Speaker | Time | Text |
---|---|---|
unidentified
|
There we go. | |
Are we broadcasting? | ||
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
For real? | ||
For real. | ||
Is this really happening? | ||
We're fucking tapped into the hive. | ||
unidentified
|
God damn it. | |
We're connected to the mothership. | ||
The Joe Rogan experience is brought to you by the flashlight. | ||
If you go to joerogan.net and click on the link for the flashlight and enter in the code name Rogan. | ||
What is this here? | ||
Auto record. | ||
This fucking U stream starts playing. | ||
It's craziness. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Nonsense is what it is. | ||
Two chicks talking. | ||
Awesome. | ||
Signing up. | ||
Fascinating. | ||
Where was I? | ||
Where was I? | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, droning on and on about rubber vaginas. | |
Why do you need a rubber vagina? | ||
Why? | ||
Because you don't want to have to listen to two annoying chicks talk just so that you can stick something inside of them and release some pressure. | ||
Release some pressure. | ||
What you don't need is, you know, there's wonderful sex to be had with people that you actually care about, with people that you actually enjoy, with, you know, a chick that you really get into, a sexy girl. | ||
Girls love boys and boys love girls and let's make it happen. | ||
But sometimes you're a prisoner to your own cock and balls. | ||
And that's where the fleshlight comes. | ||
unidentified
|
Amen. | |
Amen. | ||
What the fleshlight does is it frees you because masturbation is good enough. | ||
It's good enough. | ||
It's good enough to keep you sane. | ||
But you don't have those ball-draining orgasms that you do that you have during normal sex. | ||
Well, with the fleshlight, you have those fucking, those raisin-making, toe-crunching orgasms. | ||
The reason being is because it feels like a really tight, awesome vagina. | ||
It's a fucking great product. | ||
People are weirded out by it. | ||
You know, I got a box of it in my office. | ||
I got a huge heart on right now. | ||
When you walked in, I thought he said it was there making it. | ||
I was like, flashlight. | ||
No, no, flash. | ||
I know. | ||
And then I'm listening to you. | ||
And you saw it. | ||
unidentified
|
And I saw it and I'm listening to you describe it. | |
It sounds hot. | ||
It is hot. | ||
I mean, honestly, it sounds hot. | ||
And it's less than $100. | ||
I don't know how much it costs because I don't give a fuck. | ||
But if you go to joerogan.net and click on the link and enter in the code name Rogan, you'll get 15% off, whatever the fuck that is. | ||
And they're a solid sponsor. | ||
They've been with us from the beginning, back in the laptop days. | ||
We're also sponsored by Onit.com. | ||
That's O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement. | ||
Does it work? | ||
Yes, it works. | ||
I'm positive it works. | ||
I use it. | ||
I endorse it. | ||
If you try it and you don't like it, here's what you can do. | ||
You can do two things. | ||
One, if you buy a 30-day supply, 30 pills, whatever the fuck it is, you get your money back 100%. | ||
You don't have to send it back in. | ||
It used to be we had an open, honest policy where if you bought something and you didn't like it, you could send it back. | ||
But some cunt-faced twatmongers bought a bunch of shit and then sold it on eBay. | ||
Because that's how people roll. | ||
You know, it just takes about a little bit of time before some fucking douchebag thinks he's hacking the system. | ||
Some asshole, some torrent user, whatever. | ||
Listen, if you don't like the idea of it, if you think that it's whack, you think that it's, don't buy it. | ||
It's real simple. | ||
unidentified
|
If you think, oh, it's a placebo mass looking snake oil, don't buy it. | |
Don't buy it. | ||
Don't buy it. | ||
Shut the fuck up. | ||
Try it. | ||
If you don't like it, you get your money back. | ||
Google the word nootropic. | ||
There are tons of studies done, and all of them point to the fact that there's some cognitive enhancement to be found with using some supplements, certain supplements. | ||
Different people have different reactions to different ones. | ||
Google it. | ||
Try it out. | ||
I urge you, if you're interested, to go to our website and steal our ingredient list and make your own shit. | ||
Therefore, you'll save money. | ||
If you think it costs too much money, please go and buy it in bulk. | ||
Buy it in bulk and then you will save yourself some money. | ||
And I'll be happy. | ||
I really will because I'm far more concerned with no one feeling ripped off or obligated to buy any of this shit than I am with making any money. | ||
That's right. | ||
Got that out of the way? | ||
unidentified
|
Good. | |
If you want to buy it, go to onit.com. | ||
That's O-N-N-I-T. | ||
Enter in the code name Rogan, and you'll get 10% off the SmartySmart pills. | ||
Cha-Ching. | ||
Also, we make alpha, besides just Alpha Brand, we also make Shroom Tech Sport, which is an awesome supplement for anybody who's into working out really hard. | ||
If you're just sort of a couch potato type character, please avoid this supplement. | ||
It's not going to help you. | ||
But for anybody that's into like CrossFit or anything fucking crazy, you're doing kettlebell classes, you're manly, you're carrying wood, you're fucking chopping logs, bailing hay, taking your girl from behind, that kind of stuff. | ||
Yeah, for a man who wants that extra edge, just an extra 15 seconds of fury, whatever the fuck it's going to give you, try that. | ||
Also try cordyceps. | ||
We also, besides the cordyceps mushroom one in shroom tech sport, we also make shroom tech immune supplement for immune system. | ||
Check that out. | ||
Google it. | ||
All the information is available on ONNIT. | ||
And New Mood, the 5-HTP and L-tryptophan supplement that boosts your serotonin. | ||
Don't take it if you're on wacky pills because it kind of does the same thing that wacky pills does. | ||
And then you get an overdose of serotonin. | ||
BBB, you go crazy. | ||
And ABB is so happy. | ||
Are these Schroome Techs, they're mushrooms? | ||
Yes, it's all based on, there's two different mushrooms, the cordyceps mushrooms, and one of them, the other one, I'm not sure what the fuck is. | ||
Did you see the lecture on TED called How Mushrooms Could Save the World? | ||
Yes, I did. | ||
It's fucking fascinating. | ||
Fascinating. | ||
How about that one giant super organism in the Northwest, the Pacific Northwest? | ||
It's a giant fucking mushroom colony. | ||
underneath the ground. | ||
Yeah, spore colony It's enormous. | ||
It's bigger than a whale. | ||
Yeah, bigger than, yeah, it's bigger than that. | ||
It's huge. | ||
It covers an area of colour. | ||
But think of one mushroom organism bigger than a whale. | ||
Just wrap your head around that. | ||
What? | ||
A mushroom whale? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Anyway, go to Anatolia. | ||
I'm taking one of these. | ||
Oh, and then you take that. | ||
Which one is that? | ||
The immune one? | ||
It's the immune one. | ||
All right, give you some of the alpha brain. | ||
You'll feel it while we're on a show. | ||
All right. | ||
Alpha brain is. | ||
You're taking it right now. | ||
You feel it. | ||
It kicks in for me. | ||
unidentified
|
Put your head back. | |
Open your mouth. | ||
And since you're traveling a lot, the great thing about Alpha Brain, my favorite thing to use it for, besides right before shows, is I love using it. | ||
This is the Alpha Brain that we sell in the UK. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
Because in the UK, they have certain nutritional restrictions. | ||
You can't have vitamin B6. | ||
There's a couple of different things in certain parts of the world. | ||
Maybe it's Australia. | ||
It's B6. | ||
Either way, I don't know. | ||
I just sell this shit. | ||
On it.com, O-N-N-I-T. | ||
Like I said, codename Rogan. | ||
The great Jimmy Burke is here, as well as Brian Callan. | ||
Ladies and gentlemen. | ||
It's a festive, festive evening. | ||
It's a rare occasion. | ||
That's right. | ||
We got Jimmy in from New York. | ||
unidentified
|
Hit the button. | |
Let's start this bitch. | ||
Let's do this. | ||
Come on, catch up with me. | ||
unidentified
|
All day. | |
Come on. | ||
In the opening, Nick Diaz has even more significance now. | ||
What happened to the microphones? | ||
There we go. | ||
What do you mean Nick Diaz is more significant? | ||
Because he's the one that says Train by Day, Joe Rogan Podcast by Night. | ||
Oh, really? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
That's his voice. | ||
He said it after he beat BJ Penn up. | ||
Does he listen to the podcast? | ||
Dude, him and his brother Nate, a huge podcast. | ||
Yeah, let me tell you, Nate, Nate, Nick, are you listening? | ||
You're my favorite fighters. | ||
You're my favorite fighter. | ||
No one's more fun. | ||
I love Nick because, and I love Nate, but Nick is the guy for me who he comes to fight. | ||
He doesn't want to win on points. | ||
He doesn't care. | ||
He comes in and he's looking at him going, what, bitch? | ||
He's plodding in, taking shots. | ||
He's so confident and comfortable up there. | ||
It's weird watching him with his hands down going, what, bitch? | ||
What? | ||
Everybody runs from him. | ||
I want to be him. | ||
It's sad. | ||
It's so rare that a guy tries to actually fight him like dog eat dog in the center of the octagon. | ||
You got to come up with a strategy like cutting corners. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And you know, Conda, it's a great, good on him. | ||
He was an amazing, tough guy. | ||
I have a lot of respect for him. | ||
But you got to fight that way. | ||
You want to stand and bang with that guy or with his brother and stand and bang with those? | ||
Because you look at those guys physically. | ||
They're not the fastest, the strongest. | ||
They don't have the physical gifts that a lot of those guys do. | ||
unidentified
|
And yet they just stupid endurance, too. | |
Their endurance is off the chain. | ||
They don't get tired. | ||
It's Nick Diaz reminds me of Roberto Duran. | ||
That's what he is. | ||
Tell you what, I was impressed with Carlos Conet's endurance, too. | ||
But when I watched the fight, when I was there live, this is really interesting, too, because when you watch it live, when I'm doing commentary, I'm there, but I got a very peculiar angle. | ||
It's a great seat, don't get me wrong, but basically everyone's feet are right where my eyeballs are, and then there's a cage in front of me. | ||
So you're actually better off watching it at home. | ||
You have a better seat at home with the, with a, you have a big screen TV. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You get a better view of the fights than I do, which is crazy. | ||
Baseball or football. | ||
You're better off staying at home. | ||
You get close-ups. | ||
But I miss shit that's happening in the fight. | ||
Like Fabrizio Verdum took big country's back. | ||
I didn't see how he took his back. | ||
I completely missed it because there was a referee there and then there was a post. | ||
So all of a sudden, Verdum was on his back literally like in a second. | ||
I think what happened was Roy took a big swing and he missed and then Fabrizio Verdum took his back. | ||
But I'm scrambling. | ||
I'm looking at the monitors. | ||
I get on the truck. | ||
I'm like, show me that again. | ||
Show me that again. | ||
What the fuck just happened? | ||
Whereas at home, you would know exactly what happened. | ||
The UFC camera production crew, they're the best. | ||
We're on in 3D, Joe. | ||
They're amazing. | ||
Did you see the 3D version? | ||
No, no, no. | ||
Is there a 3D camera? | ||
Is there a 3D version this time with John Anne? | ||
Where does that play? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I think they do it in movie theaters. | ||
I'm now starting to like the 3D TV. | ||
Pixar just released Toy Story 1, 2, and 3 now. | ||
So now it's starting to get movies. | ||
It's starting to get worth it. | ||
It's picking up. | ||
It's picking up. | ||
By the way, Big Country, I am so astounded at not only his endurance, but his skill. | ||
I mean, I look at it. | ||
He's about his ability to take a punch. | ||
He's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. | ||
He's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. | ||
Verdum is a giant. | ||
He's a huge man. | ||
Huge man. | ||
This guy was taking shots to his face like nobody's alive. | ||
It's ridiculous knees that would have put anyone else unconscious. | ||
And he kept coming. | ||
He's amazing. | ||
No one's ever even had him hurt, man. | ||
Junior Dosanto's bombed on big country and never had him hurt. | ||
Never had him like in trouble. | ||
There's no one like him. | ||
He's indestructible. | ||
I've never seen him. | ||
And he's good. | ||
His fucking ass jiu-jitsu's nasty, and his right hand is a fucking bomb. | ||
He's just unbelievably determined. | ||
And the way his head is built, he's just built to take shots. | ||
I mean, there's guys that are just built to take shots. | ||
And it's his will, too. | ||
It's his spirit, his fighting spirit. | ||
I mean, there's a reason why he does so good, like looking the way he looks. | ||
Can I explain that? | ||
No matter how physically strong he is, you know that's a disadvantage. | ||
It's a disadvantage, period, to be that fat. | ||
There's no doubt about it. | ||
But all I was thinking was like, look, hey, dude, come to Hollywood. | ||
I'll fucking trim you up. | ||
You should be a 205. | ||
Listen, yeah, yeah. | ||
He's not going to hang out with you. | ||
You have a show. | ||
You're a comedian. | ||
Yeah, but I'm very funny. | ||
You got to carry away already. | ||
Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. | ||
He's working out with professional fighters. | ||
Brian's like, listen, I did Taekwondo. | ||
Big country. | ||
unidentified
|
High school is a good thing. | |
Big country. | ||
I was a high school wrestler. | ||
Big country. | ||
Listen up. | ||
I got to talk to you. | ||
I'd have him on lentils. | ||
His heart. | ||
The thing about Big Country man is his heart. | ||
You can't fucking shut that heart down. | ||
His heart is, he's got an indomitable spirit. | ||
But here's what I'm saying. | ||
It's not even, I don't even know if it's physically that he takes the shots better than other people. | ||
It just refuses to go down. | ||
Refuses to stop. | ||
I think your head has to be constructed because your chin gets hit. | ||
You go out. | ||
Yeah, well, I mean, definitely, I mean, look at it. | ||
He's got a big wide head for sure. | ||
But, but here's what I'm saying. | ||
Here's what I was watching. | ||
His camp, he trains and stuff like that. | ||
It's not that hard to get a professional nutritionist into your camp or whatever to bring that weight down and get him to a 205. | ||
Can you imagine what he's doing at 205? | ||
He would crush people. | ||
But what he has been doing, though, is he's putting weight on with muscle. | ||
So lifting weights, and that alone is making him lose fat. | ||
He's lost a lot of fat. | ||
He's down to 246. | ||
He's way over 260, but he could be a middleweight. | ||
You know, if he was like a Rich Franklin type dude, they'd want to get low body fat. | ||
You think so? | ||
Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
Six feet tall. | ||
Look at his frame. | ||
That's 185-pounder. | ||
Yushinokami is a big fucking dude. | ||
He's huge. | ||
You look at him, you think he's a heavyweight. | ||
Meanwhile, he cuts weight and gets down to middleweight. | ||
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
But going back to the Diaz-Condit fight, so my point about missing things is I watched the fight at home. | ||
And when I watched the fight at home, I had a slightly different opinion. | ||
When I watched it live, I thought that Carlos Condit won it. | ||
And I thought going into the fifth round, I was like, wow, the way this worked. | ||
I was saying, you know, in the fourth round, I was like, Condit is winning this fight. | ||
And when I said that, I was a little bit out of school because on the scorecards, maybe necessarily wasn't winning it in my head even. | ||
But there was a trend in round three and four where Condit was scoring way more than Diaz was. | ||
And that's why I was saying that Condit's winning this fight. | ||
Or Diaz, you know, I think that Diaz is losing this fight. | ||
I felt like it was moving away from him. | ||
And then Nick took his back in the fifth. | ||
And so you got to say, man, that's the biggest moment of the fight right here. | ||
unidentified
|
It was. | |
And by the way, didn't he end with an arm bar? | ||
No. | ||
No, he took him out. | ||
No, Carlos got out of it. | ||
Carlos is actually pounding on him at the very last seconds. | ||
Took a shot at him, and they actually were in some sort of a scramble where their legs were locked up in like a 50-50. | ||
But the bottom line is when I watched it at home, I gave Nick Diaz round one, round two, and round five. | ||
So at home, when I watched it, I thought Nick Diaz won the fight. | ||
Live out of the cage, I thought Carlos Connet might have edged him. | ||
I didn't, you know, when you're doing commentary, you know, people always say like, oh, you know, like, you know, like you're watching it and, you know, you're right there, and you're talking about it. | ||
That's just as good as a guy who's judging it, but it's really not. | ||
When you're judging a fight, you should shut your fucking mouth. | ||
You shouldn't be talking right when I'm talking, I'm doing commentary. | ||
I'm trying to explain things to people, and my mind-the way my mind is working-like, I'm explaining, I'm trying to explain footwork and angles, I'm trying to explain positions when they go to the ground, especially. | ||
I'm trying to like, you know, if you're there with your dad and your dad doesn't know what's he's gonna, what's going on right here, these guys getting queer with each other, you know, I'm there to explain. | ||
I'm there to go, no, no, no, the right arm is the choking arm. | ||
They're like, oh, yeah, oh, I see what he's doing there with that right arm. | ||
He's sneaking it under his chin there. | ||
That could choke him. | ||
You know, like, I'm there to explain that. | ||
So while I'm doing that, I'm not doing the most objective job of scoring. | ||
You know, a guy scoring the fight. | ||
First of all, now thinking today after watching this big country for Doom thing, not only should the judges have monitors, that's all they should be watching. | ||
They shouldn't even be watching the fight. | ||
You should have the judges, they don't even have to be in the same room. | ||
The judges don't even have to be cage-side. | ||
The judges should be in front of a giant-ass fucking TV. | ||
On a waterbed in a dark room with lava lamps and just having a good time to get it. | ||
Just put a camera on them to make sure they're not beating off. | ||
That'd be weird if you look over and you're like, why are you beating off to the fight? | ||
But Dana White said today that it might be possible for Conda to fight Nick Diaz again before GSP's ready. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Condit's camp, of course, said they didn't want to do it right away. | ||
His manager said it, but if they offer him enough shekels, he might step up. | ||
And plus, if the public wants it. | ||
I won't. | ||
I would love to see that. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
I think he fought a great fight, but watching it at home, I gave the nod to Nick Diaz. | ||
Well, the question then becomes, though, for Nick, is Nick is such a loyal guy to his camp, from what I've heard. | ||
I don't want to speak for him, but those guys are so tight. | ||
It's one of the other things I love about the guy. | ||
People say he's a bad, he's a tough, mean guy. | ||
I think he's actually probably a very sweet person. | ||
He's a great guy. | ||
He's a great person. | ||
Unless you're trying to fight him. | ||
Right. | ||
Who has to work himself up to the point where he hates the guy he's going to fight. | ||
And then after he beats guys, he's really cool with him. | ||
Well, it's a little of that, but it's also he's smart. | ||
You know, Nick Diaz is, look, he might not have spent a lot of time in college. | ||
unidentified
|
He's smart. | |
But he's a smart dude. | ||
There's no way you can push yourself the way he pushes himself, like cardio-wise, without being aware of the benefits of that and calculating the benefits of that. | ||
So if you've got a guy who's willing to do something, if you got a guy who's willing to do something that extreme because he knows there's a benefit in it, you don't think he would talk shit because there's a benefit in that psychologically? | ||
You know, people judge him by that, like, oh, he's a thug. | ||
He's a gangster. | ||
He's a bad guy. | ||
He's a smart dude. | ||
If you're in a fight with somebody, man, and you hate that guy, then you're all tense and you're fucking swinging for the fences and you're making mistakes and you can't bear to think of this dude beating your ass. | ||
You got to kill him. | ||
And that's how dudes gas out. | ||
And you're a guy whose entire strategy is based on imposing your skill set and your extreme endurance. | ||
That's what Nick Diaz has. | ||
Of course he would talk shit. | ||
It's like he's making them wear weights. | ||
You know, he's making them run with weights. | ||
It's the greatest thing in the world. | ||
The first time Conant did that spin kick, I mean spin elbow. | ||
I heard him go. | ||
He goes, apparently he goes, because I asked Conant and he goes, oh, what are we doing? | ||
We're doing spin shit now? | ||
Yeah, he throws kicks disdainfully sometimes. | ||
He doesn't, like, he threw a lot of hard kicks at Conant, but sometimes he throws kicks he knows are not going to land. | ||
He's like throwing karate kicks in the air. | ||
It's an insult. | ||
I'm not worried about you. | ||
unidentified
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He's amazing. | |
Kate taking shots going, what's up, Benzford? | ||
He's such a beautiful, like, to me, he's just so poetic. | ||
So fun to watch. | ||
And he was super cool after the fight was over, you know? | ||
Even though he thought that he lost a decision. | ||
I'll tell you what, man, I did not know, man. | ||
It's one of those fights, like I said, where after it was over, I was like, man, I can't wait to watch this one again. | ||
Because I looked at my Twitter feed immediately, and the Twitter feed was half of it with Condas kicked his ass, half of it was Diaz was robbed. | ||
And there were so many fighters that said the same thing. | ||
It was really a very interesting fight. | ||
It comes down to philosophy too, doesn't it? | ||
It comes down to philosophy. | ||
Some people will say, like GSP, take GSP. | ||
The GSP is very smart and very strategic about looking for where his opponent is weak and exploiting that hole. | ||
But he'll win. | ||
GSP takes guys down, and at least that gives you the opinion. | ||
Well, he just did control this fucking guy. | ||
What Cond was doing is moving away from an aggressor, and people don't like that. | ||
That's right. | ||
People don't like that. | ||
It's like Floyd Manthrell. | ||
He's very defensive, very defensive fighter. | ||
And that's how you fight Diaz, by the way, it seems. | ||
Cutting corners like that and moving to his, to his, I guess he was moving to the bottom. | ||
I got to be honest, man. | ||
I was looking into the fight, I gave Diaz a big advantage. | ||
I was like, man, I don't know if Condit's ever fought anybody this hard. | ||
And I'll just look at what Diaz does to everybody, what he does to Paul Daly, what he did to Frank Shamrock. | ||
And I know that Condit is a step above both those guys, several steps above. | ||
In fact, I think Condit is elite. | ||
But I don't think he's tall. | ||
Yeah, he's very tall. | ||
I didn't think he'd ever fought anybody with that much experience, that much style. | ||
The way Diaz fights, that much aggression. | ||
I was like, this might be a tough fight for him. | ||
And I anticipated if I had to bet money on it, that he would lose a decision. | ||
And then I was really surprised around the third and fourth round. | ||
I was like, man, he is fucking pulling this off. | ||
I guess Diaz, if there is a second fight, would Diaz go back and change it. | ||
I think if there was a second fight, Diaz would fucking sprint at him. | ||
He would sprint at him. | ||
What different strategy? | ||
What's he going to do different? | ||
No, he's just going to give him less opportunities and just throw himself into the fire more. | ||
But it's hard. | ||
Somebody's moving to your, you know, you're a softball and the guy's moving right, you know, he's cutting that corner off. | ||
You've got to have an answer for that. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
But look how. | ||
Yeah, but look how easy Nick Diaz got his back. | ||
Look how easy he got his back in the fifth round. | ||
People don't realize how good Nick's ground game is. | ||
Nick's ground game is elite. | ||
That's why they stand in bang with him because they don't want to go to the ground with him. | ||
Exactly. | ||
But I mean, you're talking about two guys that have been duking it out for four fucking rounds and a half. | ||
Okay. | ||
They're going full clip. | ||
It's a highly anticipated lot of pressure. | ||
And Nick still gets him to the ground, gets his back like that. | ||
That's like, you know, you know how hard it is to get a dude down and then get his back in a fucking championship fight that quickly? | ||
That was an extreme case. | ||
His ground game's nasty. | ||
And I think that he has a big advantage over Conda, I think, in that department. | ||
I think if they fought again, I think he would probably try to initiate the ground game. | ||
It's hard to get Conda down because Conda's very strong. | ||
I think Con is stronger, it seems like, than Nick. | ||
Probably just bigger and stronger. | ||
Yeah, he's stronger. | ||
And that's hard to get somebody down like Condon. | ||
Nick got him down, though. | ||
He got his back. | ||
And that was an interesting thing. | ||
It was like one judge had some ridiculous thing where they had Condit winning four rounds. | ||
I was like, wow, that's kind of crazy. | ||
I mean, I could see him. | ||
I gave him four. | ||
You gave him four rounds, Ford of one? | ||
You gave Condit four? | ||
That's the great Jimmy Burke, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
How come I can't see Jimmy Burke on camera? | ||
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
I don't see him on camera. | ||
It's just a yay can. | ||
Oh, you're moving it. | ||
Is that what you're doing? | ||
Oh, we're on a delay. | ||
The internet's a delay. | ||
Jimmy, Jimmy, by the way, has mastered the art. | ||
Why did you think that Condit won four rounds? | ||
unidentified
|
Well, I think we're all in agreement how smart Nick Diaz is. | |
He's a smart guy. | ||
He's crafty. | ||
He's intimidating. | ||
Right. | ||
And so how smart must Condit be? | ||
Wear your eyebrows, by the way. | ||
Right. | ||
I'm sorry. | ||
I have no eyebrows. | ||
I have no eyebrows. | ||
unidentified
|
Skeletor. | |
That's so crazy. | ||
unidentified
|
He's Skeletor. | |
I have no eyebrows. | ||
It's frightening. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He frightens kids. | ||
I have. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
No, no. | ||
I once bet a guy, Wall Street guy, a friend of mine, $50 up at Jerry's that my asshole was less hairy than his wife's. | ||
unidentified
|
What? | |
That's a true story. | ||
Of course it is. | ||
It's a true story. | ||
And you know, he peeled it open. | ||
you bet him how much i bet him 50 bucks i said hey dude we were talking to me you were that confident why didn't you oh i know i know i know how unhairy my asshole is i have no hair there congratulations like i am uh why don't you go for like a thousand or something nuts i uh i couldn't do it i like the guy mountain he's one of my friends yeah but you know what i took the 50. | ||
I took the 50 as a lesson. | ||
Just as a little lesson. | ||
To have respect for your asshole. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
When a guy's got no eyebrows, take him seriously. | ||
And this is why I love Mountain. | ||
He literally, I got up, I sprinted, I pulled my buckle, my pants were down, and I spread, yeah. | ||
What's the sprint have to do with it? | ||
Well, I mean, from the couch to the seat he was sitting at because I bent over in front of him. | ||
I spread my asshole and this quickly, this quickly, spread asshole, Mountain looks down and he goes, holy shit. | ||
It's way less hairy than my wife's. | ||
And he fucking reached into his pocket. | ||
That's not a joke. | ||
That's a real story. | ||
And he paid me off right there. | ||
We're hanging out. | ||
Jerry McFadden, who's three feet, three men wide. | ||
He's Brock Lesnar. | ||
He's as big as it gets. | ||
He's a borderline pro football player. | ||
He's 300 pounds and with a Napoleon complex. | ||
And Jimmy just looks at him one day. | ||
We're hanging out and Jimmy just looks at him and he goes, ah, shut the fuck up. | ||
Whack! | ||
And slaps him really hard. | ||
Jerry's face is fucking so wide. | ||
You go, hey Jerry, how are you? | ||
You gotta go from wide on. | ||
He goes, ah, Jerry's just talking. | ||
He's like talking about something like totally innocuous. | ||
Like going, yeah, so I was walking down the street and then he's just telling a story. | ||
And Jimmy just out of nowhere just goes, ah, shut the fuck. | ||
unidentified
|
Whack! | |
And hits him like that hard. | ||
And Jerry just goes, wham like that. | ||
And I go, oh, Jerry's gonna fucking murder. | ||
You know when a, like a gorilla looks at something in the car. | ||
A monkey. | ||
Like a gorilla looks at a monkey. | ||
He literally goes, he literally goes, whack, looks at Jimmy and we're in an apartment. | ||
So where the fuck is Jimmy gonna go? | ||
And all of a sudden I just see Jimmy run. | ||
And I'm like, where's he gone? | ||
He goes into Jerry's guest room. | ||
So we're like, Jerry comes, down the hall. | ||
Jerry comes running in, like running in and I'm like, Jerry's gonna fucking kill him. | ||
He's gonna squeeze him until he dies because he likes to hold you underwater until you die. | ||
No, he's a scary, strong dude. | ||
He's a bear, right? | ||
I've met Jerry. | ||
So the bear's running after the fucking baboon and I, and I, we're running, he comes running in and he runs in and Jimmy is fucking on all hands and knees, no clothes on. | ||
He's got his ass all peeled and he's going, please fuck me, Jerry. | ||
Please fuck me. | ||
Jerry goes, I threw my ass up his defense. | ||
It was kryptonite, like fucking kryptonite. | ||
He literally, it was like he hit a wall. | ||
He went, what the fuck? | ||
Like that and backed out, like this. | ||
it was the greatest thing. | ||
Hey, that's a good fighting technique. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
You throw yourself down and spread your ass. | ||
It's like, Jimmy's got the best, Jimmy's got the greatest fight stories. | ||
Jimmy, why don't you have a cell phone? | ||
Why don't you have a cell phone? | ||
He's a monk. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm, it can't be a monk and live in New York City. | |
Yeah. | ||
He's a monk, bro. | ||
No, I have a, an answering machine at home. | ||
He has an answering, he has an answering machine from 1986. | ||
Yeah. | ||
With cassettes on it. | ||
He owns a bicycle and a TV. | ||
What happens if you need a cassette? | ||
And he's the happiest guy on the planet. | ||
I did a one man show back in 1997 and at that point in my life I had saved 15 years of phone messages. | ||
I did a one man show and I did because I thought my friend Herbie was dying from throat cancer and I wanted to save every message and he would call up. | ||
He'd say, hey, hey, it's me, it's me. | ||
He was much older than me. | ||
He was, he was my Fagan, you know, and I was his artful dodger. | ||
Oliver Twist, Oliver Twist reference. | ||
Oliver Twist reference. | ||
unidentified
|
Do your readers, your listeners, readers, there are no readers out there. | |
They smoke weed and watch YouTube. | ||
Right, exactly. | ||
They're YouTube people. | ||
It's a Dickens novel. | ||
You can look him up, 18th century. | ||
unidentified
|
That's the 1700s. | |
That's the 1700s. | ||
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
Exactly. | ||
Thank you, Bubba. | ||
Joe, I don't doubt you. | ||
Let me tell you, I do not doubt you. | ||
And I want to bring it, swing it right back around though, to, um, yeah, I grew up in New York. | ||
Right. | ||
unidentified
|
And, Nick Diaz, and what he was doing, I've had that done to me. | |
It's frightening. | ||
plenty of times. | ||
It's intimidating. | ||
One of the guys talking shit, and hitting you at the same time. | ||
Yeah, it's intimidating, and it's scary, and, but, my, but, you, you either gotta, this is, this is, this is the thing. | ||
You're the best there is at, and you keep coming forward. | ||
He's the best there is at talking. | ||
The guy, the guy that's fucking you on the football field, and he's trying to beat you up, that huge guy, and you're going, she's pissed at me. | ||
Look at her titties, getting all twisted up. | ||
Remember when you were doing it? | ||
Yeah, well, you have to, that becomes part of, I'm 165 pounds, so I'm only, that's it. | ||
I'm wiry, I'm strong, very quick, and pugnacious, but I'm going to be honest with you. | ||
unidentified
|
You're pugnacious? | |
You're not a big guy. | ||
I've never heard of you. | ||
I'm not a big guy. | ||
I'm a crafty, long-necked kind of, I'm a condor, or what's one of those velociraptors? | ||
Bring this back around to your, your one-man show, because you dropped that. | ||
Oh, yeah, that was, that was a long time ago. | ||
unidentified
|
You were high. | |
I was high as shit. | ||
No, that was when I was, the fucking guy plays the message, I leave, without my permission, he leaves, in his one-man show? | ||
Yeah, he said, he plays the message, I leave a message on his machine, which was this, because I'm, there's this girl I liked, and she went to Harvard, and I wanted to bang her, right? | ||
So I'm a fuck loser boy over here, I knew she was really educated. | ||
She'd say stuff like, well, as you know in King Lear, when in act three, I'd be like, oh, geez, because she thought I was an actor, I knew Shakespeare. | ||
I didn't get any word of it. | ||
So, so I go, so I go, So I know she's coming over. | ||
so what so so yoker boy over here this is what i do i go fuck she's a reader so i take all the books off my shelf and i start laying them around the room books i haven't even read like let me tell you this before i'm going to interrupt you right Because when I first met Brian, I just did Mad TV. | ||
We first met. | ||
He was a fake intellectual then. | ||
He's a fake intellectual now. | ||
And he's got Jack Kerouac sitting on his coffee table. | ||
Listen, motherfucker. | ||
I go, you ain't reading Jack Kerouac. | ||
You better read it once. | ||
You just happen to read this. | ||
I go, this is a trap you lay for some fucking influential girl. | ||
You goddamn right it is. | ||
That's what I did. | ||
And meanwhile, I got to admit it right now. | ||
So I'm leaving shit around. | ||
I'm leaving books open. | ||
I got Shakespeare open. | ||
But it's on the floor with like tabs. | ||
I got Hemingway. | ||
He's saying a message. | ||
And so I finally go, I look around and I go, all right, I got to, if I do this in secret, I'm a fucking loser. | ||
I got to call my friend and at least say that I'm doing this because otherwise I'm a scum. | ||
Otherwise, I'm a loser. | ||
So I call Jimmy. | ||
I call Jimmy and I. I'm not a loser. | ||
unidentified
|
You're just not a very thoughtful person. | |
I'm a sex addict. | ||
Well, you're trying to be something. | ||
Right. | ||
That you're not. | ||
Right, but I got to complain about. | ||
Well, what you said correct. | ||
You know, you said sex addict, and that puts a negative connotation to it. | ||
But what no one is going to understand, no woman is ever going to understand is the effect of testosterone and the reality that we have these fucking bodies that are designed to make babies every 10 minutes because jaguars were eating them. | ||
That's exactly right. | ||
It's the reason why it's not like a solar thing. | ||
Like, you know, like once every day, your body produces a single sperm cell. | ||
They accumulate over a month. | ||
They get to the point where, like, maybe we should think someday about having a baby and then a year from now, your balls are swollen and you're ready. | ||
365 cells. | ||
No, no, no, that's not what happens. | ||
Every day, they're like, Pac-Man. | ||
That's exactly right. | ||
Dividing and conquering. | ||
And if you're not jerking, plug to the fleshlight. | ||
If you're not using something like the fleshlight, if you're not jerking off, if you're not constantly draining your balls, you will get distorted. | ||
You'll get in trouble. | ||
You'll get in trouble. | ||
You'll get in fucking trouble. | ||
unidentified
|
This will save marriages and it will save relationships. | |
You knew your thing. | ||
You knew your thing was to be able to do that. | ||
Get your man a fleshlight. | ||
I can talk. | ||
I can trick them. | ||
I sound intelligent. | ||
Next thing you know, I'm touching their leg. | ||
And then I get that the treat. | ||
I get the treats. | ||
I take my treats. | ||
Exactly. | ||
I screen them. | ||
Then I screen down. | ||
Then I come and I want them out of there and I start cleaning my house. | ||
But anyway, the point is, so I go. | ||
Someone could judge you. | ||
I'm just saying. | ||
You can't judge you. | ||
You really are like a junkie. | ||
Every man is. | ||
Yeah, it's true. | ||
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
Varying degrees. | ||
And no one fucking gives you any advice, man. | ||
No one gives you any solid advice about how to manage that. | ||
unidentified
|
Did your father say a fucking word to you about how to manage that? | |
That was great, but no, but you know what? | ||
And here's the thing. | ||
We're older now. | ||
And one of the things a lot of young people, a lot of young guys listen to this, and I always say, the only advice I give people is just figure out where to place your energy. | ||
Because that's just energy. | ||
And you've got to have an outlet. | ||
That's why fighting is so good if you've got a lot of testimonials or a sport. | ||
Because you've got to channel that because you'll learn. | ||
You can take that energy and endeavor in something that teaches you about life. | ||
I mean, you know, you just learn a lot about life. | ||
But I call Jimmy. | ||
You're totally right. | ||
But before you go on, I think one of the most important things with guys is managing your biology through exercise. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
You fucking percent. | ||
If an athlete like Brian just can't. | ||
Yeah, if you're a type of guy like us, I was going to say, Brian, take your shirt off. | ||
You know, I mean, if you don't have some sort of a release for that buildup, you make shitty decisions. | ||
Exactly. | ||
When you see guys yelling at people in traffic, and that's not a guy who's just returned from doing 15 rounds in the bag. | ||
One of my favorite bits of hurt more. | ||
One of my favorite bits, period, in the world, is your thing about driving a bus. | ||
You're in the front of the bus. | ||
I mean, you're in the back of the bus. | ||
Somebody else is driving. | ||
You have to be up in six hours. | ||
Shut the fuck up when you have a hard on. | ||
When you have a hard on, when your dick is hard and you're fired up, ready to go, you're not driving your life. | ||
It's like you're sitting in the back seat of a really long bus. | ||
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
There's some other dude up there driving and you can barely talk to him because every window's rolled down. | ||
There's newspapers flying around and fucking engine noise. | ||
Six radius bad ones. | ||
And you're like, do you even know where you're going? | ||
unidentified
|
He's like, shut the fuck up, darget. | |
And you're like, oh, I'm going to just let this dick drive. | ||
And then after you come, you find yourself in the front. | ||
You wake up and you're holding the wheel. | ||
unidentified
|
Going, what the fuck happened? | |
What am I doing? | ||
You know, I back this bad boy up. | ||
Remember when you had no navigation system? | ||
You would drive from hell in high water to get an uninspired hand job and you're so angry with yourself. | ||
And then you're out in the street going, where the fuck am I? | ||
You got to get up and forth. | ||
Nowhere near your house. | ||
You have to figure out where the roads are. | ||
You go to a gas station and buy a fucking Thomas guide. | ||
And you're like, okay, now this is what road? | ||
Where am I right now? | ||
So is this technically New Hampshire? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Exactly. | ||
I don't know how I found my way. | ||
Navigation systems have saved so many people from those things. | ||
It saved so much time. | ||
Technology. | ||
So you leave this message. | ||
So I leave this message. | ||
I finally look around my apartment. | ||
I go, she's coming over in like 10 minutes. | ||
I go, I got to tell somebody about what a hoax I am because this is fucking ridiculous. | ||
So I call Time. | ||
I leave a message. | ||
I go, dude, I'm a fucking hoax. | ||
I'm trying to impress this intellectual chick, and I'm leaving books all over the place. | ||
So she thinks I'm in the middle of reading like four books. | ||
And it's all because I want to bang her from behind on my couch like an animal. | ||
And anyway, it's a long mess like that. | ||
This guy plays it for a fucking packed house over and over. | ||
And a couple of girls, like, is it his name? | ||
Do you say it's nice? | ||
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
Oh, yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
Fuck yeah. | ||
I need everybody on the table. | ||
I did a fucking one, a show, a stand-up show, an hour show in New York. | ||
Then all my friends came to. | ||
The fucking guy's standing outside. | ||
And when people were coming out, he's going, thank you very much, man. | ||
I wrote that stuff for him. | ||
He did a really good job with it. | ||
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
I accepted credit. | ||
Thanking always for coming and accepting credit. | ||
So all of a sudden there's a crowd around him telling him how great he is. | ||
Thank you for coming. | ||
Thank you so much. | ||
Thank you so much. | ||
I really did. | ||
I know that's you would never, but since he stole my persona about 15 years ago, did he? | ||
unidentified
|
Why? | |
You don't know that fucking story? | ||
I am Joe's. | ||
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. | ||
Let's take a step back. | ||
Let's take a step back. | ||
Let me say this one thing because I did come back. | ||
Don't defend it, Joe. | ||
I did block this out. | ||
Don't defend it. | ||
I did block this out. | ||
And what I blocked out was that we were hanging out with me and Jimmy Burke and a couple of his friends. | ||
And this is one of the first times that I'd hung out with Jimmy Burke away from you. | ||
It was kind of cheating on you a little bit. | ||
I came to New York. | ||
I remember that. | ||
Me and Jimmy had a great fucking time. | ||
Yes, we did. | ||
Kicked my ass in pool. | ||
Unfortunately. | ||
Can't blame me, pool. | ||
Kicked it. | ||
But when we were talking, one of the things that came up amongst Jimmy's friends was that, you know, you're a bus and truck version of Jimmy Burke. | ||
And I had to go, oh, he's a B ⁇ . | ||
unidentified
|
What do they call me? | |
A BNT version. | ||
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
This is my boy. | ||
He was probably my friend. | ||
Who said it? | ||
I don't remember. | ||
We're all close. | ||
We've been all known for 20 years. | ||
So he stole your persona. | ||
You know, it really wasn't my persona. | ||
It was really actually my essence. | ||
Which, if you think about it, Steve Cook. | ||
Steve Cook accuses comics of stealing. | ||
unidentified
|
Didn't he accuse Steve Burger? | |
Well, he stealing his essence. | ||
He tried to steal my essence, too. | ||
unidentified
|
Dane? | |
He did? | ||
Yep. | ||
Did he meet you or did that through the air? | ||
Was watching Brian and I from the end of a bar, watching us talk, came over to me and said, I'm going to take your fucking essence, dude. | ||
And he slapped you in the mouth? | ||
Slapped me in the mouth. | ||
I was a little shocked. | ||
Brian stepped in. | ||
By the way, people listening to this who might take this seriously. | ||
Dan has enough flack. | ||
We're kidding. | ||
Dane did not do that. | ||
Yeah, this didn't really happen. | ||
No. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Yeah, it did. | ||
Although Jimmy and I used to get laid by the money. | ||
But you did really take his persona. | ||
Yeah, a little bit. | ||
Yeah, not a little. | ||
Come on. | ||
Well, let me tell you something. | ||
It happens. | ||
You're so much better at it than I am that I can't make money from my persona. | ||
I mean, this is the first time I'm ever on the... | ||
The fake Kramer. | ||
There's a real Kramer, you know, and then... | ||
The character is going to be a guy who talks like Jimmy and is very expressive and very, very intense. | ||
You look handsome now. | ||
You look more handsome. | ||
Does that bother you as an original? | ||
Not at all. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
I love him. | ||
I love what he... | ||
I had a friend named Johnny B, a pool hustler friend of mine that I used to talk like to him when he was in Iowa. | ||
It was just, him being an actual actor, because he's a great actor, just was kind of picking up the bits and pieces. | ||
I do it with people. | ||
I do it when I lived in Iowa, you know. | ||
You were just so authentically New York, and I was so fascinated with the way the dude, the way he talks and tells stories and how and he's the only person that's ever pointed that out to me in my life. | ||
I mean, because everybody else is from New York, and that's the way we all. | ||
Yeah, this is normal. | ||
Isn't it amazing that there's one good thing that comes out of sticking that many fucking people in one place, that you get these extreme characters that just don't exist in the heartland? | ||
You don't get a Jimmy Burke in Iowa. | ||
No, I'm distilled. | ||
You got to either build walls or you got to be very open and honest. | ||
And that's the way you naturally. | ||
And you got to not give a fuck. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And there's a whole city of I don't give a fuck. | ||
Get out of my way. | ||
And it becomes sort of an ethic. | ||
Care, care, be respectful, but you can't give a fuck about everything that happens to you every single fucking day because you go crazy. | ||
And that's the thing about New York is it makes you process the information and filter accordingly. | ||
There's too much coming at you. | ||
Too many goddamn cars, too many billboards, too many things. | ||
You got to decide what to pay attention. | ||
Joe, you asked me earlier why I don't have a cell phone. | ||
That's why. | ||
Okay. | ||
And that's one of the reasons. | ||
But what if someone's about to kick your ass and you've got to make a call? | ||
There's nobody better getting out of fighting. | ||
You start yelling and intimidating people. | ||
You break your leg and you need somebody to come get you. | ||
You know what, Joe? | ||
What if you have to call somebody that you like? | ||
Well, that's that's good. | ||
That's good. | ||
I have a pocket full of pocket quarters. | ||
I have a pocket full of quarters. | ||
And there's always a lot of people. | ||
Where is there a goddamn payphone? | ||
They're still there. | ||
You got to know. | ||
You got to know where they are. | ||
You got to know where they are. | ||
This messenger pitches not yours. | ||
Do you remember people's phone numbers? | ||
Absolutely. | ||
I know like 350. | ||
Do you get leads? | ||
Brian's phone numbers 315. | ||
Hey, you fucking dummy. | ||
He doesn't realize that he wasn't listening. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
I was just proving that there's a mic in the mouse. | ||
You ought to change your voicemail so that people don't know that that's your real number. | ||
That's very, before I knew how to use Twitter, I posted my number. | ||
I got some guy the other day calling me and goes, hey, man, is this really you? | ||
I go, who is this? | ||
He goes, I saw your name on Twitter. | ||
A number. | ||
I just want to see if it was really you. | ||
I go, yeah, it's really me. | ||
He goes, that's cool, man. | ||
Hey, when can I see your stand-up? | ||
I go, do you live in LA? | ||
He goes, nah, man, I live in like Arkansas. | ||
I go, I'll tell you what. | ||
I'll make sure you're going to go. | ||
Use my number, and I'll fucking tell you when I'm there next time. | ||
He goes, all right. | ||
And he just hung up. | ||
He was great. | ||
I fucked up and tweeted my number and I kept it for a while. | ||
I had like a fan line where people could just call me up. | ||
I would turn it on. | ||
I wanted to do that again because there was a thing called Say Now and Say Now is pretty badass, but Google bought them. | ||
And what Say Now was was say if you would start it up, I would start it up and I would start accepting calls from fans. | ||
So I tweet, my say now line is now on. | ||
Call me up. | ||
So people would call me up and say, like, if you're calling me and you and I are talking, there's 10 people on hold and they're all listening. | ||
So it's like you have a call-in talk radio show for 10 people. | ||
It was fucking great. | ||
So I would do it. | ||
Me and Ari Shafir were like in the car in traffic on the way to a gig somewhere. | ||
And we just handed the phone back and forth to each other. | ||
And we had like this crazy like two-hour phone conversation with all these people. | ||
I love doing that because, you know, and I get my number out on the road sometimes when I'm there and I go, somebody wants to come to a show and I go, and I like them and they're just good people. | ||
And I go, text me. | ||
Here's my number. | ||
Text me. | ||
And I'll always say, I always go, don't abuse this. | ||
Don't call me. | ||
And they never do. | ||
If you trust people a lot of times and give them the respect of trust. | ||
You can always tell a crazy person. | ||
What about that girl that Ashton Kutcher fucked? | ||
Well, she's an asshole. | ||
She's an asshole. | ||
What an asshole. | ||
She's an asshole. | ||
She had a great story. | ||
She's a shithead. | ||
That's a shithead. | ||
Meanwhile, what a great story that would be if she just used that story. | ||
She's a sociopath. | ||
Yeah, but she's a sociopath. | ||
She's a shitty person. | ||
By the way, Jimmy and I had so much fun in New York. | ||
I was just thinking about how we used to pick up girls by posing as doctors. | ||
Remember that? | ||
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
You know what I'm saying? | ||
Oh, dude. | ||
He'd be sitting there drinking. | ||
You know how many lives I saved? | ||
How many lives he saved? | ||
Oh, so you do, like, I'm a doctor in Somalia. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
Yeah, but we'd set it up like this. | ||
A lot of times we'd set up like this. | ||
It'd be me and my buddy, and Jimmy'd be over there drinking a beer at the end of the bar. | ||
This worked fucking every time. | ||
Every time. | ||
And, you know, we'd be in there like a couple of yogas. | ||
We'd find really hot girls. | ||
I'd come up and go, excuse me, sorry to bother you girls. | ||
We're doctors. | ||
And my buddy just, he's a great surgeon, but he just lost his first patient. | ||
He's really bummed out. | ||
If you guys went over there and just talked to him, it'd make him feel so much better. | ||
And they'd be like, he's a surgeon? | ||
Like, yeah, we're all surgeons. | ||
What if you talked to a girl and she was actually a doctor, though? | ||
Well, how about the girl was asking you medical advice and you felt bad you had to come clean. | ||
You're like, okay. | ||
Bubba, I felt horrible. | ||
She's asking him medical advice and he starts giving her like general advice. | ||
And then at the end of the day, she was so excited. | ||
Not me, man, not me. | ||
I fucking stuck to the end. | ||
I was like, I'm getting laid. | ||
I don't give a shit about to make up. | ||
unidentified
|
You showed the line. | |
I'm like, well, you're plasma-rich plates. | ||
I just invent shit. | ||
I was a fucking idiot. | ||
How old are you then? | ||
unidentified
|
30? | |
Like 30? | ||
Fucking 30. | ||
A grown man. | ||
That's how old I was. | ||
Then we'd pretend we'd, then we'd recognize each other. | ||
Like, I'd come up and go, like, we'd sit right next to the hottest girls in the club or something. | ||
And I'd go, dude, got to just tell you, I saw your movie at Sundance. | ||
You're fucking doing De Niro's in your next movie, right? | ||
Well, actually, he's directing it. | ||
Oh, fuck. | ||
Congratulations. | ||
Such an amazing writer. | ||
Such an amazing actor. | ||
Appreciate it. | ||
unidentified
|
What's your name? | |
What's your name? | ||
Brian Cowan. | ||
Brian Cowan. | ||
Jr. | ||
I had a film there, too. | ||
I don't know if you saw it. | ||
Leland. | ||
No, no, what's the name? | ||
Leland's memory. | ||
I don't think it's some fucking thing. | ||
Dude, it worked every time because they were model actresses. | ||
They're like, hey, you know, and I'd go like this. | ||
I go, I'm sorry, these girls with you. | ||
Can I buy you guys a drink? | ||
And they're like, actually, that was. | ||
That's brilliant. | ||
And it's so simple. | ||
And we'd bring them right in. | ||
And now we'd be talking. | ||
It never failed. | ||
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
When you're a normal-looking guy, you got to fucking use your mind. | ||
And you got to be a liar. | ||
You got to be a liar. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Pretending to be famous and getting that jolt. | ||
That's the greatest. | ||
People like really, oh, this is an important game. | ||
That's the greatest. | ||
And we get out of fights, dude. | ||
Google Jeannie Burke. | ||
We can't do that anymore. | ||
Chicks to just Google your name. | ||
Dude, we pull up their fucking giant Android screen and go, yeah, it doesn't say shit about you. | ||
How about tell them how you have a fucking movie at Sundance Liar? | ||
Dude, we used to get out of fights that way. | ||
Remember that huge, dude? | ||
Those three fucking criminals? | ||
Six football. | ||
Six foot six guy coming to this bar. | ||
You know that story? | ||
That's a crazy story. | ||
Let me give it to you just real quick. | ||
So I'm in my bar and it's a little early. | ||
My bouncer is not there. | ||
This is the place that you own. | ||
Yeah, the Martini. | ||
Vermouth. | ||
Do you still have that place? | ||
No, not anymore. | ||
unidentified
|
No, we got out from under about fucking 10 years ago. | |
I'm out. | ||
I'm fucking out. | ||
Never again, Joe. | ||
Unless you have one of these. | ||
It's tough. | ||
It was cool, though. | ||
I loved it. | ||
We went to your bar. | ||
We hung out at your bar. | ||
Fantastic. | ||
How cool is that? | ||
I was M-boner owner. | ||
I didn't make a dollar. | ||
I was involved for five years. | ||
I didn't make a dollar. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And then I had to get out from under taxes and shit. | ||
I was always wanted to have a bar. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
How much? | ||
Joe, it's awesome. | ||
I always want to own a bar pool hall. | ||
Have a bar pool hall. | ||
Small, like intimate city. | ||
unidentified
|
Just so fucking hard to make money. | |
You know what? | ||
So do it. | ||
So these guys come in. | ||
What happened? | ||
These guys come in. | ||
I'm up at the time. | ||
That's his term of endearment. | ||
I'm up at the bar and, uh, Brian was over with, I think Dominic or the, Were you? | ||
Okay. | ||
You had both your girlfriends there. | ||
I had two, my old girlfriend and my girlfriend at the moment, at the time. | ||
And it was kids. | ||
Tension, weird. | ||
Right, exactly. | ||
Because, of course, I still love my ex-girlfriend and was actually now in love with my other girlfriend. | ||
Is this the one that you were stalking? | ||
Yes. | ||
Yes. | ||
Oh, that's good. | ||
unidentified
|
You told him that story. | |
God, you got a good idea. | ||
You have a good memory, dude. | ||
Oh, it's like vice. | ||
You have a good memory. | ||
Wait, but finish the story. | ||
Go. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
So we're at the bar. | ||
I'm getting in between them. | ||
I look into the reflection of the mirror behind the bar, and I see these three guys walk in. | ||
unidentified
|
Two, I don't know, Hispanic galantes. | |
I mean, guys that just, you don't want them in your joint. | ||
They just scared me. | ||
They just looked like a rough dude. | ||
Yeah, rough dudes. | ||
And then from behind them comes 6'4, 6'5, curly hair, tightest, tightest shirt on. | ||
Biggest arms in the world. | ||
I mean, just a big, hard rock-looking Hispanic dude who was just fucking scary looking, who was right at a fucking, you know, right at GP. | ||
General population for you guys who do that. | ||
And I saw him come into the bar and I went, oh, fuck, my bouncer's not here yet. | ||
unidentified
|
But you could see that they had, and he was going to have problems with them. | |
And he was going to have problems with them. | ||
So I'm kind of looking at them at the bar. | ||
I've tuned out my girlfriends. | ||
I see the bartender look at me like, should I serve them? | ||
And I was like, yeah, yeah, give them a drink, give him a drink. | ||
And, you know, because you don't want to get started up. | ||
Why don't you fucking love? | ||
You know, who needs that? | ||
So anyway, they come in right next to us and they're having drinks and they're kind of, you can see that they are not, they're not there to have a good time. | ||
They're just, they're just not. | ||
There's something scary about them. | ||
All of a sudden, this yoker comes over to me. | ||
Yeah, but wait, don't forget what happened. | ||
You turn to talk. | ||
The minute you turn, he steps in front of Jimmy and starts, the huge guy is right, literally almost touching his girlfriend, looking down at her, trying to pick her up. | ||
Jimmy turns, he walks, he just bumps Jimmy out of the way and goes, what's up, man? | ||
What's your name, man? | ||
How you doing? | ||
And he's got his drink and he's towering over her. | ||
She's like this. | ||
She's pressed against the bar like that. | ||
So I know now, and he's still got it. | ||
The other guy walks around this way. | ||
So he's got his two guys flanking. | ||
I can't get in. | ||
So I go, we're going to fight now. | ||
This guy's literally sees my buddy. | ||
He's doing this on purpose. | ||
And as minute Jimmy said, so I go, okay, this is going to be a bad situation. | ||
So your heart starts beating fast because I don't know if these guys have knives. | ||
And they're older. | ||
They're just, I can tell, I can tell a guy who's a pro. | ||
You can tell guys who are used to doing bad shit. | ||
Yes. | ||
You can feel it. | ||
There it is. | ||
There it is. | ||
You can see it. | ||
He literally just moves Jimmy out of the way. | ||
Jimmy turns, and Jimmy turns back around, and he's got his back, this huge back. | ||
But okay, so go on. | ||
So you know I've got, but he sees that I've clocked this in the mirror. | ||
He sees that I've clocked this. | ||
So the guy bumps your girlfriend out of the way. | ||
He slides in. | ||
He wasn't a big bump. | ||
He just kind of slides in. | ||
He wasn't being a total dick about it. | ||
He had her against the bar looking down at her. | ||
Are you kidding? | ||
It was hot. | ||
All right. | ||
Come on. | ||
First of all, no. | ||
It was hot because I thought. | ||
What you should do is sacrifice one of them to him and then take the other one to X. Hey, hey, hey. | ||
Bubba. | ||
You know what I did? | ||
I was so close to her. | ||
Why'd you do this to me? | ||
Exactly. | ||
Now you're back. | ||
She brings in your boyfriend. | ||
She goes, this is my move. | ||
unidentified
|
That's huh. | |
This is my opening. | ||
That's hot. | ||
You're doing a great job describing it. | ||
No, so tell me what the fuck happens. | ||
In your words. | ||
Big guy. | ||
It's a strange moment. | ||
Something's going, whoa, uh-oh. | ||
I knew it. | ||
I chose to trust my instinct. | ||
unidentified
|
And all of a sudden I go, hell, yo. | |
Oh, man. | ||
Hey, wow. | ||
Champ. | ||
Hey, wow. | ||
Good to see you, man. | ||
Good to see you. | ||
You look great. | ||
But let me just let me just. | ||
Go ahead. | ||
You want to tell the fucking story? | ||
Why don't you let him tell the fucking story? | ||
You have the worst memory. | ||
Maybe because I had numbed out. | ||
I was so fucking scared. | ||
That's what happens, guys. | ||
Sometimes it numbs out. | ||
Jimmy goes like this, and I can see Jimmy now. | ||
He's going to Brooklyn and he's going to go, hey, bro, he's got to say something. | ||
So you said something to the guy. | ||
You go, hey, champ. | ||
You go, hey, champ. | ||
You know, what's up? | ||
You know, try to be nice. | ||
I come up to Jimmy and I go, hey, bro, I just want to tell you, man, you're my favorite fighter. | ||
I watched you fight Pazianza. | ||
I can't believe what you did. | ||
I can't believe they fucking robbed you, but you fucking took that dude above Vinnie Pasianza. | ||
I'm going, you fuck, these are your boys, man. | ||
This is the best fighter. | ||
And I start rubbing his shoulder. | ||
Can I buy you a drink? | ||
Can I buy your friends a drink? | ||
It'd be my honor. | ||
I boxed out at Gleason's. | ||
So if I could buy you a drink, man, I've never seen this one. | ||
And I look at this guy and I go, bro, your friend, he'll fight anybody, anywhere. | ||
I've never seen anybody eat through somebody. | ||
Did you see him fight? | ||
Bro, he got robbed in that Pasianza fight. | ||
He fucking got robbed. | ||
So the guy, now the guy looks and Jimmy, you know, look at his face. | ||
He looks like a half a psycho anyway. | ||
He's got no eyebrows. | ||
At the time, he had fucking red hair spiked like that. | ||
He's wearing like a weird shirt. | ||
So the guy looks down at Jimmy like that. | ||
And Jimmy goes like this, Jimmy picking up on my cue right away, knowing what I'm doing. | ||
He goes, hey, thanks, man. | ||
Thanks a lot. | ||
Thanks a lot, buddy. | ||
Thank you. | ||
I go, bro, you got the hardest right hand. | ||
I can't believe they fucking robbed you. | ||
How do you walk through those punches? | ||
How the fuck do you walk those? | ||
I would have looked at those manicured little girly hands of yours. | ||
Right. | ||
By the way, the guy turns around. | ||
He's got scar tissue in those knuckles. | ||
You got to look on the other side. | ||
There's the scar tissue. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's why I need a flesh. | ||
He's gripping some things. | ||
He wraps his hands. | ||
That's all. | ||
He plays the piano. | ||
Gripping. | ||
Meanwhile, by the way, the guy turns around. | ||
He goes, you a boxer? | ||
I go, boxer? | ||
I go, he's a fighter, bro. | ||
He'd rather fight than eat and fuck. | ||
You're not friends with him? | ||
And he goes, I just came in. | ||
And I go, you might want to move out of the way of him and his girl, bro. | ||
Don't give him an excuse. | ||
I'm acting like I don't know him. | ||
He goes, bro, you look like butter to him. | ||
He's a fucking knife in a suit, bro. | ||
He's a knife in a suit. | ||
He'll cut right through you. | ||
Guy goes, guy with his two fucking rough dudes, they just kind of go back and he goes, by the end of the night, he's rubbing Jimmy's shoulders and buying us drinks. | ||
Buying us drinks. | ||
Rubbing Jimmy's shoulders. | ||
Maybe you guys just totally got paranoid and they were cool. | ||
And maybe if you just bought them drinks, you could have just fucking avoided all this bullshit. | ||
At the end of the night, if they're rubbing your shoulders, I mean, you really think they were that scared? | ||
These big giant guys? | ||
They're probably just nice guys. | ||
You see some chick with some goofy dude with no eyebrows. | ||
Like, man, this chick, he's got two girls with him. | ||
I'm going to take a chance here. | ||
One of these might not be his sister or something. | ||
I don't like taking any fucking chances, okay? | ||
That's pretty hilarious, though. | ||
So you were just in a most, this is really an in-depth psychological study on Brian Callum, because at some point in time in your life, you would just make up fucking bullshit at the drop of a hat to get yourself out of the middle. | ||
If a man I can get laid, or if a man I get out of getting knifed, I'm fucking, I'm on it. | ||
So I don't want to get knifed, but I do want to get laid. | ||
I'll lie in both those situations through my teeth. | ||
And I'll come up with a, but it's, yeah, that's not just lie. | ||
It's a giant backstory. | ||
So funny, you're naming fucking. | ||
You're lucky that guy wasn't a boxing fan. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I was on a phone with a guy once. | ||
Some fucking bouncer handed me the phone to talk to his buddy. | ||
His buddy fought Chuck Liddell. | ||
It was Chuck's earliest loss. | ||
I go, no, you weren't. | ||
I go, Jeremy Horn was his earliest loss. | ||
I go, what are you talking about? | ||
Are you Jeremy Horn? | ||
You go, no, you're not, because I know Jeremy Horn. | ||
I go, who else beat Chuck Liddell? | ||
I go, what are you talking about? | ||
This is like a long time ago. | ||
I go, no one's beat Chuck Liddell. | ||
I go, and then it was like the Randy Couture loss. | ||
And then, you know, Rampage beat him. | ||
But up until that point, it had only been, it would only been, there had only been one loss. | ||
And it was Jeremy Horne caught him in an arm triangle from the bottom, actually, and put him to sleep. | ||
And the bell rang, and Jeremy got from under him and Chuck was out. | ||
That was it. | ||
So this guy was just like telling me, he just made up this crazy story. | ||
All these other people were totally buying into it. | ||
You know, it's like, yeah, my buddy's Chuckledille's first loss. | ||
I go, no, he's not. | ||
You know, no, hey, no, you're not. | ||
And so what would you have done? | ||
If you're right there at the bar, I would have fought Vinny Panzien. | ||
He goes, who fought Vinny Panzien? | ||
What's his name? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And then what if he's some crazy boxing guy? | ||
Like, dude, I used to be able to rattle off to you all of Marvin Hagler's opponents. | ||
Back in the day, I was a big Marvin Hagler fan. | ||
If you ran into me in like 1984, I would have been able told you everybody from Bernie Briscoe to fucking, I would have told you Mustafa Hamshow. | ||
I would have told you every guy. | ||
By the way, do you have anybody that could have beaten Hagler at his weight class to date? | ||
In MMA or in boxing. | ||
No, but that's one of the fascinating things about boxing is that Hagler today, if you put Marvin Hagler in 160-pound division today, he would still be storming through dudes. | ||
But there's not a martial artist alive from 1983 that would be able to compete with the 2012 guys. | ||
That's right. | ||
They're not even close. | ||
That's because it's evolving so much. | ||
So rapidly. | ||
There was no, I mean, even Hoyce Gracie, who was an amazing, had an amazing accomplishment. | ||
He's a legend. | ||
His jujitsu just does not compare to the jujitsu of his, even his nephew, Hadra Gracie, I think it's his nephew, or Marcelo Garcia, or, you know, the highest level guys. | ||
They keep innovating. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, it's amazing. | ||
Braulio hasn't. | ||
He keeps evolving. | ||
The best guys now. | ||
They're at such higher level of Andre Galvao. | ||
That is a really interesting thing. | ||
It's amazing. | ||
Because with boxing, you're right. | ||
That's a really interesting thing. | ||
Marvin Hagler fits anywhere in history. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Including the old days. | ||
And so does Ali, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And so would Joe Frazier. | ||
I mean, the Ali that fucked up Cleveland Big Cat Williams. | ||
See, most people's version of Ali is really distorted because their version of Ali is Ali post the three-year break. | ||
And when he came back and fought Jerry Quarry, he was not the same fighter by any stretch of the imagination as he was in 67. | ||
People don't realize what a cultural hero that Muhammad Ali was. | ||
He wasn't just ring wrestling. | ||
He became old. | ||
He didn't do shit. | ||
He didn't even go to the gym for three years. | ||
He didn't do anything. | ||
His body changed. | ||
He was like, he had a doughy body. | ||
Look at how beautiful he was. | ||
Oh, dude. | ||
The Cleveland Big Cat Williams fight is, in my opinion, one of the greatest performances that any boxer ever put on ever. | ||
It was a real big, strong guy, a dangerous guy, coming after a genius. | ||
A guy who was just doing some shit that nobody else was doing. | ||
Ali knocked him out, stepping backwards. | ||
unidentified
|
Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. | |
The way he did it was just poetry. | ||
When you watched him fight Sonny Liston, there's a book called, I read it by David Remnick called King of the World about that fight. | ||
And what was amazing about Ali is Ali said, Sonny Liston is the baddest guy on the planet, right? | ||
But the one thing he's afraid of is crazy. | ||
So he acted crazy. | ||
He would park his car on Sonny Liston's lawn in the middle of the night and start calling him out. | ||
He said, come on out and find me now, Sonny. | ||
And Sonny was actually afraid. | ||
He said later on, he goes, I'm afraid this guy might bite me. | ||
You sure this guy doesn't bite? | ||
Does this guy bite? | ||
He was asking people if this guy bites. | ||
And so Ali knew he could get into his head. | ||
He was also like Diaz. | ||
He's a psychological warrior. | ||
He'd get corners. | ||
He was the first. | ||
He was the first to figure out. | ||
He was a genius. | ||
They had to hold him back. | ||
His blood pressure was so high when he was doing the weigh-in. | ||
He was trying to get out of and talking to him. | ||
And something listened to me. | ||
They almost didn't let him fight. | ||
Yeah, it was in his life story. | ||
Angelo Dundee, who just died. | ||
Rest in peace. | ||
The thing about Ali was that three-year break. | ||
And then after that three-year break, then he fights Jerry Quarry. | ||
He fights Joe Frazier and loses. | ||
He's not the same guy. | ||
He's just not the same guy. | ||
And then he became a guy who was known for not just moving, but taking punishment. | ||
He just didn't move the way he used to move. | ||
If you look at the old movement, his shuffle, his footwork, it's all like mostly black and white footage. | ||
The Cleveland Big Cat Williams fight. | ||
People should watch that fight. | ||
It's fucking genius. | ||
Can you YouTube it? | ||
Yeah, I'm sure you can. | ||
You can YouTube almost everything of Ali. | ||
He was such a beautiful fighter. | ||
Wow, it was amazing. | ||
There was no one like him. | ||
He was basically a gigantic Sugar A. Robinson, but a little more clever. | ||
220, by the way. | ||
220 pounds. | ||
He's not a big guy. | ||
But I mean, that's just from not steroids and not lifting up. | ||
Well, the best heavyweights ever have been around that race. | ||
Mike Tyson, Muhammad Ali. | ||
Well, raise the question, Jack Johnson. | ||
Whether like 260 pounds or 230, what's the perfect weight for a heavyweight? | ||
Well, the problem with those really big guys is that most of them are muscle. | ||
And, you know, even if it's bone, just the sheer gravity of carrying around that much mass. | ||
Slows you down a little bit. | ||
Yeah, and a 220-pound man like a Mike Tyson can knock out any fucking human being that's ever walked the face of the earth. | ||
That's right. | ||
If Mike Tyson slams that fucking right hand that he put Larry Holmes to sleep with, or the ones where he would throw that right to the body and then that right uppercut where he crumpled Marvis Frazier, he was on another planet, man. | ||
He was on another level. | ||
And that punch puts out any person. | ||
It doesn't matter if you're 290, 300. | ||
So there's no benefit to being any bigger than Tyson was in a boxing match. | ||
In an MMA, it's different because guys get on top of you, they grab you, they weigh you down, they can control you. | ||
You know, an Aleister Overeem, like a 265-pound dude like that, there's a benefit to being that big. | ||
There certainly is. | ||
And it's just, like in the clinch, because Aleister throws those fucking horrifying knees from the clinch because he's so goddamn big. | ||
So if he can get a hold of you, that 265 pounds, all that muscle and that fury and the fucking acceleration, that knee slamming your organs, boom. | ||
There's just, you can't, you can't, there's no doubt about it. | ||
When that guy got bigger, he got better. | ||
But in boxing, I don't necessarily think that's true. | ||
I think there's a speed loss when you have too much mass moving around. | ||
Just boxing favors. | ||
Explosive fast twitch muscle almost exclusively. | ||
But then again, you know, I would have loved to seen Lennox Lewis fight Mike Tyson in his prime because Lennox was a big guy. | ||
He was larger. | ||
I think he was about 240 something. | ||
But you know, when Tyson was in his prime, he fought guys like Razor Ruddock and knocked him, hit him in the head, forehead, and knocked him. | ||
He was in a sitting position through the air. | ||
He knocked him across the ring. | ||
And Razor Ruddock was easily 250. | ||
Yeah, Razor Ruddick was a big guy. | ||
And a good fighter. | ||
He had that ridiculous left uppercut that would put people in a coma. | ||
You remember he had that weird, it was like a left hook, left uppercut. | ||
It was like a hybrid punch. | ||
Yeah, and wasn't afraid of him. | ||
Half a hook, half an uppercut. | ||
And he would hit like Dwight Muhammad Kawi type guys within. | ||
No, who was the? | ||
unidentified
|
He was the tough dude. | |
He was a very tough dude. | ||
It wasn't him, though. | ||
I'm thinking of another guy he fought. | ||
It was an early heavyweight champion. | ||
He won like the WBC title, I think. | ||
And Razor Ruddock hit him with that ridiculous fucking left uppercut. | ||
He hit a lot of guys with that uppercut and put them in a coma. | ||
Tommy Morrison beat Razor Ruddock, believe it or not. | ||
One of his biggest dudes. | ||
He stopped him. | ||
He stopped him. | ||
Have you seen Tommy Morrison today? | ||
Tommy Morrison. | ||
He has HIV. | ||
He has HIV, but apparently he says AIDS is a myth. | ||
But you know what's not a myth? | ||
Meth. | ||
Okay? | ||
And that's what he looks like. | ||
He looks like he found the myth of meth. | ||
It looks like if I was going to write a Dr. Seuss book about meth, I would have it about Tommy Morrison. | ||
I don't know what he's doing, man, but he's got weird marks all over his face, like weird, like a lot of times. | ||
He looks crazy bad. | ||
Not just bad, but weird bad. | ||
Bad, like poisoned. | ||
Bad, like, remember that Russian guy? | ||
He was a politician and he ran afoul of Putin. | ||
Yeah, and they poisoned dioxin. | ||
No, no, they didn't kill him. | ||
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they fucked his face. | ||
They used dioxin. | ||
I think he was the president of Belarus. | ||
And they didn't want him to run. | ||
He said, screw you. | ||
And he did anyway. | ||
And they poisoned him with dioxin. | ||
And his face never came back. | ||
He was a really handsome guy. | ||
Yeah, he was a really handsome guy. | ||
He literally looked like a monster. | ||
It was disgusting. | ||
Well, Tommy Morrison doesn't look that bad, but it looks similar in that something's going on. | ||
And also, he had tit implants. | ||
What? | ||
Yes, he had breast implants because I guess he lost some of his model. | ||
Yeah, man. | ||
Dude, pull up, Google up Tommy Morrison's fake tits. | ||
Dude, it's the craziest shit ever. | ||
He had breast implants. | ||
That's hot. | ||
So he's got, it's the weirdest thing, man. | ||
He's got like this body. | ||
That's a little hot. | ||
Looks like a guy that used to be athletic, you know? | ||
But for whatever reason, his tits are huge. | ||
But they're huge like fake tits. | ||
Like fake tits on a tranny. | ||
What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
Yeah, you ever see tranny tits? | ||
Tranny tits are different. | ||
First of all, they're different because the nipple. | ||
That's boys. | ||
Listen to me. | ||
If your girl pulls out the tits and the tits are hard and the nipple's small, run! | ||
unidentified
|
Run! | |
That's a man! | ||
But Tommy Morrison's, they looked like they were unnaturally shaped. | ||
And they still are. | ||
He even had an MMA fight where it's like he wore wrestling shoes and he just hit the guy with, it was like a only stand-up. | ||
And he needed some money, so he beat this guy up with boxing. | ||
Yeah, he's definitely got something wrong. | ||
He's got ATV. | ||
If he had bigger aerial nose, they would be pretty good. | ||
Let me say. | ||
You gotta sneak over and look at this. | ||
It's bizarre. | ||
Yeah, I'll pull it up on here too, Jim. | ||
Are you kidding me right now? | ||
Yeah, no, it's really bizarre. | ||
I mean, there are nothing like I would be proud of. | ||
What's that? | ||
How weird is that? | ||
This is the weirdest thing ever. | ||
Would you come on those, bro? | ||
Oh, shit. | ||
How dare you? | ||
And this is what he used to look like. | ||
He used to look like a fucking stud when he was in that Rocky movie, man. | ||
He was a stud. | ||
Hey, he's amazing. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
This is what he used to look like. | ||
And this is what he looks like now. | ||
That's not bitch tits. | ||
They're calling it bitch tits. | ||
That's not bitch tits. | ||
That's a breast implant. | ||
His muscle mass is wasted away. | ||
He's got fucking HIV. | ||
Put him in a white shirt. | ||
You lump. | ||
Wash your car. | ||
Get some water. | ||
What, Brian? | ||
You develop lumps in your body? | ||
Like, you'll hold fat in really weird places when you take those pressure. | ||
Yeah, look at him now. | ||
Come here, come here. | ||
This is what he looks like now. | ||
This is his most recent arrest. | ||
This is going to freak you the fuck out. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
Yeah, that's his most recent arrest. | ||
unidentified
|
What? | |
By the way, younger than me. | ||
He pretty much looks like a CGI character. | ||
I think he's younger than me. | ||
I think he's 43. | ||
I'm 44. | ||
I think he's 43. | ||
Look at that. | ||
I believe that. | ||
That's meth. | ||
He's doing something. | ||
He looks fucking horrifying. | ||
And this is one when he was doing a little bit better. | ||
He was HIV positive. | ||
But look at his fake tits. | ||
See that? | ||
Like, he was even kind of in good shape. | ||
But he had his pecs done, for sure. | ||
Look at that bulb. | ||
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. | ||
For the audio listeners, just Google search. | ||
Yeah, just Google Morrison. | ||
Google Tommy Morrison looks like shit. | ||
Here's another recent picture of him. | ||
Look at this. | ||
That's a real picture. | ||
That picture right there? | ||
That's him. | ||
That's Tommy Morrison. | ||
What's going on there? | ||
He might be bad. | ||
That's the real wrestler. | ||
That's the real one. | ||
He's only 42, excuse me. | ||
He's 42. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
That's terrifying, man. | ||
Yeah, it's nuts, man. | ||
But guess what? | ||
That's what meth does to you. | ||
Meth, I hear, really bad. | ||
There's no meth. | ||
That's never worked out. | ||
Meth doesn't really work out. | ||
There's no guy's like, dude, this is what happened. | ||
I got on meth. | ||
I cleaned my apartment. | ||
Next thing you knew, I had a job. | ||
Never happened on meth. | ||
Never really said. | ||
Problem getting off the meth. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | ||
Meth is a mother. | ||
It must be awesome, though. | ||
I mean, why is it that they keep going to it? | ||
Well, I think it's just a form of self-hatred and self-suicide or self-destruction, I guess. | ||
Yeah, there has to be some sort of a psychological aspect to the fact that. | ||
I'm amazed how many people do things that are just bad for them. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Like just like just smoking. | ||
I'm going to pick up cigarettes. | ||
I'm going to start smoking. | ||
Brian smokes. | ||
He started up again because his cat hurt her foot. | ||
Well, any excuse because you're so addicted to it. | ||
Any excuse. | ||
It's very addictive. | ||
Our pal Duncan was like, we had this argument the other day because Brian likes to smoke in our other studio in Pasadena. | ||
It's twice the size of this. | ||
It's a small place. | ||
So it stinks. | ||
It's a foul smoke smell. | ||
It's really disgusting. | ||
So all of a sudden we're sitting there having a podcast. | ||
I'm like, are you fucking smoking, man? | ||
And we start talking about it. | ||
And our friend Duncan is kind of shitting on him for being addicted. | ||
But then he's like, Duncan, you smoke too. | ||
You smoke every now and then. | ||
He goes, I smoked one cigarette yesterday and one today. | ||
I'm like, whoa, okay, whoa, stop, stop, stop. | ||
You're dancing with the devil, too. | ||
You're addicted, too. | ||
You're addicted. | ||
You're just giving yourself a little. | ||
It's very addictive. | ||
Giving yourself, it's a little, but he's like, I'm not addicted. | ||
I'm like, the fuck you aren't, man. | ||
If you were like, got out of jail, you did 30 years for strangling hookers and you punched a couple of girls in a nightclub. | ||
You're going back to junk. | ||
I got to go back to jail. | ||
Yeah, I punched a girl. | ||
I didn't choke anybody. | ||
Everybody went home fine. | ||
So she's got a fat lip. | ||
That's what he was doing. | ||
He was saying, I'm not addicted to killing hookers. | ||
It's like being almost pregnant. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't understand it. | ||
I've never experienced it, but I imagine the pull is amazing. | ||
We all have addictions. | ||
We're all alcoholics in one way or another. | ||
Well, that's a weird thing about human progress and about just the human mind, in order to get really good at something, must become addicted. | ||
You must be obsessed. | ||
I knew this early on, the madness of martial arts. | ||
You know, when I became completely obsessed with martial arts, when I was winning all these tournaments and shit when I was a young teenager, I knew that ultimately this is like kind of self-destructive. | ||
That ultimately this is the same thing as being someone who's a cocaine addict or addicted to gambling. | ||
You're an extremist. | ||
I just figured out how to put it into this one thing and get really good at it and suck this reward out of this one thing. | ||
But besides the character developing aspects of it, it's very similar to an addiction. | ||
Really similar. | ||
Because all I was doing is although, although I do think that there is a fundamental distinction. | ||
And that fundamental distinction is when you throw yourself into something like martial arts that intensely, it's very different than what you consider a regular addiction. | ||
In that, you have to come up against your own shortcomings to get better. | ||
You've got to be very honest with yourself and work on what you're not good at, train when you don't want to train, train through plateaus, and you get very familiar with what it takes to accomplish something and to keep accomplishing and get better. | ||
And then you can learn to take that particular experience and that paradigm and apply it to everything else. | ||
My brother, that's my tattoo. | ||
That's Miyamoto Musashi. | ||
Once you understand the way broadly see it in all things. | ||
Thank you. | ||
Red Slaughter. | ||
Most important thing that I ever read, ever. | ||
When I was a young boy. | ||
But I'm just saying. | ||
You're absolutely right. | ||
In terms of the significance in our culture and the positive aspects of it for your life. | ||
But I'm talking about it as sort of like a chemical reward action sort of a situation. | ||
When you break it down, that's the numbers. | ||
Dole brain chemistry. | ||
Everything. | ||
I try to always pull it out of the culture. | ||
Pull it out of the culture. | ||
Look at it as a culture. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
Look at his, because if you're a scientist from outer space, how would you look at this? | ||
Oh, well, this guy's good at kicking people in the head because he's got some crazy addiction. | ||
I couldn't even go to dinner with you. | ||
If I was out having dinner with someone or watching a movie that was about squirrels, all I was thinking about is kicking people in the face. | ||
All I was thinking about is slip that shot and then boom, counter and move to the left and set them up with this. | ||
That's all I was thinking about all day. | ||
It's just like being a junkie. | ||
It's a positive junkie experience. | ||
You have that. | ||
You have that. | ||
You're intense, man. | ||
When you get locked onto something, that's why you got to stay away from a golf course. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
You'll go crazy. | ||
Exactly. | ||
But Brian's seen me fucking play pool. | ||
It's horrific. | ||
He's gone out with me to pool halls. | ||
It's like being with a heroin addict. | ||
You won't stop, right? | ||
You can play all night. | ||
Well, I get better with every game, you know, so more focus, more in stroke. | ||
And five hours into it, I'm just warming up. | ||
Everybody's like, I want to go home. | ||
Like, I'm not even warmed up yet. | ||
I don't get in stroke until like eight hours. | ||
Pay for eight hours. | ||
I'm getting stroke. | ||
Yeah, eight hours, then you get into what a zone where you just know exactly how much pressure to put on the queue. | ||
This is, by the way, when you're not even under pressure, when you're not like under the gun gambling. | ||
This is just warming up. | ||
He's like, madness. | ||
It's like the movie. | ||
The movie The Hustler. | ||
If you guys haven't seen that movie, it's a classic poem. | ||
Zacky Gleason, man. | ||
Piper Laurie. | ||
And such a great movie. | ||
George Cotton. | ||
George C. Scott. | ||
My buddy's right in the movie. | ||
unidentified
|
You owe me money. | |
Exactly. | ||
It was so great with Bert. | ||
Yeah, Bert, whatever. | ||
That was pretty good, Bert Gordon. | ||
That was pretty good. | ||
Very good, Bubba. | ||
And he beat me to it because I was just about to do it. | ||
He was the original evil manager guy. | ||
But, you know, that's, and they play and they play all night, and then it's like it goes on, and Jackie Gleason goes in, washes his hands and his face, comes back out, puts on a new shirt. | ||
Puts on a new shirt. | ||
Well, that was also about some people find a way to look at characters. | ||
Yeah, right. | ||
Some people find a way to lose. | ||
You're a loser, Eddie. | ||
You lost yourself. | ||
You know, in fighting, it's what you see frontrunners. | ||
You see guys that do great as long as they're kicking the shit out of the other guy. | ||
But once they start getting it put on them, they fold. | ||
There's some dudes that just always fold. | ||
They do great and then they fold. | ||
They do not know how to come from. | ||
I read a really good book recently called 10-Minute Toughness. | ||
Have you heard about it? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
It's about sports by a sports psychologist. | ||
He's worked with the biggest athletes in the world. | ||
Mostly gymnasts, ice skaters, fighters, wrestlers, and guys like that. | ||
And skiers and things like that. | ||
How dare you put skiers and fighters? | ||
I know. | ||
But it's all, but when you're competing, especially when you're in the middle of the house, they're fighting those moguls, Joe. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
Well, gymnastics, gymnastics, you make one mistake and you're disqualified. | ||
Ice skating. | ||
Or you break your fucking neck. | ||
And what happens is, and what he talks about is really fascinating. | ||
He said that it's not about, you see, athletes have a very hard time dealing with... | ||
unidentified
|
I know. | |
I just have beautiful. | ||
My troll legs. | ||
I didn't mean to interrupt. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm going to say that. | |
That was just funny, buddy. | ||
He said the hardest thing to do is like, it's not about willpower. | ||
Willpower never lasts. | ||
What lasts is managing your self-image. | ||
So you have to learn how to talk to yourself the right way. | ||
So most people have negative, especially you become an athlete. | ||
And if you've got a lot to lose, like you're going for the belt or you have the belt or whatever, you will sabotage yourself if you don't know how to talk to yourself and ask yourself positive questions. | ||
Because most people ask themselves negative questions, right? | ||
What if I fail? | ||
What if I choke? | ||
All these things. | ||
So what he'll take athletes to do is he'll come up with, he'll have you start talking to yourself. | ||
First, you start talking to yourself the right way. | ||
You start asking yourself positive questions and you start talking to yourself the right way. | ||
And then what he'll do is this. | ||
He'll give you something to say before you work. | ||
So one guy, George Brett, one of the greatest baseball players of all time, he used to say this to himself. | ||
Try easier. | ||
Another guy would say this. | ||
Try easier. | ||
Try easier. | ||
Try harder. | ||
Relax. | ||
Another guy would say this. | ||
Don't make a big thing. | ||
This gym is who won a gold medal. | ||
I think that's the guy in the book. | ||
I can't remember. | ||
He goes like this. | ||
He goes, look away, relax. | ||
No, relax, look away, go away. | ||
And he would say that to himself. | ||
And it became a mantra of him taking himself out of the equation. | ||
But he gives you these, he really gives you basic. | ||
That's all well and good if someone's not kicking your fucking ass. | ||
Same thing fighting, though. | ||
He said, look away. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Go away. | ||
You got to come see stars. | ||
Well, what he's saying is that most of us defeat ourselves. | ||
Most of us defeat ourselves. | ||
Pretty sure your dick's bleeding. | ||
Look away. | ||
You tell me to look away because you got to learn how to be an animal. | ||
Yeah, well, it depends on. | ||
It's all sport particular. | ||
Well, it's also very, yeah, it's sport particular. | ||
But you've got to manage your self-image. | ||
You have to have done the work. | ||
It's not all about your muscles. | ||
You have to have done the work. | ||
Because if you haven't done the work, you're not going to be confident. | ||
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
And you're going to have questions. | ||
And when you're in a bad spot, you're going to have questions. | ||
You know, I remember there's always a difference, a huge difference between when I was in really good shape and I knew that I trained really hard and when I would take things like last-minute notice, I would fight in tournaments. | ||
I knew I wasn't prepared. | ||
I just wasn't ready. | ||
My head wasn't ready. | ||
My body wasn't ready. | ||
If your body isn't ready, your head's not going to be ready. | ||
It's not going to believe in your body. | ||
But when you know you've done the work, then you would feel great. | ||
Then you'd feel invincible. | ||
Then when you get your ass kicked, then that's when you got to rethink. | ||
That's when you're sitting. | ||
That was as good as I could be. | ||
Well, there's certain dudes that were always going to get you. | ||
There's certain physical attributes that some people have. | ||
We talked about fists earlier. | ||
I always had that. | ||
I always had giant hands. | ||
And I always had crazy knockout power, unusual knockout power for someone my size. | ||
You have men. | ||
Yeah, but that's nothing. | ||
I didn't go to school for that. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like George Foreman. | ||
I'm obviously not comparing myself to George Foreman, but he had the most ridiculous size hands. | ||
They were canned hams. | ||
So if you look at his fight with Michael Moore, he hit Michael Moore with a punch. | ||
I swear to God, I was with a bunch of people going, it's a fix. | ||
That fucking punch was nothing. | ||
That punch was nothing from you. | ||
But if that was a telephone pole with a glove on the end of it, and it just thumped you in the fucking face from 10 inches like that punch did, it would knock you the fuck out, okay? | ||
Well, George Foreman was 300 pounds with a giant canned ham for a fist, except it's got giant bones inside of it, like a hippo knee, and it fucking slams you in the jaw. | ||
A hippo knee. | ||
And your shit goes out. | ||
A hippo knee is the greatest, that's the greatest metaphor for me. | ||
And there are dudes who have just really unusual physical attributes. | ||
With me, I always had big hands and big knees, and I always had an unusual amount of power. | ||
Roy Jones Jr. is a perfect example. | ||
There's a guy who had, you cannot deny, there was physical gifts that transcend mere mortals. | ||
He had movement and speed that no one could compete with. | ||
You just could not compete with it. | ||
He was so good and so fast in his youth that he never used a jab. | ||
unidentified
|
He would leap in with a left hook that you couldn't stop. | |
He did everything wrong. | ||
His hands were down. | ||
His chin was up. | ||
He would put his hands behind his back and then knock you out with a punch like it was a fucking movie. | ||
That's so crazy. | ||
When he was at his basketball game. | ||
He would play a basketball game. | ||
No, he would play a fucking professional basketball game the day of a fight where he was defending his title. | ||
And go fight a guy who's heavier. | ||
And then box 12 rounds and go up to heavyweight and fuck up. | ||
You know when he fucked up, man? | ||
He fucked up when he went up to heavyweight and when he went up to, he fought John Ruiz, put on the performance of a lifetime, just shut John Ruiz out as a heavyweight. | ||
A guy who used to be 168. | ||
He used to fight at 168, by the way, not even cut weight to make 168. | ||
That's how fucking good Roy Jones was. | ||
Okay? | ||
And when he went up to heavyweight, he put on a lot of bulk. | ||
And when he got off the steroids or whatever the fuck it was to get up to heavyweight, which by the way, he had to have. | ||
He was in his 30s. | ||
There's no doubt about it. | ||
He put on 20 pounds of muscle like that over a short period of time. | ||
You're doing something. | ||
He's working with Mackie Shillstone and that guy's a guy that worked with Amanda Holyfield and Michael Spinks. | ||
They give you things, all right? | ||
These are pro athletes, all right? | ||
Period. | ||
Let's stop playing games, okay? | ||
The best guys all take something if they want to get bigger. | ||
There's no other way around it, right? | ||
Okay, so he goes up and then he comes back. | ||
And when he comes back, he cuts weight down to light, heavyweight. | ||
And he's off this shit. | ||
He looks terrible. | ||
Okay. | ||
And he gets in there with Antonio Tarver. | ||
A dude who's not scared of him. | ||
A dude who he had a real close fight with before. | ||
And Antonio Tarver in the middle of the ring goes, you got any excuses tonight, Roy? | ||
Is that what he said? | ||
That's what he said when they were fucking going eye to eye. | ||
And he said it with confidence. | ||
And then when you're not used to that, when you're used to being the guy who is chicken fighting and standing in front of a guy and just blasting out. | ||
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I thought he was dead. | ||
Tarver cracked him. | ||
Well, that was not that fight. | ||
It was the next fight with Glenn Johnson. | ||
Glenn Johnson fucked him up. | ||
Glenn Johnson knocked him completely unconscious where his head was off the mat. | ||
His legs were stiff. | ||
His arms were stiff. | ||
I hate it. | ||
That's like brain damage. | ||
And then he took a long time off. | ||
And then he came back and he got knocked out recently by that Russian dude, Vebedev. | ||
So he's still fighting? | ||
Yeah, man. | ||
He got knocked out in his, not his last fight, but his fight next to last. | ||
His last fight, he won a decision over a guy who had no business in the ring with him. | ||
But he owes money to taxes. | ||
He owes like $3 million to the IRS or something, according to the internet. | ||
Somebody get these guys an advanced. | ||
Well, he's in his 40s. | ||
But the thing is now, unlike Bernard Hopkins, who in his 40s, he's still fucking people up. | ||
You know why? | ||
Because he's a technician. | ||
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
Because he's a technician. | ||
He's always got his hands up. | ||
He's gifted as those guys are in the game. | ||
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
His footwork is perfect. | ||
He's always in the right position. | ||
And when he's not sure if you're going to hit him or not, he grabs you. | ||
He grabs you and mugs you. | ||
He punches you in the fucking back of the head. | ||
Waits for the referee to come, punches you in the back of the head on the break. | ||
He's just, he fucks you up. | ||
He roughs you up. | ||
He's fucking your foot. | ||
All the famous. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
He does all kinds of things. | ||
So Kelly Pavlick. | ||
Apparently what he said to Kelly Pavlick after he beat him was he grabbed him and he goes, don't let this ruin you. | ||
Don't let this ruin you. | ||
No, you know what else he said? | ||
You need to learn how to fight like a black guy. | ||
unidentified
|
He did? | |
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Go train with some black people. | ||
Learn how to fight like a black guy. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
Fucking right. | ||
And I wrote a lot of people. | ||
Kelly Pavlick. | ||
I wrote a blog entry about that. | ||
I wrote a long article on my website. | ||
If you just Google Bernard Hopkins is a bad motherfucker. | ||
That's the name of the article because it was just, I was so blown away by this guy in his late 40s who's taking on this knockout artist from the rough and tumble streets of, I think it was like where's he from? | ||
No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
He's from Youngstown, Ohio. | ||
Same place as Ray Boom Boom Man City. | ||
And he's fucking knocking everybody out. | ||
Knocked, what's his face out? | ||
He knocked a gang of people out. | ||
Kelly Pavak was knocking. | ||
But the one dude that he knocked out for the title that fucking shit, I forget his name. | ||
Poor kid wound up getting knocked out by a bunch of people after that. | ||
Jerome Jermaine James Taylor. | ||
Jermaine Taylor. | ||
Jermaine Taylor. | ||
unidentified
|
Taylor, right? | |
Jermaine Taylor. | ||
Tough guy. | ||
Really. | ||
But he was another one that they said was really talented, didn't quite train as hard as he should have because he was so talented and he wound up getting knocked out a few times. | ||
Once you lose a step, right? | ||
Once you lose a step. | ||
But also, the reality of concussions, man. | ||
The reality of concussions is you get that first one. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Have you had six? | ||
I've had six, too. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
Don't think, I don't think about it when I watch those HBO shows and I read more, you know, and I read the science section of the time. | ||
Do you have like headaches or do you depressed easy? | ||
No, I don't. | ||
You're lucky. | ||
You're also Irish. | ||
I think a lot of Irish people are used to concussions. | ||
It's just part of the DNA. | ||
It's part of the DNA. | ||
unidentified
|
I won't say that it's genetic, but I will say that's probably been handed down. | |
Well, a shalely across the head as a young lad. | ||
Have you seen the documentary Knuckle? | ||
Oh, the bear fighting. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, it's hilarious. | |
It's so funny. | ||
Oh, they're amazing. | ||
It's just like clans. | ||
Like, Ireland's just clans. | ||
I'll tell you something right now. | ||
unidentified
|
I'll beat that man, and there's no quill on the face of the earth that can beat me. | |
Not a man who is. | ||
You're a bag of shite. | ||
You're a bug of shite. | ||
Married. | ||
I'll tell you something about this. | ||
I'll tell you something else, Patty. | ||
Nevin. | ||
No, Nevin. | ||
And the history of the Nevins has ever been. | ||
And I've never seen the man out. | ||
I've never seen the man ever reach for a check. | ||
He's hiding under his wife. | ||
I've never seen the man reach for a check. | ||
And they'll take their shirts off and reveal the most unimpressive physique. | ||
Oh, that's great. | ||
Anyone can throw hands. | ||
I'll throw hands. | ||
unidentified
|
I'll pick. | |
I'll poke your eyes out. | ||
Your eyes I'll poke out. | ||
By the way, about my Irish broke. | ||
What part of Scotland is that Irish guy from? | ||
You're fucked up. | ||
You went Sean Connor. | ||
I'm terrible. | ||
I'm terrible. | ||
But you know what it is? | ||
Here's what it is. | ||
Alcohol and ugly women. | ||
You just start fighting. | ||
Of course. | ||
They're not fighting over territory. | ||
They're fighting to have some fucking meaning to their life. | ||
That's why they're angry at each other. | ||
They're trying to have some meaning for their everyday existence. | ||
By the way, they're always tired, okay? | ||
Because they're drunk all the time. | ||
When you're doing that, your motivation, your journey de vie, your lust of life, it's kind of out the window. | ||
It's always depressed. | ||
I was looking at the guy who was like, oh, he's got to be 55. | ||
He was younger than I was. | ||
He was like 33. | ||
I was like, what? | ||
Yeah, these guys get hammered. | ||
The brain is soiled. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You get hammered all the time like that, man. | ||
And those guys are always irritable as well. | ||
But, you know, some of them have amazing endurance for dudes who are drinking all the time. | ||
Yeah, but those bites lasted two hours, two and a half hours. | ||
Not a really fucking frantic pace, though. | ||
It's not like a Nick Diaz fight. | ||
He's on you fucking ripping shots of your ribcage. | ||
They like hit each other once and then they cover up. | ||
I'd love to see Nick Diaz just walk into one of those things, just pretend he's an Irishman. | ||
Be like, what, bitch? | ||
unidentified
|
What, bitch? | |
What did he have to be like, batch? | ||
Did he just call me a bitch? | ||
They called me a bitch. | ||
That man just called me a bitch. | ||
Well, not only that, he would be hitting them with like those 50% punches, 50% power. | ||
And they'd be like, this guy hits like a bitch. | ||
Next thing you know, he's fucking beating you into a bloody pulp. | ||
He's not going to be able to do that. | ||
If you can do a work on your Irish accent, go to Ireland, join a clan, you're making a fortune. | ||
They don't make you a nanny. | ||
There's no money in there. | ||
They spent $120,000 on those fights. | ||
They get the whole village to pitch in. | ||
The whole village together. | ||
You got to see the documentary. | ||
$120,000. | ||
The person's $100,000, man. | ||
They get the whole Klan to pitch in. | ||
They're like, you got to pitch in. | ||
All of a sudden, Nick Diaz right now is in a gym in Stockton, and he's rapping his hands while he's listening to this podcast. | ||
And he just went, did you say $120,000, man? | ||
Because I'll tell you what, man. | ||
I'm like, I ain't no bitch. | ||
unidentified
|
I'll go. | |
I'll fucking fight that dude. | ||
He'll get a clover. | ||
He'll get a huge clover tattooed to his chest. | ||
And he'll be like, can I wear gloves? | ||
He probably just doesn't want to hurt his hands. | ||
You know, like, you can go bare knuckle. | ||
I'll just wear these little gloves. | ||
I'll wear these gloves. | ||
Go ahead, bare-knuckle, dude. | ||
I'll bop blindfold myself and still beat you up. | ||
I love the way that too. | ||
Well, the skill level of these guys is terrible. | ||
You know, you watch these Irish boxers. | ||
Nick, because Nick is such a, it seems like he's his. | ||
You guys are spoiled. | ||
I mean, you guys are so spoiled. | ||
I mean, I am too. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
Well, you know, there's still, I am always, you know, look, I'm always pretty critical about a lot of things in MMA. | ||
But, you know, I'm pretty honest about it. | ||
But one of the most, the aspects of MMA that's the least evolved is the striking. | ||
And there's a reason why a guy like Nick Diaz could come in there and just fucking box people up. | ||
Because no one is, first of all, he's got a very unique style that's all his own, and he's figured out how to do that. | ||
That style of boxing for MMA is pretty fucking effective. | ||
But when you look at like the high-level strikers and other organizations, you're simply not seeing that in MMA yet. | ||
And that's why there's a new kid that just came in and fought in this last UFC, the first fight of the night, actually, Stephen Wonderboy Thompson. | ||
He's 60-0 as a kickboxer. | ||
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
Okay, yeah. | ||
Jesus. | ||
Yeah, and he's, but he's a karate kickboxer. | ||
So he's got this crazy style where he fights with the front leg first. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And he like he fights like completely sideways, but he throws like front leg roundhouse kicks, spinning kicks, all this wild shit. | ||
He knocked the fucking dude out with a front leg roundhouse kick to the face. | ||
The dude didn't even see coming because nobody would have thrown it that way. | ||
Taekwondo thing, he played. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
Exactly. | ||
But he's more of a karate kickboxing, like above-the-waist kickboxing, and those point tournaments. | ||
I think that's where he started out. | ||
Those guys cannot kick your head off of those. | ||
Fuck yeah. | ||
And those kicks. | ||
Wheel kicks, back kicks, that fucking front leg, man. | ||
No one kicks with the front leg like this guy does. | ||
And I've always saw that in Taekwondo tournaments. | ||
I always knew it was possible. | ||
There was another dude in Russia really, really recently. | ||
He was a really high-level karate guy as well. | ||
He fought in a lot of Kyokushin tournaments. | ||
He came out and axe kicked this dude in the face. | ||
And then 360 Roundhouse kicked him unconscious in the air. | ||
Boom! | ||
Which is a really effective technique. | ||
I know guys in my Taekwondo. | ||
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
They could do that. | ||
I was talking to Nate Marker. | ||
I go, Nate, please trust me. | ||
I don't know anything. | ||
I'm an actor. | ||
I have no business talking to you about fighting. | ||
I'm a pussy, but I did do Taekwondo, and I have friends that can kick better than anybody you've ever seen. | ||
I go, just go to my school, and you'll be amazed. | ||
Well, dude, I fucking sat down with George St. Pierre, and I was amazed that he would listen to me when he was like, I need someone to teach me to spinning back kick. | ||
And I'm like, dude, I can teach you. | ||
I can teach you. | ||
I thought he was humoring me. | ||
The commentator is just going to teach me. | ||
But when we came to the gym, we started working out. | ||
There's videos of it online. | ||
People don't believe me. | ||
But the guys that get really good at kicking like that, here's the thing. | ||
They don't learn how to box. | ||
They don't learn how to wrestle. | ||
They don't learn jujitsu. | ||
So that's all they do. | ||
They fight in these taekwondo tournaments and they have these wild fucking kicks. | ||
And they don't punch the face a lot of times. | ||
Those wild kicks leave you vulnerable for wrestling. | ||
They're not effective on their own. | ||
They're only effective if you learn that other shit. | ||
Exactly. | ||
And a lot of people don't because to get so good at kicks and then to learn all that other stuff, you have to be a beginner again. | ||
You have to get your ass. | ||
Usually, by the way, you got to start when you're young. | ||
Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
That's why guys like Rory McDonald, and there's young guys who are, if you can float between camps, like if you can just learn, but it's really hard. | ||
It's really hard. | ||
So the level of striking, like Aleister Ovream right now represents the highest level of kickboxing in MMA. | ||
Guy won the K1 Grand Prix, period. | ||
You don't get any better than that. | ||
It's a guy who's beaten Peter Ertz, beaten Gokan Saki. | ||
He's a fucking killer. | ||
Knocked out Bader Hari. | ||
So he right now represents the highest level of kickboxing in MMA. | ||
So you look at him, you go, striking doesn't get any better than that. | ||
It gets different. | ||
It gets different. | ||
Some guys have different techniques and different tools. | ||
But what he doesn't represent is that crazy Taekwondo shit. | ||
Like front-like roundhouse kicks and wheel kicks and axe kicks. | ||
And that is what this Steven Thompson guy represents. | ||
And so there's another layer to the cake that's just been added. | ||
Is he American? | ||
Thompson? | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
He's a piece of bad motherfucker. | ||
He's 28 years old, too. | ||
Yeah, but I think also like striking, if you had to choose, it seems like you would choose to be a striker first. | ||
You learn as a kid, and then you get really good at striking, and then you can really become a, like, if you put 10 years or five, six years as an adult into jiu-jitsu, you can get, depending on who you are. | ||
But these athletes can get really good. | ||
You can get good enough. | ||
Depending on who you are. | ||
I mean, with St. Pierre. | ||
See, look, St. Pierre has a karate background. | ||
He's Kyokushin background. | ||
And that's one of the reasons why his kicks are so good, his movement is so... | ||
And then he learned how to wrestle. | ||
I mean, this crazy thing is you look at George, and he's the best wrestler in MMA. | ||
The most effective. | ||
But he didn't even learn how to wrestle in high school or college. | ||
He didn't wrestle in high school or college. | ||
You see that with striking, really? | ||
It's really hard to get striking because, you know, honestly, he's very rare to see that even for wrestling. | ||
It's very rare. | ||
Of course. | ||
But my buddy's a pro boxer, and he said, the way you get really good at being able to slip punches and get really comfortable with that kind of speed and that timing is when you start when you're seven and you can catch and you learn how to catch punches like jabs on your forehead and all that, you've got to start as a kid because kids can't hurt each other. | ||
They don't hit as hard. | ||
So you start to learn how to, how to, you know, you come up learning. | ||
That's all well and good until you add Taekwondo to the situation. | ||
I've seen little kids knock other little kids fucking conscious. | ||
That's bad. | ||
And that's uncomfortable to watch. | ||
I've seen some little eight and nine-year-olds knock each other the fuck out. | ||
That's dangerous. | ||
It is dangerous. | ||
And you know what, man? | ||
They tell them, you know, like easy contact to the face. | ||
Yeah, whatever. | ||
Half these people are savages that are fighting in these fucking kids. | ||
Give them a fucking helmet that works. | ||
Those helmets don't work. | ||
Those cushiony. | ||
They don't work. | ||
No, the cushiony taekwondo helmets at the waist. | ||
Here's what's not covered. | ||
Your fucking face. | ||
Guys are getting wheel kicked in the face by other little kids. | ||
And I don't care if you're 30 pounds. | ||
If you have a wheel kick and it spins around with that heel and you hit a 30-pound kid in the face, you're going to knock him out, man. | ||
It's dangerous. | ||
I was 10 when I had my first concussion, okay? | ||
Make a tackle on a kickoff. | ||
I was a great young, young football player. | ||
I was fast. | ||
Did you go out? | ||
Oh, I woke up. | ||
I was in Breezy Point and I woke up and it was a night game. | ||
And it was right out of North Dallas 40. | ||
And I just laid there and I looked up and it was my coach and it was my other coach. | ||
And I saw my mom kind of walking towards me and with that look on her face. | ||
unidentified
|
And I was like, what just happened to me? | |
And where am I? | ||
And okay, I recognize you, you, and that's my mom. | ||
It's the first time you ever get knocked the fuck out. | ||
But as a man, you might, I don't want to get knocked out. | ||
unidentified
|
But as a kid, you're fucked up. | |
And how long did it take before you felt normal again? | ||
You didn't play football again that season? | ||
How about the next that I sat out a week? | ||
And they put me, yeah, yeah, they sat me out a week. | ||
And by the way, I didn't know what a fucking concussion was. | ||
Joe, I didn't know what a concussion was. | ||
A kid on my team, Jimmy Campbell, when I came back, he said, oh, you're back already. | ||
Oh, how you feeling? | ||
unidentified
|
All right. | |
I'm like, I'm fine. | ||
I'm okay. | ||
My mother never mentioned concussion. | ||
My father never mentioned concussion. | ||
Nobody knew what it was. | ||
You had a concussion. | ||
I went, oh, what? | ||
It raises really important. | ||
I went, but it raises very serious questions because now with football, that you know, we know what's happening to these guys' brains. | ||
By the time they're even, by the time they get into the pros, sometimes their brains have shrunk. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
We talked about it on a really recent podcast. | ||
That kid, what the fuck's his name? | ||
Henry. | ||
What's his name again, Brian? | ||
Henry Winkler. | ||
No, the football player. | ||
I don't know, it's not the five. | ||
Do you remember you Googled this? | ||
Yeah, I know what it is. | ||
Well, anyway, this kid was 28 years old, fell off the back of a truck. | ||
They do an autopsy on him. | ||
His brain's fucked. | ||
unidentified
|
He was the wide receiver. | |
Yeah, his brain was fucked. | ||
He had the brain of an old man. | ||
Yeah, already at 28. | ||
But that's the question now. | ||
What does that say now? | ||
Now, what do we do about the sport? | ||
What does that say? | ||
You want your kid playing football? | ||
I don't want my kid playing football. | ||
Fuck that. | ||
I would rather my kid box, for real. | ||
Because at least I think you can teach a kid how important it is not to get hit in the head and use good fundamentals and work with a good fucking coach that's not going to throw you to the wolves and get you beat up. | ||
You got to look at your brain as a time card. | ||
You have only so many holes you can get punched. | ||
And, you know, you punch a few. | ||
One, you might be okay. | ||
Two, whoa, it's getting weird. | ||
Three, oh, Jesus. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Scary shit. | ||
And they didn't know. | ||
It's weird that they didn't know. | ||
This was just a few decades ago and they didn't know what to do. | ||
Joe, I'm sorry. | ||
Let me give you my very brief history of my relationships with concussions. | ||
Okay. | ||
10 years old, first concussion, playing football. | ||
Okay. | ||
Pop Warner in Brooklyn. | ||
Then I'm 13 and I get high and I fall out of a tree. | ||
Concussion, I'm in the hospital for a week. | ||
In the hospital for a week. | ||
Okay. | ||
How high was the tree? | ||
High. | ||
I fucked up. | ||
I was high. | ||
20 feet. | ||
Yeah, I was way up. | ||
I was way up. | ||
Actually, no, I was on a swing. | ||
I got high. | ||
I fell off. | ||
My friend put me on my bike. | ||
I was knocked out. | ||
My friend put me on my bike. | ||
We had to ride back home about two miles. | ||
No bullshit. | ||
Back on Highland Boulevard. | ||
I didn't know where. | ||
Dude, I woke up in the hospital that night but I had been functioning the whole day. | ||
You know, then UFC fights all the time. | ||
And not remembering. | ||
And Alex Caceres this weekend gets headkicked in the first round, gets dropped, goes on, fights this crazy three-round fight. | ||
At the end of the fight, they tell him it's the end of the fight. | ||
He goes, what? | ||
He goes, you're lying. | ||
He goes, that was the end of the third round. | ||
He goes, you're lying to me right now. | ||
You're lying to me right now. | ||
He goes, you're lying to me right now. | ||
And then they stand in there in the middle of the ring and they read the decision. | ||
The referee's reading it. | ||
And he's like, baffled. | ||
I can't believe this is really the decision. | ||
This is really the end of the fight. | ||
Like, what happened? | ||
What happened? | ||
Short-term memory loss. | ||
Fought two and a half rounds, not even conscious, just on autopilot. | ||
Crazy. | ||
Then I got a concussion next year, 14 in the hospital for playing football. | ||
Then next year, three years in a row, 13, 14, 15. | ||
unidentified
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Jeez. | |
You got that long neck, man. | ||
You just start wearing a helmet or something. | ||
And all of them, you're going out. | ||
The second concussion was a fight. | ||
I hit the back of my head against the concrete. | ||
Oh, jeez. | ||
So a guy punches you. | ||
Punches me. | ||
unidentified
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You fall. | |
Fall. | ||
And, you know, it's that fall where you fucking hit your back and snap your head back. | ||
And by the way, he was a friend of mine. | ||
Oh, geez. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
It wasn't, you know, it wasn't a real, real fight. | ||
We were fucking around, fucking around. | ||
I got tagged just by accident, just fucking around. | ||
And by the way, he was with me when I was 13 the year before and put me on my bike and took me home. | ||
Oh, geez. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
This guy was a piece of work. | ||
He later went on about two years later to break into my father's house. | ||
And my neighbor, our neighbor, Bob Grant, an old Scot, said, I saw Robbie go up and climb onto your back of your roof. | ||
unidentified
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He said, he's breaking into your house. | |
And my father went berserk. | ||
My father took him to the Bahamas. | ||
He was a family friend. | ||
Should have taken him to the Bahamas and beaten the fuck out of him. | ||
We brought him back to the house. | ||
We brought him back to the house. | ||
Take him on vacation. | ||
He admitted doing it, and my father had him shave his head. | ||
And that was like his whole time. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah, he did that to two other guys, though, who broke into our house. | |
Two other guys have broken your house? | ||
Why was everyone breaking? | ||
But they were kids. | ||
The others were only 15. | ||
We made the kids. | ||
The kids shave his head? | ||
Made the kids shave their head. | ||
How many guys broke into your fucking house? | ||
unidentified
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Well, my best friend did at 15. | |
And at 15, my little sister's, two of her friends broke in. | ||
Girls? | ||
One girl. | ||
He made them two guys. | ||
Did he make the girl shave her head? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
He did. | ||
My dad did. | ||
He made the girl shave. | ||
I don't want to say their names. | ||
I'm just learning this racket. | ||
Can you imagine? | ||
He made the girl shave. | ||
His dad is so old school brother. | ||
He said very basically, he said very basically, listen, you're going to pay me back everything you owe me, which was just the change jars. | ||
They drank booze. | ||
They're kids. | ||
They're 15. | ||
And he said, you're going to write a letter of apology and you're going to shave your heads. | ||
And I remember they went, what? | ||
And my dad said, shave your head. | ||
I'm calling the cops. | ||
And we're going over to your parents' house. | ||
Jimmy, Jimmy's. | ||
His father, his grandfather fought for the world heavyweight, lightweight championship. | ||
Lightweight championship. | ||
So how does he get the girl to shave her head? | ||
He just tells her. | ||
He just tells her, go shave your head. | ||
How old is this girl? | ||
15. | ||
Is she pretty? | ||
No. | ||
Damn it, no. | ||
Darn. | ||
Italian girl, big, skinny. | ||
Olive oil with a big nose. | ||
Is she doing this? | ||
Is she alone at home and he's going to check on her later? | ||
No, no, they're coming the next day. | ||
My father has an appointment with them the next day on his front step. | ||
You're coming back here tomorrow at 5 o'clock. | ||
So he doesn't want to supervise it and watch. | ||
He just wants them to come back. | ||
Just come back. | ||
That would be a fetishy, weird thing. | ||
That'd be like, wait a minute, you're having teenagers shave their heads in front of you. | ||
We gotta crazy. | ||
We gotta talk about that. | ||
That's an interesting punishment. | ||
I never heard that. | ||
Well, my dad's old school. | ||
He knows that. | ||
They had to think about it. | ||
He doesn't want to bring it up. | ||
While they're walking around looking in the mirror at the stubble, they have a great idea. | ||
Mark a cain. | ||
Mark a Kane, man. | ||
Exactly right. | ||
You shave your heads. | ||
And they did. | ||
And I have to be honest with you. | ||
They were those. | ||
It's a gangster. | ||
Get a girl to shave her head. | ||
How did your dad punish you? | ||
My dad, you know what? | ||
He never did. | ||
unidentified
|
He very rarely did. | |
My dad just had to give me a look. | ||
He just had to have a tone of voice. | ||
And I got it. | ||
My mom administered corporal punishment. | ||
Yeah, religiously. | ||
Your mom beat the fuck out of you. | ||
No, she didn't beat the fuck out of me. | ||
She's my hero. | ||
She slapped me all. | ||
She's my hero. | ||
She ever knock you out? | ||
When my parents were, she didn't knock me out, but this is a true story. | ||
After my father and mom got divorced, my dad bought a house one block away on the next block. | ||
So I could go up into my room in my mother's house. | ||
I could look across and I would see my dad's house and I could see my room in my dad's house. | ||
So that when I was home, my dad, I'd see my dad come home about five, six, seven, eight o'clock at night, whatever it was. | ||
He was coming back from Manhattan. | ||
And I'd see him come home and I'd turn and I go, mom, dad's home. | ||
I'm going to go down and see him. | ||
And I would go out the back door, climb over the fence, and I would be at my dad's front step and stoop in 25 seconds, less than that. | ||
And we'd play hoops. | ||
And my dad said to me when I was 12 years old, I'm divorcing your mom. | ||
There's nothing we can do. | ||
But don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. | ||
And of course, I'm 12. | ||
I'm shocked. | ||
I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
They never ever argued. | ||
They're both awesome people. | ||
It just was a marriage. | ||
It just didn't unfortunately work out. | ||
You mean like most of them? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Exactly. | ||
That's why I'll never be married. | ||
The only reason to do it is for children. | ||
You can find a strange situation where the person is just unbelievably, you have some crazy compatibility and it works. | ||
But there's a lot of pressure involved in living with someone. | ||
There's a lot of pressure involved with being in a legal entanglement with someone. | ||
The threat of divorce is always looming over it. | ||
Is there a weird thing where you're illegally connected and you know, you know in the back of your head the statistics. | ||
Everybody knows. | ||
What is it, like 60% or something in California? | ||
50, I think. | ||
I think California is even higher. | ||
I think California is really silly. | ||
I know the national average is 50. | ||
I don't know about California. | ||
And that's the people with the balls to get out. | ||
That's right. | ||
That's the people with the balls to get out. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
And you know what, Joe? | ||
That's exactly. | ||
When I got older, I saw that. | ||
I got that. | ||
I really got that. | ||
Yeah, your divorce with your parents really changed you. | ||
I mean, you never really believed in marriage. | ||
I still don't believe in marriage. | ||
I'm married and I don't believe in marriage. | ||
It's ridiculous. | ||
I mean, it's a contract. | ||
It's an institution. | ||
That's the old saying. | ||
It's a great institution. | ||
It makes you want to be institutionalized. | ||
It makes women feel better and it makes them have something they can say to their friends. | ||
Oh, we're married. | ||
Oh, you're married now with children. | ||
Oh, she's married with children. | ||
They love that. | ||
Men don't give a fuck. | ||
It's a social media. | ||
When girls say, I got a ring. | ||
They all go, ah! | ||
When guys fucking say they got married, guys go, oh. | ||
I know guys who have kids who live with their girlfriend and they have no intention of getting married and the girl, like, there's always like a thing. | ||
No matter how much they love each other and how much they're together all the time and they just obviously have an amazing bond. | ||
They want that legal contract. | ||
They want that distinction. | ||
That's right. | ||
Designation. | ||
Ultimate commitment. | ||
This is Jimmy Burke. | ||
Ultimate commitment. | ||
This is Jimmy Burke. | ||
I've seen him dodge that bullet time and again. | ||
I had to turn my back in 30 seconds. | ||
I had to turn my back. | ||
What do you mean? | ||
There were a couple times where I had to turn my back because you got close. | ||
Oh, more than close. | ||
You bought a ring once. | ||
Oh, I bought a ring once. | ||
I remember that. | ||
unidentified
|
It was fucking Hail Mary from the one-yard line. | |
Oh, so you're trying to keep her? | ||
Trying to keep her. | ||
Yeah, she's awesome. | ||
She's mad. | ||
I want something real. | ||
This is my favorite. | ||
I want something real. | ||
You know what? | ||
I mean, I love you, and you're so amazing, and you can be the most perfect bruiser for me ever. | ||
But I want something real. | ||
And then they cry. | ||
I am 28 years old, Jimmy Burke. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
And then I'm going to be 30, and I'm not fucking waiting for you to grow up. | ||
You don't have a phone. | ||
You know what happens to me? | ||
When they cry like that, I'm like, oh, sweetie, come here. | ||
Then all of a sudden I'm like, why do I have a part on? | ||
It's so weird you're crying when it's turned me on. | ||
unidentified
|
Sweetie. | |
And you have sex with them, and then it's all fucked up. | ||
You know, the real problem is there's two completely different fucking animals. | ||
Absolutely different. | ||
And they're forced to breed with each other. | ||
So true. | ||
You know, that's a totally different species, the male and the female. | ||
Well, my biggest thing is that women would seem really, if there's a problem, women will just want to air it out and cry and just be heard. | ||
Whereas I want to go, I want to fix the fucking problem. | ||
unidentified
|
I want to fix it. | |
I'm not, if there's an issue, let's figure out where the fucking hole is and fill it, right? | ||
That makes sense to me. | ||
And that's a very natural male. | ||
They don't have that in them. | ||
They're not reasonably airing at it emotionally, hearing themselves speak about it, talking about it. | ||
That's the therapy. | ||
For me, they like bitching. | ||
For me, it's like, I don't want to talk about it. | ||
Let's figure out where the fuck the problem is and attack the problem. | ||
Well, that's one of the things that Chas Bono said when she started taking testosterone and becoming a man was how annoying women were. | ||
Oh, that's funny. | ||
Oh, so you really said it? | ||
Bickering, yeah. | ||
Cara he, I like how completely correct you are. | ||
You're amazing. | ||
Thank you. | ||
unidentified
|
You're amazing. | |
Thank you. | ||
Thank you very much. | ||
unidentified
|
I have a charity bono, chastity bono story. | |
Charity bono. | ||
Charity bono. | ||
Fudge show. | ||
unidentified
|
A story? | |
Yeah. | ||
I do. | ||
I worked at the Morgan's Hotel, first out of college, out of Fordham, and I was working in room service. | ||
And it usually got very busy and very intense. | ||
And the Morgan's was the first hotel opened up by Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager after they got out of prison. | ||
I don't know who that is. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Studio 54 at Joe. | ||
Studio 54. | ||
They own Studio 54. | ||
Come on. | ||
Steve Rubell, Ian Schrager? | ||
Oh, Baba. | ||
They also have some of the greatest hotels now. | ||
Okay. | ||
But most people don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
I'm sorry. | ||
You're right, Joe. | ||
You're right. | ||
Thank you. | ||
I got you. | ||
I'm like, yes, exactly. | ||
Anyway, these guys. | ||
Studio 54 was probably the most. | ||
I forget there's people listening. | ||
Honestly, I'm explaining. | ||
Yeah, I got it. | ||
It was the most decadent nightclub in the 70s, Studio 54. | ||
It was cocaine. | ||
It was drugs. | ||
It stood for, like, for the establishment, it stood for everything that was subversive. | ||
It was sex, drugs, and rock and roll. | ||
Oh, it was the real thing. | ||
It's historic. | ||
It's historic. | ||
And it's where every culture started. | ||
That's where people got fucked up, pregnant, killed, everything. | ||
Right. | ||
Okay. | ||
So they got out. | ||
They start a hotel. | ||
You're working there. | ||
They started to get a home. | ||
Chassity. | ||
Thank you for bringing it back. | ||
And room service. | ||
Hi, room service. | ||
Jim speaking. | ||
How may I help you? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Hi, Jim. | ||
It's Chassity up in the penthouse. | ||
Yeah, hi, Chassity. | ||
Hey, how you doing? | ||
What can I get for you? | ||
I'd like the cottage cheese platter. | ||
I'd like a tab. | ||
They still had tab back then. | ||
I'd like a tab. | ||
And I would like a side of a chopped fruit salad. | ||
I was like, okay. | ||
And that'll be about 20 minutes. | ||
All right. | ||
Thanks. | ||
Bye. | ||
Bye. | ||
Phone rings 10 minutes later. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Hi, Jim. | ||
Hi. | ||
This is Jassity. | ||
Yeah, I just put that order into you. | ||
I went, yeah. | ||
Yeah, Jassy, what can I get for you, honey? | ||
You know, I'm just going to change that order. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm going to have that cheeseburger deluxe with the french fries. | |
And I would like a beer with that, too. | ||
Okay. | ||
Was it a beer? | ||
I didn't remember. | ||
How old was she? | ||
She was probably 16, so maybe it wasn't a beer. | ||
It was probably a soda. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And I thought that was kind of strange. | ||
She just kind of revamped the whole order. | ||
Well, I would have immediately said somebody doesn't, when she's calling you with a hushed tone. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Somebody doesn't want her eating shitty food. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Somebody wants her on a diet. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Well, her mom's up there and sitting in there. | ||
And so this is also my Cher story. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I'm gay and I love Cher. | ||
You're gay? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I'm gay. | ||
Yeah, I'm coming out right now. | ||
Look, if I love Cher, I'm gay. | ||
Obviously, I'm gay. | ||
All right. | ||
You just have weird tastes. | ||
You don't have to be gay. | ||
No, exactly. | ||
If you love Madonna. | ||
Jimmy Berg is the straightest, gay, the gayest, straight man I know. | ||
Okay, so what happened? | ||
So I bring it up. | ||
I put it down, blah, blah, blah. | ||
She's like, thank you, thank you. | ||
unidentified
|
She then says, just let me sign this, blah, blah, blah. | |
It goes out. | ||
Okay, fine. | ||
I get a call from Cher. | ||
I come up. | ||
unidentified
|
She nails her on sneaking in the bad food. | |
And I felt so bad. | ||
You were there? | ||
Yeah, I felt so bad. | ||
So what does she do? | ||
What does Cher do? | ||
No, I heard her yelling. | ||
I was at the door. | ||
She heard her yelling. | ||
I just, what are you doing? | ||
Why are you ordering this? | ||
unidentified
|
And now they had the penthouse, which was, there was a downstairs and an upstairs. | |
I brought it to the downstairs. | ||
And she specifically told me to bring it to the downstairs. | ||
Sorry, bring it in. | ||
Bring it downstairs. | ||
Leave it downstairs. | ||
I had to go back up and bring Cher up, an entire, she had a whole order coming. | ||
And I brought it in. | ||
She was pissed off. | ||
She'd just gotten out of the shower. | ||
She was in a robe. | ||
She looked like just a wet rat. | ||
And I love Cher. | ||
I do. | ||
I do. | ||
You know, keep going. | ||
And I love her music. | ||
I don't think she deserved to win. | ||
Who cares? | ||
Come on. | ||
So I put the stuff down. | ||
I take everything off. | ||
I'm doing my jackhandy room service guy thing. | ||
unidentified
|
And she, I can see she's fuming. | |
And I give her the thing, sign. | ||
I don't know. | ||
unidentified
|
And it was probably $200 in the middle. | |
No tip. | ||
Now, that's where my story's going. | ||
No tip. | ||
Doesn't even sign. | ||
Doesn't even give me 10%, 5%, 15%. | ||
unidentified
|
Zero. | |
Zero. | ||
No tip. | ||
Now, to her defense, tip was included back then. | ||
The 10% tip was included. | ||
Not 15, 10%. | ||
And so what are you bitching about? | ||
I'm bitching about that. | ||
You usually just do a tip on top of that. | ||
I always got it. | ||
Of course you do. | ||
I always do. | ||
Because you're generous and because you get it. | ||
But yeah, I like Cher, though, because Cher, let me qualify this. | ||
Cher spends her own money and a lot of it to send hockey helmets and equipment and even body armor to soldiers in Iraq. | ||
Like on her own dime and does it anonymously. | ||
Like fucking got called out. | ||
They said, you're sending stuff. | ||
And he's like, yeah, and I'm an entertainer. | ||
Nobody respects my opinion, so I'm not going to give my opinion. | ||
But she was so upset at these guys getting blown up, like in the beginning of the war, that she fucking, she spent a fortune sending them hockey, body armor. | ||
And she was sending whole packages. | ||
That's a whole lot of stuff. | ||
I told you I love it. | ||
That is great. | ||
But I've always looked at her situation with her kid. | ||
And when I saw the whole thing, first of all, her kid was really fat, right? | ||
And then her kid becomes a man, right? | ||
And I'm like, you know, how much of this is psychological, man? | ||
How much of this is neglect? | ||
How much of this is the kid just didn't get enough love and attention because mom was a fucking superstar jeting all over the globe, you know, sucking Greg Allman's dick and just wasn't there. | ||
You know, who wasn't there, man? | ||
How many psychic, I don't know either, but when I'm hearing this story, the kid wants cheeseburgers and she's a little kid and she's fat, you know, and her mom screamed at her, you can't have cheeseburgers. | ||
unidentified
|
There's a certain rebellion, you know, my kid needed. | |
It's a glamour icon and your mom is this fucking really famous sexy woman and you're this little blob and you're trying to sneak in cheeseburgers and your mom's screaming at you and you're hating your life and you wish you were a dude. | ||
Maybe that's it. | ||
We're going deep with the Chaz Bona. | ||
Joe Rogan is the place to find Chaz Bonnie. | ||
That's got to be hard. | ||
That's one of the interesting things. | ||
We were talking about that on my podcast, Brian Callendar, everybody. | ||
Thank God you named it that too. | ||
The Brian Callende. | ||
That was your thing. | ||
By the way, we got Joe Carnahan, I'm hoping, who is the writer-director of Smoking Aces in the Gray, and A-Team. | ||
And he's going to be on my podcast. | ||
We're going to lay it down this week. | ||
Don't mention A-Team, though. | ||
Next time we get out. | ||
unidentified
|
It's not good. | |
I didn't see it. | ||
He's a good friend, and I love him. | ||
And he's a great friend. | ||
Rampage is good. | ||
He's a great friend. | ||
Rampage is good. | ||
You want a toothpick? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
You see that Drive movie, right? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Yeah, we were talking about Drive. | ||
Brian had a whole bunch of hilarious tweets about how bad Drive is. | ||
Dude, I was like, are you kidding me? | ||
You're going to end it this way? | ||
And what was all the hype? | ||
That number. | ||
And I thought about how boring it would be to shoot it. | ||
Like, Ryan Gosling, all he was doing was just standing. | ||
I mean, I love the guy's an actor, but what a bore to do. | ||
To actually be an actor and sit around a cool. | ||
You know what it is, man? | ||
Here's what it is. | ||
Most people don't know anybody cool. | ||
And so they love someone just to pretend to be cool. | ||
And they see cool being pretended. | ||
Like, maybe that's what Cool's like. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He's cool. | ||
It's covered with personification of cool. | ||
I mean, that's flattered in blood. | ||
Yeah, he's going to restaurants with people in an actor. | ||
Yeah, and that was the elevator where they lived. | ||
And like, what? | ||
They just forgot about that? | ||
unidentified
|
There's like a dead body just smashed in there. | |
That's a bad movie, man. | ||
That movie sucks. | ||
First 10 minutes was good. | ||
unidentified
|
If you see the first 10 minutes, right after the action movie, you go, okay, this is a crazy movie. | |
What I did. | ||
Race car driver. | ||
Because I have always thought about that. | ||
Like a lot of people, like, you know, we're cops. | ||
Most cops don't know how to fucking drive. | ||
You know, you get some crazy Mario Andretti motherfucker behind a Nissan GTR. | ||
Good luck, copper. | ||
Find that guy. | ||
You better have a helicopter. | ||
You know, you better have a helicopter and block those streets off in advance because you're not going to catch that guy. | ||
You're not going to catch that guy. | ||
Yeah, a guy who really knows how to drive can drive so much faster than a guy who doesn't know how to drive. | ||
And what's up with the, like, like, I almost played the game Drive Today with my girlfriend, like, where we talk to each other and then we just wait 30 seconds until we monally respond. | ||
Like, what was up with that? | ||
You mean monotone? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like, what was up with that? | ||
Like, the dialogue. | ||
Like, it was they were trying to do something cool. | ||
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
I know, but for an actor, for an actor, it's like, hey, dude, you're going to spend three months shooting a movie. | ||
And by the way, you have six lines. | ||
Most of it's going to be you standing. | ||
Think about the shots in that movie and what that would be. | ||
Well, I've got a life. | ||
It was an interesting choice because I think the guy was supposed to be autistic. | ||
There was something, obviously. | ||
There was a disconnect. | ||
Fuck yeah. | ||
That's why he was such a good driver. | ||
Look, I think there's a lot of people undiagnosed, mildly autistic, Asperger, Spectrum. | ||
There's a lot of people that are brilliant at something. | ||
I've met fighters that are like that. | ||
You know, where they have this weird way of talking. | ||
Yeah, and they also, they don't get all wired up about stuff. | ||
They're like real monotone about shit. | ||
And then they go out there and fucking throw down. | ||
On sports science, on sports science, they hooked up a lot of the really famous athletes to like in really high-pressure situations, like in games. | ||
And they found that their heart rate stays exactly the same. | ||
A lot of it's just this natural ability to stay calm under fire. | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
They become dead. | ||
They become like not there. | ||
And that's why whenever they ask like a physical genius to explain what was going on in your head during the game, they're really, they never can explain it. | ||
They can never like, they just say, well, we're just trying to get the ball in the end zone. | ||
And I just might be able to get it. | ||
But when you're in the zone, man, I don't think there's the training has to be there. | ||
The actual work has to be done beforehand. | ||
But when you're actually performing, you get to that Zen state where you're on autopilot. | ||
Something else takes over. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And that's one of the reasons why these dudes that are like these deadpan sort of dudes, they're not so concerned about their ego. | ||
They're not concerned about everybody loving them and putting on a show. | ||
I love gossling. | ||
I love watching that guy. | ||
unidentified
|
He's eminently washable. | |
This is why he behaved that way. | ||
It was a psychological choice. | ||
And there are people like that. | ||
So I got that, but I just thought the movie sucked. | ||
There was like no cops in this city. | ||
You could just murder people in the middle of the daylight. | ||
This is Los Angeles where there's a million people in the parking lots of all the parking lots. | ||
There was a couple of good chase scenes. | ||
The chase scene when they went to that one place and the guy got shot and he's in the getaway car and they realized he got set up. | ||
It was kind of interesting. | ||
That was kind of interesting. | ||
But there was so much dead stuff in between it. | ||
The guy who got out of jail and you're like, what? | ||
And the poor little kid and his dad's a loser. | ||
His dad's going to get killed, obviously. | ||
And he got all beat up in front of his kid. | ||
Just stop hanging out with that girl. | ||
Do you have a favorite movie? | ||
No. | ||
And was that Jewish Mafia? | ||
Do we have to be worried about the Jewish Mafia? | ||
Jewish mafia. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Is that what this movie was about? | ||
It was always trying to make Jewish movies. | ||
For the history of the organized crime, there have always been Jewish people that have been involved from Meyer Lansky, who was one of the original gangsters, because he's a smart guy and he wanted to make a lot of money. | ||
Jews have a long history in organized crime. | ||
That's what it seemed like, though. | ||
It seemed like that it was like a West Coast Jewish crime. | ||
You know, Ari Shafir's dad went to jail for like fucking four years. | ||
You know that, right? | ||
No, yeah. | ||
Jews do crime. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
No, I'm not saying they don't do crime. | ||
I just didn't know that there was like the West Coast Jewish mafia versus the East Coast Italian mafia. | ||
Is that how it is? | ||
Yeah, it was kind of funny. | ||
They call me a kite. | ||
Oh, come on. | ||
You went there. | ||
You cliched douchebag. | ||
Who wrote that? | ||
And by the way, Jim, how dare you? | ||
I forgot. | ||
This is the first, I think this is the first time that if you have a PlayStation, you can now go into a virtual world and watch this podcast right now in movie theater number three. | ||
They're just airing our podcast in PlayStation Home on PlayStation Network. | ||
That's fucking badass. | ||
So all our virtual people. | ||
So if you're in PlayStation right now, it's probably a few people right now that have already found it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm going to start going hanging out in there. | ||
And if you can find me, Dance For Me. | ||
Dance For Me? | ||
You can dance in PlayStation. | ||
Oh, you can dance. | ||
You can do everything. | ||
It's a virtual world. | ||
It's pretty sweet. | ||
What is it? | ||
It's like Warcraft. | ||
It's called PlayStation Home, which comes free on all PlayStations. | ||
And you pretty much go into this virtual world where you can hang out. | ||
It's like a chat room. | ||
It's a virtual world. | ||
You can do things like it, like, you know, like bending over in front of a girl to tie your shoe. | ||
And you just jump up and down. | ||
No, I don't think you can do all this space. | ||
Yeah. | ||
No. | ||
Fucking Jimmy one time. | ||
You have your own apartment. | ||
You can decorate your own apartment. | ||
And you can have people come back to your house. | ||
And then it's fucking badass. | ||
Jimmy ran with the bulls in Palmalona one time, you know, with a big blonde red wig on him. | ||
And he's got my grandmother, my mother, and my sister in the apartment. | ||
He's like, I want to show you guys. | ||
I want to show you. | ||
We're in his apartment. | ||
He goes, you guys don't see my videotape of me running with the bulls. | ||
We're all like, no, no, let's watch it. | ||
He goes, dude, the bull came at me. | ||
I had to make a shuck right and then left and the bull fell down, which is really true, actually. | ||
The bull cornered him and he shucked this way and he's got this huge wig. | ||
It's hilarious. | ||
He goes, you got it. | ||
And he's telling the story. | ||
He goes, well, I'll go back to my apartment and watch it right now. | ||
So my grandmother, my mother, my sister, and myself, we're all like, we're all huddled around the TV. | ||
And he goes, this is great. | ||
He takes this tape, puts it in. | ||
This is when they're at VHS. | ||
He puts it in. | ||
And he just pushes play. | ||
And we're all like looking all of a sudden, just on the fucking screen. | ||
And this cock is just ramming, ramming. | ||
This huge black cock is just killing this poor girl. | ||
And we all go, what the fuck is this? | ||
And he goes, oh, I'm sorry, guys. | ||
That's another tape that I'll show you later. | ||
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
My mother, my grandmother are like, screaming like that. | ||
Of course they were laughing. | ||
They were laughing the hardest. | ||
unidentified
|
They loved it. | |
I was like, dude, you just showed my fucking grandmother, my mother, the most fucking launching porn, acting like, and he acted like it was a mistake and stuff. | ||
You're completely removed from the digital experience, aren't you? | ||
You're not online. | ||
He doesn't have any other shit. | ||
You don't get online? | ||
You don't Google things? | ||
You don't get on the internet? | ||
Oh, no, no, no, of course I do. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
I have a computer that Brian gave me about 10 years ago. | ||
I have a Mac. | ||
You have a 10-year-old Mac? | ||
I have a 10-year-old Mac. | ||
It's dial-up. | ||
You have dial-up. | ||
It's dial-up. | ||
Wow. | ||
It's slow, but I'll be honest with you. | ||
I use it for email. | ||
I use it for research. | ||
Research? | ||
Yeah. | ||
What are you researching? | ||
Researching subjects. | ||
TED. | ||
And you don't. | ||
You watch TED on a 56K modem with a 10-year-old Mac. | ||
It's horrible. | ||
Come on. | ||
Why don't you call the computer? | ||
Well, because I live in a world where you have to make choices about do you want to pay your rent this month or do you want to have a new computer or hopefully somebody will get you one. | ||
You say waiting for her. | ||
But you've kind of chosen to live in this world. | ||
You don't live in this world because you're in Somalia. | ||
No, no, no, not at all. | ||
unidentified
|
You don't have any shoes. | |
No, I'm very happy with... | ||
I love it. | ||
I get what I need to do. | ||
You're such a strange guy. | ||
I also read a lot. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't get all my vote. | |
What is the philosophy behind this minimalist approach to life? | ||
You know, I never even thought about it being minimalist. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
As Brian once said in asthete, I had to go and look that up because I didn't know what it was. | ||
Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that you've been knocked the fuck out about 100 times? | ||
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
After my sixth concussion, my sixth concussion. | ||
How long ago was this? | ||
That was only about six, seven years ago. | ||
Touch tackle league on the east side. | ||
You were playing touch tackle even after all those times you got knocked out? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
You got knocked out with my dad on the sideline going, he's staying at. | ||
Get him the fuck out of the game right now. | ||
You just had a concussion. | ||
I saw firsthand with you, and I saw this because they thought you were going to die. | ||
They thought you had lung cancer, remember? | ||
Right. | ||
And it was serious. | ||
And I was like, this is my best friend. | ||
I was like, you're going to fucking die. | ||
They thought he had either lung cancer or the disease that kills firemen. | ||
Sarcardosis. | ||
Sarcodosis. | ||
I have a buddy who has sarcosis. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
So that you die from that. | ||
I hope your body died. | ||
Well, you take prednisone. | ||
It's a very serious. | ||
And they don't know how to cure it. | ||
And so those are the options for Jim at one point. | ||
And he was in the hospital. | ||
And what was amazing to me was I was like, I go, you seem so un you just don't seem worried and you don't even seem stressed. | ||
I know you better than anybody. | ||
And you're just exactly like you always are. | ||
And he said, he said, dude, I've made peace with my death a long time ago. | ||
He's like, you really, I saw that firsthand. | ||
I didn't see you miss even a beat. | ||
It was the crazy thing. | ||
Let me tell you something. | ||
I still don't want to die. | ||
This is what Brian and I always say about you. | ||
Brian and I always talk about how hilarious you are, how funny you are, how what a great entertainer you are. | ||
You're always peripherally involved in show business, but yet you choose to stay in New York and not have a cell phone and ride your bike around and not get into the hunt and not act. | ||
But when you say things like, you know, I live in a world where I have to choose between eating or getting a new computer. | ||
You don't have to do that. | ||
You could have easily come out here and done a lot of shit. | ||
You're a character, man. | ||
You know, like my friend Joey Diaz, another character was just doing great. | ||
He always does great. | ||
It's because you see him and you go, I got to put this guy somewhere. | ||
I got to do something with this guy. | ||
That's you. | ||
You could do, you still to this day. | ||
It might happen. | ||
It might be sooner than you think. | ||
Why don't you do it? | ||
You know, he loves New York and he loves New York. | ||
I'm sorry, Baba. | ||
Do you like New York? | ||
Do you like Louis? | ||
I have to be honest with you. | ||
I'm a born-and-bred New Yorker and I'm totally fucking in love with New York. | ||
I love New York. | ||
My family's there. | ||
What do you love about New York? | ||
I love my lifestyle. | ||
I love that I get on my bike, that every day I'm doing something that I love to do. | ||
I'm a personal trainer. | ||
I train people in the morning. | ||
I love it. | ||
I have clients. | ||
I had one client for 19 years and one client for 18 years. | ||
So I have long-standing relationships with these people. | ||
I've never seen you walk down the streets of New York without knowing everybody, including cops. | ||
Yeah, and I was involved in bars. | ||
My dad owned bars. | ||
You know, it's the New York milieu. | ||
It's your village. | ||
It's my village. | ||
It really is. | ||
I have so many circles, not to sound like a dick, but I have so many circles. | ||
I remember somebody, I think it was you who pointed this out to me. | ||
He goes, you have so many circles, not concentric circles, but overlapping circles. | ||
How come you've never done stand-up? | ||
Oh, dude. | ||
Tell them about the Boohoo Hammerham, please. | ||
This is a great thing. | ||
Hold on, answer the question. | ||
Why have you never done stand-up? | ||
Because I never thought of myself as a stand-up. | ||
But you're a hilarious dude. | ||
Thank you. | ||
You always have stories. | ||
I mean, how could you, I don't understand that. | ||
Because I think I'm a Shanaki. | ||
And a Shanekee? | ||
unidentified
|
Shanaki? | |
What does that mean? | ||
Shanaki is... | ||
It's an Irish storyteller, Shanaki. | ||
unidentified
|
S-E-A-N-C-H-A-I. | |
Shanaky. | ||
Can you tell Joe about the standard? | ||
That's gambling. | ||
How the fuck you get Shanakya? | ||
Is that a shanchie? | ||
Can you tell Joe about the Boohoo Hammerhead story? | ||
You can't be talking over each other this much. | ||
What are you saying? | ||
What was it? | ||
Goat Magic that was his name he was using, talking about the other day? | ||
Oh, Fox Magic. | ||
Fox Magic. | ||
It seems like it's the same thing. | ||
So what happened? | ||
Some story, Boohoo Hammerhead. | ||
Oh, Boohoo Hammerhead, right. | ||
It's a Sunday, it's a Sunday afternoon. | ||
I met my girlfriend at the time. | ||
This is six, seven years ago. | ||
And my old girlfriend, Shannon. | ||
And I'm watching the giant game, and phone rings, and Adam Roth comes on. | ||
And Adam Roth is performing down at Orleans Grocery that evening. | ||
Adam Roth. | ||
He's a guitarist. | ||
He was with the Del Fuegos. | ||
He's an amazing, amazing musician, a funny fucking dude. | ||
Boston, Massachusetts, Don't Went Wild. | ||
Thank you, Bubba. | ||
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
Thank you, Bubba. | ||
So he says, Jimmy, listen, we're going up tonight. | ||
Oh, baby, what's going wrong? | ||
Thank you. | ||
unidentified
|
We don't laugh on the phone like we used to. | |
You got a good voice, dude. | ||
No, not really. | ||
Accent's pretty good. | ||
I like that. | ||
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
Sometimes you got to say that. | ||
That's showing a trick, Joe. | ||
So I am. | ||
He's got a nice voice. | ||
You have a nice voice. | ||
You know what you have? | ||
You have good range. | ||
More chastity. | ||
Yeah, where were chastity? | ||
So Adam Roth calls me. | ||
So Adam Roth calls me. | ||
So Adam Roth calls me and he says, So we're performing tonight, and in between sets, we usually have about 15 minutes. | ||
He goes, we just came to the point. | ||
Oh, I remember this story. | ||
Yeah. | ||
With this funny thought of maybe you coming down and doing stand-up in between sets and really sucking and really bombing. | ||
And I started laughing. | ||
unidentified
|
I went, oh my God, that's the fucking, it's like he gave me the magic pill. | |
I went, are you serious? | ||
So he goes, yeah. | ||
I go, that's perfect. | ||
I said, I just get to go down there and beef and bomb. | ||
Okay. | ||
On purpose. | ||
On purpose. | ||
Bomb on purpose. | ||
Be the worst comedian ever. | ||
Exactly. | ||
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It's a great story. | |
And so I want, so there's no pressure. | ||
There's actually pressure to bomb. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Okay. | ||
Because I am so naturally actually handsome and effortless and eboolean. | ||
Less is more. | ||
Thank you. | ||
And so I immediately put down the phone and go, great. | ||
And I go, done. | ||
I'll be down there. | ||
I call up Brian. | ||
I said, BB, I'll call him BB. | ||
I go, BB, you're never going to guess. | ||
I tell him, he goes, oh my God. | ||
He goes, let me give you. | ||
He goes, let me give you. | ||
He goes, oh, that's funny, Jimmy. | ||
Let me give you some lines. | ||
So he gives me, just do topical humor. | ||
Just do observational humor. | ||
Bad jokes from the bottom. | ||
Yeah, bad airplane jokes and beds. | ||
You know, just bad shit. | ||
What's the deal with the airplanes? | ||
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Yeah. | |
But I had you do, you did some of that, my, my material, like the gay stuff. | ||
Yes, yes, I did. | ||
And that was funny, and that worked, and I did it really well because I was just stealing back what he had taken from me. | ||
Anyway, you're welcome, Bubba. | ||
Thank you, Bubba. | ||
Thank you, Bubba. | ||
So, because I did point that out to you, by the way, how gay men point. | ||
Okay. | ||
Stole some of his stuff? | ||
I steal all of his stuff. | ||
So it's given to him with love. | ||
Thank you. | ||
So you go on stage and you fucking bomb on purpose. | ||
Let me tell you what I did. | ||
Let me tell you what I did. | ||
What'd you do? | ||
I said to my girlfriend at the time, I said, listen, you're going to go up and hopefully there'll be a table open up there, up near the front. | ||
And I just want you to sit down because I want you to start to heckle me when I start to do my JFK Dallas portion of my recollection thing. | ||
She goes, okay, okay. | ||
I said, now I'm going to get kind of hard on you. | ||
So she's my setup heckler. | ||
Okay. | ||
Because I know you guys all set up your hecklers. | ||
I know that. | ||
I know that. | ||
I know you said that. | ||
I just got accused of that, man. | ||
We'll stop setting them up. | ||
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So she goes down. | |
And this is, can I give you a little bit of a question? | ||
How about do this where I don't fall asleep? | ||
Okay, thank you. | ||
You know, it's hard for me to give that. | ||
So I go on. | ||
I go on with a beer. | ||
I start off. | ||
You know, it's great to be down here in Greenwich Village, you know, with my gay brother. | ||
And hey, you know how you get a gay guy to fuck a woman, right? | ||
You know, you throw some shit in her cunt. | ||
That's the first joke he comes to. | ||
That's how I open up. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
And the whole place. | ||
And the place starts laughing. | ||
And I go, oh, that's actually great. | ||
Wow. | ||
And then I start doing your jokes about gay men and how they point, blah, blah, blah. | ||
And it's actually okay. | ||
It's actually kind of working a little bit. | ||
So then I go into my, you know, if you believe in Pavlov's theory, you know, the ringing of the bell for the dog and the dog starts to salivate. | ||
I was thinking about the guy who back in 1962, 1963, was in his kitchen getting blowjob, a really hot, sexy blowjob. | ||
And over the radio, his little transistor radio radio. | ||
This is the joke he's telling. | ||
The little transistor radio. | ||
Yeah, this is the bad joke. | ||
This is supposed to be bad, guys, okay? | ||
Because I'm supposed to bomb. | ||
And he's getting blowjob. | ||
And it comes over that Kennedy has been shot and killed. | ||
JFK has been shot and killed. | ||
And he blows his wad, okay? | ||
Just as he hears that over the radio. | ||
He's like, oh my God, the president's been fucking shot. | ||
But he blows his wad. | ||
So now he has that connected to a really good impulse in his brain. | ||
That's his joke. | ||
No, no, no, no, no. | ||
And every time someone says, so do you remember where you were when Kennedy was assassinated? | ||
He gets a fucking heart on. | ||
Okay. | ||
Wow, sucks. | ||
I start bombing. | ||
It's horrible. | ||
My girl who I set up. | ||
And you had a beer and you're talking about her. | ||
Yeah, I just got a rehab. | ||
It's stupid. | ||
But my girl up front goes, that's not funny. | ||
I go, what do you mean that's not funny? | ||
She goes, I was a big JFK supporter and that's not funny. | ||
All right, listen, sister. | ||
All right. | ||
Why don't you, and we get into it. | ||
I start telling her, shut the fuck up. | ||
And I took a lot of my stuff from what you did and how you try to get hecklers and how you fucking put them down. | ||
And then I literally said, hey, do yourself a favor. | ||
Go fucking throw some shit in your cunt and go outside and get laid. | ||
All right. | ||
No, not you. | ||
That's that. | ||
That was my line. | ||
That was my line. | ||
But I know that you could, you rip them. | ||
I know you rip them. | ||
I try not to. | ||
Well, I think. | ||
They stick the finger in their cage with you. | ||
Yeah, I mean, I've seen it. | ||
But you try to be fair, but if somebody's dumb and they fucking keep poking at you, it's crazy. | ||
But you got to let them really dig their own hole first. | ||
The most important thing is the audience has to want you to do something. | ||
You can't just go after them. | ||
So when you went after like overreacted, the audience will fucking hate you. | ||
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Oh, yes. | |
And I wanted to get away with the wildest shit. | ||
They hated me. | ||
Dude, it was at the end. | ||
There was not a sound. | ||
There was not a sound. | ||
People were recording. | ||
Recording. | ||
I wish you had, man. | ||
I don't have a cell phone. | ||
Five minutes set. | ||
Five minutes set. | ||
Five minutes. | ||
Five minutes. | ||
And it was real quick, real quick. | ||
I got a couple laughs. | ||
I started doing dead shit. | ||
Exactly. | ||
I started. | ||
I would have done the whole set, and it would have been like half that. | ||
Exactly. | ||
You know what? | ||
I wrote it down and I still have it. | ||
Really? | ||
You wrote down the set list? | ||
I wrote down the set because I've never fucking done standards. | ||
Well, if you were on Slipper, I would say once you put that online, it would be fun for people to look at, but you're removed from the cultural experience with your 56k modem. | ||
Exactly. | ||
You'll have to come over to the future. | ||
Fucking coal-fired computer. | ||
Have you guys heard about this thing where JFK's mistress just finally released a book? | ||
She's 69 years old and a grandmother now. | ||
She was a 19-year-old virgin when she met him, and he fucked her. | ||
He took her virginity. | ||
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Wow. | |
Yeah. | ||
He made her suck one of the other senators' cocks in front of her. | ||
Wow. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He said to her, yeah, he's looking really tense. | ||
Why don't you go over there and take care of him? | ||
And JFK watched while she sucked this other guy's dick. | ||
And JFK tried to get her to suck his brother's dick. | ||
Tried to get her to suck Teddy's dick, but she wouldn't do it. | ||
That's where she drew the line. | ||
An 89-year-old woman is writing this. | ||
69. | ||
69-year-old. | ||
It's fucking fascinating, man. | ||
She didn't say suck his dick. | ||
She said performed oral suckers. | ||
Those guys were so decadent. | ||
You could get away with it because the press wouldn't expose you back then. | ||
Well, not only that, I mean, there was no access. | ||
People didn't have access to the press. | ||
It wasn't the way it is today where you could just get on fucking Facebook and you go, I just fucked the president. | ||
I mean, even the Lewinsky thing, like, they were operating on an old model. | ||
They hadn't realized that now people were more salacious. | ||
They wanted more gossip. | ||
They wanted more. | ||
And you were right. | ||
They wouldn't have said that story in the 1960s. | ||
The press would have had respect. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And they would have, you know. | ||
You were protected. | ||
Yeah, you were protected. | ||
There was a proto-sacred, there was a sacred trust, you know, and now there's none of that, of course. | ||
Now we love it when people. | ||
Well, if you ever, if you ever, it's fascinating because you could control the sources of media because they weren't everywhere. | ||
And so what would happen was like LBJ, Linda Mee Johnson during the Vietnam War, he would, you can, in his tapes, you can hear him talking to the editors of these big newspapers and just saying, can you do me a favor? | ||
Can you please delay publication of that story? | ||
Because I'm trying to do some sensitive work here in Vietnam and you'll expose some soldiers and the name. | ||
And it's amazing how he charmed these guys into delaying a story. | ||
You could never do that, did he? | ||
Well, look at this whole WikiLeaks thing. | ||
That's the argument behind all that. | ||
The argument behind the WikiLeaks thing is this guy, you're saying he's not a journalist. | ||
Well, I'm saying he's the only one that's a fucking journalist. | ||
Because all these other assholes wouldn't have released it. | ||
If you gave that information to the New York Times, you gave the New York Times the video of that fucking Apache helicopter gunning down those people in the street and making light of the fact that they brought their kids. | ||
Shit, they brought their kids. | ||
Into a battle. | ||
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That would have never been fucking revealed. | |
They would have stepped back and they would have looked at their corporate interest and looked at the access they have to sensitive information. | ||
There's also a law, there was a law passed, and I believe it was World War II, it might have been World War I, where you're not allowed to post pictures, gory pictures of what really happens to soldiers. | ||
Because the truth is, when you get shot with big caliber guns, you come apart. | ||
You don't have holes. | ||
You come apart. | ||
And one of the things that was the law, I believe it was a little bit, I believe it's a law, I don't remember exactly. | ||
But you cannot do that because it's bad for morale. | ||
It's bad for soldier morale. | ||
And there are a lot of, it's very controversial because there are a lot of journalists who say, well, that is war. | ||
And as long as you keep it that removed and that abstract, you're not going to have people in the street talking. | ||
And the truth should be out there. | ||
But at the same time, there is something to be said about keeping things. | ||
I don't want, if my loved one gets blown to fucking smithereens, I don't want his remains all over a newspaper. | ||
Yeah, but that's not the solution. | ||
The solution is don't have your loved one get blown to smithereens. | ||
Don't have them go over in a fucking crazy war that makes no sense. | ||
Like I said, the Bush administration got so fucked up, they wouldn't even let them take photos of coffins. | ||
It become a crime to take photographs of American flag-draped coffins. | ||
That's complete and total insanity. | ||
But that WikiLeaks revelation, when people saw that gun footage, what was it called? | ||
Something murder or something? | ||
What did they call it? | ||
They released it under an actual name. | ||
Oh, collateral murder. | ||
That's what they called it. | ||
I think it was on collateralmurder.com. | ||
It's collateral damage. | ||
No, it was collateral murder. | ||
Collateral murder. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
Which was what? | ||
Which was what? | ||
What is collateral murder? | ||
Well, the video. | ||
That video. | ||
The gun shit shooting two of those people. | ||
That's so fucking mad. | ||
Horrifying. | ||
I mean, and when the guy says they've got kids, kids, and then he goes, well, they shot schools. | ||
He says after they shot 50 caliber fucking. | ||
It's their fault to bring kids into a battle. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
It's so hard to hear American soldiers that are that fucking hardened by it all and removed and callous to the idea that they're, you know, they're. | ||
Well, they're looking at, you know, a lot of those guys, if they were insurgents and they had the intelligence that said they were and they just pulled off whatever they pulled off, you get, you do, you get angry. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Of course. | ||
I mean, it's, it's just, I mean, war is hell, but it's like people were so, it was so filtered by the time it got to America, you know, through the mass media. | ||
It's so filtered. | ||
What you see on television as opposed to what is actually going on, boy, it's a whisper of a fucking, of a nuclear explosion. | ||
It's like, boom. | ||
You know, that's what you're getting. | ||
You're getting somewhere on the other side of the world. | ||
And your remote civilization is being vaporized. | ||
Great analogy, though. | ||
That's what it's like. | ||
That's great imagery right there. | ||
Seriously. | ||
It's really completely ridiculous that we allow it. | ||
I mean, that's the only reason why we tolerate war in the first place, because we're completely removed from the effects of it. | ||
As long as it's going on in some strange place where people are fucking donkeys in their spare time. | ||
With the exception of the Civil War in this country, that is the American experience with war. | ||
You know, 440,000 people were killed in World War II, and that's a lot, a lot of soldiers. | ||
But it was still done in another place. | ||
And if you were a European, that happened on your doorstep. | ||
That happened in your city. | ||
That happened. | ||
You looked around in 1945, and old Europe was essentially reduced to rubble. | ||
Well, that's why the Germans got really into shit porn. | ||
For real? | ||
Why do you think shit porn comes out of Germany? | ||
Why some shit? | ||
Because they're such a repressive society. | ||
And because they were humiliated, and because they were Nazis, and because they watched their fucking family members get gunned down, and everybody just blew fuses left and right and started eating shit. | ||
Yeah, I don't know. | ||
I think it has to do with it. | ||
The best shit porn comes from Japan and Germany. | ||
Coincidence? | ||
Those are also. | ||
But those are also very, very repressive societies in a lot of ways. | ||
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Sure. | |
That's also one of the reasons why there were warrior cultures. | ||
That's the best way to control people. | ||
Who's more suppressed than North Korea? | ||
You know, North Korea right now, they have a fucking moratorium on using a cell phone for like 100 days because of the deer leader died. | ||
You know, if you go to jail for six months if you get caught using a cell phone. | ||
Yeah, it's great. | ||
How about those pictures of them crying? | ||
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Weeping. | |
Crying, weeping. | ||
People who weren't crying got sent to labor camps. | ||
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Yeah. | |
Well, you get picked to live in Pyongy. | ||
You get picked to live there. | ||
Judge Fukushimi or whatever the reactor. | ||
Today they said that it's gone up 26.7 degrees Celsius. | ||
It went from 164 degrees Fahrenheit to the top. | ||
To Today? | ||
Yeah, it's been staying steady at 113, and then out of nowhere today, it just went to 164. | ||
You know, I've talked to people, I've talked, well, when we talked to Shane, Shane Smith from Vice.com, who was telling us how it's so much worse than the Japanese government is letting on, how he was over there. | ||
And, you know, the people that radiated food in Tokyo and people are getting what we Brian and I are going. | ||
We're going in a couple of weeks. | ||
Yeah, I'm terrified. | ||
I'm a little nervous. | ||
I mean, I know it's nowhere near Fukushima, but it's close enough that it's fucking scary. | ||
And it's also still volatile. | ||
The aftershocks are still going on from the earthquake that caused that tsunami. | ||
That's scary. | ||
And no one can say that one's not going to happen while we're over there. | ||
We're essentially playing musical chairs. | ||
Seriously. | ||
Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
But the government apparently is not being honest about the amount of radiation that people are being exposed to. | ||
And you know why? | ||
It's because they want to keep the economy moving. | ||
Chao Sunnam was telling me that his buddy Yushinokami, who lives in Japan, they're bringing Geiger counters and they're testing their food. | ||
And the food is fucking registering in supermarkets and places where it's radiated. | ||
Unbelievable. | ||
It's terrifying. | ||
I mean, what they've essentially done is they've created a sun that you can't put out and it's in a field and there's nothing you can do about it. | ||
And there it is. | ||
And you can't put that out. | ||
You can't put it out. | ||
Not only can you not put it out, you can't contain it anymore. | ||
If you throw cyclon, it's a complete meltdown. | ||
So it's gone through its containment area and it's essentially going into the earth. | ||
And by the way, there's no way you can stop it and it will be that way for the next 100,000 years at least. | ||
For as long as there have been people that have been wearing clothes. | ||
How about that? | ||
Think about that. | ||
Think about furs. | ||
Think about 100,000 years ago, people were wearing animal skins that they stitched together and called clothes. | ||
And that was a fairly new invention. | ||
That's 100,000 years ago. | ||
So 100,000 years from now, we're not even going to be this. | ||
We're going to be integrated into some fucking computer hive. | ||
And this spot will still suck. | ||
This spot will, we're going to have to somehow or another figure out a way to warn future civilizations if there's a mass die-off. | ||
Because if something happens to us, whether it's disease or shifting of the polar ice caps or a fucking meteor or human stupidity, and we kill a bunch of people with a fucking crazy virus that someone develops, like have you heard of this fucking crazy flu virus? | ||
They developed a prototype flu virus to see if it was possible to do, and it's fucking unbelievably deadly. | ||
And they said that if it got out, it would kill half the population. | ||
Literally kill half the people that caught it. | ||
50% of the people that catch it, they made it in a lab. | ||
Something like that can get out. | ||
Gore Vidal wrote about this in a book called Kalki 31 years ago. | ||
And it was a mind-altering book for me. | ||
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Gore Vidal, one of my favorite writers, Kalki, read about it. | |
It's about biowarfare and what it does to the world. | ||
It's absolutely real. | ||
And unfortunately, for the same reason why nuclear bombs were created, human beings, when they get involved in any sort of a science, any sort of a discipline, you will want to push that discipline to its highest levels. | ||
And if you're creating new things, whether it's new nuclear programs and power and fuel sources and propulsion systems, you're eventually going to come up with the ultimate weapon. | ||
And do you not? | ||
And someone else does? | ||
No, it moves forward. | ||
Technology moves forward. | ||
It has an ethic and it has a mind of its own. | ||
It almost does. | ||
And essentially that exists in biowarfare as well. | ||
If you are a scientist and your specialty is, you know, retroviruses or creating things or manipulating viruses or creating vaccines, and somehow or another you get into the grips of the federal government and the war machine and they say, listen, is it possible? | ||
Can you make like a super AIDS? | ||
Is it possible that you can make some sort of a fucking chickenpox that makes your dick fall off? | ||
That's crazy. | ||
possible. | ||
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I mean, they were really That's what it is. | |
They were actively pursuing the idea of a gay bomb for the Iraq war. | ||
Did you know that? | ||
That's a fantastic guy. | ||
The CIA was actively trying to figure out if it was possible for them to make a bomb that would cause men to be uncontrollably sexually attracted to each other. | ||
And the idea was, you know, they looked at like ecstasy. | ||
And you give people ecstasy and you're like, wow, look at this. | ||
Everyone's all affectionate and loving. | ||
What if we found out what makes you gay? | ||
What if we found out the trigger? | ||
We know what makes serotonin. | ||
We know what makes dopamine. | ||
We know if we give you MDMA, you have this massive surge of feel-good treatment protein. | ||
What if there's something or another that we can figure out that makes your dick hard for men? | ||
Would the objective be? | ||
Humiliate the troops because they would fall uncontrollably in love with each other and they'd just start fucking in the battlefield. | ||
The CIA actually tried to fuck the enemy. | ||
And then you're really in treaty. | ||
All those guys marching toward us with hard-ons. | ||
No, no, it was closed guns. | ||
No. | ||
It's called Operation Fabulous. | ||
Operation Fabulous. | ||
Exactly. | ||
That's true. | ||
No, it wasn't called Operation Fabulous, but it was a real thing. | ||
They really were trying to come up with a fucking game on it. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
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Isn't that amazing? | |
I read that, Bubba. | ||
There's so many creeps out there that are pushing buttons. | ||
I know. | ||
There's so many fucking sociopaths with pocket protectors that are going, can we do that? | ||
Can we do that? | ||
Let's try to do that. | ||
Let's contain that. | ||
Contain that and try to do that. | ||
I sit around trying to figure out ways to make people funny. | ||
Some people figure out ways to kill people. | ||
Well, Oppenheimer, man, it was almost impossible to not create the bomb because the real threat was what if the enemy gets it from it? | ||
What if Germany gets it? | ||
So if you have the technology, if you have the capabilities, you have to do it. | ||
But that's, you know, I mean. | ||
Oppenheimer, there's a famous, I guess, video I'm seeing of him crying or, you know, just kind of overcome with emotion over what he told me. | ||
Well, he quoted the Bhagavad Gita as they blew up the first nuclear bomb. | ||
I am become death, destroyer of worlds. | ||
And they're like, what the fuck are you saying? | ||
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Wow. | |
He quoted the ancient hidden series. | ||
Oh, there's a video of him. | ||
Pull that up, Brian. | ||
Pull that up because it's really fascinating to hear him talk about it. | ||
When you hear actually Oppenheimer, you hear him say it in his own words. | ||
He quotes it, and you can feel that you could feel the responsibility of a man who's directly responsible for killing half a million people. | ||
Yet at the same time, it also ended the war. | ||
And I'll tell you something else. | ||
My buddy, a friend of my family's, Larry Small, on his desk, he was the president of the Smithsonian Museum. | ||
On his desk, he had the Enola Gay, which was the bomb, the plane that dropped the bomb on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. | ||
It's called the Enola Gay now. | ||
It dropped Fat Boy and Little Boy, right? | ||
Colonel Tibbetts. | ||
Colonel Tibbetts was the people came in and they said, How can you have a weapon of destruction like that, something that killed that many people that quickly? | ||
And he said, Well, if you notice, there's also a red bonnet around it. | ||
And they said, What's the red bonnet? | ||
He said, Well, that red bonnet actually, that belonged to a little child who had rickets because she couldn't get enough calcium and she was dying. | ||
But after that bomb was dropped, four days later, the intern, the concentration camp that she was kept in was liberated because she was a little girl. | ||
And that little girl ended up being my wife, who then gave me children. | ||
So I actually like this fucking plane because it saved my wife's life, and I have two beautiful children. | ||
That's a beautiful way to look at it. | ||
But by the way, there's a large argument among historians where they believe that Japan had been trying to quit and concede victory for two weeks before we dropped the bombs. | ||
That is why we wanted to drop those bombs anyway. | ||
And there's just as much and more evidence on the other side that suggests that Japan was not going to quit, and in fact, it was going to cost up to 2 million American lives to storm Japan. | ||
And I say fuck them, and I'm sorry. | ||
And I get very emotional about this because Japan started that fucking war, and they were so horrific during the day. | ||
Well, you hold on, hold on, though. | ||
Starting with Japanese. | ||
You also know that they were goaded into attacking Pearl Harbor. | ||
And in fact, we knew they were defending Pharaoh. | ||
We don't know Pearl Harbor, and I disagree with that. | ||
The fucking History Channel, they had professors from three different universities that were standing up there talking about how they had decoded all this information. | ||
They knew Japan was going to, that's why they pulled out these battleships. | ||
Know the theory very well. | ||
But they've proven that they pulled out critical battleships because they couldn't afford to lose them. | ||
That is not true. | ||
It's not true. | ||
No, and it's professors who say that are simply, are simply theorizing. | ||
And if you listen to the, I've been listening to this argument for 25 years. | ||
If you actually look at the current literature, my father just read a book about this, had a long talk with him. | ||
You look at the current literature, that theory has simply been debunked. | ||
There is no way the United States lost a quarter of our navy, a quarter of the Navy was crippled because of that aggression. | ||
Now, there was a lot of internal debate in Japan about whether or not to go to war. | ||
But the fact of the matter is that Japan not only started that war back, talk to the Chinese about what Japan, that they've never still never apologized for. | ||
They've never apologized for anything they did in World War II to this day. | ||
And that's what Japan has never lived up to. | ||
And they should be ashamed of themselves because their behavior in World War II was not only just aggressive, it was inhuman, and they've never taken responsibility for it. | ||
Well, first of all, they were lower. | ||
Hold on, you're talking about them like they're one person. | ||
They're the same person today. | ||
I'm indicting you, of course. | ||
You're going crazy nationalism on me now. | ||
No, no, no, I'm not being nationalistic. | ||
You are a little bit. | ||
Because you're saying they and they haven't taken responsibility. | ||
They're not even the same humans. | ||
They're not the same humans, but. | ||
But you are right about the rape of Nam King. | ||
I have that documentary. | ||
It's fucking horrific. | ||
Yeah, but it goes on. | ||
It goes on. | ||
But I'm mad at the Japanese government, not the Japanese people at all. | ||
There's a lot to be respected about Japanese people. | ||
They're saying fuck them. | ||
And the people that got killed were civilians. | ||
I'm talking about, I'm speaking as if I'm in 1945, and I'm saying that what ended that war was those two bombs. | ||
Now, killing, vaporizing 100,000 people is a horrible thing. | ||
It's a horrible thing. | ||
But what I'm saying is that when you're a commander in a war like that, and you're Truman, and they come to you and they say, we can take that, we can take Japan, we can storm Japan, we'll probably lose a million American soldiers, or we can drop bombs on them. | ||
That'll end the war tomorrow. | ||
You say to your commanders, drop those bombs. | ||
You're also saving Japanese lives on the Japanese. | ||
And Japan has to take responsibility for the people. | ||
Maybe that happened, but it also might have happened that they wanted to fucking use these bombs. | ||
And they wanted to let everybody know that even if Japan wanted to concede defeat, listen, bitch, we're going to try these shits on you because we made them. | ||
And we want to let everybody know how we have them. | ||
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I don't believe all this crazy take over the world nonsense any government or any administration. | |
But Brian does, and Brian takes the Fox News point of view on a lot of different things. | ||
You do. | ||
You do. | ||
You get a little bit crazy. | ||
And you don't concede that the government is capable of doing some horrific things. | ||
But when you bring up things like Operation Northwoods and you know that they were going to kill American soldiers and blame it on the Cubans, that's absolutely factual. | ||
I don't put anything past the U.S. government or any other government. | ||
Right. | ||
Okay, so then why would you think that they would be unwilling to drop bombs on somebody? | ||
I think it's very hard to get away. | ||
I think the way our government is structured, let me be very clear about this. | ||
I don't trust our government. | ||
I don't trust people in power, Americans or anybody else. | ||
And I don't put anything past somebody in power. | ||
So let me be clear. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
What I mean to say is whenever people say things like, for example, we wanted to drop the bomb, it's very hard. | ||
It's very hard to win. | ||
What happens the way our government is structured is you get into a war room with a lot of people, a lot of people who are civilians that military people have to answer to. | ||
And there are about 25 different, and read Woodward's book called The War Room, A Bush at War. | ||
Fascinating. | ||
Because what happens in a war room is there are 25 opinions and everybody's buying for their, and they have intellectual debates the way all of us would. | ||
They have their point of view and they talk about consequences. | ||
And believe me, a lot of guys in there are going, there's a moral, there are moral points of view and everything else. | ||
I don't want to kill a bunch of people. | ||
So what happens is, finally, it gets whittled down to four or five arguments. | ||
The president goes into a room and he has to choose. | ||
But when you come into a room with a bunch of guys and you say, hey, I think we should drop this bomb because I want to see if it works. | ||
It's not like that. | ||
Yeah, it's not like that. | ||
But I'm saying that those arguments are not. | ||
You just really complexified the process of how to figure out what to do. | ||
And then on the other side, you simplified it down to a ridiculous sort of a cartoonish. | ||
I didn't mean to do it. | ||
Let's see if it works. | ||
I'm just trying to paraphrase. | ||
But look at, man, look at the Gulf of Tonkin. | ||
For sure, we know that they faked this attack in order to bring people in the Vietnam War. | ||
Pentagon Payne. | ||
For sure, we know that they knew that there was no weapons of mass destruction, and yet they brought us into Iraq. | ||
For sure, we knew that the Operation Northwood, signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was going to kill American civilians. | ||
I agree. | ||
They were going to kill American soldiers. | ||
They were going to arm Cuban friendlies. | ||
That's evil shit. | ||
And no one ever went to jail for any of that stuff. | ||
So, those are the same goddamn people that would have been responsible for all the other different things that could have been done. | ||
I agree with you 100%. | ||
All I'm trying to say is that all I'm trying to say is that I think it is. | ||
So, you're saying that they did all this horrific shit, but they wouldn't do horrific shit. | ||
No, no, no, no, no, I'm saying that. | ||
What I'm saying is that maybe it's a factor, maybe it's wasteful. | ||
It's one of the factors. | ||
What I'm saying is that when you decide to drop a bomb on Nagasaki Shrimp, you do it for a laundry list of reasons. | ||
Okay, I understand what you're saying. | ||
I disagree. | ||
And this is what I disagree with. | ||
I think that you are saying that they would not consider doing that. | ||
You are saying that they wouldn't do that. | ||
It couldn't happen. | ||
You're saying definitively. | ||
He's saying definitively that it wouldn't happen because this is how the process goes. | ||
I think you're dead wrong. | ||
I don't think you know how the process goes. | ||
And I think even reading books where Bob Woodward's describing the war room, I don't think you have a fucking clue as to how the process was going on in 1947. | ||
I think it's massive amounts of speculation. | ||
99% of the shit is classified. | ||
And we know about a lot of fucking, even do the Freedom of Information Act. | ||
I was reading up about the Pearl Harbor shit. | ||
One of the reasons why they can't come up with a definitive reason or a definitive answer as to whether or not the government had prior knowledge is because of how many papers were classified. | ||
But we dropped the bombs. | ||
We dropped the bombs because it was going to end the war. | ||
Maybe. | ||
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Maybe. | |
That's that's the problem. | ||
We might have dropped the bombs because the war might have been on its way out anyway, and we might have wanted to let them know what the fuck was up. | ||
There might have been an excuse to use them. | ||
It is possible that they wanted. | ||
Look, they didn't drop them on military checkpoints. | ||
They didn't drop them on the army. | ||
They dropped them on two cities, Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which were military cities. | ||
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Yeah, but they dropped them on the military infrastructure. | |
Well, sort of. | ||
It's a city. | ||
It's a city. | ||
It was the worst war. | ||
It was the most horrific war. | ||
I mean, it was hell on earth. | ||
Well, it was the first time we had. | ||
Dresden looked like the surface of the moon. | ||
It's the first time we know as far as that we had the capabilities to do something like that. | ||
Look at the difference between Dresden before the Allied bombing. | ||
It was conventional weapons, incendiary bombs, and then Tokyo before and after. | ||
It is so horrific. | ||
It's amazing that it was not that long ago. | ||
That's the most incredible thing about World War II. | ||
It was such a vicious war, and it was so ruthless on both sides. | ||
But what I always just say is that the aggressors of that war were imperialist powers. | ||
They were Japan and they were Germany. | ||
And the objective, the sole objective was a group of men who had total control over their population, and their objective was world domination. | ||
And that's the difference. | ||
Imagine if they came through with it. | ||
Imagine how different. | ||
I thought about it. | ||
How fascinating would it be if there wasn't a United States and the United States was, let's get fucking crazy and decide that pilgrims never fucking came over here. | ||
And so this is just a bunch of Indians running around here and no one even knows what's going on in Europe. | ||
And that's not outside the realm of possibility. | ||
Because when you look at the window of opportunity between the 19, look at from 1700 to 1947. | ||
That ain't shit as far as the universe is concerned. | ||
And when you're talking about the fact that Europe had massive works of art, had all this incredible shit that they had already accomplished, all this amazing architecture, this amazing fucking history and written history. | ||
And there's people here running around with animal skins over their dicks, shooting arrows at deers at the same exact time. | ||
It's amazing. | ||
I know. | ||
It's amazing. | ||
And if no one had the balls to get in a boat and come over here, who knows? | ||
I mean, there would have been a tiny spattering of population in 1947. | ||
That's really possible. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
So what the fuck would have happened? | ||
If Hitler was still there, and Mussolini was still there, and whoever the fuck was the emperor of Japan, if they all got together at the time, and they really did the same thing, and they took over the whole world over there. | ||
But it was also a time, you know, when they talk about World War II, and they talk about... | ||
He was a god. | ||
He was a god. | ||
He was taking Amaratsu's. | ||
That was the first time they heard his voice. | ||
The Japanese people had never heard his voice. | ||
They stopped everywhere. | ||
And he told the country to surrender. | ||
Whoa. | ||
And Japanese people, there's video of it. | ||
Japanese people were jumping to their deaths as the Allies were coming in. | ||
The god was being piped in. | ||
And by the way, to anybody who's listening who is Japanese and anybody who's, I am not putting anything past a government. | ||
I'm not indicting the Japanese people today. | ||
We're all people. | ||
I'm not saying that. | ||
I'm talking about governments, and I'm talking about men in power who still don't own up to responsibilities. | ||
You're talking about the root of shit porn. | ||
That's what I'm talking about. | ||
That's what we're talking about. | ||
Japanese and Germans. | ||
That's where it's all coming from. | ||
We started a riot inside the PlayStation Theater, by the way. | ||
We are watching the PlayStation Theater. | ||
There's a bunch of people in there, and they're watching the podcast in the theater. | ||
That is nuts. | ||
That is nuts, and it looks just like a movie. | ||
Come over here and turn around real quick. | ||
This is the strangest fucking shit ever. | ||
Somebody took a screen capture of it. | ||
And it's the PlayStation Home Theater number three. | ||
You can watch this live, and there's just people sitting there, like Blue Ball Monkey and a couple other people. | ||
That's so bizarre. | ||
I love Sushi 30. | ||
What a weird world we live in. | ||
What gem you removed from the cultural experience? | ||
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There it is. | |
You don't even connect it to this. | ||
But what's relevant about what we're talking about is that during that time in the world, it was a time of great political experimentation. | ||
It was this notion that you could perfect a human being with an ideology. | ||
You could perfect a human being with totalitarianism, control over the total person, and re-education, reprogramming of someone's mind. | ||
And so treating a human being as though they were a noun. | ||
There's a blueprint or something. | ||
Human beings are obviously verbs, right? | ||
Have you ever read War is a Racket? | ||
No. | ||
War is a Racket by this guy from the, he retired from the Marine Corps. | ||
He was a major general and Major General Smedley D. Butler, war hero. | ||
And after he retired in 1935, he wrote a book about how he had been misled and all of his different campaigns have really just been about protecting bankers, protecting oil money. | ||
And he didn't really realize it until it was too late, until it was over. | ||
It's a fucking fascinating read. | ||
Because if you read it and you didn't know like who this guy was or the time period that he's talking about, you would assume that this is a guy who recently defected from the army. | ||
You would assume that this is like some kind of shit, like, you know, some Gulf War guy who came over. | ||
There's a lot of soldiers who've come over. | ||
There's a bunch of different organizations where they have soldiers for peace and, you know, they talk about their horrific experiences and they talk about how bad war is and how war is unnecessary. | ||
You know, Pat Tillman, after he volunteered, That was one of the reasons why his family suspected that he was actually killed. | ||
As he was getting very, very vocal about how fucked up the war was and how he had gone over there with perfect intentions. | ||
But once he got over there, he realized this is a disastrous cluster fuck of epic proportions. | ||
Nobody knows what the fuck they're doing, and we shouldn't be here in the first place. | ||
And everybody knows it. | ||
This Medley Butler article is, he wrote a book, actually. | ||
It's a fucking fascinating. | ||
What was the year again on that? | ||
1933, I believe. | ||
Yeah, that's when he retired. | ||
But that's the thing when you read history, you start to realize a lot of these, like you hear speeches like back in the 30s and 40s, and you go, man, that's just as relevant today as it would be back then. | ||
But it's incredible that this guy had figured that 35 was when he wrote the book. | ||
And he was talking about how the U.S. is engaging in military war games in the Pacific that are bound to provoke the Japanese. | ||
He was talking about this in 1935. | ||
They know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
He wrote, war is a racket. | ||
It's always been. | ||
It's possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. | ||
It's the one of the only intentional in scope. | ||
It is international in scope. | ||
It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. | ||
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Dude, when you give myself, Brian, let me say one thing. | |
If anybody's listening, the history of war is the history of man. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
And that's its progress. | ||
Yes, yes, but, but the way you avoid, the best way, it's not foolproof, but I believe the best way to try to avoid horrific things like World War II that killed millions of innocent Japanese, innocent Germans, innocent Americans, | ||
so many people, so many innocent people, especially in Europe and especially, you know, but the way to avoid those horrific things is to have a political system in place that is transparent and gives people the power to make their own decisions. | ||
Yeah, you know what that is? | ||
The internet. | ||
There you go. | ||
That's the future. | ||
There you go. | ||
The internet is the future government. | ||
They try to legislate it. | ||
Yeah, that's why they're trying to shut it down. | ||
That's why they're trying to fucking put enforcements out. | ||
When they take down mega upload, what they're doing is testing the waters. | ||
They're trying to figure out how much. | ||
Don't give anybody too much power over you, whether they're American, whether they're Japanese, whether they're not going to be able to do it. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
They're all going to behave the same way. | ||
The big lesson is that the people you're saying yes to today may not be the people you're saying less to 10 or 20 years from now. | ||
That's right. | ||
So you put a law in place now, some Dick Cheney, evil, cunt-faced douchebag is going to be in control in a couple of years, then you're fucked because that law's there. | ||
That's why this is the same thing. | ||
And it goes back to what you were saying. | ||
See, your cynicism about people in power is very healthy. | ||
So when you say, I don't put it past anybody, that's actually the right attitude. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
What is the attitude? | ||
So it always goes back. | ||
It goes back to history and evidence. | ||
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Exactly. | |
And it goes back to the question that you have to answer. | ||
Who governs the governor? | ||
Who governs the governor? | ||
Who? | ||
The people. | ||
It's got to be. | ||
The only thing that I defend is when people come up with these theories, it's always more complicated. | ||
And I think that people try to make decisions. | ||
Most people try to make decisions based on their national interest, based on ambition. | ||
But I think there are a lot of factors that go into, for example, the Arabic. | ||
unidentified
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What do you mean by most people making decisions? | |
Let's say the Iraq War. | ||
The Iraq War was an election. | ||
I think they do it to make money. | ||
They think they're doing it all to make money. | ||
But only the problem, the Army. | ||
They're not doing any of that for the interest of the American people. | ||
Well, can I say one thing? | ||
But the architects of, say, the intellectual architects of the Iraq War, for example, Paul Wolfwood, Douglas Fleet, I think what drove them was hubris and ambition and the notion that they themselves could change the world and restructure the world. | ||
Well, also they became a war corporation. | ||
And one of the things about becoming a corporation is that you lose, there's a diffusion of responsibility. | ||
You have a bunch of people moving towards the same goal. | ||
And even if that goal is evil, it seems like it's going to be okay because it's not really you. | ||
That's exactly right. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's exactly right. | ||
It's easier to rape someone in front of 100 people than it is in front of one person. | ||
Exactly. | ||
And ideas take on a mind of their own. | ||
All of a sudden, it becomes a snowball. | ||
And everybody's kind of, it's a confluence of sort of ideas, exactly what you said. | ||
And all of a sudden, everybody's rolling toward this objective, and it's madness. | ||
It's collective madness. | ||
And it starts with the drum beats. | ||
And that's really where that comes from. | ||
That's right. | ||
And the collective conflict. | ||
But then it raises this question. | ||
You do define yourself, and a nation defines itself in some ways on what it's willing to fight for, what it's willing to go to war for. | ||
Right. | ||
But when the nation's entire history is built on bullshit and murdering people for money, it's kind of hard to take that nation seriously. | ||
So that nation says, we're standing up for the right thing now. | ||
I know we fucked a lot of people over and killed millions in the name of oil and gas and minerals and whatever, but now we're America. | ||
It's halftime America. | ||
Yeah, but see, I'm less critical. | ||
I'm less critical. | ||
But I'm less critical of that. | ||
Of course you are. | ||
I know. | ||
Because what does that even mean? | ||
Your country is not the government. | ||
That's what's crazy. | ||
Your country is the people that you know and you love. | ||
The ideals this country is founded upon is that this is America, land of the free, home of the brave. | ||
Meanwhile, they're sucking liberties out of us like a vampire with a fucking straw. | ||
That's why you got to vote for Ron Paul every day. | ||
Yeah, you can try, but you know what? | ||
They'll kill that old man. | ||
You know, I love Ron Paul. | ||
I already have. | ||
I wore a Ron Paul shirt on the Tonight Show and sat next to him. | ||
Hey, ideas take a while. | ||
Ideas take a while, but let me tell you something. | ||
Ron Paul four years ago would not have gotten the percentage of support he got. | ||
No, you're right. | ||
They're still shutting him down. | ||
The big news corporations are still just giving Michelle Bachman attention and make a big deal about the fact that Rick Perry resigned. | ||
Rick Perry is now going to support Mick Romney. | ||
Oh, who gives a fuck? | ||
What is the guy at the gas station going to support? | ||
Interview him because he's just as likely to be a leader as Rick fucking Perry, that dunce. | ||
That's why I'm voting for Roseanne Barr, 2000. | ||
It's not a bad idea. | ||
There you go. | ||
I'd vote for Roseanne. | ||
I love Roseanne. | ||
I'll vote for her. | ||
A crazy bitch. | ||
You'll run chick proper. | ||
That's right. | ||
You should put everybody in check. | ||
We should have a woman in power. | ||
We should share some power with women. | ||
Aunt Wrong. | ||
What are you a fucking man? | ||
Mental cramps. | ||
Fucking communists. | ||
Menopause. | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
Plus the fact that it's not normal for women to be running shit. | ||
You obviously didn't see the irony. | ||
The only time women run things correctly is when it's some crazy banana republic in the middle of nowhere and you get some crazy bitch who knows how to shoot people. | ||
She takes over for a short time and they make a movie about it after she's dead. | ||
That's when it works right. | ||
Talking about Eva Road? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, like, who was Margaret Thatcher? | ||
She really let Margaret Thatcher run. | ||
Margaret Thatcher. | ||
Margaret Thatcher's no joke. | ||
Margaret Thatcher, get out of here. | ||
Margaret Thatcher is a son. | ||
She did run shit. | ||
She was a male George Bush. | ||
Damn right. | ||
unidentified
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No. | |
A female George Bush. | ||
She was smart than George Bush. | ||
She was a fucking figurehead. | ||
Watch her. | ||
She had a bunch of evil fucks behind her working the strings, a bunch of bankers. | ||
Watch her debates in Parliament. | ||
She gave as good as she got. | ||
She was bad as she was. | ||
She did. | ||
So was Hillary Clinton. | ||
Hillary Clinton could debate her assistant. | ||
Not even close. | ||
Not even close. | ||
Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady? | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
Do you know Meryl Streep made a movie about her? | ||
Damn right. | ||
They sent me one of those things in the mail. | ||
Like one of those sag things. | ||
I looked at him like this. | ||
Like, just imagine wasting my time watching this fucking stupid thing about somebody else. | ||
I made a movie date night with my girlfriend. | ||
Just curl up on my couch and wear that. | ||
unidentified
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I will watch that little streep do anything. | |
That woman is a n-share. | ||
That woman is an artist of the highest level, the greatest actor I've ever seen. | ||
Male or female, on stage or off. | ||
Okay, what are you talking about? | ||
She's not better than Gary Oldman. | ||
Shut the fuck up. | ||
Gary Oldman in Dracula, shut your mouth, ball. | ||
Gary Oldman in Dracula. | ||
Shut your fucking mouth. | ||
It's not even close, man. | ||
Get out of here, man. | ||
unidentified
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Oh, shit. | |
One of the greatest performances in human history. | ||
Fantastic. | ||
He's playing a silly thing. | ||
He's playing a vampire, and yet it's awesome. | ||
unidentified
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It's awesome. | |
He's a one-shot wonder. | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
He's a one-shot woman. | ||
Who was the Christian Slater movie, the Quentin Furtito Family? | ||
True Romance? | ||
unidentified
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True Romance. | |
Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
Barry Oldman. | ||
He's sick. | ||
What do you mean you give me that one? | ||
Meryl Streep is in the Bridges of Madison County, you fuck. | ||
How dare you? | ||
So beautiful. | ||
Yeah, and Balrick. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
unidentified
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It's a relationship that they can't really get together. | |
They love each other for your talking about me. | ||
Chris Maguire, my friend, is a hilarious comedian, has a great bit about that. | ||
He's back in the days where they used to rent it. | ||
And he goes, you know, you're picking the movies out with your girl. | ||
Oh, how about Bridges in Madison County? | ||
He goes, oh, okay. | ||
Eastward's in it. | ||
Clint's in it. | ||
Clint would never fuck me. | ||
And he goes, I'm watching the movie. | ||
He goes, 10 minutes into it, he goes, hey, Clint doesn't have a gun. | ||
unidentified
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I did. | |
Exactly what I did. | ||
unidentified
|
He goes, 20 minutes later, Clint's crying. | |
And he goes, oh, Clint, you fucked me. | ||
unidentified
|
He goes, he's crying because he doesn't have a gun. | |
So funny. | ||
The fucking great bit, man. | ||
That's a great bit. | ||
That's totally true. | ||
Who was that guy? | ||
Chris Maguire. | ||
You know who else? | ||
He's going to do the podcast soon. | ||
I got a question. | ||
You know I fucking love, though, Danielle Day-Lewis. | ||
Oh, he's another one. | ||
He's another one. | ||
Meryl Streep can't suck his balls. | ||
Don't touch Meryl Streep. | ||
She is in a hole. | ||
unidentified
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You're out of another. | |
Oh, you're out of your mind. | ||
I drink your milkshake. | ||
Did you see how he played the boxer? | ||
Did you see that movie where he played that oxygen? | ||
He was really boxer? | ||
unidentified
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Fuck. | |
Yeah, he was. | ||
unidentified
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He was in there for a whole year. | |
That's all he did every day is box. | ||
He was the only guy ever to look like a real boxer. | ||
If you watch like Marky Mark in that fighter movie, he looks like a guy who's never been punched in the face. | ||
He looks like a guy, or maybe he got punched in the face a few decades ago and forgot what it's like. | ||
Because every time he's throwing a punch, no one's coming at him. | ||
No one's coming back with counters. | ||
He's throwing punches and there's like this lazy mentality to it. | ||
It's not like a guy. | ||
If you watch Dickie Eklund, go back and watch Mickey Ward's brother Dickie Eklund. | ||
When that guy used to fight, he was a crazy dude. | ||
He did a lot of crack. | ||
He had a lot of problems. | ||
But his fucking guard was high and tight. | ||
And he threw a right hand, his left hand was here. | ||
If he threw a left hand, his right hand was here. | ||
He was a guy who'd been punched in the face before. | ||
He was a real fucking boxer. | ||
And that's the difference. | ||
When you watch a lot of actors, they're throwing punches, they look like a guy who's never been punched in the face. | ||
That guy didn't. | ||
Daniel Day-Lewis looked like a real fucking boxer. | ||
Looked like a real fucking boxer. | ||
He boxed. | ||
He got in the ring and actually. | ||
Sylvester Stallone looks like the farthest possible thing from a real boxer in Rocky. | ||
It doesn't even look remotely like a real boxer. | ||
I know. | ||
I think it's a metaphor. | ||
I think the entire fight was a metaphor. | ||
I never took it literally. | ||
You were on California last week. | ||
I was on California last week. | ||
I was in the first episode. | ||
I didn't watch it. | ||
I was on the first episode. | ||
I didn't watch it. | ||
I will brook no opposition to Merle Streep. | ||
She is a mess of concussions, man. | ||
I'm telling you. | ||
If you had three less concussions, you did a lot of estrogen. | ||
What am I saying? | ||
A lot of estrogen running through his body. | ||
You did a lot of edamame. | ||
Daddy. | ||
Dude, dude. | ||
What was California like? | ||
I had a great time. | ||
Did you work with David Dakota? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I torture him. | ||
I'm a cop. | ||
I'm a dick to him the whole time. | ||
But knowing him and knowing what a freak he is, did you start talking to me about Pussy? | ||
Well, I don't want to say anything out of turn, but we did have a talk about it. | ||
And we did. | ||
And he's a really good guy, really funny guy, and he was really cool. | ||
And he never gets beyond this. | ||
He's always, you know, talks about this side. | ||
He's like, man, I don't know. | ||
Yeah, it was great on the X-Files. | ||
Everything else. | ||
I love California. | ||
Give him a fucking shot of California. | ||
I haven't seen this. | ||
I love the show, but I like the guy. | ||
He's no Meryl Streep. | ||
Him? | ||
Oh, by the way, you know who I got along with really well? | ||
Reza, the guy from Wu-Tang Clan? | ||
He's a fucking great guy. | ||
Oh, yeah? | ||
Oh, dude, he's a great. | ||
We were laughing. | ||
He's just a great guy. | ||
You know, he's like a bad, he's like a rapper, Wu-Tang, you know. | ||
He's the fucking, he's the nicest guy. | ||
He loves it. | ||
He loves to laugh and just talk and telling me great fucking stories about how he went to Africa and they tried to rip him off. | ||
He had these fucking story after story, man. | ||
I go to him. | ||
You have kids? | ||
He goes, he goes, storytelling. | ||
He goes, you have kids? | ||
He goes, I got, I got. | ||
And he just, he fans his fingers out like across a horizon. | ||
He goes, he goes, man, I lived that lifestyle. | ||
I was hip-hop. | ||
Like, he has too many kids. | ||
He couldn't put his finger out. | ||
He could sweat enough. | ||
You have kids. | ||
He goes, as someone who really loves being around their kids, that would depress the shit out of me. | ||
If I had a bunch of kids that I wasn't, I don't know what his situation is, but I know there's a lot of dudes hard, man. | ||
He grew up with that aren't raising their kids. | ||
That would drive me crazy, man. | ||
If there was a bunch of human beings that I gave birth to or was responsible for their creation on this planet and I never got to see them and they were just like existing. | ||
He does because he was talking about his kids in a very, very like family. | ||
He's there for his kids. | ||
I'm sure. | ||
Well, you know, what was that one basketball player who's famous? | ||
He had 24 babies. | ||
Oh, Sean Kemp. | ||
Sean Kemp. | ||
How many babies did he have? | ||
He had nine kids from nine different women. | ||
How about that, right? | ||
Do you have any scenes with Natasha, David DeCovani's wife or ex-wife or whatever you have? | ||
No, no, but there is a Tia Leone's on that show? | ||
No, let me say that. | ||
There's an African-American woman. | ||
Oh, it's fake. | ||
Yeah, it's fake husband. | ||
There is an African-American woman at that table raid, who's on that show, who is truly like one of the best-looking women I've ever seen. | ||
unidentified
|
Megan Good? | |
Yeah. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
She's so amazing. | ||
Bro, I kept looking at her. | ||
I was like, you're the best-looking thing. | ||
I was going to do something inappropriate, like flip out. | ||
I was like, what the fuck is this? | ||
How the fuck are you that good looking? | ||
She's so pretty. | ||
She's so ridiculously pretty. | ||
I was like, like sultry, like a creature. | ||
Like, she's like black, white. | ||
She's probably got like 15 different nationalities. | ||
I was like, what the fuck is this? | ||
Like Rosario Dawson type. | ||
Better. | ||
unidentified
|
Better. | |
Wait a minute. | ||
What's this chick's name? | ||
What's her name? | ||
What's her name? | ||
Megan Good. | ||
And she's in the new Dungeons and Dragons movie, so she's going to become like a black Megan Fox then. | ||
So buy your stock on her. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
I'm looking at her right now. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
Oh, she's so ridiculous. | ||
Not even exaggerating. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
But she's not as hot as Rodario Dawson. | ||
I'm sorry. | ||
She is. | ||
She's hot. | ||
I've seen both in person plenty of times. | ||
She's pretty hot. | ||
unidentified
|
But whatever. | |
She kills her. | ||
She's hot, but you're exaggerating. | ||
No, you're out of here. | ||
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
Let me see if those pictures do her, Justin. | ||
Hold on. | ||
She's got kind of a weird chin. | ||
Hold on. | ||
Probably can't take a punch. | ||
unidentified
|
Hold on, hold on. | |
Hold on. | ||
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
You probably can't take a punch. | ||
Look at her. | ||
unidentified
|
Look at her. | |
She's beautiful. | ||
She's beautiful. | ||
But Rosario Dawson's hotter. | ||
Sorry. | ||
I worked with Rosario. | ||
She's gorgeous. | ||
Yeah, I did too. | ||
I did Zookeeper with her. | ||
She's beautiful. | ||
She is beautiful. | ||
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
Yeah. | ||
And cool. | ||
And she's no Meryl Streep. | ||
Now, here, look at this. | ||
Come on, Brian. | ||
Shut the fuck up, dude. | ||
You're a silly man. | ||
That's why people have a hard time taking you seriously. | ||
Look at these two back-to-back. | ||
Rosario Dawson's about 10 times hot. | ||
Oh, a million times better. | ||
She's ridiculously hot, Brian. | ||
You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
Your judgment sucks. | ||
You're fucking wrong. | ||
How dare you? | ||
Can we talk more about share now? | ||
Listen, buddy, you've got your own podcast to worry about now. | ||
And it's the Brian Cowan show, and it's available on desktop. | ||
And you can get it free on iTunes, and it's amazing. | ||
And usually it's not like today where everybody's just talking over each other, but we took a chance today with a lot of people in a room. | ||
When you get four people in a room, shit gets crazy. | ||
Rosario Dawson, by the way, one of the hottest humans. | ||
One of the hottest chicks ever. | ||
Get her on the podcast so I can kiss her. | ||
She's awesome. | ||
She would totally do it, too. | ||
She's super cool. | ||
kiss me. | ||
She's really like But I think she's free. | ||
I think she's single. | ||
But I don't think she's into man boys, so you're fucked. | ||
unidentified
|
I could act tough. | |
I got a gun. | ||
I don't think she's into that either. | ||
I just don't think it's you. | ||
I can act up like the guy from Drive, which is just don't talk. | ||
Yeah, just go. | ||
You want a toothpick? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Who gives a toothpick to a little kid? | ||
Come on. | ||
Who choose on toothpicks? | ||
The dude in Drive. | ||
It was a choice by some director who doesn't know anybody cool. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It was like a music video. | ||
Yeah, a little bit. | ||
Hipster music video. | ||
Yeah, it was like a long music video. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But that was the other thing. | ||
The songs were terrible. | ||
A real human being. | ||
Like, what was that song? | ||
First song. | ||
That's the only song. | ||
The song in the movie Drive. | ||
Oh, fuck. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, it was awful. | |
It was a letdown. | ||
I can't wait to see this movie now. | ||
And by the way, I'm sorry. | ||
I got to go bad on another movie. | ||
I'm sorry. | ||
I saw it. | ||
Come over here and look at Rosario Dawson and then shut the girlfriend. | ||
I've seen her. | ||
I live in the same name. | ||
unidentified
|
Come in. | |
Come here. | ||
Come here. | ||
We live on the same street. | ||
Come in. | ||
Really? | ||
Come here. | ||
We live on our street. | ||
Shut the fuck up. | ||
Don't tell people where Rosario Dawson lives. | ||
See that? | ||
Do you see that? | ||
She's gorgeous. | ||
Okay. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You ready? | ||
Now look at that. | ||
No fucking comparison. | ||
Go sit down, bitch. | ||
Go sit down. | ||
Go sit down. | ||
You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
My girlfriend. | ||
Don't ever talk to me. | ||
Don't ever talk to me about Margaret again. | ||
Don't ever talk to me about my girlfriend. | ||
She's beautiful. | ||
Don't get me wrong. | ||
Don't get me wrong. | ||
She's beautiful. | ||
She's a 10. | ||
Rosario DeSawson is a 10.1. | ||
It's another level. | ||
You're getting her 0.1. | ||
Yeah, she's a ridiculous 10. | ||
She's a 10 where you look at it and just go, wow, does that even happen? | ||
Yeah, she's gorgeous. | ||
The other girl's a 10. | ||
Don't get me wrong. | ||
I mean, she comes see me, she heard the podcast, she gets pissed at me. | ||
Baby, you're beautiful. | ||
You hear something weird for me as I get older, as I get older? | ||
Like, I used to not always, I've dated a couple black girls when I was younger, but I was never as attracted. | ||
Now, now as I'm older, I just find them, I get more and more attractive. | ||
It's the Robert De Niro effect. | ||
I don't know what it is. | ||
I love them. | ||
A lot of dudes are so gorgeous. | ||
Bill Mar. | ||
They get older. | ||
They just only bang black chips. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
You should change what you're into. | ||
I love them. | ||
I love them. | ||
Plus, you recognize. | ||
Filipino girls, black girls. | ||
Oh, talk to them. | ||
And Latin girls. | ||
Oh, God. | ||
And then white girls look like they need naps. | ||
That's exactly right. | ||
I think maybe it's I want to diversify my jeans or something. | ||
That's exactly what it is. | ||
Seriously, like, I want some black jeans and some. | ||
I have a friend who has a girlfriend who is completely blonde, and she has blonde eyelashes, and it creeps me the fuck out. | ||
And she always wears fake eyelashes, and she puts mascara on a fake eyelashes to hold down and changes the way her face looks. | ||
But I came over the house once, and she had nothing on, and I was like, it's like my jeans, my jeans made me go, who is this? | ||
Like, this is not, I'm not getting the same reaction from this person. | ||
There was a reaction that I got from the girl with the dark eyes that was like, wow, she's so pretty. | ||
She's so nice. | ||
But this one is like, ooh, what's going on with you? | ||
Caterpillar. | ||
What happened? | ||
Bad jeans. | ||
Same thing happened to me. | ||
You were dating a girl. | ||
I met a girl who's so fucking hot. | ||
She had the craziest ass. | ||
And she had these dark eyes. | ||
And I realized, oh, that's mascara. | ||
And she had blonde eyebrows. | ||
And I went, I mean, blonde eyelashes. | ||
And it just killed it. | ||
I don't know what happened. | ||
She didn't even look close to us. | ||
unidentified
|
Pretty. | |
It's weird. | ||
I was like, oh, I'm not attracted anymore. | ||
That's weird. | ||
Instantly. | ||
unidentified
|
It was way too crazy. | |
It kills the effect. | ||
It kills the effect. | ||
Her tits were so nice, they looked fake and they were real. | ||
I remember, I'll never forget this girl. | ||
I think her name is Cheryl in New York. | ||
I had sex with her like, you know how a cowboy crosses the desert and jumps into a trough of water after he hasn't had water for three days? | ||
That's what I would do to her pussy. | ||
But only when she had her dark eyelashes. | ||
Then all of a sudden I see her. | ||
I saw her walking down the street with no makeup and I went, huh? | ||
That's so hot. | ||
But here's the thing with me. | ||
When a dark-haired girl with dark eyelashes and dark, I like them better with no makeup. | ||
I really like that. | ||
So do I. So do I. I have to tell my wife to not wear makeup. | ||
I tell her. | ||
Oh my gosh. | ||
I don't want you wearing that shit. | ||
Don't wear anything. | ||
I never like makeup. | ||
Don't wear nothing. | ||
You're hot as fuck. | ||
But they look at people in magazines and things and think, and I had to break this down to her. | ||
I go, listen, this is not hotter. | ||
It's just different. | ||
This is not hotter. | ||
But you think it's hotter because it's in magazines. | ||
She wants to preen. | ||
She instinctive preen. | ||
Well, if you ever dated a girl that wanted to be too skinny, which drives me fucking crazy. | ||
I don't like skinny. | ||
Me neither. | ||
I like girls that are, I like a little softness. | ||
I like a little fat. | ||
Round. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
But an athletic, but more to it. | ||
Athletic, but more than less. | ||
I like a girl that's like five pounds overweight. | ||
Maybe ten. | ||
No problem. | ||
Yeah, no problem. | ||
Well at all. | ||
Especially if they have a small, small, as long as they have a small waist and it goes in the ass. | ||
Oh, God. | ||
Oh, come on. | ||
No kind of chips. | ||
Fixed thighs. | ||
When you're touching them, they're soft. | ||
Fantastic. | ||
It feels good. | ||
You and I have the same. | ||
We've always had it. | ||
Yeah, we've always had it. | ||
Actually, you and I, too. | ||
Men! | ||
The only ones who don't are the ones making these crazy dresses and having these skinny bitches walking. | ||
Because they're attracted to coat hangers. | ||
They're attracted to the boys. | ||
Fucking coat hangers, boys. | ||
They're attracted to the boys. | ||
They don't want it to be a woman. | ||
They're designing dresses for freaks. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So you got this like long, bony chick when I'm like, dude, I like. | ||
Someone tried to tell me, like, supermodels, man. | ||
So you date the supermodel. | ||
That's the last thing you want to date. | ||
That's exactly right. | ||
I want the 5'3 ⁇ , power-packed freak Latina. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
Latina chick who can't get enough dicks. | ||
I was in Miami. | ||
I was like, what the fuck is this? | ||
I can't take it. | ||
I can't take it. | ||
unidentified
|
It's bad. | |
Those Cubans, that jeans, the Cuban jeans are amazing. | ||
And by the way, Filipino girls, when they're pretty, we got to wrap this up or otherwise it's going to blow up. | ||
Let me just say one. | ||
One minute. | ||
Can I just say that I'll be at the Punchline in San Francisco February 22nd to the 26th? | ||
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
Shellock, Lak. | ||
Have you done that club? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Love that club. | ||
That club's amazing. | ||
Punchline in San Francisco is beautiful. | ||
I've never done that. | ||
I'm pumped. | ||
It's amazing. | ||
And by the way, with your podcast now, it'll fucking sell out. | ||
Dude, it's been crazy. | ||
Thank you, Joe Roger. | ||
What is the date of that? | ||
February 22nd. | ||
Folks, jump on that. | ||
Jump on that shit right now. | ||
Go to the Punchline's website, Google it, find it, because it will sell out. | ||
I guarantee you. | ||
That room is not that many people, and you're going to sell out everywhere now. | ||
I sold out in Canada. | ||
It was crazy. | ||
Yeah, you're going to sell out everywhere. | ||
You're going to sell out everywhere. | ||
Thanks to Joe Rogue. | ||
Thanks to Joe Rogers. | ||
I fancy you. | ||
No, listen, man. | ||
Nobody's going to go to a Hamilton Morris lecture after he came on our podcast. | ||
Unfortunately, he's a great guy. | ||
He's a great. | ||
We got him too hot. | ||
We got him too hot. | ||
We all got too hot. | ||
We had this psychedelic guy on. | ||
I really enjoy him. | ||
I enjoy his internet stuff. | ||
But we went way too deep. | ||
unidentified
|
Way too deep. | |
Way too deep. | ||
We had this super cripple weed, too. | ||
It wasn't like the usual stuff that I smoked. | ||
It was indica as opposed to sativa. | ||
So it was couch weed, and we went nine hits deep. | ||
How do you function, dude? | ||
Good question. | ||
But this stuff, the onion barely got high. | ||
Giant bongfuls and barely. | ||
Barely. | ||
Tolerance. | ||
I barely got high. | ||
Everybody who came to the House of Blues this weekend, thank you very much. | ||
That was a fucking amazing crowd. | ||
I had a great time. | ||
And even the fuck, we had, Joey and I had a little bit of apprehension because there was a lot of standing. | ||
We always do the Mandalay Bay Theater, which is about 1800, but unfortunately, they're redoing it for some Michael Jackson show, so we had to do the House of Blues. | ||
So in order to accommodate all the people, we had to have a lot of people standing, and people were cool as fuck. | ||
And I was really impressed by that because we've done it before, and there were a lot of heckling, a lot of talking. | ||
We said, fuck all these standing shows. | ||
We'll never do it again. | ||
But even though I'm sure it was uncomfortable for some of you people, it was still a great, great fucking show. | ||
The crowd was insane. | ||
And a lot of that is because of the podcast. | ||
It's a different, I have different audiences everywhere now. | ||
It's amazing. | ||
It's a completely different audience than I had two years ago. | ||
Do you feel a lot of pressure? | ||
That's funny because what happens when you have that kind of a following is you have to keep coming up with material. | ||
Like a lot of guys will ride the same material for 10 years. | ||
Well, that's why we were talking about your friend earlier that may be a thief. | ||
You got to write. | ||
You got to sit in front of your goddamn computer and write. | ||
And I do it every fucking day. | ||
There's one thing I do every day if I'm not injured. | ||
I work out, okay, because I don't want to be crazy. | ||
I beat off because I don't want to make mistakes. | ||
And I write. | ||
Those are three things that I do. | ||
Location, location, location. | ||
Keep the monkey in the cage. | ||
Keep the monkey in the cage and keep the car on the track. | ||
You got to do it. | ||
You got to do it. | ||
You are just as intense as when we first met years ago, but there's a, it's a weird dichotomy. | ||
You're just as intense, but you're also a very sensitive guy. | ||
I've always been very sensitive. | ||
I cry easy. | ||
I'm very, very emotional. | ||
But those emotionals, it's like energy. | ||
Yes. | ||
Yeah, well, people look at energy and they look at, you know, I cry in movie theaters all the time, man. | ||
I'm always crying. | ||
I cry. | ||
A good commercial make me cry. | ||
So do I. But that's also that's how my emotion can come out of me and I can fucking explode in some crazy fucking burst of energy. | ||
It's of a rare fluctuation. | ||
It's exactly. | ||
It's my girlfriend's Sicilian. | ||
I've seen it. | ||
You got to learn how to control it. | ||
It's a nation of savages. | ||
You know, you heard the story from True Romance about the Moors. | ||
It's all true. | ||
But apart from that, what else is left? | ||
The goddamn Romans. | ||
That's the rest of the Italian genes. | ||
Jesus, it's fucking savages. | ||
Constant wars. | ||
It's like pit bulls. | ||
I've had pit bulls, so have you. | ||
You know what that's like. | ||
It's genetics. | ||
It's the savagery. | ||
You got to control it. | ||
You got to control it. | ||
You got to control the biology. | ||
Keep it together. | ||
Keep it together, bitches. | ||
This Thursday, we got Jason Sowa, who's a very, very interesting dude. | ||
And this should be a really fucking fascinating podcast because he's got a bunch of cool shit online, a bunch of different videos online. | ||
And one of them is how drugs created the internet. | ||
There was a TED video. | ||
I think it was a TED video. | ||
A bunch of really fucking fascinating videos. | ||
But someone sent it to me. | ||
And my friend, I'll give the guy's name, Brian Hofstein. | ||
Thanks, Brian. | ||
I'm for hooking this up. | ||
Some guy on Twitter. | ||
And I watched this guy's video, and I was like, holy shit, this guy's perfect. | ||
So he's going to be on Thursday. | ||
I'm super excited about that. | ||
So that's it for this week. | ||
Otherwise, I got a lot of other things I got going on. | ||
Oh, the next date I got coming up, March 2nd and 3rd and 4th at the Bre Improv. | ||
I don't know if the tickets are available yet, but it'll be the usual suspects. | ||
And when are we doing the Ice House gang? | ||
Definitely doing it Friday. | ||
This week. | ||
But we might have a second show. | ||
We might add. | ||
Yeah, who's on the other room? | ||
We'll figure it out. | ||
Yeah, we'll figure it out. | ||
But this Friday, plan, if you're around. | ||
I think Al Magical is going to stop by Serteana. | ||
unidentified
|
Is he back? | |
I love Al Magical. | ||
Did he move to New York? | ||
Yeah, he's living in New York right now. | ||
He's just back in. | ||
Yeah, he's living both. | ||
unidentified
|
He works for the Daily Show now. | |
Oh, nice. | ||
unidentified
|
He's a reporter. | |
He's got a good idea. | ||
I love that guy. | ||
He's good. | ||
Al Magical is a special guy. | ||
Very good guy. | ||
He's awesome. | ||
All right. | ||
And he also thinks your friend's a thief. | ||
We'll be right back. | ||
Thanks for everything. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Thanks for everything, everybody. | ||
Thanks to the fleshlights for sponsoring. | ||
Go to joerogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter in the code name Rogan, and you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
Watch the Brian Callen show on Death Squad on iTunes. | ||
And please, please, all due respect to all the Japanese people out there. | ||
I didn't mean that we should drop nuclear bombs on it. | ||
He got crazy. | ||
He got a little crazy. | ||
He gets a little fox news on it. | ||
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
I was just talking about 1945 and the government of Japan. | ||
That's all I was talking about. | ||
Not Japanese people. | ||
And they're great people. | ||
His background is a little sketchy. | ||
He gets a little Fox News on folks. | ||
Get a little crazy. | ||
Thanks to Onit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood. | ||
Google New Tropics if you're interested. | ||
That's two O's, New Tropics. | ||
And go to onit.com, enter in the codename Rogan, and you will save 10% off. | ||
Or don't. | ||
I don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
Do whatever you want to do with your life. | ||
You don't want to beat off into a rubber vagina. | ||
That's fine with me. | ||
I just don't want to hear you complain about it on Twitter. | ||
Is that okay? | ||
Keep your negativity to yourself. | ||
If you're thinking about sending me a negative tweet, this is what I want you to do. | ||
Go run around the block, okay? | ||
Go run around the block, then beat off, and then I bet you'll be different. | ||
Get some perspective. | ||
You are not how you behave, okay? | ||
You are not who you've been. | ||
You're not your past history. | ||
You are right now the accumulation of your experiences on this planet and what you've learned. | ||
Act in accordingly. | ||
Don't go by the same fucking patterns. | ||
Prepare your future. | ||
All right, that's it. | ||
I'm inspired, baby. | ||
Well said. | ||
You dirty bitches. | ||
unidentified
|
Jimmy Burke, ladies and gentlemen, pitch in and get this man a fucking cell phone. | |
Get him a computer. |