April 10, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:31:35
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
One. | |
| Boom. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| I'm tweeting, and I'm doing this at the same time. | ||
| I just don't feel rushed. | ||
| It smells when you tweets. | ||
| I want to keep it together. | ||
| What? | ||
| It really stings when you do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you... | |
| In what way? | ||
| Your fingers smell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that true? | |
| You have stinky fingers? | ||
| I do have stinky feet sometimes, but no, my fingers never stink. | ||
| But that would be the weirdest thing, man. | ||
| If your fucking fingers stunk, like stinky feet... | ||
| That would be like a major deal breaker. | ||
| Well, it's kind of weird. | ||
| You've definitely been with a vagina that smells like an armpit before, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, some girls don't smell like an armpit. | ||
| I wish my vagina smelled like an armpit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You like that VO smell? | ||
| That sounds great, yeah. | ||
| The Joe Rogan experience is brought to you by the Fleshlight, speaking of pussies that smell like armpits. | ||
| Would you consider getting a Fleshlight model of your vagina if they offered you a tidy sum? | ||
| I would do it for a 15-minute set at the Improv. | ||
| I could do that. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the fleshlight and enter the code name Rogan and you save yourself 15% of the number one sex toy format. | ||
| It's a fucking solid product, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I'll tell you what, there's nothing we will ever sell. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| We're in the middle of taking on some new sponsors. | ||
| There's nothing we'll ever sell on this show that we don't believe in. | ||
| And that's something I believe in. | ||
| We should start selling the improv.com then, Joe, because that is the best comedy club ever. | ||
| And a 15-minute spot for Amy Schumer to become a fleshlight mold sounds like an awesome idea. | ||
| Well, you know, the improv, I'd have to say, if you want to go with, like, a solid chain of comedy clubs across the country. | ||
| You're going to model your pussy. | ||
| Don't do it for free, at least. | ||
| The improv's the number one comedy chain across the country. | ||
| That's a strong move. | ||
| I'm at the improv on Thursday. | ||
| I love the improv. | ||
| It's got a great domain. | ||
| They do it right. | ||
| Yeah, they do it right everywhere. | ||
| We just did the improv in Louisville. | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| It was the shit. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| Every improv is just solid as a rock. | ||
| They know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| Every comic should be happy that they're around. | ||
| But not as good as the Pasadena Ice House. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Pasadena Ice House. | |
| This is a Bass City Nice House. | ||
| Look, they're all awesome. | ||
| I love the improv. | ||
| I love this place. | ||
| I love, you know, little comedy clubs like that. | ||
| We can support it. | ||
| And we're helping support it with this podcast, actually. | ||
| This podcast actually makes the club money. | ||
| So it's nice. | ||
| We do shows here, and we pay them rent. | ||
| This place is booming lately, man. | ||
| Marc Maron's been here lately. | ||
| It's killer. | ||
| It's a great club. | ||
| It's been here since 1950 or something crazy like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like Europe. | ||
| This is insane! | ||
| For real, I do believe it. | ||
| I think it just celebrated its 50th anniversary. | ||
| Not kidding. | ||
| So I was exaggerating, but only slightly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The gold one. | |
| That's incredible, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that the gold one? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Anyway, we're also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| Is a maker of a bunch of different nutritional supplements, most notably Alpha Brain. | ||
| That's one that I get behind. | ||
| I took two of them right before we did the show. | ||
| I take them all the time. | ||
| Every time I'm going to do a set, I take them. | ||
| If I have anything where I need to form coherent sentences and not stumble over my words like a retard, I take them. | ||
| I think it works. | ||
| If you want to find out about it, go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, and Google nootropics. | ||
| It's a very fascinating subject, pros and cons against. | ||
| One thing I will tell you about Onnit, when you order something, the first order, your 30-pill bottle, you have a 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| You don't have to return it. | ||
| You can eat it all and say, it sucks, I want my money back, and you get 100% of your money back. | ||
| So that is to try to let people know that the last thing we're trying to do is rip anybody off. | ||
| Making money is second to making sure that no one feels ripped off. | ||
| These are all supplements that I use and I have used before I ever endorse this company. | ||
| I use them independently, especially a lot of the contents in Alpha Brain. | ||
| Not so much Shroom Tech Sport and Shroom Tech Immune, which are really fascinating. | ||
| Shroom Tech Sport being one that actually enhances your body's absorption of oxygen, gives you a little bit more endurance. | ||
| And it's got B12 in it, which also gives you a little bit more endurance. | ||
| Both of those together, it's a great combination. | ||
| It's based on the cordyceps mushroom, which they found people in high altitudes were eating to help them cope with the altitude. | ||
| And there's a Shroom Tech Immune, which is a different mushroom supplement for your immune system. | ||
| And then there is New Mood, which is a 5-HTP and L-tryptophan serotonin-boosting supplement. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the code name ROGAN, you'll get 10% off all orders. | ||
| Alright, let's go. | ||
| Start. | ||
| Giggle. | ||
| Tell me what you were giggling about after the music. | ||
| Ready, 3, 2, 1, launch it! | ||
| Amy Schumer's here! | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day! | |
| That was the worst one ever. | ||
| DJ makes a lot. | ||
| I have a whole new setup today. | ||
| He doesn't even practice. | ||
| He only does it when we're live on air. | ||
| It'll take two seconds to practice. | ||
| That's when he learns what it does. | ||
| What does this one do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm using all new equipment today. | ||
| This is the best time to experiment. | ||
| What were you giggling about before? | ||
| Well, earlier you were saying if you can't cope with altitude, you know, to take one of those pills. | ||
| And I'm thinking about being really high up going, I can't cope with this. | ||
| I'm going, oh, here's some new mood. | ||
| Oh, it feels better now. | ||
| I wonder if it would work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's probably too late. | |
| You'd never know because, yeah, when you get too high and then if you took something, how would you know if you just got over being high or if the stuff took it down a notch? | ||
| You'd have to be super experienced. | ||
| It's too late. | ||
| You know, and there's also like, you know, how much time had you taken off between that session and the last session? | ||
| Because if you just take like five, six days off and then reset yourself... | ||
| You can get yourself scary high. | ||
| You don't realize if you get high every day that you kind of build this weird acceptance and tolerance for the high state. | ||
| But if you step off for five, six days, a week or so... | ||
| It'll punch you in the neck. | ||
| That's how I feel right now. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Bad friends. | ||
| Listen, it wasn't my idea. | ||
| I told you to just do what your instincts tell you. | ||
| Both of you, it was like I was being hazed by... | ||
| Do what your instincts tell you. | ||
| I was like, I just got out of the hospital. | ||
| You were like, your friends are doing it. | ||
| I did not say that. | ||
| I would never say it that way. | ||
| The kid was begging for weed. | ||
| I was like, listen, your health is number one. | ||
| I was like, I really, you guys, I just got out of the hospital. | ||
| You guys were like, this will answer your prayers. | ||
| It's good for people to just get out of the hospital. | ||
| It's medicine. | ||
| Let me ask you, you said you got food poisoning. | ||
| I ate a crab cake in Phoenix like a dickhead. | ||
| Oh, yeah, how's a crab get all the way to Phoenix? | ||
| I'm such a, like, I'm like, this is good. | ||
| And then I'm like, you know, I like knew halfway through. | ||
| I was like, huh, but I'm hungry. | ||
| So I powered through, like, I'm such a fucking worthless. | ||
| And then... | ||
| And I was, like, really excited about my show that night. | ||
| I was supposed to be at Stand Up Live, and I was, like, all fired up. | ||
| I was manic. | ||
| I was in the gym with my opener and my friend Jackie. | ||
| We were just, like, dancing. | ||
| I was like, the show tonight, David Spade was going to come. | ||
| I've never met him. | ||
| I think he's really funny. | ||
| And this, like, cute wrestler. | ||
| A pro, like, WWE guy? | ||
| Yeah, and I was just, like, excited for the show. | ||
| And then I was like... | ||
| And then just vacating. | ||
| Like, every hole in my body was getting a ton of use. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And I still was like, I'll be able to do the show showering and puking in the shower. | ||
| And then finally the club manager came over and was like, you are dying. | ||
| And they took me to the hospital. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And the doctor was like, they put me on morphine and all this stuff. | ||
| No one ever says, so they took me to the hospital. | ||
| The doctor's like, you fucking pussy. | ||
| Go home. | ||
| Everybody always has, like, the story, it's always, and then the doctor said, you were moments away from death. | ||
| Ten more seconds, and you would have been fish food. | ||
| We wouldn't have been able to help you. | ||
| Literally one more minute. | ||
| If we don't get her to the operating table right now. | ||
| The doctor said, had I not come in, I would have been uncomfortable for another ten minutes. | ||
| No. | ||
| He was like, it's good that you came in. | ||
| I might have had diarrhea. | ||
| Yeah, but the thing is, when you're that dehydrated, you can't drink water. | ||
| You just puke and puke. | ||
| I don't know how people sneak it in, but they kept me overnight. | ||
| And the woman next to me was so much worse than me. | ||
| I felt bad for being there. | ||
| What was her deal? | ||
| Like, I never saw her, but she sounded like an old black woman. | ||
| And she was, like, puking and praying. | ||
| So she was like, bleh, like this weird kind of... | ||
| And then she's being like, don't turn your back on me, Lord! | ||
| I was like, bitch, she's gone. | ||
| He is gone. | ||
| She's definitely dead. | ||
| She's definitely dead. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| So you can really die from food poisoning, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's rare in the US, but I mean, yeah, you can. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| I was in Koreatown the other day, and it's really scary how many B's and even C's I think I saw in Koreatown. | ||
| Like, it's not normal. | ||
| Like, almost all the restaurants, and I ask somebody, like, why is there so many B's and C's? | ||
| And they're like, oh, because we don't have a connection. | ||
| You know, like, you know, in Hollywood, it's like, hey, I got this. | ||
| Here's some extra money. | ||
| Look the other way. | ||
| That sounds like some Korean bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly how it's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please. | |
| Yeah, we're not willing to pay them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, if it was some kind of scam. | ||
| They don't trust our soap. | ||
| Like, what does it take to close? | ||
| Do you have to fail? | ||
| Like, are D's opening? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've never seen a C. Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think I've seen a C. I think I saw a C. What has to happen to get a C? I don't know. | |
| Somebody died in it? | ||
| You would just be the most mediocre motherfucker. | ||
| If you look back at what a C meant to you in high school, I got C's and shit that I didn't even remotely try in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They didn't try. | ||
| They're like, I don't know when that's from. | ||
| I think it's probably still safe. | ||
| We smelled it. | ||
| A C? You get a C just by being there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And absorbing every tenth word. | ||
| Just for having a bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| A C? Really? | ||
| And you're allowed to keep serving food? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, this was an A place. | ||
| I wonder, yeah, well, you know, if you go to other countries, I wonder what that would be like. | ||
| If you went to Singapore and you see all those street vendors, you know, what do you think they would get? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me. | |
| Excuse me, do you know what your rating is in Zagat? | ||
| They're just like, I have no legs. | ||
| You're like, oh, sorry. | ||
| Sorry, people. | ||
| A lot of that apparently is going on right now with food trucks. | ||
| And food trucks have become like an artsy sort of a thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a food truck festival at this mall near my house. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was like all these food trucks pulled up. | ||
| And it was like everybody had a different theme. | ||
| You know, there was a food truck that was just waffles. | ||
| This guy had crazy waffles with all kinds of different fruit toppings and shit. | ||
| And then another one was this, you know, like really healthy vegan one. | ||
| Another one was this wild, you know, Mexican. | ||
| And it's like what they're doing is they're getting away with having amazing food but not having to pay rent somewhere. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, I've seen those in, like, San Jose and Austin. | ||
| It's like a circus comes to town. | ||
| They just, like, fill up, and it's like the trendy, like, we don't need a restaurant. | ||
| It's kind of cool. | ||
| It really is kind of cool. | ||
| I don't want to, like, what do you do? | ||
| You stand there and you eat? | ||
| Yeah, the problem is the lines suck it. | ||
| The lines are terrible. | ||
| So it takes 20 minutes to get everything. | ||
| It takes 20 minutes to get everything. | ||
| But you get all these different, you know, you're wandering around with all these smells. | ||
| Like you're walking past this dude who's making fresh waffles. | ||
| You smell the hot syrup of, you know, whatever berry sauce that he's pouring on it. | ||
| And then you walk by next to that and some Mexican dude is frying up some carne asada. | ||
| And you're like, God damn it. | ||
| Damn, that smells good. | ||
| I hate seeing cultures mingle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| All those smells together. | ||
| When you go to a restaurant, you don't get to walk right by where the food is cooking that close. | ||
| And you're walking by a truck, you're like 15 feet away from when that food is cooking. | ||
| It's too real for you. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's too much reality. | ||
| I feel it in my bones. | ||
| I think it's cool, though. | ||
| I think it's cool that they can make really cool food and they don't have to pay rent somewhere. | ||
| They just have to get a truck, one-time investment, and then tweet to people where they're going to be. | ||
| Right, that's the thing. | ||
| It's like speakeasy. | ||
| You have to get the word. | ||
| Fuck, Twitter is so amazing. | ||
| When you think about that, follow me on Twitter. | ||
| Here's where I'm going to be selling my burritos. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And then it's like the cool place to go. | ||
| Everybody's like, holy shit. | ||
| That's a fucking brilliant idea. | ||
| That is brilliant. | ||
| And there's your screenplay. | ||
| That's contributing even more. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| David Spade. | ||
| You said you know him, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I just want to wait. | ||
| We just kind of met. | ||
| I've met him before. | ||
| I'm pretty good friends with him. | ||
| Joe, please don't. | ||
| I've met Adam Sandler as well. | ||
| Let's get them all together. | ||
| I know several famous... | ||
| Have you ever had someone try to pitch you a terrible idea? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Or just pitch you jokes in conversation. | ||
| You're just like, oh, God. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They try to give you jokes to say on stage? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| They'll just slip it in in conversation. | ||
| By the way, you ever think, and you're just like, please stop. | ||
| Let me get a shower. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| My mom will do it. | ||
| Your mom will come up with jokes? | ||
| Yeah, my mom will. | ||
| She like... | ||
| Yeah, she did it the other day. | ||
| She talked about how in the bathrooms, the automatic, you know, you put your hand under the paper towels, they come out. | ||
| And she just thought it was so funny to walk around the bathroom trying to get everything. | ||
| And I was like, Mom, please. | ||
| I'm not, I'm never going to use anything you give me. | ||
| Please. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Could you imagine if you did all the shit you would take? | ||
| What if it became your closing bit? | ||
| I'm like, I love my mom. | ||
| Could you imagine that your mom would never let you let her go? | ||
| She would never let her go. | ||
| I made your closing bit, young lady. | ||
| How much did you make last year from doing your stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And think about how much better it is with my closing bit! | |
| You're channeling my mom right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I just gave her an accent. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| I just went with general cunt. | ||
| Yeah, cunt in general. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it was. | ||
| There was no race behind it. | ||
| Just what a cunt, I thought. | ||
| In general. | ||
| Such a cunt. | ||
| Does your mom, Harbor Secret, wants to be a... | ||
| I'm not calling your mom a cunt, by the way. | ||
| This is an artificial mom. | ||
| I call her a cunt on stage. | ||
| Is she one for real? | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| She's so cool because that's the only thing, like the only rule she has for me, I'll talk about everything. | ||
| Like I talk about her vagina, everything on stage. | ||
| But I won't, but she's like, just don't call me a cunt if I'm there. | ||
| So what I say is, I'll be like, my mom's here tonight and I promised I wasn't going to call her a cunt and I'm not going to. | ||
| And she's still after the show is like, Thank you. | ||
| Thank you for not doing it. | ||
| I'm like, you're the best. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| No, she's pretty cool with letting me talk about whatever. | ||
| It's one of the coolest things about having friends that are comedians. | ||
| You can actually say that your mother might be a cunt and you know they're not going to be upset. | ||
| Oh my God, nothing. | ||
| No comedian even flinches. | ||
| I remember you did a roast and you said something about Patrice's grandmother's asshole. | ||
| I thought it was so funny because I knew that you guys were friends. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was my favorite joke to say. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| Sarah Silverman wrote to me after that. | ||
| It was like, after a gospel brunch. | ||
| That was her favorite joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, yes. | |
| I was psyched. | ||
| It was just so silly that you did it. | ||
| It was so much like a bunch of comedians sitting around talking shit to each other. | ||
| I mean, that is completely something that Brian would say if you were eating breakfast with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, when I fucked your mother's brown, dirty asshole. | ||
| But see, we're so used to each other that then when we're out in the world, I forget. | ||
| Last night, I went up to the roof of my hotel, and I looked around. | ||
| I came out to the front, and the host goes, he was like, do you come in the back door? | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| And he was like, the back door? | ||
| And I was like, I said, are you making an anal joke? | ||
| And he was like, no. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| And I was just like, it was such an awful moment. | ||
| But I'm like, I'm not used to talking to people that that wouldn't be okay to say that in front of me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, can you imagine if that's the first words a dude says? | ||
| The back door? | ||
| The back door, yeah. | ||
| The back door? | ||
| I'm like, anal, right? | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| I was like, oh, right. | ||
| I'm disgusting. | ||
| Can you imagine if that was his hustle? | ||
| And maybe it works. | ||
| Maybe it works on like one out of a hundred girls. | ||
| I would probably be that girl. | ||
| You just catch her alone. | ||
| You go to the back door. | ||
| This guy knows what he wants. | ||
| That's the fucking house. | ||
| I think I'm gonna let him. | ||
| This guy's a go-getter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get in there, boy. | |
| I could see it. | ||
| I could see it. | ||
| But no, he was like, no. | ||
| Yeah, it's tough. | ||
| Yeah, it's just tough to be with normal people. | ||
| Yeah, people get mad when we call regular folks civilians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, yeah, that is a disrespect to the military, this country. | |
| Yeah, that probably is a disrespect to the military. | ||
| Yeah, we were calling them civilians before there was war. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've always called them civilians. | ||
| We called them civilians in the 80s when we weren't at war. | ||
| And there had been no wars yet in the 80s. | ||
| No, it never had happened. | ||
| All the other wars had been. | ||
| Artificial ones. | ||
| Right, the ones that, like you said, the conspiracy theories. | ||
| There's been zero wars until this last one. | ||
| Well, could you imagine if, you know, you could get a culture and take everyone from, like, age five and below. | ||
| Take them and kill everyone else. | ||
| So you take all the babies and all the really young kids that don't really know what the fuck is going on yet. | ||
| And then you just give them a totally fake history. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just artificial CGI, you know, old writing. | ||
| Everybody has it prepared, and that's how the Illuminati really take over the world. | ||
| What they do is they kill everybody but babies, up to like four. | ||
| I think after four, you'd probably have some memories of some shit that went down, you know? | ||
| But I think what you're describing is like what actually, without killing people, like that's what actually happens. | ||
| Like everyone's just raised with a ton of lies. | ||
| Yeah, there's a little of that. | ||
| And they're just like unfolding it as you get older. | ||
| You're like, oh, that was all horseshit. | ||
| Yeah, but I think that if you wanted to like really recreate a history, like create a false history, I think it's possible to do. | ||
| I mean, it sounds completely ridiculous, but if you were in a situation like if it was like after an asteroid hit and a bunch of people were killed and there was very little resources left and then someone decided we're going to kill everybody but the children and we're going to start society again with a fake history that I made up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which is essentially like with Joseph Smith. | ||
| He made up a fake history. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| The guy who created the Mormons. | ||
| I love that religion. | ||
| That shit works. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| They had a whole state. | ||
| And they're all like so nice and good looking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The nicest people! | |
| What's the problem? | ||
| I went to a Mormon funeral recently and it was the nicest, friendliest, everyone was so kind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were allowed in? | |
| I thought to be allowed in that church you had to be Mormon. | ||
| Well, they were UFC fans. | ||
| All bets are off. | ||
| All bets are off! | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| The religious people were like, they really love my jiu-jitsu commentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| I just made that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh man, that's funny. | |
| So the real answer is that Joe's a Mormon. | ||
| But you did go to a Mormon funeral? | ||
| Yeah, my friend who died. | ||
| You're a secret Mormon. | ||
| Their family's Mormon, so they did a Mormon thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was, they're so nice. | ||
| There's like one nice person after another, and even like when, you know, there's things like when people write their own speeches, especially like civilians write their own speeches. | ||
| You know, a person who's got a regular job in society that's not like used to writing and having their stuff heard, their ego like squeaks out. | ||
| Your ego will squeak out when you're talking about people or the past. | ||
| Like what happens? | ||
| Like just, you know, weird shit. | ||
| You'll find out like, you know, when someone reads and it's too long and verbose and, you know, and it's like, there's people that, I've been to a couple funerals and the grossest thing that ever happens Is when someone comes up and uses that time to talk about them and talk about their relationship and how good a friend they were, like justifying themselves to this dead end. | ||
| I think most people have at least a moment of that in their speech. | ||
| At funerals. | ||
| I think it's avoidable. | ||
| Well, actually, we're talking about it like it's a set, but I've seen Colin Quinn speak at two funerals, and he does not do that. | ||
| But I think he's the only person I've ever seen that doesn't even have a moment of, it's about me. | ||
| Well, Colin's a very aware guy. | ||
| That's why he's so funny and so smart and so observant. | ||
| He picks things up. | ||
| But what I was saying about this funeral was that no one did that. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It was really about the person that died. | ||
| There was no... | ||
| None of that. | ||
| There was no... | ||
| Because the last funeral I'd been to was a Hollywood-type affair. | ||
| And I swear, a guy went up that knew the dead person for fucking, like, three months or something. | ||
| And somehow or another, he got on the podium and was, like, way overdoing it and connecting this guy's funeral with the reason why the sun was in a certain position in the sky and the clouds had parted. | ||
| And I knew it was him. | ||
| It was him talking. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| You fuckin' dunce. | ||
| Get off that podium, you stupid fuck. | ||
| That is horrible. | ||
| You think he's the sun through the clouds, you retard? | ||
| That is awful. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you make me listen to your nonsense and just sit here and listen to this stupid fucking meandering bullshit, this poorly thought out. | ||
| It's so much more offensive at a funeral. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Which is like, you are the worst human being ever. | ||
| And then the guy used it to announce the fucking opening of his movie. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| And he said, he tried to claim that this guy's death... | ||
| Which coincided somehow with the opening of his movie. | ||
| I shit you not. | ||
| I feel physically miserable. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| We were sitting there. | ||
| We knew the dude pretty well. | ||
| We were sitting there. | ||
| It was me and three of my friends who knew him. | ||
| We were just going, fuck. | ||
| What is this guy doing? | ||
| Like, this is crazy. | ||
| This guy's talking about... | ||
| He gave out the exact date of his movie premiere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what the fuck, dude? | |
| Are you serious? | ||
| He's like, and when you go home... | ||
| He's like, when you remember this day and go on Rotten Tomatoes and give my movie a good rating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I knew when the sun parted through those clouds, that was him talking to me. | |
| What? | ||
| Why wouldn't he just talk to you? | ||
| He can use his magic to make the clouds and the sun move. | ||
| He can make the sun in a certain position and push the clouds away. | ||
| He can do that, but he can't just send you like an email. | ||
| How about an email from beyond the grave? | ||
| How about a text? | ||
| Hey dude, I'm dead, but it's cool. | ||
| I'm in heaven now. | ||
| Would it be so hard to send a fucking email? | ||
| No, you gotta like move trees and shit. | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| You know, you gotta cause a lightning bolt to land on people. | ||
| Have you ever had to give one of those speeches, though? | ||
| Those speeches suck. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| And it's so gross. | ||
| It's not yourself. | ||
| It's not your everyday person. | ||
| You have to almost play a character where you're overdoing... | ||
| It's harder for comedians, I think. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| I just cried and said some shit that I believed. | ||
| I didn't write anything out. | ||
| I felt like if I wrote anything out, then it would just sound like horseshit. | ||
| I just tried to say as much about the person that affected me, you know, what's positive about them. | ||
| And then we just got to, you know, cherish our time. | ||
| It's so difficult to think about the fact that your time is not permanent. | ||
| You're only going to get a little bit of this shit. | ||
| And you could waste it. | ||
| You could waste it with shitty thoughts. | ||
| You could waste it with doing the wrong thing. | ||
| You could waste it with bad energy. | ||
| And sometimes it takes like a death for us to realize that. | ||
| I don't like going to funerals anymore. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like the feeling of being around a bunch of people who are mourning. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| There's been a few people that died, comics especially, where I'm like, I don't want to be around all my friends that are also fellow comedians and sit around crying. | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I think it's harder seeing comedians upset. | ||
| And maybe it's just because I'm closer to them, but seeing those guys that I'm close to, when they're sad, it feels so much worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, but it also, like, I don't like the funerals, but then hanging out after and talking with them and just telling stories, because that's what we would all want. | ||
| If I died, when I die, I want people to tell the most fucked up shit that I did. | ||
| You know, you want people sitting around like, oh my god, I'll never forget when... | ||
| He did this. | ||
| Because that's what we would want. | ||
| So it's like, it's also a good opportunity to just like celebrate the shit out of that person's life and tell every story. | ||
| And, you know, there was like a, at least with Patrice and Geraldo, like a good number of nights in a row where everyone just was going around just nonstop. | ||
| And it felt really therapeutic and like what they would have wanted. | ||
| They want people to be upset, of course, but just talk about maybe some stories that nobody ever heard that I did. | ||
| Did you listen to Opie and Anthony after he died? | ||
| Yeah, I went on. | ||
| They dedicated so many shows to him. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| I couldn't think of any other show. | ||
| That would respect and honor one of their favorite guests the way they did. | ||
| Their brothers, yeah. | ||
| The way they did it was so beautiful. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I mean, they're the best. | ||
| They're the nicest fucking guys. | ||
| I love those guys like family. | ||
| It's the best, easiest radio show to do. | ||
| And fucking Hilarious. | ||
| Hilarious, smart. | ||
| They're not comedians, but they are just as fast and they kill me. | ||
| Anthony's a fucking brilliant guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He kills me. | |
| He knows weird shit about weird things. | ||
| He's a weirdo. | ||
| He's a fascinating guy. | ||
| And Opie is too. | ||
| Honest, yeah. | ||
| Opie knows how to move a fucking shoulder. | ||
| Goddamn Norton. | ||
| Yeah, and Norton is my... | ||
| I believe he's the funniest guy on radio. | ||
| I really do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is. | |
| Nobody makes me laugh consistently more than him. | ||
| He's made trannies acceptable. | ||
| I know, like you... | ||
| Have access to trannies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no... | |
| He'll just face me, and it doesn't... | ||
| I am so unfazed. | ||
| I don't know what would face me at this point, but he'll just... | ||
| It'll just be some story about, like, fucking a tranny, and I'm just like... | ||
| Like, while we're eating eggs, and I'm like... | ||
| You block it off, like a bad childhood molestation. | ||
| You're like, yeah, I'm... | ||
| She sounds great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She sounds like she really gets you, Jimmy. | |
| Nobody else has ever been able to pull off the whole tranny thing. | ||
| But you know what also? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| People are like, well, you know, they like ask for advice, like comedy advice. | ||
| And just going on the road with Jimmy and Attal, no, they work so fucking hard. | ||
| They're not like just sitting around doing dog shit all day, like Googling themselves. | ||
| They're like writing and thinking and, you know, it's like they work harder than anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, especially when you're on the road and you're trying to piece together a new act, which I know Jimmy's had to do a couple times recently, because whenever you put something out, you've got to start all over again. | ||
| I saw him in Austin about a year ago, and it was all shit I hadn't seen before, and it was fucking great. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| It was so fun to watch. | ||
| And I said to him, I said, I was so happy. | ||
| I saw it, and I enjoyed it so much, because sometimes I feel self-conscious, and I have so many dick jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have like... | |
| You have to pick and choose, like, which are my best? | ||
| I have, like, so many dick jokes, but with him, every other joke's a dick joke. | ||
| It's all dick, but he finds a different way that you're like, okay, I think we can take one more dick joke. | ||
| Well, I also realize that I'm very childish in my sense of humor. | ||
| My favorite comedians are Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz is my all-time favorite. | ||
| He's, like, the one guy who makes me laugh the most. | ||
| And then everyone else, it's, like, their most childish shit, you know? | ||
| Oh yeah, the dumbest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm the same. | ||
| I like my shit childish. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| The dumbest shit. | ||
| The simplest. | ||
| So when Norton's talking about someone sucking hogs and I'm just laughing like a silly high school kid. | ||
| Or even when he calls someone, if he'll just use some old-timey, I felt like a real maroon. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| No one talks like that. | ||
| He's so funny that he's made having sex with trannies an acceptable thing. | ||
| That could be a scandal that could ruin your career. | ||
| He doesn't give a shit. | ||
| Zero apologies. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| He doesn't give a shit. | ||
| That's a really original thing. | ||
| And it's like just... | ||
| Really, isn't it? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How original is that? | ||
| Well, Eddie Izzard. | ||
| Before Norton. | ||
| I don't think Eddie Izzard has sex with Chinese, but he, like, that's pretty badass to wear. | ||
| Didn't he do stand-up in drag? | ||
| Yeah, I think that was more of a gimmick than anything, because I don't even think he discussed it, did he? | ||
| And now I don't think he's into talking about it. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, he didn't discuss the fact that he was wearing women's clothes. | ||
| Oh, he didn't? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think he just went on, and I could be mistaken. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone will correct me on Twitter, but I thought that was the thing, was that he would just go on stage and do his whole act dressed like a woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just like to freak people out or call attention to himself. | ||
| I didn't used to think that, you know, I didn't think about that guy, positive or negative, until I watched some documentary about him running all the way across the UK. Oh my God, it was insane. | ||
| The fucking guy wasn't even in shape. | ||
| And he did like a marathon a day. | ||
| He did like 26 miles every day, and his feet were falling apart, and massive blisters, and everything was open and infected, and he just would tape it up, and the next day, run a fucking marathon. | ||
| That's a special kind of crazy right there. | ||
| No, it was nuts. | ||
| What are you running from, Eddie? | ||
| No, well, he was running for a charity, and if he got... | ||
| Oh, well, now I'm a dickhead. | ||
| You're like, actually, he was running for kids with AIDS. I'm like, fuck them! | ||
| I'm telling you, it was really impressive. | ||
| I mean, it was really impressive. | ||
| This fucking guy ran... | ||
| He does his act in Arabic and French also. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| Yes, he's like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, there's some humbling people out there, right? | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Dude, right. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I haven't met him, but they've got to be out there somewhere. | ||
| I'll meet somebody that'll shut me the fuck up, but not today. | ||
| I'll tell you what, I'm going to be honest. | ||
| I'm going to be honest. | ||
| Never met anybody who comes close to me. | ||
| Born on the best. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| Every time, knocking it out of the park. | ||
| The funniest thing is there's someone out there that thinks that way. | ||
| There's a lot of people. | ||
| We know a lot of people like that. | ||
| But I'm none, bro. | ||
| I'm the best. | ||
| The best. | ||
| I could fix this whole country. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| They're doing it wrong. | ||
| I'll fix NASA. I'll fix fucking Rick Santorum. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I'll fix them all. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, you're the best. | ||
| The best. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| You know what I watched the other day? | ||
| Karate Kid? | ||
| The best of the best. | ||
| Have you ever seen the best of the best? | ||
| It was an Eric Roberts movie from like 1989. Oh my god. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's a karate movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| They're in a karate tournament with some other dudes and they have all these crazy karate fights. | ||
| Did he learn how to do karate? | ||
| Very rudimentary movements. | ||
| Oh, come on, Roberts. | ||
| That's what happened to him. | ||
| That's why he disappeared for a while. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it doesn't look like he really learned. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| You ever see, like, Michael Jai White? | ||
| You ever see that guy? | ||
| The guy who played Mike Tyson in that movie about Tyson? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| He was Spawn. | ||
| You ever see the movie Spawn? | ||
| I haven't seen any of these movies. | ||
| Big, muscular black guy. | ||
| Did you ever see 27 Dresses? | ||
| No, what do we do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Subject? | |
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I'm totally kidding. | ||
| Dude, this is such a terrible, terrible movie. | ||
| I've never even heard of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tommy Lee? | ||
| They couldn't come up with a different name? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| I think this was before Tommy Lee was famous. | ||
| You know, back then Tommy Lee was still in Motley Crue, but I bet a lot of people didn't know. | ||
| James Earl Jones. | ||
| Yeah, James Earl Jones. | ||
| A lot of good people are in it. | ||
| There's the 80s token hot chick with the 80s hair. | ||
| There's a bunch of respectable actors in this movie. | ||
| This is one of the reasons why it's such a hunk of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The all-time gold medal winner and heart and soul of the Korean team. | |
| This guy went on to open a C-rated restaurant. | ||
| A Korean barbecue, perhaps. | ||
| This guy's knocking it off the charts. | ||
| This isn't a scene with Eric Roberts, unfortunately. | ||
| Because these guys probably actually know martial arts. | ||
| Eric Roberts was my favorite on Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| Did you ever see that? | ||
| I didn't see that one. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What was his deal? | ||
| Pot! | ||
| Just pot? | ||
| That's it! | ||
| What a fucking... | ||
| Come on. | ||
| His agent's like... | ||
| In the morning, he'd be looking at the paper, twiddling his little foot around, drinking a cup of coffee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Other people have shakes, and they're like, my family isn't talking to me. | |
| He's like, I'm a little hungry. | ||
| Other people are like, I just gotta go outside and meet some friends real quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He's like, oh, come on. | ||
| Stay with the program. | ||
| I'm gutting it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He escapes. | |
| I'm gutting it out. | ||
| He escapes and goes to Chipotle. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| You can't get off your morphine? | ||
| I'm gutting it out. | ||
| I haven't even touched weed. | ||
| I haven't touched weed in three days. | ||
| Oh, you're so strong. | ||
| You don't think I'm in pain right now, man? | ||
| You're so strong, Eric. | ||
| You don't think I'm hurt on the inside right now? | ||
| Don't turn your back on me, Lord. | ||
| It became some weird therapeutic thing where he had his stepson and his stepson came on the show. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know about that. | |
| His stepson hated him for how he treated him. | ||
| Like, oh god damn. | ||
| Too much. | ||
| Well, you know, you realize, and this is a reality of a lot of, there's a reason why a lot of people, famous people's kids become crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's because when you're like a movie star, you go places for months at a time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, if you're Eric Roberts, I mean, I guarantee you that guy had to go places when that guy was a kid. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if he took his family with him. | ||
| I don't know how he rocked it. | ||
| But a lot of people just go places. | ||
| I know folks that leave their family behind for months. | ||
| It seems like that's how it used to be, but now everybody's so aware and sensitive. | ||
| I can't believe that shit still happens. | ||
| Oh, it still happens, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it happened a lot, though, back in the day. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to name any names, because I'm not trying to judge you. | ||
| Well, like, who are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just looking at it. | |
| I'm just looking at it objectively like when you look at all these famous kids of say like people who are famous in the 70s and the 80s and then their kids become adults and complete fuck ups. | ||
| There's a goddamn laundry list of them. | ||
| It's a big... | ||
| It's almost all of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you gotta think like what happened there? | ||
| How did this go wrong? | ||
| How can this be avoided? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, something's going wrong here, and the mechanism of raising a human under this job, what is it? | ||
| Is it the distance, the time away? | ||
| Is it the unfair and weird treatment that you get? | ||
| Just having a parent that's a huge narcissist probably isn't awesome. | ||
| Yeah, that probably isn't awesome. | ||
| Yeah, that's probably not the best. | ||
| Remember Mommy Dearest? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a fucking scary movie that was. | ||
| God damn it, that movie scared the shit out of me. | ||
| Faye Dunaway is a badass bitch. | ||
| So good. | ||
| God damn, she was a badass bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You believed it with every fucking ounce of your soul. | |
| Wait, Faye Dunaway, wasn't it Joan Collins? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Faye Dunaway. | ||
| Oh, Faye Dunaway was Chinatown, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was there another one? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Who was, which one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wasn't it Mommy Dearest? | ||
| Was it Joan Collins? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think so. | |
| I thought so. | ||
| Yeah, Faye Dunaway was like, wasn't she like Bonnie and Clyde? | ||
| No, well, I think she was. | ||
| No, it's Faye Dunaway. | ||
| Was in Mommy Dearest? | ||
| Yeah, Faye Dunaway's Mommy Dearest. | ||
| Yes, oh yeah, it's totally Faye Dunaway. | ||
| Oh my God, I'm looking at the picture. | ||
| I know you remember this. | ||
| Of course it's Faye Dunaway. | ||
| Look at that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| If you haven't seen this movie and you want to know how crazy actresses really are capable of being, this is a real... | ||
| Did she win an Oscar? | ||
| She must have. | ||
| Oh, she had, too. | ||
| She must have. | ||
| She went. | ||
| She did it. | ||
| She went deep. | ||
| If she didn't win an Oscar, the Oscars are bullshit. | ||
| If she didn't win an Oscar for that... | ||
| I'm moving to Canada if she didn't win an Oscar for that. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| I won't move to Canada. | ||
| Get my bags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brian. | |
| I'll consider Hawaii. | ||
| I'm at least going on a couple days to St. Lucia, okay? | ||
| St. Lucia? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Oh, I just went there with my sister. | ||
| Oh, it was an island or something? | ||
| You went there with your sister? | ||
| Yeah, we went to... | ||
| I did not know that Sandals was a couple's resort. | ||
| Oh, so you looked like lesbians. | ||
| So, everyone just thought we were raging dykes the whole time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And we looked like twins, so we looked like the most narcissistic lesbians ever. | ||
| Like, we saw each other at a bar, like, huh? | ||
| Hey, I like how you look. | ||
| Everyone hated us. | ||
| Everyone hated you. | ||
| Did you know Sandals was all couples? | ||
| No. | ||
| Has that marketing reached you? | ||
| It did not reach me either. | ||
| I didn't really actually know. | ||
| I actually have thought about like, hey, let's go to like an all resort thing where you pay one thing, you don't have to pay. | ||
| All inclusive. | ||
| That's what we did. | ||
| And she's married. | ||
| I'm single. | ||
| I'm not trying to hook up with like, you know, like an islander. | ||
| But whatever. | ||
| But it was 100% couples. | ||
| We were the only people. | ||
| And it was really uncomfortable because people were either mad we were there or way overly talking to us so that we knew how tolerant they were of lesbians. | ||
| Like, they'd be like, stop having so much fun, you two. | ||
| And I'd be like, thank you for accepting our lifestyle. | ||
| We're sister. | ||
| Like, ugh. | ||
| But we did everything. | ||
| We were the biggest assholes. | ||
| We did everything that the couples did. | ||
| So we like went to all the like dinners and Like the photo shoots inside like a heart-shaped rose petals on the beach like we held each other I put some pictures on Twitter, but it was it was pretty brutal. | ||
| She had finger blasted her. | ||
| Oh I fucked her. | ||
| She got good and fucked. | ||
| Deep in that muff. | ||
| Sorry, sorry. | ||
| This is not just lesbian sex. | ||
| It's incest! | ||
| Incest. | ||
| A lot of Game of Thrones. | ||
| Anything goes at this point. | ||
| I just started watching it. | ||
| I just started last night. | ||
| How far are you? | ||
| First two episodes. | ||
| Oh, I'm jealous. | ||
| I bought the DVD. I was at the... | ||
| Yeah, you haven't seen it? | ||
| Dude, it's good. | ||
| Did you like The Wire? | ||
| I never saw that. | ||
| Listen, bro. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| It's what Conan the Barbarian should have been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| That's what it is. | ||
| The show is so good. | ||
| I'm so jealous of you. | ||
| They have so much time to work. | ||
| See, when you go to that Conan movie, they had good intentions, but you can't tell Conan's story in an hour and a half. | ||
| The real Robert E. Howard books were these long sagas of adventure and betrayal and sorcery and fucking demons and sword fights and shit. | ||
| In like two hours. | ||
| You can't do that in a movie, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| The only way you're going to rock that is if you have a series like this Game of Thrones. | ||
| It is the best. | ||
| It's fucking good, dude. | ||
| It's a good show. | ||
| At least the first two episodes are. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It gets better and better. | ||
| I still have to watch those things. | ||
| I want more fucking Supernatural, you fucks. | ||
| Yeah, they really come hard with the supernatural. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You start off the whole show with that. | ||
| You get me all roped up in your supernatural. | ||
| I want to see a little bit more of this. | ||
| Give him a supernatural. | ||
| This is what I'm looking for. | ||
| A little less incest. | ||
| A little more supernatural. | ||
| Oh, see, that's where we disagree. | ||
| I want more incest also. | ||
| You like the wild brother and sister fucker? | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| I like being surprised. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| You're just like, is this happening? | ||
| Which, by the way, probably is how they used to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it gets, incest gets even crazier on that show. | ||
| Oh, I don't even want to know. | ||
| And that's, that's reality, by the way. | ||
| That's what people are doing. | ||
| They were fucking their sisters up until like a week ago. | ||
| I was in Birmingham. | ||
| That shit is still going on. | ||
| I saw some eyes placed God knows where. | ||
| People are fucking whatever they can, you know? | ||
| And if you can fuck your sister and no one's gonna know. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Save gas. | ||
| Fuck your sister. | ||
| Where's that bumper sticker? | ||
| Listen, let's make a deal. | ||
| You want some dick, I want some pussy. | ||
| I got a dick, you got a pussy. | ||
| Goddamn, why we gotta outsource? | ||
| I really wonder how many relationships there are, like brother-sister relationships. | ||
| I bet it's a lot. | ||
| It's really like the ultimate form of naturalism. | ||
| You mean in the South? | ||
| No, everywhere. | ||
| In the whole United States, I bet there are a lot of brother-sister relationships. | ||
| Incest is the ultimate form of keeping it local. | ||
| Keep it real, keep it local. | ||
| Keep it local, buy local made, local products. | ||
| Really, it's a sick feeling, right? | ||
| Incest is a sick feeling, right? | ||
| The idea that people would do that. | ||
| Maybe that's why the idea of nationalism is such a bizarre fucking feeling. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Nationalism? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone really into being from one country. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Keep it local. | ||
| American made. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Made right here. | ||
| I'll pay a little more. | ||
| There's a Toby Keith song that's made in America, and it's all about you pay a little more, but it's made in America. | ||
| Relax, Toby. | ||
| Chill, Tobes. | ||
| I would like it if it was made in America. | ||
| Isn't he Australian? | ||
| No, there's another guy who is. | ||
| Oh, Urban. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Keith Urban. | ||
| I'm way up on the country. | ||
| I wouldn't mind if things were made in other countries if I thought the people were getting paid. | ||
| The only thing about America is if you buy a Corvette, you know that someone's got a pension. | ||
| You know that the people that are making are in the auto union. | ||
| You really do know how much they get paid. | ||
| You can find out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You buy Nikes, you know, it's like some child, they bound their fingers so they wouldn't grow. | ||
| Yeah, if you buy, like, Foxconn products, if you buy iPhones or a lot of other cell phones, you know, there's a huge debate right now. | ||
| They're trying to figure out how to straighten this out in the eyes of the people. | ||
| Because they've had a ton of suicides, and, you know, their thoughts are... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| The workers? | ||
| Foxconn, yeah. | ||
| They've had a lot of suicides. | ||
| So much so they've had to install suicide nets. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes, they have suicide nets at the Foxconn building. | ||
| And people will try to talk you through this. | ||
| I hate that this is making me laugh. | ||
| This is not funny, but it's killing me. | ||
| People are like, well, statistically, that's actually less than the number of suicides in the population in that area. | ||
| And you're like, first of all, that's a ridiculous thing. | ||
| Because what you're saying is that the whole time they're alive when they would commit suicide. | ||
| No. | ||
| How many people kill themselves at work? | ||
| At work. | ||
| At work. | ||
| In the place that they hate the most. | ||
| Yeah, you're talking about a completely different experience. | ||
| No, that's insane. | ||
| You're talking about people that are living on campus. | ||
| Hudsucker proxy. | ||
| Throwing themselves off the fucking roof and smashing their brains onto the concrete to end the pain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We don't see the connection. | |
| We can't find the connection. | ||
| That is statistically less than would be had they been slaves. | ||
| So sick. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| But that's the only way you're going to get a cell phone. | ||
| There's no other way. | ||
| I mean, they've tried to figure out how to make them in other countries. | ||
| And I know they started making iPhones in Brazil. | ||
| They make some stuff in Korea, South Korea, where they don't have anything remotely like what they've got going on in China. | ||
| Would you ever hire Foxconn for a small job, like stuffing envelopes or something like that? | ||
| Because lately I was wondering really how cheap it would be if I just had him do small things. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that start factories in China. | ||
| And they start factories in China. | ||
| I know a dude who makes pool cue cases out there. | ||
| He lives in China. | ||
| Yeah, I guess, I don't know why you decide, but he's an American guy. | ||
| And they, you know, their manufacturing is, like, good out there. | ||
| You get good, skilled craftsmen. | ||
| And, you know, it's way cheaper for them. | ||
| And they can make a ton of profit. | ||
| You know, and I think a lot of them get over there and they actually like it, too, so... | ||
| I don't know, but it's, I don't, I just don't, I don't think there's a way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They like living there? | |
| Yeah, they like living in China. | ||
| I think a lot of white guys do. | ||
| Whatever I like. | ||
| I've talked to a bunch of white guys that have been to China and they say that Chinese girls are like, whoa, this is weird. | ||
| Look at this white guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like him. | |
| I think, it makes sense. | ||
| I think like all dudes are going to wind up with Asian chicks. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, like. | ||
| How many dudes have you lost to Asian chicks? | ||
| Well, I haven't lost anybody. | ||
| But one guy that I dated for years is engaged to... | ||
| Well, she's Indian, but that's Asia. | ||
| But it makes sense. | ||
| There was a whole wave of... | ||
| Like, black chicks being like, white women are taking our men and they, like, have asses or something. | ||
| But now, it's like, I don't think we're a real threat. | ||
| I think the Asian chick is where everybody's going to wind up. | ||
| It's like going back to an iPhone 3 to an iPhone 5. Yeah, I have nothing. | ||
| I can't compete with an Asian chick. | ||
| There is nothing grosser than that white women are taking our men attitude. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Like, the idea that you can't like whoever the fuck you like and that black guys are supposed to like you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Supposed to like you more. | ||
| That attitude is the very reason why white girls are preferred by those black guys. | ||
| Because white girls aren't going to be as crazy. | ||
| They wouldn't have gotten them. | ||
| It's like being mad. | ||
| If that card pulled up more, somebody else would have still gotten that space. | ||
| Like, that black guy does not want you regardless of what race is happening. | ||
| It's weird how open that racism is in comparison to the other way around. | ||
| Don't they know we've been through so much? | ||
| If it was the other way around and people, you know, if it was a bunch of white girls that were complaining that some girl's getting fucked by a black guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that would be, you know, that would be a completely different thing. | ||
| That would be like KKK. Yes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And this is like, you know... | ||
| Hate crimes. | ||
| It's interesting that you can say, like, why are these white women got to fuck our men? | ||
| You can say that you're a black chick. | ||
| But I do think with... | ||
| I have no anger about the Asian chick thing, but I do think... | ||
| Like, I'm half joking, but it makes sense, like, the guys gravitating toward them because just the way it used to be. | ||
| Like, you used to be with a man because, like, he made a living and you kind of needed him and you looked at him like, I need you. | ||
| I like how you lowered your voice when you said that. | ||
| I feel like that's how, like, women talk. | ||
| They're just like, I love you. | ||
| Do you want dinner? | ||
| You know, I'm like, what about me? | ||
| But Asian chicks, you know, like, they're from Asia. | ||
| This isn't their first language. | ||
| And they come here and they kind of need you and they're, like, quiet and they, like, have smaller pussies. | ||
| Oh, that's a lot of good things right there. | ||
| What am I gonna bring to the table? | ||
| I've got zero. | ||
| You're getting happy. | ||
| You're like, I need an Asian chick. | ||
| This Asian girl in high school, her name was Konami, which was also a video game company in the 90s. | ||
| Why do you say her name? | ||
| He was trying to find her. | ||
| He wants her back in his life. | ||
| Maybe I've changed it to a different video game company. | ||
| Was it Atari? | ||
| It was a video game company that was popular in the 90s. | ||
| Her name was Donkey Kong. | ||
| But all the boys, or boys, the guys liked her because video games were really popular in the 90s. | ||
| So she had this extra kind of glow to her. | ||
| Because of her name? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think you're crazy. | ||
| Brian grew up in a test city. | ||
| That the government literally would test the humans. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| They'd test them. | ||
| And I'm pretty sure parts of his life were actually artificially created by the government to gauge reactions. | ||
| That explains a lot about you. | ||
| Yeah, he's like a test subject. | ||
| He got cereal that no one else got when they were kids. | ||
| I think you're failing the test, Brian. | ||
| No, there's no failing. | ||
| He is what he is. | ||
| You cannot fail that test. | ||
| Aww, look how sweet you are with him. | ||
| That's true, you can't fail that test. | ||
| The government just wants to know what's going on in there. | ||
| So Konami told me that their pussies are tighter because they kneel all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because they kneel all day. | |
| And it tightens up the pussy. | ||
| You guys, do you mind if I do the rest of the show from... | ||
| Are we going under our desk? | ||
| She's trying to tighten up her pussy. | ||
| You guys, do you mind if I just take a quick... | ||
| Can we just move this mic down? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you imagine if that's all you had to do? | ||
| Women just found that out so they started kneeling at business meetings. | ||
| I'm on the subway like, oh no, I don't need a seat. | ||
| Just trying to keep Bob happy. | ||
| It'd be like a big joke. | ||
| You wouldn't be able to hide it. | ||
| It'd be like when you get fake tits. | ||
| You can't pretend you didn't get fake tits. | ||
| One day you're flat and the next day they're huge. | ||
| Hey, I'm just trying to keep my husband happy. | ||
| That's the same thing you do when you kneel everywhere. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| There's a lot of different reasons, I'm sure. | ||
| For getting implants? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| I think I'm never gonna get any work done. | ||
| You're never gonna get any work done? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't need to. | ||
| Well, I mean, like, I drink, so I'm probably gonna age like dog shit, but I'm just gonna let shit hit the fan. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta just let it ride, Tara Reade style. | ||
| Maybe shave off a little off your shoulders. | ||
| Well... | ||
| You have, like, it looks like you have, like, those things in, like, a suit jacket, the cushions, but in your shoulder. | ||
| But in my shoulder? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It looks like what? | ||
| What are they called? | ||
| The shoulder pads. | ||
| It looks like you have shoulder pads in your shoulder, so maybe just get a little bit shaved off right there. | ||
| Well, I play volleyball. | ||
| Oh, that's why. | ||
| You were telling her to get her shoulders shaved off? | ||
| Can you imagine if it was that easy? | ||
| It's like, you've got too much muscle here. | ||
| We're just going to carve this away. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| People do that stuff. | ||
| No, I played volleyball, and I think that it... | ||
| I like how I look. | ||
| Eat a dick, Brian. | ||
| I was just kidding. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright, let's talk about your flaws. | ||
| He doesn't like to be around women that he's pretty sure can kick his ass. | ||
| That's really what fucks him up. | ||
| We had Ronda Rousey in here. | ||
| Do you know who she is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Strikeforce women's MMA champion. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
| I like those chicks. | ||
| Brian was so subservient to her. | ||
| I was scared to give her a hug. | ||
| She's like, get over here. | ||
| I won't bite. | ||
| You didn't give me a hug. | ||
| You didn't give me a hug. | ||
| Well, I used to do it at the end like a proper gentleman. | ||
| At the beginning, I don't do a hug. | ||
| No. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| He was so cute. | ||
| He was adorable. | ||
| He was so terrified of her. | ||
| It was like he was in the room with a tiger that he wanted to pet, but he was too scared to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aww. | |
| That's exactly what it's like. | ||
| Rhonda, by the way, one of the coolest fucking people you ever meet. | ||
| She's strikingly beautiful. | ||
| She's very, very pretty. | ||
| I want to see a picture of her. | ||
| Can you pull a picture of her? | ||
| She's gorgeous. | ||
| It's not even a debate. | ||
| She's a 10. Yeah, and she's a killer. | ||
| She was a women's Olympic judo medalist. | ||
| She medaled bronze in the Olympics. | ||
| I think she was the first woman to ever win a medal in the Olympics in judo. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Is she married? | ||
| For America. | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you guys, did anybody go for it? | ||
| Nobody busted a move. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Well, I'm married, and Brian is terrified of her. | ||
| Do you want naked or not naked? | ||
| Eddie Bravo's getting married. | ||
| I'll take naked. | ||
| Yeah, get her in her underwear so we can see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| What's up? | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's a killer. | ||
| She's so beautiful. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm in love with her. | ||
| And she's just like a badass. | ||
| Can I see an action shot? | ||
| Oh dude, what's that press conference? | ||
| She broke the girl's arm in her last fight. | ||
| She got her in an armbar. | ||
| She got her in an armbar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fall in love with girls. | |
| The girl didn't tap and so she snapped her arm. | ||
| Oh my god, I love her. | ||
| Yeah, she's a fucking beast too. | ||
| She looks young. | ||
| She is young. | ||
| She's only 25. Damn. | ||
| I don't want to see her butthole. | ||
| Brian, please clean up your act. | ||
| It was just Easter. | ||
| That's not her either. | ||
| That's Misha. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a different girl. | |
| That's her to the right. | ||
| That's her to the right of that picture. | ||
| I want to see her in action. | ||
| Go down. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's a hot chick. | ||
| It's hard to believe that that's a killer. | ||
| Go down to that picture, dude. | ||
| I was going to do a video. | ||
| I want to see her fucking somebody up. | ||
| I don't think you're going to find the video. | ||
| I'll just do a highlight reel. | ||
| She comes out with a pink E on. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| What a nightmare. | ||
| A hot chick that could beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| When is she coming back on, Joe? | ||
| I love her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| We'll work on something. | ||
| She just won the title. | ||
| I think I'd like to do this stuff. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Snap. | ||
| I don't watch this. | ||
| That's a whole... | ||
| She's broken a couple girls' arms. | ||
| I'm just going to look at you, Amy, instead. | ||
| I'm going to look at your eyes while you watch this. | ||
| What a consolation prize. | ||
| What a shitty... | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
| She is. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's a badass at fucking judo. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| And this is her singing the song also, isn't it? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| You asshole. | ||
| She actually filmed and edited this herself. | ||
| Sweat these arm bars. | ||
| This is nasty shit. | ||
| See, in judo, they stand you up way quicker than they do in MMA or even in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| They don't really stand you up usually in jiu-jitsu, but In judo, they have to go for their submissions really quickly. | ||
| Because once they get to the ground, they've got to get a submission on before the referee gets to them. | ||
| And she developed the ability to snap arm bars on people with lightning speed. | ||
| And I don't think any of these girls are ready for that shit. | ||
| She's so good at it. | ||
| Everybody else takes way more time to go for shit. | ||
| She's just got a few techniques, especially arm bars, just completely locked down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when you roll with her, it's almost just a matter of time before she gets one of those on you, because you're probably not used to anybody having the kind of submissions that she has, where they just, she explodes on you, she's strong as fuck, and she's super technical. | ||
| Look at that arm bar. | ||
| You see how, do you see how, watch that, but just back that up a second. | ||
| There's like no space in between her body and that girl's face. | ||
| As she moves around, when she locks this chick down, she starts beating on her, and as soon as she has this arm, watch that! | ||
| See how fast that goes? | ||
| She swung that leg over her face. | ||
| She knew exactly where her face was. | ||
| Clamp that shit down. | ||
| There was no air in there. | ||
| That was death. | ||
| There was no getting out of that. | ||
| I just think she's really pretty. | ||
| Look at her pouty lips, yeah. | ||
| If she wanted to make out with you, would you go lesbo for a little bit? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I think you would have to. | ||
| Yeah, I've never hooked up with a girl, but I get major girl crushes. | ||
| You never hooked up with a girl, but you're open to the idea. | ||
| Do you want to? | ||
| I hope I at least hook up with a girl at least once. | ||
| I can arrange that. | ||
| The hottest girls ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want... | |
| I could let you choose from a book. | ||
| No, I like girls like that. | ||
| You're going to get crabs. | ||
| I'm going to get crabs? | ||
| From this guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Mr. Lobster Brian over here. | ||
| No, I'm not letting you set me up. | ||
| Mr. Lobster? | ||
| Oh, you can eat me. | ||
| You're not setting me up with anybody. | ||
| Yeah, I would say no, don't let him do that. | ||
| No, that's not happening. | ||
| Come to me, I'm your filter. | ||
| I'm gonna just... | ||
| I'm gonna be real with you. | ||
| I'm gonna be real with you about this whole lesbian thing. | ||
| I trust neither of you at all. | ||
| Do you want to go camping this week? | ||
| Not even a little bit. | ||
| We're the ones who got you high. | ||
| How can you not trust us? | ||
| I remember. | ||
| That's why you're so happy right now. | ||
| I still have the bruise from the IV in my arm. | ||
| And you guys are like, you need this. | ||
| And I was like, no. | ||
| And then I said, yes, right before you blew all the smoke in my face. | ||
| I could tell you were gonna do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, just give it to me and don't blow this smoke in my face. | |
| Fuck, you guys are the worst friends. | ||
| Aren't you glad you did? | ||
| It felt good, right? | ||
| You don't feel sick or anything? | ||
| No, I feel fine. | ||
| This weed is so strong that we hotboxed Fitzsimmons back here and he went on stage high and he couldn't remember his act. | ||
| Oh, I would love to see him high. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| Oh, he's great high, yeah. | ||
| I've been high with Greg before. | ||
| I would love to see him. | ||
| He's essentially, I don't know if he talks about it, I know he was smoking pot for a little while, but then he stopped doing that too. | ||
| But he went for, when I met him, he was an alcoholic when we were like 21 together. | ||
| And then he quit it, like instantly. | ||
| Just cold turkey. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No AA. Did he have something happen? | ||
| No, he just decided he was fucking up his life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, he was pretty smart about it. | ||
| But then later he realized that he could smoke pot. | ||
| You know, because if you talk to like a Dr. Drew type character, they'll tell you you can't do that. | ||
| They'll tell you that you can't indulge in any substances. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But some people even have, you know, I don't want to ever encourage anybody to even try this, but I know that some people used to be alcoholics, took a long time off drinking, and then began drinking casually. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like more than one people? | ||
| Yeah, well, I think there's different levels of alcoholism. | ||
| That's what we have to realize. | ||
| I think there's some physiological connections. | ||
| There's some people, they just have that gene, whatever that wacky gene is, and they can't drink at all. | ||
| Or they will go off. | ||
| They'll go off the rails. | ||
| And then there's other folks that it was a compulsion and it could have been beating off, it could have been gambling, it could have been a million different things but it happened to be drinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they realized that this is an issue that they have with their own psychology and then slowly over time they evolve it and then one day they're at a party and they have a glass of wine and they're fine and they don't want to go out and get cocaine and beat people up and So many comics don't drink because they are self-proclaimed alcoholics. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like most of the time I'm the only comic drinking. | ||
| Well, I'm happy when I see a guy like Atel. | ||
| Atel, Colin, Norton, Bobby. | ||
| But Norton has been clean since he was 19. Very much like Smith-Simmons, really. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think Morton was on a bunch of different shit. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| I never knew any of those guys when they were boozing. | ||
| I knew Attell a little bit, but I never saw him wasted or anything like that. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen him wasted. | ||
| I've seen him wasted at the improv. | ||
| It's nice to see a guy figure out, well, this is not good for me. | ||
| Yeah, this is probably better to not do this. | ||
| Let me just take this back a notch. | ||
| Wake up in an alley. | ||
| Yeah, I've always been, even when I was a drinker, you know, like when I didn't smoke pot and I only would, you know, drink on weekends or whatever I would do, it was never something that I had to do. | ||
| I just could do it or not do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we all know somebody that's not like that. | ||
| We all know that one dude that's just itching for that drink all day. | ||
| And it's not fun to be around them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| What's the worst? | ||
| When they get off and then they start drinking like right away. | ||
| And they don't realize that it's not like that for you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like my friend who's now sober, like we would go out and he'd be like, let's get a shot and a beer. | ||
| And I'd be like, okay. | ||
| And then right away he's like, all right, another shot. | ||
| And you're like, oh, drinking's different for us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those shot people are always weird. | ||
| I didn't even want to do a shot. | ||
| Especially on Tuesdays. | ||
| Those Tuesday drunks, that's a commitment. | ||
| I'm more of a light beer, Miller light drinker. | ||
| I'll just drink, it's almost like water to me. | ||
| I like a beer. | ||
| I like doing shots too when we have shows and stuff and we're just all hanging out and piling around together. | ||
| But just drinking for the sake of drinking, I kind of got tired of that a long time ago. | ||
| You know, drinking does facilitate great conversation, though. | ||
| You have some fucking fun, loose conversations when you're around a bunch of people that can handle their liquor. | ||
| You know, you have three or four beers and everybody starts laughing and being friendly. | ||
| As long as you're only around that. | ||
| But one person in the mix that just has that kind of zombie difference. | ||
| It ruins it. | ||
| And we're so sensitive to other people's energy that if there's that one person... | ||
| And it's also the same kind of people where it's just never enough for them. | ||
| You'll be out until four in the morning and you're like, all right. | ||
| And they're like, you're leaving now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you pussy. | |
| And you're like, yeah, because I'm an adult. | ||
| I'm trying to live my life. | ||
| Yeah, I really don't like the really pushy 5 o'clock in the morning party people. | ||
| It's an after hours. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I've been doing that lately, though. | ||
| Like, last week or so. | ||
| Going out lately. | ||
| But it's just comedy store shit. | ||
| Because comedy store, they go rocking all night long, man. | ||
| Don Barris is on stage just doing crazy shit. | ||
| Once in a while. | ||
| I think that's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| But I don't know. | ||
| That was always the best part about the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Late night, in that back parking lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I said that back parking lot should be a goddamn sitcom. | ||
| It should be. | ||
| Is the comedy store like the seller? | ||
| Like, is it where comics all hang out together? | ||
| Not really, because the ownership is a mess, and the people running in are a mess. | ||
| But what the place is, though, what it represents is like... | ||
| You know, I mean, one of the oldest clubs in the country, one of the oldest in Hollywood, and with great history of, like, so many comedians. | ||
| So many comedians started out there. | ||
| And I started out there, really. | ||
| I mean, I didn't start out there, but I got good there. | ||
| That's where I became a real comedian. | ||
| The comedy store, for sure. | ||
| I had done it before that, but, uh... | ||
| I think it was my time at the Comedy Store when I was just on TV, when I really started dedicating myself to stand-up. | ||
| That's the place that helped me develop because it's so fucked up there. | ||
| Ari and I were just talking about this last night. | ||
| He was talking about how he just started, Ari's got like, Ari Shafir has all these headlining gigs now. | ||
| He's fucking selling places out. | ||
| Is it because of this podcast? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| It's because of this podcast and his podcast. | ||
| It's just really what it was is just people weren't aware of him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and now they're aware of him now. | ||
| And I've talked about him with, I'm like, it's so good that it's happened to you now because you've been doing stand-up for 10 years. | ||
| He's ready. | ||
| Yeah, he's ready. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's been in front of the craziest crowds ever. | ||
| He's been in front of my crowds, which are like UFC fans. | ||
| First it was UFC fans, then it became podcast fans who were just fucking savages. | ||
| And then it's the store. | ||
| He's at the store in front of Maniacs. | ||
| That is like the vortex on Sunset where all the nutty fucking people come. | ||
| Just merely homeless. | ||
| Brian used to film people backstage. | ||
| We filmed like a hooker came back and told us exactly how she ran her business and explained some stuff. | ||
| We had a guy come back that told us he was the Holy Spirit. | ||
| I mean, every week we would meet some new fucking crazy person in that place. | ||
| People are crazier here than me. | ||
| They are really crazy. | ||
| That Sunset Strip is the epicenter of crazy in this country. | ||
| That Sunset Strip. | ||
| The homeless people here are scary. | ||
| Did you ever see the dude at the store that comes by with the cross? | ||
| He puts himself on a cross. | ||
| He doesn't come around anymore. | ||
| Now we actually have a way better Jesus. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| Hollywood Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, the Hollywood Jesus. | ||
| They would have these kids and they would all be yelling out different passages in the Bible while one guy was strapped to a cross, a wooden cross, and they were walking down the street with him saying, he died for your sins, he died for... | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| And they would always stop right in front of the store and proselytize. | ||
| They would stop right there. | ||
| They would figure, well, this is the place we're going to fix the world right here. | ||
| We're going to find these fucking dirty comedians smoking pot. | ||
| The worst human beings in LA. The worst entertainers. | ||
| The most depraved entertainers in LA, for sure. | ||
| Stand-up comedians at the store. | ||
| And they would stop by. | ||
| That's the episode. | ||
| It was a really, really bizarre place. | ||
| It would have made for an amazing... | ||
| They tried to do a reality show on it, but it was mostly just following Pauly around. | ||
| It was fake realities. | ||
| Pauly who? | ||
| Pauly Shore. | ||
| Remember him? | ||
| I saw him last night. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was he nice to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you guys hug or did you just shake hands? | ||
| No, just kiss on the lips. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| How'd you deal with it? | ||
| Do you hug or shake hands? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Hug or shake hands? | ||
| Shake hands to hug? | ||
| No, I think I just said hi. | ||
| I don't even think I touched it. | ||
| Just hi? | ||
| No touching? | ||
| Not even like a little... | ||
| I don't remember though. | ||
| I could be totally wrong. | ||
| You don't remember? | ||
| You might have been raped again. | ||
| Did you take a dick last night, Brian? | ||
| Sometimes UFOs pick him up in the middle of the night because he's part of the Columbus thing. | ||
| You leave Columbus, but you never really leave Columbus because the aliens will come and do additional research on you. | ||
| So that's Brian's gig. | ||
| Like Columbus, Ohio? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Which I'll be there May 17th. | ||
| Yeah, you're going to be there with Joey Diaz. | ||
| It's a Joey Diaz and Brian Redband world tour. | ||
| Yeah, and we just added a second show because the first show sold out. | ||
| So go to Desco.tv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Oh, can I say something? | ||
| My man's selling out. | ||
| Can I say a thing? | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| Say your thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm looking at my phone calendar. | ||
| Your phone calendar. | ||
| I am... | ||
| Should I go to your website? | ||
| Oh, I've got it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Tampa next weekend. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| And then Denver Comedy Works. | ||
| Oh, my phone. | ||
| The weekend of the 27th. | ||
| Oh, dude, you have a cool site. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| With muffins and shit. | ||
| And a black eye. | ||
| And once a month, this is my favorite thing I've got going on. | ||
| I'm at the Riviera. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| At the Starlight Room. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Yeah, I've got once a month I'm there, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. | ||
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| I love, I'm like loving Vegas. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| Do you think you could be like one of those, like, you know, I'm telling you, what was that woman who was the, Rita Rudner? | ||
| Yeah, does she still have a thing there? | ||
| Yeah, she still has a thing there. | ||
| Rita Rudner was always like, kind of like, you know, she was a headliner, a national headliner, but when she settled down in Vegas and like only did a show at this one place, that's when I think she started making crazy movies. | ||
| I'm loving the crowds. | ||
| It's the RIV. How long have you been doing it? | ||
| I've done two weekends already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, and it's been great. | ||
| So you do one weekend out of the month? | ||
| I do one weekend a month. | ||
| It's me headlining. | ||
| Their marketing is Amy Schumer's Slaughterhouse, and it's me and... | ||
| Jackie Monaghan and then one other female comic, like Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fun show. | ||
| It's like this old-timey theater, The Starlight. | ||
| Do you have every single weekend marked off? | ||
| Like, what if something comes up? | ||
| They've been cool about, like, I'm filming a special. | ||
| They were like, no problem, just change it. | ||
| Oh, well, that's great. | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| Like, I'm loving it. | ||
| So it's once a month? | ||
| Is it like the last weekend of every month? | ||
| No, it's kind of all over the map. | ||
| All over the map. | ||
| And so people can follow this on Twitter? | ||
| Yeah, on Twitter. | ||
| Or it'll be on my site. | ||
| On your Twitter page? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is there a Twitter page just for that show? | ||
| Not yet, but there will be. | ||
| It should be, right? | ||
| It went really well the first two weekends. | ||
| Because right now I'm splitting it with dice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| He's there. | ||
| He's supposed to do the podcast. | ||
| I gotta get a hold of him. | ||
| Yeah, he's there when I'm not there. | ||
| And maybe like, I think, and Gilbert. | ||
| Godfrey. | ||
| Oh yeah, really? | ||
| I love Gilbert. | ||
| Yeah, but it's been cool. | ||
| I'm digging the shit out of Vegas. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| You're going to be a Vegas girl. | ||
| What do you dig about Vegas? | ||
| The hookers? | ||
| The meth? | ||
| No, I don't like big crowds or people drinking for the first time, but I really like the Sunday show. | ||
| I've been there a couple days during the week now, and Vegas is very cool, not on the weekends. | ||
| What is it like? | ||
| Is it locals? | ||
| Yeah, everyone is very chill, and they're like, okay, now we have our world back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's a totally different vibe. | ||
| It's really nice. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's a crazy goddamn city. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It is a crazy goddamn city. | ||
| To have a city where everything stays open 24 hours a day, strip clubs, food, booze, cabs, keep moving, stay up. | ||
| You need coke? | ||
| I got coke. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom. | ||
| I didn't even know I needed that. | ||
| Yeah, you didn't even know you needed it until you got it. | ||
| I didn't know I needed a coke or a tranny. | ||
| Norton should move there. | ||
| No, I, uh, but it's like every night all the girls, like, they're all, like, these young girls squeezed into these tube dresses and the heels are so, like, and they've, they're just walking like, um. | ||
| They look so uncomfortable. | ||
| They don't even know what they want. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| They're putting their ass in a catapult, spreading their legs, and just launching that vagina at the crowd. | ||
| Launching it at the enemy. | ||
| But there's no way to do it. | ||
| It's like everybody's splitting. | ||
| There's ten girls in a hotel room. | ||
| Yeah, there's always that. | ||
| And the dudes are all just so psyched, wearing their... | ||
| They're just like, fuck yeah. | ||
| Men with perfume on and shit. | ||
| What do you think about cologne? | ||
| What do you think about when you're about to make out with a guy and you smell some artificial smell on him? | ||
| I like a guy's smell, normal smell, but I don't mind some Old Spice. | ||
| Old Spice. | ||
| Is that what you draw the line? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's what daddy used to have. | ||
| How many dudes do you think bought 50 cents cologne? | ||
| I still wear cologne, Joe. | ||
| I know you're against it, but I wear cologne. | ||
| Well, if I was you, I'd probably be into it. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Needs whatever help he gets. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I mean, I spray a little axe on my balls, spray a little squirt on my neck before I leave. | ||
| Does axe, when you spray on the balls, does it sting? | ||
| No. | ||
| I have no open sores like you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you. | |
| Do you not shave your balls? | ||
| I did not shave my balls. | ||
| I have shaved my balls and then put aftershave on my balls just to see what it would feel like. | ||
| How'd it go? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It was not... | ||
| I'll tell you, it didn't really... | ||
| It hurt, but it was more like... | ||
| I would say more like a really alert sensation than a pain. | ||
| Reminded you of each follicle. | ||
| It was like there was no cuts, luckily. | ||
| I didn't injure my balls during the shaving. | ||
| No nicking your balls? | ||
| No, there was no nicking. | ||
| I fortunately had a really good razor. | ||
| Was this for an event? | ||
| Yeah, the event is I like to see my balls. | ||
| The unveiling. | ||
| I don't want balls to be covered. | ||
| And now my balls are so salt and pepper. | ||
| It's so sad. | ||
| That's so sad. | ||
| It's literally maybe 20%. | ||
| No, not 20, but 10. I'd say 1 out of 10. They look like the chocolate munchkins. | ||
| Yeah, 1 out of 10 is gray. | ||
| And I'm like, they're going. | ||
| They're going, so I don't like looking at them, so I shave the balls. | ||
| They're my boobs. | ||
| No one's into gray pubes. | ||
| Not girls, not guys. | ||
| Yeah, that's not distinguished. | ||
| I saw a dude at Runyon yesterday, and he had facial hair from here down, thick. | ||
| Like, he looked like a wolf. | ||
| And he was walking with all these overweight Hispanic chicks and yelling at them, so I caught up to one of them in the front, and I was like, is that your teacher? | ||
| And she's like, Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, what's up with his hair? | ||
| And she's like, his wife likes it like that. | ||
| And I was like, oh my god. | ||
| Wow, maybe she's got a really hairy pussy and they lock up like Velcro. | ||
| Oh my god, I can't imagine. | ||
| And that's how she makes sure she keeps eating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eat that pussy, I won't let you go. | |
| Oh, you think? | ||
| Let me go out of my mouth, you start. | ||
| You think she's Hispanic? | ||
| Eat that pussy, I won't let you go. | ||
| Well, I'm thinking, you know, hairy box. | ||
| You gotta go with either that or Lebanese. | ||
| I don't know how to do a Lebanese accent. | ||
| Well, give it a shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi, guys. | |
| How's it going? | ||
| No, that's not... | ||
| No, that's... | ||
| I don't think that's Lebanese. | ||
| That's like a cartoon. | ||
| Yeah, Brian. | ||
| That's Mickey. | ||
| Hey, Mickey! | ||
| The Lebanese will fuck you up, Brian. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| Brian, you're making me sad. | ||
| Those people are no joke. | ||
| You're making me sad with your racist comments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| We're trying to, like, promote, like, unity in here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| You know how we were talking about on the podcast the other day about these giant packs of wolves in the Soviet Union? | ||
| Somebody sent me a tweet right afterwards about a story where these 400 wolves had killed 30 horses. | ||
| A pack of 400 wolves. | ||
| Apparently it's like from over a year ago. | ||
| But he just tweeted me to show me how bad it actually got. | ||
| There were pictures? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| They didn't have pictures. | ||
| They just had the article about how they're hiring teams of hunters to go after these wolves. | ||
| This is an unprecedented size pack. | ||
| They usually go in packs of less than a dozen. | ||
| Much smaller packs. | ||
| Fuck, wolves are taking over. | ||
| It's like Game of Thrones. | ||
| In the Soviet Union? | ||
| In the Soviet Union. | ||
| That's scary shit. | ||
| There's some spots where former Soviet Union... | ||
| What do you call it now? | ||
| Russia? | ||
| Cancel spring break. | ||
| What do you call it now? | ||
| Russia. | ||
| Because Russia's only part of it, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's like, I think this is happening, like, up north. | ||
| And it's, you know, these poor people are just living up there. | ||
| Wherever it is, it's north. | ||
| We can agree on that, right? | ||
| It fucking sucks. | ||
| It sucks to live up there, and apparently the wolves are starving, so they just got together. | ||
| And they said, listen, all of us together. | ||
| I guess they figured it out. | ||
| It's overpopulating? | ||
| Six people, six wolves can't really go in and kill horses. | ||
| They'll shoot you, but if there's 400 of us, we're going to get some horses. | ||
| And they're not even going to shoot at you because they're going to be terrified. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at your mouth. | ||
| Imagine just being in the Russian tundra, wherever the fuck it would be, like frozen outside, and you look out and see 400 wolves just taking down horses. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Instant boner. | ||
| Well, that was the thing about that Game of Thrones movie. | ||
| It really connected you with how these people had to live back then. | ||
| It was a real accurate depiction. | ||
| No, Joe, that show's not true. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| The White Walkers? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| What about the White Walkers? | ||
| Dragons? | ||
| I was watching it with Mrs. Rogan and I was like, what happens if one of those stupid wooden wheels breaks? | ||
| Do they have an extra wooden wheel? | ||
| You move there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You start a life there. | |
| We're going to camp here. | ||
| I'm going to find deer. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You just start eating each other. | ||
| I was looking at how slow it was moving, too. | ||
| And I'm like, that's real shit. | ||
| It moves like the way you jog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's how people got across the country. | ||
| Like speedwalk, I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Slow as fuck. | ||
| They were talking, we've been traveling for over a month. | ||
| I'm like, What? | ||
| They have to bring enough food and water for a month in this stupid big box that they're pulling on dumb wooden wheels. | ||
| And they're just hoping there's going to be a road there when they get there. | ||
| We're so spoiled. | ||
| I was mad that the valet wasn't ready with my car. | ||
| Back then, what did you have? | ||
| You had, like, a kingdom, and then you had some roads that would go off into, like, villages and shit, and everything would just be the same ground that was stepped on over and over again until it flattened out. | ||
| You know, it's like, from people walking, that's how roads are created. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There weren't, like, people doing community service upkeeping the trail. | ||
| Chris Brown wasn't out there picking up plastic cups. | ||
| With a hoe, like, ah! | ||
| This is how you use a hoe, just in case you guys, like, ever have to do some hoeing work. | ||
| Like this? | ||
| Yeah, just like this. | ||
| That's not how I do it. | ||
| What's really fucked up about that is that that's not that long ago. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Not that long ago, that's how people lived. | ||
| They just walked around and got on horses and couldn't go very far. | ||
| People are still doing it. | ||
| And then you'd have to worry about the people from, you know, over there getting all their shit together and coming over here and fucking everybody up. | ||
| You always had to worry about that. | ||
| People were always looking to take everybody's shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like, can you please just promise not to take our shit? | ||
| Like, we promise we will not fuck with you. | ||
| Yeah, when the king would get there and they'd all get off their horses. | ||
| You just had to hope that the king wasn't a fucking total psychopath. | ||
| Like, oh, this new king, he eats babies. | ||
| It's going to be a tough hundred years. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| The kings can do whatever the fuck they want. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what was really crazy. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Back in the day, that's how people lived. | ||
| And, like, groups of people are supposed to die out. | ||
| Like, species. | ||
| Like, there's all, you know, the crazy, like, deep into Africa who still, they just, like, do not give a fuck what we're doing. | ||
| And they make, like, clay bowls and no one buys them anymore. | ||
| But, like, we, like, outsource to help them. | ||
| But now we've gotten so smart with medicine and the internet that we're just staying alive forever. | ||
| And we're like, fuck God. | ||
| Whoa, that was deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who has a BA in theater? | |
| You just broke down the universe. | ||
| That should have been the opening to the new Soul Train. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Do you think if you were king, you would just go around the village and pick a different girl almost every day? | ||
| And some dudes. | ||
| Or would you just find one girl that you really like? | ||
| Because I'm a martial artist and I have discipline. | ||
| And I would know that if I did that, I would go mad. | ||
| No, just Yeah, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Brian. | |
| If I could just go barbarian style, I don't like that part of my brain. | ||
| I like to keep that part of my brain under wraps. | ||
| No, just to experience different flavors. | ||
| There's just like a total Neanderthal lurking that you have to keep into. | ||
| I got a wild chimpanzee deep in the back of my brain. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And if I'm in a hotel and it's on fire, that's when it comes out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's a bunch of people in front of a door. | ||
| We were at a hotel fire in San Francisco. | ||
| It was 4.30 in the morning and all these people were moving slow down this flight of stairs. | ||
| And I was seriously contemplating running over some fucking people. | ||
| You just started stabbing them. | ||
| Because I was like, you guys are not, first of all, a lot of people were on Ambien. | ||
| I actually talk about this in my act, because it's true. | ||
| Where people, a woman was having to explain to her husband, as he was walking down the stairs, what the fuck was going on. | ||
| It was crazy, and I was like, you fuck. | ||
| That happened to me once on Ambien. | ||
| That happened to me. | ||
| You got woken up? | ||
| I got woken up fire in the middle of the night at the hotel. | ||
| I was on Ambien, and I walked to McDonald's. | ||
| With Abraham Lincoln. | ||
| Wait a minute, where was this? | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| Ugh, it was warm out. | ||
| Maybe Florida. | ||
| Wow, you got woken up from a fire in your hotel too. | ||
| How many times has that happened to you? | ||
| I wish I could wake up. | ||
| Once. | ||
| Only once with me as well. | ||
| It was like, yeah. | ||
| It was really scary. | ||
| Everybody was outside. | ||
| Yeah, same thing as us. | ||
| They were talking, but I was like on drugs. | ||
| Brian was there. | ||
| Was it Joe Diaz? | ||
| Ari? | ||
| Was Ari too? | ||
| No, I think it was Ari. | ||
| I feel Ari was there too. | ||
| I know Joe Diaz was. | ||
| Maybe it was Duncan. | ||
| No, it wasn't Duncan. | ||
| It wasn't Duncan. | ||
| Either way, it was definitely Joey and Brian and I. Yeah, I think Ari. | ||
| I think it was Ari. | ||
| And we were all outside and we're like, this is crazy, man. | ||
| What did the ambient people look like? | ||
| They were waking up on the stairs. | ||
| Like, people were walking down the stairs. | ||
| Coming out of a blackout. | ||
| This really didn't happen. | ||
| Like, guys walking down the stairs, like, what is happening? | ||
| And the woman's like, the hotel's on fire. | ||
| I woke you up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are we? | |
| He was like, grab the rails. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| And they had this look in his face. | ||
| Like, he really didn't know how he got to that spot. | ||
| Beyond that spot. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Yeah, people have like crazy stories about being in the car on the highway and waking up and realize like, holy shit. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Like they don't even know how they got there. | ||
| They're just driving. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| And it's totally legal. | ||
| Doctors give it out like nothing. | ||
| And I know a bunch of people addicted to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I know several people addicted to it. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| I was addicted to it. | ||
| Yeah, I know a guy who takes two. | ||
| Two full ambience. | ||
| Yes, he also takes Xanax. | ||
| Like, that's not good for you. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| It's not real sleep. | ||
| It's not actual sleep. | ||
| And he's a very functional guy. | ||
| You're in like a coma. | ||
| He's a civilian. | ||
| He's a hardworking businessman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he fucking has a stressful job. | ||
| And he can't go to sleep. | ||
| He just can't go to sleep. | ||
| He runs a business. | ||
| It's a very, very complicated business. | ||
| And he does long hours and takes work home with him. | ||
| And he can't sleep, so he pops ambience. | ||
| Two is a lot. | ||
| Yeah, well, I think some people are just wrecked. | ||
| And they have so much shit going on. | ||
| They just need to shut it down. | ||
| Well, a lot of people had to really readjust in this fucked up economy, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean if you go and look at like real estate websites and like I like to look at houses just fascinated by like you know what's going on inside like construction of houses where well wow that would be cool to live there what is it like to live in you know over by the ocean what do those houses look like inside it's amazing how many houses on these real estate sites are all foreclosures foreclosure foreclosure short sale what does that mean if it's foreclosed it means that people lost their money they couldn't pay for the house anymore People are losing their houses. | ||
| They lose their house, they have to move out, and the bank owns it, and they get nothing? | ||
| No, they don't get shit. | ||
| You get out on your ass. | ||
| You could have been paying for that house for 20 years. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's not yours anymore. | ||
| You missed a year's worth of payments, and now they're going to take it from you. | ||
| You reneged on your loan. | ||
| I've always rented, and I don't have a car. | ||
| The economy, I know people are fucked, but I've never had any money, so it's never... | ||
| Never really hit you. | ||
| But it seems like really shitty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They said 40%. | |
| And you're just like, what do you do? | ||
| They said 40% of young adults between 18 and 34 live at home. | ||
| Man, that's crazy. | ||
| I would almost want to go back. | ||
| Home? | ||
| If my mom lived here, I could almost live with my mom because I'm never really home. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| No, I'm never home, but if she... | ||
| Because I use it just for sleeping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doesn't she drive you crazy? | |
| I'll tell you what, there's nothing wrong with living with your mom if your mom respects you as an adult and you love her and she's not a needy person and you can be around her and you don't have to babysit her anymore. | ||
| Is there a mom like that? | ||
| Yeah, my mom's a very easy-going person. | ||
| If my mother wanted to move in, it would be no problem. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, I think we all have to kind of take care of our moms at some point, don't we? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, if I had to take care of my mom, my mom could live with me easy. | |
| Yeah, so I think we're all going to have to She's not like, tell you what to do, watch over your business, mom. | ||
| Some people have moms that are really invasive, start problems in their life. | ||
| I have friends who literally can't talk to their moms because their moms will start drama in their lives and start picking on their girlfriend or picking on their wives. | ||
| And they don't know how to break that habit. | ||
| They've been doing it their whole lives, but then you get old enough and you realize that that behavior is insane. | ||
| You form patterns in your head based on certain Ways of behaving that you've always followed in these grooves in the past. | ||
| And they can be totally shitty grooves. | ||
| I personally, when I was younger, had a bunch of shitty grooves that I had to get my own mind out of. | ||
| I had a bunch of jealousy grooves, hater grooves, feeling sorry for myself grooves, self-defeating thoughts grooves. | ||
| But that's totally normal. | ||
| And as long as you're interested in making yourself better, then... | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you've got to recognize them and dump them. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And some people don't. | ||
| And so they find themselves an old lady picking on their kids. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| It's fucking gross. | ||
| It's so awful. | ||
| And just trying to make them need you. | ||
| Like those mothers when their kids are sick. | ||
| My mom is pretty cool. | ||
| But definitely there are some bad patterns. | ||
| But... | ||
| I can't even, like, really stay overnight in the same place as her. | ||
| Wow, okay. | ||
| Yeah, it just gets too intense. | ||
| Yeah, just with, like, some neediness. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, like, I need a ton of alone time, like, because I'm so used to being by myself. | ||
| So it'll be like, Mom, I need to just do this. | ||
| I need to write this thing. | ||
| And she'll be like, okay, okay, that's fine. | ||
| And then she'll come over and she'll put a chair in front of me and read a book in my direction. | ||
| And I'm like, that's crazy. | ||
| Do you know that that's insane what you're doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, some people don't get that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Everybody's got their own needs when it comes to time and space alone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how I would ever, I don't know how I'm gonna like ever live with somebody again. | ||
| You can live with someone, you just have to make sure that you have, you respect each other's space. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to live in a place where you can, you know, have a little room away from them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you bitchy? | |
| Like you just shut a door somewhere. | ||
| I'm a girl. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I mean like are you intense? | ||
| Are you like throwing items around the house or anything like that? | ||
| No, I want to be as drama-free as possible. | ||
| I'm not needy. | ||
| How many domestic violence holes have you made in a wall? | ||
| Domestic violence holes. | ||
| Is that your way of saying glory holes, Brian? | ||
| No, like the walls in a hole like a plaster. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| How many have I caused? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Probably a lot. | ||
| So you've seen them before a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably a dozen. | |
| So there's definitely some... | ||
| I've had a number of walls next to my head punched. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Really? | ||
| By dudes? | ||
| And you deserved it, right? | ||
| Yeah, but I was like 20. You deserved it. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| By dudes? | ||
| Chill out. | ||
| Stop yelling you deserved it, you fucking psycho. | ||
| Because you're going through a breakup right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no. | |
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| Don't take it out on me. | ||
| By dudes? | ||
| By dudes, yeah. | ||
| I dated a guy when I was in my early 20s, like when I was 19 to 21, that he didn't hit me, but I got hurt by accident all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We had one night where he... | ||
| We were like 21, like drinking a lot, like drinking martinis before we would go out. | ||
| And it was like we were in love with each other and so scared of losing each other. | ||
| And it was fucking wild and horrible. | ||
| And one night he... | ||
| We were out at a bar and I was like trying to make him jealous. | ||
| I was like dancing with another guy. | ||
| I'm 19. I'm wearing like a tube top. | ||
| I'm like life is amazing. | ||
| And he comes over and yells at me and I spit on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I so I spit on him and he like grabs me and like throws me out of the bar and chases me all over wound up like throwing me on the roof of a car. | ||
| I ran into an apartment like just ran in like for help because he was like chasing me right and these guys it was like they were obviously doing a bunch of illegal stuff like these I think it was like some sort of a gang and they were like okay just they hid me in like their bathroom and then he came there was making a scene so the guys threw me out because they didn't want the cops to come and he wound up getting a fistfight with them end of the night we're back at our apartment we live together in Santa Barbara he Um, | ||
| starts breaking glasses over his own head and then I finally find a way to run out of the apartment and he was chasing me with a knife, like American psycho chasing me around our apartment complex and I bang bang bang down a door. | ||
| Finally someone opened and I go in this apartment and it was a guy, um, Who's chopping up a woman. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I'd seen this guy around our apartment. | ||
| I walk in. | ||
| He closes the door. | ||
| I notice it smells like shit, like feces. | ||
| And I look over. | ||
| His wife is in a hospital bed. | ||
| She has no arms and legs, and her mouth is cocked open. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| This is all totally true. | ||
| I've never told this. | ||
| I haven't thought about this in years. | ||
| Then I was more scared in that house, but they called the cops for me. | ||
| I got out and moved back to New York. | ||
| Did you ever talk to that guy again? | ||
| Yeah, we're back together. | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We were kids. | ||
| We were horrible kids. | ||
| Yeah, but he had a knife. | ||
| He had a knife and he was chasing me. | ||
| What was that about? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did you talk to him afterwards? | ||
| He was drunk and he was really afraid of losing me. | ||
| So he's going to cut you open. | ||
| I don't know what his plans were. | ||
| He's going to give you a second gash. | ||
| He wanted a new hole. | ||
| After him, dating was weird because I was confused by if a guy really liked me or not. | ||
| I dated this really nice guy after him and I was just like... | ||
| I was like, are you into this? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, why? | ||
| I was like, because you've never spit on me or threatened my co-workers. | ||
| Is there any passion here? | ||
| He's like, what do you want from me? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| That's all real, yeah. | ||
| No, that's not what I mean. | ||
| Is there a real feeling like that? | ||
| Like when a guy doesn't do anything crazy or violent that he's not really into you? | ||
| No, that was just me at 22 being really fucked up by this relationship. | ||
| So that's why when someone's like... | ||
| So you really did feel that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not just joking around for the laugh, but you really felt like someone didn't like you because they weren't spitting on you or weren't being violent towards your coworkers? | ||
| That whole next year, I didn't think that the guy I was dating really cared about me because of that. | ||
| And the guy I was dating, I mean, he really did a number on me. | ||
| He would rip the shower curtain down when I was in there. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Did he do a number two? | ||
| No. | ||
| Rip the shower curtain down. | ||
| I'd be in the shower, and he would come in and rip it down and point at me and laugh. | ||
| Just crazy, horrible shit. | ||
| You were living with a crazy person. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It was really bad, but I was in love with him. | ||
| Did he have a big dick? | ||
| Yeah, he had a cock on him. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| He just rocked you. | ||
| I was 20, and he just knew how to make it happen. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| Did it make you fart? | ||
| It was 10 years ago. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, there was no shitting and farting, Brian. | ||
| I mean, but I understand when people, like, I really don't judge anybody who gets in some awful relationship, because I've always been, like, a strong, like, I don't keep my mouth shut chick, so I think, like, it could happen to anybody. | ||
| Like, you can fall in love with somebody who hurts you. | ||
| Well, especially when you're 20 years old. | ||
| You're a child. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't know anything, right. | ||
| But I've never been in a relationship with any sort of even meanness. | ||
| Since then, I don't think I've even said anything to anyone in a relationship that I regret. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Well, you learned. | ||
| Yeah, I learned. | ||
| I've seen Chase with a knife. | ||
| An apartment complex. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was really bad. | ||
| And he was really sick. | ||
| I would feel like he would grab me and I'd have a huge bruise. | ||
| And the next day I'd be like, oh, he's going to feel so bad about this. | ||
| I would feel bad for him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, never again. | ||
| That guy's my holocaust. | ||
| He didn't feel bad when he grabbed you? | ||
| When you left bruises? | ||
| He would convince me that it was my fault. | ||
| It was really like... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I was a kid. | ||
| How old was he? | ||
| My age. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had a good pimp game. | ||
| Are you one of those girls that bruise easy? | ||
| Have you ever met one of those girls where you could just pretty much touch her and then the next day you could just go like this? | ||
| Is that what you tell yourself, Brian? | ||
| You sound like maybe you're a contender. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I've actually dated somebody that seriously, she could just put her hand down too hard on a desk and she would get a bruise right here. | ||
| That's not healthy. | ||
| I get massages a lot and I don't... | ||
| That's super unhealthy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you think that is? | |
| That means she has some sort of iron deficiency. | ||
| Yeah, she should drink more water. | ||
| And you should stop shaking her. | ||
| And no more meth. | ||
| No more meth. | ||
| No more meth. | ||
| Didn't you have a relationship with somebody where you guys brought out the fucking worst in each other? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Just toxic. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, I've had those. | ||
| Yeah, especially when you're young and you don't realize what fighting in a relationship is. | ||
| Yeah, you don't know what it is supposed to be yet. | ||
| Yeah, and you say shitty things to each other and you don't realize, like, God, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| Yeah, you can't take that shit back. | ||
| It took me once to learn all of that stuff. | ||
| I got every lesson in one, dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, I got lucky that I never had anybody that crazy. | ||
| But it's fascinating to watch people, you know, when you get close to somebody, you don't know them very well, and then all of a sudden, within, like, a month or two months, you're hanging out with them every day, and you're, like, deep in their life. | ||
| You remember when you were young and you first start meeting people? | ||
| I mean, that's essentially what happens, right? | ||
| You, like, throw yourself at each other. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You're, like, so codependent. | ||
| You don't even know. | ||
| You don't know how to regulate it, right? | ||
| You're just like, us! | ||
| And then you get into their life and you go, whoa, I'm dealing with a fucking hornet's nest here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is all this craziness you got going on here? | ||
| Yeah, no more. | ||
| Now, I met a dude recently and I was trying to get him. | ||
| Cue the music, Brian. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Get some sexy music. | ||
| Get some sexy piano playing. | ||
| I hate when you do this. | ||
| You met a dude? | ||
| I met a guy. | ||
| What does the guy do? | ||
| Is he a non-comedian? | ||
| He's a non-comedian. | ||
| Does he fancy himself to be funny? | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Ooh, that's not good. | ||
| Is he successful? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| No, but he... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Strike two. | |
| But right away I just realized... | ||
| Okay, Brian, you're fired. | ||
| Brian, you are really not bringing it today. | ||
| You're in a bad place. | ||
| I'm not going to hold it against you. | ||
| I support you. | ||
| That was awful. | ||
| This is not a person, this is not a fucking sound manager in a country that would have fucked it up that bad. | ||
| I feel like you just got this equipment today and he's just pressing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did! | |
| He thinks it's cute. | ||
| What does this do? | ||
| He's just pushing that retard angle hard and strong. | ||
| So the guy is non-successful, non-comedian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does he have a dream? | ||
| Does he have a dream? | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, like everybody wants to be doing better than they're doing. | ||
| But it's just like a general, I want to be doing better. | ||
| Do you think he can be your creepy manager that steals money from you? | ||
| No, I don't think he's got the intellect. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's what I'm searching for. | ||
| You're searching for a creepy guy that steals money from you? | ||
| I want that guy that's going to just take me for everything. | ||
| A guy who's just going to come along and be your manager. | ||
| About everything, I mean my buddy. | ||
| Make deals behind your back. | ||
| Is that what happens? | ||
| Girls date guys, they become their managers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Why not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| No, I just... | ||
| What I'm saying is, at 30, like, meeting a guy now, you just, like, see... | ||
| You're like, oh, no, no, no. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm not even gonna fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, I'm not... | ||
| Let's just stop this right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Strike one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I was in a party the other night and there was a dude who just had these uber douche vibes for no reason. | ||
| You just look at a guy and you go, wait, what? | ||
| He's like, why are you the worst? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on here? | |
| There was a bunch of people I didn't know, but he had a thumb ring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's all it would take for me. | ||
| Well, I have a wallet chain. | ||
| I'm really glass houses. | ||
| I'm throwing rocks. | ||
| I don't think a wall chain is that bad. | ||
| It's no thumb ring. | ||
| He had a thumb ring and he was wearing leather flip flops and a ponytail. | ||
| And when he talked, he would like over exaggerate like the name of a country. | ||
| It's in Mozambique. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like this really like overly enthusiastic. | |
| Then I found out that he was living off the alimony from a rich woman that he had married. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, it all adds up. | ||
| It all adds up. | ||
| Oh, this is hilarious. | ||
| It's amazing when you see a guy who's like a male hustler type character. | ||
| And I saw him. | ||
| I observed him. | ||
| I watched him. | ||
| I followed him around because I was fascinated by him because he was fabulous. | ||
| And he went over to these mothers and all these mothers were hanging around. | ||
| And he's a fairly decent looking guy. | ||
| And he just goes over and tries to... | ||
| Talk really seriously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a beautiful ensemble. | |
| What an amazing bouquet of flowers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So sensitively put there. | ||
| Just so beautiful. | ||
| That'll work on some chicks. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Well, a guy that is collecting alimony from a woman is not a man. | ||
| What is worse? | ||
| That is not a man. | ||
| Yeah, and women Women shouldn't be doing it either. | ||
| It just seems awful. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I disagree if the man is taking care of a woman and she has kids. | ||
| Yeah, if she has kids. | ||
| Or if you told her she doesn't have to work, I'm rich, come with me, and then she's like, give her some money to get her shit back together again. | ||
| I think everybody deserves, you know, I don't think anybody deserves to be fucked up and on skid row or what have you if there's a way to avoid it where the other person could just be a decent and moral person. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| The problem is, breakups are so bad for the most part, a lot of times people don't want to help the other person. | ||
| They want them to be a fucking homeless person. | ||
| Yeah, so you need the courts to kind of step in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that dude... | |
| But a man! | ||
| But a man, bro! | ||
| But that dude at the party, I've had guys that do well. | ||
| Some guys that are a little bit famous... | ||
| And you see how their shit would work on somebody else. | ||
| Girls, when you ask them questions and you see something about them, they're like... | ||
| Fake sincerity. | ||
| Because we can just project everything we've ever wanted onto the dude. | ||
| But that whole game... | ||
| I wish that worked on me. | ||
| You see it coming a mile away. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Imagine how baffled you'd be every day. | ||
| Especially out here. | ||
| But the male hustler approach. | ||
| Gross. | ||
| He was talking about cleanses. | ||
| He just returned from a detox cleanse. | ||
| I was like, this guy is in a goddamn movie. | ||
| This is like a Judd Apatow movie. | ||
| And this guy is like the new age, you know. | ||
| He's like Russell Brand in some movies. | ||
| No, not even Russell Brand. | ||
| Because Russell Brand is always funny. | ||
| No, but I mean like, well he plays like a douchebag. | ||
| Yeah, but he plays a wild douchebag. | ||
| This guy isn't even wild. | ||
| He's just a mild hustler. | ||
| Does that guy like himself? | ||
| Or does he, when he's alone in the bathroom, does he look in the mirror and have to keep himself from sobbing? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| You can only hope that guy hates himself. | ||
| If anyone ever assaulted him on the street, he would just quit. | ||
| He would curl up in a ball and he would quit. | ||
| If you just said one thing to him. | ||
| If someone attacked him physically, he would fall apart. | ||
| That's why I like when those guys are in my audience. | ||
| So this guy became my science project for the party, which I did. | ||
| You just followed him around. | ||
| I started Twittering about it. | ||
| I tweeted about it while I was following this guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I watched him talk to a young boy, and that's where shit got really interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| No, not like that. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| The kid was, I should say a teenager. | ||
| The kid was about, probably like 18. I watched for 20 minutes in a bush. | ||
| And they were talking about things and, you know, the guy was doing his sort of smoldering thing with them and, you know, being wise. | ||
| And the kid asked him, what do you do? | ||
| And he didn't answer. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He didn't answer. | ||
| Because he doesn't do anything. | ||
| He had like a little pause and it was really crazy. | ||
| And then the kid asked him again. | ||
| Like he tried to like change the subject or he tried to like add something to the past statement that he, you know, the previous sentence that he went to finish it as if the guy didn't ask him what he'd do. | ||
| And then the kid asked again, what do you do? | ||
| And then he had this sort of a stutter and we're working and developing a property right now. | ||
| You know, I don't know what it is. | ||
| What the truth is, he's like, I am journaling and going to Whole Foods twice a day. | ||
| Well, it was a fascinating dude because he was doing it again. | ||
| He had gotten one rich woman to marry him and then he was there at the party with an older rich woman. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| It's upsetting. | ||
| But how can that woman... | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| People are so sad. | ||
| Well, it's, you know, people need things, and some women don't need a guy who's some wild motherfucker who's gonna run away. | ||
| You need some bitch ass that needs you to pay the bills and pretends he loves you. | ||
| Well, there was this whole article in the Atlantic magazine about how we used to think of it being part of the black culture, that it would be like the dudes were either playboys, if they're successful, they can have lots of chicks, or a deadbeat. | ||
| As a woman who's successful, you'd have to take on a deadbeat. | ||
| Strippers. | ||
| But it's not anymore. | ||
| That's totally everybody. | ||
| It's not just for one community. | ||
| That's how it is now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With dudes, because women are succeeding more and more. | ||
| And guys, there's that plateau. | ||
| Well, there's certainly positions where the roles have reversed, where the woman's taking care of the man. | ||
| Especially older women and younger, better-looking men. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That shit's, like, super common. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| As long as a woman... | ||
| It's, like, just like men and young girls that are, like, a little bit lost. | ||
| They take care of them. | ||
| You know, they're older men with a lot of money. | ||
| That shit's going on. | ||
| Especially in this economy, there's guys that are putting their ass up in the air. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Can you hook me up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can get you hooked up. | |
| Have you ever been to that website? | ||
| Howard Stern always talks about cougar life. | ||
| Have you ever been to that website? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a website with cougars that just want to get down and fuck. | ||
| And so you get all these girls that have been taken care of that just got out of a divorce and now they're super rich. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
| I find it hard to believe that those hot ones need a fucking website. | ||
| I think those girls are getting dick hurled at them everywhere they go. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I find it hard to believe that if they don't have friends, someone's trying to fuck a relationship. | ||
| Well, what's the idea with the site? | ||
| Is it like, let's go to dinner, or is it like, just come over and fuck me? | ||
| Let's go out and eat and have some drinks. | ||
| Oh, it is? | ||
| Go out and eat and have some drinks? | ||
| Well, then it doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| They know they only have about 30 or 40 days of moisture left in their room. | ||
| And they want to use every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Until it just packs in for the rest of the life. | |
| Goes into a permanent state of hibernation. | ||
| And then they've got to sneak lube in there. | ||
| Which is always embarrassing. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| I was just about to bone. | ||
| The girl sneaks lube? | ||
| She's going to sneak some lube in there. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| I'm going to go to the bathroom. | ||
| She goes to the bathroom and sneaks some lube in there. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Because the box is done. | ||
| The box is done. | ||
| The box is done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All it can do. | |
| So it's a sandbag. | ||
| You're fucking a sandbag right now. | ||
| You're fucking the Mojave. | ||
| You're fucking two slabs of beef jerky. | ||
| That is so hot. | ||
| Make a tube out of beef jerky and fuck that. | ||
| You guys are talking about my future right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| All calloused. | ||
| You're enhancing a callous. | ||
| In the inside of your vagina, if you were like a hooker and just insisted on fucking all day, every day, you really had a lot of money that you owed. | ||
| Yeah, it must. | ||
| I'll take them all. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Next. | ||
| Next. | ||
| Is it possible to get a callous in your pussy? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| It's like skidding your knee. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| I bet it would have to... | ||
| If you let it heal a little bit, it would probably callous. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But who has time? | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| Who has the time? | ||
| What do you think is the number? | ||
| The woman who's fucked the most dudes ever. | ||
| What do you think the number is? | ||
| Like at once? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, in her life. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Most different dudes. | ||
| It's gotta be a lot. | ||
| We had a male porn star on a podcast recently and I was like, how many people did you fuck last year? | ||
| And he was just like, I don't know, a lot. | ||
| I'm like, would you say over 200? | ||
| He's like, probably over 300. And I'm like, what? | ||
| Well, you think about it, if he's a porn star, he's probably working how many days a week? | ||
| Probably like four or five. | ||
| They weren't that much? | ||
| And how many different girls do you think he fucks in a day? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Usually like a lot of these movies, you're doing like the whole movie in like one sitting, like four different scenes, four different girls. | ||
| In one day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you have to come three times in one day? | ||
| Oh, he probably... | ||
| I don't think they come a lot. | ||
| That's why in the end, the most disappointing thing when you're watching a porn and the guy's like, oh, oh, oh. | ||
| That's not disappointing for me. | ||
| And he's trying to shake it. | ||
| And the girl's like getting her spit bubbles on it to make it seem like as if it's bigger. | ||
| She's pretending to gag. | ||
| I see what's going on there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| She's sneaking lube in her mouth. | ||
| You have a very small and unimpressive load, sir. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know about other girls, but for me, the size of the load does not matter. | ||
| Doesn't it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wouldn't you be more excited if a guy came like a whole shitload? | ||
| Like, wow, he's so excited. | ||
| Like, look at all this. | ||
| And instead of a guy like this, I guess it's pretty good. | ||
| I'll just drop a loader. | ||
| Doesn't seem very enthusiastic. | ||
| Not very complimentary. | ||
| Oh, I don't think I would take it personally. | ||
| More! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's the rest? | |
| This is bullshit. | ||
| You're only that excited? | ||
| How about I cut you off for a week and see if we can pick up the volume, soldier? | ||
| Yeah, no, that is not on my mind. | ||
| Some girls are into that, though. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, some girls like big loads. | ||
| Did you find that, Brian? | ||
| Yeah, I think they don't like the thick ones. | ||
| You know, once in a while when you don't have a lot of water, you're drinking a lot, and it's like that. | ||
| You're so unhealthy, dude. | ||
| Like, it would just, if you went like this, it would just stay unhealthy. | ||
| Yeah, like, it's almost like lumpy, like mashed potatoes, or cottage cheesy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's got frozen yogurt loads. | ||
| See, I love that. | ||
| Yeah, you like that? | ||
| It's like grapes. | ||
| It sticks to the bones like a good soup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I want, like, full just clam chowder. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's funny that some girls actually do like loads. | ||
| They like to swallow them. | ||
| I guess it can be fun if it's more, if you're in the mood for that sort of thing. | ||
| Some girls love it. | ||
| It's like their favorite thing. | ||
| Loads in their mouth. | ||
| It's seasonal for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, in the summer, you've had a few Coronas. | ||
| You can use the salt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't afford Proactive anymore. | ||
| You know, they say... | ||
| Is it good for your skin? | ||
| Yeah, that's why I look so young, Joe. | ||
| Guys say that. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guys say that. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| I would think soap would probably do just as good a job. | ||
| I'll just get some Oil of Olay and respect myself. | ||
| Oil of Olay? | ||
| Is that shit real? | ||
| Oil of Olay? | ||
| Yeah, that's legit. | ||
| Is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Still around? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I use. | ||
| Oil of Olay. | ||
| Isn't that supposed to keep women young forever? | ||
| I mean, look at me. | ||
| I'm 50. I got something better that you should try. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll talk about it. | |
| I don't think so, Brian. | ||
| Do you guys remember the Solo Flex woman? | ||
| There was like a 50-year-old lady. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| That bitch was hot. | ||
| And she was like 50. And she's on Cougar Life now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is she? | |
| Probably. | ||
| Do you think she's still rocking it? | ||
| When you're 50 in like 2003, that's a long time ago, man. | ||
| That is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Things have changed. | |
| Back then you were hot, but the wall is near. | ||
| Time keeps ticking. | ||
| There's not much you can do about that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Aging as a woman just seems like so awful. | ||
| It's a motherfucker for everybody. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| 30. There's no getting around it either. | ||
| You've got five more years until you hit the wall. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's so nice. | ||
| You can hold it off a little bit if you stay in shape. | ||
| Hold it off a little bit. | ||
| I run. | ||
| I think that keeps people young. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, but your knees are going to get jacked. | ||
| Do you run on the concrete or are you running on... | ||
| No. | ||
| I run either on the treadmill or a dirt thing. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I ice my stuff. | ||
| I roll them. | ||
| You should sleep in oxygen. | ||
| Do you run on your toes? | ||
| You know, they say like those toe shoes. | ||
| That's really the way to run. | ||
| Yeah, but then I'll be a douchebag. | ||
| I hate people. | ||
| Do you have those shoes? | ||
| I have them, yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I don't wear them except to work out. | ||
| I wear them when I work out. | ||
| I wear them when I kick the bag sometimes if it's cold outside. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're like little piglets. | ||
| My gym is in my garage, and sometimes it's like, if it's 40 degrees out, I'm working out at 40 degrees. | ||
| It's hard to kick a leather bag with your bare foot. | ||
| Yeah, but you're like a serious fitness dude. | ||
| When I see people running around Central Park in those footies, and I'm just like... | ||
| Is it helping you that much? | ||
| What it is is the way people run is an unnatural way. | ||
| The way people run where you go heel and then down to your toes. | ||
| That's not how you run if you were running out barefoot in the world. | ||
| You would run and you would use the natural design of your foot as a shock absorber. | ||
| And that's what people do. | ||
| Instead of drop down on your heel because you have a big pad there. | ||
| Because a shoe company has put an artificial pad in the back of your heel. | ||
| heel the the literally change the way people run yeah but don't we offer that before that people would have to run and the naturally to do is to land on a ball your foot and you if you look at the design of the foot your foot bands and gives you land on the toe in the ball the foot and then it gives and what these shoes and any any barefoot like exercise program I lift weights barefoot, and I'll do a lot of different things, different exercises barefoot. | ||
| And the idea behind it is that that's a natural way for your body to carry stress and to move things around, and that if you run on the ball of your foot like that, it actually saves your body all the damage that a lot of people get from the pounding of knees. | ||
| So that's why the toe. | ||
| Wouldn't the natural way not be on concrete, though? | ||
| Yes, you're absolutely right. | ||
| Concrete is bad, period, for anybody, any way you run. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It doesn't give. | ||
| Nice dirt, like if you're on a nice dirt hill, you know, when you hit that thing, it compacts a little, compacts a little. | ||
| There's a nice dirt hill near a house that I used to run until there was three fucking mountain lion sightings in my neighborhood. | ||
| You're changing up the routine. | ||
| I'm not running this hill anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| But it was a nice, steep dirt hill, and you could feel it give as you ran into it. | ||
| But isn't it bad to run in the sand? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Running in the sand is fantastic for you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you've got to build your body up. | ||
| I wouldn't recommend it to someone who's not in shape. | ||
| No, I loved running on the beach and then, like, barefoot. | ||
| But then I heard, like, that's not... | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| Who told you there's anything wrong with that? | ||
| Sand is great. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I listen to every piece of advice. | ||
| I'm going to probably go get those shoes. | ||
| Running on the sand is hard. | ||
| It's hard to run. | ||
| I mean, as long as you don't step on something. | ||
| But, you know, if you step on something, you're fucked. | ||
| Broken bottles and shit. | ||
| I mean, if you trust the beach... | ||
| But if you're running barefoot in the sand, that's really good for you. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Yeah, so is running sand dunes. | ||
| That's fucking incredibly good for you. | ||
| You know what makes me insane? | ||
| I'm always in hotels, of course, and in hotel gyms. | ||
| When people just come in to just check it out, don't you always see couples? | ||
| They'll come down. | ||
| It's a gym. | ||
| You can tell how nice a hotel is. | ||
| You're going to know how nice a gym is. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| It just makes me so mad. | ||
| Wow, you don't like being looked at while you're looking at it. | ||
| No, I love being looked at. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| They just come in, they don't commit, they don't sit. | ||
| You're like, alright, someone's going to flirt with me while we train together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's it. | |
| You know, that's the cool thing about these mirrors. | ||
| They're in the corners. | ||
| You can just look one way. | ||
| They don't even know if you're looking at that. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| I'm like, can we get some mirrors on the ceilings in here? | ||
| Or you laugh inappropriately at like an episode of Friends. | ||
| So he has to say, what is so funny? | ||
| Oh my god, I forgot how funny Friends was. | ||
| Oh, it's one of my favorite shows. | ||
| Is this how I flirt? | ||
| Is this how I meet someone? | ||
| You would be the worst dating coach. | ||
| You would be the worst wingman of all time. | ||
| Listen, I'm just creating scenarios. | ||
| These scenarios are terrible. | ||
| Coming up with answers. | ||
| Dudes have questions. | ||
| You know, Amy Schumer's at the gym. | ||
| How am I going to make this happen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, by laughing loudly at friends. | ||
| Yeah, really, really loud. | ||
| That'll make an impact. | ||
| I would say the girl would be the one who laughs really loudly. | ||
| And see, you're upset that the people come in where they just look because they're not going to play your game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't look at me. | |
| You feel like this is another person. | ||
| This is a new player has entered the game. | ||
| You know, when you're at the gym and you're on your little elliptical machine and you listen to your Donna Summer's music... | ||
| None of this happens. | ||
| You're thinking of, like, your mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, this is so... | |
| I'm picturing you with a purple iPod Nano. | ||
| No, not even a Nano. | ||
| What's the one with the clip on? | ||
| Let's just take it back to a Walkman. | ||
| How about I have a Walkman? | ||
| And I have a perm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shuffle. | |
| Leg warmers. | ||
| A headband. | ||
| You have no shoes on because they haven't invented shoes yet. | ||
| You just aged me 30 years. | ||
| You're eating my heart. | ||
| No. | ||
| And you get upset, you look up and it's some people just looking at the gym. | ||
| No. | ||
| You have me all wrong at the gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You have me all wrong at the gym. | ||
| What is your mindset when you go to the gym? | ||
| What's the thought process? | ||
| I listen to Biggie and Odd Future, and I listen to bad shit, and I run like I'm angry. | ||
| You're angry. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| What do you think about when you're really pushing yourself? | ||
| Do you think about the ex-boyfriend with the knife running through the apartment complex? | ||
| I should. | ||
| I think about you, and then I pause the treadmill so I can come, and then I get back on, and I just push through. | ||
| And she realizes that she is orgasmed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Without even knowing it. | ||
| Did you realize that a lot of women are admitting now that there was a study done on it that a lot of women are achieving orgasm during strenuous exercise? | ||
| What? | ||
| That sounds great. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| I'll Google it here. | ||
| Study shows... | ||
| Just put those little balls in there and it worked out. | ||
| I was so sick in the hospital. | ||
| I haven't masturbated in like a week. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I forgot about it. | ||
| That's how sick I was. | ||
| Have you ever mutually masturbated with another guy? | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| Why not just fuck? | ||
| I guess because when you're together a long time, you're trying to make things fun. | ||
| Women have orgasms at the gym study shows. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's really true. | ||
| What are they doing at the gym? | ||
| Findings add qualitative and quantitative data to a field that has been largely unstudied. | ||
| A field. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What really makes the vagina go pop, pop, pop? | ||
| That's my field! | ||
| That's my field. | ||
| I'm in the orgasm field. | ||
| A field. | ||
| Has women's orgasms been a field? | ||
| Largely unstudied, according to researcher Debbie. | ||
| Oh, Debbie, you silly bitch. | ||
| Debbie. | ||
| Debbie probably loves pussy. | ||
| Always thinking about her clit. | ||
| Debbie probably loves pussy. | ||
| Clit dab. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Debbie probably has a flashlight, and she, like, licks it while she's sitting there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Pussy. | ||
| This is so awesome. | ||
| This is my field. | ||
| I'm doing research on my field. | ||
| Debbie's in the field, you guys. | ||
| You can't talk. | ||
| Debbie, you're awesome. | ||
| Thank you for your work. | ||
| Co-director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University. | ||
| For instance, Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues first reported the phenomenon in 1953, saying about 5% of women they had interviewed mentioned orgasm linked to physical exercise. | ||
| Wow, that's fucking awesome for those five chicks. | ||
| What is this, Brian? | ||
| The report of so-called coregasms, named because of their seeming link to exercises for core abdominal muscles, have circulated in the media for years according to the researchers. | ||
| So apparently it's working your core. | ||
| So getting on the knees and tightening up the pussy, that shit's real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What you want to do is you get on your knees, okay, and then I want you to rock your ass back to your heels and then pull yourself up with your abs while you're squeezing your pussy. | ||
| Why don't I just rub my clit? | ||
| Like why all the work? | ||
| Because you can do this while you're at work and no one even knows. | ||
| You can do it while you're performing some exercise and you get some good rock solid abs. | ||
| Try it right now. | ||
| See if it works. | ||
| Of the women who had orgasms during exercise... | ||
| 45% said their first experience was linked to abdominal exercises. | ||
| 45%, 19% due to biking and spinning. | ||
| 9.3%. | ||
| Well, that's why Mrs. Rogan likes the spinning. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| I could see spinning. | ||
| I've gotten excited on a bicycle. | ||
| 9.3% linked to climbing poles or ropes. | ||
| My stomach is still out from all the saline solution. | ||
| 7% reported a connection with weightlifting. | ||
| What is the saline solution? | ||
| They had a pump in your... | ||
| Because I was so dehydrated. | ||
| Yeah, they pumped five big IV bags in... | ||
| So I feel like okay now, but I still have all the water weight. | ||
| Now when you were really sick, did you try to drink water or was it dehydration from throwing up? | ||
| I tried, but I threw it up. | ||
| I threw up on somebody giving me x-rays in the hospital. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It was really, really bad. | ||
| So what did you call the place that gave you the crab cake in Phoenix? | ||
| Well, it was at my hotel. | ||
| But their insurance is paying whatever my insurance is. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So they've admitted that it's their fault? | ||
| I had two meals that day and they were both at my hotel. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| There's no question. | ||
| No ifs, ands, or buts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I was there working. | ||
| I'd done press all morning. | ||
| I didn't drink or anything like that. | ||
| I ate clams. | ||
| They're being cool about it. | ||
| I ate clams in Illinois, in Manteno, Illinois, and kind of fucking horribly sick ones. | ||
| That night, like five, six hours later, it just started to hit me. | ||
| The cramping was the worst. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long did it take before it kicked in? | ||
| Maybe an hour and a half. | ||
| After you ate it, only an hour and a half? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Wow, that's incredible. | ||
| That must be really bad. | ||
| They say it takes hours, usually. | ||
| Sometimes it does, but I had the same thing happen to me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, about two months ago, where I was driving home, I was like, I'm going to shit myself right now. | ||
| Oh, just bubbling inside of you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It hit, like, a little, like, an hour and a half, two hours, and then it really hit. | ||
| The worst one ever got me was from a mushroom pizza. | ||
| I was in Providence, Rhode Island at a comedy club and I ordered a mushroom pizza, one of those frozen pizzas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That was the only thing I ate and holy shit that crippled me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you think it was? | |
| The mushrooms. | ||
| The mushrooms. | ||
| Especially, it's very possible that in these places like they dehydrate things or rather defrost things and then refreeze them. | ||
| Oh, and that's really bad. | ||
| Really bad. | ||
| Can you eat mushroom pizza now? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| You can? | ||
| I don't think, I can't imagine ever, I couldn't even say the word crab cake until today. | ||
| Well, I threw up when I was a kid to some Jack Daniels. | ||
| I was like 14. Me too! | ||
| That was my first puking from booze. | ||
| Yeah, I threw up in a cab. | ||
| I threw up on the street. | ||
| How much did you drink? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It was a lot though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were throwing up while having sex? | ||
| Have I? No. | ||
| Or have you been with a girl that threw up while having sex? | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| Like we were about to get it on and then she started throwing up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, I've had that. | ||
| I had... | ||
| Just jerk off in her mouth. | ||
| Just hold her down. | ||
| Grab her hair. | ||
| She tries to fight. | ||
| It's for her skin. | ||
| It's not because you wanted to have an orgasm. | ||
| You get to pin down the left arm with your shin, the right arm. | ||
| How horrible. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's your move. | ||
| That's Games of Thrones style. | ||
| That is... | ||
| That's the one thing you see about all the raping and pillaging going on back then. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| That's really how people lived. | ||
| They just took whatever they wanted. | ||
| You really had to put out... | ||
| Yeah, there wasn't a lot of arguing with barbarians. | ||
| There was no like, oh, let's wait. | ||
| Like, let's wait a month. | ||
| It was like, um, get on your knees. | ||
| Do you find yourself not attractive to a man if he is, uh, if he's like struggling, or if he's like, he doesn't have his shit together, or if he makes less money than you, or is less successful than you? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my god, I am like blue-collar fever. | ||
| I've never dated anyone with money. | ||
| I like dudes like... | ||
| Yeah, but I mean... | ||
| I like the Marlon Brando streetcar. | ||
| Oh, you're like a poet with no money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I like... | ||
| Yeah, I'm easy. | ||
| I want a guy that's smart. | ||
| And, yeah. | ||
| So you wouldn't mind if you've got a guy and he understands that your job is to be smart and nice and know how to fuck me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then we can get married. | ||
| And then you guys could go on the road together and he could just like, what, read books? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I need a lot of alone time. | ||
| Oh, well, I didn't know he was going to be eating my pussy all that much. | ||
| Yeah, he can come. | ||
| He can come. | ||
| I'll be at Denver. | ||
| No, I, yeah. | ||
| What's your ideal guy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I hope I have not met anybody like whoever he is yet. | ||
| But yeah, I think I want like a simple ass, like smart, confident dude that's easy. | ||
| With no job or should he have a job? | ||
| Like a job would be nice, but I don't... | ||
| But he doesn't have to have one for you. | ||
| Well, like, I want him to... | ||
| He could be, like, something weird, like a sculptor or something. | ||
| Like, I don't need him to have, like, a great job. | ||
| Well, listen, there's a lot of sculptors in Vegas. | ||
| For real. | ||
| No, I really don't want to date a sculptor. | ||
| That was a bad joke. | ||
| Well, those guys that have to work on, like, the Venetian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop sculpting. | |
| Get a job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| Sculptors all over the world right now just lost hope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| I really don't think I would ever date a guy in finance or something like that. | ||
| Like some suit wearing. | ||
| I don't think I would date a guy that wore a suit. | ||
| Too scary? | ||
| Or too boring? | ||
| Like all those. | ||
| Evil, scary, boring. | ||
| I can't relate. | ||
| Those guys aren't, most of them are normal guys. | ||
| The suits? | ||
| One of my best friends is an accountant, and he's fucking crazy. | ||
| Maybe I'll wind up with that accountant. | ||
| Behind all that, he's crazy. | ||
| He's just stuck buttoned down all day, but, you know, he loves, like, when I talk to him on the phone, he's crazy. | ||
| He's a regular dude, but he just has a job. | ||
| And he's good at it, so he gets paid well. | ||
| So, you know, that's what he does. | ||
| You like cats and dogs? | ||
| I like dogs. | ||
| Do you hate cats? | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| What the fuck kind of questions are these, Brian? | ||
| You always bring something down to a six-year-old level. | ||
| I'm writing out her profile for her. | ||
| Oh, stop. | ||
| What's your favorite color? | ||
| No, I'm good. | ||
| Please tell me the truth. | ||
| I need to know. | ||
| We start playing M.A.S.H. I think I don't know what I want. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Are men intimidated by the fact that you're a comedian ever? | ||
| I would assume so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They don't want to start talking shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They've seen you at roasts with Mike Tyson. | ||
| You went head-to-head with Mike Tyson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm not going to be scared of some firemen from Hoboken. | |
| Yeah, is that what you're looking for? | ||
| Firemen from Hoboken. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| Just like a Patrick Swayze type dude in a movie from the 1980s. | ||
| Talk slower. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, take your pants off. | ||
| I don't know what I want. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Well, we're not trying to marry you off, right? | ||
| We just went down that road and we stuck with it for no reason. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trying to get some entertainment out of it. | ||
| So here's the podcast. | ||
| Sorry, you guys. | ||
| I was supposed to make it funny and I'm like really telling you. | ||
| No, you're doing great. | ||
| Here's the podcast. | ||
| She goes on a date. | ||
| Every episode's a different date that we hook you up with. | ||
| It's a good way to get her killed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you guys are going to be murdered in one week. | ||
| Yeah, you can't trust men. | ||
| Too many dudes are creepy. | ||
| It would be nice if we could trust them, but we can't really send you out. | ||
| No, it's all people we know, though, or something. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| How many dudes do you know? | ||
| You guys aren't setting me up. | ||
| I really, truly don't trust you guys. | ||
| No. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I have a lot of black friends. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| I've never been with a black guy. | ||
| He's got a lot of black and lesbian friends, so he's got whatever you need that's going to shock your parents. | ||
| I'm going to Asian girls. | ||
| Asian girls. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| So there's this thing that happened today that I don't totally completely understand, but it's some new Obama jobs act that he just signed, and Matt Taibbi wrote this blog about how fucking terrible it is. | ||
| What's the act? | ||
| I don't completely understand it, but the way it's been explained to me is that it essentially almost legalizes fraud. | ||
| The idea is that it used to be that if you wanted to take a company public, you had to file all sorts of paperwork and hire an accountant and have all these financial statements in place, but now they say you don't need to hire an accountant before the company is taken public, nor do you need to do so for five years after the company goes public. | ||
| So it's almost like you can Fucking lie about your financial statements for five years without any independent accounting of your claims. | ||
| I don't totally completely understand it. | ||
| I'm reading Matt Taibbi's getting money and lying. | ||
| And when things go public, manipulating the stock market. | ||
| I don't understand what the pros are of this thing. | ||
| See, when they sign an act... | ||
| There's usually a lot of shit in there. | ||
| It's not just one statement. | ||
| Right, but people pull out the one thing and that's... | ||
| They put things in like this that make it easier for certain businesses or make it easier for certain special interest groups that, you know, it's like, we'll give you this, but you've got to give us that. | ||
| So I don't know what the positive benefit of this Jobs Act is. | ||
| We've got to find out. | ||
| But according to... | ||
| Matt Taibbi. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| It's really strange. | ||
| He equates it. | ||
| He says it's like formally eliminating steroid testing for the first five years of a baseball player's career. | ||
| You can pretty much bet that you're going to see a lot of home runs in those first few years after you institute a rule like that. | ||
| But you better be ready to stick a lot of asterisks in the record books 10 or 15 years down the line. | ||
| Which is a great analogy. | ||
| If this is correct, if you really don't have to have the proper accounting for a company to go public for the first five years, that's like... | ||
| This is craziness. | ||
| It's like they keep passing more and more laws and they keep doing more and more things to control people and to make it, to limit our ability to defend ourselves against the government. | ||
| And they keep doing more and more things that allow people to somehow or another siphon money out of the system. | ||
| And you gotta wonder, where does this end? | ||
| When do they stop making new bills and start trying to fix this fucking ridiculous government that we have? | ||
| Well, the foreclosure bill, what we were just talking about with how all those houses foreclosing, Obama just passed that bill. | ||
| What does that bill state? | ||
| Like a month ago. | ||
| What does it do? | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was pretty good. | ||
| It sounded pretty good. | ||
| What does it do? | ||
| There were a bunch of different facets of it, but one of it was like, your house can't be foreclosed on... | ||
| In the first three years, like if you served in the military. | ||
| Like just things that you were like, this wasn't already a rule. | ||
| Yeah, just like helping out. | ||
| Helping people get a chance. | ||
| Yeah, so like trying to get their house back. | ||
| Well, I'm all pro that, but this is terrible. | ||
| I need to know more about this. | ||
| I need to know more about this too, but what I'm reading right now is fucking terrifying. | ||
| I see all these things like the National Defense Authorization Act, all these different rules that are going to allow them to have fucking drones in the sky in the next 20 years. | ||
| There's going to be 30,000 drones flying through the sky. | ||
| What's a drone? | ||
| Flying a machine that can take video and send back real-time data and work on a 4G connection, or by that time, 7 or 8G, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| You guys have so much information in here. | ||
| I think ignorance is bliss. | ||
| I'm going to keep on being retarded. | ||
| It's probably a good move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree. | |
| You've got to find that dude that doesn't have a job who likes to play the cello. | ||
| I'm cool without a dude right now, you guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like you guys think I just go home and I'm just like, meh. | |
| A dude would have taken care of you with some good dick and you wouldn't have that food poisoning. | ||
| You think? | ||
| He would straighten you out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You throw up once, get it all out of your system. | ||
| He pumps you full of some hot lead. | ||
| Some sweet. | ||
| Energizes you back up. | ||
| Can you imagine if loads actually energized you? | ||
| If women would be mad if you didn't fuck them. | ||
| I would never fight with a dude again. | ||
| Yeah, because that's the way you got by. | ||
| Could you imagine if we needed each other that way? | ||
| Like, we were like... | ||
| You know, like, if you hit the brakes on one of those electric cars, it actually recharges the battery. | ||
| Could you imagine if that's the way humans recharge? | ||
| We gotta fuck? | ||
| Like, procreating is not enough for us to stay together. | ||
| It's gotta be something more appealing. | ||
| What if we start evolving like that in that direction? | ||
| You know, they say that people need physical attention. | ||
| You absolutely need affection from other people. | ||
| It's like our bodies need it. | ||
| It desires it at a core level. | ||
| What if it turns into not just that, but you actually need to fuck? | ||
| And then if you don't fuck, your body just rots away and dies. | ||
| And the only way to keep moving is if you have to fuck. | ||
| You have to fuck each other. | ||
| What if you're gay? | ||
| So you'd be mad. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Gay guys would probably engineer, do some genetic engineering on their loads so that they figured out how a guy can absorb it through his ass. | ||
| We'd have to time it right. | ||
| Like, what if a guy had to take a shit? | ||
| Oh, yeah, you can't. | ||
| And then he takes a shit and he shits out all the good sperm and then you don't evolve. | ||
| You really have to figure out the timing on that. | ||
| Seriously, it's not preposterous to think that we would need each other. | ||
| I mean, we need each other. | ||
| I mean, you know how you get addicted to sex, right? | ||
| If you're in a relationship and you first start having sex. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Especially right in the beginning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't you feel like addicted? | ||
| It's all you think about. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You start thinking about it when you can't wait to get together with each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a total drug. | ||
| Yeah, it is like a total drug. | ||
| But that's one of the reasons why people are so angry when people leave them. | ||
| It's like you're taking my drug away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're taking my thing away. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What if it was even more intense than that and it literally got to a point where your body would register very obvious changes whether or not you had sperm inside your body. | ||
| It's actual withdrawal. | ||
| Yeah, and whether a guy got rid of it. | ||
| The guy has to get rid of it. | ||
| He doesn't get rid of it. | ||
| He dies. | ||
| It's burning him up, you know? | ||
| It's not much different than reality. | ||
| I would rather die than have sex with anybody I've ever had sex with. | ||
| Ever in the past? | ||
| Is there one guy when you look back and go, that one could have worked out better. | ||
| Maybe I just fucking should have went for that finger in the ass thing. | ||
| Did what you asked. | ||
| No, I've always gone for the finger in the ass. | ||
| But no, yeah, no. | ||
| Have you ever had a guy ask you to do something creepy and you were like, that's where I gotta go? | ||
| I don't think I've ever had anybody ask me something that was too creepy that I said no. | ||
| A girl told me to fuck her cunt once. | ||
| I was like, whoa. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| It was just like, whoa. | ||
| Fuck my cunt. | ||
| I'm like, is that what you call it? | ||
| Isn't that what it is? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Can we change your terminology a little bit? | ||
| See, I talked about this on ONA, but I was like dirty texting with a guy, and he... | ||
| And I wrote something like I was going to sit on his face or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| And he wrote back, like, alright, but like, oral's going to go both ways. | ||
| And I was just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Is this a negotiation? | ||
| What a douchebag. | ||
| I think when it comes to talking shit in the bedroom, it's got to kind of be... | ||
| Anything goes, unless it's a complete insanity, but if a guy's ever mentioned something I've said while having sex after, I'm like, are you fucking crazy? | ||
| We do not talk about that. | ||
| That is a secret. | ||
| That is a circle of trust that you are... | ||
| I would never be like, wow, at dinner after you fuck someone, you talk shit, you're like, so... | ||
| Call me a whore non-stop. | ||
| You gotta just keep it in there. | ||
| If something makes you uncomfortable, you have to be like, that's not cool. | ||
| Don't call me your sister. | ||
| What do you do if something like that happens? | ||
| You pull them aside when you're having dinner? | ||
| Or do you go, can I talk to you for a second? | ||
| How do you right that ship? | ||
| I've just broken up with them. | ||
| Too much work. | ||
| I had one guy, the sex got too weird. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| We needed to watch people. | ||
| He needed to watch me watch porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| And at first it was like, okay. | ||
| It's pretty hot. | ||
| It was fun at first. | ||
| And then it was like... | ||
| That's all he wanted to do? | ||
| He wanted to catch me watching porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| And then have sex while I watched porn. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's kind of hot. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It is kind of hot. | ||
| But I don't like the catching you. | ||
| I just want you to... | ||
| What if it's like creepy porn? | ||
| Porn with girls with tits are just way too big and they stretch out and you see the bag every time they flop up and down. | ||
| Or it's him with his dad. | ||
| That is... | ||
| No, it was like pretty normal run-of-the-mill DP. It's hard getting regular normal porn. | ||
| Everybody wants to throw up and gag and spitting assholes. | ||
| It's hard finding regular porn these days. | ||
| Oh, it's easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not too hard. | |
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I see a lot of gagging. | ||
| There's a lot of... | ||
| Well, the websites you go to... | ||
| When did that become the fucking normal move, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Every fucking one. | ||
| Surprise. | ||
| The girl's mouth isn't even on it. | ||
| They're not even... | ||
| They can't really close their mouth because the guy's kind of fucking the back of their throat. | ||
| I just wish there was a mix of the ending sometimes. | ||
| It's like, spoiler alert, she's gonna get a load on her face. | ||
| Oh, don't ruin the ending of this one. | ||
| They're all the same. | ||
| Well, sometimes they do what they call cream pies. | ||
| That's very popular now. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's like when they show it inside the pussy? | ||
| Yes, the man orgasms in the girl's pussy and then she squirts it out. | ||
| Oh, she squirts it out? | ||
| Yeah, she spreads her lips and it oozes out of her. | ||
| And there's anal cream pies. | ||
| Mom cream pies. | ||
| Yeah, there's oral cream pies. | ||
| What are you kids these days? | ||
| I can't keep up. | ||
| I can't keep up. | ||
| You gotta be a strong man to date one of those girls. | ||
| Like, I never watch the end of porn. | ||
| Yeah, I never get to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't? | |
| You know, it's like, I only need the... | ||
| Do you watch porn by yourself? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you watch porn because you're excited by it? | ||
| Because a lot of girls are not. | ||
| I am. | ||
| You are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're a freak. | ||
| Are you a freak? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little bit. | |
| I'm still figuring myself out. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| No, but I didn't like porn when I was younger. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was living with a boyfriend, and he would watch porn, and I would see that he had left it on the computer, and I would be like, that's cheating on me! | ||
| And I was young and dumb. | ||
| And then this poor guy, because now I love porn. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, no, I watch porn. | ||
| Have you ever thought about doing, like, the AVN Awards? | ||
| Like, hosting that? | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| I was supposed to host this, like, escort awards this year. | ||
| For, like, hookers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have an award. | ||
| Whoa, they have an award show? | ||
| I think it's just guys, but they have an award show. | ||
| It was in New York. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Guy escorts? | ||
| It's male escorts. | ||
| It must be gay. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Right before they said, I think they saw my stand-up and fired me. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But they were like, oh, we decided not to have a comic. | ||
| Well, they probably saw you and thought, this bitch is going to talk about us. | ||
| She'll be good and For like 10 minutes in her act. | ||
| You would, for sure, that would be part of your act. | ||
| I would have. | ||
| I was so excited. | ||
| The money wasn't that great. | ||
| I was like, of course, I'll do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They were like, I think they made like a, they tried to insult me with how low the offer was. | ||
| I was like, nice try. | ||
| I'm coming. | ||
| I was like, I'm going to be there. | ||
| I'm going to bring my sister. | ||
| So did you wind up doing it or no? | ||
| No, they said they didn't want a comic. | ||
| Kind of at the last minute. | ||
| They changed their mind. | ||
| They're probably scared of you. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| This is before or after the roast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
After. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They were terrified. | ||
| They probably just didn't sell enough tickets also. | ||
| Oh, I doubt it. | ||
| No, it's an annual event. | ||
| There's an escort. | ||
| It's just filled with freaks. | ||
| And probably someone said, do you realize that you're opening up the gates of hell? | ||
| Do you realize that by exposing our award show to this comedian who gets to go on national television and talk about us... | ||
| Yeah, they're There must be a lot of confidentiality in those things. | ||
| Sort of like Paul Lin, sort of angry gay guy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I like that whole industry because I really don't judge those people at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The male hooker industry? | |
| Just like sex industry and strippers. | ||
| The male hooker industry, that's a dark wing of that world. | ||
| I wonder what those dudes are like. | ||
| Do you remember when there was a guy who got caught who was a White House press correspondent or White House press reporter? | ||
| Who got caught what? | ||
| He got caught. | ||
| It turned out that he was running a gay porn site. | ||
| A gay escort site. | ||
| Like military. | ||
| A gay military escort site. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| I believe his name was Jeff Gannon. | ||
| And he would lob these really underhand, slow-pitch statement questions to the president, to President Bush at the time. | ||
| He'd be like, Mr. Bush, Mr. President, when are the Democrats going to get their head out of the sand... | ||
| And realize, literally, he was a reporter, and people would go, who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| Bush wanted him in there every time. | ||
| He was his go-to guy, of course. | ||
| And he actually stayed at the White House. | ||
| This guy had slept over at the White House. | ||
| And it turned out he had some gay military escort website, where it was him lying there, naked, with a towel over his dick, wearing a dog tag. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Yeah, and it was all just about sucking dick as a soldier and taking in military gay sex. | ||
| The world is so depressing. | ||
| Whoa, but this guy was in. | ||
| In the White House. | ||
| And they don't know what the fuck that was all about. | ||
| Who was the, you know, was it Ken Starr? | ||
| I mean, who was it? | ||
| Which one of those guys was the gay guy? | ||
| There was another guy that was the mastermind for Bush's campaign. | ||
| What the fuck is his name? | ||
| The man behind Bush. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just watched J. Edgar and that gay love story was kind of hot. | ||
| That movie was boring. | ||
| It was boring but I liked like I don't get turned on by gay dudes having sex with each other but I would have liked to have seen them have sex with each other. | ||
| You would have liked to have seen those guys? | ||
| I would love to see Leo and Armie Hammer. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Please. | ||
| I don't care who's bending who over. | ||
| I'm watching. | ||
| Are you going to be in town Wednesday? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you want to do the comedy show here at the Ice House? | |
| Do I have to drive here again? | ||
| No, just kidding. | ||
| Yeah, can I? Yeah. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Nine o'clock. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Carl Rove. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's supposed to be super gay. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, no chicks fucking him. | ||
| I'm just making this up, by the way, Carl. | ||
| I could be totally wrong. | ||
| Please don't show me. | ||
| Carl loves this podcast. | ||
| I don't know who the fuck it was that was gay. | ||
| Let's just say that. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I'm just totally guessing out of my ass. | ||
| But whoever it was, somebody knew this guy. | ||
| And somebody got this guy a gig there. | ||
| And that guy turned out to be a fucking gay male escort. | ||
| Just a madam... | ||
| And it was deep in the White House. | ||
| It was in there. | ||
| I guess people back then just thought, wow, the internet's so big. | ||
| Who's going to find this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They didn't understand search engines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| That'll catch up to you if you're in the White House, I guess. | ||
| Imagine thinking that you're just going to pull that off. | ||
| Like, you know, gay escort, stay at the White House. | ||
| No one's gonna know. | ||
| How are they gonna know? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Dude, I know that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet they... | |
| Think about the things they pulled off before the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Well, they say that Nixon was gay. | ||
| A guy just wrote a book about Nixon being gay. | ||
| Nixon being gay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody's gay. | |
| And there's a photo of him with this smaller Hispanic man who was with a small dog. | ||
| You know, which, by the way... | ||
| What does that have to do with that? | ||
| If you have a small dog, you're either a bad motherfucker or you might be gay. | ||
| I mean, back then, in those days... | ||
| A dude with a tiny dog, that's tough to... | ||
| Maybe, or maybe, you know, maybe he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Like my friend Mayhem. | ||
| He's an MMA fighter. | ||
| He's got a Datsun. | ||
| In me, I have a Pekingese. | ||
| Chuck Liddell. | ||
| When he was the UFC light heavyweight champion, he always had this little chihuahua he took everywhere. | ||
| But he was such a bad motherfucker, he could totally pull it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That is also a lot of gay guys walking around with a dog in a purse. | ||
| I lost mine in a divorce. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I mean, I got mine. | ||
| I don't like the people in LA with these beautiful dogs. | ||
| You can just see that they're just using them as an accessory. | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| That dog's supposed to represent them. | ||
| They like the way it looks. | ||
| And a woman with a dog is not alone. | ||
| She's busy with my dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, honey. | |
| We gotta go. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| We're going. | ||
| It's always we. | ||
| Just fucking be an adult. | ||
| For real, a woman with a dog is two people. | ||
| It's like she can wee it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She can get away. | ||
| Excuse me, I'm busy. | ||
| I have to walk my dog. | ||
| You probably want that into a relationship with someone. | ||
| You're like, oh good, she's distracted. | ||
| But up top, that's got to be tough. | ||
| Into, if you're tired of these boring ass conversations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just want you around to fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go talk to the dog. | |
| Here, go play with your dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get ready. | ||
| Walk the dog. | ||
| Get ready. | ||
| When I come around to sling dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you call her a cunt? | |
| No. | ||
| Has anybody ever said to you, be ready when I come home and sling dick? | ||
| No, that sounds good, though. | ||
| I think I want a guy that will say that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody write that to me on Twitter. | ||
| It's going to have to be a compliment, man. | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to get a hundred slinging dicks. | |
| Yeah, it's inevitable now. | ||
| I'm coming home to sling dick. | ||
| That's going to be someone's new signature on a message board. | ||
| That's what happens, though. | ||
| Like, I'll forget that we said this, and then I'll be in Denver, and some dude will come up after the show and be like, how about we get all slay? | ||
| And I'll be like, I'm calling the cops on you, you fucking rapist. | ||
| I wonder how much that really happens. | ||
| That seems like it would happen a lot. | ||
| That happens all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, just since doing it the last time. | ||
| Do you get a lot of crazy people that tweet you after you did the last one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mostly not crazy. | ||
| Were people nice to you? | ||
| People were really nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's cool. | ||
| I'm back. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sensitive, and I'm back. | ||
| Yeah, no, like, it was nice. | ||
| And people, like, will come up, and they'll say, like, oh, I'm a fan of Rogan's podcast, and that's how I found you. | ||
| People like to say how they found you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, they like to profess that they like something that they hope you like, too. | ||
| Like, I found you on ONA, and I'll go, oh, I fucking love ONA, and then we're in. | ||
| Right, and you have that common. | ||
| You know, ONA Party Rock, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, if somebody likes that, you know that you can kind of connect on other shit. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's like if someone's a fan of a particular team, you know, you walk up to a guy and he's wearing a Celtics jacket. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I fucking love Larry Bird. | ||
| I like med fans. | ||
| I'm like, you're a good person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think you'd think about dating a professional baseball player or would that be too much pressure? | ||
| Uh, I don't know. | ||
| I went out with a couple athletes lately. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, it seems like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they need, like, a cheerleader and, like, I'm busy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Especially if they're, like, super driven and concentrating on their goals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well, that's cool. | |
| I like that. | ||
| But I don't want them to need me to be, like, standing there, like... | ||
| Want to come to the game? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you wear team colors? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I made a dress for you. | ||
| You know I only win when you wear pink. | ||
| You fucking bitch. | ||
| What are you doing wearing magenta? | ||
| I'm like, I have a show. | ||
| I have to do radio. | ||
| Your show's more important than my game. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's not a fucking show. | ||
| This is a championship game. | ||
| I don't want to learn the rules of a new sport. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Yeah, what if you had a cricket player? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What are you doing out there? | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| You said that. | ||
| I was talking to a dude. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm not interested. | ||
| I don't want to learn about cricket. | ||
| Who's the English? | ||
| Australian. | ||
| Oh, Australia. | ||
| They play cricket too. | ||
| And India, I think. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| In St. Lucia, they were all going fucking crazy for cricket. | ||
| Where exactly is that on the map? | ||
| It's in the West Indies. | ||
| How long is that on a plane? | ||
| It was six from New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then we took a helicopter to our hotel. | ||
| To our couples. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Fucking love chamber. | ||
| So the thing about those, that area, like if you go down like the Bahamas, Jamaica. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or if you go like in the Atlantic, South Atlantic, you gotta worry about storms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, this was not the season, but there's like five months where if you go there, you're just like, I hope I don't die. | ||
| Yeah, there's five months where there's a lot of tourists that go there because it's less money, and you take some wild chances. | ||
| They're so aggressive, though, because, like, tourists only come for a couple months, so we did a ton of shit. | ||
| We, like, hiked this crazy mountain, and we would go to, like, these baths. | ||
| We did all this stuff, and every time you leave the hotel, they're, like, just trying to sell you a fucking necklace, and you're like, no, but they need to come at you that hard. | ||
| Yeah, that's all they got. | ||
| Yeah, it's all they have. | ||
| And the guys that hit on you there, like... | ||
| That's a whole other ballgame. | ||
| They're so aggressive, and they're hoping that you either have white guilt or that you're scared of black people, and I'm neither, so I was just like, please. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| They just come at you, and they just dance. | ||
| They're going to be mad at you if you don't... | ||
| Give me an example. | ||
| What's the accent like? | ||
| Oh, like, I can't, I have no idea. | ||
| Is it like Jamaican? | ||
| Sort of Jamaican? | ||
| Oh, your dialect coach keeps chiming in. | ||
| He's so authentic. | ||
| Flawless intonations. | ||
| It's authentic 12-year-old cartoons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| I feel like you were made by a computer. | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't seem real. | ||
| Dom Irera couldn't figure him out. | ||
| Dom Irera stood there and goes, where'd you get him? | ||
| Joe, where'd you get this guy? | ||
| Where did you find him? | ||
| Out of all the people in the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What were we just talking about? | ||
| Like the Islanders there. | ||
| Islanders. | ||
| What is their accent? | ||
| There were some really sweet people though. | ||
| What does the accent sound like? | ||
| Is it like a Jamaican sort of thing? | ||
| It's like a Bahamas type thing. | ||
| So give me like a black guy comes up to you. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| How does he do it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm so not giving you one. | ||
| He's like ready to play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, man. | |
| Would you like to buy some weed? | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| Brian is the black guy. | ||
| There were Rastas. | ||
| There were Rastas. | ||
| What do we do? | ||
| What's up, baby? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| You want some of this good dick I got right here? | ||
| That's more like Hispanic. | ||
| You're doing like the Jew. | ||
| I'm trying to be a black man on an island. | ||
| Oh, it's getting closer. | ||
| You want some more of this good dick right here? | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They ought to grab their dicks. | ||
| They dance in front of you. | ||
| I didn't see any dick grabbing. | ||
| Not crotch grabbing like Michael Jackson style? | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| Well, a little crotch grabbing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I think a little crotch grabbing. | ||
| How often did this take place during your travels? | ||
| When we left the hotel. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there were some great people. | ||
| They were great dick grabbers. | ||
| I'm not like big. | ||
| No, they were great guys. | ||
| They're going to hear about this. | ||
| There were some really sweet guys. | ||
| The next time you go down there, I heard that shit you said about me. | ||
| I hope Sandals hears this and then they go fuck themselves. | ||
| Because I called and before we went, I was like, it's not all couples, right? | ||
| They were like, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| Is that how Carnival Cruises is also? | ||
| Because I would imagine that would be the same. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Couples? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've been on a ton of cruises that aren't couples. | ||
| How is Sandals all couples? | ||
| Did you see any families there? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Well, it's no kids allowed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No kids allowed. | |
| But it's all couples. | ||
| How old can the kid be? | ||
| Can he be 18? | ||
| No children. | ||
| Like, you can't bring anything that you made, I don't think. | ||
| Oh, nothing that you made? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing that you made. | |
| Probably 18. Probably 18, yeah. | ||
| But then they can drink down there if it's 18? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have crazy drinking laws? | ||
| It's all exclusive. | ||
| Yeah, you can drink. | ||
| You can bring it on the street. | ||
| It's like New Orleans. | ||
| New Orleans is amazing like that, isn't it? | ||
| I love New Orleans. | ||
| It's my favorite place in America. | ||
| This is the one place in America that I say you should have to have a passport to go to New Orleans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because this is not America. | ||
| That place is the best. | ||
| People walking down the street with beers in their hands right by cops. | ||
| And the cops are talking to them and everybody's friendly. | ||
| Such a good vibe down there. | ||
| If I ever really make money, I want a place there. | ||
| I wanted to film my comedy special in New Orleans, but I didn't time it right. | ||
| My timing sucked. | ||
| But that place is amazing. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| So friendly and fun. | ||
| I did a show there. | ||
| I did the House of Blues there. | ||
| It was one of my favorite all-time shows. | ||
| I saw a show there. | ||
| What a great place. | ||
| Everybody's standing. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| And then we watched some burlesque. | ||
| What a hustle that is. | ||
| What a nonsense hustle those burlesque shows are. | ||
| Isn't it just like fat strippers? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, one of them, it was really weird. | ||
| Like, there was a guy, like a carnival barker dude comes on. | ||
| He's got a big handlebar mustache, and he's dressed kind of crazy, like he's from another time. | ||
| There was a couple people that actually had a pretty dope act. | ||
| And one of them, there was a guy and a girl, and they had, like, little hula hoops. | ||
| And the guy would throw the girl up in the air, and she would land on her shoulders. | ||
| Wow, it was a really great act. | ||
| And they were like hula hooping together while the girl was on top and the guy was like holding her up with his hands. | ||
| They knew what the fuck they were doing. | ||
| They had planned it out. | ||
| And then the next one was literally an overweight woman who dances. | ||
| And the guy introduces her saying that beautiful things come in all packages. | ||
| Literally said this. | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| And she wasn't... | ||
| It wasn't like disgusting where he had to warn us. | ||
| But Scores is not hiring her. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Scores is not hiring her. | ||
| And so she gets up there and she's got this bright smile on her face. | ||
| And it's like this weird thing that everyone's dressed from like a period piece. | ||
| But essentially all she did was stand there and dance. | ||
| That's the emperor's new clothes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not all art. | ||
| She took a little bit of the clothes off at the end. | ||
| She was kind of in like sort of a bikini type of thing. | ||
| And then she got off and everybody clapped. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck, really? | ||
| I'm like, what is going on here? | ||
| Why are we pretending like that was exciting? | ||
| Did you ever see them? | ||
| It was real weird. | ||
| And we were complaining. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| We were complaining about it and the people around us started getting upset. | ||
| We had to leave. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You guys are complaining. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that. | |
| We were like, there's a man behind that curtain! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's pulling the levers! | ||
| We can see it from here! | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| This is not real! | ||
| I'm glad you said something. | ||
| Well, we were just like, what is this? | ||
| Yeah, like, you're just like truth. | ||
| You're just like, can we not pretend like that was something that should happen again? | ||
| Well, it was two comics and me. | ||
| It was me, Duncan, and Felicia Michaels. | ||
| And Jeff, who was our driver in New Orleans, who was cool as fuck, too. | ||
| And we were all looking at this going, what the fuck are we watching? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| But that fucking place, the food, the best food anywhere. | ||
| I went to Amsterdam and we went to a sex show. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Did you see those? | ||
| Have you seen those? | ||
| No, tell me what you saw. | ||
| Well, they were really depressing. | ||
| It was, like, totally clinical. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So it would be, like, there was a DJ. And then, like, a bed would be wheeled out on stage. | ||
| It would be, like, this French guy. | ||
| And he's, like, this is Michelle and her lover, Matt. | ||
| And they kind of, like, both come out in the bed. | ||
| And then they're, like, they wave. | ||
| And then they, like, start, like, a second of kind of, like, foreplay that's choreographed. | ||
| And then they start fucking. | ||
| Like, he starts fucking her. | ||
| and the bed's rotating and it's to music and he's banging her to the beat and then uh and then after like three minutes they're like thank you and um and then they turn to the crowd and they wave and the curtain closes and the bed goes and then this girl would come out in between um in between people having sex and like kind of like a burlesque type stripper she's kind of hot like high school friend hot And she didn't really know what she was doing. | ||
| She danced like she was auditioning for like the Palm Squad. | ||
| So she'd be in like a bra and underwear and she would just be like, Like, just kind of dancing around. | ||
| And it was interesting. | ||
| It was, like, kind of interesting to watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But just nothing was sexy about the whole experience. | ||
| And then somebody in a gorilla suit comes out with a fake dick and squirts it on the crowd. | ||
| What? | ||
| That was the whole show? | ||
| That was the whole show, but there were a couple people fucked. | ||
| How long was the whole show? | ||
| Like, what was the time? | ||
| I think it was, like, an hour. | ||
| So the other stuff was just, like, filler? | ||
| Yeah, filler between people having sex. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But the DJ was pretty funny. | ||
| They were funny with each other. | ||
| They were like, thank you. | ||
| Oh, she's back from her tour. | ||
| It was all kind of ironic, but there was not a second of anything sensual or exciting. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I wonder if they do that on purpose. | ||
| Nobody there would have been... | ||
| No one was taking their dick out. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| Maybe that's probably exactly what they're doing. | ||
| They had a show at the Riviera that they used to do called Crazy Girls. | ||
| It's still there. | ||
| Is it still there? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That... | ||
| Who's hosting it now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| The Riv is so funny. | ||
| We were just... | ||
| I don't stay there, but we were just... | ||
| In a record store, before I started puking my guts out, listening to old comedy albums, and Toadie Fields had one, and it starts, it's like, live from the Riviera! | ||
| And me and Jackie were so psyched. | ||
| And Woody Allen had one. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of history at that place. | ||
| But yeah, Crazy Girls is up and running. | ||
| Dean Martin was the host of... | ||
| Wow, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin used to do shows at the Riviera. | ||
| I stayed in Frank Sinatra's suite once. | ||
| At the Riviera? | ||
| My friend Steve Sharippa! | ||
| Steve Sharippa used to run... | ||
| Yeah, no, I know. | ||
| He used to be the booker. | ||
| Yeah, he... | ||
| Yeah, it's such a cool old Vegas showroom. | ||
| Yeah, Steve Sherpa's a great story. | ||
| I mean, he was a guy who was the talent coordinator at the Riviera, and then all of a sudden he got on Sopranos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then it turned into a real career as an actor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So cool. | |
| Writing books and shit. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It doesn't say here who the host is of Crazy Girls. | ||
| I'm having a hard time finding it. | ||
| They're not advertising who the host is at the hotel. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's just like Crazy Girls. | ||
| It used to be... | ||
| But what do they do? | ||
| I've never... | ||
| I haven't gone in... | ||
| Uh, well, it's like girls, they sing songs and then they pull their tits out. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And some of them actually have, uh, they actually have, like, good talent. | ||
| Pretty good tits? | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| Well, they have good tits. | ||
| But some of them actually have talent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And, uh, I watched it once and it was, it was kind of sad. | ||
| Because this girl, um, was singing, like, um, a Whitney Houston song. | ||
| Uh, it was like the greatest love of all or something like that. | ||
| Like right after when you died? | ||
| No, it was a long time ago. | ||
| The moment she died. | ||
| She was psychic. | ||
| She woke up in the middle of the night. | ||
| She killed Whitney. | ||
| Sat up in bed. | ||
| So great as love. | ||
| She fucking murdered Whitney. | ||
| That was a cover, by the way. | ||
| Whitney did a cover. | ||
| It might not even have been that song. | ||
| But whatever song it was. | ||
| She was singing this song. | ||
| Very soulful song. | ||
| And she has her tits out. | ||
| And I'm like, wow, that's got to be kind of demeaning in a way. | ||
| It's like really weird. | ||
| It's like she's singing at the top of her, I mean, she's singing the best of her abilities. | ||
| She's actually a talented singer, but her tits are out. | ||
| And she's got sort of like a miniskirt dress on, and her tits are out. | ||
| And you can tell that she wants to be taken seriously as a singer, but she's singing with her tits out. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| That's really sad. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It was just weird. | ||
| Vegas has so much sadness. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Deep sadness. | ||
| They have those, at the Imperial Palace, they have dealer-tainers. | ||
| What? | ||
| Wait, did I cut you off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Okay, because you're still doing this with your hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I was just holding my hand now. | |
| Freaking out. | ||
| I'm like, oh, is he still talking about her tits? | ||
| No, freaking out. | ||
| Yeah, what they have are the dealers are all dressed like celebrities. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Dealer-tainers, they call them? | ||
| Yeah, so your dealer, like, every hour, they'll be like some signal, and they're like, Oh, sorry. | ||
| And so the guy dressed as Michael Jackson or a girl's Rihanna, and they have to stand on the stage and do an act and sing, and then they come back. | ||
| And at first, you're like, it's kind of funny, and then it gets so sad so fast. | ||
| When are we going? | ||
| Yeah, you're just like, ugh. | ||
| And then you just want to gamble. | ||
| You're like, oh, please stop with all the bullshit. | ||
| Just like, let's do this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, who was your guy? | ||
| We had Michael Jackson. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And then I think maybe Shania Twain or Miley Cyrus. | ||
| How much did he actually look like Michael Jackson? | ||
| He was white. | ||
| Well, that's a tricky one because you can't hire a black guy to do it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| You've got to go for a mulatto. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Yeah, there's not a real likeness to any of them. | ||
| You spend half the time trying to figure out who they are. | ||
| You're like, is that Bonnie Raitt? | ||
| What? | ||
| Is that Boy George? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every now and then I get a little bit low. | |
| It's so confusing. | ||
| It's really tough. | ||
| Alright, let's bring this fucking ship into the harbor. | ||
| Amy Schumer, once again, you were hilarious and fun to hang out with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks for having me. | |
| And I'm glad we're besties. | ||
| For life. | ||
| We're besties. | ||
| We exchanged messages. | ||
| You're my emergency contact. | ||
| Listen, buddy. | ||
| I'm so happy you came back. | ||
| People love you. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| When are you going to be... | ||
| What's your tour dates? | ||
| Where are you going to be next? | ||
| I'm in Tampa and Denver at the end of April and then the Riviera once a month. | ||
| When are you in Tampa? | ||
| Towards the end of April? | ||
| Yeah, like the 17th. | ||
| So amyschumer.com and it's Schumer with an S-C-H. S-C-H, yeah. | ||
| Amy, S-C-H-U-M-E-R. Tweet me. | ||
| I am still selling tickets for Atlanta. | ||
| The second show's not sold out yet. | ||
| So The Tabernacle on April 20th. | ||
| I'm filming my new special. | ||
| I'm going to be releasing it online. | ||
| The first show sold out and I'm fucking pumped to be doing it in Atlanta, man. | ||
| I haven't been there in two years and I'm super psyched and I'm... | ||
| Completely geared up for this bitch. | ||
| And next year, or next week rather, is the final tune-up stage. | ||
| I'm going to be at the Fort Lauderdale Improv with the one and only Duncan Trussell. | ||
| So that'll be this up and coming Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. | ||
| It's not next week. | ||
| It's this next weekend. | ||
| This weekend coming up. | ||
| So, this weekend, Fort Lauderdale. | ||
| Next weekend, on the 20th, is Atlanta. | ||
| And that's when I'm going to be taping my special the day before the UFC in Atlanta. | ||
| Which is going to be fucking crazy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be fucking crazy! | |
| We have a show here Wednesday night at 9 o'clock at the Ice House. | ||
| Another wild tune-up show before we escape to Florida. | ||
| Before the race riot kicks in. | ||
| Do you hear they're shooting at cop cars down there now? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's where that Trayvon Martin shooting happened. | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| Florida. | ||
| What part? | ||
| Florida's going crazy. | ||
| Shoot. | ||
| I don't know what part. | ||
| I'll have to get back to you with that information. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our program. | ||
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| Go pick up one of those because it's way better than just using your hand. | ||
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| It's a solid product, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Thank you also to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood. | ||
| Both Shroom Techs are, well, there's different things. | ||
| Different things do different things. | ||
| Some of them are nootropics, other ones are athletic enhancement supplements, and maybe they'd be performance-enhancing drugs. | ||
| Maybe you could say that. | ||
| I wonder if they'll be illegal someday. | ||
| Get them now before the government comes in and takes all the shit that makes you feel better. | ||
| Everything's a performance-enhancing drug, dude. | ||
| Even fucking vitamins. | ||
| Did you know that, Brian? | ||
| It helps you perform. | ||
| It's a goddamn performance enhancer. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for AlphaBrain, and enter in the code name ROGAN, and save yourself 10% off any and all orders. | ||
| As always, the first order of 30 pills, the bottle of 30 pills, is 100% money-back guarantee if you're not satisfied, if you don't like it. | ||
| You don't even have to return it. | ||
| Just tell us that shit sucks, and you get your money. | ||
| But it won't suck. | ||
| I use it. | ||
| The shit is awesome. | ||
| And you should use it too. | ||
| Especially if you're jet-lagged or hungover. | ||
| And I know you are on a regular. | ||
| But on the reg. | ||
| You dirty, you crazy dirty bitch. | ||
| You dirty bitch. | ||
| Or if you can't cope with altitude. | ||
| I don't think that's true. | ||
| I think you've got to eat the actual cordyceps mushroom. | ||
| I don't know if it actually helps you cope with altitude. | ||
| I don't want to put in any false statements, Brian. | ||
| I'm going to have to do the research on that before I confirm or deny. | ||
| I'm going to eat the flashlight. | ||
| Altitude sucks, dude. | ||
| Nothing's going to help you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Altitude's bullshit. | |
| It might help you a little. | ||
| That's the end of this program, goddammit. | ||
| We'll be back tomorrow with Neil Brennan. | ||
| It'll be a 4 p.m. | ||
| Pacific podcast. | ||
| And then I'll see you dirty bitches in Fort Lauderdale this weekend and Atlanta next weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ice House. | |
| The Chronicles. | ||
| Amy Schumer is going to do something. | ||
| Oh, Amy Schumer's crazy as fuck. | ||
| You're going to do the show as well? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Goddammit, what a fucking show. | ||
| It's me, Amy Schumer. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Some surprises. | ||
| A bunch of other surprises. | ||
| IceHouseComedy.com probably will sell out. | ||
| A lot of LA comics. | ||
| There's always the regular crew. | ||
| I know Joey's got a 10 o'clock show at the Improv. | ||
| Yeah, he can't do it. | ||
| He can't do it. | ||
| Thursday, I'm at the Improv. | ||
| You dirty bitch. | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We'll see you tomorrow. | ||
| Thank you, as always, for everything. | ||
| Thanks for all the positive messages and all the love and all the good shit. | ||
| We're all in this together, you freaks. | ||
| Let's ride this thing. | ||
| The fucking boat hits the beach. |
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