April 5, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:23:12
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| So glad you're here, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Right back at you. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| I'm fucking pumped. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 15%. | ||
| How's that, Don Marrera? | ||
| That's a good deal. | ||
| I have a fleshlight on me right now. | ||
| Do you have one? | ||
| Yes, I have a fleshlight that leads me to where I keep my fleshlights. | ||
| To a little case in my house. | ||
| I'll give you one before you leave. | ||
| I don't need it. | ||
| You don't need it? | ||
| I've got plenty of them. | ||
| Hey, I make a good living. | ||
| It's not like it's prohibitively expensive. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And I'm not shy. | ||
| You're not a shy guy. | ||
| If you wanted one, you would just buy it. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Joe was using that earlier. | ||
| No one used that. | ||
| We wouldn't do that to you. | ||
| He's done that to other people. | ||
| I would not allow him to do that to you. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Come on, Dom. | ||
| You know I love you. | ||
| I love you like I love air. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of AlphaBrain, the nootropic supplement. | ||
| If you're interested in any of this stuff, I suggest you checking out our website, onnit.com. | ||
| And B, just Google nootropics and read all the pros and cons on it. | ||
| Don't just go out there and buy something. | ||
| But if you're interested in our stuff, it's a full-spectrum nootropic. | ||
| It's all balanced out and explained online in as much technical and scientific detail as we can. | ||
| We're actually funding studies. | ||
| On this right now, and we're hoping that it's going to be done at Boston Universities. | ||
| If it's not, the other option, I think, was University of Australia. | ||
| One of the universities in Australia. | ||
| If that doesn't work, Columbus State. | ||
| We're going to find some... | ||
| We're going to find some Komodo Island dudes that are selling certificates. | ||
| We have a 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| This is the most important thing. | ||
| Yeah, but who wants to go through that? | ||
| You don't have to do anything. | ||
| You don't have to send it back. | ||
| To get the money back, it's not worth it. | ||
| Some people, it is. | ||
| First of all, what does the supplement do for you? | ||
| The supplement is a cognitive enhancing supplement, Don Marrera. | ||
| It makes your mind function a little bit better. | ||
| A little neural cup of coffee, if you will. | ||
| What were we just talking about? | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| Taco Bell has these Dorito tacos now. | ||
| It's the Shell's Doritos. | ||
| That's not what we're talking about. | ||
| We're talking about vitamins, you dirty bitch. | ||
| Vitamins and discounts. | ||
| And the fact that you can send it back and you get 100% of your money back. | ||
| Can you drink with them? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| It's a vitamin. | ||
| That's why I always ask a doctor whenever he gives me something. | ||
| There's certain nutrients that they've discovered that help Alzheimer's patients. | ||
| There's nutrients that help people after they've had some head trauma. | ||
| That was what Romanowski's stuff was based on. | ||
| I know you're a big football fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Bill Romanowski has his own very similar line of this kind of stuff. | ||
| He's got something called Neuro One, which I also like. | ||
| And maybe some people might like even better than Alphabrain because it's a drink. | ||
| You can just mix it up. | ||
| Some people don't like swallowing pills. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I take two alpha brains and I'm straight. | ||
| I like suppositories. | ||
| You like it up your ass? | ||
| Just for laughs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just for the giggles. | |
| Just for a story. | ||
| I like a sitz bath and a good suppositor. | ||
| I never did a suppositor. | ||
| But you know when I met Romanowski in Denver where the Broncos were training in Haley, Colorado? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they told me, I wanted to interview them to have this show called Offsides. | ||
| That was on Comedy Central? | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| And they said, you don't want to interview me, Bill. | ||
| And I said, no, I do. | ||
| So we go to lunch. | ||
| The whole place is filled. | ||
| There's a table for eight. | ||
| It's empty with just him sitting there. | ||
| That's how crazy he was. | ||
| Nobody wanted to eat lunch with him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But I've talked to him subsequently. | ||
| He sounds cool. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| The dude had a ton of concussions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A ton of concussions. | ||
| And that was the reason why he created this Neurowana. | ||
| I watched a whole interview with him about it. | ||
| Fascinating stuff. | ||
| You know, the guy realized that he was having problems, and he tried to counteract that with nutrients. | ||
| And so that's, I was taught this by, or first exposed to his stuff by No Name. | ||
| Remember Sarah in No Name? | ||
| He drank piss. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| I did too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For what? | |
| It's just a joke. | ||
| No, he didn't. | ||
| Just a great gag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he did. | |
| Sanford Pisco. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, I mean, I did it for a joke. | ||
| Who's Piss? | ||
| I drank my own. | ||
| I wasn't going to drink anybody else's. | ||
| Well, I thought maybe you're a dominatrix. | ||
| No. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Dom, you dirty boy. | ||
| Oh, I was bad last night. | ||
| Anyway, check out... | ||
|
unidentified
|
My glasses. | |
| Just a free plug for Mr. Romanowski because I enjoy his stuff. | ||
| Check out Neuro One. | ||
| If you want to check out our stuff... | ||
| Go to Onnit.com. | ||
| We have O-N-N-I-T. Not just Alpha Brain, which is something that I use every day. | ||
| And again, as I said, it's a 100% money-back guarantee on the first order. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| It's 30 pills. | ||
| You can't get a big, giant bottle. | ||
| And then you'd be like, stealing. | ||
| The 30 pills. | ||
| The first 30 pill bottle. | ||
| We want to make sure that no one feels ripped off. | ||
| I use this stuff. | ||
| I've used this stuff way before I was associated with Onnit. | ||
| I believe nootropics are an effective way to give yourself a little mental edge. | ||
| And I also believe in regular vitamins. | ||
| I tell people I drink kale shakes. | ||
| I try to do it every single day. | ||
| This big crazy mixture of greens. | ||
| I take all sorts of vitamins. | ||
| I take all sorts of antioxidants. | ||
| I try to drink as much kombucha as I can. | ||
| I take acidophilus. | ||
| I take a lot of healthy life cultures. | ||
| And I absolutely know for a fact, by my own personal experience, that that's enhanced my life. | ||
| This is the guy that just had a pastrami sandwich. | ||
| Yeah, I can put that shit away. | ||
| I put that shit away. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I'm going to do kettlebells in two hours. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I had toothpaste. | ||
| I have these giant iron cannonballs that I swing around. | ||
| I gotta show it to you. | ||
| You'll love it. | ||
| It's the craziest exercise ever. | ||
| It's this Russian strength training where you're swinging around these fucking giant cannonballs. | ||
| So every movement is a compound movement that requires your whole body to work as one unit. | ||
| So it transfers very well athletically, like to jiu-jitsu or to football or even if you're a good basketball player, it would transfer even to that. | ||
| Kettlebell is one of the best exercises I've ever used, ever. | ||
| It's a great way to work out. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| You can get done in 20 minutes. | ||
| You can just blow it out in 20 minutes, and then you're fucking wrecked for two days. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's such a good exercise. | ||
| I was hoping maybe we'd just shoot a little pool. | ||
| We could do that too, buddy. | ||
| We're going to do that for sure. | ||
| Anyway, back to the commercial. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| Go check out Alpha Brain. | ||
| Check out, there's Shroom Tech Sport, which is a cordyceps mushroom, B12, and a bunch of other stuff in there, supplement for endurance. | ||
| Cordyceps mushroom, it's actually a nutrient that people started eating at high altitudes to help them deal with the lack of oxygen. | ||
| And they believe that it helps endurance, especially when combined with B12. | ||
| People love it. | ||
| A lot of jiu-jitsu guys love the Shroom Tech Sport. | ||
| I get that all the time. | ||
| And Shroom Tech Immune is another one that's also a mushroom-based supplement that actually enhances your immune system. | ||
| So a fascinating concept, the way it works, being that it tricks your body into thinking it's like a cold. | ||
| So your body fires up its immune system for a fight that never takes place. | ||
| I chew cocoa leaves before I go into the Hollywood Hills. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| Because of the altitude. | ||
| Could you get those? | ||
| You know a guy? | ||
| Yeah, I know some guys. | ||
| I know some Bolivians. | ||
| You can't grow that shit here. | ||
| Can you grow it here if you have a greenhouse? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| You can grow anything if you have a greenhouse. | ||
| Why the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't they have greenhouses full of coke? | |
| I never saw a greenhouse. | ||
| Why is everybody growing coke in the third world when you just get a nice greenhouse? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it undercover? | ||
| Am I blowing up their spot right now? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Should I not be talking about this? | ||
| No. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Go check out all the shit. | ||
| New Mood. | ||
| It's a 5-HTP and L-tryptophan. | ||
| Enhancing supplement. | ||
| And enter in the codename ROGEN and you will get 10% off all of your orders. | ||
| And remember always, the first order of 30 pills. | ||
| If you don't like it, if you think it's bullshit, if it's not for you, whatever. | ||
| Whatever you feel. | ||
| You can get 100% of your money back. | ||
| You don't even have to return the product. | ||
| We're way more concerned with people not feeling ripped off than we are with making money. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| I have a question. | ||
| Trying to keep it on the level. | ||
| I have a question. | ||
| Is there a show with this commercial? | ||
| This is over. | ||
| The commercial is over and then we go on for like two hours just talking shit. | ||
| You ready? | ||
| Why do we have lunch together? | ||
| We talked about everything. | ||
| Let's relive our lunch. | ||
| What are you doing, Brian? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Did you slip? | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Are you a DJ now? | ||
| I am a now. | ||
| Have you been hanging out with Russell Peters? | ||
| I have been. | ||
| Alright, give me some Dr. Scratch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me something We gotta have Nick DS To Joe Rogan experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night All day Train by day Joe Rogan podcast Stop stop stop Is that Joe Diaz? | |
| Yeah, I don't think you should do that anymore. | ||
| I don't think that's entertaining. | ||
| I don't like that, okay? | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I want to hear Nick Diaz's voice. | ||
| Nick Diaz, a fighter, a UFC guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It was the coolest thing ever. | ||
| He won a fight, and then after the fight he goes, Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Oh, this is the greatest moment of my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| So, this guy likes fucking around with the speeds of things. | ||
| He's got some technological ADD going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| Dom Herrera, welcome to the show, my friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show's a program. | |
| Thank you, lad. | ||
| So happy to have you here. | ||
| Dom Herrera, just to all you folks out there in the cyber world, is a guy that I actually paid to see. | ||
| Before I got into comedy, I was a huge fan, and I just loved stand-up comedy. | ||
| I loved watching Evening at the Improv, and I took a date to Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston to watch Dom Aurea. | ||
| I think maybe I had done an open mic, like maybe once, maybe. | ||
| I might not have even. | ||
| It might have even been before, but I remember I watched it up there, and one of the things... | ||
| First of all, you were fucking killed. | ||
| And you were one of the few guys that could survive that crazy Boston gauntlet that they used to throw at all the national headlines. | ||
| They liked me. | ||
| They loved you. | ||
| Everybody loved you. | ||
| But it was a tricky situation, that Boston gauntlet they used to put people through. | ||
| They would take a guy like... | ||
| Follow this. | ||
| Yeah, Billy Crystal would come into town, right? | ||
| And they would make Billy Crystal... | ||
| They would purposely put up the best local guys. | ||
|
unidentified
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Steve Sweeney, Don Gavin, Kevin Knox, Kenny Rogerson. | |
| Dennis Leary. | ||
| Everybody would go up with 15 minutes of fucking fury, too. | ||
| Everybody did short sets. | ||
| They were supposed to do 50 at the end. | ||
| Yeah, and then, you know, at the end, first of all, they've made everyone laugh with every local reference humanly possible. | ||
| And if there's anything people love in Boston, it's a Boston joke. | ||
| It's a problem. | ||
| I had, like, my first 20 minutes all revolved around Boston, because when you're fucking sinking out there and you're looking for something, you know that you can make fun of a girl from Revere, because she has big hair. | ||
| That's right there. | ||
| That's in my... | ||
| It's in my wheelhouse. | ||
| I could pull that out. | ||
| You could always go with local references. | ||
| Charleston, the Irish girls and all that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's always something like, well, and then you're in Mattapan after dark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woohoo! | |
| Speak Spanish. | ||
| You could do local jokes. | ||
| You survived. | ||
| You survived. | ||
| You're one of the few guys. | ||
| I saw a lot of guys eat a fat bag of dicks. | ||
| I heard Richard Lewis hit on the stage afterwards. | ||
| Oh, I heard he... | ||
| Well, I've heard that a few times with that guy. | ||
| He's apparently, if he doesn't get his crowd, he has a very specific crowd that comes up to see him. | ||
| Sometimes people maybe don't know what he's going to do before he does it. | ||
| If they do, they love it. | ||
| They love that character. | ||
| But if they don't, I think, from what I've heard, it can go bad. | ||
| I can imagine. | ||
| Remember Nick's? | ||
| Nick's was the place where you saw me. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And that was really a tough club, especially the third show on Friday night. | ||
| So I asked Jonathan Katz to do the show with me. | ||
| You know how Jonathan is very nebbishy and kind of a little Jewish comedian. | ||
| He was the host of my first open mic. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was nice to you, right? | ||
| Greg. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I said, John, do the show with me. | ||
| He goes, I can't. | ||
| I can't go in there. | ||
| I said, come on. | ||
| I'll protect you. | ||
| I'll watch your back. | ||
| So he goes up. | ||
| They actually started heckling the back of his bald head before he got to the stage. | ||
| They're fucking booing him for nothing. | ||
| He didn't even say anything. | ||
| And he goes up and he goes, precisely. | ||
| And just walks off the stage. | ||
| But they booed him before he talked. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Boston was an interesting mix of college-educated people and savages. | ||
| I think it has the highest amount of colleges per capita in the country. | ||
| And I couldn't get in any of them. | ||
| I used to see street fights there when you didn't see them anymore. | ||
| You see guys, they didn't go home from work. | ||
| They had a tie, a white shirt hanging out, battling each other. | ||
| There's still fights in Boston. | ||
| Boston dudes will still fight. | ||
| It's one of the few places where you're probably not going to get shot. | ||
| No. | ||
| Dudes would actually want to duke it out with you. | ||
| Might get stomped, but no shot. | ||
| Well, you could get shot, though. | ||
| Everyone has baseball bats, but no one plays baseball. | ||
| You run into the wrong kids from Southie, you could get shot. | ||
| Anybody could get shot there, too. | ||
| But you do definitely see more fistfights there. | ||
| Yeah, I always think of you as a New York act. | ||
| Well, I was born in Jersey, but I mean, I got better in New York. | ||
| I developed in Boston, but I was only there for four years doing stand-up. | ||
| You know, I moved to New York only four years into my act. | ||
| And I got a manager, so my manager, who's still my manager to this day, was selling me as a headliner. | ||
| But I wasn't really a headliner yet. | ||
| You didn't have the minutes. | ||
| You probably had the talent. | ||
| I had a good solid 15 that I would drag out to 40 if the crowd was right. | ||
| I remember the first time this guy Hiram Kasten got me a gig for $75 and I had to do 45 minutes. | ||
| I said, I only have 25. He goes, like Jesus with the fishes, he goes, go out there, do it, it will come. | ||
| It will come unto thee. | ||
| I don't know if it came or I just did already crowd work because I didn't have the time. | ||
| Yeah, those were silly days. | ||
| I couldn't believe people could do 20 minutes. | ||
| When I had five minutes, I go, how the fuck did I remember 20 minutes in a row? | ||
| What's the longest flat-out set of just stand-up you've ever done? | ||
| I'm not real good at real long sets. | ||
| Probably an hour and a half. | ||
| That's about all you should do, right? | ||
| I love a 45 minute set. | ||
| A crusher, right? | ||
| Just get off them wanting more instead of... | ||
| Yeah, I've done too long. | ||
| I used to do these Q&As at the end of my shows. | ||
| Yeah, but that's different. | ||
| It goes into something else. | ||
| Nah, it was getting too long. | ||
| People were falling asleep. | ||
| They were bored. | ||
| Girlfriends are like... | ||
| You know, you can only talk... | ||
| No, but I don't care who... | ||
| Maybe it was Charlie Murphy that said this. | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It was Joey Diaz. | ||
| I've never heard Charlie Murphy quote him before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he said... | |
| I quote him all the time. | ||
| Get to know Charlie Murphy. | ||
| He's a deep dude. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's a deep dude. | ||
| He says some pretty interesting shit. | ||
| He's a great fucking storyteller, too. | ||
| He's a good guy all around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Charlie, you would like Charlie Murphy, Dom. | ||
| You would like... | ||
| I'm sure I would. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's always weird for those guys whose brother is like Tony Rock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Chris Rock's brother. | ||
| Tony Rock is fucking good. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's fucking funny, man. | ||
| I hadn't seen him in years and I saw him at the improv and I had to go up to him afterwards. | ||
| I was like, dude, I haven't seen you in like a long time. | ||
| I go, God damn, you got good, man. | ||
| Yeah, he's got that glint in his eye that makes you laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's just something goofy and funny and smart about him. | ||
| Really friendly on stage, too, like fun on stage. | ||
| Like you want to hang out with him. | ||
| Like you want to have fun with him. | ||
| You know, when you get to see a guy who's enjoying himself up there, it really makes you, you know, see when a guy's not anymore. | ||
| It's one of the saddest things about our business when you see a guy who's just, he doesn't even realize what he's got. | ||
| He's done the greatest job of all time. | ||
| I know. | ||
| The other night, I was late for work, and I worked 15 minutes, and it was at 10 o'clock at night. | ||
| I was taking a nap. | ||
| I was fucking late for work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How sad is that? | |
| And you know what? | ||
| I'm such a half a fag that I was in the bathtub. | ||
| I'm so lazy. | ||
| I was shaving. | ||
| I took a bath so I didn't have to stand and shave. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They were calling me on the cell phone thinking I wasn't showing. | ||
| And you're right around the corner too. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a half a mile away. | ||
| And you're still late! | ||
| That's a real comic. | ||
| There's something about comedians. | ||
| It's stripper time. | ||
| But I love it. | ||
| You know how people try and make it miserable? | ||
| Boy, that's got to be tough, huh? | ||
| Well, it ain't tough compared to working in a coma. | ||
| It must suck going on the road. | ||
| I'd hate to be on the road all the time. | ||
| Well, nobody's asking you. | ||
| Nobody's asking you, I hate to fly to Australia. | ||
| Nobody wants you in Australia. | ||
| What are you going to do when you get there? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're non-act. | ||
| You ever get people to try and make your life miserable because they're trying to maybe make themselves feel better about themselves? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's definitely people that will try to justify why they're happier than you and find the holes in your game. | ||
| But as a professional comedian... | ||
| As long as you stay funny, and the only way to stay funny is just keep doing what you're doing. | ||
| Don't ever become a crazy person. | ||
| Keep reading shit. | ||
| Keep writing shit. | ||
| Keep watching things. | ||
| Keep coming up with new jokes. | ||
| You're always going to keep doing it. | ||
| Yeah, but I see guys my age that are so bitter. | ||
| I'm thinking, why are you bitter? | ||
| You fucking got away with life being a comedian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's like, I love it. | ||
| I want to get better. | ||
| Well, you're a real comic, though, Dom. | ||
| You've always been a real comic. | ||
| As long as I've known you... | ||
| You know, like I said, I paid to see you before I ever even did it, really. | ||
| You've always been just, like, that's what you are. | ||
| You're not like a guy who's trying to get a series, and if you got that series in, you'd abandon stand-up or a guy who wanted to be a movie. | ||
| You're always just Dom Irera, professional comedian from television. | ||
| You know, you would even introduce yourself like that. | ||
| Dom Irera from television, they can do it. | ||
| Well, you know, I was on Suzanne Somers' show when I came out here, and I really liked her. | ||
| The show was really bad. | ||
| It was called She's the Sheriff. | ||
| She's the Sheriff. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ooh, beautiful blonde with big tits, and she's a sheriff. | ||
| How'd she get that gig? | ||
| And at the end of the night, they'd always want to go out. | ||
| I'd go, I've got to go to the comedy store. | ||
| And they'd go, well, why? | ||
| You already have a job. | ||
| I'd go, no, that's my job. | ||
| This is my side job. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Being in a sitcom was my side job. | ||
| My real job was being a stand-up. | ||
| And that's the way I take it. | ||
| Any times I got series or anything else, I love acting. | ||
| I love working with people, but stand-up's my favorite. | ||
| It's the most fun thing ever. | ||
| We used to talk about it when I was doing news radio. | ||
| I'd come back to the store, and you'd be like, Yeah, there's nothing. | ||
| It doesn't matter what you're doing. | ||
| You still want to go up there and kill. | ||
| I remember we talked about it. | ||
| I remember because you were getting these series, always practice stand-up. | ||
| Daniel Tosh that because he's on top with the Comedy Central thing, but he practices stand-up still. | ||
| What happens when we get fired from a series? | ||
| We still got our job. | ||
| How cool is that? | ||
| Yeah, the last thing you want to do... | ||
| I don't like being dependent on anything. | ||
| That's why I like doing... | ||
| Oh, it's so nice not having a boss, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the best boss I've ever had for sure is the UFC. Because there couldn't be better people to work for. | ||
| I mean, I've never had a single... | ||
| Joe, I've never seen you so happy. | ||
| I love it! | ||
| You're so good at that. | ||
| You're so fucking sharp. | ||
| And like I was telling you, you break it down. | ||
| You make me understand the fighting more. | ||
| Well, I try to explain it as if your smart friend is over that hasn't seen fighting before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And I want to make it exciting for him. | ||
| And I'm talking you through how I'm looking at it. | ||
| I'm looking at his path. | ||
| I'm like, this guy's got this path. | ||
| He's got to secure that arm. | ||
| He's got to get his hand connected. | ||
| And when you bring people in like that, what you're in is my mind. | ||
| I mean, that's what's going on in my head when I'm watching the fight. | ||
| I'm like, watch the mount, knee to the stomach, knee to the stomach. | ||
| Oh, he's got full mount! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I see it coming. | ||
| I see these paths. | ||
| And I want to just guide people through the path. | ||
| It's the most non-job job I've ever had. | ||
| Oh, I can see it. | ||
| You look like you're just floating through it. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| The thing I realized about myself was that I love violence. | ||
| But it has to be real. | ||
| I don't like violent movies. | ||
| To see Joey Pesci, a 60-year-old guy, beating up some 20-year-old kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what the fuck? | |
| Fucking bullshit. | ||
| When I was there that night, when you invited me to the pond, and I see these guys really getting fucking whacked, and you know when it really hits the reality is when you're sitting, like I told you, I was sitting behind the guy's mother and girlfriend when he got knocked out. | ||
| And the mother's like, Jimmy! | ||
| You know, like, real. | ||
| I love the pounding they take. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about that kid? | |
| Remember the kid, the Tasmanian Devil, that just ran up the thing and did, like, flips over? | ||
| Do you remember him talking about it? | ||
| It was kind of... | ||
| Maybe he was, like, maybe mulatto or maybe from an island or something. | ||
| He was kind of a light-skinned black kid. | ||
| And he was phenomenal. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| He was leaping in the air, like, eight feet and... | ||
| You know what I'm talking about, Joe? | ||
| I do. | ||
| I can't believe I don't have his name on the top of my head. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| It was like they sped the camera up when we were watching him. | ||
| He was the one that knocked the guy out. | ||
| Yeah, I have to find out what his name is right now because he's fucking brilliant and he's an up-and-coming kid. | ||
| So just give me a second. | ||
| While we're waiting, let's talk more about supplements. | ||
| Hey, Dom, what was it like meeting Johnny Carson? | ||
| Do you have any stories of anything cool that happened? | ||
| Well, the thing about it is, that was like in 1986. So that's when The Tonight Show was still really big. | ||
| And it was not fun. | ||
| It was an experience. | ||
| It was like an imprimatur of comedy. | ||
| His name's John. | ||
| John. | ||
| John. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| Sorry, keep calling. | ||
| Johnny Shit. | ||
| But Carson, I looked in the hills in Burbank and I wanted to run away. | ||
| I wanted to run away and start a new life like in the hills because I was so fucking afraid of going on that stage. | ||
| Because Jim McCauley, the guy who booked it, comes and talks to you and then they pull it back and there it is. | ||
| John Dodson, sorry. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| John Dodson. | ||
| That was the kid? | ||
| Yeah, he's amazing. | ||
| He's a fucking super athlete. | ||
| What an athlete. | ||
| He moves like a cartoon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Flies through the air. | ||
| Yeah, he's a super talented kid. | ||
| When he was doing that flip, he was running up the walls. | ||
| Yeah, he's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, he's incredible. | ||
| He does cartoonish shit. | ||
| He's so gifted. | ||
| He's just got almost an acrobatic ability. | ||
| Go back to another story, whatever you're saying. | ||
| You were terrified. | ||
| So you're terrified to go on this stage. | ||
| Oh, no, he's asking about the Tonight Show. | ||
| The curtain goes back and it's unreal that you hear Johnny Carson laughing and Ed McMahon. | ||
| And see, I had done a joke about Ed McMahon. | ||
| And when I saw him backstage, he pulled me towards him. | ||
| I think, oh, fucking Ed's going to slide me right before I go on. | ||
| And actually, I didn't know that he loved the joke. | ||
| But you remember the joke? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was like, um... | ||
| You called him outposts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do I call... | |
| I said, I met Ed McMahon. | ||
| You know, he's been in show business for 35 years. | ||
| What do I go up to him and say? | ||
| Hi, Ed. | ||
| Do I call him Mr. Ed, Mr. E, Mr. Eddie McMahon, Mr. E, big, fat, lucky, talentless hump? | ||
| Kissing Johnny's ass for the last 30 years. | ||
| You Budweiser sucking, apple slinging, nothing. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I don't mean that in a bad way. | ||
| That was a joke, right? | ||
| You know, not a nice joke, but hopefully, you know, he took it in the spirit that he was a big success and I was a new comic, and that's the way he took it, you know. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I watched Johnny Carson every single day. | ||
| I never missed it, and I was a kid, and that was, there was no VCRs when I was a kid, but I would sit there and watch it every day. | ||
| I think I remembered you, uh, From that, when I first moved to LA, I met you at the Comedy Store, and I was like, from Johnny Carson! | ||
| I for sure saw you on Carson. | ||
| I saw a bunch of guys on Carson that wound up being great comedians. | ||
| I saw Jenny on Carson for the first time. | ||
| He was a great comedian. | ||
| He was a great comedian. | ||
| Did Ed smell like Jack Daniels? | ||
| Isn't he one of the most underrated guys, don't you think? | ||
| If you go back... | ||
| Probably the people wouldn't know, but they'd know. | ||
| They'd go, yeah, that guy. | ||
| But yeah, as far as like... | ||
| Do you remember how good, how strong his act was in like the late 80s? | ||
| The late 80s, like 80s, like in the early 90s. | ||
| He would go, he went to Eastside Comedy Club and they said he did three different shows in a row. | ||
| Three complete different hours. | ||
| Completely different from beginning to end. | ||
| He was mad at me for like 10, 15 years because when he started out, he only had 25 minutes like a lot of us. | ||
| And I had the cover for him and me and this guy Mitch Walters. | ||
| We were in Florida at this place called The Comic Strip. | ||
| And he would squirrel his money in the daytime. | ||
| We would buy all the food for the place. | ||
| Then he'd buy drinks for chicks at night. | ||
| And so we started calling him Squirrel. | ||
| And, you know, it was just like normal ball busting, like very mild hazing, but he took it real seriously and he was hurt. | ||
| And he was mad for years. | ||
| I go, but Rich, we're just kidding. | ||
| But, you know, he was the kind of, I mean, I didn't know that he was so psychotic that he was in that kind of pain that he would shoot himself. | ||
| But, you know, I did see symptoms of incredible insecurity and incredible holding on to things, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| That's so common with, like, really good comics, isn't it? | ||
| There's so many good comics that are just so fucking nutty, you know? | ||
| All of us are. | ||
| I mean, I... I straddle reality a lot. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I mean, if it wasn't for alcohol and Xanax, I mean, I wouldn't go out of the house half the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Or agoraphobic feelings. | ||
| I don't want to turn it into the Oprah thing, but... | ||
| When did that start happening? | ||
| Since I was a kid, since I was abandoned in Yellowstone National Park. | ||
| I was abandoned in the Grand Canyon, so I have a fear of widths. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I don't want to get too heavy, but yeah, I've always had... | ||
| You don't have any neurotic things? | ||
| You weren't really abandoned. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That's just a joke. | ||
| It's not even a joke, because a joke would be funny. | ||
| That was kind of funny. | ||
| So it's just the same. | ||
| It was just shocking if it was true. | ||
| If you were on stage, I would start laughing, because I would go, clearly this isn't true. | ||
| I thought you were underneath a tree, and I was thinking about little squirrels coming up and kissing you and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, try to wake me up. | ||
| I read this story recently about this guy who got killed by a bear real recently, and they had a track down the bear that did it. | ||
| It's happened twice in the last year in Yellowstone, and it hadn't happened before since the 1980s. | ||
| It's pretty uncommon. | ||
| But this one, unfortunately, wasn't just a kill. | ||
| They had eaten part of this dude. | ||
| So then you've got to kill that bear. | ||
| That's a bear that's discovered that human beings are a food source. | ||
| And delicious, by the way. | ||
| Yeah, and easy. | ||
| I remember eating Sophie out once. | ||
| Wah, wah, wah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Is this thing on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello. | |
| Hello. | ||
| Where did I lose you, podcast fans? | ||
| I licked Burt Kreischer's nuts once, so it's the same thing. | ||
| That don't make you gay, does it? | ||
| No. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| A bear. | ||
| He's a bear. | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| So they had to track this bear down and kill it. | ||
| They're all tagged anyway, aren't they? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think a lot of them are, but I don't think they've got them all. | ||
| I don't know how they deal with that. | ||
| It's kind of a weird thing. | ||
| There's this one wild area that people venture into, but there's these huge dog things that will occasionally fucking eat you. | ||
| Especially if they catch you with their cubs. | ||
| When they're with their cubs, they get crazy. | ||
| What were you telling me before about the guy that beat up and killed all those wolves? | ||
| It's a crazy story. | ||
| Talk about one significant night in your life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, somebody says, I got a story. | ||
| You got a story. | ||
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted to say the exact right number, but I think it was something on like 11 dead wolves. | ||
| And he had shot a bunch of them, and then he had apparently... | ||
| Run out of bullets, or his gun jammed, and then he beat a bunch of them to death with his butt. | ||
| So they found him and like 11 dead wolves, and then eventually the wolves got him. | ||
| The rest of the pack killed them. | ||
| Oh, they did get him? | ||
| Oh yeah, he's dead. | ||
| I believe I said Alaska, but I might have been wrong. | ||
| It might have been Canada. | ||
| How many wolves were in that pack? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| They could be like a hundred. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| I thought they were like five or six. | ||
| Sometimes they're like 30 and 50, but they've been super packs sighted recently in Russia that they're really getting scared of, that they're in the hundreds. | ||
| And what's nutty about that is they're all starving to death. | ||
| There's no fucking food out there. | ||
| So they're sneaking into these industrial areas or farming areas and just fucking up their cattle. | ||
| Just going in there. | ||
| I mean, you're talking about a hundred wolves just coming in in a mass swoop. | ||
| Could you imagine if you're living? | ||
| You're some poor fuck that's a sheep farmer in Siberia or wherever the fuck you are. | ||
| And you're just taking care of these sheep and it's freezing cold out and you hear them... | ||
| You hear that stupid shit every day, and then one day you look out the window, and there's 400 fucking wolves! | ||
| 400 of them! | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| 400 fucking wolves! | ||
| That feeling of being trapped in your house with 400 wolves out there, and they just start jacking shit! | ||
| They just start jacking shit! | ||
| Just tear them apart right in front of you. | ||
| Showing their teeth. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Well, Joe, I told you. | ||
| I made a confession to Joe this week that I didn't really... | ||
| You know, I finally told him why I didn't come over to his house because I was afraid of his pit bulls. | ||
| And, you know, I know that they... | ||
| All I pictured was the bull flying through the air and latching onto my juggler and Joe's screaming... | ||
| He never did this before. | ||
| He's really a sweet dog. | ||
| They were great with people. | ||
| Pimples are great with people. | ||
| It's not people you have to worry about. | ||
| He slid under the fence and was biting that other dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had to have my fence welded. | ||
| I had to have a bar welded around the perimeter of the fence because he figured out that he could Get his head in and bend the bars just by sheer force. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want any animals like that. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| They're so crazy. | ||
| But the kids that you have, imagine your little girl inadvertently poking her in the eye and the dog, you know what I mean? | ||
| I agree. | ||
| With kids, it's very dangerous, especially if they don't grow up with the kids, if they're not a baby with the kids. | ||
| Then they get jealous. | ||
| It's that. | ||
| They get jealous. | ||
| And also, they don't think of it necessarily as a human being. | ||
| It's small. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| And they might bite it. | ||
| That is possible. | ||
| If it annoys them, they might bite it in a way that they would never bite a person, but they might bite a cat. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're dangerous. | ||
| Any dog is dangerous. | ||
| If it's not trained properly, and especially dogs with a high prey drive. | ||
| Except people. | ||
| But they're so fun to be around. | ||
| They're so friendly and loyal and energetic, and they're so happy to see you, and they're so smart. | ||
| They're such smart dogs. | ||
| But unfortunately, all that intelligence comes with a burden, and the burden is the way they... | ||
| They're ultra dogs. | ||
| And the way they became ultra dogs is they raised them from fighting each other and they killed all the ones that weren't superior. | ||
| They really just kept the strong bloodlines. | ||
| So if you get a dog that's like a real fighting dog, those are some of the smartest dogs you'll ever have. | ||
| Brian Callan used to have this pit bull, and it was like a direct fighting dog. | ||
| We bought it from a dude who fought dogs. | ||
| I was there with him. | ||
| And this dude, they would gamble on dog fighting. | ||
| And the guy was explaining to us that the dogs don't die. | ||
| And he's like, you don't let your dog get killed. | ||
| And he goes, it's all about gambling, and it's all about breeding the pit bulls. | ||
| To them, he had been doing this for generation upon generation, apparently. | ||
| Well, that's what Michael Vick was saying, that it was a cultural thing. | ||
| Yeah, I don't buy that, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He killed a lot of them by electrocuting them and all that. | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| The dark side of it is that they take these animals after they let them fuck each other up, and then they shoot one of them or kill one of them, the one that quit. | ||
| They don't even want them to breed. | ||
| If you got scared and turned away from the other dog, they don't even want them to breed. | ||
| They want them to just fight mercilessly. | ||
| Fight until somebody pulls them off. | ||
| It's just a fucked up thing to breed into a dog. | ||
| It's a fucked up behavior trait to breed in. | ||
| There's this old frail lady in Burbank that walks her pit bulls Two of them. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| And every time I see it, I'm like, that's not cool. | ||
| You have to at least be able to, like, if something happens, take care of it and not slap it with a white glove and shit. | ||
| Not every pit bull will freak out and fuck other dogs up. | ||
| Some pit bulls are very well, you know, like, socialized and well-trained and, you know, they're exercised well so they're, you know, they get tired out and That's an important thing with dogs. | ||
| Dogs are just like people, man. | ||
| You've got to throw the ball for the dog. | ||
| You've got to give the dog some space. | ||
| My dogs have a big yard to run around in. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| They need that, man. | ||
| Dogs need to be able to blow off some steam. | ||
| Otherwise, they're tense. | ||
| A dog that's in the house all the time, it doesn't get to get out. | ||
| Those dogs will bark and jump up in the air. | ||
| They're freaking out. | ||
| They're like, Jesus Christ, you're keeping me locked down in a box all day. | ||
| I'm a dog. | ||
| I'm supposed to be out running around. | ||
| You know, so if you have two pit bulls, man, you better make sure that you put those fuckers through a good little workout routine. | ||
| I need to start bringing my dog here every time I do this podcast. | ||
| My poor dog just sits there just like, oh. | ||
| I have a dog who's in love with me. | ||
| He's gay. | ||
| The dog, he actually, when he sees me, he goes, oh. | ||
| You know, like, who is that fucking guy again? | ||
| I love this guy. | ||
| But I mean, really, like, you know, I don't do dog bits like that, you know, that in my act, but I mean, it really is amazing how his reacts to me, whatever it is. | ||
| Yeah, dogs are beautiful like that. | ||
| That's why people like having them as pets. | ||
| When people talk about having, like, a pet bird or something, like, what are you talking about, stupid? | ||
| Yeah, the snake. | ||
| I almost bought a parrot, I admit. | ||
| I went through a parrot phase for a while. | ||
| I just saw, I met a really cool parrot, and I was like, that's so beautiful. | ||
| I want that in my, like, The bedroom. | ||
| I think they're cool. | ||
| Look, you know, I had a pair once, climbed up on my shoulder, and I had a baseball hat on, and he bit the little top button off the top of the hat. | ||
| I was like, ah, that'd be fun to have around. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't buy it when I found out they could live to be 120 years old. | |
| Stupid flying shithead. | ||
| Claws. | ||
| I don't trust anything with claws. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| What kind of creepy thing you got in your life? | ||
| That's a... | ||
| A falcon? | ||
| Did you hear about this new one that they just discovered? | ||
| The newest fossil that they've uncovered of the biggest bird that ever lived. | ||
| It was 30 feet long. | ||
| It weighed 3,000 pounds. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This giant fucking predatory monster lizard bird thing. | ||
| It was the gray goose of birds. | ||
| So that's a dragon, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| If it's 30 feet long, that's a dragon. | ||
| That's not a bird. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Well, it's covered in feathers. | ||
| It's really fucked. | ||
| So are dragons, aren't they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe they were scales and we just suck at feather detections. | ||
| You know what I saw last night? | ||
| Speaking of dragons, I saw the Wrath of the Titans. | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| The newest one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, is it good? | |
| Is it better than the last one? | ||
| Oh my god, is it bad. | ||
| Oh, God, not again. | ||
| Oh, my God, is it bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sucks. | |
| It's so bad. | ||
| It's so bad that you're almost like, did you even write this out? | ||
| Did you laugh at it? | ||
| Was it that bad? | ||
| No, it was stunning. | ||
| It was stunning. | ||
| First of all, the CGI is fucking incredible. | ||
| It seems like they just put the entire budget on making it look badass. | ||
| I don't usually even like 3D movies, but this is a... | ||
| Really well done 3D movie. | ||
| Was it a kid's movie? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, yeah, sort of. | ||
| I mean, it's like PG or something like that. | ||
| Maybe it's PG-13 for violence. | ||
| So good 3D, good graphics. | ||
| Sword fighting and shit. | ||
| A lot of the monsters were incredible. | ||
| They had this fucking dragon thing. | ||
| This two-headed dragon. | ||
| Holy shit, was it cool. | ||
| Like, really fucking cool. | ||
| So there's good things about this movie. | ||
| Yeah, the monsters. | ||
| It's like a CGI... Video game. | ||
| Monster porn film where the talking in between the fucking is way too long. | ||
| Oh yeah, I hate that. | ||
| Get to it. | ||
| Especially if you're in a hotel room and you can't fast forward it. | ||
| You gotta just sit and watch these dummies act out. | ||
| I think she likes you. | ||
| Kiss her. | ||
| I don't want to kiss her. | ||
| I don't want to get rejected, man. | ||
| After Cindy left me, I just don't have that kind of confidence anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| What could I do to give you more confidence? | ||
| I like the lesbian ones. | ||
| They make me laugh. | ||
| Lesbian porns? | ||
| Yeah, especially like the mother-daughter ones. | ||
| How sick is that? | ||
| Yeah, that's fucked up. | ||
| Mother-daughter exchange club, where these mothers take their daughters over to Switch. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They both go with older women, but the daughter... | ||
| You ever see that one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Neither did I, but I heard about it. | ||
| I would never watch something like that. | ||
| It's sick. | ||
| I have it on my phone. | ||
| Yeah, I saw one of them where a mother and daughter were sharing a dick. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've seen that. | ||
| The mother was stuffing it in the daughter's mouth. | ||
| And it was the daughter's mouth. | ||
| The girl looked like her. | ||
| I thought it was the son's dick. | ||
| I bet there's a video like that. | ||
| Oh no, there is. | ||
| There must be. | ||
| For real. | ||
| There's one for everything. | ||
| If we've thought it up, somebody's already like... | ||
| Come on my glasses. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That's what I saw. | ||
| Fetishes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's foot cum fetishes. | ||
| Where dudes only want to come on girls' feet. | ||
| There's fetishes where people put fingers in guys' penis holes. | ||
| And guys like it. | ||
| And guys like it. | ||
| And then there's the other way around where guys fuck girls' pee holes and fit the whole dick inside their pee holes. | ||
| How is it possible to get a dick inside of a pee hole? | ||
| There's videos. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| It's actually people like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucked up. | |
| I look at them every day. | ||
| I saw a paparazzi thing happen last night. | ||
| This is the craziest thing ever. | ||
| Okay, we were at the Improv for Comedy Juice, and there was a big gang of, you know, comics outside of the Improv, you know, and just hanging out smoking cigarettes and shit. | ||
| And across the street, there's, like, this Mexican tequila bar. | ||
| And this celebrity was coming out, and the valet put their car there, and it was, like, Lindsay Lohan-style paparazzis everywhere, like, fucking flashbulbs and fucking jumping on top of their car, like, around their cars, you know, like, just, like, surrounding them, fucking flashbulbs and fucking jumping on top of their car, like, around And so they're in the car, and they're taking photos of photos. | ||
| And so all the comics were just screaming stupid shit across the street. | ||
| Nothing, like, really bad. | ||
| Like, ones that's, like, don't Princess Diana her, and, like, is that Lindsay Lohan? | ||
| And just stupid shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And so the car takes out, and it's some girl from, I think, Fast and Furious 2. | ||
| I can't remember her name. | ||
| Maybe Eva Menendez. | ||
| Menendez or something like that. | ||
| I don't even know if that was her. | ||
| Spanish is not your first language. | ||
| And so she drove by, and she's smiling at us, like, ha-ha, you guys were funny while this whole thing happened. | ||
| So it was cool, because all the comics are like, yeah, mission accomplished. | ||
| But then, the second they left, all the paparazzis, this big gang, just fucking slowly started walking into traffic, the cars honking the horns, like, slamming on their brakes, and they didn't give a shit, and they were just walking across the street, and then getting up into all the comics' faces and going, you got a fucking problem, man? | ||
| Paparazzi were doing that? | ||
| Yeah, and they were all about to like fucking just start beating the shit out of all these fat improv comic guys. | ||
| Aggressive paparazzi? | ||
| Yeah, it was crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And then I pulled out my iPhone and I started recording it because that's what I thought I would do. | ||
| But unfortunately, the FaceTime was facing me, but I didn't notice it. | ||
| So it's just my face going... | ||
| You got your reaction. | ||
| But then halfway through it, I look over, and I'm like, oh, fuck. | ||
| And I turn it over, and then I show them all walking away, gang-style, walking through the street, like a fucking gang fight, right? | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| So then once they all take off, and suddenly one of the paparazzis came back on this motorcycle going down the wrong way of Melrose. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Like, in and out of cars. | ||
| Like, scary. | ||
| It was scary. | ||
| Slams on drugs across the street, talks to the valets, points over to us, and then fucking just takes off and blows through, like, two red lights. | ||
| And I was just like, what the fuck are these paparazzi gang members? | ||
| It was scary, dude. | ||
| It was like, I was just sitting there going, what the fuck? | ||
| Well, you gotta think who these people are. | ||
| They're people, they're stalkers. | ||
| They're professional stalkers. | ||
| They're terrifying. | ||
| Those guys are terrifying. | ||
| Well, they also, I think they have to fortify, because a lot of people, like, lash out at them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people don't like that. | ||
| Can you imagine being Lindsay Lohan, though, or somebody like that and just having that shit happen to them? | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| I bet it is, man. | ||
| I bet it is. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| That's why I think the AIDS blood thing I was talking about. | ||
| You had AIDS blood and just started, like, winging it around? | ||
| Really, honestly, I don't think it should be legal to have a gang of people just standing out there with a camera and photographing someone like that and freaking people out. | ||
| Especially when they're walking into traffic like that. | ||
| That should be something you should be able to get in trouble for. | ||
| It seems like if you want to go bust pot chops, pot chops aren't hurting anybody. | ||
| These guys are walking in traffic and big giant groups freaking out some chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unless! | |
| And here's the big unless. | ||
| And this is the real unless. | ||
| Unless she set it all up. | ||
| And that's exactly what I was thinking too. | ||
| Because it was like, why is there 25 people and none of us know who this girl is? | ||
| I think that's what they do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, everybody's got to grind out a living. | ||
| I don't hate a guy trying to make a living. | ||
| The way you can make a living is taking pictures of Eva Mendes or whoever the fuck it is. | ||
| As long as they're not really harassing people, and I don't think they are for the most part. | ||
| I think a lot of it, there's a few that'll, I mean, like, clearly when Britney Spears was going bonkers and shaving her head and running around and beating cars with an umbrella, clearly they were just following her. | ||
| There was no agreements there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They were like, let's follow this crazy bitch all day. | ||
| She's bound to do something nutty. | ||
| This is easy pickings. | ||
| But I know for a fact that people set up fake situations Where they tell someone A publicist will set it up with the paparazzi So the paparazzi waits for them So they make it look like it's a big deal They're everywhere I go What am I going to do? | ||
| Meanwhile they're fucking asking for it They're setting it up It's part of the whole let's be famous thing It was scary, though. | ||
| To me, if that was me that had that happen to me, like, with all the... | ||
| Because those people were trying to pull out in their car, and there was just, like, 20 people around their car. | ||
| They were like, come on, get the fuck out away from my car, you know? | ||
| And they're just, like, touching your car and shit, and that would... | ||
| That's... | ||
| Fucked up. | ||
| And there's so much flashes. | ||
| How are you even being able to see when you're trying to pull out in the traffic? | ||
| The flashes alone. | ||
| Those people, any flashbulbs going off, all those people should be like tickets. | ||
| That's like trying to distract somebody. | ||
| Fuck texting. | ||
| Imagine flashbulbs in your fucking face. | ||
| Well, it's definitely just the giant mass of people that you say are blocking the traffic. | ||
| You shouldn't be able to do that. | ||
| Would you ever want Lindsay Lohan on a podcast? | ||
| Why? | ||
| I think it would be interesting to talk to her. | ||
| I think she's hot, man. | ||
| You like her? | ||
| I like that skanky blonde look. | ||
| I mean, because she's got a beautiful face. | ||
| She's redhead again. | ||
| She's so hot now. | ||
| She's so hot now. | ||
| She needs to stay redhead. | ||
| She might be the hottest. | ||
| She's so hot. | ||
| She's so hot. | ||
| My contention about a lot of celebrities, when Michael Jordan was at his peak... | ||
| And I really believe that they find people annoying, but if they weren't recognized, they'd feel insecure. | ||
| Hey, I'm Michael Jordan. | ||
| I'm over here. | ||
| Don't bother me. | ||
| Don't you think about a lot of these guys? | ||
| Some people, they definitely, it's like being recognized is a big part for them. | ||
| It gives them a charge when they go somewhere and they get recognized. | ||
| You know Everlast from the House of Pain? | ||
| He was on the other day. | ||
| He's the exact opposite. | ||
| He likes being able to sneak in. | ||
| Favorite podcast of all time, by the way. | ||
| 201's my favorite. | ||
| Thanks a lot. | ||
| It's pretty goddamn good. | ||
| This is 202. Try harder, Tom. | ||
| I feel like we're close. | ||
| I feel like we're real close. | ||
| No, the reason why I like it is because he played live acoustic songs. | ||
| Me and Joe pretty much got our own concert, right? | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| And the songs were like new songs we had not heard before, and they were really good, man. | ||
| He's a good fucking singer. | ||
| I was having heart palpitation. | ||
| Anybody that can do what you can't do that you love seems so impossible. | ||
| Because when people go, stand-up comedy is so hard, and I'm thinking, you're playing a 12-string guitar. | ||
| Like this neurosurgeon friend of mine. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I know people laugh. | ||
| We can't have a neurosurgeon friend because we're like joke monkeys. | ||
| That's not what I meant. | ||
| Just go ahead, because I know what you're going to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead. | |
| Well, he says, I can never do what you do. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I mean, while he's in neurosurgery, I mean, that's hilarious. | ||
| He said, but he said, I can never do what you do. | ||
| I said, but at least you can kid around a little. | ||
| You can kid around with your family, make people... | ||
| I can't do a little neurosurgery. | ||
| Yeah, that's funny. | ||
| It's true, though. | ||
| You can't pop into the ORE. Guess who's getting their head cracked open? | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that wish they were funny. | ||
| There's a lot of really staid... | ||
| A lot of people think they're funny, too. | ||
| Some people think they're funny, but there's a lot of people that wish they were. | ||
| And just for whatever reason, they can't figure out how to do that. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Do they take themselves too seriously? | ||
| I think they're deluded a lot of times that... | ||
| There was a guy, he said, you know, I'd like to be a comedian. | ||
| He goes, but I'm not funny. | ||
| I go, well, you know, I'd like to be a fucking trapeze artist, but I'm not very acrobatic. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, if you're not funny, how can you be a comedian? | ||
| And we know a lot of comedians that aren't funny, but they're successful because they know some of the tricks and they're good looking or they're good at marketing themselves, you know. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that. | ||
| There's a lot of people that get to a certain level and you're like, wow. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You got that far. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With that, you know? | ||
| But they like piece together and act based on what they think is relevant right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, there's certain key things you can always say and get applauses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially like if you're doing like a specific ethnic culture thing. | ||
| Say like you're doing like a Latino. | ||
| Oh, brother. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| You know, you say a couple Spanish words and you get like a big thing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You see it with any kind. | ||
| I see it with Italians. | ||
| I see it with blacks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, what's up with that? | ||
| What's up, you know? | ||
| Man, and the white guy. | ||
| Dom, that's a really good black person. | ||
| That's really good. | ||
| Are you serious, Joe? | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty good. | ||
| I thought it was a black guy in the room with me for a second. | ||
| You close your eyes. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up with that? | |
| What's up with people who say what's up? | ||
| Holy cow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dom was the host of one of the first TV shows I was over on, too. | ||
| Remember we did that thing in Montreal? | ||
| Was it Comedy from the Danger Zone or something like that? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| That was fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember bringing you up. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| Montreal. | ||
| That was one of the best festivals ever. | ||
| That was a fun festival. | ||
| I love that city. | ||
| It's a great city. | ||
| Talk about fucking hot girls. | ||
| Oh lord. | ||
| My goodness. | ||
| Even the ugly sister is beautiful. | ||
| There's a lot of pretty, pretty girls up there. | ||
| My goodness. | ||
| It's amazing too. | ||
| Selfie was pretty, wasn't she? | ||
| My selfie? | ||
| Very pretty. | ||
| What's amazing is that right below that is monsters. | ||
| It's fucking Maine. | ||
| It's monsters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Monsters. | ||
| I know, you know. | ||
| Not all monsters. | ||
| Ladies. | ||
| Don't get mad. | ||
| I met some pretty girls in Maine. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| Look, when I go home, after living in Hollywood, and you see the staff at a Laugh Factory. | ||
| You haven't been there a while. | ||
| Our staff could be like girls at a Laugh Factory. | ||
| They're so beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Right? | ||
| I don't know who's hiring them, but it's either a woman who's not jealous of other women or a man, because they're beautiful. | ||
| And I go back to where I'm from. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| It's not like I'm so hot. | ||
| I'm kind of cute in a way. | ||
| But people look like extras from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Like they're shuffling around and shit. | ||
| You get used to this level of beauty that's out here. | ||
| It's a weird level of beauty, too. | ||
| It's like a... | ||
| Really hard to maintain level. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know Katana? | ||
| Katana, the Japanese restaurant? | ||
| Next to the store? | ||
| Is that the place next to the store? | ||
| We were in Jones one night, me and my friend. | ||
| And he says, man, she's hot, huh? | ||
| I go, yeah, she's really hot, but she ain't Katana hot. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, there's all levels. | ||
| You go in there, and it's like the international beauties. | ||
| There's a black chick. | ||
| There's an American Indian. | ||
| There's an Indian Indian. | ||
| There's a white girl. | ||
| Ridiculously hot Asian girl with a star tattoo over her eyebrow or something. | ||
| You're like, whoa. | ||
| Am I in a real movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I ever date another girl, I'm going way low. | |
| I'm going way low, like Olive Garden Ugly. | ||
| Like, I'm not getting katana hot. | ||
| I think it's just, I think I just need to be taken care of for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You know, like I did all these girls where I'm like having to like be a certain person and I do like a bunch of shit, like a lot of maintenance involved with dating hot girls. | ||
| What kind of shit are you having to do? | ||
| You know, like, just, I don't know, try harder. | ||
| What? | ||
| Try harder? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I'm just tired of trying so hard. | ||
| If I ever break up with my girl or whatever, and then like, I think the next girl on my day is going to be a girl like in a wheelchair or something. | ||
| Wait a minute, do you have a girl now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah, a little here and there. | ||
| It's complicated. | ||
| It's complicated. | ||
| So I don't understand what you're saying. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| You just want to be taken care of? | ||
| You don't want to try? | ||
| You don't want to move so much? | ||
| I'm dating people way out of my league, and so I think I need to go back to the minor leagues. | ||
| Well, what is wrong with... | ||
| What's going wrong with dating people out of your league? | ||
| Besides the disbelief while you're fucking them. | ||
| What the hell is wrong with this person? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| It's allowing me to fuck you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it besides that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| Besides reality. | ||
| You let things slide more, I guess. | ||
| Oh, you let things slide with them. | ||
| Like they get shitty with you and you take it because they're hot as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm not talking about my current situation at all. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| I'm just saying in general... | ||
| I've been thinking about it a lot lately. | ||
| Someone has to appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. | ||
| If there's any sort of an imbalance like that, like if someone feels like they can shit on you because you won't do anything because they have the upper hand in the relationship because you'll never break up with them. | ||
| There's a lot of people that get in those kind of relationships and it's fucking stupid. | ||
| That's a shit way to live your life. | ||
| It's a cowardly way to live your life. | ||
| And that's why a lot of damaged girls will date guys that are way under them. | ||
| And they do it on purpose to make sure that guy's not going anywhere. | ||
| And a lot of times they'll meet some other dude and fuck him on the side. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| I'm looking for a damaged girl. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| I need somebody flawed because at my age, I can't go out with women my age. | ||
| I'm going to go, come on, Grandma, flip over. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So I'm attracted to girls in their 20s. | ||
| I'm a lot older, obviously. | ||
| So it never stops. | ||
| No, but I mean what I'm saying is I need somebody with issues. | ||
| I need somebody with daddy issues or flawed in some way or is so enamored by my talent they don't look at me like the Mongolian look that I am. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You got an Inuit thing going on. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Joe, look how I thought my face got from eating and drinking. | ||
| But I see you're actually trying to watch your diet now. | ||
| I mean, you had the chorizo and eggs. | ||
| Yeah, for one meal. | ||
| You asked for egg whites. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| You asked for egg whites. | ||
| That's going to counteract the chorizo. | ||
| Yeah, I did the same thing. | ||
| Egg whites and sausage. | ||
| Jerry's Deli is so delicious, though. | ||
| It's hard, you know? | ||
| You're going to have a cheat meal every now and then. | ||
| That's a good place to do it. | ||
| That's how Norm's is for me, man. | ||
| It's so close to the comedy store. | ||
| It's open 24 hours a day. | ||
| Fucking strawberry waffles, egg whites. | ||
| The best place on Sunset is the standard. | ||
| They still have the same kind of food. | ||
| I don't like it anymore. | ||
| No, it's changed. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| They add the tip to it, your food. | ||
| And I just looked at it the other day and I'm like, wait, how long have they been doing this? | ||
| Did they just kind of put the tip into your total? | ||
| So I've been double tipping for like a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| Good. | ||
| You did well. | ||
| Good job. | ||
| I just don't like people that do that. | ||
| Yeah, well, they probably had to do it because so many fucking drunks come out of that bar. | ||
| Well, also people, Europeans and French Canadians. | ||
| Yeah, and that is sort of an international sort of a joint. | ||
| Now that makes sense. | ||
| They know everything about our culture, and then all of a sudden they don't know about tipping. | ||
| Yeah, that's an alien to them. | ||
| It's a funny thing how that's alien. | ||
| They know. | ||
| A lot of them know and they use it as an excuse. | ||
| Yeah, but it's weird. | ||
| You've been to England and Ireland? | ||
| Of course, many times. | ||
| When you tip over there, they look at you like, what the fuck are you doing, lad? | ||
| I had an American. | ||
| You know, remember Rich Hall? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He said to me, I tipped in Scotland. | ||
| He goes, don't tip these people. | ||
| You're going to ruin it for all of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Japan, you don't tip in Japan. | ||
| Oh, no? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get mad. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| Who else does it besides Americans? | ||
| Do the French tip? | ||
| No, right? | ||
| 10% maybe. | ||
| 10%? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, French is different. | ||
| Well, I mean, there's a thing there on there for a tip in a lot of the credit cards. | ||
| Well, even Canadians are different because Canadians don't tip as much as Americans. | ||
| Because, you know, waitress... | ||
| Nobody tips as much as Americans. | ||
| Waitress told me that that was her nickname for black people was Canadians because they didn't tip just like Canadians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| Yeah, that's an interesting phenomenon that the black culture does not tip. | ||
| It's not the black culture, but it is a portion of it, for sure. | ||
| No, I mean, generally, of course, all black. | ||
| I mean, I've been out with Charles Barkley to be a name dropper, and he's ridiculous, ridiculously generous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's a very generous guy. | |
| This kid was late with the food. | ||
| Did you ever hear this story? | ||
| No. | ||
| The kid was late with the food. | ||
| It took him a long time. | ||
| Charles gave him a Rolex. | ||
| He goes, here, maybe this will help you keep time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| He's a cool dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is, unfortunately, a stereotype, though, that fits. | ||
| There's a video online of this girl who gets back from a restaurant. | ||
| I think it's called, like, Why I Got a Tip. | ||
| Have you ever seen it? | ||
| It's got millions of hits. | ||
| And the fucking comments was a race war. | ||
| The goddamn comments were a race war. | ||
| And she's just being an ignorant dumbass and just flaunting it on camera like, wow, I got a tip. | ||
| Who says I got a tip? | ||
| And someone came out and ran out and met her in the parking lot and said, hey, you know, you shouldn't be stiffing us. | ||
| And it's like, have you ever seen it? | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Because you want to hear it. | ||
| Look up why I got a tip. | ||
| Look up why I got a tip on YouTube. | ||
| Joe, the waitresses tell me how, like a lot of times, the black girls are mean to them. | ||
| When they're in the audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And my theory on that, tell me what you think, is that black women get stiffed a lot culturally and by a lot of black men because part of like a success in some eyes of some black men is to have a white chick. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So like they're part of the culture until they become a celebrity or something and then they got this tall Nordic blonde with them. | ||
| On some... | ||
| Does it say why I got a tip? | ||
| Why I got a tip. | ||
| Why the fuck I got a tip. | ||
| I think it's that one. | ||
| No, that's re-why the fuck I got a tip. | ||
| Look up whatever she's referring to. | ||
| That's the one it is. | ||
| Why the fuck I got a tip. | ||
| I like how it's expressed. | ||
| You know, it's unfortunate that any culture would have an inclination towards being stingy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| I think, you know... | ||
| The best thing that could ever happen to people in the black community that get accused of this is for it to become embarrassing. | ||
| For it to become ridiculous. | ||
| Before it's like everybody should realize that the only way to prosperity is through generosity. | ||
| If you're not a generous person, you're probably not going to get anywhere. | ||
| And that you're really holding yourself back by not being kind and not being generous to other people. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a shitty aspect of any culture. | ||
| But this one chick, do you find it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why the fuck? | |
| You see, those are all re's. | ||
| R-E's. | ||
| Why the fuck I got a tip? | ||
| You just gotta do a search for why the fuck I got a tip. | ||
| Jay, you gotta get rid of this kid. | ||
| He doesn't even have a goddamn laptop. | ||
| He's got this silly iPad thingy. | ||
| He thinks he's slick. | ||
| It might just be not on. | ||
| I don't even need it anymore. | ||
| It's on, man. | ||
| It might not be on YouTube anymore. | ||
| It might have been on something else. | ||
| Oh, you mean you think she pulled it down? | ||
| See, I think it's called Why the Fuck I Gotta Talk. | ||
| Yeah, those are all re's. | ||
| You think somebody pulled it down? | ||
| Well, people were so mad at her, she probably did pull it down. | ||
| Anyway, whatever. | ||
| It's unfortunate. | ||
| And then, you know, I'll say this on the podcast, and I'll get a bunch of things on Twitter. | ||
| Why did you say that, man? | ||
| People angry at me. | ||
| A lot of black people, too. | ||
| Of course they do. | ||
| Of course they do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You tell me that a lot of them don't? | |
| Yes. | ||
| A lot of them don't, too. | ||
| Well, that's our experience from living in clubs for the last 20 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it's also true of the British and the Canadians. | ||
| Italians are generous, I've got to say, being Italian. | ||
| They want to make sure people are looking, though. | ||
| Yeah, I got it. | ||
| I'm over here. | ||
| Yeah, we'll wrestle for a fucking check, you and I. So I'm in Hilarities next week. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| Cleveland. | ||
| You never went there? | ||
| Hilarities in Cleveland. | ||
| No. | ||
| What did I do? | ||
| I did the improv once in Cleveland. | ||
| You'd love Hilarities. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Good place? | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I rarely get to Cleveland. | ||
| I've only been there once with Charlie Murphy and Hefron. | ||
| We were touring across the country together. | ||
| Oh, I like Hefron. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would like Charlie Murphy too. | ||
| Yeah, I never met Charlie. | ||
| I'd like to meet him. | ||
| Yeah, he's got an interesting story. | ||
| Here's a guy, you want to have fucking balls? | ||
| He got on the Chappelle Show when he was in his 40s. | ||
| Okay, he had no success up to that, really, you know, a little bit here and there, but really was struggling. | ||
| Got on the Chappelle Show and all of a sudden started doing stand-up and started headlining, like, within a couple of months. | ||
| Oh, my God, that's impossible. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Sure it's not this one? | ||
| Uh, nope. | ||
| It's a black check. | ||
| That's a white check. | ||
| Yeah, because they even want to do it. | ||
| Well, maybe it doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| Maybe she pulled it down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Yeah, she did. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, the point is, it's unfortunate when people are shitheads. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And what was your theory about the black girls? | ||
| Do they get shafted in life? | ||
| No, I think sometimes they get bitter because they find that a lot of the black men become successful. | ||
| This is not a generalization. | ||
| I mean, this is a generalization, obviously, but sometimes they find getting a white woman is an armpiece and a sign of success. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird thing, isn't it? | ||
| Or maybe they just like the way it looks. | ||
| Or maybe they just want to fuck it to the man. | ||
| Maybe they just think of it as some white dude who suppressed them's daughter. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| All that fantasy going on. | ||
| Daddy pounding it. | ||
| Do you think that's it, Brian? | ||
| You keep nodding. | ||
| I'm just trying to think of something right now. | ||
| How big your next girlfriend's going to be? | ||
| No. | ||
| $1.70, $1.80? | ||
| I love him going back to an average girl. | ||
| I've got to get myself an average or less than average girl. | ||
| So I'm dating porn stars. | ||
| The girl that I lost my virginity to added me on Facebook today. | ||
| What fucking funny is porn star, the term, when you figure they could suck two cocks for the first time, never star. | ||
| Imagine the rest of show business is that easy. | ||
| I don't remember being called a comedy star when I did The Tonight Show. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I had done HBO specials, all this shit. | ||
| They didn't call me a comedy star. | ||
| They called me a comedian. | ||
| You were a comedy star. | ||
| Yeah, that is interesting. | ||
| It's like we're so uncomfortable with sex that when we throw the word porn around, we have to have something nice about it. | ||
| Star. | ||
| Porn star. | ||
| Rock it like a porn star. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Oh, he's a rock star. | ||
| Do you still watch a lot of porn? | ||
| No, I try not to. | ||
| It's all about camming nowadays. | ||
| What about you? | ||
| No, but it's... | ||
| I try not to, but there was a worm that came out. | ||
| A Trojan. | ||
| Oh yeah, you were telling me. | ||
| Half a million. | ||
| Yeah, you freaked me the fuck out last night. | ||
| You should get freaked out. | ||
| Turn your java off, son. | ||
| You know what helped me was blood pressure medication. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Because with blood pressure medication, it lowers your libido. | ||
| So now I feel just like I'm kind of Irish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Just like I'm healthy sexually, but not like a fucking monkey who has to fuck everything all the time. | ||
| Italian genetics. | ||
| Yeah, I mean literally. | ||
| We both have those wonky Sicilian genetics. | ||
| Yeah, we have that like after you get done fucking, you go home and jerk off thinking about what you just did. | ||
| That's how much fucking sex. | ||
| I remember Sophie turning to me going, how much do you need? | ||
| Can you just play with my ass while I'm asleep? | ||
| Wow, is that what she said? | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Getting a little too comfortable with you, Dom. | ||
| Is it because of the Alfredo? | ||
| Chicken Alfredo? | ||
| Just all the Alfredo sauce? | ||
| Yeah, that's what Italians are known for. | ||
| Alfredo sauce. | ||
| It's caveman genetics. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's very simple. | ||
| We look like trolls. | ||
| We're short, wide people. | ||
| That's Sicilian look. | ||
| Wide, fathead people. | ||
| We want to fuck a lot. | ||
| Remember Christy? | ||
| Remember Christy, the redhead? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She had a great body. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We're going to the Wayback Machine with Don Rivera's penis. | ||
| Boners from the past. | ||
| Get out of my way. | ||
| Back when I got hard-ons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remembered the boner of 95. Back in the dizzy. | |
| I just got silk sheets. | ||
| Have your own silk sheets? | ||
| No, because I'm a man. | ||
| What's one of those things is like, why have I ever done this before? | ||
| It is amazing. | ||
| Why would you ever have regular sheets? | ||
| It's like you're laying there. | ||
| It's like laying in a silky vagina. | ||
| Are you alone doing this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nice though. | ||
| I like to get it out of my head. | ||
| You're lying alone, naked. | ||
| Do you take your underwear off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember those blankets that have the silkies on the end? | |
| Remember the blankets that have the silkies on the end? | ||
| You used to put it against your cheek when you were a baby and all that stuff. | ||
| Imagine a whole blanket made out of that silky and you're laying in it. | ||
| That stuff was real silk. | ||
| I can't even imagine it. | ||
| It's so amazing. | ||
| It's only like $40 on Amazon. | ||
| I highly recommend it. | ||
| Just buy some silk sheets. | ||
| You'll never buy regular sheets again, I don't think. | ||
| Look at you, Brian. | ||
| Do you do it all naked? | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| Who goes and buys sheets? | ||
| Can you imagine Joe going out and buying sheets? | ||
| You have to buy something. | ||
| Can you rub yourself to orgasm just with your penis on the sheets? | ||
| Probably could, yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's really soft. | ||
| So where do you get these? | ||
| Amazon. | ||
| Amazon. | ||
| They're satin sheets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Picture Dom naked. | |
| Just arms flopping back and forth. | ||
| Like a seal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Will you come for me? | |
| I always love when they always say, will you come for me? | ||
| You know what that means? | ||
| I'm getting tired of jerking you off. | ||
| Get off me, you fucking freak. | ||
| Crazy asshole. | ||
| I hope next week South Park's all about this. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Paparazzi gang and silk sheets. | ||
| Come on, Trey. | ||
| You don't think people are really listening? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I think that would be so cool. | ||
| It would be hilarious. | ||
| Because the week before... | ||
| I think anybody who watches it, no one knows what we're talking about. | ||
| We talked about this Bigfoot show, and then they talked about it on South Park, and someone on our message board said, oh, someone from South Park probably heard you guys talking about it. | ||
| I'm like, but hold on, but anybody who watches that Bigfoot show is going to get the same jokes. | ||
| Yeah, but you're only missing half of it, though. | ||
| What? | ||
| Well, also in that episode, supposedly, I haven't seen this episode... | ||
| But supposedly there was a part where he's like, don't just eat your buttholes all day or something like that, Cartman says. | ||
| And then the week before, I have this whole thing at Death Squad where I take a piece of bread and I take the cat bread where I tell my fans to send me photos of them taking a piece of bread, taking a hole out of the middle of the bread and then putting their cat head through it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I've been doing it for about a month or so. | ||
| And then that last week's episode was all about like fucking cap redding and shit like that. | ||
| About doing that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wait a minute, you invented that? | ||
| No, I didn't invent it, but it was definitely a lot of people, like a really small niche of the internet, you know? | ||
| But they're on the internet too. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| I'm just saying that it's kind of funny that that's something that I've been doing like a lot lately on Twitter. | ||
| I'm not clear though. | ||
| Are you accusing them of watching you and then copy? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Here's what I'm saying. | ||
| Last week's episode, it was really weird watching it, because for the last month, that's what I've been doing on Twitter nonstop. | ||
| So it was kind of cool to see that. | ||
| And then this week, I heard that they were talking about Bigfoot and itching assholes, and I'm like, this is getting cool. | ||
| I hope everything that we talk about becomes a South Park episode. | ||
| Well, now, what they're going to do is an episode about a retard radio host who can't get his facts straight and blames Cartman for something he didn't really do. | ||
| Olive Garden Bubble. | ||
| Did you say cat breading? | ||
| Cat breading. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| Are you talking about breeding? | ||
| Breading. | ||
| No, you take the crust of a bread and you make a hole in it and then put your cat's head through it and you take a photo. | ||
| He's a grown man. | ||
| Isn't that strange? | ||
| They don't make people like him in Philly, do they? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Where are you from? | ||
| Mid-West. | ||
| Ohio. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Columbus. | ||
| I love Columbus. | ||
| I love Columbus, too. | ||
| Growing up, I only knew one Italian. | ||
| It was my dad's best friend, and he lives in, I think, Pittsburgh. | ||
| And the only time I'd ever go to Pittsburgh, back and forth, once a year, we'd go and they'd have this huge party where he just invites all his families. | ||
| It was like the coolest thing ever. | ||
| That's how I know Italians for my first time, was that they would just have these huge parties with hundreds of family members once a year. | ||
| And we were invited to that all the time. | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| That's my first introduction to Italians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know why I just brought that up. | |
| The Italian-American Society comes to see me every year at Columbus at the Funny Bone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And so they invite me to dinner the day I come in, which is Wednesday. | ||
| And it's always fun. | ||
| Do you know Dino? | ||
| Do you know who hosts one of the shows? | ||
| You've done the Funny Bone, haven't you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Anyway, so I go to this thing, and it's an Italian club, and long story short, a fight fucking breaks out at a club. | ||
| But they're all club members. | ||
| It wasn't like a club, like a club opening to the public. | ||
| They're having a vote for... | ||
| The president gets up and starts talking, and this one guy goes, you know... | ||
| It escalated so quickly, like one of those, what the fuck are you looking at? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Who are you calling nothing? | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| You know, that kind of like, you know what I mean? | ||
| I'm like, we're real close to it. | ||
| It was like, you know what you were saying about how you've seen things, like how unflappable you are, like you've seen things right next to you and it doesn't even faze you? | ||
| Like the violence? | ||
| Oh yeah, I've seen so many fights. | ||
| Well, that's what happened here, but it was such an unlikely place because it was like everybody's cheering each other. | ||
| They're either Italian or have to have some connection to Italy, you know, whatever. | ||
| And a real fight broke out. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| Do you want a piece of this? | ||
| I always thought that was one of the more unfortunate aspects of our culture. | ||
| Italian-Americans are very prone to violence. | ||
| Very prone to fist fights. | ||
| Italians and Irish. | ||
| Yeah, Italians and Irish. | ||
| You got some Irish in you, right? | ||
| Yeah, I got the best of both worlds. | ||
| Three quarters Italian, one quarter Irish. | ||
| Yeah, they're always like, what the fuck are you looking at? | ||
| There's always a lot of that. | ||
| Especially the East Coast. | ||
| All those scruffy immigrants raised kids that carried a lot of those same mentalities. | ||
| The East Coast is definitely more hostile. | ||
| Do people ever ask you about the mob like you know it because you're part of it? | ||
| Do they ever ask you? | ||
| No. | ||
| I get it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Well, because of where I'm from and like, you know, like, I lived in a poor black neighborhood in West Philadelphia. | ||
| We moved from an Italian neighborhood. | ||
| I mean, like, we were really connected to the mob. | ||
| Yeah, we're undercover, you know, that's why we're in this row home in a black neighborhood. | ||
| But, because we were the oppressed whites, you know, which was a very interesting perspective of life because people don't ever think about what about the white kids that were let back In a tough black neighborhood. | ||
| I was lucky because I played ball and they were all my friends. | ||
| But you couldn't walk through there, just like a black kid couldn't walk through the Italian neighborhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Isn't that fucked up? | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked up. | ||
| When are we going to move past that? | ||
| And when you know the people, you like them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, of course. | ||
| It's like any other community. | ||
| It's all about deciding who's going to be nice to who. | ||
| You decide that these are the people you're going to be nice to, and you're not going to be nice to those assholes over there. | ||
| We were talking about how we were in Kentucky. | ||
| We were in Louisville, and Louisville was playing Louisville and Kentucky. | ||
| Oh yeah, how did that go when they were playing? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| They started a riot and Oh yeah, what the fuck is that about? | ||
| Lit cars on fire and shit. | ||
| But the crazy thing is, it's Louisville versus Kentucky. | ||
| It's like you assholes. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| You're in the same goddamn state. | ||
| It's a fucking civil war. | ||
| This is the most preposterous thing ever. | ||
| Yeah, well, like the same thing with Auburn and Alabama. | ||
| It took a tornado to blow through Tuscaloosa for those people to get in touch with each other. | ||
| They're all the same people. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They're so prone to hate the neighbor or hate the Hatfields and the McCoys. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I mean, I said on stage about Michigan. | ||
| Columbus is in the Ohio State's home. | ||
| Screw Blue, man. | ||
| Why are you even talking about that? | ||
| Yeah, I've had people from Columbus shit on people from Cincinnati. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Fuck Michigan. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Why do you hate them? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Just hate them. | ||
| Meanwhile, we're all supposed to be Americans. | ||
| It's all preposterous. | ||
| All these stupid fucking states. | ||
| You see Little Leaguer's mother's banging out. | ||
| Preposterous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said it. | |
| You did say it. | ||
| I can't help myself. | ||
| You must be a Michigan guy. | ||
| He has a very prodigious vocabulary. | ||
| It's preposterous has been the word of the month. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Yeah, I've been blasting it out every time it comes into my stupid head. | ||
| It's preposterous. | ||
| It gets into a groove where you can't stop saying it. | ||
| You go through words, though, definitely, because I remember we used to say powerful, and we used to say something else, like carrots or something. | ||
| Joe was the first one I ever heard say whatever. | ||
| Bananas. | ||
| Instead of whatever. | ||
| You were the first one that made that inflection, and it spread all over the valley. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| You did. | ||
| You were the first one. | ||
| Are you being serious? | ||
| I thought you were joking. | ||
| You're the first one I ever heard say it. | ||
| And then everybody started saying it, and then you didn't say it as much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What did I say? | ||
| I don't understand what you're saying. | ||
| You know, you'd be talking about something that would piss you off, and you know, whatever. | ||
| Instead of saying whatever, you made that beat. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| And then I didn't know I did that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I really have no idea. | ||
| Joe, I know you so much better. | ||
| You did know me very well, my friend. | ||
| We've known each other a long time. | ||
| Tell me more, tell me more. | ||
| We've known each other since the 90s, the early 90s. | ||
| I think we met in like 93. Back in the day. | ||
| When I was living in New York. | ||
| Remember we met at Caroline's or at Amsterdam Billiards once, too. | ||
| We just ran into each other. | ||
| Dom and Rara can shoot a hell of a game of pool, I'll tell you that. | ||
| I'm going to start saying that, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Whatever. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Dude, it's the pause that makes it so uniquely mine. | ||
| That pause in the middle of whatever, that's where all the brilliance lies. | ||
| You know, you used to crack me up when people would go to me, like, whatever, like, you know, like, you're going to take credit for like that, and you were the first one I heard, but like, people would say to me, doesn't it bother you that the Sopranos do bada boom, bada bing? | ||
| I go, no. | ||
| They go, but you did it before them. | ||
| I go, because I was around before the show started. | ||
| I didn't make up acting Italian. | ||
| I didn't make up forget about it. | ||
| Well, I was the first one that said forget about it. | ||
| I had the nastiest thing happen to me last night. | ||
| I dropped my iPhone in my beer. | ||
| And so I pulled it out real fast. | ||
| And then I just did the first thing I thought of. | ||
| I'll suck all the beer out of the iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I'm sucking the holes as hard as I could. | |
| And shit was coming in my mouth. | ||
| But then like something, like a slime thing flew my mouth. | ||
| I'm like, was that earwax or what the fuck was it? | ||
| So I don't know if it was orange for my Hefeweizen or if it was... | ||
| Battery acid. | ||
| Earwax. | ||
| You had a Hefeweizen, dude. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| It was a piece of orange. | ||
| No, but I was like... | ||
| Yeah, you got your beer. | ||
| It's simple. | ||
| Orange. | ||
| I'm going to be your Columbo on this one. | ||
| Joe, what's wrong with this one? | ||
| I got your case solved. | ||
| What's wrong with him? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. | ||
| I've been working with this fucking asshole for a decade. | ||
| He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. | ||
| He thinks it's me. | ||
| He's like, you know, you're just tense. | ||
| You're from the East Coast. | ||
| You're crazy with all that karate. | ||
| See, the interesting thing is the word retarded can be misused. | ||
| But there is something, in all due respect, there's something retard-esque about you. | ||
| Even that vacant look that he has. | ||
| Yeah, it's my age difference. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You mean everybody your age acts like that? | ||
| A lot of 37-year-olds are rocking it like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you 37? | |
| Yeah, I'm 37 and I rock it like a 22-year-old, which is different. | ||
| You rock what? | ||
| What do you rock? | ||
| I'm rocking a Nintendo shirt right now. | ||
| Do you think I want to... | ||
| He's a man-child. | ||
| You know what a man-child is? | ||
| A lot of them work in the computer game industry, a lot of man-child in the comic book world. | ||
| You need to know what your target market is. | ||
| How did you get this gig? | ||
| I mean, of all the people Joe knows, what the fuck are you doing over there? | ||
| I'm ones and zeros. | ||
| By the way, I remember I started dropping a one or a zero in normal conversation just to put code into actually communication. | ||
| Well, do you know what you're saying, though? | ||
| What if you have the fucking... | ||
| One or zero. | ||
| What's the blueprints for a nuclear bomb? | ||
| What if, at the end of the time, when someone deciphers all your fucking sentences for the month, they figure out a nuclear bomb? | ||
| Seven. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One. | |
| Stop. | ||
| It's not seven, dummy. | ||
| It's one or zero. | ||
| You can't say seven. | ||
| You fucked up your own code. | ||
| You're a sloppy code writer. | ||
| You're a sloppy code writer. | ||
| Seven's the new shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is what I deal with, Don. | ||
| Don, I'm sorry. | ||
| You could do better. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| No, no, you're good. | ||
| You think I could do better? | ||
| I think he needs some work. | ||
| What do you think I should do with him? | ||
| I would cut his hours down. | ||
| Cut his air time down? | ||
| And so that he, when he comes in, he's more focused. | ||
| That's podcasting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do understand we smoke a shitload of weed before we do this. | |
| This is Joe Rogan weed, so you get to see it. | ||
| Do you have a medical thing for that, Joe? | ||
| That's what's important. | ||
| We both do. | ||
| What do you have to say that your ailment is? | ||
| How do you get medical... | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| Entertainment. | ||
| What's right with them? | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| I need to be... | ||
| What's fine? | ||
| What's yours, Joe? | ||
| Anxiety? | ||
| What's good? | ||
| Mine's anxiety. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I sleep in the whole world. | ||
| Does that help? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it doesn't help me. | ||
| I don't have anxiety. | ||
| I do have... | ||
| It definitely helps me go to sleep. | ||
| It makes food taste better. | ||
| Do the lights just blink or do I pass it out? | ||
| I think the lights just blinked. | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| Do I pass it out? | ||
| It helps if you've got injuries. | ||
| If you're achy, it makes you feel a little bit better. | ||
| It relaxes you. | ||
| I find it relaxes my muscles. | ||
| I like Xanax. | ||
| You don't like the weed? | ||
| No, I don't like smoke. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You can eat it, you know. | ||
| You can eat it too, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| No need to attack me. | ||
| What are you getting so aggressive for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did I do? | |
| You said you haven't smoked weed, though, for a very long time, though. | ||
| Since the Beatles were out. | ||
| And if you take so much Xanax, you might just take a hit once just to see if it does anything for you. | ||
| Any of the new stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Any of the devils? | |
| No, I mean, because this is a cheaper alternative that will probably... | ||
| I drink a lot, though. | ||
| No, I'm doing good. | ||
| I drink a lot. | ||
| The way you said it was like, I drink my vitamins. | ||
| Do you drink every day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like Ed McMahon style? | ||
| I do. | ||
| And I'm hungover every day, which is really a testament to my comedy because it's great. | ||
| That's the great thing about being a comedian. | ||
| You can actually function. | ||
| I'm way more, Joe, than when we hung out a lot. | ||
| I'm way more alcoholic than I was. | ||
| Because I graduated to hard liquor. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Is this because of a girl? | ||
| I don't know where to go from here. | ||
| No, because my girl, my sister died, a couple other things. | ||
| But I find it to be a really fun habit. | ||
| I don't like to hang over, but I time it. | ||
| I go, well, if I go to sleep, take a half of Xanax, in six hours I'll be alright. | ||
| I'm a little dizzy from the combination of the tranquilizer and the alcohol, but I do feel better. | ||
| Are you supposed to take those two together? | ||
| No. | ||
| How bad is it for you? | ||
| Well, it could stop your heart. | ||
| And you're like, wow, it's worth it? | ||
| No, that's why I keep the time in between them. | ||
| Like six to eight hours. | ||
| I made that up. | ||
| I totally made it up. | ||
| I'm thinking that's what it should be. | ||
| The alcohol metabolizes it about that much. | ||
| If I'm drunk, I don't take anything. | ||
| If I feel drunk, I wait until I feel... | ||
| But if you take the Xanax and you're under the effects of it, sometimes you'll have a couple drinks? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Not usually. | ||
| I mean, not usually. | ||
| So it's one or the other. | ||
| On a plane, maybe. | ||
| Yeah, it's one or the other. | ||
| Hoping there's a doctor on board? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What are the odds? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You shouldn't do that. | ||
| You should switch to weed. | ||
| Get off my back, will you? | ||
| You didn't even know me, man. | ||
| What is the main reason why you're doing this? | ||
| What is the main reason for Xanax? | ||
| Xanax is for anxiety. | ||
| Anxiety, yeah. | ||
| What kind of anxiety? | ||
| You know, just like panic attacks. | ||
| When did these start? | ||
| When I was four. | ||
| For real? | ||
| This is a lifelong thing? | ||
| I was being raped by my entire family. | ||
| They passed me around the room. | ||
| And they plugged me. | ||
| Like a joint. | ||
| You're a fleshlight. | ||
| Like a joint. | ||
| They just start pumping on me. | ||
| I always had anxiety. | ||
| I went to a psychiatrist when I was in seventh grade. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I did not know any of this. | ||
| Well, that's why I'm here, to reveal myself. | ||
| I'll be at Hilarity's next week. | ||
| And you can see me at Captain Brian's the following, two weeks from there. | ||
| It's on my show. | ||
| You went to a psychiatrist? | ||
| Yeah, my mother sent me a psychiatrist. | ||
| And what was it for? | ||
| I was in love with him. | ||
| No, I'm kidding. | ||
| It was for anxiety, panic attacks. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I have all the same things. | ||
| I went to the hospital about a year and a half ago. | ||
| I had to pull over and call 911 on myself because of an anxiety attack. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It cost me a lot of money. | ||
| See, now I feel bad. | ||
| I hope you know I was kidding you. | ||
| He was high as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, you've actually started something. | ||
| It's already starting to hit me. | ||
| Yeah, but you were high as fuck when you pulled over. | ||
| No, I wasn't. | ||
| I just didn't eat all day. | ||
| But didn't you get high? | ||
| Did you hallucinate? | ||
| Yeah, I was. | ||
| I was starting to see trails and stuff. | ||
| I felt like I was having a heart attack the whole time. | ||
| Yeah, that's a typical symptom of that. | ||
| Like, and I was like holding my neck and I could feel my heartbeat. | ||
| But the thing that I didn't like is I called the ambulance and they were like, yeah, there's something wrong. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, now looking back, I'm like, well, how do they know? | ||
| You might have had a heart attack. | ||
| I mean, they didn't know you were having a panic attack. | ||
| I love these people that think they have heart attacks. | ||
| They don't have chest pains. | ||
| They don't even know what a fucking heart attack is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You gotta have chest pains to have a heart attack. | ||
| I get those too. | ||
| Yeah, you would think so. | ||
| I would, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| As a smoker, I get those too sometimes, you know. | ||
| He's a smoker too. | ||
| Oh, you smoke cigarettes? | ||
| Yeah, a lot. | ||
| Do you work out? | ||
| Oh, no, I don't know. | ||
| I'm pretty much like you. | ||
| I have a hangover every day. | ||
| No, I work out though. | ||
| I work out. | ||
| I work out. | ||
| I domercize. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It's very low impact. | ||
| You can actually eat while you're doing it. | ||
| It's a form of... | ||
| I watch myself on a video just exercising and I exercise to that. | ||
| Oh, dom. | ||
| I consider masturbation working out though. | ||
| Is this a bit? | ||
| No bit? | ||
| I think you might want to throw that one out. | ||
| It's never been in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought you... | |
| What'd you say about working out? | ||
| If you fuck pillows, that's like working out. | ||
| For you. | ||
| That's a concern. | ||
| It's like push-ups, kind of. | ||
| Any movement you do adds minutes to your life on this planet. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Especially for him, yeah. | ||
| Sure, he's one step on a grave, one banana peel. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Dead man. | ||
| Dead man walking. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Dead man walking. | ||
| He's not taking care of this vehicle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| He's just riding it and stuffing Cheetos into it. | ||
| He's a little pill. | ||
| I said beer and pussy juice. | ||
| The cigarettes are the real issue. | ||
| It's fucking unbelievably bad for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they are really bad. | ||
| You never get that, right? | ||
| Cigarettes, sixth grade. | ||
| I quit. | ||
| How long did you do it for? | ||
| You know, I used to get my grandfather would get samples, and I would smoke cigarettes one after another, and I'd go, fucking, that'd be so dizzy. | ||
| It was like, yeah. | ||
| Because I thought, you know, you get high by smoking just like one after another. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do. | |
| That's what I did. | ||
| But it's not a fun high. | ||
| You're dizzy, like you're lightheaded, you know. | ||
| You throw up. | ||
| I never threw up, but it is nauseating. | ||
| I threw up from chewing tobacco once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That shit's so gross. | |
| You know what's so gross? | ||
| The baseball players spit that shit, but it's on a rug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a rug. | ||
| It's not like grass where it gets absorbed into the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What is that? | ||
| Are they allowed to spit it on the astroturf? | ||
| They do. | ||
| You'll see them... | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's fucking nasty. | ||
| Remember that scene from Naked Gun or something where they all start spitting? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they're just hilarious. | ||
| Whoever fucking figured out how to do that? | ||
| Isn't it funny that that's legal? | ||
| Chewing tobacco but cocoa leaves aren't legal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is probably better for you. | ||
| Matter of fact, it's definitely better for you. | ||
| I don't think people are chewing cocoa leaves and getting cancer. | ||
| Have you ever seen these new cancer commercials they have? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They're scaring the fuck out of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you seen that one, Brian? | ||
| Yeah, they're pretty bad. | ||
| They all suck. | ||
| Especially when they have holes in their throats. | ||
| That doesn't make you want to quit smoking? | ||
| Black guys looking out of windows. | ||
| How long have you been smoking? | ||
| Since I was 15. But the idea of starting now, after all we've seen, that's really crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I should talk. | ||
| I'm drinking every day. | ||
| Like, I don't know if alcohol is bad for you. | ||
| But the idea of, like, thinking, you know, I think I'll start this. | ||
| I think I'll start this habit that I don't have yet. | ||
| Just, you know. | ||
| What made you start? | ||
| Because you're saying you're way more of an alcoholic now than you were now. | ||
| Well, it's a progressive disease, you know? | ||
| That's the fun thing about it. | ||
| You get better at it. | ||
| Do you ever decide to do anything about it? | ||
| Do you ever decide to slow down? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Whenever I'm hungover, I quit until that night. | ||
| We had a funny thing. | ||
| I was on a tour bus. | ||
| Remember when I was opening for Cher? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We had a funny thing. | ||
| I kidded this waitress at the Laugh Factory about it the other night. | ||
| Me and my friend Ollie, we never slept on the bus. | ||
| And we're drinking all night, and we gotta quit drinking. | ||
| Okay, this is it. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It's fucking killing our bodies. | ||
| And so in about an hour, we're sobering up and we go, you know, we haven't been drinking for a while. | ||
| It's great being sober. | ||
| What do you say we celebrate our sobriety with the drink? | ||
| So that was, you know, this girl the other night at the Lab Factory, we did something like, she goes, I'm not drinking tonight. | ||
| I said, me neither. | ||
| All right, we'll have one as a reward for not drinking. | ||
| You don't drink, huh? | ||
| I drink. | ||
| I don't drink a lot. | ||
| But when he does, he does. | ||
| I can throw it out. | ||
| You're a shot man. | ||
| I can do shots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like to try to keep as balanced as possible. | ||
| You can get addicted to just getting fucked up all the time and going on stage. | ||
| I don't like to go on stage fucked up. | ||
| I do this new thing that's really cool. | ||
| I really lose it. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Quickness, yeah. | ||
| How many times have you gone on stage fucked up accidentally though? | ||
| Maybe 10. Maybe 20. 50. That's the most. | ||
| You know what's bad is getting drunk if you're going to do an hour because you've got to pee. | ||
| You've got to really watch that. | ||
| That's true, yeah. | ||
| But I'm not better as a drunk because I'm not nervous doing stand-up. | ||
| So alcohol does me no good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It just dulls me and it slows the quickness down, the reaction a little bit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It throws your timing off. | ||
| I'm much better on coffee than I am on booze. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I don't have any fear of the stage. | ||
| I don't have any fear of... | ||
| I'm going to get you some of this Alpha Brain stuff. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Take it before you go on stage. | ||
| Take it like an hour before you go on stage. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's the stuff we're selling at Honest. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I got bottles of it. | ||
| I did something the other day that I started doing where I'll order vodka and Diet Coke, and then I'll tell the guy every three of them, make them just Diet Cokes. | ||
| So I don't even know when I'm doing it or not. | ||
| I felt drunk at the end of the night, and I was like, how many have I had? | ||
| And he's like, you've only had two, and you've been here for six hours, so you're fine. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So you couldn't have been drunk. | ||
| You're psychosomatic. | ||
| But it wasn't even like, I was like, am I drunk? | ||
| I don't even know if I'm drunk or not. | ||
| I was confused. | ||
| Is he retarded? | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| This is the first time you're hanging out with him. | ||
| No, like if you don't know if you're drinking alcohol, are you like, am I drunk? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| You know what he's like? | ||
| This is a contradiction in terms. | ||
| He's like a really bright retard. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| I don't know how else to put it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's exactly how my Facebook is. | |
| That's my motto. | ||
| That should be your new thing on your message board. | ||
| He doesn't have the happiness of a retarded kid, the joy that they have, the smile. | ||
| He's a pretty happy guy. | ||
| I can't hang out with him more. | ||
| He's hanging out with all his porn star friends. | ||
| You really fucking porn stars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah! | |
| Doesn't that you skeeve that they've been there? | ||
| Well, they're not the girl-girl porn stars. | ||
| They're only girl-girl porn stars. | ||
| They're girl-girl? | ||
| They only do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You don't really have to do that for me, Joe. | ||
| I know what it looks like. | ||
| I'm getting a kick out of doing that. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird world. | ||
| It's uncomfortable getting to know that world. | ||
| It's normal to them, too, which is very strange. | ||
| Well, it's so stereotypical. | ||
| The weird thing about that world is a lot of them are very nice, and you get to meet them, and you're like, wow, this is just some nice girl who just... | ||
| Somehow or another, she found herself in some situation where she has this almost insatiable desire for sexual attention, and a lot of that is because they were molested. | ||
| And then when you find that out, it's a buzzkill. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, then you start feeling bad. | ||
| Yeah, it's a massive buzzkill. | ||
| And you humanize them. | ||
| If you humanize them, you're going to lose all your fantasies. | ||
| You lose your boner, for sure. | ||
| When you talk to some of them, I mean, some of them say that nothing's ever happened to them, and I believe them. | ||
| I think it's possible that some of them just love them. | ||
| Yeah, because they can need attention for other reasons. | ||
| Yeah, more, I don't know, maybe they just rationalize it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Or maybe that's just their reality and they don't have a problem with it. | ||
| I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. | ||
| I'm saying when you delve into that world... | ||
| There's got to be something wrong. | ||
| Yeah, well, a lot of times there is. | ||
| Strippers, I never met a stripper who was... | ||
| A lot of times there is. | ||
| And they're not really working their way through law school. | ||
| Very rare. | ||
| Some of them do. | ||
| It's like a Mike Young joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We have a bunch of genius trippers. | ||
| I never heard that. | ||
| I saw him last night. | ||
| Yeah, same jokes? | ||
| No, I didn't watch the show. | ||
| I just talked to him. | ||
| But would you ever like him at Ice House? | ||
| Would that be okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Cool. | ||
| Why'd you bring that up in the air? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How embarrassing would it be for Mike if Joe said no? | |
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| We talk business off the air! | ||
| What is all this with this fucking guy? | ||
| Well, we've talked about Mike Young so many times on the podcast, but we've never had him on anything. | ||
| He got his ass kicked one time. | ||
| Yeah, remember that? | ||
| That was brutal. | ||
| He's got an interesting story about that. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't want to tell. | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not my phone, is it? | ||
| Not my phone. | ||
| Tom, is it your phone? | ||
| It must be your phone, bro. | ||
| I don't even know where my phone is. | ||
| Yeah, it's because it's fucking ringing, you crazy bitch. | ||
| You just had it. | ||
| You were sucking on it. | ||
| Yeah, remember? | ||
| The whole thing? | ||
| You sucked on it and you stuffed it under your ass. | ||
| I work with him on a regular basis, Tom. | ||
| Do you do stand-up? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm about to go on the road with Joey Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| You told me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't believe he does stand up? | |
| Well, you find it shocking. | ||
| I find it a little uncomfortable to talk about. | ||
| What's blackened on top of a stairway? | ||
| What? | ||
| Christopher Reeves after a fire. | ||
| That was really good like five years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good to hear a good crisp new Christopher Reeves. | |
| Now you're just wasting time. | ||
| Now, you wonder why you get hate mail. | ||
| You wonder why people... | ||
| I banned a couple people from talking shit about you on the message board. | ||
| Oh, by the way, did you watch the Modcast? | ||
| Your message board now has a podcast that Mute, Jason and Voodoo and Johnny Rotten did. | ||
| They're doing it themselves. | ||
| Yeah, they might fly up one day and go on. | ||
| Yeah, I want to do it too. | ||
| We should do a gig up there. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| Do a gig in Seattle and then do the podcast. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| You know what's a joke that I love? | ||
| Tell me what you think it is. | ||
| Maybe you heard it. | ||
| Guy goes to a psychiatrist. | ||
| Psychiatrist says, what's the problem? | ||
| He goes, I don't know, Doc. | ||
| I just can't seem to keep any friends, you fat fuck. | ||
| You said you went to a psychiatrist when you were 17. No, 13. Oh, 13? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| 12, 13, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Have you been as an adult? | ||
| Not a psychiatrist, psychologist. | ||
| That's the kind that don't prescribe drugs, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| You want to talk about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, Joe. | ||
| I'm telling you, Dom, I think you would like pot. | ||
| The Xanax stuff, what does it do? | ||
| It kills anxiety, makes you relax? | ||
| Is that what it does? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It makes you feel like you're a normal person. | ||
| What I've heard, though, is that if you take it and then you get off it, the anxiety actually increases. | ||
| Well, I wouldn't get off it. | ||
| So it's a daily thing? | ||
| Every day. | ||
| I had just heard from someone, we were just talking about this, and he goes, I couldn't fucking imagine taking Xanax every day. | ||
| He just said this to me. | ||
| Because it makes you sleepy. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what it does to you. | ||
| Do you want to try one? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll have one. | ||
| Well, why don't we... | ||
| When we get in the car, I'll give you one. | ||
| I don't think it's for me. | ||
| I've actually tried it. | ||
| No, I'm glad that you do pot. | ||
| I'm glad... | ||
| I mean, I'm telling you, like I was telling you before, you seem so much more at peace with yourself. | ||
| I had a bunch of... | ||
| Calm down a lot. | ||
| I think it definitely helped. | ||
| I had a bunch of life experiences, a bunch of psychedelic experiences, too. | ||
| A bunch of... | ||
| I'd be so afraid to do that shit. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Well, because I'm a pussy. | ||
| I'm registered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a registered pussy. | |
| Yeah, the psychedelics change me a lot, for sure. | ||
| It's hard to gain a perspective on life while you're in. | ||
| So you do mushrooms and stuff? | ||
| I've done them, yeah, I'm sure, several times. | ||
| It's all about basalts. | ||
| Don't even say that, Brian. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| Basalts are fucking stupid. | ||
| Somebody might hear that. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Basalts. | ||
| It's some new fucked up drug they're selling. | ||
| It's like a cousin to crystal meth and they can sell it as basalts. | ||
| You know what's even worse? | ||
| It's that fake weed. | ||
| I've been reading all this shit lately about that fake weed. | ||
| Synthetic weed. | ||
| The synthetic weed. | ||
| How bad it is for you. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| You know what's good about the pot that you get is that you're getting it from an illegal place, which means hopefully it's not tainted in anything. | ||
| I don't know why anybody would go to a really shady neighborhood and buy shit off a drug dealer who may never see them again. | ||
| Why would you trust that guy? | ||
| You gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta get the cheapest prices. | |
| You gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would I pay double the amount? | |
| When you're in Rome, you gotta dance. | ||
| That's one of those sayings that you can't argue with. | ||
| You gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| What else could it be than what it is? | ||
| What else could it be? | ||
| You could be looking at it in a distorted way because saying it is what it is is you might be looking at it in some sort of a fucked up way to justify your position. | ||
| I never expected an answer to that question. | ||
| It was a rhetorical question. | ||
| I appreciate the answer. | ||
| Well, I'm one of those guys. | ||
| I don't let them all float out there. | ||
| If you whack around a rhetorical one that needs to be addressed in a very literal sense, I'm ready. | ||
| I was laughing about something last night about you. | ||
| I was telling Eleanor about... | ||
| I would... | ||
| You know, he's so good at pull, Joe, that it's really tough to beat him, even a nine ball, which can involve a lot of luck. | ||
| And I would start talking about Carlos Mencia. | ||
| This was years ago. | ||
| Just to aggravate him, and his fucking stick would pop. | ||
| You know, like he would get aggravated. | ||
| Just looking for any kind of edge. | ||
| At the comedy store the other day, I was there. | ||
| Somebody tore down Carlos and Mencia's picture and threw it in the trash. | ||
| Everyone thought I did it. | ||
| I was like, fucking assholes. | ||
| Someone trying to impress you, probably. | ||
| Somebody wants you to be your boyfriend. | ||
| Did you do stand-up at the comedy store? | ||
| I'm only allowed on friends and family. | ||
| If there's a host I know, they'll let me do the... | ||
| You do the belly room? | ||
| No, the main room. | ||
| Or no, OR. But it's like a three to five minute spot. | ||
| What a great club. | ||
| What a great all-time club. | ||
| Dominic. | ||
| What's your favorite club in the country? | ||
| Probably that one in Columbus as far as a neutral club. | ||
| I mean, you know, I love Wildwood. | ||
| When I do the Wildwood gig, it's really special to me because I'm from Philly and Wildwood's like the suburb of Philly. | ||
| Do you do Helium? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great club. | ||
| That's another all-time classic. | ||
| I'm doing, do you ever do Captain Brian's? | ||
| Did I ask you that? | ||
| No, it's my ship. | ||
| It's in Marco Island, so it's beautiful. | ||
| It's a great gig. | ||
| It looks like a B room, but they pay like an A room, and it's just fun. | ||
| I mean, being on, you know, that kind of environment. | ||
| That Columbus, Ohio, by the way, Funny Bone, that's my home club. | ||
| That's where I started stand-up. | ||
| Stroop's a great guy. | ||
| I also like Tampa and the Hollywood Improv. | ||
| How many weeks are you on the road a year? | ||
| I don't know, Joe. | ||
| It's awkward if I'm doing TV or not. | ||
| Like when I was doing that Judge show, I was less... | ||
| I would say... | ||
| At least half the time. | ||
| What was that judge show? | ||
| It was called Supreme Court of Comedy. | ||
| It's actually coming back. | ||
| It was on DirecTV and it was fun. | ||
| I'd love you to do it. | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| I'm the judge and it's real small claims cases. | ||
| People sign a contract that says they can't sue again in a real small claims court that I make the final decision. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I just told them. | ||
| I said, you know, I don't really know much about the law. | ||
| I said, I'm not fair. | ||
| If it's a hot chick, you're going to win something. | ||
| And, you know, that's the way life is. | ||
| You know, I did something exactly like that a long time ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Merv Griffin tried to do it. | ||
| It's called Rogan's Law. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| He did a pilot for it before I ever did Fear Factor. | ||
| Yeah, they didn't do it, though. | ||
| Did you have comedians as lawyers? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, not as lawyers. | ||
| There's no comedians as lawyers, but there's a... | ||
| God, I wish I could remember their names. | ||
| One of the comics, I see him around the improv. | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm blanking on his name. | ||
| He was the bailiff, and there was another comic. | ||
| No, we had hot chicks as the bailiff. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's why your show worked, and mine didn't even go past pilot. | ||
| We did three years. | ||
| Didn't Mooney do something like that, too? | ||
| Well, he was on my show a lot. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've got to say, he really gave good energy. | ||
| He really did. | ||
| He's a pro. | ||
| He really went out 100%. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| The guy who was fucking hilarious was Andy Kindler. | ||
| Kindler's very funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| He had me crying laughing. | ||
| This little nebbishy Jewish guy. | ||
| He was walking around. | ||
| He's almost like this Woody Allen look. | ||
| He was funny. | ||
| And it's interesting to see because you can tell which comedians have improv chops and which guys are only funny behind their act right away. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| And I'll tell you who was really prepared to the point where he was like a lawyer who was Lovitz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, he went up against Kevin Pollack. | ||
| Poor Kevin Pollack. | ||
| He was doing Adam Arkin impressions. | ||
| Alan Arkin? | ||
| Alan Arkin. | ||
| Yeah, Alan Arkin. | ||
| And he was doing impressions. | ||
| And these kids, I said, we got like 17-year-old kids in here. | ||
| They don't know what you're doing. | ||
| You know, it's like Joe Piscopo did The Three Stooges. | ||
| Now they're going to know them again because of the movie. | ||
| But then I go, first of all, you're not even doing, like, at least do Shemp updated from Curly. | ||
| You know, he's doing Curly. | ||
| You understand what our audience is? | ||
| So Kevin Pollack does Alan Arkin and what did Lovitz do? | ||
| Lovitz was just fucking hilarious and he was really prepared. | ||
| And he was going, Kevin would go to say something and he would go, Silence! | ||
| Silence, you impudent... | ||
| Get queer. | ||
| You know, you're an alcoholic faggot. | ||
| He was doing all this shit, you know. | ||
| You called him a faggot? | ||
| Yeah, you know, they bleeped that out. | ||
| But, you know, just like anything he could think of, you know, to put him down. | ||
| It was funny, though. | ||
| So you did that for three years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's only on DirecTV? | ||
| It was, yeah. | ||
| Did it get on the internet at all? | ||
| Does anybody think to put it on the website? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, but we're going to do a podcast, I told you, from the Laugh Factory. | ||
| Who are you going to do it with? | ||
| Myself. | ||
| Just you? | ||
| Yeah, well, unless anybody else is available. | ||
| Brian? | ||
| You want to be in business with Brian? | ||
| Brian actually does a whole string of podcasts in Pasadena. | ||
| Yeah, Pasadena Ice House. | ||
| I have a studio at the Ice House. | ||
| Did I do it with you once? | ||
| Yeah, you were at my Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| Oh, that's where I know your face, right? | ||
| I already explained that. | ||
| That Xanax is a motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, I remember. | ||
| Was that today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Earlier today? | ||
| Yeah, it was this morning when we did the podcast. | ||
| How many of those... | ||
| You take one half a day? | ||
| Is that what you do? | ||
| No, I take three halves. | ||
| Three halves in a day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long have you been doing that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Five years? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Ever since you left me, you son of a bitch. | ||
| Does it make a big difference? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what it's like not to take it. | ||
| Do you want to? | ||
| Do you ever say, you know what, tomorrow I'm going to become a vegan, start doing yoga, drink spring water, go for your morning jogs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or why don't I just jump out a fucking window and stare? | |
| No, I don't. | ||
| I mean, when you get ideas in your head of moderation. | ||
| What is the, you know, you just go, this probably can't be good for me. | ||
| Let me just kick back a little, stick around a little longer. | ||
| What are you thinking of when you go in moderation? | ||
| I only think that way when I'm hungover. | ||
| And then when I'm normal, I feel invincible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| What a normal! | ||
| What a normal! | ||
| No, I mean, I just feel like I could drink. | ||
| So a little bit of booze and a little bit of Xanax just makes you feel great. | ||
| You just feel on top of the world. | ||
| Well, yeah, a little bit does. | ||
| A lot of booze. | ||
| I was talking to an emergency room doctor, and she told me that the Xanax that I take, at the level I take it, is probably a placebo at this point. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, she said because I never upped the dosage because I'm not that stupid. | ||
| I don't want to get to a point. | ||
| I never got high on Xanax. | ||
| Well, is that what you're supposed to do? | ||
| You're supposed to continue to up the dosage? | ||
| No, but I think if I were an addict in the sense of being really addicted to the drug and the feeling of it, it would be normal to try and get higher. | ||
| I think it's just a psychological thing that I think I needed to go back to sleep and all. | ||
| Well, when you hear about guys like Rush Limbaugh, and he starts doing Oxys, and you hear about him doing 99 a day, and you know you want to do that Xanax every day and have a drink every day, do you ever see that and go, fuck, how far away is that from what I'm doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You're maintaining in a very specific dose. | ||
| I worry more about the booze. | ||
| I mean, I'm not into painkillers. | ||
| Do you remember when I had that operation on my balls? | ||
| What did you have done to your balls? | ||
| I had a plastic surgery to have them reshaped. | ||
| No, I had to make them look yummy. | ||
| I had them dipped in chocolate. | ||
| No, I had this thing called a spermatocel. | ||
| And it's a rupture of the sperm duct. | ||
| So your ball starts getting bigger. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, I do remember that. | ||
| Yeah, you were in a lot of fucking pain. | ||
| Yeah, but the thing that was interesting was I never took painkillers because if you moved, it really hurt. | ||
| But what I did was I'd have Sophie and I would split wine, a bottle of wine. | ||
| I'd rather get high on alcohol than take Vicodin or something. | ||
| I'm not really like a drug addict except for one drug. | ||
| I'm not like a guy that just pops pills and fucking drinks wildly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm a very conservative addict. | ||
| But you feel dependent on this experience, like having this experience every day, being in that state. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But I don't feel bad about it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't feel the need to correct you or give you any advice. | ||
| You seem like pretty resigned to it. | ||
| I'm too scared to. | ||
| You're scared of his wit? | ||
| His comedy. | ||
| Scared of what? | ||
| Scared of your comedy. | ||
| Scared of your comedy and your wit. | ||
| I don't want to say anything. | ||
| My rapier-like wit? | ||
| Why are you turning on him? | ||
| Did I go after you too hard? | ||
| Nah, he needed it. | ||
| He did a good job. | ||
| You did what you needed to do. | ||
| Considering the circumstances, how he was behaving. | ||
| Look at the way he looks around. | ||
| He goes over the top for this show. | ||
| And a lot of people don't understand that. | ||
| It's like half of his fun is to play a fucking head wound victim. | ||
| It's like him being silly. | ||
| He plays a character. | ||
| It's not that I'm playing a character, I'm just, I don't filter myself. | ||
| Why do you gotta disagree with Joe? | ||
| What do you get a kick out of disagreeing with the boss? | ||
| He's not quite like that when the camera's off. | ||
| Right, I filter myself, act polite. | ||
| And sometimes he goes a little over the top. | ||
| He's just trying. | ||
| It's all coming from a good place. | ||
| He's trying to get better at when to go over the top and not to go over the top. | ||
| How's his stand-up? | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| He's got some good jokes. | ||
| He's got some good jokes. | ||
| If he wanted to and he dedicated himself to it, he could be a real professional. | ||
| Problem is, he's a lazy bitch. | ||
| Do you want to hear my Bob Hope joke? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's actually not a bad joke. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Did you hear Bob Hope died today? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think they flew out his body to Iraq to entertain all the dead troops? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Where's the joke? | ||
| That's the old joke. | ||
| That was six years ago at Columbus, Ohio, Funny Boat, and I got booed in his, and then I quit comedy for five years because of it. | ||
| What a relief. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| You know what's really hard to fathom is, and this is not to depress you, you're 37. No matter what you do, no matter how much you work, you'll never be as good as Joe or myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Isn't that sad in a way? | ||
| You can put your whole heart in so you can get writers and you'll just never have that natural gift. | ||
| It's not sad because I don't want that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's easy to say you don't want it because you don't have a choice. | |
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, I do comedy for a different reason. | ||
| I do comedy because I think it's fun once in a while, but I don't obsess about it. | ||
| Like, I do it once a week. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| It's just kind of... | ||
| Because I do so much podcasting, I consider this like a different kind of comedy where instead of doing like 15 people at a comedy club, I'm doing... | ||
| 500,000 people on podcasts. | ||
| Yeah, it is a kind of form of comedy. | ||
| I've heard people say that about posting on message boards. | ||
| They're like internet comedians. | ||
| Just like text-based internet comedians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm using somebody that hides in the corner underneath a hat. | |
| So being on stage to me, it doesn't do anything for me. | ||
| I don't get a boner about it. | ||
| But I do like to be funny and silly. | ||
| Tom's old school. | ||
| He doesn't silly men in their late 30s. | ||
| He's like, come on with this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on with this. | |
| Old school. | ||
| But he is funny. | ||
| He could be funny. | ||
| I know he's funny. | ||
| He's got the man-boy market covered. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| It's a market. | ||
| It's out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Bill Burr attacked it recently. | ||
| Yeah, he was really upset about it. | ||
| And I totally understand what he's saying, but I don't get what alternative comedy is to me. | ||
| Because if you go to the biggest alternative website, aspecialthing.com, they're talking about Patton Oswalt, Sarah Silverman. | ||
| Patton Oswalt is one of the best joke writers that I know. | ||
| That guy is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Alternative comedy is simply a way of saying comedy for us. | ||
| They're the people who couldn't get on at the regular places. | ||
| Even the people that could, that they worship, like Patton Oswalt, who's, like you said, great comedians. | ||
| It's like, it's just comedy, man. | ||
| You know, the idea is that, what Burr said that was so hilarious was that they took the fear out of comedy, and they made it so everyone's ultra-supportive, and you go there, and you can be, like, really awkward. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, you can tell stories. | ||
| And he goes, meanwhile, we had to go through fucking bars, you know, the places that we did stand-up, we were starting out, and getting booed at, and screamed by drunks. | ||
| Yeah, but do you believe if you're either funny or you're not? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do I believe that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to believe that, but then I see people that were fucking terrible, and they stuck with it, and they figured it out. | ||
| Yeah, but they learn. | ||
| You can get to a certain point on hard work, but there's a certain point you can't get to without talent. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I would say yes, but goddammit, I've seen people that I thought just absolutely sucked, and they figured out how to be funny. | ||
| They weren't bad. | ||
| Who's the best untalented comedian you've ever seen? | ||
| I don't want to say. | ||
| I have one, but I don't want to say. | ||
| I don't want to say. | ||
| I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. | ||
| Name me your three top comedians, us excluded, that you see working right now. | ||
| Working today, Doug Stanhope's my favorite. | ||
| After that... | ||
| Doug Stanhope, the only thing about Doug, is he like angry about something? | ||
| Can't tell. | ||
| Are you kidding? | ||
| Yeah, of course I'm kidding. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Louie, for sheer prolific amount of work. | ||
| Amazing, yeah. | ||
| He puts out a new hour every year. | ||
| His stuff's great. | ||
| I definitely have people I like to see that don't do really necessarily stand-up, though. | ||
| Maybe alternative. | ||
| Like Don Barris. | ||
| There's only three people that I watch at the Comedy Story. | ||
| Yeah, he is funny. | ||
| And everyone else I really don't watch is Don Barris, Brody Stevens, Dave Taylor. | ||
| I saw Norton do a headline set in Austin last year when I was there for a UFC and I didn't book a gig. | ||
| I went to see him at the Cap City. | ||
| He was fucking great, man. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| Norton killed. | ||
| It was so dirty that sometimes I feel like I have too many dick jokes when I act. | ||
| I'm like, what is wrong with you, fucking pervert? | ||
| And then I saw Norton. | ||
| It was an hour solid of dick jokes. | ||
| People shitting on people. | ||
| Yeah, an hour solid of his cock whining in someone's mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then I laughed the entire time. | |
| He's great. | ||
| DePaulo's great. | ||
| There's a lot of great comedians out there right now, man. | ||
| This is a great time. | ||
| Robert Kelly's funny. | ||
| I love Burr, Tosh. | ||
| Burr's great. | ||
| Burr's awesome. | ||
| Tosh is a natural. | ||
| And Burr is really prolific, too. | ||
| He's constantly coming up with new shit. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of great guys now. | ||
| It's a great time for comedy. | ||
| Comedy comes in waves. | ||
| It does, doesn't it? | ||
| Because there was such a dearth of talent at the store. | ||
| For a long time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And your group started up and... | ||
| Yeah, when we came there in the 90s, remember how bad it was? | ||
| You'd have these fucking guys go up and they were terrible. | ||
| There were people that would sing songs and they wouldn't even have a joke in it. | ||
| It would just be like a really, like, like a fucking famous hit song and they would just sing it. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And then end. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you remember fucking, what's his name, Barry Diamond? | ||
| He used to, walking in, what is it? | ||
| Walking in Memphis. | ||
| Walking in Memphis. | ||
| He would go on stage singing, and really singing it, and everybody would be waiting for it to be a joke. | ||
| I told you he threatened to kill me once, because he said I was stealing his act, because some bartender in San Francisco said I was doing his act. | ||
| I brought him in one night to see me. | ||
| I said, did you see anything? | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
| Because he had asked me to help him out. | ||
| He badmouthed me to the guys in Atlanta. | ||
| And I got no beef with Barry. | ||
| And he said, well, if Dom and Eric can headline, why can't I? And these guys are friends of mine. | ||
| So they called me up and go, who is this fucking guy? | ||
| I said, Barry, why would you badmouth me when you don't know who's friends with who? | ||
| He said, well, I'm sorry, can you try and get me the gig now? | ||
| I go, no, I'm not going to help you now. | ||
| Comedians are so screwy. | ||
| I saw Barry Diamond the other day. | ||
| I actually talked to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I saw him do stand-up at the comedy store. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Barry Diamond's a good comedy. | ||
| I saw a girl. | ||
| A girl, chick, woman. | ||
| Did he try to touch you or anything? | ||
| Kissed me on the lips a little. | ||
| We saw a girl? | ||
| Mary Lynn Rice Cobb? | ||
| Yeah, she was funny. | ||
| That's Duncan's old girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| She kicked him. | ||
| She kicked him out and he had to live with me. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He lived here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lucky bastard. | ||
| Nicest place he ever had. | ||
| Did his puppet stay outside? | ||
| No, I kept the puppet in my room. | ||
| I said, I keep the puppet. | ||
| That's part of the deal. | ||
| I want him to watch me. | ||
| Duncan's doing great. | ||
| He's fucking killing him, man. | ||
| We went on the road. | ||
| We did Louisville together. | ||
| He got a standing ovation every time he went on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he really? | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's because of this podcast. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| Yeah, if you do great on the podcast, you know, it's fucking awesome for you. | ||
| Unfortunately, because of this episode, your Twitter numbers are probably going to drop. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are going to unfollow you. | ||
| I shouldn't have gone into the Xanax thing. | ||
| People are going to feel bad for me. | ||
| No, you're being honest. | ||
| I think the way you're explaining it and describing it is, you know, you're pretty logical about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't imagine not doing it. | |
| Really? | ||
| I'm in love with it. | ||
| Without it, what was the feeling? | ||
| What is when you describe anxiety? | ||
| How would you categorize it? | ||
| Like an emotional tap dance. | ||
| Just like, you know, jittery and... | ||
| Always? | ||
| Well, I never wait for the moment because I always take the pills. | ||
| So when did it start? | ||
| I'm fine on stage. | ||
| Please don't not come because of this. | ||
| Yeah, why is that? | ||
| Because on stage you're super calm and smooth. | ||
| That's because of where I feel at home. | ||
| Oh, that's crazy. | ||
| I don't feel at home. | ||
| Imagine that for most people. | ||
| Getting on stage and public speaking is one of the most terrifying things. | ||
| Joe, honestly, I think my pulse goes down when I'm on stage. | ||
| The only time in the last 15 years I was ever like a little bit anxious was Madison Square Garden with Cher because I was worried about the sound system and the people in the back not hearing me because I heard it was a little screwy. | ||
| And my sister got a little panicky about me going on. | ||
| She goes, I can't believe you're going to go up in front of all these people. | ||
| And that kind of got into my head. | ||
| And I didn't want to look up at the banners and stuff of the Knicks and Rangers and the history and the garden and thinking Ali Frazier and Sinatra was there and the Beatles were there or whatever. | ||
| Did you lock up? | ||
| I was fine, but I mean, I did have a glass of wine, and I didn't... | ||
| I wanted the set to be over, the first one. | ||
| We did it two nights. | ||
| The second... | ||
| It's so funny how relative it is, because the next night, after the second set, we were at the Pepsi Center in Denver, which is bigger than the garden, and I thought, oh, it's good to be out of there. | ||
| I'm so relaxed. | ||
| I'm so relieved. | ||
| Just the history of the garden fucked with you? | ||
| Well, that's what it did, yeah. | ||
| I started letting it creep into my head. | ||
| You opened for Whitney Houston, too, huh? | ||
| Yeah, that was not fun. | ||
| It wasn't fun? | ||
| No. | ||
| She never talked to me. | ||
| She had bouncers around her, and they'd say a prayer. | ||
| And I thought, geez, I don't know if Jesus had 300-pound bouncers. | ||
| I think they were mostly like fishermen who were kind of thin, wafey-like. | ||
| And her father was a great guy, and he says, I'd like you to work with my daughter again. | ||
| This is really going well. | ||
| I says, well, thank you. | ||
| I'm thinking, no way. | ||
| I'm working with her again. | ||
| And she would come in late. | ||
| She was with Bobby Brown already. | ||
| One night I'm on stage for 45 minutes at the Sands. | ||
| Killing! | ||
| And I told the audience, I said, look, I gotta tell you something. | ||
| She's not here. | ||
| I don't want you to think because you're a good critic. | ||
| Because I'm from Philly. | ||
| And it was Atlantic City. | ||
| And a lot of them knew me already. | ||
| And I said, she's not here. | ||
| I don't want to leave you in the dark. | ||
| That's why I'm staying on stage. | ||
| I'm not being self-indulgent. | ||
| And they start cheering, knowing I was really doing it for them. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, and then she finally came. | ||
| How long did you stay on stage? | ||
| 40, 50 minutes. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Did you do a lot of crowd work? | ||
| No, I didn't do any. | ||
| Well, I was lucky that it was Philly, though. | ||
| I mean, if there's any place where you could do that, it's Philly. | ||
| Well, I mean, the thing is, if they were upset, you know, I would have gotten off. | ||
| I mean, the only time I had trouble with a big crowd was in Dayton, Ohio, because they really fucking hated me. | ||
| They hated me so much, they came to Cleveland to boo me. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they couldn't get... | ||
| I said, look, you're still here, but you still can't get good seats. | ||
| They were in the back booing me. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They hated you so bad they came to another place? | ||
| Here's what happened. | ||
| Well, I mean, there were probably Sheriff fans coming to see her. | ||
| And generally, her crowd was so eclectic That it was easy to do stand-up for because she doesn't get like a rock and roll crowd. | ||
| It's not like Quiet Riot or something. | ||
| It's like, you know, she's got people that, because she won Academy Awards, you've got grandmothers with their granddaughters and transvestites. | ||
| Yeah, people forget she won an Academy Award. | ||
| Yeah, and she's, you know, also an Emmy Award. | ||
| Yeah, she's a badass bitch. | ||
| Great career, yeah. | ||
| So I'm up on stage and this girl starts screaming. | ||
| And the crowd was really good. | ||
| This girl starts screaming, Cher! | ||
| Cher! | ||
| I go, you know, she'll be out in a little while. | ||
| Cher! | ||
| And then finally I lost my patient. | ||
| I go... | ||
| I said, first of all, she's not even here yet. | ||
| She hasn't even put her first eyelash on. | ||
| She's, you know, I said, there's a break. | ||
| I said, who do you think I am? | ||
| Like a friend of the owner of the building? | ||
| I said, I'm a comedian. | ||
| I got to do... | ||
| Cher! | ||
| I go, listen, you stupid son of a bitch. | ||
| You think I'm going to lift up the curtain? | ||
| She's going to come out and sing for you? | ||
| You fucking idiot. | ||
| And then I went after her, and I just started, you know, boom, one after another. | ||
| And then the crowd started booing. | ||
| And they got upset with me. | ||
| And I go, hey, I'm sorry, but she's fucking annoying. | ||
| And that was my only really bad experience. | ||
| And it's pretty tough when you lose an arena. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| It ain't like losing 300 people at a comedy club and getting them back when you lose an arena. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's a real problem when no one wants to see you. | |
| Then they're there to see something else. | ||
| But see, she put me on the bill, which really made it classy. | ||
| It wasn't like, you know, special guests or anything. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| Opening act. | ||
| That's what happened to Kurt Fox recently with Charlie Sheen. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Watch the video. | ||
| They gave him a chance. | ||
| He ate dick up there. | ||
| They gave him a chance. | ||
| No, I disagree. | ||
| I watched that. | ||
| They weren't really there to see him. | ||
| They were down. | ||
| They gave him a chance. | ||
| They gave him a chance and he didn't come with any jokes. | ||
| That's not what happened in that situation. | ||
| I think Kurt himself will admit to that. | ||
| It just didn't work well. | ||
| The my god I sort of an ironic sense of humor and he's a he's got a good delivery, but I think he requires an attentive audience Yeah, but he also said on the podcast we had at death squad that when he came out that the people didn't know what to Of course expect and so he came out and just started to come in people immediately when you came out start going That's a big difference. | ||
| Yeah, well that's him being a rookie He's yeah, but these Yeah, but these people paid money to see Charlie Sheen and some dude's just sitting there talking. | ||
| That's what you were saying. | ||
| Again, that's him being a rookie. | ||
| You have to address that. | ||
| If you're hired as a comedian to go on stage in front of Charlie Sheen and no one knows what the fuck is going on, this is the first show you guys have done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's what happened. | ||
| You've got to go on stage and you go, you've got to set him up. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck Charlie's going to do tonight. | ||
| I think there was more... | ||
| Think about how, like, Kennison would have handled that or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| But it's really... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pacing the stage, who's here to see Charlie Sheen? | |
| I mean, it's really bad if you're not on the bill. | ||
| Yeah, it's terrible. | ||
| It's very classy. | ||
| I mean, Cher was classy, you know. | ||
| Classy. | ||
| Well, Cher, the dame had classy. | ||
| And I think there was something else that, like, they were waiting for a long time and it was really late. | ||
| Well, they were waiting for Charlie to write an act. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure there's a lot of that. | ||
| But, you know, you've got to learn how to... | ||
| If you're going to open for a guy like that, you have to have some fucking rock-solid material. | ||
| What did he think was going to happen, Joe? | ||
| What did Charlie Sheen think was going to happen? | ||
| He was going to write an act that quickly? | ||
| Well, that's what he wound up doing. | ||
| What he wound up doing is bringing comedians with him. | ||
| I know Russell Peters did a couple of them. | ||
| He did Toronto with him and a few other places, I think, as well. | ||
| And they would go up on stage and Russell would sit down with them and Charlie would interview, you know, Russell would interview Charlie and talk to him and then crack a bunch of jokes along the way. | ||
| And, you know, Russell's great at that shit. | ||
| Russell's so fucking funny. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| And he's, you know, it's so funny. | ||
| Every time I sit next to an Asian person I'm talking about Asia, from Cambodia to Pakistan. | ||
| I always ask them if they know Russell Peters. | ||
| If we get into a talk, if they ask me what I do, and they all know him. | ||
| Talk about one continent to pick to watch your back, Asia. | ||
| He sold out the O2 Arena, I think it was two nights in a row, in London. | ||
| That's what he did to the UFC. He did the UFC there. | ||
| You know the coolest thing about him is that he constantly surprises me. | ||
| There's this guy named Pauly. | ||
| He's this big Twitter guy. | ||
| And he just gave him a chance. | ||
| Like, hey, why don't you come out to Arizona and you'll open up for me. | ||
| And then he did the same thing to a door guy, Jesus, over at a comedy store. | ||
| Just grabbed him and was like, hey, he was one of the guys that came to Deadmau5's studio that night. | ||
| He opened for him in Irvine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He brings Mike Young on the road with him too. | ||
| Yeah, he just grabs people and he gives them chances a lot. | ||
| Like just random guys and it's really neat. | ||
| Yeah, Russell's a real good dude. | ||
| He's a real good dude. | ||
| There's a lot of good people in comedy. | ||
| It's an interesting thing about comedians and becoming friends with a bunch of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like you get the greatest people to communicate with. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he's great. | ||
| I go, what do you think? | ||
| I think I carry comedy on my back? | ||
| How dare you insult me by liking another comedian? | ||
| It'd be a lot of pressure. | ||
| Dom, you've always been a supporter of comedians. | ||
| You were always great. | ||
| You gave me great advice when I was first coming up at the store. | ||
| You always... | ||
| When someone had a good set, you would always be really complimentary and talk to them about what you really liked. | ||
| Some comedians don't do that shit. | ||
| Some comedians, they never go up to a young guy and give them props. | ||
| I mean, I love to fucking laugh. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| When you did that, Joe, your face, when you did New Rules. | ||
| Oh, and Nicole Smith, Joe? | ||
| One of the funniest. | ||
| I swear to God, your neck got longer. | ||
| That was a bit that would work and not work and Eat it and kill. | ||
| That was a bit that took a long time. | ||
| I remember coming up and telling you that because it was a new line to me. | ||
| I was fucking crying. | ||
| No rules! | ||
| The 90-year-old bit. | ||
| I worked on that bit for a fucking year. | ||
| That was one of those bits that I just kept tweaking it. | ||
| I could never get it right. | ||
| I knew there was something in this. | ||
| It's like my Dahmer-sized bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| Dom, you only opened up with it today. | ||
| I think you're going to be fine. | ||
| What do you got there, fella? | ||
| Oh yeah, one of the energy drinks? | ||
| Yeah, we're going to wrap this thing up soon. | ||
| It's almost two hours in. | ||
| So where are you going to be next, Dom? | ||
| I'll be at Hilarious next week, and then in two weeks I'll be, what is it, 25th, I think? | ||
| Captain Brian's, 25th, no, 26th, 27th, 28th. | ||
| And you're on Twitter, Dom Irera, I-R-E-R-R-A. On Twitter. | ||
| Joe, it was really nice meeting you. | ||
| Dom, we already knew each other. | ||
| You mean it was nice hanging out with you. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Does anybody have any more Xanax before we go? | ||
| Do you feel weird about revealing that to the world? | ||
| No, I don't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| You don't care? | ||
| I don't care what the fuck I mean. | ||
| The only reason I would like to be gay is just to come out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just to make the news. | |
| Just to say you don't give a fuck. | ||
| But I mean, I'm not gay because I like women so much, but it would be like, I was thinking about it, even at this point, the way I look now, and this is what's great about show business, is that I couldn't be gay if I wanted to, because I could never get guys as good looking as the girls I could get, because guys are more superficial, but you can get girls because they like talent and money. | ||
| You know, so... | ||
| Anyway, the guy who got thrown back into the closet. | ||
| We don't need you out here. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I would like to be gay just so I could come out. | ||
| That'd be a great party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a news thing. | |
| Just so you can say you don't give a fuck. | ||
| Were you surprised when Kevin Meany came out? | ||
| It was like in his 50s. | ||
| Joe, there's only a certain amount of show tunes you can sing and not be gay. | ||
| I was surprised with Todd Glass. | ||
| I didn't see that coming. | ||
| I was as well. | ||
| You weren't surprised? | ||
| No, but I have a thing on my phone of Todd Glass talking to me that I'll let you hear afterwards. | ||
| Was he drunk? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I offended him and he called to reconcile it. | ||
| The Florida radio station called me to bust his balls. | ||
| And I didn't realize what I was saying was, and I like Todd. | ||
| I really would never want to hurt him. | ||
| But I was saying, he says, you never thought I was funny, did you? | ||
| I said, Todd, I always thought you were funny. | ||
| I mean, not like laugh out loud funny, but, you know, amusing. | ||
| Like, you're never going to go and see a Todd glass and go, my stomach hurts. | ||
| But, you know, you were funny. | ||
| I mean, you're like the Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday headliner, you know? | ||
| And I didn't know it, but that's what he was doing that weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And I was crushing him. | ||
| He's a very sensitive guy, and if he hears this, I love him. | ||
| But, yeah, I was just joking around, and I didn't know I was hitting on some sore points, you know? | ||
| Todd Glass called me up after them and see a thing. | ||
| Somehow or another, we got on the phone together. | ||
| And he was one of, like, you know, a lot of comedians were happy after that went down. | ||
| But Todd and I really didn't know each other very well. | ||
| And he was so enthusiastic and happy. | ||
| And he just said, thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Just thank you for doing this. | ||
| Then he dropped to his knees and started sucking his heart. | ||
| No, I'm glad now, in retrospect, that I didn't give him a big, long hug. | ||
| Both of my parents are retarded, by the way. | ||
| Let him go crazy. | ||
| Both of my parents are gay. | ||
| How dare he? | ||
| They're gay retards. | ||
| But, you know, there was a few people that were fascinated by it, but he was, like, super thankful. | ||
| And I talked to, you know, Kindler and I briefly said, you know, we're like, maybe there should be some sort of a fucking comedian's union. | ||
| You know, should there be a union or something? | ||
| They tried it. | ||
| They tried it in New York. | ||
| But that was about pay at the clubs, right? | ||
| Is that what it was about? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was past that. | ||
| It was about health insurance and trying to unionize. | ||
| But it's tough when everybody's in competition with each other for jobs. | ||
| I think the only place it would work is when you have to get rid of thieves. | ||
| That is when having comedians together... | ||
| People don't understand the issue behind thievery, and that's why there was a lot of people that thought that what I did was really douchey when we released that Carlos video. | ||
| But when you have someone who is being unchecked and they're doing well... | ||
| And they're just running through the comedy world. | ||
| People don't understand what that's like. | ||
| It's like you're working with someone who just might steal your car and no one else that you work with is going to do shit about it. | ||
| The guy's just going to steal your car. | ||
| I mean, really, that's what it's like. | ||
| A joke is actually worth more than a car. | ||
| Fucking jokes are hard. | ||
| Hey, how about this? | ||
| As you can tell by your Bob Hope joke. | ||
| We're at the Jerry's Deli today eating lunch and a chick came over and quoted one of your jokes. | ||
| I mean, think about that joke. | ||
| That's a fucking 15, 20-year-old joke, right? | ||
| I mean, think about how much that's worth. | ||
| That's worth more than a car. | ||
| So somebody could just gank that. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That happened? | ||
| Yes, what we were eating. | ||
| So someone could just gank that. | ||
| They could just steal that right in front of you. | ||
| And we had a real problem. | ||
| We've had a problem with a couple of guys at the store when you watch that shit happen. | ||
| And we've all seen it happen. | ||
| You know, several times throughout our career, a guy who comes along is just a fucking buccaneer who's just grabbing him from all over the place. | ||
| And nobody wants to do anything about him. | ||
| That's the time where I think something like a comedy union would help. | ||
| You know, we could all get together and just all of us unanimously say, ladies and gentlemen of the audience, you people out there that pay to see stand-up comedy, this guy's a fucking thief. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this is just what it is. | ||
| Signed, Dom Irera, Tim Allen, blah, blah, blah, you know. | ||
| Why did I say Tim Allen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I never hang up with that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's an obscure reference to pull out of all the people. | |
| I never even heard you mention Tim Allen. | ||
| I never have. | ||
| I met him once. | ||
| He was a nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, you're a very nice guy. | ||
| Went on stage at the comic store. | ||
| I was doing a joke about his Ferrari breaking down. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| That's something everybody can relate to, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It pissed me off because I had to drive my Maserati that day. | ||
| And I hate that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was sticking it in your face, Dom. | |
| Dom had a Cadillac once where he put a vinyl roof on it. | ||
| You know, when you get one of those nice, smushy roofs. | ||
| It might have been one of the last ones made in America. | ||
| Like, you had the Cadillac, and then you had the roof put on. | ||
| I remember, you were like, Joe, I think I'm going to get a nice soft roof on that. | ||
| Did I really? | ||
| You don't remember? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's such a fucking awesome guinea move. | ||
| And I embrace so many things guinea that I thought it was hilarious that you were doing that. | ||
| I was like, yeah, yeah, go for it. | ||
| I want to get a pinky ring too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| I'll goomba it up a little. | ||
| We're trying to out-goomba each other. | ||
| And you went and you got it done. | ||
| You had a nice Cadillac. | ||
| And you had the back end. | ||
| You had a nice vinyl roof put on. | ||
| You're like, what do you think? | ||
| It just looks classier. | ||
| Remember when cars had those bras in the front that used to be really big? | ||
| I used to have them on my Supra. | ||
| I used that really cool Supra leather bra. | ||
| A friend of mine had a Mazda RX-7. | ||
| One of the fucking cool years. | ||
| With the flip-up headlights and shit. | ||
| And he had a bra on it. | ||
| I was like, that might be the dopest car of all time. | ||
| Mazda had a hell of a car in that RX-7. | ||
| One of the last models. | ||
| Right around the time where Acura came out with the NSX. And Toyota came out with the Supra. | ||
| You're not into cars. | ||
| John Marrera doesn't even have a navigation system. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Well, I tell John... | ||
| Because I wouldn't be able to figure it out anyway. | ||
| You're burring it up. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| Burring has a Prius. | ||
| He has a navigation system. | ||
| Oh, now I do. | ||
| Then he used to. | ||
| I don't have cars like you have. | ||
| I mean, my God, they're incredible. | ||
| You fucking terrorized me with driving around you. | ||
| You go from point A to point B in 60 miles. | ||
| It scares me. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| And I was getting like G's from getting thrown back, but I tried to act normal. | ||
| My head's hitting the thing. | ||
| But the most cathartic thing about this whole experience was I finally got to tell you I was afraid of the pit bulls. | ||
| Because, I mean, I told you. | ||
| Without reason. | ||
| I never wanted you to think, and I never had the heart to tell you that I didn't want to come to your house. | ||
| It's all right. | ||
| I'm not a pushy person. | ||
| No, but I mean, you know, it was always like, you're coming into Hollywood shooting pool with me there. | ||
| It was nice to get that off my chest, just to finally admit it, that even that day we were shooting, and those dogs were just walking around, just solid muscle and teeth, fucking jaws of death. | ||
| They're sweeties. | ||
| I believe that, but there's always that one time. | ||
| Yep, I know what you mean. | ||
| Well, wait till you meet Johnny Cash. | ||
| Johnny Cash is my Mastiff. | ||
| He's a sweetheart. | ||
| Oh, he's outside? | ||
| Yeah, he's a nice dog. | ||
| He's way bigger than the pit bulls, though. | ||
| Maybe I'll meet him another time. | ||
| He's fucking huge. | ||
| That's a big dog. | ||
| I'll meet him another time. | ||
| He's so strong, it's ridiculous. | ||
| I've never had a dog that's as strong as him. | ||
| It's a dog where if he lunges for something, I've got to drop down and dig in with both my feet and hang on like it's a horse. | ||
| See, here's the problem. | ||
| He's going to know I'm afraid of him. | ||
| No, he's a sweetheart. | ||
| No, but he knows. | ||
| They sense it. | ||
| Yeah, but trust me, he's a nice dog. | ||
| The thing about Mastiffs is they're very confident because they're not worried about you at all. | ||
| Mastiffs are never worried about a person beating their ass. | ||
| Christy had Mastiffs. | ||
| Because they're so confident, they're so big and so strong, they're very nice. | ||
| They're not insecure. | ||
| There's certain dogs that feel like they have to establish dominance over a person or scare a person. | ||
| Mastiffs, they're not like that. | ||
| If they're barking at you, it's real. | ||
| If a mastiff is angry at you and barking, you better realize you got a fucking real problem. | ||
| Because a dog that's that big, you're talking about a 150 to 200 pound dog. | ||
| Do you know how strong that fucking thing is? | ||
| And you let those dogs in with the kids? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They play with the kids. | ||
| You have to have them around kids. | ||
| If you can't trust a dog around kids, you can't have that dog. | ||
| My dogs exhibit no aggression at all. | ||
| You have two masters? | ||
| No, the other one's a bulldog mix. | ||
| He's a very lazy dog, but he's a sweetheart too. | ||
| They're both real nice dogs, man. | ||
| Joe, do you know anything about the Honda CR-Z? Is that that hybrid thing? | ||
| The hybrid? | ||
| I saw one the other day. | ||
| And it was amazing. | ||
| It looked like a spaceship. | ||
| Have you seen what they're doing now in a car? | ||
| They're putting Stitcher in a gang of cars. | ||
| It's going to be in BMWs now? | ||
| Yeah, BMWs. | ||
| It's Ford. | ||
| It's all the big guys. | ||
| And now they also have 3Gs on here. | ||
| And like I said the other day, this new iPad has the 4G Lite on it, Verizon. | ||
| It's faster than my business class charter at my studio. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I've got a 4G card that I put in my laptop. | ||
| I'm pretty happy with it when you actually get a 4G connection. | ||
| On the road, it's a little sketchy, though. | ||
| But it's always better than the shit that's in the hotel rooms. | ||
| If you've seen... | ||
| Well, first of all, let's talk about that fucking virus that we both thought we got. | ||
| If you don't know, it's the flashback virus. | ||
| If you're using a Mac and you think that you can't get a Trojan, it's not really a virus. | ||
| It's a Trojan. | ||
| It's an exploit through Java. | ||
| And I guess it only works if you don't have your Java updated to the latest and greatest. | ||
| Yeah, if you're one of those people that keep your shit updated, you're really not going to have to worry about it. | ||
| I wouldn't say that, though. | ||
| I wouldn't say that. | ||
| Also, it's only if you go to some really sketchy websites. | ||
| Which we do. | ||
| The more I read about it. | ||
| And also there's a way to test it to see if you have it. | ||
| And I tested mine. | ||
| And I go to the filthiest fucking places in the world and I didn't have it. | ||
| I mean, I look at torrent websites. | ||
| What do you have to do to test? | ||
| You open up Terminal and you have to cut and paste a couple different lines of code in it. | ||
| The easiest way to actually figure it out, if you go to 925.com... | ||
| Mac9to5.com. | ||
| What is that website, right? | ||
| Anyways, if you just Google MacVirus, it will come up with a couple pages, and there's links to the code that you cut and paste into your browser. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And it's 9to5mac.com is the one that I saw it on. | ||
| And it's pretty much, you just type in these codes, and it tells you what to look for and what not to look for to tell you if you have it. | ||
| But, you know, honestly, the only thing you really have to do is just open up your little app on the left-hand corner, hit it, and then go to System Update. | ||
| And there's a Java update in that that will patch it. | ||
| And if it's not in there already, I mean, check to make sure you have it. | ||
| Then you must have already done it. | ||
| Some people say you shouldn't have Java on your browser. | ||
| You shouldn't enable Java. | ||
| The problem is, when you first get your laptop, when you first get your Mac, that's one of the first things that comes up. | ||
| It's like, would you like to install Java? | ||
| It's not a part of the operating system. | ||
| It's not a part of Windows. | ||
| It's a third-party thing that you add to your browsers, pretty much. | ||
| So it's a plug-in. | ||
| Like, I just had it turned off on this laptop over here, and I tried to go to that Honda website, and it didn't work. | ||
| The Honda website didn't work because I didn't have Java enabled. | ||
| So I enabled it, and now it works. | ||
| I checked, though, this laptop and this iMac. | ||
| You updated it last night, so everything's cool. | ||
| And if you go to 9to5mac.com and you look at the map that who's infected, there is a lot of people infected, but we're talking about worldwide. | ||
| World. | ||
| Didn't Don Barris say that he had someone hacked into his computer? | ||
| Don Barris had a meltdown last night on stage because he had his Facebook hacked and his Gmail hacked. | ||
| So then he went in there and changed all the shit and then they hacked it again and He pretty much on stage was like, you know what I give up. | ||
| I I'm not putting my I'm not doing that any more podcast anymore I'm not I'm done with this ding-dong shit like it really freaked him out that people are Why is it that easy to freak him out? | ||
| Dom, you got a Xanax for him? | ||
| Well, it's the point that, I mean, like we were talking about this the other day, if a girlfriend finds your cell phone and looks through your cell phone, that's scary sometimes. | ||
| Like, you don't know what you fucking say to your friends, or like, you know, like, dude, you see that chick's tits? | ||
| Come over and suck my cock! | ||
| Just kidding, lol. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| LOL. It's like if I ever die and my parents find my fucking laptop and they have to go through it and sort things, that's the most scariest shit ever. | ||
| My mom's going to be like, what's wrong with Brian? | ||
| And then I can't be like, Mom, no, I downloaded those for Photoshop so I could put Joe's face on it and it sent it on his message board. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's joke pictures. | ||
| Not really into black dicks. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I think of that when I'm jerking off on the couch and there's porns left out. | ||
| If I died, who would walk in and see how perverted they are? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So now imagine the whole internet being able to do that to your computer. | ||
| Not your mom. | ||
| Not your fucking girlfriend looking at your phone. | ||
| Now imagine the whole internet being able to access your computer. | ||
| That's fucking terrifying. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| It is terrifying. | ||
| It terrifies me. | ||
| It's going to happen... | ||
| I really think that what we talked about with Everlast the other day, where secrets are on the way out. | ||
| At a certain point in time, everything you do online, someone's going to be able to read it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Someone's going to be able to listen to your phone calls. | ||
| They're going to be able to access... | ||
| That's what I said last night. | ||
| I was like, Joe, you know there's at least seven people in New Zealand right now listening to this phone call that are ahead of us in technology. | ||
| It's probably boring. | ||
| Look at Tiger Woods, a great example. | ||
| When I was a kid, baseball players, they all cheated on their wives. | ||
| But even the sportswriters knew it. | ||
| They didn't rat them out. | ||
| But today's world, you know, they trace down everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and he wouldn't even have been in trouble 25 years ago. | ||
| Well, look at what Michael Jordan probably did, you know, double that. | ||
| I mean, Michael Jordan in his prime. | ||
| Oh, he did, yeah. | ||
| Goddamn tornadoes. | ||
| I'm sure he did. | ||
| Sweeping white women through the air like semis. | ||
| Did you see that video footage of Dallas? | ||
| The fucking tornado hitting Dallas and semis were flying through the air. | ||
| Like paper, Dom. | ||
| 18-wheelers. | ||
| Full 18-wheelers. | ||
| 30, 40, 50 feet in the air just spinning in circles. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| It's really weird to watch, man. | ||
| I would highly recommend, though, this is something that I'm personally going to start doing, is to take your fucking computer and empty it all out onto external hard drives and then unplug those external hard drives from your computer and only use them when you need to. | ||
| Or make him... | ||
| Jesus, that's a lot of work. | ||
| Yeah, but, I mean, it only takes... | ||
| Like, if people are hacking Macs and people are doing this shit, nowadays with, like, WikiLeaks and all this fucking crazy shit, if you really want to fucking protect yourself... | ||
|
unidentified
|
WikiLeaks? | |
| What are you, the government? | ||
| Well, I mean... | ||
| I think hackers are way above what we know that they are. | ||
| You know, I think people are downloading fucking large amounts of information about anyone. | ||
| I think there's fucking message boards that people probably go, alright, who should we look at their computer today? | ||
| Oh, let's go to see Steven Seagal's. | ||
| Well, have you seen this new thing on the cover of Wired, this month's Wired, about the NSA? Building the most incredible security spying computer system ever where they're going to be able to literally keep a data record of every phone call you make, every text you send, every phone call that gets in and out. | ||
| Sounds like a sting song. | ||
| I mean, could you just stop and imagine that? | ||
| The ability to record every single phone call that gets made throughout the entire country all the time. | ||
| Well, doesn't, like, when we, on Dell, is it Dell? | ||
| There's this big computer somewhere that has all this information on it for years, and then finally it gets thrown out. | ||
| Like, everything we did, everything we did on the computer is stored somewhere. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| That's what I've heard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| I have no backup for that. | ||
| I was hoping you guys would agree with me. | ||
| Are you looking at new cars, Brian? | ||
| You're getting so bored with this podcast? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, by the way, now I'm doing Cleveland. | ||
| I'm not saying it's long. | ||
| I'm doing Cleveland this week. | ||
| Oh, this week. | ||
| No, I'm kidding. | ||
| I think they're cheap, too. | ||
| I'm not saying it's long. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| That was a joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dom. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Love you. | ||
| Love you, buddy. | ||
| Right back at you, big boy. | ||
| This guy's fucking buying cars online over here. | ||
| I'm going to price it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I just wanted to know how much I saw today and it really was cool. | |
| Impulsive little child. | ||
| Can't stay off a website. | ||
| I'm trying to keep this goddamn podcast together. | ||
| This guy's on Xanax. | ||
| You're on marijuana. | ||
| I'm on marijuana. | ||
| And coconut water. | ||
| It is delicious, by the way. | ||
| It is, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Is this one of your sponsors? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| They're our friends, though. | ||
| C2O is the best. | ||
| The reason why C2O coconut water is so delicious is because it comes from Thailand, and they have a very specific, like, it's a small boutique company, a very specific type of coconut. | ||
| It's a small tree, too, apparently. | ||
| Joe, can you go over your sponsors with me one more time? | ||
| Yes, I can. | ||
| But before that, I will tell you, Atlanta, 420, the tabernacle. | ||
| I'm recording my fucking special, bitches. | ||
| First show, sold out. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah, second show, almost sold out. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| Well, there's a couple hundred seats. | ||
| I'm not going to lie to you. | ||
| There's a couple hundred seats left. | ||
| It's a huge place, but there's plenty of tickets. | ||
| Go get them. | ||
| Jump on it. | ||
| Go see Joe. | ||
| He's terrific live. | ||
| It's the best shit I've ever done. | ||
| You know how good I am with numbers? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Like, for instance, Cleveland Hilarities, their number. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In my head, 216-736-4242. | ||
| You had it written down, you motherfucker. | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| I wasn't looking. | ||
| I was depressed. | ||
| I'm looking at your paper. | ||
| You lied to me, you bastard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of a bitch. | |
| Smart as a whip. | ||
| You can sneak a plug in, Dom. | ||
| What exact days are you there? | ||
| Next Wednesday, the 12th? | ||
| Meanwhile, he gave out the phone number. | ||
| Where's the goddamn website? | ||
| This is 2012. What's on my website? | ||
| What is their website? | ||
| Oh, hilarities? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I know mine, domerera.com. | ||
| Domerera. | ||
| I-R-E-R-R-A. I-R-R-E-R-A. R-R-E-R-R-A. And I'll be with Joey Diaz May 17th in Columbus, Ohio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
May 18th in Cleveland. | |
| May 19th in Pittsburgh. | ||
| If you go to desktop.com. | ||
| I-R-R-E-R-R-A. There's two R's at the beginning. | ||
| No, two at the beginning, yeah. | ||
| I-R-R-E-R-A. I-R-R-E-R-A. I-R-R-E-R-A. That's it. | ||
| Next week, Florida. | ||
| Improv. | ||
| April... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| 13th? | ||
| Which one, Joe? | ||
| Fort Lauderdale. | ||
| Oh, I love that club. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| I'll be there in September. | ||
| I'm tightening up for this Tabernacle show, which is the following week. | ||
| So I'm two weeks out. | ||
| So next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday... | ||
| Stop that, Ryan. | ||
| Next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I'll be in Fort Lauderdale with Duncan Trussell. | ||
| And that's the power push up until the final week. | ||
| And that would be the week of the 20th. | ||
| April 20th, Atlanta, at the Tabernacle. | ||
| I'm going to film it. | ||
| Edit it. | ||
| Release it all online myself. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Got a whole new website coming. | ||
| I'm ready to rock and roll with this thing. | ||
| I'm very excited. | ||
| It's the best shit I've ever done, too. | ||
| And I could have done a special about a year ago. | ||
| So this is, I think, is my best stuff ever because it's real tight. | ||
| And it's been more than two years since my last one. | ||
| So I'm coming out. | ||
| Guns blazes, bitches. | ||
| So check us in the Fort Lauderdale Improv. | ||
| That's next week. | ||
| The 13th, 14th, and 15th. | ||
| Me and Duncan Trussell. | ||
| And then the week after that, The Tabernacle in Atlanta. | ||
| JoeRogan.net for more details. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| Please go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN and you can get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Brian, podcast, Friday. | ||
| Yes, Ice House. | ||
| We've got Doug Benson, Freddie Lockhart, Jason Tebow, Joey Diaz. | ||
| A show at the Ice House with Doug Benson, Joe Diaz, Jason Tebow, me. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| I said that, didn't I? Freddie Lockhart, Jason Tebow. | ||
| Did I say Joey Diaz? | ||
| Doug Benson. | ||
| Doug Benson? | ||
| I might have said it. | ||
| Look, it's going to be a hell of a goddamn show. | ||
| And it sells out quick because it's only 85 seats. | ||
| Oh, Iko Tanaka is awesome. | ||
| Oh, are you doing the other room? | ||
| When are we going to do that other room again? | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| Oh, the main room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We'll try to do that again. | ||
| That's hard to get, though. | ||
| Yeah, that was good. | ||
| We've got to get that shit. | ||
| We'll book it in advance. | ||
| What's hard to get? | ||
| Last minute main room at Ice House. | ||
| Yeah, they booked that shit in advance. | ||
| You do the Ice House, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's a great club. | ||
| I love that club. | ||
| We do the podcast there, often, on a regular basis. | ||
| You were there, Dom. | ||
| I wasn't. | ||
| I'd like to stop in when you're there, man. | ||
| Come on down, sir! | ||
| Are you there Friday? | ||
| What are you doing this Friday? | ||
| Friday, I... No, I already got two spots Friday. | ||
| Where? | ||
| What time? | ||
| Laugh Factory and the store. | ||
| What time are your spots? | ||
| 10 and 11 something. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Throwing you up late. | ||
| Well, no, I put in for late so I could watch the games. | ||
| Sleep in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sleep in till 9. All right, so that's it. | |
| My cousin John Wagner, they're doing a scholarship thing for him in Philly on the 21st of April. | ||
| So look on my Twitter and I'll post it. | ||
| Your tweeter? | ||
| Your Twitter. | ||
| Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I-R-R-E-R-A. I'm so fucking retarded. | |
| Dom, I rarely just shut up. | ||
| Thanks to Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Go check out Alpha Brain, New Mood, Troom Tech Sport, Troom Tech Immune, and go get yourself some money off by using the code name ROGAN. You'll save yourself 10% off all orders. | ||
| All right, you dirty freaks. | ||
| We'll see you tomorrow with Jim Jeffries. | ||
| I love Jim Jeffries. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| We'll be starting around 5 p.m. | ||
| Pacific Coast time because Jim has a show out this away. | ||
| He's going to be at the Canyon Club tomorrow night. | ||
| If you don't know and you live in Agoura Hills, go check out one of the top stand-ups in the country right now, Jim Jeffries, the Australian lad, and he's going to be here tomorrow. | ||
| He'll tell you all about it. | ||
| So don't miss tomorrow. | ||
| We love you, and we'll see you soon. | ||
| Bye bye now. |
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