March 19, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:26:27
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| I gotta find a new way to say that, Brian. | ||
| I can't keep saying it that way. | ||
| The Fleshlight is our sponsor. | ||
| Okay, this is the deal, folks. | ||
| It's been very controversial, but they've been with us since the beginning. | ||
| And we are anything if loyal. | ||
| Or loyal if anything? | ||
| Loyal if anything. | ||
| We're loyal people. | ||
| They've always been our sponsor, and even though it's a controversial subject, Brian and I both feel the controversy is very silly. | ||
| What's the controversy? | ||
| The controversy is being sponsored. | ||
| That's ours for you, ladies and gentlemen, rthegreat.com. | ||
| It's being sponsored by a sex toy. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| But half the show is nonsense. | ||
| This show, we're talking about sex toys. | ||
| We're talking about nonsense. | ||
| It's not like there's this noble content that's continuously being brought up on this show, and it doesn't deserve to be associated with something like A masturbation aid. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Everybody masturbates. | ||
| Who fucking cares? | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| To me, I will never give it up. | ||
| I won't give up the fleshlight. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You're ridiculous. | ||
| They're paying us. | ||
| They've always paid us. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with what they're doing. | ||
| If you think there's something wrong with what they're doing, you're crazy. | ||
| If you don't want to be associated with them, good. | ||
| That means you're a silly person. | ||
| You're a silly person. | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| When people bring up arguments like that, I'm always like, oh, let's not even talk. | ||
| Are we really pretending that we don't masturbate? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why would you not? | ||
| You silly person. | ||
| Have you ever pretended to masturbate? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you? | ||
| Pretended? | ||
| Not really for a movie? | ||
| Who are you trying to fool? | ||
| Brian, do you remember that time you were going to do that fucking movie and I talked you out of doing it, man? | ||
| What movie? | ||
| I was going to do a film where they tied him up in a trunk of a car with his girlfriend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, yo, you don't want to have those videos out there, first of all, for people to get excited about. | ||
| Tied them up in the trunk and then what? | ||
| It's a very specific type of porn. | ||
| It's like they want to see people that are kidnapped and they want to see people that are completely... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They have fantasies of kidnapping people that they don't like, maybe, and they don't really go through with it, but they want to kidnap this guy and fuck his wife in front of him, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that feel like that. | ||
| Was it going to be a fuck film with you? | ||
| Well, don't you think if that's true, Michael C. Hall is somewhere like shivering, crying, hiding, you know, the guy that played Dexter or somebody like that, you know, all these people that are serial killers or... | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Don't you think that they're all... | |
| You do have to think about that. | ||
| That is a legit concern. | ||
| I mean, look, I'm not in any form or any way trying to say that we should have any kind of censorship in this world, but the reality is there's people that watch a show like Dexter and say, I would like to do that too. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Have you seen my Twitter avatar? | ||
| A guy in Canada got arrested for doing the exact same thing. | ||
| It's a fucking three's company too, or whatever her name was. | ||
| Even filming the guy, even filming the people, and doing it completely Dexter style. | ||
| Oh, they tried to copy it? | ||
| Oh, he did do it. | ||
| He was inspired by Dexter, so he went out and killed a bunch of people. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he tried to kill some bad people. | ||
| Have you seen my Twitter avatar? | ||
| No, what's your Twitter avatar? | ||
| You would probably get really mad at me if you saw my Twitter avatar. | ||
| Brian, were they going to make you fuck in this thing? | ||
| What? | ||
| Were they going to make you fuck in this thing? | ||
| Or was it just a film? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They were just going to kidnap us and tie us up. | ||
| Who's going to do it for money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's acting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen that picture before. | ||
| Yeah, my heart's torn out. | ||
| That's like gory. | ||
| There's blood dripping on my face. | ||
| You don't think I've seen that? | ||
| That should have been in your picture forever. | ||
|
unidentified
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I know. | |
| Yeah, it's gross. | ||
| You should be careful with those things. | ||
| I mean, look, it is what it is. | ||
| You're expressing yourself. | ||
| If you feel the need to express yourself getting murdered, go ahead. | ||
| But I think there's a little something creepy about putting out videos of you getting tied up in your fucking trunk. | ||
| 99.9% of the people, you're absolutely right. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| It's not going to trigger anything weird. | ||
| But there's that one-tenth of one percent that just sees that and just thinks, I would like to fucking do that to him. | ||
| Yeah, well, I'm glad you talked me out of it so I could torture my fleshlight. | ||
| That was also that guy that wanted to kill the president because of the taxi driver. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But you can't really worry too much about crazy people. | ||
| Anyway, folks, fleshlight's a hell of a product. | ||
| Torture your fleshlight. | ||
| Fucking strangle that bitch before you fuck it. | ||
| That was the best fleshlight commercial ever. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Fleshlight link, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off. | ||
| How's that? | ||
| Fleshlights don't have hearts. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| Yeah, but don't be mean to them. | ||
|
unidentified
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You can fuck it always. | |
| It's a spiritual thing. | ||
| Do you think it's people that are mean to them and that's what they get off on? | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Like punching it? | ||
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| The most important thing is we are much more concerned with not having a bunch of people that feel like they got ripped off. | ||
| Much more concerned with that than with making money. | ||
| And it's all products that I use and I believe in. | ||
| I've been a fan of nootropics and vitamins and minerals for a long time. | ||
| And if you're interested in nootropics, it's N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C-S. And they're essentially nutrients that stimulate brain function. | ||
| They stimulate your neurotransmitters. | ||
| It's It's all fascinating stuff. | ||
| And it's very controversial, but I've been a big supporter of it for a while. | ||
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| Go check out Nootropics. | ||
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| All right, freaks. | ||
| Ari the Great is here. | ||
|
unidentified
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All right. | |
| My pal, Ari Shafir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Ready to break shit down. | ||
|
unidentified
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During my day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | |
| All day. | ||
| That was one of the greatest moments in my life. | ||
|
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That was the coolest shit ever when he did that. | |
| In the middle of the fucking octagon when he said that, I was like, wow, we just got the best commercial of all time. | ||
| Nick Diaz throws his arms up in the air. | ||
| Somebody got mad at me on Twitter recently for going against the suspension. | ||
| We're talking ill of it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, if folks don't know, Nick Diaz got suspended or he's in the process of a hearing right now about his use of marijuana. | ||
| He only tested positive for the metabolites in his system. | ||
| And I guess what his lawyer is arguing is that metabolites aren't illegal and that the marijuana is illegal. | ||
| And you're not allowed to have marijuana in your system, but you don't even have a law for metabolites. | ||
| Oh, I thought it was like metabolites are only remnants. | ||
| And the last time he was smoking when he got those remnants was when he was legally smoking by the state of California. | ||
| The metabolite that actually was in his system is an inert metabolite. | ||
| The metabolite that he tested positive for is not psychoactive. | ||
| So the only thing that he tested positive for was a non-psychoactive cannabinoid. | ||
| There's, you know, I don't know how many cannabinoids. | ||
| I shouldn't talk about this until I talk to Todd McCormick. | ||
| Why don't they just let him smoke pot though? | ||
| It's like it's not a performance enhancing drug and it doesn't hurt the person. | ||
| I get in this argument with people. | ||
| I get in this argument with people and a lot of people have been angry at me about this because I said that I think marijuana is a performance enhancing drug. | ||
| And it is if you're good. | ||
| It is if you're good with pot and it is if you're good with the martial arts. | ||
| It is enhancing. | ||
| It's not necessarily enhancing. | ||
| You could give it to one guy and his emotions and his nerves and everything just because of the fact that he's about to enter into a cage fight. | ||
| It might overwhelm him and he might just lose his shit. | ||
| But you could give it to... | ||
| I guarantee you could give some weed to BJ Penn and he'd go out and fuck people up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| B.J. Penn, I don't think he would have any problem with it. | ||
| He's an OG. You know what I mean? | ||
| He's a veteran. | ||
| So you think he'd be better? | ||
| I think the jujitsu, those guys never roll sober. | ||
| You've got to understand, there's a lot of these guys, like high-level guys. | ||
| So they just try to get back in the same place? | ||
| I don't want to name any names because some people don't like people talking about it. | ||
| So I'm going to tell you, but... | ||
| High-level jiu-jitsu guys that you've heard of in videos and everybody mimics them with their own game. | ||
| A lot of those guys smoke weed. | ||
|
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A lot. | |
| It's a big percentage. | ||
| And they smoke weed and train. | ||
| And look, I always go back to Eddie Bravo because he's my best friend, but he's also one of the best jiu-jitsu instructors in the world. | ||
| And I've never seen Eddie do jiu-jitsu when he wasn't high. | ||
| Sometimes he gets so high he can barely teach and he's like, I don't know where I was going. | ||
| But he'll tell you. | ||
| He'll tell you that it enhances him. | ||
| He'll tell you that it enhances his sensitivity. | ||
| It puts you in the flow better. | ||
| It lets you... | ||
| Okay, but so does, let's just say, vitamin B or whatever else you take. | ||
| Oh no, they're very different though. | ||
| Vitamin B is very good as far as your body's ability to perform, yes. | ||
| But not as far as being able to change your state. | ||
| The thing about marijuana is it's so euphoric, and it's so mind-expanding, and what it does when you have the feeling, and this, by the way, is not for everybody. | ||
| Obviously, everybody's brain works in different ways, but with my personal experience, I get this wave of understanding when I get high. | ||
| And that prepares me for things, man. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I like to get high before I do big, giant shows. | ||
| Yeah, it slows everything down for me. | ||
| I play poker tournaments high. | ||
| Yeah, pool is fantastic high. | ||
| I play a ball better when I'm high. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's another thing you'll say. | ||
| At a tournament, you'll see all the poker pros, you know, running to their car as it breaks. | ||
| Yeah, marijuana is an enhancer. | ||
| It is an enhancer. | ||
| It just is. | ||
| Do you think it affects your judgment, though, to do stuff? | ||
| Like in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Like, I mean, you watch a movie Stoned, and you might think it's awesome. | ||
| The next day, you think it sucks. | ||
| If you're doing jujitsu with somebody or MMA, maybe you would do something you normally wouldn't do because you're thinking something different, you know? | ||
| Well, you could, but that could lead... | ||
| See, what you're saying is that you would make a big mistake. | ||
| Not a big mistake. | ||
| You just do something that you normally wouldn't do. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Well, that would be a positive, though, a lot of the times. | ||
| As long as you're good. | ||
| Again, as long as you're good. | ||
| Because if you're a good jujitsu player, if you're a good grappler, you have a fundamental understanding of where you're supposed to put yourself, where you're in danger, where you're not in danger, what can be done. | ||
| All these moves tie into each other. | ||
| When you learn how to do butterfly hooks, Butterfly hooks, you know, you learn how to manipulate people's bodies. | ||
| That all of a sudden becomes a way to move people around, just like with your hands. | ||
| And that adds to all these other techniques that you do. | ||
| So there's literally a limitless number of moves and positions. | ||
| I mean, there's so many different variations, so many different counters to those variations. | ||
| As long as you have a deep understanding of positions, and as long as you have a deep understanding of what's dangerous and what's not, you're not going to usually put yourself in a bad spot. | ||
| I mean, occasionally, if you're training with friends, you'll say, can I do this? | ||
| Let me just try to do this. | ||
| Because you won't worry if you get mounted or something like that. | ||
| You're not in a competition where it's for your life. | ||
| Whereas if you were in a fight, you wouldn't try this position. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think that's where a lot of new moves come from. | ||
| Yeah, because it helps you with stand-up where it helps you riff a little more. | ||
| Like, let me try this. | ||
| But that can also lead you to a bad place where you're like, oop, that went nowhere. | ||
| You can fuck up, man. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| We both do it all the time. | ||
| I mean, I did it this past weekend a couple of times. | ||
| It's like two out of three fuck-ups. | ||
| It's like plenty of like... | ||
| Well, when you're doing new shit, especially, like at the Ice House, I did a lot of new shit this weekend, and I'm preparing for this special in Atlanta, which, by the way, if you go to my Twitter feed or go to JoeRogan.net, there's a link for it. | ||
| We're at the Tabernacle on 420, and I'm going to be filming my special. | ||
| Did you already sell it one show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The first show's gone, and then the second one's selling fast. | ||
| So if you want to get in, I would love to have you guys come down. | ||
| It's going to be a lot of fun. | ||
| It's going to be crazy. | ||
| I'm psyched to do it in Atlanta, too, because I haven't been in Atlanta in a long time. | ||
| What is a tabernacle? | ||
| Brian, it's in the video! | ||
| What is the Terran... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Like, what is... | ||
| Is that like an ink? | ||
| Is that like a nut? | ||
| Because everyone acts like that. | ||
| Everyone knows what one of those is. | ||
| I've never heard of one. | ||
| It's just a name. | ||
| Tabernacle? | ||
| Tabernacle. | ||
| Well, that's always like the Tabernacle Choir. | ||
| Yeah, it's a nice name for something. | ||
| For what? | ||
| You know, it's like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I should... | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| Look it up. | ||
| What is Tabernacle? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I feel like I'm stupid for not knowing what it is. | ||
| Yeah, if you told me it was the Tabernacle Buffet, I would say, wow, it must be. | ||
| An excellent buffet. | ||
| I'm sure it's like... | ||
| That buffet is regal as fuck. | ||
| It's like Rolls Royce or something, you know? | ||
| It's like some name. | ||
| Tabernacle? | ||
| Tabernacle, Wikipedia. | ||
| Residence or dwelling place? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The tabernacle. | ||
| It's Hebrew, bro. | ||
| That's why I don't... | ||
| It's English. | ||
| It's your people, man. | ||
| How the fuck do you not know this? | ||
| Yeah, well, that's what I mean. | ||
| The tabernacle is a residence or a dwelling place according to the Hebrew Torah Old Testament. | ||
| See, it just sounds annoying. | ||
| Well, I don't know how that got to Atlanta. | ||
| Is there a lot of Jews in Atlanta? | ||
| No. | ||
| Christians started using it? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| Maybe that was the English translation for a hut. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| So, it's just a house. | ||
| It's just like a super fancy way to say house. | ||
| Tabernacle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I've never known what that word meant. | ||
| So that's where we're at. | ||
| Tabernacle. | ||
| And it's on 420, which is just so silly. | ||
| We had to do it. | ||
| Oh, it's perfect. | ||
| It's so silly we had to do it. | ||
| When you told me you were thinking about it, I was like, no, dude, let's probably just do that. | ||
| No, it costs us extra money to do it this way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, everybody else wanted to do it the next month. | ||
| But I was like, you know what? | ||
| It's 420. It's just so silly. | ||
| Let's just get in there. | ||
| Just get in and film it on 420? | ||
| It's just so perfectly goofy. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I love how Doug Benson does his 420 shows at 420 in the afternoon. | ||
| Because look, yes, it's preposterous, it's silly, it's ridiculous, but he's cut out everybody but his hardcore fans. | ||
| He's showing up at 420 in the afternoon on a Sunday to watch. | ||
| There aren't casual Doug Benson fans showing. | ||
| Do you guys ever have a screen name that had the 420 in it? | ||
| No. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
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You did? | |
| Clearly you did. | ||
| Did you ever have one that had 69 in it? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I definitely had Red Band 420 back in the day. | ||
| 2012, bro! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I never did. | ||
| AOL or something. | ||
| Wait, let me ask you a question, though. | ||
| Ah, fuck it. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| No, ask. | ||
| Why should something, if it just enhances yourself, why should certain those things be banned? | ||
| Okay, back to the weed being an enhancer. | ||
| Well, it's all in, what does it, you know, look, the reality is everything you take is a performance enhancer, from vitamins to minerals to a good diet. | ||
| Isn't it just what's harmful for your body? | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| That's what they try to outlaw? | ||
| No. | ||
| What they're trying to do is they're trying to stop low-level physical engineering. | ||
| And that's what steroids are. | ||
| It's low-level. | ||
| It's inevitable that they're going to come out with nanobots. | ||
| It's inevitable they're going to have the ability to literally change your genome. | ||
| It's inevitable. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
|
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The doctor in Star Trek, Deep Space Nine, he was all genome dead, right? | |
| Yeah, he could have bullseyes every time. | ||
| It might not be in our lifetime. | ||
| I mean, it might be in another lifetime after us, but sometime, if you look, as long as we don't blow ourselves up or get hit by a fucking asteroid, we're going to make things better. | ||
| There's not a technological wall they're going to hit. | ||
| These fucking guys are coming up with incredible discoveries. | ||
| And these incredible discoveries actually make those other incredible discoveries easier. | ||
| All the technology essentially works together as far as computer processing power and as far as knowledge gained and learned and you build on that. | ||
| Instead of having to redo those experiments to get to a certain point, you're already far, far along the process. | ||
| And then these new minds just add to it. | ||
| They're gonna figure out a way to do something that's way crazier than steroids. | ||
| They're gonna figure out a way to make Dr. Manhattans. | ||
| They're gonna figure out a way to make giant blue dudes with giant blue dicks. | ||
| I mean, it's gonna be real. | ||
| It's gonna be unstoppable. | ||
| Once it becomes an actual technology... | ||
| Once they get over the morals of it. | ||
| Then it's only a matter of time. | ||
| Is it 100 years? | ||
| Is it 200 years? | ||
| We'll breed workers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll breed workers? | ||
| We will be unrecognizable 200 years from now. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| As long as we stay alive. | ||
| And keep cloning and getting more and more stuff. | ||
| We're trying really hard to fuck it up. | ||
| We're trying really hard to eat every fish in the fucking ocean and then throw all of our shit in there and plastic. | ||
| People live longer. | ||
| They accomplish more things. | ||
| Yeah, but we're still trying to fuck up the ocean. | ||
| We're going to overcrowd this place. | ||
| Yeah, that's an issue. | ||
| They say you can produce enough food in one state of the country. | ||
| If you take North Carolina, if you filled North Carolina with farms, you could produce enough food to feed the whole world. | ||
| But I say, fuck you. | ||
| I say, you're crazy. | ||
| I think your calculations suck dick. | ||
| They're way off. | ||
| Yeah, you could barely have people scratch by. | ||
| And North Carolina's not that big, stupid. | ||
| And by the way, those people are just going to make more people. | ||
| And then what are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to move into South Carolina? | ||
|
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Could you really keep everyone in the world with... | |
| That's assuming there was like a line up to the door of North Carolina. | ||
| Right now I think we're okay and we'll probably be okay for another generation. | ||
| But we're eventually going to reach a point in time where there's too many people. | ||
| I mean, we're okay here in America. | ||
| They're certainly not okay in other parts of the world. | ||
| Population bomb. | ||
| Population explosion. | ||
| Rachel Carson and her husband wrote books about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's the number one problem for our population. | ||
| It's when it explodes and can't sustain itself. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it has to. | ||
| It reproduces exponentially instead of geometrically, so it's not like two this year, two more next year, two more. | ||
| It's like two, then five, then nine, then 20. It just keeps going. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| So it'll be the last minute. | ||
| I'll just go, and we'll just fill this place up, and we'll all just humongous plague. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a real issue, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you stop that? | ||
| Rain is going to come. | ||
| You know, you got to wonder. | ||
| You got to wonder if, you know, human population has like a number, like a cap that you have to keep it at. | ||
| I think that's what AIDS is. | ||
| Really? | ||
| AIDS, the plague. | ||
| It's all just nature's way of trying to fight it. | ||
| Well, how come there's less plague today then? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| There's way more people. | ||
| Way more people, but way less plague. | ||
| I think things come up because of it. | ||
| Well, I think sort of, but we combat that with science. | ||
| Yeah, we're outdoing nature's way of combating it. | ||
| Yeah, well, we're greedy bitches. | ||
| Like your body can fight off certain diseases when it's presented with too many coughs. | ||
| It's like, I'm out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's all my blood cells are gone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder what I mean. | ||
| Somebody actually brought that argument up recently. | ||
| I forget where it was. | ||
| But the idea was that a virus was actually engineered. | ||
| That viruses engineered by nature to attack humans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Keep us off. | ||
|
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Isn't that fucked up? | |
| I think we just have a thousand words. | ||
| That's all we got left. | ||
| A thousand words? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Eddie Murphy movie? | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| When are you going to stop making bad movies? | ||
| Do they have enough money? | ||
| Doesn't he have enough money? | ||
| Another 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, too. | ||
|
unidentified
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Last I checked. | |
| You can just not make any movies if you want. | ||
| You have enough money. | ||
| It can't be about the money. | ||
| It can't be. | ||
| Go back to comedy. | ||
| But that guy was hilarious. | ||
| So, like, I know he can do that. | ||
| He has moments. | ||
| We gotta get him on weed. | ||
| We gotta find him. | ||
| He has to already be on weed. | ||
| He doesn't smoke pot. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| His brother does. | ||
| Charlie smokes weed. | ||
| I never smoked with Eddie. | ||
| He must have tried it. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| His brother did. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| Why do we think he didn't? | ||
| Charlie Murphy gets high as fuck. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he gets high. | ||
| He smokes blunts. | ||
| He smokes those ones with the tobacco on the outside. | ||
| We got high. | ||
| That was a totally different high. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That's a weird high, man. | ||
| What tobacco makes that? | ||
| Well, the tobacco's not mixed in. | ||
| It's the leaf. | ||
| Okay, that's not bad. | ||
| Which, by the way, yeah, it is bad. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| You're not supposed to smoke cigar leaves. | ||
| You just inhale, you puff those. | ||
| Oh, but they're smoking them. | ||
| But they're inhaling them. | ||
| So they're taking these cigar leaves that you're not supposed to be inhaling in the first place. | ||
| And they're inhaling them with their weed. | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| I'm like, this is not the way to do it, man. | ||
| You know, they like to do those real Philly blunts where you take the Phillies. | ||
| They like to get fucked up. | ||
| They're like, give me the worst shit. | ||
| Just fuck me up. | ||
| Phillies are disgusting. | ||
| The idea that you would take one of those shitty cigars, those shitty grandpa cigars, and actually inhale it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like Tiramisu. | |
| You can't have it once in a while. | ||
| You don't do it every day. | ||
| I had a couple cigars before that were like sweetened cigars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you ever had those before? | ||
| Swisher Sweets. | ||
| Swisher Sweets, yeah. | ||
| What was the grandpa version of that? | ||
| The grape ones are good too. | ||
| You get a nice buzz off a cigar. | ||
| That's what people don't know. | ||
| You know, a lot of people don't know. | ||
| You can get just as high off a good cigar as you can off shitty weed. | ||
| My first cigarette, I finally smoked like once every few weeks. | ||
| You know, like when I was in college or when I just started, it was like, when you have one, it's like, whoa, it's a major buzz. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, the real, a deep tobacco buzz, like especially real tobacco, like cigar tobacco, it's nice. | ||
| It's a nice feeling. | ||
| I mean, those dudes aren't doing that just because it looks cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, they're getting high. | ||
| They're getting high from that tobacco. | ||
| It's a weird high. | ||
| They're getting nasty. | ||
| The Sklar Brothers, I used to smoke before I played basketball outside on the courts, and I got picked up once, and they're like, all right, come on, we're starting. | ||
| I had to, like, take my last few puffs off a cigarette. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I forget if it was Randy or Jason, but one of them was like, Ari, you have to quit smoking. | ||
| I was like, I know, I know. | ||
| They're like, it's bad for your health. | ||
| I'm like, I know. | ||
| And they're like, it makes you stink. | ||
| I'm like, I know, I know. | ||
| And they're like, it's not cool. | ||
| I'm like, well, that's where you're wrong. | ||
| Clearly it's cool. | ||
| That's the only reason anyone has ever started smoking. | ||
| It's cool? | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| How's it cool? | ||
| Cool people, that's just always been a cool thing. | ||
| It's been an I don't give a fuck thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that's the reason why people smoke cigarettes is because they don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| You know, you see a private investigator in a movie and he's taking a drag off his cigarette. | ||
| That guy doesn't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's not even, you know, he's feeding his own monster. | ||
| Feeding his own monster with a cigarette. | ||
| It's funny when you see actors smoke cigarettes. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| Because you never see them in movies do it, but it's only when they're off. | ||
| I see a lot of them on set. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You see them stamp out, and I'm trying to quit, and they're always trying to quit. | ||
| Puffing the little set. | ||
| They just go until you're ready to quit, and then quit. | ||
| One or the other. | ||
| The best is when you're on a set and everybody's high. | ||
| When you get on one of those sets, where everybody's high, all the writers are high, the actors are getting high, the director's high. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Those are the real movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Me and Renazisi did those Tiger Woods commercials. | ||
| And so then he left and we had to keep talking trash to ourselves as we played the video game. | ||
| And they were like, want some beers? | ||
| We're like, okay. | ||
| And they just started giving us beers, the production company. | ||
| And they're like, keep talking trash, whatever. | ||
| And they're like, want to smoke some pot? | ||
| And we're like, you better not. | ||
| We're not going to get any work done if you do that. | ||
| But this is very cool of you guys. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, if you're with a good group of people, man. | ||
| They want to have fun. | ||
| That's the way to have fun. | ||
| I mean, think about how we do the podcast. | ||
| You know, we get high before every single one of them. | ||
| We're always doing the ice houses drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I brought a bottle of wine last night. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| You're classy. | ||
| I brought a bottle of wine. | ||
| We're drinking wine out of plastic cups. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| It's fucking great, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| It's decent wine. | ||
| At Cavaretta's. | ||
| Cavaretta's Deli in Canoga Park. | ||
| That Italian place. | ||
| Holy shit, is that place good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I picked up a bottle of wine and some sandwiches. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| It's the only place here on the West Coast where you can get real East Coast Italian food. | ||
| Cavaretta's? | ||
| Cavaretta's, yeah. | ||
| It's in Canoga Park. | ||
| Sandwiches are amazing. | ||
| What's Canoga Park? | ||
| They have a sausage and pepper sub that I cannot not get. | ||
| I have to get it every time. | ||
| I always say, well, I'm going to experiment this time. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I've got to get this sausage and pepper because it's so ridiculous. | ||
| To eat a whole one, you have to be some kind of massive. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's preposterous. | ||
| You have to be some crazed glutton to eat a whole one. | ||
| I have eaten a whole one before. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure you have. | ||
| You're an animal. | ||
| When we took Joey? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen you at Greasy Tony's or whatever those places were where you got the garbage pail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
| And I almost got the small. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Garbage pail. | |
| It was way too much for me. | ||
| And you're just killing yours. | ||
| I'm like, fries please. | ||
| What? | ||
| That sub was dangerous. | ||
| The Greasy Tony's? | ||
| Yeah, Greasy. | ||
| That was like liquid death. | ||
| Greasy Tony died of heart failure at 52. I know. | ||
| I'm glad I only had like seven of those. | ||
| I think he was in his 60s. | ||
| I think he was in his 60s. | ||
| He might have actually even been 70. He actually looked good for his age. | ||
| He looked a lot younger than he was. | ||
| But yeah, he did die of heart failure. | ||
| What if he was like 24? | ||
| When a guy named Greasy Tony dies of heart failure... | ||
| But I tell you what, man, I always loved being around that guy. | ||
| We got pictures for years. | ||
| Yeah, he was so nice. | ||
| This was in Tempe, Arizona, right across the street from the Improv. | ||
| There was this 24-hour Italian joint run by this guy from Jersey, and he was a great old character. | ||
| We would just hang out there after the shows. | ||
| He was so cool to be around, just to get to hang out with a real character like that guy. | ||
| You know, like, you look in the walls, it was all, like, his pictures when he was young. | ||
| Like, his sons are all flexing. | ||
| There's a picture of the godfather, a picture of the sign by Sylvester Stallone. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| Where are you? | ||
| It's so classic, old East Coast Italian. | ||
| And you realize, like, yeah. | ||
| And he was so friendly. | ||
| He was, like, such a nice guy that, like, you would go there. | ||
| It was, like, you know, like going over your friend's living room or something. | ||
| It just happened to be... | ||
| Hey, look at the back. | ||
| Hey, look at the back. | ||
| Comes up behind the counter. | ||
| He's hugging you and shit. | ||
| Greasy Tony was awesome. | ||
| What a great guy. | ||
| And the food was fucking perfect. | ||
| When you're hammered and you're coming off of two shows at the Tempe Improv, and you're like, yeah, let's go eat, and you have one of those subs, those fucking steak subs that he had, the thing called the garbage pail that you were talking about, what does it weigh? | ||
| Four pounds? | ||
| Five pounds? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was gross. | |
| And it was just dripped grease. | ||
| It was like no bullshit. | ||
| It was close to two feet long. | ||
| Let me soak this in oil before you eat it too. | ||
| It was... | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| It was at least 18 inches long. | ||
| They were fucking huge. | ||
| They would cut them in half and each one of them, each half would look like a big sub. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, this is too much. | ||
| This half is too much for me. | ||
| And I would eat the fuck out of that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| It was like the leg of Esther. | ||
| That's pretty much what it was like. | ||
| Whenever we order food at a restaurant, you go first, and then the waitress is like, all right, thank you, and she starts to leave, and you're like, no, no, no, no, that's just for me. | ||
| You're what my friends want. | ||
| After shows, man, I get famished. | ||
| I get famished after shows. | ||
| You know, you think about the energy that you put out when you're on stage, you know, just focusing and managing everything. | ||
| It's a lot of mental energy, physical energy, moving around. | ||
| It's a lot of energy. | ||
| You know, it's a big burn. | ||
| There's a lot going on. | ||
| You have to be in shape to do stand-up, to do it right. | ||
| I mean, you could do it if you were out of shape, but I guarantee you, you'd be better if you were in shape. | ||
| I mean, a guy like Ralphie, how much better would Ralphie may be if he weighed 180 pounds? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, his timing, the way his brain would work, the way his body would move, you know, it's amazing when I see a guy like Ralphie. | ||
| He could definitely be a lot more physical. | ||
| Think about how many goddamn shows he does. | ||
| How much energy that is. | ||
| That's incredible what Ralph does. | ||
| He said he dropped two pant sizes. | ||
| That's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a good pair. | |
| Well, he had some serious health issues, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He stopped smoking weed. | ||
| He said the doctor told him to stop smoking weed. | ||
| I don't know if he stopped eating it. | ||
| No, he stopped eating it too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He said the stuff in there. | ||
| Say goodbye to all that funny shit. | ||
| He doesn't mind if you smoke around him. | ||
| But yeah, his immune system's all shot to hell. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He was... | ||
| Obviously, you cannot get that big. | ||
| Ralphie's... | ||
| If you don't know Ralphie May, he's probably about 500 pounds at least, right? | ||
| He's the sweetest guy in the world. | ||
| He's so sweet. | ||
| I'm so worried about him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does he sound the same? | |
| We all worry about him. | ||
| Well, as he loses weight, his voice will change, for sure. | ||
| He's going to start having a British accent. | ||
| He'll sound royal. | ||
| So, you still smoking the weed, Joe? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what makes someone get that big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would be out of my... | |
| Out of school to talk about it. | ||
| I don't know if it's biological. | ||
| It seems to me that it's a very recent phenomenon in human history. | ||
| Did it get that big? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think people got that big a couple hundred years ago. | ||
| I think Big J is losing weight now. | ||
| He got Patrice Dout. | ||
| Who's Big J? Big J Ockerson. | ||
| He's just a really funny New York comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| He was like massive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's losing weight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| After Patrice died, it's the same thing. | ||
| It's like, wake up calls, everybody. | ||
| Yeah, you know, it's very important. | ||
| It's very important to take care of your fucking body. | ||
| We're all going to go, man, but you don't need to go early. | ||
| You don't need to go because that's going to be a terrible feeling to go because you treated your vehicle like shit. | ||
| That's not what you should do. | ||
| I did this benefit in D.C. for this comic who had a stroke but didn't have insurance. | ||
| And every third comic was like, yeah, this will be for me in six months. | ||
| But it's like, it will be! | ||
| You guys are all getting fatter! | ||
| Stop! | ||
| You know, this really brings up a really interesting point. | ||
| Because the ability when someone is fucked, when they're done, when you're paralyzed from the neck down, you can't move. | ||
| The ability to terminate their own life and to decide. | ||
| Some of them can blink and move a cursor and stuff, and they can write things like, I want to die, please kill me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a woman who wrote this article, and this woman's name is Allison Pearson. | ||
| She wrote this article about, do any of us, however ill, have the right to die? | ||
| And this was her argument. | ||
| Her argument was that you don't have the right. | ||
| It is one of the dumbest, fucking, most simpleton mouth diarrhea takes on the subject I've ever read. | ||
| It's not thoughtful. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| Of course you have the right to die. | ||
| It's your own... | ||
| Rights are given to us by others in order for us to live together, but it's like you can do whatever you want yourself. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's... | ||
| The right? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| It's completely preposterous. | ||
| I mean, it's one of the dumbest arguments that anyone can ever make. | ||
| It's just a really poorly... | ||
| So what'd she say? | ||
| What was she saying? | ||
| Well, she said that... | ||
| I didn't want to read it because it's horrible. | ||
| But the point is she contradicted herself because she had actually written another one, another article a couple years back where she was praising a woman for killing her daughter because her daughter had a fatal disease and she was just slowly suffering. | ||
| So we have the right to kill others but not ourselves? | ||
| It's preposterous. | ||
| She also wrote a really dumb article. | ||
| Who hired her? | ||
| She writes for some English newspaper. | ||
| You think she's just ragging? | ||
| Well, maybe 24-7. | ||
| She writes for the Telegraph. | ||
| Is there any chance you meant that as a double play on the word rag? | ||
| She writes for the Telegraph. | ||
| So here's my point. | ||
| So the other day I look on my website and there's a thread that says Women vs. | ||
| Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I go, oh, what the fuck did Doug do? | ||
| This could be great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| By the way, Doug's latest CD is fucking fantastic. | ||
| If you haven't heard it, it's great. | ||
| You know what's great when you hear a guy, and I gotta be honest, his last one that he did in Norway, the Oslo one, it wasn't my favorite. | ||
| It wasn't my favorite out of his stuff, and I love Doug. | ||
| He's fucking awesome. | ||
| But this one, man, it's almost like he rebounded from that one. | ||
| Just like with renewed vigor and hate and just fucking attacked. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Like there's some really fucking hard laughs in it. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| It's one of my favorite stand-up comedy CDs in years. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| I think it's my favorite of Doug's. | ||
| I think he just, whatever the fuck he did, whether, you know, he even talks about it. | ||
| He turned a corner as a person where he doesn't give a fuck anymore. | ||
| He's just trying to have fun. | ||
| He's not trying to change the world. | ||
| He thought he was going to try to change the world at one point. | ||
| Yeah, now he finally realizes he's just one dude. | ||
| Yeah, he's just here to tell dick jokes. | ||
| And it's fucking great. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| And so I had, I tweeted about it. | ||
| And it's hard to follow everything the fuck that's going on on Twitter. | ||
| So I didn't see this women versus Doug Stanhope thing. | ||
| So I go to Stanhope. | ||
| Stanhope read what this woman had wrote. | ||
| And let me find the exact quote because it was pretty inflammatory. | ||
| Something about he... | ||
| I think he said that he hopes she gets a cyst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did he write this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's just really angry at this article. | ||
| And, you know, that's what Stan Hope does. | ||
| He gets fired up, and he wants to figure out some way to turn this rage into comedy. | ||
| So, what is his exact quote? | ||
| Shit, I can't find it. | ||
| I think he said that he wished a cyst on her ovaries or something like that. | ||
| To see what you would do? | ||
| Yeah, I can't even find it. | ||
| He might have actually taken the first quote down. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why, he caught a lot of flack for it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That doesn't seem like him. | ||
| So what was the thing? | ||
| Women against Doug Stanhope? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't find it. | ||
| Was there backlash? | ||
| Well, this is what's crazy. | ||
| So Doug Stanhope calls her a cunt, and he said that she was fucking ridiculous in this shit article, and it's about something that is very near and dear to Doug, because that's what his mom had to do. | ||
| His mom had to take her own life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| His mom did that from the man show? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So for some smug asshole to come and just pass judgment like this and do it with such poor thinking... | ||
| It's really poorly written. | ||
| It reeks of a mediocre mind. | ||
| It reeks of someone who is just... | ||
| They're not capable of grasping how a lot of other people are going to see this. | ||
| They don't have enough perspective to tackle this complex issue. | ||
| It's insulting. | ||
| It's insultingly dumb. | ||
| And so Stanhope shit all over this lady. | ||
| So her response was to create this Women Against Doug Stanhope page on Facebook. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it's also on Twitter. | ||
| Women vs. | ||
| Stanhope on Twitter and Women vs. | ||
| Stanhope on Facebook. | ||
| Wait, why women? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly! | |
| Isn't it a Right to Die show? | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| No, because he asked for a cyst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Because he said, he called her a cunt and she said he hopes she gets a cyst. | ||
| Can anyone join? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he said a fetid ovarian cyst. | |
| Yes, well that's the problem. | ||
| This is what I was going to say. | ||
| The problem is, the only people that joined Women vs. | ||
| Stanhope both on Twitter, me, and on Facebook, me. | ||
| Are you the only ones that joined? | ||
| No, it's me and all the fucking Stanhope fans from the Rogan board. | ||
| And all the people who heard about this. | ||
| So they all join? | ||
| Nobody's gonna fucking women versus stint. | ||
| Bitch, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| There's a few crazy hookers that are looking to get mad at any guy who says anything bad to any woman anywhere. | ||
| I think some women just hear a quote, women against someone, she's like, oh, sure, I'll sign up for it. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I read this one lady's take on it. | ||
| You know, misogynists like Stan Hope, like, what are you fucking talking about, dummy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you saying? | |
| Yeah, he made a personal attack on her, but that's not the important part. | ||
| The important part is this nonsensical argument by a fucking dullard saying that really terminally ill people who are in horrible straits shouldn't be able to stop their time on this life. | ||
| That somehow or another, what, is there some grand plan that has to pay out? | ||
| Is there some pill that you know about that we don't? | ||
| Is there some new leaf that we're going to find on the Amazon that restores this 80-year-old guy who's paralyzed with a neck down? | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ, bitch. | ||
| You don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| You're talking nonsense. | ||
| You shouldn't be allowed to be in a position where you have an opinion that can be expressed and then can influence people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're too fucking stupid for that. | ||
| Who does she work for? | ||
| She works for this fucking newspaper, man. | ||
| This is why I try not to say bitch when I'm in an argument with a woman because I'm like, I don't want this to be about female or male at all. | ||
| I just want you to know that you're stupid. | ||
| So I try not to use gender-specific words. | ||
| Yeah, this is a... | ||
| It's just... | ||
| You don't have to be gender specific with this lady. | ||
| I haven't. | ||
| I don't think I have. | ||
| But unless I called her a bitch. | ||
| But the way I say that, I call that... | ||
| I'm saying that's what happens when Doug uses a cut. | ||
| It's not his fault, but that's what they latch on to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I use a bitch with my best friends. | ||
| I was like, bitch, you crazy? | ||
| I mean, I'm not saying she's a bitch as a woman. | ||
| Yeah, but that's what they latch on to. | ||
| And you're like, why? | ||
| That's not what we're even talking about. | ||
| Well, because they want to be able to say you hate women. | ||
| Of course I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| Pfft. | ||
| The worst. | ||
| Well, the women versus... | ||
| I don't hate them, but as a whole, I just definitely look down on them. | ||
| You definitely look down on them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, what it is is... | ||
| Like, I can't help it. | ||
| I look down on men, too. | ||
| There's a lot of men out there that are bitches. | ||
| I run into a lot of very unfortunate men out there in this world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if I was a woman, I would be sad. | ||
| If I was a woman and I wanted to have a real man... | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good luck finding one of those fucking things. | ||
| There's like a specific type of female drunk that I hate, but there's also a specific type of male drunk that I hate, too. | ||
| Dude, I would way rather be a guy than be a guy. | ||
| I think there's way more women that are cool than there are men that are cool. | ||
| There's too many douchebags out there that have some weird chip on their shoulder. | ||
| There's some weird need to prove themselves. | ||
| There's just too many aggressively cunty men. | ||
| I think there's a lot of cunty women, but I think there's way more cunty men. | ||
| There's just fucking people. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that are just going like this. | ||
| Just beating their chest and trying to like... | ||
| And they're like, why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why are you fighting? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Who wants this? | ||
| They never train. | ||
| If they just trained, they would never do that. | ||
| You know, you go with a bunch of guys who are like... | ||
| Jiu-jitsu guys go out. | ||
| They're like the nicest, most polite people ever. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It can be easier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's way easier. | ||
| You know what I realized? | ||
| Sometimes I used to do this thing, I don't do it anymore, where it's like you're at a yellow light and you try to pause far enough so the car behind you misses the light and you get to go through it. | ||
| But I'm like, the amount of energy it takes to do that would be equal to the amount of energy to speed up and get the guy in behind you. | ||
| The game works either way. | ||
| You're trying to accomplish something. | ||
| Yeah, that's a total cunt move, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like you can be nice and still have the fun of the game. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's... | ||
| I think people just get locked into a wave. | ||
| It's absolutely people get locked into a wave thing. | ||
| And you can also get locked into frustration. | ||
| Some of the most aggressive people I've met were the most unsuccessful. | ||
| The most frustrated. | ||
| The reason why they were just like constantly involved in conflict. | ||
| It's because they were dealing with a lot of internal conflict and no confirmation of anything good. | ||
| No confirmation of goodness from their life. | ||
| There's no confirmation of them being worth something. | ||
| They were always getting dumped in relationships or in the middle of fighting with their boss. | ||
| They just shit on everything. | ||
| Yeah, there was always conflict. | ||
| And when you're in that situation, that constant state of That's your norm? | ||
| Of unease, yeah. | ||
| That becomes your baseline? | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking, it's the worst. | ||
| It's the worst to be around. | ||
| Yeah, it's the worst to be around. | ||
| But the reality is, you and I have it far easier than the average person. | ||
| There was a threat on the underground. | ||
| Yeah, but I think the average person isn't like that. | ||
| I think that's a lot of people, but I think the average person's cool. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| But I'm saying, the average person is under a lot more stress. | ||
| It seems like stand-up comics would be under a lot of stress, and we sort of are, but it's kind of a different stress. | ||
| The world's under zero stress. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a thread on the underground talking about Sunday nights. | ||
| And the guy's like, man, fucking Sunday night. | ||
| Some dude just reached out. | ||
| He goes, Sunday nights are depressing. | ||
| Do you guys find Sunday depressing? | ||
| And fucking everybody's like, yes, I hate Sunday nights. | ||
| I hate going back to work. | ||
| It makes me sick. | ||
| And I'm sitting here. | ||
| And I'm dreading. | ||
| I'm dreading that I've got to go to work in the morning. | ||
| And I'm like, wow. | ||
| That's when you really realize how... | ||
| Stupid lucky we are. | ||
| Just stupid lucky to be stand-up comedian. | ||
| I've been stupid lucky across the board. | ||
| Even Fear Factor, I never woke up and was really mad that I had to go and make retarded amounts of money to do that. | ||
| It wasn't my favorite thing to do, but I was never mad at it. | ||
| But to do stand-up or anything like that or work for the UFC, it doesn't even feel like a job. | ||
| It's something you actually look forward to. | ||
| I try to do sometimes when I'm tired and I don't want to go to some awesome gig or get on the plane to go to some great place. | ||
| I'm like, I have it worse than Ethiopia. | ||
| Just like, put it out how ridiculous it is. | ||
| Like, relax, dude. | ||
| You can complain, but keep it set. | ||
| Say it out loud. | ||
| You should put that on your wall. | ||
| I have it worse than Ethiopia. | ||
| It'll like force you to just not be a bitch. | ||
| This ice cream is melty. | ||
| I have it worse than Ethiopia. | ||
| It's like, let me complain, but obviously I'm fine. | ||
| It's super easy to get into a shit mindset. | ||
| The bottom line is that life is a struggle. | ||
| It's a constant struggle. | ||
| And doing anything is a struggle. | ||
| Like we were talking about writing new material. | ||
| We're both doing that right now. | ||
| You go up and sometimes it just eats dick. | ||
| It's not working. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Sometimes you don't know where you're going with something because it's a new bit and you try to say it one way and now you try it another way but then it sort of diffuses the second part of it and then you gotta listen to it and go over it and maybe rewrite it. | ||
| It's a weird process. | ||
| Sometimes you're like, okay, this section just needs work and then the next time you're like, it still needs work and the next time you're like, damn it! | ||
| Nothing's coming! | ||
| Bits just show up done. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Sometimes, like, you get an idea, and I have gotten an idea on the way to a show, and then got to the show, and then, boom, the bit was done. | ||
| And it kills like an old bit. | ||
| You know, one of my bits from my... | ||
| The Facebook thing, the first time you said it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which Facebook thing? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to ruin one of your jokes, you're a special. | |
| if this is the premise if they have Facebook in like the 1800s oh yeah yeah yeah yeah That came out immediately. | ||
| Yeah, that was that night. | ||
| It was some big theater. | ||
| I forget where. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes it was really funny. | ||
| That's a tag, though. | ||
| That was sort of easy because the big premise had already been set. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| You're saying the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's weird, man. | ||
| The process is so weird, the process of creating new stuff. | ||
| But it's so exciting, too. | ||
| It just gets you real stimulated. | ||
| That's my favorite time because it's the most unsteady time. | ||
| You're going out there with all these fucking weak-ass weapons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like you're playing... | ||
| It's like you become a bad motherfucker at StarCraft or World of Warcraft. | ||
| It's your first time getting to Mike Tyson in Punch Out. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| He just knocks you out in two shots. | ||
| You quit and then you start all over again with a new account. | ||
| Yeah, that's a better example. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| Yeah, you're a noob with shit jokes. | ||
| We played... | ||
| That thing me and Renazisi did. | ||
| We got to play Tiger Woods Golf with Tiger Woods. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And he drove it off the tee once and he went into this creek. | ||
| He's like, I couldn't clear the creek? | ||
| It was like 140 yards. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, welcome to regular people golf, Tiger. | ||
| Yeah, I'm just mumbling. | ||
| I was like, that's how regular people do it. | ||
| You powered through that one, though. | ||
| I tried, and then I got stuck in like a rut right there. | ||
| And a skip. | ||
| That's the worst feeling when you're on stage in the middle of a fucking perfect joke. | ||
| And you're like, come on, body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| And your body just hiccups on a word. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Damn, I'm ruining this whole moment. | ||
| I almost did that this week, and I paused myself, and it actually made the joke better. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I almost fucked up. | ||
| I had an almost fuck up where a word was... | ||
| I felt it come out twisted. | ||
| I'm like, why is my tongue this shape? | ||
| I paused an extra second, then I paused an extra second after the word, after I got it correct. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was like a better pause. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sometimes you chance by yourself on accident, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, oh. | ||
| I realize, I'm like, oh yeah, that gives you more time. | ||
| I am saying something kind of crazy right there. | ||
| Maybe it's better to contemplate it for a moment before you hear the second step. | ||
| Sometimes stand-up is just... | ||
| Technical. | ||
| Yeah, and you're doing it in front of different people. | ||
| That's the only art form that I know of where you literally need them to practice it in front of. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know some of the stuff that's funny. | ||
| You know, when I write it, I know some of the stuff that's going to kill. | ||
| But some of the stuff, every now and then, there's some shit that you didn't even think was funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You thought it was like a throwaway, and it washes. | |
| It could be like the biggest throwaway to you, and that's like the biggest laugh of the joke. | ||
| I find a lot of times that I'll do certain jokes that I really enjoy that may or may not get as big a laugh. | ||
| But I'll do the jokes that get a humongous laugh that I'm like, yeah, I like it. | ||
| But it's not my favorite. | ||
| But you guys seem to like it. | ||
| So I'll keep that in there so you listen to these ones that I want to say. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's like a tool. | ||
| There's no substitute for fucking doing it on stage in front of people. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| That's why I used to hear about Bill Cosby. | ||
| That Bill Cosby would just write his whole routine and then just go on The Tonight Show. | ||
| And just do it. | ||
| Yeah, he just did it. | ||
| He would say he just knows what funny is. | ||
| Certain people, I guess, go differently. | ||
| I would like to see that dude. | ||
| If he's in town, you want to see him with me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I totally would. | ||
| I bet he comes to town like once a year. | ||
| My first time in Montreal, I had to leave the day before he was there and I was really upset. | ||
| Yeah, I'd like to see him do stand-up. | ||
| Because it's hard when you hear a lot of the veteran comics talk about him because he's reached this deity status. | ||
| You can't say anything wrong. | ||
| They're not honest. | ||
| Because I remember the one time, obviously George Carlin's one of all-time greats. | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| He's one of the greatest comedians that's ever lived. | ||
| But there was a time where he was coming to the comedy store and he was working on some new stuff and it was not good. | ||
| Yeah, his last or second or maybe third or last special. | ||
| But yeah, it was like, meh. | ||
| It wasn't good. | ||
| There was one good bit in there of the hour. | ||
| And we all kind of sat around and no one wanted to say anything. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, and maybe you and I got together and we were like, yes, it wasn't good. | ||
| In private. | ||
| It wasn't good, yeah. | ||
| But meanwhile, he's fucking one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| Yeah, you have to say, I'm not taking anything away from his overall achievements. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, no, it was that moment. | ||
| And really, the reason was, there's a reason for it. | ||
| It wasn't that he wasn't a good comic anymore. | ||
| It's that he had an incredible workload. | ||
| And he did the Louis C.K. thing, where he was the originator of it. | ||
| He would come up with a completely new act every year. | ||
| He would do like a dozen or two dozen specials, right? | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| And he was in his 60s, right? | ||
| It was in his 60s, maybe even older. | ||
| Yeah, and he's writing a whole new special and performing it every year. | ||
| He gave me 20 bucks. | ||
| I went to the deli for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They sent me to the deli for him and he gave me 20 bucks. | ||
| I was like, oh, it's on the house. | ||
| He goes, yeah, I know. | ||
| Yeah, it's for you. | ||
| And I was like, thank you so much. | ||
| Yeah, you got 20 bucks for George Carlin. | ||
| You should have framed that shit. | ||
| Yeah, and I think I needed to eat. | ||
| I mean, that's so courageous, too, that he would do that. | ||
| That he would go out there. | ||
| Tip it you 20 bucks? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Try out all the new shit and bomb. | ||
| When he could just pull out, you know, hours of classics and just crush. | ||
| He said that before we used to work out. | ||
| He would be like, I'm not doing the old stuff. | ||
| Don't ask for it. | ||
| I'm not going to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here we go. | |
| Yeah, that's how we had to do it. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing, really. | ||
| It's hard to put yourself in that position, but if you do it enough, practice enough, probably just the same thing as working out, you get to a place of happier that you didn't just rely on the old material, and you actually just went through the new stuff. | ||
| Yeah, but it's also, Gaffigan and I talked about this, and one of the things that he said was that you've got to have both. | ||
| He goes, it's really important to me to be really good, to have a good show. | ||
| These people are paying a lot of money. | ||
| I can't just work out in front of them. | ||
| And I was like, you're right. | ||
| I feel the same way. | ||
| I sandwich new jokes in between already known killers. | ||
| That's why I love workout sets. | ||
| At the store or New York or anywhere. | ||
| It's just like, this is just, you know, it's a fucking Tuesday night. | ||
| No one's here to see anybody specific. | ||
| Don't you feel like that, you know, you gotta get the audience's sort of respect before you start doing new shit? | ||
| I feel like... | ||
| Here's what I'll do. | ||
| I know what you mean. | ||
| It's like you want to do an opener that's going to hit up right away. | ||
| Opener that works for sure. | ||
| I'll find a new one. | ||
| I'll find a new one for this year. | ||
| By not having one, that'll make me find a new one. | ||
| That's a good way to look at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By not having a closer, that'll force me to get a closer. | ||
| But if I do my whatever ending and then I'm like, let me hit you with some great bit I know works, then I'll leave with that feeling of like... | ||
| I need something better there. | ||
| Do you get bummed out if people send you, like, shitty messages about your show on Twitter? | ||
| No. | ||
| They thought you sucked? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| Because rarely is it super bad. | ||
| I'm trying my best with whatever that new material is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then it gets better and better, so the more and more of it goes well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe then eventually all you need is just that closer. | ||
| But the first ten is great, you know, and then it becomes like so-so. | ||
| Yeah, we've got to do some things, man. | ||
| Let's go to Alaska or something like that. | ||
| We've got to do some shit. | ||
| I told your manager. | ||
| I already told him. | ||
| I said, he's going to forget again. | ||
| So just look into it. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Just look into it. | ||
| The longest day of the year, Shroom Fress is July 21st through the 23rd. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Can you get shrooms in Alaska? | ||
| Fuck, of course you can, right? | ||
| That's the way he says that. | ||
| Of course you can. | ||
| There's no way that can't be true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the guy who got arrested at the Mall of America. | |
| What you mean to say is, this is the guy who got let off by the cops of Mall of America! | ||
| That's one way of putting it. | ||
| That's one way of putting it. | ||
| But you did get... | ||
| I can't remember the last time the cops came at Mall of America to talk to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm walking the line, by the way. | ||
| Did you ride the roller coaster at the Mall of America? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| It looks janky and old. | ||
| It's like everything's from like 20 years ago. | ||
| It's inside? | ||
| The inside roller coaster? | ||
| They have a water ride too. | ||
| How big is the Mall of America? | ||
| It's the biggest mall. | ||
| Edmonton Mall in America. | ||
| Edmonton Mall is bigger. | ||
| In Canada? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the biggest mall in the world? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| It's all by the same people, though. | ||
| How does Dubai, how do they tolerate the fact that we have the biggest mall? | ||
| They must be going crazy. | ||
| Is there really people driving around with lions in their cars in Dubai? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lions? | |
| Have you seen those photos of just like Mercedes driving by with a big lion arm hanging out of the side? | ||
| No, I haven't seen it. | ||
| There's a new show called The Shas of Sunset. | ||
| It's all Iranians. | ||
| It's all the Persians that are here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, can I just say this? | ||
| You can disagree with me if you want. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You can put this on the record. | ||
| They're the worst of the whites. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Persians and Remedians. | ||
| You are the Jewiest Jew of all time. | ||
| The way you said it. | ||
| The worst. | ||
| The worst of the whites. | ||
| Of all the whites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By far. | |
| The way you said that, though. | ||
| You so, like, made a Jew-y face. | ||
| You just got into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm becoming an old man. | |
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| I'm becoming an old man set in his ways. | ||
| I worry about that, man. | ||
| I say something. | ||
| Like, someone will say something. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, I'm an old guinea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Listen to me. | ||
| I'm some fucking... | ||
| I'm some old guinea. | ||
| Becoming what I was supposed to become. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're the worst of the whites! | ||
| I'll tell you, they're the worst of the whites! | ||
| They were fine. | ||
| They were having a good time. | ||
| I mean, they seemed like they were enthusiastic people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the show? | |
| Yeah, the show. | ||
| They're driving their dad's daddy-lacks. | ||
| Listen, the fucking people. | ||
| Working some store that was handed down to them. | ||
| Listen, I am all for anybody coming from somewhere that sucks like Iran and coming to America. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| They're going to have some fucking growing pains. | ||
| They're going to have to... | ||
| It's a completely suppressed culture. | ||
| It's the ones that act overly that way. | ||
| Most people are fine. | ||
| They're fucking balling for the first time ever in like, you know, six generations. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| They've come to America over the last... | ||
| I mean, look, the whole hostage crisis shit happened in the Carter administration, and then they stopped calling themselves Iranians. | ||
| Because I had an Iranian girlfriend when I was young. | ||
| She was Iranian then? | ||
| She was Iranian. | ||
| And then they changed it to Persian? | ||
| And then they changed it to Persian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because they got a bad rap? | ||
| Fucking nobody wanted to have anything to do with Iran, man. | ||
| You don't know what it was like. | ||
| At that point, when she was my girlfriend, this was my first girlfriend ever, I was like 11 years old, and she was this girl across the street, and her fucking mother, the mother was Iranian. | ||
| She was half Iranian and half American, and the mother tried to stab the father with a knife while I was there. | ||
| The cops got there. | ||
| It was really crazy. | ||
| It was a crazy little situation. | ||
| She was a really nice girl, but they were in deep turmoil. | ||
| Her family was in deep turmoil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Trying to get out? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, like, the mother tried to kill the fucking father with a knife. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got arrested while we were there. | ||
| It was really crazy. | ||
| But my point was, like, I got to see, like, you know, what it's like in their eyes to have escaped Iran. | ||
| You know, and Iran was, you know, it's a fucking dictatorship. | ||
| I don't give a shit what anybody says. | ||
| All those votings, that's nonsense over there. | ||
| There's a reason why everybody erupted and went fucking crazy after the last election. | ||
| There's no real democracy going on in Iran. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| Nothing anytime soon. | ||
| But, no, no, there's none. | ||
| It's a scary place. | ||
| But that doesn't excuse your behavior when you come into a comedy club late at night and say, I don't buy this place. | ||
| Yeah, you know what it is, man? | ||
| They're just like the Guineas of the fucking 1930s. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| Those are the second worst of the whites. | ||
| Listen, that's my people. | ||
| I'm a Jersey Guinea. | ||
| I was born in Newark, New Jersey, man. | ||
| That's the whole environment. | ||
| They're escaping something that sucks bad. | ||
| You know, and so it takes them a while to assimilate to the greatest culture the world has ever known. | ||
| Hello. | ||
| Welcome to California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Welcome to California, bitch! | ||
| There's one time these, like, five Persian guys came into the store later night. | ||
| I was sitting in the back row there, and Renizzisi's working the cover booth. | ||
| He was smoking a cigarette in the back row. | ||
| It was, like, 1.30 in the morning. | ||
| The, uh, Jim Painter, the door guy, was on stage. | ||
| And these guys come in, smoking a cigarette, and we're like, hey, guys, you can't, uh... | ||
| Or Steve said, guys, it's a $20 cover. | ||
| And they're like, oh, okay. | ||
| And they sat there for a minute and he goes, guys, it's a $20 cover and you can't smoke in here. | ||
| You've got to go out. | ||
| And they kind of gave this look of like, all right. | ||
| And they walked towards the steps, waited there for like two minutes. | ||
| And I just go, get the fuck out, you filthy Persians. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| And they just started rushing at me. | ||
| Steve is holding back their kicks. | ||
| They were trying to spit at me a kick. | ||
| I'm trying to be cool and just sit there and their kicks were just missing me. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I was so mad at them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, get the fuck. | |
| You're so rich. | ||
| You've done nothing. | ||
| You're all 19. Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| So where are they getting their money from? | ||
| Dad! | ||
| What does dad do? | ||
| Worked hard because he overcame that shit you were talking about. | ||
| All they did was inherit them. | ||
| There's a big problem with really rich kids... | ||
| A lot of parents of rich kids are not taking care of those kids very well. | ||
| Don't let your children wear black on black. | ||
| They're working a lot, too. | ||
| Don't let them wear black on black. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, you're a douche. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Listen, look at your sweater. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, this is cool. | |
| How dare you? | ||
| You have the gay flag. | ||
| You have the sweater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Are you sitting on some picture pages? | ||
| How could you possibly sit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Picture pages. | |
| How could you possibly tell them what colors to wear? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're the worst. | |
| They're the worst. | ||
| What colors to wear, though? | ||
| What? | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| They can't wear black on black? | ||
| No, with three buttons undone. | ||
| What if they're really nice people and they wear black on black? | ||
| They would never act like that! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They would never! | |
| My day! | ||
| You waited for your wife to yell at you in the background, Ari, keep it down! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You shut up in mind! | |
| Dad would never tolerate this! | ||
| The neighbors can hear! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going off and you're offensive! | |
| Ari! | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| You're so hilarious. | ||
| I just visited my parents, man. | ||
| Maybe if you were a Persian, you could get away with saying that. | ||
| No, why? | ||
| Right now they're going to have some Persians mad at you. | ||
| They're going to come to your show. | ||
| Be less Persian-y! | ||
| That's all I ask. | ||
| It's only the ones. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| I do, because, again, in your defense, I'm a guinea. | ||
| I'm mostly Italian, and I don't like most Italians. | ||
| There's a lot of them I like. | ||
| Oh, you're Italian? | ||
| Oh, you're Persian? | ||
| No, you're fine. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of them I like, but there's just this giant clock. | ||
| I wouldn't even say it's most I don't like. | ||
| I would say it's 30% I don't like. | ||
| Yeah, it's like the militant Palestinians. | ||
| It's just 30% douchebags. | ||
| Yeah, they ruin it for everyone. | ||
| That's all you think of. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And all these goddamn mob movies have just pumped those fuckheads up, those really dumb fuckheads. | ||
| Entitles them. | ||
| Do you know who I am? | ||
| I'll come back there. | ||
| I know people. | ||
| Kill yourself. | ||
| I know people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's horrible. | ||
| We stop it. | ||
| Give me another line. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder how much, you know, they say that the big mob in this country is the Soviet mob and that they know how to keep their mouth shut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cause attention to their criminal behavior. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't walk around with fucking giant diamond rings on and they're like very sophisticated in their forms of organized crime. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're the most dangerous because they're like the computer dudes. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're ruthless. | ||
| Like, you know, that's a cold world, man. | ||
| You know, those people went through a lot of shit that we can't even, you know, begin to fathom. | ||
| Those are those guys that are like, get my pinky off. | ||
| I won't even blink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ouch. | ||
| When we were in Japan, I didn't see any pinkies cut off. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| No, everyone wore black. | ||
| A lot of wearing black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Would you yell at the Japanese? | ||
| No black on black? | ||
| Wait, black on black wearing black pants and a black shirt? | ||
| Everybody fucking wore black. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Black pants on a black shirt. | ||
| That's what I wear when I'm in the UFC. What is wrong with that? | ||
| First of all, if you wore it out, yeah, it's a little douchey. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Black on black? | |
| You know, my friend Bud, that's all he wears. | ||
| Black on black? | ||
| His whole fucking wardrobe is black clothes. | ||
| Like a black button down? | ||
| He has black jeans, bro. | ||
| It's okay for a black t-shirt and black jeans. | ||
| I'm telling you, black sneakers. | ||
| This motherfucker has black everything. | ||
| He has a black car. | ||
| His whole thing is that he only wears black. | ||
| Okay, I want you to tell Bud something. | ||
| If he does that, because I know what he's going for. | ||
| This is alright. | ||
| If he splashes a little bit of color in there, it'll really pop. | ||
| Some colorful shoes or some socks. | ||
| Ari, you would never get your car murdered? | ||
| Get my car murdered? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like all blacked out? | ||
| Murdered is matte black. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That cool color. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that, man. | |
| Russell has that. | ||
| He has matte gray. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I would like that. | ||
| Maybe I should do my car on my GT3. Yeah. | ||
| Fucking murdered bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| Paint your house that way. | ||
| Like Marilyn Marilyn's house. | ||
| Damn, are you rolling dirty over there? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
| Oh, that's what they would say about your house? | ||
| And you'd be like, yeah, we're rolling dirty over there. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| You think we're not rolling dirty? | ||
| It's weird, though. | ||
| Not shiny is in now. | ||
| People got tired of shiny. | ||
| Shiny's gross. | ||
| That's why I don't wash my car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No. | ||
| I like shiny. | ||
| I like shiny. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| There's certain cars that look like spaceships to me when they're shiny. | ||
| I saw a Ferrari yesterday. | ||
| It was one of these new 458 Italias. | ||
| They look like... | ||
| It's like something from Battlestar Galactica. | ||
| It's got these crazy lights down the side. | ||
| It's like $300,000. | ||
| That's about the right amount to spend on a car. | ||
| It's a house. | ||
| It's transportation. | ||
| But it's not, dude. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's a goddamn ride everywhere you go. | ||
| It's a wild, screaming ride that makes the most marvelous noise ever. | ||
| Those Italians, they have this fucking giant engine. | ||
| Yeah, that's the good part of Italians. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, but I'm sure it breaks down like crazy. | ||
| My people are not to be trusted with meticulous details of things. | ||
| They're not good at that. | ||
| They're good at the passion. | ||
| They're good at the crazy thing and impulsive stuff. | ||
| But it has this noise. | ||
| It drove by me. | ||
| It's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like this wild animal noise, man. | |
| It's just such a beautiful, passionate noise. | ||
| But $300,000. | ||
| And it looks like a spaceship. | ||
| You know, like the cars they're coming out with today, they're slowly starting to look like what we thought cars would look like in the future. | ||
| You know, for a while, they'd be like, you know, like Ford Festiva. | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| This is not space. | ||
| This is not interesting. | ||
| This is just some shitty looking box that you've created. | ||
| You know, the older cars and older Toyotas and Chevys. | ||
| Yeah, they're bad. | ||
| Those Mustangs for a while. | ||
| A lot of terrible shapes, man. | ||
| But now, they're finally figuring out a way to, like, make cars look like they should look in the future. | ||
| Everything except hybrids. | ||
| Yeah, they still look like shit. | ||
| Except those Fiskars. | ||
| Have you seen the Fiskars? | ||
| Fiskars, I believe it's a Dutch company, and they've created the first, I think they're electric. | ||
| I think one of them may be a hybrid and one of them is fully electric, but they're really cool shapes. | ||
| They're really wild looking. | ||
| They have a sports car version of it, and they have a big badass sedan version. | ||
| It looks almost like a Maserati. | ||
| I'm just waiting until they get up to about 300 or 400 miles per hour range. | ||
| Once I get that. | ||
| Yeah, they're not quite there yet. | ||
| Well, the real issue with them is, with these electric cars, is conflict minerals. | ||
| The real issue is there's only a limited amount. | ||
| Well, lithium ion is what you need to make those batteries. | ||
| And there's not a lot of that shit around. | ||
| And you've got to get it from places where people work for slavery. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, most of it's coming from the Congo. | ||
| Isn't that what's in batteries? | ||
| In regular batteries? | ||
| Lithium-ion, yeah. | ||
| And laptops, everything. | ||
| Conflict minerals are one of the biggest crises. | ||
| Conflict minerals. | ||
| Rechargeable? | ||
| No, the idea is they come from Afghanistan, they come from the Congo. | ||
| Oh, from conflict places. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like blood diamonds. | ||
| Yeah, well, what people don't realize, you know, when you think about, like, you think about a laptop. | ||
| There's a chain of things that has to happen and be put in place in order to create this laptop. | ||
| And at the very end of the chain, this is going to be crazy. | ||
| It's going to be hard for you to wrap your head around. | ||
| But at the very end of the chain, the very end is a kid in Africa sticking a metal rod into the ground and chipping away rocks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, literally. | ||
| They're mining. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, that's what they're doing, yeah. | ||
| They're little kids. | ||
| That's lithium-ion? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It's Coltrane for cell phones. | ||
| Oh, that's so sad to think about. | ||
| And we all just say we'll put up with that? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Because we want our stuff. | ||
| People are trying to do things about that, but first of all, going to the Congo is very... | ||
| Very fucking dangerous. | ||
| Nobody wants to do that. | ||
| And, you know, you want to go into Afghanistan? | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's fucking dangerous too. | ||
| So it's like, you only have so many different ways of dealing with the situation. | ||
| And obviously someone's in control over these minerals. | ||
| I don't know what companies they are specifically, but I know those companies must be making an ungodly amount of money. | ||
| They estimated that there's more than $1 trillion in unfound minerals in Afghanistan that they've discovered. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, over a trillion in the mountains. | ||
| So they've known about this. | ||
| So they're just going to chip away at the mountains until it's all sold? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Once they start extracting it, then it becomes a big issue of who's getting this money? | ||
| Who's in control of this situation? | ||
| Who's in control of this piece of land? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We are, right? | |
| It's a huge... | ||
| Not really, no. | ||
| I mean, it's a huge factor in... | ||
| The reason why we're over there in Afghanistan in the first place, economically, that place is worth... | ||
| If the future is in technology, and we're pretty sure it is, it's not like technology is going to stop. | ||
| It's not like we're going to stop evolving it. | ||
| We're going to need minerals. | ||
| We're going to need these conflict minerals. | ||
| I haven't even considered that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a big issue. | ||
| What do you think of that guy who shot up all those people in Afghanistan? | ||
| Well, that guy, I read a whole story about him. | ||
| If you don't know who he is, he killed, I think it was 14 people? | ||
| Maybe 16, 9 of them were children. | ||
| 9 of them were children. | ||
| Went into their homes. | ||
| Yeah, went into their homes and just gunned them down. | ||
| He was a U.S. soldier. | ||
| He was a soldier, and he was a soldier that quit his job in 2001 and signed up for the Army after September 11th. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they've still kept him in? | ||
| Didn't he not want to go on this last tour? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Did it for all the right reasons. | ||
| Did it because he wanted to protect his country and defend his country. | ||
| And thought, you know, this is my time to step up and contribute to America. | ||
| And by all accounts for the longest time was like the greatest guy was the life of the party but he started after his first couple tours he went to Iraq he'd been shot in Iraq and then he did not want to go to Afghanistan thought he was gonna get a promotion and he started thought he was gonna get a better job back home be able to come back home And he was denied that. | ||
| Yeah, he knew that for his family or whatever. | ||
| And his family is back home. | ||
| He has two kids. | ||
| And his house, apparently, they had to put it up for sale. | ||
| And the people that went to look at his house was in complete disarray. | ||
| He was becoming an alcoholic. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| The fucking pressure of what these guys go through. | ||
| To ask anyone to do it ever is crazy. | ||
| To ask anyone to repeatedly do it over and over again when they don't want to do it anymore is nuts. | ||
| I mean, this guy was, up until a certain point in time, a hero. | ||
| And then he became a monster. | ||
| Yeah, the weird thing is people are sort of like seeing this. | ||
| Like, what are we doing to these guys? | ||
| And it almost seems as if we're like apologizing for his behavior. | ||
| And it's like, no, what he did was completely wrong and horrible. | ||
| But let's also examine what puts a guy in this position. | ||
| Just like a little bit. | ||
| You're totally right. | ||
| It's so complex. | ||
| I don't murder kids. | ||
| You're a piece of shit, you should die. | ||
| He became a piece of shit and he should die. | ||
| But how did he become a piece of shit? | ||
| Yeah, we did that. | ||
| We trained at a talk dog. | ||
| It's horrible that that guy became a piece of shit. | ||
| It's horrible that he was forced into this terrible, terrible, unspeakable, unthinkable situation where he was seeing people die. | ||
| He watched a good friend get his leg blown off that day. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he had watched the guy get his leg blown off that day and then went drunk and went on a rampage. | ||
| That's when he lost his shit. | ||
| He, you know, the guy was in trouble, you know, and what they're saying is, had they not recognized this, I think because everybody's in trouble over there! | ||
| They're all in war! | ||
| Suicides are up there, though. | ||
| Like 80%? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| More soldiers have died at one point in time. | ||
| I don't know if it's still the case, but more soldiers had died from suicide than had died from combat. | ||
| Over there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No way. | ||
| It was at one point in time it was. | ||
| Suicides in... | ||
| It was at least in Afghanistan it was. | ||
| No, that can't be true. | ||
| Yeah, it sounds like it wouldn't be, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I better not have made that up. | ||
| So what about, how do I put phrases? | ||
| Suicides, soldiers. | ||
| Total suicides, conflict, Gulf War, Meta, death squad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, garden. | |
| Butthole. | ||
| Casualties are... | ||
| No way. | ||
| That would shock me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll have to find out. | ||
| Suicide claims more US military lives than Afghan war. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Suicide claims... | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They've killed more soldiers. | ||
| American military personnel are continuing to take their own lives in unprecedented numbers. | ||
| As the war in Afghanistan and Iraq drag on, by as late November, at least 334 members of the armed forces had committed suicide in 2009, and more than 319 who were also killed in Afghanistan, or more than the 319 who were killed in Afghanistan, or the 150 who died in Iraq. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 2009. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. | ||
| That was at one point in time. | ||
| This is 2010. More had died. | ||
| More had died by suicide. | ||
| More soldiers killed themselves than were killed in combat. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay, wow. | ||
| Two years in a row. | ||
| But that includes like American soldiers and stuff? | ||
| Like still over here? | ||
| It's all American soldiers. | ||
| No, I'm saying still people over here? | ||
| Or is that all people over there that were committing suicide? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it soldiers stationed in Hawaii? | ||
| Soldiers period. | ||
| It just says American military personnel. | ||
| That might be... | ||
| It's still a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's most of them that are over there, man. | |
| I think a lot of them have the same problems when they come back here, too. | ||
| Yeah, it's got to be most of them there. | ||
| Or have done time over there, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the traumatic stress disorder. | ||
| That's so many. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I was hoping I didn't make it up. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Before 2001, the Army rarely suffered 10 suicides per 100,000 soldiers. | ||
| Now the Army suicide rate is 20 per 100,000. | ||
| It's higher than the registered among males 19 to 29, gender age bracket, the highest rate among the general population. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So, look, man. | ||
| It's obviously... | ||
| It's fucking terrible over there. | ||
| And why? | ||
| Why is it terrible over there? | ||
| Oh, there you go, man. | ||
| Talking about shit you don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
While this fucking country is the baddest country in the world. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just know what I read. | |
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I'm asking. | ||
| I know what I read. | ||
| So, what's the problem? | ||
| What I read is someone is doing something really bad. | ||
| Did you watch the firefight? | ||
| Did you see the video of the first person shooter helmet cam firefight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Dude, pull that up. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, helmet cam firefight. | ||
| They have a video of a dude in Afghanistan. | ||
| Oh, and by the way, I got a message from a guy on Twitter saying that him and his boys who are over there in the military in Afghanistan listen to the show all the time. | ||
| So I want to say, if you're over there, man, stay safe and get the fuck out of there. | ||
| Don't kill yourself. | ||
| Get the fuck out of there as quickly as you can. | ||
| And, you know, Godspeed. | ||
| And if you do get home and you got some shit fucking with you, apparently they've been doing a lot of studies on post-traumatic stress disorder and MDMA. So look into that. | ||
| Look into, if you have post-traumatic stress disorder, there's a lot of studies now that are suggesting that you can get over it much more effectively with MDMA. Really? | ||
| Which is ecstasy. | ||
| I mean, ecstasy is the street name for it. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of people that are taking ecstasy and they're administering it to soldiers coming back for therapy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, you know, it gives you such a loving feeling that you can abandon all these terrible feelings of war. | ||
| Well, definitely, if it was like, if you're having those feelings, like, seek a therapist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Because your mind is sort of messed up a little, so you're not thinking straight. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So those thoughts you get of, like, let me just do this. | ||
| Yeah, and you've got to be real careful about traumatic brain injuries. | ||
| Another thing that happened to this guy, he had a traumatic brain injury, a truck accident, a truck flipped, and he had a significant enough injury that they called it a traumatic brain injury. | ||
| I don't know the extent of it, but I do know from dealing with fighters... | ||
| And he committed suicide? | ||
| No, this is the guy that killed everybody. | ||
| Oh, that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It fucks with your judgment. | ||
| Unquestionably, it fucks with your judgment. | ||
| And your ability can be, in as little as, you know, a couple, like hard concussions, just in your life, a couple, can really deteriorate your ability to shake. | ||
| Some high school football players committed suicide, and they think that concussions can lead you to, like... | ||
| Unquestionably. | ||
| Real big brain failures if you don't really relax after them. | ||
| Well, especially these guys who have concussions and then jump right back in the game and get multiple concussions in the same day. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| They said after a concussion, you shouldn't even listen to loud music or anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You shouldn't watch crazy TV. You should just sit there and read a book, do nothing. | ||
| Yeah, you have to heal up your fucking brain, man. | ||
| And there's not a whole lot of different things that they can do to help you other than time and nootropics, too. | ||
| It's one of the things they do. | ||
| They give them a lot of different nutrients. | ||
| Like Bill Romanowski has a whole line based on that. | ||
| It's called Neuro One. | ||
| And this is one of the first nootropics I ever got into. | ||
| No Name told us about it. | ||
| Remember when we were up in San Francisco on Sarah No Name on the Alice Morning Show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great radio show that doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| They were awesome together. | ||
| They're done. | ||
| They split up. | ||
| The last time we did No Names, when I made him drink his piss. | ||
| It was just No Name. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But my point was that he was working out with this Romanowski guy. | ||
| Romanowski has suffered a ton of concussions. | ||
| He's had many, multiple, multiple concussions. | ||
| And he started looking into different nutrients that can aid his brain, his recovery. | ||
| And he created his own line called Neuro One. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I used to take it all the time before I played video games. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to take it all the time. | ||
| That's one of the things that Mayhem said about AlphaBrain. | ||
| That's what Mayhem Miller said. | ||
| That's why I knew AlphaBrain's legit, dude. | ||
| He goes, I took it, and he goes, I was on fire when I was playing video games. | ||
| I was fucking people up. | ||
| But I take it before I play pool. | ||
| I would take Romanowski shit before I play pool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Concentration stuff? | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Romanowski stuff tastes good, too. | ||
| It's... | ||
| Remember when he got caught taking pictures with B.B. Jones? | ||
| With who? | ||
| B.B. Jones. | ||
| Who's B.B. Jones? | ||
| Porn star. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, that was Gronkowski. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Gronkowski? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My fault. | ||
| What the hell is he talking about? | ||
| I don't know what he's talking about. | ||
| Bill Romanowski is a different guy, I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a famous football player. | ||
| Oh, I thought you said you got caught. | ||
| No, Gronkowski is a football player, too. | ||
| I just got to mix it up. | ||
| Yeah, I see what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, Gronkowski, Romanowski. | ||
| I hear you don't like white people. | ||
| It's like, what are you doing? | ||
| You're the worst of the whites. | ||
| Tell your friends not to do that anymore. | ||
| Just tell them not to. | ||
| Tell him not to do... | ||
| Black on black on black. | ||
| Bud, I mean. | ||
| Bud, yeah. | ||
| No, Bud never wears anything but black and he won't listen to you. | ||
| He's a dangerous man. | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
| He's the man in black. | ||
| You don't get it. | ||
| Johnny Cash did it okay. | ||
| Dude, he has a black American Express card. | ||
| I shit you not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because he loves it that much? | ||
| Drives a black Cadillac with blacked out windows. | ||
| Why, is he gone? | ||
| He's not a douchebag either. | ||
| He's a nice guy, believe it or not. | ||
| Then why does he have to do that? | ||
| He knows people that are in black ops. | ||
| So what? | ||
| Might change your life over it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's just this thing, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, it's odd. | ||
| He's an odd dude. | ||
| He just decided at one point in time to wear all black. | ||
| And then you never switched. | ||
| Some people don't like looking silly, man. | ||
| They don't like looking silly. | ||
| Shows come too easy. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| No, there's a specific type of black and blue. | ||
| Shows come too easy. | ||
| I can't do it all black all the time. | ||
| That would be gross. | ||
| Shows come too easy? | ||
| You smear come all over yourself. | ||
| What are you just coming all over yourself? | ||
| No, but you know, you come a little and it'll definitely get on your pants or shirt. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good point, man. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| I wear a lot of white. | ||
| I'm just trying to hide cum, essentially. | ||
| Have you ever... | ||
| Yeah, you've done it. | ||
| You've heard a bit about it. | ||
| What, cum on myself? | ||
| No, no, like where you look down and you're like, dude, this shirt's got so much cum on it. | ||
| Yeah, well, I used to have a bit about how I would just wear that shirt outside the house. | ||
| There was these two door guys. | ||
| It happens a lot. | ||
| Yeah, if anybody would say, what's on your shirt? | ||
| What the fuck do you think it is, bitch? | ||
| It's white and it's crusty and it's right near my dick. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| It happens more than I think most people. | ||
| Do you feel like it happens more with you? | ||
| I feel like it happens. | ||
| How often are you jerking off on your shirt? | ||
| No, I mean, I'm out and I see it more than... | ||
| Oh, like you had sex and there was a shirt nearby. | ||
| Do you have sex with your clothes on? | ||
| No, no, but I definitely... | ||
| Do you take your shirt off? | ||
| If it's at night, I'm just like, I gotta wipe this off and I grab a shirt and then forget. | ||
| And then like two weeks later, I pick up this t-shirt. | ||
| You pick up t-shirts off the floor and wear them? | ||
| No, they float in the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would you pick a station on the floor where they're dirty? | |
| No, see, I think shirts have an hour life, kind of. | ||
| I think somebody else talked about this to me once, and I totally agree with them. | ||
| When do you wear shirts for an hour? | ||
| Brian Jarvis. | ||
| So if I have a shirt, like I wear this shirt right now, if I take it off in an hour or so and put it on the floor or whatever, I think I could still wear it again because I've only worn it for two hours. | ||
| I wore the same shirt Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| T-shirt? | ||
| Yes, but not really. | ||
| It was a t-shirt over a flannel, or over a thermal, rather. | ||
| The thermal you were wearing? | ||
| Yeah, the reason I did it was because Saturday night was Fitzsimmons Irish show, and I'm like, I gotta wear green. | ||
| I have to wear green. | ||
| But the t-shirt you changed. | ||
| No, the t-shirt I kept on. | ||
| I wore the thermal underneath. | ||
| So the t-shirt was not on my body. | ||
| It just touched the thermal. | ||
| I just did it because I only had one. | ||
| Plus, it's a dope shirt. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| It's a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Gracie Academy. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| In Portuguese. | ||
| With that green sign on it? | ||
| The Brazil? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's like real faded. | ||
| It's this Roots of Fight line. | ||
| They have a whole line of like... | ||
| Have you seen Eddie with the Bruce Lee Kung Fu shirt? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, I always loved it because it was like the name of Bruce Lee's first Kung Fu school that he had when he came to America. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, and it's really badass. | ||
| And so I went to their website and they had a bunch of fucking cool shit. | ||
| And so I bought this old school Gracie Academy one. | ||
| And then I got this one on right now. | ||
| The one that I'm wearing right now. | ||
| This was Hickson versus Kimura. | ||
| Or excuse me, not Hickson. | ||
| Helio. | ||
| Hickson's dad. | ||
| Hickson's the main guy. | ||
| The originator. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| Helio versus Kimura from 1951. That's cool. | ||
| I own zero Gracie clothes. | ||
| Zero? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Yeah, you had some tap out shit that you used to rock every now and then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to. | |
| I used to. | ||
| And then when I saw a homeless guy wearing a tap out shirt, I was like, this might be too mainstream now. | ||
| I saw a homeless guy in an Ed Hardy shirt. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some homeless guy today cheered me on. | ||
| I went through a red light. | ||
| Did they think you were the Great Space Coaster? | ||
| No, I thought I was going to go through it. | ||
| Like I'm taking him out to another dimension. | ||
| I was going to go through it. | ||
| It's like yellow. | ||
| I'm like, nah, I'll just run this one. | ||
| Were you wearing that sweater? | ||
| I was wearing the sweater. | ||
| But he starts doing the fist pump. | ||
| And as I go through, he goes, yeah! | ||
| He gets me with the fingers. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, man. | ||
| Did they think you were the Nyan Cat? | ||
| Where's your toast? | ||
| It makes you think that there's so lot of homeless guys who probably could have been kind of cool in any other era. | ||
| Maybe they might not have been homeless. | ||
| Maybe if they grew up in the 60s, they would have skated through and actually been okay and got a job. | ||
| They must have some parts of them that are okay. | ||
| Maybe 100% homeless. | ||
| There's a lot of people becoming homeless now, though, man. | ||
| This is a tricky time. | ||
| There's more homeless people now, I bet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's actually people that I know that are homeless, like comics, and it kind of creeps me out. | ||
| Are they couchsurfing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not really homeless. | ||
| That's homeless, dude. | ||
| That's not having a house. | ||
| It is a little, and it sucks when you have one of those guys that lives in your house and you're never going to get them out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It makes me sad, especially since a couple of them are girls, and it's like, oh, you poor girls. | ||
| It's come to my lair. | ||
| It's come to me. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| You're getting dark on us. | ||
| Did you put that out there on purpose, hoping to attract some females? | ||
| No, because that's scary. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| No, that's scary, because those couch surfers, they must have stinky-ass pussies, don't you think? | ||
| Because they probably don't want to use the shower as much, because they don't want to get in people's hair. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They wake up early and probably go out for the day. | ||
| The girls you're talking about? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Or people that couch surf. | ||
| I've never had a couch surfer. | ||
| I would just imagine that they would want to leave and get out of your hair and not really bug you. | ||
| Okay, so someone who's only crashing couch, they don't have a bedroom in your house. | ||
| I've only had people stay at my... | ||
| I kind of had my friend Johnny stayed on my couch for a little bit back in New York, but most of the people that have stayed with me, they stayed in that extra room. | ||
| I stayed for a week. | ||
| Yeah, Duncan and Tate lived here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Tate lived here for months. | ||
| But it's great. | ||
| It's great if you have a friend who's staying with you and it's only for a short period of time. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| I loved having both those guys here. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was cool. | ||
| Just have a buddy. | ||
| You come home, your buddy's watching TV at your house. | ||
| Well, you have a good house for it. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice and segmented. | ||
| Kurt Metzger stays with me when he comes to town. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy. | ||
| He's perfect. | ||
| You're excited about it. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd be cool to live with Bert and Tom Segura. | ||
| Except they have families, you fuck. | ||
| No, they'd be the mommy and dad. | ||
| I want to be your baby. | ||
| That'd be so fun. | ||
| They'd be the mom and dad and you'd stay outside. | ||
| You mean just live with them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just live with them. | |
| Like they were roommates? | ||
| If you could break their marriages up, dude, we could make it happen. | ||
| Let's get it going. | ||
| All you have to do is break them up, man. | ||
| They're happily married and shit, but whatever. | ||
| They don't even know what's best for them. | ||
| I did a podcast with Christina Brzezinski and I thought I deleted it by accident before I marked it. | ||
| I was so upset. | ||
| She's funny as fuck, man. | ||
| That's Tom Segura's wife for the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you guys kiss? | |
| No, we did not kiss. | ||
| Did you ask her to smell it? | ||
| I did ask her to smell it. | ||
| Smell my cock real quick? | ||
| No, no, my finger. | ||
| I like that bit you do. | ||
| Do you still do that bit about the doctor? | ||
| About getting your penis checked out? | ||
| The one that never made it. | ||
| Never made it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's why I need to record an album. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari had, can I tell it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, go for it. | ||
| Ari had this bit where he would, did you have a, was she an attractive woman doctor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was an Asian. | |
| She was an Asian doctor. | ||
| Attractive woman doctor was looking at his dick because he had like some sort of lesion on it. | ||
| Something. | ||
| It was an ingrown hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something going on. | ||
| And he just thought for a second about grabbing the back of her head while she was down on her knees looking at his dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he goes like, oh, she would be like, oh, finally a real man. | ||
| A real man took a chance, that's right. | ||
| I was like, I don't want to because you're going to be mad, but what if she'd be into it? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what kept Clinton alive during those fucking years in the White House. | |
| Clinton was just whipping it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many of the presidents do you think were like that? | ||
| Oh, so many! | ||
| There's a book coming out that says Nixon's gay. | ||
| Not only is it gay, they named the guy he was gay with. | ||
| He had a long-term relationship with this one man. | ||
| And then he took this guy with him everywhere. | ||
| There's a really cute Latino guy. | ||
| He took the guy with him everywhere. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| I totally see that. | ||
| I see Joe Pesci playing him. | ||
| I barely remember when Liberace was like, he's got AIDS. No, not Liberace. | ||
| That other guy, Rock Hudson. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people are like, what? | ||
| That's how I remember it. | ||
| Was he super gay beforehand? | ||
| He's just real handsome. | ||
| He was a real handsome movie star from the early days, and I think people just never believed. | ||
| No. | ||
| So there must be guys like that in Office 2. Of course. | ||
| So you just don't want to think about it because of the times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's like, yeah. | ||
| They're pretty sure Nixon. | ||
| This guy's pretty sure. | ||
| He's going on a limb on this Nixon thing. | ||
| George Washington was good. | ||
| He's got a lot of photos of... | ||
| George Washington? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wouldn't believe that. | |
| Spread it. | ||
| Spread it. | ||
| Lincoln shared a bed with a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck him! | |
| But apparently it was common back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| The rusty trombone. | ||
| It's common now. | ||
| It's called homosexuality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's also... | |
| They were cold as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I mean, Lincoln was living in a fucking house made out of sticks. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Built his own fucking house. | ||
| There's not much weatherproofing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you had to sleep with one president, who would it be? | ||
| Clinton, I bet he knows how to slam a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| Plus, he might be willing to bring some girls into the equation. | ||
| You know, listen man, you can fuck me, but can we get some girls too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| I was always attracted growing up to Andrew Jackson just because of his hair. | ||
| Andrew Jackson? | ||
| Yeah, on the $20 bill. | ||
| It was kind of cool. | ||
| Well, Washington had white teeth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like these crazy fake wooden teeth. | ||
| What do they call it when black people have them? | ||
| Caps? | ||
| No, he had dentures. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they were, you know, like one of the first early dentures. | ||
| You know, they didn't take care of their mouths back then. | ||
| People's mouths, their teeth would rot out of their fucking head. | ||
| They didn't know anything then. | ||
| No, they didn't know shit. | ||
| If you had his appendicitis, you would just die of that. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| And no one knows what it is. | ||
| It comes on within a week, you're dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They probably thought it was witchcraft. | ||
| All these people allergic to peanuts. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They just die off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Allergies to milk. | ||
| See? | ||
| Our technology has overcome nature's way of getting rid of those people. | ||
| Well, I mean, look. | ||
| The meek shall inherit the earth. | ||
| I mean, that, as a quote, it sounds silly. | ||
| It sounds biblical. | ||
| It sounds like, oh, yeah, sure they will. | ||
| Physically meek, but mentally strong. | ||
| Physically weak, but able to manifest all sorts of incredible things out of technology. | ||
| That's really what's going on. | ||
| And in manifesting all these incredible things out of technology, the body has less and less requirements physically. | ||
| So they become meek. | ||
| They become meek and their computers and technology become strong and they inherit the fucking earth. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| That's really what's happening. | ||
| That's what's going to happen. | ||
| And along the way they're going to figure out cures to every fucking disease. | ||
| Or the strong people will just start bashing the fuck out of the smart people. | ||
| That's possible too. | ||
| But then eventually they would breed smart people. | ||
| We're in a middle state right now because I wouldn't say it's the smartest people controlling the world right now. | ||
| It's just the cunts. | ||
| Smartest people I've ever been. | ||
| Smartest cunts. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But they're cunts. | ||
| They're really smart people like Bill Gates. | ||
| They're not really controlling the world. | ||
| I mean, they have a massive business and everything like that, but they're not directing overseas campaigns to get these minerals and fuck up governments. | ||
| No, you know what he's controlling, Bill Gates? | ||
| Curing malaria. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking great things. | ||
| Great things. | ||
| He's just donating billions of dollars. | ||
| Isn't it amazing how... | ||
| Steve Jobs always got the reputation as being the cool guy who's green and great for the world. | ||
| Meanwhile, Bill Gates is the guy that's donating money for schools. | ||
| He's done crazy humanitarian shit. | ||
| Malaria Research Institute, or whatever it's called, they're like, we're done without him. | ||
| As soon as he stops giving, we're out. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Have you seen his house? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| The all green thing? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| What's it like? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| What's it like? | ||
| There's a design for it online. | ||
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| It's built... | ||
| First of all, he has a submarine. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's got a door underneath his fucking house where he can, like, open up and... | ||
| What? | ||
| And bring the fucking submarine in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Up? | |
| Yes. | ||
| It's just not crazy. | ||
| Like, it opens. | ||
| He can bring it in and pull the submarine up. | ||
| Like in those old C-Lab shows or whatever when they came in? | ||
| I hope I didn't make this up. | ||
| What if he's just crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I got a door. | |
| It's an incredible state-of-the-art building. | ||
| It's like a garage for a submarine. | ||
| Yeah, it's on like a sound. | ||
| It's on like the ocean or a lake or something like that. | ||
| And it's this amazing fucking house. | ||
| Like the top-of-the-line technology. | ||
| In every room, you walk in, you wear a pendant. | ||
| And the pendant gives your particular ID out to all these different sensors. | ||
| So as you enter a room, your particular lighting comes on, it goes to your temperature, your music starts playing. | ||
| So, wow. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| So you leave one room, I'll come in, it'll just change. | ||
| We're talking about Bill Gates' house. | ||
| You're such a fucking space case. | ||
| I was thinking about which president I wanted to fuck. | ||
| Yeah, Bill Gates is like that. | ||
| We were talking about Bill Gates. | ||
| I know, but I was still thinking about which president I wanted to fuck. | ||
| Dude, that happens on POTS sometimes if I'm talking to somebody and they'll be yapping and my mind will just go elsewhere. | ||
| I'll be like, hey... | ||
| Can you back up on 30 seconds? | ||
| I didn't hear any of this. | ||
| See, I was thinking like JFK because I don't know if it was just like the Instagram colored look of all the film that you see JFK in. | ||
| It's kind of cool. | ||
| But I think I would say Lincoln just for that. | ||
| Because that's kind of cool to sleep with Lincoln. | ||
| JFK, you know, JFK would probably be the most likely to fuck you. | ||
| He was living in crazy times. | ||
| You were allowed to fuck any of them. | ||
| JFK apparently was like the biggest freak of all time. | ||
| I already had a compound. | ||
| Oh, you would fuck them? | ||
| Physically fuck them? | ||
| Yeah, you would have to fuck them. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They got to fuck you, I thought. | ||
| Oh, you have to fuck them? | ||
| No, you have to fuck them. | ||
| Then Grover Cleveland, one of those fat guys. | ||
| I'm going to fuck them. | ||
| Nixon? | ||
| I'm going to fuck Nixon. | ||
| Well, I try to get the secrets out of him. | ||
| Just to fuck him. | ||
| Now, which one would you want to make love with? | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Lincoln, because he freed the slaves and he probably had already had experience with men. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Ari, what about you? | ||
| I mean, like... | ||
| We're trying to last as long as we can, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whichever one you want to fuck, and everyone will know about it. | |
| We're trying to enjoy this moment. | ||
| Are we going condom or no condom? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No condom. | |
| This is love, bro. | ||
| This is love. | ||
| Plus, there were barely any diseases back then. | ||
| There were lighter diseases, but you had to scrape yourself free if you had something. | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You had to reach up there with utensils. | ||
| They died! | ||
| Didn't Al Capone, didn't he die of syphilis? | ||
| Syphilis, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, syphilis would kill people. | ||
| Have you ever seen pictures of people who have really long-term or advanced syphilis? | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, it's an evil disease. | ||
| It's crazy that we give each other diseases by fucking. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It just attacks that area. | ||
| Like a lot of them, that's the only way to get it. | ||
| You don't get herpes by shaking hands. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you can get flu by shaking hands. | ||
| If you shook a dick's hand, you probably could. | ||
| You shook a dick's hand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, no. | |
| If you actually touched a herpes dick or herpetic penis, you'd be fine. | ||
| No, if you had a cut on your finger. | ||
| No, there's no hand herpes. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| There's no hand herpes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You sure? | |
| No, you wouldn't get it on your hand. | ||
| Lips and dick. | ||
| Lips and dick. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It has to be like an open area. | ||
| Why would that be? | ||
| I don't know, because those areas are... | ||
| Yeah, but the genital herpes, that's all over the place sometimes, right? | ||
| No, just in your genitals. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Just general area. | ||
| No, you can get it, like, in your legs, too. | ||
| In your legs? | ||
| You can get it in your eyeball. | ||
| Yeah, there's a type of it. | ||
| Yeah, and you can get it in your forehead, too. | ||
| There's, like, shingles, too, which is, like, another advanced form of herpes. | ||
| Yeah, it's a different kind of herpes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a jerk. | |
| The worst I ever got was warts. | ||
| I think you can get shingles on your back. | ||
| Those are going to just burn off. | ||
| Yeah, they cook those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They cook them off. | |
| But then you have that juice inside you forever. | ||
| You would fuck Obama when it comes out. | ||
| Obama? | ||
| You'd fuck Obama? | ||
| I just see Ari being wanting to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I didn't consider Obama. | |
| Yeah, you'd go black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you'd go black. | |
| Of course! | ||
| I would get people off my back so much. | ||
| Did you see the video of the guy who claimed that he was Obama's lover and that they had shared oral sex? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You ever heard this guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| I could see that. | ||
| Obama's gay lover. | ||
| Just pull up in Confessions of a Gay Obama Lover. | ||
| Confessions of a Gay Obama Lover? | ||
| Yeah, the guy was so ridiculous. | ||
| Damn, he's got a nice ass. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Confession of Obama's Gay Lover? | ||
| He was, they were interviewing him about it, and he, it's just so ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, that's the guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My name is Larry Sinclair. | |
| You've got to first really get his team. | ||
| This is a Judge Apatow movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I flew out of Colorado Springs, Colorado to Chicago on November 2nd, 1999. Arriving in O'Hare early in the morning of November 3rd. | |
| I went to the Chicago area to attend the graduation of my godson, my best friend's son, from basic training from the Great Lakes Navy Training Facility. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I made reservations at the Comfort Inn and Suites in Gurney, Illinois, based solely on the location to the training center. | |
| On November 5, 1999, I hired the services of a five-star limousine. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| A lot of details on this guy's story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hired them both for November 5 and November 6 of 1999. On November 6, 1999, I asked the limo driver, whose name I now reveal for the first time, You just went out to pronounce it! | |
| Mr. Mutani understood that I was looking for someone who knew Chicago and would enjoy socializing. | ||
| Mr. Mutani said he knew someone who was a friend of his. | ||
| On November 6, 1999, after picking me up at the hotel in Gurney, and this is significant, Mr. Mutani used his cell phone to make a call. | ||
| That call was made to then Illinois State Senator Barack Obama to set up an introduction between myself and Senator Obama. | ||
| Upon arriving at the bar and exiting the limo, Senator Obama... | ||
| Is he claiming to be a hooker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you just hit the space bar? | |
| No. | ||
| Doesn't work? | ||
| No. | ||
| Whoa, hold on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What just happened? | ||
| The guy's saying that he fucked Obama. | ||
| And so he gave all those details in order to be corroborative? | ||
| Well, he gave all those details because he's a moron. | ||
| Yeah, it was such a long part of the story. | ||
| Kiss and tell, buddy. | ||
| Also, when you're doing a press conference, you have 20 minutes to kill. | ||
| So this guy called. | ||
| He got his limo driver to call. | ||
| Hey, show me some good dick. | ||
| And Obama's like, man, you let me know when someone's looking for dick. | ||
| Oh, you drive a limo? | ||
| Oh, you drive a limo? | ||
| Listen, I'm a senator, and I'm thinking about being a president, but if you see some dick, I'll abandon all that shit. | ||
| I don't believe it, though. | ||
| No, of course not! | ||
| The guy's nuts! | ||
| The guy, he reeks of being full of shit. | ||
| And he's not just like, we had a relationship in college, it's like... | ||
| He's a crazy person. | ||
| He's a random, like, call me up and I'll just fuck somebody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| The story is so preposterous. | ||
| What if it was real? | ||
| Do you think he took... | ||
| Abe Lincoln was a vampire. | ||
| Gay sounding lessons from the Republican convention like he has to act like this? | ||
| That would have ruined Obama. | ||
| I don't believe that it's real, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because look at what happened with Clinton. | ||
| Who would have ever believed that there was a president, and he was, you know, in his 50s, and he was, you know, in the White House, and he was having a 20-year-old girl blow, and he was shooting loads on her dress. | ||
| Who would have believed that? | ||
| Yeah, no way. | ||
| Poppers. | ||
| Sucking a cigar in and out of her. | ||
| Who would have believed that he would have thought she would have kept her mouth shut? | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She did. | |
| It was the other one who dragged her in, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The ugly friend. | ||
| Think about that position that he was in. | ||
| The President of the United States is literally at the top of the food chain of human beings on the planet. | ||
| As far as the most prestigious position... | ||
| Yeah, in the world. | ||
| In the world, period. | ||
| I mean, it just is. | ||
| I don't care how much you love being from Ireland or England or wherever you're from. | ||
| Top ten. | ||
| That guy, the president of... | ||
| Even if you don't respect it... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Pope? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The president? | ||
| The Pope can't fuck with the president. | ||
| The president of bombs. | ||
| The president can control the military. | ||
| There's no comparison. | ||
| The Pope's a joke. | ||
| The Pope's got religious nuts, though. | ||
| He gets those chicks. | ||
| They can kill them with bombs. | ||
| Oh, yeah, if there was a war between them. | ||
| It's a war between the President and the Pope. | ||
| The President wins every time. | ||
| He just sends all those pictures they've saved up for years of all those guys getting their dick sucked by little boys. | ||
| They just release those all over the internet, and there's a massive campaign against the Vatican. | ||
| Yeah, they're not the strongest place right now. | ||
| If there was ever a position where the United States went to war with the Vatican, we wouldn't use bombs. | ||
| We'd use pictures of them blowing kids. | ||
| Release more and more of those over the five-year period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They didn't have to be real, man. | ||
| I mean, how many fucking Photoshop artists are there that work for the military? | ||
| Luckily, there's plenty that they can find that are real because they're constantly doing it. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| All you have to do is set hidden cameras up or follow these fucks wherever they go and you're going to find a certain percentage of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| All you have to do is give them all flip phones and I'm sure some of them will just record themselves. | ||
| Well, you know, I've heard it argued online especially, and it's really a fucking potent argument, a scary argument, that the entire Catholic religion at its highest levels exists for all these gay guys. | ||
| I can believe that. | ||
| They covered it up at the highest level. | ||
| They not just covered it up and sent the guy on their way. | ||
| Covered it up. | ||
| Yeah, it's a culture of... | ||
| That's from the Vatican. | ||
| A lot of them accept it. | ||
| A lot of the boys accept the position. | ||
| So a lot of the boys like it. | ||
| And so they think that it's good. | ||
| They think that they're doing a good thing. | ||
| There's literally things that Ratzinger saw. | ||
| Ratzinger, who's the guy who's the Pope right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Pope Benedict. | ||
| Oh, the Nazi one. | ||
| He's my Hitler Youth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| But there's letters by this fucking guy that this guy had under his review where these cardinals or bishops or whatever the fuck they were, were actually specifically targeting boys that had come from broken families. | ||
| They were asking for boys from broken families. | ||
| Because they wanted people that couldn't fight back as much. | ||
| They didn't have anywhere to go. | ||
| They didn't have a family that they can call. | ||
| They didn't have a father that would come over and beat your ass. | ||
| Those are the people choosing how you act in your religion. | ||
| Lent, how long that lasts, and what you have to do this year, whether or not condoms are legal. | ||
| Those are the people choosing. | ||
| You can't be Catholic anymore! | ||
| You can't! | ||
| Silly bitches. | ||
| You just can't! | ||
| Be another Christian! | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's all dumb. | ||
| But Catholicism is one of the worst. | ||
| It's a cult of people who are dressed up like fucking genies. | ||
| They're dressed up like these crazy wizard outfits with Giant fish head hats and they're waving golden wands. | ||
| It's 2012 and these assholes are dressed up like they're like a fucking Harry Potter character. | ||
| I mean, it's preposterous. | ||
| The idea that that still exists and that we still take that seriously. | ||
| My God, that's incredible. | ||
| I mean, it's really incredible. | ||
| And, you know, people go, oh, you're so ignorant. | ||
| You know, you hate religion. | ||
| You hate... | ||
| I hate everything that stinks like shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shove down everybody's throat. | ||
| You can't even bring something up that goes against them. | ||
| Oh, you don't want to have to give people fucking birth control if we're Christian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, ugh. | ||
| If I'm Jewish, I don't have to let people get bacon with the money I give them? | ||
| What are you arguing about? | ||
| When all the fucking Christians don't let anyone do anything. | ||
| They think they run everything. | ||
| You can't get birth control to girls because Catholics don't want to have to offer that to people? | ||
| Well, Catholics think that birth control is actually bad. | ||
| So then don't take it. | ||
| The Pope tells you that you're not supposed to be using condoms. | ||
| You're not supposed to be using birth control. | ||
| You're supposed to be having sex for procreation only. | ||
| Yeah, so that's what they should do. | ||
| It's got nothing to do with what your employees need. | ||
| That's why boys have a boy pussy. | ||
| If you're a Christian scientist, you can't deny all healthcare to your workers because you don't believe in healthcare. | ||
| Yeah, well there's... | ||
| You just don't do it yourself. | ||
| There's certainly that. | ||
| That's certainly a problem if you're an employer. | ||
| But I think overall the real problem is that it's an ideology. | ||
| And it's an ideology that's based on just some shit that's written down. | ||
| And the idea that there's a God is not a preposterous idea. | ||
| If you look at the underlying code of the universe, it's really the whole Fibonacci sequence that reoccurs in nature over and over again. | ||
| There's this constant drive towards complexity. | ||
| It may very well be coincidence. | ||
| Or it may be that there's some sort of an Yeah. | ||
| being a person. | ||
| We anthropomorphize. | ||
| That's what we do when you have an animal and you put it in a human context. | ||
| I mean, whatever, however you would describe that, putting a god, a deity into a human context. | ||
| I think that's ridiculous. | ||
| I think the idea of it even being remotely like our consciousness is ridiculous. | ||
| But it's not ridiculous that there's some sort of a higher order. | ||
| It doesn't seem to me. | ||
| But what's ridiculous is all these stupid old stories that everybody's basing their life on. | ||
| Circumcising kids and not eating pork. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| No water during the day. | ||
| There are zero proofs for this. | ||
| You can do it if you want, but don't fucking tell anyone else. | ||
| Who cares what anyone else does? | ||
| They don't have to do your shit. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| But the problem is... | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that really have a hard time thinking for themselves. | ||
| And they are happier when someone comes along and they offer them a predetermined pattern they can follow. | ||
| That's why religion works for a lot of people. | ||
| Alright, so do it yourself. | ||
| Don't force on anybody else. | ||
| It's stupid, but do it yourself if you want to do it. | ||
| And then I think the problem with that is that when someone's doing something, they want other people to do it too. | ||
| It's like when dudes go vegan and they get douchey with you. | ||
| How many times have you ever had that happen? | ||
| But they're happy that you're not vegan. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| They're happy that they can look down on you in some way. | ||
| I've had guys like, come on man, you really need to try this. | ||
| You really need to, come on man. | ||
| I'm like, you need to get the fuck away from me. | ||
| If I don't eat these animals, are they going to live forever? | ||
| Is something going to happen? | ||
| Are they going to cure cancer, you stupid fuck? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| You're not going to kill animals. | ||
| What if plants would scream when you cut them down? | ||
| Would you still eat them? | ||
| What if they made like a... | ||
| As you cut the lettuce out of the ground, what if it... | ||
| Oh, that'd be freaky. | ||
| What if they moaned? | ||
| Yeah, would you be upset? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if they loved it? | |
| This is what I was wrong for. | ||
| But there's something, when someone becomes something, when they become a Republican, when they become a Windows user, when they switch on to Sprint, they want you to do it, too. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are weak like that, man. | ||
| They feel better when everybody else is doing the same shit they're doing. | ||
| If they're dressing like Johnny Cash, they want everybody else to dress like Johnny Cash, too. | ||
| Yeah, you can tell them, like, literally, this is the only car that fits into my carport. | ||
| They're like, dude, no, you make a mistake. | ||
| You need to buy American, bro. | ||
| Or they're like, Ford over Chevy. | ||
| You ever hear? | ||
| I'm a Ford guy, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that makes a lot of sense. | |
| I'm a Ford guy, bro. | ||
| I'll always be a Ford guy until I die, bro. | ||
| You know what's funny is Ford Escorts. | ||
| Remember how gross that car used to be? | ||
| The Escort was the worst car. | ||
| It's like the grossest car ever. | ||
| And you called an escort? | ||
| That was before escorts were escorts. | ||
| Back then they were prostitutes. | ||
| They called after the car? | ||
| They were still escorts back then. | ||
| Have you ever tempoed an escort? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Things like that. | ||
| Templed an escort? | ||
| Tabernacle? | ||
| I can't even remember. | ||
| Tempoed an escort. | ||
| Did you ever have an escort? | ||
| No, I never got an escort. | ||
| I've never had somebody walk around with me. | ||
| Oh, a car you mean? | ||
| Yeah, Ford is the only company that didn't take money from the government in his bailouts, and they're still doing great. | ||
| Who paid them back already? | ||
| Somebody already just paid them fully back. | ||
| No, it's not true. | ||
| Nobody paid back? | ||
| They try to say that they paid them back fully, but apparently there's a lot of funky malarkey that... | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I'm not a big financial guy, but the way it's been explained to me is like, no. | ||
| It seems like they've clearly taken away the idea that we have any say in it, so it's like, all right. | ||
| Let's actually find out so that we don't misinform people. | ||
| Auto bailout. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bailout. | |
| Payback, right? | ||
| What, Ryan? | ||
| Your mouth is agape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just done. | |
| Like you're about to murmur or something. | ||
| I went to the hardware store last night. | ||
| Thinks we're talking about Bill Gates still. | ||
| You know who has a house like that? | ||
| Okay, here's the issue. | ||
| But while we're still on the subject, because I did know that there was something wrong about this. | ||
| In the Washington Examiner, they have an article, rather, The Truth Behind Chrysler's Fake Auto Bailout Payback. | ||
| And apparently there's a lot of fucking... | ||
| Funny accounting. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| American taxpayers have already spent more than $13 billion bailing out. | ||
| Chrysler, the Obama administration, already forgave more than $4 billion of that debt when the company filed for bankruptcy. | ||
| Taxpayers are never going to get that money back. | ||
| But how is Chrysler going to pay off the rest of the $7.6 billion they own the Treasury Department? | ||
| The answer is the Obama administration's bailout agreement Fiat gave the Italian car company an incremental call option that allows it to buy up to 16% of Chrysler stock at a reduced rate. | ||
| But in order to exercise that option, first it had to pay back at least $3.5 billion of the loan to the Treasury Department. | ||
| Fiat is renting them. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's not like Chrysler became ballers and paid all the money back and like, thanks, it worked. | ||
| There's a lot of other shit going on behind the scenes. | ||
| People are buying things and selling things. | ||
| You should pee. | ||
| I would love it if America made all the best shit. | ||
| I would think it would be amazing if we could pull out of this and all of a sudden make fucking badass cars. | ||
| I would like to support that. | ||
| If you buy a German car, you know that those people, they're not slave laborers. | ||
| But if you buy a car, if they start selling cars that are made in China, like Foxconn starts making cars... | ||
| That's a tricky situation to be in. | ||
| I would way rather pay more if I could afford it, of course, obviously. | ||
| Way rather pay more if I knew that the people who made my car got a good wage. | ||
| Wouldn't you? | ||
| I've always bought Fords. | ||
| I like Fords. | ||
| I want to get a Ford Mustang next, I think. | ||
| That or a Charger. | ||
| I've always bought Fords. | ||
| Charger's not a Ford boy. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| That's a Chrysler. | ||
| Chrysler's full of shit. | ||
| Didn't you hear what I just said? | ||
| The Chrysler looks nice, though. | ||
| They look dope. | ||
| That charge is one of the best shapes out there. | ||
| They nailed it. | ||
| They made a modern version of the 1970s and 1960s muscle car. | ||
| They did it. | ||
| They fucking nailed it. | ||
| They nailed it with the Camaro, too. | ||
| The new Camaro. | ||
| Nailed it. | ||
| I saw a crazy-looking red one with black stripes the other day. | ||
| I saw a yellow one the other day. | ||
| Aubrey was driving one. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| They're great shape. | ||
| I wouldn't buy a yellow car, though. | ||
| I wouldn't buy that car, yeah. | ||
| There's something about a yellow car that just, man, it's hard to prove you're not a douchebag. | ||
| Mine's orange, man. | ||
| I've got nacho orange. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At least all the Mexicans love me, but it's like a creepy orange. | |
| Nacho orange, all the Mexicans love you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what you call it? | |
| Fiesta orange. | ||
| Fiesta orange is what Ari calls it. | ||
| Fiesta Orange? | ||
| Because it feels like a Fiesta. | ||
| Yeah, it's like getting a Dorito. | ||
| It's like a party. | ||
| Do you think that they just had an extra gallon of that paint? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| That's why I got it so cheap, because it was that color. | ||
| But now I want to murder that car. | ||
| That car's great, Ryan. | ||
| You have a great car. | ||
| For an American car also, that's amazing. | ||
| It's about as nice as it gets, except for the new Cadillacs. | ||
| The new Cadillacs are just about the best American cars that have ever been built. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some new Cadillac CTS-V and the CTS-V Coupe. | ||
| You're in Blade Runner. | ||
| Yeah, Romney has nine of those. | ||
| He has nine of them? | ||
| Yeah, I'm joking. | ||
| He said his wife had two Cadillacs when he's trying to relate to the U.S. auto workers. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Did he really say that? | ||
| He goes, in fact, I own an American car. | ||
| In fact, my wife drives a Cadillac. | ||
| In fact, she drives two Cadillacs. | ||
| And you see all his advisors going, oh, goddammit, man. | ||
| You stupid fuck. | ||
| Why couldn't you say one, you dumb cunt? | ||
| He also said the same thing. | ||
| He goes, I love auto racing. | ||
| I've always loved auto racing. | ||
| I've been a big fan. | ||
| A lot of my friends are owners. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| No, don't say that. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You're killing us. | ||
| Hey, do you want to go racing? | ||
| Have you ever had a desire to race cars? | ||
| Get in cars and go around a track? | ||
| Remember that What's It Called place? | ||
| Did you go in that? | ||
| What a car place? | ||
| Oh, Atlanta. | ||
| Yeah, Ari was with me when we did... | ||
| Yeah, I went around the track. | ||
| I did some sort of a hosting thing for a Mini Cooper versus Porsche challenge. | ||
| It was a race that they had in a really closed circuit, so like the big engine of the Porsche didn't allow it to overtake the Mini Cooper, which is speed. | ||
| It was all just about agility and real usable speed. | ||
| It's pretty fucking impressive that a Mini Cooper was only like a couple of seconds behind a Porsche in this race around these cones. | ||
| I love those guys too. | ||
| They're like, are you guys going to win? | ||
| They're like, we'll see. | ||
| And then they didn't. | ||
| They didn't think they were going to win. | ||
| They're like, probably not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't even... | |
| They just made a party for their owners. | ||
| Well, they didn't even get the sport version. | ||
| Mini Cooper... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| No, they had a regular version. | ||
| Have you seen the wagon one? | ||
| That's actually really cool. | ||
| They have a regular version? | ||
| Apparently, they had all the people from the Mini Cooper clubs and all that shit come down. | ||
| Because people get fanatic about those cars. | ||
| Just like... | ||
| Clubs and shit. | ||
| They're apparently the most fun to drive. | ||
| They had a barbecue. | ||
| They invited any mini coupe owner to come down and get free barbecue. | ||
| I got a chance to drive it a little bit, but it was only around this small course. | ||
| They're real agile little cars. | ||
| It's like a go-kart. | ||
| It's so small and so light. | ||
| There's something fun in that, man. | ||
| So, what's his... | ||
| I remember I just got so high. | ||
| I was like, you were like, I gotta work, so you do whatever you want to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All I did was just get obliterated in Atlanta. | ||
| We got obliterated. | ||
| Because I had no work to do. | ||
| It was hot as fuck that day. | ||
| Remember how hot it was? | ||
| Yeah, it was sweltering. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Atlanta gets that crazy, funky hot. | ||
| Wait, so when are you going racing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soon. | |
| Okay. | ||
| I have a friend who... | ||
| I mean, they're not... | ||
| I don't want to like... | ||
| Have a competition or anything like that. | ||
| Just go around a track real fast. | ||
| Let's play chicken. | ||
| If you want to, in Burbank, they have an indoor adult go-kart track. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That'd be really fun. | ||
| I guess they go really fast. | ||
| How fast do they go? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The owner of the ice house does it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, let's do that. | ||
| Yeah, you know, there's a laser tag place up here, too. | ||
| They still have laser tag? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should do all those things, though. | ||
| No, we should do all those things. | ||
| What about shoot guns? | ||
| You ever shoot guns? | ||
| Paintball. | ||
| I have. | ||
| I love shooting guns. | ||
| Why don't you do that? | ||
| Let's go shoot guns. | ||
| I want to shoot fish. | ||
| Gun range? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a barrel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fish. | |
| No, like put fish up and then try to shoot fish so they explode. | ||
| In the air? | ||
| Like dead fish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would you do that? | |
| It's a waste of fish. | ||
| Like toss things up? | ||
| Pick a gross fish. | ||
| Filthy American. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I'll fire guns into the air. | ||
| Guns in the air? | ||
| Just shoot them in the air? | ||
| Is that what you mean? | ||
| Like pull and just throw a fish up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Like put them on a target and then shoot them from far and try to blow up a fish. | ||
| Oh, you don't mean like throw them in the air and then try to shoot them out of the sky? | ||
| No. | ||
| I went to one skeet shooting with Sean Miller in Indianapolis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| Yeah, it's great fun. | ||
| You pull and you just fall and you see it explode. | ||
| It's exciting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, ah! | |
| Yeah, it's like, I mean, when you play pool and you make a pine ball. | ||
| And everyone hangs out there. | ||
| They have a pro area where everyone hangs out. | ||
| Just like in pool, people would hang out. | ||
| Or any place where people just chill. | ||
| A golf room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a buddy, Justin. | ||
| Everyone's into it. | ||
| They have competitions where you go through a maze and things come up. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| And you blast them and you get a score. | ||
| And then you go into a certain area. | ||
| Well, this is Bullets. | ||
| Yeah, that was the cop. | ||
| What was the cop movies? | ||
| Cop movies? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| You killed a civilian again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What were those cop movies? | ||
| Lethal Weapon? | ||
| No, the funny ones with Steve Guttenberg. | ||
| With Steve Guttenberg. | ||
| There were five of them. | ||
| Police Academy? | ||
| Police Academy. | ||
| Yeah, they had to go through those courses. | ||
| Steve Kutenberg. | ||
| And Tackleberry, who died. | ||
| There was this thing on Halloween where you would pay money and they had like a hundred people dressed up as zombies and you were on top of a building and they all just start coming towards you and it's paintball and you just shoot them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they just fall? | |
| It was in Santa Monica. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, that's a great idea. | |
| They wanted us to come down because we were going to have them on the podcast. | ||
| And then what do they do when they get a hold of you? | ||
| No, you just shoot them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're dead. | |
| They're slowly climbing up, you know, and you just... | ||
| And then they have to fall when they get shot? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't do it. | ||
| So they're slowly coming in on you like the scene from Thriller. | ||
| Yeah, they're hoarding you. | ||
| This is like Call of Duty. | ||
| Whoa, that's dangerous, man. | ||
| They're eventually going to have a game, like the world's most deadly game. | ||
| Remember that movie? | ||
| The Deadliest Game, whatever it was. | ||
| I think they redid it with Ice-T. Yeah. | ||
| They redid it with Ice-T. I don't think Gary Busey also was hunting him. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Ice-T was the one being hunted. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's when Ice-D had like crazy dreadlocks. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Yeah, but there was an old version of it. | ||
| It's like the Deadliest Games. | ||
| Really old. | ||
| It was like a Russian military guy who was like crazy and depraved. | ||
| Brought these people to his island and would hunt them down. | ||
| And the reason why I remember this is because I've been watching this show called Naked City. | ||
| Have you seen this show? | ||
| Not that one. | ||
| Oh, Hidden City. | ||
| Sorry, not Naked City. | ||
| Hidden City. | ||
| Hidden City is all this Marcus Shackey guy. | ||
| He's a crime novelist. | ||
| And he goes to all these different towns and finds out the really fucked up stories in this town. | ||
| Like all the crazy murders and shit that hasn't... | ||
| That haven't been solved. | ||
| And one of them was a dude who would pick up hookers and he would take them in a plane in Alaska, pick them up, handcuff them, put them in his plane, and then fly them to an island and let them loose. | ||
| And then he would go and hunt them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He would bring a rifle and he would let them loose and just go, you better run. | ||
| You better run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You better fucking run. | |
| I'm coming after you, bitch. | ||
| And then he would go after them. | ||
| He'd hunt them. | ||
| He'd track them down. | ||
| They'd be like in the snow. | ||
| So he'd be like tracking them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was like the thrill of actually tracking them. | ||
| He'd fucking blow them away. | ||
| And then he would keep their licenses and shit. | ||
| And that's how they caught him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| He went into his attic. | ||
| His attic. | ||
| He had driver's licenses of all these different women that he killed. | ||
| Because they had searched this place once. | ||
| They couldn't find anything. | ||
| And they had to search this place again. | ||
| And when they searched this place again, they found it in the attic. | ||
| You shouldn't keep mementos. | ||
| They can't help themselves. | ||
| They say those people want to be caught, but I don't think that's what it is. | ||
| I think they just like keeping them mementos. | ||
| Well, they look back at those mementos, and they get excited. | ||
| It's trophies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think it's like, I'm looking to get caught, though. | ||
| I think they're looking not to, and keep these things. | ||
| You get more complacent the more you do it. | ||
| I blame my mom. | ||
| She always had that book when you were a kid, and I had a little lock of your hair and stuff like that, and I always was attracted to a lot of locks of hairs with the girls that I date. | ||
| What? | ||
| Would you ever, if it was on the menu, would you try human meat? | ||
| No. | ||
| You would never do it? | ||
| It's supposed to taste just like pork. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and you can always eat pork. | ||
| So why would I try human meat? | ||
| I don't want to know what that tastes like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Apparently, though. | ||
| You obviously would. | ||
| It must be distinguishable, because, well, you can go to Liberia and you can get some, apparently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, go crazy. | |
| Not anymore. | ||
| The war's done now. | ||
| The war's done, so they're not serving any more human meat? | ||
| Charles Taylor's in the Hague. | ||
| Charles Taylor is the guy who was the horrible war criminal. | ||
| He was the bad-assest one. | ||
| Crazy fucking name. | ||
| Charles Taylor. | ||
| Sounds like the guy who created peanuts. | ||
| They destroyed their own infrastructure. | ||
| They needed stuff to tie people up with, so they just used telephone wire. | ||
| They would cut it down and just use that. | ||
| So we're like, oh, now we have no telephone lines. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| They had to test their rockets out, so they're like, let me show you how much I can blow up this dam, and then you show me how much that rocket can blow up this dam. | ||
| They blow up their own... | ||
| They just blow up dams. | ||
| They're so stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The whole... | ||
| The Liberia is so frightening. | ||
| And the fact that it used to be a U.S. slave colony. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how it started. | ||
| It's all better now. | ||
| Slaves came from Liberia or from America and went back to Africa. | ||
| That was the port. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's better now? | ||
| In what way? | ||
| Charlestale is gone. | ||
| They're trying to redo everything. | ||
| It's still a mess, man. | ||
| That Vice Guide to Liberia was pretty recent. | ||
| They were over there. | ||
| It's still crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, there's parts of the world where how the fuck do you fix Africa? | ||
| Look at all the different... | ||
| Look at Uganda. | ||
| That's a long, long, long project. | ||
| They wanted to give Jews Uganda. | ||
| Get them Jewish? | ||
| They wanted to give the Jews Uganda. | ||
| Instead of Israel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So listen, figure this place out. | ||
| There's a lot of talk about that. | ||
| When was this? | ||
| No, no, no, way before that. | ||
| I guess the 40s and 30s? | ||
| So, before Israel. | ||
| After the war, they were like, we need to give them some place to go. | ||
| Clearly, we've shown enough times. | ||
| So, explain to me how the whole Israel thing worked. | ||
| Because at one point in time, the Palestinians lived there, but no, Jews lived there already? | ||
| There were a bunch of different migrations. | ||
| Well, Jews lived there, and Arabs lived there, a long time ago, and then one of the Roman kings came and dispersed the Jews. | ||
| Like, Kill them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Just, like, extinguish them. | ||
| Go to Europe. | ||
| Go to Africa. | ||
| Just go. | ||
| Kicked them out of Israel. | ||
| Kicked them all out. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| This we're talking about, like, this is way after Jesus, I think. | ||
| I think. | ||
| Because Jews were around when Jesus was there. | ||
| Way after Jesus. | ||
| And after one temple was destroyed, then the Jews wouldn't go back until they rebuilt the second temple. | ||
| Then they did. | ||
| Then they came back. | ||
| When that was destroyed and they were kicked out, they slowly started coming back here or there. | ||
| So like in 1910, there was a big migration. | ||
| 1912. Big migration of European Jews to Israel. | ||
| What temple was it where the Romans got all the way up to the top and the Jews had killed each other? | ||
| Masada. | ||
| It wasn't a temple. | ||
| It was the last enclave of defense. | ||
| They were resisting. | ||
| So what did they do? | ||
| What was the story? | ||
| They went up there. | ||
| It was one of those things that one of the Roman kings built for this getaway, this sweet, sweet getaway. | ||
| It's really awesome, actually. | ||
| They had these hot baths, and they would empty out the part of the mountain underneath it so they could heat it up. | ||
| And so they would go up, but the ceilings were curved down because they knew that if they were flat, the water drops would hit and just form and then hit you. | ||
| It was really unpleasant, so they made them all curved so the water would run down the curved ceilings and not drip onto you. | ||
| Yeah, just really great design things. | ||
| But anyway, as the Jews are being pushed out, saying convert or leave or die, I guess some of them, the last defenses, pushed back to there. | ||
| And they realized there's only one way up. | ||
| So they could just shoot down arrows at people. | ||
| At the Romans, they couldn't get up there. | ||
| Until they started using Jewish slaves as human shields. | ||
| And then started marching up. | ||
| But also there, they had enough food and water to last them for so long. | ||
| So they were like, we'll wait you out. | ||
| We'll just wait you out for years. | ||
| They just had them surrounded. | ||
| Whoa, for years? | ||
| Yeah, they had that much supplies. | ||
| And then eventually, I think the human slaves, then they were like, all right, we're not going to kill our own. | ||
| So what do we got to do? | ||
| And I think they all killed each other. | ||
| Well, we're not going to kill our own, so we'll kill our own. | ||
| Yeah, we'll just all commit suicide. | ||
| We're dead anyway. | ||
| So how'd they commit suicide? | ||
| What'd they use? | ||
| They used swords, right? | ||
| Swords? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| A lot of it, wasn't it? | ||
| Where'd they get poison? | ||
| It wouldn't be poison. | ||
| Where'd they have that much poison? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think they would. | |
| Have that much poison laying around? | ||
| I heard that it was done in a very primal way. | ||
| It could be swords. | ||
| It could have been swords. | ||
| And I know the last guy had to do it to himself. | ||
| And they had to choose who was going to be that last guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, that's what it is. | ||
| They don't want to commit suicide because you don't go to heaven. | ||
| So you would kill another person so you don't have to kill yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So the last guy. | |
| The last guy had to commit suicide. | ||
| Or he just didn't. | ||
| And he's like, look at all these juice shields everywhere. | ||
| Oh, you just run at the Romans. | ||
| Like, come on, bitch. | ||
| Let them kill you. | ||
| Or go, oh, you guys came up this way? | ||
| I came up back over there. | ||
| The Jews are all dead. | ||
| That's probably what I would do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Let's get out. | ||
| He stole my clothes and then died. | ||
| Roman outfit Wow What a fucking crazy time to be alive That must have been You have to give them to religion or die Isn't that amazing I don't even go to church It just shows you that people have always Had that weird desire to have everyone Else think exactly the way they thought It makes them feel more secure. | ||
| More Christians. | ||
| More Christians. | ||
| The Jews actually never proselytize. | ||
| We don't. | ||
| That's amazing, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Because religion is just as silly as anybody else's. | ||
| Based on the same things as the Christians. | ||
| So how come they figured out to keep to themselves? | ||
| They said, like, you don't have to do this. | ||
| There's no reason you should. | ||
| If you want to, you can, but we're not going to try to push you. | ||
| He was like, do whatever you want. | ||
| At the time of David, they outlawed it. | ||
| Outlawed conversion. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was too popular. | ||
| Too popular? | ||
| Everybody wanted to be a Jew. | ||
| People were just trying to become a Jew just because they were the ruling party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn, so they outlawed it. | ||
| So they said no conversion during this time. | ||
| God, for how long? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Please, I'm fucked. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Now you have to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to ask a bunch of times. | |
| I'm a Gentile. | ||
| I'm just hanging out. | ||
| I don't like these people. | ||
| You have to do that now. | ||
| You have to do that now. | ||
| Worst of the whites! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to be that anymore. | ||
| You pretty much have to do that. | ||
| The rabbi will tell you, like, don't do this. | ||
| You don't want to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You can't eat Big Macs. | ||
| Just trust me. | ||
| You don't want to do this. | ||
| You can't eat Big Macs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're a Jew, you can't eat Big Macs? | ||
| Religious Jew. | ||
| You know that you're supposed to eat hamburgers? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's not kosher meat. | ||
| And it's cheese on there, too. | ||
| Oh, so just that in general. | ||
| But you could have kosher beef burgers? | ||
| You could have a kosher beef burger? | ||
| With soy cheese. | ||
| Oh, the cheese. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| You can't combine milk and meat? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| What's that all about? | ||
| It's pretty much stupidity, just like all the religions. | ||
| But it's based on a passage that says, you shall not mix the milk of the mother with the meat of the calf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That wasn't about porn instead or anything else? | ||
| Some sex take that just to be that it's that actual mother and calf. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the case. | ||
| Why can't you get the milk from the mother and then kill the mother and eat her? | ||
| It's the milk of the mother and the meat of the mother. | ||
| That's all right? | ||
| I don't really get it. | ||
| But they just, no meat and milk together. | ||
| No meat and milk. | ||
| You have to wait. | ||
| If you eat pizza, you have to wait 30 minutes before you eat meat. | ||
| What are the odds, though, if you have a fucking piece of meat, that the milk's going to come from the same cow? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| They said that passage means don't mix it to it all. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| Linen and cotton you can't mix. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| You can't... | ||
| If you have like a wool in the linen, that's what it is. | ||
| If you have a wool jacket, you can't have linen things tying in the buttons. | ||
| Because that's evil and you'll go to hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about peanut butter and chocolate? | |
| You go to hell for that. | ||
| No, my favorite one that you told me to this day was that you were told that when you masturbate... | ||
| Masturbate? | ||
| No, Ari grew up extremely religious to the point where he lived... | ||
| You lived on... | ||
| You lived in Israel in Yeshiva for two years. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's... | ||
| And you studied the Torah all day long. | ||
| 9 a.m. | ||
| to 10 p.m.? | ||
| I mean, that is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pretty much. | |
| That's some pretty intense shit. | ||
| And they told you when you masturbated that you were impregnating a demon in the other dimension. | ||
| Let's just say you're on your back, lying down. | ||
| They didn't really do positions back then, or shower. | ||
| Anyway, but when you're doing it, some demon comes, and she's around you, fucking you, as you're fucking your hand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you make, like, demon babies in the afterlife. | ||
| Some writer used this. | ||
| The phage. | ||
| There was some, like... | ||
| Maybe Dean Kuntz. | ||
| Maybe Dean Kuntz. | ||
| You used it in a movie? | ||
| Yeah, there was some... | ||
| No, in a book. | ||
| There was some demon who was, like, writing them and had... | ||
| Anyway, but then you get her pregnant and she has babies every time you do that. | ||
| Every time, you're 100%. | ||
| But those babies never get to be born on Earth. | ||
| They only live in this demon world, and they're deformed and gross. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I forgot about this. | ||
| And then when you get to go to heaven, when you die, you have to meet those demons. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And they go, why, Dad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why couldn't we be born on the regular planet? | |
| Wow. | ||
| Why are we like this, Dad? | ||
| So did you masturbate anyway, even knowing all this? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And what did you think? | ||
| Was this going on while you were living in this really religious environment you were masturbating? | ||
| No, you never stop masturbating. | ||
| I mean, I slowed down. | ||
| I thought it was evil for doing it. | ||
| So you're doing this, you're there 9am to 9pm. | ||
| Did you think, well, that part's bullshit? | ||
| You're studying this intense religious... | ||
| Well, I think there's two types of sins. | ||
| Literally, this is how it is. | ||
| There's two types of sins. | ||
| There's sins you plan out and say, fuck it, I don't agree with that. | ||
| And there's types of gossip where it just happens. | ||
| You're not thinking about it, like, fuck, fuck, I shouldn't have done that. | ||
| I was talking bad about somebody. | ||
| Masturbation is one that just overcomes you. | ||
| I guess it's one that you do plan out because you could just not do it. | ||
| It's not like you accidentally touched it. | ||
| Women, I don't think, have the same. | ||
| They don't have that backup. | ||
| Women want to have sex. | ||
| They get itchy. | ||
| They want to be touched. | ||
| They want affection. | ||
| They get horny. | ||
| But we have a backup of sperm where your dick is like, come on! | ||
| Let's go! | ||
| It's like, you've got to get rid of this shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ, we can't even think. | ||
| You can just get sperm everywhere here. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| When you beat off, did you like, fuck, what about those babies? | ||
| Did you believe that part? | ||
| That part was more like fables. | ||
| It wasn't like the written in the Torah. | ||
| So it was like, this is what the extracurricular stuff. | ||
| The ghosts and shit like that. | ||
| So when would they bring that up? | ||
| They barely brought that up. | ||
| Did they bring it up in class ever? | ||
| Yeah, it would come up. | ||
| We're in discussions with rabbis who studied all that stuff. | ||
| The Zohar, which is like the mystical book. | ||
| But you're not supposed to study that until you're married and 35. What? | ||
| The mystical book? | ||
| Yeah, it said you can't really handle it until you're married and 35. What's that all about? | ||
| It's got all the stuff about ghosts and weird shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ghosts? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| There's ghosts and demons? | ||
| Yeah, and crossing. | ||
| Dude, Judaism sounds like fun. | ||
| It sounds like fun literature. | ||
| You don't get to read it very much. | ||
| I never read the translation of those. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| Maybe I should read it. | ||
| Can you get it online? | ||
| Can you buy it on Amazon.com? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably by now. | |
| You probably can. | ||
| It's probably all written down somewhere, actually. | ||
| But a lot of it would be the exact language. | ||
| You wouldn't get that from translation. | ||
| But you'll get close. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was this piece. | ||
| There was this one piece in the Talmud. | ||
| Which is like a respected, like you're supposed to study it apart. | ||
| And they said this rabbi went to his students who were living in like a dormitory altogether because there was a snake or a dragon that was attacking them every night and killing his students. | ||
| So he had to sleep, and only this rabbi was the one who could defeat it, so he had to sleep under one of their beds. | ||
| So that he could kill this dragon. | ||
| It was a dragon. | ||
| And I asked my rabbi about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, what the fuck is this all about? | |
| It's my wife. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| There's no such thing as dragons. | ||
| Under this bed to suck your cock, and that's how I killed a dragon. | ||
| Yeah, he said there was a rash of jerk-offs going on. | ||
| And the only way this... | ||
| He said they can't really write that out in the Talmud. | ||
| So they had to metaphor it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was a rash of jerk-offs. | ||
| And the only way that could stop it is the rabbi hiding under their bed. | ||
| Saying, I caught you! | ||
| You're masturbating! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| So the dragon that was killing off the children was just them masturbating? | ||
| It was a desire to masturbate. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| It was killing off their spiritual selves. | ||
| Holy shit, that's hilarious. | ||
| But it's not written. | ||
| That metaphor is not explained. | ||
| It's just assumed. | ||
| And you have to ask someone who understands the text. | ||
| Or Rashi would write stuff about it, if you can understand that. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| In the future, people would just think it's just craziness. | ||
| This was an oral tradition, too. | ||
| It wasn't even written down. | ||
| Someone just had to tell you that story. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's what they wrote down when they thought they were going to lose it all. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That is a great fucking story. | ||
| You'd think I'd be making that up, but I'm really not. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| We're so crazy. | ||
| Whenever we have these conversations about religion, it's really interesting because I get so many angry tweets from people. | ||
| People get angry. | ||
| They get so mad. | ||
| You're being an idiot. | ||
| There's literally zero proof for it. | ||
| There's zero proof ever. | ||
| And there's nothing else in your life that you will entertain a conversation over when there is zero proof. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| That's the only thing. | ||
| If someone tried to invent any of those religions today, you would laugh at them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You would say, this is a cult. | ||
| But somehow we can't because everyone's involved in it. | ||
| But it's ridiculous what you're doing. | ||
| Completely ridiculous. | ||
| And I say that it's the enemy of progress because that's not on the table anymore. | ||
| Everything is on the table as far as what is the possibility for the future. | ||
| Cloning, are we allowed? | ||
| What is subatomic particles? | ||
| What are in black holes? | ||
| Everything is really on the table up to discovery until it comes to religion. | ||
| And with religion, that's not on the table. | ||
| If anything is off the table like that, like stem cell research or things along those lines... | ||
| Because of religion. | ||
| Yeah, because of religion. | ||
| Especially when you can get stem cells from skin. | ||
| They're at a point now where you don't need to have embryos. | ||
| You don't need to encourage people to have abortions like they thought the worst case scenario would ever be. | ||
| That people would be encouraged to kill their babies because stem cells from the aborted fetuses would be very valuable. | ||
| That's not even necessary anymore. | ||
| They've passed that and the argument is still there. | ||
| Because of our belief in a God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something that was invented so long ago doesn't apply to you anymore. | ||
| Even if it was invented for a reason, it doesn't apply to you anymore. | ||
| The most ridiculous thing is that if this God did exist, that he wouldn't tell you while you're fucking up left and right and surely sending yourself to hell. | ||
| Just weird little signs. | ||
| Yeah, he would just wait there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What an asshole. | |
| Wait there and go, listen, when you get up here, I know this life has been confusing and everybody's full of shit and they've been telling you these crazy stories, but if you don't listen to them, once you get up here, the infinite wisdom is going to fucking cook you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got mad at God when I started thinking about this stuff. | ||
| It was like, what the fuck? | ||
| So you're telling me that everyone either goes to heaven or doesn't or gets rewarded on the next plane or doesn't based on you've never been explicit and just said, I want you to do this? | ||
| You're just supposed to guess it? | ||
| My Protestant friends were like, if you don't accept Jesus, you're going to hell. | ||
| And I'm like, but your parents were Christian. | ||
| So you're a better chance of accepting Jesus than mine. | ||
| So just because randomly my parents were Jewish, I'm going to burn in hell for eternity? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's ridiculous! | ||
| That's not just God. | ||
| God wouldn't intervene and say, listen, parents, you're teaching your children wrong. | ||
| This is what I like. | ||
| I like them to worship my son. | ||
| If you're a Native American, a hundred years after Jesus came, you've never heard of him. | ||
| But if you don't accept him, you're going to hell. | ||
| You had no chance. | ||
| You go to hell. | ||
| Just go to hell. | ||
| Burn it forever for your sins. | ||
| You know what they say? | ||
| Well, some people believe that Jesus actually went to America and so he told them, Like, one time and then left, and so that was enough for generations. | ||
| Your Protestant friends told you this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all stupid. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| About Jesus in America was the Mormons. | ||
| The Mormons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They believe that he fucking... | ||
| He was the... | ||
| That's where the American Indians came from. | ||
| They were lost. | ||
| Lost Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lost Jews. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This is me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm an Indian. | |
| Indian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is what you're looking at. | |
| That's an Indian. | ||
| That's not ridiculous. | ||
| I used to have a joke about it, but I never really formed it, but this is what it was. | ||
| There's other parts of that same book that say what the Mormons did. | ||
| I've told you this, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where they said he went to the moon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| With more Hebrew people. | ||
| And started a race of people called the Lunarians. | ||
| No. | ||
| Where they still live to this day. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Or at least they were saying that until we went to the moon. | ||
| And then we're like, what's up? | ||
| What is the Lunarians? | ||
| And here's my thing. | ||
| They didn't answer it. | ||
| They just stopped teaching it. | ||
| But this is what they said. | ||
| It was like, oh, well, when we made that up, we didn't think anybody would actually go to the fucking moon to call us on it. | ||
| It was like 200 years ago. | ||
| We're like, oh, yeah, go take your golden ladder to the moon and call me on my lie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's so preposterous. | ||
| Where are the people? | ||
| What are they doing up there? | ||
| There's no atmosphere. | ||
| We didn't know any of that. | ||
| We didn't know shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was 14. Joseph Smith was 14 when he created all that shit. | |
| He understood it. | ||
| When he said he found the gloss tablets, the golden tablets, that only he could read because he had a seer stone. | ||
| He had a magic stone that he was looking at. | ||
| That's who's going to be your next Republican president for Canada. | ||
| Yeah, he believes in all that. | ||
| That's Mitt Romney. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Have you seen the trailer for Prometheus? | ||
| Speaking of ridiculous science fiction. | ||
| A movie? | ||
| The new Ridley Scott movie, the prequel to Alien. | ||
| Oh no, really? | ||
| Don't watch the trailer. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It gives away too much? | ||
| Don't watch the trailer. | ||
| There's too much going on in the trailer. | ||
| There's a few spoilers. | ||
| But god damn does it look good. | ||
| Ooh, it looks good. | ||
| Sigourney Weaver shaved her head? | ||
| No, she's not in this, man. | ||
| Charlize Theron. | ||
| It's a prequel. | ||
| It's a prequel. | ||
| Oh yeah, she wouldn't be in it yet. | ||
| She wouldn't be in it yet. | ||
| She couldn't. | ||
| Charlize Theron is the new badass chick. | ||
| Dude, it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not bad. | |
| It looks fucking tremendous. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I won't watch it then. | ||
| Oh, it looks so good. | ||
| It looks so good. | ||
| When is it coming out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
June. | |
| My dick is hard until June. | ||
| We were talking about Doug Benson at one time about trailers that ruined stuff for you. | ||
| Where there'll be a scene that says, you thought I was dead, didn't you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's not dead. | ||
| Yeah, they try so hard to get you into the movie. | ||
| It really pisses off a lot of the people. | ||
| I'm sure the directors must get so like, what? | ||
| Yeah, you fuckheads. | ||
| You gave away huge plot points. | ||
| There's some movies that it's almost useless to go see them. | ||
| You know what's going to happen. | ||
| Yeah, the first 20 minutes when it's setting up, you're like, I know you're going to become poor. | ||
| I know how the movie goes. | ||
| Just get to it already. | ||
| I love going to a movie that's supposed to be really good, and you don't see any previews for it. | ||
| It's rare that that happens, but man, when it does happen, it's great. | ||
| It happens a lot for me now, because I just download everything, so there's no commercials, so I miss commercials for things. | ||
| This fucking Prometheus looks so good. | ||
| I love a good science fiction movie written by... | ||
| When you have Ridley Scott at the home, it's like, come on, this is going to be tremendous, you know? | ||
| He's really good at it. | ||
| There's not enough of those. | ||
| They need, like, avatars every couple months. | ||
| You know, something along those lines, like something badass like that. | ||
| There's so many crapular ones. | ||
| Terrible ones. | ||
| Can't wait for Avengers. | ||
| I thought that maybe I was getting cynical because, like, movies aren't good anymore. | ||
| But I'm like, maybe it's just me getting older and maybe my parents said the same thing. | ||
| Then I looked at Rotten Tomatoes, which is just an amalgamation of all the, you know what it is, just different. | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| The last nine box offices got shitty reviews. | ||
| Got under 60%. | ||
| And I'm like, that means nobody likes anything that's out. | ||
| It's not just me. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| It's hard to make movies, man. | ||
| I know it's hard. | ||
| Especially hard when you've got a bunch of different people involved. | ||
| Think about how much money it costs to make a movie like The Avengers. | ||
| There's... | ||
| Fucking millions and millions of dollars on the line as far as they have to spend, and then the potential profit is millions and millions more, so there's so many people with so much to say. | ||
| Trying to say, like, don't... | ||
| It's amazing that anything gets done. | ||
| Could you imagine just this podcast or the way these conversations go? | ||
| What if we had somebody in our ear, and every time we started bringing up a certain conversation, you'd be like, cheese it with the best of the whites stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| Stop it with that, Ari. | ||
| Gently guided away from that conversation. | ||
| Back up on that. | ||
| And that's what happens. | ||
| You know, like, look, I've been doing the UFC for, you know, how long? | ||
| Fucking, who knows? | ||
| Is it weird to have them in your ear? | ||
| 97. It's very rare does anybody say anything. | ||
| But once we started going on Fox, the producer actually had to tell me in my ear, the Fox executive was like, tell me to take it down or not. | ||
| Tell me to take it down. | ||
| Like, when I get excited about something, the way I get excited about it, it's natural. | ||
| And I'm pumping it up, but I'm actually fired. | ||
| Of course they like it, but these fucking dummy executives, everybody, I'm not saying the Fox ones, I'm saying pretty much a huge group of, a huge percentage of the group of people that is In the producer position, a lot of them think that they're creative. | ||
| Also, you have to guess. | ||
| You have to guess what everyone's going to be into. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| The most people they're going to be into are turned off by. | ||
| You can't tell me how to deliver the way I deliver. | ||
| I've been doing it forever. | ||
| They either like it or they don't. | ||
| Most people like it. | ||
| If you don't, tough shit. | ||
| If it doesn't sound like you're fucking baseball guys, you're basketball guys, it's not supposed to. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's not supposed to. | ||
| It's a different fucking sport, and this is the way I do it. | ||
| If I was doing football, I probably wouldn't do it this way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're lucky I don't curse. | |
| Yeah, you're lucky I don't curse. | ||
| Well, I'm lucky I got the job. | ||
| Really, I'm lucky too. | ||
| But the whole idea behind going in and saying, oh, we're going to fix all this and fix all that, that's what happens in movies. | ||
| That's what happens on TV shows. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| It would happen in this podcast. | ||
| You're good at hiring a lighting guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If we brought in production people and we said, we're going to move the podcast to the studio, and Bob, I'd like you to produce this. | ||
| Just sort of take some of the strain away from me. | ||
| If you ever have anything to say, just talk in my ear, man. | ||
| Hey, man, I think you better take digits. | ||
| Change that subject. | ||
| This is a bad subject. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Can you imagine how fucking crazy we would go if there was an O'Brien moment and someone would go, hey man, you guys gotta stop that. | ||
| Shut up, man. | ||
| That's why I hate commercial breaks. | ||
| There's podcasts that do commercial breaks. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| I'd rather do it up front. | ||
| Just have a conversation. | ||
| Every few minutes be like, and now we'll be right back. | ||
| Well, no one's doing it. | ||
| Well, these commercials are okay because you're just talking it out. | ||
| And we do get them out of the way. | ||
| Bill Burr does that. | ||
| He went on a rant when he did flowers.com or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just went on a rant because it was Valentine's Day coming up. | ||
| He was like, yeah, you got to buy a girlfriend flowers. | ||
| Go to flowers.com and I'll get whatever present. | ||
| He goes, why the fuck is that still a thing? | ||
| Oh, like they don't get any enjoyment out of it either. | ||
| The sex. | ||
| We have to buy them. | ||
| That still just goes on this tangent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So anyway, so go to flowers.com. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's sort of how we would do it. | ||
| That's a way better way to do it. | ||
| I'm glad he's doing it. | ||
| As a comic, he's the same way I feel. | ||
| You don't want to have to say the same thing over and over again. | ||
| You're doing commercials now too. | ||
| How are you doing your commercials? | ||
| At the beginning. | ||
| I'll say what the episode's about. | ||
| I'll say the stuff I end up with my stand-up. | ||
| And then the sponsors. | ||
| But do you elaborate on the sponsors at all? | ||
| Like, how are you doing it? | ||
| It's like an Amazon deal or Gamefly. | ||
| And you're doing it like, do you do it like the way we're doing it? | ||
| Like, you just start talking whatever you feel about the... | ||
| Yeah, just mention it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just say, this is the deal. | ||
| I hate bothering people, so I usually express that. | ||
| Like, I hate bothering people. | ||
| But, like, anyway, this will get me money. | ||
| You know, people have complained about it, but that's just a certain percentage of the people are going to complain about it every day. | ||
| I feel like they're used to radio, though. | ||
| And in radio, there's tons of commercials all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I know we're not the same thing as radio, but it's similar. | ||
| In the middle of it, but it is the same thing. | ||
| It's a conversation. | ||
| I mean, most of these people are listening to this thing. | ||
| They could easily be listening to the radio. | ||
| It's very similar. | ||
| iPhones or iPods in their cars is a huge percentage of the people that are listening to this show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because everybody has a little hookup now. | ||
| It's so easy to have a USB port. | ||
| Most new cars, like Fords, I know your car picks it up Bluetooth. | ||
| So you can stream it from your phone. | ||
| You know, by the way, if you don't have that in your car, there's something that I recently purchased. | ||
| And it's like this thing that you put in your car, and it's got three speakers, and it just goes right on your visor, and it automatically connects Bluetooth, and it can connect two Bluetooths at once, and it can either just stream music to it, and also you can take calls on it. | ||
| So if you don't have it in your car, I got this for, I think, $129. | ||
| I'll put it on my website, but it's good. | ||
| Most people have that hookup right from a phone to the car, if it's a music phone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And in California, it's the law. | ||
| Like, I know in Ohio, you're still fucking driving around making phone calls, but in a lot of places, you can't do that anymore. | ||
| Yeah, you can get tickets. | ||
| There are people looking for people on phones every day. | ||
| You're not allowed to text, either. | ||
| When you shouldn't, goddammit, it drives me crazy when I see someone looking down their phone while their giant metal machine is hurling 60 miles an hour. | ||
| I'm like, you know, 60 miles an hour, you can cover a lot of goddamn distance in a couple of seconds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you know anything about accidents, that's how shit happens. | ||
| It happens like, on a side of nowhere! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right! | |
| Boom! | ||
| I was, I was, uh, I was, yeah, last accident I had, I was drunk. | ||
| And I was, I was texting, trying to get to the comedy store before last call, without my glasses on. | ||
| Without your glasses on! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| And some, some, some cab stopped, and you don't expect them to stop for no reason. | ||
| How hard did you hit him? | ||
| I saw it last second, stopped him up, it still smashed him, and then somewhere a cop pulled over, and was like, and I was trying to give him the wave off, like, no, we're good, we got this covered. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it was completely because I looked away from the road. | ||
| The cop waved off? | ||
| I waved off the cop. | ||
| He was slow down and was like, do you guys need any help? | ||
| I gave him a sign of like, we're handling this like adults. | ||
| We're just exchanging insurance. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| All hammered, panicking, sweaty, heart beating your chest. | ||
| Also wondering if I can get back to the store in time. | ||
| What am I going to pull in a breathalyzer? | ||
| Am I still going to be able to get my set? | ||
| That's what happens when you drink and drive. | ||
| But texting and driving is super similar. | ||
| You just look away from the road. | ||
| I've done it a few times here and there, but I rarely do. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| Of course, you learned your lesson and you've never done it since this accident, right? | ||
| Drink and drive? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I left the Stan Hope show. | ||
| I don't know if that was before or after. | ||
| I think that might have been the last one because nothing happened to that one. | ||
| I was beyond lit up. | ||
| I couldn't stay to the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I needed to get air. | ||
| And you drove home? | ||
| I drove home and I kept telling myself that if I get to the store, I only live a few blocks away from the store. | ||
| If I get there, I'll just pull over there. | ||
| But I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Yeah, you're a block away from the store. | ||
| That's 95% of the way there. | ||
| Dude, why did you drive that obliterator? | ||
| I was drunk and I could not make the right decision. | ||
| I made the wrong decision. | ||
| And luckily, nothing happened. | ||
| How hard was it to stay in the lanes? | ||
| I think I concentrated hard. | ||
| I managed to do it, but I shouldn't. | ||
| I've driven jump before. | ||
| I think I'm going to handle this, but almost everybody has. | ||
| But this was not one of those times. | ||
| That's scary, dude. | ||
| I hate hearing that. | ||
| Everybody out there, learn from Ari. | ||
| Don't do that shit. | ||
| That's a terrible thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scary. | |
| It was. | ||
| You don't control your body, man. | ||
| You have less control, and you want to feel like you have control, but you don't. | ||
| And you're driving a giant death machine. | ||
| Giant death machine. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Everyone does it. | ||
| Everyone drives a little drunk, but it's like, you know, you put people at risk. | ||
| Not everyone does it, man. | ||
| I try really hard not to do it, but it's certainly a fucking problem. | ||
| I remember in high school, though, I used to have like a note, like one drink and I'm done rule. | ||
| I don't know if you guys had that, but that went away. | ||
| It's a great rule, yeah. | ||
| No, I have had those. | ||
| Especially if I'm driving. | ||
| If I'm doing a show, I can have a beer, maybe two beers on stage, but if I know I've got to drive afterwards, it's the worst feeling in the world. | ||
| You've got to sober up. | ||
| But Sam Kinison said it the best. | ||
| Well, you can't leave your car there. | ||
| How are you going to get your car home? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Get a toad. | ||
| Yeah, that's not realistic for most people. | ||
| No, most people it's not. | ||
| Vancouver, I don't know if all of Canada, but Vancouver at least, they have super strict laws, so people just don't do it. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's one of the great things about living in New York City, that everybody's just hopping in cabs. | ||
| Cabs and subway home. | ||
| Yeah, cabs, subway, you don't have to be responsible for being hammered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then you have to live in New York City. | ||
| Which I don't think I'm willing to do. | ||
| We're going to be there. | ||
| We're going to be in New York in May, right? | ||
| When is it, Brian? | ||
| May 4th. | ||
| May 4th? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, this weekend we're at the Comedy and Magic Club, too. | ||
| Are you going to do it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe I can just do Friday. | ||
| Okay, what night? | ||
| You want to do Friday night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which show? | ||
| Both shows? | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's how quick we roll, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's how we make decisions. | ||
| And Saturday, little Esther doesn't know yet, but I'm going to ask her to do it with me and Duncan. | ||
| So you're going to do just Friday? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Little Esther and Duncan Friday. | ||
| So Ari and Duncan on Friday and little Esther, if she wants to do it, and Duncan on Saturday. | ||
| This weekend, Comedy Magic Club. | ||
| But the big one is 420 in Atlanta. | ||
| That's my fucking special. | ||
| I'm taping it. | ||
| This is the best shit I've ever had. | ||
| I could have taped the special a year ago. | ||
| Yeah, you were ready a long time ago. | ||
| I've never been this... | ||
| I did an hour and 40 minutes the other night, and it was just all material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I got a lot of shit. | ||
| I went through all of it, and I still don't think I did everything. | ||
| I still have some other stuff that I've written down that I sort of abandoned along the way, and I have to figure out where to put certain things. | ||
| If you didn't get back to it, it's like, okay, I didn't. | ||
| Maybe I'll start from here for the next year. | ||
| This never got good. | ||
| Yeah, there's some bits. | ||
| Well, there's some bits I can't keep doing. | ||
| Yeah, you're just done with them. | ||
| You're sick of it, right? | ||
| Yeah, I gotta get rid of them. | ||
| Even if they don't make it to the special, I'm getting rid of them. | ||
| Yeah, they're just holding you back creatively after a certain amount of time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly! | |
| So, April 20th at the Tabernacle. | ||
| Say it, Brian. | ||
| Tabernacle. | ||
| In Atlanta. | ||
| Can I mention three dates? | ||
| I got three big dates. | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| I got Vancouver, 29th through the 31st. | ||
| Oh shit, where at? | ||
| The comedy mix. | ||
| Ooh, one of the best clubs in the world. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big show. | ||
| So when is that? | ||
| April what? | ||
| No, March 29th through the 31st. | ||
| March 29th through the 31st, comedy mix in Vancouver. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari Shaffir, who are you working with? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They've got to give me someone there. | ||
| They got a good local scene. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of good comics. | ||
| We were up there, me and Segura did sets there last time we were there. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they had a great local scene. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| They got a lot of funny comics. | ||
| It's a big fun city. | ||
| Anywhere west coast. | ||
| Yeah, Vancouver's awesome. | ||
| It's one of the greatest cities in the world. | ||
| It wins like greatest city in the world all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very friendly and worldly. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's west coast. | ||
| They're all chilled back and laid back. | ||
| Food's incredible. | ||
| Some of the best restaurants. | ||
| Jesus Christ, we've had some incredible steaks at that place. | ||
| Vancouver's amazing. | ||
| That's one of my favorite places to go ever. | ||
| So you're there March 29th through the 31st. | ||
| And that comedy mix is the downstairs of a hotel. | ||
| Yeah, that's the old Yuck Yucks that we did once a long, long time ago. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great spot. | ||
| It's a perfect size. | ||
| It's close to the area of downtown wherever it goes out. | ||
| It's like two blocks away. | ||
| It's a perfect size club. | ||
| That place is amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I think I'm doing an album. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| I think I'm going to try again to take that thing. | ||
| So the first one didn't work out? | ||
| No, they just didn't get there in time. | ||
| They just fucked up the recording too much. | ||
| I didn't want to do it wrong. | ||
| What'd they do? | ||
| They missed the first three days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They just didn't come. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| They weren't organized. | ||
| So they were supposed to be there and they never got there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, who was this? | ||
| I don't know if I should say or not. | ||
| Don't say. | ||
| Yeah, but it was just really shit. | ||
| Are you still working with them? | ||
| No, they were like, want to do it again? | ||
| I'm like, I think I'm going to do it on my own. | ||
| I don't want to try this again. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It was really frustrating. | ||
| They weren't there Wednesday, they weren't there Thursday. | ||
| Oh, and you're killing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Thursday was a super conservative crowd in Edmonton, but they laughed super hard at all the cleaner jokes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was like, that's the best reaction those clean jokes have ever gotten. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I would have liked to have had that down. | ||
| And then Friday, they sent somebody in, but he used to know the system. | ||
| And then Saturday, there was all this feedback from the soda machine. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| So they just couldn't use two full bits. | ||
| And I was like, I want them. | ||
| Yeah, that shit's annoying. | ||
| It's hard to fucking get a special down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a lot of pressure to just... | ||
| Have that moment be just like a real show. | ||
| So that's why I'm doing a lot of shows between now and then. | ||
| If you see me adding shows, that's exactly what's going on. | ||
| Trying to get ready. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I'm doing Hollywood. | ||
| I'm doing the improv. | ||
| April 13th, 14th, and 15th. | ||
| The Hollywood, not California, rather. | ||
| Hollywood, Florida. | ||
| The one with the hard rock. | ||
| So that's April 13th, 14th. | ||
| And then the 20th Atlantic. | ||
| Oh, in Louisiana. | ||
| We're doing the improv in Louisiana. | ||
| Is it Louisiana improv? | ||
| In Louisville, Kentucky. | ||
| Did I say Louisiana? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Who lets me talk? | ||
| How do I have a living talking? | ||
| Tab or nipple. | ||
| Tab or nipple. | ||
| 3330. March 30th through April 1st, we're at the Louisville, Louisville, Kentucky Improv. | ||
| You just do as many sets as you can and get like right in groove. | ||
| I'm just trying to, I'm getting up like crazy. | ||
| I'm just going to get up every weekend, all week, everywhere. | ||
| Just going to just bang it out and listening to sets, doing a lot of writing too. | ||
| And I'm also preparing for the next stuff. | ||
| So I'm sandwiching in new bits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Half, yeah. | |
| And I find out when I do that, I make my older bits better anyway. | ||
| It makes my whole set better when I'm jamming new shit into them. | ||
| I had a friend ask me about this. | ||
| He goes, sometimes, Mike Stork, he was like, sometimes I feel like if I do these old bits, I make them longer and I add stuff to them. | ||
| But my theory with that is, that new stuff, that new creative stuff that you put into that, you would put into the other new bit. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You just make your other bits better. | ||
| There's both. | ||
| You know, I think that a bit can cook for a certain amount of time, then after a while, it's done. | ||
| It's done. | ||
| Sometimes it's not done, and you're like a year into this bit, but then in the next year, you'll come up with all this great new shit to go along with it, and now it becomes like a real piece that you're proud of, and then you let it go. | ||
| It's all like knowing when to let it go, you know? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Friday I'll be at the Ice House with Joey Diaz and Doug Benson for the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| Yeah, but the Ice House Chronicles, by the way, are available only on iTunes under the Death Squad label. | ||
| It's all free and everything, and it's deathsquad.tv. | ||
| That to be it. | ||
| And that last one we did with Greg Fitzsimmons and Joey Diaz, Brody Stevens, Lil' Esther. | ||
| We just put it up. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| So, that's it. | ||
| This weekend, I'm at the Comedy Magic Club at Hermosa Beach on Friday night with Ari Shafir and Duncan Trestle. | ||
| And on Saturday night, Duncan and Lil' Esther. | ||
| Come on down, you dirty bitches. | ||
| And then, of course, all the other information is available on JoeRogan.net. | ||
| The big one, though, is the Tabernacle in Atlanta, April 20th. | ||
| It's going down. | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| The first show is essentially sold out. | ||
| It's way cooler to be there for a taping like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To say you were there. | ||
| This is my best one. | ||
| I'm coming out guns blazing. | ||
| This is my best shit ever. | ||
| And I'm going to release it Louis C.K. style on the internet. | ||
| Five bucks. | ||
| Gingerly. | ||
| My last big date that I've got to say is Dallas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dallas. | |
| Addison. | ||
| Addison Improv. | ||
| When is that? | ||
| Second week of April. | ||
| That's a huge spot for you, man. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I'm glad. | ||
| That's the improv letting me in and saying, like, let's see how well you do. | ||
| We're going to have you on that week. | ||
| Crush that. | ||
| What is it again? | ||
| Addison Improv. | ||
| When? | ||
| April, let's say, 11th through the 14th. | ||
| And they can get this information. | ||
| 12th through the 15th, April, Addison Improv. | ||
| And they can get this information on AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| It's all right there. | ||
| And follow Ari on Twitter. | ||
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| S-H-A-F-F-I-R. You fucking savages. | ||
| Alright, thank you, everybody. | ||
| Thank you, Ari. | ||
| It's always fun. | ||
| Thank you, everybody, tuning in. | ||
| Thank you, all the powerful people out there on Twitter. | ||
| Everyone should tweet if they're there at your show. | ||
| You should call it like 420Rogan or something. | ||
| Get a hashtag? | ||
| Yeah, what should it be? | ||
| Okay, 420Rogan. | ||
| Yeah, 420Rogan. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Rogan's what you first said. | ||
| Rogan420. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| 420Rogan. | ||
| Yeah, 420Rogan. | ||
| Okay, so that's the new hashtag. | ||
| 420Rogan. | ||
| That's leading up to the special. | ||
| April 20th. | ||
| Yeah, beautiful. | ||
| Well, I'm fucking writing every day for this thing. | ||
| I'm geared up. | ||
| I'm ready to rock and roll. | ||
| I've never been more prepared to do a special or more excited to do a special. | ||
| I'm just excited about comedy right now. | ||
| Part of it has been doing a lot of these sets at the Ice House and doing the Ice House Chronicles and doing these podcasts. | ||
| I'm just excited about everything, man. | ||
| I've never been happier. | ||
| I'm in the groove, bitches! | ||
| Alright, thank you to the Fleshlight. | ||
| Please go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, and you will save 15% off. | ||
| And today, this is the last day. | ||
| Today is Monday, March 19th. | ||
| At midnight, this will expire. | ||
| But until then, if you go to Onnit.com and enter in the code name TRYIT, you will save 35% off single 30-count bottles. | ||
| Otherwise, if you use the word Rogan, you will save 10% off all orders. | ||
| That's the deal, bitches. | ||
| Please support our sponsors. | ||
| Please keep listening. | ||
| Please keep coming to our shows. | ||
| It's because of the people. | ||
| That's why you're more into it. | ||
| That's why you're grooving now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because of these people listening. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| There's a movement going on here. | ||
| There's some crazy shit going down, Ari Shafir. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't you feel it? | ||
| I do feel it. | ||
| You're fucking headlining all over the country now, all over the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're international. | |
| I finally sort of feel fulfilled. | ||
| This is awesome. | ||
| As an artist, yeah. | ||
| People are like, aren't you afraid of being on the road all the time? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| You're professional. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Already selling out, bitches. | ||
| Get in there. | ||
| Go get some! | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We will see you guys on Wednesday with... | ||
| We don't even fucking know yet. | ||
| We don't even know who the guest is. | ||
| Sasquatch. | ||
| They're getting Sasquatch. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| I've been trying for years. | ||
| See you guys. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Love you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
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