April 25, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:34:54
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| You don't film this anymore? | ||
| Oh, it is filming. | ||
| You're filming right now, buddy. | ||
| You are online, Eddie Ift. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| This is live. | ||
| I'm nervous now. | ||
| Whenever we're live, your heart skips a beat. | ||
| I start thinking. | ||
| There's people listening to this shit. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| You know all about it by now if you've tuned into this podcast. | ||
| If you don't know all about it, it looks like a flashlight, but you can fuck it. | ||
| John Heffron had the best line. | ||
| He said... | ||
| It's great. | ||
| They should incorporate it with a flashlight because nobody ever knows where the flashlight is, but everybody knows where their flashlight is. | ||
| And he's so right. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| It's a genius analysis by Mr. Heffron, a fine comedian. | ||
| Follow him on Twitter, will ya? | ||
| H-E-F-R-O-N, John Heffron, our buddy. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link for the flashlight. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN. Save yourself some money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright? | |
| How much? | ||
| 15%. | ||
| God damn, are you serious? | ||
| Yes, I am. | ||
| Go! | ||
| This is the tipping point. | ||
| It's time to make the decision! | ||
| John Heffron's been an MIA. That dude's been on the road for like 32 weeks. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He's kettlebell-ing somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, he's somewhere doing push-ups in the fucking parking lot. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| It's O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, and Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| Alpha Brain being the most famous and also the most controversial. | ||
| It is a... | ||
| Cognitive Enhancing Supplement, a nootropic. | ||
| If you go online and Google nootropic, that's N-O-O-T-R-O. You can spell the rest. | ||
| What they are is vitamins that have been shown to improve your body's ability to produce neurotransmitters. | ||
| They don't make you smart if you're stupid, but they do enhance the way your brain works. | ||
| I use them, I believe in them, and we have a 100% money back guarantee on your first order. | ||
| If you order 30 pills and you don't like it, you don't even have to return the product. | ||
| We're not trying to rip anybody off. | ||
| This is all stuff that before we were selling any of this, I used all of it. | ||
| And I used all of it because it works. | ||
| I'm a big believer in vitamins and supplements, and I'm a big believer in that what you take into your body affects the way your brain works, for sure. | ||
| I got pussy brain, Joe. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Just taking a lot of pussy into your body? | ||
| How are you doing that? | ||
| Really long wits. | ||
| There's something creepy about saying eating pussy. | ||
| I'm thinking of chewing and swallowing. | ||
| A girl can suck a cock, and that's totally right. | ||
| But when you're eating pussy, it just sounds like you're chewing. | ||
| Especially when it's a fat guy, and you think of him being hungry, and he's eating pussy, and you think he's just going to take a bite out of it. | ||
| I wonder if you really ate pussy if it was the most delicious piece of meat in the human body. | ||
| Well, it's probably pretty tender, right? | ||
| It's probably seasoned. | ||
| You'd have to make sure you didn't cook it very fast. | ||
| It'd be like salt and vinegar potato chips. | ||
| You'd have to be like a searing. | ||
| Yeah, you'd just black and blue it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I found out about blue steaks this weekend in Atlanta for the first time. | ||
| We were at a restaurant, and that was rare, and then it said blue. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck is blue? | ||
| So this is the coolest shit ever. | ||
| I tweet Anthony Bourdain, and Anthony Bourdain tweets me the answer. | ||
| I'm like, how great is this world? | ||
| This world that we live in, yeah. | ||
| What was the steak place? | ||
| It was a place in the Four Seasons in Atlanta. | ||
| I don't remember the name of it. | ||
| I know it. | ||
| Or no, wait. | ||
| Is it Chopped? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| But it was really good. | ||
| There's a place in Atlanta you've got to be a member to get in. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And it's got, like, the restaurant, but then there's a member's room. | ||
| It's the best steak I've ever had in my whole life. | ||
| Anyway, this is the end of the commercial. | ||
| We always do this. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| No, don't apologize. | ||
| This is every single week. | ||
| We do it. | ||
| The guests do it. | ||
| We try not to make our commercials too commercially, and in the process they become conversations about shit sometimes, like eating pussy and the best steak in Atlanta. | ||
| But I still want to take the product now. | ||
| It's good stuff. | ||
| I'll get it for you. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| Go check it out. | ||
| And again, if you order something, you don't like it, You don't have to even return the product. | ||
| We are absolutely not trying to rip anybody off. | ||
| Everything we're selling is the highest level ingredients that are possible to acquire. | ||
| It's the best stuff we know how to make. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| I use it. | ||
| Go check it out, onnit.com. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN, and you get yourself 10% off any and all orders, not just the first one. | ||
| All right, you dirty fucking bitches. | ||
| Check it out! | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Nick Diaz will always be the greatest shout out. | ||
| The Rory McDonald one, people were criticizing it. | ||
| I'm like, you're crazy, bitch. | ||
| That's Rory McDonald talking about my podcast. | ||
| That must stay in. | ||
| But Nick Diaz just nailed it. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast. | ||
| I always wondered who that was. | ||
| That's Nick motherfucking Diaz, dude. | ||
| My favorite fighter to ever test positive for weed. | ||
|
unidentified
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What a good guy. | |
| Wait, they test for weed? | ||
| Fucking so stupid. | ||
| Not only that, he didn't even really test positive for weed. | ||
| He tested positive for an inactive metabolite. | ||
| It's not a psychoactive. | ||
| It's evidence that some cannabis has been in this system, but it's not evidence of marijuana. | ||
| It's evidence of an inactive metabolite. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| So you could have taken this inactive metabolite, which isn't even prevented or prohibited by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. | ||
| So it didn't matter? | ||
| Because it's also, besides the possibility of taking it that way, you can also get it from... | ||
|
unidentified
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Mask it. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| You can get it from marijuana. | ||
| It's not a masking issue. | ||
| I think it's a flushing issue. | ||
| I don't think you can mask marijuana. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure out there there's someone that can tell me wrong. | ||
| But I'm saying, why would that... | ||
| That's not a performance-enhancing drug. | ||
| Well, it's somehow or another what they're saying, I believe, if I understand the legal language, I think what they're saying is that the metabolite shows that he has had it in his system. | ||
| But what's really crazy is it's so stupid because they know he's a patient. | ||
| He's a medical marijuana patient in California. | ||
| And if you don't know that Nick Diaz smokes weed, Jesus Christ, are you paying attention at all? | ||
| You don't know he smokes weed. | ||
| So what? | ||
| It's okay if he stops 13 days, but not 12. 11 days, but not 10. 9 days, but not 8. Shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's fucking stupid. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because what you're talking about is not him being high inside the octagon. | ||
| The psychoactive effects of marijuana don't exist when he's in that octagon with those levels. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| So he's 100% sober. | ||
| That should be the question. | ||
| You know he was taking it before that because he's got a card. | ||
| So when is it... | ||
| Where's this logical cutoff? | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Like... | ||
| The HGH thing, you know, the NFL's trying to... | ||
| Good luck! | ||
| Yeah, it's so fucking crazy. | ||
| I've been reading so much about it because I do a podcast called WODcast about CrossFit. | ||
| Oh, do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A CrossFit place just opened up like 10 miles away from me. | ||
| They're opening in fucking bathrooms at Starbucks. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| But they... | ||
| They say they tested the games, and like 68,000 people tried out for the games this year. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And these guys, like if you look at the guys that are the top CrossFitters, some people say they don't use, some people say they could. | ||
| I'm not here to say if they do or don't, but they're doing like four and five workouts a day. | ||
| They're just insane. | ||
| They're inhuman. | ||
| And just the recovery rate, I'm looking at going fucking HGH would be amazing. | ||
| But when they test, they test the same way the NFL does, which you can't catch it in a urine test. | ||
| Only like one time in the world has anyone gotten caught in an HGH urine test. | ||
| It was like a rugby player in the UK. Oh, at one time? | ||
| One time in a urine test. | ||
| What, did they have like crazy levels or something? | ||
| Yeah, something was wrong. | ||
| Something was just completely wacky. | ||
| But so they have this new system that they think they're going to be able to test. | ||
| But we had Sean Waxman, who is the Olympic weightlifting co. | ||
| He's got Waxman's gym down by the airport. | ||
| We had him on the other day and he was talking about how... | ||
| It's more of like a money-making thing. | ||
| There's money being made in the testing world. | ||
| So there's like lobbying being done. | ||
| To make more testing so they can get more money. | ||
| To make more testing so they can make more money because it's just this ridiculous. | ||
| I'm a firm believer. | ||
| Why would you prevent people from enhancing themselves? | ||
| You let people take protein supplements. | ||
| That's coming from a cow. | ||
| We're taking the whey from a cow and we're eating it to make ourselves better. | ||
| Why can't we take the growth hormone from a cadaver and use that? | ||
| We don't do that, first of all. | ||
| We don't do that. | ||
| Because if you did do that, by the way, you can get really sick. | ||
| And you can get fucking mad cow disease, what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| You can get all sorts of crazy diseases. | ||
| It's a synthetic, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's actually made by bacteria. | ||
| It is bacteria? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Bacteria constructed it. | ||
| Well, but it's, so it's anything that's simulated. | ||
| It's an amazing process that you and I would never figure out. | ||
| Given a billion years and all the books in the world, you and I would still be sitting around telling fart jokes. | ||
| We would never figure out how to make... | ||
| You'd be a lot further ahead than I would. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hormones? | |
| Out of bacteria? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Fuck it, I can't figure out how a toilet works. | ||
| Isn't it amazing how some people's minds just can do that? | ||
| It's a variation in the way the human mind works. | ||
| It's so spectacular. | ||
| I tried to figure out. | ||
| I was watching the way they're testing to figure out how the human growth hormone, the way they've got this thing that locks onto it so that they can test. | ||
| And I was watching over and over trying to comprehend it. | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| I'm like, I'm a fucking retard. | ||
| I can't get this in my head. | ||
| Rick Ross would have figured it out. | ||
| He probably would have, man. | ||
| The real Rick Ross that we had on yesterday. | ||
| Genius guy. | ||
| The drug dealer. | ||
| Yeah, until he was 28 years old, he couldn't read. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, amazing story. | ||
| Not only did he teach himself how to read, but he also taught himself the law and found loopholes in the law. | ||
| So he went from being like, can't even read a book, Jack and Jill, to fucking getting himself out of a life term in prison. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was one of the most amazing, I think the best podcast, just the story-wise. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| It was just amazing. | ||
| And then some rappers kind of stole his identity. | ||
| One rapper stole his identity. | ||
| That would piss me off. | ||
| Yeah, you'd think? | ||
| I mean, they thought he was going to be in jail for life is what it was. | ||
| He was a legend out on the street. | ||
| Like, you know, I had heard his name. | ||
| So who's making more money? | ||
| The rapper? | ||
| I heard his name when I was living in LA. I wasn't even living in LA, rather, when I heard his name. | ||
| Like he was that legendary? | ||
| Oh yeah, he was legendary as far as like drug dealers in this country. | ||
| You would hear about him in the news stores and stuff when his trial was going on. | ||
| So a huge, huge deal. | ||
| Nationwide, it was a huge deal. | ||
| How'd you guys find him? | ||
| He's pretty public now. | ||
|
unidentified
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Twitter? | |
| It was at Rick Ross. | ||
| Or did the rapper have that? | ||
| No, he's Freeway Ricky on Twitter. | ||
| That's what his nickname was, Freeway Ricky Ross. | ||
| It's really interesting to see this guy who was 20 years old in this terrible situation and sort of just kind of found his way through the system to success. | ||
| And then it all came falling apart, and then he built himself back up again. | ||
| And now he's like a really cool dude. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Really intense, intense story. | ||
| Is he pissed off about the guy stealing his identity? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he should be. | ||
| Well, we can't talk about it. | ||
| There's part of it that we can't talk about for legal issues, so we'll drop it right there. | ||
| There's a guy in Australia. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Chopper. | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| I love that fucking movie. | ||
| That's Eric Bana, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking amazing. | ||
| What a crazy movie. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| And it's supposedly all true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, this guy, if you haven't seen the film, the guy got thrown in prison. | ||
| He was like a hitman kind of for drug dealers. | ||
| He gets thrown in prison and they're going to send him to the wing of the prison where the guys that want to kill him are. | ||
| So instead of going there, he cut his own ears off so that they put him in the crazy ward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now he's got these fucked up ears. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| Jesus, dude. | ||
| But he's this crazy legendary Australian that people kind of like... | ||
| He's like a folk hero almost. | ||
| But there's a guy now... | ||
| Pardon the fuck up. | ||
| There's a guy who does a parody of him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And does a comedy show and tours to sold out shows everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, whoa. | |
| And I just did his show. | ||
| He does a show where he hosts it. | ||
| I did the Adelaide Comedy Festival and I did his show. | ||
| It's a late night. | ||
| Heath Franklin is the guy. | ||
| He plays Chopper and he's in character doing stand-up and it's good. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It's good stand-up and then he's doing it as Chopper and every joke is about like misogyny and fucking harden the fuck up and he's got the mustache on and the sunglasses. | ||
| And I said afterwards, because I had heard rumors, I said, has he ever contacted you? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Apparently he's not very happy. | ||
| I go, Why would you fuck with a guy like that? | ||
|
unidentified
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Jesus Christ. | |
| This is the guy who will come in your house. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's fucking crazy. | |
| If you watch that movie, by the way, if you haven't seen it, it's a great movie. | ||
| A really fun movie. | ||
| It's like you're rooting for this psychopath for some reason. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| Australia makes great fucking crime films like that. | ||
| They had a movie called Animal House. | ||
| Watch Animal House about this family. | ||
| Oh, I have that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| So explain how he gets to do that, if Chopper's still alive. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I said, do you have to pay him a commission? | ||
| He doesn't? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| And he tours and sells out shows everywhere. | ||
| That seems crazy. | ||
| That seems crazy. | ||
| That seems like you're asking for trouble. | ||
| You should give that guy a piece. | ||
| Well, I mean, I guess it's kind of the same. | ||
| Well, I mean, it's like guys that do impressions. | ||
| I mean, that's the way he does it, but it's a full... | ||
| That's not an impression. | ||
| That's why I'm just going to change my name to Louie Anderson if I have to do anything. | ||
| You don't think Louie will come down hard on you, son? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
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Louie will hire some material designers to beat the shit out of you. | |
| Louie will come down hard on your son. | ||
| Oh, ouchie, ouchie. | ||
|
unidentified
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Both of you. | |
| What are you saying and why are you saying it on the internet? | ||
| What? | ||
| He likes spanking him. | ||
| I always get nervous on your show because your fans are so diligent about facts. | ||
| Oh, they're too brutal. | ||
| They're brutal. | ||
| I love catching you. | ||
| I'll get Twitters. | ||
| Last time I was here, I was talking about grass-fed meat. | ||
| Somebody's like, pigs can't be grass-fed. | ||
| They get sunburned. | ||
| They do? | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| I bet they do, if you think about it. | ||
| Those pink pigs. | ||
| He's like, so they have to be under so they can't be eating grass all the time. | ||
| That totally makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, I would think. | ||
| Were they real pink like that? | ||
| What kind of protection from the sun is that? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| They'd probably get all fucked up. | ||
| Imagine rubbing suntan lotion all over a cow. | ||
| Yeah, a pig, man. | ||
| A pig, not a cow. | ||
| Pigs are so weird because pigs are the only animal that we know of that becomes feral, meaning it becomes wild, almost immediately from the release from a farm. | ||
| And it actually physically changes shape. | ||
| It's real weird. | ||
| Their fur changes, it becomes darker and thicker and bushier, and their tusks grow longer, and their snout actually grows longer. | ||
| Maybe that's how they should naturally be. | ||
| But it's so weird, though, that why doesn't that happen when they're domesticated? | ||
| Because they're probably feeding them shitty food. | ||
| I don't know if that's it, man. | ||
| Somebody told me what's the best way to get rid of a body. | ||
| Pigs. | ||
| The movie Snatch. | ||
| Oh, did they do it in Snatch? | ||
| Yeah, remember the guy who keeps pigs? | ||
| Yeah, that guy was a great actor with those huge super coke pile glasses. | ||
| That guy was the shit. | ||
| Wasn't it in The Sopranos also? | ||
| Or am I just thinking Snatch? | ||
| I think it was just Snatch. | ||
| It was definitely in Snatch. | ||
| I asked a guy once who's gotten rid of a body. | ||
| I said, what's the best way to get rid of a body? | ||
| And he said, go fishing. | ||
| And I said, what? | ||
| He goes, go fishing. | ||
| Just throw him in the water? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you go far enough out in the ocean. | ||
| If you're lucky. | ||
| But if you're not lucky. | ||
| If you're not lucky, that bitch floats to shore. | ||
| Not if you tie enough shit. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta tie him up Dexter style. | ||
| And a pubic hair of yours would be caught in his mouth. | ||
| Doesn't it? | ||
| But if you think about it, I mean, it's probably a good bet. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of goddamn real estate out there. | ||
| I wonder how many people are buried out there. | ||
| How many people do you think are buried on the way to Nevada? | ||
| That crazy dirt road, those off to the side where you see weird dirt roads through the chicken wire. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What's going on back there? | ||
| Who owns that? | ||
| Who checks that for bodies? | ||
| Who scans that thing with the fucking metal detector looking for watches of people that got burnt up? | ||
| I think it's funny when they find one. | ||
| Remember that bodybuilder? | ||
| I was just about to bring that up. | ||
| Chris Titus, yes. | ||
| Didn't he try? | ||
| No, Chris Titus was the comedian. | ||
| No, the comedian. | ||
| Craig Titus. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| No. | ||
| Am I saying it wrong? | ||
| He killed his personal assistant, he and his wife, because he was fucking her, I think. | ||
| And his wife caught them, and so I guess he and his wife decided to get rid of her. | ||
| To kill her. | ||
| Yeah, that's the best way to handle getting caught cheating. | ||
| And they killed her, and then they took her out to the desert. | ||
| Yeah, Craig Titus. | ||
| And they were going to light the... | ||
| They were lighting her on fire. | ||
| Yeah, the car and her... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I remember this guy. | ||
| He was so juiced to the gills. | ||
| He was so crazy that he actually was challenging Phil Barone. | ||
| He was saying that he wanted to fight Phil Barone when Phil Barone was young. | ||
| Phil Barone, when he was young, was one of the scariest knockout punchers in the UFC's middleweight division. | ||
| He didn't beat a lot of top guys, but he's a tough motherfucker. | ||
| For some crazy bodybuilder to come along and say, go watch that Dave Manet fight. | ||
| Go watch Phil Barone light Dave Manet up with like 15 punches in a row while standing while he's already unconscious. | ||
| He doesn't even have a chance to hit the ground. | ||
| And Barone's hit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. | |
| I'm not kidding, man. | ||
| It's one of the greatest highlight reel KOs of all time. | ||
| And this fucking douchebag, juicehead... | ||
| Who just lifts weights, thinks he's going to fuck with that. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| These guys, they get so full of testosterone. | ||
| They're literally not even human anymore. | ||
| If you see some of those guys when they hit those crazy levels of testosterone that you need to get that big. | ||
| I used to work out at that Gold's gym and his picture was on the wall. | ||
| He was one of the guys. | ||
| It's not even a human. | ||
| It's not a human. | ||
| The day that happened, I think I was in there and the guy was on a ladder pulling the picture down. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| Yeah, he's a disgrace. | ||
| But, I mean, like, when you get, like, that big, like, Lee Haney big, come on, man, that's not human. | ||
| It's not, you keep, it's an insult. | ||
| But it would also feel like, like, I'm a little guy. | ||
| I weigh, like, 170 pounds, and I work out a lot. | ||
| I do CrossFit, like, six days a week. | ||
| And when I start... | ||
| You do, you're a freak with it. | ||
| Yeah, when I start to work out where I'm doing a lot of Olympic lifting and power lifting and stuff, where I start to get a little heavier and up to, like, 180... | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I feel uncomfortable just like losing all my mobility and everything. | ||
| They're like handicapped people. | ||
| Well, that's also an issue of what you're doing for exercise. | ||
| If you wanted mobility, you should be doing yoga. | ||
| You can't just do heavy weights. | ||
| Sure, but I do a lot of Metcons and stuff, but I'm saying when you get to that bodybuilder size, like Lee Haney size, You're almost like a handicapped person. | ||
| You need to have trouble taking your shirt on. | ||
| You'd be amazed at how well some guys can move with a lot of muscle that have stretched out. | ||
| That's really what it is. | ||
| It's all about flexibility. | ||
| There's this kid named Todd Duffy. | ||
| He's a heavyweight contender, and he probably weighs, I'd say he weighs around 240-ish, somewhere on that. | ||
| Looks like a fucking, like some sort of an action comic hero. | ||
| He doesn't even look like a real human. | ||
| And he's huge. | ||
| He's just swole muscles everywhere. | ||
| And this motherfucker moves like a cat. | ||
| Like, it's creepy to watch him. | ||
| It's creepy to watch him jump on dudes and punch them, because you're like, Jesus, he's not supposed to move that quick. | ||
| It's uncomfortable. | ||
| And one of the reasons why he can move so quick is he's a real athlete. | ||
| He stretches everything out. | ||
| He doesn't just do. | ||
| If you're doing Olympic cleans, if you're doing deadlifts, and if you're doing power squats, whatever time you spend doing that, you should spend twice that amount of time stretching out and getting deep tissue massages. | ||
| So for every two hours you're lifting, it should be four hours, two hours deep tissue and two hours stretching. | ||
| That's not bullshit. | ||
| You really need to stretch everything. | ||
| It takes a long time to really stretch. | ||
| I don't fuck around because when I first got into CrossFit, I thought it was cool that you only had to work out for like sometimes three minutes. | ||
| The workouts are sometimes three minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're good at it, like a good Fran time is three minutes. | ||
| What is a Fran? | ||
| Fran would be a 95-pound thruster. | ||
| 21 times. | ||
| What's a thruster? | ||
| How's a thruster work? | ||
| You've got to clean it first, then you go into a squat, and then into a push press over your head. | ||
| So you do that 21 times. | ||
| Then you go straight to the pull-up bar 21 times. | ||
| Then you do 15 thrusters, 15 pull-ups, then 9 thrusters, 9 pull-ups. | ||
| So that's like 90 reps or something, what you're doing. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| Yeah, you're fucking done. | ||
| Yeah, you're done. | ||
| Or, you know, they have that scheme, rep scheme, you can do it with handstand push-ups and deadlifts, which is a pretty tough one, too. | ||
| So it's all just blowing it out. | ||
| Blowing out. | ||
| Some of them are up to 20 minutes long. | ||
| Some of them are, you know, like, fight gone bad. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| The wrestler, or the UFC fighter, I think it was Dana White, did it with CrossFit. | ||
| They put it together and they said, let's simulate A UFC fight. | ||
| So it's like, what are you, five minutes and then... | ||
| What's a round? | ||
| Three? | ||
| Five. | ||
| Five-minute rounds. | ||
| And how many? | ||
| Three? | ||
| Three in the regular fights and five in championship and main event fights. | ||
| So this is like five five-minute rounds with one-minute break in between each one. | ||
| And you row, then you do push presses, box jumps, everything. | ||
| And you do as many reps as you can get in of these things. | ||
| A minute each and then you switch to the next thing for a minute and it's five things in five minutes. | ||
| Then you take a minute break, five. | ||
| And they asked him afterwards, they're like, what was that like? | ||
| Was that like a fight? | ||
| He goes, it was like a fight gone bad. | ||
| And it just – it beats the fuck out of you. | ||
| But I used to go into the gym without warming up thinking I could do it. | ||
| And I could. | ||
| But then I developed so many issues with like bad back, bad knees. | ||
| Well, let me bring this up then because Steve Maxwell is a guy that I trained with a bunch of times, a brilliant guy, really well known for being a fitness guru. | ||
| And he thinks that those high repetition deadlift things that get done a lot in CrossFit, he said you're not supposed to do that. | ||
| That's not how those exercises are designed. | ||
| Well, yes, yes. | ||
| There's too much potential for injury there. | ||
| Yes and no. | ||
| I mean, I'm sitting here right now with I've got a bad disc because I did 155-pound power clean or squat. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| 155-pound. | ||
| Dude, why don't you stop fucking around and take jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Just learn how to strangle people. | ||
| I don't like to roll around with men. | ||
| You will when you choke the fuck out of them. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| I do have aggression. | ||
| I do have aggression. | ||
| I would probably like that. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
| You're a man. | ||
| It would help you tremendously. | ||
| You're so into fitness, but you're not even getting the rewards. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're not getting a skill. | ||
| This workout I did the other day was a 155-pound squat clean and jerk 30 times as fast as you can do it. | ||
| See, that's where Maxwell has an issue with it. | ||
| His issue is that when you're doing these high rep exercises, there's just too much potential for fuck-ups. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| And I hurt myself because, talking to Sean Waxman, who's an Olympic lifting expert, he's like a national champion or whatever. | ||
| I don't have my technique. | ||
| That's a high technique thing. | ||
| If you're an Olympic weightlifter, it has to be so precise. | ||
| It's like fucking ballet. | ||
| How good you have to be at your technique. | ||
| It's so scary when they have that one when they lock their arms. | ||
| Yeah, overhead squat. | ||
| And it's overhead press. | ||
| And the fucking bar is like way too heavy for them. | ||
| You know they just got up there with trickery. | ||
| You know they did some... | ||
| They did some crazy... | ||
| The snatch is fucking unbelievable. | ||
| And it's wiggling over the head. | ||
| You're like, my God, if that falls in your skull, you're done, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You're done. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| I saw a guy get crushed by a bench once. | ||
| He was benching. | ||
| He went way over his head. | ||
| And he fucking... | ||
| His arm just gave out. | ||
| And it clank comes down on him hard. | ||
| It goes to his neck. | ||
| Everybody's screaming. | ||
| They're running over and pulling the weights off of him. | ||
| It was fucking pandemonium. | ||
| You can spend five hours on YouTube crying your eyes out laughing at weightlifting. | ||
| Wait, once it fails. | ||
| And the best is the guys passing out after a lift. | ||
| That's the funniest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, where they just black out. | |
| Where the guy has to do like a big deadlift and then just fall forward on his face. | ||
| Guys have died from that. | ||
| Guys have had hernias or rather aneurysms. | ||
| I had a – one time in the middle of a workout, I had – I think it was an exertion headache or something where just – I knew like – and I try never to quit. | ||
| I just looked at everyone and I went, I'm out. | ||
| I'm out because my head started like – Pulsating. | ||
| A lot of times you were taught like, breathe in on the downward, on the eccentric and on the concentric, you exhale. | ||
| But a lot of times in our kind of lifting, they say, hold your breath because it locks your core. | ||
| If you hold your breath throughout the whole lift, like up, down, and then once you finish the lift, Exhale. | ||
| It locks your core together. | ||
| It locks your spine in. | ||
| It keeps more control. | ||
| So like just hold. | ||
| Take a deep breath. | ||
| Hold on the way down. | ||
| Hold on the way up. | ||
| Exhale. | ||
| So I was doing that and all of a sudden it was like… Like, I popped something in my head and I went, fuck, I'm gonna die! | ||
| Like, I really thought aneurysm or something. | ||
| What if it was? | ||
| It was just a little mini one. | ||
| Don't tell me that. | ||
| Because aneurysms... | ||
| Well, actually, that's the way to go. | ||
| That's the... | ||
| You're out, you're dead, you're gone. | ||
| Unless you're like my grandmother. | ||
| My grandmother had an aneurysm. | ||
| They gave her 72 hours. | ||
| She lived 12 years. | ||
| She has Sicilian peasant genetics. | ||
| Those peasant genes, those brick-carrying savages. | ||
| That's a hardy people. | ||
| She survived. | ||
| No one ever took care of their health. | ||
| Everyone was just eating Italian food. | ||
| It was always meatballs and lasagna. | ||
| I would go over to their house. | ||
| It was just ridiculous. | ||
| My grandmother always made homemade pasta, homemade everything. | ||
| Everything was fucking sausages and sauce. | ||
| It was just aneurysms. | ||
| It was just cholesterol. | ||
| It was like all waiting to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So she lived for 12 years. | ||
| My grandfather had to take care of her. | ||
| It was amazing to watch, man. | ||
| It was amazing to watch. | ||
| It was one time, this is really, I mean, it's very sentimental, but it was, he was standing over her and she couldn't wipe her ass. | ||
| She couldn't do anything, man. | ||
| She had bed sores. | ||
| He had to turn her to make sure that she didn't, you know, have bed sores. | ||
| And she would still get them. | ||
| You know, she was in bed all the time, just constantly rubbing up against fabric. | ||
| For 12 years. | ||
| For 12 years. | ||
| And she was barely lucid, and she would make crazy noises, and sometimes she was there, and sometimes she wasn't. | ||
| But she was essentially trapped in her own body for the rest of her days. | ||
| And it was hard, man, because I was living with them at the time for a little bit. | ||
| When I first moved to New York, I didn't have enough money for my own apartment. | ||
| My grandparents lived in New Jersey. | ||
| Newark, New Jersey. | ||
| They had been there since, like, the 30s when it was an all-Italian neighborhood. | ||
| Now it had become this, like, Hodgepodge of like third-world people and really poor black people. | ||
| It's like it's not a good neighborhood at all by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| And my, you know, they just stayed. | ||
| It just had become their neighborhood and they just dealt with it. | ||
| And my grandmother was just in a bed all the time moaning, just in agony and pain. | ||
| And one time she says to my grandfather like, you're too good to me. | ||
| Like, I don't deserve you. | ||
| Like she was lucid, like she could talk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sometimes. | |
| Sometimes she would say something like that. | ||
| But it was really garbled. | ||
| I don't want to do an impression of it out of respect, but it sounded like someone who was pretty fucked up. | ||
| It didn't sound like the way I just said it, like you're too good to me. | ||
| She couldn't talk like that. | ||
| It was drawn out. | ||
| It was difficult to get a sentence out. | ||
| He told her he loved her. | ||
| She was his wife. | ||
| It was pretty crazy. | ||
| It made me cry. | ||
| And then she died. | ||
| It was one of those classic things. | ||
| When she died, he died a year later. | ||
| Yeah, my grandparents did that. | ||
| My grandparents was 96. 96 they both lived too. | ||
| And he died and she went right after. | ||
| Like right after. | ||
| They both went all the way to 96 and it was like, what else is there? | ||
| There's no will. | ||
| I mean, you know, that's what life is supposed to be. | ||
| It's supposed to be you get to a point where it's really, you know, you're accepting the fact that it's over because it's not good anymore. | ||
| You ever read the book, what's his name, the guy who wrote Man's Search for Meeting? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a guy, Victor Hugo, I think. | ||
| He was in a concentration camp and he made it all the way through. | ||
| And he wrote this book on logotherapy, I think it's called, or logotherapy. | ||
| And he – it was amazing because he talked about all the people that survived and how they survived the concentration camp, being like stripped completely naked, having your hair shaved off your head, put in – like losing your identity, having no identity and being able to survive that, like being stripped of everything in life that you ever had and having your whole – most of these people, their whole families were killed, were murdered. | ||
| So like what do you live for? | ||
| And I think that happened to him. | ||
| His entire family was killed. | ||
| So some people would still have someone. | ||
| They'd be like, I want to live to get back to my wife or I want to live to get back to my child. | ||
| His was, I want to live to get back to help people, to show people how to get through something this atrocious. | ||
| Like that was his will. | ||
| But he said you had to have something. | ||
| If you didn't have something, you wouldn't make it. | ||
| And he talks about – the most amazing thing he talked about was going – how he said sufferings like a gas, it will fill a room no matter how big it is. | ||
| And he said like they were on the one train going to one of the concentration camps and like if you go over this bridge, you are going to the one where they kill you. | ||
| But if you make like a right turn, you're going to the one where you're going to stay alive for a couple more weeks. | ||
| It's a work camp. | ||
| And they're in the truck and he said they're like cattle. | ||
| They've got them all pressed together. | ||
| You can't breathe. | ||
| You smell like shit and you're smothered and it's all these other like concentration camp victims. | ||
| And you're in there and it's the worst like worst – Like place you could ever be in your life, like mentally, physically, and you're going over this and you're thinking I'm going to die. | ||
| I'm going over this bridge and we're going to the death camp. | ||
| But they made like a right turn to go to the work camp for two weeks and there was like a cheer. | ||
| In the truck, like in the car, the train car, that was like the greatest feeling in the world because they had two more weeks to live. | ||
| Like they weren't going to die. | ||
| And he said it's amazing that like you can be in that shitty of a position in your life but experience – have that like elation that's so high. | ||
| And it's kind of Buddhist about like living the moment. | ||
| I mean you're in a horrible, horrible place but you can have these levels of like – Like, fuck, that was, like, fucking amazing. | ||
| I just fucking, like, you remember the high highs of your life, and one of them was at the lowest point of your life. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fucking amazing book. | ||
| Did you look it up? | ||
| Is it Victor Hugo? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't remember his name. | ||
| It's called Man's Search for Meaning. | ||
| It's an old book, a famous book. | ||
| It is a weird question when you try to figure out what are you here for? | ||
| What is meaning? | ||
| If the human mind looks at the future and figures out that there's a certain amount of time left, there's only a certain amount of time left if you're to believe that this world is real. | ||
| You really have a finite time as you. | ||
| If you believe this world is real. | ||
| It's funny you say that because I had lunch with my sister the other day who's very intelligent. | ||
| She's a partner in like the biggest law firm and we started talking about it and we disagree on a lot. | ||
| Like she's actually – she still believes in God and all this stuff and I said something about if you believe this world is real and she kind of gave the Descartes, I think therefore I am and I'm like … How does he know he was fucking thinking? | ||
| You know, like, how does he know? | ||
| Well, it becomes entirely more possible as technology increases to envision a world some point in the future where it's going to be possible to recreate reality in an indistinguishable form. | ||
| And it may have already happened. | ||
| We may be in it right now. | ||
| And that may be one of the reasons why life is so ridiculous is because sometimes, like in a lot of movies, there's some shitty writing. | ||
| And in this movie, there's a dude named Weiner who likes to pull his dick out and show it to girls on the internet. | ||
| He just happens to be a senator. | ||
| Or John Edwards. | ||
| What, your wife's got cancer? | ||
| Why don't you go fuck another chick and shoot a load inside of her? | ||
| That would be good for your presidential aspirations. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| John Edwards, not only that, he's on trial right now. | ||
| Following his trial. | ||
| They want to put that guy in jail. | ||
| He almost became the president. | ||
| He had a real good shot at being the vice president with Obama. | ||
| Yeah, he did look like the all-American kind of... | ||
| He's a liberal. | ||
| He's an intelligent guy. | ||
| He's a lawyer. | ||
| He fucking looks great. | ||
| But he fucked around. | ||
| But he was bagging his camera woman. | ||
| Tripped over his own dick. | ||
| Yeah, and apparently what happened wasn't just that. | ||
| That's not why he's in trouble. | ||
| Why he's in trouble is because of his campaign finances. | ||
| He apparently used some of the money to finance her living and him hiding her. | ||
| So that's what he's being accused of. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing as... | ||
| As scandalous or not scandalous but as corrupt as campaign financing is, that they'll go after him. | ||
| Well, I think they wanted to make a point. | ||
| That's like going after a guy for stealing money from a drug dealer. | ||
| Right, that's funny. | ||
| The money's so shitty in campaign financing, the way it's coming in and how illegal and how all these corporations are financing campaigns. | ||
| It's the fundamental problem with America. | ||
| You're right, but in this instance, one of the things about it is there's two very specific wealthy donors that he had courted. | ||
| And so it was really like he robbed them of Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He knew that his campaign was going to fall apart because he knew that his... | ||
| I understand, but those fuckers are buying influence. | ||
| So that's what you get. | ||
| You know, you're... | ||
| Maybe one of them is a wealthy individual, is a woman. | ||
| Yeah, but like if you saw the guy that was financing Newt's campaign or Santorum's campaign, these are just egomaniac fucking rich people, super, super, super rich, that have done everything and it's on their bucket list. | ||
| And then they also have ideals like, you know, I think the world should be run like this, so I'm going to put money in the pocket of a politician, you know, with these super PACs now and the way they do it. | ||
| And they go... | ||
| They're buying influence. | ||
| Politicians – I just read a great book, Lawrence Lessig, Republic Lost, and I've felt this way for years because I traveled all over the world doing comedy and every country I went to, everybody yelled at me about America. | ||
| Like every single green room of every comedy club, no matter where I went, it was like I was the representative for America and everybody wanted to fucking yell at me about my country and there was a lot I see wrong with America, a ton. | ||
| But at a certain point, I started snapping. | ||
| I'd be like, fuck off! | ||
| Fuck off! | ||
| Do you buy Coca-Cola? | ||
| Well, Coca-Cola pays for the politicians to get elected. | ||
| So stop drinking Coke and then you can come bitch at me. | ||
| Like, if you're putting money in the corporation's pockets, you're paying for these politicians to make the decisions. | ||
| Yeah, and most people are born into a system that they have no control of. | ||
| And to blame us for what's going on with the military-industrial complex. | ||
| I had a joke in my first album about it. | ||
| English people saying, you're responsible for this, you're responsible for that. | ||
| I go, well, me? | ||
| I don't even vote. | ||
| I steal cable. | ||
| You're not talking about me. | ||
| I'm just a dude who got shat out of a vagina some odd years ago, and here I am, and now we're talking. | ||
| I'm responsible for this crazy fucking machine, and I can't fix it either. | ||
| I'm 24 years old. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| But there is that feeling when you go places and you feel like... | ||
| I ended up making a documentary film about it called America the Punchline. | ||
| About how everywhere I was going, comedians, I'd be in Hong Kong, I'd be in Dubai, I'd be in South Africa. | ||
| They're all fucking making fun of America. | ||
| I always apologize. | ||
| I always apologize and say that I come to you from America. | ||
| I come to you from the balls of the dick that's fucking the world. | ||
| That's where I live. | ||
| And that's a very common thing for American comedians to apologize because it's that... | ||
| You have to. | ||
| You get there and... | ||
| I used to go on stage in England like back around 2003, 2004. I would walk on stage and they'd go, the next comedian's an American. | ||
| And I would do it for fun. | ||
| I'd tell him, he'd go, what do you want as your intro? | ||
| I'd go, just say I'm American. | ||
| And they'd go, the next comedian's American. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boo! | |
| The whole crowd would boo. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Before they saw my act, I'm like, now I'm used to it after I go on. | ||
| So you did this on purpose, and would you go up and just explain? | ||
| I would do it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| In the beginning, I would apologize. | ||
| Like, when I first started going to England and all over the world, I would apologize. | ||
| And then I got to the point where I'm like... | ||
| I knew where I could stand and I liked that I just roped them in on it. | ||
| Like, you just booed me. | ||
| Now I'm able to come after you. | ||
| Because it was funny. | ||
| I wasn't doing well over there when I would be like, oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| But when I'd be like, really? | ||
| Who's our ally? | ||
| How are you pointing the finger at us when you're fucking right there with us? | ||
| But even that, I mean, you're talking about, well, really, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think Triple H doesn't work for the alliance? | |
| I'll tell you what, you're talking nonsense. | ||
| I mean, even saying that, I don't know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| Do you know what they're doing? | ||
| Who's allies? | ||
| What does that even mean? | ||
| What's involved in this alliance? | ||
| Where are the lines? | ||
| I just was watching yesterday, they're saying Pakistan and Afghanistan are about, they might go to war with Egypt. | ||
| Well, there was a theory that someone said to me. | ||
| It was Duncan. | ||
| Duncan Trussell said there's a theory. | ||
| I believe he was quoting it, but what it was was that the idea is that as the world falls apart, really, it's your own reality that's falling apart. | ||
| It's just the reality of the world is that it's really a piece of your imagination and that as the world gets more and more chaotic and we move closer to the end of the Mayan calendar and there's nuclear war is a threat in the back. | ||
| What all that really is, Fukushima's meltdown, the pollution in the oceans. | ||
| It is really your own reality of your temporary existence in this plane is coming to an end. | ||
| I believe that too, sort of. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I mean that's what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| We were talking about whether or not life really is a work of fiction. | ||
| I mean, I wouldn't say that I believe it, but I don't not believe it. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I said, because I don't know what I know. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I get a lot of shit about these crazy what-if scenarios where you stop and think about it, and you're like, what if this? | ||
| And what if this is artificial? | ||
| But at a certain point in time, we know that's going to happen. | ||
| If you look at what you see now, just look at the fact that I can get on this laptop... | ||
| And I can just watch movies, and I can interact with people, exchange information, and the graphics are incredible, and the photos are high definition. | ||
| This is just one step in a process that is not gonna stop unless resources run out and we all wind up being fucking zombies and cannibals. | ||
| I mean, this is really the only way. | ||
| Civilization is gonna have to fall apart for us to lose our obsession with the direction the technology's moving. | ||
| There's never gonna be a time where we go, you know what? | ||
| We have enough technology, we're cool with this. | ||
| What we have to do is clean up our mess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| But there also could be the chance of a solar flare or something that just wipes it all out where then the Earth starts over again. | ||
| Like Ice Age or something where we start from ground one again where we start... | ||
| Super possible. | ||
| And you think about if we evolve from... | ||
| Not if we evolve, but as we evolve from apes or where apes came from, originally what they came from. | ||
| And that whole millions and millions of year process that has to start all over again and they might not get... | ||
| How do we even know if we have gotten the furthest along? | ||
| You know what's really fucked up, man, when you look at those pictures of what we evolved from? | ||
| You know, Australopithecus and all these dudes that lived like a million years ago. | ||
| That's not that long ago. | ||
| It's amazing that it go from a million years to today, and look how much different we look than every other ape. | ||
| Like, one ape started standing up, and by the way, there wasn't just one of us. | ||
| There was a gang of us, different species, a lot of them that never made it, like the Flores, the Hobbit man that they found recently, that as recently as, I think it was 10,000 years ago, they were living, coinciding with human beings. | ||
| What's the Hobbit man? | ||
| They're little Hobbit people, little tiny people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| A tiny race of human beings on an island Are they maybe like what dwarves are today? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They're tiny people. | ||
| They're in proportion. | ||
| A dwarf, the idea is that it's a genetic anomaly in their body. | ||
| They have short arms and a large head. | ||
| We had, on Talkin' Shit, my podcast the other night, we had... | ||
| I think it's dwarves. | ||
| No, midgets. | ||
| Are you not allowed to say midgets? | ||
| No, they explained it. | ||
| As our guest, I had three dwarves. | ||
| Is a dwarf a proportionate person who's very tiny? | ||
| No. | ||
| Which one is the proportionate that's very tiny? | ||
| There's so many different types of it. | ||
| That they were explaining all their types like Tanya Lee Davis and Nick Novicki and Brad Williams were all on the show and they were all explaining that they all had – I think the three of them had three different types of dwarfism and then they talked about if they were to have sex and have a child, like there's a 25 percent chance that it could acquire – like that – and they know all this because they go to like the Little People of America convention which I went to this year which is fucking amazing. | ||
| And they study all this stuff and they know like – I think they've isolated the gene that causes dwarfism and they know what it is and they – through like gene therapy and everything – not gene therapy or whatever they do like stem cell or whatever, they might be able to prevent it from happening in the future. | ||
| But they can't reverse it. | ||
| No, they can't reverse it but they might be able to prevent it from happening and I think a lot of dwarves were upset about this saying like – You're going to kill our species. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Can they just make them sexy or can they just modify the gene to make like sexy dwarfs? | ||
| Because I think if they did it right, it would be cool. | ||
| Well, I have a friend in Australia, this guy Iman, who is 41 pounds. | ||
| And he's full grown. | ||
| And he is the smallest man you'll ever see. | ||
| And he's a stand-up comedian. | ||
| And he is fucking tiny. | ||
| And he has a thing, I think it's called Rima disorder, if I'm right. | ||
| And the only other person in the world that has it is his sister. | ||
| And her name's Rima. | ||
| And he just looks like a miniature person. | ||
| Like everything's proportionate. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Even his cock. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| No, he claims it's big. | ||
| How tall is he? | ||
| Backpedal. | ||
| Two feet? | ||
| I would say... | ||
| He's about up to your thigh. | ||
| Midway up your thigh. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| And he's tiny. | ||
| He's a funny comedian. | ||
| Really funny. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| And I've gotten him wasted, which is fun. | ||
| How much can he drink? | ||
| He can't have one wine cooler. | ||
| He smokes pot like a fiend. | ||
| Like a fiend and drinks... | ||
| I saw him one night probably have six gin and tonics. | ||
| And he's got long hair too, which is funky. | ||
| And I had to hold his hair because he was puking outside. | ||
| Oh my god, that's a classic. | ||
| I ended up carrying him about 20 blocks home. | ||
| You carried him 20 blocks? | ||
| Like a baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you didn't. | |
| I had to carry him in my arms like a baby. | ||
| That's a good CrossFit. | ||
| That's like a farmer walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good CrossFit exercise. | |
| Did you do it like a sandbag? | ||
| Did you get him in a gable grip? | ||
| No. | ||
| First I had him on my shoulder like a parrot. | ||
| You get him in the guillotine grip. | ||
| It's an odd grip. | ||
| It's like this. | ||
| You got a palm outward and the other one inward. | ||
| It's really good for guillotines. | ||
| And then I just took him back to my house and I let him pass out on my couch because he was just so fucked up and he What I had to get home. | ||
| And I was like, you know, you don't want like a stumbling dwarf walking around the street. | ||
| What is he technically? | ||
| He's not a dwarf, right? | ||
| He has this thing called Rima disorder. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But what I'm getting at is... | ||
| Oh, they don't like the word midget. | ||
| They don't like the word midget. | ||
| They hate the word midget because... | ||
| But it used to be that there was like midgets and dwarves, and they were two different things. | ||
| Midget comes from the word midge or something, which is an insect. | ||
| So you're calling them an insect. | ||
| And they also don't like it because their whole lives, they've been identified as, look at the midget. | ||
| And so it's not like... | ||
| It just seems so weird that the name change is going to change anything. | ||
| Isn't it really the intent with... | ||
| I agree, but I think it's like when you look at... | ||
| Cracker, the word cracker doesn't hurt anyone. | ||
| Nobody's ever gone... | ||
| I'm one for – like I say on stage, I say absolutely every word I could possibly think of. | ||
| I have a joke about him. | ||
| I go, my best friend is a midget. | ||
| He's a real life dude and he hates the word midget. | ||
| He says that's the most offensive thing you can call a little person and I'm like, what about nigger midget? | ||
| And that's a lot more offensive because it's not like your people are enslaved except in The Wizard of Oz. | ||
| They, like, I understand where they're coming from their whole life. | ||
| Because I've been with them. | ||
| I feel like you've got to just give it to them just because they've got dealt a shitty hand. | ||
| If that's going to make you happier that we won't say midget, then I won't say midget. | ||
| You owe them that. | ||
| I've walked down the street with them and it's amazing. | ||
| When you're with a black person, people aren't pointing at this day and age, yelling, look at the N-word. | ||
| But when you're with a little person, people fucking point and yell. | ||
| Do you watch Game of Thrones? | ||
| No, everyone's telling me I have to. | ||
| That one little dude who's on the... | ||
| I don't know his name. | ||
| I should probably look it up. | ||
| He's a good actor. | ||
| Fucking brilliant. | ||
| He steals the show. | ||
| That show's goddamn good. | ||
| Is that the famous little guy? | ||
| Dinklage or Peter... | ||
| Yeah, he just won something like that. | ||
| Yeah, he's really good. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great actor. | ||
| He's the best actor in the show. | ||
| Well, Nick, who was on our podcast the other night, is in Boardwalk Empire. | ||
| He's the fighter. | ||
| Do you know Nick? | ||
| Nick Novicki? | ||
| No. | ||
| I thought you said Lipnick before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He's kind of a midget. | ||
| No. | ||
| Isn't he your buddy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My buddy. | ||
| I had him on a podcast once. | ||
| You're just tight? | ||
| No. | ||
| John Heffron's buddy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He chokes Heffron, apparently. | ||
| You know, I would do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I'm kind of with you on that and a couple other reasons, but I would do jiu-jitsu if somebody like Ronda Rosie... | ||
| I took like five other of the hottest girls and it's just like you have to choose one of these girls every day you get to choose kind of like you know like like the bunny ranch and then you choose which one you want and it's no gi and you they'll teach you jiu-jitsu I would do it that way teach you yeah but listen I've wrestled you up I've wrestled women if you're just training if they're just being teachers I wrestled two girls in a jello I wrestled two girls in a jello wrestling contest for a radio promotion and And I said to the girls beforehand, | ||
| I go, hey... | ||
| And these weren't UFC girls. | ||
| They're just girls. | ||
| And I go, hey, let's take it easy. | ||
| No one needs to get hurt here. | ||
| Like, I know I can't fucking beat the shit out of them. | ||
| Everybody's going to be like, you're an asshole. | ||
| So I know they're just going to club the shit out of me. | ||
| So I'm like, I had watched during the Jell-O wrestling. | ||
| I was the only guy in it. | ||
| It was all chicks and me. | ||
| And the round before me... | ||
| It was just like one of those inflatable pools. | ||
| The bottom of the pool was just on cement. | ||
| So they're wrestling on a piece of nylon over cement. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And I watch this girl pick up a girl, slam her, and her jaw hits the ground, and I hear the girl go, I think I broke my jaw! | ||
| And I'm like, this is fucking... | ||
| And then I'm going in next, and the girls are taunting me, and they're going, we're going to kick your ass. | ||
| This is after the girl broke her jaw? | ||
| If you Google Eddie Ift Jello Wrestling, you can watch... | ||
| So the girls are fucking... | ||
| Beating the fuck out of me. | ||
| I had scratches and blood coming off. | ||
| And I'm going, calm the fuck down. | ||
| This is a show. | ||
| And they're gouging at me. | ||
| So finally, I just was like, alright, that's it. | ||
| So I thought, what can I do? | ||
| I can't fucking hurt them. | ||
| So I just started pulling off their bikini tops and bottoms. | ||
| And I was like, at least that's where they'll become defensive. | ||
| So if I just start showing their titties to everybody, I win, I look like the good guy, the crowd likes me, and sure enough, I accidentally fingered one of them, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of the chicks you can watch, I pick her up and body slam her, and you just hear her go, I broke my fucking nose! | |
| You blood everywhere. | ||
| You body slammed her and she broke her nose? | ||
| They were beating the fuck out of me. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| They're beating the shit out of you. | ||
| What is the name of this? | ||
| How will someone search this? | ||
| I think it's on YouTube. | ||
| Eddie Ift Jello Wrestling. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| dude they're trying to fuck you up so you weren't on the offense You were just being defensive here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I gotta tell you, I think I could take these two bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But like, what do you do? | ||
| Oh yeah, you got her bra. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| You know what, dude? | ||
| You tried to be gentlemanly even how you took off her bra. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh shit. | |
| Oh shit. | ||
| Oh, that bitch totally broke her nose. | ||
| And she's laughing about it. | ||
| What a psycho. | ||
| Oh my god, that chick's a psycho. | ||
| What do you do in that situation? | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| I wouldn't do it. | ||
| I don't like me when I get mad. | ||
| You tried a finger. | ||
| That sounded like the Hulk. | ||
| You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. | ||
| I don't want to get physically... | ||
| I don't want to ever put myself in a position where I'm physical with a chick. | ||
| At all, like that? | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| And like in high school one time, I had a girl, I beat up her brother. | ||
| And like it was a fair fight kind of thing. | ||
| I beat him up. | ||
| We did a fist fight, I won. | ||
| And she was older, like two years older, and she was like the biggest burnout, fucking hardcore. | ||
| Like crazy bitch in the school and everybody's like you're dead She came to get me and she beat me up in front of the whole high school Like she was just slapping me in the face and punch and I just had to sit there and take it And I just sat there and just took every punt like and just I just kept calling her a cunt There's this woman there's this woman who was a lesbian and she was also Like a really high level taekwondo player. | ||
| She was she'd fought a lot of national tournaments placed she had been a She was very good. | ||
| And she was in the class, and she had this hard-on for men. | ||
| Especially men that weren't as good as her. | ||
| She would beat the fuck out of them. | ||
| She beat the fuck out of Steve. | ||
| You know Steve Graham? | ||
| Remember Steve? | ||
| My buddy Steve? | ||
| Beat the fuck out of Steve. | ||
| And then I had to go with her next. | ||
| And the only reason why my instructor paired me up with her was to punish her. | ||
| Because she shouldn't have been going with me. | ||
| That was when I was like... | ||
| I was a U.S. Open champion, four-time Massachusetts state champion, and I was a man. | ||
| And I was just a lot faster and stronger and bigger. | ||
| And she fucking attacked me! | ||
| She screamed. | ||
| It was sparring, okay? | ||
| This is not a fight. | ||
| This is sparring. | ||
| And she screamed and just charged at me. | ||
| And I put a whooping on this bitch. | ||
| I never usually beat girls up, but I put a beating on that girl. | ||
| I didn't hit her in her face. | ||
| I only hit her in her body, but I clowned her. | ||
| I would do things to her that I knew she couldn't do to me. | ||
| I would double kick her. | ||
| I would kick her with my left foot and then kick her with my right foot at the same time. | ||
| To stand right in front of her. | ||
| I just did a bunch of shit that she couldn't do to me. | ||
| Because you're at such a disadvantage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I've always thought about... | ||
| Yeah, it was all wrong. | ||
| But you're at a disadvantage. | ||
| Yeah, because, like, I've seen that where girls want to enter, like, that kind of sport. | ||
| And I'm all for women playing sports. | ||
| If you're an equal, that's fine. | ||
| But in a sport like this, there's a cultural exchange there that makes it, like... | ||
| Like football. | ||
| When a girl wants to play football, how do you feel about it? | ||
| It's like girls in the military. | ||
| Well, let me explain it to you when it comes to martial arts. | ||
| It's real simple. | ||
| You don't take advantage of anybody that's below you. | ||
| You try to be as nice as possible to the underclass. | ||
| Occasionally, when you're sparring, especially with contact, like kicking and punching, someone gets knocked out. | ||
| But you don't ever try to knock out someone who's a lower rank than you. | ||
| You always try to control yourself. | ||
| Shit happens sometimes when people run into things or you catch someone funny and you didn't know you were going to knock them out and they go unconscious. | ||
| That would happen. | ||
| But you should never do it on purpose. | ||
| And when someone who's a black belt, like this woman was, went after this guy who had like fucking 20 knee surgeries, can't move that good. | ||
| And he's not, you know, he's only a green belt. | ||
| He's just starting out. | ||
| And she went and attacked him like it was a goddamn street fight. | ||
| There's a level of aggression that people sometimes... | ||
| We'll take out on people in sparring. | ||
| The only reason they do it is because they can. | ||
| It's just bullying. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It's straight bullying. | ||
| She would go after guys and beat the shit out of them. | ||
| But I see her spar women. | ||
| Nothing like that, man. | ||
| When she would spar women, she would take it easy on them. | ||
| She would pull her punches and kicks. | ||
| She was trying to knock guys out. | ||
| There was a real aggression to it. | ||
| She charged after me, man. | ||
| I screamed at me. | ||
| I was like 19. When I was 19, I was half crazy. | ||
| And I was not taking it from some bitch. | ||
| I put a beating on this chick. | ||
| I stomped her in the chest. | ||
| I remember not knowing how to hit her so that it was more of a push than a kick, but just to let her know what's up. | ||
| I launched her through the air and she skid on her butt and then I chased her down and then stood over. | ||
| And then I let her get back up and then I just started beating on her. | ||
| I'll never forget this because it was a real moment in my life where I said, I am not going to hurt her. | ||
| I am not going to hurt her. | ||
| Because my instincts were to knock her unconscious. | ||
| My instincts were to kick her in the face. | ||
| I was like, I'm going to kick this bitch in the face. | ||
| But I can't. | ||
| There's no way you can do that. | ||
| So it was a battle. | ||
| Because I was in a fight with a woman, essentially. | ||
| Because if it was a guy and he took advantage of another guy like that, that's your thought. | ||
| I'm going to knock this guy out. | ||
| I'm going to kick him in the face. | ||
| He deserves this. | ||
| But then you go, I have to make a concession here because this is a woman. | ||
| So you have to like... | ||
| There were times in the gym where it just became all-out fights. | ||
| There was two times that I can really remember. | ||
| One of them, unfortunately, was when we had concrete floors. | ||
| We only had office carpeting over concrete floors, and we would spar full contact. | ||
| This is no bullshit. | ||
| And this was a hardcore fucking school. | ||
| We would fight in these Taekwondo tournaments, and they were scary, but the training was scarier than the fucking fights. | ||
| Because at least the training, you know, you would be with your friends. | ||
| Sounds like Fight Club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know all their shit, and they're all preparing, and you're gonna have to fight them four, five, six times. | ||
| When you're fighting, you're probably gonna fight someone who's not as good as your training partners, and you're not gonna have to fight as many times. | ||
| It was way easier. | ||
| But new guys would come in all the time, and it would wind up being just a brawl. | ||
| That's all it was. | ||
| I mean, I can't remember how many times we had to drive people to the hospital after we fucked them up because we would get in these situations where a guy would come in from another school and they usually weren't that good, you know, and they would get cocky or insulin and the instructor would let them join class. | ||
| Like, go ahead. | ||
| Would you like to join our class? | ||
| We can have the first class for free. | ||
| And we know we were just supposed to beat the fuck out of this guy. | ||
| So it was like, it was completely irresponsible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's how it was handled. | ||
| When anybody was out of line and they came to the school, it wound up being a street fight. | ||
| And on concrete. | ||
| It was just a thin office carpet on concrete. | ||
| So this is how I essentially grew up. | ||
| From age 15 to 21, that's all I did. | ||
| So when some chick is screaming at me, chasing after me, like she's going to attack me after I watch her just beat up my friend, that was not happening. | ||
| But it was a milestone for me where I was able to not hurt her. | ||
| I was like 20 pounds heavier than her. | ||
| It was totally unfair. | ||
| But I was able to not hurt her. | ||
| Very important. | ||
| Well, I was – I don't know if it was the night we did your show but I was at a comedy club one night and afterwards there was an argument. | ||
| I was – I had headlined there or something. | ||
| There was an argument about – Buying drinks or something and a couple had argued with a waitress and the women were fighting. | ||
| The girl that didn't want to pay her bill was arguing with the waitress at the comedy club and they were screaming, yelling at each other. | ||
| It pours out kind of into the street and a waiter stands up for the waitress, this black dude standing up for the waitress going, hey, you need to back off, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And so then her husband So it's the black guy and the husband who's a Mexican dude. | ||
| So black guy, Mexican dude, and the Mexican guy's wife is standing behind him. | ||
| And they're arguing and they're about – it's escalating into a fight. | ||
| And you can tell the Mexican dude does not want to fight. | ||
| But he's standing his ground but he doesn't want to fight. | ||
| You know when two guys are going – and the black dude is like, yo, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Pay your bill. | ||
| Get the fuck out. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| A lot of fuck yous. | ||
| You don't want to fight. | ||
| But you can tell no one really wants to fight. | ||
| His wife comes over the shoulder and punches the black dude from the comedy club that works there in the face. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And I see the whole thing and I thought to myself, I've never... | ||
| That dumb bitch. | ||
| And... | ||
| What I thought should've happened right there is the black dude and the Mexican dude should've high-fived and beat the shit out of his wife. | ||
| Because she just got two guys in a fight who... | ||
| One guy didn't want to fight and probably was gonna get his ass kicked. | ||
| Yeah, her husband didn't want to fight. | ||
| The black dude just wanted to break up, and now they have to fight each other, which they did. | ||
| And by the way, the black dude got a good punch in on her, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because she hit him. | ||
| He hit her right back. | ||
| He hit both of them, as he should. | ||
| Cops show up, and they're like, what happened? | ||
| I'm like, take her. | ||
| Take her. | ||
| There's your problem. | ||
| I had an ex-girlfriend take a swing at me once. | ||
| That's assault. | ||
| Have you ever had an ex-girlfriend? | ||
| Oh yeah, I've had a couple. | ||
| That's the darkest moment ever when you really, oh my god, someone is fucking punching me. | ||
| A girl punched me on a set once too. | ||
| She didn't quite catch me. | ||
| I put my hand up just in time. | ||
| I was doing this show. | ||
| It was for Merv Griffin. | ||
| It was a law show, like a courtroom show. | ||
| We were going to call it Rogan's Law. | ||
| It was like, I wasn't really a judge, but I would decide your cases. | ||
| It's been done since then. | ||
| I think Paul Mooney did it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's not. | |
| No, no. | ||
| Adolm Arrera does it. | ||
| Comedy court. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And then someone else did it, too. | ||
| There was another one. | ||
| I don't remember who the other comic was, too. | ||
| But anyway, it's a funny idea. | ||
| It could have been fun. | ||
| But they had a bailiff or whatever it was, a court reporter. | ||
| And she was this chick, professional hot chick. | ||
| A little worn out, a little weathered. | ||
| Not a bad girl, but was partying fucking hard. | ||
| I mean, just redlining it. | ||
| And she was one of those girls that would come over and she would flirt with all the writers. | ||
| I mean, she hadn't really done anything yet. | ||
| She had a star on her back. | ||
| And I go, why do you have a star? | ||
| She goes, self-fulfilling prophecy. | ||
| She actually said that. | ||
| I mean, you say, whoa, man, but that's how a lot of actors think. | ||
| And I tell you, before I had children, I looked at it completely differently. | ||
| Because I used to look at it and go, look at this fucking crazy bitch with a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy. | ||
| I would go aggro with it, right? | ||
| But now I look at it and I see a little kid that was just raised all fucked up. | ||
| She was only like 29 or 30 years old or something like that. | ||
| And she looked like she was closing in on 40. She looked 10 years older than her age. | ||
| And she was just hitting it hard. | ||
| And she probably was a great girl. | ||
| She probably wasn't bad. | ||
| They all need love or something. | ||
| They're all broken and damaged. | ||
| They're all little children that just didn't get enough attention. | ||
| They should change the Hollywood sign to Daddy Didn't Love Me. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| That's my problem. | ||
| So anyway, she goes out the night before we have to film. | ||
| And I don't know if she's nervous, because this is like the first thing that she's ever done, this pilot. | ||
| And she gets coked to the gills. | ||
| She stays up all night. | ||
| And she shows up in the morning to film with no sleep. | ||
| No sleep and crashing hard. | ||
| Crashing hard and going full psycho mode. | ||
| And, you know, I'm the one who's got to take these cases. | ||
| So they tell me what the subject of each case is, right? | ||
| Before I meet the people and they actually come up with the case, I sit down with a notepad and I start going, okay, these are real problems. | ||
| These people are like real issues. | ||
| It's like, you know, I have to really figure out what this is and what's funny about it. | ||
| And I'm trying to make it another... | ||
| So I'm sitting there writing. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| God, I'm so tense. | ||
| Joe, can you give me a massage? | ||
| Can you give me a massage? | ||
| I go, you don't even have to do anything. | ||
| You're just sitting there. | ||
| I go, you don't have to worry about it. | ||
| I go, don't be tense. | ||
| I go, I have to write all this stuff down. | ||
| I have to add lip. | ||
| I go, we're going to film in like two hours. | ||
| I really can't. | ||
| You fucking asshole! | ||
| You fucking asshole! | ||
| I just asked you to be nice! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just asked you to be nice and I'm fucking nervous! | |
| And it was just complete 100% psycho. | ||
| She just did not have any connection with reality. | ||
| There was no rational response to the way the conversation was going. | ||
| If someone says, can I have a massage? | ||
| You know, and then you tell them that you're working. | ||
| They should be like, oh, okay, sorry. | ||
| What am I doing asking you for a massage? | ||
| You should laugh about it. | ||
| Like, silly me. | ||
| You're the one who needs it. | ||
| I'll get somebody else to rub my back. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| But it was like this weird thing where she wanted attention. | ||
| She wanted, like, sexual attention. | ||
| She wanted to be attractive. | ||
| She wanted someone to dote on her so that she would feel better. | ||
| But she was just whacked out from the coke. | ||
| Or whatever the fuck she was doing. | ||
| Meth or whatever it was. | ||
| But she was clearly up all night. | ||
| And she was with her friend. | ||
| And her friend just had this thousand yard stare. | ||
| This just lost look in her eye. | ||
| Like you know like these bitches had just been to nom and came back with their shoes in their hands barefoot walking through the parking lot Looking to take a hooker bath in the dressing room sink and I'm not bullshitting So she's like throwing makeup on but she's super frustrated because she's got heavy bags under eyes She's just gacked out of her head. | ||
| And so they wound up using a girl who was an extra. | ||
| They fired her She took a swing at me. | ||
| That's what I didn't get right like yeah, she took a swing at me when you when you said no I I said, well, I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I go, you're acting crazy. | ||
| I go, we're about to film this thing. | ||
| I go, why are you demanding so much attention from me? | ||
| I go, please. | ||
| And she fucking just hauled back. | ||
| And I'm like, no, this bitch is not hitting me right now. | ||
| And like halfway in, I'm like, dude, you better get your fucking hand up. | ||
| She's going to hit you in the face. | ||
| Full swing. | ||
| Yeah, full swing. | ||
| Yeah, she took a swing at me, man. | ||
| And I caught it like... | ||
| Last minute I was like, oh my god, you're hitting me? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't understand that because that's fucking assault. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I said to her. | ||
| I was like, which made her even more. | ||
| I go, excuse me, that's illegal. | ||
| I go, that's assault. | ||
| You can go to jail for that. | ||
| You shouldn't be hitting people. | ||
| You know, look, man, a man should certainly not hit a woman by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| But a woman shouldn't hit a man. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And men shouldn't hit men. | ||
| But women, you're hitting a man. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| That's like if I went over and punched a monkey or a gorilla or something like that. | ||
| That thing would kill you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're going to hit a man? | ||
| I just saw something. | ||
| Somebody said, those bumper stickers, there's never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. | ||
| And it's like, there's never an excuse for anyone to hit anyone. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Unless you're self-defense. | ||
| Unless you're trying to save your life or your consciousness or stop someone from beating somebody else up. | ||
| But yeah, I mean, a girl doing that to me is like me going up to Alistair over him and punching him. | ||
| How would I do that? | ||
| He's going to fucking kill me. | ||
| I had a girlfriend punch me while I was in bed sleeping. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've heard that. | |
| Brian's all casual. | ||
| I didn't pay for it though, right? | ||
| Brian's all like, whatever, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I woke up with fists just wailing on me. | |
| Yeah, yeah, that's kind of what mine was. | ||
| I kicked a girl like she was living with me. | ||
| I kicked her out. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| She was just... | ||
| She was like out all night doing coke and not coming home and shit like that. | ||
| And I go, just fucking move. | ||
| Just get your shit out of... | ||
| So I come home one night and her dog has shit all over my house. | ||
| Like everywhere. | ||
| And I go, and she was supposed to be home. | ||
| She just stayed out all night. | ||
| Like I was out. | ||
| I come back and her dog has shit all over my house. | ||
| And she didn't like, and I go, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| And she was hot. | ||
| She was super hot. | ||
| She was a stripper. | ||
| And it was my fault. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know, like, you know. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It sounds perfect. | ||
| I know, but I mean. | ||
| Everything sounds like it's in place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I'm like, you've got it all. | ||
| When you date a stripper, it's like doing heroin. | ||
| The first time, it's like, oh, this is fucking amazing! | ||
| And then the next time, and your friends are all shaking their heads going, dude, you don't want to do this. | ||
| It always ends up ugly. | ||
| And you're like, no, no, no, this one's different. | ||
| This one's different. | ||
| I've dated strippers that turn out to be very nice girls. | ||
| I have, for real. | ||
| And I'm friends with some girls that are dancers, but this one was fucking the psycho. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of psychos out there. | ||
| So I go, you gotta go, you gotta get out. | ||
| And I called her on the phone, I go, I'm putting your shit outside my house. | ||
| And just come and get it and go. | ||
| She didn't have a lot of stuff. | ||
| I was like, just come get your stuff and go somewhere and go. | ||
| See, that's what you fucked up. | ||
| Because you made her come to you. | ||
| You should never do that. | ||
| What you're supposed to do is have it brought to her by the blackest dude you know. | ||
| Yeah, and I didn't realize that. | ||
| The biggest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whatever you know, if you don't get a black dude, a Samoan will do. | ||
| Angry looking Samoan. | ||
| Hopefully with some fucking visible tattoos near his neck. | ||
| I... I came home and I was just like, fuck the dog and shit. | ||
| I was so mad. | ||
| I was like, but I didn't do it. | ||
| I didn't put her stuff outside. | ||
| But she came home and raged and I'm just in bed sleeping and she just starts wailing on me. | ||
| I go, what the fuck? | ||
| She goes, you're lucky. | ||
| She goes, I almost called the cops and told them you had a gun. | ||
| And I'm like, they would have taken me to jail. | ||
| Like, how crazy are you? | ||
| And funny thing is, I broke up with her since, like, years ago. | ||
| And I just Googled her to see what's going on. | ||
| The only thing I could find is that she was arrested for assault. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, some other dude got it. | ||
| Yeah, well, some people grow up thinking it's okay to hit people. | ||
| Especially in the household, if they see their mom and their dad beating each other up, they grow up in that environment and they think that that's how relationships are. | ||
| You get mad at someone, you lash out at them like a child. | ||
| I've only had one girlfriend do it, but she didn't really do it. | ||
| She kind of half-heartedly did it. | ||
| She just was mad at me and she was young. | ||
| We were both young. | ||
| She was like 20, I was like 21. She sort of took a swing at me, kind of. | ||
| I ducked under it. | ||
| I had a girl kick me. | ||
| I think I've called a girl a cunt to her face only a couple times in my life. | ||
| In New York, I'm getting a taxi one night. | ||
| That's not living, idiot. | ||
| Unless you have too many to count. | ||
| I said to their face. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That doesn't mean anything. | ||
| That's exactly what I'm talking about. | ||
| I'm standing on the street in New York City. | ||
| It's 5 in the morning. | ||
| I've just come out of a bar. | ||
| I've been drinking all night. | ||
| And I hail a cab. | ||
| And you know how sometimes you'll be standing there and somebody else has been waiting longer than you, but they're down the street a bit? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm waiting. | ||
| I hail this cab and it stops for me. | ||
| So I open the door but she sees it stop for me and she's been waiting. | ||
| She comes running up the street to where I am and she's like screaming. | ||
| So I like stop and look and she pulls back and she's got on those fucking New York City fuck me boots, you know, that they all wear the black leather high, you know, like like knee-high boots. | ||
| She pulls back And kicks me in the shin as hard as she can and it felt like a chip of my bone came out of my shin. | ||
| And I just looked at her and I went, you cunt! | ||
| And as cunt was coming out... | ||
| It didn't even get to fully come out because her right fucking hook hit me right in the face. | ||
| Like she punched me as I said, cunt. | ||
| And I'm like, you fucking psycho. | ||
| And I was so angry that I did not know what to do. | ||
| I look at her boyfriend and I go, and I look at her and I go, and I had like a bunch of dudes with me too. | ||
| I go, I'm going to beat the fuck out of him. | ||
| Right now, he's going to die because you did that. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to fucking kill him. | ||
| I'm like, you're fucking dead, dude. | ||
| You're fucking dead. | ||
| And he just grabbed her. | ||
| He goes, come on, let's go. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Because I couldn't do anything to her. | ||
| Yeah, you could. | ||
| I should have had her arrested. | ||
| You palm strike her right in the nose. | ||
| Just an open hand like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smack! | |
| Just a good gorilla slap in the nose. | ||
| I was so mad. | ||
| I've had these conversations before with people. | ||
| There's some people that have this really black and white thing with women. | ||
| You cannot ever hit women. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| A woman will stab you. | ||
| A woman will kill you. | ||
| I know a dude who got killed by his wife. | ||
| Don't tell me you should. | ||
| Because guess what? | ||
| If a woman pulls a gun on you, you should punch her in the face if you can. | ||
| It's the way to save your life. | ||
| Of course you shouldn't go out of your way to do it. | ||
| And when I say that I've called a lot of women cunts, it's because I've lived, motherfucker. | ||
| I've been a goddamn stand-up comedian working in bars for 23 years. | ||
| You don't think I've run across a few dozen cunts? | ||
| I don't count on stage. | ||
| I've called a million cunts. | ||
| But for some people, I get accused sometimes of being a misogynist because I'm just honest about it. | ||
| But no one loves women more than me. | ||
| My house is filled with women. | ||
| My daughters are all women. | ||
| I have women everywhere. | ||
| I have a girl cat. | ||
| I love women. | ||
| I just don't like... | ||
| I do. | ||
| My house is half pink. | ||
| But I don't like cunts. | ||
| I love women. | ||
| I love nice people. | ||
| I love nice men. | ||
| I don't like douchebags. | ||
| But it's a weird thing, and we've brought it up before, but it bears noting and repeating. | ||
| Why is it that if you have a problem with guys, nobody ever says you hate men? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's not even a – there is a word for it because I brought this up once. | ||
| I said there's no word. | ||
| I tried to write a joke about it. | ||
| I said there's a word for hating women misogynists but there's no word for hating men other than lesbian. | ||
| And like somebody – there is a word. | ||
| Whatever the word is, nobody knows it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the important thing is it's not respected. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| It's like, women are allowed to, you're allowed to say things like that. | ||
| And weak dudes are allowed to say things too. | ||
| When a guy says you hate women, goddammit, that is one of my pet peeves. | ||
| Like, you fucking pussy. | ||
| You goddamn traitor. | ||
| What team are you on? | ||
| A guy gets in an argument with a cunt and you're like, I've seen it happen, man. | ||
| There was a guy who did it to me once. | ||
| We were at a club, okay? | ||
| This is bad. | ||
| And this is after a friend of mine had killed his best friend in a drunk driving accident. | ||
| When I was in high school, I don't want to say his name, Tim. | ||
| He lived right down the street from me, killed his buddy in a drunk driving accident. | ||
| It was devastating. | ||
| And I remember, I'll never forget, Tim and I, we lived in the same neighborhood, and I was walking down the street. | ||
| It was like a couple weeks after it happened. | ||
| He still had the marks all over his face. | ||
| He was walking up the street, and I was walking down the street. | ||
| And I looked at him and I said, what's up Tim? | ||
| He goes, what's up? | ||
| And he just walked past me and I, the fucking palpable feeling of sadness and regret and shame and horror. | ||
| And the story was, he was drunk and he crashed his car And the cops were standing over him when he woke up in the hospital. | ||
| And the cops said something like, congratulations. | ||
| And he goes, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And he goes, congratulations, you killed your friend. | ||
| You're a fucking murderer because you were drunk and you killed your friend. | ||
| So he tried to jump out the window. | ||
| And they grabbed him and stopped him from jumping out the window. | ||
| So this is right after this happened, okay? | ||
| I'm doing stand-up, and I'm on Martha's Vineyard, and there's people, not Martha's Vineyard, Cape Cod, and people down the Cape would get fucking hammered! | ||
| And it was me and a couple other dudes, and one of them is this guy who was not a very funny guy, but he was like one of those guys that was always trying to be like, He was always trying to pick women's sides on everything. | ||
| Oh, that guy. | ||
| He was like super captain left-wing liberal, right? | ||
| And these girls are heckling the show, and they're hammered. | ||
| They're fucking hammered. | ||
| And we're outside, and we've done our gig. | ||
| The gig was a hell gig. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| There was a hockey game going on. | ||
| They refused to turn the game off. | ||
| Instead, they just turned the volume down. | ||
| So the hockey game's on, and people, every couple minutes, oh! | ||
| They would yell for the hockey game. | ||
| It was just one of those gigs that you had to do when you were young. | ||
| These girls are outside, and they are about to get in their car, and they're fucking sloshed, and I am so angry. | ||
| I'm so angry, because I'm just thinking about my friend Timmy walking up the street, and I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| And I go, look at these fucking drunk pigs. | ||
| I go, it's not bad enough that you gotta heckle at a comedy show and scream and yell and ruin everybody's night. | ||
| Now you're gonna go drunk drive, you fucking pig. | ||
| And they were just fat, sloppy, and gross, and just mutants. | ||
| And this guy turns to me and goes, hey man, I don't appreciate you talking about women like that. | ||
| I go, I'm not talking about all women, you dumb fuck. | ||
| I'm talking about these drunk pigs. | ||
| I go, if those were guys, would I be allowed to, Captain Vagina, would I be allowed to call them pigs? | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| Of course I would. | ||
| These are cunt humans. | ||
| These are cunt humans. | ||
| They're fucking five guys walking down the street in Ku Klux Klan outfits. | ||
| He confronted me with it. | ||
| I really don't appreciate you talking about women like that. | ||
| Yeah, I've been in that argument a million times. | ||
| But Boston had a lot of that, man. | ||
| There was a lot of, like, ridiculous... | ||
| I always feel like that guy, that type of guy that tries to get laid... | ||
| He can't get laid! | ||
| That's the problem! | ||
| No, but that's his thing. | ||
| Of course it is! | ||
| And he thinks that's his angle into it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So he's just as bad as anyone? | ||
| Like, it's his... | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| He's a traitor! | ||
| What I said earlier is really true. | ||
| A guy who tells you that is a traitor. | ||
| That's what he is. | ||
| He's selling out his gender for a couple brownie points with women so he could be close to them. | ||
| Mrs., can I sit by the fire? | ||
| You've been such a good boy. | ||
| Sit by the fire. | ||
| Thank you, my lord. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| He just wants to be close and get scraps from the table. | ||
| That's a guy who's never gorilla fucked a girl. | ||
| He's never ripped a girl's panties off or stuffed her into the corner of a couch and sweat on her. | ||
| When you're fucking her so hard, you're dripping sweat off your chest under her face. | ||
| Mine collects in my chest hair and she puts her hands through it. | ||
| That too, son. | ||
| You gotta get some furious fucking going on to achieve those kind of levels of... | ||
| Of cool off, sweat, whatever. | ||
| Some dudes just, they're born in this crazy life with a weak hand. | ||
| Everything's weak. | ||
| Their parents are weak. | ||
| Their genetics are weak. | ||
| Their situations are weak. | ||
| Their outlook's weak. | ||
| Their character is weak. | ||
| Their discipline is weak. | ||
| They don't accomplish what they want. | ||
| They don't have the courage to go after what they want to achieve. | ||
| They don't ever become the man they wish they could be. | ||
| So all they do along the way is try to define the boundaries for everybody else and tell everybody else how they should think and should not behave. | ||
| And the guys that they hide behind, unfortunately, is a good one. | ||
| The guys that you should be a nice person. | ||
| It shouldn't be an asshole who hates women. | ||
| I mean, I've been around people that hate women. | ||
| It's an ugly, ugly thing. | ||
| When you hate all women, that's a really gross thing. | ||
| I don't like that at all. | ||
| We've got a lot of those fans on our podcast. | ||
| I bet you do. | ||
| ONA has the most. | ||
| ONA used to have these fucking hater shows where they would do these comedy shows. | ||
| They booed Dom Irera in Philadelphia. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| That's the famous one where Bill Burr went out and shit on Philadelphia for like 10 minutes. | ||
| That was the best. | ||
| It's one of the greatest comedy performances of all time. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| And he keeps going back to the time, seven minutes and I'm doing all my time! | ||
| The best line is when he makes fun of the Flyers, the Philadelphia Flyers for wearing slacks. | ||
| The best line is, fuck you and fuck the Liberty Bell. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking classic. | ||
| I've had those shows where it's gone that wrong, and none of them have ever been close to as good as Bill Burr's, like what he did up there, because my rant will last... | ||
| I hate all of you. | ||
| I hope the fucking ceiling collapses like we're at the Indiana State Fair. | ||
| That's a dated reference, son. | ||
| Nobody remembers the Indiana State Fair. | ||
| He kept going and going and going and going. | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| And he was pulling out every reference of every Philadelphia thing. | ||
| The bridge and the... | ||
| Rocky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, you got real world champions here like Joe Frazier. | |
| Who do you worship? | ||
| A fake guy from a fucking movie. | ||
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| He killed it. | ||
| I can't believe with how often comedians snap, there's not more videos of the snaps. | ||
| There's a lot of videos of snaps, man. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| There's a gang of heckler videos from me, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's one from last time I was up in Edmonton. | ||
| There's the River Cree. | ||
| There's one. | ||
| There's some chick. | ||
| She wouldn't sit down. | ||
| I think I fucked with her for 20 minutes. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| Were you playing in the theater up there? | ||
| River Cree Casino? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, that place is great. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| They do fights up there a lot, too. | ||
| There's a lot of MMA fans. | ||
| They have the MFCs up there. | ||
| I've been to Edmonton a couple times. | ||
| They have these crazy shows. | ||
| They take pretty high-level talent. | ||
| A lot of those guys come up through there and wind up being UFC guys. | ||
| High-level guys. | ||
| So they have a good base of mixed martial arts fans up there, too. | ||
| Or has China gotten into MMA at all? | ||
| Yes, they're getting into it now. | ||
| Because the dude, the weightlifter, Sean Waxman, was telling us how China is – he's like, just wait until they get into CrossFit because he said Olympic weightlifting is massive. | ||
| He was claiming the Olympic weightlifting is like second to soccer around the world as a sport and it's just not recognized really in America. | ||
| It's not a big sport in America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| But around the world, it's massive. | ||
| Like in Russia – And China, China – well, there's two billion people in China and it's a fucking massive sport in China. | ||
| He's like, just wait until these fuckers get into CrossFit. | ||
| He's like, just wait because they're – and so I was thinking the same thing with MMA. I mean are they – do they have a history? | ||
| Because China also, the way they put money into a sport, they like pull you out of your life. | ||
| It's kind of like Russia used to. | ||
| And they're like, you are going to be a javelin thrower. | ||
| That's what you're going to do for the rest of you. | ||
| You are going to be known as a javelin thrower. | ||
| If they start doing the same kind of thing with MMA, where it's like they're taking young kids that look like they have the size, the build, the speed, everything, and going, alright, here we go. | ||
| Time to train you. | ||
| That doesn't always work, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The funny thing is, it's like giving someone welfare. | ||
| A lot of times... | ||
| You gotta have the drive yourself. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta... | ||
| Sometimes the guys who make it through having shitty jobs and getting to the top... | ||
| Anderson Silva worked at McDonald's. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's something about that. | ||
| John Jones was a bouncer with a young girlfriend with a child. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's why that dude gutted it up. | ||
| Sounds like a warrior. | ||
| Yeah, but it's true. | ||
| That's the real story. | ||
| John has two children. | ||
| And that's why he dropped out of college. | ||
| He was going to wrestle for Iowa. | ||
| Yeah, but if you gave them more of a foundation as a young kid, let's say they had it as a kid, and they weren't pushed into it, but they were doing it a lot younger. | ||
| What age do kids start doing jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Some of them start really young. | ||
| Some start four or five. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody told me it's not good to have a kid do it because they don't have the cognitive ability. | ||
| My two-year-old and my four-year-old choke each other. | ||
| I teach them how to choke each other. | ||
| I teach them how to tap out. | ||
| Because they naturally start wrestling on the bed. | ||
| So while they're wrestling on the bed, I teach them, this is side control, and this is how you get out of the guard. | ||
| You don't want to be here, because he or she can control you. | ||
| I teach them really young. | ||
| So this is a part of their way their body's moving. | ||
| If you see my two-year-old and my four-year-old, they have jiu-jitsu matches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| My two-year-old mounts her and my four-year-old hip escapes and she'll pull guard. | ||
| It's fucking pretty wild to see. | ||
| But it's just from showing them little natural moves. | ||
| I don't teach them how to finish each other, but they do anyway. | ||
| They choke each other, especially the two-year-old. | ||
| The two-year-old, she favors a Fedor Emelianenko-style rear naked choke where she grips like this and pulls it across the trach. | ||
| She likes to trach choke you. | ||
| She doesn't go for the jujitsu leverage one. | ||
| She goes for a real nasty catch lock sort of a choke. | ||
| It's like Hefron with his cats. | ||
| It's natural. | ||
| It's natural that kids roll around and play together. | ||
| I just teach them how to get into better positions. | ||
| That's another reason I wouldn't do jujitsu. | ||
| When I was a kid, when guys would wrestle in the pool, I hated that because I always had this fear. | ||
| I surf a lot, and when I get hold downs, it makes me go fucking... | ||
| I gotta go sit on the beach for a little bit. | ||
| What do you think about that guy that got killed recently? | ||
| Scion? | ||
| In South Africa? | ||
| Oh, the shark attack? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've surfed down there. | ||
| Have you ever seen sharks while you're surfing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The other day I was surfing, and I went to duck dive under a wave. | ||
| It was about four to six feet or something. | ||
| I go to duck dive. | ||
| And you duck dive, you dip your board below you so the wave doesn't catch it, and then you go kind of under the wave. | ||
| The wave's coming up on me in the face of the wave, and I just see a fucking giant fish shoot across in front of me. | ||
| So it's like a foot away from me, And all I can do is rather than like continue my duck dive, which would have been probably the smartest thing to do, I lifted like back, then thus like throwing me into a backflip. | ||
| Like the board me, fucking like board first, then my legs back over. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom, like getting held down. | ||
| What is a duck dive? | ||
| You push the board under – the nose of the board under the wave and so that the wave goes over you and doesn't take you with it. | ||
| You actually don't take the force of the wave and you get through the wave and you end up on the other side. | ||
| This is on your paddle out. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| I see. | ||
| I see. | ||
| So as I'm about to duck dive through it, on the face of the wave, I see the fish go – How big? | ||
| How many feet? | ||
| It must have been like four or five feet. | ||
| And I went... | ||
| Away from you or long? | ||
| Long. | ||
| And I just went... | ||
| And went backwards. | ||
| And as I'm getting tumbled in the white water and going through the wash, I'm like, fuck, I'm getting held down, so no breath, and I'm like, fuck, trying to get to the surface so that I can start swimming as fast as I can. | ||
| And I pull up and I look back to see if I see a fin or something, and it's a seal. | ||
| And it's like laughing at me. | ||
| I caught a seal once, accidentally. | ||
| I cut the line when I saw it was a seal. | ||
| We were fishing, and I forget what we were trying to catch, but we were fishing with bait, and all of a sudden the line pulls, and I think I have a giant fish. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking big. | ||
| Yeah, it's a seal. | ||
| But I've seen... | ||
| It sucks, though. | ||
| You feel like shit. | ||
| Oh, that would be terrible. | ||
| It's like catching a bird. | ||
| They're so cool looking. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Is it a seal or a sea lion? | ||
| What are they, sea lions or seals? | ||
| I think they're two different things. | ||
| I think they're sea lions, the things that you see off of California, right? | ||
| Aren't they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sea lions. | |
| Sea lions, yeah. | ||
| No, but I think what I saw the other day was a seal. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it was a seal. | ||
| You know what's really fucked up, man? | ||
| Those leopard seals? | ||
| Have you ever seen those things? | ||
| I see leopard sharks all the time. | ||
| Yeah, leopard seal doesn't seem like a real animal. | ||
| Leopard seal seems like something from Star Wars. | ||
| It's a seal that's super predatory and has giant teeth and it's fucking huge. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was in that movie Happy Feet. | ||
| It was like the enemy in the movie Happy Feet. | ||
| And that's how I found out about it. | ||
| Oh, and you found out it was real then? | ||
| Yeah, no, or was it Happy Feet or was, no, it was the actual March of the Penguins. | ||
| It was the actual March of the Penguins. | ||
| Because that's their main enemy. | ||
| That's what leopard seals eat penguins. | ||
| That's like their main food. | ||
| They're so scary. | ||
| They kill people. | ||
| They've killed people. | ||
| They recently killed a photographer. | ||
| Some woman got attacked and mauled. | ||
| Yeah, there's all kinds of things. | ||
| I've got crazy stories of a dolphin. | ||
| I've seen... | ||
| But have you ever seen a leopard seal? | ||
| Pull up a photo, man. | ||
| It's kind of freaky. | ||
| The shark alarm went off on me in Bondi, Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| I'm surfing and all of a sudden I hear... | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| And I just start looking around and every surfer's paddling out of the water. | ||
| And so my heart started beating. | ||
| I start paddling as fast as I can. | ||
| And I'm thinking, this is probably a regular occurrence. | ||
| I've surfed in Australia probably a hundred times. | ||
| I'm like, I've never heard a shark alarm, but maybe this is a common thing on a crowded beach. | ||
| So I start paddling, I look over at the guy next to me, and I go, and just to see what his reaction is, And he goes... | ||
| Oh my god, that's so scary. | ||
| That doesn't even look real. | ||
| Yeah, that does look scary. | ||
| Click on the one with the big mouth, because most people can't see what the fuck that is. | ||
| Yeah, that one in the center. | ||
| That does look scary. | ||
| Look at those fucking teeth. | ||
| That shit is ridiculous. | ||
| It doesn't seem like a real animal. | ||
| That's what's weird about it. | ||
| It seems like something that someone invented in a movie. | ||
| That's a seal. | ||
| The alarm's going up. | ||
| I look at this dude and I go... | ||
| I look at him and he goes, haven't heard that in a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh God. | |
| So I just start paddling. | ||
| It was like, and you think you'd like fly out of the water. | ||
| It just seemed like an eternity. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| And then I got out and they said, somebody called and said they spotted like a four foot shark or something and they have to get you out of the water. | ||
| But they're out there like, I have pictures. | ||
| A guy that owns Horizon Surf Shop in Santa Monica took pictures in Sunset. | ||
| The end, where Sunset comes out to the PCH, a fucking giant great white breaching right there. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I got it on my iPhone. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| Please show it to me. | ||
| Where that guy died last week, that's in Cape Town. | ||
| I went down in the cage with the Great Whites and saw them. | ||
| I would never surf there. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| There's only like five deaths a year worldwide from sharks. | ||
| And three of them are there. | ||
| South Africa is fucking there all over the place. | ||
| They happen here too. | ||
| The Santa Barbara guy got killed just two years ago. | ||
| Seriously, five people a year. | ||
| I mean, more people die by dogs in California a year. | ||
| Right, but you know what you don't think? | ||
| How few people are in the fucking ocean? | ||
| It's a tiny number. | ||
| When you look at it, if the whole world was in the ocean, goddammit, dude, it would be a thousand deaths a day. | ||
| You can find it. | ||
| Some guy... | ||
| They talk about your odds. | ||
| It's like 1 in 7 million or 700 billion of getting attacked by shark. | ||
| Some guy did the odds then. | ||
| Like he said, if you're wearing a wetsuit, okay, you look more like a seal. | ||
| If you're on a surfboard, it looks more like a fish. | ||
| So if you're by a river mouth where they go to feed, you're increasing your chances. | ||
| If you're alone, you're increasing your... | ||
| He does the odds and increases the chance. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| It's like one in 5,000. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's what I would say. | ||
| I surf every... | ||
| Thank you, logical man, whoever you are. | ||
| Where they go, this place is sharky. | ||
| And I'm like, well, how sharky is it? | ||
| And they're like, well, there's a salmon feed out there. | ||
| And they feed off salmon. | ||
| I went to this place called Green Island in Australia where we had to swim across the shark pit to get to the break. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, we just swim across the shark pit where the guys I was surfing with had seen a great white and they told me about how they got off and got out of the water and they'd climb up on the rocks and I'm like... | ||
| Dude. | ||
| So the whole time I was out there, I'm like, I'm not enjoying this. | ||
| And I was surfing with Brazilians and they don't give a fuck. | ||
| They're fucking crazy. | ||
| And they're just like, stop being such a pussy. | ||
| Oh, you're so crazy. | ||
| I'm like, I just don't, I'm not fucking feeling good about this. | ||
| They're so used to the water, especially if they're from Rio. | ||
| So used to surfing, such a part of the culture down there. | ||
| When Ari and I were there, we went to the UFC in Rio. | ||
| Great fucking time. | ||
| Goddamn, the food was delicious. | ||
| They love their meat. | ||
| Oh my god, it was so good. | ||
| Brian and I eat at Fogo de Chão all over the country. | ||
| That's one of our favorite places. | ||
| We pull into a town, we find out there's a Fogo, we're always like, oh, mark this one off the list. | ||
| But these places in Brazil, this is the motherland. | ||
| It's called the, you know, Chuhascaria style. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| So good. | ||
| Can you plug that in? | ||
| Do you have a plug? | ||
| But at, like, 9 o'clock in the morning, man, not even, like, 7 o'clock in the morning, we were up, and we were, you know, because we were all jet-lagged. | ||
| We were looking out on the beach. | ||
| 7 in the morning, people were playing, swimming, running on the beach. | ||
| They're, like, so much more active and healthy than Americans. | ||
| You know what's funny about Brazilians? | ||
| The men dance, too. | ||
| They're like black dudes. | ||
| They dance. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| And they love dancing. | ||
| And they look at white dudes that don't like it, and they're like, you're an idiot. | ||
| They're right. | ||
| They're like, you'll never get so much pussy. | ||
| And it's fun. | ||
| I hang out with Brazilians in Australia, and it's funny because there's kind of like an Australian-Brazilian kind of clash. | ||
| Oh, there is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Because a lot of Brazilians come to Australia and they surf and they're kind of aggressive and there's a whole culture clash between the two of them. | ||
| There's a lot of aggression on the beach, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| I serve Venice Breakwater every day, which is supposed to be legendary for all this fucking crazy localism. | ||
| And I've probably had like... | ||
| Three or four incidents in my life where we've almost gotten out of the water and fought. | ||
| That's my friend. | ||
| You need to take some jujitsu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have your Brazilian friends sit down with you and just show your basic positions. | |
| No, one dude was fucking giving me shit one day and all I did was he goes, oh yeah, let's get out of the water. | ||
| I'm going to beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| You're going to beat the fuck out of me. | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, okay, then you're going to jail because I'm a cop. | ||
| And he went, what? | ||
| I go, LAPD, motherfucker. | ||
| You just threatened a cop. | ||
| Well, you're lying, you bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he went, he went, he went, uh, uh, okay. | |
| Oh, that's so silly. | ||
| It doesn't work like that. | ||
| Off-duty cops don't have, like, some sort of special license to be cunts. | ||
| But, no, he was being the cunt, and there's some locals that just fucking take it like, hey, this is our fucking area, you can't surf here. | ||
| That's so silly. | ||
| But has a cop ever done that? | ||
| I've never personally had a problem ever in Australia, though, with like... | ||
| Australians are totally cool about like... | ||
| So it's more of an American thing? | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| The localism I've seen in America is way worse. | ||
| Why is it? | ||
| Is it because there's a shortage of waves? | ||
| Yeah, there's totally a shortage of waves. | ||
| And because everything's on the computer now, like there's all these sites that'll tell you where the good waves are... | ||
| Everyone's going to the same places, and so really only one person can catch a wave. | ||
| Is it easier to learn how to surf now, though? | ||
| Because you can kind of get lessons online. | ||
| Are there more people surfing? | ||
| Somebody just Twittered me today and said, tell Joe to have Kelly Slater on the show. | ||
| Yeah, I met Kelly. | ||
| I interviewed him at one of the UFCs. | ||
| He's a really good dude. | ||
| Yeah, he loves UFC. Yeah, he's good friends with BJ Penn, and he trains, too. | ||
| That's BJ Penn, I think, is the one that did the CrossFit training. | ||
| Workout that named it Fight Gone Bad. | ||
| That might be who it was. | ||
| Oh, that probably makes sense. | ||
| BJ apparently is thinking about making a comeback. | ||
| He decided to take a lot of time off after the Nick Diaz fight, but apparently the rumor is that Dana talked to him. | ||
| I haven't spoken to Dana in a couple days, but Dana talked to him and he said he wants to fight. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| It'd be nice if he wants to, if he actually wants to. | ||
| But if he's not motivated, there's two BJs. | ||
| There's BJ the world beater, one of the greatest fighters of all time, and then there's unmotivated BJ who just doesn't fight as well. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| It's like Tyson after... | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| Man, BJ's been at the top for so long. | ||
| You know how hard it must be to try to keep the motivation up, to train so hard. | ||
| And he's super natural, too. | ||
| He's not fucking around with growth or anything funky. | ||
| He's 100% natural. | ||
| I mean, he takes vitamins and supplements, but he's not fucking around with... | ||
| Anything that's going to aid in his recovery. | ||
| Do you think that's probably why his motivation sucks? | ||
| Because everyone else is probably doing that shit? | ||
| Well, a lot of dudes do. | ||
| That Todd Duffy guy that we were talking about, he's one of the youngest guys that's got an exemption for hormone replacement. | ||
| Some guys have it because of head trauma. | ||
| Some guys have hormone replacement because if you're in a sport like football or boxing or MMA as well, when you're getting tagged in the head, It's very possible to damage the pituitary gland, and the studies that they've been doing on high-level combat athletes seem to indicate that a certain amount of head trauma will lead to a drop in your testosterone, a significant drop. | ||
| And it's not from guys that abused. | ||
| It's guys that were clean. | ||
| There's two ways to damage your system. | ||
| Well, there's a bunch of ways, but one of them is that disease obviously could damage you, but one of them is You can do steroids when you're young. | ||
| You do a lot of steroids and your balls just quit. | ||
| You just shut them down and break them. | ||
| And so then you need hormones. | ||
| Literally, they have to inject you through. | ||
| Like testosterone. | ||
| Yeah, but those guys, it's always like monster, crazy-looking dudes. | ||
| Arnold Schwarzenegger and his prime type dudes where it's like there's no way to achieve those levels without completely jolting your body. | ||
| So that's one way. | ||
| There's another way. | ||
| If you get bit by the Brazilian wandering spider, that kills your dick. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| There's a spider called the Brazilian wandering spider that, when it stings you, it gives you an unbelievably painful hard-on. | ||
| Where your body, your dick is literally splitting like a hot dog that you sliced and then put it on the grill and it plumps when you cook it. | ||
| Your whole body's in massive pain. | ||
| Where do I get this? | ||
| In the Amazon. | ||
| It's the most toxic spider known to man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and if it doesn't kill you, it breaks your dick. | ||
| Your dick's broken. | ||
| Hear that, Australia? | ||
| They even have the fucking deadly spiders. | ||
| Yeah, they win that too. | ||
| Because Australia's got some pretty badass spiders. | ||
| Australia's missing good drugs. | ||
| That's what Australia's missing. | ||
| You don't have the ayahuasca that Brazil has. | ||
| They have something similar. | ||
| There's an aboriginal elixir that's just not nearly as common, but it's very similar in the fact that it's based on the two elements, having a MAO inhibitor and having a DMT that you can take orally. | ||
| I haven't spent much time with Aboriginal people in Australia, but my next trip over, and I go about twice a year, I've got a buddy who's decided he was a pro basketball player, and now his new thing, he's filming documentaries about, he goes way into the bush, like into the fucking bush, and he's filming documentaries, and I'm going to go with him. | ||
| Whoa, what? | ||
| I've gone up to Darwin to the Northern Territory and just kind of... | ||
| You know, like looked around and stuff, but I haven't gotten into it. | ||
| Most of the... | ||
| Australia's a huge continent. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| As big as America. | ||
| But most of the people live along the coast, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's only 20 million people. | ||
| Like we have... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Like 300 million. | ||
| They have like 20 million. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And they all live around the coast. | ||
| That's why it's so great there. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| What a great fucking country. | ||
| It's the best place ever. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| When we were in Sydney, I was like, Brian, what did I say? | ||
| What do you think I would say if I was in Sydney? | ||
| You wouldn't go into the... | ||
| Bush. | ||
| No, I would say I could live there. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was a great place. | ||
| He always makes fun of me because everywhere we go, that's cool. | ||
| Like when we were in Atlanta, I was like, I could live here. | ||
| Well, you used to not only say it, but you would be on the radio station that morning and be like, I think I might live here. | ||
| In your head, you were really thinking. | ||
| There was problems convincing Mrs. Rogan. | ||
| Obviously, I moved. | ||
| I moved to Colorado. | ||
| I was ready to live. | ||
| How'd you pull that? | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| I want to know that. | ||
| Why you went to Colorado? | ||
| I didn't want to live in Los Angeles anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I don't blame you. | ||
| Well, first of all, I travel for work. | ||
| I do the UFC. I travel. | ||
| I do comedy. | ||
| I travel. | ||
| I needed a local comedy scene. | ||
| Denver has one of the best in the country. | ||
| There's a club called The Comedy Works in Denver, and my friend Wendy, who runs it, she does an amazing... | ||
| Wendy? | ||
| No, she's never booked me ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Never, ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll talk to her. | ||
| You're hilarious. | ||
| That's Wendy. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Eddie Ift is a fine comedian. | ||
| I've always wanted to work there. | ||
| Well, you should be able to pack places now because of your podcast, right? | ||
| If you don't know Talking Shit with Jim Jeffries, our friend, and Eddie Ift, they have a podcast together. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing how much fans come out now. | ||
| What's funny? | ||
| And they're fucking idiots. | ||
| Like, I was in Atlanta, and these guys wore shirts that said Eddie Ift has AIDS. And show up at my show like a whole bunch of them wearing these Eddie Ift has AIDS shirts because Jim, you know, did that Google bomb on me. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| What was the Google bomb? | ||
| He told all our fans to Google Eddie Ift has AIDS. And if you do that, if enough people do it, when you search my name, that's the first thing that comes up in the cache. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm getting them back. | ||
| I got a whole fucking plan. | ||
| But so, yeah, if you type in Eddie Ift, it's the first fucking thing. | ||
| And even my mom asked me about it. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Your mom's Googling your name. | ||
| That's kind of weird. | ||
| She was trying to get tickets for her friends to my show and she typed in Eddie Ift and Eddie Ift has AIDS comes out. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I've had ex-girlfriends call me and go, do we have to talk? | ||
| So I did Kevin and Bean's April Foolishness last week at the Gibson Amphitheater just before I go on stage. | ||
| I'm not a big believer in intros. | ||
| Like a lot of comedians want their specific intro or make me look good. | ||
| I'm like, if I'm funny, I'm funny. | ||
| Doesn't matter what the fuck you say. | ||
| You could say, ladies and gentlemen, Eddie, if that's all I care about. | ||
| I don't fucking... | ||
| You've seen them on this. | ||
| You've seen them on... | ||
| If they know who I am, they know who I am. | ||
| If they don't, it's not going to help. | ||
| And I hate comedians. | ||
| You're like, tell them I'm the guy from the Saturn commercial. | ||
| Or I'm the guy... | ||
| No. | ||
| And the one person that's going to go, oh yeah, that's not going to help you. | ||
| So I just want Eddie Ift. | ||
| But they had these nice intros for everybody. | ||
| So Beer Mug that works on The Kevin and Bean Show goes, hey, you like Slayer, right? | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| He goes, I thought you liked Slayer. | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| He's like, because I was going to go, he likes Slayer, he likes tequila, and he likes this, and he has AIDS. Perfect. | ||
| And I go, do not intro me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I did not want this next comedian coming to the stage has AIDS. That's perfect. | ||
| You should have taken that and run with it. | ||
| You should have run with it. | ||
| Because thank God he told me to, because you know when you're walking the stage and you get hit with that like... | ||
| Like when I did my first Comedy Central TV show, it was Premium Blend years ago. | ||
| Harlan Williams hosting. | ||
| Hey there, buttercup muffin top pumpkin biscuits. | ||
| And my whole closing joke is all about Star Wars. | ||
| And Harlan, right between, like, go from his to mine. | ||
| You know, they have mine totally scripted. | ||
| They know exactly what I'm going to say. | ||
| But Harlan, because he's the host and he's the celebrity, he's allowed to do whatever he wants. | ||
| Does this big Star Wars bit. | ||
| No. | ||
| And that's my closer. | ||
| And I'm, like, walking on the stage just going, it's over. | ||
| Mencia did that to Johnny Sanchez during a TV tape. | ||
| Well, this is Harlan's original bit. | ||
| Oh, and I'm sure. | ||
| But, I mean, Mencia did it on purpose. | ||
| Oh, he did? | ||
| He used to do guys' bits right before you do their closing bits before you bring them up. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Listen, man. | ||
| There's a reason why we went after that guy. | ||
| I've never heard that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, they were doing like Loco Slam or one of those fucking shows. | ||
| And Johnny Sanchez is a very funny guy and a great dude. | ||
| Really, really nice guy. | ||
| And he had this great joke about a neighbor that actually really happened to him. | ||
| Like this crazy Persian guy who would always accuse people of parking in his parking spot. | ||
| And he gets pissed and he speaks his broken English. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| This motherfucker does the bit, like, as he's bringing up. | ||
| It's Johnny's closing bit. | ||
| So he's going on to a television show. | ||
| He does his closing bit. | ||
| That's beyond, like, just trying to get a laugh. | ||
| That's, like, sociopathic. | ||
| Oh, totally, yeah. | ||
| There's a pathology there, for sure, with that guy. | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
| But, you know, I haven't heard anything about it in a year, so I'm hoping he's not doing it anymore, and he's got his shit together now. | ||
| But, yeah, at the time. | ||
| So when you had happened, just a total accident. | ||
| Yeah, it was a total accident. | ||
| But, you know, at the time, I'd probably only been doing comedy, like, six years or so. | ||
| And I was just like... | ||
| Oh, no, that's devastating. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| You don't even have, like, good stage legs in the first six years, right? | ||
| No, and I was just like... | ||
| Anything can throw you off. | ||
| But it's more than that. | ||
| It's the whole fucking TV aspect of it, where you're like, well, what if I change my final bit now? | ||
| Are they going to get Matt? | ||
| Because you have to have everything approved. | ||
| Can you do a bit? | ||
| Can you do a Star Wars bit after he does it? | ||
| Is it possible? | ||
| No. | ||
| It takes a lot of wind out of sails, right? | ||
| Yeah, it really did, and it was a shitty joke anyways, but looking back, I'm like... | ||
| We were in Vegas, and it was me, and I think it was Joey Diaz, maybe Eddie Bravo, I don't remember, but we were there for some fights, and Harlan was playing at the Palms, so we went to see him. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| I love Harlan. | ||
| He's hysterical. | ||
| Every time I see him, you know, he's just, hey, there, fella. | ||
| He's, like, super friendly. | ||
| He's just such a warm guy. | ||
| Anyway, he goes on and he's fucking killing. | ||
| We're having a great time. | ||
| All of a sudden, the fire alarm goes on. | ||
| Like, attention. | ||
| You know, it was like... | ||
| Was it a fire alarm or an emergency alarm? | ||
| I don't remember what it was. | ||
| But there was a... | ||
| Like this crazy, really loud thing. | ||
| And Harlan played through it for 10 minutes. | ||
| He's that guy that's funny in every circumstance. | ||
| Well, you know what he is? | ||
| He doesn't get mad about shit. | ||
| You know like he really didn't get mad and it was kind of funny that this guy was in the middle of his show and he was never like but was really fucked up was we were just sitting there were like this ain't real like a real terrorism joke they could have been fucking you know like oh Taliban running in with machine guns and shit oh fucking the Japanese tsunami would happen and I'd be sitting on the beach because I don't trust any like anytime they're like we need to evacuate I'm like fuck off Yeah, most of the time. | ||
| In college, I stayed in my 22nd floor dorm room while a fire alarm was going off. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| Because they would always make us go down, come back up. | ||
| Yeah, that's better than burning to death, trust me. | ||
| You're silly. | ||
| You're a silly man. | ||
| I didn't trust them. | ||
| I want to know, though, why you went to Colorado. | ||
| So that, well, I just didn't want to live in LA anymore. | ||
| I think, my theory is, this is what I've always said, is that there's too many human beings in one spot. | ||
| And it's just like rat population density studies where they take rats and they put two rats in this cage and they're fine. | ||
| And then they put four. | ||
| And then by the time you have a bunch, you have all these crazy behaviors. | ||
| You have rats sitting in the corner, shaking, and the nutty rats, aggressive rats. | ||
| I just think there's, without a doubt, you get a certain amount of energy from people. | ||
| You get a certain amount of energy from the people that you're around. | ||
| And if you're in a tense neighborhood, you absorb a certain amount of that tension. | ||
| It's very difficult to relax. | ||
| And whenever I've been to places that have a lighter population, like Boulder, for example, Boulder, Colorado is only 100,000 people. | ||
| Is that where you were living? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you drive around, everyone's driving slow, no one's tense, there's no one running red lights. | ||
| All the cuntiness of Los Angeles doesn't exist there. | ||
| And yeah, you've got to deal with some snow, but you deal with a nicer class of people. | ||
| It's because it's people that aren't under the gun. | ||
| And you take people out of this environment, like me, and you put them over there, and you calm down. | ||
| Ask anybody about Los Angeles. | ||
| There was just a study that people hate, people from Los Angeles. | ||
| And I said, that's because we always tell you what the temperature is. | ||
| When you call someone, hey, I'm in Boston. | ||
| It's 70 degrees here. | ||
| I'm wearing shorts. | ||
| There's that, but please. | ||
| There's a real issue with why people come here. | ||
| Like what you said, they should call a daddy doesn't love me on the sign. | ||
| That shit's taxing after a while. | ||
| It's taxing and it's also that overpopulation thing. | ||
| You take away the traffic out of L.A. Take away the population. | ||
| It's a pretty nice place. | ||
| Oh, it's beautiful. | ||
| Mountains and oceans. | ||
| It's great, but fuck. | ||
| It's not as nice as Boulder, though. | ||
| It's not as nice as Australia. | ||
| Looking at the visuals of Boulder. | ||
| What was amazing to me was that you could drive around and you'd look at these mountains. | ||
| If this was a painting, it would be worth a billion dollars. | ||
| It's like the most incredible natural piece of artwork, and it's in front of you every day. | ||
| Cool people, too. | ||
| Yeah, and it has a tangible effect. | ||
| When you're looking at mountains, like there's a place in Colorado that I really like called Evergreen. | ||
| It's a suburb of Denver, and my God, the view there is insane. | ||
| We looked at this one house, and I just sat on the porch, and I couldn't even fucking believe that they would allow you to live there. | ||
| How long did you stay? | ||
| Four months. | ||
| Why'd you leave so quickly? | ||
| My wife got pregnant. | ||
| We were way high in the mountains. | ||
| We were at, where we were was 3,000 feet above Boulder. | ||
| So it was 8,500 feet. | ||
| It's really high. | ||
| And you can't be pregnant up there. | ||
| First of all, even regular women that live in Boulder itself, which is 5,000 feet in Denver, There's a really high rate of premature births because of the oxygen. | ||
| There's no air up there, man. | ||
| I would work out in my yard and do these kettlebell drills that I do, and you'd really feel like there's not enough air in the world. | ||
| You can't get any air. | ||
| It's thin. | ||
| Walk upstairs and you're tired. | ||
| It's really thin up there. | ||
| So for her, it was brutal. | ||
| The morning sickness was intolerable. | ||
| And then on top of that, It's just real tricky up there when it's snowing. | ||
| We were in the mountains and mountain lions and bears and shit. | ||
| There's a lot of real stuff up there. | ||
| Oh, you have cats, yeah. | ||
| Well, a dog got killed by a mountain lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| That happens a lot. | ||
| Drink. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| It's just not... | ||
| It's very rare that it happens because there's so much for them to eat up there. | ||
| It's very rare that one will attack a human... | ||
| But you, every now and then, could be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and you find an old one that doesn't have sharp teeth anymore, but it could still kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Ah, that would kill me if my dog killed. | ||
| But it's so gorgeous up there, man. | ||
| My wife says it's the calmest I've ever been. | ||
| She's ever known me in my life is when we were living up there. | ||
| Dude, you need to go to Australia. | ||
| No, you know, Australia's cool, but first of all, it's not America, so that would bum me out. | ||
| And then as cunty as America could be, it's still where I was born, and I'm used to it here. | ||
| I could get used to it, like in terms of like if America was the apocalypse and Australia was the way it is now, for sure I'd move. | ||
| That kind of happened to me, where I went there and I was like, oh, I could do this. | ||
| I still have family, you know, here. | ||
| And that's the thing, I can't, being that far from my family, otherwise, like, Arge is there. | ||
| Arge went and he's... | ||
| And he lives there, right? | ||
| Yeah, he's got this big house and lives there. | ||
| Well, he's a huge superstar over there, right? | ||
| People don't understand what a big superstar is. | ||
| Like, if you walk down the street here in America with, like, a famous – like, even how famous you are, you know, you're going to get recognized. | ||
| Like, if you walk down, like, a C Street, how often would you get recognized? | ||
| It depends on if there's a bunch of young dudes with tattoos. | ||
| If you see young dudes with tattoos, most likely I'm getting spotted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But him, like, we'll go through a town like Adelaide and every five feet someone's going, Arch Parker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's like they saw... | ||
| It's like Chick scene Brad Pitt. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I go... | ||
| Why would he come to him? | ||
| When I first started hanging out with him, I was like, you're fucking super famous. | ||
| You're like Pauly Shore in the 80s famous. | ||
| How did you use that reference? | ||
| Because you think about it. | ||
| That's back before people had 500 channels and before people had the internet and before where you only watched... | ||
| Like five things on TV. That's what they have back there? | ||
| Well, they've just lately. | ||
| I mean, they used to have... | ||
| They don't have cable? | ||
| They do have cable, but not a lot of people have it. | ||
| Do they get American channels? | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| And now everybody, because of the internet, everybody's watching everything on the internet and DVDs and everything. | ||
| And they take a lot of our movies and put them on TV, but shitty movies and shitty sitcoms and stuff like that. | ||
| Remember when it was impossible, like if you had a DVD from there, it was a different region? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Still is. | |
| Really? | ||
| Still is. | ||
| What is that nonsense about? | ||
| PAL and NTSC. I don't know, but... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| PAL and NTSC, doesn't that exist with VHS? Isn't that VHS? No, it's DVDs. | ||
| DVDs. | ||
| DVDs? | ||
| Video games. | ||
| But with VHS, there was an issue with that too, right? | ||
| Wasn't there? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's always been. | ||
| It's a signal that I believe that their TVs use, I think. | ||
| Because I remember I got a multi-region DVD player just so I could watch the Ali G show from England. | ||
| Because it's a totally different kind of DVD. If you play, like on my Mac, if I play a PAL DVD, it'll say you only have five more viewings. | ||
| And my old Mac switched over. | ||
| What the fuck is that, man? | ||
| What is that bullshit? | ||
| And I had to buy software to convert it back, and it was like... | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was a third-party software? | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It has something to do with the cameras because I remember we were editing. | ||
| When I made my movie, we had some cameraman overseas and then we'd have to have all that tape. | ||
| We were shooting on mini-DV at the time. | ||
| We'd have it converted and it was such a process and I'd go, why? | ||
| And they're like, actually, I think there's more pixels or something in a PAL. I'm not sure. | ||
| Well, it makes sense that there's two different formats. | ||
| I didn't agree on it. | ||
| What doesn't make sense is your computer can switch back and forth, but only five times? | ||
| Yeah, I don't understand. | ||
| Brian, do you know? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I never saw that before. | ||
| I'm sure we're going to get... | ||
| All of us are going to get emails and Twitters. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure the tweets. | ||
| The tweets will come rolling. | ||
| And I'm going to get yelled at for something was inaccurate. | ||
| Well, you should see the fucking... | ||
| What Callan gets. | ||
| The abuse Callan gets when he comes on here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Starts talking about U.S. history and gets shit. | |
| Just misses a whole chapter somewhere along the line. | ||
| Not this, you know, he's not super knowledgeable about a lot of shit, but Callan's one of those dudes who would read a book and then yell at you for not knowing this five minutes after he read it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you realize, okay, Japan... | |
| 1945! | ||
| That's a great impression. | ||
| But you believe him, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Well, he's right a lot of times. | ||
| He tells it so passionately. | ||
| He's a great storyteller. | ||
| You know, that's one of the beautiful things about having friends like Callan or you or Joey Diaz or Jim or any... | ||
| When you have friends that are comics, it's like, God damn it, it's so entertaining. | ||
| You know, when people talk about, like, doing this podcast, like, well, you guys are putting out so many podcasts. | ||
| Why is it a lot of work? | ||
| Well, there's work to it. | ||
| You know, you have to upload it. | ||
| Like, Brian has to do the dirty work. | ||
| But as far as the work of actually sitting down and talking, it's the funnest time ever. | ||
| It's what we do anyway. | ||
| Well, it's a crazy thing. | ||
| It's like we never really took advantage of the resource that was us and our friendships until podcasts came along. | ||
| When we had radio shows, if you would go on someone's radio show, it's very rare that you could just bring in all your friends with you on the radio show and put on... | ||
| You had to interact with these DJs and that was their thing and that was it. | ||
| So it's like you never really got a chance to sit down purposely. | ||
| We're going to meet at 3 o'clock. | ||
| We're all going to sit down. | ||
| We're going to smoke some weed. | ||
| We're going to drink some coffee. | ||
| Let's talk some shit about all kinds of things. | ||
| That would be a great thing to do. | ||
| But nobody ever schedules shit-talking sessions. | ||
| But because of the fact that everyone is going to hear about this, and it's going to be something that goes on the internet, and people are going to enjoy it, then we started doing it. | ||
| And the coolest thing about it, what I love about your podcast, is you guys... | ||
| You just talk, and comics are interesting people because We have a lot of time on our hands. | ||
| So most people have to do their job and that's why they're really good at their job because they do it. | ||
| We do our stand-up and then we have a lot of extra time and our stand-up comes from our extra time of us thinking and philosophizing and in doing so we all acquire lots of hobbies and lots of things we get into and we're all of a kind of weird kind of mindset. | ||
| Like to be a comic you have to be a bit OCD, a bit neurotic. | ||
| There's all these different aspects of it. | ||
| So you compile all that, you've got like a certain type of individual. | ||
| And so we all have a knowledge base that's like we have generalized knowledge, not a lot of specialized knowledge, but we have a general knowledge of all these different things. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then we're able to also spin humor into it. | ||
| It's fucking, it's like… The greatest people to hang out with. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For us. | |
| And I'm glad that everyone, people go, aren't there too many podcasts? | ||
| No, it's fucking great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Well, not only that, I think it's really cool that right from the beginning, everyone has sort of helped each other out and everyone has promoted each other. | ||
| You know, from the beginning. | ||
| I mean, Corolla, and I'm doing Corolla's show in a couple weeks, and when I'm doing it, we're going to record these little things where, you know, I do an ad for his podcast, he does an ad for our podcast. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| But we always do that. | ||
| I mean, Ari, you know, texted me, said, hey, I got this gig coming up, I'm recording in Denver, can I do your podcast? | ||
| Yeah, sure, come on over. | ||
| It's like we all work together. | ||
| I can't thank you. | ||
| You helped me with this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| It's really cool. | ||
| I mean, it's a beautiful thing to do. | ||
| Our podcast, this is no lying. | ||
| I'm not blowing smoke. | ||
| We get to see the numbers on Libsyn and how we're doing. | ||
| We get our biggest spikes when, like, I'll do your show. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| When I do your show, Jim gets on your show and never talks about our podcast, so fucking nothing happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He sells more DVDs. | ||
| You forgot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I get on here and plug talking shit and seriously, like you can see – and what happens is it spikes and then it will plateau for a while and then I'll do like your show or Jay Moore's or Corolla's or something and it will spike again. | ||
| So it's showing that like the audience is coming and they like it and they stay. | ||
| And that's why I always tell other guys with podcasts, I'm like, come on my show and be a guest. | ||
| You'll get – our audience will then start listening to your show. | ||
| If they like you on our show, they're going to listen to you. | ||
| Like there's a guy, Brian McCarthy, who's the funniest fucking guy alive. | ||
| He's not a comedian. | ||
| We have him on our podcast and he's just – you know how you found these guys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He's just a guy I found hanging out in a comic book. | ||
| Just a funny dude. | ||
| The funniest fucking crazy dude in the world. | ||
| That's his skill. | ||
| His gift in life is being an interesting dude to be around. | ||
| And he has a podcast now on National Lampoon, the Brian McCarthy interview show. | ||
| And he's just fucking... | ||
| He came on our podcast one time and just told us... | ||
| He told three stories that were three of the best stories I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| One, he fucked a post-op transsexual. | ||
| And tells the story, and the episode's called, I'm Gonna Eat This Dude's Cunt. | ||
| And it's the funniest story you'll ever hear because he's so brazen about it. | ||
| Then the next story he told, he got arrested smuggling pot from Jamaica in a boombox when he was 20 years old and stayed in prison for a month because he didn't want to let his mom know. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| So he rode it out. | ||
| You know, they set your trial, but you can have bail. | ||
| You can post bail and get out. | ||
| So he stayed in prison for a long time. | ||
| He just stayed in jail, and the other dude was crying every day that got caught with him. | ||
| He's like, no, my mom will kill me. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| His mom must have been terrible. | ||
| Yeah, I thought he was kidnapped. | ||
| His mom was scarier than jail. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's what he said. | ||
| Imagine that for pot. | ||
| He's just the funniest fucking dude. | ||
| I like a guy like that who the industry has turned their nose up and won't fucking give him nothing. | ||
| Like Joey Diaz. | ||
| Until Joey Diaz started coming on this podcast, people didn't realize how brilliant he really is. | ||
| Because they see him on stage, he's talking about eating ass, touching your muffler. | ||
| They're like, we don't want to have nothing to do with this guy. | ||
| He's too crazy. | ||
| But then from the podcast, people have become big, big fans of his and they realize that he's complex. | ||
| We're real lucky in having comedians for Friends. | ||
| For other people, I'm saying this right now, and for sure there's someone out there going, I don't want a fucking needy ass comedian as my friend. | ||
| But we understand each other, like a guy like you, or a guy like Callan, or me. | ||
| If you and I were, if I didn't even know you, but we ran into each other in an airport, and I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm a comic. | ||
| Oh, I'm a comic too. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Alright. | ||
| What are you gigging? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| I mean, it would be instant. | ||
| As long as you're not a douchebag. | ||
| Well, Stan Hope wrote that great, great fucking blog about that. | ||
| About running into comics? | ||
| No, about why he hates Dane Cook and you're not allowed to. | ||
| And it was fucking genius. | ||
| But he said to his fans, basically, he's like, at the end of the day, if I saw Dane Cook in an airport lobby or whatever, and I saw you, I'd go hang out with Dane Cook. | ||
| He's like, because I'd have more in common with Dane Cook than you. | ||
| And I could talk to Dane, and we have shit to talk about. | ||
| He's like, you're a fan. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| That's a weird way of separating yourself from all the people who pay attention to the person. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| The point Stan Hope was making was he was saying that everybody – he had a problem with Dane, and his problem was Dane called him a hater and said that he was jealous of him. | ||
| He's like, I'm not jealous of you. | ||
| I just – and he explained why and it was – he said, look, nobody was jealous of Chris Rock or Jon Stewart or Dave Chappelle when they got famous. | ||
| He goes, we're not jealous of you. | ||
| We're angry. | ||
| And it was a problem because they had this thing over – Stan Hope calling him on the phone, and it was just, it's a whole long thing. | ||
| But at the end of the day, he was saying, you know, like, here's my problems with them. | ||
| And it's a comic having a problem with a comic, over comic issues. | ||
| Like, you people that don't like Dane now, like you fans that don't like Dane, you're jumping on the bandwagon not knowing why... | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| I disagree, though, because I think a lot of people don't like people because it's just not their style. | ||
| And if you like a certain type of music and I don't like it, I'll shit all over that music, you know? | ||
| I mean, that's just what people do. | ||
| It's not an enlightened thing to do. | ||
| No, I think there's now in comedy that so many people are aware of not just comedy, like what they like, but the clicks of comedy. | ||
| Aware of who's an easy target, a safe target? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And it's like, for a while, Dane was getting bashed so hard that I just wanted to get on the other side and be like a Dane supporter. | ||
| Well, I'm sure people would have loved to bash Chris Rock if he had like a chink in his armor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or even Dave Chappelle. | ||
| If he had something wrong with what he was doing, they'd like to go after him, too. | ||
| I think when people look, when you're real successful, and they look, if they find something, fuck yeah, they're going to harp on you. | ||
| But if they don't find something, then you're Chris Rock. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You're just a brilliant comedian, and that is what it is. | ||
| It's not stealing. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| Not bullshit. | ||
| And I think that's really where it's at. | ||
| Because it's not just black eyes. | ||
| It's Louis C.K. Nobody hates on Louis C.K. Nobody hates on Louis C.K. He's doing... | ||
| Except Brian. | ||
| Brian hates on him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I had an old manager. | ||
| You might have been with this guy at one point. | ||
| James Dixon. | ||
| Do you know James? | ||
| Sure, I know James. | ||
| Baby doll. | ||
| He said to me when I was like... | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Wild man. | ||
| Some of the best advice I've ever had in comedy. | ||
| Some smoke hash under a glass. | ||
| First guy ever seen... | ||
| Smoked hash under a glass. | ||
| I didn't know how he did that. | ||
| He put it on a pin. | ||
| He lit the hash. | ||
| I thought he was a drug addict. | ||
| Because I was like 25 and shit. | ||
| I was like total straight edge. | ||
| Fucking aggro. | ||
| I would love to have just been able to see you. | ||
| Like somebody smoking a joint around you or something. | ||
| Yeah, I'd roll my eyes and be like, look at this loser. | ||
| James said – best fucking advice. | ||
| He goes – I used to call him. | ||
| I was like 24 years old just doing – just starting stand-up. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And he'd go, just be undeniably funny. | ||
| And I'd go, but what about – like they're coming to see me and should I – he'd go, just be undeniably funny. | ||
| And I'd go, what else? | ||
| Should I go to acting? | ||
| Be undeniably funny. | ||
| He goes, that's your job. | ||
| I'll do everything else. | ||
| Just do that. | ||
| That's a good agent. | ||
| And then I said to him recently, I was like, you didn't mention you've got to be undeniably lucky, too. | ||
| He goes, yeah, I've seen a lot of lucky guys, and they've made it big, but they've never stuck. | ||
| They don't stick around. | ||
| Because they're like lottery winners. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, you've got to really have it. | ||
| And the guys that are, like you're saying, like Chris Rock and... | ||
| Well, also, it has to be a passion of yours. | ||
| I've spent a lot of time doing things that were not a passion of mine. | ||
| I spent a lot of time doing other people's stuff, like other people's TV shows. | ||
| It was all fun times, but there's such a massive difference between doing something that you're really passionate about and putting all that energy and that reward that you get from that. | ||
| There's nothing like that. | ||
| That's where real success comes from. | ||
| Real success comes from transferring that passion and then people go and experience it and they feel it and it's pure and it's real. | ||
| You know, your stand-up is really just sort of a vehicle for getting out the greatness inside of all of us. | ||
| You know, whether that greatness manifests itself in piano playing or it manifests itself in, you know, you're a great basketball player or you're fucking awesome at editing videos. | ||
| What that thing is, it's just finding that in yourself and providing something to other people that gives them this energetic reaction. | ||
| You know, when they're sitting in the audience, it's laughter. | ||
| If you go to see Honey Honey, it's not laughter, but it's this other crazy, weird, satisfying thing where it's beautiful music. | ||
| That is what it's all about. | ||
| And unless you're doing that, you're not going to be happy. | ||
| Unless you're finding whatever the fuck it is in life that makes you do something. | ||
| And it always seems to have something to do with how other people appreciate your work. | ||
| Because it's like if you're a chef, you want people to appreciate your food. | ||
| If you're a carpenter, you want to appreciate what you've done and you've built this house. | ||
| It always seems to have something to do with giving something or producing something and creating something that other people feel good about. | ||
| Whether you're a lawyer who gets a guy out of a tricky situation because you really love the law, you have this passion for the law. | ||
| Whatever it is, it always seems to come down to How much passion do you have for it and how much does it positively affect people? | ||
| That's how you've got to structure your life. | ||
| That's why a lot of people get really lost and they just try to do things for themselves. | ||
| They just try to get ahead for themselves. | ||
| They just try to do well for themselves. | ||
| In doing so, you're like a person who's got this massive vitamin deficiency. | ||
| You're taking all this vitamin D, but you don't have any C. There's no C in your system. | ||
| You're missing vitamin love. | ||
| Everything you're doing is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Move me, myself, and I. I will become selfish until I make it. | |
| I don't have time to be nice. | ||
| But you don't understand. | ||
| You don't have a choice. | ||
| You will not be happy. | ||
| You won't be successful. | ||
| If you make it, you'll be miserable. | ||
| You'll end up fucked up on booze or drugs or whatever. | ||
| You're at an imbalance point if you're thinking solely of yourself. | ||
| It's like your greatest work and your greatest feelings will all come in And creating something that you're passionate about that other people are going to enjoy. | ||
| Seems to be that that is a big key to life. | ||
| That it has to be, to really truly be a happy person, you have to be doing something that other people are enjoying as well. | ||
| Oh yeah, there's no fucking doubt about that. | ||
| Because when I hear people take antidepressants, I don't have any imbalance, any mental imbalance that I know of. | ||
| If I do, it's workable. | ||
| But when I hear people taking things to make them happy, I go, wow, man. | ||
| Imagine not being happy. | ||
| Imagine spending most of your time not being happy. | ||
| I don't feel that because I'm happy all the time. | ||
| I'm not happy all the time. | ||
| I'm a pretty happy person and people have said that to me. | ||
| For a comedian, comedians are all, you're pretty happy. | ||
| I go, why look for happiness? | ||
| If you're intelligent, you gravitate towards happiness. | ||
| Yeah, I try to find all the things that make me happy. | ||
| I go surfing, it makes me happy. | ||
| I go work out at the gym, I like that. | ||
| I love my girlfriend, she makes me happy. | ||
| I found her, you know, like my dogs, they make me happy. | ||
| I go out, I hang out with my friends. | ||
| Like do the things that make you fucking happy. | ||
| Like when people go, I hate my job, I hate my life. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Yes, you can. | ||
| There's ways. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| It's certainly not easy. | ||
| It depends on how, you know, if you swam all the way out to the middle of the ocean and you go, I've got to get back to shore. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Well, you got here, it's going to take a long time. | ||
| You've got to get better the same way you got sick. | ||
| It's not easy to get back to shore. | ||
| But, you know, if you had swam only a few feet and didn't get a mortgage and didn't have kids and didn't have 20 years and waiting for your pension and then if you just get out in six years, then you'll have full health insurance until you're dead. | ||
| There's people that cannot ever pull the trigger to jettison themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I just had this argument with a friend who was telling me they're depressed. | ||
| And I said, well, like, look, what do you need? | ||
| What would – like, let's take the steps. | ||
| And they're like – can I get a coconut water? | ||
| They're like – That's not the thing you say to someone that's depressed. | ||
| And I'm like, look, I'm here to say, let's find the path. | ||
| What does that mean, man? | ||
| What does that mean, that's not the thing? | ||
| It's not one universal thing you say to someone that's depressed. | ||
| And I haven't read the book about what I'm not supposed to say to people that are depressed. | ||
| I don't know what's going on in someone's head. | ||
| Because I know for sure I'm wired different than other people. | ||
| I've reacted different. | ||
| And how much of it is nature? | ||
| How much of it is nurture? | ||
| What the fuck do I know? | ||
| I don't even think that's an exact science, by the way. | ||
| I think there's a lot going on in the school of psychology that's theoretical and there's a lot of shit going on. | ||
| They still don't know exactly why a person is the way they are, so I don't know what the fuck makes someone happy. | ||
| Have you seen the stuff the dude that teaches the class on happiness at Harvard? | ||
| He teaches a class at happiness? | ||
| There's a class. | ||
| I think it's Harvard Business School. | ||
| You can watch some of his stuff. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what wouldn't make me happy. | ||
| Teaching a class on being happy. | ||
| That shit would not make me happy. | ||
| Well, this guy, no, but he talks about some cool shit. | ||
| He, apparently, it's like the most coveted class at Harvard. | ||
| Like, it signs up and you can't get into it because it's the first one. | ||
| Because it's easy credit? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, it sounds easy as fuck. | ||
| This is a puppy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it make you happy? | |
| Cheeseburgers make me happy. | ||
| He's done a lot of studies on happiness, which is pretty amazing. | ||
| I think one of them was he said that after $70,000, like in America, after you make $70,000, your happiness is not congruent with your financial level. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| That means you've got bad friends. | ||
| You've got to learn how to party properly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a pussy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. | ||
| Who are you hanging out with, dude? | ||
| We could do some damage with some money. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I got a friend who literally is a... | ||
| I shouldn't even talk about this. | ||
| Let's just say... | ||
| Let's figure out how to filter it. | ||
| I got a friend with a lot of money. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Like a lot of money. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And this friend used the money. | ||
| For a while he didn't. | ||
| And then I was like, dude, do you know what you can get with what you have? | ||
| And then it clicked one day and then he had slip and slides on the top floor of the fucking wind with chicks naked fucking running down the slip and slides. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Well, fucking midgets dressed in or little people dressed in stormtrooper outfits are serving him drinks. | ||
| Like, he went and did it. | ||
| Sounds like a douchebag. | ||
| No, but I mean, he just... | ||
| Sounds like heaven. | ||
| He just did the Michael Jackson thing where you have so much money, you're like, I want to live in a tree, and I want to have a monkey, and I want to have... | ||
| You know, like, you just start going fucking crazy, and like, let's see how we can just spend this money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, you know, the next thing you know, he's just totally fucked up. | ||
| You know, just... | ||
| It crippled him mentally and he ended up in rehab and all kinds of shit. | ||
| That can happen when you're looking for that empty happiness or you're looking for happiness through substances. | ||
| People say, you're a hypocrite dude, you're getting high all the time. | ||
| First of all, I take weeks off. | ||
| I don't have to get high all the time. | ||
| I like getting high. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| I think marijuana is one of the only vices that I really don't have any problem with. | ||
| As long as you get all the other shit done in your life and you use it to enhance things that you're doing. | ||
| I was just going to say, my agent in Australia is the fucking greatest guy that's ever lived. | ||
| And my agent gets everything done... | ||
| All the time. | ||
| And he's fucking amazing. | ||
| And he joked with me once. | ||
| He said about getting high. | ||
| You can be productive. | ||
| I know so many productive fucking people with marijuana. | ||
| Super productive. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of writers. | ||
| Beyond writers. | ||
| People get shit. | ||
| The mentality I am, if I smoked pot, I'd be way more productive. | ||
| Because when I used to smoke it, I was better. | ||
| But I just can't smoke it. | ||
| Well, you just had one bad thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two. | |
| Did you tweet me about this? | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| Yeah, we talked about this on The Green Room. | ||
| Yeah, he tweeted me. | ||
| He was in horror. | ||
| He was just couch locked. | ||
| Joe was my go-to guy. | ||
| And I thought, here's a guy that's going to talk me down off the ledge. | ||
| You just need your medicine. | ||
| A lot of people say milk helps you when you have a bad trip from shrooming. | ||
| Even if it doesn't, you have that in your head. | ||
| Somebody told you milk. | ||
| Do you have milk around? | ||
| You ever have that happen again? | ||
| You drink a glass of milk, you'll feel it. | ||
| I started getting panic attacks from it, and people told me, like Bert Kreischer told me, to get Xanax. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not taking Xanax. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Stick with the milk. | ||
| He's like, take Xanax. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not taking Xanax. | ||
| And he goes, you just put it in your pocket. | ||
| He goes, you don't ever use it, but you know it's there. | ||
| What? | ||
| Bert, you silly bitch. | ||
| I think Bert was the one who told me. | ||
| That sounds like Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Just keep it in your pocket. | ||
| Put it in your pocket. | ||
| It's always there. | ||
| I go, Bert, do you ever have a panic attack? | ||
| And he goes, fuck, every day. | ||
| And I go, what do you do to stop them? | ||
| He goes, have kids. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because I said I was having... | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| It's your self-indulgence gets a backseat. | ||
| Yeah, I was having trouble getting... | ||
| A lot of the anxiety was happening on planes and stuff. | ||
| I'm claustrophobic. | ||
| And they lock the doors of the plane. | ||
| I'm like, I want off this fucking plane. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When that pilot flipped out, I'm like, I get it. | ||
| I'm always afraid I'm going to be that guy. | ||
| Yeah, I have like a claustrophobia thing of like... | ||
| But you fly so much. | ||
| So much. | ||
| And I don't like sitting on a runway. | ||
| I like when we take off. | ||
| I don't like when we pull up the gate and they're like, oh, we're not going to be able to pull into the gate for another 20 minutes. | ||
| That's when I'm like, open the fucking door. | ||
| What is it about comedians that are such control freaks? | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It is a control freak. | ||
| Someone said something to me a long time ago. | ||
| It was comedian Tony V. And it literally became a tool that I use in my life. | ||
| He was driving back and forth from Boston to New York on a regular basis, and that's a long drive, a couple hours at least, even if you're going fast. | ||
| And I said, I go, how are you doing that every day? | ||
| And he goes, I just go zen. | ||
| I'm in my car, and I go, this is what I'm doing. | ||
| I'm driving the car. | ||
| And I just, that's... | ||
| That's how much time it takes, and I don't worry about it. | ||
| I just do it. | ||
| And I was like, wow, that is the way to think about it. | ||
| Because, you know, it's like you'd start, goddammit, why don't they pull this thing? | ||
| And you realize how much energy is wasted on something that you're never going to have any effect on whatsoever. | ||
| And if it takes two hours to drive somewhere, it takes two hours to drive somewhere. | ||
| Unless you hit a fucking wormhole and find yourself on the other side somehow, you know, it takes two hours to drive there. | ||
| You just have to go zen. | ||
| And it's a tool I use now. | ||
| So whenever I'm in... | ||
| Any sort of a situation where, you know, if it's bad weather, I just go, this is what I'm doing now. | ||
| I heard some fucked up shit recently about flying and pilots. | ||
| This girl I know told me, like, I can't say who it is, I can't say what airline or whatever, but she knows this pilot, and he was talking about how he had to go to work. | ||
| She goes, oh, that sucks. | ||
| Are you tired? | ||
| He's like, that's why I can't wait to go flying. | ||
| That's when I get the best sleep. | ||
| I guess when they take off, the co-pilots fucking sit there, push a button, go to sleep, and they get woken up near the city. | ||
| Why is that scary? | ||
| Because it's just like if you imagine like going into a cockpit of an airplane, everyone's fucking sleeping. | ||
| Yeah, one guy stays awake at a time. | ||
| I think they probably do shifts. | ||
| But I think the way those autopilot things work, unless there's a situation where they run into crazy weather and they wake right the fuck up. | ||
| I don't think it's that big of a deal. | ||
| It seems like it should be, but it's not like you're driving on a windy road. | ||
| You're just flying in a direction. | ||
| Yeah, they put it on autopilot and it just fucking goes. | ||
| I know a chick who's a pilot, and I'm not going to tell you the airline, but she fucked another pilot while they were flying. | ||
| Oh, what a dirty bitch. | ||
| A commercial airliner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a dirty bitch. | |
| I love her. | ||
| And she wasn't flying the big ones, but she was flying maybe a two and a one, two seats on one side, one on the other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dirty bitch. | |
| Can't even make the big leagues. | ||
| She's up there fucking riding a dude. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| And I thought about that. | ||
| I'm like, I would like that. | ||
| I would like to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I would like that. | |
| That if there's a female pilot up there, she's fucking up there. | ||
| That makes me feel good. | ||
| It's Ari Shafir and I were on a plane once. | ||
| And the woman comes on over the loudspeaker. | ||
| Hello, this is your pilot. | ||
| And Ari goes, what? | ||
| A woman? | ||
| What? | ||
| And we're like, oh no. | ||
| I hate that uncomfortable shit. | ||
| It was just, dude, don't do this. | ||
| Don't do this right now. | ||
| Jim Jeffries was on a plane that a dude died. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| On the plane. | ||
| I would hate that. | ||
| Was with his wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| And he dies. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And it's like fucking like England to Australia or something. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So he's dead? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's dead. | |
| I go, Jim, what did they do? | ||
| And he goes, they like took him to the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| And like covered him with like a blanket. | ||
| And I'm like, what did she do? | ||
| He goes, she just sat there. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Fucking cock. | ||
| I can't imagine. | ||
| I watched the lady go into a seizure. | ||
| It was really creepy, man. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It was right after September 11th, too. | ||
| She was right behind us. | ||
| On a plane. | ||
| Yeah, she starts, starts seizureing. | ||
| And they go, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. | ||
| This happens sometimes. | ||
| I guess epileptic people, they just go into seizures. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that a bunch. | ||
| My friend Jay, Jay Helfert, he's a pool player and spent most of his life like gambling and playing pool. | ||
| He's playing this guy and the middle of the set, the guy falls down to the ground and starts bucking and kicking and making these noises and the guy was losing and he assumed that the guy was doing it to try to get out of the game. | ||
| Because dudes will do things to shark you. | ||
| They'll do things to distract you. | ||
| And he was looking at it like, wow, this is a new one. | ||
| This guy is faking a seizure. | ||
| But really, the guy was an epileptic. | ||
| And it was like a normal occurrence. | ||
| Like he'd be in the middle of his day, and he would just fall to the ground and start bucking and twitching. | ||
| So he didn't help him? | ||
| He didn't help him. | ||
| Did the guy die? | ||
| Someone helped him. | ||
| Someone came over and helped him. | ||
| There's a video on YouTube. | ||
| I think you can find it. | ||
| And we played it on our podcast. | ||
| There's a comedian that died on stage in England. | ||
| Died. | ||
| Fell off the stage and died. | ||
| Well, fucking Gallagher's had like 18 heart attacks on stage. | ||
| I know. | ||
| This guy just fell off the back of the stage, but he was that kind of comic, too. | ||
| So they think it's part of his act, and then eventually his son runs on stage and kind of is like, this isn't a joke. | ||
| That'd be kind of a cool way to go. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| You know, why not? | ||
| What's better, that or Shark? | ||
| You would kind of ruin the show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Shark would be horrifying. | ||
| Maybe it would make it better. | ||
| What if you were bombing and that was how you pulled yourself out of it? | ||
| I saw a guy do that on a golf course once. | ||
| He died? | ||
| No, somebody misses a putt and he just does a feint. | ||
| And I thought, that's a fucking cool trick. | ||
| You're going pretty far to show how bad that affected you. | ||
| And I'm sitting there and all of a sudden I see a woman jump over the railing of a six foot high porch. | ||
| Jump over it and just sprint down to it. | ||
| And I went... | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
| And so I just ran and called 911. And I was like, fuck that. | ||
| What happened to him? | ||
| He died. | ||
| They said he was dead when he hit the ground. | ||
| Which is heart attack or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sometimes it just stops, man. | ||
| You ever blow a piston in your car? | ||
| Just driving down the highway and bang! | ||
| Black smoke. | ||
| You pull over the side of the road. | ||
| Have you ever thought you were having a heart attack and then you burped? | ||
| No. | ||
| I get indigestion. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| I've gotten indigestion so bad where I'm like, fuck, I'm getting these crippling chest pains. | ||
| And I'm like, I guess this is it. | ||
| I'm going. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And then all of a sudden I'll burp and I'll be like, I'm going to live! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| Really? | ||
| Have you ever had that? | ||
| Yeah, I get it all the time. | ||
| I get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My heart double beats. | |
| It freaks out. | ||
| You get double beats? | ||
| It's mostly all because of like, oh yeah, I had onions on my subway. | ||
| Onions? | ||
| Onions can fuck you up? | ||
| Shit like that fucks me up. | ||
| Beer, alcohol fucks me up. | ||
| I don't get it anymore because I'm a nerd about my diet. | ||
| I eat the paleo diet and... | ||
| And I fucking am religious. | ||
| How did you become this fitness nut? | ||
| I mean, because your choice of attack is like CrossFit. | ||
| Like, how did that... | ||
| Well, I ran track in college, like, all my life. | ||
| And then got into, like, I was an ocean lifeguard. | ||
| And I was doing, like, ocean lifeguarding competitions and stuff like that. | ||
| And then I got into, like, triathlons. | ||
| And I was always doing it on the sly. | ||
| It was almost like I'd go out and party really fucking hard. | ||
| Like, really hard for, like, two weeks. | ||
| And then I would go, like, feel shit about myself and try to clean up. | ||
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
| And it was like here and there, here and there. | ||
| And then finally, I just said, all right, this has got to fucking stop. | ||
| I'm a mess. | ||
| Like, I'm a mess. | ||
| When I'd go to the UK, I'd spend three months over there where I would drink at lunch. | ||
| And we would go out for lunch for beers and I would drink till showtime. | ||
| Drink, you know, they'd bring me a couple pints backstage at the show, do the show, and they'd go out and party all night. | ||
| And I'd come home from England just feeling like a piece of shit. | ||
| And I was like, alright, I better do something. | ||
| So I started working out and then I found that I liked body weight exercises like pull-ups, push-ups, sit-ups and stuff because I didn't want to get big. | ||
| Because I like to run still. | ||
| And I found the Navy SEAL workouts. | ||
| So I started doing Navy SEAL workouts online. | ||
| And then they said, we don't have a workout today. | ||
| Go to CrossFit. | ||
| And I was like, what's this fucking CrossFit thing? | ||
| So I went to CrossFit. | ||
| I'm like, what is this fucking weird community of people? | ||
| And it's fucking weird, dude. | ||
| It is a weird group of people. | ||
| It is a weird group of people. | ||
| The idea is they're different exercises every day. | ||
| Every day you're shocking your system. | ||
| Yeah, shocking your system with metabolic conditioning. | ||
| It's a combination of gymnastics, weightlifting, and sprinting. | ||
| And... | ||
| And it's – the whole idea is prepare for the unknowing. | ||
| Like you never know what you're going to get. | ||
| Like in weightlifting you might do your legs one day and then you take a week break to let your muscles recuperate. | ||
| But if you're a mixed martial arts guy or a cop or a fireman or a military guy, You don't know what's happening day two. | ||
| So they might throw fucking legs at you day two and day three. | ||
| That's not good though. | ||
| Not good in one aspect, but good in another. | ||
| Your adaptation levels start getting higher and higher. | ||
| Or you tear your ligaments. | ||
| Not necessarily, because if you learn good form, which is what they try to teach you, is learn the proper technique and then you won't have the injuries and you won't have the problems. | ||
| But aren't you like, the whole idea about working out is supposed to give your body time to recover. | ||
| Is that like a battle, a seesaw? | ||
| I'm a three-day-on, one-day-off guy. | ||
| Three days on, one day off. | ||
| Which is what they prescribe. | ||
| But you look at the guys who are now at the competitive level. | ||
| The guys that are competing, that are the top CrossFitters in the world. | ||
| If you look up this guy, Rich Froning Jr., just watch any YouTube video of him. | ||
| You're going to go... | ||
| This guy's fucking inhuman. | ||
| Inhuman. | ||
| Like, this is impossible what he's fucking doing. | ||
| You want to see impossible? | ||
| Brian, pull up Goggins Iron Man. | ||
| G-O-G-G-I-N-S Iron Man on YouTube. | ||
| There's this fucking dude who's a Navy SEAL. And it's some of the fucking crazy shit. | ||
| The dude who came in second at the CrossFit Games last year is a seal. | ||
| They call him the toughest athlete on the planet. | ||
| This dude, like, regularly runs... | ||
| Where does it say? | ||
| Does it say Goggins Ironman in the upper left-hand corner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, click on that. | ||
| This dude ran a 48-hour race. | ||
| It's a mile track, and you run for 48 hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Just wrap your head around that. | ||
| No brakes. | ||
| No brakes. | ||
| No rest. | ||
| The guy that runs CrossFit Endurance. | ||
| But what it is, is you're pushing your limits. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Listen to this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just to test my soul. | |
| To see what I'm about. | ||
| To see in a 150 mile race at mile 75 when I feel really bad. | ||
| That's when you know. | ||
| That's the only time you can find out what the human body is all about. | ||
| What you're made of. | ||
| To find out limits to myself. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen this dude a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Limits to the human soul. | |
| and every day I'm trying to see if I have limits. | ||
| I run anywhere from 125, 150 in a week. | ||
| So I'll try and put in about 450 miles a month. | ||
| Running! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Usually every day I wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning and I run anywhere from 10 to 15 miles in the morning. | |
| And then I live about 25 miles from work. | ||
| So I get my bicycle, commute into work, do a normal work day at lunchtime around noon. | ||
| I'll run again. | ||
| It's an ultramarathon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
5 to 8 miles, whatever it may be. | |
| Come back, work, and around 5.30 I'll ride back home 25 miles on my bike. | ||
| I've considered doing one of these. | ||
|
unidentified
|
bike and do like a short three or four or five mile run. | |
| That's my everyday life. | ||
| So I don't just train like an hour or so. | ||
| I train until something is uncomfortable. | ||
| And then that's when you know who you are. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| There's a thing called CrossFit Endurance. | ||
| It just never ends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've done some races where you're on a one-mile track, And you're running for 48 hours straight. | |
| So imagine running 48 hours on a one-mile track. | ||
| And it's not like you're sleeping. | ||
| You're running for 48 hours, as many miles you can get. | ||
| I'm gonna talk about mind torture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's so fascinating that there's dudes that are constantly trying to explore the limits of what you can pull off. | ||
| Well, we were just talking about this yesterday. | ||
| We had Andy Petronik, who owns CrossFit LA, on our show, and he was talking about where it's come from and what it goes. | ||
| It used to be that guys, they used to give awards for if you could do, like, 40 pull-ups. | ||
| There's guys that blow out 107 in a row now. | ||
| Now, do they do straight arm? | ||
| No, we do a kipping pull-up, but I can do 40 in a row. | ||
| Without even thinking. | ||
| Can you really? | ||
| Fucking simple. | ||
| Do you grab it palms outward or palms towards you? | ||
| I go palms outward and it's just like when we jump rope you jump two at a time always and now it's advancing to three at a time and like three swings under your feet each jump. | ||
| And it's just you're learning that man just evolves and gets better and better and adapts at things. | ||
| We have a workout called MRF, where you run a mile, then you do 100 pull-ups, then you do 200 push-ups, 300 air squats, And then you run... | ||
| 300 air squats? | ||
| Yeah, and then you run... | ||
| You can break it up in any order. | ||
| So we do like 5, 10, 15, 5, 10, 15. Wait a minute. | ||
| Are you talking about Hindu squats where you go all the way down to your heels? | ||
| Oh, the crease of your hip has to break the crease of your knee. | ||
| Okay, so your ass does not touch your heels? | ||
| No. | ||
| Your hips, though, have to go below your knee crease. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's not quite as hard as Hindu squats, but I can't imagine that you can do all that and do 300 of those. | ||
| So you run a mile, then you do 100 pull-ups. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| 200 push-ups, which we do hand-release push-ups. | ||
| So your chest touches the ground, you release your hands, and then go up, and you're thinking, that's easier? | ||
| No, it's harder, trust me. | ||
| Your chest is touching the ground on every push-up. | ||
| And then you do 300 air squats, then you run a mile. | ||
| That's called MRF. That's a workout. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Add to it, now, a 20-pound weight vest. | ||
| But without a 20-pound weight vest, a guy in our gym did it in like 24 minutes. | ||
| And he did it, like it takes me like 36 minutes or something to do it. | ||
| He did it in like 24 minutes, and he did it He was doing his miles in like 515 or 520. Like a mile, he would run in 5... | ||
| With a backpack on. | ||
| No, he didn't do that one with the 20 pound vest. | ||
| It goes substantially higher with the vest on. | ||
| But the times are just coming down and down and down and the pull-ups and the weights are... | ||
| What about injuries? | ||
| Are people getting more injured now? | ||
| I think people do sustain injuries just like they would in MMA and everything else. | ||
| Well, we have a big problem with that in MMA these days. | ||
| You are. | ||
| And I think with the NFL, we talk about that on my show a lot because like my girlfriend's dad's an ex-NFL football player and he's got two artificial hips, two knee surgeries, and two shoulder surgeries. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, they become like bionic men. | ||
| How's his dome? | ||
| He's pretty good. | ||
| He's a very successful businessman but like I got a buddy who's a CrossFitter who's a Super Bowl fucking – he's a CrossFitter now but he was in the Super Bowl. | ||
| This guy has won the Super Bowl. | ||
| He's won national championship in football and high school championship in football and he is – he's got all these injuries from football. | ||
| But like he will tell you that CrossFit is like keeping him in the game because like there's nothing better for your back they say than doing deep back squats. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| You know, like that's fundamentally what's good for your spine. | ||
| Now, if you're doing it with improper form, you're going to fuck yourself up. | ||
| You're going to fuck your butt. | ||
| When you go deep, when you do a deep squat, like how far down does your ass go? | ||
| All the way? | ||
| Same kind of thing where I'm going to – mine goes really deep because – That's where you're going to get your explosiveness at the top. | ||
| People don't understand. | ||
| They think, oh, I don't want to go that low. | ||
| And I'm like, I want to get as low down as I can because right there is where your nerve are going to fire and you're going to be able to explode. | ||
| Dude, we need to get you to do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You're overflowing with manly exercises and you don't have an outlet for them where you can see your progress other than the exercises themselves. | ||
| We've got to get you in. | ||
| You want to come tonight? | ||
| What are you doing tonight? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It'll be the fucking panic of me. | ||
| I've been choked out before. | ||
| No, you won't. | ||
| Listen, you don't spar your first day, man. | ||
| You learn some moves and you learn positions with people. | ||
| It's not like you're just allowed to get mauled. | ||
| It's also, Callan told me once, I was talking to Callan because I wanted to take Krav Maga. | ||
| I had dinner one night with John Mayer and John Mayer is a big fucking Krav Maga guy. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, he loves that shit. | ||
| And I had just been robbed. | ||
| I had a guy break into my house while I was there. | ||
| I'm upstairs in my house. | ||
| I come down the steps. | ||
| There's this black dude standing in my house. | ||
| And I go, what's up, dude? | ||
| He dressed as a wizard. | ||
| It's an inside joke. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| He goes, I'm looking for David King. | ||
| And I go, who's David King? | ||
| He goes, is this his house? | ||
| And I go, no. | ||
| He goes, must have the wrong place. | ||
| And he walks out the door and I'm like, So I kind of walk out. | ||
| My dog was a puppy at the time. | ||
| I didn't want her running around. | ||
| So I follow him out, and then I take the dog back up inside. | ||
| I come back out. | ||
| I go, yo, dude, what's... | ||
| Who's David King? | ||
| And he kind of looks at me, and then he starts to run. | ||
| And he's already—he's got about 150 meters on me. | ||
| And I was like—I ran Division I track in college, and I was a sprinter. | ||
| And I'm like, this dude has no idea how fast this white guy is, and I'm going to fucking catch him. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to catch this—because, you know, he was just in my house. | ||
| He just fucking robbed me. | ||
| And I'm like— What did he have when he steal from you? | ||
| When I took the dog back in, as I go inside, I see my pants were on the couch. | ||
| And I look, and the wallet's out of the pants, and everything's stripped out of the wallet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So when I go back out, I go, that's when I sprinted after him. | ||
| So you're ready to die for your credit cards? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, no, I don't know. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| This is what I'm telling you, my aggression problems. | ||
| You should, really. | ||
| So I chase this dude. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, like, and when I turned the corner, he had just disappeared. | ||
| Thank God, because I live in Venice, and my buddy's like, dude, he's a shoreline crip. | ||
| He would have come back that night and put a bullet in your head. | ||
| You're an idiot. | ||
| Yeah, you're so silly. | ||
| In retrospect, I tell John Mayer about this, and Mayer goes, you've got to read the book Gift of Fear. | ||
| He's like, read that book, and then go take Krav Maga. | ||
| I tell Callan I'm going to Krav Maga, and Callan goes, no! | ||
| No, not you. | ||
| You will bring it on yourself. | ||
| He's like, if you know how to use it. | ||
| It's like having a gun in your house. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, so I don't have a gun. | ||
| I don't have fucking anything. | ||
| That's good to tell people on the internet. | ||
| I'll tell you what, I got guns. | ||
| You come to my house, I'm going to choke the fuck out of you if I get a hold of you. | ||
| I disagree with Callan. | ||
| If anybody had a lack of self-control as a young man, it was me. | ||
| That's one of the reasons my parents didn't actually want me doing martial arts because they were worried that I was going to start using it on people. | ||
| That was the number one fear in our house. | ||
| I had to convince them I wouldn't do that. | ||
| But you wouldn't do that. | ||
| You'd get self-discipline. | ||
| But it allows you, you know, at least if that guy jumped on you, attacked you, or didn't have a knife or something, you know, where it was a weapon, you're in trouble, at least you can kind of defend yourself. | ||
| You know, you put yourself in a better position. | ||
| And it's a great way to exercise, a great way to blow off steam, and it's interesting. | ||
| You're actually learning something. | ||
| You're learning, like, a language, the language of how to strangle people, how to break arms, how to get to positions. | ||
| And you learn these moves. | ||
| I mean, The interaction between two human beings and they're grappling. | ||
| There's an infinite number of positions and moves and different places to go to. | ||
| So it's very intellectual. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu is really completely underappreciated as an intellectual exercise. | ||
| I already threaten enough people. | ||
| You wouldn't do it, man. | ||
| I never threaten people. | ||
| You wouldn't do it. | ||
| I've been doing martial arts my whole life. | ||
| I don't think I've ever said, I'm going to kick your fucking ass to someone. | ||
| I do it on stage once a year. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I don't ever do that. | ||
| At least once a year, somebody will push me. | ||
| Like you were saying, Harlan, I laugh through everything. | ||
| But at a certain point, I have a snap where I'm just like, that's it. | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
| That's going to get you hurt, man. | ||
| Come to jiu-jitsu with me tonight. | ||
| What are you doing tonight? | ||
| Come watch. | ||
| He doesn't want to touch other guys. | ||
| Don't be silly. | ||
| I don't want to roll around. | ||
| Where do you go? | ||
| Do you go to 10th? | ||
| Hollywood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come with me. | ||
| I have to go to Hollywood for something. | ||
| You're coming. | ||
| Not tonight. | ||
| I'll go another night. | ||
| There is no tomorrow, Rocky. | ||
| Like Apollo Creed said, there is no tomorrow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tomorrow. | |
| Tomorrow is good. | ||
| I got a bulging disc right now. | ||
| Just watch! | ||
| I'll go. | ||
| Just watch. | ||
| I'm not telling you to get in there and get crazy. | ||
| You have a bulging disc. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Brian will set you up, so I'm going to take care of that. | ||
| Well, listen, man. | ||
| Been a fun podcast. | ||
| We've done like three hours, man. | ||
| Time flew by. | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| Two hours and something. | ||
| Always, dude. | ||
| Always a good time, my brother. | ||
| Always good to see you. | ||
| Always good to run into your clubs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks for having me. | |
| Anytime you want to come on, man. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| I love doing this show. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| And I've got to come on yours, too. | ||
| Someday. | ||
| We'll do it. | ||
| We'll work it out. | ||
| Our fans ask us constantly. | ||
| Do you do it once a week now? | ||
| Is that what you're doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We do it. | |
| We've always done it once a week. | ||
| We do Monday nights, and that's the problem because you wrestle on Mondays, don't we? | ||
| Yeah, most of the time. | ||
| But I'll take the night off. | ||
| I'll do it in the day. | ||
| Okay, Eddie Ift and Jim Jeffries have a podcast on iTunes. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| Please check it out. | ||
| It's called... | ||
| Come see me at the Hollywood Improv. | ||
| How do you... | ||
| It's not talking shit because they pulled it off. | ||
| Talkin's hit. | ||
| Talkin's hit. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| So you just moved to space over. | ||
| Very, very clever. | ||
| Talkin's it. | ||
| Hit. | ||
| Hit. | ||
| Talkin's hit, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I'm at the Hollywood Improv this Saturday. | ||
| Two shows I'm headlining. | ||
| Oh, that's beautiful. | ||
| The Hollywood Improv on Melrose, one of the best clubs in the whole country. | ||
| It's an amazing spot. | ||
| It's like really intimate seating and it's going to sell out. | ||
| So if you're interested, go online and just Google. | ||
| You know how to do that shit. | ||
| You're smart. | ||
| You gotta rush the stage? | ||
| Oh yeah, somebody got rushed on the stage there. | ||
| Randy Kagan. | ||
| Randy Kagan? | ||
| Do you know the story about him? | ||
| I don't know him, but I saw the whole thing and he has no idea why the guy went up there. | ||
| Guy just went crazy? | ||
| Yeah, just fucking decked him. | ||
| What was he talking about when the guy decked him? | ||
| He was doing a joke on California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The guy wasn't heckling previously. | ||
| There was no fucking reason or rhyme. | ||
| He was just crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That happens. | ||
| Go out there in the world, you can run into crazy football. | ||
| That's why I should know jujitsu. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| It would help you tremendously, dude. | ||
| Especially telling me you threaten people once a year. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Life is short. | ||
| Enjoy this shit. | ||
| Thank you to everybody. | ||
| Thank you for all the love on Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff. | ||
| We appreciate the fuck out of you guys. | ||
| Thanks again for everybody who came out to Atlanta this past weekend. | ||
| For my filming. | ||
| Couldn't have been better. | ||
| You guys are the shit. | ||
| We're beyond lucky to be in the situation where we have a show like this. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck it happened. | ||
| Brian, do you know how it happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The internets. | |
| The internets? | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, something happened. | ||
| It all coalesced together in some sort of a magical form. | ||
| And we're very fortunate. | ||
| And we think about that all the time. | ||
| We were very appreciative. | ||
| So thank you very much to everybody. | ||
| Tomorrow, Mad Flavor, a.k.a. | ||
| Joe Diaz. | ||
| What the fuck, cocksucker? | ||
| He's going to come down and regale us with stories of old school criminal adventures and his ball sack, which, by the way, got him kicked off of Facebook. | ||
| Purple vein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hysterical. | |
| That is so The cover of his documentary, he decides, Joe Rogan, this is going to be the cover of my documentary. | ||
| He's going to say, this is it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's beautiful. | |
| It's my balls, and they're hanging out there with fucking, there's a vein, a beautiful vein, and I'm pulling out, and it says, where I got my balls. | ||
| That's the name of my special, my documentary. | ||
| Wouldn't that be like his dad's balls then? | ||
| Yeah, you would assume. | ||
| I mean, it's a metaphor. | ||
| So he's going to change it and it's going to be the actual picture. | ||
| He's a two-pronged attack. | ||
| The first prong is show people his balls, create a shock wave, which I guess he's achieved. | ||
| And then prong two is a different photo than it has already prepared. | ||
| Clever Joey Diaz. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| I'm going on tour with him. | ||
| Yes, you are. | ||
| And the first gig in Columbus is sold out, right? | ||
| The first show in Columbus is sold out. | ||
| The second show, there's some tickets left, and that's May 17th. | ||
| May 18th, it's Cleveland. | ||
| And how do people find out about this? | ||
| How do they get their tickets? | ||
| Just go to deskwad.tv. | ||
| It's right at the top. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Deathsquad.tv. | ||
| And so that's it. | ||
| We'll see you guys tomorrow. | ||
| And thanks for everything. | ||
| I can't thank you guys enough. | ||
| You guys are the shit. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight for being our first and original sponsor of the podcast. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link for The Fleshlight. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN. And you will get yourself a big, fat, juicy 15% discount for a real good product. | ||
| Eddie, did you want one? | ||
| I have one. | ||
| Do you want one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure. | |
| Boxes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Eddie F's going to fuck one tonight, maybe, perhaps. | ||
| He has a girlfriend. | ||
| Maybe he won't do it tonight. | ||
| He'll take it on the road if you're really brazen. | ||
| I'll just do it in front of her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You're an animal. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| That's CrossFit coming out of you. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood, the 5-HTP enhancing supplement. | ||
| All the answers to all your questions are on onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Please Google nootropics. | ||
| Do your due diligence before you take any supplement. | ||
| Don't expect miracles, but expect it to actually increase your brain's ability to process information, and it makes you talk cleaner. | ||
| It actually pumps up your body's ability to produce neurotransmitters. | ||
| It's all very controversial, but something that I absolutely stand by and believe in. | ||
| The first 30 pills, when you order it, it's 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| You're not going to get ripped off. | ||
| You don't like it. | ||
| You try it like this isn't for me. | ||
| You get all your money back. | ||
| You don't even have to return the product. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the AlphaBrain link, enter in the code name ROGAN, and you will get 10% off any and all orders. | ||
| Kettlebells are coming. | ||
| They should be here probably in the second week of May, the first wave of kettlebells. | ||
| The second wave are going to blow your fucking mind, but they're taking a long time to build. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't wait. | |
| They're so ridiculous. | ||
| How ridiculous are they? | ||
| I just can't wait to talk about them. | ||
| I'm not even exaggerating. | ||
| You guys have your own kettlebells? | ||
| I'm going to show you something that's going to blow your fucking socks off, Eddie Ift. | ||
| That's it, you dirty bitches. | ||
| We love you from the bottom of our black monster hearts. | ||
| I don't even know what that means. | ||
| I'm stealing Lady Gaga's names now. | ||
| See ya. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| I ran out of words. |
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