Feb. 1, 2012 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:13:13
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Oh boy, here we go again. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| Yeah, Eliza. | ||
| No, I mean, it's great. | ||
| It is great. | ||
| It's not, right? | ||
| It's more known than dildos. | ||
| There's no one dildo company that's known as much as The Fleshlight is known, right? | ||
| Isn't it for you to put your wiener in? | ||
| Your wiener, yes. | ||
| But it's not just for fucking. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck it. | ||
| But what's the point of having a light? | ||
| Oh, it's not really a light. | ||
| Oh, it's just a joke. | ||
| But John Heffron had a great joke about it should have a light because no one ever knows where your flashlight is, but everyone always knows where your flashlight is, which is very funny. | ||
| It's really and very smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew, that noise. | |
| For the folks on iTunes, Brian has just pulled the actual flashlight body. | ||
| The fish out of the bucket. | ||
| But even worse, as you pulled it out, Blanche opened her mouth and she has horrible fish breath. | ||
| So the second you did that, I smelled that. | ||
| It was interactive. | ||
| Blanche would be Eliza's dog who's sitting in her lap. | ||
| That's Blanche's dream, I guess. | ||
| A butthole that she can smell any time. | ||
| What? | ||
| I thought it was a vagina. | ||
| No, this one's a butthole. | ||
| That's why Blanche opened her mouth. | ||
| I thought it was just a really tight vagina. | ||
| It's just a really tiny one. | ||
| Well, it essentially is, right? | ||
| I mean, that's what you're asking for. | ||
| Sure, it's the same thing. | ||
| Basically, whatever. | ||
| It's just a hole. | ||
| This is a fake one. | ||
| Does that offend you when you see a fake vagina? | ||
| Why would it offend me? | ||
| Some people get offended. | ||
| Some girls, they don't like the idea of it. | ||
| Well, because you should be fucking me instead? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Some girls, I'm sure, you know needy girls that probably would think like that, right? | ||
| Don't you know some crazy girls? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| So you're saying, like, girls are like, why do you need that when you can have this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's such odd... | ||
| They can get angry. | ||
| Do dudes have... | ||
| Well, I don't want to ask you. | ||
| If your boyfriend had... | ||
| I don't want to ask you if you've ever had a sex toy or if you want to offer up any information. | ||
| Feel free right now. | ||
| Go. | ||
| I will tell you this. | ||
| I don't prescribe to that ideology because I feel that it will set you up for disappointment. | ||
| Like, no man is ever going to be able to move as rapidly as a vibrator. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I just completely abstain from that, and it's fine. | ||
| I've been given, like, I'll do shows, and they'll be like, we're giving out free dildos! | ||
| And it's embarrassing to walk out of there with a bag of dildos! | ||
| And, like, one time for my birthday, a comic came, and he brought, like, a bag of sex toys, and, you know, your parents come to visit. | ||
| Like, you don't want that around. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I just don't. | ||
| Dude, I'm with you. | ||
| I'd rather feel less good. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get that ad. | |
| It looks like a squid. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter the code name ROGAN, and you will get 15% off. | ||
| Joe, you know a tip that we've never thought of? | ||
| You could only have to buy the vagina version of the Fleshlight because the other side does have something that looks like an asshole, at least an asshole enough that... | ||
| Yeah, but it doesn't fit into the thing right. | ||
| You'd have to have a different sort of setup. | ||
| Yeah, like you can make your own probably. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to have some sort of a different base to it. | ||
| How much are they? | ||
| Yeah, what you're saying, essentially, I see what you're saying. | ||
| What you're saying is it doesn't have to be one or the other. | ||
| It should be both. | ||
| Yeah, you should have it on both sides, like a real woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But it would be in a weird... | ||
| It's not the same spot. | ||
| They're like right next to each other. | ||
| It wouldn't really work. | ||
| No, I mean, just make a flashlight that... | ||
| Well, if you're on your side, they're next to each other. | ||
| Yeah, but not like this. | ||
| Just make a flesh light that you can fuck both sides. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It has caps on both sides and just call it like a flesh saber. | |
| Is that like a lightsaber? | ||
| It's difficult this way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I see what you're saying. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| You totally got a good idea. | ||
| What he's saying is it should be two-sided. | ||
| Like the butthole should be one option. | ||
| Sometimes I feel like a nut. | ||
| Sometimes I don't. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| I feel you. | ||
| I feel you on this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I guess that one would cost more then. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| How much more, really? | ||
| Not much more. | ||
| What a superior product you'd be putting out. | ||
| But anyway, the Fleshlight, as it stands, solid product. | ||
| Brian and I give it two thumbs up. | ||
| Or there should be a subscription base. | ||
| You can just have it. | ||
| You get $20 a month. | ||
| You can have any Fleshlight you want. | ||
|
unidentified
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And then when you cancel it, you have to send them all back. | |
| A Fleshlight of the Month Club. | ||
| You would never trust the fact that the one you were getting had not been fucked already. | ||
| Or it's like the shittiest one and they just send it because it's part of a prescription. | ||
| I think it should live up to its name. | ||
| And like a carnival game, the harder you fuck it, the more it lights up so you know you're doing a good job. | ||
| Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. | ||
| We're on such a strong delay. | ||
| I'm looking at the image on the screen. | ||
| Yeah, that's the amazing artwork that somebody sent you. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta get that dude's name. | ||
| It's so amazing that I just want to stare at it all day. | ||
| That's one of those amazing pieces of art that you can sit there and find so many things in. | ||
| Yeah, I have to find out this guy's name. | ||
| He sent it to my manager. | ||
| Just some super cool fan dude. | ||
| Whoever you are. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love what you've done to this studio. | |
| Well, it's my office, man. | ||
| It's not really a studio. | ||
| I just threw up some pictures. | ||
| I needed some life on the walls. | ||
| I had accumulated a bunch of cool pictures, but done nothing with them. | ||
| And then finally, I put them up there. | ||
| This fucking room is like right out of hoarders now, though. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| There are cat feces. | ||
| It's in a litter box, to be fair, but it's one of the components you need. | ||
| That is one of the components you need. | ||
| Yeah, my cat, you know, she doesn't really like to be anywhere else at night than in my office. | ||
| And it's like, my kids are always wandering around. | ||
| The one place my kids don't wander around is in my office. | ||
| So I figure, you know what, I should just keep the litter box in my office. | ||
| It should bite the bullet. | ||
| It's so gross, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not gross. | |
| I'm just smelling cat shit all day. | ||
| Dude, it's gross. | ||
| I gotta get in there and open the top and scoop it out and flush it. | ||
| And my cat waits until I'm there to take the nastiest shits. | ||
| Like, she waits. | ||
| I know she does. | ||
| She feels comfortable with you. | ||
| I'll come home and I'm gonna check my email and I hear, scratch, scratch, scratch. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you little bitch. | ||
| And she just drops a fucking stinker. | ||
| I had something worse happen, Joe. | ||
| My cat recently was sick and had some kind of urinary tract infection, I guess. | ||
| I tried to give it cranberry juice for a while, but it's hard to give cranberry juice to a cat. | ||
| Does that work? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, it has to. | |
| Good news and bad news. | ||
| Urinary tract infection, gone. | ||
|
unidentified
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But it was trying... | |
| Cat, gone. | ||
| It started doing that horrible shit where it just started peeing because it couldn't control itself. | ||
| And it did it in my bed. | ||
| All over my bed. | ||
| And cat pee, if you know anything about cat pee... | ||
| I have a really nice fucking bed and now it just smells like cat pee and I've washed it. | ||
| I've scrubbed it. | ||
| I can't do anything. | ||
| So I'm about to find something that smells worse than cat pee just because I'm so sick of that cat pee smell. | ||
| It's unfortunate, but you've got to get rid of the mattress. | ||
| It's in the mattress. | ||
| It's in the mattress. | ||
| You can get that stuff that they sell at... | ||
| Urine gone. | ||
| Yeah, but it doesn't really work. | ||
| You're in, you're out. | ||
| I mean, it works a little. | ||
| What it does is it's some sort of citrus-based thing. | ||
| It breaks down the smell of cat urine to a certain extent. | ||
| But cat urine is like glitter that's never going to go away. | ||
| You're going to find it for years. | ||
| I don't know if your grandparents were like mine, but grandparents, they start shitting in a certain way where it really fucking smells awful. | ||
| Old people shit is like the worst. | ||
| Because there's so many drugs in it, you think? | ||
| Old people shit? | ||
| Because they have so much medicine? | ||
| They're dying, probably. | ||
| Not that healthy diet, and they're dying. | ||
| And I would go in after my grandfather would take shits, and there would be a smell of air freshener in the air. | ||
| That was the most offensive smell. | ||
| The air freshener cover-up. | ||
| The air freshener cover-up over shit. | ||
| So it's just vanilla shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just such a terrible fucking smell. | |
| Yeah, poop smells awful. | ||
| It's humid. | ||
| It's a humid smell. | ||
| Yeah, it's a humid smell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we're also sponsored by Onnit.com. | |
| Makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood. | ||
| All these things are different nootropics. | ||
| What nootropics are, if you're interested in it, they're essentially vitamins and nutrients for your brain. | ||
| I really believe in them. | ||
| I know they work. | ||
| There's scientific studies that we're going to do right now. | ||
| There's going to be some... | ||
| We already discussed this. | ||
| Was it double-blind placebo? | ||
| Double-blind. | ||
| Whatever it means. | ||
| The most stringent scientific test they can for figuring out whether or not people's performances are improved, whether their moods are improved. | ||
| They're not going to know what they're taking. | ||
| Some people will take a placebo. | ||
| Some people will take a combination of different things. | ||
| Some people will take alpha brain on its own. | ||
| And we'll see what the results are. | ||
| I have been taking nootropics for a long time. | ||
| If you're interested in it, before you buy anything, just Google it. | ||
| Just Google the idea. | ||
| There's a lot of really fascinating papers and different things that have been written on them. | ||
| And there's proof that some of them actually can help people with Alzheimer's. | ||
| They're nutrients for the way your mind functions. | ||
| And couldn't hurt. | ||
|
unidentified
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Well, it could. | |
| That's the problem. | ||
| Yeah, you're not supposed to take 5-HTP if you're on antidepressants. | ||
| Well, those people are ridiculous. | ||
| Antidepressants? | ||
| I'm just totally kidding. | ||
| I thought you were just going to make the best show ever. | ||
| Is there a reason why they decided against the triple blind? | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| I don't think there's such a thing as triple blind. | ||
| There has to be. | ||
| Is two blinds enough, you greedy bitch? | ||
| They should just do it. | ||
| As always, we say, look, I take all the stuff. | ||
| There's Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| It's great for your immune system. | ||
| Somehow or another, it's a mushroom that tricks your body into thinking that it's potentially like a bug, like a cold. | ||
| And so your immune system fires up for a fight that never takes place. | ||
| So it's like an immune system booster. | ||
| And probiotics is something that we don't sell, but that's one of the things that I really recommend. | ||
| If you're a person who really cares about your health, One of the cool things you can do is enhance your health with organisms, live organisms, probiotics, and kombucha tea. | ||
| I'm a big believer in that. | ||
| That stuff is excellent to keep you from getting sick. | ||
| I mean, it really gives me an enhanced feeling of wellness. | ||
| It's like taking in healthy soldiers. | ||
| I also take acidophilus. | ||
| I take that. | ||
| Yeah, get it and get the good stuff. | ||
| Get the stuff that you need to refrigerate. | ||
| That's the real live culture. | ||
| Yeah, I keep the refrigerator. | ||
| It's fucking great for you. | ||
| And kale. | ||
| Yeah, kale. | ||
| I love kale. | ||
| I drink kale shakes every day. | ||
|
unidentified
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Kale's so hot right now. | |
| I eat six pounds of kale this week. | ||
| It's so good for you, man. | ||
| Do you think eating grass would be healthy? | ||
| No, but wheatgrass juice is healthy. | ||
| I love wheatgrass juice. | ||
| Wheatgrass juice is very... | ||
| Chlorophyll is very healthy. | ||
| It tastes like shit, but it's very healthy. | ||
| There's nothing in grass. | ||
|
unidentified
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I love the taste. | |
| Well, there's chlorophyll in grass. | ||
| Chlorophyll? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's chlorophyll in all plants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's a bunch of different types of grasses. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| I don't know what grass specifically. | ||
| Because what if we were... | ||
| Like, designed to only eat grass. | ||
|
unidentified
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You know what I mean? | |
| I'll tell you the truth. | ||
| I thought about this. | ||
| If we were designed to only eat grass, we wouldn't have these pointy teeth. | ||
| Well, maybe that was for digging big things of grass out of the ground. | ||
| Compared to other animals, we have the most bitch-ass teeth ever. | ||
| Our teeth are nothing. | ||
| They're like these little fragile, flat things. | ||
| They're designed to chew mushy food. | ||
| Other animals are designed to actually hold onto things and then eat those things. | ||
| Tear them apart and eat them. | ||
| If you look at a chimp's teeth compared to our teeth... | ||
| They're designed to fuck you up. | ||
| I think about that because I always look at Blanche's mouth, even when she's sleeping. | ||
| I'm upset. | ||
| When you live with an animal... | ||
| I live with a tiny carnivore. | ||
| She'll eat carrots and she's sweet, but genetically she's programmed to find live things and rip their necks in half and eat them. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird, right? | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| Even though she's like your little love bug. | ||
| Anyway, go to honit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T dot com. | ||
| We tried to make. | ||
| You have to get rid of your mattress. | ||
| Yeah, get rid of your mattress, son. | ||
| Can I tell you why you have to get rid of it? | ||
| Don't give it to Brody! | ||
| It's alright, Joe. | ||
| I put two comforters on it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Enjoy it. | |
| In the valley, it all smells. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That was a good grody. | ||
|
unidentified
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Thank you. | |
| That was awesome. | ||
| Here's why you have to get rid of your mattress. | ||
| Let's get rid of this commercial. | ||
| Let's get this commercial. | ||
| Otherwise, we can start this podcast. | ||
| I know this is already going to be good. | ||
|
unidentified
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We haven't started? | |
| No, we haven't even started. | ||
| This is just commercial. | ||
| That was all my good material. | ||
| It's wheatgrass. | ||
| You've got way more. | ||
| Your whole wheatgrass chunk. | ||
| Anyway, for the first 30 pills, whatever you buy, we offer a 100% money-back guarantee. | ||
| It used to be whatever you buy... | ||
| We offered a 100% money-back guarantee, but there were some douchebags that bought a bunch and then tried to sell them all on eBay after they got their money back, which you ruined it. | ||
| That's human nature. | ||
| But we try to make this as easy and as clean as possible. | ||
| 100% money-back guarantee in your first 30 pills. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| If you think it costs too much money, I urge you. | ||
| Go and buy the ingredients. | ||
| Take the directions offline, whatever the ingredients are. | ||
| It's clearly listed on the website. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| And steal it. | ||
| Make your own blend. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| If you're into it, try it. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| And if you want to buy them from us, go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link for AlphaBrain and enter in the code name Rogan and you get 10% off. | ||
| Okay, you dirty freaks. | ||
| Done. | ||
| See, that's the commercial, Eliza. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Now we play music? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Experience. | ||
| And now the show starts. | ||
|
unidentified
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Straight by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | |
| That's the best way for us to do commercials, we've figured out. | ||
| Was I in that commercial? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Dude, you were fucking awesome in it. | ||
| I thought we were... | ||
| That was one of your best pieces. | ||
| I'm going to submit that to the Tonight Show. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's what I said. | |
| You could do that, I bet. | ||
| It's a solid piece. | ||
| Yeah, it was a solid piece. | ||
|
unidentified
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It was a solid piece. | |
| Give it to Russ. | ||
| Liza. | ||
| Eliza Schlesinger, a professional stand-up comedian. | ||
| We all share a camaraderie. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Comics, when you meet someone that's a comic, we all share this kind of weird thing. | ||
| I did the Rosie O'Donnell show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, people are like, why did you want to do the Rosie O'Donnell show? | ||
| And I'd be like, because she's a comic. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, we all share. | ||
| We share something, you know? | ||
| Tell us about that. | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| She was very nice. | ||
| I only got to talk to her for a short period of time. | ||
| We sat down for about an hour. | ||
| And we talked about, she talked a little bit about the government. | ||
| She had a really good point about how people look at the government like it's a benevolent father. | ||
| And I absolutely agree with that. | ||
| I totally agree with that. | ||
| Yeah, and she was, you know, she's like really, she stuck her neck out when she was on that show. | ||
| Like a chicken? | ||
| No, when she was on The View. | ||
| You mean literally? | ||
| Yeah, well she got in trouble in The View. | ||
| I mean, I'm sorry. | ||
| She got in trouble in The View because she was, she was talking about 9-11. | ||
| And she was talking about Tower 7. And if you don't know this, there's three towers fell. | ||
| On September 11th. | ||
| And two of them obviously got hit by planes. | ||
| But one of them... | ||
| Just went down. | ||
| One of them just went down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's crazy conspiracy theories that say that it was a controlled demolition. | ||
| Now, I am the first person to tell you I am no engineer. | ||
| I have no idea how buildings are built or what their tolerances are. | ||
| But if I saw a building like that and I saw it just catch on fire and it had some holes in it and shit, but it just fell like that and fell apart. | ||
| I'd be like, bitch, how'd you build this? | ||
| How the fuck did you build this? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What kind of shitty work is this? | ||
| She's saying it was designed to go down. | ||
| She was saying a lot of people believe it's a controlled demolition. | ||
| I don't think necessarily she is saying that it is or it isn't. | ||
| And I certainly am not. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| You know what I believe more? | ||
| It was a controlled demolition, yes. | ||
| But was it by us? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I mean, I think that's always been the case of the argument. | ||
| They don't think it was done by the terrorists. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They think... | ||
| See, the building... | ||
| No, what if the terrorists... | ||
| Oh, if they did a controlled demolition? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Oh, it wasn't... | ||
| Like if somehow they had terrorists... | ||
| Could be, right? | ||
| Because, I mean, terrorists probably could easily... | ||
| I think that would probably be before hijacking planes and flying them into buildings. | ||
| Before that would be putting a bomb in a building. | ||
| Yeah, see, but it's not that easy. | ||
| See, like, when you see what happened in Oklahoma City, that was multiple bombs, you know, in Oklahoma City. | ||
| They actually, there was all these reports of the FBI removing bombs from the building, like, that didn't explode. | ||
| And if you talk to these guys that are demolition experts, they say, there's no way that was a fertilizer bomb. | ||
| There's no fucking way. | ||
| They said that if you look at the amount of damage that did and look at where the blast radius is from, it blows out. | ||
| It doesn't blow like a... | ||
| They're not designed to... | ||
| You're saying it's this building because we've all seen the loose change where you watch the lights go off around the building. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Floor by one, it's like... | ||
| Yeah, but see, they don't know what that means, though. | ||
| That also could be if the ceiling is coming in and slamming into the floor, all the windows would do that. | ||
| They don't know that that's explosions. | ||
| If it really was collapsing like that... | ||
| See, no one's ever seen a building collapse like that. | ||
| So when they say that those are blips and those are squibs, I don't like that because then I'm saying... | ||
| You're saying you know for sure what that is, and I'm saying the fuck you do. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Someone has to know. | ||
| I'm not saying it was us. | ||
| I'm not saying it was an inside job. | ||
| It just seems odd, ergonomically, that you would design a building that, if impacted at a certain point, the entire thing would demolish. | ||
| Structurally, what purpose does that serve? | ||
| Well, it could just be incompetence. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| If you look at humans, that's our most likely option, right? | ||
| I mean, when did they make the World Trade Center? | ||
| It's a fucking long-ass time ago to get so cocky to build a building that's 100 goddamn stories high. | ||
| And how long did they think that was going to be? | ||
| Stay up there for. | ||
| What if it started falling apart and rotting? | ||
| What if it was just a wonky piece of shit by the time it got hit by those planes? | ||
| Yeah, that's totally true. | ||
| Yeah, that fucking thing was old as shit. | ||
| That thing was around during the Jessica Lange King Kong movie. | ||
| It could have retrofitted it. | ||
| Yeah, but what's retrofitting? | ||
| Retrofitting 100 goddamn floors? | ||
| And the cheapest bidder, you know, to do that? | ||
| How many floors was it? | ||
| I was retrofitting it with bombs. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Well, that's the crazy idea. | ||
| What we're saying about Building 7 or the other building, the terrorists could have done it. | ||
| I mean, I guess they could have, but how the fuck are they going to get in there and put all those explosives in? | ||
| One dynamite up a time. | ||
| Those red sticks of dynamite, one up a time, up your ass. | ||
| You're working the fucking thing five years. | ||
|
unidentified
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Every day, you're fucking putting it into this closet. | |
| That's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
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And back then they didn't have security. | |
| You're walking down the hallway and you just smell shit. | ||
| You're like, open this door. | ||
| What's in this? | ||
| It just smells like shit. | ||
| And it says, shitty dynamite sticks. | ||
| It's like a fucking log house built with shit and dynamite sticks. | ||
| And little hairs. | ||
| A cat pee mattress. | ||
| Well, the idea was that somebody had to do something in Oklahoma City. | ||
| And that's what she said on The View. | ||
| Well, what she said on The View was it was the only building in history that collapsed skyscrapers that wasn't hit by a plane. | ||
| It wasn't a fire plane. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Tower 7 wasn't. | ||
| And it was the only building in history, a skyscraper of its kind, that fell from a fire. | ||
| And she's right. | ||
| I don't know if it means anything, though. | ||
| It could be incompetence. | ||
| It could be just some crazy coincidence that it actually did fall apart, like, A controlled demolition, even though it wasn't a controlled demolition. | ||
| It could be. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think there's so much chaos involved in any sort of catastrophic situation like that. | ||
| And all these reports, we heard explosions in the building. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you really remember what you saw, for sure? | ||
| How much nuttiness, you know what I mean? | ||
| There's a lot of nuttiness going on right after something like that happens. | ||
| You might want to remember something from before. | ||
| You must be so jolted from that sort of a situation that after it's over, I would imagine there would be several people that would have distorted perceptions. | ||
| I do not believe that everyone can handle truly traumatic incidents. | ||
| I'm not claiming that I can more than other people, but I don't think most people can handle really crazy shit going down. | ||
| You can't trust a few people's Memories. | ||
| You've got to take it into consideration, but you can't totally trust it. | ||
| I think, you know, the amount of trauma that contributes to a confabulation about whether you saw something or not, I mean, you can take those reports all day, and I think there's that mob mentality, like, I heard sounds, oh, so did I. But what creeps me out, what always wears American people out, and this is how you get minor conspiracy theorists, I'm not even sure if I am one, is Is when there is no explanation by your all-powerful government. | ||
| And that's what leads people to think, oh, the government was in on it. | ||
| Because you're like, you're supposed to be the American government and you don't have an idea how this happened? | ||
| That's when people start to feel unsafe and get nervous. | ||
| Like with Osama Bin Laden, you didn't take any pictures? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not one photo? | ||
| I believe they caught him. | ||
| It's just odd when there's no answers. | ||
| They're like, we're not sure. | ||
| JFK, that's a weird thing. | ||
| You're like, how do you not have an answer? | ||
| I've talked to military people, just straight up military people about the Osama bin Laden thing, and every one of them has said that guy was dead for years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| I'm not off. | ||
| Every one of them has said it. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| Dude, I've talked to a couple people that were skeptical. | ||
| I bet that. | ||
| Where you would value their opinion, you know? | ||
| I bet they fucking tortured him for like years. | ||
| I'm talking right wing dudes, man. | ||
| Right wing, straight laced. | ||
| That want the war. | ||
| Military guys. | ||
| Rambos. | ||
| Yeah, and they're like, that guy's been dead for years. | ||
| I bet his own people, I mean, I don't think they're skilled. | ||
| I think just because you put a couple bombs somewhere, these are not, you know, they're not using like biophysics to kill anyone. | ||
| So I think his own, probably friendly fire. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Probably blew himself up on fucking accidents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| They might have just fucking crashed one of their helicopters and this was their crazy cover story. | ||
| They might have fucked up, crashed one of their helicopters and goes, listen, boys, you see lemons, I see lemonade. | ||
| Here's our story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We crashed the helicopter because we killed Osama Bin Laden! | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We lost a billion dollar helicopter. | ||
| Whatever, whatever. | ||
| We're going to blow that up. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Brave soldiers survived that crash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we got him. | |
| We got him. | ||
| We got him when we dumped him at sea. | ||
| We dumped him at sea because we don't want to make him a martyr. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Are you telling everybody you shot him? | ||
| In visual form, it's not the same as you fucking admitting it with your mouth. | ||
| The president getting on TV with his fucking mouth and admitting it. | ||
| His mouth. | ||
| Seriously, he's looking at the camera and he's saying it. | ||
| We killed Osama Belong. | ||
| That doesn't make him a martyr. | ||
| There has to be a visual representation of it. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I would have liked to have seen footage, like his face. | ||
| Well, yeah, for us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But not for them. | ||
| Them saying their excuse that they don't want him to be a martyr. | ||
| Then why the fuck are you admitting you killed him on TV? No, no, no. | ||
| That wasn't a martyr. | ||
| The reason they didn't bury him or do anything, they didn't want there to be a site that people could go to. | ||
| But the reason why they didn't show any photos is because they didn't want him to be a martyr as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think that's because they don't have any photos. | ||
| There's no photos of that guy. | ||
| How epic would it have been if Barack Obama, he's like, we've captured and killed Osama Bin Laden, but before we did, our GIs each had a turn fucking him in the mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we have that on camera. | |
| And thanks to FlipCam, we have it all on our YouTube page. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why do you want to fuck some crazy old terrorist in the mouth? | ||
| Just dip in real quick. | ||
| Your penis is very soft. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dangerous. | |
| I thought guys liked to do that kind of stuff. | ||
| It was so disturbing seeing that other guy get captured and dragged through the streets and fucked in the ass with a knife. | ||
| Yeah, Americans don't like to see stuff. | ||
| That was so fucked up. | ||
| Apparently it was a stick. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| It was a stick, apparently. | ||
| Oh, it was? | ||
| Americans don't have an appetite for that kind of stuff. | ||
| If there were a picture, we wouldn't have shown it. | ||
| We don't show graphic things like that. | ||
| And our people don't like to see that. | ||
| We don't like to see death. | ||
| We like people to die. | ||
| Yeah, we want to completely leave it in the dark. | ||
| I don't want to see it ever again. | ||
| The real problem is you get access to something really shocking that's not really happening. | ||
| So in watching anybody get murdered, watching anybody get fucked up, you have access to something life-changing, but you're not really there. | ||
| That's weird when you can just access that all the time, because then you're getting influenced by it far more than you would in a normal life where you actually survived. | ||
| It also desensitizes. | ||
| As a country, we're desensitized to war. | ||
| We have all of our video games, all of our media, all this stuff. | ||
| We're like, war. | ||
| Very few of us have actually, we'll call it upper middle class, have actually been made privy to anything tangentially related to war. | ||
| And so it's very easy for us to be like, yeah, we'll just send some troops. | ||
| I'm like, you know, I've been to Israel just on vacation and it's so fucking hot I couldn't stand it. | ||
| So just imagine being over there like with all, like, we have no frame of reference. | ||
| Because we're so desensitized. | ||
| Yeah, we're detached from it. | ||
| It's not a part of our daily lives unless you have friends and loved ones over there. | ||
| I watched something on TV where they were talking about the amount of money that it costs to air-condition the tents in Afghanistan. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| So much. | ||
| In Iraq, it's some insane amount. | ||
| It's like billions of dollars. | ||
| Two donkeys and a woman. | ||
| It's so crazy to keep the AC on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We don't even think about it. | ||
| The whole thing is nuts. | ||
| It's fucking nuts. | ||
| It's nuts that they talk people into it. | ||
| It's nuts that it's still going on, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, let's just send troops over. | |
| We're living in a G.I. Joe movie. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| People don't even think about it. | ||
| I get goosebumps thinking about it at all. | ||
| I don't know why it resonates so deeply with me to think about our troops over there. | ||
| Because you're smart. | ||
| I love my country so much that I just love my country and anything having to do with that. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| It's all standing up. | ||
| Dude, you should be in a patriotic commercial. | ||
| Do you drive a Chevy truck? | ||
| I had a blazer. | ||
| Everyone thought I was a lesbian for the longest time. | ||
| I had a Chevy blazer for 10 years. | ||
| I drove it out here. | ||
| Look, I think the idea of what America is supposed to be is awesome. | ||
| I think there's a lot of fucking creative people here. | ||
| A lot of cool people come from America, for sure. | ||
| But there's also a lot of cunts. | ||
| That represents America as well, unfortunately. | ||
| The shit that we're doing around the world is just creepy as fuck. | ||
| But, we also do, I agree. | ||
| We also keep things in line. | ||
| We do. | ||
| It's better for us to be on top than some fucking wacky countries, right? | ||
| And we're the only ones, we'll take your land, we'll give it back. | ||
| We'll say sorry, we'll make reparations. | ||
| No, we do! | ||
| We're the only ones with a real conscience about it. | ||
| Where do we give your land back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Indians? | |
| We give land back to who? | ||
| American Indians? | ||
| Yeah, give them some. | ||
| We give them the shittiest spots where there's no deer. | ||
| Like Vegas. | ||
| And we go, yeah, you want to open a casino? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead. | |
| Whatever you want to do. | ||
| They don't need deer anymore. | ||
| They have 7-Elevens. | ||
| Well, that's a different Indian. | ||
| No, I'm saying like they have convenience. | ||
| They can go eat at like a restaurant. | ||
| You don't need deer. | ||
| I don't need that. | ||
| Well, I mean, people always go, like, what we did to the Indians. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, man. | ||
| I wasn't. | ||
| Yeah, we weren't here. | ||
| So at what point in time does the current living humans, you know, I know they benefited from the shitty work of the past. | ||
| I just trust Indians more, you know? | ||
| You trust them more? | ||
| Yeah, they seem more like down to what I would like to hang out with, like Indians or pirate guys. | ||
| Unless they get drunk. | ||
| Yeah, Indians and pirates. | ||
| Yeah, Indians. | ||
| It's like Indians, pirates, fairies. | ||
| Have you seen the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus, please. | |
| Ryan, you're so silly. | ||
| Have you seen the Western Sky commercials? | ||
| It's like one of those things where it gives you money before your payday. | ||
| Western Sky? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It's like a... | ||
| It's like a check cashing thing? | ||
| For four people, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And it's got this Indian drum. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| And this girl that looks like an Indian, like Native American Gina Gershon with a braid, so you know she's Native. | ||
| She's like, Western Sky will get you off the payday track. | ||
| Get off the payday trail, Western... | ||
| And it's so fucking intimidating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And she's like, sure, it's expensive, but it's worth it. | ||
| And I'm like, this is the representative for your people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Some fucking creepy, sexy Indian? | ||
| It's expensive? | ||
| She says that. | ||
| So what, they take like a certain percentage of your check in order to cash it early? | ||
| Of your soul. | ||
| That's like they're into that. | ||
| I don't know what they, I don't know. | ||
| There's actually been some talk that they're going to release the photos of Osama Bin Laden. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and it's so awesome because I'm thinking, how long did it take to make Avatar? | ||
| Okay, this is about the same time. | ||
| They've probably got some better technology that Pixar probably has. | ||
| We have this whole VIP section that we don't talk about. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Could you imagine if one day there's cameras that don't just capture a 2D version of what you're seeing, but somehow or another they figure out some sort of a camera that can actually capture three-dimensional video that you can walk around inside? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It'll create holograms, like really potent holograms. | ||
| So you could actually be there, standing right there, next to the troops why they killed Osama bin Laden and press play. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's entirely within the realm of possibility. | ||
| If we can create what we can create right now, I know it's way more complex, but what we're doing right now is already impossible to us. | ||
| I don't see any reason why they can't come up with some really intense, high-definition hologram-type shit in the future. | ||
| Like a virtual reality kind of thing? | ||
| Yeah, where you can walk around in the scene. | ||
| I feel like they have that universal city walk. | ||
| Four killing of some of them lost. | ||
| They probably do. | ||
| I think Americans would know for that. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| They would line up for that. | ||
| Just put that in Tennessee somewhere? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like Call of Duty, but better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah! | |
| Woohoo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| You can't have it. | ||
| You ever been in places like Tennessee or West Virginia or anything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I spent Christmas in Virginia. | ||
| Virginia, Virginia? | ||
| Like backwards Virginia. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| What were you doing? | ||
| Having Christmas. | ||
| Do you know somebody that's hugging coke? | ||
| Do you know somebody from Virginia? | ||
| Do you have a friend there? | ||
| I have a friend there. | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I went to the Appomattox, past Appomattox. | ||
| What's an Appomattox? | ||
| Appomattox Courthouse, like for the Civil War. | ||
| It's like this tiny. | ||
| Went to a Civil War gift shop. | ||
| Oh wow. | ||
| Which is not really a Civil War gift shop as much as this dude just ordered a bunch of shit with Confederate flags on it. | ||
| So you have like a bathing suit or whatever. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's really like all small towns in America are the same. | ||
| The more southern you get, the less teeth. | ||
| But for the most part, most of America looks the same. | ||
| Isn't it amazing that there's some assholes out there that are still fighting that war? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Heritage, not hate. | ||
| That's what it says under the Confederate flag. | ||
| Because I understand it means something to them, but if I'm a black person, it's still, that's like, a swastika could mean peace, and was it Jainism? | ||
| But to most people, you're like, yeah, it's kind of a shitty thing. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| The swastika is a very good point. | ||
| I mean, no one believes that it means peace. | ||
| Who's the general of that, though? | ||
| Who's the guy in charge of the hate on that team? | ||
| Robert E. Lee. | ||
| Kid Rock. | ||
| He's from Michigan, man. | ||
| He's a northerner. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird thing, man. | ||
| Michigan is the south of the north. | ||
| The north and the south are still at odds in some spots. | ||
| Yeah, they still use terms like Yankees. | ||
| Yeah, they get angry at you if you're a Yankee. | ||
| They do. | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| It's weird because we don't have that feeling. | ||
| It's clear. | ||
| The conqueror and the conquered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Northerners, we don't have that problem. | ||
| We like Southern accents. | ||
| It makes a dude sound sophisticated. | ||
| You know, makes a girl sound hot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A Southern accent makes someone sound sophisticated? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm going to pee in that bucket. | ||
| That does not sound... | ||
| A man of taste and culture who appreciates a good whiskey. | ||
| See, I hear a man of taste and culture. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I'm on a wall. | ||
| You're talking about a Georgia accent. | ||
| Southern gentleman as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Texas, you know? | ||
| Nah, I think the lawn-drawn-out thing kind of sounds like you. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to Walmart to get some whiskey. | ||
| There's a little of that, but there's also in the dudes that are intelligent that have that accent, it's pretty badass. | ||
| It's one of the appeals of Bill Hicks, I believe. | ||
| That Texas accent was fucking cool. | ||
| It's cool hearing people from Texas talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm from Texas. | |
| Texas is one of the coolest ways to talk. | ||
| I really believe that. | ||
| See, but it depends on, and this is for anything, where you're from, because there's a Texas accent, and then if you're from, like, Dallas, I hear, to me, it's this very preachy, I just am reminded of my teachers that were like, no, ma'am, you cannot get out to the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe that's you. | |
| Maybe that's just you. | ||
| Maybe it's just me. | ||
| Did anybody ever do anything to you in Dallas and you drive through it just stuck in your head? | ||
| Like, you know, there's certain states of mind that you entrap in certain areas. | ||
| Like, for the longest time, I would go by my high school. | ||
| Where are you from? | ||
| Newton, Massachusetts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And I would drive by the high school and I'd be panicked thinking that I missed a class and they're going to drag me back in and I'm not going to get my diploma. | ||
| And I'm fucked and I have to go back to school again. | ||
| That's what I was thinking, like being from there. | ||
| Being from Texas, I think of Dallas and I think of that teacher that talks to you like this. | ||
| We don't like Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I hear. | |
| Did you ever have a teacher actually say that? | ||
| No, but I did have a friend who, this is my really only, I pretty got out unscathed for the most part. | ||
| I had a friend who told me, we were like best friends. | ||
| Her name was Summer. | ||
| And she told me one day we were like playing and I was like five. | ||
| And she goes, if you don't accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you are going to go to hell. | ||
| And I guess I had seen a movie recently that had this line. | ||
| She was how old? | ||
| We were like six, five, probably five. | ||
| And I guess I had seen a movie and my automatic response was, I have naked pictures of your mother. | ||
| I had heard it, like on a movie or something. | ||
| Her mom calls my mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now I heard Eliza said something inappropriate about having naked pictures of me. | |
| And my mom was like, well, to be fair, you told, your daughter told my daughter she was going to hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And her answer, her response was, oh, I'm going to have to talk to Summer about that. | |
| She's not supposed to start witnessing until she's older. | ||
| That was like what we had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's not supposed to start witnessing. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| So you think of things like that, not Southern Gentlemen. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Well, you know, Boulder, Colorado, everybody thinks of hippies, but it's also where JonBenet Ramsey's from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's where that went down. | ||
| That is where that happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I still think of hippies. | ||
| Yeah, mostly it is, but I didn't think of Dallas in that way. | ||
| Well, it's a perfect combination of Southern charm with money and a snotty attitude. | ||
| It's like the Hollywood of Texas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| They're the cunty people of Texas? | ||
| I mean, I love Dallas. | ||
| It's got a lot of money. | ||
| They're the hardest partiers, I'll tell you that. | ||
| I've had more semi-blackout even than Dallas. | ||
| The whole state of Texas, I miss it so much. | ||
| We used to do that Addison Improv. | ||
| My God. | ||
| With Joey Diaz, that place was chaos, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You miss it. | |
| And Addison was the only, this is not, no one cares, but Addison was the only county within Dallas where you could drink for a very long time. | ||
| Like in the 80s, I think. | ||
| That was where all the bars were. | ||
| Yeah, parents had these special tickets you had to have or something. | ||
| Now it has all the bars, but you can drink anywhere, obviously. | ||
| Oh, that kind of makes sense that they did that. | ||
| That kind of makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's something like that. | |
| That's because it's such a wild place. | ||
| It's a perfect place for that improv. | ||
| That's a great club, man. | ||
| Addison improv. | ||
| Ari Shaffir's headlining that. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, he's going to headline that. | ||
| I've headlined it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You're in San Antonio. | ||
| You're not impressed. | ||
| I'm not impressed. | ||
| You're not impressed. | ||
| Well, for Ari, it's nice. | ||
| Well, it's my hometown. | ||
| So they've had me. | ||
| Do ex-boyfriends ever show up at your shows? | ||
| I've invited them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| From high school or something? | ||
| Yeah, it's fine. | ||
| Okay, it's fine. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do you communicate with your ex-boyfriends from high school? | ||
| No, but not out of disdain or anything. | ||
| Just one you don't talk to and then another one is probably married. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have any relationships where it's like, I don't want to fucking see him, I swear to Christ. | |
| None of them. | ||
| No, it always ends amicably. | ||
| If I saw someone, I'd probably give them a hug. | ||
| I don't know if they would give me a hug. | ||
| You're usually the one that pulls the trigger? | ||
| I don't think I've ever... | ||
| Been dumped? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Never been dumped? | ||
| Which is not going to make anyone like me anymore. | ||
| Yeah, what's up with that? | ||
| Putting up a challenge. | ||
| Yeah, what's up with that? | ||
| What kind of dudes are you picking? | ||
| Hot ones. | ||
| Just hot... | ||
| Look at what you said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hot ones. | |
| On shallow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fine. | |
| That's so funny. | ||
| No, not out of like, oh, I always win, but just... | ||
| But just you always win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, not always. | |
| Things come to a natural end. | ||
| Listen, it's part of your spirit. | ||
| You're competitive. | ||
| It's not a bad thing. | ||
| You defend it. | ||
| It's harder for the person doing the breaking up. | ||
| I think sometimes it is. | ||
| You don't want to hurt someone's feelings. | ||
| I've been in relationships for a while where I just didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. | ||
| Yeah, and then when you're the one that has to do the breaking up, if you're ever feeling bad about it in the future, you can't call them because you're the one that initiated it. | ||
| That's like a dick thing, so you just have to keep it to yourself and be sad. | ||
| Yeah, sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So sad. | |
| So sad. | ||
| So hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some people are not meant to be. | ||
| And that person needs to find whoever the fuck they're meant to be with. | ||
| And get off my porch. | ||
| It ain't me, bitch. | ||
| How do you fix one of those domestic violence holes that sometimes you get in your walls? | ||
| You know, where it's like a humongous hole. | ||
| That you punch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or you kicked. | ||
| Is that something hardcore or is that really easy to do? | ||
| Have you ever done any wall board? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you ever done any drywall work? | ||
| Yeah, but I think maybe a patch. | ||
| Yeah, or I punch the hole in the wall. | ||
| Well, you gotta be careful because you don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| You could accidentally, you know, you're gonna have to use a razor knife. | ||
| You could accidentally slice through an electrical cord that you don't know is there. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| You know, you should hire someone to do that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You should leave it as a warning to the next girl. | ||
| Yeah, you know what you should do? | ||
| Put a picture in front of it. | ||
| Glue some false eyelashes and fake blood around the edges of it and just leave it there. | ||
| Oh, I thought you were gonna say. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just fuck it. | ||
| Because it's in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I thought you meant, like, make it look like a girl. | ||
| No, I'm in a little, like, evidence. | ||
| Like, as if a girl's head just went right through it. | ||
| Blam. | ||
| False eyelashes. | ||
| It's in the bathroom. | ||
| Like, that's the evidence, you know? | ||
| A little subtle. | ||
| We all leave them all. | ||
| Subtle, subtle. | ||
| Nothing crazy. | ||
| Not a wig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that an eyelash? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's in the bathroom now, right across from the toilet, so it looks like I have a hidden camera in there now. | ||
| Well, you should put a hidden camera in there. | ||
| My girlfriend has that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what you should do? | |
| You should put a camera there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I should. | ||
| Now it's already half done. | ||
| Put a webcam up and just let people watch you shit. | ||
| Put the toilet roll there and make it look like a real toilet roll. | ||
| I'm surprised no one does that. | ||
| Allow people to watch you shit for like five bucks a month. | ||
| I bet you'd pay your rent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you had people that just paid to watch you shit. | ||
| Oh, that could be a good idea. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| People would definitely do that. | ||
| If you could have subscribed to a 24-hour webcam that's only above the toilet, you would get a lot of, especially if you're a girl, Why not put the camera in the toilet to watch the poop fall? | ||
| That's probably illegal. | ||
| Oh, so you're saying showing the actual poop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Showing the actual poop is probably illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that weird? | |
| But you can show animal poop. | ||
| Well, you know, when you get into obscenity areas, like that guy Max Hardcore that got arrested, they arrested him in the most stringent place in the country, which was like this area of Florida that had the harshest laws, and that's how they prosecuted him, because he was selling stuff on the internet. | ||
| If he sold stuff to that area, he's prosecuted by the laws of that area. | ||
| What was he telling? | ||
| Just terrible, fucking evil porns where he would do nasty, terrible things to girls. | ||
| It's like really, really sadistic shit. | ||
| But was it consensual? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's okay. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it is, and it isn't, because these poor fucking girls... | ||
| Like what? | ||
| He opened up this girl's asshole with a tool, like this thing, a speculum, I guess it would be, pissed inside of it, and then had her drink the piss through a straw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not like I want to see it, but it sounds like something you'd make up. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| It sounds completely ridiculous. | ||
| Well, she must have been addicted to drugs or something. | ||
| Well, I think there's some really lost people out there, man, and he's taking advantage of them. | ||
| And it is legal, and I guess it should be. | ||
| I mean, I'm not the one that's saying that we need extra laws, but I am the one that's saying he's a fucking creep. | ||
| The fact that you would want to do that to somebody, you know nobody wants you to do that to them. | ||
| Someone should have hugged him. | ||
| Oh, it was creepy, man. | ||
| And that's just one of them. | ||
| He pisses in girls' mouths. | ||
| I can somehow know the guy who could piss with a heart on. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| I can do that. | ||
| It's just all about bending your feet and pushing it down like you're pushing down something. | ||
| I can if I have to, but do you ever have to pee while you're having sex? | ||
| Ever? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, not me. | ||
| I will stop in the middle and be like, I gotta go pee real quick. | ||
| Yeah, morning sex all the time. | ||
| I have to pee all the time anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
UTI. I don't have a UTI. This girl was giving him head. | |
| Small bladder. | ||
| And he's got a full boner. | ||
| And he pees into her mouth. | ||
| And it's like falling out. | ||
| I mean, it's a lot of pee. | ||
| And then he shoves her head back down again. | ||
| I'm like, why am I watching this? | ||
| I don't know why I'm laughing. | ||
| Yeah, because it's gross. | ||
| My girlfriend has a hot oil. | ||
| As long as you don't know that poor girl. | ||
| But if she was like, you know, like your next door neighbor and you knew that her mom yelled at her and, you know, you grew up and, you know, she was like that 14-year-old girl that looked to you for guidance. | ||
| And I peed in her mouth. | ||
| No, you didn't peed in her mouth. | ||
| You just... | ||
| And he got arrested. | ||
| You see her hit the wall. | ||
| Yeah, he did some time. | ||
| I think he's out now. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| But it was a really controversial sort of a situation because nobody wanted to defend him. | ||
| I mean, not nobody. | ||
| A lot of people did. | ||
| But a lot of people were, you know, a lot of people in the porn industry were saying, good, fuck him. | ||
| He's a creep. | ||
| Like, what he does is gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, there's a lot of people that, like, they don't want that to be in the same lumping as regular sex. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Well, beggars can't be choosers. | ||
| My girlfriend has this hot oil she puts in her hair in the shower that's supposed to help damaged hair or dry hair. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is she? | |
| Kind of. | ||
| Is she black? | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| I wasn't even joking. | ||
| Only in her heart. | ||
| White people don't use hot oil. | ||
| Well... | ||
| Well, we do, but not, like, as much as black people do. | ||
| Anyways, it spilled in the... | ||
| She wasn't using it, but it spilled into the bathtub, and I stepped in the bathtub and did one of those, like, seriously, like, three stooges, like, back flip. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Head hit the wall last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you okay? | |
| Huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's how you got this hole? | ||
| Yeah, so now there's this huge bowling ball hole across it. | ||
| Dude, you're fucking super lucky. | ||
| Oh, I thought this was going to be about peeing in your mouth. | ||
| People die that way, man. | ||
| The tub is actually a way that people die on a regular basis. | ||
| Isn't that one of your fears, that you'll slip in the shower alone, and they'll find you naked, wet, hard? | ||
| Well, you're supposed to get rock hard, right? | ||
| When you die, you get super hard, like the hardest you've ever gotten. | ||
| It's called like the death boner. | ||
| The death boner? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've heard that, and I've heard that it's only if you get certain poisons. | ||
| Certain toxins in your body or something. | ||
| You die a certain way. | ||
| That would be awesome if it happens. | ||
| What, a death boner? | ||
| Was it in that movie too? | ||
| The Nicolas Cage movie where he played an Elizabeth Shue. | ||
| Leaving Las Vegas. | ||
| Yes, Leaving Las Vegas. | ||
| The original title was Death Boner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't think that people in Florida would like it. | |
| Yeah, it's not going to sell in the blue states. | ||
| Or in the red states, rather. | ||
| It sounds like a speed rock band. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| There should be a fucking band named Death Boner for sure. | ||
| I'm sure there is. | ||
| Can we Google it? | ||
| Yeah, I bet there is. | ||
| Death Boner, I'm sure. | ||
| My dog is ripping the worst farts. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I mean, I think if you ask any guys... | ||
| Oh my god, stop. | ||
| If you ask any guys, you'd want to die of a boner, but I don't think if you ask any guys... | ||
| You don't die of the boner. | ||
| No, if you have a boner. | ||
| But what if? | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| It's spinal cord injuries. | ||
| Spinal cord injuries known to be associated with pripism, priapism. | ||
| It's actually pronounced priapism. | ||
| Priapism? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Injuries to the cerebellum or spinal cord are often associated with priapism. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Priapism? | ||
| In living patients. | ||
| So it's... | ||
| When... | ||
| Some people, when they're talking about deaths by hanging, executions, shit like that, dude's dicks get hard. | ||
| That's the way to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that because... | |
| They've observed the effects of the genitals of both men and women. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What, they shoot a chick in the head and then check to see if she's wet? | ||
| She's wet, yeah. | ||
| The labia... | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| The labia and clitoris become engorged and there may be a discharge of blood from the vagina. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| When you die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| A death tear. | ||
| Yeah, my God. | ||
| It's like nature's Hail Mary. | ||
| That's the sister band? | ||
| Nature's Hail Mary. | ||
| Nature's like, listen, we might be dying right now, so just let anybody fuck us. | ||
| Maybe we'll get pregnant. | ||
| Bloody death tear? | ||
| Maybe it's because your blood is already... | ||
| Your body's fucked. | ||
| Your body doesn't know what to do. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's a wrap, son. | ||
| Wow, fatal gunshot wounds, the brain. | ||
| Are there pictures? | ||
| No. | ||
| This is just Wikipedia and some articles it references, but it's actually a real phenomenon that happens sometimes. | ||
| Pretty fucking nuts. | ||
| Death boner. | ||
| Do you die? | ||
| Do you want to be wet? | ||
| Don't look at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't look at me. | |
| Don't ask me questions like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What kind of a fucked up... | |
| What do you want? | ||
| Why would I care? | ||
| That's what I was... | ||
| Because, you know, all guys would want to have a boner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'll tell you what. | |
| I don't want anything sexual. | ||
| I don't want a coroner looking, and I don't want anywhere in her report being like, she was really wet. | ||
| Like, I just want it to be a nice, normal death. | ||
| Nothing, like, freaky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's... | |
| Does it drive you crazy that a coroner gets to see you naked and do whatever he wants to? | ||
| The detective, my husband, whoever finds me to be like, she was soaking wet. | ||
| She was so turned on. | ||
| Because that makes you weird. | ||
| Because then they're going to think, oh, she died when she was watching The Golden Girls and she was wet. | ||
| You're going to think it's a thing. | ||
| I don't want any of that. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to be in your death report. | ||
| Wet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Under moisture. | ||
| Who's watching Golden Girls? | ||
| Because I watch it every night before I go to bed. | ||
| God forbid I have an aneurysm. | ||
| Dry, medium, and ready to rock. | ||
| So you're that addicted to the Golden Girls that you've named your dog after? | ||
| No. | ||
| That just happens to be a coincidence? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just picked an old lady name and Blanche came into my head. | ||
| And then, as of late, I started watching The Golden Girls. | ||
| But this was... | ||
| I got her like three years ago. | ||
| Why do you watch The Golden Girls? | ||
| Because it's on when I go to bed. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Good show? | ||
| It's relaxing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great writing. | |
| It's like a warm hug to you when you sleep. | ||
| Do you ever watch the show? | ||
| Yeah, I watch it all the time. | ||
| The writing is so smart. | ||
| I haven't watched a sitcom in forever. | ||
| It's on one of our affiliate, whatever. | ||
| If you had to sleep with one, which one would it be? | ||
| Mine would it be. | ||
| It's always Betty White. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why would you sleep with Rue? | ||
| Back in the day, she was the hottest one. | ||
| She was the young, feisty one, remember? | ||
| They were all like 900 years old. | ||
| Well, one was creepy. | ||
| One was like Quagmire, whatever. | ||
| Why wouldn't you want to sleep with Rue McClanahan? | ||
| She was the one that was a whore. | ||
| Yeah, she was Quagmire. | ||
| She was a whore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was her thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm a whore. | ||
| Okay, Betty White played Rose, and she was an idiot. | ||
| Bea Arthur played Dorothy's Bornak, who was really smart and eight feet tall. | ||
| Yeah, she was a lesbian in real life. | ||
| And then Rue McClanahan, who played Blanche Devereaux, who was a self-proclaimed slut. | ||
| And she was always running off to sleep with some eligible young man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you would want to sleep with that one, because she was... | ||
| No, Betty White, all the way. | ||
| That was the Chrissy. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You had Chrissy. | ||
| Oh, Chrissy was the best one. | ||
| Who's Chrissy? | ||
| And the third one. | ||
| Which one was Chrissy? | ||
| She was the second one? | ||
| The first one. | ||
| The first one. | ||
| Suzanne Somers. | ||
| Back in the day, wearing those little shorts. | ||
| She was the best one? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Would you ever want to sleep with an older woman? | ||
| I would sleep with Suzanne Somers. | ||
| Like older, like 60? | ||
| Like dying? | ||
| Yeah, like 68. Probably not. | ||
| Suzanne Somers is probably that. | ||
| She's unlocked the secret to living young. | ||
| She has the book on it. | ||
| Alright, Demi Moore on drugs. | ||
| She's not 68 by any means. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old is she? | |
| She's like almost 50. Oh. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| Yeah, she's hanging in there. | ||
| I guess she had some sort of a reaction. | ||
| Did you hear about that shit? | ||
| It was like Red Bull or something like that? | ||
| That's what they're saying? | ||
| That's not what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was doing nitrous and she did salvia. | |
| What? | ||
| She did salvia. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Where are you hearing this from? | ||
| You can't just say this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| No one's ever had a bad reaction to salvia. | ||
| Well, TMZ was reporting that it was... | ||
| Nitrous oxide, which could be true because she had a seizure. | ||
| She fished. | ||
| Nitrous, yeah. | ||
| But that lasts like five to ten minutes. | ||
| I've fished before. | ||
| Now, Salvia, the police report, they censored the 911 call because of personal privacy. | ||
| And then the police report came out as that she smoked something. | ||
| So you don't smoke nitrous, so I'm thinking it's salvia. | ||
| I'm thinking, what was she smoking fish on the ground for? | ||
| Are you sure that the police report said she smoked something, or are you just hearing this from TMZ? TMZ was reporting on it, so that's what it is. | ||
| We shouldn't really say that, though. | ||
| You can get the same rush from chewing five gum that you would for salvia. | ||
| Why don't we just Google it real quick, just so that we don't get in trouble. | ||
| No, I'm 99.9% sure. | ||
| What was I talking about? | ||
| You were talking about her... | ||
| Well, I just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just feel bad. | ||
| The information is probably out there. | ||
| You're saying that it was nitrous oxide and salvia. | ||
| I heard it was Red Bulls. | ||
| Someone called it a death puddle. | ||
| A death puddle? | ||
| The wet thing. | ||
| Oh, ew. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| Smoked... | ||
| And whatever it is, you think that her PR people wouldn't put a spin on it. | ||
| The media doesn't have an allegiance to the truth about celebrities. | ||
| So it's whatever they hear, they're going to... | ||
| You need your own show, MSNBC, right next to Rachel Maddow. | ||
| You need your own show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I said allegiance? | ||
| No, you'd be great at it. | ||
| I would love it. | ||
| You're very articulate. | ||
| You've got a great vocabulary. | ||
| You would kick ass in one of those shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you'd be able to make fun of shit. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| Is that what you want? | ||
| I have a pilot we're doing with VH1. I want to have my own late night chit chat. | ||
| Like a talk show? | ||
| Yeah, but not as shitty. | ||
| How come you haven't done a podcast yet? | ||
| I have a web show that I do every week. | ||
| Oh, you do? | ||
| Do you want to be a guest on it? | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Of course, I would love to. | ||
| I just sound off on why people are wrong every Monday. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you do? | |
| It's called The Weekly News. | ||
| The Weekly News. | ||
| Go to, if you want to type it in. | ||
| Go to thestream as in water, thestream.tv slash... | ||
| And then put swimsuit or underwear. | ||
| Weekly, W-E-A-K-L-Y. I've been doing it for five years. | ||
| Yep, give me more. | ||
| Stream.tv, what is the rest of it? | ||
| Slash weekly, W-E-A-K-L-Y. Demi Moore has smoked something similar to incense and was semi-conscious, barely, said the worried voice on the 911 call to get more help. | ||
| So, similar to incense. | ||
| Said the fucking idiot who thinks she smoked incense. | ||
| The closest thing to similar to incense is salvia. | ||
| You think? | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| She smoked salvia. | ||
| She did it in Ari Shafir, where she went to a different world, you know. | ||
| I don't know if you ever saw that video. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Similar to incense. | ||
| Sage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what Salvia is. | ||
| Yes, it's Salvia. | ||
| And so she went to the other world, which you can easily do DMT style. | ||
| I mean, you can get pretty close to DMT kind of effects from it. | ||
| But my question is, maybe her body had a little stroke because of it or something, because of her age? | ||
| She's not that old, man. | ||
| She's just kind of old for a hot chick. | ||
| She's not old like she's in trouble. | ||
| The only reason is that I say that because after 10 minutes, 15 minutes, you usually are fine. | ||
| So unless the ambulance is right next door. | ||
| We don't know what else she takes. | ||
| We don't know what else she takes. | ||
| You're totally speculating. | ||
| Something similar to incense does sound like salvia because sage, the plant sage, is something that people frequently burn. | ||
| It's like ward off spirits and shit. | ||
| Sage is the salvia plant. | ||
| It's like the same plant. | ||
| Okay, whoever was with her would know what she was doing. | ||
| So they're obviously covering up the fact that she was doing something that they don't want the public to know about. | ||
| No one calls. | ||
| Something similar to smoking incense. | ||
| No one would say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's such a ridiculous thing to pull out of your ass. | |
| I just don't think they want to advertise that it was salve because it's still legal in most states and they just don't want to advertise it at all. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| Because if it was an actual illegal drug, they would want to know what that drug was. | ||
| That makes a lot of sense, dude. | ||
| You should be a fucking detective. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You should really, for CSI or something... | ||
| You totally did the math there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, because if it was anything else, if it was like, you know, she was smoking cocaine, like, whoa, they would tell you, hey, this is a sensational story. | ||
| Poor girl, she's smoking cocaine. | ||
| But she's smoking something similar to incense, and that's why she... | ||
| Salvia can fuck your world up. | ||
| All you have to do is look at that video of Ari on your... | ||
| Or me. | ||
| Or you. | ||
| Talking about my face. | ||
| But when Ari was on your show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| When he was on your show, and he did Salvia, and just melted into everybody. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was cuddling up with Sam. | ||
| It was so cute. | ||
| And if somebody talked to her to doing that, and she's not used to psychedelics, if she hasn't had a psychedelic experience. | ||
| If she's not used to something, and she had a bad trip, and maybe she's on some other things. | ||
| Or it could also be that it ignited some horrible insecurity in her, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she had a panic attack. | ||
| What does she have to be insecure about? | ||
| I'm totally kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so cute. | |
| I love when you do that. | ||
| I typed in thestream.tv the weekly, but it says... | ||
| No, not the weekly. | ||
| Thestream.tv slash. | ||
| Slash. | ||
| W-E-A-K-O-Y. No, the. | ||
| Just weekly. | ||
| Oh, weekly. | ||
| Take out the the. | ||
| W-E-A? K-O-Y, yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Because I don't have a strong point of view. | ||
| I got E. Okay, you crazy bitch. | ||
| I gotcha. | ||
| We did one on Monday. | ||
| The weekly news. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| And so you do this every week? | ||
| Every Monday we have a studio. | ||
| And it's a network and there's other shows on there. | ||
| And we've been doing it for about five years. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I do it every week. | |
| You know, eventually this is going to be a television station, huh? | ||
| I mean, that is the future. | ||
| Yeah, and he's got some... | ||
| The owner of the thing has got some pretty cool things going. | ||
| But that's my little forum. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Alright, we'll tell people to go there. | ||
| Do you want to come on it? | ||
| Fuck yeah, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you want to come on it? | |
| Sure. | ||
| Boom, it's done. | ||
| We just made a date. | ||
| We have a segment called Who Should Be Shot, where we argue the lesser of two evils. | ||
| It usually has to do with who should be shot, the supplier or the demander, and then we talk about something. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you can either. | ||
| You can pick which side you're on. | ||
| Wow, the supplier or the demander? | ||
| For specific things. | ||
| For terrible things, like guns or something like that? | ||
| Well, no, it's not as heavy-handed. | ||
| Like last week, I was talking about how much I hate chocolate fountains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So who should be shot? | |
| The fat fucks that wait in line or the caterer that's like, ooh, chocolate fountains. | ||
| Let me give you one. | ||
| I like chocolate fountains. | ||
| Why is it bad? | ||
| Strawberries with chocolate is yummy. | ||
| That's fine, but then people start to get into like, oh, what else can I dip in this? | ||
| How about my dick? | ||
| Just gross stuff. | ||
| And by the end, it's all like there's garbage in it. | ||
| I think you're partying with the wrong people. | ||
| Yeah, like Golden Corral. | ||
| Yeah, I have to stop hanging out with those people. | ||
| Golden Corral, what is that? | ||
| That's where they have a chocolate fountain. | ||
| What's the Golden Corral? | ||
| It's a buffet for poor people. | ||
| Where is that? | ||
| It's probably out somewhere in the valley. | ||
| It's like a family, like a hometown buffet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, like a restaurant? | |
| No, like a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What would it be like? | |
| Like a... | ||
| You never heard of Hometown Buffet? | ||
| Or like a Bob Evans. | ||
| It's like a place... | ||
| A lot of food for a little money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Not super nice, but... | ||
| I'm trying to think of some names in different places like that, but they escape me. | ||
| It's like less nice than a red lobster. | ||
| Sizzler. | ||
| Yeah, kind of like that. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a little bit nicer to sizzler. | ||
| And their big thing is that they have a chocolate fountain. | ||
| Well, that's not what I'm talking about. | ||
| I'm talking about if you go to somebody's dope party... | ||
| And they got a chocolate fountain. | ||
| You ever go to someone's party that just goes ridiculous? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went to this dude's party. | ||
| He had this crazy party in Malibu. | ||
| And he's like some super, super billionaire type character. | ||
| And he had brought in snow. | ||
| And the whole hill was covered in snow. | ||
| And people were sledding. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys have that here. | |
| At the entrance to your little community you live in, there's a big thing that says Snow Day. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Is that to make up for it? | ||
| That's like for the whole community. | ||
| No. | ||
| They'll bring in snow. | ||
| Yeah, they bring in snow. | ||
| This dude had it in his house, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just for his? | |
| In his yard. | ||
| He had a ramp built. | ||
| It was constructed because he didn't have enough of a grade for a hill, so he built it up as a giant ramp. | ||
| Is the snow there just for the party or all the time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just for the party. | |
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, it was crazy. | ||
| He had so much shit going on, but no chocolate fountain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No chocolate. | |
| So I was like, what's this bitch at? | ||
| Let's party with no chocolate found. | ||
| And I think they've become so pedestrian. | ||
| Like, everyone has them now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm like, I wouldn't want it. | ||
| I love them with strawberries. | ||
| I think strawberries are delicious. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| It's shitty chocolate. | ||
| I have a blog about it, so I don't want to repeat my blog. | ||
| Well, repeat it, because I'm not going to read it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm just saying, like, I don't want it to look like I read my blog and then I go out and I like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| It's like chocolate pellets that you can buy at like Michael's. | ||
| No, you buy them at the grocery store. | ||
| No, not like that. | ||
| It's like a special kind of chocolate. | ||
| It's just gross. | ||
| It's just not the good chocolate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not the good chocolate. | |
| If you had like Ghirardelli dark chocolate, some fucking badass chocolate and that was melted, would you be down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Because I also don't like chocolate. | ||
| You, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'm tolerating. | ||
| Alright, show us your cock. | ||
| Oh my god, she's such a strange woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She is. | |
| I don't want chocolate. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| I don't like chocolate. | ||
| With her dog substitute for a child that she carries with her everywhere she goes. | ||
| Fucking hating chocolate. | ||
| I love candy. | ||
| Dumping men. | ||
| Undefeated streak of man dumping. | ||
| She's undefeated. | ||
| She's undefeated streak of man dumping and she carries a dog everywhere with her. | ||
| Do you mimic nursing with that dog ever? | ||
| I wish I could say that I not only gave birth to her, but that I nursed her. | ||
| I nursed you. | ||
| Do you have the urge to reproduce? | ||
| I would like to have a baby one day. | ||
| If you could have a baby with that dog. | ||
| One dude that you decide to keep around. | ||
| That I mate with. | ||
| Because I'm going to have just a stunning child. | ||
| Just say, listen, you've been picked for your genetics and intelligence, but don't tell me what to do. | ||
| Here, we're going to make a baby together. | ||
| I'm going to kill him at the death cock. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| The death boner. | ||
| Death boner. | ||
| No. | ||
| What if you already jerked off that day and he's got nothing left for you? | ||
| What if he just threw it at you? | ||
| Then you don't jerk off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'd like to have a baby. | ||
| Would you, for sure? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it gets weird when... | ||
| You don't want to be the girl that's nagging your boyfriend about it or something. | ||
| You don't want to be the girl that talks about it all the time. | ||
| But I think, you know, we are genetically predisposed as women. | ||
| We're maternal and we do want that one day. | ||
| That's why I take care of this little dog. | ||
| But I don't... | ||
| It's not like on my mind. | ||
| Like, I'm just going to baby soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get ready. | |
| It happens. | ||
| Do you ever draw pictures of what you want your baby to look like or anything weird like that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Who does that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck, Brian? | |
| It's so weird. | ||
| Is that what your black girlfriend does? | ||
| Between hot oil treatments? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The feeling of longing to have children seem creepy as fuck. | |
| If anybody could make that the most beautiful of natural urges seem creepy as fuck, it's you picturing some fucking crazy lady sitting there sketching out what she wants her kid's teeth to be shaped like. | ||
| Some girls are like that, I think. | ||
| You fucking nut. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's the thing, man. | ||
| Some people like anything. | ||
| There's a lot of people that like all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| You know, that's one of the weirdest things about growing up is experiencing the different things that people not only tolerate, but actually love. | ||
| And then you try to bring them up with another person. | ||
| Like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| They get angry at you. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Does anyone do that? | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| I draw my way to what I want my baby to look like. | ||
| Give me a two-year-old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was going to say, I'm sure somebody has. | |
| For sure, somebody must have. | ||
| They must have. | ||
| All babies are a little weird looking at first. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They're mushy. | ||
| Well, they're terrified, too. | ||
| You look at a terrified object, you're like, oh, Jesus, poor little thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have, like, dry skin sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Little rashes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes. | |
| And you're like, what the fuck's going on here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very tricky, man. | ||
| Raising little babies is very tricky. | ||
| Keeping them from diseases and getting them shots, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure. | |
| I can't even get Blanche not to eat cat poop. | ||
| I can't imagine like... | ||
| Same here. | ||
| You gotta watch him every step. | ||
| Like my one and a half year old is just now at the stage where I can let her get like one or two feet in front of me. | ||
| Without her doing something stupid. | ||
| Yeah, but I gotta be right there, right there. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| And then maybe sometimes she'll be in an area where she can't mess anything up. | ||
| She's wandering around the bathroom like, okay, I got an eye on you. | ||
| I'll let you walk a little. | ||
| But you have to always be right there in case you're like, what is this? | ||
| I lick this and I stick it in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They don't know. | ||
| They don't know anything. | ||
| They're babies. | ||
| Isn't it crazy how you have that desire to protect her? | ||
| It's not hard for you to make sure she's safe. | ||
| It's a natural instinct. | ||
| People who don't have children really have no idea what the experience is like. | ||
| It's so hard to describe. | ||
| I thought I could kind of guess what it would be like before I actually had kids. | ||
| I would think, yeah, it's probably just a really intense love. | ||
| It's probably really hard to probably... | ||
| Test your patience. | ||
| It's not like that at all. | ||
| You actually get love and pleasure from it. | ||
| That's what I didn't understand. | ||
| I thought even the difficult times of raising kids, I thought it would be stressful and it would be something you would regret. | ||
| But you get so much love from it. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| It's rewarding. | ||
| That's what I didn't anticipate. | ||
| The fun involved in raising kids. | ||
| It's like If you're enjoying it and you're enjoying raising them and talking to them and hanging out with them and playing with them, it's so rewarding. | ||
| I didn't anticipate that. | ||
| I thought it was just going to be loving but difficult. | ||
| It's so much different than I ever thought it would be. | ||
| Do you think you thought that initially? | ||
| I mean, the fact that this is not a slight against men. | ||
| Women are obviously more in tune with being maternal and mothers and all that stuff. | ||
| So it's not about being a guy, but do you think being a comic? | ||
| Because when I watch comics that are fathers, reluctant fathers, not everyone planned to have a kid, I always get the vibe that people hate their marriages, hate their kids. | ||
| And so that's always the way I felt like comics were like, oh, I got this kid, oh, my kid's annoying. | ||
| And I'm like, do you think you felt that way because a lot of your friends or whoever you would watch when you were coming up had a disdain toward being... | ||
| A father? | ||
| Well, I think as comics, we all can speak for the whole group and say that we're pretty much all fucked up. | ||
| And super selfish. | ||
| Yeah, super selfish and fucked up in one way or another. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Everybody's got their own little kink. | ||
| And for most of us, it came from our childhood. | ||
| Most of us, it came from either parents splitting up or being ignored or weird shit that makes you want, not all of us, but the vast majority. | ||
| Validation and attention. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| And then the overwhelming need to do it so much so that you're willing to risk your self-esteem by going on stage in front of strangers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I think when you've been through that, you're automatically apprehensive as a potential parent of recreating that same sort of environment that you had to experience when you were a child. | ||
| So you're really reluctant to be in some situation where you're going to fuck up the same way someone fucked up with you. | ||
| Oh, that's one way of looking at it. | ||
| That is exactly how I looked at it. | ||
| And then there's also the part of being connected to this other person. | ||
| Like responsible for them. | ||
| Not the baby. | ||
| The other person that you mate with. | ||
| Because you have to choose that wisely. | ||
| Because I have friends that have had babies with fucking crazy people. | ||
| And their life is chaos. | ||
| Their life is craziness, and the woman is constantly fucking with them and trying to make them jealous and doing horrible things and saying bad things to the kids. | ||
| And it's just constant chaos. | ||
| And then he's got to always deal with the new boyfriends and all these new guys that are around his kids. | ||
| I've seen people that have had kids with the wrong person, and it's just been a disaster. | ||
| So there's that, too. | ||
| It's so weird because... | ||
| In my early 20s, that's when you're on your own for the first time, and you're whatever, out in, we'll say, LA. And I would watch these male comics, and a lot of them, and I'm sure you and I know several, we have several in common, where some guy, probably in his 40s, just effed some woman, and she happened to be the one that stuck around, so now he's married. | ||
| And he's like, you never hear him talk about his wife, he kind of doesn't like her, or he had sex with a crazy girl, and now they have a kid. | ||
| And he likes the kid, but he hates the woman. | ||
| And I think Men get to dictate the way society feels about marriage because just being the stronger of the sexes and whatever guys like is always the cooler thing. | ||
| No one ever wants to do the girl stuff. | ||
| What do you mean by that? | ||
| Like, women always want to wear men's clothing. | ||
| Women want to go where the guys are. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| It's always like guys, you know, girls always want to be part of the boys club. | ||
| No guys knocking down the door to get in the girls club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Women like to be part of the, you know, we want, our comedy is, you know, like male-centric and everything we do, we want to be one of the guys and taken seriously like men. | ||
| So the view on kids and marriage, you... | ||
| At least as a comic, I'm watching them, and they seem so unhappy, so it all of a sudden becomes, like, uncool to have a baby, and I've noticed a lot of girls saying things like, I don't want to have kids, I don't want to get married, I don't want to be in a relationship, the fuck you don't! | ||
| You have to, of course you do! | ||
| It's just become the thing du jour to say that you don't want that, because women think men find it more attractive. | ||
| Wow, how many women are running that game? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So many. | |
| Just running around pretending they don't want relationships. | ||
| That, or they think they don't. | ||
| I mean, I host a dating show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I hear girls all the time, and I'm looking at it. | ||
| You're a skank whore. | ||
| Like, I'm looking at your eyeliner job. | ||
| Like, I can tell that you suck dick a lot. | ||
| Wait, eyeliner tells you that they suck a lot of hair? | ||
| Yeah, it depends the way you apply it. | ||
| Will you write a book? | ||
| I'd love to. | ||
| For the rest of us? | ||
| You're going to wear white eyeliner? | ||
| Let's get serious. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Okay, a girl with white eyeliner, she'll suck your dick. | ||
| Lashes? | ||
| That sounds like Joey Diaz. | ||
| Lashes depends. | ||
| It depends on the way of your makeup. | ||
| But I can tell by what you're wearing. | ||
| I can tell. | ||
| And then you hear them and they're like, I don't want a relationship. | ||
| I don't want a guy checking up on me. | ||
| You want the right guy. | ||
| You're not immune to it. | ||
| And you say that because you want to draw the guy in. | ||
| Like, oh, I'm totally cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm totally... | |
| Oh, that's what it is. | ||
| No woman... | ||
| I mean, I like my space. | ||
| But I would be upset if the man I was dating, like, never called me. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| That'd be weird. | ||
| Have you lived with dudes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| How many? | ||
| At a time? | ||
| No. | ||
| I had a boyfriend. | ||
| We lived together when I was 25 for about a year. | ||
| And then I had a boyfriend who visited for a summer. | ||
| And then I have a boyfriend who's from... | ||
| So months on end. | ||
| But never like we both signed the lease. | ||
| That kills it when you're young. | ||
| When you're young, you get so bored. | ||
| You should never do that when you're like 20. No. | ||
| I did that when I was 21. It totally killed our relationship. | ||
| I really loved her before that. | ||
| She was fun. | ||
| Living together though, I was like, oh, this is a disaster. | ||
| I guess it depends on the girl. | ||
| I probably am the messier. | ||
| I tend to date guys that are opposite me. | ||
| So I enjoy living with someone because it's nice to have someone to hang out with and talk to. | ||
| That's nice if you find a good person, but it's very difficult to do when you're 20, 20, 21. You're still a fucking child. | ||
| You don't even know how crazy you are until you live with somebody. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And then they let you know how crazy you are. | ||
| You're like, oh yeah, I'm fucking crazy. | ||
| I've done it as of late, and it's great because then, like as a girl, if you like to bake, then you can bake for them and you don't have to eat it because guys will eat anything. | ||
| Wow, you like to bake and not eat things? | ||
| I love baking. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's cathartic. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's so fascinating listening to your point of view as an intelligent woman explain to us The traps the chicks set up that we already suspected. | ||
| We all knew it. | ||
| We've had these conversations with ourselves. | ||
| I go, dude, tell me. | ||
| When a girl says to you, I don't want a relationship, what are you thinking? | ||
| She's telling you we can fuck. | ||
| That's what she said. | ||
| It means two things. | ||
| She probably doesn't like it. | ||
| If you're maybe gone on a couple times, she's like, I'm just not ready. | ||
| She doesn't like you. | ||
| She's not into you. | ||
| Or it's a lure. | ||
| If she likes you and she's like, no, I'm totally cool. | ||
| She might be a cool girl, but she does want a relationship. | ||
| No girl wants to be cool with you just sleeping with other girls and stuff like that. | ||
| If she does, she's got dad issues. | ||
| What about girls where it's the one hot girl that has all these guy friends? | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| You know those girls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the worst. | |
| That's a weird one. | ||
| I'm a tomboy! | ||
| That is what I wrote my Cosmo article on. | ||
| I have that in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| First of all... | ||
| We both are really together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right? | |
| Speaking as the girl who has always been the tomboy and always had guy friends, when you have a serious significant other, it takes the place of the relationship you form with a lot of guys. | ||
| Because you have that male influence in your life. | ||
| You don't... | ||
| You can't just ditch your friends. | ||
| You seem to need it more than most. | ||
| You're very aggressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| You're womanly. | ||
| You're not like dykey, but you're very aggressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is that about? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it's a warm, friendly aggression. | ||
| Like, I never feel creepy around you. | ||
| You're always friendly. | ||
| But, like, I can tell that you're like... | ||
| Like a friendly animal. | ||
| Yeah, well, you're like... | ||
| You would have been a good competitor in something athletic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| If I wasn't afraid of getting punched in the face, I could have been a really good fighter. | ||
| Oh, well, you just got to learn jujitsu. | ||
| Get a good clinch, high guard. | ||
| Do a video game? | ||
| And start slowly with a good trainer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not that. | |
| How old are you now? | ||
| I'm 28. Damn, it's not too late. | ||
| You can still get in there. | ||
| Not even Mario Kart? | ||
| No, I don't do video games. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| Are you strong? | ||
| I'm really strong. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm not stronger than you. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm a man. | ||
| You don't have to fight guys that are men. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We're not the same weight class either. | ||
| Can I punch? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I've never had to. | ||
| Pretty confident. | ||
| If somebody taught you how to do it, you could throw a technique. | ||
| I could kill my dog. | ||
| Kill your dog? | ||
| Your dog's this tiny little thing. | ||
| I could kill my dog and your cat. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I bet your kid killed my cat, not the male. | ||
| I bet he would fuck you up. | ||
| I actually wanted to take a class. | ||
| I bet you would think you'd kill him until you grabbed him and he started... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cat? | |
| Once they bite you, we're such pussies. | ||
| If a cat was trying to kill you, if a cat was trying to kill you... | ||
| I'd kill a fucking cat. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| No, not a cat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| If he got a hold of your neck, what if he got a hold of your neck? | ||
| Yeah, and then you pile-drive it into the concrete. | ||
| Yeah, but what if you're both dead? | ||
| What if you're both dead? | ||
| You get a boner and you're gone. | ||
| It's a wrap. | ||
| Fuck the cat. | ||
| I would take, I should have asked, I want to take like a class. | ||
| I would go, maybe I'll tape it. | ||
| I'll go, I want to take like one, maybe like a boxing class. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| If you don't tape it, what you want to do is, especially in the beginning, you need someone to stand with you and adjust things. | ||
| Like adjust your shoulders, adjust your hand position. | ||
| Because especially in the beginning, it's very important that you learn with proper technique. | ||
| Because the foundation, the principles that you learn, the habits that you form in the beginning, a lot of times they stick with guys and they get really good. | ||
| So when they get tired, they go back to their shitty technique. | ||
| So you have to learn correctly from the beginning. | ||
| You don't want to have to correct yourself so you're thinking while you're out there. | ||
| So from the beginning, you only want to do it one way, the correct way. | ||
| So if you really want to learn how to do it, where do you live? | ||
| Well, don't tell me on the air. | ||
| I live in Hollywood. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| They're going to find you, man! | ||
| Why do you live in the devil's ball sack? | ||
| Why do you live right there? | ||
| Just because you live in a really nice neighborhood. | ||
| Yeah, but Hollywood's taking it dirty. | ||
| I'm surprised that you're not like... | ||
| Where do you live? | ||
| Burbank. | ||
| With your cat pee mattress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Burbank. | |
| Get out of here. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If the valley is saying, Burbank is in his butthole. | ||
| Burbank is a nice place. | ||
| It's a nice place to go to dinner. | ||
| It's relaxing. | ||
| I don't have to worry about people fucking peeing on me. | ||
| How much is your rent a month? | ||
| Two-bedroom apartment is $1,400. | ||
| See, I don't have a rent. | ||
| I have a mortgage. | ||
| Oh, you own a place? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You bought a place in Hollywood? | ||
| Did you get a condo? | ||
| It's a condo. | ||
| It's a condo? | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Why did you say like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fine. | |
| And the area's getting better. | ||
| It is hood. | ||
| It is ghetto, but it's fine. | ||
| It was one of those TV shows where they show the insides of people's houses, like Paris Hilton or someone famous like that. | ||
| It might not have been her, but someone had one of those apartments on Wilshire. | ||
| You know those penthouses on Wilshire Boulevard where they have valets, they have a 24-hour concierge? | ||
| Yeah, where your grandparents, like the older, all the way to Santa Monica? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| On the way to Santa Monica. | ||
| Yeah, like those really nice ones. | ||
| Yeah, those super duper luxury apartments. | ||
| This was the dopest view. | ||
| I didn't know what kind of view these are. | ||
| There's no views like this in LA. And it's so high that you're way up there in this tower looking over the city. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| I'm not really into living in the city, but if I was, this would be the shit. | ||
| That area is great. | ||
| I feel like it's where your grandparents live, though. | ||
| I would want to have an office in that place. | ||
| I looked at it and the thing I thought of was I would want to buy one of those apartments and use it as an office. | ||
| That'd be amazing. | ||
| But they're really expensive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're stupid. | |
| They're like 20 million bucks or something crazy. | ||
| It's on the west side? | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| Why is the west side bad? | ||
| There's no comedy clubs over there. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| For the most part, everything I need is in Hollywood. | ||
| That kind of dictated where I bought something. | ||
| I like to be close. | ||
| You have the luxury of living farther out. | ||
| You have a bit more control over your career than I do. | ||
| You have to go into Hollywood all the time. | ||
| I do shows almost every night. | ||
| You have your gig set up. | ||
| You're not auditioning like a crazy person. | ||
| I moved out here a long time ago. | ||
| I don't want to live in Burbank. | ||
| Gross. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Burbank, it's not cool. | ||
| It's not living to be cool, though. | ||
| I'm living just to have a quiet... | ||
| I can go in my backyard and be quiet at night. | ||
| I can have parking everywhere. | ||
| I have a backyard. | ||
| Fenced in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, cool. | |
| So you can just plan your funeral now. | ||
| Plan your funeral now? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I go to Hollywood. | ||
| It takes ten minutes. | ||
| I'm on fucking sunset. | ||
| I just hang out in the sun. | ||
| Then I drive back home to my nice, quiet castle. | ||
| Instead of staying in the party. | ||
| You want to stay in the epicenter. | ||
| Yeah, you want to be up all night while people are torching your houses. | ||
| Do you like Manhattan? | ||
| Do you like that kind of city? | ||
| I love New York. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Would you live in Manhattan? | ||
| I would. | ||
| If I were to move there now, it wouldn't help me. | ||
| It would be like a lateral move. | ||
| I always think it's so funny. | ||
| It might actually be a step down. | ||
| Yeah, because you have to start off with the comedy clubs and everything. | ||
| I think it's so funny when I meet girls like actresses or other hosts and they're like, I'm by Coastal. | ||
| I'm like, oh really? | ||
| Is New York just calling you? | ||
| Just every month you gotta go. | ||
| I'm by Coastal. | ||
| No, you fly to Florida once a year to visit your parents. | ||
| You're not by Coastal. | ||
| I was by Coastal for about two months. | ||
| I had two apartments. | ||
| So that's legit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's stupid. | |
| I'd fly back. | ||
| I'm like, why do I even have this fucking place? | ||
| Especially when you deal with the first winter. | ||
| And you get a nice winter in California. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| My whole family's from New York. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Actually. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| They're all from New York City? | ||
| They're all city people? | ||
| I mean, they start there and then they're from Long Island. | ||
| Those are the very strange people who are born and raised in New York City. | ||
| In the city. | ||
| Yeah, I had an ant like that. | ||
| It's a totally different animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't understand a lot of parts of the world. | ||
| They don't even know what a pizza is. | ||
| A lot of them don't drive. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them don't ever drive. | ||
| They don't ever get licenses. | ||
| Yeah, that's so weird. | ||
| So they want to go somewhere on vacation. | ||
| It's a real pain in the ass. | ||
| They have to go get a driver's license. | ||
| They have to take driving classes and learn how to drive. | ||
| And then when they're on the road somewhere, they're incompetent. | ||
| They really shouldn't be driving. | ||
| Because it's its own microcosm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I do relate to how aggressive New Yorkers are and how forceful they are when they talk. | ||
| I like that because I feel like that's how I come off. | ||
| Do you like really calm men? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you like dudes who are like sweeties who want to rub your feet. | ||
| No, not like pussies or anything. | ||
| Not pussies, but... | ||
| Just very mellow. | ||
| Very mellow. | ||
| You're very much the dominant one, right? | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, I'm not like in bed, like, don't look at me! | ||
| Turn around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| Get on your back. | ||
| Yeah, they can be aggressive, like a quiet aggressive. | ||
| No, you can't be on top. | ||
| But you only like two minutes of a sex at a time, remember? | ||
| I just get very tired. | ||
| I have to pee a lot. | ||
| You have to pee a lot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can pee right now. | |
| Do you? | ||
| You can go pee. | ||
| Who wants to have sex for like... | ||
| I went all night. | ||
| You just don't enjoy it. | ||
| Wow, you don't know. | ||
| There's girls out there that are freaks. | ||
| Yeah, they probably wear white eyeliner. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like hookers. | ||
| Why do you have to hate? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Can't they just be different than you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Can't you just enjoy your two minutes and they enjoy their couple hours? | ||
| That's fair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| Is that okay? | ||
| Did a cowboy touch your butt when you were a child? | ||
| This girl's just like getting fucked all the time. | ||
| There's just some freaky bitches out there with crazy amounts of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was great. | |
| Which one was this? | ||
| The one that you all left your podcast early. | ||
| Oh, that sad girl that sat next to you on the Ice House Chronicles podcast, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, I walked in and you were like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Right when I walked in, you were going after her. | ||
| I was like, oh no, what do we have here? | ||
| Everyone keeps saying, you gave it to her. | ||
| I don't remember any of that. | ||
| You were polite. | ||
| You weren't being mean or anything. | ||
| I would never want to be mean to her. | ||
| But you were laughing. | ||
| There were some certain things that she was saying. | ||
| She was kidding on you. | ||
| That's all it was. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It was just sad. | ||
| That really obvious struggle for attention by being overly sexual. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Too bad that podcast never was released. | ||
| Yeah, that one had to go bye-bye. | ||
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| No, it's good. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's fun to talk about sex, but I honestly feel that a straight-up sexual talk can be the lowest form of communication, especially between men and women. | ||
| If all else fails, you can always talk about how you get off. | ||
| And so when we go right to that, it's like, oh, we're not going to attempt to discuss anything? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Quit hitting on me. | ||
| But I'm sure everyone listening... | ||
| Do you get hit on a lot? | ||
| By women? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't put myself in situations where lesbians are coming at me. | ||
| No, I mean, you have to have a fan base of women that are probably lesbians. | ||
| Do you ever get girls that say, I was like you, and then I figured it out? | ||
| Fuck men. | ||
| Meet me at Sunset in the Brighton. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I have lesbians that come to the show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, not like in droves, but... | ||
| Would you have sex with Rosie if it was offered? | ||
| Rosie O'Donnell? | ||
| If it was offered? | ||
| No, but I do think people are a little hard on her. | ||
| She's a heavy woman, but it's not like she's repugnant. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| She's very nice. | ||
| I'm sure she is. | ||
| I really enjoy talking to her. | ||
| I was really looking forward to it. | ||
| I flew in really early just to do her show. | ||
| I had like a fucking 6am flight. | ||
| I mean, she's been around. | ||
| She's put in the work. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| She's nice. | ||
| Was it Exit to Eden? | ||
| What was that one with the S&M Club? | ||
| Or the hedonistic weekend? | ||
| Yeah, I remember the scene where she was dressed up in the crazy outfit with leather bullshit. | ||
| And then she was in like the Flintstones too, right? | ||
| There is no crying in baseball! | ||
| She was so good in that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that the one where she played the mentally challenged girl on the bus? | ||
| I own that movie, Riding the Bus with My Sister. | ||
| The worst Hallmark movie. | ||
| Can I tell you my problem with this? | ||
| I lend this movie out to friends. | ||
| Hallmark sent me a three-part disc one year that had all their shitty movies. | ||
| It's Andy McDowell, who I think is the worst. | ||
| Fake, southern, like, worst thing ever. | ||
| Rosie O'Donnell is retarded in this movie, and what I don't buy about it is that she's a mean retard, and retarded people aren't mean. | ||
| She's a mean one? | ||
| She's mean and smart and sarcastic. | ||
| What? | ||
| So it's just like Rosie O'Donnell, but a little slower. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Like, it was just... | ||
| Like, she was like... | ||
| You didn't like her. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| She was like a mean retard. | ||
| If you watch this movie, and it just, there was nothing, her face didn't look retarded. | ||
| She was just like, bitchy. | ||
| So she was just, she came off like a stupid person. | ||
| You know, I think it's kind of insulting whenever a person who's not really mentally challenged plays. | ||
| A person who's mentally challenged. | ||
| It's like, was the movie Pacific, whatever the fuck it was, where, what's his name? | ||
| Downey, Robert Downey, says, never go full retard. | ||
| Oh, oh. | ||
| Tropical Thunder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tropical Pacific. | |
| Tropical Pacific. | ||
| I knew it was Tropical. | ||
| You went to full retard because he played Simple Jack. | ||
| Simple Jack, yeah. | ||
| Never go full retard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never go full retard. | |
| Come on. | ||
| I mean, it's so true. | ||
| Every time someone does. | ||
| But people try it. | ||
| Everyone thinks they're good enough to try it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Even fucking Sean Penn went there. | ||
| I think they do... | ||
| You can have brain damage and not be... | ||
| Because if you're retarded, your face will look different. | ||
| And their faces are all still stunning. | ||
| You mean Down syndrome, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I guess you can be retarded without having the facial deformity. | ||
| I have a problem with... | ||
| Even the word retard has been kind of extracted from the vernacular. | ||
| I shouldn't say that. | ||
| We're saying it and we're throwing it around real easy. | ||
| We're going to piss a lot of people off. | ||
| A lot of retards that listen to your podcast. | ||
| It's a tricky word now, where it didn't used to be. | ||
| And it doesn't mean Down syndrome. | ||
| Well, it does in this Rosie O'Donnell case. | ||
| Well, retarded actually means slow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Slow. | |
| Like, in music, you have a retard, or retardo, when things go slow. | ||
| So, take it up with the Italians. | ||
| Well, it should, not only that, the, you know, the fire has been retarded. | ||
| You know, you can say that, can't you? | ||
| Is it retardant? | ||
| Is it with an N? Well, couldn't you say, yes, well, retardant, yes. | ||
| But couldn't you say the fire has been retarded? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because of the gas fumes we're spraying on it, the fire's been retarded. | ||
| You could say that. | ||
| It wouldn't necessarily be... | ||
| Yo, this fire is retarded! | ||
| Yo! | ||
| This fire is crazy. | ||
| Crazy retarded, yo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Retarded. | |
| This is terrible. | ||
| Yeah, well, I had this woman came up to me after a show once when I used to do that bit about Noah and the Ark. | ||
| You know, I do this bit about Noah and the Ark, and the bit was that an eight-year-old retarded boy, you could tell him the story of Noah and the Ark, and he would have some questions. | ||
| And so you would tell, like, I had the best storyteller in the world who told this incredible story of Noah and the Ark, and then the eight-year-old retarded boy would go, oh, there's a lot of holes in that story, and the kid sits down and just breaks down Noah's Ark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I had this woman come up to me after a show and she goes, I thought that was really funny, except the fact that I have a retarded son. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| And I'm like, you know, I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| You know, I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm not really making fun of retarded people. | ||
| I'm sort of saying... | ||
| You're smart. | ||
| Well, I mean, I know it's... | ||
| We have to sort of admit in any... | ||
| Like, anything you do that's creative is supposed to be an expression of how you view life and culture, right? | ||
| Are we supposed to never use retarded people because they don't exist? | ||
| We can't use them as an example. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| She was probably laughing at all the other jokes at the expense of yourself and others, so when it pertains to you, we have to make an exception? | ||
| I could see how it would suck. | ||
| There's sensitive retarded people and regular retarded people. | ||
| All retarded people are sensitive. | ||
| It's like we're now... | ||
| No, I think there's retarded people that make fun of themselves, obviously. | ||
| What I was doing, obviously, was actually including a retarded person in my act. | ||
| And that's where... | ||
| No, she's retarded for being offended. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| If that was your kid, you'd want someone to know that it hurts. | ||
| I understand where she was coming from. | ||
| I have a friend who's a comic, and she's very funny, and one of her sons is autistic. | ||
| And because she's a comic, she not makes fun of him, but she has a sense of humor about it. | ||
| And her email is rain mom instead of rain man. | ||
| She gets it, and she makes, not jokes at his expense, but she treats him like an adult, and... | ||
| So you can be one of those people that gets it and gets how they fit into the world, or you can be weird and be like, oh, well, he's retarded, so no one can say that. | ||
| Well, we weren't talking about her son in specific. | ||
| We were talking about me making fun of an eight-year-old retarded boy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm saying the fact that she had an issue with that is stupid. | ||
| I kind of see her point a little bit. | ||
| I stopped doing the bit because I got it onto a CD or DVD, but I would have kept doing it. | ||
| It was a fucking good bit. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's a good bit. | ||
| I think that's funny. | ||
| It was the point, man. | ||
| I mean, he was the hero in the bit. | ||
| Yeah, he was the smart one. | ||
| He was the one who wasn't getting fooled by this stupid fucking book. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, coffee, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| I can see it from her point of view, especially if someone was being malicious. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| I mean, obviously do what you want, but you can't harp on the exception and... | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| Comedy's about generalizing. | ||
| I know, and it would be nice if everybody had a fucking sense of humor, right? | ||
| If anybody had a retarded son, then we could all just fucking make fun of them. | ||
| Oh, Eliza, how dare you? | ||
| Every time people want to like you, you come bring it back again. | ||
| Your dog just poop on you? | ||
| And then you pet your crazy dog. | ||
| You're a crazy dog lady? | ||
| Yes, obviously. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| You need to learn some Muay Thai, kid. | ||
| Would you be more of a grappler or a kickboxer, do you think? | ||
| I have a question of that. | ||
| Would you like to throw dukes on girls? | ||
| What do you think you'd like to choke a bitch? | ||
| I'll tell you the truth. | ||
| Tell me the truth. | ||
| I think punching is more useful, but no one expects you to kick him and take him to the ground on a Saturday night waiting in line at Hyde. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| So, I don't know. | ||
| I think I'd have to take an aptitude test, like a physical aptitude test, to see which of my limbs is quicker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then we'll just play to that strength. | ||
| What? | ||
| Physical aptitude test to see which of your limbs is quicker. | ||
| Like, am I better with kicking? | ||
| Am I quicker with punching? | ||
| Like, which am I better at? | ||
| Am I naturally predisposed to? | ||
| Well, the only issue with kicking is it takes a while to get good at it, and you have to think about, yeah, you're going to get kicked in the legs. | ||
| To do it correctly, you've got to learn how to leg kick, and you've got to learn how to balance. | ||
| You have to have really good balance, because otherwise someone's just going to take you down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Buy a teaser. | ||
| It's easier to take someone down when they're kicking. | ||
| Especially if you're kicking to the body. | ||
| I mean, I don't ever plan on being in a fight. | ||
| It would be nice to know how to defend myself in case somebody gets crazy. | ||
| But I don't want to get kicked in the shin. | ||
| That's good thinking. | ||
| It's good to think that way. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to get kicked in the leg. | ||
| Getting kicked in the thighs, it's really hard. | ||
| Or a lot of times you get kicked in the calf, like the lower shin, like the fibula, the little skinny bone. | ||
| There's the tibia in the fibula. | ||
| The dudes will kick the shit out of the outside of your calf. | ||
| You know what they should do? | ||
| Instead of having tasers, they should have little necklaces with little vials that are just filled with AIDS blood, and then everyone knows what that is. | ||
| And so if somebody's attacking me, like, hey, I got my AIDS blood, don't make me throw this in your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, no way would I not ever spill that on myself. | |
| Yeah, throw it in their face and their eyes and stuff. | ||
| You still wouldn't want it to happen, right? | ||
| You wouldn't want it to happen, but it's a little tiny vial. | ||
| I would take my chances. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| By the time you got to your vial and opened it up, I think I'd beat your ass. | ||
| I think I would rather be tased than have AIDS blood thrown in my face, wouldn't you? | ||
| Some dude unscrewing a vial. | ||
| No, I don't think you'd get a guy with a vial. | ||
| How much is your vial? | ||
| How big is it? | ||
| No, just like a little, you know, like those little perfume samples. | ||
| Dude, if that broke on you, what if somebody opened a door on you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What if it's titanium? | ||
| What if it's, you know, like a titanium? | ||
| Why? | ||
| But you'll kill someone. | ||
| Like, you'll go to jail for that if you willingly, knowingly give someone AIDS. Yeah, but if somebody's attacking you, you could just say you just threw some blood at them. | ||
| Why not just have a thing of mercury? | ||
| I'm sure that's better than, like, if somebody attacked you, you're allowed to shoot him, right? | ||
| If you say, hey, yeah, he attacked me, I threw some blood on him, I think that's less than shooting somebody that's attacking you, right? | ||
| That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. | ||
| You're one of the silliest men that's ever walked the face of the earth. | ||
| You really are. | ||
| You're saying AIDS blood probably is cheap, and, like, a guy that has AIDS could sell his own blood and make his own weapons for you, and then that could help him pay his bills for having AIDS. Whoa. | ||
| Why wouldn't you, instead of giving him AIDS, give him something that'll mess with them temporarily, like mercury poisoning. | ||
| You can't talk to him. | ||
| No, he gets this far. | ||
| He goes this far out and fucking spasms him. | ||
| Do you have AIDS and you're looking for ways to make money? | ||
| I'm trying to make money! | ||
| I need to find my AIDS blood! | ||
| His brain has AIDS. Only his brain. | ||
| It's only the part of his brain that forms sentences. | ||
| I got brain AIDS. That part has AIDS. It's a very specific form of AIDS. It only hits one area of the brain that form logical sentences. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That part has AIDS. Ever think you had AIDS? Over the time. | |
| I had an AIDS test when I got health insurance. | ||
| The first time I had health insurance, I was like 23. I was terrified. | ||
| And you're like, even though you didn't have it, you were like nervous? | ||
| Think of all the girls who fucked without a condom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| When Google first came, like when Google was out. | ||
| I was living in Boston. | ||
| When you're living in Boston, you don't have time to put a condom on. | ||
| I lived in Boston. | ||
| Girls will get angry at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, I decide you're not going to fuck me anymore. | |
| I changed my mind. | ||
| You had to just stick it in while you could. | ||
| You had to do your best. | ||
| As quickly as you could. | ||
| Get away from those monsters. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| Did you live in the city? | ||
| You've got responsibilities! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Responsibilities! | |
| I lived all over the place. | ||
| I grew up in Newton, but I lived in Revere and Waltham, Medford. | ||
| I lived in a couple different spots. | ||
| I lived off Symphony. | ||
| Lynn. | ||
| I lived in Lynn. | ||
| Oh, the city of sin. | ||
| You never go out the way you came in? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I ate pie there really stoned one night. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, it was the grossest place I ever lived that was on the ocean. | ||
| The ocean was nasty. | ||
| It never felt cool to be on the ocean there. | ||
| It's not a nice ocean. | ||
| I couldn't appreciate it either. | ||
| I was 19 or 20 or whatever the hell I was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have the AIDS. No, I thought I had AIDS once. | |
| There was this girl that I used to fuck around with. | ||
| One of the girls that only had a threesome a couple times by one of the girls. | ||
| It was the girl from that. | ||
| She was a hippie. | ||
| She used to be a hippie. | ||
| I ran into her and she was looking hot. | ||
| She wasn't a hippie anymore. | ||
| She has big boobs. | ||
| So we fucked a couple times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, what? | |
| She had a boob job? | ||
| No, no, she always had good boobs, but now she was just like... | ||
| No more hippie. | ||
| Yeah, just hot girl. | ||
| Yeah, just hot girl. | ||
| And so we fucked around. | ||
| Back in the day, they used to have webcam things, and I fucked her on webcam. | ||
| Thank God no one ever recorded or saw it. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| 37. Doesn't he seem like he's 12? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought you were younger. | ||
| Not immature, I just thought you were... | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then she didn't live in the city and so she got pregnant and then she came back and I had to sell all this stuff to pay for the baby hammer or whatever it's called. | ||
| Abortion. | ||
| And so then I found out from a friend that knew her that's like, dude, she's been doing heroin lately. | ||
| I guess she's been doing heroin a lot now. | ||
| She's just fucked up. | ||
| And I'm thinking, oh great, I fucked a heroin addict with no condom on. | ||
| You know, and I'm like thinking. | ||
| And then one day out of nowhere, she called me up and goes, Brian, I need to talk to you about something. | ||
| And I'm like, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Bad caller. | ||
| You know, I hung up. | ||
| Because my girlfriend was in bed with me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was just like, I can't talk to you. | ||
| And for a couple years, I was like, what? | ||
| What did she want to talk to me about? | ||
| You still don't know? | ||
| No, no, wait, wait, listen. | ||
| And then, so then I went on Google. | ||
| When Google first came out, I'm like, I'm thinking of any kind of symptoms I've noticed I've had. | ||
| And one was like sweating at night. | ||
| And I'm like typing sweating at night. | ||
| And it was like, oh, AIDS. And then I was like, oh, what else do I got? | ||
| And I got to type in something else, you know, like headaches or something, you know, AIDS. It kept on going back to AIDS. So for a couple years, I was freaked out. | ||
| And then finally, I had some kind of mole removed. | ||
| And they had to do a full blood thing, and I'm like, can you add the AIDS bonus test to that? | ||
| And I was fine, but it was such a relief. | ||
| And then later I found out that she wanted to tell me that she didn't have, was pregnant, she never got an abortion, and that she just wanted money to buy more heroin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| So she had to confess to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was one of the 10 steps. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of those things. | ||
| Is it 12 steps? | ||
| 12 steps. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| Yeah, you have to right the wrongs. | ||
| Have you ever dated someone that was an alcoholic? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| I went on two dates with a girl once. | ||
| It was really cool, and she turned out to be an alcoholic. | ||
| The first date, we had a great time. | ||
| I was like, wow, this chick is so cool. | ||
| You drank on the date, or she didn't drink? | ||
| I don't think we did. | ||
| No. | ||
| We just hung out. | ||
| And I remember talking to her. | ||
| I'm like, she's so nice, so normal. | ||
| And then the next night, it was at some bar in Hollywood where there was going to be a comedy show. | ||
| And she had got there before me with her friends, and she was fucking hammered. | ||
| I got hammered right away. | ||
| Hammered and for some reason mad at me. | ||
| And I hadn't done anything. | ||
| I had done nothing. | ||
| I just got there. | ||
| I was like, what's going on? | ||
| Or something crazy. | ||
| I was like, why are you so drunk? | ||
| I go, what the fuck happened to you? | ||
| And I go, where are your friends? | ||
| Is someone here with you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fine with myself. | |
| And she pulls away from me. | ||
| Your impressions of women. | ||
| Women are so gross in your head. | ||
| This one was. | ||
| This one was. | ||
| And the Boston one. | ||
| She knocked the glass over and it was like the whole deal. | ||
| Stumbled. | ||
| Lost a shoe. | ||
| And I get her shoe and put it on. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| I really liked you. | ||
| The first date I was like, this girl is cool. | ||
| She totally was like girlfriend material. | ||
| She was fun. | ||
| She was friendly. | ||
| She was nice. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Next night, trashed! | ||
| Just to the point of there's no way you could ever hang out with someone who gets that drunk. | ||
| Oh god, because then it'll get personal. | ||
| Then she really will be mad about something. | ||
| It's also when you look real alcoholism in the eyes, and they're just floating around with the rest of us. | ||
| Most people that I know that drink could not drink from now to the end. | ||
| Between us, like Ari, Duncan, Joey, all of us, If we sat around and we found out that one of us never had a drink again and that one of us just drinks every night now, I would be more likely to believe that they would just give it up. | ||
| I don't think any of us would have a problem giving it up. | ||
| I gave it up the other day for four days because I got so drunk Thursday. | ||
| Did you hear what I did? | ||
| How drunk I got Thursday? | ||
| I didn't even tell you this. | ||
| No. | ||
| What I was going to say though, before you say this though, is that that's most of us, but we all do know one person who's not that way. | ||
| We know one person who you give them a couple of drinks and they're fucking gone. | ||
| And I didn't know it existed until I met people in Hollywood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was the same. | |
| I grew up, I didn't know anybody like that. | ||
| And you meet people in comedy in particular. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| I remember there was this one booker who was super cool and then he would just be really mean to me. | ||
| I don't have any enemies in comedy. | ||
| And I never understood. | ||
| I'm like, what did I do wrong? | ||
| Why is he mad at me? | ||
| And I found out he was a raging alcoholic. | ||
| And if you're unaware of those types of people or how they act, You don't know how to handle it because I never knew anyone like that. | ||
| It's so bizarre when they literally change personalities. | ||
| And you think it's you. | ||
| Yeah, and not only that, you're trapped with a crazy person. | ||
| If you're having a conversation with them and they're drunk, and you're like, whoa, whoa, this person doesn't even see reality. | ||
| They don't even see reason. | ||
| So what were you going to say? | ||
| Eddie Bravo drunk the other day. | ||
| Indian drunk at Sam Triplett's Naughty Show. | ||
| Oh, you didn't get him drunk. | ||
| You got drunk personally. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| No, I got it. | ||
| You got as drunk as he gets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and Veronica were going to the Naughty Show. | ||
| We both had an eight all day. | ||
| And we were going to eat, but we were running late. | ||
| So we were like, you know what? | ||
| We'll just go for a bit, and then we'll go get something to eat. | ||
| and I guess there was somebody told me there was was that moonshine there and and I did a couple shots of moonshine but I thought it was just shots yeah and so I got so fucking drunk that I don't I blacked out I completely don't remember what is the alcohol what's regular 100 proof moonshine's 100 proof what is regular alcohol I don't know I don't know But grain, that's grain alcohol. | ||
| It's way more powerful than like tequila, right? | ||
| That's why it's so illegal and people make it themselves. | ||
| Yeah, 100 proof. | ||
| So how many shots do you think that represents at a regular alcoholic? | ||
| I don't know, but I had, they have these old Milwaukee cans about that big. | ||
| I had three of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And two shots of what I thought was just vodka. | ||
| Three of the old Milwaukee cans. | ||
| Giant old Milwaukee's. | ||
| Oh, I thought you were saying old Milwaukee cans filled with that stuff. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I was like, how are you alive? | ||
| And so that night I got home and I was going through my phone and I was like remembering all the shit that happened, trying to piece things together. | ||
| One of the things I did was at the show, somebody was yelling out Veronica's name when she was on stage at the Naughty Show. | ||
| And he was like, Veronica! | ||
| Veronica, come here! | ||
| You know, like whatever. | ||
| So I decided to make fun of him and outdo his heckling. | ||
| So I have it on tape. | ||
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| I was going, Veronica! | ||
| I want to shit on your face! | ||
| But I did it 12 times louder and louder. | ||
| Everyone in the audience is looking back like, what the fuck is this guy? | ||
| Your girlfriend's name is Veronica? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you're out-hackling the heckler? | ||
| I'm out-hackling the heckler. | ||
| Why were you so inclined to do this? | ||
| I don't know, but the video... | ||
| That's where you went, yeah. | ||
| The video is so hilarious, though, if you look at it. | ||
| It's, uh, Veronica, I want to shit on your face on YouTube. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then, so then, I felt... | ||
| That video's available on YouTube right now? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And so I felt so bad that... | ||
| Anyways, then that night I went across the street to where we always ate the standard when you saw his common story and we went in and there was only one other table in the whole entire restaurant. | ||
| So me and my girl were eating there and the other table was a drunk Japanese guy, a big tall black guy and an Armenian. | ||
| And they were about 50 to 55 years old and they were wasted just being slobbery, wasted. | ||
| And the Armenian dude's staring at my girlfriend the whole entire time, to the point where I'm like, why is this guy staring at you? | ||
| So we eat, I go to the bathroom, and then we'll leave. | ||
| So I go to the bathroom, I come back, and he was in the middle of this table. | ||
| He got out of the table, and he was leaning on the table, freaking my girlfriend out, like trying to hit on her or doing something. | ||
| He knew I was with her. | ||
| He saw the whole time I was there. | ||
| So I walk up to this, and I'm like, okay, I'm wasted, blackout wasted. | ||
| I'm going to act like a fucking psycho. | ||
| And this is how dumb I was. | ||
| I started going... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up, man? | |
| Hey! | ||
| How's it going? | ||
| Like, I was, like, on cocaine, or, like, I was just, like, up in his face. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I was like, get the fuck out of here, man! | ||
| And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| I was like, don't make me fucking shoot you, man! | ||
| You said don't make me shoot you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And it got to the point where the standard, the security comes up and goes, do we have a problem here? | ||
| I'm like, no, man. | ||
| And he's like, here's your bill. | ||
| And I tipped him 100%. | ||
| It was like $43. | ||
| I tipped him like $40. | ||
| $43? | ||
| Yeah, $40. | ||
| And I was just like, you know, because while I was acting crazy, I was just like, uh-oh. | ||
| Security. | ||
| Here's a 100% tip. | ||
| And then I come out, and you hear the guy sit down, and he's like going, he's right. | ||
| I don't know why I did that. | ||
| I could hear him saying that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I go... | ||
| Have a safe trip outside, asshole! | ||
| Or something like that. | ||
| And then the guy's like, man, stop! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, stop! | |
| And I just walk out. | ||
| And I'm walking out and I'm like, holy shit, let's get the fuck out of here. | ||
| But I could have easily... | ||
| So you played poker. | ||
| I played poker and I bluffed and it worked. | ||
| And the funny thing is, before I did this, I was like, hey, let's do a podcast while we're eating to Veronica. | ||
| And And I forgot that the waiter came up or something like that, and so I recorded the whole thing. | ||
| You have the audio version of it? | ||
| But I am so embarrassed by it, I do not want to release it. | ||
| Well, can I listen to it? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| No, I don't want anyone to ever hear it. | ||
| Brian, Brian, Brian, this is a beautiful thing. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's the most embarrassing thing ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should sell that. | |
| The biggest blackout night, I documented everything. | ||
| But you already admitted to it, but you already admitted to it. | ||
| This is part of the 12-step. | ||
| Oh, you should totally do that. | ||
| That thing alone was like... | ||
| Listen, bro, you're like a little slut right now. | ||
| You're teasing the world. | ||
| I might release in the future, but I don't want to. | ||
| You have to release it. | ||
| Come on, you already brought it up. | ||
| It's so embarrassing. | ||
| Release the crackin'! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Release the crackin'! | |
| Release it, right? | ||
| You gotta release it. | ||
| It's too embarrassing. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| I acted like a fucking psycho. | ||
| Well, listen, you felt threatened. | ||
| There was a bunch of men, you know? | ||
| And see, what's so funny is that she did the same thing on New Year's, I think I talked about, where we went and partied downtown, and it was one street from the shelter, and we were drunk at 2 a.m. | ||
| walking to our car with a friend that wasn't drunk that was driving us. | ||
| And we were going through what was like the homeless, you know, where all the shelters are and stuff like that. | ||
| So the street was just all homeless people, about 100 of them in one block, you know, just like zombies walking around. | ||
| And our car was in the middle of it. | ||
| And then like all these people kept on coming up like, hey, drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like Thriller. | |
| Yeah, it was like Thriller. | ||
| It was exactly like Thriller. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been there, yeah. | |
| And so, like, all these people, my girlfriend's high, you know, dressed up New Year's Eve style, like, buttholes showing out. | ||
| You know, New Year's Eve style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your butthole out. | |
| It's New Year's Eve. | ||
| Where's your butthole, girl? | ||
| You ain't even fashionable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so, like, all these people kept on coming up for money and stuff, and her response, like, her defense mechanism, it's just going... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| Ah! | ||
| And people are like, damn, is that girl on crack? | ||
| So I think I did the same thing, and I was so wasted, I don't know. | ||
| You remember that she had done that? | ||
| That comes from a weird place to be like, I'm going to act like a crazy person, because I don't think I could do that. | ||
| I think it's just too much confidence, liquid confidence. | ||
| Well, you sounded like you were in another world, man. | ||
| It sounds like you were so drunk, you don't know what the fuck you were doing. | ||
| She already had her butthole out. | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| It's Halloween. | ||
| It's Halloween. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Butthole out. | |
| If there's ever a time the butthole will launch... | ||
| Will launch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blossom. | |
| The butthole blossom. | ||
| Why did you send me that picture, by the way? | ||
| Of what? | ||
| He's like, can you do Joe's podcast? | ||
| And I was like, let me check. | ||
| Let me see what I'm doing. | ||
| He was like, it's 4 p.m. | ||
| And then I click on my text and there's just a picture of a dog with a cork in its butt. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I was like, don't. | ||
| And I just wrote back. | ||
| I was like, I don't like that. | ||
| He was like, oh, he can't poop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, don't send me stuff like that. | |
| That's such a weird, like, from A to B, like, and now here's Joe's address, the time, and dog with a cork in its butt. | ||
| Well, I've gotten... | ||
| I did not like it. | ||
| You know, I, uh, that's not real. | ||
| It's a Photoshop. | ||
| But I like... | ||
| It doesn't matter! | ||
| But I love sending random photos, you know, like, and, uh, like, I asked Tom Segur if he has a, he's busy Friday, and he's like, I'm in Minneapolis, so I sent him a picture of a big black guy with his dick out. | ||
| And he goes, that's unnecessary. | ||
| Yeah, you've done that to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You've noticed none of us are thrilled. | ||
| Like, you haven't done this to me many times. | ||
| I think we've all seen enough disgusting crap. | ||
| I've got text messages from him. | ||
| I open up the text message and it's an image. | ||
| You can't see what it is. | ||
| Like it's at night time at a comedy club or something like that. | ||
| I click on the image and it's a black guy with a giant dick and a white guy sucking it. | ||
| Why is it always funny when it's a black guy's penis? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's funnier. | ||
| No joke. | ||
| This last weekend, it was my girlfriend's birthday, and she was turning 30. And I was like, I'm going to be a material center on erotic cake. | ||
| And what they do when you call for the erotic cake is they take you through the entire order process and at the end tell you how much it is. | ||
| It was like $200, and we're like not even close. | ||
| For a boob cake? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because a dick. | ||
| It's a dick cake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| How much is a regular cake? | ||
| You have to pay more for the cake. | ||
| It depends on how much, like at the grocery store. | ||
| $200 to make a dick cake? | ||
| To have it delivered to. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But it was like in Houston, it was so uncomfortable because I'm already calling. | ||
| I'm like, it's like a big, and I had to get a black penis because it's funnier for someone. | ||
| I'm like, get a big black penis on the cake. | ||
| And then he was like, all right. | ||
| And he was so over his job. | ||
| He's like, you want cum? | ||
| You want hair on the balls? | ||
| I was like, I literally was like, please don't ask me that. | ||
| It's uncomfortable. | ||
| He's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| It's what I do! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's what I do here. | |
| So for 200 bucks, you got a black penis, and I had them write, have an elegant birthday. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, that's a good thing to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I didn't want to be like, suck a cock, it's your 30s. | |
| So I wrote something nice. | ||
| I think suck a cock, it's your 30s, would have been way better, actually. | ||
| Why would you not want to say that? | ||
| I wanted to retain some shred of dignity. | ||
| Save that dignity for the tourists. | ||
| Save it for my 30s. | ||
| Yeah, I used to always get boob cakes from my family growing up from like 12 on or something like that. | ||
| From them? | ||
| From them or for them? | ||
| From them. | ||
| Like every day, that was like the big thing. | ||
| My dad would get boob cakes. | ||
| Your parents? | ||
| When you were 12? | ||
| 13. And they were actual nipples? | ||
| Well, they weren't real nipples. | ||
| They were made out of like Hershey Kisses or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew! | |
| Like white Hershey Kisses. | ||
| But it would look like two things. | ||
| What is white nipples? | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's cold. | |
| What? | ||
| But it would look like that, right? | ||
| Yeah, it would look like boobs. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| I couldn't eat it. | ||
| I think I feel like there was jizz in the batter or something. | ||
| Actually, I take that back. | ||
| It wasn't full boob. | ||
| It was the one where the bikini, but you could see a little boob in it. | ||
| Cakes. | ||
| But the older I got, I started having nipples. | ||
| But my 18th birthday... | ||
| The older I got, I started having nipples. | ||
| Moving up. | ||
| But when I was 18... | ||
| You're 15, boy. | ||
| We've changed your cake. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| When I was 18, it was a black one. | ||
| Do you think you were ever molested that you don't remember? | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| Is it possible? | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| Do you think something must have happened, though, right? | ||
| When you were younger that you were trying to block out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Because I had boob cakes growing up? | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son, we got you your favorite. | |
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| The cleavage cakes. | ||
| There were cleavage cakes. | ||
| And then I think when I was like 16, it started becoming boob cakes. | ||
| And then when I was 18, it was a black. | ||
| They do full-on vaginas. | ||
| Like, they had on the cake list, they had like, open vaginas. | ||
| Vaginas with cum. | ||
| I'm like, who's like, let me slice into this. | ||
| This looks great. | ||
| The Midwest boob cakes were, I guess, the more accepted. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Social norm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there wasn't a lot to do there, right? | ||
| It was really cold. | ||
| I think just anything. | ||
| It seems like people that lived in West Virginia and Ohio. | ||
| Is that where you're from? | ||
| I'm from Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| But I think that whole little chunk of area. | ||
| I think people had a sicker sense of humor. | ||
| Texas. | ||
| Sicker sense of humor? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember you'd go to these people's houses and they would have little statues that were silly and there was a penis involved. | ||
| And that was at your grandpa's house. | ||
| What? | ||
| Your grandpa's house? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
None of that. | |
| My friends had elephants on their parents' mandals. | ||
| Brian, what are you talking about? | ||
| You lived in a sad world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, you have the boob cake, then you go cut wood. | |
| You grew up in a goddamn Stephen King movie. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You grew up in a Stephen King movie, kid. | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| It was a Stephen King movie. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| It's just that people were just not... | ||
| Happy. | ||
| Had more humor. | ||
| They had more humor? | ||
| More sexual humor. | ||
| Sexual humor. | ||
| Well, they're more... | ||
| I don't think you just had pervy relatives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sounds like it. | ||
| I'm talking about friends and neighborhoods, families. | ||
| I'm talking about everybody I knew. | ||
| More sexual humor than the dirty comedians you're hanging out with here? | ||
| Like, what are you saying? | ||
| No, I'm just saying they were like, I grew up feeling like everyone had a dirty joke thing. | ||
| Like, everyone's families had, like, dirty magazines and everyone's, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe, okay, maybe, like, if you find the dad's got, like, some Playboys and, like, one or two things, but not, like, on the mantle here. | ||
| Well, bootcakes, I think, were more accepted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bootcakes? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I think that was normal for a lot of people that get a boob cake or a cleavage cake when you're 16. Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| I believe you. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| It just seems weird to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does your mom have to order it? | ||
| No. | ||
| My mom would never give me a boob cake. | ||
| She'd give me a Jesus cake. | ||
| Did you ever have one of your friends who had a buddy who fucked his friend's mom? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you know anybody did that? | ||
| Never. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I knew one kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I can only see your eyes right now. | ||
| Yeah, I remember one kid who fucked his friend's mom. | ||
| His friend's mom was kind of a freak. | ||
| And I think they smoked weed together, too. | ||
| Well, that's unforgivable. | ||
| And he banged his friend's mom. | ||
| She was a single mom. | ||
| Was she hot? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was he hot? | |
| I was like 16 or 17, and I think he was a year older than us. | ||
| He may have been 18. He might have been like a year out of school, and we were sophomores. | ||
| And he banged this dude's mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, that sucks. | |
| For the kid whose mom liked that to know that. | ||
| Yeah, nobody was happy. | ||
| Yeah, dudes don't like that. | ||
| No, they don't like that. | ||
| Yeah, when I was in the Boy Scouts, one of the fucking 18-year-old kids was hitting on my mom in front of me. | ||
| It was so uncomfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Ew, that's horrible. | ||
| That's one of the guys who just got out of the Boy Scouts. | ||
| He's flirting with my mom. | ||
| About the time my mom was in her 30s, she was still pretty hot. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It was gross, though. | ||
| Being a little kid going, what the fuck? | ||
| Just thinking some dude wants to bone your mom. | ||
| I would imagine that's awful. | ||
| I never thought about anyone bone him. | ||
| That's probably going to go through your head one day. | ||
| You're going to have to tell some little 18-year-old kid to get the fuck away from you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're taking your kid to school. | ||
| I do now. | ||
| You don't want to tell him to take him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| What? | ||
| Do you do now? | ||
| You take him. | ||
| Do you ever want to teach him? | ||
| Show him what's up? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Grab a boy by the hair? | ||
| Come here. | ||
| No. | ||
| Train him? | ||
| Train a good one? | ||
| I really don't have a thing for guys that are younger than me at all. | ||
| There's a PA that works on our show who is adorable and so cute. | ||
| And I'm so attracted to him, but not in the way that I want to make out with him, but I know he's hot. | ||
| His name's Joey, and every time I see him, I'm like, oh, baby Joey, so little. | ||
| Like, I can't... | ||
| I know he's so hot, but I don't want to sleep with him. | ||
| I just want to hug him. | ||
| I have no sexual attraction. | ||
| I can tell someone's hot, but I have no sexual attraction to anyone younger than me because it makes me feel so old. | ||
| I don't like feeling old in my 20s. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, it's not attractive. | ||
| I don't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| And then everything starts to hurt. | ||
| I feel so old as it is because I'm always so tired. | ||
| Well, you're very smart for 28. I know! | ||
| You know, that's a problem. | ||
| Is that a problem? | ||
| Must be a problem in dealing with dudes. | ||
| Most guys in their 20s are even dumber than girls in their 20s because of testosterone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Testosterone fucking clouds your mind and really massively slows down your ability to accumulate information because you're just so busy chasing pussies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Especially when you're in your early 20s. | ||
| You barely learn a goddamn thing until you're like almost 30 when you're a dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I get the feeling that a lot of guys... | ||
| Anybody comic that knows me obviously isn't hitting on me, like you know me. | ||
| But I get this vibe that a lot of... | ||
| That's nice though, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, it's nice. | |
| You're totally one of the gang. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| But I get this feeling that comics who I know just from seeing around different clubs or whatever, that they're a little afraid of me. | ||
| And it's not because I want to hurt anyone's feelings, but if you come up to me and you say something stupid, I'm not going to be like, I don't have money. | ||
| I'm going to be like, what? | ||
| And then they get nervous. | ||
| But I don't mean to. | ||
| It's just like, act like a person. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you're going to come talk. | ||
| Well, some men are just fucked up talking to women anyway. | ||
| Some men are so insecure when it comes to talking to women that they fall apart. | ||
| And it so quickly translates to hate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what it is? | ||
| I realized it when I had a friend who was an ugly dude who broke it down to me once. | ||
| He was talking about girls. | ||
| And I was trying to tell him from a girl's perspective. | ||
| And I'm like, just imagine if you're a girl and a guy like you is constantly trying to fuck her. | ||
| And he said, well, here's the deal. | ||
| He goes, I have to admit, I'm not good looking. | ||
| He goes, I'm not. | ||
| So they're not attracted to me. | ||
| So I have to try harder and force myself in. | ||
| Because someone will say yes. | ||
| Yes, someone will give in. | ||
| Someone will just be overwhelmed by his confidence. | ||
| But at the end of the day, they get angry at you. | ||
| And for a lot of these men, they just have this direct association in their head with women feeling bad, feeling rejected, and they just want to strike out. | ||
| And that's where a lot of them, that anger towards women comes from. | ||
| I don't like my Twitter feed or my Facebook. | ||
| Grown men, and this is the weirdest thing to me. | ||
| I understand guys can be gross. | ||
| I don't fault anyone for, you know, you're so hot, I don't want to fuck you. | ||
| Alright, that's what people say. | ||
| But, when I go on my Facebook page and you've written something like, I want to fuck you so hard, I come to like, something like that, and your Facebook picture is of you and your wife, Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Like, you just had such an uncontrollable boner that you had to ejaculate words on my page? | ||
| And it's just, it's not flattering, and it's, or people write, like, really mean, like, I've been on podcasts before, and even probably today, and people will be like, you're such a fucking cunt, do I want to fuck your man? | ||
| It's just so aggressive, and you're like, why? | ||
| Because I spoke? | ||
| Like, men get amped for stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to check my Twitter feed right now. | ||
| Keep talking. | ||
| Now you're really going to get it. | ||
| Yeah, now it's going to be terrible. | ||
| You guys opened it. | ||
| But it happens. | ||
| They say a woman scorned is like the worst. | ||
| I think a guy scorned is probably worse because they get rapey. | ||
| A lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They get rapey. | |
| A lot of men, especially dudes who don't do well, they do associate women with being the source of their misery. | ||
| You know, it's unfortunate. | ||
| And you know why? | ||
| Because prostitution is illegal. | ||
| That's why. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because if prostitution were legal, there would be brothels and someone could take care of those guys' physical needs. | ||
| I'm not saying that women should be prostitutes, but I am saying there's some women who are going to be prostitutes. | ||
| Some are just better. | ||
| And it's not a bad thing, necessarily. | ||
| It ain't a bad thing. | ||
| It's a service to the community. | ||
| It's our idea that's bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's okay to massage a guy, but it's not okay to massage his dick. | ||
| I say bullshit. | ||
| I think it should be legal. | ||
| It would be safer. | ||
| It totally should be legal. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| It should be legal, it should be regulated, the girls should be checked, they should do it like they handle it in other countries. | ||
| We're so, because we're so, I think we've talked about this, puritanical, yeah. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| By the way, grain alcohol is actually 100, someone wrote, Brian D. Morton wrote, it's 180 to 200 proof, and Jack is 80 proof. | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| 200 proof? | ||
| I don't even know what that means. | ||
| Oh, that hurts my liver just thinking about it. | ||
| Smirnoff ice is 5%. | ||
| Dude, just stop and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Point five. | |
| You just said 200 proof. | ||
| Just stop and think about that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how to comprehend that. | ||
| That's 100% alcohol, right? | ||
| God. | ||
| That's 100% alcohol. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| It's like $43 and tip. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| What a fucking explosion in your liver that must be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Your whole bloodstream must be like, what the fuck did you just do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Need to get a blood transfuse and just add some more, you know? | ||
| 100 proof is 50%, moonshine is 100%. | ||
| So that's what someone said. | ||
| So moonshine is 100%. | ||
| I'm just reading a tweet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard some ridiculous high percentages of disgusting alcohols, but that's the highest I've ever heard. | ||
| I've never heard anything that high before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 200 proof. | ||
| I drank a shit ton of absinthe once. | ||
| Is 200 proof 100%? | ||
| Is that what it means? | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| Yeah, I think 200. I think it's always 50%. | ||
| How can you be more than 100%? | ||
| Yeah, how could you be? | ||
| How does math work? | ||
| Isn't it fun to be a comedian and be fucking ignorant? | ||
| I went to South Africa when I was in high school, and absinthe was legal there, and it wasn't legal here yet, and you hear about the green butterfly and hallucinating, and it's awful. | ||
| It tastes like black licorice. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| Drinking and drinking and drinking it with the sugar and the thing, I just got shit-faced, no hallucinations, because it's not made with wormwood anymore, which is what makes you do that. | ||
| You can drink absinthe all day long. | ||
| You will not hallucinate from it. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| Does anybody make it the other way with the wormwood? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| They're done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's illegal. | |
| In general, it's like poisoning you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| But anyways, it used to be that way and it's not anymore. | ||
| It's not quite the same as drunk, right? | ||
| It's a little different. | ||
| The way I described it, I said it was like a cousin of drunk. | ||
| See, I also drink a lot of other stuff. | ||
| I enjoyed it. | ||
| I did it in Vancouver with the hottest South African guy. | ||
| Whoa, yeah? | ||
| Did you like his accent? | ||
| Is that your first black guy? | ||
| What if he said something really racist right before he put it in? | ||
| What if he said something really racist right before he put it in? | ||
| We didn't have sex! | ||
| They get kind of racist. | ||
| You made out with them, though. | ||
| I made out with them at a club, in a bathroom, and then we got kicked out because I brought in the ladies who were going to make out. | ||
| You're a dirty bitch. | ||
| I was 21. I love it. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| So are you a horny drunk, an angry drunk, or a happy drunk? | ||
| Why are you questioning it? | ||
| Why are you putting that angry part out? | ||
| Tired drunk? | ||
| Tired drunk? | ||
| Wine. | ||
| Red wine drunk is the worst. | ||
| It is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Can I just... | ||
| Well, here's my dilemma. | ||
| It's too relaxing. | ||
| My birthday's coming up, and I'm gonna do... | ||
| I want to do, like, a full-on asshole birthday where you get drunk and wear, like, a tiny dress and get a table, right? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why do you want to do that? | ||
| Because it's my last birthday in my 20s. | ||
| So what? | ||
| So I want to have a party like I'm in my 20s. | ||
| I have a dress that's this big. | ||
| It's actually a sock, and I'm gonna fit into it. | ||
| And I'm just gonna bring a bunch of girls with me. | ||
| Can we videotape this? | ||
| Can we just let you know what bar it is and hide? | ||
| Can we videotape and put it on the internet? | ||
| Can we smell the dress the following day? | ||
| Smell it. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| But, I get afraid because I never drink. | ||
| I mean, I just don't ever have a chance to go out. | ||
| I'm afraid that I'll have two drinks and be tired and miserable. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, do you take vitamins? | ||
| Do you take multivitamins and do you eat healthy? | ||
| I eat very healthy. | ||
| Sleep good? | ||
| I sleep 13 hours a night. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Well, that's awesome. | ||
| I'm a cat. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I have nothing to get up for in the morning. | ||
| That's good though. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| You're well rested. | ||
| But vitamins are important. | ||
| Even on a healthy diet, I believe very strongly in vitamins. | ||
| I've had health issues that were corrected by vitamins. | ||
| Take them every day. | ||
| Shroom tech. | ||
| Take that shit, son. | ||
| That's shroom tech immune. | ||
| That's the shit for you. | ||
| Even though I eat healthy, you want to take it with me? | ||
| Yeah, it's yours. | ||
| I'll give you all the other stuff too. | ||
| You have a flashlight. | ||
| You sure you don't want one? | ||
| What am I going to use that for? | ||
| You can just practice. | ||
| I don't want friends to come over. | ||
| I don't want anyone to come over and see that. | ||
| It could be a novelty item. | ||
| It could be a what? | ||
| A novelty item. | ||
| The other day I took a picture of me sitting on my couch and one of my bras was behind me. | ||
| And it's not like a cute bra. | ||
| It's like one of these like tan like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Utility bras? | |
| Yeah! | ||
| Well, you have rather large bras, so do you have to have special supporting type bras? | ||
| Yeah, do you go to Sears for your bras? | ||
| Sears? | ||
| I'm not poor. | ||
| Oh, look at the way you said that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Did you know Sears is one of the few places you can actually have, like, custom-made bras? | ||
| If your boobs are too big for a normal thing, they can measure you. | ||
| I don't have, like, freak... | ||
| I don't have, like... | ||
| Well, one of them is. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The problem one. | |
| What about the one with your teeth? | ||
| The one that used to be your twin. | ||
| It's just bones. | ||
| It has a spinal column in there. | ||
| There's like a little wishbone in there, and that's a little wishbone and like a tooth. | ||
| It cries. | ||
| Well, we could take it out, but we might have to remove the entire tit. | ||
| So you had to choose between a wishbone and tooth-ridden tit. | ||
| Sounds like rappers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It sneezes once in a while. | ||
| Yeah, that's my new group. | ||
| That's my posse. | ||
| This is my boy, Wishbone. | ||
| And this is Bone Ridden Tit. | ||
| Anyways, my bra was behind me and that was embarrassing enough that someone saw that. | ||
| I don't want a flashlight sitting around me. | ||
| Why is it embarrassing for a bra? | ||
| Because it's an ugly bra. | ||
| These are strangers, and I can understand if you deliberately do it, but when someone sees into your home without you knowing, like the fact that they saw that and I wasn't aware of it. | ||
| No, it's an ugly bra also. | ||
| It's not like, oh, that's hot. | ||
| No one's ever looked at a nude-colored bra and been like, oh. | ||
| Is that to minimize under your t-shirts? | ||
| Like, it's just not hot. | ||
| Yeah, I can see that, I guess. | ||
| If I was a chick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| Dudes don't give a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| You find sweaty shirts and shit. | ||
| Oh, I thought you meant for looking at bras. | ||
| Oh, but coming over a girl's house and finding bras... | ||
| You don't want to see an ugly bra. | ||
| A cute bra is fine. | ||
| Oh, you're out of your mind. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Unless it's grandma. | ||
| Really grandma-ly. | ||
| By the time I get you... | ||
| I'll show you a picture of an ugly bra. | ||
| I don't know what kind of guys you're hanging out with, but any guy that gets turned off by a fucking bra laying around... | ||
| Not turned off, but there are more attractive. | ||
| Not that I want to turn... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Guys don't give a fuck. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| I understand guys don't give a fuck. | ||
| I'm saying if you had a choice. | ||
| We have such a completely different idea of what's good and bad and what's nice and not nice. | ||
| If we walked in your house and there's a bra on the ground, we would laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would, but, and I understand guys don't care. | ||
| Like, girls are like, oh, does my underwear match? | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| I totally get that. | ||
| I'm just saying, if you had a choice of looking at, like, a really cute lacy black bra versus, like, grandma's nude full coverage utility bra, you'd rather see the cute one. | ||
| Well, I guess, but really, we don't give a fuck. | ||
| It's all for you. | ||
| Most guys don't give a shit about lingerie. | ||
| Get that shit off. | ||
| I want to see your body. | ||
| I agree, I agree. | ||
| I don't get turned on by... | ||
| You can pick your dog up, because I have a litter box in here. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Her breath does smell like nasty butthole. | ||
| Yeah, don't have your dog eat my cat's shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come here! | |
| Come here, I love you. | ||
| That would be the circle of life. | ||
| You're such a strange person, Eliza Slush, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Circle of life. | |
| Your little animal that you take care of and bring everywhere. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His face. | |
| She could be a mean woman! | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| She's got teeth and shit. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| She's probably developed to kill rats in the sewer too, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I give her her toys, she breaks their necks. | ||
| She's half-long her dogs and half-long her chihuahua. | ||
| What is the first one? | ||
| Half long-haired dachshund. | ||
| Long-haired dachshund. | ||
| Oh, I see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she likes the apples. | |
| That's a cool mix. | ||
| She likes apples and carrots. | ||
| Didn't they make dachshunds for that very reason? | ||
| To go after things like that's where they had long bodies, little short legs. | ||
| Just go in rat holes or something like that. | ||
| Wasn't that like Jack Russell Terriers? | ||
| I know they bred them for that. | ||
| Jack Russell Terriers are aggressive little doggies. | ||
| Going after squirrels and shit. | ||
| Does Blanche ever bark? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is it a barker? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| She'll bark at like squirrels and stuff. | ||
| She's not a social dog. | ||
| She doesn't care like for other dogs. | ||
| When your dog eats poop, does it make you love her a little bit less? | ||
| She doesn't do it. | ||
| It's disappointing. | ||
| It's like finding out your daughter does crystal meth. | ||
| It's like getting your car broken into, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, she's a good girl. | ||
| I mean, look at that face. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But she eats poop. | ||
| And see, that's what my dog does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She doesn't actively eat. | |
| It's not like she takes it every day. | ||
| Well, she's not going to pass up on it if it's on the buffet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You used to have a bit about that, didn't you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking gross. | ||
| You don't get like this with your pets? | ||
| I do. | ||
| With your daughters? | ||
| Do you ever get this aggressive, like, oh my god... | ||
| With my daughters a little bit, but not really with my pets. | ||
| It would freak my cat out, and my dog's pretty big. | ||
| You don't really want him getting into it. | ||
| No, you don't want him in your face. | ||
| But when you love something, in my act I talk about how I want to rip her face off, like when you love something so much, like you just want to hurt it. | ||
| I think that's a girl thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's a girl thing. | ||
| That's why relationships always end. | ||
| Girls want to bite your face off? | ||
| Yeah, they love it so much they want to hurt you. | ||
| I'm going to fucking hurt you, you little freak. | ||
| Seems like that's true, though. | ||
| Girls always want to hurt the person they're with and me. | ||
| Well, it might just be you. | ||
| I mean, how many fake abortions did I pay for? | ||
| There won't be any abortions! | ||
| Listen, powerful people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't help it. | |
| Powerful people, this fucking podcast is over. | ||
| Elijah Schlesinger, if people want to find you, if they want to catch you out there in the wild world, on Twitter, you are... | ||
| Find me on Twitter, at I-L-I-Z-A, which you've already... | ||
| I-L-I-Z-A, and we will tweet this after the show. | ||
| We tweeted it before the show as well. | ||
| I'm tweeting it right now. | ||
| Do you have a website? | ||
| Oh, it's just Eliza.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| How'd you get both of those? | ||
| No one spells their name like me. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| Oh, you're so lucky. | ||
| That's so easy to memorize. | ||
| It is, but no one spells like that, so everyone's like, I tried it with an E, and I couldn't find you. | ||
| Where are you going to be doing your little stand-up comedy routine? | ||
| I'll be this weekend at the LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio. | ||
| LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio. | ||
| Where is that? | ||
| What part of San Antonio is it? | ||
| Is it near the river? | ||
| It's off the 410 loop. | ||
| Oh, okay, cool. | ||
| So there's two comedy clubs in San Antonio now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think there was another one, right? | ||
| Wasn't there another one? | ||
| Where did Pauly Shore get punched? | ||
| The fake punch incident? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They made a fake video of a guy beating him up, and everybody got so excited that he got beat up. | ||
| It was the opposite of what they wanted. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| It was really horrible, man. | ||
| That was the first time, because that was one of the first celebrity things like that, where a guy faked something. | ||
| Isn't that the one where he's like, dude, dude, dude, and then he punches him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy gets on stage and the guy's fucking huge. | ||
| And then the video they released afterwards is him working it out. | ||
| But the negative comments after the first video were like, yeah, fuck that faggot, punch him in the face. | ||
| The things, the hate that he received must have been horrific. | ||
| To know that people feel like that about you. | ||
| There's so many people. | ||
| And that it was so accepted. | ||
| There was no one standing up for him. | ||
| There was no one that was going, hey man, In the Army Now is one of my favorite all time movies. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You're the asshole. | ||
| Paul Scherb makes millions of people smile. | ||
| That was some... | ||
| That's hardcore. | ||
| That was intense. | ||
| It was intense. | ||
| It was a horrible moment in your life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Texas, they fucking party though. | ||
| I do love going back to Texas. | ||
| We haven't been in a while. | ||
| I think next gig we're going to do is in Austin. | ||
| Trying to work that shit out for the spring. | ||
| You probably don't play clubs. | ||
| You do like theaters. | ||
| I do clubs and theaters. | ||
| See, I've been coming to this one club in Austin for so long, it would feel weird if I didn't go back there. | ||
| Yeah, I did my first DVD there in 1999. So I can't... | ||
| That's my spot. | ||
| Can I tell you a really humbling moment I had at Cap City? | ||
| Aside from when a fan brought a buck knife to meet me, which was uncomfortable. | ||
| Did he have it on his belt so you saw it? | ||
| It was behind him, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And he came up and he was like, hey, it was very like, what is your problem? | ||
| When I called and I was like, hey, I'm driving over. | ||
| Where can I park? | ||
| And they didn't care that I was the headliner. | ||
| They're like, there's a Hobby Lobby across the street, across the freeway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You can just park over at the Hobby Lobby. | ||
| I'm like, there's no parking. | ||
| No, Hobby Lobby. | ||
| I'm like, I'll just make the hike over. | ||
| You were the headliner? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, that's not even true. | ||
| You know, there's a back alley where they always tell us to park. | ||
| They always park right behind you. | ||
| Not only do they wait for us, too, but... | ||
| We're men. | ||
| We are men. | ||
| It's a difference. | ||
| That's very weird. | ||
| Maybe I should have been more assertive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In general, I should be more aggressive. | ||
| Maybe it was a girl answering the phone. | ||
| Maybe she didn't know or maybe it was like a manager that didn't know and I'm not the kind of person to be like, do you know who I am? | ||
| Your dog's going to eat cat shit. | ||
| Come here! | ||
| She's on her way. | ||
| Come here! | ||
| Go get her. | ||
| Let me see that face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What were we talking about? | ||
| Cap City? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You were saying you love Austin and I was saying I'll be in San Antonio. | ||
| Yeah, but you were talking about them not giving you, oh, this is what I was going to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hobby Lobby. | |
| Do you think that that's like a girl that a girl just didn't want, like she was answering the phone, like fucking female, comedian, thinks she's going to come in, headline, females ain't even good. | ||
| You know, I don't, because it wasn't even the first night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think it was so many times we don't realize how, a lot of people that, Have jobs in general. | ||
| You're working at a comedy club, they're not necessarily up to, like, they don't really know what's going on. | ||
| It could have been that, or maybe there was something, there might have been something going on where they were doing maintenance and you couldn't park. | ||
| I just, it was such an odd thing, and I, as a girl, it's so quick, you're so, it's so easy to get labeled a mean name if you stand up. | ||
| So I just, sometimes I'm just very like, okay, no problem. | ||
| Did you hear that, what the fuck is his name again, that got fired, Eddie Brill, who got fired from Letterman? | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| He said, what was it, women, something about how women try to be more like men in their acts, and that's why they're not funny or something. | ||
| I 1,000% think that there's no way he got fired because of that one comment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, let's get serious. | ||
| I don't know what else he did, but no one stands up for women that much. | ||
| Like, women get raped every day, and people can still keep their jobs. | ||
| Probably just a bad poker hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but it's different when you're on a show like that. | ||
| Where you're the judge, yeah. | ||
| When you're the one whose... | ||
| Your job is to discern who's capable of being on the show. | ||
| And if you say something so blatantly sexist and so blatantly judgmental, like he's formed an opinion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And that's one of the reasons why women can't be funny. | ||
| I mean, he didn't even qualify with, you know, there are some women that try to be like men and... | ||
| It's a balancing act, which it is. | ||
| I think it's more difficult for a woman. | ||
| I think he just saw some shitty comics. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| A lot of them are shitty, and he probably just watched those tapes. | ||
| I've never sent in a tape, so I was actually upset that his sentence wasn't, except for Eliza Schlesinger, she's awesome. | ||
| I genuinely thought I would be included in the conversation. | ||
| Were you upset when you hear shit like that? | ||
| Do you feel like that gives you a ramp that you have to run up where everybody else has an even start? | ||
| Gotta be honest. | ||
| I feel that my act is just so different than every other girl that I just don't include myself in the same category as most female comics. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I just do. | ||
| I see the audience. | ||
| I see my material. | ||
| I see topics that most women talk about versus what I talk about and the approaches and stuff like that and I just have never viewed women as the competition I think of everyone as a competition but I just don't um I've never seen a girl you really do though you really do think of people as the competition which I always thought is fascinating because I was a very competitive person but I tried to never look at other comics as competition because I think it's unhealthy I | ||
| I think the way to look at comics is use them for inspiration, be inspired by them, but it's not like you're playing a game where they can keep you from doing it. | ||
| It's not like you're playing football and they can keep you from getting the ball. | ||
| No, it's not direct competition. | ||
| You're smart about it. | ||
| I don't go online and watch everyone else. | ||
| I don't Google other people. | ||
| It's not like that. | ||
| You don't ever watch other acts? | ||
| At the clubs and stuff. | ||
| And sometimes I'll go on and I'll watch certain ones that I really like, but I don't do it out of being envious. | ||
| And you keep an ear to it. | ||
| Oh, he auditioned for that, or she did this, or that's a showcase you want to get. | ||
| I like going and watching people online because it gives me a charge. | ||
| I get excited. | ||
| If I see somebody good, if somebody sends me a clip, hey, check this guy out. | ||
| And I go watch and it's really fun. | ||
| I go, oh, that's fucking funny. | ||
| I want to write. | ||
| I get charged up like, whoa, I want to create something cool that does to me or does to someone else the way that did to me. | ||
| That is the way I felt the first time I saw Dane Cook. | ||
| This is a long time ago. | ||
| This must have been five years ago when I had just started and someone took me to the Laugh Factory. | ||
| And it was like that tourgasm. | ||
| It was fucking like no one else had that. | ||
| When did you start? | ||
| What year? | ||
| I graduated college in 2005. So maybe I started in 2006, 2006. That's pretty fresh. | ||
| 2005, 2006. That's kind of amazing. | ||
| So you won the last comic standing. | ||
| You've only been doing it for, what, four years? | ||
| Three years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three years? | |
| That's amazing. | ||
| But when I see comedy I like, it makes me happy. | ||
| I never think, oh, I have to know. | ||
| When did you start headlining on the road? | ||
| Right after last comic. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| They were like, by the way, you're a headliner now. | ||
| How much time did you have? | ||
| I had 45 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Already? | |
| After three years? | ||
| Just because from doing Last Comic, you just start building. | ||
| I'm not saying it was the most solid, but when they tell you, by the way, you have to headline now, you have one shot to headline, and if you fuck it up, they're going to put you at the bottom of the list. | ||
| And a lot of guys did do that, right? | ||
| A lot of guys did fuck it up. | ||
| I knew that, and I was just like, I'm not going to give it... | ||
| I'm going to make sure I have it. | ||
| Yeah, to all the people that did really well from Last Comic, it's like you, Hefron, Ralphie Mae... | ||
| And a couple other people, right? | ||
| John Reap. | ||
| John Reap. | ||
| John Reap did really well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| What? | ||
| Is that Rick Ross? | ||
| The rappers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew! | |
| What? | ||
| He sent you Rick Ross? | ||
| No, it's just like some huge black guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Big black guy with his cock hanging out. | ||
| The big... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is... | |
| Forward me that, just in case. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I might need that. | ||
| And he's uncircumcised. | ||
| That's really gross. | ||
| That's so gross. | ||
| Speaking of uncircumcised, this podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| We want to give thanks to The Fleshlight. | ||
| Thanks to Eliza Schlesinger for being hilarious as always. | ||
| Thanks for having me again. | ||
| This was really, really fun. | ||
| This was fun. | ||
| This was even better. | ||
| We know each other better than the last time we did it. | ||
| It was much more loose and relaxed, I think. | ||
| I'm excited to get... | ||
| You're going to take me fighting. | ||
| Yeah, I would totally. | ||
| I'll take you to the gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I'll teach you some Muay Thai. | ||
| I'll take you to a Muay Thai class, learn how to kick people's legs. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's great exercise, too. | ||
| It gives you a skill, but it also gives you something to do at the gym. | ||
| I'm going to need something to fall back on when the standard doesn't work. | ||
| I bet you could be a serious fighter if you wanted to be. | ||
| You're very smart and you're very competitive. | ||
| All you have to do is do the right steps. | ||
| Don't slack off. | ||
| Be disciplined. | ||
| Don't wear a bra. | ||
| Those are legit too, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're not like bags of silicone. | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| They actually have chest protectors. | ||
| They have silicone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plates. | |
| These things. | ||
| Yeah, you wear them. | ||
| It's like a hard plastic. | ||
| It's like a bra protector sort of a plate. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know how much it helps. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what the science behind it is. | ||
| They've developed some pretty good science for the balls recently. | ||
| They have some new stuff to protect the balls. | ||
| Ball science! | ||
|
unidentified
|
All our best ball scientists have been hard at work protecting your junk. | |
| They've been hard at work. | ||
| Hard at work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clang! | |
| Trying different combinations of things and hitting people with balls and fastballs. | ||
| Alright, that's the end of this fucking podcast. | ||
| Eliza, you're the shit. | ||
| Thank you for joining us. | ||
| It's nice to have so many cool friends. | ||
| We're so lucky. | ||
| All of us, for real, right? | ||
| As comedians, we're so lucky to have all these fucking cool friends. | ||
| One of the coolest things about this podcast is this big group of people that we have brought together. | ||
| And Eliza, you're in the fold. | ||
| You're in there. | ||
| You're in the fucking mix. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Please, thank you. | ||
| Alright, thanks to the Fleshlight. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, and you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for me! | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| And we were also brought to you by Onnit. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| Onnit, the makers of AlphaBrain. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T dot com. | ||
| Makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancement supplement. | ||
| ShroomTech Sport, the endurance and energy supplement for extreme athletic pursuits. | ||
| If you're into kettlebells or CrossFit classes or Jiu-Jitsu, try out some ShroomTech Sport. | ||
| It is the shit. | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| I take it before every one of my serious workouts. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Shroom Tech Immune. | ||
| There's a bunch of different products on Onnit.com. | ||
| Go there, check it out. | ||
| If you go to my website, JoeRogan.net, click on the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the code name ROGAN, you'll save 10% off. | ||
| And as always, the first 30 pills, the first size you buy, whatever it is, first order rather, if you don't like it, you get 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| You don't even have to send it back in. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| We love you freaks. | ||
| Tomorrow, we'll see you soon. | ||
| Yeah, tomorrow. | ||
| It'll be one of the best shows we could ever put together. | ||
| It'll be Little Esther. | ||
| It'll be Joey motherfucking Diaz. | ||
| Duncan Trussell. | ||
| Brian Redband. | ||
| Jason Tebow. | ||
| Jason Tebow. | ||
| And me. | ||
| All at the Ice House. | ||
| It's only like 15 bucks, right? | ||
| IcehouseComedy.com. | ||
| And Ice House is, by the way, run by some of the nicest people. | ||
| The waitstaff is cool as fuck. | ||
| The whole place has a great vibe to it. | ||
| It's a really cool, old-school comedy club in Pasadena that's been around since the 1960s, I think. | ||
| It's really badass. | ||
| It's one of my favorite places. | ||
| And it's also where we do the Ice House Chronicles podcast, which is, while we're doing shows there, simultaneously we have a studio and we do podcasts at the same time. | ||
| Eliza Slushier, you've been on that podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have. | |
| Twice. | ||
| Twice. | ||
| Once was a scratch. | ||
| And when we do it, it's really... | ||
| Your dog just went in there. | ||
| He's eating shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Anyway, um... | ||
| He's helping you out. | ||
| We're, uh, whatever. | ||
| Onnit.com, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Okay, so this Thursday night, how did they get to it? | ||
| IcehouseComedy.com. | ||
| We also have a show Friday without Joe Rogan, but a bunch of other comics. | ||
| So IcehouseComedy.com. | ||
| Also, Friday, if you're going to be in Vegas, I am going to be with Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell. | ||
| We're doing the House of Motherfucking Blues at the Mandalay Bay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then the next day, it's Carlos Condit and Nick Diaz. | |
| Jesus Christ, the fucking stars have aligned! | ||
| It's going to be crazy. | ||
| It's going to be an awesome, epic weekend between two of the best fighters on the planet Earth and two of the three best 170-pounders in the world. | ||
| And this is going to be chaos. | ||
| I can't fucking wait. | ||
| The whole card is nasty. | ||
| The whole card is sick. | ||
| And so that's this weekend. | ||
| Friday night, House of Blues. | ||
| Tomorrow night, Thursday night, Pasadena Ice House. | ||
| For all information, go follow me on Twitter. | ||
| Follow Red Band. | ||
| Follow Eliza. | ||
| I-L-I-Z-A. Super easy. | ||
| And anybody else they should follow? | ||
| Any friend you want to plug? | ||
| Oh, can I say one thing? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Text from Bennett. | ||
| The Twitter account that I told you about that's hilarious. | ||
| That has like a billion followers. | ||
| I'm going to show it to you. | ||
| Yeah, explain it again. | ||
| It's this guy. | ||
| There's Mac Lethal and he's this white guy who's got a cousin who thinks he's black and the guy sends him texts all the time. | ||
| He doesn't know that he has this account and it's the funniest, most ignorant stuff you've ever heard and he's created this account but he is a huge fan and he wanted you to know. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going there right now. | |
| Will you send him a tweet? | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| Text from what? | ||
| It's like T-X-T-S from Bennett. | ||
| B-E-N-N-E-T-T. All right. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Alright, that's it. | ||
| Sorry the page doesn't exist. | ||
| We love you, bitches. | ||
| We'll see you soon. |
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