April 7, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:59:10
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| We do a couple commercials, and then we get cracking. | ||
| But the commercials... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're on. | |
| We're on right now. | ||
| So when the commercials start, if you feel like talking, you just go ahead. | ||
| It doesn't mean it. | ||
| No, I'll be respectful to you. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Jim Jeffries, I'm telling you, you do whatever you want to do. | ||
| Everyone's allowed to chime in. | ||
| God, he's blowing a fart on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is? | |
| Jim Jeffries just waved a fart on me. | ||
| Did I? Yeah. | ||
| I don't even know what I do these days. | ||
| I did that so solidly. | ||
| Because that sounds like something I would have done. | ||
| So I'm going to just apologize. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| And you don't even have you just made a went on autopilot? | ||
| Auto fart on you, pilot? | ||
| The podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| That's our main number one sponsor. | ||
| Our first sponsor ever of all time. | ||
| Way back in the day when we were just on a laptop with Ustream and snowflakes in the background. | ||
| When they were black and white. | ||
| Back in the days, before the Avatar or the not-alien movie won, they were just black and white. | ||
| We started when there was black and white television, but fleshlight. | ||
| Stop lying, Brian. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| There was no black and white televisions. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Like back in the day, there was black and white TV. Right, but that's not when we started with the flashlights. | ||
| We started when it was only black and white, you know, black and white flashlights. | ||
| That's a terrible joke. | ||
| It doesn't even make sense. | ||
| It's a commercial joke. | ||
| It doesn't even make sense. | ||
| Why don't you go back even further and go, we started before podcasts were talkies. | ||
| It doesn't even make sense. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You know when it was silent, that's when we were doing it. | ||
| You're lying to these people. | ||
| They know you've only been doing it for two years. | ||
| Everybody knows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| The fleshlight was only black and white. | ||
| It was a fleshlight joke. | ||
| It was not supposed to be really thought about too much. | ||
| Was it true? | ||
| There was more. | ||
| There was a bunch of different colors, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| When we started, I think it was just black and white, unless they had the alien one before that, but I don't think they did. | ||
| Didn't they have, like, zombies and shit? | ||
| No, that happened all late, recently. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, see if it's a black and white question. | ||
| So that's what your joke was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ, son. | ||
| It was a cheesy joke. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was pretty good, man. | ||
| Did you like it? | ||
| No, I haven't even got it yet. | ||
| I'm glad somebody else is here. | ||
| I'm still pushing that. | ||
| I'm glad, because, you know, if there's a message board out there, there's 100 people right now agreeing with Brian. | ||
| Brian's totally right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The joke totally made sense. | |
| It was an excellent joke. | ||
| They're fucking duking it out right now on some internet forums over this. | ||
| Anyway, it's a good product, the Fleshlight. | ||
| Solid. | ||
| You know, it's embarrassing, sure, but you know you're going to masturbate, so just go get one. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Try it. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Use the codename ROGAN and you save 15%. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Just save you some money. | ||
| Enjoy it! | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement, New Mood, the serotonin boosting supplement, and we have Shroom Tech Sport and Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| All of them, essentially, except for, I guess the Shroom Tech wouldn't be. | ||
| I'm not necessarily thought of as a nootropic, but what they are, what especially alpha brain is, is essentially vitamins for enhancing your cognitive function. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| The way it's explained to me is it enhances your body's ability to produce neurotransmitters, and you feel better, you feel clearer. | ||
| I take it all the time. | ||
| I feel great, and I notice the difference between when I'm taking it and when I'm not taking it. | ||
| I can tell. | ||
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| So even if you eat it all, you can take all the vitamins, eat all 30 of them, and go, you know what, I think this is shit, then you get your money back. | ||
| No one's trying to rip anybody off. | ||
| This is all stuff that I've used long before I was ever associated with this company, and I'm a big believer in vitamins. | ||
| So, go and check it out. | ||
| I'm playing footsies with you, bitch. | ||
| You're playing footsies with me. | ||
| We need more space, is what this is. | ||
| This table's too small. | ||
| Accidental footsies will not be tolerated. | ||
| Especially, I'm barefoot. | ||
| I'm like one of the Abbott brothers. | ||
| I'm one of the Abbott brothers in a music video. | ||
| I'm going to take off my shoe and socks, so if you do it again, it'll be really gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do it. | |
| Don't take off your shoes and socks, because sometimes your feet stink, dude. | ||
| You know, every now and then, you rock the wrong shoes too many days in a row. | ||
| I slept with my shoes on last night, so you might be right. | ||
| I heard you slept in your car. | ||
| Is that correct? | ||
| Yeah, I passed out in my car for a little bit of time last night. | ||
| Shazam, son. | ||
| Were you driving and passed out? | ||
| Were you just parked by the side of the road? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I just woke up. | ||
| By the way, that's so illegal. | ||
| You should never do that. | ||
| You should just get a hotel somewhere. | ||
| Because if you're asleep in your car, and even if you have no intention of driving drunk, and if a cop knocks on your door, you're going to jail. | ||
| But what if you're in the backseat? | ||
| You're going to jail. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You can't sleep in a car? | ||
| No. | ||
| What about all these comics that always tell you that, like, I was sleeping in my car the first few years? | ||
| They got lucky. | ||
| They're all doing something illegal? | ||
| Well, they're not necessarily doing something illegal. | ||
| I mean, you know, I bet there's places you could park where no one's going to care. | ||
| Well, you could go to rest stops. | ||
| What I'm saying is if you're drunk. | ||
| If you're drunk and you're in your car, you're sleeping in your car. | ||
| They don't care that you had no intention to drive drunk. | ||
| They still, they're going to fucking arrest you. | ||
| If you're hammered and you're in your car. | ||
| I don't drink drive because I'm not a citizen. | ||
| The day I am. | ||
| It's all over. | ||
| We haven't even started yet. | ||
| Go to honor.com. | ||
| Learn everything. | ||
| Details. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Enter in the codename ROGAN. Save yourself 10% off all orders. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The great Jim Jeffries. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Showing by day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | |
| All day! | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, this podcast unfortunately started about 15 minutes ago, and we just decided to let you in on it now. | ||
| For the past 15 minutes, Jim Jeffries and Brian have been laughing up a fucking storm. | ||
| You silly bitches. | ||
| I feel like we've used all the best stuff, to be honest with you. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like we got out to a good... | ||
| It's like if you go to the gym and you lift, the first thing you do is too heavy. | ||
| You can fuck up the rest of your workout. | ||
| Right, Brian? | ||
| Brian knows what's up. | ||
| Jim Jeffries? | ||
| I personal train very occasionally. | ||
| Personal train? | ||
| No, I get personally trained by a guy who gets very disappointed in me. | ||
| Kenny Kane, who is a comedian as well. | ||
| Oh, he's a comedian slash personal fitness guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| How do you become a personal fitness guy? | ||
| Do you have to have a degree in kinesiology? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he trains lots of famous people, so he must have something going on, yeah. | ||
| Is that what it takes? | ||
| I guess so, for me to be convinced. | ||
| But personal training's just... | ||
| It's just, it's only useful to lazy people. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I give up really quickly. | ||
| It's just the guy, I just need a person, it could be a fat person standing there, going, keep going, come on, come on, you've got another one in you, and I go, alright then. | ||
| Because if I'm by myself, I have a very low threshold for any type of activity. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But you make yourself go to the gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I don't want to be morbidly obese. | |
| No, my mother's a huge fat woman. | ||
| I have fat genes. | ||
| I fight against that. | ||
| I don't want to be a fatty. | ||
| Yeah, well, you're keeping it together. | ||
| Yeah, I'm always on the brink, but yeah. | ||
| It's tough to be disciplined. | ||
| It's tough to force yourself to do shit that's not pleasant. | ||
| But you're very good at it, but you enjoy it, right? | ||
| I feel like I need it. | ||
| I don't like the way I function when I don't work out. | ||
| I don't like the way I think. | ||
| I don't like the, you know, my threshold for getting annoyed at things gets too high. | ||
| You know, I'm too tense. | ||
| I think physically, the way you physically feel, it affects the way you interact with people. | ||
| and I think you almost have a duty to try to keep your shit in line at least enough so it's not fucking up on you so you're annoyed all the time when you're around people. | ||
| Because that's what you run into a lot of really cranky, bitchy people. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| That's a person with a really unhappy body. | ||
| That's an unhappy human. | ||
| I'm of the opinion that if you let yourself go too much, you do become a burden on others, especially... | ||
| It's alright if you get cancer or something like that. | ||
| I think the more fat, it's more comfortable. | ||
| But there's some dudes where you see them waddle in and you're like, come on, man. | ||
| Someone's got to pull you aside. | ||
| This has got to stop. | ||
| Do you not have anybody that couldn't have talked some sense into you? | ||
| I guess the pull is just too strong, man. | ||
| No, my mother's a huge woman. | ||
| How big? | ||
| At her peak would have been over 300 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jeez. | |
| Yeah, but also bring in hoarding. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, no. | |
| Yeah, also. | ||
| I didn't know it was a condition. | ||
| That TV show changed my fucking life, man. | ||
| That's my childhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I was watching it like, yeah, hoarder, man. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Every single one of our bedrooms after we moved out, me and my two brothers, those bedrooms would just fill up with shit just afterwards. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Now, when you look back, what did you think was going on when you were a kid? | ||
| I just... | ||
| My mother called herself a collector. | ||
| You know how these people call themselves collectors if they just hoard one particular thing? | ||
| But it was porcelain dolls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Creepy Victorian-looking fucking dolls. | ||
| All around you. | ||
| Hundreds and hundreds of them just staring at you while you... | ||
| Did you ever do mushrooms and look at them? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That would not be sweet. | ||
| There was one that used to stare at me that I'd had to put a towel over its head every time I was watching TV. Otherwise, I couldn't... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Being comfortable watching TV. That's how my grandmother was. | ||
| It was that and those little paperweights that looked like globes or something like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| The snow, where you shook them and there's snow inside of them. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, snow goats. | |
| Some of those, but also those big marble ones. | ||
| It looks like you just have a huge marble. | ||
| I've never understood the paperweight market. | ||
| I've probably had in my life... | ||
| Maybe 10 paperweights. | ||
| I don't think I've had 10. I've never had a bit where my paper has been so out of control. | ||
| I just shut windows. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like I'm a window shutter. | ||
| I see that as an easier fix than just paper blowing everywhere. | ||
| And plus, there's so many outside, like in your yard. | ||
| If you really needed something to weigh something down, just get a rock. | ||
| This is one, a book is one, anything's one. | ||
| There's people who made us think that it's an actual invention that will build an actual glass object with a spindly thing in the middle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then everybody else was like, oh shit, we've got to get involved with that market. | ||
| Right. | ||
| God damn, we've got to jump on that globe market. | ||
| I wonder if it's patented. | ||
| It's patented? | ||
| Patented. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Patented. | ||
| Did I say patented? | ||
| Is that how you would say it? | ||
| I think that's how I would say it, but I still think that's the wrong way to say it in my accent. | ||
| I just think it was me speaking like a tad. | ||
| I don't think it was anything to do with being Australian. | ||
| It's so bizarre how similar Australians are to Americans, even though you guys have a different accent. | ||
| The accent's a little odd. | ||
| I think we're more similar to the British person. | ||
| You are as well. | ||
| But I mean, it's amazing how you go there. | ||
| By the way, the way I mean it, it's like you just could fit right in. | ||
| The accent melts after a day. | ||
| That's just what people sound like. | ||
| And it seems like you're in America. | ||
| Well, I don't notice the American accent now on anybody at all. | ||
| It's only when I have to do an audition and they make me do the American accent that I get a bit shitty with the whole thing. | ||
| Oh, do they do that? | ||
| They make you change your voice? | ||
| Yeah, and I fucked that one audition. | ||
| I got a couple of callbacks, and then I said the word, I went to the zoo and I saw a zebra. | ||
| I still said zebra in an American accent, but with British phrasing, and they freaked the fuck out. | ||
| I need to hear more of this American voice. | ||
| That was a creepy voice, dude. | ||
| Why is that so creepy? | ||
| What are we going to do for that? | ||
| Dude, that is creepy as fuck. | ||
| You talking with an American voice, that is creepy. | ||
| I'm sort of, I wouldn't say synonymous with it, but I say cunt a lot on stage. | ||
| People always want me to say cunt, like when they have photos. | ||
| Talk American right now. | ||
| In my accent, if I say cunt, it sounds great. | ||
| But even when I say cunt as an American, I go, ooh... | ||
| Well, that's a bit harsh. | ||
| Dude, you sound like a totally different human when you put on that American accent. | ||
| Look at that fucking cunt over there. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You would never think that's Jim Jeffries. | ||
| There's no way I would think that's you. | ||
| I know, but that's the thing. | ||
| If you called me up, that would freak me the fuck out. | ||
| I'm going to tell you right now, don't do that. | ||
| Just because I sound gay? | ||
|
unidentified
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No! | |
| It doesn't sound good at all! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey Joe, it's Jim. | |
| I just want to speak to you very quickly. | ||
| We have a few problems here right now. | ||
| It sounds vaguely fucked up. | ||
| Like, it doesn't sound right. | ||
| It sounds really good though. | ||
| It's so close to like a real person, but yet not. | ||
| I'm like, there's something affected about this. | ||
| Do an accent, Joe. | ||
| I want to hear you in an accent. | ||
| Do an Australian. | ||
| See how you can do an Australian. | ||
| You can't even make a fight one. | ||
| I don't know how to do it. | ||
| It actually wasn't bad. | ||
| I can't do a fight one over there, Joe. | ||
| No, you lost me there. | ||
|
unidentified
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We don't say shit. | |
| I do more English. | ||
| Mine's 50-50 because I lived in England for 10 years. | ||
| We don't say the word shrimp. | ||
| Americans call prawn shrimp. | ||
| We call them prawns, right? | ||
| Paul Hogan does that fucking commercial where he goes, all right, we'll throw another shrimp on the barbie for you. | ||
| Like that, right? | ||
| And now that's like synonymous with Australians when that's not even a word we say. | ||
| I have people yell that out at American gigs. | ||
| Like when I'm on stage going, do the shrimp thing. | ||
| I'm like, fuck off, man. | ||
| Isn't it weird how many, like, crazy personalities have come out of Australia? | ||
| Like the Crocodile Hunter, Paul Hogan, Crocodile Dundee. | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah. | ||
| He was our Diana. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crocodile Dundee was your Diana. | ||
| He lives around here somewhere. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Paul Hogan, yeah. | ||
| Kangaroo Jack. | ||
| They only did a couple of those Crocodile Dundees, though, and then they were done. | ||
| I would have thought that could have been, like, some Indiana Jones-type shit. | ||
| No, no, they did a third. | ||
| You haven't seen it? | ||
| The third one's appalling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The third one's always straight to DVD. Yeah. | ||
| And it's like, because the whole idea was that Crocodile Dundee went from Australia, in the outback of Australia, to New York and was like, what the fuck's he going to do? | ||
| This is such a different place. | ||
| He can survive out there, but he can't survive here. | ||
| So that happened for the first two films. | ||
| Then for the third film you think, let's send him to another country like Britain or somewhere else that's different. | ||
| It's Crocodile Dundee in LA. Now the thing is, he's been living since the last Crocodile Dundee film. | ||
| He's been living in New York for over a decade and then he gets to LA and he doesn't know what's going on. | ||
| Like it's too alarming for him. | ||
| Like what are all these people wearing sunglasses for? | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| Jeez, these women's breasts are too big. | ||
| Like it's not a great film. | ||
| And in the end he becomes an animal trainer for the movies and he foils a robbery. | ||
| Actually, now I look back on it, it's a great film. | ||
| I didn't give it a chance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a sheer ridiculousness of it. | |
| He's still with Linda Kozlowski, who he married from the... | ||
| Oh, from the movie? | ||
| Paul Hogan was married to a real fat woman called Noeline Hogan, who was just this big, fat woman, and he had five kids with her, which he had before he was famous. | ||
| Then he did Crocodile Dundee, and he started dating Linda Kozlowski. | ||
| And the Australian public were like, oh, what's he done to his wife? | ||
| But now he's been with that bird for 25 years, so you can't really get into him as much. | ||
| You started dating a bird? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| You know how the British... | ||
| You know Brian. | ||
| Silly goose. | ||
| Silly goose. | ||
| The Beatles song Blackbird is about Rosa Parks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because Paul McCartney was going, isn't that good what that black bird did there? | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So a bird's like a person or a girl? | ||
| A girl. | ||
| Just a girl. | ||
| Any girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Normally, if you say, this is my bird, or those birds look nice, it's normally about an attractive woman, it would be called a bird, yeah. | ||
| Would you ever fuck a real bird? | ||
| Like an eagle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll answer the question, what bird would I fuck if I was going to fuck a bird? | |
| If you had to fuck a bird, yeah. | ||
| It would be something with a long leg so I didn't have to squat or anything like that. | ||
| Like a peacock. | ||
| Or then you could just hold the bird and fuck it. | ||
| But I'm thinking like an emu or an ostrich or a flamingo. | ||
| Probably a flamingo because it's pink and then I'd be pretty comfortable with that. | ||
| Yeah, I'd do flamingo. | ||
| That was mine. | ||
| Flamingos smell like shit. | ||
| When you walk past the flamingo thing, you would totally lose your boner. | ||
| But they can balance on one leg. | ||
| They smell so bad. | ||
| They have a long neck to choke. | ||
| They're just like, where they live... | ||
| In the, uh, at the LA Zoo, it's like a shit pool. | ||
| Just a pool of bird shit. | ||
| I haven't been to the LA Zoo. | ||
| Does LA have a zoo? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, there's LA Zoo. | ||
| I thought the big one was in San Diego and the LA didn't really... | ||
| The difference between a bird and a mammal is I would feel bad if I fucked a mammal. | ||
| Like, if I fucked a dog, I'd be like, oh, sorry, dude. | ||
| I'd feel bad. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I like animals. | ||
| But a dog's not a mammal, is it? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I thought we were mammals. | ||
| Yeah, mammals are warm-blooded furry creatures. | ||
| Oh, I get mixed up. | ||
| Alright, so whales aren't fish. | ||
| Right, they're actually mammals. | ||
| But I still don't give a shit, it's a fish. | ||
| Whales are actually mammals? | ||
| Yeah, they've got a blowhole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| Did you say butthole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blowhole. | |
| They'd be there, too. | ||
| They also have a butthole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Isn't it funny that nothing that breathes water is smart? | ||
| Isn't that kind of cool? | ||
| Everything that breathes water is stupid except for like octopuses. | ||
| They think octopuses are geniuses. | ||
| That's what they reckon, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, they think they're kind of smart. | ||
| Which is like when you eat like a baby octopus salad or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why people don't want to eat dolphins because they're geniuses. | ||
| But now... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Eating like little fetus-sized... | ||
| That's a pretty dangerous place to go with the octopus. | ||
| Well, it's pretty dangerous to lock up dolphins and killer whales. | ||
| That's even more dangerous because that's something that we know they're talking to each other. | ||
| We know they have a complex language. | ||
| We don't give a fuck, really. | ||
| Yep, whatever. | ||
| Do you want a fish? | ||
| It's such a confined space for them. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| Not only that, there's a thrill in killing things. | ||
| People get a charge out of being a hunter-gatherer. | ||
| People that go hunting, when you go fishing, you catch a fish. | ||
| There's a primal release that you get from that. | ||
| It's natural. | ||
| It's a part of the reward system that nature's put in place to make sure you carry on. | ||
| So they have all these raging, raging hormones inside of them and all these killer instincts to take things out. | ||
| They're supposed to be killing shit left and right. | ||
| They're fucking killer whales. | ||
| They're these gigantic, monstrous animals. | ||
| And they don't get to kill shit. | ||
| Dolphins aren't into killing, just little fish. | ||
| Dolphins kill themselves. | ||
| They kill little dolphins. | ||
| They kill baby dolphins. | ||
| Dolphins murder each other. | ||
| It's fun to grab onto their fin though, eh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like to touch them. | |
| We romanticize it, but the world underwater is cruel as fuck. | ||
| You know, killer whales eat dolphins, and dolphins regularly eat babies. | ||
| They kill baby dolphins. | ||
| Not only baby babies. | ||
| No, they would help baby humans, which is funny. | ||
| So would killer whales. | ||
| They just murdered babies all the time. | ||
| Yeah, the only whales that have been documented, there's been rumors about people being killed by killer whales. | ||
| The only whales that have been documented as killing people are the ones that are in captivity. | ||
| They actually help people in the wild. | ||
| They never kill in the wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's the same thing. | ||
| Stingrays. | ||
| How many stingrays have killed people before fucking Steve Irwin came involved? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| It's like four or five, they reckon. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Something real low number. | ||
| God, you just can't fuck with something like that, man. | ||
| Well, the thing is, that's why they go, I will never release the footage out of respect because they know he wasn't patting it going, isn't this a lovely thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| You know, he was grabbing the tail, going, look at that! | ||
| That could kill you! | ||
| And he's pointing it up to me. | ||
| You know he's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Could you imagine if he did, if that's really what was going on? | ||
| Do you think that they would owe the American public or the public, the worldwide public, rather? | ||
| Do you... | ||
| They would owe them that just for... | ||
| Just to know that... | ||
| Just to say, don't fuck with that. | ||
| You don't ever do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't do this. | ||
| It wasn't even for his show. | ||
| It was for his daughter's show for, like, the Disney Channel or whatever. | ||
| And his daughter was on the boat and then just... | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| They reckon he would have lived if they didn't pull it out. | ||
| It would have blocked everything in. | ||
| If they left it in, he would have lived in time, but he pulled it out. | ||
| Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| But I went swimming with stingrays about a month later, like hundreds and hundreds of them down in Antigua. | ||
| No one's letting fucking idiots like me in the water. | ||
| So they're obviously a pretty placid animal. | ||
| I don't know if they're all the same species. | ||
| I think there's a bunch of different kinds of stingrays, too. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| I don't know what he was fucking with. | ||
| Yeah, well, the thing is, some of them, only, like, very few of them have poisonous stingers, but he didn't... | ||
| It wasn't that it was poisonous. | ||
| It went through his heart. | ||
| You know, everybody... | ||
| He's a weird, weird guy, because, like, everybody really loved that guy. | ||
| Apparently, he was a super nice guy. | ||
| Everybody loved him. | ||
| He put all his money back into conservation and stuff. | ||
| Like, he was a very charitable man as well. | ||
| But there were people that looked at some of the shit he did and were furious. | ||
| Like when he was holding his child while feeding a crocodile. | ||
| Yeah, that was good. | ||
| That was the most ridiculous shit I think I've ever seen a person do. | ||
| And he had a little baby running away. | ||
| I kind of like that though. | ||
| I didn't like that. | ||
| I didn't like that at all. | ||
| That's ridiculously cocky. | ||
| Just because that thing has never jacked you before doesn't mean it can't right now. | ||
| If it just decides it needs more than that chicken, are you really confident in what its fucking diet's been for the last couple of weeks? | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| A baby is the size of a big chicken. | ||
| They would be happy to eat you. | ||
| There was a bunch of kayakers that were going through some fucking river. | ||
| And one of them got taken out by a crocodile. | ||
| So a real recent thing was in like, was it a New York Times article or something like that? | ||
| But from the perspective of the other two guys that were kayaking, and a fucking crocodile came and jacked him. | ||
| Can you imagine the position, what it would feel like to be on a kayak and just get taken out by a giant dinosaur? | ||
| Just something that was alive a hundred million years ago. | ||
| It looked exactly the same. | ||
| Well, they reckon the big difference between crocodiles and alligators is crocodiles search for food and alligators sit and wait. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So an alligator was sitting in a swamp in Miami and just, until something stupidly looked like a rock until something swims by, where a crocodile just wakes up in the morning going, I'm going to fucking catch something. | ||
| So you can't fuck with them as much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they won't leave you alone. | ||
| They're very aggressive. | ||
| There was a park in Florida where they raised crocodiles and alligators together. | ||
| And there's only crocodiles left. | ||
| It's really Italian. | ||
| When they were feeding them, the crocodiles were running over the heads of the alligators to get the food. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| You just looked at it and you went, whatever that thing is, fuck that thing. | ||
| The alligate is the fags of the crocodile alligator community. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clearly. | |
| Yeah, I lived in Florida. | ||
| I was around alligators all the time when I was a kid. | ||
| I lived there for a couple of years. | ||
| I have no problems with alligators as long as they don't bother me. | ||
| Lake Alice, but they would snatch dogs every now and then. | ||
| Someone would fuck up and walk their dog too close to the shore and they would snatch it. | ||
| It's scary shit when you hear about some little old lady and... | ||
| Her fucking dog gets yanked away from her. | ||
| Imagine what that is for her, her little buddy. | ||
| I've just moved into the hills. | ||
| You've probably got it around here as well, but people are telling us not to have a dog because fucking mountain lions will come and eat your dog. | ||
| Just in the Hollywood Hills. | ||
| It can happen. | ||
| It's rare. | ||
| It can happen. | ||
| More likely, if you have a small dog, it's coyotes. | ||
| Coyotes are dangerous. | ||
| They'll snatch dogs from people, too. | ||
| They've done that many times. | ||
| They're tricky fucks. | ||
| And they also will gang up on people. | ||
| Well, they haven't people. | ||
| A girl died last year in Toronto, or outside of Toronto, some artist. | ||
| She was-- I think it's Toronto. | ||
| Somewhere in Canada. | ||
| I thought it was Toronto. | ||
| It might not have been. | ||
| But it was somewhere in the woods. | ||
| She's going for a nature walk. | ||
| She was 19 years old, a singer. | ||
| Apparently she was a really good singer on a music contract. | ||
| She got jacked by a bunch of coyotes. | ||
| Was she good looking? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a shame. | ||
| Killed by dogs, basically. | ||
| Big, wild, crazy dogs. | ||
| My girlfriend just gave me a look when I made that joke. | ||
| She didn't like that joke. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because the implication was that ugly people should be allowed to die. | ||
| That's not pleasant. | ||
| No, that's not... | ||
| I'm not saying they should die. | ||
| I'm just saying that if you're going to save one out of the two. | ||
| Save the pretty one? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Do you ever do that before you go on planes? | ||
| Before I go on a plane, I sit there and I try to work out who I want to live and who I want to die when it crashes. | ||
| I sit there going, whose company am I most comfortable with in this group? | ||
| It's not always the pretty ones who live. | ||
| Sometimes it's just the person with the warm sort of look to them. | ||
| Yeah, I always think to myself... | ||
| So you just decide like some grand... | ||
| Just like Hitler. | ||
| I just sit there. | ||
| I just sit there going live, live, dead, dead, dead, dead, alive. | ||
| Like I wipe out whole families because I don't want anyone mourning or crying. | ||
| So if one of your family goes, you all fucking go. | ||
| That means every time you want one of the hot daughters, you have to get the whole family then, right? | ||
| Yeah, I suppose, yeah, keep a hot daughter because she'll need comforting. | ||
| And I always picture me, it's always going to be like on a snowcrest and hill or something, but I only really fly domestically across America. | ||
| It's not going to be that bad. | ||
| Did you see that Liam Neeson movie where they're in the plane? | ||
| I've heard it's great. | ||
| I haven't seen it, but I heard it's good. | ||
| The Grey. | ||
| Yeah, it's not bad, man. | ||
| It's unrealistic, because the wolves don't really behave like that, but it's pretty interesting when you hear about people that actually have been killed by wolves. | ||
| It's a lot more than I thought it was. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Some chick got killed last year in Alaska by wolves, and I thought, wow, that's probably really rare. | ||
| I bet that's only happened like once in a hundred years. | ||
| No, no, it happened a lot. | ||
| It used to happen a lot. | ||
| People used to get killed by wolves. | ||
| It was like a total normal part of life. | ||
| There's all these documented cases of people killed by wolves. | ||
| That's why Peter and the Wolf was such an entertaining program back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The big bad wolf. | ||
| What is the big bad wolf? | ||
| Why is that, you know, why is, you know, he goes to grandma's house and there's a big bad wolf waiting? | ||
| Because wolves were fucking real, man. | ||
| Like, if people lived, especially in parts of Europe, you know, especially in Russia, like, they got wolf problems, man. | ||
| Wolves are scary. | ||
| They scare the shit out of them. | ||
| Any animal, really. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Any animal for sure, but wolves? | ||
| I get scared from bugs, man, sometimes. | ||
| They're just disgusting. | ||
| We talked about this yesterday. | ||
| I had scabies once. | ||
| That's gross. | ||
| That'll do your head in. | ||
| Scabies? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I read about a dude from 1920, or wherever the fuck it was. | ||
| He was up in Canada trapping, and he killed four wolves by shooting them, and then like eight more by clubbing them to death with his rifle before a rifle butt broke, and then they killed him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, are wolves scary? | |
| Bears, though. | ||
| I've been more terrified of wolves. | ||
| I've still never seen a bear in the world. | ||
| I have. | ||
| I'd like to see that. | ||
| I've seen bears. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I want that as a ringtone. | ||
| It's a weird feeling. | ||
| What do you want as a ringtone? | ||
| You need to sell that as a ringtone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scary! | |
| You sell that for a dollar. | ||
| You just made 50 million dollars. | ||
| No, not that much. | ||
| I bet I'd make 20 bucks, though. | ||
| Yeah, wolves scare the shit out of me. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| How is that possible that I created whatever? | ||
| Tom Herrera was crazy. | ||
| That's the Xanax. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Wolves are scary. | ||
| That's the ringtone. | ||
| It's the dubstep remix of whatever. | ||
| Wolves are scary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| Powerful Jim Jeffries. | ||
| Powerful? | ||
| That's what you text me. | ||
| Is this a new thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Powerful? | |
| Powerful's been around for years. | ||
| No, but if you say powerful, is this what Americans say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Powerful? | |
| I've been saying it for years, and Bert Kreischer says it, and Duncan Trussell says it. | ||
| Everybody says it. | ||
| There's a poster over there that says powerful on it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| My friend Larry used to say it. | ||
| I'm going to say pretty strong. | ||
| I ganked it from my friend Larry. | ||
| Larry used to say it. | ||
| It was his. | ||
| He would say powerful, and he would do a head slap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Powerful? | |
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Yeah, remember Larry? | ||
| Was that Larry from the Three Stooges? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| All my zits on my forehead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would be like... | |
| Like all this... | ||
| Too much information's coming in. | ||
| I auditioned for that Three Stooges movie, man. | ||
| Oh, did you really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| One of the stupidest... | ||
| The guy who went in before me was the guy who got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| But to play Mo. | ||
| And everyone else was in the waiting room, in outfits, like really putting effort in. | ||
| And I hadn't put a lot of effort in. | ||
| And it was like you had to do one of those slapping... | ||
| type of scenes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no! | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| All by yourself. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| And there was no one there to slap. | ||
| And it was one of those things where, like, you know, like... | ||
| They never tell you that you've done badly, but also they don't tell you your agent, they go, oh, he was okay, but we're going a different way because they don't want to have that conversation with the needy agent either. | ||
| But they told my agent that I was woeful, that I was really, really bad. | ||
| You were woeful? | ||
| I know I was. | ||
| Did you ever use that word, woeful? | ||
| No. | ||
| That might be my phrasing there, but I was pretty bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you don't have anyone to slap though, does it look like you're just shooing butterflies or something? | |
| I was doing a little bit of like where you act like you're slapping at your hand and then like doing the poking thing. | ||
| Without doing the poke? | ||
| With no one with me. | ||
| That's not right. | ||
| I watched like two Stooges films that afternoon just to get me in the mood. | ||
| I was only meant to watch one, but I kind of enjoyed it, so I watched another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what you should have done? | |
| You should have come in the audition wearing a complete green suit, one of those green screen suits and the little balls all over you. | ||
| How could they expect you to do that kind of improvisation with no person there? | ||
| Well, the guy who got it was the same guy who played Robin Williams in a bio TV show about him, like a NBC midday movie type of thing, right? | ||
| Oh, so he's like a good impressionist. | ||
| He must be a good impressionist, that's all I can tell. | ||
| But he had the wig and everything, and he was in the waiting room. | ||
| He was all ready for it. | ||
| How weird is it that they're bringing back the Three Stooges, man? | ||
| That's officially out of ideas. | ||
| If they bring back Abbott and Costello... | ||
| Snooki's in the preview. | ||
| They brought back Abbott and Costello, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How could you do that? | ||
| Those were two actual people. | ||
| So were the Three Stooges, except they kept on replacing Moe with the other one, Shem or Shelp or whatever he says. | ||
| Yeah, but I always felt like they were characters. | ||
| Shelp was a Shelp. | ||
| I always felt like, like, Abaddon and Stella were saying their name. | ||
| You might as well bring... | ||
| His name really wasn't Shemp. | ||
| That guy's name really wasn't Curly. | ||
| Yeah, you're never going to bring back Lewis and Martin. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's exactly what I'm saying. | ||
| It seems like the characters, you could bring back the character Curly and have another guy play it, maybe, and get away with it. | ||
| There was another... | ||
| Stooges pick, wasn't there, where they had the guy from The Shield playing. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Michael Chiklis played it. | ||
| And it was a mini-series, a three-day mini-series, and it was produced by Mel Gibson because he's a big Stooges guy. | ||
| That was a great show, The Shield. | ||
| That was one of my favorite cop shows, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was probably the most realistic cop show ever. | ||
| I saw... | ||
| This is how realistic it was. | ||
| I saw the... | ||
| Remember the guy that had the real sort of weird bug eyes who was the one who killed his wife and the kid at the end? | ||
| He was the main character. | ||
| He was his best mate who kept fucking up and fucking up and fucking up. | ||
| But he was a bit of a psychopath who'd just kill people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw him at Whole Foods like four days ago, and I got a little bit, a little chill, like I went, oh, I've been like, go hear me. | ||
| Like I actually had that, oh, I wonder what he's in here for. | ||
| He's probably going to kill someone. | ||
| That'll suck. | ||
| Well, he was a perfect guy for that role, too. | ||
| I mean, he looked like that guy, like a dangerous, thick-looking, crazy fuck cop that would shoot you and make up a story about it and pass a lie detector test. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It was good, man. | ||
| That was a good fucking show. | ||
| It really is weird, though, seeing people that you see on TV in real life, though. | ||
| I saw the guy from Lost the other day at the Ding Dong show. | ||
| The guy that was also in Lord of the Rings. | ||
| The Irish guy. | ||
| The Irish guy that died. | ||
| I'm just sitting there going, dude, he died. | ||
| He's a ghost. | ||
| Charlie's here. | ||
| Charlie's at the Comedy Store. | ||
| You silly bitch. | ||
| Yeah, because they all died. | ||
| Didn't you watch the last episode? | ||
| They were all dead. | ||
| I loved his story arc, though. | ||
| That was a cool story arc. | ||
| Him being in that band, getting hooked on Smack. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Yeah, that was a cool story arc. | ||
| It was a good storyline. | ||
| And he started banging that bird who was the lead out of it. | ||
| That was pretty good for him, in real life, because he was a hobbit before that. | ||
| And that's a big leap. | ||
| What's your name, Lily? | ||
| Lily. | ||
| That girl is fucking pretty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| I was a Kate guy. | ||
| I liked the Kate girl. | ||
| Oh, Kate's fucking pretty, too. | ||
| She got her teeth fixed. | ||
| What's wrong with her teeth? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She had a little gap in them. | ||
| I like a little gap. | ||
| Leave that gap. | ||
| That gap is pretty, girl. | ||
| Let me kiss that gap. | ||
| Don't worry about that gap. | ||
| I'm trying to think of hot gap. | ||
| Hot gapped women throughout the world. | ||
| They're all hot, man. | ||
| I like a little gap. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Yeah, who's some hot gapped women? | ||
| Madonna in a day was a hot gapped woman. | ||
| I find... | ||
| Bella Donna? | ||
| Hot chicks with flaws are the best. | ||
| Hot, but with like one little nagging weird thing. | ||
| She's like a web thief. | ||
| If you had webbed feet... | ||
| When you say one nagging thing, you don't want to just be like missing a tick. | ||
| You want it to be... | ||
| If you had webbed feet, would you separate that shit or would you just go Aquaman? | ||
| I would take pity. | ||
| I would show it to people. | ||
| If it was just like one webbed toe, like a big toe to the next one, just on one foot, I would rock it out. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What is the webbed feet about? | ||
| I don't know, but what's the percentage of the... | ||
| The feet are webbed in the womb, and it's the last thing that happens to the body, isn't it? | ||
| The toes separate and the hands separate. | ||
| And I think it's just that last little bit didn't happen. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| What's the percentage of the small toe being retarded? | ||
| Because I have, you know, both of my pinkies are... | ||
| It's pretty much retarded. | ||
| Like, there's something wrong with it. | ||
| My little toe, you know? | ||
| Well, everyone's little toe is useless. | ||
| Mine's crooked and looks like a pigtail, and then, like, the nail doesn't really grow too much on it. | ||
| I would tell you, let me see, but, you know, you told me that you slept in those, so I'm going to say no. | ||
| I'll have a look at it. | ||
| Give me your little toe. | ||
| I always find it weird when you see those girls who keep this, because I don't keep my toenails that well-clipped, I imagine. | ||
| I do a fair job, but nothing remarkable. | ||
| But when you see that girl that's clipped the nail so much, she just has that little toenail that's not like it's a slither, like a millimeter. | ||
| That's what mine is. | ||
| Yours is. | ||
| And then the girl still bothers to paint it. | ||
| That's so gross. | ||
| She still paints that little bit just over the top. | ||
| It's like when you see a girl put red lipstick on and she smears it a little or something. | ||
| That is kind of weird, that little phantom last toenail. | ||
| So you don't have the nail, you just have the sliver? | ||
| I have the sliver, sometimes it doesn't even grow. | ||
| Do you ever think of just taking it off and just being done with it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's the use of it? | ||
| What's the use of any of your toenails? | ||
| What the fuck is up with these nails, man? | ||
| That's the weird thing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| These things that grow. | ||
| Well, hand nails are useless, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're useful. | ||
| They're good for clogging, but they're so weak. | ||
| We just don't know how to use them yet. | ||
| But your toenails, useless fuckers, and they're stronger than the hand ones. | ||
| Do you think that cavemen had much stronger fingernails? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| If you were jacking things with your nails all the time, would they get thicker? | ||
| Would they grow muscle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| No, if you grow them long, they get real thick in the back. | ||
| When you look at these Guinness Book of Records stuff, they can't cut them because once they get so long, it joins their blood flow and shit. | ||
| Whoa, daddy, what? | ||
| When they start curling and stuff. | ||
| Hold up, son. | ||
| It joins your blood flow. | ||
| Yeah, I'm talking when they get like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then they get it there and they start curling and curling. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They reckon these people have to have special surgery because they can't just cut them at the base. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Because that's become an extension of you. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ, you're a tree. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're a goddamn nail tree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| That's supposed to turn into your trans... | ||
| What if that was supposed to do that for a reason? | ||
| Like it was supposed to grow up that big and it's supposed to turn into like a time machine. | ||
| That's always the theory of evolution. | ||
| It's like whenever something new is on the human body, we cut it out. | ||
| We go, we don't know what this is, we're cutting it out. | ||
| What if this person is just the most evolved person and like an iPod's growing out of their arm or something? | ||
| What if he cut his nails off and then he has like the phantom nail itch? | ||
| He feels them touching things. | ||
| They're not there anymore. | ||
| It feels like, you know, he amputated his hand. | ||
| That guy had like nerve damage because of that. | ||
| The guy in the Guinness Book of World Records. | ||
| There's a whole lot of them that are into it, yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| You go to India, you see a lot of shit like that. | ||
| Just India is weird, man. | ||
| India is weird? | ||
| India is just a weird place. | ||
| There's a lot of people, right? | ||
| So anytime you get a lot of people, you've got a billion people. | ||
| Think how many weird people in America with 330 million. | ||
| Go to India, you've got a billion. | ||
| It's a lot more weirdness that can carry on. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| That's why I always think that America gets a bad rap because Australians and British are always going on about how idiotic Americans are. | ||
| It's just that you get to publicize yours more. | ||
| Americans aren't any more stupid than the British or Australian. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's stupid people all over the world. | ||
| All over the world, but you have more of them because you just, per capita, you have more of them. | ||
| It might be that, but it also might be, this is a country that's lived in prosperity for so long. | ||
| There's a lot of soft-minded folks. | ||
| They haven't had to question the way things are really running. | ||
| They haven't had to investigate things. | ||
| They've sort of sat back and let everything sort of happen. | ||
| It wasn't until recently, I think, that people are finally starting to realize that you really can't do that. | ||
| You can't just trust the government because they can't be trusted. | ||
| They run amok. | ||
| There's a lot of people, though, that haven't done that yet. | ||
| Don't they reckon that only 40% of all Americans have passports, though? | ||
| That's the one that I always find upsetting. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Australians would be at least 90% of my passports because it's an isolated country. | ||
| There's a bit of you that goes, well, maybe that's because in America you can go to Disneyland. | ||
| It's already there. | ||
| We're all coming on holidays over to see your shit. | ||
| You've already got all your shit and it's very nice. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| This is a strange country, man. | ||
| They're all strange. | ||
|
unidentified
|
George Bush didn't have a passport until he was president. | |
| That's amazing, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was he, like 50? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Never had a fucking passport and he's the most powerful man in the world and never traveled? | ||
| He just traveled under different names. | ||
| He's a fascinating dude. | ||
| I would love to drink with George Bush and just find out what the fuck he really thinks about things. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| I have a friend who, and I can't say his name because he's a fairly famous actor. | ||
| Well, I have a friend who shagged one of his girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, you just opened up a can of shit. | |
| You just opened up a can of shit. | ||
| They're going to find you and they're going to waterboard your ass until you give up that dude. | ||
| We're already dead. | ||
| For real, man. | ||
| You can't just come on our show and do that. | ||
| We talk a lot of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We know that people have fucked these daughters, of course. | ||
| No way, dude. | ||
| That's not what I heard. | ||
| I just want to know if he's ticklish. | ||
| If he's George W? I bet he is. | ||
| What do you think actually happened to him when he had that black eye and he said he ate a pretzel and choked and blacked out and fell down? | ||
| I believe exactly that's what happened. | ||
| I can see him eating a pretzel and freaking out and tripping him. | ||
| I think that's what happened as well because he would make up a less idiotic life. | ||
| I think his dad put a fucking leather glove on and beat his ass off. | ||
| While he was eating a pretzel. | ||
| Yeah, maybe he started talking some shit like, well, who's the president now? | ||
| Is it me or you? | ||
| It used to be you, right? | ||
| Yeah, but it's me now, right? | ||
| Yeah, okay, cool. | ||
| I just want to know. | ||
| I'm the president, right? | ||
| You did one term, right? | ||
| Yeah, I'm on my second. | ||
| Yeah, and this motherfucker just put on a leather glove. | ||
| Tickled him. | ||
| And Herbert Walker... | ||
| George Sr. was the head of the CIA. That dude was no joke. | ||
| He probably interrogated him. | ||
| So he had to say he fell on a present. | ||
| So did you like either of them? | ||
| Or did both of them? | ||
| Do I like? | ||
| Did you like them? | ||
| Were they good guys in your mind? | ||
| Well, not based on anything they ever did with the world. | ||
| I mean, I don't know them personally. | ||
| I think George Bush Jr. would be a cool guy to hang out with. | ||
| He just seems like he's a bit of a laugh. | ||
| I bet if you could really pick that guy's brain, if you were given access to his memory banks, I bet it would be quite fascinating. | ||
| Because I bet that's a guy who's just a puppet, just a fucking happy guy, who's a guy part of a big influential family. | ||
| I think they just told him what to say and he went out and said it. | ||
| That's what it looks like to me. | ||
| Imagine! | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| What's he doing now? | ||
| Because you see Clinton all the time. | ||
| Clinton's always doing stuff. | ||
| George hasn't done nothing since he's left. | ||
| He's probably watching us on the... | ||
| Well, Dick Cheney just got a new heart, you know? | ||
| They just gave him a new heart. | ||
| Ah, like the Tin Man. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He got a heart transplant. | ||
| Apparently, before that, he had a machine hooked up, like some sort of a pump in his body, so he didn't have a pulse. | ||
| No, no, it was more complicated. | ||
| Whatever it did, he didn't have a pulse anymore. | ||
| This thing sort of helped him pump the blood. | ||
| And like, if you try to do his pulse, he would have no pulse, but he was alive. | ||
| Yeah, but wouldn't you still have a pulse? | ||
| No, apparently not. | ||
| Because it wasn't pumping in a pulsing way, it was just pumping in a stream? | ||
| You know what I'm saying by that? | ||
| It wasn't going through, it was just flowing. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I think that's what I would guess, but being an idiot and know nothing about medical science. | ||
| I like to think that it's one of those things that I use at a fireplace. | ||
| A bellows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A bellow. | |
| I like it's one of those things that you siphon petrol with. | ||
| I guess that the pump though is the actual heart muscle working you know the pump is the actual heart muscle pushing it out if the heart muscles not working and this pump is doing so is it an artificial heart is that what it is whatever the fuck it was he didn't have a pulse because of this thing and then they opened him up Hearts are weird. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I don't know how they've become synonymous with love. | ||
| They're the grossest fucking things. | ||
| Well, there's a reason for it. | ||
| And the reason they recently discovered, and this is just, I think, within the last couple of years, that there's at least as many neurons in the heart as there are in the brain. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| You're talking about a theory about where someone gets a heart transplant. | ||
| I've heard these stories before. | ||
| Someone gets a heart transplant and then all of a sudden they can speak fucking French? | ||
| No, that's... | ||
| And we give too much credit to the brain and the other organs can do shit? | ||
| Well, that's, you know, I don't know if that's real or not. | ||
| I don't know if anybody's ever come back from a... | ||
| I don't think it is. | ||
| An organ transplant and given a depiction of the person's life. | ||
| But if you were going to do it from any organ transplant, I would say the heart's not a bad candidate because of all the neurons in it. | ||
| See, they don't know where the fuck your memory comes from. | ||
| Memory is a mystery because every cell in your body is replaced every seven years. | ||
| Your cells all get replaced. | ||
| Like, there's a new you every seven years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought they knew the space that it's stored, or you're saying... | |
| Those cells, those brain cells, they regenerate. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| What doesn't though is neurons. | ||
| Neurons apparently you keep for life. | ||
| They know like what part of the brain hurts, like if you hurt part of the brain, they know like where memory is stored based on people getting injuries to specific locations of the brain, like how their brain, you know, how they, you know, like they know, like fun of lobotomies. | ||
| You know, they figured that out. | ||
| They knew like where they could do something to zombie you out. | ||
| They found the right spot. | ||
| Where the dude, by the way, won the fucking Nobel Prize. | ||
| The guy who made lobotomies won a Nobel Prize. | ||
| Like they thought he was awesome. | ||
| Like dude, way to go. | ||
| Hitler was Times Man of the Year. | ||
| You silence these retards. | ||
| You fucking drill a hole in their head and scoop out their brains. | ||
| I always liked shock therapy. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty crazy. | ||
| Yeah, when you ever see that fucking book. | ||
| I had a very close relative go through that when they were younger. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| The right down on the rubber stick and the fucking... | ||
| We're going to fucking... | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Like this whole idea that we're going to kill the psycho out of you with electric... | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And that was happening right up until the 80s in Australia, shock therapy. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And that's, like, so close to when they're, like, bleeding and using leeches in medicine, like, to go, oh, yeah, we'll just electrocute people. | ||
| Well, electricity seems so cool and so powerful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, well, let's just hook them up to that shit, see if it fixes them. | |
| Yeah, this guy's schizophrenic. | ||
| This'll help. | ||
| Could you imagine what that must fucking feel like? | ||
| And fighting it because you're already a bit mental and then the nurse is holding you down. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| When you think about doing this, how did it start off? | ||
| Did they do it on mice first? | ||
| And then we're like, wow, that mouse is crazy. | ||
| And then they shock it. | ||
| It's like, oh, it's not moving around much anymore. | ||
| That one's a lot more docile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She blinded me with... | |
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah, how did they figure that out? | ||
| Some crazy asshole. | ||
| They started on humans? | ||
| It just doesn't seem right. | ||
| Like the same Nobel Prize winning asshole scrambling people's fucking brains. | ||
| But when we look back, because bleeding has got to be the most stupid of them all, right? | ||
| When you're really sick, they cut all your blood out and dripped it into bowls because they thought they were getting... | ||
| When you needed your blood more than ever, right? | ||
| God, yeah. | ||
| Are we going to, in 50 years, go... | ||
| They used to give these kids that couldn't breathe these little puffers that made it worse and gave them... | ||
| You know, is there going to be things from now? | ||
| What are you going to look back at and go, that was fucking madness? | ||
| Well, chemotherapy seemed like madness. | ||
| You know what will seem like madness? | ||
| Prescription drug abuse. | ||
| When they find out how many different people are hooked on all sorts of different painkillers. | ||
| See, that's a real American thing. | ||
| In Britain, it's where I've taken most of my drugs. | ||
| I never knew what an Oxycontin was until a couple of years ago. | ||
| Maybe your government is better at filtering the stuff. | ||
| You have socialized medicine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's the difference right there. | ||
| It's probably not as easy to get. | ||
| See, in America, it's real easy to get that stuff. | ||
| All you have to do is be injured. | ||
| Pharmaceutical drugs are, you know, really, you know, they've helped a lot of people. | ||
| A lot of people have benefited, for sure, from discoveries that, you know, have kept people alive that would have been dead. | ||
| A lot of, like, really cool things have been discovered. | ||
| But there's also a lot of money in pharmaceutical drugs. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And whenever there's a lot of money in something, and that something just happens to be addictive, then... | ||
| The money starts pouring in. | ||
| Well, they get addicted to that money. | ||
| You can't tell a pharmaceutical company that loses 8-10,000 people a year to whatever the fuck they're selling. | ||
| You can't tell them that you can't sell that stuff anymore. | ||
| You've got to stop. | ||
| Everyone in America has this little thing. | ||
| We obviously, with our jobs, fly a lot. | ||
| And whenever I get on a plane, like I speak to my management or agents or something, I go, fuck it, I want to do this flight, I can't sleep on planes. | ||
| They always just, just take a Xanax. | ||
| Easy, just take a Xanax. | ||
| And they say it so blasé. | ||
| You're like, no, it's... | ||
| And then you think, this is what these people are doing just when they're home in bed and they're tossing and turning a little bit. | ||
| Sometimes it's just fucking hard to go to sleep. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had Xanax this week. | ||
| Yeah, Xanax. | ||
| Don Marrero went off about Xanax. | ||
| He's been taking it for like four or five years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he likes it? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Didn't sound like he liked it. | ||
| Sounded like he needed it. | ||
| Sounded like he enjoyed it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't think he likes it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, no, I get completely what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of people on that stuff, though. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| It's real common. | ||
| You know, it's strange. | ||
| Well, that's how Heath Ledger and all that. | ||
| I reckon Heath Ledger never was a recreational drug taker at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| But he just got really into like, I knew my sleep, I knew my sleep. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people... | ||
| Working on sets, long fucking days. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of people that... | ||
| Yeah, those movie star dudes. | ||
| It seems like an easy life, but when you're on a set, you might have to work 16 hours in a day. | ||
| And you have to put out all that energy. | ||
| A lot of them get sick. | ||
| A lot of them need B12 shots. | ||
| It's not easy, man. | ||
| Especially when you're... | ||
| Acting at that level. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That guy was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He was a good actor. | ||
| Made out with a dude. | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| Strong. | ||
| They went at it strong. | ||
| Spit in the hand. | ||
| Have you seen Life's Too Short yet? | ||
| Did I see what? | ||
| Life's Too Short, the new Ricky Gervais TV show? | ||
| No. | ||
| Just a show about dwarves. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's a sitcom about dwarves on HBO, but if you haven't seen it, I won't reference it. | ||
| Basically, they make a whole lot of dwarves go through... | ||
| Famous scenes in movie history and there's a broke back mountain which is just funny to watch with two English dwarfs going, I'm definitely gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my word, I'm enjoying this. | |
| But if you haven't seen it, I'm not going to talk about it. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| It's on at the moment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| It's very good. | ||
| What was that video you were showing me earlier from the Bone Zone of those dudes kissing each other? | ||
| How did people find that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| If you go on YouTube, it's Randy Lidke and Davey Johnson. | ||
| And the video is called An Intimate Moment on the Bone Zone. | ||
| And that's just from one of the podcasts we do at Death Squad. | ||
| Yeah, Brendan Walsh, who is, I think he's in, where is he at? | ||
| Somewhere, Seattle or something this week? | ||
| Yeah, he's somewhere. | ||
| Vancouver, some shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because he asked me to tweet it. | ||
| But he's got a podcast on DeskWad, and it's called The Bone Zone. | ||
| He's a fucking funny dude. | ||
| So anything he's doing. | ||
| Yeah, so there's like kissing, two guys kiss in every episode. | ||
| And so we, it's really funny, though. | ||
| They're really funny guys. | ||
| Seattle. | ||
| Yeah, so Seattle, folks. | ||
| He's in Vancouver tonight and tomorrow, too. | ||
| So look on brendanwalsh.com. | ||
| There you go, Brendan. | ||
| I gave you a plug, you fuck. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Don Barris has been locked out of his own Facebook account for four days. | ||
| A hacker... | ||
| But we were just saying some nice things about Brendan Walsh. | ||
| Why have to go negative? | ||
| Oh, I just... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| So what is a hacker going on? | ||
| To get people to go out and see Brendan Walsh. | ||
| Brendan Walsh is hilarious, isn't he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brian, shouldn't people go see him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought we were past that. | ||
| I don't really know him, but he sounds very funny. | ||
| But somebody took his fucking Facebook account and changed all his email and stuff, and now he can't get back into it, and Facebook won't help him at all. | ||
| So now there's just somebody looking at all his shit, looking at all his photos. | ||
| Does he have an ex-girlfriend that hates him? | ||
| No, somebody hacked his shit. | ||
| Everyone's got one of those. | ||
| Does he have enemies? | ||
| You know all that shit he does with Scary Perry and all that shit like that. | ||
| There might be people that are against that or something. | ||
| Yeah, if you don't know, they did a movie. | ||
| What is the name of that movie? | ||
| Windy City Heat. | ||
| Oh, I love this movie. | ||
| Yeah, I love that film. | ||
| Don Barris is a part of that. | ||
| It does get cruel at moments, and then you just have to remember that that guy's a bit of an asshole. | ||
| Yeah, he's a weird guy to be around, that's for sure. | ||
| But, I mean, wow, they took it deep. | ||
| I mean, they made a movie about this guy being famous, and he really believed it. | ||
| I mean, to me, that's like, a part of that is like, you're picking on mental illness. | ||
| It's clearly this guy, there's a disconnect between this guy and reality. | ||
| Like, it's funny, sorta, but man, you're talking about, like, the ultimate, the joke's on you. | ||
| That's like, they're picking on a crazy person. | ||
| Yeah, but one thing that's different than that argument is that the crazy people all want to be comics or actors, so they know what they're doing. | ||
| Well, so that's the other thing. | ||
| We've done Opie and Anthony together a fair bit, right? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| And every time I do it, one of their, I wouldn't say retards, one of their crazies that are on the show, Sometimes I go home feeling a little bit down about it and then I remember that they love it. | ||
| That's their lives. | ||
| They've got a level of fame. | ||
| They go to these conventions or whatever and they get a big round of applauses and for them it's very exciting. | ||
| But it is just picking on a mentally ill person. | ||
| I think there's a way to do it and a way not to do it. | ||
| Don does it right. | ||
| Like, one of the guys is a schizophrenic surfer guy, and I used to do open mics with this guy, and he's schizophrenic, and he's really hardcore schizophrenic, but he would do, like, an act, and then, like, afterwards I would always try to talk to him, but he would, like, look past me, and it was really weird. | ||
| Now, what does schizophrenic entail? | ||
| What has to be wrong with you? | ||
| Schizophrenic's two personalities, right? | ||
| I don't know, he's just really... | ||
| What's that one? | ||
| It seems like... | ||
| That's not... | ||
| Bipolar is not two personality. | ||
| No, bipolar is not. | ||
| Bipolar is depression. | ||
| It's being up, it's being down. | ||
| Schizophrenia is you start believing you're someone else. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| You go in and out of different personalities. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes you can talk to him, other times he just looks past you. | ||
| And plus the fact that he smokes weed on top of that is kind of like really weird. | ||
| But he's a real nice guy. | ||
| But as an example, I used to do open mics with him, and now he's fucking loving doing the Ding Dong show. | ||
| Okay, this is... | ||
| It makes it difficult to tell the difference between real and unreal experiences. | ||
| Think logically, have normal emotional responses, behave normally in social situations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So what's the dual personality one? | |
| Well, you can... | ||
| I think there's... | ||
| Well, there's people that don't believe in multiple personality disorder. | ||
| They think it's horseshit. | ||
| There are people that think it's horseshit. | ||
| They just want attention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Have you ever met anybody that was a real... | ||
| I've got a friend, and he's a good friend of mine, so I won't say his name, but I have a friend of mine who says that he had a split personality, but it was just... | ||
| Whenever he acted like an asshole... | ||
| Oh, that was such and such that just came out. | ||
| And you're like, no, you were just an asshole. | ||
| You can't just say that you're you when you're good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're you when you're bad as well. | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Some people have it, I guess. | ||
| I guess dissociative identity disorder. | ||
| They're saying it's real. | ||
| Well, there's people who actually change their name and I'm Candy now and I have a dog. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know who did that was the dude Herschel Walker. | ||
| Herschel Walker apparently had like some serious problems. | ||
| Who's Herschel Walker? | ||
| Oh, he's a famous football player. | ||
| Who's an older guy, and he's now competing in MMA. In his time, he was one of the greatest football players of all time. | ||
| A ridiculous athlete. | ||
| And now he's 48 years old, shredded, and just destroying people in mixed martial arts fights. | ||
| And that was his background. | ||
| There's a kid from Australia who got signed up to, I think, one of the big NFL teams yesterday and never held an American football. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| He played rugby, but they just made him do all the tackling stuff and statistically he's off the chart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Straight into the NFL and never touched the ball. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the NFL wants super athletes. | ||
| Yeah, he's like one of these 6'8", just powerhouse type of blokes, you know. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| There's some people and you get around them, you can't believe that's a real person. | ||
| That's a person too. | ||
| Like, I'm the same as that person, we're the same species. | ||
| Like Shaq, you ever meet Shaq? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shaq. | |
| There's a guy in New Zealand called Jonah Lomu, who's fairly well portrayed in that movie, Vindictus or whatever, about the rugby world cut. | ||
| But that's the biggest cut I've ever seen. | ||
| What's that movie? | ||
| The one with Matt Damon and fucking Nelson Mandela. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Morgan Freeman. | ||
| Was that good? | ||
| That was pretty good, man. | ||
| He did a fucking excellent Nelson Mandela. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I like South Africa. | ||
| You ever gigged out there? | ||
| Man, I'll hook you up with this guy, man. | ||
| You like it? | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking great, man. | ||
| The people are awesome. | ||
| The food's outstanding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You just can't walk the streets, right? | ||
| It's just one of these things where there's barbed wire fences and shit everywhere. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| How dangerous is it? | ||
| You lock your guns up in lockers when you're going to the casino, and you'll see everyone pulling their gun out. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You just don't go through the townships, and you try not to have sex with anyone for a couple of weeks. | ||
| That's about... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Africa's Africa. | ||
| Or go to Hawaii. | ||
| Yeah, Hawaii sounds better. | ||
| There was a story about a guy who took his girlfriend to Africa and arranged for her to be kidnapped. | ||
| And they kidnapped her and killed her. | ||
| Crazy fucking story, man. | ||
| That he got down there and he convinced someone to kidnap her. | ||
| He was going to get the ransom money from her parents or something like that. | ||
| And they just fucking killed her. | ||
| Yeah, no ransom money for death. | ||
| It's silly kidnapping. | ||
| That's one story. | ||
| The other story is that he had her killed. | ||
| He wanted to move on to some new girl, so he had her killed, which is even fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, just break up with her, mate. | ||
| How hard can it be? | ||
| Some dudes just get deep. | ||
| They just get deep into it. | ||
| They've got to get out. | ||
| I've got to get out now. | ||
| The only way is for her to die. | ||
| But you can see lions and tigers out there. | ||
| It's pretty exciting. | ||
| What a fucked up thing to do, man. | ||
| Hire someone to kidnap your chick. | ||
| I always love that, though, when you see those news stories. | ||
| It's happened to us so many times when we watch news stories where some mums are like, we were driving along and this black man with tattoos just opened the door and stole my car with my child in it. | ||
| And then you go, that car's going to end up in the swamp and you put them in the seatbelt and this is going to be awesome. | ||
| But now it makes you suspicious of every person who ever cries on TV. You always watch them going, yeah, you're a killer. | ||
| I always go straight for... | ||
| Well, when you find out that they are, it is the weirdest feeling in the world. | ||
| Especially if you've been supporting them. | ||
| If you've been going, that poor lady, that poor lady. | ||
| If you feel cheated as the public, you're like... | ||
| How many times have women been busted doing that where they didn't know that they were guilty and then they caught them? | ||
| In America a couple of times, but there's a case in the UK which has been going on for fucking everyone. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maddie... | |
| Anyway, very famous case in the UK where this couple went on holiday in Portugal. | ||
| They were in a resort type thing. | ||
| They left the kid... | ||
| Madeline McCain was the name of the little girl. | ||
| And so they left Madeleine McCain in this room. | ||
| They went off and had dinner like 50 metres away. | ||
| She's five years old. | ||
| They just left her there sleeping. | ||
| When they got back, she was gone, right? | ||
| Now, the case has never been opened, but people are still of the opinion that maybe they did it, right? | ||
| Maybe, but no one can prove that. | ||
| And then they're like, maybe some pedophile did it, maybe some whatever did it. | ||
| But it's a real big case. | ||
| Like to the extent that last time I went back to Britain, they had pictures of her five years on, computer generated what she'd look like now. | ||
| So to keep looking for her, like the parents are still like putting in... | ||
| It's just so creepy when they do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A fake person. | ||
| I used to do a joke and I went, how long are we going to keep this going for? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope another six years so we can get that hot picture of when she's 16. Yeah, they start making her have thongs on. | |
| This is how she'd look now. | ||
| Most likely with a collar on her neck. | ||
| That's pretty fucked. | ||
| Why don't I just put a realistic picture of just some bones covered with cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| *sigh* Fun. | ||
| It's fun being creative. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Yeah, you can never do that in any other job and be like, you know, that was excellent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We sat back and we were like, wow, I can't believe you did that, but that's pretty fucking funny. | |
| You know, you would get in trouble if you were in upper management somewhere. | ||
| You know, and you said that at a board meeting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine, pass the milk, and you hold up this thing. | |
| Shouldn't this, was this a fucking real thing? | ||
| Can you imagine, shouldn't this be a pile of bones and cum? | ||
| And everybody just silence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or if you're an advertising guy, and you just came in with a poster of that. | |
| My brother's quite a successful business type guy. | ||
| I couldn't tell you quite what he does, but he was entertaining clients on a boat. | ||
| Like an escort? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they were trying to, yeah, very similar to that. | |
| So he was out of dating clients on a boat, like people he was trying to get money out of. | ||
| He developed shopping centres and stuff, right? | ||
| So he had this boat, and this was years, this was early on in my career, and I had like a CD out, my first CD, and my brother just had it, and he goes, oh, everyone wasn't really getting along, so I thought I'd put your CD on and see if we could pick the mood up of the group. | ||
| He goes, you started with a Down syndrome joke. | ||
| The fucking guy's kid had Down Syndrome and we're stuck in Sydney Harbour and we couldn't go back. | ||
| And he was yelling at me like I fucked his deal up. | ||
| You don't have to put my CD on. | ||
| No one asked you to put it on. | ||
| Not much of a story. | ||
| But it's what we got. | ||
| It's what we got. | ||
| We got to work with it. | ||
| So I guess this is actually kind of disputed, this multiple personality disorder. | ||
| Some people think it's bullshit, but a lot of people think it's legit. | ||
| You know that's the one person doing that? | ||
| Maybe, right? | ||
| They're all typing in under the different personalities. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| I think Herschel Walker thought it was trauma-induced from the years of football. | ||
| Which is totally crazy, and now he's fighting. | ||
| It's like, wow. | ||
| What, you're saying that he's punched drunk? | ||
| Well, not necessarily punched drunk. | ||
| I mean, he talks fine. | ||
| He seems to think fine, too. | ||
| But a lot of people believe that you could get a lot of things wrong with your brain from repeated trauma. | ||
| And the kind of trauma they have on football is like, I mean, these guys are running at each other and clashing heads and shit and head to fucking knees. | ||
| And I mean, there's some serious impact that these guys are withstanding. | ||
| And a lot of them get fucked up because of it. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's what he was saying, was that it was a trauma-related multiple personality disorder. | ||
| It's the same as Muhammad Ali. | ||
| People still go, oh, we're not sure. | ||
| Oh, you're sure. | ||
| They're sure. | ||
| If they're not sure, they're silly. | ||
| But it's the same as Richard Pryor and Dudley Moore both took a lot of cocaine in their days. | ||
| And then they had the same, this extraordinarily rare nerve disorder. | ||
| It wasn't just Parkinson's. | ||
| It was like a rare strain of it. | ||
| And the people still go, oh, we don't quite know how this happened. | ||
| And it's like, I think I know. | ||
| Yeah, I know another person who did the exact same thing and has the exact same problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's super, super common, man. | ||
| Well, Dudley Moore kept it secret for years, and everyone, because they thought he was just a drunk, but he was then giving up acting and things. | ||
| He used to go out as a concert pianist, because he was a really good pianist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He used to get halfway through a song and then just sort of down the microphone everyone going, Dudley's drunk again. | ||
| He wasn't drunk, he was just fucking heavily diseased. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| For the last three or four years of his career, no one knew. | ||
| Wow, that's incredible. | ||
| Remember that show, That's Incredible? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a good show. | ||
| That was a good show. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you watched it today, would you buy a DVD? It'd probably be awesome now. | ||
| If it came out at Best Buy, if you went to Best Buy and stuff, that's incredible, a DVD collection. | ||
| It depends how much it was. | ||
| I would buy it just to see what a time-traveling device it would be. | ||
| I bought The Greatest American Hero, or I got The Greatest American Hero on Netflix the other day because I just liked it so much as a kid. | ||
| Yeah, is it like that? | ||
| Because I remember as a kid, I really loved that show. | ||
| The flying is so like... | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| That noise is so stupid that I can't believe I was ever fooled or ever amazed by it. | ||
| Yeah, it's like time travel. | ||
| You can go back and see what amused you when you were little and be baffled. | ||
| This is the whole theory on why kids should see gentle porn. | ||
| Gentle porn. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I grew up finding a Playboy magazine and then just batting off to it until I found another magazine that was, you know, kids today are going straight to internet. | ||
| They're going to be fucked. | ||
| Do Australian guys find their magazines in the woods as well? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, in the bush we find them, yeah. | |
| Isn't that incredible? | ||
| And I always used to think that some adult's hidden it here, but I look back at it, no, just some other kid hid it there in the bush. | ||
| It's part of the simulation. | ||
| It was programmed that way. | ||
| Yeah, it's almost like it grew there. | ||
| You're supposed to find it. | ||
| It's native to that environment. | ||
| I remember masturbating so young. | ||
| I was about seven years old. | ||
| Seven. | ||
| And I found this picture. | ||
| My mother was the only woman in the house. | ||
| I went through one of her magazines. | ||
| So we didn't have underwear catalogs sitting around, like a Victoria's Secret catalog or something like that would have been good. | ||
| But I found this picture in my mum's women's magazine. | ||
| It was just this naked titnit. | ||
| This magazine never had a naked titnit before, right? | ||
| So I cut this picture out. | ||
| I cut this picture out. | ||
| I masturbated to this picture from about seven till ten. | ||
| Just one tit. | ||
| Just this one tit, right? | ||
| And I found out at 10, because I was watching the news, it was a picture of a woman having a mammogram. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, but I didn't know as a kid, and I used to think, because the other tit was in a machine being squeezed down, and I was like, that must be some sex machine. | ||
| It's amazing that kept your interest for so long. | ||
| Yeah, I stole the lingerie thing out of the Sears catalog from my friend's mom's Sears catalog. | ||
| And I used to keep it and I put it in my books and hide it in a book and pull it out and look at it and masturbate and shit. | ||
| Remember the lingerie, you know, like in the catalogs, the old catalogs, we used to have catalogs. | ||
| I remember there being, I used to buy porn on video and then when I went to university and I was like 22 or something like that, they used to keep on sending me the catalogs because I bought a couple of videos years ago. | ||
| And I used to keep them, and they were just like little pictures of scenes from the movies. | ||
| I never bought anything, but the catalogs, once a month, that was a big day. | ||
| It was free, and I was broke. | ||
| I was fucking happy. | ||
| I always used to keep my roommate one catalog behind, so he would get the new month's one after I got my new month's one. | ||
| It's funny that what you would want then to see naked girls, to look at naked girls, that people would deny that of you. | ||
| They say you're not ready for that yet. | ||
| I mean, that's what it's all about. | ||
| It's about protecting kids. | ||
| But clearly, you have these sexual crazy urges. | ||
| And everyone's just in denial about it. | ||
| Nope, you're only 16. You can't buy a Playboy. | ||
| Like, you can't even buy a Playboy when you're 16. You can't even just let me see a little titty. | ||
| I don't even need to see a vagina. | ||
| Can I just see a leg? | ||
| But they put it in movies when you're 16. Yeah. | ||
| See, I've got to commend Britain. | ||
| On page three of the newspapers, there's a topless girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just in the normal newspaper. | ||
| Always, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Sixteen-year-olds can't go to the movies that show tits. | ||
| Tits is not PG. You can't. | ||
| Something like Porky's has a bit of tit in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't Porky's R? Wouldn't Porky's be R? I think back then it was... | |
| Well, we were in Australia called M, which is 16 and up. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, maybe that is R, yeah. | ||
| Mature. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, but we have R as well, but mature is 16, then R is 18. There's 17, I think, is R. Isn't that it? | ||
| And NC-17 is for, no matter what, you can't even go with an adult unless you're 17. My father's so deprived of being able to see tits. | ||
| Because my mum's such a big, hefty woman, and he just... | ||
| But he's still like a horny sort of bloke, my dad, right? | ||
| So when we were kids, if me and my two brothers were sitting watching, let's say the movie Labyrinth, we were watching like a very innocent puppet-related film, all at once during the film, and he'd be in the house, we'd all go, oh, look at those tits! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Within seconds, my dad would just casually walk out and sit and watch the rest of the film with... | ||
| He'd come in and go, what are you watching? | ||
| Like this. | ||
| He'd go all the way through the film and then he'd go, oh, I might watch the beginning of that film. | ||
| I missed what happened in the beginning. | ||
| You trolled him. | ||
| You trolled him. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| And you let him sit through the whole movie? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So we'd all go off and play, and then he'd have to sit through the first 30 minutes again. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking funny. | ||
| Just in the hope, because it was going to come. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| You guys should have filmed that. | ||
| That would make a hilarious short film. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just explain it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And now I'm there with a time code. | ||
| We could still do it now. | ||
| You should still do it. | ||
| I could see it. | ||
| It's filmed the light of the TV. It's what's on him, right? | ||
| A little time code in the bottom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show him 10 minutes later, 20 minutes later, 30 minutes later. | |
| Look at us watching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That could be hilarious. | |
| It could be hilarious if you explain it to the camera. | ||
| He found some porn magazines. | ||
| I do a routine on this, but he found some porn magazines under my... | ||
| My mother found some porn magazines under my bed, and she put them in the bin, because that's like, you know, you put them in the bin, and then she didn't say anything to me. | ||
| She just let me off scot-free on it. | ||
| She didn't, like, get angry or anything, so I felt like I got away with it, but my porn drawer was empty, right? | ||
| And I worked in the news agency, so I used to collect them from the bins out the back of the news agency, so I had piles and piles of them. | ||
| I was a paperboy. | ||
| So I was in my dad's workbench, and I was hammering a nail down. | ||
| I look under the bench, and there's all my porn magazines. | ||
| They're all dog-eared, and they're like lettuce leaf on them and stuff. | ||
| Because what happened was, my dad's got to take the bin to the end of the driveway on a Wednesday. | ||
| He opened the garbage bin, saw all the porn. | ||
| He recovered it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I took it off to his shed where he could masturbate. | |
| So I collected it all back up and I took it back to my drawer just because, you know, the circle of life, right? | ||
| And my dad comes, I'm in the living room, he comes out and goes, Jim, were you in my garage? | ||
| And I said, and I go, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, you know how those magazines? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I went, Neither are you. | |
| And I was about 13 at the stage. | ||
| I said, neither are you. | ||
| And he went, oh, can I have four? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| And there was an actual moment where I start with my dad and I had a debate when I was 13 over, all right, you can have a hustler, a penthouse, a playboy. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Brian, what's your phone? | ||
| It's not my phone. | ||
| Is it your phone? | ||
| Brian, you can't leave your phone by the thing. | ||
| How many times do we have to tell you? | ||
| Get that crazy zappity-zap shit in my head. | ||
| Airplanes crash, man. | ||
| That noise. | ||
| You can't leave that shit right by the mp3 player while you're getting texts. | ||
| Would you rather kiss Nancy Reagan on the lips or the tit? | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| Right now. | ||
| Oh, tit, definitely. | ||
| No, lips. | ||
| Lips. | ||
| Lips. | ||
| I don't want to suck on an old lady's titty, like a really old... | ||
| What is she, 89 or something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But you could either say you kissed her on the boob or on the lips. | ||
| No, I'd give her... | ||
| How about you not tell anybody? | ||
| I'd give her... | ||
| Keep that shit to yourself. | ||
| I'd give her a respectful kiss on the mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Respectful. | ||
| Yeah, a nice little... | ||
| You look very nice today, Nancy. | ||
| I went awesome. | ||
| Sorry your husband's dead. | ||
| I tweeted to Deepak Chopra today. | ||
| I rarely do, but sometimes that dude says shit that's so ridiculous, I want to tweet back to him. | ||
| He goes, when you reach pure awareness, you will have no problems. | ||
| Therefore, there will be no need for solutions. | ||
| And I wrote back, if you reach pure awareness and someone kicks you in the balls, you still have problems. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| And that's a fact. | ||
| If you put shit like that on Twitter, someone's going to want to kick you in the balls. | ||
| Who's Dubap Chupa? | ||
| Deepak Chopra, bro. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| He's some Indian dude. | ||
| He's like some guru-type character. | ||
| See, that's exactly what you say. | ||
| So you can reach pure awareness... | ||
| But your wife still has cancer, say. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But you can be completely aware of it, but that doesn't mean the problem's gone. | ||
| Well, he's saying you have no problems. | ||
| Yeah, I say he's full of shit then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pure awareness, you will have no problems. | ||
| That shit's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You can't just do what you want to do. | ||
| You have to take care of things that are going... | ||
| Your fucking roof has a hole in it. | ||
| Guess what, bitch? | ||
| You got a problem. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what you tell me. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| You got to get that shit fixed. | ||
| Not just being aware of it actually makes the problem worse if you're doing nothing. | ||
| Well, I will meditate under the dripping water. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Go get that shit fixed. | ||
| You're ruining your house, dummy. | ||
| You got a problem! | ||
| Face it, Deep Rock. | ||
| You're talking nonsense, goddammit. | ||
| That's the problem I have with all these dudes. | ||
| They talk a lot of hippie nonsense. | ||
| They say a lot of shit that they think that women who just hit menopause want to hear. | ||
| When they really start getting into yoga and just try to find the light and try to find happiness and get into flowers, raising flowers, that's when he comes in. | ||
| A guy like that can just swoop in on that I want to be happy market and just start... | ||
| Ping-ponging it back and forth with all these nonsense sentences. | ||
| When you reach pure awareness, you'll have no problems. | ||
| Bitch, stop with that. | ||
| Unfollow that guy. | ||
| No, I will not. | ||
| I want to hear more craziness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| This is a really funny moment on YouTube where he got some guy who was writing a physics book with Stephen Hawking's. | ||
| Like, was correcting the things he was saying. | ||
| The guy was like, you're saying things that don't make sense to me. | ||
| What, they were correcting Stephen Hawking's? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| The guy who was writing a book with Stephen Hawking. | ||
| Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Deepak Chopra was trying to explain something to him, like, quantum this and quantum that. | ||
| And so the guy goes, yeah, I know what all those words mean, but I'm not quite sure what you're saying. | ||
| Because he's not really saying anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just fucking man, the infinite, the impossible, the consciousness of the quantum consciousness. | |
| He can just say things like that, and you just leave it up to what? | ||
| Well, I guess in some sort of a broad sense, he might have made a sentence there. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And there might be some point that he has that I can't quite grasp. | ||
| But much more likely, it's word salad that's designed to sound spiritual. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| He threw a bunch of cool words together, and this guy called him on it. | ||
| This guy was like, it was so brilliant the way the guy said it. | ||
| Yeah, I know what all those words mean. | ||
| I'm not making that up the way that guy talks. | ||
| You guys don't know who he is? | ||
| I know who he is. | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| He was killed by Tupac. | ||
| By Biggie. | ||
| Biggie, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Biggie killed him. | ||
| Biggie killed him. | ||
| Why'd I go to work better if I didn't say Tupac? | ||
| Completely. | ||
| It was Suge Knight anyway. | ||
| Both of them, supposedly. | ||
| Hey, can I plug my gig tonight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Because it's going to happen in two hours. | ||
| I'm at the Canyon Club in... | ||
| Agora Hills. | ||
| Agora Hills. | ||
| So come on down. | ||
| Starts in two hours. | ||
| It's a great place, too. | ||
| Go to the barbecue place first. | ||
| What time is the show there? | ||
| It's almost 7. I think it's like... | ||
| Is it an 8 o'clock start, is it? | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| The show starts when you get there, son. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| There's one of my favorite comics in the UK, Canadian comic, Tom Stade. | ||
| Check him out. | ||
| Really, really fucking funny guy. | ||
| He's opening for you? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He's just a guy who still lives in Britain. | ||
| But he once said that he was... | ||
| I remember when I was a young comic and I was in a car with him and we were going to a gig and I said, Fuck, we're not going to make it. | ||
| We're late, we're late, we're late for the gig. | ||
| And he went, We are the gig. | ||
| And that stuck with me. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it's up. | ||
| Yeah, I've been in many times where we were really close to being late for shows. | ||
| Ari in particular would get very nervous. | ||
| Duncan would have to open. | ||
| Fuck, man! | ||
| Just drop me off in front. | ||
| Don't even park! | ||
| I'm like, dude, it's 8.05. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| So the show's five minutes late. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| If they're really mad, the audience is going to be mad. | ||
| What kind of asshole would be upset at a show starting five minutes late? | ||
| I tell you what, I went and saw Billy Joel in concert, which is how all good stories start. | ||
| I went and saw Billy Joel in concert in Sheffield in the north of England. | ||
| I was in the third row. | ||
| I got the tickets rather late, but I don't think he's popular in Sheffield. | ||
| Anyway, so this woman looks at her watch in front. | ||
| She's sitting next to her husband and she's just got the shits, right? | ||
| It's like 10 past 8. The show's meant to start at 8. Right. | ||
| And she went, this is fucking bullshit, right? | ||
| And the husband's gone, don't worry, it'll be fine. | ||
| And she said, no, we got here on time. | ||
| He should get here on time as well. | ||
| And I thought, oh, maybe they're missing a friend. | ||
| She goes over and speaks to the security guy going, when's this going to start? | ||
| It's 10 past 8, 10 minutes late. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the security guy's just like, fuck off. | |
| Because he doesn't care, you know what I mean? | ||
| And then Billy Joel comes out, 15 minutes late probably, which is normal time. | ||
| And Billy Joel comes out, and then the whole audience stands up, and she just sits there and yells out, I paid for a seat! | ||
| And then that husband was just dragged away. | ||
| And I still think to this day, that's the biggest cunt I've ever seen. | ||
| And I've only seen about five sentences before. | ||
| I felt like grabbing that guy going, just get out of this. | ||
| Leave. | ||
| Run. | ||
| You don't need this woman anymore. | ||
| She's horrible. | ||
| That's the worst you've ever seen? | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was that bad? | ||
| In just a short amount of time where I thought, this person's just evil to the core. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Intolerable. | |
| Yeah, intolerable. | ||
| Some people don't even realize how intolerable they are, but I would think that after shows, you see a lot of those, right? | ||
| Yeah, you do photos after gigs, do you? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you ever get that person who just wants to, like, headlock you or something? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| A guy asks me if he can carry me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I've had that one. | ||
| Can I hold you? | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| Guys are always asking to choke me. | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| Because a lot of jujitsu guys come to shows, like, can I get you in a rear naked? | ||
| But I don't trust anybody, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You can't just get my back like that, son. | ||
| No, I don't get that as much. | ||
| Dudes will ask all sorts of weird shit. | ||
| One guy asked me to bend over in front of him in Louisville. | ||
| He goes, will you bend over in front and I'll make it like I'm spanking you? | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, I'm going to be behind you. | ||
| You're going to bend over like I'm spanking you. | ||
| I go, do you really think that anybody would say yes to that? | ||
| Any person you don't know would say, yeah, go ahead. | ||
| I'll bend over like you're having sex with me? | ||
| Like that kind of bend over? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, please. | ||
| How many times have you taken a photo with a person after a gig? | ||
| I did the arm around and the smile and the point to the face maybe. | ||
| I got a few poses that I have down. | ||
| The serious one, the happy one, the good one. | ||
| How many times have you put your arm around a couple of girls And then one of them just grabs your cock, right? | ||
| It does happen. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They just grab your cock and like, as soon as the photo happens, it goes honk on it like that because they want to have the cool photo. | ||
| And you sort of go, huh, thanks. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Yeah, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, you're just like, yeah, thanks for that. | ||
| But imagine if a male act did that to a female act. | ||
| Just grab the tit. | ||
| Just... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It would be grab her pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It just went bang, finger, bang. | ||
| Grab a chit would be like grabbing a guy's ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That would be the same, would it? | ||
| Yeah, no, no. | ||
| Grabbing a girl's ass is like grabbing a guy's ass. | ||
| Yeah, I think if a girl grabs my dick, I'll automatically just start fingering her pussy. | ||
| Well, I always think that a guy grabbing a girl's ass... | ||
| The women that have this confidence are normally like a big Jersey chick with like... | ||
| You know, these aren't... | ||
| You know, where you're like, ooh. | ||
| I always feel that grabbing a girl's ass is way worse than a girl grabbing a guy's ass because it's not like she can rape you. | ||
| A guy grabbing a girl's ass is a physical thing. | ||
| I'm not a good fighter. | ||
| You're a good fighter. | ||
| You think a lot of girls can rape you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Plenty. | ||
| Plenty. | ||
| Tons. | ||
| It's happened several times. | ||
| I almost got raped last night, actually. | ||
| How dare you, brother? | ||
| No, I swear to God. | ||
| Stop lying. | ||
| There was this girl at the Comedy Store. | ||
| There's tons of witnesses of this. | ||
| She comes up to me, and she's talking to me, and she goes, oh, you're a bartender, too? | ||
| And I'm like, no, I'm not a bartender. | ||
| We did a shot, though. | ||
| And then she just fucking comes in and tries to kiss me. | ||
| And I'm like, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? | ||
| And she's like, I just got out of rehab three days ago. | ||
| I'm not supposed to be drinking right now. | ||
| I was raped when I was a kid. | ||
| And just started going off on like a million things. | ||
| And then I'm like, whoa. | ||
| So you're hooked. | ||
| So three days out of rehab, she's already drunk again. | ||
| Is she in your favorites yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| I hid. | ||
| I was like, I have to go to the bathroom, and I ran in the main room. | ||
| I'm still creeped out by his American voice. | ||
| That's all I was thinking. | ||
| Why don't you do it again? | ||
| I was like, this story's not going to have any punchline. | ||
| You're not going to pay this off. | ||
| She's not going to rape you. | ||
| She didn't rape you, man. | ||
| She didn't rape you at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| She tried to, though. | ||
| All she did was give you a kiss. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| The whole time she was trying to grab you. | ||
| You do know what sex is and rape is, right? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Yeah, it's more than kissing. | ||
| Well, I mean, not rape. | ||
| She's not trying to throw me on the ground and rape me. | ||
| But there's definitely a difference between, like... | ||
| Oh, rape? | ||
| I'm not saying real rape. | ||
| Diet rape? | ||
| I just think it's way creepier when a dude grabs a girl's ass. | ||
| It's physical. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| No, of course there is a certain... | ||
| And you can't do anything about it. | ||
| And if I wanted to rape you, I probably could get away with it if there was nobody around. | ||
| That's what a guy's saying when he grabs a girl. | ||
| I'm trying to think through my mind if I've ever, like, pinched a girl that I haven't known quite well's ass as they walk by. | ||
| If you're a person and you're, you know, you're, like, you don't even know this other person and you just reach over and grab... | ||
| A girl's ass and squeeze it like that. | ||
| That's like a big violation. | ||
| That's like a big violation of space, man. | ||
| Imagine that was your sister or your daughter. | ||
| Imagine if you watched someone do that to your daughter. | ||
| Reach over and grab your daughter's ass. | ||
| That's what a nasty fucking violation that is. | ||
| And you know, you don't think about it because to you it's not a guy's daughter, it's some hot 20 year old, but meanwhile behind her is her fucking dad and you reach over and grab her ass. | ||
| That shit happens. | ||
| That's a creepy moment for people, man. | ||
| When you realize what it is when somebody just reaches over and grabs you when you don't know them. | ||
| I don't have a daughter, so right now it's kind of hot. | ||
| If I imagine my sister or my daughter being really hot and some guy just grabbing it slowly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's kind of hot. | |
| I'll tell you what, I don't have a child either, so you can imagine grabbing my daughter's ass. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Just whatever she wants to make it look like, I'm fine. | ||
| As long as it's imaginary, Brian. | ||
| My daughter, if you want. | ||
| What we have is my daughter and your daughter, right, they're making out. | ||
| They're making out now. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's hot. | ||
| You guys are going to get us closed down twice in one day. | ||
| Hey, your daughters are making out. | ||
| Anti-government talk, pedophilia. | ||
| My daughter has a touch of the accent, but not quite because she lived here, but we take her on holidays. | ||
| My daughter has a yeast infection. | ||
| She has a yeast infection. | ||
| I don't want your daughter near my daughter. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| We're going to lose sponsors. | ||
| We're going to lose viewers. | ||
| People are going to quit suicide. | ||
| You guys are having your artificial, fake, fictional daughters engage in immoral and illegal things. | ||
| My daughter's upset now and she's cutting herself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a cutter. | |
| She's a cutter. | ||
| I can't have that on my podcast. | ||
| She's a cutter. | ||
| She's not happy. | ||
| When did that start? | ||
| When did cutting start? | ||
| I think it's been around for a while, but it's always when you meet that girl where you look at the forearms and you're like, you know she's going to be good in bed, but you're... | ||
| I had a buddy who found these marks on a girl after he had dated her for a while, and then he saw one of her arms was sliced up, and he goes, it was a window into madness. | ||
| He said, all of a sudden, I just went... | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| And he goes, and then I realized, what the fuck? | ||
| And they were like lions, man. | ||
| I can't believe I hadn't noticed them before. | ||
| And he goes, and all of a sudden I was like, holy shit. | ||
| I went out with a girl, long sleeves, long sleeves, long sleeves, and then after a few weeks, and then I saw it. | ||
| Because every time sex was in, you had to be in the light light to see it. | ||
| And it was just these little, like thousands of these little white marks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Doesn't Lindsay Lohan allegedly do that? | ||
| I had a friend who did it. | ||
| She told me about it. | ||
| She explained it to me as, you're depressed, you blame yourself, and everyone's telling you that you shouldn't blame yourself. | ||
| You're just sad. | ||
| Why do you hate yourself? | ||
| And you can never answer that question. | ||
| But if you cut yourself, you're like, that's why I hate myself, because I'm a fuck-up. | ||
| Who would do that to themselves? | ||
| I should hate myself, I've just cut myself. | ||
| It gives them the excuse to... | ||
| It's so amazing to me that we spend so much time worrying about shit that's going on overseas in these other countries and so little time worrying about how many people are just getting raised in some crazy fucked up way. | ||
| How many people are completely unqualified to be having children? | ||
| How many children are suffering under the guidance and parental leadership of these fuckheads? | ||
| Like, someone... | ||
| We should invest something or something It's probably got to be done by everybody all at once together. | ||
| There's no way the government could fix the problem of stupidity and craziness and abuse in this country. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| But at least make some sort of effort to slow it down. | ||
| Children... | ||
| It's almost always something fucked up happens to children and then they start doing shit like cutting themselves or a lot of... | ||
| Other disturbing shit. | ||
| A lot of it is related to sexual abuse. | ||
| The guy from Hoarders said whenever shit's involved, if he goes to a house and people are storing their shit or shitting in diapers and leaving them piled up, it's always sexual abuse. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Crazy, man. | ||
| We gotta fix that! | ||
| There's gotta be a way to fix the human. | ||
| Just fix the animals. | ||
| Trying not to fuck kids is really the best way, isn't it? | ||
| The best way is you've got to... | ||
| Making kids ugly? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Start that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bad haircuts and horrible clothing. | |
| We've got to figure out a way to filter every human being through some sort of analysis. | ||
| Something that lets you know how fucked up they are and why. | ||
| If we could ever measure with a machine, psychological fucked up-edness. | ||
| If there's a machine, you could talk all the shit you want, but I'm going to send you through a machine and the machine comes out like, oh, no, no, no. | ||
| This guy's fucking crazy. | ||
| That would be bad, because then the government would use that machine, and so even though this guy's talking radically, logically and normally, we know in the back of his head that he's a suicide bomber. | ||
| They would cheat with the machine. | ||
| Yeah, they would cheat. | ||
| Just like the voting machines, the fucks. | ||
| I've just bought a home and going through the mortgage process I found to be very stressful. | ||
| The only reason why I mention this is because of the terrorist thing. | ||
| They asked to see, they sat me down because I'm not a citizen, right? | ||
| So they asked to see what all my checks were deposited, my big money checks that had gone in there, what were they and why did I get these checks, right? | ||
| To see if I was a terrorist. | ||
| First of all, I had to be an idiot. | ||
| But they were all like the Chuckle Hut. | ||
| Bananas. | ||
| Like, it was all comedy related. | ||
| And I was going, that one's comedy as well. | ||
| That one's also comedy. | ||
| Yes? | ||
| No, that one's comedy. | ||
| Who's Caroline? | ||
| She's comedy as well. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I don't know if Americans have to do that, but I was asked whether it was to fund terrorist stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| What's the point? | ||
| I'd have to be the biggest fucking idiot terrorist in the world to go, comedy club, comedy club, comedy club. | ||
| Now that one, our creator. | ||
| That one is. | ||
| That one's a bad one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right? | |
| Like it's all comedy clubs and sometimes training in the mountains of Turkey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever see those training videos where the dudes are running with, like, fucking the rifles over their heads? | ||
| They have, like, the traditional Afghani outfits on? | ||
| It's really fascinating, man. | ||
| Fascinating, those training footages, the terrorist training footages. | ||
| Like, you bitches are out of shape. | ||
| Like, look at you. | ||
| What kind of fucking killer? | ||
| Oh, no, it is like a little league team trying to play the Yankees. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| We're getting ready. | ||
| We have got your bats now. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| With our homemade ball. | ||
| We do not have a ball, so we have got rubber bands and tape, and we have got the tape over and over, and it's covered in some yuck. | ||
| One of the big UFC fighters got popped for steroids this week. | ||
| Not steroids, but he tested Alistair Overeem, tested his testosterone to estrogen was 14 to 1. Wow. | ||
| Yeah, which is like normal. | ||
| A normal person is 1 to 1. And they allow four to one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And Nevada allows six to one because that used to be the standard until recently. | ||
| So he shouldn't... | ||
| Had all of his hair fallen out and stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, dude. | |
| But he looks like a goddamn superhero. | ||
| He looks like a superhero in a movie. | ||
| Alistair Overeem is not gay. | ||
| I'm not gay or anything. | ||
| But... | ||
| You're not gay or anything? | ||
| You're not anything. | ||
| When I'm talking about a man, it's anything right now. | ||
| There's nothing sexual about what I'm saying. | ||
| But he's absolutely the most unrealistically built human I've ever seen. | ||
| Like, if you see him... | ||
| Yeah, but the perfect size. | ||
| The guy, he's smaller than Lou Ferrigno, but ridiculously big. | ||
| You see him, you're like, what? | ||
| They call him Uberim. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ridiculous build. | |
| But he used to fight at 205. He used to be a much smaller, much skinnier guy, and he packed out all this weight. | ||
| And so they don't know what caused this guy to test so high, but it's most likely that he was supplementing his body's natural hormones. | ||
| I thought most of them were probably on some type of injection. | ||
| I would wonder what the real numbers are, man. | ||
| I would wonder. | ||
| But they're doing things like this now, and they're going to find out. | ||
| They're going to catch a lot of people because what they're doing is they're doing it randomly. | ||
| Like, they show up for a press conference, no one told them they were going to be drug tested, and boom! | ||
| All of a sudden, the Nevada State Athletic Commission is, you know, taking samples from them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So they didn't have a chance to prepare for it. | ||
| In the past, what they would do is they would try to cycle off of it, but some people didn't. | ||
| And the people that didn't fucked it up for everybody else, because then people started testing positive, and then people started, like, they started overturning. | ||
| A few fights have been overturned because of it. | ||
| That should be a reality show. | ||
| Dana should make that, like, you know... | ||
| Where they just jump in like, alright, we're going to test you now. | ||
| That's a terrible idea. | ||
| That's a terrible idea. | ||
| I don't want to see that. | ||
| I think they're going to have to figure out how many people are actually doing this stuff. | ||
| I know for sure people have been caught. | ||
| So for sure people are doing it. | ||
| The estimations vary. | ||
| Some people say half. | ||
| Some people say almost all are doing something. | ||
| Some people say it's a small percentage. | ||
| You would have to go fight camp to fight camp and get guys on some sort of an anonymous poll where they were honest with you but knew that they weren't going to get in trouble for it. | ||
| Even then, I don't think people would be smart to tell the truth. | ||
| There's a long-standing tradition in almost every professional sport where people take things that make them better. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| And it's because they want to get better at that sport and their body just can't keep up the work pace. | ||
| Can't keep up the workload. | ||
| Can a guy get as big as Mark McGuire got without steroids? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| But that motherfucker better be eating ham sandwiches every 15 minutes and doing squats and deadlifts and he's not going to have a lot of time for baseball. | ||
| That's a goddamn power lifter physique. | ||
| And he got it by just bang! | ||
| Just slamming that needle in and pumping in that fucking Superman juice and... | ||
| And that's the way you get good at baseball. | ||
| And that bat felt like nothing to him. | ||
| He got up. | ||
| That guy was fucking massive when he was the home run king. | ||
| When it was him and Sammy Sosa were doing back and forth. | ||
| Both of them looked like fucking superheroes, man. | ||
| Just giant muscles. | ||
| And they would go up and PINK! And these fucking balls would go flying through the air into parking lots and shit. | ||
| And everybody loved it, but they didn't love how they did it. | ||
| And it's crazy that Mark McGuire is the only one who really kind of got off the hook about it. | ||
| He admitted it to get a coaching job after he retired, but he had shrunk down to a normal-sized person. | ||
| You look at Barry Bonds now. | ||
| He looks like at the beginning of his career. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he slimmed down. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He just... | ||
| Well, you know, he was probably doing a lot of crazy shit in order to get better as he got older. | ||
| When you're in your 40s and you're just smashing balls or like Roger Clemens was just throwing crazy heat, he got better. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird how you can dip. | ||
| It starts to show the signs of age and then you just charge right back up. | ||
| And everybody's like, well, that's terrible. | ||
| He's cheating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's cheating. | |
| But I'm like, God damn it, look how crazy it is though that there's something that you can take that makes you better at sports. | ||
| And isn't like being better at sports, isn't being more athletic, isn't being more vibrant a sign of being healthy? | ||
| So shouldn't we be looking at this guy and go, isn't it amazing that modern science has allowed Barry Bonds to actually get better as he gets older? | ||
| And maybe allow him to take a little bit of this and a little bit of that as long as he's not getting too crazy. | ||
| Because look, without that, he was a very good baseball player anyway. | ||
| But with that, Jesus fucking Christ, did shit get fun at the ballpark? | ||
| And you look at Barry, he seems fine, you know? | ||
| I mean, no one's stepping in to stop, you know, Ralphie Mae from eating too much. | ||
| There's no one from the government that's stepping in in the name of comedy and stopping him from eating too much. | ||
| Is steroids a personal choice? | ||
| But is that making you better at comedy, though? | ||
| Is it a personal choice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's roid rage. | |
| Roid rage is real. | ||
| My analogy was a terrible analogy. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| It didn't make sense. | ||
| But what I was trying to say was that... | ||
| I guess it does make him way better at the sport. | ||
| But, I mean, why wouldn't something that makes you better at a sport be legal? | ||
| Shouldn't it be, like, used properly? | ||
| It seems to me that there's a lot of people that as they get older... | ||
| Isn't there arguments that it gives you cancer or whatever? | ||
| But everything does. | ||
| What the fuck doesn't give you cancer? | ||
| They can say anything gives you cancer at this point. | ||
| You know, I think a lot of people think cell phones, but there's no cases of it. | ||
| I don't think there's anybody who's ever... | ||
| Brain tumor from a cell phone. | ||
| Have you heard that? | ||
| There's people who claim they did. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Have there? | ||
| There's people who've gotten brain tumors, but they're not doctors who are saying this, but they've gone, oh, I think it's because... | ||
| There's so much toxic shit in a person's environment. | ||
| It's so possible if you're not careful with your diet and careful with your health. | ||
| You know, if you could be in the... | ||
| You could live someplace where you don't even realize it and the whole town's getting poisoned by some chemical leak or some shit. | ||
| That's happened a bunch of times. | ||
| That's real common. | ||
| It's very difficult out there, Jim Jefferies. | ||
| It is in this country. | ||
| It's very difficult. | ||
| More chemicals in the food. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Do you find that food tastes different here than in Australia? | ||
| No, I find it harder in this country to keep my weight off, because the chemicals on it, and eating sort of the same amount, I find... | ||
| What is it different? | ||
| What kind of shit do you have? | ||
| Well, I think most beef in Australia is just grass-fed. | ||
| That isn't just like... | ||
| Which is the best for you. | ||
| Yeah, that isn't just an option. | ||
| I think that's just what beef is in Australia. | ||
| And things like MSG is just illegal. | ||
| Well, it's not over here. | ||
| Trans fats are just... | ||
| It should be illegal. | ||
| It's just illegal. | ||
| It's so ridiculous that that's not illegal. | ||
| Well, guess what, boys? | ||
| So should cigarettes, and you're both smokers. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, cigarettes is... | ||
| You know, if neither one of you could be hooked on cigarettes, wouldn't you choose to not be hooked on cigarettes? | ||
| No, but the thing about MSG is different. | ||
| I actually have a little reaction I get to MSG. I feel a bit twitchy if I've eaten it. | ||
| I know I've eaten it. | ||
| So when I go into a Chinese restaurant now, I have to go, do you have MSG? And they lie to you sometimes. | ||
| And sometimes they lie to me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And how do you know? | ||
| I just feel a little bit on edge just afterwards. | ||
| Like my nerves are a bit, you know. | ||
| What's the official medical... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a very sort of, you know where you get that tingly feeling in your jaw? | ||
| Like that. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| That happens to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Monosodium glutamate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And all it is is a fucking tenderizer or whatever. | ||
| I thought it was like a flavor enhancer. | ||
| I think it makes meat softer and makes vegetables greener. | ||
| Huh, really? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It gives it colour and meets it. | ||
| Anyway, it's illegal in the restaurant. | ||
| Trans fats are illegal in the restaurant. | ||
| These are things you just don't fucking need and stuff. | ||
| We have a real problem in this country where the giant corporations have essentially completely bypassed the whole system of government and just controlled politicians. | ||
| I mean they just essentially just buy people out and that's what's been done in this country for the last Who knows? | ||
| The argument is forever. | ||
| But the point is, right now, the way things stand today, there's a lot of shit that's bad for you that's legal. | ||
| There's a lot of shit. | ||
| There's a lot of goddamn painkillers that are fucking terribly addictive and they're passing them out like cookies. | ||
| There's a lot of shit in this country that's fucked up. | ||
| It's a big mess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking fix this, you know? | ||
| What would you do, Jim Jeffries, as an outsider? | ||
| What would I do? | ||
| What, to fix America? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'd bring in healthcare. | ||
| I'm a big believer in healthcare. | ||
| Healthcare would do it? | ||
| Healthcare, I believe, is essential in a modern society. | ||
| I can't listen to anyone. | ||
| I've lived in Britain where the healthcare's good, and I've lived in Australia where the healthcare's great. | ||
| And the arguments that sort of in Republican and on talk like radio where they go, I won't have as good healthcare and what about my great healthcare I have now and then I'll have... | ||
| You can still get private healthcare cover. | ||
| This is what people don't get. | ||
| You can still get the good private stuff. | ||
| But you won't... | ||
| You won't have an ailment and not treat it. | ||
| Yeah, you'll never know the price of one of your ailments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's the whole thing. | ||
| Never know the price. | ||
| So at the moment, I got a couple of moles cut out of my back because I had some cancerous moles in my back cut out, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| The doctor I was with the dermatologist was like, it's $1,400 to do this. | ||
| And I was thinking, that can't fucking be $1,400 to do, right? | ||
| So I went and checked with another dermatologist and they said $500. | ||
| Now, if I just had... | ||
| What happens with private healthcare cover in Britain? | ||
| Everyone gets the same doctors, but if you're just using public healthcare, you put on a waiting list. | ||
| So they might look at your mole and go, alright, you're two months before you can get that cut out. | ||
| Where if you have the private stuff on top, you go straight to the beginning of the list. | ||
| But I never know how much I'm paying or how much they're charging or whatever. | ||
| So it's regulated a lot better. | ||
| Over here, it feels like getting quotes from fucking mechanics. | ||
| Yeah, it's totally like that. | ||
| Especially dentists out here are the worst. | ||
| Like, dentists almost are trying to upgrade you with certain things that you pretty much don't need. | ||
| Yeah, going, oh, you think you need a filling here because there weren't a few. | ||
| It's fucking bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, my dad's trying to give me Invisalign. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mine was trying to give me... | ||
| I got a little bit of crooked teeth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| My bottom, a couple of them are crooked. | ||
| Like, fuck out of here, bitch. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| Oh, it's like invisible braces? | ||
| Yeah, little braces. | ||
| Dude, if you're going to get braces, you better get just regular braces. | ||
| You know, some dudes got braces and it helped them a lot. | ||
| Like, Frank Shamrock got braces, but his teeth were fucked up. | ||
| My teeth are not that fucked up. | ||
| Remember when, like, Tom Cruise did it, like, a few years ago, like, five years ago? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was all as long as his teeth before. | ||
| I don't remember ever looking at his teeth like, oh, Tom's fucked. | ||
| I don't know, he's probably crazy. | ||
| If you're that famous, he must be completely out of your fucking mind. | ||
| How do you beat Tom Cruise? | ||
| That guy can't go anywhere in the world without someone knowing who he is. | ||
| And yet, he's in a crazy cult organization, and yet there's rumors of him being gay. | ||
| I mean, you want to talk about a dark circle of secrets. | ||
| If Tom Cruise really is gay, that would be the ultimate reality show. | ||
| And it's a rumor that people just never shut up. | ||
| And I will say, even people... | ||
| In the industry? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I've heard it from so many people that... | ||
| I've heard people say that they thought he was out. | ||
| Him and Travolta. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Especially Travolta. | ||
| Travolta, I think, is. | ||
| They caught him with a photo of him kissing a guy. | ||
| A photo of him kissing a guy getting on his plane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was the nanny. | ||
| And he was like, come on, man. | ||
| You know, I mean, maybe this is just weird like that. | ||
| He could just be... | ||
| But there's a lot of people that say they've had sex with him. | ||
| And he's just, whatever, man. | ||
| Let the guy be gay. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't give a shit if he was gay. | ||
| I would be happier for the guy if he would just come out. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| It's goddamn John Travolta. | ||
| People love him. | ||
| They love him from Saturday Night Fever. | ||
| They love him from Pulp Fiction. | ||
| We personally know, of course we're not going to say, but we personally know comedians who are gay who keep it under wraps as well. | ||
| It's the saddest shit ever, isn't it? | ||
| And I always think comics especially, we're meant to be the most honest of them all. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, we're not playing characters, we're playing ourselves. | ||
| I feel like, and there's some of them where... | ||
| Like Eddie F's. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm going to say something. | ||
| You tell me if you agree. | ||
| I find that the ones that keep it in the closet, they always have a problem with creativity. | ||
| They always have a problem with coming up with new material. | ||
| Because they're not really alive in their own life, like free and open. | ||
| They're not unrestricted. | ||
| So it's more difficult for them to come up with material. | ||
| Especially because they can't draw on real life experiences, the gay stuff. | ||
| So they're really in this weird pocket of bullshit. | ||
| Well, there's the ones that are gay that you're not even allowed to say it to them, and then there's the ones that, amongst the comedy community, we can all say the person's gay. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But, you know, there's a fairly famous older black gentleman who we all know, and he gets angry if you... | ||
| Oh, yeah, he'll get very mad. | ||
| Yeah, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's old school. | ||
| He'll fight you. | ||
| Yeah, he'll fight you on it. | ||
| There's more than one of those, by the way. | ||
| There's more than one of those. | ||
| I could have been talking about either one of them. | ||
| I think it might be harder in the black community, and that might be very ignorant of me to say that, but I think it might be harder in the black community of that generation. | ||
| I'd be willing to guess yes. | ||
| I don't know, though. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, but I think... | ||
| If I had a time machine, I don't think I'd go back in time to the black community of that generation. | ||
| I never remember an episode of Good Times where they went, oh, here's Kay Barry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dynamite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right? | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| I don't know, maybe. | ||
| It would suck though. | ||
| Dom Herrera is so fucking funny. | ||
| He said, I wish I was gay just so I could come out. | ||
| But he really is that guy. | ||
| He does not give a fuck. | ||
| Like, he's not pretending to not give a fuck. | ||
| He really doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| So when he says something, I wish I was gay just so I could come out. | ||
| It's like extra funny. | ||
| It is like an extra little treat they get in life. | ||
| Yeah, coming out. | ||
| Yeah, and have everybody embrace you. | ||
| We love you for your personality. | ||
| Yeah, I'd love to have people ring me up one day and go, I still love you. | ||
| Just for no reason. | ||
| People who haven't said they love me ever just to say they still love me once, that would be fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I think in the people that you lose if you're a gay guy and you come out of the closet, do you really want that guy in your life? | ||
| No, you don't want them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But see, then you get the dumb one. | ||
| Say you lose a granddad, but then a few years later he's like, you know what? | ||
| I want to be back in your life again. | ||
| And then you get another little present. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On top! | |
| If you're granddad, but then what if he just talks about it while you're fishing? | ||
| How many jokes you suck last week? | ||
| Tell your grandpa. | ||
| You fucking freak. | ||
| You can't just be with a girl. | ||
| Is it really that bad? | ||
| Girls are pretty. | ||
| All of a sudden you're stuck on a boat with an angry grandpa. | ||
| He has a remarkable truth to that. | ||
| Girls are very pretty. | ||
| He is right. | ||
| A lot of them are. | ||
| That's the confusing thing about homosexuality. | ||
| What are they thinking? | ||
| Well, the confusing thing about heterosexuality... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will fight for their right to think that way, but I'll never understand it. | |
| The confusing thing about heterosexuality is what the fuck do the girls see in us? | ||
| I don't understand why anyone's fucking men. | ||
| On either side. | ||
| No one should be fucking men. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't look like fun to me. | ||
| Especially when you get into weird shit that you'll never understand. | ||
| Like, girls will want to be choked. | ||
| Like, can you even relate to that? | ||
| We had a contortionist last night on the Naughty Show, and she can, like, put her leg up here, and she likes to be choked while fucking, like... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| She likes to triangle herself. | ||
| Yeah, triangle herself. | ||
| She puts her leg over her shoulders? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does she lock it up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| She triangles herself. | ||
| Well, that's good because then... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because you ever choked a girl and then you got that bit where their eyes are just rolled back a bit and you got to... | ||
| I'm trying to think if I could triangle myself. | ||
| I don't think you could. | ||
| You gotta see it, man. | ||
| I'm pretty flexible. | ||
| She bent her legs up and put it behind her back. | ||
| Even though you're flexible, I don't think your legs are long enough. | ||
| Too much. | ||
| A girl's leg is longer than a male's leg, proportionally. | ||
| Well, not only that, there's also the body's thinner, so you can compress it more. | ||
| You know, when you've got body mass, it makes it more difficult to flatten out. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But you'd have to be in some serious, flexible. | ||
| So she chokes herself, and then what happens? | ||
| She was just showing us what her favorite thing... | ||
| While she's getting fucked? | ||
| She was telling you that? | ||
| Wow, that's a green light, son. | ||
| That girl wants to fuck. | ||
| Was anybody with her? | ||
| Dude, they're both. | ||
| They do burlesque here in Los Angeles. | ||
| And she was letting you know what position she likes to be in when she gets extremely violently fucked. | ||
| Somehow I came up to that, yeah. | ||
| Dude, you need to jump on that grenade. | ||
| Like a loyal soldier, you need to jump on that grenade. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| Help. | ||
| Someone. | ||
| Someone. | ||
| I think she has a boyfriend. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| What a good kid. | ||
| What a lucky fella. | ||
| That lad, he lucked out. | ||
| She's like this close. | ||
| She said she was this close from being able to eat her own pussy. | ||
| I've seen girls eat their own pussy. | ||
| I have seen a girl do that. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I've cut it out first to feed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Jeffries again! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Score! | |
| I told you about it. | ||
| I could touch the tip of my... | ||
| Guys, I have to piss so bad. | ||
| Please talk for me. | ||
| Well, actually, I've got to get going soon. | ||
| Should we wrap it up? | ||
| Let me piss and then we'll wrap it up. | ||
| I could touch the tip of my penis with my tongue. | ||
| With your tongue. | ||
| But once I do it, I'm like, this is the gayest thing I've ever... | ||
| It's ridiculous, isn't it? | ||
| It's like, why would I want to do that? | ||
| Yeah, I've never been able to do that, but I don't think I'd even... | ||
| I think you would do it once just to have the... | ||
| Yeah, it was like an elbow. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| It was like an elbow? | ||
| What, like, tastes like an elbow? | ||
| It just felt like an elbow, like, on your tongue. | ||
| I can't touch my elbow with my tongue. | ||
| Whose elbows have you been licking? | ||
| Well, I guess I can do it. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Almost. | |
| No, not the tip. | ||
| See, you can't lick your elbow. | ||
| I must have licked some other girls' elbows. | ||
| Yeah, I've probably nibbled on a couple of girls. | ||
| So the top of your cock tastes like a girl's elbow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| So you have your own podcast. | ||
| Now every time I lick a girl's elbow, I'm going to feel like I'm sucking a cock. | ||
| You have your own podcast with Eddie Iff called Talking Shit on iTunes. | ||
| Now, Eddie's always asking me. | ||
| Eddie's always telling me about how iTunes is always taking down your shit. | ||
| Did they stop? | ||
| Did they back off? | ||
| At the moment we're on, but we never get on New or Noteworthy or anything like that. | ||
| We never get into the little thing, but that's okay. | ||
| Have you ever thought about just changing the name? | ||
| Eddie's very attached to it. | ||
| You know, I'm not too bothered. | ||
| By what? | ||
| By changing the name of the podcast because iTunes took us down a couple of times. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What would you call it? | ||
| Well, at the moment, it's still talking shit, but we just moved the S over to talking, so it's talking's hit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I used to do that with Pepsi Space when I did the Pepsi Space project. | ||
| Oh, talking's hit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's not bad. | ||
| That's actually good. | ||
| Yeah, talking's hit. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Leave it there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everybody knows what the fuck it says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| It's weird, isn't it? | ||
| Can't have shit on iTunes, really? | ||
| But what could be in the podcast? | ||
| Anything. | ||
| You could offend someone to see the word shit. | ||
| You know, what kind of clientele are you dealing with? | ||
| Well, it's in that Marc Maron has WTF. Everyone knows what that means. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, as long as it's abbreviated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I always find how insulting it is when you get the swear word that's made out of question marks and at symbols. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what gets me? | ||
| Freaking. | ||
| This freaking guy pulls this freaking car, and someone can do that in front of kids, they can do that in front of old people. | ||
| You could say freaking in front of anybody. | ||
| I've seen... | ||
| It's just a lot of kids translating. | ||
| Well, it's silly. | ||
| Freaking is silly. | ||
| You're saying fucking. | ||
| You're saying fucking. | ||
| This fucking guy cut me off. | ||
| You're saying that. | ||
| But you're saying it to me in this weird, reserved way, by saying freaking. | ||
| The Irish have a word called feck. | ||
| Feck. | ||
| F-E-C-K? You fecking idiot. | ||
| You fecking fecking feck. | ||
| Feck, feck, feck, feck. | ||
| You know, they had on CNN, they said, fucking, over and over and over again. | ||
| Because they're playing back this tape from that Zimmerman guy. | ||
| The 911 call, the guy who supposedly, well, he did kill that Trayvon Martin kid. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Well, they were wondering whether or not he said, he was on, they recorded his phone call with the 911 guy. | ||
| They were wondering whether he said, fucking coon. | ||
| So they're playing over and over and over. | ||
| They bring in all these special enhancements, and at the end, they believe he was saying, fucking cold, because it was raining and cold that day in Florida. | ||
| But the minute they spent 15 minutes playing this back and forth, talking about it, and Wolf Blitzer saying, so now, ladies and gentlemen, if you have kids, please, I'd like you to ask them to leave the room right now. | ||
| You're going to hear some very strong language. | ||
| We have brought in a voice expert who has analyzed Mr. Zimmerman's tone, and he plays it back, fucking coons, fucking coons, fucking coons, and then they have brought in a new guy. | ||
| It's really kind of fucked up that they did this this way, because then they brought in like a new recording, and they said, well, now in this new recording, Yeah, you hear the guy say fucking cold soul you already had that information but you played all this other shit where it said fucking coon fucking coon you knew that's not what he said | ||
| you drew people in and kept me listening tricking me with your old information You played back your old information to rope people and you fucking... | ||
| Whoever did that is dirty. | ||
| That's a dirty move. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| Because I was hearing that guy. | ||
| My opinion changed of him. | ||
| As I was driving, my opinion changed. | ||
| I'm hearing fucking coon. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, he's calling fucking coon? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, wow, this motherfucker's on phone? | ||
| He's on 911 and he's calling this kid a fucking coon. | ||
| This is what they had me believing. | ||
| And then I'm like, wow, that guy was probably a piece of shit. | ||
| And then I hear him, fucking cold. | ||
| I'm like, oh, he's kind of a bitch. | ||
| Kind of a whiner. | ||
| Which makes sense in the first place. | ||
| Even if his story is true. | ||
| If the 17-year-old kid's on top of him beating him up. | ||
| I also have to urinate. | ||
| Dude, let's get this fucking thing over with. | ||
| If you look for Jim on Twitter, it's Jeff Uries. | ||
| Jeff Uries. | ||
|
unidentified
|
J-E-F-F-E-R-I-S. I fucked up and tweeted earlier. | |
| There's another guy who impersonates me on the other spelling. | ||
| Some fake-ass bitch. | ||
| There's a lot of them out there, folks. | ||
| Don't be one! | ||
| You have the power to control your life, right? | ||
| Yeah, you certainly do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You can give it a go. | ||
| Give it a go! | ||
| Check out their podcast. | ||
| Check out the Death Squad where we will be doing an Ice House Chronicles tomorrow night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tonight. | |
| Oh, tonight. | ||
| What's today? | ||
| Friday? | ||
| We're about to go right now. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| We're going to do another podcast. | ||
| Moments from now! | ||
| By the time you hear this, if you're in your car, it's already taking place. | ||
| The only way to hear it, though, is to go to Death Squad on iTunes and subscribe. | ||
| And there's a bunch of other podcasts in there. | ||
| All of them, at this point in time, all of them are funny. | ||
| Are you happy with all of them? | ||
| I'm really happy with some new ones. | ||
| We've got Dana D'Armon and Ryan Keighley. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know. | ||
| Muff Said's a comic book one. | ||
| And then last night we started Sex Squad back up with beautiful new host Dana D'Armon. | ||
| How are you going to do that? | ||
| Are the girls still calling it Sex Squad? | ||
| I don't care what she does. | ||
| Oh, come on, Brian. | ||
| You're confusing the shit out of people. | ||
| She's confusing the shit out of people. | ||
| I say you let them have that. | ||
| I say you be a bigger, better man. | ||
| It has the word squad in it. | ||
| It wasn't her show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but there's a lot of people who have sex squads. | |
| I didn't really want to talk about this, but let's talk about this real quick. | ||
| I go to somebody and go like, hey, I want to do a show on my podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a sex-based podcast, and I'm going to call it Sexcast. | |
| And then Jaden Cole goes, why don't you just call it Sex Squad? | ||
| And I'm like, okay, yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| And then I'm like, hey, do you want to come on the show? | ||
| And then do you want to come on the show with somebody else and somebody else? | ||
| And then they just kind of stop talking to me and be like, hey, we're taking a show. | ||
| Listen, I completely agree with you on that they should have said something to you and that's not cool for them to leave and take the name. | ||
| But all I'm saying is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let them. | |
| What do you care? | ||
| You can have another name. | ||
| They could take another name. | ||
| But why? | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I created a show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was co-host of the show. | |
| I paid for the show. | ||
| I did the show. | ||
| And it was not their show to begin with. | ||
| They were people on the show. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| But they wanted to go and do it on their own. | ||
| They should have changed the name. | ||
| But why wouldn't you just give it to them? | ||
| Because I don't give a fuck. | ||
| You know, I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, I would just say that, you know, the other girls... | |
| You're, like, pretty much telling me, like, right now, don't use that avatar on Facebook. | ||
| No, that's not what I'm saying, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, you are. | |
| I'm saying, look, you were going to do this show with them. | ||
| You're not going to do it anymore. | ||
| You're going to do another one. | ||
| And it was supposed to not be with them, 100%. | ||
| It was supposed to be other people on the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was them sometimes, and they kind of just took and squatted on the show. | |
| But didn't you only do it with them? | ||
| Yeah, but Ryan Keely and a couple other people were supposed to be on the show at points of time, but they kind of talked me out of it type stuff. | ||
| Okay, so they did talk you out of it though, and all the episodes they did were with just them. | ||
| No, one time they had Ari Shafir, but I was the host of the show. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm the one that first was like, hey, this is Brian coming here from Icehouse. | ||
| We're here again. | ||
| What's up, Jaden? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How are you doing today? | |
| But in all fairness, in all fairness, and I'm on your side for this, because first of all, you can't just take a guy's show if he's the host of it, and you're on it, and you tell him, and run somewhere else. | ||
| But... | ||
| Didn't that Jaden Cole guy, didn't she actually come up with a name? | ||
| I just told you exactly what happened. | ||
| I said I wanted to do a podcast. | ||
| It was called Sex Cast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she goes, you should call it Sex Squad because it's on the Death Squad podcast now. | |
| Yes, I heard that. | ||
| But that's her name then. | ||
| She invented it. | ||
| She could do whatever she fucking wants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm the one that fucking used it and paid for it and made a podcast with it. | |
| You're getting crazy. | ||
| Getting so angry. | ||
| Without a death, without me creating death, or me using death squad, her knowing death squad, would she have ever used the word squad? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So she could say that she took half of 50% of it from me. | ||
| But isn't there other sex squads online? | ||
| There's a fucking ton of sex squads. | ||
| I didn't create sex online. | ||
| Opie Den, Anthony, Noah, or whatever. | ||
| There's actually another company that makes sexual harassment videos for a fucking school. | ||
| So it's not even something that's original anyway. | ||
| I know, dude, but all I'm saying is, look, she shouldn't have taken it, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, you know what she should have taken it? | |
| I could fucking sit here and show you about 50 text messages that I got from Jade and James. | ||
| Wait, wait, I could do that? | ||
| But I didn't. | ||
| But you know what she did? | ||
| She went on her website, made blogs about it, fucking posted shit about it. | ||
| I could show the shit that she was saying. | ||
| Don't you kind of feel bad that that's her? | ||
| That that's what she's doing? | ||
| Don't you kind of feel bad? | ||
| Don't you feel bad about this whole situation? | ||
| I feel bad, but you know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They're not using the Sex Squad name. | ||
| They started the first Tuesday show. | ||
| They're calling it something like Sex Squid. | ||
| It's just spelled all funky. | ||
| No, it's Sex Squad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just spelled different. | |
| Let them do whatever the fuck they want. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| All I said is, why don't you please not use the word squad because it confuses a show that we already started with Sex Squad. | ||
| Let me just clarify one thing. | ||
| I don't ever like to get as worked up about a stupid name as you just did. | ||
| Well, I don't like to get bashed on somebody's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, if you got bashed on somebody's website, you'd get mad, wouldn't you? | |
| Listen, listen. | ||
| You're not getting bashed by a balanced person. | ||
| I certainly would. | ||
| But you could have avoided this conflict with her. | ||
| If she wants to do cuntish things and take that elsewhere, you tell her no. | ||
| Look, I thought Jaden Cole was a good friend of mine. | ||
| She didn't fucking say one word to me. | ||
| She didn't make one call. | ||
| They said that I didn't return phone calls and stuff. | ||
| They made shit up about me. | ||
| They can fucking eat a dick. | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| That's called fucking slander and I didn't even fucking do shit. | ||
| But listen to all these fuckers that are coming out of your mouth. | ||
| Don't even let them have that kind of power over you, man. | ||
| Just cut them loose. | ||
| Cut them loose in life. | ||
| Don't hate on them. | ||
| Anyways, the new podcast is great. | ||
| Okay, I'm glad. | ||
| We called another name. | ||
| The new Sex Squad? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| The new Sex Squad review? | ||
| It's Butt Sex Squad with Dana Tierran. | ||
| Dana and her giant butt. | ||
| Remember when you told us she has a giant butt? | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| Listen, man, I don't like seeing you get all worked up like that. | ||
| I don't like lies talking shit on me and slander. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| If they would have just came to me and been like, hey, can we do this podcast somewhere else? | ||
| I'd be like, you know what? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What do you like about the podcast? | ||
| Listen, let's end this shit. | ||
| Let's end this stupid shit. | ||
| Alright, folks. | ||
| Fucking goddamn show is over. | ||
| Jim Jefferies' show starts in about 10 minutes. | ||
| He's not even going to make it there on time. | ||
| We've kept him here late with some nonsense arguments. | ||
| You're both in the right. | ||
| Jim Jeffries, you're a powerful individual, a hilarious stand-up comic. | ||
| Thank you very much for being on the show. | ||
| Thank you so much for having me. | ||
| Thank you to the Fleshlight. | ||
| You know what to do. | ||
| Go to the Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, save yourself 15%. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I said it. | ||
| You heard it. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, and use the code name ROGAN to pick up your shroom tech, your alpha brain, your shroom tech immune, or your... | ||
| We've got a lot of shit coming out. | ||
| We've got kettlebells coming out, too, son. | ||
| See you, dirty freaks. | ||
| Use the code name ROGAN. Save 10%. | ||
| And we will see you guys next week. | ||
| Lots of fun shit. | ||
| Next week. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Lots of surprises. |
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