March 14, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:26:05
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| Do you sense a no nasal sort of a tone to my voice today? | ||
| I tried to give you allergy medicine, man. | ||
| It's a little bit of a cold. | ||
| I think it's mostly allergies. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Because you, me, and like everybody I know, the exact same symptoms exactly 100%. | ||
| Are you coughing? | ||
| I'm mostly sneezing, running noses, burning eyes, shit in my eyes, and I cough once in a while. | ||
| No burning eyes. | ||
| No burning eyes with me, just coughing and running nose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I don't feel bad. | ||
| I feel physically. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel really good. | |
| I feel fine, maybe a little tired. | ||
| I think you're going to be okay. | ||
| But we also podcast-rammed all over your face this week. | ||
| Yeah, we've been podcasting like crazy. | ||
| I don't know if that wears you out, though. | ||
| It makes me run out of things to talk about, definitely. | ||
| Yesterday, I had to try hard. | ||
| Well, you did ones after mine, too? | ||
| Yeah, I've done the Naughty Show and whatever. | ||
| Well, at least there's a lot of people on those shows, so they can kind of keep the ball rolling. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| And you feel like you still have to jump in. | ||
| It's still not laying on the couch crying. | ||
| I'm not used to not doing that. | ||
| Some people out there working in coal mines, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| There's real work out there. | ||
| There's real jobs. | ||
| Anyway, what I was about to say is we're brought to you by a rubber vagina. | ||
| It's not rubber. | ||
| It's like a mineral. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| He explained it yesterday. | ||
| I don't know, but he kind of hinted that I could maybe put it in my mouth a little. | ||
| Yeah, you wouldn't recommend it, but I bet you could eat it and live. | ||
| Yeah, it would be like eating shoes. | ||
| If you were Steve-O in his prime, Steve-O in his prime would have eaten a flashlight. | ||
| Yeah, or if you're a Tom and Jerry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, remember eating the shoes? | ||
| I think we talked about this a long-ass time ago. | ||
| They ate shoes? | ||
| Remember, it was like big in cartoons to always eat your shoes. | ||
| Like, you cook it up, and then you cut it off like a steak. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Yeah, I think we talked about it. | ||
| These really poor people used to actually eat their fucking shoes, man. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, I don't think we realize how bad it was in, like, the Great Depression. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| During the Great Depression, when my grandma... | ||
| Excuse me, when my grandfather grew up, he had this... | ||
| My grandfather always had this serious, serious air about him because he had seen people that, like, almost starved to death. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, he had lived in an era where that was a real possibility. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like in America, you might starve to death. | ||
| It's not going to be everybody, but it's possible. | ||
| Things were really fucking bad. | ||
| And if you can live through that, what does this have to do with plastic vaginas, Brian? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nothing, goddammit. | ||
| They didn't have them back then. | ||
| Thank god we have them now. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| First of all, it would certainly keep the population down. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| This is an excellent tool for population control, the fleshlight. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN. You save yourself a bundle of cash. | ||
| How much? | ||
| 15%. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| No, I won't. | ||
| I'm being serious. | ||
| 15%. | ||
| Enjoy it. | ||
| We are also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| Makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive-enhancing supplement that I take. | ||
| I take every day. | ||
| There's a lot of information available about it on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. If you're fascinated by any of this stuff, I urge you to please Google Nootropics, N-O-O-Tropics. | ||
| Nootropics are essentially nutrients that have been shown to have a positive effect on the way your brain works. | ||
| And Google it and read the pros and cons and do your research and experiment with stuff. | ||
| You don't have to go out and just take AlphaBrain. | ||
| If you have some experience in nootropics, you already know you enjoy their effects, then go ahead and try it. | ||
| But, you know, if you don't, try out some other stuff first. | ||
| There's a bunch of different kinds of nootropics that are available. | ||
| It's all available online through the wonders of this thing called the internet. | ||
| So go check that out. | ||
| And Gabba is something completely different from a big tall puppet in a suit. | ||
| Yeah, it's not Yo Gabba Gabba. | ||
| It's Gabba. | ||
| The controversy in stews. | ||
| So anyway, we have a bunch of different supplements. | ||
| Fitness supplements for exercise. | ||
| There's Shroom Tech Sport. | ||
| It's an amazing endurance supplement. | ||
| I use that when I do jiu-jitsu or kettlebells or anything really difficult. | ||
| There's Shroom Tech Immune, which is a great immunity boosting supplement as I talk to you with a runny nose. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| We also have New Mood, which is a mood-boosting serotonin-enhancing supplement. | ||
| It's called 5-HTP and L-tryptophan. | ||
| And when you mix those two together, both of them are responsible for producing serotonin. | ||
| So it sort of gives you the building blocks for serotonin, and it makes your brain produce it. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| It gives you a little happy feeling. | ||
| So it's all natural stuff. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| The first 30 pills that you order, there's a 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| You don't have to return anything. | ||
| You just say, I don't like this stuff. | ||
| You get all your money back. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| We can't make it any easier. | ||
| We're trying to be as fair and as nice as possible. | ||
| And our goal always is, number one, I don't ever want to do anything where anybody feels ripped off. | ||
| So that's why we have this money-back guarantee in place. | ||
| I'm much more concerned with not having people feel ripped off than I am with making money. | ||
| Okay, so there it is. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com. | ||
| Check it, bitches. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Enter in my last name, which is Rogan. | ||
| R-O-G-A-N. And save yourself 10% for now and for always. | ||
| And what was the other? | ||
| He had some new fucking code that gets you 35% off. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| I guess you have to download yesterday's episode on iTunes. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| He's in a plane right now, too. | ||
| I can't even text him. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Yeah, you'll have to download yesterday's because there's a way to get 35% off. | ||
| I'll tweet it. | ||
| I'll tweet it what it is later. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Make him work for it, man. | ||
| It's me, man. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| I should have had that shit written down. | ||
| It was something weird, like TSK or something. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know you're just making shit up and confusing people. | ||
| Somebody probably had it. | ||
| It was on the tip of their tongue, and then you just said that, and you just fucked them sideways. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Into the woods. | ||
| Speaking of fuck sideways, we're talking to Matt Paxton from Fuckin' Hoarders, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| Cue the music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Let's start this officially. | ||
| Train by day! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast by night! | |
| All day! | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Now, we are talking today to Matt Paxton from Hoarders, and you want to talk about a dude who has seen some unusual shit. | ||
| I've seen it every day. | ||
| You must have a completely different perspective on human beings than your average person. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Oh, I mean, it's to a point now where I have a hard time, like, I mean, I live in the suburbs now, I have a wife and kids, and I'm bored to death, like, hanging out with the guys in the neighborhood, because I'm, I mean, during the day, I'm, you know, shoveling 200 dead cats, and... | ||
| You know, 45,000 pounds of shit, and then I gotta go talk to some guy about an email that he got in his cube. | ||
| I mean, it's actually affecting... | ||
| I need the crazy shit now. | ||
| I'm really having a hard time living a regular life. | ||
| So you've become addicted to all this insanity. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I'm a recovering addict. | ||
| My issue was gambling. | ||
| I had a serious gambling problem. | ||
| Lost everything when I was 25. I mean, literally rock bottom, sitting in a ditch in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. | ||
| I got my ass kicked by a bookie. | ||
| And I had to start over. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I had literally five bucks in my pocket and I went and gambled it trying to make it ten. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And so I hit rock bottom and over the last, what, ten years, slowly but surely got back out and I've seen it all. | ||
| And so it works for me with the hoarders because I'm not going to judge them. | ||
| I've been in a much, I mean, I thought about sucking dick for money one night. | ||
| I didn't do it, but I put it on the table. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because I was in a lot of trouble. | ||
| And I was like, you know, it can't taste that bad. | ||
| It's not that horrible, you know? | ||
| Like, I started justifying it in my head. | ||
| And I put a lot of things on the table that night. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Sigur and I talked about it one night. | ||
| We were like, you know, I was like, I'm going to run drugs from New York to Miami just once and get out of trouble. | ||
| Not like I knew how to set that up or anything. | ||
| But in my mind, I was like, I'm gonna do it. | ||
| I was in so much trouble, I put a lot of things on the table. | ||
| So when I see a lady that's shit in her oven, I'm like, eh, you know, it's not that bad. | ||
| She shits in her oven? | ||
| I've had one lady that did, yeah. | ||
| She shit in a bag and then put the bag in the oven. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| To keep it fresh, right? | ||
| She wanted to keep it safe. | ||
| She wanted to keep it safe. | ||
| She was saving her shit? | ||
| I get that. | ||
| It was a special, something like, I think there was a birthday cake involved or something. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| God. | ||
| So you can't... | ||
| From a particular meal that you wanted to save? | ||
| Yeah, there was something important to it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| I'll get right at it. | ||
| These people are not crazy. | ||
| I hate that word, crazy. | ||
| They sure sound it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But... | ||
| Something really intense has happened to them at some point in their life that made them. | ||
| It jump-started it and got them. | ||
| And then about 10 years of bad decisions got them there after that. | ||
| But something horrible, tragic happened to them that initiated it. | ||
| So is it this horrible, tragic thing that happens to them? | ||
| Does it just fuck with the way they see reality? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| They block off sections of reality? | ||
| Yeah, that's why I'm so excited to be on this, because you're willing to go into different realities and understand that you could have a whole separate world that exists in your mind, even though you're living in a different one. | ||
| There's a lot of functional, crazy people out there. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| We've had judges and lawyers and doctors. | ||
| We had one judge that we literally had to clean his house from midnight to 6 a.m. | ||
| because he didn't want anybody to know what was going on. | ||
| But yet, I mean, here I am. | ||
| Hello, the guy on Hoarders that three million people a night see. | ||
| If I'm going into your house every other hour, it's pretty obvious we're cleaning up your house. | ||
| What did you have to do to the judge's house? | ||
| We'd clean it. | ||
| I mean, it was full. | ||
| But his was nice stuff. | ||
| It was like art and fancy things, antiques, and just things he had bought. | ||
| It was just over-balling. | ||
| His was an issue. | ||
| His wife believed stuff made you who you were. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And so he wasn't really, he wasn't comfortable with, you know, what you do as a person is who you are. | ||
| He was, whatever you buy is who you are. | ||
| And so they were searching for more self-worth and they just kept buying things. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| And I mean, it does, it's all mental. | ||
| It's never about the physical stuff. | ||
| Which is hard to believe. | ||
| I mean, we could get deep into... | ||
| These hoarders get into big, deep worlds where they think things matter. | ||
| And I always say it's called... | ||
| There's an old Avett Brothers song, if you've ever heard of Avett Brothers. | ||
| Interesting band. | ||
| Really cool band. | ||
| How do you spell it? | ||
| A-V-E-T-T. Avett Brothers. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| They drive a lot of my theories on life. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, they changed the way I work. | ||
| Like, first time I heard them, I was like, wow, this must have been what it must have been like to hear The Beatles for the first time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I know that's a word you don't throw out. | ||
| I know that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| You're hyping this up like drive. | ||
| Where are they from? | ||
| They're from North Carolina. | ||
| What kind of music is this? | ||
| They're bluegrass, but they think they're Led Zeppelin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| So they play really fucking hardcore. | ||
| Dude, throw some of that shit on. | ||
| They just got picked up by Rick Rubin. | ||
| Their last album was Rick Rubin produced. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Does Rick Rubin still have that crazy beard? | ||
| I only know him from that NYU picture. | ||
| I only know him from Beastie Boys videos. | ||
| I mean, you think that was their freshman year of college? | ||
| Him and... | ||
| Who was that guy? | ||
| The black guy. | ||
| Russell Simmons? | ||
| Russell Simmons and him were roommates freshman year at NYU. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To me. | ||
| They both seem to be, like, really... | ||
| Even though they're, like, super successful, they both seem to be, like, really nice guys. | ||
| I met... | ||
| Russell Simmons, like, you ever read his Twitter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's all about love. | ||
| It's all about love and do yoga and drink water. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| He's a big yogi. | ||
| He's a big yogi. | ||
| I met him in an elevator at a shoe convention one year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If there was a... | ||
| What is the name of the song, Brian? | ||
| 10,000 Words Acoustic. | ||
| It's probably not the song you want to hear. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe it is. | ||
| Dude, distraction. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| That's in the back of their truck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A million more in books written beneath my bed. | |
| I wrote, read them all, went searching in the swarms. | ||
| Still can't find how to hold my hand. | ||
| If you see Distraction number 74, hit that one live. | ||
| Distraction 74? | ||
| Is that a song? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'll see them how they... | ||
| Their live is really amazing. | ||
| One of those dudes had his pants rolled up and he was barefoot. | ||
| I find that offensive. | ||
| They're definitely playing the part now. | ||
| I mean, they are. | ||
| I find that slightly offensive. | ||
| You knew they were filming a video, dude. | ||
| You decided to roll your pants up and take your shoes off. | ||
| They're still in the music industry. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| I'm so comfortable. | ||
| They're still in the music industry. | ||
| So comfortable, man. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was in love with your beauty. | |
| So the guy plays a banjo like a guitar. | ||
| Oh, how I wish that wasn't up to and made me want to stay. | ||
| See, I'm as true as I try to be and I must say, my girl, I tried the best to give to you all of the truth in the world. | ||
| But when I left your house that morning in that ragged thunderbird, I tried so hard to fight the voices from the devils that I heard. | ||
| See, there's a highway to the right of us I took a year ago. | ||
| And since a year ago can't drive past without snurning down that road. | ||
| And I knew it, I never should have turned the wheel. | ||
| And I knew it, the voices calling me worried. | ||
| I knew it, the seven song they said. | ||
| I knew I was wrong. | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| And I knew I was wrong. | ||
| So live, it's a whole different world. | ||
| This is very original, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I can't think of other things that it sounds like. | ||
| They've got like six albums in three years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they just throw up music. | ||
| I'll have to check out their stuff. | ||
| But the whole point of that was they have a line that says, I'll never know silence without mental violence. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And I get really deep into the word. | ||
| I mean, like, I just love their music. | ||
| And they said, I never know silence without mental violence. | ||
| And that mental violence is the key word for me. | ||
| For a hoarder, they're 24-7. | ||
| Their mind is never asleep. | ||
| You and I, I think your brain probably goes over time a lot. | ||
| I'm a huge fan of the podcast, and I'm geeking out to be here. | ||
| We're geeking out to have you. | ||
| Thank you, I'm sure. | ||
| You allow your brain to go deeper than a lot of people are willing to. | ||
| I don't even know what that means. | ||
| If something is curious to me, I follow up on my curiosity. | ||
| I just have the time to do it. | ||
| I think that's the difference. | ||
| I don't work a regular day job where between 9 to 5 I have to have the... | ||
| You don't allow rules to limit your brain. | ||
| Well, I don't have to. | ||
| A lot of it is I've been very lucky in how I've managed to manage my life. | ||
| I can think about things. | ||
| I don't have to think about a company all day. | ||
| But someone doesn't tell you how to think of those things. | ||
| Your brain just goes. | ||
| Well, I'm allowed to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I think that's what's really hard for people is jobs. | ||
| What's really hard for people is, you know, when you fucking work 40 hours a week plus traveling, commuting, that's a lot of time that's not yours. | ||
| More than 50% of your life is not yours. | ||
| Not yours. | ||
| And for most of us, you know, not me, but, you know, I have been in the past for sure. | ||
| When you work on a job like that, you're giving away a giant chunk of your life. | ||
| That's the majority of us. | ||
| That's why systems work. | ||
| People are tired. | ||
| People are tired all the time. | ||
| That's why ridiculous systems are hard to get out of place. | ||
| Because people are just too tired to fix them. | ||
| I always say hitting rock bottom for me was the greatest thing ever. | ||
| Because you fuck up so many times... | ||
| By the time you get back out of Rock Bottom, you pick yourself up, you've broken all those rules and you're like, fuck, I'm not getting a real job. | ||
| So you feel like you're probably the perfect person for this show because you're not even judging these people. | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| Never. | ||
| I've done worse. | ||
| You've been down Crazy Street. | ||
| I've done much worse than I have. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's beautiful, man. | ||
| Much worse. | ||
| What a great message that is. | ||
| I'm totally not going to judge them. | ||
| No one is. | ||
| What a great message that is, though, if you're saying you've done much worse and here you are with your shit together. | ||
| There's nothing... | ||
| Yeah, but I sure didn't for 15 years. | ||
| I know, but that's so important. | ||
| I don't think I have my shit together now. | ||
| I'm just on TV, and it looks like I have my shit together. | ||
| Well, I think you have your shit together. | ||
| Right now, you do have your shit together. | ||
| If you're living in the moment right now, you're not... | ||
| More so than yesterday, yeah. | ||
| You're not methed out. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're not shitting your pants. | ||
| You're not going crazy. | ||
| Have you murdered a hooker? | ||
| No, but one of my guys, one of my employees did murder another guy. | ||
| All my guys are ex-con. | ||
| They're the best employees for this work. | ||
| One of your employees murdered a guy? | ||
| Yeah, he did 20 years. | ||
| Was he a hooker? | ||
| No, the other guy was a drug dealer. | ||
| I asked him, I was like, what's, you know, you did 20 years. | ||
| His name's Ronnie, great guy. | ||
| I was like, what's the, like, what happened? | ||
| And he goes, well, you know, it was me or him. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| I get that concept. | ||
| And I go, so like, tell me the story. | ||
| And I told him, I checked with parole officer, it wasn't a sex... | ||
| I like my guys to be ex-cons because they're not going to judge. | ||
| Because they're going to go back to jail the next day if they fuck up with us. | ||
| I'm their only chance. | ||
| So with our hoarders, we're their only chance to clean. | ||
| So I prefer to have like... | ||
| What if that one fuck-up is raping you or hurting you? | ||
| That would suck. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's never happened yet. | ||
| I mean, I don't let them know my family, if that's what you're leaning towards. | ||
| They don't know my family at all. | ||
| But you purposely hook them up with jobs because you think that they'll be more open-minded. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And I know they're not... | ||
| I mean, I'm... | ||
| A college kid drives me crazy because he wants to check his cell phone all day. | ||
| He wants to try to get laid. | ||
| Don't get me wrong, I get that too. | ||
| He's focused on everything other than my client. | ||
| My worker from prison, he just got out on Saturday. | ||
| He's just happy to be out. | ||
| He's been in a 10 by 10 How do you know whether or not you can trust them? | ||
| I go through some church groups that rehab them in prison and we know they've been sober for two years. | ||
| These guys are devoted to a vegan diet. | ||
| They already have committed to lifestyles inside the system to get clean. | ||
| Believe it or not, staying sober in prison is a really hard thing to do. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| You can get anything you want. | ||
| Anything you want? | ||
| Anything. | ||
| These guys will tell you, man, anything you want. | ||
| You can have it in a day if you're willing to pay. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, these guards make 20 grand a year, and they can pick up an extra 60 or 70 running shit to the prisoners. | ||
| I don't really have a problem with that. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It is what it is, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| You know, prison must fucking suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It sucks. | |
| It sucks. | ||
| I can't imagine it. | ||
| If you got to get high to get through it, so be it. | ||
| It's the worst way to fix people. | ||
| The worst way to fix it, I mean, it does, for some, scares them into a life of discipline. | ||
| Like Bernard Hopkins, he's a perfect example. | ||
| You know, Bernard Hopkins when he was young. | ||
| That boxer, isn't he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's the current light heavyweight champion, and I think he's 47. Really? | ||
| Which is insane, yeah. | ||
| His discipline is just ridiculous. | ||
| Well, the discipline is the key word. | ||
| I mean, these guys are so devoted, they don't even... | ||
| Try to eat... | ||
| You think it's hard to eat a healthy lifestyle outside of prison? | ||
| Try to eat a healthy lifestyle with no... | ||
| I mean, they'll eat just water and bread, and that's it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That doesn't sound healthy. | ||
| No, well... | ||
| But the food is so bad. | ||
| The food is so bad. | ||
| And they're just so committed to a clean lifestyle. | ||
| By the time we get them... | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| It's so ridiculous to me the fact that we have private prisons. | ||
| That fact is so shocking to me. | ||
| That there are actually businesses that profit off the amount... | ||
| Substantially profit. | ||
| Really profit off the amount of people that get arrested and so they also lobby to keep certain laws on the books to make sure there's more things to arrest people for so there's more people in their prisons. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| This is the Matrix. | ||
| I mean, that's insanity. | ||
| Most of my dudes are young black men that never knew their dads. | ||
| They were just trying to get by. | ||
| They never had a frickin' chance. | ||
| In their mind, selling a little weed on the corner... | ||
| That was right. | ||
| There wasn't anything wrong. | ||
| I mean, the difference between right and wrong is totally subjective. | ||
| And a lot of our guys, they don't... | ||
| In their world, they're just trying to survive. | ||
| Why is that wrong? | ||
| But it's okay for the guy to sell oxycodones at CVS Pharmacy. | ||
| Because I'm white. | ||
| I didn't get caught. | ||
| Or I had the proceeds to not... | ||
| To get out of trouble. | ||
| Yeah, that's so silly. | ||
| It's really preposterous. | ||
| So my guys, I like those guys. | ||
| They'll give me their heart and they'll give my hoarder, they'll give 100% effort to my client. | ||
| And so that's the dudes I want. | ||
| That's really cool, man. | ||
| You know, look, I'm not, I'm certainly for prison. | ||
| I'm certainly for keeping dangerous people. | ||
| You raped a If you're a kid, I hope you die in prison. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| But you saw weed, maybe? | ||
| Get out. | ||
| Not just that. | ||
| There's a lot of other things that happen that people get arrested for. | ||
| And I think we really could do with a better way of rehabilitating people and a better way of sort of managing kids that are coming up. | ||
| We've got to recognize when there's these big populations of kids without fathers and terrible neighborhoods where everybody's stealing and it's just crime everywhere. | ||
| We've got to do more. | ||
| That some asshole can profit off helping these people. | ||
| But that's the only way. | ||
| I'm pitching a deal right now, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because to me, it's worth forced development, really. | ||
| These kids, none of them have dads. | ||
| Most of their dads are in prison or dead. | ||
| I don't want to paint a brush and say everyone is this way. | ||
| But a lot of these kids don't stand a chance. | ||
| They just simply don't stand a chance. | ||
| So I'm saying, for the next 20 years, they're in prison. | ||
| So let's just go ahead and get in there. | ||
| I actually found out from some of my guys, you don't even qualify. | ||
| You think it's bad outside with no money and no funding for social services. | ||
| You try to get funding inside a prison. | ||
| I mean, they're at the bottom of the list. | ||
| There's no government money for prisoners. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| So these dudes can't even check out a book in the library until the last two years of prison. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You're only available for educational services your last two years. | ||
| So what if you're on... | ||
| You're on 18 years. | ||
| 18 years, you're sitting around jerking off. | ||
| No books. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Ronnie, you got worse for me, spent nine years in solitary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| First day he went in, he had to beat a guy up, show that he was tough. | ||
| He got out, and he was mad. | ||
| He said, I was angry for five years. | ||
| And think about that statement. | ||
| Angry for five years. | ||
| And you're in a 10x10 dark room, and that's all that you are, is angry. | ||
| He had nothing else. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| So he, I mean, nothing, no break, nothing. | ||
| Five years. | ||
| He gets out, finds the same guy, beats the shit out of him. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| Goes back in for four. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Because he was mad at that guy for five years. | ||
| Well, he's fucking crazy. | ||
| At that point he was, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What is that experience like of being locked without human contact for five years? | ||
| Nine! | ||
| He got out for 30 seconds. | ||
| Well, he had a little contact after that. | ||
| Somebody came in for, I don't know, 30 minutes a day. | ||
| First of all, how did they ever let that guy out of jail? | ||
| Ronnie? | ||
| He served his time. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| Now, that's another part that's pretty crazy. | ||
| He served his time. | ||
| But what kind of a rehabilitation is that? | ||
| There was no rehabilitation. | ||
| I'm doing his rehabilitation. | ||
| I'm teaching them what it's like to be a real man. | ||
| I'm teaching them what it's like to talk and to listen and to communicate. | ||
| We're doing the rehab. | ||
| My next thing after this show's over, I want to do a for-profit program. | ||
| We go into prisons the last two years. | ||
| We give these kids an MBA because most of them are drug dealers. | ||
| They get cost of goods sold. | ||
| They get business. | ||
| I mean, they're selling drugs. | ||
| They understand what things cost. | ||
| They understand margins. | ||
| They get it. | ||
| And they already understood the principle of business. | ||
| They've got two years to sit around and do nothing. | ||
| I want to teach them good business principles. | ||
| Let it be a contest. | ||
| And whoever comes with a good idea, we're going to fund them. | ||
| So when they get out, we're going to have a for-profit halfway house. | ||
| When they get out, they now get entrepreneurial training. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So they get out, and they're with us for two years, and we train them, and then we teach them the business and get their business started. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I think there's a way to make money on it, too. | ||
| I'm not doing it for free. | ||
| I'm not trying to be, and I'm not looking for government grants. | ||
| I'm going to take a piece of their business and give them a chance, and as long as it's a good business, they're going to make money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Can you imagine having two years to sit in a room and think and be able to put a business? | ||
| I mean, think of all the businesses you're putting together. | ||
| If you had no other distractions for two years, how awesome would that be? | ||
| I'm not saying prison's awesome, but to be able to be devoted to something would be really cool. | ||
| It's super motivating is what it is. | ||
| It can be. | ||
| Yeah, it can be. | ||
| Or it can be, you know, mortally depressing. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| We've got to figure out a better way to fucking... | ||
| We've got to get Halliburton involved in rehabilitating cities. | ||
| Some huge company like that. | ||
| Yeah, if Halliburton could get a grant... | ||
| To make Detroit profitable. | ||
| If we hire them to rebuild Iraq, why can't we hire them to rebuild Compton? | ||
| Why can't we hire them to set up some sort of community centers where kids without fathers can be mentored on a daily basis so that someone can give them a discipline to put their life in gear? | ||
| I've learned with doing hoarders, man. | ||
| I'm learning it's cool to make a difference. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Well, it feels good, doesn't it? | ||
| It's my new drug. | ||
| I don't need to gamble anymore because I'm helping people every day. | ||
| And it sounds silly. | ||
| It's totally addictive to me. | ||
| And I'm needy. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| That's part of who I am. | ||
| I need that fix every day of someone saying, you helped me. | ||
| But if it does for greater good, fine. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you're getting your little rush, but you're getting it off of super positive things. | ||
| It's like you've changed something that's just chaotic and crazy, like gambling, into something where you're getting this rush off of only positive things and things that benefit other people. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| I'm still getting my rush. | ||
| I'm still getting my fix. | ||
| You've channeled your obsession, but you figured out how to do it all. | ||
| Everything's positive, though. | ||
| I mean, you think if some child molester that he has to have that rush to do whatever he's got to do, what if he could channel that into, he's got to have that rush, and he'll do anything to get that rush, but that rush is now helping people. | ||
| Look, that would be beautiful if I believed it was true. | ||
| That's a bad example. | ||
| I don't think they can be helped. | ||
| I think there's such a high recidivism rate. | ||
| I think there's something wrong with their brains. | ||
| I won't even... | ||
| I mean, I'll help anyone. | ||
| I mean, literally, Ronnie killed a dude, and I'm fine with Ronnie in my home. | ||
| But I'm not going to help a job molester. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| I've met a few guys over the course of my life who had killed people. | ||
| And, you know, some of them in war, and some of them in... | ||
| Well, that's a whole different story. | ||
| Yeah, I knew guys who'd kill people accidentally in fights. | ||
| I knew a guy who did that once. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| That's actually... | ||
| He had a weird look on his face, man. | ||
| I knew a guy who killed a guy, a buddy of his, in a drunk driving accident. | ||
| He always had a weird thing about him, you know. | ||
| Well, I was listening to that podcast a couple weeks ago when you were talking about... | ||
| You guys were talking about Rhode Island, and all these dudes you were talking about had gone to prison or killed someone. | ||
| A couple guys had. | ||
| Yeah, a couple guys had. | ||
| There's one guy who beat a guy to death with a stick. | ||
| It was a comic. | ||
| And that's more than a decision. | ||
| I mean, that's a commitment to an act. | ||
| I mean, one time you hit him and he dies fine, but you hit him a hundred times. | ||
| You made 99 more decisions to kill that fucking guy. | ||
| There's a lot of crazy fuckers out there in this world. | ||
| It's amazing that you're so entrenched in them. | ||
| You seem like a pretty together dude. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Kids changed me. | ||
| I got a two-year-old and a five-month-old. | ||
| And my wife changed me. | ||
| I never thought I'd get married. | ||
| When I got on Hoarders, I was living on a buddy's couch. | ||
| I was cleaning up shit for $12 an hour. | ||
| Literally shoveling shit for $12 an hour. | ||
| And anybody would hire me. | ||
| Like a dog? | ||
| Like people's dogs? | ||
| No, people's houses. | ||
| I'd go into a Hoarder house and clean up their shit for $12 an hour. | ||
| Before the show, even... | ||
| Yeah, I've been cleaning houses for four years. | ||
| When I hit rock bottom, I mean, I literally lost everything. | ||
| I was living on a buddy's couch for $200 a month, and I couldn't come up with $200. | ||
| The third month, he was like, dude, you know, we're 30, man. | ||
| Like, you gotta do something, man. | ||
| I mean, I talked to some of my old podcast. | ||
| I... My 30th birthday, I was engaged to another girl, and I realized that my life is a fucking joke. | ||
| I can't pull her into this. | ||
| I got no business being married. | ||
| So I called off the wedding like a month before I was getting married. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that was a hard decision. | ||
| And I was living on my buddy's couch, and it was my 30th birthday, which is a milestone in your head. | ||
| And I said to my mom, what do you want? | ||
| It's been a hell of a year. | ||
| I was like, I need a pair of running shoes. | ||
| I couldn't afford, I was trying to run a marathon that year, and I couldn't afford a pair of shoes. | ||
| I didn't have enough money. | ||
| I owed like a hundred grand in credit cards. | ||
| I mean, it was scary. | ||
| So I started cleaning up old ladies' houses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And how'd you get that job? | ||
| My dad died. | ||
| The biggest thing, important thing in my life for me was my dad dying when I was 24. And that changed my life. | ||
| I mean, my dad... | ||
| I was a fucking asshole. | ||
| I was just a piece of shit. | ||
| All I cared about was drinking, gambling, and nailing women. | ||
| All three great things, don't get me wrong. | ||
| I mean, my 20s were really fun. | ||
| Sounds like you had a good time. | ||
| At Austin. | ||
| Why'd you stop? | ||
| At a blast. | ||
| I really did. | ||
| When you're talking to a guy who... | ||
| I spent a good deal of my youth in pool halls. | ||
| Yeah, so you... | ||
| I mean, a hustle. | ||
| I was a hustler, man. | ||
| Gambling addicts on a regular basis. | ||
| It's very, very common. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, for me, I hadn't honed my hustle in the right place. | ||
| I'm still a hustler. | ||
| I'm just doing it on TV in a positive way. | ||
| I never change who I am. | ||
| I've learned I'm able to make more money in a positive way than I am in a negative way. | ||
| People don't talk like I talk. | ||
| They don't say the things I say. | ||
| And I've learned just being brutally honest is the best hustle there is. | ||
| Well, how did you get into this environment where you were around like gamblers? | ||
| And how did all this happen? | ||
| Well, oh man, I just, I love it. | ||
| The first time I went to a casino, I fell in love with it, man. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| College. | ||
| This guy, George. | ||
| So that's when you became a gambling addict? | ||
| Yeah, George, yeah. | ||
| This guy, George Roman, he had Tourette's. | ||
| Really cool dude. | ||
| He was a very confident guy. | ||
| He had Tourette's, but he didn't give a shit. | ||
| It was like your problem that he had Tourette's, not his. | ||
| Wow, that's awesome. | ||
| He's a very confident guy. | ||
| And so I was very attracted. | ||
| I was like, man, this is a cool fucking guy. | ||
| He put it on you. | ||
| He did not care that he had Tourette's. | ||
| And he would get the hottest chicks at school. | ||
| He's a really awesome, confident guy. | ||
| And my dad always told me, he's like, you're never going to be the best looking guy. | ||
| You'll never be the hardest working guy. | ||
| You've got to be the most confident. | ||
| Because I think that's your only in. | ||
| Like, you got no other valuable thing. | ||
| Dad just broke you off. | ||
| No, he just was honest. | ||
| He's like, you know, you're not going to be rich. | ||
| Yeah, you're not going to be rich. | ||
| You're not going to be any of that stuff. | ||
| Here's your dick. | ||
| Here's a ruler. | ||
| Yeah, you ain't got a big dick. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| And my dad got mad, mad women. | ||
| I mean, he got, and he was so ugly, but he just, women loved him. | ||
| He knew how to, he talked honest. | ||
| He talked honest, and he treated them like, he treated them with respect and as a woman. | ||
| And so I learned a lot from him, but when my dad died, I went to this little place called Comfort Zone Camp. | ||
| It's a camp for kids that have lost their dads. | ||
| And so I was in L.A. We helped to build the L.A. camp. | ||
| And my wife and I did. | ||
| But I met her there. | ||
| But we helped build these camps for these kids that all their dads had died in drive-bys. | ||
| So you meet all these 12-year-old kids that are going in. | ||
| They're getting recruited by gangs already because their 23-year-old dads have been killed. | ||
| They're 25-year-old dads. | ||
| Grief was a huge part early on. | ||
| And so for me, when I got out of my really rock bottom and I realized it's time to get going, where I figured that out, the doing good versus doing bad, was at this camp. | ||
| I got addicted to that camp. | ||
| I volunteered every single weekend. | ||
| And I would just go away for three nights and hang out with these kids. | ||
| And that's when I got my new addiction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's amazing. | ||
| It changed my life. | ||
| That place changed my life. | ||
| I met my wife there. | ||
| I came up with a new business. | ||
| My business, Clutter Cleaner. | ||
| I came up with it there, helping these kids. | ||
| I met a lot of great women. | ||
| And met my wife there. | ||
| So I wouldn't have what I have. | ||
| How did you pull yourself out of the gambling spiral? | ||
| You said you found yourself in a ditch. | ||
| I ran like a fucking chicken, man. | ||
| I mean, I got my ass kicked by a bookie. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You owe the money. | ||
| I owed $40,000. | ||
| The night before, I had $10 left to my name. | ||
| I knew I owed this bookie. | ||
| I think it was $40,000. | ||
| It was a lot. | ||
| I knew I only had $10 in my pocket. | ||
| My girlfriend was waiting for me. | ||
| I was in Lake Tahoe. | ||
| She was waiting for me at the top of the hill up at Heavenly. | ||
| I was gambling all night. | ||
| I had $5 in my mind. | ||
| I thought I had $5 at the end of the night. | ||
| I was like, I better put this down. | ||
| I've got to get a cab ride home. | ||
| I was giving up. | ||
| I had $5 to my name. | ||
| And I owed $40,000 to the bookie. | ||
| $40,000. | ||
| Yeah, which for a 24-year-old kid not making that is a lot of money. | ||
| And so I put the chip down, lost, came out. | ||
| I had no money. | ||
| I lost my last dollar. | ||
| Came out. | ||
| I had nothing. | ||
| And I was like, I got a fucking problem. | ||
| And so I was looking at the cabbie, and he's like the guy that drove me back every night. | ||
| And he was like, you know, he looked at me, and I was like, I got no money, man. | ||
| So I started walking uphill, five miles uphill to the ski resort. | ||
| Pfft. | ||
| Tahoe's a very awesome, isolating place. | ||
| So it was a five-mile incline road as we went up. | ||
| And I'm walking up this thing, and he came up, picked me up, and he was like, dude, you gotta get your life together, man. | ||
| You gotta quit gambling. | ||
| And at that point, I was still judging people, and I was like, this poor, stupid cab driver. | ||
| No God knows what happened to him. | ||
| And I was totally judging him, yet he's saving me. | ||
| He's picking me up. | ||
| And so I'm still treating this guy, in my mind, like a piece of shit. | ||
| And he picks me up, he drops me off, and I'm like, can I give you anything? | ||
| He's like, dude, just stop gambling. | ||
| And he looked at me like, just fucking stop. | ||
| And that's what made you stop? | ||
| Well, and I called my mom the next morning, and she's like, you're on your own. | ||
| So then I called the bookie, and I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do, man. | ||
| I don't have the money. | ||
| I mean, this was like a movie. | ||
| He's like, no worries, man. | ||
| Everything's going to be fine. | ||
| We'll work it out. | ||
| What do you have? | ||
| I was like, I might be able to scrounge up $1,000. | ||
| He goes, no worries. | ||
| Come on down. | ||
| I'll meet you down this afternoon. | ||
| So I was like, this isn't like movies at all. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| We're going to work it out. | ||
| And I went down. | ||
| He took the thousand bucks and he beat the shit out of me. | ||
| Broke my nose. | ||
| I totally was just clueless. | ||
| And he just broke my nose and beat the shit out of me. | ||
| That was my rock bottom. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? | ||
| So I called around. | ||
| I called an old boss. | ||
| And I told him what it is. | ||
| My mom had already said, you're on your own. | ||
| Find a legal way out. | ||
| out and that was the night where I put a lot of dumb shit on the board I mean I was like all right I'll just be a prostitute or I'll do whatever like I was like I'll you know I was like I can be mentally strong I can figure this out and I was lying to myself saying I can figure this out wow and so ended up an old boss got me a job in Chicago and he goes when can you get this was a Tuesday night and he goes when can you get there and I was like Friday he goes you start Friday they're gonna pay off the bookie but you're gonna have to work for a year to pay that They're going to take it out, peace out, every night. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I was like, great, thank you. | ||
| And I literally, my buddy, I didn't have money to get home, so I had to play poker that night, borrowed 50 bucks from my buddy, and won enough money playing poker to get gas money. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And that's how I drove home, and I never gambled again. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You just quit? | ||
| I ran away. | ||
| I still run away. | ||
| I still run away today. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is the worst week for me, the NCAA tournament. | ||
| Oh, you were a basketball person? | ||
| Killing me. | ||
| Oh my God, I love it. | ||
| So do you still watch it? | ||
| Oh yeah, love it. | ||
| Oh wow, no. | ||
| I just don't do the sheets. | ||
| I delete all the emails. | ||
| I just can't do the sheets. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| So you're just battling it every day, huh? | ||
| You know, I don't... | ||
| Sort of, but you have a handle on it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I haven't gambled in eight years. | ||
| Eight years? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, my kids are just wearing me out now. | ||
| I don't really have the effort for that kind of stuff anymore. | ||
| Does it still draw you, though? | ||
| Every once in a while I get that itch. | ||
| Yeah, every once in a while I get that. | ||
| Like, I had it this year. | ||
| I had a really bad itch. | ||
| And I had a flight to Vegas to do a Hoarders episode. | ||
| And it wasn't even in Vegas. | ||
| I just had a three-hour layover. | ||
| And I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going downtown. | ||
| And I got excited. | ||
| And I hadn't had that itch in a long time. | ||
| Like, I can drink, I can smoke, I can do whatever because I can walk away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I can't walk away from a table. | ||
| That's my weakness. | ||
| I don't know how to walk away. | ||
| If I have a dollar or ten grand, I'm going to fucking blow it. | ||
| So is it your special brain chemistry, whatever it is in your mind? | ||
| For me, that's it. | ||
| When gambling comes up, you just bing! | ||
| I love it. | ||
| That's my ultimate way of shoving it to the man. | ||
| I'm like, I'm better than you. | ||
| I can do this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's what it is? | ||
| Yeah, it's a self-worth thing. | ||
| I was looking for self-worth. | ||
| So a gamble, how do you get self-worth out of a gamble? | ||
| For me, that's where it went, man. | ||
| I mean, for you, you might get, I mean, where do you get your self-worth? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I'm trying not to think about it. | ||
| Yeah, my new thing now is like, I really know that I'm making a difference on these podcasts. | ||
| So I dig that. | ||
| I'm starting to get it. | ||
| That's where I'm getting my rush. | ||
| What is your podcast called again? | ||
| It's called Five Decisions Away. | ||
| Five Decisions Away. | ||
| And what is essentially, what is it? | ||
| Well, it just recounts all my mistakes over the last 15 years. | ||
| I was doing a hoarder's in New York City where this guy had an acre in Brooklyn. | ||
| A massive property in Brooklyn. | ||
| This guy inherited it from his dad. | ||
| It had about six feet of bicycles all the way through the yard. | ||
| So an acre at six feet high. | ||
| Think of the metal. | ||
| The value of that metal was probably $100,000 in metal. | ||
| And he had a bum living in his yard. | ||
| So inside the hoard, there was a bum living there. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And that was one of the things we had to clean up. | ||
| We had to get rid of the bum. | ||
| So I was literally... | ||
| I mean, this was two years ago. | ||
| I'm sitting here in Brooklyn, hanging out with this bum. | ||
| His name is Gregory. | ||
| I'll never forget him. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| And this is the cool thing about hoarders. | ||
| I get to meet all these dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I was like, all right, Gregory, how'd you end up here, man? | ||
| Because he had... | ||
| I mean, he had a bunch of, like, 40 ounces. | ||
| He had a bunch of... | ||
| He had a bunch of these Magnum condoms. | ||
| And so I was like... | ||
| Fuck yeah, this guy's getting more ass than I am and he lives in a fucking shack! | ||
| Turns out he was huffing. | ||
| I didn't realize he was just huffing gasoline. | ||
| Huffing gasoline with the condoms? | ||
| Yeah, they would fill up the condoms with the fumes. | ||
| I thought he was getting ass. | ||
| I didn't realize he was just trying to get high. | ||
| Don't knock it, Joe. | ||
| Hey, it is what it is, man. | ||
| Wasn't there a show on recently where a woman had an addiction with drinking gasoline? | ||
| Yeah, my strange addiction. | ||
| What was that about? | ||
| You pretty much said it. | ||
| She was drinking gasoline. | ||
| She really would just drink gasoline. | ||
| She loved it. | ||
| There's people that do crazy things like sleeping with hair dryers is really big. | ||
| I've seen Eating Glass. | ||
| I read the other day, my wife forwarded me this thing. | ||
| Apparently, second to porn, the most downloaded stuff is watching fat people. | ||
| People pay money To watch a fat person, stream live a fat person just living. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Second to porn. | ||
| No, I like the naked fat girls. | ||
| Second to porn? | ||
| They pay to watch fat people. | ||
| So there apparently is tons of websites. | ||
| There was some girl on... | ||
| She was on TV. My wife saw it. | ||
| There's people out there that you would pay a monthly fee to just stream live to watch this fat person walk around. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That doesn't do it for me. | ||
| But gambling did. | ||
| To me, I think everything is related. | ||
| And the whole reason I do well on Hoarders is because I've been lower... | ||
| Or made worse decisions they ever have. | ||
| And so they trust me. | ||
| And I am able to... | ||
| They know that. | ||
| And I scream that story to them. | ||
| So by the time I get to meet with a hoarder, I'm already part of their family. | ||
| Because they know I'm not about to judge them. | ||
| Period. | ||
| So you're just helping them and pulling all their junk out. | ||
| Yeah, it's easy to throw stuff away. | ||
| Now I also don't mind... | ||
| I get the bad stuff. | ||
| So I get like... | ||
| 200 dead cats. | ||
| Does that cat shit drive you crazy? | ||
| The urine is what gets me. | ||
| The urine, I can't do the urine. | ||
| The shit, you don't smell. | ||
| The urine is much stronger. | ||
| I mean, seeing the actual dead cats. | ||
| Oh, no, I hate cats. | ||
| I could give a shit about it. | ||
| I'm happy with dead cats. | ||
| Dead cats make me smell. | ||
| Now, dead dogs, it's hard. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| It bums you out? | ||
| Yeah, I saw one where a dog, a lab, was just laying in a cage, dead, and that was really sad for me. | ||
| But, like, I see 100 dead cats, I think it's funny. | ||
| Why was it dead? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Starvation? | |
| Yeah, starvation. | ||
| It was really sad, yeah. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| But it's weird. | ||
| Why is it any different from a dog from a cat? | ||
| It shouldn't. | ||
| You know, the diapers is my favorite. | ||
| Now, I laugh. | ||
| I fucking love... | ||
| I mean, I did one where this lady... | ||
| We had a really bad earthquake earlier this year on the East Coast. | ||
| And it's right near Washington, D.C. And I was literally filming a Hoarders episode. | ||
| I'm standing... | ||
| This lady's sitting on her toilet. | ||
| We're on the second floor of an old brick townhouse outside of D.C. And a big house... | ||
| And I'm standing on four feet of her own diapers that she's been tossing in a corner. | ||
| Her own diapers? | ||
| Her own diapers. | ||
| So she'd take a shit in her diaper. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Or she'd have her period in her diaper and then she'd just throw in the corner. | ||
| God. | ||
| And the pile built up to be about four foot high, about six foot across. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What are you dressed like? | ||
| You in a hazmat suit? | ||
| Yeah, that one I was in a hazmat suit. | ||
| Most of the times, I just wear boots and jeans and a... | ||
| And how is she existing in that environment? | ||
| They can live in anything. | ||
| It's like an 80-year-old smoker. | ||
| You know, you see these guys and you're like, you should be dead 20 years ago and he's the toughest fucking guy you've ever met. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, your immune system must be going to war all day. | ||
| We'll be in all hazmat and then they're just sitting there hanging out. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I don't like to, if I'm conversing one-on-one with them, I don't want to have a mask on because I think that's a wall and I don't want to lose that trust with them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But sometimes I'm not going to kill myself. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to die from smelling your shit, stupid. | ||
| The shit doesn't bother me. | ||
| It's like when there's fleas that have sat in your shit and then the flea comes up and sits on me. | ||
| That's when I got an issue. | ||
| I don't want to be like 100 fleas on my face full of your shit. | ||
| Not just shit, your shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's more personal when I know it's yours. | ||
| So anyway, this lady, this was the crazy part. | ||
| This lady. | ||
| This is the crazy part. | ||
| Yeah, I ain't got any good part yet. | ||
| Wait for it. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| So then, I'm talking to her about like, tell me the first, I was like, I understand how you, after 10 years, you can throw your diapers. | ||
| That's easy. | ||
| I said, but the first time you made the decision, I'm not going to shit in the toilet. | ||
| I'm going to just throw this in the corner. | ||
| I was like, the first time is the hard decision. | ||
| So like, that's what I was trying to get to her. | ||
| What did you think? | ||
| Why were you thinking this is okay? | ||
| Where did you justify in your head that this is an acceptable behavior? | ||
| So it's that first decision what's so important to me. | ||
| And as I'm asking these questions, the house starts to shake sideways. | ||
| And I'm like, hmm, maybe we just got hit by a truck. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, the house starts to shake up and down. | ||
| And by the way, there's a 300-pound camera guy right behind me as well. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I was like, holy fuck, this must be... | ||
| I've never had an earthquake before. | ||
| I was like, this must be an earthquake. | ||
| And the house is just, it's like, I mean, it's like Hulu-ing. | ||
| I mean, it's just a circle. | ||
| And I'm like, everybody's freaking out. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck out! | ||
| I'm screaming, everybody, get out, get out! | ||
| And I run down the steps, and I look at her, and I'm like, I don't want to die under your shit. | ||
| That's the worst place to die, under your shit. | ||
| And I realize I'm screaming this at this lady in front of 30 people. | ||
| And it was worse for her than the goddamn earthquake. | ||
| Me telling her I don't want to die under her shit. | ||
| And I felt so bad. | ||
| And I was like, I just almost died in a fucking house and I'm worried about, you know, upsetting this lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But like that was, you never know what you're going to hit. | ||
| I mean, that's what I love about my job also. | ||
| I mean, you know, I went in that day. | ||
| So did you just feel like you just crossed a line? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| I crossed a line with her and I still apologized to her every time I talked to her. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you knew she was crazy going in there to like to say, you're crazy once you're there. | ||
| Yeah, you don't say it. | ||
| It's obvious. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like telling a girl with big tits that she has big tits. | ||
| Like you don't need to say it. | ||
| Everyone knows. | ||
| Sometimes you let her know. | ||
| Privately, yeah. | ||
| Let her know what's up. | ||
| Book her in the back and let her know. | ||
| Let her know you know. | ||
| Don't be scared to let her know you know. | ||
| Don't try to keep all your cards under the table. | ||
| Right, Brian Redband? | ||
| I often find that I think I'm a hoarder. | ||
| And it's because I'm such a tech dork that every one of these things that you see here comes with a cable, an instruction book, and I feel like I have to save that because I'm going to need it later. | ||
| That is hoarding tendencies, believe it or not. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I mean, we get guys that they want to fix. | ||
| I can fix this. | ||
| I can fix this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If they hold on to things. | ||
| Now, you obviously know the limits. | ||
| Yeah, I know the limits to a point, but also that and clothes are my two horrible things. | ||
| I just, I hate fucking folding clothes or hanging up clothes, so I just kind of like keep them in like piles in my closet. | ||
| Like, it's pretty, that's the two things, though. | ||
| I have a million uber douchey MMA t-shirts that people have given me that I'll never wear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a battle axe into a skull, you know, like, chop your head off, fight gear. | ||
| You must get so much stuff from people, because you're like kind of one of the... | ||
| One of the original dudes. | ||
| It's cool in some ways. | ||
| I get, you know, people send me, like, cool equipment. | ||
| So it's good in that way. | ||
| I get cleaning supplies. | ||
| I mean, nonstop. | ||
| People send me equipment they want me to use in a house, you know? | ||
| Well, I mean, it's good to get that shit for free, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, I just give it to the hoarder. | ||
| I'm a minimalist. | ||
| I don't want anything. | ||
| How many people that you go in and sort of intervene and restructure their life, how many of them does it stick with? | ||
| This is the number one question. | ||
| If they invest in the therapy, and I say invest, I don't mean money, I mean time. | ||
| If you invest fully in the therapy process, It's about 60% with my guys. | ||
| 60%? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you don't do the therapy, guaranteed 100% failure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It'll be full within two months. | ||
| And usually faster. | ||
| Now, and I don't want to say... | ||
| You said 60% success? | ||
| Yeah, but I don't want to say... | ||
| It's not always traditional therapy. | ||
| A lot of these... | ||
| When you see me on hoarders, these are stage 5 hoarders, which they're the worst. | ||
| I mean, they haven't... | ||
| They've literally been shitting in their living room for 20 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeez. | |
| Okay, so I mean, I'm talking extreme, extreme. | ||
| So traditional therapy is not going to work with them. | ||
| So I don't want to act like if you just talk therapy, it's not for everybody. | ||
| And so a lot of my stage five hoarders, there's a lot of Western therapy that's actually amazing. | ||
| There's a lot of post-traumatic stress disorder, light therapies that we're doing with a lot of, that the guys are doing with all the guys coming back from Iraq now. | ||
| Those are some really fucked up guys. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| It's this light therapy that they... | ||
| They hit them with all these light treatments, and it actually helps them remember whatever that tragic event was, whatever the trigger was. | ||
| And it helps them go back to that. | ||
| Because most of these, like a hoarder... | ||
| That sounds crazy. | ||
| I think it's fat. | ||
| I'm not a doctor. | ||
| I mean, I'm a trash guy. | ||
| But the therapists that we work with, we brought in some new homeopathic doctors that have come in, and we found that traditional medicine may not always be right for hoarders. | ||
| What is a homeopathic doctor going to give him? | ||
| Is there something in their fucking homeopathic book about hoarding ginger root? | ||
| Acupuncture does some crazy stuff, man. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Is acupuncture legit, Brian? | ||
| Joey Diaz fucking swears by it. | ||
| That's all he talks about. | ||
| It's totally legit. | ||
| Is it legit or is it one of those power bracelet things? | ||
| Well, if you believe in it, yeah, sure. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| I had acupuncture done once on an injury, on a neck injury. | ||
| I don't think it did shit. | ||
| Well, so for you, it's not legit. | ||
| But I was open-minded. | ||
| It just didn't work for me at that moment. | ||
| Maybe it was something I needed to do more than once or something. | ||
| And when Joy Diaz describes it, it seems like he says weird shit sometimes. | ||
| Like, oh, this brown juice came out of my foot. | ||
| And I'm like, what's that mean? | ||
| How about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about he was saying, I should put your foot in a bath and you see the impurities come out of your body. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, the impurities are coming out of your feet. | ||
| Like, what are you, a fucking plant? | ||
| I've had brown shit. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I've had brown shit on my feet, but I'm not coming out of it. | ||
| That doesn't even make sense. | ||
| There's, like, a lot of, like, pseudo-medicine talk that these people throw around, and I always get confused. | ||
| I never know what's real and what's just a crock of shit. | ||
| I'm old school, man. | ||
| If it works for you, and I believe this with faith, with medicine, whatever. | ||
| If it works for you, cool. | ||
| It may be totally fake in my world, but in your world, if it works for you, I'm fine with it. | ||
| Have you ever met one of those crazy dudes that's like a healer that says you can line up your meridians and touch you in certain places? | ||
| Makes you take off all your clothes in the back of his car. | ||
| Yeah, he just wants you to take his pants off. | ||
| I've seen guys that have smart guys convinced that they can actually do that. | ||
| Oh yeah, I mean. | ||
| I've seen that with real successful people, and they'll start telling you how great this guy is. | ||
| I'm telling you, it doesn't make sense. | ||
| This guy, he's like some sort of a shaman or something. | ||
| He knows how to line up your meridians. | ||
| And you meet the guy, and if you are like me, you probably have a very highly tuned sense of... | ||
| I got two seconds on a bullshit to take. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, wah, wrong! | ||
| Get the fuck out of my face, man. | ||
| Well, at least you're still talking to Andy Dick. | ||
| Andy Dick is not full of shit, I'll tell you that. | ||
| Don't say that about Andy. | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| That is one thing Andy is not. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I love Andy. | ||
| He's definitely not full of shit, though. | ||
| Andy, he's crazy, but he's not full of shit. | ||
| But, yeah, this guy was doing all this to these dudes that I knew. | ||
| They were successful dudes. | ||
| And I had to come along and meet this fella and started asking him about the science behind what he does. | ||
| The more you get deep into questions, the more it starts crumbling. | ||
| Like, where did you learn this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this? | |
| Well, you probably just were reading this and never stopped with the questions. | ||
| Well, it was just ridiculous. | ||
| It was preposterous. | ||
| It involved turquoise. | ||
| And he also did the thing, he did something that I really don't like. | ||
| He did something that I really don't like. | ||
| He reached over and pinched a hold of my trap muscle while we were talking. | ||
| You ever have a conversation with someone and they're holding on to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not hard. | ||
| He broke your personal space. | ||
| Yeah, but it wasn't even to the point where it wasn't I was not insulting him. | ||
| So you might say, oh, this guy was about to get physical. | ||
| It was not that. | ||
| He was being very friendly, like a friendly gesture. | ||
| A preacher hug. | ||
| It was a weird, like he had a light pinch on me. | ||
| It was like a light pinch. | ||
| It was just a little, just something that made me think, like, why is he doing this? | ||
| That's a control thing. | ||
| That's a control thing. | ||
| You ever talk to a dude and they hold your knee? | ||
| They lean in, they hold your knee, and then they want to tell you, and I'll tell you what, right now, Matt, I didn't know what I was going to do. | ||
| They're like, why the fuck are you holding my knee? | ||
| It's magic. | ||
| It's diversion. | ||
| They were diverting you from whatever was really going on. | ||
| It enhances the moment. | ||
| So the guy did that when he was talking to me, which automatically makes me feel like he's a charlatan. | ||
| Pickpocketer. | ||
| If I know that this guy is a hustle, he's a mental hustle, this is what he's doing, I mean, obviously he's tricking these people into thinking that he's healing them, or maybe he is magic. | ||
| It's a power play, man. | ||
| Let's just leave that on the table. | ||
| But when a guy does a psychological move like that, where he just reaches, I mean, that's really like, it's really base. | ||
| That's not complicated at all. | ||
| It's really obvious. | ||
| If somebody reaches in and holds on to you, it's an odd move. | ||
| I do that when a hoarder's in. | ||
| When in a bad moment, I make sure I got a hand on her back as a hug. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| On purpose, though. | ||
| But that's on purpose. | ||
| That's to give good energy. | ||
| That's to, like, the comforter. | ||
| Yeah, but it's the same thing for negative energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it wasn't even this dude wasn't even being negative. | ||
| He was just, he was going to make me uncomfortable, and I was just going to go along with what he was saying. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| See what it is, yeah. | ||
| I think that's what they do. | ||
| Like, a really good con man will make you uncomfortable, and all of a sudden, you're going along with what they're saying, and then you start justifying your actions, and then you're a part of it, and you start telling everybody else how great it is. | ||
| But a con man is great at what he does. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, this guy wasn't bad at it. | ||
| He just wasn't stand-up comedian ready. | ||
| I've been a stand-up comedian for 23 years. | ||
| If you're full of shit, I'm going to look at you immediately and go, oh, look at this guy. | ||
| It's very rare, unless someone's a real sociopath, it's very rare that I don't think something's wrong immediately. | ||
| And even the sociopaths. | ||
| There's a natural way of interacting with people that some people just don't possess. | ||
| They don't possess that because they're fucking crazy. | ||
| And you can tell pretty quickly when you're talking to someone whether or not they have or have. | ||
| But how disturbing is it when you have friends that don't see that? | ||
| Makes you reevaluate your friendships. | ||
| But it's not even that they're bad people. | ||
| Just that, like, hey, knucklehead, you're in a cult. | ||
| Do you understand you're in a cult? | ||
| I get that with the damn Amway, man. | ||
| I get so upset when I find out a true friend is, like, selling Amway all of a sudden. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is Amway? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You're a pyramid scheme. | ||
| It's like, you're a good friend. | ||
| Like, I trust you. | ||
| You're a good friend. | ||
| And here you are trying to sell me on something. | ||
| And I realize it's not that they were sold. | ||
| I mean, they're totally blind to this right now. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, my God. | ||
| Like, you fell for this. | ||
| Like, I feel really bad. | ||
| But it does make me reevaluate my friendship with this person. | ||
| I've had to talk John Heffron out of four or five different pyramid schemes. | ||
| John Heffron will call you every other month for some new thing. | ||
| Well, all I have to do is invest $20,000, and this is what other guys have gotten out of this. | ||
| It's yellow Windex. | ||
| He always has some new thing where he's going to train. | ||
| I'm going to train businesses how to write jokes, and they're going to make their own advertisement, and I'm going to do it all in-house. | ||
| He's always got these wacky ideas. | ||
| He's doing a lot of these shows where he does conference calls. | ||
| We haven't done a podcast in, I don't know, months. | ||
| And then I asked him recently, he's like, yeah, I'm on the road for 17 weeks. | ||
| And I'm like, are you fucking serious? | ||
| He's on the road for 17 weeks in a row? | ||
| 17 weeks in a row. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Does he come home at all? | ||
| Probably a day, maybe, at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Hefron's an animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a road animal. | ||
| Have you had an episode that you couldn't show for whatever reason? | ||
| Like, was there an evidence scene, a body, or anything like that? | ||
| Yeah, we do get a lot of crime scene situations. | ||
| Like, you'll... | ||
| I mean, I personally have not on the show. | ||
| I mean, privately, we've found a lot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| One of the other guys on there, he had one the other day that... | ||
| This guy, Corey Chalmers, who's also on Hoarders, and he went into a job, was cleaning the house, and they found the lady's husband wrapped up in a... | ||
| He'd been dead for, like, five years. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And she just didn't get around to calling the cops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| But in her mind, in a hoarder's mind, that makes total sense. | ||
| Tomorrow, I'm going to call. | ||
| Tomorrow, I'm going to do this. | ||
| When I talked about that mental violence earlier, it's that mental violence. | ||
| There's so much going on in their head that they can't... | ||
| I had a lady, she told me, her mind is a massive spreadsheet, Excel spreadsheet. | ||
| And she says, it's as many columns and as many rows as it can go. | ||
| And she goes, it's not that I can't let go of something. | ||
| She goes, I have to check it off. | ||
| And she starts back up at one. | ||
| So the problem is she might get through a thousand things in one day and only 600 of them got checked off and this is all in her mind. | ||
| But when she wakes up the next morning, she's got to start back at number one. | ||
| And she's added another 5,000 things on the bottom of the screen. | ||
| Her mind is working that hard. | ||
| So for this lady, her husband died. | ||
| She wrapped him in a damn shower curtain. | ||
| And she's like, okay, I better call. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| This is not bullshit. | ||
| This is real life, guys. | ||
| This is what happens in a hoarder's mind. | ||
| You don't see it in a half hour show. | ||
| I think it's fascinating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there a medical term? | |
| Fucking crazy, probably, is the town that most people use. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking crazy. | |
| They're not crazy. | ||
| And I hate that word crazy. | ||
| They're not crazy. | ||
| It's a mental disorder. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They're fucking crazy. | ||
| You just said it. | ||
| Don't say that there's anything wrong with being crazy because I'm crazy. | ||
| I think we're all a little crazy. | ||
| Everyone that I like is crazy. | ||
| Every single person that I like is crazy. | ||
| That's a goddamn fact. | ||
| They're just nice. | ||
| They're crazy and nice. | ||
| If you're not a little crazy, you haven't done anything. | ||
| You're boring and I have no value. | ||
| Try to tell me Joey Diaz isn't crazy. | ||
| Try to tell me Duncan isn't crazy. | ||
| Try to tell me you're not crazy, bitch. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| You stuck me in the room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got a fucking... | |
| 37 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got a clock that makes cat noises. | |
| I did see a cat clock over there. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a goddamn... | ||
| I've seen a few of those. | ||
| There's 50 cats in front of you, too. | ||
| The logo is a cat here. | ||
| One of the old... | ||
| The old hoarder's joke is, I hate cats so much I won't eat pussy anymore. | ||
| Oh, that's so rude. | ||
| You just get so sick of it, man. | ||
| You just haven't had a good cat. | ||
| Get full bread. | ||
| Why do you hate cats so much? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it about? | |
| The smell, man. | ||
| The smell just... | ||
| Well, you're seeing the worst case scenarios, you know? | ||
| Yeah, I'm associated with hoarder. | ||
| I mean, cats... | ||
| From my house, my cat's nice. | ||
| Cats exemplify, for a hoarder, they exemplify easy love. | ||
| It's the easiest way to get love. | ||
| It's easier investing in a human relationship. | ||
| And a cat is a survivor. | ||
| Cats will scrap to any level. | ||
| They will not die. | ||
| For a cat to die naturally, a human couldn't live to that extreme. | ||
| Do cats eat other cats? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| The minute a cat dies, the other guy's going to eat you. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| So we'll find a bunch of their eyes are eating out and their intestines are all eating out. | ||
| Cats are scravengers, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're just trying to eat. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| So that's common. | ||
| It changes it for you, yeah. | ||
| We had an animal expert tell me one time, she's like, you know when a cat's up there licking your face when you're asleep? | ||
| It's literally waiting for your last breath. | ||
| It doesn't love you. | ||
| It's not there to hang out with you. | ||
| It's there to fucking kill you. | ||
| How many people get eaten by their cats after they die? | ||
| Is that like super common? | ||
| I'm sure there's a bunch. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I bet it is pretty common, right? | ||
| Dogs also, though. | ||
| Dogs do that as well? | ||
| They eat people when they die? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| If a dog's left in an apartment with only you to eat... | ||
| They're going to eat you. | ||
| It goes back to my boy Ronnie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, you got to do what you got to do to survive. | |
| Cats are going to do the same thing. | ||
| Animals will do it. | ||
| So are people, man. | ||
| You got to do what you got to do. | ||
| And when you're pushed to that limit, you got to do what you got to do. | ||
| Remind me not to piss that guy off. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| He stays in solitary for five years thinking about kicking a dude's ass. | ||
| I did Stern the other day, and he was like, man, you must be a really tough guy. | ||
| And I was like, nope, my guys are. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I was like, I've never thrown a fist. | ||
| I've never thrown a punch in my life, but I don't have to because I got some really tough dudes behind me. | ||
| If you're a douchebag, most of the time you're never going to have to hit anybody. | ||
| If you're not a douchebag, rather. | ||
| If you're a nice person, how often is it really going to come up? | ||
| I hope never. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| My wife's going to fucking hit me before someone else gets a chance. | ||
| Does she throw? | ||
| She would, yeah. | ||
| She's a tough girl. | ||
| She's a very tough girl. | ||
| Now, you were in the ditch. | ||
| You got beat up by this fucking guy. | ||
| Now, how do you go from that to cleaning crazy people's houses up? | ||
| You'll laugh. | ||
| For me, I actually, I wanted to, I really enjoy old people. | ||
| I think their stories are fascinating. | ||
| And so I actually wanted to start a senior relocation business, which is moving old ladies. | ||
| And I was like, that'll be neat. | ||
| You get to sit down with them, sort through their stuff, hear their stories. | ||
| For me, it was the Greek thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| You were, like, seeking out the stories of old ladies? | ||
| Yes, they're fascinating. | ||
| Old ladies that, like, their husbands have died in the war. | ||
| They never got remarried. | ||
| They have all this cool shit. | ||
| Their stories are fascinating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like, amazing. | ||
| I always thought that'd be a cool podcast, just to have one old lady from a neighborhood each week to just come in. | ||
| That would depress the fuck out of me. | ||
| No, like, this one lady down the street from me, I was helping her clean her garage out, and her husband had died, and he had just died of Alzheimer's. | ||
| It was really sad. | ||
| And we start talking, and I realized she had a tattoo on her wrist, some numbers. | ||
| And I was like, oh, she was a concentration camp. | ||
| And I was like, do you mind me asking about that? | ||
| And she's like, oh, sure. | ||
| And she starts talking, and she clearly describes the dude. | ||
| I mean, her husband, her father, it's ironic, her father and her brother died in the concentration camps. | ||
| But she met her husband there, in a concentration camp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They get to America. | ||
| They re-find each other in America. | ||
| They have 50 years together, all that. | ||
| He dies of Alzheimer's. | ||
| And she said, I can still, she goes, I could pick out the guy, the U.S. soldier that opened the door to our, to whatever, you know, the box they were in. | ||
| She goes, I can see the day we were saved. | ||
| And it was about a 30-minute story explaining this guy. | ||
| And she's the minute that I realized we were free. | ||
| And like those stories to me are fucking amazing, right? | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| And then she was upset because her husband died from Alzheimer's and she's like, I mean this 80 year old lady basically saying to me, fuck Alzheimer's. | ||
| I mean we beat Hitler and we beat everything and now this damn disease takes my husband. | ||
| It was a very honest and very just fascinating moment. | ||
| And so for me, like, I love shit like that. | ||
| And so that's why I wanted to hang out with the old ladies. | ||
| Like, my generation, I ain't gonna have anything like that, man. | ||
| Like, that's, I mean, she saw cars. | ||
| She saw, like, you know, I mean, bathrooms. | ||
| Did she talk about that? | ||
| Yeah, she didn't talk about anything. | ||
| If you ask, they will talk. | ||
| But they're not pretentious like us. | ||
| They're not gonna tell you shit. | ||
| If you ask, they will answer. | ||
| So when did you get into this hobby of talking to old ladies about the past? | ||
| It's kind of trippy. | ||
| My grandpa always got... | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| I think they're fascinating. | ||
| I think it's interesting. | ||
| I'm not a big reader. | ||
| I'm a listener. | ||
| That's why the podcast is so good for me. | ||
| I love listening to stuff. | ||
| I love fascinating stories. | ||
| I lived actually the first year out of college. | ||
| My mom moved to England. | ||
| So I lived in her apartment. | ||
| And it was in a retirement community. | ||
| So my first year out of college... | ||
| I was the only dude under like 60. Did any of them try to bang you? | ||
| One guy did. | ||
| A guy did? | ||
| No, I'm kidding. | ||
| How much did he pay you? | ||
| 100 bucks, 100 bucks. | ||
| So you went from that? | ||
| Well, I went and I tried. | ||
| And the thing was, in my town, there was a business that was very good at senior relocation. | ||
| And I could never beat them. | ||
| I couldn't compete against them. | ||
| So for me, it was totally a business decision. | ||
| I went to this competitor and I said, what do you not do? | ||
| She goes, we won't clean the messy ones. | ||
| And I was like, well, that's what I'm going to do. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And so it was strictly, I couldn't beat this woman in business, the lady that owned the bigger company. | ||
| So I had to just do what she didn't do. | ||
| Wow, how clever are you? | ||
| That's a pragmatic dude. | ||
| My grandpa was always, he just said, you find out what no one wants to do and then do that. | ||
| And they'll pay you a lot of money. | ||
| Your grandfather and your father gave you the fucking worst advice ever. | ||
| I think it's great advice. | ||
| But it was great advice. | ||
| But they were like, listen kid, you're not good looking. | ||
| You fucking do what nobody else is willing to do. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm glad I found that out at 14 and not at 44. I know, but it's so funny. | ||
| That's kind of broken to say to your son. | ||
| The brutal frankness. | ||
| Listen, my jeans suck, so do yours. | ||
| Let's skip past that. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| He's like, it is what it is, let's move on. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Get on strategy on what you can do. | ||
| So do you have a lot of self-confidence issues because of this? | ||
| No, I'm very confident. | ||
| Yeah, he was telling you earlier, that's what his dad told him. | ||
| I mean, no, about your looks. | ||
| If you're interested in my looks, you totally missed the point. | ||
| Like, I'm not handsome. | ||
| See, look. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| You said you're not handsome. | ||
| Why don't you think? | ||
| You're a very handsome man. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| You're not a bad looking dude. | ||
| You're not freakishly ugly. | ||
| No. | ||
| So that's what's important. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| You look clean cut and nice. | ||
| Have a great personality and don't be freakishly ugly. | ||
| I've never... | ||
| I did fine. | ||
| I've never gone without a nice-looking woman, and they were never attracted to my looks. | ||
| They were attracted to my confidence in what I do. | ||
| What I actually do for people. | ||
| You should be in a Tom Cruise movie. | ||
| He could be in Magnolia. | ||
| He could be one of the guys that Tom Cruise created. | ||
| I don't know how tall Tom Cruise is, but I hear that I'm like 5'2", so he might be bigger than that. | ||
| Let me tell you, you're a lot fucking bigger than I thought you were going to be. | ||
| Okay, that sounds weird. | ||
| He's got thickness to it, too. | ||
| I'm so excited to see you, man. | ||
| I like girth to that. | ||
| Yeah, I was really excited to talk to you, man. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Is this the kind of stuff you wanted to talk to? | ||
| Oh, anything, man. | ||
| I get blown away by this stuff. | ||
| I'm fascinated by your past, for sure. | ||
| I love the stories of people feeling that they're going crazy and then pulling themselves out. | ||
| I've been really lucky with my addictions in the past, but I certainly know that I'm susceptible. | ||
| That's why I stay away from video games. | ||
| I've never really gambled. | ||
| Yeah, I've never played video games. | ||
| The only thing I've ever gambled on was playing pool, and I was never good enough to win any money or to be a threat. | ||
| Old school pool hall guys are dangerous, man. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I knew, what I'm saying is I knew what I was capable of, so I don't have a big enough ego to get roped in. | ||
| One of the ways that guys get roped in is you'll play a guy and he'll barely lose to you, and then he'll start trying to raise the stakes, or he'll barely beat you, and you think that he got lucky. | ||
| You think you're ahead. | ||
| Yeah, and you think you can get back at him. | ||
| So he drags you into this deep water, and then all of a sudden he starts running out, and then he starts playing Perfect Pool, and you're like, what the fuck just happened? | ||
| Oh, you just got hustled. | ||
| He pretended to be a certain level, and really he was much better than that. | ||
| I was always real aware that I wasn't that good, so you couldn't do that to me. | ||
| I knew exactly how good I was at all times. | ||
| Your bullshit detector is greater than your urge to... | ||
| To gamble. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| You got a bigger high off of calling that guy out than you did off of beating him. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Not even just calling him out. | ||
| Just being aware that someone's busted moves. | ||
| Being aware that there's some fuckery is going down. | ||
| Yeah, but I go back to the self-worth. | ||
| I think everything in life is about trying to get self-worth. | ||
| Trying to get attention and... | ||
| What am I? Me, me, me, me. | ||
| So for you, you got more credit in your own head for calling that guy out and figuring out the situation than you would've for beating him. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I never thought of it that way. | ||
| I always just thought of it as like a natural survival instinct. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, you know, like you could... | ||
| I mean, like in a fight, I always say it's one thing to quit and it's another to strategically stop. | ||
| If I'm fighting one of your buddies... | ||
| That's not quitting. | ||
| That's strategically stopping. | ||
| I know I'm going to die if I don't stop. | ||
| If I just run away... | ||
| Well, the idea... | ||
| Saying don't quit is really stupid because that means one guy's going to probably beat the other guy to death. | ||
| Is that really necessary? | ||
| I mean, how mad are you at somebody? | ||
| I mean, I can understand if someone's trying to kill you and you're using self-defense, using martial arts, and you beat someone to death. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| Some guy tries to rob you and he pulls a knife on you. | ||
| And you get the knife away from that guy and you beat him to death, I'm with you. | ||
| I'm on your side. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But that's not what you want to do most of the time when you get in a fight with someone. | ||
| You're just mad. | ||
| You don't want to beat anybody to death. | ||
| It's never the guy you're beating up. | ||
| So there's a good time to stop and say you're sorry. | ||
| And when a dude's fucking pounding on you... | ||
| And that guy should let you go, and you should say you're sorry, and that guy should let you go, and everybody should be cool about it. | ||
| And that's how it should go down. | ||
| You know, that's the correct way is to quit. | ||
| To me, it's always a balance of, like, how do you get that self-worth that you give yourself credit for it, and then you move on. | ||
| And don't get in arguments where you're right, but the other guy can kick your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, dude, you're totally right. | ||
| Don't get in those arguments, man. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| Especially if you think it might get physical. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Human conflict, man, it would be a lot better if most people knew how to fight. | ||
| I feel I'm not a big fan of gun control, and I feel, especially in this day and age, that there are so many guns out there that... | ||
| For you to try to say that guns shouldn't be available for civilians, to me seems preposterous. | ||
| It seems to me that, you know, you can't control the population in periods of civil unrest. | ||
| We know that's true. | ||
| We know that you're saying that a family should be completely vulnerable in cases where things go terribly wrong, with home invasions and things along those lines. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I'm not a big fan of that. | ||
| But you personally, do you have guns? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, I have guns. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, I'm also not a fan of shooting people. | ||
| You know, I don't think you should go around killing people if you don't have to. | ||
| But, you know, someone stepping in to tell you that you shouldn't have guns, you shouldn't be able to protect yourself. | ||
| Yeah, it's the not having the right to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can take that across anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| I don't want to have an abortion, but I don't want to not have the right to either. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Not to get into that. | ||
| Are you preggers? | ||
| Yeah, I am preggers. | ||
| It's been the first trial. | ||
| I don't even remember how we got on the subject of guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What were we talking about when we got on the subject of guns? | |
| It's a passionate issue. | ||
| Yeah, and I try not to get into politics ever. | ||
| It's not even a politics thing to me. | ||
| It's personal liberty. | ||
| I am not a fan of anyone coming along and telling you what to do. | ||
| As long as what you're doing is not hurting me and not fucking up the environment, you're not polluting the world, you're not killing puppies. | ||
| Go have fun. | ||
| That comes up in hoarding a lot. | ||
| They're like, just leave me alone. | ||
| I'm happy. | ||
| Just let me be. | ||
| I'm happy to tuck in diapers. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm like, you live in... | ||
| I just took 45,000 pounds of shit out of your house. | ||
| Your own shit. | ||
| How do you weigh it like that? | ||
| By the dumpster. | ||
| Yeah, by the ton. | ||
| It's in a dumpster. | ||
| Did you really pull off 45,000 pounds of human shit? | ||
| That's only 20 tons. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's like what? | ||
| Dude, these people just don't like toilets? | ||
| 45,000 pounds of human shit in a guy's house? | ||
| That doesn't even make sense to me. | ||
| I'm not even registering that. | ||
| That's like three of these rooms full. | ||
| To the roof. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's a lot of shit though. | ||
| Think how big your shit is. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| 45,000 pounds of shit. | ||
| It's years. | ||
| I always say it's commitment. | ||
| It's 10 years. | ||
| What does that smell for the neighborhood? | ||
| It's a very... | ||
| You smell it. | ||
| I mean, it's a very citrusy... | ||
| It's very orange. | ||
| It's like orange chocolate. | ||
| Is this guy in an orchard in his yard? | ||
| It's very citrusy. | ||
| Where's this lemony smell coming from? | ||
| The acid breaks down to be more orangey, chocolatey. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Are you being serious? | ||
| I swear to God, I'm not fucking with you. | ||
| Orangey? | ||
| It's very citrusy. | ||
| So it doesn't even smell bad? | ||
| Not to me. | ||
| What? | ||
| The urine is what throws me off. | ||
| The urine will just fucking kill anything. | ||
| Bird shit is the worst. | ||
| Urate. | ||
| It's not actually shit. | ||
| It's like an acid. | ||
| It's called urate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Urate. | |
| I had a lady that was a parrot hoarder. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Man, that was disgusting. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| A parrot hoarder. | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| This is a cult. | ||
| It's an Owen Brothers movie, man. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| I mean, I've seen it all, man. | ||
| Like, this was a great story. | ||
| She had, like, 80... | ||
| I think she had 86 birds. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And I had to take them... | ||
| I had to transport them to a hotel for the vet to look at them. | ||
| And so these are... | ||
| I mean, this is her life, right? | ||
| Fascinating woman. | ||
| Like, we thought she was a bitch. | ||
| Like, she was just so angry. | ||
| And she loved these birds. | ||
| At the point, her husband was in a wheelchair. | ||
| And he couldn't... | ||
| He was ready to come home from the hospital, but he couldn't come to the home because of all the stuff. | ||
| We're like, what a bitch. | ||
| What a horrible person. | ||
| The first night, we transport all the birds to the hotel. | ||
| I'm driving a U-Haul through Seattle. | ||
| This is two years ago. | ||
| I'm still making $12 an hour cleaning up shit at home. | ||
| I think I did it for $500 the whole show, like a whole episode. | ||
| And I was like, 500 bucks is more than I've made in a year. | ||
| So I was so excited. | ||
| Driving a U-Haul with 86 birds. | ||
| I get to the vet and I only have 84 birds. | ||
| Two of them died in transport. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, jeez. | |
| And this lady, this is her life, right? | ||
| Later we found out as we cleaned more and more, she refused to talk to me. | ||
| We have a therapist on set always to make sure that their mental health is just as strong as their physical health. | ||
| And the more the therapist started talking, I was like, I don't think she likes men, period. | ||
| And the more I found out, it turns out her husband beat the shit out of her. | ||
| And that's why she had built this wall. | ||
| She didn't want to clean the house up. | ||
| So he didn't, he was coming back from the hospital. | ||
| She didn't want to. | ||
| She didn't want to come in because she's going to beat the shit out of her again. | ||
| And so we were like, oh, we're done. | ||
| So we didn't clean the house. | ||
| We left it messy for her. | ||
| Because at that point, the worst thing we could do for her is clean the house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And we really slowed down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drastically. | |
| We just cleaned the garage. | ||
| Because I don't want to get them in the house. | ||
| Bummer when you see people completely fucked up, isn't it? | ||
| It does make you feel better about your own life. | ||
| I'll say that. | ||
| You realize. | ||
| And that's why people watch our show. | ||
| Well, people watch your show for the water cooler talk. | ||
| You sit around the water and go, did you fucking see the cats? | ||
| When you hear about 45,000 pounds of shit, do you actually show the shit? | ||
| Yeah, you see me picking it up. | ||
| You see me shoveling it. | ||
| Shoveling human shit. | ||
| They show the dead cats with fucking holes on them. | ||
| Cats is one thing. | ||
| You very rarely see human shit on TV. They'll show it smeared against the wall. | ||
| There's one shot of me on the internet where I'm just sitting there pointing at a diaper and there's shit smeared all behind the wall behind me. | ||
| I was like, wow, I can't believe they put that on there. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| People post it all over Facebook and everything. | ||
| Well, you guys are on A&E, right? | ||
| We're A&E, Monday nights at 9. A&E has, it's cable, and cable's not subject to FCC regulations. | ||
| A lot of people don't know that. | ||
| That's why shows like The Shield got away with being so crazy. | ||
| And Louis, Louis C.K. show, it gets away with being so crazy. | ||
| They're not really, people think that only HBO is allowed to swear. | ||
| Really, cable's allowed to swear. | ||
| They're not really regulated by the FCC because they're a pay service. | ||
| We edit out a lot on Hoarders, obviously. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff we just don't show. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Would you like to show it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, if it was my show, I would change it up a little bit. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| I would get more into the... | ||
| I mean, I would get into the... | ||
| Like, instead of showing a before and after, I would put a half hour on the decision to shit in the oven. | ||
| Making an hour show. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, let's really dig into... | ||
| How bad is your life? | ||
| Don't sugarcoat that you got raped by your uncle. | ||
| Like, just fucking say it. | ||
| Like, I didn't know how bad physical and sexual abuse is in this country. | ||
| Like, it's rampant still, man. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| And, like, let's get into it, and, like, let's not... | ||
| I mean, we show a lot. | ||
| That's what's the cause of all this horror stuff. | ||
| A lot of times, if you see shit on the wall, they got raped as a kid. | ||
| I mean, like, it's awful. | ||
| Like, now I walk into the house, I'll be like, oh, who raped you? | ||
| Your uncle or your dad? | ||
| Well, I did that one time, and the lady's like, oh, it was my uncle. | ||
| How'd you know? | ||
| And I was like, oh fuck, that's real. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it was a joke almost. | ||
| It was a bad joke, but it was a joke. | ||
| That's how you crack jokes when you go over to people's house and stare at their smeared shit. | ||
| Who raped ya? | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| You're always taking a leap of faith with a rape joke, but I've found out... | ||
| That's going to be someone's signature on a message board. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| You're always going to take a leap. | ||
| I'm always embarrassed when they post that stuff because A&E doesn't listen to the podcast. | ||
| Someone will post that. | ||
| They'll post, it's always take a leap of faith on a rape joke. | ||
| Listen, all they need to do is listen to the podcast. | ||
| How do you deal with that on NBC? I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just don't give a shit. | |
| I give it 100%. | ||
| I don't give a fuck sauce. | ||
| At this point, I am who I am. | ||
| If you don't know what you're getting involved with, I'm a good person. | ||
| I'm a nice guy. | ||
| But I'm honest. | ||
| I don't hold it back. | ||
| I'm brutally honest. | ||
| I am there to help them. | ||
| I will do it in a different style. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I will always... | ||
| You should be able to say whatever you want on your message board, on a blog, on a video. | ||
| They definitely police it a little bit, but they're pretty good with me. | ||
| They're pretty good to me. | ||
| Well, your stories are so fascinating. | ||
| I mean, no one should put any restrictions on you. | ||
| You have the best intentions in mind. | ||
| Oh, I ended my day. | ||
| I want to help you. | ||
| I want to help someone, period. | ||
| But when you hear a guy like you talk about how there was one point in time you're thinking about sucking a dick for money, I mean, that's... | ||
| I ain't the first guy that thought that. | ||
| Of course you're not. | ||
| Of course you're not. | ||
| And it's important. | ||
| When someone meets a guy like you and sees you got your shit together, that's a good lesson for someone to learn. | ||
| My wife doesn't love that story. | ||
| I bet she doesn't, man. | ||
| I bet she doesn't. | ||
| But hey, I mean, it's reality. | ||
| It doesn't make you gay. | ||
| It means you were a fucking desperado. | ||
| I think once you suck a dick, that makes you gay. | ||
| For sure? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What if a guy sucks your dick? | ||
| I, um... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There was a guy that came back from Iraq. | ||
| I mean, I've had a lot. | ||
| I've had some women that were pretty awful that sucked my dick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They were, like, manly? | ||
| Just gross. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| But they're still feminine. | ||
| They still had double X chromosome. | ||
| Yeah, but that's it. | ||
| I mean, that's all. | ||
| I mean, technically, they were... | ||
| So you're not proud of that? | ||
| You would be more proud of that than a guy sucking your dick, or no? | ||
| I mean, getting your dick sucked is getting your dick sucked. | ||
| I don't know if that's really the case. | ||
| I'm never worried about the quality of the dick sucking when it's happening. | ||
| No, I could give a shit. | ||
| I'm very concerned with the quality. | ||
| There's nothing worse than a horrible, horrendous... | ||
| No, Mary. | ||
| A horrendous blowjob is a terrible thing. | ||
| No one should have to suffer through that. | ||
| Well, I did have one bad one. | ||
| How could you not have one bad one? | ||
| I had one bad one and she was like... | ||
| What kind of life are you living? | ||
| She thought it was like... | ||
| She thought... | ||
| I mean, not as good as that. | ||
| If you haven't had one crazy blow, at least a few shitty ones. | ||
| She was like... | ||
| She thought she was great. | ||
| Clearly people told her she was wonderful and it was clearly not. | ||
| What was she doing wrong? | ||
| She was like... | ||
| Too much biting and too much... | ||
| Too much teeth. | ||
| It's all about too much teeth. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Who likes teeth? | ||
| Is there a guy out there that likes you to bite his dick? | ||
| No, but the second I feel teeth, it's game over. | ||
| I always say, if you're thinking teeth, think finger in the asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's easier. | ||
| Fingernail in the asshole. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you go to your house, is your house now like super... | ||
| Trust me on that, yeah. | ||
| Say that again. | ||
| If you're out there and you're going to suck some guy's dick, talking to the ladies. | ||
| Right, ladies. | ||
| Don't bite it. | ||
| Don't bite it. | ||
| Just play with his asshole instead. | ||
| Play with his asshole instead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll be much... | |
| Very uncomfortable. | ||
| You'll be much happier. | ||
| Fingernails. | ||
| I'm not asking you to do that. | ||
| I'm giving advice to the ladies. | ||
| That's what you like. | ||
| Yes, that's what I like. | ||
| If you're giving me a blowjob, but you're not. | ||
| Touch his butthole, please. | ||
| Touch my butthole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| There you go. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Now you know. | ||
| You know, homeboy's honest. | ||
| So when you go to your A&E right now, the fucking switchboards are lighting up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know that Mac Paston, he's asking people to play with his butthole? | |
| Do you know that? | ||
| He represents your network. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know that? | |
| Hey, I bet you 18 to 24 would prefer that. | ||
| 18 to 24? | ||
| Yeah, the age demographic. | ||
| Is that the good age demographic? | ||
| Apparently that's what it is. | ||
| I thought it's 18 to 49 is where the money is, right? | ||
| It's male, 18 to 49, they spend the most money. | ||
| You know who spends the most money? | ||
| Gay dudes. | ||
| Most of them don't have kids. | ||
| Dinks. | ||
| Dinks do? | ||
| Dual income, no kids. | ||
| That's what we call them. | ||
| Dinks. | ||
| Dual income, no kids. | ||
| Ton of money, man. | ||
| And marketing, that's what we call them. | ||
| Are you allowed to be... | ||
| That's not a derogatory mark. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| Do gay guys feel uncomfortable about that? | ||
| Dink sounds like... | ||
| Gay guys don't care about us. | ||
| They're having a good time. | ||
| Gay guys can give a shit about the rest of the world. | ||
| Gay guys are happy. | ||
| They're enjoying their life. | ||
| They don't care about what everybody else thinks. | ||
| That's a big generalization. | ||
| I bet there's a lot of gay guys with a gun in their mouth right now that disagree with you. | ||
| I actually have a lot of buddies that are gay, and they don't have time to think about us. | ||
| They're just out sucking dick and having a party. | ||
| Yeah, they're fucking nailing it all day long. | ||
| When you go to your house, is your house spotless? | ||
| Do you own a spoon that's in a glass case? | ||
| Everybody asks that. | ||
| Hand sanitizers on every wall. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was. | ||
| My wife and I were extremely anal retentive. | ||
| We're too young. | ||
| We have a two-year-old and a five-month-old. | ||
| You can't control that. | ||
| They just take over your house. | ||
| I mean, I try to teach my kid to put the Legos in the right place and the books in the right place, and I had developed this whole system. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| I mean, a two-year-old is a two-year-old. | ||
| He doesn't care. | ||
| So I've just had to accept, like, I'm going to have kids in a messy house. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| How do people who have kids become crazy germophobes? | ||
| How is that even possible? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Protecting them. | |
| I don't get it, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Howie Mandel is a very nice guy. | ||
| Always liked Howie. | ||
| I used to see him a lot in LA. I'd always see him at a restaurant with John Mendoza. | ||
| This is one restaurant they frequent at. | ||
| Super nice guy. | ||
| Couldn't be a nicer guy. | ||
| But he's got that crazy thing about cleaning his hands. | ||
| He can't even give you a fist bump, man. | ||
| He stopped giving fist bumps? | ||
| He doesn't do them anymore. | ||
| He can't do them. | ||
| I have a buddy that met him and he said he did the elbow. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He gives an elbow. | ||
| He used to give fist bumps. | ||
| He can't shake a hand to save his life. | ||
| No, he won't shake a hand. | ||
| Well, my friend was looking at his house. | ||
| Went to his houses for sale. | ||
| Great house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's perfectly clean. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And he didn't know that it was Howie Mandel's house. | ||
| He didn't know. | ||
| They didn't have any family pictures on the wall. | ||
| He opened up a closet. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That big hand. | |
| Then he figured it out. | ||
| That was like a glove that he would put over his face. | ||
| It wasn't big though. | ||
| It was a balloon. | ||
| He would blow it up with his nose air. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Well, he went into his closet and it was filled with hand sanitizers. | ||
| Like a whole closet. | ||
| You don't wear your skin down. | ||
| Yeah, that much alcohol. | ||
| And his wife goes, I stopped breathing for a second. | ||
| It was like I'd seen something scary. | ||
| Like I just looked at madness. | ||
| I just went... | ||
| And then they left. | ||
| They're like, thank you, thank you, gotta go. | ||
| They knew they couldn't buy the house. | ||
| It's no different from a hoarder's mentality, except they're so focused on the messy side, the OCD, and a lot of hoarding. | ||
| How do you cure a guy like Howie Mandel? | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| You don't. | ||
| He's done. | ||
| Let him live his life, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You would upset him so much. | ||
| By trying to change him? | ||
| By making him shake hands. | ||
| Just let him be, man. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| I mean, it's strange. | ||
| Well, his wife doesn't ever have to worry about him cheating. | ||
| He's never going to go anywhere. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I saw him at Caesars. | ||
| I saw him at Caesars. | ||
| He's never going to leave. | ||
| I mean, he worked a crowd. | ||
| He could always pull people from the whole audience. | ||
| And he'd give these callbacks from an hour ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's hilarious. | ||
| God, he was good, man. | ||
| I was a kid. | ||
| I mean, I was 24 when I saw this. | ||
| I was blown away by him. | ||
| I saw Howie Mandel, I've seen a bunch of his different specials, but I had one that I was passing around to a bunch of my friends when I was like, I guess I was probably like 19 or 20. I don't think I even started comedy yet, and Howie Mandel was hilarious. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| How did you make that decision, I'm going to do comedy? | ||
| Like what? | ||
| I got talked into it. | ||
| I had a bunch of friends that I used to do martial arts with and make them laugh in the locker room and stuff like that. | ||
| You were always funny. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| I just would see funny shit. | ||
| Most of the time I wasn't funny, but then when I would see something funny, it would be pretty funny. | ||
| I had when you're the type of person who's sort of anti bullshit and you you you look for bullshit everywhere you go when you realize that someone's not calling this bullshit you almost feel obligated to you almost feel like you know hey what is this and a lot of times when you do that it's funny the truth is funny yeah Yeah, and that's what I realized early on. | ||
| There were certain things that I would say that would get laughs because they were honest, and then I would play on it. | ||
| I mean, I knew you from... | ||
| Of course, I knew you from Fear Factor, but I knew you from that radio. | ||
| Was it Talk Radio? | ||
| News Radio, yeah. | ||
| By the way, if you think back on it, what an amazing cast. | ||
| That was a great show. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| If there's anything that I've ever been super lucky out in this life, there's a lot of things, but one of them was News Radio. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I mean, that was... | ||
| I was 26, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| It was when it first started. | ||
| I think it was 25 or 26. Maybe 27 at the latest. | ||
| I knew you from that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was 1994. That was a great show. | ||
| That was a great show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| I had no acting experience other than a couple episodes of this other show that was on Fox. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I'm working with Phil Hartman. | ||
| I remember sitting there at the table read. | ||
| I mean, you just keep going through. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, and Maura Tierney was such a good actress. | ||
| Like, you'd be doing scenes with her. | ||
| Is she the hot one that you don't ever know her name? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She would be doing scenes, and you would forget that you're in a scene. | ||
| Like, you go, oh, oh, you're acting. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| She was so good at it. | ||
| She was so good at it. | ||
| She could just snap it on. | ||
| She had, like, this intense, like, acting focus. | ||
| It was pretty shocking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I always saw you on that show. | ||
| Then of course I saw you on Fear Factor. | ||
| Then the man show. | ||
| All of that stuff. | ||
| I heard you one time randomly on Sirius. | ||
| I was driving cross country. | ||
| I think it was Raw Dog. | ||
| And it was one of your just bits about an old Texas oil tycoon. | ||
| Oh, and Nicole Smith? | ||
| Anna Nicole Smith. | ||
| It was the funniest. | ||
| I almost pissed myself. | ||
| There's a couple of bad versions of it out there. | ||
| And it was so honest, though. | ||
| Did you ever report that? | ||
| If you find that on YouTube, no. | ||
| It's on my CD. | ||
| If you find it on YouTube, there's a shit version. | ||
| You should do a gold version of it. | ||
| You should rewrite this. | ||
| This was live, and you were just fucking going with it. | ||
| And you were clearly just the people in the audience were digging it. | ||
| We're going more and more and more. | ||
| It was a crazy bit. | ||
| It was a long one. | ||
| It was a good 20 minute story. | ||
| And it was the funniest. | ||
| I mean, I had never laughed so hard in a car ride. | ||
| And that one was like, holy shit. | ||
| You gotta put that on. | ||
| No, it's on my first CD. Oh, it is? | ||
| Yeah, if you go to I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday is my first CD. It's on that one. | ||
| And I'm not trying to pump you up. | ||
| It's a good version of it. | ||
| No, thank you, man. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| The point of it was it was the brutal answer because it was funny because it was fucking true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, my point was, you know, people were like, oh, this poor guy, he's old and he's rich and she's going to take him for his money. | ||
| And my point was like, don't you think he knows? | ||
| He's clearly where he got it. | ||
| He's 90 years old. | ||
| He made a billion dollars from scratch. | ||
| You know, chances are he's a tad crafty. | ||
| I'm dying with double D's in my face and I'm fine with it. | ||
| He was just having to do all this crazy shit to him before he died. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a fun bit. | |
| That was a Mitzi Shore hater bit. | ||
| Mitzi Shore hated that bit. | ||
| Mitzi Shore used to tell me, stop! | ||
| Stop doing that! | ||
| That was the funniest thing. | ||
| Yeah, Mitzi Shore used to hate dudes. | ||
| When I used to do jokes about old men. | ||
| She's a girl from... | ||
| Creepy old men. | ||
| She's a woman who owned the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| She would never... | ||
| Oh, probably Shore's mom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Tell me never to do those jokes. | ||
| Stop doing that! | ||
| There's that one and a bit about Hugh Hefner. | ||
| She didn't like that one either. | ||
| You know, I've found, like, when I go to pitch A&E, I'll go to pitch A&E an idea about a new show or something. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, like, this one guy's like, that's a horrible idea. | ||
| Don't ever tell anyone that idea again. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's always the best idea, I've found. | ||
| Like, if an executive says it sucks, go digital and do it because it'll fucking kill. | ||
| I had an idea once that I pitched over the phone and the guy actually said, you're kidding, right? | ||
| Did you waste my time with this? | ||
| And I was like, wow, alright. | ||
| I guess you didn't like my idea. | ||
| I pitched over the phone. | ||
| He was like, I go, I have this idea for a show. | ||
| It's just a silly idea, but it's a comedy. | ||
| And it's about these girls That work at a bikini pizza place in the day called Pizza Sluts. | ||
| And at night, they fight crime. | ||
| And they're super hot chicks that are recruited by the police force and trained to infiltrate into areas where other cops could never get. | ||
| Because people would never believe that these hot girls were actually secret agents. | ||
| These pizza sluts were actually secret agents. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why did they have to work at the pizza place if they had a full-time job, though? | ||
| Well, because they had to have a cover, bro. | ||
| It's all part of their cover. | ||
| And you got to get a chance to see them in their underwear. | ||
| This is a smart comedy, man. | ||
| This is a smart comedy. | ||
| And the fucking dude was mad at me. | ||
| This is Chuck. | ||
| I pitched it. | ||
| The dude was mad. | ||
| It was a long time ago, by the way. | ||
| And the dude was mad at me. | ||
| I was like, I think that would be a silly show. | ||
| You don't think there could be a ton of jokes in a show like that? | ||
| You'd get two million viewers. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Just too many viewers. | ||
| It was just completely over the top. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Have you ever pitched something just to fuck with somebody? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Have you? | ||
| Waste time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you? | |
| I do sometimes, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, because this is not... | ||
| At first, I make my money helping people. | ||
| My real money is made on speeches. | ||
| I go to do motivational speeches at colleges, teaching kids to get their shit together and stop being a whiny little bitch. | ||
| It's this entitlement by college kids. | ||
| And colleges really like me coming in. | ||
| I do an hour speech and then a half hour Q&A. And then I'll do a live podcast. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| For me, that's amazing money. | ||
| It changes our family's life. | ||
| So now it's like, if I can do TV, great. | ||
| If I don't, that's fine too. | ||
| I'd like to do it. | ||
| But, like, I'll have an idea. | ||
| I mean, I had an idea of a hoarder road trip. | ||
| I just wanted to take a bunch of hoarders in a Winnebago, take them cross-country, and make them clean up someone else's house. | ||
| Oh, that's a good idea. | ||
| I think it'd be fascinating. | ||
| Take them cross-country, right? | ||
| And at first it was a joke, but then the more I started pitching it, I was like, actually, Alex, I actually dig this. | ||
| But the first time, I was just trying to piss off the executive because he had sat on my pilot for a year. | ||
| And so I was just mad at him. | ||
| He sat on the pilot? | ||
| I've done two pilots, and I didn't realize this is... | ||
| Everyone's done ten pilots. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| I was devastated because my first pilot didn't make a show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I was devastated. | ||
| Devastated. | ||
| I was like, this is gonna... | ||
| I mean, I really... | ||
| I put all my eggs in that basket, and I was just emotionally, and I was like, this is so important that I get this show. | ||
| And by the time the network and the production company and everybody got done with it, it was a shitty show. | ||
| And I didn't want to do it. | ||
| And I was like praying that it wouldn't get picked up. | ||
| But then when it didn't get picked up, I got all upset. | ||
| I got personal with it and I've learned now it is what it is. | ||
| It's just business. | ||
| It's really hard to be on a show and watch it fall apart because too many people have their input and they fuck with it. | ||
| And I had no input. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was like, my name's on this, my company's name is on this, and it doesn't... | ||
| Well, executives always think that they have a way to tweak it and to make it better. | ||
| I'm not saying I'm brilliant or anything. | ||
| I was personally upset. | ||
| I think that the collaborative effort, like a real true creative collaborative effort, only works with people who respect each other creatively. | ||
| Like people who actually are proven to be creative. | ||
| In order to bring someone like an executive into a creative meeting... | ||
| Are you a creative person? | ||
| Do you write a lot? | ||
| Are you going to have good ideas? | ||
| Or is this like an ego bullshit thing here? | ||
| You want to put your greasy fingerprints on this and add your little ingredients to the soup. | ||
| That's what a lot of it is. | ||
| With hoarders, there's no writing. | ||
| We turn the cameras on and shit happens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| It's pretty easy. | ||
| Is it your show? | ||
| No, I'm just a talent on that. | ||
| How many different dudes are quarter cleaners? | ||
| Well, there's two really left. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of people that try to do it. | ||
| It's like a hit show, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I say I'm the number one trash man in the country. | ||
| And A&E has no problem with you doing all your other stuff or they just don't know? | ||
| They never even signed me to contract. | ||
| I don't name it on a contract. | ||
| You're not on a contract? | ||
| I'm week to week. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| That's got to be annoying. | ||
| I'm the number one guy on their number two show. | ||
| It amazes me. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| I don't want a contract now. | ||
| If I was on a contract, I couldn't come do this. | ||
| You said it best the other day on your podcast. | ||
| You go, I'm doing what I should be doing. | ||
| You're doing it right now. | ||
| And I'm there, man. | ||
| I wrote a book. | ||
| I had a great run with my book. | ||
| I'm helping a lot of families with my book. | ||
| It's called Secret Lives of Hoarders. | ||
| So you're just happy to keep moving in a positive direction and keep working. | ||
| I clean up shit for $12 an hour. | ||
| I'm happy to be working. | ||
| Period. | ||
| I'm lucky to have work. | ||
| I can afford all my groceries and my mortgage in the same month. | ||
| I'm lucky. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| If I ever get pretentious or think I'm fancy, kick me in the nuts. | ||
| You want to talk about a job that must keep you grounded in the possibilities of reality. | ||
| Not necessarily your reality, but the possibilities. | ||
| That's what we came with five decisions away. | ||
| Because, back to it, we didn't even finish it. | ||
| That bum, sitting in the yard, I asked him how he got there. | ||
| And he goes, oh, I was a stockbroker. | ||
| And I was like, get out of here. | ||
| And I'm like, either he's full of shit or this is real, so I went with it. | ||
| And I was like, what do you mean you were... | ||
| He goes, I was a stockbroker and a girl broke my heart. | ||
| And I go, you're telling me you're living in this guy's yard because a girl broke your heart? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, well, I got addicted to crack too, but the girl broke my heart. | |
| And I was like, yeah, the crack might have something to do with it. | ||
| But he lived in a fucking shack. | ||
| And so I looked at the camera and I go, I guess we are all really five decisions away from shitting in a bucket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And that just stuck. | ||
| And when I said that, people ran with it. | ||
| And I've had many five decisions away from shitting in a bucket. | ||
| A couple things different happened, and my life could have been totally different. | ||
| It might not even be five. | ||
| It could be one, if it's a bad one. | ||
| I've peed in Mountain Dew cans in my car. | ||
| Yeah, but that's just to skip the exit. | ||
| I missed once, and I was trying to get my dick into the hole, but of course I have a very fat head. | ||
| It's very dominant. | ||
| And your hole is huge. | ||
| Even the Mountain Dew Big Mouth? | ||
| The hole wasn't a Mountain Dew, actually. | ||
| It was a Pepsi bottle, and I was trying to get it in there, and I fucking sprayed it because I was kind of holding it back, and then I sprayed it all over my fucking pants. | ||
| I pissed all over my leg, dude, before I finally got it going in the bottle. | ||
| This is only a year ago, by the way. | ||
| I shit myself the other day. | ||
| This is like I was 15, first year driving. | ||
| No, it was a year ago. | ||
| I didn't tell you about this. | ||
| I fucking shit myself the other day. | ||
| I did one of those farts where I'm working and it just went like that. | ||
| But I thought it felt like a fart. | ||
| And then I reached down and just like itched my ass and it was really wet and creamy. | ||
| And I pulled out just baby diaper shit all over my hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| You reached down to claw at your ass. | ||
| Like I went to... | ||
| Itch my asshole, you know? | ||
| You went to itch your asshole? | ||
| I'm with him on that, yes. | ||
| You itch your raw asshole on a regular basis and then just go around touching your keyboard, your mouse. | ||
| Never itch from the inside. | ||
| Always itch from the outside. | ||
| I'm never touching your fucking doorknob again. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not talking like I went deep in my asshole. | ||
| I'm talking like right above my asshole. | ||
| It was creamy shit all over that. | ||
| It was creamy shit everywhere. | ||
| I don't believe you just dabble over the top. | ||
| I think he goes right in my asshole. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Why would I do that? | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
| But it was so bad and I didn't even know. | ||
| Wow, you got a numb ass. | ||
| You got a problem. | ||
| Do you think it's mostly... | ||
| You're getting raped by ghosts in the night. | ||
| No, but do you think when this shit happens, do you think it's because you're trying to force a fart out so bad? | ||
| I feel like if... | ||
| I just don't... | ||
| I try to force farts out. | ||
| I try to make them as loud as possible and fast as possible. | ||
| I had a thing about this. | ||
| I always say, like... | ||
| When most nine out of ten times, your asshole has your back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it'll back you up. | ||
| And it'll say, eh, no, it's a fart. | ||
| You know, the last second. | ||
| That's shit. | ||
| And it catches it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was like, I wish your asshole would do that, like, in other parts of your life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like, when you're going to fuck the fat girl at three o'clock in the morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| And your asshole's like, eh, don't want a second, buddy. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| I wish. | ||
| Your asshole can't hold back the liquid. | ||
| That's what I find. | ||
| When it's liquid and you feel that, oh, oh, oh, it's coming too fast. | ||
| You know, your asshole sends alarms up. | ||
| Yeah, this was liquid. | ||
| What's this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's your diet, probably. | ||
| But that's the first time in three years maybe that's happened? | ||
| Since I've been drinking these kale shakes on a regular basis, I've never had more. | ||
| Kale shakes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Kale by itself will fucking just destroy you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really good for you. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a Vitamix. | ||
| I throw cucumbers, kale, celery, one pear, a big chunk of ginger, and four or five cloves of garlic. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I mean, you're going to lose five pounds a day of shit. | ||
| No. | ||
| To clean out your stomach. | ||
| The exact way. | ||
| But you feel great. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It feels like... | ||
| I'm talking the wrong... | ||
| I'm saying. | ||
| I've been talking to Montel about helping me out with shakes and stuff just trying to get healthy. | ||
| I'm talking the wrong guy. | ||
| Well, Kevin James turned me on to it. | ||
| He lost 80 pounds. | ||
| And he was explaining to me his book that he bought. | ||
| He had this lady working for him as a chef for a while. | ||
| And the idea was it was just like really nutrient-rich, plant-based foods blended up together. | ||
| That would be like your first meal a day. | ||
| And just doing that, it keeps like your digestive tract like really smooth. | ||
| Because essentially, it's like it's a flush out. | ||
| It like cleans out. | ||
| Regularity is a very important thing. | ||
| People don't realize, yeah. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, you're not supposed to be keeping shit inside your body. | ||
| You can if you have a bad diet. | ||
| I mean, my job, probably half of my job, is looking at what comes out of a person. | ||
| that doesn't eat healthfully. | ||
| That's a fetish of yours, though. | ||
| I'm starting to think. | ||
| Poop is a big part of my life. | ||
| I think it's a fetish. | ||
| Poop is a part of my life, man. | ||
| You like fingers in your ass. | ||
| That's separate. | ||
| I just like a finger in my ass. | ||
| That has nothing to do with my job. | ||
| Do you like German porn? | ||
| No. | ||
| I like... | ||
| I probably shouldn't go into that. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| I don't like a skinny girl. | ||
| I like some weight on my girl. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, the fatter ones are usually more fun, for sure. | ||
| Stream 8, that's what I do. | ||
| BBWs, you just go through the top 10 and it's beautiful. | ||
| 10 pounds heavy is way better than 10 pounds too light. | ||
| Well, I'm talking about BBWs. | ||
| Oh yeah, but I agree with that. | ||
| What is BBW? Big Beautiful Women. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Yeah, women don't understand that. | ||
| A little fat is sexy. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
| As long as you're not unhealthy. | ||
| Skinny girls don't look that good naked. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| A thicker girl looks beautiful. | ||
| It's more skin to play with. | ||
| Would you rather have a king-size pool or a little baby pool? | ||
| This is a horrible topic. | ||
| I'm going to bring it up anyway. | ||
| No, you're just talking to Brian. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| It could be a great topic. | ||
| My wife and I had a... | ||
| My wife's really big into natural birth. | ||
| We had a natural birth. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| I make fun of you guys. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Most people do. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| We actually had him in our bedroom at home. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Most people think it's crazy. | ||
| My wife, that was her Iron Man. | ||
| She really wanted that. | ||
| Wow, that's her triathlon? | ||
| Yeah, it was really cool. | ||
| And I dug it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The subsequent argument was, do you circumcise the kid or not? | ||
| Because all of her natural, and it's really a hippie world, and I'm not into the whole hippiness of the world. | ||
| I enjoyed the process of natural birth, but I'm not into the whole hippie lifestyle part of it. | ||
| And all of her friends, they didn't circumcise their kids. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not about to send my kid to gym class in a world where everyone gets circumcised. - The pink sock. | ||
| I think that's changing. | ||
| Apparently it's 50-50 now. | ||
| I think it's stupid. | ||
| I wouldn't circumcise a kid. | ||
| If I had a boy, I wouldn't circumcise him. | ||
| Well, apparently, the point of the conversation was, the girls, all the wives start arguing, we start talking. | ||
| Three of the wives guaranteed, they were like, sex with a dude that is not circumcised is substantially better than a dude that is. | ||
| And then all these girls were like, oh, that's true. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| More skin, apparently. | ||
| Back to the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Just like we talked about the ladies. | ||
| It's substantially better. | ||
| And they all were like, absolutely. | ||
| Like, it wasn't like they were being nice. | ||
| For the woman? | ||
| For the woman. | ||
| Wow, I've never even heard that before. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I was so intrigued by it. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| I got robbed. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Even if I wasn't so resized, I don't think it would make a difference with me. | ||
| I think it's a fucking gross tradition, man. | ||
| Somebody said it helps prevent AIDS. I'm like, are you keeping AIDS in your foreskin? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| That seems to me exposure to AIDS. Lack of exposure is how you prevent AIDS. Not like foreskin chopping off. | ||
| I will say it was purely cosmetic for us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I enforced it. | ||
| I was like, we're absolutely doing it. | ||
| We're not going to have one kid that is and one kid that isn't. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| You've got to keep it consistent. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, why does my brother look different than me? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But I like to fuck Jewish women, so I'm definitely happy. | ||
| Circumcised? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, whatever you like, freak. | ||
| Jewish women freak out about that shit. | ||
| It's a weird fucking tradition that we need to end. | ||
| Not only that, but people get really bad infections. | ||
| It's not completely innocuous. | ||
| Kids have lost their penises because of circumcision. | ||
| My nephew had to go back for a second operation because of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they had to put him under at the age of a year or something like that. | |
| He's gonna love you telling that story. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| For what? | ||
| To dress up as dick with a knife? | ||
| We should start some kind of non-profit. | ||
| It's a dick. | ||
| It's not a jack-o'-lantern, alright? | ||
| You don't have to chop... | ||
| Parts off of it to make it look better. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| Save the penis? | ||
| You should save the penis in a jar and wear it as a necklace. | ||
| What kind of tests have actually been done that show that there's some sort of a health benefit to circumcision? | ||
| Have there been any? | ||
| There has to be. | ||
| It's probably a medical. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a Christian school probably did their research. | |
| Really? | ||
| I'm sure it's a... | ||
| I mean, it costs four grand, I'll tell you that. | ||
| That's how much you had to pay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You didn't have an old Jewish dude suck the blood off of it afterwards, did you? | ||
| We did not have a breast, no. | ||
| Isn't that amazing that they actually still do it that way some places? | ||
| Yeah, a guy will suck the blood off. | ||
| And, you know, and he was explaining it on a YouTube video. | ||
| It was like a serious, you know, what is the word? | ||
| Orthodox Jew. | ||
| And he was saying that it's an ancient tradition because the blood actually coagulates better because of the saliva. | ||
| It stops the bleeding quicker. | ||
| I just spit on that penis. | ||
| Yeah, whatever, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| That's where I go back to. | ||
| I wouldn't have that on my kid, but if that's your thing, that's your thing. | ||
| I support you. | ||
| Here's one of the problems. | ||
| One of the benefits. | ||
| Decrease in physical problems involving a tight foreskin. | ||
| Yeah, that means... | ||
| Because you've got no foreskin, you fuck. | ||
| That's the dumbest benefit I've ever had. | ||
| Or red, rather. | ||
| And that's the first benefit they listed. | ||
| Decrease in physical problems involving a tight foreskin. | ||
| Well, you know how a lot of kids are running around complaining about tight foreskins. | ||
| Isn't it more acceptable to disease? | ||
| It's like you're having an extra belly button on your dick. | ||
| Well, I would, yeah, I don't know. | ||
| That shit's got to get dirtier. | ||
| You mean when it's over there? | ||
| I know there's dick lint. | ||
| There is dick lint. | ||
| You have to clean it? | ||
| There is dick lint, I've been told. | ||
| What's it taste like? | ||
| You have to clean it. | ||
| Well, I think it's also, like, moist. | ||
| I think the head of the penis underneath the foreskin is moist and much more sensitive. | ||
| When you circumcise it, it dries out. | ||
| It's, like, half numb. | ||
| It's got to be moldy. | ||
| Lower incidence of inflammation of the head of the penis. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Reduced urinary tract infections. | ||
| Okay, that kind of makes sense. | ||
| Clean your dirty dick. | ||
| That could fix all that. | ||
| Fewer problems with erections, especially at puberty. | ||
| Why is there a problem with an erection? | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't mean it. | ||
| There's never been a problem in my life. | ||
| Because it looks so creepy. | ||
| What does that mean by problems? | ||
| You know what that means? | ||
| That means he's getting erections all the time. | ||
| That's a good thing. | ||
| Because I've heard that happens to people that are circumcised. | ||
| Like, when you pull the skin back, they get excited, like, really easily. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Apparently it doesn't have... | ||
| It's much more sensitive. | ||
| Dude, if the wind blows, I get excited. | ||
| Isn't that funny, though? | ||
| That's listed as a benefit. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| Fewer problems with erections, especially at puberty. | ||
| When you write especially at puberty, I'm assuming you don't want kids to fuck at 13, so I'm thinking you're saying these are unwanted erections. | ||
| Some old dude wrote this. | ||
| Some old woman or old dude wrote this. | ||
| So they're saying we've made your penis feel less good, so you don't have as many problems with it feeling good. | ||
| Well, back to my point. | ||
| These women were saying apparently it feels better. | ||
| Decrease in certain sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV, HPV, genital herpes, syphilis, and other microorganisms in men and their partners. | ||
| Decrease? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| There's more skin. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| There's more shit. | ||
| Do you have holes and scrapes on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Almost complete elimination of invasive penile cancer. | ||
| Oh, that's a good reason. | ||
| Invasive penile cancer? | ||
| Is it internal, it sounds like? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Invasive. | ||
| I think it's just bad. | ||
| I think all penile cancer would be bad. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| Have you got the 40-year-old tube in the penis hole yet? | ||
| My dad told me when he turned 45 or something like that, he had to get this done. | ||
| Apparently, your dick crawls back. | ||
| It runs away from the tube. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When they're trying to get it in. | ||
| My buddy always tells me about it. | ||
| They said basically, and a lot of my buddies and I, we all did a bunch of Ironmans. | ||
| Triathlons? | ||
| Yeah, triathlons. | ||
| And the worst, like an Ironman dick, like it takes two days for your dick to come back out of your stomach. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Like you'll never see it. | ||
| Because you're on a bike running and swimming for like 10, 12 hours. | ||
| And literally, like after the Ironman, you're up against the wall and you're just peeing out of your stomach. | ||
| Like it takes a good two days for your dick to come back out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so weird. | |
| Wow. | ||
| It's a great, I mean I never did a full. | ||
| Is that like really bad for your balls, all that pressure? | ||
| I've heard guys get like numbness and shit. | ||
| You get really bad blisters. | ||
| You gotta use cow, like cow udder, what they put on the cow's udders. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's like a salve that you put on your balls. | ||
| You put on your balls so you don't get really bad blisters. | ||
| Balls are awful. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Hey Brian, pull up a YouTube video. | ||
| Rabbi explains the process of sucking blood from penis. | ||
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| That's a bit aggressive, I think. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| This is from 2011, too. | ||
| Rabbi explains the process of sucking blood. | ||
| Just look for that on YouTube and you'll find it. | ||
| From penis, if you want to put from the penis. | ||
| That's the guy, yeah. | ||
| You got to take a leak? | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| Yeah, it's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm about to die. | |
| Four sections of halacha called the Shulchan Aruch, the set table. | ||
| In chapter 266, halacha 3, 4, 5, and 6, he describes how the circumcision is to be done. | ||
| This is after the cutting. | ||
| The mohel does what is called mitzitza, and mitzitza means to suck, and it means doing so with his mouth. | ||
| And one could say, well, why can't you use a tube? | ||
| Well, you could, technically, but that's not the custom as to how it was done. | ||
| Now, why is it that way? | ||
| Well, you could say that in the olden days you didn't have tubes, now you can have tubes, so why not? | ||
| The answer, as I thought about it, is that it's not as effective because the tube Does not seal as well, it's not as pliable and furthermore it's not as quick and it's not as close. | ||
| You have to have a quick suction action, you have to have more pliability and also there's a theory, some people feel that it is, some people feel that it's not, that the saliva of a human being has some antiseptic qualities and it's actually brought In the halacha of the Talmud that the saliva of certain people were actually used as curatives. | ||
| And so saliva is not a bad thing. | ||
| Saliva has elements of... | ||
| Shut this crazy asshole off. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| This is one of the things that's really wrong with religion. | ||
| When religion, when they get into tradition, and they just explain, well, it is the tradition. | ||
| You're talking about blowing a baby, period. | ||
| That's what you're talking about. | ||
| If there's anything in your religion that justifies blowing a baby, you're fucking crazy. | ||
| And sucking blood off a baby's dick after you've cut it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only thing I could think of as the other side of this is that, I mean, my sister took my nephew to a doctor, high-end hospital. | ||
| These are doctors going to college, and they fucked it up. | ||
| How many times did these guys do it? | ||
| Well, these guys fucked it up, too. | ||
| In fact, one of the guys... | ||
| Yeah, do they do it a lot? | ||
| Someone killed a baby recently. | ||
| Killed a baby? | ||
| the baby? | ||
| Yes, a baby died in a New York hospital after contracting herpes from a controversial circumcision ritual. | ||
| The Mohil or whatever the fuck he calls himself, the rabbi or whoever who does that, sucked the baby's dick after he did the circumcision and he had herpes in his mouth. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he gave it to the baby and the baby died. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| This is from 2012. This is March 6th. | ||
| Yeah, this is not 88. This is March 6th, 2012. It's in the Huffington Post. | ||
| You can read this. | ||
| And by the way, this is not the first time this has happened. | ||
| This has happened many times in the past. | ||
| I've heard about it. | ||
| Another one in 2005. It says it right here. | ||
| Another one in 2005. 2004. Look, it's disgusting. | ||
| If your religion is allowing you to blow babies, cut their dicks and then suck them, that's not good. | ||
| Period. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| If it's in the tradition, then what would you do? | ||
| Shut your mouth, you stupid tradition, you crazy asshole. | ||
| Just because something's old doesn't mean it's good. | ||
| Following that tradition, that is the best argument, one of the best arguments next to suicide bombers. | ||
| One of the best arguments ever for your religion being fucking crazy. | ||
| Well, its tradition is never a good argument. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why do we do it? | ||
| It's the tradition, you know? | ||
| Yeah, I grew up in Virginia. | ||
| Antiseptic properties? | ||
| You know what else has antiseptic properties? | ||
| There's a lot of things that are tradition in Virginia that are not good. | ||
| You missed the whole thing while you went to the bathroom. | ||
| This guy is this old rabbi talking about blowing kids after he's circumcised. | ||
| I'm glad I missed it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| He was talking about why don't we use a tube? | ||
| Well, because first of all, it's the tradition. | ||
| It's the tradition. | ||
| Come to my website and have a good show. | ||
| It's the tradition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You crazy asshole. | ||
| And saliva has antiseptic properties? | ||
| You know what else has antiseptic properties? | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Antiseptics. | ||
| You fucking cunt. | ||
| Crazy asshole. | ||
| Saliva is actually a very good cleaner, believe me. | ||
| Except when you get herpes in your mouth and you kill the baby. | ||
| Nutty-ass rabbi. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So, now, what is the single... | ||
| You've seen pretty much everything a person could possibly see inside these houses. | ||
| But there must be one day where you showed up at work and you went, this shit just got taken to the next level. | ||
| It haunts you. | ||
| Everything accelerates. | ||
| Yeah, it's a tie. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I saw a cat actually pull itself out of a pile of human shit. | ||
| You know, like when you're trying to get out of the pool. | ||
| This cat was pulling itself. | ||
| Out of a pile of shit. | ||
| I just thought that was awesome. | ||
| Like, it wasn't gross. | ||
| It was just, it was intense. | ||
| The worst ever was I had a cat. | ||
| There was a house that had a lot of cats. | ||
| For people that are listening and actually know the show Hoarders, her name was Vula. | ||
| She's a cool lady. | ||
| She's become a good friend. | ||
| Three years later. | ||
| But at the time, she wasn't. | ||
| Is she cured now? | ||
| She's dealing with it. | ||
| I don't think you're ever cured. | ||
| Just like with my gambling, I'm always going to have an itch every once in a while. | ||
| She lives in a normal house. | ||
| She lives in a clean house. | ||
| We cleaned her house. | ||
| She stayed committed. | ||
| She did the therapy. | ||
| Her family stays with her. | ||
| One of the key components to recovery is that your family is very committed to the recovery as well. | ||
| Her kids keep her busy. | ||
| She can't go to Goodwill. | ||
| If she goes to Goodwill, she'll spend... | ||
| She's just like me to gamble at a blackjack table. | ||
| If she goes to Goodwill, she'll go crazy. | ||
| Have you heard of Ibogaine? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| We had this guy on yesterday who had just got back from an Ibogaine ceremony in Costa Rica. | ||
| And what Ibogaine is is this crazy psychedelic drug that makes you look at yourself from a very... | ||
| What's the best way to look at it? | ||
| Out like a very critical, highly critical, honest view of your life from outside of your emotions and your ego. | ||
| And it's apparently this very informative psychedelic experience. | ||
| You can actually ask it questions. | ||
| The whole experience takes like 24 hours. | ||
| But it has a really high success rate on curing people with all sorts of diseases, especially addictions, gambling addictions, drug addictions, people that are hooked on opiates have a huge rate of success. | ||
| That's a different level. | ||
| I don't ever want to act like I'm this badass that overcame this massive thing. | ||
| Oh, you for sure did, dude. | ||
| You just did it with your own will and your personality. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| What I'm saying is, I wonder, like, a really good show would be combining... | ||
| We're open to anything, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The cool thing is this is a new disease. | ||
| It's not like alcoholism where there's this, like... | ||
| Set, specific way. | ||
| This is what you must do to overcome it. | ||
| How long has it been around for? | ||
| Well, it's been around since, I mean, Hunter and Gathering. | ||
| I mean, it's been around since day one. | ||
| But it's just, I mean, our show just blew the doors off it, and people are just accepting the fact that their Aunt Gladys is actually a hoarder. | ||
| She's not just crazy. | ||
| Like, we're just really still, I mean, it's actually just getting, it's now just getting classified. | ||
| Man, this was my second hoard. | ||
| This was a great guy. | ||
| I got sprayed by a skunk in this house. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I thought it was a cat and I went to pick it up and it was a skunk. | ||
| There was a skunk in the house? | ||
| Yeah, in the garage. | ||
| There were like a hundred cats and I just stopped counting and then I got hit by a skunk. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That was a crazy one. | ||
| We have a friend that has eleven cats in one house in a two bedroom apartment. | ||
| You think that's normal? | ||
| Here's my deal on cats. | ||
| You need to have as many cats. | ||
| You can't have any more cats than you have friends. | ||
| If you have more cats than you have friends, we've got an issue. | ||
| Well, he has a lot of friends. | ||
| Then he's fine. | ||
| But is it okay in a two-bedroom apartment? | ||
| To me, that's a bit much, honestly. | ||
| But if he's cool with it, he's cool. | ||
| I mean, if it doesn't mess up your life, the cross line for me is when your hoard, whatever that hoard is, whatever you're collecting or keeping, When it crosses over and it becomes more important than your friends and your family and your job, then you got a problem. | ||
| It could be... | ||
| I mean, I had a lot of friends in the Iron Man world that... | ||
| I think they have issues, man. | ||
| They're so addicted to the race and to the fitness level that it's affecting the rest of their life. | ||
| They don't have normal relationships with anyone else in their life. | ||
| They're so focused on the triathlon that I think it's too much. | ||
| You kind of have to be successful. | ||
| Yeah, that's a tough one. | ||
| The amount of training those guys have to go through. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't have to win. | ||
| You could be like 100th. | ||
| You still finished a fucking Ironman. | ||
| What kind of pussy talk is that? | ||
| That's not what they think if they want to win, though. | ||
| What if they're close? | ||
| I don't give a shit about winning. | ||
| I'm a finisher guy. | ||
| I used to hate the old guys that played golf that were like, I'm just happy to be outside. | ||
| I'm totally that guy now. | ||
| I'm just happy to be outside. | ||
| It's a good day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fine with it. | |
| There's a lure of success, especially success in games. | ||
| Well, I have success in other parts of my life. | ||
| I don't need that success. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I keep saying it every day. | ||
| I get 50 emails of people that I've helped. | ||
| They've either seen the show or read my book or listened to a podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I start the morning. | ||
| By 9 a.m., I've already told myself I'm successful today. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| And so I'm lucky. | ||
| I don't need all this stuff. | ||
| Well, you've put your obsession into a good place. | ||
| I think this is a really good lesson for people. | ||
| My speech is called 14 Years of Failure. | ||
| I failed for 14 years. | ||
| I'm just starting to get successful today. | ||
| What you've done that's admirable is sort of recognize why you were fucking up and just stopped it. | ||
| That's really difficult for a lot of people to do, to even wrap their head around it, especially without going through some really extensive therapy. | ||
| I'm old school, man. | ||
| If you stop lying to yourself, it gets a lot easier. | ||
| I lied to myself year after year. | ||
| But a lot of people don't figure that out. | ||
| I'm telling you right now. | ||
| People listening, stop lying to yourself. | ||
| I'm saying you did. | ||
| You figured that out. | ||
| A lot of people... | ||
| Well, a guy beating the fuck out of you... | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| And then my mom saying no. | ||
| My mom saying no was... | ||
| I even thought I was still unstoppable. | ||
| Until my mom said, you're on your own. | ||
| You find a legal way out of this. | ||
| It's really fascinating. | ||
| When my mom said no, it was like, oh shit. | ||
| Life's changing. | ||
| I'm on my own. | ||
| That thrill-seeking charge that you get from placing bets, it's really just sort of a desire to be successful. | ||
| You're trying to win. | ||
| You're not trying to gamble. | ||
| You're trying to win. | ||
| It has nothing to do with gambling. | ||
| Hoarding has nothing to do with stuff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's about that desire. | ||
| It's about that self-worth. | ||
| It's about that giving yourself... | ||
| We're all so needy. | ||
| And this is where people get tired of me. | ||
| They're like, you're like some awful mentalist. | ||
| An awful mentalist. | ||
| Why would they say that? | ||
| People think I get a little preachy. | ||
| And I guess I do. | ||
| Well, listen. | ||
| You're saying your story passionately. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Your story is a story that should be preached. | ||
| I mean, if there's a story that should be preached, it's a guy who's ready to suck a dick for money, and now all of a sudden he's on TV, and he's doing great, and he's helping people, and he's helping inmates, you know, get their shit together. | ||
| It's all beautiful. | ||
| But when you... | ||
| Look at that on the TV. There it is. | ||
| That was a flat cat. | ||
| That was a flat cat. | ||
| He actually was on a box, so he was like... | ||
| He was at a 90-degree angle. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| There's the skunk. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, the skunk. | ||
| That's kind of blasted you? | ||
| Yeah, he just fucking sprayed me. | ||
| Clearly that's a while back. | ||
| I'm a little lighter. | ||
| Oh my god, this is crazy. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| That whole room was six feet higher about eight hours early. | ||
| Oh my god, another cat. | ||
| Now, do these people get in trouble with animal protection? | ||
| Animal protection called us into this one. | ||
| This was in New Mexico. | ||
| Jesus Christ, 35 dead cats? | ||
| She thought she had like 10 cats. | ||
| She didn't know how many she had. | ||
| So they all starve to death out there? | ||
| Yeah, most, I mean, we always say triple it. | ||
| If you think, if the person says, I have 10 cats, well, if they say they have 100 cats, they have 300 cats. | ||
| Like, they don't know the rates that cats can reproduce, so they never see the babies. | ||
| So the cats are fucking and breeding. | ||
| They're like rabbits, man. | ||
| Who's feeding them? | ||
| They feed on each other. | ||
| Whoever dies, they, it's, I mean, it's... | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| So they're just babies or eating guts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Whatever one. | ||
| It's total natural selection. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That is incredible. | ||
| And it's all underneath eight feet of stuff, so you don't see it. | ||
| If you don't see it, it's not a problem. | ||
| This is my very first one, favorite guy ever. | ||
| This guy, his whole yard was a junkyard. | ||
| Paul, I love that guy. | ||
| I love this guy. | ||
| That boss. | ||
| You can see this from space on Google. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You can see this guy's yard. | ||
| And it was deep south Alabama. | ||
| The government was after him. | ||
| They wanted the land. | ||
| He moved out to the country to get away from the city, and the city caught up with him over 20-some years. | ||
| Amen. | ||
| This was crazy. | ||
| I had never... | ||
| I love this story. | ||
| I had never done hoarding. | ||
| I had never been on TV before. | ||
| And so I got called on a Monday. | ||
| They said, can you come down and do this show? | ||
| So I was still cleaning houses for $12 an hour. | ||
| And then got called down to go do this show. | ||
| And that was on a Wednesday. | ||
| So three days later I was doing a TV show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never been on TV. She's kind of hot in a dirty way. | |
| Not kind of hot. | ||
| That's Ginger. | ||
| She was very hot. | ||
| She's hot in three or four glasses of whiskey. | ||
| Ginger was her name. | ||
| Let's get crazy. | ||
| She's got cowboy boots on. | ||
| She's a cool girl. | ||
| That house, man. | ||
| We took out a hundred and some cars. | ||
| The tires you can't get rid of. | ||
| It's almost impossible to get rid of tires naturally. | ||
| I mean, legally. | ||
| How do you get rid of them? | ||
| You have to send them to a shredder, and then they shred them up for playgrounds to be floors. | ||
| The problem is to recycle things legally, it's very hard in America right now. | ||
| It's very difficult. | ||
| The laws are so... | ||
| I thought we were super green. | ||
| Well, the green laws are very difficult. | ||
| This guy was a big school bus in his yard, and I was like, Paul... | ||
| We gotta get rid of this bus, man. | ||
| What are we gonna do? | ||
| It was filled with copper. | ||
| So it was probably 10 grand worth of copper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And the metal was very valuable, especially in the South. | ||
| So this guy had, I mean, that bus right there. | ||
| So I was like, we got rid of the bus. | ||
| And he goes, man, last time I had sex was in that bus. | ||
| And I go, Paul, when was the last time you had sex? | ||
| And he goes, Junior! | ||
| How old? | ||
| He yells to his son. | ||
| His son is like 43 years old and has like five kids. | ||
| They edited that out. | ||
| They didn't show it. | ||
| Did he have sex with a dead cat? | ||
| You know, most hoarders are totally... | ||
| I do have a flashlight story. | ||
| Can I tell it? | ||
| Real quick, most hoarders are totally asexual. | ||
| They don't have space in their mind for sexuality feelings. | ||
| Yeah, most of them haven't had sex in 20, 30 years. | ||
| It's not even... | ||
| Sex motivates everything I do. | ||
| I truly believe life revolves around sex. | ||
| If you dig deep enough, everything you do is to get laid. | ||
| I really believe that. | ||
| Okay, Freud. | ||
| I do believe that. | ||
| I mean, at the end of the day, I'm trying to impress my wife to have sex with me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why do I work hard to make my wife happy? | ||
| Why do I want to make my wife happy? | ||
| Wow, you sound like a slave. | ||
| Well, I hate that word, but my dad always... | ||
| My dad's a big part of my life. | ||
| He's always been dead for 10 years. | ||
| He always told me... | ||
| He was in advertising. | ||
| He said, everything is about trying to get laid. | ||
| He said, that's all advertising is. | ||
| You just got to find out how to get laid. | ||
| I think that's certainly a desire, but that's just because we have a constant need to reproduce, so we're always horny. | ||
| I don't think it's about reproduction. | ||
| A lot of other interesting shit out there. | ||
| I'm just horny. | ||
| I don't think it's about reproduction. | ||
| I don't think it goes that deep. | ||
| Well, that's for you, buddy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm saying I'm sure there's other people that don't believe that. | ||
| Well, no, there's a lot of other experiences in life that are pretty fucking fascinating, besides just getting laid. | ||
| I don't know, butthole in the ass, Joe. | ||
| But back to the beginning, you've got to allow yourself to go to that next level. | ||
| Because a lot of people stop at the, okay, I'm just going to make my wife happy and get laid. | ||
| You said you were talking about that isolation tank thing. | ||
| That blew me away. | ||
| I did about a two-week thing. | ||
| Right after my dad died, I ran away to Maui and was living in Hawaii with an ex-girlfriend. | ||
| That was when I started, okay, my mind became open to life. | ||
| Post-gambling? | ||
| I was trying to figure it out. | ||
| So you hadn't hit rock bottom yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, I mean, I had hit it. | ||
| Had you gotten beat up yet? | ||
| Yeah, it was about five months after that, and my dad died right after that. | ||
| So, of course, that has something to do with it. | ||
| But I was talking to my ex-girlfriend, and she's like, how you doing? | ||
| I was like, I'm not good. | ||
| And she said, well, you can be not good in Maui. | ||
| And I was like, good point. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So I flew out to Maui. | ||
| Yeah, she's a great girl. | ||
| Yeah, she's a good girl. | ||
| So I moved to Maui, was living with her, and I went on a week trip through Hana. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever done that road to Hana. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's the backside of Maui. | ||
| It's a dirt road. | ||
| And I just hiked it. | ||
| I just walked through Hana and I met this family living out in the rainforest. | ||
| And they were doing a lot of acid and a lot of stuff. | ||
| There's a family living in the rainforest. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of houses. | ||
| It wasn't just randomness. | ||
| Yeah, what is it like? | ||
| What kind of people are living up there? | ||
| I mean, old hippies. | ||
| Doesn't Woody Harrelson live up there? | ||
| Willie Nelson lived right down the street. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure he does. | ||
| Willie Nelson lived there? | ||
| Willie Nelson lived right up the street from Hana. | ||
| Willie Nelson lived in Hawaii? | ||
| He's got a great little house up there. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a great ranch up in Makawa. | ||
| He's probably like ballin'. | ||
| He's got houses all over the place. | ||
| He's got a suite. | ||
| It's called Makawa. | ||
| Maui is a figure eight, the island. | ||
| And he lives on the upper side, which is country. | ||
| It's Vaqueros. | ||
| There's a bunch of Spanish cowboys came there a long time ago. | ||
| So there's a big horse community on the higher upper side of West Maui. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Maui's an amazing place, and it backs right up to the rainforest part of Maui. | ||
| Don't locals get bummed out when white people move in? | ||
| They fucking hate it. | ||
| They're called Howlis. | ||
| They hate us with all our passion. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just recently, we stole that island. | ||
| I mean, Americans are in the, what, 40s? | ||
| We stole that. | ||
| We killed their queen. | ||
| We killed their queen? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| The Dole Fruit Company and the Americans killed their queen to get a place to land airplanes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They hate white people so passionately. | ||
| Well, they're always nice at the resorts. | ||
| Yeah, but you get 10 minutes off resort. | ||
| I've been off resort before, too. | ||
| I've met a lot of friendly people in Hawaii. | ||
| But you get a pass, and I think you're a likable guy, and you're an honest guy. | ||
| You get a pass. | ||
| Yeah, and they like BJ Penn. | ||
| They know I'm a BJ Penn fan. | ||
| Yeah, he's a Hawaiian UFC fighter. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| When that whole... | ||
| Tsunami came in. | ||
| He had the BJ pin cam on top of it. | ||
| So CNN, everybody was doing the BJ pin cam. | ||
| Yeah, we were just told this by Brad. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, Brad Hustle. | ||
| Do you know the guy? | ||
| I wanted to ask you this. | ||
| I'm not a huge MMA guy. | ||
| I do enjoy watching it when my wife's not around. | ||
| What about when she's around? | ||
| Try to make her happy? | ||
| She does. | ||
| Yeah, we watch Bravo. | ||
| We watch Bravo. | ||
| Watch Bravo together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| I gotta survive. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| I love my wife and she runs our life. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That Uriah Faber guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to watch him when he was a lot smaller. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| He's smaller now than he's ever been. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He looks so much bigger. | ||
| No, he started off his career. | ||
| He fought a few fights. | ||
| I think he fought a 55. Then he dropped down to 45. Won the title. | ||
| Lost the title at 45 to Mike Brown. | ||
| Lost an attempt at it again to Brown. | ||
| Then lost again to Jose Aldo. | ||
| So dropped down to 35. And now he is coaching. | ||
| He's 135? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he doesn't weigh 135. He cuts down to 135. He doesn't really fight at it either. | ||
| It's really stupid. | ||
| They weigh in at it. | ||
| I mean, I shouldn't say it's stupid. | ||
| So that one second in that day, they weigh 135. You know, it's usually for an hour or two. | ||
| So what do they really weigh? | ||
| Like 150-something? | ||
| He probably weighs close to 150-something when he gets into the octagon, 20 pounds of water. | ||
| I wouldn't say it'd be that much because that seems like that would wear him down. | ||
| Pounds mean more of a percentage of body weight when you get to a smaller person. | ||
| A big wrestler can cut 20 pounds, no problem. | ||
| But, you know, he's walking around 220 pounds. | ||
| He's cutting 20 pounds of water. | ||
| That's easy. | ||
| He makes 205. There's a big difference between that and a guy who's 150 cutting down to 130. Yeah, that's a percentage. | ||
| Yeah, the percentage of body weight is massive for 20 pounds at that weight. | ||
| But people do some really dangerous shit. | ||
| We've had guys black out. | ||
| You know, it's real tricky. | ||
| You know, the more ones that are handled by great professional gyms and do it healthily and, like, guys like George St. Pierre or Anderson Silva, they cut weight, but you never see them looking Scary. | ||
| Properly. | ||
| They never look gaunt and scary. | ||
| Like Anderson Silva, I know he cuts weight, but he never looks bad. | ||
| So he's only cutting what needs to be cut. | ||
| They've got it down to a science. | ||
| The smart guys do. | ||
| The good ones. | ||
| But every now and then, guys will take a chance. | ||
| It's just an unfortunate aspect of the game. | ||
| I watched, not a documentary, but a TV show about the guys that bought the UFC. I mean, that was fascinating, man. | ||
| Just fascinating how they bought it from that. | ||
| It was such a circus at one point. | ||
| I was in the old circus. | ||
| I used to work for the old circus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you fight in that? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I used to be the post-fight interviewer. | ||
| I was involved in both organizations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I was involved in the old one, yeah. | ||
| I did the old one from 1997. I did 97 and 98, and then I quit. | ||
| And then the new company came along. | ||
| They bought it in 2001. And there were some casino guys that put money into that. | ||
| Yeah, the Fatidas. | ||
| Frank and Lorenzo. | ||
| Good dudes is what I hear. | ||
| Great dudes. | ||
| Couldn't be better. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| You know, we always said when I was a fan back in the day, we said, you know what would be awesome if some really loked out billionaire dudes just became huge fans of the sport and just threw a shitload of money at it. | ||
| We know it would be huge. | ||
| And that's exactly what happened. | ||
| You know, there was one point in time while they were financing The Ultimate Fighter and putting it all together, they were over $44 million in the hole. | ||
| $44 million. | ||
| I mean, from a business perspective, that is unreal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's like craziness. | ||
| You have to make 80 million. | ||
| That shit gets phenomenal ratings. | ||
| It does now. | ||
| It does well now. | ||
| Now it's live, actually. | ||
| Now the Ultimate Fighter is live on FX, so you get to watch the fights as they happen. | ||
| As they happen. | ||
| Yeah, which is pretty badass. | ||
| It's a new thing that they're doing this time. | ||
| I mean, I just... | ||
| I'm amazed by the business side of it. | ||
| I mean, the CEO is obviously a badass. | ||
| I mean, he's... | ||
| The more and more I hear him talk... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Dana White? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he loves it. | ||
| He loves the sport 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a badass. | |
| He knows how to do it correctly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody works as hard as that guy. | ||
| I do ONA a bunch, and they just swear by that guy. | ||
| I mean, they're, like, just blown away by him. | ||
| Yeah, I do an ONA too. | ||
| Every time I'm in New York, I love those guys. | ||
| That's the best radio show. | ||
| They crack me up. | ||
| Jimmy Norton kills me. | ||
| He's the funniest fucking guy I know. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Funniest guy on radio ever. | ||
| Jim Norton. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| Another one. | ||
| Back to honesty. | ||
| He is who he is. | ||
| He's fine with it. | ||
| He's totally fine with it. | ||
| If you don't like it, who gives a shit? | ||
| Who the fuck else was joking about getting blown by trannies like Jimmy? | ||
| I mean, Jimmy brings it up on a daily basis. | ||
| And he makes you feel like you're a fucking idiot for not getting blown by a tranny. | ||
| Yeah, it sounds awesome. | ||
| It sounds delicious. | ||
| And then he somehow gets on Leno. | ||
| And I'm like, God, he just blows me away. | ||
| Yeah, he's amazing, man. | ||
| So hopefully I'll have a lot of listeners coming in from my guys listening to this one. | ||
| Give me kind of a five-second pitch. | ||
| When I now watch MMA, I'm blown away by it, man. | ||
| It totally blows me away. | ||
| Why is it so much better than boxing? | ||
| Because boxing's boring now. | ||
| Well, you know what it is? | ||
| It's not that it's better than boxing. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Boxing is only one aspect of a real fight. | ||
| And boxing is very exciting. | ||
| If you watch a good... | ||
| If Manny Pacquiao was going to fight Pretty Boy Floyd... | ||
| Or go back in time and watch Tommy Hearns and Sugar Ray Leonard... | ||
| There's some great fights. | ||
| I remember growing up, any Tyson fight when I was in high school and college was huge. | ||
| Those are massacres, though. | ||
| Yeah, but it was still the buzz, the excitement. | ||
| It was all pay-per-view. | ||
| Everybody, you didn't care. | ||
| We would drive... | ||
| To a cable place to buy some type of chip that allowed us to watch the Tyson fight. | ||
| And everyone pitched in like $2 to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We don't have boxing. | ||
| Now we will watch a UFC fight. | ||
| I still like boxing. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Yeah, you can't tell me that a fight like Meldrick Taylor and Julio Cesar Chavez, like one of those fights. | ||
| That's an exciting fight. | ||
| It's exciting. | ||
| And it's not the same when a guy can't take a guy down, when a guy can't throw kicks. | ||
| It's really not the same. | ||
| But under those rules, in choosing to fight that way, it's very fascinating to watch who's better at it. | ||
| So you respect the rules regardless of the type of fight? | ||
| I respect someone who's very skillful at anything. | ||
| Whatever they do. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather fight. | ||
| One of the things I like watching him fight about is how smart he is about avoiding danger. | ||
| He very rarely gets hit. | ||
| He's very smart at moving. | ||
| He's very smart at timing. | ||
| He's very smart defensively. | ||
| He keeps his hands in the proper position. | ||
| He very rarely gets clipped. | ||
| And when he does get clipped, he recovers very well. | ||
| He's real slick about the actual art form of boxing. | ||
| And when you see him fight a guy like Sugar Shane Mosley and essentially just shut him down, that's an amazing accomplishment. | ||
| You've got to realize how good Sugar Shane Mosley is, and then you can appreciate what you see Floyd Mayweather do. | ||
| And a guy like Manny Pacquiao just beats Sugar Shane Mosley senseless. | ||
| That's an incredible accomplishment. | ||
| If you know how good Shane is, and you see the Shane Margarito fight when he just chewed Margarito up, Shane Mosley is a beast. | ||
| So I'm a fan of anybody who's skillful at anything. | ||
| I'm a fan of people that are skillful gymnasts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you seen... | ||
| There's a video out here of this dude. | ||
| It came out last week of this butcher tearing apart a pig in two minutes. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's fucking art. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Two minutes? | ||
| A whole pig? | ||
| A whole pig. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| It's art. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Where do you find that? | ||
| It's on YouTube? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like two minutes. | ||
| Pull that shit up. | ||
| But it's... | ||
| I was like, holy crap. | ||
| I want to be a butcher. | ||
| I watched this thing. | ||
| I was like, man, this is beautiful. | ||
| I'm the same way. | ||
| I just enjoy... | ||
| If you're good at something and you're totally passionate about it... | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| I don't care what it is. | ||
| I never thought I would be into watching shows on cooking until I started watching Anthony Bourdain show. | ||
| Oh, Top Chef is awesome, man. | ||
| Oh, Anthony Bourdain is amazing. | ||
| I've never seen that. | ||
| Has he ever come in here? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, we had Anthony Bourdain on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he's fascinating. | |
| Yeah, he was awesome. | ||
| He's a great dude, too. | ||
| Is this the guy going to do it? | ||
| All right, he's going to shoot. | ||
| This guy's going to do this whole pig in two minutes. | ||
| There goes the head. | ||
| Wow, it's so ruthless. | ||
| It's really crazy when you see it like sectioned up like that. | ||
| It doesn't look like an animal anymore. | ||
| Once it starts getting sectioned, it just becomes like meat. | ||
| I heard him interviewed about it the other day and he goes, I just, he goes, I really love the art of butchering and I just wanted people to see it. | ||
| I really love the art of butchering. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I never thought about it that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| And, like, you don't realize these knives, you would take your leg off. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's cutting right through meat and bone with this thing. | ||
| And bone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the same as your leg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| He's got a saw. | ||
| It's unreal, man. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| How many people are completely removed from this aspect of eating meat? | ||
| Well, that's why he did it. | ||
| He said he wanted people to respect what they eat, and he wanted people to see that they're only eating good things. | ||
| It's really amazing what we've done in society by creating cities and having supermarkets. | ||
| We've completely taken the gathering and hunting out of our lifestyle. | ||
| My grandparents lived in a tiny little town way north of Denver, but up in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| And they would hunt it or grow it. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| I bet they were healthy as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, they lived to like, what, 85? | ||
| Healthy as shit. | ||
| They worked in the farm every day. | ||
| Look at the body cavity that's left over. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Think of the confidence with that knife it takes to like... | ||
| Yeah, he's pulling out the loin now. | ||
| This is where, like, tenderloin. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| It's the slab of meat that covers your spine. | ||
| And he even, like, dresses the bacon and everything. | ||
| I just think it's amazing. | ||
| That was the tenderloin that he just pulled out right there. | ||
| Let me slice on the other side of it right now. | ||
| That's crazy, man. | ||
| I love this thing. | ||
| I watched it like three times. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think I really like watching this. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| It doesn't bother me, but it's interesting. | ||
| What hits me on it is the confidence. | ||
| I really respect confidence of whatever you do. | ||
| And this dude is confident enough to just throw this thing around. | ||
| Oh, he sure knows what the fuck he's doing. | ||
| He knows every single step. | ||
| He knows what he's doing in three or four steps. | ||
| And I admire that. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| He set the bar for butchers, I'll tell you that. | ||
| There's a lot of guys going, I need a half an hour at least to clean up a pig. | ||
| This motherfucker just did it in two minutes and I put it on YouTube. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| Wow. | ||
| I think that is so fucking cool. | ||
| Now, he probably went to school for five years for that. | ||
| You know, or practiced. | ||
| I mean, I think he went to school for a year and then practiced for, you know, five or ten years to do that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And this is so random, but I just think shit like that is just fascinating. | ||
| I think we're all attracted to people that are really passionate about what they do and really excellent at what they do. | ||
| Because you tune into that and you go, wow, that kind of translates into anything you wanted to... | ||
| This guy who's great at being a guitarist could be great at being a butcher, could be great at being a chef. | ||
| If he had that sort of same focus at that, you watch a guy who's great at carpentry or great at anything. | ||
| There's something that... | ||
| It elevates us to watch other people be really good at stuff. | ||
| Don't you do that? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Did you do a fight or not? | ||
| I did when I was young. | ||
| I did a lot of Taekwondo tournaments. | ||
| I did some kickboxing. | ||
| But it was before the UFC was around. | ||
| And then by the time the UFC was around, I was already on TV. And I was just trying to make it out here. | ||
| Well, I was trying to be a stand-up comedian, and it never even existed, but I had to learn jujitsu. | ||
| I had to. | ||
| Because all my life, I had been involved in striking. | ||
| That's all I'd ever done. | ||
| And the UFC just made me realize, like, wow, there's some shit you need to learn. | ||
| I need to learn some missions. | ||
| You had to commit, I mean, even to both fighting and to... | ||
| I mean, how many... | ||
| What, you guys said you spent 10 years with them? | ||
| I wasn't qualified to do anything else, man. | ||
| No, I'm saying comedy. | ||
| Yeah, but comedy. | ||
| I mean, I could have done martial arts, could have taught martial arts, but like regular jobs, I had sort of, in chasing martial arts and then becoming completely obsessed and focusing 100% of all my energy and efforts on one thing, I had basically completely neglected my schoolwork. | ||
| Completely neglected some idea of a safety net. | ||
| I didn't have a safety net. | ||
| I wasn't even thinking about the potential for failing in life. | ||
| I wasn't thinking about it. | ||
| I was just trying to get excellent at martial arts. | ||
| And then when I realized that I was going to have a different sort of a job and I was going to have a different career, I... There was a moment where I was like, what am I going to do next? | ||
| And then I found comedy, and it was like really quick. | ||
| It was like, boom, this is it. | ||
| Well, that was my moment. | ||
| When I realized, and this was after The Rock Bottom, I mean, I had a lot of... | ||
| I mean, I thought about killing myself. | ||
| I was very depressed. | ||
| How are we going to do it? | ||
| I thought about a gun... | ||
| I drove towards Walmart to buy a gun and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| You got that close. | ||
| No, I don't want to act like I bought a gun. | ||
| I did. | ||
| But you thought about it. | ||
| I thought about it. | ||
| Because I really got to the point when I was going to call this wedding off, I was like, it would just be better if I'm gone and no one gets hurt. | ||
| So you're just going to kill yourself because you didn't want to get married? | ||
| I didn't want to upset her and I didn't want to upset my mom. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I got to the point where I was like, but then immediately it was like, what the fuck are you thinking? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But there was a point where I got so rock bottom, I was like, okay, there's something. | ||
| Like, this has got to be good. | ||
| There's got to be good in this somewhere. | ||
| And so I always want to have an audience as large as I'm going to have here. | ||
| I just want to make sure you guys, like, if you're listening and you're down as shit, man, there's something good that's going to come out of this. | ||
| It can. | ||
| My dad dying ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Clearly. | ||
| I got my shit together. | ||
| My brother got his shit together. | ||
| All of his friends got sober. | ||
| Everybody got their shit together. | ||
| My dad did more by dying than he did by living. | ||
| And my dad would love that. | ||
| I say that all the time. | ||
| My dad would love that I'm saying this out loud to an audience this big. | ||
| He motivated me and a lot of people to get their shit together. | ||
| So for me, that moment, and I don't want to say it was an aha moment, but when I realized, okay, wait a minute, I've gone really deep. | ||
| Now if I just embrace it and stop hiding it and not telling people about it, Like, I should just totally tell everyone about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'll do more with it. | ||
| And that was after when I realized my dad, like, we were trying to make this funeral that was, like, all, like, perfect and awesome. | ||
| And it was fake. | ||
| And then we were just like, fuck it. | ||
| We're just gonna stand up and tell the real story. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And people celebrated the real story. | ||
| Funeral's brutal, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was an awesome thing. | |
| I think they can be awesome. | ||
| I don't like them. | ||
| I think they can be awesome. | ||
| We had about 500 people that stood up and drank beers, or drank little shots of Dewars, and they told stories about my dad. | ||
| That's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was awesome. | |
| It was a celebration. | ||
| If you can get a good group of people around and pull that off. | ||
| It was a celebration of who he really was. | ||
| The last time I was at a funeral, it was brutal. | ||
| There's family members crying, and everybody's depressed. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| What was your Fleshlight story going back to that? | ||
| Oh, Fleshlight. | ||
| Back to where Al comes back around. | ||
| We did a very early on, A&E's asked me not to tell this story anymore. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Let me definitely say it's not an A&E house. | ||
| It's a house I did privately. | ||
| They've asked you to not tell this story? | ||
| They don't like the dildos. | ||
| When there's dildos and sex toys involved, they don't like it. | ||
| They don't mind human shit in 45,000 pound bundles. | ||
| Dead cats? | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| Does this give people pleasure in their genitals? | ||
| Not interested. | ||
| So there was a bunch of back massagers in this house. | ||
| Yes, back. | ||
| So this house, this dude collected... | ||
| It was a private home. | ||
| The family told us he was dying of heart disease. | ||
| So we walked into this thinking, we're cleaning the house to get hospice to be allowed to come here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We're fine with it. | ||
| We start cleaning the house and... | ||
| Right away we're seeing a lot of, like, paper porn. | ||
| Like, old swank magazines and, you know, shit that's got cum stains on it. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I mean, not digital. | ||
| And so, we're going, you see it physically. | ||
| When you see this volume, I mean, all of us watch a ton of porn on internet, but could you imagine if that was all physical and you had to flip through each magazine that you look at? | ||
| And it's filled with all crusty things. | ||
| So, I mean, it was just, this guy didn't get digital yet, so he just had tons and tons of porn. | ||
| Probably no more than we look at. | ||
| But it just was physical. | ||
| And we're going to the house, and then the deeper we got, it got more aggressive. | ||
| There was some Disney porn, like Disney characters drawn out. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| We found Polaroids. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Like I said the other day, like think of taking your picture with your cell phone now of your dick. | ||
| Think trying to do that with a Polaroid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like you got to set it all up. | ||
| You got to pull the neck thing around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Use your feet? | |
| Yeah, I mean you got to pull that red button. | ||
| Like it's not easy. | ||
| And there were some kids involved in the polar pictures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| So we were like, we've got to call the cops. | ||
| At the same time, some of my guys were in the back room. | ||
| So this guy knew this stuff was there or didn't know? | ||
| He obviously knew it was there, but in his mind, he had justified it, that it was okay. | ||
| He had justified it was okay to have naked pictures of kids? | ||
| Probably because he was dying also. | ||
| He didn't think anything wrong with us being in there. | ||
| He didn't think twice about it. | ||
| So, same time, one of my guys finds this really big flashlight that he thinks. | ||
| And he opens it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, that looks like a vagina. | |
| Turns it upside down. | ||
| Turns it upside down and a couple things drop out of it. | ||
| And then he realized what it was. | ||
| Clean your fleshlights, people. | ||
| He realized what it was and he tossed it across the room. | ||
| The fleshlight. | ||
| And we, that was our first introduction to the fleshlight. | ||
| From some crazy hoarder that's saving his sperm in it. | ||
| Sperm hoarder. | ||
| You know what, though, dude? | ||
| You know what, though? | ||
| It probably... | ||
| I hate to say it. | ||
| We always say it probably saved him from going out and doing something crazy, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| He ended up going to jail. | ||
| We had to call the cops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He went to jail for child porn? | ||
| He did, yeah. | ||
| We got three years. | ||
| And then when he got out... | ||
| That's all you get? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| And he got out, and all the guys on my crew have served longer time for selling weed. | ||
| And that dude was molesting boys and got three years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Gets out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Gets out, and he calls us to clean the house again. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Why? | ||
| I was like, the house was messy, and he filled it up again in a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, hey, I think you guys might have cleaned my house before. | |
| And I was like, dude, you should still be in jail, man. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing out there? | ||
| Do child molesters cut their fleshlights in half? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Did he give up on charm molesting? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We told him to fuck off. | ||
| We were just not interested. | ||
| We just couldn't believe that he called us back. | ||
| That's creepy as fuck, man. | ||
| We get some weird stuff, man. | ||
| And again, it comes back to it. | ||
| What you see... | ||
| I think life is subjective, man. | ||
| What I see on a daily basis is so much more intense than what someone else might see. | ||
| When I get to a hoarder, it's no big deal, man. | ||
| It's no big deal. | ||
| I always say, I run a lot of marathons, and when you are running a marathon, there's always someone behind you. | ||
| It doesn't matter how bad a day you're having. | ||
| There's always someone in the race behind you. | ||
| You're never going to be last. | ||
| And one day I actually got passed by a dude with one leg. | ||
| And I had a really bad marathon. | ||
| And about mile 18 where you hit the wall. | ||
| I was like, I'm fucking dying. | ||
| I had my head down. | ||
| And I looked up and this dude with one leg just fucking hops by me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Was he only on one leg? | ||
| No, he has an artificial leg. | ||
| But he's only on one leg, and he kicked my ass and beat me by about ten minutes. | ||
| How much of his leg was missing? | ||
| The whole leg? | ||
| Oh, I mean, it was way above thigh. | ||
| So that hurts. | ||
| I mean, the pain about it is apparently amazing. | ||
| It's not knee. | ||
| It was way above the knee. | ||
| So he's running in pain. | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And, of course, that made me be like, well, fuck, if this guy can finish, I better finish. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, for me, I always come back, everything's mental. | ||
| Everything is mental. | ||
| And it's just, are you going to quit before you're willing to overtake it? | ||
| There's a lot to life that's mental. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I mean, shit happens and it's not your fault. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| That's not mental. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you're ever faced with quitting, that's up to you. | ||
| You either quit or you don't. | ||
| But I thought quitting is good if a guy's beating your ass. | ||
| That's strategically stopping. | ||
| That's not quitting. | ||
| That's a smart decision to stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| If you were beating the fuck out of me, I'd say I'm sorry and get out of there. | ||
| That's just smart. | ||
| That is smart. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| That ain't quitting. | ||
| Crazy guys that wait in an alley with a baseball bat afterwards. | ||
| Yeah, you motherfucker. | ||
| Now I'm going to get your payback. | ||
| You've got to take your ass kingings. | ||
| I firmly believe you just have to be, if you're mentally strong, you can get through things. | ||
| And it's not that simple. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| It's not that simple. | ||
| But it helps. | ||
| You can stay committed to whatever you're doing. | ||
| It's an honorable attribute. | ||
| It's a very attractive attribute, too. | ||
| That's why these stories that you told today were so much fun. | ||
| Because, you know, everybody likes to hear a story about a guy who was falling apart and a guy who got into an unimaginable situation. | ||
| You're getting... | ||
| You know, a bookie is beating you up and you owe him $40,000. | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| It seems craziness, but you can get there really quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I believe you. | ||
| Well, I think that's what's admirable about your story. | ||
| I mean, I didn't come from a bad home. | ||
| All my bad... | ||
| All the bad things in my life came by personal choices. | ||
| Like, I had a great family. | ||
| I mean, nothing bad should happen to me. | ||
| I had all the chances in the world. | ||
| I just made a few bad decisions. | ||
| Well, it sounds like the college thing going to a casino is what set you off, right? | ||
| That's what started it all off? | ||
| Yeah, I just really dug it, man. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with gambling if you can control it. | ||
| How far did it go? | ||
| I mean, how long were you gambling before you were completely out of control? | ||
| Oh, years. | ||
| Oh, so you were fine for years. | ||
| I wasn't fine. | ||
| I was getting there. | ||
| When it hit me... | ||
| Why do they say it grows? | ||
| Because I've talked to people, and these are people who are alcoholics, and they make alcoholism sound like it's like you got cursed by a demon, and there's some sort of an evil force inside you. | ||
| But no, my friend actually said this to me. | ||
| He said... | ||
| What you don't understand is that even when you're not using, the addiction still grows. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I would think about it all the time. | ||
| The addiction grows. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So you feel like your addiction is stronger now than it was when you were even gambling. | ||
| It's grown. | ||
| I think I'm coming off. | ||
| I'm addicted to new things. | ||
| My addiction to other things is very strong. | ||
| But in your case, not to gambling, though. | ||
| You don't have that same addiction to gambling? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, I have a feeling if I was at a table, I'd have a real hard time not doing it. | ||
| So his explanation of it, though, which was so hard for me to wrap my head around, was that this addiction is a disease. | ||
| And that the disease is unstoppable. | ||
| And that all you can do is sort of manage your life. | ||
| And you're never cured. | ||
| You're always just recovering from this disease. | ||
| I would say you're always recovering, yes. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I do believe that. | ||
| But you can, there's levels of that, and you can, it doesn't mean your life has to be horrible. | ||
| I mean, anyone that's listening, your life is shit, man. | ||
| You can make some choices to change. | ||
| It doesn't mean it's gonna be perfect. | ||
| Your life's never gonna be perfect. | ||
| We tell the hoarders, like, don't try to think that your life is gonna, all of a sudden, you're gonna be cured in a year, and your life's gonna be great. | ||
| You've gotta really set your expectations, and if for a hoarder that's had, you know, 40,000 pounds of shit in their life, literally, if you can just keep a couple rooms clean and actually show up and go to work, That's success for you. | ||
| You've got to really set your expectations. | ||
| You're never going to have a perfect, easy life like you see on TV. That's not realistic. | ||
| So for a lot of these guys that are addicts out there, your life may not be perfect ever again, but it can be better than it is right now. | ||
| You've got to make some decisions and make a plan and get it set. | ||
| And it's never easy. | ||
| It doesn't take a day. | ||
| Well, dude, I didn't expect this part of the conversation. | ||
| I thought we were just going to talk about crazy shit. | ||
| No, no, it was great. | ||
| It's not that it wasn't alright. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I think it was very inspirational for people. | ||
| Like I said, people love hearing people figuring things out. | ||
| They love that. | ||
| They love people. | ||
| And I think it's especially important for you and your job because you come to them and you come to these crazy people with this perspective. | ||
| I understand how this can go completely wrong. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| And you say, yeah, you've been worse. | ||
| And that's amazing. | ||
| That's a really cool situation, man. | ||
| You're the perfect guy for the job, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm lucky he's doing it. | ||
| I got a great job, man. | ||
| This was a great conversation. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| Really interesting stuff. | ||
| I'm a huge fan. | ||
| Honored to be here. | ||
| I know you don't want to lie. | ||
| I'm a huge fan as well, man. | ||
| Especially now. | ||
| And what is your podcast again? | ||
| How can people get it? | ||
| Five Decisions Away. | ||
| Go on iTunes or 5decisionsaway.com. | ||
| What category is it on iTunes? | ||
| We're TV and... | ||
| There it is right there. | ||
| We are TV and entertainment. | ||
| So it turns out... | ||
| By the way, it's for non-iTunes users. | ||
| You have for non-iTunes users. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a Mac guy. | ||
| I'm not an Apple guy. | ||
| Oh, it's non-iTunes? | ||
| I do all this shit myself. | ||
| No, I mean... | ||
| No, we're on iTunes. | ||
| It's called iTunes. | ||
| But you don't like Macs? | ||
| I just never committed to it. | ||
| You never committed to it? | ||
| I'm still hanging on. | ||
| I own a business still. | ||
| I mean, so I'm still PC. How many viruses do you get? | ||
| Five a day. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| I mean, good lord. | ||
| Do you really get a lot of viruses? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, porn, you get viruses. | ||
| Are you addicted to porn as well? | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| I'm not going to lie. | ||
| I'm married. | ||
| I am married. | ||
| I mean, it's a lot easier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should have got you a flashlight. | ||
| Spankwired. | ||
| Could you bring one home or would you get in trouble? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I don't need that. | ||
| You don't need that? | ||
| It's too much effort. | ||
| Too much effort? | ||
| I'm two minutes in and out. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, I work a lot. | ||
| I need to be in bed, man. | ||
| Give me two minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm done. | |
| Think of a buddy's wife. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Think of your buddy's wife. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You have a buddy with a hot wife? | ||
| We had a conversation about that the other night. | ||
| Someone was like, have you ever masturbated to your wife? | ||
| And everybody in the room was like, no. | ||
| Never thought about my actual own wife. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Someone else's wife. | ||
| You thought about your buddy's wife? | ||
| Always. | ||
| We always say, who do you... | ||
| We call it the closer. | ||
| You know that show The Closer on CBS? And we always call each other's wives the closer. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because if you can't do it, man, that's the closer. | ||
| Someone else's wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So you're being honest about jerking off to each other's wives. | ||
| Does he jerk off to your wife as well? | ||
| I'm sure he does. | ||
| My wife's hot. | ||
| But he doesn't tell you this? | ||
| You're just putting it in his face. | ||
| I'm sure he is, man. | ||
| My wife's hot. | ||
| His wife's hot. | ||
| But it's not an achievement if I'm thinking of my wife. | ||
| I've got to have someone else. | ||
| Have you ever tried to set up your wives together? | ||
| No, it's too much work. | ||
| Maybe they like it. | ||
| It's a Merlot. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm old school. | ||
| I love my wife. | ||
| I love being married. | ||
| It's a good thing. | ||
| I love being a dad. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| But, you know, you gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
| Well, I think you definitely have a certain happiness from knowing the darkest sides of your personality and what you're capable of getting yourself into. | ||
| This is a life I never thought I'd have. | ||
| This is so cool. | ||
| So I would never want to fuck it up. | ||
| That's beautiful, man. | ||
| Listen, Matt, you're a great guy. | ||
| Thank you very much for coming on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, man. | |
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| I really, really appreciate it. | ||
| Anytime you ever want to come back. | ||
| I will. | ||
| Don't offer it. | ||
| I'll come. | ||
| You're on. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I'm offering it anytime. | ||
| Come on down. | ||
| And you can get him. | ||
| Please follow Matt on Twitter. | ||
| It's Clutter Cleaner. | ||
| One word, Clutter Cleaner at Twitter. | ||
| And his podcast, Five Decisions Away. | ||
| You can get it on iTunes. | ||
| You can get it on 5decisionsaway.com. | ||
| Yep, either one. | ||
| And there's an app if you need it. | ||
| And there's an app. | ||
| Atlanta, the tickets are on sale for the second show. | ||
| Yes, I am filming my DVD on April 20th like a true stoner. | ||
| Because it was 420. I couldn't pass. | ||
| Plus it was Atlanta. | ||
| I have been in Atlanta a long time. | ||
| And I had the opportunity to play at this place called The Tabernacle, which is this amazing theater in Atlanta. | ||
| It's going to be me, Joey Diaz, and Duncan Trussell. | ||
| The first show is sold out, but we just released tickets for a second show. | ||
| It's going to be at 1030. | ||
| We're filming during both shows, so don't worry about it. | ||
| Don't say, fuck, a lot of people got mad. | ||
| I already have tickets to the 8 show. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| We're filming the 8 o'clock show too. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| We're going to have a great fucking time. | ||
| Again, Joey Diaz, Brian Redband's coming. | ||
| Duncan Trussle's gonna be there. | ||
| Little Hobo will be there as well. | ||
| And I will be releasing this on the internet, Louis C.K. style, for five bucks. | ||
| The easiest way to do it. | ||
| Yeah, Louis changed the game. | ||
| It's a game changer, bitches. | ||
| That is the end of our four podcasts in a row week, Brian. | ||
| How you feeling? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You okay? | |
| I'm ready to take a nap. | ||
| You wanna get something to eat? | ||
| I'm starving. | ||
| You wanna get some yum-yums? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Thank you for being the coolest fucking audience members in the world. | ||
| We, you know, everywhere we go, we... | ||
| I'm constantly being told how generous the fans of the podcast are, how cool people are, and how nice and what a pleasure it is to wait on you guys. | ||
| And that means the world to me. | ||
| I just want to say thank you. | ||
| Thank you very much for that. | ||
| Next weekend, I'm at the Comedy and Magic Club. | ||
| The weekend after that, I'm at the Louisville Improv. | ||
| All the information is available on JoeRogan.net. | ||
| And this weekend, Friday and Saturday, We are here at the Ice House in the Annex. | ||
| It's an 85-seat room. | ||
| This shit sells out quickly. | ||
| And it's going to be a lot of our friends. | ||
| Joe Diaz, Duncan Trussell, whoever's around. | ||
| We've got a lot of guys coming down. | ||
| So, good times are coming, you fucking freaks. | ||
| And we won't see you until next week. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Next week. | ||
| Bye, everybody. |
Export Selection