May 1, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:50:34
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Today's all about positivity, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Today, we're bringing it back to the plus sign. | ||
| There's been some ripples in the force over the last few days. | ||
| We've gone through them, and through a strict diet of staying awake all night and not getting enough food in our system, we're back. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm living off macaroni salad. | |
| And living off macaroni salad and fleshlights. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| It's also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| Brian, we're going to get you some Onnit pills. | ||
| We're going to get you up Onnit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Get up Onnit. | |
| What is Onnit? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Well, most of it is nootropics, alpha brain being the most popular and most controversial and my favorite one. | ||
| What nootropics are, if you're interested in any of this stuff, I suggest you Google it. | ||
| Go Google the word nootropic and... | ||
| Listen to the research pro and con. | ||
| There's been studies done on various nootropics that have actually helped people who had Alzheimer's disease. | ||
| There's a bunch of research to suggest that there are nutrients that can enhance the levels of neurotransmitters that your brain makes and enhance the way your brain functions. | ||
| It's very controversial. | ||
| But if you're interested in it and you want to try it, AlphaBrain, the first 30 pills, there's a 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| If you try it and you're like, this stuff sucks, you don't even have to bring the pills back. | ||
| You don't have to send them back in. | ||
| You just say, this is not for me. | ||
| If you are into it, enter in the code name ROGAN and you'll save 10% off any and all orders. | ||
| And go to this website and check out all the different information and all the different explanations for what each thing is supposed to do and do your research. | ||
| Google it and check it all out. | ||
| But we're very concerned with making sure that no one feels ripped off in any way, shape, or form. | ||
| That's primary before even making money. | ||
| That's why it's 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| On your first order. | ||
| If you try it and you're like, this is just not my shit. | ||
| I take it. | ||
| I took it before I ever endorsed any of this stuff. | ||
| I took Bill Romanowski's Neuro One. | ||
| If you know about Bill Romanowski, he had a lot of head injuries, a lot of concussions. | ||
| And one of the ways he dealt with it was concocting this nootropic blend. | ||
| And I became fascinated with nootropics. | ||
| And his stuff I still recommend, and I still buy it, too. | ||
| It's good stuff. | ||
| And it actually has a bit of, I believe it has a bit of caffeine in it, too, which I like, you know, if I want a real fucking pick-me-up. | ||
| It's great stuff. | ||
| Anyway, check it out. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, my friend. | ||
| Brian Callens here, and the party will now begin. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Ladies. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's a Jack Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast by night. | ||
|
unidentified
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All day. | |
| Is that my boy Nick? | ||
| That's Nick Diaz. | ||
| Nick Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Nick Diaz is in the opening forever. | ||
| That was one of the coolest moments of my UFC broadcasting career. | ||
| How about Rory McDonald giving you a shout out? | ||
| He's in there too. | ||
| He's in the beginning. | ||
| That kid is ridiculous. | ||
| Oh my God, he's scary. | ||
| That guy was so much bigger than him too. | ||
| So scary. | ||
| He's like, I'm going to shoot a single leg on you at will and then I'm going to climb you and I'm going to beat you up. | ||
| He's so scary because, first of all, he's super-duper dedicated. | ||
| And he's one of those kids, he's only like 22. When you're only like 22, 23 years old, man, if you get that good that young, you can get away with a lot of shit. | ||
| He's the one who came up with just pure MMA. But I also think, as good as these athletes are now and everything else, there are some people that have a real edge, but it's got to be because of their philosophy and who's teaching them. | ||
| It's that. | ||
| It's certainly part of that. | ||
| But to get a Roy McDonald, it's so rare. | ||
| It's so rare that you get someone who has that kind of focus, that kind of intensity. | ||
| Dude, how about his stare in the beginning of that fight? | ||
| Yeah, it's a creepy stare. | ||
| Dude, he just goes quiet. | ||
| His whole body just goes fucking quiet. | ||
| Like a predator. | ||
| Like the way a lion, when it stops really quickly, sees a gazelle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just shoot. | ||
| And I was like, that dude's so focused, it's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, he's very unusual. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very unusual kid. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, he really is. | |
| He seems like a really nice guy outside of fighting, super friendly, really easy going, and just mauling motherfuckers. | ||
| Yeah, he just does what he wants. | ||
| And at 22, you see, at that age, when you're really young like that, you can get so good so quick. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| With kids that are really focused and really dedicated at those early ages, they make these huge leaps. | ||
| In like six, eight months, these giant leaps that take a grown man years to hit. | ||
| They can just really accelerate so quickly. | ||
| I think that's like, my buddy is writing a book on learning, and he's kind of like just one of these guys who went to Harvard and studied. | ||
| He speaks literally, he really does speak like seven languages fluently, like really does. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he has his degree in biomedical engineering and all that. | ||
| He's kind of a genius. | ||
| And I said, how do you speak all those languages? | ||
| He goes, well, it's funny because I'm writing a book about learning. | ||
| And I said, well, what's your philosophy? | ||
| He said, well, most of the time with learning, when you have to learn something, you already have a lot of preconceived notions about what you can and can't do. | ||
| So you usually come to the equation with this notion that I'm good at this, I'm not good at that. | ||
| Because somebody along the way told you that. | ||
| So most of what learning is is just getting out of your own way before you can even learn anything. | ||
| Because you come to it with your own projection, your own sort of scaffolding that you put on it. | ||
| And so his philosophy is like he just said, I can speak languages. | ||
| I'm going to get out of my own way. | ||
| I can speak languages. | ||
| I'm going to find the system. | ||
| So it's like Tim Ferriss says, if you want to learn Spanish, you only have to know really 2.5% of the words and you can understand 95% of Spanish. | ||
| It'll take you five more years to learn 5% of all the Spanish words, but you'll only understand 98% of Spanish. | ||
| The increment is very small. | ||
| So there's a system to learning. | ||
| It's just like when you want to educate yourself. | ||
| There's a system to it. | ||
| There's a way to do it. | ||
| There's a methodology and actually a pattern and a path to follow. | ||
| And most people spend a lot of time wasting a lot of time with a lot of periphery stuff. | ||
| Mainly dealing with the fact that they're not good at this. | ||
| I'm not good at math. | ||
| I'm not good at languages. | ||
| I'm not good with money. | ||
| And what he'll do in his book, his premise, is those are all belief systems that somebody else put on you. | ||
| That's actually not true. | ||
| And you can get rid of them if you know how to approach something. | ||
| So it's pretty wild. | ||
| So, you know, someone like Rory McDonald probably started so young that this is a language and it's the only language he's ever known. | ||
| So when you teach him something, he's not in his own way. | ||
| He's like, well, I'll just incorporate this into my arsenal. | ||
| That's a real good point because when we used to get guys who came from other styles that would want to learn Taekwondo, there's a difference to the style of kicking and a lot of it incorporated how you lifted up your knees. | ||
| And they had developed a style of kicking where the knee was down and then the foot was above the knee. | ||
| And it's a more like leg-centric style of kicking. | ||
| Whereas the Taekwondo style, the knee is up high, which opens the hips up. | ||
| And when the hips open up, then there's a turn of the whole body and it's got so much more power to it. | ||
| But we couldn't teach them how to do it. | ||
| They all would, especially when sparring, they would just drop their knee and it would be normal stuff and be like, you gotta get your knee up. | ||
| That's the most important thing. | ||
| The knee is everything. | ||
| The knee comes power. | ||
| A huge part of learning also is exactly what you're saying because like a lot of times, you go to what's comfortable. | ||
| And because practicing, actually the way to get good at something obviously is to practice what you're not good at and what makes you uncomfortable. | ||
| It doesn't have to make you uncomfortable. | ||
| What's making you uncomfortable is the notion that you, is the things that you've put on it. | ||
| So I'm weak, I'm not good. | ||
| You see a lot of guys that come into Jiu Jitsu and they only do what they're good with. | ||
| They don't spend time on their back or they don't spend time whatever. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they're gonna look vulnerable. | ||
| But you're defining that process as vulnerable. | ||
| You can redefine the process. | ||
| You can decide that it's just you getting better because you're working on where you're soft, right? | ||
| So it's really, so much of it is your attitude monitors your talent. | ||
| What you come in with. | ||
| And actually, a more specific way of saying it is what you don't come in with it. | ||
| So much of learning is actually not an addition, a process of addition. | ||
| It's a process of deletion. | ||
| You're deleting, you know? | ||
| You're, I think actually, you know, it's funny as you become an adult and you get better at something, you know, certainly for me with stand-up, so much of it is just like letting go of a lot of stuff, like deleting things in my mind that I don't need to be thinking about. | ||
| I should be thinking about something very positive. | ||
| So you start learning, oh, I start drifting off into something I'm worried about. | ||
| I just gently bring my mind back to writing about stand-up. | ||
| I bring it back to stand-up. | ||
| I bring it back to writing a joke. | ||
| I bring it back to I'm thinking about this TV show I'm trying to do. | ||
| So you can actually get very disciplined and good at redirecting your mind. | ||
| It's not an active process. | ||
| You can make it a very passive process. | ||
| You know, a lot of times when you hear people talk about work, I gotta go to work. | ||
| I gotta do this work. | ||
| We put this sort of sacred scaffold, this sacred fence around work. | ||
| I'm playing and now I'm going to work. | ||
| It shouldn't be that way. | ||
| You can completely blur that line. | ||
| You can completely just decide, well, work is what I do anyway. | ||
| I'm just going to gently start thinking about what I want to be and what I want to be doing and how to create something. | ||
| Yeah, the work issues are very, it's a very touchy issue for a lot of people because most people, that's the bane of their existence. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And with us, it's actually what we love to do. | ||
| That's a trick pill for a lot of people to swallow. | ||
| That's really fucking hard. | ||
| It's really hard. | ||
| A lot of people don't want to hear that. | ||
| We associate the idea with work at some point in our life with displeasure. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| With uncomfort. | ||
| You don't want to be there. | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
| It's not what you look forward to. | ||
| Well, because I think the ideal, when you talk about work, the ideal is, and I think anybody who's in a position where they don't like, if you're in a job you hate or whatever, the only way to get out of that job is, people say, well, I'm going to move and I'm going to do this, is actually to come up with another idea. | ||
| If you can try to come up with a better idea, it'll beat the other idea. | ||
| So you might be doing something, but the work actually is about imagination. | ||
| It's about just sitting there and letting it come to you. | ||
| Figuring out, what is your process? | ||
| What is your process? | ||
| Everybody has a different process. | ||
| I'm listening to music, some people walk. | ||
| What's the process you have to undertake? | ||
| To feel, to get yourself into a creative mode where you're coming up with ideas. | ||
| Whether you're an entrepreneur, whether you're a writer, whether you're a painter, even if you're an athlete. | ||
| I mean, you know, Rory McDonald, those guys have to constantly, the thing about MMA that I'm noticing is they always have to reinvent. | ||
| They've got to keep adding to their arsenal. | ||
| They've got to keep growing. | ||
| And a lot of that's imagination, man. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| I mean, a lot of it's imagination. | ||
| Yeah, that's how it's manifesting itself. | ||
| Their creativity isn't beating the fuck out of people. | ||
| What people don't understand is you actually have to be creative in fighting. | ||
| It's a very creative thing. | ||
| When you get good at it, a lot of it is figuring out how to hit someone in a way where they can't hit you back. | ||
| Or where you hit them first, where they're trying to hit you but you get out of the way and then you counter and hit them. | ||
| And in doing that, you can pick up. | ||
| Dumb people fight dumb. | ||
| They waddle forward. | ||
| First they throw the left and then they throw the right. | ||
| And all you have to do is keep your wits about you. | ||
| You see the left coming, you know the right's coming. | ||
| It's not going to be an uppercut either. | ||
| It's going to be a big stupid overhand right. | ||
| And that's the language that they communicate in. | ||
| When you're creative, you become very scary. | ||
| A guy like Jon Jones is very frightening to people because he's very creative in his attack. | ||
| You don't know what he's going to do. | ||
| He fights Shogun. | ||
| Shogun's like the best striker he's ever fought. | ||
| He opens with a flying knee, cracks him in the jaw, and Shogun's never the same. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's right. | |
| He fucked him up from the first few seconds of the fight. | ||
| Well, when he threw Rashad Evans in that flying triangle, he's just like, I'm doing MMA. I just want to see if I can do it. | ||
| He just pulled guard for no reason. | ||
| Sakuraba was that way. | ||
| I remember Sakuraba would show up in a t-shirt that said water, or he'd paint muscles on himself, and he was completely creative, and I think that's the lesson, right? | ||
| Yeah, you don't know what he's doing. | ||
| Yeah, but that comes from, if you actually look at most people, and we all do it, A lot of people, especially young people, as they start becoming aware of the world around them, what they'll do is they'll look for something very strong to define themselves as. | ||
| I'm a fighter. | ||
| I'm a slacker. | ||
| I'm a skateboarder. | ||
| I'm a fucking rebel. | ||
| I get tattooed. | ||
| And when you define yourself along really strong lines, I think it becomes very... | ||
| Character-wise. | ||
| I'm talking about defining yourself just as a person, as a thing. | ||
| I am a Republican. | ||
| Well, I'm a right-wing guy, so I feel as a conservative. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And what happens when you do that is that it's very hard not to take yourself very seriously in that regard, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you don't have room to create because that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Those lines are very precious and you don't want to break those lines because then you don't know where to go. | ||
| Then you're in the danger zone. | ||
| When you define yourself very strongly like that, it's kind of like a way of Protecting yourself. | ||
| But I think someone like, what's his name? | ||
| The Spider. | ||
| Anderson Silva. | ||
| He comes up dancing. | ||
| That's part of his technique. | ||
| He's very loose. | ||
| He stays loose. | ||
| He doesn't take it too seriously. | ||
| Kind of raises his hands when Cheryl Sonnen is calling him out. | ||
| Hey Brian, is the image down? | ||
|
unidentified
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Huh? | |
| Is the image down on Ustream? | ||
|
unidentified
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Image? | |
| No. | ||
| It's a big black screen. | ||
| Lately, Ustream's been weird with browsers. | ||
|
unidentified
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A lot of people are saying the sound doesn't work and stuff. | |
| I think Chrome mostly. | ||
| I'm using Safari. | ||
| What do you use? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, okay. | |
| I refreshed it. | ||
| It came back. | ||
| By the way, people watching this are probably wondering why I'm dressed like a professional athlete. | ||
| A real professional athlete. | ||
| Well, I look like a professional soccer player. | ||
| I look like a European soccer player. | ||
| Maybe rugby. | ||
| Maybe rugby. | ||
| Dude, I've got a thick neck. | ||
| You can't tell right now because I'm wearing a collar. | ||
| But I have a beautiful body under this. | ||
| What was your Showtime special called? | ||
| It's called Man Class. | ||
| Man Class? | ||
| It's called Man Class. | ||
| And it was ridiculous. | ||
| I need to come up with a name for mine. | ||
| I've had very good feedback. | ||
| Why Man Class? | ||
| Because I was like, I'm talking about what it is to be a man in 2012. And I was like, I'm just going to fucking teach a man class right now. | ||
| And I'm obsessed with this problem of masculinity in a fucking world that's so technological. | ||
| Like, we're still producing testosterone and I know. | ||
| We're aggressive. | ||
| All we can do is simulate. | ||
| I go to the gym. | ||
| I'm doing fucking kettlebells. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What the fuck do I need to swing a kettlebell for? | ||
| But I got to keep my traps up to fucking... | ||
| I'm learning how to box with my buddy Kieran Gallagher. | ||
| In my backyard, he's bringing me through all this stuff. | ||
| Really, Brian? | ||
| Well, listen, man. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| Somewhere along the line, we got made to feel guilty for being manly. | ||
| For being men. | ||
| For liking men's shit. | ||
| For liking manly things. | ||
| We got, somehow or another, we became guilty of that. | ||
| I think women, you gotta let chicks be chicks. | ||
| You gotta let them wear their crazy heels and their nutty short skirts and the heels that you don't understand, the dresses that don't mean anything to you, but to them it's super important. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That's all girly shit. | ||
| If that's what you're into, that's fine. | ||
| But if you're into manly shit, if you're into man-style things, you're looked down upon. | ||
| Like, oh, come on. | ||
| That's what makes me so angry. | ||
| That's what makes me so angry because, listen, up until very fucking recently, we've had to fight. | ||
| And hunt for our own food. | ||
| Think about what kind of aggression it takes to get on a horse or run through the forest and spear a wild animal and then cut its throat with a stone knife or just a regular knife. | ||
| You smell that animal? | ||
| I use a stone knife personally. | ||
| I don't want to brag, but I like to hunt with stone tools. | ||
| I watched a whole special, I believe it was on the History Channel, where guys made bows and arrows the traditional way and went hunting with it. | ||
| I just pitched a show to Discovery with my buddy Sam Sheridan, who you know, and we're going to go and find all the masculine pockets in a demasculated America. | ||
| So we're basically going to find guys in Hawaii who hunt wild boar using traditional Hawaiian, like the ancient hunting tools, like stones, spears, and whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And we're going to go find those groups and just kind of like showcase these groups and kind of join them and it could be a funny fucking show. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That could be amazing. | ||
| There's a huge need for men. | ||
| You know, women have an instinct to preen, right? | ||
| They just have an instinct to preen. | ||
| They're like birds. | ||
| You see them, they got 15 different lip glosses and different creams. | ||
| They're rubbing their hair. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Combing it 100 strokes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Guys, you know, my joke about guys, the criteria for guys, the way they dress is they don't want to look like a pussy and they got to be comfortable. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| I don't like any loose hanging shit, okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I even think that, you know, I can't prove this, but whenever you see a dude, like I always make this joke, but it's true. | ||
| If you're in Boston or parts of Long Island or New York and you show up in a cool, you're a guy and you show up in like a really sexy, like hipster outfit and you got like fucking awesome bangles and you got a nose ring, you can get beat up. | ||
| By just dudes. | ||
| Just because of the way you fucking look. | ||
| They're like, I don't like that guy. | ||
| How come? | ||
| He's got a fucking nose ring and he's got bangles. | ||
| I'm going to punch him in the face. | ||
| And I think it might be because that guy's not part of our hunting party. | ||
| Because all that fucking jewelry makes a lot of noise. | ||
| And the fucking animals hear him. | ||
| And they smell his fucking cologne. | ||
| And they can smell that too. | ||
| So I'm going fucking hungry. | ||
| So you're not my hunting party. | ||
| So I'm going to beat you up. | ||
| Because you represent hunger to me. | ||
| I really think that's part of what we have. | ||
| That instinct. | ||
| That's a funny way of thinking about it. | ||
| I always thought it was just, you know, want some douche coming around dressed like, you know... | ||
| Stealing my women? | ||
| Like a pirate, you know? | ||
| You want some dude who thinks he's Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean and he's walking down your street wearing mascara talking to girls. | ||
| Like, what are you doing, dude? | ||
| Dude, I fucking... | ||
| I live in Venice, okay? | ||
| I see dudes with hoop earrings and they're straight. | ||
| If you're gay, it's fine. | ||
| You get away with a lot. | ||
| But I see guys just show up with like a... | ||
| I saw a guy with a leather, like... | ||
| Like a leather holster. | ||
| When you say hoop earrings, how big are these hoops? | ||
| They were very big. | ||
| They were very fucking big, okay? | ||
| Is that the new thing? | ||
| Dudes are trying to wear big Diana Ross in the 70s earrings? | ||
| He had a mane of thick hair that he tied with this awesome bow. | ||
| Part of it was I was just jealous of the fact that he has great hair. | ||
| But he looked like a fucking pirate. | ||
| He had his jeans rolled up just so with these awesome boots. | ||
| I was like, where can I vote for you, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
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Joe, did you have both ears pierced? | |
| No, just the left. | ||
| I had two piercings. | ||
| I had a lower one and then a diamond. | ||
| And by lower one, he means his dick, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And then I tried to rock two hoops at the same time, but I was like, what is that about? | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You're too tough looking. | ||
| And then I tried to rock two studs at the same time, and I'm like, oh, this is so stupid. | ||
| So then I went to one tiny little hoop earring, I think somewhere around news radio. | ||
| And then jujitsu, just constantly taking it out to roll. | ||
| I'm just like, this is stupid. | ||
| It's how you get staffed, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
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Have you tried to put one in recently? | |
| I just tried it the other day, and it went right in. | ||
| I'm like, oh, shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm hearing both pierce, though. | ||
| Did you think about doing it? | ||
| I did it for a day, as a joke. | ||
| My dad was an Irish kind of marine, just kind of a rough dude who grew up on a farm. | ||
| If I showed up with a hat... | ||
| Or like just something cool at dinner. | ||
| He'd just do shit like this. | ||
| He was just this big fucking dude and he'd go... | ||
| Why are you wearing that hat? | ||
| That's all you have to ask me. | ||
| One time I had a goatee. | ||
| I grew a mustache, a little awesome soul patch on my chin, and I was going to Italy, and I spent way too much on clothes because I was going to be Italian. | ||
| And my father... | ||
| I was like 28. My father looks at me and he goes like this. | ||
| He goes, what's going on with your face? | ||
| And I go, oh, no, I just thought I'd grow a mustache and a little goatee, you know? | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long are you going to wear that for around me? | ||
| I go, you don't like it? | ||
| He goes, it's not you. | ||
| It's not you. | ||
| There is something weird about when you go really try hard to change your image. | ||
| But it's one of those things where it's really kind of dependent upon... | ||
| How transparent are your intentions? | ||
| Or are you just one of those dudes that really can just pull that shit off like Joey Diaz could he could pull off anything he wanted if he really believed in it was 100% behind it. | ||
| Joey Diaz could start wearing jumpsuits. | ||
| Yeah, I'm bringing back jumpsuits and fanny packs like if you had a backpack everywhere of Joey Diaz just all sudden started wearing like running suits with a backpack. | ||
| We would go. | ||
| All right, I guess that's how he's doing it now. | ||
| Dude, I've never been able to... | ||
| That's the other reason is I just don't know how to do it. | ||
| I'm really bad with putting clothing together. | ||
| I don't have any creativity. | ||
| When I shot my special, I went to see this stylist, and the dude shows up, and he's got me in a hat. | ||
| I have a hat, a fucking necklace, and a blazer. | ||
| And by the way, I looked outstanding! | ||
| I look fucking outstanding. | ||
| I was like, I'm the best looking guy in America. | ||
| I was like, this is great. | ||
| Problem is, I don't know how to wear a hat or jewelry or a fucking blazer. | ||
| It's too hot. | ||
| It feels too constrictive. | ||
| And I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. | ||
| I'm doing it because I'd be very aware of the fact that I looked awesome. | ||
| Or at least I'd act that way. | ||
| And I just can't do it. | ||
| You know, it just doesn't work. | ||
| Well, being a comedian, too, you can only be so ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know, you can only, like, try. | ||
| So, like, who wants to watch a comedian go on stage dressed like he's trying to get laid? | ||
| Who wants to watch a comedian with, like, skin-tight shirts with a button-up? | ||
| What are those things called? | ||
| The button-up? | ||
| The thermals or whatever? | ||
| No. | ||
| But you know that style. | ||
| There's like a style to it. | ||
| You can't be too... | ||
| All sexy and tight and then pants that already have rips in them. | ||
| If you're Russell Brandt, you can do that. | ||
| But I don't really... | ||
| Again, I'm not as good looking as Russell Brandt. | ||
| I saw that the other day where the guy had his hair done up like 90210. Like the slick poof in the top front. | ||
| And he had the white shirt that kind of was cut too low. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he had a little shell necklace thing going on there. | |
| And he was doing jokes about how everyone... | ||
| Everyone confuses me with Dylan from 902. He actually brought up the way he looked. | ||
| Was this like an open mic night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, this was a show, just a regular show. | |
| Dove Davidoff tells us this real joke, which is based on a true story, where a guy got out of a BMW when he first got to LA. And Dove grew up in a junkyard in Jersey. | ||
| So the guy fucking gets out of a BMW and he's wearing kind of a cape. | ||
| Like a cape. | ||
| Kind of like a long... | ||
| It's not even a duster, it's a cape. | ||
| And the guy goes, hey, you know what time it is? | ||
| And Dove's like... | ||
| You're just going to ask me what time it is? | ||
| Like, you're not wearing a fucking cape? | ||
| It's time to take the fucking cape off, jerk off! | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I'll punch you in the face right now and I don't even know you! | ||
| It's so hilarious, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen that thing that Robert Kelly wears? | |
| He talks about it once in a while in Opie and Anthony, and it's like a... | ||
| I can't remember the name of it, but it's like a fanny pack that instead of having it around your crotch, it's like this thing that goes from the left side to the right side like a seat belt. | ||
| Only Robert Kelly can get away with that. | ||
| I love Robert. | ||
| It's a man purse. | ||
| Robert could get away with it though. | ||
| It's a man purse. | ||
| As you get older and you're not trying to get laid, you start saying things like, what the fuck? | ||
| Why don't I just have a purse? | ||
| You start saying shit like, sometimes I have cargo shorts on. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I have a lot of shit. | ||
| I got my keys. | ||
| I got some money. | ||
| I got some gum. | ||
| The other day I was in my car singing at the top of my lungs and these girls pulled up and usually I would have been like, I'm a fucking idiot. | ||
| Nah, I was like... | ||
| I was singing as loud as I could. | ||
| What is the song you're singing? | ||
| I was singing a new song by Springsteen called Death to Our Hometown. | ||
| Whoa, you just went deep. | ||
| I sure did, guys. | ||
| You told me you had some sort of religious experience at a Springsteen show? | ||
| I had, and I'm not joking. | ||
| I went and saw him. | ||
| He's 62. I've seen Springsteen, let's call it, because I'm on the podcast and I want to exaggerate 30 times. | ||
| It's probably closer to 15. And he's 62 and, well, he's never been better. | ||
| He's writing songs on a level that he's just as good as anything he's ever done. | ||
| And, you know, everybody else, the Rolling Stones, you see, it's a revival tour. | ||
| They're just singing the San Diego Eagles. | ||
| This guy's still producing on a level that he was producing at when he was 24 years old. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| He's more than amazing because he literally... | ||
| I was watching him and I was literally having... | ||
| This is going to sound really cheesy, but I'm a huge fan of his. | ||
| I became an actor because of him. | ||
| I became a stand-up because of him. | ||
| I listened to his songs because there was something in his voice. | ||
| But for me, it was literally so overwhelming because he's so timeless. | ||
| He's aligned with something, the dude. | ||
| And it's because what motivates him is way more than his own appetites and what he wants to do. | ||
| What motivates him is... | ||
| Something much bigger than himself. | ||
| And I don't know what that is, but you can feel it. | ||
| It's probably the love of all those people. | ||
| He's got such a fanatical crowd. | ||
| Oh, but it's also about saying something, man. | ||
| Yeah, but the love of all those people that are responding to what he's saying. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The intense connection that Springsteen has to his fans. | ||
| It's because of, you know, like, it's like Born to Run. | ||
| There's songs that like people just, you hear that and that's like, that's a slice of history. | ||
| Go read the lyrics of Greetings from Asbury Park and Darkness on the Edge of Town. | ||
| Because what he was doing there was literally like, he kind of almost invented a language that changed a lot of like the artistic landscape in New York at least. | ||
| You know, Sam Shepard was writing plays based on that album, man. | ||
| No one has ever got rid of a chick that was a problem in his life and wrote a better song about it than Springsteen did. | ||
| She's the one? | ||
| She's the one? | ||
| You ever hear that? | ||
| I don't know that one, but I know Brilliant Disguise. | ||
| I remember hearing that because I was like early 20s when I heard that. | ||
| And I was, you know, always in terrible relationships. | ||
| Always chaos. | ||
| Some of them just didn't work out because of you. | ||
| Some of them was because of her. | ||
| But... | ||
| You knew enough crazy people in your life at a certain point to realize that you could get fucked in a relationship. | ||
| And when I saw that Bruce Springsteen got fucked, and then I realized, I was like, oh, see what happened? | ||
| She was really hot, so she pretended to be something, and then he got close to her, and he got to know her, and she was kind of a cunt. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Go listen to Jungle Land, She's the One. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, I know that song. | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| And Backstreet's? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Backstreet's is about this... | ||
| And by the way, the brilliant disguise is like 15 years later. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Not only is he prolific like that, he's given songs away to people like the Pointer Sisters and Patti Smith, and that was their biggest hit. | ||
| Because there's a documentary called The Promise where he'd been... | ||
| Born in Rome was the biggest album in the country and he was on the cover of Newsweek and Time Magazine. | ||
| He was 24 years old. | ||
| And then he went to write The Promise. | ||
| I'm sorry, he went to write Darkness on the Edge of Town. | ||
| And they wanted him to write more of the stuff from Born to Run. | ||
| That's what his fans want. | ||
| And not only that, he was writing hit songs and giving them away. | ||
| And Steve Van Zandt was like, writing hit songs is so fucking hard and he's giving them away. | ||
| And he comes into the studio and he goes, well, let's see what we're going to throw away today. | ||
| And you see Steve Van Zandt go, please don't throw that song away. | ||
| Please don't. | ||
| It's so perfect. | ||
| Please. | ||
| And he's like, it doesn't fit in the album. | ||
| It just doesn't fit in the album. | ||
| And he was so uncompromising. | ||
| They said, what drove you? | ||
| He said, I want it to be great. | ||
| Because I knew I had it inside me. | ||
| And I wanted to be great. | ||
| And I wanted to do something that nobody else... | ||
| I just didn't want to do anything derivative. | ||
| And I talked to him for an hour and a half about songwriting, which is kind of exciting. | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| I went backstage a long time ago with Jeremy Piven. | ||
| And I literally talked to him about stand-up and about writing songs for an hour and a half. | ||
| It was just me, him, Jeremy, his wife, and my buddy Anthony Tambakis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Who's going to be my next guest in the Brian Callen show. | ||
| Anthony Tambakis? | ||
| Yeah, he wrote Warrior. | ||
| Warrior was a good movie. | ||
| That movie did not get nearly enough respect. | ||
| It really did. | ||
| I was surprised. | ||
| My wife loved it. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| It's a good movie. | ||
| The only unrealistic thing is that they fought two days in a row. | ||
| They didn't have to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That could have been worked out. | ||
| Well, because Anthony and Gavin, who's the director, and they wrote it, they don't know a lot about fighting. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| They were more concerned with the story, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was still good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was still good. | ||
| Even though that was kind of nonsensical, it's a very good movie. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| God damn, Nick Nolte's a motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| He's a motherfucker. | ||
| That dude just showed up and just did that and did that take 50 times. | ||
| Like, literally, there's like, what else do you want, guys? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| If people don't know what we're talking about, there's a breakdown scene. | ||
| Nick Nolte's a recovering alcoholic. | ||
| He was a terrible father. | ||
| He basically gave birth to these two savages that meet in the finals of this MMA tournament, which, by the way, is a very accurate statement for many fighters. | ||
| There's a lot of fighters that grew up... | ||
| Broken homes. | ||
| Fucked up households. | ||
| You know, a lot of fighters grew up, you know, in dire straits as youngsters from some asshole father. | ||
| And a lot of those asshole fathers even wind up teaching those kids at first, just like his dad did in this movie. | ||
| So it was really accurate. | ||
| Like, the way they did it, it didn't seem fake. | ||
| The interactions, like, what was that dude's name? | ||
| Tom? | ||
| Tom Hardy. | ||
| Tom Hardy. | ||
| What a bad motherfucker he is. | ||
| And he's English, too. | ||
| He's from England. | ||
| But his interactions with the father, it was so realistic. | ||
| It was so believable. | ||
| Well, Anthony had a very... | ||
| He doesn't talk to his dad. | ||
| He had a very, very tough childhood with his father. | ||
| His father was not... | ||
| This is the guy who wrote it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, you know, there's a lot of personal shit in there. | ||
| Anthony, what's his last name again? | ||
| Tambacis. | ||
| Tambacis. | ||
| We just did a podcast, and it was so much fun to talk to him about art and about what's important, and he's just one of those fucking guys who really... | ||
| I'll tell you what, he nailed that movie, because that's a tired genre. | ||
| It's the martial arts champion, the good guy's gonna rise above and do it for his kids. | ||
| It's a tired genre, and he really connected, and it was really good. | ||
| It sucked, man. | ||
| I was really bummed out that movie didn't get nearly as much attention as it deserved. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it out yet on DVD or anything? | |
| I think it is. | ||
| For a while, it was the number one DVD in the country. | ||
| It's a good fucking movie, man. | ||
| Like I said, the only thing that bothered me is the non-realism. | ||
| If you tried to fight two days in a row, your whole face would be swollen. | ||
| You wouldn't be able to close your hands. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| You can't fight two days in a row. | ||
| It's too hard. | ||
| It's hard to fight more than once in a day. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| The last kickboxing tournament, I fought three times in one day. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It happens all the time in Taekwondo and wrestling. | |
| We used to wrestle more than... | ||
| If you went to a tournament, sometimes it was two days long or even it was one day long. | ||
| A lot of times you wrestle at least three times. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| Sometimes four times. | ||
| The only problem is there's no head contact in wrestling. | ||
| And the head contact in kickboxing and in MMA, that's why you can't do it two days in a row. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| No way. | ||
| You know, you get rocked the first day. | ||
| The next day, you need fucking rest, man. | ||
| You can't be getting punched in the face again. | ||
| It's actually really dangerous, too. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| If you have a mild concussion, you get hit again. | ||
| A lot of guys get concussed and still win. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| They get concussed and make it to the final round and the final round ends and they go back to sit on the corner and the corner will tell them the fight's over. | ||
| It happened recently with Alex Caceres. | ||
| He got head kicked. | ||
| I believe it was in the second round. | ||
| He got head kicked and at the end of the third round he couldn't believe the fight was over. | ||
| He's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| The fight just started. | ||
| They go, no, it's over. | ||
| He goes like, come on, man. | ||
| You guys are playing with me. | ||
| Did he win? | ||
| No, he did not. | ||
| I believe he lost the decision. | ||
| It was a really close fight. | ||
| It was a crazy fight. | ||
| And he actually came back from getting head kicked and was doing really well. | ||
| It was really amazing. | ||
| He just got hit with a really hard shot, and that's just part of the game. | ||
| The human head is... | ||
| What's it doing to you that you're ringside for all that violence? | ||
| I'm really numb to it. | ||
| It's really strange. | ||
| I've seen street fights up close and personal. | ||
| I've seen shit go down right in front of me. | ||
| My heart doesn't even skip a beat. | ||
| It's like everything's moving in slow motion. | ||
| It's real weird. | ||
| I've gotten so used to watching people beat the fuck out of each other. | ||
| On a high level. | ||
| The highest level. | ||
| The highest level in the world. | ||
| From feet away. | ||
| And then calling it. | ||
| It's an honor to do, really. | ||
| I really say that, and people say it almost sounds kind of like a false statement when you say it's an honor, but it's one of those things where the word honor doesn't get used It gets judiciously kind of tossed out. | ||
| It's actually used... | ||
| I don't think it's used enough... | ||
| Honor is something... | ||
| When a man talks about honor, it's like, oh, you're old-fashioned and stuff. | ||
| But honor is very important. | ||
| It's a very important word. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| And a sacred word. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| That's why... | ||
| If I'm doing any sort of commentary on it, I feel like I have this massive obligation to say exactly what I think is going on. | ||
| Why I think this guy is getting hit with this sort of shot. | ||
| Why he's moving in certain directions. | ||
| And it gets to the point sometimes where fighters will think that I'm being disrespectful. | ||
| Well, I don't know if that's true because I've never seen... | ||
| I've had conversations with dudes. | ||
| And I've got to tell them, I'm just critical. | ||
| If I can see it, it's there. | ||
| If I can see a hole, it's there. | ||
| It doesn't mean you can't win with that hole. | ||
| But if I see a hole, it's there. | ||
| And if you get mad at me because I'm pointing out a hole in your game, that's silly. | ||
| I'm not criticizing you. | ||
| I'm looking at the whole thing as a mathematical proposition. | ||
| And I'm saying, here's an entry. | ||
| Here's an entryway, and here's the issue with this one particular attack. | ||
| You've always had enormous respect for fighters, and one of the things I think that you're so good at, and a lot of people have said this, is you take yourself completely out of the equation. | ||
| That's a very hard thing to balance, actually, because when you're calling a fight, and you have to be... | ||
| You have to call... | ||
| You know fighting. | ||
| You've been watching it for many years now, and you've been doing it. | ||
| You do see where there's a hole, and so the balancing act is calling that, but not... | ||
| Not saying, well, I would have done something different. | ||
| You're always very careful about that, you know? | ||
| That's the grossest thing that anybody ever does when they do commentary. | ||
| Oh, if that was me, I would go in there and hit him with a left-right and just put him away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got no idea. | |
| You got no idea what it's like, you know? | ||
| It's gross when I hear commentators. | ||
| It doesn't happen very often with MMA commentators, but with these prognosticator-type characters that make predictions on fights, I don't think he's going to be able to handle... | ||
| And they'll use, like, numbers. | ||
| Like, I don't think he's going to be able to handle a 2-3. | ||
| You know, when he shoots the double and can't handle that 2-3. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That kind of bananas, like, you're going to predict the future talk? | ||
| Like, stop. | ||
| I'll tell you something. | ||
| I had an experience, though. | ||
| My buddy Kieran Gallagher, who's a stuntman, but a lot of guys who are real MMA guys know who he is because he came out of University of Arizona, Arizona State, I think, and was high-level, like, black belt in jiu-jitsu from Higa Machado's and was a pro boxer. | ||
| By the time he was in college, he had 24 pro fights as a boxer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And really knows his stuff, and he's been teaching me. | ||
| He's got all kinds of crazy tricks. | ||
| I watched the last fights with him. | ||
| I was with him, and I was with a group of people. | ||
| I got witnesses, like Will Sasso there and stuff. | ||
| The dude not only called every fight, but he told me what was going to happen before they would do it. | ||
| Like, oh, here comes a single leg. | ||
| It was so amazing. | ||
| And I said, dude, Kieran, you called every single fight, and not only that, you told me what was happening before. | ||
| He goes, I've been doing that for 10 years. | ||
| But he knows the game that well, but you'd never know it. | ||
| He's just a stuntman now. | ||
| Damn, he should probably do commentary for somebody. | ||
| Dude, that's not his personality. | ||
| He's not going to do that. | ||
| Yeah, but if you know the guy, why don't you hook him up with somebody? | ||
| Hook him up with shark fights or something. | ||
| Maybe the guy would wind up being an awesome commentator. | ||
| He's uncanny. | ||
| He's one of those guys who's really intelligent. | ||
| He's a stuntman. | ||
| I know he's a high-level fighter. | ||
| Why don't you talk him into Dude, he's also read every book. | ||
| I started mentioning books with Anthony, who's a writer who wrote a novel. | ||
| He starts mentioning everybody from Charles Bukowski to Kerouac to fucking Norman Mailer. | ||
| He's read them all! | ||
| He's read more than I have. | ||
| I go, what the f- I go, have you read all these books? | ||
| He goes, I read everything, dude. | ||
| I mentioned an obscure book called Extreme Fear that Sam Sheridan recommended that I'm reading now. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| He goes, yeah, I read it. | ||
| What? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| And he starts giving me a critique about it. | ||
| I was like, you know. | ||
| Stuntman has a lot of free time, I think. | ||
| He's got a lot of free time? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| But he's also a really special, smart guy. | ||
| Like, he's a genuine friend. | ||
| Like, he's just a really, really smart guy. | ||
| But I mean, when you're on a set, there's a lot of times, especially, I don't know if the Fear Factor set was indicative of how it would be in a movie, like stunt guys in a movie set, but there's a lot of downtime. | ||
| There's a lot of times where they're setting things up. | ||
| He's also one of the few stuntmen who was really actually a professional fighter and still rolls with Olympians and still fucking has an MMA gym. | ||
| Why don't you talk this guy into doing commentary, man? | ||
| It seems like, look, a lot of people probably don't think that it could be possible. | ||
| That's why they don't want to do it. | ||
| They don't think that it could be real. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They don't even think about it. | ||
| It doesn't even pop in their head. | ||
| But if the guy knows that much, is he entertaining to talk to? | ||
| Yeah, he's really, really smart. | ||
| Sounds like he's perfect. | ||
| Somebody hire him. | ||
| He's probably better than me. | ||
| Nobody's better than you. | ||
| Nobody's better than you, my friend. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I don't know anybody who's better than you. | ||
| And I think Mike Goldberg's unbelievable, too. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| I think he's unbelievable. | ||
| He's a great dude, too. | ||
| You guys are the perfect fucking combination. | ||
| Well, Goldberg's a good dude. | ||
| One of the good things about working with him, I enjoy that guy. | ||
| I enjoy his company. | ||
| Yeah, you told me that before. | ||
| He's a nice guy, man. | ||
| He's a sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| He's always nice. | ||
| He's always hugging everybody and always friendly. | ||
| He's a sweet, positive guy. | ||
| So I like being around him. | ||
| And he's fucking good. | ||
| He's a great play-by-play guy, man. | ||
| He's smooth as fuck. | ||
| He knows how to keep the whole machine. | ||
| He's poetic. | ||
| He's really poetic. | ||
| People critique him, they criticize him, but you're criticizing one or two weird things that he might have said while we're free-balling for fucking hours at a time, six hours at a time, several times a month. | ||
| You've got to realize, look, man, you're going to find some stupid shit that everybody says if you look at it for that long. | ||
| Speaking of free-balling, I just did the Adam Carolla podcast. | ||
| He's so unbelievable at coming up with like one premise and just being fucking hilarious. | ||
| When he was on the podcast, I credited you as to saying that he's like the best guy at improvisation. | ||
| I've never seen anything like it. | ||
| Coming up with like a whole rant on a set, like the best rant guy. | ||
| And like real bits. | ||
| Yeah, they become bits. | ||
| I said, do you ever do stand-up? | ||
| He goes, nah. | ||
| I go, you have five hours of fucking material. | ||
| He's doing stand-up now. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He does the podcast, which is stand-up in front of an audience. | ||
| No, he's doing stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, he was doing regular stand-up. | ||
| He did a show at the Irvine Improv. | ||
| I did one of his live podcasts, which I liked, but I don't like as much. | ||
| Because it's a completely different thing. | ||
| Well, they're looking to be funny. | ||
| They're looking to be silly. | ||
| Well, I felt like, it's not even that. | ||
| I felt like, why am I even talking? | ||
| I should be doing stand-up right now. | ||
| I shouldn't be sitting here talking. | ||
| There's 300 people that want to laugh their ass off. | ||
| I can do that. | ||
| I can get you to laugh, but let's just do stand-up, you know? | ||
| But I didn't want them putting my stand-up on the internet, because it was like, this is all stuff that I was going to put in my next album. | ||
| I was like, you can't just put that on your podcast. | ||
| That's like Byron Allen. | ||
| You ever see that show he did called... | ||
| Comics Sit Down? | ||
| Comics Unleashed? | ||
| Meanwhile, I get there... | ||
| Comics Unleashed! | ||
| I get there and I go, wait a minute, you want me to do... | ||
| You're paying me 150 bucks or whatever it is to do... | ||
| Your act. | ||
| My act! | ||
| 20 minutes of my act? | ||
| Nah! | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| I'm not doing that. | ||
| And they could fucking probably sell it in syndication. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| They own it, right? | ||
| He'll be like, hey, what's up with your hair? | ||
| He prompts you. | ||
| And then you go into your bit. | ||
| I'm watching guys give up 20 minutes. | ||
| It took them like fucking three years. | ||
| I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| Well, the worst is there's some shows, I'm sure, where they own that material now, and you're not allowed to repeat that material. | ||
| You know, if you do it, I'm sure there's contracts that, I don't know what shows they would do. | ||
| Well, actually, though, my thing on Showtime, they had some stipulation, but I was able to do stuff on, I just did Comedy Central's mashup, where I have to rear up on a horse, by the way. | ||
| Did I mention that? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, I'll be... | ||
| I believe they're going to take my stand-up bit where I rescue a bunch of women on horseback and they're surrounded by wolves. | ||
| It's called the Wolf Whisper. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Yeah, I talk about really heavy shit with my stand-up. | ||
| But... | ||
| How come your stand-up is so fucking silly and you're such a... | ||
| When I talk to you, you're such an intense and serious guy. | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| Because yesterday I just did a fucking whole stand-up. | ||
| I did 20 minutes on Saving a Whale. | ||
| And they... | ||
| And they were fucking dying, and I love the bit! | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| So what's wrong with it? | ||
| You say that, like, reluctantly. | ||
| Nothing, I don't know. | ||
| I just can't help it. | ||
| I start thinking... | ||
| Because it's silly. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I just... | ||
| I guess I just... | ||
| I start laughing at the idea of saving a fucking whale. | ||
| And then I didn't save it, and I had to sit on its blowhole and kill it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then... | |
| No, because I didn't want it to die of dryness, so I had to sit on this blowhole. | ||
| Anyway, but it was fucking retarded, but they loved it. | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| Now my next hour that I'm working on is a little bit different. | ||
| I'm dealing with larger motifs. | ||
| Listen, larger motifs? | ||
| You've been living in Venice too long, son. | ||
| We need to get you the fuck out here to San Gabriel Valley. | ||
| Did you hear that, Brian? | ||
| What the fuck did he just say? | ||
| Larger motifs. | ||
| Did you understand that at all? | ||
| If someone said that in front of you, would you get disgusted? | ||
| Guys, sorry, I'm very educated. | ||
| I'm highly educated. | ||
| Highly educated, sophisticated, zip-up boots. | ||
| Can't help myself. | ||
| I've got it all. | ||
| Guys, I'm a reader. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is weird seeing you hang out with different people, though, because it seems like certain people you act different, you know, like you're more sillier when you're with Delia. | |
| You mean I'm a chameleon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You mean like my sister who calls me the chameleon? | ||
| You know what my buddy Anthony Tambacca said about me? | ||
| He goes, you know, if Brian takes a walk with seven Cherokees, you know what comes back? | ||
| Eight Cherokees. | ||
| I was like, ah, fuck. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| It's true though. | ||
| I had to be that way as a kid. | ||
| I had to blend in. | ||
| I moved every two fucking years. | ||
| But you're also very unique. | ||
| I mean, it's not like, you know, you're very unique. | ||
| Well, I appreciate it. | ||
| I try to be. | ||
| Oh, you certainly are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not like short bus unique either. | |
| Yeah, you're a unique dude. | ||
| But yeah, you and I always wind up with caveman conversations. | ||
| You and I always go fucking right to the bottom of the man's soul. | ||
| It's what we think about. | ||
| Violence and sexuality and, you know, all this fucking society's an illusion. | ||
| And what happens when it crumbles down, that fucking guy's going to fall apart. | ||
| But that's what... | ||
| You and I have always had this friendship where, like... | ||
| Where no matter what, if we're lying to each other, if we just don't want to deal with the truth right now, we'll just start saying something. | ||
| I would be like, I really love her. | ||
| And he'd be like, hey, who are you fucking talking to? | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| I'm like, but I live with her. | ||
| Yeah, so what? | ||
| You don't love her. | ||
| Break up with her immediately. | ||
| We can never really get away with lying to each other. | ||
| Well, you know, you were just too good of a friend to have these crazy girls you were dating. | ||
| When I say crazy girls, folks, I'm not an invasive sort of a friend when it comes to friends, girlfriends. | ||
| Brian can tell you. | ||
| I'm usually pretty supportive, right? | ||
| Wouldn't you say, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, absolutely. | |
| And I date a lot of crazy girls. | ||
| And he's dated a lot of crazy girls. | ||
| So fun and bad. | ||
| But my take on it was always just be sweet to them, be nice to them, fuck the shit out of them, and if they leave, they leave. | ||
| That's how you go. | ||
| But with you, you had a totally different kind of crazy. | ||
| I developed an addiction. | ||
| You had a fascination with girls who were gigantic problems. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Brian's girls are sweet girls. | ||
| They just... | ||
| What happens in life? | ||
| You take a left when you should have taken a right. | ||
| You get stuck. | ||
| You can't pay your rent. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that happens to people in life. | ||
| So he's dealing with essentially sweet girls that go down a bad track. | ||
| You're dealing with fucking crazy people. | ||
| Where you can lose your fucking house. | ||
| Oh, not just lose your house. | ||
| Lose your life. | ||
| He had a few of them, man, where he would bring over, like, it was like Joe Louis' Bum of the Month Club. | ||
| He would bring over all these new silly bitches that he was dating. | ||
| One of them I called Bunch of Naps. | ||
| Yeah, that's the greatest! | ||
| That was the greatest! | ||
| She came over, I met her, right? | ||
| She lived on cookies. | ||
| Yeah, she comes over, and I go, that chick looks like she needs a bunch of naps, right? | ||
| And then ten minutes into hanging out at my house, she goes, oh my god, I'm so tired. | ||
| She takes her shoes off and curls up on the couch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was a cat. | |
| She was a fucking cat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Literally, she was like owning a high-tech pet. | ||
| She was so strange. | ||
| I was like, look, she's my pet. | ||
| It was so strange. | ||
| I have never met a more cat-like human being. | ||
| I've never met a person who just had no desire to have an intelligent conversation, just wanted to take naps. | ||
| Well, I talked to this guy, this fucking I talked to this awesome dude who's a well-known psychiatrist. | ||
| He's got his PhD. | ||
| He's a really smart guy. | ||
| And he said a lot of times people in relationships, like he works with a lot of couples and stuff like that and addicts and stuff. | ||
| And he said a lot of times what human beings do is we apply a construct on someone. | ||
| So you'll find somebody that looks the part and then you just apply a construct. | ||
| You just go, oh, that's who you are. | ||
| You're this girl. | ||
| You really like to work out. | ||
| Yeah, you're the J.Crew girl on the front of a sailboat. | ||
| That's what I want to date. | ||
| Meanwhile, the girl's like, I'm from fucking Michigan. | ||
| I've never been on a sailboat in my fucking life, and I like to do drugs every day. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| No, you don't! | ||
| Why were you trying to construct that sort of a really non-realistic reality, though, all the time? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because it wasn't like, it was really strange. | ||
| It's like, that's the kind of behavior that you get from people that have a hard time meeting girls. | ||
| But you had no problem meeting girls. | ||
| It wasn't that at all. | ||
| You were not shy, you were always charming, and you were always funny. | ||
| So, I mean, I can't remember a time where you're like, dude, I can't meet girls. | ||
| I'm just tired of being alone. | ||
| It was never that. | ||
| It was you, you know, for whatever reason, would wind up getting connected to the story. | ||
| They were so nuts, dude, that I was trying to figure out. | ||
| I spent many an hour by myself thinking about you after many of our crazy adventures. | ||
| Thinking about you going, how did this happen? | ||
| How did this guy get to this state of mind where he lets this person in his life and then he can't see that? | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because when I'm hanging out with you, I'm like, here's this insightful, intelligent, objective, self-deprecating guy who's really well-read, and yet he's hanging around with legit meth heads. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You were hanging around with scary people. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I really don't know what that was. | ||
| I think part of it was just, I think what it was was I'd go, oh, that's a project and I can save that person. | ||
| Yeah, I think that was... | ||
| A lot of that was... | ||
| I found that very intriguing where I'd say, you know what? | ||
| All you need is someone like me to change your life and I know how to help you. | ||
| And it took me a long time to realize that that is the dumbest shit you can ever do for anybody. | ||
| I mean, that's a dead fucking end. | ||
| You never want to do that shit. | ||
| My goodness, it is. | ||
| You know, you never want to do that because you can't... | ||
| You know, my father said something interesting to me the other day. | ||
| He said, look, you want to give advice to a kid? | ||
| Very different. | ||
| Don't ever get advice ever, ever to an adult. | ||
| Even if they can use it, never do it. | ||
| I said, yeah, but the guy, he's headed toward a wall. | ||
| He goes, that's right. | ||
| They know they're headed to a wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never. | |
| This is your dad? | ||
| Yeah, and he said- Why doesn't your dad do a talk show? | ||
| I gotta get him on my podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you get him on the podcast. | |
| He's one of my favorite people in the world. | ||
| He's the greatest. | ||
| Dude, get him on your podcast. | ||
| Why don't you get him? | ||
| Can I go on with your dad? | ||
| Oh, that'd be great. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Well, he's a great guy to talk to about politics, about the state of the fucking world, about everything. | ||
| Because he's been in a hundred countries. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| He's going to Italy right now to brush up on his Italian. | ||
| I'm like, why are you doing that? | ||
| He goes, I don't know. | ||
| I'm going to Rome for three weeks. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was the greatest. | ||
| He said, we were talking about when you're with a woman, you want to be able to talk to her. | ||
| And sometimes he goes, talk to her? | ||
| Why would you want to talk to her? | ||
| I've been married to your mother for 50 years. | ||
| I don't want to talk to her. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Go to work. | ||
| Go to fucking work. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| He's so great. | ||
| He's such a bottom line guy and has read Everything, but he's also just a real man. | ||
| Sounds like a fun guy to talk to. | ||
| The world needs more of those. | ||
| I call him every day when I want to talk about something in the news or talk about just advice. | ||
| Do you get crazy with him? | ||
| How deep do you go in the rabbit hole? | ||
| As deep as it gets. | ||
| Really? | ||
| With that guy? | ||
| You can go all the way in the rabbit hole with him? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Personal secrets? | ||
| Fuck yes. | ||
| Anything, huh? | ||
| Fuck yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And be careful, by the way, because he'll fucking... | ||
| He'll smell you. | ||
| He'll smell you lying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Smell you holding back. | ||
| Smell you. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| I'll give you a great story. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| My buddy comes in. | ||
| I swear to God, I'm with my dad. | ||
| We're in my office. | ||
| My buddy comes in. | ||
| He just happened to be around because he was going to... | ||
| He just comes in and goes, Hey, Brian, how you doing? | ||
| I go, hey! | ||
| You know, let's say his name is Jeff. | ||
| I go, hey, Jeff, what's up? | ||
| And he goes, not much. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| I go, I'm good. | ||
| And he goes, all right, man. | ||
| He says a couple words, and he goes, hey, Mr. Cowell, how you doing? | ||
| Nice to meet you. | ||
| And he just leaves. | ||
| And my father goes, what's that guy do? | ||
| And I go, he's a writer. | ||
| My father said, oh, I suspect that's not going to work out for him. | ||
| And I go, how did you know that? | ||
| And he goes, pattern recognition. | ||
| I've been around. | ||
| I'm 71 years old. | ||
| That's how. | ||
| Pattern recognition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So he's like that guy from the Ben Stiller movie where he has the human lie detector on this. | |
| That's what he can read you in a heartbeat, dude. | ||
| He can see you walk across the street. | ||
| He knows your whole fucking life. | ||
| Okay, then again, how the fuck are you so bad at that? | ||
| Well, I'm actually good at it. | ||
| I choose to ignore it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Actually, I think I'm very good at it. | ||
| But when I see a project, I go, hey... | ||
| I need to help you. | ||
| There was a self-destructive aspect to you that always disturbed me being your friend. | ||
| That's what would drive me nuts. | ||
| It was a distraction and it hurt me. | ||
| It hurt my career, by the way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It hurt my career and it hurt my relationships with people that were significant in my life. | ||
| And I think a lot of that self-sabotage, we all go through that stuff. | ||
| You go through it, man. | ||
| You weigh less than anybody I knew, actually. | ||
| You were always very good at cutting out the fat. | ||
| And I kept it because I wanted an excuse maybe to, you know, it was like a parachute, you know what I mean? | ||
| I think there's very few reasons in life to give yourself more problems. | ||
| And if you can find all your own problems and address them and try to deal with all your own problems and be real honest about that, then it makes it really easy to see other people's problems. | ||
| but I found that in my life when I wasn't being honest with myself about my own problems when I had issues when I had unresolved things in my mind just when I was a really young man I was still growing up and trying to get over my fucked up childhood I found it much more difficult for me to see problems in other people because of the the shield that I put on recognizing my own issues | ||
| I wasn't as intuitive or insightful when it came to recognizing other people as I got older and I became as honest as is humanly possible which is how I am now now Then it became where I just see it everywhere. | ||
| Then it became really obvious. | ||
| That's what I have now become obsessed with. | ||
| And that's why I don't suffer fools anymore like that. | ||
| Because what I'm very interested in is figuring out... | ||
| I want to stay as undiluted as I can and as authentic. | ||
| When I was watching Springsteen, the word that kept popping into my head was just authentic. | ||
| He's never lying. | ||
| It's everything about him. | ||
| The way he dresses, the way... | ||
| Everything about it. | ||
| And nothing is in his way. | ||
| There's no resistance. | ||
| That's why he can do a backbend and touch his head at 62. Wow. | ||
| Literally, backbend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's amazing. | |
| He went all the way back and hit his head. | ||
| He can run. | ||
| He's 62. That's amazing. | ||
| On stage he did this? | ||
| On stage, on a backbend at 62. And I went, that guy's so out of his own way. | ||
| You know, I've said this before, maybe on the podcast, but it's one of my favorite metaphors that Michelangelo said when he was carving. | ||
| I like how he says his name. | ||
| Michelangelo. | ||
| When Michelangelo. | ||
| Sorry, guys. | ||
| I speak Italian. | ||
| When Michelangelo. | ||
| Sorry, there are no girls here? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Sorry, sorry. | ||
| When Michelangelo said, when he carved the David, the statue of David, and he had this piece of marble, and he said, and this is a great metaphor for art, he said, it's already in there. | ||
| I just have to get all this shit out of the way. | ||
| And he said, that's how you should look at yourself as a human being. | ||
| You're born and you acquire a lot of shit as you're growing up. | ||
| So as you grow up, a lot of shit's put on you. | ||
| Your family, how they define you, what they do to you, school, high school, the trauma of school, the grief you go through, your body isn't what you want, the losses and stuff, and you put on a lot of stuff. | ||
| You come to the world when you're ready to take it on at 30 with a whole lot of fucking baggage, and a lot of it's negative. | ||
| And the job then is to figure out a way to get that stuff off you, to shed that stuff and get back to who you really are, the authentic You. | ||
| And that to me is, at least as a comic and as somebody who writes and stuff, that's all I think about now. | ||
| How honest can I truly be with my expression? | ||
| Even if I'm being silly and like talking about saving a whale, there's a lot of me in there that I'm talking about. | ||
| And especially now the stuff that I'm working on now, just being a father and things like that and that responsibility and what that really means. | ||
| And with my daughter and not being able to show her a part of me. | ||
| And who I want. | ||
| She's going to model the men she dates after me. | ||
| So I got to be a fucking... | ||
| I got to be her hero. | ||
| I got to be the guy that she actually... | ||
| I don't want her dating the guy I used to be. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So all those responsibilities that you start taking on as you get older. | ||
| But so much of that is, and so much of fucking thought, you know, I gotta think. | ||
| They act like it's an active process. | ||
| Thinking and being creative is actually learning what not to think about. | ||
| Because the rest of it comes to you. | ||
| That's a real philosophy. | ||
| If you can open yourself up and think of thinking as being more of a channel for what's Available to you. | ||
| That's a very important distinction. | ||
| This notion that... | ||
| See, a lot of people come and say, well, I'm missing something. | ||
| I'm missing something that I have to add to my arsenal. | ||
| No. | ||
| In fact, what you're probably doing is there's something you've got to let go of. | ||
| And when you let go of that, you'll get what you're looking for or you'll find it. | ||
| That's a fundamental difference in thinking about things. | ||
| And I think a lot of times we're taught, hey, you're missing something. | ||
| You've got to put another arrow in your quiver. | ||
| In fact, a better advice may be to say, you gotta let some stuff go, man. | ||
| You're holding on to some stuff. | ||
| You gotta let some stuff go. | ||
| You're still defining yourself along lines that are not helpful to you. | ||
| You still have people in your life that are not your friends, even though they seem like they are. | ||
| You're still doing a job that you hate because it's an excuse to not go for what you really want. | ||
| There are a lot of things that you should be deleting. | ||
| You should be taking out of your life. | ||
| And then there will be room for something that's much better. | ||
| That's a very... | ||
| It's a scary way to think of it, but I don't think we talk about that enough. | ||
| I don't think that that is something that is given enough voice to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's definitely something when I get older, I feel myself doing that. | |
| Just like deleting shit out of your life that constantly bugs you. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like if it's people or friends or... | ||
| I mean, that's one of the biggest things I've been running into lately is just how many people that I keep in almost a book, like, hey, this person's my friend, this person's my friend, but then actually going through it, I'm like, why am I friends with this person? | ||
| There's a million other people that want to be my friend that I could just start hanging out with and that could just take this place and this person's positive. | ||
| Yeah, well, watch when people go into a room. | ||
| Like, a lot of times, my mother will go into a room and find everything that's dangerous in a room. | ||
| She'll look at the world and she can see a whole bunch of things that are dangerous. | ||
| How many times do you watch people talk to their kids and say, be careful, it might break your arm. | ||
| Careful of that, don't do that. | ||
| You're always putting restrictions on people. | ||
| Now, you gotta do that to an extent with children, of course. | ||
| But we grow up with that kind of guidance. | ||
| And a lot of times, they mean well, but it's the wrong guidance. | ||
| It's getting in your way. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| There's definitely patterns that people can set down early in their life and then continue to follow those patterns and have them not be productive at all. | ||
| It's a real dangerous thing about human beings that we operate in patterns. | ||
| And once a pattern has been established, even if it's completely ridiculous, we'll follow it. | ||
| Whether it's circumcision or whether it's cutting holes in your lip to stretch it out to put a plate in it like those crazy women in Surrey. | ||
| Why do they do that? | ||
| Well, because a pattern's been established. | ||
| They just fall right into it. | ||
| And it can get real weird, man. | ||
| There can be patterns for cannibalism, the semen ingesting tribes of New Guinea. | ||
| Do you know about all that? | ||
| How fucking nutty is that? | ||
| If you don't know, the story behind that, just look up semen tribes New Guinea, and there's no way we could delve into how fucking unbelievably bizarre and twisted it is. | ||
| But there's a whole tribe, and not just one, but... | ||
| Hundreds of them that live in New Guinea that they're feeding kids sperm. | ||
| They're making them suck their dicks and they're fucking them in the ass to make these kids grow older. | ||
| And they even in fact believe, some of them believe, that the only way that a child develops semen is it has to be planted in his body by fucking them in the ass. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, how did that pattern get going? | ||
| History is riddled with those kinds of crazy, you know, I mean, Charles Taylor, one of the slogans, I just was listening to NPR, Charles Taylor was the president of Liberia. | ||
| And there was, I mean, Charles Taylor, when he came to power, he took, what's his name? | ||
| Go, they made the guy eat his own ears and they videotaped it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, then they killed him. | ||
| When he overthrew that government, Samuel Doe, who was, I believe, the current president of Liberia, he and his henchmen, Charles Taylor, was a military guy, I think a major in the army, or a general, and they had him on a plane, and they staged the coup out on the plane, and before they killed him, they made him eat his own ears. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dwayne Rock Johnson? | |
| Because he was a bad guy, and they made him eat his own ears, and I think another part of his body. | ||
| And then they castrated him and let him bleed out. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| But the point is that he was a ruthless guy. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And he's the one who said to Fode Sanko in Liberia... | ||
| They let him bleed out on a plane? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What a puddle that must have been. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know all the details, but it was a very brutal way of coming to power. | ||
| And Charles Taylor was a sociopath, just convicted in The Hague, by the way. | ||
| Just convicted for war crimes and crimes against humanity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But he was the one who said to Fodessanco, who was the warlord in Sierra Leone, he said, you have to brutalize the people so badly that they have no other choice but to vote you in because they're too afraid not to vote for you. | ||
| And that was Fodessanco who used to go from town to town and said, if you voted for the government currently, we're going to cut all your hands off. | ||
| And he'd cut everybody's hands off. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
| And what Charles Taylor said, one of the slogans when he was running for president was, you killed my mother, you killed my father, but I'm still going to vote for you. | ||
| And it worked for him. | ||
| It worked for him. | ||
| That's how insane mind indoctrination can become if somebody is vicious enough to do it or manipulate it enough. | ||
| There was an ancient Japanese story that Duncan told me about a king or an emperor who hired someone to keep his concubines in line. | ||
| He hired this famous military advisor to keep his concubines in line. | ||
| Concubine is a prostitute. | ||
| Prostitute. | ||
| So he said, if you can keep my concubines in line, then surely you can run my army. | ||
| So what the guy did is he stepped up and he said, he clapped his hands and he said, listen to me. | ||
| I'm going to say move to the left, and you move to the left. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| And he claps his hands. | ||
| They move to the left, but a couple of them move to the right. | ||
| And some of them don't do anything. | ||
| So he says, I'm going to say it one more time. | ||
| I'm going to clap my hands. | ||
| And when I say move to the left, you all move to the left. | ||
| So he does it again and again. | ||
| Half of them don't pay attention. | ||
| So he takes the emperor's favorite concubine. | ||
| He brings her in front of everyone and he cuts her fucking head off. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And the emperor tries to stop him. | ||
| The emperor runs in and he goes, no, no, not her, not her. | ||
| She's my favorite. | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
| He goes, you cannot win a war if you're not willing to do what must be done. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he goes, this is what must be done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whack! | |
| Cuts her fucking head off on everybody. | ||
| And then he claps his hands and he said, when I say move to the left, you move to the left. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And they fucking fell in line, man. | ||
| Everyone fell in line. | ||
| They knew that that was his favorite one. | ||
| That's why he took the favorite one and cut her head off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because there's certain things you have to do if you want to run shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that's one. | ||
| And that was a true military move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, what's interesting about that's how every society was ruled, especially with the Romans. | ||
| The Romans basically, in this book Extreme Fear, the Romans literally just trained their army in constant warfare. | ||
| Their training was constant and their battles were as simulated, their training was as close to reality as they could simulate. | ||
| They were a very hard group. | ||
| One of the reasons being if you want to be ready for combat, you know this from MMA, you better be training in situations that mimic combat as closely as you can. | ||
| We all know this. | ||
| But one of the things that's interesting about that way of ruling, which was always by the sword and with extreme measures... | ||
| Was that the political experiment that happened in this country 250 years ago in Philadelphia, the drafting of the Federalist Papers and the Constitution, was in fact completely the opposite. | ||
| It was the notion that in fact you as a ruler were the servant of and for the people. | ||
| And that was what was such a radical notion, this idea that there is not going to be a king, an all-powerful king. | ||
| It's why when George Washington said, I don't want to be king. | ||
| I am not a king. | ||
| We are not going to have a king in this country. | ||
| We're going to have a president who's voted in by the people. | ||
| At that time, it was white land-owning people, but it was still a radical notion. | ||
| It started, the kernels of that began In England, where the king actually had to start listening to the parliament, but it was such a radical notion that you had a group of people that were not military, | ||
| that didn't have guns, yet they had the balancing power of the authority to make laws, to raise taxes, to pass taxes, but they were ultimately At the behest of the population they were serving. | ||
| Never been done before. | ||
| And what it gave rise to is the strongest, most innovative country in the world. | ||
| In a lot of ways, if you talk to political philosophy, you know, people who are political, you know, People who make politics of life. | ||
| That experiment solved the political problem. | ||
| They solved the political problem. | ||
| No one ever argues about the fallibility of the Constitution. | ||
| It's always a question of how you interpret. | ||
| But we always stay within the confines of the Constitution, which is kind of amazing. | ||
| And it's such a radical difference. | ||
| That is how you control people. | ||
| It is how you control people. | ||
| Look at Russia. | ||
| Russia is run by a group of ex-KGB guys who are all military guys. | ||
| Their one resource is oil. | ||
| They have a lot of money. | ||
| When was the last time you saw anything come out of Russia, like a car, like a computer, or even clothing? | ||
| What innovation has ever come out of Russia? | ||
| Nothing but minerals, nothing but oil. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because that kind of thinking, that kind of brutality, that kind of might makes right, actually, at the end of the day, makes a country weaker. | ||
| It doesn't make it stronger. | ||
| They were so good with rocketry, though. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| They were amazing. | ||
| It's amazing how far ahead they were when it came to the space race. | ||
| It's really incredible. | ||
| Oh, you mean the Soviets? | ||
| Yeah, the Soviets. | ||
| And what's fascinating is also how their designs were parallel to what Wernher von Braun and NASA was doing, but yet different, like different sort of setups with the rockets. | ||
| They had a little bit of a different thing, though. | ||
| The Soviets, first of all, had a very rich tradition of Art and literature and culture. | ||
| And they also, you know, back in the day, communism for a lot of Soviets, a lot of Russians, was an idealistic, was an ideology they really believed in. | ||
| And so there was, for a long time, a real communal effort. | ||
| There was this notion that we as a country are not only doing the right thing, but we're going to beat the American, the imperialists, at their own games. | ||
| What I was going to say is they really are very innovative when it came to certain aspects of technology. | ||
| Mike Swick, the guy out of San Jose the Fighter, UFC guy, really good dude, was working in a U.S. Embassy in Russia a long time ago. | ||
| And he said they found, like, they would find, like, little hearing devices and shit that the Russians had put into their stuff to look at them and to listen in on them. | ||
| And one of them they found was powered by the swaying of the building. | ||
| They had never seen anything like it. | ||
| They had to, like, back-engineer this fucking thing and go, like, what? | ||
| If you look at, though, the Cold War and what won the war was the fact that the Soviets ultimately, actually, from a technological point of view... | ||
| First of all, they stole... | ||
| Remember, they stole from the Rosenbergs, the guys that were put to death by, I believe, Truman, the couple that sold the Soviets the technology for the nuclear weapon. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| The Soviets got the bomb from us. | ||
| They threw espionage. | ||
| But... | ||
| Having said that... | ||
| Did I read something about that being a bad decision? | ||
| Well, the fact that Truman put them both to death. | ||
| What the hell is that? | ||
| I can't believe I'm blanking on their name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Check your X-Flex. | |
| It's the... | ||
| I can't believe I'm... | ||
| It's Rosenberg or Rosenberg. | ||
| It was a couple that sold the Soviets the secret to the bomb. | ||
| And that started the arms race. | ||
| Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? | ||
| Yes, thank you. | ||
| And they were put to death for selling the Soviets the bomb. | ||
| And the Soviets got a lot of their technology, not from within their own sort of, you know, their own laboratories, but from other places. | ||
| And then, you know, worked on it. | ||
| But one of the things that the Soviets lost... | ||
| For example, their MiG fighter jets couldn't fly as higher as fast. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| They couldn't come up with the kind of steel. | ||
| When you deal with fighter jets, it's all about what kind of temperature-resistant steel you can come up with. | ||
| That way you can burn hotter. | ||
| And our F-14s and F-16s, F-15s or whatever, could burn fuel at a much higher temperature without melting the metal so we could fly higher and faster. | ||
| They couldn't keep up with us. | ||
| Have you heard about this new thing that went... | ||
| What is it, 180 times faster than the speed of sound, Brian? | ||
| What was this new experimental craft that they had? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't hear that. | |
| You didn't hear about this on Twitter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Dude, it's some new NASA spacecraft that they've developed. | ||
| It's a drone right now, but it went 100,000, some insane miles per hour. | ||
| Let me give you the exact... | ||
| This is what raises all kinds of questions. | ||
| Did you see that cheetah? | ||
| That fucking mechanical cheetah that they're going to put guns on? | ||
| It runs like a cheetah? | ||
| It runs like... | ||
| I mean, robotics? | ||
| The DARPA robots? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like Transformers. | ||
| Dude, robotics are... | ||
| We're going to have, like, all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| It raises a lot of questions, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, I've got to find this drone. | ||
| Like, in other words, when we get that good at killing, what does that mean, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| So that drone, that would be pretty much as fast as a bullet, wouldn't it? | ||
| This fucking thing apparently went so fast that it peeled the skin off of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, they anticipated that the speed was going to peel some of it off, but apparently it peeled all of it off. | ||
| Peel, skin. | ||
| Yet another device where we're not going to need soldiers anymore. | ||
| That's my joke where I go, the war hero in 20 years is going to be the chubby dude with huge thumb muscles. | ||
| Smells like Doritos and weed because he's working toggle switches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Well, you know, you think about how good guys get at video games where it's so frustrating to play them. | ||
| Imagine if those guys are in control of, like, some sort of a death machine with no lag time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So that means Kreia wins, right? | |
| It's a hypersonic glider. | ||
| And then what they're saying is the skin was peeled off by the speed of this fucking thing. | ||
| This is incredible. | ||
| This is another DARPA project. | ||
|
unidentified
|
DARPA, they're so scary. | |
| Well, dude, you know, video games are responsible for Top Gun fighter pilots and for SWAT team guys. | ||
| You get these 16-year-olds that come in and they can fly a plane after learning a little bit on the simulator as well as any Top Gun fighter pilot or shoot more accurately than the best sniper. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| They've been playing fucking gun video games and fighter pilots since they were three years old. | ||
| So they have that hand-eye coordination. | ||
| Yeah, the ability to aim at things. | ||
| There was a shooting in a school where the kid shot eight kids in his classroom, and none of the SWAT team, when they looked at what happened, he was shooting kids in the head as they were running and catching them in headshots, squeezing them off, and they were like, we don't have anybody who can do that. | ||
| I mean, that's kind of a physical impossibility. | ||
| It's a lag thing. | ||
| But the kid had been doing that. | ||
| He'd been shooting whatever. | ||
| So by the time he was 16, he was an expert with a gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder if there's going to be less car accidents because of video games for kids. | |
| Or I wonder if you were to go back like 10 years. | ||
| Like if they have better hand-eye coordination? | ||
| Yeah, it makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, cars are also going to be communicating with each other. | ||
| It's a physical thing though. | ||
| Especially when you're shifting gears and stuff. | ||
| So this thing went 20 times faster than the speed of sound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Fast enough to fly from New York to Los Angeles in 12 minutes. | ||
| Hold on, I'm going to tell you how fast that is. | ||
| 750 miles an hour is the speed of sound. | ||
| It went for 9 minutes. | ||
| It flew. | ||
| And apparently this thing could go from New York to LA in less than 12 minutes. | ||
| My fucking God. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| It could go to New York to L.A. in less than 12 minutes. | ||
| It's 2,000 times faster than the speed? | ||
| 20 times the speed of sound. | ||
| Okay, and you know how fast that is? | ||
| That's 15,000 miles an hour. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Actually, 13,000. | ||
| 13,000 miles an hour. | ||
| That's what this thing is saying. | ||
| The result gaps in speed. | ||
| So it's actually a little less than 20 times. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Actually, I think it's capable of more than that. | ||
| I think what they're saying is at 13,000 miles an hour, the skin peeled off of it. | ||
| 13,000 miles an hour? | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| 13,000 miles in an hour? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Think about how fucking fast that thing would be. | ||
| It flew to New York in how long? | ||
| 12 minutes. | ||
| From where? | ||
| Well, it couldn't make it because it burnt to death in 9 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what's the fuel? | |
| Adderall? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Adderall? | ||
| It's coke. | ||
| It runs on coke. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| What if they found out that cocaine was like the best fuel ever? | ||
| Well, in some ways it is. | ||
| And you could use it to get to the moon, no problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For a little while it is. | |
| To slow burn. | ||
| For a little while you feel invincible. | ||
| If you figured out how to put it into some sort of an engine that made a combustion that's only possible with cocaine. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| It's like trying to come up with fuel that really is that way. | ||
| I guess we are. | ||
| Well, we're going to have to because we're going to run out of fucking oil. | ||
| It might be 100 years from now. | ||
| It might be 50 years from now. | ||
| Yeah, but eventually. | ||
| It looks like it's going to run out. | ||
| Cars are already running. | ||
| I mean, I got a Prius. | ||
| You don't even have a car, sir. | ||
| It's a dishwasher. | ||
| A man who's so manly, why do you not have a Shelby Mustang? | ||
| Why don't you come with me? | ||
| Come with me to the dealership. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I don't think you know. | ||
| I don't think you know. | ||
| I think you're missing out because I don't think you've ever experienced it. | ||
| This is like you and I going to buy a game bread pit bull, remember? | ||
| Yeah, I remember that very well. | ||
| You and I, a couple of idiots, we go find this complete bad... | ||
| You know how to drive a stick shift, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You're going to drive my GT3 when we get out of here. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You have some money. | ||
| Get a fun car. | ||
| You don't even have to floss. | ||
| Get a goddamn Mustang GT. Ford Edge. | ||
| Ford Edge is not... | ||
| Not what I'm talking about. | ||
| A Mustang GT? Yeah, they're fun. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| It's a fucking big V8, 400-something horsepower. | ||
| Yeah, but I drive too much. | ||
| I gotta fill it up with gas all the time. | ||
| So you go to the gas station. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It sucks. | |
| It takes five minutes. | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| You know when you need gas and you don't need gas. | ||
| Get yourself a goddamn manly car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would love it. | |
| I'm in traffic all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what you should get? | |
| Get a goddamn Dodge SRT8 Challenger. | ||
| That's what fucking Doug Davidoff has. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| He's happy, I bet. | ||
| He's got a distinction with a racing thing. | ||
| Yeah, I bet he's happy. | ||
| I was in it yesterday. | ||
| I got seasick. | ||
| I got carsick. | ||
| I bet he was happy, though. | ||
| Did he look like he was happy? | ||
| He can't drive slowly. | ||
| He looked pretty happy though, didn't he? | ||
| He cannot drive slowly. | ||
| He wants a giant V8. His cars need to be monsters and totally inappropriate. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| His wheels are that fat. | ||
| He's enjoying his life. | ||
| A Challenger? | ||
| It's kind of scrawny wheels. | ||
| He's got the racing. | ||
| He's got the expensive one. | ||
| Oh, the SRT8 racing package. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Those cars, they don't handle that well because it's a big car. | ||
| It's like more than 4,000 pounds, I believe. | ||
| I have the Shelby GT 500, and that's like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 3,000 pounds. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Porsche's really light. | ||
| And when you get a big, heavy car like that, it's fucking really hard to make handle. | ||
| But in straight lines, in some ways, the Challenger's like one of the last real old school muscle cars. | ||
| Really? | ||
| A challenger. | ||
| And the Mustang GT. You know, the GT500, the Shelby, it's still stupid. | ||
| It's like way too much power for the back. | ||
| And the new ones, they're coming out with new ones that have 650 horsepower. | ||
| Mine has 550 and it's ridiculous. | ||
| 550? | ||
| 550. And it sounds majestic. | ||
| It makes your balls feel good. | ||
| Like when you hear the noise. | ||
| See, I've driven other cars. | ||
| If I had to pick what's my best car, I would say the Porsche, the GT3, the race car. | ||
| That's a great car. | ||
| But it's not as stupid, put a big stupid grin on your face fun. | ||
| The Shelby's more fun because it's got a big dumb engine. | ||
| And when you hit the gas, it goes. | ||
| It's American. | ||
| It's American versus German. | ||
| It's America, fuck yeah! | ||
| It's got low-end torque, like it throws you back in the seat with a... | ||
| They should have just added balls to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This challenge only starts off at 24, and it gets 27 miles per gallon, which is actually really good. | |
| That car gets 15. It's a beautiful car. | ||
| Your car only goes 52 if you drive like a girl. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Didn't you tell me that the... | ||
| That actually it gets not as good gas mileage as your BMW or something? | ||
| Yes, an M3. Not even a regular BMW. If you take it on a track. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Top Gear. | ||
| I love them to death. | ||
| Those guys out of England. | ||
| Jeremy Clarkson went around a track and he had a BMW M3 and he floored it and the guy tried to keep up with him. | ||
| No, he had to keep up with the guy in the Prius. | ||
| That's all he had to do. | ||
| And the BMW, it was much easier for the BMW to keep up like a really easy, for the BMW, an easy pace, like 90 miles an hour or something like that. | ||
| Whereas the Prius was fucking struggling to keep it up. | ||
| So the Prius actually burnt more gas. | ||
| Yeah, it's not made for that. | ||
| It's a piece of shit! | ||
| You're a man! | ||
| What about the X5? You're a man, Callan. | ||
| Get away from me with that. | ||
| You need a goddamn challenger with a stick shift, too, you pussy. | ||
| Don't get the automatic. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| That's part of being a man. | ||
| You gotta be able to fucking keep it in neutral. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you really recommend a challenger, though? | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I would recommend one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't know it was this cheap. | |
| Dude, I would buy one. | ||
| I love a joke. | ||
| It's irrational. | ||
| It's like, come on. | ||
| Don't be a baby. | ||
| It's traffic in LA. Stick shift. | ||
| 500 horsepower. | ||
| I might buy one of those when my Mustang's lease is up. | ||
| I might. | ||
| I might get one of those. | ||
| I'll fucking buy a horse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to trade my car in. | |
| Yeah, that's a good car. | ||
| If you're going to trade it in for a Challenger, that's a great car. | ||
| What do you drive, bro? | ||
| Chrysler makes solid cars, man. | ||
| And they're fun to drive. | ||
| It sounds cool. | ||
| It's easy to see out of. | ||
| Give me another car. | ||
| What about it? | ||
| Get a manly car! | ||
| I can't tell you what you should get. | ||
| What you should get is like a fucking 911. Get a new Porsche. | ||
| They have a new 991. Oh, yeah. | ||
| You don't even have to drive a stick shift. | ||
| They have a dual-clutch transmission, paddle shifting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| If you've got some cash and you're ready to party, Yeah. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't have to drive irresponsibly either. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| Even just merging on the highway. | ||
| I drove Arnold Schwarzenegger's old Porsche because my buddy had it in his lot. | ||
| And I was like, in first gear the whole time, I can't go anywhere. | ||
| It's traffic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, you're going to get a little bit of that. | ||
| But if you want to buy a new car, you can get a car that has a dual clutch. | ||
| But it was my feeling. | ||
| I bought the 335i BMW. It's a great car. | ||
| I couldn't drive it, though. | ||
| I was just always... | ||
| I could never open it up. | ||
| It was always like... | ||
| It just felt like it wanted to go, and I couldn't. | ||
| I felt like I kept... | ||
| I was keeping a dog in a cage. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because I have the M3, and it always feels... | ||
| That's like my favorite road, driving traffic. | ||
| Yeah, but you live... | ||
| The way you live out there, you got some open road, too. | ||
| Yeah, but even if you don't, you know... | ||
| I think the modern... | ||
| You love cars, dude. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I'm fascinated by that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love technology, and my favorite technology, like interactive technology, is cars. | ||
| Why is that, do you think? | ||
| Because they're connected. | ||
| Well, first of all, because I'm an idiot, and I see these amazing things like computers, and I'm like, who the fuck? | ||
| How is this possible? | ||
| Who's doing this? | ||
| How are they making this? | ||
| Even what they do with the Mustang, I love the fact that they've taken this really shit design. | ||
| It's a live axle car. | ||
| It doesn't even have independent rear suspension. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It means the back rear tires act on one giant axle as opposed to a much more modern car like the Porsche has active independent suspension. | ||
| So if you go over a bump at the right, the right absorbs it, the left doesn't. | ||
| It keeps you planted to the ground better. | ||
| If you hit a bump in the Shelby, your fucking whole ass end goes up in the air. | ||
| It's a stupid design, but they've taken it to the utmost limits. | ||
| They've really done the best job to harness this really ridiculous design. | ||
| It's like driving a bodybuilder. | ||
| It's not like an MMA fighter. | ||
| It's just a huge fucking bodybuilder. | ||
| It's a gorilla. | ||
| It's a gorilla that wants to stomp on the gas. | ||
| It can corner, especially the coupes. | ||
| The convertible is a little flip-floppy, but the coupe is pretty stiff. | ||
| They corner really good. | ||
| You can get them around a racetrack. | ||
| The new ones have a sport suspension. | ||
| But just as far as something that's pure fun, it's pure fun to hear on the highway. | ||
| It's pure fun to drive around. | ||
| It's hard to beat one of those Shelby Mustangs. | ||
| Just the sound of it. | ||
| It's so satisfying. | ||
| It's like, you're driving a goddamn sewing machine, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| It's really... | ||
| Even the... | ||
| When I bought... | ||
| Did I tell you the story? | ||
| When I went to lease the Prius, I go in there and I go, I want red. | ||
| And the guy goes, but you do? | ||
| Because it's Barcelona red. | ||
| And he goes, you do? | ||
| You sure you don't want black? | ||
| He was trying to talk to me, and I go, no, I want red, please. | ||
| I want a red Prius, and please refer to it as the Red Ram. | ||
| And he's like, what do you mean? | ||
| I go, it's called the Red Ram. | ||
| And he goes, sir, your Prius is ready. | ||
| I go, my what is ready? | ||
| He goes, your Red Ram is ready. | ||
| And I made them all stand there, and I drove out with my fingers like this, curled like a ram's horns. | ||
| On the fucking thing like that. | ||
| And I fucking, I was like, gentlemen, thank you for your time. | ||
| And I just fucking rolled out of my Prius like this. | ||
| Like a fucking idiot. | ||
| Yeah, it's called the Red Rim. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These Challengers are so sexy. | |
| Let me see. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| If you want to look up a sick one, dude, look up the SRT8. And I believe they're 45 or 46. That's a good looking car. | ||
| For their top of the line one. | ||
| It's a great looking car. | ||
| Now, is this Challenger, does this have independent suspension or no? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, those do. | ||
| Only the Ford Mustangs don't. | ||
| It's a really good looking car. | ||
| That's what fucking Dove has when he has the racing one. | ||
| Yeah, the RT, SRT. Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| Brian, look that up. | ||
| Look up the SRT8 Challenger. | ||
| I love the fact that America is finally making cool cars again. | ||
| For the longest time, all the cars looked like shit. | ||
| Even go back to old Z28 Camaros. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| They look so stupid. | ||
| And if you compare like the really old ones, like the 1967, 69 Camaros, they were amazing cars. | ||
| Even the 70. They were works of art, bro. | ||
| Works of art. | ||
| Amazing when they're done upright, but then something happened in like the 80s and the 90s. | ||
| They were just dog shit, and now they're fucking cool again. | ||
| Like I saw a Camaro SS the other day. | ||
| Some dude drove by me. | ||
| I'm like, that is a great shaped car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Look at that shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's the SRT8. Yeah, that's the most expensive one, I think. | ||
| Yeah, it's 46. That's the special speed yellow, whatever the hell it is. | ||
| Maybe I'll get that one. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| That's a fun car to drive around. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons, by the way, just like you, conflicted family man, the whole deal. | ||
| Not that you're conflicted as a family man. | ||
| Conflicted in your ability to express your masculinity because you have children. | ||
| He got a Prius, and he wanted this so bad. | ||
| He wanted a Challenger so bad. | ||
| He was... | ||
| I almost fucking bought it. | ||
| He goes, I hate this piece of shit. | ||
| He goes, and it doesn't get good gas much because I drive it like an asshole. | ||
| He's like stomping on the gas. | ||
| That's not me. | ||
| The way I'm a retard is I'll be in the backyard with my buddy Kieran learning different choke holds and learning his brand of jiu-jitsu and boxing. | ||
| Dude, let me tell you something. | ||
| That car will make you funnier. | ||
| You get in that car, it'll make you feel like you're having a good time. | ||
| That's the car that my car, that rides car, should have been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| My rides car was a hunk of shit. | ||
| It was a beautiful looking car, an amazing construction, but it would break down constantly. | ||
| Someone said to me, why'd you get rid of it? | ||
| This is why I got rid of it. | ||
| I was driving on the highway going like 70 miles an hour. | ||
| Then 10 minutes later, I pull into my driveway and my wheel and suspension detaches from the frame in my driveway. | ||
| Clank! | ||
| What? | ||
| The car goes sideways. | ||
|
unidentified
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What? | |
| So I get out. | ||
| The wheel is shoved into the fender. | ||
| The fender's dented. | ||
| And I was like, I was just on the highway with this thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| And like, these old cars suck. | ||
| They handle like a rhino on roller skates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like a drunk rhinoceros on a fucking ice skating rink. | ||
| That's a great one. | ||
| They're terrible. | ||
| They're all designed fucked up. | ||
| They look amazing, though. | ||
| They look incredible. | ||
| Well, this car, what these new challenges are, is like, here's a car you can fucking actually drive, and it actually has real brakes, ABS brakes, and it's got a real traction management system. | ||
| It looks the same. | ||
| It's very similar. | ||
| This is the car you're talking about. | ||
| That Challenger. | ||
| It looks just like my car. | ||
| It's so similar to my Barracuda. | ||
| Although there's something about those old Barracudas where you knew it was all metal. | ||
| It was just so much more legit. | ||
| With all that plastic and stuff. | ||
| That was a gorgeous car. | ||
| You sold that for probably... | ||
| I made some money on it. | ||
| Then I just bought the Porsche. | ||
| It was so much more fun. | ||
| But if I had to choose one, I would take a Mustang. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because it's fun. | ||
| It's not the best car. | ||
| It's not the most refined. | ||
| The interior is made out of shit plastic. | ||
| Ultimately, it really is about having fun. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's about having fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I hit the gas in the car, and I'm not even talking about going fast, it's satisfying. | ||
| Even my father, he goes, what is this thing? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck is that? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| And Dove Davidoff always says, he goes, they should call it, they should call it, instead of the Prius, they should call it, I won't punch you back no matter what you do to me. | ||
| Well, the thing is, the reason why I say this is that I know you're not broke. | ||
| You have money. | ||
| You're a very successful guy. | ||
| You do very well. | ||
| You could get a car like this and it's an easy choice. | ||
| It's not irrational at all. | ||
| I could definitely afford the car that I want. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I looked at the Audi A5. Cut to Twitter. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two fucking rich guys talking about what kind of car to drive. | |
| It's not about that, sir. | ||
| It's about seizing passion. | ||
| It's about having fun and your fucking life. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's exactly right. | |
| And if you have a car that's a fun car to drive, if you can afford it, only if you can afford it. | ||
| If you can't afford it, it becomes the exact opposite. | ||
| Instead of being this cool thing, it becomes this fucking velvet prison you have to drag around with you everywhere. | ||
| It's slowly sinking you and taking away your time because you have to work extra hours. | ||
| I've got to say, I've had some such nice people on Twitter say things. | ||
| I get such great feedback. | ||
| People are just so nice. | ||
| I had a guy, I wasn't feeling very good about my one hour special because it was an hour and a half. | ||
| I wanted to cut it down to 42 minutes. | ||
| There's a lot of reasons. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| And I was feeling a little bad. | ||
| I was like, I wish I could do it over again. | ||
| We talked about it. | ||
| And a guy tweets me, this guy tweets me a video of his one year old daughter laughing her ass off at my special. | ||
| I was like, what a fucking great thing to do. | ||
| Literally, like, tweets it, and the kid is howling, and then you go to me on the screen and come back to her face, and the kid is fucking howling at my jokes! | ||
| It was such a fucking great tweet. | ||
| I was like, that's what I love about, you know, This whole technology is... | ||
| You can't connect to really good people. | ||
| Yeah, it brings you... | ||
| It just brings everybody together and, you know, I don't know. | ||
| Like-minded people. | ||
| Yeah, like-minded people. | ||
| They know you're a nice guy and nice people are attracted to that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the shows that we've been getting at... | ||
| I filmed my special in Atlanta a couple weeks ago. | ||
| The crowds, they're better than any crowd that you could reasonably hope to ever get in your life, ever. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| And they're there at every show. | ||
| It's like the same kind of crowds at every show. | ||
| Well, I was in Canada, I was in Toronto, and Yuck Yucks, and I had a bunch of people that listened to your podcast. | ||
| So they came out to see me. | ||
| Oh, by the way, I'll be in Houston June 14th, 15th, and 16th at the Houston Improv. | ||
| That place is fun. | ||
| Yeah, and then I'll be at, I'm going to be at Kansas City, Stanford and Sons, June 20th, 22nd. | ||
| Oh, that guy's classic. | ||
| Oh, Craig Glazer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
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Brian Callen, if you come in this week and do some comedy. | |
| That's a good Craig Glazer right there. | ||
| Make me some blue fried potatoes. | ||
| He's the greatest. | ||
| He's the greatest. | ||
| He introduced me to a stripper that had a tattoo of a stripper on her back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it looked like a five-year-old had drawn it. | ||
| I mean, it was like the worst tattoo of a... | ||
| She was such a pretty girl, too. | ||
| And then I had this spark moment of like, this girl needs to be rescued. | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| I thought that would have been me. | ||
| You could totally have taken her. | ||
| She was really pretty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this tattoo was just like this giant warning sign. | ||
| There's something really wrong here. | ||
| This is complete craziness. | ||
| The tattoo was so bad, man. | ||
| You would have to kill the person who put that tattoo on your body. | ||
| You would have to kill them. | ||
| There's no way they would not be able to pay you enough in court to make you feel good about it. | ||
| I've never known what to get as a tattoo. | ||
| That was another thing. | ||
| It just wasn't me. | ||
| How about just man class? | ||
| How about a Prius? | ||
| Man class and then TM. Did you see the picture of my man class? | ||
| Go to briancallan.com and they superimpose my body to look really muscular. | ||
| Show Joe. | ||
| Show that. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| They make me look really muscular. | ||
| How muscular? | ||
| Bodybuilder muscular? | ||
| Yeah, you'll see. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| Why did they do that? | ||
| Did you allow them to do that? | ||
| Yeah, I wanted them to. | ||
| I wanted two girls to be clutching each leg and I'm standing with fire. | ||
| It's so cheesy. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's so cheesy. | |
| It looks like the shittiest... | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Would it be even funnier if you did it in your underwear with your real body? | ||
| I wanted to, but we were like, ah, fuck it. | ||
| We just had that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so creepy looking. | |
| Yeah, you look like Husamar Palhares. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| You look like some big Brazilian guy. | ||
| I'm very good with the late luck. | ||
| I just saw Fabrizio Verdum down in Venice outside Jelena, this restaurant. | ||
| Man, class. | ||
| What a stud that guy is. | ||
| Fucking stud. | ||
| He's a big boy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a big boy. | ||
| I'm a fucking baboon. | ||
| I'm a fruit thrower. | ||
| I live in the trees when that guy's around. | ||
| He's a silverback. | ||
| I'm literally like... | ||
| Yeah, Fabricio Redoom's a bad motherfucker when it comes to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Do you see that fight with Roy Nelson? | ||
| It took Roy Nelson's back within seconds of the fight. | ||
| Roy threw a big punch, missed, and Fabricio had his back. | ||
| You're not doing a thing with him. | ||
| I was watching him. | ||
| He was just sitting on the curb, actually. | ||
| I think he was texting, and I was looking at him, and I said to my buddy, I go, I think I'm right about this. | ||
| On the ground, on the ground, there may be one other person on the planet that could actually tap that guy. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Yeah, maybe not. | ||
| But what he's great at, man, his fucking guard is ridiculous. | ||
| He's one of the hardest guys to ground and pound. | ||
| Like Ryan Parsons, he manages Mayhem, used to manage King Moe, and a lot of those guys. | ||
| We talk about when they would be training with Fabricio, the ground and pound just did not work on him. | ||
| He was just so good at putting feet on hips and his guard is so active. | ||
| He's a fucking top of the food chain black belt. | ||
| And really good off his back for a giant man. | ||
| He's a natural 260. He's a big fucking guy. | ||
| It's no steroids. | ||
| He's just a natural 260. He's so good at like his dexterity with his legs, like moving his legs. | ||
| That's why like when Fedor fell to his guard, I remember watching it. | ||
| My eyes went up. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| Like how ballsy is this guy? | ||
| And then all of a sudden he caught Fedor in the triangle and I was like, he's fucked, man. | ||
| I'm like, this is not a regular triangle. | ||
| You are not getting out of that, son. | ||
| And then when he started breaking his arm, Fedor finally tapped. | ||
| But watching that, I was like, as soon as Fedor went to his guard, my immediate instinct was like, wow, this guy's crazy. | ||
| Why would you think that you could get locked up by this dude? | ||
| And then I thought about it. | ||
| I was like, he probably never fought anybody like Verdum in his whole life except for Minotauro. | ||
| And Minotauro couldn't catch him. | ||
| So he probably felt if Minotauro couldn't catch him, this guy can't catch him either. | ||
| But that's how good Fabrizio Verdum's guard is. | ||
| Probably the best heavyweight guard in MMA. Frank Mir is pretty goddamn good, too, man. | ||
| Frank Mir catches you. | ||
| He's so good at jiu-jitsu, man. | ||
| He's so explosive, too. | ||
| And he breaks shit, man. | ||
| He's like, no one has had the record of breaking shit in the MMA world like Frank Mir. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| If Steve Mazzagotti had fucked up for one extra second, because he missed a tap and he didn't rush in and stop it quick enough, if it had gone on for just a couple extra seconds, that knee could have blown out. | ||
| It scares me. | ||
| He broke Tim Sylvia's arm, and then of course he broke Noguera's arm. | ||
| I mean, he's a big boy, too. | ||
| Frank Mir's a solid 260 now. | ||
| He's going to fight Mr. Junior Dos Santos. | ||
| Yeah, in May. | ||
| That's going to be... | ||
| Fuck yeah, that's going to be amazing. | ||
| I can't wait for that. | ||
| I really was hoping to see Overeem. | ||
| Of course, yeah. | ||
| Apparently Overeem says that he took a shot by a doctor that was an anti-inflammatory and it had testosterone in it. | ||
| He didn't know about it. | ||
| And this doctor is apparently a very controversial doctor. | ||
| And the doctor's got in trouble for some things. | ||
| He did put on 50 pounds of muscle. | ||
| Listen, it's only 50. It's just 50 pounds of muscle in your 30s. | ||
| But I'm sure that was all eating a lot of steak and drinking roll milk. | ||
| No, horse meat. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, okay. | |
| He ate a lot of horse meat. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Have you ever seen 60 steaks stacked up? | ||
| Go to the supermarket. | ||
| Go to the supermarket and just stop and think about 60 steaks. | ||
| It's from pull-ups and rolling jiu-jitsu, dude. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Listen, I don't care how it got there. | ||
| Just keep it on. | ||
| It looks great. | ||
| He looks good. | ||
| He's a goddamn superhero. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| I met him and talked to him for a brief, a little bit, about his Brock fight, and he had nothing but respectful things to say. | ||
| Listen, man, all the roids in the world is only going to do you so much good. | ||
| What does Aleister Overeem good is that he can fight his fucking ass off. | ||
| He's a scary fighter. | ||
| You can talk all the shit you want about his roids that may or may not have... | ||
| Taken. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He trains hard. | ||
| He's a very tactical fighter. | ||
| Skilled fighter. | ||
| Dude, his fucking fight with Brock was a beatdown. | ||
| That was a good, convincing fight to let Brock Lesnar know. | ||
| He does not want to have any part of any people like that. | ||
| When he kicked him in the body, you saw that shin kick to the liver. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| In your 30s like Brock in your late 30s or whatever he was, you can't learn how to strike. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Not at that level. | ||
| Not with high level guys. | ||
| No way. | ||
| He's so ridiculous. | ||
| And learning to take a punch. | ||
| He's essentially a blue belt in striking. | ||
| A big, strong, athletic blue belt. | ||
| And he's taking on a 10th degree black belt. | ||
| He's taking on a K-1 Grand Prix champion. | ||
| It's not going to happen. | ||
| I mean, Alistair Overeem, as far as, like, decorated fighters in MMA, he's the most decorated striker, period. | ||
| He won the Grand Prix. | ||
| Even though Badr Hari wasn't in it that year, he still won the goddamn Grand Prix. | ||
| No one's ever done that and then been a high-level MMA guy. | ||
| It's so impressive. | ||
| He came out of those Dutch schools, which are the best kicks in boxing. | ||
|
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I mean... | |
| Savages! | ||
| You're not going to be able to bang with dudes who've been doing that for the past 10 years. | ||
| They're so technical, too, man. | ||
| The Dutch guys are so technical. | ||
| You've got to give Brock Lesnar a lot of credit to anybody, obviously. | ||
| I have such respect for anybody who gets in that fucking octagon. | ||
| But it's really hard. | ||
| When I watched him lose to Cain Velasquez, I remember thinking to myself, I said, it's really hard to meet those hands when you're... | ||
| You can't just... | ||
| You know, bang and protect yourself against a guy who's been boxing that long. | ||
| It's really hard to do, you know? | ||
| It's very hard to do, especially when you're coming off a fucking surgery to your bowels. | ||
| Yeah, and Kane can also... | ||
| He'll take a punch. | ||
| You can punch him in the face and he keeps his eyes open. | ||
| Did he have the Kane fight? | ||
| Was that fight pre-surgery? | ||
| How did it go? | ||
| I believe that that was actually... | ||
| No, I think that was after. | ||
| I believe it was. | ||
| Because he had diverticulitis, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think what happened was he had the cane fight and then he was supposed to have another fight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then realized... | ||
| When he was supposed to fight Junior Dos Santos, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he realized that he had to back out because of diverticulitis. | ||
| He almost died, I think. | ||
| He had 12 inches of his colon removed. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Yeah, the whole thing is just so crazy. | ||
| The fact that it came from, you know, eating meat without fiber and that it can be that dangerous. | ||
| Yeah, that it can back up inside your body and the walls of your lining of your gut get caked with excess protein. | ||
| I didn't know that's what it was. | ||
| It creates abscesses and it can actually eat its way through the wall and the lining of your body. | ||
| It's super duper dangerous. | ||
| And apparently he cleared it up initially with diet, and they were worried that he was going to need surgery, but he cleared it up with diet. | ||
| But then as he's training, the real heavy, high-level training breaks your immune system down so much, it started coming back. | ||
| And then they realized, this is a damaged area that's never going to quite fully heal, so we have to cut it out. | ||
| So then they went in there and they cut out 12 inches of his colon, and then put it all back together. | ||
| By Alistair Overeem. | ||
| And it's just perfect technique, giant legs slamming into your body. | ||
| I remember watching Boss Rutten kick a bag at Beverly Hills Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| This is like literally 12 years ago. | ||
| And I was watching him roundhouse kick this bag. | ||
| And I was just like... | ||
| The power and the force of that guy, that just... | ||
| I was just like... | ||
| Boss could hit hard. | ||
| What an athlete. | ||
| I was just like... | ||
| I remember thinking to myself, getting kicked in the leg or the side with that, you're done. | ||
| You should see Boss kicking the pads. | ||
| There's like videos of him kicking the tie pads. | ||
| He did it very differently. | ||
| Like a lot of guys, what they would do is they would hit the pads... | ||
| Or hit the bag, and they would sort of pace themselves. | ||
| They do a round, but they wouldn't throw everything full blast. | ||
| Boss would throw every punch, every kick, 100%. | ||
| He goes, that's what I do, 100%. | ||
| He's like, I start off, I can only do 30 seconds, so that's what I would do. | ||
| I'd do 30 second rounds. | ||
| He's another guy who was really good at keeping things light, and even his fighting. | ||
| He was always good at just being playful. | ||
| I think that's how he dealt with the pressure. | ||
| Well, his strategy for training was that he would do one minute full blast, as much as he could do, full blast, and then he would start adding time onto that. | ||
| You know, he'd do a minute and 10 seconds, a minute and 20 seconds. | ||
| Next thing you know, it's two minutes. | ||
| Next thing you know, he can go five minutes like a fucking jackhammer. | ||
| In this book, Extreme Fear, it's really interesting. | ||
| They do a clinical study of fear, and fear in different forms, like Fear, combat fear, and performance fear, whether you're a performer or whether you're an opera singer or you're an actor, but mainly athletes, and a lot of athletes get what they call the yips, like in the middle of their career, when they're high level, like all of a sudden they can't throw a baseball over a plate, yet they're the best pitcher, you know, and it's because what happens is... | ||
| People start to watch them. | ||
| Dan Jensen, I think that's his name, the most decorated speed skater of all time, three Olympics in a row, he just fucking just kept choking. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He kept choking until finally he just gave up, just because he got into his own head, and he had to learn how to talk to himself. | ||
| Finally, he goes, fuck it. | ||
| I guess I'll just skate this thousand meter, and he apologized to Wisconsin. | ||
| Ahead of time to say, hey guys, I'm not going to win this. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Sorry, Milwaukee. | ||
| Or sorry, Wisconsin. | ||
| And because he gave up and there was no pressure on him whatsoever, he won the fucking gold. | ||
| And they talk about how a lot of athletes and a lot of people in general, that fear, that second guessing, that self-doubt when you're working on a high level and trying to be the best at something, It's something that you have to come to terms with. | ||
| And there are psychological techniques in which to deal with it, but it's so interesting to me that human beings that perform on such a high level and have so much success and get so good at something still have dragons to slay. | ||
| They still have fucking psychological dragons to slay. | ||
| It never ends. | ||
| You know when you really have a dragon to slay? | ||
| When you think that you don't have a dragon to slay. | ||
| That's when you're really fucked. | ||
| And that's what happens to a lot of people. | ||
| They reach a certain point, whether it's artistically, whether it's athletically, they reach a certain point where they feel like they've made it or they're beyond reproach or they're not hungry or growing anymore and stagnation sets in and then mediocrity is coming next. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And one of the things I always find with young people, and I think a lot of young people listen to this, is that self-doubt always stops people. | ||
| But you've got to realize that successful people, all successful people, have self-doubt. | ||
| They just learn not to indulge it. | ||
| They learn to ignore it or they use it to their advantage. | ||
| Self-doubt is a human emotion. | ||
| It's there. | ||
| Not believing in yourself is human, but you can learn how to deal with that. | ||
| That should never stop you from going for things. | ||
| So what if you don't believe in yourself? | ||
| So take the action anyway. | ||
| Take the first fucking step, right? | ||
| That's what you see with this. | ||
| And one of the things that I think is so interesting is you see people with, oh, this is great. | ||
| This guy who's this therapist, he deals with a lot of top CEOs, like big-time fucking people who run huge corporations. | ||
| And they don't want anybody knowing that they see him, but they'll see him and they'll bill out at $500 an hour or whatever, but he gets results. | ||
| And I said, what's the overriding thing you have to help very successful people with? | ||
| I'm talking about big-time business leaders and big-time athletes. | ||
| And you know what he said? | ||
| He was talking about business leaders. | ||
| He goes, most of them feel like frauds. | ||
| And I went, really? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, most of them feel like they don't deserve to be where they are. | ||
| They feel like they're going to be found out. | ||
| They feel generally like they're frauds. | ||
| Like they just got there by fucking, just the God smiled on them and now they're here and what the fuck do they do? | ||
| And I was like, God, that's crazy shit. | ||
| You see these people who run entire corporations and in their hearts they feel like complete frauds. | ||
| That's human. | ||
| I think you have to have a certain amount of humility to achieve excellence. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And in that humility there's going to come an observing eye upon you that's so critical. | ||
| Your self-observations are so much more critical than anybody else's observations to you if you're good at it because you know yourself more than anybody does. | ||
| You're with yourself 24 hours a day. | ||
| So a guy like that, of course, is going to look at himself going, you fucking pussy. | ||
| You're faking this whole thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because really his way of looking at himself is he's not really impressed with himself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is why he's done so well in the first place. | ||
| Well, I couldn't watch my one-hour special. | ||
| I fucking hated it. | ||
| I went into a funk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I know I'm much better than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got to be careful with that. | ||
| You can really fuck your head up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Again, watch my old shit. | ||
| If I watch my old shit, I'll get disgusted with myself. | ||
| I'm the same way. | ||
| Sloppy timing. | ||
| And I thought I was great. | ||
| I'm killing the room. | ||
| The audience is going crazy. | ||
| Then I watch it and I'm like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| You know what's really fucked up, man? | ||
| Try watching some old comedy. | ||
| I mean, you're growing and you're getting better, but try watching some shit from Bob Hope from the 1950s. | ||
| Try watching that. | ||
| It's dated, dude. | ||
| My God, is it dated. | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| You know what kind of holds up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Fucking Don Rickles. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He holds up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's still around. | |
| Yeah, he's still throwing down. | ||
| He was just in Vegas in April. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He tweets Don Rickles. | |
| Does he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's a good Twitter. | |
| What's his Twitter? | ||
| He said to Bob Saget, when Bob Saget was doing dirty work, he was directing a thing, and he comes to set, and he goes, he comes up to Bob Saget, and he goes, Yeah, I'm here to do this movie for you. | ||
| I understand you're directing the movie. | ||
| I told Mr. Martin Scorsese. | ||
| I said I just came from, by the way. | ||
| I just told Martin Scorsese that you were directing a film. | ||
| The man clutched his chest. | ||
| I'm already following him. | ||
| It's Don Rickles. | ||
| I gotta follow him. | ||
| D-O-N-R-I-C-K-L-E-S. Yeah, he's got good tweets. | ||
| Don Rickles is a monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's get him on a podcast. | |
| That would be amazing. | ||
| Yeah, he's a still funny old dude. | ||
| Some guys can keep it up, man. | ||
| In comedy, there's not that many. | ||
| There's a certain age that a lot of them hit. | ||
| Very few get to be like George Carlin, who was really funny right till his death. | ||
| He also decided somewhere along the line to not just do jokes. | ||
| He was like, I want to talk about stuff that matters to me. | ||
| Yeah, and he was so prolific. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at Don Rickles' latest photo. | |
| He has a picture of him and his cat. | ||
| I mean, John Rivers. | ||
| He's almost 90, dude. | ||
| John Rivers is not Don Rickles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I mean, his latest photo, she looks like a cat. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Like, there's a photo of him and her in, like, a green room or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she looks like a puma. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Isn't that weird looking? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Okay, do you remember the time? | ||
| I like her too, by the way. | ||
| Still doing it. | ||
| Are you seeing that face, man? | ||
| Pull that picture up, man. | ||
| 75 years old. | ||
| I went into the green room once at the Breyer Improv, and I just arrived, and me and Joey Diaz smoked weed in the parking lot. | ||
| We just blitzkrieged. | ||
| That initial rush of intoxication where you're really too high to be talking. | ||
| Words are not going to come to you. | ||
| You're awash in a wave of feeling and weirdness and I sit down, I look up, and there's some Joan Rivers reality show. | ||
| And I'm looking at her face. | ||
| I'm looking at her poor face. | ||
| And her face is a goddamn mask. | ||
| It's not a face. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Come on, Joan. | ||
| And that's when she's not talking. | ||
| But when she's moving, it's all stuffed out there with fillers and stuff that keep your skin from looking wrinkly. | ||
| You have to stretch your skin out. | ||
| There's a reason in the Judeo-Christian mythology vanity is one of the seven deadly sins, right? | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| Vanity eats itself. | ||
| It's a snake eating its own tail. | ||
| Pull that picture up again, Brian. | ||
| You're worshipping false gods, you know? | ||
| Dov and I were talking about that. | ||
| Like, what happens to you when you worship false gods, when you worship money, shiny things, when you worship even your own looks? | ||
| But that's craziness. | ||
| You run into some fucking problems. | ||
| Don Rickles is actually a little better looking and a little younger looking in some ways than she is. | ||
| Oh, well, at least he looks natural. | ||
| He doesn't offend you when you look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He looks like Don Barris' dad. | |
| Yeah, but you look at Don Rickles, you're like, there's a guy. | ||
| Hi, mister. | ||
| How are you, sir? | ||
| But if you look at her, you're like, oh my god, this lady's wearing a mask. | ||
| That's the craziest thing I've ever seen. | ||
| She looks like she has a kabuki mask on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jesus! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like an Egyptian drawing. | |
| With the nose, how it's like straight down. | ||
| She looks like she's fighting G-forces. | ||
| She's literally falling through the air. | ||
| And does it make her happy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She's obviously working a lot. | ||
| She's happy to be working. | ||
| She does a lot of jokes about her plastic surgery. | ||
| Yeah, but I think that's one of those people that I think is driven by a hole they can never fill. | ||
| God bless her. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| But I think that... | ||
| She's certainly driven by a sense of her own inadequacy in some way. | ||
| I heard a documentary is amazing. | ||
| Yeah, so did I. You haven't seen it? | ||
| No, but I want to see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see it, Brian? | |
| It's on my list. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I heard it was really good, but it just doesn't seem entertaining enough for me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm sure it's good. | ||
| I've heard really good things, but I think that's somebody who never came to terms with With who she is. | ||
| She never let go of something. | ||
| She's still trying to hold on. | ||
| It's actually a form of madness. | ||
| To hold on to your youth like that is just mad. | ||
| It's actually crazy. | ||
| It's another pattern. | ||
| You know, it's a pattern just like the people that stuff the fucking plates in their lips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a crazy pattern of plastic surgery that a lot of women engage in, and they start getting nips and tucks. | ||
| Is that her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, look how hot she used to be. | |
| Oh my god, look at her. | ||
| She was great. | ||
| Can you turn it on so we can hear it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All he has to be is clean and able to pick up the check. | |
| He's a winner. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| A man can call up anybody in the whole world. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| Hello, I saw your name in the locker room. | ||
| I thought I'd give you a quick call. | ||
| A girl can't call. | ||
| Girl, you have to wait for the phone to ring, right? | ||
| And when you finally go on the date, the girl has to be well-dressed, the face has to look nice, the hair has to be in shape, the girl has to be the one that's bright and pretty, intelligent, a good sport? | ||
| Howard Johnson's again, hooray, hooray! | ||
| Kills me! | ||
| That's actually pretty funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's great. | |
| A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married, you're an old maid. | ||
| A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married, he's a catch. | ||
| It's a whole different thing! | ||
| It took guts back then, too. | ||
| It took guts. | ||
| Look at that, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's pumping fists and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She kind of has a Sarah Silverman type kind of feel to her. | |
| Bring him along. | ||
| Bring him along. | ||
| He's 98. Bring him. | ||
| Bring him. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| Run on. | ||
| We'll prop him. | ||
| Just bring him. | ||
| We'll say he's quiet. | ||
| I know what I'm speaking about, because my mother had two of us at home that weren't, as the expression goes, moving. | ||
| And I'm from a little town called Larchmont, where if you're not married, you're a girl, and you're over 21, you're better off dead. | ||
| It's that simple, you know? | ||
| And I was the last girl in Larchmont! | ||
| Do you know how that feels? | ||
| Sitting around my mother's house, 21, 22, 24, having a good time, living, eating candy bars, enjoying myself, but single! | ||
| And the neighbors would come over and they'd say to my mother, how's Joan? | ||
| Still not married? | ||
| And my mother would say, if she were alive, do you know how that hurts? | ||
| When you're sitting right there? | ||
| Some of it's a little dated, but some of it's pretty funny. | ||
| She's sexy. | ||
| Would you like that, Brian? | ||
| She's pretty sexy. | ||
| Would you try to get her a podcast if she was today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I would love to have her on a podcast. | |
| No, no, no, that's not what I mean. | ||
| I mean, if you saw her back then, would you be like, hey, want to do a podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, totally. | |
| You might hear about me on the internet and come on in and do a podcast. | ||
| You would try to hit it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yeah. | |
| I wouldn't, actually. | ||
| I'd never try to date a... | ||
| A comic? | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I would think you would... | ||
| I think because I see... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have, though, right? | |
| I see the... | ||
| No, never, never. | ||
| I see the... | ||
| I love... | ||
| I mean, look, I love certain comics. | ||
| I love Sierra Tiana. | ||
| Anybody who ever dated her would be lucky. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| I got a lot of friends like that. | ||
| But, I mean, a lot of... | ||
| I love Liza Schlesinger. | ||
| She's my friend. | ||
| I think she's... | ||
| I just like her. | ||
| I think she's a person. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| But you wouldn't want to date? | ||
| No, I don't know about that. | ||
| Those two girls I can see, you know, because they're friends of mine, I can see dating someone like that. | ||
| So I don't want to say I wouldn't date a comic. | ||
| It's rare. | ||
| Yeah, I'm just watching her and I kind of, I see a lot of a need to be, an overwhelming need to be loved. | ||
| And coupled with the fact that that's her first love when she's on stage, that's a lot to compete with. | ||
| You know, two comics is tough to make work because you're both coming together like with your own crazy shit. | ||
| Yeah, you know who it works with? | ||
| Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky? | ||
| They at work. | ||
| Tom Segura, by the way, is a great fucking guy. | ||
| He's a fucking awesome guy. | ||
| He's a great... | ||
| I got to know him recently, and we did this mashup, Comedy Central mashup together. | ||
| He's such a fucking nice, supportive dude who's genuine. | ||
| He'll be like, you're fucking hilarious. | ||
| He's just a great... | ||
| Just one of those guys not competing with you. | ||
| He's not trying to one-up. | ||
| He's just genuinely happy for you. | ||
| Yeah, he's an awesome dude. | ||
| He's a rare gift. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| We did that whole Maxim comic tour, you know, with me and Hefron and Charlie Murphy. | ||
| We did it in every town. | ||
| They had, like, a local guy would go up and do, like, ten minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we did it in Phoenix, and somehow or another, Segura was on, because he's not really from Phoenix, but he was in the area or whatever. | ||
| So he went up, and I was like, holy shit, this guy's funny. | ||
| And it was like, his timing and his rhythm were so good. | ||
| I'm like, how the fuck do I not know about this guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's one of those weird things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It kind of weirded me out. | ||
| How come this guy's not famous? | ||
| He kind of lets the audience reach for him. | ||
| That's a different thing. | ||
| She's controlling the space and she's going to make you like her no matter what. | ||
| Sigoura just kind of sits up there like, whatever, I'm just going to talk and he's fucking hilarious. | ||
| He's got a big midget bit though. | ||
| He does? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He asked me about it, and I was like, man, really? | ||
| Do midgets need more people shitting on them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, also, because I'm friends with Brad Williams, so I don't like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love the guy, so, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so good. | |
| Or little people, rather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little people. | |
| You know, I would like to get that. | ||
| Well, there's dwarves, there are midgets... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you're not supposed to ever say midget, apparently. | ||
| Did you ever see that fucking office, the British one, where they're like, well, there are dwarves, there are midgets, there are sprites, there are elves. | ||
| It's like, are they real? | ||
| Yes, they're real, you idiot. | ||
| They have this debate about all the different small people. | ||
| You can YouTube it. | ||
| It's really, really funny. | ||
| Have you seen those people that they found that lived 10,000 years ago that really were tiny people on the island of Flores? | ||
| No. | ||
| You've never seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
| The Flores Hobbit Man? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god, how do you not know about this? | ||
| Brian, pull that shit up so Brian can look at it. | ||
| That's pretty wild. | ||
| Yeah, apparently they lived alongside humans as recently as 10,000 years ago. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They found their bodies. | ||
| Well, it's like pygmies. | ||
| It's like the pygmies of the Congo. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Pygmies are very small. | ||
| They were totally different. | ||
| They were a different species of human. | ||
| They had different, you know, their proportions were different. | ||
| I always forget that pygmies exist. | ||
| I know it's weird, but I always forget. | ||
| Sometimes I'll go, holy shit, pygmies are out there. | ||
| They're fucking pygmies in the Congo. | ||
| How tall are they? | ||
| They're like four feet tall and really muscular. | ||
| So what do you think happened? | ||
| That was the best way to be? | ||
| I think you evolved to your circumstances. | ||
| Maybe if there's not a lot of food. | ||
| The ones that survived were smaller. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's definitely a genetic mutation. | ||
| It's a genetic strain of people. | ||
| They're proportioned. | ||
| They're not dwarves. | ||
| They're not midgets. | ||
| They're small people. | ||
| Have you ever seen the videos of them fishing in the Congo River? | ||
| Oh my god, look at how cute they are. | ||
| Yeah, that's how tall they were. | ||
| That's a depiction of them, but there's some better ones. | ||
| They're actual more technical ones than a dude with a fish over his dick. | ||
| What's up with that? | ||
| That guy right there. | ||
| The ones in the far right. | ||
| Yeah, all those. | ||
| Wow, fucking that's weird. | ||
| No, I meant the one that was right above that, Brian. | ||
| Yeah, that guy. | ||
| That's what he supposedly looked like. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| Yeah, he's much more monkey-like. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| But it was a type of human being. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, apparently there were several different types of human beings, not just Neanderthals, not just Homo sapiens. | ||
| The real issue, and this is the number one issue, that other one is him as well, Brian, the depiction. | ||
| Right, bring up some pygmies. | ||
| Pull up that fake depiction to the second from the left. | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| That's what he supposedly looked like if it was a real person. | ||
| Sexy as fuck. | ||
| If that's a girl, not my type. | ||
| He could be at the helm of some British band. | ||
| You know, some crazy, raucous British band. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate you. | |
| You are correct. | ||
| Are you ready to walk New Zealand? | ||
| They apparently lived alongside a bunch of other ones. | ||
| What I was going to say is that what's really difficult is that everything that dies doesn't make a fossil. | ||
| So they find fossils, but they don't necessarily have a completely accurate record of everything that ever lived. | ||
| And they don't know how many holes are missing. | ||
| It's really difficult to tell. | ||
| They just found some recent fucking thing. | ||
| Some amateur paleontologist found some recent... | ||
| Some seven foot long thing with all this weird, crazy fucking skin. | ||
| They don't know what it was. | ||
| We've never seen this thing before. | ||
| Some new thing. | ||
| This is the first fossil of it that they found. | ||
| We'll just try to figure out what the fuck it is. | ||
| Sure, I'm sure there were life forms that just didn't make it. | ||
| Did you hear about the Titan boa that they just recently found? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| Holy fucking shit, huh? | ||
| How about a boa constrictor that eats crocodiles? | ||
| It's the fucking craziest thing in the world. | ||
| That's a giant serpent. | ||
| 65 foot long animal. | ||
| It's a dragon. | ||
| Confirmed size. | ||
| It's a dragon. | ||
| There were dragons, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and that's the thing that there's a reason why all those myths exist. | ||
| Because things like the Komodo dragon, which by the way, will fucking kill you. | ||
| Hey, how about the fucking Nile crocodile? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good luck with those. | ||
| 28 feet long. | ||
| Yeah, good luck with the Nile crocodile. | ||
| Swim for miles out into the ocean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And I talked to a zoologist in Florida about it. | ||
| They're like, oh, oh, Nile Crocodiles will eat a tire. | ||
| If you throw a tire at it, sometimes they eat the tire. | ||
| I go, what do you mean? | ||
| They go, they eat everything! | ||
| I said everything. | ||
| He goes, everything! | ||
| They'll grab an elephant by the trunk. | ||
| There's video of it. | ||
| Have you seen the video of these dudes in the Congo that got, not video rather, it was a thing on CNN. There were three adventurers on kayaks and one of them got killed by a crocodile and they're depicting death on the Nile and they're just depicting this crocodile jacking them. | ||
| Yeah, but here's the thing. | ||
| Here, ready? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not going on the fucking, I'm not going on the Nile. | |
| It's like the thing I do. | ||
| It's like, oh, the Nile with crocodiles in a fucking kayak? | ||
| Nah! | ||
| Nah! | ||
| I'll go rock climbing. | ||
| How's that sound in the Andes or in the Rockies? | ||
| And I won't even do that. | ||
| Or it's like, how about the woman who got her face eaten by... | ||
| I was thinking about that. | ||
| She gets attacked. | ||
| Yeah, hands and face eaten. | ||
| If you've got a 200-pound chimp just running around the house, I'm not fucking coming over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll Skype with you, dude. | ||
| It's a man creature with six, seven times the upper body strength of a grown man with a three-year-old's brain. | ||
| That's a bad combination. | ||
| They said the crocodile was pulling the kayak under like a shake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| As it was trying to pull the guy out of it because it turned him over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God! | |
| It reached up, grabbed him, and he's still stuck in the kayak. | ||
| So he's trying to hang on. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| The crocodile pulled him and plopped him. | ||
| Oh no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| And then he just went under the water and they never saw it again. | ||
| Dude, I don't want any part of that shit. | ||
| I don't want to die by biting. | ||
| 20 plus feet long. | ||
| I don't want to die by biting. | ||
| It's why I don't go swimming in the fucking Santa Monica Bay because there are great whites all over. | ||
| They just swim around. | ||
| How's that go? | ||
| This is a cool video of one that was taken right off the Malibu coast by a helicopter. | ||
| Saw it. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Just swimming around. | ||
| I know all about the Santa Monica Bay and great whites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I'm old. | ||
| I'm like, saw it. | ||
| I'm obsessed. | ||
| I know of a couple of deaths, and they haunt me. | ||
| One of them was a guy that was in, they were training for a triathlon, and so they were swimming in the ocean, and there was something, there was quite a few of them, and one guy got bit in half by a great white, and that was right off of San Diego. | ||
| And then recently, in Santa Barbara, I think last year, a guy got bit in half again by another great white. | ||
| Yeah, because he was surfing in water. | ||
| He was bodyboarding. | ||
| He's bodyboarding. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| Well, what they found was on that Geo that in the Santa Monica Pier at any given time, I think it's during the fall, there are as many great whites there as anywhere in the world. | ||
| That's where they come to breed. | ||
| So they're swimming among the pylons. | ||
| All right? | ||
| Guess who's not going swimming in that water? | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's scary. | ||
| I'm not going in that water. | ||
| If you had to choose what animal to die by, what would it be? | ||
| I would say a big cat because they kill you quick. | ||
| Yeah, because they know where your juggler is. | ||
| Yeah, you would just go out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd go hamster. | |
| You'd go right out. | ||
| It's like being choked. | ||
| You know how bad it would take for a hamster to kill you? | ||
| I asked Crystal Leah. | ||
| They'd have to tie you down and fill the hamster up with steroids. | ||
| I asked Crystal Leah, and we're all coming up, and Crystal Leah goes, ants. | ||
| I go, dude, that would be terrible. | ||
| He goes, I don't care, I'm brave. | ||
| And he just walked away. | ||
| I was like, you fucking asshole. | ||
| When you hear about what ants do, one of the things they do is they kill elephants. | ||
| They climb up the elephant's leg, and they go into his ear, and they start eating the elephant from the ear, from the inside of their ear. | ||
| This is what, you know, I have the 10-minute podcast that I do with Will Sasso and Chris D'Elia. | ||
| If you guys want to, it's called the10minutepodcast.com, and this is the kind of shit we talk about. | ||
| We pick a topic like this, and we just fucking talk about it, and it's 10 minutes. | ||
| And if we don't finish the topic, the music's down, then we're fucking done. | ||
| The music starts a minute. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's been really fun. | ||
| That's a fun thing to do like on a commute, like to listen to on your way to work. | ||
| That's why we've been doing well because we get together, Will and I said, let's do a podcast, but let's make it only 10 minutes. | ||
| That's really smart. | ||
| Yeah, and so that's what we've been doing. | ||
| And calling it 10 Minute Podcast is smart too. | ||
| It's called the 10 Minute Podcast and you go to 10minutepodcast.com and you can download it. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| I've been killing it. | ||
| That's a funny idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But ants, I think ants are the number one killer of any animal in Africa. | ||
| I believe that's true. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know that ants, there's more ants. | ||
| I think mosquitoes are from malaria. | ||
| There's more weight per ant or commensurate rate as it is human beings. | ||
| Total body mass. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Think about how much bigger a person is than a fucking ant and they weigh. | ||
| If you added up all the weight of all the ants and all the weight of all the people, it would be basically the same. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Somebody said something interesting about, like if you took, this is really interesting about, they said, this biologist was saying, if you took all the ants and you killed, if you killed all the ants on the planet, life on Earth would cease to exist in about five years, as you know it, because ants are such an integral part of the ecosystem for a thousand reasons. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Life would go on even just the ecosystem would be totally intact in five years. | ||
| It's just kind of an interesting distinction where how much more important in some ways ants are to life on this planet than humans are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now why is that? | |
| Because ants are such an integral part of the ecosystem whereas human beings are actually in a lot of ways an intrusion. | ||
| On endoconstructures and all kinds of things that require sustainable life. | ||
| Look what we've done to the environment as it stands just by living. | ||
| This inexorable rise of human flesh pushing and fucking, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but why ants? | |
| Just because they... | ||
| Well, ants are like a very important part. | ||
| They provide food and aeration and all kinds of things. | ||
| I don't know what the, you know, I'm not a biologist, but it was just a kind of a really interesting distinction to think that Ants, in a lot of ways, as a whole, are way more important and actually crucial to life on planet Earth. | ||
| Whereas human beings, if you got rid of every human being, life on planet Earth would probably carry on really, really well. | ||
| It's kind of a humbling kind of concept. | ||
| Ants kill 30 people per year. | ||
| 30? | ||
| 30 people every year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
More than weed. | |
| Well, bees. | ||
| I'm sure bees kill a lot more people, I'm sure. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, people are allergic to bees. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| And wasps and things. | ||
| Aren't people allergic to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably fire ants, right? | |
| Do you know how they, in Australia, you know how they get rid of crocodiles in an area? | ||
| It's really wild. | ||
| They'll just kill a shitload of them in one area, and then crocodiles will avoid that area for the next five, ten years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They can smell the death there, even when the carcass is removed. | ||
| They'll shoot a bunch of crocodiles in one area, and they'll keep doing that, I don't know for how long, and then crocs will not go to that area. | ||
| How many people do you think hippos kill every year? | ||
| That, they say, kills more people in Africa than any other animal because you get in the way of a hippo in the water and you're fucking done. | ||
| Take a guess. | ||
| I don't know, but my guess is... | ||
| All right, I'll give you my guess. | ||
| And then we're going to Google how many people die by snake bite in India, which is about 20,000 from what I heard, which is actually an inflated figure because a lot of times when you brain your wife in a village, you blame it on a snake. | ||
| Having said that, I'm going to say that the number of people in Africa killed by a hippo are upwards of 500. 2,900 annually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's way more than that. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Oh, that's so scary. | ||
| That's as many people as killed in 9-11, practically. | ||
| 2,900 people annually in Africa are fucked up by hippos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They're very aggressive, unpredictable, and have no fear of humans. | ||
| People die most often when they get between a hippo and deep water or between a mother and her calf. | ||
| That's a bitch to be in the way of. | ||
| They're monstrous. | ||
| They're so huge and they can run faster than you can and they'll crush you. | ||
| Yeah, they bite you in half. | ||
| And they'll chase you down. | ||
| They'll chase you down. | ||
| And they'll bite your head and kill you. | ||
| They'll bite your whole body in half. | ||
| They bite crocodiles in half. | ||
| They're so powerful. | ||
| There's a photo of a guy running in Africa. | ||
| He's running full clip down the street and the hippos chasing him. | ||
| And in that photo... | ||
| This poor fuck. | ||
| I don't know what happened to him. | ||
| But you see in that photo what really is going on. | ||
| You see this monster from a movie. | ||
| It's like from that movie Relic. | ||
| Remember that movie Relic with Tom Sizemore? | ||
| This crazy monster comes out. | ||
| That's so primal. | ||
| That's what a hippo's like. | ||
| It's so primal. | ||
| Human beings... | ||
| Being eaten for a human being is actually an instinct. | ||
| With children, when you take an infant and you go... | ||
| In their face, they'll scream and cry. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Because that's a primal fear for us. | ||
| It goes back to our genetics, our ancestors. | ||
| And hippos are about as primal as you can get. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| A big, stupid, giant, muscle-bound animal. | ||
| That's a rhino. | ||
| That's a rhino, son. | ||
| Oh, is it poop? | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's really funny. | |
| Wait, can you bring up that picture of the hippo? | ||
| Yeah, see if a man running from a hippo. | ||
| See if you find that. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, that's Ace Ventura. | ||
| Rhino birth. | ||
| Oh, this is so silly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fucking hilarious. | |
| Is this the new Ace Ventura or is this the old one? | ||
| Isn't there a new... | ||
| Aren't they going to do a new Ace Ventura? | ||
| I think they're doing a new Anchorman. | ||
| A new Anchorman. | ||
| A new Dumb and Dumber, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What happened to him? | ||
| He kind of got bored of making movies? | ||
| Jim Carrey? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably just overdosed on pussy. | ||
| Yeah, and money. | ||
| And money. | ||
| Wasn't he banging Jenny McCarthy for the longest time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That takes a lot of time. | ||
| Yeah, look at that poor guy. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Fucking A. There's a couple photos too. | ||
| It's not just this one. | ||
| There's another one where the thing is actually on the road. | ||
| Could you punch it in the nose? | ||
| Good luck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Throw some marbles on it. | ||
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| Throw some marbles. | ||
| Look at the size of that thing's fucking head. | ||
| Look at images. | ||
| Yeah, the one on the far left, Brian. | ||
| Oh yeah, look at that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Poor fuck. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Oh my, look at the head on that thing. | ||
| And look at the guy's just in the air. | ||
| He's running so fast, he's in the air. | ||
| Yeah, that would be me. | ||
| And the thing is right on him. | ||
| That would be me. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Very few people have ever had to run for their lives, and that's you running for your life. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That is legit running for your life. | ||
| The upper left one is terrifying. | ||
| That one right there? | ||
| Because it's like he's making the turn. | ||
| Look at the eyes on it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's so close to that poor guy. | ||
| That thing is going to fucking kill him. | ||
| I hope it didn't catch him. | ||
| Oh, he snuck up on it, this stupid fuck. | ||
| He's a gamekeeper. | ||
| Look, he was like walking near it. | ||
| And then all of a sudden the thing turned on him. | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| This is some of the most frightening photos on the internet. | ||
| I'm not doing that shit. | ||
| If I see a hippo, I'm running. | ||
| It's like when I was down, they brought a lion on set. | ||
| They brought a lion. | ||
| Guess who was fucking hiding in his dressing room? | ||
| Literally, I was like, yeah! | ||
| You don't know how to control a lion. | ||
| It was a male lion that they modeled the Lion King after. | ||
| 525 pound male lion. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| And all the other actors are like, oh, that's so neat. | ||
| They're like, want to pet it. | ||
| And they're like, oh, yeah, he's fine. | ||
| The trainer, he's got a ponytail and a fucking, you know, safari outfit on. | ||
| What the fuck are you going to do when Mr. Leone decides, oh, you're food. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so scary. | ||
| I hid. | ||
| That's such a scary fucking animal, dude. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And the idea that it could just snap at any moment. | ||
| There's a lot of goddamn YouTube videos. | ||
| It's like, do you not go on YouTube? | ||
| Do you not see these animals that are being held by the trainers and all of a sudden they just lash out? | ||
| I was in Alaska with my dad... | ||
| What is that picture? | ||
| It's giving birth to something. | ||
| Oh, that's a hyena eating its ass out. | ||
| That's a hyena eating a hippo's asshole. | ||
| That's what it's doing. | ||
| Have you ever seen the videos of lions eating hippos? | ||
| They just climb on them and start biting them? | ||
| Yeah, I saw the video where the hippo bit the lion in the head and killed it. | ||
| Crush it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How hungry do the lions have to be where they want to eat a hippo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very hungry. | |
| Tough times, man. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's not easy life on the Serengeti. | ||
| People complain about Hollywood. | ||
| People complain about having a job. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Look at what some life forms have to go through. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's amazing when you look at Africa. | ||
| Africa has always fascinated me because out of all the really places on earth where there's just an overwhelming amount of dangerous monsters, it's Africa. | ||
| I mean, Africa has everything. | ||
| They have Nile crocodiles. | ||
| They have great white sharks. | ||
| They have lions. | ||
| They have hippos. | ||
| They have hyenas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even ostriches. | |
| They have poisonous snakes. | ||
| Ostriches are kicking the shit out of you. | ||
| Kicking the fucking head right away, yeah. | ||
| They're mean cunts too. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| We had them in a set of Fear Factor. | ||
| They try to bite you, man. | ||
| They try to jack you. | ||
| I was in Indonesia in the rainforest. | ||
| They got wasps. | ||
| With like three abdomens, orange fur, fucking you can see the stingers, and they're just hanging out. | ||
| One got caught in my sister's hair. | ||
| And you know, usually as a brave guy, you'd kill the wasp that's in your sister's hair. | ||
| I fucking ran for the hills. | ||
| Have you seen this new wasp they discovered that looks like a goddamn science fiction movie? | ||
| No, they scare the fuck out of me, though. | ||
| Brian, pull up new giant wasp discovered. | ||
| Well, that's what you get in Indonesia. | ||
| I was playing with a snake with a stick, and Biruti Galdikas, a woman, she goes... | ||
| If that thing bites you, young man, you'll be dead in a half hour, and we're six hours upstream on a boat from the nearest hospital. | ||
| If you Google it, Brian, there's a crazy photo of one. | ||
| It's as big as the guy's hand. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want any part of that. | ||
| Look at this thing. | ||
| Yeah, nah, no thanks. | ||
| Yeah, that's got mannibals, so it bites you and it hump stings you. | ||
| And if you go back, Brian, to do an image search... | ||
| Dude, how about the Death Star Scorpion? | ||
| Death Star Scorpion. | ||
| Look at the size of this fucking thing. | ||
| Why is that in the guy's hand? | ||
| Jesus Christ, look at the size of that thing. | ||
| What is he doing with that thing? | ||
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| That's a Japanese yellow wasp, I think. | ||
| A hornet, you mean? | ||
| Yeah, that's a Japanese yellow hornet. | ||
| Have you ever seen the video? | ||
| Yeah, they kill bees. | ||
| They'll kill 30,000 bees. | ||
| Yeah, a whole hive will be coming and they just chop them in half. | ||
| Six of them. | ||
| Six of them will kill 30,000 bees. | ||
| Six of them. | ||
| Do you know how they kill them? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They surround... | ||
| Oh, who are you talking to? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who are you talking to? | |
| Let me finish your sentences. | ||
| You mean when they cover them and flap their wings and the wasp dies of heat? | ||
| Yeah, you might have told me that. | ||
| Well, because they send the scout in. | ||
| The scout goes flying around and he goes, oh, look, a hive. | ||
| Let me drop some scent here. | ||
| Be right back. | ||
| Have a good day. | ||
| And they go back and then they come back with six fucking just... | ||
| It's like all of us hanging out having tea and helicopter gunships come in and just go... | ||
| And you're like, what is that? | ||
| Is that... | ||
| Do you want some more milk? | ||
| And you get fucking blown. | ||
| You know what it really would be like is if we were just hanging out and giants came into town and just started eating us. | ||
| Biting your head off. | ||
| Biting your head off and throwing your body down and grabbing another one and biting your head off. | ||
| I'm bored with this. | ||
| Do you think there were ever giants? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I want a giant. | ||
| I want a pet giant. | ||
| They're very loyal, as long as you don't feed them meat. | ||
| If you see, like, movies with giants in them, you've got to wonder, like, I wonder what the biggest person ever was. | ||
| Well, you know, Andre the Giant was 525 pounds. | ||
| But I mean, like, giants. | ||
| I mean, like, 20 feet tall. | ||
| Well, I don't think anatomically the body can really work, but I love this conversation. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, look at this. | |
| Why can't it work? | ||
| Two guys. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Look at this thing running at the... | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| That's fucking scary! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It hit the jeep, dude. | |
| Are they really slowing down? | ||
| That made me scared. | ||
| Why are they shutting the engine off, ever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That looks alright. | |
| You know, it's really horrible to watch somebody... | ||
| It must be terrible. | ||
| Well, with that one with it, it goes after the lion. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's a water buffalo. | ||
| Did you see the one with the lion... | ||
| Honey badger and a lion. | ||
| Oh yeah, look at these lions trying to bring down this hippo. | ||
| Oh, this is so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love this song. | |
| This week on Hippo Attacks. | ||
| And this guy's just sitting there in a fucking truck taking video of it. | ||
| Well, you know, animals a lot of times won't bother you. | ||
| Whatever, man. | ||
| When David Blaine, if I can get David Blaine on this thing, ask him to show you his video of him swimming with gray whites. | ||
| That guy's a strange cat, man. | ||
| He has a legit record for holding your breath, right? | ||
| Yeah, he's held his breath on Oprah for 17 minutes. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| He talks about it on TED.com. | ||
| He tried to do it as a trick and realized he couldn't do it. | ||
| And then he said the craziest trick of all is if I really did it. | ||
| And he started training for it. | ||
| And he did a 15-minute lecture on TED.com about how he broke the world record holding his breath. | ||
| And it's fucking amazing. | ||
| You should watch it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He also caught a bullet in his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, he puts a steel cylinder in his mouth and he had his buddy Bill Kalush actually shoot because Bill shoots and he just trusted Bill and he didn't move and Bill shot a fucking shot at 22 right into his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think it would be possible? | |
| He's always been obsessed with like human suffering and going beyond the physical. | ||
| Do you think it would be possible for him to, like, swallow a oxygen container and then have a tube coming out into his mouth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He tried. | |
| He tried it. | ||
| He tried it. | ||
| He even tried to get surgically, tried to get a breathing tube stuffed down his throat that nobody could see. | ||
| It just didn't work. | ||
| You see him. | ||
| You see him on the operating table. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| He's pushed his body. | ||
| On the operating table. | ||
| They opened him up and they tried to put a tube in there and they said, all right, fuck this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Go to ted.com, ted.com, and watch David Blaine. | ||
| Just type in David Blaine and he talks about it. | ||
| So then it's not a trick. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| He actually held his breath for 17 minutes. | ||
| Well, didn't he do a lot of shit that wasn't a trick? | ||
| Didn't he stand in ice in Times Square for days? | ||
| Yes, but what bothered David was that when David would spend all this money and time doing a great trick that took him a year to perfect, and it was for entertainment, to make people feel good. | ||
| By the way, he didn't take any, he doesn't let anybody sponsor him. | ||
| And then he finally let Target sponsor him, and only if Target gave that money to underprivileged children. | ||
| They could all have a shopping spree. | ||
| So David was actually not making any money off this shit because he wouldn't, like, he turned, I think it was Coca-Cola, one of the soft drink companies, down. | ||
| They wanted to give him a million dollars. | ||
| To do what? | ||
| To promote it to soda. | ||
| And he said, it's bad for you, I'm not going to do it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know that he was offered the believe that Chris Angel did in Vegas? | ||
| That was his deal. | ||
| They offered him $250 million to do that fucking thing, and he said no. | ||
| He didn't want to be a Vegas act. | ||
| So David is one of those guys who just... | ||
| Penn and Teller are a Vegas act, though. | ||
| They're pretty badass. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| They pull it off. | ||
| How do they pull it off? | ||
| He probably doesn't want to do all those shows, too. | ||
| He also doesn't want to be... | ||
| He's just a really particular guy that way. | ||
| So what does he do? | ||
| He puts together specials and then... | ||
| What happened was he would do a show. | ||
| He'd spend all his time on it. | ||
| And then Fox would say... | ||
| They'd come out with a special called Behind the Magic. | ||
| And they'd say this is how he did it. | ||
| And a lot of times they did it wrong. | ||
| That's not how he did the trick. | ||
| That's not how he did it. | ||
| So they would lie. | ||
| They'd fucking lie and they'd say, this is how he did it. | ||
| When David was like, that's not how I did it. | ||
| No, you're wrong. | ||
| But it would ruin the trick. | ||
| It took all the magic out of it. | ||
| It just made him feel bad. | ||
| I was just like, fucking, what are you doing? | ||
| It's like, why is that entertainment? | ||
| The whole point, it's an illusion. | ||
| So was that when he started doing these endurance feats? | ||
| Yeah, but I've known him since he was 17. He was always obsessed with Houdini. | ||
| And David had a tough childhood and went through a lot and I think had to learn how to deal with a lot of things that he wanted that he didn't get. | ||
| He had to be very stoic growing up. | ||
| I don't want to betray anything because if you get him on there, he can talk and speak his mind. | ||
| But David did not have an easy childhood. | ||
| At all. | ||
| So he holds the record for holding his breath for 17 minutes. | ||
| And what else did he do? | ||
| Didn't he do something where he stood in a block of ice for like three days or something crazy? | ||
| Yeah, he's always been obsessed with... | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| He was in a block of ice. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| I think it was like three days or something. | ||
| But that might have been a trick. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Sometimes it's a trick. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| Although when I was hanging out with him, he was walking around in a t-shirt in the middle of February in New York to get used to the cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| To get used to the cold. | ||
| He was conditioning his body to deal with extreme hunger and extreme cold. | ||
| He does these things. | ||
| I hope when he's here, ask him to show you, I don't want to give this away, but ask him to show you his Great White video. | ||
| Ask him to show you what he did with Great Whites. | ||
| What would he do? | ||
| Oh, it'll blow your fucking mind. | ||
| It'll blow your mind. | ||
| Nobody's really done it. | ||
| He's a weird guy, man. | ||
| It's a weird way to make a living. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Holding your breath the longest. | ||
| He likes going to extremes. | ||
| He's an extreme dude. | ||
| He's the real deal. | ||
| Does he have any children? | ||
| He called me today. | ||
| He just didn't leave me a message. | ||
| Does he have any children? | ||
| He does. | ||
| He has one child now. | ||
| Is this a recent thing? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| I wonder if it'll change how he does these things. | ||
| He's a very loving guy, so I wouldn't be surprised if it did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could probably make that kid disappear if it doesn't work out. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| No, he's a really loving person. | ||
| He was encased in a massive block of ice located in Times Square. | ||
| Lightly dressed and seemed to be shivering even before the blocks of ice sealed around him. | ||
| A tube supplied him with air and water while his urine was removed. | ||
| With another tube, he was encased in the box for over 63 hours. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| 63 hours and 42 minutes and 15 seconds before being removed with chainsaws. | ||
| The ice was transparent and resting on an elevated platform to show that he was actually inside the ice the entire time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| C&M confirmed that thousands of people braved the pouring rain Wednesday to catch a glimpse of Blaine as workers cut away the ice. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Thousands of people out there in the rain watching this guy fucking in a block of ice. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| He removed the ice and he was obviously dazed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, this is dazed and disoriented. | ||
| Wrapped in blankets, taken to the hospital immediately because doctors feared he might be going into shock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That may or may not have been a trick. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I said it took a month before he was able to walk again. | ||
| Yeah, he went through some shit. | ||
| That's so nuts. | ||
| He's got this awesome crucifix on his back, like this incredible rendition. | ||
| He just has always been obsessed with that sort of human suffering and going beyond. | ||
| Well, it's just that thing, you know, that someone can do something that you can't do. | ||
| That's pretty crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone's willing to do something that you can't do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Didn't he try to do something in London, though, and they started mocking him? | ||
| Yeah, he was suspended in a bridge in a glass case with nothing but water for like 14 days or something. | ||
| That was in London, right? | ||
| Yeah, it was when Chris Rock was like, we got a trickless magician. | ||
| He's living in a box with nothing. | ||
| That's called the projects, motherfucker. | ||
| Come to my neighborhood. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| It is true, too. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| That's a dumb one. | ||
| I haven't seen Chris Rock in a while. | ||
| He kind of takes long hiatuses. | ||
| I think he stopped doing stand-up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think I read something that he stopped doing stand-up for a while. | ||
| I think he was doing something on Broadway, too. | ||
| Maybe he's just really getting into acting or something. | ||
| Yeah, actually he was doing something, I think. | ||
| I think some guys get to a point where they don't want to do it anymore. | ||
| Well, I think that, like anything, when it loses its mystery, when it loses its challenge, I find stand-up incredibly challenging because I always try to keep, like I'm coming up with a whole new hour, I'm trying to reinvent myself. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| You know, it's one of the things, yeah. | ||
| You're making people laugh. | ||
| It's like the greatest gift of all time. | ||
| Yeah, and you're making yourself laugh and surprising yourself. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like the only reason why it would ever be a drag to me is the traveling or if my health started to fail. | ||
| For some reason, I didn't want to get on planes all the time. | ||
| Well, I find traveling difficult. | ||
| The road kind of kicks my ass. | ||
| It's so great to be able to work around L.A. There's so many clubs around LA. Between the improvs, like the Improv of Brea, great club. | ||
| Ontario, great club. | ||
| Irvine, great club. | ||
| There's Comedy and Magic Club. | ||
| There's the Ice House in Pasadena, where we're always at. | ||
| There's so many great clubs in LA that if you wanted to, you could still keep your stand-up going and stay around LA for a while. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| You could get shit done. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| The fucking getting in the planes all the time, it's so unhealthy for your body. | ||
| I can't stand traveling on planes. | ||
| I fucking hate it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| When are we going to come up with better air travel? | ||
| We're still in the 50s because we can't break the sound barrier because we'll crack windows. | ||
| Well, that's what they were trying to do with this crazy fucking rocket ship. | ||
| And let the Earth come back down. | ||
| The real problem is that's not really what they're using it for. | ||
| They're using it to be able to fuck somebody up in New York in 12 minutes. | ||
| That's what the idea is. | ||
| The idea is not for passengers. | ||
| The idea is to be able to fuck somebody up on the other side of the world with immediate precision. | ||
| It's so fucking crazy. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Like the drone that got... | ||
| Funny, the drone that Iran has supposedly now back-engineered. | ||
| That, to me, was one of the greatest moments in my theory that life is just theater and it's not really real and that this is all just a work of fiction. | ||
| When Obama was on TV and said, well, we asked for it back. | ||
| When he was talking about the drone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Have you seen that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You've seen him actually say that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We asked for the drone back. | ||
| Oh, sorry we were spying on you with a fucking automated UFO that shoots missiles. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But can we have it back? | ||
| Brian, on my podcast, I had this CIA paramilitary guy, like a real CIA guy I grew up with, and he's been in Iraq for a long time and Afghanistan and stuff. | ||
| And I fucked the sound up, and I hope, Brian, you can fix it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I may try. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, try, because I want to post it, but the dude... | ||
| Brian's done some magic. | ||
| You've got to do some magic with this guy. | ||
| I'm telling you, I was so enlightened. | ||
| Like, I follow politics, I follow you. | ||
| Well, where does this guy live? | ||
| Well, he just got back from, you know, Iraq. | ||
| So he's here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bring him in the studio. | ||
| No, no, no, he's not here. | ||
| He's in... | ||
| I can't really say where he's... | ||
| Why don't you get him to come in here? | ||
| I can the next time he comes, but he's really hard to get. | ||
| He won't be on camera. | ||
| Well, you don't have to be on camera. | ||
| Just do it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can have it like the shadow, where it's just like a shadow. | |
| It was such a schooling for me. | ||
| Keep the camera on the exercise. | ||
| It was such a schooling, though, for me on what really goes on, how politics really work, how countries really work, how we really work. | ||
| Like, for instance, we... | ||
| As far as any kind of conspiracy theory, he was saying, look, he goes, the way shit works is everybody has different ideas. | ||
| And it just snowballs. | ||
| Somebody floats the idea out there that Iraq is a dangerous threat ultimately to U.S. national security and they create an intellectual argument around it. | ||
| The argument starts to win the day because a lot of other people get involved in it. | ||
| Then there are a lot of people that disagree with it. | ||
| But what happens is then people that disagree with it get bullied and shut their fucking mouths. | ||
| And before you know it, there's a lot of also private enterprise that's going to make a lot of money off this stuff. | ||
| And pretty soon, before you know it, there's a company making fucking 100 grand just for importing sand to Iraq. | ||
| And Afghanistan, which are deserts for the volleyball courts on the military bases. | ||
| They're making money, and pretty soon the private sector is making a whole shitload of money on this thing called the Iraq-Afghanistan War. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute, wait a minute. | |
| Oh, one example. | ||
| Oh, just one example. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what? | |
| They're bringing sand? | ||
| Yeah, it costs a hundred. | ||
| In one instance, for one court, it costs about a hundred grand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| To bring sand in from Kansas or wherever, from a sand farm in Kansas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A sand farm? | |
| Because you couldn't find fucking sand in Iraq for your volleyball course. | ||
| That's how the war effort works. | ||
| Oh my God, that's so stupid. | ||
| The business and everything else becomes enmeshed in this massive effort. | ||
| So before you know it, you've got a shitload of interests. | ||
| Working and making lots of money off this conflict. | ||
| Now, on top of that, you have a situation like Iraq, and he described our relationship with the Middle East and Iraq as a dysfunctional relationship, where it was kind of abusive, but we were trying to do something. | ||
| We got in there, and two years later, we're like, we can't cut and run now. | ||
| I asked him this. | ||
| I said, do you think that Pakistan knew that fucking Osama bin Laden was in that town of Arawat, which he had been in, by the way, six months before they caught him? | ||
| And he said, fuck yeah. | ||
| I said, why? | ||
| I said, why would they keep him there? | ||
| Why would they protect him? | ||
| He said, how many billions of dollars did they get from the US government for free, for finding, to find Osama bin Laden and fight the terrorism problem? | ||
| He was sitting a mile away from their West Point. | ||
| You don't think they knew where he was? | ||
| You don't think that he had been protected? | ||
| That town that he was in is the vacation spot for all of the military's elite. | ||
| It is a beautiful fucking town. | ||
| It's high up, really cool. | ||
| My buddy said it's some of the most beautiful, majestic scenery he's ever seen. | ||
| He was all through those mountains. | ||
| Yeah, it looked pretty amazing when they showed the photos of the compound. | ||
| You know what's funny about him? | ||
| He said when he was in Afghanistan. | ||
| That's a crazy conspiracy then. | ||
| It's not a conspiracy. | ||
| All those people over there, the Pakistani conspiracy, they all knew he was there and they all kept their mouths shut. | ||
| They were making billions of dollars. | ||
| From us. | ||
| To help us find Osama Bin Laden and to contain the terrorism problem in their country. | ||
| Why in the world would you give up your goose that lays the golden eggs? | ||
| Why would you give that goose up? | ||
| Why? | ||
| So how'd they spread the money around to keep everybody quiet? | ||
| Because there was also a big bounty on Osama Bin Laden's head. | ||
| Well, $25 million. | ||
| So to individuals. | ||
| But for individuals, how is that not like something worth them stepping out for? | ||
| First of all, we all knew, our military intelligence elite knew that that was probably what was going on. | ||
| We knew the Pakistanis were shielding them. | ||
| The way we found them, you know how we found them, was through DNA. Every time that we would, they would take DNA samples. | ||
| They would take DNA samples from his family members. | ||
| That was one of the ways. | ||
| And they would just track those, they would try to, they basically, they would track And then they knew who his courier was. | ||
| And they basically, I believe, it's a great story and I can't remember all the details, but when somebody would go to a hospital who was part of that family and they get a checkup or something, they would take a DNA sample. | ||
| And they would find, and I guess they just kind of tracked wherever his DNA was, you know, whoever he was related to. | ||
| They knew he had to be around relatives of some kind. | ||
| And somehow they drew a, you know, they had all these ingenious ways of actually finding him. | ||
| It's amazing that the Pakistanis, if they did have him there, were able to keep that secret so well for so long. | ||
| He was in the town where all the elite, political and military elite, vacation. | ||
| They have vacation homes there. | ||
| He was there. | ||
| What a surprise! | ||
| It's amazing, though. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| It's amazing that they were able to step away from that $25 million reward or whatever the hell it was and keep their mouth shut. | ||
| Because there was so much more money. | ||
| Right, but for individuals, it wasn't. | ||
| How many do you think the individuals are making more than $25 million? | ||
| How does that $25 million spread around? | ||
| First of all, if you were a guy... | ||
| Who gave him up? | ||
| If you were a guy... | ||
| Well, they found him. | ||
| They found him by his DNA. They tracked him through his courier. | ||
| They tracked him through his chauffeur, I believe. | ||
| But I don't know how they found him. | ||
| Do you buy the 100% of the story? | ||
| It seems kind of wonky. | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| Do you buy the Death at Sea? | ||
| Yeah, I buy all of it. | ||
| And the reason I buy all of it is there are so many people in that room that watch that shit go down. | ||
| Try keeping it a secret in Washington. | ||
| Try. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| Pretty easy to keep a secret in Pakistan. | ||
| So I guess the Pakistanis have better intelligence. | ||
| Very different system of government. | ||
| And a better system. | ||
| And a clannish group. | ||
| Oh, those motherfuckers aren't playing around. | ||
| Oh, and by the way, if you think there's any profit in giving up where he is, and you're going to give the Americans... | ||
| Think about the guy who gets the $25 million. | ||
| You think he's going to be able to hang out in Pakistan with that money? | ||
| With that intelligence service? | ||
| The ISI? Well, he could be living in Miami then. | ||
| You're not going to fucking... | ||
| You're dead. | ||
| $25 million in Miami. | ||
| You can get a nice condo. | ||
| You're fucking dead. | ||
| Spend the rest on security. | ||
| Hit the clubs every night. | ||
| And you know what else? | ||
| Most people knew that you're not going to get that $25 million. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How are you going to collect it? | ||
| They're probably going to shoot you in the head. | ||
| How are you going to collect it? | ||
| Here's your money, stupid. | ||
| Why didn't you tell us yesterday? | ||
| Yeah, you're not going to collect that money. | ||
| Could have saved American lives. | ||
| Who do I go to? | ||
| Where's my reward? | ||
| Who do I go to with the U.S. government? | ||
| By the way, they'd be like, see you later. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| What do you think about the story that he used someone as a human shield, one of his wives or something crazy? | ||
| No, I think what happened probably was that they were afraid. | ||
| First of all, I think they probably had to shoot to kill orders. | ||
| But I also think that stuff is all weighed out and weighed beforehand. | ||
| But I also think when a SEAL team like that comes in, probably, the danger and the worry is that he's got explosives on him. | ||
| He's going to blow himself up. | ||
| So you don't take a chance. | ||
| So the standard operating procedure is put a bullet in his fucking head. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| So they don't even try to take him? | ||
| No, I don't think that was ever the idea. | ||
| If somehow they could take him, it would have been maybe, you know. | ||
| But there was more profit in just getting rid of him fucking. | ||
| And what they did is they took a picture of his face. | ||
| They ran it through that facial recognition technology. | ||
| They took a picture, sent it back to the White House. | ||
| This is after they put a hole in his head. | ||
| Yeah, they were all watching it. | ||
| They were all watching it. | ||
| They were watching it on a screen. | ||
| Biden, Hillary Clinton. | ||
| You can see the picture. | ||
| And then some faceless CIA guys in the back. | ||
| They didn't show their faces. | ||
| But they were watching that. | ||
| That was high stakes. | ||
| Obama had to go away for the weekend. | ||
| They knew where he was. | ||
| He had to go away for the weekend. | ||
| And he deserves credit. | ||
| He had to go away for the weekend. | ||
| And the decision was the president's. | ||
| Do we go in? | ||
| We know where he is. | ||
| They didn't know it was Osama Bin Laden. | ||
| They knew there was a very high-value target there. | ||
| They knew that one of their ace of spades or whatever they call it was there. | ||
| And it was probably Osama Bin Laden. | ||
| And Obama had to go home alone and make the decision of whether or not to risk American lives to go in there and do it. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| A bunch of, from that Bill Hicks joke, the industrialists in a smoke-filled room sucking their cigars. | ||
| Here's your agenda. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The problem is that great book, The Black Swan, you can never control anything. | ||
| There's always the unforeseen that happens. | ||
| Does the photo get out, you think? | ||
| You think the photo ever gets out? | ||
| I think it's definitely classified. | ||
| It's somewhere though still. | ||
| They're holding on to that. | ||
| So it could somehow or another get out. | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was a bit of a mistake and they said they are going to release it eventually. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was a bit of a mistake for conspiracy theorists because what happens is if you don't show his body and you bury him at sea because nobody else is going to take it. | ||
| You know when they're going to release it? | ||
| No. | ||
| When Photoshop 16 comes out because it's going to be indetectable. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Photoshop 16 is going to be the new shit. | ||
| It's going to be pre-installed on your iPhone too. | ||
| That's when they're going to release it when reality is indiscernible. | ||
| Osama Bin Laden, when he met the SEAL Team 6 that did the job, he never asked any of them who the actual shooter was. | ||
| They never said it. | ||
| He just shook all their hands and thanked them. | ||
| You mean Obama. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You said Osama Bin Laden. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Sorry about that, everybody. | ||
| Which one's going to shoot me? | ||
| Let me just shake all your hands. | ||
| Wait a minute, no. | ||
| Barack Obama, actually, when he met them and congratulated them on their mission, he never asked any of them. | ||
| He never asked who the actual shooter was. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they probably wouldn't tell you. | ||
| I think it's like protocol to go to that with your grave, only they know and all that, you know. | ||
| Now, when, and then there was the other big conspiracy theory that I thought was pretty silly, where there was a crash, you know, a bunch of SEAL Team 6 guys died in a helicopter, and they're like, this is a cover-up because of Osama bin Laden. | ||
| Like, it wasn't even the same guys. | ||
| No. | ||
| Wasn't even the same guys. | ||
| The people were like, but still. | ||
| Conspiracy theories are really hard to pull off. | ||
| It's really hard to organize all that. | ||
| Well, it sounds like that's not the case in Pakistan. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| They had a real legitimate conspiracy going on in Pakistan for a long period of time. | ||
| I don't know that it was so much conspiracy. | ||
| They just are very good at control. | ||
| If you cross the I, what is it called? | ||
| The intern services. | ||
| Well, that's conspiring. | ||
| They conspired to keep a secret. | ||
| They'll fucking kill you. | ||
| It's amazing, though, that they did that for so long. | ||
| How long do you think he lived in that spot? | ||
| Well, since 2011, so a long time, I think. | ||
| Well, what about all those stories that he was on dialysis, that he was going to, you know, he had probably been dead for years, and this was all horseshit. | ||
| Did you ever hear those? | ||
| Yeah, I knew that he, there was a fact that he had to get dialysis, I believe. | ||
| I believe he had an issue with his kidneys and stuff like that, which is one of the ways they wanted to find him. | ||
| He was, I guess, in Waziristan for a while. | ||
| Where they said they thought he was, he actually had been. | ||
| And most of the high-ranking military and intelligence officials would always say he's probably somewhere in Pakistan. | ||
| But they thought he wasn't in Arawat. | ||
| They didn't expect him to be a mile away from their West Point. | ||
| They didn't expect that. | ||
| They thought he was in Waziristan, that lawless region where my buddy, who's the CIA guy, I actually talk about on my podcast, the dude was in the fucking hills with a couple of the guys. | ||
| And I said, what happens when you get caught? | ||
| He goes, you don't get caught, dude. | ||
| And I said, what do you mean? | ||
| He goes, you're not letting them catch you. | ||
| I said, so what is the alternative? | ||
| He goes, you got enough ammo, you shoot it, and then you save one bullet for yourself. | ||
| And I went, I went, really? | ||
| He goes, you don't want to get caught by those guys. | ||
| You don't want to get caught by Afghanis or those Pashtuns. | ||
| They will fuck you up. | ||
| You shoot yourself. | ||
| I was like, that's where my buddy lives. | ||
| I was like, that's living on the edge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| He's a real, he's always been the baddest dude I know. | ||
| He's always been the baddest motherfucker on the planet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus fucking Christ. | |
| He's such a badass. | ||
| And you would never know it. | ||
| He's the guy who used to fight four guys just to open up on you. | ||
| He would fight four guys? | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Why would he do that? | ||
| Four marines. | ||
| Take his jacket off. | ||
| I want to fight these guys. | ||
| For no reason? | ||
| No. | ||
| These fucking guys were chasing them. | ||
| My buddy told me the story. | ||
| He didn't tell me the story. | ||
| My buddy said he stopped. | ||
| They were running down an alley, four guys, and he goes, I'm going to fight him. | ||
| My buddy goes, what? | ||
| He goes, I'm going to fight him. | ||
| I want to see if I can fight him. | ||
| My buddy goes, don't do that, dude. | ||
| Please don't do that. | ||
| He goes, nah, I'm going to do it. | ||
| He took his jacket off and he fought him. | ||
| Just fucking started swinging and kicking, but he was a really, really, really good fighter and could hit like a heavyweight and fucking did just fine. | ||
| His buddy had to sit there and fight now, but those guys were like, why am I getting hit like this? | ||
| Why am I getting fucking kicked and hit and wheel kicked in my head? | ||
| Pretty wild. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that have lived some pretty fucking intense lives. | ||
| He loved danger. | ||
| He was really good in the violent spaces. | ||
| He told me it was the only time he fell alive. | ||
| It's funny when we talk about David Blaine, this desire to try to push the envelope of what a human being can do with holding his breath or with ice. | ||
| We had talked about it on the podcast before, this David Goggins guy who's one of those Iron Man guys. | ||
| You ever seen him before? | ||
| He's got a bunch of videos online. | ||
| He engages in 48-hour races. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Where they run for 48 hours straight on a track and people monitor them to one mile track. | ||
| Human beings are the best long distance animals on the planet. | ||
| Persistence hunting would kill certain animals in Africa. | ||
| But these people that are trying to push the limits. | ||
| It takes a long time to build up to it. | ||
| An interesting thing that happens with a lot of young MMA fighters is they kind of underestimate the kind of conditioning that's required to To be a five-round fighter and how intense and how much is involved, how long the process is to build your body into a body that can withstand work for 25 minutes in an octagon. | ||
| That's an eon. | ||
| Anybody who's wrestled, which I did, six minutes is a fucking eternity. | ||
| 25 minutes is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| It's insanity. | ||
| It's the amount of... | ||
| Exertion that your body has to go through. | ||
| It takes a long fucking time to build up to it. | ||
| And a lot of guys suffer from overtraining in the beginning of their career because their body's simply not conditioned to be able to handle that kind of work rate. | ||
| It's just not. | ||
| Especially when it comes to a lot of kickboxers who go into MMA, they have no idea how difficult the wrestling aspect of it and how much more it takes out of you. | ||
| And they almost always gasp when the fights turn into wrestling matches initially. | ||
| Like a lot of the I mean, people really don't respect MMA fighters enough as far as the amount of discipline that it's required to be in condition to fight a full five-round MMA fight, or even a three-round fight. | ||
| My experience with that was I was on a date in my house. | ||
| I remember I had my two pit bulls, Piggy. | ||
| I'm sorry, Piggy was my pit bull and Stella was my German Shepherd, my police German Shepherd, my fucking working class German German Shepherd, a fucking wolf. | ||
| And they locked onto each other. | ||
| And it wasn't that I didn't want them to kill each other. | ||
| I was just seeing vet bills. | ||
| I was just seeing $1,000 here as they were ripping into each other. | ||
| And I was on my front lawn wrestling with these two dogs and choking one out, then the other one would fall asleep and then the other one would get a hold of the other one, then I'd choke that one out and went back and forth as I'm trying to break them up. | ||
| I kept choking each fucking dog out and I was so furious. | ||
| And when my buddy Bob came home and jumped into the yard and jumped on both dogs and put his knees on both their heads and just held them there, and finally they let go from exhaustion, I was so exhausted. | ||
| I don't even know how long I was there. | ||
| I was like 15 minutes fighting with two dogs. | ||
| I remember crawling up in the corner in my yard. | ||
| I crawled up in a corner, and I was like breathing like I've never, like from wrestling, all that shit, there's no comparison because I was literally- Fighting for you. | ||
| I was fighting for my life and I was going, and I was on a date. | ||
| I didn't even have time to look cool. | ||
| I was going, and my hands, I didn't realize my own hands for fucking a week after that I had trouble closing and opening my hands because I had torn all the muscles in my hands from trying to pull them apart. | ||
| And imagine you weren't even engaged in combat with them. | ||
| You were trying to stop them. | ||
| What if one of them was trying to kill you? | ||
| Well, that's like this book, Extreme Fear, where the woman gets in a fight with a mountain lion. | ||
| This female mountain lion stalked her and tried to kill her. | ||
| And she ended up just fucking... | ||
| She took this... | ||
| Some kind of like a knife or something, a spike, and was sticking it in its eye. | ||
| And she just turned... | ||
| Her fear turned to fury, and she started fighting back. | ||
| But, you know, she was fucking... | ||
| When you get in a fight with a real animal, you're done. | ||
| We're so fleshy. | ||
| You're food. | ||
| They're predators. | ||
| You're food. | ||
| Our skin's made of toilet paper, whereas theirs is made of leather. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Like deer have leather. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Like deer skin. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| They make shoes out of it, man. | ||
| Their skin is so tough. | ||
| Nobody makes skin out of human shoes. | ||
| No, they take down elk. | ||
| So go try to bite it. | ||
| With their face! | ||
| Try biting an elk to death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They grab it with their claws and they bite it with their face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good luck measuring up to that. | ||
| Go kill a deer with your face. | ||
| That's what I say about great whites. | ||
| I go, try biting a seal to death. | ||
| It'll bite it on a flipper. | ||
| It'll fucking be like, get the fuck off me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's my argument was to those people when I lived in Colorado when I was saying you should kill these fucking things. | ||
| And people were so angry at me after one of them killed my dog. | ||
| That really did happen. | ||
| Like, I was telling them, like, why do you allow mountain lions to stick around? | ||
| Well, you know, hey, they're a part of nature, and, you know, they're here, too. | ||
| I go, if there was a guy running around that could kill a deer with his face, and occasionally he would eat dogs, wouldn't you want him in jail? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, this is way scarier than a guy that could do it, you stupid fuck. | ||
| This is an animal, and they fuck, and they make a bunch of other animals just like it. | ||
| And then they live in the woods, and they eat dogs. | ||
| And people, too. | ||
| Whatever there. | ||
| They've had, I think, six to eight mountain lion attacks. | ||
| But I love mountain lions. | ||
| It doesn't mean you want to kill mountain lions. | ||
| You've just got to be aware of where they are. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Kill them. | ||
| Light them up. | ||
| Fuck those mountain lions. | ||
| No, you don't want to kill an apex predator. | ||
| Get rid of them. | ||
| Get them out. | ||
| The joke I did in my special. | ||
| What the hell are you talking about? | ||
| I'm pro-mountain lion, you bastard. | ||
| What I was saying was the argument that I got in with the guy, and this is actually in my act, but it is true. | ||
| The guy told me that we needed him to keep the deer population down. | ||
| And I said, do you know the deer are not bulletproof and they're made out of food? | ||
| Stupid fuck. | ||
| It was a real conversation. | ||
| I was like, this is the dumbest conversation ever. | ||
| You need wild monsters running through the woods to eat up all the extra food. | ||
| It's an interesting thing. | ||
| It's an interesting question because I personally think all animals like that, like tigers and lions, should all be preserved just for the sake of how beautiful they are. | ||
| I believe everything in other continents. | ||
| Just not where I live. | ||
| Nothing that can swim across the ocean and jack you. | ||
| I'm not even big on leopards who live in Mexico and are making it across the border. | ||
| Is it jaguars? | ||
| Jaguars. | ||
| Jaguars are way more dangerous than a leopard. | ||
| They're much bigger. | ||
| They're big. | ||
| And they are not afraid of people. | ||
| They will kill a human being. | ||
| They eat people. | ||
| You don't have a chance against a jag. | ||
| Not a chance. | ||
| It's in the Amazon when people take ayahuasca, you know, that crazy jungle intoxicant. | ||
| One of the things, the visions that they see is jaguars. | ||
| Like a constant bunch of jaguars watching them and jaguars communicating with them. | ||
| Dude, my buddy told me a story of this guy who's a CIA guy. | ||
| Told me a story that in the Congo or somewhere in Africa, this dude decided he wanted... | ||
| He was like an embassy guy. | ||
| He just wanted to be part of the culture. | ||
| And he went to this African tribe and he drank some tea that they gave him. | ||
| And all of a sudden, he fucking starts hallucinating. | ||
| And he runs off with his cell phone naked. | ||
| And he decided that they were trying to eat him. | ||
| Which... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he goes, these people are trying to eat me. | ||
| And they had to send this huge search and park rescue team out to the middle of the fucking Congo and track him down with his cell phone and find him. | ||
| And it was this massive operation. | ||
| They found him. | ||
| He was eaten to shreds by bugs, cut up by thorns, all fucked up. | ||
| Had to go to the hospital. | ||
| He was there like three days, like running through the forest away from what he thought were people trying to eat him because of this fucking hallucinogenic T. Meanwhile, there were probably like really sweet African people, you know, who were... | ||
| Who had degrees and shit. | ||
| Or maybe they were trying to eat him. | ||
| Or maybe they were trying to eat him. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| Maybe he just came to grips with a lot of people eating people in parts of the world. | ||
| Actually, ever meet Africans in this country? | ||
| They all have like six degrees. | ||
| Like Nigerians? | ||
| Find me a Nigerian who doesn't have at least his masters. | ||
| Every single time. | ||
| Yes, well, I have my degree in all kinds of things in mechanical engineering and my doctorate in... | ||
| Imagine if the whole world was like Africa. | ||
| I talked to my buddy about Africa, who is the CIA. I shouldn't even say CIA. Let's just say he's whatever. | ||
| He said he's really optimistic about Africa and not optimistic about the Middle East. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So optimistic about the progress of Liberia, not about Afghanistan? | ||
| Yeah, very much. | ||
| Because Africa actually, in a lot of ways, has... | ||
| It has come to terms through these terrible wars with a lot of their civil strife, their tribal strife. | ||
| And what's the big thing? | ||
| And their mineral issues. | ||
| A lot of these wars in Liberia and Sierra Leone was fighting over... | ||
| Resources? | ||
| Diamonds. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The diamond mines. | ||
| And the material in the Congo, the material that goes into cell phones. | ||
| That's really where these warring factions... | ||
| But also, they're solving a lot of their political problems. | ||
| I mean, a lot of these, a lot of African states were dictatorships, just like in South America. | ||
| So he thinks that they can be worked out, but why? | ||
| They are being worked out. | ||
| Why not the Middle East? | ||
| The Middle East, mainly because the Middle East is, there are a couple reasons. | ||
| One is, and one of the things he brought up was very interesting, he said, the notion that you can separate Islam from Democracy. | ||
| One of the tenets that we have is the separation of church and state. | ||
| The Quran is a blueprint for how to run a society, even how to manage your banking laws and things. | ||
| It's very difficult to separate Islam from state-run affairs. | ||
| Traditionally, in the Middle East, the only way you did do that was by imposing an iron fist, the way Saddam Hussein did, the way countless Arab dictators did. | ||
| That's one of the issues. | ||
| But the other issue is the Sunni-Shia rivalries that are constantly playing out now, not just in Bahrain, but in Syria and a lot of different parts, and certainly in Iraq. | ||
| And the only way to control that is one side's got to have more guns than the other side. | ||
| And I have a different point of view, by the way, which is that I think commerce ultimately, when commerce comes to these countries, which it is, I think people are going to have a lot more to lose. | ||
| I think economic Economic prosperity. | ||
| Equality. | ||
| Yeah, economic prosperity, equality, and technology, I hope for the Middle East is going to make it a better place to live for the people there. | ||
| But I do think that if you look at, for example, Egypt now, Egypt has, if you look at who's running for election, they have essentially hardline Islamists who are going to impose, you know, or the worry is that they're going to impose... | ||
| Well, Sharia or something like that, that's certainly not very democratic. | ||
| So, you know, but did you want to go back to Mubarak's reign? | ||
| How do they stop that? | ||
| How is that going to be stopped? | ||
| You think it's only money that's going to be able to stop it? | ||
| I think what happens with all countries, look, you don't have to stop at time. | ||
| What happens is take a look at what happened in Europe. | ||
| Take a look at what happened in Central America. | ||
| These are democracies, imperfect democracies, but they're certainly not military dictatorships. | ||
| Do you think there's a real possibility? | ||
| Even in China, China is learning that basically democracy is an inevitable thing that they have to come to terms with. | ||
| And when I say democracy, I mean a government that listens to its people. | ||
| How do you keep people ignorant when they have access to the internet? | ||
| You don't. | ||
| Human beings now have access to real information and the truth of what's really going on. | ||
| And more importantly, they can see how other countries are living. | ||
| It's very difficult to control and have power over a people when they know the truth. | ||
| And one of the most unique things about what's going on in the Middle East today is that these uprisings These are uprisings that are happening organically from within the population. | ||
| They are not being manipulated by an imperialistic power. | ||
| They're not being manipulated by another Arab country. | ||
| These are homegrown, grassroots rebellions. | ||
| That are very difficult to ignore. | ||
| And the people that are doing it are young people who just want a better life. | ||
| And I can tell you right now that if these theocracies, if they vote in these Islamists and they don't see results, you're going to see more rebellion. | ||
| And so I think that whether or not these countries are Islamist, they're going to have to listen to their populations and they're going to have to respect individual freedoms. | ||
| That's my belief. | ||
| That's my hope anyway. | ||
| I may be naive. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's a good hope. | ||
| The idea is a beautiful idea that eventually we're all going to come to some sort of a utopian system of government that we're all going to accept because it's all going to be the will of the people. | ||
| It's just the will of the people in this country is slowly being choked and all the provisions provided by the Constitution are slowly being choked out I agree with you. | ||
| In government, the biggest problem is I think a lot of governments, and I'm talking about municipal governments, state governments, well, they're becoming more concerned with their own employees and the people they're trying to serve. | ||
| They want to keep jobs going, so they want to keep laws in place, because if there's no one to arrest for anything, then there's no need for that job. | ||
| There's a lot of people in the DEA, a lot of people in drug enforcement that are actively lobbying to keep certain really non-lethal, non-dangerous drugs and keep them illegal because they want to have people to arrest for things. | ||
| And then you have the problem with private prisons. | ||
| There's so many different fucking problems! | ||
| Well, anytime somebody has a vested interest in something, they're going to try to protect that interest, regardless of whether they're a good person or a bad person. | ||
| We have a vested interest in marijuana. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We're trying to protect that marijuana. | ||
| I'm going to have to run. | ||
| We're going to have to close this thing down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's shut it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut it down! | |
| Once again, my dear friend, thanks for having me on. | ||
| Another fascinating, driven sort of a conversation into all sorts of bizarre subjects. | ||
| Love it, man. | ||
| I never have a bad time. | ||
| It's always enlightening. | ||
| Make sure you check out Brian Kylan's own podcast. | ||
| Brian Kylan has... | ||
| It's called The Brian Kylan Show. | ||
| Perfect name. | ||
| Couldn't be any better. | ||
| I feel pretentious with the Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| I got some great guests. | ||
| My Sam Brown, my buddy, is dying of cancer. | ||
| I mean, not dying, I don't want to say, but he's fucking hilarious. | ||
| He's got pancreatic cancer, and he's hilarious. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I'm going to do another one. | ||
| I got fucking Anthony Tam back, because I'm going to post soon, which was a great podcast. | ||
| The Brian Callen Show! | ||
| Yeah, baby! | ||
| Do you have music for your Brian Callen Show? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| Do you have an opening yet? | ||
| I don't, but I'm going to start coming into the studio. | ||
| Oh, go to the 10-Minute Podcast. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| 10-Minute Podcast is funny as shit. | ||
| With Chris D'Elia and Will Sassa. | ||
| Two very funny motherfuckers. | ||
| All right, that's the end of this dirty ride, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's probably the end for this week, too. | ||
| We were going to do something with a certain controversial person tomorrow, but you know what? | ||
| It's just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why even bother? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We just, uh, sorry. | ||
| There's too much crazy going on in this world at this moment. | ||
| I don't feel like jumping in a river of any more crazy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's it! | ||
| Thanks to the Fleshlight for tuning in to this, sponsoring this excursion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This weekend you're in New York, but it's already sold out, right? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's me and Duncan. | ||
| For people who come to the show who don't know who's on it, it's me and Duncan and Joey Diaz. | ||
| And it is the day before there is a UFC in New Jersey. | ||
| And we're at the Grand Ballroom. | ||
| In the Manhattan Center. | ||
| Should be a lot of fun. | ||
| I haven't been to New York in about... | ||
| It's probably been about a year. | ||
| Good times, you dirty freaks. | ||
| Thank you, again, to our sponsors, The Fleshlight. | ||
| Please go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, save yourself 15% off. | ||
| Thank you, again, to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood. | ||
| All of them, all of your questions can be answered on onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. And for people that are asking about the kettlebells, everything's going to be handled really soon. | ||
| It's just a shipping issue we're trying to work out, so we have to move everything into a different location. | ||
| So within the next couple weeks, it'll be all for sale, and we'll let you know what's going down. | ||
| A lot of cool shit's coming up. | ||
| Good protein powder, hemp protein powder, and a bunch of other stuff. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| We will see you all, like, Monday. | ||
| Kevin Smith wants to do next week. | ||
| I think I'm going to do his, though. | ||
| I think I have to do his. | ||
| I think that's how it works. | ||
| I think, you know, because he did ours last, so yeah, I've got to do his. | ||
| So I'll do that next week. | ||
| And we're going to try to get Dice next week, too. | ||
| Holla! | ||
| Yeah, we should have a bunch of fun ones coming up soon. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| Sorry about the big bummer yesterday, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Sometimes things go wrong. | ||
| We don't mean that. | ||
| and it's much more fun to have a calm and cool and interesting podcast like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the situation's been fixed if you did listen to it. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Ice House is now paying I don't have anything to do with it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have a show Friday with Sarah Tiana. | |
| There you go. | ||
| Sarah Tiana. | ||
| Make sure you tweet me that and I'll retweet that and we'll probably do one next week as well because I'm going to be back in town. | ||
| So thank you to everybody Thanks to all your messages, even your cunty ones about the little spat yesterday. | ||
| I see a lot of you have opinions and it's nice that you care. | ||
| Just try to be nice. | ||
| Try to be friendly. | ||
| Try not to be so twatty. | ||
| There's just too much twatty behavior in this world. | ||
| Don't be twatty. | ||
| So next week, which is like the 11th, we'll probably have another one at the Ice House. | ||
| So if you're planning on flying in from... | ||
| Where did people fly in from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We had people fly in from. | |
| Canada. | ||
| They were going on a comedy tour. | ||
| The Dust Squad show was the last show of the tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just wrote me just to thank me. | |
| That's the guy with the green shirt? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I gave him a tour of the studio, which I usually don't do, but he's such a nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, great guy. | ||
| What's cool about that guy, too, is that he said that he ran into me at Sal's Comedy Hole a year ago, and I told him to do comedy. | ||
| So he went and did comedy, and now he's a comedian. | ||
| He was thinking about doing it, and I was like, go fucking do it, man. | ||
| And so he listened to me, and now he's actually a comedian. | ||
| He's touring all over the country. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| Isn't it amazing how fast you can change your fucking life? | ||
| Come on, do it! | ||
| Little inspiration, you pussies! | ||
| All that fear, get in the way! | ||
| Now you gotta get rid of that fucking Prius and get a man's car. | ||
| I'm gonna do it. | ||
| I figured out anything from this podcast. | ||
| Yes, I have to get a Charger. | ||
| Is that what I have to get? | ||
| Yeah, Challenger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking Challenger. | |
| Charger's not bad, too. | ||
| Charger's got four doors pretty goddamn fast. | ||
| Excellent interior. | ||
| The SRT8 Challenger, very nice car. | ||
| So is the Charger. | ||
| Both very good cars. | ||
| And they're fucking American. | ||
| You can feel good about it. | ||
| Pull up to your dad's house in a goddamn American car. | ||
| He'll be so happy for you. | ||
| Damn right he was. | ||
| Wouldn't he be? | ||
| Yes, he would. | ||
| Son, I knew you'd come around and get off those Japanese gay cars. | ||
| My son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you don't like the penis. | |
| Alright, you dirty bitches. | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
| Thanks for everything. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| See you guys in New York. |
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