March 27, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:57:27
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| the Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by the flashlight If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy from me. | ||
| That's the sound of opening The Fleshlight. | ||
| That's what it sounds like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen the new ones? | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a new design. | |
| It's called, I think, the Pilot or something. | ||
| And it's really slick. | ||
| It looks like an Alienware computer of fleshlights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just designed really cool. | |
| Really neat form. | ||
| Do you really care what something looks like, though, while you're fucking it? | ||
| Well, if I'm going to have it on my shelf or in my kitchen, it looks better. | ||
| It's not a human, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, I don't care. | |
| Really? | ||
| What do you care what it looks like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just the, you know, so if somebody sees it, it looks cooler. | |
| Kind of like why you buy like a, instead of buying like a, you know, a shitty computer, like that you get $300 at Fry's, you see like that, wow, look at that crazy robot computer, you know, that's, it's cooler to look at if you have it in your kitchen. | ||
| It's just got more nerd cred. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you should look at it. | |
| Go to Fleshlight.com, you can actually see it. | ||
| Or you go through to your website and click on the link and then it opens up Fleshlight. | ||
| And then you enter in the code name ROGEN and you get 15% off. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of Alpha Brain. | ||
| Maybe someone was on some Alpha Brain when they designed that shit, man. | ||
| It looks like some sort of a bong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of naked girls on that site. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, here's a tip. | |
| Don't click on that shit while you're at work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do not click on Flesh Jack. | |
| I accidentally did that and it becomes the most craziest website ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It starts showing bears. | |
| And guys, like, hugging each other while using fleshlights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, look at this. | |
| Let's try a... | ||
| You just click on this, and then next thing you know, it's just like, hey, look at me looking at my fleshlight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's like a gay version of the fleshlight, but it's called Fleshjack. | ||
| It's called the Fleshjack Boys. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's just a bunch of guys and... | |
| Fucking fleshlights with other guys, where other guys are kissing. | ||
| And I don't know how I got on this one, but there's one. | ||
| Somewhere in here, there's two really hairy men that look like Burt Kreischer and Tom Segura hugging each other while using a fleshlight on each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really horrible. | |
| This is hilarious. | ||
| It's dudes masturbating into these fleshlight mouths. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, I wish I could find it. | |
| Look for the hairy bear guys that are sitting on each other's laps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hilarious. | |
| Can you imagine somebody jerking you off, a man whacking you off with a fucking fleshlight with your dick? | ||
| Not even in his hand, but in his little milkshake cup. | ||
| And he's like, how does it feel just whacking you the fuck off? | ||
| Where does your fucking life go from there? | ||
| Thank you, Fleshlight, for promoting Freaks R Us and shit now. | ||
| It's tremendous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| Some people would like it, though. | ||
| No, they would! | ||
| Everybody's got their own little kink, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I guess. | |
| Some people would like that. | ||
| If I was gay and I had wanted my hairy friend to sit behind me and jack me off slowly while he kissed me in the back of the neck and started licking inside my ear and wrestling with my hair... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but the reason to become gay is to fuck other people's asshole up. | |
| It's not to whack off in a cup. | ||
| I could whack off in a cup and be straight and be hanging out with guys, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Well, all gay means is that they're sexually attracted to men, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
To men, correct. | |
| They can do it all kinds of different ways, right? | ||
| But I'd even never liked a woman whacking me off. | ||
| Can you imagine with a couple women, what do I need you for? | ||
| It's like an oxytundrum, whatever the fuck that word is. | ||
| Apparently, I talked to a gay couple after a show once who wanted to correct me. | ||
| And they wanted to let me know that not everyone who's gay takes it in the ass. | ||
| So I was like, alright. | ||
| So what do you do? | ||
| Do you just blow each other? | ||
| And the guy was like, yeah, basically. | ||
| I'm like, why would you care if that distinction is even out there? | ||
| Why would you even want anyone to know what your bedroom practices are? | ||
| We don't even do that. | ||
| You don't even do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Why do I need to know this? | ||
| You're telling me that people don't? | ||
| You know? | ||
| They certainly do. | ||
| So, can't you make fun of that? | ||
| Isn't that okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's open waters. | |
| It's open waters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For them bear pirates. | |
| I have nothing against nobody. | ||
| I just don't understand why get a cup and have a guy come over and whack you off with a cup. | ||
| I don't get it, but if that's your kink. | ||
| But if that's your kink. | ||
| A lot of people like fucking walking off by women's feet. | ||
| A lot of people like a lot of crazy shit. | ||
| People could like the craziest combinations of shit. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking weirdos out there, man. | ||
| I used to date a chick that used to suck my fucking nipples. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, get away from my nipples. | |
| Trying to suck your fucking nipples, and that was her freak. | ||
| She wanted to suck your nipples because that's how she got off. | ||
| I used to date a Korean chick that you would have to cum on her face, and then she would have to masturbate for her to cum. | ||
| Because the warmth from the fucking jizz on her face got her all excited. | ||
| That's the only way you could get her to cum? | ||
| That's the only way, and she was a fucking savage! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like getting a raft rash. | |
| Like when you used to do that body surfing thing on those rafts and the salt water and the sand would just start scratching your chest up when you're a kid. | ||
| Yeah, they don't work. | ||
| They're dead. | ||
| But I have a friend, my friend Brian Holloway from Executive Billiards and White Plains. | ||
| He used to love girls playing with his nipple. | ||
| He'd talk about it too. | ||
| He's a freak. | ||
| Man! | ||
| He goes, bitch, be playing with my nipple? | ||
| God damn, I get hard as fuck. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| He was a funny dude, man. | ||
| He was like one of those guys that you didn't hang around with at the pool hall who always made everybody. | ||
| He was way funnier than me. | ||
| He was always saying funny shit there. | ||
| What a fucking character. | ||
| But he always talked about his nipples, man. | ||
| Girl, you can't touch my nipples, man. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Everybody's different, you know? | ||
| I think once a girl is with a guy that likes that, it's like us. | ||
| We think everybody likes that. | ||
| So they try that shit and at first it's okay. | ||
| You're like, why are you sucking my fucking lip? | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| I'm trying to crack a nut and you bring me back to fucking childhood here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, which is a cognitive enhancing supplement. | ||
| All the information, if you have any questions, it's very, very detailed on Onnit.com. | ||
| What's funny? | ||
| I got to this point on fleshjack.com where these two pilots, it's like a storyline thing where they just take off their clothes and they're like, hey, we're pilots and now we're working out together with our fleshlights naked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to masturbate together in this air hanger? | |
| Yeah, Brian, I don't think you should watch that. | ||
| I would not be as confident in my sexuality if I was you. | ||
| I wouldn't be as confident to watch those videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's so funny to watch. | |
| I'm not obviously going to sit there and watch it alone in my house. | ||
| I have to have other people in the room, so it's more of a joke. | ||
| Yeah, that is a true thing. | ||
| It's all context. | ||
| If you're looking at something and going, wow, that's so fucking hot. | ||
| You could look at murders and be like, wow. | ||
| If you're watching something really fucked up, it should really be in the presence of a lot of other people. | ||
| So you can evaluate it together. | ||
| That's just shocking shit. | ||
| Watching something fucked up when you're alone and you have to think about it. | ||
| And you get scared and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you have to take off your clothes. | |
| At least it's a bunch of you together. | ||
| You're like, we're all together. | ||
| We're okay. | ||
| Let's make fun of this real quick. | ||
| I don't like watching creepy shit by myself anyway. | ||
| I'll fucking sleep with the light on and shit. | ||
| I don't like none of that stuff at night. | ||
| The other night, The Exorcist was on. | ||
| And I was just scrolling. | ||
| It was like 1.15. | ||
| I think it was Friday night. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| I only watch The Exorcist in the daytime, bitch. | ||
| With the lights on, with the fucking daylight on. | ||
| At the time... | ||
| The devil don't come out of the daylight, though. | ||
| At the time, that was a fucking monster of a movie, man. | ||
| Woo, that was a scary movie. | ||
| There's some scary fucking movies out there. | ||
| Get through this commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Onnit.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Alpha Brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was killing me. | |
| You guys know what it is. | ||
| Listen, it's all... | ||
| They're all nootropics. | ||
| I've said this 100,000 times in the podcast. | ||
| I try not to... | ||
| Almost 200 times, actually. | ||
| We're about our 200th episode. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're celebrating at the Ice House Wednesday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So we'll talk about that on the podcast as well. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, what are they? | ||
| They're all nootropics and the other ones are athletic performance enhancing supplements and the Shroom Tech Immune is an immune enhancing supplement. | ||
| All the information, any questions you have is all available on Onnit.com. | ||
| If you order the first order of 30 pills, if you don't like it, you get 100% of your money back. | ||
| You don't have to send the product back. | ||
| We don't want to rip anybody off. | ||
| I believe in this stuff. | ||
| I've been taking Neutropics and vitamins and supplements for years and years, and they make a big difference. | ||
| I think it's really important to eat healthy, but I think it's also really important to take supplements. | ||
| I think they've had a tremendous impact on me. | ||
| I can feel it, especially when you train hard. | ||
| If you do a lot of work now, you feel the difference between getting the proper nutrients, the proper diet. | ||
| So get into that first, please, before you do anything. | ||
| Google Nootropics. | ||
| But if you're interested, go to Onnit.com. | ||
| And if you enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 10% off any and all orders. | ||
| So go do that. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| Google Nootropics. | ||
| There's a lot of other companies that have some good stuff. | ||
| Bill Romanowski. | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| He's got a great one called Neuro One. | ||
| I like that one, too. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| Podcast about to start. | ||
| Now. | ||
| Joe Diaz is here. | ||
| This is... | ||
| It's official. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Powerful Joey Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? | |
| Always good to see you, my brother. | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| What's up, Red Man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi! | |
| Thank you for having me on Friday night. | ||
| Great time up there at the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| The Ice House has been the funest fucking place to hang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was awesome. | |
| We've been having a good time there, man. | ||
| We're putting Pasadena in the motherfucking map again as shit. | ||
| It's a fun place, man. | ||
| It's a fucking fun place, man. | ||
| It's all nice people. | ||
| Everybody that works there is nice. | ||
| Shows have been fucking great. | ||
| All fun shows. | ||
| We're doing, this Wednesday, we're doing a show in the big room. | ||
| We just announced it. | ||
| Tickets just went out to sell today. | ||
| It's really stupid because the show is tomorrow night. | ||
| But that's how we do. | ||
| You know, we don't do much prior planning. | ||
| But it's at the Ice House in Pasadena in the bigger room. | ||
| And we're going to have a 200th episode podcast and extravaganza. | ||
| And Joe Diaz, are you going to be there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, brother. | |
| I'm out of town. | ||
| You know I love you motherfuckers, you know? | ||
| Where are you headed? | ||
| I'm headed to the fucking capital of debt. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Miami Beach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Miami Beach. | |
| Oh, son. | ||
| Miami Beach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| Yeah, your headline in the improv. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| It's all different now. | ||
| Coconut Grove is all different now. | ||
| It was like a city of sin when we were there years ago. | ||
| Now it's very quiet. | ||
| That whole mall doesn't have no more wet willies. | ||
| No more wet willies? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm staying at the Sinesta Hotel, which is different. | ||
| You know, they have like Coco Walk and they still got Howl at the Moon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, for people who are coked up and want to go in there and sing songs. | ||
| And, you know, they changed it around. | ||
| So it's a different vibe. | ||
| I'm excited about going down there. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| When was the last time you were there? | ||
| Three, four years ago. | ||
| Three years ago in September or something. | ||
| The thing with me was even more than that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You just go to Fort Lauderdale. | ||
| It was too crazy. | ||
| They were the wildest crowd I have ever performed in front of. | ||
| Like, consistently. | ||
| It was like doing comedy in another country. | ||
| It was doing comedy in a country that just had totally different rules. | ||
| Because everywhere else, man, people didn't talk while shows were going on. | ||
| That fucking Miami Improv, man, they would just talk while the entire show was going on. | ||
| You know, just have conversations with each other. | ||
| I remember there was... | ||
| I said something about Oscar De La Hoya. | ||
| And someone in the audience goes, Fuck you, man! | ||
| Fernando Vargas! | ||
| And the other guy goes, Man, fuck both of them, man! | ||
| Who's going to say so, Chavez? | ||
| And then they start arguing back and forth during the show about who is, like, the better boxer. | ||
| Who's like the best boxer ever. | ||
| I'm like, you fucking morons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what are you doing? | |
| You have no control over yourselves? | ||
| You don't even think it for a second and the show is on. | ||
| It wasn't even on their mind, man. | ||
| There was like instant passion, toxoplasma infestation, running rampant through their brain. | ||
| They're jumping up and, you know, calling out Felix Trinidad. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| I remember the one night we were together and the fight almost broke out with the chick and the husband. | ||
| The chick wanted to get spanked and the husband got mad. | ||
| Something to a crazy effect that was going to go on stage. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Then I became friends with the husband and the husband bought us drinks and that was the end of the night. | ||
| There was so much craziness coming out of that place. | ||
| I was there the night the kid quit. | ||
| What's the kid from Boston? | ||
| Real nice sweet guy. | ||
| Comic. | ||
| He was in Big... | ||
| He used to close with We Are The World. | ||
| Oh, Kevin Meaney. | ||
| Kevin Meaney. | ||
| That was that night where he quit. | ||
| You know what happened to Kevin Meaney, right? | ||
| What? | ||
| Kevin Meaney came out of the car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And Greg Fitzsimmons is like really good friends with him. | ||
| Good guy. | ||
| He says all of a sudden the guy's creative. | ||
| All of a sudden he's writing new material. | ||
| He lost a bunch of weight. | ||
| Feels great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, that's cool. | |
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| He was living with a burden, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you know what? | ||
| We all kind of fucking knew. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| I really never had a conversation with the guy. | ||
| But I remember at one point in time, man, he was really fucking funny. | ||
| Yes, he was! | ||
| He fell off for a while, and I don't know why, but I guess that was it. | ||
| It was the burden of being in the closet, but... | ||
| I went to see him with a friend of mine when we were like maybe 19, 19 or 20 at the most. | ||
| I hadn't even done stand-up yet. | ||
| I hadn't started to do stand-up yet. | ||
| And it was a Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he fucking destroyed! | |
| Destroyed. | ||
| We're big pants people! | ||
| He had this thing about big pants and about his family being big pants people. | ||
| It was fucking... | ||
| That was like the early 90s. | ||
| I didn't even know why you couldn't... | ||
| I couldn't write it down for you on paper why it was so funny. | ||
| Was it the early 90s? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He was very... | ||
| No, it was actually before that. | ||
| Because I started stand-up in 88. So it was before I started stand-up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So it was probably like 86. I seen him like at 90 and he was on fire in Denver. | |
| Oh my god, I'm telling you man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fire! | |
| Kevin Meaney at one point in time had a magic. | ||
| He was just one of those guys who could just go on stage and just start talking about shit and it was just funny. | ||
| It was just funny. | ||
| He just had... | ||
| There's a lot of dudes like... | ||
| You know how Brody Stevens got that thing where he hits that weird groove and he can just talk about anything and it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Salt shaker! | ||
| To the left, sir! | ||
| He can say something like that. | ||
| He's just laughing, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to be at Conan tomorrow, by the way. | |
| Oh, powerful Brody Stevens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| It's amazing what kind of burden that must be living with any secret like that. | ||
| I had a friend... | ||
| That I knew for years. | ||
| And he showed up with girls and he drank. | ||
| But then he drank and he just disappeared for three months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was that thing. | ||
| He was gay. | ||
| Somebody told me. | ||
| I seen him up in a park with no shirt on with another guy. | ||
| And I was like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| In a park? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like hiking, hiking. | ||
| You know, like Runyon Canyon. | ||
| You know, like one of those things. | ||
| And I was like, come on. | ||
| And I asked him, and he goes, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, that's what's killing me? | ||
| I don't know how to... | ||
| And what was crazy, I met him on a set of a man movie. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, do you follow me? | ||
| I hear these guys going, fuck those gay cocksuckers and all this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| And he's in the middle of all this. | ||
| So I can imagine. | ||
| I never knew that he was gay until a year or two after we did the fucking movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You follow me? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So, I can just imagine how bad. | ||
| I'm sure I said some dumb shit. | ||
| I think we've all known a few guys that have struggled with that. | ||
| I don't want to say the guy's name, but there's that one guy who's... | ||
| Real good comic, but he drinks a lot because he's gay. | ||
| He's not out about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He drinks a lot because he's gay. | |
| Every single comic I know. | ||
| No, he's like, yeah, I can't get into specifics. | ||
| I shouldn't even have brought it up. | ||
| But I've known guys personally and watched them struggle with that. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It's got to fucking suck, man. | ||
| And it's all just because of intolerance. | ||
| Who gives a fuck if someone's gay? | ||
| As long as I can trust you, do not fuck me when I'm drunk. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You know, I don't care if someone's gay. | ||
| Remember Jeff, Jeff Richards from the comedy store? | ||
| The piano player. | ||
| Yeah, the piano player? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| That guy's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeff Richards. | |
| I'm not Jeff Richards. | ||
| I call him Jeff Richards. | ||
| Jeff Richards. | ||
| No, no, Jeff Richards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about, Joe? | |
| Jeff Richards is the comedian. | ||
| The comedian from Saturday Night Live. | ||
| The other guy is the piano player that he would do Pee Wee Herb and stuff like that. | ||
| Why can't I remember his last name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeff Scott. | |
| Jeff Scott. | ||
| Fucking great guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeff Scott. | |
| My apologies, sir. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| I have too many numbers. | ||
| It's called Dunbar's Syndrome or something like that. | ||
| You can only store like 150 fucking names and faces in your head. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| But yeah, I mean that guy was like... | ||
| Openly gay and the coolest guy to hang out with. | ||
| Like one of us. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| Who would care that that's what he's into? | ||
| He would joke around about it. | ||
| It would be fun. | ||
| Who would care? | ||
| The only reason you would care is because you're trying to control something that's going on inside of you. | ||
| Or you've got some weird, ridiculous notions that are some religious notions about what another person should and shouldn't do. | ||
| Other than that, Why would you give a fuck? | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do people trip out about that? | |
| Because they do, bro. | ||
| They just do. | ||
| You know, I grew up around them. | ||
| My mother had a bar, plus she was a half a fag hag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| A half a fag hag! | ||
| Yeah, my mother was half a fag hag because she had the bar, you know, and they were down there. | ||
| And I grew up with it, and there was one particular guy that died, and he used to always tease me when I was a kid. | ||
| I'm going to fucking tie you up. | ||
| And I would go, Mommy, and he would just tease me, you know. | ||
| But I never really... | ||
| I'll tell you where I really learned a lot about... | ||
| The whole gay society was when I got locked up because they had an AIDS unit. | ||
| And this prison. | ||
| That's when AIDS started to get big and they didn't know how to handle them. | ||
| And what year was this? | ||
| This is 87. I was very fortunate. | ||
| And here they had these barracks that you lived in, but the AIDS unit, you could eat off the fucking floor. | ||
| And they had a big TV and they had refrigerators. | ||
| So people were like, we don't talk to those motherfuckers. | ||
| But there was a couple guys that said, dog, they go down there and play cards, they cook, go down there. | ||
| So I'd start going down there and I ran my action out of there most of the time, like my gambling, because I had a TV, a big colored TV. And I got to talk to them and ask them how they got the age. | ||
| You know, some people are like, I don't know how I got it! | ||
| You know, stop it. | ||
| You know exactly how the fuck you got it. | ||
| You even narrow it down to the night. | ||
| Because once they read you that riot act, you know exactly what night you got it. | ||
| And half of these guys were junkers. | ||
| There was only five or six in the unit. | ||
| There was two guys that got it from sex, and the other five got it from junking. | ||
| You know, those syringes. | ||
| That blood shit is horrible in the 70s. | ||
| Horrible! | ||
| And you know, you talk about... | ||
| It's like us right now. | ||
| We're like, yeah, we go out and we meet a girl. | ||
| We tell them to put on a... | ||
| We put a condom on and shit. | ||
| That's just like fucking without a condom. | ||
| Fucking 20 chicks a night without a condom. | ||
| Sharing your one needle with somebody on the street corner. | ||
| They're coming up to you going, you got $3. | ||
| Yeah, I got $2. | ||
| too let's buy a bag and share the fucking rig share the fucking rig and they wash it out with beer you know i'm saying like they put beer in it and squirt it out or whatever i'm really i don't I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I don't think, if you're buying heroin on the street with a syringe, I don't think you're going to ride it to buy fucking pharmacy to buy alcohol. | ||
| Yeah, you know. | ||
| So all those people in the 70s didn't really know. | ||
| I mean, if they do a real statistic count, how many people just got buried thinking they had the pneumonia that had HIV? | ||
| You know, it's like they found out years later that, what's that shit when you get abscesses in your mouth? | ||
| That they kill you. | ||
| And they went back in time, whatever, and they had skulls, and you could see the abscesses had grown. | ||
| And they realize now, with today's medicine, they would have saved these people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, you don't know that shit. | ||
| We don't fucking know. | ||
| But just the burden of living with something like the burden I had. | ||
| even with just somebody trying to hide an addiction. | ||
| That's the same burden as me being gay or not wanting somebody to know or me being a thief at night or me being the ice man and killing people and coming home to my family in the daytime. | ||
| Those burdens have to weigh dramatically on you. | ||
| They worry your mind because they go deep into your psyche. | ||
| It's a secret. | ||
| So somewhere along the line, if it affects you there, it has to affect the other parts of your life. | ||
| And eventually you're going to blow because you're borrowing from Peter to pay Paul emotionally, which is the fucking worst when you're playing with your emotions. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, and when you're constantly spending energy trying to trick yourself from thinking that everything is alright, that's like, you don't even have half your brain. | ||
| Because it's like, your whole brain is in conflict. | ||
| Like, you have the rest of the thinking and planning and looking objectively at your future, that doesn't even take place. | ||
| Because all you're doing is dealing with whatever's fucking with you, whatever weird issue it is. | ||
| Humans are so strange, man. | ||
| It's so strange how we lock on to behavior patterns like that. | ||
| Like, you'll see people that get addicted to gambling. | ||
| I mean, that's a simple behavior pattern. | ||
| Something happened along the line, and their mind, their reward system got... | ||
| Completely addicted to these giant jolts that they get from risking money. | ||
| And when they don't have that, they don't feel alive. | ||
| When they do a regular job and sit there with what they would call squares and just sit around all day with a bunch of fucking people that just don't want to take any chances and put 15% on every tip. | ||
| They want to fucking roll dice. | ||
| They want to see what happens. | ||
| They want to give it a chance. | ||
| And they get suckered in. | ||
| And then it consumes them. | ||
| I've seen guys become homeless gambling junkies. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I've actually seen them. | ||
| They used to have an apartment. | ||
| Yeah, that guy. | ||
| Yeah, but guys from the pool hall from back in White Plains, I saw a couple guys go homeless. | ||
| There was a lot of older dudes, especially, that would, like, in their 60s and 70s, come in yelling about a fucking horse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This motherfucker come in five, you know, yelling the numbers out for the lottery. | |
| I got 5627. The motherfucking 5626. And all the things I've read and all the shows I've seen about gambling, because it's always fucked with me because my mother was hooked. | ||
| So I was successful. | ||
| I was successful to that. | ||
| Successful. | ||
| To that disease. | ||
| I didn't say it right. | ||
| When I was 18, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Successful. | |
| And all the things they do is, deep down inside, these people want to lose. | ||
| These people want to lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That's why they... | ||
| I mean, nobody ever says to you, I just got a ticket. | ||
| I just got fucking pulled over and fucked in the ass. | ||
| These people come in and sit there drinking and going, what's up, dog? | ||
| Those fucking Boston Celtic motherfuckers. | ||
| They didn't cover the spread. | ||
| And they'll tell you their whole night and how they're down 1,200. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And how tomorrow, you're looking at them like, oh my God. | ||
| And I almost got hooked on gambling, Joe. | ||
| When I was 18, I was close. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I figured out that this is the cocaine logic. | ||
| I figured out that I had two vices. | ||
| I like to gamble, and I like to snort. | ||
| I got to pick one or pick the other. | ||
| There's nothing... | ||
| The Coke pushed the gambling out of your life. | ||
| Coke was like, this could really get in the way. | ||
| Yeah, this is getting in the way. | ||
| Because one thing, I was, you know, when you're addicted, you're weak and you're vulnerable to money and the quick score. | ||
| But I also knew there was another side to that coin. | ||
| And the coin was, you have to pay somebody if you lose. | ||
| And 85% of the time... | ||
| You lose. | ||
| And let me tell you something. | ||
| If I'm going to give somebody $600, listen, if I'm selling blow and I'm mugging people and I'm making four or five grand a week, I don't mind giving you a grand. | ||
| That's the cost of doing business. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You're out there. | ||
| You're talking shit. | ||
| I got the dicks, those cocksuckers. | ||
| Something. | ||
| Conversation. | ||
| But if I'm earning a living, like I gotta get up and go to work, God forbid I gotta give my money to some idiot because I bet the fucking Knicks and they wanna play fucking jungle handball and I'm not gonna cover this fucking spread here. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| So I said, if I'm gonna waste $200 on gambling, I might as well spend $200 on snorting and look out a window and get something out of it. | ||
| At least I'm paranoid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| I get something out of it. | ||
| You know, insurance is like gambling. | ||
| When you buy insurance, they don't give you nothing. | ||
| You sign a paper. | ||
| That's why insurance is the hardest sale in the fucking world. | ||
| You get a handshake. | ||
| It's like gambling. | ||
| When you lose, it's the same fucking logic. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| There's nothing. | ||
| It's just a transfer of paper. | ||
| What is gambling at the end? | ||
| When you gamble on something, it's not like you could gamble on yourself. | ||
| I could go fight Jon Jones. | ||
| I could get on the fucking horse myself. | ||
| It's the same kind of logic, Joe Rogan. | ||
| We get nothing for it. | ||
| Just a transfer of fucking money. | ||
| And it always ends up you giving up that fucking cash. | ||
| It never comes the other way every once in a great while. | ||
| Is there anybody that's like a really good gambler that's out there making a living gambling on sports? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| But their IQs have to be fucking phenomenal and they control. | ||
| And they have to have the control of an older gentleman. | ||
| You have to know. | ||
| This is a scene of the goddamn movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| If you're fucking 21 and I give you 80 grand on a Friday night, you're going to Vegas and you're going to fuck Kim Kardashian in the ass. | ||
| You're going to spend every fucking dime of it. | ||
| But a controlled gambler is somebody who says, you know what? | ||
| Just because there's a game on Tuesday don't mean I got to gamble. | ||
| I'm saving my money for Thursday. | ||
| In fact, I'm going to call. | ||
| They outwit the book. | ||
| They call the book and fuck with the book. | ||
| Hey, it's Tuesday, but what's the line on Thursday? | ||
| And they start fucking with the books and start calling. | ||
| It's a system, Joe. | ||
| And the people who make money, it's like anything else, Joe Rogan. | ||
| There's comics like, man, don't have millions, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then there's comics that figured out how to become a label and a business. | ||
| And the same thing happens with gambling. | ||
| There's people who just come and go through gambling and when they go, they lose a house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, they lose a house, a wife, 10 cars, a job because it affects everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But with fucking... | ||
| We had my friend Jimmy Burke on, and that was his story of his childhood. | ||
| His dad would just go off. | ||
| Go off. | ||
| Just go off and owe money and lose the house, and that would be it. | ||
| You know who the biggest gambling loser was of our time? | ||
| Who? | ||
| John Gotti. | ||
| A million a month cash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| $250,000 a weekend. | ||
| He was making $12 million a fucking year. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He won once in a while. | ||
| The feds got documents they were thinking of putting a thing out. | ||
| The biggest loser ever sports-wise. | ||
| Degenerate. | ||
| Degenerate. | ||
| That's why you gotta look at a guy like that and go, that motherfucker dressed in $2,000 suits when he was just walking the streets. | ||
| How much was he really stealing? | ||
| He was stealing because he was a degenerate He's a gambler from the fucking cards to fucking dice to fucking sports to everything. | ||
| And he would lie. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like he'd lie about his losses. | ||
| He'd go to them and go, I need $300,000 to put money on the street. | ||
| No, he was losing. | ||
| But on the other hand, the guy was loyal because he paid his debts. | ||
| A lot of people like that will just say, suck my dick. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| It's John Gotti. | ||
| He paid his debts. | ||
| He paid every fucking debt. | ||
| Nobody ever said the guy didn't pay his debts. | ||
| He paid his debts. | ||
| But he was a disgusting gambler. | ||
| He was a weird mob boss. | ||
| He was a killer. | ||
| Because, like, all of a sudden, like, he was a star. | ||
| It was really strange. | ||
| He was, like, the first one that seemed to, like, relish the role. | ||
| You know, remember when they couldn't catch him with anything and they'd call him the Teflon Don and he thought that he'd had that big bald dude that was a mafia-style lawyer? | ||
| Remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| What was that guy's name? | ||
| Cutler. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Bruce Cutler. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And he was his lawyer, and he was like the celebrity lawyer for John Gotti, and the way he always defended him was like, whoa, this guy's got this super intelligent bulldog legal guy on his side, and he's just going to fucking do battle with the system. | ||
| Meanwhile, everybody knows he's the head of organized crime, and they're trying to figure out how to pin it on him. | ||
| It was the weirdest thing, watching it all play out in the news. | ||
| It's like, how is this guy just running around? | ||
| You know he's the organized crime guy, and they're just trying to figure out how to bust him? | ||
| It's real strange. | ||
| It's like watching Law& Order play out like that. | ||
| Where they're convinced the guy is guilty, but they can't get a conviction. | ||
| For a long time, they couldn't get a conviction on him, right? | ||
| That was his nickname. | ||
| The beauty of it is, in May, we're going to New York. | ||
| I don't know if Brian's going to know who's going. | ||
| Sold out already. | ||
| And one of the nights when we get there, we're going to go to Spark Steakhouse and park outside. | ||
| Is that the place where... | ||
| And you're just going to park outside, and I want you to just sit, close your eyes, and think about the balls it takes to shoot somebody at 5.30 on Christmas week at that place. | ||
| Just the balls. | ||
| Because once he did that, who's going to argue with you? | ||
| He didn't shoot him in the head. | ||
| He didn't poison him. | ||
| He got five guys. | ||
| He talked. | ||
| Talked five guys. | ||
| So he went and talked Brody, Ari, Duncan into going around the car and shooting this motherfucker when he comes out. | ||
| And they got away with it in broad daylight. | ||
| All of them shot him at once? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Five fucking guns coming at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Papa. | |
| And Gravano and whatever were in a car. | ||
| And he talked five guys to shoot. | ||
| They called themselves the fist. | ||
| The five hands. | ||
| And they just went out there and shot this motherfucker at 530 at night, December the 15th or something. | ||
| When you sit there and you feel what it takes to get that, that's when you'll go, I get it. | ||
| I get what this guy did. | ||
| He did, you know, he, he, uh... | ||
| He did something that's amazing. | ||
| Shooting somebody at the House of Blues at 8 o'clock at night during a premiere. | ||
| This guy did something that was just ballsy. | ||
| There was no argument after that. | ||
| He just took over. | ||
| So what was it? | ||
| That everybody thought he was just so crazy after that? | ||
| That's it! | ||
| They were going to kill him because he was selling heroin. | ||
| He said, either I'm going or you're going, bitch. | ||
| And he talked to everybody, and he goes, here's the deal. | ||
| I'll cut yous in. | ||
| We'll all become millionaires. | ||
| But this motherfucker's got to go. | ||
| And they sat down, and they set up a fake meeting to meet everybody there. | ||
| And these motherfuckers got out of the car, and five guys got out dressed as Russians with the hats, with the jackets like they were donating, and started unloading on these guys. | ||
| Look at the pictures. | ||
| Look at the pictures. | ||
| The guy's on the street with a towel on him with blood coming out. | ||
| But the thing that happened with Gotti is what Alex Jones talks about. | ||
| They went after Gotti. | ||
| The first time Gotti fucked him up, spit in their face. | ||
| Gotti, well listen, when you beat the government, you take your money, you take your pieces and you go home. | ||
| The government ain't going to stand there. | ||
| The government is a business. | ||
| The government puts a million dollars a year into following Joe Rogan. | ||
| Eventually, we're going to collect on that investment. | ||
| And we're going to do whatever it takes to collect on that investment, my friend. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Plain and simple. | ||
| When the government wants you, they're coming to get you. | ||
| And that's one situation where he beat him. | ||
| He beat him with jewelry tamping. | ||
| They went back at him. | ||
| He beat him again with something. | ||
| Then they put wires everywhere, which the wires were fucking illegal. | ||
| They put them everywhere. | ||
| But the guy talked. | ||
| They're not illegal anymore. | ||
| No, but the guy heard himself talking. | ||
| I mean, the guy was a moron, let's face it. | ||
| He heard himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was crazy. | |
| He was just such a buck-wild guy to be in control of an organized crime or a big thing like the mob. | ||
| People bringing you money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can you imagine, Brian, people just come on Thursdays and bring you $80,000. | ||
| Tripoli brings you 100 grand. | ||
| I bring you 40. This is it. | ||
| This is what you do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine if all wires were illegal? | |
| Like all wires. | ||
| All wires? | ||
| Like wires everywhere. | ||
| Like you weren't allowed to have wires. | ||
| What? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| And it's very sad. | ||
| What the government doesn't know is that, all right, call Gravano whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| I mean, you know, I just read something the other day about this motherfucker. | ||
| They're going to reconvict him because in 19... | ||
| He's still alive? | ||
| He's still alive, but he's all fucked up. | ||
| Where is he? | ||
| In 1980, he's in Colorado in Tomahawk, under the fucking prison. | ||
| And he's all fucked up from the steroids. | ||
| His hair fell out. | ||
| His teeth are falling out. | ||
| He's got some central nervous disease like Mitzi Shaw. | ||
| He shakes and shit. | ||
| God bless him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| God bless him. | ||
| When the government took him and talked him into pretty much ratting on this guy, they just realized all his sins that he never copped to. | ||
| Now he's getting convicted because now they're throwing everything at him. | ||
| In 83, he was going around buying lottery tickets. | ||
| So if you knew in the neighborhood, if you hit the lottery for $800,000, it was $8 million, come to Gravano, he'll buy the ticket because then he had a legal way of getting income. | ||
| You know how many fucking tickets he bought that year? | ||
| You know how many tickets that idiot bought that year? | ||
| $800, a million cash he bought off the people. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Just so he would have annuities. | ||
| So it just made it look like he was just winning the lottery left and right? | ||
| Everybody in his house won the lottery one year. | ||
| The daughter, the daughter. | ||
| You know that Whitey Bulger did that too. | ||
| Whitey Bulger won the lottery twice. | ||
| It's like the balls of these cocksuckers. | ||
| It never ends! | ||
| But here's the weird thing. | ||
| I've told you this before. | ||
| At the end, after they had Gravano in, they were making loan shark collections. | ||
| He was still calling the people going, I don't give a fuck if I'm in prison. | ||
| You're going to have two feds going by and picking up the money for you. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| That's documented to people. | ||
| The feds went and collected his money. | ||
| That's how much they wanted Gotti. | ||
| That they just cut a deal with the devil. | ||
| They just cut a deal with the devil just to go after fucking this degenerate fucking dude. | ||
| And Gravano was like easily just as bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I mean, the stuff that he had done, just as bad, right? | ||
| He murdered a bunch of people, right? | ||
| Yeah, but he wasn't like a straight up guy. | ||
| He was like a fucking con guy. | ||
| But he got out. | ||
| He got out. | ||
| For why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what people don't understand. | ||
| Like, the government let a known killer out. | ||
| He talked him out of it. | ||
| He was a tremendous negotiator. | ||
| He got to keep his 20 million. | ||
| He got five years. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| He got to keep his 20 million from illegal activities. | ||
| And then what happened? | ||
| He was selling ecstasy or something? | ||
| Ecstasy in Arizona. | ||
| In Arizona. | ||
| That's when we met the daughter at the improv. | ||
| The daughter came to the show that time. | ||
| The one that's on Mobwise now, the chubby one. | ||
| Came to one of our shows in Tempe one time with your buddy, the ex-fighter, the bodybuilder guy. | ||
| He had a bunch of broads with him. | ||
| And I was making fun of him. | ||
| I said something about the town at Sammy the Bull. | ||
| And afterward, he goes, I got his daughter here. | ||
| Be careful what you say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| That was his daughter that was there with us, that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is 98, 99. I can barely remember, but I'm kind of remembering it now. | |
| Yeah, that was a long time ago. | ||
| A lot of freaks, dog. | ||
| Well, Arizona is a strange place. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| Brian pointed out to me once, we were in Scottsdale, and we were hanging out, having a good old time, and Brian goes, everyone's on coke. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| And he goes, you look around, he clued me in on the mannerisms, and he goes, go walk up to them, they'll be having a conversation where they'll be really fucking sincere, but they'll be talking about what's better, coke or pepsi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right when I say that, we looked over and everybody at the same time was wiping their nose and going like this. | |
| It was just weird. | ||
| It was like a movie. | ||
| If it was in a movie, it would be too over the top. | ||
| You'd be like, no, there's not that many people on coke at the club. | ||
| But this place was, it was redonkulous. | ||
| I don't know if it's still like that. | ||
| You know, cultures, the coke comes and goes. | ||
| People are always going to want coke. | ||
| But the coke cultures, like, kind of die off a little bit. | ||
| There's a lot of people who try to get their act together. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of people who don't like the way that that wrecks their fucking body, and they're trying to get out of it. | ||
| I really, really... | ||
| Did you put white powder on your nose or something? | ||
| I really, really, really would like to know the amount of coke that comes into just our country every year. | ||
| Just to figure it the fuck out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you think? | |
| I gotta be, it's gotta be in the metric tons. | ||
| Where do you think it's coming in? | ||
| How do you think it's getting there? | ||
| Mexico. | ||
| But what, like, who's bringing it in? | ||
| Is it like big overseas companies? | ||
| The Colombians cut their hands. | ||
| The Colombians grow it now and they say, look, we got too much money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| We've been doing this for 80 years. | ||
| We're sick of this shit. | ||
| Cotton and governments and helicopters. | ||
| Do this. | ||
| Come down, buy a package, take it. | ||
| So it's just like an awesome neighborhood where you can buy coke. | ||
| In the old days, see the Colombians in the old days, a guy named Carlos Lader went to the Medellin cartel and said, you motherfuckers don't know nothing about transporting. | ||
| You guys are missing the boat here. | ||
| You guys are just selling it. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| We're going to sell it, transport it, take it to the United States, cut it, sell it again, and we're going to take all that profit A to Z. We're just not going to make our money in ABC. We're going to go A to Z right to the fucking streets. | ||
| We're going to put our people in there. | ||
| This guy was a college-educated fucking coke dealer, and he went and he put that island, Barbados, whatever, the one below. | ||
| That's supposed to be Carlos laid there. | ||
| He's the one that the Medellin cartel gave him up when Bush wanted something. | ||
| I gotta get something, guys. | ||
| You guys are down there making millions. | ||
| We got Noriega. | ||
| You know, because they went down and just told Noriega, it's over. | ||
| Give us the keys to your bank book. | ||
| Give us your bank book. | ||
| Give us the name of the dealer, because we're in on that 10%. | ||
| And we're taking everything. | ||
| You know what you're getting? | ||
| What's behind door number A. $20,000, a plane ticket, and a yo-yo. | ||
| We always throw in a yo-yo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| Louis Noriega was a known drug trafficker, right? | ||
| That was the deal. | ||
| He was running Panama, right? | ||
| What's the real deal? | ||
| Here's the deal with the Colombians. | ||
| The Colombians have a saying. | ||
| What's the saying, Brian? | ||
| Blobo or ploppa? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not what I was thinking. | |
| That means either you're taking a bullet or you're taking cash. | ||
| I know you're Catholic and you're Christian and your wife goes to church every Sunday, but it's either Pluto or Plata. | ||
| So whether you're corrupt or not, you either take the money or we're going to put a bullet in your head and we're going to replace it with somebody who will take the money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was thinking, put some oil on that blood. | |
| And that's what it did to Noriega. | ||
| Noriega was funneling hundreds of millions of pounds of coke through his island. | ||
| And let's pretend he's getting a penny a fucking ounce. | ||
| It is kind of an amazing gangster move, though. | ||
| You gotta admit. | ||
| Bush is a bad motherfucker! | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I mean, if you just look at human civilization, if you looked at it as a numbers game and saw the incredible scores that the United States has pulled off... | ||
| You know, putting Saddam Hussein into power, arming him, pictures of them shaking his head, you know, years later, storming a city, shooting missiles in, hanging him on a stairwell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hilarious. | |
| Just before they're going to go on 60 Minutes, those motherfuckers disappear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| It's all a simulation. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| I think it's amazing. | ||
| I mean, look, it's terrible, and it's horrible, and it's awful, and it's disgusting that that's how humanity works. | ||
| But if you just look at it from a sheer mathematics standpoint, like, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's ones and zeros, Joe. | |
| Staggering achievement this one fucked up country has had all over the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That shit you posted the other day, dude, it was tripping me out. | |
| Which one? | ||
| The ones and zeros. | ||
| Everything's a code and they're finding fucking codes inside the... | ||
| That is a really bizarre... | ||
| I have to go over that a bunch of times because... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of gobbity gook. | |
| I don't understand. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| It was a Neil Tyson DeGrasse. | ||
| Is that how you say it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it was another professor. | ||
| I don't remember the other professor's name. | ||
| I should look that up because it was really fascinating. | ||
| But what I don't understand, what they're pretty much, they're finding code, like computer code in things. | ||
| Now, that's the problem I had trying to figure out, like, what were the things that they're finding the code in. | ||
| But what they were kind of getting at, that for some reason, that they're finding that life seems to be a computer code. | ||
| And that we might all be a simulation of ourselves, assimilating ourselves in, like, a computer right now. | ||
| Yeah, this is, by the way, this is like really fairly recent too, this whole thing. | ||
| You could pull it up and this guy can say it and we can sort of like figure out what the fuck he means. | ||
| Just on YouTube, strange computer code discovered concealed in super string. | ||
| Code discovered concealed in super string equations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck's a super string? | |
| Yeah, see, let's let him talk and then try to ape our way through the most rudimentary of explanations. | ||
| Yeah, that gentleman with the glasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever seen Butthole Code before? | |
| The opening, it was weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's saying, what if it really existed? | ||
| Meet Professor James Gates, Jr., theoretical physicist and John S. Toll, professor of physics at the University of Maryland. | ||
| This is all, like, on the screen with graphics. | ||
| While working on superstring theory, Professor Gates discovered something very interesting hidden within the equations. | ||
| See for yourself. | ||
| One of the viewers is responsible for its own conclusions. | ||
| My channel is not responsible for any potential mental instability, this main scene. | ||
| Are they trolling, son? | ||
| Viewer discretion is advised. | ||
| Are they trolling? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here we go. | |
| Well, partly it's taken to these very strange images that are behind your head right now. | ||
| These are pictures of equations. | ||
| I've been, for the last 15 years, trying to answer the kinds of questions that my colleagues have been raising. | ||
| And what I've come to understand is that there are these incredible pictures That contain all the information of a set of equations that are related to string theory. | ||
| And it's even more bizarre than that because when you then try to understand these pictures, you find out that buried in them are computer codes just like the type that you find in a browser when you go surf the web. | ||
| You're saying your attempt to understand the fundamental operations of nature leads you to a set of equations that are indistinguishable from the equations that drive search engines and browsers on our computers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that is correct. | |
| Wait, wait. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have to just be silent. | |
| See, that's where the gobbledygook. | ||
| Yeah, let me try it again. | ||
| So you're saying as you dig deeper, you find computer code Rich in the fabric of the cosmos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Into the equations that we want to use to describe the cosmos, yes. | |
| Computer code. | ||
| Computer code, strings of bits of ones and zeros. | ||
| It's not just sort of resembles computer code, you're saying it is computer code. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not even just is computer code, it's a special kind of computer code That was invented by a scientist named Claude Shannon in the 1940s. | |
| That's what we find very, very deeply inside the equations that occur in string theory and, in general, in systems that we say are supersymmetric. | ||
| Some of those codes are showing on the screen behind you right now. | ||
| They don't look like codes, but these pictures, which we call adinkras, are graphical representations of sets of equations that are based on codes that, in the description, Of our universe. | ||
| That is a supersymmetrical universe which we're going to test in the LHC. If you believe that description, I can show you the presence of these codes. | ||
| That's my statement. | ||
| Do you have any predictions in your ideas or any ways to test any of your ideas any more than, say, the guy over on the screen? | ||
| The work that I'm doing is in fact so theoretical that we don't understand yet whether it is even possible to complete the program. | ||
| We have found these strange graphs. | ||
| We know that they are equivalent to equations. | ||
| And we have found in these equations computer codes. | ||
| And so that's where we are right now. | ||
| So I cannot give you a prediction. | ||
| This work is less than two years old. | ||
| Jesus Christ, I don't understand a fucking word of what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was like... | |
| I do and I don't, folks, if you're at home screaming, listening to this. | ||
| Well, what he's trying to say, quite simply, is that the computer that they're using to decipher everything... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The math that they're using to explain has code in it, but that's like... | |
| That makes no sense. | ||
| It's very difficult to wrap your head around. | ||
| What I understand was that he was saying that the computer... | ||
| That they're using to represent all this stuff. | ||
| They're finding a code in it when they're trying to represent it with a computer, right? | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard the equations that they're using to explain the string theory or something like that. | |
| In those equations, they're finding computer code. | ||
| What's an equation? | ||
| Is an equation already fucking math? | ||
| I'm not quite sure what they're trying to say by saying that. | ||
| I'm assuming that it's like as they're following, as they're using their computer code, the computer represents the universe or represents whatever they're trying to zero in on. | ||
| then they see a pattern that exists in ones and zeros, and they're saying that it's very clear that it's a specific type of pattern that was invented by one certain scientist, so they know exactly what the code should be. | ||
| But what the fuck does that mean? | ||
| Or this is a really hilarious improv comedy class video, viral video. | ||
| Well, we have to stop. | ||
| I mean, it sounds stupid. | ||
| This is one of those weird conversations where you've got to go, why are you even bothering to have this conversation? | ||
| But the reality is... | ||
| When you look at some of the video games that are available right now just for your iPad, this is an incredible leap of, say, just, I mean, my lifetime. | ||
| I was around when Pong came out. | ||
| When we had Pong when I was a kid, it was the shit. | ||
| You couldn't believe that you could make something move on the TV. And it was a black and white TV, by the way. | ||
| We were playing Pong. | ||
| And to go from that in our lifetime to what we're seeing now, graphically, I can only imagine that if you could go a thousand years forward from now... | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| We're easily going to have some sort of an artificial reality. | ||
| The real question is, is this it? | ||
| reality of some other reality? | ||
| Are we plugged in somewhere? | ||
| I mean, is this really like the fucking matrix? | ||
| I mean, are we in some sort of a perfect state of being able to completely control reality in some distant point in the future where we're just locking our consciousness into these crazy scenarios? - When I first heard this, when you first tweeted it, I now find myself trying to do something to get out of this thing, and now I think I'm going crazy. | ||
| I was talking to my cat, and I'm like, if you know this is a simulation, lick your lips right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was doing that kind of test. | |
| I don't think it's that easy. | ||
| But, like, I'm looking now to see if I can hack if this is a reality thing. | ||
| Well, when you hear stuff like this that you don't quite understand, but what they're trying to say, essentially, is that there's some sort of a code to everything. | ||
| And that it looks like, you know, like, it looks like even, like, it possibly has been designed. | ||
| I mean, they didn't say that specifically, but that, you know, if there is a mathematical code to it all. | ||
| Not even saying designed by, like, an entity. | ||
| Maybe just designed by nature. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| But you've got to think that they're going to be able to simulate that eventually. | ||
| If they can get to that, they're going to go from that and then they're going to go to the next stage. | ||
| What is the next stage? | ||
| How does technology take us further and further down the road? | ||
| To the point where we might one day be living inside a fucking computer program. | ||
| And that shit might be going on right now. | ||
| It's like totally, man, it's one of those conversations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a fucking trip that will be. | |
| What if it's something like, remember when you were in elementary school? | ||
| We lost Joey. | ||
| He's fucking picking shit up and staring at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He stared at a USB cable like it had the secrets to the universe in it. | |
| We lost him. | ||
| We went way too deep into the what-if jar for Joey. | ||
| Dog, I ate a fucking half a bank chocolate triple bar before I came up here. | ||
| I know you do. | ||
| You guys are scaring me like Star Trek. | ||
| When I was a kid, I was always scared of Star Trek. | ||
| The music, I would shut that motherfucker off as long as I heard. | ||
| I'd fucking shut that TV off. | ||
| I switch on to something what if we come out of this this virtual reality world and it's something like we go back to like Third grade when we were having a they're checking us for lice And that's when they started it like they they liked they like fucking like put a needle in the back of our neck And then send it put us in this pod and then and then like you wake up and you're that kid again And you're like all right, so that's exactly what life is and that's how it could happen You know it's still wow you're like you know great still oh You know like when somebody goes to... | ||
| I'm not sure I'll follow you. | ||
| Just to explain it a little better, because this is what fucks me up all the time. | ||
| And this is what I see happening that fucking kills me by not being alive in, say, a hundred years. | ||
| Remember in Hannibal, in one of those stupid movies, he drew a picture, and she came to visit him, and she goes, did you draw that? | ||
| He goes, I drew it from memory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Any Spider-Man in the face. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's really weird because people do that. | ||
| They go somewhere and they just remember something that they've seen from and they draw something from memory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Which is pretty fucking brilliant. | ||
| Especially when you have little things that nobody else would know. | ||
| That means you caught that while you were there. | ||
| You know, it's really weird that maybe 30, 40 years from now you could put a hat on, close your fucking eyes, and you could go to Italy for the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or forever. | ||
| You're going to go to Italy for the fucking day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And come back and it's going to cost you $89 and you're going to get on a bus tour and it's really going to fucking take you. | ||
| Have you ever had an experience, any sort of a psychedelic experience that you felt like lasted a long time and then you came back and it was like, you know, it had only been like 10 minutes, 20 minutes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever had one of those? | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's what Ari said. | ||
| Ari said he went somewhere for over a month. | ||
| I think he said for months he felt like. | ||
| He felt like he had friendships there and he was going to miss people and he was living in some strange fucking parallel world. | ||
| No, Salvia. | ||
| And he said he came back 10 minutes later and he was just completely freaked out. | ||
| It was so hard for him to readjust because only 10 minutes had gone by but to him, months had gone by. | ||
| But we talked about it on the podcast, and I got all these tweets from other people that said they had the exact same thing happen to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You feel like while it's happening, though, you have this weird sense that, hey, I know all about this already. | |
| I've been here. | ||
| I've felt this before. | ||
| That's the craziest part about the DMT experience. | ||
| The craziest part about that is that same feeling of, I know this place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know this already. | |
| Yeah, I know this place. | ||
| I know what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| When I first started tripping, I liked tripping with a group. | ||
| When I was 15, 14, you tripped with a group. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it's a completely different experience when we all pop it together at 6, we drink beers, we roll 15 joints and smoke them, and then 8.30, you're tripping. | ||
| And now you're with friends and you're with warmth. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the scariest thing for me was going home. | ||
| 12, 1 o'clock, because you're by yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And this is the most important part of the trip, is answering your questions to yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I'd go home and I'd go in and out. | ||
| Like, I'd put a Pink Floyd album on, you know, Dark Side of the Moon. | ||
| And for two songs, I was fucking gone. | ||
| But for two other songs, I was there saying to myself, oof, I got it together now. | ||
| Now I'm ready to do well. | ||
| Thank God this trip is done. | ||
| And just as I was getting up, that motherfucker came back to me again. | ||
| That's the difference when you do really good acid. | ||
| Now, last week, I've been working a lot on my knee with the bike. | ||
| You told me stationary bike. | ||
| So I usually go over there 45 an hour and I put on for some reason. | ||
| You know, they always say, I was cracking jokes at you guys once that sometimes you hide your weed and you don't know where you put it, but you get high and you'll find it. | ||
| You know, like, it's just amazing when you're in that consciousness again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| I know my weed is. | ||
| It's in a fucking car. | ||
| I just remember because you're high again. | ||
| And it's so weird. | ||
| The other day I was listening to Joe Rogan and Brian. | ||
| This is the weirdest thing that happened. | ||
| I went early and I had gotten up and I smoked and I had a great breakfast. | ||
| And I went to the thing and I put on... | ||
| No Quarter by Led Zeppelin Live. | ||
| And he's got a piece in there that's Jimmy Page playing the guitar that right there answers all your questions about life. | ||
| And I'll never forget, while I was sitting there riding the bike, I'm high, and it took me to where I was. | ||
| And I remember that it wasn't a fucking... | ||
| It wasn't a fucking, it was at a guy, Gunter Brown's house, that studded. | ||
| Gunter Brown, if you ask me again, I'm going to knock you down. | ||
| He was like this dirty white guy, but he was a millionaire. | ||
| His father invented the Dixie cup with the jokes or something. | ||
| And this guy was basically a junkie. | ||
| Like, you'd go over there and he'd say, you want your dick sucked? | ||
| I got a chick that'll suck your dick while you're taking a shit. | ||
| Like, he always had weird, dirty white women over there. | ||
| One time I went over there, I'm like 17, and I did a line of white heroin. | ||
| And he goes, I gotta go run an errand, and I'll be back. | ||
| And he left that album on. | ||
| And I remember that I was sitting up. | ||
| But, in my mind, I was in my fetal position. | ||
| And I was in my mother's womb and I could hear her heartbeat. | ||
| And even though I was, all I could hear was Jimmy Page's guitar. | ||
| And every time I would straighten up, I would see people there not judging me. | ||
| It was the fucking warmth of the room. | ||
| And the warmth was just amazing. | ||
| It was too much. | ||
| And in one corner was like Buddha. | ||
| The other corner was like Jesus. | ||
| Every corner was like a God that I didn't even know, like a Hindu, a Korean with a fucking sword. | ||
| And they weren't there judging me. | ||
| They were just there waiting for something. | ||
| And I remember I would go into the womb and come out of the womb. | ||
| And every time I I go into the womb and come out, Jimmy Page would keep playing that fucking guitar. | ||
| And I could hear my mother's heartbeat. | ||
| My mother was dead this time, so what's your psyche taking over that fucking trip? | ||
| And I could hear, and every time I would pop up, I would see every woman that ever came into my life, dog. | ||
| Whether I knew them or not. | ||
| Your lunch woman, your first grade teacher, the fucking nurse that delivered you to your mother's hands. | ||
| And all of a sudden, dog, I remember the Virgin Mary came out doing a strip fucking tease. | ||
| And this is where I was. | ||
| I'm in this fucking thing, and I don't want to look at the Virgin Mary's pussy. | ||
| But she takes off her fucking undies, and I'll never forget that her pussy was like a picture of me at that age. | ||
| And there was a guy sitting, and the whole time I'm sitting there in this room position, but there's a guy with his back to me going, you don't need the answers they got for you. | ||
| I got the real motherfucking answers to your problem. | ||
| And at that time you're going, I don't need your help, bitch. | ||
| The Virgin Mary's in front of me. | ||
| I got the answer, motherfucker! | ||
| And I remembered that heroin trip, how I cleaned up after that for about a month. | ||
| It was so real and it was eight hours of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he say the Virgin Mary's pussy was him as a child? | |
| As a me. | ||
| It was like me with a little afro and I was like And I forgot that for 20 fucking years. | ||
| My balls are itching. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's how strong that fucking story was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No wonder I always want to touch you. | |
| I never fucking did. | ||
| I didn't do it for years after that. | ||
| I was like, that's a little too fucking strong. | ||
| That's why when you guys talk about that DMT warmth, that warmth is universal like that. | ||
| When you're there at that other level of consciousness, you're tripping. | ||
| You're in deep waters, but something's telling you... | ||
| You're okay. | ||
| It's very loving. | ||
| I mean, people who have bad trips, you know, I don't know what your particular chemistry is, but a lot of it, I do believe, and this is, you know, I'm no expert, clearly, but I do believe a lot of it is shit that's fucking with them already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's overdosing. | |
| It could be that. | ||
| No. | ||
| A bad trip is basically somebody trying to control it. | ||
| You want me to tell you what a bad trip is? | ||
| Seeing yourself. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| But then how come some people do it a few times and they enjoy it and then they'll do it one time and have a bad trip? | ||
| Because they've seen themselves. | ||
| But they do it the first couple times and enjoy it. | ||
| Sure, sure, because we did it in a circle. | ||
| We didn't go home and the phone rang and you seen your face in the mirror fucking melting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right in the mirror of my house. | |
| And you felt warmth and you sat down and all of a sudden you feel like eating and you don't. | ||
| And all of a sudden you start thinking of your childhood and where you went wrong and all the secrets that you have inside of you. | ||
| And now they're in front of you. | ||
| And you've got to deal with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| That's your bad fucking trip. | ||
| That's your bad fucking trip. | ||
| That is what it is. | ||
| It's really, you got a lot of fucked up shit in your own life that you don't appreciate getting illuminated. | ||
| And it's freaking you out. | ||
| It's yourself. | ||
| It's when you trip. | ||
| I can only say from my personal experiences. | ||
| That's been my personal experience. | ||
| When I've had a bad trip, it's always been a... | ||
| And I haven't had anything that was really bad, but I've had some pot ones. | ||
| I had a few pot moments when I first started smoking where I just got way too blasted. | ||
| I just couldn't swim yet. | ||
| I didn't know what I was doing yet. | ||
| And I was just getting overwhelmed by these waves. | ||
| Because what would happen was... | ||
| Whenever you're in even a mild psychedelic-like pot, what it does is it sort of brings you into some different place. | ||
| And if you're trying to resist that in any way, if you're trying to fight that in any way or control it in any way, it's going to overwhelm you, especially if you take enough. | ||
| If you take enough to get paranoid and freaked out, the reason why it's so effective, like, you can learn so much from it, It's the same reason why it's so impactful when it happens, why you can't control it. | ||
| It's just slipping away from you. | ||
| And you'll get overwhelmed with these self-realizations. | ||
| And it could be from shit from a decade ago, man. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It could be an old girlfriend where you said one cruel thing 15, 20 years ago and you feel like a douchebag today. | ||
| Things that you said when you were 15 can haunt you. | ||
| I mean, I've had that happen. | ||
| But I think that's all to get you to look at yourself in a really honest way. | ||
| It's very difficult for us to do. | ||
| I think most of us like to put our blinders on and just sort of stumble through this and make it look as pretty as it possibly can along the way and pretend. | ||
| You know, pretend that we're doing everything correctly. | ||
| But to really, like, assess. | ||
| You know, it's almost like forcing yourself to go to school on yourself. | ||
| You know, people don't want to do any more school work than they already have to. | ||
| You know, if I can get off work at 5 o'clock and I'm done for the day, there's no more thinking. | ||
| Done. | ||
| There's your self-improvement. | ||
| Suck my dick. | ||
| I'm going to sleep. | ||
| Give me my Ambien. | ||
| Stop yelling at me. | ||
| And I think that's a part of it, too. | ||
| I think a lot of people are just too tired to try to improve themselves. | ||
| You know, it's funny that you always talk about how you wash and all that stuff. | ||
| But in reality, if you really look into it, you're a smart guy. | ||
| If you really look into the coca plant, it started out as a mild hallucinogenic that kind of gave you a little bit of energy. | ||
| Yeah, well, the people in high altitudes, they chew the leaves. | ||
| They chew the leaves. | ||
| And apparently it's healthy for you. | ||
| You know, those guys, I read some of those guys who lived to 80, 90, they work under the sun, the altitude. | ||
| Really high up there, too. | ||
| It's we, it's us, that destroyed this drug. | ||
| You know, we put it into powder form and all this shit. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| How do they take it? | ||
| They take it out of the coca leaves and then they somehow or another... | ||
| It becomes a paste. | ||
| It becomes a paste and then they put it on this fucking block. | ||
| I've never processed it. | ||
| You can't get that experience from the coca leaf, right? | ||
| You have to break it down to the white powder to get that cocaine charge. | ||
| I do know one thing. | ||
| I did blow in the 80s and in the late 70s. | ||
| And the blow that's on the street now, it's two complete different highs. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the 70s, in the early 80s, it was cocaine. | ||
| It wasn't processed. | ||
| There was no fillers. | ||
| There was no pink slime. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It just made people feel great. | ||
| It was. | ||
| Bro, it didn't fucking make people lose their houses because it made them feel bad. | ||
| The problem with cocaine was the marketing. | ||
| It wasn't cocaine that was so good. | ||
| It was the marketing. | ||
| We've discussed this. | ||
| The marketing was brilliant. | ||
| They gave it to people who had a lot of money, and musicians and athletes, and they gave people that were poor or 20 minutes of feeling important. | ||
| In the 80s, everybody was sniffing. | ||
| That's how a lot of athletes apparently get hooked after they stop competing. | ||
| They miss a charge. | ||
| They miss something, and then they'll start hanging around with people who party. | ||
| All of a sudden, now they're getting it out of... | ||
| A lot of boxers ended their life that way. | ||
| Sonny Liston. | ||
| Sonny Liston ended his life that way. | ||
| A lot of guys did. | ||
| They would just start doing drugs. | ||
| Joe Lewis, I'm pretty sure he started doing drugs. | ||
| The fucking spark is gone. | ||
| See, the artificial spark, and the artificial spark isn't as good. | ||
| Sugar Ray Leonard had a problem. | ||
| It's like Sevilla fucking sugar. | ||
| It ain't as good as sugar. | ||
| De La Jolla had a problem. | ||
| Yeah, putting on stockings and shit like that. | ||
| Dude, getting coked up, too. | ||
| I put on stockings one night with a chick. | ||
| Were you coked up? | ||
| To the fucking skills. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, everybody was saying. | ||
| She sucked my dick, but I didn't take no pictures. | ||
| Everybody was saying that Oscar De La Hoya is gay. | ||
| And I'm like, no, Oscar De La Hoya does coke. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Just because he's wearing... | ||
| He's hanging out with girls, man. | ||
| Do you understand? | ||
| He's hanging out with these stupid, hot Russian strippers and he's coked out of his mind wearing women's clothes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You refuse to believe that he's just gay. | |
| He might be, but I don't believe so. | ||
| He's been married for 10 years. | ||
| He's been fucking with his sheet on for seven. | ||
| He goes to New York and some Russian chick puts a fucking Chernobyl tongue in his asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| That's your noble tongue, turns the fucking lights out on you. | ||
| You'll be waiting out in line for toilet paper, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| He fucking went bananas. | ||
| It just happens in our society, and what are you going to do? | ||
| It's funny, with Greg that night, we were talking about what cocaine did. | ||
| You know, with acid and pills, nobody lost their fucking house in the 70s. | ||
| You smoked a joint, it was $2. | ||
| Right. | ||
| All of a sudden cocaine came and people were losing their fucking homes. | ||
| So you break it down. | ||
| The experience that you get from chewing the leaves, you can't get that cocaine rush. | ||
| No, not like that. | ||
| You only get like a little mild buzz from chewing the leaves. | ||
| So the only way to get it into your bloodstream the way the cocaine rush is No, but I heard from chewing a massive dose. | ||
| If you keep eating the fucking leaves, you'll get high, you know? | ||
| Maybe you have to eat a whole salad. | ||
| You'll take the positive side of it. | ||
| I think you get the euphoric without that fucking bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry, it's just like a Speed Buds. | |
| Yeah, like that euphoric. | ||
| I wonder, man. | ||
| It opens up everything. | ||
| It's not even unhealthy for you. | ||
| It's really bizarre that that becomes cocaine, which is terrible for people. | ||
| We've all seen a lot of people have cocaine problems. | ||
| And it's a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Yeah, it's terrible. | ||
| I had an ex-girlfriend. | ||
| I had a real problem with it, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate you. | |
| She was scared. | ||
| She was scared that someone could bring it up at a party because she wouldn't be able to say no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're the most annoying people. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It was when I first moved to LA, and the only thing I knew about cocaine was all negative from Boston. | ||
| And I had just gotten done being in this situation where I had to kind of get away from a dude that I knew was selling it, and he was dangerous. | ||
| To Boston. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And so right when I came here, and I started dating this chick, and she was telling me that she had this This cocaine thing. | ||
| She liked it, and she didn't like how much she liked it. | ||
| It made her really nervous. | ||
| And I was like, why? | ||
| She's like, well, I could just see myself just completely fucking up my life for that stuff. | ||
| And I was like, why? | ||
| And she was a very smart girl. | ||
| And if she would go to a party, she said she would get scared if someone pulled it out. | ||
| She gets scared. | ||
| Hey bro, once some people get going, they get fucking going. | ||
| Apparently, man, especially girls. | ||
| I have a friend, I've never done coke. | ||
| Never. | ||
| But I have a friend who did it and started doing it just because of girls. | ||
| That's how he got into it, because girls like it. | ||
| He said, dude, girls will go crazy when you do coke with them. | ||
| He goes, they go crazy. | ||
| So that's why he started doing coke. | ||
| He says, I don't even like it. | ||
| They go fucking bananas. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| And if you get the perfect pigeon, like you get the perfect one that just gets crazy by 4 o'clock when you whip out that second gram. | ||
| You know, when they're walking around naked, they're playing with their pussy, and they're putting coke rocks in their nipples. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| And you see this, and you're like, wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And how they suck dick, how different it is to blowjob. | ||
| Like, they get into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They'll fucking stop and mid-suck and give me another line to get some energy. | ||
| And they'll suck that pipe for another 20 minutes. | ||
| That pipe, that ain't gonna come. | ||
| You ain't gonna come. | ||
| So how long do they suck your dick for? | ||
| 40 minutes. | ||
| And then they drink a beer, they eat a sandwich, and they're back on that helmet another 40 minutes. | ||
| You want to fucking snort, you gotta suck this fucking pipe at death. | ||
| There ain't nothing coming out either. | ||
| So you basically are giving them a blank. | ||
| You're shooting a blank at them for like an hour and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just sour fucking blank that they do get at the end. | |
| It doesn't even shoot out. | ||
| It just drips down your dick like it's watery. | ||
| What is it about coke that keeps you from coming? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| It's the mechanism. | ||
| The mechanism. | ||
| I remember when I got locked up. | ||
| You know, when you're waiting in line to go to the doctor. | ||
| Once you get to prison, they had all these things on a billboard. | ||
| Like, you know, be careful the hepatitis B, shit like that. | ||
| Then they had newspaper articles on coke. | ||
| You know, in the fucking 80s, people were shooting coke into their dick. | ||
| After like two days, they go, fuck it! | ||
| What can I do to enhance this shit? | ||
| I've already lit her on fire. | ||
| I killed one hooker. | ||
| I've come 80 times and I got a big bag of blow left. | ||
| I'll shoot it in my dick directly. | ||
| And their legs would go fucking, like they'd have to get rushed to the hospital. | ||
| They'd lose a leg. | ||
| You know, you have a heart before Viagra and whatever in the 80s. | ||
| People in their deep mind were thinking that if you fucking put coke rocks in your dick, trust me, I was one of them. | ||
| If I would've taken needles, if I would've been able to take needles, I would've shot coke in my dick a couple nights. | ||
| That's how crazy you get. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| If you have a fucking coke bitch, a crazy one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You sprinkle it on her pussy. | |
| Oh, you lick that shit. | ||
| You tell them, you show them that coke rock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, you put that stuff- Oh, they go fucking crazy. | ||
| Suck on it. | ||
| You lick that fucking clit until it's numb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your mouth becomes numb. | |
| Your pussy's numb. | ||
| Then you put some on your helmet. | ||
| You put some in your pee hole. | ||
| You put a Coke rock in your pee hole. | ||
| Tell that bitch to suck it out. | ||
| It's all over. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You put a Coke rock in your pee hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yeah. | |
| Like you load it up like a spitball? | ||
| Right, like a spitball. | ||
| Like a cannon. | ||
| And then they suck it, but the wetness, it gets all gooey and shit like that. | ||
| Okay, so what is it about doing coke that makes people just become crazy? | ||
| Just makes people freaky and makes people just, what is the feelings? | ||
| I've never experienced it. | ||
| I don't want to know. | ||
| You want the original, the middle, or the last result? | ||
| Any of the above. | ||
| The beginning, it's like getting laid for the first time if somebody opens Pandora. | ||
| Either you like it or you don't. | ||
| Like a foreigner song? | ||
| But what happens is socially, socially, socially, once you do it, it lifts you. | ||
| It lifts you. | ||
| It lifts you to a different level of people like you think. | ||
| That's how it gets you. | ||
| It's like anything else, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Gambling. | ||
| How do you get addicted? | ||
| Listen, Doc, I want a lift. | ||
| I've never had biceps, Doc, okay? | ||
| I want a shot to help me get biceps. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| You shoot a fucking shot. | ||
| Next thing you know, you got a bicep in your shoulders. | ||
| Next thing you know, you got the doctors every week shooting fucking steroids. | ||
| How does it start? | ||
| It all starts beautiful. | ||
| It's like a marriage. | ||
| You go on the honeymoon. | ||
| They suck your dick. | ||
| Honey, honey. | ||
| After a year, Monday Night Football, you don't want to talk to them no more. | ||
| It's just like anything else. | ||
| The drug turns beautiful at the beginning. | ||
| You're meeting people. | ||
| Oh my God, they're so interesting. | ||
| They're coked up. | ||
| They're having art parties and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that. | |
| Then it becomes something different. | ||
| Then it becomes taking the package home with you. | ||
| Because at first you go out, me and Brian, Brian, you got 20? | ||
| Yeah, let's go to 40. Boom, we go out, but at the end of the night, see you tomorrow, bye! | ||
| Then it becomes something else. | ||
| Brian, let's get another 40 and go back to your house. | ||
| Let's get another 40, you know. | ||
| Then we go back to his house and we get another 40. Then it becomes something else. | ||
| Now you're missing work. | ||
| You know, your bank account is fucking down. | ||
| Now you're on a roll. | ||
| You know, now you hook up with a chick that's completely out of your character. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because when you give her a rock and coke, she licks your asshole. | ||
| She lights your ball sack on fire. | ||
| She does that. | ||
| There's nothing even emotional about it, Joe Rogan. | ||
| You don't even like this chick in the daytime. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You don't even like her in the daytime. | ||
| But when you're doing coke, she's fun. | ||
| She'll talk to you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, whatever. | ||
| And a lot of guys like just the fact that a girl will go degenerate with them as well. | ||
| With them, sure. | ||
| Nobody wants to go down a dark street. | ||
| They always take somebody down dark streets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then it becomes something like after 20 years with me, it becomes creepy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
20 years? | |
| It becomes your underlying motive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Forever. | |
| When you wake up in the morning, you're thinking of that joke. | ||
| You're thinking of going to... | ||
| To Tennessee tomorrow. | ||
| But I'm also thinking, how am I going to bring coke with me? | ||
| Am I going to stay clean? | ||
| Am I going to get it tonight and double up for the week? | ||
| I just get really fucked up tonight. | ||
| That'll take me over till you start. | ||
| Take me over till when you say that, what would happen? | ||
| How many days could you go before you would get a physical craving? | ||
| Three. | ||
| Three days. | ||
| Those days. | ||
| Three, four. | ||
| I got a craving every night at 8 o'clock. | ||
| At 8 o'clock my fucking ears would go numb like Michael Corleone in The Godfather when he shot Salazzo. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| My ears go numb. | ||
| I was thinking about it the other day. | ||
| I used to run red lights until I got to the ATM machine. | ||
| What? | ||
| Even while I was taking the money out of the ATM machine, I was a different person. | ||
| There was no logic. | ||
| It's like that joke you do about sitting in the back of the bus and the bus driver's your dick. | ||
| I had no logic. | ||
| Even if God was right there saying, Joey, you're 400 pounds, you're going to die. | ||
| I had no logic. | ||
| That whole drive, I had no logic. | ||
| I would make the U-turn on Sunset. | ||
| No logic. | ||
| Make a ride on La Brea, shoot right over to Dante, and get the package. | ||
| And on the drive, I'd be cracking. | ||
| Now I'd stop for red lights. | ||
| Now I got my focus back. | ||
| Because I needed a red light to break it up. | ||
| How? | ||
| So I would break it up right there, right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Break it up? | |
| Where? | ||
| Because it comes in a rock. | ||
| And I would break it up in my hand in a baggie. | ||
| So you put your fingers inside the baggie or on the outside? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I just seal the baggie and break it from the outside. | ||
| You just crush it? | ||
| Crush it. | ||
| If it's a re-rock coke, then it's hard. | ||
| Then it's a fugazi. | ||
| You've got to get the hammer out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But if it's real coke, it's soft. | ||
| It should break first fucking... | ||
| And then you just put a dollar bill there. | ||
| Is that how you can tell whether or not Coke is good? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| But it's really hard to get real Coke. | ||
| Sure, because they cut it, they put speed in it. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| That's what deregulation is, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| When we don't regulate something and you make it illegal, then a bunch of different people are allowed to cut it up and do whatever the fuck they want to do with it and call it cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lax it in. | |
| But if you couldn't do this, it would all be completely illegal if it was being sold at CVS. If you could buy it at the liquor store. | ||
| If I could just buy a leaf? | ||
| I wonder if regular cocaine... | ||
| How bad is regular cocaine for you without all the shit? | ||
| Is it just as addictive? | ||
| Dog, it's got to be like anything else. | ||
| Chinese food is good for you one time every two weeks. | ||
| Regular cocaine can be good for you? | ||
| I'm sure in this society... | ||
| There's a coke fiend scientist somewhere that can find one positive effect of coke. | ||
| You and I both know that. | ||
| I'll tell you one positive effect it had for me while I was doing it. | ||
| I wasn't ADD no more. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You focus on fucking shadows. | ||
| I was good at math. | ||
| I would love to do math equations when I was coked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And mindfuck. | ||
| You know I'm not a mindfucker. | ||
| You know if you come to me and go, what if Anderson Silva... | ||
| Fought Muhammad Ali. | ||
| Go fuck your mother. | ||
| I ain't got time to figure that puzzle out. | ||
| I got more important things like a joker, you know? | ||
| But mindfuck yourself. | ||
| Like, what if I went on the road every week and made 10 grand and sold 300 t-shirts? | ||
| Like, I would do shit like that. | ||
| Like, you know? | ||
| Like, shit like that. | ||
| Like, and do math like that for hours. | ||
| Like, it's got nothing to do with me. | ||
| But I always get so analytical. | ||
| You get so analytical. | ||
| I think about shit that I was thinking about and break it down. | ||
| The same thing you do with acid. | ||
| The same thing you do with mushrooms. | ||
| When you take a mushroom, if you're a normal fucking individual, if you have some type of pain going on in your heart right now, after an hour of giggling and joking around, that pain's going to start to come up because it's forcing you to deal with it. | ||
| That's where the bad trip comes in. | ||
| And the same thing probably happens for coke, it happens for heroin. | ||
| I mean, dog, everything. | ||
| You know, if I do two squats twice a week, that's great for you. | ||
| If I do it six times a week with 400 pounds, I'm going to fuck something up eventually. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Everything, Joe Rogan, you know? | ||
| But the coke experience is very different than the coke cut with speed experience, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| The Coke experience I had in the 80s and the Coke experience I had five years ago is two different things. | ||
| When did it... | ||
| I mean, there's no way to tell until you do it, right? | ||
| I think the Coke chains in mid-80s, when they figured out that the speed aspect of it would get you addicted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| When they figured out because... | ||
| So you get addicted to the speed? | ||
| You're not even getting addicted to Coke as much? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Coke gives you wings. | ||
| Whoa, that is crazy. | ||
| So once they started throwing the speed in and the accelerants in there, you know, crack is... | ||
| Coke was a loser for a while because they couldn't... | ||
| The Bush administration couldn't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Bush? | |
| Bush. | ||
| They weren't letting ether into the... | ||
| That was the biggest problem. | ||
| It wasn't getting... | ||
| We've had this discussion. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, you couldn't get it out, so they... | ||
| They started washing it with gasoline. | ||
| So that Coke had a horrible smell to it. | ||
| Like you do a line and go, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Like some of it was, like I remember one time I went and bought a bad buy. | ||
| I bought nine ounces. | ||
| The Coke was tremendous, but it smelled like cat piss. | ||
| And I would sell it at bargain prices. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And people would still come back like, Joey, I love you, but this is brutal, dog. | |
| This is pure cat piss. | ||
| Pure cappus. | ||
| I ended up snorting the whole thing. | ||
| I burnt holes under here. | ||
| You know how football players put those black marks under their eyes? | ||
| I had two pink things under here from the fucking whatever was coming out. | ||
| It was just burning my fucking skin. | ||
| But fucking it was free. | ||
| I had already paid for it. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| That's when cocaine became a no loser. | ||
| Because if the coke was good, you sold it at high prices. | ||
| And if it tasted like a monkey's ass, then you turned it into crack. | ||
| And it burned all the residue and it gave you back the pure cocaine. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Who the fuck figured that out? | ||
| Not two black guys in Harlem. | ||
| You follow what I'm saying to you? | ||
| This is what our conversation, you know, no black guy, Brian, no black guy or no fucking coke fienders are going to go home and go, listen, Brian, we got $40 worth of coke. | ||
| I'm sick and tired of snorting it. | ||
| What if we put it in a glass? | ||
| And we put baking soda in there, and we put it in the microwave oven and cook it up. | ||
| And in 20 seconds, once that bell goes bing, we take it out, we smoke it. | ||
| Two white guys on coke didn't invent that. | ||
| But creating crack, what does the baking soda have to do with anything? | ||
| Because it cleans. | ||
| Baking soda, like when you put it in your refrigerator, you can put it in douches. | ||
| You can brush your fucking teeth with it. | ||
| Whatever's in there, it neutralizes. | ||
| It burns away all the waste. | ||
| So all the shit they put in there, like if you put a gram of coke in, and after you take it out, weigh that motherfucker, again, you get six tenths now. | ||
| Is that crack or is that freebase? | ||
| That's like a freebase, but you could take that thing and put it into cigarettes. | ||
| A lot of Colombians would just take the front of the cigarettes out and pop those in the clubs, and you think they're smoking a cigarette. | ||
| They're smoking pure fucking bazookas in them cigarettes. | ||
| Them things are killing the cancer. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So, what is the difference then between crack and freebase? | ||
| They did something with crack to multiply it even more. | ||
| To make it more addictive. | ||
| No, no, to make it more of a money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spread it out more. | |
| To make more money from it. | ||
| It was really cheap, yeah, because I didn't understand that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I thought that was making with baking soda. | ||
| I thought that's what it was in a spoon. | ||
| No, that's the shit, the other shit. | ||
| The shit they do with crackers is when they put it in a paint thing and it was thinner. | ||
| You know, like, let's say, I don't even know what... | ||
| You've got 28 grams in an ounce, so 16 ounces times 28, whatever that is. | ||
| A regular person would throw 10 on 28, so you would throw 16 times 10, 160 grams of cut on it or something. | ||
| This is what I'm just assuming. | ||
| With crack, you could probably throw gram for gram. | ||
| So I could probably get whatever the result is for 28 times 16 and add it and neutralize it to 50%. | ||
| And I get, you know, with heroin, with heroin, the mob didn't do nothing. | ||
| Everybody, so, oh, the mob, they're fucking morons. | ||
| They just figured out how to take heroin and pay $50,000 and get $400,000 back from it. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| If I figured out how to give you $50,000 every week, and on Friday I picked up $400,000. | ||
| Wow, how are they doing that? | ||
| Because they were taking heroin and cutting it to nothing. | ||
| You seem like an American gangster. | ||
| The cops were taking the heroin, cutting it, and selling it back to the mob. | ||
| Then the mob was cutting it and selling it. | ||
| This is fucking craziness! | ||
| This is what Alex Jones talks about. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| But heroin even at 40% will fuck your world. | ||
| Isn't it amazing when you find out how many cops actually have sold drugs and been caught by it? | ||
| Remember the cocaine cowboys with the whole entire graduating class of the Miami Police Department? | ||
| The whatever it is, what's the, not the, what is it? | ||
| The training academy. | ||
| Yeah, police academy. | ||
| 100% of them either were murdered or wound up being incarcerated for being corrupt. | ||
| 100% of them. | ||
| But what happened at the time was Miami got a gun put to their head like any other community. | ||
| Spics were moving in. | ||
| Latinos were everywhere. | ||
| Cubans were everywhere. | ||
| In 1979, Fidel sent fucking 98 boats filled with Cubans and 94 of them stayed in Miami. | ||
| How much was cocaine responsible for what Miami became? | ||
| My God, it was built on it. | ||
| This Coconut Grove where I'm going, they had an investigative with Bill Curtis. | ||
| Coconut Grove was a place where pirates used to hang out in the 1700s. | ||
| Great story where I'm going. | ||
| And that whole city is built on cocaine. | ||
| I know a guy who lived down there for a while, and he told me, I don't know if this is a verifiable fact, but there's more banks per capita in Miami than any other city in the country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes sense. | |
| They said it was all just laundering money and bringing in cocaine. | ||
| So in the 80s when that thing went on with those cops, the city got the gun put to their head. | ||
| They're like, bro, you got all these Latinos and you got no Latins on the police force. | ||
| You got to put more cops in the police force in a hurry before this gets out of hand. | ||
| So they didn't even do background checks. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| They sealed all their juvie records and they hired all these cops and they had four cops, right? | ||
| The cowboy cops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That were just pulling you over, taking your drugs and throwing you into the river. | ||
| That's what they call them. | ||
| The river cops. | ||
| The river cops. | ||
| I remember me and Joe were in Coconut Grove the week one of them got let out of jail and he got a job as a cook and the whole community signed petitions to not It was at a cafe called Mambo down there for him not to be hired in the community because he killed a bunch of fucking people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they weren't like killing people because they did something wrong to them. | ||
| They were just pulling you over, shooting you, and throwing you in the fucking river. | ||
| How did he get out of jail? | ||
| How's that possible? | ||
| He did that time. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| That's a murderer. | ||
| They got arrested in 85, and they were walking the streets. | ||
| How many people did they kill, though? | ||
| They should be dead. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You got to look it up. | ||
| If you kill a bunch of people, you're dead. | ||
| You don't get out of jail. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| I'm liberal about a lot of shit. | ||
| I'm liberal about gay marriage, but about that, you can suck my dick. | ||
| That guy needs to be dumb. | ||
| Bro, the system has these fucking loopholes. | ||
| You know, in reality, let's say he did 14 fucking years. | ||
| It's like, that's what it is. | ||
| They give him a 30-year fucking sentence or a 20-year sentence. | ||
| They give you a 20-year sentence, you do 10. And then you go in front of the parole board and the parole board votes on you to get out on the street or none. | ||
| And a violent offense... | ||
| If that's true, why isn't Manson released? | ||
| Because who the fuck is going to release him? | ||
| This guy goes in front of the parole board and whacks off with a Nazi thing on his forehead. | ||
| Who's going to hire that fucking guy? | ||
| Who's going to hire him? | ||
| What social security benefit does he fucking have that guy? | ||
| Yeah, he was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What are you going to do? | ||
| I am your Jesus. | ||
| You made me, man. | ||
| I lived off your garbage. | ||
| I lived in your streets, man. | ||
| He was a spooky dude. | ||
| See, that's the dude you hired to be a salesman. | ||
| He talked all those bitches into shooting people and cutting them open. | ||
| By the way, people don't even realize that. | ||
| He didn't kill anybody. | ||
| He might have killed one guy, but almost everybody in that whole organization was killed by that Tex Watson guy who went on to, yeah, and Squeaky Fromm, who tried to kill President Ford. | ||
| I had a dog named Squeaky Fromm who wound up killing one of my other dogs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, Squeaky. | |
| Yeah, that crazy bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The last name of Squeaky. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy dogs. | ||
| Yeah, that whole Manson thing was a trip because he didn't even really kill anybody, man. | ||
| Those other people killed people for him. | ||
| That Tex Watson guy. | ||
| And that Tex Watson guy became like a serious, born-again Christian while he's in the hole, you know? | ||
| It's probably the only way he can ever... | ||
| Rationalize his situation and where he's going. | ||
| I mean, what he did, murder those people. | ||
| They cut a baby out of a woman's body. | ||
| You know, that's what made, supposedly made Roman Polanski crazy. | ||
| That was his wife, or his girl. | ||
| I don't know if we were married. | ||
| I think it was his wife. | ||
| But she had his baby inside of her, and the fucking Manson Fenton came and cut her out. | ||
| I mean, it's really sick shit, man. | ||
| The whole thing is really sick. | ||
| I mean, they wrote shit on the walls and stuff. | ||
| It's a scary, dark proposition that some little crazy psychopath was able to talk these people into just committing horrible murders for him. | ||
| Some sick fuck figured out a way to control these people and get all these lost people together and just unleash them. | ||
| And they were a family. | ||
| What a crazy fucking thing that must have been, man. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| First of all, Charles Manson could have never existed with Google. | ||
| That shit would have never worked. | ||
| Because he would have been talking crazy shit and girls would have been pulling out their phones going, wait a minute, that's not true. | ||
| This is how it's done. | ||
| The government's set up this way. | ||
| The Congress controls this. | ||
| But back then, he could say anything. | ||
| He was just a charismatic guy, and they were looking for guidance. | ||
| Next thing you know, Charlie Manson's the fucking daddy of the family. | ||
| What? | ||
| This weird, crazy little, wild ex-con is the leader of this group of fucking psychopaths. | ||
| They're running around cutting people up. | ||
| And that sort of symbolized for a lot of people what was wrong with the 60s. | ||
| That's what symbolized for a lot of people what was wrong with the drug culture and the hippies that there was amongst them. | ||
| They weren't all altruistic. | ||
| There's a lot of hippies that were just fucking crazy and drug use had to be stopped because some people just couldn't take it. | ||
| Look at the Manson family. | ||
| And that was like a good reason for justification. | ||
| That one group of fucking crazy assholes ruined it for a lot of people. | ||
| Doug, but you can't blame it all on drugs. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| It was a bunch of kids. | ||
| It's like we sit here every week and, you know, how do people get caught up in a cult? | ||
| How do people, you know... | ||
| They need love, man. | ||
| Same reason why they get caught up in gangs. | ||
| How does my friends' parents were in Mexico going to school, they're a white couple from Michigan, educated, good families, went to Mexico, got talked into moving to Pennsylvania and moving into a cult... | ||
| Then they started having kids with the cult leader. | ||
| The guy started fucking the wife. | ||
| What hold do you have in your soul when you're a DNA that you allow that into you? | ||
| And that's any cult, whether it's Jim Jones, whether it's a religious sector. | ||
| We're all looking for a hold to fill. | ||
| That was their fucking hold that they had to go kill fucking people at night because some guy sent them. | ||
| I mean, it's a bunch of people that were confused that ran into a fucking salesman. | ||
| When people run into a salesman, it's a bad fucking day for you. | ||
| They ran into a salesman. | ||
| Again, the guy might have killed one fucking person. | ||
| I ain't killing nobody unless Joe Rogan. | ||
| I see him stab somebody first. | ||
| Then give me the knife. | ||
| I'm stabbed because we're all going down here. | ||
| And you're going to send me to go ice some fucking guy because the Lord sent you. | ||
| You know, Dave Koresh. | ||
| These people fill a void, Joe Rogan. | ||
| It's not the drugs. | ||
| The drugs accelerates the fucking weakness to a point because they're confused now. | ||
| They're fucking confused. | ||
| You know, I was essentially in a cult. | ||
| When you're doing martial arts, it's a positive cult, but you get involved in something like Taekwondo. | ||
| One of the great things about it is it teaches you discipline and respect for your higher ranks. | ||
| All this stuff, but in reality, it's just weird. | ||
| I mean, it's all this really controlled environment where the master's there, and oh, Master Kim, and you have to bow to the master, and the younger students, they bow to you, and everyone's in line, and everything is, yes, sir, yes, sir. | ||
| I mean, it's all positive, and you learn a lot. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I mean, it greatly enhanced... | ||
| My life, martial arts, completely changed who I am. | ||
| But when you look at it, there's a lot of culty shit to it. | ||
| It's not like Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, the instructors, they get respect more just by rolling with people and explaining techniques and by their reputation. | ||
| They don't have to go in and, and everybody bow. | ||
| Everybody bows in class and lines up. | ||
| It's very militaristic. | ||
| We would bow to the flag and bow to the instructor and key eye. | ||
| Everything would be done with this intensity and focus. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you want? | |
| No, I just got to ask him something. | ||
| Keep talking. | ||
| I'm asking something, brother. | ||
| I'm going to interrupt you. | ||
| But it's very culty. | ||
| It's a good thing. | ||
| It was a great thing for me. | ||
| But it could be abused. | ||
| And I knew it was abused. | ||
| Not with my school. | ||
| But I saw it with other schools. | ||
| There was always scandals. | ||
| Like an instructor did something fucked up. | ||
| Or one guy in the karate. | ||
| What are you guys talking about? | ||
| A fucking charger. | ||
| This guy's got everything on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A charger for what? | |
| What do you need? | ||
| A charger for my phone. | ||
| That's why I was playing with your wires, brother. | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're iPhone dorks. | |
| No. | ||
| You guys got a thousand fucking wires. | ||
| You gotta go iPhone, son. | ||
| Way of resistance. | ||
| Brent's got the iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who has trios anymore? | |
| I like that. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| You look at it, it's kind of culty at that age, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It was a very positive cult. | ||
| But it's very positive. | ||
| But I was very lucky that the cult that I had, not only did they not take advantage of me and do anything negative to me, but in fact they enhanced me, they taught me a lot of discipline, and they gave me a job, and they gave me like instruction-free, like I trained at a place called the J... Jayhun Kim Taekwondo Institute in Boston, and it's one of the best experiences of my life. | ||
| When I say it's a cult, I in no way mean that anything negative happened to me because it was only positive, but we were in a really good school. | ||
| We were like one of the best schools in the country. | ||
| We saw, and everything was done the way it was supposed to be. | ||
| Everything was done With, like, real serious intent. | ||
| It was a top class Taekwondo school. | ||
| But there was a lot of other karate schools and Taekwondo schools that were in the martial arts community. | ||
| We watched, like, big scandals happen. | ||
| And a lot of it was because people would get into that position of power and they would start abusing them because everybody treated their sifu, their sensei, their whoever it was, they treated them like they were a god. | ||
| And there was a lot of, like, sex scandals would happen in martial arts schools. | ||
| It was, like, super common. | ||
| You know, one guy got in trouble, a really famous guy got in trouble for having sex with some 17-year-old girl. | ||
| It became like a big statutory rape thing. | ||
| It was like real common that people were completely enamored by their instructors. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why, in a lot of those arts, the instructors wanted to keep everyone down and scared. | ||
| They had to be almost invincible in your eyes. | ||
| Because otherwise, you're moving up the ladder, and are you the top black belt in the school? | ||
| Well, then the instructor is the only guy that's left that you're really not really sparring with. | ||
| You know, how do you think you'd do with him, man? | ||
| It doesn't really spar with anybody, man. | ||
| What is his timing like even? | ||
| Can I beat that guy? | ||
| And you start thinking those things. | ||
| You never think that way about your instructor in a proper school setting because the seniors and the upper ranks and your instructor, they become like a father figure. | ||
| They become like a king. | ||
| It becomes like it's very important to give in to their order. | ||
| You call them sir all the time. | ||
| It's very culty, but it's really good for you. | ||
| You know what this country does not remember, neither do you because you're a young man. | ||
| I'm an old man. | ||
| I was alive before Bruce Lee died. | ||
| I was alive. | ||
| I was dressing up like- When did he die? | ||
| What year did he die? | ||
| He died in 73. But I was part of that walking around with a kung fu suit on and going to Chinatown and burning incense in the house and eating rice with chopsticks. | ||
| And my mom was like, are you fucking serious? | ||
| Are you fucking crazy? | ||
| And I remember when he died. | ||
| The sad, like, people couldn't believe it. | ||
| It was like John Lennon fucking dying. | ||
| And what happened after that with martial arts? | ||
| You know, when I was a kid, I went to Laranjo's father, Rilanjo, whatever, and that was a school on 98th and West End. | ||
| That was the only school for miles, guy. | ||
| You're talking about Rassan? | ||
| Rassan, you know, and all of a sudden, martial arts blew up. | ||
| Like, karate schools in the 60s in this country were... | ||
| Then Five Fingers of Death came out, you know, the Chinese connection, Enter the Dragon, not way before, because he died right after the movie got released, but a year before the Enter the Dragon came out, you know, black guys were losing their mind, they were all walking around with kung fu suits, white guys, everybody had bruised elbows. | ||
| Because everybody had new chucks. | ||
| You either had bruises in the back of your fucking neck or... | ||
| Because, you know, you had to do... | ||
| When Corrado the Hong Kong cat came out, he had new chucks and he would put copper tubes at the end for plumbing. | ||
| And that's when people were really fucking starting to hurt themselves. | ||
| That was around 74. After Bruce Lee died, then everybody started taking out Bruce Lee. | ||
| Step aside, Bruce Lee, and make way for Corrado the Hong Kong cat. | ||
| All that shit started. | ||
| But I was here in this country and what happened? | ||
| So people thought it was a fucking savior. | ||
| Like, finally I can learn how to fight. | ||
| Finally I can learn confidence. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| It only becomes a cult when you walk out that door thinking you're invincible. | ||
| That's when it becomes a cult. | ||
| And you've seen it in those type one, those schools. | ||
| And I see it happen to the girls. | ||
| They get caught up. | ||
| Something bad happens. | ||
| They go in there. | ||
| And by the time they're a purple belt, they're like, I could actually take a fucking guy. | ||
| Oh, they get crazy. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of women, I think, especially in jiu-jitsu, that purple belts probably could take on. | ||
| No, they could fucking take you. | ||
| I'm not saying that, but I'm just saying. | ||
| In jiu-jitsu. | ||
| It becomes a cult. | ||
| It becomes a cult when I go out there and go, you know what? | ||
| I'm going to go to a white castle at two in the morning. | ||
| I'm going to take out four motherfuckers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's when it becomes a cult. | ||
| I don't want you to ever think that. | ||
| You're experienced a little bit more than most people when striking and stuff like that. | ||
| But I never want you to think it's really a kung fu movie where you're going to go into a Steven Seagal. | ||
| People shoot people, man. | ||
| People stab people. | ||
| You get hit with a chair in the head. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| Oh, no more eyeball for you. | ||
| Reality's a motherfucker. | ||
| Reality's a motherfucker. | ||
| I'm not in the class, my boy. | ||
| By the way, everybody's doing that. | ||
| 90% of those things happen because someone's trying to prove something. | ||
| And if you didn't, if you just, like, assess the situation, instead of thinking, oh, I'm going to prove this motherfucker, I'm going to show this motherfucker what's up, instead of doing that, just think smart. | ||
| Just get out of there. | ||
| If these were hyenas, would you stay? | ||
| No. | ||
| They're human hyenas. | ||
| Get out of there. | ||
| Whenever you're in a situation, if it can possibly be avoided that you don't fight, don't fight. | ||
| The last thing you want to do is open up that door to negativity. | ||
| You know, you beat someone physically. | ||
| First of all, they beat you. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| And you're at their mercy, by the way. | ||
| And that could happen. | ||
| And Mazzagotti ain't there. | ||
| So always remember, this ain't the UFC with Mazzagotti and Joe, whatever's going to come out. | ||
| Some people start kicking you, bro. | ||
| I've known a lot of dudes who thought they were absolutely invincible. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| They thought they were absolutely invincible. | ||
| They didn't stand up to anybody. | ||
| Nobody could talk shit to them. | ||
| And then they get the fuck beat out of them one night. | ||
| You know, you might fuck up. | ||
| And all of a sudden, you know, you get in a fight. | ||
| And you don't know that this kid is like a state champion wrestler. | ||
| And he picks you up the air and dumps you on your fucking head on the concrete. | ||
| And you're fucked up for a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fucked up. | |
| I mean, guys can die from that shit. | ||
| He can punch you. | ||
| I mean, who knows how merciful this guy is. | ||
| He might start punching your fucking face in while you're unconscious. | ||
| And you can't do shit. | ||
| Imagine that, waking up to multiple concussions and your nose exploding on your face. | ||
| And you're not even waking up. | ||
| You just use shocks of images. | ||
| Your body can't even move because this fucking gorilla is pounding your face into a pancake. | ||
| That's all really possible, man. | ||
| You know why I used to see that a lot? | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| Fighting is stupid. | ||
| You know why I used to see a lot of people get knocked out of the Jersey Shore? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The Jersey Shore. | ||
| I used to see some good fights with Greedos. | ||
| Jersey Shore is wild, man. | ||
| Before that TV show, I wonder what it's like now. | ||
| But when we used to go down there and do Bob Gonzo gigs, holy shit, that place was wild. | ||
| Jersey Shore is wild. | ||
| It's like a beach community of all savages. | ||
| It's like 90% savages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seaside, Seaside Park, Island Beach, Long Beach Island. | |
| You have no idea, Brian. | ||
| It's a fucking blast. | ||
| But now, the beaches are packed, bumper to bumper. | ||
| You got people on top of you. | ||
| People put makeup on. | ||
| It's like everybody's fucking Kim Kardashian to go to the fucking beach. | ||
| Well, they don't understand. | ||
| They see a show like Jersey Shore and they are baffled. | ||
| They're baffled. | ||
| Like, how are these motherfuckers on TV and we're not? | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| We're more interesting guys. | ||
| So everybody's trying to find their angle in. | ||
| I mean, I don't blame them. | ||
| Shit, man. | ||
| If I lived there, I'd probably be trying to do the exact same thing. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| You see these people, all of a sudden they're making millions of dollars and they're essentially doing the same shit you do. | ||
| And you gotta work all day. | ||
| That's preposterous. | ||
| You know, to them, it must be like mind-boggling. | ||
| Snooki must blow all... | ||
| There must be a lot of hot bitches in Jersey that would just attack Snooki if they ever saw her. | ||
| They, like, feel like that girl's stealing from them. | ||
| You know, like, how is this fucking girl? | ||
| She thinks she's hot? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| She's fucking hot? | ||
| Now she's pregnant? | ||
| Who fucked her? | ||
| Who fucked her? | ||
| If they saw me, if the fucking producers had met me, for sure I'd be on that show. | ||
| For sure I'd be on that show. | ||
| That fucking, ah! | ||
| That angry Jersey fucking squawky girl. | ||
| That angry Italian girl type. | ||
| Is that the most unattractive? | ||
| It's a combination between the angry Italian girl from Boston and the angry Italian girl from Jersey. | ||
| That's very specific, squawky, sort of violence-threatening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| And the peace of ass ain't even that good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not even that good. | |
| There's a lot of complaining going on. | ||
| There's a lot of complaining. | ||
| Some girls, even when, you know, it gets to the point where actually having, you know, like, if you tried to get to a relationship with them, you start dating them, go out with them a few times, get closer, closer, closer, is this going to be, there's like, sometimes you got to wonder, is this going to be worth it? | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| Like, someone's, before you actually have sex with them, they're like holding it over you. | ||
| Like, it's this reward that one day will take place if you do exactly Those girls would scare the shit out of me. | ||
| Like, why are you so controlling, you crazy bitch? | ||
| Do we like each other or not? | ||
| Can you imagine this Jersey Shore if we had to live in the middle of that me, you, and Joey Diaz fucking in a two-bedroom apartment and we had to work at the nightclub that's next door, all three of us had to do it for a year. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Would it be an experiment? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We would all fucking... | |
| First old desk while he goes to Jersey Shore. | ||
| Those fucking kids down there. | ||
| We might be able to teach them shit. | ||
| Those kids on those Jersey Shore kids are fucking crazy. | ||
| I'd have seminars with those kids all day. | ||
| I'd teach them about eating weed. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Teach them about yoga. | ||
| Teach them about yoga. | ||
| Those guys eat. | ||
| Start jiu-jitsu classes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you would start wearing bandanas. | |
| They lift twice a week. | ||
| They lift twice a week? | ||
| And they just work on their biceps. | ||
| Bring them into the gym. | ||
| It's amazing, bro. | ||
| They're fucking nuts. | ||
| Give them some free jiu-jitsu lessons. | ||
| Show them some shit about how the country really works. | ||
| Get them to eat weed. | ||
| We can change them. | ||
| We can turn them around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever worn a bandana on your head? | |
| Like Bruce Springsteen? | ||
| Maybe we're about to... | ||
| I probably tried it once or twice. | ||
| I think I tried it once at the gym because a lot of dudes were wearing them at the gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's bring it back. | |
| But it's really stupid because it just slides up because I'm expressive. | ||
| So I move my forehead a lot and it just slides up and then it falls off your head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should make a stretchy bandana that's comfortable. | |
| I've always hated accessories for guys, though. | ||
| I like wallet chains. | ||
| People give me shit about having wallet chains. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That shit is functional. | ||
| I'm talking about like fucking people get dressed up to go to the gym or the beach and they get like the accessory and it's like, ah, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| If I see a hot chick in a hat and the ponytail is going through the thing, it's too planned. | ||
| Well, we're East Coast. | ||
| Anybody that tries too hard was always a douchebag. | ||
| Any guy that shows up at the beach with a fucking parrot on his shoulder. | ||
| What are you doing, asshole? | ||
| You know, who are you? | ||
| You know, guy's walking through the park with a snake. | ||
| Oh, this is my pet snake. | ||
| Whoa, can I touch it? | ||
| Who are you, you fucking weirdo? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like when someone tried really hard to be eccentric, it's always like, get the fuck out of here with your cowboy hat. | ||
| You're from Pennsylvania, shit. | ||
| I can't stand when they put glasses on. | ||
| I'll tell you what my pet peeves are. | ||
| When somebody wears glasses to look different... | ||
| Yeah, how about glasses that aren't real? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| That was a trend for a while. | ||
| They drive me crazy, and people that grow up, all of a sudden, now they play golf. | ||
| Come here. | ||
| You're from Jersey City. | ||
| How about I put my dick in your fucking nose? | ||
| You're from Jersey City. | ||
| You're going to go play fucking golf. | ||
| But golf is supposed to be fun. | ||
| What's wrong with that? | ||
| I just don't like it. | ||
| You are from where you're from. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah, but I know people from everywhere play golf. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Some people just do it just to be cool. | ||
| Oh, just to fit in? | ||
| Like, oh, I play golf. | ||
| It is a weird thing how there's a lot of people that do that. | ||
| I've had a lot of people ask me if I play golf because they want to have meetings with me on a golf course. | ||
| And I was like, wow, no. | ||
| Nope, none of that. | ||
| But you can't say, do you play pool? | ||
| Because no, not as many people play pool. | ||
| When you tell them no, they look at you like, fucking, you're not part of our club? | ||
| Yeah, I know, you don't want to be in the skull and bones golf society. | ||
| You don't want to play a hundred bucks to walk around and fucking 18? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Walk around the fucking park. | ||
| Get a pigeon. | ||
| I know a place that's a golf course, it's a country club, and it costs a quarter million dollars to join. | ||
| Just a quarter million dollars just to join. | ||
| And then you have to pay yearly dues. | ||
| But just to get in, you have to give them a quarter of a million dollars for the rights to use this stupid fucking... | ||
| That's for the Joneses. | ||
| ...chunk of land. | ||
| But think about how dumb that is. | ||
| How many members must these motherfuckers have? | ||
| We'll see you at the club on Sunday. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| So to keep anybody out that's not just stupid rich... | ||
| It's all just Maseratis and Ferraris and Porsches and it's a weird place to drive by because you're like, what a weird slice of the world right there. | ||
| That's like an Uber 1%. | ||
| But then they fuck themselves because Ludacris joins the club. | ||
| And that's when it's all over but the shot because they say they all get together and go, we don't know, charge them 200, no, raise the price to half a million. | ||
| That motherfucker shows up with three quarters of a million. | ||
| There was a crazy baseball player that actually just got kicked out of Lake Sherwood. | ||
| Some athlete, pro athlete, was living there. | ||
| And that's another place. | ||
| The Lake Sherwood Country Club is another one of those. | ||
| Let me find that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was Robin Hood. | |
| What's up, B? What's up? | ||
| 20 fucking charges. | ||
| You gotta go charge this for your Uncle Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have like some crazy phone. | |
| You get some stupid kind of phone, man. | ||
| You gotta get yourself an iPhone. | ||
| It's a fucking Sprint 4G. Perfect for Uncle Joey. | ||
| I don't need a camera. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't even know what it is. | |
| I don't want to fucking talk to nobody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's rocking that 4G. He's camping it out. | |
| It's beautiful. | ||
| I think he's a baseball player. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Dykstra. | ||
| What is his? | ||
| Lenny Dykstra. | ||
| No, that's the guy who's going to jail, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| He was like robbing cars or something like that? | ||
| What did he fucking do? | ||
| You know what happened to him, bro? | ||
| Mental illness. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think he's crazy. | ||
| You see that 60 Minutes or the HBO thing? | ||
| He's fucking crazy. | ||
| And I met him, and he was a decent type of guy. | ||
| You know, I met him on the Best Dance Sports Show, and he was okay then. | ||
| He had the car wash. | ||
| He was making money. | ||
| It was Lenny Dykstra. | ||
| He was the one who was kicked out. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| Lenny Dykstra did a thousand and what. | ||
| Now his son's dating the chick from The Sopranos. | ||
| I've seen that today. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's crazy. | ||
| Bro, Lenny Dyson is crazy ass. | ||
| So, what did he do? | ||
| Like, what was his scam to try to steal cars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what, bro? | |
| What were they doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't fucking know the whole thing. | |
| I just know that he went bad on a bunch of people with 60 Minutes, or it was an HBO thing on them, Real Sports, and he was hysterical. | ||
| He was like Gotti. | ||
| He was like, you know, so are you broke right now? | ||
| And he went in his pocket, 400. You look fucking broke. | ||
| But you owe millions. | ||
| Fuck him! | ||
| Fuck him! | ||
| I'm going to live my life. | ||
| And he was, you know, I mean, you can't do that. | ||
| So now they're going at him for everything. | ||
| And right now he's in a downward spiral. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So not only are they watching him, but on top of that, he's giving him something to do. | ||
| And now he's trying to rob from Peter to pay Paul, you know, just trying to do what anybody would do. | ||
| And that fucking thing, you're going to make mistakes, and he's going to be in worse shape than he was. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| He rented a car and tried to sell it. | ||
| He did something crazy. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck he did. | ||
| I mean, it's just... | ||
| Was it a coke thing? | ||
| Is that what happens? | ||
| Is there drugs involved when guys start making such terrible decisions? | ||
| Desperation? | ||
| It's just crazy. | ||
| If you see the interview on HBO Real Sports, you'll go, there's something wrong there, guys. | ||
| Why would you give him a loan for a fucking two million dollars? | ||
| But this guy had a plane. | ||
| He was flying around. | ||
| He would go for Molly with the Calabasas in a plane, bitch. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, I mean, this guy was crazy. | ||
| Butlers, and all of a sudden he lost that. | ||
| He was living in his house. | ||
| They took the furniture. | ||
| They took everything. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But I do remember that when he went in his pocket and he had the fucking thing and he's like, I'm not broke, bitch. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| You want your money? | ||
| Come get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very Coke-heavy episode we got going on here. | |
| So it is in the house. | ||
| Let me tell you something, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| But you know what? | ||
| It's gotta be hard. | ||
| Like I hear Chris Tucker's been out. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| He's been what? | ||
| Out. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| He goes to the Ha Ha, the Improv, the Comedy Store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Every night. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Eight guys doing comedy and he's up there talking. | ||
| Is he doing well? | ||
| He's doing well, but people are asking him, like, why are you motherfucking on stage? | ||
| He goes, because $20 million ain't shit. | ||
| He goes, at the end of the fucking week, he goes, I thought I had $200 million. | ||
| He's been telling the story lately on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I'm broke! | |
| It's called the government shit. | ||
| Once they come get theirs, a lot of these people, bro, spend and they don't realize that Uncle Sam's fucking watching. | ||
| You gotta give half that dough. | ||
| Those checks are coming in, but you don't know. | ||
| And when you're black, let's face it, when you're anything, Joe Rogan, your lost relatives start calling you. | ||
| This guy and that guy and... | ||
| The money goes fast, bro. | ||
| You know what's going on with Gallagher, right? | ||
| Gallagher's had a gang of heart attacks. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And he just decided he's retiring. | ||
| No more going on the road. | ||
| He's like, I'll give the banks the houses. | ||
| I can't pay for these houses. | ||
| Because he's doing like these little comedy clubs. | ||
| Just to stay alive. | ||
| But I would have thought that Gallagher would have been able to draw more than that. | ||
| That doesn't make sense to me. | ||
| That he has to do these tiny little clubs. | ||
| That was 20 years ago, bro. | ||
| Yeah, but I would think still just for the variety of it. | ||
| Look, it wasn't the best show in the world, but it was ridiculous. | ||
| It was a fun thing to do. | ||
| So people move on. | ||
| Shame on him for still taking it to that point, for just depending on the house payments, on little things. | ||
| A lot of people don't plan ahead. | ||
| Did you ever hear him on the Marc Maron show? | ||
| No. | ||
| I just heard it this week. | ||
| And I actually heard a clip of it off of YouTube. | ||
| I heard when he left. | ||
| And it's fucking remarkable. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| A lot of people give Marc Maron a hard time. | ||
| For his interview style and for causing uncomfortable moments with people. | ||
| But this shit wasn't him at all. | ||
| This guy's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's an asshole. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dude, first of all, he was talking about comics saying what they should and shouldn't do. | ||
| That you shouldn't talk about yourself on stage. | ||
| Nobody wants to hear that. | ||
| And Maren was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| If you have something entertaining to say on stage, somehow that makes you less of a comic? | ||
| It was preposterous. | ||
| Your life is what makes you different. | ||
| He was saying shit like you can never work a state fair. | ||
| And Meryl was like, who the fuck wants to work at State Fair? | ||
| Like, what a weird thing to say. | ||
| But that's really what he was saying. | ||
| I mean, he was really saying that if you don't do your comedy for everybody, you'll never be able to work at State Fair. | ||
| You should do it the way I'm doing it. | ||
| And he's saying, so you're dismissing a great deal of really highly respected performers. | ||
| And Gallery's like, they're doing it wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a dick. | |
| He's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw him making fun of a guy with, I think we've talked about it, cerebral palsy or something. | |
| I can't remember what he has. | ||
| I mean, he fucking can't walk right and stuff and he made fun of him. | ||
| I don't know what it is or why he's like that. | ||
| He was huge and his brother tried to rob him. | ||
| Well, he gave his brother his act. | ||
| I don't know the whole fucking thing. | ||
| He either sold it to him or something and his brother looked just like him, so it was an easy sell. | ||
| And then he decided to come back. | ||
| And when he decided to come back, then he wanted his brother to stop, and then it became like a real problem. | ||
| So then it was Gallagher and Gallagher 2. You know, like his brother was like, a lot of people thought they were going to see Gallagher. | ||
| I mean, he was essentially doing the same act, which is really kind of fucking creepy. | ||
| It's like some invasion of the body snatchers type shit. | ||
| All of a sudden, your brother's like taking over your life. | ||
| Your brother's on the road doing your jokes. | ||
| You know, he has access to all of your material from your 14 one-hour specials. | ||
| And I guess like they made some sort of a business deal, but... | ||
| After a while... | ||
| I even forgot what I was going to tell you. | ||
| That cookie's kicking in and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cookie? | |
| I knew Joey did something because before the podcast even started, he's the one who put the joint away the quickest. | ||
| No, I ate a little piece of a bang chocolate. | ||
| Those bang chocolate triple strength, the hash. | ||
| Yeah, your eyelids look like they're sandbags right now. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm pretty fucked up, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You know, I... It must be amazing. | ||
| I heard you say something to somebody at the store one time and it made sense. | ||
| The guy from Oakland, the big guy that had the show about the school teacher. | ||
| Big guy, school teacher. | ||
| He had the show hanging out with Mr. Cooper. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You and him were having a conversation one day. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Mark Curry. | ||
| Mark Curry said something. | ||
| Awesome dude, by the way. | ||
| He said to you, motherfuckers don't know that you don't buy nothing until the fourth season. | ||
| Yeah, he did say that. | ||
| Somebody said you don't buy something to the fourth season. | ||
| And what happens here, you make a little bit of scratch, man, and it goes. | ||
| You know, Joe, even if you're financially, your house is paid for, that house exists. | ||
| You still got to pay for that. | ||
| You have to pay insurance. | ||
| Property taxes are still big. | ||
| You have to make money. | ||
| A $3 million house, you still got to make money to pay those fucking taxes. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| The road ain't cutting it. | ||
| And you know, Joe, you ever watch VH1? Like, where are they now? | ||
| You ever get stuck? | ||
| You're smoking dope in the afternoon, and they show, like, cherry pie. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's mine. | |
| You know, he just died. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He died out here. | ||
| At the hotel. | ||
| Not out here. | ||
| He was in, I think he was in West Hills or Woodland Hills? | ||
| Right around here. | ||
| Yeah, like one of those weird hotels that are, like, right off of the 101, man. | ||
| I'm just giving you an example. | ||
| He's 10 miles away from here. | ||
| He's a great one. | ||
| They'll show like one of those bands, like 867-5309. | ||
| Let's just take them. | ||
| Who knows what happened to them. | ||
| But they'll always go to the singer, and the singer now has a successful clothing line for children. | ||
| That's one thing comics have never prepared for. | ||
| You really think your fucking actor's going to work in 20 years? | ||
| Do you really in 20 years from today want to go out there talking about DMT? I mean, I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I stopped talking about DMT after the first six months of Q&As. | |
| You have to be prepared. | ||
| You have to evolve in this sport. | ||
| Yeah, well, you have to still be relevant because you have to still be doing what you want to be doing. | ||
| You know, that's what's really important. | ||
| And if you are, in 20 years from now, you're still in love with stand-up. | ||
| I don't suspect I won't be, man. | ||
| No, I'm still in love with stand-up. | ||
| I love stand-up as much now as I did when I first started. | ||
| If you go to Gallagher, Gallagher, did you ever think about doing a podcast? | ||
| He'd say no to you. | ||
| Because his thinking isn't like that. | ||
| Well, everybody's stand-up, you know, there's some people that they're not like a podcast sort of a guy. | ||
| I'm not talking about that. | ||
| I'm talking about evolution. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of these guys in the 90s came in and were giving shit to them at the comedy store. | |
| There's rumors about the people get off stage at the comedy store and there'd be club fucking owners right there going, hey, what are you doing February 13th? | ||
| Here's a plane ticket. | ||
| See you then. | ||
| It's a different patois. | ||
| Even if you see a comic from the 90s, his style's a little fucking different guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You see it. | ||
| And you can't, you know, so now you have to evolve. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I can still do my comedy. | ||
| There's still people that want to see me. | ||
| But I'll evolve. | ||
| I'll do a podcast. | ||
| I'll get a webpage. | ||
| I'll draw a blog. | ||
| I'll do all these things. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| To keep the fucking people that I have. | ||
| These guys you go to with an idea that is going to enhance them. | ||
| They're going to go, nah! | ||
| I'll just get my people on the road. | ||
| Fine then. | ||
| Everybody's on Twitter. | ||
| We had the discussion before the thing. | ||
| One day I find out I'm going to Miami Improv and I put it on there. | ||
| I call fucking the ladies. | ||
| Like, I don't know what I got for radio. | ||
| I call Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Bert said to go on Ron and Paul. | ||
| I just put on Twitter. | ||
| So you're talking about to promote the show? | ||
| To promote the show. | ||
| I'm not talking about these shows. | ||
| I'm talking about any show. | ||
| I put on Twitter, hey, any suggestions of radio stations in Florida I'd like to go on? | ||
| Within three days, I had 20 people contacting me. | ||
| So if you're a comedian, you're not fucking around with Twitter. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| Any businessman. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| If you're trying to market a product that you have and you're not on Twitter or on a computer and tweeting with people and communicating and putting your videos up and giving away stuff, then you're in a different fucking planet. | ||
| Hey, 2012. If you're a comedian, you can be the funniest guy in the world. | ||
| Yeah, I agree with you. | ||
| This is a big part of entertainment today. | ||
| I pay for 500 fucking channels a month and so do you. | ||
| 620 when you add fuel and all those communist fucking channels up there. | ||
| I pay for 600 channels a month. | ||
| But I'm still on my computer 50 to 60% of my fucking day. | ||
| 70% of my day. | ||
| I watch a few shows. | ||
| The Walking Dead. | ||
| The Killing. | ||
| But let's fucking face it. | ||
| You might catch a documentary and what do you think? | ||
| I'm the only guy? | ||
| I don't even like the computer. | ||
| There's people who live on fucking there. | ||
| So if you're not working on there today, I'm not talking about five years ago, 10th day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I learned that from, and I tell you all the time, from Irvine last summer, no radio, he still sold the place out. | ||
| 1,600 seats. | ||
| It seats 320 times five shows. | ||
| Yeah, we stopped doing, well, we still do our friends when we do local radio shows. | ||
| You know, if it's like, it's the guys that, you know, I've done their show before and I look forward to doing it, like Dale Dudley in Austin. | ||
| But we don't have to do anything anymore. | ||
| That's the crazy thing. | ||
| It's all our fans now. | ||
| I don't even like that word. | ||
| It's all our people now. | ||
| Everyone knows exactly what the fuck is up when they get there. | ||
| It's a completely different crowd. | ||
| Last year on Christmas, how much did sales go up online? | ||
| 38%. | ||
| In two years, you're not going to leave the house to buy a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no reason to leave the house. | |
| Amazon, I fucking suck that. | ||
| I want to suck Mr. Amazon's dick. | ||
| Because he's genius. | ||
| Listen, bro. | ||
| Yeah, one click. | ||
| One click. | ||
| And you can do it on your phone. | ||
| Dude, I just got the Doce book. | ||
| Two days fucking later, I got it on whatever. | ||
| I order coconut water. | ||
| I order fucking weed papers. | ||
| You can order everything off of fucking that Amazon nut. | ||
| By the way, at Amazon, you can get it on a book reader app and you can watch it and read it on your phone. | ||
| You can buy a lot of different guys' books as a download and read it on a book reader on your phone. | ||
| So you'd have it on you all the time. | ||
| I mean, the amount of storage that your phone has is incredible. | ||
| I have that little Amazon app on my iPhone. | ||
| I have fucking, I don't know, 20, 30 books on my iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you use the Amazon app before you use Apple's iBooks? | |
| No, I use that too. | ||
| But I use both of them. | ||
| They're both great. | ||
| The iBooks is awesome too. | ||
| The iBooks I like, I really love for the iPad. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| I love the turning of the pages. | ||
| Have you seen the new one? | ||
| The graphic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you looked at a new one yet? | |
| No, I haven't seen one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really hard to tell, but yeah, you can kind of see a little bit more depth, but it's not a huge difference. | |
| Yeah, to me, what it is, is the iPad's something that's, like, when you're sitting on the couch and you're fucking bored, you know, you just fuck around and see what's going on in your email, see what's going on in the message board. | ||
| I don't, it's a temporary thing. | ||
| It's like, I gotta leave in 20 minutes, let me pick up my iPad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it for games. | |
| I think it's way better than any. | ||
| Oh yeah, for moving and shit? | ||
| Yeah, that's incredible. | ||
| The gyroscope in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, for kids. | |
| Can I write on there, cuz? | ||
| Write on it? | ||
| Yeah, you could. | ||
| You could write in Notepad. | ||
| What about, can I go online? | ||
| That's where I put all my ideas. | ||
| So you gotta hook me up on an iPad, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure, I'll give you one. | |
| The Notepad? | ||
| I don't want one. | ||
| I want you to give me one. | ||
| I want you to take me to Apple and tell me what to buy and what programs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll sell you my iPad, too. | |
| Well, whatever you want. | ||
| Why don't you teach me? | ||
| I gotta take something off the road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
$400. | |
| What the fuck are you eating over there? | ||
| What are your fucking mints from American Airlines? | ||
| I gotta hide these things from you. | ||
| No, bro, you put everything here. | ||
| I gotta take something. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I know, but just eat it and then talk. | ||
| I'm over here thinking whether I took my fish capsules today. | ||
| I did. | ||
| You got the Ultraman. | ||
| You got everything here, brother. | ||
| I ain't managing. | ||
| You got everything over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was going to be on Opie and Anthony last night. | |
| I was on the line, but then I got too tired. | ||
| I just hung up. | ||
| Me and Anthony were both up for that Shorty Award bullshit for a web show. | ||
| I told you that was nonsense. | ||
| Let me pee. | ||
| Tell the story to Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me and Jim Norton was also up, I think, for a Now explain to me what a Shorty Award is and how you get nominated. | |
| Shorty Award. | ||
| This is something I found out during all this. | ||
| Shorty Award is like you get nominated by people and then you... | ||
| The top five... | ||
| There's all these categories. | ||
| Like you're best comedian, best web show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of categories. | |
| And so if people start voting for you, then the top seven people, I think, get nominated for that category. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So out of like... | |
| Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people. | ||
| I was in the top seven. | ||
| I was number three, I think. | ||
| And so was Anthony from Opie and Anthony and some wrestler named Zack Ryder or something like that. | ||
| And so the top seven are up for this nominee and then Everyone started telling me, like, hey, you know, that shit's just a scam. | ||
| What they do is they get everyone to vote for you on Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then, so all these people are trying to win. | |
| Like, Anthony's tweeting. | ||
| I'm tweeting. | ||
| Hey, please vote for me. | ||
| All these people are tweeting. | ||
| So it just thinks everyone... | ||
| It just advertises the Shorty Awards. | ||
| And then, so everybody then... | ||
| Who wins the Shorty Awards? | ||
| It's very suspect who wins. | ||
| It's almost like the Shorty Awards is this big scam to promote certain things. | ||
| Do you feel that it's a scam because you lost? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I heard this before it ended. | |
| Then I stopped promoting the Shorty Awards near the end because people were telling me all about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I watched it, Jim Norton wasn't We was up for Best Community. | |
| I don't know who won that. | ||
| Anthony was who I thought should have won. | ||
| But then this miscellaneous girl that everyone's telling me is the worst show ever. | ||
| She had one-eighth of the vote that Anthony had, or one-tenth of the vote even. | ||
| I try not to generalize about things too much, but in general... | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the categories, we're like this. | |
| I think award shows are fucking stupid. | ||
| Why would you care? | ||
| That's what I feel like. | ||
| Here's the only reason why I even question it more is because after you get nominated, they have the ceremony in New York, and then they immediately sent me an email for like, for the $400 package, you get to come in and meet with other people and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Oh, so they're selling you a vacation package? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're selling you like really expensive tickets even if you're nominated for awards. | |
| So you can't go to the award unless you pay to go to the award or something like that. | ||
| So wait a minute. | ||
| So they're offering you to buy tickets to go to an award show where you're nominated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That is ridiculous. | ||
| So it's a big money-making venture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a big money-making venture. | |
| And I would say, this is just my opinion, I would say that the people that won that, there's a reason why they all won it. | ||
| There's a reason why they all won it. | ||
| You think it's all horseshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's all horseshit. | |
| How can they get away with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| How can they get away with that? | ||
| Because once in a while, they give it to somebody legit, like Conan O'Brien or something like that, just so they can have a photo of him holding it, and then it's like, it's a money-making thing. | ||
| You don't think that they have to, like, quantify, like, calculate what their numbers are? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that invisible children shit that's going on right now. | |
| That guy said he was going to keep, what, 90% of the donation or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, isn't that amazing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's a funny... | |
| People are trying to find ways to make money. | ||
| They got him on video. | ||
| One of the guys on video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| I caught that shit before the naked incident. | ||
| I will give you money directly. | ||
| How is that legal? | ||
| I will give you money directly if you need it. | ||
| And it breaks my heart when you see a hurricane and you see an earthquake and you want to send 50 bucks or 100. But in the back of my mind, I say, why? | ||
| Because I've worked for those organizations where you sign up with the cops, for example. | ||
| You call people and go, Joe Rogan, how you doing, Joe Diaz? | ||
| PB92 here, we'll call them because the cops want to get bulletproof things. | ||
| If you sign up with us for advertising in our book, we will give you a sticker, and that goes in the back of your car. | ||
| When you get pulled over for a ticket, you tell the cop you donated, and he'll leniency and all this bullshit. | ||
| So let's say you donate $500. | ||
| How much do you actually think goes to that donation? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| 30%. | ||
| 30-something percent, okay? | ||
| So basically, you're $500, and that's even if it goes. | ||
| That's even if it goes. | ||
| Every fucking earthquake, every catastrophe, there's always donations. | ||
| And two years later, what do you read? | ||
| Somebody clipped a donation. | ||
| Even your Wycliffe gene with the fucking Haiti. | ||
| A million dollars is a lot of fucking money when people give it to you. | ||
| And I'm not saying he stole it. | ||
| I'm not no judge. | ||
| But I'm just saying, you know, you have all that money. | ||
| What was he being accused of? | ||
| Why Clef John? | ||
| Fucking Clippin! | ||
| His fucking organization for Haiti. | ||
| The Haiti Foundation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just money laundering, pretty much, right? | |
| I don't really know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how you, if you've got tons of money... | |
| Well, I don't think so. | ||
| I think, you know what I think? | ||
| I think people, they start out with ideas of doing something that helps, but they also want to get paid. | ||
| And it's a difficult job, and they feel like they should get paid along with helping. | ||
| So a certain percentage of the money... | ||
| It has to go towards the staff. | ||
| And that's just how they feel and it becomes a business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing wrong with being paid to do charitable work. | |
| I understand. | ||
| But if you said to me you were going to Haiti and I gave you a hundred bucks and you said to me, Joey, I'm going to take all the money I get and I'm going to pay for a plane ticket and whatever out of this money. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| That's what I understand. | ||
| I don't understand when I'm giving you a hundred bucks and you got to take Brian with you and put it for the lights at your office Right. | ||
| And write your car off on it. | ||
| Well, they have to have some sort of infrastructure, though, no? | ||
| But 30% of what I've fucking given you... | ||
| Yeah, that seems too much, but I have a feeling... | ||
| 33%? | ||
| Every business is fucking really expensive to run, man. | ||
| You know, it's expensive to buy plane tickets. | ||
| It's expensive to ship things. | ||
| It's expensive to keep the lights on, keep the heat on, keep the air conditioning on, keep people getting checks every fucking week, steady checks every week. | ||
| You gotta keep money coming in every week in order to just pay these people to... | ||
| Stay inside the organization. | ||
| It's a constant money-eating machine. | ||
| And I think a lot of people aren't aware of that when you think about any charitable organization. | ||
| Everything costs money. | ||
| The world costs money. | ||
| So it's hard for these people to figure out a way to do it and balance it right. | ||
| That said, you get something like the Coney situation, and you get some fucking... | ||
| Crazy assholes. | ||
| That's what you got there. | ||
| That guy who went crazy in San Diego, could he have put more gay flair into what he was doing when he was running around throwing his arms through the air? | ||
| That guy clearly has some sort of a weird fucking nutty suppression. | ||
| He went nuts. | ||
| He pulled off this scam, made some stupid amount of money, probably looked at his PayPal account, Did some meth and just ran outside and said, I gotta be me! | ||
| And I thought that this was it. | ||
| He was just going to run naked through the streets of San Diego and beat off in front of fucking passing by cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To be fair, he was running with invisible children. | |
| We just couldn't see him. | ||
| Oh, they were all invisible. | ||
| Yeah, that's a fucking fascinating situation, man. | ||
| That guy made a lot of money really quickly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, if you're going to have a charity, you might as well call it something like Invisible Children, too. | |
| So in the courtroom, you could always use a defense. | ||
| It was called Invisible Children, seriously. | ||
| Did no one figure that out? | ||
| I wonder how this is going to play out. | ||
| Because it's obvious now that everybody's been hustled, right? | ||
| Now it's pretty obvious that the guy's crazy. | ||
| The other guy seems to have said something really dubious. | ||
| PayPal, if you have donated to this guy, PayPal lets you reverse it for up to, I think, three months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So it's even longer than a Visa card. | |
| So was, hmm, I wonder who paid in which way? | ||
| I think most people probably use PayPal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone uses PayPal. | |
| But ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to advise you what to do, but I think you know what to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| Don't let that go. | ||
| Tell you something, this Cody situation is very unique and stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll tell you what's starting to scare the shit out of Uncle Joey, guys, is the Trevor fucking situation in Florida. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not going to end good. | ||
| That's not going to end good. | ||
| That's the beginning. | ||
| There's wheels going in this country right now. | ||
| There's wheels going. | ||
| And you can tell me that the kid smoked pot or he got suspended from school. | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't mean shit. | ||
| Once the dude said that you stopped following the fucking kid, and you know what? | ||
| They're going to have to arrest this guy or somebody. | ||
| It's going to get ugly. | ||
| You're down in Florida, dog, where those brothers are fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that heat and all that Mogambo juice and shit, you know, it's going to be bad. | ||
| And they're having rallies all over the country. | ||
| The whole thing is so scary. | ||
| It's very scary, gentlemen. | ||
| Strap a fucking pair on it. | ||
| They don't arrest this motherfucker within the next week or do something. | ||
| They got to do something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| That guy had tried to be a cop. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And had been rejected. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| This is an easy story to figure out. | ||
| Not only that, he had a string of ridiculous 911 calls. | ||
| Yeah, stand my guard, fucking Lord. | ||
| He called 911 for a nine-year-old kid. | ||
| There was a nine-year-old kid in his neighborhood and he called 911 for him. | ||
| You better fucking prepare for that one because if that shit don't strap on, I'd give it another ten days before something starts. | ||
| Something has to start. | ||
| We're going there, man. | ||
| It has to. | ||
| It has to. | ||
| It's going to be like fucking fight the power and do the right thing at the end when the fucking brothers went crazy in Bed-Stuy. | ||
| And it's going to be fucking... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I can't blame them. | ||
| What part of Florida is this all going down in? | ||
| Stanford? | ||
| Stanford? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Close to Miami, I think. | ||
| I don't know exactly the point. | ||
| We're going to Hollywood. | ||
| I'm going to be with Duncan Trussell at the improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, everybody! | |
| April 13th, 14th, and 15th. | ||
| The improv in Fort Lauderdale. | ||
| I've just been watching this thing escalate. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| I'm watching this thing escalate. | ||
| See exactly where it is. | ||
| See exactly where it is, little brother. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of interesting. | ||
| You know, look... | ||
| It's fucked up, man. | ||
| There's no bringing a kid back. | ||
| It's fucked up, period. | ||
| Even if the kid did something, even if the kid was a punk, even if the kid was... | ||
| I mean, there's no bringing a kid back. | ||
| Really, the most disturbing thing to me always is lost potential. | ||
| You know, and any person who's been a punk at 15 and 16, you know, deserves a chance to learn from their mistakes. | ||
| Every kid does. | ||
| I mean, outside of horrible sociopathic crimes and murders and things along those lines, every kid, you know, everybody makes mistakes, especially people without poor guidance or in a bad environment. | ||
| So, you know, regardless of what happened that day, I feel terrible because this, you know, this A potential is gone. | ||
| That's how you gotta look at a kid. | ||
| A kid is potential. | ||
| I know so many people. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| I know so many people that at one point in their life were not good people. | ||
| They were fucked up. | ||
| They were in a bad place. | ||
| But they turned around and became some of my favorite people. | ||
| You're a perfect example. | ||
| I mean, you always tell these stories about kidnapping a dude and fucking tying him up with a machine gun. | ||
| But you're one of my favorite people. | ||
| Yeah, but you're one of my favorite people on the planet. | ||
| You know, you come over and play with my kids. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like people don't realize that people absolutely can change. | ||
| It is very possible. | ||
| So when you see a young kid dying, even if the kid was doing something bad... | ||
| There's criminals and there's confusion. | ||
| There's criminals and there's confusion. | ||
| Kids don't know what the fuck they want to do. | ||
| I was lost. | ||
| I thought that's what I wanted to do, and once I did it, I seen the reality of it, and I never did it again. | ||
| And for some people, they take the lesson, they run with it, and for some other people, they fucking keep doing what they were doing because they don't really want to go anywhere. | ||
| They don't really want to go anywhere. | ||
| Even in my darkest moments, I always just wanted a little bit of light so I could shine just to go forward. | ||
| That's all I was ever looking for. | ||
| That sounds like a Hallmark card. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Write that shit down. | ||
| I wasn't looking for anything. | ||
| I was looking for 1,500 hours just to get me started. | ||
| That's it, to get an apartment, to get a car. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's all I wanted, but it was between the addiction and the things around me and myself and my weaknesses, it was a spinning ball that you can't get yourself out of. | ||
| Thank whoever the fuck is up there watching me that I got a break and whatever, and today I'm not fucking letting me do whatever, but I'm alive. | ||
| When I wake up in the mornings, I'm alive, dog. | ||
| I didn't think I was going to be alive at 49. Who the fuck are you kidding? | ||
| I didn't want to be alive at 49, but now I want to be alive, man. | ||
| It's beautiful because I crossed over. | ||
| I don't have that thing in the back of your mind, which is addiction. | ||
| The same thing people have when they're gay or when they're in the closet about something they did. | ||
| That weighs, that bears heavy on your fucking soul. | ||
| It doesn't bear on your psyche. | ||
| It bears on your soul. | ||
| I always felt... | ||
| Less than what I was. | ||
| Even if I killed. | ||
| Because I'm still a fucking junkie. | ||
| That always is circling your fucking dome, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And that's why I always... | ||
| I feel bad for... | ||
| I see something sometimes and I know exactly what it is. | ||
| You know, when a guy wants to be a cop... | ||
| How many guys you grew up with that? | ||
| Were fucking cops when they were eight. | ||
| They were school guards. | ||
| They took it a little bit too... | ||
| Cross the street! | ||
| Walk on the line! | ||
| Bitch! | ||
| You don't even get paid for this. | ||
| I'm about to steal your fucking lunchbox and hit you in the head with it. | ||
| There's a lot of kids and they grow up... | ||
| You know, they have the flag on their shirt. | ||
| Jesus Christ, you know, these spics are taking over. | ||
| And then they go for the cop test and there's a problem. | ||
| They're fucking psychologically fucking deranged. | ||
| So now they become a security guard at a mall. | ||
| And they take that job too fucking seriously. | ||
| Last night, I'm at the ha-ha. | ||
| It's a Kevin James movie. | ||
| Paul Blart. | ||
| They get dark. | ||
| For some people, it's a job. | ||
| For some people, pull over. | ||
| I got a 911 here. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| I stole a pack of fucking gum, you fucking moron. | ||
| Some people like to control people. | ||
| They enjoy it. | ||
| It's like when I watch a cop show and they high-five when they bust somebody. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| Did you know that Tim Sylvia is a cop? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I think it's somewhere. | ||
| I mean, it was cold out wherever it was. | ||
| I guess it's probably Iowa. | ||
| It's probably somewhere in Iowa. | ||
| It might not be Iowa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like for bachelor parties? | |
| No, he was a fucking cop. | ||
| He was doing a lot of shifts as a police officer. | ||
| They showed, they went on tour with him. | ||
| Or tour. | ||
| On tour with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On tour! | |
| They went on, when he was out, you know, doing his rounds. | ||
| And what did they say? | ||
| Cruising? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did he say? | |
| Cops following his cruiser. | ||
| Following his cruiser. | ||
| Driving around. | ||
| Isn't it funny that it can be a cruiser with a cop, but anybody else, you're looking to suck a guy's dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's troubling. | |
| You're cruising. | ||
| You know, if you're cruising, you're cruising for men. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anyway, he's trying to get back into the UFC, I guess. | ||
| But he's doing like, you know, he's taking some small fights and he works as a cop. | ||
| He actually likes doing it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It seems like it would be a nice guy to get pulled over by him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, no. | |
| He doesn't have a big chip on his shoulder. | ||
| Some guys, you can tell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some people want to be cops for the right reasons. | ||
| For the right reasons. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's the wrong logic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some people. | |
| There's a way to get fucking flies with gum instead of fucking vinegar. | ||
| Last night I got out of the ha-ha. | ||
| Last night I got out of the ha-ha. | ||
| They do Monday nights, they do the comedy contest. | ||
| I come back with a laugh factor. | ||
| I pull over by the ha-ha and the kid says, dog, you want to go up? | ||
| I said, yeah, I'll close the show out while they count the thing. | ||
| It was black heavy audience last night. | ||
| If there was 60 people, there was 30 brothers, they went there to see this one black kid from Chicago. | ||
| I didn't watch them. | ||
| I got there late. | ||
| And I went on stage, whatever. | ||
| I get off. | ||
| The show ended. | ||
| We're outside. | ||
| I'm talking to D'Agostino. | ||
| And there's brothers standing. | ||
| Three of them. | ||
| Nice guys. | ||
| Just talking. | ||
| Talking about tomorrow's job. | ||
| But there's no cars on Lancashire. | ||
| So there's no cars parked. | ||
| So the one guy is in the street. | ||
| Six inches from the sidewalk. | ||
| Talking. | ||
| You know how sometimes you're smoking a cigarette away from people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Fucking cop is on Lancashire. | ||
| And I'm watching this cop. | ||
| He's at the light. | ||
| And all of a sudden he comes up to where these guys are standing and stops. | ||
| And ten cars are behind the traffic. | ||
| And he just stops and looks at them. | ||
| And he puts his thing on and he goes, Hey! | ||
| Get back on the fucking sidewalk! | ||
| And the guy's like, officer, I'm not doing anything. | ||
| He shined the light. | ||
| There's 200 people out there walking around. | ||
| This guy's beating fucking Johnny Bananas out there. | ||
| So then he puts the light on me. | ||
| I'm just over there by the corner talking to the ex. | ||
| Then I go, what? | ||
| And he goes, he turns around, makes a U-turn. | ||
| He goes, what did you say to me? | ||
| I said, dog, you're over there harassing three fucking black guys with the problems we got in this country going on right now. | ||
| Use your fucking head. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| And he looked at me. | ||
| What's your name? | ||
| I go, I got my ID in the car. | ||
| I wasn't drinking. | ||
| I got no weed in the car. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| That's what you're worried about? | ||
| Three guys? | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| Let them get hit. | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| Let them get hit by the fucking car. | ||
| Is he doing his job? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Mind your fucking business. | ||
| There's things you look at and there's things you don't fucking look at. | ||
| You ever go to Hollywood and you're driving and all of a sudden there's a fucking bunch of traffic in Hollywood? | ||
| And you go around and you realize it's a cop pulling over a homeless guy that's on the corner laying there puking. | ||
| So he pulls over like Adam 12 so you can have all this fucking traffic. | ||
| Really, bitch? | ||
| Where were you when they were shooting motherfuckers up in North Hollywood, motherfucker? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, they act like, really? | ||
| You're going to pull over to bother a homeless fucking guy? | ||
| I think we can agree that there are some cunty cops. | ||
| No, but there's cops that... | ||
| But there's a lot of great cops, too. | ||
| No, there's great fucking cops. | ||
| The ones that look at you for what the fuck it is. | ||
| And they're like, dog, are you fucking serious? | ||
| Yeah, well, we've talked about this before on the podcast, and one of the problems is quotas. | ||
| In order to show that they're doing their job, they have to catch people doing shit, especially speeding. | ||
| certain times of the month you just get crazy speed it's ridiculous it's incredible that that's uh that's like it's really a tactic because then what would happen if it was ever completely resolved what would what the fuck would they ever do if everybody just followed the speed limit because that's common man this google car shit when they were gonna have cars that are gonna be they're you're gonna get in them and you could fucking be on your computer you could be doing whatever you want it's a personal craft that's gonna be able to follow a pattern and get you | ||
| You're not going to have to do any driving anymore. | ||
| It's 100% on the way. | ||
| You've seen the Google videos, right, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crossing cars? | |
| Google cars? | ||
| You haven't. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Prepare to get your fucking mind blown. | ||
| Pull up on that thing. | ||
| Google car drives itself. | ||
| Dude, Google is for sure Skynet. | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| Google is going to be one day when we talk back, like the way we view the ancient Egyptians and we try to decipher their society, Google is going to play a huge part in the myth of the The downing of the American society and the downing of the Western world. | ||
| Is that a commercial first? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Looks like it. | |
| I don't know if it is, though. | ||
| What did you pull up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A Google car. | |
| Google car that drives itself? | ||
| Scoot back a little so I can see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, she's killing me. | |
| Fast forward this hooker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, whoa. | |
| The kind of fuel it uses, but changing something far more fundamental. | ||
| When I say hooker, I say I would love. | ||
| She seems like a nice lady, I'm just saying that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, she does have... | |
| her vagina out. | ||
| She does not. | ||
| Pull forward so we can watch this fucking car drive itself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a couple Google commercials, so let's... | |
| No, you were just saying Google car drives itself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you Google that? | |
| Testing driving the Google car. | ||
| This sounds cool. | ||
| Well, they did one of them, the one I wanted to show you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google is making the leap from search engines to car engines, but not for just any car. | |
| The new Google car is unlike anything else on the road because it drives itself. | ||
| Becky Worley joins us via Skype, and you went along for a test drive. | ||
| Oh, thank you, Becky. | ||
| G4. I did. | ||
| Good morning, Robin. | ||
| Yeah, you heard that right. | ||
| Google, the internet company, has been secretly working on a sophisticated combination of hardware and software that could revolutionize the feasibility of a self-driving car. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness for the first time on any screen a preview of things to come in your car of tomorrow. | ||
| Ah, old visions of futuristic cars. | ||
| First, cruise control, then cars that parked themselves, and then ones that helped you avoid fender benders. | ||
| But now... | ||
| And now it's driving again. | ||
| A self-driving car. | ||
| And from, of all companies, Google. | ||
| It uses cameras inside to spot traffic lights and other things. | ||
| It also uses this thing on the top, which is a scanning laser. | ||
| They say this car's already driven itself 140,000 miles. | ||
| Driven itself? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Here's how it works. | ||
| You tell the car your destination, it plots a route, it's aware of speed limits, traffic patterns, and known obstacles. | ||
| So the wheel just turned completely by itself? | ||
| Completely by itself. | ||
| It's not intended to replace drivers, but to help them. | ||
| It's like super cruise control. | ||
| Imagine clicking the button for auto drive when you wanted to dial a phone number or read a text. | ||
| If you wish to drive it, just fine. | ||
| If you wish to waste 52 minutes in commute traffic, go ahead, be my guest. | ||
| In fact, Google touts safety as their motivation. | ||
| They say this technology could one day cut traffic deaths in half. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| It got really nervous. | ||
| Yeah, it must have thought it saw somebody coming in down the on-ramp. | ||
| So how does it handle stop signs and alternating turns with other cars at intersections? | ||
| Cross walk-ahead. | ||
| It would be the same probably with pedestrian safety in the sense of using the radio signals to check and see who's in front of them, who's around. | ||
| But how does it handle the unexpected? | ||
| How about a little game of chicken? | ||
| Oh my god, fuck that. | ||
| She's stepping in front of the car. | ||
| My hope is that we transform society to make traffic safer, more efficient, and also more pleasurable. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, Google says they have no plans to put this to the consumer market anytime soon. | |
| They don't know what it would cost when it does come to market. | ||
| But besides safety, they hope this reduces emissions, reduces our dependence on fossil fuels, and, Robin, eases congestion. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's incredible, man. | ||
| Folks who are just listening to this, the video shows this thing on top of it, like some sort of a Star Trek thing spinning around in a circle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really fast and violently. | |
| And it's getting images of all the cars in the neighborhood and where they're coming from. | ||
| It's like an overhead view. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That does not seem like a good idea. | |
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| It seems awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I mean, right now. | |
| It seems awesome, dude. | ||
| It seems awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you trust that, though? | |
| Well, I like driving. | ||
| I like the feeling. | ||
| I have some cool cars. | ||
| I like the feeling of a sporty car that handles well. | ||
| Like I said, not even driving irresponsibly. | ||
| Just driving at normal highway speeds, a sporty car, it's fun. | ||
| It feels like it's a ride. | ||
| But that would take all that out of it. | ||
| Then you would just want to be comfortable. | ||
| But it would be a lot safer. | ||
| What happens if you're like, I'm going to push on that button and let it do its thing while I do a text message? | ||
|
unidentified
|
As an example, you're on the freeway. | |
| You look down, you're texting it. | ||
| The computer that it's running on, for some reason, just starts spinning. | ||
| Like the beach ball, thinking about something. | ||
| It has a little hiccup, and then a semi slams on its brakes, and you're not looking up, and you go right into the back of the semi. | ||
| That could be possible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't trust it that much. | |
| It is a computer. | ||
| This car isn't ready to come out tomorrow. | ||
| The only fucking advantage I see to this car is you eat a cookie, you're driving, and all of a sudden that motherfucker hits you, you're like, fuck this, I'm tapping out. | ||
| Take me home. | ||
| Take me home, bitch. | ||
| That's the only advantage of something like this. | ||
| Well, the advantage would be that this thing has gone over 100,000 miles with no accidents. | ||
| That's incredible, and it's on regular roads. | ||
| It may be that that's a way better way for us to get along. | ||
| I think it probably is. | ||
| I mean, would you be safe doing that if the whole thing was wired that way and it's the only people who got around? | ||
| I think you'd probably be safer. | ||
| The only problem we would have is if one day the system cracked and we had a lot of those cars going around and all the cars would start going fucking crazy and start doing 90 or whatever. | ||
| It seems inevitable though, doesn't it? | ||
| Yeah, no, no. | ||
| And pretty soon these motherfuckers are going to have the car that flies right over you. | ||
| The anti-traffic mobile. | ||
| You just pop that motherfucker and it goes up 10 feet in the air. | ||
| They're going to have everything. | ||
| Well, you know, that was an event originally, rather. | ||
| That's what they thought the helicopter was going to be. | ||
| They thought the helicopter was going to be able to replace the car. | ||
| And everyone would just fly around in helicopters. | ||
| That was the initial idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, can you imagine how horrible that would be? | |
| Everyone had fucking helicopters and sound like shit all night long. | ||
| Yeah, flying over your house. | ||
| No one would have any privacy. | ||
| It doesn't matter where you live. | ||
| You could live behind the tallest of gates and the highest of mountains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Someone would just fly up there and just fly over your fucking house. | |
| Bitch, I'm over your house! | ||
| You can never control, you know, they could fuck with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put up on people's houses and stuff. | |
| Yeah, they could just throw rocks off the top of their helicopter at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pee on people's houses. | |
| Open the window and just drop some shit on your house. | ||
| They could always be over your house. | ||
| You could never stop, you know, you could stop someone from driving in your driveway. | ||
| How the fuck do you stop them from flying over your house? | ||
| Like, climb down a ladder and have sex on people's houses would be, like, popular to do, like, celebrity's houses. | ||
| People would be mad as fuck because you'd hear that helicopter. | ||
| And they don't even bother, like, having that guy take off and come back. | ||
| No, they keep it hovering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to have sex on Joey Rogan's house. | |
| It's like fucking being in Apocalypse Now. | ||
| It's like living in that fucking movie. | ||
| That would be a nightmare. | ||
| Then there'd have to be more helicopters in the sky that are cops to stop these motherfuckers. | ||
| Pull over, pull over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Constant crashes. | |
| And how would you even make them pull over? | ||
| Yeah, you get too close, you guys are going to hit blades and everybody dies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if we all had hot air balloons? | |
| That'd be pretty stupid. | ||
| That'd be cool. | ||
| That'd be cool that the sky would look awesome if we all had hot air balloons. | ||
| Well, people would be falling out of the fucking sky all the time. | ||
| That's how husbands and wives would get rid of each other. | ||
| Take each other up in a hot air balloon and fucking shoot a hole in the parachute. | ||
| We both go, you motherfucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we could dress up our hot air balloons with certain designs and like Joey Diaz would just have a huge Godfather design. | |
| You'd have a big monkey or something. | ||
| Just sitting in this balloon, floating around. | ||
| That shit's going to ask the shit out of me, dog. | ||
| That's big in Colorado. | ||
| In Colorado they have the big festivals, I think also in Arizona. | ||
| And in Colorado, I would wake up early in Snowmass Village and go see what they were doing. | ||
| They'd eat with the whole fucking thing. | ||
| We went down there, but it was the day we were supposed to go there. | ||
| It was canceled because of the weather. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We made a trip down to Colorado Springs, and God, the fucking traffic back was brutal. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| There's one lane this way, one lane that way. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking a nightmare. | ||
| How many people are here? | ||
| There's a lot of people here. | ||
| Why don't you expand this shit, you crazy fucks? | ||
| Well, some of the shit they just saved for the whole patois. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, fucking why? | ||
| With naturals. | ||
| Well, there's some roads that are preposterous to the amount of people that are traveling through them for them to be that narrow. | ||
| The worst road they have up there is Independence Pass. | ||
| That's the worst thing I've ever been on in my life. | ||
| That's what connects Aspen and Denver. | ||
| But it closes... | ||
| What's the matter, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are asking me in real life. | |
| They don't get it. | ||
| Somebody just asked me, do you know if there's an Olive Garden in Vegas? | ||
| Like a friend of mine. | ||
| And I'm like, come on, dude. | ||
| Are you being serious? | ||
| Do you think that's funny? | ||
| Why would I know that? | ||
| What does that have to do with... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just asked me why I was laughing. | |
| Oh, so you were just reading your phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, somebody just texted me. | |
| Well, Independence Pass closes in late August and it opens in June because that's how dangerous it is. | ||
| Because that's where it starts snowing first. | ||
| It snows everywhere else a month later because that's the higher elevations. | ||
| And the good thing about it is when you hit Aspen and you go through this thing, it's two lanes but two skinny fucking lanes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like as skinny as they could be allowed by law. | ||
| And there's some turns that you, dog, they're just, but at the end of that, they have the whatever black, black wolf in at the end. | ||
| It's like a bed and breakfast and the lady's got wolves and they fucking howl at night. | ||
| People like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it's pretty cool if you ever met. | ||
| The crazy thing is if you're on those roads and someone breaks down. | ||
| That's when it's crazy, because you've got to kind of help them, because there's nobody anywhere, anywhere near that. | ||
| And there's probably no cell phone service either. | ||
| No, there's nothing. | ||
| If you see someone broken down there, you've got to take a real big chance there. | ||
| You might have to take somebody in your car and bring them with you. | ||
| I don't like doing that, man. | ||
| That's a good scam up there. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Yeah, it is a good scam. | ||
| People pull guns out, pull your car out, especially if they have a nice car. | ||
| They'll pretend to have a flat tire, especially if it's like a guy and a girl. | ||
| They look like respectable people. | ||
| Super normal scam to hijack people's cars. | ||
| They just found some girl in Vermont. | ||
| They found her body in the woods, and her car was running, and her kid was in the car. | ||
| It's really fucked up shit, man. | ||
| When you hear those kind of stories, you're like, man... | ||
| You really do have to worry about people, man. | ||
| You really do have to worry about people out there. | ||
| Because every now and then, someone's in the wrong place at the wrong time. | ||
| And 99% of the people that you run into are really nice people and they're not trying to hurt anybody. | ||
| But there was another instance in, I think it was New Hampshire. | ||
| This was in Vermont. | ||
| I think there was an instance in New Hampshire where the same thing. | ||
| A woman turned up missing, and her kid was in the car unharmed, and then it turned out she was dead. | ||
| And they never found a suspect. | ||
| They didn't know who the fuck did it. | ||
| There's people out there that have gone away with murder. | ||
| They're still out there. | ||
| That's a fact, 100%. | ||
| This ain't CSI. | ||
| I've been in two fucked-up situations where I remember one time I was like 14, and it snowed like two feet of snow in Jersey. | ||
| And the buses weren't working. | ||
| I wanted to shoot hoops. | ||
| So I walked to St. Michael's. | ||
| But we ended up staying there until like midnight. | ||
| And I had no buses. | ||
| And I had to walk home. | ||
| And the fucking car pulled over. | ||
| And he's like, get in the car. | ||
| You want a ride? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He goes, where do you go? | ||
| And I used to get off on Sears. | ||
| And I remember that he started playing with the ball. | ||
| The ball was between my legs. | ||
| And he started playing with the ball. | ||
| And he went, if you want, we come to my house. | ||
| I got games over there and shit. | ||
| And I didn't know what to do. | ||
| I didn't have no heart to punch him. | ||
| I'm not going to tell you I was going to knock him out. | ||
| And there was a God, because at my light, the door opened. | ||
| I hadn't closed it all the way or something. | ||
| The door opened, and I just said, thank you, and I ran the fuck out of there, and he made a U-turn. | ||
| But, you know, I cut through Schutzen Park and all that shit, and he couldn't find me. | ||
| That's scary shit right there. | ||
| Can you imagine being one of those motherfuckers, too, and that's your compulsion? | ||
| Your compulsion is to go after kids. | ||
| Wow, terrible. | ||
| Like, wasn't that Sandusky guy? | ||
| Do you know that story that he got taped? | ||
| They got him on a wiretap from earlier, before all this broke out, from years back. | ||
| There was a woman, and he was accused of doing something inappropriate with her son. | ||
| And she was talking to him on the phone, and he said, I wish I was dead. | ||
| That's what he said when they were talking to him about it. | ||
| He said, I wish I was dead. | ||
| That's how they feel. | ||
| What a terrible, sick, fucking, broken thing in the brain to make you do that. | ||
| That's what that thing that people have. | ||
| But isn't it fucked up that the brain is so weird like that, that it can't do something like that? | ||
| That someone could find themselves somehow or another in that kind of a terrible jail of a life? | ||
| But here's the beauty of it. | ||
| If you really read this whole thing in the showers, this fucking guy was pleading to get caught. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| Listen, if I have a little boy, you think I'm going to shower with him at the school fucking gym? | ||
| You think I'm going to take him to a school gym? | ||
| I don't think they have any place else to go. | ||
| We could just work it out. | ||
| He also had a wife. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| And apparently one of the kids said that he was over the house and he was screaming for help and the wife ignored him. | ||
| He was screaming for help. | ||
| And he talked about it. | ||
| Like, help, this guy's fucking me. | ||
| Like, the first time Sandusky fucked him. | ||
| He's screaming for help, and the wife just ignored him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The wife is probably in the other room master. | |
| The wife, they also lived, apparently, he lives, like, right across the street from a schoolyard. | ||
| So he sits in the back porch and he watches kids play. | ||
| From his fucking house. | ||
| Like, whoa! | ||
| Isn't it amazing that guy was in that position for so long? | ||
| You think the world makes sense and that things come to light always? | ||
| Not necessarily, man. | ||
| They kept that a secret for a long goddamn time. | ||
| Maybe the people deep inside knew about it, but we didn't know about it for a long goddamn time. | ||
| That's a pretty impressive bit of secret keeping. | ||
| I wonder how many other secrets are like that out there. | ||
| Especially in places where it becomes sort of cult-like, like Penn State. | ||
| I mean, when that guy, when nobody even wanted to hear why they fired Joe Paterno. | ||
| They just wanted to turn cars over and light things on fire. | ||
| Like, you can't fire him. | ||
| You can't fire him. | ||
| There was riots, man. | ||
| People were just going crazy and demonstrating and screaming and yelling. | ||
| They were really mad. | ||
| They were really mad. | ||
| They would never even think that he could have been somehow or another aware that the guy he was working with for years was a kid fucker. | ||
| But he might have been. | ||
| He might have been. | ||
| They might have let it slide. | ||
| That's some scary shit. | ||
| That guy took kids with him on vacation. | ||
| That guy took kids with him to games and they stayed in the same room. | ||
| This is some dark, dark, dark shit. | ||
| People should have known about that a long time ago. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| I was one of those kids that went to camps. | ||
| I was on PAL basketball and the cops slept in the room with you. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I sit and think of all that shit and how lucky I am. | ||
| I was a wee blow for a week. | ||
| I didn't like that shit. | ||
| But as a kid, I never really... | ||
| I don't know what that world would be like. | ||
| It's so fucking dark for a child. | ||
| Any crime against a child... | ||
| It's so dark because it stays with them forever. | ||
| Yeah, it changes their life. | ||
| It changes their life and makes them adjust their life with that. | ||
| It just sits in your soul so much in those years, those formative years. | ||
| And the really scary thing is that supposedly, I mean, their thinking is the people that perpetrate it are ones who are victims themselves. | ||
| And that's another... | ||
| It fucking short-circuits their whole thing and makes them want to molest children. | ||
| It's terrible, man. | ||
| The whole thing is they almost want to bring someone into it like a vampire, like someone infecting someone else with the same thing that they got. | ||
| And that's how you pass it on. | ||
| I mean, I wonder how many references and how much of the mythology of the vampire is based on things like that. | ||
| That could easily be what it would be from. | ||
| Someone who has something horrible done to them when they're younger, they become that horrible thing. | ||
| There's probably one person that started it all, because he was the first person to molest a kid, and then it just grew and grew and grew. | ||
| I think monkeys, man, the thing is, if you look at monkeys, and I say monkeys, by the way, I know it's apes, it's chimpanzees, I know it's apes. | ||
| Monkey sounds cooler, so I use monkey. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that. | ||
| But if you look at like, if you look at bonobo chimpanzees, they are the closest to us as far as genetically. | ||
| Them and regular chimpanzees are the closest to the other primates. | ||
| Bonobos, they fuck the shit out of each other. | ||
| Everybody fucks everybody. | ||
| The only people that don't fuck is the mother doesn't fuck the son. | ||
| And I think that's it. | ||
| I think the men fuck their daughters, the females, they'll fuck sisters, they'll fuck everybody. | ||
| Everybody gets fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's weird, because you'd think it would be interesting to see, yeah, that monkey has molested this monkey, this monkey has molested that monkey. | |
| The one that got molested throws poop more, the other one has got a real job. | ||
| There's no one who gets out alive in the jungle. | ||
| Everybody's getting fucked. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| What it is is just a rampant fuck festival. | ||
| The bonobos, they settle all their arguments with fucking. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Gay sex, straight sex. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Everybody fucks everybody. | ||
| There's no monogamy at all. | ||
| And the really nutty thing is there's a giant leap between that and monogamous relationships that most people try to keep together in the human world. | ||
| As far as behaviorally, that's really kind of the antithesis of what the bonobos, our closest ancestors, do and how they get by. | ||
| They just fuck everybody and we just try to keep it together and only fuck one person. | ||
| It's kind of fascinating when you think about it. | ||
| But those crazy monkeys, they fuck everything, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bonobo squad. | |
| Yeah, I mean, we're trying to get past all that because we realize that it's a selfishness and that you should only be able to have sex with in our rationalization. | ||
| Someone who understands what sex is and someone who is an adult can make their own decisions. | ||
| That's how a normal culture handles it. | ||
| Even though they want it when they're younger and people become sexual when they're younger, we've decided that in order to keep society together, you can't just go around as a 40-year-old person banging 13-year-olds. | ||
| That's just crazy. | ||
| It doesn't matter if they have a period. | ||
| This shit's preposterous. | ||
| You haven't even given them a chance. | ||
| It's cheating. | ||
| It's shooting fish in a barrel. | ||
| It's molestation. | ||
| It doesn't matter if they like it. | ||
| We made some rational, smart decisions when it comes to that shit. | ||
| You know, I can't tell how old kids are. | ||
| You know, I can't fucking tell. | ||
| Sometimes you can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's one of the symptoms of cocaine. | |
| Like 16 and 17-year-olds, there's a lot of them that look like women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| That's what I'm about to say. | ||
| I'm in a light before coming up here. | ||
| You know, the school over here. | ||
| I'm in a light and kids are crossing. | ||
| There was a girl with shorts on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I remember that. | ||
| You know, you're in your car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really hard. | |
| You look over and she was crossing the street. | ||
| I'm thinking to myself. | ||
| I couldn't do something like that. | ||
| Of course you couldn't. | ||
| I can't even look at her. | ||
| I can't even look at this girl. | ||
| Of course you couldn't because you're a moral person and because you're an empathetic person. | ||
| Well, fucking morals. | ||
| I got no morals. | ||
| But to look at a young girl like that and go, Jesus Christ, how could somebody think? | ||
| Well, how old are these girls? | ||
| What are you looking at? | ||
| They had to be fucking high school. | ||
| Okay, so that's where it gets tricky. | ||
| When it's like 16, 17, they start looking like women and they're 5'9". | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's almost impossible. | |
| But even with the trick, a guy like you looks at them and I look at them and go, it wouldn't even be a conquest for me. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It would be an embarrassment for a guy like me now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But that's in the context of our culture. | ||
| In the context of your body, your body would want to fuck that girl, Joe Diaz. | ||
| If you were alone with her, and you and her were on an island, and she's cuddling up with you every night to sleep, and then she just reaches down your package and rubs your balls and starts kissing your ear, and your dick is hard like a goddamn crowbar, yeah, she might only be 17. But her pussy is dripping down her leg. | ||
| You touch her thigh, you feel it dripping. | ||
| You remember that when they were 17? | ||
| Remember that shit? | ||
| They would get so wet, they would gush. | ||
| Remember that shit? | ||
| Yeah, you'd fuck her. | ||
| Case closed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't judge. | |
| When I was 20, when I was about 20 and 19, I worked in an electrical supply house, Swift Electric. | ||
| We all took those warehouse jobs. | ||
| And the guy that had the warehouse had to be 48, and his girlfriend... | ||
| His wife had just turned 17, and he had been with her since she was 13. Weird. | ||
| And that was legal? | ||
| At the time, I guess it was legal. | ||
| He had been in trouble, but he got pregnant, so they had to stay together. | ||
| But he was a grown man dating a girl in high school. | ||
| She wasn't all there, and he wasn't all there. | ||
| I mean, obviously you could see it, but just the thought of him telling me, yeah, my wife is 17 or 18, I'm like... | ||
| He goes, we've been together for five years. | ||
| What? | ||
| Can you imagine picking a girl out when she was like 12 and they were just friends with her until she's 18 and then you start putting the moves on her? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's creepy to think about. | |
| Dude, there's some of them that their age of consent is really low. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, like 16. Is it Hawaii or something? | |
| I think it's Hawaii. | ||
| I think it's, well... | ||
| I'll have to figure this out. | ||
| Alright, here we go. | ||
| The lowest, it seems like, 15 is Colorado. | ||
|
unidentified
|
15. Jesus Christ. | |
| That can't be still real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You still want to move to New Jersey? | |
| That can't be real. | ||
| I don't know what year this is. | ||
| 1999. What's New Jersey, guys? | ||
| In 1999, what was Jersey? | ||
| In 1999, Jersey was... | ||
| By the way, that's pretty fascinating. | ||
| 16 and 18? | ||
| I guess 16, 18, it must mean boys, girls. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For boys, it's probably 16. For girls, it's 18. That's crazy. | |
| That's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| Or is it girl, boy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I would think boys would be younger. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Age 16, if the man is 21 or older, the girl has to be 16. If the female is over 12, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| 12? | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can marry a 12-year-old? | |
| Some of them, oh my god. | ||
| This is in 1999. Connecticut, 15. Colorado, 15. That means you could fuck a 15-year-old, man. | ||
| Just a few years ago. | ||
| Michigan, 16. Minnesota, 16. Wow. | ||
| Most of the country, by the way, is not 18. This is back in 1999. I already knew that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is crazy. | |
| The dude from Lost married that, whatever, 15 months. | ||
| Yeah, North Carolina 16, North Dakota 16. It all goes down to South Carolina 14. 14 in South Carolina, Myrtle Beach. | ||
| 14, 16. Wow, that's incredible. | ||
| You're fucking 40 years old. | ||
| That's probably what it is. | ||
| Girls 14. You're 40 years old and you're fucking a 16 year old. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What if she has like a lot of cheeseburgers and she's like way advanced for her age? | ||
| Still, what do you talk about, Joey? | ||
| You don't talk about anything. | ||
| You show them cartoons while you bang them from doggy style. | ||
| Don't do that, Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I just don't understand this. | ||
| No, you have to be... | ||
| It's animalistic, man. | ||
| It's natural to be attracted to a girl that has a great body, regardless of if she's 18 or 19 or, you know, some of them are 17. They look... | ||
| You remember, like, who was the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tracy Lourdes. | |
| Tracy Lourdes, when she first burst on the scene, she was, like, this really famous porn star because it turned out she did all these films. | ||
| She got, like, real famous, but she was underage. | ||
| She was, like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
14, 15. That's why Hunger Games is so popular. | |
| Everyone wants to eat that girl out. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| I haven't seen Hunger Games, so I don't know anything about it. | ||
| Don't say shit about it. | ||
| I don't want to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know anything about it. | |
| I went to see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it good? | |
| I heard it's really good. | ||
| That's why I don't want to hear shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doug Benson hated it. | |
| Doug Benson's a silly bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love him, but he's a silly bitch. | |
| We're in Louisville. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| We're in Duncan Trussell, Louisville, Kentucky. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Friday, Saturday, Sunday, boom, Sherlock luck, boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Wednesday. | |
| I'm tightening down for my special, which is April 20th in Atlanta at the Tabernacle. | ||
| Joe Diaz will be in the house, as always, every fucking show that I recorded ever since the beginning. | ||
| Joe Diaz has been a part of that shit. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So that's... | ||
| It's on 420 in Atlanta, and the first show is already sold out. | ||
| So the second show is about half sold out right now. | ||
| So get on that shit. | ||
| We're going to have a good time. | ||
| It's going to be fun. | ||
| And then I'm going to release it, Louis C.K. style. | ||
| Five bucks online, which you're doing, by the way, too, with a documentary. | ||
| You know what I'm doing, though? | ||
| I'm doing it on iTunes. | ||
| April 2nd is pre-sales, and then I'm releasing it Friday the 13th, the last scene. | ||
| And what is it? | ||
| It's either you or the priest. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then the documentary, I think I'm going to release it on Friday the 13th, too, because the graphic guy... | ||
| But I thought if you were the priest, it's already out. | ||
| It's out on payloads, but people want to buy it on iTunes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| People just want to buy it on iTunes. | ||
| There's people that just have iTunes accounts and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So you're going to put you or the priest on iTunes, and when will that be? | ||
| Friday the 13th. | ||
| Friday the 13th, and then... | ||
| The documentary, the graphic guy just called, and he says it's going to take him another week. | ||
| We could release it on the second as we planned, but now we'll just wait for the graphics. | ||
| Now, what is this documentary? | ||
| You know, man, I started making those Mad Flavor stupid fucking videos, you know, and I got great responses and it was funny what people wanted to see. | ||
| You mean the MMA ones? | ||
| No, just the ones with me going to the weed store, going acupuncture, and taking a shower with the cat, the cat that likes to get wet and shit, and just fucking around. | ||
| And people started emailing me shit that they thought would be interesting. | ||
| And I'm like, you can't give people what the fuck they want all the time. | ||
| But I really made sense. | ||
| They're like, we want to see what this Carmine guy looks like. | ||
| What does he look like? | ||
| Like my friend Carmine Balzano. | ||
| Does he really exist? | ||
| We want to see what lubes looks like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Does he really stutter? | ||
| And I started thinking about it and I went on Twitter and asked for donations and I got money. | ||
| I got a camera and a cameraman and we went to Jersey. | ||
| And I taped like my grandma's school, some of my fucked up buddies just to tell some stories. | ||
| And then that night when you see me, I did a one-man show to surround it so that would put the pieces together. | ||
| Oh, that sounds great. | ||
| Listen, bro, it's five bucks. | ||
| I don't even know if I'm going to charge for it. | ||
| It was just something I wanted to do just to let people know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds great. | |
| That sounds like a great idea. | ||
| What it really is, I wanted to show people that, you know, when my parents died, it seems like a really bad thing when you're a kid. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| It's a horrible thing. | ||
| But I was a fucking Spanish kid in this Italian-Irish community where nobody's more racist than fucking Italians. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They love throwing spick and nigger around and bignon and all this shit. | |
| I love it. | ||
| I got nothing against it. | ||
| But these people opened up their homes to me. | ||
| And then part of the reason when I was in that prison sitting there going, you know, now they won. | ||
| The people who hated me growing up, the ones that said I was just a junkie, they won. | ||
| There's a handful of people that fed me and took care of me and gave me clothes and never talked about it. | ||
| They bring me fucking food in a hotel. | ||
| So I just wanted to go show these people. | ||
| That's all I wanted to do. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I don't want to release this in Sundance. | ||
| Well, you got some great stories, man. | ||
| Your stories along with me and the actual people, that's guaranteed entertainment. | ||
| Yeah, you know, and it's nothing. | ||
| I'm not going to fucking release that Sundance. | ||
| I ain't no fucking whatever. | ||
| I just did this for these Twitter people. | ||
| We have such a great time on Twitter now and Facebook. | ||
| This is my morning. | ||
| From 6 to fucking 9, I'm up there playing music, calling them cocksuckers, and it enhances us. | ||
| It does. | ||
| We don't have fans. | ||
| This is a network. | ||
| Duncan and I talked about it on his podcast, Duncan Trussell Family Hour. | ||
| I did it the other day, and one of the things that he was talking about is how great it is now that essentially everybody that we're hanging around with, everybody is doing great. | ||
| Like, Ari is doing great on the road. | ||
| Duncan is doing great. | ||
| You're doing great. | ||
| Everything's doing great. | ||
| It's like, it's building now to the point where we can all, like, we all feel real good about everything. | ||
| And everything is, it's like, we really truly are, like, pumping each other up. | ||
| We really truly are bringing each other up with this. | ||
| Which is really an artist comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which is what the comedy store started doing. | ||
| We just kept taking it. | ||
| Listen, this week I'm in Miami and you're in Louisville. | ||
| There's nothing more in the world I wanted to do than was being in Louisville with you. | ||
| It's what we do. | ||
| We have so much fucking fun. | ||
| But it's cool to break it up a little bit every now and then, too. | ||
| But think about what's going on. | ||
| That squad is out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now you're in Louisville. | ||
| I'm in Kentucky. | ||
| Segura's in fucking Connecticut. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's that squad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that squad's out there. | ||
| We're clogging up the middle. | ||
| We're clogging up the hole. | ||
| We're in the middle of that fucking octagon. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| We're not against the fence no more. | ||
| We're in the middle of the fucking octagon. | ||
| Well, it's because of the podcast and because of the internet. | ||
| You know, the... | ||
| People have been looking for something that's a little bit more wild than the shit they're getting fed on radio and the shit they're getting fed on television. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that think like us. | ||
| They just don't have anybody else that's on the internet or that's in any form of media that's expressing things that they're feeling. | ||
| People are worried about their position, and they're worried about their reputation, and they're worried about not getting crazy or saying too many things, or let's not discuss that, or let's not discuss this. | ||
| When you get to a place where you can do something like this podcast and do it for a long time, those people really get to know who the fuck you are. | ||
| And you really can help each other. | ||
| They send you links. | ||
| They send you interesting shit. | ||
| They send you information. | ||
| They send you encouragement. | ||
| It pumps you up. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| When you get all those tweets from people who love you on the podcast, it feels great. | ||
| It's a nice pump you up. | ||
| You want to say thank you to as many of us as possible. | ||
| It's like this big ripple. | ||
| When I had the surgery, you know how many fucking people tweeted me paperwork, a meniscus repair, a knee repair? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many people offered me massages and come to Orange County and we'll do this for you and come to Santa Monica and we'll do this for you? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Some people, where are you going? | ||
| They were like, dog, where are you doing PT at? | ||
| I'll do it for free. | ||
| I don't want nobody to do nothing for free. | ||
| I'll pay you. | ||
| But just the thing that they weren't people. | ||
| Bro, how's your knee? | ||
| These people hit me up every day like, how's your knee? | ||
| My knee's fucking fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But Jesus Christ, how nice of you to ask. | |
| How nice of you to ask. | ||
| People sent me a workout. | ||
| There was a doctor that sent me a workout on Gmail. | ||
| He sent it to me in weeks, Joe. | ||
| He took time out of his fucking schedule from New York Institute of Reconstructive fucking Knee Surgery, okay? | ||
| That he listens to this podcast and follows me on Twitter or whatever. | ||
| He sent me four weeks in a row the exercises I had to do for that week at home to strengthen my knee. | ||
| And I did them. | ||
| He even fucking told me, go get a rubber band and tie it and use the rubber band. | ||
| I mean, this is a guy that's a doctor. | ||
| And every week on my Gmail account, every Monday I get the workout for the week. | ||
| So I was going to PT, but I was also doing his workout. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because that's what he specializes in. | ||
| Because he said that when you're 20 and when you're 45, your meniscus is different. | ||
| He doesn't want me falling into these exercises. | ||
| He wanted to strengthen the essential parts of the knee at that age. | ||
| He told me what vitamins to take. | ||
| I mean, this guy was great. | ||
| This is what we're a part of. | ||
| Yeah, that's very nice. | ||
| But on the other hand, how many people email you about comedy? | ||
| And say, I'm starting. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| And you fucking cut right through the chase. | ||
| You fucking tell them this is what it needs. | ||
| This is what we're doing. | ||
| People hit me all the time. | ||
| Dog, I'm doing this. | ||
| I gotta quit smoking dog because I'm gonna be a... | ||
| I gotta quit smoking weed because I'm gonna be a mailman. | ||
| Then quit smoking weed. | ||
| They're offering you a fucking job while you're being a knucklehead. | ||
| We're all helping each other out of here. | ||
| And the first time in my life, in my career, I'm having a fucking fun time. | ||
| I'm telling you, they call me for auditions now, and I'm like, go fuck yourself. | ||
| I do better on Twitter. | ||
| Suck my dick. | ||
| All I gotta do is put on Twitter. | ||
| I'm looking for an acting job. | ||
| Somebody will fucking hit me up. | ||
| Because half the people on your network are fucking writers from shows. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that. | ||
| They know! | ||
| They know! | ||
| So this Twitter is becoming something. | ||
| You know, in the 80s it was cocaine. | ||
| Now it's Twitter and Facebook. | ||
| You don't need that shit to be part of a social fucking network. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I definitely think that this is the best time ever to get your shit out there without having to rely on having a show or a network. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing! | |
| You don't need anybody anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the group of all of us together, like the loosely based group, I mean, Opie named us Death Squad because I came into the Opie and Anthony show once with Eddie Bravo, who's a jiu-jitsu black belt, and Tate Fletcher, who's a giant fucking gorilla, MMA fighter, and he's like, holy shit, Joe Rogan brought in the Death Squad. | ||
| And that sort of stuck and we started using it as a goof. | ||
| But having a loosely based group where we're all together just because we love each other and we're friends and we're all funny and we all work together and hang out together and pump each other up. | ||
| You become a part of something. | ||
| And as that part of something, I really feel like when I see that Duncan is on the road making great money and then Ari's selling out in this place and killing him in Vancouver. | ||
| I see all that. | ||
| It makes me feel great. | ||
| It makes me smile. | ||
| It makes me fired up. | ||
| I feel like, you know, as a group like that, when you have a whole bunch of people, the more everybody's doing well and the more everybody's happy and the more everybody's sort of progressing, it inspires you to do the same. | ||
| It inspires you to work hard. | ||
| It inspires you to continue to produce shit. | ||
| Get out there and bang your fucking sets out. | ||
| Write new shit, you know? | ||
| I'm always busy. | ||
| I always have something to do. | ||
| Ten years ago, I had nothing to do. | ||
| I always have something to do, because if I'm not doing anything, I write a one-man show about crime. | ||
| Last week, I did one about criminal stories. | ||
| A whole one-man show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I already have pages and pages of years of written-out shit on computers, just in different orders. | ||
| So when I write one of these shows, all I have to do is go back to that page and just write the shit out. | ||
| This is what I did for three years. | ||
| I just got high and wrote. | ||
| I didn't know what I was doing. | ||
| I didn't know about apostrophes or fucking... | ||
| How to spell there or there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| Like you forget all this shit. | ||
| You're in your. | ||
| Yeah, you forget all this shit. | ||
| But you just wanted to get the ideas out. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| Every comic has jokes and we have great jokes. | ||
| The longer you're in this, you become a better performer. | ||
| The thing that accentuates us is our lives and how we put it into our act. | ||
| And if you don't put your life into your acting, you're just a comedian. | ||
| And I didn't know that until one night I was listening to one of our friends on a Showtime special. | ||
| And he's one of our friends. | ||
| It's a weird, mid-comic from the store. | ||
| And he always just said jokes like I was doing for years. | ||
| I was in the other room. | ||
| And I heard him. | ||
| And I go, this is why I'm not successful. | ||
| Because I'm just doing jokes. | ||
| I'm not telling them about me. | ||
| What do I see with my eyes? | ||
| The world in my eyes by Depeche Mode is one of the greatest jams ever. | ||
| They just break it down. | ||
| It takes a while, though, to figure out what the fuck you are seeing. | ||
| What your message is. | ||
| You remember what it was like when you were 20 or 21? | ||
| You didn't have a fucking valid opinion on anything. | ||
| Brian is 37. He struggles with this. | ||
| Olive Garden, bitches. | ||
| That's my brother. | ||
| He already said it. | ||
| When did he say it? | ||
| He said it earlier. | ||
| He's talking about his friends lying about his friends texting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Playboy Amber is in Vegas and she asks, is there an Olive Garden in Vegas? | |
| I don't know who Playboy Amber is. | ||
| I assume that's one of your friends. | ||
| That's a beautiful name, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a beautiful girl. | |
| Shazam. | ||
| No, I'm very excited about this time. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's a fun time. | ||
| It's a great time to do shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have a show Wednesday. | |
| Yeah, Wednesday, our 200th episode, which is tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, tomorrow. | |
| At the Ice House. | ||
| And there's a show, 8 p.m. | ||
| show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's 10 p.m. | |
| 10 p.m. | ||
|
unidentified
|
show. | |
| 10 p.m. | ||
| show tomorrow at the Ice House. | ||
| And it's in the big room, which is still pretty small. | ||
| It's only 150 seats, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
200. Is it 200? | |
| I think so. | ||
| No way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
90 or 200, yeah. | |
| Whatever it is, it's awesome. | ||
| It's one of the best clubs in the world. | ||
| They just celebrated their 50th anniversary, if you can believe it or not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's one of the oldest ones, right? | |
| Yeah, I think it is. | ||
| It plays oozes character. | ||
| I mean, it's just been around forever. | ||
| It oozes it. | ||
| It's just a... | ||
| It's like a museum. | ||
| If you look around the walls and shit, there's all this really old headshots and old contracts and old album covers and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Social security numbers. | |
| Yeah, we looked at one of them and Brian goes, that's David Letterman's social security number. | ||
| And then we had to get the manager over here and go, you know, you could read his social security number. | ||
| I hope he didn't change his... | ||
| They put up his goddamn contract from 1976 or whatever the hell it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Paul? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, they whited it up. | ||
| I don't think they did. | ||
| Yeah, I think they whited it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think we read it. | |
| We read it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, they didn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They took down the picture immediately and then they whited it out. | |
| Yeah, but we... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're welcome, Dave. | |
| Yeah, Dave. | ||
| You might have just got lucky, Dave. | ||
| Could have been one of those things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, give me a three-minute spot on your show now. | |
| Do you really want to go up there and stutter in front of the world? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Are you a Letterman? | ||
| If you had to choose between one show, if you could go on one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kimmel. | |
| 100% Kimmel. | ||
| He's the hippest, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just the coolest guy, the nicest guy. | |
| Have you seen Kimmel's million, or it's movie, The Movie? | ||
| What? | ||
| Kimmel did this thing. | ||
| It's a short seven-minute video or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called Movie the Movie. | |
| It's a movie trailer about a fake movie. | ||
| But it has almost every single actor you can think of in the movie. | ||
| And it's so fucking great that now they're showing it in movie theaters before movies because it's so good. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, so if you go to YouTube and click Movie the Movie, I think Kimmel has his own YouTube page. | |
| But it's fucking brilliant. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| See, I'm a Letterman dude. | ||
| And I'll tell you why I'm a Letterman dude. | ||
| Because I remember 30 years ago when Letterman was fucking hip. | ||
| And how hip he was. | ||
| And how bad of a motherfucker. | ||
| Because he was going with the anti-guest. | ||
| And that's what nobody remembers. | ||
| And if you want to see a great performance, go to YouTube and click fucking Rick. | ||
| Fuck Rick Hicks on Letterman. | ||
| Rick Hicks did Letterman a bunch of times. | ||
| What's the black dude from Buffalo? | ||
| The singer, the one that died of crack and shit. | ||
| Rick James on Letterman. | ||
| Watch what comedy was. | ||
| Watch what human was when he went up there with a white suit on and he sang 69 times. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he would put his tongue out when he sat down, Letterman looked at him, he goes, that was quite a song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, is that on your Christmas album? | |
| That's when Letterman was the shit, Jack. | ||
| Then another time he brought it, you know how he brings in dogs? | ||
| He brought in a police dog from Kennedy Airport. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Right, he's like, show them what the dog is doing. | ||
| And then finally he goes, can I ask you a question? | ||
| Let's put this dog into the audience just to see if anybody's got drugs. | ||
| This is 20 fucking years ago. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So he was very hip. | ||
| It's just now he's old, and now people who go on there are selling shows. | ||
| It's not just about people going out and talking. | ||
| When Rick James got on, watched the interview. | ||
| He didn't promote nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he's just tired, man. | |
| Yeah, he's tired. | ||
| I can tell people get... | ||
| Dog, five days a week. | ||
| Five days a week, dirty fucking years. | ||
| You gotta be fresh. | ||
| You gotta look good. | ||
| You don't wanna perform too fucking bad. | ||
| Look at your contract, bitch. | ||
| Five shows a fucking week. | ||
| You know, look at Chelsea Handler. | ||
| What she's doing is rough. | ||
| You run out of shit sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, five days a week. | ||
| I mean, we only do this, the most we've ever done this is like four days in a row. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you guys got no writers. | |
| And I can see if we did that every day, it would feel like... | ||
| And we have no writers. | ||
| We don't have to sit down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And no commercial breaks. | |
| The thing about why I don't like Sign Night Live is, why I don't agree with Sign Night Live is because when you watch the end of it, look at how many writers they got. | ||
| So you got 40 writers for this shit? | ||
| I'd rather you have four and write a masterpiece. | ||
| You have 40 writers, and you're still doing jokes about, I got bit in the dick, and it looks like you're going to die? | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| 40 fucking writers. | ||
| This is why I don't get it. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| You got bit in the dick, is that a poison joke? | ||
| Remember that fucking joke that my uncle got bit in the dick by a snake, so he called a guy, and the doctor says, you got to suck it up. | ||
| And he hung up the phone, and he goes, what did he say? | ||
| It looks like you're going to die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The third grade joke. | ||
| I've seen that once on that fucking thing. | ||
| So you got 40 fucking writers. | ||
| You know how hard it is to do Letterman every day? | ||
| You got to look at topical shit. | ||
| You got to look at government shit. | ||
| I mean, that's a tough job. | ||
| If he does five shows a week, you know, sometimes he lucks out because you got a great guest. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| But what if somebody goes out there fucking punk or something like that? | ||
| You're going to save the show with animal tricks? | ||
| It's 11.30 at night. | ||
| Well, he's notoriously hard on himself, too. | ||
| He's one of those guys that after it's over, he gets angry and starts getting pissed. | ||
| That show sucked and really gets hard on himself. | ||
| We're comedians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We kill and we suck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How come when we kill, we go home and we can't fall asleep? | ||
| Well, sometimes it feels good, but most of the time there's like one thing that you're still struggling with, trying to put it in order. | ||
| Even if you had a great set where they give you a standing ovation, if you blubbed one joke, that one blub will fucking haunt you. | ||
| You forget, I've been with you backstage where you get off stage and you've killed. | ||
| And you look at Brian and you say, I forgot to do that joke. | ||
| We just killed! | ||
| But we forgot to do that fucking joke. | ||
| How hard are we on ourselves? | ||
| Motherfucker! | ||
| I wrote that all fucking night. | ||
| I killed him. | ||
| I had him. | ||
| And I fucking forgot the joke. | ||
| So you just killed him. | ||
| Somebody else would have been fucking happy. | ||
| Somebody else would have said, fuck the joke. | ||
| Not us three. | ||
| I go home now in that car ride on the way home. | ||
| I'm figuring out that set and why I said that. | ||
| How can I make it better? | ||
| And I got a pen and pencil in the fucking car now, a little notepad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which is worse than texting. | |
| Which is, by the way, another reason why you should get a fucking iPhone. | ||
| Because that voice memos from... | ||
| I got the fucking voice memo. | ||
| No, voice memo syncs up to your car. | ||
| I got it in the car too, yeah. | ||
| You go right off the stage and then boom, it starts playing your set. | ||
| Right on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's incredible. | |
| The only thing is I don't know when the fuck it's going to go. | ||
| So I put the pen and pencil right fucking next to me. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| We gotta rock this fucking, close this beach. | ||
| I love this motherfucker. | ||
| I love that you guys had to go to it. | ||
| Dude, you're the best. | ||
| You're the best, man. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| Thank you very much for having me on. | ||
| You have enriched my life considerably, Joe Diaz. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. | ||
| You are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are, man. | |
| Thank you for all the stakes you get me, motherfucker. | ||
| Listen, we've had some fucking great times together, man. | ||
| I ain't going nowhere. | ||
| That's the number of 20 fucking years here. | ||
| Of course you are. | ||
| Listen, I'm not guessing. | ||
| I think you being with us, and one of the reasons I'm really excited about you coming to Atlanta, is like we said, I never did it. | ||
| The first special I did, or the first CD I did, was in 1999. That's the only thing I've ever done without Joey Diaz. | ||
| But I was in the cover. | ||
| Yeah, he was in the cover. | ||
| I was in the cover. | ||
| He was in the cover naked. | ||
| I was in the middle of your CD. Usually somebody has a CD, they open it, it's a picture of them. | ||
| Hanging out, smoking a joint, drinking a beer. | ||
| No. | ||
| You put a picture of me with my nutsack out and my stomach right over it, which only a few people still have that picture. | ||
| I have a bunch of those, man. | ||
| If you still have that picture, we've got to sell those. | ||
| I have a bunch of those CDs. | ||
| I have those CDs. | ||
| I have a stack of them. | ||
| Yeah, we've got to sell those on the road because then they clap. | ||
| You can blow that up. | ||
| It's $147 on fucking Amazon, man. | ||
| You can't even get that CD anymore. | ||
| I gotta figure out a way to get it reprinted or something like that. | ||
| Reprint it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Just sell it digitally. | ||
| Just put it on YouTube. | ||
| Why don't I own it? | ||
| Warner Brothers owns it. | ||
| It was my first CD. It was a Warner Brothers CD. We'll talk to them. | ||
| Yeah, I would love to get it put on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Call Bugs Up. | |
| I have a stack of them in my closet, and that's about it. | ||
| But they're stupid expensive on Amazon, because you can't buy them new. | ||
| But that photo of you, yeah, I mean, I was a Joey Diaz fan from the fucking beginning. | ||
| We did that CD in 1999. That was the creepiest thing. | ||
| We took pictures with these creepy strippers. | ||
| Crazy strippers. | ||
| Their boyfriends were there puffing them up. | ||
| Yeah, it was real weird. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| In the main room. | ||
| We wanted to get girls that looked like they had been partying. | ||
| We didn't want the best looking girls. | ||
| We wanted girls that were pretty, but girls that were... | ||
| Had mileage. | ||
| Yeah, they had mileage on them. | ||
| We were looking for a certain look. | ||
| Like I wore a tie and a suit jacket. | ||
| The bitches they sent us, they looked like they got run over the fucking bus. | ||
| That one chick's pussy was flat like a... | ||
| Like a fucking, it was just flat. | ||
| It had no lump to it or nothing. | ||
| There was a lot of that going on there. | ||
| The boyfriends were the weirdest thing though. | ||
| When you get to that, that sort of a weird, there's a lot of dudes that like will find a girl that's like a stripper and they just like mooch off the girl. | ||
| But they get into their heads too. | ||
| Yeah, they get into their heads. | ||
| DB, I'm your confidence. | ||
| You've done this before. | ||
| Go out there and show them how beautiful. | ||
| Well, a lot of guys who are successful, they don't want their girlfriends out there rubbing their pussy on somebody's pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Amen, brother. | |
| Amen, son. | ||
| So a lot of it is girls who find guys that have to deal with that because the guys don't have any money. | ||
| So they have these weird relationships where the woman is the one who makes the money and the guy stays home and shit and carries their luggage when they go on the road with them and stuff. | ||
| Picks him up and he's security. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| How about motherfucking security and shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anyway, Miami bitches this weekend. | |
| Rogan's in Louisville, Kentucky. | ||
| Red man's at the Ice House running shit. | ||
| Ice House Wednesday. | ||
| Tomorrow, Wednesday night, 10 p.m. | ||
| Come on down, Pasadena. | ||
| This is going to be a fun fucking show, and it will be our 200th. | ||
| Podcast episode. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And if you don't make it Wednesday, we have one Friday. | |
| Also, just go to icehousecomedy.com. | ||
| But you won't be there because you'll be in Louisville checking me out, bitches, with Duncan Trussell at the Louisville Improv. | ||
| Holla at your boy Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. | ||
| Tickets available online. | ||
| Tickets from Miami, 305-441-8200. | ||
| Call right now, cocksuckers. | ||
| Mad Flavor on Twitter. | ||
| Follow him. | ||
| Follow Red Band on Twitter. | ||
| And my name is Joe Rogan. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the fleshlight, you can enter in the code name ROGAN and save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Thank them for being our first original sponsor here on the Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Thank you to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood. | ||
| All of them explained in great detail on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. First order of 30 pills, there is a 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| You don't even have to sell the pills back. | ||
| You just get your money back. | ||
| We don't want anybody to get ripped off. | ||
| And I will tell you with 100% honesty, this is all stuff that I take. | ||
| And I've taken it even before I ever started selling it. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| That's the end of this fucking episode. | ||
| I love you, Cox. | ||
| We love the shit out of you guys. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Thanks to everybody. | ||
| Thanks on Twitter and Facebook and all you delicious bitches. | ||
| And we will see you tomorrow with the great Duncan Trussell in another episode. | ||
| That will be number 200. Oh, shit. | ||
| And then the big show. | ||
| Congrats. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love you. |
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