trip and had like, this is like a real solid revelation? | ||
| I always have revelations every single time. | ||
| Like, the last one I did, which was... | ||
| I did in a shitty hotel room, and I did a whole podcast with the other girl I did it with, and it's on Death Squad, but... | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| How do people find it? | ||
| It's just go there and type in... | ||
| It's on the front page of DeathSquad.tv, and it's like... | ||
| Right, but for now, people might be listening to this 100 years from now. | ||
| Okay, hold on. | ||
| I'll tell you in a sec while I'm telling you. | ||
| I doubt it, but... | ||
| Hopefully... | ||
| They found something cooler than iPhones or iPods. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| I did it with my friend Pamela Walt and Amy Hawthorne, and we just went to this really, really, really, really shitty hotel in a really scary place. | ||
| What's the name of it? | ||
| Motel 6. No, I mean the podcast. | ||
| That I would advise against, by the way, is going to a place that's like a shitty environment. | ||
| Death Squad number 18. And who were the people on it? | ||
| It's just me and Pamela Walt. | ||
| It was her first time doing Mushrooms, and she just got over having cancer in her crotch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| She's homeless. | ||
| She goes from couch to couch. | ||
| She just has had so much... | ||
| Most of her life, she had such bad social anxiety that she would never even talk to anyone. | ||
| And then recently, she started getting better with the help of actually Adderall, believe it or not. | ||
| And so now she's actually being able to function and talk to people, which is something that she... | ||
| It's like being reborn as an adult. | ||
| So does she like the mushroom trope? | ||
| She had the most fabulous, wonderful time. | ||
| She found all these things and it was just the most ideal thing ever in a shitty, shitty, shitty situation. | ||
| It's amazing how the same stuff, the same batch of the same drug. | ||
| It's not like you got a bad batch. | ||
| Just some people have a good trip and every once in a while somebody has a bad trip. | ||
| I think a lot of it is what's going on in your head. | ||
| There's been points in times in my life where I was teetering on a bad state of mind. | ||
| But if you listen to the thing, there was a reason I was forced into this bad situation. | ||
| Because I went from being like, alright, Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then immediately started realizing like wait a second. | ||
| We don't want to be here for six hours trapped in this room I need to be a babysitter because this might be really bad That's some like fear and loathing in the middle of the desert type shit. | ||
| Yeah That's funny. | ||
| It can be worried. | ||
| Dude, you should totally write about that and that should be part of your act on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's actually kind of funny. | |
| I need to figure it out. | ||
| That's a funny idea for a bit, dude. | ||
| About getting fucked up on mushrooms in the wrong hotel. | ||
| It was bad because every time I wanted to go have a cigarette I had to go outside and one time there was this black dude that was running really fast then he hid behind a wall and he looked out and he looked right at me and I'm like, oh shit, I saw him. | ||
| And then he started running as fast as he can. | ||
| He was I'm absolutely hiding from somebody. | ||
| What neighborhood was this? | ||
| It was in this weird place in Ventura. | ||
| It was really bad. | ||
| Maybe he was on mushrooms too. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But I would go out and have a cigarette and I started like, I had this cell phone case that had all these little diamonds on it, kind of like these little gem cells. | ||
| Yeah, bedazzled. | ||
| Bedazzled? | ||
| And so I started like leaving them everywhere I would walk just so I would have proof if they have to find me. | ||
| I was doing breadcrumbs. | ||
| Your mind can definitely wander on a bad situation where it makes it seem way worse while you're on mushrooms. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then there was a fire alarm outside of our door and I'm like, that's the emergency thing. | ||
| If anything happens, if we get robbed or something, I'm pulling that. | ||
| That's how scary this hotel was. | ||
| But I made myself puke, but it was too late. | ||
| I would think it would be so funny if you grabbed that and pulled it and it's silence. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It just falls off and there's drugs in it. | ||
| Puking happens sometimes, but you've got to do that within the first 30 minutes. | ||
| I tried to, and it was the only time I've never... | ||
| You're already tripping up 30 minutes in that hard? | ||
| I hadn't eaten the whole day or the night before. | ||
| I actually had my finger down my throat and never have done that successfully in my whole entire life and made myself puke it up. | ||
| I've got to pee. | ||
| And I started tripping. | ||
| How long into this was that? | ||
| About 30 minutes. | ||
| Wait, why'd you start? | ||
| If you just started tripping afterwards, why'd you make yourself throw up? | ||
| No, it was happening while I was puking. | ||
| All that stuff where you started feeling terrible and stuff was happening as you started tripping? | ||
| No, this is my latest trip when I tripped in a hotel room. | ||
| After I ate, I started noticing how bad this hotel was. | ||
| Like we opened up the sheets and there was like fucking mess shit in there and there was like a stain that was on each side of the sheets. | ||
| Oh yeah, it was a gross hotel. | ||
| And yeah, there was just people outside that were like, it was scary. | ||
| Like the cops came at one point and busted up this huge gang. | ||
| Cops aren't good to see when you're on mushrooms. | ||
| Even though they can't tell, they don't know anything, you're still like, ugh, cops, this means weird, this means bad things. | ||
| When Pam was checking into the hotel, somebody crashed through the office in their car. | ||
| Why'd you go there? | ||
| I didn't go there. | ||
| I met them there, and then I ran up to the room thinking, oh, this is cool. | ||
| And then right after I ate, because I was trying to catch up, because they were already eating. | ||
| Wait, somebody crashed through the window with their car? | ||
| When they checked in, somebody crashed their car into the office. | ||
| So, like, the wall was broken open? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, Dom, okay, here's my credit card information. | ||
| This should be secure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sounds great. | |
| I didn't do it. | ||
| But yeah, it was a shroom of hell. | ||
| But while she was having the same exact opposite. | ||
| So it's interesting. | ||
| We just talked for like two hours about... | ||
| You can let yourself get in a bad place. | ||
| My friend took it once with a guy he's barely new and a girl he sort of liked. | ||
| And it was just one of the worst trips for him because he said he was worried about his behavior in front of certain people. | ||
| And that worrying puts you in a bad position. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of the things about ecstasy that's so cool. | ||
| You could do it with anybody. | ||
| Oh yeah, you just feel like you like everybody. | ||
| Yeah, released everything. | ||
| I still think that's the best drug in the whole entire world. | ||
| If I had to choose one drug other than weed. | ||
| Yeah, like I said, I loved the experience, but the comedown was fucking brutal. | ||
| On ecstasy? | ||
| It was brutal. | ||
| I took two pills. | ||
| I don't know what the milligrams were. | ||
| Two? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Two's a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The next day I was wrecked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are all sort of the same milligrams, right? | ||
| They're just different. | ||
| I've seen a guy take nine. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nine. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, those are the same people that like a long time ago when people used to do acid and they'd be like, dude, I just did 12 hits of acid. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would you do that? | |
| Well, there's certain dudes like James Cameron that want to go to the bottom of the ocean. | ||
| See, this guy wants to just go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some dudes just want to go to the bottom. | ||
| I saw one of the UFCs when I was in ecstasy. | ||
| And some pop pills or something. | ||
| And it was when Clay Greer was fighting. | ||
| And I got so fucking into it. | ||
| Is that the one where you... | ||
| Yeah, I was like on the floor pounding it. | ||
| Dude, this is hilarious. | ||
| We figured this out later, like years later. | ||
| We went to a UFC once and he was so emotional and like screaming on the floor. | ||
| And then he told me just like a couple months ago. | ||
| He goes, oh yeah, I never told you this, but I was on... | ||
| The best Ari UFC moment is documented. | ||
| It's when... | ||
| What the fuck is his name? | ||
| It was in Brazil. | ||
| The last one in Brazil. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| When Terry Edom got wheel kicked in the head by Edson Barbosa. | ||
| Edson Barbosa cracked him with this wheel kick, and as he's going down, you and Joe Silva are right there, and you put your hands on your head like, holy shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think I put my hand over my mouth, like, oh no! | ||
| Like, that's so brutal. | ||
| Ari was, like, right over my right shoulder, like, where I'm sitting, like, right at the cage, and Ari's right behind me. | ||
| So if you look at, like, the animated GIFs that are on mine, you can see Ari pop up. | ||
| There's a super slow motion one I saw that was, like, really cool, just happening super slow. | ||
| I'm up before he hits the ground. | ||
| I don't care what anybody says. | ||
| That is the greatest job I have ever figured out. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck I ever got a job working for the UFC, but that is the greatest job ever. | ||
| That crowd was so crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nuts. | ||
| Brazil was insane. | ||
| To be able to be there, right there, ringside. | ||
| I've seen more than a thousand great fights like that. | ||
| It's really incredible. | ||
| In Brazil, you were right there with me on the stage. | ||
| 18,000 people fucking screaming. | ||
| You've never seen a crowd like a Brazilian crowd, man. | ||
| Anybody who thinks that American crowds are loyal or nationalistic, you don't know what the fuck they're talking about. | ||
| We just scream USA when some guy trains in England. | ||
| We scream USA to the other one. | ||
| Yeah, we scream USA, but that's about it. | ||
| In Brazil, they scream, you're going to die. | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| They all chant, you're going to die. | ||
| And then when Mike Pyle, Mike Pyle won his fight against this Brazilian dude. | ||
| Only non-Brazilian to win. | ||
| Yeah, against Funch. | ||
| And when he won, the fucking whole crowd is calling him a fag. | ||
| The whole crowd. | ||
| In Portuguese. | ||
| They're so... | ||
| They kept having to turn to the translator. | ||
| Like, what are they saying? | ||
| What are they saying right now? | ||
| Well, she thought they were saying a different word. | ||
| It turns out she thought they were saying Sigano, which is Junior Dos Santos' nickname. | ||
| They were saying it's like Fegano or something along those lines, which is faggot. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's unfortunate that Anderson Silva and Chael Sonnen aren't going to be fighting in Brazil. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Apparently, we were going to do it at the giant soccer stadium. | ||
| It was going to be 80,000 people. | ||
| But there was a UN meeting that was going on there the two days before. | ||
| So there would have been no hotel rooms. | ||
| It would have been a nightmare. | ||
| Because you'd have to bring in 80,000 people from other parts of Brazil and the world who would want to come in and fly in to see that fight. | ||
| So it was way too nutty. | ||
| So they had decided to move it to another place. | ||
| Because it's the biggest fight available ever. | ||
| It's just the biggest fight, and it would be in the biggest city. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It would just be like, oh, God. | ||
| I think as far as what I've read is that they're still going to do a fight in Brazil that week, but they're locking down where that's going to be and who's going to be on that card. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But the Anderson Silva-Chael Sonnen match is going to be in Vegas. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Which probably for Chael Sonnen is fucking way better, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That guy, he was in danger. | ||
| In danger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That place was so goddamn beautiful, Brazil. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| What Ari and I were saying is we were up at 7 o'clock in the morning watching these kids play. | ||
| And we were like, look how great this life is. | ||
| Why don't kids in America do this? | ||
| Why isn't everybody running around and playing like this? | ||
| It looked so joyful. | ||
| There was so much fun to it. | ||
| And you knew that they probably were poor. | ||
| Isn't that what America used to be? | ||
| Or at least is it still in the Midwest and stuff where just small towns where you just get up and go play with people? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I mean, what makes a place like Brazil? | ||
| Is it just the environment? | ||
| The environment's so beautiful. | ||
| The weather's so beautiful. | ||
| They're on the ocean. | ||
| Ocean dwelling people almost always have like a certain appreciation and respect for the ocean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little appreciation for nature. | ||
| That's why beach towns are always so calm. | ||
| There's almost like a chilled, relaxed thing. | ||
| It's like, man, you're just faced with something so impossible. | ||
| You're looking out at fucking 100 trillion gallons of water, whatever the fuck the ocean is, where it's never-ending. | ||
| You don't see the end of the water. | ||
| You know it's bigger than the entire continent that you're living on. | ||
| It's so humbling. | ||
| It's just one of those things. | ||
| You look at it, it makes you chill out. | ||
| A lot of AA people, when you have to have a higher power, they make you have a higher power, but some people don't want to say God, so they can say it's like the ocean, just only more powerful than you are. | ||
| Ooh, I like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds like a Led Zeppelin song, too. | |
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz, still number one on iTunes. | ||
| He's number one again, yeah. | ||
| Doug Benson dethroned him for a little bit. | ||
| For a day, and then just back and forth. | ||
| Well, Doug Benson is not a comedy album, it's just a podcast. | ||
| He puts his podcasts up for sale. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of guys do that. | ||
| There's a lot of controversy about that. | ||
| Some guys have like one a month that they'll have for sale. | ||
| Yeah, if it's a big giant thing, it's like whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow, so he's back there. | ||
| Joey Diaz is on my podcast this week. | ||
| Really? | ||
| On the Skeptic Tank, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz is the shit. | |
| Is you having fun with it? | ||
| Yeah, I am. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Doing one a week? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes I'll get a couple in a week or two or three in a week if I'm going to be out of town a lot. | ||
| I'm amazed that you do it. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| If we do anything like that consistently, I'm really amazed. | ||
| Well, how about us? | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm amazed we're doing it too. | ||
| What episode is this? | ||
| 2-11 or something like that? | ||
| 2-11. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And so at any point you could just be like, I'm not going to do it anymore. | ||
| It'll just be done. | ||
| There'll be no trouble. | ||
| Yeah, it would be a problem, man. | ||
| You're not getting fired? | ||
| I think at this point in time we have a commitment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think we would be able to stop. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's impossible. | ||
| There's too many people. | ||
| But it's like nothing's really pushing you on. | ||
| There's nothing real there. | ||
| Yeah, we owe people. | ||
| It's just that you desire to keep doing it. | ||
| We owe people. | ||
| For listening. | ||
| They've made our life better because they like this podcast. | ||
| And I think we owe them that. | ||
| People go to so many more comedy shows. | ||
| We're not going to stop. | ||
| Dude, I think it's in general, not just with this podcast, but in general, it started this renaissance of stand-up comedy. | ||
| I go around the country and I see the clubs, the hometown clubs. | ||
| More people are out. | ||
| People have access to this art form they've never had before. | ||
| And there's more good guys. | ||
| Yeah, and with YouTube, you can just find who your aesthetically pleasing person is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Max, Dice's kid, went up at the Ice House the other night, did great on the podcast, and went up and killed at the comedy show. | ||
| And I'm like, I just, I can't see enough of that. | ||
| I can't see enough of, like, this new generation coming out when they're good. | ||
| I can't see enough of that. | ||
| It's so inspiring. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| And podcasts are allowing these kids to sort of get their stage. | ||
| I'm telling you, man, that's one of the reasons why the Atlanta show went so well. | ||
| I'm so used to talking in front of people. | ||
| That's got to be a lot of it, too. | ||
| I wrote down that podcasting is like cross-training for stand-up. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Not full joke, but just training, thinking of stuff. | ||
| It's like it gets you in shape for stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, I could never have gone up on that, just doing that whatever quick set if it wasn't for a podcast. | ||
| I would have said, fuck you and shit myself. | ||
| You know, Eddie Bravo's going to do some dates with us. | ||
| He's going to emcee some shows. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Eddie Bravo wants to go on stage. | ||
| He wants to emcee. | ||
| He wants to bring people up. | ||
| Just saying, this has got it all started. | ||
| He goes, I might try to do a joke or two here and there. | ||
| I'm like, you can do it. | ||
| I'm like, of course you can do it. | ||
| But if he doesn't want to, just like, you guys ready? | ||
| He wants to. | ||
| Encourage him. | ||
| Encourage him on Twitter, folks. | ||
| Because he can do it. | ||
| Eddie Bravo is one of the funniest dudes I've ever met in my life. | ||
| It's all about, for him, it would just be about focusing. | ||
| It would just be about him. | ||
| Finding, you know, whatever it is that he thinks is funny and focusing. | ||
| See, I know you're just scratching your beard, but it looks like you're totally shaking your head when you do that. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| No, that was me. | ||
| But I just want to straighten that out with all the internet detective. | ||
| Brian has got an itch on his face, but you don't see that because the microphone ball's in the face? | ||
| So it totally looked like you were shaking your head. | ||
| My beard is just crazy itchy. | ||
| That was definitely an itch. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I just started going back to jiu-jitsu again. | ||
| I took three months off. | ||
| Did you bulk up? | ||
| Did you get fat? | ||
| No, I didn't do anything. | ||
| I stayed the same weight. | ||
| I kept training. | ||
| I made sure I kept working out. | ||
| I stayed in shape. | ||
| I stayed in kettlebell shape and weightlifting shape and workout shape. | ||
| That's less in jiu-jitsu shape. | ||
| It's not as good as jiu-jitsu shape. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu shape is harder. | ||
| I found myself struggling for the first couple of classes, but not nearly as much as I'd be if I didn't do anything. | ||
| If I didn't do anything, I wouldn't be able to do it. | ||
| I literally wouldn't. | ||
| Because one of the things that I thought about while I was working out, while I took the time off, was when I was working, I was training to go back and roll. | ||
| I knew I did not want to get tired. | ||
| I did not want to get tired. | ||
| I was doing a lot of sprints. | ||
| I was doing a lot of, especially on the elliptical, I'd do these things purely for cardio purposes. | ||
| I would do maybe 10 to 15 minutes as a warm-up at a reasonable pace. | ||
| And then I would set it fairly stiff, like level 13 or maybe 15. And then I would know. | ||
| I would blitzkrieg for 30 seconds. | ||
| Just as hard as I can do it for 30 seconds. | ||
| And then kick it back and recover for 30 seconds and then do it again. | ||
| And I did it for 20 minutes. | ||
| So essentially 20 sprints. | ||
| 20 mad, crazy sprints. | ||
| When I lost all that weight, that's what I used to do on the elliptical. | ||
| I would go as hard as I could for a minute and then do like three minutes of just kind of sitting there with my heart rate really high up. | ||
| It's so hard, man. | ||
| It's such a great workout. | ||
| I mean, like when someone tells you you can't get a good workout on an elliptical machine, like, bitch, you're crazy. | ||
| When I'm in hotel rooms, if I'm staying in a hotel and they say, oh, all they have is an elliptical machine, I can get a fucking ferocious cardio workout in on an elliptical machine. | ||
| You just got to use it the right way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the beautiful thing is you don't get injured on those. | ||
| You're not going to hurt your knees. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's no impact. | ||
| It's all circular motions. | ||
| I had an MRI today. | ||
| You did too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So did Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Eddie's got some sort of a meniscus thing. | ||
| What happened to you? | ||
| I think he said cartilage this time. | ||
| Cartilage? | ||
| Yeah, my other knee. | ||
| Your other knee. | ||
| Are you playing basketball still? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| No, no, now I'm not. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Dude, those body weight squats, I know I showed those to you. | ||
| Those are like literally miracle workers for strengthening and tightening your knees. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the best exercises I've ever had for leg endurance and for building up the muscles around your knees. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably endurance. | ||
| I was just standing up. | ||
| I took my shoes off after basketball and I stood up and I just felt a pop and then flew it. | ||
| Well, can they fix it? | ||
| What'd they say? | ||
| He's got to see exactly what it is first. | ||
| It's the same doctor to the other one. | ||
| He's really good. | ||
| No, that's the pot doctor. | ||
| Oh, whoops. | ||
| Oh, Gettleman. | ||
| Gettleman, yeah. | ||
| I know my doctors are my doctors. | ||
| Yeah, he's a real doctor. | ||
| Yeah, he worked on my knee two times. | ||
| He fixed my right knee and he fixed the meniscus in my left knee. | ||
| He fixed my left knee when everybody else had fucked it up or the other guy had fucked it up. | ||
| The other guy, he did want to scope it and he tried to stitch it up and it just never really healed. | ||
| It was always loose. | ||
| It's amazing how when you think about it, you think like doctors know what they're doing, but like some doctors are bad. | ||
| You need doctors that work with athletes. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| Because one of the things that happened after I got an MRI, when I tore my meniscus, which is a really simple thing. | ||
| Meniscus is not that big of a deal. | ||
| I tore meniscus. | ||
| They just scrape it out. | ||
| They scrape the rest over. | ||
| But the doctor is sitting there telling me I need to stop doing martial arts. | ||
| By the way, I was only 30 at the time. | ||
| And the doctor is telling me you need to stop doing martial arts. | ||
| And I'm listening to her... | ||
| And I'm going, first of all, why are you telling me? | ||
| I'm not asking you for this. | ||
| And I go, I don't see where this is that big of an issue. | ||
| And she's like, you're going to continue to injure this knee. | ||
| You're telling me that it's impossible to rehabilitate a meniscus tear and get my body to a condition where I can train again? | ||
| I call shenanigans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You say you'd rather not have that, but like, what? | |
| Bitch, what are you talking about? | ||
| I've been stitched up together like 15 fucking times. | ||
| I know what I'm doing. | ||
| Sometimes I just don't want to deal with it. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| No, it was something weird. | ||
| She was being my mom thing. | ||
| Do you think it's going to catch up like, say, 30 years from now? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I have no pain, man. | ||
| See, first of all, I make sure I stretch out like crazy. | ||
| Second of all, I eat a lot of fish oil. | ||
| I take like 10,000 milligrams of fish oil a day. | ||
| I think that alone promotes healthy, strong joints. | ||
| And second of all, stretching and doing all these bodyweight exercises Really important for strengthening up the joints and tightening it. | ||
| Those bodyweight squats, you go all the way down. | ||
| Your ass touches your heel and your heel comes off the ground and you push up from there. | ||
| And when you do like hundreds of those, right at the knee is where you build all your muscle. | ||
| Like all up in here, like the cap of the quads and all around your knee. | ||
| All that builds up because it's like a really high volume. | ||
| You're doing like 200 of them. | ||
| And it really tightens and strengthens everything. | ||
| It gives you more endurance. | ||
| And it also, because the fact that your legs have done so much more work and they're stronger, you're less likely to have them buckle on you. | ||
| They're less likely to give out. | ||
| It won't be all cartilage. | ||
| It will be the other muscle taking control. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| A lot of the reasons why people get injured is because they don't have enough physical strength to stop the injury from taking place. | ||
| Their coordination or they're exhausted. | ||
| When old people fall, they break their muscles because there's no fucking... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But they broke their bones because there's no muscles to guard against it. | ||
| That too. | ||
| Also, their bones get really fragile. | ||
| That's one of the things. | ||
| Osteoporosis. | ||
| If you're not lifting weights or taking care of your body in that way where you're adding... | ||
| It's really important, especially as you get older, to actually physically lift weights if you want to keep your bone density. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Bone density? | ||
| Yeah, your bone density. | ||
| Yeah, it's very important. | ||
| There's old dudes, like you can go to the gym, and there was a guy named Albert Beckles. | ||
| And I believe he was in his late 50s or 60s. | ||
| Brian, Google that guy for me, please. | ||
| Albert Beckles. | ||
| And Albert Beckles, bodybuilder. | ||
| And he was really old, man. | ||
| And I went to the gym. | ||
| There was a Gold's Gym in North Hollywood, when I lived in North Hollywood. | ||
| And I used to see him training there. | ||
| Like Charles Atlas? | ||
| He'd just be in there? | ||
| He was old as fuck, dude, and he was so old like a motherfucker. | ||
| Look at the photos of that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got a really nice asshole. | |
| What was the other guy's name, that old trainer? | ||
| Look at this photo of this guy. | ||
| See if you can get a nice big one. | ||
| That's him? | ||
| He's black? | ||
| That guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I mean, right there, he's probably like fucking 60 years old or something. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm not kidding. | ||
| The guy was fucking enormous. | ||
| Just don't get a picture of his bicep. | ||
| That's his bicep. | ||
| Just click on one picture so Ari can get us. | ||
| There's a good picture of him. | ||
| He's bald and old and just swole. | ||
| Look at the body on that guy. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That's the only way you can do that. | ||
| Well, steroids. | ||
| But the other way is you have to lift weights in order to keep that density up at that age. | ||
| That keeps your bones dense? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Not your muscles. | ||
| No, your bones. | ||
| Weightlifting, especially like real heavy weight-bearing exercises like deadlifts and squats, they contribute to thicker bone density. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it's really important as you get older, especially because that's when your bones start to get brittle and fragile. | ||
| So guys like Albert Beckles, I bet that guy's like, look at that guy's body. | ||
| And he's in his 50s there, dude. | ||
| I mean, he was just an animal. | ||
| There's certain dudes like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By the way, steroids, but also intense workouts and intense training and focus. | ||
| You can't just give it all the steroids there because the guy still had to do the work. | ||
| Half the steroids. | ||
| Yeah, if he just took steroids only, he would still never get that big. | ||
| If he just lifted weights, how good would he get without them? | ||
| He would never be that lean either. | ||
| You have to be incredibly dedicated to get down to that level. | ||
| He's like championship bodybuilder level. | ||
| The difference between a guy like them or a guy like, say, Steve Maxwell. | ||
| Steve Maxwell is a guy who's 100% natural and he's a fitness fanatic. | ||
| And he is, I believe he's about 60 years old now. | ||
| Is that Dr. Steve? | ||
| No, no, that's Steve Graham. | ||
| Steve Maxwell is the guy who teaches me kettlebells and that. | ||
| He comes over a couple times a year, and he will go over exercise. | ||
| You powwow on body issues? | ||
| He comes and trains me for like three days and shows me all sorts of new shit, and I film it on my iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He's a master, dude. | ||
| Steve Maxwell, you can follow him on Twitter. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's Maxwell Strength and Conditioning, Maxwell S&C. Maxwell SC maybe? | ||
| But he's a real master when it comes to training and different things that you can do to keep your body healthy as you get young. | ||
| He has a whole series, a DVD series, all on joint mobility and how important it is to stretch as you get older. | ||
| Your range of motion, especially if you're just sitting in an office, your range of motion is going to get more and more limited because you're not doing shit. | ||
| Your body's not going anywhere. | ||
| You're just sitting there all day. | ||
| So you're less able to use it. | ||
| Those yoga guys that can stretch like crazy, they always shock me. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible. | ||
| It's because they keep doing it. | ||
| Most of the reasons why I'm still flexible at this age is because when I was 15 to the time I was 44, I never stopped stretching. | ||
| You just keep doing it. | ||
| If you keep doing it, you can keep it up. | ||
| But if you take off just like a few months, if you take off just a few months of training and don't work out and don't do shit for a few months, your body will turn to a sack of shit. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| Do you feel that when you stopped or you kept training, you kept working out? | ||
| Dude, I've never stopped. | ||
| Even when I get injured, I'll stop doing certain things. | ||
| I've been in places where they say you can't do any working out. | ||
| Like after I got my nose fixed, I couldn't do anything for a full month. | ||
| Because they were too afraid of mashing it. | ||
| Yeah, they don't want you elevating your temperature or your blood pressure rather and possibly opening up some of the sutures. | ||
| So no exercise at all for four weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So for four weeks I was like, Did you just eat pizza and commit to it? | |
| No. | ||
| I just tried to eat healthy. | ||
| But I couldn't do shit in hopes that... | ||
| I didn't want this operation to be fucked up because I was without a nose to breathe out of for most of my life and I knew how terrible it was. | ||
| But then once I did it, I was in a race to get back in shape. | ||
| Terrified to stay. | ||
| Because as you get older, man, the more you get out of shape... | ||
| You get the habit going real easily, too. | ||
| You just stay there. | ||
| Yeah, you can just become a lazy fuck. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You gotta do this festival next year. | ||
| Which festival? | ||
| Moon Tower. | ||
| Moon Tower. | ||
| The Austin one. | ||
| Did you just get back from that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Everybody's got a festival, man. | ||
| Did they pay you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're gonna have a Death Squad festival. | ||
| We should. | ||
| Death Squad festival? | ||
| We're gonna have music like Honey Honey. | ||
| Ask them if they want to come. | ||
| Maybe have some Everest. | ||
| Where should we do this? | ||
| I think fucking Joshua Tree. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But then people have to drive there. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| In a city. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why do they have to go somewhere? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vegas. | |
| Vegas isn't a bad idea. | ||
| Vegas is not a bad idea. | ||
| San Francisco. | ||
| But Vegas, again, costs money, man. | ||
| You gotta fly in and shit. | ||
| Texas. | ||
| Just do it for locals? | ||
| Austin, Texas. | ||
| Austin, Texas might not be a bad idea. | ||
| Somewhere where it's warm, that's all. | ||
| Austin, Texas is in the middle, too, so a lot of people can fucking drive there or fly there a lot easier. | ||
| Well, if we were going to have it, we would want to have it at a place where there would be enough hotel rooms. | ||
| Because how many people are going to come? | ||
| Let's say if we have, like, if we do a comedy show there, maybe New York. | ||
| There's Chicago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about Chicago? | |
| New York's so expensive. | ||
| Yeah, look at Southwest by Southwest. | ||
| We'd do it in the same area. | ||
| All those hotels. | ||
| Austin, right. | ||
| That's South by Southwest. | ||
| Yeah, maybe we could do it six months after when South by Southwest is there so we don't compete with them at all. | ||
| I'll be there in September. | ||
| An Austin Death Squad Festival. | ||
| When is South by Southwest? | ||
| A month ago. | ||
| A month ago. | ||
| So it's, what, April? | ||
| What are you worried about competing with South by Southwest? | ||
| Well, anybody. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| First of all, you can't do it anywhere near them because, first of all, they're way more established. | ||
| They're going to eat up all the hotel rooms. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, if you really wanted to do... | ||
| But then you would have to, like, organize it, man. | ||
| And then you'd have to pay the bands. | ||
| Like, if you have bands performing... | ||
| You get a tour manager. | ||
| You get a tour manager. | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to hire a tour manager. | ||
| We'd have to figure out who would be... | ||
| I mean, if we're going to have a Death Squad comedy festival, we'd have to be really picky about who we let go on stage, too. | ||
| Not if it's three days. | ||
| They're going to represent us. | ||
| Not if it's three days. | ||
| We just use all the same guys we always use. | ||
| But we have like 30 people that we use all the time, just in different rotations and stuff. | ||
| We made it a big festival, and people got to plan for it. | ||
| They would want to do this. | ||
| It would be a party for us. | ||
| We don't have 30 people that are good enough to represent us. | ||
| Oh hell yeah, if you start grabbing and telling these Steve Renazzis and all these Freddie Lockhart's and be like, hey, do you want to come? | ||
| 30 though? | ||
| I don't think it's 30. I'm sure it is. | ||
| Magical. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| A little burr? | ||
| I mean, who are you talking about? | ||
| We're talking about Lil' Esther. | ||
| We're talking about all the guys. | ||
| And then you might even find that if it's a big enough thing that there's just people that want to hang out for a weekend, like a party style. | ||
| So you might get, like, maybe Greg Fitzsimmons would be like, hey, I want to come to this, you know, and shit like that. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| He would want to get paid, as he should. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| We'll make it like a festival. | ||
| But then what? | ||
| You had different shows, so they'd see different people twice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I guess they would have to if they went to different shows. | ||
| It would have to be some people on certain shows. | ||
| God, it sounds like a lot of work. | ||
| But it would be kind of fun. | ||
| Maybe it's something we can think of. | ||
| Look, if the fucking Insane Clown Posse can pull something like that off, we could pull it off. | ||
| We could have Death Squad shows at a comedy festival. | ||
| You know, the best way to do it, really, would be to make it super simple and start it off simple and as easy as possible. | ||
| Try it out one year and then let it build. | ||
| Then the next year move it to Vegas. | ||
| Maybe we try it in Pasadena one year. | ||
| Maybe we try it this year in Pasadena. | ||
| Oh, that's what you do. | ||
| You do it here. | ||
| You don't have to pay for hotels for almost any comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about we do an ice house, continual ice house shows and we'll have like bands go up and perform at the ice house. | ||
| We'll have two shows going on at the same time at the ice house and just take over the club for like a whole week and have all of our friends come in. | ||
| Promote it so hard. | ||
| Promote the fuck out of it. | ||
| Have all of our friends come in that we, you know, all of our friends like from out of town that we know that are great comics that maybe live in Texas. | ||
| Plan to be here. | ||
| Yeah, plan to be here. | ||
| I'll bring in Stan Hope and pay for him and put him up in a hotel and give him the door, 100% of the door, and pump the show up and set it up so it's both profitable for guys and it looks like it's fun. | ||
| And the whole time, we podcast. | ||
| Yeah, whatever they pay the door, just take that. | ||
| We want to have two things set up. | ||
| One, we want to have set up something so in the podcast room at the Ice House we can see the stage. | ||
| That's step one. | ||
| Step two is we're going to broadcast the podcast to all the people waiting in line. | ||
| So while the people are waiting in line, as they're going in, we'll be doing the podcast with speakers outside in that little courtyard area. | ||
| So that will be going on. | ||
| And then we'll have shows. | ||
| We'll have bands that can go up. | ||
| At Lovett's, they made the bar room of Lovett's. | ||
| They just pull down a screen and they show what's going on on that big screen on stage. | ||
| That's not a bad idea. | ||
| They show the podcast. | ||
| You can drink and just do that. | ||
| What bar area? | ||
| Where would you do that? | ||
| Outside? | ||
| Yeah, outside. | ||
| They could do it there. | ||
| No, not the comedy store. | ||
| I mean, the ice house? | ||
| Yeah, you could do it outside in that little patio area. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody would go to smoke anyway. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Put a big screen up there, right? | ||
| Dude, it almost makes you want to know if you could talk to the people that own that whole property. | ||
| Because that whole building that is owned by the same person that owns that parking lot that's right connected to it. | ||
| If we were to close that off and then make it a different stage, outside stages. | ||
| Do that in the summer. | ||
| Broadcast the podcast to the parking lot. | ||
| And just pull up your own chairs. | ||
| You need certain permits to do that, though, because you could disturb other businesses and you would disturb the neighborhood. | ||
| You would have to have permission with all those businesses. | ||
| I don't think you could do that. | ||
| They have movies in the park. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a movie. | ||
| And it's in a park. | ||
| This isn't a park. | ||
| It's a parking lot. | ||
| And it's right next to people's businesses. | ||
| They would hear it for sure. | ||
| If Honey Honey is out there jamming, people are going to hear that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You can't have a live band. | ||
| There's a festival that's in Columbus, Ohio that's the whole weekend called ComFest. | ||
| What it is, it's a community festival where everybody in the community gets together and volunteers time making a festival. | ||
| A lot of my friends would sit there and be the people that sell beer the whole day and they just do it for free. | ||
| There's three different stages, four different stages, and it's just music and poetry and there's girls walking around naked. | ||
| And it's just people go there with tents and pretty much just hang out at this park the whole weekend. | ||
| And I was just like, imagine if it was something like that. | ||
| Because your fan base is so like that kind of outdoorsy mushrooms nature. | ||
| They like music and Jimi Hendrix. | ||
| Well, we could eventually do it someplace like that, someplace cool. | ||
| But we'd have to make sure that there's enough accommodations for all the people that were invited to come down. | ||
| It would be tricky. | ||
| And we would also have to make sure that we could safely get all the artists there and put them up in places. | ||
| That's why starting it off in Pasadena would be super easy because everyone's local. | ||
| We could have all the local guys go up. | ||
| And people that want to come here, they can come here. | ||
| It's easy to get to Pasadena. | ||
| You can come here from all over the country. | ||
| We could set up a tent at ComFest this year. | ||
| What's ComFest? | ||
| I don't think we need to bring in people like that. | ||
| I think we advertise to our own people. | ||
| We advertise to everybody who follows me on Twitter and everybody who follows me on Facebook. | ||
| Yeah, but you give it like eight months to a year lead-up time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Say like, this is the week you're going to want to make your hotel reservations for. | ||
| Dude, we could do that now and get thousands of people to come from all over the country. | ||
| I have no problem. | ||
| And just a bunch of shows throughout the week. | ||
| Believe in that. | ||
| Two shows a night, pretty much, to save the ice house. | ||
| Or if you do it in a couple locations, the ice house and somewhere else. | ||
| The ice house is a great place because, look, it's close to LAX. People can get there. | ||
| They can get rental cars. | ||
| They can stay. | ||
| It's not a far drive. | ||
| You've got a navigation system. | ||
| It's not hard to swing. | ||
| It's totally feasible. | ||
| And we have the best relationship with that club, as far as clubs around. | ||
| And there's two rooms there. | ||
| So we could have two rooms running simultaneously and just keep doing shows. | ||
| We could do like two and three shows at night. | ||
| We could have an early show. | ||
| We could have a bunch of different shit going on. | ||
| Or have a music side stage and a comedy stage. | ||
| We just have to have mad security for nutty people. | ||
| So many nutty people have been showing up at the Ice House lately. | ||
| I had a girl start screaming out she loves me during my show in La Jolla. | ||
| Did you just run up and shove it in her mouth? | ||
| No, I thought... | ||
| How much do you love me, bitch? | ||
| She wouldn't let me talk. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| And I was like, what's wrong with you? | ||
| You need to be quiet. | ||
| So what happened after the show? | ||
| Did you hang out with her? | ||
| No, I told her she had to leave eventually. | ||
| I was like, I understand. | ||
| She was weird. | ||
| She was on something. | ||
| Yeah, she was on I Love Ari. | ||
| I want some Jew dick. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| She was there by herself. | ||
| Well, how did it end? | ||
| I told her she had to leave. | ||
| Oh, she was there by herself. | ||
| It's like you were disrupting too many people. | ||
| There by herself is a good sign. | ||
| Good sign of crazy. | ||
| Not always. | ||
| A lot of people come by themselves that are very nice. | ||
| But occasionally, it's a sign of crazy. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, go anywhere by yourself. | ||
| It's like, what are you going to be up to right now? | ||
| Not always, you know. | ||
| Could mean you're cool. | ||
| I met some really cool people that came to shows by themselves. | ||
| Nothing wrong with it. | ||
| It's not like a hard, fast rule. | ||
| Rogue-fest? | ||
| But if you meet a girl, though, and she comes to a show by herself, that girl's a freak. | ||
| That means she's like, no, I'm just here by myself. | ||
| Just hanging out. | ||
| No responsibility. | ||
| So we would have to call this the Death Squad Festival or something like that. | ||
| Death Fest? | ||
| Death Fest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'd have to figure out what to call it. | ||
| Like the Insane Clown Posse, they call their shit the Gathering of the Juggalos. | ||
| We would not call it the Gathering of the Juggalos. | ||
| No, we couldn't call it that. | ||
| They already have that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| That would be so good in order to get people to come out. | ||
| But Death Squad is going to give people the wrong impression. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Maybe we need to come up with a name for the festival. | ||
| Like a yearly name. | ||
| Just call it Olive Garden. | ||
| Maybe the Happy Primate Festival. | ||
| Comedy festival. | ||
| Happy primate comedy. | ||
| But it's not quite a comedy festival. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no primate. | |
| We just want to have bands, too. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And what would you get? | ||
| Just venues for the band? | ||
| How about a year of primate, stupid? | ||
| You would get some music club in Pasadena to show those shows? | ||
| No, we would do those at the Ice House, too. | ||
| That would be easy to put up. | ||
| Honey, honey, they could play at the Ice House. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| I'm sure they've had bands play in that place. | ||
| We've got to have the drums off the stage. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's not much room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how they would do that. | ||
| How much room is there? | ||
| Do you think there's room for a drum set? | ||
| No, not on the stage. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, absolutely not. | ||
| They would take up the entire stage. | ||
| They don't have to use drums, though. | ||
| Some of their best things they do is just him and her. | ||
| Him playing guitar and her playing banjo and violin. | ||
| They can do an acoustic set. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's better anyway, man. | ||
| The acoustic shit they did on my podcast was brilliant. | ||
| Yeah, do like 15 or 20 minutes at the end or 30 minutes or 40 minutes. | ||
| She has a real voice, man. | ||
| That chick has a real voice. | ||
| That's a legitimate voice. | ||
| She doesn't need any effects or any fakery. | ||
| She really can sing. | ||
| I would do a storyteller show. | ||
| Get Kreischer and Diaz to do it. | ||
| Yeah, we could do that too. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah, that could be a part of it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Do you want different themes or different situations for that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| We should also do... | ||
| How about a show where just... | ||
| Let's ask topics. | ||
| That's exactly what I was about to say. | ||
| Question and answer. | ||
| We should do an entire show. | ||
| We did a little bit of it at the end of the show in Atlanta, but it was more like mocking people for their stupid questions and more moon landing hoax conspiracy talk. | ||
| I want to hear it from his own mouth. | ||
| This guy goes, well, I do know that we went to the moon. | ||
| I'm like, you don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it! | |
| I love just saying that. | ||
| Well, I do know. | ||
| You're just saying it loud. | ||
| I'm pretty sure we went. | ||
| What does that mean, silly? | ||
| 1969. You know what happened. | ||
| No matter what the argument, well, I just know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you're just saying you're just done talking then. | ||
| No one knows. | ||
| I mean, we can kind of assume most likely that happened. | ||
| I'm pretty sure Kennedy got shot in the head. | ||
| I'm 99% positive. | ||
| But I wouldn't even say I'm 100% positive for that. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who the fuck knows this goddamn dark world we have. | |
| People take that argument too far sometimes. | ||
| I'm like, well, how do you even know there was a candidate? | ||
| How do you even know that this world is real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do we not know that you are not living in a computer simulation? | |
| By the way, I thought that was really hilarious. | ||
| I saw a video of you explaining to people how to download the Bone Zone, and you did it as a handicapped person. | ||
| As a handicapped person? | ||
| No, it's because I... So many people don't know how to do it? | ||
| One, Brendan Walsh was complaining that people were having a hard time finding his podcast. | ||
| Pretty much, I showed Brendan how to do it and he made a big deal about it on another podcast. | ||
| I was just like, ugh. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Here, let me do it real slow again for you. | ||
| To show people how to... | ||
| Download. | ||
| Just that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or just... | ||
| Well, I think he wants it to be under his name. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, he's just like, people said that they can't search Bone Zone and it comes up on iTunes. | |
| And so I was like, well, let me show you how to do it. | ||
| Wait, but you can't show the people. | ||
| It's the people searching. | ||
| That's who you have to convince. | ||
| It's not brand new. | ||
| How many people that are in your little network get upset that you have the network as the name of their show and then their show next instead of the way everybody else has it? | ||
| I think out of, let's say, if there was 100,000 people, I think I hear it maybe two times on Twitter. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm talking about the people that actually host their shows. | ||
| How many of them want to change it to their own name? | ||
| They must. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| All of them, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I would say none of them. | ||
| What? | ||
| Right now. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Brandon Walsh doesn't want it to be in his name and then have you as the network second? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, look what happened to Freddie Lockhart. | ||
| When Freddie Lockhart did it, he got lost, and so he came back. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| First of all, Freddie didn't, he left you. | ||
| He stopped doing it. | ||
| And when he left you, it wasn't that he was, you know, that he went under his name, and that's why people couldn't find him. | ||
| It's like he really, nobody gave a shit about it anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You said you were going to find a way to have people come with their own podcast. | |
| No, no, that's not what you're saying. | ||
| No, Freddie left because he wanted to do it on his own. | ||
| And then what I'm saying is that when he did that, no one could find his podcast anymore because no one was listening to it anymore. | ||
| Well, that's because, you know, that's only because Freddie had not... | ||
| And he said, dude... | ||
| He had not publicized it well. | ||
| He didn't do a good job of that. | ||
| Dude, we talked about it on this podcast. | ||
| We didn't know where to go. | ||
| We talked about it on podcasts. | ||
| We tweeted it. | ||
| I even retweeted him. | ||
| Tons of times. | ||
| No, it is an extra step. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not enough. | |
| That's not enough. | ||
| You consider the numbers of people that are listening to yours, but in order for him to have it go off on his own, think about that. | ||
| He was doing yours for so long, and it still hadn't developed a name where he could go on on his own. | ||
| That was the number one podcast on Death Squad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When it left, it went to 170. But you know... | |
| So what? | ||
| Do you not understand what I'm saying? | ||
| No. | ||
| What I'm saying is, all the time he's doing it with you, still hadn't gotten independent. | ||
| He was still attached to your name. | ||
| So it's almost like he wasted time doing a good podcast under your name and never got his name out there. | ||
| So when his name got out there on its own, it flopped because no one knew about it. | ||
| So he had been doing all this podcasting and spending all this time developing this sort of bunch of fans to follow him, and he couldn't take it with him. | ||
| Whereas if he just did it on his own, whatever he built up would have been his own. | ||
| It would have stuck with him. | ||
| They had their own name on Death Squad. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Do you know how many podcasts that there's comics out there that you've never heard of in your life? | ||
| Did you know Mark Ellis had two podcasts? | ||
| Yeah, but Mark Ellis is not a famous comedian. | ||
| You know, Freddie Lockhart, first of all, was on a television show, and he's been on our podcast many, many times, and, you know, Mark Ellis... | ||
| No, but it still would be nice if people could search for his name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they can. | ||
| They can search for his name. | ||
| The real thing is, like, the question is, do you do it the way Adam Carolla does it, where he has, you know, like, someone's, whatever the, like, Penn Sunday School, and then underneath that, it says Ace Broadcasting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| he has it in a secondary position and he allows the the person's name of their podcast that's first yeah and he's just the production arm of it so you can build up that name yeah whereas brian the way brian does it is he has a channel and you know it's the death squad channel and then everybody else's podcast is sort of secondary to that it's the exact opposite it's collecting it it builds up the network it builds up the network as a whole instead of building up each individual as an entity on their own an individual Everyone helps each other. | ||
| If you're a big Sam Tripoli fan, you start listening to Sam Tripoli, you're going to start listening to Brennan Walsh and vice versa. | ||
| There's so many people that never knew who Brennan Walsh was until they just were like, well, I like Freddie Lockhart. | ||
| I'm going to start listening to Brennan Walsh now because they're on the same network. | ||
| Well, that's also the case of what people didn't know about until they came onto this podcast. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the same reason. | ||
| There would be people who were like, oh, I don't like, let's just say, Brendan Walsh's podcast, so they get annoyed and don't listen to the same Tripoli podcast. | ||
| Here's an example. | ||
| They get turned off by the stuff they're not into, and they're like, how much of this do I have to sit through before I do the stuff I do like? | ||
| Well, you don't listen to it. | ||
| Do you have to listen to every single one? | ||
| No, but you're just less likely to see it. | ||
| What? | ||
| You're less likely to see it. | ||
| If there's six things that are there and you're only into one of them, it's just like you're less likely to check in to see when there's updates. | ||
| Well, my only thought is that someone, if they're developing their own shit on their own, if they're doing their own show on their own, and they start, like Doug Loves Movies. | ||
| Started out on his own, kept it on his own, and at this point in time... | ||
| He does live shows that Doug Loves Movies and people come. | ||
| Yeah, he has equity that he's built up in that name and doing it on his own. | ||
| And for a lot of these other guys, they're building equity into the Death Squad name. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Look at Ari Shafir. | ||
| Look at Tom Segura. | ||
| There's ways that you can do it right. | ||
| They're lucky. | ||
| People like their show and they're listening to it. | ||
| Ari is doing good on his podcast and so is Tom Segura. | ||
| So what are you trying to say? | ||
| I'm just saying... | ||
| They're independent. | ||
| They left. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm just saying that... | ||
| I don't think that it works for everyone. | ||
| And I think if Sam Tripoli wanted to move off a death squad, he can totally do it, and he would probably survive. | ||
| But I don't think that it's... | ||
| It'd be nice if there's a way to stay on death squad, but also have their own picture for their podcast or something, so you can see it's their picture. | ||
| That's all we're talking about. | ||
| You actually made a bad example, because the reason why Ari... | ||
| And Duncan, well Duncan especially, he did it completely independently on his own. | ||
| But what got them famous was being on a podcast that was famous, this one. | ||
| That's what got them. | ||
| That's 100% what made it happen. | ||
| Somebody asked me that this week. | ||
| It's not being on the desk one. | ||
| They're like, how many of your listeners, Ari, do you think are not... | ||
| I'm fans of Joe Rogan. | ||
| I was like, oh, maybe like 1%, maybe? | ||
| 2%? | ||
| That's how a lot of people found me. | ||
| I don't mind it. | ||
| Which is fine. | ||
| Look, we're all sort of different but like-minded folks. | ||
| People apologize. | ||
| They're like, I'm sorry, I didn't even know you did stand up. | ||
| I didn't want to even see you before I heard it in the podcast. | ||
| I'm like, I don't care. | ||
| That means you're here because of that? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| The biggest thing I want to stress, though, is the reason why it's done as a group is also looking past what podcasts. | ||
| I don't really think that... | ||
| Power through numbers. | ||
| That in 20 years, podcasts are going to be fucking kicking ass or anything. | ||
| But one thing I do know that's coming up is the basic future of cable television and networks and stuff are going to more of a streaming-based, a download-based system like Netflix or iTunes. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| There's not going to be an NBC in 10 years. | ||
| That would happen independently of whether or not you made your show the first name or their show the first name. | ||
| Well, anyways, what I was saying is DeathSquad.TV to me is like, I'm kind of considering it more like a... | ||
| This is a channel. | ||
| This is more than just you're listening to a podcast at your house. | ||
| This is like a TV show network where each one of these shows are like... | ||
| It's like being on DeathSquad.TV, but it's like being on MTV. And each one of these things underneath it is a show. | ||
| And so one of the biggest things with all the people saying, you know, like, I want it to be separated into all the different things on iTunes and all that stuff... | ||
| If you don't want to just go to desklaw.tv and download what you want to listen to, we're making these show pages right now where, as an example, if you like the naughty show, it's going to have all the naughty shows and it's going to have an RSS feed, which you can do right now in any browser. | ||
| If you open up your browser and pick a search string of any kind, you can make an RSS feed. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| No one's doing that. | ||
| Yeah, no one's making RSS feeds. | ||
| Well, anyways, I'm just saying that you can do it. | ||
| If you're freaking out about RSS feeds, you probably can easily cut and paste an RSS string. | ||
| No, most people don't know what that is. | ||
| Who's freaking out about RSS feeds? | ||
| Exactly, the 1%. | ||
| So anyways, but each one of these pages, like the Naughty Show page and stuff like that, will have all the individual shows for each person, and it's going to have, each host is going to have a PayPal A show donation. | ||
| How many of your network shows are you actually in? | ||
| Every single one of them. | ||
| Every one of them. | ||
| So that's another thing. | ||
| I produce them all. | ||
| The only ones I don't do is when, like, say, Brian Count or somebody's doing one in their hotel room. | ||
| Doesn't that drive you crazy to be in all those different podcasts? | ||
| I mean, your brain must be scattered. | ||
| No, because it's quality control for everything. | ||
| I mean, there's shows like I love Esther to death, but if I wasn't there and just put it up, I would be mad at myself for fucking letting you listen to it, and vice versa. | ||
| Sometimes there's a quality that all these people get where when Ari was on Death Squad, he sent me one file once, and it was like one person was really loud, one person was super, super quiet, and you couldn't hear it. | ||
| And I know Ari was angry at me for not wanting to put that up. | ||
| No, I was angry at you for saying, we're not putting it up before you let me listen to it. | ||
| That's all it was. | ||
| I was like, let me hear it. | ||
| I'll make my decision. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he kept saying, no, we're not doing it. | ||
| I couldn't put it up because, honestly, I sat there for two hours trying to fix it to make it so it would be acceptable, and it wasn't. | ||
| No, that totally makes sense. | ||
| I mean, because a lot of people don't know that, yeah, I'm on these podcasts because I'm fucking producing them. | ||
| I told Callan, because after he told me his stuff was the same way, it wasn't coming through, I was like, you know you have to get microphones and cords for that, right? | ||
| And he goes, no, I didn't know that. | ||
| I was like, yeah, you've got to get microphones and cords. | ||
| I told him where to get it. | ||
| I'm like, those will be better from now on. | ||
| The only problem that I have is that we use the name DeskWad for all of us. | ||
| And if you've got a network that's DeskWad... | ||
| And then anyone that's on there, it becomes one of those people. | ||
| Not necessarily. | ||
| The real desk squad way to do it is to do Joey's podcast, Ari's podcast, Duncan's podcast, to put it on a page somewhere. | ||
| Brian, why are you defensive right now? | ||
| No one's saying anything bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because that makes no sense at all. | |
| No, it makes a lot of sense. | ||
| What I'm saying is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It feels like it's being attacked. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| And people on the internet think you're doing the same thing. | ||
| Because what it is... | ||
| You think I'm doing the same thing what? | ||
| Because what I'm doing is you're pretty much saying the real reason to do a podcast network, like I'm not doing a real way to do it. | ||
| Just because I'm using the word Death Squad. | ||
| I'm saying the right way to call it Death Squad, it should not just be the shows that you're in. | ||
| It should be all of us. | ||
| Death Squad is a bunch of friends, right? | ||
| All these people that I'm doing, all these shows have been on the road with you. | ||
| Sam Tripoli has been on the road with you, right? | ||
| Freddie Locker... | ||
| You're not doing people that have been on the road with me. | ||
| That's not what you're doing. | ||
| You've got a bunch of people that don't even know who these people are. | ||
| I'm talking about the host of the show, Brandon Walsh. | ||
| She used to take Brandon Walsh on the road, right? | ||
| Some of them, Brian. | ||
| So you wouldn't consider him being in the Death Squad? | ||
| Brian, some of them. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| Some of them not. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| Jaden James? | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| All that shit. | ||
| There's a bunch of them. | ||
| I don't want to name names. | ||
| I don't want to criticize anybody. | ||
| I know, but every person that's a guest on the show, I wouldn't consider him being on the Death Squad. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| What? | ||
| Like if you have a person that's on your show as a guest. | ||
| There's a big difference between having someone as a guest and having someone who you're doing a show with them. | ||
| And then you're calling it Death Squad and you're putting it on a network. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You essentially have taken over that name and used it for your own stuff. | ||
| It's your own network. | ||
| I'm not Death Squad. | ||
| You're on every one of them. | ||
| I'm not Death Squad. | ||
| All of us are Death Squad. | ||
| But you're on every one of them. | ||
| Because I produce every single show on that Death Squad, yes. | ||
| But do you not see that that is like you? | ||
| Joe, 90% of the shows, I probably talk about 10% of the time. | ||
| No, I know you don't. | ||
| It's more of the same thing if you listen to Howard Stern, if you listen to any of the shows that have producers like E-Rock or anything like that. | ||
| That's a normal thing, Joe. | ||
| Dude, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you're doing. | ||
| I'm not saying that at all. | ||
| I'm not criticizing you. | ||
| I'm just saying that to call it the Death Squad is kind of weird because the Death Squad is supposed to be all of us and most of the people that are in the Death Squad aren't on the Death Squad.tv site. | ||
| Okay, so if one of you other guys did something with the Death Squad name, then go for it. | ||
| I was the first one. | ||
| I was like, hey, I'm just going to make a collection of shows and call it Death Squad because Opie said it one time and it was funny. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not the people. | ||
| Do you not feel this at all? | ||
| You mean Death Squad's a little different to you. | ||
| You feel it's like the four people that was in the room. | ||
| No, I do not. | ||
| I feel it's family. | ||
| It's all the people that we're family with. | ||
| There's a lot of people that you podcast with that you're not family with. | ||
| They asked me, we're going to do this. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| That girl's nice. | ||
| Ryan Keely, she's a very nice girl. | ||
| Dan D'Orman, very nice girl. | ||
| Those people aren't your family. | ||
| We were going to do the show. | ||
| They're friends of mine. | ||
| They're friends with you. | ||
| Okay, then they're family. | ||
| You don't think Dana's a friend? | ||
| She's a nice girl. | ||
| She's not my family. | ||
| You've had her on this podcast. | ||
| I have. | ||
| What is the question? | ||
| Brian, there's a lot of people we've had on this podcast. | ||
| But you're acting like this is like a treehouse and you're like, you're not allowed in this treehouse. | ||
| No, that's not what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm saying you're calling it Desquad when Desquad is us. | ||
| Desquad is us as friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Who is us? | ||
| Tagging all the people that were hanging out together in that group. | ||
| There was not the whole Desquad at that group. | ||
| Joey Diaz, Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Joey Diaz was not there when Opie called us Desquad. | ||
| So you're saying Joey Diaz? | ||
| Is Joey Diaz not one of my best friends? | ||
| Is Joey Diaz not constantly on the road with us? | ||
| Is Joey Diaz not the one who uses it more than anybody? | ||
| He was the one who actually started calling everybody Death Squad. | ||
| He was the one who ran with it. | ||
| Because he thought it was hilarious. | ||
| There's obviously some heat here then because you're really having a problem with me using the name Death Squad. | ||
| I'm not having a problem at all. | ||
| I'm just saying it would be nice if... | ||
| We were all at a radio station and both he called us something. | ||
| And we were all talking about it, and I just happened to start calling something Death Squad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't mean that I'm like, no, he was talking about me, and it's all me, and I'm Death Squad, and that's what I mean. | |
| I'm just saying that I used a term that we all use, and I bought a domain and started doing a podcast for it. | ||
| You started doing a podcast and started calling the shows Death Squad. | ||
| So you've essentially hijacked the name. | ||
| You've taken the name for your own network. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What name? | |
| That name, Desquad. | ||
| You've taken it for your own network. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The name that you used to do those little videos. | |
| I'm not saying you aren't. | ||
| I'm just saying if it really was Desquad, you would have Ari on that page. | ||
| You'd have big links to all the people that you're not profiting from as well. | ||
| If I created a podcast network and called it Powerful, are you saying that I wouldn't be allowed to do that? | ||
| It's a big difference between a whole group of people that call themselves Desquad. | ||
| We've been calling ourselves Death Squad for like almost a decade. | ||
| And then all of a sudden a podcast comes along and you call this podcast Death Squad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bought that domain in 2007. What does that mean, Brian? | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| Just because you bought the domain. | ||
| Didn't we call ourselves that before you bought the domain? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We call ourselves a lot of things. | ||
| But does that mean I'm not allowed to say, hey, I'm going to use that as a name for a podcast network about all you guys? | ||
| I can't even believe that you don't see another side of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe that you don't see a little bit of a side of this. | |
| I see what you're saying, but it's kind of funny that I've been doing it since 2007 and now you're just making it All I've said ever is that it should be, all of us included, the guys that aren't in a podcast network with you that you don't profit from. | ||
| Hold on, listen for a second. | ||
| He's not saying you've done anything specifically wrong. | ||
| You knew I was going to say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brian, let him talk. | |
| Let him talk. | ||
| He's not saying you've done anything specifically wrong. | ||
| He's saying, wouldn't it be nice to have built a page or in the future to build a page to include the people in that group to begin with? | ||
| If you're going to call something Death Squad, it should be all of us. | ||
| It should be Joey Diaz. | ||
| It should be Duncan. | ||
| It should be people that have never been in the podcast. | ||
| There we go right there. | ||
| Who gets to choose who's on it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about me? | |
| How about I'll choose? | ||
| Yeah, but why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are you considered Death Squad? | |
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| Why would I be considered Death Squad? | ||
| How about because I'm going to treat it fairly? | ||
| How about because I'm going to let in people that are actually... | ||
| Tell me how I'm not. | ||
| Because there's somebody that you might want on there that I might not want on there and there might be somebody that already wants on there. | ||
| You don't think Duncan deserves to be in because you and him are having an argument? | ||
| You don't think that Duncan deserves to be a part of the Death Squad? | ||
| What is your argument? | ||
| You were trying to tell me before, but I don't like any arguments when you were... | ||
| The argument comes from Duncan getting upset at Brian when we were in Atlanta, saying that Brian doesn't pay the comedians when he charges money for the shows at the Ice House, and that he should. | ||
| Yeah, you should pay them. | ||
| But yeah, I do, and he just doesn't. | ||
| No, you only paid the MCs. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, again, Joe. | ||
| You should pay me. | ||
| Now, are you going to throw me under the bus, too? | ||
| Because you have no idea who I pay, right? | ||
| Okay, if you started paying people recently, this is a different thing. | ||
| I'm turning off. | ||
| Don't turn off, bro. | ||
| You can't do this. | ||
| I'm not getting into this again. | ||
| Don't raise your voice and don't get crazy. | ||
| Listen, I am not agreeing. | ||
| First of all, let me explain that Duncan shouldn't have done what he did. | ||
| Live on a podcast. | ||
| He threw me under a bus. | ||
| He cornered Brian. | ||
| And he also called me drunk, even though I had a beer and a Red Bull. | ||
| Drunk is not an insult. | ||
| So he's also just fucking sitting there. | ||
| He wasn't correct. | ||
| He was trying to diminish it. | ||
| He was trying to attack me. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| The whole thing was disgusting. | ||
| The problem what I have and what he was getting at is we were talking about Southwest by Southwest, right? | ||
| Southwest by Southwest. | ||
| He does this video where it says that Southwest by Southwest makes a shitload of money, whatever it's called, and they don't pay people to come out there because he was offered to come out there and he didn't get paid. | ||
| And so what I had brought up is that I had been hearing that it really, it's all about the venues. | ||
| Like Southwest by Southwest is like a blanket name, kind of like a death squad. | ||
| And it's into each of the venues that if they want you to come out and play their bar, that they might pay you. | ||
| But Southwest doesn't do anything except promote it as a big party. | ||
| They do advertising and promotions and stuff like that. | ||
| And then what a duck can do. | ||
| Duncan made a video saying that they don't pay anyone and they steal from comics. | ||
| So what happened is I was talking and I was explaining like, hey, I heard this and he goes, you're drunk. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, okay, this is not, you're really paraphrasing. | ||
| Obviously, obviously, obviously. | ||
| So what then it turned into that he said on a podcast, you steal from comics. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| He goes, you steal from comedy. | ||
| You don't pay your comics. | ||
| I'm like, well, Duncan, one, why do you think I don't pay my comics? | ||
| I do pay the MC or the host, usually which is like Tony Hinchcliffe or Will. | ||
| I give them 40 to 60 bucks. | ||
| And then I pay, usually if there's any people like Little Esther or anyone that I know that is like fucking, you know, like they don't even have gas money to get there, I'll throw them 20 to 40 bucks sometime. | ||
| And like as an example, this last one, I gave, you know, Little Esther money, I gave Mark Ellis some cash and, you know, I spread it out. | ||
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| People have been grumbling. | ||
| You've got to share that cash with people. | ||
| What have people been saying? | ||
| I'm driving out there. | ||
| There's a cover charge. | ||
| How am I not getting paid? | ||
| Who's saying this? | ||
| You don't want to say names. | ||
| People are saying it. | ||
| People are pissed. | ||
| Here's a couple reasons why. | ||
| One, because I don't get paid until the following week. | ||
| Anything I pay for that night is I have to go to an ATM, I have to take out money, and I have to fucking go, alright, how much money did I make? | ||
| Did this sell out? | ||
| You don't get paid until when? | ||
| The following week, usually. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And so then I have to figure out how much money did I kind of make? | ||
| Did it sell out? | ||
| You just asked them right there at the door. | ||
| How much money did we bring in? | ||
| I could do that if I wasn't doing a live podcast at the same time. | ||
| But anyways, then I get taxed on all that. | ||
| So everything I make there, which is not even the door. | ||
| I don't get the full door. | ||
| I get like 60% of the door or something like that. | ||
| Then I get taxed on it. | ||
| So that pretty much cuts in half. | ||
| So what my average usually is, is about $200 to $300 I make on a show. | ||
| I usually spend about $100 giving it to Miss Elaine's comics to $150. | ||
| And the other $150 to me is like, okay, now I could either not do the show or make $150 for booking a show, advertising a show, and producing all that show. | ||
| Wait, it's $15 a ticket times $80? | ||
| It's usually $15 when Joe does it and $10 when I do it. | ||
| But I give out so many free tickets that it's usually paper. | ||
| Not when Joe does it. | ||
| I give it out when Joe does it, too. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| I don't have to, usually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But usually, yeah. | |
| That's not giving away free tickets. | ||
| This is what the comedy store does that I like. | ||
| They split the main room, just the one show, but it's nice. | ||
| The main room, half goes to the comedy store, half goes to the comedians. | ||
| Let me say something. | ||
| Here's how you avoid all this. | ||
| Don't actually do the show at all. | ||
| That's what I want to do. | ||
| This is how you avoid all this forever. | ||
| Be infallibly generous. | ||
| Be generous to the point where they can't infallibly. | ||
| Do it to the point where they can't argue against it. | ||
| Be generous to the point where you're not saying, you know, I'm going to make $150 because I feel like I deserve it. | ||
| No, no, no, you know what I want to do? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You know what that makes me want to do? | ||
| Not do it at all. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Okay, but Brian, that's a very defensive stance, especially when you're talking to me. | ||
| And the reason that people are going to the show is because I'm headlining and I'm promoting it on my Twitter. | ||
| Obviously, it's not a bad thing, man. | ||
| Look, you should make some money. | ||
| You should make some money. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I don't do it for money. | ||
| I don't want anything to do it for money, but I also don't want to do anything like that for free because I consider that work. | ||
| Then you're doing it for money. | ||
| If you don't want to do it for free, then you're doing it for money. | ||
| You should be paid... | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Then, okay, man, listen, you're sounding like a little kid. | ||
| This is craziness, because I'm not being mad at you at all. | ||
| No, but people are attacking me on podcasts. | ||
| No one here is attacking you, bro. | ||
| You and I are friends. | ||
| We're like brothers, okay? | ||
| Ari's like a brother. | ||
| We're all here together. | ||
| We're trying to talk, but you're, like, really trigger-strung. | ||
| And one of the reasons is because you feel like they're attacking you for this choice, and you're trying to defend this choice. | ||
| I am. | ||
| What I'm saying is the only reason why they even can attack you is because there is a point of view that they're expressing that may be valid. | ||
| It's the same as South by Southwest where their version is this, like, well, you should want to be here. | ||
| It's a really fun time. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, I do want to be there. | ||
| But it would also be nice if the money you're collecting for these shows in Austin would come to some of us who are doing the shows for you. | ||
| There's good in having those shows there. | ||
| I think it's good for the comedy club. | ||
| I think it's good for the... | ||
| First of all, the comedians should be getting paid directly to the comedy club so you don't have to fuck them. | ||
| You can easily do that. | ||
| You should. | ||
| That's easy. | ||
| Well, that's what I'll plan on doing. | ||
| See, honestly, to me in the past... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can easily do that. | |
| Have them take each of their checks. | ||
| To me in the past, honestly, it was more like, you know what? | ||
| This isn't how it should be, but right now I'm too busy to fucking sit down, renegotiate this thing that we started a long time ago. | ||
| Okay, well, that's honest. | ||
| That's very honest of you. | ||
| And I never did not... | ||
| I've never... | ||
| I'm not paid anyone on a show, meaning there was never a show where I didn't pay anybody. | ||
| Sometimes, Brian, when you get really mad at something, it's because people are right. | ||
| And it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. | ||
| It means they might have a point and you need to stand back. | ||
| This is the reason why I'm pissed off at this, or we're originally pissed off at it. | ||
| Because I first heard of one of the first things I did was Duncan did this and I did it on a live podcast. | ||
| He blindsided you. | ||
| He blindsided me. | ||
| And while, if you went to deathsquad.tv, there was a huge fucking link that I did out of the unkindness of my heart. | ||
| He didn't ask me to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| But don't, don't. | ||
| To buy his poster. | ||
| Okay, hold on. | ||
| You have this tendency during an argument to bring up something else you've done nice for a person to then And somehow mean, so how dare you bring up this A argument when I've done B and C for you? | ||
| We have three minutes. | ||
| He's got a very good point. | ||
| The only reason I would say that is because in the past I've done a lot for this guy. | ||
| And instead of just talking to me and going, hey, why don't you do this or that? | ||
| And I could explain this whole thing I just did to you. | ||
| And he'd be like, oh, that kind of makes sense. | ||
| Well, we have three minutes. | ||
| We have to end this. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Listen, we're going to end this part. | ||
| We're going to come back and wrap this up because this is too ridiculous. | ||
| We'll have a little part one and a part two. | ||
| So let's stop this portion of it and we'll come back with a very informal five minutes. | ||
| We'll take a little break and we'll come right back. | ||
| But we need to relax and calm this down because this is really getting crazy. | ||
| Smoking a J will help that. | ||
| I like the way you think. | ||
| So let's pause it right now. | ||
| Let's thank the Fleshlight. | ||
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| Thank you also to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T.com, makers of Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech, all that shit. | ||
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