Feb. 21, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:03:20
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Sorry, sorry, sorry. | ||
| It's a lot of people I have to communicate with. | ||
| We already started, Joe. | ||
| Here we go, you dirty bitch. | ||
| No, how dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you really? | |
| We said go. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here we go. | |
| Comma. | ||
| This is how slow I type. | ||
| You dirty bitches. | ||
| And you know why I type so bad? | ||
| It's because I don't want to admit that I need glasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking, I need reading glasses. | ||
| I have old man eyes. | ||
| No. | ||
| HTTP. And people say, Joe, do you write all those crazy lines before the action? | ||
| Yeah, I do that all myself. | ||
| I'm like a coder, bro. | ||
| This is like sneakers. | ||
| Oh my god, sneakers reference. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Whoa, how did you bust that out? | ||
| I know, you guys. | ||
| Look, I have a lot going for me. | ||
| You do have a lot going for you. | ||
| We're going to get to that. | ||
| Reference-wise. | ||
| Do you have any flashlights at your house, Amy? | ||
| Dude, this is a commercial. | ||
| He's easing into it. | ||
| I have zero flashlights. | ||
| Are you guys promoting flashlights or flashlights? | ||
| Flashlights. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| Well, it's one of our sponsors. | ||
| I have no use for that. | ||
| It's very embarrassing. | ||
| I've got my own situation. | ||
| Yeah, that's a totally different groove. | ||
| If I'm ever craving a pocket pussy, like I've got one. | ||
| Well, the tuck and pull method of the fleshlight where you take the actual fleshlight out of it and it's like this big fleshy thing and you tuck it inside of you and then you pull it out slowly and it feels really good. | ||
| It's kind of like anal beads for your vagina and it's the second use of the fleshlight. | ||
| But you want to make sure you don't tuck the whole thing in there because it could probably get stuck. | ||
| Tell me less. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| Tell me less. | ||
| Amy Schumer being silly goose. | ||
| We have two commercials. | ||
| This is what we do. | ||
| One of them is for the Fleshlight that really is a sponsor for our podcast. | ||
| Do you have one here? | ||
| No, I'm sorry. | ||
| I would have brought you one if I thought you were curious. | ||
| I thought there was a gift bag situation. | ||
| I should start hooking that up, right? | ||
| I had a boyfriend ask me if I'd be into him getting that and I was like, I don't see how that would benefit me at all. | ||
| Oh, why? | ||
| Maybe so you could watch him fuck something else if you were crazy? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, I'm cool. | ||
| You could just fuck me. | ||
| Maybe he could just fuck that thing and you spit on him. | ||
| Maybe that's what he's looking for. | ||
| Maybe that's what he wanted, yeah. | ||
| You piss on him. | ||
| Do you need me to make more time for us or what's happening? | ||
| Smack him in the face while he's doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wasn't like that kind of a dude, but I wouldn't mind that. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| I tried to find out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anyway, if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| And our sponsor forever, from the beginning of the podcast, when we were scrubs. | ||
| This is like we've come so far. | ||
| Yeah, look at you. | ||
| We have a room. | ||
| We have an actual space now with cameras. | ||
| But from the beginning of the podcast, these guys were with us when nobody was watching, listening, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're so grateful. | |
| They remain our sponsor. | ||
| They're cool. | ||
| And it's a good product. | ||
| Even though it sounds embarrassing. | ||
|
unidentified
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Do you love it? | |
| It's a good product. | ||
| I don't love it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
|
unidentified
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I like it. | |
| I'm not going to complain about it. | ||
| It's a good inanimate object, but I don't feel love for it. | ||
| That would be creepy. | ||
| That would be like a Twilight Zone. | ||
| I feel like it's possible. | ||
| Those real dolls, you know, have you seen those where they have communities of real dolls? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And dudes like get their real dolls together and like, hey man, my girl likes your girl. | ||
| I didn't know that happened, but... | ||
| I made fun of it on my website once in a blog and then some guy emailed me his reality. | ||
| You know, as to why he has this. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It's, like, really sad. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's either really sad or the best troll ever. | ||
| It was horrific. | ||
| Well, he could have been a troll. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| But it didn't seem like it was. | ||
| He was one of the guys that was in the community that I was making fun of because they had all their dolls and they're dressing them and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, hey, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You guys are crazy. | ||
| So what was his defense? | ||
| Well, then a lot of these guys are either disfigured or something really wrong with them. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, God. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That is so sad. | ||
| It is very sad. | ||
| It's a fucking... | ||
| What a shitty roll of the dice. | ||
| I think I can get down with fucking a disfigured guy. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, like something... | ||
| Like one little thing fucked up. | ||
| I think I could get into that. | ||
| But what if he had a lot of things fucked up? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, if he's like... | |
| He can't be like all masked out. | ||
| Like he's got a... | ||
| It just has to be like one charming like baby arm or... | ||
| Like a weird wart or something. | ||
| Some weird eyelid wart. | ||
| I don't think it can be something extra. | ||
| I think it has to be something missing. | ||
| So if like a limb is gone... | ||
| That way everyone thinks I'm so nice and I'll be kind of grossed out while we're fucking. | ||
| But get into it, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Would the gross style part benefit you in some way? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like watching porn like that where I'm like, would this make me puke? | ||
| Would I throw up on this dude? | ||
| This is how I'm finding my target demo. | ||
| I'm just like, if you're disfigured, you want a chance. | ||
| If you're disfigured or you want to make me puke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on down to the funny bone and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Amy Schumer, you crazy. | ||
| You so crazy. | ||
| We're still doing commercials, believe it or not. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| It doesn't seem like it, right? | ||
| Yeah, the cameras are not even on you. | ||
| But that's the beautiful thing of the flow. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing of the flow of this show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're also sponsored by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancement supplement that I show you right here. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Vitamins for your dome, Amy Schumer. | ||
| I saw you take it. | ||
| Smart pills. | ||
| You're really doing it. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| Take them for real. | ||
| It's not as prominent as Adderall or something like that, but what it does is it enhances the way your brain functions. | ||
| Anybody who's interested in it, Google the word nootropics. | ||
| That's the best way to get information on it. | ||
| And try a bunch of different stuff out before you ever even think about buying alpha brain. | ||
| Research nootropics. | ||
| Get involved in looking at what it is. | ||
| There's a bunch of studies about it. | ||
| A lot of them were done on people with Alzheimer's, people whose brains weren't functioning so well anymore, and it helped them. | ||
| Various companies have nootropic formulas, don't necessarily go out and buy Alpha Brain, but I'm telling you that we use it and it's awesome. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| And if you don't like it, you order it and it doesn't work for you, you don't even have to return it. | ||
| You get 100% money back guaranteeing. | ||
| We try to make it as easy as possible for your first order. | ||
| Can't have more than that because some people stole it or something. | ||
| Dragons came, Brian? | ||
| What was the story again? | ||
| How'd it go? | ||
| The dragons came. | ||
| It was a troll who came over the mountain with a battle axe and came into town and took all the Alphabrain and put it on eBay or something? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Joe, you took my Alphabrain the other day and sold it on eBay, I noticed. | ||
| I didn't sell it on eBay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's right here. | |
| Yeah, his new thing is that he just gives it to me and he launders it and then sells it on eBay. | ||
| It's been him the whole time. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's my new theory. | ||
| I make like three bucks every time. | ||
| It's an awesome deal. | ||
| Anyway, we also have a bunch of different cool supplements that are available. | ||
| All of them that I find to be effective. | ||
| If I didn't think they're effective, I wouldn't promote them 100%. | ||
| That's the truth. | ||
| Get into it. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| If you want to try AlphaBrain, go to JoeRogan.net, click on the AlphaBrain link, enter in the code name ROGAN, and you get 10% off all orders, not just the first one, as many orders in the future. | ||
| All right, bitches. | ||
| Amy Schuber's here. | ||
| Start the music. | ||
| Now the podcast officially begins. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan podcast by night. | |
| All day. | ||
| That's a very mild version of the song there. | ||
| It's like you weren't trying to hurt Amy Schumer's ears. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| That was the lady-friendly version? | ||
| I think that was. | ||
| I think that's exactly what he was doing. | ||
| Is that what you were doing? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Because you find her cute. | ||
| I didn't want to startle her. | ||
| You love her. | ||
| You love her already. | ||
| Look, you're already adjusting your behavior. | ||
| Say it. | ||
| That's respect. | ||
| That's some serious respect. | ||
| Whoa, I'm excited. | ||
| Because usually it blows your fucking eardrums out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's all silly. | ||
| It's kind of like tea party music. | ||
| And then he gets silly with the fade out. | ||
| You know, because he fades it out. | ||
| And it goes on for like minutes. | ||
| But not with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, Brian. | |
| With you, he's trying to be like really unobtrusive and really sweet. | ||
| Look, I'm putting collages of pictures together. | ||
| You're making him the best. | ||
| You're making him the best, Brian, he can be. | ||
| He's doing his job. | ||
| You're shocked. | ||
| For real, if it wasn't for you here, I think you're making Brian the best Brian he can possibly be. | ||
| Is this a better version of you, Brian, for real? | ||
| What if I bring out the best in you? | ||
| Don't run away from this. | ||
| He's trying to troll me right now. | ||
| I'm not trying to troll you. | ||
| Women do do that. | ||
| That's one of the things that... | ||
| He's playing a practical joke on me right now. | ||
| You know how guys... | ||
| This is going to sound totally ridiculous, but you know how guys will sometimes get divorced and the woman will get half a guy's shit and then people will say, oh man, that's fucked up. | ||
| She never told a joke or she never made one point. | ||
| How the fuck did she get half his money? | ||
| But... | ||
| The combination of people sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes, like, a woman will come into your life, and she's such a badass bitch, and you want to impress her so much, you will be a better person. | ||
| Well, I think the flip side of that is, I think what chicks do... | ||
| Not me. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think when you start dating somebody, like, I'll just... | ||
| Like, I'm like super cool new girl, you know? | ||
| I'm like, let me just sweep the crazy under the rug for a couple months. | ||
| I'm like, you don't need to see this. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You don't need to meet my mom, who I'm becoming. | ||
| And then, you know, the truth comes out eventually. | ||
| But I think you're like the best version of yourself at first, and then you can't help it. | ||
| That's what I always tell guys. | ||
| You should be the you who you're pretending to be when you're trying to get laid. | ||
| If you do that... | ||
| Stay that way. | ||
| Yeah, stay that guy. | ||
| Be that guy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It is possible to be that guy. | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
| Yeah, you can decide and work on it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Be the you that you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stay that guy all the time. | |
| I think it takes a lot of vitamin D or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, it definitely takes vitamin D. That's why I'm so low on D. You gotta do squats. | |
| You gotta do deadlifts. | ||
| A ton of squats. | ||
| Squats doesn't give you D. Kettlebell, son. | ||
| Big fucking heavy ones. | ||
| 50 pounders, 70 pounders. | ||
| You gotta really work the spine and the core. | ||
| All that is part of it. | ||
| Gotta keep your core engaged for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Word. | |
| Yeah, my inner core. | ||
| So I think that Amy Schumer is like your muse. | ||
| This is what I'm saying. | ||
| You know that she's hilarious. | ||
| You know that she's talented as fuck. | ||
| So when you're around her, you've got this crazy respect because you're also physically attracted to her. | ||
| There's a lot going on here. | ||
| This is the best. | ||
| Don't you feel this? | ||
| Don't you feel this, Amy? | ||
| There's a lot going on here. | ||
| I am loving this. | ||
| Brian, this is not bad, bro. | ||
| Brian's totally shaking his head. | ||
| Brian, are you in denial? | ||
| All I'm saying is she makes you a better person. | ||
| I'm now a Cougar Hunter show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| What is this shirt? | ||
| This Cougar Hunter show. | ||
| Yeah, the evidence is right there. | ||
| That shirt is so ridiculous. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know what I want to do? | ||
| I want to get pictures of you in the woods near my house where the mountain lion is. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Let's go out near my house because there's been four mountain lion sightings near my house. | ||
| Attacks or just sightings? | ||
| No, just sightings. | ||
| You know, the attacks are usually on dogs and a lot of rabbits get fucked up and the occasional deer if they catch a deer. | ||
| They'll basically fuck up anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they try to avoid people as much as possible, so it's really weird that they've seen four or at least one four times in the course of... | ||
| It might be the same one. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| I'm obsessed with that show. | ||
| You ever watch I Survived? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the Mountain Lion ones really fucked me up. | ||
| They just, like, they scalp you. | ||
| They're horrific. | ||
| They're horrific. | ||
| They're so dangerous. | ||
| You don't even have any idea of how strong they are. | ||
| You know, when you see one, there was one, when I was in Colorado, they had a stuffed one. | ||
| They had this crazy wildlife exhibit place where there was this guy taking care of all these different tigers that were from zoos. | ||
| It was like a big, huge area filled with big cats. | ||
| But they had a stuffed mountain lion. | ||
| How big? | ||
| It was like 200 pounds, 150, 200 pounds. | ||
| But when you look at the dimensions, that's when it freaks you out. | ||
| You see the width of its paws? | ||
| Its wrist is like twice the size of a man's. | ||
| They're enormous wrists. | ||
| And then you look at the bones of the paws and you look at the fucking head. | ||
| All of it just designed to fuck shit up. | ||
| Just ruin you. | ||
| Imagine a cat as big as a person. | ||
| This is essentially what it is. | ||
| It's a big man, but it's a cat. | ||
| It's like six feet. | ||
| 200 pound fucking cat! | ||
| The one I saw and I survived, the woman was trying to save her husband and she was jamming a pen into the mountain lion's eye and it wasn't even reacting. | ||
| It was just like, what? | ||
| Yeah, Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| Yeah, you would have to brick that thing. | ||
| Aren't you scared to be outside by your house? | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, but I pack heat. | ||
| You know what I do? | ||
| When I go outside, sometimes I go outside to take a leak just to put my mark around the house. | ||
| That's not weird. | ||
| That's not weird. | ||
| That's not weird at all. | ||
| I do it in my underwear with a gun in my underwear. | ||
| I just tuck the gun in my underwear. | ||
| See, I just poop in little coffee cans inside my house and then I just put them around my yard. | ||
| You guys, I feel like we should have more secrets from each other. | ||
| Let's start now and we'll just... | ||
| It'll just be secrets. | ||
| Listen, ladies and gentlemen, I don't really walk around my house. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| But I did, when I was hiking in Colorado, I did always use to bring a gun. | ||
| Just for that very reason. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just for the mountain lion reason. | ||
| Most likely it never happens, but fuck if it does happen. | ||
| Wouldn't it be nice to be able to shoot that cunt? | ||
| Those posters that say, like, just make yourself bigger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, this is gonna... | ||
| You say it's gonna, but you gotta do something. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Listen, you gotta do something when a big wild killer is looking at you. | ||
| I'm going to throw my friend at the mountain lion and I'll go get help. | ||
| That's probably a good move. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Say, you're better at playing dead! | ||
| And then just push them. | ||
| You're a better actor! | ||
| You remember in South Park when the fucking actors had to save the world, how important it was? | ||
| It's like, you can save us, you're an actor! | ||
| Just push her in there. | ||
| Play like you're dead! | ||
| Operation Human Shield. | ||
| Pretend! | ||
| Go, bitch. | ||
| Oh, wow, mountain lion's eating your asshole. | ||
| Ouch. | ||
| Joe, do you remember that thing we talked about a while back where I said if you ever get attacked by a lion, I would take like a piece of paper and try to throw it like if it was a real cat, and you were like, ah, you're stupid. | ||
| But somebody posted this amazing documentary of this guy, and you've actually seen it before, where he gets really close to this lion, this male lion and this girl lion, and he's holding a toilet paper roll. | ||
| And the whole time, he's just holding it in his right hand, and then the cat starts coming up to him. | ||
| He's just about to throw the toilet paper roll, and the cat just kind of looks over to the right. | ||
| It looks like you're just jerking off the cat right now. | ||
| But then at one point, he got really close, and the guy was going to use that to throw it in the opposite direction. | ||
| He said that that would be his only chance to survive. | ||
| It was that little toilet paper roll. | ||
| Yeah, and if I could find the video, I'll try to find it. | ||
| If anyone knows what I'm talking about, tweet it to me. | ||
| So his only chance to survive was to distract him with toilet paper? | ||
| Yeah, we have to watch this video. | ||
| I hope somebody tweets me it, because you'll freak out. | ||
| Wow, because they've never seen anything like it before? | ||
| It's because their instincts are still a cat. | ||
| If you throw anything at a cat, it will be like, what the fuck's that? | ||
| We should kill all cats. | ||
| Yeah, let's just eliminate them. | ||
| I love my cats and everything, but I know the only reason why I love them is because of the size difference. | ||
| I'm way bigger than them. | ||
| Yeah, but you're not going to love a ferret. | ||
| If she wanted to fuck around and try to kill me, I could snap her neck. | ||
| Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's what makes you love something? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| That's why she loves me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| I'm big enough. | ||
| But if the roles were reversed, my cat would eat me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Cats, I don't... | ||
| They're like abusive relationships. | ||
| They fucking do... | ||
| They would totally eat you. | ||
| When they need something, they're like, hey, it's me. | ||
| And then when they're like, fuck off. | ||
| You can't have a cat and a pet mouse. | ||
| You just can't have it. | ||
| Do you have that? | ||
| You just can't have it. | ||
| A pet mouse? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| But I do have cats. | ||
| I have two cats. | ||
| What are their names? | ||
| You don't need to know. | ||
| I'm interested. | ||
| This is personal creepy shit. | ||
| You know, you're getting married with me. | ||
| Here's that video, Joe. | ||
| I'm painting myself a picture. | ||
| Here's that video. | ||
| Spaz and Oliver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah, I'm not judging you. | ||
| Oh, this is insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He faces the king of beasts. | |
| Just an ordinary roll of toilet paper. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That guy's out of his fucking mind. | ||
| I don't know if that guy's lion-sized. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's gonna throw it at his head and hope it creates a diversion. | |
| Oh my god, look at that thing. | ||
| None of them have guns either. | ||
| What's the cameraman doing? | ||
| Look at this fucking lion. | ||
| Look at the size of this thing. | ||
| I don't know which thing you're talking about. | ||
| It gets intense. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's intense now. | ||
| For the audio listeners, it's a bear versus a lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A bear? | |
| I mean, a big hairy guy. | ||
| A big man with a ponytail. | ||
| Yeah, you got some questionable life choices when you got a ponytail anyway. | ||
| It is a bear versus... | ||
| Oh my god, oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god, look at the size of this thing. | ||
| It gets intense here for a second of course. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| It doesn't even need this creepy music, like it's just intense. | ||
| That is a big killer, a big wild killer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Time to time, the cat whips its tail around, a sign that he views Mike as a potential danger. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Between being alone with that lion or that dude, I think I take my chances with the lion. | ||
| Oh my god, this is terrifying. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| Look at the size of its arms. | ||
| Just look at that thing. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's horrifying at the same time. | ||
| The idea of that thing looking at you, this 600 pound fucking monster that just kills things every day. | ||
| In Africa? | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ! | ||
| What second lion? | ||
| There's a second lion in the back. | ||
| Oh my god, there's a second lion! | ||
| Oh my god, this guy's alone with the two of them. | ||
| Why is this guy in Narnia? | ||
| Oh my god, he is fucking up here. | ||
| Yeah, this is where it gets fucked up crazy, right here. | ||
| That guy doesn't seem scared. | ||
| Is he just that cool? | ||
| He's stoned. | ||
| Yeah, they put him on meds. | ||
| He's on meds. | ||
| They just dropped him in a field. | ||
| They're like, good luck. | ||
| Here's a ball of paper. | ||
| Look at that thing, my god! | ||
| This is like a fucking werewolf movie. | ||
| Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is insane! | ||
| It's walking away. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then, that is it. | ||
| Oh my god, it walked away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ, that's terrifying. | |
| That is so terrifying. | ||
| So my paper theory is totally legit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Brian Redman's paper theory? | ||
| So if you're getting attacked by a tiger, get some paper, crinkle it in a ball, and then right before it attacks you, you're going to throw it. | ||
| Is it the big, the motion of it? | ||
| Like you're throwing something, and it's big and white, and they don't know what the fuck it is? | ||
| I don't think it was that paper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| I think it's just a hack into the brain of a cat or a feline that for some whatever reason, that crinkly noise, that ball, that what's in your hand type thing, it doesn't know what it is, so it just spazzes out like, what the fuck's on this hand? | ||
| We're so lucky cats are stupid as fuck. | ||
| We're so lucky the toilet paper distracts them. | ||
| Oh, that was scary. | ||
| That was one of those things. | ||
| I mean, even though it was shitty, blurry YouTube-style video, it was still absolutely terrifying. | ||
| There's got to be an HD version of that album. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's called Man vs. | ||
| Wild Pride, Male Lion, and it's off the Animal Planet. | ||
| So it's like an Animal Planet DVD that's available? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man vs. | ||
| what? | ||
| It says Man vs. | ||
| Wild Pride. | ||
| Man vs. | ||
| Wild Pride. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I want to know that guy's deal. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| What was going on with that dude? | ||
| He's another one of those dudes. | ||
| Those wild, I'm going to get close to animal dudes that have been popping up a lot lately. | ||
| We should really say rest in peace if he is dead because that looks like an old video and he's doing that kind of shit. | ||
| He's probably not even alive anymore. | ||
| He looked like he was on his last leg. | ||
| Regardless. | ||
| Yeah, like, I guess Steve Irwin sort of started that all off, you know, because he was, like, real wild with an animal, the crocodile hunter dude. | ||
| He would get, like, right up to him and, you know. | ||
| And what was the one with the black bear? | ||
| What was that movie? | ||
| Oh, Grizzly Man. | ||
| Grizzly. | ||
| Oh, that was so fucked up. | ||
| No, it was a brown bear. | ||
| It was? | ||
| Yeah, the brown bears are the big ones. | ||
| The black bears aren't that dangerous. | ||
| Black bears are, they don't really attack people as much or kill people as much. | ||
| It's the bigger bears are the brown bears. | ||
| Yeah, he was that nutty dude who lived in Alaska, and they said that he was essentially death by bear. | ||
| I mean, he suicided himself. | ||
| He wanted to do that. | ||
| It was suicide by bear. | ||
| He just stayed late. | ||
| He's not supposed to be there. | ||
| The bears that are awake are super dangerous because they can't kill anything, so they're not fat enough to hibernate, you know, and so they'll eat anything. | ||
| They eat babies. | ||
| They were eating babies. | ||
| Like, he caught them eating babies, and he still stuck around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That poor girl. | ||
| I always think about his girlfriend. | ||
| She died too, right? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| She died after she tried to help him. | ||
| Apparently the video is, there was a cap over the camera, but the audio is there of the whole event, and it's like six minutes long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| The movie only played like the very beginning of that, right? | ||
| No, they didn't play any of the audio of the attack. | ||
| In the movie, his ex-wife, or his ex-girlfriend, whatever it is, is listening to it. | ||
| She's listening to the audio, and she's the one who decides, her and Werner Herzog, the guy who's director, they decided not to release it. | ||
| But it's a long audio, too. | ||
| It's like, bears don't kill you. | ||
| They just eat you. | ||
| And eventually you die. | ||
| It's a completely different deal than a cat. | ||
| You're way better off getting killed by a cat. | ||
| Yeah, a cat's Cats kill you. | ||
| Well, they kill you. | ||
| The first thing they're going to do is grab ahold of your neck and they're going to kill you. | ||
| That's their instinct. | ||
| They're not worried about you. | ||
| Bears just hold you and start eating. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Was there any proof that the wife of that bear dude didn't have a penis, right? | ||
| Yes, she was a real woman. | ||
| It was sad. | ||
| Some women get just roped up with guys and they can't find a man, so they find some guy who doesn't want to believe that he's gay, so he's living in the woods with bears and shit. | ||
| He was a crazy, obviously gay guy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, like, as gay as he can get. | ||
| And I think, you know, for some dudes, the desire to stay in the closet is so strong, it leads them to be so fucking crazy. | ||
| They're willing to go live with grizzlies. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And he had this whole thing that he was protecting. | ||
| I'm protecting these bears. | ||
| Does the Forest Department want to help them? | ||
| No. | ||
| Does the Sheriff's Department want to help them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| The wildlife, you fuck you, you motherfuckers! | ||
| And he was like yelling and screaming at the camera and pointing at them and then he would like reconstitute himself, clean himself up, get back in and do it again and do like another take on it. | ||
| He should have just taken a dick once and lived his life. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| I think that would have certainly helped him. | ||
| I think he was... | ||
| And he had this crazy thing where he was like walking, holding the camera, talking about if he was just gay. | ||
| If I was just gay, it would be so easy. | ||
| Wait, did he really do? | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| You know, you go to a rest stop, but oh well... | ||
| I'm not gay. | ||
| Just gay for bears. | ||
| It was the most obvious I'm gay cry for help. | ||
| Yeah, it was really sad. | ||
| It is sad because it's fucked up that dudes get stuck in that closet situation, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a terrible place to be, to pretend your whole life to be one thing when really you could just say you're another and everybody will still love you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like you don't have to. | ||
| I know dudes that are in the closet today. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Tom Segura, Burke Chrysler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Easy, bro. | ||
| I thought we weren't going to talk about that on the air. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| Brian, you're such a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I knew it. | |
| I knew it. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Oh, we'll edit it. | ||
| I think we're doing it live on Ustream right now. | ||
| I know, but we'll edit it. | ||
| You fuckhead. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Bert and Tom fucking? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They don't really fuck. | ||
| They just start to fuck and they cum prematurely all over each other. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It never actually becomes Bert and Tom fucking. | ||
| They're so hot for each other and the idea of them fucking is so hot. | ||
| It's enough. | ||
| They never get it inside each other. | ||
| There's no penetration. | ||
| They just come close and they come... | ||
| They're trying to be less gay just so that they could have gay sex. | ||
| They're so gay that they can't even actually consummate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's not about that. | ||
| They just start twitching and coming all over themselves. | ||
| That's so great to think about. | ||
| I'm like picturing Bert's family like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| His family is totally down. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| Everybody's cool. | ||
| They are the coolest. | ||
| Yeah, but if you're Burt's kid, you gotta know what the fuck is up. | ||
| You gotta know there's some craziness in the world. | ||
| Those chicks run the house, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| They're ready for anything. | ||
| It's probably best for him to run the house. | ||
| Could you imagine if he ran the house? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Burt's crazy. | ||
| I could just picture those girls making him dress up for a tea party. | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm sure he does all that stuff. | ||
| The works. | ||
| You have to do all that stuff when you have kids. | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| He's another one of those dudes that I think the internet is perfect for. | ||
| You know, like people get to see the real Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Because you don't have to see his body? | ||
| No, when you get to hear him. | ||
| Like when he's on podcasts. | ||
| You know, you get the total... | ||
| You know, when he's not stuck on like... | ||
| If he's doing Letterman or something, he's always hilarious, but he's stuck to like seven minutes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't get to really know him. | ||
| You need the Bert experience. | ||
| You need a two-hour Bert Kreischer experience. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Amy Schumer, how long have you been doing comedy? | ||
| Seven and a half years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| You did that Charlie Sheen roast, and that's when I really... | ||
| That's when I found out about you. | ||
| I'd heard your name before. | ||
| People would say you're really funny. | ||
| I don't want to blow your head up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| Come on. | ||
| I'm in a bad place. | ||
| You know, when dudes would go... | ||
| You know, guys always... | ||
| Every now and then, someone will have this conversation when you see, like, a really funny chick. | ||
| You know, like, oh, there's another one. | ||
| See, because it's... | ||
| You know how it is with chick comedy. | ||
| You know, with chick comedy, there's, like... | ||
| I'd say... | ||
| And dudes, it's hard enough to do comedy to be a dude, but to be a woman, just to get over the societal boundary of you being the one talking, I think it's way more difficult for a woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's way more difficult for men, especially meatheads and insecure guys, to accept the fact that a woman's on stage talking. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then your subject matter is obviously going to be more... | ||
| I wouldn't say more restrictive, but it's more difficult for you to get out certain things, especially sexual stuff and certain things about judgments and politics because people are reluctant to take the opinion of a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| A lot of people are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| It's way harder, I think, for a chick to make it and be a stand-up. | ||
| So when you see a bad motherfucker come along, like yourself... | ||
| You know, I always get I'm always very impressed because I know that it's harder for a woman to do than a man. | ||
| And when I heard you on the Charlie Sheen roast, I was like, holy shit, this chick is fucking funny. | ||
| You had some really funny lines. | ||
| I was like, oh, shit. | ||
| You know, I generally like a lot of times roasts. | ||
| I go, oh, OK, you're just being mean. | ||
| You know, I get it. | ||
| You're being mean to each other. | ||
| And sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's just, whoa, this is like some weird, creepy shit that guy's been like storing about this dude. | ||
| Where is this coming from? | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| The way you did it was awesome. | ||
| And the fucking exchange you got in with Mike Tyson. | ||
| Can we play that? | ||
| Can we play that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We gotta play that if we can. | ||
| If we can find it, if Brian can find it, he'll put it up. | ||
| Because it was so funny. | ||
| Mike Tyson was trying to go back and forth with you, and you just handled him. | ||
| You handled Mike Tyson the way Mike Tyson used to beat up boxers. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| That was like, when I watched that, that was like in retrospect, I was like, Jesus! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| I was like, did that just happen? | ||
| Like, I just like... | ||
| You just manhandled Mike Tyson in a verbal... | ||
| I think I'm just in the white girl bubble enough still to be like, he won't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He won't. | |
| He's not going to come over here. | ||
| I'm going to be up. | ||
| But it was like, afterwards, I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, you shouldn't assume that he could take a joke. | ||
| I mean, he's a way calmer version of Mike Tyson than he was back in his fighting days. | ||
| But he's a scary guy. | ||
| It was still like, yeah, there were some uncomfortable moments still where he'd pretend to be like he was going to hit someone. | ||
| You're like, that's not funny to anybody. | ||
| Well, they'll laugh at it. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| If he fakes punches at people, people will laugh just out of uncomfort. | ||
| Yeah, no one's going to be like, you know what, Michael? | ||
| That makes me uncomfortable. | ||
| You're crossing a line, Michael. | ||
| You used to be a professional fighter. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'd like to talk about my boundaries. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| Yeah, you just have to be like, oh, that was awesome. | ||
| I'm going to leave a couple minutes early. | ||
| Yeah, you just got to let him grab your dick. | ||
| Yeah, he grabbed my dick the whole night. | ||
| You gotta let him. | ||
| As long as he's not squeezing it. | ||
| No. | ||
| When he's squeezing it, then you might want to call the cops. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| But that was afterwards. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe that just happened. | ||
| But he did a great job. | ||
| I think he did even better than what they made it look like. | ||
| The writers were all kind of sweating if he was going to be able to deliver. | ||
| But I thought he nailed it. | ||
| Yeah, well, what did you think that he was going to be able to do? | ||
| You just thought? | ||
| Well, I didn't know. | ||
| The writers who had been working with him were kind of like, oh, we hope. | ||
| He was like the wild card. | ||
| Like, he might just bug out and, like, say, be completely incoherent. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because they had, like, a concept for him that he was going to speak really intelligently and spout poetry and, you know. | ||
| But he did a great job. | ||
| Well, he was like a weird sort of kind of almost like a ghetto philosopher when he was a young guy because he would mess up words and stuff, but he would quote you all sorts of crazy things. | ||
| He's a scholar on boxing history. | ||
| And when he was a young guy, he wasn't an inarticulate guy. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how much has changed, but there's an inevitable decline in your ability to function after getting punched in the head that many times. | ||
| After somebody's beating you in the head. | ||
| Yeah, it's inevitable. | ||
| There's a certain amount. | ||
| And no one wants to admit that or accept that, but that is a fact. | ||
| Yeah, I kind of, to be totally honest, I felt the only sort of remorse I felt that night was for him. | ||
| Because it was like, he's for sure brain damaged. | ||
| And it felt like, you know. | ||
| I think you fucking had to do what you had to do, girl. | ||
| No, yeah, I don't regret it. | ||
| You were in the pen with crocodiles and you poked them in the eyes and ran. | ||
| They didn't see me coming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you found it, Brian? | ||
| They're all a bunch of fake ones. | ||
| Brian's just Googling himself. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, like it's just like screenshots and stuff. | ||
| Oh, has it been copyrighted or something? | ||
| Yeah, Comedy Central's on it. | ||
| It's probably on Comedy Central's website. | ||
| Yeah, why would you want to have a bunch of people watch it and see how funny those roasts are? | ||
| Yeah, pull those clips down, you fucks. | ||
| Get them down, you guys. | ||
| So you can advertise Axe Body Spray. | ||
| Get them on your site. | ||
| Is it because they want to sell more DVDs? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, they want you to subscribe, film the cable and stuff. | ||
| But they probably have them somewhere on their website deep under commercials. | ||
| It's so archaic, that way of thinking. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| They don't understand that the more people that would watch those videos, the more people would watch those roasts. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| If a hundred million people watch the video and they're like, oh my god, this is awesome, and then another roast is coming on, boom, they're going to want to watch it. | ||
| It's this weird thinking that you don't want anything good to be available for free online. | ||
| You fucking silly assholes. | ||
| How much do you spend in advertising to have fucking Tide commercials all over sitcoms, and yet they're not willing to let things be free online? | ||
| Do you not understand that's the same thing? | ||
| And this one you don't have to pay for? | ||
| You crazy assholes. | ||
| Here is a clip of it. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Girls were just making out with each other. | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| It's you having the other podcast going on in the background. | ||
| That was Sam Tripoli's voice. | ||
| That hurts everybody's feelings. | ||
| No, it's every week it's happened. | ||
| It's impossible for him to not do this. | ||
| Brian, just be where you are. | ||
| Fucked up. | ||
| Everything's wonky, no matter what. | ||
| Brian, be here with us. | ||
| Every audio clip, it's part of the charm of the show. | ||
| You gotta accept it. | ||
| It's perfection and it's imperfection. | ||
| There you are. | ||
| Hey, look at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what a sweetheart. | |
| Nice dress. | ||
| What a sweet lady. | ||
| One of the waitresses of the cellar made that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, wow, that's cool. | ||
| She's a dressmaker? | ||
| No, I'm asking. | ||
| I couldn't understand a fucking word he said. | ||
| Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying. | ||
| Every time you speak, do you give yourself an erection? | ||
| I like the answer sometimes. | ||
| Hey, Mike, here's something you'll never hear. | ||
| Great tattoo! | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Men don't know whether to be scared of it or finish on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that face. | |
| It's so dark and wrinkly and constantly getting pounded. | ||
| It's like Patrice's grandmother's asshole after a gospel brunch. | ||
| I'm just assuming she raised you. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Patrice's face. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Does that make you feel bad now that Patrice is dead? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, he was proud of me. | ||
| He was my good friend. | ||
| I love Patrice. | ||
| That was hilarious. | ||
| I wanted him to think I did a good job, and I know he did. | ||
| We hung out at the after party, and I was like, he was proud of me. | ||
| Oh, you know you did a good job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You killed it. | |
| Yeah, but I wanted Patrice. | ||
| You know, like, it doesn't matter with whatever. | ||
| Patrice, when I heard he was going to be on the dais, I was like, oh, shit. | ||
| That kicked me into the next gear. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's one of my favorite comics. | ||
| I was like, shit, I can't phone in even a second. | ||
| He'll be like, he'll call bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, he'll call bullshit on everything and anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was fun. | ||
| He was fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just... | ||
| But no, I didn't feel bad about anything. | ||
| About anything. | ||
| But that fucking launched you, right? | ||
| That Comedy Central thing? | ||
| I get recognized at airports and I got a corporate gig. | ||
| You must be getting a lot more stand-up work now, no? | ||
| I'm getting more on the road. | ||
| I probably make maybe twice what I was making on the road before. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| One video. | ||
| Isn't it amazing? | ||
| It still doesn't seem worth it. | ||
| No? | ||
| Not the roast, but just being on the road. | ||
| You don't like it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, you know what you gotta do? | ||
| Yeah, you bring your friends. | ||
| That's what I'm doing now. | ||
| Yeah, I bring Ari Shafir or Joey Diaz or everybody. | ||
| Well, that sounds terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But my friends, I'm just kidding. | |
| I love Ari. | ||
| Yeah, no, it makes such a difference. | ||
| Oh, it's a night and day. | ||
| It goes from being a chore to being a great car. | ||
| Like fun, but what I also realized, I've always stayed in the shittiest hotels, you know? | ||
| But now, now staying in a nice hotel, the road is a whole different experience. | ||
| It was like you didn't want to touch the sheets. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I'd be paired with some assholes that thought they should be headlining. | ||
| The comedy condo. | ||
| I'd just say no to condos. | ||
| Like, that's the only time I use that I'm a girl on the road. | ||
| They had you paired in hotel rooms? | ||
| I've seen comedy condos. | ||
| Not hotel rooms, but in comedy condos where they don't have doors on the rooms with dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I put in my time on the road. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Nobody can say I didn't. | ||
| Those are dark days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you ever do La Jolla comedy store? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's the darkest condo on the earth. | ||
| I've heard of that condo. | ||
| More uncomfortable post-coital moments have occurred. | ||
| You walk in, you feel the uncomfort of road stank. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know, of road hacks and whatever poor lonely fuck allows those road hacks to stick their dick inside of them. | ||
| Crabs' nest. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Never again. | ||
| I can say, never again. | ||
| No comedy condos. | ||
| That's the darkest comedy condo. | ||
| But yeah, I bring my friend with me now. | ||
| The next one is Phoenix. | ||
| Phoenix was a dark one too. | ||
| The Tempe Improv. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That was Joey Diaz's haunt. | ||
| Back in the dark days of Joey Diaz, he would pull the fucking shades closed. | ||
| You wouldn't even hear him. | ||
| You couldn't call him. | ||
| He wouldn't answer his pager. | ||
| There was nothing going on with Joey Diaz for hours. | ||
| He'd come out to do a show looking like a vampire. | ||
| Looking like Bela Lugosi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I've been furious. | ||
| I've been in condos where I heard the feature act getting fucked and I was laying there. | ||
| You were getting fucked and you were sleeping? | ||
| No, I was like trying to sleep. | ||
| Oh, you heard him. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I was like reading some sad book. | ||
| You heard him getting fucked while you were getting... | ||
| A guy or a girl? | ||
| Guy. | ||
| A guy was fucking a guy? | ||
| They never paired two girls together. | ||
| Or he was fucking a girl? | ||
| The feature was fucking like a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| One of the waitresses to be specific. | ||
| Were they allowed? | ||
| Oh, I think he said, were they allowed? | ||
| I was like, yeah, I gave them my blessing. | ||
| Enjoy, you guys. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| Hey, did you guys like my new opener? | ||
| Oh, never mind. | ||
| Yeah, it was awful. | ||
| Was it loud? | ||
| It was loud. | ||
| I felt like it was his way of saying, like, I'm the headliner. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| You felt like that? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I mean, that could have all been. | ||
| Women are so funny. | ||
| Like, even just a guy getting laid will be like a message. | ||
| I felt like he was sending me a message. | ||
| I couldn't imagine. | ||
| He was just trying to get laid. | ||
| Why would you assume that the thing that men want more than anything else in life is to get laid? | ||
| Why would you assume that him getting laid would be anything other than him getting laid? | ||
| I think male comics egos are bigger than, like, their cocks for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| So I think it would be more like... | ||
| And this waitress, no one under any circumstances would have wanted to bang this girl. | ||
| I think it would be more like, hey, I'm being loud because I want you to know that if you want to join us, you can. | ||
| Could be a little of that. | ||
| Second of all, you say that, but the guy was fucking her. | ||
| And I'm sure he wasn't the first. | ||
| No, she was not a virgin. | ||
| Yeah, even though you would say a girl's not really pretty, just willing. | ||
| For a lot of guys, it's better than masturbation. | ||
| We're pathetic. | ||
| Pathetic creatures. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You don't understand what it's like to have a dick. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| You know, talk to Chaz Bono, because she's starting to make sense now. | ||
| Give that lady a ring. | ||
| They've been shooting her up with testosterone. | ||
| She's totally making sense these days. | ||
| Yeah, she can, like, really talk about that shit now. | ||
| It's fascinating because she really has gone from both extremes, or he now. | ||
| Talking about what's annoying and then the sexual urges that come on because of testosterone. | ||
| Men go blank. | ||
| They get sad. | ||
| They don't know what's going on. | ||
| But I don't know, like I've dated guys and I've been the one in a couple relationships where I was always initiating sex. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| You know, I feel like, I feel super charged on my own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't have a dick, so I'm not like, it's not brushing up against stuff by accident. | ||
| I'm getting psyched. | ||
| But I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I feel driven by sex too. | ||
| You think you're driven by success, like to get sex? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no. | ||
| I'm not driven by success. | ||
| I feel sexually driven a lot of the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What I was saying is that if a guy is getting laid, most likely he's just getting laid. | ||
| Like Occam's razor. | ||
| But you would think that they were trying to send a message to you? | ||
| I'm not that much of a narcissist. | ||
| He's saying, I'm the headliner. | ||
| I think he was being loud. | ||
| Everything he did that weekend was really annoying. | ||
| He was trying to... | ||
| He would, like, take his coffee on stage and do a lot of crowd work. | ||
| And then he'd be like, stick around, you're going to enjoy Amy. | ||
| Like, it was, like, so annoying that I, I don't know. | ||
| I thought that was an extension of it. | ||
| What is wrong with those things? | ||
| Doing a lot of crowd work? | ||
| Like, when you're not the headliner? | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| I thought you said he was the headliner. | ||
| No, I was the headliner. | ||
| Oh, I was confused. | ||
| Because I thought you were saying, by him being loud, it was his way of saying, I'm the headliner? | ||
| No, like, he was saying, like, I should be headlining. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| I feel like he was, like, trying to outplay. | ||
| Total miscommunication. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Yeah, oh, I would see that. | ||
| I could totally see how like middle acts would have a real hard time. | ||
| Yeah, no, I was there headlining and he was all weekend trying to assert himself like in the green room changing the channel and shit. | ||
| Okay, that totally makes sense. | ||
| I was like, I don't have the energy. | ||
| That totally makes sense. | ||
| I'm just like, you know, you're just like trying to feel good and be positive and whatever on the road. | ||
| So he would like try to put on the TV what he wanted to watch like when you were watching something else? | ||
| Yeah, he'd be like, some baseball game. | ||
| I was just like, oof. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, and I don't want to get into an ego battle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I fucking will. | |
| Dudes don't like working for women, that's for sure. | ||
| Especially egocentric comedians. | ||
| I try to be sensitive to that shit, though. | ||
| I just want to be treated like you would treat. | ||
| But I definitely get treated differently expectation-wise on the road. | ||
| Because I'm a girl, they'll think there's some expectation. | ||
| Not necessarily that I'm going to hook up with them, but that I'm a girl, so they'll come in the green room. | ||
| This past weekend, this guy was talking to me, just letting me know, like, hi, I'm from here. | ||
| And I was like, mm-hmm. | ||
| Would you do that to a tell? | ||
| Would you come in the green room and try and... | ||
| Paint your picture and give me your bio. | ||
| How is he doing this? | ||
| So you feel like when a guy does this, he doesn't respect you as much as you would a male comic? | ||
| I would like to be treated like a comic. | ||
| Like you would treat the headlining comic while I'm on the road. | ||
| But they treat me like a girl. | ||
| And guys are confused how they usually are with chicks. | ||
| That's how they treat me. | ||
| But I think I should first be treated like the headliner that weekend. | ||
| Just speaking to me like I'm working with you rather than throwing me any shit. | ||
| And you're not even trying to dominate them. | ||
| You just don't want them trying to dominate you. | ||
| You don't want them just getting weird with you. | ||
| Yeah, I just want them to treat me like normally and like they would treat any comedian. | ||
| Because there's some comics that won't even share a green room with the middle and the opening act. | ||
| It might get to that point just because of how much bullshit... | ||
| We've had problems in the past with guys that we didn't know. | ||
| When we did that Maxim comedy tour, I remember we kicked that guy out in Boston. | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| Just super douchey. | ||
| Talking shit about everybody while they were on stage. | ||
| Talking shit about me. | ||
| Got really, really drunk. | ||
| He was just a creepy asshole. | ||
| And he was, you know, what we did, we had like, I don't remember what town was it. | ||
| I'm saying Boston, but it might not have been Boston. | ||
| Seems like it would be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It adds up. | ||
| It might not have been, though. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Because I don't remember the guy's name. | ||
| But it was one of those things where in each town they had a different opener. | ||
| A local guy would come up. | ||
| And most of them were fucking really good. | ||
| Tom Segura was hilarious. | ||
| That's where I met Tom. | ||
| Yeah, he's awesome. | ||
| He opened up in Phoenix. | ||
| Anyway, this dude just got hammered. | ||
| And I said to Brian, I think I said to you, I said, this is the last time I'm going to work with someone I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| It's too much of a gamble. | ||
| Bring two friends. | ||
| I'm not rolling like that. | ||
| I can't pay for two people's hotel rooms. | ||
| But it's like... | ||
| The club, you know, you can work out deals with clubs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially... | ||
| Amy, you need a goddamn podcast. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| This is the number one promotional tool for a stand-up comic because they're really going to get to know you. | ||
| How else, besides this kind of format, how the fuck else does anybody get to totally get to know you? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I think I just want people to get to know me that I want to get to know me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| But what about your stand-up? | ||
| My stand-up is becoming more and more me, but it's just sort of an amplified version that whatever truth I want to get out there. | ||
| So, no, I mean, that's not true. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| But you do TV shows and stuff, right? | ||
| Yeah, no, I do. | ||
| And that's sort of to promote the comedy as well, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But in terms of people really knowing me and my personal shit, No, they don't have to know your personal shit. | ||
| You reveal what you want to be. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Yes, I get what you're saying. | ||
| Weird National Enquirer type shit. | ||
| Get into your personal life. | ||
| Or if you're one of those weird people that offers up every little single detail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I understand what you were saying. | ||
| Yeah, that would make sense. | ||
| I feel really intimidated by all this technology shit here. | ||
| I don't even know how I would... | ||
| The first step of starting a podcast. | ||
| You just talked to that guy. | ||
| I don't want to ever see Brian again. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| Are you living in New York City? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How often are you in L.A.? Almost never. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You need to move to LA. Are you going to move out here? | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| 75 degrees. | ||
| 75 degrees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| You can have space, a yard. | ||
| You want a yard and dogs and puppies? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| If I had a dude that I loved and we had a rabbit farm. | ||
| I'm hearing Blue Bayou by Olivia Newton-John or Linda Ronstadt, whatever. | ||
| That's what I'm hearing in the background while you're telling me that. | ||
| I don't know those songs, but that sounds good. | ||
| You don't know Linda Ronstadt? | ||
| No, I know Linda Ronstadt. | ||
| No, I don't know Blue Bayou. | ||
| Beautiful song. | ||
| Well, yeah, I would live here if I had a fam. | ||
| Go find Linda Ronstadt, Blue Bayou for her. | ||
| Because I want to hear this story. | ||
| I want to hear... | ||
| You're going to belittle my dreams right now? | ||
| No, I'm not going to belittle your dreams. | ||
| I just want a little background music to your dreams. | ||
| This is so cold-blooded. | ||
| Do you have it, Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just hit it real quick. | ||
| And I want you to tell me. | ||
| You're a horrible person. | ||
| I want you to tell me what the right relationship would be that would make you want to make me. | ||
| Brian, don't fuck with it, man. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Brian, please don't fuck with my dreams right now. | ||
| This is a beautiful voice. | ||
| But it's a little sad. | ||
| Since I left my baby behind. | ||
| Oh, I know this song. | ||
| It's so sad. | ||
| It's very sad. | ||
| So tell me. | ||
| I just want a guy who listens and has a huge rod. | ||
| Knows when to tell me to shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when to tell me that my mom's a cunt. | ||
| So far, I like what you're saying. | ||
| Can you get that camera out of my face? | ||
| Are you insane? | ||
| Brian, fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is so sad. | |
| This is so sad. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Wait, I thought it was like Blue Bayou. | ||
| Blue Bayou, like a bayou. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay, okay, okay. | |
| I thought you were saying Blue Bayou. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to do this anymore. | ||
| You want to do this anymore? | ||
| Yeah, it's dark. | ||
| It's dark. | ||
| That is so sad. | ||
| What's the longest time you've ever stayed in Los Angeles? | ||
| A couple months. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I like coming out here for a couple months if I'm working on something. | ||
| Do you find that it's because your friends are all back east? | ||
| All my friends moved here. | ||
| Oh, they did? | ||
| I don't have any friends in New York. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Get the fuck out of New York. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Well, I have like two friends, but that's enough. | ||
| What is it that you love so much about New York? | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Okay, I think... | ||
| The pizza pies. | ||
| Is that what I sound like, Brian? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| It doesn't fucking sound anything like her. | ||
| You might be the worst impressionist to ever walk the face of the earth. | ||
| He's all psyched from Will's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The pizza pies. | |
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| Let me... | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you. | ||
| I'm the next Frank Caliendo. | ||
| Listen to my Amy Schumer. | ||
| It's fucking on point. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's like hearing myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I... Excuse me, Brian. | |
| Don't mock her. | ||
| Our wonderful and talented guest, just because she's clearly too much for you to handle. | ||
| At the beginning of the show, she was making you a better person. | ||
| You've gone through a full relationship cycle, and now you've become the bitter guy at the end of every relationship that mocks his girlfriend as she's packing her shit. | ||
| I just don't get New York. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I just don't get... | ||
| You know that moment? | ||
| That seems scary to me. | ||
| That moment in a relationship where you're packing up and he's mocking you. | ||
| He's saying mocking shit. | ||
| I haven't had that. | ||
| I would flip the fuck out. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, this is happening right now. | ||
| This is that moment. | ||
| You've gone a full relationship cycle in the course of your show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brian's like, oh, okay. | ||
| You're leaving? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He's like, yeah, well, I just have a fucking problem with people like New York. | ||
| You know, it's all in the beginning. | ||
| When he first met you, if you were like, I really love New York. | ||
| I thought I'm moving there. | ||
| New York's pretty amazing. | ||
| Times Square, how do you fuck with that? | ||
| Now he's like totally over me. | ||
| He's like, fuck New York. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| You guys have gone through a full relationship cycle. | ||
| Brian, god damn it. | ||
| Let the girl like New York, bro. | ||
| I don't see why you're so creepy about that. | ||
| Yeah, like I like it there. | ||
| You know, because I feel like people in LA, a lot of them are playing at an identity. | ||
| Whereas people in New York, like if there's like an old, rich, mean Jewish chick on the Upper East Side, like that's really who she is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| People here are like buying an outfit and they're like, This is, like, you know, not everybody. | ||
| My best friends live out here, and they're not like that, but... | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| The vast majority of people that you encounter, the higher percentage of them are more fucked up out here. | ||
| They're delusional. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm like angry going into any restaurant. | ||
| Like, everyone's looking around and everybody... | ||
| It's just a totally different vibe. | ||
| It's... | ||
| I don't think it's all of the people. | ||
| It's just like, you know, when I say about cops, like, most cops are cool as fuck. | ||
| The cops that I run into, most cops are good guys that are, you know, working a really tough job. | ||
| But there's a certain percentage, whatever it is, 1 or 2%, 10%, you make the number up, where they're just fucking cunts. | ||
| They're just cunts. | ||
| But they would be cunts if they were construction workers. | ||
| They would be cunts if they worked at the grocery store. | ||
| They're just shitty human beings. | ||
| But don't you think the percentage for L.A. is... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, it's because of the fact that this is a magnet for people that want showbiz fame. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I mean, you know how many people that come here with a... | ||
| Not a real dream, but like, oh, I wish. | ||
| You know, and it's like they don't do anything about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they came here initially to become famous. | ||
| You'll meet them at flower stores. | ||
| You'll meet them in... | ||
| There's weird people. | ||
| That makes me sick. | ||
| Like, I don't like those people. | ||
| And I have like a weird... | ||
| What I want from this stuff is... | ||
| I'm confused by it because getting recognized and all that stuff is not... | ||
| I haven't experienced it as being fun. | ||
| I've gotten upgraded sometimes. | ||
| There's perks, but I like anonymity. | ||
| In New York, no one gives a shit if you are the most famous person. | ||
| I feel like you can ride around the subway and people generally leave you alone. | ||
| Because nobody gives a shit there. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just like it more there. | ||
| So you think people give a shit there less than they give a shit here? | ||
| I do. | ||
| So that's what you want? | ||
| More people who just don't give a shit about being famous? | ||
| Yeah, or about seeing someone famous. | ||
| And it's weird because it's like I want to reach as many people as I can. | ||
| Like that's the goal, but I don't like... | ||
| I don't like... | ||
| Right, I see what you're saying. | ||
| But you're gonna get that anywhere. | ||
| You're gonna get that in New York City. | ||
| You're gonna get that anywhere. | ||
| It feels like home. | ||
| I hear what you're saying. | ||
| Well, if you've lived there for a long time... | ||
| The one thing that I definitely got when I first came here... | ||
| I was gonna totally move back to New York after my first sitcom was cancelled. | ||
| Because I didn't like the vibe out here at all. | ||
| It was my first time ever working with actors, ever, in my whole life. | ||
| I did this really bad sitcom on Fox called Hardball. | ||
| It was written by these two guys that were brilliant writers. | ||
| They worked for The Simpsons and married with children. | ||
| But then Fox got a hold of their sitcom and just fucked it. | ||
| Just stuck cocks in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just fucking came all over its face. | |
| Shut up! | ||
| Fucked its eye sockets. | ||
| Straightened its asshole. | ||
| Fucked its ears. | ||
| It was like when the brilliant vision that they had. | ||
| Jeff Martin and Kevin Kern were the guys. | ||
| The brilliant vision that they had became just this thing that had been fucked to death. | ||
| It was covered in cum like a glazed donut. | ||
| Just fucking sodomized. | ||
| I always tell everybody this because no one can believe how bad it was. | ||
| These guys, first of all, the guys who originally wrote it were really funny. | ||
| They were really funny guys. | ||
| And the pilot was funny. | ||
| It could have been funny. | ||
| It could have been a decent show. | ||
| But when they gave it to some guy who used to work on Coach, and he was like, you know, one of those, and then I said, this, what? | ||
| You know? | ||
| You know, those fucking robot shows where it's like you could just probe it into a computer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Written by a computer, yeah. | |
| Yeah, and it would be real easy to make that show. | ||
| And one of the lines was, I was on a desk with this girl, and we're about to have sex. | ||
| And the coach opens up the door, and I go, do you mind? | ||
| And he goes, yes, I mind, but... | ||
| No. | ||
| That's my desk you're attempting to defile. | ||
| Yeah, that's what he says. | ||
| And I say, I'm not defiling the desk, I'm defiling her. | ||
| That was actually a line. | ||
| And they were like, approved! | ||
| That was like, yes! | ||
| Done! | ||
| Moving on to the next line. | ||
| We actually said that with the cameras on. | ||
| That's how bad the show had gotten. | ||
| It was death. | ||
| So I was ready to pack up, but I fucked up and got a lease. | ||
| Because I thought the sitcom was going to go. | ||
| So I had a lease for a year. | ||
| And I still had a department in New York, but I was like, what the fuck am I going to do now? | ||
| Do I just leave this spot out here? | ||
| And then I wound up doing another sitcom afterwards. | ||
| But I was ready to go. | ||
| And my thing was just dealing with actors. | ||
| It was just dealing with the... | ||
| I like New York actors. | ||
| I really like New York actors. | ||
| Well, all of them, though, you know, I mean, I'm sure if you... | ||
| It's like cops and everything else. | ||
| Most actors, I think, are fine. | ||
| But it might be like 30% of them that you just fucking can't communicate with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I've found that it was the same, essentially, in New York as it was in L.A. It just feels so intense out here. | ||
| Well, they're hitting the hive. | ||
| The way girls dress for auditions is different. | ||
| Like, I always look like shit. | ||
| I look like newly homeless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I walk in the room. | ||
| They are looking at me like, is she here to park cars? | ||
| And they're all perfectly flawless. | ||
| They dress cool. | ||
| And I get to be a non-threatening girl they all talk to in the waiting room. | ||
| But in New York, I look like the other chicks. | ||
| Non-threatening girl that they all talk to. | ||
| Everyone asks me questions. | ||
| Do you know where the bathroom is? | ||
| I think they think I'm working. | ||
| The level of like kept beauty up here is very, very high. | ||
| Like when you go to nice places and you see girls and they'll have perfect toes and expensive shoes and expensive bags. | ||
| Yeah, they look famous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful clothes. | |
| There's like a glow around them. | ||
| There's a lot of girls in LA that are hot as fuck that look like that. | ||
| And that's one of the things about the commodity of like, you know, if all you're selling is what you look like, Good fucking luck. | ||
| Good luck out here. | ||
| Because guess what? | ||
| And we age. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got 10 years. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Go! | ||
| The clock is ticking, sweetheart. | ||
| You better meet that guy. | ||
| That's why it's the darkest moments. | ||
| Have you frozen your eggs yet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Have you frozen your eggs yet? | ||
| Yeah, my eggs are frozen. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Not all of them. | ||
| You gotta save a few. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For live rounds. | ||
| Oh, it's too late. | ||
| I'll thaw them out. | ||
| The idea is that in case you wait too long and then your box is dry, this way you'll have a few. | ||
| You can't just lube up your eggs? | ||
| No, there's no eggs left. | ||
| They all fall out. | ||
| Oh, they fall out of your body. | ||
| So you gotta suck them out early and freeze them. | ||
| Hold on, let me write this down, you guys. | ||
| Reproductive advice from Joe and Bride. | ||
| Technical terms, like suck out those eggs. | ||
| Suck out the eggs. | ||
| Do you know girls out here actually store their body fat also to be used later as injections in their face? | ||
| Does that look good? | ||
| No! | ||
| Why doesn't everybody stop doing that? | ||
| Don't do anything with your lips ever. | ||
| It's unfortunate that someone tricked girls into fucking with their lips the same way they did with their tits because the tits worked. | ||
| Because guys really don't care. | ||
| When a girl has fake tits, they're like, yeah. | ||
| Even though we know that there's like a bag of water under the skin that's making them pop out like that, we're so fucking stupid that any movement and change in the direction of your teeth, you're like, yeah, I like this shape better. | ||
| It's like an Egyptian hieroglyph thing. | ||
| It's like, for whatever it is, it's the shape of the woman's body. | ||
| Even though you know it's horseshit, but that is out the door with the lips. | ||
| When it comes to the lips, though, we don't like that. | ||
| You can't apply the same principles to tits as you can to lips. | ||
| And that's what they tried to do. | ||
| They tried to make the lips crazy and puffed up, thinking everybody's just going to go with it the way they go with tits. | ||
| But they didn't. | ||
| They went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| This is lips. | ||
| You can't do lips the way you do tits. | ||
| You can do tits all crazy and outrageous and guys like, hey, what's up, ladies? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| But you get all fish face on dudes and they get creeped out. | ||
| There's something about the lips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw a chick at the gym the other day. | ||
| She was blow-drying her hair. | ||
| She was like, not elderly, but she was getting up there. | ||
| And she clearly had implants and they were, they had just like, you know, the elasticity of her skin wasn't holding up. | ||
| So the implants had kind of fallen. | ||
| So her nipples were up top and her... | ||
| Like rocks in a sock. | ||
| I was just, I couldn't stop looking. | ||
| I was just like, and she was just blow-drying her hair like naked. | ||
| Oh, snap. | ||
| Maybe it was her way of warning. | ||
| Maybe there's girls who just like to take on rugged lesbians. | ||
| And it's like a fad. | ||
| And the only way to find them is you just gotta let those rocks hang out in the bathroom. | ||
| Yeah, just a girl who just looks like she's had a hard life and fucking... | ||
| You know, that's like a... | ||
| God, there's fetishes. | ||
| People are into weird shit. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Maybe there's some lesbians that are only into running into girls that have had hard lives. | ||
| And so they're like, you know, their tits are all hanging out fucked up. | ||
| Scars and shit. | ||
| And they look at you like, what's up? | ||
| And the next thing you know, you're eating box in the handicapped stall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're eating somebody's pussy with no arms? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's not no arms, but like horrible implants. | ||
| Like rock implants. | ||
| I just, I don't know. | ||
| I wouldn't want anything fake on anybody. | ||
| Yeah, it is a weird thing that that not just became accepted, but fucking shot up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I've seen girls that have got them, like they had babies and then their boobies got all dehydrated. | ||
| You know, they like became pancake boobies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they got their breast implants and they felt better. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, whatever. | ||
| No judgments. | ||
| It does make it look better. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It doesn't seem like it should make sense. | ||
| But it totally works. | ||
| It's a trick. | ||
| It's like the dumbest magic trick of all time. | ||
| It's a mirage. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| What's under my shirt? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I know what's under there. | ||
| It's a bag of water, you asshole. | ||
| It's a bag of water. | ||
| But meanwhile, I'm like, oh, I look like big real titties. | ||
| Because big real titties to a man, the shape of it that is on a mud flap gets our testicles to tingle. | ||
| It doesn't have to be actually real. | ||
| It's like a symbol. | ||
| It's so iconic in the man's mind. | ||
| This is the man's mind. | ||
| This isn't just your mind? | ||
| Like from talking to people like guys feel like this? | ||
| By the way, first of all, there's no way I could know if it's in everybody's mind. | ||
| But it sounds like you talk to other people about it. | ||
| Yeah, for dudes. | ||
| Well, I think that's why fake tits work. | ||
| That's why, I mean, that shape, the hourglass shape of a woman. | ||
| There's a reason why that is like an iconic shape, the hourglass shape. | ||
| Whereas like for a man, I mean, women like guys with nice bodies, but there's no like shape that you could like put up that represents a man's body to a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think every woman really has a different taste in men's bodies, but I think for dudes, it's pretty much all. | ||
| It's that classic hourglass, big tits shape that's on the back. | ||
| Some guys like waifs, though. | ||
| Those guys are broken. | ||
| They're broken. | ||
| They have broken balls, or one of them doesn't work right. | ||
| Well, of course, I want to hear that, of course. | ||
| The chick that's on Sports Illustrated, I love her body. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Is that Kate Upton? | ||
| Kate Upton is a hero on our message board. | ||
| I'm psyched. | ||
| She has a body. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| Whenever there's a thread on the message board for one of our podcasts, if the podcast goes astray and the subject of the podcast becomes something that they're not interested in at all, they just start posting Kate Upton pictures. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| It's all Kate Upton. | ||
| It's hilarious, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's really funny. | |
| It's really funny. | ||
| So if a guest says something stupid or they don't want to listen to them anymore, it just becomes a Kate Upton photo festival. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just Kate Upton time. | |
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| She is. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| And she has like a, you know, she's not like shaped like a boy. | ||
| Yeah, she's got meat. | ||
| I don't like skinny girls. | ||
| I mean, I like them. | ||
| We can be friends. | ||
| But I'm saying, you know, I don't find that attractive. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Everybody's different. | ||
| Some chicks like black guys. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Right? | ||
| A lot of black guys like fat white girls. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| A lot of white guys like Chinese girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| Everybody's allowed to, you're allowed to like your waifs. | ||
| Like whatever you want. | ||
| I saw something today that reminded me of one thing I definitely don't like, and that's flat asses. | ||
| Flat man asses. | ||
| Would you see what I think you saw? | ||
| I saw somebody stalking something at a store that I was at, and I was like, I just sat there and saw her butt. | ||
| You wore like a linens and things. | ||
| It was like an elderly woman. | ||
| Did you see someone who was on their balcony who was naked who paparazzi took photographs of? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, because that's Ariane from the UFC. Paparazzi took photographs of her. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they were on her balcony. | ||
| She was on her balcony naked. | ||
| And they were like, you know, from a long way away with a high-powered lens. | ||
| And they took pictures of her naked and put them all over the internet. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What made you... | ||
| Why? | ||
| How did that come up? | ||
| Because some guys were saying that she had... | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Her buttocks were less than impressive. | ||
| She's a beautiful girl. | ||
| But, you know, look, guys have to realize there's a big difference between what a girl's ass normally looks like and a girl's ass looks like when she's posing for photos. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When chicks are just walking around like dudes, like naked, they don't even know that people are watching. | ||
| You know, they don't... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think your ass is your ass. | ||
| Pucker their ass out. | ||
| Her ass is fine. | ||
| This was actually, imagine a 12-year-old boy's ass. | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| Talk slower. | ||
| Talk slower. | ||
| This person that was stalking something at the store was at. | ||
| I just had to sit there and stare at me. | ||
| What store? | ||
| Listen to what you just said. | ||
| This person that was stalking something at the store. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I thought it was a young boy stalking it. | ||
| That's how bad her ass was. | ||
| And that's why you looked at her ass? | ||
| So I sat there and just kept on staring at it. | ||
| There was no ass at all. | ||
| Who were you talking about? | ||
| Just a woman, random woman? | ||
| Man, she's just trying to bring you your latte. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| Who are you talking about? | ||
| This chick at Starbucks. | ||
| No, he's talking about someone who's in the audience. | ||
| Someone who's buying something at Starbucks. | ||
| No, I'm talking about an employee stalking something. | ||
| An employee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, Jesus, Brian. | ||
| I've said it four times. | ||
| No, you said stalking. | ||
| I thought you said stalking. | ||
| You knew what I meant. | ||
| I didn't know you meant stalking items like on a shelf. | ||
| I'm like, what is he talking about? | ||
| The employee was stalking someone? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And you're watching him stalk them and they have a flat ass? | ||
| What kind of crazy conversation is this? | ||
| There's no excuse. | ||
| It was like one of those Spanish things where, you know, you say the wrong word and they want to shoot you. | ||
| No, no bueno. | ||
| Does that happen a lot? | ||
| No. | ||
| But if you know what I'm saying, you think you know the language, but you use the word incorrectly. | ||
| Oh, yes, yes. | ||
| And you're fucked. | ||
| Yeah, this led to one of those fucking... | ||
| Yeah, that was like Abby and Costello right there. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| It was on first. | ||
| It was on first. | ||
| So this person has a small ass. | ||
| Yeah, it was not only was it flat, it was like one of those indented asses, but it was so small. | ||
| You're mad at this chick's ass. | ||
| Well, that right there, I don't know if I could date her because to me it looks like a deformation. | ||
| Like I see her and I'm like, you're a deform. | ||
| This would hurt me less if I haven't seen your ass. | ||
| But I've seen your ass. | ||
| Oh, my ass? | ||
| Oh yeah, my ass is horrible. | ||
| Everyone's a critic no matter what their ass looks like. | ||
| His ass is horrific. | ||
| There's no way he should be talking about anybody's ass ever. | ||
| Maybe that's why he's so upset because it's something that he sees in himself. | ||
| Yeah, it's something that he sees in himself. | ||
| It's like a mirror. | ||
| It's like Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson. | ||
| I don't see... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That is what it is, Brian. | ||
| We learned a lot about ourselves today. | ||
| We're getting somewhere. | ||
| Actually, I've been told by many of my ex-girlfriends that I have that cute ass. | ||
| Amy Schumer, move here and do our podcast on a permanent basis. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Yeah, you should. | ||
| We want to make you famous. | ||
| You can live in the studio. | ||
| We can make you famous. | ||
| For real. | ||
| You're a monster. | ||
| You're hilarious. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm going to move here, you guys. | ||
| You were throwing it out as a hypothetical. | ||
| I'm going to show up tomorrow with my bags. | ||
| Dude, that's fine. | ||
| I'm not throwing it out as a hypothetical. | ||
| My rich and famous papers. | ||
| We'll have you on every week. | ||
| You got a couch, you got a bathroom for number one, so you can do number two. | ||
| Do you think that they'll let me do guest spots at the Ice House? | ||
| Every day. | ||
| I think, you know what, every radio show that's ever existed, they always try to stick a woman on the show. | ||
| They always go, oh, we need to balance it out, we're going to balance it out. | ||
| And men resist, like Opie and Anthony call them holes. | ||
| Yeah, I love those guys. | ||
| Radio holes, those guys are awesome. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| They're right, they're right, but you are different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| You actually would bring a funny female perspective to a podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks a lot. | |
| You should totally be doing one. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're welcome! | ||
| I know what you mean, though. | ||
| They're like, okay, let's find the least unbearable girl and hope she knows when to not talk. | ||
| Well, it's usually she's hot and she's sassy. | ||
| She can hang with the guys. | ||
| And we could call it your stepmom's house. | ||
| Is that like an inside joke? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tom Segura and his wife, Christina Paziski, they have one called Your Mom's House. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| It's totally a joke. | ||
| Guys, include me in all jokes from now on. | ||
| So sorry. | ||
| Okay, all right. | ||
| I'm going to move out here. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'm moving out here, you guys. | ||
| You are? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That's all it took. | ||
| That's all it took. | ||
| Listen, you don't want to be in the snow. | ||
| Wow, I just sold out on New York. | ||
| Fuck all that cold weather and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have no friends. | |
| Hey, medical marijuana. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Medical marijuana. | ||
| And you can have your own podcast show. | ||
| Have I, what? | ||
| Have you been to the stores yet? | ||
| I've never been into the store. | ||
| We're going to take you right after we leave here. | ||
| We're going to take you right into a medical marijuana store. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'd love to. | ||
| Yes, that's what we're going to do. | ||
| As soon as we leave here, we're going to take you right to... | ||
| I like this pot, by the way. | ||
| Dude, this is, we know the guy who makes this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You don't even have to worry about terrorism. | ||
| We know the guy who actually grows this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't say, maybe my weed is supporting Mexican gangs. | |
| Maybe my weed is supporting terrorism. | ||
| We don't have to worry about this weed, because this weed is 100% not created by bad people. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You guys are such good hosts. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| Am I supposed to do it off camera? | ||
| I'll put it on my face. | ||
| If you do it on camera though, it's really bad for your career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| A.B. Schumer, do you want to join the death squad? | ||
| That sounds good. | ||
| Alright, so your stepmom's house is going to be you and Natasha Leggero. | ||
| No, just kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| That's another inside joke. | ||
| Our friend Duncan used to date Natasha Leggero, and then they broke up. | ||
| I know, I just heard. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| I don't know Duncan. | ||
| You love him more, though? | ||
| I don't know Duncan. | ||
| Like, what's up? | ||
| Like, what's up? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| He's a free man. | ||
| Duncan, I don't know him, but... | ||
| But what's up? | ||
| If he could pay my bills, I don't... | ||
| I bet he could help you. | ||
| You know, he could help you a little. | ||
| Can he get me a hat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I'm willing. | |
| He could help you get a hat. | ||
| I'm willing. | ||
| I just heard Natasha on Adam Carolla. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| She's very funny, and I'm glad that Duncan and her are cool with each other. | ||
| Yeah, they're going to be friends. | ||
| Don't feel like you have to pick team Duncan. | ||
| Being friends right away. | ||
| They're going to be friends right away. | ||
| Totally amicable. | ||
| I think it's great to not see your ex. | ||
| Because they're both adults, you fucking child. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very intelligent. | |
| No, but if you still have feelings for somebody, you don't want to... | ||
| The problem is you want to fuck them again. | ||
| Yeah, you want to fuck them again, so just don't see them. | ||
| Especially when you haven't seen them in a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It becomes a problem. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| The human body is a strange fucking thing. | ||
| You know, when you had moments with someone, and then all of a sudden you're in front of them again, and especially when no one's around, you know, if you like, you know, you just for whatever strange reason just run into them somewhere, and all of a sudden you're standing face to face, and you want to give them a hug, and so then you do, and then you gotta think, now what's up? | ||
| We broke up for a reason. | ||
| But the chemicals in your body are like, put something in your body. | ||
| Get in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get in there. | |
| Remember when we used to fuck her? | ||
| Something better enter you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, your penis starts going, we used to fuck her, right? | |
| Hey, we could do it again. | ||
| Hey, I remember this. | ||
| Hey, it was fun, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought it was fun too. | |
| I don't know the smell. | ||
| Brian Cowan. | ||
| And then if you keep doing that over and over again, you'll never get out of relationships. | ||
| Yeah, so my thing is don't talk, don't be at the same place. | ||
| I've had buddies that will break up with the same girl six, seven times because they will always get together and fucking, the fucking is so good and they just... | ||
| Because it feels like home and you're like happy to not be fucking a stranger on the road. | ||
| Yes, happy to not be fucking a stranger and then on top of it, well it's not even that. | ||
| It's this weird thing that happens when you break up and then you make up. | ||
| Like the make up is like really intense. | ||
| It's so exciting, yeah. | ||
| Especially if you're convinced that you're never going to make up. | ||
| Like, if you've insulted each other or said crazy shit to each other, you know? | ||
| And then people get in, like, patterns. | ||
| Like, and you can recognize those patterns when you start dating someone because they'll try to pull that shit on you, you know? | ||
| They'll, like, insult you and they'll say something creepy to you. | ||
| And you're like, whoa, what the fuck is this? | ||
| It came out of nowhere. | ||
| Well, it came out of nowhere because that's just how they rock it. | ||
| Like, every relationship they get in, it's, like, starts off real good, get real close to each other, and then get fucking nasty with each other. | ||
| And then recover. | ||
| And then recover. | ||
| I only had one relationship where we got nasty to each other. | ||
| Since then, it's been pretty smooth sailing in and out. | ||
| That is the worst. | ||
| There's no darker feeling than someone who you used to tell, I love you, and you used to make out with them, and you have sex with them, and then all of a sudden you're yelling at each other in angry words, and they're saying insulting shit to you. | ||
| Shit you can't take back. | ||
| You're like, whoa. | ||
| I only had one like that. | ||
| It's been okay since then. | ||
| I refuse to participate in that shit. | ||
| No. | ||
| I haven't had a relationship like that since I was in my 20s. | ||
| And the last one that did happen, I clearly remember saying, alright, this is never going to happen again. | ||
| I can never allow myself to get in this sort of a situation where every time I'm around this person, there's some sort of argument or debate. | ||
| It brings out the worst in you. | ||
| Or jockeying for position. | ||
| There's a weird jockeying of power sometimes that goes on in some combinations of relationships. | ||
| It's like maybe your confidence triggers the weirdest parts of some guy. | ||
| Have you ever had that happen? | ||
| Where the guy is probably pretty cool with a lot of people, but then he gets around. | ||
| Only once. | ||
| I've got to think you being a comic and being smart and quick. | ||
| Those two, that must be issues with some dudes. | ||
| Guys who aren't comics? | ||
| Do you date guys who aren't comics? | ||
| I've only dated one comic. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Too fucked up? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Comics are too fucked up? | ||
| No, I was saying to Brian, I don't make statements like that. | ||
| I'd love to think, I'll never date a comic again. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's nice to be with somebody who speaks your language. | ||
| That does help. | ||
| But do you want to date someone as fucked up as you, really? | ||
| I don't think I've met somebody who's fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just seems like you always have to follow. | |
| You fuck with somebody you work with. | ||
| You're going to pay in the end. | ||
| With comics, comedy clubs, it's like working out of place. | ||
| And it's like you're on stage doing your shit. | ||
| Not persona, but whatever. | ||
| The shit you do on stage. | ||
| But then seeing somebody that makes you so vulnerable and you can't in good conscience keep up that facade when you're like... | ||
| You know, you just want to go home and cry. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Sucks. | ||
| I've only dated one, like, abusive, crazy, crazy asshole. | ||
| And, yeah, I really, I was like, I'll never do this again. | ||
| I never did. | ||
| But we brought out the worst. | ||
| Was it your first black guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm yet to go to the dark side. | |
| That's my New Year's resolution, though. | ||
| I feel like, I hope that I fuck a black guy this year. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know a professional. | |
| I'm a professional, but it's just like, I don't know, I feel racist that I've never been with a black guy. | ||
| For real? | ||
| I asked my therapist, I'm like, does that make me racist? | ||
| And she's like, no, but I think she was just trying to make me feel racist. | ||
| There's this guy that Joe wants to hook you up with. | ||
| His name is Rampage. | ||
| He's a really nice guy. | ||
| Sounds great. | ||
| That's my favorite video game. | ||
| He wears a chain while you fuck, but you could probably wear a chest protector and you'd be fine for most impact. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| I want a brother. | ||
| I want to feel his ankle bracelet when we're fucking. | ||
| We need a ton of lube just for his elbows. | ||
| No, I'm kidding. | ||
| Coconut lotion or that shit's called. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| His elbows? | ||
| I think it's just... | ||
| You went dark, girl. | ||
| You took a chance. | ||
| You went down weirdo lane. | ||
| I went down racist lane. | ||
| I'm not a... | ||
| No, I really did make that as my New Year's resolution, but I don't know if it's going to happen. | ||
| Yeah, I know people that are comics and only date comics and it never works out. | ||
| It's just like not a good idea. | ||
| It's like high school. | ||
| You're at the same shows every night. | ||
| Well, not only that, I think it's better in life, in my opinion, to experience things from when you're close to someone, whether they're friends or whether they're, you know, co-workers or whatever. | ||
| when you're really close to someone, you're experiencing life when you communicate with them through a different perspective, you know, a completely different perspective. | ||
| So if you're dating someone that has like a completely different set of interests and a completely different set of desires, like someone who sees life from, you know, a totally different viewpoint than a performer, like you're going to get, you'll, it'll, I think it like will broaden Your perspective. | ||
| Oh, you do? | ||
| I think... | ||
| It'll give you more perspective. | ||
| Yeah, when you date people that are outside of your line of show business or even any line of work, I would think. | ||
| If you're limited... | ||
| It seems appealing. | ||
| Yeah, if you're like a CEO and you only date CEO chicks and you get together and have some CEO sex... | ||
| Yeah, and you guys talk about CEO shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Creepy little line are you staying on there. | ||
| Yeah, it started to feel very incestuous just talking about... | ||
| Oh, did you hear what Colin Quinn said tonight? | ||
| Like, right after we... | ||
| One time we fucked to Dices before the laughter died, like, by accident. | ||
| And I was just like, this is too close to home. | ||
| Like, when does the work stop? | ||
| And the... | ||
| So... | ||
| No, but right now what I'm dealing with is... | ||
| By the way, which is one of the greatest comedy CDs of all time. | ||
| Oh, it's fucking unbelievable. | ||
| We couldn't help but fuck. | ||
| We were so psyched. | ||
| Folks who don't know, if you don't know this CD, when Dice Clay was at... | ||
| Dice Clay, by the way, wants to do the podcast. | ||
| And I got his number and we're going to call him. | ||
| He doesn't have a cell phone and he doesn't have a voicemail at home. | ||
| He just has a phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And if you call him, you either get me or you get me. | |
| Oh! | ||
| Is that his machine? | ||
| No, it doesn't have an answering machine. | ||
| Oh, god damn. | ||
| If he doesn't answer the phone, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not talking to him. | |
| That's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I love it. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And when he was huge, when he was at the top of the heap, he put out a CD, a two CD recording. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A double album. | |
| A double album of him bombing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He went to Dangerfields. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Walking the whole room. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He went to Dangerfields completely unannounced. | ||
| And you've got to understand, folks, when this was happening, when Dice put the CD out, Dice was filling coliseums. | ||
| Dice Clay was the biggest, most explosive stand-up comedian of all time. | ||
| I always say that. | ||
| There's no guy who had more success. | ||
| And he doesn't get a lot of credit because it was really juvenile. | ||
| For whatever reason, for some people it's not good. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I'll tell you what, I fucking loved Dice Clay. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Especially when I was a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I was with my girlfriend when we were like 19, 18, 19, and we were listening to a cassette of Andrew Dice Clay, we were fucking howling laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Way before I ever thought I would ever do stand-up comedy, but I remember thinking, this guy is fucking hilarious. | ||
| He just was going for every single fucking thing. | ||
| Just going for it. | ||
| And just beyond committing. | ||
| He's a fucking genius. | ||
| And Norton security guy, Kenny, you know, used to be Dice's guy. | ||
| And the stories that he tells just make you love Dice even more. | ||
| He's fucking crazy. | ||
| So this is what he does. | ||
| He's on top of the world. | ||
| He goes to Dangerfields, just shows up, and he does an album of him with no material at all! | ||
| Zero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just went up and just talked shit for like two hours. | |
| Ruined every audience member's life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Attacked people. | ||
| I think maybe there were like four people left at the end. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was so crazy. | ||
| It was a complete CD of non-comedy. | ||
| And he sold it! | ||
| And there were still some funny moments. | ||
| It's worth listening. | ||
| There's a guy named Mike Donovan who's like a Boston legend. | ||
| And when I was coming up, he was one of the guys that I really admired. | ||
| And he was crying, laughing, recounting Dice doing Nixon while he was eating a girl's ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was like, I'll do Nixon in that ass. | |
| Pleasure by me too. | ||
| He was doing his Nixon impression, and Mike Donovan was crying tears in the back room of the Comedy Connection. | ||
| Crying tears, recounting it, talking about how great that CD is. | ||
| Especially for a comic. | ||
| For any up-and-coming comic, man, you must get The Day the Laughter Died. | ||
| You must get that. | ||
| Because at first you start and you want the crowd to like you. | ||
| And then you get a healthy hatred of the crowd. | ||
| And then an indifference creeps in. | ||
| That's where I am now. | ||
| Just total indifference. | ||
| Well, it's like ugly guys and girls. | ||
| Ugly guys and girls have this thing where they love the girl, but the girl doesn't love them back. | ||
| So every time they see a pretty girl, they have this feeling of pain inside of them. | ||
| That connection with rejection. | ||
| See, it's not that the crowd is terrible. | ||
| It's just in the beginning, we're all terrible, so we grow to hate the crowd because so many times they've punished us. | ||
| For the truth. | ||
| Yeah, for the truth. | ||
| And then we love them, but it's not satisfying enough. | ||
| Well, we have to get good enough to be better than them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And to sort of guide them along. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then... | ||
| They're listening. | ||
| Guide them along into my comedy journey. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| No, I honestly believe that there's a lot of comics that develop this sort of hate for their audience. | ||
| And it's really strange. | ||
| And I think the only thing that makes sense is they connect it with bad feelings. | ||
| They connect their audience with... | ||
| Some reflection of how they've put out their own energy and their own personality and how people respond to that. | ||
| And then their own material. | ||
| If they've had bad sets or if they've had bad things happen in the crowd. | ||
| And they associate that bad feeling with everyone who comes to see them. | ||
| I've met a lot of old guys that have been in the business for a long time. | ||
| That stayed with that experience. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what these people want. | ||
| I'm going to feed them what I do. | ||
| They like it or they don't like it, and the show is over. | ||
| All right, folks, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| And they really do develop that sort of defense mechanism. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I try to be exactly the opposite. | ||
| I try to... | ||
| By now, I have, like, when I do shows... | ||
| People come out that know me. | ||
| It's my crowd. | ||
| So when it's my crowd, it's way easier. | ||
| We know we're just going to have fun. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I feel very open when I go out there. | ||
| Just like when I meet someone in life, I give them the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| And I'm into it. | ||
| But I feel like I don't need anything from them right now where I am. | ||
| I'm not like... | ||
| I'm not like, please laugh or please like me. | ||
| And I'm not like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't feel scared at all. | ||
| As an intelligent person, when you're involved in this sort of a bizarre line of work, there's a self-analysis that comes along with creating new material. | ||
| And a lot of times you start looking at this weird relationship that you have to this strange group of people. | ||
| Like, I'm seeking their approval, and I'm doing this, and I'm changing who I am. | ||
| You know, and there's a weird, like, there's a weird thing that goes back and forth when you're an intelligent person and you're analyzing anything where you're sort of insisting on the approval of mass amounts of people. | ||
| Which is what your comedy is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| Even more so than like music. | ||
| Yeah, but like, okay, but before you were saying about being a chick and that it might limit the subject matter you can talk about. | ||
| I didn't want to say limit. | ||
| What I said is makes it more difficult. | ||
| I think I'm more impressed when a chick can skirt the issues of sex or politics or any position of authority or someone to make sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because guys don't want to hear a girl make sense that they haven't figured out. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| That makes total sense. | ||
| But that's what I feel like I've been doing on stage about sex stuff. | ||
| Talking about the female experience and not for the sake of shock and not for the sake of making anybody uncomfortable or trying to belittle or alienate the dudes. | ||
| It's not like that. | ||
| And I think that I've found a way to make it acceptable for people to digest. | ||
| I bet you have. | ||
| You're smart. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| It's not impossible, but it's more difficult. | ||
| But in that way, my reason for saying that is like, so I'm paying attention to the experience that the audience is having. | ||
| If they're not laughing and not with me, I'm not going to be like, well, I don't care. | ||
| This is the path I'm on. | ||
| I'm fed by that and I react to it, but I just don't feel like... | ||
| Like, you know, I just, I don't know, where I used to. | ||
| If a joke didn't work, I would sort of just tap dance to the next one and be like, maybe this will, and that just, you know, that, I think just from bombing so hard so many times, the fear leaves you because you've lived out all your fears on stage. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the moments of deep bombing, though. | ||
| Right now people are like, Kate Upton. | ||
| But it's true. | ||
| The bombing moments are clarity moments. | ||
| Yeah, they're important. | ||
| But I think that that's where people develop the bad relationship with the audience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think it's like a guy, an ugly dude with pretty girls. | ||
| Just so used to getting rejected that you're like, fuck these bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at all these lesbians. | ||
| They don't even like my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| Let's go to a strip club. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's a natural thing for people to do. | ||
| I loved your... | ||
| One of the videos where you were... | ||
| How you dealt with a female heckler. | ||
| You were like, I'm not... | ||
| You just really explained the truth to her. | ||
| I think you were like, I'm not your boyfriend. | ||
| Or I'm not trying to fuck you. | ||
| I'm not going to act like what you're saying is interesting. | ||
| Not that those were your words. | ||
| But I learned from that. | ||
| I was like, oh, the absolute truth is the funniest shit. | ||
| You didn't insult... | ||
| Her, whatever. | ||
| You were just like, here's the situation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't have to. | ||
| I was like, you're not fascinating to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, there's... | ||
| I'm not going to pretend like you're interesting. | ||
| Like, the guys that want to bang you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, just shut up. | ||
| We had a woman in Vegas a couple of weeks ago. | ||
| That was in Vegas, too. | ||
| The one I think you're thinking of. | ||
| Which, Vegas, they just go the deepest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vegas, fucking... | |
| Because they're usually on meth or ecstasy or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're all fucked up. | |
| They lost. | ||
| Yeah, Advil. | ||
| They're on... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Advil. | |
| They're flying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're flying. | |
| Ibuprofen. | ||
| Who knows what the fuck they're doing in Vegas. | ||
| There was a girl last time, we were there, she stood up for like 10 minutes. | ||
| For 10 minutes, she was like standing up in the audience while I destroyed her. | ||
| What was her goal? | ||
| It was bizarre. | ||
| I'm totally exaggerating on the 10 minutes. | ||
| It was like 90 seconds. | ||
| And she was just going to the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two minutes back. | |
| But no, she was standing up for a long time, screaming and yelling at me. | ||
| She was just crazy. | ||
| She was just pretty, and she just thought, for whatever reason, she just could be running this room. | ||
| I think they're just confused. | ||
| She's seen Coyote Ugly too many times. | ||
| She thought she could just stand up and start a revolution. | ||
| She starts flair bartending in the audience. | ||
| She's like, but what about somebody play The Devil Went Down to Detroit? | ||
| Yeah, do a little bit of this in the audience. | ||
| Play Cotton Eye Joe. | ||
| She starts river dancing. | ||
| You're like, that's not why I'm here. | ||
| For whatever reason, she just really, really wanted to be the center of attention. | ||
| So she just caused this massive commotion. | ||
| I now talk to them like I would talk to a toddler. | ||
| I'll be like, do you feel like you need attention right now? | ||
| Yes, that's important. | ||
| Do you need it to be for me? | ||
| Or maybe the people you're with at your table could maybe... | ||
| What led you to this deficit? | ||
| Can you check in to this deficit? | ||
| Instead of looking at this one thing of behavior, what is the catalyst? | ||
| What started this off? | ||
| Was it childhood molestation? | ||
| Yeah, let's talk about your dad. | ||
| Someone leave you somewhere and never come and get you. | ||
| What can we do right now? | ||
| You're raised by dogs. | ||
| Or I'll just like, I'll move the mic and I'll just say like, don't talk to me anymore. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I just go back. | ||
| It's like, because I think the way that it is a struggle also for me is I go on stage. | ||
| I look like very Amish. | ||
| Like I look not threatening. | ||
| And I think people react even no matter what age they are. | ||
| Like I'm a substitute teacher. | ||
| Like, oh, here we go. | ||
| Mrs. Crandall's not here. | ||
| You look like America. | ||
| I look like an American doll. | ||
| You look like he'd be selling pie, like apple pie. | ||
| You'd have like the best tasting apple pie of all time. | ||
| Yeah, step right up. | ||
| If I looked at her and I said, that bitch has probably got some awesome apple pie. | ||
| And then I go up and I'm like, my pussy, this. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| But so they think it's like, you know, step teacher, so I have to sort of... | ||
| I'll assert my authority right away and be like, this is how this house is going to go, you know? | ||
| Guys must think that's hot, though. | ||
| I mean, I bet, I think, I would imagine that the guys would be very scared of it. | ||
| Or, like, totally scared of it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one is it? | |
| I don't get hit on very often. | ||
| Or, like, if I get hit on, it'll be a guy coming up after the show who will listen to my stuff. | ||
| And I do a lot of stuff about being, like, easy. | ||
| So they'll... | ||
| I've had a guy come up and he... | ||
| They just, like, assume that they're, like, going home with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I've had a guy come up and be like, hey, so I'm a Marine and, like, I drove two hours to get here. | ||
| And they come by themselves? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I got duct tape and a knife. | ||
| I'm like, okay, thank you. | ||
| I signed the CD. And I'm like, okay, thanks. | ||
| And he's like, where are we going? | ||
| And I'm like, oh, no. | ||
| You're a stranger. | ||
| Where are we going? | ||
| Chicks, just as much as guys, are handsy with me and are like, let's go somewhere. | ||
| Where's the next location from? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Do they want to party with you or do they want to have sex with you? | ||
| What's going on with these chicks? | ||
| I hope both. | ||
| I can only hope both. | ||
| That's what I was hoping you would say. | ||
| The girls want to hang out. | ||
| But they're all like, and if it's like a couple, they'll be like, don't hug Amy. | ||
| I want it. | ||
| You know, and they're like, the girls are handsy. | ||
| Because, you know, they feel like, I'm sure everybody feels like they're your friend. | ||
| They know you. | ||
| They want you to like them. | ||
| And they want you to know that they get it. | ||
| Oh, they get it, Brian. | ||
| They get it. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Definitely, I did the show at Foxwoods, and this guy was like, can I take a picture where I'm pretending like I'm going to grab your boobs? | ||
| And I was like, no, but let's take a normal picture. | ||
| And he wrote on Facebook, he was like, That cunt. | ||
| She wouldn't let me. | ||
| And I wrote back to him and I was like, that's the only time I ever have or ever will write back to anyone who writes something rude to me. | ||
| I like the block button on Twitter. | ||
| I'm block happy. | ||
| But that guy, I was like... | ||
| Why? | ||
| Did you feel like that was okay? | ||
| Like, I said, let's take another picture. | ||
| And he was like, I just thought you'd be like, Lampanelli would have done it. | ||
| And I'm just like, Lampanelli would have done it. | ||
| I'm on the road by myself, usually. | ||
| Like, I want some inbred fucking weirdo to be like, oops, sorry, I grabbed them by accident. | ||
| Pretending to grab your tits? | ||
| How fucking crazy is that? | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| I'm just like, no. | ||
| I don't want that out there either. | ||
| And you probably would grab them just for a joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I grabbed them. | ||
| People have just picked me up for a picture. | ||
| I had a guy ask me if he could pick me up. | ||
| I want to feel safe. | ||
| He goes, can I carry you? | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| What did you want to do? | ||
| He goes, can I carry you in the picture? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| I go, why would you want to carry me? | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Oh, it was so weird. | ||
| It was a big guy, too. | ||
| It was like, hey. | ||
| You're like, no. | ||
| You're going to have to fight for that position, son. | ||
| Let's come up with something else. | ||
| If you ever get to the point where you're actually carrying me, we're going to have to, we're fighting. | ||
| You crazy asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Trying to pick me up. | ||
| People have no boundaries. | ||
| Pulled me in the air. | ||
| And then what? | ||
| Next thing you know. | ||
| It's never enough. | ||
| It's never enough. | ||
| It's always another... | ||
| The average person would never ask if they could pick you up and carry you in a photo. | ||
| Like, I would never ask... | ||
| Don't you feel like if it's an artist that you, like, love... | ||
| Just meet someone. | ||
| First time you've ever met them. | ||
| Even though you know that they're a person that you've seen on television or on a band or whatever. | ||
| You have just met them, you crazy asshole. | ||
| You have had exactly three seconds of FaceTime together. | ||
| This woman... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I carry you? | |
| In Sacramento, this chick got thrown out of a show because she was talking and drunk and loud. | ||
| And she got up. | ||
| The punchline? | ||
| At the punchline. | ||
| That place is the shit. | ||
| And she was like, Amy, are you going to let them do this to me? | ||
| And I was like, I don't, you're a stranger, bitch. | ||
| Like, she thought I was going to be like, no, Barbara, or whatever. | ||
| I was like, yeah, get her out of here. | ||
| Crazy drunk assholes. | ||
| Shit, you're going Well, I always wonder, too, when people go off in the audience occasionally, I always wonder, what are they on? | ||
| You know, in this day and age, I always wonder about, like, what kind of weird prescription shit are they on? | ||
| Some weird combo. | ||
| And drinking at the same time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because some people, this is just a complete disconnect from reality. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The absolute, utter disconnect from reality. | ||
| Or it'll be like, they're not trying to be mean, they're trying to, like, they think they're helping you. | ||
| They think they're helping you. | ||
| And they'll even tell you afterwards, I helped you, I helped that show. | ||
| We were great, right? | ||
| That was good at me. | ||
| We were playing off each other, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| I had a guy at the punchline in Atlanta over New Year's. | ||
| He was like yelling and he was like, I said something like, I'm not a lesbian. | ||
| I mean, I've caught a finger, but I'm not. | ||
| And he's like, Yes, you are. | ||
| You'll fuck anybody. | ||
| And I don't think he was trying to lash out. | ||
| I think he was trying to be like, I know you're whatever. | ||
| But then everybody's like, ooh. | ||
| And they put the lights on. | ||
| And it's like they wanted me to trash this guy. | ||
| And so I did. | ||
| They put the lights on him? | ||
| They put the lights on in the crowd. | ||
| So that you could see him better? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Did you ask them to do that? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| They put the video online. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was just really bad. | |
| Wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| Why did they do that? | ||
| That's their solution? | ||
| Would you turn the lights on? | ||
| Like, here, you can see him now. | ||
| He's the victim. | ||
| You can go after him. | ||
| And I don't want to do that. | ||
| I want to do, like, my jokes that I'm working on, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'd rather not have the interaction at all. | ||
| Yeah, that is a problem, you know, especially when it becomes really funny, too. | ||
| Then the crowd thinks it's a really good thing that it happened. | ||
| And that's their favorite part. | ||
| Yeah, they enjoy it. | ||
| I like when you trash that fucking idiot. | ||
| So I could see how the club would be like, oh, this would be fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's other clubs that won't even allow it to get to that part. | ||
| I love those clubs. | ||
| Like Gotham. | ||
| Gotham polices that shit. | ||
| They don't fuck around. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| They're all ex-cops running that place. | ||
| They're all fucking savages. | ||
| I've had to tell them to leave guys alone. | ||
| They're waiting to pounce. | ||
| Those guys are professional New York police officers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Amy, you let us know. | |
| We'll have a signal. | ||
| They're animals. | ||
| They don't fuck around. | ||
| They're waiting to hurt someone. | ||
| Those guys are beautiful. | ||
| It's a beautiful club. | ||
| The fucking place is perfect. | ||
| It's perfection. | ||
| Are you about to go there? | ||
| Why are we like... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I used to go there all the time. | ||
| No, I love Gotham. | ||
| I love Gotham. | ||
| That's where I started. | ||
| What the hell am I doing in New York? | ||
| I'm not doing that, Brian. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| A Manhattan Theater. | ||
| The Manhattan Theater? | ||
| Ooh, fancy pants. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| Getting all fancy on a bitch. | ||
| You know what's up? | ||
| You know what's up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit, boy. | |
| Moving on up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Well, I love doing clubs just as much. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think more sometimes even. | ||
| It's good to do both, right? | ||
| When you can't do five shows or you can't do a whole weekend, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. | ||
| When I can't do that, I have to do a theater. | ||
| I get bummed out if I can only do one show in a town that's only 200 seats or something like that. | ||
| But those are the best shows, right? | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| For me, because then I might fill it. | ||
| Listen, I'm telling you, if you had a podcast, you'd be packing clubs everywhere. | ||
| I've heard you stand-up. | ||
| You're fucking hilarious. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're just as hilarious doing stand-up as you are at roasts. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You'd be killing them. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| A podcast. | ||
| Yeah, I'm telling you, kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stepmom. | |
| Hey, guys, this is my podcast. | ||
| I wouldn't know the first thing to say. | ||
| Just start talking. | ||
| Start talking shit. | ||
| Or come on out. | ||
| You could be the hole on our show. | ||
| I'd love to be your hole. | ||
| We could introduce you. | ||
| You could totally be my hole. | ||
| Amy Schumer, a.k.a. | ||
| the Death Squad hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Don't say it if you don't mean it. | ||
| Is this the Valentine's Day edition? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| This is so beautiful. | ||
| Oh, it's only beautiful because you're here. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You bounce so well. | ||
| There's a fake butthole on that table, by the way. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Right in front of you, Amy. | ||
| There's a little brown thing. | ||
| Oh, that's a cat. | ||
| A little rubber thing right there. | ||
| Oh, this isn't it. | ||
| Thanks for telling me it's a fake asshole. | ||
| Like, I would be concerned that this was perhaps a real asshole. | ||
| That just had wandered away from it. | ||
| So this is an African-American's asshole. | ||
| Is it just because of February? | ||
| Or do you switch out the asshole? | ||
| We do some porn star podcast here, and when girls have a gaping asshole, they use that to plug it during the day so their asshole's just not mouth breathing. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| No, because sometimes if they get... | ||
| Come on. | ||
| It doesn't smell. | ||
| Brian, you're not tricking me with this. | ||
| You're just making this up, you crazy asshole. | ||
| Brian. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Have you seen this asshole? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| May I? Please. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Enjoy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Silly. | |
| Please enjoy. | ||
| Do you know Will Sasso, Joe? | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| It's very strange that someone wanted a mole. | ||
| It looks nice in your hand. | ||
| Yeah, I guess when dudes just sit around fingering going, that could be her asshole. | ||
| This could be somebody's asshole. | ||
| It's Whitney Houston's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would just, first of all, I would brush up against her, like, barely, barely. | |
| Just let her know I'm here. | ||
| Just let her know I'm here. | ||
| Let her know my finger saying what's up. | ||
| Knock, knock, girl. | ||
| You want to back up, you can. | ||
| If you want to back up, you can. | ||
| Oh, I feel a little pressure on my finger. | ||
| Is that your booty hole pressure, my finger? | ||
| Oh, looks like she wants to play. | ||
| If you had the feeling to just back up and just... | ||
| Everybody's different. | ||
| Everybody's different. | ||
| You put your finger on some girls' assholes and they clap. | ||
| Clamp down and go, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| And every guy's asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every guy's. | |
| Almost every guy's. | ||
| Well, wouldn't you rather that than a guy back up? | ||
| Be like, mm. | ||
| Grab that second finger. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want a guy who's like super. | ||
| Today, that's how I feel. | ||
| Today. | ||
| When you get older. | ||
| When I get older, I'm going to be fisting any dude that will let me. | ||
| A little bit more to stoke the fires. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| We'll just be bored. | ||
| I'll be throwing whatever I can at his ass. | ||
| This little brown asshole's disturbing. | ||
| It might not be a total... | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| What? | ||
| A total... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a black asshole. | ||
| It could be just a really tan person, too. | ||
| Because it's not necessarily black. | ||
| No one's that tan. | ||
| Well, the chick that I pulled it out of was a black one. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| Brian, you didn't pull this out of some girl. | ||
| This is not an actual tool. | ||
| That's a real doll butthole. | ||
| It's a real doll's butthole. | ||
| Yeah, a version of a real doll's butthole. | ||
| But isn't the real doll, you can fuck its butthole. | ||
| Yeah, you can put different attachments in it. | ||
| Oh, you can? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this skin is what the real doll is made out of? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not as good as Fleshlight. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Fleshlight has a patented technology, Joe. | ||
| Fleshlight feels more real than this? | ||
| Oh, way better. | ||
| Yeah, Fleshlight feels way closer to vagina material. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Pretty goddamn close. | ||
| That's why you buy any kind of fake vagina as a guy. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| It's like fucking a Barbie doll chunk. | ||
| The piece where they make Barbie dolls out of, they carve it in a certain way. | ||
| That's what it feels like. | ||
| Can you make the flashlight tighter if you want? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's pretty tight. | ||
| It just stretches around your dick. | ||
| It stretches. | ||
| So, okay. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's for the most part. | ||
| For most people, I would imagine. | ||
| For most people. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| Maybe not everyone. | ||
| Wow, this is great. | ||
| Very touchy subject, men and women. | ||
| Oh yeah, the assholes. | ||
| Vaginas, something taking over, some artificial shit. | ||
| For years, dudes had to live with girls riding equipment and sticking sibians inside their bodies. | ||
| And now it's your turn. | ||
| Now it's finally the men's sexual revolution. | ||
| They're turning it around right now. | ||
| I'm scared of all that shit. | ||
| I've never dealt with any of that. | ||
| I mean, I've had a vibrator, but... | ||
| How do you feel about this crazy Rick Santorum asshole not to like skew your judgment in any way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You thought maybe I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| I love Santorum. | ||
| Apparently, he's not even into birth control. | ||
| He thinks that women shouldn't have birth control and that the states should be able to decide. | ||
| Is that his way of saying he likes pulling out and putting it all over his wife's stomach? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's a tit guy. | ||
| I don't believe that he feels like he believes anything that he's saying. | ||
| You feel like he's just completely playing a game? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| He could be gay. | ||
| You go straight to fag. | ||
| Yeah, whenever someone's really religious. | ||
| He likes bears, fag. | ||
| When someone's super, super religious and they want to either challenge gay marriage or control gay sexuality or whenever they want to get real freaky with controlling sex and morality and issues like that, I almost always go gay with them. | ||
| Because they almost always are uncovered as being wildly gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Yeah, it sounds like a crazy thing to say. | ||
| Like, you know, Joe Rogan, you're an asshole for saying that. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| I'll tell you why. | ||
| Because I'm not saying that you shouldn't be religious. | ||
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| I know a lot of people where all that has super benefited them. | ||
| Especially people that have had substance abuse issues. | ||
| You cannot say that Christianity or religion or having a good church and a good association, a community association that belongs to that's religious and follows religious tenets that it couldn't help their life. | ||
| I agree, yeah. | ||
| But for, you know, for a lot of people, they're just too fucking stupid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it gives somebody hope and it helps them out, I'm like, go do it. | ||
| But if it's just because you're borderline retarded and somebody told you to believe it and you do, then... | ||
| I guess I don't really know what I'm saying. | ||
| What are you saying, Amy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just think I'm... | ||
| I don't want to blame the pot, but I just don't even really remember what we're talking about. | ||
| Do you like the breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden? | ||
| Brian, you had to. | ||
| Is that what we were talking about? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When you're there, you are family. | ||
| I think we were talking about black eyes. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| You guys, you'll be the first to know if I do it. | ||
| We hit like a personal three-way mind stump right there. | ||
| We were all driving along. | ||
| We all just halted. | ||
| And we were following you. | ||
| Me? | ||
| Yeah, because there was a brief moment where I, you know, as you're having a conversation, it's sort of like you're tossing a ball back and forth to each other. | ||
| I took the ball. | ||
| And you had the ball, and I completely forgot what I was saying when I gave you the ball. | ||
| I threw the ball in the sewer. | ||
| You sort of threw the ball back to me, and I'm like, I'm not sure you can have it again. | ||
| And then you said, I don't know what we're talking about. | ||
| You should have followed that instinct. | ||
| I was like, damn, both of us. | ||
| You should have kept that ball. | ||
| And I wasn't paying attention. | ||
| Yeah, Brian's watching reruns of Sanford. | ||
| You don't want to be the Kobe Bryant of podcasts. | ||
| You want to push the ball off as much as possible. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The beautiful moments come. | ||
| I feel like I should make a rape joke. | ||
| I'm going to just opt out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I love you. | |
| I love you. | ||
| Move here. | ||
| It seems like the right time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Move here. | |
| Move here. | ||
| Come on, we're going to be besties. | ||
| Ice house. | ||
| I stopped doing my rape joke. | ||
| I can't do it anymore. | ||
| People were getting mad in the audience that had been raped. | ||
| Yeah, you shouldn't. | ||
| I had to stop it. | ||
| That's not a funny thing to talk about. | ||
| They were asking for it. | ||
| It's like murdering babies is not fun to talk about either. | ||
| They don't have to tell you. | ||
| I beg to differ on both of those subjects. | ||
| I just, I can't find a way to make cancer funny. | ||
| But everything else I think is pretty funny. | ||
| Well, it depends on who's getting raped. | ||
| When dudes are getting raped, it's hilarious. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Especially assholes. | ||
| Anal rape. | ||
| When mean men are getting raped by other meaner men. | ||
| You are singing my song, sister. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I miss Oz for that reason. | ||
| That was the last good. | ||
| Seeing out of BC Rape, I was like, yes. | ||
| Last good rape show on television was Oz. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| They don't make them like they used to. | ||
| That's a different way of owning a guy. | ||
| Raping him. | ||
| That's a whole other level. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Raping someone when you're in a cage together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They impose themselves on you so much that they sexually impose themselves on you. | ||
| They make you suck their dick. | ||
| God, that is... | ||
| They nut in your mouth. | ||
| They didn't even want to. | ||
| They just wanted to show you that they could do that. | ||
| Can you imagine how horrific that must be? | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
| It's not even fun if it's what you wanted to happen. | ||
| But what if you have to? | ||
| A guy beats the fuck out of you. | ||
| The best way to not get the fuck beat out of you is to suck his dick and let him fucking in. | ||
| It's not going to take that much time out of your dick. | ||
| Tibetan rape ceremony. | ||
| It seems less gay to get fucked. | ||
| Tibetan rape ceremony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that a thing? | |
| Yeah, you tie you to a stick and let a bunch of guys rape you. | ||
| Is that what free Tibet means? | ||
| He's betting that up. | ||
| LAUGHTER I'm getting that bumper sticker immediately. | ||
| Meeting adjourned. | ||
| He's actually referencing a Tibetan vulture funeral, where they tie your dead body to a stake, and then the vultures come down and eat you. | ||
| It's fucking wild shit. | ||
| Who watches? | ||
| Your family watches? | ||
| Yeah, family members. | ||
| And a lot of times, the vultures will leave the head on last, so a lot of the photos, if you see it, it's just like a skeleton, almost exactly from Disneyland, and then a person's real head attached to its stake. | ||
| Well, not only that, the high-level guys take it to the next level, and they bring hammers, and then they smash up the head, and they smash up the bones, and then they step back again. | ||
| The vultures come back, and they actually devour the smashed-up bones. | ||
| That's when you're taking it deep. | ||
| That's when you're taking it super deep, when you're hitting your friend's head open with a fucking hammer. | ||
| And they open them up, too, with knives. | ||
| They open the meat up to get the vultures to start. | ||
| I was actually talking to this on the phone with my mom and I was telling her about this. | ||
| Why didn't lie suspicious that you're telling a lie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I will call her. | |
| I'll call her right now live if you don't believe me. | ||
| But no, I swear to God, I was driving over telling her about this and then she's like, you know, this is like the most disturbing thing my mom's ever heard in her life because she doesn't have like internet as much as people, you know. | ||
| So like I'm telling her this and she's like, I have to sit down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So could you just tell her it? | ||
| Today on the way here. | ||
| Oh, you should tell her to fucking go to the link. | ||
| You should make her go to the link. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You should just email it to her. | ||
| Hey, Mom, this is a new place I'm thinking about moving into in Burbank. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| And she'll just look at that link. | ||
| She sounds like a real bitch. | ||
| I think she's spotting. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| You can't say that while you're wearing your Cougar Hunter shirt. | ||
| That is not cool. | ||
| Brian, do you remember the Cougar in Austin, Texas? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you get down? | ||
| The accidental Cougar? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do you want to tell that story? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think we've told it a million times, but pretty much... | ||
| Are you talking about the strip club? | ||
| Yeah, the one where you didn't know who you're kissing? | ||
| So there was this waitress that was really flirty with me at the strip club, and I was blackout drunk. | ||
| He's saying it like he wants me to get jealous. | ||
| Well, he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does. | |
| He's gonna let you know that he's available. | ||
| She was nothing. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| But she was pretty hot. | ||
| Okay, we're okay. | ||
| She was pretty hot though and so she was like being really flurry like massaging my back and everything like that and I was just wasted and then she stopped massaging my back and I'm like just fucked up and then suddenly this other waitress comes up to me or a stripper or I don't know who it was or just an older lady. | ||
| She was a patron. | ||
| Oh she was a patron that was just like an old lady that hung out at strip clubs you know like creepy older ladies smoke cigarettes and I don't know like face of an ugly angel and uh okay And I thought that was this... | ||
| The girl tried to, like, kiss me on the cheek or something like that, and I thought it was the hot waitress, and I just went, like, closed my eyes and just started, like, frenching her. | ||
| And then Joe's recording it on his phone, and then I... No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It was just way before you could record things on your phone. | ||
| No, you did, because I remember you... | ||
| No, no, I recorded it on a camera. | ||
| Camera. | ||
| Yeah, he recorded it on a camera, and then, whatever, I, like, backed out and noticed it wasn't her, and then everyone, like, That was around me. | ||
| It looked like they saw a ghost. | ||
| Like, everyone was just, like, white as a ghost. | ||
| It sounds like you made out of the ghost. | ||
| This is what it was like. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| And Brian was happy as a pig in shit. | ||
| He was sitting back with his arms stretched, pie-eyed drunk, stoned as fuck. | ||
| He just oblivious to the world. | ||
| And he had this huge smile on his face. | ||
| And then the waitress comes over, and she was really cute. | ||
| And Brian said something funny. | ||
| He laughed, and he... | ||
| He clapped his hands together and we were all having a good time. | ||
| I let go of my balloon. | ||
| And Brian kicks back and he's literally, he's so hammered and like fucking Nickelback is playing really loud. | ||
| Best moment of his life. | ||
| And his head is leaning back and the girl comes over and kisses his cheek and she's a fucking old biker lady. | ||
| Like an old... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gross. | |
| She was haggard looking. | ||
| She had short hair. | ||
| She had a vest on. | ||
| She had a vest. | ||
| The older one that was the cougar. | ||
| She was wearing a vest. | ||
| Blanche. | ||
| Yeah, it was like Blanche. | ||
| Yeah, Blanche. | ||
| Blanche was the cutest one. | ||
| No. | ||
| Who did you like, Sophia? | ||
| She was like late 50s. | ||
| Yeah, I'd say late 50s. | ||
| Late 50s old biker lady sits down next to Brian, cuddles with him, rubs up against him, he puts his hand on her, she kisses his neck, he turns to her, and it's like watching a deer get hit by a train. | ||
| And you have it on video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Oh my god, it was horrendous. | ||
| When she stuck out her weathered cigarette-grade tongue, it was like a fucking appendage in the movie Predator. | ||
| It was like something you expect to come out of its mouth. | ||
| Too long. | ||
| She was tonguing Brian. | ||
| Oh, it was so nasty. | ||
| And whatever tattoos that she had on her had long been blue by the mother time. | ||
| It's Tasmanian. | ||
| The devil is shooting basketball or something. | ||
| Oh, they were making out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were making out. | |
| And I'm filming it. | ||
| I'm filming it. | ||
| And I'm going, look, look, what the fuck is Brian doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So the video is like, look, look, what the fuck is Brian doing? | |
| And he can't even hear me. | ||
| You know, it's like... | ||
| Yeah, and then the next day, I'm like, dude, did you get that video? | ||
| He goes, dude, I deleted it for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll thank me. | |
| That's really nice. | ||
| We watched it. | ||
| Well, I knew that it was too good and it was going to get out. | ||
| I want that out. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| It was devastating. | ||
| It would have been devastating to your confidence. | ||
| I would love to see it. | ||
| At the time, though, today, I agree, but eight years ago, whenever the fuck it was, I say you weren't really ready for that yet. | ||
| I would love to have seen it. | ||
| It would have been devastating. | ||
| I would have. | ||
| I have that on my... | ||
| Fucking MySpace cage. | ||
| You'd wake up and shit your pants in cold sweats. | ||
| You'd just wake up, think about it, and just shit your pants. | ||
| That woman was horrific, bro. | ||
| That would be so awesome to have. | ||
| She was like the scene in The Shining when Jack Nicholson is making out with the woman and all of a sudden it turns into an old lady. | ||
| That's what it was like. | ||
| It was horrendous. | ||
| That's sad that you did leave it. | ||
| Little buddy, you know I love you. | ||
| No, I want to see it so bad. | ||
| I didn't want to see it again. | ||
| I almost reenacted. | ||
| You didn't want to live with it. | ||
| I felt bad. | ||
| I felt bad. | ||
| Everybody was going to attack you. | ||
| I'm on a cougar hunt, Joe. | ||
| You're just here to protect him. | ||
| She wasn't a cougar, dude. | ||
| She was a snuffleupagus. | ||
| She's a rocker chick, dude. | ||
| Trying to ruin my game with the cougs. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| And there's somewhere out there, there's someone that wants to suck her feet. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, there's some dude who wants to suck those dried out, old, fucking, calloused, hardened, cracked feet. | ||
| He wants to suck on them. | ||
| There's somebody out there, man. | ||
| Yeah, man, pretty nice for me. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Was that like Hispanic or like an inbred southern? | ||
| Oh, that was just fat. | ||
| Fat southern guy. | ||
| Hey, get it done. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| So awful. | ||
| Have you seen the Book of Mormon? | ||
| Do you go to like plays and stuff like that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is it just amazing? | ||
| It's coming here to Los Angeles finally. | ||
| For folks who don't know, it's the Matt Stone and Trey Parker musical. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's coming to Los Angeles. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck those guys have time to do that, man. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're ridiculous. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| There's some people that put out their workload. | ||
| It's so... | ||
| You're one of those people. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You have 85. You're like Jamaican. | ||
| No, these are easy jobs. | ||
| Everything I have. | ||
| I figured out a way to just fake it the entire way. | ||
| The least amount of effort and do 80 things? | ||
| Yeah, everything I do. | ||
| You're like Seacrest on drugs. | ||
| I'm like a manly version of Brian Seacrest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm sorry. | |
| Super manly. | ||
| You're like the sexy, rugged, just fucking chicks. | ||
| I like how you do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking just traps are busting out of your shit. | |
| Fucking... | ||
| Everything I do is super easy. | ||
| It's all like, it's just skating through. | ||
| I mean, comedy is the only thing that's difficult because you have to write the material. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But then once you got it down, once you have your set down, it's super easy. | ||
| You know, the really, the only difficult thing about comedy is writing the new stuff. | ||
| And the travel and the shit. | ||
| The travel. | ||
| But that's just, I'm telling you, your travel will be so much different if you had a podcast and you bring your friends on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| Bring it. | ||
| Bring it. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta fight for it. | ||
| Or just hang out in California, smoke a lot of weed, and just do shows here locally, and do podcasts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, come on, get in there, girl. | |
| This is the scene in the movie where you decide that, fuck New York. | ||
| New York can suck it. | ||
| And you throw all your stuff in the bag, and that's what you say right before you leave. | ||
| New York can suck it. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| You kick the door shut. | ||
| Next thing you're on a plane. | ||
| Next thing you landed. | ||
| Like in the movie Snatch. | ||
| You remember when the dude has to fly back and forth from London to New York and he's all mad? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got some fucking diamond deal that's going on. | ||
| He pops the ambulance. | ||
| I think it'll be like Pretty Women, but like in reverse. | ||
| So like a month from now, I'll just be like pantsless on the street. | ||
| No, I don't need money. | ||
| I don't need money. | ||
| Just so I don't know where the Greyhound station is. | ||
| But really, I'm like, okay, can I have some money? | ||
| Pantsless on the street. | ||
| In my underpants, just... | ||
| Your brown stained underpants. | ||
| I remember when I first drove to New York. | ||
| I'm not gonna start shitting myself, Brian. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| I'm just not, I don't have a job. | ||
| I remember when I first drove to New York, there was an area of New York, Jimmy Norton would know where it is. | ||
| I'm sure he would. | ||
| I'm sure he knows where it moved to. | ||
| He probably does. | ||
| There's an area that was like, near like shipyards and shit. | ||
| It was like a real creepy area. | ||
| And you drive through and there was hundreds Hookers everywhere. | ||
| It was like Night of the Thousand Hookers. | ||
| It was 42nd all the way over by the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it was? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Times Square used to be like... | ||
| Sounds like Seattle. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Seattle again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you don't. | |
| Why? | ||
| It's inside jokes, this motherfucker with the inside jokes. | ||
| Night of the Thousand Hookers. | ||
| It was so bizarre because it was like shipyards and hookers everywhere. | ||
| Norton's dreams. | ||
| Really wild. | ||
| Weird, man. | ||
| The village people are actually there. | ||
| That's a real place. | ||
| There's a lot of people that have never experienced that. | ||
| They don't know if there's spots where there's all these... | ||
| They've decided hookers are just going to accumulate. | ||
| Like, that's it. | ||
| That's their Amsterdam, like, on the wire. | ||
| Walk the streets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| New Orleans is the scariest place like that that I've seen. | ||
| For hookers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| New Orleans? | ||
| What I've seen. | ||
| And I went to college in Baltimore. | ||
| Like, I saw some shit, for sure. | ||
| But New Orleans, I saw the scariest shit I've ever seen with hookers and stuff. | ||
| I would have never thought that Baltimore was like a hardcore sort of a place. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Until like The Wire. | ||
| The Wire is real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And The Wire, you're like, whoa. | ||
| I grew up in New York. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I grew up in New York and I was in the city constantly. | ||
| Nothing ever happened in Baltimore. | ||
| I got robbed every way imaginable. | ||
| My car held up at gunpoint. | ||
| Our apartment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| It was like, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's fucking, it was nuts there. | ||
| I don't know if it's better now. | ||
| And I love Baltimore, but it's, you don't want to go to Central Booking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Baltimore. | ||
| They used to have a comedy club there. | ||
| They used to have an improv. | ||
| Do you remember going there, bro? | ||
| Oh, speaking of that. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I'll be in Baltimore this Sunday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you will? | |
| I think it's called the Comedy Factory. | ||
| Yeah, but I remember that improv. | ||
| Oh, you just remembered that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's the nicest time of year? | ||
| Washington, D.C. Baltimore's ass. | ||
| I was just saying, like, don't go to Baltimore. | ||
| And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm going there this Sunday. | ||
| I've been robbed. | ||
| I've been shot at. | ||
| And don't forget the South Beach comedy club. | ||
| And if you want to see my comedic stylings. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So you're going to be wearing Baltimore this Sunday? | ||
| I think it's called the Comedy Factory. | ||
| I'm really good at stuff. | ||
| Is that the old improv? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| If it's not in the actual space, it's right next to it. | ||
| It's where the improv used to be. | ||
| Power plant. | ||
| That was a fun little spot. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| That was coming up when I was in school and we were just little whores running around there. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it seems like. | ||
| It's a block away from Gay Street, which is like the strip club porn town. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| Fun place to go to college, for sure. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| That's where our boy John Rollo is. | ||
| Shout out to John Rollo who listens to the podcast. | ||
| He's from Baltimore. | ||
| Big up, John Rollo. | ||
| It's a weird accent, that Baltimore accent. | ||
| It's a fucking... | ||
| It's sort of city, but it's sort of country. | ||
| It's not cute. | ||
| It ain't cute. | ||
| You think it's bad coming out of the girls' mouths? | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| Please come out Sunday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I support everything you do as art. | |
| Everything you do as art. | ||
| You're a miracle. | ||
| Come out Sunday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a miracle. | |
| Buy my album. | ||
| Support me. | ||
| Do you have an album out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How can people get it? | ||
| iTunes? | ||
| iTunes. | ||
| It's called Cutting. | ||
| Cutting? | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| I love the album cover. | ||
| You're not buying my album, you liar. | ||
| I might buy it right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about that? | |
| How about what's up? | ||
| The album cover is awesome too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| It's her baking cupcakes and she has a black eye and she's dressed up like... | ||
| Oh, and this is the one where the lady didn't want to do the makeup, huh? | ||
| Yeah, she didn't want to do that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because she thought that you're making fun of violence? | ||
| I think so, but that's my favorite thing to do. | ||
| My sister and I used to go to Rangers games, and I would wear a neck brace, and I'd put two black eyes on her, and people would be like, what happened? | ||
| I'd be like, oh, we got into swimming with each other. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| One time we saw Jon Hamm, and we forgot that we had fucked ourselves up. | ||
| And he, like, was staring at us. | ||
| We were like, Jon Hamm was into our shit. | ||
| And then we're like, all right, we're all banged up. | ||
| Like, you're beat the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, we get worse and worse every game. | ||
| Like, we would try, if we got our hands in crutches, we would do anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| We just thought it was so fucking funny. | ||
| People were horrified by us. | ||
| Is that what got you into stand-up comedy, like just being a joker like that? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I've been a dickhead my whole life. | ||
| I've been a worthless dick my whole life. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I always had Saturday detention. | ||
| Did you have that, you know, like the breakfast club shit? | ||
| Yeah, it was me and all the kids that didn't speak English. | ||
| We didn't have Saturday detention, but I was in regular detention all the time. | ||
| Did you make it snow from your dandruff onto a pitcher? | ||
| Snow from your dandruff onto a picture, you dirty bitch. | ||
| Tell me you take a shower every now and again. | ||
| I'm not going to move here anymore. | ||
| I was talking about the breakfast club where they're all in Saturday school. | ||
| Oh, that moment that was important to you and nobody else? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| What a fuck. | ||
| Ally Sheedy? | ||
| Ally Sheedy was hot. | ||
| Is she a dandruff in that? | ||
| Yeah, remember she used to shake her hair and make it snow because of all her dandruff? | ||
| It was like the most disturbing thing from that movie. | ||
| That was the most disturbing thing? | ||
| Did you see dandruff? | ||
| Yeah, and it was a joke that it was snowing on a house that she drew or something. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| I must have missed that part. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| I don't think that was an important point. | ||
| I don't know if I actually watched that whole movie all the way through. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's one of those movies I probably watched like 20 minutes and then shut it off and then went back and watched the other 20 minutes another time. | ||
| I probably never finished it. | ||
| You don't like those movies? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was never into them. | ||
| They used to frustrate me when I was a kid. | ||
| When I was a kid, when those movies were coming out, all those 16 Candles, it's a very weird time in my life. | ||
| Because I would get annoyed at any feel-good, if I saw where it was going, I couldn't enjoy it. | ||
| I couldn't enjoy any sort of horse shit. | ||
| Happy ending? | ||
|
unidentified
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Any kind of movie where I felt like it was concocted. | |
| Those movies had some really dark shit, though. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm sure. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm trying to describe what I mean. | ||
| If you saw the happy ending coming at you? | ||
| Yeah, if I just felt like it was written. | ||
| I was just really super, super critical. | ||
| If you could see the writing. | ||
| I wouldn't have even enjoyed comic book movies back then. | ||
| Yeah, but that movie is like a, and you're the nerd, and you're the, you know, it was very clear. | ||
| Yeah, it was really like, yeah, this is the bad boy. | ||
| But the bad boy, like, in that movie, his dad was, like, putting, like, cigarettes out on him, and it was... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, that's, yeah, that is reality. | ||
| And the girl, Molly Ringwald, was like... | ||
| Yeah, I remember thinking it was really dark how she was kind of vilified just for having tits. | ||
| Like she was doing something to everybody just by having boobs. | ||
| Maybe if I saw it again. | ||
| I just remember I had really super critical taste back then. | ||
| Yeah, what did you like? | ||
| I was very critical about myself at this point in my life, and so I was really critical about everything I saw on TV and the movies. | ||
| It was just a weird time for me. | ||
| I was like, oh, the movie fucking sucks. | ||
| Were you like a comedy nerd? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| No, until I became a comedian. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Before that, I was a Richard Pryor nerd. | ||
| I would listen to Richard Pryor tapes with my girlfriend. | ||
| But then I really started doing it because... | ||
| Friends talked me into it, and because somebody described to me Sam Kinison. | ||
| The first Sam Kinison bid that I ever heard was done for me by a girl, a 19-year-old girl that I worked with. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't know why I know this story, but I do know this story. | ||
| Oh, you do? | ||
| I should have just pretended like I didn't know. | ||
| I probably told it on the podcast. | ||
| Yeah, you must have told it on the podcast. | ||
| Have I told that story, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| I think you did, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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The girl did the bit in the parking lot. | |
| It was such a funny bit that this girl, who wasn't even a comedian, did the bit in the parking lot. | ||
| I was like, wow, I wish I could come up with something that funny. | ||
| She did it enough justice that you fell in love with him just through her quoting it. | ||
| Yeah, she acted it out. | ||
| And she was hot. | ||
| It was really ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Because she's lying on her stomach in the parking lot. | ||
|
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And she's like, oh, you mean life keeps fucking the ass here after you're dead? | |
| Oh, oh, it never ends! | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| And he's like a short, fat guy that's doing this? | ||
| She's like, he's wearing an overcoat? | ||
| It's hilarious! | ||
| Shit. | ||
| And I was like, wow, I gotta check that guy out. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| She was making me laugh by doing an impression of the guy. | ||
| You know, that's when you know your shit's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or that that girl was pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, she was just super cool. | ||
| I think I probably couldn't do a Kenison in any dresses. | ||
| Especially that one. | ||
| Lying on your stomach. | ||
| In a parking lot. | ||
| Somebody would come try and help me out. | ||
| In a parking lot. | ||
| She was just such a preposterous scene. | ||
| She's talking about getting fucked in the ass, being a corpse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For folks who don't know what the bit is, Kenison had a joke about homosexual necrophiliacs that were paying for a couple hours undisturbed with the freshest male corpses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| They had been arrested for it. | ||
| So he did this whole bit about the guy being on a slab. | ||
| Like going, well, I guess that's it. | ||
| Now I'm dead. | ||
| I'm going to go be with Jesus. | ||
| And then he starts rocking back and forth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, hey, it feels like there's a dick in my ass! | |
| You mean life keeps fucking the ass even after you're dead? | ||
| It never ends! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It never ends! | |
| It's a fucking great bit. | ||
| So this girl's doing this on her stomach in the parking lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, oh my god, this is hilarious. | |
| She nailed it. | ||
| I wonder where she is now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who knows? | |
| Probably married. | ||
| A bunch of kids. | ||
| Surprise! | ||
| She's here! | ||
| We have her here! | ||
| Her pussy's dragging on the floor. | ||
| She's like, I can still do the bit! | ||
| I like the elephant man. | ||
| I can still do the bit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wanna see me do the bit? | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| When I worked at that health club, it was a really important moment for me. | ||
| When I was 18, 19 years old, I worked at the Boston Athletic Club. | ||
| I got to see Bobby Orr. | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| Famous hockey player. | ||
| I'd never seen anybody that had had more than 10 knee surgeries. | ||
| I'd never seen a professional athlete whose knees had been destroyed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got to watch this guy walk around. | ||
| He's a legend in Boston. | ||
| Legendary hockey player. | ||
| One of the greatest hockey players of all time. | ||
| And the poor guy could barely walk. | ||
| And I remember thinking, fuck, man. | ||
| You have to think about that when you're 18 years old and you're spry and you're all fucking bouncing around like a little rabbit. | ||
| You don't think that your legs can get so fucked up that you could be one of the greatest hockey players of all time and still you've taken so much damage and so many surgeries that you're hobbling along in agony everywhere you go. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's dark shit. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I just, I was talking to this guy who plays football and I was like, you'll probably like, don't you, I asked, I was like, don't you guys die young? | ||
| And he was like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I was like, I regretted it after I said it, but I just, it was a really legit question. | ||
| Like, like you just, you have a choice. | ||
| Like there's enough research and with the internet and stuff, you know now, like you are, you are really fucking yourself up. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a tough gig. | ||
| You know, any guy that chooses to use his body for any sport, you know, anything where you're trying to make a living just off your body in a competitive athletic environment. | ||
| Or like a ballerina. | ||
| You fuck yourself up. | ||
| How many guys get to be Baryshnikov? | ||
| How many dudes are like, I am going to be the next Baryshnikov? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Meanwhile, there's been thousands of them and no one gives a fuck. | ||
| It's like, who's going to be the next Lance Armstrong? | ||
| Guess what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Baryshnikov. | |
| Nobody. | ||
| No one. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Go into that fucking bike racing, try to get famous. | ||
| We're like, hey, asshole, we don't need to ride bikes, okay? | ||
| I just got a cortisone shot in my hip. | ||
| I like running, like I run, run, run, and I just, all of a sudden, my body was like, no, stop, stop. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| You know, that's just a pain thing. | ||
| You're still injured. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because I started running again for like three days. | ||
| I ran like I used to. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it came, the pain came back. | ||
| Like I hadn't even gotten the shot. | ||
| And then I haven't run since then. | ||
| So it's been, it hasn't hurt me. | ||
| Where are you having the pain? | ||
| It's in your hip? | ||
| Yeah, ran under the, like it's a muscle in my hip. | ||
| Oh, it's a muscle in your hip, for sure? | ||
| Yeah, it's a muscle. | ||
| I went and got x-rays. | ||
| That's scary shit. | ||
| I know people have had hip replacements. | ||
| That's fucking dark. | ||
| No, the x-rays look totally fine, but he was like, do you want a shot of cortisone? | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
| And I was so excited that my hip didn't hurt. | ||
| Oh, so you worked it out again? | ||
| It still doesn't hurt now, but when I was running again, it did. | ||
| What if you have to get an iron hip? | ||
| That'd be crazy. | ||
| Guys, I'm not getting a hip replacement. | ||
| It's not just an iron hip. | ||
| You know what they do? | ||
| They saw off the end of your bone where your socket is. | ||
| They literally saw it off and then they screw this fucking spike that goes deep, deep, deep like a foot into the bone with an artificial... | ||
| I don't know if it's a foot. | ||
| I didn't measure it. | ||
| Don't get crazy on me, internet. | ||
| But they screw this fucking long pipe into the bone and then it's this artificial hip socket that's on the top. | ||
| And sometimes it doesn't line up so good. | ||
| Like one leg might be just slightly bigger than the other leg because of it. | ||
| And when you're walking, you have this little fucking hitch to your stroke that you'll never get away with. | ||
| Like you'll never like walk normal for the rest of your life unless you want them to open you up and resize it again. | ||
| Alright, I'm gonna get out of here. | ||
| It's an artificial hip. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That is a bummer. | ||
| Yeah, and that's just the, you know, they're gonna be able to develop artificial everything in the future. | ||
| They made a titanium bone for a woman who had some sort of bone cancer and she lost her jaw and they created her a titanium jaw and apparently it functions just like the regular jaw. | ||
| It's better than her old jaw. | ||
| They insert it in place. | ||
| It's slightly heavier than the old jaw. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| That's actually a person's jaw that they've Alright, you know what? | ||
| This is not a safe environment. | ||
| This is not a safe place. | ||
| You have somewhere you have to go, don't you? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Thank you very much for coming on. | ||
| This has been awesome. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| You made me laugh so hard. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| This was super cool and I want you to do it as many times as you can whenever you're in town. | ||
| Please call me and let's fucking do this all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| And if you ever move to LA, for real, Brian has a whole network of these podcasts. | ||
| It's called the Death Squad Network. | ||
| You have a podcast whenever you want one. | ||
| We'll put you on immediately. | ||
| And when we put you on immediately, I'm telling you, everything will change. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| All your clubs, club dates will change significantly. | ||
| Medical marijuana license. | ||
| We'll get you a card. | ||
| And I'm on board. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Dude, you're hilarious. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, guys. | |
| Really, really cool having you on. | ||
| You're awesome. | ||
| See, it panned out, ladies and gentlemen, like I knew it would. | ||
| This podcast was brought to you by... | ||
| Fleshlights. | ||
| The Fleshlight. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I know. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogue. | ||
| You know the fucking drill. | ||
| Why do I have to say it at the beginning and the end? | ||
| Maybe you tuned in halfway and you didn't hear the first one. | ||
| You heard it. | ||
| I'm being rude. | ||
| I'm being rude. | ||
| And we're also brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T.com. | ||
| Makers of Alpha Brain. | ||
| Enter in the codename Rogan. | ||
| Get yourself 10% off. | ||
| Try the Shroom Tech Sport if you're an athlete. | ||
| Shroom Tech Immune and New Mood, a 5-HTP enhancement supplement that you shouldn't take if you're on antidepressants. | ||
| Alright! | ||
| We love you, dirty bitches! | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
| We've got a lot of people coming up in the show. | ||
| Sam Harris is coming up. | ||
| Be Real from Cypress Hills coming up. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons is coming up. | ||
| My pal from Boston. | ||
| We started out together back in the day. | ||
| Alright, that's it. | ||
| Bye everybody. | ||
| We love you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
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