Feb. 16, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:09:53
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Did you change the background? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, now you are. | |
| Yes, I did. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Fly me to the moon. | ||
| Don't sue me. | ||
| That's all I can say. | ||
| Can they sue for that much? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| They'll sue for whatever they want. | ||
| Probably get you just for the tone. | ||
| I bet you go... | ||
| They own that. | ||
| Those fucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those fucks. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| Someday, we're going to have Sam Harris on the podcast. | ||
| I had lunch with him today. | ||
| Famed neurosurgeon, prominent atheist, author, genius extraordinaire. | ||
| And on that day, The Fleshlight, I'm going to tell you what, we won't be talking about you. | ||
| You can't be able to sponsor that one? | ||
| He's sensitive to it. | ||
| And rightly so. | ||
| If people found his shit online and they went and researched that and we talked for the first 20 minutes about the flashlight. | ||
| Discredit him in some way. | ||
| Not sex. | ||
| Sex talk? | ||
| No. | ||
| But sex toy? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| What if we disguise it? | ||
| Like if we just talk about something else? | ||
| You know, like what if we disguise it as that? | ||
| Our deal with the Fleshlight was back when we only had one podcast a week. | ||
| And, you know, now we do often three podcasts a week and we still talk about the Fleshlight. | ||
| You know, we never tried to charge them more money ever. | ||
| I think if they skip a podcast, they're just going to have to deal with that shit. | ||
| Sometimes you have to if it's... | ||
| The content doesn't come up for it. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| I'm a huge supporter of the Fresh Light. | ||
| I really wish Sam could just sit here and we could talk about it like two intelligent people. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Is it fucking up? | ||
| These things suck, man. | ||
| We gotta get new ones. | ||
| The thing's like a limp dick. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| It's all floppy flop. | ||
| I got it now. | ||
| You got it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gotta talk right into that bitch. | ||
| Anyway, Fleshly is a solid product. | ||
| Everybody knows what it is. | ||
| You know the commercial. | ||
| You know the deal. | ||
| Brian pointed this out to me yesterday. | ||
| It's kind of freaking me out the other day. | ||
| It is the same thing. | ||
| I am saying the same thing. | ||
| So even though I'm trying not to say the same thing, I'm still saying the same thing. | ||
| Because ultimately, I have to say that to get you a discount, you go to JoeRogan.net and you click on the link and you enter in the code name Rogan. | ||
| All the other things. | ||
| You're saying just record it? | ||
| It might not be a bad idea, but people like this for whatever reason. | ||
| They like the fact that we don't. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| You're really talking. | ||
| I think it's just the certain parts where, especially when you're talking about Onnit, and you're like, steal your own products. | ||
| I know they know that, but there's people that are listening to this for the first time. | ||
| I know it sounds crazy. | ||
| To everybody else that's been on board from the beginning, we love you, we appreciate you very much, but we can't do a show just for you. | ||
| We have to do a show recognizing the fact that somebody might be tuning into this. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't like following shows. | ||
| I could never watch Dexter mid-season. | ||
| I'm not going to do it. | ||
| You lost me. | ||
| Because it all falls into each other. | ||
| I don't know who the fuck that guy is. | ||
| This girl. | ||
| Why is she calling him? | ||
| Why am I supposed to care? | ||
| I like that the whole years hold together year by year. | ||
| You might skip a season. | ||
| But you've got to watch them in order. | ||
| Someone could be tuning into this fucking show for the first time. | ||
| I don't want them to have to know a bunch of inside shit. | ||
| You know what my favorite thing is, is people are sitting on Twitter lately, is fleshlights stuffed into their mattresses and their beds and printouts of my face. | ||
| Like, above it, like on the mattress, so it looks like they're fucking it while looking at my face. | ||
| That's kind of hot. | ||
| Yeah, I like that. | ||
| Why not, bro? | ||
| As long as they're not mean. | ||
| As long as when they're done, they don't stab your picture and go fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I wish it wasn't guys, you know? | ||
| I wish it wasn't guys, yeah. | ||
| Maybe there's some girls out there fingering themselves to you. | ||
| I bet there are. | ||
| Just rubbing their finger by his vagina. | ||
| Listen, this podcast reaches a lot of human beings. | ||
| Hundreds and hundreds of thousands. | ||
| There's got to be one girl out there that's, oh, Brian's on. | ||
| She just fucking gets crazy. | ||
| She's probably one of those girls that claws at her pussy. | ||
| You ever watch like a porno where a girl, she's clawing at it. | ||
| You're like, hey, hey, hey, are you sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
- You don't. | |
| - What was that? | ||
| - Is that your phone? | ||
| - That's Brody. | ||
| - Brody. | ||
| Brody Stevens. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like when they claw at it, man. | ||
| That makes me uncomfortable. | ||
| You know, like if I was doing that, I would feel like I was being way too rough. | ||
| You know, and this girl's just digging in her own pussy like, oh, what's going on there? | ||
| Is that thing just numb? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that's what they say is actually some sort of a scientific thing. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| People that have, like, genital piercings, and, like, especially when they have a lot of them, that many of them, they believe it's connected to a disease where they don't feel things the same way we do. | ||
| They don't have the same amount of sensory input from pain, so they have to really hurt themselves to feel it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, in order to get it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's certain people that, you know, there's a broad spectrum of how the human body works and operates, and Sometimes the wonky thing is their pain doesn't work. | ||
| It doesn't work right. | ||
| And they want to experience pain. | ||
| So they'll pierce themselves, especially their genitals. | ||
| Besides sexual abuse, that's another thing with genital piercing. | ||
| Sexual abuse? | ||
| I thought it felt better for them. | ||
| Didn't you ever hear that? | ||
| Yeah, I've heard it with girls' clits and stuff like that. | ||
| But I always thought they were just crazy. | ||
| You know, but there's the video of the guy getting fucked to death by the horse, Mr. Hands, that guy's balls are all pierced up. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, like a three-ring binder. | ||
| How many times have you watched that video? | ||
| I've watched it many times. | ||
| You've studied the cinematography? | ||
| Yeah, I could tell if you fucked with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| If it was like the Zapruder film where you're trying to cut out scenes, I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what the... | ||
| The horse didn't come yet. | ||
| You cut some shit out. | ||
| You cut some shit out. | ||
| The horse came too quick. | ||
| The ball is bulging there, so you can tell it's still full of semen. | ||
| Onnit.com is our other sponsor, and I do have to say people are getting annoyed with these ads as well, but some people haven't heard them before, so I have to say it in a certain amount of order. | ||
| What, do you want to take a break in the middle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what do you want, folks? | ||
| What the fuck do you want me to do? | ||
| At least you're talking about it. | ||
| Remember radio hosts just go into their spiel in the middle? | ||
| Oh, it's the grossest thing. | ||
| It's PBS. Really? | ||
| I was listening to this Terrence McKenna interview, and he was on PBS, and every fucking five minutes, no bullshit, every five minutes, This is our fun drive, our big fun drive. | ||
| If you want to keep conversations going, this is a great conversation we're having right now with Terrence McKenna, please donate. | ||
| You can donate by bleh, bleh, bleh. | ||
| You can offer this and you get a cup. | ||
| You get your fresh air mug. | ||
| Was he in front of Terrence McKenna saying that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| And he kept doing it. | ||
| It was brutal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he just got away. | |
| It's like, I will pay you anything to not have you do that. | ||
| You're torturing people. | ||
| Nobody wants to hear that. | ||
| That's a ridiculous thing. | ||
| You're making people who are listening to an hour interview listen to six fucking commercials. | ||
| You stop it six times! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| You know I heard it already! | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Are you pestering me? | ||
| Who the fuck do you think you're reaching? | ||
| Are they the same people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do random people just start tuning in halfway through this fucking thing? | |
| They're shaking you down. | ||
| You asshole! | ||
| With boredom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cut it out! | |
| That's their weapon. | ||
| Yeah, it's dull. | ||
| Makes you want to kill them. | ||
| Give me your money. | ||
| I will bore you more. | ||
| You fucking delusional cunt. | ||
| And the only reason why they think they can get away with this is because we rely on public funding. | ||
| If they didn't rely on public funding, they'd be like, fuck you, man. | ||
| I'm not buying your shit. | ||
| You're asking me to buy your shit every six minutes? | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| Suck it! | ||
| Yeah, well, these commercials, probably after a few times, you'd probably think the same. | ||
| What happened from, like, the 15-minute, or 15-second spots and 30-second spots to, like, the 10-minute spots? | ||
| It seems like a jump one day. | ||
| You don't ever get to the products. | ||
| And we have to deal with controversy, too. | ||
| Controversy? | ||
| Yeah, there's always... | ||
| It's not just new products. | ||
| It's new products dealing with controversy. | ||
| Oh, one thing I can tell because of your voices, the discount code, Rogan, is only good the first time you use it. | ||
| Now it's good any time you use it. | ||
| So any time you use the code name Rogan, you get 10% off every time now. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's better. | ||
| And we have a whole new product line. | ||
| We're coming out with hemp protein and shit like that. | ||
| And we're going to start selling kettlebells. | ||
| Because kettlebells are expensive as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's so good. | |
| They're expensive as fuck for no reason, man. | ||
| You can get high quality ones made as long as you're selling them online. | ||
| We would do it not trying to bring them to stores and shit like that. | ||
| So we could sell them same quality, way cheaper than everybody else sells them. | ||
| You find out a lot of things when you start selling things, like how much money people make for shit. | ||
| One of the things about Onnit and AlphaBrain, people are like, why is it so expensive? | ||
| Our profit margin compared to most supplements is way lower. | ||
| The ingredients are very fucking expensive. | ||
| All the shit that we have in it is the best quality available. | ||
| We're really doing it like the worst way ever to make money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because we're saying you get 100% money back guarantee if you don't like it. | ||
| If you use it, it used to be you could buy up fucking 100 bottles and you wouldn't even have to send them back. | ||
| We would just give you your money. | ||
| But too many people were ripping us off. | ||
| They were selling them on eBay and shit, so we had to stop doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you order it and you don't like it, you don't have to send it back. | ||
| Just tell us, I didn't like it. | ||
| It didn't do anything for me. | ||
| Even something as strange as a vitamin. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| How do you know if a vitamin is doing something for you? | ||
| Do you really fucking know? | ||
| I mean, how much time does it take before you're so in tune with your body that you can tell when you have and have not a multivitamin inside you? | ||
| If it's a radioactive vitamin, you can tell. | ||
| Then you can tell. | ||
| But that said, if you take vitamins on a regular basis, you will notice a difference in your overall health. | ||
| I'm absolutely convinced of that. | ||
| That is my experience in my life. | ||
| I've read studies that say otherwise, but I've also seen studies that I know were influenced by bullshit, by pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| They've been trying to license nutraceuticals. | ||
| They've been trying to make it so that vitamins are prescription only for a long time. | ||
| That's something pharmaceutical companies have lobbied to try to do a couple of times. | ||
| Who would have the rights to only one thing? | ||
| The pharmaceutical companies would. | ||
| They would have the rights to sell vitamin C. If you wanted vitamin C, you would have to go get a prescription for it. | ||
| It's way worse than we have it now. | ||
| It's horrific! | ||
| You would have to go to doctors to get vitamins. | ||
| You know how fucking terrible that would be. | ||
| And you would have to give you a prescription for all of them. | ||
| I guess unless we had some open... | ||
| You would have to have things that are approved, and then those things that were approved, you would have an open prescription for any... | ||
| Extra dietary nutrients. | ||
| I mean, unless you would have it every time you wanted to get something. | ||
| Vitamin D? Why would you need a prescription? | ||
| Because they can make money off of it and they can keep supplement companies. | ||
| Right now, who gives it? | ||
| Just regular people? | ||
| That's the problem, is that they feel like it's not regulated enough. | ||
| And there's a good point to that. | ||
| There's a very good point to that, but it's way better than over-regulation, which is what it would be if you had to prescribe vitamins. | ||
| No one would get it. | ||
| People have figured out what works and what doesn't work. | ||
| There's a lot of scientific studies about the efficacy of all sorts of different multivitamins. | ||
| There's things that point to the fact that certain ones can help you in stress. | ||
| B12 gives you energy. | ||
| It's not nonsense. | ||
| There's a lot of reality in vitamins. | ||
| What you're doing is you're supplementing the essential parts of food that are healthy for you. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| And I have always been a person that has tried to, as much as I can, eat healthy. | ||
| And when I can't eat healthy, I make sure I'm always taking vitamins. | ||
| I notice a difference, man. | ||
| You've got to give your body a chance. | ||
| When Ari was doing jiu-jitsu, he was eating fucking hot dogs and shit, no vitamins, no nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day. | |
| Yeah, and he was getting injured all the time. | ||
| I was like, what are you eating? | ||
| What are you throwing in your body? | ||
| And I was like, yep, nachos, whatever. | ||
| See what's around. | ||
| So for now, if you're interested in nootropics, here's the spiel. | ||
| This is how I say it every week. | ||
| Google that shit. | ||
| Don't just buy our stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google it. | |
| There's a bunch of different companies out there. | ||
| I'm sure there's a bunch of good ones. | ||
| You don't need to buy our stuff. | ||
| If you think our stuff is too expensive, this is all you have to do. | ||
| Buy everything in bulk. | ||
| The ingredient list is all online and it's listed exactly how much is in of each different supplement. | ||
| So take the ingredients list. | ||
| Make your own. | ||
| Seriously, I'm 100% happy if people do that. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| If you buy it and you don't like it, you get 100% of your money back for the first order. | ||
| If you keep buying it and then you say, I didn't like this one either! | ||
| I didn't like this one! | ||
| Then I have a feeling that you're just fucking crazy. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Don't forget about higher primate. | ||
| You never talk about that. | ||
| That shit's awesome. | ||
| You ever going to have a sale? | ||
| See, I feel bad because it's like I'm sponsoring myself. | ||
| Yeah, but that's actually, you know, a lot of people I think would love some cool t-shirts. | ||
| Well, if you're in show monkeys and weed, and you probably are, who isn't, go to hire-primate.com. | ||
| That's my t-shirt company. | ||
| And I've actually been meaning to talk about this because we've got a whole new supply in. | ||
| Yeah, so it's all just weird cartoon monkeys that are getting high. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| I always wear them. | ||
| I got monkeys playing chess with aliens. | ||
| Monkeys doing mushrooms. | ||
| We've got new ones coming out, too. | ||
| New designs? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to have some new designs about monkeys and mushrooms. | ||
| Because I want to get some stoned ape theory type illustration where the monkeys are all gathered around a glowing mushroom. | ||
| I just got to get another guy to draw one up. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about a bunch of those monkeys passing a joint around and one dude has a thought bubble and he's like, oh, this one monkey? | ||
| Dude, that's a good idea. | ||
| And then he gets a thought of... | ||
| Whatever, I don't know, the Stoned Ape Theory was. | ||
| It's like Operator, though. | ||
| Like, it starts off with, like, a scribble, and then it turns into a banana. | ||
| That's a good idea, though, dude. | ||
| A monkey with a balloon in a joint line, and he's like, oh, shit, I got an idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good idea. | ||
| That's the theory they came up with. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| Or it could be a crazy idea. | ||
| So crazy it would work. | ||
| So crazy that if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Fleshlight link, and enter in the code name Rogan, you get 10% off! | ||
| From now and for every order in the future. | ||
| For a fleshlight. | ||
| For a fleshlight. | ||
| Proper. | ||
| Eternity. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| Times a million. | ||
| Hit that shit, bitch. | ||
| Let's start this fucking disaster off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day! | ||
| Was that Nick Diaz? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said that after he beat BJ Penn. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Isn't that the coolest thing ever? | ||
| It is. | ||
| Yeah, he said that after he beat BJ Penn. | ||
| We're like, oh shit, we gotta get a recording of that. | ||
| Any upcoming fighters, if you want to have your own Joe Rogan experience opening, just say it after you win. | ||
| And we'll put you on there. | ||
| We'll stick it in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll give you some propers. | |
| So, Silva... | ||
| Oh yeah, some jetwaterpipes.com sent us the coolest bong ever. | ||
| That was that high-tech one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's exactly like Dyson for bongs. | ||
| Even their website, if you go to their website, it's just like a Dyson website. | ||
| It's so nicely crafted. | ||
| You don't have to pull out the carb for it to take a hit. | ||
| You just push down this little thing and it opens up the carb for you. | ||
| It's an awesome bong. | ||
| I've used many, many bongs before, but that one is just... | ||
| Tight. | ||
| I want to get wet really bad. | ||
| They took it to the next level. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They did. | ||
| How do you clear out that bowl? | ||
| You pull down a little... | ||
| The stem has like a little lever on it. | ||
| And then you pull it down. | ||
| Pop it out? | ||
| Oh, the bowl just unscrews. | ||
| The bowl just unscrews. | ||
| Okay, and you can wash it out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it won't break either. | ||
| It's not made as super delicate shit. | ||
| I broke the bond that's at the desk. | ||
| Ice house. | ||
| Ice house. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Knocked it over to my core like a retard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And bong water smells awesome. | ||
| Bong water smells horrible. | ||
| I peed on it. | ||
| There's no way you're cleaning that out every day. | ||
| You gotta get some of that stuff that you get at Petco for when your cat pisses. | ||
| That's what I use. | ||
| That's so funny you said that. | ||
| I use that. | ||
| You ever have a cat that pisses in your house? | ||
| Yeah, we talked about it a couple weeks ago. | ||
| I pissed all over my fucking bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| And my fucking couch I just found out. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| Like he's trying to tell you something. | ||
| Like you're a punk? | ||
| What did I tell you? | ||
| You know, it had a urinary infection of some kind and that's where it was from because now she's not doing it. | ||
| They use that as an excuse. | ||
| I think they're just like pissing on you. | ||
| Yeah, I think they get mad. | ||
| The urinary tract infection doesn't make them pee in one specific spot. | ||
| It just bothers them because they blame you. | ||
| When they put like a bird on your pillow, that's them trying to give you a gift. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Or in your front doorstep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're presenting that to you and letting you know they like you. | ||
| My other theory is that my dog has been at Varon's house for the last couple weeks. | ||
| And so the dog, when it's usually in town, just starts chasing the cat. | ||
| So I think because now that the dog's gone, the cat's like, oh yeah, I'm going to pee on where you always like to sit. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| So wait a minute. | ||
| Are you leaving the cat alone by itself a lot? | ||
| No, I mean, the dog's just hanging out with Varon's dog at her house so they can play together all the time. | ||
| Right, but are you ever at Varon's house and not at your house for extended periods of time? | ||
| No, not more than a day or so. | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| But yeah, I've left them. | ||
| Even a day. | ||
| I left them for weeks. | ||
| Yeah, but he knows the dog's not there. | ||
| So he should be all lonely or weirdly lonely. | ||
| Well, it's got two cats. | ||
| Don't they hate each other, though? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's just one's a boy and one's an old lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's as old. | |
| She told me the old one hates the other one, though. | ||
| She's over it. | ||
| She hates everyone. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| She hates the dog, hates most people. | ||
| What a bitch. | ||
| Yeah, fucking old cats get fucking... | ||
| Either they stay cool or they just become a psycho. | ||
| When chicks get old, when they get like 45, they start hating 20-year-olds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| Really normal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's in dogs, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she's stupid. | |
| Shut up, oldie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| People get real angry. | ||
| Women get angry when you don't want to fuck them anymore. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| Especially if they've put like a big part of who they are. | ||
| In that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Invested in that. | ||
| The big part of their identity and people wanting to fuck them. | ||
| Is that I'm hot or whatever that is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When that shit goes away, man. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| You better cash in. | ||
| I would have loved to have seen, do you remember, who was that woman? | ||
| She was in Body Heat, Kathleen Turner. | ||
| Do you remember what she looked like when she was young? | ||
| Yeah, what was she in? | ||
| Romance in the Stone? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I think Body Heat was, or was that Sharon Stone? | ||
| Was Sharon Stone Romance in the Stone? | ||
| She was one of them. | ||
| She was the fake one with Michael Douglas. | ||
| They were both the same people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it? | |
| Wasn't there a fake one? | ||
| The War of the Roses came later. | ||
| No, there was like two. | ||
| I guess I'm thinking that Romancing the Stone is like a fake Indiana Jones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| I guess that's what it is in my head. | ||
| No, it was like a little comedy. | ||
| I just remember sliding down the legs in between the heads. | ||
| I feel like there was a fake one with Sharon Stone. | ||
| Like a similar... | ||
| Maybe that's body heat. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean like a similar sort of like romance, sort of a swashbuckler adventure type movie. | ||
| Like really similar. | ||
| The only thing I remember else she did was Sliver. | ||
| And I was just like, oh, she was so hot and based against Stink. | ||
| And Sliver was such a letdown. | ||
| I remember when I saw Total Recall that you're like, she was barely, I mean she was in it, but not like it wasn't like a main, and you're like, wait, who's that girl? | ||
| Right. | ||
| She was so hot in the first Basic Instinct, but in the second one she was so gross. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because she was trying to be hot and sexy again. | ||
| And it was just like a bomb. | ||
| It looked like a bomb that was seconds from going off. | ||
| That's the comfort level. | ||
| The shell's breaking apart. | ||
| That's the comfort level that you would have if you fucked her. | ||
| It would be that feeling where you were terrified that you were going to just stick your dick in her and she was just going to crumble into dust and her soul would screech away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| She crossed her legs, she did that same crossing the legs thing, and you're like, hey, what the fuck? | ||
| Oh, this is not right! | ||
| It was like she was trying to be sexy and slinky, and there's a completely different kind of sexy that older ladies have. | ||
| They can still pull off some sexy. | ||
| Women even in their 50s can still pull off some sexy. | ||
| The graduate lady was pretty sexy, but she wasn't 50. You gotta be like, you gotta like slowly creep up on a dude and like endear yourself with your affection. | ||
| You can't like spread your legs like you're 20 anymore. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| Not only does it, I gotta think of how many times have you done that? | ||
| How many times have you done that over the years? | ||
| Do you have creases on the sides of your thighs from opening your legs as wide as possible so many thousands of times a year? | ||
| Is that what the fuck's going on here? | ||
| You're 50 years old and you're showing me your pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Slow down. | ||
| That's a jewel. | ||
| That's a gift. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does that happen? | |
| Of course it happens. | ||
| Of course it happens, dude. | ||
| Of course it happens. | ||
| Remember when we were in Boston at that chickopee place? | ||
| And that crazy little redneck lady was like, You want to see my tits? | ||
| And we're like, I know you want to see my boobs. | ||
| We do not. | ||
| We do not. | ||
| We're on the record as we don't. | ||
| Well, here they are. | ||
| And they're just flying and hanging. | ||
| They were disgusting. | ||
| She had no idea. | ||
| She didn't know that what she was showing us was a horror show. | ||
| She didn't know. | ||
| She thought it was something sexy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Look at them there, there. | ||
| There, there, right there. | ||
| She had breastfed like nine children. | ||
| They were monstrous. | ||
| They were fat and they were flat at the same time. | ||
| They were everything that's wrong in a tit. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| I barely remember. | ||
| I just want us to see them. | ||
| Remember we had a run out the side door? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When the second show, we didn't even stick around. | ||
| There were so many knuckleheads in that crowd. | ||
| Stupid fucking room. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| Fucking packing up their Chinese food as they're on stage doing jokes. | ||
| Brown bags are stuffing them full of leftover Chinese food. | ||
| Trying to deliver the stuff you've worked on for two years. | ||
| Ari Shaffer, a little bit of a prima donna. | ||
| Me, I had a good time. | ||
| You wouldn't go back there, the headline, if they called you? | ||
| No. | ||
| They'll never call you again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not a place for comedy. | |
| It's not a place for comedy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, I wouldn't go back either. | ||
| I stopped doing those rooms. | ||
| Yeah, well, it wasn't the best room. | ||
| Didn't a girl go on stage? | ||
| She just stepped right on stage. | ||
| Somebody just went on stage to take a picture with me. | ||
| Okay, just take a picture, I guess. | ||
| I was probably the same girl. | ||
| She walked on stage in the middle of my set and wanted to take a picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, bitch, get the fuck out of here. | |
| What do you never see anybody outside of your neighborhood before? | ||
| Do you have all your teeth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I take a picture with you? | |
| The western Massachusetts is very tricky. | ||
| Parts of it are beautiful, like Amherst, where UMass is. | ||
| Fucking gorgeous town. | ||
| Great town. | ||
| It's a cool, like, it's a really interesting place because it's really intelligent. | ||
| And, you know, because of the college, it's pretty much any college town is going to have a higher level of intellect or at least curiosity. | ||
| Cambridge, great place. | ||
| Amazing place. | ||
| But that's, you know, the city of Boston, essentially. | ||
| It's just a suburb of it. | ||
| But when you're in Boulder, perfect example. | ||
| Boulder, great town. | ||
| One of the reasons why it's a great town and so people are so smart there is because the university is there. | ||
| It always helps having a university in a town. | ||
| But god damn it doesn't make a bunch of fucking bleeding hearts too. | ||
| Bunch of liberal pussies, too. | ||
| That's the other problem. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You can't have it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, in town? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's not a lot of manly intellectuals in those towns. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It becomes really... | ||
| I don't want to say manly. | ||
| If you're fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got too much liberal in there, you pussy. | |
| Because at a certain point, you grow up to the point where you're like, if you bump into somebody, you're like, oh, sorry, I didn't do that on purpose, did you? | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| You just walk away. | ||
| You don't have to fucking fight like a fucking dummy. | ||
| No, that's not what I mean. | ||
| What I mean is there's too many hippies. | ||
| There's too many people that don't have their shit together. | ||
| There's too many people like, man, I don't even need many men. | ||
| I just need this backpack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people start tolerating those people. | ||
| Like, dude, okay, yeah, society's not perfect. | ||
| You're right, you're right, it's not perfect. | ||
| But you can't camp here. | ||
| You can't camp in front of my house. | ||
| You've got to get the fuck out of here. | ||
| There's too much of that there. | ||
| There's too much of people who only want to look at the super liberal, super open-minded point of view. | ||
| And a really interesting, I think I already talked about this, but there was that Rick Santorum guy was doing a debate Not a debate, but a thing. | ||
| We're sitting in front of a really liberal college in New Hampshire, and he was talking, and they were talking to him about marriage. | ||
| And he's like, I think marriage is between a man and a woman. | ||
| They say, why can't it be between a man and a man? | ||
| And he goes, okay, what about this? | ||
| What about three men? | ||
| Is that still marriage? | ||
| No, no, that's different. | ||
| Who's to say? | ||
| So why can't it be three men? | ||
| Why can't it be three men? | ||
| It's a really good point. | ||
| No, but why can't it be? | ||
| Why can't it be? | ||
| It should be a lot too. | ||
| When people say, what is next? | ||
| A dog? | ||
| Like, yeah, okay. | ||
| Unless you clearly see the dog doesn't want it. | ||
| The dog, I don't think so because the dog can't say, yes, I do. | ||
| How about a tree? | ||
| No. | ||
| She's fine. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| As a union between human beings. | ||
| Two people to consent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A loving union between human beings. | ||
| Why can't you have three? | ||
| Why can't you have four? | ||
| Yeah, four or five. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But these people were... | |
| I remember Roseanne Barr and what's his name? | ||
| Married Sandra Bernhardt, the other lady. | ||
| And Tom Arnold married somebody else. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, like together they married her. | ||
| Oh, I don't remember that at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Yeah, but these people didn't want to hear it. | ||
| They're like, you know, you're being irrelevant. | ||
| He's like, why? | ||
| I'm saying it's a man and a woman. | ||
| It's been a man and a woman for thousands of years. | ||
| You're saying it should be a man and a man. | ||
| And I'm saying, why not two men? | ||
| How about two women? | ||
| Can three women get married? | ||
| Can a man marry three women? | ||
| And he's right. | ||
| Why can't they? | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| They should be wine and wine. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The social stigma of it should be everything. | |
| Who cares? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| If people look at you and go, look at this crazy asshole with his three wives. | ||
| I don't even want to hang around with him. | ||
| That should be his punishment. | ||
| I don't get why you shouldn't be allowed to. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| The only punishment should be, if people think it's weird, those people won't like you. | ||
| That's the only punishment. | ||
| But these people, it was really fascinating the way they were treating that dilemma in the audience. | ||
| You know, they couldn't see that. | ||
| It was just as close-minded as the people, the guy was anti-gay marriage. | ||
| It was just as close-minded. | ||
| They're like, no, you're being irrelevant. | ||
| This is pointless. | ||
| This is straw man. | ||
| Straw man argument, man. | ||
| I think they should be allowed to do that stuff. | ||
| They totally should be allowed to do that stuff. | ||
| Here's my theory on why people are against... | ||
| Changing the marriage ideas, changing gay marriage to include it. | ||
| It's because they value their type of marriage, and when you allow other people to enter it, that is not your type of marriage, the one man or one girl, it cheapens the value of what you have. | ||
| I would say that might be true, but if that was the case, how come nobody got mad at The Bachelor, or Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, or any of those fucking stupid shows? | ||
| I mean, if anything... | ||
| Did devalue what marriage is. | ||
| It's drive-through marriage casinos in Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm sure they didn't like that when they heard about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it's legal. | |
| Yeah, but that's totally legal. | ||
| How come you're not fighting that? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I mean, you could just drive into a place and Elvis can marry you in Vegas. | ||
| What are they just holding on? | ||
| They're just holding on to like, it's just this way. | ||
| This is what I have in common that you don't... | ||
| It's a man and a girl. | ||
| It's just people are assholes. | ||
| They care about stupid shit. | ||
| Why would you care? | ||
| You know, look... | ||
| I don't give a fuck what anybody else does. | ||
| The only reason I got married is because it makes my wife feel good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She likes it. | |
| That's the only reason anybody gets married. | ||
| That's why women like it. | ||
| Women like it. | ||
| They like to be able to tell their friends they're married. | ||
| Look, I had kids with her and I'm not going anywhere. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I'm super happy. | ||
| Written on paper or not, I'm not going anywhere, but when you see things written on paper, for some people it has this extra significance, or culturally you're allowed to say, no, we're married. | ||
| This is the level of commitment. | ||
| And the fact that you're legally entangled, even though it's a ridiculous notion to get legally entangled with a person, especially when 60% of them get divorced and have to lose all their money trying to sort out their funds. | ||
| They're not going to last. | ||
| Yeah, most of them. | ||
| The show they are not going to last. | ||
| So why should you get involved? | ||
| Because you love someone so much. | ||
| That's how my approach was. | ||
| I'm willing to do your ridiculous shit. | ||
| Financially marry them forever? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But in looking at it that way, in just discussing it, it's all ridiculous. | ||
| All marriage is ridiculous. | ||
| What matters is, how do you feel about a person? | ||
| Do you love them? | ||
| Do you love being around them? | ||
| Do you express that? | ||
| Do you have something really special together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| It doesn't have to be written down, and a bunch of other assholes get to agree that you're legit now. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking silliness. | ||
| And so, why would gay people want it? | ||
| The only reason is for insurance purposes, so you can physically do sick ones in the hospital, loved ones. | ||
| We should be able to do that with a boyfriend or girlfriend. | ||
| Or a best friend. | ||
| How about if you don't have a loved one, and you're my only friend in town, and if I get sick, I'll say, please contact Ari Shafir. | ||
| I don't have parents. | ||
| Ari Shafir's my best friend. | ||
| If you contact him, why can't you do that? | ||
| What if you move in with a chick after like three weeks? | ||
| Then you have to go to the hospital. | ||
| You're like, fucking let her visit. | ||
| What are you trying to say? | ||
| Abortion? | ||
| Is that what you were leaning? | ||
| Is gay marriage legal in Canada? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty across the board. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people don't know though. | ||
| Of course it should be legal. | ||
| Of course it's silly. | ||
| But here's why. | ||
| When it devalues their marriage, I feel like it's the same as when a black person moves onto your block and it devalues the property of your home. | ||
| And that's exactly what you're sort of doing. | ||
| You're like, I don't want them here. | ||
| What if, you know, like Neil Tyson moved in on your neighborhood? | ||
| That doesn't devalue your home at all. | ||
| You would think it would help, but it does. | ||
| Do you really think that would devalue it? | ||
| It was Neil Tyson. | ||
| The really famous astrophysicist. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Black guy. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Super genius dude. | ||
| You've never seen him? | ||
| Great YouTube clips. | ||
| How could it? | ||
| He's a super genius. | ||
| You know how it could. | ||
| Super racist. | ||
| Wouldn't know. | ||
| They drive by and go, oh. | ||
| And he has kids. | ||
| They assume his kids will steal. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| How long is that going to be around for? | ||
| He's fighting his tongue. | ||
| How long is that going to be around for? | ||
| We had these people move under my block. | ||
| It was a nice black family and then their kids inherited it after a while and they were a little, I don't know, wherever they were from, but they were more party people and they had a car parked in there with some bullet holes in it. | ||
| So my mom just started referring to them as the murderers. | ||
| The murderers? | ||
| The murderers' homes. | ||
| They had a car with some bullet holes in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| We didn't see that in the... | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Who shouted at them? | ||
| Did you ever ask them? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| They didn't talk to the murderers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Those are the murderers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I didn't think they were murderers, but that's how she casually referred to them. | ||
| That's how you were trained, though. | ||
| That was in your little head growing up. | ||
| It is fascinating how much, how few white people can relate to really poor black people in crime-ridden neighborhoods. | ||
| It's more like District 9 than it is your life. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude, really bad neighborhoods. | ||
| Like, you've seen, well, especially like in Africa. | ||
| You've seen the documentaries. | ||
| You ever seen the Vice piece on Liberia? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| They just ended their war. | ||
| Do you want to think it's the end of the world? | ||
| Watch the Vice piece on Liberia where they're eating regular cannibalism. | ||
| Normal, regular cannibalism. | ||
| And this guy, one of the guys... | ||
| This is during the war? | ||
| Yeah, they talk about... | ||
| It's children. | ||
| They would kill children. | ||
| They would go over there and kill the children, sacrifice them, eat their heart while they were alive, drink their blood, because it made them like... | ||
| They believed that it made them invulnerable in battle. | ||
| Charles Taylor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| He was a crazy dictator, but nobody knows him just because his name is too normal. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who was he? | |
| He was that dictator in Liberia that took power. | ||
| Charles Taylor. | ||
| It was vicious. | ||
| What a brilliant move, just to have a really normal sounding name. | ||
| Nobody knows him. | ||
| Way worse than Gaddafi or any of these people we thought were bad. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| What was his story? | ||
| He led all that stuff. | ||
| What was his name again? | ||
| Charles what? | ||
| Charles Taylor. | ||
| Oh, maybe I'm too stoned. | ||
| I better be. | ||
| I think that's the guy who makes Converse All-Stars? | ||
| Chuck Taylor. | ||
| That's Chuck Taylor. | ||
| It sure wasn't Dave Taylor. | ||
| Yeah, Liberia. | ||
| Charles Taylor. | ||
| Yeah, not too stoned. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| You nailed it. | ||
| But paranoid that I got it wrong. | ||
| He was the 22nd president of Liberia from 1997 until his resignation in 2003. My friends in college had to flee. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Scary fucking place, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ, is Africa scary? | ||
| There's so many spots that are so goddamn scary. | ||
| They do what they want. | ||
| Why did your people take down Tower 7? | ||
| Well, we talked about it. | ||
| After a while, we realized, you know, I may as well just take everything down. | ||
| I thought it was an insurance thing. | ||
| An insurance thing? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's like, it was old. | ||
| Fucking knock it down. | ||
| You can't do anything with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it is? | |
| Top two gone. | ||
| Just knock it down. | ||
| You just decided it'd be better if it was a total loss? | ||
| Yeah, they probably ran it like a slump. | ||
| Could you imagine if you actually did have buildings already set up? | ||
| If every building was set up with explosives? | ||
| So at any point they could just... | ||
| Yeah, so you don't have to rig it. | ||
| That was like a thing. | ||
| Well, when you want to get your building demolished, here's a good thing. | ||
| You just press this button and the building goes away. | ||
| And you just have to hire some monkeys to fucking pick up the pieces. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine if that's how they did every building. | ||
| They couldn't because everybody would be like, people would be just trying to blow up every building. | ||
| Was there another plane that was supposed to go that way? | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| When was that going to happen? | ||
| They knocked it off too fast. | ||
| Well, I mean, there was a bunch of planes. | ||
| One of them that got shot down that was supposedly, they don't know where that was headed. | ||
| They might have been headed for the White House. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they said was headed south, though. | ||
| That was 93. That was the one that they said that the people brought it down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's rolled. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| Not... | ||
| Yeah, Rumsfeld actually made a mistake in an interview and said it got shot down. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said, you know, in 93, they shot down 93, Flight 93. He, like, said it before. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And there's a lot of people that are positive that it was shot down because of how far the debris was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The debris went as far as, like, seven miles from where... | ||
| And so it was just going... | ||
| Yeah, and then they made that, you know, that whole story, that let's roll thing. | ||
| I've heard that before, and my thought on that was like, that'd be okay if they shut that down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, clearly, by the other three, like, it's gonna be... | ||
| It's going to fly into something. | ||
| You have to shoot it down. | ||
| It's a tough choice, but you've got to do that. | ||
| There were eyewitnesses that said that they saw fighter jets. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Either way, it's horrific if they crashed. | ||
| It's horrific if it got shot down. | ||
| But somehow or another, people want to know about the mystery. | ||
| The mystery of what happened. | ||
| Do you think as they were starting to hijack, someone was in mid-conversation going, Do you know they checked my bag? | ||
| They checked the whole fucking bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| No, because it was pre-9-11. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't check things as much. | |
| They're probably still too much security for a lot of people. | ||
| Some people were probably upset. | ||
| My take on it is when Bush told the whole story, the whole let's roll story, that the guy said, let's roll, as they got out and they were going to go fight the terrorists and they brought the plane down. | ||
| My bullshit alarm was hit. | ||
| like that's a little too honorable it was like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding my bullshit alarm was just going off I was like, this is a story. | ||
| I have no idea, but it does sound like a great story. | ||
| This is like Jessica Lynch. | ||
| Remember they had that story where they said that they had rescued her in a hail of gunfire because she was being imprisoned by the Iraqis and they saved her, this brave, pretty girl. | ||
| When it turns out she was actually in a hospital, there was no gunfire at all. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was horseshit. | ||
| They made up a horseshit story. | ||
| And she came out public with it. | ||
| And people gave her death threats because she went against the story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, dude, she got a lot of death threats. | ||
| What was the story? | ||
| Her story was quite simple. | ||
| There was some sort of a firefight or some sort of a military incident where she was injured. | ||
| She was brought into a hospital. | ||
| They came and got her from the hospital, and they brought her back home. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's her story. | ||
| That's what really happened. | ||
| What the United States said was that they had to go and rescue her. | ||
| And they went in guns blazing to go get one of our own. | ||
| And that didn't happen? | ||
| That did not happen. | ||
| What did happen? | ||
| Just that? | ||
| Just they went and got her at the hospital. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| They went to the hospital, got her, brought her home. | ||
| She was in a local hospital. | ||
| She was in a hospital in Iraq. | ||
| And they concocted a crazy story pretending that they had rescued her. | ||
| But they got there and they were like, Americans, here she is. | ||
| And then another example is that football player. | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| Pat. | ||
| Maybe somebody in Human Resources is really gay and he's just like, oh my god, they went in there and they just destroyed everything. | ||
| He just writes these press releases that are just over-examined. | ||
| It might be just a guy. | ||
| I'm sure it's one person and one group actually gets to decide what the story would be. | ||
| But the point of it is there's... | ||
| Pat's almost friendly fire, right? | ||
| But they made him a hero first? | ||
| Yeah, they made him a hero first. | ||
| I think it's normal for them. | ||
| It's standard operational procedure for them to lie. | ||
| So anytime they get a situation to bullshit and spin the truth, it seems to be the precedent. | ||
| It seems to be what they do. | ||
| Whenever there's some sort of a situation and then they tell you a story, you can't prove that the let's roll is not real. | ||
| Why did it have to go down? | ||
| That's what I always wondered. | ||
| If they took over the plane, why did it go down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because they fought bitterly like Americans. | |
| We're going to die! | ||
| We're going to die! | ||
| Pow and pow! | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't want to believe that they would lie that much. | ||
| But I do believe that they would shoot out a jet. | ||
| That they could, though. | ||
| If they thought it was coming to the White House, they would shoot that jet down. | ||
| I think you should. | ||
| I think you probably should, too. | ||
| It's going to kill the people anyway. | ||
| It's like you're making a decision. | ||
| People can't take control of the jet. | ||
| It's a tough decision, but they've just had three attacks. | ||
| They can't talk to this plane. | ||
| They have no communication with it. | ||
| It's going out of where it's supposed to fly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See if you can pull up the audio. | ||
| Pull up the audio of Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 Shot Down. | ||
| Just pull up that. | ||
| Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 Shot Down. | ||
| I think it's on YouTube. | ||
| Of course, it could have also been a slip. | ||
| I fuck up all the time. | ||
| I'll say to you, I'll say, Brian, why'd you do that? | ||
| He called Ari Brian. | ||
| I'll be like, no, I didn't. | ||
| Because you don't even realize you did. | ||
| Rumsfeld's in the military, too, right? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| He served in the military at some point? | ||
| Rumsfeld? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I thought all those old guys did it. | ||
| They're all chicken hawks. | ||
| No, no, that's the thing about all of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If the people who bombed the best ball in Mosley, or the people who did the bombing in Spain, or the people who attacked the United States in New York, shot down the plane over Pennsylvania and attacked the Pentagon... | |
| Shot down the plane over Pennsylvania. | ||
| No, because he's referring to the people who did the bad things. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds like he was saying brought down the plane, like shot down. | ||
| Yeah, like they brought it down, they died. | ||
| But he was talking about the bad people. | ||
| They wouldn't be the ones who would have shot it down anyway. | ||
| Yeah, that's a bad video. | ||
| Okay, so now we know. | ||
| He didn't really say that. | ||
| I smoked moth poop today. | ||
| By accident? | ||
| There was this huge moth about this big that's been outside of my back patio for the last couple of days and it hasn't moved like a word at all. | ||
| So I've been looking at it every day. | ||
| A word? | ||
| I mean, hasn't moved at all. | ||
| I don't know what I was trying to say there. | ||
| Hasn't moved a word at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was really cool because it's fur. | ||
| Like there's like a little patch that had like cheetah. | ||
| Chia? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a cheetah? | ||
| Oh, I see like the pattern was like cheetah and then there was like these weird parts that look like almost like feathers of like an owl It was just really weird like looking at it every day And then today I shut the door really hard and it fell down and it just started vibrating for about ten minutes Like it wasn't dead It was just vibrating. | ||
| So I'm just sitting there looking at it, and then it shits out this orange, fluorescent orange thing. | ||
| I think it was shit, but it was fluorescent orange. | ||
| It looked really weird. | ||
| It didn't look real. | ||
| And then it flew away out of nowhere. | ||
| So I'm sitting there like, what the fuck is that orange stuff? | ||
| Is it shit? | ||
| It flew away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it fell on the ground, had an epileptic seizure, shit all over itself, and then flew away. | ||
| It just shit out like a super, super small little bubble of fluorescent orange shit. | ||
| And so I'm sitting there playing with it with a match stick, and I'm just looking at the orange shit, and I put it on the end of my cigarette and smoked it. | ||
| I don't know why I did it. | ||
| Just to see what would happen. | ||
| You got a real problem, buddy. | ||
| It was weird looking. | ||
| It was orange. | ||
| See, people are thinking there's a show on March 3rd, you fuck. | ||
| People keep saying, Mark 3rd, the New York... | ||
| Fucked up on the calendar. | ||
| It's May, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| For people asking about... | ||
| There is a March 3rd show in Brea, California, but we had it listed as March 3rd and 4th, or whatever the fuck it was, in New York City. | ||
| And it's not. | ||
| New York City's May, so I apologize for that. | ||
| What's the venue you're doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some theater. | ||
| What is it, Brian? | ||
| Do you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't know. | |
| Well, there's a UFC on Fox in New Jersey. | ||
| Manhattan Center. | ||
| So we're at the Manhattan Center. | ||
| And then at the Tabernacle in Atlanta on 420. Oh, shit! | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I'm trying to do my special there. | ||
| I'm just trying to organize it as quickly as possible. | ||
| It's on April 20th, too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's like I have to. | ||
| I feel like I have to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like I have to. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| You should do that. | ||
| And all the people will be there, right? | ||
| I think that's what Doug Benson does every year. | ||
| What, tapes a special every year on 420? | ||
| Yeah, I think he tapes a CD on 420, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one is more like marijuana connected. | ||
| It's inexorable. | ||
| It's inexorable. | ||
| You can't pull the marijuana from Doug. | ||
| You can't recognize where does Doug end and the marijuana begin? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where does the marijuana begin and Doug end? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This last time, that last Ice House, he seriously, from the beginning to the end, did not stop. | ||
| Packing bowl, smoking, packing bowl, smoking. | ||
| Whenever people ask Doug Benson, are you good? | ||
| I'm like, would you just give him another pipe, please? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Let him start refusing you. | ||
| What's really crazy is there's a conspiracy that he doesn't really smoke weed. | ||
| Because I guess he got on some show somewhere and gave a half-hearted bong hit. | ||
| And they're like, he's not! | ||
| He's a fake! | ||
| He's a fake stoner! | ||
| That is completely not right. | ||
| Remember Donald Sutherland in Invasion of Body Snatchers when he found the woman at the end? | ||
| He pointed her out. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| I don't think I saw that. | ||
| Well, it's like everybody had become one of the aliens. | ||
| They had been taken over by the body snatchers. | ||
| But a few people stayed awake and were surviving by figuring out how to stay awake. | ||
| And this woman came up to Donald Sutherland because they were in the resistance together. | ||
| And she was like, I finally got free. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| And he looked at me and went, because he had been taken over. | ||
| I never saw that movie. | ||
| Invasion of the Body Snatchers, dude. | ||
| Is that a zombie movie? | ||
| No, it's an alien movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These pods, dude, it's dope. | |
| Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Donald Sutherland is a fucking great movie. | ||
| They did it with, not Meg Tilly? | ||
| Yeah, Meg Tilly or Jennifer Tilly. | ||
| I think it was Meg Tilly. | ||
| Meg Tilly was the real kind of innocent one and Jennifer Tilly was kind of like the dirtier one. | ||
| The ditzy one, yeah. | ||
| Ditzy and dirty. | ||
| She plays poker. | ||
| I think it was Meg, yeah. | ||
| She's apparently like a serious pro, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We met her in Open Anthony. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She was cool. | ||
| But Meg Tilly was her sister and her sister was the star of the, there was a more modern version I remember getting a little action movie-y. | ||
| It wasn't as good as the first one. | ||
| The Donald Sutherland one is the shit. | ||
| That's back when Donald Sutherland was just a... | ||
| Fucking killer actor, too. | ||
| And he still is. | ||
| Animal House. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Donald Sutherland was fucking awesome, man. | ||
| That Evasion of the Biostanters. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| I'm going to see that this week. | ||
| That's a good one, man. | ||
| I wonder if it's on Netflix. | ||
| I saw... | ||
| What did I go see the other night? | ||
| I saw that... | ||
| Oh, I saw the Wolf movie. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The Grey? | ||
| Oh, The Grey. | ||
| How is it? | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| But it made it out like wolves are just jacking people left and right up there. | ||
| He was hired to shoot wolves, and the wolves were like, We're running at people, full clip, and he would take them out like it was a sniper. | ||
| That's one of the openings, which never happens, man. | ||
| Wolves don't just run on people so often that you need a guy with a rifle who's a sniper picking the wolves off. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| It was weird because he saves a guy. | ||
| Wolves were like monsters in this movie. | ||
| They weren't like wolves. | ||
| He took wolves and gave them some unnatural pack of wolves. | ||
| They behaved completely unnatural. | ||
| So it was like... | ||
| It was part of it that was hard to swallow. | ||
| I would have liked it if they were diseased. | ||
| I would have liked it if it turned out that they had got some fucking crazy radiation. | ||
| Human experiment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| But instead, they try to play it off like these wolves are killing people. | ||
| Wolves have only killed like 100 people ever in the history of humanity. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's like a website. | ||
| There's a Wikipedia, but there's also another website that documents wolf human deaths. | ||
| And a big majority of them, I believe, are in Russia. | ||
| I think in Russia it's more common. | ||
| They got meaner people up there and meaner wolves. | ||
| They got more badass people. | ||
| I can imagine seeing a wolf attack and a guy being killed and he would have to yell, like, this is far rarer than you could imagine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's super rare. | ||
| A woman died, like, I think in 2005 or something like that. | ||
| A wolf attack? | ||
| In Alaska, but she was running. | ||
| And I think if you fuck up and you just run by a wolf in the wrong time, they can't help but chase you. | ||
| Right, like a dog. | ||
| Just like a cat with a ball of yarn. | ||
| They say that's a big part of mountain lion attacks, is people are jogging or people are riding bikes, and they just can't help it. | ||
| The mountain lion thinks they're running away. | ||
| Which is the next operating system from, by the way, they announced today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mountain lion? | |
| Mountain lion, which is so weird. | ||
| Mountain lion. | ||
| It seems like they're getting to the bottom of the barrel of cats. | ||
| Yeah, what's up with Apple and the whole cat thing? | ||
| Why are the cat operating systems? | ||
| It's just like Android with all their little names. | ||
| They're just... | ||
| They should name it after endangered species and see which product or animal gets extinct first. | ||
| Yeah, or name it after something smart as fuck. | ||
| Well, cats are big on the internet. | ||
| Like chimpanzee. | ||
| Why can't that be? | ||
| You know, Mac OS 20, chimpanzee. | ||
| They're going to have to leave cats. | ||
| Maybe that'll be 20 from then on. | ||
| You know what they'll do? | ||
| They're just genetic engineering. | ||
| Yeah, because cats are pretty to look at. | ||
| I don't want to see monkeys. | ||
| I love chimpanzees. | ||
| I turn on my computer and see a big ape. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't want to see that. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| It's like looking at a guy naked. | ||
| I'd rather see a cat. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I love looking at chimps. | ||
| You don't like looking at chimps? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's weird, though. | ||
| Do you think of it that way? | ||
| You're so far removed from the animal side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| I mean, if I go to the zoo, I love looking at monkeys and apes. | ||
| You're a computer, you don't like it? | ||
| Yeah, if I see it every day, I don't want to look at monkeys every day. | ||
| But a cat's okay. | ||
| Yeah, I can see cats all day long. | ||
| I could look at tigers almost every day, because to me, they're like Avatar. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| A tiger really is like an Avatar creature. | ||
| If tigers didn't exist and it was in the movie Avatar... | ||
| It's so gigantic. | ||
| The colors are spectacular. | ||
| The whites and the black stripes and the yellow and orange. | ||
| Tigers are amazing looking. | ||
| Why would nature ever want you to be so beautiful and so fucking vicious? | ||
| That's other animals' ways of watching out for the tiger, protecting themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| He got handicapped a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| This guy's so badass, we've got to make him really bright. | ||
| But gorillas should be bright then, if that was the same thing. | ||
| Gorillas don't kill people, very rarely. | ||
| They kill people if people fuck up and jog over a nest or something like that. | ||
| But for the most part, gorillas are vegetarians. | ||
| Yeah, they eat bamboo and shit. | ||
| They don't even eat animals. | ||
| What do you think about this Virginia stuff with abortion? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| Fucking crazy, man. | ||
| They're making it illegal, pretty much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're trying to. | ||
| Well, have you heard the thing about ultrasounds? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're saying that you have to get an ultrasound before you have any sort of procedure. | ||
| Yeah, they want you to look at it. | ||
| They want you to recognize that that's a life form. | ||
| Somebody said that, one of the Democrats in there said something like, this is the first time that we have ever dictated... | ||
| Like a medical procedure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That we're commanding a medical procedure. | ||
| I'm definitely... | ||
| It's a weird line to cross. | ||
| It's a total weird line to cross because you're making a decision for the person. | ||
| You're deciding, hey, you have to do the... | ||
| They know they could get an ultrasound if they wanted to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They know they can see it. | ||
| You're making them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're making them look at it. | ||
| That doesn't make sense to me. | ||
| That doesn't... | ||
| I don't see why you would make him... | ||
| I need you to feel this one more time before you do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We know what's going on here. | ||
| The real issue is what's going on here. | ||
| What's going on here is you're killing a baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, one guy said it because the only reason it's legal, one of the Republicans, the only reason it's legal is because it's for convenience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, that's true. | ||
| That's what we've decided as a society. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll let that go. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird line, right, though? | ||
| Because at a certain age, you can't do it anymore. | ||
| When it's like six months old, it's too crazy. | ||
| But that's what we do all the time. | ||
| That's why we raise the speed limit, five miles an hour, when you know this is going to mean more deaths this year. | ||
| Dude, I had a friend back in New York who, his girl got a late-term abortion. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Late. | |
| Like, really late. | ||
| Like, it was illegal. | ||
| Does he still have the number? | ||
| I don't... | ||
| It was really crazy because she was showing. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah, she was showing and she had an abortion. | ||
| It's fucking dark, man. | ||
| It was dark. | ||
| And they went on to have children together, which is even crazier. | ||
| They went on to have children together. | ||
| But at the time, I was really freaked out by it. | ||
| Really freaked out. | ||
| Because I don't remember how many months it was in, but it was enough where, you know, they told me. | ||
| I was like, oh, shit. | ||
| Like, this is dark, man. | ||
| You know, it's... | ||
| I think I should be allowed to. | ||
| You should be allowed what? | ||
| To do that, too. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Late-term abortions. | ||
| You should be allowed to do them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| As a doctor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, like, get them. | |
| Oh, you should be able to get them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| There's no reason for that. | ||
| It's life. | ||
| Clearly, at some point, it's like, this life's going to continue. | ||
| No, I think whatever it is right now is fine. | ||
| I think that's enough time for you to find out that you're pregnant and you need to either make the decision yes or no. | ||
| But I think anything after that, that's just laziness. | ||
| After what? | ||
| Like late-term abortions. | ||
| What month is that? | ||
| I think three. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Is it the longest you can go? | ||
| No, I think it's late-term. | ||
| It's six and on. | ||
| No, I'm saying what it is now. | ||
| Think of that in six months. | ||
| Think of six months. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's a baby. | ||
| I would still want to do it at four. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| See, to me, that's just disturbing. | ||
| Why is that crazy? | ||
| It's all human life. | ||
| It's very clearly human life. | ||
| I see the difference between it being a father. | ||
| Let me be real with you here. | ||
| Part of what you're saying, you're kind of being objective about it, and you're being honest about it, but part of what you're saying is a little bit for shock value. | ||
| No, four months? | ||
| You can't even see a bulge at that point. | ||
| Oh, yes, you can. | ||
| At four months? | ||
| Yes, you can. | ||
| Have you ever been to the science museum? | ||
| Go look at four months. | ||
| So, but three months you can't, but four months you can? | ||
| That's the exact line? | ||
| No, I think three months you can as well. | ||
| Look this up. | ||
| I think three months you can as well. | ||
| So then you can see it's still okay to do it then? | ||
| Okay, let's look at fetus. | ||
| I think it's remarkably soon that you could tell it's a person. | ||
| Have you seen a baby's butthole before? | ||
| Fetus butthole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Brian. | |
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| So when would you think it should be illegal? | ||
| As soon as you could see any sort of bulge? | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| Three months, dude. | ||
| But that's what you're saying? | ||
| That's when you think it should be gone? | ||
| This is three weeks. | ||
| I mean, this is 13 weeks. | ||
| That's a baby, man. | ||
| It's a fucking baby. | ||
| No, I meant... | ||
| It's sucking its thumb at three months. | ||
| See, that's two. | ||
| No, I meant, like, can you see it through the stomach? | ||
| Can you see a bulge in the woman's stomach? | ||
| That is... | ||
| No, I wouldn't say that. | ||
| You're just showing me a picture of it. | ||
| I don't know how much blown that up it is. | ||
| Maybe, I think, for different... | ||
| Some women, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, okay, you're saying that's too far. | ||
| That's an actual... | ||
| That's too far. | ||
| And it's like, how far back... | ||
| That's an ultrasound, by the way. | ||
| That's not a real image. | ||
| This is a real image. | ||
| This is an image of what it's represented. | ||
| This is what it looks like. | ||
| Yeah, it's a human life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's a human life almost immediately. | ||
| You're saying with our current microscopic... | ||
| Like abilities, as soon as you can make it out, based on that, that's where it should be illegal? | ||
| That's where it's life? | ||
| Well, it's interesting. | ||
| That's a really good question. | ||
| That's so random. | ||
| It is a really good question. | ||
| But at what point in time does it become a life? | ||
| Does it become a life when it's two cells? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is it 20 cells? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think as soon as it can start moving on its own, it can start leading to life. | ||
| Then it's like life. | ||
| But it's life inside you, man. | ||
| When you have children, when your wife is pregnant, or if you ever have a girl that's pregnant, you touch her stomach when the baby's only a few months old, they start kicking, man. | ||
| So it's when you can feel it through the stomach skin? | ||
| I mean, that's a living thing inside of her. | ||
| But before you can feel it, like the week before you can feel it, that's not a living thing? | ||
| No, it's still living. | ||
| Because it's not quite strong enough to get through the skin layer? | ||
| No, it's moving. | ||
| I'm saying it's a living thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's living way before that. | ||
| But you don't know that it's moving around until you start feeling it moving around. | ||
| So it's when you can feel it. | ||
| That's what you think? | ||
| With a human hand, you should feel through the skin? | ||
| I'm just saying early on, it's moving. | ||
| Long before this late-term abortion shit, it's moving. | ||
| I don't know when you should be able to draw a line, but it's a philosophical and a moral question, right? | ||
| It's like, at what time does it become a life? | ||
| And no one has really wrapped their head around that, but for a lot of liberal people, they don't even want to address the argument. | ||
| It becomes more of you trying to take away a woman's right to choose. | ||
| Well, look at their names, the two. | ||
| They're not even against each other. | ||
| One is pro-life, the other is not anti-life. | ||
| And one is pro-choice, and the other one is not against people having choices. | ||
| Yeah, but it's the choice to kill you. | ||
| That's my choice. | ||
| Yeah, but they're like ones pro-life, ones pro-life. | ||
| They're not even talking about the same things. | ||
| Sort of they are, though. | ||
| It should be ones pro-life, ones pro-death. | ||
| What's really crazy is that most pro-life people are also pro-war. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's one of the funniest things ever, man. | ||
| It's the weirdest thing ever. | ||
| The numbers are staggering. | ||
| How many people are concerned about the babies and how many people are out there. | ||
| And they're the same people that support the war. | ||
| They're the same people that would be happy to support the troops. | ||
| More babies need more troops. | ||
| You ever drive by one of those, a bunch of groups of fucking weirdos, get on the corner with flags and big signs. | ||
| Honk if you support our troops. | ||
| How is this helping anybody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
At all. | |
| Is this boosting morale for people who aren't really there? | ||
| Is it for the random soldier or two that may be getting shipped off and gets to see this before they leave? | ||
| What is this for? | ||
| What kind of rah-rah-rah dedication is this? | ||
| What do you think this is? | ||
| People, they'll get mad at you if you don't honk. | ||
| I've seen, there was on the corner about three or four miles away from here, there was this one intersection that was like a hot intersection for some reason for gay marriage folks, people that were anti-gay marriage, and people that were into the war. | ||
| Same corner. | ||
| Remember that Proposition 8 shit when that was going down? | ||
| They were all just lined up. | ||
| Marriage is between a man and a woman. | ||
| God does not. | ||
| Fucking quoting psalms and shit and holding it up. | ||
| Honk if you believe marriage is for a man and a woman. | ||
| And the other time was this war thing. | ||
| And people were fucking screaming at them. | ||
| People screaming at each other. | ||
| Get the fuck out of America! | ||
| There was several times where I drove by where people in cars were screaming at the people on the street and they were screaming back and forth at each other. | ||
| They should just arrest them because it's against the law for you to honk your horn. | ||
| So telling people to honk your horn. | ||
| How can it be against the law to honk your horn? | ||
| It is. | ||
| Why do you have a horn? | ||
| It's only for emergencies in a car. | ||
| No way. | ||
| You can get a ticket for honking your horn for no reason. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For no reason? | ||
| How do you know it's no reason? | ||
| Maybe you saw some shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw some shit. | |
| I saw five deer. | ||
| I thought I saw some shit. | ||
| What's the reason? | ||
| Did you see that guy that was coming? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, the other lane. | |
| The guy that was coming towards me? | ||
| There's something wrong with his headlight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But still, it's telling you to do something illegal and people are holding signs up for you. | ||
| Is that really illegal? | ||
| I feel like that's one of those myths. | ||
| I feel like you should be able to like drive through an intersection and honk at your friends Can you do that? | ||
| I think one of those things where it's like it's illegal But no one's ever going to take it for it unless you've started just honking your horn for no reason if you saw someone in the corner And there's a cop there and you are better. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| You know do you think yeah? | ||
| No, you get arrested for that? | ||
| I would say get arrested but get ticket get fine probably or a warning most likely We got too many rules There's way too many. | ||
| If that really is a law, that's pathetic. | ||
| I don't know if it is. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you shouldn't be a cunt. | ||
| You shouldn't be blaring your fucking horn everywhere, but there shouldn't be a law against it. | ||
| There's a really interesting video online. | ||
| It was taken in Nevada, where some dude went through a sobriety checkpoint and wouldn't answer any of the questions. | ||
| Oh, I remember that. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He goes, I know my rights. | ||
| I roll down your window, please. | ||
| He goes, no, is that a direct command or not? | ||
| And the guy's like, please roll down your window. | ||
| He's like, no, I will not. | ||
| We just kept standing there like a visible bang. | ||
| There's actually a few of those videos online. | ||
| When a cop says, I want to check your car, you don't have to say yes. | ||
| You say no. | ||
| They always say, can I? Yeah, they say it in an asking manner. | ||
| Ma'am, can you please open the car door? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ma'am, can you pop the trunk, please? | |
| You know they say, alright, we're going to check your car, okay? | ||
| That okay in the end is really important. | ||
| Because you go, oh no. | ||
| No, you're not going to check my car. | ||
| Alright, we're going to bring the dogs. | ||
| Go get your dogs. | ||
| Is that what you need to do? | ||
| Some weird dude checking my trunk. | ||
| Yeah, they have to ask in a way that's asking. | ||
| They can't say, open up the trunk. | ||
| Yeah, they can't say that. | ||
| The problem is they'll just get the dog and then they have the somebody to tell the dog to make the dog bark and go, yep, alright, we're checking your car now. | ||
| How many times do you think cops actually plant evidence? | ||
| Do you think that's normal? | ||
| I don't think they plant evidence. | ||
| Oh, they do. | ||
| I mean, for the majority, I'm sure they have planted evidence, but I don't think there's fucking cops planting evidence. | ||
| A humongous majority has never planted any evidence. | ||
| I mean, if you watch cops, everyone says the cop is planting evidence, but you know that fucking guy's just... | ||
| There's a camera on me. | ||
| Why would I do that now? | ||
| Do you remember that movie, Cocaine Cowboys? | ||
| Do you remember that movie? | ||
| That was the movie, the documentary about the 80s in Miami and how fucking crazy the cocaine world was. | ||
| Do you remember that shit? | ||
| One of the things they talked about was that there was one year where an entire class of the police academy, the graduating class, all of them either wound up dead or dead. | ||
| Or wound up in jail for corruption. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The whole police department was full of shit. | ||
| I bet it becomes systemic after a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where they all just tell the other ones, this is how we do stuff. | ||
| I'm like, alright, this is the way it's done. | ||
| Especially the amount of money that's involved in cocaine in Miami in the 80s. | ||
| It must have been fucking completely crazy. | ||
| There's a lot of good cops. | ||
| Most cops are good cops. | ||
| The problem is, look, most people are great. | ||
| Most people that I meet day to day in my life are fine folk. | ||
| There's only occasionally one or two people out of the vast majority that suck. | ||
| And those stand out and you go, oh, fucking people suck. | ||
| But for the most part, look, in America, in a nice place like Los Angeles, where people are doing pretty good, for the most part, we're not starving to death. | ||
| People are pretty goddamn nice. | ||
| It's pretty civil. | ||
| Most people are cool. | ||
| The majority, the vast majority are cool. | ||
| But if a few of them are cunts, you'll start going, people are cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same thing with cops. | |
| Some do, but some don't at all. | ||
| What I was going to say about the video where the cop was talking to the guy and the guy wouldn't answer any questions, one of the things that was interesting about it was how fucking together the cops were keeping him while this guy was being kind of shitty. | ||
| I was like, I guess they knew they were being filmed or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a little bit of that too because he had a camera and he held it up to them asking them what their name was. | ||
| Wait, the cop held them together? | ||
| Yeah, they had two cops. | ||
| His supervisor came over as well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they're just trying to make sure people aren't drunk. | ||
| I love when they get caught with the camera that's in their own car. | ||
| They're like, you know that's there. | ||
| Yeah, they're dumb. | ||
| And it's like, do you get so complacent that you just feel like what you're doing is right? | ||
| They feel like they're going to be able to erase the evidence. | ||
| How old is this stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's probably a decade old. | ||
| A decade old. | ||
| Do you think it works? | ||
| Yeah, it tastes shitty. | ||
| It tastes shitty, but do you think it's getting you high? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I'm still pretty high. | ||
| There's a place down the street that used to be one of those urgent care centers, and now it's a medical marijuana place. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not so urgent care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, yeah, there wasn't a lot of money in that. | |
| Now they prescribe weed licenses. | ||
| There's so many of those billboards where you're driving around. | ||
| People who don't live in LA have no idea what the fuck is going on here. | ||
| This place is crazy. | ||
| There is maybe Denver. | ||
| Denver is really close. | ||
| Denver is just like this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's a bunch of areas in Denver. | ||
| Across the street from the pharmacy is a place that opened. | ||
| Like they're opening across from each other. | ||
| Across from each other. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's one of the craziest things you'll ever experience in your life. | ||
| And it's one of the reasons why so many of them are getting shut down. | ||
| What people don't realize is how many of them there are. | ||
| When you hear about all these pot shops are getting shut down, it's terrible that pot shops are getting shut down. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's terrible they're being prosecuted, especially the people that didn't even do anything wrong. | ||
| There's a bunch of people that are being unfairly targeted, but there's also a bunch of dudes who are making a shitload of money selling weed. | ||
| They would have been in porn. | ||
| There's some people that are like, you can't even open a shoe store without filling paperwork out. | ||
| But they're like, nah, fuck it, we're selling weed. | ||
| And you're like, you can't do... | ||
| That doesn't give you a license to just do nothing. | ||
| Like our douchey friend that we were talking about that left his job and now is making tons of money selling weed. | ||
| He's no shining light of psychedelic love. | ||
| He's a cunt. | ||
| He's a farmer. | ||
| That's what he's doing. | ||
| He's a farmer. | ||
| He's a farmer. | ||
| What's cool is that place that's next to the ice house, you can actually rent a space and grow weed there. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they give you all the chemicals and all the shit there. | ||
| That's like a real co-op, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like a place where you just rent and grow your own shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Like community gardens, but only for weed gardens. | ||
| That's so dope. | ||
| Welcome to America. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to have to have those guys come on the show. | ||
| But I don't know if they want to go publicly. | ||
| Which guys? | ||
| The guys from that place. | ||
| From that community garden. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| The guys that run that place. | ||
| We'll have them come on with anonymous masks. | ||
| Yeah, you ask them. | ||
| It's like, do you want to do it? | ||
| Here's what it entails. | ||
| Yeah, I wouldn't do it if I was them. | ||
| I'd want to stay as low-key as possible. | ||
| I asked an owner I know of, would you break down everything? | ||
| He goes, no, no, no, I couldn't. | ||
| No, I don't want to call that kind of attention to me. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want anybody looking at you as the target. | ||
| That guy from Oxardam in Oakland, he doesn't mind. | ||
| He likes being a public spokesman. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, haven't they gone after him a bunch of times? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I think there's a big issue right now with what they're allowed to write off. | ||
| Like, it's not like a regular business. | ||
| They're not allowed to write off the rent. | ||
| But they won't take taxes from the sale, I thought. | ||
| That's what we're just trying to make it legal so they can take taxes, but they don't already? | ||
| Well, they must be taking some taxes from medical weed. | ||
| I think it's a huge form of tax revenue, isn't it? | ||
| Medical weed? | ||
| I know they said, on their own, they said, we're going to pay taxes. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Medical marijuana... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Taxation? | |
| Tax revenue? | ||
| What about him? | ||
| Are they now paying tax because they have to, or are they just doing it because they volunteer? | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Volunteer still? | ||
| Voters approve it. | ||
| Okay, so they had to approve it. | ||
| This is what it is. | ||
| Voters had to approve marijuana tax revenue measure. | ||
| 60% of voters decided Tuesday to honor Measure M, a citywide ballot measure that imposes new taxes on the sales of medical marijuana at brick-and-mortar dispensaries. | ||
| Brick-and-mortar dispensaries. | ||
| $50 out of each $1,000 in gross reimbursements. | ||
| So that's 5%. | ||
| $50 out of $1,000? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| That's 5%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So how much will they already get? | ||
| 5% is what their tax is? | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| The sales tax is $8.25. | ||
| That's on top of that, I think. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I think there's a city tax. | ||
| I think it's a marijuana, Los Angeles marijuana tax. | ||
| Whatever, man. | ||
| Pay the tax. | ||
| You're getting to make a fucking shitload of money and you're spreading that love. | ||
| Pay the tax. | ||
| That's what I would say. | ||
| They're making plenty of money. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| Lower your prices a little bit, West Hollywood. | ||
| Lower your prices a little bit. | ||
| Oh, Ari just stepped up. | ||
| I feel Ari just stepped up. | ||
| It's starting to get out of hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| A farmer sees a joke. | ||
| Tell me, tell me. | ||
| It's so expensive. | ||
| The pharmacy is a joke? | ||
| It's $75 for an eighth, and it's not that great. | ||
| It's like, it's good, it's good. | ||
| Homeboy sold me an ounce for how much? | ||
| Was it $2.60? | ||
|
unidentified
|
$2.50. | |
| $2.50. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And that shit puts you straight on the move. | ||
| That's my favorite weed. | ||
| His OG Kush is just the greatest. | ||
| Yeah, you bypass the stores, but I support the stores because I want to be able to go to them. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| I know that if I go straight to the grower, you can get... | ||
| Your lungs support great weed, so that guy gives you on wholesale prices. | ||
| Yeah, I don't need to make that money that bad. | ||
| I would rather give that extra $100 or whatever to the store so that they can make some profit and they can keep open. | ||
| I like the convenience of it. | ||
| They can't make a profit though, supposedly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They're not allowed to make profit. | ||
| Oh yeah, I just read something like that. | ||
| They were like, that's completely wrong. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I just read that. | ||
| Where they're like, that's absolutely wrong. | ||
| That's just a misinterpretation of this rule. | ||
| Yeah, I just read something. | ||
| It's in the recent web. | ||
| Oh, it was on Dig. | ||
| It was on Dig. | ||
| I thought they weren't allowed to make profit, but they were allowed to be like, all right, you're getting paid $30 an hour. | ||
| I think the way it goes is you're not allowed to make profit like a normal corporation would. | ||
| But the way you can do it is you can take a salary. | ||
| Say if you run the place, you can take a salary, which is commensurate for someone who would be in your type of business. | ||
| So you could make a salary of $100,000 a year. | ||
| And the way Tom McCormick was telling me, one of the things that they do is, especially that Oaksterdam guy, They funnel a lot of the money back into the community in the source of charity, in the form of charity, in the form of grants. | ||
| They do a lot of different things with their money. | ||
| And the guy who runs it takes the salary, pays all the employees the salary, but you're not allowed to strictly get rich off it. | ||
| It's not like the guy who owns it can make 60% of the profits. | ||
| Yeah, this article said you can make as much as you want. | ||
| Really? | ||
| If it wasn't that thing. | ||
| Well, that's not what McCormick was telling me. | ||
| He was telling me you can't. | ||
| Fuck, I wish I could read it better. | ||
| He was telling me that you have to take a salary. | ||
| And that's how it works. | ||
| And that's what your profit is? | ||
| Just your salary? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you could still. | ||
| A salary for a business that size. | ||
| What is commensurate? | ||
| A few hundred thousand dollars a year, I'm sure. | ||
| I mean, if you were running some U-Haul fucking empire, which is dealing with the same amount of money or something, U-Haul's a terrible example, but you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You'd make a good chunk of change. | ||
| A CEO for some big fucking company makes a lot of goddamn money. | ||
| If you're the CEO for some giant marijuana collective that's responsible for millions of dollars worth of business every year, you should be getting paid well, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think. | ||
| That's what the CEOs of the banks did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's too many rules, bro. | |
| There's too many rules. | ||
| There's not enough rules as far as, like, protecting the environment and too many rules when it comes to everything else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Goddamn twat rockets. | ||
| I got a PS Vita, Joe. | ||
| This came out yesterday. | ||
| This actually doesn't come out until the 22nd. | ||
| What's PS Vita? | ||
| Is this a video game device? | ||
| Yeah, but this is the new thing all the kids are talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a... | |
| It's a new Game Boy? | ||
| New PlayStation thing. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And it's got... | ||
| You can get into it? | ||
| Touchscreen on the back and the front. | ||
| On the back? | ||
| It's got 3G built in, AT&T 3G. How's the back work? | ||
| The back just has a panel, and it's touch-sensitive. | ||
| So it feels your fingers? | ||
| Yeah, so you can use it with your steering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| And it's also got double joysticks. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| It's got touchscreen in the front, finally. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
| I've only got to play with it a little bit today. | ||
| I have an unboxing video at DeathSquad.tv. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| I'm doing a review. | ||
| It's called the PS Vita. | ||
| And what kind of games you get in this sucker? | ||
| What's cool is the graphics are amazing. | ||
| They look like a home console video game, and you can do your Netflix on here. | ||
| And since it has 3G, you can do all the stuff that you can do on a tablet. | ||
| It has two cameras in the front. | ||
| So you can surf the web on that? | ||
| Yeah, you can do camera front and the back and everything. | ||
| How's the battery life? | ||
| Battery's about five and a half hours, six hours. | ||
| It's pretty badass, though. | ||
| It just came out. | ||
| It comes out the 22nd, but you can buy an early version of it. | ||
| They send you one early? | ||
| I ordered, they have an early, like for people that pre-ordered it, you can get it a week or so. | ||
| What is that noise? | ||
| Is that making stupid music? | ||
| Is that Sonic the Hedgehog? | ||
| No. | ||
| You shut that stupid shit off? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Oh, it is. | ||
| I don't know how to turn it off. | ||
| Oh, that's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just kidding. | |
| There's a lot of stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so cool. | |
| Why would the music be so stupid? | ||
| Oh, here we go. | ||
| Medical marijuana profit is allowed under California law. | ||
| Should I read it? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck, I carry on the Wi-Fi here eventually. | ||
| Oh, when it loads up. | ||
| But yeah, I'm doing a review on it at deskquad.tv. | ||
| How is it? | ||
| Is it fun? | ||
| So far, it's pretty awesome. | ||
| I like it has 3G, and you don't have any contracts, so you can just pay as you go. | ||
| The camera's not that good, but the graphics, the screen's amazing. | ||
| The games are amazing. | ||
| could download any a lot a lot of the previous console so nowadays they're kind of switching to where you download your video games it's still buying to the store oh really yeah that makes sense so instead of so instead of getting a disk you just download it right and then you can delete it if you want to you can delete it and or whatever it would that the only name really get rid of this so you think just everything's gonna be in the cloud down like I like that though yeah I like my landline I don't want to cord this phone. | ||
| If I want to talk to you so bad, I'll do it right here. | ||
| I'm an old man. | ||
| I don't want everything in the cloud. | ||
| I do like the cloud if they do it right. | ||
| iTunes just recently switched over to doing it right, where it shows you all the purchased songs that you've ever downloaded on iTunes. | ||
| Zero purchases. | ||
| And you can re-download them. | ||
| 900 gigabytes of total songs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, are you allowed to talk about what happened... | |
| In Minnesota? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I only know pieces of this. | ||
| Are you sure you're allowed? | ||
| Yeah, there's pieces I have to leave out. | ||
| There was a thing that Ari Shafir does. | ||
| It's a lark. | ||
| I mean, he pretends that what he's doing is hiding marijuana all around town, and then he calls it a hunt for the edible. | ||
| When it's really just lollipops. | ||
| It's really just... | ||
| Tootsie Rolls. | ||
| He wouldn't do that to you. | ||
| You can't handle it. | ||
| It would be cute if you could handle it, but you can't handle it. | ||
| So, that said... | ||
| But coincidentally, I do live in a state where they could sell really small stuff all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And anyone pretty much here can buy it. | ||
| It's totally legal for us here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| So, yeah, I've had them before where I had little scavenger hunts for this clearly fake, only tobacco product. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not marijuana. | ||
| Whatever you think it is. | ||
| It's just titsy. | ||
| And if you got high from it? | ||
| Placebo effect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Purely placebo. | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| Diabetes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Diabetes. | ||
| It's spooky, man. | ||
| I got dizzy. | ||
| Yeah, and it's fun. | ||
| People just... | ||
| I make some clues and people just find it. | ||
| And you've been organizing this through Twitter? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| It seems like a solid plan. | ||
| Well, it's good that you're not using real pot because... | ||
| No, that's why it's totally great. | ||
| Some people who have fucking heart attacks and freak the fuck out did... | ||
| So you did this in... | ||
| So usually I do them not in a specific type of place. | ||
| You know, I'll just do them somewhere, like, out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I did it this time. | ||
| I tried doing it at the Mall of America. | ||
| You know that's like Fort Knox. | ||
| Yeah, they're all locked down now, I guess. | ||
| They have their own security and they have regular police there too. | ||
| And so what happened? | ||
| Well, I decided instead of hiding it like outside, like near a pillar or something, I figured there'd be less cameras, so I should go into a store and hide it there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe like increase business for them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so I did that at the store. | ||
| Grubby hippies looking for fucking free weed. | ||
| Also, what kind of clues can I give? | ||
| Like, what's it around that I can think of a clue for? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then I found a place. | ||
| And then I left. | ||
| It was like, good. | ||
| Bada bing, bada boom. | ||
| Then I waited for like, you know, a few hours. | ||
| Started writing the clues. | ||
| And then I started releasing them. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| And people were looking for it. | ||
| First I narrowed down like a side of the mall. | ||
| Then like a floor. | ||
| And then like the store. | ||
| And then like where? | ||
| Anyway, so the show had just started. | ||
| The MC was on. | ||
| I was texting outside. | ||
| And I just saw a cop to my right and two securities to my left just standing there. | ||
| And they're like, Ari? | ||
| And I was like, I looked up and I was like, Oh, fuck. | ||
| Well, this is happening now. | ||
| I really didn't think it would. | ||
| I was like, fuck. | ||
| I've got to talk to you for a while. | ||
| I'm like, oh, hey. | ||
| This is totally cool. | ||
| Somebody's got to go inside right now and just let them know that I'm in trouble because they're going to have to find somebody really soon. | ||
| The show just started. | ||
| They've got like 40 minutes to find someone to headline nearby in Minneapolis. | ||
| So just let them know that this is happening. | ||
| So they did, whatever. | ||
| The cop... | ||
| Let's just say he was cool. | ||
| So he didn't find any specific evidence. | ||
| So that wasn't a problem. | ||
| But then the mall security was trying to say I couldn't go on. | ||
| They were going to ban me from the mall. | ||
| And the club was in the mall. | ||
| And then Rick Brunson, the owner, had to get on the phone and start yelling at him. | ||
| Saying, who the fuck are you? | ||
| You're going to cost me money? | ||
| Because that idiot... | ||
| How to fucking hide pot somewhere or hide fake pot? | ||
| That's what he called you, an idiot? | ||
| Yeah, to the security. | ||
| It's like, you're not going to cost me a bunch of money in refunds and disappoint all those people because he wants to be a fucking moron. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I explained to them what happened to them. | ||
| I'm like, it's just for fun. | ||
| It's where I go. | ||
| It's totally legal. | ||
| I want other people to have fun. | ||
| Even though it's fake. | ||
| Even though it's fake. | ||
| I think they understood that. | ||
| You can't even do that in California because it's only legal with a license. | ||
| And you don't know if a kid's going to grab it. | ||
| But it isn't illegal. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's decriminalized in California to a certain amount. | ||
| As long as you don't think you're distributing it. | ||
| Some people ask me, what happens when a 15-year-old gets it? | ||
| I'm like, Great time for him. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| There's no problem there. | ||
| I'm pretty sure the kid's going to have... | ||
| These kids who got him came the next day to the show. | ||
| They did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, well, lucky it wasn't really weed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happened was the people who went to the underwear aisle of that store that I shouldn't say because that lady was pretty cool too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was... | ||
| Don't say which store. | ||
| She was cool. | ||
| She was like, I'm not going to press charges. | ||
| Please take down any mention of my store so I don't get in trouble. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So it was a male clothing store. | ||
| I wanted to hire Elaine Bryant at a fat check store but I didn't think I could get in there without being noticed. | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| Why would it even be in there? | ||
| You look like somebody that would date a fat person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you really think he looks like someone who did it? | ||
| No, that was a telly joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I might. | |
| In some ways. | ||
| If the world gets dark. | ||
| Yeah, so the first people went and got it in the underwear aisle, and the next piece of people came in, and they couldn't find it, so they started tearing everything up, like, looking for it. | ||
| So that was an unintended consequence. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Yeah, but no trouble. | ||
| They let me off, like, five minutes before I had to go on. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Did you go on stage and immediately talk about it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| Of course you did. | ||
| It's the first thing out of my mouth. | ||
| I was like, sorry, everybody, I'm just... | ||
| I was just... | ||
| Yeah, Rick Brunson, he got on the phone with me. | ||
| They were like, he wants to talk to you on the phone because he was in Edmonton on his landline. | ||
| And he was like, hey, first things first. | ||
| You need to act like I'm yelling at you. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| So now, is your smile gone? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| And I started laughing. | ||
| He goes, don't laugh. | ||
| Don't laugh. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| He goes, it's not going to be any problem at all. | ||
| I'm like, sorry, dude, for getting here. | ||
| He goes, I don't fucking care. | ||
| It's totally cool. | ||
| I think if you've been running a comedy club as long as that guy's been... | ||
| He's also a comic. | ||
| He's like, whatever, I know. | ||
| It's totally fine. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to be careful, though. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, so no full repercussions. | ||
| You've got to be fucking careful. | ||
| That shit's super illegal in certain parts of this country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we don't realize it because, as we said here... | ||
| That's lame, though. | ||
| That's another lame one. | ||
| What are you guys doing? | ||
| It's just so lame. | ||
| So your new thing is taking liquid acid and squirting it into the audience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Into his eyes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't imagine if he did that. | ||
| The best is I was standing there with security and some people came up for like the late show or something. | ||
| And they're like, oh, we brought something for you. | ||
| And they opened up their purse. | ||
| I was like, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But then she was like, it's okay. | ||
| I'm like looking behind like, don't. | ||
| And it was just Swedish fish. | ||
| So it was all right. | ||
| Swedish fish. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Just some like gummy product. | ||
| Oh, is it good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Yeah, it's delicious. | ||
| I offered it to the cops. | ||
| And the lady cop was super hot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, super hot. | ||
| Like, how hot? | ||
| Like, I was... | ||
| Hi, what? | ||
| How hot? | ||
| Like, an L.A.H. Wow. | ||
| Like, legit. | ||
| I kept looking at her, and I was like, you guys should come in. | ||
| You totally should come in. | ||
| You tried to get her to come to the show? | ||
| I mean, I couldn't go fully, like, so when you get off, we should hang out. | ||
| You should have totally gone right there. | ||
| I regret not doing it. | ||
| She was so pretty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| Maybe that would have worked. | ||
| Maybe that would have worked. | ||
| Maybe it would have worked. | ||
| Maybe she's starving for some intellectual conversation, a funny guy, great sense of humor. | ||
| She seemed like she got it, too. | ||
| She seemed like she understood. | ||
| Or maybe she was dating the other really nice cop guy, and then he would have thrown you in prison. | ||
| He probably fucks her every time they shoot somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| That's the deal. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Don't shoot people. | ||
| Every down and then, dude. | ||
| Shit gets crazy. | ||
| She was a mall cop? | ||
| What? | ||
| She wasn't even a real cop? | ||
| She wasn't a real cop. | ||
| She was part of the mall cop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, hot mall cop. | |
| She was so pretty. | ||
| Man, I was like, you guys should have a good comment. | ||
| Was she responsive at all to you? | ||
| She would smile. | ||
| She knew that it was just something being an idiot. | ||
| The guy, mall cop, was trying to pretend like he was a badass, but he couldn't really keep it going that much. | ||
| And then the head of security was trying to really enforce the law. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| But who fucking cares? | ||
| Could have got in trouble, buddy. | ||
| I could have. | ||
| Could have went to jail. | ||
| What if somebody just showed up at the joint and said, this dirty Jew gave me this joint? | ||
| They could say that now. | ||
| And I smoked it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Don't be giving that shit out. | ||
| You've got to stop doing that. | ||
| We're going to have Be Real from Cypress Hill on soon. | ||
| Whoa, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been going back and forth with him on Twitter. | ||
| And Arge Barker. | ||
| He's going to be on too. | ||
| But one of the things about... | ||
| Yeah, he's in America until Monday. | ||
| One of the things about Be Real from Cypress Hill that he and I share is that he won't just take weed from strangers. | ||
| He won't. | ||
| He won't smoke their weed. | ||
| Doug Benson does it from everybody. | ||
| Yeah, Doug Benson does. | ||
| He gets high with people all the time. | ||
| But the government's probably getting high with him too, and they're probably giving him some weed that's got little GPS signals in it. | ||
| He needs that. | ||
| That's all he can get high off at this point. | ||
| His tolerance is too high. | ||
| I'm getting high off GPS. Oh, he's got those GPS crystals? | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| He's getting high off Wi-Fi. | ||
| It's hitting me hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| How long before they actually just spray you with some shit they can track you with? | ||
| They probably already have the capability. | ||
| They can track you already. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's not hard to find you just through your Twitter. | ||
| Most people are on the grid. | ||
| Yeah, Twitter, your fucking credit cards. | ||
| Going to Joe's house, going to Burbank, I'm at the airport, shit. | ||
| They let you go about your business. | ||
| They don't care what you do most of the time. | ||
| Most of the time, until you oppose them. | ||
| Until you're in some sort of position where you might be trying to take over. | ||
| Can you imagine the kind of tapping they have on Ron Paul's information? | ||
| Yeah, he can't even order pizza without them breaking down the wording. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| How long is Archbar going to be here for? | ||
| He said until Monday. | ||
| Isn't that amazing that they're so ignoring this Ron Paul cat and then pushing this Rick Santorum dude on everybody. | ||
| Well, at least he's not a Mormon. | ||
| There's been evidence of voter fraud in Maine, by the way. | ||
| Ron Paul is supposed to be one in Maine, and before even all the precincts were counted, they were giving it to Santorum. | ||
| They're saying there's voter fraud in Maine. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, it's just a caucus. | ||
| I would have liked to see Ron Paul win one state. | ||
| Yeah, it would have been cute. | ||
| In the prelims. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| I think this whole system's rigged. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| I really, absolutely, absolutely, truly believe it. | ||
| And I think these guys are just auditioning to be the CEO of a company where they're not even going to get a chance to say what the fuck gets to go on. | ||
| And they're not going to get it anyway. | ||
| Obama's going to win again. | ||
| Obama's way better than Mitt Romney. | ||
| He's way more charismatic. | ||
| Look, they can do some Hollywood math on the numbers and have you convinced that we're in an economic upswing. | ||
| One guy's just super rich. | ||
| Nobody likes super rich. | ||
| Yeah, he came in the wrong time and the world was fucked up when he got here and the country was fucked up. | ||
| But in the time that he's been here, he'll spin some fucking legislation that we've passed and help this and the economic stimulus and put us back on track. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| That National Defense Authorization Act kills everything that he did. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| That's that thing that allows people to be detained indefinitely with no warrants. | ||
| The fact that he passed that... | ||
| It's just such an easy way to abuse that. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| It's completely unconstitutional. | ||
| This is the first time on my radio station that comes on the news about the elections or the pre-elections, whatever they're having. | ||
| It just seems like when Newt Gingrich and Perry and Santorum and Mitt Romney, it seems like they keep... | ||
| Like, just lying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, like, going back on, yeah, I did say this, but that's not what I believe now. | ||
| It just seems like little kids just saying whatever they can so they can get their prize. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Especially Ron. | ||
| But it's like, and Ron Paul's the only one who just says, well, this is what I believe. | ||
| A lot of this shit's not popular. | ||
| Give me another one of those if you're good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like, this is what I've always said. | ||
| The same thing for always. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, thanks. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| When they're afraid of going on the record for what they really believe if it's not popular. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| They don't believe shit. | ||
| They believe they want to be president. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what it is. | |
| It's like they're just trying to get elected. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like when you audition for a show that you hope you don't get. | ||
| Yeah, we're like, this sucks, but I'll make believe I like the sense of humor. | ||
| Rick Perry is so lucky he's dumb, because now he gets to live the rest of his life without Secret Service agents wiping his ass everywhere he goes. | ||
| Because if he won, and he could have fucking won, don't get me wrong, if that guy auditioned for the role of president just four years ago, and he was just coached a little bit better, and someone with a little hindsight, you get some smart dudes behind him. | ||
| Yeah, that's all it is, right? | ||
| Isn't that all it is? | ||
| Attracting the best PR people? | ||
| He's no dumber than George Bush He's no dumber than GW He's just like an actress Yeah He's just to build your resume Yeah, build your resume Do it correctly Become popular at the right time Exactly He was popular at one point in time Do you remember? | ||
| It was like That guy was like He looked handsome He looked like fucking But I remember them talking about Obama At some like Democratic convention And they were like Ooh, he gave a really good speech People are going to look at him now He's like a presidential guy Yeah. | ||
| It's like having a really good game in the NBA All-Star game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like having a good set on Comedy Central. | ||
| Yeah, and all of a sudden it's like, oh, watch out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's an act. | ||
| Or some chick in some movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember my friend, who I will not name his name because he's a silly fucking liberal. | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with being a liberal, but he's silly. | ||
| But he's silly liberal. | ||
| He's one of those guys. | ||
| And when I say liberal, I'm very liberal in most of the things. | ||
| Most things like gay marriage and civil rights and most of those things. | ||
| You shouldn't be attached to everything, though. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I'm not on a team. | ||
| I'm not on team this or team that. | ||
| And when you are, I think you're silly if you're a liberal by choice, in a category, predetermined pattern behavior you follow, or you're conservative. | ||
| Either one of them is just silly to me. | ||
| But this guy was telling me what a great President Obama would make. | ||
| And I go, why do you say that? | ||
| What policies that he supports do you believe? | ||
| Unlike him. | ||
| He didn't have a fucking... | ||
| nothing to say. | ||
| He just started giving me like double talk. | ||
| I go, do you even know anything the stuff this guy does or do you love him because he's a good looking black guy? | ||
| And you love like supporting a black guy because you got a little bit of white guilt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he didn't want to admit it. | ||
| Do you see that Howard Stern thing they did with the interview people and just messed up the facts? | ||
| Like Obama... | ||
| Obama and McCain is running together against so-and-so who are you going to vote for? | ||
| It's like Obama and McCain! | ||
| It's all about McCain. | ||
| Do you think he'd be a good president for Obama? | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| I like his policies. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was it... | ||
| I'm trying to remember who that fuck that was. | ||
| Who did it? | ||
| Maybe it was for Tough Crowd. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I wish I knew what it was. | ||
| Who's that guy we met in New York that time? | ||
| The Boston comic? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Boston comic book. | ||
| You didn't like me, I was texting. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't like you because of what? | |
| I was texting or something. | ||
| No, no, that's not what it was. | ||
| You joked around about jocks. | ||
| You said something about jocks. | ||
| Boston is all jocks. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's what you said. | ||
| It was a bunch of dumb jocks. | ||
| You know, who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| Nick DiPaolo was quick to tell you to fuck yourself. | ||
| He immediately happened to wear a sweater or something, and he was like, oh, in case we all can't be Jeanine Garofalo. | ||
| I was like, what do you think? | ||
| What? | ||
| Did I offend you? | ||
| Yeah, he thought you were... | ||
| Well, you kind of dress a little bit like a hipster. | ||
| Yeah, I guess I do. | ||
| If people didn't know you, they would totally think you're a hipster. | ||
| Until they hear you talk. | ||
| They would think I'm an alternative comic. | ||
| Until they hear your filthy, dirty mouth on stage. | ||
| Yeah, they would think you were an alternative. | ||
| Thank God you're not. | ||
| It's so hard to be friends with an alternative comic and pretend that all that shit is funny. | ||
| It's starting to go away, the lines. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| There's some real good people that just go up in that scene and then vice versa. | ||
| They're just comics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| The people that wanted to be alternative. | ||
| Louie used to always do that. | ||
| Yeah, but it was just a comic. | ||
| They're all rooms and you go up at the store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, oh, you come here too? | ||
| I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| It's stage time. | ||
| Yeah, he's just a comic. | ||
| Yeah, he's smart enough to realize that. | ||
| But a lot of these dummies, it was like, you know what it was? | ||
| It was like, we found a cool club. | ||
| This is like the Cool Kids Club. | ||
| You know, this is the Janine Garofalo Club. | ||
| Chechen Rebel. | ||
| Doesn't that sound like a serial? | ||
| Chechenian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Why'd you say that? | ||
| Oh, that's one of their jokes? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's a Gene Garofalo line. | ||
| Because he was looking. | ||
| I think he was imagining her. | ||
| I'm just doing what they do on stage, like looking off in the distance, saying something mildly ironic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's not even funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut it! | |
| You're not funny! | ||
| No! | ||
| Work harder at this. | ||
| You're not trying hard enough and your point of view sucks because it's not real. | ||
| You're not really. | ||
| You're just trying to fit into a mold that you think these little hipster twat heads are going to appreciate. | ||
| Yeah, clap, clap. | ||
| I saw Paul Tompkins talking about the state of alternative comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| On a podcast in San Francisco. | ||
| Jamie Kilstein's podcast. | ||
| The state is AIDS. He goes, it's really sucky right now. | ||
| It's AIDS. He goes, all these people trying to be alternative comics and sucky because they're trying to be this. | ||
| Instead of just being it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's AIDS. It's AIDS. They all have AIDS. It's not funny. | |
| And they're super snotty about it. | ||
| It's like, the thing about the grossest thing... | ||
| That's the biggest problem with snottyness. | ||
| The snottyness. | ||
| It's not even... | ||
| Over what? | ||
| You're not even putting out good art. | ||
| Like, shut your snotty mouth. | ||
| It's not good stuff. | ||
| It's not funny. | ||
| The bottom line is it was created. | ||
| Some of it is. | ||
| But that's good comedy, period. | ||
| It'd be good anywhere. | ||
| The bottom line is the need for alternative comedy was created because the ones who were trying to do it weren't successful in other rooms. | ||
| They weren't successful. | ||
| Whether it's because they were performing for dumb crowds or whether they were performing for people that didn't appreciate what they were doing, so they had to find people who did. | ||
| That's all well and good, but they became, in a lot of ways, not all of them, totally generalizing and pigeonholing. | ||
| They had this irony, this ironic disposition. | ||
| Yeah, but they also became sort of comedy bullies. | ||
| If you hung around them, like Burt Kreischer has a terrible story about them being fucking shitty to him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Over at the UC, whatever it is, UCB? Yeah. | ||
| About how gross his experience was there. | ||
| When people are bullied, they want to bully back. | ||
| Children that are molested go on to become molesters. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| But then Ian Edwards, I met him in Miami. | ||
| What a terrible connection. | ||
| I did. | ||
| Nobody ever called me on it. | ||
| You're like, whatever, just keep talking, stupid. | ||
| Just keep rambling. | ||
| I saw Ian go about that alternative. | ||
| I'm like, what material do you do for this? | ||
| He goes, crowds are crowds, man. | ||
| Yeah, I've done the UCB twice and then I had great crowds. | ||
| Yeah, I did the UCB. I loved it. | ||
| I had a great time now. | ||
| It's not the audience, man. | ||
| It's not the audiences. | ||
| It's the comics. | ||
| It's the artists. | ||
| And it's not all of them. | ||
| It's just a few. | ||
| It's just like cops. | ||
| A few cunts spoil the whole podcast. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Exactly what it is. | ||
| That's why everyone's against it because of those few cunts. | ||
| Yeah, same with cops, same with girls, same with guys, same with everything. | ||
| The few people stand out. | ||
| I hate it when a girl says I don't take comics anymore because all the comics have been bad. | ||
| I'm like, come on, wait, break it down because I'm not all of them. | ||
| Yeah, but you're terrible. | ||
| Yeah, but if it's all about like... | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, yeah, we do that. | ||
| I was like, I'm a great guy. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Give me a chance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me a chance. | |
| But if they say they're needy, then I'm like, well, I'm not needy. | ||
| But if they say they can't commit, I'm like, oh, yeah, all right, that's fine. | ||
| Yeah, we shouldn't do it. | ||
| Yeah, well, isn't that like what all women want, Ari Shaffir? | ||
| Yeah, some of them. | ||
| They all want love. | ||
| They all want to know that you're going to be there for them. | ||
| They all want you to listen to their highlight reel. | ||
| Highlight reel? | ||
| Correct their act. | ||
| The worst is dating a comic. | ||
| Dating a comic and you have to help them with their act. | ||
| Do you think this is funny? | ||
| There's nothing more of a turn off than a girl going over her bits with you. | ||
| Anyone going over their bits with you is horrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But a girl that you want to fuck? | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| I want you to listen to my joke. | ||
| Tell me if you think this is funny. | ||
| Meanwhile, your dick is like a headache in your pants. | ||
| Let's just do it. | ||
| Tell me if you think this is good. | ||
| I've dated a few comics. | ||
| I start telling them now, I am not going to help you with your act. | ||
| I'm not going to try to correct you. | ||
| If I see something like... | ||
| Thematically you're doing that I can see a fix for. | ||
| Like, you should check out this room. | ||
| You might do well there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I would do that, but that's it. | ||
| Like, just give you suggestions of, like, directions to go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go to peers every now and then. | ||
| There's something wrong with this bit, man. | ||
| Doesn't the bit seem too verbose or something like that? | ||
| But I'm kind of just sounding off. | ||
| I kind of know anyway. | ||
| If you're being objective about your shit, which you always have to be anyway. | ||
| Well, somebody tells you, like, yeah, they saw that. | ||
| Like, I like that joke. | ||
| I'm like, do you think, yeah, don't you think in there it needs a little something? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you know they saw it. | ||
| You kind of know though. | ||
| You know when something needs something if you're being really honest about it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But sometimes they help you. | ||
| They're like, well, have you ever thought about going from there into your family right there? | ||
| And you're like, oh, I didn't. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like they're not writing you a joke. | ||
| They're just like an angle you didn't think you took. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Or good taglines. | ||
| Yeah, I had this King Kong bit that I was doing and Louis C.K. pulled me aside. | ||
| He goes, you know, it was really funny. | ||
| He goes, you should say that King Kong is this really cunty wife too. | ||
| And do this whole thing about King Kong's gunty wife. | ||
| Probably at home. | ||
| Why this whole thing about King Kong being the most racist movie ever? | ||
| That he was around these naked black women his entire life. | ||
| He never gave a fuck. | ||
| He saw one white chick in a dress and lost his fucking mind and had to have her. | ||
| Really, exactly what that movie was. | ||
| They were dancing, these black girls. | ||
| They had feathers on and shit. | ||
| They were naked, tits hanging out, drums playing, fire dancing and shit. | ||
| No one cared. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, King Kong should have a really cunty wife. | ||
| That was why he was still married, though. | ||
| That's like the angle you always go to. | ||
| Cunty wife, yeah. | ||
| Cunty wife holds him back and keeps him from being funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you would ever date a comic again? | |
| Casually date him, yeah. | ||
| What about Little Esther? | ||
| I do that sometimes. | ||
| I think Duncan's dating Esther right now. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| I was thinking. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I heard you're dating Natasha again. | ||
| Ugh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Woo! | ||
| That's getting hot in here! | ||
| Damn! | ||
| That'd be so weird. | ||
| Could you even fucking imagine if you guys just swapped back and forth? | ||
| And you're like, look, I know you left me before, but I wasn't the man that I am now. | ||
| I'm a different man now. | ||
| I'm a different man now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was cool. | |
| It was totally cool. | ||
| It was totally cool back then when you went with Duncan. | ||
| It was totally cool if you just go right back to me because that's where you belong. | ||
| And then as soon as you pull out, you nut it right in her eyes and say, fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you! | |
| I've been waiting for five years to do this! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| And you give her double fingers while you're naked! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| How many guys have done that? | ||
| Got back with a girl, pretended to be in love with her just so they could shoot a load on her. | ||
| Just so they could do that? | ||
| And then just say, fuck you! | ||
| You ever see that old movie called The Heiress? | ||
| The Heiress? | ||
| Yeah, it's about this girl who got jilted and she just waits to get revenge for like decades. | ||
| That's like I spit on your grave. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I have girls that I wait on just to fuck, like Megan Fox and Lindsay Lohan. | ||
| I think in like 12 years, they would probably be doable. | ||
| Once they hit the wall? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know who I think you can get? | ||
| Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire. | ||
| She needs a place to stay, right? | ||
| She needs a place to stay. | ||
| You can take her. | ||
| Stay with my face, Brett Butler. | ||
| She's okay in her day. | ||
| We talked about her back in the last show, about how crazy it was. | ||
| She was one of the Chuck Lorre. | ||
| She was a Chuck Lorre show. | ||
| Grace Under 5. That guy has just been around forever, just churning out the hits. | ||
| And she was all cracked out. | ||
| Chuck Lorre? | ||
| There was always the rumor on the set that she had done some crazy thing, threw a drink in his face, had some memes at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And she got gone from that? | ||
| Yeah, that killed her. | ||
| It's powerful as fuck. | ||
| You think he cares? | ||
| You're rated 12th? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that anyway. | ||
| That would make a lot of money. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that anyway. | ||
| That's what killed Titus' show too. | ||
| You ever turn something down for money? | ||
| Like somebody offers a sponsor to this and you're like, that doesn't go with what I do at all. | ||
| Oh yeah, definitely. | ||
| Yeah, it's like people can turn down money. | ||
| Chuck Lorre says, I have plenty of money. | ||
| I'll just not do your show anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I'll kill your show before it goes to syndication. | ||
| If you're going to be a complete asshole to me, then yeah, I'm not going to work for you. | ||
| They killed Titus' show before it goes to syndication. | ||
| Yeah, you had some crazy blowout. | ||
| Remember that movie TV show? | ||
| I talked about a few times that no one could remember it. | ||
| What's it's called mr. Smith? | ||
| It was about a monkey monkey that was president. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, and it's impossible. | ||
| Black and white. | ||
| No, no, no That's you think of mr. Smith goes to Washington or Hollywood Well, sure this is a TV show and somebody uploaded a like five-second commercial on YouTube the other day And so I finally okay So I finally found, I have a screenshot of the monkey, so I don't know if I'm going crazy. | ||
| Whoa, that's an orangutan. | ||
| It's an orangutan, but this is what it looked like. | ||
| He was the president, and he was some kind of animated, or like Muppet, realistic Muppet type, ALF type thing. | ||
| Oh, so it wasn't a real... | ||
| I think they used both. | ||
| That sounds like when NBC went to 7.30 primetime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, they tried that. | ||
| Small Wonder, I think, was there. | ||
| It was NBC also. | ||
| My Two Dads. | ||
| It was NBC. Yeah, it seemed like that much. | ||
| And they were all way worse than a regular sitcom. | ||
| It's like, you think sitcoms are shitty. | ||
| Think what wouldn't have made it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Here, I want to read this about the cannabis thing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, there's a... | ||
| By Robert Raich, who wrote it. | ||
| There's a widely held misconception that businesses in California medical cannabis industry are prohibited from making a profit. | ||
| In reality, no California law prohibits cannabis-related businessmen from making a profit. | ||
| Opponents of medical pot... | ||
| I'm going to translate it as I read it. | ||
| However, have done a massive job spreading disinformation since SB 420 was signed into law in 2003. The disinformation has become so prevalent that it is affecting safe access to medical cannabis patients... | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Okay, and it resulted in State Senator John whatever releasing a letter debunking the widely held misconception that profit is not permitted from medical cannabis providers under California law. | ||
| I'm looking at Brian's moth. | ||
| The giant moth? | ||
| The one that he smoked? | ||
| Smoked its shit. | ||
| Why would you smoke something that came out of that thing's ass? | ||
| The liquid looks so trippy that I'm like, I wonder if this would do anything. | ||
| I mean, it didn't look like poop. | ||
| It's probably fucking poison. | ||
| No, it was probably poop or something. | ||
| It's probably massive. | ||
| And I lit it anyway. | ||
| Poison. | ||
| It's probably, you know what it is? | ||
| It probably had a miscarriage right there on your floor. | ||
| Yeah, but it was pregnant. | ||
| I bet that was pregnant. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| That's why it shook like that. | ||
| It was on my door for two days, yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Brian. | ||
| You're gonna die. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's not good. | ||
| You have like one of those porch entries, right? | ||
| Where it goes over, where you can stay in the rain. | ||
| You won't get wet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do moths love that? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Whose balls are those? | ||
| It's Valentine's Day balls. | ||
| Whose balls are those? | ||
| Just download it. | ||
| Are those your balls? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Are those your balls? | ||
| No. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| No. | ||
| They're pretty if they are. | ||
| They're a heart. | ||
| Can you imagine if you got an operation to have your balls always in the shape of a heart? | ||
| Like there was a new thing, and women wanted you to do it, to show them that you really cared, and you would just get your balls tucked into a heart shape. | ||
| There was like a little plastic V implant that they would put in at the bottom of your ball sack. | ||
| So it would just look like a heart at all times. | ||
| Yeah, so it would always look like a heart. | ||
| Dudes would do it. | ||
| I always wonder why belly buttons never got extended or changed in any way. | ||
| The balls are so vulnerable as it is. | ||
| Yeah, the belly button nobody really touches. | ||
| Sometimes they get belly button rings, people. | ||
| You can get an implant on your balls with a wire frame that was in the shape of your heart. | ||
| Like those old ladies' dresses from the cold days where they had to proof them out. | ||
| Yeah, they just spread it out like a bat wing. | ||
| Like the bat wing over the balls and spread it out. | ||
| Your fucking balls are already super vulnerable. | ||
| If somebody kicks you in the balls and you have an implant in there, it's going to even hurt anymore. | ||
| But there's so much extra skin you can do stuff with there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there's so much. | |
| Totally. | ||
| Well, that's what we were talking about. | ||
| The guy who got fucked to death by the horse. | ||
| He had like a whole binder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a fucking notebook binder of rings coming off his horse. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Of course, eventually he'll do that. | ||
| People will put it in the shape of a heart. | ||
| That'd be sweet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be way easier to get girls to suck on them. | |
| I swear you'd keep your hard drive. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| If there's an excuse to take your dick out. | ||
| If a girl who would suck on your balls will suck on your balls, period. | ||
| You definitely increase the odds of it happening. | ||
| If a girl won't suck on your balls, you really shouldn't be with her. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I think it tickles. | ||
| You got problems. | ||
| It doesn't tickle you at all? | ||
| If a girl will suck on your balls. | ||
| My girlfriend loves it, but it tickles me. | ||
| That used to be Polly's move. | ||
| He would take it out. | ||
| She'll do anything. | ||
| Take his balls out? | ||
| He would just take a dick out. | ||
| Just his whole dick. | ||
| Yeah, and he would say, like, either they're going to do this or they're not. | ||
| We're going to find out right now. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, girl, you're dating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Girl, you're dating will suck your balls. | ||
| Some girls won't suck the balls. | ||
| They'll suck your dick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But there's a line they won't cross. | ||
| There's girls who you can't come in their mouth. | ||
| That's a nice, huge, huge turnoff. | ||
| While I was married, Allie was walking by, and, um, and, uh, We were pretending. | ||
| I just have my balls out all the time. | ||
| At the store, just all the time. | ||
| Just have my dick and balls out. | ||
| And we're trying to convince this one girl to, like, no, it's totally normal. | ||
| They smell fine. | ||
| You should suck it. | ||
| Oh, I remember this. | ||
| And then Alan walked by and pretended, like, oh, really? | ||
| She pretended like she didn't know me. | ||
| And she was like, hey, what's going on? | ||
| She's like, do you know this guy? | ||
| He's like, no, what's happening? | ||
| I love the comedy store. | ||
| It's so fun here. | ||
| They were like, we're trying to explain. | ||
| Like, it's totally cool. | ||
| Just suck this guy's dick. | ||
| She's like, oh, yeah, what do you mean? | ||
| Yeah, I'll do it. | ||
| We're together. | ||
| So she starts blowing you in front of everybody. | ||
| So she was like, yeah, it's fine, whatever. | ||
| I'm going back inside. | ||
| And then she would just walk out. | ||
| I was going to try to convince this girl that it's totally normal. | ||
| Do you have this on tape? | ||
| Somewhere. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| And nobody got embarrassed for her. | ||
| I was like, yeah, she does this. | ||
| I'm with her. | ||
| Of course, she does this. | ||
| What did the girl say? | ||
| She was so confused by it. | ||
| She's like, what is happening? | ||
| That was really funny. | ||
| What kind of world is this? | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, she was. | ||
| Wow, that's pretty crazy. | ||
| Now she's in the Jesus. | ||
| Is she really? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Your ex is into Jesus? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You need to have her on a skeptic tank. | ||
| Hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| When was the last time you talked to her? | ||
| We text sometimes. | ||
| Text. | ||
| What about in person? | ||
| It's been about a year and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| In that time, she went to Jesus. | ||
| She went to Jesus, yeah. | ||
| How long ago did you break up? | ||
| Two years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three? | |
| No. | ||
| Four? | ||
| Four? | ||
| Four or five? | ||
| No, it was post the store. | ||
| We just figured that out, right? | ||
| That it's been five years since I quit going to the store. | ||
| What, 2007? | ||
| 2007, February. | ||
| Yeah, because when all that stuff happened, I had someone else. | ||
| That, I think we'd already broken up by that. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| Yeah, so it's like five years ago. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, a year and a half ago she got into Jesus? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm not good with time. | ||
| Marijuana's definitely ruined that. | ||
| Is that a guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Time. | |
| What? | ||
| You think it's a guy that's into Jesus? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's just like, you know, she didn't want to do whatever she was doing anymore. | ||
| People find the Jesus. | ||
| But then she started saying that she came to a sermon with me, and I'm like, stop it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You know it's all I can do not to mock you. | ||
| But meanwhile, she's really intelligent. | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| She was a very intelligent person. | ||
| Super smart people like the Jesus all the time. | ||
| I don't quite get it. | ||
| You've got to get her on the skeptic. | ||
| Yeah, I will. | ||
| I'll get her on that. | ||
| There's a part of their... | ||
| They compartmentalize their logic. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And the idea behind it is great. | ||
| The idea behind... | ||
| I mean, if it was real, goddammit, wouldn't it be beautiful? | ||
| Wouldn't it be beautiful if they're really... | ||
| And it is real, man! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell you what, you need to find Jesus! | |
| If you found Jesus, you would know! | ||
| But they're not lying to you when they say that. | ||
| It's because if you really do believe... | ||
| You feel more fulfilled, I guess. | ||
| Then it's like, I'm happy for you if you're happy. | ||
| But like... | ||
| Well, she was... | ||
| God, in what? | ||
| She probably wasn't happy. | ||
| You know, a lot of girls who do like... | ||
| They get wild and they like blow guys at the comedy store in front of people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like that kind of behavior. | ||
| That kind of wild behavior. | ||
| That's fun if you're around people who think it's fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But if you're not and you get judged by enough people who don't think that shit is funny, and if you're the type of person who does wild shit and tries to be funny and tries to have a good time and is a little impulsive, people will fucking judge you to the point where you start to think that your morals are really questionable and you're a fucked up person. | ||
| You need to get your shit together. | ||
| And if you hear that enough and you don't have a support system behind you, you'll crack. | ||
| Maybe that's what it is. | ||
| She doesn't have you anymore. | ||
| I mean, think about it. | ||
| She's living with this guy. | ||
| I mean, you're my friend. | ||
| You're here and everything like that. | ||
| But you're a brilliant guy, okay? | ||
| You're very, very intelligent, very educated, very well-read. | ||
| And you're around her all the time, so you're having intelligent conversations with her. | ||
| And if people don't have that in their life, if all of a sudden they get cut off from that... | ||
| And everyone's just telling you, don't do this, don't do that. | ||
| And you're around morons. | ||
| And you're around a giant swarm of moron influence and moron information. | ||
| I was talking to those people in Minneapolis, and they were like, what would you rather have? | ||
| A... Virgin who's not good at sex or someone who's very good at sex but has had sex with a lot of people. | ||
| I'm like, definitely the one who's had sex with a lot of people. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| But then you know she's had sex with people. | ||
| You're like, yeah, fine, that's fine. | ||
| Wake up, bitch. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Of course, who cares? | ||
| Weak ass. | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| As long as she's not all diseased up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| As long as she's not got the heavy. | ||
| She's the virgin. | ||
| I'll teach her how to do it. | ||
| You like the virgin? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Teach her how to do stuff. | ||
| She's like, ew, I don't want you sweating on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Open up your spreadsheet. | |
| That's all you need to do. | ||
| Ew, I feel bad. | ||
| Ew, I can't believe I gave it to you. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Oh, they're gonna cry. | ||
| She can talk. | ||
| Alright, he didn't say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he didn't say that. | |
| He's like a virgin alien. | ||
| That wasn't part of their deal! | ||
| Yeah, you definitely want to go with the slut. | ||
| But you don't want to go with the crying. | ||
| The problem with a girl who's had sex with a lot of people is a lot of times they feel bad about it. | ||
| Or they've done it because there's some underlying issue. | ||
| Anyone that's been around a little bit just seems like they're cool with sex. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| We'll have sex when we feel like having sex. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| Some of them, yes. | ||
| And I'm just saying, the occasional bomb, the occasional one out of ten that starts crying ruins all the rest of the fun girls. | ||
| Look at Wiza. | ||
| She hates sex. | ||
| She talks about how she hates having sex. | ||
| That's too bad because everybody wants to fuck her. | ||
| Why does she hate it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| She's just like, a minute and a half, I'm done. | ||
| I just want it to be over with. | ||
| She seems super uncomfortable about a lot of shit, though. | ||
| She's a strange girl. | ||
| She's super aggressive, real competitive, loves her dog, holds onto the dog. | ||
| She's really quick and aggressive. | ||
| I saw her at Sarah Tiana's birthday last night, and she didn't have her dog, so I'm looking around in her purse. | ||
| What was she wearing last night? | ||
| Regular clothes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She changes and gets dressed down before she goes on stage. | ||
| That's how cool she is as a comic. | ||
| She doesn't want to get judged by anybody looking at her or anything like that. | ||
| She's hot! | ||
| She's got a great body. | ||
| She puts on a loose t-shirt and jeans and floppy jeans. | ||
| And then she goes back to the car, gets into nice clothes, attractive clothes, and then goes out with her girlfriends. | ||
| Sticks her ass out. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| I love sending her pictures of just random black dicks out of nowhere. | ||
| How does she react to that? | ||
| She loves it. | ||
| Yeah, you say she loves it. | ||
| She might be saving them up in a portfolio for when you start getting rich. | ||
| She's going to fucking sue you. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could be, man. | |
| I worry about that with any person I talk to. | ||
| It's not sexual harassment if you just do it to a person, right? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| Is this stupid, loopy-ass fucking day? | ||
| In comics to comics, I think you're safe doing that. | ||
| You would think, but I don't think it works that way, dude. | ||
| The employee handbook for the La Jolla Comedy Store said, like, you cannot say anything of a racial manner to another employee. | ||
| You cannot say anything of a sexual manner to another employee. | ||
| It's like all these rules, but it goes... | ||
| But then he goes, with that being said, you will hear from on stage some of the worst imaginable language from any human. | ||
| That doesn't matter. | ||
| You still can't act like that to other employees. | ||
| You'll hear horribly things saying, super racist, super sexist, like every night. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you work there and you're like a waiter and you try to be as funny as the comedians to your staff. | ||
| No, not while you got the t-shirt on. | ||
| Yeah, you'll go to jail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll take everything. | ||
| Get a lawsuit. | ||
| They'll take everything, man. | ||
| Fuck you, CNN. Here's an article. | ||
| George Clooney still open to marriage. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Still open to marriage? | ||
| Do you hear what happened today in West Hollywood? | ||
| What? | ||
| This guy started... | ||
| This is what I heard on the way here, so I don't know what the full story is, but this guy started walking around these houses and kicking people's doors in and yelling, and then he kicked somebody's door down and then caught the house on fire and shot three people. | ||
| What?! | ||
| Yeah, like two 38-year-old women and a 34-year-old guy. | ||
| Whoa, today? | ||
| Okay, explain that again. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He kicked somebody's door down. | ||
| He started kicking people's door down somewhere near Melrose. | ||
| And then he just started fucking shooting people and then caught some house on fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But they were still figuring it out while I was driving here. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like, oh, we don't know what's going on. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That guy in Utah lit his kids on fire. | ||
| No, he killed him with a hatchet and then blew the house up. | ||
| And then lit it on fire. | ||
| And then blew the house up. | ||
| Why do I feel better about that? | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| I thought he just lit it all on fire to have to burn it up. | ||
| No, it's terrible. | ||
| What he did was the social worker came that was supposed to babysit him while he was with the kids. | ||
| He was supposed to be there. | ||
| He's not supposed to have... | ||
| And they ran into the house. | ||
| He grabs them, pulls them in, pushes the guy out, kills the kids with a hammer. | ||
| The guy opens the door. | ||
| door he smells gas and then the uh the guy who kills the kids with a hatchet rather it blows up the house and kills all of them because if he can't have no one can i don't know what the reason i think he lost custody he killed the wife he killed he had killed the wife yeah he killed the wife and he was under suspicion of it and while he was under suspicion they found uh pornography questionable pornography on his computer questionable I heard what it was was child porn. | ||
| That just proves he didn't love his wife because he had porn? | ||
| It was child porn, but it was animated. | ||
| It was animated child porn. | ||
| Animated child porn? | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| I didn't even think they had that. | ||
| This is, by the way, third-hand information. | ||
| Do you know that Jerry Sandusky was trying to gain the right to go onto his back porch? | ||
| Oh, he was going on his back porch. | ||
| Yeah, and while he was there, he was looking at... | ||
| An elementary school. | ||
| An elementary school. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| That's where he lives? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he can look at an elementary school? | ||
| That wasn't even part of the beginning part of the story? | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| That guy's a fucking monster. | ||
| He wants a chance to see his grandkids so he can have one more before he goes away. | ||
| It's so crazy that that guy got as far as he got. | ||
| One more taste. | ||
| When you hear him talk about it, it's scary as fuck. | ||
| Just the way he talked about it. | ||
| Are you attracted to children? | ||
| Am I attracted to children? | ||
| That's how he answered it. | ||
| He didn't say, No! | ||
| No, no, stop. | ||
| No, no, of course not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I think he might be struggling with it really hard. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Well, they say that almost everybody that is in that sort of a situation got molested when they were young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how those people reproduce. | ||
| Isn't it nuts? | ||
| That's their method of reproduction. | ||
| What a fucking crazy thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't it nuts that you can imprint that into a child's mind? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I don't think it's 100%. | ||
| That's how you ensure the species moves on. | ||
| There's a lot of people that get molested that don't wind up doing that. | ||
| It's like people who are around when their father beats their mother. | ||
| Some people, they grow up to beat their wife as well. | ||
| It becomes, or if your parents beat you, you beat your kids. | ||
| And some of them, it's the opposite way. | ||
| They're like, there's no way I'd ever hit my kids. | ||
| I think it just depends if you like it. | ||
| When I got molested by that babysitter, she was hot, and I loved it. | ||
| That's totally different. | ||
| You were like, how old were you? | ||
| Like 10 or 11. And she was a chick and she was pretty? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was fun for me. | ||
| There's such a difference between a guy doing that to a little kid and a girl doing that to a little kid. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't want some chick blowing my kids. | ||
| I wouldn't want to come home and some fucking hot chick is blowing a 10-year-old boy. | ||
| You know, I wouldn't want to see that. | ||
| That would be fucked up, and you would have to call the cops and everything, but man, it would be... | ||
| The only thing that would be traumatic is the poor guy would probably be in love with her. | ||
| You know, when you hear like a young... | ||
| She's my favorite babysitter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why can't you hire her anymore? | ||
| She was so much more fun than the other ones. | ||
| Yeah, I'm friends with her on Facebook because I hunted her down. | ||
| I wanted to marry her. | ||
| Now she's way older than you. | ||
| She's still hot, dude. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Put up a link, dog. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Just show me a picture on your phone. | ||
| Don't show it to the camera. | ||
| Listen, just tweet it. | ||
| No one's going to care. | ||
| No, absolutely do not tweet it. | ||
| Look, people on Twitter are really cool. | ||
| You can tweet it just a picture, but don't tweet her name. | ||
| No, I can't even do that. | ||
| Tweet the shit out of the poker. | ||
| This show's too big nowadays. | ||
| Tweet the shit out of that bitch. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| I'm not saying. | ||
| I almost fucking said it, too. | ||
| That was a great... | ||
| It sounded reasonable, too, and it came out of your mouth. | ||
| I was like, yeah, I was like, oh, wait, no, that's all of it. | ||
| Just say your first and last name. | ||
| Really good at convincing people. | ||
| Okay, okay, what's your name? | ||
| It's the host of Fear Factor. | ||
| You're like, it's way worse. | ||
| Which, by the way, is canceled forever. | ||
| No, it got canceled again? | ||
| It's over. | ||
| For real? | ||
| It's over, folks. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| I'm sorry, man. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| So it's 100% now. | ||
| It's too whore-like. | ||
| I enjoyed the money. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I enjoyed the time. | ||
| I enjoyed hanging out with all the Fear Factor people. | ||
| There's a fucking awesome group of people, but I'd rather do my own thing, even though it was great money. | ||
| I'm not hurting for money. | ||
| I'm all right. | ||
| That's the only thing I feel bad for you for. | ||
| Yeah, it was fun money. | ||
| It was good, but the reality is I enjoy working for the UFC and doing comedy a hundred times more. | ||
| It was okay to do. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was fun to be back with all the people. | ||
| I loved all the people and worked with them again, but... | ||
| The difference between the enjoyment you get of doing something that you really love doing and the enjoyment, it's still a badass job. | ||
| As far as jobs go, it's the fucking shit. | ||
| I would never complain about it. | ||
| I have in the past and it sounds really douchey. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| No one can really understand that. | ||
| No one can really understand that you get complacent with it like you start expecting that kind of money once you get it. | ||
| It was fun because the people that I worked with were fun. | ||
| And the cast, the contestants this year were awesome. | ||
| There was a lot of great contestants. | ||
| A lot of really fucking funny people. | ||
| Really crazy people. | ||
| But it is what it is. | ||
| And it's over. | ||
| The end. | ||
| I can't believe that. | ||
| It was hard for them to get advertisers for it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn, you should have aired that donkey one. | ||
| Yeah, I got it on my phone. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's the girl. | ||
| Oh, that's her? | ||
| That's your former babysitter? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Let me see her. | ||
| I won't show anybody. | ||
| She also does karate. | ||
| Some dude, she's wearing sunglasses indoors. | ||
| She also does karate. | ||
| She does karate? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's her now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's not bad. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Where'd she live? | ||
| Living thin. | ||
| What's the... | ||
| You know, I don't even want to say it. | ||
| Midwestern? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Midwestern, yeah. | ||
| If you catch that in the Midwest, that's totally fine. | ||
| You're like, yeah, that's great. | ||
| She's like a black belt in karate or something like that. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| You should kick your ass and suck your dick. | ||
| She has a nice family now. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| She's got kids? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You haven't heard my bit. | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you have a bit about it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because I'll see you Friday night at the Ice House in Pasadena. | |
| What time's the show? | ||
| Show's at 10 o'clock and go to icehousecomedy.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you going? | |
| I'm going to be there. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Shafir's in the house! | ||
| I think Moshe's going to be there. | ||
| Moshe Kasher. | ||
| Yeah, and Doug Pound, DJ Doug Pound from Tim and Eric. | ||
| I'm going to try to get Arch Barker to come down as well because he just said that he's there Friday night until Monday afternoon. | ||
| Maybe I'll get him to come early and we'll do a podcast with him before the Ice House. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| Oh yeah, smart. | ||
| How long is he here from Australia? | ||
| Till Monday. | ||
| He said till Monday. | ||
| And Ice House Chronicles, what we do is, the Ice House shows are some of my favorite shows ever. | ||
| The stand-up shows and the podcast shows. | ||
| We have a studio in the Ice House in Pasadena. | ||
| It's a separate room. | ||
| And what we do is we start the show and we start a podcast just a little bit before the show. | ||
| And then people just run back, do a set, and then come back and hang out. | ||
| It's a fucking best hangout. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The last one, I got so fucking high from that weed. | |
| Oh, that weed's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was shaking, and then Brody was supposed to be on in front of me. | |
| He's like, I can't, Brody's like, I can't go up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, either can I? And I'm like, I've never been to Stone before. | |
| And I had to go up. | ||
| I was forced to go up on stage. | ||
| I had the best set I've ever had in my life. | ||
| Oh, you can go up totally high if you know your interior. | ||
| It worked. | ||
| It worked. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Or was it like that time in Facts of Life? | ||
| No. | ||
| She wrote, had this right to support, and she kept professing, and then she got high and wrote it, and she was like, that's so long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wrote it. | |
| It was definitely the best set I've ever had. | ||
| But the next morning, it was a terrible report. | ||
| You take bad Facts of Life. | ||
| It wasn't Jill. | ||
| Who was the rich girl? | ||
| Not Foodie. | ||
| Blair? | ||
| Blair, yeah, yeah, it was Blair. | ||
| Blair was kind of hot but a little chubby. | ||
| And it was like three words per page. | ||
| She was a little chubby but hot. | ||
| She had to fight it. | ||
| I'm sure they had network heads going, listen, you need you to eat less right now. | ||
| But she was a good kisser. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| She kissed you like you were ice cream. | ||
| I gotta watch that show again with them in mind as just young, young women in a boarding house. | ||
| And how much were they fucking on the side? | ||
| Probably a bunch. | ||
| It's probably hard for a woman who's in a position like that where they become super, super successful. | ||
| It's probably hard for them to find mates. | ||
| If a woman is making a ton of money, like a Jennifer Aniston type woman, she's dating some regular dude now, right? | ||
| Isn't she dating some regular guy? | ||
| It's hard to get someone to look at you as a regular person. | ||
| That takes a long time. | ||
| Well, not only that, man, I think for women, it's like a normal thing for the man to be more successful than the woman. | ||
| And when the woman is like way more successful than the man, I think it gets sketchy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I was in some waiting room at some dentist or something, and I saw a magazine with the one hot chick from, or not the one hot chick, but from the Desperate Housewives. | ||
| The one who used to be on Superman. | ||
| Lois and Superman. | ||
| Oh, the fake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eva? | |
| Eva. | ||
| Not even Longoria. | ||
| The one who's just slightly less hot than even Longoria. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Terri Hatcher. | ||
| Terri Hatcher. | ||
| Yeah, and she said... | ||
| Terri Hatcher. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terri Hatcher. | |
| Who's way hotter. | ||
| We ended up getting it. | ||
| Terri Hatcher would be a shit if they just put her in one of those shows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she said from now on she's never going to let herself pay for a date. | ||
| She still expects everyone to pay. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because that's how it works. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| She's worth like $100 million. | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, what do you mean you have so much more money to make? | ||
| Just pay for it. | ||
| Yeah, no, Ari. | ||
| You have to pay for it. | ||
| You have to buy her dinner and then beg her for sex. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, you know what? | ||
| She's probably not into you anyway, so... | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to be like some Brad Pitt type dude to stimulate a woman like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You'd have to be like someone even more famous than her, or even more powerful than her. | ||
| I mean, I would think. | ||
| You would say no. | ||
| I mean, people would say, you're fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Your point of view is stupid. | ||
| It's asinine. | ||
| There is a certain chimpanzee logic to it. | ||
| Yeah, they want someone to do that to them. | ||
| They want an alpha. | ||
| Sometimes, some people. | ||
| Even the ones that don't, man. | ||
| How long do these last? | ||
| Like our friend, for instance, who will remain nameless, who recently left his girl, who will also remain nameless, and he was in the beta position during the entire relationship. | ||
| I knew. | ||
| I'm like, this shit ain't going to work. | ||
| How the fuck is this going to work? | ||
| Women like that always complain that the dude doesn't have any money. | ||
| But the other ones don't work either. | ||
| Those ones were better. | ||
| All of his other relationships, when he was the alpha, it doesn't work either. | ||
| When was he ever the alpha? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, what are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| How dare you. | ||
| I've never seen that turn around. | ||
| How dare you make shit up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's a good point. | ||
| Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Check out the information for all the upcoming shows. | ||
| The January or March 2nd through 4th. | ||
| Are you in town? | ||
| March, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, are you? | ||
| First weekend? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Powerful R. Shafir will be with me at Brea, California. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| Yeah, I'll totally do that. | ||
| Powerful Bray, Ari Shafir. | ||
| There you go, folks. | ||
| You saw that? | ||
| It was booked on the spot. | ||
| That's how we do the April 13th through 15th. | ||
| I'm at the Hollywood Florida Improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| Very nice. | ||
| That's the hard rock down there. | ||
| Crazy one. | ||
| 420, Atlanta, Georgia. | ||
| That's the Tabernacle. | ||
| Tickets go on sale tomorrow. | ||
| And then May 4th, New York City. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Manhattan Theater. | ||
| Manhattan Theater? | ||
| You sure that's it? | ||
| Something like that, yeah. | ||
| And I'm in Alberta. | ||
| Calgary. | ||
| Remember that place we did in Calgary? | ||
| We had to have extra seats on stage. | ||
| Yeah, we had a break. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| We need to play Japan while we're there. | ||
| There's a comedy store in there in Japan or something like that. | ||
| I want to just go hang out. | ||
| If you want to go to the comedy store, we'll go and... | ||
| Isn't there one? | ||
| Like a comedy store? | ||
| A comedy something. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| We'll find it. | ||
| Brazil was fun just to hang out. | ||
| Yeah, we had a good time. | ||
| Ari and I, we had some real Brazilian chuhascaria. | ||
| How good was that fucking meat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so good. | |
| We went back. | ||
| We went back two days in a row like that. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| So many different flavors, too. | ||
| Dude, Rio is amazing. | ||
| That's why I got in this coconut water. | ||
| I was just walking on the beach and they sell those coconuts for two or three L's or whatever and they just chop it open and give you a straw. | ||
| You know, they sell that here in Los Angeles as fruit stands. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You're a Mexican with a fruit stand. | ||
| They have coconuts in there and they just chop it up and give you a straw. | ||
| It's so nice. | ||
| Joey Diaz taught me about that. | ||
| By the way, me and Joey Diaz are in Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| Oh, when are you doing that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's the weekend, Yeah, they asked for me and Joey. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| First time ever on the road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| May 19th? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Something like that. | ||
| Count your tickets. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Count your tickets. | ||
| Dude, that guy. | ||
| You know this fucking guy. | ||
| I'm just going to make some posters. | ||
| I'm going to bring a Death Squad poster. | ||
| Who has booked this? | ||
| Did Joey book it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey booked it. | |
| Some woman came up to him and said she wanted to book me and Joey. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| At the same club, the Funny Bone? | ||
| Funny Bone, and then we're trying to do... | ||
| We're also doing maybe Scully's on Ohio State campus, or we might do Cleveland. | ||
| The Funny Bone is the shit. | ||
| Yeah, Cleveland's good. | ||
| Skip over and do the improv in Cleveland. | ||
| The Funny Bone in Columbia is an awesome fucking club. | ||
| It's one of the great clubs in the country as far as how it's low and tight. | ||
| Yeah, it is, low ceilings. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great fucking place. | ||
| All right, so that's all that information. | ||
| Higherprimate.com. | ||
| Can I have some dates? | ||
| Fuck yeah, what do you got? | ||
| Well, on March 15th, I'm doing Easton, Maryland at the Avalon Theater. | ||
| Do you have a website where everybody can see all your dates if they don't remember this? | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| You can remember that. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| They're all up there right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari Shaffir on Twitter. | |
| A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R on Twitter. | ||
| I'll be in Addison on April 12th to the 15th at the Addison Improv. | ||
| The Improvs will finally let me headline. | ||
| That's awesome, dude. | ||
| Addison, Texan. | ||
| This is the shit! | ||
| Addison apparently was the one city in Dallas back in the olden days where you could drink. | ||
| That's why it's wild. | ||
| Really? | ||
| In Prohibition, you could still drink there? | ||
| Well, not during Prohibition. | ||
| They used to have weird laws about the city of Dallas, but Addison was where you could go to drink and smoke. | ||
| I think you might still be able to smoke in the club. | ||
| It might be one of the last places. | ||
| Maybe they changed that. | ||
| I hope they didn't. | ||
| Even though I hate cigarettes, I also like personal freedom. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
| That's the one where it infringes on other people. | ||
| Yeah, it's stinky. | ||
| Well, the real issue is for people who work there. | ||
| It's stinky. | ||
| But it's also, there's something about girls that smoke. | ||
| They're sluttier. | ||
| Yeah, you just know that they make decisions that don't matter. | ||
| Yeah, they're crazy bitches. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| They're throwing cigarettes out the window, and they're not even thinking about where it goes. | ||
| I love girls. | ||
| It's a sign. | ||
| They're shoving a dick down their mouth. | ||
| The loads go off. | ||
| They're not thinking about what's going in there. | ||
| They're not thinking about that stinky dick. | ||
| Obviously not 100% of the time, but it helps your odds. | ||
| It increases the odds of finding a where. | ||
| Substantially. | ||
| You see a girl with red nail polish, and she's chewing gum. | ||
| And she spits her gum out into the bushes and then lights a cigarette. | ||
| That girl might suck her dick. | ||
| And you're like, hey, so what are we doing later? | ||
| Yeah, that girl might be crazy. | ||
| She's not thinking about shit. | ||
| She's just living for momentary little blips of thrills. | ||
| If you're interested in coming to the Ice House, go to, what is it? | ||
| Icehousecomedy.com and search for Joe Rogan or Death Squad. | ||
| Yeah, stage two. | ||
| Look for stage two. | ||
| Because that's what we're doing. | ||
| And Matt and Mark, we're going to do a fuckload of dates there. | ||
| Because I'm going to be around most of March. | ||
| You think you're all Mr. Fear Factor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think you're all Fear Factor? | |
| I forgot about that girl. | ||
| That girl in Boston, that monster. | ||
| You're going to tell your friends. | ||
| She was having something with our friend. | ||
| That accent is just so bad. | ||
| And while they were doing it, she was going, You're going to tell your friends. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You're going to tell your friends. | ||
| No one's going to know about this. | ||
| Yeah, he told us. | ||
| It's because it was gross. | ||
| He told us the opposite. | ||
| Not like he was a stud. | ||
| Not bragging him. | ||
| He told us how sad it was. | ||
| Here he is, sobering up while he's half-hard inside of her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she's going, you're going to tell your friends. | |
| Oh, no. | ||
| I saw a girl walk across that old, what was that old room that they don't have anymore? | ||
| Connection? | ||
| Yeah, comedy connection. | ||
| And she was super hot. | ||
| Walked all the way across the room, like outside there. | ||
| And I was like, and she's looking right at me. | ||
| And she just comes over. | ||
| She was going to the bathroom, but she stopped and came to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She goes, you're a wicked pissy funny or whatever crap. | |
| I'm like, ugh. | ||
| You're a wicked pisser. | ||
| Wicked pisser funny. | ||
| Killed it all. | ||
| You just teach her how to talk different. | ||
| She'd be fine. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| You think you can do that though? | ||
| I couldn't have the patience to do that. | ||
| You know, that girl I used to date from Texas, Jessica, she would have the thickest, when I first met her, the thickest accent. | ||
| It was just like, aw, y'all. | ||
| It sounded like she was a hillbilly. | ||
| Then she moved to LA, completely lost it. | ||
| And then moved back, completely got it again. | ||
| I bet when she went home to visit, it came back a little stronger, right? | ||
| Yeah, it did. | ||
| I would have asked her to keep it. | ||
| I love that accent. | ||
| Texas accent's my favorite. | ||
| Those are real women. | ||
| Those are women. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They want to be women. | ||
| They don't want to be president. | ||
| They don't want to be running shit. | ||
| They like being women. | ||
| The manlier areas where the men are manly, who's manlier than Texas dudes? | ||
| It's like big belt buckles and fucking trucks. | ||
| Those are the womanly women. | ||
| You know, whereas you get to San Francisco, you get chicks that want to fucking stuff a Birkenstock up your ass and scream at you because, you know, you don't want to give them the right to choose. | ||
| Obviously, these are generalizations, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just talking here. | |
| It's impossible for girls in Texas to even roll their eyes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why? | ||
| They're just so, like, laid back? | ||
| They're not allowed. | ||
| Go to higherprimate.com if you're interested in monkeys and weed and psychedelics. | ||
| That's my t-shirt line. | ||
| Brian's reminding me. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| You need sales, too. | ||
| You never have sales or coupons for that. | ||
| Okay, I'll get a coupon. | ||
| Yeah, you should have a sale. | ||
| Old stuff that you're not going to sell much anymore. | ||
| People keep on asking me. | ||
| I need to make a coupon code. | ||
| But you know what bands do? | ||
| This is my new thing. | ||
| I think you should do it. | ||
| A t-shirt of the year. | ||
| Every year. | ||
| Some new design. | ||
| Oh, that's a good idea. | ||
| You know, because they have the old last year's t-shirt, it's 50% off. | ||
| You know what we should do? | ||
| We should do a Joe Rogan Experience podcast t-shirt by this dude. | ||
| Which dude? | ||
| Worldwide Sweatpants, whatever the fuck his name is. | ||
| Mike Maxwell? | ||
| Formal Sweatpants? | ||
| Formal Sweatpants. | ||
| That's Formal Sweatpants. | ||
| That's not Mike Maxwell. | ||
| But Maxwell did a great job with the Chicago posters, too. | ||
| Yeah, have this guy do a t-shirt, but that's your 2012 t-shirt. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a bad idea. | ||
| What should it be on it? | ||
| The Death Squad Cat? | ||
| I'm tired of that cat, bro. | ||
| Especially when you changed him. | ||
| You changed him just to fuck Monkey Todd over. | ||
| I know what you did. | ||
| All those guys that have that tattoo. | ||
| It's a marketing move. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| That guy said, hey, I'm going to get a tattoo. | ||
| I'm like, don't do that. | ||
| Don't fucking build heroes out of nowhere. | ||
| Well, it's cool. | ||
| It's like the old Marvel logo. | ||
| It's kind of even hipper. | ||
| The old cat. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's a marketing move. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| We started this new drink at the comedy store. | ||
| It's called Suck My Cock? | ||
| No, it's delicious. | ||
| It's a Shirley Temple with cherry rum. | ||
| Oh, what is it? | ||
| It's a Shirley Temple with cherry rum in it. | ||
| And so at first we called it Shirley's Period. | ||
| But then we thought that just wouldn't catch on enough. | ||
| So we called it Temple of Doom. | ||
| Way easier off the tongue. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So now it's just going to be, hey, you know what they originally called this? | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| It's going to be part of the folklore. | ||
| And so that's a drink that they sell at the store now? | ||
| Yeah, we invented it, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Only the front bar would know about it, and I guess the back bar. | ||
| Well, if you order it, though, someone could ask someone. | ||
| If you're there, if you're working, they could order it. | ||
| Anytime the front bar is open, they all know now. | ||
| Everybody knows now. | ||
| You invented a fucking drink. | ||
| Do you get a copyright on that already? | ||
| No, just some satisfaction. | ||
| I hope that takes off. | ||
| That'd be badass if we were in Vegas a couple years from now. | ||
| We ordered Temple of Dooms and everybody knew what it was. | ||
| It's so delicious. | ||
| Right before you had gay sex. | ||
| You could have it super alcohol-y. | ||
| You can't taste it. | ||
| Podcast's over, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you. | |
| How dare you. | ||
| So we'll try to get Arge Barker for tomorrow. | ||
| No guarantees, though. | ||
| But for sure we will have an Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| I think they might send me to Australia. | ||
| to what for Insight Time or do like a run of the cities oh one night in each city they might send you who are the people that we worked with my agent oh your agent I don't know if he's talking A-list he's talking to oh that's cool isn't that the people that we worked with when we were there I'm not sure is it yeah I'm pretty sure that'd be cool oh yeah Kylie yeah yeah they were great Yeah, Australia's awesome, man. | ||
| It's just too far away. | ||
| I would go for like two weeks. | ||
| For those asking about the UFC in Australia, I'm not going. | ||
| I'm not going to any of the FX or Fuel shows. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, no more. | ||
| They're on four channels. | ||
| I'm doing only the ones that are on pay-per-view and the Fox ones. | ||
| Those are the ones I'm doing. | ||
| So I got to watch last night. | ||
| Jake Ellenberger and Diego Sanchez went to war. | ||
| Holy shit, that was a great fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Classic. | |
| Fight of the Year candidate. | ||
| You should do one of those drunk casts now that you're not going to do them. | ||
| Totally should. | ||
| We should have done that last night. | ||
| Next time. | ||
| Next time we'll do that. | ||
| We'll do a drunk cast. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Yeah, we'll do it. | ||
| We'll broadcast. | ||
| I've never done one of those. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'll set up a fucking TV in here. | ||
| I'll bring a TV in here. | ||
| We'll just do it at the Ice House. | ||
| You don't have a TV at the Ice House. | ||
| And we're not going to do it illegal, you fuckhead. | ||
| No, we don't have to do it illegal. | ||
| We just rent it on Xbox. | ||
| Oh, you can rent it on Xbox? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, or just get me an Xbox code from Dana. | ||
| I'm sure he has one of those. | ||
| Get you an Xbox code. | ||
| I'd rather pay for it, like a goddamn good citizen. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| 50 bucks, right? | ||
| Hey, we have what? | ||
| Nothing, I'll tell you later. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Private stuff. | ||
| Private stuff. | ||
| Oh, the guys who sent us the super cool bong, if you're interested in it, go to jetwaterpipes.com. | ||
| That's the name of it. | ||
| It's pretty badass. | ||
| It gets my full support. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Brian, four stars? | ||
| Yes, me too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four stars. | |
| I'll be in Toronto March 23rd, I think. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| Is everything up there? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Go to AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| That's how you go. | ||
| Ari Shaffir on Twitter. | ||
| A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. I got really high for this one. | ||
| This was a good one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I enjoyed it. | ||
| That bong was really good. | ||
| I thought you folks enjoyed it. | ||
| It showed everything in. | ||
| What can we tell you that hasn't already been said, folks? | ||
| We love you. | ||
| We appreciate you. | ||
| Most of you. | ||
| There's a few of you that are pretty fucked up, and you need to go to... | ||
| Kill yourself. | ||
| Just kill yourself. | ||
| No, just get a flashlight from Joe Rogan's website. | ||
| Get some ayahuasca in your system. | ||
| Yeah, you'll feel better. | ||
| Go to Costa Rica. | ||
| Have an Ibogaine session. | ||
| Oh, Aubrey, formerly known as Chris, the artist formerly known as Chris, is going there soon. | ||
| He's going to do Ibogaine in Costa Rica. | ||
| He's going to come back and tell us everything. | ||
| He's going to come back with a different name. | ||
| I am now Henry. | ||
| He's going to be Crystal Fuck. | ||
| I'm now Flower. | ||
| I'm now Flower Child. | ||
| Oh, and I have a podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank. | ||
| Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank, yeah. | ||
| Ari Shaffir's. | ||
| Should be the Ari Shaffir show. | ||
| Change that shit. | ||
| Should be the Ari Shaffir show, yeah. | ||
| Just the Ari Shaffir. | ||
| This is the Ari Shaffir show. | ||
| This is the Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| And that's, by the way, that's pretentious enough. | ||
| And it's only because I'm a huge Jimi Hendrix fan. | ||
| I basically ganked it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| This fucking show's over. | ||
| Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our program. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name Rogan. | ||
| You want one? | ||
| I got a box of them. | ||
| I got a stack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got your new girlfriend, dog. | |
| Enter in the code name Rogan. | ||
| You get 15% off. | ||
| We're also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. And if you go to JoeRogan.net and see the link for AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement that I took to be so smooth. | ||
| You got some cool art in here right now. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I started putting up some... | ||
| Yeah, some cool shit. | ||
| Yeah, I got a bunch of shit I put up. | ||
| Those are all... | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| Ralph Stedman. | ||
| Those are Stedmans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are cool. | |
| I've heard of him, right? | ||
| Yeah, he's the guy that did all of Hunter Thompson's artwork. | ||
| Those are pretty badass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I decided to dress this place up. | ||
| Oh, I should say the name of this fucking guy because I keep forgetting. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| The guy who did the thing behind Brian, I know his name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I was going to ask you about that. | ||
| My website's deathsquad.tv. | ||
| I have the review of the Vita right now. | ||
| Also, we have 5,000 new podcasts I just put up. | ||
| We got new Brian Callen, which has an awesome... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| How many podcasts do you have? | ||
| 5 million thousand podcasts. | ||
| Oh, if you want to watch the best podcast that we do, it's the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| It's as far as fun, and that's also available on the Death Squad label only. | ||
| They're long. | ||
| They'll take you the whole day. | ||
| Yeah, they're really long. | ||
| A lot of them are four hours and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go to Jiroga.net? | |
| Desquad.tv Go to iTunes and subscribe to Desquad. | ||
| Last 24 hours to vote for me for that web shorty show. | ||
| How are you doing? | ||
| I'm not supporting you on this. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I'm up against Anthony. | ||
| They're not sanctioned. | ||
| Grant Grand is the name of this dude who made this awesome fucking collage. | ||
| Grant Grand? | ||
| Yeah, Grant Grand. | ||
| It's... | ||
| Fucking, just all kinds of cool designs and all sorts of weird shit that he incorporated in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| It's really cool. | ||
| So, Grant, thank you very much. | ||
| Thank you very much for doing that. | ||
| Oh, Tripoli and Tebow, I'm here starting a sports podcast next week on Tuesday. | ||
| Sounds awful. | ||
| What kind of sports are you into? | ||
| UFC, basketball. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Sounds like the worst idea ever. | ||
| Flashlight. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Entering the code name ROGAN. It's 10% off from now on every order. | ||
| It's not just your first order at Onnit.com. | ||
| It's every order. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Hey man, you need more science behind it. | ||
| Double blind placebos. | ||
| Studies on the way. | ||
| Okay, we're working on it. | ||
| We're doing everything we're supposed to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey man, did you know that Steve Novella criticized your scientific report? | |
| Yep, yep. | ||
| We corrected everything he critiqued and we actually hired a scientific advisor. | ||
| We're doing all the right things, people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We're doing all the right things. | ||
| We're trying to keep it together. | ||
| It's all for the positive. | ||
| It's all for you. | ||
| This whole thing's for you. | ||
| It's for you. | ||
| It's for me. | ||
| Because we are all one. | ||
| And as we grow, you grow with us. | ||
| You are not the you that you used to be. | ||
| You are the accumulation of all your life's experiences. | ||
| And from now on, be the best person you possibly can be. | ||
| The funniest, the coolest, have your shit together, be the hero in your own story. | ||
| This should be an F for the Marines. | ||
| Should. | ||
| I should be a fucking recruiting angel. | ||
| I'm going to start my own Marines. | ||
| Someday. | ||
| We should start a cult. | ||
| We're going to start one. | ||
| We're definitely going to start a compound. | ||
| You want to build a house? | ||
| I'm thinking of no bullshit. | ||
| I'm thinking of buying a giant chunk of land near a lake and we all build houses there. | ||
| Just build houses like Amish people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, listen, man. | ||
| I will buy the land. | ||
| So we'll loan the land, and then I'll allow all my friends to come and build houses. | ||
| Let's just have some badass houses on this piece of property. | ||
| Does that not sound like a good idea? | ||
| And if we hear the incoming soon, we're like, hey, you want to go over there and do it? | ||
| I would be willing to do Fear Factor for one more season, just for the money for that. | ||
| I think it's a good idea. | ||
| You're willing to do Fairfactor anyway for one more time. | ||
| I would have kept going. | ||
| That's why I'm glad it ended. | ||
| Terrible bargaining position. | ||
| This fucking podcast is over. | ||
| Support Ari Shafir by going to AriTheGreat.com and by... | ||
| Subscribing to his podcast, which is Ari Shafir's Skeptic Tank, which is only available on iTunes and AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| And Stitcher. | ||
| Stitcher. | ||
| And do you have the Raw MP3 available on your website? | ||
| Yeah, that's my website. | ||
| So if someone has a fucking Zune or something, they can download it? | ||
| Oh yeah, you can just hit a link for it. | ||
| Yeah, you don't have to be like, it doesn't have... | ||
| Yeah, you don't have to go to iTunes or any of those things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| Come on, folks. | ||
| It can't get any nicer and smoother and easier. | ||
| When are you going to do a fucking visual version of it like this for Ustream? | ||
| We're doing that for the sports podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| We're not going to do it for... | ||
| And that's going to be called Punch Chunk. | ||
| It's coming in a week. | ||
| Did you have a really good one recently when you interviewed a hooker? | ||
| Interviewed a hooker was really good. | ||
| I heard a lot of good stuff about that one. | ||
| Two Holocaust Survivors was really good. | ||
| What episode is the hooker? | ||
| 40. Folks, tomorrow night we'll see you at the Ice House in Pasadena. | ||
| What time is the show time, Brian? | ||
| 10 o'clock show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Podcast starts at 9 at ustream.tv. | |
| Ari will be there. | ||
| I'm pretty sure... | ||
| Maybe Arch Barthel will come. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I would love to have him come. | ||
| Alright, this fucking show's over. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| We love you. |
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